# I screwed up and wanna vent



## big (Feb 3, 2012)

First, we have been married for 17 years dated on/off for 5 years before marrying. So we know each other very well. Our fights are mostly about lack of sex, or caused by lack of sex tension. We usually have sex once a week or at least every two weeks. With us having a teenager and a 9 year old it is harder to schedule the time. So I think our sex life has become dictated by schedules and not passion. I am very into sex, my wife has become less into it over the past few years, so when the time comes I think it should be purty intense. So our last few fights have been over sex when I have had too many drinks, I want it and she doesn't. OK I know it belongs to her and when she says no it means no. With that being said I screwed up! We had been out at a friends 40th BD party, way too many drinks, kids outta the house, she is feeling frisky too, we start and it gets real passionate and I try to take it on over to the wrong place, she turns OFF. Stops, NO NOTHING. I say Im sorry, nada no more, so in my drunken state I commence to throwing the biggest friggin fit, throwing things, saying things screamin in her face. She said she was afraid that I might hit her. Yes I screwed up! I will tell ya that I have never struck her,pushed her, shoved her, or any violent aggressive way. I was extremely drunk and that is the only thing I can say in my defense. Which that really is no help. I don't want to lose this woman, I love her from the core of my being. I guess I just have this guilt eating my ass up is why I even looked up this site. I found it by googling "I screwed up my marriage". But anyway I just needed to vent. I really can't vent to my buds cause I start to teer up. She said she loves me but needs some time to get over this, and ******* me said I was tired of being sorry, why cant I just STFU sometimes. Well it has only been a week since my wrecklessness tried to destroy our marriage so I guess I just need to let her get over it and hopefully move on. Something that did hit me hard today was on Facebook and totally unrelated to our fight(we keep our personal issues very private) but anyway a woman had posted that men who have daughters should remember how they treat their wife and see if they would allow some man to treat their daughter that way. Well all I can say is that if my daughter were to tell me somone treated her the way I just had treated my wife, there would be hell to pay. So note to self STFU and better start treating her right. See I feel better already, got it all off of my chest.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Good vent!:smthumbup:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Venting is good. 

I can see/hear your remorse...you now have to convince your wife of it.

I can fully understand your anger and frustration but, as you know, it's never ok to frighten our loved ones.

What are you doing to show her how much you want to right things? Other than telling her everyday.


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## big (Feb 3, 2012)

So are you a woman? Are you saying that I should be taking some kind of action. Yes I have apologized till I can no longer stand to grovel anymore. I do laundry periodically, last sunday as a matter of fact, I clean house periodically, usually we do it together because we both work, we mostly share all of the chores around the house(inside) I do the outside stuff. Should I try something cheesy, or should I just let her alone and let her decide. I think if I buy her something or try something cheesy she will think I just wanna have some makeup sex and move on.maybe I am putting way too much thought into this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you both work outside the home, doing your part of the chores is not anything special. Not any more than her doing her part of the chores. That's just what people need to do to live.

I would think that doing something like buying her flowers and putting a nice note on it would help. It's not goveling, it's showing your love.

You could also do some nice things for her... like when she comes home from work have a hot bath ready for her. Hand her a glass of wine (But now sipping wine yourself )and tell her to go relax while you get dinner ready. A few romantic things followed by nothing more than a tender hug and "I love you" can go a long way.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Have you asked her what you can do to make this right? What does she need from you? 
She may not know the answer straight away but if you give her some time to think about she may be able to come up with the answer you clearly want/need.

Hopefully your not grovelling (that's both unattractive and demeaning).. hopefully your doing loving acts to show her your sorry and trying to make amends.

Somewhere along the line though you still have to address what caused this situation to occur... no sex is not OK for you and not what you expected out of your marriage. 
Sex if often referred to as a barometer..that gauge the health of the marriage.
No sex (barring medical issues)usually indicates SOMEONE is not happy within the marriage.

Yes I'm female.. your post resonated with me... I dated with someone once (he was sweet and gentle when sober) who when he drank would often scare me and bully me (he progressed to hitting me and that's when i dumped him). You can't love someone who frightens/hurts you no matter how many times they apologise.
The drinking also means you may say really hurtful things...that you may believe deep down but wouldn't normally say, at least not in the tactless way you do when drunk.
You can evertake back those words either...as you know.


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## PaGuy (Feb 1, 2012)

Yea man you messed up.. its ok.. you manned up to it. Women are tough creatures, make guys do dumb things they wouldnt normally do.. Keep working on it to make things better


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Stop arguing about sex. 

It makes you look pathetic in her eyes and gives all the power away. Instead, start making yourself more desirable to her. Play, kiss, cuddle, show affection. Stop making sex the final outcome of any loving interaction between the two of you.

Next, stop puking your problems all over her. There is nothing more repelling to a woman, than a man that "victim whines" about how unhappy he is. Multiply that by 10 if the puke is about the lack of sex. Learn to talk to her, learn to listen to her.

Next, control your substances. Go someplace where people are drinking, but stay sober. It will quickly be obvious how unbelievably irritating a drunk person is. Not saying don't drink, just saying don't lose control. If you can't control, don't indulge.

Finally, you apologized. Fine, don't apologize again. Once is enough. The true apology will come over time when you do not repeat the behavior that you knew was inappropriate.

And here you go, read away:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Buy her a card, write her a note in it telling her you love her and that you're sorry you hurt her and leave it for her. 

And do your venting here.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

When you screw up .... you SHOULD grovel.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

SunnyT said:


> When you screw up .... you SHOULD grovel.


NO!!!!!!:scratchhead:

He has apologised...more than once.... that's enough

Expecting grovelling is simply a power trip for the one side of the relationship to make the 'bad' person suffer... how can that help rebuild a loving and caring marriage?

OP needs to now SHOW his wife his remorse through his actions.

Hope it's working cause he sounded so very nice and so very sorry.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

IMO that's not an offense worthy of "I need time to think about things".

Here in the real world, arguments happen and things get heated. It's too easy to get divorced now. To just throw up our hands and say to hell with it when faced with adversity. To abondon our commitments.

Sure what you did wasn't good. But I truly wouldn't believe someone if they said they've never lost control in an argument with their spouse.


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## big (Feb 3, 2012)

Hey I appreciate the feedback and agree with a whole lot of the comments, things lightened up over the course of the weekend and I do believe we will make it thru this. I am glad I got to vent, glad I found this site. Thanks again, all of ya


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Is this the first time you have exploded like this? Do you have a temper and if so, how often does it come out?

Have you had problems with your actions when drinking in the past? How often and how did that effect your wife.

The reason I ask is that it is rare that this type of action comes out for the first time 17 years into a relationship. You need to get this behavior undercontrol.

Mistys Dad hit alot of this on the head. You need to work on you (after all, it is the only person that you can control). Also, take a look at the Married Man's Sex Life, which gives some great information on helping to get your sex life back up and running.


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