# why does your mate keep you around?



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

what makes you a good spouse?? or what makes your spouse a good spouse? 

in a moment of reflection in my marriage... i'd say i tried my hardest to give my husband everything that he needed. he's a good provider financially, and i like to think i'm a good provider for everything else (and also contributing financially). i'm a listener, an encourager, a supporter and considerate to his needs and wants in every way that i could be. 

now the real question... was it all in vain? i sure hope not.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I kill spiders!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Love, respect, support, friendship, intimacy, ect...

Child care service, chef, laundry service(including all ironing), pet service/caretaker, housekeeper.

Why not? My husband is a true family man. I could not be any more blessed then I am. We adore each other.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

DanF said:


> I kill spiders!


My hero!!! Half the time, I can't get my husband to kill the spiders... It falls to me lol. Not one spider lives once located tho!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He keeps me around because he loves me. 

What makes me a good spouse is that I never stop trying to be better at it. I believe there is always room for improvement and he feels the same. We inspire each other.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Seriously, I wake up every morning and wonder, "What can I do to make her life easier or to make her laugh?", then I do it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I keep her around for the bl*wjobs! hahahahha now that was funny.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Because i'm a secret member of the avengers... shhhh


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't know for sure...I can speculate but I know why I keep him around. 

He is my best friend. 
He makes me laugh..I have peed myself. 
Sex. 
We like the same movies. 
He listens to me. 
He values my opinion. 
He knows just how I like my coffee. 
He dosent judge me. 
He tolerates me talking about shoes, makeup. 

I hope I return what he gives me. 

He can talk to me about anything. 
I'm not a pod person and have my own views. 
He will get me any song I want, even if he dosent like it. 
Sex. 
We like being around each other. 
I like reading to him and I like him to read to me.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

We are best friends. 
Sex as well
We love each other, support each other.
I don't know... just... everything. No matter what all we have been thru, we can turn to each other and know we will be ok. 

Plus, starting over would SUCK!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've stopped asking in my head why he keeps me around and just accepted that he loves me.

That, and no doubt my ability to hit the comic book store with him for hours without getting bored.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I've stopped asking in my head why he keeps me around and just accepted that he loves me.
> 
> That, and no doubt my ability to hit the comic book store with him for hours without getting bored.



I love going to comic book shops...I have to stay out or I will spend all my money. In one of my shoe pics, I have some of my comic books, I have more in storage. 

It's not thousands maybe a couple hundred. Maybe. I like going because the guys in the shops don't care how hot you are, they only care if you know the difference between batman and dark knight series. 

If you are a noob you arent worth the time of day. And they smell wonderful. 

But that's sweet. I got to game stop with mine and don't bother him to much with what could I get. Its also another place that you better know what you are talking about. 

If you like Xbox 360 over the ps3 than you better be able to back it up with good reasons. Other wise you are not even worth waiting breath on.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> I love going to comic book shops...I have to stay out or I will spend all my money. In one of my shoe pics, I have some of my comic books, I have more in storage.
> 
> It's not thousands maybe a couple hundred. Maybe. I like going because the guys in the shops don't care how hot you are, they only care if you know the difference between batman and dark knight series.
> 
> ...


haha :smthumbup: Love it!

I did start collecting for a while (mostly Xmen) but I didn't want to get too hooked. I know how I can get with those types of things! Now if I go to the store it's because I'm getting something for H, or I'm with him while he shops.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Because I was willing to go to five Star Trek conventions with him.

No, not in costumes, but still...five Star Trek conventions? That's love people.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

My guess?

Because he is Catholic and too stubborn to divorce. Staying married is "the right thing to do". 

I am a free babysitter, house cleaner and personal shopper.

Other than that, I don't have a clue.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Though we aren't Trekkies, we like comic books and I love going to comic con, one good reason is I don't get harrassed..

We are otaku's at heart. We are sooo into anime and manga. We are that very rare demograph that can walk into a comic book shop and chop game, and no one is the wiser. 

We love comic book movies--the good ones, and can talk for hours about superman, X-men, Deadpool...and such...buuut we can talk for DAYS about anime.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is grateful for our amazing sex life. He loves having a wife who enjoys him in bed because it makes him feel like a real man. He knows it could be a lot worse.

He relishes my cooking and the way I nurture him. He never has to worry about scheduling medical appointments again, because I do it and I push him to take care of his health. My husband enjoys coming home to a hot meal because it makes him feel loved.

My husband appreciates the way I brighten his world. He is introverted to the point of being reclusive. Hubby often comments on how boring his life would be without me, the social butterfly. I have also helped him become more affectionate and my husband is very happy that I taught him how nice hugging and kissing can be. He comes from a very reserved Scottish clan. 

Speaking of his family, hubs is very proud to bring me around them. I am gracious and warm to all of my husband's family, even his mother who can be very mean and his eccentric aunt who has a hoarding disorder. I patiently listen to another very senile aunt tell the same stories over and over-never failing to laugh and make her feel important. All of them fell in love when they met me and I am the first woman he ever brought around them. This makes him feel very lucky. Sometimes when we are attending a family gathering, he will whisper in my ear: "They love you so much! You are so sweet."

I have been very forgiving of his shortcomings and mistakes. He knows I love him when I make an effort to give him the benefit of the doubt.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am the only one besides his brother who will listen to him for more that 5 mins talk about the Morgan Roadster his brother is restoring. 

That is the only reason I can think of.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Because I was willing to go to five Star Trek conventions with him.
> 
> No, not in costumes, but still...five Star Trek conventions? That's love people.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She didn't.


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## happymrs (May 1, 2012)

He contributes completely his masculine, I have the freedom to fully express all of my feminine and we dance. 

In this we have found the dance exhilarating and exciting. We compliment and work to stay in step with one another. He leads, I follow. We move with the music, keeping with the tempo, the timing; the moods of the composition changes, but keeping our posture solid, our movements smooth, we don’t let the changes in life falter our steps. If one of us should misstep, the other is there to provide support without criticism. We keep our frame strong, we don’t allowing “cutting in”; we dance exclusively, and trust is continually built through connection and open communication. 

I guess I’m a in a bit of a poetic mood this morning. 

(ps-this was not always the case; just glad we stayed around long enough to find it.)


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Honestly...I have no idea why he keeps me around. My outlook on myself is very bad, and I find it very hard to find the "good" qualities in myself.

I try to be respectful, caring, supportive, a good listener, companion, forgiving and all that good stuff. But I fall short I think at taking things personally. He left for San Fransisco this morning, and I couldn't put my happy face on (part of that is getting up at 4:30am, so I was really tired and not talkative, so I feel really bad about not being giddy for him. That and we didn't have sex last night, so I was a bit upset about that, not my choice. I guess I will make it up to him when he gets home on Friday). I know I have a lot of not so good qualities, and I'm begining to wonder if they outweigh the good.

And then I wonder if he will ever consider me a part of his family, and then I get sad, because I consider him and his daughter a part of my family, he's my emergency contact if anything was ever to happen to me, and he will be my beneficiary (along with my oldest son) of my life insurance policy.

All in all, I often wonder why he even wants me around. Other than possibly feeling obligated (which he's not, he shouldn't feel that way.) 

ETA: Maybe it's my higher than his libido? I've never turned him down for sex.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I thought of this just this weekend. 
And I even asked, but not in this "way".
Here was his "list" of what he wants out of OUR life:

Lots of hugging, kissing, holding hands, doing things together, making plans for the future 
No sex, ever, don't even ask, he's not interested
I'm not allowed to sleep with anyone else, ever, under any circumstances
5 phone calls a day to see what's up
Don't tell him what to do (but tell you what to do to make it better?)
Buy him off by paying for whatever hobby he thinks of next (my interpretation of him saying we share all money)
Do all the laundry, cleaning, look after the dogs, pick up the poop, get the groceries (he hates doing all of that)
Go out to the bar with him whenever he wants to go and be the sober driver home (my interpretation of him saying I should go with him and hang out while he has a few beers)

I countered with my own fantasy list.

A boy toy to play with.
A maid.
A rich friend to pay the bills.
A doppleganger to spend time with him.
LOL :rofl: 

Why does he stay? My paycheques.  And the status within his family. They like me. 

If I had any feelings, they might be hurt. Instead I just him credit for finally thinking about it and being able to verbalize it. 
He just forgot that he's not rich. Bad business deal  I can do soooo much better.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cory275 said:


> what makes you a good spouse?? or what makes your spouse a good spouse?
> 
> in a moment of reflection in my marriage... i'd say i tried my hardest to give my husband everything that he needed. he's a good provider financially, and i like to think i'm a good provider for everything else (and also contributing financially). i'm a listener, an encourager, a supporter and considerate to his needs and wants in every way that i could be.
> 
> now the real question... was it all in vain? i sure hope not.


I don't know your marital history. Has your husband cheated. 

If so, yes, IMO, it was all in vain.

My husband cheated and not only did I do all you did but I also contributed half of the money for our first start up business, plus I held down another job. 

I read somewhere that some spoiled men eventually start to see a good wife as a mother figure and any animosity they hold toward mom is eventually directed at the wife.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Honestly...I have no idea why he keeps me around. My outlook on myself is very bad, and I find it very hard to find the "good" qualities in myself.
> 
> I try to be respectful, caring, supportive, a good listener, companion, forgiving and all that good stuff. But I fall short I think at taking things personally. He left for San Fransisco this morning, and I couldn't put my happy face on (part of that is getting up at 4:30am, so I was really tired and not talkative, so I feel really bad about not being giddy for him. That and we didn't have sex last night, so I was a bit upset about that, not my choice. I guess I will make it up to him when he gets home on Friday). I know I have a lot of not so good qualities, and I'm begining to wonder if they outweigh the good.
> 
> ...



i think i get like this once a week or so.........

why does he love me..im a slob, a b!tch, i yell, scream, cuss, whine, im a spoiled brat, i pout when i dont get my way..

im often forgetful of his feelings, needs, wants, desires...

i have a sharp tounge, and i take it out on him...

for some reason..he can see through all the bullsh!t, and love me.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I don't know ! She could probably do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

deejov said:


> I thought of this just this weekend.
> And I even asked, but not in this "way".
> Here was his "list" of what he wants out of OUR life:
> 
> ...


Deejov, no sex ever but you don't get to sleep around? I think you need to start reading Dan Savage.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> i think i get like this once a week or so.........
> 
> why does he love me..im a slob, a b!tch, i yell, scream, cuss, whine, im a spoiled brat, i pout when i dont get my way..
> 
> ...


I hope he can see through my being butthurt about the whole vacation thing (yeah I'm a bit PO'd about not going on vacation with him this year, I'll QQ about it some, but I won't hold it against him or become bitter about it, it's just how I deal with crap when I don't get something I want, in this case would be a nice weekend away with the man I love). I love him, so very much and I hope he loves me as much as I love him. He's my heart, my other half.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> Bad business deal  I can do soooo much better.


:smthumbup: :iagree:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I laugh at his jokes.
I can count on one hand the times that we have turned each other down in bed.
We're both too old to break in a new person.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Deejov, no sex ever but you don't get to sleep around? I think you need to start reading Dan Savage.


Oh, I have no intentions of being that stupid.
I think I said something along the lines of ...a person couldn't even make that up. It's so wrong, in so many ways.

But he honestly doesn't know that. So I tried to be kind and respectful. He did have some good qualities, they are buried under there somewhere. Maybe someone will get to see them in the future.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> I love going to comic book shops... I like going because the guys in the shops don't care how hot you are, they only care if you know the difference between batman and dark knight series.


Because boobies.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If he didn't... it would probably be like this... 

RedDragonVore - YouTube

or this....


Dragon eats Knight - YouTube


He knows better then to upset the female dragon...  


Not but in all seriousness...... I've asked him this before and his response was....

"Your my best friend, you listen and understand me, you know me better then anyone else, we have common interests, your not a pushover, your fiesty, and I can barely keep up with you in bed when your not pregnant of course..." (his exact words... lmao)


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Because boobies.


It took me a minute to get it....I'm a dummy ha. 

I would say think comic book guy from Simpsons, where he's exasperatied by your lack of knowledge. 

I have gotten the "oh god who let a girl in here" look, I just told my husband that horrible man was mean to me...

Well, I was right he backed me up with more facts...we just found a new place. That guy HATED us. Too funny. He wouldn't talk to us or ring us up anymore. 

Ah-well. He was gross anyways.


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## vickieleigh (May 24, 2012)

Because we have a son together. That is the only reason. He does not care about me, he puts me down, calls me names, and could care less when he hurts me. (not physically) and the fact that he does not physically hurt me makes him think I should have nothing to complain about. I am constantly on an emotional rollercosater, I go from sad and hurt to mad then back to sad. it never ends. I bring him breakfast in bed (not at the moment, i'm mad right now) I take care of all his paperwork with his business (trucking business) I even help him work on his truck. He thinks problems go away if you just ignore them, of course I don't feel that way, so when I try to express myself to him, he says I am *****ing, rolls his eyes, says something that is not related to anything I am saying (tries to change the subject) and tells me that is just who he is, and it ain't gonna change. and to beat it all, he thinks he can just roll me over and f--- me after saying stuff like that. I have tried to talk to him, I have cried, begged and pleaded, tried to ignore my own feelings, nothing works. I know there is no hope. I tried!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

vickieleigh said:


> Because we have a son together. That is the only reason. He does not care about me, he puts me down, calls me names, and could care less when he hurts me. (not physically) and the fact that he does not physically hurt me makes him think I should have nothing to complain about. I am constantly on an emotional rollercosater, I go from sad and hurt to mad then back to sad. it never ends. I bring him breakfast in bed (not at the moment, i'm mad right now) I take care of all his paperwork with his business (trucking business) I even help him work on his truck. He thinks problems go away if you just ignore them, of course I don't feel that way, so when I try to express myself to him, he says I am *****ing, rolls his eyes, says something that is not related to anything I am saying (tries to change the subject) and tells me that is just who he is, and it ain't gonna change. and to beat it all, he thinks he can just roll me over and f--- me after saying stuff like that. I have tried to talk to him, I have cried, begged and pleaded, tried to ignore my own feelings, nothing works. I know there is no hope. I tried!



Have your tried counseling?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

vickieleigh said:


> He does not care about me, he puts me down, calls me names, and could care less when he hurts me. (not physically) and the fact that he does not physically hurt me makes him think I should have nothing to complain about. I am constantly on an emotional rollercosater, I go from sad and hurt to mad then back to sad. it never ends.


I was married to your husband; got treated the very same way. After I left? He still professed undying, and everlasting love for me, and I've been gone almost three years. I was a victim. So are you. Time to stop being a victim.

So don't give a horse's patoot that your husband believes problems go away if he pretends they don't exist. I know, you try to make a point, and he thinks you are nagging, crazy, a b!tch, etc. Those are his problems. 

As long as you allow how he feels about you and your feelings to define you, you are stuck. Get off the rollercoaster. Detach. How? Get into really serious IC. Does your husband smoke pot or drink too much? His mindset sounds like an addict's. I was married to one, and this sounds so familiar.

My husband? He kept me around because I was just there. What does that mean? He felt safe as long as someone was around to alleviate his loneliness; however, he lacked the tools to be emotionally intimiate. Thus, I served some purpose. 

Detached people. They need someone around they can detach from. They are lonely. But they don't want to be completely alone. They also need to project their own self-hatred onto a handy target.

I served multiple purposes.

Those purposes served him, but not me. I left. So there you have it as to why my mate kept me around.

Tons of folks on here who are stuck in unhealthy relationships. It perpetuates the unhealthy dynamic with which they are familiar. Nobody grows. Everybody remains stuck. But everyone sticks around for another round of pain.

Change is more painful than what is familiar to us. The pain of change is worth it. Trust me.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

vickieleigh said:


> Because we have a son together. That is the only reason. He does not care about me, he puts me down, calls me names, and could care less when he hurts me. (not physically) and the fact that he does not physically hurt me makes him think I should have nothing to complain about. I am constantly on an emotional rollercosater, I go from sad and hurt to mad then back to sad. it never ends. I bring him breakfast in bed (not at the moment, i'm mad right now) I take care of all his paperwork with his business (trucking business) I even help him work on his truck. He thinks problems go away if you just ignore them, of course I don't feel that way, so when I try to express myself to him, he says I am *****ing, rolls his eyes, says something that is not related to anything I am saying (tries to change the subject) and tells me that is just who he is, and it ain't gonna change. and to beat it all, he thinks he can just roll me over and f--- me after saying stuff like that. I have tried to talk to him, I have cried, begged and pleaded, tried to ignore my own feelings, nothing works. I know there is no hope. I tried!


vickie!! part of the question was "what makes your spouse a good spouse?" it doesnt sound like yours is offering you much! you deserve better, darlin'! you and your kid(s)!!


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