# 3 months into separation, she won't speak to me



## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Wife and I together for 7 years and married for 3. Very good communication, agree on finances, similar work ethic and support. Been through a lot of family deaths and the support brought us always closer.

This fall we moved for her job and I found myself a job. She works very long hours and is a very demanding job. I do my best making sure laundry is done, food is cooked and the animals are fed.

The fall was stressful because of the move. She started hanging out with a group of heavy drinkers and slowly started coming home later and more drunk with less interest in me. I would ask her to make more us time and while she always agreed but never delivered. She seemed down and I kept asking if I'm doing anything wrong, she kept saying no it's stress at work. Around the holidays we had a big fight and asked me to stay with my family for a few weeks (they live nearby and I work remotely, so it wasn't an unreasonable request). She said she needed space. But got her drama loving mom involved, which she never liked me, and it made things worse. Her mom is as mature as a spoiled 3 year old and is always drunk.

Throughout the separation we always intended on getting back together, but she began to become more argumentative by text and began blaming me for failures in the marriage. At one point she said she wanted to be left alone. I wasn't begging and pleading, more bugging her, making sure she was okay. She has suffered from depression in the past and I was concerned. Out of nowhere I get a text "I want a divorce". She wouldn't communicate with me any other way but text and I kept asking her what the heck was going on, she blocked me by text. She then called my father and told him to tell me she wants a divorce because I wouldn't leave her alone. All of this sounds insane and were usually very mature and respectful during arguments.

She began calling me manipulative and emotionally abusive. At the same time she told me to come get my cat or she's bringing him to the pound (which is emotionally abusive). She's acting like another person.

I sent her an email telling her I'm okay with the divorce and since we don't have much in assets, a non contest would be quick cheap and easy. I told her if divorcing me will make her happy, I will do it. That I want to make it quick and easy so I can move on with my life. She knows I want to save the marriage, am confused about the whole thing and she turned down counseling. 

The email was sent and read several weeks ago and haven't heard anything. I was recently laid off and asked her if I can still use the credit card (she does the bills) with no response. She continues to pay my phone bill and hasn't taken me off her health insurance. All of our wedding photos are still on her Facebook and when I went to get my stuff from our apartment (she wasn't there bit she had a friend),all of our pictures together we're still hanging.

I'm at a loss and thinking it could be depression. See this link http://forums.netdoctor.co.uk/discu...-away-by-partner-who-wont-admit-to-depression

Possible grass is greener syndrome with her party friends? I'm a stay at home type of guy.

My therapist suggested begin inning of an alcohol addiction, because I am hard on her when she drinks too much and parties like a single person.

Another man? Nothing unusual from phone records. But if this was the case, wouldn't she want the divorce?

She was bluffing and threatened divorce because I was pestering her (she always joked and complained how I'm a nag, I admit it)

I'm at a loss and will not contact her to give her space.

But she said she wanted a divorce asap and I'm cooperating, she now ignores me.

Any suggestions?


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Also, we are both in our 30s both educated from good colleges and are both very successful. This is chaos.


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Ignore first link in op, this was the intended link. http://www.reallifeanswers.org/family/marriage/issues-marriage/dealing-with-depression-in-marriage


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Here's a list of signs of depression, she has shown all of these towards me.

Self-absorbed, selfish, demanding, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of others
Unresponsive, uncommunicative, aloof, withdrawn
Uninterested in sex and dismissive or distrusting of a partner?s tenderness and affection
Fractious, querulous, combative, contrary; finding fault with everything
Demeaning and critical of partner
Changeable and unpredictable, illogical and unreasonable
Manipulative
Pleasant and charming in public and the opposite at home
Prone to sudden, inexplicable references to separation or divorce
Prone to workaholism or avoidance of all responsibility
Increasingly dependent on alcohol and drugs
Obsessively addicted to television, computer games and computer porn sites, and other compulsive distractions


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi Whatisacup,

Sorry you are here. If I did what you wife was doing it would be that I was having an affair. Ideally a spouse would divorce if the marriage was not working, then find a new partner. But mostly, the new partner is found before the divorce.

The situation of high stress job, drinking with coworkers etc is the IDEAL situation to start an emotional connection with coworkers. Don't ask me why I am so sure of that, but you can figure it out. 

Calling you manipulative and abusive is CLASSIC rewriting of the marriage history. This is what the cheating spouse does to justify their actions. Nearly 100% of the time. 

You will get some good advice here. I am glad you came here, but not glad that you needed to come here. You will hear everything from "She is cheating, divorce her immediately" to "You were not meeting her needs". The truth is somewhere in the middle.

After you get some more replies, post more information. The more you post the better the advice for your situation. You have a really good resource here. Take advantage of it. Do not tell your wife you are here. 

The best thing you can do at this point is take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, stay connected with friends and work on financial independence should the worst outcome arise. If you are independent then you are not needy. Work on your confidence. That is key. It is so much more important than you might think. 

Woman HATE needy men and if you beg or plead that is the WORST thing you can do to save your marriage. 

BTW there are really unlimited ways to hide the cheating outside of cell phone records. The TAMers can help you investigate. If no one provides the blueprints to you today I will provide tomorrow.

Stay strong.


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Not interested in investigating an affair. If she gives up this easy, she isn't for me. She wants a divorce, I'm accepting and she won't work with me.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> Here's a list of signs of depression, she has shown all of these towards me.
> 
> Self-absorbed, selfish, demanding, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of others
> Unresponsive, uncommunicative, aloof, withdrawn
> ...


Maybe that is problem. Maybe not. My wife is clinically depressed but is under treatment.

My same earlier advice still applies. It might be very difficult to get her to seek treatment. Sometimes more difficult than getting a spouse to end an affair. The outcome to both could still be the same. The end of your marriage.

Work on your independence.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> Not interested in investigating an affair. If she gives up this easy, she isn't for me. She wants a divorce, I'm accepting and she won't work with me.


Ok. Then divorce her. Are you asking for advice on how to divorce if spouse does not work with you? If so, I missed that and apologize. I cannot help you on that.


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Most advice I was given was just go about my life and "go dark". She eventually will have to contact me if she wants a divorce.

I was told if it was an affair: it will likely end and she will come back. She's a bad liar and I would know.

Depression: with me out of her life, she may realize it's not me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Let her go.

If it were me, I would not leave it up to her. File and have her served.

Your posts have a general feel of a lack of self esteem. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Whatisacup said:


> Most advice I was given was just go about my life and "go dark". She eventually will have to contact me if she wants a divorce.
> 
> I was told if it was an affair: it will likely end and she will come back. She's a bad liar and I would know.
> 
> Depression: with me out of her life, she may realize it's not me.


You wouldn't know and a great many of us said the same thing over and over, "she's a bad liar" etc etc. 

Your excusing the behavior under the depression angle. Depressed or not that doesn't excuse drinking and partying and whatever else may be going on. Right now she wants you out of the way to enjoy single life again. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak. 

Your reading her not filing as hope and your hanging around waiting on her. A great many wayward or walk away spouses state they want divorce but never bother to do the actual work of getting divorced. 

You should file yourself, she probably wants you to be "the bad guy", she is spinning things that way now. Filing at least puts the end of the marriage on a timetable, it's takes a while in most states to get a divorce done. You've hung around long enough waiting on her. Either she will realize she is losing you or not but the longer these situations go the worse the odds of reconciling.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What he said. Have her served.
She is keeping you only for plan d.
She has a man other than you. Pretty obvious. Symptoms classic. 
She wants drinking, single life, and no responsibility.
Give it to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

She originally offered to pay for the whole divorce and we do a non contest. She was the breadwinner. Now that I'm agreeing, she will not talk to me. I keep trying to contact her offering mediation if she doesn't want to speak to me. Non contest will avoid a one year waiting period. We had an agreement on temporary marital support to get myself on the ground, now she's gone Mia.

She continues to pay my credit card, phone and health insurance.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you are confusing with what you believe and what reality is. The fact is, you think you know her but in actuality we create the construct of the people we know from the data we gather and the experiences made together.

You are placing what you know about her, or believe you know about her, to go into the future scenario you want to occur.

If she has depression, she could seek help and her issues are her's to deal with. Unless you had a hand in helping or creating the depression, then you are not part of the symptom and those issues are within her before you met.

How about prepare for the worst, and it is likely that you will hope for the best. Either way, being prepared mentally and other factors if separation, divorce, or if she runs off with someone else occurs. You cannot control her actions and your only choice is to respond accordingly. Although, if you alter the environment, she may change her behavior to that new created environment, just like how she change and made you react to your new reality.

Either way, odds are, you will be battling this mentally and emotionally for a long time. At the moment, your bond to her is suppressing a lot of the emotions and hurt at the moment because getting her back is a priority.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What he said. Have her served.
> She is keeping you only for plan d.
> She has a man other than you. Pretty obvious. Symptoms classic.
> She wants drinking, single life, and no responsibility.
> ...


This. And she is controlling the entire situation, and not answering you...'just in case' plan A,B,and C don't work out, you'll still be sitting around waiting for her. Your feelings matter, OP. I hope you find a way to be strong in this, and stand up for yourself.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

Walk Away Wife. She is gone. Help her go.


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

I am trying. I send her an email every few days asking how she wants to go about the divorce. No response.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you still have keys to the apartment? Move back there for a few days. Have your parents watch the cat.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> Here's a list of signs of depression, she has shown all of these towards me.
> 
> Self-absorbed, selfish, demanding, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of others
> Unresponsive, uncommunicative, aloof, withdrawn
> ...


All of these are signs of an affair too.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Whatisacup said:


> I am trying. I send her an email every few days asking how she wants to go about the divorce. No response.


This looks like the signs of a narcissist, coupled with the list you show above. You should truly look into that disorder, because they don't make good partners. And they don't know how to change because they lack the ability to self reflect. My advice, go live your life...work on building your own self esteem back up, and start enjoying your life again. You have allowed this woman to control the situation, and an easy 6 months with no change, could go by if you continue letting her control things. My guess is there is someone in her life, and she is keeping you at bay until she figures out if he will go somewhere. That's also a narcissistic trait. I dated a guy who was a narcissist, and he never wanted to let me go, but he also never wanted to treat me right. I was always in limbo like you, but eventually I ended it, and went no contact. Blocked his phone number and any other way for him to contact me. It was the only way out, I learned. Praying for you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> Most advice I was given was just go about my life and "go dark". She eventually will have to contact me if she wants a divorce.
> 
> Not sure who gave you that advice. Wife does not have to do anything. As to "go dark", she already has. You are not "going dark" by contacting her continually.
> 
> ...


You might have no other option here than to get a job, get some money and then have her served with divorce papers at her place of work. 

How are your finances? Do you have separate accounts? Do you have money saved? You should at your age and good education/job prospects. 

Whose name is on the apartment lease? If yours and hers, YOU will be liable for payment if she stops. In fact YOU are liable for any payments on accounts on which you are listed as joint owner.

Pull your credit report and pull hers too if want. You should be able to answer the security questions the websites will ask you. www. annualcreditreport.com


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> This. And she is controlling the entire situation, and not answering you...'just in case' plan A,B,and C don't work out, you'll still be sitting around waiting for her. Your feelings matter, OP. I hope you find a way to be strong in this, and stand up for yourself.


"Give it to her" is not apt, is not correct. 

In proper context; you need to "Give it back to her". Pull the knife out of your heart, get stitched up, wash the blood off of the knife and break it in two. Mail it back with a note that says:

That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger.

An old and trite saying but is still true in this instance.

The mailman is virtual but the thoughts are real in your head.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What he said. Have her served.
> She is keeping you only for plan d.
> She has a man other than you. Pretty obvious. Symptoms classic.
> She wants drinking, single life, and no responsibility.
> ...


"Give it to her" is not apt, is not correct. 

In proper context; you need to "Give it back to her". Pull the knife out of your heart, get stitched up, wash the blood off of the knife and break it in two. Mail it back with a note that says:

That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger.

An old and trite saying but is still true in this instance.

The mailman is virtual but the thoughts are real in your head. 

I put this in Deidre's post. It should have been here. Oh, well!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Whatisacup said:


> I am trying. I send her an email every few days asking how she wants to go about the divorce. No response.


Have her served. That says a thousand words without saying one.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Leave her and go bang another girl or three. Sounds like you have no kids. This is pretty simple. Time to look towards the benefits of being single again. Sucks you don't have a job and she has the $. Get yourself a good job and get in great shape. You'll be back to #1 in no time.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Whatisacup said:


> She originally offered to pay for the whole divorce and we do a non contest. She was the breadwinner. Now that I'm agreeing, she will not talk to me. I keep trying to contact her offering mediation if she doesn't want to speak to me. Non contest will avoid a one year waiting period. We had an agreement on temporary marital support to get myself on the ground, now she's gone Mia.
> 
> She continues to pay my credit card, phone and health insurance.


You've only been married 3 years, any spousal support would be very short in length if at all. One day she will just quit paying the bills most likely. 

Quit emailing her, your emails tell her one thing, your still hanging around and that's it.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

Hey man I am very sorry you are here. I read through your thread and wow it is very similar to how my current situation started last May. I think the best advice I could give you is listen to what people are telling you here. File for divorce ASAP, I was just like you so much so that it's scary. I waited and waited and made excuses for my walk away wife. Finally I made the decision that divorce was the only way to go. My divorce will be final hopefully within the next month. I still have a long way to go but time heals and in time you will heal, however that process will not start until you get yourself out of this mess.

I was married a bit longer than you guys however I am also in my early 30s and no kids, I still struggle with my future and what it may look like but I'll tell you what...waiting around in limbo like you are doing now is doing damage to yourself and that's all you should be concerned about now. Worry about you and your best interests. 

File for divorce, find a way to pay your own bills and do it now.

I'm here if you want to chat and get more specific but like I said I see some strong similarities in what your going through and what I went through. Keep posting and seriously listen to the advice given to you. Some of my best decisions were made because of the encouragement and advice I was given by some great people here on TAM.

Hang in there, take care of YOU now.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Look man, your in a shty situation. No one wants to be on this site, no one wants to feel like they weren't good enough. Unfortunately no one dictates how life is going to play out, you just have to find ways to dust yourself off and get back up. 

There is only one thing you can control in all of this...That is how YOU are going to handle YOUR life going forward.

You cant control another person, believe me I tried. I showered with gifts, promises, offered to support her while she explored her inner self (wow, what crap that is!). You know why I did this??? It wasn't because I loved her, it was because I didnt love myself! I was trying to control her to keep her around so that she can fill a void. This is no way to live...

You have been living a reality with your STBX that isnt normal, it was just what YOU were use to. 

Try to understand this, your life with her, just because its familiar doesnt mean it was right. IT WAS DEAD WRONG!!! People are happy, you deserve to be happy. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.

You want her back to fill the void that's left, not because you love her. I can GUARANTEE that (I am going through the same thing my friend)

Again, you can control yourself only. Work on YOU...

1- You need to get a job...ASAP. If anything else it gets your mind off this sht. Puts some coin in your pocket. Really no draw backs here

2- Stop obsessing (easier said that done I know). Once you realize that the hurt isnt love You can start to move.

3- Find a hobbie. If your like me, you don't have many (if any). This is a challenge for me. I am leaning towards joining the local Y, getting involved in sports nightly. Possibly volunteering in a school as well. 

4- Talk to people about how you can coupe. This helps but you need to speak with the right people, not just those you will tell you want you want to hear. Dude, call me if you need to! 

5- If your not in shape, get in shape. This needs to start now (the one thing I have been doing religiously).

6- Get in counseling like tomorrow...If you cant afford it. Post here alot! Read here alot! It helps you see the progression and that there is an end to this.

Alot of guys/gals here have helped me so far...I still have alot to do. I have however awoken to alot since being here, you will too!

Oh yea I almost forgot, DO NOT CONTACT HER ANYMORE IT JUST CAUSES YOU MORE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

I was trying to contact her to get a non-contest divorce going. She won't speak to me.

She wanted the divorce but I've been the one pushing to get it done, all she has done was ignore me. She said she wants a divorce but keeps coming up with excuses why she can't do it right now.

Her and my dad are close and they spoke, and she listed a bunch of complaints of why she wants a divorce. He said you know marriage isn't easy and you guys haven't even addressed your complaints with a professional, and my dad said counseling saved his marriage. She said he has improved and give me two weeks to think about it. 

I later sent her an email saying I got my dads message and I'm happy she's reconsidering. I told her I don't know what either of us want but I want to talk about it before we jump to divorce. She responded (which she hasn't been) and said yeah. I told her to send me a hello and we can have small non R talk.

I'm even more confused now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are in your 30's unemployed and living with your parents? Your wife is paying your bills.

Maybe she's taking her time finding your replacement. Why can't you get up on your own two feet and make a life for yourself? At this time you have to be very unnattractive to her.

Being honest if I was her I'd probably be moving on at my own time and place as well.


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## Whatisacup (Mar 18, 2016)

Just recently laid off. Accepted an offer today. I've always been fully employed and have a strong work ethic, that has nothing to do with it. 

If this divorce goes through, I'm moving back to the west coast. She said she wants the divorce asap but won't do anything on her end.

I have the means for my own place but she's being wishy washy.

I've lived on my own since I was 17, staying with a family member during a divorce isn't unheard of.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> She said she wants a divorce but keeps coming up with excuses why she can't do it right now.


What are some of the excuses?

It's great you are back to work. Hit the gym. Every day. 

When the cat goes to cat heaven, get a dog. Best chick magnet ever. (Make sure it is a real dog, not any of those miniature things. )


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> I am trying. I send her an email every few days asking how she wants to go about the divorce. No response.


The hell with her.

You drive it.

Next time, you be the breadwinner.

When she makes more, it kills attraction.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

You've been separated for over 3 months now, how much longer are you willing to ride this emotional roll coaster? Take it from someone who has been through something that seems to be very very similar and road the same roller coaster for way too long. Whichever way this goes with you and your walk away wife, once you start to show your strength and self worth not only to yourself (very important) but also to her, things will change. Not sure what that "change" will be for your situation but you're teetering back and forth right now and you have to admit it sucks. I wish you nothing but the best but take control of yourself and YOUR life right now, once that happens the stepping stones to your future will start to appear with our without her. 

I hate to sound harsh but you are portraying weakness to her and that isn't helping at all! I know this all too well my friend. As hard as it may seem just do you right now, take that job offer and roll with it... Rock it, get your self back. Show your worth, strength and ability to thrive with or without her. Once that happens you'll find the answers on where your marriage falls.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MrPack said:


> You've been separated for over 3 months now, how much longer are you willing to ride this emotional roll coaster? Take it from someone who has been through something that seems to be very very similar and road the same roller coaster for way too long. Whichever way this goes with you and your walk away wife, once you start to show your strength and self worth not only to yourself (very important) but also to her, things will change. Not sure what that "change" will be for your situation but you're teetering back and forth right now and you have to admit it sucks. I wish you nothing but the best but take control of yourself and YOUR life right now, once that happens the stepping stones to your future will start to appear with our without her.
> 
> I hate to sound harsh but you are portraying weakness to her and that isn't helping at all! I know this all too well my friend. As hard as it may seem just do you right now, take that job offer and roll with it... Rock it, get your self back. Show your worth, strength and ability to thrive with or without her. Once that happens you'll find the answers on where your marriage falls.


Damn... you have really come a long way from that first post!

Great job.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Damn... you have really come a long way from that first post!
> 
> Great job.


Thank you, that means a lot. I still have a ways to go but could not have gotten to where I'm at now without you all here on TAM.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Stop emailing her about the D. Just file yourself. When a wife is asking for a break, it's always to try out a new one for size. Don't be plan B. 

You'll empower yourself by filing on your terms. Also get busy working on yourself. Being unemployed has probably done a number on your self confidence, not to mention, I'm sure you subconsciously know your wife has not been faithful. That can really do a number on you.

I recommend that you reconnect with your male friends. Get involved in hobby / sports that you've neglected because you were now a married man. Also work on your appearance. (clothes, hygiene, gym,ETC)


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

You being unemployed and her carrying the weight isn't unheard of nor should it be a mark against you. That can happen to anyone at anytime.

As long as your actively looking (which OP seems to have been), she has a duty as his PARTNER to help out.

If she got laid off, would OP be looking to better deal her, NO.

That's just an excuse (if shes using it) to justify her actions to herself.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

unbe said:


> You being unemployed and her carrying the weight isn't unheard of nor should it be a mark against you. That can happen to anyone at anytime.
> 
> As long as your actively looking (which OP seems to have been), she has a duty as his PARTNER to help out.
> 
> ...


Unbe,

We're not talking about "should's" here.

We're talking about reality.

When the woman is the breadwinner or the male partner is unemployed - for whatever reason - it hurts the emotional aspect of the relationship.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> Unbe,
> 
> We're not talking about "should's" here.
> 
> ...


Does the same speak true for a women who is emotionally stable and mature?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Whatisacup said:


> Just recently laid off. Accepted an offer today. I've always been fully employed and have a strong work ethic, that has nothing to do with it.
> 
> If this divorce goes through, I'm moving back to the west coast. She said she wants the divorce asap but won't do anything on her end.
> 
> ...


You're using her credit card, she's paying your phone bill, you're on her insurance. She may be trading up.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

unbe said:


> Does the same speak true for a women who is emotionally stable and mature?


Emotions are primitive.

Resentment and insecurity eat at the superstructure of a relationship the same way rust eats a steel bridge.

No matter how "stable", a woman will likely feel "safer" in a relationship if her partner gives her financial security.


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