# 180 support thread? How many of us are in the same boat?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Just in posting and reading other people's posts, it seems like there are quite a few of us in a marriage where we want to hold on and our spouse is uncertain. We know we need to give them space and let them be, but it's so difficult! 

Post here if you're in this boat. We can talk each other down from the ledge. And we can relate to each other. Post your successes and your failures. We can do this, right?!

I need some talking down right now. I want to post on his facebook wall, "I love you... the good, the bad, and the in-between... all of you" so SOMEBODY PLEASE TALK ME DOWN!  Why is it that I know what I should do, but I can't break my old ways? The same old is getting no results, so I need to try something different!

My success is that it's noon, and he's off today, and I haven't called him even though I haven't heard from him and have no idea what he's doing. :smthumbup: Now I'm going to get dressed and take my kids to do something fun. I can do this.

ETA: For those needing a reminder, here are your 180 rules: 

[Copyrighted content removed by request of copyright holder http://www.divorcebusting.com/]


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oops, take that back. He just texted, "Hope K is feeling better and T's knee feels better and you all have a great day. Love you guys." Is no response rude? I'm having a hard time finding the balance between indifferent, mad, rude, desperate, etc. Lately I've waited hours to respond to these types of texts.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The 180 concept can work. It had an impact in recovering my marriage. I read Love Must be Tough by Dobson. Some of his concepts are pretty harsh so I used what I would call LMBT-Lite. But when I quit pursuing her she quit backing away. The more confidence I showed in both myself and in our marriage the more she drew back. 180 was only part of the solutions for us but it did have an impact. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Can you post what some of those Tough Love concepts are? Someone else has mentioned that book to me before saying it's awesome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Oops, take that back. He just texted, "Hope K is feeling better and T's knee feels better and you all have a great day. Love you guys." Is no response rude? I'm having a hard time finding the balance between indifferent, mad, rude, desperate, etc. Lately I've waited hours to respond to these types of texts.



DO NOT post the I LOVE YOU on his FB. Not at all. Dont ever chase someone who's running away from you. 

You could tell him "The kids are feeling better. Thanks." And leave it at that.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Me.. I am in this boat and feeling sea sick!!! 

You have children as do I, so NC isn't going to work, but limited contact is the way forward.. 

Let him contact you, not the other way round NO relationship talk.. God I want to tell my H that I love him, but the last time I did (other than my goodbye msg) he said "That doesn't change anything" ... and like the 180 says they're not being very loveable right now..

If he texts you.. short but sweet msgs back, you don't have to be rude or anything, I am learning too remember, but I would have said, "Thank you, you too" 

If I am unsure, I come here and ask... sounds lame.. but I have been followed advice, and done some serious damage control..if left to my own devices, I would have probably got myself into some arguements...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks, I hadn't responded and he messaged me on facebook.  I kept it calm and cool. I even ended the conversation! Yay me! Asked what we were doing and I asked what he was doing. I didn't post on his wall at all. Nothing. He initiates contact, and I end it after keeping it brief and not about the relationship. 

Just a question though. When he texts "love you guys" how do I respond? And on the phone, most times he'll end with "love you" do I say it back? I have been most times but not all. I'm afraid he'll stop saying it. I'm a wreck, and overthinking things I'm sure. Once home and settled into the routine of being separated, I can and will do better. It's just torture right now.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thanks, I hadn't responded and he messaged me on facebook.  I kept it calm and cool. I even ended the conversation! Yay me! Asked what we were doing and I asked what he was doing. I didn't post on his wall at all. Nothing. He initiates contact, and I end it after keeping it brief and not about the relationship.
> 
> Just a question though. When he texts "love you guys" how do I respond? And on the phone, most times he'll end with "love you" do I say it back? I have been most times but not all. I'm afraid he'll stop saying it. I'm a wreck, and overthinking things I'm sure. Once home and settled into the routine of being separated, I can and will do better. It's just torture right now.


Go you! Very proud of you Chick! 

Well as for the 'I love you's' I wouldn't reply.. if he says it to the kids they say it back.. when he is back with you and working on R then you can say it.. that's my opinion.. When I went in for my Op on Monday, my H said "I love you".. I love him sooo much but if he was really in love with me, he would be here.. 

I overthink EVERYTHING it's a curse


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

NC isin't really an option for me, and I would dearly love to post a msg to her saying: "I love you... the good, the bad, and the in-between... all of you" but I also know it would be a waste of my time & emotions, so 180 as best I can, I doubt whether we will ever get back together no matter how much I want us to though.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

If my husband came back & told me how sorry he was etc etc, I might consider working on our relationship. 

But right now, I have resigned myself to the horrible facts of what he has done, and am getting on with my life without him. I'm too good for that sh!t.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> If my husband came back & told me how sorry he was etc etc, I might consider working on our relationship.
> 
> But right now, I have resigned myself to the horrible facts of what he has done, and am getting on with my life without him. I'm too good for that sh!t.


High five for you, Baby!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> High five for you, Baby!


LOL THANKS! :smthumbup:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Can you post what some of those Tough Love concepts are? Someone else has mentioned that book to me before saying it's awesome.


It's been three years since I read it but the thing that struck me the most was to show I was willing to do what ever was needed in support of the marriage but if it didn't work out, I'd be fine and move on with my life. It helped me to rebuild my confidence that was at a life time low at that point and gave me a sense of control and ownership of the situation.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh..and GET the damn estranged spouses off your Facebook! What is WITH that? That's ONE way of asking for trouble. 

How can you do the 180 and then have them on FACEBOOK? It makes no sense.. :scratchhead:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> If my husband came back & told me how sorry he was etc etc, I might consider working on our relationship.


Would have to be a fair amount of MC sessions between myself & W if were to ever happen.



> But right now, I have resigned myself to the horrible facts of what he has done, and am getting on with my life without him. I'm too good for that sh!t.


you are, and we are !!


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I am in the same boat!!! And I don't like the boat anymore....I am ready to get off of it.....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Just in posting and reading other people's posts, it seems like there are quite a few of us in a marriage where we want to hold on and our spouse is uncertain. We know we need to give them space and let them be, but it's so difficult!


I think this may be why the 180 is so workable for me. I"m coming at it from a different angle. 

Presently (can't say this was always the case) I DON'T want to hold on. At one time I did and THAT is when sticking to the 180 was so difficult. But as of late I've let go and suddenly the 180 isn't a problem at all. I feel as if I've turned a corner and am now on a totally different road. 

My spouse is definitely uncertain. Actually he's pretty far gone. Whatever, it's all on him on now. I'm done with dealing with him and his issues. 

Giving him space isn't a problem. If I could, I'd walk away completely. No can do because of several reasons..Kids, finances, etc. The 180 helps me deal with what contact I DO have with him. I don't look at it as a way to reunite with him but rather to break away emotionally. 

Does that make sense at all?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh..and GET the damn estranged spouses off your Facebook! What is WITH that? That's ONE way of asking for trouble.
> 
> How can you do the 180 and then have them on FACEBOOK? It makes no sense.. :scratchhead:


yes, you can, you don't have to interact with them, if they choose to follow your every post, that is their problem.
My W unfriended me, but she can still see anything I post (I can't see anything on her FB page though - and thats fine).
She can't post to my FB page, though both she & I can post private message to each other, not that that has happened.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

denise1218 said:


> I am in the same boat!!! And I don't like the boat anymore....I am ready to get off of it.....


before you get off the boat, make sure you are at the jetty !


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Just a question though. When he texts "love you guys" how do I respond? And on the phone, most times he'll end with "love you" do I say it back? I have been most times but not all. I'm afraid he'll stop saying it..


My husband says the same thing. I'll say "Same here!" Sometimes I do say "Love ya too!" But I never say it first. 

It doesn't MEAN anything to me. So he says he loves me! But he still drinks like a parched fish and then treats me like crap so he may as well be saying "The sky is orange." Who the heck gives a damn?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> My husband says the same thing. I'll say "Same here!" Sometimes I do say "Love ya too!" But I never say it first.
> 
> It doesn't MEAN anything to me. So he says he loves me! But he still drinks like a parched fish and then treats me like crap so he may as well be saying "The sky is orange." Who the heck gives a damn?


I don't have that problem


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> yes, you can, you don't have to interact with them, if they choose to follow your every post, that is their problem.
> My W unfriended me, but she can still see anything I post (I can't see anything on her FB page though - and thats fine).
> She can't post to my FB page, though both she & I can post private message to each other, not that that has happened.


Ok..but why give them access? It just gives them more ammunition to use against you. Plus, how comfortable can you be posting and being yourself if they are there? :scratchhead:

I don't know..I don't get the whole Facebook thing. It's just not my scene. To each his/her own.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Babyheart said:


> If my husband came back & told me how sorry he was etc etc, I might consider working on our relationship.


I wrote this earlier. If my husband did that I'd wonder if the pod people came and took him away and replaced him. :rofl: "Ok, who are you and what did you do with my husband?" 

:lol:

Anyway. He can talk 'til he's blue in the face but until he goes to detox/rehab, is sober for a least a year and we get counseling there's not even a beginning, never mind an end. The odds of even ONE of that happening are slimmer than me becoming Donald Trump's next wife. 

I'll probably never live with him again. No loss, I like being single. Wouldn't mind keeping him as a boyfriend and lover though, provided he reverts back to be fun and happy and..oh yeah..SOBER. 

Not holding my breath on any of that. Onward and upward I say!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. And Freak, you have great points. 

I've almost made it through a whole day with my 180 intact. that facebook conversation this morning, then he called me at 8 to say goodnight to the kids, had a pleasant convo about our day, he asked to talk to them, they did, I considered then just hanging up the phone without getting back on, but I didn't. Talked for a second then he said he was going to go, said "love you" and I said "ok". That was it. 

I can't bear to delete him off my facebook. We are listed as married to each other and I don't want anyone knowing our business, especially that damn ex gf that's preying on him. And we have some productive chats on facebook. But this week he's not on there, avoidance I suppose. I just hope he's not talking to that chick at night instead of playing online.  

I'm still really weak. I called a friend today to keep from calling him and interrogating him. I have to leave him be. I'm going to start going to the gym with my friend this week, I have to do this for me. I have to be strong.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Ok..but why give them access? It just gives them more ammunition to use against you. Plus, how comfortable can you be posting and being yourself if they are there? :scratchhead:
> 
> I don't know..I don't get the whole Facebook thing. It's just not my scene. To each his/her own.


Well, in my case she was a FB friend when we were together, and I am pretty comfortable posting whatever I post, if there is something I don't want her to see I set the status bit on the msg to hide it from her.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. And Freak, you have great points.
> 
> I'm still really weak. I called a friend today to keep from calling him and interrogating him. I have to leave him be. I'm going to start going to the gym with my friend this week, I have to do this for me. I have to be strong.


Sounds like a plan thats worth running with...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I know you're struggling with this.

Here is one simple tactic that I used in an effort to stop perceiving my ex as some kind of flawed 'saint'. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, or presumed that she wasn't capable of being cruel or deceitful ...

all which of course is delusional. 

The tactic I used was to presume the worst. Weird? Maybe. But it worked.

I stopped wondering if she was having an affair. She was having an affair.
I stopped wondering if she was telling me the truth. I assumed she was never going to tell me the truth.
I stopped wondering if she loved me. If she loved me ... we wouldn't have separated, she wouldn't have been having an affair and lying to me. 

So ... With that in mind.

Yes, your husband IS talking to ex-girlfriend. He is sharing his anguish over the circumstances you face, and she is 'supporting' him, she 'gets' him. Bullsh!t. He is sharing with someone else, what he should be sharing with you .

As for the 'I love you' piece? Does he? He certainly isn't demonstrating anything remotely looking like love to me. What it sounds like to me is cake eating, although he would no doubt deny it. He doesn't know what he wants, so he's fishing. This is why he's talking with the ex ... and telling you he loves you. He says the words because he knows it keeps you invested and engaged.

What I wish you would do is insist that he get treatment. Because NONE of this improves while he is minimizing his depression.

Next time he says "I love you." take this for a spin:

"If you love me, get help. Otherwise do me a favor and stop saying that. They are words, and under the circumstances, they are meaningless."

Otherwise, stick with 

"Ok."

"Thanks."

"How sweet."

Or go a little negative:

"Sure you do."

"Really?"

"Great."

How can you take anything he says seriously when he refuses to address one of the core issues surrounding your separation?

At the same time, you would benefit from strengthening your own 'core'. You don't need this guy to survive. You don't need this guy to be happy. The sooner you can accept those facts, the 'healthier' you become, and it will enable you to see him in an entirely different light. You will either love him despite his flaws, or recognize that this is not someone that will truly love you and enrich your life.


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

I am in the same boat and it's tearing me apart. I am just really lonely. I miss the times he would come home from work, we would eat as a family, play with the kids, and then when they would go to bed, we would have some time alone...our relationship really wasn't that bad, but for the last 6 months or so, he has been having anxiety issues and has been withdrawing...I noticed, but thought it would pass...little did I know. 
Now, I try to keep myself busy...I get anxiety around the time he used to come home and that is when I break down...just wondering how I am going to get through the night by myself...but last night I did ok...I worked on homework, texted my friends, and watched tv.
I did make a mistake though, I texted my H and told him if he was bored later, to give me a call...he texted me instead and we had a nice convo...but I didn't talk about the relationship or anything...so I am making progress...it's just so hard, I feel like I am going through withdrawls or something. I do good for a little while and then I break down in tears....but I am not going to let him see the worry or the pain...at least I am trying very hard not too, it's just so hard! 
Hang in there everyone and let's keep eachother posted about our progress...it seems like that is my only hope as of now. Hugs!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I can't bear to delete him off my facebook. We are listed as married to each other and I don't want anyone knowing our business, especially that damn ex gf that's preying on him. And we have some productive chats on facebook. But this week he's not on there, avoidance I suppose. I just hope he's not talking to that chick at night instead of playing online.
> 
> I'm still really weak. I called a friend today to keep from calling him and interrogating him. I have to leave him be. I'm going to start going to the gym with my friend this week, I have to do this for me. I have to be strong.


You are going to backslide. We all do. I was stupid enough to go over to my H's house and sit and drink and smoke with him, then fight with him and THEN have sex (well, kinda..it was pretty lame ). Talk about a slide right back into the hole. 

BIG difference is that I was able to shrug it off my faster than I had previously and I went on from there. Haven't seen him in two weeks. When he called last Sunday to give me crap I was just pleasant and nonconfrontational. He hung on me all irritated and I never called him back. 

So the only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from.  Expect that you are going to be weak and fall off the wagon, then climb back on.

The reason I say delete him off FB is two fold. One, it's a temptation and another point of contact that can provide conflict and grief. No reason for it.

Two, taking him off sends a message in itself. It's another way of saying that YOU are moving on and if he doesn't want to be IN your life, he can't have that kind of access to it. 

IF he is INDEED looking to hook up with an ex GF he's going to do it REGARDLESS. Why do you need to check up on it or know about it? In this case, ignorance IS bliss. If you don't have him on your account then you don't know if he is or isn't on and that's one less thing to worry or think about. This is what "moving forward" is all about. 

Keep your status as "married" because until you are divorced, technically you are. If anyone asks you then say "Yes, I'm married" No need to elaborate. 

I don't know, maybe it's me but I don't much care what others think of say about me or my marriage. It's a screwed up marriage. I'm not ashamed of that. Everyone has problems. Maybe it's a by product of growing older...I just don't give a damn about what others think. 

I'd rather not know what my husband is doing anyway. He doesn't even have a computer now. He gave his laptop to my son to "borrow" while he fixes my son's computer and knowing my husband's track record as of late when it comes to getting things done I think my son is now the proud of owner of a new laptop. :smthumbup::rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I know you're struggling with this.
> 
> Here is one simple tactic that I used in an effort to stop perceiving my ex as some kind of flawed 'saint'. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, or presumed that she wasn't capable of being cruel or deceitful ...
> 
> ...


Now THAT is smart thinking! :smthumbup: I didn't use that sort of logical thinking to get to that conclusion but I pretty much came to the same place. I just took a different path getting there. 

After all my husband has said and done he's pretty much convinced me that my only recourse is to move on. I pretty much assume that contact with him will be turn bad, even if it starts out good, so I limit it now. 

And yes, if he loved so much he'd get sober. So I'm not his priority and neither is the marriage or his family so trying to convince him otherwise is just the proverbial "banging your head against the wall" and I'm not into headaches. :bang head:

My mantra is "Expect for the worst, hope for and strive for the best and accept and deal with what is"



> At the same time, you would benefit from strengthening your own 'core'. You don't need this guy to survive. You don't need this guy to be happy. The sooner you can accept those facts, the 'healthier' you become, and it will enable you to see him in an entirely different light. You will either love him despite his flaws, or recognize that this is not someone that will truly love you and enrich your life.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Man, that is SO correct. We should put that on the TOP of every thread and reread it about 50 times! :smthumbup:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The tactic I used was to presume the worst. Weird? Maybe. But it worked.
> 
> I stopped wondering if she was having an affair. She was having an affair.
> I stopped wondering if she was telling me the truth. I assumed she was never going to tell me the truth.
> ...


To say I'm struggling is an understatement. The last 24 hours have been eye opening. I sit and wonder if he was ever happy. If I can make him happy. I think he feels trapped in the marriage and instead of communicating what he needs he just deals with it until he's miserable. Our marriage made him depressed. He cares about me as a best friend and someone he's shared 14 years with, and it hurts him to hurt me. So in the sake of "protecting me" he's crushed me. It's so hard to believe that this is the man that stood in front of everyone 10 years ago and bawled his eyes out as we exchanged vows. 

It's just not in my nature to be negative and think the worst. My mind goes there, but if I convince myself of those things I can't help but be angry and spiteful. Love the line about getting help. A little too deep for a text, but definitely something to say in the next week over the phone or in person. He texted this morning around 9, which is a change over the later ones lately. Haven't responded yet. Why does everything have to be so hard? And I promise, I AM working on strengthening me. As hard as that is, I am going to do it. 




scleary8100 said:


> I am in the same boat and it's tearing me apart. I am just really lonely.
> 
> I do good for a little while and then I break down in tears....but I am not going to let him see the worry or the pain...at least I am trying very hard not too, it's just so hard!
> Hang in there everyone and let's keep eachother posted about our progress...it seems like that is my only hope as of now. Hugs!


Stay strong! It sucks to share this common pain, but let's keep each other updated. You should be proud of yourself. Celebrate each success. Our husbands know what they're doing is wrong, and they feel some sort of guilt, but they are still putting themselves first, above their family commitment. So it's time for us to put ourselves and our kids first. 




Freak On a Leash said:


> So the only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from.  Expect that you are going to be weak and fall off the wagon, then climb back on.
> 
> The reason I say delete him off FB is two fold. One, it's a temptation and another point of contact that can provide conflict and grief. No reason for it.


You make good points about fb. I guess I'll see where this goes. Right now ignorance isn't bliss. I want to know what the heck is going on. It's fairly obvious to me that he's being pulled in another direction. I've pondered deleting him, but idk. Can't delete him yet. 

I will make mistakes, but I have a new outlook, and that's a great start. This hurts so damn bad and it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But God put me here for a reason. I've been a damn good wife and mother and I deserve better. I will make it through this a stronger and better person. Whatever the outcome. It's just hard to swallow. 


I love all my TAM friends. We are a bunch of awesome people. Group hug! :yay:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> To say I'm struggling is an understatement. The last 24 hours have been eye opening. I sit and wonder if he was ever happy. If I can make him happy. I think he feels trapped in the marriage and instead of communicating what he needs he just deals with it until he's miserable. Our marriage made him depressed. He cares about me as a best friend and someone he's shared 14 years with, and it hurts him to hurt me. So in the sake of "protecting me" he's crushed me. It's so hard to believe that this is the man that stood in front of everyone 10 years ago and bawled his eyes out as we exchanged vows.
> 
> It's just not in my nature to be negative and think the worst. My mind goes there, but if I convince myself of those things I can't help but be angry and spiteful. Love the line about getting help. A little too deep for a text, but definitely something to say in the next week over the phone or in person. He texted this morning around 9, which is a change over the later ones lately. Haven't responded yet. Why does everything have to be so hard? And I promise, I AM working on strengthening me. As hard as that is, I am going to do it.
> 
> ...


We sound so similar it's unreal  Its sooo much easier to talk about doing it... but in reality its so hard


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> We sound so similar it's unreal  Its sooo much easier to talk about doing it... but in reality its so hard


I know, I keep telling myself "I CAN DO THIS!" I responded to his text with "Thanks. You too!" which I'm sure has him sitting there thinking WTF? He is probably thinking, "great she can't even tell me she loves me, so why do I say it?" I don't want him to stop telling me he does, but then again, does he? He isn't acting like it. And it gives me small hope, but is it real or false?


Just wanted to share a passage my friend sent on to me. I said this prayer as I bawled my eyes out. Hope it helps someone:


“I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul”;
(Psalm 31:7, NLT)

God sees and cares about everything that happens in your life. He’s seen every wrong that’s been done to you. He’s seen every unfair situation. He told the people of Israel, “I have seen your affliction. I have seen how badly you were treated those 430 years that you were in slavery.” Then He went on to say, “I have come down to deliver you.” When God brought them out, they didn’t come out empty-handed. God made their enemies hand over their gold and silver. God vindicated His people, and He will vindicate you!

Maybe someone has wronged you today. You could easily become bitter and angry and spend your life trying to pay them back. However, if you will give it to God and let Him do it His way, scripture says He’ll pay you double for your trouble! Today, know that He sees where you are, He sees where you’ve been and He sees the struggles of your heart. Release the struggle to Him and let Him reward you with His everlasting promises.


A PRAYER FOR TODAY
*
Father God, today I choose to release the struggles in my heart. I release the offenses and wrongs done to me. I choose forgiveness. I choose peace. I choose to let You be my vindicator knowing that You love me and care for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.*


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Father God, today I choose to release the struggles in my heart. I release the offenses and wrongs done to me. I choose forgiveness. I choose peace. I choose to let You be my vindicator knowing that You love me and care for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.


Amen...

I bawled my eyes out reading this out loud.
My God i have not been that spiritual but that separation experience has made me very spiritual..i feel like i need to join a church.

Thanks for the good quotes lonely .
Sorry for your struggles  (((hugs)))


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

vivea said:


> Amen...
> 
> I bawled my eyes out reading this out loud.
> My God i have not been that spiritual but that separation experience has made me very spiritual..i feel like i need to join a church.
> ...


Thanks, viv. I am glad it touched you, too. After all, whatever happens, I'll always have God in my life. He will bring me through this. I will survive. Hoping for the outcome I want, but mostly for healing and happiness. I really hope everything works out for you. My fingers have been crossed for you.


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Ugh this is so frusterating...I don't get it. My husband texted me earlier asking how our daughter was...which is fine, but nothing has been wrong with her...it's not like she's been sick or anything, so why is he texting me asking that? I just told him that she was fine and we were getting ready to go meet her new teacher and see her classroom (preschool) He didn't respond. 
Then I texted him when I was done, because the preschool is going to be a lot cheaper than we originally thought, which is his concern too...this was our convo...
Him- Excellent, that works out great
Me- I know...I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Him- One more thing to celebrate with your friends
Me- I know...I'm super happy!
Him- Just be safe when you party
Me- You don't have anything to worry about...I'm not going to do anything stupid
Him- Girls, drinks, no kids...recipe for trouble...Just don't be driving
Me- I'm not driving

I feel so werid posting this, but I am trying to figure his thoughts out...he has already told me that he is worried that I am going to get revenge on him (he had an affair)...which is not my plan at all. I'm going out with friends to have a good time, since he is taking the kids this weekend...I can't imagine being myself all weekend. 

I know I am supposed to be doing this 180 thing for myself, but at the moment I am doing it to get him back...sounds pretty pathetic, but it's true. It's not that I don't want to go out and have fun...it's just really hard when this is all I think about....I want to go out and come home to my husband....I just miss him so much and can't stand all of these rules....but I am trying to stay strong....I have more bad moments, than good ones and the only thing helping me with the good moments is that I have hope that he will come around. Okay so now I am bawling my eyes out and want to text him really bad, but I'm not going to...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

scleary8100 said:


> Ugh this is so frusterating...I don't get it. My husband texted me earlier asking how our daughter was...which is fine, but nothing has been wrong with her...it's not like she's been sick or anything, so why is he texting me asking that? I just told him that she was fine and we were getting ready to go meet her new teacher and see her classroom (preschool) He didn't respond.
> Then I texted him when I was done, because the preschool is going to be a lot cheaper than we originally thought, which is his concern too...this was our convo...
> Him- Excellent, that works out great
> Me- I know...I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
> ...


Argh these men! I get the same crap, he doesn't like it, that you're going out and these are petty little digs.. ignore him Sweety, he wants to get a rise out of you.. I am in the same situation... they want to have their cake and eat it, it doesn't work like that, we can't let them...

They don't want us, and they don't want anyone else to have us..  

Right you have to believe me when I say this, because I was doing exactly the same.. planning every move, including the 180 for him.. and it really really really doesn't work I promise you..

I have only just started doing it for myself and I am almost 5 months in, I wish I had done it sooner I really did, but I thought I knew better, but I didn't even now I make mistakes! (constantly) 

Its so easy for me to say, stop trying to second guess him... I do it all the time.. infact most of my posts are "What do you make of this" posts...

*hugs* we can all talk and advice till we're blue in the face, most of GTDoS do at me, and I am still trying to learn.. :scratchhead:
I love my H and I want him back, but there is no guarantee that he will ever come home, the 180 is for me to learn to live without him.. if he comes back, great, but I will be a better person for it xxx


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

My husband also has really bad anxiety. I actually just got done talking to my mom's pastor, who also counsels people...he shed a lot of light on my husband. 
When my husband was 7 years old, he watched his dad die on the bathroom floor, the paramedics brought him back...but it's still something that he lives with.
Then to make matters worse...his dad had 2 more heart attacks and never ever took care of himself...would always say that he would rather die happy, than kill himself to try and be healthy. I would think being around to watch your kids and grandkids grow up would make a person happy, but that's just me! :scratchhead:
So the counselor explained to me that since he was a kid, he has been terrified about his dad dying...plus his dad was never really around...he worked and supported his family and wasn't abusive...but he never played ball with his kids or went to anything for school...nothing!
So this instilled a fear in him that he always had to be in control over everything, but really has no conrol over anything, because he drives himself crazy with his thoughts. 
He is now 31...his dad was 32 when he "died". Our son is also 7 now...so it is all coming back to him hard core. He has broke down to me about that situation, but the counselor explained it so much better! 
He is talking to a therapist and I just hope that he can get to the root of his issues and really move forward with his life.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H has real issues too. Not the same as yours, but issues that I dont think help matters, he has Aspergers syndrome, ADHD and really suffers from depression.. he refuses to get help... so I can't do anything to help, just need to take a step back


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

What sucks is that the issues that our husbands have are things that they have to fix on their own. I mean, we can be supportive, a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on...etc. but we can't fix them. It's not our issues and we can't take the responsibility for their happiness...that comes from within. 
The counselor also told me that we can say the exact same things that someone else will say and they aren't going to hear what we are saying, because it's like listening to a broken record...they need to hear it from someone else and really really listen and want to get help. 
I'm hopeful, because my husband does want to get help and I know it's killing him that he's away from his family, but he's so overwhelmed and out of control, that he needs room to breathe. I am thankful that he started therapy and I am hoping that he agrees to go on medication. 
One thing is for sure though, I will not let him back into our home until he can prove to me that he wants to be here for the right reasons and he is 100% commited to our marriage.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

scleary8100 said:


> What sucks is that the issues that our husbands have are things that they have to fix on their own. I mean, we can be supportive, a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on...etc. but we can't fix them. It's not our issues and we can't take the responsibility for their happiness...that comes from within.


Wow, we really are all in the same boat. My H is depressed, badly. And it's affecting our marriage. Or, could be that our marriage caused the depression but I'd never know because he doesn't talk about his feelings or needs.  

I keep saying to myself, he is sick. He needs help. But whatever I say isn't getting through to him so he needs to hear it from someone else. Men also don't want us to fix their problems. I keep telling my H that he need to find happiness within himself and love himself before he can love anyone else. 

I didn't call my H at all today, even when I found out that my grandma found her sister dead this morning. In a normal situation I would have called him, but I didn't. I called a friend instead. I also took a picture of myself and posted it on facebook as my profile picture (which I see other people do but I've NEVER done). He sent me a text around 5 saying I looked pretty in my profile pic and he hoped we were having a great day. I just replied "thanks that was sweet. " 

He called just now to say goodnight to the kids, but my son went with my mom so just our daughter is here. He talked to me for few asking what we did today and what was new, and I told him about my grandma. I told him something funny our son said, and asked him how he was. He sounded sort of down and "soft". He then talked to our daughter and asked her to give the phone back to me. More small talk, telling me he went by the house and took care of the cats and did some dishes. I said thanks. Then I told him I'd let him go, and he said goodnight and he'd talk to us tomorrow. Then lots of bye, have a good night, then he said love you, and I said love you and we hung up. I can't stop saying it, I'm too weak.  But otherwise, I was upbeat and cool. Pat on my back. Nighttime is the hardest. A few nights ago I texted him "goodnight, peanut" and he wrote back but just told me goodnight and to sleep well. Then I was upset because no I love you. I'm a mess.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Why oh why do I torture myself? He hasn't gotten online, but he checks facebook on his phone I think. Because I've been online and he hasn't gotten on here. But on my news feed, it shows that 20 minutes ago, he "liked" one of those random pages and this was it:

"I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without."

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???? And he would have had to have seen it on someone else's page in order to "like" it from his phone. And I'm not the last one he's hearing at night lately because we talk at like 8:30.  Makes me think it's a message to me (hope) or that it's about someone else (bad). Torture! And it's "I want to be the girl" but maybe he means "I want to be the man"?? Staying strong, WILL NOT ask him about it. I want so bad to hit "like".


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, my husband did learn ONE lesson! After blowing him off last weekend and not showing up or calling at ALL, THIS FRIDAY my He actually CALLED my son and arranged to pick him up and DID IT! My son called me at work at 5pm and said "Daddy said he'd pick me up and I think he will this time because he called me". 

I said "Ok, sounds good. Lock up". Mercifully, my H did NOT bother me. 

Came home..No son there. No Husband. I'm impressed! I didn't have to do a THING!

So I yakked with my buddy for an hour on my phone and made plans for tomorrow, cracked open a bottle of wine and put Sirius Radio on and ate dinner... My daughter came home with her friends and we all watched _Ferris Buehller's Day Off_ and then she left. Got the place to myself. :smthumbup:

WHY would I want to share this with my husband? So he could go on one his diatribes about how horrible I was in 1997? So he could bring up his fabrications about how I screwed around with all my old lovers while we married? (NOT TRUE!) So I could watch him ingest gallons of rum and smoke 3 packs of cigarettes in an hour? Oh, and then end it all with GREAT night of lovemaking in which he can't even get it up? Oh yeah..

I really MISS this guy. I don't THINK so!! :rofl:

Come on people..THINK about WHY you aren't with your spouses anymore. If it was all so perfect why aren't you together now? :scratchhead:

Uh..I gotta go over to my H's house on Sunday and pick up some of my stuff..kayaking gear, bicycle rack, tools for my car, floor jack, etc. I'm not looking forward to this.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Come on people..THINK about WHY you aren't with your spouses anymore. If it was all so perfect why aren't you together now? :scratchhead


I have tried and tried, and I can't think of what reason(s) why *she* pulled out of the marriage .


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> I have tried and tried, and I can't think of what reason(s) why *she* pulled out of the marriage .


Her loss. Damn, it's too bad you don't live on this side of the world. We'd have such fun! You seem like such a cool guy. You've come a long way! :smthumbup:

Your wife is an idiot.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Her loss. Damn, it's too bad you don't live on this side of the world. We'd have such fun! You seem like such a cool guy. You've come a long way! :smthumbup:


I have had some good people helping me !!



> Your wife is an idiot.


yeah, well.....


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Oh How I wish I had read the 180 a few days ago! Like many on here I am on the "chasing" end of a failing marriage. H says he doesn't think he loves me anymore. Says I pushed him away and made him feel bad about himself. He says he just "isn't feeling it" anymore and thinks that it may be best to end the relationship because we have both changed and grown apart. We are still living together because he has no job and no money to move out. I stay because we have three kids and I can't uproot them from the only home they've ever known. We are, however, sleeping apart. I desperately want to make this marriage work. But after reading the 180 rules I'm scared that I've pushed him farther away! I'm trying to remain hopeful that this marriage can be saved...but it's getting harder every day. Especially when he won't sleep with me, touch me, or tell me "I love you"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> The tactic I used was to presume the worst. Weird? Maybe. But it worked.
> 
> I stopped wondering if she was having an affair. She was having an affair.
> I stopped wondering if she was telling me the truth. I assumed she was never going to tell me the truth.
> ...


Awesome post, top to bottom!!!!

I love that you just assumed the worst cause really that helps immensely! And the "ILY" stuff--brilliant.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Awesome post, top to bottom!!!!
> 
> I love that you just assumed the worst cause really that helps immensely! And the "ILY" stuff--brilliant.


But how do you assume the worse, and not be a pissed off woman?! What if it isn't true? I am too much of a damn optimist for this, though it seems logical. If it were over for real, papers signed, I could do this. But not while I'm holding out with a tiny sliver of hope. But I did use the ILY line. And I'm not saying it as much. I've got to change this dynamic! Somehow someway. I'm pathetic. But I AM working on myself. Had a bunch of coworkers telling me how good I looked today.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

jdb3 said:


> Oh How I wish I had read the 180 a few days ago! Like many on here I am on the "chasing" end of a failing marriage. H says he doesn't think he loves me anymore. Says I pushed him away and made him feel bad about himself. He says he just "isn't feeling it" anymore and thinks that it may be best to end the relationship because we have both changed and grown apart. We are still living together because he has no job and no money to move out. I stay because we have three kids and I can't uproot them from the only home they've ever known. We are, however, sleeping apart. I desperately want to make this marriage work. But after reading the 180 rules I'm scared that I've pushed him farther away! I'm trying to remain hopeful that this marriage can be saved...but it's getting harder every day. Especially when he won't sleep with me, touch me, or tell me "I love you"


It's NOT to late to do the 180, and it's exactly what you should do!


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Thanks WhereAmI. You are right I have decided today that I will be following the rules of the 180. I feel really silly now, because I have been doing the majority of the things that the list says not to do.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

jdb3 said:


> Thanks WhereAmI. You are right I have decided today that I will be following the rules of the 180. I feel really silly now, because I have been doing the majority of the things that the list says not to do.


That happens to a lot of us. It's because we do what our instinct tells us to do, which is beg and plead and reason. Even once you commit to the 180, it's really hard to retrain yourself. The original concept of the 180 as described in Divorce Busting, is to just do the exact opposite of what your spouse is expecting you to do. If you aren't getting the results with what you're doing, try the opposite. This 180, however, will help YOU. Those that have gone through it find that they like themselves better and they are happy with themselves whether or not they are back with their partner. I wish you luck. Stay strong!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree: with wot she said


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah, you'll be told and told again the 180 isn't to win your spouse back and this is for YOU, I for one have only literally just learnt this..

I've noticed that my H now doesn't like it.. and it's only been what?.. 4-5 days, but I've gone 'dark' as Jelly says, I cut him off facebook.. and that's wound him up.. just because I removed him.. but I did it for me, I didn't want to watch him lead his single life on there.. but he's questioning why I've removed him.. I wont answer. Why should I? He left me!


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Jdb3, take their advice and try it. It's working for me and we're still living together because of our circumstances too. And don't beat yourself up for acting wrong, you've probably been acting like that for ages anyways as he was pulling away. It can still work.

Lonleynlost is right, the 180 will help YOU! :smthumbup:

I feel much better and see things more clearly. In theory your spouse will get out of the mindset they're in and good communication can start so you can either salvage what's left of a good marriage or part ways because you BOTH feel it's the best thing.

I still don't know which direction my marriage is headed but I know I'm going to be ok either way, a few weeks ago I thought I'd die without her. (That's not love, that's dependance)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Wrench said:


> I still don't know which direction my marriage is headed but I know I'm going to be ok either way, a few weeks ago I thought I'd die without her. (That's not love, that's dependance)


same here Wrench, same here, it has been a bloody hard road at times though, but the end result is worth the effort to get there !!!


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> the end result is worth the effort to get there !!!


That's what I've been clinging to, thanks.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Wrench said:


> That's what I've been clinging to, thanks.


it is, I don't want to lose W, but if I do, oh well , the next woman I get along with is going to be one lucky lady because of what I have learned, and it will be the same for you.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> it is, I don't want to lose W, but if I do, oh well , the next woman I get along with is going to be one lucky lady because of what I have learned, and it will be the same for you.


Hear Hear!

Well I would love my H to come grovelling back, but he'd have a shock, I am not the person he left that's for sure!

Anyone who comes along.. will be a lucky..albeit blind and dumb.. fella  :smthumbup::lol:


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> it is, I don't want to lose W, but if I do, oh well , the next woman I get along with is going to be one lucky lady because of what I have learned, and it will be the same for you.


I'm getting there. I'm actually admitting to myself the things I don't like about the adult she's grown into instead of staying in love with the 19 yr old girl I used to know. She's back to keeping things to herself but I know now that's how we got in this position. 

I'll keep using the 180 to get her back to talking, it works good on her. She responds well to the alpha-husband, and moving around for her career has had a weakening effect on me. 

If she is just bs'ing me and does leave eventually I'll be the confident man I used to be and it'll be her loss.:toast:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep, that is just it. The people they were (and we were) aren't the same as today.

The sooner you can grasp the concept that you will be fine no matter the outcome, the better.

If it's meant to be with them, it will be, if not...ONTO the next one... or just onto the next part of your life.

Someone once told me that "people" (Oh, Ok, they said "men"--it was a woman talking but it's applicable for either gender) ... "People are like buses--when one leaves, another one is already coming."


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep, that is just it. The people they were (and we were) aren't the same as today.
> 
> The sooner you can grasp the concept that you will be fine no matter the outcome, the better.
> 
> ...



The saying here is you miss one bus, then 3 come at once!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let me get my bus pass ready! LOL


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Let me get my bus pass ready! LOL



It was the same for me, when I met my H, I had 2 other blokes interested... even now, I'm hanging out with PG and an Ex (one before my H so we were 14) today told me I was looking sexy and we should meet up, this morning my H's mate called me up to see how I was.. :scratchhead: then chatted me up... erm fella's lemme alone will ya!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. That's awesome, Mad!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> LOL. That's awesome, Mad!


Bah they just think I'll be the 'Merry Widow' as it were and I'll sleep around.. taint gonna happen!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> It was the same for me, when I met my H, I had 2 other blokes interested... even now, I'm hanging out with PG and an Ex (one before my H so we were 14) today told me I was looking sexy and we should meet up, *this morning my H's mate called me up to see how I was*.. :scratchhead: then chatted me up... erm fella's lemme alone will ya!!


Is it possible your H put him up to this? I'd be careful with how much info you tell anyone your H knows.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Is it possible your H put him up to this? I'd be careful with how much info you tell anyone your H knows.



I wouldn't have thought so this particular friend has always had a 'thing' for me. But even so, I don't tell anyone anything..


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> The saying here is you miss one bus, then 3 come at once!


Where's my friggin bus!! :scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

After a fight between my ex-h and I decided I have to go 180 for sure....

So I did start Sunday.....

He works Sunday through Wednesday nights and I only see him at lunch for an hour, but I try not to see him at all....today I took my youngest to lunch at Chili's *damn-those-Bacon-Burgers*.....

Tonight I got a text from him (he's a police officer and should have more important stuff to do)...

"Got the new Lego Star Wars (Wii) game for son1 and son2"

Ok ?!?!

Why does he text me this from work it's not really important, is it ?!?!?!

:scratchhead:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> It was the same for me, when I met my H, I had 2 other blokes interested... even now, I'm hanging out with PG and an Ex (one before my H so we were 14) today told me I was looking sexy and we should meet up, this morning my H's mate called me up to see how I was.. :scratchhead: then chatted me up... erm fella's lemme alone will ya!!


nope, I will not


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Where's my friggin bus!! :scratchhead:


aww, I am sorry, if I had known you were looking for a 'bus' I would stayed longer, but as it is, I just have so many women chasing me now that it is just getting all but too much


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Rome, that would be to keep in contact with you... my H does the same remember..

Crank, you're the exception to the rule lol only if you have time with all your women  haha

Baby, we should go and hang out in a Bus station!!


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Give it up for the 180!:woohoo:

I finally got the ice princess to start talking about us! And the good thing is after 2 weeks of pretty much sticking to the 180 approach I stayed that way through the whole conversation.

16 years of relationship mis-managment was exposed on both sides, we have always talked a lot but so much was never talked about.

We both need IC badly. She has some fairly serious issues that she has never talked to anyone about besides me. 

When her reasons for wanting to divorce came up I let myself talk about the kids and custody arrangments. She actually assumed that I would not fight to keep them with me and live in a neighbourhood instead of letting them be stuck in a downtown highrise while their mom works 12 hr days at her "dream job".

I think she finally realized the only reason I have basically become a SAHD and will move back to the city with her job is because I am a supportive husband and father.:banghead:

I'm realizing how closed off she has always been, her family is that way and we've been through too much tragedy over the years to have never talked openly about it. I can't believe we made it this long!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Wrench, that is brilliant news, so happy that it is starting to work for you, can be a long hard road.

Mind you, 180 for me with the W isin't all that hard, she doesn't talk to me or respond to txt or email for the most part 

Once again, reall good news that 180 is making a difference for you :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've only been doing it one week  Still see no light.. him living away doing whatever he wants without us > his family..


Im really pleased for you Wrench! x


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Thanks guys, having a live-in seperation kind of makes it easier. Speeds things up anyways. Being stuck together is going to force us to hash this out, one way or the other.

I thank this forum and it's members for giving me such insight and strenth. I actually feel relieved that it's all out in the open and has to be dealt with now.

And reading about people dating again has helped a lot.:toast:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wrench said:


> Thanks guys, having a live-in seperation kind of makes it easier. Speeds things up anyways. Being stuck together is going to force us to hash this out, one way or the other.
> 
> I thank this forum and it's members for giving me such insight and strenth. I actually feel relieved that it's all out in the open and has to be dealt with now.
> 
> And reading about people dating again has helped a lot.:toast:


Good for you! Hope things continue to improve.

I can see it being easier to figure things out when your spouse doesn't move out and run off when they are confused. 

I don't know what kind of game my H is playing. I'm going to send him an email to tell him I acknowledge why we are having a hard time communicating now and validate his feelings and thoughts, then I'm going to attach a link to the website about depression because OMG it hits home. Hopefully he reads it. Then I'm going 180. It's weird though, sometimes I feel like he's pulling a 180 on me then I remember that he's just detaching.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I sent my wife a few links to articles that may have helped, she never said.

I see the 180 as all about the way I act when we're around each other (body language, conversation starting, etc).

By ignoring the way I want to act and just following the rules I'm starting to get what I want out of her and I feel better about myself and my future.

Just ignore your thoughts and pain (La La La....)


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

OK first I should make it clear that we are not living together now. So some of this no longer applies, but some of it did before she walked out.

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.- Already done this before she left.

No frequent phone calls.- Haven't called at all except at the times we agreed on for me to talk to our daughters.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.- Done this before she left.

Don't follow her/him around the house.- Didn't really do this. Just occasionally would ask for a hug if we were standing in the same room.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.- Didn't do this. Was to busy dealing with what was happening at the time in our lives.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your spouse.- Haven't done this, but they keep telling me that none of them hold any animosity towards me and tell me you never know what the future holds and we may still have a future together.

Don't ask for reassurances.- Done this a lot while she was growing more distant before she left.

Don't buy or give gifts.- Done this before she left. It was out 17th. anniversary.

Don't schedule dates together.- Haven't done this.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!"- Done this a lot before she left.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!- I am trying. I would like to maybe even go out on a date. Not sure if that is the healthy thing to do after only 7 weeks since she walked out.

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.- I put on this face in front of most people, but it is hard to actually feel it.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!- This one is kind of tough. I let her take the car so my kids would have transportation to events since they are staying with her. So it is hard for me to get around.

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.- I failed on this one when she was at home. I figured if we talked it would help her get back into the comfort of what was.

Don't push any issue! No matter how much you want to!- This one I did well on. If there was an issue I was quick to let it not turn into any kind of aggravation for either of us.

ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested in your spouse’s whereabouts.- Did well on this one too. I knew her routine and she was still following it so I knew where she was so there was no need to ask in my mind.

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.- Super failed on this one. I was there for her at all times and made it known to her in case she needed me.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.- Did well on this one. I wanted the time she was around me to be happy and peaceful.

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. Be cool, act cool; be in control of yourself.- Did just fine on this one as well.

Don't be overly enthusiastic.- Kind of failed on this one. If she seemed like she was wanting to show some affection and interact with me it was pretty obvious I was really glad for it.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel. In fact, refuse to argue at all!- Did super well on this one as well. I refused to argue at all.

Be patient and learn to HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!- Did this well also.

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.- Did just fine with this one.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.- This one is a mix. I took care of myself, but at that time I felt my entire life was turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.- I did this well. Perhaps too well on the speak softly part. I wonder if she didn't start to see me as weak or mistake my love and kindness as being less of a man.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.- This is still a work in progress.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.- I failed on this within a few days of her letting me know she wasn't in love with me anymore. I kept it together at first and then later got it back together.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!- She will not communicate with me at all at present.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"- I am hanging in there for now, but it is getting so hard.

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent!- Will keep it up.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.- Again there is no communication at all right now. She will not talk to me in any form. She even blocked me on facebook the day she left.

So with the things I have already done wrong have I messed up things pretty badly or are they things that can be reversed or countered?

Thanks everyone


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I broke almost every rule on the 180. It's amazing how I look back now and wished I had followed those simple rules because I may not have my marriage in limbo right now. I practically smothered my wife. When we were home I would spend time with her, watch tv etc. But a while back I found that I withdrew (computer, Xbox) so it wasn't like I was there. I stopped watching TV in our room late at night rather go to bed with her. I focused more on her needs before my own. I focused on what she wanted before what I wanted. I found myself communicating with her more Txt, emails, phone calls. I found myself wanting to be around her more as well. Before our blow up I asked my wife how she was feeling and she told me "I feel more loved" my response was I'm falling head over heals for you again. I hadn't felt like that in a long time. Now that I look back I wonder what I did. I haven't contacted my wife since the 17th. I talked to my mother and father in law about things without really getting into what happened. I guess my wife hasn't really told them much. But I found myself asking only for my own sanity "Is she planning on filing papers?" I really dont want to divorce it's an ugly thing especially with kids. I also find myself wondering if my wife is cheating on me? She deleted me from her FB and put her status as single. I talked to my priest yesterday and found myself tearing up. He said it sounds like my wife is very confused right now. I know she's spending a bit more time with the kids but I don't know how true that is considering where she was last week. I know my wife is in Party mode right now and it bugs me to think that she may or may not be messing around. I made the first step I think in my 180 and that is to file divorce papers, I was recommended because she thinks "He wouldn't do that" as well to show I dont need you and I can move on. They told me "Watch once she gets those papers she'll contact you." Or if it's really finished she will not care. Either way it's hard to look back on the 7 years together. We dated for 4 1/2 and engaged for 2 1/2. We married in a catholic church which for me has sacred meaning, we're both catholic. My thoughts are we've been married for not even a year and this tension has been building for a long time and now has exploded. I don't know where my marriage is going but I know that I can't be like this much more I have a 21 month old baby to look out for. How easy is it for acceptance? Does that take time? I'm staying on the 180 path right now because I know if I were to push my wife she would just run far far.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh..and GET the damn estranged spouses off your Facebook! What is WITH that? That's ONE way of asking for trouble.
> 
> How can you do the 180 and then have them on FACEBOOK? It makes no sense.. :scratchhead:


I agree with this 1000%!!! I know it's hard, but it is so much better for you!
I took my H off my FB and his family. I also requested that our mutual friends not tell me anything he's posted or who he is talking to. Even if I beg them they are going to tell me no.
I know for me, I would be driving myself crazy wondering what he is doing and it wouldn't do me any good.

I only have control over me, and no amount of obsessing and stalking and coming up with worse case scenario's in my head is trying to control something I have absolutely no control over.
The same for cell phone records, emails, etc$
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Some days (or moments) are easier to do the 180's than others.

-I went and got my hair cut and colored how I wanted it, instead of taking into consideration what he would think. (Not that he ever told me how to style my hair, but you know we want to look good for our spouses).
-I bought myself new clothes that were more form fitting. (I had gastic bypass almost 2 years ago and have lost 155 lbs. So I really enjoy shopping now).
-I went away for a weekend with some girlfriends and had a blast
-My friend who is a photographer took some pictures of me and posted them on FB (for her business)
H is a mutual friend and he saw them and sent me a text saying I look beautiful.
-I have been going to counseling for myself
-If I am spending time with my kids (we don't have any together) I make a conscious effort to turn my phone OFF so I am not checking it every 5 minutes to see if he texted.
- I spend lots of time with my friends
-The time H & I have talked, I listened without interrupting and validated his feelings
- I put more effort into my appearance, making sure I wear makeup every single day
- I pray...a lot. 

Now of course, I still have very insecure moments when I freak out and start to worry that we won't make it through this, and those moments are hard.
I still cry almost every day, but I usually do it in the shower in the morning and then I am usually fine for the rest of the day. Sometimes a good cry is all you need.

All of you...keep your chin up, hold your head up high, and realize that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Well I have officially started my 180. Today when H came to take the kids he tried to be flirty with me, even going so far as to hug me at one point. I was calm I was polite and I even smiled a few times. But I did not give in to his advances. He is still cheating on me and I know this for a fact. He has no intention of trying to "work" on our marriage with me. I can tell that he has been spending most of his time in bars or with his OW (or in bars with OW). I can smell her on him. And when I was putting the kids in his car his whole car smelled like cigarettes and cheap perfume. YUCK. There's a part of me that is mourning the loss of my marriage with him. But at the same time there is a big part of me that is just so disgusted with his current behavior. And that is what is going to motivate me to move forward and work harder on trying to be a better mother and better person. 

I think at this point the hardest part for me is just knowing that another woman came in a took what I had. I feel like maybe if I had just been a better more attentive wife he wouldn't have strayed. But he did and I cannot change that. I CAN focus on all the good things in my life and learn to love myself more. I know it's not going to be easy. There are going to be good days and bad. But I'm not giving up. This 180 is hopefully going to make me a better person. And hey maybe he will like what he see's and decide to come back and be the loving devoted husband he used to be. But if not, I'll still be ok


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I read this - thought I'd share:


Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Babyheart said:


> I read this - thought I'd share:
> 
> 
> Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.
> ...


I like !!! :smthumbup:

Great motivational speech !!!!!!!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

:iagree: I've read that before, and it makes me feel better. Even if it is an ex girlfriend. I know I'm better than that. Because look at what she's capable of.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Wow, that actually made me feel a bit better about myself...

'She' told her H that my H and I were already seperated and I had cheated on him... which was complete rubbish and she knew it! She is a skank! ARRRRRRRRRGH!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jdb3 said:


> Well I have officially started my 180. Today when H came to take the kids he tried to be flirty with me, even going so far as to hug me at one point. I was calm I was polite and I even smiled a few times. But I did not give in to his advances. He is still cheating on me and I know this for a fact. He has no intention of trying to "work" on our marriage with me. I can tell that he has been spending most of his time in bars or with his OW (or in bars with OW). I can smell her on him. But at the same time there is a big part of me that is just so disgusted with his current behavior. And that is what is going to motivate me to move forward and work harder on trying to be a better mother and better person.


Just wanted to point out something -- JD, in your case you can 180 all you want but it will not mean a hill of beans to him unless you strictly enforce you won't be involved with him while he is having sex an affair with someone else. He obviously is and his blatant disrespect of you is sickening. He knows you know and he doesn't care. That is the worst of the worst. So what I am saying is tha you can 180 for you, as you should and you should definitely do things you enjoy, get out of the house, exercise, smile, treat yourself to something nice and sweet BUT as far as the thing with him goes, you are his doormat right now and you will continue to be unless you actually do something about it. Saying you won't live in an open marriage is one thing but backing it up with consequences and actions is something altogether. 

Please, if you haven't already, get tested for STDs. Today.




jdb3 said:


> I think at this point the hardest part for me is just knowing that another woman came in a took what I had. I feel like maybe if I had just been a better more attentive wife he wouldn't have strayed. But he did and I cannot change that. I CAN focus on all the good things in my life and learn to love myself more. I know it's not going to be easy. There are going to be good days and bad. But I'm not giving up. This 180 is hopefully going to make me a better person. And hey maybe he will like what he see's and decide to come back and be the loving devoted husband he used to be. But if not, I'll still be ok


First off, I know how easy it is to get in that mindset. BUT, you are NOT responsible for him straying. You did not pull his pants down and stick a gun to his head and make him have an affair. So you shoulda woulda and coulda done a lot of things but that does not take responsiblity away from what he CHOSE to do. You got it? She is insignificant. Don't get int eh mindset of thinking she's somehow better than you. This is a woman who doesn't even respect someone's marriage! Who knows he is married and continues to carry on with him. It is hard not to make comparisons when you find out there's someone else but please understand--he chose this and it was NOT your fault. 



Babyheart said:


> I read this - thought I'd share:
> 
> 
> Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.
> ...


Hehe. Great post! In my sitch, the person I largely suspect it is (which he denies) is a little younger and has a LTR and is relatively cute. If in fact it's her, she knows he is married and has continued on all while having her own long term (for years) boyfriend. 

Now the person he SAYS it was he called "a piece of meat...a total sl-t"...said it only happened cause she was 'there' (BS excuse) and she put it out there hard and later said he thought she was cheap and yada yada yada. He said sooo many nasty things about her, truly awful things.

Either way I know he has major trust issues, always has, very very bad trust issues to the point it would make me uncomfortable all throughout our relationship. It gives me great pleasure knowing the chick he cheated on me with has a boyfriend (he told me she told him later "I feel bad cause I have a boyfriend." That's when he called her a "sl-t"). Anyway it makes me happy knowing this cause if my suspicion is right about who it is, if they do get together or are already, she is in for one long long long road. And well maybe so is he. 

Most men do cheat down. The perfect example is Tiger Woods. Seriously. His wife was a ten and he cheated with 1s, 2s, and 3s.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Ok Jellybeans what are these consequences and actions that I'm supposed to take? Already I have stopped giving into his advances. When he reaches out to try and touch or hug me I turn and walk the other way. And I'm only communicating with him via texts if it has to do with the kids or the house. I will see my attorney this coming week and I will have a legal separation agreement drawn up. If there is something more I should be doing please let me know. And yes this 180 is more so for me than anything else. Because it's the only way I know how to begin moving on at this point.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> The 180 concept can work. It had an impact in recovering my marriage. I read Love Must be Tough by Dobson. Some of his concepts are pretty harsh so I used what I would call LMBT-Lite. But when I quit pursuing her she quit backing away. The more confidence I showed in both myself and in our marriage the more she drew back. 180 was only part of the solutions for us but it did have an impact. Good luck.


Amplexor, I just finished reading LMBT. What do you mean "confidence
In your marriage?". The whole concept of LMBT is to let her "out of the cage." How do I show confidence
In my marriage when she wants out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whatsgoingon (Apr 20, 2011)

I am in the same boat.

Haven't tried 180 yet.

My wife left, after 8 years together, 3 kids.

I dont want her to go. I am there for her when she needs and am supportive of her in all her ideas (there are alot that are coming out at the moment and seem to be spur of the moment things that aren't followed through).

I have read the 5 love languages and many associated books and can really relate it back to where we went wrong. I can see the old relationship was not great and don't want to rekindle THAT relationship, I do want to start a new relationship with my wife, but realise it takes two to do this.

She said she is over us, doesn't want to do counciling etc. But since then we have been to counciling, she has asked me to stay the night - in her bed, when things got a little frisky, she said she couldn't do it and she was just using me. 

Since then I've told her I am taking my wedding ring (she originally took hers off and told me it was because she had dermatitis) and I am taking it to where I proposed to her and dropping it in the water, to come full circle. She wasn't happy with that and even now does not want a divorce.

We hang out a bit together and she says she enjoys the time as friends and is always very quick to point out that everything we do is 'as friends'. 

Next week I asked her to come to dinner with me for my birthday, just her and I. She said she would come 'as friends'. I told her that was fine and I was just looking forward to talking to her on the car drive there (2 hours each way - dinner and a show) because that is something we were missing in our marriage and I was enjoying our chats.

I just don't know if this girl (I feel she is a girl at the moment and not a woman) is very confused or is playing me. My councilor said for me not to stop being the caring person I was and focus my attention on the kids. I am just confused and getting to the point where I feel that I am sick of the games.

I wrote her a 3 page poem and gave her a single matchstick. Basically she can burn the marriage certificate or the (hypothetical) divorce papers.

Am I missing something here? Is this just an indication that she is confused and needs time and really doesn't want me to go anywhere, even though she says she is done? To my knowledge there is no one else and she has said she is liking learning to enjoy her own company. She hangs out with the girls (which she has always been able to do) but I don't know if there is someone else who she is testing the water with and keeping me at arms length, not to be too close, but close enough if things don't work out.

Argh, sorry for the rambles, prob not even the right place to post this. But should I be doing 180?


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I haven't exactly started the 180 but sort of doing these things myself, we are still living together for another month then i'm moving out. I'm not sure this will help or not and could use advice, especially since I had pulled away from her for a long time because of EA's/PA's and she will probably view this as the same thing. She seems to be past us and doesn't seem to notice these types of things or has no reaction to them.

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.- Well i am not doing these things excluding the reasoning which I am already trying to stop doing so much. I reason everything out instead of looking at her emotional swings, trying to change this.

No frequent phone calls.- Still living together so not much of an option were still always around each other, i don't call her from work or anything except if we need something from the store etc on my way home.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.- We talked about this a few times but not really much anymore. We rarely talk anymore but are not fighting.

Don't follow her/him around the house.- Try not to and don't mean to, but sometimes we go out to smoke together etc. not following on purpose though i beleive she may think i am to see who she is talking to nonstop, which is not what i am trying to do. I used to because of so many EA/PA's over the years, but I am past it.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.- I have to talk about our future but not necessarily as us getting back together it is usually focused on what needs to happen for both of us to survive once I move out and what we are going to do about time with our daughter. She doesn't realize she WILL have to find a job but she is not looking at all. I can't and wont pay all her bills, i'm going to be starving as is and most likely with 2 jobs wont be able to live on my own even with a roomate because of our debt, if i have to move in with my parents I will not have a job anymore and have no money to give to help support my daughter.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your spouse.- Her family memebrs are some of the very few people i have to talk to, I don't know anyone else here at all. They want us to work it out also we get along well.

Don't ask for reassurances.- I don't.

Don't buy or give gifts.- Couldnt if i wanted to i'm broke. I did however run into some art supplies for free that i'm trying to get for her as i think it will help with her depression and she is going to go back to school for art.

Don't schedule dates together.- Still living together , have no money, she's not interested in doing anything with me anyway.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" - Rarely at all do I do this anymore. I don't want her to think i'm giving up on us though, but i'm not pressing anything and going on with my life.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!- already working on it.

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.- I've been doing this as much as possible, especially since i'm not as depressed and have been working on myself.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!- Not sitting around waiting on her, but sitting around a bit as I can't afford gas to go anywhere, have no freinds here at all, been reading more though, joined a few outdoors groups for kayaking etc, but cant afford group fee to go to meets or gas to get there.

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.- Already there she doesn't really want to talk anyway, i'm just keeping it simple.

Don't push any issue! No matter how much you want to!- Neither of us are pushing issues. Though this will change when i move out and she wants money for bills i don't have or she wants me to clean when i come over to help daughter with homework.

ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested in your spouse’s whereabouts.- Don't ask anything, already told her go out, have fun, she doesn't but that was her whole reasoning for the seperation to find herself, travel, have fun, not be tied down.

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.- Don't get nasty, angry, or cold, I have pulled back but afraid she will see this as pulling away as I have in the past. As for being available we will fight if i don't do everything but the cooking. This will definetly happen once i move out.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.- Basically what i'm doing.

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. Be cool, act cool; be in control of yourself.- I can and usually do even in fights control my temper.

Don't be overly enthusiastic.- haven't had a chance to be.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel. In fact, refuse to argue at all!- Not arguing at all which is way different then any other time we seperated. Makes me think even more this is the end.

Be patient and learn to HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!- I try, but have gotten forgetful also, not that i dont care my memory has gone to ****. Also she is very bad at saying one thing and meaning another and since we haven't really talked much in years, I have no clue as to what she trully wants, hell she doesn't either according to her. Not sure how to handle this one. If i can't figure out what she wants at that moment I can't give it to her. This has been a large problem in our relationship.

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.- Mostly do this anyway but doing it more.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. - This has been my main focus.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. - Doing it.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. - Nothing is being noticed, and if it is there are no verbal, body language, facial expressions to show otherwise.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. - Have not let myself be desperate or needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!- I focus a little during our talks but mostly due to talking about what we are going to do financially, with our daughter etc, only on those types of things. And yes she doesn't really seem to give a **** and states she is being selfish, I am working on myself now and leaving her to herself.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" - I haven't given up I love her more then anyone or anything (excluding my daughter) but it is hard and things are different this time then they were previous times by far. I see them getting worse once i move out. She will not like to have to get a job, take care of herself, etc which will start fights i beleive. I see very little hope at all for "US" but will not give up. She knows i want to work it out, but that I am going on with my life.

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent!- This will be hard but I will do it.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. - Sometimes do this will try and remember it more.

If anyone has any suggestions please provide them. I am sure some of this will change when i move out and many things will become harder but i am doing what i must for me and her. Please read my post of my situation under considering divorce or seperation threads. I could really use more advice. Also do you think the 180 will be helpful in my situation or harmful? Thanks all for reading this and your time. Have a great day.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tam8145 said:


> Amplexor, I just finished reading LMBT. What do you mean "confidence
> In your marriage?". The whole concept of LMBT is to let her "out of the cage." How do I show confidence
> In my marriage when she wants out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In our case confidence in myself meant that I didn't beg, I didn't become emotional and I showed her that I was OK, willing to do what it takes to recover the marriage but that if it didn't work out, I'd be fine and would move on with my life without her. I quietly worked on the changes I had made without banging my own drum. Confidence in the marriage came after she had lost most hope that we'd pull it out (She was still in the fog) She saw that I was confident we could make it work and she leaned on that. Confidence in the marriage included starting discussions on our future like retirement, a remodeling project a year down the road, how we're going to pay for the kids to go to college. You paint the picture so you both can visualize it. But don't go overboard on these discussions, just once in a while when appropriate.

Confidence was a trait in me that my wife found very attractive. It was what drew her to me in the first place. It was an important part of our recovery.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

I wanted to reply to both Darksoul and Amplexor: 

Darksoul - I think we're in similar situations. We're also broke, separated, and living in the same house. I'm less than 3 weeks into confrontation of wife's EA and separation. I found the 180 rules 1 week into the separation. I had several failures the 2nd week, but in the last 4 days I am 100% committed to the 180. Also, get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. It helped me a lot. 
Another similarity we may share is passiveness. I'm just a non-confrontational guy. However, with help from friends/family/180 rules and the book, I have had 3 successful "tests" from the wife in the last 5 days. I have essentially turned into a nice a**hole. I have stood up to her and trying to act as ****y as possible. I demanded my wife move out ASAP to continue the EA (she agreed to leave.) I told her what the splits will be when she moves out. I told her I'm "letting her go." I told her that her actions are deal-breakers for me and I am the one moving on. I asked her to remove my ring. The next "confrontation" I'm gonna tell her I am not helping her financially when she moves out. 
I also want to save my marriage. But, this might be the best chance. My confidence is high and I am in control - not her. That's a complete turn around for me in about 1 week.
BTW, I follow the 180 rules to the letter. I saw your notes, quit doing all that stuff. I am trying to be as pleasant and nice as possible - and that is eating at my wife, I know it is. That's why she is looking to leave.

Amplexor - I understand the confidence in myself. I am doing those things, so we're on the same page there. 
Confidence in marriage - thanks for the clarification. However, according to the 180 rules, I will not be initiating or even participating in any discussions about future projects or plans.
I appreciate your advice on confidence. As I mentioned to Darksoul, this is a known reason she is in the EA - I'm just a passive guy. BUT, I have seen the light and I'm acting the part. I'm the man now. It's like a drug. The first discussion where I stood up to her and told her how it's going to be was tough for me. It took me 2 days to mentally prepare and a couple beers right before. But that 1 discussion led to another not-so-hard session where I stood my ground again and presto... big shift in confidence and ****iness. I am strutting around the house and she sees me. I am just getting started too. The next confrontation I will be relaxed, tall, poised and tell her how it's going to be. 
I still have hope and your testimony proves it. Thanks.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I haven't posted back here in ages. My 180 is D.O.N.E. Didn't work. Marriage is over because H refuses to admit his little affair with his high school girlfriend. 

Do people really ever come back from both saying the marriage is over and becoming volatile and angry with one another, and one cheating and lying until they are in the grave?! I don't see any hope. I'm trying to decide whether to spend $400 on a PI to catch them this weekend. I saw on her facebook she's coming to town and he has cleared his schedule for the week. Uh, yeah.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tam8145 said:


> Amplexor - I understand the confidence in myself. I am doing those things, so we're on the same page there.
> Confidence in marriage - thanks for the clarification. However, according to the 180 rules, I will not be initiating or even participating in any discussions about future projects or plans.


Correct, it is all relative to where you are in the relationship. At the point we began discussing the future we were probably much further down the road than you. Since what you are doing appears to be working, follow your gut instincts.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Unfortunatly I don't pick up on the tests well and am usually not sure if it is one, trying my best though. Yeah tam sounds like we are a lot alike. I am finding myself though through all this, Last night I reached a point in meditation I haven't reached in 14 years, Can't quite get there tonight but staying in a good state almost since last night. I am trying the 180, as much as I can at the moment it will hopefully get easier. If I can stay in the state of mind i'm in now, i'll have no worries, hurt, fear anything, I can take things as they are like i used to and just be me, be true to myself. I'm actually kinda happy right now, lol. I miss it.

One of my coworkers told me tonight that another coworker is going to try to hook me up with his neice. I am going on with my life but don't think it's a good idea at this point, way to soon in my opinion. If i slide back at all i could hurt her, i am not looking for a rebound. If she isn't ready it could bring me back down and this is all only if we even like each other. I will explain this to him, I think he will understand. I took 2 years out of my life to straighten out my head no dating etc. right before i met my wife. If I hadn't done that I wouldn't have been the person I was when we met. I miss the strong me and i'm getting that back, that is all that matters now. I love my wife and wish we could be together but without me there is no us and the same on her end. The more i find myself the less it matters what happens in the future, not that it wont hurt if we can't fix it, but I wont feel the need for affection, or intimacy i had been feeling, all i truly need is myself. A relationship can take you beyond what you can acheive yourself but ultimatly you yourself is whats important and the only need.


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## HB2014 (Oct 30, 2014)

Anyonw interested in continuing this support thread? I need to start one today


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'm sure it's on here somewhere, but I can't find it. Someone posted it once but I can't remember where. 

Can someone post the list of things you're supposed to do in the 180?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I guess I just should've googled before asking lol. I've posted it below in case anyone else needs it:

The 180

1. Don?t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don?t point out ?good points? in marriage.

4. Don?t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don?t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don?t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don?t ask for reassurances.

8. Don?t buy or give gifts.

9. Don?t schedule dates together.

10. Don?t keep saying, ?I Love You!? Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don?t sit around waiting on your spouse ? get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don?t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you?re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that ?they (the wayward partner)? are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life?without them!

17. Don?t be nasty, angry or even cold ? Just pull yourself back. Don?t always be so available?for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you?re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don?t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It?s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don?t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It ?ain?t over till it?s over!?

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don?t work out with the affair partner.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Numbers 11, 25 and 31 are the most important. Stick with them and all the others will take place naturally. Also do NOT do them for him/her do them for YOU!


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I went through the 180 as well, but had to do it twice. The first time I was doing it for the wrong reasons, in that I was trying to cause a response from her, so it became a "waiting" game which didn't work and made me feel worse.

The second time I did it, was more natural, I didn't have to consult the list and constantly check myself, it all came natural. I never felt we were married anymore, in the traditional sense, so not talking about it, acting like it and thinking about it, became pretty easy. Not worrying about it anymore took all the stress and hurt away. You do still keep the broken heart, but it gets sealed inside an imaginary box and it no longer affects you.

As I've said in numerous other posts, we do still sleep in the same bed, show some affection, but the whole romance/intimacy aspect is gone.

The danger of the 180 if you're not planning to divorce, is you will run the risk of adapting and settling. You focus on your happiness and no longer the "us" and you end up doing fine with it. You begin to see all of the good things and the bad become not a big deal anymore. 

I would say it is far more effective as a divorce booster than a marriage saver, but that's just me.


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## yellerstang03 (Nov 18, 2015)

Hey, I'm trying to figure this out. Is the 180 only for people dealing with affairs or does it apply to separations/divorces in which there is no affair?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

yellerstang03 said:


> Hey, I'm trying to figure this out. Is the 180 only for people dealing with affairs or does it apply to separations/divorces in which there is no affair?


It can be used for both situations. The main goal is to break an emotional connection to your spouse, to make leaving easier. Some times the other spouse notices a difference, fears really losing their mate and either "comes around" or makes a serious effort, which in turn can save a marriage, but more times than not it is just a precursor to an actual divorce.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

yellerstang03 said:


> Hey, I'm trying to figure this out. Is the 180 only for people dealing with affairs or does it apply to separations/divorces in which there is no affair?


It shouldn't really be situation specific at all, it should be something you are naturally doing for yourself all the time. True, rational self interest gets a bum rap in today's world. It is often mistaken for selfishness or ever worse greed. But the reality is that no one is going to a better advocate for you than you.


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## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

Starting the 180 today. Partly for my own sanity. I was obsessively thinking about my husband (we're separated) and checking his social media, driving by the house, etc. I think doing this will be good for my mental state and will hopefully have some benefits for our marriage.


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## lovecat (Jul 31, 2015)

Started 180 today and have also read Love Must be Tough. Of course I've been doing everything wrong these past few months. At this point, I don't want him back anymore. I just want to move on.


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