# Giving ex half of his life insurance?!



## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

I need to know if I'm overstepping my boundaries here. Any advice is appreciated. 

My husband and I are in the process of writing our wills (we just had a baby boy 8 months ago and figure now is the time). A question on the paper asks about life insurance and he says, "I guess half will go to our son and the other half to Kate (his ex wife). Right away I feel angered because my son has to split what I feel should belong to him. Then it occurs to me I wasn't even mentioned as a candidate! I say this and he says, "well, you and Nicholas (our son) will have other things, like my savings and whatever's in my penchant." 

I tell him I feel betrayed and hurt. That it's not even about the money but that he clearly still has loyalties to his ex. I would even understand if they had children together, but they did not. He says he feels guilty for having left her for me and he would feel better if he left her half his money. I told him guilt should not dictate a decision like that and his reply was, "I was married to her for 23 years. I've only KNOWN you for 4." That statement went right to the heart. I felt so insignificant. Then he says, "I don't know if I will ever overcome the guilt." 

With that said, I cried a lot and then told him I'm not sure if we should stay together if he can't and won't ever forgive himself for leaving her. It will plague the relationship (as it has many times already). I am so in love with this man, but it seems his priority is not to protect the family he has helped to create.

AM I WRONG??


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

In my eyes what he is doing is wrong, yes her was married to her for a long period of time, but he is NOW married to you, therfore what ever you and him create and set up is due to YOU upon his death and to your SON if you were to die.

It sounds as if you were the "other woman" that he left his wife for. Allthough that may not be the best situation if it is the case he still choose you over her. That needs to trump 23 years.

Stick to your guns and I agree with what you are saying, lets see what others have to say.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He's now married to you and you have a family. He is the one who did the wrong thing by her and now he's compounding that by doing wrong by you.

Yes he was married to her for 23 years and you two could well have 23 years plus ahead of you if he doesn't mess it up.

He shouldn't even be having contact with her let alone leaving her money.

That would be unforgiveable to me.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Seems like she would be notified or have to sign something and it would give her some sort of leverage. That being said, he is WITH you and building a family WITH you. Letting go of 23 years must be terribly difficult. Not picking sides, just my 2c.


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

Thank you so much for your replies so far. I feel so heartbroken. It's nice to know I'm not crazy. He made me feel selfish for feeling the way I do.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Hopeful444 said:


> Thank you so much for your replies so far. I feel so heartbroken. It's nice to know I'm not crazy. He made me feel selfish for feeling the way I do.


If they had kids and he had a policy in lieu of support they would no longer receive, I'd get that and sounds like you would too - but no kids? He's pretty hurtful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Did you have an affair with him and break up his marriage? If you did then you participated in the deception and humiliation of his wife. 

What he does to atone for his transgression is really up to him. It is not unusual for people who cheat and divorce to regret it and wish that they tried to work things out. 

I think the policy belongs to him and he can do as he wants with it. He was probably making payments during the 23 years they were married. 

If she worked, she contributed to the household finances that was part of their expenses. He is not legally required to give her 1/2 but he may feel morally compelled. 

You can also look at it this way, when you married him, you knew he was divorced and that his wife was part of his life for 23 yrs. His history and people from his past are part of him, it's a package deal, you take him and his past. 

You have him now, you have a son, he is supporting you and you have a future to look forward to with him. If he thinks you are selfish, he will not change his mind because a bunch of strangers think you are right. 

It may be advisable to go to MC so that you resolve this early on. Three things can happen here; he stays with his plan you resent him or you make him cancel the bequest and he resents you or you accept his right to be generous to a woman he was married to for 23 yrs. 

The best one to me is the last, you will not win with the first two.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

if he was cheating with you while he was married to his wife, (and please note I said *'IF'*), the way he is feeling and reacting now are a natural result of the guilt most people would carry around with them for commiting something that bad..if that is what happened here, then the situation your in is regrettable but its a situation you both created. I think his comment that he was married to her for 23 years and only known you for 4, shows he probably has alot of regret over what he did, he is acknowledging he was with her for a lifetime

if that's not what happened, and he met you after he had left her, then well, thats a totally different situation


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

Interesting. And helpful.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Are you in the US? If so, everything accrued up until the date of his marriage with you, IS NOT YOURS. THat means his policy, if it predated your marriage, has to be prorated. SHe was married to him for 23 years, and even if she was a SAHM, she contributed to the finances of the family in the eyes of the law.


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

Yes, I'm from and in the US. Life insurance goes to the named beneficiary. It has nothing to do with estate law. Not even a will can interfere.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am assuming that you are happy with the rest of the will. The bulk of his estate is going to you and the child. Maybe that is why he thinks you are greedy. You are profiting by all the money and property that he accrued over his entire working life well before he met you. I'll bet that 1/2 of the insurence is a very small percentage of his entire estate. 

If the above is true then you have to ask, why does this bother you so much? If you cheated with him and won him away from her isn't that enough. I would let this go if I were you. If you have already gained by your marriage, then relax and enjoy the spoils. 

If you appear too avaricious, he may think you don't love him but love his assets. If you persued him when he was married, you are a constant reminder of the pain he caused his wife who he obviously loved and still cares about. 

You really should admire a man who feels regret about causing pain and wants to atone. You have the advantage of love from a man with character and compassion. You are lucky so don't press it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thank you for renewing my faith 



Catherine602 said:


> Did you have an affair with him and break up his marriage? If you did then you participated in the deception and humiliation of his wife.
> 
> What he does to atone for his transgression is really up to him. It is not unusual for people who cheat and divorce to regret it and wish that they tried to work things out.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bravo Catherine. You took the words right out of my mouth. Enjoy the prize.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Hopeful444 said:


> Yes, I'm from and in the US. Life insurance goes to the named beneficiary. It has nothing to do with estate law. Not even a will can interfere.


Right, but it doesn't all have to go to one named beneficiary, and if he wants to give a portion to his ex he should. As I said, "prorate" for the amount of years she was with him.


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

Catherine,

That would be a marvelous bit of advice if he actually had a worthy estate. He has accrued very little over his lifetime- didn't even have a saving acct until he was with me and he's 46!) and I do make more than he does (which does not say much- we're both teachers). 

As far as the marriage he left, I did not pursue him. In fact, I tried to cut off all contact various times and he would actually cry and tell me I was denying the connection. He spent a long time convincing me he and I would have a perfect life and it was worth hurting his ex over. This is why I am so upset. At the time I gave up a relationship that could have gone somewhere for a man I believed would be able to move forward with me whole heartedly (because that is what he preached daily!) I suppose I feel deceived.


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

I guess Karma does exist...I just didn't want to affect my family as a unit and my son.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Hopeful444 said:


> I guess Karma does exist...I just didn't want to affect my family as a unit and my son.


Then why don't you just buy life insurance up to an amount that you feel is adequate for you and your son? That seems like the simplest solution....she gets half of this policy and you get half of this one and all of the other one. Or a different split of a higher amount on the same policy. Whichever.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Karma isn't punishment it's a call to treat others the way we ourselves would like to be treated. It takes viewing the world through the eyes of others with completely different experiences to our own. If you made the error of injuring someone, you may be able to see their experience from their point of view and feel their pain. Those feelings make you regret what you did, to atone, seek the forgiveness and never do an injury of that type again. 

You husband seems to be accepting the full weight of what he did to his wife and is atoning for it and seeking her forgiveness. That is a good thing for him,, it's his journey and you can support him if you wish. I think it would be a mistake to block his gift to his wife. 

You may not want the aftermath of an affair to touch your family but how can that be. An affair is the way your relationship started, you both made that choice. . The only way to have prevented the effects on your family would have been to insist he make a clean break with his wife before you would consent to a relationship with him. You elected not to do that so you are responsible for mitigating the effect on your child. I don't think his ex is responsible for how the relationship started, your husband's pangs of regret or any effect you think this is having on the child. 

He seems to need your support. As a loving selfless gesture, why not let him know that you are glad that he is making a generous gift and that you are happy that it makes him feel better. Find other ways to help him deal with the guilt. At this point, you don't want to be one of his problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

You do bring clarity from his side, so thank you for that. Unfortunately, the whole thing puts into perspective where I stand in his life. And I imagine this woman getting her new spouses life insurance (assuming she will marry again) and her old spouses life insurance and it just seems kind of like a middle finger in my face. I don't know where I'm going to go from here, but I do appreciate the feedback.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

if my spouse did this, i would tell her that leaving her ex was her choice so she needs to fully leave. if she insisted on supporting her ex this way, she should go back to him and do it right, with out me.
is he also supporting her now because of his guilt? i wouldnt doubt he might be helping her on the side now without his wifes knowledge if he feels this way.
where are his priorities?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hopeful - I keep posting not to brow beat you with moral scolding, I have done things to hurt others and I sincerely regret it. I see this situation more clearly because I am not living it and I want to help. Please take what I say in that spirit.

I don't agree that leaving his wife and having an affair is his problem only. When you became his partner, his problems are you problems. Besides, you had an affair with her husband and hurt her. You contributed to her problems. 

Have you lost a husband of 23 years who cheated and walked out, how would you feel? You may yet experience this. Some men who cheat and are successful may see it as a way of solving their marital problems. 

You seem to have a great deal of bitterness and hostility towards his ex. Does that make sense? You took something from her and devastated her life but she took nothing from you. Your failure to accept this will hurt you not her, you distance yourself from your husband. 

His is being compassionate and atoning for hurting her. That goes a long way towards setting things right and giving her solace and closure. That is the lest he can do for a woman who gave him 23 yrs. 

In a sense, it has nothing to do with you. It is something that he alone must decide to do. As for your place in his heart - why do you think you place is not primary? 

He is with you. This is something he must do to assuage his guilt and not because his ex is more important to him than you. He duty is more important than your unjustified anger towards his ex. 

If you support him in his mission you will endear yourself to him. Help him out of love, despite your feelings, he will regard you as his partner, friend and lover. 

Don't give up now. Isn't that the most important position in his life?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hopeful444 said:


> Catherine,
> 
> That would be a marvelous bit of advice if he actually had a worthy estate. He has accrued very little over his lifetime- didn't even have a saving acct until he was with me and he's 46!) and I do make more than he does (which does not say much- we're both teachers).
> 
> As far as the marriage he left, I did not pursue him. In fact, I tried to cut off all contact various times and he would actually cry and tell me I was denying the connection. He spent a long time convincing me he and I would have a perfect life and it was worth hurting his ex over. This is why I am so upset. At the time I gave up a relationship that could have gone somewhere for a man I believed would be able to move forward with me whole heartedly (because that is what he preached daily!) I suppose I feel deceived.


Gee, that sure sucks to be deceived by a married man who left a long-term marriage for you. And now he doesn't even have the decency to switch out the ex on his life insurance policy for you?

I can't tell you how much empathy I have for your plight.


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

@Mich- your sarcasm is helpful. Thanks so much. 

Catherine,

There is nothing I want more than to support him throughout everything and help him to get over the guilt he has for hurting his ex (who, by the way, I do genuinely like as a person and actually feels the same about me believe it or not!), but when the way he chooses to redeem himself comes at the direct expense of his current family, and more importantly, makes me question how truly ready he was to leave and why he convinced me to take a leap of faith with him only to not have leaped at all, I can't ignore the predicament in my heart. Furthermore, I do not believe that paying her off will resolve his guilt, and then I wonder what else he will feel obligated to do when he realizes this. 

With that said, because of your words, I have chosen to tell him, though I may not agree with his decision, I support it because I love him. I am not sure I would have been motivated to do that without your commitment to my issue...so thank you, Catherine


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

444,

thats true it may be the case that the life insurance policy wont be enough to atone for the guilt he feels-- someitmes in life, there are things that are so bad it really is difficult to impossible to 'make up' for them-- really, how can you make up for taking someones life away?

in a nutshell, the policy is really the very least he could do to in some way, make restitution for what he did but may very well still continue to have a large degree of guilt..its kind of like if I decide to drink and drive, and then seriously injure someone, and pay them money to help with their needs, I will still continue to feel alot of guilt for it...so I see your point

its an unfortunate situation you both created...he may have persuaded you to cheat with him, but you bear half the wrongdoing in it, in other words even though he tried to convince you to do something that was wrong, you could have opted to say 'sorry, I cant do that, its not right..if you decide to leave her one day, give me a call'-- and that would have avoided all of this

ive done things that are wrong too like everyone, sometimes though its the degree or nature of what it is, and its just something when we do it, there is a fall out on our lives-- from there all we can do is try to take the high road out of it, whatever that is...i think Catherine's advice to give him the go ahead with the policy is one of those ways you would be taking the high road..what you guys did in the past to her you cant go back and un-do it, all you can do is try to do the right thing at this point from now on


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Has it occurred to you that you, yourself, can take out an insurance policy on your husband?

Pretty simple.

He owes the mother of his children a lot, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful444 (Aug 2, 2011)

Mich, he doesn't have any children with her. We have one son together. If he had children with her, it would be a no brainer.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hopeful I am happy you will give it a try. I would also like to say that there is nothing wrong with expressing you true feelings while offering your support.. 

I have been married for 10 yrs and over those yrs there have been unhappy times when My husband and I did not understand each other. We are stronger than ever now because I made the effort to see things from my husbands point of view and he responded by seeing things the way I saw them. 

It opened our relationship up, I can tell him anything and I accept what he tells me even when it seems bazarro. I discovered that men think very differently from women by reading books and the threads on TAM. I try to see the world from his perspective. It takes just one person to understand and that changes the dynamic. 

In a way, your husband is atoning for you and him. It may be difficult to hear but you must atone too. Share you true feeling with your husband along with your support. I dont think it is a compitition between you and the ex. 

He may not do things exactly the way you want but he does what he must do. You got on board this ship so you have to be a good XO and ride out this storm to tranquil waters. Don't jump ship in the middle of a storm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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