# Am I being selfish?



## hockeyguy1985 (Dec 31, 2017)

This is my first post so hopefully it makes sense! 

I am a 32 year old guy whos been married to my wife for almost 9 years. We have 2 children and while our marriage is not perfect its pretty damn good. We currently life with my in laws while my wife finishes school.

The issue I have is back in sept. my wife told me she wanted to go on a run (5k i think) down in Disney, my wife is not a runner at all however was doing this to appease my mother in law. I was told that the cost was gonna be low around 800 or so for the race,lodging,airfare,etc. While I personally found it crazy to spend that much doing something you don't even do I gave my blessing, also my mother in law was raised by a physically and mentally abusive mother and while she doesn't do the physical stuff she a master at the psychological stuff. 

You would think thats that right? NOPE! Now there is a disney cruise involved! and my wife with her desire to please her mother just keeps going along with it and the bill keeps getting larger and larger. I was only told about the first part and to be perfectly honestly I am seriously pissed off! I refuse to be told the amount cause I don't want to get a serious headache. I am pissed that my mother in law knows we are trying to save up for a house, I am pissed at my wife for just throwing money down of this amount without sitting me down (my wife always tells me that she told me, but its usually in passing conversations and my memory is not really good). 

I sat my wife down and told her that all this money could have been better well spent and my biggest issue is that us as a family have never even had a vacation, hell we didn't even have a honeymoon. I feel like if we were gonna spend this kind of money why wouldn't we spend it on our family and have a killer vacation on ourselves. My wife does her constant turn around where she makes it all about feeling and how shes feeling like she can't even enjoy herself now. (FYI I am very common sense and use fact and reasoning in arguments but she just throws feelings in every time turning it around on me making me feel bad)

I think I just needed to get this out, maybe get some insight from other people. I don't believe I am being selfish but honestly taking an extremely expensive 10 day disney cruise with your mom doesn't seem like a good use of our funds.

Thanks in advance for anyone who throws their 2 cents in!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

No, I don't think you are being selfish, more like responsible.
If your MIL wants her to go so bad why doesn't she foot the bill?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hockeyguy1985 said:


> ... and my wife with her desire to please her mother just keeps going along with it and the bill keeps getting larger and larger.


Sounds like your wife is far more invested in pleasing her mother than pleasing you. And I agree 100% - Your MIL wants her daughter to go on the cruise so damn bad, let HER pay for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

One thing that I know, never ever live with parents once you are married, especially controlling parents. Can't you even afford a cheap apartment to rent for now?
You wife is letting her mother manipulate her thoughts, words and actions, that that's why you must get out and move away if you can. Surely if your wife works you can afford somewhere?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeah, let your mother in law pay the bill.

There's a chance that she's attached to her daughter to an unhealthy extent. You saving enough for a house means her daughter would be moving out, and she may not want that. She may not like the fact that her daughter now belongs to you, so she is doing her best to dismantle your family unit.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I personally am a FIRM believer in once you get married, your wife and yourself have started their own family, thus trumping ANYTHING that could possibly get in the way of your own family and your families happiness and well being. Within reason obviously, and this is one of those times. If a close relative died or a close relative is getting married or something, that is different. A vacation, where it gets in the way of what is best for YOUR family, is something that is unacceptable as far as I am concerned. 

Why even commit your life to someone if you aren't willing to fully commit after all? What is the point of even getting married and planning a future together if your parents control even the smallest fraction of your decision making? To me that says they weren't really ready for marriage and all that comes with it. 

You are at a cross roads here, and I know some won't agree, but this is absolutely CRUCIAL! Can your wife choose you, effectively her own family upon marriage, over her parents? Because I will tell you right now brother, if she chooses them it will be hell for you for the rest of your marriage and that is a FACT! 

I personally would never put up with this behaviour and would absolutely make a stand here. This sets a tone for your marriage from the start. You will both do what is best for your own family, the family you just created when you got the government involved in your relationship. Or god or whatever you want to say... You just started your own family, damn what your parents or anyone else says or does to get in the way of what is best for you two and possibly your future or even current children. 

Absolutely EVERYONE takes a back seat, no ifs ands or buts about it. Obviously within reason, and a vacation is well within reason. 

You better believe this is a hill I would make a stand on and be willing to risk everything up to that point for. The alternative is you will always be second place to your wife. I would never stay married to any woman who would put me in second place. Not even with something like this. And I wouldn't expect any wife of mine to put up with me ever putting her in second place to anything. Again within reason. This situation is 100% within reason for you to say no to. 

Do not back down. This may very well be an extremely crucial bridge for you two to cross as a couple. You just may even find this is a point where you realize your paths take separate bridges in life. SO BE IT! 

I know that sounds crazy harsh, but I can't tell you how important it is to reach this crossroads early on. Move together or apart on this. It really is that big of a decision for both of you right now. This isn't doom and gloom, this is the TRUTH! If her parents or your own give a damn about your marriage, they would 100% agree.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My advice is sit down with you wife and figure out where the your immediate family wants to be in 2 years and 5 years. Put it in writing so there are no memory issues. When will she graduate, when do you want to buy a home, when do you want children.

Now sit down with her and say that the two of you need a budget to make your plan happen. As silly as it is, Dave Ramsey has a good money management course called Financial Peace. You and your wife should take it.

Good luck

P.S. Get the heck out of your in-laws house as soon as you can to reduce your MIL control over your wife.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

hockeyguy1985 said:


> our marriage is not perfect its pretty damn good.
> ...
> I sat my wife down and told her that all this money could have been better well spent ...
> 
> My wife does her constant turn around where she makes it all about feeling and how shes feeling like she can't even enjoy herself now. (FYI I am very common sense and use fact and reasoning in arguments but she just throws feelings in every time turning it around on me making me feel bad)


I don't understand what you mean when you say your marriage is pretty damn good.

It sounds like you can't talk with your wife about things. And that's the basis of a marriage. You say she just "throws feelings in" and "makes you feel bad". 

What do you mean by a pretty damn good marriage?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tell this child you are married to that if Mommy pays for the cruise for her and the kids she can go while you go to Vegas for a week.
Seriously dude,you are thirty two years old and live with your in laws?
What the hell have you been doing with your life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I’m with those who advocate that you need to be out of that type of living arrangement! Having said that, if there is no other recourse and you absolutely must live there, if Mom won’t take “No” for an answer, then Mom should have no problem in footing the bill for everybody who decides on making the trip!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Tell this child you are married to that if Mommy pays for the cruise for her and the kids she can go while you go to Vegas for a week.
> Seriously dude,you are thirty two years old and live with your in laws?
> What the hell have you been doing with your life.


Unfortunately, not everyone has the skills and the fortitude to do this. I have many friends who have 'boomerang children'. They keep coming back!

On this mother in law. It sounds like she has solved her 'empty nest' syndrome. :x

She has a new family to raise. Yours'.:frown2:

You have to move out, while they are gone off on 'their' vacation, get an apartment for your' family. 
The hell with buying a house. Rent. Get a house far away from the house. 
Now....don't tell me. The MIL is baby sitting the kids while you two are at work/school? Think that one through. Do you want that to continue? 

On the wife's schooling, how long until she graduates? This time frame is important.

Move out, rent. Your' family's unity is more important than money....believe this!!:surprise::surprise:

My wife has a 'beautiful' lady friend who lives in the same apartment building as her mother.
Her mother got rid of this women's husband fifteen years ago. She interferes with any dates that the women tries to go on.

She has brainwashed her into thinking that all men are bad; they only want sex. The daughter, she does not want sex? 
The mother herself cannot be trusted. She likes to rub up against men...especially me! I avoid her like the plague.

SCM-


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Under normal family dynamics I see nothing wrong with a mother and daughter taking a vacation or cruise together. Under the situation you described it sounds like your wife is being guilted into going.

Who's opinion is it the your MIL is a master manipulator? Your wife remarked "she can't enjoy herself now", that sounds to me like she wants to go but you are making her feel guilty. Is that why she lied about the trip because she knew you would be pissed? You really need to listen when your wife talks about her feelings, you sound resentful that she expresses herself and I have a feeling that's partly why she felt the need to lie about the true nature and cost of the trip.

So….first thing I would do is sit your wife down and ask her if she wanted to go on the trip or not. If she says "no and mom guilted me into it" then you need to get your family out of that house. Your wife needs to learn to be an adult capable of expressing her self and obviously can't do that while still living with mommy. 

If she says "yes I want to go" then you need to take a look at your relationship as to why your wife feels the need to lie as opposed to talking things out. Understand I would be pissed about the deceitful way this trip was handled, but I would also want to know why I was lied to. Nine years with no vacation is a long time. Has the vacation subject come up before and you always shoot it down because it's not practical and logical? 


If you truly want help ask her why she lied and tell us the unfiltered answer.

One last thing…take a hard look at your "feelings" as well…a 32 year old man married with two kids living with MIL is not a great scenario, I'm sure that wasn't your plan, if you had a plan. I sense a lot of resentment in your post, and that can put you in a dark place which effects every aspect of your life and the decisions you make.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If you are indeed living with your in-laws to save for a house and while your wife is in school, she has no business even going on the 5K
Unless her mother pays for it. I think that is a huge waste of money.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Punt...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> If you are indeed living with your in-laws to save for a house and while your wife is in school, s*he has no business even going on the 5K
> * Unless her mother pays for it. I think that is a huge waste of money.


She has no business even thinking about going.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is crazy for her to do this when money is an issue. Holy hell you married a child. I wouldn’t be in a relationship like this. You need out of the in laws house and be your own family ASAP!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Imo this boils down to two problems. The first is money. It’s common for couples to disagree with how their money is spent. I understand your very practical but it sounds like she is dying for a much needed vacation/adventure. I bet she is happy to be really looking forward to something and in her opinion hour ruining It. Your not right, she’s not right you guys are just different. You need to compromise to make each other happy.
The second problem is lack of respect. It blows my mind that she is refusing to tell you the cost, and even discuss the details with you. She could be doing that because there is a lack of respect OR maybe she knows you well enough that your going to just say no and that will be that and that is sort of a lack of respect from your part. 

You guys need to come together and be able to discuss these things without shutting each other down. Without making her feel bad or stupid. A lot of times women don’t share with their husbands because they already know what the answer will be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> A lot of times women don’t share with their husbands because they already know what the answer will be.


Yeah, this goes both ways. Both wives and husbands do this.

Both ways leading to shouting, hurt.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP says his family has never been on vacation together (his wife and two children). He and his wife didn't even go on a honeymoon. They've been saving money.

And now, without it being a JOINT decision, instead of going on a first vacation with her husband and/or husband and children, she is spending **their money** to go on a vacation with her MOTHER instead????

Hell no.

It's one of the more "I don't give a **** about you" things I've heard.

It would be one thing if the mother in law was treating her daughter to a trip. But this is a horse of a completely (awful) different color.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Yeah, this goes both ways. Both wives and husbands do this.
> 
> 
> 
> Both ways leading to shouting, hurt.




Or lying and just doing whatever you want without discussing it with your partner. Marriage should be a team. Not two people doing whatever they want and not caring what their spouse thinks.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> *OP says his family has never been on vacation together (his wife and two children).* He and his wife didn't even go on a honeymoon. They've been saving money.
> 
> And now, without it being a JOINT decision, instead of going on a first vacation with her husband and/or husband and children, she is spending **their money** to go on a vacation with her MOTHER instead????
> 
> ...


Having children before you even have a home for them? Whose idea was that?

No wonder MIL feels as if she can call the shots.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Having children before you even have a home for them? Whose idea was that?
> 
> No wonder MIL feels as if she can call the shots.


No, not true.

A family can do very well in a large apartment. Or a rented home.
Life is gawd awful expensive.

Children are wonderful additions to a solid marriage. OP's marriage does have it's problems.
The wife is not a responsible partner, well, not enough it seems.


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