# What to do?



## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

Been married 16yrs. The issue is, i messed up. I was texting another woman i worked with for about a year. The texts were naughty, no pics involved. I never wanted to hook up or meet up with this other woman. Texts were only sent while were at work, dudnt send any while at home or with my wife. I personally thought this woman was just a friend and we were joking around. I got fired for the text, using company phone. Wife worked at same place with me, she of course found out. I let work show her the texts. Thought this would show her im not hiding it anymore. Well I moved out of house for a few weeks, moved back in and we started going to counseling. After a month of that she decided she can't forgive me and I have moved out again. We are talking about a dissolution but I really do not want one. I want to work on this but she says she has been unhappy for a very long time. One week after I moved out this 2nd time she has started going to another man's house, she works with this man. I know I messed up, we have 1 son and I want yo keep this family together. Should told me she wants out, but I wanna fight and try. Should I just accept this or keep fighting?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Let her go. You messed up royally and she already told you she has been unhappy for a long time. So not only do you want to mess around her back but also want her to remain unhappy?

When a woman has lost this much respect for her partner she is probably finished for good ..... in fact she already found another man by the looks of it.

OR:

Perhaps she was already lining this guy up anyway and you gave her the ammo she needed.

Pick one : you lose both ways. Just let her go.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy. 
Your options now:

Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
Tell her you want to work on your marriage and your family together, but not with another man in the picture. Do not plead, do not beg. Offer her the opportunity to rebuild your marriage and family - with good faith effort from both of you. Whether she’s willing or not, work on you and be the best you can be for you and your son.
Either way, do not move out. Since it sounds like you already have, move back in immediately. You need to do this to help position and protect yourself in the divorce, among other reasons.


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy.
> Your options now:
> 
> Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
> ...


I tried to move back in about a week ago and was met with some very harsh language and being hit by her. I was calm the whole time and never raised my voice. I will not have my son around that, ever. So what to do? Move in and fight or stay away for my son? I am working on myself, going to gym, more time with other family, trying to make new friends.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I tried to move back in about a week ago and was met with some very harsh language and being hit by her. I was calm the whole time and never raised my voice. I will not have my son around that, ever. So what to do? Move in and fight or stay away for my son? I am working on myself, going to gym, more time with other family, trying to make new friends.


You need to talk to an attorney.

You can't force her to stay in a marriage she doesn't want. But you shouldn't abandon the family home. And you shouldn't abandon your son. She doesn't "automatically" get sole custody, regardless of what you did. 

She certainly has the right to divorce you. And you may well deserve it. But she can't force you out of the home, nor assault you, nor deprive you of your son. 

Talk to an attorney.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

If she wants out you gotta let her go


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> There is zero equivalence between your inappropriate texting and her physically meeting up with another man. Not excusing your actions, you messed up bigtime but that does not justify or explain her actions now. She was already clearly not in love with you and checking out of the marriage, possibility already lining up this other guy.
> Your options now:
> 
> Let her go, she’s already gone and is almost certainly fing another man. Work on you. Be better, get to the gym, build the life you want for yourself without her. Focus on you and your son.
> ...



Projecting here or what? OP was texting a woman inappropriately for a YEAR! (This is not a simple mistake, for a whole bloody YEAR!!!!!!)
He had obviously checked out of the marriage, of course wife knew he was not interested in her, his time and attention were elsewhere.
OP needs to do a lot of work on himself. He does not get brownie points for not texting at home pfft!

Wife worked at the same place, 
1) there were probably rumours about OP and OW
2) can you imagine wife's humiliation to be called in to tell her WH was up to this BS, pluzzzz.

She was right to kick him out and also get another man, stop victim blaming !!!! She is probably very hurt, humiliated in front of her whole company and this is her revenge!
To suggest that he did something less is ********, he is the reason why it happened.

@Fatherofoneson now that you have lost her you want to work on it? When you were putting all your effort in texting another woman for a whole YEAR you could have been working on your marriage.
Now you are concerned about your son and breaking up the family, where was your concern when you were cheat texting?
You ****ed up, your wife is gone. Do something and become a better man so at least you can be there for your son.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a messy situation.

Both of you are at fault. I feel for your son.

Is it possible that your wife has had something going on for a while?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I was texting another woman *i worked with* for about a year. The texts were naughty, no pics involved. I never wanted to hook up or meet up with this other woman. Texts were only sent while were at work, dudnt send any while at home or with my wife. I personally thought this woman was just a friend and we were *joking around*. I *got fired* for the text, using company phone. *Wife worked at same place* with me, she of course found out.


This was all just a joke? A big misunderstanding? Are you really trying to sell that to your wife? If I were your wife I would be upset that you can't even craft a good lie for her.

If it was all a joke, why hide it from your wife?

Now you don't have a job? And your wife gets to now work there with everyone knowing her husband got fired for sexting another coworker? Did the other coworker get fired too or does your wife have to see her everyday?

Humiliating for your wife. Now she gets to pay for you until you find another job.

Now your wife is going to the house of another coworker?

How did you get fired? Who caught you?

Is the other woman married?"

Would you agree that it is hard to believe it all was "joking around"?

Would you also agree that it is hard to believe you didn't hook up with this woman co-worker? I would never believe you didn't get physical unless the messages said something like "I can't wait for the first time."

A lot of your story seems unbelievable.

Can you clarify any of this?

If you want to earn trust with your wife, you probably have to come up with a better bunch of lies, more believable. If what you are posting actually is the truth, which I guess is theoretically possible, I guess you are screwed because I don't think too many people would believe it.

What happened with the counseling?

Perhaps you can offer a polygraph to your wife. I'm not sure it will help. If it was all at the job all three (now four) of you work, I would imagine the humiliation factor is a big issue.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Honestly brother, this marriage is done, and now she has a BF. 

Frankly, you need to grow up. You blew this out of the water, and she has probably been screwing this guy longer than you know. 

I mean grow up, take responsibility for what you did. I mean you get this is completely your fault, right...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I want to work on this


What would that look like to you? What would that entail? 

Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk to an attorney now. Leaving can cost you custody if n some states.
Check your phone bill to see how long she has been in contact with another man.
Why can she date a coworker and you get fired for using company phone.?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Talk to an attorney now. Leaving can cost you custody if n some states.
> Check your phone bill to see how long she has been in contact with another man.
> *Why can she date a coworker and you get fired for using company phone.?*


I'd guess because she is dating off company time while he used company equipment and company time to carry on. There is also a concern for sexual harassment claims.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

contact HR that WW is conducting an affair on work time with a co worker.
move back in the house WW wants out tell she can leave.
you leaving the house makes things bad legally for you, charged with
abandonment, level of custody for son, child support, and so on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What would that look like to you? What would that entail?
> 
> Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.



Agreed, major victim blaming going on here. I wonder if genders were reversed would the same people be calling out the betrayed husband. This is ********!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, don't be a fool. You were sexting a woman for year and thought it was "just a joke" and you were "just friends"? Come on. Here, buy this book and read it. Seriously. 

Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass

Stop minimizing what you did. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. A choice you made hundreds and hundreds of times. Every single text, for a year, was a choice and you knew damn well that it was wrong. If not, then why did you hide it from your wife and use a company phone to do it? You just didn't care and came up with justifications for it. 

Your wife now has another man (how long he has been around is irrelevant right now), is that "just a joke" too? 

For the record, this is coming from a guy who has been on both sides of cheating. I even used the "joking around" excuse like two weeks ago after I was "just texting" someone and "wasn't actually going to go through with it". 

Sorry, but you deserve your wife's harsh language. She is lashing out because you hurt her. It should NOT be in front of your son, though. You said she hit you, was that the first time? I'm not saying it was acceptable, it's not, but it's not unheard of when emotions are all over the place so more info is needed about that. 

If your wife is done, then she's done. Time will tell if this new man is an exit affair, revenge affair or if it was a long term affair. If she really has been unhappy for a long time, then you added on this, you probably caused too much damage. Maybe she caused damage too but you need to own YOUR side. Do not go looking for more excuses, no matter how hard some people above try. 

You do need to talk to a lawyer though. Regardless of what either of you did in the marriage, you do need to protect yourself. You should not leave the marital home without speaking to a lawyer first.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> What would that look like to you? What would that entail?
> 
> Just because your wife is seeing another man now, does not mean she was cheating on you before this came out. Come on, people! Supporting the guy is one thing but trying to absolve him is another.


Please, @Blondilocks, you know what the odds are, everyone knows what the odds are, they are overwhelming. 

He cheated, embarrassed her at work, he got fired, yeah the odds are over whelming. 

However, it really does not matter, he blew it, she is done he needs to move on, and LEARN A LESSON...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.


Actually AB, this is not really true. I may not happen to you, but it happens a lot. 

Some women wait, some women don't. They have a right to get laid anytime they want.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So all you did was text with this other woman, still cheating. 

Your wife tells you she has been unhappy for a while. Then a week after she tells you she is done is having sex with another.

Dude you have been played. She was cheating on you as well. She was actually having sex with this guy for awhile and used your cheating as the excuse to end the marriage. She stays nice and clean and you are the dirt bag that cheated.

You need to move back home and get a lawyer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Actually AB, this is not really true. I may not happen to you, but it happens a lot.
> 
> Some women wait, some women don't. They have a right to get laid anytime they want.


I really believe she was cheating as well. Her comment about not being happy for a while is one reason. The other is this, all he did was to text the OW. There was no emotional or physical affair.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ABHale said:


> all he did was *sext* the OW *for a year*.


Corrected it for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aine said:


> Agreed, major victim blaming going on here. * I wonder if genders were reversed would the same people be calling out the betrayed husband.* This is ********!


You know the answer as well as I. It's not just a 'no', it's a 'hell no'.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

FOOS, why don't you just go ahead and admit it to yourself that your marriage was up schitt creek before this happened. You were messaging the other woman because of it and your wife summarily replaced you, or maybe just moved to full time, with the old boy from work. Who knows at this point. Face it dawg, you don't really want to be stuck in the marriage anymore than your wife. I can help but admire that she's taking the lead on the path to freedom.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s too late. Move on.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> I really believe she was cheating as well. Her comment about not being happy for a while is one reason. The other is this, all he did was to text the OW. There was no emotional or physical affair.


Yeah, AB, he was sexting, it was not funny. He was and is completely wrong for what he did. 

You can make the physical/emotional case all you want. They are both wrong. 

Yeah, she has probably been cheating for a while, and of course we all know that is wrong. 

But there is no way that OP here is blameless for any of this. In fact, he is completely to blame.

He cheated, the just kind of wanted to act like it is no big deal, and rug sweep and she was not having it. 

In fact, his whole OP sounds like a teenager. 

No, he got exactly what he deserved, how often can we say that????


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bobert said:


> Corrected it for you.


He said pics were not exchanged. Not sexting


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sexting involves sending pics. OP said they never exchanged pictures, it was only texts.

I never said it was ok, I posted that it was still cheating.

At the same time, there is no doubt in my mind that his wife was cheating on him at the same time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ABHale said:


> He said pics were not exchanged. Not sexting


"Sexting: send (someone) sexually explicit photographs *or messages* via mobile phone." 

Sending "naughty" texts definitely falls under the category of sexting.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I do see a difference between text and actually body shots.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Come to think of it. You don't have to let her go, as she's already left you. You, accepting this fact is the only thing left for both of you to part ways.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> He said pics were not exchanged. Not sexting


Sorry brother, it can involve pictures, but dirty talk is still sexting. 

And frankly, what difference does it make? The guy was talking dirty to a woman at work, where they both work, and he got fired for it. 

What part of that is OK, he is a married (was I guess) man. Married men and women do not do this, it is called cheating. 

I am having a hard time understanding why you "seem" to want to defend this guy? 

It should always be the same, if your SO is dirty talking, texting, sexting, it is not allowed because it is not right in a standard mono relationship. 

Here Op was out of line with this woman, wife found out because he was fired most likely, and as far as we can tell, his attempt a R was less that stellar. 

Is there some nuance about this thread that I am missing. 

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes???????


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

His wife didn’t want anything to do with reconciliation. She had already checked out of the marriage because she was unhappy. More than likely she was already having sex with the guy she started going to see a week after he left the house the second time


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ABHale said:


> His wife didn’t want anything to do with reconciliation. She had already checked out of the marriage because she was unhappy. More than likely she was already having sex with the guy she started going to see a week after he left the house the second time


If she was already having sex with the guy, then why did she wait so long to go to his house? They were separated twice, and she didn't see this co-worker until the second week (I think) of the second separation. I don't know how the OP knows that, it's possible the wife lied. It's also possible she didn't. Either way, the focus should be on the OP's cheating, not finding ways to dismiss it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Plus, plenty of people don't want to reconcile when they first find out their spouse has been cheating for a year. Add on that it was at work, the humiliation, getting fired, etc. The first reaction doesn't have to be "I want to stay together"... it's usually a giant **** you.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Good rule of thumb is if you were doing something you would be ashamed or uncomfortable with your spouse knowing about, then you crossed a boundary.

It’s hard to take seriously your contention that your long-term sexting with a co-worker was all just in good fun. Come on, now. The first thing you need to do is to be more honest with yourself, us and your wife.

you got fired for inappropriate behavior and you humiliated your wife. It was an emotional affair that went on for a year and qualifies as infidelity. It was adulterous in substance and unfaithful to your monogamous commitment.

your wife sure took it seriously.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

ABHale said:


> He said pics were not exchanged. Not sexting


This is angels on the head of a pin territory. This is what lawyers call a distinction without a difference


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> His wife didn’t want anything to do with reconciliation. She had already checked out of the marriage because she was unhappy. More than likely she was already having sex with the guy she started going to see a week after he left the house the second time


Listen, maybe you are right. 

But she was cheated on to start with, she does not have to "want" to reconcile. If you are right, maybe she should have just filed for divorce when she found out. 

But I guess I am wondering what your overall point is? 

He cheated, his wife checked out, she got a new BF that she is banging, so I don't know what issue is...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Classy coworker you destroyed your marriage for! She was sexting with a married man (you) for a YEAR and working with both of the couple. Also, your claim that it was just joking leaves you looking foolish, oblivious, and hurtful to all--even uninvolved co-workers. Bet the rumor mill was turning rapidly. Was/is OW married?

If you had spent one-half of the time wooing your wife, she may not have paid heed to your withdrawal.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

My advise is if you're going to text, sext or whatever you want to call it, you may as well take it all the way and get your money's worth. The price is going to be the same if you get caught.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> My advise is if you're going to text, sext or whatever you want to call it, you may as well take it all the way and get your money's worth. The price is going to be the same if you get caught.


Well I did not have the guts to say that, but yeah. 

I argue that "Men" do not engage in emotional affairs, but we see it all of the time. 

I don't really get it but man and woman do it. 

I tend to doubt that OP here never had sex with the girl, but he said he did not. 

I think he is long gone anyway, he just wanted to hear how to get his wife back, which he can't, or he is a you know what...


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> I tend to doubt that OP here never had sex with the girl, but he said he did not.


Well he certainly had sex with her all the time in his mind, whatever else he claims. And he wanted to have sex with her. And he carried it on for a year. 

OP, wanna chime in here? Got any insight? Was the OW you sorta kinda sexted for 365 days married?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

We do not know how long your wife has been interested in or doing more with this other guy - she just feels free to openly do it now. You were sexting another co-worker. You got caught doing it on company time. You got fired. Did the other woman get fired too ? In any case lets assume that lessons were learned here.

Your wife on the other hand cannot kick you out of the house much less attack you physically. If she wants a divorce she should get one. And yes, I believe she is cheating too since she is married and screwing another co-worker - lets hope that there are no interactions between them at work for their sakes.

You need to lawyer up and get with the programme. From your point of view she has just become the enemy and you need to go into full defence of your rights, custodial, financial and asset wise.

Move back in and if she touches you call the police and get a restraining order.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If she hadn't said she'd been unhappy for awhile, that would be one thing. But sounds like she is ready to move on. 

A word of caution to everyone at work. If you are using company equipment and/or company wifi, there is a very good change your boss is keeping a record of everything coming and going or at least looking in. I know where I work, a small office, my boss can see it and backs everything up to a server. He also has it fixed where he can listen in on anyone's phone call who is using his phone system. Because making phone calls is what some of them do. For years, no one knew he did it, but when he got a new manager, it was clear she was doing it and it got out in the open at least with me. Another place I worked kept everything. There could be cameras where they can see what you're doing too.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A word of caution to everyone at work. If you are using company equipment and/or company wifi, there is a very good change your boss is keeping a record of everything coming and going or at least looking in.


Yep. That's almost as stupid as texting and sending pictures. Remember, " If sexy words are texted it's written proof that will forever stay. If sexy words are spoken, they simply fade away."


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bobert said:


> If she was already having sex with the guy, then why did she wait so long to go to his house? They were separated twice, and she didn't see this co-worker until the second week (I think) of the second separation. I don't know how the OP knows that, it's possible the wife lied. It's also possible she didn't. Either way, the focus should be on the OP's cheating, not finding ways to dismiss it.



Doesn’t mean he caught her the other times. She just isn’t hiding if any longer


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ABHale said:


> Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.


What AB said. You likely provided the opportunity for her to capitalize on your stupidity. I sure would like to know what you were thinking sexting a co-worker.

if you want her back it is going to be hard work, but she will have to want to save the marriage,too.

I would advise you to man up, admit what you did was asinine, tell her you would like to salvage the marriage. See what she says.watch how she reacts.

Now I strongly advise no pick me dance or groveling. That stuff will go no where with her. Women respect strength not weakness.
I wish you luck to save your marriage but the odds are not likely in your favor.

Both of you need to be civil around your son.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have never read a story where the BS ended the marriage over text messages/sexting. There were no nude pics or videos exchanged.

There is more to this. What OP did was stupid and cheating in my book. It doesn’t explain wife saying I am done and turning around and starts it up with someone else as soon as OP moves out. (The second time)

OP just happened to be the one that got caught.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I tried to move back in about a week ago and was met with some very harsh language and being hit by her. I was calm the whole time and never raised my voice. I will not have my son around that, ever. So what to do? Move in and fight or stay away for my son? I am working on myself, going to gym, more time with other family, trying to make new friends.


You have her ass arrested for domestic violence. You are going to lose your kid the route you are going.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

ABHale said:


> More than likely she was already having sex with the guy she started going to see a week after he left the house the second time


All we really know for sure is that he had a one year sexting affair he knew was inappropriate, then got fired for it and humiliated his wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.


Seriously? Perhaps it is a revenge affair? He cheats on her with someone at work, she decides to let him taste some of his own medicine. So why the focus on her and not on him. Gender bias much. She probably heard the rumours in the work place as she worked there too, she probably couldn't prove it but all that resentment needed an outlet and this is it. He blew up his marriage not her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Sounds like she has been cheating with this other man for a while. She not got to just start having sex with someone else in a week.


I don't know what planet you live on people have sex with people within one night never mind one week, do you actually hear yourself?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Seriously? Perhaps it is a revenge affair? He cheats on her with someone at work, she decides to let him taste some of his own medicine. So why the focus on her and not on him. Gender bias much. She probably heard the rumours in the work place as she worked there too, she probably couldn't prove it but all that resentment needed an outlet and this is it. He blew up his marriage not her.


Really, not at all thank you. There is a big difference between texts and ****ing someone’s brains out.

Revenge affair, when pigs fly.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> I don't know what planet you live on people have sex with people within one night never mind one week, do you actually hear yourself?


Yes I do thanks. Not all women are that way. I am from a place where people still have morals. 

Do you really want to continue the name calling?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> What AB said. You likely provided the opportunity for her to capitalize on your stupidity. I sure would like to know what you were thinking sexting a co-worker.
> 
> if you want her back it is going to be hard work, but she will have to want to save the marriage,too.
> 
> ...


I am surprised at you above all people @No Longer Lonely Husband . If you wife was naughty texting someone for a YEAR it is only 'asinine' (i.e.stupid or foolish, in other words a mistake?) I bet he did more than text for a year I bet he crossed that line. I bet wifey heard about it all, couldn't prove it and now is teaching him what it feels like. Asinine my ass! I am amazed at the level of leverage the males on this site are giving the OP. Sexting, texting 'naughty' sex talk all of it is not a mistake, it knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it was cheating. And do not for a minute think that it did not escalate over a year, come on, surely you are not that gullible?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> I am surprised at you above all people @No Longer Lonely Husband . If you wife was naughty texting someone for a YEAR it is only 'asinine' (i.e.stupid or foolish, in other words a mistake?) I bet he did more than text for a year I bet he crossed that line. I bet wifey heard about it all, couldn't prove it and now is teaching him what it feels like. Asinine my ass! I am amazed at the level of leverage the males on this site are giving the OP. Sexting, texting 'naughty' sex talk all of it is not a mistake, it knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it was cheating. And do not for a minute think that it did not escalate over a year, come on, surely you are not that gullible?


So now your calling the OP a liar. Anything else while your at it?

If you actually read my post, I have said several times that OP cheated on his wife.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

aine said:


> Sexting, texting 'naughty' sex talk all of it is not a mistake, it knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it was cheating. And do not for a minute think that it did not escalate over a year, come on, surely you are not that gullible?


Exactly and the whole nonsense with “we never sent pictures” - a whole year? Really? Not to mention he was fired and his wife had to endure that humiliation. So people are just buying this absolute tool’s sob story hook line and sinker? what’s the saying? Oh yeah, play stupid games win stupid prizes.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Yes I do thanks. Not all women are that way. I am from a place where people still have morals.
> 
> Do you really want to continue the name calling?


Well people having morals is hardly the context here is it? You are making suppositions without any evidence whatsoever, all we know is what he has told us. Facts: He was sexting someone for a YEAR. You can call it naughty, and split hairs about whether it fits the definition of 'sexting' or not. Fact is, he was cheating, not putting same effort into his wife and marriage. i can also make suppositions and say it probably escalated away beyond naughty texts, no way does a man invest in a YEAR long exchange without upping the ante and expecting more and more. 
He probably already slept with her in the broom closet at work but is minimizing everything to make himself look like the poor victim cause his wife doesn't want him anymore. Anyway can also make assumptions about him. 
You are victim blaming, you are minimizing what he has done and suggesting that he was justified cause his wife is cheating anyhow. Why are you giving him a 'get out of jail free card?'


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

ABHale said:


> So now your calling the OP a liar. Anything else while your at it?


His original post sure rings out like the kind of blathering rationalizations and minimizations and trickle truth any betrayed spouse is familiar with. So yeah, I call horseshit on it


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> So now your calling the OP a liar. Anything else while your at it?
> 
> If you actually read my post, I have said several times that OP cheated on his wife.


Read my post, which was not directed at you btw. I have a problem with the word "asinine" because it minimizes what the OP did. That is what cheaters do, they minimise over and over and now we have posters on here doing the same thing!


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

It seems lots of opinions. I admit I truly messed up, all my fault. I let work show her the text messages. There was never anything physical or pictures, that's the truth. Most of the texts were stupid gif images. It betrayed her trust and was disrespectful. Im ****, I know that. I moved out so she could think, but 3 days after I move out she's at this guys house. I dont blame her. I still get my son 4 or 5 days a week and he's my main focus. My son tried calling his mother last night and she didn't answer her phone. Im pretty sure she was at this guys house. Just seems ****ty to ignore your son. He asked me were she could be. I told him I didn't know. I'm not about to tell him moms out with some new guy. We both have issues from our childhood, im not looking for pity or anything. Guess I just need to get it all out. She's still going to counseling. Our relationship wasn't all Sunshine and rainbows, she's mived out twice before, we patch things up and tread forward. Its true, you dont know what you got til its gone. I just hope through my stupidity, 1 person can learn from my mistake.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fatherofoneson said:


> It seems lots of opinions. I admit I truly messed up, all my fault. I let work show her the text messages. There was never anything physical or pictures, that's the truth. Most of the texts were stupid gif images. It betrayed her trust and was disrespectful. Im ****, I know that. I moved out so she could think, but 3 days after I move out she's at this guys house. I dont blame her. I still get my son 4 or 5 days a week and he's my main focus. My son tried calling his mother last night and she didn't answer her phone. Im pretty sure she was at this guys house. Just seems ****ty to ignore your son. He asked me were she could be. I told him I didn't know. I'm not about to tell him moms out with some new guy. We both have issues from our childhood, im not looking for pity or anything. Guess I just need to get it all out. She's still going to counseling. Our relationship wasn't all Sunshine and rainbows, she's mived out twice before, we patch things up and tread forward. Its true, you dont know what you got til its gone. I just hope through my stupidity, 1 person can learn from my mistake.


Focus on yourself, you cannot change the past, and your cannot change your wife, I believe that ship has sailed.
However, with work you can become a decent human being and a better man, someone your son can look up to and be proud of. Someone who in the future any woman would be glad to have holding her hand. 
But you have to do the work, you are still minimizing what you did. If it was as harmless as you say then you would not have been sacked nor lost your marriage. Your first step is to own your ****!
You need to see a therapist also. I think your wife is rubbing her actions in your face, I am sure she has been humiliated by this exposure at work. A cheating husband is one thing but now everyone knows at her workplace.
BTW what happened to the OW, no consequences for her. Was she married?


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

I own up, I admit I ****ed up. OW no consequences and was married. I even apologized to her told her I thought we were just joking around. Obviously my wife doesn't care what people at work Think or she would not have jumped right from me to another guy at work. We used to make fun if people like that and then we both become that. I am working on myself. This is my lowest low I have no where to go but up. It like a light has come on in my heart and head. I see things alot differently now. Now I need to figure out dissolution or divorce. We have a house 2 cars and a child.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If she hadn't said she'd been unhappy for awhile, that would be one thing. But sounds like she is ready to move on.
> 
> A word of caution to everyone at work. If you are using company equipment and/or company wifi, there is a very good change your boss is keeping a record of everything coming and going or at least looking in. I know where I work, a small office, my boss can see it and backs everything up to a server. He also has it fixed where he can listen in on anyone's phone call who is using his phone system. Because making phone calls is what some of them do. For years, no one knew he did it, but when he got a new manager, it was clear she was doing it and it got out in the open at least with me. Another place I worked kept everything. There could be cameras where they can see what you're doing too.


If you have a paranoid boss and a small company. 

I am an IT person, and we don't have time for it now, and never have. 

The manager of the person should be able to keep tract of what their people are doing and how long it takes. 

Most busy IT depts. don't have time to do this stuff. I never have.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I own up, I admit I ****ed up. OW no consequences and was married. I even apologized to her told her I thought we were just joking around. Obviously my wife doesn't care what people at work Think or she would not have jumped right from me to another guy at work. We used to make fun if people like that and then we both become that. I am working on myself. This is my lowest low I have no where to go but up. It like a light has come on in my heart and head. I see things alot differently now. Now I need to figure out dissolution or divorce. We have a house 2 cars and a child.


NOW YOU ARE STARTING to get it.

For you to keep saying you were joking is kind of silly. You know that.

Take this divorce and time to work on yourself to learn to NOT be a narcissistic person. Not saying your are a NARC, I am saying you gave tendencies. 

Brother, it is time to grow up and get yourself together. 

And why don't you tell us why you got fired and she did not? What is that about, were you her boss???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Getting back on track here - I know this is going to be near impossible to do, but try to take the emotion out of everything and focus on protecting your property and financial assets and relationship with your child as much as possible. 

Get a good divorce attorney and bring him/her up to speed and then do what the attorney says and don't do what the attorney says not to do. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything you say or do without your attorney's foreknowledge and approval will be wrong and will be used against you. 

Do your own thing, go to the gym, sit in your underwear watching tv or playing video games and do what your attorney says. 

Divorces take a long time and are filled with minutia. This will play out over months. Let the attorney handle it and while that takes place the dust will begin to settle and high emotions and passions will start to ebb. If you allow this cooling off period, cooler heads will start to prevail. 

Maybe in time she'll realize this dude is just some guy capitalizing on a pissed off chick seeking some kind of revenge. 

Maybe she will decide she wants to try again. Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time if both parties agree to it. 

Maybe she'll decide she is better off without you and wants to forge full steam ahead with the divorce. 

Either way the right thing to do is do what your lawyer says and don't do what he/she says not to do. Don't think you know more about divorce that someone who has been through law school and specializes in divorces day in and day out for years and years. You really are not a special snowflake and your situation is not unique in the slightest. 

Take care of your own business and your own best interests. 

Document and report what your lawyer says to document and report. These will be things like denying access to your son at the times you are legally entitled to see him. Striking you is a crime even if she is 100lbs and you are are 260 lb powerlifter. Document and report that to your lawyer and provide any pictures of marks, bruising etc. 

Since there is now a history of violence and noncompliance with child access, record all of your interactions and report any threats, abuse, violence and noncompliance to your attorney ASAP. 

This is now a legal, financial and custodial issue and not an emotional or relationship issue. Treat it as the business and legal situation that it is and leave the emotion and feelings and relationship issues out of it.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Fatherofoneson said:


> It seems lots of opinions. I admit I truly messed up, all my fault. I let work show her the text messages. There was never anything physical or pictures, that's the truth. Most of the texts were stupid gif images. It betrayed her trust and was disrespectful. Im ****, I know that. I moved out so she could think, but 3 days after I move out she's at this guys house. I dont blame her. I still get my son 4 or 5 days a week and he's my main focus. My son tried calling his mother last night and she didn't answer her phone. Im pretty sure she was at this guys house. Just seems ****ty to ignore your son. He asked me were she could be. I told him I didn't know. I'm not about to tell him moms out with some new guy. We both have issues from our childhood, im not looking for pity or anything. Guess I just need to get it all out. She's still going to counseling. Our relationship wasn't all Sunshine and rainbows, she's mived out twice before, we patch things up and tread forward. Its true, you dont know what you got til its gone. I just hope through my stupidity, 1 person can learn from my mistake.


Looks like she was looking for a reason to pull the plug on the relationship. And you served it up to her on a silver platter.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with those who say she was looking for an opportunity to split and you served it up to her on a silver platter. People don't just end marriages over sexy gifs being exchanged even if it was for a year. There is more to this and I am assuming that you have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum like this, then she has been planning to exit for a while now. Who is this other guy? Does she work directly with or for him? Have they known each other for some time? Has he been round your house ? Do you know him too ?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MarriedTex said:


> Looks like she was looking for a reason to pull the plug on the relationship. And you served it up to her on a silver platter.


True. 

But with the speed and severity of her actions, it could have been that he came home from hanging with the guys later than he said or maybe leaving the toilet seat up or not mowing the lawn soon enough or not picking up the loaf of bread and carton of milk on his way home like she asked. 

Point being, this was inevitable and while it turned out to be the txting that was the straw that broke the camel's back, it could have been anything. For all we know she may have packed up for the OM's house next week even if OP was the perfect husband. 

I'm not condoning his involvement with the OW, just pointing out that his wife had one foot out the door before she caught wind of it. 

That is why in my previous post I urge OP to try to put away the emotions and relationship issues and focus on circling his wagons and getting his financial and legal affairs in order in preparation of divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Who is this other guy? Does she work directly with or for him? Have they known each other for some time? Has he been round your house ? Do you know him too ?


Does any of that really matter now?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> True.
> 
> But with the speed and severity of her actions, it could have been that he came home from hanging with the guys later than he said or maybe leaving the toilet seat up or not mowing the lawn soon enough or not picking up the loaf of bread and carton of milk on his way home like she asked.
> 
> ...


But do we know if she felt that way before he was so stupid? 

That is where I am at. If he had grown up, and became a grown man, would it have mattered???? 

We will never know, but I wonder...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Fatherofoneson said:


> Its true, you dont know what you got til its gone. I just hope through my stupidity, 1 person can learn from my mistake.


My man, I hope you understand women enough to realize she ain't showing you the exit because of your horsing around with pictures. And she show nuff ain't warming up her co-workers bed three days after you getting the boot because your actions embarrassed her at work. Women don't roll like that. It ain't "just through [your] stupidity" More likely, your exposure was a godsend to her. It provided her with a perfect excuse to ditch your azz and "take up" with the sexy co-worker that made her wet her pants every time she caught a whiff of his cologne. I hope you've got enough sense to realize if the chick had a high romantic interest in you, your tom foolery with the other dame would have been easily reconcilable. Was it a bone headed mistake to use company resources to tell a female employee you want to f her? Yep, can't get any stupider than that. Did your stupidity cause your future ex wife to jettison you and immediately hook up her hunky co-worker. Naw, you just gave her exactly the gift she needed.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Read my post, which was not directed at you btw. I have a problem with the word "asinine" because it minimizes what the OP did. That is what cheaters do, they minimise over and over and now we have posters on here doing the same thing!


You have quoted my post. So yes, it was directed at me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> But do we know if she felt that way before he was so stupid?
> 
> That is where I am at. If he had grown up, and became a grown man, would it have mattered????
> 
> We will never know, but I wonder...


He says that her reply was she had been unhappy for a long time. So I think it would be before she for out as well.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This thread illustrates how little men know about women.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

aine said:


> Agreed, major victim blaming going on here. I wonder if genders were reversed would the same people be calling out the betrayed husband. This is ********!


...and if it were a woman people would be advising of domestic abuse laws, after all he was physically assaulted by her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> But do we know if she felt that way before he was so stupid?
> 
> That is where I am at. If he had grown up, and became a grown man, would it have mattered????
> 
> We will never know, but I wonder...


He will probably never know the whole story let alone us ever knowing what was truly going on.

For all we know she may have been hot and heavy with this dude (or others) for years and was disengaging from him and that is what laid the groundwork for him seeking fun and games with this other chick.

Was he the chicken or was he the egg?

I agree with Vlad above. Barring actual abuse or chronic and flagrant infidelity or terrible alcoholism/drug abuse, Most women with young children don’t just up and leave the fathers of their children unless they are monkey-swinging to another branch that they think is a bigger better deal (BBD)

She’s been feathering this nest for some time.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

What if the other man is a gay coworker?
The one that is always there to help?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> What if the other man is a gay coworker?
> The one that is always there to help?


I assume this is sarcasm. 

It's always amazing how quickly these 'gay' friends and coworkers turn straight when the opportunity arises (no pun intended)


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Does any of that really matter now?


Yes it does. He needs to know what really went down. Even if it is over, he needs to understand if this was just a way out for her. We have to believe what he writes down, not like some others assume that he was hot and heavy physically with his female coworker. So if we take what he says as the truth, then it does not merit her not only ending the marriage but screwing another co-worker within a few days - this does not make sense. He has already admitted to and apologised for his wrong doing. Maybe its time she did the same.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His behavior doesn't merit her leaving him? Really?

His wife is no shrinking violet. She had already moved out twice [reasons?] and then moved back in [promises made?]. She allowed him to move back home and they went to marriage counseling [does that sound like someone who was clapping her hands with glee that she had an excuse to ditch him?] where she determined that she can't get over this. He moved out and she's moving on. She didn't need an excuse to kick him to the curb. 

She's done. She's still in counseling where (hopefully) she'll figure out how to fix her broken picker.


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts. Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Fatherofoneson said:


> What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts. Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.


Listen brother, I don't want to sound mean or hurt your feelings. 

However, what you wrote sounds juvenile and you have a child. Can you begin to see that. Married men do not text/sext or anything else with other woman. 

You need to try and figure out WHY you cannot/did not/ and still don't understand why this is wrong. 

Are you stuck in a CHILDS Mindset? Are you so clueless you did not understand that it was wrong? You have never been in an adult relationship and you don't know what your are doing? 

The things you are saying make ZERO sense to those of us that are adults. Did you not know that you have to pay attention to your wife, not just sexual attention? You have to listen and interact and a whole host of things that you SOME HOW never figured out on your own???? 

Are you autistic or on the autism spectrum or something?

All of these questions, and I could literally list out about a 100 of them, you need to figure out. 

Yeah, you lost your wife. It could have been over your stupid texting affair, or she could have been gone a long time ago. She could have been having an affair with this guy for a while or slept with him the first day you moved out. It make little difference now.

Look, these questions, do you even understand why they are important? 

Because every time you post you seem to be in some type of denial, fog, or whatever, that I don't even begin to understand where you are coming from...

Is any of this registering????


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

I get it , I do. We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems. I wasn't the only one not giving attention. My wife has a whole backstory that I don't need to share. I believe I was missing something from our marriage and so was she. I know what I did was wrong. Im still trying to figure out why I did it as I did not want anything physical from the woman, believe it or not. My actions were childish and immature.That doesn't change what I did, I know that. I'm completely in the wrong. I see stories of couples going through infidelity, surviving and having a better relationship, i wish i was one of those stories. People change, my **** up has changed me, and while it may not be the way i wanted it to happen, it has happened. 
And actually married men do this stuff all the time or this forum wouldn't exist. The only denial I am in is loosing my wife, I know she's gone and its my fault, if I would have felt in the past,, the way i do now, I wouldn't be here. Marriage is hard, sometimes it takes work, work i didnt put in. Nothing i can do now but learn from my bad choices and move forward. I would love to reconcile and be the husband I should have been, but thats not my choice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I actually do believe that you love your wife and that you did something really wrong. All I am questioning is how she managed to go from that to screwing another man in such a short period of time - especially for one who "was no shrinking violet and wanted to try and save her marriage at all costs before". Again I will ask - did you know her AP, were there signs before, was this "relationship" building up over some time ? What does your gut say ?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fatherofoneson said:


> We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems.


THIS is the reason she is leaving. You both didn't address things, this texting just was one straw too many for her, and out the door she went.

You BOTH take the blame for not working on these issues, not just you. Learn from this -- make sure that you never let issues like this in any relationship just fester.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Fatherofoneson said:


> I get it , I do. We had problems long before this but for some reason both of us chose not to address or fix the problems. I wasn't the only one not giving attention. My wife has a whole backstory that I don't need to share. I believe I was missing something from our marriage and so was she. I know what I did was wrong. Im still trying to figure out why I did it as I did not want anything physical from the woman, believe it or not. My actions were childish and immature.That doesn't change what I did, I know that. I'm completely in the wrong. I see stories of couples going through infidelity, surviving and having a better relationship, i wish i was one of those stories. People change, my **** up has changed me, and while it may not be the way i wanted it to happen, it has happened.
> And actually married men do this stuff all the time or this forum wouldn't exist. The only denial I am in is loosing my wife, I know she's gone and its my fault, if I would have felt in the past,, the way i do now, I wouldn't be here. Marriage is hard, sometimes it takes work, work i didnt put in. Nothing i can do now but learn from my bad choices and move forward. I would love to reconcile and be the husband I should have been, but thats not my choice.


I should have said married men SHOULD NOT DO this stuff... But what the **** difference does it make at this point for you to bring that up. 

See, childish... Deflecting what you did because everyone does it... You did not want anything physical so that WHAT makes it better????

She has issues too so it is not that bad, I am not that bad, bla bla bla…

Listen, for you to grow as a man, you have to be able to spot the **** that comes out of your mouth before you even say it… because it is ******** and meaningless... 

Here is an example: She had issues, we did not handle it right... Ok how would you should you have handled it? 

Should you have let it go, buried your head in the sand, thrown a hissy fit, had an emotional affair. or SHOULD YOU HAVE SAT HER DOWN Like a man a had a real talk with her.

See what I am doing here, look at YOUR BEHAVIOR... How could you have MADE It better. 

So even though you are "Getting it" you don't get it. 

You need therapy with some type of life coach or something. You sound like an entitled princess that needs to get straightened out.

You thought that if you got caught you would be ENTITLED to a second chance. No one is entitled to a second chance. 

Real question: Was your dad a playboy, or some type of dish rag that took crap off of your mother, or was one of them an alcoholic or something?

You have to start getting REAL with yourself before you are any good to your kids or another partner.

Good luck...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> I actually do believe that you love your wife and that you did something really wrong. All I am questioning is how she managed to go from that to screwing another man in such a short period of time - especially for one who "was no shrinking violet and wanted to try and save her marriage at all costs before". Again I will ask - did you know her AP, were there signs before, was this "relationship" building up over some time ? What does your gut say ?


This is what Blondie (I Think) was talking about... 

Guys, a woman can give more ***** away quicker that you could buy it if you were a billionaire. 

Do you guys not get that. Further, lot and lots of woman may choose to sleep with a guy on the first date, it has happened to me. 

And this thing has been going on for a year (discovery of his affair), so she has had plenty of time to decide to dump him. 

She could have been screwing the guy for 2 years, 1 year, or 1 week. 

It really really does not matter, she is done with him... I think for good.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yes women jump into bed quickly but that's not the norm. To openly start a relationship with a co-worker days after this blow up with her husband and father of her kid? No, this woman most likely has been seeing this guy for months.

OP, you screwed up with your EA. You may have seen it as harmless flirting but it looks like your STBXW took it as her opportunity to openly monkey branch. 

You need to file D and get the custody issue resolved. 

There's also a lesson for men. The bias against us is not only in the family court system.
corporate HR will usually come down hard on men and find a way to keep the woman.
Not always the case but I've seen it in real life in a few co. that I've worked at. So men,
DON'T sh.. where you eat.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Yes it does. He needs to know what really went down. Even if it is over, he needs to understand if this was just a way out for her. We have to believe what he writes down, not like some others assume that he was hot and heavy physically with his female coworker. So if we take what he says as the truth, then it does not merit her not only ending the marriage but screwing another co-worker within a few days - this does not make sense. He has already admitted to and apologised for his wrong doing. Maybe its time she did the same.


I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another. 

To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. . 

But this was obviously a disordered relationship that was on the edge for a long time. She found out about him texting another woman and that was her eject signal. 

I think she may have done the same thing if he forgot to flush the toilet after dropping a bomb or didn't pick his dirty underwear on the floor for the last time. 

When people are on the edge and have one foot out the door, that final straw can be something very trivial to most people in a sound relationship but to the person with one foot out the door, it is that watershed moment. 

For many people that leave and take up with someone else, their first relationship had been dead to them for a long time. They just needed that final push that overcomes the resting inertia. 

She may have been screwing that OM for a year or more. Or maybe they happened to run into each at the bar the night she walked out and when he asked what was up she told him her H is a cheating turd and she's looking for a Revenge F---. or it could be anything in between. She is a vagina owner so she can pick up a penis in 15 minutes at Quip Trip if she wants one. This may have been a hot and heavy affair for a long time or she may have sent him a winky emoji via text after she stomped out of the house and told him to meet her in the parking lot behind Applebees. 
The reason I say the who's, when's, where's and how manys don't matter now is because they really don't. She has physically separated from him and is hit'n it with another guy and is seemingly moving forward with separation and assumably divorce. 

That means he needs to get off his whiney azz and get to an attorney to start getting his legal, financial and child custodial affairs in order so he doesn't lose any more of his money, property and access to his child than legally required. 

what this guy's name and shoe size is and when and where they started their little fling doesn't matter when someone is trying to take your house, your retirement funds and your child from you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another.
> 
> To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. .
> 
> ...


The condensed TLDR version.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> Yes women jump into bed quickly but that's not the norm. To openly start a relationship with a co-worker days after this blow up with her husband and father of her kid? No, this woman most likely has been seeing this guy for months.


That is very possible and if I were forced to place a bet, my bet would be that they have at least been giving each other the nudge-nudge-wink-wink for some time if not already in a hot and heavy affair. 

But you can't look at this as what someone in a reasonably sound and healthy relationship would do. 

By the time many people actually physically leave, they have been disengaged from the relationship and basically consider the relationship dead for quite some time. Some times even years. 

That final straw may seem trivial and maybe even irresponsible and wrong to other people in working relationships, but to them that sneer or that dirty underwear left on the floor or them forgetting to pick up bread and milk on the way home from work is the watershed moment that changed their lives. 

Same is true with taking up with other people. To someone in a good, functional relationship, they can't fathom not fighting for the relationship and trying to work through anything but the most flagrant adultery or terrible abuse. 

But to someone that has been disengaging for some time that already considers the relationship dead and already has one foot out the door, all it takes is smile and friendly hello. 

She may have already been hot and heavy with this dude. But if she were already disengaged and already felt the marriage null and void (which it sounds like she did) This was just the "Ah HAH!" moment and this OM may have simply schmoozed her at lunch the next day. 

And if this was a Revenge F on her part, she may have simply shot him a txt as she was leaving the house and told him to book a room at the No-Tel Motel as soon as he could get there. 

I'm a 56 year old bald dude with glasses and a bit of a pooch. If my wife packed up and left this weekend, I have full confidence that could have a couple dinner dates by next weekend. 

But If we are talking about a younger women that is under 250lbs and showers regularly, she can have a Revenge F or a NSA hook up arranged before sundown.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But If we are talking about a younger women that is under 250lbs and showers regularly, she can have a Revenge F or a NSA hook up arranged before sundown.


...... and if she is over 250lbs, it may take an extra 15 minutes to get signed up on a BBW hook up site or app but I would still keep my money on an arrangement by sundown.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> His behavior doesn't merit her leaving him? Really?
> 
> He moved out and she's moving on. She didn't need an excuse to kick him to the curb.


Yes she did. She had already done the ILYBINILWY, if not to him, in her mind. But let me use a couple of other phrases to describe the bridge FOOS her from his house to her new boyfriends house; 
1. Seizing the opportunity (I think I like this better)
2. The straw that broke the camels back. ( a little weak because I believe in a matter of weeks/month, she'd ditched him anyway.)
Anyways, his shenanigans with the elder spunker gave his wife dang near perfect way out where she could to switch to the new guy without raising a lot of eye brows. I can almost hear the office gossip now, "I don't blame her a bit and Gary is such a hunk. Her husband was carrying on with that old Agnes from the parts department. Ain't no telling how many men she's been involved with over the years." 
I'd bet there's not enough money in their town to make his wife undo what happened.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

⬆ 
Either way.
Gone is gone...
If blaming her makes it easier to move on so be it.
As long as you get your affairs in order by hiring a lawyer and protecting the rights you have with your son


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Yes she did. She had already done the ILYBINILWY, if not to him, in her mind. But let me use a couple of other phrases to *describe the bridge FOOS her from his house to her new boyfriends house;*
> 1. Seizing the opportunity (I think I like this better)
> 2. The straw that broke the camels back. ( a little weak because I believe in a matter of weeks/month, she'd ditched him anyway.)
> Anyways, his shenanigans with the elder spunker gave his wife dang near perfect way out where she could to switch to the new guy without raising a lot of eye brows. I can almost hear the office gossip now, "I don't blame her a bit and Gary is such a hunk. Her husband was carrying on with that old Agnes from the parts department. Ain't no telling how many men she's been involved with over the years."
> *I'd bet there's not enough money in their town to make his wife undo what happened.*


? (I want the scratching my head emoticon back dammit. These emoticons are lame.)

Well, no one wants to be married to a moron. One would have to have been living under a rock for the past ten years to not have heard about sexual harassment in the workplace. Yeah, yeah, he thought they were 'friends'. Pffffft.

She didn't need an EXCUSE because she had a REASON.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I think you are looking at this situation as some kind of primary event scenario or that this is actually about the sexting. I also think you are looking at it from a 'save-the-marriage' perspective to one degree or another.
> 
> To someone in sound relationship and is a generally faithful person, this will all seem kind of bizarre and one will try to peel back layers and determine who is the original bad guy and assign proper blame. .
> 
> ...


I don't know where you get the idea that he does not want to try and fight for his marriage here. He said it plain and simple in his opening post and was looking for our advice on this. Its very easy to tell him that this marriage is toast and that he should move on. However, that is not necessarily what he wants or even wants advice on. My comments to him are to do with before you fight for this marriage, find out what actually happened. 

I agree that his wife probably had enough and had one foot out the door already. He needs to know if this is worth fighting for. His exchange of texts with the old woman may have seemed playful nonsense to him but his wife sure used it to get with her new guy real quick - a bit too quick. I agree that any woman can go and get laid at the drop of a hat but not a woman that was seriously in a marriage until the discovery of the texting. Its not that she is moving on because she has had enough, its more to do with the speed with which she ended up in bed with someone else - and from work at that. And if "Gary" was such a hunk would he really want someone with baggage or is this a fling for him. If OP's wife has opted for a fling to even the score that is one thing. If she has been lusting after the office hunk, that is another. But if she was in a committed marriage and was fighting for her marriage that is yet a separate thing (and it does not appear to be the case here).

So long story short, OP, if your wife had been lusting after the office hunk and maybe even already started something with him, then regardless of what you did, this is not worth fighting for. You need to get to the bottom of this (the truth) for your own peace of mind and conviction in how to proceed. Don't take too long or else she could have your house, kids and money before you move.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Unless his wife told him she was going to this guy's house and having sex with him, everything is speculation. Options for dating are rather limited due to Covid - they could be playing cards.

He didn't say how he found out - either she told him or he saw her going to the guy's house which means he was stalking her. Not enough info, really.

There is a male member who beat up his wife because she went to a bar and had a drink while there were men there. I'm sure some males thought "She deserved it - she was probably dancing naked on the pool table". This forum is full of men who still think of women as property who have no right to end the union just because their husband is a bona fide SOB.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Options for dating are rather limited due to Covid - they could be playing cards.


I’m not speculating whether she has or has not been having an affair with OM.

Just pointing out that millions and millions of people have not altered their lifestyles or changed their habits and activities one bit due to covid. 

HIV/AIDS, HPV, gonorhea, syphilis, clamydia, herpes etc are well established and part of the landscape for decades to millennia and people still have unprotected sex when they screw around so some new emergent cold that millions of people don’t even believe is real isn’t going to stop anyone.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


VladDracul said:



My man, I hope you understand women enough to realize she ain't showing you the exit because of your horsing around with pictures. And she show nuff ain't warming up her co-workers bed three days after you getting the boot because your actions embarrassed her at work. Women don't roll like that.

Click to expand...

*LOL. Oh ye of little faith. Some of us roll _exactly _like that if we're angry enough.

I never share personal business here on TAM but I'm going to do so, in this case. 😁

My ex-H was a huge serial cheater and that's why I left him (almost 30 years ago). Our 10 year marriage was pretty much a complete joke down at the firehouse (he was a volunteer fireman) because everyone knew what a skirt chaser he was. I had many fireman flirt with me over the course of my affiliation there but I never took it past that.

Until I decided to get revenge on my ****head cheating ex.

About a week after I'd moved out of our marital home and was in my own place, I decided it was time for revenge. All I had to do was crook my finger at him and this young fireman (the cutest one - might as well make it worth my while) who was one of several who'd been giving me the googly eye for the last few years, was on my doorstep in seconds. I brought him back to my lady lair and taught him a few things then released him back into the wild a couple hours later, knowing full well he was a young dumbass who wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut and would be bragging all OVER the firehouse about it. 🤣🤣

It didn't take long at all for my STBxH, cheater *extraordinairre*, to call me up whining about how I'd humiliated him in front of *all* the guys.  I guess the last 10 years of him humiliating _me_ in front of everyone apparently didn't count.

I tried, folks. I truly _*tried*_ to choke up a tear for his pain when he was giving me hell for humiliating him with that young buck, but in the end, I simply wasn't able to give a rat's ass. But I did tell him if the other firemen weren't so damned ugly, I would have likely done it *again* - just for good measure. So he was lucky it was a leper colony down there or it may have been worse for him.

Anyway, my point?

That some of us *can* be downright vindictive when pushed.  And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close. Maybe she's all about saving face and has decided this is the way she's going to do it.

Just sayin'.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Who cares how quickly after (notice I say after--there's no proof otherwise) she hopped into someone else's bed?! She was done, done, done. 

Y'all are some judgy McJudgersons.

To the OP:

That you thought so little of your marriage when you knew you were full-on sexting, yet insist you two were "joking" would be reason enough for me to leave you, let alone the actual deed!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not speculating whether she has or has not been having an affair with OM.
> 
> Just pointing out that millions and millions of people have not altered their lifestyles or changed their habits and activities one bit due to covid.
> 
> HIV/AIDS, HPV, gonorhea, syphilis, clamydia, herpes etc are well established and part of the landscape for decades to millennia and people still have unprotected sex when they screw around so some new emergent cold that millions of people don’t even believe is real isn’t going to stop anyone.


You missed the point. In a lot of places, there is no dining in or bars open or entertainment options for a date. No movie theaters etc. One member meeting her on-line suitor actually sat down in the garden section of a grocery store and made out with the guy - that's how bad entertainment options are in some areas.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> You missed the point. In a lot of places, there is no dining in or bars open or entertainment options for a date. No movie theaters etc. One member meeting her on-line suitor actually sat down in the garden section of a grocery store and made out with the guy - that's how bad entertainment options are in some areas.


Sounds like she went right to his house. Traditional entertainment venues not necessary.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Sounds like she went right to his house. Traditional entertainment venues not necessary.


LOL


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That some of us *can* be downright vindictive when pushed.  And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close.


Of course you're right SSGI. I've met a few in my time that did from what you did to selling their cheating spouse $20k boat for $$2,500 dollars. You sound like you had a belly full of your ex's blatent non-sense. If he'd limited his activities to a few emails, with attachments, its doesn't sound like you'd been seeking revenge via one of the firehouse boys. Am I wrong thinking if that'd been the case, you'd put humpty dumpty back together after giving him a little azz kicking and a stern warning not to repeat his "misdemeanors". BTW, lucky fireman.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

We do not know any facts other than what the OP tells us but I do admit that we sometimes arrive at conclusions based on past experience or patterns of activity that we have seen. Lets get what we know (based on what we have been told) down in a list here:


The OP spends a year exchanging flirty texts with an old woman that he is not attracted to in any way. No pictures, never while at home, and no intention of taking it further. Hardly sexting, without pictures etc.


The OP gets fired for doing this although the old woman does not.


The OP explains very clearly that he is sorry, nothing else happened, no pics and that he wants to work on making it right with his wife.


The wife kicks OP out of the house and when he tries to come back, physically attacks him.


The wife wants separation leading to divorce. We do not know if she was "embarassed" by his texts or what else was at play here. 


Within a week of doing this she is going to another co-workers house (no need for public areas to have an affair or date, straight to his house and might I suggest, not to play chess).


The OP wants to fight for his marriage and is asking our advice on how to achieve this.

I cannot understand how nothing seems odd or fishy about the wife's behaviour to others here. If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye. It would be more like a whole body organ for a toenail !!!

So what can we infer:

She is probably visiting this man's house for sex.
This has either been going on for a lot longer OR she is quite an immoral uncaring person.
There have probably been other problems or issues in the marriage.
If there were problems they were not properly addressed - instead eventually it ended with the wife sleeping with another man and the OP sending flirty texts.

Once again, as I have said before, the OP needs to find out if there is anything worth saving here (he seems to think there is) and to do that he needs the truth and facts. Then comes a ton of other work.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Anyway, my point?
> 
> That some of us *can* be downright vindictive when pushed.  And it's HIGHLY possible that the OP's wife wants VERY badly to show everyone at work that she's not home crying into her beer while continually pulling on the chain light switch of her bedroom lamp, turning it on and off like Glen Close. Maybe she's all about saving face and has decided this is the way she's going to do it.
> 
> Just sayin'.


I don't think anyone is questioning that revenge F's are a thing or that people don't get really angry and vindictive. 

But my question to you is, if your H's only offense was sending flirty txts and sophomoric nudy GIFs to some 20 years older woman (who we assume is no Jenifer Aniston or J-Lo) and you had an otherwise stable and healthy relationship - would you have immediately moved out and called up your sexy fireman calendar boi? 

by your own admission your X was a career skirt chaser and serial cheater and the town knew about it but yet you stayed for a long time despite his antics. I'm presuming you didn't move out and bang the nozzle man upon the first discovery of flirty texts. Yes, you reached your breaking point and took action, but did you go to the nuclear option the moment you discovered flirty txts? 

If she's "saving face" by hit'n it with the OM, then I certainly hope there is more to this story for her own sake, because if she packed up and moved out and is banging Gary from accounting because her H sent some pervy txts to someone old enough to be his mother, then she's the one that likely to get more raised eyebrows and tongue-clicks and head shakes from the gossipy old ladies at work. 

There's likely more to this story that either the OP is not telling us or that he himself is not aware of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> We do not know any facts other than what the OP tells us but I do admit that we sometimes arrive at conclusions based on past experience or patterns of activity that we have seen. Lets get what we know (based on what we have been told) down in a list here:
> 
> 
> The OP spends a year exchanging flirty texts with an old woman that he is not attracted to in any way. No pictures, never while at home, and no intention of taking it further. Hardly sexting, without pictures etc.
> ...


I agree with you on this. What @*Fatherofoneson *did was wrong. But what his wife is doing is wrong as well. I don't think she just suddenly decided to jump in bed with some other guy. 

There are dozens of threads on TAM in which the consensus is that revenge affair are not ok. They are still affairs. But suddenly it's ok? It's not. It's still adultery. 



manfromlamancha said:


> So what can we infer:
> 
> She is probably visiting this man's house for sex.
> This has either been going on for a lot longer OR she is quite an immoral uncaring person.
> ...


My bet is that she's been cheating for a while now and his sexting thing gave her what she thinks is a perfect excuse to be open with her affair. @*Fatherofoneson * do some investigating. Look at phone records and see if there are a lot of phone calls between your wife and this guy going back in time. The truth is always relevant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Fatherofoneson*

You need to move back into your family home. Your wife cannot kick you out, that's your legal residence. See a lawyer and find out your rights

If she hits you again or physically attacks you in any way, call the police. That's domestic violence.

Do some investigation/snooping and try to find out how long her affair has actually been going on. My bet is that both of you were doing your own things for a while.

Now your question about whether or not your marriage can be saved. Yes it can . I know, I know a lot of our members are saying that she's clearly done and a lot of other negativity. But I've seen couples rebuild even after doing each other horribly wrong. It takes two and it takes a lot of work. But it can be done.

There are some books that lay out a very good path for recovering a marriage after affairs. The first one to read is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book lays out a plan for getting her to end her affair and for working on recovery. 

Then, if the two of you do decide to recover your marriage, you both have a lot of work to do. The two books that would help you rebuild your marriage are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. Do the work they say to do. Then, if your wife decides to join you in recovering your marriage, ask her to read them with you and to do the work together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fatherofoneson said:


> What really sucks is, i still love my wife, alot I know how could I text another woman and love my wife. I made a decision to do what I did, it was a very bad one. Whats strange, and i know most if you wont believe, but i had no feelings for the woman i was texting, she is 20 years older than me and i have determined I was just looking for some kind if attention. *I dont have many friends and I thought this woman was one. The talk in our office between 5 or 6 people was always perverted and I let that carry over into these texts.* Thats no excuse im just explaining. Its like I disassociated the woman from the texts. I would send a text. Get a reply and laugh. Its like I could have been texting a chatbot and git the same feeling. My choices have ruined my life but I was hoping to wirk through this. What happened is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Worst cause I lost my wife, best because it has opened my mind and heart to the person i was, and I will never be that man again.


I've worked places where this goes on between some of the other employees. Some people just enjoy that sort of talk and don't really consider it a sexual turn on. Sometimes the women are worse than the guys.

This was going on between 5 or 6 people at your job? Was any of it in person or was it all texting?

Were all 5 or 6 fired? If not why not? If they were not fired too, then you might very well have a legal case against your employer. Would you mind explaining why the rest of them were not also fired?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye.


Lol says you. If my H "jokingly" (schyeah right gimme a break) sexted with a coworker of ours FOR A YEAR, I am SO so so out. And, if I feel like getting under to get over, or whatever the reason, THE MILISECOND I declare I'm so done I sure as **** will! That's a year out of our marriage he should've been sexting ME. And guess what? He sure wasn't in a committed, loving relationship with his wife when he was sexting the coworker, was he? Oh. Yeah. They were joking. 🙄 

He broke this thing, not her. I am gobsmacked at some of the responses here. Blameshifting and mitigation galore. It's gross.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Lol says you. If my H "jokingly" (schyeah right gimme a break) sexted with a coworker of ours FOR A YEAR, I am SO so so out. And, if I feel like getting under to get over, or whatever the reason, THE MILISECOND I declare I'm so done I sure as **** will! That's a year out of our marriage he should've been sexting ME. And guess what? He sure wasn't in a committed, loving relationship with his wife when he was sexting the coworker, was he? Oh. Yeah. They were joking. 🙄
> 
> He broke this thing, not her. I am gobsmacked at some of the responses here. Blameshifting and mitigation galore. It's gross.


So if your husband sent texts (no pics, no meetups, just racy texts to a much older woman coworker and he did not find her attractive or intend to do anything with her - AND we do not know that OP did not text his wife too), you would go straight ahead to a coworkers house and "get under" so to speak. I would suggest you need to re-examine your commitment to the marriage.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> So if your husband sent texts (no pics, no meetups, just racy texts to a much older woman coworker and he did not find her attractive or intend to do anything with her - AND we do not know that OP did not text his wife too), you would go straight ahead to a coworkers house and "get under" so to speak. I would suggest you need to re-examine your commitment to the marriage.


"Straight ahead to a coworker's house"? Are we reading the same thread? Did people conveniently forget how his W tried to work it out with him initially but decided that she couldn't? So that counts for nothing? That's not "straight to a coworker's house". Even if she didn't try to work it out, that's her right.

And you think I'm going to trust one syllable that comes out of my husband's mouth because he's been lying to me for a year? How do I know he doesn't find her attractive? How do I know what his intentions were? He's lied to me for a year, remember? Doesn't matter if she's "much older". You know as well as I do that people affair down. How do I know they didn't exchange pics or meet up? You think I'm going to take this as fact as you seem to?

And I find it laughable that you're telling _me_ to reexamine _my _commitment to the marriage when it's my H who was sexting. Yes. SEXTING. That was established early in this thread. I have nothing to reexamine--he does. Do you realize how bass ackwards that sounds?

And what about that TAM mantra that everyone is different? What would break one marriage might not break another's? Why are you condemning her (or my for that matter) choice to leave her/my cheating H? It's not a boilerplate situation. Yet you're treating it as such. It was your initial quote painting this situation with such a wide brush that I disagreed with and now, it's even worse. I'm so disappointed.

I won't tolerate my husband sexting anyone that's not me. And for a year! It's my decision and I can do whatever I want when I decide I'm done and inform him of that fact. I don't have to "reexamine" anything. What you've suggested is so outrageous and offensive.

So don't tell _me_ to reexamine my commitment to my marriage. Why don't You tell _my husband_ to reexamine his commitment to the marriage and while you're at it, lecture him about sexting a coworker for a year when he should've used that 365 days to sext or woo me, his wife?

Let's agree to disagree.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> My man, I hope you understand women enough to realize she ain't showing you the exit because of your horsing around with pictures. And she show nuff ain't warming up her co-workers bed three days after you getting the boot because your actions embarrassed her at work. *Women don't roll like that.* It ain't "just through [your] stupidity" More likely, your exposure was a godsend to her. It provided her with a perfect excuse to ditch your azz and "take up" with the sexy co-worker that made her wet her pants every time she caught a whiff of his cologne. I hope you've got enough sense to realize if the chick had a high romantic interest in you, your tom foolery with the other dame would have been easily reconcilable. Was it a bone headed mistake to use company resources to tell a female employee you want to f her? Yep, can't get any stupider than that. Did your stupidity cause your future ex wife to jettison you and immediately hook up her hunky co-worker. Naw, you just gave her exactly the gift she needed.


Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better? This is ********. You have heard the term "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned" That wasn't made up for fun, it reflects how women roll when they have reached their limit.

Incidentally, anything we know about the wife is coming from a man who is a cheater, so go figure...............


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> think I'm going to trust one syllable that comes out of my husband's mouth because he's be





manfromlamancha said:


> *If you are in a committed loving relationship, you do not let flirty texts (no pics, no real sexting) end your marriage and you certainly do not screw another man straight away as revenge - revenge for what exactly? This is not an eye for an eye.*


The point is, the wife realised she was NOT in a committed loving relationship cause her WH took her for granted by sexting a woman for a YEAR.

It is irrelevant who the woman was, how old and so forth, does she rely on the word of a liar (that is what cheaters are). He wasn't showing any commitment to her or the marriage. So please explain why is it the wife's responsibility to keep things together? Now that he comes running, suddenly she should accept his 'sorry.'?
This is an unfortunate male perspective, in too many marriages, women keep things together in the face of awful, ****ty, unloving behavior but then shock horror when they reach their limit and take action by leaving. Why should she put up with this? If a man was on here telling us that his wife was engaging in sexting for a whole year, the old misogynist brigade would be telling him to kick her to the kerb. One rule for women and one rule for men.
She has a right to make choices. She chooses to leave the marriage, she chooses to **** someone else. Her choices! maybe she got tired of holding **** together with a man (in his own words) who didn't put enough effort into the marriage.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

aine said:


> Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better?


I think if you reread my post you’ll see I’m not picking on the chick. I’m tell him his wife lost interest in him. Unless you’re telling me the women on this site are saying it’s standard for women to go to another mans house three days and times thereafter, what I’m saying is far from BS. I submit most would be devastated finding out their husband get fired for his diddling. They,d have to regain their wits before regular trips to another mans house. Tell me I’m wrong. Would you summarily bang another guy if your SO “sext” another woman?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems to me that many of the females here say they do not trust what the OP is saying - what other info can we possibly know about this case? He is here anonymously for help with repairing his marriage. He could make up all kinds of things - why this particular set of facts? By the same token are we not to believe anything that anyone posts if it triggers us in some way?

I think the only way we can help OP is to start with assuming that he is not lying. If there is missing info we can ask for it. We cannot pick and choose what to believe with no other info to hand. 

He moved out and came back. His wife went to counselling with him and then kicked him out. Within a week she started going to this other mans house. Thats what he has told us. He has not said that he spent 365 days sexting another woman instead of his wife. That is just somebody triggering badly.

So ... once again ... screwing another coworker because her husband sent some racy texts (for a year admittedly but without once letting it get to anything more for that whole year) within a week of "trying to work it out" does not make sense in the cold light of day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aine said:


> Really? In spite of what the women on the forum are saying, you and some others of the male gender seem to know women better? This is ********. You have heard the term "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned" That wasn't made up for fun, it reflects how women roll when they have reached their limit.
> 
> Incidentally, anything we know about the wife is coming from a man who is a cheater, so go figure...............


Yes, everything we know is coming from the OP. But that's all we have to go on. However, we don't have to worry about that now because I doubt the OP will be back. 'So we will not be able to ask for more info. Too bad he was driven off because with a kinder approach he might have received the type of support that would have helped him.

The fact is that we women are not of one hive mind. Each of us behaves in a manner consistent with our character. A lot of women would end up wanting to try to fix their marriage even after finding out that their husband did something wrong. Something like 85% of all marriages in which there is infidelity end up reconciling. Sexting is bad but it is no where near as bad as having actual sex with a live human with two bodies.

What he did is not legally adultery. If she is cheating and actually having sex with another man, that's legally adultery. If his wife is cheating, he will be able to use fault to influence the division of property and alimony. Even many no-fault divorce states still let adultery to be used in determining these aspects of the divorce. Sexting is not legally considered adultery. Having actual sex with someone else is legally adultery.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oh So now we're down to defining what adultery is legally? What about the woman whose husband sexted thinks it is?

And the 365 days a year was taking a bit of poetic license. Come on.

I'm normally very quiet about double standards here, but this one takes the cake. I'm out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like the timeline has gotten muddled. Reread the OP's first post to see that his wife did not immediately start going to another man's house. It's looking more like 2 months after she found out.

It's ridiculous that her actions need defending. Yes; IF she wanted to work on the marriage, she wouldn't have done that. But, guess what, she doesn't! And, that's her right.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Sexting is bad but it is no where near as bad as having actual sex with a live human with two bodies.





EleGirl said:


> What he did is not legally adultery.


So he should tell his wife "well, _legally_ I wasn't cheating" and she's supposed to just get over it or welcome him home with open arms? Sexting might not have gone as far as a PA and it might not sound as bad to an outsider, but to the betrayed... it feels just as bad. 


EleGirl said:


> A lot of women would end up wanting to try to fix their marriage even after finding out that their husband did something wrong. Something like 85% of all marriages in which there is infidelity end up reconciling.


So the second her husband was caught, at their mutual workplace, and fired she should have jumped on the reconciliation wagon? He didn't confess... he was caught, and he would have kept going if he wasn't caught. She knows that. Was he sexting the OW while at home with his wife? During their time together, during their family moments? She knows that too. Was lack of opportunity the only thing stopping this from becoming a PA? She's wondering that. 

She started counseling with him, yeah it didn't last but she did try. If the marriage was already **** then this could very well have been the final straw. Why fix something that's so broken you don't really want it anyway? It doesn't mean she was cheating first.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

For all of you fellas who think the wife is being unreasonable, why don't you head down to Going through Divorce... and share your wisdom with Ernesto123. It seems he could use some of your judgment.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fatherofoneson said:


> It seems lots of opinions. I admit I truly messed up, all my fault. I let work show her the text messages. There was never anything physical or pictures, that's the truth. Most of the texts were stupid gif images. It betrayed her trust and was disrespectful. Im ****, I know that. I moved out so she could think, but 3 days after I move out she's at this guys house. I dont blame her. I still get my son 4 or 5 days a week and he's my main focus. My son tried calling his mother last night and she didn't answer her phone. Im pretty sure she was at this guys house. Just seems ****ty to ignore your son. He asked me were she could be. I told him I didn't know. I'm not about to tell him moms out with some new guy. We both have issues from our childhood, im not looking for pity or anything. Guess I just need to get it all out. She's still going to counseling. Our relationship wasn't all Sunshine and rainbows, she's mived out twice before, we patch things up and tread forward. Its true, you dont know what you got til its gone. I just hope through my stupidity, 1 person can learn from my mistake.


Your W had someone in the wings already. Could be possible something was going on with your W and OM while you were texting OW. 

This is a toxic relationship. It may be best to keep separate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobert said:


> So he should tell his wife "well, _legally_ I wasn't cheating" and she's supposed to just get over it or welcome him home with open arms? Sexting might not have gone as far as a PA and it might not sound as bad to an outsider, but to the betrayed... it feels just as bad.


Boy are you twisting what I said. No where did not I say anything that you are suggesting.

I've stated my points in other posts. In any situation a person who is involved should know what the truth is. If his wife is cheating, there's a good possibility that she has been cheating for a while now. He was wrong in what he did . But he has ever rigth to know the full truth of the situation as she does. Two wrongs do not make a right.

She is not supposed to get over anything. If she wants to end her marriage because of what he did, that's her choice.

My point is that she is being foolish cheating because legally it can be used against her.



bobert said:


> So the second her husband was caught, at their mutual workplace, and fired she should have jumped on the reconciliation wagon? He didn't confess... he was caught, and he would have kept going if he wasn't caught. She knows that. Was he sexting the OW while at home with his wife? During their time together, during their family moments? She knows that too. Was lack of opportunity the only thing stopping this from becoming a PA? She's wondering that.


Again stop twisting what I said. Nowhere have i suggested that she should jump on on the "reconciliation wagon".



bobert said:


> She started counseling with him, yeah it didn't last but she did try. If the marriage was already **** then this could very well have been the final straw. Why fix something that's so broken you don't really want it anyway? It doesn't mean she was cheating first.


You don't know if she tried. Going to a few counseling sessions does not automatically mean she tried. If she was already involved in an affair while he was, then it's very likely that she did not try.

No it does not mean that she was not already cheating. But it also does not mean that she was not already cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> Oh So now we're down to defining what adultery is legally? What about the woman whose husband sexted thinks it is?
> 
> And the 365 days a year was taking a bit of poetic license. Come on.
> 
> I'm normally very quiet about double standards here, but this one takes the cake. I'm out.


It's not double standards, not on my part anyway. If you look back at my posts on this topic, I have always stated that revenge affairs are a very bad idea.

But the fact is that we don't know when she started her affair.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know that TAM doesn’t get as many BWs to allow for some to rally around and support a woman but making the OP out to be equally guilty in this situation and blindly taking taking his WW side is some serious white knighting. 

I’m not even sure the OP‘s Texting his much older Coworker even reaches the level of being an EA. But defending and down playing what she’s doing is not fair or objective. besides it is this guy who is here for our help and guidance. I know it’s fun to wield the 2x4s but come on now, let’s not chase off people who really need guidance.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jsmart said:


> I know that TAM doesn’t get as many BWs to allow for some to rally around and support a woman but making the OP out to be equally guilty in this situation and blindly taking taking his WW side is some serious white knighting.
> 
> I’m not even sure the OP‘s Texting his much older Coworker even reaches the level of being an EA. But defending and down playing what she’s doing is not fair or objective. besides it is this guy who is here for our help and guidance. I know it’s fun to wield the 2x4s but come on now, let’s not chase off people who really need guidance.


Dude, you need to reread what he posted. 

He was "sexting, talking dirty", talking dirty, it was an EA and that is IF he was not screwing her.

He is not equally guilty, he is completely and totally guilty for all of it. 

What are you even talking about...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> Dude, you need to reread what he posted.
> 
> He was "sexting, talking dirty", talking dirty, it was an EA and that is IF he was not screwing her.
> 
> ...


Then you must also read that he was not attracted to her in any way, there were no pics exchanged and no meet ups. He was fired for horsing around on company time. He allowed the texts to be shown to his wife (he didnt have to) to show her what was said. She "agrees" to go to a couple of "marriage counselling" sessions and then kicks him out and goes to visit her boyfriend. Some emotional affair he was having!?! And we have no idea what the older woman's husband thinks of any of this!

And by the way a lot of us "talk dirty" in our everyday colloquial speech - it doesn't mean wew want to bang everyone we talk to!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Then you must also read that he was not attracted to her in any way, there were no pics exchanged and no meet ups. He was fired for horsing around on company time. He allowed the texts to be shown to his wife (he didnt have to) to show her what was said. She "agrees" to go to a couple of "marriage counselling" sessions and then kicks him out and goes to visit her boyfriend. Some emotional affair he was having!?! And we have no idea what the older woman's husband thinks of any of this!
> 
> And by the way a lot of us "talk dirty" in our everyday colloquial speech - it doesn't mean wew want to bang everyone we talk to!


Guys, look I think you are losing it. 

He was a married man, the was texting and talking dirty to a female co worker. He says he was not attracted to her. 

Look, if this was a wayward wife, people would not believe a word that she said. 

Why do we believe him. And even if everything he said is the gospel truth, he was still rugs weeping and acting entitled. AND HE GOT FIRED... 

Come on guys, let's try to be fair and unbiased if at all possible. 

The end of his marriage is his fault totally and completely. 

When exactly his wife started banging the new guy is immaterial because it happened AFTER HIS YEAR LONG TEXTING AFFAIR. 

I cannot believe where you guys are going with this. 

If you want to help op tell him to grow up and stop being an entitled twit...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some of the guys are too invested in trying to find fault with his wife in order to make him feel better for being dumped for such an insignificant and trifling matter. Maybe they can reach out to his employer and get his job back for him because, ya know, they overreacted as well.

Maybe, something is weighing on their conscience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BluesPower said:


> When exactly his wife started banging the new guy is immaterial because it happened AFTER HIS YEAR LONG TEXTING AFFAIR.


Not even if it turns out that her affair started long before she found out what he was doing? You do not know when her affair started.



BluesPower said:


> If you want to help op tell him to grow up and stop being an entitled twit...


Since when is it ok to name call on TAM? This guy came here for help. He was asking how to save his marriage. Asking that question is not being an "entitled twit". Instead the posters on this thread drove him off TAM with name calling and attacks.


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

Hello all I wanted to get back in on this. Im still not living at home.Things are weird right now and I'm just lost, tired(mentally and physically ). My wife , 2 weeks ago,, has said that its done, between her and the other guy but her reason was strange, it was because they have too much going on right now!? He has a son in the hospital and my wife has our issues plus her mother is sick. So I'm not sure how to take that. If it's done, shouldn't it be because she's still married?
2 weekends ago she said she was going out with girlfriends, i found out she spent the night at the other guys house, again. She swears they haven't had sex, but i find that hard to believe. When I ask she gets angry. 
The day after this our family went school shopping and had a good day, no arguing, we got along well. On the drive home she was holding my hand and when we got home we hugged alot, she kissed my neck but apologized. Our son saw us and gave us both a big hug. This weekend she text me to bring pizza over and have dinner with them. 
While this seems like a step in the right direction, it still feels strange. I want to hug and kiss and touch her but it seems like she doesn't want that. To me it feels like she's upset about not being with the other guy and if she did anythung with me she would feel like she's cheating on him.
3 weeks ago we talked about dissolution or divorce, we both want the house, so that means divorce. She has offered not to touch my retirement if I let her keep the house, if we get a dissolution. But all that was before we spent time together. 
2 days ago she said she was skipping her therapy to go out with friends this week, i asked if it was to go out with friends or to see the other guy, of course she got mad and told me again that it was done with him. She said she tired of arguing with everyone and needs to make herself happy before making anyone else happy, which I agree. Its been 6 months since this all started, while I feel i have made great strides in my personal development, she seems to has not. 
Should i give her an ultimatum? I was thinking to tell her we either work on us, go to marriage counseling (she can still go to her as well and i go to mine) for 3 months orr we just


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

Sorry website locked up before I was done.

We can to the therapy and stay with it, but we must start with no lies and being open. She needs to confess if she has slept or done anything sexual with the other man. If she doesn't want to do that then I give her the dissolution she wants and walk away. 
Yesterday I did offer to give her the dissolution she wanted because she saud she was tired as well( this was dine through text) she never replied to it. I feel if she truly wanted out she would have filed or approached me with some kind of dissolution offer. Why hasn't she? She keeps telling me to wirk on myself and continue my therapy, which i am. I feel like a different person a better person. Maybe I don't deserve her, maybe what I did cannot be forgiveness but if so why is she playing these games with me( maybe not games but it seems she gives me just enough hope to keep hanging on) she isn't telling me how she feels about me at all. Does she hate me, want to be with me,? 
Thanks for all the comments, some helpful some rude(I probably deserve em). I feel 20 years together, with ups and downs and a child deserves a true 110% try to fix and mend. If we do that and it doesn't work then I can let go, and move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude...you should get your self respect back. You are acting like a pathetic chump. She have been ****ing other dudes and you want to take her back? where's your self respect? the moment she let another guy **** her that should have been the end of the marriage. You would be divorcing her not your child. Better two happy homes than a miserable one. You are are acting cowardly, in fear, unable to see the tree from the forest. You are desperately hanging by a straw waiting for your wife to take you back; that's pathetic. YOU take charge of your life, YOU should be deciding your future, instead you keep flagellating yourself with the ******** excuse that it's all your fault. DUDE..enough of that crap already.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you are so being played and you can't even see it, rather than call her bluff you just make comments...you should be exposing this affair and that is what it is.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife has spent numerous nights with OM and claims they have not had sex.............and you believe that???????? She had sex with him the very first time she went there and has done so multiple times. Since she immediately claimed she had not been happy for a long time prior to your being caught texting the OW, then her affair with the OM started long ago as well. If she claims she is done with him, odds are she talked to a lawyer and was told that she is committing adultery and that could be used against her in the divorce so she has backed off for now.

Her game plan now is to cool it with the OM until the divorce papers are signed. If she still works with him she is still in the affair. Move on. Have you consulted an attorney yet?


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## Fatherofoneson (Jul 29, 2020)

We have both talked to attorneys, where we live is no fault divorce so adultery has no bering on anything. Yes were married but we are seperated. What she did is wrong just like what I did was wrong. I suppose I KNOW what i need to do, its just so hard to do it. I dont want to lose my house or half my retirement. While this isn't all about material things I don't want to end up with nothing. Its just so strange that 20 years with someone can end. Im sure many people go on and have great lifes and 2nd marriages but that is so hard to picture. Its hard to explain it all, the past we have, the things we've done and been through. So to just give up on it, some of you people make it seem so easy and part of me feels sad for you. My situation and therapy has really opened my mind and heart to things. I/we didn't really try at our marriage, and now I want to do that. We were both unhappy at times but we never explored why and tried to fix it, now we can, if she's willing. I know you think I have no self respect and I admit, I didnt used to or respect for anyone else for that matter. I know my life can be good without her but I can see a life thats great with her. They say love is blind and right now I'm still in love with my wife so I can't see anything.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Fatherofoneson said:


> We have both talked to attorneys, where we live is no fault divorce so adultery has no bering on anything. Yes were married but we are seperated. What she did is wrong just like what I did was wrong. I suppose I KNOW what i need to do, its just so hard to do it. I dont want to lose my house or half my retirement. While this isn't all about material things I don't want to end up with nothing. Its just so strange that 20 years with someone can end. Im sure many people go on and have great lifes and 2nd marriages but that is so hard to picture. Its hard to explain it all, the past we have, the things we've done and been through. So to just give up on it, some of you people make it seem so easy and part of me feels sad for you. My situation and therapy has really opened my mind and heart to things. I/we didn't really try at our marriage, and now I want to do that. We were both unhappy at times but we never explored why and tried to fix it, now we can, if she's willing. I know you think I have no self respect and I admit, I didnt used to or respect for anyone else for that matter. I know my life can be good without her but I can see a life thats great with her. They say love is blind and right now I'm still in love with my wife so I can't see anything.


Fine let's play with what you have to work with than, then i propose that you tell your wife if she wants to continue seeing him, because she is, than propose an open marriage, because she is not going to stop you should start seeing someone...and tell her why should she be the only one to have sex with someone else. I guarantee she would not like it but it will make her possibly rethink what she is doing. right now you have no control of the situation


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I really believe she was cheating as well. Her comment about not being happy for a while is one reason. The other is this, all he did was to text the OW. *There was no emotional or physical affair.*





She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. Oh ye of little faith. Some of us roll _exactly _like that if we're angry enough.
> 
> I never share personal business here on TAM but I'm going to do so, in this case. 😁
> 
> ...


damn, that’s rough.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, everything we know is coming from the OP. But that's all we have to go on. However, we don't have to worry about that now because I doubt the OP will be back. 'So we will not be able to ask for more info. Too bad he was driven off because with a kinder approach he might have received the type of support that would have helped him.
> 
> The fact is that we women are not of one hive mind. Each of us behaves in a manner consistent with our character. A lot of women would end up wanting to try to fix their marriage even after finding out that their husband did something wrong. Something like 85% of all marriages in which there is infidelity end up reconciling. Sexting is bad but it is no where near as bad as having actual sex with a live human with two bodies.
> 
> What he did is not legally adultery. If she is cheating and actually having sex with another man, that's legally adultery. If his wife is cheating, he will be able to use fault to influence the division of property and alimony. Even many no-fault divorce states still let adultery to be used in determining these aspects of the divorce. Sexting is not legally considered adultery. Having actual sex with someone else is legally adultery.


I disagree that it is nowhere near as bad as actual sex. The results are often the same.
I don’t believe the OP that this was joking. Apparently the older lady receiving them didn’t either, because the boss found out and fired him.
The older lady wasn’t. 
20 yrs older? Doesn’t make sense either....none of this does. I don’t think this is salvageable because his wife is quite clearly checked out. Maybe after her bf gets done using her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Fatherofoneson said:


> We have both talked to attorneys, where we live is no fault divorce so adultery has no bering on anything. Yes were married but we are seperated. What she did is wrong just like what I did was wrong. I suppose I KNOW what i need to do, its just so hard to do it. I dont want to lose my house or half my retirement. While this isn't all about material things I don't want to end up with nothing. Its just so strange that 20 years with someone can end. Im sure many people go on and have great lifes and 2nd marriages but that is so hard to picture. Its hard to explain it all, the past we have, the things we've done and been through. So to just give up on it, some of you people make it seem so easy and part of me feels sad for you. My situation and therapy has really opened my mind and heart to things. I/we didn't really try at our marriage, and now I want to do that. We were both unhappy at times but we never explored why and tried to fix it, now we can, if she's willing. I know you think I have no self respect and I admit, I didnt used to or respect for anyone else for that matter. I know my life can be good without her but I can see a life thats great with her. They say love is blind and right now I'm still in love with my wife so I can't see anything.


The thing is that she is still seeing him and even spending the night with him, and until she stops completely there is no hope for the marriage to work.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that she is still seeing him and even spending the night with him, and until she stops completely there is no hope for the marriage to work.


Yes but he believe, because she told him, that they are not having sex.

How can you help somebody that is that Naïve????


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Fatherofoneson said:


> We have both talked to attorneys, where we live is no fault divorce so adultery has no bering on anything. Yes were married but we are seperated. What she did is wrong just like what I did was wrong. I suppose I KNOW what i need to do, its just so hard to do it. I dont want to lose my house or half my retirement. While this isn't all about material things I don't want to end up with nothing. Its just so strange that 20 years with someone can end. Im sure many people go on and have great lifes and 2nd marriages but that is so hard to picture. Its hard to explain it all, the past we have, the things we've done and been through. So to just give up on it, some of you people make it seem so easy and part of me feels sad for you. My situation and therapy has really opened my mind and heart to things. I/we didn't really try at our marriage, and now I want to do that. We were both unhappy at times but we never explored why and tried to fix it, now we can, if she's willing. I know you think I have no self respect and I admit, I didnt used to or respect for anyone else for that matter. I know my life can be good without her but I can see a life thats great with her. They say love is blind and right now I'm still in love with my wife so I can't see anything.


Half your retirement from where? I thought if you get fired, they don’t match your money you put in.... how much retirement are we talking?
The only person who can help you is an attorney.
Your wife is not into you anymore, and is only throwing you crumbs so you’ll stay in puppy mode.
I don’t believe you were “joking” because anyone knows one doesn’t joke about sex with a married woman.

if you keep chasing your wife, you have zero chance. Allow her to come to you...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Half your retirement from where? I thought if you get fired, they don’t match your money you put in.... how much retirement are we talking?
> The only person who can help you is an attorney.
> Your wife is not into you anymore, and is only throwing you crumbs so you’ll stay in puppy mode.
> I don’t believe you were “joking” because anyone knows one doesn’t joke about sex with a married woman.
> ...


Come on, he basically has zero chance... All he can do is divorce with some dignity and move on...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Again, I will state the facts as you have stated them:

You work in a company where you and this other older married woman are colleagues.

You are friends but you do not find her attractive in any way.

You start exchanging naughty GIFs with her which are both lewd I guess. This goes on over a period of 1 year.

You get caught and fired at work but the other woman does not.

You do not have to but you allow the company to show what you texted to your wife so that she could see the real content and not imagine stuff.

In the meantime your wife has been saying that things are not great in the marriage.

As soon as she gets this, she understandably kicks up a fuss, throws you out and you accept that it was wrong and apologise.

She decides she wants to try and work on the marriage, takes you back in but very soon after quits and throws you out again.

You try to return to your home which is your right, but she physically attacks you and you decide you do not want your kid to see this, so you stay out.

As soon as she throws you out again (after a very short period of trying), she immediately (yes immediately for those who seem to question this) starts going over to her boyfriend's house and starts spending nights there too.

She tells you that they haven't been screwing and gets angry when you ask (incredible, I know!) She expects you to believe this (probably because she thinks you also believe that there really is a Santa Claus).

She is considering keeping you on for support or until she gets the house and feeds you some line about it being over between her and the boyfriend (implying that there was some thing before).

Incredibly, she quotes the reason for breaking up as being the timing just is not right yet for both of them and doesn't seem to think that this is beyond disrespectful and ingenuine.

She then still goes over to his house to spend the night but not screw, so she says.

And a great number of people here think that I am applying some kind of double standard here ?!?!?!?

By the way, a great number of people that I know over a long career have exchanged naughty gifs, pictures, jokes and do this in a titillating way but have no intention of having sex with the people they exchange these with.

So .... I think that you have been too accepting of fault here and had better start protecting yourself and get back into your house ASAP!


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Your wife thought the marriage was over, so she didn't care if she started fooling around. You thought the marriage was ongoing, but you screwed around. Big difference. Your statements are full of minimizations. Your statement that you both have to be honest is hypocritical. Now that it benefits you, you should both be honest. But you lied and hid your actions when lying and hiding benefitted you. Your wife is confused. Not as much as you, but confused nonetheless. One day she feels one thing, the next, another. That's because she never wanted to leave the marriage until you put a fork in it. You can keep your narrative together if you want, but I'm pretty sure it will hurt your goal rather than help it. Every time you open your mouth with those things to your wife you hurt your chances of saving that marriage.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why should she confess to sex when you didn't confess to sex?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OutofRetirement said:


> Why


Are you sure you're in the right thread? He has not cheated. He was exchanging dirty bartering with a coworker, that's a far cry to his wife's sexual affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you serious????

It takes two people to fix a relationship, your cheating wife is just stringing you along until the OM’s son is better. Then she will see if he is still interested in her. (No way she spent the night with him twice without having sex)

Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Go after her for kicking you out of the house. She the best lawyer you can find. One that is willing to fight for you, not one that just goes through the motions.

Get 50/50 custody of your kids.

Pull your head out of the sand. She is ****ing the OM.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, a woman doesn’t spend the night with a man repeatedly without having sex with him. You don’t need to ask. She’s screwing him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fatherofoneson said:


> Sorry website locked up before I was done.
> 
> We can to the therapy and stay with it, but we must start with no lies and being open. She needs to confess if she has slept or done anything sexual with the other man. If she doesn't want to do that then I give her the dissolution she wants and walk away.
> Yesterday I did offer to give her the dissolution she wanted because she saud she was tired as well( this was dine through text) she never replied to it. I feel if she truly wanted out she would have filed or approached me with some kind of dissolution offer. Why hasn't she? She keeps telling me to wirk on myself and continue my therapy, which i am. I feel like a different person a better person. Maybe I don't deserve her, maybe what I did cannot be forgiveness but if so why is she playing these games with me( maybe not games but it seems she gives me just enough hope to keep hanging on) she isn't telling me how she feels about me at all. Does she hate me, want to be with me,?
> Thanks for all the comments, some helpful some rude(I probably deserve em). I feel 20 years together, with ups and downs and a child deserves a true 110% try to fix and mend. If we do that and it doesn't work then I can let go, and move on.


i'm sorry but you are like a bull been led to the slaughter by your WW. She has sex with this OM and lots of it. She is a typical cheater wanting to have her cake and eat it while you bend over backwards to be accomodating because of the mess you made. No woman respects weakness and you are being weak here. She is walking all over you like a doormat cause you are too scared to show her that you will not be treated like something from the bottom of a shoe. Please, man up for goodness sake.
See a lawyer, tell all friends and family what she is doing, expose the OM also. Tell WW, there is the door, please leave. File for divorce, it can always be retracted later but she needs to see strength and boundaries and you have none, there have been no consequences, nothing, please stop being a fool!
You put a bomb in the marriage by sexting another woman for a year and getting kicked out of your job for all to see and know, including your wife. Your marriage is toast, now move along. You should have thought about your marriage, retirement, finances, etc when you were sexting the OW. Now move along gracefully, get a divorce and do the best for your kid. Your wife doesn't want you back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> I think if you reread my post you’ll see I’m not picking on the chick. I’m tell him his wife lost interest in him. Unless you’re telling me the women on this site are saying it’s standard for women to go to another mans house three days and times thereafter, what I’m saying is far from BS. I submit most would be devastated finding out their husband get fired for his diddling. They,d have to regain their wits before regular trips to another mans house. Tell me I’m wrong. Would you summarily bang another guy if your SO “sext” another woman?


Yes, agree the operative word being "most" women here. But not 'all" women, there will be exceptions and this is one of them. Maybe she wants revenge for the humiliation of all her colleagues knowing what her husband did and getting fired for it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Then you must also read that he was not attracted to her in any way, there were no pics exchanged and no meet ups. He was fired for horsing around on company time. He allowed the texts to be shown to his wife (he didnt have to) to show her what was said. She "agrees" to go to a couple of "marriage counselling" sessions and then kicks him out and goes to visit her boyfriend. Some emotional affair he was having!?! And we have no idea what the older woman's husband thinks of any of this!
> 
> And by the way a lot of us "talk dirty" in our everyday colloquial speech - it doesn't mean wew want to bang everyone we talk to!


Seriously? I respect most of your comments but this one takes the biscuit. "He was not attracted to her in any way" is akin to a cheater telling his wife when he slept with another woman "honey it meant nothing." This is simply splitting hairs. From a wife's perspective, he might as well have slept with her, it went on for a whole year? Men often affair down, so it is irrelevant that she was ugly, unattractive, etc. He was obviously getting and giving something to this OW that should have been for his marriage, he has more or less said so himself. I agree two wrongs do not make a right. But too many on here are quick to equate his actions with hers and minimize his.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP could you share what kind of GIFs you were sending to this older female colleague at work? Would you say it was sexting ?

In your opening post you said it was naughty texts but no pictures. Then you said it included GIFs which I assume were animated and comical in nature. 

If this is true then for this to be taken seriously enough to warrant divorce and sleeping with another man is ridiculous. I cannot see how this is being called any kind of affair ?!?!?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Are you sure you're in the right thread? He has not cheated. He was exchanging dirty bartering with a coworker, that's a far cry to his wife's sexual affair.


That is called cheating. Whether "he was joking" or not, whether he was serious or not, it does not matter. He says that is as far as it went, well, Ok, whatever. 

Problem is his wife does not think it was "not cheating". End of story. 

You my be really woke, and would be ok with your wife dirty texting another man, but his wife was not. 

And hey, big surprise, lots and lots of people are not ok with it. 

Get real...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> That is called cheating. Whether "he was joking" or not, whether he was serious or not, it does not matter. He says that is as far as it went, well, Ok, whatever.
> 
> Problem is his wife does not think it was "not cheating". End of story.
> 
> ...


Blues: you are putting words in my mouth that I never say. I never say that what he was doing was OK. No, it was inappropriate, specially in a work setting using company media of communication, and I would never be OK with my wife or I doing that type of bartering .I find it vulgar. 

No matter what you say, that is not cheating, it is inappropriate behavior, but not cheating. This type of behavior, if left unchecked, eventually might develop into something else. So, many people do it nonchalantly, because that's all it is to them "bartering" as a way to kid around. If you feel that that is cheating, that's your prerogative, but it shows that you must carry a big chip on your psyche due to past bad previous experiences with women, but that is you, and some of the people that participate in these forum due to their past bad experiences. rest assure the for many people that's all it is "bartering", inappropriate, but just that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> if you keep chasing your wife, you have zero chance. Allow her to come to you...


Why on earth would ANYONE take back someone this disrespectful?

Find your pride and go see a divorce attorney. Jesus.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Blues: you are putting words in my mouth that I never say. I never say that what he was doing was OK. No, it was inappropriate, specially in a work setting using company media of communication, and I would never be OK with my wife or I doing that type of bartering .I find it vulgar.
> 
> No matter what you say, that is not cheating, it is inappropriate behavior, but not cheating. This type of behavior, if left unchecked, eventually might develop into something else. So, many people do it nonchalantly, because that's all it is to them "bartering" as a way to kid around. If you feel that that is cheating, that's your prerogative, but it shows that you must carry a big chip on your psyche due to past bad previous experiences with women, but that is you, and some of the people that participate in these forum due to their past bad experiences. rest assure the for many people that's all it is "bartering", inappropriate, but just that.


I and others completely disagree that it is cheating, and you are welcome to believe what you want. 

I believe that the majority of people would disagree with you, as I do...

OP broke this relationship, his wife is screwing someone else he needs to move on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Blues: you are putting words in my mouth that I never say. I never say that what he was doing was OK. No, it was inappropriate, specially in a work setting using company media of communication, and I would never be OK with my wife or I doing that type of *bartering *.I find it vulgar.
> 
> No matter what you say, that is not cheating, it is inappropriate behavior, but not cheating. This type of behavior, if left unchecked, eventually might develop into something else. So, many people do it nonchalantly, because that's all it is to them *"bartering"* as a way to kid around. If you feel that that is cheating, that's your prerogative, but it shows that you must carry a big chip on your psyche due to past bad previous experiences with women, but that is you, and some of the people that participate in these forum due to their past bad experiences. rest assure the for many people that's all it is *"bartering"*, inappropriate, but just that.


Just what was he "bartering" for? Are you sure you're not looking for the word 'bantering'?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Just what was he "bartering" for? Are you sure you're not looking for the word 'bantering'?


Yes. You are right "Bantering" is the correct word. didn't realize i was using the wrong word over and over. Thanks!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on earth would ANYONE take back someone this disrespectful?
> 
> Find your pride and go see a divorce attorney. Jesus.


I agree, BUT, theOP thinks he wants her back and is asking for advice.
I believe he has stupidly given her a reason to leave. I also agree with others that were she a happily married woman who was hit with news of his idiotic (at the very least) betrayal, she wouldn’t immediately fly into the arms of another man, she’d be crushed and want no part of any man. I do think his marriage is doomed because it was messed up before this happened. I have a feeling she will come back if he will back off, but not until the OM gets his fill of sex with his wife— he may already have. Either her attorney advised her not to see other men or he’s lost interest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP could you share what kind of GIFs you were sending to this older female colleague at work? Would you say it was sexting ?
> 
> In your opening post you said it was naughty texts but no pictures. Then you said it included GIFs which I assume were animated and comical in nature.
> 
> If this is true then for this to be taken seriously enough to warrant divorce and sleeping with another man is ridiculous. I cannot see how this is being called any kind of affair ?!?!?


so why would be get fired from a job for simply sending texts to a colleague? hmmmm


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Blues: you are putting words in my mouth that I never say. I never say that what he was doing was OK. No, it was inappropriate, specially in a work setting using company media of communication, and I would never be OK with my wife or I doing that type of bartering .I find it vulgar.
> 
> No matter what you say, that is not cheating, it is inappropriate behavior, but not cheating. This type of behavior, if left unchecked, eventually might develop into something else. So, many people do it nonchalantly, because that's all it is to them "bartering" as a way to kid around. If you feel that that is cheating, that's your prerogative, but it shows that you must carry a big chip on your psyche due to past bad previous experiences with women, but that is you, and some of the people that participate in these forum due to their past bad experiences. rest assure the for many people that's all it is "bartering", inappropriate, but just that.


Rob, come on, inappropriate texting for a day or two ok but for over a year, an offense for which he was fired from his job. She worked in the same company, can you imagine the fall out, the humiliation, of learning about this and the people snickering behind your back every day, making jokes, etc. It is not a simple matter of 'bantering", and I for one don't believe that for that period of time it never escalated. He was getting something out of it and it sure as hell wasn't pics of fluffy teddy bears and flowers.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@aine: I don't disagree at all with your statements. My whole point is that what he was doing does not constitute cheating as in he was having an affair (emotional/physical) with the older lady. They both were just utterly irresponsible and inappropriate, and he payed for it. That's why he didn't have a problem with the company showing his wife the texting. What it seems here is that there were more serious problem between these two, and the wife took the opportunity right away. like I said, so many people do this on a daily basis with company communication media and they just pay when they get caught/audited. This type of bantering is ground for dismissal for most companies.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> @aine: I don't disagree at all with your statements. My whole point is that what he was doing does not constitute cheating as in he was having an affair (emotional/physical) with the older lady. They both were just utterly irresponsible and inappropriate, and he payed for it. That's why he didn't have a problem with the company showing his wife the texting. What it seems here is that there were more serious problem between these two, and the wife took the opportunity right away. like I said, so many people do this on a daily basis with company communication media and they just pay when they get caught/audited. This type of bantering is ground for dismissal for most companies.


Rob, I don't think that anyone is going to agree with you. I know you are going to try and convince us... 

An affair, is an affair. 

If he was not sexting her, and instead was just banging her in the broom closet, and they never ever even talked to each other, would that be an affair???? 

Dude, he as having an affair. And no one believes that he was not sleeping with her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

aine said:


> so why would be get fired from a job for simply sending texts to a colleague? hmmmm


They weren't just texts - they were naughty GIFs. Seen it a million times in the many companies I have worked in. In many of these companies one could get fired simply for goofing around on company time. This is primarily why this happened - companies couldn't give a hoot if someone was romantically interested in another - they just react badly to wasting company time and resources and wasting the time of other employees too.

Look I am not saying what he did was OK but nowhere near as bad as many here seem to think it was. The only reason I asked for what he sent was to confirm to myself that it was what I suspect it was.

As others have said this has been building up over time and his wife had one foot out the door anyway. This was just something to pin her flag to. 

And maybe it should be over but I think he deserves the truth since he is really beating himself up about this and has come here for help.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Regardless of who cheated when, this relationship is not salvageable. You need to talk to an attorney and work on coparenting your son.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. Oh ye of little faith. Some of us roll _exactly _like that if we're angry enough.
> 
> I never share personal business here on TAM but I'm going to do so, in this case. 😁
> 
> ...


Thank you.

A whole world has opened up before my eyes......with this.

I knew you were angry with, and at men.

There is, are reasons, and reasoning, for everything.

Some reasons are flimsy, certain are bogus, but bogus has roots....somewhere, likely shallow, those.

I _forgive _you, I _apologize_ for any, my wrong thinking. Two words with one stone, downed.



_THRD-_


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