# He doesn't make sense



## lonelywifey49 (Oct 23, 2017)

My husband told me in July that he wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted some space. After almost a month of this discussion which had also ended up leading to arguments, I said he should go and I'll take care of everything at home, but he said he didn't have anywhere to go. In order to save our marriage I decided to let him stay and I would go. I ended up at my father's house for 3 months. After the first month, my husband claimed he wanted a divorce and immediately called after saying that tot my face that he regretted his decision. We started going out on dates and things were great! Until we had one fight. One fight brought us down a downward spiral and my husband pulled away, again. After another 6 weeks, he told me he wanted out of our marriage and he was convicted about this. Now that his head was clear, I decided it was time for me to move back home since I was uncomfortable at my dad's house and missed our dogs, my house, my town, and every sense of normalcy. He threw a fit and since I have been home we have slept in separate bedrooms. He called me the most selfish person in the world, a *****, a ****, told me I beat him into submission, that he doesn't want me, that I am inserting myself into his life etc. 

When he wanted to be nice, he would be nice and we would have a great conversation. When he was pissed there would be zero conversation. Last weekend he was nice and we actually spent a little while in the same room which led to us laughing and joking around. This led to sex. I fist pumped him afterwards so there was no emotional attachment and he kept trying to talk to me afterwards. We agreed we shouldn't do that again. It was the end of discussion ad joked around for the next two days. He played a song by Garth Brooks "How I am" and stated it was a song about him.This week, he asked to use my car and I said no. I was again called a "****" and he stormed out of the house proclaiming he wasn't coming home that night. My simple response was "OK". The next day, he asked why I wasn't talking much to him and I said it must be because I am such a ****. He apologized for what he said admitted he was acting like a child and that he was sorry. I simply responded with OK. Since then my answers have been OK, yes, no, sure, no problem etc. I don't ask questions about his life and I don't share information about mine. tonight, he told me I am being passive aggressive. When I told him I have nothing to say to him he freaked out and said he wants me to be myself. I responded by saying I am myself, but he just doesn't get the overly nice side anymore because that was when I really cared about him. He said "You don't care about me now?" and I said, "Not like I use to". He became upset and left the house. 

I don't understand why someone who wants a divorce so badly is upset that I am not asking anything about his life, asking him to do anything, and would be upset that I am not really talking to him. Can someone help me make sense of this situation?


----------



## PiaMia (Nov 19, 2017)

It sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. There's a book called "I hate you, don't leave me." Maybe consider reading it. It's very insightful.


----------



## lonelywifey49 (Oct 23, 2017)

Thank you! I feel like he has bi-polar. He has been grappling with the loss of his mother (she died when he was 7) and is finally dealing with those emotions. However, he switches moods in split seconds. He also has a drinking problem and I am finding alcohol hidden all over the house. I'm sure that doesn't help. 

We have been married for almost 7 years and have been together for 12. These behaviors are recent and erratic. The man I married never would have talked to me as he recently has and it makes me confused that he wants a divorce so definitively but calls me, texts me, tells me where he is going, and even spoke about a future vacation recently..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's not happy with himself and is taking it out on you. Want's his own freedom but wants you to be there only when he wants you around... wants you to pine for him. His behavior is not really all that unusual. 

The way you are interacting with him right now is the right way to handle him at this point. 

Why can't he move out? Does he have a job? Surely he could rent a small place and get all the freedom that he ever wanted.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

lonelywifey49 said:


> Thank you! I feel like he has bi-polar. He has been grappling with the loss of his mother (she died when he was 7) and is finally dealing with those emotions. However, he switches moods in split seconds. He also has a drinking problem and I am finding alcohol hidden all over the house. I'm sure that doesn't help.
> 
> We have been married for almost 7 years and have been together for 12. These behaviors are recent and erratic. The man I married never would have talked to me as he recently has and it makes me confused that he wants a divorce so definitively but calls me, texts me, tells me where he is going, and even spoke about a future vacation recently..


Have you ever just attempted to ignore him? I mean totally.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

What is the longest time you've ever gone without responding to anything? Messages, phone calls, texts, FB, etc.?


----------



## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

OP, what led up to your husband telling you he was unhappy in the marriage and asking for space in July? Were there any specific problems between you two that led up to that? Or did it just hit you like lightning out of a blue sky?

Regarding the possibility of borderline personality disorder (I'm not an expert on bipolar), does he have an exaggerated fear of abandonment? Did he or does he accuse you of cheating or wanting to cheat on him?


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Ghost Rider said:


> OP, what led up to your husband telling you he was unhappy in the marriage and asking for space in July? Were there any specific problems between you two that led up to that? Or did it just hit you like lightning out of a blue sky?
> 
> Regarding the possibility of borderline personality disorder (I'm not an expert on bipolar), does he have an exaggerated fear of abandonment? Did he or does he accuse you of cheating or wanting to cheat on him?


What was his childhood like?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP...my opinion, you file and get on with your life. Don't waste any more time of your life, because life's too short to be wasted on a failed relationship. What are you hoping to gain by continuing with this status quo?


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> OP...my opinion, you file and get on with your life. Don't waste any more time of your life, because life's too short to be wasted on a failed relationship. What are you hoping to gain by continuing with this status quo?


She may need to learn something about herself.

NEVER a waste of time.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@ReturntoZero: she can do that on her on, while building herself a new future.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> @ReturntoZero: she can do that on her on, while building herself a new future.


Ah, but there's no rush.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

You mentioned that he has only recently demonstrated this antagonistic behavior. Was there a trigger that happened to cause him to behave this way towards you? 

I think your husband is not demonstrating emotional maturity. Calling you names when he doesn’t get his way is mean in my opinion. And he should not act that way. He appears to have a lack of emotional intelligence. 

Focus on you, don’t put your energy on him. Work on trying to change yourself and detach. If you’re trying to win him back it seems you’ll be dragged into this yo-yoing situation. You should both sit down and work on an agreement as to what’s next for your relationship. Throwing sex and jokes and friendly banter into the mix confuses things. If he is set on a divorce you should begin to detach. You can’t change him unfortunately.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

lonelywifey49 said:


> My husband told me in July that he wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted some space. After almost a month of this discussion which had also ended up leading to arguments, I said he should go and I'll take care of everything at home, but he said he didn't have anywhere to go. In order to save our marriage I decided to let him stay and I would go. I ended up at my father's house for 3 months. After the first month, my husband claimed he wanted a divorce and immediately called after saying that tot my face that he regretted his decision. We started going out on dates and things were great! Until we had one fight. One fight brought us down a downward spiral and my husband pulled away, again. After another 6 weeks, he told me he wanted out of our marriage and he was convicted about this. Now that his head was clear, I decided it was time for me to move back home since I was uncomfortable at my dad's house and missed our dogs, my house, my town, and every sense of normalcy. He threw a fit and since I have been home we have slept in separate bedrooms. He called me the most selfish person in the world, a *****, a ****, told me I beat him into submission, that he doesn't want me, that I am inserting myself into his life etc.
> 
> When he wanted to be nice, he would be nice and we would have a great conversation. When he was pissed there would be zero conversation. Last weekend he was nice and we actually spent a little while in the same room which led to us laughing and joking around. This led to sex. I fist pumped him afterwards so there was no emotional attachment and he kept trying to talk to me afterwards. We agreed we shouldn't do that again. It was the end of discussion ad joked around for the next two days. He played a song by Garth Brooks "How I am" and stated it was a song about him.This week, he asked to use my car and I said no. I was again called a "****" and he stormed out of the house proclaiming he wasn't coming home that night. My simple response was "OK". The next day, he asked why I wasn't talking much to him and I said it must be because I am such a ****. He apologized for what he said admitted he was acting like a child and that he was sorry. I simply responded with OK. Since then my answers have been OK, yes, no, sure, no problem etc. I don't ask questions about his life and I don't share information about mine. tonight, he told me I am being passive aggressive. When I told him I have nothing to say to him he freaked out and said he wants me to be myself. I responded by saying I am myself, but he just doesn't get the overly nice side anymore because that was when I really cared about him. He said "You don't care about me now?" and I said, "Not like I use to". He became upset and left the house.
> 
> I don't understand why someone who wants a divorce so badly is upset that I am not asking anything about his life, asking him to do anything, and would be upset that I am not really talking to him. Can someone help me make sense of this situation?


I understand where he's coming from.

In your posting, there's no evidence that you share your thoughts and feelings with him - your entire posting is about his behavior and you emphasize that you don't ask questions...but you can say yes or no, which is the definition of passive/aggressive.

So, I think he's going through exactly what I did with my ex. After years of not really knowing her internal motivations, her value system, her feelings, I decided I wanted out so I could find someone who knows how to connect. And yet, during the D process, I continued to hold out hope that she might finally see that remaining quiet about her inner feelings was damaging and solvable, so I did keep up asking her "how do you feel about this?" and getting her replies that told me, incorrectly, what I felt. Hope lasts forever, even when you know it'll never be satisfied.


----------

