# How tight are your boundaries post-A? (for all to answer)



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hi all

A question in the interests of research... How tight are your boundaries post-A (and this can be for both BS and WS....)

Me and my husband were discussing a boundary we both have which we brought up in counselling last year after his EA: about physical contact with members of the opposite sex bering unacceptable.

Straightforward initially. However it seems where each of us draws the line differs. I am of the mind that ANY physical contact pretty much beyond a handshake is crossing my line. He is more laid back about it.

In my mind, anything whatsoever that could be construed as either a come-on or a green light is out. I'm not really open for debate on the nuances of what is okay because nothing really is.

He thinks I am being waaaaaay too unrealistic.

He brought up some examples which I will share...

First. He is at work. A female customer thanks him when he has finished working on her house by kissing him on the cheek. My feelings? Fine as long as it stays like that. He thinks it is crazy that he could not reciprocate in a purely friendly manner - ie he is concerned about looking rude.

Next. We are out for drinks in town and he is waiting to be served at the bar. A drunk woman comes over to wait next to him and drunkenly puts her arm round him asking him if he's having a good night. He puts his arm round her in good spirits and says yes. My feelings? What she does is no fault of his. However the "arm round her"... No way. Could be a possible green light depending on her intentions. He thinks a friendly "arm round her" response is harmless.

Last... He has a female friend he has known for ages. She is very tactile and greets him and other close friends with a close hug and kisses. He used to respond in kind. He asks what should he respond with if he can't hug her? He is concerned again about looking rude. Oh and they also got together one time a while before we got together (just kissing.) I knew her beforehand as well and she is a lovely girl, very attractive and VERY flirty with all our guy friends. My feelings? It is not up to me to tell him how to handle that situation or what to say. But I would not be happy now with him having that kind of physical contact with her. He thinks I am being unfair.

I have been mulling over this and considering if indeed my boundaries ARE too tight. My concerns are that his EA began with a series of small little steps over the line and from his reactions over this conversation I worry he truly does not understand how easy it is for nothing to slowly develop into something once you tell yourself that each little step is "okay"...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as much I think the advice from the shrink population here can be a bit too wishy washy, this was actually an excellent post by Riverside MFT

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

This isn't something I have actually discussed with my H post-PA but I am definitely with you here tobio!! 

My husband has always been very flirtatious. Heck, that is why I ended up getting to know him in the first place, and there have been times over the years where even his playful banter with other women has made me jealous.

Now.... I think it would be intolerable. 

As for physical contact.... I realize in some ways it is unavoidable, I won't be rushing out to encourage him.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Why would it ever be ok for a female co-worker to kiss a co-worker, especially a married co-worker, on the xheek or any other place. That is totally inappropriate. And he shouldn't put his arm around a strange drunk woman in a bar. He also should absolutely never hug and kiss an old friend he made out with in the past.
I do hug and kiss very good male friends that I see but I also hug and kiss their wives when we are all together. You're boundaries are spot on. You're h's are way off.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I don't think that your boundaries are out of line at all. My long-distance EA was found out by my wife last year and I have been extra careful about my physical boundaries with any woman who is not my wife. I hug and cheek-kiss female friends that I've known for years, but anything else is out: no prolonged touches of hands or other parts of the body and a certain amount of physical distance from them. 

I will admit that I like the idea of some women being flirtatiious with me, but in reality, I don't dare invite any kind of physical contact beyond a quick handshake if I'm being introduced to someone. Anything beyond that would not be ok. 

Your husband doesn't seem to understand that his boundaries need to be stronger in order for you two to have a better marriage and for you to feel safe within it and actually get to trust him again. He is probably feeling like you are trying to control him when he needs to see that his actions are potentially inviting more trouble down the line.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> First. He is at work. A female customer thanks him when he has finished working on her house by kissing him on the cheek. My feelings? Fine as long as it stays like that. He thinks it is crazy that he could not reciprocate in a purely friendly manner - ie he is concerned about looking rude.


Actually I think she is out of line kissing him at all, but he should not be hugging her or kissing her in a any way. Seriously? GMFB

This is especially important since he had an EA.

Do you kiss your dentist after he works on your teeth?

Do you kiss yopur personal trainer goodbye?

Do you kiss the cab driver who got you home?

Do you kiss the delivery man? The plumber ?



> Next. We are out for drinks in town and he is waiting to be served at the bar. A drunk woman comes over to wait next to him and drunkenly puts her arm round him asking him if he's having a good night. He puts his arm round her in good spirits and says yes. My feelings? What she does is no fault of his. However the "arm round her"... No way. Could be a possible green light depending on her intentions. He thinks a friendly "arm round her" response is harmless.


When this happens to me I have both hands on my drink and do not reciprocate. If it goes on too long in a subtle way I change things up, either by getting up and noving or by moving her arm / hands to the table.



> Last... He has a female friend he has known for ages. She is very tactile and greets him and other close friends with a close hug and kisses. He used to respond in kind. He asks what should he respond with if he can't hug her? He is concerned again about looking rude. Oh and they also got together one time a while before we got together (just kissing.) I knew her beforehand as well and she is a lovely girl, very attractive and VERY flirty with all our guy friends. My feelings? It is not up to me to tell him how to handle that situation or what to say. But I would not be happy now with him having that kind of physical contact with her. He thinks I am being unfair.


I do a military hug. This actually exists. A hug is to last only a very short defined time and only if you are greeting him after some big event like coming back for being deployed. I half gest here. A qucik brotherly hug at most no kissing back if she hits you with one.


I especially take issue with the female customer kissing him for working on her house. This looks bad. So they are alone inside the home long enough for her to want to kiss him goodbye?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He works at people's houses mostly and tbh it's not generally females on their own. Usually older couples who are at home all day. There are exceptions of course. The girl he got involved with was staff at a medical centre he was working at - and he rarely works alone so the "on his own" thing goes to show things can happen with people around anyway.

I trust he is more aware now. He made a sarky comment about rebuffing anyone who goes in for a friendly hug/kiss by stepping back and saying, "sorry, I can't hug you because of [what happened]." 

At the end of the day I am at a place now where I step back and see my boundaries are for me. I explain them so. He does think I am saying no, you can't do x/y/z but doesn't quite get that what I am saying is they are MY boundaries, his are up to him. It is his decision how to respond, obviously knowing what I will tolerate. I am not going to be made to feel guilty for what HE did or have the blame shifted to me in situations like I outlined. If he ever did that I would be thinking twice about how remorseful he truly is. I think his issue is with if he looks rude or impolite rebuffing such gestures; I see that as HIS issue to handle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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