# Desperately need advice...



## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I have been together with my wife for a total of just over 10 years, and married for 2 years. Unfortunately the last 4 years of our life have been a living hell. I am not the kind of person to ever give up on anything, and that's always been something I have prided myself on, however as each day goes by I am finding it almost impossible to get my head around what is actually going on with us and our marriage.

For the first couple of years we were together I worked away and we had a long distance relationship which worked well. We saw each other most weekends, and spoke a few times a week. Following this we stayed with her parents for around 4 months whilst we looked for a place to rent. Once we found a place to rent which was a flat, I felt like this was one of the happiest times in our relationship, with no arguments, general laughs with each other, and the excitement of having our first place together. After living in the flat for a couple of years I started to get a bit lonely because my friends and family were 60 miles away, and so my wife kindly agreed to move to my local city where we rented a house for a year and a half. 

Within the first 4 years of our relationship I think I overcompensated a lot of the time. I don't know if that's because I didn't get the love I needed as a child or why, but for some reason I would do everything I could to make her happy. I would take her out for romantic meals all of the time, do romantic things, I took her to NY to propose, and I basically did anything for the girl, but the problem was I didn't ever feel like this was mutual and I haven't to this day. During our time together unless it's a special occasion she's never bought me gifts, done anything romantic for me, or initiate sex (maybe 4 times in 10 years), and this kills me. We even used to get into arguments because I just told her that it's the little things that matter, just get me some beers and I know you're thinking of me, anything small that's thoughtful, but it never happened or it only did when I had kicked up a fuss about it. Basically thoughtful gestures were not there and that always left me wondering what was going on, and it made me feel like crap. The reason I say this was because when she was younger she used to do a lot of things for her best friend, a lot of thoughtful gestures such as photo albums, cards, well thought out gifts - so I always felt crap at the fact I never had that, and I guess I accepted that's just part of who she was at the time. I paid for a lot of things, and I did use it against her (she said I would always bring up money in arguments) but I was just too frustrated at the fact I went out of my way to pay for things, do nice gestures for her, plan romantic nights, and she did none of this for me, it made me feel like crap. At this point I think I started to moan a lot which caused arguments and this was all based around the fact she didn't initiate sex, she didn't do anything thoughtful for me, and my needs were not being met. 

A fresh start came about 4 years ago when we bought our first house together, I was incredibly excited about building a home together and I thought we can finally move on with our lives and be happy, but the complete opposite happened. Well 1 year in she couldn't care less, she never even mentioned anything about the house unless I forced it, and to be honest I didn't feel like she wanted to build a home it felt like she just went to work, came home and that was it. This made me quite depressed and I started to wonder if she was having an affair after I noticed a few red flags such as her spending every night on her phone for 6 months, and other things. Stupidly I brought this up and the fact I hadn't met any of her work colleagues in 6 years but this just added fuel to the fire and the huge rows started. One of the major issues my wife has always had which has got progressively worse over the 10 years we've been together is anger. When I got together with her I knew she had a temper but as the years went on the respect for me went out of the window, she swore at me constantly, she started arguments for no reason, and blew up over the stupidest little things. I never understood why she didn't respect me but thinking back I think maybe it's because I was a yes man, I tried to give her too much, and she saw me as a doormat. Her temper really is serious, it is so serious that it even came out in front of her family a few times, one occasion was when I didn't want to drive to a event at the arena and so because she had to drive (I drive everywhere usually) she completely flipped out in front of her sister, started f-ing and blinding calling me a w*nker, a f-ing tw*at, whilst driving down the road screaming at 60mph, it's scary it really is. I don't know if it's something she did as a kid where she threw tantrums to get her own way but it's basically a violent adult tantrum, and it's happened more times than I can tell you.

So in our new house after a year I became very depressed, and I think people were making out it was biological but I think it's my relationship that did this to me. I started experiencing panic attacks, and paranoia about my wife cheating on me. It was a tough time and we were both very very raw, in fact we almost split up maybe 6 - 7 times and my family got involved eventually as every time I would accuse her she went over to there house, which is understandable. It got so bad I started to question her all of the time and I was almost convinced she was having an affair and those were the reasons she wasn't initiating sex, she seemed off at night, and why I was miserable. I feel really bad about it now as I just do not know whether she has or not and I forget that, but obviously it made things ten times worst between us, however she wouldn't say things like I am not cheating, she would go on about how she is not a bad person and how the world is so unfair, which then also rang alarm bells and got me thinking what the??? I hold my hands up to the problems I also caused in our relationship but coming from someone who adored this woman, and then saw her change over time into some ogre I cannot stand I've found it increasingly hard. I even thought once we got married things would get better, but no they didn't. We rarely go 2 weeks now without having some kind of argument and I don't know if I can do it anymore, it's been a total of 4 years now, and both of us have been affected. I guess I worry if I leave that I will still suffer all of the psychological and emotional intense feelings I do everyday, and so in essence I will make a mistake. 

During this incredibly tough time I changed dramatically as a person as well. At the time I had a successful business and I was a workaholic, I became a bit lost in it and I guess for me it was an escape. All throughout my life people have told me I couldn't so this was my 'I can' to show all of the people that ever doubted me they were wrong. After going through this terrible time I realised that everything I was striving for in life, such as the flash car, the massive house I finally had, and guess what I was miserable as sin. I felt like it was a huge big lie and it was incredibly hard to come to terms with that in my life. I felt like I had waste valuable time I could of used to help someone concentrating on my own greed, and little materialistic pipe dream which would complete me, and it did the complete opposite. I guess I had a bit of a breakdown here and I started to think deeply into everything, why are we alive, what's the purpose of life, and why have I been this robot chasing a materialistic fantasy for the last 5 years. Some people call this a spiritual awakening, and I did experience quite a few strange things, I guess I just woke up to reality and to what's important in life which isn't what we are taught from a young age. It's not a high powered job, it's not your flash car or your large house, it's love and it's how you can help others whether that's a passing smile or sacrificing your time for others needs. This was quite a radical transformation in my life, and I've been searching and discovering things about myself ever since, however I still struggle with the huge impact those times had on me, and I am still very slowly putting myself back together, something I don't think my wife understands.

We have since moved back to be close to her family and I've given her the house she always dreamed of, but still we have problems. I just do not understand it.

One thing I know is that I am rock bottom, and have been for a year now. She wants children and I am scared to death of that, and I don't even think a councillor would work, I don't know if I see the point. Is it me that's doing something wrong here or has this relationship just eaten away at me that there is nothing left? I don't have the energy for hardly anything these days and I hardly get any pleasure out of anything. I put on a happy pretend to most people, but underneath I am just dying one day at a time. I think what hurt me is the lack of respect from her. When we first got together I spent years building her confidence, pushing her to do things and generally trying to help her as much as I could because she was very shy and insecure. Now the tables have turned and when I needed her the most she hasn't been there to build me up. In fact one night of my life probably one of the very lowest where I just felt like what's the point and I may as well put an end to it all, when I told her this she called me a wimp. That destroyed me.

Is there any hope at all? Is there love that's keeping us together, or am or her doing something seriously wrong? Are both just too dysfunctional for each other? I really find it difficult to question myself on how I feel about things, because I wonder whether the trauma of everything has created this negative stereotype I now brand her with, instead of seeing her in the positive light I used too? It almost feels like the woman I could see that others couldn't originally because of her shyness and so forth has now vanished and has been replaced by a defensive, aggressive, cold person. 

Thanks for listening, and I would love to hear from any of you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, you're basically staying in a nightmare marriage because you don't want to "give up" and waste the time you've already invested? 

My take on what you've written is that she's always been this way. It just took you years to see it. Infatuation/limerence is blind.

When she was your LDR, it was easy to hide her nasty side due to the physical distance. When the physical distance was removed, you were busy kissing her ass and her nasty side was placated. When you realized you also have needs and started expecting her to put in some effort, when you stopped catering to her, is when the real her that had been there all along came to the surface. The woman you're looking at today is who she is and likely who she will always be.

Also, I'd be pretty willing to bet those red flags you saw were at least an EA. Her spoiled and selfish nature is commonly seen among cheaters. That personality type combined with the behaviors you noticed just scream affair.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> So, you're basically staying in a nightmare marriage because you don't want to "give up" and waste the time you've already invested?
> 
> My take on what you've written is that she's always been this way. It just took you years to see it. Infatuation/limerence is blind.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice, I appreciate this. This morning was yet another nightmare. She refused to have sex, so I refused to go clothes shopping with her and then she started crying and kicking off for no reason saying how crap she looked in clothes. I think the only reason she is making such a big deal this time is because he work Christmas do is tomorrow, so again pretty obvious. I just feel gutted I have wasted all of this time in my life thinking this woman was someone she wasn't, and then when she says things like I am always making her out to be a monster, I sit there in disbelief thinking no I never say that, you are the one that starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all and then goes cold on me in the week, it's like a split personality.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Troubled_Times said:


> Thanks for your advice, I appreciate this. This morning was yet another nightmare. She refused to have sex, so I refused to go clothes shopping with her and then she started crying and kicking off for no reason saying how crap she looked in clothes. I think the only reason she is making such a big deal this time is because he work Christmas do is tomorrow, so again pretty obvious. I just feel gutted I have wasted all of this time in my life thinking this woman was someone she wasn't, and then when she says things like I am always making her out to be a monster, I sit there in disbelief thinking no I never say that, you are the one that starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all and then goes cold on me in the week, it's like a split personality.


It's all manipulation. She's basically looking for ways to get you to feel bad, roll over, give her her way, and kiss her butt.

I will say one thing, though, it might have been a douche move to refuse to go clothes shopping because she refused sex. It really depends on the circumstances.

If you'd already agreed to go with her and refused out of spite because she refused sex, that would be one thing.

If she asked you to go after she denied you sex and you refused to go because you wanted to be alone for a while to hurt or have a nice masturbation session, that would be another thing.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> It's all manipulation. She's basically looking for ways to get you to feel bad, roll over, give her her way, and kiss her butt.
> 
> I will say one thing, though, it might have been a douche move to refuse to go clothes shopping because she refused sex. It really depends on the circumstances.
> 
> ...


So am I being manipulated then? Have you been through divorce yourself?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Very likely she is or was having an affair. 

You're a chump... Sorry. She isn't on fire for a life with you. You give her comfort and stability, but she is detached. 

You haven't met her work colleagues in 6 years? Big red flag. She flies off the handle when you mention it? Big red flag. She texts late at night? Big red flag. 

Does she lock her phone with a pass code? Do you know it? Does she take her phone EVERYWHERE? 

There is no room for secrets in relationships. You should have NO FEAR in approaching her and telling her to give you her phone, right then and there. She should say "ok" and drop it in your hand and give you the password. 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

Your wife is using you. You showed her that you love her,respect her and you would do anything for her,but your wife definitely took this for granted. You did this over and over my friend.

She is calling you names in front of your friends or her family members--no respect for you.
She is doing "little things" for others but have no time for you,her husband-- no love. Looking at you as a roommate.

You know this little things are what makes a good marriage not some trips to Hawai once in a year and stuff like that.

Also this is important for me-when you asked her did she cheat she never denied it or asked you why would you think that. She started her story how she is good person bla bla but you know deep down it is not true. 

Next time when you got suspicious dont tell her. Use that to your advantage and look around. Phone texts,e-mails and little VAR (30euros) are working magic.

DONT START FAMILY with her. Make sure she is changed and I dont mean she initate sex 2-3 times. It has to be a big deal. Demand respect from her,just like you respect her. Make sure that she is not cheating.

Start changing yourself. Join some gym,find new friends. Spend your free time on YOU. Dont always be there for her. Let her see that you are OK without her and doing fine.

I would never stay in relationship like this one. 

Sorry for grammar mistakes


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Satya said:


> Very likely she is or was having an affair.
> 
> You're a chump... Sorry. She isn't on fire for a life with you. You give her comfort and stability, but she is detached.
> 
> ...


Hi Satya,

She is very open with her phone, but she also has a work phone and work laptop too. I think the work laptop is where she would be cheating as when I asked to look at it she sat next to me heavy breathing as though I was going to find something, where before with her phone she's just given it to me.

She's too smart to use either phone, although she does have Viber in her downloads but not on her actual phone. She invited me to meet her work colleagues tomorrow at her xmas party after I insisted for ages, but then when I said I may go play poker instead she was fine, in fact she almost wanted me to go. It's the fact she doesn't want to introduce anyone that makes me think it's someone at work she is messing around with. Bit weird how I have only met 3 people at our wedding in 7 years.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my friend.
> 
> Your wife is using you. You showed her that you love her,respect her and you would do anything for her,but your wife definitely took this for granted. You did this over and over my friend.
> 
> ...


Yeah that's what I thought and that's what I do not get from our marriage. Yeah you're also right, I know she has hidden it well and I know my gut instinct has always been right about this woman, I need to get away from her and make sure I don't lose too much in doing so. No I will not start a family with her, yes I have started those things already I just want to distance myself from her to be honest. No, I think I am done to be honest may start speaking to lawyers this week and seeing where I stand. Yeah I will, thanks for your advice and yes I need to leave it has destroyed me


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry to say this but your bigest problem is not to find does she cheat or not. 
Read my previous post. Looking in her phone,email and buying some VARs can give you an answer to that. If she is using phone or email from work demand to see it and dont wait long because she can delete some of it.

Bigest problem is how she treats you. 

Just compare this two things : 
1.your look at the marriage and how you treat her
2. her look at the marriage and how she treats you

She is maybe cheating on you and does not want you to meat her co-workers or maybe she ashamed of you.

Go to that party with her and dont drink. Look for some answers and listen what they talk. Watch her how she talks,dance with others. Listen to her voice when she introduce you to others.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Troubled_Times said:


> So am I being manipulated then? Have you been through divorce yourself?


Her behavior is classic manipulation. When she boo-hoo's or gets flaming angry over some little thing she is blowing out of proportion, what she is actually doing is trying to elicit a certain response from you.

The boo-hooing is designed to get you to feel sorry for her, to tell her how wonderful she is, and to then give her what she wants.

The flaming anger is designed to make you fear her, back down, apologize, and then give her what she wants.

Threats of leaving or even of another man are designed to scare you into placating her for fear she will leave if you don't.

It's pretty classic. You can google and do some research on manipulation. You'll be able to better recognize it once you're familiar. 

Yes, I have been divorced.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Sorry to say this but your bigest problem is not to find does she cheat or not.
> Read my previous post. Looking in her phone,email and buying some VARs can give you an answer to that. If she is using phone or email from work demand to see it and dont wait long because she can delete some of it.
> 
> Bigest problem is how she treats you.
> ...


I've only been invited for 1 drink at the end when I pick her up, when she tells me 'not everyone will be there', so if there is a he, he will likely be gone by then. Don't know if I even care anymore to be honest, can't deal with the horrible feelings from it all.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Her behavior is classic manipulation. When she boo-hoo's or gets flaming angry over some little thing she is blowing out of proportion, what she is actually doing is trying to elicit a certain response from you.
> 
> The boo-hooing is designed to get you to feel sorry for her, to tell her how wonderful she is, and to then give her what she wants.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. How did you handle all of it, did you feel 'FREE' once you had left, that's what I think I will feel as I don't honestly know how I could go through any more grief given the last 4 years I have had already with this woman.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Troubled_Times said:


> Yeah that's what I thought and that's what I do not get from our marriage. Yeah you're also right, I know she has hidden it well and I know my gut instinct has always been right about this woman, I need to get away from her and make sure I don't lose too much in doing so. No I will not start a family with her, yes I have started those things already I just want to distance myself from her to be honest. No, I think I am done to be honest may start speaking to lawyers this week and seeing where I stand. Yeah I will, thanks for your advice and yes I need to leave it has destroyed me



You dont have to do anything right now my friend.
Your mind is all over the place at this moment,so calm down.
But never forget this,you have power now over your marriage once you opend your eyes.

Her cheating on not can be "easy" problem to solve. I talked about in in my posts.

What you have to do is ask yourself do you want do be treated like this? Some members will tell you to go for some counseling but her actions speak a lot. This is going for 4 years or even more and I cant imagine myself in relationship like this one. 

She cant change over night. She is used to doing this and she is used to taking you for granted.

You did try and talk to her about this but she always gets mad. Clearly she have her mind on other things like what is she going to wear to this party.

For her invite just for one drink after all people are gone is a RED FLAG. Tell her you are going with her and if she still refuses to do it then you got your answer my friend.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Troubled_Times said:


> Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. How did you handle all of it, did you feel 'FREE' once you had left, that's what I think I will feel as I don't honestly know how I could go through any more grief given the last 4 years I have had already with this woman.


I was so giddy when I had my final divorce papers in hand that I was literally jumping up and down in the courthouse elevator, squeeing like some fangurl seeing her pop idol for the first time.



I can only think of 3 possible reasons for her reluctance to have you socialize with her workmates. Any one or a combination of:

1) She's having or had an affair and she is afraid someone will tell you or that you'll pick up on it.

2) She's completely ashamed of/embarrassed by you.

3) She's been making you out to be a horrible man in order to get attention and manipulate people at work and she knows she'll be caught in her lies if they meet you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There are quite a few red flags that point to her having an affair with a co-worker. WWs are always picking fights with their BHs. The nicer you are the more they'll find something to complain about. 
1. It helps clear their conscious for their betrayals, (he deserves this)
2. It gives her an excuse to leave house to hook up with POS
3. It provides an excuse for why she can't have sex with you.(allows her to be loyal to her NEW man.)

To get the facts, install a VAR under passenger seat of her car. They always talk to their POS in car or to a cheer-leading girlfriend about details. If possible, hire PI to investigate. These guys have tools and skillets to get the facts quickly.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I was so giddy when I had my final divorce papers in hand that I was literally jumping up and down in the courthouse elevator, squeeing like some fangurl seeing her pop idol for the first time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She says it's because no one else brings there partners. She also mentions has she is down about having no friends so when I tell her to invite her work colleague she gets on really well with round for a drink or some food she makes an excuse saying they are just work colleagues not friends, don't get it...

I also noticed when she speaks to the guy I think she's had an affair with, someone she once told me "How he's such a nice guy, and we're on the same level" she rushes the calls really quickly and at the end says bye before he can even get a word in, would a woman who's done nothing do this? I know she may feel uncomfortable given we had 1 argument about him but when she's cool with everyone else on the phone and herself I find it odd. I'm pretty sure there is something there.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Wait, if the last 4 years have been hell and you've only been married for 2 then did you think it would get better? Sorry, but marriage does not guarantee a fix to a crappy relationship. The first few years of marriage are hard no matter what anyone says. The reality of it sets in and if you were already in trouble then it just gets worse.

Sounds to me like your wife needs to grow up and you guys need to get it together or move on BEFORE considering kids. Believe me when I say bringing a kid into a trouble marriage will make it worse. If you two can't handle life's daily struggles now then adding a kid into the mix will only hasten the divorce.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you have shared bank accounts...is the house in both your names....before you do anything get the financial house in order first....bases on what I have read she will stop at nothing to make your life hell if you divorce.....but I agree with everyone else she is invested else where and not in the marriage...


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

She drinks a lot of wine at night in the week as well, sometimes a full bottle and when I ask her about it she gets very defensive and angry. Is she drinking this much because she's unhappy or feels guilty? The woman doesn't talk to me about anything ever, deepest conversation she is capable of is what are we eating tonight!?


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Just had it out with her tonight and now she is upstairs crying uncontrollably making out I bully her when I don't. I said why do you get so upset at me asking a question and she said it's because I've asked it for years, so I told her my needs were not met and I was unhappy she said the same but she's crying like mad also told I I find her behaviour disrespectful and controlling and she said it's not but this crying is too intense. She said she was going to lack a bag and leave but now I feel bad is this a tactic or am I just messed up? Last thing I want is her family all round here just because she's in tears making out its all my doing


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

She also said I had no proof of her cheating and when I mentioned this subject this is where she lost the plot and start crying uncontrollably?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't see why you can't show up early to her drinks get-together. If things are awkward, shake hands with everyone and introduce yourself confidently as her husband. Don't tell her, just show up. Be stoic and observe the reactions. You're still her husband for the present, regardless of how she's behaving. You don't need to be sorry for acting like it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Isn't it odd that rather than deny the cheating outright, she says you have no proof? Maybe that's reading into it a bit, but that seems odd to me.

Also, it's time you give her family a call to make them aware of your suspicions and to ask for support. The reason for this is she will demonize you to her family most likely. The person to act first has an advantage. Don't demonize her, just be honest about your misgivings and ask them to support the truth for the sake of the RELATIONSHIP.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Hi Satya, she said that would be weird as they were having a meal and then when I mentioned shortly after the meal she changed the subject. I need to get away from this woman but she flips out like a wreck when I mention it she told me to go but I am in her home city she should go, going to leave later for a few hours to be on my own. I've done this loads of times before and then when I have calmed down I have felt empathy and affection again but I just newton logically realise things are not getting any better and I am not any happier. She says I have problems with everyone cause I've pushed them away and I have pushed them away because I've felt so terrible but I don't believe it's just depression or anxiety I believe it's circumstance but then it's all messed up and she tells me her lieing or cheating is all in my head so who knows. I know I can't handle stress anymore hence why I don't want to spend time with her and hence why I backed off from my family because I was the scapegoat for many many years!


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Right now for me the most important thing would be just to be on my own even for a year or two to get myself back together and to not suffer anymore constant stress


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I don't think she would admit it even if she got caught but her body language and withdrawal over the last few years has been enough for me in itself not to mention missing underwear, leg bruises, having her number on withheld just stuff that doesn't add up but I think she's become smarter as time has gone on.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Troubled_Times said:


> Yeah that's what I thought and that's what I do not get from our marriage. Yeah you're also right, I know she has hidden it well and I know my gut instinct has always been right about this woman, I need to get away from her and make sure I don't lose too much in doing so. No I will not start a family with her, yes I have started those things already I just want to distance myself from her to be honest. No, I think I am done to be honest may start speaking to lawyers this week and seeing where I stand. Yeah I will, thanks for your advice and yes I need to leave it has destroyed me


OP, you have stayed too long in this abusive marriage. See your attorney ASAP. This is a life of torture. See a psychologist as well. You have stayed for over 10 years in an abusive environment, whereby you are the abused one. You need to build your self-esteem and set your mind in the right direction. Truly sorry for your situation.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, you have stayed too long in this abusive marriage. See your attorney ASAP. This is a life of torture. See a psychologist as well. You have stayed for over 10 years in an abusive environment, whereby you are the abused one. You need to build your self-esteem and set your mind in the right direction. Truly sorry for your situation.


I think it is both to be honest, I think I am abusive at times as well and I think that's because of the situation, so I don't want to blame it all on her but I know we are both unhappy. Only thing now is she will go and tell her parents how evil I am having accused her of cheating and so on even though they don't see how a woman kicks you down when she never initiates sex, rejects sex, shows no thought of kindness towards you, and also is filled with anger.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If she's involved with another man, she'll reject your sexual advances. She doesn't want to cheat on her man. Isn't it convenient that she's packing a bag. She'll say she's going to family or friend but you can bet for sure that she'll make a "pit stop" at OM, if not spend the night. 

It's not a time for macho declarations of "I'm tired of her and I need time for myself." You don't need to impress us. Actions are what's needed. 1st thing that you must do is find out what you're dealing with. No guessing. The signs are there but you want to be sure. Doesn't mean you need to catch her in the act but find out for sure that there is something going on.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Even if there isn't anything going on it's the outbursts her temper and my general unhappiness


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

If the cheating is all in my head then why does she treat me like dirt swearing at me calling me a wimp and letting me pay her 4K credit card off without even giving me a thank you! Plus the anger where does that come from it makes no sense to me why does she start fights for no reason i never get on at her about anything but she's constantly having a go about something


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I'm the one who has tried getting help for my emotions, I've talked to her about us seeing a councillor, I've gone and met new people to get out more and she doesn't make any of that effort at all she doesn't do anything which means she doesn't care. The sex thing I get as she's not an instigator but she didn't even get me a present on my own birthday after 10 years together!!!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't have to tolerate her family and you don't need proof of her cheating. You know that you have been miserable for years. She doesn't seem to want to work on the marriage but uses crying for manipulation. 

You don't say why you went ahead and married her even though you knew she was not trying to make you happy. Figure out what you really want and ask her to go to marriage counseling if you want to work it out. If not, divorce and get therapy for yourself so you don't find yourself in this mess again. Good luck.

I see you've already sought help for you and have asked her for counseling. Good work.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I married her because I love the woman well I loved who I thought she was and as that glimmer of who I thought she was slowly got smaller and smaller over the years I would only see it 5% of the time leaving me thinking who is this cold aggressive angry person I married. I thought I could fix us, I thought I could make it work but I couldn't and now I've just got myself to blame for letting it all go on this long. You know what the pathetic part is! Even though I love this woman and hate her at the same time when she is upset I can't help but feel for her, it's like I can't escape. I just want her to leave but I want her to leave calmly and not in a way that will have my in laws and parents ringing up making out I need some professional help!

Another red flag is the fact that when I was having my own therapy, she REALLY wanted to know what i was talking to the councillor about, and this was often that I had suspicions she was having an affair, I found that odd as well. I never told her what we talked about but why ask unless you've something to worry about you know?

Would a lie detector sort things out? But then if she did pass and this is all in my head, what do I do then? Would it be too late anyway?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Troubled_Times said:


> ... why does she treat me like dirt swearing at me calling me a wimp and letting me pay her 4K credit card off without even giving me a thank you! Plus the anger where does that come from it makes no sense to me why does she start fights for no reason i never get on at her about anything but she's constantly having a go about something


Why? Because you allow it. You stay. You have no boundaries. You put up with her crap and there are no consequences for her actions.

People only treat us like dirt when we allow it. As far as her family goes, you have far too much emotionally invested in what they think of you. Who cares what they think? What people think of you is none of your business. Sure, we all want to be loved/liked by everyone we meet, but life doesn't happen that way.

You also feel guilty and responsible for your crazy wife's behaviors. Unless you have some super-human ability to control how people behave, I assure you SHE chooses how to act of her own volition.

Boundaries and responsibility for your OWN behaviors, reactions, and choices are the only thing you can control in this loony scenario. Once you realize that, you will be able to walk away and have a good life.

BTW, get into some very serious counseling about how to establish strong boundaries and enforce them. Leave her. Hey, she may threaten to jump off a bridge. So what? That is HER choice. Stop letting her guilt-trip you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Troubled_Times said:


> If the cheating is all in my head then why does she treat me like dirt swearing at me calling me a wimp and letting me pay her 4K credit card off without even giving me a thank you! Plus the anger where does that come from it makes no sense to me why does she start fights for no reason i never get on at her about anything but she's constantly having a go about something


you answered your own question.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> you answered your own question.


How do you mean?


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Why? Because you allow it. You stay. You have no boundaries. You put up with her crap and there are no consequences for her actions.
> 
> People only treat us like dirt when we allow it. As far as her family goes, you have far too much emotionally invested in what they think of you. Who cares what they think? What people think of you is none of your business. Sure, we all want to be loved/liked by everyone we meet, but life doesn't happen that way.
> 
> ...


Yeah I know! You know I even worked out for 7 months lost loads of weight almost had a 6 pack thinking she would find my more physically attractive and come on to me more, and that didn't even work. She didn't even notice. Feel like a bit of a fool right now to be honest. How can I get her to leave, as she is refusing to go and I am not going anywhere since this is where her family live, and I will not pay for a hotel room either when she can go to her families place 15 minutes down the road.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"i never get on at her about anything"

You need to go back and read your own posts. You are in full-on victim mode and that will get you nowhere.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> "i never get on at her about anything"
> 
> You need to go back and read your own posts. You are in full-on victim mode and that will get you nowhere.


Yeah I suppose you have a point, but what I mean is I don't blow up over the stupid stuff like leaving the curtains open or forgetting to put the juice away.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Ohh my friend it is getting even worse. More red flags and more disrespect towards you.
Your wife is definitely cheating,reading your post about missing underwear and bruises.

You are paying her credit and she acts like this. Why did you allow that my friend ???

If you dont respect yourself then who is going to. 

You dont "fight" for this woman. You tried and look where are you now. .

Tonight is Sunday so calm down. Tomorrow go to lawyer and see your options. When you go to work buy some VARs and put them in your house and her car.

Let her cry and let her go to family house,hotel or even OM. 

Dont you dare and beg her to stay with you or apologize to her !!!

She is seeing you like a roommate or a friend. Not a good friend,just friend. You know why ? Because it is easier to pay bills,her credit,food,clothes,car and once in a while she let you have some pvssy. 

This way she keeps you around house while she is having blast.

Stay strong my friend.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I don't agree with that be smart, and I just don't know to be honest, I don't want to snoop I don't see the point just want it all to end but then I will feel massively guilty about everything which makes me think if I leave I am a bad person


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Woooow. File for divorce.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Troubled_Times said:


> ... just want it all to end but then I will feel massively guilty about everything which makes me think if I leave I am a bad person


Listen man - GROW A PAIR. Seriously. If you want to end this, then END IT. Quit moaning, groaning, whining, b!tching, and complaining.

Why would you be a "bad person" for demanding - and commanding - respect? Jeesh. This is why crazy women like your wife latch onto meal tickets like you. She doesn't respect you, but she knows you don't have the guts to walk. If you do, she'll reel you back in with her manipulative techniques.

And so what if you ARE a bad person? Who isn't? I don't recall meeting any saints or martyrs recently. When we allow guilt and fear to rule our lives, this is the type of mess we get stuck in.

You are stuck in a hell of your own making.

Just sign me,

A former doormat now enjoying the GOOD LIFE.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

What do I do then do I just go to a hotel for a few days or do I tell her to leave? Do I tell her parents we are splitting up as I know she will make me out to be some evil abusive person to them when I am not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her parents are her problem. Since she's flipped out in front of them a few times, it's doubtful they regard her as a saint. You worry about your parents.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

Lastly... If I leave and regret it, what then?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You want to be sure?

Say 'I hear you with denying an affair. My counselor had a great suggestion, let's have a polygraph test so that you can assure me, we can then move this marriage forward on the basis of trust'

You don't even need to go through with the poly, her eyes those three seconds afterwards will tell you all you need to know. Make sure you tell her when she is calm.

Have you performed a forensic recovery of her phone yet? It is super simple. The answer is ALWAYS on the mobile phone.

You'll regret leaving her if you are a masochist. I personally would have cut bait long ago, cheating or not


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Troubled_Times said:


> Lastly... If I leave and regret it, what then?


You should know by now that there are no guarantees in life. If there were, you could simply return her to her parents & ask for your money back.

You will be better off if you do the emotional work before leaving her. Start the 180 and work on you.


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## Troubled_Times (Dec 13, 2015)

I did a 180 a few months ago and she flipped out and couldn't handle it constantly asking me every two minutes what was wrong and the when I said nothing she didn't accept it and carried on until I finally gave in


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did you stay and let her badger you? You couldn't get in the car & go for a drive? You really, really need the 180. Learn how to stand up to bullys and your life will be a lot easier. No more getting your head dunked in the toilet.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Troubled_Times said:


> Lastly... If I leave and regret it, what then?


We can't help you with that one. If you have oneitis for a woman that isn't showing you love, care, or respect, then your self esteem is supremely low and I recommend you talk with a therapist. Your regret would bleed into your personality, and any woman you want to date in the future will see this and if wise, RUN from it.

You're more worried about how you'll be perceived by others than by your own well being. I suggest you try to shift your focus. People will think what they think.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have a funny feeling you suffer from codependency.......you say you want to leave, you draw the line and the sand and then you come with excuses.....look this is not going to be easy and I told you already she will not make it easy....if you really want to put her over e top tell her you will stay only if she takes a polygraph and watch her response.....I think you personal need help dealing with some of your own issues.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Troubled_Times,

your wife is showing some similar characteristics to mine!

I would advise:

1. Set boundaries
2. Use a VAR for evidence / peace of mind
3. Get councelling, individual / couple
4. Stop showing you give a s**t
5. Read and action No More Mr Nice Guy, you are too nice to her

As yet you have red flags but no evidence.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

She is not victim here my friend you are. 

Stop thinking about her parents and what would they think,they are just like her. She called you names in front of them and they never sided with you. She disrespected you in front of them and I can bet my life they kept their mouths shut.

Let me be honest with you my friend. You will regret leaving her but not the way you think. You are going to ask yourself a question "why didnt you leave earlier".

One more thing-DONT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. She can leave tell her and also she have "good" friends,good co-workers and parents. She told them you are wimp and made laugh about you,so they deserve each other.

Talk with your lawyer and dont tell her anything. Let it be your secret weapon because you have power now over your marriage. You decide what yo want from now on.

You got a lot of Red Flags but I am going to repat-that is not the bigest problem you have. See how she used you,nobody would call her a good wife or even a good friend. Is that what she calls love ??? I got rid of one person who was just like your wife and belive me I am now in better place.

Stay strong my friend.


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