# How was your spouse's affair discovered?



## Rugs

Was it a gut feeling?

Did someone outside your marriage tell you?

Did the AP contact you?

Just a small poll on how you discovered the affair(s)


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## Rugs

Oh, I'll start. I found a Lingerie receipt on the dresser while cleaning. I received no lingerie and was out of town on the date the lingerie was purchased.


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## PamJ

The first time I suspected an internet affair due to his beahvior and investigated.
The second time, 16 years later, was a fluke, I wasn't snooping, I was clueless, but found very explicit texts by accident.

The third time (I know...) was with the same OW as the 2nd and I was checking his phone from time to time until he got careless...


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## thesunwillcomeout

My gut. I could "see" it.

And then I cracked the emails and got the confirmation.


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## MrMathias

The girlfriend of my WW's affair partner told me I needed to see my wife's Facebook messages. It wasn't pretty and didn't reveal the full extent of what happened. 

I had a gut feeling months earlier, but didn't follow up after my wife told me I had nothing to worry about. 

OM's GF had a gut feeling and checked him out, and found out she was right. 

Four months later the FalseR was revealed because my WW spread her legs for OM at a former student's apartment, and that student blabbed to another former student- who told OM's exGF (that he was trying to get back together with!!!). 

So, POSOM's betrayed GF told me again, via text, on what would become DDay2. I have to admit I was pretty fvcking shocked.


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## honcho

She was acting much different than usual for about 3 weeks prior, going out for "girls night", helping a girlfriend with a problem, next day etc. Friends were asking me why her car was parked by his house. She said was working, she did home interior work. While the excuses seemed reasonable, it didn't fit together right. Ive also known the guy for 20+ years. I suspected, asked her about it, she went berserk and started deflecting blame all on to me for all sorts of issues I never knew existed.
Told me she was going to stay at her mothers, next day my best friends wife caught the two together in a jewelry store looking at rings, and stbxw ran out of store once seen. Then I got a hold of the phone records. Then the boytoy in this fiasco started bragging to all my friends how he conned another one into leaving her husband. That's his game.


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## Healer

WW ended the marriage, seemingly out of the blue. Never saw it coming. It was 4 days later, after it sank in, that I got it out of her and that she was leaving because the guilt was eating her alive. She had no intention of telling me the real reason.

I admit I was slow on the uptake. Looking back the writing was all over the damn wall. But when someone accuses you of cheating for 15 years and makes you swear up and down you'll never do it to them - if you're too trusting, as I was, you never think they're the ones doing that to you.

I was a blindly trusting fool. I know better now. It fundamentally changed who I am.


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## RWB

Suspected years before, no proof, even confronted time and time again, with no proof. I even remember following her around in the evening when she had to go out to "get something". I just couldn't believe after 25 years she would cheat on me. Sucker punch.

All the flags were there. Just never put it together, no, that not the truth, never could believe she could (denial). 

7pm Aug 5, 2009, my daughter in college (150 miles away) calls and I can hear my wife screaming, crying, pleading in the other room. I pick up the phone (landline) and in 5 seconds realize the truth of her betrayal. My world stopped.

My wife had been on FB at for weeks chatting and messaging from 5pm until 4am every night. My daughter saw this and who she was friending. She crashed her account and read the private messages. The weeks of emails detailed she had been serial cheating for years.


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## SadandAngry

Keylogger on the computer. I had no idea really, though the thought had crossed my mind once about a month before, but I didn't take myself seriously. I should have. About two weeks before I found out, she picked a fight, and the end result was an ultimatum for me to shape up or ship out, I had to choose. I chose to stay, to work on things. As a result I stated paying her more attention. I noticed she'd changed her fb password. I set up the browser to ask to save it, she of course declined, so I put a keylogger on to see why. Nothing unusual for about 5 days, the caught an explicit chat on google chat.

The feeling was unreal, the shock, the disbelief, the realization, and all of a sudden, some of her odd behaviours all made sense. If she hadn't go en me the ultimatum, hadn't asked me to commit, it would have been done right then and there. But she did, and it isn't.


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## Bellavista

First time (PA) I was told by someone else. Unfortunately everyone else in our church was also told.

Second time (cyber affairs) I was bothered by his disonnect and did not know what was going on. I suspected he might have a crush on a neighbour down the road. I stumbled on the truth purely by accident. I have had the passwords for his email addresses since his PA and since 12 years had passed, did not check them much. One day I just decided to have a look in his main yahoo account, saw a link to his phone bill and had a look out of curiosity.

Lots of texts and some calls to overseas. I called the numbers and found they were all women. Confronted him and dealt with it.


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## Vega

He told me. He said that he had been "emotionally involved" for about 3 weeks and it had "just gotten 'serious' 3 days earlier". 

I had no clue. 

In the same conversation he told me that he wanted to break up with me (after living together for over 4 years). 

I asked him WHY he told me. He said that he "wanted to be 'honest' with me". 

I realized later on that the only reason he told me was because the guilt was eating him alive. He hadn't even met the woman yet, but I figured out that when they DID finally meet that he wanted to be able to have sex with her without any guilt. 

It sux.

Vega


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## Horizon

Tried to access my brother's hotmail account on my WS's work laptop. Opened straight into her secret e-mail account. Read quite a bit and then became a blood hound - next day found iphone txts. Days later, she deleted the txts and dumped the e-mails (after I set her up with questions and showed her them on her own phone - boy she thought I was dumb or really needed to hold on to those e-mails and txts as the relationship had "apparently" ended long before - all BS!!!!). I recovered some of the e-mails and copied to myself. Pretty damning stuff.


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## arbitrator

*Largely upon advice from legal counsel to sift through wealthy XW's cell phone/texting records, retroactive some 18-24 months prior to the XW's unilaterally ordered separation(March/2011) and her subsequent divorce filing(November/2011); whereby she had me moved(May/2011)over to a nearby larger city in another county some 25 miles away.

After due examination of said records, found massive evidence within indicating numerous contacts with, not only one, but two out-of-town male acquaintances from her past; one was a divorced best friend and co-worker of her deceased first husband, the other was a married ex-high school boyfriend turned doctor, who had five grown kids.

These cell/texting records further indicated numerous "overnight", as well as "all-day" visits by her to these guys locales, all while we were domiciled and living together and sleeping in the same bed.

Then a friend of mine who had been a former PI, was able to elicit FB information, photos, and IM's from her to both of those BF's from that very same timeframe, that was beyond damning.*


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## movin on

Phone records, Facebook, twitter.gut feeling
Two months of "research" I found a confession to a friend.
If I had know twitter had a messaging feature I would have found it sooner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan

I called my husband at work on his birthday to ask if he'd decided where he wanted me to take him to dinner that night. I'd been asking for weeks prior and he'd been evasive and wouldn't give me an answer. He was _not_ the type to take it well if I "guessed" wrong on his preference and made plans without his approval. So, I called him up, day of, and he tells me, "Oh, [Neighbor] called [Favorite Restaurant] and made reservations. She's supposed to call you. You're going to ride with her there so you can drive me home in my truck later." 

I waited and waited, but she never called to tell me about "our" plans. When I arrived at dinner that night, it was to find that not only had our pretty, single, friend and neighbor planned my husband's birthday dinner without consulting me, she'd also invited other guests. Yep, she'd planned a party for a married man without informing, or inviting, his wife. 

H couldn't figure out why that would bother me. Was, in fact, pretty angry with me the next day for being crazy, paranoid, and irrational to think it had meant anything. "She just knows me and knew what I'd like to do for my birthday!" The next night I took a look at his phone and found months and months worth of texts, emails and pictures.


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## brokenbythis

He told me OW was pregnant and she had just announced it to the world on her facebook page.

No hiding it then...


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## angrybuttrying

My story is pretty simple - I began noticing my wife "disconnecting" from me emotionally, getting more into her job, and essentially becoming detached from me. As the weeks went by, I began to suspect something was wrong, having absolutely NO IDEA of the state of our marriage and relationship. 

Ironically, a few days before Dday, I had an epiphany of sorts and began to reflect on my life and what was wrong, not just with our relationship, but with me in general. It was then I decided to do something about who I had become - I was going to eliminate a number of really unhealthy behaviors, etc. I wrote all of it down in a letter, sort of a confession, and gave it to her. 

She acknowledged it, actually said it was good or something like that, then a few days later I looked at her BB (work email) and found evidence of an emotional affair. I immediately confronted her, she acknowledged it, and told her to immediately break off all communications, etc. which she did, and we went through hell for several months, and now are in R and doing much better.

We're closer than ever before, many of our prior problems are no longer, we both have simply become better people - for ourselves, for each other, and for others.


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## toonaive

Healer said:


> WW ended the marriage, seemingly out of the blue. Never saw it coming. It was 4 days later, after it sank in, that I got it out of her and that she was leaving because the guilt was eating her alive. She had no intention of telling me the real reason.
> 
> I admit I was slow on the uptake. Looking back the writing was all over the damn wall. But when someone accuses you of cheating for 15 years and makes you swear up and down you'll never do it to them - if you're too trusting, as I was, you never think they're the ones doing that to you.
> 
> I was a blindly trusting fool. I know better now. It fundamentally changed who I am.


This is how it was for me.


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## russell28

She seemed in a rush to get out of the house to go shopping.. Went looking for her and saw her sitting in the window of a coffee shop five minutes from my house with her OM... went home and checked phone records.


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## Pluto2

STBX secretly bought a disposable phone, when I found it and asked about it there was a password protection and I told him it was unacceptable. He said ok. The following week our daughter found his FB sexting while borrowing her dad's computer (with his permission). She came to me. When I confronted he denied everything. He hadn't done anything, it wasn't his FB, he never had a phone, etc. Then quickly switched to defiance and he wasn't going to explain or apologize for the way he wanted to live his life. Guess the truth was we really weren't his family.


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## Healer

Rowan said:


> I called my husband at work on his birthday to ask if he'd decided where he wanted me to take him to dinner that night. I'd been asking for weeks prior and he'd been evasive and wouldn't give me an answer. He was _not_ the type to take it well if I "guessed" wrong on his preference and made plans without his approval. So, I called him up, day of, and he tells me, "Oh, [Neighbor] called [Favorite Restaurant] and made reservations. She's supposed to call you. You're going to ride with her there so you can drive me home in my truck later."
> 
> I waited and waited, but she never called to tell me about "our" plans. When I arrived at dinner that night, it was to find that not only had our pretty, single, friend and neighbor planned my husband's birthday dinner without consulting me, she'd also invited other guests. Yep, she'd planned a party for a married man without informing, or inviting, his wife.
> 
> H couldn't figure out why that would bother me. Was, in fact, pretty angry with me the next day for being crazy, paranoid, and irrational to think it had meant anything. "She just knows me and knew what I'd like to do for my birthday!" The next night I took a look at his phone and found months and months worth of texts, emails and pictures.


Brutal. What a guy, and what a gal!


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## Healer

toonaive said:


> This is how it was for me.


Pretty astounding, isn't it? Are you in R or D?


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## badmemory

Step one - Gut feeling based on red flags that I had ignored for almost two years.

Step two - Put spyware on her phone and found "I love you" texts.

Step three - Confronted, she claimed it was a 2 month EA.

Step four - Ran e-mail recovery software on her computer and recovered 3500 deleted Facebook messages from POSOM - indicating 2 year PA.


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## Twistedheart

She had joined a YMCA in Sep 2009. Jan 2010 she i got the ILYBINILWY. Gut feelings right away. I tried to work through it my way with no dice. Red flags everywhere but I hadn't found this site until about Apr 2010. Started to notice and realize, through TAM, what exactly was going on with my 16+ year marriage. 17 May 2010, checked phone records for the first time ever. There it was. All the proof I needed. My life changed forever that day.


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## jessi

saw some inappropriate emails after having a gut feelings. 
followed him and his story about being at the office didn't pan out, his car was not there and the woman in the emails car was......
a few days later her husband called came over with his evidence of phone records and exposed the two of them and they admitted to the affair........
the Ow's husband said she started to say stuff and finally left her phone out that she had been protecting like it was gold and he found the texts with the proof.
He thinks she was trying to be caught...........
She thought she had my husband under her thumb he was claiming he loved her, he threw her under the bus that day never left the house again or without me at night or the weekends. 
trust your gut........


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## brokenbythis

Pluto2 said:


> STBX secretly bought a disposable phone, when I found it and asked about it there was a password protection and I told him it was unacceptable. He said ok. The following week our daughter found his FB sexting while borrowing her dad's computer (with his permission). She came to me. When I confronted he denied everything. He hadn't done anything, it wasn't his FB, he never had a phone, etc. Then quickly switched to defiance and he wasn't going to explain or apologize for the way he wanted to live his life. *Guess the truth was we really weren't his family*.


I got emotional when I read your post Pluto. "Guess the truth was we really weren't his family" is the way I felt too when he told me he wasn't going to stop seeing his female "friends". This was about a year before the now-pregnant OW came into the picture. When I confronted him about his "friends" he too at first denied, then became defiant and told me I was trying to "control" him and "ruin his life", that I was trying to "alienate him from his friends". I said if you continue this behavior I will not stay in this marriage any longer and you have to move out. He said "well I guess I'm moving out" and he did.

Fast forward 18 mths he is now begging for forgiveness.

I told him to take a flying f*&k. Filed papers for final divorce judgment 2 wks ago. They should arrive any day. I'm going to have a party when they do.


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## brokenbythis

jessi said:


> saw some inappropriate emails after having a gut feelings.
> followed him and his story about being at the office didn't pan out, his car was not there and the woman in the emails car was......
> a few days later her husband called came over with his evidence of phone records and exposed the two of them and they admitted to the affair........
> the Ow's husband said she started to say stuff and finally left her phone out that she had been protecting like it was gold and he found the texts with the proof.
> He thinks she was trying to be caught...........
> She thought she had my husband under her thumb he was claiming he loved her, he threw her under the bus that day never left the house again or without me at night or the weekends.
> *trust your gut*........


Yep trust your gut feelings.

I am NEVER wrong about gut feelings, and I'm never wrong about a person or their intentions. I can just tell and it always pans out the way I suspected it would.

The thing with cheaters is their scripts are so convincing after a while you tend to question your own sanity or in my case, believe them when they tell you you're just paranoid, insecure, get a life..

Never again.


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## brokenbythis

G'DAMN FACEBOOK.

Facebook and twitter - OMG these people are so stupid. Even if they "lock" their accounts, their scumbag friends blab or "tag" or "like" anything the cheating partner posts or even stuff the cheater likes or tags.

If you know where to look you can find all the evidence you need by looking at the cheater's friends and friends of friends.

How I hate facebook. My exH used it for years to hook up with bimbos, unbeknown to me. 

I deleted my FB account after D-day. I'm done with online gossip.


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## lacey99

WH comes home from work and tells me that OW just confessed she loved him, gave him a belt.( a going away present to him -he helped her get into the business he was in/trained her for 2 months or so (I knew of her, little stories here and there RE her new career change, her working at our store etc AND that she was moving to CA end of week)…. the night OW leaves/WH wakes me up out of a sound sleep to say- she just called him “at our house crying” she is freaking out being in a new place/ her new city/apartment-so (idiot me-responds-well call her-still thinking he was just helping supporting someone he mentored) BUT he then leaves the house to call her! (first gut feeling) So moving forward* the next week+ was hell- he began by ripping me apart about every aspect of my life while I push him on wtf is going on and go in sleuthmode. they still text and call her (fog)….FINALLY I confront him saying he owes me the whole truth…..they had an EA but they booked a hotel for a PA but she cold feet....he NC after 2 week fogs/TT/gaslighting -ugh!


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## MattMatt

My wife told me, in advance, that she was going to have an affair. But that she would come back to me. Which she did.


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## Kaya62003

A pocket dial message being left on my phone. And then hacking his email... Trust your gut!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

brokenbythis said:


> G'DAMN FACEBOOK.
> 
> Facebook and twitter - OMG these people are so stupid. Even if they "lock" their accounts, their scumbag friends blab or "tag" or "like" anything the cheating partner posts or even stuff the cheater likes or tags.
> 
> If you know where to look you can find all the evidence you need by looking at the cheater's friends and friends of friends.
> 
> How I hate facebook. My exH used it for years to hook up with bimbos, unbeknown to me.
> 
> I deleted my FB account after D-day. I'm done with online gossip.


Haha Broken, I've posted before about my SIL's ongoing affair with a married co-worker. She claims that while she's "in love" with him, nothing physical as happened, (yeah right).

Anyway last week I'm on FB and there in my feed are two photos of my SIL and the OM, laughing and smiling at each other. They had gone to an amusement park for "Fright Night" with a bunch of other co-workers (no spouses, of course). Another coworker had tagged them both and my SIL is so stupid she doesn't have her FB set to approve tagged photos. 

I tell my husband about the photos and he tells his brother. His brother says, "Yeah, you're not the only one to call me about the photos".


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## Betrayedred

The first dday--he had started hiding his phone and sleeping with it. I looked at the phone records and did an internet search. I confronted him. They "ended" it a few weeks later. Ha. They went underground. 

Second dday: she sent me a screen shot where he said, "Baby, are you gonna let me f*** that tight sweet ass of yours Monday morning?" And she replied, "Show me the divorce papers." 

Who knows if he's underground again. I don't have the energy to care. I just want to hold it together long enough to get my feet under me. After that, who knows.


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## bigtone128

Mine was "discovered" when she left our home. I knew her (lived with her for 30 years) and knew she could not live alone NOR would she leave our son UNLESS something significant was going on in her life. 
Called me paranoid.
Called me crazy.
Called me controlling.

BUT before this I had a sense she was disconnected from me and our family. I also noticed she was deleting sent messages on her phone. 
Then one day was out driving and the thought occurred to me that my wife doesn't know anything about my life nor does she care. Then I had a foreboding dream where I was in the hospital and our two sons were there and I heard my ex out in the hallway and the nurse said "only family members can visit ma'am". But the voice was my ex's. Finally when I discovered her phone logs were ALL deleted - I confronted her and she left the mext day.


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## Susie42

badmemory said:


> Step one - Gut feeling based on red flags that I had ignored for almost two years.
> 
> Step two - Put spyware on her phone and found "I love you" texts.
> 
> Step three - Confronted, she claimed it was a 2 month EA.
> 
> Step four - Ran e-mail recovery software on her computer and recovered 3500 deleted Facebook messages from POSOM - indicating 2 year PA.


How do you run email recovery data software? What is it called and how do you use it?


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## HarryDoyle

All the signs were there, but like a couple of others here, I refused to believe she would cheat on me. I knew something was up with her and her phone, constant texting. Hiding, holding, sleeping with it and started locking it. Then I discovered 2,250 text to one number in one month, all times of the day and night. Screwed up and confronted, she denied, lied and testified, it was only a friend at work going thru some troubles in her marriage. I told her she needed to get her friend some real help. Wife agreed and said she would tell her friend she couldn't help anymore. I didn't by one bit of it, but when I checked out the bill, my WW had stopped texting that number. 

I cracked her phone one night when she was asleep and there were no cheater apps, no emails, and no FB messages. She didn't use our computer. Checking the phone bill again I realized there were no phone calls to that number. No way she was cheating right? I mean who has an affair and doesn't talk to the person on the phone? And who just quits texting the OM like that? So I laid low and just waited.

Well she blew it. She told a friend of hers at work she was having an affair. And she just happen to have been texting her friend's husband a lot, they worked together. The WW was not sleeping with her friends husband, but her friend thought she might be so she called me and told me check my phone bill, that's it. "Check your phone bill". So I confronted my WW and asked her WTF was that all about? One again she denied knowing anything, and breaks down crying, swearing she wasn't doing anything with her friends husband. She called her friend paranoid, and said she would quit texting him if it was going to do that to her friend. WW was real touchy for the next couple of days, crying for no reason, etc. I believed she wasn't doing anything with her friends husband because I knew him, and well, he wasn't my wife's type. I told my wife I loved her and believed her.

Two days later she broke down crying and told me she had had an affair. It wasn't with her friends husband but another guy at work, some guy 15 years younger than her. EA to full PA for over a year. Just sex on lunch break and texting all the time. She called it off two months earlier when I had saw the phone bill. When I discovered the phone bill the "fog"started lifting. When her friend called me the "fog" completely, and I mean completely lifted. That was almost a year ago and we're still in R. Wife's and totally different person. Too bad it took that to change her.


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## browneyes74

Started having little twinges of feelings.. But disregarded as his first wife cheated on him, and he was so betrayed and hurt by it, I thought he'd NEVER cheat.. HA.

He went away for work for a month in April.. Different this time.. used to Skype twice a day.. Not this time.. Fought with me a lot.. Wanted to Skype every day or day and a half.. Right before he comes home, in the beginning of May, he "friends" this bimbo on FB who's dressed in a sequined bra and g-string.. Since I created his account for him, I knew his password and logged on.. Found a deleted message from said bimbo saying "Sorry baby, but I just need to see you tonight" He swears up and down that it was nothing, she didn't speak English, he blocks her.. 

Meanwhile, he starts hanging out with a couple of single guys, password protects his phone.. all of a sudden, needs to "hang out" with his single guy friend.. I find texts from his friend saying "remember, divorce is expensive" and "want to go to the bar tomorrow night, there'll be girls there" and STBX texted back "cool" Tried telling me that that's how guys talk to each other.. meant nothing, he wasn't trolling for girls, etc.. 

He starts lying about where he's been, when he's coming home.. (although that had been going on for a while) This goes on through May and june and one night, beginning of July, we get into a knock down, drag out fight.. literally.. he came home several hours late, I had been drinking, he had been drinking, I slapped him, he slapped me into the refrigerator.. of course, he tells everyone that *I* hit him (me, 5'4", him, a 6' ironworker, but *I* hit him harder)  

I had a friend coming to stay the next night.. He says he wants to come home, we'll play nice, and we'll deal with it the next day.. I say okay.. Next day, my friend tells me that she and my H fooled around on my couch while I slept down the hall.. She and I had been drinking.. He had been plying it.. She thinks it happened the last time she stayed at my house too.. He says she's lying.. He lies about several things and i catch him.. I tell him I want a divorce.. He disappears for 2 days, comes home smelling like a brewery..

For one week, he attempts R.. Then, he goes crazy.. Withdraws over a $1000 in cash for that month and parties all the time.. Couldn't pay the mortgage.. It was bad.. He goes on 2 trips in the beginning of August and I took away his debit card.. 

He moved out in August, when he got back from his 2nd trip with the guys, and in with some barfly he SUPPOSEDLY started hooking up with in July (yeah right).. Actually, he had the nerve to tell me that he WAITED to move in with her until the day after we filed for divorce (b/c he's so honorable you know)


And.. that's that.. Funnily enough, his single buddy, is the one that was spreading it around that the girl on his work trip was his "girlfriend" and they went on dates, and he bought her things, etc.. SHe was a freaking housemaid in the hotel he stayed.. 

But, he still wants people, and me, to believe that he didn't cheat.. My friend (now ex-friend, yes) lied.. And really, we just had this bad marriage, and he just had to leave.. Everyone else is just lying about this to make him look bad..


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## OnMyOwnat50

STBXH and I had been together for nearly 30 years, so I just "knew" something was up when he (a) started getting his hair cut more frequently; (b) asked me to buy him cologne the next time I was at the mall when he'd never worn it before; (c) started paying more attention to the way he dressed for work; (d) went out twice after work with people from work when he'd never done it before; and (e) installed a program on the computer that wiped out all history every time he was on it. We also had an iTunes account for our Ds, with receipts going to my email. One day I received a receipt listing a bunch of old mushy love songs that had been purchased. Confronted STBXH, asking if he made a CD for his girlfriend. He responded angrily, saying I always thought the worst of him. This happened over a period of 2.5 months. Didn't check phone records or anything. I was done. Told him I wanted a D and that he needed to leave. He did. It was two days after Thanksgiving. Two days later I got a call from the OW's H. Suspicions confirmed. OWs H had found an email on their home computer that she thought she had "sent" (didn't send for some reason) when they returned from a trip to visit family over Thanksgiving. I knew almost from the start. Started in mid September after we had returned from a vacation. OW worked with him, and she had sent him an email that he received when he returned from vacation, saying she had missed him and was attracted to him. That's all it took.


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## X-B

Where to start. I think the first thing was she would go grocery shopping for three hours and come home with about five items. The thing that got me started was after a vacation I was looking up how much data we used on phones and I saw text to unknown number. But one day I was pushing the trash can to the end of driveway and tipped it over. While cleaning up my mess I found a boxes for pre-paid phones. The paperwork in it had the numbers and everything. I did send him a pic of my behind. He does not know who sent it yet. My wife probably wont recognize it because it was a extreme:smthumbup: close up. 
I am just biding my time. I know most people think Obama care sux but one part in it is my saving grace. Starting next year they can't refuse me for preexisting conditions. I have lung cancer and my health insurance is through my wife's work. That is the only reason I am still staying with her. But it still sux to be me.


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## ne9907

> The thing with cheaters is their scripts are so convincing after a while you tend to question your own sanity or in my case, believe them when they tell you you're just paranoid, insecure, get a life..


Yes, sometimes I still think I was crazy for leaving my marriage. Even after all the red flags and EAs proof..... (oh and possibly having another child while being married to me!!! PA with a co-worker 6 years ago... the kid in question and stbxh look so much alike... of he denied it).



> But, he still wants people, and me, to believe that he didn't cheat.. My friend (now ex-friend, yes) lied.. And really, we just had this bad marriage, and he just had to leave.. Everyone else is just lying about this to make him look bad


It is like these men want to drive us crazy....


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## Miarosco

I found my husband in bed with my best friend who was living with us at the time. Very traumatic for me. I was and still am having severe health issues when this happened


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## browneyes74

Miarosco said:


> I found my husband in bed with my best friend who was living with us at the time. Very traumatic for me. I was and still am having severe health issues when this happened


Of course you are.. I didn't catch my H and my friend in bed.. nor any of the other OW, but I STILL dry heave every day.. i've lost 40 pounds in less than 4 months.. part of it due, no doubt, to the fact that i don't have to worry about the bank account being overdrawn, him getting a DUI in his work vehicle, him hitting and hurting someone while drinking and driving (well, that one is still a bit of an issue since he can't refinance his car in his name b/c HIS credit sucks) 

i can't sleep through the night.. this is all normal i think.. we have been through a huge emotional upheaval.. 

I'm sorry.. I wish is was better


----------



## the guy

We would go to bed together but when I would wake up in the middle of the night she was gone...only to wake up the next morning with her next to me.

You may ask, how could I go back to sleep...well my old lady was no longer my problem, the first time it happened I saw what was going on by looking at the online bank statement and cut her off the account, then called the dog and let him jump in bed...mind you it wasn't at the foot of the bed...good 'ol Buster got the works ...her side of the bed and even her pillow.

Mrs. the guy would have never found the droll spots, for except she hid her cell under her pillow. LOL

R.I.P. Buster


----------



## Headspin

its incredible how arrogantly confident they get isn't it

My serial cheating wife always intimated that whoever it was she was into may have been gay at the start when they first met to throw me off the scent as we had a few genuine gay friends 

the last one was almost laughable 

She had been telling me more and more we were in the "best place " in all our marriage within weeks of meeting the new posom. I was saying "I hope we are not gonna have a problem here are we"?

"Don't be ridiculous a/ he's not even my type" (another historical red flag) b/ "I don't even like him - it's all work"
and "c I think he's gay anyway"

Driving in the car to a boot sale one Sunday morning a couple of weeks later she mentioned she had a meeting to go to overnight a few months later and I suggested she go with (gay so safe) posom

Her self damning answer 

"Mmmm.. not sure his _wife_ would be comfortable with that"

(me quietly) - "His wife?"......my long silence............

(stuttering stumbling) "er...mm......I think I was wrong about him .... er....being gay"

....my continued silence....

(raising her voice) "What? Whaaat? - Why are you looking at me like that" 

:rofl:

Word for word
After that the gut lead everything - within four weeks it was all established, she was 'in love' - within 5 weeks she was gone

Finally


----------



## 86857

brokenbythis said:


> . . . When I confronted him about his "friends" he too at first denied, then became defiant and told me I was trying to "control" him and "ruin his life", that I was trying to "alienate him from his friends". I said if you continue this behavior I will not stay in this marriage any longer and you have to move out. He said "well I guess I'm moving out" and he did.
> Fast forward 18 mths he is now begging for forgiveness.
> 
> I told him to take a flying f*&k.
> 
> Filed papers for final divorce judgment 2 wks ago. They should arrive any day. I'm going to have a party when they do.


Love it BBT. You are one feisty lady. Kudos. :smnotworthy:


----------



## arbitrator

Kaya62003 said:


> A pocket dial message being left on my phone. And then hacking his email... Trust your gut!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*You know, someone getting caught cheating is greatly analagous to what happened to me and, I'm sure, a lot of others back in their school days.

After football practice, being the little wiseass that I was, smarted-off to one of my teammates using a word that my parents or pastor wouldn't exactly be proud of. And it was all overheard, of course, by our defensive coordinator, who jerked me by the collar and asked me to come back to the coaches office where he told me that I now had an appointment with "Miss Betsy."

In reality, Miss Betsy was nothing more than a sawed-down baseball bat that was used as a paddle. Told to bare my rear end, Coach lifted my ass right up off the floor with it, giving me a quite lasting and very warm impression.

Now when I got home and walked into the living room, my Dad, an oilfield supervisor and a huge man, who was siting in his recliner and reading the newspaper sports page, and never losing contact with that reading asked, "Son, did anything interesting happen at school today?" "Well Dad, not really," was my canned reply.

"I understand that you might have been acting a little like a heathen at football practice. So how were those licks you got today for doing that? I'll tell you what, why don't you just come on out back, and let's see if I can't do a little better than Coach did!" 

Long story short ~ he did! And more! Days later I found out that Dad, my HS vice principal, and the Coach were all beer-drinking buddies and "word traveled fast."

Moral of this tale: Even in matters of infidelity, if ever in doubt, just don't do it! You might never ever live long enough to know who it was that ratted you out!*


----------



## littlejaz

After I went to bed at night, he would get on the computer - supposedly to look for a job. He would open several different websites in separate windows so when he heard me get up to go the bathroom he would switch screens. Too bad for him that I am way more computer savvy than he is and knew to look at the bottom of the screen to see what sites he was on. I could also see a gmail window open. Strange since his email was with yahoo. First change I got when he wasn't home, I logged in as him on the computer and opened gmail. To my surprise it went straight to his email as he stayed signed in. Everything was right there.


----------



## Racer

It started with a business trip. When I got back, I was sick and went to bed. Wife picked a fight because I didn’t help her hide Easter eggs. She escalated it quickly to the ILYBNILWY and that I should move out (but come home after work every day, make dinner, help kids, put them to bed, then go away again). Um... No; Divorce or marriage... no separation; In or out. Further tantrums, belittling, etc. All the excuses just struck me all wrong to explain this massive assault. So I started snooping. Found a half gone box of condoms in her glovebox. Pulled phone records, found a ton of calls and text. And setup spyware on everything. Then outted her to everyone she cared for.

The false R. I was continuing to snoop due to the multiple ongoing lies and broken NC. Also, her phone habits changed massively... like thirty some odd legit calls per day down to none. I knew she was using her office phone and email. While trying to figure out how to gain access, I made a discovery. A pre-paid calling card fell out of it’s hiding place in her vanity. I disputed the remaining time and got the entire call log, dates, and times. She’d been in contact with her EA for several months. Calling him at like 3:00am while I was sleeping and she was letting the dogs out.


----------



## badmemory

Racer said:


> A pre-paid calling card fell out of it’s hiding place in her vanity. *I disputed the remaining time and got the entire call log, dates, and times.* She’d been in contact with her EA for several months. Calling him at like 3:00am while I was sleeping and she was letting the dogs out.


Nice Racer. I'll have to remember that one.


----------



## badmemory

Susie42 said:


> How do you run email recovery data software? What is it called and how do you use it?


Sorry Susie, I should have checked back on this thread sooner. But remember you can always PM me.

It's called RecoverMyEmail. Costs about 100 bucks. But, it will only work if e-mails are deleted to the hard drive (Outlook, Windows Mail, etc). It normally won't work on internet based e-mail. (Yahoo, gmail, etc.)


----------



## 2yearsago

Gut feeling then as I paid increased attention to her moods, activity could tell something was "off".

After a couple of weeks she fell asleep early and I checked her phone. Saw texts to OM. Blew my mind.


----------



## still numb

We were taking care of some kid business on the family computer with my wife's email account. Next day I logged into the comp and her email was still open. I did a search with OMs name (obviously I had a hunch) and got the absolute shock of my life.

Afterwards I wondered how I could have missed all the signs. Just looking at her cell phone bill - thousands of phone calls and tens of thousands of texts. Ostriches aren't the only ones with their heads in the sand.


----------



## TryingToRecover

His behavior regarding work changed (affair was with a coworker) and gut feelings, then I started snooping. Didn't take long to uncover the truth. He's not tech savvy and I am. No surprise but the affair fog really gives people "the dumb." A few of his lies were spectacularly lame, other lies were crafted a little "better" but he was still transparent as a window.


----------



## wranglerman

First wife was ratted out to me and I was shown the CCTV footage from the gym where she was getting pumped.

Second wife had an EA with an ex, gut feeling said something was off and checked her social networking and bingo.

She learned the hard way, but she stayed, things still go a wry at times but much better than it ever was.


----------



## KanDo

My discovery was a bit different. WW mistakenly sent me a text meant for another person where she wanted me and the OM. I went into Sherlock Holmes mode. Details in my story. Turned out to be much worse than I imagined. Had to have her in the house for 90 days after filing. STILL not done.


----------



## Bellavista

So, it seems in a lot of cases the BS had an inkling that things were not good based on behaviour from the WS.

And I bet if you asked all of the WSs they would say they thought they were acting normally. My H sure did.


----------



## SadandAngry

KanDo said:


> My discovery was a bit different. WW mistakenly sent me a text meant for another person where she wanted me and the OM. I went into Sherlock Holmes mode. Details in my story. Turned out to be much worse than I imagined. Had to have her in the house for 90 days after filing. STILL not done.


Did she notice she sent it to you, or do I have to find the answers in your thread?


----------



## Oldrandwisr

Every time (three) it started with the good ol' gut feeling. Always trust it. Upon further sleuthing, there was enough computer info and phone records to confirm, but questioned everything too soon and was gas lighted and rug swept. No R took place, just became roommates and working toward D finalizing. 

Would have had a resolute confrontation the first time if I had TAM before now.


----------



## Horizon

still numb said:


> We were taking care of some kid business on the family computer with my wife's email account. Next day I logged into the comp and her email was still open. I did a search with OMs name (obviously I had a hunch) and got the absolute shock of my life.
> 
> Afterwards I wondered how I could have missed all the signs. Just looking at her cell phone bill - thousands of phone calls and tens of thousands of texts. Ostriches aren't the only ones with their heads in the sand.


10's of thousands - how is it so? Mind boggling. Hope all is well.


----------



## jack.c

Came back home for a suprize.... found her and my best friend in bed redhanded! Calmly I told them when they finish we need to talk downstairs......
I was very calm not showing how upset I was......
Left that evening the appartment after confrontation, a month after i left the US and came to live here in ITALY where I am happily married.
One day I will write a thread of my story.....


----------



## calmwinds

13 minute butt-call from God


----------



## arbitrator

calmwinds said:


> 13 minute butt-call from God


*And God certainly does move in strange and mysterious ways!*


----------



## 6301

Out of the mouth of babes. My six year old daughter had seven dollars on her and I asked where she got it. She said "Bob". I said who is Bob and she said, "Mom's friend". Asked wife who is Bob. She had a look on her face like a deer looking in the headlights. Game. Set. Match. One hour later she got the bums rush out.


----------



## dragon1

Hi everyone i am new here, great place for help. Anyway completely by accident sorta speak. I will post history shortly, I had won a good jackpot at a casino and my wife immediately texts a mutual male friend of ours. I don't like sharing my business with everyone and i said to her not do that again as it was our business. Anyway we returned home that night after spending "Wedding Anniversary 12 years" away from home. That night i thought about that text why did she immediately text him? I logged into cell account of hers and saw so many texts to him as well as pics, calls, videos and others. Now some txt were legit but all of the others well you get the picture. After spending all night going through them i confronted her at 5 AM in the morning. That is when the long and very upsetting hurtful story begins. I do hope that once my story is posted that others will learn from what happened to me and that it doesn't happen to others.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

for me she gave me the stupid speech of "I love you but not in love with you" nonsense....figured something was wrong so i went checking email and our online cell phone account....bam, found over 2000 messages sent over a 3 week timespan....i knew then with undeniable proof..


----------



## Trying2figureitout

ILYNILWY + change in behavior (more gym, sexy panties,shaved pubes) + sexless 4 years ago

Phone records showing many texts to unknown # (hundreds to thousands per month day and night)
Looked up info found name of unknown guy (gym buddy)
She denied "Just a friend"
3 more years of stress
Finally checked her phone this month
First three texts she sent minutes before told all the story

She was in love with him. She admitted to me that fact.

I posted him on cheaterville

She ended it..we are in R


----------



## Thound

Code:







X-Betaman said:


> Where to start. I think the first thing was she would go grocery shopping for three hours and come home with about five items. I started snooping but found nothing different on phone bill. But one day I was pushing the trash can to the end of driveway and tipped it over. While cleaning up my mess I found a boxes for pre-paid phones. The paperwork in it had the numbers and everything. I did send him a pic of my behind. He does not know who sent it yet. My wife probably wont recognize it because it was a extreme:smthumbup: close up.
> I am just biding my time. I know most people think Obama care sux but one part in it is my saving grace. Starting next year they can't refuse me for preexisting conditions. I have lung cancer and my health insurance is through my wife's work. That is the only reason I am still staying with her. But it still sux to be me.


how are you doing health wise?


----------



## wranglerman

Trying2figureitout said:


> ILYNILWY + change in behavior (more gym, sexy panties,shaved pubes) + sexless 4 years ago
> 
> Phone records showing many texts to unknown # (hundreds to thousands per month day and night)
> Looked up info found name of unknown guy (gym buddy)
> She denied "Just a friend"
> 3 more years of stress
> Finally checked her phone this month
> First three texts she sent minutes before told all the story
> 
> She was in love with him. She admitted to me that fact.
> 
> I posted him on cheaterville
> 
> She ended it..we are in R


I fear this will not end well for you!!!

She kept you stringing for years and basically as plan B, if you are seriously going through R then good luck, think you gonna need some, got a pale around here someplace, hold up while I dig it out.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

wranglerman said:


> I fear this will not end well for you!!!
> 
> She kept you stringing for years and basically as plan B, if you are seriously going through R then good luck, think you gonna need some, got a pale around here someplace, hold up while I dig it out.


It will end up OK with me because I planned it that way. I figure six more months now that he is cut out and we will be good again. Impossible to move forward with the OM in the picture. I did not just sit idle wallowing in self pity all those years, I worked on everything else to allow for recovery.


----------



## wranglerman

Trying2figureitout said:


> It will end up OK with me because *I planned it that way.*


Just because you planned it, don't mean she aint gonna ruin it, again.



> I figure six more months now that he is cut out and we will be good again. Impossible to move forward with the OM in the picture. I did not just sit idle wallowing in self pity all those years, I worked on everything else to allow for recovery.


Six months :scratchhead:

Either you're gonna do a massive rug sweep or you have detached enough for her behavior not to affect you too deeply.


----------



## tainted

Trying2figureitout said:


> It will end up OK with me because I planned it that way. I figure six more months now that he is cut out and we will be good again. *Impossible to move forward with the OM in the picture*. I did not just sit idle wallowing in self pity all those years, I worked on everything else to allow for recovery.


Impossible to move forward with your wife in the picture is what it looks like.


----------



## Hemingway

My gut cried something was wrong, but she totally denied anything inapparopriate. While on a trip out of town, I tracked her iPhone and saw her going to the OMs house.

Find my iPhone, life changing!


----------



## Hemingway

calmwinds said:


> 13 minute butt-call from God


Now, that makes me believe in God!


----------



## BetrayedAgain7

Every time I went into the study he would quickly minimise pages on his laptop, this happened a lot, but me being me back in those days, I just shrugged it off. Eventually I actually caught him messaging some chick on facebook. 

I didn't say anything to him at that time, but I went looking and found secret email accounts, a login to a dating site and undeleted facebook inbox messages. Our telephone account had many calls and texts to her phone number and lo and behold there it was....I had been staring it in the face, but I had to be slapped around the face before I would believe it. 

It was like staring down the barrel of a gun and waiting for it to explode.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

wranglerman said:


> Just because you planned it, don't mean she aint gonna ruin it, again.
> 
> 
> 
> Six months :scratchhead:
> 
> Either you're gonna do a massive rug sweep or you have detached enough for her behavior not to affect you too deeply.


I've already mourned for my marriage two years ago so yes her newly discovered actions while putting me in an emotional tailspin at first my emotions have leveled out and I see this as a new uncharted phase minus the OM cancer.

That allows me good perspective and allows me to manage the recovery in the way I see fit. It was a three year attachment to him so six months is not out of the ordinary for full recovery because that is the initial period for getting over a love interest.

I'm in no hurry to rush R my goal is a new monogomy...its more important to me to do it right and permanently.
So I like always have a plan of how to recover from this. We are at ground level building it back up together


----------



## manonfire

While I was deployed, I noticed her and another guy we had gone to highschool with talking a little more, liking, commenting on each others facebook than normal. She had become extremely cold and cruel, saying all sorts of extremely hateful things. That was the first obvious indicator there was something more to it. She wanted to divorce, and leave. She spent my money lavishly. When I came home, apartment was trashed. It's as if all aspects of the 'us' part had dissolved. I had gotten bfac*k 3 days earlier than planned, and I was going to surprise her, and what she said was 'You came home early to try to catch me cheating.' I mean, guilty conscience right? She would not give me any passwords to her phone or computer (That I bought her). She was always ninja texting. One day, I did get in her phone and she had random naked pictures. I asked what for? And she said, she was doing them for fun. She gets pregnant, and immediately wants an abortion (Still not sure if it were even mine at this point.) She leaves. Fast forward a few months. Some gut feeling told me to snoop her emails. She didn't delete her 'sent'. I found 3 naked photos with 'Thanks for being the best part of my vacation '. That was about 2 months after she left. I didn't even tell her about it. Month or so goes by, she calls, apologizes for everything, and as*k if she can come back. I revealed everything I knew, and she denied it, when the evidence is there. I confronted the guy, he said they did have sex. She again tried to come back. I have since shut her out, and pending a divorce. 

I love her, and the very thought of all this still makes me sick to my stomach, and its nearly a year later. But I will not subject my self to this. I'd bet she cheated on me multiple times before. She displayed the same signs throughout our relationship, but this was the only time I caught her red handed.


I'm not going to sit here and tell you guys everything has since gotten better. My life has slowly spiraled downwards. I've since become a borderline alcoholic, got a dui, and nearly ruined my career because of it. It's been hard, and it's not getting much easier. I've since had a few 'girlfriends', but in this time of emotional weakness, I fall for them quickly, and get tired of them even quicker. I'm still trying to search for the 'one'. But I just stumble towards the first girl that pays any attention to me. It's rough, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I'm crawling for it, I can see its there. And that's what I cling onto.

That's my story.


----------



## mahike

I had a gut feeling for a few weeks but she left her facebook page open. I had the feeling something was wrong and I looked at her page. Nothing there but then I red chats, that was enough but then went into her emails, photos and then I checked her phone records. All within about 30 minutes.

I called her on her cell phone and confronted her!


----------



## Fenix

I've had a hard time reading this thread. It triggered me quite a bit. My Discovery was the result of a stray IM. Stbx hopped up from the family computer, leaving his email open, to go work out. I sat down and got on my email and ping, an IM comes in for him. It was open for all to see. I read it and it sent alarm bells. It was the tone more than anything, fairly familiar. So, I searched his email and discovered more than I ever thought I would. He had apologized for hopping into bed with this girl, when he had taken her and her GF down to my vacation home. I didn't know they were there. He was supposed to be down there, replanting the garden after a tornado. I discovered a trail with others that went back 5 years. I then thought about all of my gut feelings that started a decade ago and realized that I had been right all along. The thing was that I thought we were in a really good place 'now'. Yeah, he had it good. He had all the cake he ever wanted.

Welp, not anymore. fvcking bastard.

Manonfire, I am sorry you had to go through that and are still suffering. My d-day was 10 months ago. Right now, I feel very, very fortunate that I am no longer living a lie. I wish I could send you some resiliency vibes.


----------



## Openminded

Manonfire, I remember your posts. I'm glad to hear she's out of your life. Please take care of yourself.


----------



## SadandAngry

manonfire said:


> While I was deployed, I noticed her and another guy we had gone to highschool with talking a little more, liking, commenting on each others facebook than normal. She had become extremely cold and cruel, saying all sorts of extremely hateful things. That was the first obvious indicator there was something more to it. She wanted to divorce, and leave. She spent my money lavishly. When I came home, apartment was trashed. It's as if all aspects of the 'us' part had dissolved. I had gotten bfac*k 3 days earlier than planned, and I was going to surprise her, and what she said was 'You came home early to try to catch me cheating.' I mean, guilty conscience right? She would not give me any passwords to her phone or computer (That I bought her). She was always ninja texting. One day, I did get in her phone and she had random naked pictures. I asked what for? And she said, she was doing them for fun. She gets pregnant, and immediately wants an abortion (Still not sure if it were even mine at this point.) She leaves. Fast forward a few months. Some gut feeling told me to snoop her emails. She didn't delete her 'sent'. I found 3 naked photos with 'Thanks for being the best part of my vacation '. That was about 2 months after she left. I didn't even tell her about it. Month or so goes by, she calls, apologizes for everything, and as*k if she can come back. I revealed everything I knew, and she denied it, when the evidence is there. I confronted the guy, he said they did have sex. She again tried to come back. I have since shut her out, and pending a divorce.
> 
> I love her, and the very thought of all this still makes me sick to my stomach, and its nearly a year later. But I will not subject my self to this. I'd bet she cheated on me multiple times before. She displayed the same signs throughout our relationship, but this was the only time I caught her red handed.
> 
> 
> I'm not going to sit here and tell you guys everything has since gotten better. My life has slowly spiraled downwards. I've since become a borderline alcoholic, got a dui, and nearly ruined my career because of it. It's been hard, and it's not getting much easier. I've since had a few 'girlfriends', but in this time of emotional weakness, I fall for them quickly, and get tired of them even quicker. I'm still trying to search for the 'one'. But I just stumble towards the first girl that pays any attention to me. It's rough, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I'm crawling for it, I can see its there. And that's what I cling onto.
> 
> That's my story.


You are looking for solutions in the wrong places. You won't find it in the arms of another, or in a bottle, or anywhere, except for inside yourself. Maybe you need to talk to someone to get a little guidance, but you need to accept yourself, and realize your inherent self worth.


----------



## Fenix

SadandAngry said:


> You are looking for solutions in the wrong places. You won't find it in the arms of another, or in a bottle, or anywhere, except for inside yourself. Maybe you need to talk to someone to get a little guidance, but *you need to accept yourself, and realize your inherent self worth*.


Yes, yes, yes.

She abused you in so many ways; your trust, your love, your emotional security. She did it. 

Get some IC, get outside, get exercising. You deserve so much more than what she gave you. Do you have friends outside of work? Do you have a support network?


----------



## Gabriel

Went into my wife's email to check RSVPs to a party we were having. Saw an email from the OM (we both emailed the OM from time to time, so it wasn't unusual on the surface). 

Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.


----------



## Philat

Gabriel said:


> Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.


Good thing.


----------



## Horizon

mahike said:


> I had a gut feeling for a few weeks but she left her facebook page open. I had the feeling something was wrong and I looked at her page. Nothing there but then I red chats, that was enough but then went into her emails, photos and then I checked her phone records. All within about 30 minutes.
> 
> I called her on her cell phone and confronted her!


Come on, don't leave us hanging, and....


----------



## Adelais

After 19 years of M and 4 children, his attitude toward me changed, and I called him on it. I had no idea he was in an EA, but I did notice the low tolerance he had toward me.

3 weeks later he asked me for a D. He said he hadn't loved me for 5 years, and there was no one else. A day later he said there was someone he would like to get to know better. Then he said he was in love with someone. Finally he said that as soon as we were D, they were getting M.

One week later he dumped OW on the advice of someone, and he came back to our M (out of duty.) One month later he said he loved me and that the EA was like being on drugs, and he wasn't himself.

4 1/2 years later (Since July 2009) I still start thinking he is not being real with me, and is lying to me. Telling someone you haven't loved them in 5 years really does a number on a person's trust. Taking it back doesn't remove the horrible memories of Dday and the aftermath.


----------



## PamJ

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> After 19 years of M and 4 children, his attitude toward me changed, and I called him on it. I had no idea he was in an EA, but I did notice the low tolerance he had toward me.
> 
> This is the trigger for me. When my FWH was in the midst of his online/phone/sexting affair, I couldn't say anything without get a very impatient frustrated snide reply from him. He took everything I said as a challenge or an argument starter. I finally figured out it was his way of rationalizing what he was doing by making me the bad person while he was emotionally checking out on me.
> 
> Now if we have a day where he is reacting this way even a little I get wary but , so far, nothing has come of it and I chuck it up to us being in close quarters too much as he is trying to work less and let our employees work more in the business we run together, so he is around a lot more. The difference is now I tell him how I am feeling instead of just staying away from him because I got tired of the way he talked to me.


----------



## Adelais

> Now if we have a day where he is reacting this way even a little I get wary but , so far, nothing has come of it and I chuck it up to us being in close quarters too much as he is trying to work less and let our employees work more in the business we run together, so he is around a lot more. The difference is now I tell him how I am feeling instead of just staying away from him because I got tired of the way he talked to me.


You are a better or more stable person than I am. When my H begins to exhibit annoying pre Dday behaviors I begin to stew, get insecure, and eventually I blow like a volcano. I think I might be permanently messed up.


----------



## Dday

I missed what should of been DDay 1 when I caught her texting in the middle of the night, I got suspicious and checked phone records. Found a number that was called a lot and ran a trace but she was able to lie her way out of that situation. 

About a year later I found her sleeping with a burner phone that she used to text OM2. After about 6 hours of denying the truth came out and a day later she admitted to OM1 also.


----------



## Asian

How I found out my wife was cheating was... Kind of embarrassing but I'll share it with you all. 
Since wife and I didn't have sex any longer... I was very suspicious of her cheating and noticed her odd behavior, she started to get sudden extended hours at her weekend job and when she returned home first thing she done were laundry and taking shower, took me few times to noticed it but this behavior happens only when she gets her extra hours. 
One weekend she came back late put her clothes in washing machine and went in the shower, I stopped the washing machine before her clothing gets wet from water and inspected her clothing..
First thing I checked was her thong panty and noticed that it was extremely wet and I could tell that it wasn't from water... I lived long enough to figure that was from her body fluid.... I was shocked and felt myself shaking at the time, then I inspected her yoga pants that she was wearing and noticed that back part of her pants(butt part) were also wet, I couldn't understand what was from so I brought the pants by my nose to smell then that blew my mind...!! again I'm old enough to know what the male body fluid smells like...now I don't have to explain any further we all adults should able to picture what she was doing with her young 22 years boy coworker of hers... you don't even know how broken I was at the time .... Now we are separated for long time and process of divorcing. My life is better without her in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RWB

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> One week later he dumped OW on the advice of someone, and he came back to our M (out of duty.) One month later he said he loved me and that the *EA was like being on drugs, and he wasn't himself.*
> 
> 4 1/2 years later (Since July 2009) I still start thinking he is not being real with me, and is lying to me. * Telling someone you haven't loved them in 5 years really does a number on a person's trust. * Taking it back doesn't remove the horrible memories of Dday and the aftermath.


Been there! DD 4 1/2 years ago... Aug 5, 2009.

Still hard to understand. My wife hooked back up (PA) with old BF from college, 30 years after marriage. I read her emails to him and she professed a love that never existed with me. She told him that we never built anything (partnership) together... we were nothing. 

Gets caught... in an instant, it meant nothing, threw him under the bus, begs for mercy, claims she went crazy, says she always loved me. 

Crazy indeed. 

Those words she wrote will forever haunt me. My grown son had copies and warned me never to read them regardless of D or R. I had to look behind the door. Monsters are real.


----------



## arbitrator

Gabriel said:


> Went into my wife's email to check RSVPs to a party we were having. Saw an email from the OM (we both emailed the OM from time to time, so it wasn't unusual on the surface).
> 
> Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.


*My God, Gabe! Your heart must have literally dropped way down into the canyon when you opened it!*


----------



## arbitrator

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I told him.


*Mrs. Adams: Did Mr. Adams ever have a clue as to what was really going on?

I do know that I was totally clueless, and never even discovered it until well into the separation process! I was utterly devastated!*


----------



## Hardtohandle

It took me a bit to understand how I "Accidently" discovered my Ex wife affair.. But then months later it hit me.

Wasn't my wifes first, matter of fact it was my wifes 3rd _attempted_ affair before the final 4th successful one.. 

But they all happened around September.. September was a trigger month for me. So I subconsciously looked at my cellphone bill online and seen the 100s of text and calls a month to one number.


----------



## RaisedGarden

First time I caught my XW, I surprised her with an unexpected day off, and I walked in on her and another resident in their underwear lounging in the living room. Got back together(like an idiot) and got married. Second time I had a major hunch since she was acting like the first time she cheated. Saw thousands of texts to another number and installed tracking programs on her phone and computer. Had all the evidence I needed in less than 6 hours, but couldn't bear it after a week of her belittling me to the POSOM in the texts. Also, as a side benefit of my snooping, I got the pleasure of her emails under another account and name to a guy she was sleeping with for over 10 years whilst with me. Yeah serial cheater through and through. :loser:


----------



## Wolf1974

RaisedGarden said:


> First time I caught my XW, I surprised her with an unexpected day off, and I walked in on her and another resident in their underwear lounging in the living room. Got back together(like an idiot) and got married. Second time I had a major hunch since she was acting like the first time she cheated. Saw thousands of texts to another number and installed tracking programs on her phone and computer. Had all the evidence I needed in less than 6 hours, but couldn't bear it after a week of her belittling me to the POSOM in the texts. Also, as a side benefit of my snooping, I got the pleasure of her emails under another account and name to a guy she was sleeping with for over 10 years whilst with me. Yeah serial cheater through and through. :loser:


I have never met a cheater who wasn't serial. Yes it can take years to happen but it does happen. That's why my hard and fast rule about no dating pervious cheaters.

As for me. My x wife showed all the signs but at the time I didn't know what they really meant.

Started loosing weight , buying new clothes and new perfume

Then started the arguing and yelling, totally changed behavior. I honestly for months thought she had cracked. That she was either suffering from postpartum depression or simply was bi-polar....her behavior became that extreme. I asked her mom for help she also thought her daughter was loosing it 

Through it all something in my guy just wasn't right. I kept thinking she is cheating......but she had no reason to I would tell myself. We had a great sex life, communicated, I still bought flowers for her and showered her and my daughters with affection. But cheating she was. One day she left her phone out while she was upstairs showering. I looked and my heart broke that day with the things I read. They had been screwing for weeks and in my house with my kids present. Was hardest thing I ever end through .


----------



## arbitrator

Wolf1974 said:


> I have never met a cheater who wasn't serial. Yes it can take years to happen but it does happen. That's why my hard and fast rule about no dating pervious cheaters.
> 
> As for me. My x wife showed all the signs but at the time I didn't know what they really meant.
> 
> Started loosing weight , buying new clothes and new perfume
> 
> Then started the arguing and yelling, totally changed behavior. I honestly for months thought she had cracked. That she was either suffering from postpartum depression or simply was bi-polar....her behavior became that extreme. I asked her mom for help she also thought her daughter was loosing it
> 
> Through it all something in my guy just wasn't right. I kept thinking she is cheating......but she had no reason to I would tell myself. We had a great sex life, communicated, I still bought flowers for her and showered her and my daughters with affection. But cheating she was. One day she left her phone out while she was upstairs showering. I looked and my heart broke that day with the things I read. *They had been screwing for weeks and in my house with my kids present.* Was hardest thing I ever end through .


*Damn it, Wolf! That's just wrong!

But truth be known, I know that my skanky XW was screwing her BF's lights out on her numerous roadtrips to his end of the world. Now I often wonder when I was overnighting on the road and out-of-town refereeing, that Lil' Lord Lardass wasn't back home in our bed busy plugging the hole in the dike! 

But with what I know now, I certainly wouldn't be so foolish as to bet against it!*


----------



## love=pain

Well I had a feeling something wasn't right, I happened to see a picture of her in a bra that she texted but the name on the text was a girls name so I wrote the # down and kinda put it aside. After a big blow up she broke her phone, I ordered a new one and she came home early from work in order to get it from the mail, that's when I knew something was up. I hacked her password and found another picture texted to a "J" in her contacts, traced the cell # found out who it was then placed spy software on her phone, captured a day of texts between them and had my proof.

The rest of the stuff she finally admitted to after several months, although she did volunteer some info I still believe there is more she is just scared to tell me for fear I will kick her out, but I haven't been able to find out any thing new.


----------



## daggeredheart

It all seems so textbook now looking back at these stories and my own. 

He seemed detached, preoccupied, obsessed with ipad and suddenly wanted to use his exercise bike after a 12 year absence. It's like he was zombie walking through his life and finding another passion via technology. I thought it was this new strategy game he had been playing. It was a strategy all right, how to land a hot babe and ditch your wife/kids. 

I walked in from shopping and went to sit by him and show him the new shirt I bought him. There was a look of panic in his eyes as he tried to decide which device to minimize first. In that second I knew and confronted him. He trickle truth for the first two hours or so. Some woman (we think) who he met via the game and they knew each other for roughly 3-4 weeks with the last two weeks being the "we are truly madly deeply in love" stage. I kicked him out, he rushed to a hotel to spend the night chatting with her and still all in love while my brain went bezerk and I was planning my life as a bag lady w kids. To be so discarded like you meant nothing is a black hole of a wound. 

Funny how the mind just goes to the worst possible outcome. Week later after family drama ( our son was hospitalized w pneumonia) he wanted to try again. We are in R but it's been hard on me especially. Weekly counseling for a year and half and I still have horrible scar tissue over my heart. Worst type of pain to be told they don't love you anymore.


"I have never met a cheater who wasn't serial. Yes it can take years to happen but it does happen. That's why my hard and fast rule about no dating pervious cheaters." <------ huge huge statement and this really hit home for me and now I'm looking back over all our years and seeing other "EA" type behavior that adds up to a whole lot of "well this sucks" 

 Thank you for sharing your stories.


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## arbitrator

Mrs. John Adams said:


> He knew something was "off" but he did not know there was another man until I told him. It was a very short affair and it happened thirty years ago...no internet, no cell phones etc.


*I totally admire your honesty, ma'am!*


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## 3putt

My last one, I was awakened around 2am by something, and she wasn't there next to me. I walked out the bedroom to look for her, and when I got to the dining room I noticed the door to the kitchen was closed (it was *never* closed). Of course, having been through this before, I knew what was probably going on at that point.

I gently cracked open the door and heard all I needed to hear. When she finally heard/sensed me, the first thing she did was hang up and immediately hit a digit so I couldn't redial (land line).

It pretty much went downhill from there. I'll never forget that night. 

The first one I don't like to discuss too much, as it involved my best friend who was one of my groomsmen in our wedding. Looking back, I think I was more crushed by his betrayal than hers.


----------



## JVerida

I found transactions on our joint bank account for the movie he took his girlfriend and her three children (to three different men) to and paid for with his debit card. Then he accused me of investigating him like I belonged on CSI because I did the math on how many admissions it would take to equal such a large transaction at the movie theater. Then, when I pressed, he let me know that she was having a baby that she didn't know for sure whether it was his or some other guy that may or may not have date raped her. And then he flipped out on me that I was afraid of the diseases I might have been exposed to. I still remember that horrible sinking feeling so clearly. I never knew I could hate anyone like I hate him, for as much as I truly believed that I loved him.


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## FOH

Rugs said:


> Was it a gut feeling?
> 
> Did someone outside your marriage tell you?
> 
> Did the AP contact you?
> 
> Just a small poll on how you discovered the affair(s)


It was a gut feeling. His attitude and spending alot more trying to cover it up.

No, she still believes that he and I was separated and he continues to lie to her. 

I snooped through his email and found out.


----------



## Hurtin_Still

....in a guilt (and vodka) soaked confession ....my wife told me ...one week after it happened.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

It was like any other normal work day. Went down to the kitchen
to pour myself a cup of coffee and her cell was on the counter,
buzzing from a text from the OM. 

I opened her phone to see a picture of the OM half naked,
posing in a bathroom for her.

I dropped my coffee on the floor and was in total shock and disgust.
I knew what it meant... right away.


----------



## Paladin

She confessed to me unprompted, one of the most major reason we are 3 years in R.


----------



## arbitrator

*As painful as it is for me to reminisce about it, my XW and I married in the Spring of 2004, lived in a beautiful, spectacular, historic old home adorned full of Eastlake architecture. In it, we had a pair of old ornate sliding oaken doors that opened/closed into the study.

I had always thought that she was the happiest woman in the world. And even when she sat up late nights, sitting at my desk playing on the computer, and I'd wake up in the wee hours of the morning to see why she hadn't yet come to bed; pulling those doors open to hear her scream out as if someone was breaking in the house and the computer screen then summarily going "blank." And then with her assuring me that she would be to bed in a bit when she finished up her appointed tasks.

I was oblivious to it all, living as if I was the luckiest man in all of the world to have such a wonderful, caring wife. I trusted her implicitly, never ever suspecting a thing was ever wrong.

Was I a dumbass for being so trusting and for living in my own little state of euphoria? And then to find out some 2 years later that she was then busy FB'ing with her paramours, setting up her "business" rendezvous' with them.

A home is nothing more than an extension of one's love, heart, and soul and I was living in a false one, because I was all too loving and trusting.

I do know that I think that I'll never be that trusting with any woman ever again!


*


----------



## arbitrator

cantthinkstraight said:


> It was like any other normal work day. Went down to the kitchen
> to pour myself a cup of coffee and her cell was on the counter,
> buzzing from a text from the OM.
> 
> I opened her phone to see a picture of the OM half naked,
> posing in a bathroom for her.
> 
> I dropped my coffee on the floor and was in total shock and disgust.
> I knew what it meant... right away.


*I read your entire story, Cantthinkstraight! My profuse apologies. I know exactly how you feel about being blindsided like that! But with me being as trusting as I was, I never thought about answering my skanky XW's phone, raiding her texts, or email! Hell, I'd never even dream of getting into her purse for anything without procuring permission first.

For you to find out about her affair like that defies all sensibility!
I can well imagine what it is that you have gone through!*


----------



## jerry123

arbitrator said:


> *As painful as it is for me to reminisce about it, my XW and I married in the Spring of 2004, lived in a beautiful, spectacular, historic old home adorned full of Eastlake architecture. In it, we had a pair of old ornate sliding oaken doors that opened/closed into the study.
> 
> I had always thought that she was the happiest woman in the world. And even when she sat up late nights, sitting at my desk playing on the computer, and I'd wake up in the wee hours of the morning to see why she hadn't yet come to bed; pulling those doors open to hear her scream out as if someone was breaking in the house and the computer screen then summarily going "blank." And then with her assuring me that she would be to bed in a bit when she finished up her appointed tasks.
> 
> I was oblivious to it all, living as if I was the luckiest man in all of the world to have such a wonderful, caring wife. I trusted her implicitly, never ever suspecting a thing was ever wrong.
> 
> Was I a dumbass for being so trusting and for living in my own little state of euphoria? And then to find out some 2 years later that she was then busy FB'ing with her paramours, setting up her "business" rendezvous' with them.
> 
> A home is nothing more than an extension of one's love, heart, and soul and I was living in a false one, because I was all too loving and trusting.
> 
> I do know that I think that I'll never be that trusting with any woman ever again!
> 
> 
> *



I don't know if you have a story on here but just by reading that it comes to mind when I hear friends or family say "my wife would never cheat". I always say to them...Never say Never. 

You two still together? Edit: just noticed you wrote XW...good for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

*Mrs. A: The difference between you and those cheating women (and men) that can never come clean to ever admit their misdeeds is that they don't have an ounce of honesty, guilt, or remorse to be found anywhere in their souls.

You went down into the proverbial valley, bared your soul with all of it's ugly scars to your dear H, offering up even the minutest of the painful details, and summarily asked for and received his heartfelt forgiveness.

Because of your act of heartfelt contrition, rest assured that you are also forgiven in the Father's eyes, (Ref. Luke 7:44-50). Not all can say that! And unless they come to own up to their carnal transgressions, they summarily either put things off or hide their deeds in total seclusion until judgment when they'll be summoned to confess those clandestine misdeeds not only before the Father, but also in the presence of the aggrieved!

M'dear! Please consider yourself as clean as the new driven snow! Your testimony is more than a total inspiration to all of the people who either come to hear or read about it!*


----------



## joe kidd

Took a day off and used our desktop ( which was something I rarely did ). 
Her yahoo messenger was up and for some reason I checked it out. 

Everything was there for me to see. Went and got a case of beer, texted that she was effing dead to me and waited for the sh!tstorm to happen.


----------



## calvin

I knew something was up but could'nt find anything but love horoscope sites on her
phone,it was'nt my birday she was looking up.
She kept pushing for me to leave the house so I got her drunk one night and got her to
admit to it.
Some Jack n cokes brought it out pretty quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

calvin said:


> I knew something was up but could'nt find anything but love horoscope sites on her
> phone,it was'nt my birday she was looking up.
> She kept pushing for me to leave the house so I got her drunk one night and got her to
> admit to it.
> Some Jack n cokes brought it out pretty quick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*As tight as I am, Calvin, I probably would have been better justified in saturating my rich skanky XW in a mix of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill







and some detestable Rotgut!







*


----------



## LongWalk

Arb,

Did you ever expose your x to the church crowd?


----------



## arbitrator

LongWalk said:


> Arb,
> 
> Did you ever expose your x to the church crowd?


*Neither to her church or to her family or friends! My United Methodist pastor was dead-set against exposing it! After praying about it, I think he is correct!

To do so would be robbing God of the vengeance that He so demands! Now if she summarily ever confesses her transgressions to me,[highly unlikely] I'll totally forgive her, but I'd be an utter fool to ever forget about it!
*


----------



## calvin

Mine did expose herself for the most part after I kicked her out and she came to
her senses.
Two years in R,we're getting there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## antechomai

Interesting church turn.
Long before the days of TAM, I dealt with with this.

Something was really wrong between us. I did the laundry, and her underwear was tainted. I was, no, yes, no, for months, WTF.

I had always thought, conversations between a pastor and a congregant were sacrosanct. One day, I broke, needed to know who the F was she involved with and read the emails.

It was the pastor and I had to head for the sink. 

I was working on some decorations for the church that day, and when loading them up, pulled some wet paper towels from under the drivers seat as I loaded them in. I knew that smell.
It was "what are you doing to me God."

I did a "soft confront" that night with my wife and got nowhere. The next day I did a "soft confront" with him in his front yard. I knew, but neither could own up to my face.

A week later, the pastor was walked out of the church after giving full disclosure of what he did. 
It also took 6 months of Ambien before I could sleep a full night.

He at least owned up. I got divorced had went MGTOW for a couple years.


----------



## calvin

antechomai said:


> Interesting church turn.
> Long before the days of TAM, I dealt with with this.
> 
> Something was really wrong between us. I did the laundry, and her underwear was tainted. I was, no, yes, no, for months, WTF.
> 
> I had always thought, conversations between a pastor and a congregant were sacrosanct. One day, I broke, needed to know who the F was she involved with and read the emails.
> 
> It was the pastor and I had to head for the sink.
> 
> I was working on some decorations for the church that day, and when loading them up, pulled some wet paper towels from under the drivers seat as I loaded them in. I knew that smell.
> It was "what are you doing to me God."
> 
> I did a "soft confront" that night with my wife and got nowhere. The next day I did a "soft confront" with him in his front yard. I knew, but neither could own up to my face.
> 
> A week later, the pastor was walked out of the church after giving full disclosure of what he did.
> It also took 6 months of Ambien before I could sleep a full night.
> 
> He at least owned up. I got divorced had went MGTOW for a couple years.


 Oh Christ.
Sorry man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Whip Morgan

Cheating ex-fiancee left her phone out and I saw it as her OM texted her. Some dbag coworker. From what I've come to learn, it was a one-time sexual encounter but he was sending her "miss you" texts. Basically the dude was the bad-boy player type, worked on her and other coworkers. He was trying to work my ex again for another round.I originally found TAM years ago to help a friend..Turns out later that it helped me, too.

If I had not caught that text...I shudder to think!


----------



## bandit.45

arbitrator said:


> *Neither to her church or to her family or friends! My United Methodist pastor was dead-set against exposing it! After praying about it, I think he is correct!
> 
> To do so would be robbing God of the vengeance that He so demands! Now if she summarily ever confesses her transgressions to me,[highly unlikely] I'll totally forgive her, but I'd be an utter fool to ever forget about it!
> *


I think your pastor is a dolt. But do what you need to do Arb. If the man upstairs wants you to hold back then I guess you have to do what he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ShootMePlz!

God doesn't have to wait if he doesn't want to....there are a lot of ways to punish while they are alive as well!!!


----------



## Rugs

Just terrible, you just can't even make some of these up. 

Awful people. I can't imagine hurting someone that bad. Blahhhhh


----------



## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> I think your pastor is a dolt. But do what you need to do Arb. If the man upstairs wants you to hold back then I guess you have to do what he wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*I understand, Bandito! My heart is about as ravaged as anyone's could ever be! I loved that woman despite who she misrepresented herself to be and having all but driven me through her unscrupulous means to the brink of poverty, while she, through her prenup, still legally enjoys all of the benefits of her eight figure wealth!

Now, was any of that money mine? No! Nary a cent! And I lay no formal claim to it! She procured most of her "blood wealth" all on her own from her deceased first husband! And even in our very own divorce decree, she demanded a large insurance policy on my sorry a$$ in the event that I "kick off" so that she "would have something to pass on to my sons." Thank God, the Judge made her spring for the premiums. So I ask of you all: Who between myself and her skanky a$$ seems to be the ones to have the ingrained love of money? Certainly not me! Oh, I feel the pain alright ~ and therefore I can't help but feel that she should also share in that pain! But is that really my call anymore? I really don't think so!

I certainly cannot thank all of you guys here at TAM enough, who over the course of time, has helped me to get over that pain! Sure! I still have flare-ups from time to time, where nothing short of the flames of hell are not nearly good enough for my skanky XW. But as was explained to me, if she never repents, then there will be one agent in time that will arduously serve as judge and jury for her, causing her to answer before Him and any mortal who was aggrieved by her deceptive actions.

Yes I want justice, but is that really my call? Call me a fool, if you will, but I just have way too much faith in God. All that I do know is that I never want any part of her, in this life or any other!*


----------



## cantthinkstraight

arbitrator said:


> *I read your entire story, Cantthinkstraight! My profuse apologies. I know exactly how you feel about being blindsided like that! But with me being as trusting as I was, I never thought about answering my skanky XW's phone, raiding her texts, or email! Hell, I'd never even dream of getting into her purse for anything without procuring permission first.
> 
> For you to find out about her affair like that defies all sensibility!
> I can well imagine what it is that you have gone through!*


I can relate to every word you said above.

Jerry123 - I too live in MN.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

Oddly enough, my XWW told our kids that god has forgiven her.

She now wears a crucifix necklace, yet still doesn't attend church
and also happens to be drinking like a fish and (from what I know)
is still sleeping with the OM and trying to hurt me any chance she gets....

I guess we don't share the same god.


----------



## arbitrator

cantthinkstraight said:


> Oddly enough, my XWW told our kids that god has forgiven her.
> 
> She now wears a crucifix necklace, yet still doesn't attend church
> and also happens to be drinking like a fish and (from what I know)
> is still sleeping with the OM and trying to hurt me any chance she gets....
> 
> I guess we don't share the same God.


*They'll always attempt to justify their actions by any means necessary! Just usually not through God!*


----------



## jim123

cantthinkstraight said:


> Oddly enough, my XWW told our kids that god has forgiven her.
> 
> She now wears a crucifix necklace, yet still doesn't attend church
> and also happens to be drinking like a fish and (from what I know)
> is still sleeping with the OM and trying to hurt me any chance she gets....
> 
> I guess we don't share the same god.


Maybe god forgave her as long as she stays out of his house.


----------



## lordmayhem

Even 30 years ago, I still remember the DDay I had with the Ex Wife. I was wondering what was going on, all the classic signs: sex stopped, emotionally disconnected, etc, etc. We had an agreement that she would live with her parents and continue school, while I was stationed at an Air Force Base, 4 hours away. I would catch the bus home when I had enough days off. 

This time, I took a couple of days off, to surprise her, but still didn't have any suspicion anything was going on. When I came home, she was still at school, but I noticed an envelope on her dresser. Yeah, being the nosy guy I am, I opened it and lo and behold, a handwritten letter from her to the OM. Never heard of the guy before. When she got home, she was surprised I was there, and when I confronted her about the letter, she tried to play if off. She said that she was writing the letter for her friend who likes the guy. I was like, "Oh yeah? Then why the f*ck is your name at the bottom of the letter?" I guess I caught her off guard because that was a pretty stupid lie.


----------



## GBValley

Mine was different than most because she was a WAW. So she lied to me and told me we couldn't work it out even though I was almost begging we try. I never dreamed she was having an affair/exit affair, but then after that moment got suspicious, got the old trickle truth and it was only after she moved out to live with some "girls" I started to find out.

The big reveal was when I went to an extra in-the-family cleaning job we did together on Wednesday nights at a warehouse, I had stopped going because we were separated. Sitting there in the cafeteria with POS having dinner. I banged on the door and said "what the hells going on", she gave me the most evil wry smile I've ever seen like "so what?" and just waved and said "hi" in a sarcastic way and told him they should go into another room into the warehouse so I couldnt see them. I told the POS who had his back to me to face me like a man, and he wouldnt/couldnt.

I felt I was replaced just like that. She called me and told me she was calling the cops and she did. I hate to admit it I was a mess, I called her family and asked my BIL to come and get me. The cops were ****heads and in the end we just left. The thing that I hate the most is I spent time when I didn't know and even when I did know thinking I could win her back. I wish I knew about TAM a long time ago....I will post an update on my story when there's time, but managed to get in contact with POSOMs wife, and literally he is scum.


----------



## jack.c

GBValley said:


> ...I will post an update on my story when there's time, but managed to get in contact with POSOMs wife, and literally he is scum.



seems to me your (ex ?) wife is even worst then him


----------



## Thor

arbitrator said:


> *Mrs. A: The difference between you and those cheating women (and men) that can never come clean to ever admit their misdeeds is that they don't have an ounce of honesty, guilt, or remorse to be found anywhere in their souls.
> 
> You went down into the proverbial valley, bared your soul with all of it's ugly scars to your dear H, offering up even the minutest of the painful details, and summarily asked for and received his heartfelt forgiveness.*


*

This is getting a bit off on a tangent, but I wanted to add that what Mrs. A did in her R was go down the path which builds deep emotional intimacy. She exposed herself to the core, and was totally vulnerable. She took the risk that Mr. A would reject her, yet she did the tough thing anyway by being open to whatever he needed from her.

This is how trust is rebuilt, and this is how deep emotional intimacy is built. I think this is why some, but very few, couples find they are stronger and better after R than before the A even happened. Most of the time the WS flees from the hard work and avoids being vulnerable. The WS trickle truths, rug sweeps, and lies to cover up what really happened. There is no true vulnerability given or shown, and thus no chance for real deep emotional connection in R.*


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## jerry123

cantthinkstraight said:


> I can relate to every word you said above.
> 
> Jerry123 - I too live in MN.


I actually live in CT. When I signed up I put MN just so I would not get noticed if someone picked up on my posts or threads. 

I don't really care now and should change it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

Thor said:


> This is getting a bit off on a tangent, but I wanted to add that what Mrs. A did in her R was go down the path which builds deep emotional intimacy. She exposed herself to the core, and was totally vulnerable. She took the risk that Mr. A would reject her, yet she did the tough thing anyway by being open to whatever he needed from her.
> 
> This is how trust is rebuilt, and this is how deep emotional intimacy is built. I think this is why some, but very few, couples find they are stronger and better after R than before the A even happened. Most of the time the WS flees from the hard work and avoids being vulnerable. The WS trickle truths, rug sweeps, and lies to cover up what really happened. There is no true vulnerability given or shown, and thus no chance for real deep emotional connection in R.


*No truer words were ever said!*


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## mtn.lioness

I'm coming in kinda late... seeing how long this thread is... 

I had a sneaking suspicion... for a few months and was validated when I found the phone bill and there were over 3000 texts in one month to just one number. Looking back I knew something was off and our communication was vastly different...he was also spending a lot of money and put the kids and I in precarious situations. He was so cold when we'd talk and the times we did talk was seldom. (He was at a 3 month training and the affair was with a classmate).

And I'm also from Minnesota! But I moved about a year ago.


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## jorgegene

All summer long I was afraid something was going on. I would wake up nightmares in a cold sweat thinking about Mike and if she was making out with him or worse.....

But this night were in a loving mood, glaring into each other's eyes. She had that look of love on her face. She began to caress my face.

Then I said the wrong thing. I said "I just want us to be faithful to each other".

Her mood turned dark. She went dead silent. She said nothing. 
So finally I said "what's wrong, what did I say?"
So she said "I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret". 
After coaxing her for several minutes she finally said "I've been with someone". 

Me (stunned and then a minute of silence): "who was it?"

Her: "I'm not saying!"

Me: "You can tell me"

Her: "No, I'm not going to tell you.

Me: "I know who it was"

Her: "No you don't"

Me: "It was Mike"

Her: "..........yes"

Me: "I knew it. I had premonitions. I even wrote it in my diary"

Her: "Then your premonitions are all wrong"

Me: "was it good?"

Her: "it was ok."

Then she became really angry and chastised me. Then she said "I'm leaving!" So I said "ok". She said "you can sleep on the couch upstairs!" I said "ok."

Then I left too in a state of shock and horror. My nightmare was now real. I didn't sleep a wink that morning. I just waited for the morning to pack my things and leave. Morning came. I packed and walked out planning to walk into town, about 8 miles and get a bus out of town. After about 3 miles I got a ride into town. I tried all morning to get a ride to the city to no avail. there were no buses in the small town we were vacationing. I was stranded. I started walking the 30 miles to the City but stopped after a few miles coming to my senses. Finally I just got a motel room and stewed. I tried to sleep and make the pain go away but I couldn't. Later on that day she called me and picked me up. the rest of the week was uneasy truce. I never mentioned it again. She never did either.


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## WhiteRaven

jorgegene said:


> I never mentioned it again. She never did either.


wtf???????


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## convert

^^^ I was thinking the same thing

The trouble with rug sweeping it usually comes back to bite you, maybe 10 or more down the road or sooner


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## WhiteRaven

GBValley said:


> Mine was different than most because she was a WAW. So she lied to me and told me we couldn't work it out even though I was almost begging we try. I never dreamed she was having an affair/exit affair, but then after that moment got suspicious, got the old trickle truth and it was only after she moved out to live with some "girls" I started to find out.
> 
> The big reveal was when I went to an extra in-the-family cleaning job we did together on Wednesday nights at a warehouse, I had stopped going because we were separated. Sitting there in the cafeteria with POS having dinner. I banged on the door and said "what the hells going on", she gave me the most evil wry smile I've ever seen like "so what?" and just waved and said "hi" in a sarcastic way and told him they should go into another room into the warehouse so I couldnt see them. I told the POS who had his back to me to face me like a man, and he wouldnt/couldnt.
> 
> I felt I was replaced just like that. She called me and told me she was calling the cops and she did. I hate to admit it I was a mess, I called her family and asked my BIL to come and get me. The cops were ****heads and in the end we just left. The thing that I hate the most is I spent time when I didn't know and even when I did know thinking I could win her back. I wish I knew about TAM a long time ago....I will post an update on my story when there's time, but managed to get in contact with POSOMs wife, and literally he is scum.


I can think of so many ideas to scar your WW emotionally, and I don't even feel guilty.


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## jorgegene

WhiteRaven said:


> wtf???????


That's right. We never talked about it again. We separated soon after that for that and other reasons. She died about 14 months after that.


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## Paladin

jorgegene said:


> ... Later on that day she called me and picked me up. the rest of the week was uneasy truce. I never mentioned it again. She never did either.


We must be reading this wrong. You two never mentioned it again because you guys got a divorce and never saw each other again, right?

Otherwise it reads as if your wife told you she had an affair, threatened to leave you, then realized you would not do anything of consequence about either fact, and placed you squarely in the "backup plan" coulomb, where you seem to happily reside.

So I guess next time she feels like screwing Mike, Jim, Larry, Phil, or all of them at once, she knows she can just come back to her comfy life with you and neither one of you will "ever mention it again."

Is she comfortable with the idea of you having sex with other women? If the answer is no, then you will end up living in a one sided open marriage. Nothing quite like wondering if you are going to taste another man when you kiss her/go down on her for the rest of your life. 

Please, please, please, address this issue openly with her, maybe in a couples counseling session. Otherwise you will just end up with massive heart ache later in life.

edit: didnt see you reply before posting this, I'll leave it up in case anyone actually thinks this to be a viable way of handling an affair


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## WhiteRaven

jorgegene said:


> That's right. We never talked about it again. We separated soon after that for that and other reasons. She died about 14 months after that.


I am sounding cold hearted but her death released you from the desire to dig out the truth.


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## jorgegene

WhiteRaven said:


> I am sounding cold hearted but her death released you from the desire to dig out the truth.


I already knew the truth. She admitted it in front of me.
There was no further discovery to be made, other than how many times, et.

We separated after that although we still had some contact. I thought about reconciling the next few months.
It was my first marriage and I wasn't prepared for the cheating.
Like a lot of other people here, I was in denial and still in love.

But separate we did. She continued to play games, although I never found out if she was with anybody else while we were separated. A few months after we separated she moved back to her home state. Then I lost contact. Then a few months after her moving I got a call from her best gal friend that she was found dead in her home after three days.

Yes her death released me. But I still agonize over her cheating and her death. I'm remarried and happy now, but it still haunts me.


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## Moonfly

The first time he told me because the girl's boyfriend was going to tell if he didn't. The second time the girl and her boyfriend came to our house to tell me. The girl was a patient of his. Both times the girls were 20 years younger than him.


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## ClairesDad

I found out about my wife's affair because she left her Kindle out. I had just gotten back home from being out of town and my wife was at lunch with my stepson. I'd had somewhat of a gut feeling for months that something was amiss, but no proof. Her AIM account was open on her Kindle and all the proof I needed was right there. They had spent the night before together. even were laughing about the fact I had no clue. The affair had lasted 6 months. I confronted her and she admitted everything. We tried R until, a month later, I found a secret email account that showed she had continued a relationship with another man almost the entire time we had been married (3+ years). Plus, all the contact info about her AP had been sent to this account as well. Needless to say, we are separated, heading to divorce.

My first wife, who I had been married to for 15 years and with whom I had two children, had her affair(s) exposed through a VAR. I had deep suspicians that she was cheating for awhile, but didn't want to believe them. I even felt ashamed that I was thinking such a thing. I finally broke down and bought a VAR, connected it to our phone line, and the next day I had all the proof I would ever need. She was having an affair, and had had an affair. She liked to tell her best friend all the juicy details. Mind you, both of my wives were supposedly good church-going Christian women.


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## LongWalk

What are juicy details for women? The sex or the romance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClairesDad

My ex-wife liked to talk about the sex.


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## arbitrator

*From my experience, the older that they get, the more women absolutely love to talk about the sex, or the lack thereof!*


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## confusedFather

I've posted in other threads how my MIL really screwed up my wife's head in all she exposed her to growing up. I've also posted that the MIL told me about my wife's first ONS for revenge purposes. Here's the whole story.

My wife has a half brother that is 30 years old and still lives with MIL. He has never had a job that lasted more than 2 months. They both stay high pretty much all the time and are constantly scheming out how to get money to pay for their lifestyle. Somehow one of them got it into their head that they were going to file a complaint against my FIL. 

FIL and MIL divorced when my wife was 12 but they still lived together for 15 years afterwards and FIL raise BIL as his own since real dad split when MIL got pregnant. They decided to accuse him of molestation. They solicited my wife to help corroborate the story. They said “We think Jerry (FIL) used to molest Michael (BIL) don’t you remember how strange he used to act?” My wife said she never saw any evidence of this. Then MIL says he used to molest you too. BIL then says “Don’t you remember the time he tried to rape you on the kitchen floor?” Wife’s says she knows the incident they framed this around and that did not happen and they were crazy for suggesting it. BIL would have only been about 2yrs old at the time so we know MIL was coaching him in this story. We were already estranged from them and this was the first contact in about 6 months. This was the last straw and my wife told them not to contact us ever again. Two days later I got the call.

I was at work and my cell phone rang. I saw it was MIL and did not answer but she left a message. I will never forget the pure hatred and vitriol of her voice nor the message it conveyed. “Joyce (wife) has hurt me so now I’m done protecting her. I want her to hurt the way she hurt me. One time when you were gone in the Navy she cheated on you. Well now you know. Oh, and by the way, Rob (youngest son) is not yours.” My wife never told her mother she had any doubts about Rob; she just threw that in to give the proverbial knife an extra twist. This call was more than 20 years after the ONS.

My MIL has lied about so many things through the years I immediately thought she was lying. However, I started thinking about all the red flags I rug swept so many years earlier. I became a little anxious. Rob needed to use my car that day so my wife had dropped me off at work and I had no way to leave. When she picked me up I went to the gym as planned. It was the first time in a while due to an injury. I had a anxiety attack while sparring and had to quit. I played it off as hyper ventilating due to being out of shape. We left and I told her we couldn’t go home yet. I drove to a park and we sat at a secluded picnic table and I told her about the call. She broke down and told me everything including a second ONS about 18 months after the first. Her attitude during those early days went a long way to making R possible.


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## manticore

confusedFather said:


> Oh, and by the way, Rob (youngest son) is not yours.” My wife never told her mother she had any doubts about Rob; she just threw that in to give the proverbial knife an extra twist. This call was more than 20 years after the ONS.


did you test your son? (I mean I know that does not matter what at this point, he is your son, but did you check if your MIL story was real?)


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## confusedFather

manticore said:


> did you test your son? (I mean I know that does not matter what at this point, he is your son, but did you check if your MIL story was real?)


No. On dday we told him about it and asked him. He said it didn't matter I was his dad regardless and he didn't care to find out. 

He's awesome and it has not come up again between us. I did some calendar math and it looks like he is mine but there is a small degree of doubt but I'm not willing to damage our relationship. If he ever brings it up and wants a test I'll do it. I rarely even think about it anymore.

This became a topic of discussion on another thread about a month ago but I can't remember which one. It was kind of a thread-jack. If you search my posts you can probably find it if you want more details.


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## MCKD

After a few weeks of bizarre behavior and vicious arguments that seemed to spawn from nothing I was up late on evening and decided to check my brothers facebook page on her tablet and boom, there it was in black and white. I watched her for a few days and then I dropped the hammer and told her and him on her facebook page ( I gained access to her account ) that if their little EA crap continued I would get pretty mean and vicious myself. 

She confessed, He turned out to be a moron and my wife and I are closer than ever and she realized how she almost threw away her family and her husband. 

We are still recovering and doing very well thanks to this forum and a few particular members that offered the best advice ever.


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## WhiteRaven

If your spouse starts guarding their phone and spout privacy crap, it's an A. I learned it firsthand.


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## arbitrator

WhiteRaven said:


> *If your spouse starts guarding their phone and spout privacy crap, it's an A.* I learned it firsthand.


*Just one of the many elements of the Cheaters Mantra!*


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## standinginthegap

In January of 2013 he told me he wanted a divorce, I thought it had to be more than that. I started to go through his phone for anything I could find to prove I was right but kept coming up with nothing. Finally in March two days after our child had passed I found myself going through his phone again while he was in the shower and there it was the thing I was looking for. A text message from him to his best friend saying "I think I'm gonna tell her I cheated so she can stop asking me to work it out" to which she responded don't do it she's gonna take your kids away.


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## Paladin

standinginthegap said:


> A text message from him to his best friend saying "I think I'm gonna tell her I cheated so she can stop asking me to work it out" to which she responded don't do it she's gonna take your kids away.



I threw up a little in my mouth reading that last part. That text exchange redefines toxic/dysfunctional behavior and sinks it to a new low. I am sorry you are dealing with this pain, and I hope you find peace and happiness as soon as possible. Your WS is a coward, and should consider no longer calling himself a man. I'm assuming he has not directly said he was not interested in working things out with you, right?


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## SADDesign

Well, his summer girlfriend (we were apart for several months due to relocation) finally got tired of waiting for him to leave me in order to marry her. So, she showed up on my doorstep one afternoon and introduced herself. I could hardly understand her as she doesn't really speak English. She handed me a cryptic letter and a bunch of pictures of them together over the summer. Then she turned around and left.


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## rustytheboyrobot

Oh can't forget that day.

I'll just leave out the hundred red flags I was too trusting and naive to recognize. I mean they were there and I thought about them all the time but the cognitive dissonance was strong.

Her precious phone which I was never allowed to touch was there.

We had just finished having passionate sex and she wanted to go downstairs and play on the computer. Our son had just woken up from his nap. I told her I'd watch him and she could go downstairs. I figured she'd play Plants Vs. Zombies.

So I'm playing with my son. Putting him at the top of his little slide and catching him as he goes down. And what do I spy out of the corner of my little eye? Her phone. On the couch. Weird, right?

Earlier that day she had told me that she put up a new picture on Facebook and lots of random guys she didn't know were making comments about how beautiful she was. (I didn't use facebook back then so I had no idea how it actually worked).

But I thought, cool, guys think my wife is beautiful. Wonder if I can see any of these comments?

Open phone. Open messages.

Die inside.

Two minutes before I open it he is telling her that he is going to f*** her up the a** until she screams and screams his name and *worse*.

Before I killed someone I grabbed two sets of clothes, my pillow, and ran out of there. My brain didn't start working for two months. I slept an hour a night if I was lucky.

And how she changed. She went into full attack mode and did everything she could to destroy my life completely for the next three months until this place (THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!) taught me how to protect myself.

Now I record everything (even though she says it's "creepy" and has begged me to stop) and I try to put her out of my mind.

But almost half of my life I loved this girl who looks exactly like her, who sounds exactly like her, who smells exactly like her.... But I don't know who this person raising my son is. I don't know where that girl I loved went. And I have no idea what to do about any of it.


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## arbitrator

*So sorry to hear that Rusty! My heart totally goes out to you!*


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