# EX is being abused by live-in BF. What to do?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorced 9 months. I have primary custody. My EX moved from Texas to Minnesota to find greener pastures.

My EX came down during Spring Break and informed me that her live-in BF (I think he's an EX now?) had physically hit her across her head back on New Years Eve. Our kids and his kids were downstairs and did not see this. My EX turns around the next day and takes her and the kids to a hotel for the last 4 days during their visitation (it's true). She was scared to tell me at the time because of what I'd do. And this is one reason why the kids did not visit her during Spring Break.

He's also verbally abusive to her. That's all she shared. Don't know how many times he has hit her.

The BF has been out of a job since October and has a history of alcohol abuse. Not that it excuses his behavior.
The BF also has a short fuse can explodes very easily.

So, my EX had moved in with this BF when I decided to file for "D". They have been leasing a home since last May. So she's finally getting her own place (in the same neighborhood) in a few weeks. She stated the BF wants to move in with her. She said she won't allow it, but also commented that she worries for his 2 girls and that is one reason why she has stayed around for so long. Plus, she commented that moving in together was a good idea in her eyes and she just doesn't know where it went wrong.
Why is she still living with this guy?!? I would have been out of there the next day! 
But she did admit she doesn't want this guy around our young kids.
Don't worry. If this guy is living with her, my kids aren't visiting and she can try and take me to court on it.
She also shared this with her dad back in February apparently.

So here's my little problem. I am very close/ good relationship with her brother. He doesn't know about this. I'm very torn on this because on one hand, it shouldn't be my business to tell him. However, the fact that I do know puts me on a spot that if/when he finds out he'll be pissed that I did not tell him. 

What do I do? SHould I tell him? Or should I not? And if I don't and he finds out, how should I tell him why I decided not to say anything?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would do a couple of things here: 

1. I'd be documenting this information as it comes up. Keep a journal with the dates when she tells you stuff, what she said happened, and other relevant details about where your kids were, etc. Do the same for things they tell you. "Jan 8, 2013: Little Johnny told me that EX took them to a motel for four days. Jan 12, 2013: EX stated to me that ********* struck her on back of head while children were downstairs." This will prove helpful if you ever have to go to court to limit access between your kids and her. Even if you don't think you'll ever have to use it, it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Include notes about others who have information, such as your former FIL, so that they would be contacted if there was ever a question of the kids' safety, too.

2. As far as her brother... I'd either tell her that I'm worried and want to discuss it with him to make sure she's protected if possible, or else I'd tell him that you're worried about the kids going to her house and let him know he should ask his sister why.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is the mother of your children. Yes, it is your business.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the brother.

She is your ex. You no longer keep her secrets.

She definitely affaired down didn't she? I know this is the guy she first chested on, but he's the posOM up in MN that she kept running to when you tried R?

It's disturbing because she's almost putting more effort into this guys kids than her own. She abandoned her own kids with you when she ran off to be single in MN after her first affair.

I'd tell the BIL. You may want to talk to your attorney too because even if she moves down the street alone, if he is her life the he's around your kids.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I know Shaggy. The effort that seems to be on display towards protecting his kids pisses me off. She isn't worried about how I treat our kids, obviously. But the lack of being an available mother to our kids compared to the BFs is disappointing to say the least.
I will tell my EX that if she hasn't said anything to her brother, I will. This may present a problem with her being open/honest with me in the future. But I'm willing to risk it because I feel it's the right thing to do. Integrity, right?!?
Kathy- I have already documented it. Don't worry. But thanks for the helpful advice. Ya never know.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, tell her brother.

It's unfortunate her choice will affect the time she has with her children, since they can't visit her, but it's her life.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

tell bro


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Houstondad:

*I'm going to DISAGREE with telling your ex-BIL.*

She's OBVIOUSLY NOT AFRAID of this POS.
Your ex-wife has already told you.
Your ex-wife has already told her father.
Your ex-wife is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of telling her brother IF SHE WANTS TO. Why should he risk a possible assault charge over a POS that she is moving out from in less than 8 weeks anyway?
She is OBVIOUSLY not fearful of him since she CONTINUES to live with him for 3 months (and another 1-2 upcoming) after he hit her in the head? 
She is planning to move into another house in HIS neighborhood; not RUNNING AWAY from him....right by in close proximity! Doesn't sound 'scared' to me!
I think she wanted to see if you'd 'white knight' for her! Don't!
If POS moves in with her, THEN you're right to cancel the summer vacation; just like the Spring Break.
If she continues to live with this man, and NOT call the police, and move into a NEW residence STILL IN *HIS* neighborhood, and intends to 'see' him, but not 'live' with him, then I don't believe she is afraid of him or his verbal abuse or his temper. I think she's shocked/surprised (but not physically HURT) by his hitting her. I think she's excusing it because of his drinking. 

I think she's WRONG to be involved with him, but I don't think she's FEARFUL. And short of removing a 'THREAT' to her, what was the point of telling you, or her dad, or would be the point in telling her brother? I can't think of any other than 'prove you love me/care about me'.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

There isn't anything you can do to help her. Her father already knows so no need to tell her brother. Even if she doesn't move in with him but continues to see him which it seems she will make it perfectly clear to her that your children are not to be around him ever and what the consequences will be if they are....losing access to her kids/supervised visitation!!

I honestly wouldn't trust her to abide by this or make the right decsions in regard to your children when she can't even make them for herself. Document everything because you very well may end up in court!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the last two posters...protect your kids, let your ex deal with her sh*t. Her father knows already. 

As you said, she might very well be looking to be rescued. Realizes that she made a mistake in running of with a loser, and now her best best to get her life back is sympathy. I'd let someone else rescue her, like her parents.

C


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> What do I do? SHould I tell him? Or should I not? And if I don't and he finds out, how should I tell him why I decided not to say anything?


I'd leave it be as long as my kids weren't exposed to him.

She finally just started accepting her part in the destruction of your marriage, has made a few statements that might lead to making co-parenting easier.

She told you in confidence.
Keep it that way or any progress you've made with her will go right down the tubes.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't said anything to my EX BIL. He's busy with school and he is planning to get married in Oct.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I was very concerned he'd get upset and go confront the POS BF and do something he'd regret later.
So I am leaning to not say anything. But it's tough. I hate secrets.

And the more I think about it, she must not be afraid of him. Isn't there a saying about the sorrow and company of others that are the same? I forget the saying. 
Anyways, I think sometimes I struggle with making the right decision. The last 3 years have been the most difficult in my life and much of this hasn't been as "black and white" as I would have liked for it to have been. But I am doing my best.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Honestly, she made her bed and invited him in. Based on what you've said about people around her knowing about what's going on, I'd stick to not involving her brother. Your energy is better spent looking out for your kids and making sure that they aren't harmed by her decision to remain in close contact with the guy.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

F the EX, concern yourself with kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

You should concern over your kids. She needs to press charges on the guy even if just to get it on the record.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tell your FIL that you also know and that you will leave any further work in this to his decisions. I would indicate that you are in lock down mode with the kids re visiting and why.

This lets him know that he MIGHT be able to call on you for support if he needs...something...and avoids BOTH of you sitting on your hands on this issue. He knows he is the one who will have to make some choices....and have the hard talks with his daughter.


She needs to swear out a complaint.


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