# Alone for 15 months so far.....



## CrushedInNY

I've been alone for 15 months so far, and I still hate it.
My original post is here - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...separation-left-5-days-later-another-man.html

I haven't adjusted to being alone, being with my ex everyday for 10 years was I guess too long for me to ever feel "normal" again alone. It doesn't help at all that due to finances, I had to move out of our house 1 year ago, and I've been in a crummy apartment ever since then in South Carolina, instead of being in NY state where I always lived. I've made one new friend in the last couple of months, she's my age, married 18 years, divorced and alone for the last 5 years, and we basically only talk on the phone. It's nice, and I enjoy it, but she doesn't come over here and she doesn't invite me to her place. I think she's even more bitter than I am. 

All I do is work my low paying, high stress job 40 hours per week, come back to this empty apt alone, and sit here alone on my 2 days off. I've tried dating sites, didn't work. I try to meet new people locally, but at my age, women seem either married or divorced and "closed off". 

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this alone thing, I really don't. Plus I live hand to mouth, check to check, and I can't even afford to send my ex her monthly $100 payment anymore. I paid her from January - June, but not since then. After months of not hearing from her, she e-mailed me a couple weeks ago angry about not getting her July and August payments. She said not to reply since she had my IP blocked (I hadn't heard from her in many months), and just to send the money. So, now she can go complain to the court, and since the $100 monthly payments was a court order in the divorce, I risk the court putting out a warrant for my arrest. I may get out of that though because supposedly the court would contact me wanting me to show them how much I make and what my monthly expenses are. If they agree I don't make enough $$$ to pay her too, they'd put a temporary stay on the payments until if or when I'm making more $$$.

The mortgage company called me again last week about wanting to see if I wanted to go back into my foreclosed house.
That came as a surprise because I went through this with them 8 months ago, and in the end in the review board, they denied it because I'm 800 miles away and I don't have a job there.
I can only assume they're scrambling due to the house still not selling, even in a foreclosure auction for well under what it's worth, and the house has been empty for 1 year with them also not getting paid in all that time.
Even if they approved it this time, I don't have the $1,000 or so that it would cost to get a u-haul and drive back to NY state again. Plus then, with a $1,300 per month mortgage, I'd have to find work (not easy in this economy), plus 2 roommates to split the mortgage 3 ways.
I miss my house, I miss home and my friends, I don't want to be alone anymore here. 
I don't think I'll ever get over this depression and anger that my life is what it is now, when I was a husband who never hit, never cheated, always worked, but I was left without warning anyway due to her mental snap / mid-life crisis, and ran off to be with her first BF from age 12, to go live in poverty with him in a trailer in Nevada.


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## HappyHer

I know you are facing many challenges, but focusing on what you don't want, instead of what you do want is not serving you well. Why are you sitting around by yourself for two days every week-end? Volunteer, start serving others, get a part time job and focus on making more money, get into grief counseling, look out in the world and see what you can do in order to create better circumstances as sitting around focusing on your depression and anger is not going to help anything get better.


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## Brewster 59

Wow thats a wild story, mine is as bad if not worse though. I really hope yours and my x get their just dessert in the end though.

So I read your story and have a question, how did you x file in NV, I always heard that you have to prove residency for 6months before being able to file.


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## 827Aug

Where's the rest of your family? I have found my family (parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, nephews,etc.) to be a huge comfort during my crisis.


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## CrushedInNY

Brewster 59 said:


> Wow thats a wild story, mine is as bad if not worse though. I really hope yours and my x get their just dessert in the end though.
> 
> So I read your story and have a question, how did you x file in NV, I always heard that you have to prove residency for 6months before being able to file.


It varies from state to state. In Nevada, the state of "elvis weddings and quickie divorces", you only have to be a resident for 6 weeks, and that's what she did, left in 5/09, divorce papers filed in 7/09, we were divorced 12/09. 
At least I "won" the divorce though. In what is normally a no fault, 50/50 state, the judge advised her to take what I offered when I contested it, which was only about 25%. At the end of the day, she couldn't justify in court running away from a house and 30 year mortgage which she co-owned, from a 10 year marriage which never had any domestic violence in it.


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## CrushedInNY

827Aug said:


> Where's the rest of your family? I have found my family (parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, nephews,etc.) to be a huge comfort during my crisis.


No family. I'm an only child, my dad died in 1985, my mom is a sad case of humanity that I haven't spoken with since the 80's.


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## CrushedInNY

HappyHer said:


> I know you are facing many challenges, but focusing on what you don't want, instead of what you do want is not serving you well. Why are you sitting around by yourself for two days every week-end? Volunteer, start serving others, get a part time job and focus on making more money, get into grief counseling, look out in the world and see what you can do in order to create better circumstances as sitting around focusing on your depression and anger is not going to help anything get better.


Yes, you're right, but this deep depression I've been in for more than a year has sapped all my energy and will from doing anything. I haven't had any $$$ for counseling, and here in S.C. since it's so cheap to live here, a downside is a severe lack of free or cheap programs for anything.

About 12 hours after I posted this thread, I was fired for no reason after 7 months. I was told I did something on a call which I didn't do, management refused to pull the call so I could prove myself. They had fired about 60 people that month, they were way overstaffed, so I was just next in line.
3 days ago, I was informed by S.C. unemployment that I was denied unemployment benefits due to "poor job performance". 

I've applied for tons of jobs since early September, but I can't even get an interview, S.C. has the 5th highest unemployment in the country. I'm almost out of $$$. I posted on facebook asking if anyone in NY is looking for a roommate, I received 1 reply from an old friend. He said he's not really looking for a roommate, but is willing to help out an old friend in trouble, but he also wants $$$, I don't know how much, he hasn't called yet to hash out details. I can't stay here anymore. By mid-November, I'd be completely out of $$$ and then homeless, and I don't have it in me to live anymore if I were homeless and lost my 3 cats and everything else I own. 

I have to leave here by 11/1, I can't pay rent again here. I'll have to get a uhaul 6 x 12 trailer only, I don't have enough $$$ for a truck, the trailer plus hitch and gas will be about $500 to go back to NY.
At least in NY I know some people, so maybe someone can give me a lead or get me into wherever they work.

I'm so tired. It's been 17 months of one struggle after another with no joy. Either I can get back up to NY in the next couple weeks, or I'm finished.


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## sisters359

Find a ride-share board, online or maybe at a college campus. Splitting the cost of the trip, plus having a travel companion for that drive, will make it more possible to do.

It's clear you are depressed, and that will make it hard for you to see things as they are as an opportunity--but they are. You have no binding ties, so you can just pick up and go. Heck, put the cats in a carrier (borrow one from a shelter if you must--offer to show them the postage and a box in which you will return it if you must), and just take a bus back to NY. Sell your stuff--why drag it back with you? Then take any job you can--ANY--and start counseling. You are caught in a negative cycle of thinking, and you will not be able to see that you CAN change the way you think, and make improvements in your life, without help. Yes, stressful things have happened--but some people will look at the same events and think, "Ah, just the push I need to make me take charge of moving my life forward," rather than, "This is hopeless and unbearable." You may not feel up to reframing things right now, but ACT like you do--smile even if you don't feel like it, whistle more, get some fresh air, sunshine, and exercise, and little by little, a thread of hope will return. Oh, and volunteer somewhere, anywhere. You need it as much as some organization needs you. 

Imagine the day you can thank your wife for leaving you b/c it led you to make changes that opened up a world of real joy for you. Yes, that can happen, and probably will. Remember that you must keep moving forward--one foot, one inch, at a time, even when you have no motivation to do so. Make it a daily goal to do one little thing nice for yourself--no matter how small--just because you are a lovable and unique person, because a patch of bad luck is not a reflection of your worth. God bless!


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## lobokies

hi crushed.. be strong brother..

this is the hard phase of your life. 

when the dark is gone... light rising


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## CrushedInNY

CrushedInNY said:


> No family. I'm an only child, my dad died in 1985, my mom is a sad case of humanity that I haven't spoken with since the 80's.


Overdue for an update, so here it is. I've been back in NY state since 11/10, had a temp job with only about 20 hours per week which ended last week. I'm going to a job fair tomorrow for full time work at only $9.75 per hour, we'll see how that goes. I have to move out by 6/1 from my friends place, a change of life for him means no more room for me, and I have 2 tentative places I may be able to go, but nothing definite. I have only about $500 to my name, so if I don't find another job(s) this week or next, I'm in serious trouble. 

I met an attractive woman in her 30's on match.com last month, we got together at her place for our first meeting (her decision), plus she initiated sex with me on the first date. 2 days later, she went all "cold feet" on me and then blew me off. My battered ego definitely needed to feel wanted by an attractive woman again, but at the same time, being "picked up for sex" on a dating site is not something I'm really into. We got along great, similar interests, so it's a shame nothing more developed from it, but it looks like she has "issues".

I quoted myself on "no family" because that's not actually the case. I haven't had any contact with family, until last week, I didn't really know of where anyone was, except for one. As it turns out, a cousin called me who lives around here, I didn't even know about him, nor him about me. Another cousin's wife who I had messaged on facebook, gave him my number so he called last week since we live about 20 minutes from each other. The cousin's wife who had my number, her husband of 30 years, who is of course my (2nd) cousin, he's a well known name, I'd rather not say who at the moment. The local cousin (he's brothers with my cousin's wife I wrote to), it felt to me like a "family interview" when we met last week. He asked me things about my upbringing, as well as saying he knows what info is on the net about our family and he asked me a name and who the person was and when I answered it correctly, he said that info wasn't out there and that he had to make sure I was actually me, not someone pretending to be me. I have to admit that came off totally bizarre to me. I mean, most of the time even I don't wanna be me, so I can't even comprehend someone pretending to be me, how sad would that be? :scratchhead:
About an hour into him and I hanging out and talking, he invited me down to my cousin and wife's place (his brother) with him in a few weeks, so that was nice. I assume if he didn't like me or whatever, he wouldn't have done that. I don't get star struck, I've been around plenty of well known bands through the years, but since I'd be hanging out at my cousin's house who I don't personally know, and he can be seen starring in a prime time show on NBC every week, I may feel a bit out of my element. Then again, I may not. His wife looks and sounds very sweet, I've watched interviews on youtube of her with the work she does, and the cousin I met said they're private, and into family, which I guess makes sense since they're wanting or willing to open their door to get to know me. I'm hoping if I get really lucky, since they all already know I'm in a big jam work / financial wise, and since it's often not what you know, but who you know, that maybe they can make some calls and find me decent work. I'm not looking for a cash handout from them or anyone, but in this awful economy / job market, I don't think it's bad of me to hope that my cousin will use any contacts he may have to help get me a job so that I can just get by on my own.


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## sisters359

You sound better and I'm glad to hear it. I'm sure it is scary at times, but you have handled things thus far. 

Have you looked into something like CNA (certified nursing assistant) training? Some places have a very quick--4 week long--course, and you can earn decent money (for supporting one person, anyway). Be sure to use resources at your public library, INCLUDING THE LIBRARIAN! You may find scholarships and other sources of support you hadn't imagined--and librarians LOVE helping people find stuff! Another possibility--to get you connected as well as getting some financial support--would be to join the National Guard or another branch of the military, if you can. And please, join a church if only for the social component--Unitarians are very welcoming of diverse religious perspectives (in fact, tolerance of diverse perspectives is probably the only real "requirement" to be a good Unitarian Universalist). I'm just brainstorming ideas here for you, so ignore me if you want!

As for your cousins, wow, how nice they looked for you! Let's hope--for your sake--you find comfort in this part of your family. Of course you don't want to take advantage of anyone, but family is there for a reason--for those tough times. Don't be afraid to let them know times have been hard and you are making efforts to improve your life, that you REALLY appreciate the contact and you don't want to "overstay your welcome." Be sure to talk about the efforts you are making, because that will help them get to know you. In other words, it's ok to say times have been tough as part of showing you have really made a lot of changes and have handled a lot on your own--you deserve credit for what you are doing and have done! Your family will be proud of you; I know I'd be, if you were my cousin! Good luck!


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## Jellybeans

Have you considered getting anti-depressants? Sorry you find yourself in a deep depression. Divorce is extremely traumatic.  Especially to the spouse who did not want a divorce. It is seriously like having someone light your insides on fire and throwing gas on it.

Nonetheless, you will prevail and come out in the end. Start doing things you enjoy, surround yourself with friends and family, start a new activity, workout regiment, download some new fun songs to your iPod or computer, spring clean.


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## Lazarus

sisters359 said:


> You sound better and I'm glad to hear it. I'm sure it is scary at times, but you have handled things thus far.
> 
> Have you looked into something like CNA (certified nursing assistant) training? Some places have a very quick--4 week long--course, and you can earn decent money (for supporting one person, anyway). Be sure to use resources at your public library, INCLUDING THE LIBRARIAN! You may find scholarships and other sources of support you hadn't imagined--and librarians LOVE helping people find stuff! Another possibility--to get you connected as well as getting some financial support--would be to join the National Guard or another branch of the military, if you can. And please, join a church if only for the social component--Unitarians are very welcoming of diverse religious perspectives (in fact, tolerance of diverse perspectives is probably the only real "requirement" to be a good Unitarian Universalist). I'm just brainstorming ideas here for you, so ignore me if you want!
> 
> As for your cousins, wow, how nice they looked for you! Let's hope--for your sake--you find comfort in this part of your family. Of course you don't want to take advantage of anyone, but family is there for a reason--for those tough times. Don't be afraid to let them know times have been hard and you are making efforts to improve your life, that you REALLY appreciate the contact and you don't want to "overstay your welcome." Be sure to talk about the efforts you are making, because that will help them get to know you. In other words, it's ok to say times have been tough as part of showing you have really made a lot of changes and have handled a lot on your own--you deserve credit for what you are doing and have done! Your family will be proud of you; I know I'd be, if you were my cousin! Good luck!


This is very good advice and moving back to your home State was a good move. I think the idea of the care course is good b/c like food, people need it. It could help meantime and if family come up trumps even better.

You are doing remarkably well and even if you don't see it, you deserve a pat on the back for what youv'e done so far. Well done. 

The system is dreadful and there is little support but as Sisters359 says look at everything as an opportunity which is the way to go. If something doesn't happen the way you want it, don't take it personally, just think what they've lost, a guy willing to work, just move on to next job app, that one might be better. 

Sisters 359 offers insight which I hope helps. Keep us updated on your progress. You will get through this difficult period.

You might want to search out some free events and look into community garden projects too. These are very good places in which to find cheap or free fruit and veg and veg dishes can be tasty and economical.


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## oceanbreeze

it sounds like you're in a much better state then you were many months ago! and being home probably helped too! and on the upside, your family contacted you and wanted to get to know you. i, also, hope they can give a helping hand. *fingers crossed*


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## CrushedInNY

It was raining 2 years ago tonight here, just as it is raining again tonight. 2 years ago tonight she drove off, never to be seen again, and began my far too long ascent into emotional and financial hell, which still isn't over. I'm gonna keep this brief for now, as I'm not in a good state of mind at all right now.
Maybe you'll read about me shortly on The Daily Freeman: Serving the Hudson Valley since 1871 (DailyFreeman.com)


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## stbxhmaybe

I know how it feels. It's been 15 months since the last time I saw my ex-wife. I know it's not over, I know life will go on but it's those times like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. that trigger those hurtful memories.

We have to keep on believing that better times will come, it's been a long journey my friend. A journey that I would like to come to an end eventually and we'll find ourselves happy, but even happier that these times are long gone and not longing for the past. 

Be strong...


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## Runs like Dog

You need to pick up the phone and call someone, anyone, right now. You need to talk to some listening ear. You need to call a hotline, talk to a priest, a doctor, a friend, someone. You need to get help ASAP. Even if that means walking into the ER. Right now.


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## sisters359

One of the effects of depression is the feeling that it will never go away. You may be experiencing that, so get help, as rlikedog said, NOW. Don't worry about money--if you don't have any, the hospital has to treat you anyway. You cannot even imagine feeling better, but everyone I know who has gotten treated for depression has recovered. Every single person. That's a great track record for treatment--it is not an uncommon illness and the meds today are really good. Reach out one more time, to professionals. Let them help you. Then tell your cousin and ask him for help. Tell a minister. Tell anyone who will listen. You will be surprised at the compassion in the hearts of strangers. God bless; I'm thinking of you with prayers in my heart.


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## Chris H.

If you're thinking about committing suicide, please call 911 or the national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You may be able to get into a hospital or community mental health center where you could get the help you need.

You don't have to live the rest of your life feeling the way you do now. I know it sounds hard to believe, but many of us have been where you are right now, and are doing much, much better.


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## caughtdreaming

Crushed...Please come back and say you're alive. We are all thinking of you.... 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/5751-my-wife-said-she-wants-separation-left-5-days-later-another-man.html


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## brighterlight

Has anyone heard anything from Crushed? His last post has really stuck with me since I was on here when he posted it and all I could do was reply back for him to hang on. Hoping he was able to find some support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422

crushed: I pray that you didn't do want you were contemplating.
Please don't do it, have faith, punch pillows, exercise get rid of the anger. The only person that it is hurting is YOU. Get emergency help. Please don't do it. You are worth more than an end to a sad story. You can change your story. You can make this positive by getting out of yourself, helping others that are in similiar situations, or needy or displaced.

You are not alone. Everyone of us has thought of ending it but we slogged on. It will get better if you let it go. If you hang onto all of the negative emotions, it will eat away at you.

Trust me I know the pain. I was married & with SO for 10 yrs. He began an EA, left me with 50bucks for 4 months, my unemployment dropped and I owe $2200, have to hit my teeny IRA to pay bills. Stuck in same house with cheating X, no job, no income. I live in a county whose unemployment rate is 15%.

You will get through this. Join a church support group for divorced people. Get to a priet or minister (they're free). Spill your guts.

YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO GROW. DON'T STOP UNTIL THE MIRACLE HAPPENS. It will, have Faith.


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## boutrosboutros

Good to see you posting again, buddy. Lots of people read your posts here and were really moved by your situation. Stick at it. Don't let her win by breaking your spirit.


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## Chaparral

Just thought you might like to know: Cheating couples only have a 1 in 10 chance of having a long term relationship with each other. Of those 1 in 10 only 1 in 10 have a chance at a long term marriage. That equals 1 out of 100 . The wheels fall off because cheaters can't trust each other. Cheating is character defect that repeats more often than not. Cheaters cheat, its what they do. 80% of couples that cheat regret getting a divorce and not working through it. Move on with the knowledge that that your going to be better off. All the men I've Known that have been cheated on have said they ended up better off than before while divorce has been a disaster for the cheating wife. Sometimes it takes a while but it happens. One friends ex thinks he is trying to punish her and her alimony is about to run out. No, he just wants her to find a boyfriend and stay the hell away. The OM just wanted a little fling something she didn't know he had done over and over. Dumped her before the divorce was final.


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## brighterlight

CrushedInNY said:


> I'm very sorry that I upset anyone here.
> I was in the hospital briefly, I actually did go out that evening and was planning on ending my life, but the police found me minutes before that happened, and legally they had to take me to get evaluated. I wasn't there very long, I convinced them that me being committed for weeks, like they wanted to do with me, would kill me, not help me. Since I have no PTO at my job since I've only been there less than 3 months, I wouldn't earn any pay, might get fired, wouldn't be able to pay rent, then I'd be evicted and homeless, so they let me go.
> For now, since it was pretty random that the police found me, I'm choosing to believe what a multi suicide attempt person told me, in that it means I'm still supposed to be alive.


Christ Crushed, man it's good to hear from you! I haven't been on here for a few days and missed this post. Keep at it, hang in there and you will see that after some time has passed you will look back on this time and wonder how you ever got to such a low point. I will pray thanks that you are OK. You had us all rattled a bit on here. A lot of people on this forum will be relieved.

Sparkles, he is well. :smthumbup:


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