# Well Happy Freaking New Year!!



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I told myself that I was going to make some changes in 2013, either I was going to work harder at trusting and not worrying or I was going to walk away from the marriage because living like this is horrible!! The constant worry, stress, feeling like you mean nothing to someone that you have given everything to. Its no way to live.

I have continued to "snoop" on my WH thru his work emails. On Mondays he gets an expense report for what he put on his company cc the week before. I see there is a lunch at a chinese restaurant for two and its in the city thats half way between WH and POSOW. So of course it upsets me because I instantly think he met her there for lunch the day after Christmas (he was a grinch for a month leading up to Christmas because of finances but after we opened up presents he was fine and seems normal again). Also the day after Christmas 3 years ago when he said he wanted to come home he also went to eat chinese with POSOW. So that was a huge trigger. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didnt have solid proof and if I asked he would lie and be mad that I was snooping. I tried that but it affected my mood, I had been in a good mood most of the day but then seeing that it all shifted. He noticed all night and was equally put off but kept asking me what my problem was, why the mood swing, etc. I just said I was fine (biggest lie anyone ever told).

This morning we got up and I printed some stuff from here about what a BS goes through and how HE can help. I asked him to read it and told him that I wanted a happier new year and that if something didnt change that we wouldnt be married this time next year. He rolled his eyes, read it and then drew a few long breaths after the first page. I asked why and he said "it said to take a few deep breaths" so he was just being a sarcastic *******. I told him if it burdened him to read it then to stop and I'd take that for an answer. He stopped and threw it at my face. I told him to look at the bright side of things that atleast he had a place to go now because his BFF and his W are divorcing and she just moved out.

He got up stormed upstairs and got dressed, said he was done and leaving. I told him if he left he wasnt coming back. He said he was sick of me being a snooping ***** but when I tried to tell him WHY Im like that he doesnt want to hear it. He left the house with nothing and said that he'd tell me like BFF's W told him "I'll get my F'in stuff when I want to get my F'in stuff".

I did what I shouldnt have done and after he left I sobbed like a baby and then tried to text him and call him over and over. He was ignoring me every time. Finally I texted him and said that if he was done to just say so and I'd leave him alone. I called again and he answered. We argued because I snoop and dont trust and he doesnt want to live like that. He doesnt want to try to understand WHY or how I feel about it at all. He said a few times that we should just end things and I would say things like he never really cared when he came home anyway, or that I have done all the hard work the last three years while he can do what he wants and that I feel worthless to him. He said if thats how I feel then maybe we should split so I'd feel better. He always puts is back on me. He just told me last week that he wants me in his life and this week he acts like he hates me? At the end of the conversation I told him that he does things that make me think he's not being honest, like deleting all his text messages. ( I dont touch his phone and didnt know he did this til the other day I said I had texted him and he went to look at his texts but there was nothing there. I asked why he deletes my texts, he doesnt have to delete MINE and he said he always deletes texts and emails cause he doesnt like things cluttered up) I want to think he is hiding stuff thats why but I also know that he is a neat freak. When I brought up the texts being erased he went off and said "you know what Im done, I have always done that and Im not going to explain to you why I do things if thats the way I want to do them". I told him that was fine and to tell his ***** hi for me. He stopped and said "are you serious". I told him very , what did it matter anyway, we are done.

He literally doesnt care what he has put me through. He wants me to be happy and perfect all the time and someone he wants to be with when he can be anyway he wants to be and I have to settle. I know in the long run I would be better off without him the way he is now, he's so negative BUT....

MY HEART HURTS!! And I cant stop crying.

I feel stupid for being so upset, for trying so hard for 3 years to keep this together when he doesnt seem to care. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but doesnt want to live like this. Why cant he see that HE could do things differently and make me feel different....because he doesnt care thats why!

He left with nothing and Im not sure where he is or when he will be back. I hung up on him after he said he was done.

So Happy Freaking New Year to me!! Hope everyone elses is going better then mine!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDown

My words can't possibly convey how so very sorry I am to hear this.

I know it took so much courage for you to do what you did. But I think you know you did the right thing. It's easy for us "out here" to tell you to leave him & good riddance to bad rubbish type of stuff (all of which are true). 

But you have invested so much time, both in good and bad years in this relationship that it is far, far, different to KNOW what is right and to ACT on it. 

I'm sure you are beside yourself with anger, rage, pain, and mostly fear. 

It's a human reaction. Embrace it for the time being. Embrace your children. Gather whatever strength you can. 

This is the first day of the new year. You have many days to come, some will undoubtedly be filled with sorrow and pain. 

But before long, and little by little, you will heal. You WILL be a stronger person. Emotionally and spiritually. 

I send you strength, courage, and a sense of peace.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he has never put forth any effort because you were willing to do it all for the both of you. You know that won't work in the long run. He needs to hold up his end because it takes two in a marriage. My suggestion is to do what Daisygirl did and stop chasing him. Turn your back and work on things that make you happy. Get yourself in a better place without him. Maybe some day he will look back and decide what a real sh!t he has been and come back to you. But if you keep chasing him he will keep running away from you and his responsibilities. You deserve to make yourself happy for a change. You deserve no less.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So sorry you are going through all this today,but all the signs say he is still cheating on you. He's defensive,accusatory and gas lighting you.
If you were truly reconciling then there is no question that there should be full transparency and you shouldn't be made to feel like you are 'snooping'.

I know you are hurting, you need to look after yourself now and put his needs second to your own.
Read up on the 180 and put what you can into practice.
You deserve more than this, you are worth more, make this the year that you put yourself first!
D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I am so sorry to hear this. I feel for you!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Thanks for everyones comments. I just feel like the last three years of hell have been a total waste of time. I know he has issues, lots of them, but the biggest is that he's selfish and just doesnt care about what his actions do to others.

After 22 years with someone it hurts to know they can just walk away from you like YOU are evil and cut you down all the way out the door!

I just wanna quit crying but it just hurts to know that someone can think so little of you and not recognize what you have gone through FOR THEM!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're in such pain. He never gives you a break, does he?

I know you don't want to believe it, but there's a good chance that he in fact did have lunch with the OW the day after Christmas. Given his attitude, you have no reason not to believe it.

You aren't ready to let go because you still love him, but love is a balance of good and bad. There are always things about people and relationships that weigh in the negative column. When he has tipped the scales one time too many, you will be ready to kick him out and not look back.

I pray for you, LD, that that time comes sooner rather than later.

For now, take things one hour at a time. Make a plan for each bit of each day and then try hard to focus on the plan.

We're all sending you vibes for a new year that ends up better than the way this one has started.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Not only did he walk out the door like the cur he is. He said some very hurtful things. 

When he comes back. And you know he will. Be prepared for him to act in any of these ways:
1- like nothing happened
2- indifferent
3- argumentative and accusatory
4- (least likely) ready to have a rational conversation on the state and future of your marriage. 

Prepare yourself emotionally for all. 

strength


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDown
You have a caring and gentle soul. It is a great gift, a true asset in a loving committed relationship . But I think that in your marriage it has been a tool used by your husband as a pass in owning his failings in your marriage. 

Keep your gentle and caring spirit. Don't let anyone change that.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

3 years is a long time to live like that. I think you have more than tried to save your marriage, and need now to realize its probably time to move on for the sake of your mental well being and happiness.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I took the kids to the mall, we got some lunch and looked around and every step of the way was miserable. I dont like the mall much anyway but it was like I was forcing myself to do something. Before we left the mall (it had been 3 hours since I hung up on him) I texted asking him if he was coming to get his stuff anytime soon. He said NOPE. I said "so what is your plan" he said "I dont have one as of yet". I said "u told me 3 hours ago we are done and you dont know what you are doing" He says "Sure Barb in 3 hours I can secure a plan and just come and get my ****". I told him that I didnt wanna be here when he came to so please let me know.

We are home now. I wanna just go to bed but I know its not over. He will have to come get his stuff for tomorrow or he will come get it all, I dont know. Wait, he wont get it all. Its already late and he will just leave it until he is ready, cause you know its all about him!

I figure he is going to come in and act like nothing is wrong, say something lame like lets start over. Which I think is BS that he's been gone the last 7 hours and he thinks he is just going to waltz in and I have no idea where he is or what he's been doing. Then again, he might fool me and not even come in tonight.

I know that I need to not care but its really stressing me out wondering what hes doing and if he's gonna show up here. Its not going to be fun, Im sure.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have made him and the children the center of your life. He has put you on the fringes of his life. Why not push him out of the center, at least for tonight?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Sounds to me that, after 3 long years of no real reconciliation, you are tired of being in a relationship without trust.

I didn't say "marriage without trust" because there is no such thing.

You don't have a marriage.

It also sounds like you don't have the guts to D. So take baby steps. Start with a physical separation. Draw up legal separation papers, and separate. You need clarity, and will never have it while living with him.

Time to make a bold move for *you*. Start the year off right.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I texted him because I didnt want to sit here waiting the bomb to explode and not be prepared. Asked if he was coming home tonight, he said no, I asked where he was staying, he said he was at his friends then, and that he didnt know, why. I said I just wondered. He said "I really dont want to deal with your **** tonight. I didnt say our marriage meant so little (I had said that before that I dont understand why he acts like it means so little). I am tired of being accused of ****. Just tired right now and dont want to argue with you" So I replied and told him that we argue because he cant talk about anything. He gets angry and goes off. I told him I wasnt chasing him anymore, he needed to do what makes him happy but that I think after 22 years together our marriage should mean more to him then it does.

I know I shouldnt be texting him, I shouldnt care. I wanna kick my own ass honestly, its just so hard. The kids keep asking me if dad is coming home and I dont know what to even tell them. All they know is that he left here slamming doors with not a word to them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Be the good mom you are. Your blood pressure must be sky high today so be sure you get plenty of rest as you can. Reassure the kids that they are loved. 

I know sleep will not come easy but when it does you can sleep the sleep of the just.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I told myself that I was going to make some changes in 2013...
> 
> So Happy Freaking New Year to me!! Hope everyone elses is going better then mine!


No. I hope yours is the best it can be. Make it so!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Quit with the phone!

*180, starting now.*


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he will never change... sometimes the obstacles in front of us are too great, and the best decision is an alternate route. If R has not been the right path, maybe D is... Either way something different needs to happen; what has been done does not seem to have worked. 

He seems awful negative and hurtful in his words too -- far too much so for a BS to put up with. Don't let him talk to you like that!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi Letdown,
I feel so bad for you. You really should have given up on him long ago. You deserve better.

Quit with the phone and start to plan a life without him.
Find meaning without him.
Work on your kids lives without him.
Expand your friendships without him.
Exercise without him.
Be happy without him.

What your doing is not working so change it. I know youre invested but you have to "stop the bleeding" and regroup with a different plan. This plan is for you not him.

I'm thinking al kinds of positive thoughts your way.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Yor doing what many people do, he pulls away, you get anxious and chase him in a effort to self sooth. Understand that he will never respond in a way that will heal your wounds. No matter how many times you text him, his response or lack of one will just inflame you and add to your anxiety.

You do not feel safe in this marriage and your attempts to repair the betrayal are not working. He is broken so of course he can't help mend. 

Take a step back and really listen to your voice...180 180 180...whenever your tempted to text, find another outlet.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Yor doing what many people do, he pulls away, you get anxious and chase him in a effort to self sooth. Understand that he will never respond in a way that will heal your wounds. No matter how many times you text him, his response or lack of one will just inflame you and add to your anxiety.
> 
> You do not feel safe in this marriage and your attempts to repair the betrayal are not working. He is broken so of course he can't help mend.
> 
> Take a step back and really listen to your voice...180 180 180...whenever your tempted to text, find another outlet.


That is exactly what happens. And it makes me feel totally pathetic. 
Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Not pathetic, many people do it myself included. My spouse runs and I chase and that chasing makes them feel safe but if you stop chasing then they feel anxious and start trying to pursue you. It's codependent and dysfunctional all rolled into one. It's also a habit/addicting. The hardest part is getting through those first few hours then days. 

Try to remember that hearing from him might make you feel better but like a drug the feel good wont last long and you'll want another hit. Really try to find some inner mantra that can help you self sooth in another way.


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## office girlie (Sep 1, 2012)

Wow ! Sounds word for word my XH. He would raise all kinds of hell and say I was snooping. When I finally caught up with his texts and kicked him out he moved right in with the *****! He also deleted his texts and when that didn't work / cuz he was passed out from drinking / after all u can't delete when your sleeping! So then he started locking his phone . They must have a cheat sheet they go by as they all sound alike !


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

At this point, you have nothinng to lose and everything to gain. When he does show up, tell him you are tired of living the life you have been. You wanted a great marriage, but you feel you have carried the load for you both for so long. YOu are tired, and you want peace and closure. Tell him that you saw he had lunch that day, where it was, and you triggered. Ask him to just lay it all out for you so you no longer have to wonder and then you can both move on from it. Tell him you suspect, and that is the last thing you want, but if is the case, he owes you at least that so you can move on with a clear head, and if what you suspect is not true, then you need him to explain why he reacts the way he does as if he is still hiding something.

Regardless of his answers, you need to start living for just you and your children. Take his answer and go with it. If he had lunch w/OW, he won't change after 3 years of false R. If he says he didn't and can prove differently, then you need to decide if that is enough for you to keep doing what you are doing. You sound very unhappy. Of course we are all very unhappy after our spouse cheats and shows no remorse...It took my hubs a couple of months after NC to start to really get it, and just recently I think we even hit on a deeper level of remorse and committment which I didn't think was possible.

If I had to wait 3 years for signs of our marriage improving and him becoming a better man, I could not do it. Are you the least bit happy? How is this effecting your children?

I haven't read your entire story, so I am throwing this out there and apologize if I am off base. Has he changed at all or shown true remorse? Are you always angry with him and never cut him some slack? If so, that could make him not want to try even though he was in the wrong to begin with. We can only beat up the WS for so long, but in order to really committ back into the marriage ourselves as a BS, we must stop punishing them and decide - I am going to committ to this marrige with my whole heart, knowing that it could be broken again, but also knowing that if I don't I will be miserable....or.....I can't do this. I can't stand the sight of him and I will be better off without him. Either way, you must keep a balance for your children, but don't choose to live miserably. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve a happy and peaceful mom.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

LDT, I am new to the forum and have been reading your situation along with some others to gain a different perspective on relationships and what make them tick. I was married for 20 years. I did everything possible to make my exw happy. It was to no avail. She was an angry person, who had an abusive mother (verbal/physical). I would try and sooth bad situations, I would call her at work and so on. Your three year trek through hell sounds like the same highway I was on. There was no marriage counseling in the world that was going to fix what was broken, unless she was looking to fix it. 

When I asked for the divorce at the end, she changed her tune. 180 if you will. It was too little too late. It sounds like you have done everything, when it is him who should put forth the effort. He is oblivious or just doesn't care. Trust is hard to find, it must be earned and for him a lifetime is not long enough. 

I'm not in your shoes and therefore my opinion is just that. It's time for you to live and be happy. Three years is enough. He should kick in gear and treat you the way he did when you folks first met. If he loves you he will do that. I hope I said something in this that was helpful. Best of luck in this New Year.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I told myself that I was going to make some changes in 2013, either I was going to work harder at trusting and not worrying or I was going to walk away from the marriage because living like this is horrible!! The constant worry, stress, feeling like you mean nothing to someone that you have given everything to. Its no way to live.
> 
> I have continued to "snoop" on my WH thru his work emails. On Mondays he gets an expense report for what he put on his company cc the week before. I see there is a lunch at a chinese restaurant for two and its in the city thats half way between WH and POSOW. So of course it upsets me because I instantly think he met her there for lunch the day after Christmas (he was a grinch for a month leading up to Christmas because of finances but after we opened up presents he was fine and seems normal again). Also the day after Christmas 3 years ago when he said he wanted to come home he also went to eat chinese with POSOW. So that was a huge trigger. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didnt have solid proof and if I asked he would lie and be mad that I was snooping. I tried that but it affected my mood, I had been in a good mood most of the day but then seeing that it all shifted. He noticed all night and was equally put off but kept asking me what my problem was, why the mood swing, etc. I just said I was fine (biggest lie anyone ever told).
> 
> ...


Of course you're an emotional wreak. You're expecting to change your husband into something else. Your husband isn't going to change and you are going to grow older. You need to start being more practical or you're going to go insane and lose everything. If your avi is your current picture then you're still young and pretty and will have opportunities - now. Beauty is time limited. You'll love someone else. Get out of this marriage ASAP.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

LetDown,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to end a long marriage. Mine was 27 years. I totally agree with the others. Stop texting calling. That gives him all the power. Stop asking what he wants, because his actions have clearly indicated that he is not considering you or the family. Whatever he's got going on (and he's showing you there's something) is more important to him that you and the kids. That sucks. It hurts, and we want to feel its avoidable. We want to believe we should be able to compromise and keep the family together. The trouble is, then we stop behaving like an intelligent human. You think-hey, things will be ok if I stop looking on his phone, or pointing out what is triggering, or asking that you be respected in the relationship. You stop being you. No one should ever have to live that way just to keep a marriage together. Marriage is a partnership, and it sounds like your partner is out, and is too gutless to say the words. He will likely never say them.
You need to plan your future. Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage or basement. Maybe you should ask a friend or family member to help because it can hurt. Plan how you want visitation to work and talk to an attorney. Go withdraw half the money in your accounts. Take care of you.
Sweetie you are not alone.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Tell him that you saw he had lunch that day, where it was, and you triggered.
> 
> I told him the reason why it triggered me in a text yesterday when he was telling me if I had the balls to snoop on him that I might as well ask him about it. I told him I did ask and thats when he blew up. He said how long do I plan on doing it. I told him that if he did things differently, didnt make me feel like he wasnt in the marriage at times then it would affect my thinking and eventually with time and trust I wouldnt feel like I had to check on him. I told him I dont check on him just to be nosey, its like Im trying to protect my heart from being broken again.
> 
> ...


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

LDT, I have lost a marriage, a parent (Physically watched my Dad pass away). I was injured in the line of duty (Bad). Gained and lost 60lbs due to injury, depression etc.. Not once did I ever think before the Big D and after, would I take my problems out on my significant other. This is life. You pull up by the boot straps and move forward. It is not easy for me to say believe me. All this happened to me in a two year time frame. He has lost your trust. When that happens you just incurred a part time job within a full time job.

He did this to himself. For your sanity and for your children he needs to address himself asap. Its not going to be easy, but if he truly loves and adores his wife and kids he will put forth that effort. It is the only way. He should be communicating with you face to face to see the pain he has caused and causing instead of texting. The only reason you are "on" him so much, is that his heavy lifting ain't been so heavy.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Rottdad42 said:


> LDT, I have lost a marriage, a parent (Physically watched my Dad pass away). I was injured in the line of duty (Bad). Gained and lost 60lbs due to injury, depression etc.. Not once did I ever think before the Big D and after, would I take my problems out on my significant other. This is life. You pull up by the boot straps and move forward. It is not easy for me to say believe me. All this happened to me in a two year time frame. He has lost your trust. When that happens you just incurred a part time job within a full time job.
> 
> He did this to himself. For your sanity and for your children he needs to address himself asap. Its not going to be easy, but if he truly loves and adores his wife and kids he will put forth that effort. It is the only way. He should be communicating with you face to face to see the pain he has caused and causing instead of texting. The only reason you are "on" him so much, is that his heavy lifting ain't been so heavy.


Agreed, I have done all the work. Im a very emotional person, even when Im mad I cry. He hates that and has seen it so much that it doesnt phase him. I am not one to withhold my feelings from him, I tell him what I feel, what I need, etc. He knows! I just dont think its a priority because he's too wrapped up in himself and how HE feels.

The reason I say he blames me goes back to my original post. Most of his adult years he was overweight. In 2005 we went on the South Beach Diet, I was overweight also. He lost 110 lbs in 6 mos, I lost 80 in 8 mos. We were invited to Good Morning America, and were in Women's health promoting the SBD. He started getting attention from women that he wasnt used to and it went to his head. Thus the affair with a co-worker who wasnt happy in her marriage. We seperated so he could figure out what he wanted, then came home a week later because "i wouldnt leave him alone". The next day I discovered the affair via his work email. I threw him out, he went to his BFF's and I chased him long and hard for 17 mos that we were seperated. It wasnt just me though...he was cake eating and I was letting him. Towards the end of the seperation before he came home he started gaining the weight back because he was "stressed"...which he blamed on me for chasing him and not letting him be. So he comes home, eats for comfort and in no time has put on all the weight that he lost (well maybe 90 lbs of it). I think that he thinks if I would have left him alone during that time that he would have moved on and still be skinny and the center of others attention and that is what validates him. Everytime we have turned back to the diet in the last few years something has happened, he gives up, a trigger and I get upset and he gives up. He says that everytime he starts losing weight again (the most he has lost is 20 lbs) that I blow up and he eats for comfort...MY FAULT AGAIN! The truth is that I dont put the food in his mouth, he cant cope so he eats.

That is why he blames me, just thought I would clarify all that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sounds like a person who can't accept blame and looks to blame everyone or anyone else for his faults


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this three years later. My guess is something is going on at some level. He is doing the blame shift and blow up stuff.

I would file for D at this point. Have him served at work. Pack up his stuff in boxes. You may really have to do it but the R is not working because he thinks you will just fold.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He doesn't know what his plan is? Make one for him. Pack his sh!t and have it in bags/boxes waiting for him in the garage or on the front porch.

Stop giving this monkey man power over you and your situation. Take charge, kick his @ss out. It is obvious he is still cheating on you. 

So far your threats to him about 'ending things' are empty threats. He will never take you seriously b/c you have backed down and took him back so many times. You have been crying and begging and pleading for 3 years. STOP IT. You gave him chance after chance after chance. He will continue to treat you like garbage until you stand up for yourself. So do it. Pack his crap and tell him not to come back.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

It's time to let him go once and for all and work on what makes you happy.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I would not say it is obvious he is cheating on you (just by this thread), but his actions are suspicious, and with his past...you have every right to check up on him and be concerned. You wll always have that right, but hopefully with time you will not feel a need to do so.

Have you verified if there is indeed a motorcycle shop near the restaurant?

After that, I suggest telling him that if he wants his family in tact, if he loves you and the kids, then he needs to go transparent whether he likes it or not. That is the only way he will gain your trust and you can start to begni healing and trusting him again. He has to earn the trust back, and 3 years of not giving what you need to heal and move on is 3 years too long.

I think it is OK to tell him that you love a him and you don't want a life without him, obviously or you would not have been doing what you have for 3 years, but you have come to terms with the fact that he is either going to help your marriage or continue to hurt it, and he needs to man up and take responsibility of his own weight gain, his own insecurities and if needed, get outside help, because you don't want to be his counselor or a wife that acts like a mom any more and you are mentally prepared to step away. You are a woman with needs who wants a happy, trusting and loving marriage with a man who loves and respects you the way you deserve. He messed up once, so it's time he gets it right. He has had enough time, and if he can't get it figured out now, you are not going to stick around and keep this half of a marriage going. You made changes and sacrifices for him - where is the payout?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I would not say it is obvious he is cheating on you (just by this thread), but his actions are suspicious, and with his past...you have every right to check up on him and be concerned. You wll always have that right, but hopefully with time you will not feel a need to do so.
> 
> Have you verified if there is indeed a motorcycle shop near the restaurant?
> 
> ...


He would tell you that I havent changed, he would tell you that I have gotten worse. Ive always been the jealous type. Maybe because my dad cheated on my mom and left and my step dad cheated on my mom and left. Ive had a fear of it happening to me so I was always on edge. Not snooping and such but needing him to make me feel safe.

Its gotten far worse since all this happened. For good reason but he doesnt think so.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Satya said:


> My ex used to start laughing crazily when I would cry.


Mine admitted that he purposely said mean things to watch me cry. It "entertained" him. Just wow.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

With all the factors you've dealt with, I understand why you were concerned. When you ask questions, he mocks you. He gets mad when you're crying or upset. That's not supportive which is how he should be with your concerns.

I'm so sorry you're being put through this again.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> He would tell you that I havent changed, he would tell you that I have gotten worse.
> 
> Its gotten far worse since all this happened. For good reason but he doesnt think so.


While you both may learn and grow from this, HE is the one that has needed to change...without transparency, he doesn't get it - what he did to you, and doesn't care that much - and there is no trust. Could he still cheat by laying out his cell phone for you and giving you passwords, etc....SURE, but not even offeriing that as an option is not moving towards helping you, his betrayed spouse, to heal.

He needs to give you this. If he can't, whip yourself into the best shape of your life and move on. Let him be a selfish, overweight and lonely man. You deserve better.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Letdown,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think, like me, you made mistakes after your DDAy that you wish could be undone. We are after all, only human. 

You've been around TAM long enough to understand what the reasonable expectations are from the CS if they want another chance. If those expectations weren't laid out by you, and met, at the beginning of R, then you know that the possibility of a false R increases, even if he has remained faithful.

I'd sound like a hypocrite to suggest that you leave your husband, but to me it boils down to two choices.

One would be to divorce him and move on with your life. You can count on us to offer you support through this.

Your other choice would be to implement the 180, and if and only if, he comes back with hat in hand, correct those mistakes you made before. Let him know in no uncertain terms, what your expectations are for demonstrating that he is a remorseful spouse. Educate him. If he thinks he can't meet them, don't debate with him. He has made the decision for you. Move on. If he says he will, this time don't move back your line in the sand if he doesn't comply. 

As I see it, you are in a better position than someone like me, who has a remorseful spouse but is still unsure if I made the right decision to R. Make him be the one to decide, based on his own actions. Don't back track and stay strong should you decide to give it another go. Do the same thing you should have done three years ago.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

LD, I completely understand your frustration. Your relationship dynamic has changed over the years. The loss of weight, attention, stresses of life and eating. They all play a part. I have been there. I guess my question is why would that change your husband and not you. You have relayed to him why you react the way you do from past experiences. These things shape you, they protect you from further damage. You protecting what you have worked so hard for is understandable. But him not reacting at all or reacting in a way other than what a good husband should, is not meeting your needs or expectations.

I think it shows incredible strength to go through this and still maintain some modicum of sanity. IMHO you are in this thick or thin, The question would be Is He? What you are dealing with resonates from my past, I hear you.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> He would tell you that I havent changed, he would tell you that I have gotten worse. Ive always been the jealous type. Maybe because my dad cheated on my mom and left and my step dad cheated on my mom and left. Ive had a fear of it happening to me so I was always on edge. Not snooping and such but needing him to make me feel safe.
> 
> Its gotten far worse since all this happened. For good reason but he doesnt think so.


If you value your sanity then leave this marriage. It's not going to get better.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I feel like puking. Im shaking and just feel so disgusted right now.

The POSOW's xH just friend requested me on FB. WHY?

We were friends on fb up until about 2 years ago when he told me a story that I had a hard time believing. I thought he was making it up because he was mad at OW at the time for not letting him see the kids. When I didnt kick my H out over it he unfriended me. From time to time since then I have looked at his page but in the last 6-9 mos he has had it private. I have always snooped around on the OW's grown daughters page from time to time, I guess hoping to see a pic of the OW with a new boyfriend or something. Not sure why I look, its addicting.

I dont know what to do? Why is he doing this? Couldnt he just email me if he wants to tell me something? Does he just want to snoop on my page to see how things are for me? I dont know what to do, I just feel sick! 

What would you do?


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

LetDown.... so sorry you are dealing with all of this. REgarding your last post, I think it could help you to friend him, even if it is only temporary. If he has new information regarding your husband it would be great to have it.

However, I want to ask you if you are familiar with Marriage Builders? They have a website and forum page that has the very best marriage program for dealing with matters like this. If you have never seen it please check it out. I really think it would help you immensely.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Can you send him a message and talk to him over the phone? Maybe now that you've both had some time to move forward, some of what he knows/sees will coincide with your WH's behavior. 

He's definitely not remorseful nor helping in this reconciliation. 

What would this man have to gain by offering misinformation if your WH wasn't still talking to or involved with the OW? Maybe I'm missing something?

As for 'friending' someone, not sure he qualifies at that level.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Another thought - After you talk to him, tell your WH you've had a conversation with this man. Ask him if there's anything he should tell you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Can you send him a message and talk to him over the phone? Maybe now that you've both had some time to move forward, some of what he knows/sees will coincide with your WH's behavior.
> 
> He's definitely not remorseful nor helping in this reconciliation.
> 
> ...


When the A was exposed she filed for divorce and left her H and moved on the other side of town (our side). He has ultimately lost in the whole situation, his wife, his home, his kids, and his job in the last few years. He HATES my H, which makes sense, and he hates it that my H didnt lose everything like he did.

I dont know that he has anything to tell me at all, I just dont understand why he would contact me 2 years later. If he had something to say to me he could just email me through the message feature on fb but just seeing his name and not knowing why he is coming back around now makes me sick! PHYSICALLY ILL!!

Maybe he wants to tell me something, maybe he wants to see my page to see where we stand, I dont know?!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hmmm, can you just FB message him to see what he wants first? Or just friend him for a day or two to find out what he wants? 

If its something crazy you can always defriend him and then block him if needed.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I'd leave it alone.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It's a weird situation - might mean nothing, or might mean that he thinks something is up with his xW and your husband and wants to snoop. Could be he is going through what you're going through.

But I'm one of those people who don't "get" facebook. 

Do you really need it? If not, I would delete my account or make it inaccessible somehow. Not sure how helpful that advice is, but I just don't see the need for facebook. (Especially when it is causing you stress.) It's a nice to have, not a need to have.

If deleting your account is too rash - just make a pact with yourself not to check it for one entire week. Then try to extend it to two weeks. Don't check on the OW's daughter's page. Don't check any of their pages. Or start off easier - don't check it for a couple of days.... *Try not to care.*

Like anything, fb can be addictive and addictive behaviour is ultimately destructive.

Stay strong!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Or, if you want absolutely nothing to do with him, you can block him. But, if you are curious as to why he's requesting your friendship on FB now, send him a message and ask him why. If adding him would be too much for you to bear, then don't do it.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> It's a weird situation - might mean nothing, or might mean that he thinks something is up with his xW and your husband and wants to snoop. Could be he is going through what you're going through.
> 
> But I'm one of those people who don't "get" facebook.
> 
> ...


I dont HAVE to have fb but I do enjoy it. I grew up in a single parent family. We moved around alot. Which means I made lots of friends in every place and then had to move. None of my family lives near me so fb is really just a connection to my old friends and my family. I work at home which doesnt allow me to get out and make friends so its nice to be connected to my old friends.

I know alot of people have a strong hate for fb because of old connections but its never been like that for me. I have found a few of my best friends along the way that I never thought I would hear from again. I can take FB or leave it so its not really about FB, it just sucks that he is trying to reconnect with me on there.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm sorry your new year is starting off so rough

Keep your head up. It sounds like he's the one losing out on a great person, not you.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont HAVE to have fb but I do enjoy it. I grew up in a single parent family. We moved around alot. Which means I made lots of friends in every place and then had to move. None of my family lives near me so fb is really just a connection to my old friends and my family. I work at home which doesnt allow me to get out and make friends so its nice to be connected to my old friends.
> 
> I know alot of people have a strong hate for fb because of old connections but its never been like that for me. I have found a few of my best friends along the way that I never thought I would hear from again. I can take FB or leave it so its not really about FB, it just sucks that he is trying to reconnect with me on there.



I understand. I don't hate fb - I just don't get it. I'm fairly tech oriented too, but just don't get the social networking phenomena. I still handwrite letters sometimes though - so maybe I'm out of touch. 

I still think it would be good for you to consciously try NOT to check fb for a few days. And try to stop looking at the OW's daughter's page - that's gotta be a trigger just by thinking about going there.

Try to detach and work on your own happiness.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Here is a link to the marriage builders website: Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

If you have never visited there, I really think you would find a ton of helpful information.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I joined fb to keep an eye on my boys acct a few years ago. Now I like it - but have only family and a very few close friends. 

LetDown. Something to consider:

If the H of your H xOW is still stewing over all that he lost he "may" have it mind to give it back to your H in spades by starting a friendly relationship with you that he hopes can lead to payback.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

What I would do....I would not friend him, but you know this is going to eat at you. Just send him a message. Tell him you don't want to friend him because FB is only for family, but you want to acknowledge him just to see what he wants. Something like "I received a friend request, however, I strictly maintain a family only policy when it comes to FB. Is there something I can help you with?"


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I did not approve it just sent him a message saying "something up? I havent heard from you in a while" and left it at that.

I guess I'll just wait now and see what happens.

I looked back and the last time I heard from him was August of 2011 and it was a "hey how are you" message. Very short exchanges. The end.

Before that it was June 2011 when he tried to tell me about an event that supposedly happened in May. I just re-read the conversation at that time and realize he was beligerent and also posting at the same time on his fb that he was going to "get that *****" for not letting him see the kids. 

I just dont see his reason for looking for me now after a year and a half. Unless he was drinking but he supposedly quit drinking?!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can speculate until the cows come home but you won't really know until you hear from him.

You are no doubt also afraid that he will have some information that you may not want to have, since it could be true (in which case you will need to confront and deal with it), or it could be purposely stirring the pot (in which case you will also need to confront and deal with it).

Your H has created an ongoing anxiety attack for you both with his A and with the way he is handling your R.

I wish there were a magic elixir that I could give you that would make you go cold-blooded. Until/unless you've reached that point, your life will be animated by these constant stressors.

So sorry.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I did not approve it just sent him a message saying "something up? I havent heard from you in a while" and left it at that.
> 
> I guess I'll just wait now and see what happens.
> 
> ...


I think you did the right thing for you. But don't sit and wait - carry on. Ball is in his court. He might have been drunk, he might have something, he might not. He might just be checking in on you...who knows. You'll know when you get a response. 

It's Friday....enjoy the weekend wth your family as best as you can. Do something fun!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well thanks to facebook I was able to see that he got my message and read it at 1:39, he never replied so Im guess he either doesnt have anything to say or doesnt have time to say it. 

Hoping he just wants on my page to be nosey and see if Im still with my H or whether my H has lost his weight again or not.

Time will tell. And Alte you are right, I am afraid of what I might hear. I will make permanent changes in our relationship if I find out anything else (proven) so it is a bit scary, Im not going to lie! Who wants to go through all that I have and then find out it was all in vain!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Well thanks to facebook I was able to see that he got my message and read it at 1:39, he never replied so Im guess he either doesnt have anything to say or doesnt have time to say it.
> 
> Hoping he just wants on my page to be nosey and see if Im still with my H or whether my H has lost his weight again or not.
> 
> *Time will tell. And Alte you are right, I am afraid of what I might hear. I will make permanent changes in our relationship if I find out anything else (proven) so it is a bit scary, Im not going to lie! Who wants to go through all that I have and then find out it was all in vain!*


Anyone who wants to finally free themselves from this limbo and move on with their life


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Anyone who wants to finally free themselves from this limbo and move on with their life


Obviously Im an idiot and never have any good times with my husband, right?

Its the good times that make me try! Fail or not I have to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Obviously Im an idiot and never have any good times with my husband, right?
> 
> Its the good times that make me try! Fail or not I have to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.


Yeah, it's the damn memories. That's why I can never get past the feeling of being 99% over anything. I don't ever want the feeling that I didn't try everything. 

It's that last 1% that's proving to be the toughest to let go.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm sorry but, do you really need to put up with this "Horsecra\" in your short life? Is life so bad in the states , that you have to put up with this? If that is your photo, you are pretty hot! Why put up with it? Why? The fear of change? Hell, change is going to come anyway!I wish someone would have smacked me twenty five years ago. Sorry but life is way to short for putting up with this. Just my 2 cents David


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> I'm sorry but, do you really need to put up with this "Horsecra\" in your short life? Is life so bad in the states , that you have to put up with this? If that is your photo, you are pretty hot! Why put up with it? Why? The fear of change? Hell, change is going to come anyway!I wish someone would have smacked me twenty five years ago. Sorry but life is way to short for putting up with this. Just my 2 cents David


David, I appreciate your input. I think each of us here have different reasons for what we do and allow ourselves to be put through. Do I think I am living the best life ever? NO! Do I think I could have a better life? MAYBE? Im almost 40yo, I havent had the worst life in the world but I have faced some challenges that make me who I am today and that is probably my reason for making the decisions I make. They arent the decisions alot of people here would make. I own them, no matter how ridiculous they might seem to others. 

Btw, thank you for the compliment!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Years ago, my mother had a good friend whose H treated her very much the way your H treats you. He had an A, moved out & then moved back home after much heartache. Once he was home, though, he never really acted committed emotionally, certainly never enough to give her peace of mind.

After 20+ years of living like this, he got sick and she dutifully dragged herself to the hospital to visit him. He was apologetic and confessed that the OW from all those years ago had deserted him and he knew that his W was the only one who truly cared for him. He said that he'd treated his W badly because he refused to have any woman 'control' him; where he came from, he said, no wife told her H what to do. His long-suffering W replied something like, " H3ll, old man, you think I've been trying to control you? I've been trying to get rid of you for 20 years."

So, after many years of dealing with the pain of her jack*ss H's behavior, she had stopped caring. She stayed with him because in those days it was more common to stick it out. He died from his illness & she's in her eighties now, living contentedly on her own the last time I heard.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Alte -

Interesting story. There's something about that anecdote that should make me sad but it doesn't. Bittersweet? maybe. I know that era very well. And many of those same practices exist to this day.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Obviously Im an idiot and never have any good times with my husband, right?
> 
> Its the good times that make me try! Fail or not I have to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.


LDNTX,
Vi didn't mean it in that way. She has gone through the same thing herself...well, similar. She has gone through the "limbo" and everything, until she finally realized, as you put it, "it was all in vain". The thing is, we all go through these things and no matter how much some may tell us we're wasting our time, we just can't bring ourselves to give up. Some, it is in vain. Some, it is not. And those who DO finally take that step away have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing more THEY can do.

Yes, there are good, even great memories. That's what makes walking away hard for some.... and Vi had that same problem.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> LDNTX,
> Vi didn't mean it in that way. She has gone through the same thing herself...well, similar. She has gone through the "limbo" and everything, until she finally realized, as you put it, "it was all in vain". The thing is, we all go through these things and no matter how much some may tell us we're wasting our time, we just can't bring ourselves to give up. Some, it is in vain. Some, it is not. And those who DO finally take that step away have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing more THEY can do.
> 
> Yes, there are good, even great memories. That's what makes walking away hard for some.... and Vi had that same problem.


Yes....this...thank you Maricha 

I'm sorry if I offended you, i did not mean it that way at all...AT ALL!!

I'm not saying give up, throw in the towel...any of that. Only you know what and how much you can tolerate.

But if you are scared to find something more out as it might put you over the edge and you leave...why are you scared? Would you rather not know and continue living like this or finally have some closure on this relationship?

I know you want this to work and you want to save your marriage. You are a very loving, caring person with strong values. But you can only do so much. When will your H step up to the plate? Are the good memories good enough for him to take a shot at saving the marriage? 

I don't think you should give up if he is what you really want. just please don't be so scared of change that you keep yourself in this current state of limbo for years.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

DaggeredHeart is right, you are emotionally overloading right now. You want engagement from this guy so bad you will call, text, whatever to get a response from him. It does not matter whether the engagement is positive or negative as long as he is engaging somehow. You can continue this course of action, but it will only leave you stressed and hurt. I recommend for your own health that you disengage from this behavior.

I recommend a 30 moratorium that you only engage with him for child care, finance or legal matters. No discussions of relationship, blame game, OW, nothing. This is to allow you to alleviate the stress and gain a little perspective. Consult an attorney to see what your legal options are in your state.

If at the end of the 30 days, both parties have a desire to more forward, then look to set up dates. If not then pursue legal actions based on attorneys advice. Dates should not be discussions of failings of the previous relationship, but should be an inroad to a new relationship.

The final 30 days should reintroduce intimacy in various forms. If again both parties are not willing to move forward to legal actions. The end of the 90 day period should include discussions of how to move back to cohabitation and move forward with the relationship.

Try to avoid nonproductive conversations, accusation and blame games. The relationship as you knew it is over, there is no recovery of those times. You now have to decide if you want to create a new relationship or just let it go. There is no shame in letting it go, sometimes there is just too much hurt to be able to trust again. I wish you the best no matter what you decide.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi Letdown, 
Just wanted you to know I'm sending positive energy your way.

I understand you hanging in there. I hope we're doing the right thing by hanging on so tight. Time will tell.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Hi Letdown,
> Just wanted you to know I'm sending positive energy your way.
> 
> I understand you hanging in there. I hope we're doing the right thing by hanging on so tight. Time will tell.


AWWW thank you, good to hear from you!!

Im still hanging. After the blow up on New Years Day and him coming back home the next day acting like nothing ever happened I have started to feel differently. I think something changed in me that day....I think it was for the better.

Time will tell, right 

How have you been?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> AWWW thank you, good to hear from you!!
> 
> Im still hanging. After the blow up on New Years Day and him coming back home the next day acting like nothing ever happened I have started to feel differently. I think something changed in me that day....I think it was for the better.
> 
> ...


Tell us what you're feeling. How do you feel different?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Tell us what you're feeling. How do you feel different?


Its really hard to explain..I just feel like my give damn is busted. I do still love him, I ultimately want to have a happy life with him, I just dont feel the same. I dont seem to care much when he does the little things that used to irritate me or hurt my feelings. When he's not talkative...I dont take it personal, I just find something else to do. When he says or does things that would normally cause me to react...I dont. Its really blowing my mind and I think its blowing his too.

Here's an example: Last night we were driving to the gym. He's been under alot of pressure at work and has been rather quiet all week. The last three nights I have felt very lonely but it didnt affect me the way that it normally would. Last night I said something about how he hadnt had much to say the last few days and that its kinda sad when I look forward to his companionship at night and he's quiet or seems occupied in his mind. He got all pissy saying that "he's sorry he's had alot going on and that he hasnt had much to say but that he's sorry he isnt chatty and doesnt come home talking my head off" (total sarcasm). I said "Its all good, dont worry about it" and he started huffing and puffing saying "no its not all good or you wouldnt have said anything, blah blah blah". Normally I would have reacted differently telling him how I feel and we would have fought and I would have cried eventually over something he said but honestly....it was all good, I didnt even care. I told him how I felt and he can take it for what its worth.

Those sorts of things. I dont know what its called...detachment, maybe?!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is really great news, in my opinion.

You've reached that point of self-preservation where both your mind and heart know that you will survive no matter what. It's all good, so to speak.

I hope this phase sticks. It may be a real turning point for you.

Really good.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Its really hard to explain..I just feel like my give damn is busted. I do still love him, I ultimately want to have a happy life with him, I just dont feel the same. I dont seem to care much when he does the little things that used to irritate me or hurt my feelings. When he's not talkative...I dont take it personal, I just find something else to do. When he says or does things that would normally cause me to react...I dont. Its really blowing my mind and I think its blowing his too.
> 
> Here's an example: Last night we were driving to the gym. He's been under alot of pressure at work and has been rather quiet all week. The last three nights I have felt very lonely but it didnt affect me the way that it normally would. Last night I said something about how he hadnt had much to say the last few days and that its kinda sad when I look forward to his companionship at night and he's quiet or seems occupied in his mind. He got all pissy saying that "he's sorry he's had alot going on and that he hasnt had much to say but that he's sorry he isnt chatty and doesnt come home talking my head off" (total sarcasm). I said "Its all good, dont worry about it" and he started huffing and puffing saying "no its not all good or you wouldnt have said anything, blah blah blah". Normally I would have reacted differently telling him how I feel and we would have fought and I would have cried eventually over something he said but honestly....it was all good, I didnt even care. I told him how I felt and he can take it for what its worth.
> 
> Those sorts of things. I dont know what its called...detachment, maybe?!


I think it is indifference. I reached that point after DD4 and was ready to walk. I didn't care any more at that point. - oh, I still wanted my marriage and family, but it was what it was. I was hurt, but I was tired of the BS and hurting. That's when I strated to find things to let me just deal with what "is", not what "was". Letting go of what happened takes some of the pressure off to deal with the matter at hand. Yes, the triggers will still be there, but they are a biproduct that I don't see any way of getting around. So when triggers happen, I know that they will pass, and then I focus on what is and what is good. I've aready done all that I can to save my marriage. Now I am trying to maintain that. The rest is up to him.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This is really great news, in my opinion.
> 
> You've reached that point of self-preservation where both your mind and heart know that you will survive no matter what. It's all good, so to speak.
> 
> ...


Honestly I hope it sticks too. Im tired of being sad and feeling like I have for the last 5 years.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Honestly I hope it sticks too. Im tired of being sad and feeling like I have for the last 5 years.


Five years of having him call all of the shots for you emotionally! What a waste. Who died and left him the boss of you? Ha!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Five years of having him call all of the shots for you emotionally! What a waste. Who died and left him the boss of you? Ha!


Sadly I allowed him to have that role!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You haven't been ready. Your heart has needed to catch up to your mind. I hope you're ready now.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hey Letdown,

I've read most of your posts and the most telling ones are the ones you post on other peoples threads.
You are clearly a reasonable, intelligent, and attractive woman. The most important one is the reasonable part. Haha! You love your husband, clearly you do. 

The problem is this, until you realize your own self worth you will not draw the line you need to draw, regardless of the love you have for your man you need to have a firm limit on his bad behavior.

I tell my daughter the same thing. You have to fully realize your worth if you want someone else to. She sells herself short and in turn puts up with stuff from guys that she shouldn't.

Your husband, at least subconsciously, doesn't value you because you will put up with his bad behavior to a massive level.

It's the old adage that you get what you pay for so charge more when selling yourself.
You deserve better, you just need to realize it. 

I believe your firm boundary will not be the end of your marriage, it will be the beginning of respect and appreciation for you in your marriage. iMHO


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Hey Letdown,
> 
> I've read most of your posts and the most telling ones are the ones you post on other peoples threads.
> You are clearly a reasonable, intelligent, and attractive woman. The most important one is the reasonable part. Haha! You love your husband, clearly you do.
> ...


Dogman.....thank you!

You are definitely dead on! Im not quite sure how one starts to to feel worthy of something. Its not like I can just tell myself that Im great and wonderful and deserve better. I wouldnt believe it if I told myself. I think Im a good wife, good mother, I think I care about people and will help anyone that needs help and I often put myself on the back burner to care for others. 

This is almost embarrassing to admit but I feel like Im begging to be loved with all of the things that I do for others. My dad never was around to teach me how men should treat you. If your dad doesnt love you then what man will?! My mom was not a great mom, she tried but her best wasnt good enough (and I dont say that to be mean...my brother feels the same way). I went straight from my moms house to my H's house as an 18yo so he's really all I have known. 

I know that you cant base your happiness on others but thats what I find myself doing a lot. Im trying to think differently but it took years to get to where I am now, it wont happen over night.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Dogman.....thank you!
> 
> You are definitely dead on! Im not quite sure how one starts to to feel worthy of something. Its not like I can just tell myself that Im great and wonderful and deserve better. I wouldnt believe it if I told myself. I think Im a good wife, good mother, I think I care about people and will help anyone that needs help and I often put myself on the back burner to care for others.
> 
> ...


It's so hard to know that you cannot see what others see in you. You offer very empathetic advice, are encouraging, warm and funny. Clearly from your picture you are also attractive in a physical sense. 

No one should beg for love or affection in a relationship. This should come as part of the package. I really hope that you find a way to come to a good place for you in this process.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The cliche' that is probably really true is that you need to love yourself first. Your H seems to really love himself, to the point of being very selfish in his M, and looks what it's gotten him? 

A warm, kind loving wife. 

But loving yourself doesn't have to mean that you are selfish like your H.

You already have people in your life who love you. You don't have to beg for it at all. I'm sure that your H is the outlier in showing you love & that is because he is self-absorbed and entitled and you let him indulge those things. 

For me, respecting and loving oneself isn't a switch that gets turned on. It happens over time and then one day you're suddenly strong enough and at peace enough to be able to really be in control of your own future.

From what you write, you sound to me like you're in that process and feeling greater self-worth day by day.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

dogman said:


> Hey Letdown,
> 
> I've read most of your posts and the most telling ones are the ones you post on other peoples threads.
> You are clearly a reasonable, intelligent, and attractive woman. The most important one is the reasonable part. Haha! You love your husband, clearly you do.
> ...


Great advice by dogman. If it helps, I had a really crappy new years too, so your not the only one. Here's one way to look at it: it can only get better?


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Dogman.....thank you!
> 
> You are definitely dead on! Im not quite sure how one starts to to feel worthy of something. Its not like I can just tell myself that Im great and wonderful and deserve better. I wouldnt believe it if I told myself. I think Im a good wife, good mother, I think I care about people and will help anyone that needs help and I often put myself on the back burner to care for others.
> 
> ...


How do you start to realize your own self worth?

Thoughts turn to words, words turn into beliefs, beliefs become your reality. 

Start by thinking only about your positive attributes. Begin to say them aloud. Remind others about your positive attributes. "i can help you with that, im very good with ---------" "Im a positve person" "I enjoy other people and they enjoy my company" Never utter a derogatory word about yourself. 

When you put something out there negative about yourself it becomes real. When you let someone else put a negative thing out there about you it becomes real.

Anything I see that has value I defend. Start to defend yourself because you know you are valuable. Not just physically but emotionally. 

Start to set the price for time with you higher. Not just anyone is allowed time with the president because he has value. Don't let someone who doesn't value time with you to have time with you. NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM.

You have to do this because you cannot convince someone to see how great you are, when you don't see how great you are. The truth is you are special, many here have seen it and commented on it. If we can see it, it's there, if it's there, you can find it.

Do you see what I mean?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

dogman said:


> How do you start to realize your own self worth?
> 
> Thoughts turn to words, words turn into beliefs, beliefs become your reality.
> 
> ...


Great advice!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> It's so hard to know that you cannot see what others see in you. You offer very empathetic advice, are encouraging, warm and funny. Clearly from your picture you are also attractive in a physical sense.
> 
> No one should beg for love or affection in a relationship. This should come as part of the package. I really hope that you find a way to come to a good place for you in this process.


I do think my husband loves me, I just think he shows it differently and that is where I have a hard time. We are not rich, we have what we need and we enjoy our life so its not the THINGS that keep him here, right? It has to be me? I just feel like if you love someone you show them, you dont make them wonder. Maybe in his mind he is showing me that but I just dont think its enough...considering.....

Do I expect too much?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Do I expect too much?


Your H had a long-term A and left you to live with the OW. He's come back but refuses to allow you any emotional security. He won't put your mind at ease about whether he's still secretly fooling around with her. You do NOT expect too much.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> How do you start to realize your own self worth?
> 
> Thoughts turn to words, words turn into beliefs, beliefs become your reality.
> 
> ...


Yes I totally see what you mean. Makes perfect sense!

Ive based my opinion of myself off of the things that have happened to me, or have been said to me. I work at home, so I have limited contact with people on the outside. I think being home working and being a mom I never really discovered who or what I am besides a wife and mom. Anyone can be a good wife and mom, why does that make me special?! I feel lost sometimes but Ive been really trying hard to find the things within myself that you talk about.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I do think my husband loves me, I just think he shows it differently and that is where I have a hard time. We are not rich, we have what we need and we enjoy our life so its not the THINGS that keep him here, right? It has to be me? I just feel like if you love someone you show them, you dont make them wonder. Maybe in his mind he is showing me that but I just dont think its enough...considering.....
> 
> *Do I expect too much?*


Is it expecting too much to be respected by your husband? no

Is it expecting too much for your husband to be honest to you? no

Is it expecting too much for him to not engage with other women? no

Is it expecting too much to be loved? no

I don't think you expect too much from a husband. But you may be expecting too much from him. He just may not be able to give you those things. That is where your self worth and respect comes in. B/c you are worth those things that you "expect"!!!!! 

You just have to decide when you will allow yourself to have those things that you DESERVE.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Your H had a long-term A and left you to live with the OW. He's come back but refuses to allow you any emotional security. He won't put your mind at ease about whether he's still secretly fooling around with her. You do NOT expect too much.


I dont feel that I do either but considering who he is, and knowing how he handles things maybe Im asking for too much from him, where it wouldnt be too much for someone else?

That I think it partly why I have started feeling differently lately. I either have to accept him for the way that he is or I have to move on. Im not sure I can do either.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Is it expecting too much to be respected by your husband? no
> 
> Is it expecting too much for your husband to be honest to you? no
> 
> ...


I just said something similar, just didn't word it so well!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I just said something similar, just didn't word it so well!


Ha yes, I saw it after I posted my reply  

That is definitely something you will have to explore. If you can accept him for him or if you need more than that. 

I hope you decide that you need more. B/c there are a ton of men out there who deserve a good woman like you. I really don't think your H deserves you. I know he certainly doesn't appreciate you.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I do think my husband loves me, I just think he shows it differently and that is where I have a hard time. We are not rich, we have what we need and we enjoy our life so its not the THINGS that keep him here, right? It has to be me? I just feel like if you love someone you show them, you dont make them wonder. Maybe in his mind he is showing me that but I just dont think its enough...considering.....
> 
> Do I expect too much?


You don't expect too much. I fear you expect too little. This man took actions to hurt you and your family very deeply. Asking for him to demonstrate his commitment to you and his love for you is the minimum of what he should be doing without question.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LetDownNTX said:


> Those sorts of things. I dont know what its called...detachment, maybe?!


 Detachment is the last step toward apathy (and divorce).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont feel that I do either but considering who he is, and knowing how he handles things maybe Im asking for too much from him, where it wouldnt be too much for someone else?


That's not what you should be considering. 

You should be considering whether what he IS capable of is enough for YOU. Different people are willing to put different amounts of 'work' into a marriage. You may have just chosen one who won't put much.

Is that all you want?


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Yes I totally see what you mean. Makes perfect sense!
> 
> Ive based my opinion of myself off of the things that have happened to me, or have been said to me. I work at home, so I have limited contact with people on the outside. I think being home working and being a mom I never really discovered who or what I am besides a wife and mom. Anyone can be a good wife and mom, why does that make me special?! I feel lost sometimes but Ive been really trying hard to find the things within myself that you talk about.


Yeah, there's lots of good mothers and wives, but that's not what I mean. 
You know not everyone has the compassion you have. It's actually kinda rare.
Your fiercely loyal.
You are kind, more than the average person.
You are trusting.
You are Intelligent
You are self sacrificing 

Because of these traits......

If you worked outside the home 
...you would be outstanding
...you would be popular
...you would be sought after
...you would get hit on.
....your confidence would increase

I'm not saying to work outside the home. I'm saying it's positive feedback that you should know is out there if you were out there.

It's a common pitfall of being a mom and not interacting with others enough. Your biggest interaction is with someone who doesn't appreciate any of this.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Hello All,

Kinda crazy that its been almost a full year since I posted this. Some things have changed, some have not.

After being a stay at home mom and daycare provider for 17 years I decided to go back to school and finish up my accounting degree. I started that in October and am still working at it. Shortly before I was set to start school I decided to get out of the house and go back to work.....it was financially motivated. I looked for one week and landed a great job that I love! Pretty amazing considering I had nothing to put on my resume for the last 17 years. I was definitely blessed to find this job.

Crazy part of my job...Im the only girl here daily. There is a book keeper but she works from home and only comes in a day or two a week for a few hours. Otherwise it is just me. I have really enjoyed working with all of the people that I work with.
My husband makes occasional comments about me working at a "sausage factory" and asks if men hit on me, etc. He hasnt asked in a month or so but the first couple of months were ridiculous.

Things with him havent greatly improved. We do get along, enjoy each other most of the time and I honestly dont think he is doing anything BUT there is always that doubt there and I need more from him that Im not getting to get to a more secure place. I dont know if we will make it or not..sometimes I want to and others I just want this feeling to go away and think the only way that might ever happen is if he goes away too.

Right now I have my mind focused on working and going to school and working out, that along with 3 kids keeps me pretty busy and it helps me keep my mind off of everything that has happened.

Am I totally happy? NO!! Will I ever be? I dont know! This has definitely changed me!!

Hope all of you are doing well. I had to stop reading for a while because it was just too hard trying to keep up and deal with my own drama. It seemed to open up alot of feelings that I didnt have time to deal with. Not that I have time now but I just missed everyone and wanted to say HI.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

LDT thanks for the update. Glad things are improving. Congrats on the job. When will you finish school. Any goals after that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Workindad, it'll probably take me another year to finish. I'd love to find a job in the accounting field but by that time maybe my job here will pay more and I wont want to leave


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Good to hear from you keep going to school its worth it in the end and oh ya happy New year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Great! 

You're finding your stride - be bold.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sounds like progress on many fronts. Good luck LDT. You have suffered a great deal. 

Getting financially on your feet and finishing up your education is really going to do wonders for you. Keep it up.

:smthumbup:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good for you! School and work - it sounds like it has been a very productive year for you, and all to the good.

Happy New Year, LetDown. I'm wishing you a very productive year to come.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Accounting? Barf. lol If you look at job satisfaction, accounting is one of the top jobs. I would rather blow my brains out then do accounting but those that do accounting as a career love it.

Thanks for the update.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

2014 will be grrreeeaat!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Glad things are going so well for you! :smthumbup:


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