# Relationship question: need a woman's perspective on potential living situation



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Hi all,
I'm at a point where I'd like to make a decision to buy a house, but am also in a relationship that I could see eventually evolving into marriage, or at least being a multi-year thing. We're both happy and like eachother a lot.

There are a few factors that complicate this:
- I have a daughter from a prior marriage & joint custody, and see my daughter a fair amount (approx 36% of the year when all days are added up)

- GF has no kids and has never been married. We're both the same age, in our late 30's.

- My daughter & XW live in the burbs, and I also live nearby in the burbs (for the sole reason to be close to my daughter).

- GF lives in the city, in a gentrifying neighborhood where she can ride her bike, walk to bars & restaurants, and parks, etc. I appreciate that & also used to live in the city... nightlife was important to me in my 20's and early 30's, but it's a lot less now.

- I'm renting right now, and while my living situation is decent enough and stable, I'd like to buy a house here so I can have a backyard for my daughter and her friends to play in, and also garden for myself (a hobby I've taken up because of the quarantine/COVID-19 situation).

- My GF has said in no uncertain terms that she will not move to the suburbs.

- Pricing - I've been looking at real estate listings here and in the city, and really could not afford a single-family home in a decent neighborhood in the city; I'd be looking at a 2 bedroom condo, or at best a 2/3 bedroom townhome. So... finding a working compromise is nearly impossible.

More recently, I mentioned a nice house I saw pop up on the market here in the burbs. GF got surprisingly hostile and said if I wanted that, she could just buy a condo in the city then. When I said, maybe that's the solution, I live out here and she lives there, and we see eachother a couple days during the week, and on weekends (which is how often we see eachother now), she got upset and said that would be a dealbreaker for her.

So... I guess she sees marriage and cohabitation as the goal.

I do too, but I don't see a way to make that work & also balance my responsibilities as a father with her _no-suburb-ultimatum_. I'm committed to being part of my daughter's life, and I don't want to be in the position where I have to drive an hour both ways in rush-hour traffic to pick her up, and drive out to the burbs in the morning to take her to school. This would mean I get less time with my daughter, and also adds a lot of traffic-related stress to the equation.

*So... specific questions*:
1) From a woman's perspective, would you move into a house your BF bought on his own... or is it really that important that it be "a joint endeavor"?

1a) Is there anything I could do to make it more palatable... like let her decorate? Give her joint ownership in a pre-nup if we have kids?

2) Does this situation look like a long term deal breaker?

3) I thought living apart could be a reasonable compromise. Reasons for this are we're both more independent & somewhat introverted, set in our ways, and after my last experience, I'm not convinced I ever need to be married again, but am keeping an open mind. Has anybody else managed a sort of "separate but together" housing arrangement?

FWIW, I'm not in any hurry, and can wait to see how things play out, or if she ever comes around. I.e. I don't NEED to buy a house anytime soon. But I'd also hate to miss out on something I like... I would be much happier in a house right now than my apartment. I'm trying not to push the issue, but I don't feel like my GF is being reasonable about this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I didn’t bother reading the whole thing because something became obvious very quickly......

You are letting her control the narrative of your life including your future plans for what you want for your daughter.

Hell No ......


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is a tough situation, but what I do not like is your girlfriend's hostile attitude. if this is a deal breaker for her, that should tell you something. The living arrangement shoudl be something to discuss in a calm manner. if she looks at this as potential marriage and kids and you are saying you done with marriage most likely, that's another issue between two of you that should be clarifed

And as Mr.Married said - your daughter should be here priority. And you want woman who understands that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divorced woman here, single mom to two kids for the past decade.

I'd definitely buy a house in the suburbs and _make a nice life with my daughter, yard and garden and all_.

Your girlfriend friend doesn't want to live in the suburbs. Sounds like you two are incompatible.

Move forward with your life with your child. 

There will be a woman out there who will enjoy living in the suburbs and having a life there with child, garden, and all.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I’m a woman. If it were me I’d encourage you to buy a house in the burbs. You’re already in the burbs anyway so why not improve your living situation for you and your daughter?

I understand wanting to take your GF‘s wishes into consideration but she’s not open to options so, IMO, she’s affectively removed herself from consideration.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Advice for the OP:
Throw that fish back into the pond.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> Advice for the OP:
> Throw that fish back into the pond.


THIS.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so. I think part of what upset the girl friend is she is looking at this all wrong. It feels like you are picking your old family over your potential new family. And your suggestion that you live apart is a signal that you don't see marrying her.

Have you sat down and just had an open conversation?
I like you and I think eventually I could see us living together and getting married. I am a father and I need to be in the burbs so I can afford a house for me and my daughter and maybe you one day. 

I think this whole conversation threatened her perceived position. But instead of guessing or playing games you could just lay it on the table.

How does she and your daughter get along? Is she nice to your daughter or does she just tolerate her? How is the dynamic when you are involved work? Does your daughter play you?

If they don't get along then this was never really going to work anyway. If they do then you should have a more straight forward conversation with your girlfriend. Tell her that you understand she likes the city but with children you don't see living in the city anytime soon.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nope, I wouldn't move into and contribute to a house that my bf owned and got all of the benefit out of, particularly since you're looking for her to fold into your life, which she does not want to do and isn't obligated to do.

But I also think you should stay near your daughter, so that makes you two incompatible. Your gf has a child free life and isn't obligated to change her life to suit your responsibilities, but your daughter must be a priority in yours.

Find someone who wants what you want.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

You're not married to her, therefore, she has no say in where you should live/what house to buy. Not really sure why she's mad about that...You want to be close to your daughter; also, it's not right for you to ask this woman to change her lifestyle for you. If it's a dealbreaker for her (which I understand), then you should not be together. Your daughter should come first. Buy the house you want for the sake of your daughter, and let the chips fall where they may.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I am not a woman, but I have to say something. In long term relationships, many things have to be negotiated and at times, renegotiated. These things range from where you live to who empties the dishwasher. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to negotiate. Her life remains the same or you are out. That would be a disqualifying demeanor for a successful relationship in my book.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I am not a woman, but I have to say something. In long term relationships, many things have to be negotiated and at times, renegotiated. These things range from where you live to who empties the dishwasher. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to negotiate. Her life remains the same or you are out. That would be a disqualifying demeanor for a successful relationship in my book.


I agree with this in general, but I would add that he is actually not going to negotiate anything. He wants her to move into a house that he is going to buy on his own to suit his responsibilities.

The problem here is that because he has a daughter all sacrificing has to be done by her....her. She'd have to upend her life while his barely changes at all.

It's nobody's fault..their situations just aren't compatible.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with this in general, but I would add that he is actually not going to negotiate anything. He wants her to move into a house that he is going to buy on his own to suit his responsibilities.
> 
> The problem here is that because he has a daughter all sacrificing has to be done by her....her. She'd have to upend her life while his barely changes at all.
> 
> It's nobody's fault..their situations just aren't compatible.


The above answer is my train of thought as well, your current lifestyles aren't quite in sync. You can be in love with someone but that doesn't always mean you are right for each other. Buy the house that best suits your families best interest.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Thanks all, for the advice. 

To be clear: my daughter absolutely comes first, and I would not make a decision that affects my relationship with her, or stretches me financially or for time just to accommodate my GF. So I'm not letting her dictate anything. 

And as much as I enjoy the nightlife of the city and eating out, neither are happening right now due to the pandemic, and regardless - we're both at the age where it starts to really take a toll on one's health to "indulge" so much... and I think my GF is starting to realize that on her own. Plus her best friend is having a kid and settling down now.

I don't want to put this as an ultimatum to her; I mean, she knew I was divorced and had a daughter when we met and started dating, so it seems to me unfair for her to complain about those at any point in our relationship (not that she has, but I'm thinking about the longer term). Obviously though, because of that she has to make more compromises in the relationship to accommodate my history. But I hope that's something she can deal with mentally and move on, without it becoming a continuous issue.

I kind of hope my GF starts to come around to the idea on her own; I mean she _likes _to spend time at my place. And as time has gone on, she offers to come over here more frequently. 

I suppose I'm looking for what's "reasonable" to expect a woman in her situation to accept or agree to, and what compromises to ask her to make. At the same time maybe some of you are right, and at some point, I need to say to her "_This is just how it is for me. You can take it - and move in, or leave it - and move on._"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’s obviously a big difference between life in the burbs and life in the city. I enjoyed both at very different times of my life but they are very different lifestyles. She wants the city and won’t leave. You want the burbs and shouldn’t (IMO) leave. The idea of continuing to live apart seems the best solution but sounds like she wants marriage much sooner than you do. She probably doesn’t want to wait until your daughter’s not with you (and I assume that might be a number of years yet to go). So, yes, you may have to remind her that she knew what the situation was when she started dating you. Nothing’s changed. If that’s a dealbreaker for her then it is but your daughter deserves to be your priority for now.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I am not a woman, but I have to say something. In long term relationships, many things have to be negotiated and at times, renegotiated. These things range from where you live to who empties the dishwasher. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to negotiate. Her life remains the same or you are out. That would be a disqualifying demeanor for a successful relationship in my book.


I get that everything is a negotiation, but I feel like some things - kids for example - aren't a negotiation point. A person needs to accept that about their significant other, and move forward. Or if they can't accept it, move on - preferably sooner than later.

We can negotiate what color to paint the bedroom, or where to eat dinner.




lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with this in general, but I would add that he is actually not going to negotiate anything. He wants her to move into a house that he is going to buy on his own to suit his responsibilities.
> 
> The problem here is that because he has a daughter all sacrificing has to be done by her....her. She'd have to upend her life while his barely changes at all.
> 
> It's nobody's fault..their situations just aren't compatible.


She'd likely get a better paying job here in the burbs (she and I have already discussed her job options outside the city).

Plus neither of us own property right now. We're both renting.

She's sent mixed messages to me on this; she's told me she wants to settle down and have a family (though that window is starting to close for her), and feels the pressure from her family and friends over being single and w/out kids. I can see she's struggling to decide things for herself.

I think she's a good person, and really like her and am happy with her, so I don't want to ditch a wonderful relationship over the housing issue, but I also am not going to live my life going forward chasing a lifestyle that forces me to give more than I receive. I suppose in the end, it may come down to whether I can persuade her to see things my way or not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do your daughter and your girlfriend get along? How often is your daughter with you want your girlfriend is around?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> I get that everything is a negotiation, but I feel like some things - kids for example - aren't a negotiation point. A person needs to accept that about their significant other, and move on.
> 
> We can negotiate what color to paint the bedroom, or where to eat dinner.
> 
> ...


Why would you want to persuade her? Seems to me that this is a decision she should make on her own.

There is no compromise here where you will give more then you receive. While she knew you were divorced she may not have fully realized what that meant, so she probably has mixed feelings....thus the mixed signals. 

And on the flip side you knew she had no children and liked her city life...nobody forced you to date her yet now you want her to give up her life to accommodate yours.

I just get the feeling that you don't comprehend that you're asking her to essentially leave her life and drop into yours, and I think its important that you understand that pretty much all of the sacrificing is going to be done by her if she decides to go along with this. 

It's going to set things up for a lot of resentment if you take the attitude that she knew about your daughter and so you are entitled. If she feels like you understand what you're asking of her it might even help her decision.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How do your daughter and your girlfriend get along? How often is your daughter with you want your girlfriend is around?


FWIW - my daughter is very sweet & likes my GF. and my GF says she likes my daughter, and they seem to have a good connection and like eachother's company. 

My GF will buy her books and things, and will come over when she's here (generally every other weekend... but a bit less due to the pandemic).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

On the other hand, I know --too many to count-- men who have dated and then married women with children, and these men became stepfather and husband and formed a family until with these women and children, suburbs and gardens and family lifestyle and all, and are proud of the family they created together, and never termed it as having to "drop into" her life.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I am a women in my 30s without kids and I live in the city and love the city lifestyle. I personally would not move into a house that is previously owned and lived in by my SO. I want to start a life with my partner, not being put into his already life. 

But if I were you, and I were dead set on living in the suburbs I would buy a house, and continue living the way you are already living. And then and IF you two want to make the next step together and move in, it would have to be a conversation. Moving and owning a house is not permanent. You can decide to sell if the situation no longer suits you. 


You need to talk to your girlfriend. What are her expectations? Does she want to live in the city in a house forever? Have kids in the city? There is nothing wrong with any of this. But the problem I see is that your expectation and hers are not the same. So you both need to talk about what you both want, where you can compromise, and where you won’t. You are not in the same page. And it’s hard to make decisions when you aren’t on the same page. You are on your own independent page without her right now and you should buy the house.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why would you want to persuade her? Seems to me that this is a decision she should make on her own.
> 
> There is no compromise here where you will give more then you receive. While she knew you were divorced she may not have fully realized what that meant, so she probably has mixed feelings....thus the mixed signals.
> 
> ...


Well... some things about her I didn't know at first. The idea that living in the suburbs was a dealbreaker for her was a recent admission. 

When our relationship got more serious, she asked me if I would still be open to marriage and having more kids, and I said "yes" which is true. We didn't have to foresight to discuss where we would live when the time came for those things... 

I think her wanting to have a house in the city and raise kids there is a little unrealistic (due to the cost of desirable real estate in the city here). I mean if that was her goal, she should've found a guy with a trust fund, not a professional still paying off grad loans and with child support... she also didn't consider the travel time and mechanics of how I'd see my daughter if I got a place in the city.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Another thing is, you need to start to incorporate your gf in your daughters life. She needs to see what reality would look like with a future with him. She will be a step mom. Your ex will be in her life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s apparently feeling the pressure of family and friends and of a ticking clock — especially getting close to 40 — to get married and have a child or two. She may be ready for that much sooner than you are. It’s generally expensive to live in the city by yourself and really expensive to raise a family there. The people I know who live in the city with children have them in private school. Some even decided to move to the burbs, where the schools are better than in the city, just so they weren’t dealing with the added expense of private school. Money is definitely something to consider when you live in the city with a family.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now that both of you know all these things you weren’t focused on before, it’s time for a serious conversation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TomNebraska said:


> More recently, I mentioned a nice house I saw pop up on the market here in the burbs. GF got surprisingly hostile and said if I wanted that, she could just buy a condo in the city then. When I said, maybe that's the solution, I live out here and she lives there, and we see eachother a couple days during the week, and on weekends (which is how often we see eachother now), she got upset and said that would be a dealbreaker for her.


Here's what I don't understand: She was crystal clear on how she felt. This isn't about negotiating a compromise. Why? Because living in the 'burbs is a "deal breaker" for her.

Relationships require lots of compromise. The thing is, her response when you brought up this issue doesn't strike me as someone who is interested in compromising (or changing her mind) on this particular issue. Sure, you can hope she changes her mind down the road, but I sure wouldn't live on "hopium." 

You two may have many aspects of your relationship that are pleasant. But compromise IS a very important aspect in relationships. Sounds like a no-go to me. And I'm speaking as a woman.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I don't think your gf's response "City or nothing" was the right one, I can see how she may have the impression that you're not serious about her, and are content to date for the forseeable future. That's the impression that I would have got, had my husband started talking about this kind of thing like that when we were dating. Not saying you intentionally gave that impression, but it's likely how she took it. That conversation needs to happen now - where is this going? How will it look?

Also, you need to remember that if you do go ahead and marry your gf and have children with her, going forward you'll need to consider all of your children in big decisions, not just the one you have with your ex.

That said, I am the second wife to my husband. When we met, he had a daughter (obviously lol), I have no children of my own. I embraced that almost all that came with it (high conflict ex). I had my own house, he had his. They were about 40 minutes apart. When it came time to live together it was a no brainer - I moved to him, because it was closer to his ex's home, his daughters school, friends, everything. He had 50/50 custody of his daughter and we all wanted any impact on her to be minimal. We now have her full time, she has ASD and her mum couldn't cope with her so sent her to us. I now home school her and we raise her together. 

A gf isn't a fiance or wife, you don't need to consider her in this decision at the moment. I would have the conversation with her before doing anything, and if it seems like a compromise is possible down the track I would continue renting for now. If it remains a deal breaker, you would need to accept that you're not compatible and then buy a home for you and your daughter.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> While I don't think your gf's response "City or nothing" was the right one, I can see how she may have the impression that you're not serious about her, and are content to date for the forseeable future. That's the impression that I would have got, had my husband started talking about this kind of thing like that when we were dating. Not saying you intentionally gave that impression, but it's likely how she took it. That conversation needs to happen now - where is this going? How will it look?
> 
> Also, you need to remember that if you do go ahead and marry your gf and have children with her, going forward you'll need to consider all of your children in big decisions, not just the one you have with your ex.
> 
> I would have the conversation with her before doing anything, and if it seems like a compromise is possible down the track I would continue renting for now. If it remains a deal breaker, you would need to accept that you're not compatible and then buy a home for you and your daughter.


Excellent advice! 

OP, how long have you been with your GF? 
You need to sit and have a long serious talk about your future together. Such decisions (housing/shared living) are very important because it'll hugely impact your future (mostly) and hers as well. You need to *decide how important are you two for each other* - from there you can come to a conclusion who will sacrifice what. 
If you take any decision without including her, she'll take it as if you don't care enough, on the other hand - if she's absolutely set on living in the city - then she is not ready to make such a big change. 

It could be that you two might not be able to make huge changes and those changes depend on how strong your relationship is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> We're both happy and like eachother a lot.


Until you can say that you love her, there is no point in trying to think of how you can persuade her. Would you really want to live with someone you had to persuade? That is a recipe for disaster.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I am not a woman, but I have to say something. In long term relationships, many things have to be negotiated and at times, renegotiated. These things range from where you live to who empties the dishwasher. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to negotiate. Her life remains the same or you are out. That would be a disqualifying demeanor for a successful relationship in my book.


My thinking didn't quite match what I said. Some things such as the best location for children in shared custody aren't really negotiable. In order to have a relationship with him, she would need to cave on that one, but it would be reason for her to negotiate to get her way in other things - if it weren't a relationship stopper. I guess I live my life much more flexibly. Many years ago, I moved to marry my wife and moving wasn't what I wanted at all - but I wanted her. She recognized that I had sacrificed and I was able to negotiate some other things with leverage because I had made that sacrifice. If living in a particular place is a hard no for anyone, I would think it just wasn't meant to be.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

frusdil said:


> While I don't think your gf's response "City or nothing" was the right one, I can see how she may have the impression that you're not serious about her, and are content to date for the forseeable future. That's the impression that I would have got, had my husband started talking about this kind of thing like that when we were dating. Not saying you intentionally gave that impression, but it's likely how she took it. That conversation needs to happen now - where is this going? How will it look?
> 
> Also, you need to remember that if you do go ahead and marry your gf and have children with her, going forward you'll need to consider all of your children in big decisions, not just the one you have with your ex.
> 
> ...


Thanks, *frusdil*, this is helpful. My ex is also high conflict (as I've written about before here), and I think my GF is wary of that from some of my stories. I'll respond more, below.



lovelygirl said:


> Excellent advice!
> 
> OP, how long have you been with your GF?
> You need to sit and have a long serious talk about your future together. Such decisions (housing/shared living) are very important because it'll hugely impact your future (mostly) and hers as well. You need to *decide how important are you two for each other* - from there you can come to a conclusion who will sacrifice what.
> ...


We've been together for 7 months. We've spent a lot of time together dealing with the COVID-19 quarantine and helping eachother through that as well. so it feels like a longer time than that. We're both starting to trust eachother, and I can tell she likes to be with me, and has gone out of her way to see me. We've both been there to help eachother out with problems that have arisen during this time. So, I'd have to say, I see the markings of someone I can trust and build a life together with. 

She never married or had kids because of some life & career choices she made that I can see she has some regrets over (she moved abroad twice for work). But has generally had long term relationships. Her decisions to live/work aborad were what I would consider frivolous or immature, (she would say "romantic") but hopefully those are in the past(?)

I left this next part out of the first post (I go back and forth between whether to write everything, or be concise), but after the blow up over the living situation, we talked and she dialed it down a bit. She said she felt I was making a unilateral decision over housing that would affect both of us without her input, and got defensive.

At this point, I understand I need to have another conversation with her about this. 

She has her reasons for not wanting to buy a place in the burbs... I get it. She doesn't want to be close to my XW, and wants to live in a fun, boutique-kinda neighborhood, with a cute little house in a walkable area with bars and restaurants nearby. Don't we all!!! 

This is - I agree - a wonderful thing. The problems, as I see them are:


even the smallest houses in the areas we've looked at are about *twice *what we could comfortably afford.
these houses (2 bedroom/1 bath) would make things very cramped when my daughter is over. if we had our own child someday, they wouldn't have their own room, or my daughter would have to sleep on the couch. This is not something I would agree to.
her mom & brother's family would likely stay with us when they're in town... there would be absolutely no space for that.
I'd have to drive an hour to get my daughter during rush hour, and another hour back home on nights I have her, and get up and out the door by 6 - 6:30AM to get her to school on time in the burbs. So that not only cuts an hour out of time I get to see her in the evenings, but adds a lot of stress to leave work early and get ready for school.
right now, schools in the city are lousy, especially middle school and up. Private schools in our city are $5K- $15K a year. Yikes. So in addition to buying a house we can barely afford, we'd need to be driving our careers ahead & working more to ensure we can afford to school our kids.

So I need to have a conversation with her about these things... at some point. I'm not in a position to buy a house right now, due to employment uncertainty, which will likely be resolved next month. 

if we bought a place in the suburbs, we'd have:

plenty of space for kids and visiting relatives
good public schools for kids for the foreseeable future
either of us could afford to maintain the house if something happened to the other & we'd be able to pay down the mortgage and build equity in it, without stretching our finances
she would likely have to leave her current job. but she hates it, has told me she could get the same job or better job in the burbs, and it would pay better.
we could still go into the city on weekends or even weeknights to visit parks, shows, museums, bars and restaurants. it's not like we're moving to a cabin in Montana... it's 15 miles or 20 mins into the city w/out traffic.

I guess it comes down to her reaction... If she can understand these things, and accommodate them understanding that this is a life she's choosing to build together with me, and I'm not imposing them on her, then I think she's a keeper and this is how it will go.

Otherwise... I'm just enjoying a fling. 

I can put this conversation off, but will need to have it at some point. Any advice on the best time/method for doing that?

Obviously the issue of marriage is going to be brought up as well... but I don't know if I'm ready to make that commitment and ask her to marry me. Ideally, she'd agree buying a place in the burbs is the right move, and we could live there for a while, and get married sometime next year - after the Pandemic ends. If it ever does... 

Just thinking out loud with some of this...


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

I'll add - I'm not trying to turn this into a urban/suburban hate fest. I never wanted to live in the burbs in the first place, but that's where I am & what I'm dealing with. I need to make the best of it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Only 7 months - why the hurry? Do you need help financially to swing the house?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Have I missed the post where you say you love her? You cherish ever second together? You can't live with the thought of her not being a part of your life? She may be miss wonderful, but it's only been a seven month relationship, so you shouldn't be in such a rush to plan the rest of your life.

I think the prudent thing to do would be continue renting for another year where you are or close by. Then reevaluate things.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Only 7 months - why the hurry? Do you need help financially to swing the house?


no. but I'd like to buy a house sooner than later, and I want her to be on board with the decision, not angry with me for doing it.



Cooper said:


> Have I missed the post where you say you love her? You cherish ever second together? You can't live with the thought of her not being a part of your life? She may be miss wonderful, but it's only been a seven month relationship, so you shouldn't be in such a rush to plan the rest of your life.
> 
> I think the prudent thing to do would be continue renting for another year where you are or close by. Then reevaluate things.


Agree... I am just sick of renting, and would like to be in my own house asap. The key is the gap in timing between maybe buying a house & seeing where the r/s goes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At this stage, do what is best for you. She'll come along or she won't.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

In #31, You made your case and it is a convincing one from many angles.
Your GF knows you are a father. She needs to factor that into the equation. Make your case to her. Either she buys in or she buys out.
You need to do what is best for your daughter. The move to the Burbs is prudent not only financially, but also from a quality of life perspective.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She seems to have a unrealistic romantic idea of living in the city. 

I think she needs a dose of reality. What her life will realistically look like if you guys stay together. The sooner you have the conversation the better. Do it over dinner, or next time you see her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Seven months? That’s a little too soon for a lot of stuff. I realize her “baby clock” is probably ticking loudly but she needs to be around your daughter a lot longer than she has been so far before seriously discussing marriage and more children. A family lifestyle in the city is easy when you have tons of money but it’s another story when you don’t.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think the unilateral decision about housing which basically indicated you weren't anywhere near getting serious is what threw her. 

But that's up to you. Since you two are in that level of commitment you have to make your own decisions. 

Yet housing is usually a 10 year or more commitment.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How exactly is living and working abroad "frivolous and immature"?

What kind of boundaries do you have with your high conflict ex? Do you placate her to avoid the conflict?

Gotta be honest...if your gf was here I'd tell her that you come with too much baggage for her and this relationship isn't a good fit.

Since it's only been 7 months why not put off buying a house for another year to see what happens here? You're asking a lot of someone that you currently see as a good time.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yikes 7 months is waaaaay too soon. I can appreciate you thinking in the future. I do that, too. 

Do what is best for you and your daughter in the here and now. 

Way too soon!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> Thanks, *frusdil*, this is helpful. My ex is also high conflict (as I've written about before here), and I think my GF is wary of that from some of my stories. I'll respond more, below.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ideally, you could table this for now and agree to discuss at the 12 month mark, by which you should both know whether what you have is serious enough to have lasting potential. Ideally, lol. That likely won't work for her though, it wouldn't for me, now that the issue has come up it needs to be addressed. I think you need to either have the discussion now, OR agree to table the issue together, and revisit at 12 months.

You could also go ahead and buy a house now, but tell your gf that your plan is to rent it out and buy another with her when the time comes.

I don't understand her issue living in the burbs, but then I enjoy suburban life. Her desire to live in a boutique neighbourhood is a nice one, but very unrealistic, given there is a child involved here - your daughters life shouldn't have to be uprooted that much - can you imagine being a kid and being dragged out of bed at 6am in Winter, to drive for an hour to get to school? No thanks.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> 1) From a woman's perspective, would you move into a house your BF bought on his own... or is it really that important that it be "a joint endeavor"?
> 
> *Yes, it's really that important that it be a joint endeavor. Many women have made the mistake of moving in only to soon regret it.*
> 
> ...


I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.

As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband and wife. Children are not the priority.

When did "Man and Wife" and "Husband and Wife" turn into "Man and Child"? I'm afraid that after divorce and children out of wedlock became so prevalent in our society, that notion and that saying "my kids come first" was invented mostly by men - men who end up confused and guilty and are no longer certain of their place in their children's lives since they don't live under the same roof. In situations of subsequent romantic settings, they say things like that to falsely and desperately redeem father status because they think they are supposed to and know of no other way how. In nuclear family settings, no such thing is ever considered or uttered. Husbands and wives with children born of their marriage don't tell each other "the kids come before you". It would be ridiculous and is ridiculous in your situation too. How can you think any woman going with you, married to you, sleeping with you, screwing you, helping maintain the home and finances with you, helping raise your daughter with you, etc. would enjoy playing second fiddle to a child? Does she also require your daughter's permission to decorate your house? "Forsaking all others" means something. It means everything and applies to everyone - everyone who is not a party on the marriage certificate. No professional would tell you otherwise. Heck, unprofessional websites don't even support that nonsense. Google it and see for yourself. And, if you are a religious man, you should know better than to think it or say it, ,or expect your wife (or future wife) to twist her life and preferences around your scrotum for your kid's sake.

Because you received the wrong types of responses, I submit you asked your questions on the wrong type of internet community. You need to ask the experts on the subject because nothing you posted is anything new or uncommon to the stepfamily community. The experts on the subject that I refer to are women married to or in relationships with men that have children, men just like yourself. I urge you to head over to Steptalk.org and copy your exact post over there to see what they have to say about living the life with men whose children "come first" that you expect your girlfriend to live. Read down through the years of pages to gain proper perspective because your way of thinking will only create a miserable wife, and, therefore, another divorce. Do you know the divorce rate for second marriages with children from previous relationships? It's dismal, like upwards of 70%, and this is the reason why.

Please also read the book "*Stepmonster*" by Dr. Wednesday Martin

Here's an appropriate teaser from the book:

_"Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely. 

What does putting your marriage first mean in practical terms? No one is suggesting shutting his children out or ignoring them when they’re around. But to succeed, you and your partner must let the kids know that your relationship is airtight, rock solid, and important to you both . . . Knowing the order of things and where they stand in it, experts agree, is enormously reassuring for children."_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

StarFires said:


> I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.
> 
> As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f
> 
> ...


I wholeheartedly agree that spouse comes first, but the OP's significant other is only a gf, not a wife, nor a fiance. They don't even live together. In this situation, he must do what is best for him and his daughter.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.
> 
> As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f
> 
> ...


Completely off base. Why on Earth are you going on about husband and wife?

OP and his _girlfriend_ haven't known each other very long and have not made any life plans or commitments to each other, in fact, conversations about the future have been sparse.

Talk about jumping the gun.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It seems you are being made to choose between your GF and your daughter and this is untenable. Your GF must understand that you have a daughter and it is not all about her and her lifestyle. She seems quite set in her ways. If she loved and respected you, she would understand that. With property prices the way they are and the waste of money that renting is i would go ahead and buy the nice place in the suburbs and continue with the existing arrangement with your GF. This is an investment anyway and you get to do your gardening, etc. 

Based on your GF's reaction there is no guarantee she would even let your daughter come spend much time with you anyhow if you are living together. 
How old is your daughter? Perhaps it is time to put the brakes on the GF relationship, focus on your daughter and yourself, plenty of time when she is grown to focus on relationships. By then you will know better what it is you want out of life.
Does your GF want kids in the future?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.
> 
> As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f
> 
> ...



I would agree with all of what you say if we were actually talking about a spouse. We are NOT. We are talking about a GF who he has been dating for 7 months only. I have had many more long term relationships than this that ended up parting ways in my younger days, this is not the basis for making a decision. He should only be considering his daughter and himself at this point not a woman who he likes, yes, might see himself with but who has had no experience of marriage and really is only worried about her biological clock. The GF doesn't also seem to have any sense of practicality, e.g houses in the city are very expensive, children need space, the bar and cafe scene may be ok in your 20s and 30s but it is not realistic to bring up kids in that, etc. He did mention that she has 'romantic' notions of travelling, etc. I sense that this almost 40 yr old single gal needs a good dose of reality if she is to be part of his life, she really is not marriage material in my view.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

frusdil said:


> I wholeheartedly agree that spouse comes first, but the OP's significant other is only a gf, not a wife, nor a fiance. They don't even live together. In this situation, he must do what is best for him and his daughter.


Frusdil, you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Completely off base. Why on Earth are you going on about husband and wife?
> 
> OP and his _girlfriend_ haven't known each other very long and have not made any life plans or commitments to each other, in fact, conversations about the future have been sparse.
> 
> Talk about jumping the gun.


Nobody talked about jumping the gun and you didn't either. But you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nah, I haven't lost perspective.

This is a girlfriend he hasn't been dating very long.

He wants to buy a house in a location he and his daughter can make a life in. 

He already lives in the suburbs!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

aine said:


> I would agree with all of what you say if we were actually talking about a spouse. We are NOT. We are talking about a GF who he has been dating for 7 months only. I have had many more long term relationships than this that ended up parting ways in my younger days, this is not the basis for making a decision. He should only be considering his daughter and himself at this point not a woman who he likes, yes, might see himself with but who has had no experience of marriage and really is only worried about her biological clock. The GF doesn't also seem to have any sense of practicality, e.g houses in the city are very expensive, children need space, the bar and cafe scene may be ok in your 20s and 30s but it is not realistic to bring up kids in that, etc. He did mention that she has 'romantic' notions of travelling, etc. I sense that this almost 40 yr old single gal needs a good dose of reality if she is to be part of his life, she really is not marriage material in my view.


Aine, it sounds like you got mixed up on several posts that he made and mine.

First, as I already posted,
It appears you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He said he can't even afford to buy one right now (not even in the suburbs). He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.

Secondly,
People live where they please. It's a pretty insane accusation to imply of all people who live in the city have no sense of practicality. Besides, he has given us his arbitrary reasons, all of which could be overcome with both their incomes. His sole reason for not wanting to move to the city is his convenience, much of which could also be overcome if he didn't pick his daughter up during heavy traffic hours. He could easily change that pickup time and could also get more time with his daughter through the court if she were such a priority for him. But no, he wants his future life with his future wife to be all of convenience for him despite her own wishes and preferences. He hasn't had the in-depth discussion with her. He said he needs to.

Thirdly,
Children grow up and survive the city life just fine with or without the space you claim they need, and their parents don't take them to the bars and cafes. Such places are easily avoided since you don't seem to know that.

Lastly,
He did not say she has romantic notions of traveling. He said that SHE called them romantic notions as the reasons she spent her life and built her career traveling and working in other countries. His was not a statement of her present state of mind.

With as much as you misunderstood and misconstrued of his posts and mine and all the conjecture you added, no I don't imagine anyone would appear to be marriage material.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Nah, I haven't lost perspective.
> 
> This is a girlfriend he hasn't been dating very long.
> 
> ...


I'm not going back to find it but if you are interested in understanding that you are mistaken, you can locate for yourself where he said he's not looking to buy a house right now. He also said he can't afford to buy right now (not even in the suburbs). So again, he's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he said in his opening post was that he’s at a point where he‘d like to make a decision to buy a house. And that while he didn’t “need” to buy a house now he would hate to miss out on something worthwhile so he’s been looking at what’s out there. The possible marriage is at some undecided time in the future. Sounds like the house would happen before a possible marriage.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Openminded said:


> What he said in his opening post was that he’s at a point where he‘d like to make a decision to buy a house. And that while he didn’t “need” to buy a house now he would hate to miss out on something worthwhile so he’s been looking at what’s out there. The possible marriage is at some undecided time in the future. Sounds like the house would happen before a possible marriage.


Yes, the house would happen before the possible marriage, but he wants her to be willing to move into it with him at some point and not be angry that he bought one in the suburbs. So, he's considering their future life together, as he said either long term or possible marriage. He also said on page 2 that he can't afford to buy now but hopes his prospects will change soon.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

StarFires said:


> Frusdil, you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.


Nope, no lost perspective here. But thanks.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I'm not going back to find it but if you are interested in understanding that you are mistaken, you can locate for yourself where he said he's not looking to buy a house right now. He also said he can't afford to buy right now (not even in the suburbs). So again, he's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation.


He says next month he'd be in more of a position to buy.

He's thinking how to best to provide a nice life for his child and himself.

That best life might not be compatible with what his girlfriend feels her best life would be, which is in the city near the bars and cafes, and is financially and geographically unrealistic for him as a parent.

That's what dating is for. To figure out compatibility in many many areas of life. 

Some people are incompatible, and while it's sad to let a relationship go, it happens and frees people to find a partner who wants and needs the same lifestyle as themselves.

Your argumentative posting style is a turn off to me, look how many people you have told need to change their perspective or are not seeing it right in this thread already. Reading your posts stresses me out so I'm excited about putting you on ignore so I can continue to visit this forum.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Yes, the house would happen before the possible marriage, but he wants her to be willing to move into it with him at some point and not be angry that he bought one in the suburbs. So, he's considering their future life together, as he said either long term or possible marriage. He also said on page 2 that he can't afford to buy now but hopes his prospects will change soon.


He also suggested that he buy a house in the suburbs and she buy a condo in the city and they continue to live separately. 
Your missing the point that he is not sure about his gf. He doesn’t even love her yet.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> He also suggested that he buy a house in the suburbs and she buy a condo in the city and they continue to live separately.
> Your missing the point that he is not sure about his gf. He doesn’t even love her yet.


Nope, I'm not missing the point because in my post that you quoted, I'm quoting him. He said those things, not me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Nope, I'm not missing the point because in my post that you quoted, I'm quoting him. He said those things, not me.


He also said what I said. Your not seeing the big picture.

He doesn’t even love her yet.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> When I said, maybe that's the solution, I live out here and she lives there, and we see eachother a couple days during the week, and on weekends (which is how often we see eachother now), she got upset and said that would be a dealbreaker for her.
> 
> .


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> 3) I thought living apart could be a reasonable compromise. Reasons for this are we're both more independent & somewhat introverted, set in our ways, and after my last experience, I'm not convinced I ever need to be married again, but am keeping an open mind. Has anybody else managed a sort of "separate but together" housing arrangement?
> 
> .


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> How exactly is living and working abroad "frivolous and immature"?


She made the decision in her early thirties (twice) to go abroad. Each time, it seemed to be out of frustration with an ex, and her job.

Now she's dealing with a ticking biological clock, and regretting the time she spent abroad, and regretting not having saved more money and bought her own place, but still romantices how nice it was living in Europe. 

If she wanted marriage and kids, she should've prioritized that. 

I fully support a woman putting her career first... if that's what she wants. The "Have my cake and eat it too" kinda approach is what concerns me. Is she going to know what she wants, and how it will be when she get it, and be happy with that? Or is she going to keep jumping from thing to thing? I don't know that about her yet. 



lifeistooshort said:


> What kind of boundaries do you have with your high conflict ex? Do you placate her to avoid the conflict?
> 
> Gotta be honest...if your gf was here I'd tell her that you come with too much baggage for her and this relationship isn't a good fit.


Good boundaries. I haven't had a direct interaction with her once since the divorce was finalized, other than communications via email about our daughter's activities. We call eachother every day to let the other say goodnight to our daughter, but hand the phone directly to our daughter, and this is usually a 5 min conversation.

I've arranged to do all pickups and dropoffs either at my XW's house, or I drop off & pickup my daughter from school, so there's no direct contact there either. I text my XW I'm in the driveway, and she opens the door, and my daughter yells "Papa!" and runs to my car. So my XW is not at my house ever, or in my business.

I've also told my GF that in almost two years of living a mile away, I haven't run into XW anywhere out here. There's a major 6 lane road between us, and it really does divide the area up. People rarely walk across it. So there's a physical boundary there. And also the nature of the custody arrangement kind of prevents this... if teh XW has our daughter, she's not going out and doing "adult" things when I am, and vice versa. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Since it's only been 7 months why not put off buying a house for another year to see what happens here? You're asking a lot of someone that you currently see as a good time.


I think you (and others) are right about this, and I'm not actually rushing into anything. 

It was just the nature of the argument we had that got me thinking about what I should or could expect, and wanted a woman's perspective on the situation, or suggestions on how to handle the discussion.

I do like my GF a lot and hope to make things work, so I want to consider her side of the issue, but am also not willing to make decisions that would negatively impact the amount of time I have with my daughter, or stretch me financially into bad investments.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP you seem like you have a good plan for your life with your daughter, and that you are doing a great job co parenting, as well.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds to me like you are really responsible, practical, and like to plan ahead. Your gf sounds more whimsical, live in the moment, and doesn’t plan ahead. 

I think that if you both can appreciate and respect that about each other, you two will really have a great life together. The problem will be of course if you see the other person as “wrong” and think the other person should be living how you live.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> OP you seem like you have a good plan for your life with your daughter, and that you are doing a great job co parenting, as well.


thanks, I like to think so too. 

FWIW, my GF knew I was divorced and had a daughter when we met, and has generally been very good about it. When we agreed the time was right for her to meet my daughter, she read about the best ways to meet your SO's kid and was very good about it. And my daughter seemed to like her right away. 

I have some hangups given her past, as I said above. 

I know staring into "the abyss" of a lifelong commitment, and/or staying in a job you might hate for a while because you have to, and providing stability for kids is scary to a lot of people. Given the way she's dropped everything in her life to move abroad twice before, I am concerned with how she would act if/when we live together... would she grow to be content in this, or would she start to resent the fact that she can't just pack up and take a job in Paris or Milan because of me? I don't know about that for sure yet. But I'm not going to make any decisions yet. If I do feel like I need to buy a place sooner than later, I will pick a time to have a conversation with her about where I'm at and what I hope she can commit to, and what I am willing to compromise or concede on.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> thanks, I like to think so too.
> 
> FWIW, my GF knew I was divorced and had a daughter when we met, and has generally been very good about it. When we agreed the time was right for her to meet my daughter, she read about the best ways to meet your SO's kid and was very good about it. And my daughter seemed to like her right away.
> 
> ...


I also think that if she has her own kids she might become more responsible. Kids change people for sure.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> I do like my GF a lot and hope to make things work, so I want to consider her side of the issue, but am also not willing to make decisions that would negatively impact the amount of time I have with my daughter, or stretch me financially into bad investments.


Wise move.

Re your daughter, if your GF pushes this and you end up in the city, I can see down the track your daughter not wanting to spend much time at your place, simply because of the long days she'll face getting to and from school, and frankly, I wouldn't blame her, that would suck for a kid.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

someone else suggested I update this thread:

we agreed to compromise a bit, and while we'll be living in the city, it's the side of the city nearest my current suburb, and a fairly "suburban" kinda place on its own; we'll have a backyard, a single-family house, etc.

she agreed to get dinner prepared on the nights I pick up my daughter, so when we get home, food is ready & we're not eating dinner at like 8 pm. that's nice. 

It wasn't a completely cordial discussion over time, but gradually got better. I think we're both learning eachother's boundaries and manner of speaking... I can be very blunt and direct, and... also dry & sarcastic sometimes. She is not very direct sometimes, but I'm learning not to assume that means she's trying to be manipulative, instead of just thinking aloud, or talking things through. baby steps...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How are the schools in the new area?

ETA: For potential children as I assume your daughter will remain in her current school?


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## Kendahke (Sep 28, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> We've been together for 7 months.


Way too soon to be talking about buying houses and living together.



> 1) From a woman's perspective, would you move into a house your BF bought on his own... or is it really that important that it be "a joint endeavor"?



I think it depends upon the house, how much room, how close it is to a job if I had to commute (I'm working from home these days so for me, that's not an issue) and if I thought I'd have a better quality of life. I don't think throwing money away every month by renting is a long term solution.

When my daughter was a child, I didn't compromise with anyone about where I lived in proximity to her. While I grew up in the city, I moved out to the burbs because her dad lived out in the burbs and we wanted to make things easy on her with regards to her schedule. We were rare in that we put her needs before our wants and ego.



> 1a) Is there anything I could do to make it more palatable... like let her decorate? Give her joint ownership in a pre-nup if we have kids?


I don't think this is her issue. I think her issue is that this house you want in the burbs is near your child's mother--despite what she's telling you. But no, I wouldn't give her joint ownership in anything until she was your wife and don't have kids until she's your wife.


> 2) Does this situation look like a long term deal breaker?


If she doesn't let go of her intransigence, yes.



> 3) I thought living apart could be a reasonable compromise. Reasons for this are we're both more independent & somewhat introverted, set in our ways, and after my last experience, I'm not convinced I ever need to be married again, but am keeping an open mind. Has anybody else managed a sort of "separate but together" housing arrangement?


Given her attitude, I'd keep separate living arrangements for the foreseeable future--- at least until your daughter has gone to college. 

If living in the city and living the single life is so important to her, then let her go have that single life. You've got a father to a child life and so you have much different considerations than she does, not to mention obligations that come before her.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Kendahke said:


> Way too soon to be talking about buying houses and living together
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


Well, her and I have now been together for about a year... 

Everything I've said so far in this thread has now *gone sideways*, since my XW, without almost any notice, moved as far away as she's able to under the divorce decree. We had a geographic restriction of two counties, and she moved to a very rural area, right at the county line, 30 miles away farther away from where I am, and _WAY _farther away from the city.

I'm talking to an attorney now about what I can do about this, as I might have to go to court to amend the divorce decree if she doesn't agree to compromise and drop our daughter off at my place, instead of me picking her up. 

As if all this isn't enough, my GF got transferred to a new office on the opposite side of our metro area from all this.

I might have to, for at least the next year, just rent a house nearby. I think my offer to my GF would be "_I want to live with you, and I know this isn't your ideal situation, but if you make the sacrifice of the longer drive to work, I'll cover the entire rent myself_"

I think she's more open to living here anyway, since my XW is no longer in the city.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This just went FUBAR!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think living apart is the answer. First of all, she's not likely to enjoy the whole daughter business unless she grew up with a lot of younger siblings. Most childfree people don't like, though they may understand why, men always catering to the kids over them or the ex over them.

Second, you don't want the same things. She's ready to stay single and living in the city. It doesn't sound like she's at all ready to settle down with a family to me. I mean, in what universe is it preferable to live where you have to take public transportation and walk everywhere and try to carry bags of groceries home like that? Does she even cook? How? She may not like suburbs because she's never tried it. But it doesn't matter. Sounds like what she wants and what you want are two completely different lifestyles. 

I've let a guy go because of those type differences before. No way I was going to live in NYC in a closet when I was already in my own ranch home with a backyard and a dog door. And what a waste of money when you could live much better somewhere else. 

There are people you can love but not be able to share a home with for all kinds of reasons. I think the most important thing is you both want the same thing and value the same thing, and you don't. I would say this isn't permanent. If either of you gives up your lifestyle, you will just come to resent it once it's not a honeymoon anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> Well, her and I have now been together for about a year...
> 
> Everything I've said so far in this thread has now *gone sideways*, since my XW, without almost any notice, moved as far away as she's able to under the divorce decree. We had a geographic restriction of two counties, and she moved to a very rural area, right at the county line, 30 miles away farther away from where I am, and _WAY _farther away from the city.
> 
> ...


I googled because each state usually has miles you can move when you share custody, but Nebraska appears to be quite lax and just need a judge's permission under certain guidelines (good reasons) to move out of state, so you may be screwed and end up having to follow her around the next so many years. Ugh. Most places won't let you move them where it's a big long car drive. Don't agree to anything with her! Disagree, take it before the judge and make it be HER who has to do all the driving.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> Well, her and I have now been together for about a year...
> 
> Everything I've said so far in this thread has now *gone sideways*, since my XW, without almost any notice, moved as far away as she's able to under the divorce decree. We had a geographic restriction of two counties, and she moved to a very rural area, right at the county line, 30 miles away farther away from where I am, and _WAY _farther away from the city.
> 
> ...


Don't agree to pay everything! You want a partner willing to invest in the relationship, not just someone taking advantage of you financially.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm a divorced mom. If it were me, I'd be moving as close to my daughter as possible. Sometimes family comes first, and significant others might not work out.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> I might have to, for at least the next year, just rent a house nearby. I think my offer to my GF would be "_I want to live with you, and I know this isn't your ideal situation, but if you make the sacrifice of the longer drive to work, I'll cover the entire rent myself_"


What?! No. That sounds desperate. Stop twisting this into a pretzel trying to make this work.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> What?! No. That sounds desperate. Stop twisting this into a pretzel trying to make this work.


I think you guys are right about this.

Going forward, I'm presenting it (nicely) more as a "take it or leave it" option, eg "Here's what I need to do. I hope you understand." 

I don't really care about the money for rent, honestly. I'd be renting a place that I could easily afford, and I don't have any concerns about her trying to take advantage of me financially. I've seen she's honest and decent on that front. If I told her she didn't have to pay rent, I'm sure she'd insist on paying utilities and groceries then. 

My bigger concern is whether if she decides to move in with me in the suburbs, she fully appreciates the decision she's making, and makes it as a mature adult. I told her she needs to view this as making a decision to join a family or not, but I don't think she's fully grasped that, or - maybe more importantly - made peace with it in a way that won't lead to lingering resentment when she wants to go out at night, or take a trip but I have my daughter that weekend. 

I can understand her reluctance here. I would not like to be in the same position if I was single. Still, she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, and she would never try to come between me and my child and understands I have to take care of my daughter's needs first. 

Compromising on a place didn't work, and I'm not looking forward to trying it again. And with the potential legal fight with the XW coming up, I think in a month I'm just going to make the best decision for my daughter and I, and let my GF figure out what she wants to do for herself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think that’s a very good idea.

Her words may say she‘s fine with joining a family but her actions have often said otherwise. My suggestion is to slow that down. The big issue for her very likely is that she feels her time to have a baby or two is running out and she wants to move that (and you) along quickly. But moving things quickly at this point doesn’t benefit you or your daughter. Taking stock of the situation does.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you are very wise.

(Single) males and females make the decision to join a family and become a family unit all together, all of the time. 

Heck, there is a young woman at work who just got engaged to a man with 3 kids. Where they live, and their day to day lifestyle is determined by the kids. She's excited to be a step mom.

Lots of people do this with a full, happy, excited heart. Your girlfriend isn't presenting that way.


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## Relationadvice (Nov 19, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> Thanks, *frusdil*, this is helpful. My ex is also high conflict (as I've written about before here), and I think my GF is wary of that from some of my stories. I'll respond more, below.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nothing can stop you. Marriage is not hell for everyone and can be a savior for you! People do get married for a good reason


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Aine, it sounds like you got mixed up on several posts that he made and mine.
> 
> First, as I already posted,
> It appears you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He said he can't even afford to buy one right now (not even in the suburbs). He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.
> ...


Thanks but no thanks, that is MY perspective on what he posted, and I haven't lost perspective on anything. What you have posted here is YOUR perspective. Not everyone thinks the way that you do, in case you haven't noticed!


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