# Another EA time to call it a day?



## Mrs_C (May 2, 2012)

Hi, I have been a long time lurker since my husband had an EA in 2012. And I find myself here again..
Very long back story this is the condensed version
Husband had a loveless upbringing with his parents, which in turn led to a very strained relationship in his adult years. I had a wonderful childhood. I have HUGE trust issues with men, due to the fact that I was raped by a trusted work colleague at 18 years old. Thankfully he was interrupted and did not have the chance to murder me. (Items found in his car). I had a few serious relationships through the years but they never felt right. I met my husband in 2008 and I knew I wanted to marry him after a few months. I thought that the age difference might be a problem ( I am 8 years older than him currently 44 to his 36), but it never has been. 
We were married in 2010 and had our wonderful son later on that year. In 2012 he had serious back problems due to a car crash he had when he was 19, and was off sick from work for almost a year. He drifted into depression, had an EA with someone he met through Facebook. He tired to kill himself and was sectioned in hospital. I forgave him. We battled through. It got better, made us stronger. Last year his father passed away and they were estranged from each other. I adored his father, I used to visit him as much as I could, he never asked me to stop seeing his father as he knew how close me and our son were to him. I was there when the decision to turn the life support machine was made and held his hand as he slipped away. This was in April last year. In October last year my beloved father lost his battle with cancer. It was made all the more worse by the fact that 2 of his brothers died the same week, 3 of them 6 days, my family was consumed with grief. So about 6 weeks ago my husband had been going for tests as 
He has not been well, we are waiting to find out if he has bowel cancer. Then last night, on Facebook I found out that he had met up with a woman he made friends with in our local shop. She no longer works there though. They have been sending each other messages which are mainly friendly but there were quite a few sexually explicit ones as well. I am just shattered. I thought we had moved on, but obviously not. I need some advice, I love him and I just can't abandon him but I want to punch him in the face, a lot. After everything we have been through how could he do this to me? He has since deleted his Facebook account and swears that he wants to try again. I have no idea what I want. I don't want to make a decision that could ruin our lives. Our son is only 5 and adores his father. My wh has no friends or family to turn to. I would really appreciate some advice as my head is spinning. Thank you x
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Ugh...so sorry you are here...and OMG sorry you went through a rape that could have ended your life??!!!! Good God. 

Sounds like your H has some serious issues to work through. It is disturbing that it seems like when he starts having problems, depression, etc. that he turns to other women instead of coming to you or going to counseling. Will he go to marriage counseling with you? 

If you decide to stay with him, you need to set boundaries...which you may have already. Then if he continues to cross those boundaries...there are consequences set by you that you need to enforce. Draw the line in the sand and stick to it. If he continues to be a serial cheater...then you have your answer and you need to get out.


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## Mrs_C (May 2, 2012)

He went to counselling himself after he tried to commit suicide which helped him a lot. I think that he may need to return as I'm pretty sure he won't manage marriage counselling. I don't know if I want to try again, we had all the boundaries in place last time and he never crossed them once, until now. I love him, but I don't know if I can walk back down this path again. He keeps all of his emotions very close to his chest, he never talks about "feelings" as he was never allowed to as a child. However he is a very good father, very affectionate to our son, he also has a 12 year old from a previous relationship. He doesn't see him as much as he would like as they live quite far away. He feels guilt over this as well, but he provides for his son financially as well as emotionally, when we have him to stay they have a special day out just the two of them. Even though I still have issues with my past, I try to ensure that the choices and decisions I make don't have a negative impact on anyone else, despite how much my heart screams otherwise. 
Why can't he see how much damage this does to his family? 

I swore he would get one more chance last time, if I decide to carry on with the marriage will that not make me look like a doormat willing to forgive him time after time? 

So many hard decisions to make...


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Hun, I'm so sorry for you.

Since you were gracious enough to offer the condensed version of what is undoubtedly a longer and more tortured version, I'll do the same. And if you want the full length version of my thoughts, I'm happy to oblige.

You shouldn't leave him.

You have issues with trust in general and men in particular that pre date your marriage. He has something's as well. As an aside, I don't subscribe to this psychobabble about "EA"....one is either faithful or one isn't..getting laid isn't so much binary in determining what "Type" of infidelity it is, rather it is yet another level or behavior of infidelity. So, the real q there is did your husband LOVE this other woman, or was he just hanging out or needing attention with her? But I digress...


When folks have unresolved issues, they don't go away, but rather remain dormant, like a virus, waiting for an opportune time time to resurface and wreak emotional havoc. Your response to him now sounds like a bit of that.

He has cancer. You have a young son. You don't know what the future holds for him, but at the very least, it is drastically changed. You don't want to do something based on accumulated *Stuff*. You want to rationally separate that from the present.

I'd set some boundaries here and explain why. If that feels unsatisfactory to you, you should go to therapy and finally resolve all those issues from this relationship and all the stuff that pre date it. But this isn't the time to smack him or otherwise do things you'll likely regret in the future. There's time for that, but not just yet.


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## Mrs_C (May 2, 2012)

I don't want to leave him. First of all, I love him. Secondly I have no intention of abandoning him when he needs me the most, we will get through the cancer. I just can't get over how he had to turn to other women when he has issues. He doesn't really see how this destroys me inside. I know that later when I go through everything with him, he will try and deny most of my accusations (of which I have proof) and he will absolutely not admit to meeting up with her. This is where I suppose my real problem lies. How do I get him to be honest and truthful? I know that if he tells me the truth he thinks I will leave. But it's the not knowing exactly what has happened that is eating away at me. I suppose I just want the truth so then we can deal with it and try to move on. Any advice on getting the whole picture so I can process things logically? And no, I would never resort to physical violence, it's just my emotions I guess. I am assuming it was an ea as I have no proof of it being a pa, other than the messages saying that they should meet up again.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Mrs_C said:


> I don't want to leave him. First of all, I love him. Secondly I have no intention of abandoning him when he needs me the most, we will get through the cancer. I just can't get over how he had to turn to other women when he has issues. He doesn't really see how this destroys me inside. I know that later when I go through everything with him, he will try and deny most of my accusations (of which I have proof) and he will absolutely not admit to meeting up with her. This is where I suppose my real problem lies. How do I get him to be honest and truthful? I know that if he tells me the truth he thinks I will leave. But it's the not knowing exactly what has happened that is eating away at me. I suppose I just want the truth so then we can deal with it and try to move on. Any advice on getting the whole picture so I can process things logically? And no, I would never resort to physical violence, it's just my emotions I guess. I am assuming it was an ea as I have no proof of it being a pa, other than the messages saying that they should meet up again.



hun, re read my post!

You don't know what he was doing with the other woman. Wait, let's take that back, b/c "Other woman" is judgmental. And we just don't have enough info for that. 

She's a person, we don't know what he was doing with that person. Right now, he was talking to another person. 

How much of this is you and your sensitivity which pre dates him altogther, and how much of this is him is undetermined. 

You can jump into the rabbit hole of "Finding out", or you can get some therpay to address your own issues here and also set some boundaries with him. The issue is reassurance this won't turn into something.

There's enough going on right now, you don't need to make yourself crazier.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Mrs_C said:


> I don't want to leave him. First of all, I love him. Secondly I have no intention of abandoning him when he needs me the most, we will get through the cancer. I just can't get over how he had to turn to other women when he has issues. He doesn't really see how this destroys me inside. I know that later when I go through everything with him, he will try and deny most of my accusations (of which I have proof) and he will absolutely not admit to meeting up with her. This is where I suppose my real problem lies. How do I get him to be honest and truthful? I know that if he tells me the truth he thinks I will leave. But it's the not knowing exactly what has happened that is eating away at me. I suppose I just want the truth so then we can deal with it and try to move on. Any advice on getting the whole picture so I can process things logically? And no, I would never resort to physical violence, it's just my emotions I guess. I am assuming it was an ea as I have no proof of it being a pa, other than the messages saying that they should meet up again.


Leaving him should be a choice you consider. You may not want to, but it may be what's best for you.

Considering that he was having sexually explicit chats with this woman, then went and met with her. You need to consider this may have went physical. 

I also find it odd he got suicidal after you caught his first EA. Unless he is very fragile emotionally, you may want to consider you don't have all the facts from his first affair. 

Truth is important in your ability to move forward in a healthy way. Without it, you will have linger doubts. Things that don't add up will trigger feelings of doubt and anger. Even if that truth is difficult, or much worse than you expected, it's important to a 'real' reconciliation.

So, focus on that for now. Finding our the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth. Cheaters lie. He will like by minimizing what happened. He will lie by omission. He will lie by burying you with meaningless details until you are too exhausted to listen. 

When he runs out of lies, he will start to blame you. He will try to shift his blame and shame onto you. Don't let him. This is where being willing to leave the relationship is important. When he does this, ask him to get out. Or leave yourself.

Consult a lawyer. See what your options are. Plan out what a divorce would look like. Where would you live, custody of your child and income level. Having an exit plan will help bolster your confidence. Even if you don't actually follow through and leave. Understanding you can, and that you'll be fine will bring you peace.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Do some research on codependency my friend.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read Acoa's post over and over until you internalize it! EXCELLENT advice.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Mrs_C said:


> I don't want to leave him. First of all, I love him. Secondly I have no intention of abandoning him when he needs me the most, we will get through the cancer. I just can't get over how he had to turn to other women when he has issues. He doesn't really see how this destroys me inside. I know that later when I go through everything with him, he will try and deny most of my accusations (of which I have proof) and he will absolutely not admit to meeting up with her. This is where I suppose my real problem lies. How do I get him to be honest and truthful? I know that if he tells me the truth he thinks I will leave. But it's the not knowing exactly what has happened that is eating away at me. I suppose I just want the truth so then we can deal with it and try to move on. Any advice on getting the whole picture so I can process things logically? And no, I would never resort to physical violence, it's just my emotions I guess. I am assuming it was an ea as I have no proof of it being a pa, other than the messages saying that they should meet up again.


Don't tell him but show him you are gone if he doesn't come clean. I understand not leaving him with the health problems he is having. But when they are fixed and he is better. You need to do what is best for you and your son. 

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mrs_C said:


> I don't want to leave him. First of all, I love him. Secondly I have no intention of abandoning him when he needs me the most, we will get through the cancer. I just can't get over how he had to turn to other women when he has issues. He doesn't really see how this destroys me inside. I know that later when I go through everything with him, he will try and deny most of my accusations (of which I have proof) and he will absolutely not admit to meeting up with her. This is where I suppose my real problem lies. How do I get him to be honest and truthful? I know that if he tells me the truth he thinks I will leave. But it's the not knowing exactly what has happened that is eating away at me. I suppose I just want the truth so then we can deal with it and try to move on. Any advice on getting the whole picture so I can process things logically? And no, I would never resort to physical violence, it's just my emotions I guess. I am assuming it was an ea as I have no proof of it being a pa, other than the messages saying that they should meet up again.


I'm sorry this is happening, all of it. 
Would you strongly consider leaving him if he didn't have cancer?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Did he get help for his suicidal thoughts?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Mrs_C said:


> I need some advice, I love him and I just can't abandon him but I want to punch him in the face, a lot. After everything we have been through how could he do this to me?


Mrs_C. You have been through a tremendous amount of hurt and stress. I am very sorry for everything you have, and are experiencing. Kudos to you for your strength in carrying on.

My advice is mostly aligned with Unicus. I don't think now is a good time to be making decisions about your relationship. Your H is vulnerable and, as much as it hurts, I think you need to cut him some slack. Tell him his actions are hurting you, yes, but keep it in the perspective of his illness.

My advice, right now, is to do nothing but take deep long breaths. Remember "when emotions go up, intellect goes down". Noone ever made a good, major life decision under the amount of stress you are right now.

Take care of yourself and each other. Post back when you know the results or need to vent, which can be helpful by itself without any further action.


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