# The role of sex in building and maintaining emotional intimacy.



## TrueGentleman (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm looking for others' thoughts and opinions on the importance of sexual intimacy in building and maintaining emotional intimacy in marriage. 

My wife and I have had a number of disagreements as to the importance of sexual intimacy in developing emotional intimacy in a relationship. And it's somewhat of a role-reversal, I think. 

When she and I make love, it's almost a spiritual experience (and I've never been a very spiritual person); it isn't about the act of penetration, it's about the physical closeness, the loving touches, and connecting on a more basic (perhaps a more "pure") emotional level. We foster emotional intimacy though deep and meaningful conversations as well, but there is something about the physical expression of passion and love that makes me feel like I'm baring my soul to her in a way that I simply don't feel that I can with words. We're both well-educated and in possession of strong vocabularies; there is just something liberating and (for me) more honest about letting my love for her guide me completely, unfiltered by "left mode" verbal thinking and unencumbered by the need to logically explain my thoughts, feelings or behaviours. When my wife and I have sex, nothing else exists in my world other than the two of us and our love for each other, and nothing is more important than showing her how much I love her body, how beautiful she is to me, and how much I love her entire being. Of course I'm not entirely selfless and I do love it when she turns her attention to my pleasure, but when we have sex, her pleasure is of greater importance to me than my own.

My wife dislikes the term "making love" because it's just sex; it doesn't create love. She believes that it may make intimacy for me and for some other people, but that it does not for her. Emotional intimacy for her is primarily built through conversation. Sex is enjoyable and she is usually emotionally involved when we have sex, but she says that it doesn't play a role in building and maintaining emotional intimacy for her.

I admit that I have a difficult time believing that.

She didn't seem to feel that way in the beginning. After we had been together a few months and had fallen deeply in love with each other, my wife told me that sex had always just been recreational for her before; it was fun and enjoyable but she was never really emotionally involved in the act. She was so happy to tell me how wonderful it was that it was different now, that the majority of the time sex with me was emotionally intimate. 

By her own admission, her trust is the hardest thing for her to give, yet her first demonstrations of giving me a deeper level of her trust took place during and after sex. She first really opened up to me emotionally and exposed her deepest insecurities and emotional scars while cuddling after sex.

Even if she truly does feel that way and my perception was just way off in the beginning, I do think that relationships have needs that sometimes transcend the needs of the individuals involved. If having sex leads to us having more emotionally intimate conversations, and if having sex makes me feel more connected to her and more able to meet her needs, then doesn't that mean that sex is an important part of maintaining emotional intimacy?

Thoughts? Opinions? Your own experiences? I'm not looking for specific advice on anything (although that is welcome too); rather, I'm interesting in reading about others' perceptions, doing a bit of a reality check on my own expectations, and eventually coming up with better ways to communicate my own feelings on the subject.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Gentlemen,

I'm so glad I stopped in here tonight and read your post. Bravo! I couldn't agree with you more. Sex is potentially a transending experience where two people can bare their souls in a way like no other. It can be a communion and a celebration of love, life and everything that is good and magical in the universe. All of that without the need for a single word........amazing. 

I share your frustration?.....saddness?.....grief?.....in that my wife just does not see the potential. Yes it feels good, yes she has orgasms, but the concept of the shared experience having such potential is totally lost on her. After thinking about this for years and discussing it with a few people I have come to the sad conclusion that our understanding just sets us up to be knocked down. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

TrueGentleman-
It maybe that your wife agrees with you -secretly- and that is why she is trying to put you off the scent. It may well be that it makes her feel more exposed and vulnerable than she is comfortable with.

If this is so, you need to look at all the areas where you might be making her feel resentful or less than cherished. When you have eliminated anything you might be doing to add to her insecurities, she might open up more.

Having said that, a lot of what goes on in our individual heads can never be shared because it is a projection of our own making. You feel spiritual, she feels horny. Is there a huge difference?

With time you could meet half way, maybe more


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