# HUGE difference in libido/lack of sex



## Butane (Apr 8, 2012)

Hello everyone, this will be my first post here, although I wish my first post could have been on a lighter note. 

To start with, I am 19 and my husband is 37, I knew obviously that due to our age difference that there would probably be a difference in our libidos but I wasn't expecting it to differ this much, mainly do to the fact that before we even started dating my husband talked about sex and experimentation almost constantly, he also made wild predictions when we did start dating about how our sex life would be, basically I mean to say that he portrayed his libido much higher than what I've experienced.

We've only been married about 3 months and as it is I'm lucky if we have sex once every two weeks (we didn't even have sex on our wedding night), although to be honest we've never had sex as much as I'd like, and before anyone jumps to conclusions, I have spoken to him about this issue numerous times, I've also tried not talking about it at all, and also only mentioning it every once in a while and I get the same result: nothing has changed.

We have a great relationship and neither of us are overly stressed, it's just that our sex life is almost none existent and it truly bothers me. For a while I thought it could be me, that I was maybe not attractive enough for him or something of that nature, even though he's told me countless times that this isn't the case, so I don't know what the problem is, I mean he's only 37, his sex drive shouldn't be that low in my opinion, especially because he's married to a 19 year old. 

He keeps telling me that he'll try to make it a priority, and a line of other excuses but nothing ever changes, and no more of an effort is made on his part. I really am at the end of my rope, I feel like I am unattractive, and I don't appeal to him sexually, also I'm just extremely frustrated because of the lack of sex to the point I feel inwardly loathsome of myself and maybe even secretly angry at him. 

Is it wrong for me to find sex as important as I do? Is there anything I can do to rectify the current situation? Has anyone else dealt with something similar?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This would be a huge problem for me and one I would not accept. What does he say when you try to initiate sex? Does he say I'm too tired or does he just pull away?

There are always differences in drive and the low desire partner tends to set the actually frequency , but you are still in your honemoon and should be on each othe like white on rice! You should probably seek some professional help.
Sorry you are experiencing this problem so early in your marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dogs chase firetrucks but you never see a dog driving one. Sounds like he caught his firetruck and now finds himself unable to do anything with it. Maybe the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Could be a medical explanation (low T?). If he suspects you're anxious to get pregnant, he could just not be eager to be a dad.


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## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

I was 22 when I married a 37 year old man. At first our sex life was frequent although he never lasted longer than 10 minutes and that was from first touch to clean-up. About year three, things began slowing down in regards to frequency. By the time I reached 37, we had gone five years without any sex. We have now been married 30 years. Our sex life has been almost nonexistent for most of those 30 years. Like you I tried talking about it and not talking about it. I've offered to do counseling but he refuses. He has always said he finds me desirable and will try to focus more on increasing the frequency. However any change has always been short lived. The only thing I've asked for is an increase in frequency. I've never said anything about how quick any sex we have has been. He once told me he thinks the reason we don't have sex is my eagerness is intimidating his performance. I've never criticized his performance. I've always been eager to have sex anyway he wants to have it. 

My advice is to divorce. This issue will not improve. He will try temporarily to keep you there but it will soon stop. I'm now 53 years old and I regret having given up sex to maintain this marriage. A marrIage without sex is not a good marriage. Intimacy suffers and resentments develop. Even my husband has resentments. I don't know what they are because he won't talk about it, but he tells me he has them. My daughter and her husband were home and I noticed how they snuggle on the couch as they watch TV. My husband never do that. This is so sad. Don't put yourself through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off nothing wrong with you feeling that sex is important. It is! 

Secondly, while it's hard don't let his lack of libido make you feel unattractive (believe me I know how easy it is to feel that way). This has more to do with his libido than your attractiveness.

My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years now, and she's (almost) never been interested in sex (we didn't have sex all honeymoon). Meanwhile my libido is through the rough still (and I'm almost 40). So believe me I know what you're going through, as we still struggle with it.

I'd have his testosterone checked out by a doctor immediately. At his age there's no reason why he couldn't have a huge sex drive.

Have your husband see a sex therapist (or see one with him). Get to the bottom of this ASAP. Don't let it wait around.

Use birth control and keep from getting pregnant until things get worked out. Life will get a lot more complicated once children are in the picture.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

No the huge difference is you are 19 and he is 37!!!!!! You have way more issues then just sex..


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## Butane (Apr 8, 2012)

I find your comment both rude and ignorant. I may be young and have a husband twice my age but at least I have the decency to keep myself from spewing poison just because I disagree with something.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Butane said:


> I find your comment both rude and ignorant. I may be young and have a husband twice my age but at least I have the decency to keep myself from spewing poison just because I disagree with something.


Sorry if I came off rude.... Ignorant far from it. Ask any father of a 19 year old, who would announce their marriage to a 37 year old, and I promise you I am not the ignorant one.


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## Butane (Apr 8, 2012)

I do not believe I asked for an opinion about whether or not my situation was approved of, did I? 

I asked a very different question and it is not for you to take upon yourself to critique the life I chose and love.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I stand by what I said before, get him to a sex therapist asap, and don't get pregnant until this is resolved to your satisfaction. This won't go away on it's own.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

The problem with libido/lack of sex I promise you in some way is due to the age difference. Sorry you did not read between the lines.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A 37 year old man who marries a 19 year old... He probably craves more of a father daughter relationship than a husband / wife relationship... This would explain his lack of sexuality toward you.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm not saying I'd want to have my 19 yr old daughter marry a 30-something man, but I think you may be going down the wrong track.

I knew a couple when I was in college (the wife was basically like a 2nd mom during my college years), and this couple had an age difference of 15 years. She was in her early 20's when they married. They had a very healthy and loving relationship, it can happen. It wasn't about money, nor about him trying to get some sort of father/daughter relationship, nor was it an older guy trying to score with some young babe. Those two just found each other and loved each other.

There are complications with any relationship and certainly some complications when the age differences are large, but it's not insurmountable.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I'm not saying I'd want to have my 19 yr old daughter marry a 30-something man, but I think you may be going down the wrong track.
> 
> I knew a couple when I was in college (the wife was basically like a 2nd mom during my college years), and this couple had an age difference of 15 years. She was in her early 20's when they married. They had a very healthy and loving relationship, it can happen. It wasn't about money, nor about him trying to get some sort of father/daughter relationship, nor was it an older guy trying to score with some young babe. Those two just found each other and loved each other.
> 
> There are complications with any relationship and certainly some complications when the age differences are large, but it's not insurmountable.


Why are people NOT JUDGMENTAL here????? This is a 19 year old probably in the relationship from age 17 with someone who's old enough to be her father. Sorry very little chance that this is a healthy relationship.

I cringe when I read these stories and the least of my worries is the SEX or lack thereof that they are having.....


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Why are people NOT JUDGMENTAL here????? This is a 19 year old probably in the relationship from age 17 with someone who's old enough to be her father. Sorry very little chance that this is a healthy relationship.
> 
> I cringe when I read these stories and the least of my worries is the SEX or lack thereof that they are having.....


The thing is, she's already married.

I guess if I were to consider being judgmental, and I knew them, it would have been before they got married.

At this point the best we can do is advice her given the situation she's in (which is a marriage she's trying to work with). Judging her w/o offering advice short of "divorce" doesn't seem very constructive to me. Especially since we don't know all the details.

I'd also like to point out as a point to consider, would you feel differently if this was a 19 yr old young man married to a woman 17 years older?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> The thing is, she's already married.
> 
> I guess if I were to consider being judgmental, and I knew them, it would have been before they got married.
> 
> ...


Of course I'd say the same thing to a 19 year old male. Moreso because I expect him not to be drinking yet, deciding on a career, his friends, children..... I'd think he was thinking with one thing only..... His ****. 

The point is this girl should be extracating herself from this mess and I refuse to talk to her as an "adult" about sex matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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