# How to deal with a cheating husband



## lehcar (Feb 17, 2015)

This is my first time actually writing in a forum about this issues. Brief background: Been married for about 5 years now. The first year or so was ok.... but we ran into a lot of life stressors... major illness, pregnancy, and then I uncovered some pretty severe psychological issues (which I am sure play into the problem and is why I try to be understanding.)
We have been through literally everything, and although his infidelity initially started due to psychological abuse, it is still going strong now. 
So when is enough. enough? The first time I found out he cheated, he was kind of messed up with some stuff... so I basically blamed his behavior on the situation and let it go... even though he cheated about with 9 different girls... most of them escorts.
But then we moved state, got out of a bad situation, and he just has been able to keep it together with being faithful since. I am to the point that I feel robotic in knowing that he is probably with another girl..... knowing how the argument is going to go when he finally decides to show up. (which if I was out cheating on him, I would just feel horrid coming home.... how can he be so ok with that feeling?)

Since moving state he has been with 3 women that I know of for sure, and plenty others who he has chatted with, online "dated" all of the rest. 

He left for about a month with the last one (constantly drunk... which I know changes what he does)He left while I was at my sickest. I had C.Diff, and was smoking marijuana to help with the pain. He basically took off, took our car, I ended up getting reoccurrence cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma) and then went through the chemo treatments while he was cheating on me. At one point I felt so much mental stress I stayed over the weekend at the hospitals mental ward. Even though he could have come and seen me, or called me..... he didn't do a thing. This occurred right before I found out about his latestest and before he left. But basically while I was in the hospital, he used that time as a break to spend with his new girl. About 2 days after I go home he moved out, and the only others times I saw him was to fight, or have sex. 

Then he called it off with this girl and finally came home, although since hes been back he has seen her a few times and im pretty sure had sex. But now she wont call him back because I have *****ed her out so hard core about how she is not a woman. 

So now I guess he is working on his newest. Our car has not been working lately and he has been walking places. I saw him get into some other girls car with our son, when they were suppose to be walking somewhere. I confronted him about it and he is now to the point where that kind of thing is fine/normal. Ya of course I needed a ride. Ok does she know you're married or is this just some girl off a dating website? And then now he left around 2 ish, told me not to call his phone, said he was going to go sell some stuff, that's why he was being secretive and would be back in a couple hours. Its now 8 and he still hasn't even turned his phone back on. So again..... when is enough enough? I do love him desperately and I do feel like a large majority of his cheating and drinking have to do with psychological issues.... so it makes me stay. But I think I need some real advice here. Oh yeah btw..... I found out I was pregnant right after he moved back, and just miscarried (less than 4 days ago) sooooooo????

Do I expect too much from him or is this behavior just un acceptable for a marriage? A marriage cant thrive in this no matter what I do right? Can I still save it or is it too past gone?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Too past gone. There is no excuse for cheating.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I truly have no idea why you are with this "thing" posing as a husband.

Do you hate yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lehcar said:


> This is my first time actually writing in a forum about this issues. Brief background: Been married for about 5 years now. The first year or so was ok.... but we ran into a lot of life stressors... major illness, pregnancy, and then I uncovered some pretty severe psychological issues (which I am sure play into the problem and is why I try to be understanding.)
> We have been through literally everything, and although his infidelity initially started due to psychological abuse, it is still going strong now.
> So when is enough. enough? The first time I found out he cheated, he was kind of messed up with some stuff... so I basically blamed his behavior on the situation and let it go... even though he cheated about with 9 different girls... most of them escorts.
> But then we moved state, got out of a bad situation, and he just has been able to keep it together with being faithful since. I am to the point that I feel robotic in knowing that he is probably with another girl..... knowing how the argument is going to go when he finally decides to show up. (which if I was out cheating on him, I would just feel horrid coming home.... how can he be so ok with that feeling?)
> ...


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## lehcar (Feb 17, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I truly have no idea why you are with this "thing" posing as a husband.
> 
> Do you hate yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No four words could be truer


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Enough was enough after the first 9.

It's time to divorce him. 

Stop having any sex with him. You need to get tested for STD's. He's having sex all over the place and then brining anything these women have home to you. So stop putting your life at risk.

Do you have any family you can go move in with while to get your life back in order?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lehcar said:


> No four words could be truer


Then I would suggest getting to the root of that issue. You are worth far better treatment whether you believe it or not.

Have you ever had therapy? Are you a CSA survivor by chance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lehcar (Feb 17, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Enough was enough after the first 9.
> 
> It's time to divorce him.
> 
> ...


I could go back to family, but they are highly destructive.... I honestly think I would be better off using people from my church. And that's the other thing is we are pretty religious. So again I feel like before we got married I asked God and felt like we were soul mates. Saying it outloud sounds wrong, but that s how I act. am I just too stupid?


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## lehcar (Feb 17, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Then I would suggest getting to the root of that issue. You are worth far better treatment whether you believe it or not.
> 
> Have you ever had therapy? Are you a CSA survivor by chance?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am a CSA survivor, as well as a rape survivor in my adult years. I have had some therapy, but need to fix the problems. I just feel like I have no motivation to really do anything because if I do then maybe I will ruin the marriage and then it will be my fault.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lehcar said:


> I could go back to family, but they are highly destructive.... I honestly think I would be better off using people from my church. And that's the other thing is we are pretty religious. So again I feel like before we got married I asked God and felt like we were soul mates. Saying it outloud sounds wrong, but that s how I act. am I just too stupid?


No. You are faithful and worth being treated with love and respect. Adultery, especially serial cheating, is biblical grounds for divorce.

A husband is supposed to love you like Jesus loves the church.

Your husband needs another institution besides marriage for help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lehcar said:


> I am a CSA survivor, as well as a rape survivor in my adult years. I have had some therapy, but need to fix the problems. I just feel like I have no motivation to really do anything because if I do then maybe I will ruin the marriage and then it will be my fault.


Sweetie, my heart breaks for you. I am crying right now. You deserve to be loved and cherished especially after so much pain.

Get some help from church and get away from this man who has no business being with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lehcar said:


> I could go back to family, but they are highly destructive.... I honestly think I would be better off using people from my church.


Then get help from the people at your church.


lehcar said:


> And that's the other thing is we are pretty religious.


“We” are pretty religious? Your husband is religious? Doesn’t he know that adultery is a major sin.. one of the worst that a person can engage in? Serial adultery is very very bad.


lehcar said:


> So again I feel like before we got married I asked God and felt like we were soul mates. Saying it outloud sounds wrong, but that s how I act. am I just too stupid?


Well, I don’t know what to say except that sometimes we misread what is right before us. And sometimes we push forward with a relationship and force it. I’ve done it. So I’m not coming down on you here.

You are assuming that God put the two of you together. But there were red flags that you ignored. Perhaps it was God who made sure you saw those red flags. But you ignored them. Remember that we all have free will. God does not make anyone do anything. So you got yourself into a marriage with a guy who obviously has serious problems. He’s probably a serious narcissist. 

Do you know that adultery is one of the major justifications for divorce?

Soul mates do not treat each other the way he treats you. 

Also, think very clearly about soul mates. I really do not think that soul mates exist. There are many people on this plant that we can connect with a fall in love with. If that were not true, then why is it that when a person’s spouse dies, they can find a new mate and remarry?




lehcar said:


> I am a CSA survivor, as well as a rape survivor in my adult years. I have had some therapy, but need to fix the problems. I just feel like I have no motivation to really do anything because if I do then maybe I will ruin the marriage and then it will be my fault.


How can you ruin your marriage? He ruined it a long time ago. 
Your marriage is ruin. HE ruined it. Get away from him before he gives you and STD that kills you or causes you life-long illness.
Get into serious therapy to figure out how to get beyond all the trauma that has happened in your life.

Start loving yourself and taking care of yourself. If you don’t, who will?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lehcar said:


> I am a CSA survivor, as well as a rape survivor in my adult years. I have had some therapy, but need to fix the problems. I just feel like I have no motivation to really do anything because if I do then maybe I will ruin the marriage and then it will be my fault.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


>


Not to thread jack, but Gus love the Tolkien poem. It's always been a favorite of mine.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Lechar,

First of all I am a Christian. I have lots of flaws and I don't mind people pointing them out; however, no Christian is a good practicing Christian if they break the 10 basic rules... In your case #7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, covet thy neighbor's wife etc...

Please do not say a person is a good Christian if they go whoring around all the time. The person I am in church is the person I am in the world. That is true for all of us. You have a wolf in sheeps clothing.

You need help, a circle of friends and advice. You are in a very bad relationship and everyone here thinks you need to get out. I think you would be a fool to stay with your husband, but you have to decide what you want to do and then people here can help guide you on how to do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MovingAhead said:


> Not to thread jack, but Gus love the Tolkien poem. It's always been a favorite of mine.


Thanks. It was actually Regret's signature that inspired it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

lehcar said:


> So when is enough. enough? QUOTE]
> 
> THE FIRST TIME HE CHEATED.
> 
> If, per chance, you are a member of the most common religion in Utah, then you are fully justified in the eyes of your bishop to pull the plug. That is a doctrinal fact in that particular religion.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Lechar ,

You husband might be christian or not ; but the main problem is that he is not human !

You need to put an end to this ; you need to stand on your feet.

I am not sure about others ; but I really cried while reading your posts...

You deserve to be with someone who loves you ...

Though I am not in a good relation with my wife ; one day she had a small operation to extract a small lump that could be cancerous ; I stayed all the time serving her , sleeping under her legs .

Take care


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lehcar said:


> Do I expect too much from him or is this behavior just un acceptable for a marriage?


Not only is his behavior unacceptable for a marriage, HE is not acceptable for marriage. He needs to be single and do the rest of the female world a favor and NOT propose.

How do you deal with this cheating husband? Dump him on his sorry ass and realize there are MUCH better men out there for you.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I am sorry. I am sorry for all of the hardships that you have endured, your health issues, your sexual assault and the fact that you're married to a worthless, worthless, worthless human being.

To be raped is a truly horrific thing to have happen to you and you do not seem to have any good people in your life that care about you and to help take care of you. I wouldn't expect you to be alright having gone through what you have. It actually breaks my heart. I hope that you know that what happened to you is not your fault, regardless if you believe otherwise. An act of rape is *ALWAYS* and *100%* on the rapist. There is nothing that you should or shouldn't have done. It was all on him. You're not to blame in any way.

You mentioned it so casually as if it isn't a big deal but it is. It is a serious crime that takes years to process and work through and around here it can carry a life sentence. I hope that you are able to heal from that pain and trauma.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

On to why you're here on Coping With Infidelity.

Your husband is horrible and useless and garbage. He is truly a piece of s***. You absolutely have to divorce him. No question about it. Any one of the things that he has done, any single one of them, should have earned him a swift divorce a long time ago.

You do not see this because you are not alight. I fear you're suffering from depression and a non-existent sense of self worth. You have like zero self-esteem and self-respect, which is not uncommon amongst rape survivors, people that have experienced infidelity and the issues and mistreatment that you have endured.

You don't and probably can't see this but you do deserve better. You deserve a better life with someone that truly cares for you, treats you well and doesn't cheat on you continuously.

Subconsciously some of us choose our partners based on what we think and how we feel about ourselves. You do not feel that you deserve a good, kind and loving partner and therefore you have chosen someone you treats you exactly how you feel about yourself, which is in your case not that much.

*DIVORCE HIM*. I can not say this enough. Divorce him, divorce him, divorce him!!! I cannot think of a stronger case for divorce on this forum than your story.

I implore you to please end this marriage. You owe it to yourself to end it. Do not try to reason or justify staying in this marriage any longer. You can't see it but anyone else would tell you the same. You have a responsibilty to yourself to bring it to an end.

You are in an unhealthy, toxic, codependent relationship and it is terrible for you.

Seek a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. Have that useless bastard served with divorce papers and do not contact or communicate with him unless it pertains to finances, your son, household or legal matters. Do not see him or take his calls. He should stay absolutely far away from you and if he even tries to talk you into taking him back or giving the marriage another chance then you have one of four options.

(1) You knee him in his balls
(2) You pepper spray his face
(3) You tase him
(4) All of the above


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

You need to take care of yourself and your needs. You have gone through so much and it is time that you made the effort to improve your life.

Anyone in your life that has caused you any form of pain or hurt, anxiety, has mistreatmented you, taken advantage of you, used you or doesn't care about you should be gone from your life. No exceptions, friends and family included.

Focus all your energy and efforts on your psychological and emotional well-being and living the best life possible for your son and yourself.

Take care of yourself and invest in your physical and mental health. Treat your body with care because it is your most precious asset. You should eat healthy, exercise and engage in physical fitness and sleep well each night.

Physical activities and exercise will help improve your health, get you fit and improve your self-image and confidence. Motivation might be lacking on your part initially so push yourslef, even if you do not want to. It will be of great benefit to you.

Surround yourself with good, kind and caring people. Do not associate with anyone you know or feel isn't good to have around you. Socialize only with those who bring you joy and add positives to your life.

Most importantly for you is that you learn to love and care for yourself. Know in your heart that you deserve happiness, never settle for less and continue to be the great person that you are.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

distance yourself from him in all possible ways. physically, mentally, emotionally.

set your resolve and fix your problem. you deserve so much better.

next this piece of human stain. move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talk about messed up.

Is he in counselling? Are you? Your son?

Have you consulted a lawyer? I typed solicitor, then realised you are in Utah!


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

So wait.

You had C. Diff (medically life-threatening chronic diarrhea), and smoked a lot of dope.

You had cancer.

Then it re-occurred in the form of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and you had to get chemotherapy.

You have a son and you miscarried.

You experienced CSA and also rape.

And you state that you are very religious.


Okay then.

You weave a tale full of sorrow, as evidenced by the strong reactions from several veteran TAM'ers.

They have some really mean things to say about your husband, how he's a bad person and all.

Unfortunately, he's not on TAM, is he?

Let's talk about you, the anti-lottery winner of life.


The truth of the matter is (hypothetically speaking), after letting your husband cheat on you with 12 other women that you claim to know of, it sounds like you have plenty of experience on how to deal with a cheating husband. It's gotten you this far along.

And really, that alleged fact kind of invalidates all the questions you pose.

"Do you expect too much from him or is this behavior just unacceptable in a marriage?" Well, clearly you seem to have low expectations of him, or you wouldn't tolerate his constant cheating. While most people would consider this behavior unacceptable in a marriage, you're still there.

"A marriage can't thrive in this no matter what you do, right?" Well, right, but, once again, you're still supposedly there.

"Can you still save it or is it too past gone?" What's to save? As you have described it, this is "normal" for your marriage. It was too past gone the second time he cheated, and yet, say it with me, YOU'RE STILL THERE.

Supposedly.

I guess I should stop adding "supposedly." I mean, I read this on the internet, so it has to be genuine.

You can only change yourself, and boy oh boy do you need to change yourself. That, I can say with absolute certainty.


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