# still dealing with aftermath of infidelity



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in quite a while. Short version, Ex had an affair, we tried to reconcile for a year but it was a false reconciliation and I kicked him out when I found out the affair was still going on. 

For the most part, we have had a good co-parenting relationship but his negative out look on life is draining me. We have a lot of contact because we don't have the traditional visitation due to his work schedule so DD stays with me most of the time but he comes to see her almost everyday and takes her to and from school on some days. Lately he has been very irritable and has said that he is very unhappy. So my response is "how can you be so unhappy if you are now free to be with your AP, isn't that what you wanted?" "Both of you went to great lengths to destroy each other's families so I would think you would be happy to be together". He also gets angry because sometimes DD wants to be with me all the time (when she was younger we spent pretty much every moment together bc he was always "working late"...seeing the other woman). He wants her to go with him at the drop of a hat and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, especially if she is already doing something or we have something planned. He becomes angry or passive aggressive when we have plans but he doesn't understand that I am not self employed so I have to make plans according to my schedule. 

yesterday a girlfriend invited me to dinner and I asked the ex to keep DD for a few hours and he was glad to do it until he realized I was going to dinner. His response was "I never get to go out to dinner or do anything for my self". I told him that was lie! He and the OW go out and enjoy them selves. Well that's when the problem started! DD didn't want me to go but I told her I needed time with my friends at that time the EX says I'm out of here and leaves me to deal with my DD. I called him and asked if he was still going to keep DD and he said yes but he wasn't too happy. He says he hates it when DD starts wanting me and that makes him feel like she prefers me over him. So I got mad and said "if she starts having a fit please don't verbally abuse her." He became very angry when I said that and I apologized. I spoke without thinking. He started telling me about how unhappy he was, work was going as planned, DD didn't spend enough time with him so he was going to move to another city. My heart broke for my daughter. I can't imagine her not having her father in her life. She's already had to suffer through the separation, isn't that enough? He has a history of making bad choices, he has one older daughter (18) who's life he didn't want to be a part of until she about 8. So, I know is capable of walking out and it terrifies me. This man thinks of himself first and obviously I made a bad choice, I chose him 

All this mess because of cheating; a lot of collateral damage!

Thanks for letting me vent!


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Children are more honest, they will show whom their attachment is stronger to. In essence, your daughter loves you more and he knows it, yet, instead of working to build that attachment to some equitable level, he complains and does not put in the work.

Depending on how young your child is, and if you surround her with other great parental figures, she should recover as long as you are paying attention to her development. She might have some neglect issues, then it would be wise to take her to see a counselor for children. Losing her father could feel like she is losing a part of herself since children of an early age associate things around them as themselves.

Also, I recommend you only communicate about the child and what he does with his relationship, you should not discuss with him. You are no longer his partner, and how crappy his life is, is no longer your concern. He is using you as your still obligated to respond to his issues. You're not detached as you think.

Well, you cannot force someone to be a parent, and the best you can do is be a stable role model. Also, seek help so you get time for yourself as well. Without a healthy you, you cannot be a healthy parent.

Btw, you acknowledging his issues makes it seem normal for him to give you his crap, while his partner gets less of his stress. Let her fully deal with his life, not you. She took on that burden when she left her family for him.


----------



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Mr.Fisty, thanks for the insight. The Ex starts to try to build a stronger attachment with DD and it starts out well but as soon as it doesn't go as planned he blames me. He wants me to "fix" it so you are right, he doesn't want to put in the work to develop the attachment. He feels since he doesn't always spend a lot of time with her, the time he does spend should be perfect. But DD is 7 so she is going to test the limits, pout, etc. I deal with it on a daily basis, we deal with it and move on, that's parenting. 

I do need to detach more. In the past when he was mad at me he would pull away from our DD so I try to be nice and friendly with him to avoid that. Wow, as I am writing this, I am realizing that I am being manipulated


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

bluerunner said:


> Mr.Fisty, thanks for the insight. The Ex starts to try to build a stronger attachment with DD and it starts out well but as soon as it doesn't go as planned he blames me. He wants me to "fix" it so you are right, he doesn't want to put in the work to develop the attachment. He feels since he doesn't always spend a lot of time with her, the time he does spend should be perfect. But DD is 7 so she is going to test the limits, pout, etc. I deal with it on a daily basis, we deal with it and move on, that's parenting.
> 
> I do need to detach more. In the past when he was mad at me he would pull away from our DD so I try to be nice and friendly with him to avoid that. Wow, as I am writing this, I am realizing that I am being manipulated



Yes, he was using you for his benefits. His relationship with his daughter is his to deal with, you are not responsible for that. He has to deal with the pros and cons of raising a child just like you do. His child is not his friend, but a child becomes imprinted with who their parental figures are and emulate. It would actually be beneficial if his contact with her is limited.

He simply cannot discard his duty when it becomes stress. Children learn from that. It may also cause abandonment issues in her.

Well, you learn something new all the time. Just do not be harsh on yourself. Life does not come with instruction manuals in how to deal with every situation.

If he abandons her, just seek a child therapist to get a check-up on her emotional state and development. And remember, don't take responsibility for his responsibility of building a relationship. Also, do not take on the additional stress of wanting him to change, that is a losing battle. He will deal with the repercussions of his actions later on in life when he has an emotionally distant child.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your ex sounds like a selfish looser. I love your response "how can you be so unhappy if you are now free to be with your AP, isn't that what you wanted?" "Both of you went to great lengths to destroy each other's families so I would think you would be happy to be together". He got his Karma. You can't stop him from moving and it is sad that your daughter won't be seeing her Dad as much but she has you and it sounds like you two have a great relationship.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

bluerunner said:


> *All this mess because of cheating; a lot of collateral damage!*


The *Ripple Effect of Betrayal*... I come to believe, only God knows... understands the gravity of and the forever consequences.


----------



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Your ex sounds like a selfish looser. I love your response "how can you be so unhappy if you are now free to be with your AP, isn't that what you wanted?" "Both of you went to great lengths to destroy each other's families so I would think you would be happy to be together". He got his Karma. You can't stop him from moving and it is sad that your daughter won't be seeing her Dad as much but she has you and it sounds like you two have a great relationship.


He is getting his Karma! Sometimes I feel very sad for him because he doesn't know how to deal with everything that is going wrong in his life. I truly believe that until he owns his actions, nothing will get better. He thinks I am crazy when I tell him that. He says "I already said I'm sorry, what else do you want me to do." Ownership is far more than apologizing. He also tells me that I must be so happy now that he is miserable. Well, I'm not because it affects our daughter in a negative way. A while back he asked me if I was happy and I said I am happier than I was in the last two years of our relationship. His response was "must be nice." He can't even be happy for me, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and move forward!


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bluerunner said:


> We have a lot of contact because we don't have the traditional visitation due to his work schedule so DD stays with me most of the time but he comes to see her almost everyday and takes her to and from school on some days.


Stop this. You need to get set on some kind of standard visiting schedule. You are running essentially a random dad visitation set up - this will cause issues for you if you continue.






bluerunner said:


> Lately he has been very irritable and has said that he is very unhappy. So my response is "how can you be so unhappy if you are now free to be with your AP, isn't that what you wanted?" "Both of you went to great lengths to destroy each other's families so I would think you would be happy to be together".


Stop this immediately - he's baiting you into talking with him. When he starts talking his complaining nonsense, you respond with "I'm no longer your wife. I don't want to hear about this."



bluerunner said:


> He wants her to go with him at the drop of a hat


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

No more. He gets on a set visiting schedule. Job doesn't allow it - TOO EFFING BAD. YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE STICKING IT TO YOUR AP!!




bluerunner said:


> yesterday a girlfriend invited me to dinner and I asked the ex to keep DD for a few hours and he was glad to do it until he realized I was going to dinner.


No more letting him know - leave it at "can you watch dd for a few hours. It's absolutely none of his business.



bluerunner said:


> His response was "I never get to go out to dinner or do anything for my self".


Cry me a river. Don't engage here - he is baiting you to talk.



bluerunner said:


> He says he hates it when DD starts wanting me and that makes him feel like she prefers me over him. So I got mad and said "if she starts having a fit please don't verbally abuse her." He became very angry when I said that and I apologized. I spoke without thinking. He started telling me about how unhappy he was, work was going as planned, DD didn't spend enough time with him so he was going to move to another city. My heart broke for my daughter. I can't imagine her not having her father in her life. She's already had to suffer through the separation, isn't that enough? He has a history of making bad choices, he has one older daughter (18) who's life he didn't want to be a part of until she about 8. So, I know is capable of walking out and it terrifies me. This man thinks of himself first and obviously I made a bad choice, I chose him


You need to distance yourself from him. You clearly see he's going to do more damage to your daughter. 
Really, he's going to punish her (because she doesn't like him enough) by moving to another city to be too far away to be in her life.

Get set visitation schedule in place now. Start getting to a point where you talk about your DD and ONLY your DD. Then let the immature baby fade away


----------

