# Wandering eyes...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I am being kept from my sleep, shocked at how easily my feelings can change for someone, if not temporary. Last night I met an astonishing woman, a woman that captured me and with those eyes managed to make me forget that I'm exclusively dating someone.

However, I had to disappoint her. Still, I felt regret over missing such an opportunity, despite doing what can be considered, the "right" thing to do.

During marriage this has happened before, but I dealt with it the same; let it happen (the infactuation), sleep it off, and forget about the next day, making the decision to stay loyal before entertaining any other thoughts. By the next day or at most a week, the adoration and appreciation I had for my wife returned.

Yet I am not married now, and only recently started dating again so the temptation is stronger. How do you guys deal with wandering eyes? Is there a better solution?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Really? 106 views and no replies? Is there really no other solution?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*sigh*


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Break up with the girl you're with and ask this new one out? Am I missing something?

Like you said you're just dating her. Just don't cheat on her and your fine imo.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's been years since I found a good thing so I'm a tad annoyed that only now are the ladies are coming out of the closet - when I'm "taken"! Bah!

Current date hasn't given me a reason to let her go, well, either than no sex at the moment (she's conservative)... the new girl though, I just don't know her but got infactuated. Was hoping there's a better way to control my emotions as consciously I would rather stick to one, but my eyes/balls seem to have a mind of its own.

Still... I turned her down so, not like I can go back and say "yeah, ok, I'll break up with my gf for you" lol


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hot woman are hitting on you and you have to disappoint them? I do not see the problem either.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Beauty is nice, but its something you look at from a distance. It says nothing about how much you would enjoy your time with someone. It doesn't even say anything about how much you would enjoy sex with them. 

I've occasionally seen a really beautiful woman - it puts an involuntary smile on my face, maybe a brief daydream. Maybe I'm just wise (== old) enough to know that she is better as a fantasy attached to a face, rather than as a real person.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is a lot of range between a rare beauty and ugly. I at least find a lot of women attractive. Not all by any means, but a lot.

There is the occasional woman that I think is exceptionally beautiful. Nice to look at, like art, but nothing more. 





opuss said:


> Yeah ok.
> 
> I don't know about you Richard, and I don't want to even know what your wife looks like, but I can look at a stunning supermodel from a distance and I know the sex will be considerably better and I'd really enjoy my time with her as compared to some beach whale who tips the scales at 300 lbs.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I am being kept from my sleep, shocked at how easily my feelings can change for someone, if not temporary. Last night I met an astonishing woman, a woman that captured me and with those eyes managed to make me forget that I'm exclusively dating someone.
> 
> However, I had to disappoint her. Still, I felt regret over missing such an opportunity, despite doing what can be considered, the "right" thing to do.
> 
> ...


The "best solution" for you is to discover why it's so difficult for you to "do the right thing."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> There is the occasional woman that I think is exceptionally beautiful. Nice to look at, like art, but nothing more.


Then she opens her mouth, and many times she becomes repulsive. 

But well, the lady I met last night, impressed me instead. Annoying!



> Maybe I'm just wise (== old) enough to know that she is better as a fantasy attached to a face, rather than as a real person.


Perhaps, good point.



VeryHurt said:


> The "best solution" for you is to discover why it's so difficult for you to "do the right thing."


Probably because opportunities like these with impressive 10/10 women don't knock twice. Still, currently reminding myself that I already have a 10/10 (so far), and made the right choice not to jeopardise my relationship with her.

I'm slowly getting out of the fog... hell


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There's nothing wrong with not being monogamous if that's not your thing. If you want to date others, you should do so, and not feel obligated to do something that truly doesn't suit your natural self. Be true to you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I probably just need sex 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Crush (Jan 26, 2016)

Are you two "just dating" or "together exclusively"? Have yall had a talk about being exclusive?


If you are just dating her and there has been no talk of being exclusive then the other woman is fair game


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Current date hasn't given me a reason to let her go, well, other than no sex at the moment (she's conservative)...


Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute...

So you're telling us you are in an exclusive relationship with a woman who won't sleep with you?

Are you sure you're not married? It's either that or you're crazy!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Are you exclusive? If not, you can pursue this. It may be nothing - or the best thing you'll ever find. But, if you are already exclusive, you did the right thing. Are you sure you want to be exclusive? That's a decision that should be slow in the making, IMO.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Exclusively dating, she just wants it to feel right n fir us to go slow. Annoying though yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I guess I made a hasty decision to date exclusively... still I could not have expected to meet 2 promising women within 2 months of each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I like that everyone goes with the monogamy answer. It is so ingrained in our culture and religion. There are many of us that do not have monogamous marriages and can let our bodies wander along with our eyes. Think outside of the box. I married a bisexual woman who likes girls as much as I do and the sad part is most times the women we pick up are more attracted to her than me. I have to compete against my own wife. But as a commenter said, there are much bigger problems out there.

All three of my girlfriends in my adult life are bisexual and liked to play as a couple with others. My wife had sex with a guy so I could have sex with his wife, for instance. It is called wife swapping. Even in my retirement community there is a wife swapping club. In fact, every city we moved to had a local wife swapping or "key" club. My wife set me up with her girlfriend so that she could join in later and do what she wanted to do to her since they were 15. Shocking! We just do not place as much magical and sacred powers on sex. Sex is not just for making love anymore. Married over 40 years and have had a fantastic life with lots of love. I found women whose eyes wandered as much as mine or more. My wife is a chick magnet. Wherever we go, women turn their heads to look at her. Sometimes I walk far behind her to watch the ladies look at my wife.

What you may want to do is what we did, have a poly relationship or open one, whatever you wish to call it. My wife and I shared her best friend for most of our marriage, even after our girlfriend got married to a guy who also was nonmonogamous. Most of our friends had sex with others, singularly or as a couple. We did not believe in serial monogamy where you have to destroy your existing relationship so that you can morally have sex with another women. For some reason many say serial monogamy where you can destroy a 10 year marriage, sell the house, pay alimony and child support and hate the women you used to love, is a better and morally correct way to go if you want to have sex with another woman. We can see how well that is working out by the statistics and stories of cheating found on this website. Humans do not share well. I know that but my wife and I knew that we would never leave each other for someone else so we never got jealous. Neither did our girlfriend and her husband.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr... no
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really don't think it is wise for a conservative girl who feels this way to be mismatched with a man who isn't of a similar mindset... I think you should just let her go Random Dude.. you've always had wandering eyes.. and you won't be able to hold out for this one, where sex is very meaningful , then you will just break her heart.. let her go.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes I plan to, after a 3-6 months mark - depending on the progress of our relationship. 6 months and still no sex however, then yeah, incompatibility.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There must be something about this girl that is special to you, though. Sex with randoms is very common, and easy to do. I agree that your worldviews might not be compatible, but finding a woman who doesn’t sleep around and believes in waiting to see if a guy cares for her, is a good thing, and in the long term, you might appreciate that type of quality over banging easier women.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, she's very special, she ticks alot of boxes, and my standards are very high. Chances are the new lady I met would have fallen short if I had chosen to date her instead of obligating my exclusivity with my current date. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I really don't think it is wise for a conservative girl who feels this way to be mismatched with a man who isn't of a similar mindset... I think you should just let her go Random Dude.. you've always had wandering eyes.. and you won't be able to hold out for this one, where sex is very meaningful , then you will just break her heart.. let her go.


I agree with SimplyA, 

Here's some questions I thought I would throw out there. I think a big one is do you share the same religion (if any?). It may not seem like a big deal now, but trust me, if she's conservative enough to want to wait for marriage and she's religious, that probably will be important down the road.

Do you share the same conservative and perhaps religious viewpoints as this woman? Until when does she want to wait before having sex? How long have you been dating and how long exclusive? What makes you feel she's a 10/10? Would sexual compatibility be an important factor for you? 
Once she decides to have sex, do you think she would be willing to do all the things you want to do? (i.e. Oral or whatever?)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Her reasons for being conservative are not related to religion, it's due to her simply wanting to wait until the time is right. She doesn't like to sleep around and has her own standards for herself. I hold no such standards or judgements, for me a woman who has slept with 100+ men is judged no differently from a woman who has slept with 1 or 2. However I can accommodate and understand as well as respect her reasons.

We have been dating exclusively since we started, but only officially exclusive recently, only a little over a month. She's a 10/10 as so far I have not found a flaw with her. Sexual compatibility is important for me yes but it's something I can not judge as of yet.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> I probably just need sex
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





RandomDude said:


> Yes I plan to, after a 3-6 months mark - depending on the progress of our relationship. 6 months and still no sex however, then yeah, incompatibility.


You are no longer married, you are in a position to be selfish (nothing wrong with that) so best to take advantage of. It is clear that sex is already an issue for you. Do you honestly believe that somehow it will get better? IDK, she may tick off many of the boxes for you, but without sex (or minimal amount) those boxes seem pointless and will slowly lose their appeal. I say move on, find someone who is better aligned with what you are looking for currently.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If there were more women like her who can tick off the boxes she did then sure, I would be willing to dump her because of no sex.

Unfortunately that is not the case, and I meet women in the thousands every year.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> If there were more women like her who can tick off the boxes she did then sure, I would be willing to dump her because of no sex.
> 
> Unfortunately that is not the case, and I meet women in the thousands every year.


Is she comfortable even talking about sex with you, or is it just simply "I want to take it slow" and leave it at that? Also, has she given any indication of when she might be ready, or it is just open ended?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She is comfortable yes, but her experience with it is limited, hence our conversations about it is also limited. I also don't like to talk about it too much with her as I don't want to come across as some guy only after sex. She has nothing against non-sexual touches and we do make out fairly often. As for when she might be ready, I have a feeling I will know when the time comes. But I also know I can't wait forever too.

Overall it's not that big an issue at present between us, the issue however, does seem to cause wandering eyes and the usual frustrations of being sexless.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Her reasons for being conservative are not related to religion, it's due to her simply wanting to wait until the time is right. She doesn't like to sleep around and has her own standards for herself. *I hold no such standards or judgements, for me a woman who has slept with 100+ men is judged no differently from a woman who has slept with 1 or 2. However I can accommodate and understand as well as respect her reasons.*
> 
> We have been dating exclusively since we started, but only officially exclusive recently, only a little over a month. She's a 10/10 as so far I have not found a flaw with her. Sexual compatibility is important for me yes but it's something I can not judge as of yet.


really? None ? I have to agree with others this is never going to work if both of you have such contrasting viewpoints on sex and relationships. Sounds to me like she is holding off because she knows guys like you won't stay for the long haul where guys like me would. You talk about checking off boxes, this is an awfully big box that isn't going to be checked. 

Do you really even want a relationship? Sounds like you would rather date and no commitment. Nothing wrong with that but why do you feel the need to have a relationship with her or anyone when you seem to want to just play the field?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I guess I made a hasty decision to date exclusively...


I would say so. I simply can't wrap my head around it. Especially because you say its NOT for religious reasons (even that is a cop out unless you're a virgin saving yourself for marriage). To me, the reason you become exclusive is you don't want someone else's sloppy seconds. Bottom line. You can "get to know" more than one person if that's all your doing atm.

Honestly, I'd tell her if she wants to continue to have meals together or whatever PG-13 related stuff you do with her then fine but you plan on being available to explore other options as they become available. Maybe this new girl isn't so inhibited and actually enjoys getting her freak on. This current girl has eventual sexless relationship written all over her.

There's really no reason to be in a committed relationship without sex. Sounds like she's getting all her emotional needs met and you're the chump whose physical needs she can neglect. If it were me, I'd get out of this exclusivity contract until there is a REAL reason to be in one (ie not wanting sharing sex partners). You can always revisit it later.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So what am I supposed to do at this point? Tell my current girl, "errr, yeah, I don't think we should be exclusive yet, its too early to make such a commitment", then chase after the new girl and go "errr, yeah not committed to anyone anymore, lets hang out" ? Might lose current girl and get nothing from new girl...

Then back to celibacy for another few years until someone else turns up!

Probability dictates meeting 2 great women within 2 months of each other means chances are that's my luck already over-reaching here hence won't be able to meet anyone else who's decent for next few years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> So what am I supposed to do at this point? Tell my current girl, "errr, yeah, I don't think we should be exclusive yet, its too early to make such a commitment", then chase after the new girl and go "errr, yeah not committed to anyone anymore, lets hang out" ? Might lose current girl and get nothing from new girl...
> 
> Then back to celibacy for another few years until someone else turns up!
> 
> Probability dictates meeting 2 great women within 2 months of each other means chances are that's my luck already over-reaching here hence won't be able to meet anyone else who's decent for next few years.


I'm going to tell you to be damn honest about your frustration here.. Personally as a good girl back then and wanting to wait.. I'd be awfully helpful to getting him off so he knew I wasn't a prude.. I loved being touched too. I just had a line drawn in the sand about "going all the way"... 

I realize others think this is asinine for a woman to do.. but why the hell should every horny Joe who comes along get a piece of a$$ if some of us feel that is very very very special.. 

I can't relate fully to your new woman.. as I was more on the christian side of things.... but I was also very horny myself...you gotta have some fun or having a BF would be utter torture ! 

Be real with her.. what can you loose.. I do give you some credit for holding out this long.. with a woman LIKE THIS.. I'm a little impressed.. though I am wondering what in the world is SHE is thinking with your history of F*** buddies.. 

I'd never trust you to hold out..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have been celibate for a year, probably why she reckons I can hold out. I'm also tired of my FWB lifestyle.

Anyway I haven't been holding out that long, only over a month.

Been thinking though, the new girl is actually quite contactable due to my network, it could be possible for me to just be friends with her for now and case her out. Perhaps I'll find some dealbreakers, perhaps I'll find she's even better than current girl - who knows. I was friends with ex-wife for a year before we got together, due to having another gf at the time. Besides... friends! It was an emotional affair though, even though unmarried.

I dunno


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like maybe you're changing, growing...and want something more special. I think you respect this woman you're dating, and that feels good. Not every woman you've probably dated, or slept with...you've respected. Respect changes things, and makes the person worth 'waiting' for. But, maybe tell her your struggles. If she cares about you, she should be willing to listen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Not sure if I should tell her right now that she has "competition", but yeah going to see if I can meet up with new girl n see if she is as great as the first impression she gave me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That's a turn off...to be told you have competition. lol You probably have competition too, she just doesn't tell you nor does she entertain it.  Be careful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She has alot of guys after her, she tells me all about it. Not sure if shes holding back on telling me about some guys but ahe has been very transparent so far, even gave me access to her phone while she was telling me about a particular guy.

also why I feel a tad guilty... but I dunno
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Can you tell gf that you don't have the "exclusive feelings" anymore and that you want to be able to spend time with other women?

If you were totally smitten with gf I don't think you would be regretting not being available for woman #2.

If you start seeing woman #2 while still dating gf #1 (after you have told her you no longer want to be exclusive) you need to stop the physical stuff and not do it with either one until you become exclusive with one of them.....otherwise you will become a player and you will lose both of them and deserve it.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Go for the newest infatuation. You'll likely lose the woman you are dating right now, but does that matter? Settle on one when you are ready to settle on one. Otherwise, you are not being fair to your current GF or to yourself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I plan to tell her, after I suss out the new girl - we could end up just being friends after all

Honestly I doubt new girl can tick off as many boxes as current gf anyway but guess its worth sussing out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I absolutely love your posts @intheory - how true and to the







of what it's really all about .. at the end of the day..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> Thanks, SA.
> 
> But it's true, isn't it? For most of life's issues, there isn't some special, unique "trick" that will solve the problem.
> 
> ...


Yes.. absolutely.. the more I think about it.. the more RD should just dump her... I mean...she ticks all these boxes for him...which is virtually impossible to find, sorting through thousands he said..... but still it's not enough to catch his heart.. I would think she is looking forward to fusing her body with his too.. *IF* he's the right man... 

Good for her for not jumping in.. as what will be playing down with these 2... would have happened even IF they were getting it on.



I was looking for an article about this sort of thing.. just not being able to stay, be satisfied with 1 woman... 

Can a Man***** Ever Really Settle Down, Even If He Wants To? 

On another site.. just a question... As a male, have you ever wondered why one girl/wife is not enough and why? 

I liked this guys answer... 



> In my experience, more than one woman is less satisfying and rewarding than focusing on a single woman.
> It is better to use that time and effort and emotional bonding and physical bonding and care and concern that is being directed towards the other woman and focus it on the one woman, it is far more satisfying and rewarding for both people.
> 
> That relationship and the love, sex, bonding, trust and every other good thing about love, will become stronger and more intense, which will make all the things I mention even better, which will continue to intensify and it continues that cycle.
> ...


Would be nice if it always worked THIS WAY.. 

Going by the 1st article, however, it just seems to come more natural if the man hasn't sleep with countless women ...that thrill for the new chase is not built into their psyche, easier for them to focus on ONE special woman.. One of the fall outs of promiscuity.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ey?

She hasn't captured my heart - yet, it's only been a month, it takes a long time for me, and it's mostly due to trust issues. Even if I can get infactuated, falling in love is a whole different ballpark for me, and I control my feelings like a dam.

Before:










After:










I hold back, until trust is established, then I allow myself to let go. Sure I can let out a few controlled flows, but I don't let the disaster happen until later.

IF, she didn't check my boxes, the dam is reinforced instead. To the point even if I wanted to, I simply can't fall for someone - like what happened with ex-GF last year.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Questioning reaching out to this other woman is 1 red flag. Then trying to make it better by saying she can end up being a friend, wrong and the second red flag. 

I would let woman 1 go. You aren't being fair to her, you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship without being in control of dismissing temptation. 

There's nothing wrong with being single and exploring options. It is wrong to try holding onto woman 1 and seeing what a new woman is about. That's shady and selfish, if she pulled the same stunt I'm sure all those check marks she made would fall short.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ARGH >.<

So many mixed opinions


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

New_Beginnings said:


> Questioning reaching out to this other woman is 1 red flag. Then trying to make it better by saying she can end up being a friend, wrong and the second red flag.
> 
> I would let woman 1 go. You aren't being fair to her, you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship without being in control of dismissing temptation.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with being single and exploring options. It is wrong to try holding onto woman 1 and seeing what a new woman is about. That's shady and selfish, if she pulled the same stunt I'm sure all those check marks she made would fall short.


This.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

If I was exclusive with someone, I would be under the impression we are working towards building something. 

If he pulled our status from exclusive, I would see that as a red flag and willing to bet he's looking elsewhere. He would make some spill of that's not true (which would be a lie). I would then make a decision on he's not the right person for me, begin the dating cycle for myself.

Life's about choices. Let her have same options as you are trying to have for yourself. Let her "make friends".


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dug myself into a hole by deciding to be exclusive too early and without sex only to meet a stunning new lady right around the corner... all of this at one of the busiest times at work.

BAH! :banghead:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You're not married to her. lol It's not that hard to tell someone that you don't wish to be exclusive. You're making this more complex than it needs to be.  It's simply not right to lead someone to thinking they're in a relationship, but when they're not around, you're looking to see 'what else might be out there.' Treat others as you'd like to be treated, and doubtful you'd appreciate being treated like that.

And in the future, don't be exclusive with someone in hopes of getting sex. That's what it sounds like to me, because if you were really 100% all in with her without the sex, you wouldn't be looking at others as potential possibilities. Just being real.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Fine, I'll stick to my current GF


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

It's not about being sexless, as you've been without for a year. If she was hands down right for you the temptation might be there but ultimately you wouldn't reach out to this other woman. You wouldn't wish to know her or see if she's willing to give you some. You'd be satisfied by how this girl makes every check on your list and the sex would be worth waiting for. I could be wrong but I'd like to think some actually feel that way lol.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I think you're missing the point. You were very close to looking for mystery woman and to me that's a sign this girfriend isn't "the one". You aren't married, you should give yourself time and be fully committed to being all exclusive when ready. Dont be scared of what you may or may not find. It's not fair to this woman that you're questioning the "what ifs" with people you don't know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So dump current GF because my eyes have wandered temporarily?

Going back on the exclusivity will only give one VERY CLEAR message and it's as good as sabotaging any future we have together.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> I think you're missing the point. You were very close to looking for mystery woman and to me that's a sign this girfriend isn't "the one". You aren't married, you should give yourself time and be fully committed to being all exclusive when ready. Dont be scared of what you may or may not find. It's not fair to this woman that you're questioning the "what ifs" with people you don't know.


I think is is right. When I was married I never looked at or contemplated a life with another woman or wondered if I made a mistake with whom I married. I love women and the female form and yes I do check out other women but never thought about leaving or regretted my life with my X. Honestly OP I just don't think you are ready for any monogamous relationship right now, and that's ok. You. May get there one day or you may not but seems clear that you aren't ready for the one your in.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

No dump the current gf because you were making possible ideas of how to reach out to second woman. 1. Not hard, with the network of people you both know. 2. Excusing your curiosity by lack of sex (while being sexless long before exclusive). 3. Already trying to make it sound like second woman could ultimately just be a Friend (if she wasn't what you're envisioning she might be). This from one encounter.

Wandering eye is normal. To question, ask opinions from outsiders and to say "fine, I'll just stay with my gf". That's more than a wandering eye. That's second guessing your decision and contemplating your decision making. If you're questioning it, it's too soon to give her the best of you. You jumped in too quick, she may be a good woman but clearly your signs of readiness aren't there.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

Interesting about wondering eyes. My wife says I can look, just don't touch.

Funny thing about my wife, SHE likes to look at other women too. She is not bi or at least never acted on it, but she enjoys looking at really
good looking women. I don't think she checks out men that much. But she is the one that sometimes even makes comments about how
good looking some woman is, her nice clothes, nice legs or nice breasts etc.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> So dump current GF because my eyes have wandered temporarily?
> 
> Going back on the exclusivity will only give one VERY CLEAR message and it's as good as sabotaging any future we have together.


I guess maybe what I don't understand, you have been with your GF for only a month, is that correct? If so, the issue is at this point you guys have not had sex which has you questioning the relationship / considering other options. 

For me (this is just purely my POV), I would have no issues going over a month in a new relationship without sex (IDK, might be a bit of a turn off to me if someone was willing to just hand over the goods to me right off the bat, but that probably more falls in line with my personal values). That being said, it would have to be with someone who was ticking off my boxes and I felt there was potential for a relationship there.

In your case, your GF ticks off all your boxes except sex. It sounds to me that sex is the huge issue for you right now, so I think you need to decide exactly how important. Is sex early on so important to you that it is worth throwing away this relationship? Honestly, no one knows the answer to this but yourself. I would imagine that if after only a month you are already frustrated and looking at other options, going exclusive (at least with your current GF) is probably not the best option for you (and there is nothing wrong with that). The worst thing you can do is to try and force your current relationship to work, or try to convince yourself that sex is not an issue when it clearly is.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The "Fine" sounds laced with a little resentment that you're in this predicament to begin with....If you can't rid yourself of "what could I be missing?"... it's just not going to play out well...
> 
> Maybe you so wanted to believe this new girl was Special.. but not as "Captivating special" as you had hoped.. I don't know..


She is special, yet my eyes wandered. I've been caught off guard, there's nothing wrong with my current GF and if anything she's the best thing that has happened to me for a long time even though we've only known each other a month.



New_Beginnings said:


> If you're questioning it, it's too soon to give her the best of you. You jumped in too quick, she may be a good woman but clearly your signs of readiness aren't there.


I gave her exclusivity quite simply because I did not expect to be enraptured by this new woman around the darn corner.



EllisRedding said:


> It sounds to me that sex is the huge issue for you right now


I was actually willing to wait until I met this new girl. I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to go, I surely didn't expect to be impressed by someone else. Even current GF didn't make such an impression, she had to prove herself. This new girl, I don't know... like a lightning strike.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Ask yourself? Would you be proud, if she had multiple scenarios of how to reach out to another man that she met one time. Then after all the thoughts decided you were the safest choice? 

How would you feel, if she verbalized to others she has the connections to reach out to a new guy that sparked her curiousity? How would you feel, if she excused her actions by something she has yet to see from you, (in your twos short amount of time) which has carried her mind to wander of possibilities with another man? How would you feel if she figured, this random guy who she doesn't know could Ultimately be in her new found friend zone if he didn't possess better qualities than you? 
Then she finally decides, you know what I won't.. I'll just stick to Randomdude. 

Would you be relieved? Would you think yes! She choose me! Or would you think, wow you've known me and said you wanted to be exclusive but ready to jump into seeing what another man is about. I'm willing to bet, unless you are drawn to unhealthy relationships that wouldn't sit well with you. Would you be thankful she was tested but still chose you? Is that your idea of a wandering eye?

To each their own, a wandering eye in my perspective is an appreciation of a beautiful person (whether mind, or body). Not wondering after small talk or seeing them if I jumped into being exclusive with my partner too soon. Temptation on how to act and how to make the person somehow into my inner personal circle is more than a wandering eye.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

>.<

Reminds me why I became celibate


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> I was actually willing to wait until I met this new girl. I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to go, I surely didn't expect to be impressed by someone else. Even current GF didn't make such an impression, she had to prove herself. This new girl, I don't know... like a lightning strike.


So it sounds like either your GF doesn't quite tick as many boxes as you have yourself believing, or you are just not ready for an exclusive relationship. If you had sex already with your GF, do you believe that would have changed your feeling about this new girl?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I have been celibate for a year, probably why she reckons I can hold out. I'm also tired of my FWB lifestyle.
> 
> Anyway I haven't been holding out that long, only over a month.
> 
> ...


My opinion - if your in love with the current girl, no way you could betray her - especially this early on. Those "new love chemicals" are like a drug and should keep you on track with her. So if not in love yet - and you really have a thing for the new girl - go for it. Just investigate further to see if there really is a two way connection. Sure would be bad if things did not work out with the current girl and you had passed up on this new one and it's too late.

I was away from my wife (when we were engaged - she was still in college and me working) for a year and a half and had many opportunities to get with someone else. I lived with two guys who were single and free and one of them could have been one of the Abercrombie & Firch models and and we had all kinds of beautiful women at our place almost every day (very much like that TV series friends.) I did go out with some of these women as friends - but - some of them were absolutely trying to get with me - I just could not do it because I loved my wife to be - those love chemicals were just too powerful. I was in my mid 20's and one was lonely dude so that says something about the power of true love.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

If you feel as though lightening struck with this new woman, then let woman 1 go. I would personally reach out to the one I'm drawn to. You're not that far deep in this new relationship. That feeling is either a great test on showing you what the feels of temptation can be or a sign that you can find another you're more compatible with. I wouldn't settle and go off of a check list, especially with such a time short span.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

After only one month, that's too soon to be exclusive. Just think you both rushed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> So it sounds like either your GF doesn't quite tick as many boxes as you have yourself believing, or you are just not ready for an exclusive relationship. If you had sex already with your GF, do you believe that would have changed your feeling about this new girl?


Yes, my obligations to her would be more solid and I would have nothing left to complain about - which is a dangerous situation to be in as that's the prelude to me falling in love - when I have no conscious reason to stop myself.

I don't know what to do, at least not now, regardless it's well past my bedtime and I have to pick up little cuteness (my daughter) in the morning.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'll be honest. If I'm dating someone, and my eyes start to wander that much, I call it off.

Because when I'm in that infatuation stage, other women vanish. If they haven't vanished, I'm not that into her to begin with.

This is quite different than when you're in an LTR. But I don't know how you can have a good LTR if you're not head over heels with her to begin with. Again, it's very different if you notice hot women vs sit there thinking and fantasizing about them.

But I'm not a slow burn guy. I'm a head over heels guy.

My advice is to call it off with your GF.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dumping gf is not an option
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

By the way, I think it's appropriate to say thanks to you for being honest with your original post, as well as the way you have shared after people have reacted. It's easy to feel attacked here. Truth is, it's rare for someone to actually put themselves in your shoes, so it's even easier to criticize. I have been married for 23 years, so I can not even fathom what it is like to be in your situation except for what I know from talking with divorced friends.

Best wishes. May everything turn out well for you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> It's been years since I found a good thing so I'm a tad annoyed that only now are the ladies are coming out of the closet - when I'm "taken"! Bah!


That is a well-known effect called "pre-selection".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I am being kept from my sleep, shocked at how easily my feelings can change for someone, if not temporary. Last night I met an astonishing woman, a woman that captured me and with those eyes managed to make me forget that I'm exclusively dating someone.
> 
> However, I had to disappoint her. Still, I felt regret over missing such an opportunity, despite doing what can be considered, the "right" thing to do.
> 
> ...



My my my, you are a visual guy! How old are you? Remember the eyes don't always have it, she may have a **** personality and be a raving lunatic! :grin2: Don't be misled by your little head, you have been there before :grin2::grin2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Dumping gf is not an option
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is it not an option? 

Isn't this a universal problem for many males?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Current date hasn't given me a reason to let her go, well, either than no sex at the moment (she's conservative)


What's wrong with you? Don't you know that you're supposed to wait until you get married not to have sex? :surprise:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There are different levels and reasons behind one's conservativeness. Current gf did not wait until marriage to have sex with her previous bfs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anyway ive come to a decision, its too early to dump current date, and I cant afford to be distracted.

ive forgotten about the new girl n have no longer any interest in pursuing it. The fog is over.

I see clearly now, thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Anyway ive come to a decision, its too early to dump current date, and I cant afford to be distracted.
> 
> ive forgotten about the new girl n have no longer any interest in pursuing it. The fog is over.
> 
> ...


Good luck RD, glad you are willing to give things a chance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As both a married and a single guy within the parameters of a long lifetime, my eyes have definitely wandered!

An attractive and confident woman is a sheer thing of beauty! To the point that her beauty, the essence of her femininity, or her vivaciousness is going to make me "look!"

Looking is one thing, but acting upon her stimuli is purely another! In my case, I choose not "to act" because to do so would bring dishonor and shame upon me as either a married or a committed man! And the nadir of that hurt and shame would have a definite carryover effect to not only my SO, but to my family members and my very close friends and associates!

To paraphrase President Jimmy Carter, "in looking at another woman, I may lust in my heart, but I have the good sense, because of my ardent faith and in what God has already given to me, to take it no further!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

aine said:


> Why is it not an option?
> 
> Isn't this a universal problem for many males?


No. While this is a problem for most females, it is a problem for a small minority (20% at *most*) of males.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> There are different levels and reasons behind one's conservativeness. *Current gf did not wait until marriage to have sex with her previous bfs*


That is a tremendous red flag that she is just not that into you. If you marry her, in relatively short order you will be posting here about how she doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Then why is she showing so much affection without sex? Making out, teasing, etc? I never sensed a vibe that she's not being genuine.

Her previous partners were all LTRs, and apparently they had to wait too.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

IDK - it sounds like you're protecting yourself more than anything.

You've said you create a dam - but if you are unwilling to let go a little, you won't get a chance to really get into your GF who ticks all your boxes.

Sounds to me like you're sabotaging yourself.

I love those a55es at the gym - those yoga pants running on the treadmill while I try desperately NOT to think of the weight I'm lifting. The female body is an amazing thing - mesmerizing.

But I've never - well almost never - actually visualized any scenario with anyone but my W. I realize those fine a55es are attached to women who have personalities, likes, dislikes, annoyances, happiness, troubles... everything everyone else has. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else. I just love to look at beautiful and sexy women.

So use your brain too - not just your eyes. One month isn't that long in many cases - we don't know how often you talk or text or see each other. She's setting up a waiting period to let the "unworthy" guys (in her checklist) drop off due to no sex.

If I were you, I'd tell her how you feel. She seems to be everything you're looking for but its early and you two need to get to know each other better. Tell her you respect her sexual preferences but it's really hard too because you're so attracted to her. Ask her what she thinks of that and if she has any thoughts. She might surprise you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'll let go after sex, but before then, might as well focus on covering all the angles, as there could still be boxes left unticked or even dealbreakers not yet found that I am not consciously aware of. Subconsciously through intuition I still pick up an anomaly despite everything else which can be worrisome but that could also be part of my defense mechanism making my "feelings" potentially confusing hence I can't act on my instincts alone.

So far though, I see no confirmed red flags with current GF, hence I dropped new girl, despite the lightning strike which I have already recovered from.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tech-novelist said:


> No. While this is a problem for most females, it is a problem for a small minority (20% at *most*) of males.


TN, I meant the struggle with visual /sexual stimuli when they are in committed relationships


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The lightning strike from the new girl wasn't merely visual / sexual stimuli, easily dismissed within seconds, it was emotional; the spark of chemistry, hence the short-lived infactuation (in other words, yes, she did open her mouth and did not disappoint)

I debated whether or not the chemistry for another woman was a result of my dis-satisfaction over having no sex with my current date, however I concluded that it is not. In the end, it's just one of those things, the passing fog / storm / strike. Still I have identified that the sexlessness has held me back from committing more fully at least emotionally, and hence made me vulnerable to these temptations which I suspected from the start.

However, as for reasons already mentioned, I decided to stick with current GF and see it till the end whatever it may be.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Her reasons for being conservative are not related to religion, it's due to her simply wanting to wait until the time is right. She doesn't like to sleep around and has her own standards for herself. I hold no such standards or judgements, for me a woman who has slept with 100+ men is judged no differently from a woman who has slept with 1 or 2. However I can accommodate and understand as well as respect her reasons.
> 
> We have been dating exclusively since we started, but only officially exclusive recently, only a little over a month. She's a 10/10 as so far I have not found a flaw with her. Sexual compatibility is important for me yes but it's something I can not judge as of yet.



I won't advise you on what to do because only you know what you're looking for and what you want. Having said that, there is obviously something about her that you find intriguing and worth pursuing. I think she is wise in her approach. Whether it be for religious reasons, moral reasons or otherwise, it is prudent to judge compatibility of a potential partner before things get too physical.

Let's be honest here, having sex early or too early in a relationship can cause false intimacy and impair your ability to be objective. I know in my own relationship with my wife that we had sex fairly early on in the relationship. She ticked all my boxes and I didn't discover some problem areas until way down the line. Now none of those were show stoppers or anything that we couldn't overcome as we've been married over 30 years, but it would have been nicer to go into the marriage with my eyes a little more open about some of those issues and dealt with them beforehand.

In your case, you can potentially discover any warts, if you will, before the lens of infatuation or passion prevents you from seeing any potential issues. Then you can decide if or how far to take the next steps in the relationship.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> The lightning strike from the new girl wasn't merely visual / sexual stimuli, easily dismissed within seconds, it was emotional; the spark of chemistry, hence the short-lived infactuation (in other words, yes, she did open her mouth and did not disappoint)
> 
> *I debated whether or not the chemistry for another woman was a result of my dis-satisfaction over having no sex with my current date, however I concluded that it is not. In the end, it's just one of those things, the passing fog / storm / strike.* Still I have identified that the sexlessness has held me back from committing more fully at least emotionally, and hence made me vulnerable to these temptations which I suspected from the start.
> 
> However, as for reasons already mentioned, I decided to stick with current GF and see it till the end whatever it may be.



What you described above is just life. I've had this happen a few times over the years where you just know that you'd hit it off with someone. The deal is that I was already married and not dissatisfied in my relationship. 

Chemical or physical attraction just happens from time to time. I suppose it's better to have that happen and have a momentary struggle than to never have it happen at all. It's at least some level of validation that women find you appealing. So there's that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Validation or perhaps a reminder that not all hope is lost if things go south with my current GF, which should be taken on a positive note. The positive note being that I may be "currently dating my future second ex wife but don't worry RD! There's still plenty of fish in the sea!"

Always reassuring...

Anyway, thanks guys, I'm good now. This thread is now to be filed under old news.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

It is interesting, this presumption that the "lightning strike" is always 2-way. IME, it is almost never that way. Just because my head is turned does not mean the other person has noticed me. 

And just because my head is turned doesn't mean there is anything more than the most fleeting of attractions.

Hollywood and romance stories all make a super big deal about the love at first sight lightning strike, but IMHO it's mostly a myth.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ey?

I wouldn't call it a presumption, as for me the lady in question has to respond favorably for me to feel the lightning strike. If it's one-sided and if she's not interested it's like striking an insulator... like: "ZIP ZIP... *fizzle fizzle*"

The real lightning strikes do this:


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow that's some font you TAM ladies are using!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Anyway ive come to a decision, its too early to dump current date, and I cant afford to be distracted.
> 
> ive forgotten about the new girl n have no longer any interest in pursuing it. The fog is over.
> 
> ...


I don't think so, man. 

What happens a decade or two down the road?

Dating happens for a reason. It's a test run before **** gets real. 

Anyway, I wish you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Woulda shouda coulda will be the death of all of us.


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