# I did something terrible and really need help getting out of this mess



## sami (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help about what to do right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a new place has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with so a really old college friend let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 daughters) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that may make her hate me forever. 

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never felt that way about him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed - he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordize our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with the kids and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty wasted. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so trashed, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either...he pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they're at work. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty...I know I'm a horrible person for what I did. 

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

You need to tell her, apologize and then immediately leave the house and stay somewhere else.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

yeah_right said:


> You need to tell her, apologize and then immediately leave the house and stay somewhere else.


This. Not much else to say. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sami said:


> I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help about what to do right now.
> 
> 
> I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.


What you do is you get out of their house STAT.

He is probably going to tell his wife. 

Dude. Girl code. You never ever cross that line with your girlfriend's husband. It's just...no. 

You say you don't want to cause any trouble--you already have.

Leave their house ASAP.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yup :iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sami (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm too frightened to tell her. I don't want to cause them any trouble. She will be home very soon and I can't face her! I want to talk to him, apologize and ask him what he wants me to do, but he comes home pretty late. I just want to hide in the bedroom forever


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Woman up. If you had the audacity to do that surely you can own it. And what if he already told her? You need to get out of their house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sami said:


> I'm too frightened to tell her. I don't want to cause them any trouble. She will be home very soon and I can't face her! I want to talk to him, apologize and ask him what he wants me to do, but he comes home pretty late. I just want to hide in the bedroom forever


If he's at all intelligent, he told her about it last night. If he was posting in here, we'd tell him to tell her ASAP. You not coming clean on it immediately will just make you look worse. 

Tell her. Have your stuff packed. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear about the troubles in your life, sami. 

-You need to be honest with your friend.
-You need to apologize to both of them for everything.
-You need to be ready for the almost sure possibility that you've burned a friendship, because she has every right to be furious and not to trust you.
-You need to find another place to say.

Get better, and good luck.

SH


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## sami (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you for the responses and not judging me. I first have to find out if he has told her or if he wants to. If he wants me to keep quiet, isn't that the right thing to do? He hasn't done anything wrong and there is no reason to get him in trouble over my mistake


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It kind of depends on how good friends they are, but it's clear you need to cut way back on your drinking. People do all kinds of things when they drink. If you don't deal with the situation and just bail and run away from the housing situation, she might think the worst, not just that you were drunk and clearly not thinking straight. It's kind of normal that you'd suddenly be attracted to a "model" husband and father during a divorce. Now you know how great some guys can be, not taking advantage of you and even watching out for you...that's a good friend, and you are probably safer in that house than you'd be elsewhere. Just stop drinking. Apologize to both of them for being a nuisance while you were drunk and leave it at that. I don't think you're attracted to the guy any more than you were before, you'd just attaching to a secure romanticized version of what you want for yourself. And people are on their best behavior towards each other when they have house guests, so feel free to take the guy off his pedestal. He's decent, but you're in a time of life when you're not thinking clearly and you want to feel taken care of and protected, that's not love, it's just tribal attachment stuff.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Let me make this plain and in strong language to demonstrate my seriousness...no matter whether or not you do the honest, right thing by telling her, you need to GTFO now. Seriously,do not even talk to him about it. Leave him alone. They gave you help and support and you sh!t on their family. Pack your bags and leave the house. NOW! They have children. If you are for real, then that's my advice.

I know it sounds harsh, but it actually is the best decision for everyone involved, especially you. Why would you even want to torture yourself with guilt and lust? Not healthy.


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## sami (Nov 26, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Let me make this plain and in strong language to demonstrate my seriousness...no matter whether or not you do the honest, right thing by telling her, you need to GTFO now. Seriously,do not even talk to him about it. Leave him alone. They gave you help and support and you sh!t on their family. Pack your bags and leave the house. NOW! They have children. If you are for real, then that's my advice.
> 
> I know it sounds harsh, but it actually is the best decision for everyone involved, especially you. Why would you even want to torture yourself with and lust? Not healthy.


It's always been my intention to leave as soon as I could. I got comfortable with them and it's been really hard finding a place of my own, so things have been moving slower than I had hoped. I didn't in a million years expect to do something as idiotic as what I did last night. 

I am definitely moving out as soon as possible. I'll either find another friend to stay with or even just go to a hotel. But I can't leave without making things right, that'll only make the situation worse, don't you think?


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## sami (Nov 26, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It kind of depends on how good friends they are, but it's clear you need to cut way back on your drinking. People do all kinds of things when they drink. If you don't deal with the situation and just bail and run away from the housing situation, she might think the worst, not just that you were drunk and clearly not thinking straight. It's kind of normal that you'd suddenly be attracted to a "model" husband and father during a divorce. Now you know how great some guys can be, not taking advantage of you and even watching out for you...that's a good friend, and you are probably safer in that house than you'd be elsewhere. Just stop drinking. Apologize to both of them for being a nuisance while you were drunk and leave it at that. I don't think you're attracted to the guy any more than you were before, you'd just attaching to a secure romanticized version of what you want for yourself. And people are on their best behavior towards each other when they have house guests, so feel free to take the guy off his pedestal. He's decent, but you're in a time of life when you're not thinking clearly and you want to feel taken care of and protected, that's not love, it's just tribal attachment stuff.


We are good friends, or rather we are very old friends. She and the husband have been living out of the country for years and only moved back several years ago when she was pregnant with the first child. So since she got married, we haven't seen too much of each other, but remained in touch and she was kind enough to help me when I didn't have anywhere else to go.

How I feel about him doesn't matter. There's no way that I'm intending to pursue anything with him. I just want to make this right


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sit down with BOTH of them and tell them what you told us here. Apologize and then immediately find somewhere else to live.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How would he get on trouble for what YOU did?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There's a lot of denial here. You don't want to tell her and that's why you keep saying you want to talk to him and not her. You prefer to hide it. Which says it all. Really, if you have any respect at all for your friend and her marriage, you would get out of their house today. It doesn't even seem like you want to. How long have you been there? This is so wrong.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I say leave now, not only for your friends sake but also the awkward position her husbands been put in.
Clear the from air from afar.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

As far as what you did....do you think this happened because he's a man and there and he was comforting you? Maybe it had nothing to do with actually being attracted to him, but more of you feeling vulnerable. Just a thought. 

I think you can have an adult conversation with both of them, apologize and go from there. Your friend will probably lose trust in you, but maybe she'll be understanding.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Leave them a thank you and I'm sorry letter. By leave them I mean leave the house for good. Let your friend know you are ready to offer the apology face to face when she and if she wants it.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

sami said:


> I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help about what to do right now.
> 
> I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a new place has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with so a really old college friend let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 daughters) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that may make her hate me forever.
> 
> ...


*You might use the drinking as an excuse. But you wanted to kiss that man. If he had not stop you would have had your way with him. Let's call it what it was an offer. At this point you are know longer a friend. You should not tell the wife nothing.You just get your things and leave now. *


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

If he takes his marriage seriously at all. He will tell her as soon as he sees her, if he has not already. And if I were in his place i would want yOu out of the house right now. You need to tell your friend NOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> If he takes his marriage seriously at all. He will tell her as soon as he sees her, if he has not already. And if I were in his place i would want yOu out of the house right now. You need to tell your friend NOW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/Q
> 
> I agree. He may have to remain conflicted for a while as to how to handle this, but eventually he will tell her and your character will be exposed.
> ...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If one of my W's friends did that, I would squeal like a pig. I'd want her to find out from ME, because if she found out from someone else, then she may think that there was more to the story.

Now, I know that you were drunk and not totally in control of your senses, but you stated before that you were attracted to him some time before this incident. THAT is where your trouble started, not when you were drunk.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and let him tell his W. If he has any shred of decency, he will tell her. But I am in agreement with others: you need to GET OUT NOW!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

You were/are attracted to your friend's H, probably for a lot of complex reasons, and you realize this is dangerous so of course you need to leave their house ASAP.

As for the other, I honestly don't think you did something "really terrible." You were very drunk and did something impulsively stupid (like getting a tattoo). Your friend's H reacted in the right way. I say apologize to him and ask him if he told his W or intends to. If yes, apologize to her as well. If no, then drop it. If even after you move out you continue to have feelings for this man, then I think you'll have to deal with it by being honest with her and severing a relationship with them.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

time to make your own way in the world.

stop making excuses looking for a place to stay is slower than expected. drink until you make poor choices.

come on time to buckle down and get your life in order.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He didn't do anything wrong. So there won't BE any problems between them. There will just be problems for YOU. As it should be.

Man up and tell her the truth and take your lumps.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sami said:


> We are good friends, or rather we are very old friends. She and the husband have been living out of the country for years and only moved back several years ago when she was pregnant with the first child. So since she got married, we haven't seen too much of each other, but remained in touch and she was kind enough to help me when I didn't have anywhere else to go.
> 
> How I feel about him doesn't matter. *There's no way that I'm intending to pursue anything with him.* I just want to make this right


And yet, you did pursue. Drunk or sober, it doesn't matter. You did, in fact, pursue your friend's husband and now you want to stay on location until it is convenient for you to leave? And you expect that your friend will understand?

If you really loved your friend, and were truly sorry for making an advance at her husband, and truly felt genuine remorse and wanted to make things right, you would leave NOW like most of the posters here have been telling you. No excuses. No dragging your feet. No planning to avoid telling your friend. No addressing the situation with her husband. Nothing. You would apologize and leave.

It appears you are hoping that this event will just go away. It won't.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Get the hell out of her house now. And if her hb has any brains he's already told her so you don't have Assn opportunity to paint him as the bad guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Get the hell out of her house now. And if her hb has any brains he's already told her so you don't have Assn opportunity to paint him as the bad guy. At
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Get the hell out of her house now. And if her hb has any brains he's already told her so you don't have an opportunity to paint him as the bad guy. At least her hb has class and character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

They must have come home by now. So OP, what happened? Are you still living with them?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

> How I feel about him doesn't matter. There's no way that I'm intending to pursue anything with him.* I just want to make this right*


Sorry to repeat what has been said, but even if you are offering them both a heartfelt and true apology now - you need to tell your friend what happened and move out.

Move out even she/they still offer the place for you.

Yes it will be a big pain in the *** to move, but if you have any respect and appreciation for the friend, you need to go.

Good luck with your situation.


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