# Friends



## Jellybeans

Most of my 'best' and close friends are female. 

It's dawned on me that I don't really have close guy friends and the ones I am friends with, I don't see or hang out with often. Or I may have some male acquaintances that I run into when I'm out. 

I attribute part of this to having been married and with my ex for nearly a decade. I just didn't keep dude friends around really. 

I was seeing a guy who has a lot of female friends, including his "best friend" who happens to be an ex and I was wondering, am I the odd one out? I mean, in general? For mostly having close/good female friends (same gender)?

Men: is it weird to you if a woman is mostly close/good friends with other females and not that many guy friends?

Gah. I am so lost on this single endeavor.


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## vi_bride04

I would think it would be weird if she ONLY had close/good male friends...I mean usually females who can't keep close female friends have other issues...

Of course you weren't asking women for their opinions 

And now adays, nothing is normal, so try not to feel lost. Just be yourself.


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## Shooboomafoo

For me, it would be preferable for her to have close woman friends, instead of a bunch of dudes hanging around. Who knows how many of those dudes are just looking for a piece...


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## ScarletBegonias

I think if I had the penis I'd be leary of a woman who had lots of manfriends.

As it stands I'm leary of men who have lots of womanfriends hanging around.

I know this may seem immature but I refuse to date a man who has a woman as his BEST friend.I won't even go there.I know my limitations on things i'm capable of handling in a healthy way,the female bestie is not one i can handle in a mature adult manner.


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## NaturalHeart

When I was younger I use to say things like "that is why i'd rather have male friends than female because they keep up to much drama"... Now that I'm older, I wouldnt say that. I have female associates and I have male friends. The male friends I have, I am not attracted to them. 

I'm not saying every situation is like this but most ex-but now "best friends" are one of those two trying to make sure they keep up with what is going on in the ex's life with wanting to maybe someday rekindle. 

It is nothing weird about having more female friends as as female.


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think if I had the penis I'd be leary of a woman who had lots of manfriends.


:rofl:



ScarletBegonias said:


> know my limitations on things i'm capable of handling in a healthy way,the female bestie is not one i can handle in a mature adult manner.



Why? I am curious.


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## vi_bride04

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Why? I am curious.


I know you asked Scarlet, but maybe she feels similar since I agree with her on that...

I know personally, I could never date a man with a woman as a best friend as I am looking for a LTR eventually. And for him to have such an emotional connection with another woman...well...just not interested in that dynamic in a relationship. 

I want to be the best friend. Not some other woman


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## NaturalHeart

You just have to be careful because it is easy to manipulate someone who genuinely loves a friend and wants what is best for that friend.

You have to trust that person but not be blind if the radar goes off. You have to trust that it is genuine and not genuine at times but physical when need be.... stuff like that...

Some people are really genuine friends but some people just hold on waiting for any type of vulnerability and take advantage of that fight with S O ... Not all cases


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## COGypsy

I think it's weird for someone to categorically say that they aren't friends with guys or aren't friends with girls. Black and white thinking is never a good sign, in my mind.

Our friendships happen (in my opinion) as a result of the environments we're in. School, work, hobbies....we make friends with people who we're exposed to. If you work in an office of mostly women or happen to have the same core group of guys and girls in your grad program--that's who you'll most likely end up being friends with. Some of those friendships are casual, some end up being lifelong besties. So to me, our friendships are more a reflection of where you've been or what you've done than some prescribed balance of the genatalia surrounding you at any given time.


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## working_together

I was thinking about this exact topic today while having a coffee with a new male platonic friend. It feels so weird to have a male friend, but it's also nice, and it's different because there is no attraction at all, purely friends. Also being married for years, I never had male friends, and my ex was set against it. I kind of agreed with his rationalization that a person shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex when they're married, I was cool with it. But being single, I do as I please now....lol to a point. I just have to remember to keep my boundaries clear, I'm new to the single life as well, so things become confusing sometimes.

It's all about balance I guess. I like this guy I hang out with, he tells me all about his dating life, and the failures and rejections, and then I kind of feel better about my own life....yeah, that's sad.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Why? I am curious.


It's hard to give a specific reason because I'm not sure if I've actually discovered why it makes me uneasy.
hmmm maybe bc I don't like to share? 

being serious though I really can't give a definitive reason which is why i'm chalking it up to immaturity on my part.I'm a secure person but the thought of dating a man with a female as his bestie rubs me wrong.

wish I could give a clear reason:scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias

vi_bride04 said:


> I know you asked Scarlet, but maybe she feels similar since I agree with her on that...
> 
> I know personally, I could never date a man with a woman as a best friend as I am looking for a LTR eventually. And for him to have such an emotional connection with another woman...well...just not interested in that dynamic in a relationship.
> 
> I want to be the best friend. Not some other woman


this is probably the closest way to have my feelings about it described. I totally agree with wanting to be the best friend.


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> I want to be the best friend. Not some other woman





ScarletBegonias said:


> hmmm maybe bc I don't like to share?


Well, I agree with you both.  I just wanted to pick you brains.


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## Shooboomafoo

Im glad you girls think this way. I started my marriage with this mindset, and was made to feel outdated and old fashioned by not being perfectly comfortable with so very many "good" male friends the ex had. I guess since having something close and personal was so damned hard anyways throughout the marriage, it felt competetive.


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## Jellybeans

Shoo--I have always had a lot of girlfriends but in my younger years, I did have close guy friends (high scool, college). During that time in my life, I didn't really date. I honestly attribute the lack of close male buddies now due to having been married and with my ex all through my 20s. It was clear he wasn't ok with it and I respected that. He also didn't have close female friends. It worked for us. So that is why now I don't think I have a lot of close dude friends.


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## meson

Jellybeans said:


> I was seeing a guy who has a lot of female friends, including his "best friend" who happens to be an ex and I was wondering, am I the odd one out? I mean, in general? For mostly having close/good female friends (same gender)?
> 
> Men: is it weird to you if a woman is mostly close/good friends with other females and not that many guy friends?
> 
> Gah. I am so lost on this single endeavor.


No, it’s not weird to me. I think it depends upon the person. Some people just get along better with women or men and will tend to have more of one or the other accordingly.

My wife gets along with men better than women and when I met her she had more male friends then female. The way she talks and the things she talks about are things that a lot of women don't find as interesting. 

Likewise for me I get along with females better than your typical male. The fratboy type of interaction and hibernating in a man cave just doesn't do anything for me. One of my best friends is a male and in general he gets along better with females as well. 

So I think it is more about the compatibility of personality types more than anything.

Today in suburbia where we live and because of our kid activities we are around more people that are not compatible with our types than ever before. But when we travel we find lots of people that we are more compatible. So Jelly, you just may be living in a place where you feel like you are the odd one out but most likely you are not alone in that respect because I feel like we are the odd ones out here. Maybe we should swap locations .


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## heartsbeating

I used to have many guy friends 'back in the day'.......now, I feel absolutely blessed to have close friendships with women. I love them. They have seen me at my worst and vice verse. I feel as though they inspire, encourage and support me. And hopefully I give that to them in return. We're not in each others pockets, months can pass and then we'll see each other but those bonds are close. I have a lot of respect for the women in my life.


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## COguy

Weird? I think it's normal and healthy! Someone who only has friends with opposite gender is a disaster waiting to happen.

Not to mention if things get serious they still have a support system.


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## vi_bride04

COguy said:


> Weird? I think it's normal and healthy! Someone who only has friends with opposite gender is a disaster waiting to happen.


My sister is one of those people. Mainly only guy friends...and yes...a disaster!


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## jaquen

Do I find it weird if a woman has only female friends? Not at all. Millions of women in the US fit this bill.

But I also don't find it weird at all for a woman to have male friends either. I'm friends with quite a few females, most of whom are in committed, long term relationships, so obviously I know first hand that women and men can be platonic friends. And I don't think I know a single female friend who doesn't have male friends (besides me of course). 

I wonder if it's generational? Most of my friends are in their 20's and 30's.


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## southbound

I apparently live in an old fashioned area, but I can't think of any married women who have close male friends. It seems natural. Sure, we are all acquainted with opposite sex people and would consider them friends, but nobody that is close like a same sex friend. people would be a little leery of that where I'm from. So, nothing weird about it in my mind.


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## Shooboomafoo

If I had a really close female friend, Id want to marry her. That would be nice for a change.


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## Deejo

I have dated several women that had MANY if not most of their close relationships being dudes.

If, as the one with the penis, you have done your due diligence and have already executed your own man plan, it becomes very easy to recognize whether or not a male 'friend' has become firmly filed in the 'friend zone'. If he has ... he simply isn't a threat in any way shape or form. He's like a girlfriend ... which I'm certainly not interested in being ... ever.

I'm not looking to change up any one's dynamic that I meet and start a relationship with. And if for whatever reason, their friendships conflict with the conduct of our relationship, then my 'man plan' dictates that I leave.

It's just kind of that simple.

So Jelly ... overall, I would suggest that if you feel like you want to get a better perspective on men, particularly when it comes to dating and relationships, then do strike up a friendship with a few guys ... and pay attention to whether or not they are trying to be more than your friend.

On the flip-side, if a guy has a lot of female friends, he is either entrenched in the friend-zone, or he has many women that would like to be partnered with him as more than friends.


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## working_together

Jelly, I have one male friend who I have made it very clear that I am not attracted to. He's the first male friend that I've had in 25 years. We hang out once in a while, mostly we chat on the phone and discuss our dating stories. We give each other advice, and some of my advice actually worked for him.. go figure. We share similar values etc. I enjoy a male perspective every now and then. 

But, I would never only have male friends, I enjoy my female friends.


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## NextTimeAround

I thought I was pals with a couple of guys in the past few years. but then I noticed on at least 2 occasions these guy pals have ****blocked other guys.

IMO, it's just not worth having male friends. And I don't trust women who claim that male friends are better than female friends.


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## jaquen

NextTimeAround said:


> And I don't trust women who claim that male friends are better than female friends.


Maybe comments like this from other women are exactly why some women have trouble being in friendship with members of their sex.


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## NextTimeAround

jaquen said:


> Maybe comments like this from other women are exactly why some women have trouble being in friendship with members of their sex.


do you want to get into a chicken and egg discussion? and what makes you think I advertise this sentiment in real life?

Aren't we supposed to be able to talk candidly about how we feel?

Maybe it's posts like yours that derail entire message board threads.


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## jaquen

NextTimeAround said:


> do you want to get into a chicken and egg discussion? and what makes you think I advertise this sentiment in real life? Aren't we supposed to be able to talk candidly about how we feel?


I actually didn't say anything at all about what sentiments you express in your real life. My post isn't about your "real life" at all. My post was about comments "like" that, and how some women stay out of relationship with the same sex because of judgmental statements like you posted. That's the main reason the women in my life who happen to have mostly male friends have given me; they just can't get down with all the knee jerk judgement, and constant suspicion some women have about other women.




NextTimeAround said:


> Maybe it's posts like yours that derail entire message board threads.


Seeing as I'm posting perfectly on topic, I think this so called derailment doesn't really hold much merit.


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## dixieangel

Our opinions are formed by our life experiences....

At 45 years old, I've given up on trying to have a male friend. I've tried so hard and it never works out. It always comes to sex. It has never failed. I've only been close friends with females.

Husband disagrees and wants his exes at his fingertips. HUGE problem.


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## Jayb

I think it's normal fand healthy for genders to have friends of the the same gender.  I've always held the idea that opposite sexes cannot be friends. True friends. At least, without holding something back, primarily due to sexual tension, even if repressed.

Now the range of friendships varies from acquaintance to bff. I'd be suspicious of a woman who's best friend were a male. Not necessarily on her part, but more on his.

Likewise, during my marriage, I wasn't friends with women. Friendly, yes. Friends, no. I was aware of the slippery slope and possible temptation on my part. I respected my ex-wife too much to even foster the idea of friendship with the opposite gender.

FWIW.


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## heartsbeating

One of my true friends is male.....he's gay. We don't see each other often but I know he has my back. He gave me words of wisdom to consider about my marriage, and where I was at last year, that really stuck with me.


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## Jellybeans

Jayb said:


> Now the range of friendships varies from acquaintance to bff. I'd be suspicious of a woman who's best friend were a male. Not necessarily on her part, but more on his.


Expand on this, please.


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## meson

I can't speak for Jayb but I do see a bit of this mistrust. The assumption is that all men are after sex otherwise why invest in the friendship. I disagree with this bit it is a prevelant viewpoint. 

I have experienced being c0kblocked by a guy who had a girlfriend but has a close relationship with this women I know who is single. This caused me to distrust his motives.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah it makes you wonder what is up with that


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## hope4family

While I dont see a problem with females having male friends or vice versa. When they chose to reach out to them with their problems instead of you. That is the start of something potentially incredibly unhealthy. 

Men & Women always have the potential of an ulterior motive. Even friends with the best of intentions are capable of failing the other persons relationship.


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## Jellybeans

hope4family said:


> While I dont see a problem with females having male friends or vice versa. *When they chose to reach out to them with their problems instead of you*.


That's exactly how affairs start. Anytime you start complaining about your partner to a friend of the opposite sex, the door gets opened.


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## WTFnow

I was married 20 years and moved around a bit for work. My life was my wife and two daughters. I had guys I worked with all day in my different jobs but they weren't close friends. I dedicated my life to my family.

Now I'm in my 40's, divorced with no relationship with my ex, two older teen daughters who are busy doing their own thing, and I don't have one friend around. I have my dog, that's it.

I'm an old-school guy. I never really had female friends and any women I got close with was to have a sexual relationship, not play cards and smoke cigars on a golf course.

So is it odd not to have any friends? No. Your wife was your friend, the one you trusted and loved. And now, at least for me, there's no one. WTF now?


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## jaquen

WTFnow said:


> WTF now?


Now you learn how to make friends. Good friends breath life into any person, regardless of marital status.


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