# Your opinion



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

I need your opinion - here's my story
I thought I had the perfect life. My husband and i have been together for 12 years- married for 8. He was/is the love of my life I had all the trust in the world when it came to our relationship I would tell anyone i trusted him without a doubt. We had rough times but nothing that I didn't think we could survive - just regular stuff - a house bills a child. In early 2011 we moved into our dream home and were expecting our second baby boy. Being pregnant is difficult on me both physically and mentally (self esteem wise). I'm normally 120 pounds and when pregnant - I get big - really big - which makes me feel EXTREMELY unattractive. So our sex life came to a stop. 
Once our son was born I had a feeling he was cheating. When I expressed my concern with friends and family - everyone would tell me was I crazy - that he loved me with all of his heart and he would be the last person in the world to cheat. But I couldn't shake the feeling. I started to watch closely and would see things that made me uncomfortable but had no proof. He would always talk about this girl at work - his employee- but would reassure me she was just a friend. I didn't like it. I showed up one day at his work with our new son and finally put a face to this person - she was attractive. I even mentioned that to him and he blew it off. One day the two of them went on course together and she drove - that was the piece I needed. He never let anyone drive - so why her. That night he swore to God nothing was going on. I started to go thru cell phone bills and found a number of calls to her. I was destroyed. When I confronted him about them he said it was all work related however all calls were deleted from his cell. That night he told me he had feelings for her but nothing happened. I was devasted- I spent the whole night crying. The next morning he got ready to go to work- I begged him not to go as we needed to work things out but he insisted he had to go. He came home an hour later and told me he had an affair. 
My world ended. My older son was at school and my 10 week old baby was sleeping on the next room. This was the beginning of the worst time in my life. It's been 9 months since that day and he has lied about every detail imaginable. From the number of times to the locations to who knew to how he felt about her. The story keeps on changing - it never stats the same. I've now become obsessed with finding out the truth. I've checked everywhere I can and cannot find any proof that he has an contact with her since then. He has been more of a husband and father than he ever has. 
He claims he loves me and has been trying to move mountains to show me EXCLUDING giving me the truth. He says that he's trying to hold onto me and is terrified that I'll leave him. He also claims that he has told me the truth now. 

My question is.... Should I continue searching for the truth or let the past be the past?? I'm so hurt that I can't believe in him. And a question to the cheaters.... Can u drop ur lover that quickly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Boy when there are young children involved..it just pains me. That is so selfish of him. 

Does this person still work with him?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Are they still working together?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, one of them needs to quit their job. Otherwise, they are seeing each other every day. 

Your gut has been right even when everyone was telling you otherwise, so it's probably right still. If you feel the truth isn't out there, say, "So if we had a polygraph test done, you'd be confident you'd pass?"

I don't like the polygraph thing, but using it as a threat might work. I've heard stories of spouses lining up this test and then on the way there, the wayward spouse spills the truth.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, one of them needs to quit their job. Otherwise, they are seeing each other every day.
> 
> Your gut has been right even when everyone was telling you otherwise, so it's probably right still. If you feel the truth isn't out there, say, "So if we had a polygraph test done, you'd be confident you'd pass?"
> 
> I don't like the polygraph thing, but using it as a threat might work. I've heard stories of spouses lining up this test and then on the way there, the wayward spouse spills the truth.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

It sounds like this is really killing you. With such a small one at home and what othewise appears as remorse on the part of your husband, I guess I would tell him (maybe write it?) that you do love him and can see the efforts he is making to make things right. BUt for you, you need to have the whole truth. It doesn't matter what it is, you are committed to work on your marriage. The only thing that can derail your resolve to try and reconcile is continued deceit. You have determined that he hasn't been entirely honest and until he is, your mind will not be at peace.

Ask him to write out a timeline of his affair, detailing it ALL! Give him a deadline. If he doesn't comply maybe it is time to move on.....

I am so sorry for you. It isn't easy with a little ones in the mix.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

They don't work together any longer. That's why he went in that day. To tell her he was telling me and to request a transfer. He took a 2 week leave until the transfer happened. As for the lie detector test he refuses to take one. He said he's not a criminal and refuses. As for the letter - he's written them and it continual changes. Every letter has new details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Ask him to write out a timeline of his affair, detailing it ALL! Give him a deadline. If he doesn't comply maybe it is time to move on.....


I like this idea. That way the story won't keep changing. Give him like 2 days to get it straight and write it down. Tell him you can't move on otherwise. Because it looks like you can't.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

He won't write it again - he said he's done going thru the past. If I can't believe him than leave. He said the past is the past. He made the biggest mistake of his life and refuses to re-live. He tells me to focus on the positive and our future. He said no good can come from going over the details. Nothing changes. If it happen 10 times or 11 it doesn't matter. What matters is he knows what he did was wrong and that he'll never let it happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

cattiva said:


> He won't write it again - he said he's done going thru the past. If I can't believe him than leave. He said the past is the past. He made the biggest mistake of his life and refuses to re-live. He tells me to focus on the positive and our future. He said no good can come from going over the details. Nothing changes. If it happen 10 times or 11 it doesn't matter. What matters is he knows what he did was wrong and that he'll never let it happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to let him know that as long as that's his stance you cannot get over this betrayal. He's setting himself up as the victim in all of this when he should be bending over backwards for you. You can demand this for yourself or you can let him rug sweep. The choice is yours.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

cattiva said:


> He won't write it again - he said he's done going thru the past. If I can't believe him than leave. He said the past is the past. He made the biggest mistake of his life and refuses to re-live. He tells me to focus on the positive and our future. He said no good can come from going over the details. Nothing changes. If it happen 10 times or 11 it doesn't matter. What matters is he knows what he did was wrong and that he'll never let it happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, so now what? You know his position. It's not going to change. Your move.

He sounds a little like my wife, but more extreme.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> You need to let him know that as long as that's his stance you cannot get over this betrayal. He's setting himself up as the victim in all of this when he should be bending over backwards for you. You can demand this for yourself or you can let him rug sweep. The choice is yours.


Cattiva i agree with the above post. 

Your spouse is rug sweeping. 

He needs to tell you the truth, otherwise your imagination will manufacture much worse. 

There are books about how a cheater can help the BS heal, get them at the library and ask him to read them.

Withholding details will prevent you from healing whether or not you stay or divorce.

He owes it to you to be honest now after so much lying and deception.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Gosh I am so sorry we are both going through this. My husband is sick and tired of the questions i keep asking him about his awful affair. He has been nothing but great since i discovered the secret phone...worst day os my life. But he never wants to talk about the affair by jusy saying i am the one he loves, and he know knows how much and how awful he was. Well, I cant get out of my head calling the number and hereing some 25 year old say whad up baby? come on...and the texts from hewr constatnt calls and really not too much from his side , except the obvious drunk sex. Why do we need all details are we wrong or right...help


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

cattiva said:


> They don't work together any longer. That's why he went in that day. To tell her he was telling me and to request a transfer. He took a 2 week leave until the transfer happened. As for the lie detector test he refuses to take one. He said he's not a criminal and refuses. As for the letter - he's written them and it continual changes. Every letter has new details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he is trickle truthing you from what you have said, I would suggest MC as a place to start If he refuses then you might want to decide your options is him having an affair a marriage killer for ya ? or can you work through those issues ?? these are decisions you need to make if you feel you could work thru it then tell him if he wants to be marriaed to you then these are the requirements and list them.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He said he's not a criminal and refuses.


Bullsh*t... He refuses because he is lying his ass off and he knows it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yeah I think he is full of BS. Tell him lie detector now or D tomorrow. I am sorry you are going through this. Hang tough. Have you been to the DR to get checked for STD's. I know I always go there guys but cheaters most often do not use protection. She is a Mom and needs to take care of herself


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I can't let the past be the past. I am still seeking answers and until my wife gives me them I can't move forward. She is of the opinion that I am moving on. Actually, I am just in a holding pattern. So it is up to you as to what you need.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Bullsh*t... He refuses because he is lying his ass off and he knows it.


This.

If you can, leave. You don't deserve this treatment and never think that you're a broken woman. He's a fantastic liar. That in and of itself would make me so nervous to stay in the relationship. You will spend the rest of your existence looking over his shoulder and questioning your own sanity.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You determine what is needed, not him. Whatever you say is what it is. He has to earn his way back. You don't have to explain or be reasonable, he has to comply.

I think he doesn't yet believe you will D him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Ive gone to counselling and they have told me to stop asking for details - that the details will only hurt me more than give me any closure. That I can't live me life looking backwards - the example was drive forward looking backwards .... How far do u think you'll get? When they say that - I do understand what they say however then my mind starts to think and go crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

cattiva said:


> Ive gone to counselling and they have told me to stop asking for details - that the details will only hurt me more than give me any closure. That I can't live me life looking backwards - the example was drive forward looking backwards .... How far do u think you'll get? When they say that - I do understand what they say however then my mind starts to think and go crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pure unadulterated bullchit. First, find a new counselor. You can't escape the past when you don't know what the past is. What was the level of betrayal? You need to know details so you can know if you should stay or move on. Not knowing is going to gnaw at you. Boxing it up and "putting it in the past" is all well and fine for HIM, but does YOU and the MARRIAGE little good if you're going to not be able to get past it. 

Second, your H is full of bullchit as well. This "I'm not a criminal" thing is a lame smokescreen. There IS more, and it is evident by his ever changing story. The truth is not hard to remember....lies are. That's why his story is changing. He can either understand you need the entire truth if there's a chance to save the marriage, or that you'll just leave the marriage. He needs to understand that while you MAY NOT leave the marriage given full details and truth, that you WILL most certainly end it if you do not get that.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

To those who have been thru this and been successful after - did you need to know all the details? Or is it better to stop asking bc it just causes more pain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apple28 (Aug 27, 2012)

Wow well my husband cheated on me bout 9 months ago and his baby from that drunken night is due here soon...I feel the pain because he refuses to tell me the details, he claims to be drunk and blacked out we're together and working threw it however I still crave the details of how long it was going on before that nite and how often they talk now. I think he owes it to you to tell you the truth of what happened, hes the one who messed up not you and if you need to hear the truth to move on with him then he should respect your feelings enough to tell you the truth. I hope it works for you.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

And, this may not be his first "rodeo". He might be in tremendous fear of a polygraph because he fears it could uncover further affairs. Seeing how he hasn't told you the truth about this one, I'd check to see if there were others.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Pure unadulterated bullchit. First, find a new counselor. You can't escape the past when you don't know what the past is. What was the level of betrayal? You need to know details so you can know if you should stay or move on. Not knowing is going to gnaw at you. Boxing it up and "putting it in the past" is all well and fine for HIM, but does YOU and the MARRIAGE little good if you're going to not be able to get past it.
> 
> Second, your H is full of bullchit as well. This "I'm not a criminal" thing is a lame smokescreen. There IS more, and it is evident by his ever changing story. The truth is not hard to remember....lies are. That's why his story is changing. He can either understand you need the entire truth if there's a chance to save the marriage, or that you'll just leave the marriage. He needs to understand that while you MAY NOT leave the marriage given full details and truth, that you WILL most certainly end it if you do not get that.


It's hard to know this. I wish I was worth the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cattiva said:


> They don't work together any longer. That's why he went in that day. To tell her he was telling me and to request a transfer. He took a 2 week leave until the transfer happened. As for the lie detector test he refuses to take one. He said he's not a criminal and refuses. As for the letter - he's written them and it continual changes. Every letter has new details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your husband is wrong. Criminals do not take lie detector tests. Innocent people take lie detector tests. Well, innocent until proven guilty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cattiva said:


> It's hard to know this. I wish I was worth the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are worth the truth.

It's just that your husband is not worthy of giving you the truth.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

cattiva said:


> Ive gone to counselling and they have told me to stop asking for details - that the details will only hurt me more than give me any closure. That I can't live me life looking backwards - *the example was drive forward looking backwards .... How far do u think you'll get*? When they say that - I do understand what they say however then my mind starts to think and go crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That may be fine advice for driving an automobile, but not for getting over an affair. The two are not the same.

When a counselor compares getting over an affair to driving a car, drop the counselor.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

***shakes head****

Geez, there are so many incompetent MCs out there that don't know how to deal with affairs.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cattiva said:


> To those who have been thru this and been successful after - did you need to know all the details? Or is it better to stop asking bc it just causes more pain?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The details hurt, no doubt about that. But there are people like me, that need to know what they are forgiving.

In other words, how can you recover when you don't know what you're recovering from? You need full disclosure from him.

*FULL DISCLOSURE OR NO R*.


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