# Want input from other single moms with new live in bf



## tpb72

Hi all,

I'm a very independant 38 year old single parent with an (almost) 6 year old at home. I have a good full time job and moonlight a little bit part time for extra spending cash.

The love of my life is moving in with me effective June 1st although you may as well say he already lives with me, he just also pays rent elsewhere until June 1st. He is 34 and doesn't have any children.

The relationship between the man and I is exceptional but we're still feeling ourselves around the relationship between the boys.

A lot of this revolves around how much I work. Ultimately, my son is my responsibility not the new guy. Because of this, I only ever ask the bf to watch my son once in a blue moon for a short duration of time. My family is local and they do a lot to help me out with babysitting and such.

The bf is active in the community and ends up out a lot where I'm a little restricted in this regard because I have a child to be home with. Basically, he lives a single lifestyle and I live a family lifestyle.

I don't feel the need to be joined at the hip with the guy or anything but I'm a little worried that I'm going to start feeling resentful over his excursions out of the house.

An example of this came up on this past Saturday. I had already worked 6 days straight - had only Saturday at home and then would be working 6 more days straight. A friend was also having a birthday supper at a local pub. There was no question that I was going to be staying home, but the bf felt he should go and make an appearance at the friend's birthday. (By the way, this isn't a close friend or anything.)

I really didn't like it that he decided to go out. It wasn't like we missed out on any us time because my focus that evening was to spend some quality time with my boy as well as some housework but I just felt like he shouldn't have gone out either. I am overdue for goinging out and letting my hair down but due to being a working parent I don't have time for that right now.

Obviously I'm going to have to talk to the bf about this so it doesn't turn into a major issue but I'm trying to work this stuff out in my mind first. I am thinking I'm being very unreasonable to be honest but was hoping to get some input from others that have gone through this.


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## magnoliagal

You said it yourself he is living the single life and it appears as though he expects that to stay the same even after moving in with you. However you work A LOT so I don't think it's fair to expect him to sit around and wait for you. But if my husband chose to go out on my only day off I'd be upset. I mean sure I'm cool if it's something important like a best friends wedding but you said this wasn't even a close friend.

I'd discuss how you feel with him calmly and see what response you get. You are wise to negotiate this now before he officially moves in.


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## Freak On a Leash

magnoliagal said:


> You are wise to negotiate this now before he officially moves in.


:iagree: :iagree:

I gotta say, you couldn't pay me enough money to move in with a single parent who has a 6 year old. I think your BF is making a big mistake. I wouldn't let him move in. He should keep his own residence and you should live separately and keep on dating. When your child is old enough to be on his own (I guess that's 12 years?) THEN you do what you are doing now. Yeah, I know it sounds harsh but that's how I feel and that's my .02.... It's worth what you paid for it.  

However, keep in mind that I never intend to live with ANYONE again. I'm having serious doubts about my ever living with my husband again! I love the single life and will never give up that freedom again. That said:

If I should ever find myself single and met a guy with really young kids, especially if they lived with him, it would be a no brainer. I'd end the relationship right away. I've raised my kids for the most part and I don't want anything to do with anyone else's. Your BF has to decide if he occupies the same state of mind as I do. I don't think he realizes it yet, but I think he shares this sentiment to some extent. 

You and your SO need to sit down before he gives up his place and REALLY hash this out. I think you are both making a huge mistake.


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## TNgirl232

My 2 cents - if your committed enough for him to be living with you - then your committed enough for him to take part in raising the child to a certain degree. Your child is going to look up to him as a father figure - especially with him right there in the house - so he needs to step up and act like one. If he doesn't want to - or isn't ready - then I wouldn't let him move in.


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## tpb72

I may have over simplified thing here. He is in complete understanding what he is getting himself into and what his role will be. Since the dad is in the picture it's a little tricky figuring out all the boundaries that will be necessary and that's where we are now. It's just going to take some time.

He is showing himself to be excellent step-father material. Doesn't talk down to the boy - talking to him like a person, shows and explains all kinds of things to him, pays attention to him, corrects him at appropriate times, backs up my rules (even if he doesn't agree with them) and holy crap is he consistent!

Last Saturday night there really wouldn't have been any reason for him to stick around, he would have just been left to his own devices anyways. I think I got irritated with him over it because of jealousy since as I said, I'm overdue for some socialization. I'm just getting a little stressed over working so much.

I don't want it to become the habit that he goes out and I stay at home all bitter so am trying to brainstorm how we can work this out. 

I think I have a few pretty good ideas. 

First thing is we need to find a babysitter. With me working so much I'm maxing out what is reasonable to ask the family to watch my little buddy. Because of this, I am just not going out at all anymore. 

I feel really weird about this next point but I think I'm going to have to ask him to watch my kid to go out once in a while for coffee with my girlfriends. I do ask him to watch him but only when I'm stuck and it's for something important (like work). 

We can't let date night slip ... which we have for like the last 2 months. 

We need to develop our kid friendly friends a little more. As a couple we are getting into the "couple" type friends. It's quite common for the bf and I to join with a couple for some cards or something but it seems we are doing this with kidless couples. We do have some options to get together with couples that have kids of a similar age to mine but these arrangements are a little more work so after a few reschedules we let them slip. I think these friendships would definitely be worth the little bit of work.

Anyone else have any thoughts?


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## Freak On a Leash

So do you two intend to get married at some point?


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## tpb72

Well, we're not engaged or anything but we have talked that this is something that is in our future if things continue going the way they have between us. That being said, marriage is more important to him than it is to me.


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## AvaTara539

You two need a date night. You should have hired a babysitter and gone to his friends bday supper with him. Not spending enough time together away from the kids is a major relationship killer. Do yourself a favor and hire a sitter for one night a week and commit to it, I bet things would improve vastly if you did!


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