# What can cause hesitation towards sex (dating)?



## FF9!

Hello all. I don't know if this is the right forum for this question but I don't seem to have sufficient privileges to any others so this will have to do!

I’m 36, twice divorced. I’ve been seeing a woman for 3 months now. It’s the longest I’ve gone without having sex with a woman, but I like her enough to go along with it. We have only gone on about 5 dates that could have led to sex. The rest were shorter, daytime dates. I can tell that she definitely moves slower than some women. We had a date tonight and to me it felt like the right time to progress things. We had dinner at my house and things were going well. As soon as I touched a button on her shirt she froze and tensed up. I stopped immediately and tried to talk to her about it. She froze up, was a bit shaky, bit teary, and didn’t really say much. She said I didn’t do anything wrong and we called it a night. I have seen her in a bikini, so I don’t think it’s a body insecurity reason. She’s 31, never married, 2 kids. Last LTR was 5 years ago, her kids father. I met her at a gym and it took a few months of (mutual) flirting to get her to go on a date with me. She was hesitant. 

What am I dealing with? I have an idea in my head but would be interested in other opinions before I bring this up with her. I’m giving her some space for the rest of the night, and plan to talk to her tomorrow if I can see her in person.


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## EleGirl

You might want to ask her to have a talk with you about sex in a safe, public place.. but one that is not too crowded so there is privacy.

I get why she might not want to have sex too early in the relationship. But her reaction at this last date seems problematic.


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## EleGirl

Oh, I approved your above post so you should be able to post in other forums shortly.


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## arbitrator

*Ele's correct in assessing this!

It could well be most anything! And that means a discreet, open-minded, "Come to Jesus Meeting!"

And her answer will perhaps require some understanding on your part! But you will be the sole judge of its viability!*


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## Andy1001

It seems that you are going to have to be extremely patient in this situation.Whether the end result will be worth it is questionable.
Unless she has had some sort of traumatic episode in her life,her freezing when you touched her shirt button is a bad sign.And for a woman in her thirties who has two children it is really bad.
You say it took months of flirting before you persuaded her to go on a date and I wonder is she holding a candle for another man,her ex husband maybe?
Either way you are looking at a long time without sex if you continue to pursue her,if you are exclusive that is.To be honest,at thirty six I wouldn’t put in the effort.


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## uhtred

There are some people who do not like sex and it is possible she is one of them. If sex matters to you, you need to have this conversation because if that is the case here, it is very unlikely she will ever change.


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## WorkingWife

You're going to have to ask her. Could be a sexual trauma, could be a serious STD, could be any of the things others have said. Since she froze up and is so reserved about it, whatever it is, it's very big insider her head. I have an idea -- You might tell her your concerns and ask her if she could write you a letter explaining what she's going through if it's really hard for her to talk about it.


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## personofinterest

My first thought was possible CSA or a previous sexual assault. The freezing, trembling, tears....it all fits.

But that is just my deduction.


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## Bananapeel

I'd also wonder about physical or emotional sexual trauma in the past. If you're a "nice" guy you might be patient and try to work through that with her. However, I'd personally just stop dating her and put my time into finding someone that doesn't have those issues. It's a lot simpler for you and really it's up to her to address and face her problems rather than it being your job to guide her through it. I'd also like to point out that not only have you not had sex with her but you haven't even gotten to second base after multiple months. So, why are you spending your resources (time/money) on a woman that obviously isn't dating with the same intentions that you have?


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## FF9!

EleGirl said:


> You might want to ask her to have a talk with you about sex in a safe, public place.. but one that is not too crowded so there is privacy.
> 
> I get why she might not want to have sex too early in the relationship. But her reaction at this last date seems problematic.


Glad I asked because I wouldn’t have thought of this, but why should I talk to her in a semi-public place? I would think that if she has a personal reason for her reaction last night talking about it in public would be harder. I could be totally wrong. 

To me, 3 months and counting is a long time to wait for sex but I respect that she could have a different opinion. 



My main thought is sexual assault, which to my knowledge I have never personally dealt with. I don’t know if that’s something I’d want to deal with. I would feel like a **** for ending things because of that. I have never dealt with it, so I don’t know what to expect. I could be totally off base and sexual assault may not be the reason at all. She arranged a babysitter for tonight so we can talk about whatever it is. That says to me that this is something she wants to talk about and is taking it seriously. She hasn't used a babysitter for any of our dates. 

What is CSA? I’m Canadian and all that came up on google was Canadian Standards Association, and I’m guessing that’s not what’s being mentioned here. We have talked a bit about sex prior to last night and we are both STD free. An STD would be a deal breaker for me. Lying happens and that’s a possible reason for her reaction. 

I could tell from our first date that she moves slower than other women I have been with. Even before we dated I could tell that she was shy and nervous, but was interested. I feel like I have been patient thus far, and I don’t think I have ever made her feel pressured. I don’t want it to always be like this. I want to take that next step with her. I’ve been divorced twice and I don’t want to wait years to find out problems or incompatibles. To me, waiting 3 months is already a long time. I don’t know how much longer I’d want to wait. 

I don’t think she has remaining feelings for her ex. We have talked about ex’s, and what I know is: They were together for 7 years, they had an unplanned child, he kept putting off marriage/wouldn’t commit, he proposed around 6.5 years, they conceived their second child, he cheated and left her while pregnant. They have 50/50 custody but he chooses to take the kids periodically for a few hours at a time. She has mentioned that she only dates one person at a time, so I don’t think there is someone else in the picture that she is more interested in. 

I hope there is a different reason that won’t be a deal breaker. Her just not having an interest in sex would be a deal breaker. I’ve had enough unhappy relationships/marriages, I’m not making exceptions to things I know that I need. I’d say maybe she just wasn’t ready and moves slower, but I don’t know how much slower we can move. 

Someone asked why I’m wasting time and money on a woman who, after 3 months, won’t go past kissing. I have dated a lot in the last few years and I’ve met a lot of women who were time wasters for different reasons. She has captured enough of my attention and interest for me to not even having questioned our pace until recently. This has been the only negative so far. Every other box has been checked. I’m not going to wait forever. But if she takes things a little more slowly in the beginning and we last, I don’t think I will look back and regret waiting. I will be honest, I have never waited more than a month and never past the 3rd date. If sex didn’t happen I moved on. I will see how our conversation goes and take it from there.


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## personofinterest

CSA is child sexual abuse.

If you break up with her now, it would just be because you got tired of waiting and moved on. So there really is no reason to feel like crap. And even if she WAS assaulted, you have no obligation to stick around and help fix her. 

However, I would caution against some of the comments that imply that she is permanently damaged and no longer a fully formed functioning human. I cringe when I hear people basically say anyone with a challange that might take work isn't worth it so "next", lest you miss another good lay.

If you have or are developing real feelings for her, I would broach the subject and go from there. If you don't really see long term potential, there's no need to drege up anything. It is fine just to move on. We have this erroneous idea nowdays that if we take someone on more than 2 dates we "owe" them a relationship.

We actually don't.


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## EleGirl

FF9! said:


> Glad I asked because I wouldn’t have thought of this, but why should I talk to her in a semi-public place? I would think that if she has a personal reason for her reaction last night talking about it in public would be harder. I could be totally wrong.


Semi-public? Because it sounds like she does not feel safe. Public is usually safer than private.

Semi-public so that no one but you can hear what she has to say



FF9! said:


> To me, 3 months and counting is a long time to wait for sex but I respect that she could have a different opinion.


She clearly has a different opinion than you do. This is why communication is so important.. to get to know each other.




FF9! said:


> My main thought is sexual assault, which to my knowledge I have never personally dealt with. I don’t know if that’s something I’d want to deal with. I would feel like a **** for ending things because of that. I have never dealt with it, so I don’t know what to expect. I could be totally off base and sexual assault may not be the reason at all. She arranged a babysitter for tonight so we can talk about whatever it is. That says to me that this is something she wants to talk about and is taking it seriously. She hasn't used a babysitter for any of our dates.


It might be sexual assault.

Maybe she's concerned about yet another man walking out on her. She might be trying to get to know you before you have sex to protect herself emotionally. While you think that no sex after 3 months of dating is a long time, in the grand scheme of things, it a drop in the bucket. Today it seems that sex comes before even getting to know a person, getting to know if that person is a good person and a good match. The problem with that is that having sex causes one's brain to produce bonding hormones. Have sex too early can mean becoming attached/bonded to someone who is a very bad fit.

The bottom line is that you need to talk to her. We can guess at this all day long and still be wrong.



FF9! said:


> What is CSA?


Childhood sexual abuse



FF9! said:


> I’m Canadian and all that came up on google was Canadian Standards Association, and I’m guessing that’s not what’s being mentioned here. We have talked a bit about sex prior to last night and we are both STD free. An STD would be a deal breaker for me. Lying happens and that’s a possible reason for her reaction.
> 
> I could tell from our first date that she moves slower than other women I have been with. Even before we dated I could tell that she was shy and nervous, but was interested. I feel like I have been patient thus far, and I don’t think I have ever made her feel pressured. I don’t want it to always be like this. I want to take that next step with her. I’ve been divorced twice and I don’t want to wait years to find out problems or incompatibles. To me, waiting 3 months is already a long time. I don’t know how much longer I’d want to wait.
> 
> I don’t think she has remaining feelings for her ex. We have talked about ex’s, and what I know is: They were together for 7 years, they had an unplanned child, he kept putting off marriage/wouldn’t commit, he proposed around 6.5 years, they conceived their second child, he cheated and left her while pregnant. They have 50/50 custody but he chooses to take the kids periodically for a few hours at a time. She has mentioned that she only dates one person at a time, so I don’t think there is someone else in the picture that she is more interested in.
> 
> I hope there is a different reason that won’t be a deal breaker. Her just not having an interest in sex would be a deal breaker. I’ve had enough unhappy relationships/marriages, I’m not making exceptions to things I know that I need. I’d say maybe she just wasn’t ready and moves slower, but I don’t know how much slower we can move.
> 
> Someone asked why I’m wasting time and money on a woman who, after 3 months, won’t go past kissing. I have dated a lot in the last few years and I’ve met a lot of women who were time wasters for different reasons. She has captured enough of my attention and interest for me to not even having questioned our pace until recently. This has been the only negative so far. Every other box has been checked. I’m not going to wait forever. But if she takes things a little more slowly in the beginning and we last, I don’t think I will look back and regret waiting. I will be honest, I have never waited more than a month and never past the 3rd date. If sex didn’t happen I moved on. I will see how our conversation goes and take it from there.


It will be interesting to see.

Have you ever mentioned to her your 3 date and sex rule?


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## SunCMars

She is 31, has two children.

She knows what sexual intimacy is. 

I suspect her husband left her and cheated on her because she is not very interested in sex. 

Many men cheat while their wives are pregnant. They cannot wait the seven to ten months without sex.:frown2:

She may have major doubts about men in general; thinking all they want is sex.

You met her at the gym. She was trying to get herself in good shape.
She flirted.
All good signs.

She may not have dated you right away because she was seeing someone else.
Or, she is picky. 

Picky is good.

Come right out and tell her that you have deep feelings for her and that you want to make love to her.

Don't say this if it is not true, that you merely 'like' her and really just want to get in her pants.

Not that wanting to get in her pants is wrong. You have dated long enough.

This is the only way a man or a women can determine if the other is worthy of intimacy [in their own mind].

Dating is a dance. You cannot leave out steps. 
To do so, stops the rhythm, stops the music.

Stops the dating.



The Typist-


She may not have responded to your first requests to go out because she was seeing someone else.


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## sunsetmist

FF9! said:


> She arranged a babysitter for tonight so we can talk about whatever it is. That says to me that this is something she wants to talk about and is taking it seriously. She hasn't used a babysitter for any of our dates.


So how did your talk last night go?


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## BluesPower

Short of CSA or some other sexual trauma, and hoping that she just does not like sex...

Otherwise I would say that she is just not that into you. 

You def need to have a talk with her if you really like, like yesterday.

For what it is worth, I have a 2 date rule, works for me. 

My GF, on our first date said she had a 90 day rule. After I literally got up off the floor laughing I said OK. 

Call me in 90 days if you want, good night. 

Guess I was worth it, I was at her place the next night.


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## jlg07

@FF9!, so did you have the discussion to find out what the issues are?


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## FF9!

Her answer was sort of what I expected, and also not at all. She said there has been some sort of sexual trauma in her life but didn’t go into anymore detail than that. The only question of mine that she answered regarding that was that it wasn’t recent and predated her ex/father of her kids. So 12+ years ago, making her 19 or younger. My first thought with her reaction was sexual assault, which like I said I have never dealt with and feel uncertain about. 

The other half of the equation was that she hasn’t had sex since her ex, which was 5 years ago. She has dated since their breakup, but hasn’t had sex with anyone. She said she doesn’t just “hand it out” and it’s hard because culture today has a very different opinion. On our date she got nervous and didn’t feel ready. She also wanted to be able to spend the night with me after sex, and wouldn’t have been able to because it was a weekday. 

I’m going to be honest, and I’m not putting a lot of thought into how I’m wording this so I may come off as an *******. We spent Saturday together, including spending the night together and had sex. She was nervous, but not to the point of stopping. The only one who had “problems” was me. I feel like I shouldn’t have done it because I’m so unsure at this point. She was nervous, and there was some (normal) things that she was very clear that she doesn’t like, but it’s not like she withheld sex. But do I want a relationship in which I will always have to be conscious of what I cannot do because it will bring up a trauma that she had at some point in her life. Are there going to be normal, expected things that she will never want/be able to do that I’m going to regret. Am I always going to wonder if she’s okay during sex. Can I have a healthy, normal sex life with someone who has had a sexual trauma. She hasn’t had sex in 5 years. She has dated quite a bit but only chose me to have sex with, now I feel like I couldn’t end things even if I wanted to. She was extremely tight and the penetration lasted a whopping 5-10 seconds because of it. I couldn’t last because of how tight it was. Is she always going to be like that. Duration has never been a problem for me. I never thought I’d say a woman felt “too good”. I can’t believe I’m saying that on the internet. Her ex spent 7 years with her, fathered kids, wouldn't marry her, cheated and left, is all this the reason why.

I like everything else about her, and I’m still not sure if this is a deal breaker or not. Since my last divorce I have said that I wouldn’t get involved with a woman with any issues or complications. I wanted an “easy” relationship, which I know doesn't exist. Is sexual assault something that will always be in the background of the relationship?


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## sunsetmist

You are going to have to know more details about her sexual trauma, her treatment, has this been a problem in the past, etc. to know how she is affected. Talking about this may stir-up angst in her.

Her partner cheating and leaving is also a factor. She must trust you to have proceeded on Saturday, leaves you in a quandary doesn't it?

You knew before Saturday that she wasn't 'easy,' yet you proceeded to have sex. You both agreed/planned to have sex. Initial sex in a situation like this can have hidden challenges for both participants. Hope y'all are able to communicate to work together now.


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## Personal

@FF9! IF you're fine with not ever having much of a sex life then do stay with her, otherwise you would do very well to walk away.


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## Adelais

FF9! said:


> I’m going to be honest, and I’m not putting a lot of thought into how I’m wording this so I may come off as an *******. We spent Saturday together, including spending the night together and had sex. She was nervous, but not to the point of stopping. The only one who had “problems” was me. I feel like I shouldn’t have done it because I’m so unsure at this point. She was nervous, and there was some (normal) things that she was very clear that she doesn’t like, but it’s not like she withheld sex. But do I want a relationship in which I will always have to be conscious of what I cannot do because it will bring up a trauma that she had at some point in her life. Are there going to be normal, expected things that she will never want/be able to do that I’m going to regret. Am I always going to wonder if she’s okay during sex. Can I have a healthy, normal sex life with someone who has had a sexual trauma. She hasn’t had sex in 5 years. She has dated quite a bit but only chose me to have sex with, now I feel like I couldn’t end things even if I wanted to. *She was extremely tight and the penetration lasted a whopping 5-10 seconds because of it. I couldn’t last because of how tight it was. Is she always going to be like that. Duration has never been a problem for me. I never thought I’d say a woman felt “too good”. *I can’t believe I’m saying that on the internet. Her ex spent 7 years with her, fathered kids, wouldn't marry her, cheated and left, is all this the reason why.
> 
> I like everything else about her, and I’m still not sure if this is a deal breaker or not. Since my last divorce I have said that I wouldn’t get involved with a woman with any issues or complications. I wanted an “easy” relationship, which I know doesn't exist. Is sexual assault something that will always be in the background of the relationship?


Let us say this another way from her perspective: "He only lasted for 5-10 seconds. Am I going to have to suffer with his PE for the rest of my life if the relationship lasts?"

She told you that she has 2 children and hasn't had sex for 5 years because she doesn't just give it away. Rather than appreciate that she takes good care of her children and she puts her children and her own self respect over banging men, you ridicule here for it.

Really, do her and yourself a favor, and break up with her. You have completely different values, and you already don't appreciate or respect her.


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## happy as a clam

The answer to all your questions: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, etc.

Yes, the trauma will always be an issue, yes you will have regrets if you stick with this, yes that’s probably why she’s divorced, yes you will always worry about what you “can and cannot” do, yes it’s weird.

Yes, you should cut and run.


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## arbitrator

*First off, I can fairly accurately tell how things are going to be simply by the precursory events that lead up to sex, such as flirtacious actions, eye contact, physical contact, and by "couch kissing" or making out!

Unless things have duly changed over the years, if the presex kissing got very mutually heated and physical, then you could reasonably ascertain "the law of logical progression." If she's receptive, then it's a good sign; if however she is not, or I sense any sign of nervousness or apprehension on her part, maybe it's just me, but I ain't going there! I don't want to go somewhere where my presence is not appreciated or wanted!

Since she's gone this far with you, I believe that she owes you a full detailed explanation of where her problems are!

Perhaps she hasn't fully emotionally healed before trying to open herself up to love once again! Until such time that she can forthrightly convey that to you, sex would totally be off the table, as far as I was concerned!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## JustTheWife

Everyone is different so it's hard to say how she's dealing with her trauma. I've had some bad encounters and I still enjoy sex so you can't say that that it's always a big problem with sex. Anyway, trauma in the past or not, sex can be complicated for people including men. I'm not so sure about her saying that she doesn't just "give it away". I guess some people look at it that way but normally it's seen as something that's shared with mutual enjoyment. That may be a result of the abuse. But either way if she sees it always as her giving it away (or not) then I think that attitude might not be compatible with how you see things.

You may not have meant it like this but you sounded like you were blaming her for being too tight and making you perform bad. I don't think that really counts as having sex if it was only 5-10 seconds. Just curious about how you dealt with that with her. Did you make it her fault to her? That's a difficult one because if she decided to have sex after so many years and it's not something that she does easily, then having it go like that is not good. 5-10 seconds might really turn her off to begin with but if you made it her fault then that could be the end.

This doesn't seem like it's going to work.


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## BluesPower

Personal said:


> @FF9! IF you're fine with not ever having much of a sex life then do stay with her, otherwise you would do very well to walk away.


Amen Brother, amen... 

Listen OP, she may be a nice girl, and even special. But unless you really want a low probably super low sex life filled with pain for you and her... I recommend that you end this. 

I am sorry for her, I think what ever happened to her is horrible. I don't know what the LIST is, but dude, that is a bad starting place to start a sexual relationship.

I think you are going to have to talk to her and you frankly need to push for details. You need to explain that you need to know what you are actually dealing with. Otherwise you have no way to deal with it and understand it. 

If you don't want to put in the time, as much as I hate to say it, it might be time to run but be honest and tell her. 

And think about this, her Ex cheating, do you think that had anything with her trauma and her views on Sex???


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## aine

Many things

1. CSA
2. Not ready to have sex with you until you seem committed
3. She's become a born again Christian
4. She's set a timeline for herself before she will have sex and you are speeding it up, which makes her uncomfortable

Why don't you just ask her about it? Then tell us


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