# Need Answer To Sexless Question???



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Again,

It's Granny7, so most of you know my story. It's been a rough 3 yrs. Anyway, I've just about made up my mind to not ever know the total truth of his 3 yr. affair 25 years ago. As most of you know it all came back to me about 2 yrs. ago. PTSD is what it's called or obsessive thinking of his affair. I never got the answers that I needed as to his feelings for her, what happened, etc. 

Anyway, this is my question. I've basically for the sake of my health and his trying hard to make the marriage work to just let it all go as I can't deal with the stress of it anymore.

So a night ago, as I am sleeping with him again, I started to let him get romantic with me, which I have not wanted him to do. So we had a very nice time loving each other and being close again. Of course he suffer's from ED, due to an enlarged prostrate. He also has to take Flomax for that and that can affect a man sexually. This issue has been going on for about 4 years now. If he takes his little blue pill it will usually work. Of course the other night, it was impromptu so no pill was taken so nothing worked, even though it was fun and nice.

Fast forward to the next day. I thought he might mention, either at the end of our impromptu session, "Well we can finish this tomorrow night and if it wasn't said then, he could have said it to me the next morning, but he didn't." I brought it up tonight by asking him, "Why didn't you even mention making love to me tonight, since nothing worked last night?" He said that he didn't think about it and wasn't sure if I wanted him to???? That blew my mind and I got very angry. I told him, "I would think that any man who hasn't had sex with his wife for months would jump at the chance to finally have sex with her." He didn't have an answer and then he told me that he just enjoyed holding, feeling close to me and going as far as he was able to. I told him that I wanted more than that, as it reminded me of how it was over 3 yrs. ago when he was having hormone issues. Then he tells me, "Why can't it just go as it comes as it is a downer to be talking about it!" Which I answered, "It can't be that way as you need to prepare. I just got so angry as I would have thought that most men would have wanted to make love to their wife if it had been like our marriage had been like for quite a while. 

I just feel so hurt and unsexy and it makes me feel that he's not thinking of me sexually and that's like a slap in the face after all I've been through.

So after reading my long story, here is my question for the men out there and the ladies can chime in also.

"Wouldn't you want to make love to your wife the next available time if you hadn't been loving her in months?"

Thanks for any input that everyone has out there. If I'm wrong, I won't be offended by your response.

Granny7
Granny7 is online now Report Post


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

No u are right.after four months of no loving I would do whatever it takes to get the job done,even take a half bottle of the blue pills and then go at it till you couldn't walk straight.just to make up for lost time.check the movie stand up guys.all Pacino gets out of jail and took about six blue pills,he didn't know about them.when he went to the brothel first time he had trouble.when he went back after the pills he about wore out the girl.l would do anything possible to get back in the sack and get things back to normal.wish u the best of luck.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Love that suggestion!


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Granny, you go for it girl!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like he may be a little embarrassed or depressed about needing the little blue pill so he wants to save his feelings by not talking about it. 

His enjoying the experience is fine for HIM. Obviously, he needs to work on thinking about YOUR needs and feelings, too. Spontaneous romps are no longer on the menu.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

As an increasingly 'sexless' person, I have to admit, it's not something I would generally tend to discuss but I recognise that for many, it is important.

Keep the dialogue open granny but don't corner him or he'll never perform!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm not sure why you would think he would feel any different. You finally allowed him and it wasn't successful. You could have and should have let him know you wanted to... that is, if you didn't just get mad because he didn't offer rather that you really wanted him. I'm not sure if you really wanted the sex or the response.

I really think you should be more understanding. How do you think he felt being unable to perform ESPECIALLY when he hasn't been with you for so long and the stakes are so high?

Why didn't it make you feel good that he enjoyed being close to you? It has been a long time and I bet it felt really, really good to connect to you physically. It reassured him and you took that away.

You cut him off in the first place. He is ashamed. He is unsure where he stands. While I get that you are still upset about his affair, you really haven't let go of your anger despite stating you have. Allowing him near you was the first concrete step you took after deciding to also work on the marriage.

Have you been on the Reconciliation thread at all? If not, talk to them and let them help you help your marriage. If you are sincere wanting the marriage to work, you absolutely must also think about his feelings. 

He has ED. That adds a whole different and painful dimension to recovery.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Granny7 said:


> Hi Again,
> 
> It's Granny7, so most of you know my story. It's been a rough 3 yrs. Anyway, I've just about made up my mind to not ever know the total truth of his 3 yr. affair 25 years ago. As most of you know it all came back to me about 2 yrs. ago. PTSD is what it's called or obsessive thinking of his affair. I never got the answers that I needed as to his feelings for her, what happened, etc.
> 
> ...


A quick question is anyone knows the answer? Why would my post say, "Report Post?" Was their something in their that is not allowed on TAM? I thought it was pretty clean and I've sure seen a lot worse topics discussed on here?
Thanks, Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Applejuice said:


> Granny, you go for it girl!!


Applejuice,
Trust me, it's going to be a good night.
Granny7, but not to old yet!


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> A quick question is anyone knows the answer? Why would my post say, "Report Post?" Was their something in their that is not allowed on TAM? I thought it was pretty clean and I've sure seen a lot worse topics discussed on here?
> Thanks, Granny7


No idea Granny, makes no sense to me! Don;t worry about it!


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> Applejuice,
> Trust me, it's going to be a good night.
> Granny7, but not to old yet!


Hahahah that's the spirit girl!! I fully intend to be a disgraceful geriatric one day!


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Applejuice said:


> As an increasingly 'sexless' person, I have to admit, it's not something I would generally tend to discuss but I recognise that for many, it is important.
> 
> Keep the dialogue open granny but don't corner him or he'll never perform!


Applejuice,
We hardly ever discuss it as i know it bother's him. I just offer suggests maybe a day or two later on other ways to make it work better. He's never liked to talk about sex, we use to never have to as everything worked fine. Was he extra adventurous, like skinny dipping in the pool, No, not really. Just an example, he's a nuts and bolts type of person. But we are going to have to come up with a solution to the problem if we are going to make this marriage work, because intimacy is such a huge role in it.
Granny7


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Every post had that button. People can report offensive posts, spam, whatever.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> Applejuice,
> We hardly ever discuss it as i know it bother's him. I just offer suggests maybe a day or two later on other ways to make it work better. He's never liked to talk about sex, we use to never have to as everything worked fine. Was he extra adventurous, like skinny dipping in the pool, No, not really. Just an example, he's a nuts and bolts type of person. But we are going to have to come up with a solution to the problem if we are going to make this marriage work, because intimacy is such a huge role in it.
> Granny7


I can relate to him granny, I went off sex about a year ago.. no idea why! I think as I distanced myself from other organisms, I distanced myself from the bestial nature of humanity. It doesn't mean I don't feel sexual impulses, I just don't like them. They overrule my brain and that's cheating.

How could I conceivably be seduced into the sack? After a lot of fun, alcohol and rejuvenation. Would it aid my sexual performance.. not likely? Maybe that's why I'm single!

IF I had access to viagra, I'd opt to drink, make merry, drop a V and be a king!


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Every post had that button. People can report offensive posts, spam, whatever.


Thanks clip, probably someone who thinks mature humans should be sexless!


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm not sure why you would think he would feel any different. You finally allowed him and it wasn't successful. You could have and should have let him know you wanted to... that is, if you didn't just get mad because he didn't offer rather that you really wanted him. I'm not sure if you really wanted the sex or the response.
> 
> I really think you should be more understanding. How do you think he felt being unable to perform ESPECIALLY when he hasn't been with you for so long and the stakes are so high?
> 
> ...


clipclop2,
No offense, but you need to read my other posts. I didn't say a word that night, nor the next morning. I was very loving and affectionate. I only asked the next night why he wasn't thinking about being intimate again since it had been so long? We had not been having sex because I didn't want to. The circumstances of our marriage were totally up in the air as to if we were even staying married. That's not a conducive atmosphere for having sex and he even said that himself. He never pushed it, nor did he want to. We were arguing way to much to want to make love. As I said, I inniated the lovemaking or affectionate session in bed and yes I wanted him to want me again, like I wanted him. It wasn't just for a conversation about it.

Read some of my other posts and you will see how I've been left out emotionally and lied to for a long time, but I continued to work on the truth and the marriage, so their would be no more rug sweeping and we could move on after the puzzle was put together. He hadn't been cut off, he just didn't have the desire as he was angry also.

Thanks for your opinion though.
Granny7


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Granny7 said:


> "Wouldn't you want to make love to your wife the next available time if you hadn't been loving her in months?"


Just because he didn't initiate doesn't mean he didn't want to. You've been withholding sex for months. In most cases like that, sex is reintroduced slowly, in a two steps forward, one step back process. He may have been letting you take the lead so that he didn't overwhelm you.

If you view your sex life as having crossed the Rubicon, and now everything can go back to normal, then tell your husband.

Good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Need Answer To Sexless Question???*



Granny7 said:


> clipclop2,
> No offense, but you need to read my other posts. I didn't say a word that night, nor the next morning. I was very loving and affectionate. I only asked the next night why he wasn't thinking about being intimate again since it had been so long? We had not been having sex because I didn't want to. The circumstances of our marriage were totally up in the air as to if we were even staying married. That's not a conducive atmosphere for having sex and he even said that himself. He never pushed it, nor did he want to. We were arguing way to much to want to make love. As I said, I inniated the lovemaking or affectionate session in bed and yes I wanted him to want me again, like I wanted him. It wasn't just for a conversation about it.
> 
> Read some of my other posts and you will see how I've been left out emotionally and lied to for a long time, but I continued to work on the truth and the marriage, so their would be no more rug sweeping and we could move on after the puzzle was put together. He hadn't been cut off, he just didn't have the desire as he was angry also.
> ...


I read this thread. It annoys me that there is another thread is on the same subject and contains more information. You want people to chase the information? No thanks.

It seems to me that starting two threads is a selfish thing. Want more attention and want it right now? Start another thread!

Bye


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I this thread. It annoys me that there is another thread is on the same subject and contains more information.
> 
> It seems to me that starting two threads is a selfish thing. Want more attention and want it right now? Start another thread!
> 
> Bye


Are you like the thread gestapo? Is it inefficient or something? meh.. bye!


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

So er.... it WAS a copy-paste job Frenchfry? meh, even so.. go for it girl!! woohooo - viagra for the win!!!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If your H's equipment is not working all the time, does he ever try other methods? 

There are other ways to stay close and connected. Are you both comfortable with other methods?

He could be in the cycle where he wonders if things are going to work, then worried that it will not work, embarrassed that things did not work, and it can be a vicious cycle. 

Hope you both can be understanding with each other.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If my wife refused me for 4 months I would have a lot of resentment and would basically lose most of my attraction and affection for her. For that reason alone I would likely need a blue pill. You really can't expect him to keep pursuing you if you neglect him for 4 months, even if the reason for your neglect is a good one.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

To Everyone who gave advice on my above question, I want to thank you for your help. For the one's who chastised me, well that's why it's a free country to say how you feel. But I do think if you really knew the whole story, you might have seen it differently. I just wanted to let all of you know that last night was very nice for the two of us. We connected again and it was a wonderful, loving experience. I feel that we made a break through in our marriage and I hope that we continue to as we go forward. 

It was nice to feel free and loved and give love back again. I have more hope for the future as I just let go of the past as best as I could and will try to move forward. I can't change what he did and neither can he. I know he wishes he could and realizes how wrong he was for doing what he did, but it can't be undone. It took him a long time to change a lot of his behaviors, but he is definitely working on himself. If their are still lies, their is nothing else I can do about it. He will have to live with it and for those of you who believe in God, he will have to answer to Him for those secrets. I can't keep fighting it, it does no good, except to take my happiness away along with the rest of the days of my life. Will I ever forget it, NO, but none of us will that have experienced it. The only thing that I can think of that is worse than an Affair, is the death of a child, so that's how important being faithful in a marriage means to me. I hope with time that the Obsessive thoughts will go away.

Just giving up the drinking for over 2 years is a major thing in our life and he was able to do that. It had caused so many problems and he hasn't slipped, not even once, so I am very proud that he's accomplished that. 

He was very happy also, even though everything wasn't successful, but that's not important. It's the connection and sharing of love that came about from us being together. I have a feeling that we made great strides last night and we were both happy about that. Everything didn't work perfect, if you know what I mean, but that's okay. The love was the most important thing to both of us. He felt good about making me happy and we will both have to work harder on his problem. Hopefully with time, he will be able to find a solution to it. I think the more we connect the easier it will be for him and that's very important. Not worrying so much about his ED would also help him, I sure don't put any pressure on him about it, he puts it on himself.

So, that's the update to our Friday night date that I wanted to share with all of you that took the time to write and try and offer advice. Thank you again.

Granny7 (-:


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> Cleaning up a threadjack and the answer is:
> 
> it looks like you copy-pasted more of the screen than you intended.


FrenchFry,
I wasn't aware that I did that???? I just posted the same question on the Private Member's Section and then the same question on, I believe it was the Marriage section as their are more people on there that might have some advice to me. I sure wasn't doing it to get extra attention as someone suggested. That's just more questions or responses for me to read and answer. Thanks for letting me know though.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If my wife refused me for 4 months I would have a lot of resentment and would basically lose most of my attraction and affection for her. For that reason alone I would likely need a blue pill. You really can't expect him to keep pursuing you if you neglect him for 4 months, even if the reason for your neglect is a good one.


WorkingOnMe,
Like I said, there is so much more to the story than what you have read in this one question. He wasn't denied sex from me at any point. Our life was such a mess that neither one of us had any desire for it with all the arguing that had been going on.
Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> If your H's equipment is not working all the time, does he ever try other methods?
> 
> There are other ways to stay close and connected. Are you both comfortable with other methods?
> 
> ...


harrybrown,
He has had ED for about 2 yrs. or longer. He has an enlarged prostrate, takes Flomax for it. He doesn't have a low testosterone level, all that's been checked by a very good Urologist. Even when he goes off the Flomax for 24 hrs. like he's suppose to before sex, then tries one of the pills, Viagra, etc. things still don't work good enough to have sex, no matter how much we try. 

Your right, then he worries if it's going to work. I never put any pressure on him about it or say anything if it doesn't, except something to make him feel better about himself. He needs to see another Urologist and maybe they will have a better solution. I also think the state of our marriage, which has been bad for a few yrs. now surely doesn't help. You have to feel love and be comfortable with each other and that hasn't been easy with all the arguing that has been going on between us. I'm hoping after last night where we did connect emotionally that things might start to get better. Thanks for the advice.
Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Applejuice said:


> So er.... it WAS a copy-paste job Frenchfry? meh, even so.. go for it girl!! woohooo - viagra for the win!!!


Applejuice,
You are just to funny and I can always use a good laugh. It easies the stress. I did go for it and so did he!

A young Granny7


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