# Sexual Incompatibility or Male / Female struggle?



## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

My wife of 5 years and I have had an off-again on-again sex life. For the honeymoon it was crazy, anything goes wild wild sex. Pretty much every day. Then she had some health problems related to her vagina and shut down sexually. She did eventually heal and very very slowly has opened up to sex again. Finally after 4 years, our sex life started getting good again over the last 2 months. 

She claims to have a high sex drive. I have a very high sex drive and would do it 10-15 times a week if she was into it. During her illness, she talked about all the experimental things she wanted to try and in the last few months said she's ready to try some new things - positions, light bondage, finger ****ing (which has been off-limits for 4 years) g-spot exploration, other types of play.

I've always been very fliratious, romantic, passionate. I surprise her on the regular, constantly come up with new things we can do together (which she enjoys), complement her, show my appreciation for her, we joke around a lot and I and generally give her a lot of respect. 

So I'm obviously dying to expand our play -4 years of drought and we have a lot of lost time to make up for. I've asked if we can start expanding our play and she says that she wants to, but that she doesn't feel 100% safe. That in our day-to-day interactions outside the bedroom she needs me to be more gentle with her (we've had some conflict lately - nothing major,typical relationship stuff) and that everything that happens outside the bedroom dictates whether she'll be open to trying new things. This has happened repeatedly. Basically it derails the conversation. Because instead of talking about sex, she shifts the discussion to vague other things - maybe the tone of voice I used with her if she got on my case about something...or a 'vibe' she intuits when I'm stressed about work or something else. I feel like she needs me to be 100% perfect outside the bedroom to get what I need. 

I'm at a loss. If she was sex-positive and really wanted to expand and try these things, wouldn't she find a way to set the small **** aside and just go there? We're still having sex and it's good (sometimes great) but it's incredibly limited and she's 100% in control of who touches or kisses what and when.

Any advice to break through this stalemate is greatly appreciated.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

calidad2 said:


> If she was sex-positive and really wanted to expand and try these things, wouldn't she find a way to set the small **** aside and just go there?


If you really want to expand and try these things, wouldn't you find a way to start being consistently "gentle" with her outside the bedroom? Good sex starts outside of the bedroom. 

Maybe it's an excuse, maybe it's all talk, or maybe she's telling you what she needs. Are you doing that, _consistently_, or just rolling your eyes and wanting thing to go your way?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Having gone through a many many years drought of 1-2 times a month starfish duty sex with me wacking off 1-2x a day otherwise; I can say it is hard to come out of it and it’s not like snapping your fingers. Think of it as a process of give and take.

You want something from her and she wants something from you. The fact you’re talking and she’s telling you what she wants is a good sign.

Take it slow, you’ve had years of badness so take it easy.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Good comment. Thank you. It's just so frustrating. PI really just want to know if the hangup is what she says or if it's an excuse to cover over sexual incompatibility. If the latter, I would consider ending it. Just wish I could get her to be direct.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> If you really want to expand and try these things, wouldn't you find a way to start being consistently "gentle" with her outside the bedroom? Good sex starts outside of the bedroom.
> 
> Maybe it's an excuse, maybe it's all talk, or maybe she's telling you what she needs. Are you doing that, _consistently_, or just rolling your eyes and wanting thing to go your way?


Thanks for your reply. I am supportive, patient and very gentle with her outside the bedroom. Sometimes I'll make a comment or give a look that triggers her and she says I'm being passive aggressive. That on occasion escalates into a conflict. But our conflicts are no different than most couples. The biggest conflict is around work - I'm the bread winner (not by choice) and she's been very passive about looking for work. Generally though we're actually really good at resolving our conflicts quickly. I feel she's setting the bar at an impossibly high level. I'm a human being and can't be perfect all the time.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

calidad2 said:


> My wife of 5 years and I have had an off-again on-again sex life. For the honeymoon it was crazy, anything goes wild wild sex. Pretty much every day. Then she had some health problems related to her vagina and shut down sexually. She did eventually heal and very very slowly has opened up to sex again. Finally after 4 years, our sex life started getting good again over the last 2 months.
> 
> She claims to have a high sex drive. I have a very high sex drive and would do it 10-15 times a week if she was into it. During her illness, she talked about all the experimental things she wanted to try and in the last few months said she's ready to try some new things - positions, light bondage, finger ****ing (which has been off-limits for 4 years) g-spot exploration, other types of play.
> 
> ...


This is a pretty standard story. Many women need to feel in control of things in the bedroom. Constantly pushing new stuff new stuff new stuff probably makes her feel less in control. My wife gets that way sometimes is things in general life are a bit more stressful. I usually find just letting things happen naturally leads to better results. Might not be exactly what your hoping for in that moment but she might be more open in the moment than she would be with a bunch of specific request leading up to the moment.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

After health problems related to her vagina, she might be both wanting to try new things and also really scared to do so. Is it possible she's finding reasons to slow things down because she's still worried/scared about the health issues? Even subconsciously?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Everything that happens outside the bedroom dictates how willing she is to try new things?

And she's up your ass about incredibly minor things that happen in life?

What a power play. She's certainly got you by the balls, hasn't she?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A few thoughts. First, your wife had some medical issues and may be "gun shy" (yes that was a bad pun). Your relationship seems to have a problem and it is one that is centered around differing sexual expectations.

If you are up to it, perhaps the two of you can talk and set some boundaries so their is less fear and pressure when you crawl into bed together. Each of you filling out a yes/no/maybe list separately and then exchanging them to study for a few days is a good start. Then discuss each of them, even if they are both "no's" so you better understand each other's boundaries is one way to proceed. You might want to break the list into two or three day's worth of discussion in sessions of not more than 2 hours length. I would suggest that you agree on a time period for which this agreement will last. By that I mean you agree that you will revisit the list every two years and do another renegotiation based on changes and growth in each of you.

One of the things that I believe is that many women expect their men to take the lead in the bedroom when it comes to sex and yet they have very strong feelings about what they do not want to happen that they have not communicated. That makes relaxing during sex and trusting that their partner will not try to do one of their taboo list items hard. If you have agreed you will not do certain things or there are things she is reluctant to do, but might do under the right circumstances, then that should reduce her anxiety toward sex. You also need to make sure she understands that just because something is on the "yes" list, it doesn't mean that is all you are going to ever do again. Specifically, just because a BJ might be on her yes list doesn't mean every time the two of you have sex she will suck you off. Same with bondage, etc. 

After you discuss your lists and set your boundaries, you need to figure out how to rate the things you have tried in an open and honest way. Were they things you both really enjoyed and would like to become regular once a month or more often things? Are they things that she would like to have input into before the two of you have sex. Say before sex pull out the list of yes & maybe's and ask her if she has any requests for the next time the two of you make love. That might make things less stressful for her.

Good luck.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

calidad2 said:


> I feel like she needs me to be 100% perfect outside the bedroom to get what I need.
> 
> I'm at a loss.


Every time I hit my thumb with a hammer, I'm at a loss as to why my thumb hurts.
Every time I drop a barbell on my foot, I'm at a loss as to why my foot hurts.

I'm having a bit of fun at your expense, but I think that she's actually speaking a kind of core truth to you and you're just not seeing it. She has to get into a mental state of mind to activate her sexual desire, if she's brooding about some things which went wrong during the day, then she can't get to that ignition point.

There's two aspects to that state of mind and state of environment. External factors and you. The lack of world peace might bother her and put her out of the mood, or something with her family or her job. Tough luck, that's out of your control. You though are under your control. She needs to be looking at you in the house and a.) not being frustrated by you in terms of your daily activities and chores. If you're sitting on you keister and watching a game on TV and she's working at cleaning the bathroom, then this might get under her skin. It doesn't matter that just an hour ago you came in from 4 hours of yardwork. Even irrational thoughts still come with a punch, an effect, and b.) she needs to be looking at you and desiring you. A woman who desires you will be touchy-feely outside the bedroom, she wants your touch, she wants your attention, she wants to engage with you and then it's easy to get it on in the bedroom.



> If she was sex-positive and really wanted to expand and try these things, wouldn't she find a way to set the small **** aside and just go there? We're still having sex and it's good (sometimes great) but it's incredibly limited and she's 100% in control of who touches or kisses what and when.
> 
> Any advice to break through this stalemate is greatly appreciated.


A common analytical error that most of us make when looking at inter-personal interactions is presuming that others think as we do. I'm going to take a guess here - you are the kind of guy who CAN put things aside and out of your mind and shift concentration. Can your wife though? You know her, do you see her doing that in other aspects of life, putting aside her frustration or bad mood and suddenly she's in a different mood?

I suspect that she's not really the problem, it's you, wanting her to act as you would like her to act. She told you what she wants, take her word for it.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

calidad2 said:


> Generally though we're actually really good at *resolving our conflicts quickly*. I feel she's setting the bar at an impossibly high level. I'm a human being and can't be perfect all the time.


This doesn't actually have to signal an impossibly high bar because all conflicts, and their effects, are not equal. The key here, for most people, is that immediate conflicts have greater impact than the less-immediate conflicts. What you argued about at breakfast is, come bedtime, going to have less impact than what the two of you did in the evening. This means you don't have to be an impossibly perfect husband all day long, just in the evening.

If she likes romance novels, then send her to your bedroom to read some steamy romance and you do some chores in the rest of the house. Then when you arrive in the bedroom, she's calm and now also mentally steamy and ready for some action with you. If she likes to luxuriate in a hot bath, send her to have a bath and to relax herself, clear her mind, and then you come and towel her off and carry her into the bedroom and ravish her.

You're sending a pretty consistent message via your continued comments, her sex block is arising from conflict with you. She doesn't seem to be able to hold the residual effect of conflict and sexual desire at the same time. That residual effect arising from conflict needs to be completely dissipated and then comes part two, the desire for you needs to be built up. 

Chicks are frequently different from men. A warm summer breeze hitting a guy's johnson will get him ready for action. Women need that jumbo-jet jump starter apparatus to get their engines revving (with a familiar partner).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If women aren't pleased with you, they don't usually want to have sex with you. It's not a separate entity to them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think some of these comments verge on encouraging an unhealthy dynamic... No one should have to have a perfect day in order to have sex with their partner.

OP described really minor daily things as roadblocks to a normal, ongoing sex life.

No, that's not normal and I suspect this problem will grow.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I think some of these comments verge on encouraging an unhealthy dynamic... No one should have to have a perfect day in order to have sex with their partner.
> 
> OP described really minor daily things as roadblocks to a normal, ongoing sex life.
> 
> No, that's not normal and I suspect this problem will grow.


I kind of agree with you and kind of don't. I assume good faith on the part of the wife, that she's not manipulating him with the promise of sex and withholding in order to engage in a powerplay. Her desire cannot be manufactured, or conjured up. Her desire has to be authentic, otherwise he's getting obligation/pity sex.

If her authentic desire requires her to have positive feelings for her husband in that immediate timeframe, free of residual resentments, then SHOULD really has nothing to do with this, it IS what it IS.

I do though see the potential for the wife using this to her advantage.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> A common analytical error that most of us make when looking at inter-personal interactions is presuming that others think as we do. I'm going to take a guess here - you are the kind of guy who CAN put things aside and out of your mind and shift concentration. Can your wife though? You know her, do you see her doing that in other aspects of life, putting aside her frustration or bad mood and suddenly she's in a different mood?
> 
> I suspect that she's not really the problem, it's you, wanting her to act as you would like her to act. She told you what she wants, take her word for it.


Isnt' that the same thing as saying we are incompatible in these ways? I don't want her to act as I'd like. I have a need for more variety, more frequency and more intensity, more enthusiasm. Things she claimed she also wants but then she puts up all these road blocks. She claims to be 'sex positive' but a sex positive orientation would allow you to set aside your gripe about dirty dishes when it's time to get down and dirty.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I think some of these comments verge on encouraging an unhealthy dynamic... No one should have to have a perfect day in order to have sex with their partner.
> 
> OP described really minor daily things as roadblocks to a normal, ongoing sex life.
> 
> No, that's not normal and I suspect this problem will grow.


Thank you. This makes me feel less crazy! She claims to be 'sex positive' but a sex positive orientation would allow you to overlook minor things such as not cleaning a dish or misreading body language in the hallway, etc.


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