# Why does this stuff still hurt so much ?



## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

So, long story short (or shortish !) :

15mths since ILYBNILY talk, hit me like a train.

Had a great lifestyle, stay @ home mum (29) who evidently wasn't happy at all. I'm 34 now, two kids, Boy(7) and Daughter(4)

We were together 9 years and married 2.5. I truly thought she was my soul mate.

New POSOM was on the scene in 3 weeks, her old high school boyfriend and one of my 'friends', they had been split for 2 years before we got together. He moved in after about 2 months and they bought a house together after 6 months (or he bought her one to be more exact). We live 0.5 mile away from each other in a seaside town where everyone knows each other which definitely hasn't helped. 

I divorced her straight away as soon as it all became apparent and financially settled with her a couple of months ago. 

In the last 15 mths Ive had times where I thought I was over it and times where I thought I will never recover. 

Have had quite a few dates over the year but my heart just isn't in it, have let my work down badly (I work for myself in the financial markets) and have been drinking heavily @ the weekends when I don't have the children. 

Have the children either 2 or 3 times a week, have been on 2 holidays with them on our own (sun and ski) and definitely have a very strong bond with both. I am Daddy, he is T**. My daughter 'loves him', my son is more dubious.


HERE'S THE KICKER - 

I guess I still might think this is all a bad nightmare and will turn out well in the end, my life is honestly in ruins, I'm holding myself together by a string. I feel angry at myself that i'm in this place still after 15 months and haven't moved forward. Do I still love her often comes up, I even blo*** dream about her !

So the kids and them have just come back from a two week holiday so I had them today which should have been good, instead I'm now sitting here dwelling in my own thoughts, my son came out with two things casually today. 

1: Me and T** now go out jogging together, we made it all the way to the park by your house and back.

2: Mummy and T** announced they are engaged on holiday. 

I can't tell you how worthless I feel as a person and the overwhelming feeling I have to just sell what I've got and move somewhere where I can start again with a fresh slate or just simply go and stick my head in the pool and be done with it all.

How on earth can you trust another human being. 

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE ANY WORDS FROM ANYONE WHO'S HAD A SIMILAR THING HAPPEN TO THEM, I KNOW THERE ARE MANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THESE SITUATIONS

SURELY IT HAS TO GET BETTER ? I FEEL LIKE I JUST GET CONTINUALLY HIT ROUND THE HEAD WITH A BAT. ALL THE BULL**** OF TIMES A GREAT HEALER ETC JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO BE THE CASE WITH ME.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My divorce will be one year later this month, and I too still have days where it feels like it happened yesterday. I am doing much better than I was, but I still backslide. My ex already remarried the POS he divorced me for, and I wish rotten things on them daily, trust me. 

It does get better, it really does. Everyone has their own timeline to heal from something like this. Find things to do for yourself...take up an old hobby or find a new one, go to the gym and work out. Occupy yourself. Oh, and stop drinking heavily on those weekends, that isnt healthy for you mentally or physically.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh it gets better my friend. It was difficult at first for sure, but as time went on, it just got easier and easier. I know it sounds cliche, and overly simple, but you really do need o try and find things to take your mind off of her and the situation.

My ex still hasn't married the OM yet, though I should get on the phone with him and try to get him to hurry it up. I want to stop paying alimony


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Hey there! Definitely don't throw in the towel. You are worth much more than your ex makes you feel. It's hard, but place your value in being a great dad and definitely do some things that make you happy and feel better about yourself. I would say take the time to develop some close friendships and strengthen ties with supportive family as well. Doing those things has already helped me, I don't think I could have come this far without support from my family and a church group I'm a part of now.

Best of luck! You got this ~


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It is so hard but it gets better! I think counseling helps immensely. 
Learning about the grieving process helps too. People grieve in different ways in different times. 

I think 15 months really isn't that long. 

You do need to rebuild yourself and your life. Find things that are just for you that you can do when you don't have the kids.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Lookingforward: Your post made me tear up. I feel the same way as you. I don't want to be with him - he's damaged our relationship beyond repair. But I am sad and angry this happened to me. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me.

I don't know when it gets better. Everyone tells me I will get over it and I'll meet someone worthy of me, etc. But yes it hurts every day - the terrible things he did to me and then him flaunting his pregnant OW in my face, and to everyone we know. Its humiliating beyond description.

What I do know for sure is there is no going back to him. Ever. I just have to believe in what everyone tells me: it gets better and one day you'll meet someone new.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

I like a few hobbies that include very large doses of andrenaline. Makes me feel alive and instills confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks all for your comments, it is much appreciated.

WTF2012 - That is something I am concentrating on now. I have tried different things, this year I took up sailing but just didn't find it exciting enough so last week I bought a Zapcat (RIB with engine) for a bit of adrenaline as without 'exciting' stuff to do I invariably end up in a bar with all the other lost souls getting drunk trying to relive my youth. 

I read some of your other posts and that this is your 3rd time and that you mention each time you have been in love. Compared to my other friends who have split with their wives and then work there way through barmaids etc I'm very cautious. I've had dates but generally only one or two before feeling there isn't enough of a spark to carry on. 

My ex wife was my best friends sister and to be honest I always felt something special for her the second I met her, we didn't get together for years after that and I really thought she was my soul mate. We had one major issue, her partying and this stayed with us till the end of the relationship. In fact the argument where I got the 'talk' was when she rolled in @ 7am after being out all night.

I find it so hard to comprehend feeling the same volume of love for another person, yet everyone says you will, and the other common theme is 'you'll look back and be so happy that all this happened'

Did you go through these thoughts then 'fall in love' to a higher or the same degree again ?

Thanks


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Oh it gets better my friend. It was difficult at first for sure, but as time went on, it just got easier and easier. I know it sounds cliche, and overly simple, but you really do need o try and find things to take your mind off of her and the situation.
> 
> My ex still hasn't married the OM yet, though I should get on the phone with him and try to get him to hurry it up. I want to stop paying alimony


:rofl::rofl::rofl: So true AND funny


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Lookingforward said:


> Thanks all for your comments, it is much appreciated.
> 
> WTF2012 - That is something I am concentrating on now. I have tried different things, this year I took up sailing but just didn't find it exciting enough so last week I bought a Zapcat (RIB with engine) for a bit of adrenaline as without 'exciting' stuff to do I invariably end up in a bar with all the other lost souls getting drunk trying to relive my youth.
> 
> ...


Hey, man, we might feel the same way about our marriages. Honestly, I am totally devastated by the dissoultion of my marriage. I don't want any of this. My wife was my very best friend and I truly believed with every fiber of my being that we were meant to be together - forever. In all honesty, I don't believe it's possible for me to love someone like that again. I don't know that I can. The trust is gone, not only for her, but for everyone. I figure, if someone I loved that much can let me down, how am I supposed to trust anyone else? My God, I knew my wife for 15 years and was married to her for 9 and a half.

I feel like I am living in an alternate reality where my life falls apart, but I am able to cope because I feel maybe I'll wake up and everything will be right again. It's not going to happen for me though. My wife has totally turned on me. A week before she left me, we started planning our 10th anniversary 'second honeymoon', planned our financial future with a financial advisor and she told me straight out "I feel like we are getting stronger every day, I want to be with you forever" - this was two days before she left!

Look, I don't want to get you even more down. The reality is that we cannot change another person. We MUST learn how to get on with our lives without the wives we loved so much. It's hard, but there is hope... there has to be. As of now, I have not even thought about dating yet since it is not finalized, but I have been served so I know how she feels about me - she treats me like an enemy every single day and I have no idea what I did to deserve that kind of treatment. But I think that is the problem. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything. So much so, that I am failing to see that in her current state, there is no way she could ever be good for me. She's poison. Even though I still treat her with respect and kindness, she squashes my self-esteem every time by being very cold and callous. 

Please know you are not alone. I say that because I know how this feels and I know how easy it is to think "no one can truly understand how I feel because no one can comprehend just how much I loved her/him." I get it. I have volumes of cards, emails, texts, and gifts from her that signify nothing but love and adoration for me. And my gosh, I love (still) her so much there is not a thing in this world I wouldn't do for her. I was VERY good to her. I had absolutely NO forewarning about what was coming. She cheated on me, moved out taking our son with and slapped me with divorce papers in just a couple of short months, after years of wedded bliss (or so I thought).

You will make it. There are so many people here that have been where we are and see that there is life after this. It will get better. You clearly cared very much for her and you do about your children as well. Be the best damn father you can be. Your kids will always look up to you as their dad, and nothing the OM does can replace that. You can make the memories with your kids that they will talk about when they are with your ex. And one day, you may find someone that makes you wonder why you ever doubted things in the first place. Give it time. I'm guessing it will take you being okay with where you are at, and who you are as an individual before that happens. And when it does, you will be blindsided.

Seriously, if you need someone to talk to about any or all of this - I would be happy to. It's strangely comforting to know there is someone else who can relate and that you can bounce different things off of - sorry for the overly long post


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

very well put Clawed. I feel the same as you guys sometimes, not near as often as I used to. I am almost 3 years away from dday now. It does get better. I doubt I will ever have the same kind of relationship I had with my ex. Maybe that is a good thing seeing how that ended.
All relationships are different, that does not mean they will be better or worse, just different. The thing that pains me the most is I will never really have the family I dreamed of. I can have a blended family, but my dreams of my kids growing up in a traditional family with both mom and dad are dead.
As much as I love my wife and wish we could just go back, I know that is impossible. I still miss her, but the person I miss is long gone. The reality is we have both changed and there has been to much damage done for us to ever go back even if we wanted. That leaves me no choice but to look to the future and be the best me I can be. Most importantly I must be the best father I can be.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> Thanks all for your comments, it is much appreciated.
> 
> WTF2012 - That is something I am concentrating on now. I have tried different things, this year I took up sailing but just didn't find it exciting enough so last week I bought a Zapcat (RIB with engine) for a bit of adrenaline as without 'exciting' stuff to do I invariably end up in a bar with all the other lost souls getting drunk trying to relive my youth.
> 
> ...


What I have discovered in life is everything has a shade of gray. My pending divorce has opened my eyes to a much scarier reality than safe old black and right. That being said...

My other two loves both broke my heart, but i was young. Probably didn't learn my lesson with either one. My STBXW is making sure i learn it this go around. The 2nd love left me for my best friend, so I know that kind of pain. One thing I did learn is the the heart is much stronger than it feels. It will heal itself, and there is always the possibility of a deeper, yet different kind of love. It will take time. Also all 3 relationships were way different.

I will be honest many of my current fears revolve around the ability of finding love again with so many complications of divorce with kids. Also my STBXW has strong BPD traits and is gorgeous, so I don't know if I will ever experience the same heights of emotion that I did during the love bombing phase. But it doesn't really matter in the long run. I have lost everyone women I have loved, but more importantly I have only lost myself once. That sucked the worst.

I let myself go too much into the marriage. I quit doing my hobbies to make her life better. I quit being me to make it easier to live with her. She did the same. 

Coming out the back side of this, I have rediscovered who I am. I love that person. I am working on getting him back in a new improved version. Of course I have baggage and damage, and I will never be young again. But I have been working hard on myself. Now I am stoked about my future without her. She really did hold me back from alot of things I would like to accomplish.

Bottom line is you to need to get back to a version of you that you love. If you have never had a version that you love, think one up and make it happen. Some good books that can help with this are the MMSLP and No More Mr. Nice Guy. At 33, I am recently back to doing my main outdoor hobby at a very high level (showing the 20 year olds a thing or two), this dangerous thing I do keeps me sane. Even though it very well could take my life someday, it has given me more life than any relationship ever could. I live for physically intense experiences, and I think trying some of that kind of stuff may help you.

As for casual sex, it ain't my thing. I could if i wanted, and I have tried it but it is just weird to me. Don't let the fact you aren't getting laid effect the self esteem. I struggle with it, but I find it makes my relationships that much more meaningful to me. My STBXW was (probably is) way more liberal with casual sex, and I have seen first hand where that got us (especially her). 

Bottom line get out and live as much as you can. You live seaside, have you tried surfing? Go jump out of a plane or something. Do something crazy. Get a mission. Make a long term plan to do something way cool. It will help you, and I always found that having a mission is very attractive to women. 

I know I will probably find love again, but it will take time. I am okay if I don't because I love being me. Right now, I am not going to stress over it because I have so many other things to worry about. I am just going to concentrate on my kids, my hobbies, myself, and traveling, and it's going to be a blast. Even if I get sad occasionally, i know it will pass. i would be worried about not being sad and lonely occasionally after going through this experience.

Finally, how do you trust again? You just do, but this time you have the knowledge that people can change. The person who you thought would never hurt you did, but that doesn't mean everyone will. It also doesn't change what you had. You could have that again if you allow yourself. I find that focusing on not letting it hurt me so bad is better in the long run than doing everything I can to avoid the pain. With my new reality, I know I will probably never marry again. The fact is most people are f#cked #p. People are selfish a$$holes sometimes (even me and you), that doesn't mean you stop living your life. Life hurts sometimes, it wouldn't be joyous without pain. you now have the knowledge that sh!t happens to everyone sometime. So don't be naive, but also don't be jaded, bitter, and emotionless. Life sucks sometimes, life is awesome sometimes. Sorry I wish i had more for you.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Okay, now I'm really curious wtf2012, what is your main outdoor hobby?


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Clawed - Funny enough my wife said to a friend just two weeks before the 'talk' how much she loved me and couldn't be without me. The weekend we split up we completed on a house purchase (I'm writing to you from the bloody house now !). Completed Friday, she went out all night Saturday and we split up on the Sunday, buying the house with the deposit etc (in the UK you need 25% minimum at the moment) put me (us?) under loads of financial pressure to say the least. She was out with our friends on the Sat and I since found out the POSOM was with them all, bit younger than me, good looking, easy going (no kids or stress bachelor), a good earner and her 1st love, in hindsight maybe I should have seen it coming but I honestly didn't think he'd want her, 12 years older than when they went out and with MY children. All our group of friends were shocked to say the least ! Life is stranger than fiction that's for sure. 

Truth is I split with her several times @ the start of the relationship due to her going out and its my fault I didn't follow through as she has gone back to that lifestyle when she doesn't have the kids. She's very bitter at the bond I have with them and I'm a thorn in their new blended family. 

What Muskrat said couldn't hit the nail more on the head for me, when we had children and then got married that was it for me, we were a family through good and bad no matter what. I NEVER cheated on her while all my friends went to ***** houses and played about. I was far to dedicated and she had too easier (boring) life. She hadn't worked since 23 and full time mummy was tiresome I guess, there wasn't enough excitement.

We were also far too co-dependent and generally did everything together. The 'family' dream pains me massively, the majority of women I meet have kid(s) and they will soon have children I'm sure. We had it all 2 kids, one boy (older), one girl and a yellow Labrador, it just seemed meant to be, its a real shattered dream for me that that has gone. One of my good friends literally started crying when I told him we'd split, he couldn't understand it all as in his eyes we had everything you could ever want.

My lifestyle before we got together was very much going out and getting drunk as opposed to hobbies and I fell into the same rut since we split, only this time I'm 10 years older and the scene is very much changed. Alcohol is so destructive for me, I tend to binge drink which leads to the inevitable hangover and then feel lack of motivation for work (or life) for days after, not to mention the cost. 

You see so many people out searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle. (I will add I'm not alcohol dependent and never drink during the week !)

Constructive hobbies are definitely the way forward, wtf2012 kite-surfing is pretty big round here and I've been meaning to get some lessons in that. I would say that the only version of me I have ever loved was in the last few years prior to the marriage ending, I started to do very well financially (something that has always been a fear to me), I was a devoted father and husband and a good one at that, not perfect. 

So I very much have to find a new version, the person I was before was a lost guy out drinking trying to have fun (much like her, like meets like).

I have a big strength test over the next week as it happens, tonight I am out 'wetting the babys head' for a friend, do you do that in the US ? Also in the town I live it is Broadstairs Folk Week 2013 - Home basically a one week piss up for about 20000 people, 1000 like folk music and 19000 like drinking too much. Last year I was out drunk every night, to be fair to me there are some good bands and the atmosphere is very good. I had the children last night and tonight I'm going to go to the meal and go out afterwards but not drink any alcohol. That truly for me is unheard of. Its then Ramsgate Week - ROYAL TEMPLE YACHT CLUB from Monday and I'm out yacht racing 3 days. Again the intention is not to drink over both festivals, it will be a massive personal achievement for me if I do it and prove that I don't need alcohol to have fun. 

Sorry for the long messages, I'm so glad that I started posting again on here, its remarkably therapeutic to speak to others going through the same as you. I've tried counselling and have been so close to anti ds on several occasions but each time pulled my head back.

Enjoy your weekend all, going to take the dog out now with the kids to the park, its the small things in life !

WTF - whats your hobby ?!


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Lookinforward, some cold advice. If you haven't done it already, get laid. Even if you think you don't want to. Even if it means getting into a wreck of a rebound relationship that you know is disposable from the start and which you can cut off when it gets too weird. Far better to be wrapped up in a whole DIFFERENT series of emotional/relationship problems than to keep experiencing the same pain over and over again. You can find solace in another broken heart and even if it doesn't last, it can get you through. Life is too short. Lower your inhibitions and do whatever you need to do to enjoy it.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

I'm not sure how 'getting laid' will help but sex for the sake of sex is meaningless and the enjoyment of it fleetingly momentary. Do it right and it will be infinitely more fulfilling. Moving on also means taking responsibility for your attitudes, emotions and actions, learning from your past mistakes. All the best in this.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Weathered said:


> I'm not sure how 'getting laid' will help but sex for the sake of sex is meaningless and the enjoyment of it fleetingly momentary. Do it right and it will be infinitely more fulfilling. Moving on also means taking responsibility for your attitudes, emotions and actions, learning from your past mistakes. All the best in this.


It helps because it is the start of getting ones reproductive biochemistry out of synch with the ex-spouses reproductive biochemistry and whether one want the feelings or not, it fosters an emotional connection with a person of the opposite sex that is NOT the ex. Nothing wrong with meaningless sex and enjoying the moment. After all, all we have is the moment. Everything else is just a version of. 

Some things make you hurt so bad you want to die. There is no need to suffer like that. Aka it is ok to be a tramp for awhile if being a tramp gets a person through and as long as they can grow out of that.


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