# thinking of leaving my husband



## AppleDucklings

I've been thinking about leaving my husband. We have been married for almost 14 yrs now (will be 14 yrs in May) and he has had several affairs. In 2003 he left me for OW. We were separated for 2 years and got back together in 2005. After that, I believed things improved. I believed he was remorseful over what he did. But then it happened again. In late 2010, he started to get cozy with a woman at his former job. Right now, I cannot say with 100% certainty that his relationship with her has ever been physical but I do believe it to be at least emotional. But right now I can't prove what exactly is happening because he has locked his phone and keeps private all passwords. It could very easily be more than I know. Like tonight, he is already 3 and a half hours past the time he got off work and last night he was 5 hours past his off time. He is the general manager of a local restaurant and uses this position as his excuse for why he is always so late home from work. I have expressed to him that I am uncomfortable with him talking to this woman and he has told me he doesn't care. He has refused to end contact with her. I have told him he can have me or he can have her but if he chose me, then he would need to stop all contact with her. He tells me he wants to be with me and that he wants our marriage but yet he refuses to stop contact with this woman. I've always believed in my marriage. I am the type of person who is very loyal. I want to honor my vows to my husband but I can't stand all this pain anymore. He has no idea I'm thinking of leaving.


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## Halien

In a nutshell, you are loyal, and clinging to a broken covenant. Personally, its hard to see someone with such loyalty get taken advantage of time and time again. Perhaps if you remind yourself that your marriage was a covenant committed by both of you, and he has broken a fundamental part of it, you can think about it more objectively.

Guess what, because of his actions, he doesn't deserve to know what you are thinking about doing until you have this processed and are willing to discuss it and take action? He is the one that created the situation, so don't feel guilty for considering a potential exit plan. Seems that he assumed that you will keep on taking it, though.

If you want to stay, but need some committment on his part, then confront him when you have your options figured out. Be firm, and don't let him write the rules of how it will go. In other words, if he offers change that you are not comfortable with, tell him the real conditions, and consequences should he refuse. Conditions like requiring that he call you when he's late, giving an accout of where he is.


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## Sas581011

How did you feel during the two year separation? did you move on? did you feel independant and non reliant on what he had to offer? or did you always love him? was the last separation a legal one?

Most people don't change unless pushed into a corner however the change is temporary. Change must really start with your husband, i suggest you drop the bomb. Leave him and refuse all contact, no texts, phone calls, emails etc... I know it's easier said than done. I always believe things can work out but it's really not fair on you to feel so deeply saddened and you shouldn't have too. The problem with pain is that the brain projects what the heart feels and it's difficult to accept that fact. Be strong and try not argue with yourself.


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## SaffronPower

You gave him the deal...you or her. It's simple... leave. He will never be loyal to you and you deserve someone who will be.


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## Sanity

AppleDucklings said:


> I've been thinking about leaving my husband. We have been married for almost 14 yrs now (will be 14 yrs in May) and he has had several affairs. In 2003 he left me for OW. We were separated for 2 years and got back together in 2005. After that, I believed things improved. I believed he was remorseful over what he did. But then it happened again. In late 2010, he started to get cozy with a woman at his former job. Right now, I cannot say with 100% certainty that his relationship with her has ever been physical but I do believe it to be at least emotional. But right now I can't prove what exactly is happening because he has locked his phone and keeps private all passwords. It could very easily be more than I know. Like tonight, he is already 3 and a half hours past the time he got off work and last night he was 5 hours past his off time. He is the general manager of a local restaurant and uses this position as his excuse for why he is always so late home from work. I have expressed to him that I am uncomfortable with him talking to this woman and he has told me he doesn't care. He has refused to end contact with her. I have told him he can have me or he can have her but if he chose me, then he would need to stop all contact with her. He tells me he wants to be with me and that he wants our marriage but yet he refuses to stop contact with this woman. I've always believed in my marriage. I am the type of person who is very loyal. I want to honor my vows to my husband but I can't stand all this pain anymore. He has no idea I'm thinking of leaving.


You are a better human being that me. Girl my hat goes off to what you have put up with but its time you find your happiness and dump this selfish loser. YOU deserve better. 

Disregard any MC advise here. When a person has blatantly disrespected you and even risked your life (STD's) they violated their vows and forfeited the marriage.


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## AppleDucklings

Thank you for all the responses. I appreciate all everyone has to say. After all these years, I'm finally starting to see what is going on. I've always known what was going on but I refused to "see" it, if that makes sense. It was always easier to ignore it. I always blamed myself too. I strived to be the best wife to him. I gave him sex when he wanted it, I never refused him. I would stay up late at night (10, 11pm) to cook him a hot meal so he could have a good homecooked meal when he got home from work. I would compliment him on a daily basis (never a compliment in return) I would wait on him hand and foot. Not that he made me, but because I wanted to show him I loved him. I thought if I put him first in my life, he would in return do the same for me. But he didn't. He continued to have affair after affair. And each time I found out, he blamed me. I was the reason he cheated. I did something that caused him to be unfaithful. And he stomped me into the ground so bad (not literally but with his words) that came to believe I was a bad wife. I wasnt good enough for him. I didnt think about him enough. I was selfish. I would then apologize to him for him cheating on me and I would beg him to stay with me. He would then forgive me. And then I felt better that he forgave me for being such a horrible wife. Now, after 14 years of this, I am finally starting to wake up. I'm finally starting to learn that it wasn't my fault. I treated him very well. He treated me like ****. I do deserve better than him.


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## Mrs.G

SaffronPower said:


> You gave him the deal...you or her. It's simple... leave. He will never be loyal to you and you deserve someone who will be.


This is excellent advice. Leave and don't welcome him back, no matter how hard it may be. You will respect yourself more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity

AppleDucklings said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I appreciate all everyone has to say. After all these years, I'm finally starting to see what is going on. I've always known what was going on but I refused to "see" it, if that makes sense. It was always easier to ignore it. I always blamed myself too. I strived to be the best wife to him. I gave him sex when he wanted it, I never refused him. I would stay up late at night (10, 11pm) to cook him a hot meal so he could have a good homecooked meal when he got home from work. I would compliment him on a daily basis (never a compliment in return) I would wait on him hand and foot. Not that he made me, but because I wanted to show him I loved him. I thought if I put him first in my life, he would in return do the same for me. But he didn't. He continued to have affair after affair. And each time I found out, he blamed me. I was the reason he cheated. I did something that caused him to be unfaithful. And he stomped me into the ground so bad (not literally but with his words) that came to believe I was a bad wife. I wasnt good enough for him. I didnt think about him enough. I was selfish. I would then apologize to him for him cheating on me and I would beg him to stay with me. He would then forgive me. And then I felt better that he forgave me for being such a horrible wife. Now, after 14 years of this, I am finally starting to wake up. I'm finally starting to learn that it wasn't my fault. I treated him very well. He treated me like ****. I do deserve better than him.


I'm sorry to hear this. Its not easy but don't be to hard on yourself. This failed marriage is NOT your fault and don't you ever believe that. From what you wrote you seem to be a genuinely a great wife but you choose a poor excuse for a husband. Time to reflect on your life and make an escape plan just in case. Sounds like your H might have some mental illness issues. Do you have kids? Don't stay for the kids, trust me it just doesn't work. Five years and it gets worse even with MC. 
No kids? File and take a huge dump on his doorstep and ring the doorbell while you drive off with the sound of your laughter guiding your new life. Good luck!


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## AppleDucklings

Thanks Sanity  You made me laugh with the "huge dump" comment. We do have children. We have 3. And he has a daughter from a relationship before me. Our children are 15, 13 and 6 years old. I'm saddened over the loss of my marriage. I married for life but I am getting stronger. I am working on me now.


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## Sanity

AppleDucklings said:


> Thanks Sanity  You made me laugh with the "huge dump" comment. We do have children. We have 3. And he has a daughter from a relationship before me. Our children are 15, 13 and 6 years old. I'm saddened over the loss of my marriage. I married for life but I am getting stronger. I am working on me now.


When kids are involved it makes it x1000 time harder because mentally healthy people have a deep desire to keep the family together regardless of what it does to them in the process. 

Did you ever watch the movie Toy Story 3? At the end of the movie Woody rescues that ungrateful pink bear (lotso) avoid certain "death" risking his life even after the pink bear was trying to destroy him and his friends. Woody was doing what was he though was right and would continue to do it even after being betrayed.

I know its a cartoon but the lesson is powerful. You are Woody and your husband is a ungrateful pink bear. Watch it and learn


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## Jellybeans

Apple, you have a couple of threads going so I would advise you to stick to one thread only cause it's a bit confusing when thye're all over the place.

I just read your thread in Coping and wrote ya back and my advice is if you're truly thinking about ending things:

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME.

You have kids that need a stable environment (and preferably one they are used to) and he is the one cheating. He can leave. Also, the person who leaves the marital home gets put at a major disadvantage at times w/ the divorce outcome.


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