# Should I contact my ex? Thoughts please!



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm really struggling not contacting my ex and I need some advice

We finished a week ago just before Christmas - he ended it, I would have liked to continue. Since then I haven't had any contact with him. I told him I wouldn't and I didn't want to speak/ text him, because it would hurt more, and I didn't want to be friends - again because of hurting more. He texted me the next day just saying he hoped I was ok, but I didn't reply.

The back story is we met through work about 18 months ago and became friends. About a year ago he asked me out. I was really cautious as it wasn't very long after I finished my previous relationship and also because of work (having to work with him still if we didn't work out), he said he understood and we took it really slow - just friends at first, then 'dating' just once a week and then over th last 4 months we got into a 'proper' relationship and I really started to fall for him. 

Last month he got told at work that he would have to go into a different role which would involve transfer away from the office and it wasn't certain where he would need to locate or maybe move home. 

He starting thinking to maybe move company or maybe career change. He got really anxious and low and he said he wasn't coping well and feeling very unhappy. His dad had a nervous breakdown / bad depression in he past and he was really worried that could happen to him. He then mixed me into the confusion and said he couldn't really look after me, give me a stable relationship and wasn't certain where he was going and it was best if we finished. He seemed really upset and pretty confused.

I have a medical background and I was genuinely concerned he was getting depressed, but at the same time, I'm hurting lots because I thought we had a gold relationship and I didn't want it to end. I also am divorced 2 years ago so I think I'm quite vulnerable when it comes to relationships ending.

Now I'm really struggling not contacting him - I miss him, but it's possible he feels better off without me and more relaxed and happy now, or maybe he's having a really tough time.....so many uncertainties, I'm not sure what to do. I still love him, so maybe I just want to contact him for my own sake....the worst bit is that either way I will have to see him at work at be end of this week    don't know what to say / do when I see him


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Don't contact him if you are going to see him so soon. When you see him remain emotionally controlled since you are at work and ask if you and he can go out for a coffee at lunch time if there are things you want to talk about. Then take your cues from him.


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## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

Many of us know that tugging sensation of wanting contact. We tell ourselves that it's not for us but for him ... to see if he is OK. Deep down, we know that it's us; the silence is so difficult and there are so many what if's.

Months from now, looking back, you'll be very happy that you stayed on the sidelines and waited. Spend your time preparing for that first meeting at work rather than the right email or text today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He ended it. If he wants to contact you he will. Don't contact him. You'll see him at work in a few days anyway.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you should let it go and count your blessings. Even though you have some time vested in the relationship it's fairly short, so take a moment and look at what life would be like long term with the guy.

The guy faces a little bit of stress and he shuts down toward you. What happens when you have kids? What happens when one of you loses your job? What happens if one of you gets sick?
It sounds like you would spend your time trying to fix him and calm him and reassure him, but he will never reciprocate, he has told you that. Eventually you will feel more like a mother than a wife, no way to live.

The other thing is it may all be an excuse, maybe he is just looking for a way out and is playing the "confused" card.

Regardless, as hard as it is for you let it go, don't call him, when you see him at work just say good morning, don't try to engage him otherwise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I'd say take this as a good warning. If he balks at this little bit of stress, what would he do if something bad actually happened? Let him be alone and get the help he needs. Maybe you can hook up later, after he's had IC.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you everyone above for really helpful replies...I can see people have sound advice to share. i've read the answers and taken on board - I kept well away from my phone to stop me texting him....it was super human effort to be honest. I'm taking it quite hard it think 

Today I will do the same and try to stop any urges to contact him. 

Are there any tips or suggestions on how to handle things when I have to see him at work? 

I can't completely avoid him as we sit within the same team in an open plan office - he's only a desk away from me and so he's in my natural sight line the whole time pretty much  I know I will have to keep 'in control' - it's a pretty formal work place/ professional environment. I don't want to act like I'm all 'fine' / smiling at him etc etc cos to be honest, I'm not fine. But at the same time, it's obviously not on to be rude to him. Arrrgggghhhh! I'm getting pretty worried and I hope I will keep it together.....I'm still really sad and upset about him ending it :scratchhead:

Don't try to engage him as you say Cooper - I will need super human effort for this


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Whatever you decide, please remember that most men can't read body language

So regardless of whether you act 'cool' or not, he'll go off what you say.

Just something to think about... the fact that your 'obvious' signals aren't obvious to a man.

Other than that, no advice.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tough to be in the same workplace.

He does not have his shzt together. You need to disengage to protect your emotional wellbeing.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Yes Sandfly!! I hadn't thought of that at all! Thank you for pointing that out - I think you are right.

If I'm honest, I want him to know that he hurt me and I secretly want him to be hurting too ( I know it's mean, but I can't help it - if he isn't bothered then I will feel worse because it means he didn't care). That's why I don't want to pretend everything is 'ok' with me - but at the same time, the office is certainly not the place to get rude, upset or throw toys out of the pram. This is a very horrible one. I have a feeling may just have to tough it out and feel like crap whilst he is totally oblivious. 

It stinks!!!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Longwalk - you are right - he doesn't have his shzt together at all.....

I now I feel like he used me....why bother spending months trying to get someone to agree to a relationship with you, only to stop it almost as soon as they agree to it??? That is what hurts, I really thought I went carefully, and I thought we were good friends. You are right - I need to protect myself - emotionally...I don't want to go down over this


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Marigold said:


> Yes Sandfly!! I hadn't thought of that at all! Thank you for pointing that out - I think you are right.
> 
> If I'm honest, I want him to know that he hurt me and I secretly want him to be hurting too ( I know it's mean, but I can't help it - if he isn't bothered then I will feel worse because it means he didn't care). That's why I don't want to pretend everything is 'ok' with me - but at the same time, the office is certainly not the place to get rude, upset or throw toys out of the pram. This is a very horrible one. I have a feeling may just have to tough it out and feel like crap whilst he is totally oblivious.
> 
> It stinks!!!!


You sound like a nice person. I'll try to interpret his brain for you.

It is possible that he is looking ahead at the unsatisfactory prospect of a long-distance relationship, in which case he'd rather keep his 'single' status than have his new colleagues think he is attached to someone over yonder, and therefore 'cheating' when he flirts/meets new people. Thinking ahead.

I feel sad for you. I bet if all this change wasn't going on, then he would have pursued your relationship - simply because he has taken so long to get to know you that I am sure there was a genuine attachment, but under the circumstances of an uncertain future - career and location wise, there's not much that can be done about it.

I don't think it's anything to do with your personal qualities. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Just be your usual self, and realise that this situation is not your choice, and possibly - if his reasons are genuine and he really is going to be transferred - not his choice either.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

All you can do in the office is employ icy professionalism and communicate with him as little as the job will allow.

I can fully understand you wanting him to know how badly he hurt you but the office is NOT the place even to drop hints about this. Your colleagues have to work there, too, and are entitled not to have to deal with an atmosphere. If you have anything you want to say to him then you will have to suggest the two of you meet for coffee or you will have to write to him.

If you think you might get a bit tearful then say you think you have a cold coming as soon as you arrive at the office. Snivels will be easier to explain. Or invent an elderly relative who is at death's door and who you are worried about to explain away any signs that you are out of sorts. Make sure you have a coffee or water on your desk at all times - if you start feeling emotional having a drink may help you focus on something other than staring at him.

If you have a choice about what work you undertake when, make sure that whatever you do on the first day back requires a fair amount of concentration and is interesting, but does not require top level concentration because I doubt you will be in a position to concentrate fully and you don't want to be getting in trouble with mistakes made because of him.

Good luck. This is where you really understand the down side of an office romance.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

One of the oldest pieces of advice out there is "never date a co-worker".

It's difficult to follow that advice, obviously, but it's more difficult to have to deal with the aftermath if/when it ends, imo.

My advice to you in this case, is to forget it and move on. The replies above mine are gold. He pursued you, you eventually gave in, he ended it. He can't handle a little bit of stress, AND he's wishy-washy, so take that as a huge neon warning sign that he isn't marriage material.

And if someone isn't marriage material, there is absolutely zero point in continuing a relationship, unless you're 17 years old. He might be fun, he might be good looking, but if he bails at the first sign (literally) of any stress, then he's not the one for you and/or he's not ready for a real relationship.

The last thing you need is a having an on-again, off-again relationship with someone you work with. This is where you go, 5 days a week, to earn a living. It's not high school, where if your BF breaks up with you, the worst that could happen is your grades and social life might suffer. Your work could suffer, and you could lose your job.

Many companies enact a no dating co-workers rule for good reason.

And just as ClimbingTheWalls said above me, you have co-workers. They don't need to deal with this stuff, either. No matter how much you think it doesn't affect those around you, trust me, it does.

You really, really need to be able to separate the workplace from your social life. Go there do your job, go home. Then deal with him on your personal time. For the 8 hours you're there, it's work time, and nothing else. It might be difficult, but you need to think of the other people you're around, including him. This is blunt, but it's true - if you can't help yourself and you break down and talk to him, then you're being selfish.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> Are there any tips or suggestions on how to handle things when I have to see him at work?


Yeah, blow him away with how much fun you're not having, how happy you are, how interested you are in what other people have to say.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I secretly want him to be hurting too


Best way to do that is to enjoy being without him, and let him SEE you enjoy being without him.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you for your sound advice everyone. 

i found Sandfly's reply really helpful and the bit about just trying to be myself. I've quite a bit of practice pretending all is fine with me when it's not, but its a big strain to put on a show which I also know from experience, but at the same time, I do understand that work is work and I will have to keep my feelings under control. I like the ideas about pretending to have a cold or some other story to explain why I might not be all smiles - I will do that one. Actually, no one in the office knows we were dating so its not like people will ask questions.

I do understand it was maybe stupid to date him, but honestly, I did try my best to make sure I could trust him - all the time spent getting to know each other better as friends etc - I suppose any relationship is a risk - I got it wrong - now I'm going to try by best deal with it.

I have also had an idea to imagine in my head what it could be like and my feelings so maybe I might be better prepared? I also need to think of excuses not to go for coffee and lunch at usual times because we all tend to go together - him included...it will look odd but I don't think I can hack sitting through lunch together


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Marigold said:


> I'm really struggling not contacting my ex and I need some advice
> 
> We finished a week ago just before Christmas - he ended it, I would have liked to continue. Since then I haven't had any contact with him. I told him I wouldn't and I didn't want to speak/ text him, because it would hurt more, and I didn't want to be friends - again because of hurting more. He texted me the next day just saying he hoped I was ok, but I didn't reply.
> 
> ...


I am not reading other replies before responding.... 

I think you should not contact him, but give him some time. There are two possibilities here: Either he has concluded that you are not the one for him and he's making excuses, or he's feeling pressured because he's finding that he wants to be a good provider for you and doesn't yet feel that he's there. 

I think it's probably the second one, but in either case, giving him his space is the way to go. I think men who find themselves debating whether they are ready to be a provider like this have to answer an internal conflict... "Is she worth it for me to make major changes in my life?" This is a decision he should be able to make without your interference, because if he feels later like he didn't have a chance to make that decision _for himself_, it can lead to less commitment and more doubts. The time alone, on the other hand, will help him see pretty quickly just how much you do or do not mean to him. 

The best approach you can take is not to sit around waiting, and not to jump into dating others, but to set a reasonable timeline for yourself to give him that freedom before you start dating again. I'd encourage 45 days, but I doubt it will take that long before you hear from him again. He'll probably be in touch every week or so, and he will avoid talking about his thoughts on this subject. I would encourage you to be friendly, receptive, and mildly supportive, but to refuse to get back together or date him until he is certain about what he wants between the two of you.

ETA: Now I have read other replies. It didn't really change my thoughts any, except I was thinking your relationship was a bit further progressed, so it gave me a perspective that it could be that he wasn't as into you as I first thought. Eh... same thing, though. If he sees you as the capable woman who can take care of herself and doesn't let life get her down, you'll stand the best chance of having your relationship survive. 

You asked how to interact at work. I'd say "strictly professional." Since you've hidden the relationship from coworkers already, that means "just keep on keepin' on."


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ideas:

1. Fake it til you make it. 

2. Wear a rubber band on your wrist to snap.... if your feelings are bubbling over, or if you want to say something to him, etc...

3. Pack a lunch....take a walk... fresh air will help (say you are eating/being healthier this year) 

4. Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself if you can..... and do not beat yourself up for this. YOU didn't screw up. 

5. Remember.... HIS LOSS.

6. Get a song/mantra in your head that reminds you to stay optomistic. (Mine was "I'm Alright"...stupid/funny gopher from Caddyshack!)

7. Sticky notes of happy thoughts!

YOU CAN DO THIS!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When a man tells you something, you need to believe him. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship (I can't give you this/that/the other). That's all you need to know.

You need to focus on you now. Limit your contact as much as possible. At work, if you can rearrange your desk so you don't have to look at him, great. If you can't then you'll have to remain busy.

No coffee breaks together, no lunches together or after work drinks.

He broke up with you - don't let him downgrade you to friend.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you so much Kathy, SunnyT and frusdil - I can see this is all really careful and sound advice - very much appreciated and needed.

I've read over it a few times and I'm going to do my very best to take it on board. for tomorrow, I have planned to come into my desk by a different route which avoids his desk too. I am thinking about happy music I could play on headphones which would mean I wouldn't be able hear him on phone / with colleagues etc

I haven't contacted him at all - as everyone advised - I'm still checking my phone lots to see if he contacted me but nothing (so ashamed ) ..I know this is silly but I can't seem to help it.

I feel guilty now that I never replied to his text asking if I was ok the day after he ended it - I was just too upset and so I just turned off my phone. Again, I know this is silly because it was him ended it, but I keep thinking of all the 'what ifs' especially, what if he's really low and not coping...I know not my problem, but I still worry....or he's mighty relieved we're finished (just as bad).....

Need to 'get a grip' - easier said than done


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

No need to feel guilty for ignoring his text. He has NO business knowing what's happening in your life after he decided to check out of it, and you don't have any duty to explain that to him. 

Wearing headphones is a fantastic idea!

Hope it all goes well for you.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Marigold said:


> Need to 'get a grip' - easier said than done


I went back to look at some of your earliest posts.

I now understand how terrible this is for you.

It resembles when your husband said 'he needs some space'.

Perhaps this is what they call here a 'trigger' - a set of words or a situation which gives you deja vu and a feeling of dread.

I too have this thing you mention:

"I'm still checking my phone lots to see if he contacted me but nothing"

I think everyone does it till they get someone new. You only really move on when you find a new person, or get a new hobby, or make some other significant change, such as get a new career.

But at the same time, it's not a good idea to jump on someone new till you're feeling good about yourself, lest you pick a person who smells vulnerability.

Quite the catch 22 ! 

And for a bloke, at least this aspect is sorted, because frankly he won't attract decent partners until he has his head together anyway. 

So the danger is really just for women - the 'rebound' relationship.

I might be wrong, but I think how your marriage ended has magnified this for you - I bet that in the past you would have been like "Oh, he's moving away? Nevermind. These things happen." But instead now you automatically wonder "what did I say? What did I do wrong?"

I would like to share the background to some 'triggers' that I have - 

My first relationship ruined me in some ways too. I was 12 and she was 13, but she was already sexually active and sleeping around. I really liked her personality, she was super intelligent and a good conversationalist and had a nice foreign accent. I wasn't even attracted to her sexually, although she was very good looking - I was simply too young. But all she wanted was sex.
After a couple of weeks of dating her, all her conversations, and all her mind games began to boil down to an attempt to get to sex. This went on for a few weeks, till she must have realised I was stringing her along and not really up for it.

That screwed me up forever, because since then I have always swerved any woman who comes on too strong, by which I mean has attempted to get close before I'd known her at least a couple of weeks. Because I simply don't trust such a woman... and in a sense, that's a great lesson to learn early - I've always ended up with better women, by weeding out the psychopaths long before sleeping with them. I get to know them before they can apply their mind-games. At the same time, I was sexualised very early, having several adult encounters when I was 14, and my first long-term (7yrs - too long for that age) relationship when I was 16. I hate the way people like Miley Cyrus encourage young sex because the paranoia of falling behind my mates forced me into very risky sexual behaviour. I thought sex at 14 was normal, thanks also to that first girlfriend, it's only later I realise that all the other lads my age were lying when they were boasting about their conquests.

OK, so back to you. What I'm getting at, is that it looks like this is _always _going to be a problem for you, if you let it fester as I did. 

In your case, you'll always be dreading the words 'I need some space' or 'I think we should be apart for a while' or 'I may be moving away' etc. My triggers include compliments about my looks, or about anything really. They make me instantly suspicious and dismissive.

You'll probably over-react like I have - I seem to deliberately lead women on to test if they are 'easy', then leave them hanging - and if they aren't, then I'm still interested. You'll develop your own version of a test, such as "does he spend a lot of time at work?" "Is he working for a firm with branches in London and Paris?" "does he already have a house (= likely not to wander off)

I don't know, but you won't come out of this without an abandonment complex. Perhaps, just perhaps, you have already developed an over-reaction, and you constantly sought reassurance from this new partner... which, early on in a relationship can freak a man out.... maybe? That would have to change.

What to do? I would suggest just really getting in touch with how it all makes you feel and write it down. Why you feel as you feel, and any constantly recurring phrases that keep going round and round your head - repeating thoughts are clues to your subconscious. Forget what you wrote for a few days and then look at those words again, and see if you 'recognise yourself' in them. If they seem weird or exaggerated, then your subconscious may be taking control of your waking thoughts.

Then at least you know what negative thoughts you need to counter with your positive thinking.

Just an idea, try writing it all down and hiding and locking it away in a drawer. It will be cathartic anyway, and save you from saying something stupid. Help you to formulate anything you do want to say. Kind of script it for you, and get rid of some of the wackier ideas going around you head at the same time.

Best Wishes!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Marigold, I know we're all different, but . . .

If I were you, I would make life simple and focus on your own life until the right man comes along. And let him do the work. 

I am guessing you don't have kids? Really, you only want to be with a very stable, very helpful man when you have kids. Life is hard enough for women without having to carry your dh, too.

So relax, and let Mr. Next come along. It really should be no work for you.

Aunt jld


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marigold said:


> I'm still checking my phone lots to see if he contacted me but nothing (so ashamed ) ..I know this is silly but I can't seem to help it.
> 
> ...
> 
> I feel guilty now that I never replied to his text asking if I was ok the day after he ended it - I was just too upset and so I just turned off my phone.


Nothing to be ashamed of sweetie, we've all been there, done that 

You have nothing to feel guilty about for not answering his text. He broke up with you. How you are, what you do and who you do it with is no longer his business.

Headphones are a great idea - you go girl. Rock it sista! :smthumbup:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Marigold said:


> Thank you so much Kathy, SunnyT and frusdil - I can see this is all really careful and sound advice - very much appreciated and needed.
> 
> I've read over it a few times and I'm going to do my very best to take it on board. for tomorrow, I have planned to come into my desk by a different route which avoids his desk too. I am thinking about happy music I could play on headphones which would mean I wouldn't be able hear him on phone / with colleagues etc
> 
> ...


Don't feel bad for not replying. No response in this case is a response in itself. Obviously you're not ok, you just got dumped. Stupid question!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The fact that you feel you should have replied is a good indicator that you might be codependent. Have you ever been assessed for this?


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Just wanted to say how amazed I am by the kind responses here, they really are so thoughtful and insightful - I'm finding them really invaluable. So thank you to everyone.

Today I dealt with work. 

I couldn't really look him in the eye. He said morning and I did back but I couldn't smile and I he immediately knew I wasn't ok because I saw it straight away on his face. When there wasn't anyone around he turned round and asked if I was ok - I just said 'yes I'm fine' but I couldn't really look at him. I positioned my screen so I couldn't see him so easily and used my headphones a lot. I had lunch at my desk and I avoided any contact at all - it wasn't needed today so it didn't look odd. It was a MASSIVE strain. I felt I might get teary a few times so I went to the toilet and no one saw anything. No one much was around in the office today so that made it much easier to keep to myself almost entirely all day. Tomorrow I don't think he is in the office so that will be a huge relief. I think next week he will move out of head office to a different location. This is double edged - good because its horrible to see him, bad because its horrible not to see him.

sandfly - yes my experience in my marriage has definitely made me the person I am now. There are some good things I have learnt and positive changes I have made as a result, but it has also unfortunately not helped that I spent my 'growing up' years with someone who didnot build me up. He cheated several times but always denied me any truth, details or apology, he blamed me for everything, he cut me off emotionally and physically and really just froze me out. In the end he left me and disappeared without telling me where he went or with who. 

I had just over a year of counselling which really helped me get through...apparently lots of his behaviours were what's called 'narcissist personAlity' - this was a TOTAL revelation to me. I googled it quite a bit and the description was exactly him. It helped me understand why I felt he never loved me and how that impacted on me and why it wasn't to do with my short comings. The counsellor pointed out that I have lots of traits that are attractive to narrcicist people - I have an issue putting other needs before my own and so I can end up in situations where I'm not happy but I feel I need to help someone else or do what they want. I think this might be what is called 'codependent' but I'm not sure.

Either way, this recent boyfriend was not like that, I do believe he is a genuine and kind person but as several people have pointed out here - he is not 'sorted' or ready for commitment which is sad for me, but I can see also a 'lucky escape'.. 

Jld is so 100% right - I need a man to do the work, he has to be helpful and stable, I can't get myself in a relationship where I have to carry him...this is a terrible place to be, I have been there in my marriage - it was utter misery. The very thought of being in a similar place again makes me feel sick with worry.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

I think you did well today. Just the right things. 

You responded, but you didn't leave the door open to any half-hearted fishing. It takes courage, but do something once, and the next time it gets easier.

Incidentally, this is how my old Religious Education teacher used to explain why people went bad. The first time they steal, they are nervous, guilty, conflicted. But because they get away with it, each time it gets easier and easier, till they end up a brazen thief.

Narcissism -

According to one theory of female attraction, a lot of women find themselves attracted to narcissism, perhaps because the negative 'don't give a damn about others' closely resembles the positive 'I don't need validation and confirmation from others'.

They look the same, perhaps because they are the same, just one is attached to an abusive person and one isn't.

You can't help being attracted to anyone - even knowing them to be self-centred, however.

Here's to you getting more useful practice, and building up your courage; till eventually you are cool and confident.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Sandfly- that is a very encouraging reply!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you were married to a narcissist, consider yourself an abuse survivor, and consider getting a bit more therapy. It will have infiltrated more aspects of your life than you think. It may affect the type of man you attract or choose, as well.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

An update for further input:

He left a voice message on my phone after work. He said wasn't sure if to call me, but that he found today at work hard and he thought that I might have found it hard too. He wondered if we could speak and wanted to find out if I am ok.

I believe it was a genuine message and it was meant kindly.

Tunera: yes, my marriage was a very horrible experience. I have looked up co-dependency on the web - I recognise a lot of these traits in myself - although I hope I am not as extreme as some of the descriptions, lots of the characteristics resonated with me. I never considered more counselling - that has given me a lot to think about.

My natural desire is now to ring my ex back immediately and talk, but I don't know what I want to say. In the spirit of trying to set my boundaries and not worry about his feelings ( take care of my own instead) I am not going to call until I can think what I would like to say. I am reminding myself it is my decision if I even want to speak, and if I don't want to, that is legitimate. 

If that is the case, maybe I could consider sending a text explaining I'm not really ready to talk yet. I do genuinely consider this man to be a kind person and I don't believe he is being manipulative (I'm hoping my previous experience is helping me distinguish here and I believe I'm right), so I would not like to 'make him suffer' just to be mean.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He dumped you. It's no longer your problem if he 'suffers' - he brought that upon himself. If you call him back, you're telling him it's ok to treat you that way. Show him you deserve more. And it just may raise your value in his eyes to the point that he questions his decision. And at least it will save you a conversation you may not need to have. 

Re: therapy. My DD23 tried a new one this year, for insurance purposes, and she was pleasantly surprised to find that this therapist takes a completely different approach. She focuses on your behavior and helps you break down your behaviors and thoughts to see where the destructive stuff comes in, and then works with you to set new goals that wipe away things that bring you pain. I'll ask her what kind of therapist.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Oh no I already called back  but he didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message.

I had planned on telling him I wasn't ready to be friends.

I've turned my phone to silent so I can't be tempted to answer if he calls back....wow this is tough, Isn't this playing games a bit? 

Feeling confused


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Going to go out for walk. Need to stop obsessing.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Marigold said:


> Oh no I already called back  but he didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message.
> 
> I had planned on telling him I wasn't ready to be friends.
> 
> ...


Good thing he didn't pick up.

It is playing games a bit.

Please don't respond to half-hearted fishing. 

He wants to think he's a marvellous fellow. It just gives him an ego-boost. 

He'll carry on doing whatever he planned to do anyway, and your obsession will increase. 

Only you will end up hurt by this.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Ok, I listened to his voice message again - maybe he just wants to calm his conscience by getting me to tell him I'm ok. 

Yes, this could be a 'half hearted' attempt to check I'm alright. And he will carry on regardless. I will get all hopeful that actually he does care, but he's just wanting green light to go and be happy with his decision.

He called back. My phones on silent. I didn't answer.

I don't like this - I'm feeling really bad. I don't like not responding. It feels like a game. It's making me miserable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> Isn't this playing games a bit?
> 
> Feeling confused


Do you feel mentally stable enough to look him in the eyes and not have a meltdown? Of course not. Then it is not playing games. It is self-preservation.

You seem to do a lot of 'oh, I need to make sure no one is uncomfortable because of me' and 'oh, I don't matter so much, as long as everyone else is ok.'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I don't like not responding. It feels like a game. It's making me miserable.


If you were a mentally healthy person with no abuse in your past, who loved yourself and did not doubt yourself and knew your value, do you know what you most likely would have done by now?

You would have told him off for daring to do this to you, in this way. And you would have walked in that office with your head held high, instead of slinking in and trying to hide. And when he called, you would have picked up the phone and said something like 'look, you've made yourself clear and, frankly, I deserve better than to be treated this way. So take your fake guilt and stuff it; I've got better things to do.'

Do you see the difference?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Marigold said:


> Ok, I listened to his voice message again - maybe *he just wants to calm his conscience by getting me to tell him I'm ok*.
> 
> And you're not - so no point doing it.
> 
> ...


I'm trying to cut down on giving likes, but unfortunately Turnera keeps saying sensible things, so I have to keep dishing them !

It's a tough one.

*I'll have to ask Turnera:*

Given that she can't possibly control a face-to-face conversation with him, nor a phone call; and because texting is the wrong medium for getting answers...

What would you think, Turnera, in this situation if she sent an email asking:


Why are you trying to contact me?

Have you changed your mind about our relationship, yes or no.


Like that.

Or, if you agree with the method, but not the questions : what are the best questions she might ask?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is no reason to have any contact with him whatsoever. He made himself VERY CLEAR and any attempt to communicate now is nothing more than her trying to scramble to get a quick fix of him or else to try to win him back. Neither of which is healthy or going to work.

He's gone. Accept it. Move on. And get therapy.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

... and there you have it I guess.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

At first I thought that Tunera was taking a rather hard line. Then when I thought about it, what is the point in talking to him if he just want to ease his conscious? I think the only situation that would merit a talk is if he left you a voice mail saying "I have made a horrible mistake in ending our relationship. I am sorry for doing that, blah blah blah. Can we please talk."

Anything short of ths line of conversation probably has no benefit.

By the way, Marigold, I can imagine that this is very very painfulto you. I think you're handling this very well.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you very much committed4ever for your encouragement. That makes me feel lots better.

Excuse this long post. I wrote this to clarify my thoughts and it has helped me. It is a mini rant.

I do not want to contact him simply to ease his conscience or reassure him I'm fine in order for him to dance merrily into the sun set chuckling to himself.

I note he did not contact me for 10 days over Christmas - likely partly because I requested this and didn't respond to his text, but also likely that he was simply getting on with his other concerns and decisions. 

He contacts me today because he has just had an extremely uncomfortable day in the office having to sit opposite someone he just dumped and is hurting because of it. He did not appreciate how hard I'm taking this partly because there is a lot of back story he doesn't know all the details of which affects my thinking. Today he has realised that I'm not ok - before today he could ignore that fact and concentrate on himself. That's why he has contacted me. I am almost entirely certain it has nothing to do with reconsidering his decision to end it.

The honest reasons I would like to contact him are because:
I still like him
I want to tell him he hurt me and I'm not ok
I want to tell him I'm not ready to be friends with him

The reason not to contact him is:
There is no future with him ultimately 

I do not believe he would like a relationship with me now (even though I would like him to want one ). Yes, I do find it very difficult to see others upset and not want to try to make them to feel better. I understand this is not healthy to do this if it means my own emotions and needs are devalued and this is why it is important to have boundaries. I am trying to establish these. I have moved forward a lot following my divorce and counselling. I do not believe I am psychologically dysfunctional. I do have personality traits which make me more vulnerable than some others to people who are manipulating for their own gain. I try to keep these in mind and yes, I think counselling is important if parts of your personality lead you into unhealthy patterns.

I do believe this person to be genuine. I do not believe him to be manipulative. I have worked closely with him over about 18 months now and became friends with him very slowly. i have observed him in lots of work and social situations interacting with other people. I believe he does have a problem feeling low and anxious at present. I don't believe he 'faked' the reasons for finishing the relationship or faked his voice message to me today.

I think he is a wishy washy, confused person who is not very mature and doesnt quite know where his focus is yet or where he is heading. he needs time to grow up and discover this. I am not in the same boat - i know where i would like to be: with a stable, helpful man who is kind and thinks I'm wonderful.

I don't believe he intended to hurt me, but that doesn't mean he didn't and it doesn't mean what he did with me was right. It wasnt. I want him to know I don't like what he did, but at the same time, his decision is his decision. I accept that and I'm not trying to change it.

I understand that his current confusion/anxiety is not my 'problem' and I will not be the person to help with it, given that he already decided to end his relationship with me. I will not be demoted to 'friend' for this purpose and have no intention of being his counsellor. 

I don't see any reason in this scenario to tell him to F off or be rude to him. He was kind and caring to me during our relationship. These are the traits that attracted me to him. I don't really have any outstanding questions of him. He allowed me to ask them all when he finished with me and answered them. The main one was 'why did you bother persuading me for so long to get into a relationship, only to end it?' His answer was that he thought he could handle all the changes going on and still look after me and then realised he couldn't. This was a sad but truthful answer. He simply didn't think. That's that. 

I do not know whether contacting him back and explaining why I'm hurt and why I don't want to be friends will be helpful for me to get off my chest or not. That is something I will need to consider. I also want to feel happy from my perspective with how the relationship ended in months to come so I need to take this into account as well.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

He wants to contact you to make himself feel better (guilt reduction), but isn't really thinking about what you may want.

You want to contact him to make yourself feel better (unload your feelings), but he won't be interested in any of your criticisms.

I don't see anything changing if either of you talk to the other, you both just want to feel better at the expense of the other person.

Sounds really pointless. Two people who aren't really interested in what the other has to say.

At this point, you have the high ground however. You said you didn't want to be contacted, and you've stuck to it.

What would it say to him, if you broke your own request for non-contact... That you don't mean what you say... that he can call on you anytime he's depressed and you can soak up all his negativity... that doesn't sound like a friendship to look forward to.

Your instincts when you decided not to 'be friends' were a lot closer to the reality when you had them... you knew exactly what you were saying any why at the time. 

But over Christmas and new year, your memory has been clouded by the withdrawal chemicals in your brain and your deja vu, it's addiction-withdrawal that's driving you, not your rational needs and wants.

You should trust your _initial _gut feeling rather than re-write what happened as your memory fades, and the withdrawal takes hold.

Right now, Sandfly desperately wants a cigarette. He imagines the thick smoke delivering a hit of nicotiney goodness, he sees himself with a glass of port sitting in the sun, soaking up the rays as the cigarette tickles his brain and relaxes his muscles. But that's withdrawal.
Do 'I' want a cigarette? No!! My brain is in withdrawal, and the lack of chemicals are creating 'visions' of paradise to try and get me to cave in and smoke. This is real! 
My brain says in my mind: go on, one won't hurt. Sure, one a day never hurt anybody.
Then it's well, one every two hours. You're only really addicted if you smoke one an hour. One every two hours - you could give up at any time.

Four days later I'll be back to a cigarette every half hour. Have you ever been addicted to something? You will recognise what I am saying if you have - even if it's an addiction to a TV series, and you only wanted to watch 'one' episode of a box set...

and there you are, seven episodes later, three in the morning, and you've got work in five hours !

So how do I beat it? It takes time, but the chemicals will re-normalise eventually, and the cravings will go away. After that, it's just vigilance.

In the meantime:

No contact with cigarettes - none in the house
Avoid situations where people will be smoking - parties, pubs - anywhere with alcohol
Don't talk about smoking
Find other things to do
Replace the chemicals another way - exercise releases the same chemicals, so whenever I have to quit, I always start exercising.

Things like that.

Just replace 'cigarettes' and 'smoking' with thingy's name in my examples. Because you're not quitting smoking are you.... mmmmm cigarettes.... I'm sitting here with insomnia from withdrawal, and the shops are shut now!


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

finished editing. that's enough I hope


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I have moved forward a lot following my divorce and counselling. I do not believe I am psychologically dysfunctional.


Nor do I. I just think you have a lot to learn from counseling to help you overcome your FOO issues and abuse issues and codependency issues. Let them help you retrain yourself.



Marigold said:


> I don't believe he 'faked' the reasons for finishing the relationship or faked his voice message to me today.


Nor do I. But he's an adult, he made an adult decision, and now he gets to feel the adult ramifications of his decision.



Marigold said:


> I want him to know I don't like what he did,


That is why you do NOT contact him and you ignore him at work. Any words you use will only work the _opposite_.

He fired you as his girlfriend. He doesn't get time with you, words with you, or mollification from you. And if you think he needs to grow up or whatever, staying away from him and letting him feel his own pain is the best way to do that.



Marigold said:


> I don't see any reason in this scenario to tell him to F off or be rude to him.


I hope you aren't equating what I said with doing that. What I said to do is IGNORE HIS ATTEMPTS TO CONTACT YOU. Maybe you're so codependent that you think anything short of remaining his friend to ease his pain as telling him to F off?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Marigold said:


> apparently lots of his behaviours were what's called 'narcissist personAlity' - this was a TOTAL revelation to me. I googled it quite a bit and the description was exactly him. It helped me understand why I felt he never loved me and how that impacted on me and why it wasn't to do with my short comings. The counsellor pointed out that I have lots of traits that are attractive to narrcicist people - I have an issue putting other needs before my own and so I can end up in situations where I'm not happy but I feel I need to help someone else or do what they want. I think this might be what is called 'codependent' but I'm not sure.
> 
> Jld is so 100% right - I need a man to do the work, he has to be helpful and stable, I can't get myself in a relationship where I have to carry him...this is a terrible place to be, I have been there in my marriage - it was utter misery. The very thought of being in a similar place again makes me feel sick with worry.


Yes, a man has to do the work... in some ways. So do you, though. The trick is to learn how to do YOUR work and not his.

As far as whether to communicate with him or not.... He's pulling a classic move that makes it easy to keep you available for sex and fun times without having any responsibility to you. I'm voting for staying dark on him unless you want to end up feeling used and mistreated.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Kathy.

I'm keeping going with not responding to his calls which was 4 days ago. It's very hard, do keep suddenly wanting to call him back or text but I am stopping myself with will power. Keep wondering if he changed his mind but I think I'm kidding myself in that. Hope it's the right decision.

I will have to interact with him at work tomorrow - grim! 

Birthday is today! Keep going! 

Hoping it will get better. Surely it will be better when I don't have to see him at work anymore??? I pray that will be soon.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

He texted 'happy birthday I hope you are ok x' 

Should I not even respond to that?? Help!!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Marigold said:


> He texted 'happy birthday I hope you are ok x'
> 
> Should I not even respond to that?? Help!!


Happy birthday!

You're obviously itching to respond, but what will it achieve?


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you! 

Yes, that's exactly right - I want to respond, but what will I achieve? 



He's probably being nice because he feels guilty. I want him to want me, but he decided to dump me. I instinctively feel its rude not to respond, but others on TAM have pointed out that it isn't rude. I am struggling with that, but I do see what they are trying to get at. Which why I'm not responding. But I'm still doubting my approach.

Flies in the face of my instincts!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I am a bit like you. Polite, desperate to be nice to people etc. So in your shoes I too would be itching to respond.

In practical terms, though, if he wanted to be nice he could have sent you a card or flowers or something a bit better than a text.

Ultimately you have to do what you feel comfortable with but in my view if you reply it should simply be to tell him that you would prefer he leave you alone. No histrionics. No telling him you are not OK. No telling him that you are not ready to be friends. 

Like someone else has said, it is not like he has said he has made a terrible mistake and wants to talk about it. Looks like he just wants to salve his conscience.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Climbing. 

It's good to know im not the only one who would struggle to not reply! Yes it is very hard when the natural instinct is one thing, and it's hard to know whether to go with it, or go against it. 

I want to feel good in future months that I handled this break up in a way I'm proud of. 

I agree, I will not do histrionics. That would not be good. 

I asked him not to contact me 'as friends' when he dumped me. After seeing me at work he contacted me because I was so obviously not being ok with him and it was really horrible situation, so I understand that reaction. 

It is double edged sword because actually, I secretly do want him to contact me....I know this is very sad to admit, but I keep hopefully checking my phone...but want do I even want him to say?? 

I don't know, but I know I'm not ready for him to put me down as a 'friend' and although I can't be sure, this is probably what his trying to achieve. Someone on TAM said 'don't let him demote you to friend' - I like that phrase and I am keeping it in my mind a lot.

I keep thinking all the replies I might make - none of them seem right and I certainly don't want to give any impression I'm ok.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If he is really burning to interact with you as friend, lover or chummy pal, he can approach you at the end of the work day and ask you go to go oit after work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> In practical terms, though, if he wanted to be nice he could have sent you a card or flowers or something a bit better than a text.


This is an excellent point. 

It underlines the principle, that we can judge a person's motives by their actions, rather than their words.

Texts, phone calls, pleasantries are empty and non-committal, when contrasted with his actions.

I would like to add something in response to ... well, I hope I'm not intruding ...! to this:

"I secretly do want him to contact me....I know this is very sad to admit, but I keep hopefully checking my phone."

I could always sense when a woman was more interested, and the response has always been, while still being a person of compassion and caring, to also be instinctively thinking "I have the advantage here" "what can she do for me?" and other base intentions.

I believe he is the same as I am. Yes, he cares, somewhat, but yes, he wants to take advantage of any weakness you show.

Do you know, it's just occurred to me. I once broke up with someone I was half-interested in, but kept her as a friend.
This was my actual intention. I just thought 'she's not really responding like she should, so I'm going to keep looking'.

So we became close again, but when the relationship was re-established, the power dynamic was grossly in my favour. She had revealed all her cards you see, and I hadn't. I must admit, I treated her pretty badly at times, like a child, and unfortunately for her, this only had the effect of increasing her attraction.

Unless you are a really submissive and meek type, you won't want to pursue this relationship renewal. You'll be always be the one scared to do anything wrong, and you'll sacrifice your hopes and wants to keep the relationship.

You must find a new person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I want him to want me, but he decided to dump me.


Best way to achieve that is to be unavailable.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

What a rubbish day at work.

Me steadfastly ignoring him, him steadfastly ignoring me.

This is a very difficult situation. Big strain and its very hard to concentrate at work. Tomorrow I will try and find a free private office to be my own.

Can't take much more! This would be so much better if I didn't sit 2 metres from the man.

All the comments here are on the money. I'm cracking....don't want to crack now....


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Hang in there. I hope you manage to get an office of your own. That would be great. Fingers crossed.

The fact that he steadfastly ignored you all day tells me that it is a good thing you did not respond to his text (I assume you didn't cave in?). If he really wanted to get back with you or try to make things right I would have thought he would have found a way to approach you at work.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I think I have probably put him off trying to make anything right 

First day back at work he tried to approach me and I just couldn't even hardly eye contact him. He phoned after work that day and left a voice message saying it was tough for him and he could see for me too and wanted to speak. I called back but he didn't answer. He then called me half an hour later but I didn't answer as I was now doubting what to say.

Then there was the happy birthday text to which I didn't reply. So I think I have ignored him so much, he is unlikely to try and approach me again.  this is where I believe I may have made a big mistake. The situation in the office for me now is pretty unbearable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> he is unlikely to try and approach me again.


Good. If he DOES approach you at all now, you will know it's because he really realizes he made a mistake. If you had made it too easy, even if you got back together, he would have had no respect for you and would have just done it again. Now, he knows he has to respect you, either way.

The office is only intolerable if you let it be that way. Have you called an IC?


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Sandfly: I don't think a relationship renewal is on the cards from his point of view. Mine, at the moment I love him, but I can see the point of view of the posters here 'lucky escape' and all that.

From what you say about when you drifted back into a relationship with a girl - the power balance was wrong because by then it was established that she was more into you than you cared about her....I can see how this would be the case.....

That said, do you think that there is ever a case for getting back together with a man who dumped you without looking like a 'door mat' - what (if anything) could a woman do to make sure you respected her after taking you back?? 

Perhaps the very act of going back signals weakness - but then, arent there are 'second chances' that come good? (although I admit, I don't personally know any examples!). I wonder how you would ever be 100% sure he wouldn't just dump you again at some point?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Marigold said:


> do you think that there is ever a case for getting back together with a man who dumped you without looking like a 'door mat' ?


Yeah, make him chase you! Make him earn you back! And if he won't, then he was just looking for comfortable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Marigold said:


> I think I have probably put him off trying to make anything right
> 
> First day back at work he tried to approach me and I just couldn't even hardly eye contact him. He phoned after work that day and left a voice message saying it was tough for him and he could see for me too and wanted to speak. I called back but he didn't answer. He then called me half an hour later but I didn't answer as I was now doubting what to say.
> 
> Then there was the happy birthday text to which I didn't reply. So I think I have ignored him so much, he is unlikely to try and approach me again.  this is where I believe I may have made a big mistake. The situation in the office for me now is pretty unbearable.


I understand that you want him to be miserable without you, but trust me when I say that you're better off NOT having any idea about this right now. 

The posting about power imbalance is right on the money. IF your relationship will ever be reestablished, you *do* want to have an equal relationship, not one that ends up being all about him because you're afraid of every misstep! 

He made the misstep. Let him feel the consequences of that, whether he thinks they are good or bad. If and when he comes back and wants to be with you, be prepared to set forth your deal-breakers and then make SURE you uphold them. If you have kept your word about no contact, he'll be much more likely to take you seriously. If you contact him and keep interacting, though, he'll know that your access to him is more important to you than whatever deal-breakers you name. Be very clear about what you want - a committed relationship - and that you will not accept being an "also ran." (As in the loser of a political election...)


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Kathy for your sound input - much appreciated, it gave me a pick up before work.

So today I continue....I passed him the corridor- I wanted to turn around to avoid but it was too late. He said good morning, I just about acknowledged it, but barely. This was natural response. 

That was it. Spent the rest of the day avoiding any contact with him which is very stressful because he sits pretty much opposite from me.

It is confirmed he will leave the office for a relocation and new position in the company at the end of the week. 

Thursday I will have to attend his leaving lunch. As nobody in the office even knows we were in a relationship, they don't know about the breakup so it is very difficult. I will try to work from home on Friday which is his last day because honestly, I can't do the last time I see him / final goodbye in the office in front of colleagues and keep it together when at the moment I can't even eye contact him without feeling like crying.

He hasn't tried to contact me since Sunday. I'm trying to stop checking phone. I have arranged to see friend on Friday night and Saturday evening for distraction. This hurts really bad.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

No reason to attend his leaving lunch. Just cry off sick. Good job he is going. Good luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just say you have an appointment at the time o that lunch.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe you can take two valium and go, look him in the eye at lunch, but don't say anything... naw, call in sick.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Ok so, his leaving lunch tomorrow....I'm in a dilemma.

If I go to work, I will have to attend the lunch, only way to avoid it is to call in sick in the morning and stay off work - which I could do. Still undecided....

For going: 
I look stronger and less weak to him, rather than 'hiding away'
I try not to become 'avoidant'
I perhaps have some kind of 'ending' to remember
Could look him in the eye and say nothing ( as per Longwalk) - which might help me take back control? 


Against going:
I may not be able to keep it together (would need to go off to bathroom- risk looking odd)
Risk of people realising something is 'wrong' with me
Causing myself unnecessary torture

Friday I will not go into work - I have decided already. Its not in questionI will not be subject to having to do a final goodbye to him in the middle of the office whilst nobody else has a clue that this the final goodbye of our relationship.

I have not contacted him throughout. I successfully avoided him at work today.

I am coming to realise that a lot of this 'non contact' is unfortunately not a strong, powerful decision on my part, but potentially just the fact I'm hurting and can't face him. I don't want to feel I'm running away, but I want to have the choice not to interact if its hurtful - perhaps I'm expecting too much - 2 weeks since breakup.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Marigold, the guy is a jerk. Call in both days and have fun with your friend Fri. night and Sat. And just thank your lucky stars he is leaving, and Mon. am you are free.

No more work relationships.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are suffering and I feel bad for you. 

What do you think of what Kathy said about working on yourself, really knowing what kind of guy is good, and what boundaries to set?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Should I contact my ex? Thoughts please!*



Sandfly said:


> Whatever you decide, please remember that most men can't read body language
> 
> So regardless of whether you act 'cool' or not, he'll go off what you say.
> 
> ...


Yep, that is what I learned last years. Body language, or vague hints don't work. Only clear wishes and questions are clear.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Call in sick. There will not be a good ending to remember at that lunch. At best you will ignore each other and at worse there will be some kind of uncomfortable interaction. If you don't want to waste a sick day on him then invent some vital errand at lunch time to avoid the party.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If you really can't call in sick both days, you could say something like, "We had a recent disagreement and I'd rather not interact with him." You aren't obligated to give details. It does not matter what HE thinks of you - he's now in your past. The only thing you have to do is uphold your relationships with other coworkers, and a simple, "I don't want to" IS a good enough reason to not attend his lunch - and you will not owe anyone any explanations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you 'have' to go? Why can't you just say 'Oh, sorry, I have an appointment at lunch today'?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you were super sure that you could pull it off, going to the lunch could be excellent. Smile. Say something nice, like "Oh, Martin or Doug or whatever his name, is we're all going to miss you so much." Then turn to the others and say, "aren't we guys?" And grin.

If you can do this and pretend you've gotten over him, his testicle will try to retreat back up into his body. He'll be crushed, unless he's a real player.

Turnera is right. In fact, eat pizza at your desk as they return. The snub wiil sting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> If you were super sure that you could pull it off, going to the lunch could be excellent. Smile. Say something nice, like "Oh, Martin or Doug or whatever his name, is we're all going to miss you so much." Then turn to the others and say, "aren't we guys?" And grin.


Giggle, giggle. I only wish Marigold were strong enough to pull this off. The look on his face . . .


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you for the really helpful replies....I took advice and called in sick. I will do the same tomorrow.

Climbing you are right - the lunch could not have been any sort of good ending, when I can't even speak to him or look him in the face yet. It would have been just more hurting for me.

Kathy, you are right in all the advice...I don't think it is helpful for me to know how he is feeling. Just letting him alone to feel either happy or sad he ended it is the only way forward.

I will have to start feeling better on my own and not depend on whether he may or may not ever call. If he feels better without me, then good for him. I hope I will start feeling that way soon too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You will, Marigold. Things can only get better! Chin up!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you!!!!! I appreciate it jld!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Well done, Marigold.

At least you can go into work on Monday and have some normality. Stay strong. Once he's out of your day to day life you will be able to grieve normally and start recovering.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Marigold said:


> I hope I will start feeling that way soon too.


You will. Start with being your own best friend. Treat yourself the way you wish a partner was treating you. Buy flowers, because you're worth it. Tell yourself to go ahead and use your best dishes even though you're eating alone. Just...do... it!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you for all the advice and help. 

I have had an up and down weekend - missing him still - but I am mentally preparing for work tomorrow. He won't be there anymore which is going to be very sad, because I feel like I've lost a good friend but also a big relief because the situation last week was so draining.

I would like to be able to process it now slowly in my own time. I haven't contacted him and keep reminding myself that whilst I'm still hurting this much, there's not much to be gained from it.

I will have to see him at a 3 day work conference in 2 weeks time, so I will hopefully be feeling less hurt my then??? Surely! I would lime to be able to at least have a nice time and not worry too much about him being there.

Thank you to everyone who has been advising....this has been so helpful to keep strong and not contact....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Think of him like cocaine. You just want to stay far away. And it will get easier.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When a woman cuts off all contact she may become more attractive. Someone who has moved on will not come back because the dumpee is pining for another chance.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Arrrrrggghhh - today was TOUGH! He has left the office but not the company, I didn't expect to see him today. 

I saw his cleared, empty desk and felt very sad. 

Then I saw him in the coffee shop by surprise but from behind, so I quickly positioned myself so I wouldn't be looking at him and so I cold pretend I never saw him. So I managed to totally avoid him without him thinking I saw him. 

This is so horrible. I don't want to feel like this, I just want to be able to look him in the face normally and at least say hello. But I just can't bring myself to. I think I'm still way too hurt. But I wish I could, it's so awkward and I want to handle myself more mature, not keep practically running away. I dont want to hide.

I would like to be braver and look him in the eye if the situation demands. I have nothing to be ashamed of and i know that. i feel silly that i feel for him and just feel now that he used me and I don't like it, but then on the other hand, I miss him. 

I would like to be able to stand my ground if he is around and not feel so hurt. That is my goal, I am not sure how to achieve it yet though  

potentially its just a question of time, or maybe, avoiding will just make it get worse and next time I happen to see him, I just need to look him square head on in the eye - but not even say anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To be able to do the things you say you want, you will need to work on your self esteem. With a healthy self esteem (in which you love yourself), you would have been steaming angry at him for dumping you the way he did, and you would have had NO PROBLEM making it clear at work to anyone interested how poorly he treated you.

Instead, you ran and hid at every opportunity. 

Do you see the difference?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He doesn't love you, Marigold. And the only guy you should be spending even mental energy on is a guy who loves you.

He will come. Be patient.

And everything you are feeling is normal, sigh. Sending you a hug.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you jld - what a great reply! It's good to remember this is all 'normal' feelings....sometimes just having that reassurance is so helpful....

Today was first day I haven't had a cry - i think probably cos I didn't see him - it makes such a difference! This could be progress! I know it's ups and downs though...

Also I have bought a nice sexy outfit for our Company event in 2 weeks time. He will be there. I wold like to be able to stand my ground, hold my emotions steady and feel good about me. That is my plan.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Crikey,

So many opportunities to bump into people at your company.

Two weeks is a good breathing space. I bet you're relieved.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Sandfly you are right.......this is getting beyond a joke......AGAIN i bump into him today in the coffee shop at work......WHAAAAATTT????!!!!

why? why? why? what incredibly bad timing!!!! this time i come face to face with him. i look at him and just walk on straight past. i'm angry now. i don't have good feelings towards him anymore. I feel stupid that he was the one persauded me on the relationship, i said clearly i didn't want anything if he was just messing, he insisted he wasn't. then he back tracked. He involved me when he didn't need to. I don't like him at the moment.

now i'm not feeling good about the company event in 2 weeks. It will be 3 days away and I don't want to see him at all. There is strong corelation between how I feel and seeing him. seeing him = feel bad, not seeing him = start to feel stronger.

he has used me. he is an idiot.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You made him feel bad today. Good job. Of course, it depends if he has a heart.

If you see him one on one, you can look him in the eye and say something like: "Why do you keep popping up? I can't stand looking at you. You're such a d!ckhead."

Your voice has to be level. Hot or icy are both ok, but under control. He'll run away every time he sees you. He may also fall in love with you. Good for his character development.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you found a therapist to go to?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Marigold said:


> Sandfly you are right.......this is getting beyond a joke......*AGAIN i bump into him today *in the coffee shop at work......WHAAAAATTT????!!!!
> 
> why? why? why? what incredibly bad timing!!!! this time i come face to face with him. * i look at him and just walk on straight past. i'm angry now.* i don't have good feelings towards him anymore. I feel stupid that he was the one persauded me on the relationship, i said clearly i didn't want anything if he was just messing, he insisted he wasn't. then he back tracked. He involved me when he didn't need to. I don't like him at the moment.
> 
> ...


I know huh! Bit of a co-incidence for him, isn't it... however!

I'm glad you did the second thing in bold. 

Anger is a positive thing Marigold. So many people suppress it, but it's the fuel for:

1- Courage
2- Killing competing emotions, such as 'loss', depression, longing
3- physical activity. It can really motivate you to start looking for a better job, or to put yourself forward in a competition, like a competitive presentation. You can use it to fuel weightlifting - I do.

When I lift weights I sometimes listen to death metal to get the blood boiling.  When it's cardio, then a sort-of.. factory music is better, like dance anthems - so in the second case, it's not anger, but another 'negative' emotion all the same, sort of panic to keep going, keep going - the 'flight' part of 'fight or flight'.

Emotions, meaning the chemicals your brain floods you with - hormones - are fuel. It is the body's only method of getting you to DO something. When we ignore them, they don't go away, they transform. Into e.g. that horrible 'emptiness' ... or forgetful zombie-like 'confusion' ... or 'frustration'. Or they transform into nail biting, tics, binging, smoking cravings - suppressed emotions are the precursor for stress, in other words.

Now the question becomes - how do you safely channel your emotions, allow yourself to feel them, without losing influence over your actions... this is something I've posted elsewhere in a thread by Conrad. But I'm not an expert on it, I just posted what I do to 'keep it together', and one always works at it, and gets better at it, but never 'perfect' at anything.

I think this fellow is a fool also. But it's about you now, not him. Forget thinking you have to change/influence or interact with him. You adjust yourself, and then the world will adjust to you. It's one of those 'illogical' magic tricks in life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am so glad to hear you are angry, Marigold. Good girl!

And yes, he is an idiot. And a user. And not worth a second of a wonderful woman's time.

Listen to Sandfly. Emotions are so important.


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