# Feeling I made a mistake marrying HIM... is this feeling so wrong?



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Hello, I have been married 15 years, dated 5 and thought my marriage endured it all... I got pregnant before we were married and through the struggles of two 25 yo's, we made it somehow. 

Now, I feel we have drifted further and further apart. We no longer connect the way we used to. Every conversation becomes and argument.... and argument a fight! 

I lay next to him at night, while he slumps over facing the other direction, no more than a simple goodnight. I've cried myself to sleep many a night wondering why this is? How did this happen? Some days it is so bad, that I begin to resent why I am even with him. 

Feel alone, without actually being alone. He's lost interest in things that made me happy... nor does he care. I cannot finish any conversation without him glazing over in disinterest.... He is not cheating on me, I know this.... just seems like we drifted apart and all that is left are two very different people.

Was I far too young then to have seen this? After having children, is this right for me to even question? I am so confused and so alone... need any words of wisdom on this please.....:scratchhead: I don' t know what is the right way to approach this any further.
Each day is a struggle to even remotely connect...most days are wasted in front of TV's and computers to pass the time...


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## Tootles33 (Mar 22, 2011)

TVs and computers are so bad for relationships. The ipad and iphone are killing mine! You poor thing. I don't have advice sorry, but good luck!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I think we all have times in our lives that we feel we made a mistake in a major choice & felt we went down the wrong road.

I think that's normal, to second guess and ask "what if". It doesn't always make me feel proud that I've thought that... but, wth I'm human.

I think some of us have gone down a certain road for so long... we worry that we can't find our way back to our old selves. We feel we will get lost trying to find the other road.... Sometimes we feel we've just gotten lost on the road we chose.

Until I see the light shining my path.. sometimes I'm scared to even move forward (or backward) on the path that I'm on. I want to scream out to have someone bring me a light so I don't feel so alone & cold.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I feel for you.

First, do not dismiss the good and satisfying times you have had together: those should not be viewed as mistakes.

Second, there was a useful topic about what to do together without it costing a dime. It may sound simplistic and it won't solve all your problems but sometimes reconnecting can be as simple as taking a walk together - works for my wife and I . . . _sometimes_. :scratchhead:


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm going to hard code this somewhere so I can just cut and paste any time it comes up:

Your husband may not know how bad it is, believe it or not. I had no idea I had pushed my wife away to the point where she left the marriage emotionally until I tried to fix 8 years or more of no sex or intimacy. When I finally dragged it out of her that all of the problems we were having were MY FAULT, it DEVASTATED ME!!! People don't change? I know for a fact that's not true. I changed OVERNIGHT!. Unfortunately for me it was too late. My wife had already checked out YEARS prior and wasn't coming back. 

Scare him straight! It worked for me. It may work for him. Pack a bag. Leave him a note and tell him why you left. Tell him that as soon as he is willing to work on your problems, you will come back. And it can't be a bluff. You have to be ready to leave him. You can't live that way for the rest of your life. You're young. You can start over.

And I don't cry myself to sleep, but I die a little more every night when she comes to bed long after me (TV addict), lays down next to me, and turns her back with barely a good-night. Driving home the point, EVERY NIGHT, that crap TV is more important to her than my happiness. I almost said OUR happiness, but she seems OK with it.

Good luck. Don't be me (or my wife). Get out of your unhappy marriage while you're still young.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi Savannah.
What do you exactly want from your relationship with your husband? Do you want to work on it or let it go? Before taking any action you need to know what you want. You need to have a clear mind. What would be the benefits of staying with him? How can I make it work? How can WE make it work? To have the flame back, the butterflies feelings, motivation and commitment need to be there. How committed are you to your relationship? Your marriage may not be ideal right now, but how would an ideal marriage looks like? How can you get to that?
Any choice you choose will be good. Just believe yourself and take action. Sitting still won't get you anywhere.
You will find a solution; I know you will.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

I feel like that. We have been together 6 years and it is very hard to get thru. I hope some advice in here can help us.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

growtogether said:


> Hi Savannah.
> What do you exactly want from your relationship with your husband? Do you want to work on it or let it go? Before taking any action you need to know what you want. You need to have a clear mind. What would be the benefits of staying with him? How can I make it work? How can WE make it work? To have the flame back, the butterflies feelings, motivation and commitment need to be there. How committed are you to your relationship? Your marriage may not be ideal right now, but how would an ideal marriage looks like? How can you get to that?
> Any choice you choose will be good. Just believe yourself and take action. Sitting still won't get you anywhere.
> You will find a solution; I know you will.


:iagree: although the flames and butterflies may never comeback would the hope of a common ground be enough ?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

With the way your husband treats you, I'm saying its best to pack up and leave. You do not deserve to be disrespected in that way for so many years. It's got to be exhausting. Start doing things that you enjoy. Find a hobby that makes you feel good. You deserve respect and to be happy.

I remember every single night with my ex ended up with a blow out argument. My ex makes it a point to make everyone around him miserable. He has no respect for any woman. I'm not sure if this is part of his BPD or if there's more mental illness on his part.

I had family to fall back on, I moved back into my parents house and started back in college. Moving out was the best thing I did for my daughter and I. We no longer had to deal with such an angry person. I got my life back. He was still trying to control my life, but it never worked. My ex was cheating though, his gf moved in 3 days after I left. I found out shortly after that, he had several gf's and was a major serial cheater. 

Do you have family or a friend that can help you get back on your feet? I do wish you the best of luck with whatever happens. It's unlikely your husband will change, plus there's a lot of damage he's done to the family. My ex got worse over the years. It's 17 years since I left and I'm amazed how much more angry he is. It's ridiculous. His normal tone is screaming at the top of his lungs.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Savannah, I have read all of your posts and have taken a personal interest in your situation since we are in the same boat on some levels. 

You sound so sad, so miserable, all of your posts are heartbreaking. I think deep in your heart, you know what you want to do. You know he will never change. Please start making yourself happy because no one can do that for you. 

Answer your own question. Did you make a mistake by marrying this man? From your posts, I would say the answer is YES, but you need to come to that conclusion. I hope getting all of your feelings out using this forum has helped you come to grips with where you are in life and what you really want. What you DESERVE. Wanting to be happy is not a huge request. You are not being selfish.

You know what you need to do Savannah, and you will do what is right when you are ready and not a moment before. My prayers are with you and keep venting in this forum. We are here for you.


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## Mstonie (Mar 25, 2012)

savannah said:


> Hello, I have been married 15 years, dated 5 and thought my marriage endured it all... I got pregnant before we were married and through the struggles of two 25 yo's, we made it somehow.
> 
> Now, I feel we have drifted further and further apart. We no longer connect the way we used to. Every conversation becomes and argument.... and argument a fight!
> 
> ...


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

growtogether said:


> Hi Savannah.
> What do you exactly want from your relationship with your husband? Do you want to work on it or let it go? Before taking any action you need to know what you want. You need to have a clear mind. What would be the benefits of staying with him? How can I make it work? How can WE make it work? To have the flame back, the butterflies feelings, motivation and commitment need to be there. How committed are you to your relationship? Your marriage may not be ideal right now, but how would an ideal marriage looks like? How can you get to that?
> Any choice you choose will be good. Just believe yourself and take action. Sitting still won't get you anywhere.
> You will find a solution; I know you will.


I guess like everyone else here... I just really want a somewhat happy existence of a realtionship-- I don't expect a picture perfect one, but one where my day's worry does not consist of my relationship... 

I think I am commmitted to this because so many people urge me to leave if I am unhappy... and yet I can't. HE isn't that bad a person on his good days... but once he is in his unhappy mode... there is just no stopping the streak of depression he lets hover over the household. It saddens me that so much of our time, years have been lost in this bubble of depression. 

My kids do care and love him. And I suppose I do too..we have some "happy days" but generally is dictated by HIS mood for the day. I hate seeing how our relationship is slowly drifting away ... to a point now that we barely speak, on have any form of simple intimacy (hug, sitting next to each other..) - much less anything more.

it's not a very good feeling seeing your life pass .... and it's even lonelier than when you were single!


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

endlessgrief said:


> Savannah, I have read all of your posts and have taken a personal interest in your situation since we are in the same boat on some levels.
> 
> You sound so sad, so miserable, all of your posts are heartbreaking. I think deep in your heart, you know what you want to do. You know he will never change. Please start making yourself happy because no one can do that for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you ENDLESS.. and thank you all for your kind support. It is really very nice to be on this forum and get people who understands. None of my friends have this kind of realtionship, so they really don't give me the understanding you all have here... 

I suppose after so many years of "feeling' alone... I just got it in my mind to go about my day ALONE... I stopped looking for HIM to have any interest in me whatsoever... I no longer look for the support, nor do I look for any form of itimacy.

I do care for him A LOT... Butot say I still love him? I don't quite know. I am staying in the realtionship not because I love him NOW, but maybe just the love I still have from BEFORE... if that makes sense?

Often I think of just leaving and starting my life new... with or without someone new... I just feel that simple happiness is so hard ot find while I am here with him. And yet--- I can't get myself to leave. Thinking of the children... not wanting a "divorced" family life for them... I know , I realize i am sacrificing MY happiness for this ideal thought of a happy family... 

I do think HE also doesn't want this either BUT won't be the one to say so first. Sometimes, I feel guilty for looking back and seeing how a mistake this was... that the only good I find in it are my children.

I never thought this was the kind of life I would have with him... I honestly did not. Had I seen signs from the beginning, I would not have even started the realtionship, much less get married.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I know this might be hard to do/hear, but the sooner you accept the fact he possibly has a mental disorder, and that he may never be able to be who you fully want/desire the better off you may be. The best thing you can do is take care of you. 

I know that he hasn't been diagnosed with any actual kind of mental disorder, and I'm no doctor but IMO its highly possible after reading many of your threads, that its highly possible he does have something going on. My wish for you, is that he goes and seeks some kind of therapy. That may or may not ever happen, so you need to make sure you go and take care of you. Bottom line, at some point, you will need to decide what it is you can and can not live with. He likely will not make you happy like you would like, you will have to do that, and then see where things take you.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> I know this might be hard to do/hear, but the sooner you accept the fact he possibly has a mental disorder, and that he may never be able to be who you fully want/desire the better off you may be. The best thing you can do is take care of you.
> 
> I know that he hasn't been diagnosed with any actual kind of mental disorder, and I'm no doctor but IMO its highly possible after reading many of your threads, that its highly possible he does have something going on. My wish for you, is that he goes and seeks some kind of therapy. That may or may not ever happen, so you need to make sure you go and take care of you. Bottom line, at some point, you will need to decide what it is you can and can not live with. He likely will not make you happy like you would like, you will have to do that, and then see where things take you.


Absolutely! :iagree: Therapy would help.. however, we did go to counselling for about 2 weeks a few years back. I don't know how I managed to convince him but I finally did!

It wasn't pretty. 

First, he was not taking it seriously... almost grinning at the counselors comments... then the last of it was becasue the counselor opened up his past issues... and left to finish comments about until until "next session"... well my H was furious and it bothered him that whole in between period... after that he did not want to go back and felt it was an absolute waste of time... In essence , it actually made him a much more worse person by opening up issues! it was horrible!

And YES! I certainly do think he has some sort of disorder. But convincing him to see a professional is yet another story. He actually KNOWS he has issues, but shrugs it off and dismisses it as "noraml" bad mood...

Just yesterday he went from good mood to bad moood about 4-5 x in the course of the day! It was awful!!!!!!
On the "good" moments, he would joke to me as if I were able to just jump moods too ike him???
He stopped joking around after I practically ignore his attempts of joking... I mean seriously, I am not a light switch that can jump from mood to mood like him. 

Does he seriously not see this issue???!!!:scratchhead:


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

savannah said:


> Does he seriously not see this issue???!!!:scratchhead:


More than likely he doesn't. If he has whats called "black and white thinking" he likely wont see your side or how you feel. Most people with things like BPD and other issues don't see the gray area of anything, its all or nothing for them, and usually they only see their side and how they feel. He doesn't understand how you couldn't have a mood like his. It will be more likely you can come to some kind of understanding that his moods are like a light switch,(from a disorder) where as for him, he will likely never understand why your moods can't be like his.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> More than likely he doesn't. If he has whats called "black and white thinking" he likely wont see your side or how you feel. Most people with things like BPD and other issues don't see the gray area of anything, its all or nothing for them, and usually they only see their side and how they feel. He doesn't understand how you couldn't have a mood like his. It will be more likely you can come to some kind of understanding that his moods are like a light switch,(from a disorder) where as for him, he will likely never understand why your moods can't be like his.


Aaargh!!! 

It's like I'm dealing with an inanimate object! I should have guessed this from the start! 

When we were first dating.. I used ot hear snide, even humorous comments from his family on how he is a "grumpy" or "moody" guy ( aparently he's been that way ever since???)... well I though nothing at the time becasue he was NEVER that way with me.. He was always all smiles, and what seemed to be a very "normal" type of guy.

I don't know if I was just oo young then , so I suppose I never thought of "disorder".... clearly that is the case now. 

I see now how this BPD or whatever it is is just affecting everything in our marriage.... this is him in a nutshell

1. moody
2. jealous / supspiscious
3. instant rage of anger
4. depressed
5. moping alone
6. rude
7. disconnected
and so mauch more I can't even think of them at the moment...

Amazes me to learn now that this is the issue on top of the issue...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Just out of curiosity, are there any family members of his that act the way he does? Or do they all find it funny that he is moody? 

How is he when he is around his family? Puts on a act with them but acts differently with you behind closed doors?


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> Just out of curiosity, are there any family members of his that act the way he does? Or do they all find it funny that he is moody?
> 
> How is he when he is around his family? Puts on a act with them but acts differently with you behind closed doors?


I don't exactly know the family "moods" personally as I am not spending that much time with them on an everyday basis-- But his brother's wife tells me that my H brother is also grumpy and moody as well. I think I see abit of it from their mother too...

Around family NOW, he is so opposite- much like how he was BEFORE we got married! If they are around, he is ALL SMILES, everything is as if he was hopping around in a field with butterflies!

He now will NOT show them any signs of his depressed state - unless its really bad. Often he will find it more intersting when he converses with them than me... He could be in a jerk mood at home, and his siblings call-- and he is Mr. HAPPY within seconds of that conversation :scratchhead: Soon as it's done, he's back to being grumpy again.

Sometimes he will forego doing anything with us (kids and I) - like plan a day outing, anythign family oriented - BUT once HIS family calls and invited him to do the same stuff.. he almost leaps out of his seat and will take "days off" from work to be sure to join... he would NEVER take a day off from work for us... ever! but seems his family trumps the kids and I??? Almost as if its not FUN with just us, he needs his family there to consider it FUN!

I've mentioned it to him before and he thinks I am crazy to say that ( I mean he was really thinking I've lost my mind!)-- REFUSES REFUSES to believe he is indifferent with us than his family!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

This is how I see it and its just my opinion, but his fake front is for his family, likely he doesn't want them playing 20 questions about his mood(s) The way you see him is probably his true self. 

Also with things like BPD etc, there is a big make up of genetics and environment. My guess is a lot of this is how he was raised and any other events in his life that may have happened that were not good. Usually the people they feel the closest to and the more comfortable with are the ones they hurt the most, that would be you.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> This is how I see it and its just my opinion, but his fake front is for his family, likely he doesn't want them playing 20 questions about his mood(s) The way you see him is probably his true self.
> 
> Also with things like BPD etc, there is a big make up of genetics and environment. My guess is a lot of this is how he was raised and any other events in his life that may have happened that were not good. Usually the people they feel the closest to and the more comfortable with are the ones they hurt the most, that would be you.


Ah- that would make sense Jamison!

Yes, i am the unfortunate punching bag at the end of this disorder.... I KNOW he had issues growing up with controlling -- and I mean CONTROLLING parents. He still resents that but really says nothing to his parents about it. He feels that they have robbed him of who he could have been in life becasue they never gave him(or other siblings) a chance to be who they are.. everything was controlled - what to say, what to do, what to take in college, what job to go into later in life... EVERYTHING! Their father was a dictator! 

I think that type of growing up coupled with the disorder, add some weak personality is a brew for a really confused grown up man!

To this day, parents are oblivious they ever harmed the kids in any way... I suppose they thought of it as "guidance"??? 

Lucky me!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Go back and read my post. He will not change until you scare him. My wife did (well, I forced it out of her) but it was too late.

My marriage problems are my fault. I was a broken person and didn't know it. The only reason I am angry at my wife is that she didn't help me. She checked out when it got hard. Heck, packing a bag and leaving me would have done a lot more than retreating into her shell for 8 years. 

You've got two choices:

1 - Help him with some tough love (the only kind that will work here) and save your family. 
2 - Leave him for good.

That's about it. My wife thought there was a third option of doing nothing. She'd be the first to tell you that's not going to work. You have to do something difficult. There's no easy way out. Coming here was a good first step. Now you have to get to work.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

I think you need to take some YOU time. When couples have been together for so long, you get bored of one another, it's true! 

Get a single hobby and spend time making yourself happy. Once he see's a light in you, he'll gravitate towards you, believe me!

Get a week with family or girls, leave him at home and don't think of him. Maybe get into painting where you're confined to your own thoughts for hours on end with blaring music. It's great! It always makes me feel better and my bf appreciates me more when I return.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Kaykris said:


> I think you need to take some YOU time. When couples have been together for so long, you get bored of one another, it's true!
> 
> Get a single hobby and spend time making yourself happy. Once he see's a light in you, he'll gravitate towards you, believe me!
> 
> Get a week with family or girls, leave him at home and don't think of him. Maybe get into painting where you're confined to your own thoughts for hours on end with blaring music. It's great! It always makes me feel better and my bf appreciates me more when I return.


Yes, I do have something that occupies my time.. HELP ME but not him... the ONLY time I see him be in good moods is when he is around his parents, siblings or friends... everyone BUT ME


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Is it possible to get a conversation with him? I mean not a 10 minutes of arguing, a real conversation. Only you two, no kids in a peaceful atmosphere where you guys can talk and respect each other.
It's very helpful to ask your partner when would be a good time for him to talk. You would like to have this kind of conversation, would like to talk about it with being pushed by the time. When would you like to talk? 
It will prepare him to get ready and be calm when it's time to talk.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

growtogether said:


> Is it possible to get a conversation with him? I mean not a 10 minutes of arguing, a real conversation. Only you two, no kids in a peaceful atmosphere where you guys can talk and respect each other.
> It's very helpful to ask your partner when would be a good time for him to talk. You would like to have this kind of conversation, would like to talk about it with being pushed by the time. When would you like to talk?
> It will prepare him to get ready and be calm when it's time to talk.


Oh, I WISH it were that easy-- he is a very non-confrontational person and feels very "uncomfortable" even at mere "talks"... he would often call me or text me (while I am working) about issues on his minf, to avoid me talking directly with him... because once I am home and want to initiate to further the talk.. he clams up and doesn't want to discuss anything.

I am all for talking, and generally like to solve things is a calm discussion setting.... but he often gets irritable or impatient and ends up blowing up and being very defensive. Often he would just walk away to end conversations... 

Funny but now, he isn't such a talker as much as he was when we first got married or even prior... we used to talk for hours on end just about anything... lately its the polar opposite at home... we barely speak , and just go about our own day.

it makes me so sad this is where we are now...


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

I'm very serious about asking for a good time to talk. Maybe he's not in the mood the talk when you ask to talk right now;need some time.
It may like this (I'm trying to use your words): Hey H, I would really appreciate if we can talk about our relationship. It doesn't need to be right now, but it's very important for me if we could talk. When would be a good time for you to have this conversation? I would like we take the time to ear what each other have to say without running out of the room, would it be possible?
By this way you respect him for his time and it's a friendly approach!


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

start with actually feel alone before you did your mistake


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

It sounds like the only options are counselling if he is willing to put in the effort or leave him. I know it's easier said than done but you really do deserve to be happy and he is ignoring you. That must be so hurtful. It could be that he has something going on but how can you work through it if he won't tell you. A friend of mine told me the best way to decide if you should leave is to recognise that he has good traits (as we all do) but decide if his bad traits are unacceptable to you or not. It just comes down to what is important to you. Your happiness or being treated worse than a housemate. 

It seems like he can't be bothered anymore. There is a saying that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse. So, it will become clear with his words and actions whether he really wants this relationship to work.

I wish you well and hope you can be happy again


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