# Do I give up or do what I want...get him back



## snookee

Well like most people here I want to get back with my husband. We've been together 20 years and started out as a blended family; he had one child, I had one child, and together we had one child. That youngest one is in college now. We have 2 granchildren also who mean the world to both of us.

April 21st this year he comes to me and says those infamous words, "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I was crushed. Sure there were issues but I didn't think it was coming to that. Then the next month I saw him and his boss come out of a hotel. They both said they were just talking. She's got young kids (11 and 13?) and is married. That was horrible and he moved out beginning of June. 

So I cried and ranted and send emails and endless texts and went to where he is living. That did no good. When our anniversary came up in July he said it was over and done. I then decided not to do all the stuff I'd been doing because it wasn't working. Now today, 4 months after the initial shock, we're both living separate lives. I think, can't be 100% sure though, that he's still seeing this woman. Everyone says that this probably will fizzle out and then I don't know. I don't think that my 59 yr old husband wants to raise more children. I still want to make a go of it and have read so many articles and books on getting him back, etc. Also if he's not living with me I don't want him spending so much time with the grandkids when I'm there like last weekend. Officially he is their grandpa through marriage and I felt very uncomfortable with him there and talking to friends and family as if nothing is wrong.

So the question is: What can I do now to convince him to see that the marriage is worth saving and we can get past all of this? I am willing to move on and accept all that has happened and divorce to me was not an option. I emailed him a link to this MarriageBootCamp.com and suggested we go. He had no response. I say I'll leave him alone and he will come home but I'm not 100% convinced that it'll work. Someone have some advice????


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## toolforgrowth

You can't convince him. The only person who can do that is himself. He's probably deep in the fog. The best thing you can do is go dark, meaning no contact, and practice the 180. (Disclaimer: the 180 is not to win your spouse back, but rather to prepare you for life without your spouse) I would quietly fade into the background. No more emails, texts, phone calls, anything. He needs to see what life is like without you and actually risk losing you. More importantly, he needs to see you be strong and stand up for yourself. He's walking all over you and you are still trying to get him back. That doesn't instill a sense of respect for you in him. You need to show him that his actions are unacceptable and that there will be consequences for them. If he gets scared about losing you, he may want to come back, at which point you will have to decide what you want. If he doesn't, then you'll have your answer. 

Has divorce been filed yet? I recommend you seek an attorney for legal advice. 

Unless you believe he would harm them, I don't believe there is anything you can do about the grandkids. He has as much right to see them as you do. However you are under no obligation to facilitate contact. He can do that all on his own if he wants to see them.

Very sorry that you are here. This is going to be a tough road. Keep posting though; the people on TAM are awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

I found the book: Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, very helpful. It helped me recoginize what my wife was going through and how to deal with it.

20 years sounds like the perfect time for a Mid Life Crisis. If it is, they are living in a fog where the grass looks greenier, but in most case they will see the error of their ways in the future. 

The key is patience and damage control. If you want to save it, you need to accept some things that most people would not.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It is painful. 180 and ask around here at TAM for support.

All the best to you!


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## cpacan

You need to remove focus from his life to yourself. You can't _make_ him want you.

Be the best version of yourself. Work on your body and mind - and do it just for you.

Maybe your (ex)husband will fall for that, or maybe he will not. But either way, it will help you create a beautifull future for you. If he doesn't buy that, there will be others who will. You have nothing to loose.

Try it out - it works wonders. Good luck to you


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## snookee

Well I'm definitely trying to work on myself, exercising, seeing a counselor/coach and trying to keep busy working and going out with friends. Its just at 59 1/2 I didn't think this would be. So do a lot of women I see. 

I guess if it happens it happens. Maybe I won't want him.


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## lostwithouthim

I agree with all of the above comments  You need to work on yourself and do the 180. My husband left me about a month ago and I think he's noticing the change in me already. He phoned me up tonight and we had a 20 min phone call. I may be too hopeful though and he is just trying to get round me for some reason. I hope we are on the road to recovery though! Begging, pleading, taking him away from his grandkids will only drive him further away. Instead use this time to show him that you've changed. Be happy in yourself, have positive upbeat conversations with him but not about the marriage, tell him about your day and listen to what he has to say about his day. I also find when you are on the road to recovery that happy memories that you've shared together also helps!


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