# I'm in big trouble...



## Vacadeluz (Mar 4, 2011)

My wife and I have been married nearly 14 years and have been together a year longer than that. We met when I was 20, her 19. I knocked her up early in that relationship and I asked her to marry me. We have 5 wonderful boys, 4 together and I have one from a previous and disasterous relationship.

Until 10 months ago I was the sole breadwinner in the family and I treated my wife more like a servant than a partner. I justified my actions to myself by saying that I was king of my castle, I worked two jobs, one full time and one partime weekends. The weekend work always took me away from home. It wasnt every weekend, but sometimes I could be gone for 8 weekends in a row.

To make a long story short, I have not done the following for my relationship in the past:

shown any real emotions for my wife
included her with my relax time
treated her as an equal partner
helped her with the household chores
supported her dreams
encouage her in any way
connect with her

I spent these years putting myself first at all times, not her.

Recently I came across a FB mesage converstaoin she had with an ex bf where they were reminiscing about the great times/sex they had, it included him telling her that he "wished he wasn't so far away so he could hold her again" I was shocked when she didn't tell him that wasn't ok.

At the same time there was a vendor at her work that was being very flirty with her to the point of getting her desk number and calling about non-work related issues.

We had a big fight over these things, at first I was very angry with her, but the longer I thought about it the more I realized that it was almost entirely my fault.

I have driven my wife to a state of emotional exhaustion. She displayed all sorts of warning to me in the past couple years that I either missed or outright ignored. She had asked me to join her in MC, started AD meds, etc...

I realized in our last fight that her leaving me is a very real possibility and it scares me to death. 

I was finally able to break down my emotinal wall and talk to her, apologizing for everything I did, listing them individually, and telling her how much she means to me, but when I ask her if she wants to try to work this out she says she doesn't know. She needs me to give her space, and has brought up separation but that isnt financially a possibility as she work graves and I days we need me to be home at night when the kids are here. I dont know how to give her space when we are both home. On weekdays when we both work we only see each other for 2 hours a day. I have tried to come home and just veg on the couch while she is getting ready for work, but she calls me back tot he bedroom to talk hile she gets ready.

I get such very mixed messages from her. After our last fight she cut off all sex, she "isnt in a place to do that right now", and has told me not to try to initiate anything. This past friday night we went out with friends and she got very drunk. When we got home she passed out in bed and I went to the living room and watched a movie. When i did finally get in bed she initiated and I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to be seen as taking advantage of her state, but I didn't want to reject her either. We ended up having sex and falling asleep. She awoke a couple hours later and told me "I hope this doesn't confuse you, I was drunk and horny" so basically I was her booty call. That made me feel as though she settled for me in her bed because I was convenient and there, had I not been at the bar, maybe it was someone else. I should have slept on the couch that night as was my first instinct.

We have made an MC appt for this Tuesday morning. I have no idea if this will help.

I am afraid I have done irreparable damage to my marriage.

Sorry for the long rambling directionless post, but that is how my life is right now.

Any help, advice will be appreciated.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile. Please read it.

I think your chances are good.

Can your wife stay with a friend or parents for a few months? My wife NEEDED the 2 months of separation we had to be able to reconnect. The sex during separation was great.

Devote yourself to the marriage and MC. I also really liked gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Best of luck. Feel free to ask more questions.


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## Vacadeluz (Mar 4, 2011)

We just moved in September, we have no family or friends for her to go to. Besides that, she wont leave the kids. I offered to pay for a hotel for a week but she declined. I offered to go first, but as I said, she works graves so taht would leave the kids unattended during the night.

I hate being in the same house as her and not being a part of her life. This is so ugly right now.


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## Vacadeluz (Mar 4, 2011)

Anx, I just read your story, and I must say that I have pretty much behaved EXACTLY the opposite of the list you posted. I am going to reverse that tonight. Wish me luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I didn't act like that until we were separated. Some if it I did. I did give my wife a TON of space before hand, but I did make it VERY clear I loved her and wanted to make it work.

Do what feels right and fits. Don't act like you are moving on. Act like you can at least survive without her love for now. Don't beg and check up on her every move. She wants to see you strong and loving.

Stay strong, MC and reconciliation is hard, an emotional rollercoster, and a mind F*ck. Best of luck!


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

im going through this right now! only its my husband that has said he doesnt feel connected to me anymore. we have been together 17 years, since we were 16, married for nearly 9. we have a 4 year old. i am at my wits end, feeling very desperate and needy. my husband only told me how he feels 4 days ago and we have made the first step to see a mc.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

You have to give her time to believe you as well. Making a sudden 180 will confuse her, and you can't blame her for not wanting to pin a medal on your chest and run into your arms. She has adjusted to a certain you over the years and changed herself and her life accordingly. 

You have to keep up the 180 for a while before she will feel secure enough to be vulnerable, and secure enough to believe you, share her feeling with you.


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## Vacadeluz (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks Woodstock, 
That makes a lot of sense and is something I hadn't considered. I am naturally a very impatient person, so this will be extra hard for me. However, I am also very competative, so I can see it as a challenge to myself, see if I can beat the old me down so to speak.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I think I'm in the same boat but from a woman's standpoint.

I'm also trying to figure out what I can do to repair the damage. 

While my husband has not said anything like your wife, in that I need space, etc. He's showing it in his actions and like you, it has scared the life out of me.

But I'm very stubborn and will not go down without a fight - I started my challenge today!


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