# Discipline Question



## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

I grew up in an era where if you misbehaved (or did something really bad) you got spanked. I recall getting my dad's belt across my you-know-where on occasion, but I only got whupping when I DESERVED a whupping!

Today, so it seems, you so much as spank your child, Social Services threatens to take your child away and lock you up for "child abuse", never mind that your only trying to correct your young one. 

My question: Were you ever spanked by your mom/dad as a child? And do you spank your own children?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hubby321 said:


> My question: Were you ever spanked by your mom/dad as a child? And do you spank your own children?



I was definitely spanked as a child (one time I recall my dad using his belt -I was careless with a neighbor boy & hurt him, I was sure to NEVER do that again!) and I have also spanked my children. But when out in public, as you are so aware of these days, I will not do this because who wants to invite social services into your life. My children are very well behaved because I do whatever it takes to keep them in line. Spanking is a small part of their childhood, a threatening with the paddle is common place in my house. Just talking about it -gives me results. I appreciate this fact. 

But once they hit a certain age & mentality, it becomes more about taking things away from them -things they LOVE & obsess over (like video games, their ipod) to teach them a lesson, to then GRAB their attention. 

But yes, when very Young, when still learning & not understanding what they are doing, I feel a firm spanking will grab their attention more than a "time out" lesson - for example if a young child throws sand in the face of another, they don't really get the gravity of how they are hurting the other child, so a little spanking WILL at least let them know they did something very wrong and they better not do it again.

I was never one to lash out in school, be a bully or anything at all, becuase I was spanked at home (only a few times mind you that I recall), I do not feel this hurt me personally in life at all. 

These laws came about because SOME parents CAN and HAVE went too far in spanking to the Point of Abuse, this can not be denied. And this IS wrong and should be reported. Kinda like the NO Tolerance rules in schools these days, some things are completely & utterly harmless - but you will get in AS MUCH trouble for it -just cause it has become a Rule, what this so often does is complety throw out "common sense".


Very unfortunate.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I was spanked as a child, absolutely. And yes, we do spank our sons today. We very rarely spank them, but if it's necessary, we absolutely do it. We try to limit it to things that are really, really big (such as running away in a parking lot), or after we've done other things and nothing is effective. He will spank them in public; I tend to prefer to do it at home, or at least find a bathroom somewhere. While I feel spanking is an effective punishment, I do not want someone claiming I abuse my child over it, and I don't think humiliation is a good thing. And I think being spanked in front of others would be very humiliating, and therefore negate the good effects the spanking might otherwise have. 

For the most part, we generally stick with things like time out, privileges/toys taken away, early bed time, and grounding. These things seem to be the most effective methods for getting them to behave appropriately. They don't want to lose their video games or their legos, so the mere threat that it will happen is often enough to get them in line.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Society is going from one side to the other, how many people are balanced? 

It is important to discipline children because they don't know what is right or wrong, especially when they are little. 

But never discipline your children when you are angry yourself, because you might lose control.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Yes I was spanked as a child. It was the least effective tool in their parenting toolbox. I never ever hit my children. Everywhere I go, people comment on how well behaved my children are. And I never have to resort to threats, pain or intimidation. Thank GOODNESS for Madalyn Swift, or I never would have learned good parenting tools that bring stress free family life. 

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Great book. 

For me "spanking" covers such a range of things from just not super effective for anything but immediate behavior management, the least important factor of child raising in my book to mildly destructive in terms of eroding cooperation and instilling resentment to abusive. For me, I would not chose to use this technique of child rearing since there are so many better and *more effective* things one can do.

Lots of people are just lazy though and don't think past keeping their kids in line. Smack. There, they are back in line.

But that's me.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

All I know is. . .when I was spanked as a child, I never, EVER deserved it.

I was never bad or naughty.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

My dad never ever laid a finger on me, not even yelled at me when I was little, but my mom did shout and spank me. I am not against spanking, but not with a belt that's too much for a kid or anyone. 

Although hitting children does not usually make them behave, in fact, beaten children are more naughty, but sometimes when everything else fails (talking, explaining etc), spanking is the best solution.

BTW how do you spank your child? I mean is it just once or twice or you sit them on your lap and spank them many times?

I would only spank on the butt once or twice max.


----------



## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

I agree that taking away things (i.e. phone, iPod, etc.) would be more effective today, but when I was a kid none of those things existed - I grew up in the '60s and '70s - I thought the inability to sit down a couple days would teach a lesson. I was in a school at which the kids were actually ABUSED by the staff - punched, kicked, arm-twisted - today, such a school would be shut down and the staff within fired (and hopefully, in jail!) But to whack your child once or twice (open hand) in my opinion is okay IF WARRANTED. I'm on the fence about using the belt though.


----------



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I have raised three amazing children, and yes, I spanked. Most important thing is being extremely consistant, so I only had to do it very few times. And I made sure that I never did it in anger. Wasn't really hard, but only enough to show them that in real life, actions have consequences. 

Will admit that I never had to spank one of the three. Two were strong willed, but helped them to see this as a strong positive in life, when balanced with self control.

Results? They are in college, and my best friends. Two are published authors of short stories, and professional harpists.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> My dad never ever laid a finger on me, not even yelled at me when I was little, but my mom did shout and spank me. I am not against spanking, but not with a belt that's too much for a kid or anyone.
> 
> Although hitting children does not usually make them behave, in fact, beaten children are more naughty, but sometimes when everything else fails (talking, explaining etc), spanking is the best solution.
> 
> ...


I can't speak for anyone else, but we only spank with the hand, once or twice. Never even hard enough to really leave any mark or hurt, and generally doesn't bring a tear to their eye except maybe due to hurt pride or an attempt to get out of trouble. Like I said in my previous answer, most of the time we try to limit spanking to those situations where there's a serious, legitimate concern, like they've run out into a parking lot or something like that. They're spanked so rarely that when it happens, they know that whatever they did was seriously wrong and it gets their attention.


----------



## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I was spanked as a child. I don't see myself as having been abused, but my dad was pretty extreme with it. At one point after I turned 7 years old (the catholic "age of reason") I was getting spanked every day. He sometimes spanked me in anger. That sucked pretty bad.

My last spanking was when I was 17 years old. It was completely humiliating and I think both of us were embarrassed. Soon after that incident I left home for the military and never looked back. I speak to my parents now, and I love them, but they always seem to wonder why I don't move back "home". Ya think?

I was the black sheep of my family but I have a younger brother. I think they all thought I deserved what I got until I left town and my dad started in on my brother. I was sad for him but that really validated me. Well, it was too little too late but at least they all saw I wasn't the one with the problem.

I would spank my own kids, because I was kind of bad as a kid and very stubborn (still am ;-) I don't have any kids though. I think raising kids takes a lot of patience and people should really make sure they want them before bringing them into the world.

-WNM

PS I do think sometimes spanking is necessary for kids, just don't go overboard with it. After a while I just started ignoring my dad because he over-used spanking as a punishment. After a while I'd just take my licks and not cry, I'd just be ticked off. And after the spanking was over, I'd just do what I wanted to anyway. So that backfired!


----------



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I have two young sons, and I do not spank them, per se. I have swat them quickly (the parking lot example comes to mind), but it's a safety check, and never more than one, open handed, etc.

My kids also get comments constantly about how well mannered they are - and they are! I adore being with them, and they have excellent manners in public. I have taught them about expectations and manners - using words and example actions. I will tell them appropriate alternatives, rather than simply what they shouldn't do.

I do remember getting spanked as a young woman. I have no memory about what I did wrong, but I do remember wooden spoons being broken on my butt, and being utterly humiliated. No way can I do that to my kids.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I have a daughter and two sons, all three have been spanked. But usually well deserved, My daughter maybe twice in her life? she is 13 now. My middle child has gottent eh most spankings, because of the way he treats the youngest.

But usually raising my voice, or the threat of spanking, and I usually give a count to three...usually does the trick.

My wife yells far more then I do, so when they know I get mad...it means business.

All three kids are straight A students, athletes, and well behaved in School.

Kids will try and push your buttons see how far they can push you, you need to be consitant for all the children and no favortites.

I think the other thing that helps is I coach their sport teams, so they see that I am stern with other children and also how much fun they have with me. I am known as the "fun coach" everyone wants to be on my teams.

My parents love me, because I believe in team punishment. So when a few kids are out of line the whole team gets punished, they soon realize their actions are hurting their friends, I usually only have to do it 2-3 times early on in the season..

Their is abuse and their is discipline, spanking is not a crime.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> where there's a serious, legitimate concern, like they've run out into a parking lot or something like that. They're spanked so rarely that when it happens, they know that whatever they did was seriously wrong and it gets their attention.


Why do you have to HIT them to get their attention? :scratchhead: I mean maybe my kids are just remarkably intelligent. But even as young as 2 and 3, they could understand that cars flatten people.

Why would a kid run out in traffic? Because they lack impulse control. How does hitting them help establish impulse control? It doesn't. Instead it causes them to understand that if they do something "wrong" that they don't even know is wrong, Mom will hurt me. Focus has just completely moved from the dangers of running out in the road to the spanking.

I don't think spanking every once in a while is the abusive damaging business that lots of serious attachment parenting people do. I am so far from an attachment parent, it is not even funny. But when I read conversations like these it makes me sad because there are better ways to raise kids than the Pavlovian reward/punishment scheme i see played out day after day in schools and hear about in people's homes.

There are a couple of problems with punishment / reward. First it seems to assume that misbehavior is willful and is caused by being "bad" or "naughty." Well later if enough punishment and reward is used, that may well be the case. But kids don't start out misbehaving because they want to be bad. They misbehave because they are clueless, uncivilized bozos. But if we expect them to be bad, they will begin to feel like they ARE bad. Then they will live up to our expectation and their belief and BE bad.

Another problem with punishment/reward is the change in focus from the learning that needs to be done to the reward or punishment. When I ran a daycare, I had a bunch of little kids who KNEW that they weren't supposed to hit. But they really did not learn any skills to avoid it. OK I know I am not supposed to hit, but what AM I supposed to do when Joey walks over and takes my toy from me? 

To be sure actions have consequences. And it is absolutely true that kids sometimes need motivation to see things they way they should. But almost every single situation in which said consequence is necessary, the situation offers its own consequence. Kids who run out in the road are not old enough or responsible enough to walk, they must be in the stroller / hold Mom's hand. Kids want freedom. They don't want to be stuck in the stroller. 

Anyway, there is so much MORE to discipline than behavior modification. Punishment / reward is never going to get to the best part of what we parents are charged with teaching our kids. If I can convince ONE person to read the book I linked above, I would dance a jig. 

S


----------



## Braelynn21203 (Oct 4, 2010)

I was spanked as a child. And I believe my parents were right to spank me if I was misbehaving. I do not have children right now, my husband and I are working on that ( :smthumbup: ), but when we do I will most definitely spank my children if they act up.

But there's a difference from spanking/ reprimanding a child and abuse. I mean if you're bruising your child, then you're doing it WAY too hard. And it should never reach that point. A tap or two with a wooden spoon is about it cause the thought of it to a child is usually worse than the actual spank (at least in my experience).


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I was spanked as a child, but I don't spank my kids. I have found other forms of discipline work better with them. It really depends on the child.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I was not spanked and do not spank my children. Taking away their items or grounding them (as in you can't go out with friends for a week) is more effective but takes consistency and follow through on the part of the parent. My youngest is 4 and my oldest will be 14 in two weeks with a 10 year old in the middle. I think they're all really well behaved, intelligent, beautiful angels but I am biased. heh


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I was spanked as a child, on the butt. Our father made us go pick out the belt for him to use. Lucky we were all pretty well behaved kids, so didn't end up getting spanked often. The worst thing about it was the humiliation. I don't ever want to make my children feel humiliated like that.

I've found 'time out' to be fairly effective. I have swatted my son's backside a few times, but soon realised he simply does not and will not respond to that sort of discipline at all. He reminds me of a boy I went to primary school with who was laughing as our teacher, who was a Nun, wacked his bottom with a ruler. The harder she hit him, the harder he laughed. She had to eventually just give up. It's just pointless with some children.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Why do you have to HIT them to get their attention? :scratchhead: I mean maybe my kids are just remarkably intelligent. But even as young as 2 and 3, they could understand that cars flatten people.
> 
> Why would a kid run out in traffic? Because they lack impulse control. How does hitting them help establish impulse control? It doesn't. Instead it causes them to understand that if they do something "wrong" that they don't even know is wrong, Mom will hurt me. Focus has just completely moved from the dangers of running out in the road to the spanking.
> 
> S


I don't HIT them. I spank them. One or two quick swats on the bottom. Hitting implies I ball up my hand into a fist, or slap them, or something like that, and I do NONE of that. Additionally, I used the car thing as an example to show that I only do it for serious things, not for little things that aren't all that important. 

And why do I do it to get their attention? Because it gets their attention. I rarely spank them, so when I do they know it's a big deal. 

Additionally, they have ADHD. Sometimes it takes something dramatic or shocking to get their attention. If I have to swat them on the butt to get their attention, then that's what I'll do.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I don't HIT them. I spank them.


Pray tell precisely what the difference is, besides the word intended to make you feel better


> One or two quick swats on the bottom. Hitting implies I ball up my hand into a fist, or slap them, or something like that, and I do NONE of that.


You "swatted" them .... or like a SLAP?

Actual definition having nothing to do with a balled up fist...


to deal a blow or stroke to

[/quote]


> Additionally, they have ADHD. Sometimes it takes something dramatic or shocking to get their attention. If I have to swat them on the butt to get their attention, then that's what I'll do.


Like say... removing them physically fro the dangerous situation? My kid has ADHD too. Never had to resort to hitting him.

Anyway the point is entirely moot since it seems obvious you did not even read the rest of my post.

Good luck!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Anyway the point is entirely moot since it seems obvious you did not even read the rest of my post.
> 
> Good luck!


The point is entirely moot because you and I disagree, and you seem only to want to attempt to change my mind. You have your way; I have mine. You raise your children; I'll raise mine. You have no right, nor do I desire for you, to change my mind. My children are wonderful, rather well-behaved, very intelligent, respectful children. Whether you agree with my method of raising them to be that way matters not at all to me. 

I can respect that you raise your children differently...can you not do the same?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am not trying to change your mind. Attempting to change a person's mind on the internet is a waste of time.

I DO contend that people use language to make themselves feel better, to avoid thinking about a matter. I used to tell people I had a "drinking problem." I am not an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem. And the difference between those two things? My ability to pretend it is no big deal. To feel fine about myself.

If I were to strike my counter top (say in frustration or whatever) with an open hand, you would not say I was spanking it. If *I* hit *your* child in any manner, you likely would not say I was spanking. You would say I hit your child.

I would love to respect your opinion, but as yet you have given me nothing compelling to go on. I gave you some thoughts on what I perceive to be real risks to spanking. I don't know what your thoughts are on those risks or on other techniques which would be as or more effective. 

I don't poke my eyes very often with hat pins. Does that make the times I poke my eyes with hat pins good? Don't think so!

I doubt your children are going to wind up spending all their money on counseling when they are grown to deal with the fact that you spanked them a few times. I have given less than NO worry over the fact that my parents spanked me. As I said, not one of their most useful tactics from my point of view. 

But I will never understand why people feel so threatened when given an alternative point of view to consider when dealing with children. I remember telling my father-in-law that I was reading a bunch of books. He was appalled! Appalled! One parents by instinct! I suppose that is fine if you want to make sure your child does not eat the poisonous red berries or get eaten by predators. But we live in a fairly complex society, with fairly complex demands on our children. And as far as I am concerned, something that important and complex requires thought, careful thought. 

As I said, my parents used spanking. In addition my Mom was huge into fear, shame and guilt. I was very well behaved. As far as SHE could see. I sure did not want to get caught. But nor did I care to do what was good and right for its own sake. I paid a high price for that. And Lordy knows my parents were the LAST people I would go to if I had some kind of trouble I needed help with.

I know for a fact that that is not what I want for my kids. I don't think most people do. But I think a lot of people get entrenched in the ways that they have known and don't know much what else to do. 

Anyway those are my thoughts on the matter.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

hmm spanking *is * a form of hitting... it's just the "acceptable" version lol 

You can hit a person lightly or hard, with a fist or your palm, punch them, slap them, use a belt, a baseball bat or even just a soft kiddie ball, it's all in the category of "hitting" IMO.

In some languages they don't even have a separate word for "spanking" they use the word "hit".


----------

