# Confronting my husband about possible Mental Illness



## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

I believe that my husband of 19 years is suffering from some mental issues, and that until we resolve this, we cannot move forward with fixing the other things wrong with our marriage. I am hoping for some advice, on confronting him, because I know if I don't do it correctly, I will be met with denial and shutdown in communication, or he will react in anger, and the discussion will be closed down. 

Mental Illness runs in his family. I never noticed anything the first half of our marriage, but I think his mom must have, because for years, she tried convincing him to take anti-depressants and of course he refused and did not agree he was depressed. Things have gotten really bad with him the last few years. I am not a doctor, but from my research, I think he is suffering from Bi-polar disease and possibly physcosis. and it is affecting both our marriage and his life.

Now, his mom was a Phychiatric Nurse for her career (retired now), so she is very well versed in mental illness. I have been wanting to reach out to her, to discuss what is happening with her son, but I have not because I know that she will be extremely worried about him. And I also feel, that my husband would be angry at me for contacting her. Also, his brother just died this year, and although he died of natural causes, I know it was his mental illness that killed him early...living on the streets, taking drugs, alcohol, he never ate proper meals etc. So contacting his mom now, she might be even more worried. I don't know! 

So that is one question: Should I involve/speak with his mom before I confront him?

My other question is, should be better prepared with documented proof? because I know he will not believe me. Should I document his moods/actions for a few weeks or longer before I confront him, so I can say "these things are why I am concerned" and if he denies, I can maybe ask specifically about his actions on certain days?

And if some people are wondering why I haven't done anything before, it's a scary thing for me to do. I get very scared when he gets angry. Being on this forum has given me some courage to try and do this. And I am hoping someone, might have even been through this exact situation, confronting someone so I can know better what to expect.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

-Molly- said:


> I believe that my husband of 19 years is suffering from some mental issues, and that until we resolve this, we cannot move forward with fixing the other things wrong with our marriage. I am hoping for some advice, on confronting him, because I know if I don't do it correctly, I will be met with denial and shutdown in communication, or he will react in anger, and the discussion will be closed down.
> 
> Mental Illness runs in his family. I never noticed anything the first half of our marriage, but I think his mom must have, because for years, she tried convincing him to take anti-depressants and of course he refused and did not agree he was depressed. Things have gotten really bad with him the last few years. I am not a doctor, but from my research, I think he is suffering from Bi-polar disease and possibly physcosis. and it is affecting both our marriage and his life.
> 
> ...


Molly you can’t pour from an empty cup.
What I mean is you have to look after yourself first and foremost, and if you are worried about your wellbeing then it may be time to remove yourself from this situation.If you think he could get physical then under no circumstances should you either confront or stage some sort of intervention without others present.
I think you should consider contacting his mother,she is a psychiatric nurse and at the very least will know who you should get in touch with regarding your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@-Molly-

Do you have children with him? If so how old are your children?

How is this 'mental illness' affecting his live? Can he hold down a job? Is he anger and/violent? Is he using illegal drugs to self medicate?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What are his symptoms?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Personally, having been in your shoes for a 20 year marriage to someone that sounds very similar to your husband, my advice would be to get help ASAP. I didn't ask for enough help, soon enough. If I had, I feel I may have lasted longer in the marriage and wouldn't have had to put my kids through a divorce at the rough ages they were at. I simply could no longer help him and had run out of the strength to do so. Yet, I let everyone in our lives, including our children, believe everything was fine. Out of respect for my husband, and not wanting to betray him by talking about him to others. Ultimately, I know now that he certainly would have preferred it over losing me and our life we had built...especially if it could have saved us, or at least prolonged us long enough to get the kids raised. It would be the much lesser of two evils.

If your MIL is well versed in this, I would reach out to her. Especially if you get along well and she is a great person. Tell her the symptoms rather than starting out saying what you think it is. Approaching a parent for advice is many times a very good thing. If one of my children were struggling with this I would certainly want to know, wouldn't you?

Welcome to TAM, and I hope things can improve for you.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Personally, having been in your shoes for a 20 year marriage to someone that sounds very similar to your husband, my advice would be to get help ASAP. I didn't ask for enough help, soon enough. If I had, I feel I may have lasted longer in the marriage and wouldn't have had to put my kids through a divorce at the rough ages they were at. I simply could no longer help him and had run out of the strength to do so. Yet, I let everyone in our lives, including our children, believe everything was fine. Out of respect for my husband, and not wanting to betray him by talking about him to others. Ultimately, I know now that he certainly would have preferred it over losing me and our life we had built...especially if it could have saved us, or at least prolonged us long enough to get the kids raised. It would be the much lesser of two evils.
> 
> If your MIL is well versed in this, I would reach out to her. Especially if you get along well and she is a great person. Tell her the symptoms rather than starting out saying what you think it is. Approaching a parent for advice is many times a very good thing. If one of my children were struggling with this I would certainly want to know, wouldn't you?
> 
> Welcome to TAM, and I hope things can improve for you.


Yes! That's exatly how I feel - that I am betraying him if I talk to others about him, and I pretend everything is fine. I recently...maybe 2 months ago, starting telling my mom bits and pieces, saying I was concerned he might be suffering from a mental illness. I mostly told her, because I was hoping she might start noticing things if she is aware to watch, plus it felt good to tell someone. But even her, I really downplayed it and didn't tell her everything, not even close.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> @-Molly-
> 
> Do you have children with him? If so how old are your children?
> 
> How is this 'mental illness' affecting his live? Can he hold down a job? Is he anger and/violent? Is he using illegal drugs to self medicate?



No children and thankfully no drugs or alcohol.

He can hold a job down as far as he is never unemployed but he moves jobs all the time because he ends up having conflicts with his bosses and other employees. Even now his current job, he has been fighting with his manager and some of the people at his workplace and he came home last night with another job offer, he's been looking. I guess it's good, because i have had a few sleepless night recently because after he told me about some of the things he said to his boss/fellow employees, I was sure he was going to be fired.

The things he gets upset about are so unreasonable too. This job, he's been upset about the way they do their paperwork, and their processes. I tried to tell him, that's the way they do it...you have to as well. you can't argue and get mad at them because you think it's inefficient and should be changed. There's more, but that's just an example.

And it seems every workplace, he has a problem with the people. It seems he never likes anyone, always has something to complain about. I have tried to tell him, no matter what workplace you are in, there will always be people you may not like. You have to learn to deal with it, to be able to "work" with them. Doesn't mean you have to like them. But he doesn't listen to anything I say. literally. Sometimes I don't even bother, I just listen to him complain. because times when I try to help, he either doesn't listen...just keeps talking over me, or argues back at me because he doesn't like what I said and gets angry at me. Of course there are times, when some of his complaints may be legitamate, and his coworkers shouldn't have talked to him the way they did...but I think it's because he has put them on the defensive, so they react as such.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Molly you can’t pour from an empty cup.
> What I mean is you have to look after yourself first and foremost, and if you are worried about your wellbeing then it may be time to remove yourself from this situation.If you think he could get physical then under no circumstances should you either confront or stage some sort of intervention without others present.
> I think you should consider contacting his mother,she is a psychiatric nurse and at the very least will know who you should get in touch with regarding your husband.


He has never physically touched me the whole time we have been together, so I think I am safe there. if he reaches that point, he takes off to cool down. but I like your idea to have others present, I never thought of that. His mom, unfortunately is far away, but I could involve my mom for support. And his reaction would be different with someone else there as he would hold back. So it seems, I really should be talking to his mother and involving my mom more in this.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> What are his symptoms?



I hope I can put them all down without rattling too much. I'm not very good at explaining things.

He for sure cycles with high and lows. Since I started watching, his average cycle from highs to lows in on average 3 weeks. but it's not consistent, I have seen him be on a high for as long as 6 weeks, and lows..cycling every few days for over a month. When he is on a high, it's like the he's the king of the world. and non stop chatter, I can't get a word in and I even get headaches from him talking so much. And he repeats things non stop, he will tell me the same story literally 5 times over in the same night. Even if I tell him, you've already told me, he continues to tell the story again. But it's all superficial things, I mean by that, just because he's being talkative, I wouldn't be able to discuss our relationship for example because it would be either in one ear, out the other, or he would just shutdown and become quiet. 

When he is on a low, he is extremely moody, I walk on eggshells, anything could set him off. He will go to sleep at 7pm and not wake up then next day until 11am. If it's during a work week, he is usually either late for work, or gets up with just 5 minutes to get ready, he has a very hard time waking up. His alarm will be going for 2 hours, he just keeps hitting snooze. (very annoying! lol) And he is extremely unrational in his thinking, and so many things he says make absolutely no sense. 

In general...and these things i have not documented to see if there is any relation to his cycles, I haven't noticed any yet:

His outlook is always. negative. He's the "glass is half empty" guy. Even with this new job offer he got, he's on a high right now, but he's already making plans to secure his position there in case he gets fired if in 2 years from now things have changed with the company sales and revenues are down. I keep telling him, you can't assume your going to get fired! or that the office will close! And if that were to happen, we will deal with it then. But he can't see that.

Sometimes he takes a complete 180 in his attitude. He will be in a good mood, everything is great, and then I don't know what happens, it's like a switch got turned on, and he becomes so grumpy and moody, sometimes outright angry.

In general, he is seething with anger. Even if he is in a good mood, I can see it below the surface.

He very often, is blank. I hope I can explain this. It's like he's not present. You look into his eyes, and they are just dead. no one's there. 2 times this week, I had a discussion with him, he spoke back to me, was involved in the conversation. The next day, all of a sudden he is shocked by these new things, like it's the first time he heard about it. I am thinking how we spoke of this yesterday! I am always shocked to have him have a discussion with me, because mostly when I talk, he says nothing back. I mean literally. I am met with silence. For example, our dog is old, she is suffering. I have, over the past few months, keep saying to him " we need to look at putting her down" Nothing. zippo. silence. I can't even just say "I don't feel like talking about this, or I am not ready" just nothing.

He flip flops on his thoughts, to the extreme. For example, he will literally come home and say, he wants to get a job as a cleaner, no stress, just work. He doesn't care that it's minimum wage. The next day, he comes home, he says he wants to apply for this job that is very well paid because we need the money. He doesn't care that it will be stressful.

Finances. ugh. I cannot get him to be responsible. We always end up in overdraft or I have to pull money from our saving accounts to supplement our main account. I tried, to put him on an allowance, $100 per week, pull it out in cash and budget. He did it once. but that same time he did it, he continued to use our bank card for spending. I try to tell him to space his purchases out...like he is fixing a vehicle, buy some parts this paycheck, then more the following paycheck. He buys it all at once. leaves us $40 in the bank account for a whole week and i needed to buy groceries. But it's my fault, he gets angry at me that there is no money.

He is like a kid (as far as I know, since I don't have any!) when it comes to home life. He makes messes everywhere, it's insane. He is completely disrespectful that I have to clean this. He has thrown temper tantrums if he has to mow the lawn. He likes to just sit on the couch and surf the internet and watch TV although he keeps saying he wants to get rid of the TV. (which makes no sense) 

Another thing, not sure if this is a "symptom" he really for some reason, has gotten into old things, antiques, saying he wants to live in the 50s. And some things are irrational, like him buying an antique pair of wooden skis that were meant as a wall ornament and trying to ski with them. He doesn't want the new style, he wants the old. It's just really out of character from the man I met...and it's actually eased off a bit, but for awhile, it was really hardcore, he even wanted to buy old clothing from the used store, I was able to stop him from doing that.

That's all I can think of right now. I am sorry my posts were so long.

oops, I forgot some very important ones: he completely lacks empathy, he does not show any emotion and he enjoys causing suffering to others including me.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

That is wonderful if your MIL is supportive and perhaps urge him to get help. And it's great to think about how to approach him as it can be a sensitive subject. 

I did it wrong as I kept on him about what I was researching ( I thought ADHD)-- anger, can't relate to others, doesn't sleep much, worried all the time big or small, etc.. I would talk to him if he could stand it or even emails about what I thought and forwarding information. I thought this was good!! But soon he became defensive and in denial. I then took a different approach thru marriage counseling with a male so that maybe he would be more comfortable with a male. We went a few times until he said 'no more'. I then managed to get him to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with anxiety and he tried the prescriptions. He was a dream--relaxed, conversations, laughter... Marriage was really easy and it just felt right!! Then out of the blue he didn't want to continue the meds so he was back to his miserable angry self which is too bad. 

But this is why you need to carefully approach this. In Dec and again in June I did speak with my in-laws on the subject but they were no help and just basically told me to let him be. They don't believe in counseling or meds. I have been in counseling myself because it is frustrating-- I am learning just to take care of myself, kids, house, etc.. This is all I can do. I also make sure to get out with family/friends for some fun and laughter even if he makes me feel guilty. My BP is slowing going up so I need to nip this in the bud or figure out why--perhaps it's him being stressed out all the time. Take care and best of luck!! At least you have his mom on your side!!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Molly, I agree with you that you're describing classic traits of bipolar-1. The average age of onset for bipolar is 25, which means half of the bipolar sufferers start exhibiting symptoms when they are older than 25. Onset can occur at any age. When it begins at 50 years old or later it is called "late onset bipolar disorder." Between 5 and 10 percent of people with bipolar disorder will be at least 50 when they first show symptoms of mania or hypomania.

Given that the seething anger is always there under the surface -- even when he's in a good mood -- I agree with you that it sounds like your H may have a comorbid disorder that would explain why the anger is always present. My experience with bipolar-1 (in my foster son) is that the anger changes with the moods.

I therefore agree with the other respondents that you're going to need all the help/advice you can get and thus should contact his mother. It likely will be very difficult to get him to see a psychiatrist and, if he does, it likely will be difficult to get him to stay on the prescribed medication. 

With my foster son, there were many periods when I could not reason with him at all. I therefore had to wait until his mania became so strong that it transformed into psychosis, at which time his behavior was so strange that I knew I could call the police and get him taken to the ER for admission.

I'm so sorry that you two are having to deal with this. I wish you both the very best outcome.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> That is wonderful if your MIL is supportive and perhaps urge him to get help. And it's great to think about how to approach him as it can be a sensitive subject.
> 
> I did it wrong as I kept on him about what I was researching ( I thought ADHD)-- anger, can't relate to others, doesn't sleep much, worried all the time big or small, etc.. I would talk to him if he could stand it or even emails about what I thought and forwarding information. I thought this was good!! But soon he became defensive and in denial. I then took a different approach thru marriage counseling with a male so that maybe he would be more comfortable with a male. We went a few times until he said 'no more'. I then managed to get him to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with anxiety and he tried the prescriptions. He was a dream--relaxed, conversations, laughter... Marriage was really easy and it just felt right!! Then out of the blue he didn't want to continue the meds so he was back to his miserable angry self which is too bad.
> 
> But this is why you need to carefully approach this. In Dec and again in June I did speak with my in-laws on the subject but they were no help and just basically told me to let him be. They don't believe in counseling or meds. I have been in counseling myself because it is frustrating-- I am learning just to take care of myself, kids, house, etc.. This is all I can do. I also make sure to get out with family/friends for some fun and laughter even if he makes me feel guilty. My BP is slowing going up so I need to nip this in the bud or figure out why--perhaps it's him being stressed out all the time. Take care and best of luck!! At least you have his mom on your side!!


I am so sorry to hear he went off his medication!  I hear that so often. 



Uptown said:


> Molly, I agree with you that you're describing classic traits of bipolar-1. The average age of onset for bipolar is 25, which means half of the bipolar sufferers start exhibiting symptoms when they are older than 25. Onset can occur at any age. When it begins at 50 years old or later it is called "late onset bipolar disorder." Between 5 and 10 percent of people with bipolar disorder will be at least 50 when they first show symptoms of mania or hypomania.
> 
> Given that the seething anger is always there under the surface -- even when he's in a good mood -- I agree with you that it sounds like your H may have a comorbid disorder that would explain why the anger is always present. My experience with bipolar-1 (in my foster son) is that the anger changes with the moods.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that is excellent information for me. His brother had phyhscotic episodes. I have not seen my husband have one, but there have been times where he was so upset, he left home, didn't come back for hours, or sometimes the next day. A few times when he finally came home, he looked like he went through hell and back. completely disheveled, but will not speak of where he went or what he did. Perhaps he had some episodes when I have not been around.

I guess now, everything sits until I can speak with my mom and his and try confronting him. In the meantime, I don't know if I can discuss any of our other problems on the forum? I mean, if some of our problems are caused by the illness...I might over react? For example, i think he might possibly be cheating, but maybe he is secretive about things because his illness??


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> I guess now, everything sits until I can speak with my mom and his and try confronting him. In the meantime, I don't know if I can discuss any of our other problems on the forum? I mean, if some of our problems are caused by the illness...I might over react? For example, i think he might possibly be cheating, but maybe he is secretive about things because his illness??



I wanted to give an example... he is always texting, he says with his friends. but he never lets me see his phone, he always angles it away, or will stop when I am close by. Earlier, when I was explaining his symptoms, I said how it's like he has a switch. Well, many times, he will be sitting there texting with someone, then all of a sudden he gets grumpy and mad, or upset (I "jokingly" think to myself he must have just had an arguement with his girlfriend) because who gets angry or upset texting with friends?? or is this his illness and his "switch" actually went off??


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> I wanted to give an example... he is always texting, he says with his friends. but he never lets me see his phone, he always angles it away, or will stop when I am close by. Earlier, when I was explaining his symptoms, I said how it's like he has a switch. Well, many times, he will be sitting there texting with someone, then all of a sudden he gets grumpy and mad, or upset (I "jokingly" think to myself he must have just had an arguement with his girlfriend) because who gets angry or upset texting with friends?? or is this his illness and his "switch" actually went off??


Without telling him, you can log into your cell provider account and then see which numbers he's texting. Then google the number comes up the most. That will show the name it's connected to. Then google the name and you can see their social media. This doesn't work though if he has an iphone and the person he texting also has an iphone, because the number won't appear - at least when I searched, maybe it's changed now. If ends up being a guy friend you can put your mind at ease at least on that part, and you didn't have to talk to him or ask him about it. I only suggest this in case you might be worried about asking him who he's texting.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

azimuth said:


> Without telling him, you can log into your cell provider account and then see which numbers he's texting. Then google the number comes up the most. That will show the name it's connected to. Then google the name and you can see their social media. This doesn't work though if he has an iphone and the person he texting also has an iphone, because the number won't appear - at least when I searched, maybe it's changed now. If ends up being a guy friend you can put your mind at ease at least on that part, and you didn't have to talk to him or ask him about it. I only suggest this in case you might be worried about asking him who he's texting.


Good thinking except that it is his work cell phone, so we don't pay for it. I have asked him, and his answer is always his friends. he has some strange behaviour that I am just not sure about. yesterday, for example..it's Sunday, he had to work (his job is mon-fri, so this was overtime) so he says he wants to go fishing after work. He moves some work tools into our personal vehicle and hooks the boat up.

he didn't come home until after 9pm. He seemed very weird. kind of depressed, kind of like something was bothering him...not sure. But I asked him about his fishing trip and he was stumbling to give answers. We live out in the country. Our house is between the city and the lake he says he went to. (so lake farther from city). He drove past the turnoff to our house, and went to the city after fishing to buy food because he was starving and thirsty. Meanwhile, he drove past our turnoff at 8pm. Supper was made well ahead of time, in fact was cold already. By 8pm he should know i would have food ready. And we are on a budget right now, so he spent money to buy food, and also spent money on gas driving to the city and back? Just makes no sense. And I mentioned since he was working in the city earlier, I thought he would have went fishing in the city with his "friend", not drive out of town. he stumbled, it really sounded like an excuse, that his friend was suffering from a migraine. Just very, very weird. He went to bed right after, it's like he wanted to avoid talking to me. I tried making eye contact with him a few times, trying to see...he looked at me a few times, the other times he was looking away. I just find it hard not to be suspicious.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Something that's important to consider is what you will do if your husband doesn't agree. Are you willing to continue with him in his current state or a worse state? Or will you leave him if he refuses to get help? Even if he does get help, he might not get better if he can't put the effort into it. 

He could also become resentful when he realizes that you think he's crazy, which is how he will see this situation. That could make things much worse between you than they already are.

His situation is likely to get much worse the longer you wait to do something. I recommend that you get yourself into therapy and seek guidance from a psychiatrist to help you in this process. It's great that you have support from your family, but I think you need professional assistance immediately. 

Before you go into this, remember that you are not trying to convince your husband of anything. You are letting him know that his change of behavior has become too much for you to cope. He is not connecting to you and therefore you cannot connect to him. You cannot continue on in a marriage that is so dysfunctional and are asking him to seek help. If he refuses have a plan for what your next move will be. It would be good for you to seek legal counsel along with psychiatric help.

I understand that you husband is mentally ill, but he is still responsible for himself. If he is unwilling to do anything about it, you should not feel guilty in divorcing him so you can be healthy. It's one thing to be with someone in sickness and in health when each person is doing their best in the relationship. It is quite another when one person drags his spouse into illness with him. You didn't sign up for your spouse to make you ill. Living in a severely dysfunctional marriage is not healthy.


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