# I need help



## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

Wife has left me! Im hurting bad. Married 20 years. She is with another man, dont know if they have become intimate or not. Its bothering me. She met him in a mental institution where she stayed for 11 days. He is/was her support but now they have been together for almost 2 weeks. Has been a lot going on. She was diagnosed bipolar, she has been in trouble with law. I miss her so bad. I dont care what she has done. I just want my wife and my life back. Now she is trying to detox from methadone and has him to try to help her. I want so bad to be the one to help her. I wish I didnt love her so this didnt hurt so bad. Brand new here so havent figured it out yet. Hopefully there is a way to chat. I really need to talk with people.


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## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

ANY 1 please talk with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Fish,

You probably don't want to hear this but this is the pain we all have to go through. You can have hope that she will see the error of her ways and come back to you, but you can't bet on it. If I have learned anything from my wife leaving me it is that when women leave their husbands they have reasons (sometimes good, sometimes bad) and those reasons rarely change. It sucks, I know. I have been separated for almost three months and I know now that I will never get her back. It took me over two months to figure that one out. 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. None of us deserved this hand we were dealt, but it is what it is and we just have to try and move forward for ourselves. I wish I could give you the miracle cure for your pain and tell you what to do to get your wife back, but it just doesn't exist. You can try the 180, but do it for yourself, not for her. Keep talking here on this board. It really helped me and many others. We are here for you.


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## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

Sucks is the word for sure. I just want her here. I miss her so bad already. Cant imagine feeling better at this point. Trying to be strong. I have my 15 year old daughter and 19 year old son living with me. I have to get better for them. I cant continue to just hide out in my bathroom. Tried going to cookout today but had to leave. Just not ready to be around people. Thank you and I hope this pain subsides soon.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am sorry you're going through this. If she her bipolar isn't being properly treated, I don't think she'll ever be the person you want her to be. Maybe that's already been the case, I don't know. I have a case of the bipolar but I am very well controlled on meds. My life would be in shambles if it weren't.

Maybe she get get proper treatment and you can fix your lives together?


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Just remember that you don't have to be around people if you don't want to be. Your kids and you should be the number one priority now. If you need to get out of the house, just go for a walk for 30 minutes. If you have anger, "pound the pavement" and imagine that you are stepping on the things that make you angry. It does help, at least it did for me. I went to an event a few weeks ago and thank God it was outside because my sunglasses were hiding the tears that were coming out. 

Make sure you have people you can talk to as well. My W says she doesn't talk to anyone about this and my therapist says that it is the wrong way to do that. Find at least one friend that you can sit with and vent or cry or whatever you need to do. You can't be alone, but you don't have to be around a bunch of people either. Just make sure you are ready for anything you are going to do and if you are feeling overwhelmed, do what you did today, just leave. 

The sad fact of a divorce or separation is that it is like a death, but without the sympathy that comes with a death. Many people will not know how to deal with it. My other advice would be to start reading. Read whatever you can get your hands on about divorce or getting your wife back or whatever. As me we want to fix things, so it helps your mind to read stuff like this. Even if you can't fix anything. Keep yourself going, I know it is tough, but you have friends here. Use us as a part of your support system.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah divorce is waaay worse than death because in death you know the person is gone and that's it...you have no other choice but to move on and also the person didn't leave you and betray you..so you don't deal with that kind of pain. Divorce when you don't want it is pure hell.

fishfighter...unfortunately there is nothing any one of us can tell you that will make the pain go away from you,we all been through this hell ...the 1st few days/weeks are torture and you have to do what you have to do to survive .You will cry a lot and please do,you will lose your appetite and won't be able to sleep.I suggest you make an appt. for a doctor to prescribe some sleeping pills .
At one point it will get better though,I want you know this ...it does get better.You go through stages and now you think you can't live without her BUT you can and you will....you will make it for your kids and yourself and you'll be ok one day soon.
(((hugs)))

PS.And YES please be on TAM any second of the day you can ,it'll help you a lot to vent,start your own thread and we'll be there for you.


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## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

I have been through the no sleep and no appetite. Lost over 20 pounds in last 2 weeks. Slowly eating again now in small amounts. I work 3rd shift and last week or so has been tough. I went the whole week on maybe 10 hours of sleep. Yesterday and today its all I want to do is curl up with my dogs and sleep. I have a friend I started talking to on facebook last week. She has been keeping me grounded pretty well and calming me down when I need help. Problem is she is gone this weekend with a bunch of friends, and I dont want to keep calling her. She tells me to but I wont. She needs a break from me Im sure. She lives an hour from me so we just talk on the phone. I havent seen her or talked to her in over 20 years and she has been great. Just ran out and bought my daughter a steak. She said she was hungry for steak. I may have a bite. Not looking fwd to Tuesday when I have to go to wifes pre trial for domestic on me. She also has to go to court on the 12th for shoplifting(2nd offense in 3 months) Thought I was doing better yesterday. I can see where it is going to come in stages. Went a couple days without talking to her and it helped. Yesterday she called and asked for a car. Her friend had his repod. Last week she had taken our car which is the only running legal car we have and when I asked to get it for work she told me I couldnt have it back. I had to drive my truck with no plates,regist,ins or anything. The day she assaulted me I got it back. Well lastnight she said she would give it back. I didnt trust her so I told her she needed to give me something she needed and we would trade back. She offered me her cell phone, I didnt want that, I said to give me money. She gave me $500. She had me broke when she left, but I will get it built back up with her off my account. I do make a good living. She brought the car back at 2am. She asked to take the other car we have that has been having starter trouble. I got it running for her and she left. This morning it wouldnt start for her. She got it towed and had to have a starter put in. She had about a $10k settlement from disability we had been waiting on for 4 years. She is going through it fast. Hope she saves some for fines in court. That money should have been helping us getting out of debt and going on a vacation. They have stayed either in hotels the tent or a hotel for a week now. They are pretty much homeless and she blames me for her having nothing. She wants to be a mother but everytime she talks to one of the kids its guilting them and just not the way a mother would talk. I WILL NOT talk about her in front of the kids in a negative way. Any feelings they are having are there own. I really feel for my daughter, they were like best friends and now she just doesnt even want to talk to her mom. Oh, one thing that is bothering me really bad was lastnight she called b4 bringing the car back. She was having him takes bites of her food to see if he liked it and called him HONEY> Maybe childish, but she shouldnt have done that. It hurt me so bad. OK, Im sure my rambling has made no sense and is all over the place. Thanks all.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yeah divorce is waaay worse than death because in death you know the person is gone and that's it...you have no other choice but to move on and also the person didn't leave you and betray you..so you don't deal with that kind of pain. Divorce when you don't want it is pure hell.


Its true. 

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here fish. But alas you have, and its a really supportive place to be. My heart goes out to you, I feel the same way as you are feeling, a lot of us on here feel the same way you are feeling right this minute. Every symptom you've described- we all have them, I know I do. You will find true support on here, just keep posting, reading, and breathing the best you can. We feel your pain.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

well fish you are not alone, here we all are in pain, coming through the pain, signing divorce agreements, getting divorced. All of us at different stages but the feelings are the same. They are truly the most painful I have ever in my life experienced. Just know, we all had that pain and we are still typing and beginning to live again and so shall you.

It takes (here's that horrible word we all love) TIME. How much? Who knows, I don't. I am going into my fifth month and it has gotten better and my divorce is in 17 days.

Just get a support group, family, friends. Go to individual counseling. Go to Al Anon for yourself, meet people who will love and comfort you. Surround yourself with things that make you feel safe. Your children love you. Remember that.

You are going to be okay.


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## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

I kept myself busy most the afternoon and it helped. Mowed grass and had some mulch to spread on the flowers the 2 of us planted a couple weeks ago. I am working on some laundry now and already swept kitchen and ran the sweeper. Now the hard part of the day. Going to bed. Prolly gonna just lay on the couch and hopefully fall asleep. Being a 3rd shifter I dont sleep well anyways. I am going to get up and go to church in the morning. Cant make son go, hes 19. Should I make my daughter go with me or let her decide? I am going a half hour early to go to a prayer group they have. Havent been to church in years and Im actually looking fwd to it. Thank you all for being here. Ill say a prayer for you all. You all know the pain I am feeling and Im sorry anyone has to go through this. It is miserable. I wish I didnt love her so much. I want her back. I know I need to file this time. We talked 1 day last week about trying to agree on everything. I had been to a lawyer and he was sort of scary. He wants me to run her through the ringer. Thats not what I want. I only want to both be happy and be able to live. Good night all. I will be back Im sure tomorrow.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Good to see you tried to keep yourself busy for most of the day Fish. It is hard to get up and do stuff when you don't want to at all. I would agree with you that trying to fall asleep at night is really hard. I usually lay awake for a long while and keep either the tv on or a movie I've already seen, just so I don't feel so alone. If I have a really hard time falling asleep I take sleeping pills. Some nights you just don't get to sleep.

Going to church seems like a good idea. My experience with church is that everyone is very welcoming and nice, basically they're all happy you're there. It's a very positive environment to be in and you don't have to necessarily be religious to go. My parents let me have the choice of going or not going to church anymore when I was 16. Up until that time I was made to go. If you say a prayer for us, I certainly wouldn't mind that!

Yes, I never knew a human being could feel as much pain as this. It hurts just to exist. I am dreading the lawyer part of this. It all seems so final doesn't it? It is very amiable of you to take the high road in this mess and not "run her through the ringer" like the lawyer is suggesting. I think it just would make it worse in the end, especially with kids involved. The last thing you said in your post about both being able to live hit a nerve for me. 

Being able to live when this is all said and done will be more than a challenge. 
How we do that, I have no idea.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I can fall asleep at night because I feel safe and secure. I have a whole ritual that I do each night. Get on my knees and pray for others; get online (TAM) and read; read success stories of divorces and how they did it; write my feelings in a journal then read a good fiction novel. Listen to a cd playing the surf over and over again.

It's during the day that I start to have problems. I am out of work and I don't like this house with the snakes and bugs so I don't do any gardening. I want to re-arrange furniture (my go to therapy) but stbxh would be angry. So I call people, go to a 12 step mtg, make lunch and dinner, take care of dog, play PS3, watch movie. Apply for jobs online.

Must sell this house. I want a life again! Please God/Higher Power.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As scary as the lawyer might be step out side your self and look in, he may only be trying to protect you and the kids. Remember its not just about her getting put through the ringer but making sure your daughter is protected.

The OM sound like a real winner, I wouldn't trust him around your D, and the lawyer can set it up were only your wife can be with your D with out the OM.

Another thing is protecting your credit, your wife has not only drained your account, but she can also effect your credit.

Right now it is so emotional you need to step back and work on your self ....get your self in a better place, then with a better you both emotionaly and physical you can take care of your kids.

Right now you are doing nobody any good by not eating and sleeping, go to the doc and see if he can help. But the point is getting your strength back so you can fight this battle.

Main thing here is getting your self in abetter place so you can make correct and effective dicisions. Right now you need your strength more then any thing.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.

I got through it and you too will get through it. Do not let this define you but learn from it a be better fot it. AS hard as it is and as weak as you feel get out of this funk and stand up. You can't control her , but you can control your additude and how you want others to percieve you.

I know it tough but damb it man, you have to stand up and not let the women you love define who you are. Show her a confident man that she is about to loose if she doesn't pull her head out of her @ss, and if she doesn't move on and find someone that will bring out the best in you not the worst.


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## fishfighter (Jul 2, 2011)

Well, things took a turn I was worried about. Lastnight she packed up a uhaul and left town with her "friend". She is worried about going to jail and says she couldnt survive it now. Prolly right, she looked like hell, cant possibly weigh 100 pounds now. She was around 140 2 months ago. My daughter had an idea what was happening and asked me to see if mom would come home and the 2 of us would try to take care of her until she could be on her own. Then she could have got an apt. and learned to stand alone. Im not stupid but I know a lot of whats happening with this kid shes with is the mother in her. He needs help and she wants to help him. I cant do it just yet, but in a month or 2 once I get money rolling in again, Im gonna go ahead and file. May be tough since she told me she wont tell me where they are going. She said she would call a couple times a week so that we all know shes ok. She also left because she said she couldnt get better here. Well, as much as I love her, and as bad as it hurts, I have to get stronger here. I have a couple friends that are exactly that...friends...who I talk with on the phone a lot. 1 of them I talk with a lot. She tried to get me from meeting with wife yesterday. When I told her I had to do it, she told me to call her when I got home so she could start putting the pieces together again. I havent talked with this girl in over 20 years until now and we were always nothing but friends. Wanna here something funny. In high school, before I dated my wife, she was dating another friend of mine. He was hitting on this friend that I am talking to lately. Wife found out about it and showed up at her door to confront her after hearing about it. I guess it got pretty loud but never got physical. Prolly good thing, my wife would have gotten beat down. This girl was a fighter back then. She wopuld fight guys if she could get them too. lol Well, Im trying my best to stay at work. My toughest time is in the morning when I go home, knowing she isnt gonna be there. And now I have no bed since I let her take it. I let her take anything she wanted. Anything she took I can replace. What I have she cant replace, my daughter and son, and my 3 dogs who are like our kids!!! Thanks all and Ill check in later. You are all great!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP if they drug test your wife in court, she'll fail and wind up arrested. She sounds like a meth head.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

fishfighter said:


> I let her take anything she wanted. Anything she took I can replace. What I have she cant replace, my daughter and son, and my 3 dogs who are like our kids!!


Wow. If you keep up this mentality you'll be fine. 
Sad to hear about the state your wife is in. It kills you even more when you know the stbx is in a bad way. 

How are your kids handling it? I can't imagine my mother leaving town on me to go off with some guy. Sorry if that hit a nerve but seriously the things some people do really make me question a lot. 

I can't believe how positive you sound in your post, people like you only deserve the very best. I'll be thinking of you, hope you're doing okay.


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