# I fell in love with the wrong man...again



## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I'm 36 years old. I'm divorced. Yeah, my marriage failed. My husband was having repeated multiple affairs. I was in love with him though. I was married to him for 14 years. I fought like hell for my marriage. It mattered to me. I wanted to have a family for my children. I wanted to have my life mate. I meant the vows I said. I was determined to make my marriage work, but it failed.

I filed for divorce and our marriage ended two years ago. Looking back and being able to reflect on things today I know he was the wrong one for me. Years of mental abuse have taken a hard toll on me. I still don't know if I'm good enough. I still don't know what worth I have, if I even have any. Today, I am no longer in love with my ex husband. I'm in love with someone else now.

And I know he's the wrong one for me.

I sit here and I shake my head at myself as to how I could be so stupid to fall in love again. WTH. Yet, I sit here with such a strong, strong desire for the man, I can't bring myself to just walk away although I know that is what I should do.

He has no respect for me. He has no concern for me. I'm not important to him at all. But I hold on for some reason.

Not sure why I hold on. I'm capable of living without him. I have a good job. I take care of my own. 

I seem to have this desperate desire to have a man love me. I'm not a promiscuous woman. I don't sleep around with men for that momentarily feeling of love. I was faithful to my husband for our 14 year marriage. I casually dated two men in the first year after our divorce. Now, I've been with this one for the past 7 months. 

I know I can't make any man love me. He's gotta do that on his own because he values me. I'm really quiet. I'm not the *****y naggy type. I'm quiet because I hate confrontation. Which also means I have a tendency to not tell him how I am feeling. I keep it all in.

I'm afraid to tell him I'm thinking of leaving him. I need to just do it though. I'm writing this post almost as a way of talking myself into it.

I don't know what to do.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I have a horrible fear that he's not out there though. I have a horrible fear of being alone.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

January said:


> I'm 36 years old. I'm divorced. Yeah, my marriage failed. My husband was having repeated multiple affairs. I was in love with him though. I was married to him for 14 years. I fought like hell for my marriage. It mattered to me. I wanted to have a family for my children. I wanted to have my life mate. I meant the vows I said. I was determined to make my marriage work, but it failed.
> 
> I filed for divorce and our marriage ended two years ago. Looking back and being able to reflect on things today I know he was the wrong one for me. Years of mental abuse have taken a hard toll on me. I still don't know if I'm good enough. I still don't know what worth I have, if I even have any. Today, I am no longer in love with my ex husband. I'm in love with someone else now.
> 
> ...


First off, the feelings you have been experiencing are normal. Feeling that loss of connection is very frightening for anyone -- but especially for a woman. You sound to me like a woman who really truly wants to please others -- even at the expense of your own self. I'm quite familiar with the scenario you described with your first husband because I was the oldest child with parents in that kind of relationship. My mother is the kindest, most accommodating woman. She also wanted so desperately to hold on to my dad and did almost anything to keep her marriage together -- including allowing him to play the field and have (on his side) an open marriage. He was the ultimate "cake eater" (faithful wife with kids at home, all the women he wanted on the side). My mom didn't like confrontation and tried to not rock the boat. She kept it all in and cried a lot when nobody was looking. The marriage eventually fell apart anyway.

You said:


> I seem to have this desperate desire to have a man love me. I'm not a promiscuous woman. I don't sleep around with men for that momentarily feeling of love. I was faithful to my husband for our 14 year marriage. I casually dated two men in the first year after our divorce. Now, I've been with this one for the past 7 months.


It is completely natural for you to desire someone to love you. Everyone does. 



> I know I can't make any man love me. He's gotta do that on his own because he values me. I'm really quiet. I'm not the *****y naggy type. I'm quiet because I hate confrontation. Which also means I have a tendency to not tell him how I am feeling. I keep it all in.


These are some of the reasons you are essentially falling victim to toxic relationships. You haven't learned how to stand up for yourself and make sure you are getting equality in your relationships. You allowed (even enabled) your first husband to walk all over you and you resented that. Now you are seeing the same pattern and you don't want to be trapped again in resentment and feeling that loss of connection and that helpless feeling again.

My advice: step away from this relationship and get some counseling. Reading the book "Boundaries" would be good for you, too -- because you haven't had healthy boundaries for a long time (if ever) in your relationships.

I wish the best for you, and I hope you learn that you can be a secure person with healthy boundaries. Men will respect you more if you do!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

eyuop said:


> First off, the feelings you have been experiencing are normal. Feeling that loss of connection is very frightening for anyone -- but especially for a woman. You sound to me like a woman who really truly wants to please others -- even at the expense of your own self. I'm quite familiar with the scenario you described with your first husband because I was the oldest child with parents in that kind of relationship. My mother is the kindest, most accommodating woman. She also wanted so desperately to hold on to my dad and did almost anything to keep her marriage together -- including allowing him to play the field and have (on his side) an open marriage. He was the ultimate "cake eater" (faithful wife with kids at home, all the women he wanted on the side). My mom didn't like confrontation and tried to not rock the boat. She kept it all in and cried a lot when nobody was looking. The marriage eventually fell apart anyway.
> 
> You said:
> 
> ...


Thanks for responding. Gee, I could have been your mother, lol. My husband the ultimate cake eater and I let him get away with it for 14 years before I finally had enough and filed for divorce.

I do need to set boundaries. I need to stop fearing what others will think and just do what's good for me.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Been there, still trying to get better... been divorced a year,35 yrs old, great job, everything else in my life togther, one child,14 yr together he had an affair tried to make it work, put up with a lot, i was always faithful...I dont love exh anymore... transferred that to a bf after divorce who told me all the right things then up and walked away when it was time to take a step further, 100] commitment phobe. I saw signs with both of my ex So but choose to ignore (though did much better on the bf than the exh). We pick these men because they are unavailable is some way. Are you in therapy? I recommend also Codependent No More and Hes Scared Shes Scared, these books have helped me understand my part in choosing my relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

January said:


> I'm 36 years old. I'm divorced. Yeah, my marriage failed. My husband was having repeated multiple affairs. I was in love with him though. I was married to him for 14 years. I fought like hell for my marriage. It mattered to me. I wanted to have a family for my children. I wanted to have my life mate. I meant the vows I said. I was determined to make my marriage work, but it failed.
> 
> I filed for divorce and our marriage ended two years ago. Looking back and being able to reflect on things today I know he was the wrong one for me. Years of mental abuse have taken a hard toll on me. I still don't know if I'm good enough. I still don't know what worth I have, if I even have any. Today, I am no longer in love with my ex husband. I'm in love with someone else now.
> 
> ...


You need to find a man who is like one of us. Someone whose been through what you have been through, one who has searched for a reasonable solution. One who wants to do right. He needs to know this before he gets with you.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

being afraid of being alone is not a reason to stay with a guy who is wrong for you. you've been there done that. don't do it again. get the strength to walk. it will make you a more confident person. demand more for yourself. stop settling. good luck to you. you found the strength to leave the first time and that must have been much harder. do yourself and your child a favor and don't get caught up with another guy who doesn't respect you. leave for your kid so that she doesn't grow up and think this is how you get treated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> My husband was having repeated multiple affairs. I was in love with him though.
> 
> I still don't know if I'm good enough. I still don't know what worth I have, if I even have any.


When we look to other people for our validation and sense of worth, this is usually what happens. I'm sure you thought you loved your ex and love the current man. 

Yes, you have feelings, but they are not based on a healthy sense of self-worth. You are trying to fix stuff from your past that you still carry around.



January said:


> I sit here and I shake my head at myself as to how I could be so stupid to fall in love again. WTH. Yet, I sit here with such a strong, strong desire for the man ...


What you have is desire, a need to fix the past, and probably a need to fix him. But this isn't love. Believe me.



January said:


> He has no respect for me. He has no concern for me. I'm not important to him at all. But I hold on for some reason.


I assume you have insurance through your job. Get into some serious counseling to find out why you hold on. In the meantime, loosen your hold. You owe yourself a decent life while you work through your issues.

It is far better to be alone than to be in this mess. My guess is you have abandonment issues. The thing is, people can leave us, they can come and go, but as adults nobody can actually abandon us.

You are capable of taking care of yourself. You can support yourself. Find out what is driving you to cling to losers.

You don't need to punish yourself any longer.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

January said:


> I'm afraid to tell him I'm thinking of leaving him. I need to just do it though. I'm writing this post almost as a way of talking myself into it.
> 
> I don't know what to do.


You _should_ feel horrible walking away. Anyone should who is ending a relationship. But that's a natural feeling and its just part of life. It hurts him, it hurts you but in the end it's best for both of you. It's like going to the dentist. Nobody wants to but once they have gone they feel better.

I mean this nicely- put your big girl panties on and set each other free.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> When we look to other people for our validation and sense of worth, this is usually what happens. I'm sure you thought you loved your ex and love the current man.
> 
> Yes, you have feelings, but they are not based on a healthy sense of self-worth. You are trying to fix stuff from your past that you still carry around.
> 
> ...


I am working on loosening my hold. I would usually call or text him throughout the day. I didn't today. He didn't try contacting me either.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

A friend I spoke with today suggested he may be going through a "stage" where he has so many things going on, he kinda goes into withdraw and distant mode.

Does that sound possible?


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He never came home last night. No call, no message. Nothing. I work only half days Saturday mornings so when I got home from work this morning, he was in bed sleeping. I crawled in bed with him and I asked him if we were okay. (meaning our relationship) he acted confused. As if he wouldn't know why things wouldn't be okay. I told him I hadn't seen him and had barely even spoke with him the past two weeks. He just said well, that's because he was busy. I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes.

So, we laid there a while. I then got him and make him some food. He ate his food and we sat on the couch just having regular conversation. He then had to leave to pick up his son for his weekend visitation. He told me he wouldn't be gone long. He's now been gone 5 hours at the time I wrote this. Again,no word. I just feel I can't believe anything he says anymore.

And I am feeling completely frustrated all over again.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

If your fear of being alone is the only reason you are trying to keep this relationship alive, then that is a wrong motive...destined to crash and burn. You are still young...and you have a bright future...so don't settle with something YOU KNOW inwardly is on the road to ruin. I am afraid of running into the same situation now that I am in the middle of a divorce...being conditioned to only be attracted to the wrong kind of people. The fact that you have grown attached to a man just like you ex shows you still need healing...and that you may not be ready for a relationship until you can be heathly, make healthy decisions for yourself, and attract healthy people. Fear makes us desperate, makes us SETTLE, and then we get exactly what we are trying to avoid. It's only when we can imagine ourselves healthy and imagine actually finding the best person for you...will you find a person that compliments you, not a person that is bad for you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

January said:


> *He never came home last night*. *No call, no message. Nothing*. I work only half days Saturday mornings so when I got home from work this morning, he was in bed sleeping. I crawled in bed with him and I asked him if we were okay. (meaning our relationship) he acted confused. As if he wouldn't know why things wouldn't be okay. *I told him I hadn't seen him and had barely even spoke with him the past two weeks. He just said well, that's because he was busy.* I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes.
> 
> So, we laid there a while. I then got him and make him some food. He ate his food and we sat on the couch just having regular conversation. He then had to leave to pick up his son for his weekend visitation. *He told me he wouldn't be gone long. He's now been gone 5 hours at the time I wrote this. Again,no word*. I just feel I can't believe anything he says anymore.
> 
> And I am feeling completely frustrated all over again.


Liars LIE.
Cheaters LIE.
Manipulators LIE.

Your new mantra SHOULD be: *WORDS are WORTHLESS, ACTIONS are EVERYTHING!*

He's telling you WITHOUT WORDS that you're UNIMPORTANT and worthless -- he doesn't come home, he doesn't see you, he doesn't have a good reason why not, he LIES to you blatantly.

Kick him OUT. Do not speak to him AGAIN. 
Read the books that were recommended (especially Codependent No More...write the answers to the questions at the end of EVERY chapter).

YOU deserve more; you deserve BETTER!
So do your kids.

You're modelling behavior for them on how relationships work; STOP DATING and fix your OWN problems so that your next relationship (in 6-8 months at least) will be a HEALTHY productive relationship!

Do it for YOURSELF and for your kids!

*hugs*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> He never came home last night. No call, no message. Nothing.
> 
> I crawled in bed with him and I asked him if we were okay. (meaning our relationship) he acted confused. As if he wouldn't know why things wouldn't be okay. I told him I hadn't seen him and had barely even spoke with him the past two weeks. He just said well, that's because he was busy. I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes.
> 
> And I am feeling completely frustrated all over again.


Guess who made you frustrated? YOU. This guy couldn't care less if you stay or you go. Although my guess is if you go, he may try to reel you back in just to see if he can.

Notice my signature line? You are an option for him. But you are still trying to make him a priority.

The guy is a player. And I don't understand why you are tolerating a man who consistently lies to you. 

Instead of asking him a bunch of questions which he will answer with lies, or whatever he feels like saying at the moment, why not start asking yourself questions about why you stay?

And I don't mean hashing it over in your head for five minutes. I mean getting serious about finding out why you are willing to beg for scraps this guy tosses your way.

Stop engaging him in the question-and-answer exercise. Go out with some gf's. Get involved in a hobby. Go out of town for the weekend.

Actually, I would have packed and left by now. For good. JMO.

P.S. - He never came home last night. Wonder what her name is ...


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He has disappeared once again tonight. He was going to take his son home, stop at a friends place and then come home to get me so we could have some time together. Well....that didn't happen. He's been gone 6 hours now. No call or message.

I can't say it's another woman because I don't see any of the obvious "other woman signs". But, I'm not saying it's not a OW either. 

Right now I am not sure if I should investigate and find out or if I should kick him out for all the lying and sneaking around he's been doing.

But, it's over. I am done.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

January said:


> He never came home last night. No call, no message. Nothing. I work only half days Saturday mornings so when I got home from work this morning, he was in bed sleeping. I crawled in bed with him and I asked him if we were okay. (meaning our relationship) he acted confused. As if he wouldn't know why things wouldn't be okay. I told him I hadn't seen him and had barely even spoke with him the past two weeks. He just said well, that's because he was busy. I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes.
> 
> So, we laid there a while. I then got him and make him some food. He ate his food and we sat on the couch just having regular conversation. He then had to leave to pick up his son for his weekend visitation. He told me he wouldn't be gone long. He's now been gone 5 hours at the time I wrote this. Again,no word. I just feel I can't believe anything he says anymore.
> 
> And I am feeling completely frustrated all over again.


WHY are you asking him these questions? All you are doing is making yourself look weak and needy. I hate to say it, but you really need to get into therapy for yourself, you need to find out why you are so scared to be alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who does not value you and treats you like crap...you are alone in this relationship anyway. Being independent is empowering. 

I hate to say it, but it looks like he is cheating on you. I got the feeling in reading your posts that he is living in YOUR house, am I right? If so, pack his bags and make sure the door hits his ass on his way out.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> WHY are you asking him these questions? All you are doing is making yourself look weak and needy. I hate to say it, but you really need to get into therapy for yourself, you need to find out why you are so scared to be alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who does not value you and treats you like crap...you are alone in this relationship anyway. Being independent is empowering.
> 
> I hate to say it, but it looks like he is cheating on you. I got the feeling in reading your posts that he is living in YOUR house, am I right? If so, pack his bags and make sure the door hits his ass on his way out.


Yes, we live together and have been for 7 months. And, after doing some online digging, I discovered 2 active dating profiles 

I didn't want to believe it.....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

January said:


> Yes, we live together and have been for 7 months. And, after doing some online digging, I discovered 2 active dating profiles
> 
> I didn't want to believe it.....


Sorry I was right. Dont even give him a chance to argue and plead, pack his sh!t.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

January said:


> I'm 36 years old. I'm divorced. Yeah, my marriage failed. My husband was having repeated multiple affairs. I was in love with him though. I was married to him for 14 years. I fought like hell for my marriage. It mattered to me. I wanted to have a family for my children. I wanted to have my life mate. I meant the vows I said. I was determined to make my marriage work, but it failed.
> 
> I filed for divorce and our marriage ended two years ago. Looking back and being able to reflect on things today I know he was the wrong one for me. Years of mental abuse have taken a hard toll on me. I still don't know if I'm good enough. I still don't know what worth I have, if I even have any. Today, I am no longer in love with my ex husband. I'm in love with someone else now.
> 
> ...


Hi, you are a standard case I believe. You should read about dependence. It may sound a little harsh, but the solution is actually easy.

>>In our society, the strategy of giving up one's personhood to achieve love and security is associated with stereotypically feminine gender roles. Women have historically been given responsibility for the nurturance and caretaking of men and children. Miller (1976) noted that women believe that their lives should be synchronized with the needs and wants of others. Lerner (1985) described how difficult it is for women to assert their own emotional needs in our male-oriented society. Many women who come into counseling continue the pattern by assuming a passive role and, through compliance, meet the needs of their counselor (Kaplan, 1979). In the process of expressing the affective needs of the human experience, which Gilligan (1982) called "the voice of relatedness," many women were unable to develop autonomous ego boundaries. Thus, codependence is deeply rooted in the undervaluation and powerlessness of women in a patriarchal social structure (Wilson-Schaef, 1987). 

<<

codependence, contradependence, and interpersonal dependence........ - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums - Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help/Support
 
If you actually are now where you subconsciously want to be, changing will be hard, because you subconciously will self sabotage any attempt to change....

You need to break out of the pattern. You know that, but you don't concentrate on the How for some reason. 

So concentrate now on the Why first.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Pack his stuff and tell him to leave.....NOW...TODAY...he can move in with whomever's bed he's been sharing (all YOU'RE doing is paying bills and washing his clothes.)

2.) Block his number from all phones, have email sent straight to "junk", unfriend on social media.

3.) Get tested THIS WEEK for STDs. Don't be naive and think it CAN'T happen to you....it CAN, and it can be devastating if untreated. Get the peace of mind of knowing that you are WELL, or the peace of mind of treating anything you have.

4.) Start doing the reading THIS WEEK; check your library or download an e-copy of the books.

Don't expect to get better without HARD WORK. But, DO expect to get better! You CAN do it. A year from now, you could be in a totally different place in your head, your heart, your life. But DON'T RUSH IT....DO the required work!

TAM is here to support and encourage you as you build a new life!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I do understand it - constantly looking for assurance over a relationship you know you should get out of. It's just fear. And once you overcome it you'll realise it's the right thing to do. 

So you're alone for a while - well you're alone now aren't you?

Give it some time before you go near anyone again - that's what I've done, then you can be sure that a new relationship happens on your terms and with someone who has some respect for you, who can't be without you. You're lucky that you can support yourself, get to know and love yourself for a while


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello January,



January said:


> Yes, we live together and have been for 7 months. And, after doing some online digging, I discovered 2 active dating profiles
> 
> I didn't want to believe it.....


*1) Your Partner: 
*You've been together for just 7 months and already he _*MIGHT*_ be cheating? You say active dating accounts, can you confirm he has actually been on dates within the last 7 months or are these active accounts that he used when he was single and just forgot about them before he met you?

If you have access to them gather as much information about them, for example match up when he was last away from you, to the dates on the profiles. If the two match up, then you have your answer don’t you?

*2) You: 
*Your problem is internal, but instead of mending YOU first, you’re looking for love from your partner to mend you internally. Happiness comes from within; any external happiness is an added bonus. Learn to love yourself first, before looking for someone to love you. If you don’t, you will be empty inside every time your partner leaves you even for a few hours to days or weeks. You will enter you own continuous loop of looking for love from your partner when the person looking back at you in the mirror is the only REAL person that can solve your unhappiness. YOU!

So, 7 months ago it was January and it's now its June, next month is July. Is July is going to a repeat of the last 7 months or is July going to be *"The End of a New Beginning"?*


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you're putting out a desperate vibe, you're going to attract people that want to exploit you. I suggest going to counseling to work on your confidence. And, please let go of the unhappy relationship before you become so attached that you end up in a second unhappy marriage. You don't deserve disrespect and disregard. You deserve better.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello January,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know he has been active on one for sure. It showed his last log in as being 5 days ago. Also, I got him a specially made shirt with his business on it for Christmas. He has a picture of the shirt on the site.

I don't get why they have to look on the side. There wasn't any thing bad happening at home....


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

And now something happened last night. I don't want to get into much detail as it is of the sensitive nature but now I feel like he's going to need me. Something bad happened last night and it will have long term effect on his life.

This just makes things so much more complicated for me. Yeah, I'm already having a very hard time with everything else but if I'm not there for him, then who will be?

How could I make things worse for him by leaving him now? That would make me out to be the beetch.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello January,



January said:


> I know he has been active on one for sure. *It showed his last log in as being 5 days ago*. Also, I got him a specially made shirt with his business on it for Christmas. *He has a picture of the shirt on the site.*
> 
> *(FTP: I'm sorry, you had a gut feeling, now you need to act on it!)*
> 
> ...


Look in the mirror and read the following words aloud.....

So, 7 months ago it was January and it's now its June, next month is July. Is July is going to a repeat of the last 7 months or is July going to be *"The End of a New Beginning"? *

*Fight or Take Flight? *

After only 7 months, I would Take Flight with the kids and start again.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January,



January said:


> And now something happened last night. I don't want to get into much detail as it is of the sensitive nature but now I feel like he's going to need me. Something bad happened last night and it will have long term effect on his life.
> 
> This just makes things so much more complicated for me. Yeah, I'm already having a very hard time with everything else but if I'm not there for him, then who will be?
> 
> How could I make things worse for him by leaving him now? That would make me out to be the beetch.


*OH NO YOU DON'T!* You don't get to write a post like this without giving more details. Why spend so time and energy writing this post and string us long.

Your words: _"That would make me out to be the beetch."_ A Woman with her kids, that's FREE of a cheating partner.

We're here for YOU! NOT HIM! and STOP feeling sorry for yourself.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Its only been 7 months and hes obviously not commited to you... He will drag you down. You need to take.care of you and the kids first...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

And i total agree with Phoenix....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

January said:


> I have a horrible fear that he's not out there though. I have a horrible fear of being alone.


Ah, that's your devil speaking to you. it took me years to find mine, and I did. But I was past 50 when we got together. 

Key is not to spend 20 years with a frog, hoping like hell he'll turn into a prince if you just give up enough of yourself. 

There's more than ONE out there for you. There's a whole bunch of them. Finding the best one is the trick. Keep your confidence on and your filters clean.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

January said:


> A friend I spoke with today suggested he may be going through a "stage" where he has so many things going on, he kinda goes into withdraw and distant mode.
> 
> Does that sound possible?


Honey, anything's possible. However, that doesn't mean YOU have to own it.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> January,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, he's a very arrogant man and that arrogance got the best of him last night. He got into a fight and was arrested. He's now facing misdemeanor charges. I don't know much of the exact details right now. He was gone once again last night and came in the door at 6:30 A.M.

I leave for work at that time. So, I left for work and later got a call from him that he had been told to come down to the station as the person was pressing charges against him. He had to turn himself in. I haven't seen or heard anything more as of yet. I don't know if he will be released or made to stay.

No, he's never been arrested before this.

Okay, go ahead and tell me to run!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

This man is an adult.

He has to live with the consequences of his actions.

And here you are saying you just have to stay to save him now.

Do you even realize how desperately codependent you really are?

This guy is probably screwing around on you. He certainly doesn't give a rat's a$$ how long you sit around waiting for him to come home from his dates. And, yes, all signs point to him hooking up with other women already.

Yet you are gonna stand by your man.

Lady, you are in such desperate need of professional help it is tragic. However, it is your life. If you want to schlep along after this bum and give your all for your man, by all means do so.

Your life. Your choices.

And what a waste of a life it will be if you remain with this loser.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> This man is an adult.
> 
> He has to live with the consequences of his actions.
> 
> ...


I have been told by others, including very close personal friends, that my dependency level is pathetic. I wish sometimes I could see myself through another's eyes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> He was gone once again last night and came in the door at 6:30 A.M.


My initial gut reaction? The woman's husband or bf found his woman in bed with your man and a fight ensued.



January said:


> He had to turn himself in. I haven't seen or heard anything more as of yet. I don't know if he will be released or made to stay.


My next reaction? He will tell you that you are his best friend, one true love, and he may even ask you to post bail. Regardless, if he needs to use you, he will reel you in.



January said:


> Okay, go ahead and tell me to run!


Nope. Telling you to run will do no good. You are going to do exactly what you choose to do. If you even had the tiniest bit of doubt as to whether you should walk and go no-contact, you wouldn't be here.

I don't understand why you would want your friends to think you are pathetic. Heck, they are your FRIENDS. 

Well, remain a victim. It is your right. Unfortunately, I don't think you'll get much more in the way of responses here. If your own friends can't reach you, and now you're out in cyberspace looking to a bunch of strangers for validation, approval, or permission to leave this goof, then I don't see what else there really is to say.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> My initial gut reaction? The woman's husband or bf found his woman in bed with your man and a fight ensued.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't want to remain a victim but taking that first step has me just about paralyzed with fear. I don't know if there's anyone on here who also has codependency issues but found themselves? 

I don't know why being alone upsets me so much. I don't know what the deep down root of my problem is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> I don't want to remain a victim but taking that first step has me just about paralyzed with fear. I don't know if there's anyone on here who also has codependency issues but found themselves?
> 
> I don't know why being alone upsets me so much. I don't know what the deep down root of my problem is.


I am the poster child for codependency. I have spent years in counseling, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), and Al-Anon.

My previous husband was a narcissistic alcoholic who beat me. And blamed me for all his problems. Heck, he didn't have any problems. He was GOD! Meantime, I was making his car payment, buying his booze ... and lots of other stuff that makes me sick to remember.

Current husband? Very well-educated. Nice guy. But a raging alcoholic who can turn ugly when least expected. Like the ex husband, current husband is never there for me when the chips are down.

But, boy, don't they just love you and need you when they step in a big fat pile of sh!t.

So, I'll give you a bit of the story on me. I walked out on my current husband almost four years ago. I had no job. I had cancer. But I was determined I wasn't going to die in a house with a crazy alcoholic who drank himself out of a successful career.

I'm alive. I'm feeling great. And I am thankful everyday to have a sense of peace in my life. No drama. No angst. 

You cannot figure out what compels you to hang onto garbage rather than be alone. That is what counselors are for.

You will not get validation from your current bf. However, I know men and women who will remain in these awful situations out of fear.

Fear of WHAT-IF. What if I never meet anyone else? What if I never get married? What if I sit home alone during the holidays?

WHAT IF IS MAGICAL THINKING. LOOK AT WHAT IS.

What is:

You live with a man who vanishes for hours on end.
You live with a man who is out on dating sites.
You live with a man who doesn't love you.
You are afraid of being alone.
You don't know why you have abandonment/loneliness issues.
You hang onto a bum, allow yourself to be treated as little more than a pet; heck, I treat my pets better than he treats you!

WHAT IS: YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF. YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF SELF-VALIDATION OR SELF-VALUE.

Get help. Now. Screw being afraid to leave. Afraid of what? What if ....???? 

The other choice is to be a victim. It's your life. If I had allowed fear to chain me to a crappy marriage, I'd probably be dead by now.

Life is for living. What you've got with this creep is NOT living.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I am the poster child for codependency. I have spent years in counseling, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), and Al-Anon.
> 
> My previous husband was a narcissistic alcoholic who beat me. And blamed me for all his problems. Heck, he didn't have any problems. He was GOD! Meantime, I was making his car payment, buying his booze ... and lots of other stuff that makes me sick to remember.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Prodigal. I was previously married to a very narcissistic man. He was not an alcoholic and he never physically hit me but words were his weapon. He would tell me I was stupid and worthless. He would tell me I was no good. I would never be good enough for anyone. For 14 years I lived like that. Then I left and I divorced him.

Now two years post divorce I seem to find myself with the same issue all over again. I was desperate for my husband to love me and he never did. Now, I feel that same desperation for being loved all over again.

Thank you for writing the "What Is" column. That was very helpful to me. I have printed that response out to read over and over and over again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

In order to have room in your life for a good man who is right for you, you have to say No to the wrong men. The longer you spend with your bf, the longer it will take for you to address your issues, heal from them, and meet someone who is easy to love and easy to be with.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> Well, he's a very arrogant man and that arrogance got the best of him last night. He got into a fight and was arrested. He's now facing misdemeanor charges. I don't know much of the exact details right now. He was gone once again last night and came in the door at 6:30 A.M.
> 
> I leave for work at that time. So, I left for work and later got a call from him that he had been told to come down to the station as the person was pressing charges against him. He had to turn himself in. I haven't seen or heard anything more as of yet. I don't know if he will be released or made to stay.
> 
> ...


I would NEVER tell you to RUN AWAY from this MAN!.
I was going to suggest you call a taxi/cab and drive away, but if you want to run away I'm sure the kids could use a good long run.
_(Did I mention I have sense of humour, no, sorry about that!)_



January said:


> I have been told by others, including very close personal friends, that my dependency level is pathetic. I wish sometimes I could see myself through another's eyes.


Yes you can see point (2) below.



January said:


> I don't want to remain a victim but taking that first step has me just about paralyzed with fear. I don't know if there's anyone on here who also has codependency issues but found themselves?
> 
> I don't know why being alone upsets me so much. I don't know what the deep down root of my problem is.


For 14 years you've always had someone in your life and never imagined starting again. That there is a powerful reason to stay in your current situation, but you know it's not the best or healthiest relationship you’re in now, and remember your kids are part of this now.



January said:


> Thank you, Prodigal. I was previously married to a very narcissistic man. He was not an alcoholic and he never physically hit me but words were his weapon. He would tell me I was stupid and worthless. He would tell me I was no good. I would never be good enough for anyone. For 14 years I lived like that. Then I left and I divorced him.
> 
> * (1) Now two years post divorce I seem to find myself with the same issue all over again. I was desperate for my husband to love me and he never did. Now, I feel that same desperation for being loved all over again.*
> 
> Thank you for writing the "What Is" column. That was very helpful to me. I have printed that response out to read over and over and over again.


January, *(1)* Did you EVER have an emotional connection with your husband over those 14 years? I don't mean just words but facial expressions like winking, smiling, looking at each other and know what the other person is thinking without the spoken word. That kind of emotional connection. 

Prodigal! I wish my mother had someone with your insight when my dad beat my mother when I was a child. That was a VERY long time ago for me, but I still have the pictures in my head of him beating her to this day and yes good old alcohol played it's part in the beatings.

January, this from my previous post to you.


> 2) You:
> Your problem is internal, but instead of mending YOU first, you’re looking for love from your partner to mend you internally. Happiness comes from within; any external happiness is an added bonus. Learn to love yourself first, before looking for someone to love you. If you don’t, you will be empty inside every time your partner leaves you even for a few hours to days or weeks. You will enter you own continuous loop of looking for love from your partner when the person looking back at you in the mirror is the only REAL person that can solve your unhappiness. YOU!


So, 7 months ago it was January and it's now its June, next month is July. Is July is going to a repeat of the last 7 months or is July going to be *"The End of a New Beginning"?* 

*Fight or Take Flight?* 

After only 7 months, I would Take Flight with the kids and start again.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me end by saying this: Life is short. REAL short. Even if you live to be 90, you will look back and wonder where the time went.

Right now you are wasting valuable time. 

I imagine I'll lie on my deathbed with a fair share of regrets. But I won't regret standing up for myself and walking away. Heck, I'd be okay living under a shade tree in the park, if that's what it comes to.

But I'm not trying to act out my issues any longer. Nor am I looking for a man to validate me.

It's very freeing. And I understand the fear that keeps us stuck. 

I was stuck for years. Being unstuck now allows me to enjoy the journey ... even when the road is bumpy.

I wish you the very best, and hope you will find the courage to discover your path to freedom!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

January:

EVERYONE is afraid of something. It is the nature of being human and living with the uncertainty that is life.

I left my STBXH a little over a year ago. I work, the bills are paid on time, I am surrounded NOW by people who RESPECT me (and SHOW it), by people who pull their own weight, by people who are THERE for me! 

I have a lot of debt to pay off. I have no man in my life (although I'd like one). HOWEVER, I wake up HAPPY EVERY DAY! WHy?

I have self-respect.
I have peace. 
I have hope for the future...MY future...however I want to write it.

Whan I don't have (as Prodigal pointed out):

Drama
Angst
Depression
A sense of dread and hopelessness.

If I die single, I will STILL be better off...because I was ALONE in my marriage for YEARS, I had a mountain of debt in my marriage and NO WAY OUT of it. I had quit LIVING and was merely EXISTING. Now I LIVE...HAPPILY LIVE....for ME and for the people who have PROVEN THEMSELVES worth my time, my effort, my love!

...TRY IT! It *CAN'T* be worse than where you are now! Kick him out, get tested for STDs, and get into therapy.

Go back and read EVERY post on this thread. So what if he "needs" you! You and your CHILDREN need YOU more!

.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I don't know how I missed this post when you first wrote it but a part of me is glad because my response would have been 10 pages long but thankfully every wise person who posted before me said it all. 

_Hi, my name is IrishGirl and I'm a recovering Co-Dependent. _ 

I learned the hard way, many times over, that broken attracts broken. I am a daughter of a mother who believes that it is imperative to have a man in your life for financial and emotional security. Unfortantely I only found financial and emotional blood suckers. Very much like the one you have. But hey, I had a man, right? 

January, I wish you could see and feel how it is on the other side of the codependency wall. It's beautiful over here. I have never felt so carefree in all my life because a man no longer defines me. But don't get me wrong. I had to whiteknuckle my way through some lonely nights and weekends. The withdrawal process is a real b**ch! But I started making new friends. I learned to enjoy my private time. I began to appreciate my alone time and realized that I can, in fact, be alone but not lonely. Sure, I had my moments from time to time but that's par for the course. 

This guy is taking you for granted. You are a doormat, maid, chef and occasional glory hole. I don't mean to be crass but this man loves himself more than he ever will you. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And you continue to enable his bad behavior. Not only that, you reward it. 

Time to take your power back. 

_*YOU WON'T FIND WHAT YOU WANT UNTIL YOU STOP ACCEPTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT!*_


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Irish Girl,

I loved reading this post!  But wait, I realised after a while that you made a slight error _(I know, I'm shocked as you are/going to be )_; I hope you'll see what I mean and either agree with me or correct me.



> I don't know how I missed this post when you first wrote it but a part of me is glad because my response would have been 10 pages long but thankfully every wise person who posted before me said it all.
> 
> _Hi, my name is IrishGirl and I'm a recovering Co-Dependent. _
> 
> I learned the hard way, many times over, that broken attracts broken. I am a daughter of a mother who believes that it is imperative to have a man in your life for financial and emotional security. Unfortantely I only found financial and *emotional blood suckers*. *Very much like the one you have. (1) But hey, I had a man, right?*


If you don't mind, I'm going to rewrite *(1)* *MY WAY!*
*"But hey, I had a boy for a husband, instead of a REAL MAN, right?" *

_*How's that Irish Girl...?*_



> January, I wish you could see and feel how it is on the other side of the codependency wall. *It's beautiful over here*. *I have never felt so carefree in all my life because a man no longer defines me.* But don't get me wrong. I had to whiteknuckle my way through some lonely nights and weekends. The withdrawal process is a real b**ch! But I started making new friends. *I learned to enjoy my private time. I began to appreciate my alone time and realized that* *(2)* *I can, in fact, be alone but not lonely.* Sure, I had my moments from time to time but that's par for the course.


*(2)* This is ME TODAY! But I still have options to pursue a relationship if I WANT TO, very, very slowly! 



> This guy is taking you for granted. You are a *doormat*, *maid*, *chef* and occasional *glory hole*. *(FTP: OUCH! January, did these words hurt, I hope so! It's time to wake up!)* I don't mean to be crass but this man loves himself more than he ever will you. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And you continue to enable his bad behavior. Not only that, you reward it.
> 
> Time to take your power back.


_*



YOU WON'T FIND WHAT YOU WANT UNTIL YOU STOP ACCEPTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT! 

Click to expand...

 (FTP::smthumbup*_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> If you don't mind, I'm going to rewrite *(1)* *MY WAY!*
> *"But hey, I had a boy for a husband, instead of a REAL MAN, right?" *
> 
> _*How's that Irish Girl...?*_


:lol:

Correction accepted! LOL  

And January, I hope those words I used didn't sting too much. Honestly not my intention. I was just trying to use crude language because of the crude way your boyfriend treats you. 

As far as him getting in trouble with the law, please see that as a reason to *leave*, not a reason to stay.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I will free myself of this man who does nothing but suck the life out of me. I will be strong. I will stand my ground. I will stand up for myself. I will refuse to be treated disrespectfully anymore. And I will be better off in the long run.

Oh, and he's disappeared without a word once again.


----------



## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Oh, and get this! I think he actually lied about being arrested. Why would anyone lie about something like that? I have no idea. But, there is absolutely no online court record of him being arrested and processed last night. None. 

Then he told me he got a $1,000 fine he has to pay in 30 days or go to jail. Now that isn't right either. And you leave jail with a court date not a fine. Then he would be given payment arrangements and not made to pay in full in 30 days. He also told me he was put on probation, but again, a judge would decide that at a court hearing. He wouldn't get that just walking out of jail.

Unless he saw the judge while he was there but it was after 5PM so I dont see how he could have.

Something is not right.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I think someone said it earlier, liars lie.... hes cheating and understands how to manipulate you... Put yourself first...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Are you attracted to certain types of men?
I had a friend in college that was a player, he was confident, had the looks, did his own thing, and had a "what do I need you(women) for?" attitude, and he had them lining up and chasing him. Maybe to prove themselves? I don't know. But he would cherry pick, use them and move on, and was a train wreck for their lives. Girls would go from virgin to taking it in any orifice, start smoking and drinking, tattoos, and then he'd dump them.
His level of me-me-me started bleeding into his business bending the law and scamming customers, and only after he wound up in jail was his "game" finally over.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I've made the decision to leave my toxic boyfriend. I am under so much stress right now with everything. The thought of going through with the break up has my stomach all tied up in knots. Yet, I know I can't stay in this relationship.

Today makes the 17th day in a row that he has not been home. Or, at least when I've been home. You see I work the day shift from 6:30 AM to 2:30 PM while he works the night shift from 10 PM to 6 AM. I leave for work before he gets home. He then comes home, sleeps during the day and leaves before I get home. He has been getting back around 9Pm ish to change into his work clothes.

He makes no attempt to communicate with me. 

I don't know what to expect when I tell him I want him out. My ex husband never tried to talk me out of it. So, I guess I don't expect this one too either. I figure he's already left the relationship by being gone 17 days in a row now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Don't tell this butthead you want out. My dear January, this man is having sexual relations with another woman. Please get checked for STD's. NOW.

If he's living with you, put his stuff out on the lawn or front porch. However, change all the locks in your home first.

If you are living with him, wait until he's at work or gone ... which shouldn't be difficult since it seems he's rarely around anymore. Get an apartment. Get a roommate. Get movers to pack you and move you in one day.

Block him from your cell, email, and any other way he can get in touch. QUIT CHECKING UP ON HIM.

In other words, go no-contact.

This is like an addiction. In order to heal, you have to cut him out of your life completely. Which I doubt will be that difficult, since he is boinking another chick anyway ...

Frankly, you are wasting your precious time and energy on this loser. Scrape him off the bottom of your shoe and move on.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He lives with me. This is MY house. He has no claim in it whatsoever. I can kick his butt right to the curb.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Ladies,



Prodigal said:


> Don't tell this butthead you want out. My dear January, this man is having sexual relations with another woman. Please get checked for STD's. NOW.
> 
> If he's living with you, put his stuff out on the lawn or front porch. However, change all the locks in your home first.
> 
> ...


Oh Prodigal, your post was almost identical to mine, please get out of my head. 



January said:


> He lives with me. This is MY house. He has no claim in it whatsoever. *I can kick his butt right to the curb. *
> *(FTP: Fighting WORDS! )*


January, 

Do you have bank accounts etc. in joint names?
When you do tell him to leave, make sure you have someone there with you to make sure doesn't get violent.


Now own these sage words:


> *First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.* - Mahatma Gandhi


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

No, luckily we don't have anything that keeps us tied together. No joint accounts, no kids together. 

I hurt right now. I hurt really bad. My stomach is all tied in knots. I just wish I could disappear from existence. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what happened to us. I don't understand. Up until 17 days ago, all seemed well. (Other than a slow sex life between us) but he was here. He spent time with me. We went places together.

Two weekends ago we took an over night trip together. We took lots of photos. We had a great time. Then all this happened when we returned from our trip.

I understand the weather's nice and he wants to get out and ride his motorcycle but he's not taking me with anymore. 

I have the codependent side of me sitting here wanting to find any and every reason to stay with him. While the logical side of me is saying no, no, no, no, no.

I have not yet proved there is another woman, although I believe in the possibility of there being one. But whatever it is, other woman or not, he has been lying to me and keeping something from me.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> I just wish I could disappear from existence. I wish I knew why.


You have no identity outside of what you get as a reflection from a man. It is absolutely critical to your emotional well-being that you get help. Somewhere along in your development, you were abandoned, or denied you existed, or simply not validated. 




January said:


> I wish I knew what happened to us. I don't understand.


And what good would that do? If you actually knew he was screwing another woman and just keeping you around because you won't leave, would it change what is happening? You don't want to know what happened to "us." You want to know why he kicked you to the curb.

So here is the truth: He doesn't want to marry you. He is done with you. He lacks the integrity and character to be honest with you. He's a liar. He is doing what liars do. That's it. I'm sorry, but that is IT.



January said:


> Then all this happened when we returned from our trip.
> 
> I understand the weather's nice and he wants to get out and ride his motorcycle but he's not taking me with anymore.
> 
> I have not yet proved there is another woman, although I believe in the possibility of there being one. But whatever it is, other woman or not, he has been lying to me and keeping something from me.


YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED TO THIS MAN. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO THIS MAN. He dated you, lived with you, leeched off you, and now he is done.

Heck, he isn't going anywhere as long as he can screw his gf and live with you. Here is the legality of the issue: You have to evict him. However, it sounds like if you dump his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks, he'll just go off and live with his latest victim. In other words, he isn't going to force you to give him a 30-day notice.

Get your friends to come over some evenings. Cook dinner together. C'mon ... this isn't a long-term relationship. You realize, on some level, that you need counseling.

Just dump this clown like toxic waste and claim your life.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Januari,

Change your thinking, and your life will change.

If you don't, you will just find another like those.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

So, after 36 hours of no contact, he texts me to tell me about the weather.
Really? What.The.Hell.

I didn't respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Good DO NOT respond..... I know how incredibly hard it can be... find a friend to text every time you have the urge to text him


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> So, after 36 hours of no contact, he texts me to tell me about the weather.
> Really? What.The.Hell.
> 
> *I didn't respond. (FTP: That's REAL shame...read on!!)*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember INNER happiness is the best medicine, because it's completely FREE of charge. I personally would have responded but then, I'm kinda evil when I really want to be.

Your response should be:
*"The weather is great here, sunny and warm, why? are you behind bars again, you can't tell. " *Don't forget the smiley.

Was that _too much....? _


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

January said:


> Oh, and get this! I think he actually lied about being arrested. Why would anyone lie about something like that? I have no idea. But, there is absolutely no online court record of him being arrested and processed last night. None.
> 
> Then he told me he got a $1,000 fine he has to pay in 30 days or go to jail.


Is he contributing to the finances at all? This worries me that he might now trying to be either finding a way to ask you for money or a reason to no longer contribute, if he currently has been.

I totally get not wanting to be alone - I felt the same way when my 1st marriage ended & first relationship post-divorce ended and I felt that it must be me...I must be unlovable or just plain unable to attract a decent man...I also have a very similar personality to what you describe - do not like confrontation at all. 

Well, what brought me to this site was discovering an EA my current husband (of 6 years at the time) was having with a co-worker - it was the first time in my life I really opened up and well, it was probably not pretty, but it was definitely a turning point for me where I finally came to terms with standing my ground and moving forward on my own if he did not want to commit to our marriage. We both let our guards down and it really was like we met for the first time in many ways...we are so close now and I feel so very loved. This is what you deserve for yourself - please don't fear being alone...you sound like a pretty decent person to share your days with until a very lucky man who is deserving of you comes along - and he will


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

January said:


> So, after 36 hours of no contact, he texts me to tell me about the weather.
> Really? What.The.Hell.
> 
> I didn't respond.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I'd have to respond 'Well, I sure hope it doesn't rain here cuz all your $hit I dumped on the front lawn might get soaked.'


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh, and January, be prepared. He is going to gaslight the heck out of you when you call him out on his crap because he thinks (knows?) that you are too naive to know any better. This is the kind of guy who can talk his way out of almost everything and make you look like the crazy one. If he is, in fact, lying about being in jail, then he is seriously pathalogical. Do not let anyone make you believe what you know to be true in your gut. And this guy isn't stupid. He knows he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and there will not be any real consequences. Until now..... right? 

Stay strong and true to yourself. Yes, the end of a relationship hurts no matter who ends it or why but I promise you that you are going to look back on this day a month or a year from now and wished you did it sooner.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

swedish said:


> Is he contributing to the finances at all? This worries me that he might now trying to be either finding a way to ask you for money or a reason to no longer contribute, if he currently has been.
> 
> I totally get not wanting to be alone - I felt the same way when my 1st marriage ended & first relationship post-divorce ended and I felt that it must be me...I must be unlovable or just plain unable to attract a decent man...I also have a very similar personality to what you describe - do not like confrontation at all.
> 
> Well, what brought me to this site was discovering an EA my current husband (of 6 years at the time) was having with a co-worker - it was the first time in my life I really opened up and well, it was probably not pretty, but it was definitely a turning point for me where I finally came to terms with standing my ground and moving forward on my own if he did not want to commit to our marriage. We both let our guards down and it really was like we met for the first time in many ways...we are so close now and I feel so very loved. This is what you deserve for yourself - please don't fear being alone...you sound like a pretty decent person to share your days with until a very lucky man who is deserving of you comes along - and he will


No, he does not contribute at all in any way to the household. In fact, stupid me fell hook, liner and sinker for all his "poor me" stories. He can't give me any money because this happened or that happened.

He used me and I know it. I've gave him around $2,000 over the past 7 months to "help" with things. I've paid for new parts for his motorcycle. He's lived with me rent free. I wash his laundry, cook his meals, done pretty much everything for him. All he's done is enjoyed the free ride.

Gaahhh, just wanna bang myself over the head with this computer. I feel SOOOOO stupid.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Reasons why I don't need him:
He lies
He cheats
He does not contribute
He does not communicate
No sex life between us
He uses me
No respect for me
He is not reliable
He has anger issues and gets violent easily
He has nothing good going for him in life
He has victim mentality
He keeps our relationship secret on social sites like FB
He makes promises he doesn't keep

Reasons why I need him
...
...
...
.......umm......hmmmmm......ummmm......


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> No, he does not contribute at all in any way to the household. In fact, stupid me fell hook, liner and sinker for all his "poor me" stories. He can't give me any money because this happened or that happened.
> 
> He used me and I know it. I've gave him around $2,000 over the past 7 months to "help" with things. I've paid for new parts for his motorcycle. He's lived with me rent free. I wash his laundry, cook his meals, done pretty much everything for him. All he's done is enjoyed the free ride.
> 
> ...


Brace yourself, just remember I'm on your side....so no wanting to bang the computer over my head.....

I agree, you feel stupid NOW, and will continue to be stupid, if you continue to fall for his BS lines, like you have done so far. Everyone's heard of the "Sugar Daddy" term right, well, what are you? "Sugar Mummy/Partner/Wife" what? 

You have a house, money, kids, a life (Yes a life, which YOU seem to have forgotten!!). What did he bring into this relationship? 0, zero, zip, nothing, but his backside.

Set yourself a target date to get rid of this man ASAP! Even better, why not do on it....wait for it....4th of July, Independence Day. Oh look, and it just happens to be July in less than a month from now. Just remember whole chose that username (January).

Own these sage words:


> *-The tongue like a sharp knife kills without drawing blood. *
> *-Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.*
> Buddha


Are you pissed off yet? You better be! Him! _not me okay _


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Brace yourself, just remember I'm on your side....so no wanting to bang the computer over my head.....
> 
> I agree, you feel stupid NOW, and will continue to be stupid, if you continue to fall for his BS lines, like you have done so far. Everyone's heard of the "Sugar Daddy" term right, well, what are you? "Sugar Mummy/Partner/Wife" what?
> 
> ...


I did in fact set a target date for him to move out. Saturday!! 

I found this article on co-dependency and this is very much me.

End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way | Mindful Construct


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> I did in fact set a target date for him to move out. Saturday!!
> 
> I found this article on co-dependency and this is very much me.
> 
> End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way | Mindful Construct


January! I do believe the 4th of July has come early for you. *A woman on a mission!!!* 

Make sure you have some friends close by in case things get out of control.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

January said:


> I've gave him around $2,000 over the past 7 months to "help" with things.


7 months and 2K is well worth it if you can stay strong and know you are doing the right thing by yourself and your children to move on...because this has made you stop and re-evaluate your relationships with men and to not settle for less than you deserve. Hang tough & try to play out Saturday in advance in your head so you can respond without emotion (or him) swaying you.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

swedish said:


> 7 months and 2K is well worth it if you can stay strong and know you are doing the right thing by yourself and your children to move on...because this has made you stop and re-evaluate your relationships with men and to not settle for less than you deserve. Hang tough & try to play out Saturday in advance in your head so you can respond without emotion (or him) swaying you.


I have played it out so many times in my head. I do feel somewhat better today. I'm not as all stressed out as I had been. I had my grieving stage. I cried. I got all clingy with him. Now, I'm detaching myself. Today makes day 18 that he has not been here other than to sleep a few hours and a take a sh*t. He's never home when I am home.

He didn't come home yesterday at all. I havent seen him since Monday night. I've not heard from him since he texted me about the weather this morning. I've not tried to contact him either. I doubt he comes back tonight. That's okay, I'd rather him not.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

January - I could practically have written your posts about 2 years ago. I got divorced, was desperate to find a man to make me feel loved and met the WRONG guy. I was so in love with him that I overlooked all of the warnings signs. He was cheating on me during most of our 9 month relationship. Luckily, he did me a favor by finally getting caught so that I could kick him to the curb. I was totally devastated. Then I met the RIGHT guy.  I'm so happy now with my current husband who actually respects me. He is honest and trustworthy and does what he says he will do.

I just wanted to give you a little support and some hope that you can meet a good guy when the time is right! Many of us have been there but it takes a strong person to recognize and get out of a toxic situation. Good luck!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Yeah, sounds exactly me. I am divorced two years now. I couldn't wait to have a new man in my life! And really, I don't know what I was trying to prove. Did I want to show my cheating ex husband that some other man would want me? Did I want to prove to myself some man would want me? Did I just not want to be alone? Maybe all of it.

But, I am almost too scared to have any hope of meeting someone good.




justonelife said:


> January - I could practically have written your posts about 2 years ago. I got divorced, was desperate to find a man to make me feel loved and met the WRONG guy. I was so in love with him that I overlooked all of the warnings signs. He was cheating on me during most of our 9 month relationship. Luckily, he did me a favor by finally getting caught so that I could kick him to the curb. I was totally devastated. Then I met the RIGHT guy.  I'm so happy now with my current husband who actually respects me. He is honest and trustworthy and does what he says he will do.
> 
> I just wanted to give you a little support and some hope that you can meet a good guy when the time is right! Many of us have been there but it takes a strong person to recognize and get out of a toxic situation. Good luck!


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> Yeah, sounds exactly me. I am divorced two years now. I couldn't wait to have a new man in my life! And really, I don't know what I was trying to prove. Did I want to show my cheating ex husband that some other man would want me? Did I want to prove to myself some man would want me? Did I just not want to be alone? Maybe all of it.
> 
> But, I am almost too scared to have any hope of meeting someone good.


Are you going to pack up his belongings now or are you going to wait for him to return and pack up and leave? For all you know he won't be back until next week. I would take the proactive approach and pack his belongings and leave it near the front door.

When he does leave the house for good, make sure you change the locks to the house. You don't want him to return afterwards and rob you while you're at work.

_*I'm going to sound very rude here so please accept my apology in advance here, so no offense to any of you ladies who are going through this! But I’m getting exhausted of hearing "I married the wrong man" line. I'm going to say this again to all of you ladies. Those of you that have sadly gone through what January is going through right now married boys with no balls! There are real men out there, with the genuine articles and that will show you the respect you truly deserve / RANT OVER from a MAN with the genuine articles.*_ 

January, smile, I’m on your side! It’s time for this _*“night owl”*_ to get some sleep....


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I am so mad right now I'm shaking. I'm mad at him and I'm mad at myself. He texted me at around midnight to ask why (insert friend's name here) didn't say hi to him tonight when he saw them at a certain event. (An event we were supposed to go together but he left me at home!) Now, I was asleep so I didn't get the message right away. 4 minutes later he texts again accusing me of ignoring him! WHAT????

He hasn't been home in 19 days! He does not communicate with me and he's accusing me of ignoring him if I don't respond back within 4 minutes!!!

Well, it was 4 hours later when I got the message. I woke up to use the restroom and that's when I saw it. I responded back that I wasn't ignoring him, just waiting for him to come around. He then responded back and simply said "okay".

I don't get it. This isn't the first time he's gotten upset if I hadn't responded to a text within 5 minutes but it's okay for him to be gone 19 days with almost no communication? 

Why can he take off and do what he pleases when he pleases but if I don't answer him back right away I start getting accusations?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He sounds very self-centered.
There is nothing wrong with loving someone.
But it works a lot better when they love you back.
It's about having a relationship that is truly present in your 24x7.
Not about having someone you can use as a receptacle for your love and affection giving needs, who isn't really projecting that back at you, or, into the world. You do want your love to have a life...but he's not going to help with that. 
Being right isn't enough, you need to be right with someone who is right. He's just jerking you around mentally. Whatever need he is getting filled in your relations, it isn't a need for love giving or receiving. 

Just because we want something that is good, doesn't mean that's the same thing other people want. For a good many people in the world, their primary motivation in relations with people is not establishing trust, good will and love. It is something entirely different. And nothing you can do is going to change that. In your relationships with them, they will attach to you in whatever way gets their needs met. Some of these needs are very dark. And are held quite close. Do not expect any honesty from someone like this.

And, it is difficult to admit that in effect one has been sleeping with the devil (not in a religious sense, just a saying, lol.) However, it is what it is. Dust off your soul and move on. Time is just time, your body replaces itself every 7 years, etc. Your spirit is quite resilient, it's very forgiving once you move it to better locations.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

January said:


> Why can he take off and do what he pleases when he pleases but if I don't answer him back right away I start getting accusations?


Be prepared to get this a lot once he realizes you are kicking him to the curb. This man is selfish and entitled. He believes he is entitled to YOU regardless of how he treats you. Like he expects a plant to live even though he doesn't take the time to water it. You are his possession. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to want you either. And men like this feel their "manhood" is threatened when they feel they are losing control. Keep in mind --- you not responding back to him immediately is not about him loving or missing you. It is about him not having control. 

Keep going over that con list you wrote to keep things in perspective. 

I too lived with a man who had an inferiority complex. Nothing was ever his fault. He was always the victim. He'd purposely pick fights with me over bullsh*t stuff and leave me crying on the floor in our living room while he went off to god knows where and not come back until the next afternoon. He'd turn his phone off, he's justify his actions to his friends, etc. Then one day he came home from being out all night and I was gone. There wasn't even a hair of mine in the tub drain. Poof. I was out. 

For weeks he'd beg for me to come back and promise to change. I knew he never would and besides, if he loved me, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. So I stood my ground because it was my turn to love ME more. 

Now it's your turn.......


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He later texted me again and was calling me Baby. How can he mess with my head like that? For I seem to melt when he calls me Baby. I think telling him to leave is going to be a much bigger hassle than I am anticipating. He's going to put it back on me and tell me I'm not understanding enough of his needs. I know I gotta do it. I know I do. 

And you are right about him being possessive. He hates when other guys so much as look at me. He has even called me his "property" before. He's called me that a few times. I dismissed it as nothing but it seems like I'm nothing to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Stop trying to understand why he is doing what he is doing. That will drive you crazy and it doesn't matter. It only leaves you open to questioning your own sanity and resolve. Don't!! 

Look at his actions. He still hasn't been home in weeks. So what if he calls you Baby? Does he treat you like a cherished loved one? No. His words don't matter. Look at his actions.

Again, I know what it's like. My ex could charm me so well with his words. He wrote me poetry and song lyrics and the whole thing. But he was never around when I needed him. Plus I found out he gave the OW the same poetry! Let him go. His actions speak louder than his words.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He later texted me again and was calling me Baby. *How can he mess with my head like that? For I seem to melt when he calls me Baby. I think telling him to leave is going to be a much bigger hassle than I am anticipating.* He's going to put it back on me and tell me I'm not understanding enough of his needs. I know I gotta do it. I know I do.
> 
> And you are right about him being possessive. He hates when other guys so much as look at me. He has even called me his *"property"* before. He's called me that a few times. I dismissed it as nothing but it seems like I'm nothing to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Listen very carefully he is a control freak, that must control you and micro-manage you for his own benefit. Just look at his behaviour over the last 7 months.

Remember these words:



> *First they (1) Ignore you, then they (2) Laugh at you, then they (3) Fight you, then (4) You win. - Mahatma Gandhi *


Break them down: 
*1.* *Ignore* YOU over 7 months.
*2.* *Laugh*ing at YOU, behind your back while cheating on you.
*3.* *Fight*s YOU for ignoring him and his selfish needs. etc. etc.
*4.* *You* win because YOU are NO longer his "Sugar Girlfriend".

Follow this (Tamers amend this):
*1.* Pack his sh1t up and leave it by the door.
*2.* When he comes home make sure someone is there with you and watch him leave.
*3.* Change the locks to the house ASAP!.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

It seems like it's always something, right? I'd been planning and prepping and preparing myself to tell him this Saturday that I want him gone. Well...that's not going to happen now.

If anyone remembers, his ex, who is the Mother of his 9 year old son, has Cancer. Today we found out that she will not last the summer. I know he still loves her and I don't fault him for that as they had 15 years together. He's going to be so stressed and scared that each call he gets may be that call. I don't know how I could justify kicking him out now.

Yes, I'm very hurt still over the treatment he's been giving me but I'm not sick. I'm not dying. Would I not look like the world's biggest beetch if I kicked him out now?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It will ALWAYS be something. His ex's medical condition has nothing to do with your relationship or the fact that he is treating you like crap. It doesn't even sound like you have a relationship anyway. You are just providing him with a free place to sleep.

Get rid of this leech and stop looking for excuses to stay with him!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I feel trapped now.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> I feel trapped now.


Emotional blackmail? Really. How are you trapped exactly.

He cheated on YOU! You have kids to look after, why are you spending so much time and energy on this pathetic, guiltless A'hole....... 

When are you going to put YOU and YOUR KIDS FIRST!!!!!!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

January said:


> I feel trapped now.


Look at the title of your thread. He's the WRONG man. Wasting more time on him is not going to make him the right man.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Emotional blackmail? Really. How are you trapped exactly.
> 
> He cheated on YOU! You have kids to look after, why are you spending so much time and energy on this pathetic, guiltless A'hole.......
> 
> When are you going to put YOU and YOUR KIDS FIRST!!!!!!


Although I did find an online dating profile, I have not been able to prove an actual, physical affair has happened.

I feel trapped because now I feel he needs my support. He doesn't have any immediate family here. He's from the East Coast originally and we live in the Midwest. There's a little boy too. 

I'm probably that most desperate and pathetic case ya all have seen on here to date.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

January said:


> I feel trapped because now I feel he needs my support.


I'm curious as to why you feel this way. Has he asked for your support? Has he even come home yet?

How did you find out about the ex's "dire" medical situation? Do you even know 100% that it is the truth and not some manipulation to keep you?

Most importantly, if the situation were reversed, would he be there to support you?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

liars lie.... funny how he just found that out when you are kicking him out, just like the misdemeanor
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I'm curious as to why you feel this way. Has he asked for your support? Has he even come home yet?
> 
> How did you find out about the ex's "dire" medical situation? Do you even know 100% that it is the truth and not some manipulation to keep you?
> 
> Most importantly, if the situation were reversed, would he be there to support you?


He has not come home yet. I havent seen him in 3 days now. Well, he's home sleeping while I am at work but he leaves before I get home.

He has talked of her Cancer since we got together. I have never met her before. I asked to meet her one time but he said she didn't want to meet me. 

I don't know if he would be here if the roles were reversed.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> Although I did find an online dating profile, I have not been able to prove an actual, physical affair has happened.


YOU have 100% proof of his cheating after ONLY 7 months. Really, that's ALL YOU NEED! Come on...




January said:


> I feel trapped because now I feel he needs my support. He doesn't have any immediate family here. He's from the East Coast originally and we live in the Midwest. There's a little boy too.


I've noticed you give headlines but don't follow it up with more detail information until other tamers push you for more. Care to explain the meaning of Trapped?

Where's does the little boy come into this? Where has he been for the last 7 months?




January said:


> I'm probably that most desperate and pathetic case ya all have seen on here to date.


Sorry, do you really want me to answer that one.....
Okay, your pathetic, why? because you NEED to snap out of this continuous loop you keep feeding yourself with his BS.

I hope I made you slightly angry there....that was the whole idea!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

unsure78 said:


> liars lie.... funny how he just found that out when you are kicking him out, just like the misdemeanor
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has no clue I plan on leaving.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He has not come home yet. I havent seen him in 3 days now. Well, he's home sleeping while I am at work but he leaves before I get home.
> 
> He has talked of her Cancer since we got together. I have never met her before. I asked to meet her one time but he said she didn't want to meet me.
> 
> I don't know if he would be here if the roles were reversed.


and did you ask him why he didn't want you to meet her????

Hold on, how do you know he's really separated/divorced from this wife???? 

How come she has never asked about you and your kids????

......


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He has no clue I plan on leaving.


 
WRONG ABOUT! You had to dig out the dating websites? YOU MUST have left behind a history trail of webpages you visited. Come on....

Remember when he's at home you're at work and he's at work you're at home. He's had plenty of time to discover your plans. Is this same PC you log in to TAM? I bet that's yes.....


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> and did you ask him why he didn't want you to meet her????
> 
> Hold on, how do you know he's really separated/divorced from this wife????
> 
> ...


He was never married to her. They were together 15 years though. She knows about me. I have spoke with her over the phone. Just never personally met her. She has met my daughter when my Boyfriend took her with him to a kid's birthday party one time.

The ex does indeed know he and I are together.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> WRONG ABOUT! You had to dig out the dating websites? YOU MUST have left behind a history trail of webpages you visited. Come on....
> 
> Remember when he's at home you're at work and he's at work you're at home. He's had plenty of time to discover your plans. Is this same PC you log in to TAM? I bet that's yes.....


He and I have our own PC's. Each one is password protected. I cannot get on his and he cannot get on mine. Because I could not check his browser history and because I wanted to find evidence of wrong-doing, I began an internet search for free online dating sites. I had to make myself a fake profile to get on to search through the members but within a few sort searches, I found him on two.

There is no trail for him to find because it was done on a completely different computer.
He really has no clue.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Okay, he's out. It's done. My friend just saw him out with another girl. I told him to get his **** and get the fvck out of my house.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, at least you have proof. Do not feel guilty or beat yourself up over this. He was caught red-handed. Kicking him to the curb is your first step on the road to a much, much better life. 

Please don't look at this in a negative light. You were handed a gift. Can you imagine how this might have played out if you had married him? Breathe a sigh of relief.

Now go get the counseling you need. I assure you, if you work on yourself, you will attract the right type of men. But make YOU a priority!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He texted me back and told me he was with his ex. That she had never been to a certain place before on the motorcycle and she wanted to go on a ride there before her time was up.

I told him she was his EX not his current and he had no right to do this behind my back. I've not heard back.

I know he has to work tonight and he knows I work in the morning. I'm sure he will move his stuff out while I am at work. At least that is what I am expecting to happen. I don't think he's going to try to talk me into keeping him.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He texted me back and told me he was with his ex. That she had never been to a certain place before on the motorcycle and she wanted to go on a ride there before her time was up.
> 
> I told him she was his EX not his current and he had no right to do this behind my back. I've not heard back.
> 
> I know he has to work tonight and he knows I work in the morning. I'm sure he will move his stuff out while I am at work. At least that is what I am expecting to happen. I don't think he's going to try to talk me into keeping him.


1. You can't leave HIM alone in the house! YOU or someone must be there to make sure he only takes his belongings with him.

2. Also make sure you change the locks after he's gone.

3. Contact your neighbours and inform that if he ever turns up when your not there, they must call you or the police (worst case scenario here)


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

His ex, the one who will be dead anyday now, was riding on the back of a motorcycle? Sorry, I'm just very skeptical over any of his excuses. But as someone said above, you were handed a gift. You saw his profile on TWO dating sites. That tells me he is a moron to expose himself like that or he was confident enough to know he could conjure up some lie to tell you and you'd believe him. Do you really want to be with a man who thinks you are an idiot? No, you certainly don't. And it doesn't matter if he had a physical affair or not while on that site. The only thing you need to know was that the *intent* was there. 

Tell him to move out. He will go to his ex's house - guaranteed. He will not be homeless. He can take care of her and after she passes, he will take care of their son. And in the meantime, you will be taking care of *YOU*! He is not destitute. Trust me. And if he doesn't have any other friends to support him in his time of need, that is his problem. Not yours. 

You can do this, January.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Last night just after midnight, his phone called me. I don't know if it was accidental or if he did it on purpose but he wasn't at work last night. He was with a girl. And while I couldn't hear actual conversation because of the noise, I could hear his voice and a females voice. They were laughing and having a great time. 

I listened about 5 minutes and hung up. I was so hurt. That should have been me. He hasn't been over yet to get his stuff. I've not heard from him at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

January said:


> He hasn't been over yet to get his stuff. I've not heard from him at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will be. He's just busy right now doing what he wants to do. I think you should make a run to the nearest store and pick up some hefty bags to start filling. If you want to do one more thing to help him out, make it this! 

And I know this is not easy for you and I know you are hurting very much right now. I'm so sorry for that. 

Your friend saw him out with another woman. Ex or not, doesn't matter. You found his profiles. His phone randomly dialed you. If you believe in signs, I don't know how many more you need to realize this relationship is dead. He just knew it was before you did.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

January - I'm so sorry you are hurting but believe me, it's better to start the healing process now than waste any more time with this guy. Did we date the same man or what? The woman my ex cheated on me with was HIS ex. I sensed something was going on but kept also getting her sob story and the "we're only friends" line. All lies. Just be strong, take care of yourself and perhaps think about getting some counseling to avoid getting into this situation again. All the best.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> Last night just after midnight, his phone called me. I don't know if it was accidental or if he did it on purpose but he wasn't at work last night. He was with a girl. And while I couldn't hear actual conversation because of the noise, I could hear his voice and a females voice. They were laughing and having a great time.
> 
> I listened about 5 minutes and hung up. I was so hurt. That should have been me. He hasn't been over yet to get his stuff. I've not heard from him at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh January, I'm so sorry you are going through this. He's not interested in you at all. He's footloose and fancy free life style is what he is all about. He wants you to be his doormat girlfriend with a house and no bills to pay. He's a player and he's been doing this for a while now. Please January, let go of this boy that's pretending to be a MAN!, which he is NOT! and NEVER will be!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He's now trying to manipulate me into staying!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

January said:


> He's now trying to manipulate me into staying!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ok whats he saying?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

January said:


> He's now trying to manipulate me into staying!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well of course you're staying! It's your house! 

However, since he hasn't slept there in what? Nearly a month now? It's time to make his leaving official. Perhaps he can crash with that girl he was out with last night....

Change the locks. Pack his stuff. Block his number. Done and done!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

He never sees you. He has active online dating profiles. He lies to you about being at work when he is actually with another woman. He is seen out with another woman.

I'd love to know why in the world he thinks you would stay? What a loser, seriously! You deserve better than this!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

January said:


> He's now trying to manipulate me into staying!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well of course he is - that's how he rolls....and he will continue to go where he pleases and with whom he pleases if you give in to him...he seems to be full of excuses to keep stringing you along but he is not there for you and in a 7 month new relationship, that just is not right.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He's now trying to manipulate me into staying!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


January!!!!! you're doing it again, giving us a headline, where is the rest, How....? January every time you do this, you know what I see, you crying out for someone to kick YOU up the backside and wake YOU up. 

Come on, spill it..... please....


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> January!!!!! you're doing it again, giving us a headline, where is the rest, How....? January every time you do this, you know what I see, you crying out for someone to kick YOU up the backside and wake YOU up.
> 
> Come on, spill it..... please....


Sorry FTP, I was at work but wanted to post something real quick! Okay, after much anticipation, here it goes....

So here's what happened. I found out that he is indeed a dirty, lying, sack of dog chit. He's been running around with other women. For the past 3 weeks, I've been a mess of stress. (I've lost 12 lbs so far thanks to the stress diet) Well, a girlfriend of mine saw him out last night with another girl and she called me. Now, mind you, this was at a place that he and I were supposed to go to together that night.

I told him to get his chit and to get the fvck outta my house. He then proceeded to tell me that I was over-reacting. That it was his Ex (mother of his son) and she has cancer with only 3 months left to live. And that she wanted to go to this place before she passed on and he did it as a favor to her.

So, I figured there was one way to be sure. I called his ex and we had a very nice lengthy two hour long conversation. I found out all sorts of juicy details about my Beloved. It wasn't her on the bike with him last night. Now, while she did confirm she has cancer, she is not near death and still functions pretty well.

She told me how he cheated on her several times during their relationship, including on the very day their son was born! What an As$hole. She says he uses women, gets what he wants out of them and then tosses them to the side.

Well, I was getting ready to go ahead and delete and block him from my FB but then I came up with a better idea.

You see, I don't know who this girl is he's now running around with and he has several females on his friends' list. It could be any one of them. 

Before he would never allow me to tag pictures of him. He used the excuse that because of the business he runs, it would be too risky being on FB like that.

So, I went and tagged every fvcking photo of him and I together. 55 of those beetches. If the girl is on his friends' list, she'll see it.

He does not know I talked to his Ex and got the dirty on him. He has lied about everything these past 7 months. He's been texting me this afternoon projecting the blame on me. He tells me I'm over-reacting and that I shouldn't feel the way I am but then he turns around and calls me "Sweety" in the very next message.

He has said that he'll go if he must but he really doesn't want to. I said Bye!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

January said:


> He's been running around with other women. For the past 3 weeks,..
> 
> I told him to get his chit and to get the fvck outta my house. He then proceeded to tell me that I was over-reacting.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing: I'm not interested in him. He isn't posting. You are. 

And I assure you that your friends are going to quickly tire of hearing you tell them all the juicy details of what a sh!t he is.

They know. We know.

So what about you? You said goodbye. Does that mean you are going to block him from contacting you?

Also, you are ignoring the advice of changing the locks on your house and having someone in there when he moves out.

While you are busy tagging photos on FB, perhaps you should consider changing the locks on your home, removing his possessions from the premises, and getting your focus on YOU.

Sorry to sound hurtful and blunt, but this dishing the dirt with his ex and confirming the fact he's a sh!t sounds kinda like high school stuff to me.

I know he's a bum. His ex knows he's a bum. You know he's a bum.

So what?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

January
*You need to get help and RIGHT NOW!!! *The help you need is someone that can talk to you face to face, give you a plan, and build you up so that they can help you get out of being a door mat

You mostly are just hot air and talk but very little action. You have been given excellent advice on this thread yet you still are floundering. We do not need to hear more of you telling us how wrong he has done to you. *Are you using this thread just to vent and get just enough stress off of you but not take the action that is needed?*


You are very weak, I get that. But there are tons of resources for you to get started to realize that you are worth a lot more than being treated like a dirty dish rag.


Our talk here is only going so far and we have just about given you all that we can. Now it is time for you to take action and get help. No one is going to be the one to initiate you getting better because only you can do that. *Your child deserves a mother that loves herself and has a sense of self value*.

No more excises, no more telling us how bad you have been treated, *GETTER DONE or you will become a permanent door mat!!!!!*


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I'm sorry I haven't updated the past few days. I certainly do appreciate the good advice on here.

I told him 5 days ago I want him out of my house and yet his stuff is still here. I'm not sure what to do! I don't think he's taking me seriously. He said he would leave if that's what I wanted but he's not getting his stuff out of my house.

He last slept here Saturday night. On Sunday morning I told him once again I wanted him to leave. He just said, 'if that's what you want then I guess I have to'. He didn't seem upset at all. He asked me why I wanted him to go. I told him we had hit that brick wall in our relationship and I couldn't go on anymore. I never told him I knew about all the cheating and dating sites. I could have but I had reason why I didn't.

He asked if we could get back together after all was settled down but I said no. Well he stayed at the house with me for the afternoon because we had his son over. I told him he wouldn't have to move anything out in front of him. We got along fine for the afternoon. We watched TV, had lunch, had normal conversation.

About an hour before he would have to leave to take his son home, he started to show some anger. He stomped around the living room and then he stomped out to the garage and started to polish his motorcycle. I told him I was sorry but he snapped at me about having to move his things. He said he didn't have the time.

He doesn't have too much here. He could move it out in an hour tops. He has a storage unit he could go put it in. I told him to take his boy home and then come back and start packing. Well, he came back but all he did was get on his bike and leave. He didn't come back.

I got home from work this afternoon to find him in my my garage. I asked him if he had figured out a place to sleep yet. He yelled at me that he had to sleep on a park bench last night. He then took off on his bike and I havent seen nor heard from him since. Now, I don't believe for one sec he slept on a park bench. Is he trying to get me to feel bad for him so I let him stay?

I went inside to find a few of his things gone but they were things that didn't matter. Two filing cabinets, his computer and his guns. That was all. All his clothes are still here. All his bath and shower items are still here. Nothing is even packed! 

He works 3rd shifts so he should be here in the afternoon getting his things out but he's not. What is he doing? He's not begging me to keep him or anything like that. He's not calling or trying to talk to me at all. But he's not getting his stuff out and I don't know what he's doing.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> January
> *You need to get help and RIGHT NOW!!! *The help you need is someone that can talk to you face to face, give you a plan, and build you up so that they can help you get out of being a door mat
> 
> You mostly are just hot air and talk but very little action. You have been given excellent advice on this thread yet you still are floundering. We do not need to hear more of you telling us how wrong he has done to you. *Are you using this thread just to vent and get just enough stress off of you but not take the action that is needed?*
> ...


I don't disagree that I should talk to someone but that's why I post here. Real life people cost money. Yes, I have a good job but I also have other things that need paid for. I don't have enough money at the end of the month to cover the cost of a therapist.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You came home to him in your garage?? CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. NOW. (and garage code!) This man does NOT belong in your home. And you know what? Since he is so damn busy, get a bunch of trash bags, pack every last piece of clothing and whatever else he has there, and put it out for him to pick up. EVICT his ass. Tell him he has X amount of hours to come get it, or it goes off to charity. Have them scheduled for a pickup and everything. What a jerk.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> You came home to him in your garage?? CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. NOW. (and garage code!) This man does NOT belong in your home. And you know what? Since he is so damn busy, get a bunch of trash bags, pack every last piece of clothing and whatever else he has there, and put it out for him to pick up. EVICT his ass. Tell him he has X amount of hours to come get it, or it goes off to charity. Have them scheduled for a pickup and everything. What a jerk.


:iagree:


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He's out. He got his stuff and he is gone.

I think a part of me wished he would have fought for me but he didn't. Oh well, right? It's time for me to work on me now.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He's out. He got his stuff and he is gone.
> 
> I think a part of me wished he would have fought for me but he didn't. Oh well, right? It's time for me to work on me now.


EXCELLENT NEWS! 

The reason why he wouldn't or couldn't fight for you is because he is a "boy" pretending to be a "MAN". A real MAN would have stayed and fought for you or least tried.

1. Change ALL the locks to the house / garage everything.

2. Stay single for a while and learn to be happy again. Once you've found your inner happiness no one can take it away from you.

Looks like June is "The end of a new beginning" for YOU!

Well done January..:smthumbup:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

January said:


> He's out. He got his stuff and he is gone.
> 
> I think a part of me wished he would have fought for me but he didn't. Oh well, right? It's time for me to work on me now.


:woohoo: :toast:


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

He's out. His stuff is gone. I've learned he's a no-good, lying, sleezy scumball.

So, why do I miss him so much right now?


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

January said:


> He's out. His stuff is gone. I've learned he's a no-good, lying, sleezy scumball.
> 
> So, why do I miss him so much right now?


OH NO! January......

After everything that POS has done to you in the last 7 months you still have feelings for that "boy". You have NO INNER Happiness, and you continue to seek others to make you happy. Make yourself happy first!

I have no idea if this is going to work, oh what the hell.....

A coin has two different faces on it thus making it a REAL coin to be used as legal tender.

A relationship has two sides, one side is you and the other side your partner. You keep seeking happiness from your partner ONLY, without FIRST looking for your own inner happiness. 

January is this called a relationship?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by Mr Blunt *
> January
> You need to get help and RIGHT NOW!!! The help you need is someone that can talk to you face to face, give you a plan, and build you up so that they can help you get out of being a door mat
> 
> ...





> *
> 
> By January*
> I don't disagree that I should talk to someone but that's why I post here. Real life people cost money. Yes, I have a good job but I also have other things that need paid for. I don't have enough money at the end of the month to cover the cost of a therapist.
> ...



CONGRADULATIONS January!!!!
The first big step is now accomplished. Now you will have to fight your feelings that are hurting because he did not fight for you. In addition your feelings are missing him and you will be temped to compromise in thought and deed. DO NOT COMPROMISE but instead find a way to build yourself up. There is the library, what about real friends do you have any? What about family, what about your place of faith?

You can use this forum and ask for encouragement or for someone to share their similar experience. If you find a person that has been somewhat in your shape and has gotten back up and improved; that would be an excellent person to help you and that will not cost anything. Remember if you get good advice then it will do you no good unless you ACT upon that advice. I understand that you need a p-lace to vent and talk about your situation but I d not want you to think that alone will get you into a much better state of being.

Believe it or not I am pulling for you


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi January. As others that have already posted, I want to say Congratulations for getting out of that toxic mess! 

What you are missing is the man you thought he was and hoped he could be. But he is *NOT* that person. You are mourning the loss of a man that did not exist. In a few days or a few weeks that will all become very clear to you. The silence is going to be difficult but from what you have said it's been silent in your house for a while now. 

Get new bedding. 
Rearrange the furniture.
Put clothes on his side of the closet.
Scrub your house from top to bottom. 

Take ownership back of your home and, most importantly, your heart! 

Hugs. I am proud of you! You are stronger than you think you are!!


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I did rearrange the living room today. Tomorrow I think I will do the bedroom. I know it will take some time but I will get better.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Obviously, I don't post much here. But I just found this thread, and have read it with my mouth hanging open; all the wonderful advice that's been given, but very little progress.

January, have you changed your locks yet? He can, and probably will come back and trash your house out of vindictiveness. 

You don't miss him, you miss what you wanted him to be. The sooner you get that through your head, the better off you'll be.

Why do I feel like I wasted the use of my typing fingers?


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I never told him I found out about the cheating. I never told him I knew about the dating sites. I just asked him to move out and made up some excuse about myself not being happy in the relationship. I guess I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me.

Anyways, I believe this will be the end of this thread. I appreciate everyone who gave me advice and everyone who has jumped on me about getting help. I will be doing just that. 

Thank you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Good luck to you.


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