# Stay in marriage with mismatched sex drives?



## Blissedmama22 (4 mo ago)

I am a F, 46 and have been with my husband since I was 19. Our mismatched sex drives have been an issue for years. We have gone to counseling, etc. and he has seen a doc. Talking about it seems to make it worse and now he struggles with ED so spontaneous intimacy is out the window. I am at a total loss. He makes me feel selfish that I am not okay with 1x a week, even though I have tried to explain to him that physically I need and want much more. I feel like 20 years of my life passed by with me waiting for a good intimate life with him, and I am losing all connection and considering divorce. But a part of me feels like this is a silly thing to get divorced over, we are great friends and have kids but there is no spark/passion anymore. I recently lost weight thinking that would help but its the same situation, have not felt desired in a long time and feel stuck. Anyone work their way out of this type of situation?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not to yank the rug out from under your feet but this place is covered in sexless marriage stories and the successful turn around rate is EXTREMELY small. The turn around rate for a man to become sexual again is ….. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of one that was successful.

Based on what I’ve seen…. You are 100% completely screwed… and not in a good way.

Edit: My wife is 47 and more sexually active now than any other time in her life so I can only imagine your pain.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is he a porn user?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, there is (_almost_) never a fix for this issue, whether the sex-adverse person is male or female. So, divorce is the best answer, and at least provides hope that you will do far better in a new relationship. It worked for me.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Blissedmama22 said:


> We have gone to counseling, etc. and he has seen a doc.


What happened in the counseling? How many sessions did you go for?


Blissedmama22 said:


> Our mismatched sex drives have been an issue for years.


Was there ever a time when it was better?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Blissedmama22 said:


> I am a F, 46 and have been with my husband since I was 19. Our mismatched sex drives have been an issue for years. We have gone to counseling, etc. and he has seen a doc. Talking about it seems to make it worse and now he struggles with ED so spontaneous intimacy is out the window. I am at a total loss. He makes me feel selfish that I am not okay with 1x a week, even though I have tried to explain to him that physically I need and want much more. I feel like 20 years of my life passed by with me waiting for a good intimate life with him, and I am losing all connection and considering divorce. But a part of me feels like this is a silly thing to get divorced over, we are great friends and have kids but there is no spark/passion anymore. I recently lost weight thinking that would help but its the same situation, have not felt desired in a long time and feel stuck. Anyone work their way out of this type of situation?


Others have said it is unlikely to change. The best you could do is get him eating very healthy with zero processed food or sugar (and that is zero not mostly zero, fully zero) and get him exercising regularly and pump him full of testosterone 200-300mgs per week. If that won't awaken the beast nothing will. 

The testosterone take 3-4 weeks to start working.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You are in your 40's and you have sex with your husband once a week? That is a far cry from a sexless marriage and is in fact the norm for a married couple your age. How Often Do Couples in Their 40's Make Love? (2021 Stats) As others have stated here, the odds of him suddenly wanting more and more sex are pretty slim. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information. Personally, I'd be content with a spouse that is basically average, especially if the rest of the marriage is going well enough.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Not to yank the rug out from under your feet but this place is covered in sexless marriage stories and the successful turn around rate is EXTREMELY small. The turn around rate for a man to become sexual again is ….. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of one that was successful.
> 
> Based on what I’ve seen…. You are 100% completely screwed… and not in a good way.
> 
> Edit: My wife is 47 and more sexually active now than any other time in her life so I can only imagine your pain.


I agree.
These threads have many posts regarding sexually frustrated married partners and I have no idea how to resolve these problems.
Seems to be many long and suffering marrieds out there trapped in celebrate marriages and not by choice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old is he? Is he overweight? How's diet? Does it take any meds that could contribute to his ED?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> You are in your 40's and you have sex with your husband once a week? That is a far cry from a sexless marriage and is in fact the norm for a married couple your age. How Often Do Couples in Their 40's Make Love? (2021 Stats) As others have stated here, the odds of him suddenly wanting more and more sex are pretty slim. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information. Personally, I'd be content with a spouse that is basically average, especially if the rest of the marriage is going well enough.


Covid cabin fever had everyone going like rabbits. Three new sex shops in addition to the ones we already have popped up since Covid arrived where I live and the shelves are pretty empty! I’m not sure a study from 2021 is a good representation.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blissedmama22 said:


> I am a F, 46 and have been with my husband since I was 19. Our mismatched sex drives have been an issue for years. We have gone to counseling, etc. and he has seen a doc. Talking about it seems to make it worse and now he struggles with ED so spontaneous intimacy is out the window. I am at a total loss. He makes me feel selfish that I am not okay with 1x a week, even though I have tried to explain to him that physically I need and want much more. I feel like 20 years of my life passed by with me waiting for a good intimate life with him, and I am losing all connection and considering divorce. But a part of me feels like this is a silly thing to get divorced over, we are great friends and have kids but there is no spark/passion anymore. I recently lost weight thinking that would help but its the same situation, have not felt desired in a long time and feel stuck. Anyone work their way out of this type of situation?


Open marriages have been a solution for others in the past. But in order to do that 1) You need to not be worried about sexual exclusivity. Some people can manage that or naturally fall under that category. Most do not and can not. 2) This has to be the only real problem in the marriage. Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is never a fix for a shaky marriage. You need to have a good foundation and good communication for it to work. Even those who are inclined towards ENM naturally will fail in their relationships if they do not learn good communications and build a solid foundation with each of their partners. For that matter, lack of those two things will undermine a monogamous marriage/relationship as well.

The first key here is whether you can separate out sex from the love you have for your husband that makes it a marriage and not living together with legal paperwork. If you can't, then you have to decide whether that lack of sex is worth it. And it is a valid legitimate factor when it comes to a marriage. Sex is as much of a need as many other things in our lives. It's not on the top tier of needs, since physical living is not affected by it as it is by a lack of food, oxygen or water, but it's still up there in needs, like third tier. Assuming that you have those other two tiers of needs met, then failing to meet that third tier means that you might end up undermining the marriage. Depending upon the strength of the need, failing to meet it can lead to resentment and depression. The question then becomes whether the marriage ends up more a need than the sex or do you devolve into a marriage on paper only?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> How old is he? Is he overweight? How's diet? Does it take any meds that could contribute to his ED?


Good questions. That the husband should have addressed and worked already. He hasn’t and isn’t likely to.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Enigma32 said:


> You are in your 40's and you have sex with your husband once a week? That is a far cry from a sexless marriage and is in fact the norm for a married couple your age. How Often Do Couples in Their 40's Make Love? (2021 Stats) As others have stated here, the odds of him suddenly wanting more and more sex are pretty slim. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information. Personally, I'd be content with a spouse that is basically average, especially if the rest of the marriage is going well enough.


But he can't get it up...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It's not much consolation, but you're approaching the age at which many women go through The Great Decline. If you were to start having a great sex life now, if you're like most women, it would be just a matter of time before YOU would lose interest. The moral of the story is, if you're going to do anything about it, do it soon.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I hear ya, my ex was a one and done 5 minute ride and then fell asleep. I found it very frustrating and unfulfilling. As I grew older my desire increased....it is rumored that our desire declines but in reality some women's desire escalates and I was one of them. I never cheated but I was plagued with sex dreams. I knew that I wanted a wonderful sex life with a loving man and I knew I was not going to find this with my husband. I did not leave just because of sex issues, there was alot more going on. Divorced 6 years ago and my sex life has never been better.....I turn 60 in a few months.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> You are in your 40's and you have sex with your husband once a week? That is a far cry from a sexless marriage and is in fact the norm for a married couple your age. How Often Do Couples in Their 40's Make Love? (2021 Stats) As others have stated here, the odds of him suddenly wanting more and more sex are pretty slim. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information. Personally, I'd be content with a spouse that is basically average, especially if the rest of the marriage is going well enough.


Whatever "normal" is for other married couples is absolutely irrelevant for people who fall outside of that range on either end, so I'm not sure why anyone ever uses that standard as some kind of justification for why someone is being unreasonable with their own personal sexual needs.

Telling a once-a-day person that their sexual feelings are wrong because a fraction of a percent of other people aren't like them is just as helpful as telling a once-a-month person that they need to quadruple their sexual output for the same reason. I know the purpose of citing these kinds of studies is to help frustrated couples avoid resenting their partners...but it just doesn't work. NO ONE CARES what other people need or want....they care about what makes them feel happy, connected, and loved. 

The problem with sexual needs not being met is NOT an issue of statistics...it's an issue of FEELING LOVED AND CARED ABOUT. That's why it's so integral to the happiness of the relationship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> You are in your 40's and you have sex with your husband once a week? That is a far cry from a sexless marriage and is in fact the norm for a married couple your age. How Often Do Couples in Their 40's Make Love? (2021 Stats) As others have stated here, the odds of him suddenly wanting more and more sex are pretty slim. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information. Personally, I'd be content with a spouse that is basically average, especially if the rest of the marriage is going well enough.


That is a sad situation for that to be considered normal. Once a week, I would be a bear to live with.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Whatever "normal" is for other married couples is absolutely irrelevant for people who fall outside of that range on either end, so I'm not sure why anyone ever uses that standard as some kind of justification for why someone is being unreasonable with their own personal sexual needs.
> 
> Telling a once-a-day person that their sexual feelings are wrong because a fraction of a percent of other people aren't like them is just as helpful as telling a once-a-month person that they need to quadruple their sexual output for the same reason. I know the purpose of citing these kinds of studies is to help frustrated couples avoid resenting their partners...but it just doesn't work. NO ONE CARES what other people need or want....they care about what makes them feel happy, connected, and loved.
> 
> The problem with sexual needs not being met is NOT an issue of statistics...it's an issue of FEELING LOVED AND CARED ABOUT. That's why it's so integral to the happiness of the relationship.


I won't say whether you are right or wrong, but let's apply the same logic to some other scenarios. Should a wife leave her husband because his income is only average and she wants more? Should a man leave his wife because her weight becomes above average and he needs a more fit woman to feel loved and cared about?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Whatever "normal" is for other married couples is absolutely irrelevant for people who fall outside of that range on either end, so I'm not sure why anyone ever uses that standard as some kind of justification for why someone is being unreasonable with their own personal sexual needs.


Yes, these "averages" are trotted out regularly as being "normal". It is irrelevant. Everyone has a right to want what they want.

Humans widely vary in nearly every respect including their sexuality.


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## Tawny Somers (Oct 31, 2008)

If you've got kids you should stay with him.
Get a dildo.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> I won't say whether you are right or wrong, but let's apply the same logic to some other scenarios. Should a wife leave her husband because his income is only average and she wants more? Should a man leave his wife because her weight becomes above average and he needs a more fit woman to feel loved and cared about?


A proper comparison would be, should a woman leave her hubby if he only spoke to her once a week.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> A proper comparison would be, should a woman leave her hubby if he only spoke to her once a week.


Sure. And on the other end of that spectrum imagine you're married to someone that never shuts TF up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> Sure. And on the other end of that spectrum imagine you're married to someone that never shuts TF up.


But you could not say you were starved for attention or ignored. Just driven insane😂


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blissedmama22 said:


> . I feel like 20 years of my life passed by with me waiting for a good intimate life with him, and I am losing all connection and considering divorce. But a part of me feels like this is a silly thing to get divorced over, we are great friends and have kids but there is no spark/passion anymore.


If you feel like 20 years of your life has passed you by, then it is not a silly thing to get divorced over. 

We may wish that sexuality was not such a life-affirming and important thing in our lives...... but it often is. For many people it is an integral part of our being and just as important as anything else, denying that aspect of ourselves does not make it go away or any less so. 

So here is a question to ponder, if you are good friends and he is a decent parent and good human being - would moving on with your own life and finding someone who does desire you and want to be with you intimately,, would that make your husband a bad parent and make him abandon or abuse or neglect the children? 

Is there any reason that you finding intimacy elsewhere make it so that your children would not have two loving and supportive parents in their lives? 

There may not be two biological parents under the same roof? But would either of you abandon, abuse or neglect them if you were to move on to someone else?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry but I think you work on compromises on this like other issues. Can he move to 3-4 times in 2 weeks. I'm sure you feel funny asking, but a lot of guys are in the same situation. Roles can be reversed, read than in 25% of marriages the wife earns more.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I’m in a similar situation as the OP. We’ve tried compromising on frequency and usually it only lasts a week at most. We try compromising on what is and isn’t allowed and again it goes back to the status quo. Sex in my marriage is only what my wife is willing to do and unfortunately my needs aren’t being met no matter what she says because at the end of the day it’s only what she’s willing to give which is starfish missionary with foreplay being directed at her and maybe once every two weeks if I’m lucky. I know what I need to do but with 20 plus years and having kids it’s complicated. 

I wish you the best of luck but I don’t see this getting any better based on my experience.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> I won't say whether you are right or wrong, but let's apply the same logic to some other scenarios. Should a wife leave her husband because his income is only average and she wants more? Should a man leave his wife because her weight becomes above average and he needs a more fit woman to feel loved and cared about?


You are applying your logic to the wrong type of situations...especially since the low drive people would NEVER allow a reverse comparison to money or weight. And you know there is a completely different dynamic for feeling loved and cared about when it comes to sexual attention than making money or losing weight...you are just trying to argue with me.

Still, my answer to your questions would always be...YES, IF THEY CANNOT ACCEPT THEIR SITUATION.

However, a more apt comparison to the point I was making would be...telling someone that they have to like brussel sprouts just because 65% of adults like them. Will that work and make eating brussel sprouts more acceptable and palatable for them?? NO WAY. 

THAT was the point I was making -- what other people want and can live with MEANS NOTHING to most people, especially when it comes to sex. 

I'm curious...have you ever told low drive partners who only want sex every 2 weeks that they need to give their spouses more sex, because that study shows they are not behaving like "average" people? I don't think I've ever read you post anything like that. YOUR drive is for weekly sex (you've said), so that study fits what YOU enjoy and want...and that is why you posted it.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> You are applying your logic to the wrong type of situations...especially since the low drive people would NEVER allow a reverse comparison to money or weight. And you know there is a completely different dynamic for feeling loved and cared about when it comes to sexual attention than making money or losing weight...you are just trying to argue with me.





> Not just trying to argue, just stating my opinion on the subject which happens to be contrary. No surprise there. I still like you.
> 
> Still, my answer to your questions would always be...YES, IF THEY CANNOT ACCEPT THEIR SITUATION.
> 
> ...


And my point is this. If you marry someone, do you pay attention to the vows you're giving? The whole "for richer or poorer, sickness and in health" stuff gets thrown out the window because you want sex more than the average person in your demographic. At least, that seems to be the general consensus here, which is kinda sad to me. Sex drive is a mostly physiological thing. If you want it 7 times a day and someone else wants it 7 times a month, neither of you is likely to change unless your physiology changes. It's not a matter of the lower drive partner walking away from the relationship or stepping out. I'd also like to point out that it's just yet another trait in a partner that people are demanding be above average. A lot of people demand a partner of above average income, height, fitness levels, sex drive, etc. I just hope those people understand what they are doing to their odds.



> I'm curious...have you ever told low drive partners who only want sex every 2 weeks that they need to give their spouses more sex, because that study shows they are not behaving like "average" people? I don't think I've ever read you post anything like that. YOUR drive is for weekly sex (you've said), so that study fits what YOU enjoy and want...and that is why you posted it.


I would, yes. I would suggest that they try to compromise. I have posted about men who have low drive and ED who need to get meds for the ED or low testosterone to fix their problem with low sex drive, because once it drops below a certain level, you know it's a physiological problem that needs to be addressed. 

I am CONTENT with 1x a week but that will depend on various other circumstances too. I also do not post much here that has to do with me personally. It doesn't matter what I think and feel. I do think that people who have a sex drive that is well outside the norm need to realize that while there is nothing "wrong" with them, there is nothing wrong with their partner either. When someone is sexual a normal amount for their demographic and their partner demands they triple that, it seems to me their partner is being unreasonable. 

I know if you ask every guy here 40+ years old they are a stud that has sex 37x a day and all that but I'll be honest and admit I have been the low drive partner in a relationship before, which is why I think I have some perspective to offer here. I feel like there is some serious shade being thrown at people who have a sex drive that seems to be average. If you personally want to have sex 7x a week, what do you do when you encounter the partner that wants to have sex 28x a week? I'm not talking at the beginning stages when everyone bangs like rabbits but years into the relationship and they still basically demand sex 4x a day. Some people might wanna pretend that would be heaven for them but when you are working 10 hours a day and you have to wake up early enough to have sex before you leave, sometimes leave work for sex during your shift, and do it a couple times before you go to bed, it becomes a lot. Why not make it 50 times a week even? At what point does the frequency become a problem? Is it always the issue of the lower drive partner to keep up?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> And my point is this. If you marry someone, do you pay attention to the vows you're giving? The whole "for richer or poorer, sickness and in health" stuff gets thrown out the window because you want sex more than the average person in your demographic. At least, that seems to be the general consensus here, which is kinda sad to me. Sex drive is a mostly physiological thing. If you want it 7 times a day and someone else wants it 7 times a month, neither of you is likely to change unless your physiology changes. It's not a matter of the lower drive partner walking away from the relationship or stepping out. I'd also like to point out that it's just yet another trait in a partner that people are demanding be above average. A lot of people demand a partner of above average income, height, fitness levels, sex drive, etc. I just hope those people understand what they are doing to their odds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Averages don't work for sex because of the wide variety of different numbers here. For example, if someone wants sex one a week and another wants it 7 times a week, the average is 3 but that average is not representative. You need to find what the mean is (where the largest percentage of people land). Hence, I don't like using the "average" when it comes to people and having sex. 

You mention people throwing serious shade towards those that have a normal sex drive. I don't see that. I do see high drive people finally fighting back and throwing shade towards low drive people. Absolutely. I certainly will jump on that bandwagon. Why? Because I'm tired of being guilted and shamed for saying that I need sex to be in a relationship. In fact, I need A LOT of sex in order to feel loved. Instead, I am told that I coerce women into having sex and treat them like a piece of meat. So yeah, I have NO PROBLEM throwing shade towards a low sex drive person. 

Is there something wrong with me or the low drive person? Nope. That's just how we were made.

But there is a big difference between low drive and high drive people. 

Low drive people pull the bait and switch which drives me insane.

"for richer or poorer, sickness and in health" - Yep. I'm all for this if I'm not being lied to. 

I do not accept the "But that's new relationship energy" argument. Nope. I won't accept it. Not a chance. My new relationship energy NEVER ENDS. If my partner can't keep up, then she needs to tell me that up front so that I don't waste time. She needs to tell me that she is low drive and just enjoys new relationship energy. No harm. No foul. I can accept the fact that not everyone is like me and that is OK! I just don't like being lied to. 



Enigma32 said:


> I know if you ask every guy here 40+ years old they are a stud that has sex 37x a day and all that but I'll be honest and admit I have been the low drive partner in a relationship before, which is why I think I have some perspective to offer here. I feel like there is some serious shade being thrown at people who have a sex drive that seems to be average. If you personally want to have sex 7x a week, what do you do when you encounter the partner that wants to have sex 28x a week? I'm not talking at the beginning stages when everyone bangs like rabbits but years into the relationship and they still basically demand sex 4x a day. Some people might wanna pretend that would be heaven for them but when you are working 10 hours a day and you have to wake up early enough to have sex before you leave, sometimes leave work for sex during your shift, and do it a couple times before you go to bed, it becomes a lot. Why not make it 50 times a week even? At what point does the frequency become a problem? Is it always the issue of the lower drive partner to keep up?


This is an exaggeration. While I do agree that far too many men here boast about their sex drive, I'm not seeing anyone say they want it 37x a day or 28x a week. 

If that were the case, that would indeed put me as the low drive partner. New relationship energy will have me at twice a day and sometimes 3 times a day. When that wanes, I'll be at once a day. Yes, there are some here that will beat their chest and say they can do more forever, but that's bullsh1t most likely. 

Regardless, my thoughts on the matter still stay the same. If for some reason I come across a woman that has a higher drive than me, I will be letting her know up front how I feel. I will let her know what my new relationship energy drive is and what my long term drive is. Still high regardless - but if for some odd reason hers is higher, then she at least knows what is up. There won't be a "gotcha!" 2 years down the road.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Averages don't work for sex because of the wide variety of different numbers here. For example, if someone wants sex one a week and another wants it 7 times a week, the average is 3 but that average is not representative.


Exactly!!!! The distribution curve is essential to characterize what is going on. Which I have never found. The research studies like the Kinsey report are just surveys distilled to averages.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> *I do not accept the "But that's new relationship energy" argument. Nope. I won't accept it. Not a chance. My new relationship energy NEVER ENDS*. If my partner can't keep up, then she needs to tell me that up front so that I don't waste time. She needs to tell me that she is low drive and just enjoys new relationship energy. No harm. No foul. I can accept the fact that not everyone is like me and that is OK! I just don't like being lied to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You contradict yourself. You accuse others of bait and switch if the sex slows down then admit you do the same thing yourself, right after you insisted that you do not do this. 

Also, the scenario I gave wasn't an exaggeration, it was my reality. I had an ex that wanted to have sex almost constantly and tried to shame me for not wanting or being able to keep up. 4 years in and she still wanted sex several times a day, every day. Being outside the house did not matter because she would insist we have sex when we were out in public too. She would call me when I was at work and beg me to take a break to pick her up. I had to have sex with her before I left, when I came home, sometimes on my work breaks, etc.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> had an ex that wanted to have sex almost constantly and tried to shame me for not wanting or being able to keep up.


So you were traumatized by a hypersexual woman. Understandable your stance has swung over to championing the once per week average and belief that anything more is abnormal (37 times a day?!? Lol)


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> So you were traumatized by a hypersexual woman. Understandable your stance has swung over to championing the once per week average and belief that anything more is abnormal (37 times a day?!? Lol)


Not traumatized, just given perspective. I don't champion anyone, I just think some people need to hear other perspectives, especially if they do not like what they're hearing. 

The 37 times a day thing was just for perspective. In reality, I think we were at around 10x a day or so, which slacked off to 2x a day later on. 

I admit, I've never struggled with a low drive female partner. Never had issues finding women willing and happy to have sex with me, so it does me some good to hear the perspectives of people who have had the opposite experiences I've had.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Where in the hell do you live that you don't run Into low drive women?! I'll fly out there if I have to.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Where in the hell do you live that you don't run Into low drive women?! I'll fly out there if I have to.


I've legit never dated one, and I'm pretty experienced. It might just be the type of woman I attract or something, I don't know. I live near the beach in Maryland.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Never had issues finding women willing and happy to have sex with me, so it does me some good to hear the perspectives of people who have had the opposite experiences I've had.


So you have been blessed. You have no difficulty with this aspect of life, so of course aren't particularly sympathetic or empathetic with men married to women who aren't sexually attracted to them. Wouldn't it be helpful to advise how they can achieve your results with their wives? Tell them what the secrets are to marital sexual bliss?

I seem to recall reading that anything more often than ten times a year is NOT a dead bedroom ( by some unknown "authority"). So if some poor sap is getting laid once in a month with duty and/or starfish he just needs to suck it up and quit byching about it. His wife just isn't into him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> You contradict yourself. You accuse others of bait and switch if the sex slows down then admit you do the same thing yourself, right after you insisted that you do not do this.
> 
> Also, the scenario I gave wasn't an exaggeration, it was my reality. I had an ex that wanted to have sex almost constantly and tried to shame me for not wanting or being able to keep up. 4 years in and she still wanted sex several times a day, every day. Being outside the house did not matter because she would insist we have sex when we were out in public too. She would call me when I was at work and beg me to take a break to pick her up. I had to have sex with her before I left, when I came home, sometimes on my work breaks, etc.


Daammmnnnn Gina! I think I was with her red headed nympho sister when I was 23 and she 34. She almost killed me! Who would have thought a 23 yr old male would dread having sex ....again....and again...etc...etc. I was like Bear on Armageddon...Can I just get a hug!😢


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Where in the hell do you live that you don't run Into low drive women?! I'll fly out there if I have to.


I am not clear if @Enigma32 is married. Regarding dating, isn't that just a whole different thing? I mean a "low drive" female ( or male for that matter ), isn't going to generate much interest in someone dating them. The LD single women are probably keeping cats and ignoring men. I would think EVERYONE dating is "High Drive" at least in their advertising and interactions with the opposite sex.

Or, maybe @Enigma32 is a one percent male, so no difficulties ever with that aspect of life. Blessed.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> So you have been blessed. You have no difficulty with this aspect of life, so of course aren't particularly sympathetic or empathetic with men married to women who aren't sexually attracted to them. Wouldn't it be helpful to advise how they can achieve your results with their wives? Tell them what the secrets are to marital sexual bliss?


Don't nag about sex for one. That's the top thing I see men doing to women and it's NOT attractive to them. It annoys me just hearing about it 2nd hand, I can't imagine having to live with it.



> I seem to recall reading that anything more often than ten times a year is NOT a dead bedroom ( by some unknown "authority"). So if some poor sap is getting laid once in a month with duty and/or starfish he just needs to suck it up and quit byching about it. His wife just isn't into him.


Maybe she isn't into him, that's a thing. Maybe she just isn't so good at sex and starfish is all she knows, that is also a thing. Maybe she doesn't particularly enjoy sex with him because he sucks at it. Maybe she just has a lower drive based on her own needs. It could be any or all of those things.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Daammmnnnn Gina! I think I was with her red headed nympho sister when I was 23 and she 34. She almost killed me! Who would have thought a 23 yr old male would dread having sex ....again....and again...etc...etc. I was like Beat on Armageddon...Can I just get a hug!😢


It's crazy, right? I bet some of the guys here would like to think it's some kinda heaven but it's not 🤣 The girl I was with at the time would stay naked all the time at home and literally beg me to "just put it in for a minute." I was in my mid 20s at the time and I legit can feel tired just thinking back on it. I've heard from her a few times over the years and she never did get married.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I am not clear if @Enigma32 is married. Regarding dating, isn't that just a whole different thing? I mean a "low drive" female ( or male for that matter ), isn't going to generate much interest in someone dating them. The LD single women are probably keeping cats and ignoring men. I would think EVERYONE dating is "High Drive" at least in their advertising and interactions with the opposite sex.
> 
> Or, maybe @Enigma32 is a one percent male, so no difficulties ever with that aspect of life. Blessed.


I'm probably a 50% male. I just know how to engage with ladies a little better than most.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> I'm probably a 50% male. I just know how to engage with ladies a little better than most.


And you are married? Been married how long?

Maybe I misunderstood, thought this thread was about mismatch in a marriage.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> And you are married? Been married how long?
> 
> Maybe I misunderstood, thought this thread was about mismatch in a marriage.


Newly married but I've been married before and had a few LTRs.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Newly married but I've been married before and had a few LTRs.


So you should write a sticky for those like the thread starter about how to fix the mismatched sex issue in their marriage. Don't nag about sex is one. Anything else?

Include some hints for the divorced guys about how to engage with female for maximum success in finding a new partner.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> So you have been blessed. You have no difficulty with this aspect of life, so of course aren't particularly sympathetic or empathetic with men married to women who aren't sexually attracted to them. Wouldn't it be helpful to advise how they can achieve your results with their wives? Tell them what the secrets are to marital sexual bliss?
> 
> I seem to recall reading that anything more often than ten times a year is NOT a dead bedroom ( by some unknown "authority"). So if some poor sap is getting laid once in a month with duty and/or starfish he just needs to suck it up and quit byching about it. His wife just isn't into him.


Back at a point when kids were little and it dropped to ~3x a month and I was about to pull the plug. Luckily she realized she had got stuck in supermom mode and basically forgot she was married. Now she comes out of the shower at night froggy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> So you should write a sticky for those like the thread starter about how to fix the mismatched sex issue in their marriage. Don't nag about sex is one. Anything else?
> 
> Include some hints for the divorced guys about how to engage with female for maximum success in finding a new partner.


One thing that wife and I did was institute a no clothes zone for the bed. But I have a wife who is aroused by seeing me aroused by her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> One thing that wife and I did was institute a no clothes zone for the bed. But I have a wife who is aroused by seeing me aroused by her.


I have been married to the same woman for a very long time, intimacy both quantty and quality has never been an issue for us. Neither of us were ever with anyone else. The extent of our "sex ed" was a 2 hour class in middle school and observing farm animals. We learned about and practiced intimacy with one another. Had a lot of laughs. We had kids by the time "Joy of Sex" was published, which we bought and read together ( and learned a few things lol ).

So I really have no basis for advising anyone about how to change an unhappy sexual dynamic in a marriage into a happy one. I have no idea why ours has worked as well as it has. And, since I was never really single also have no advice about adult dating either.

It just seems sad to me that so many married couples have such a difficult time with this aspect of life. To the point they have to debate whether one encounter in a week is "average" or "normal" or whatever. I mean they are presumably in a bed with one another every night of the week. It just seems unusual that both of them aren't anxious to share some fun for a short time before going to sleep or before leaving the bed in the morning. 

Shared lore like what you mentioned above and what @Enigma32 wrote ought to be shared with those less fortunate.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I have been married to the same woman for a very long time, intimacy both quantty and quality has never been an issue for us. Neither of us were ever with anyone else. The extent of our "sex ed" was a 2 hour class in middle school and observing farm animals. We learned about and practiced intimacy with one another. Had a lot of laughs. We had kids by the time "Joy of Sex" was published, which we bought and read together ( and learned a few things lol ).
> 
> So I really have no basis for advising anyone about how to change an unhappy sexual dynamic in a marriage into a happy one. I have no idea why ours has worked as well as it has. And, since I was never really single also have no advice about adult dating either.
> 
> ...


Luck. Plain and simple. It really is. 

There are many people out there that others can connect with in other aspects of life, but at the end of the day, all low sex drive people lie. All of them do. They hide their true selves behind a mask and spring their trap once they know the high drive person is in love with them. Then they know they can drag things on for years. They will use dirty tactics like saying, “you only want sex” or “you treat me less than human and I’m only good for sex” or whatever other bull crap they come up with. 

It’s one of those things I’d love to teach all people in their early 20s. If you have a high sex drive, you need to be careful about who you fall in love with. Make sure it isn’t a low drive person trying to pull the bait and switch. You’ll end up with years of pain.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> You contradict yourself. You accuse others of bait and switch if the sex slows down then admit you do the same thing yourself, right after you insisted that you do not do this.


What I read was that he didn't like the DISHONESTY of the bait and switch, and that he was going to be very open and clear about his desires and expectations...which is unlike most low-drive people. So I don't think he is contradicting himself at all.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> And my point is this. If you marry someone, do you pay attention to the vows you're giving? The whole "for richer or poorer, sickness and in health" stuff gets thrown out the window because you want sex more than the average person in your demographic. At least, that seems to be the general consensus here, which is kinda sad to me. Sex drive is a mostly physiological thing. If you want it 7 times a day and someone else wants it 7 times a month, neither of you is likely to change unless your physiology changes. It's not a matter of the lower drive partner walking away from the relationship or stepping out. I'd also like to point out that it's just yet another trait in a partner that people are demanding be above average. A lot of people demand a partner of above average income, height, fitness levels, sex drive, etc. I just hope those people understand what they are doing to their odds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I see what you are saying here, and ALL your points have been made many times on TAM, and I've explained my position many many times. So while I do enjoy debating things with you (I really do, you are fun to talk to!), I don't feel going over them again just to explain my personal perspective about sex in relationships.

The only thing I originally posted to say was that "averages" DO NOT MATTER to people who fall outside of them, higher OR lower. And it doesn't make anyone feel any better about their situation to say that they need to be more like 55% of the people in their age group. If that works for you when you don't get what you want, GREAT!! But for most people who aren't you, it doesn't help at all, and it's a form of shaming, which I don't like in any way (for anyone).

I will definitely keep my eyes open for your posts about low-drive people needing to step up when necessary...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> They will use dirty tactics like saying, “you only want sex” or “you treat me less than human and I’m only good for sex” or whatever other bull crap they come up with.


I will only say that my wife NEEDS the affection, closeness, to know I am attracted to her all of the time as a whole person. She needs to know I love her without condition. The sexuality grows and results from the whole relationship. If we are grocery shopping, or cleaning the house, caring for one another during illness, doing a jigsaw puzzle together, talking about the grandkids. We have done life together and never neglected one another in anything.

Not saying this has anything to do with LD vs HD. We just happened to be born half a world apart yet found one another and amazingly we both have the same robust interest in intimacy with one anither that hasnt flagged over the years.

Yes luck is maybe all it amounts to. Kinda like @Enigma’s not ever encountering an LD woman.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I will only say that my wife NEEDS the affection, closeness, to know I am attracted to her all of the time as a whole person. She needs to know I love her without condition. The sexuality grows and results from the whole relationship. If we are grocery shopping, or cleaning the house, caring for one another during illness, doing a jigsaw puzzle together, talking about the grandkids. We have done life together and never neglected one another in anything.
> 
> Not saying this has anything to do with LD vs HD
> 
> Yes luck is maybe all it amounts to. Kinda like @Enigma’s not ever encountering an LD woman.


Absolutely! 

I get what you are saying. For example, I hate it when people mock high drive people for saying that "touch" is their #1 love language. Sex is a part of TOUCH! 

But it isn't just sex - I need constant touches. A brush up against me. A hand on my shoulder. A hug from behind while I'm working on something in my workshop. Anything. Any sort of touch of affection so that I know that my partner still loves me. 

I fully understand what your wife is saying to you about needing closeness and affection. It makes perfect sense to me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> It's crazy, right? I bet some of the guys here would like to think it's some kinda heaven but it's not 🤣 The girl I was with at the time would stay naked all the time at home and literally beg me to "just put it in for a minute." I was in my mid 20s at the time and I legit can feel tired just thinking back on it. I've heard from her a few times over the years and she never did get married.


It is rough on a guy that has strong emotions when sex is involved, for the sex to just be a freaking marathon with no emotion what so ever for the girl. What happens when one partner has emotion involved and the other, it's just sex! Damn glad my wife and I feel the same about sex. Daily or more, is enjoyable when you both have emotion involved. 

It is like feeding a fire. More you have sex, the closer you feel to the other and the more you want to have sex.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I have been married to the same woman for a very long time, intimacy both quantty and quality has never been an issue for us. Neither of us were ever with anyone else. The extent of our "sex ed" was a 2 hour class in middle school and observing farm animals. We learned about and practiced intimacy with one another. Had a lot of laughs. We had kids by the time "Joy of Sex" was published, which we bought and read together ( and learned a few things lol ).
> 
> So I really have no basis for advising anyone about how to change an unhappy sexual dynamic in a marriage into a happy one. I have no idea why ours has worked as well as it has. And, since I was never really single also have no advice about adult dating either.
> 
> ...


Wife and I both wished we had met each other 1st. I was just getting out of a lengthy hospital stay after wreck in 8th grade when she was marrying her 1st hubby. She wishes she knew me then and could have taken care of me while I was learning to walk again, instead of 10 yrs wasted with her XWH.

But, can't get down on what could have been, we have from now on. Been together 26 yrs, told her I would give her 75. Means I have to hold out another 50 yrs.

We know very few couples that have a relationship as strong as ours and it makes us sad for them, for what their marriages could be. We are the couple that is continually touching. We hold hands all the time, walking, driving, sitting on couch. If I am pushing shopping cart, she walks beside me with her hand on one of mine and our fingers intertwined or she is being to one side with her hand in my back pocket. We are always touching if we are in same room.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Luck. Plain and simple. It really is.
> 
> There are many people out there that others can connect with in other aspects of life, but at the end of the day, all low sex drive people lie. All of them do. They hide their true selves behind a mask and spring their trap once they know the high drive person is in love with them. Then they know they can drag things on for years. They will use dirty tactics like saying, “you only want sex” or “you treat me less than human and I’m only good for sex” or whatever other bull crap they come up with.
> 
> It’s one of those things I’d love to teach all people in their early 20s. If you have a high sex drive, you need to be careful about who you fall in love with. Make sure it isn’t a low drive person trying to pull the bait and switch. You’ll end up with years of pain.


I think there may be some purposeful bait and switch that happens, but I think it is rare. The main reason is I think the only people that could do this completely on purpose are those that have been in at least one long term sexual relationship, maybe more. Otherwise how in tune can they be with their sex drive? I suppose if you were masturbating quite frequently for a long period of time prior to losing your virginity you may know a bit about your sex drive, but if you have never been in a sexual relationship for months, maybe even a year or more, how do you know what your steady state sex drive is? 

I was pretty sure mine was going to be high, because I had been masturbating quite frequently for quite some time, lol. However, when my wife and I first started having sex I had no clue if my sex drive would stay the same into year 2, 3, 10, 20 and beyond. My wife has said she never masturbated as a kid, until she became sexually interested in the person she would give her virginity to. So what would have clued her into what her sex drive was if she had little interest in sex until the first time she tried it? I won't say she is high drive, but she does really like sex. She just isn't a frequent initiator, but rarely rejects. I know enough to know her 1.5-2 year relationship prior to me was very sexual, so in our case, if it dropped off after some time with us then I assume that would mean she just lost sexual interest in me, not that she did a bait and switch. 

The problem is you probably won't know any of this until you are deep into a relationship. We didn't discuss anything about my wife's past sexual experience and how much she enjoyed sex until we were well into our relationship and in love. By the time you are in the relationship long enough to see where your partner's sex drive is heading you will be at a point where love complicates and clouds your feelings and thought process. You may even have kids in the mix. I think you are right about it being luck finding someone with well matched sexual desire. You really don't know until you are knee deep in the relationship and there is no test for it. I don't agree about teaching 20 yo about bait and switch as if it is a common occurrence. I think it would be better to teach them general relationship skills like effective communication, especially in discussing sexual desires and intimacy needs. Also, recognizing incompatibilities and that not all relationships, even when you've fallen in love, are meant to last. Unfortunately it isn't easy to teach those things, plus those topics are sensitive since there are religious beliefs that come into play for some. 

I also wonder if sexual desire is somewhat a learned trait. I grew up seeing lots of PDA between my mom and dad, and it has never stopped to this day. I even saw it in my grandparents. When I was old enough my mom even told me how important it is to be "affectionate" with the one you are in love with. Once we got married she even went so far as to tell me, and my wife, that you have to keep up a healthy sex life. Even now my 70 something mom can't help but give me a hug and tell me how happy she is when I show physical affection for my wife. My wife's parents were similar. They regularly went out dancing and nearly every picture I've seen of them they are holding each other tight and/or kissing. My wife has said she remembers when out for walks the way her mom would always hold on to her dad's arm like she never wanted to let him go. And she said every day when her dad would leave for work he would kiss her mom and give her a little pat on the butt. She says that her mom would have this smile that just beamed love. So, yeah, I think environment can play a role, but again, you have no clue about your partners background until deep into that relationship.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

This about a friend of a friend only happened a few months ago.
My friend has an American friend who is 71 years old. This guy is married to an American woman, got adult children and grandchildren, his wife being in her late 60s.
He admitted to my friend that he hasn`t had an erection for years. Could not have intercourse with his wife unable to raise it, tried watching porn going for therapy and although has no major health issues, nothing worked.
Then a few months ago some friends took him to a strip club here in Thailand, Bangkok.
On the stage appeared a young, beautiful, stunning Thai girl who was about 19 to 20 years old.
She began to strip and when she was completely naked this guy claimed he got the biggest erection he`s ever had, first time after several years.
So perhaps it`s like one losing their appetite for food. Serve up a new exciting dish to get an appetite back again.
I am not saying partners should cheat, but perhaps if either a wife or husband starts going off sex, than the other partner should begin serving it hot rather than luke warm or cold, maybe introduce some kinky stuff to put more zest into it may be a solution.


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