# Caution: Out and Out Pity Party



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. He's coming by to get the rest of his things. He used to write me poetry for my birthday. Now, he's erasing me out of his life. I won't be here. I can't see him. The pain and humiliation is too much. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard right now, but I am feeling a range of emotions and I am not proud of some of my thoughts.

It is unfair that he is so happy with the OW and I am left in the dust, miserable. He's been eleven months now with her and he has been so much more active and involved in their relationship than he ever was with me in our entire fifteen years. Isn't she supposed to be the quick affair, the rebound? Isn't the romantic stage supposed to have ended by now? Over the course of time, I have discovered that he has been taking her on trips, going to festivals, romantic strolls around town, wining and dining, buying her bouquets of flowers, even skydiving. When we were together, he never initiated these things or even showed an interest.

I know I am far from perfect and I am sure I did many things wrong in our relationship. I suffer from lifelong depression so I am aware that would put a damper on things. Plus, money was an issue- we had so many responsibilities, ones that we created for ourselves. I feel so stupid. I lived a life with him, for him, that I thought he wanted. We did what we thought was expected- work towards the goals of getting a career, house, family, etc. Suddenly, without discussing it with me his mind and plans have changed. 

He's living with her, probably rent free. He makes $100 or more a day doing landscape work and doesn't have to spend it on anything but a good time. He was always so irresponsible about paying bills. Somehow, things always seem to work out for him. I guess he's getting the lifestyle he really wants. I've always been told that I am a serious person. Perhaps I am just not fun enough for him. 

We met and begin a committed relationship when we were both young and inexperienced. I can't help but entertain the idea that I was the trial run. When we first met, he was 300 lbs and had little luck with women. He was a boy. I loved him, supported him emotionally and financially, and I suppose gave him the confidence that he lacked. Now, he's trim, tanned, and more self-assured. I know I am not completely responsible for the man he is now, but I did have some influence and now that b*tch of a wh*re is reaping the benefits. 

I was there for him always. When his mother had a stroke, who helped to take care of her? Who patiently and lovingly stood by when the sh*t hit the fan? Who stayed in crap jobs to keep us going when he couldn't keep one for a month at a time simply because he would get pissed at his employer or just plain not like it? Who supported his "business" ideas? Who helped put him through school, going even as far to take some of the on-line classes for him so that he could graduate early? Only when it was my turn to go back to school, he walks out. I did it all out of love and now I feel like a world class loser. I feel so used. Used up.

Early in the separation, I did something so awful. I managed to get onto his email account and read an email he wrote the OW. He was trying to explain to her that he didn't leave me because I was depressed (which I don't believe), but that my depression only "masked" the fact that the chemistry was gone a long time ago. That it kept us from "recognizing the truth". For nine to ten years according to him. This is news to me. He said that we only managed and maintained, falling into roles. If this is truly how he felt, why couldn't he share this with me? 

When he left me, he said that it wasn't me (old line), but that he's changed (whatever that means). No other explanation, no heart felt talks, no answers to my many questions. I can't help but feel worthless and unlovable. I don't know if I will ever find love again- or even if I ever truly had it. He's got me questioning the validity of everything. Was it real or only in my head? 

He's f*cking her and the thought of it cuts me like a knife. He's sharing little intimacies and being his romantic self with her and the thought is crushing. Not that I would ever act on them, but I do from time to time have revenge fantasies where I do something violent to them so that they can feel some of the pain I do. I am a pacifist so these ideas scare me.

We are over- I know this now. So, what he does and with whom shouldn't matter anymore, but it does.

It's the injustice that eats at me. I just don't know if I believe anymore that there is anything fair in this world. It's just a fairytale that we are fed as children. I'm not sure if I believe in karma anymore. What goes around, comes around? Well, where is mine? I've made it my life to be good and faithful, kind and charitable. So far, I've had an abusive childhood, fair-weather friends, and now this. I've worked my fingers to the bone, and here I am eating ramen noodles for dinner. I suppose I should be grateful I have a dinner. To be the "good girl" is so ingrained in me I feel guilt for even thinking these things which makes these rants less satisfying. 

I am so lonely and scared for what is to come. Got off the phone with my sister earlier and she suggested I make a fresh start. Move to a new town, create a new life. I don't know if I have the courage to do this. I don't know how to meet new people- I lack the skills. I see people around that have a zest for life. I'm afraid I never did and I long to be that person who can find joy and excitement out of things. I am just "maintaining", I guess. Life is just passing me by and now I have to do it alone. 

I know it is detrimental to my mental health, but old habits are hard to break... I tell myself I am pathetic and believe it. Or do I believe it because it's true? 

Yes, I'm whining. I'm holding a pity party, yet I can't hold it in. I feel so betrayed and let down. I made the mistake of viewing life in a certain way and now the illusion is crashing down. I thought if I worked hard enough, sacrificed, invested my heart and soul that good things would follow. It hasn't happened so far. 

So many of you have given me good solid advice, yet I find it a struggle everyday to follow them. As I am sure you all can relate, some days are better than others. Sometimes I find the stamina to go out for a walk and work through the pain, other times I succumb and fall into miserable heap on the floor. Right now, I am opting to pour it all out into words, inarticulate as it may be.

Perhaps I shouldn't be putting this out into the universe, but I can't help the way I feel right now. The good people on this board need encouragement and light. Not darkness and gloom. Yet, that is where I am. Perhaps tomorrow I will feel differently. Perhaps, when I see my family for my birthday, I will feel love and warmth again no matter how short-lived.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

happy early birthday, thats what tam is for, when i'm broken inside i post & post & it's the encouraging words i recieve that helps, please always post on here, i also had a bad day & pray tomorrow is better, tomorrow is your special day & has nothing to do with him, screw him & posow


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Happy Birthday, BronteVillette! We are here for you. Though not all of us are in exact situation, we are all wounded and we feel your pain. Regarding the karma, life is a long journey. You never know when his action of today will bite him later. The best revenge is to live your own good life. I know it's hard to do now. It is for me as well. But you have gone through so much and you deserve to move on and focus on yourself. He will learn his lesson one day that he can't just run away from problems like this. Perhaps, not today or not this year. But one day....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm pretty sure that there is no rule saying your birthday party theme can't be pity, so party on! Let it out, and let us take it for you. 

You are at a really low point, and I'm sure it hurts even worse than your words suggest (and you write really well, so that's saying something). 

This year, don't make a birthday wish--make a birthday promise, to yourself. Promise yourself that tomorrow, and each day thereafter for the whole year, you will do one thing different. Maybe it will be doing something nice for yourself that you do not normally do, or maybe it will just be changing up a routine for an instant. So tomorrow, when you get up, go to the window and open the curtains, and let yourself just look at the beauty around you. Say out loud, "what a magical place God has created!" That's it; that's all you need to do for tomorrow. 

But start now generating a list of things to do differently beginning on day 2 of your 39th year (when you turn 38, you are staring your 39th year b/c you have finished your 38th year). Put 10 things on it, for the 10 days after tomorrow--and add to the list as you think of things. Make a few of them big and bold, things you can't imagine actually doing--don't try them until you are ready. You don't have to do them in the order you think of them, just write them down and cross them off as you do them.

Come back here tomorrow and share your list; maybe we will have some ideas for you.

And happy birthday. I love the pity theme--it's totally different and very unique! See, you can come up with some pretty cool things. 

Hugs!


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Still feeling for the most part hopeless, but I will give it a try.

Things to do for ME
1. Buy myself flowers.
2. Paint a beautiful picture or learn photography
3. Kayak, surf, or something adventurous so that I feel alive
4. Take a leisurely bubble bath with music, candles, and a good book
5. Travel to Europe and just roam
6. Find the courage to approach some interesting people and create friendships
7. Go back to school 
8. Do something out of the box for me, like get a tattoo
9. Really get into exercise and get a smokin' hot bod
10. Wake up in the morning and not have him be my first thought

Any other ideas? What would you do?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

happy birthday sweetie! look at this as the begining of your new life, the next chapter. a vacation or girls weekend can be very helpful. treat yourself to a spa day.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

BronteVillette said:


> Still feeling for the most part hopeless, but I will give it a try.
> 
> Things to do for ME
> 1. Buy myself flowers.
> ...


I celebrated my birthday this year without him. I bought myself a cake and took a leisurely bath.

I need to do number 6, 9, 10.
Thank you for the party. I feel the same way sometimes. You are not by yourself.

Happy Birthday!


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

BronteVillette said:


> Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. He's coming by to get the rest of his things. He used to write me poetry for my birthday. Now, he's erasing me out of his life. I won't be here. I can't see him. The pain and humiliation is too much. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard right now, but I am feeling a range of emotions and I am not proud of some of my thoughts.
> 
> It is unfair that he is so happy with the OW and I am left in the dust, miserable. He's been eleven months now with her and he has been so much more active and involved in their relationship than he ever was with me in our entire fifteen years. Isn't she supposed to be the quick affair, the rebound? Isn't the romantic stage supposed to have ended by now? Over the course of time, I have discovered that he has been taking her on trips, going to festivals, romantic strolls around town, wining and dining, buying her bouquets of flowers, even skydiving. When we were together, he never initiated these things or even showed an interest.
> 
> ...


First off, happy early birthday. I hope it's a good day for you.

I can't believe how similar our stories are, everything that you talked about is exactly what I'm going through right now. I'm not sure about a PA with an OW, but I believe there is, at the very least, another cyber-fling going on and it crushes my heart even more than it's already been crushed. The thought of him talking to her, sharing things with her and telling her that he loves her. He denies it when I ask him, but I just have a feeling. I too have thought about revenge and it sickens me that I can think like that, it's actually scary. I feel so weak emotionally that I get all kinds of awful thoughts; everything from just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up to things that I could do to expose them (but what good would that do other than to piss him off, and he's pretty much holding all the cards right now).

We (me and the kids) usually see him a few times a week and we haven't this week so it makes me feel like he's pulling away even more. Sometimes I feel really good when he's around because I think "well, if we can't be married at least having him around in some capacity is better than none at all". Then sometimes when he's here I just want him to leave because he can be so short and mean with everyone, but then when he leaves and I don't see him I feel horrible. I'm so all over the place. Just today I was posting that I felt like I had had a break through of sorts, but I've been doing nothing but crying all week. This emotional roller coaster is more than I can take anymore. I feel helpless, hopeless, lonely, scared, sad, a little angry, jealous. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post. I just wanted to tell you that you're so not alone in how you're feeling right now. What makes this all so much worse is that I have no friends or family here. I just wish I could crawl into my moms lap and have her make it all ok like when I was little.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Happy Birthday!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Bronte, my story is much like yours...I supported my stbxh emotionally, financially, you name it...in return he treated me like crap. Left me with a ton of debt and bills. He is living in some alternate reality. Rewriting history. We have both avoided each other for the last three months, and even though it has made my life harder in some ways (can't get his signature to get off my apartment lease, wouldn't return things of mine, etc.) it has been a huge help emotionally. Please know that the longer you can go without talking to or seeing him, the better you will feel. The fallout of our situations cause enough stress; thinking about him with the posOW is not what you need right now! Family and friends (who I talk to more than I see as they all have kids) are my saving grace. You have to force yourself to go out to meetups and activities on your own to meet new people. Even if friendships take time to form, and they will, you will feel alive again just being out in society again. It may not feel like fun at first but the payoff is worthwhile. I still force myself when I feel lazy or tired...I always feel normal again afterward. I think very little about what my stbxh is doing. I just throw out those thoughts. They are not constructive, and you don't have enough energy to commit to him now -- use it on yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

What do you want to study in school?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks for the warm birthday wishes! 

Spent a good part of my birthday today with the family. My STBXH was not far from my thoughts, but the family did their best to try and keep me occupied. Even though they can't fully understand what I am going through, I am grateful they are here. You all _do_ know what I am going through and I don't know where I'd be now without the support of TAM! 

It is so scary to think of the mountainous task of rebuilding my life on my own. I feel so ill-equipped and not completely up to the task, especially with the crippling emotions that sabotage me along the way. I try to keep reminding myself that this is a journey and change won't happen overnight. However, self-doubt has a way of creeping in. I find sometimes it helps to read and reread the posts and replies here to garner strength and toughen my resolve. 

I haven't found the courage to really put myself out there yet. I am afraid that I will just come across as a downer. Awhile back, I went to the park to enjoy the sunshine and people watch- anything to get out of the apartment. A man walked by and asked me if I was okay. He said I looked really sad. Ugh. I hadn't really realized until that point how I might be coming across to people in public. I thought I was putting on a brave face. So much for that!


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Bronte,

It may sound a little extreme, but have you considered moving across country or to a new state, or even to a new city? It sounds like there aren't very many job opportunities where you are now.

I moved from a rural state to one of the largest cities in the country and started graduate school. Still depressed over the divorce. Still in grief. Chances of awkward run-ins with STBXH and his OW? 0%.

You deserve so much more in life, my friend. I empathize on the birthday thing too...had mine few weeks ago. Very generic text message from STBXH "Happy Birthday" my response "thanks, I miss you" his response? there wasn't one.

Move away to a new area if you can, go back to school, re-set. Your ex doesn't define you.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Sad, my sister suggested the very same thing. I think you may both be right. Besides family, there is nothing here for me. It is a dead end. I can't keep looking out of the corner of my eye expecting to see _them_. I'm always on edge.

Before the separation, I worked as a teacher's aide in a special ed elementary classroom and for the most part I loved it! I was considering going back to school to be a certified teacher. 

Again though, finding the courage to stand on my own two feet is daunting. I'm prone to anxiety and fear of the unknown. I guess it's about time to be a big girl.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Bronte,

We are birds of a feather, I am studying to become a teacher  (plus, earning MA in education). Go for your teaching license. I'm sure you have seen the pay scale for teacher's aides, it barely sustains the cost of living. Teachers don't make millions either, but they definately earn a livable wage. I love kids and don't see myself doing anything else for a living (except being a writer... I'm gunna do both).

Where would you re-locate? To a new city, or a new state?

I have a feeling moving could be a VERY good thing for you, Bronte. You truly don't deserve the awkward run-ins with OW. Plus, if you move away, it will make STBXH miss you and want to reconcile with you even more once you are away from him, in a cool city or town, new job, not speaking with him, it will make him wonder and eventually try and re-concile...sounds fu*ked up, but that's how it works...they always want you when you are distant and far away. Become a mystery to STBXH. The mystery will intrigue him. 

Most affair partners are such losers too. I am much more attractive than STBXH's OW. Affair partners are all about "fantasy", and even if they are attractive, they have questionable morals and judgement. They say only about 3% of relationships born out of an affair last.

I moved here (2 states away and to a very large urban area) mid-June when everything fell to sh*t and STBXH bought the condo. I'm very thankful to be in school right now, it gives me a lot of structure. Granted, I don't have much money. The apt. I'm moving into is super small. I don't care. I'm in school. No chance of any awkward run-ins with STBXH, that's pretty much all I can ask for right now. 

I took a leap of faith and moved here without a job lined up (hoping to get one soon).

Honestly, moving away doesn't magically cure anything. But it solves the problem of awkward run-ins and you won't constantly being surrounded by "his world" (OW run-ins, places you went together, etc). Plus, moving away forces you to see what he did (cheat,start dating OW, play mind games). 

Since I live so far away from STBXH now, I am starting see so clearly now what he did (bought me out of our condo and took me off mortgage, fell in love with someone else and never told me, and he chose to file for divorce). If I lived closer to him, I'd be tainted by this perspective of needing/wanting to talk with him. The thought of speaking with him actually makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. This isn't to say I don't miss him or ever want to reconcile, but I see clearly now what he did and I don't think I'd see it like this if we still lived in the same town.


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