# Is this fog after EA/PA? Or me being heartless?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

What I feel these days is slowly killing everything good I have in me. 
I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.

When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.

I was very selfish. I though I could fix my life by falling for someone else. I thought that other person would “save” me… Very naive and unfair.
Back then when it happened, I did not feel regret, I got what I wanted without thinking.

It is very different story now.

When I look at my husband, I feel sorry. 
Sorry for laying to him and cheating on him. 
I feel sorry for not being able to tell him “I love you too.” 
I am sorry I cannot laugh at his jokes anymore. 
I am sorry I do not see our future; sorry I am not having kids with him even though we both are ready. 
I am also sorry for betraying him in so many ways. 
I even feel sorry for things that are not my fault (emotional/phys.abuse) just because I know what I did behind his back. 

When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing. 
I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection. 
I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore. 
I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it. 

For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*

Sounds like you don't love him, you pity him. 

If theres no children and you can't even return basic displays of affection he initiates then divorce him so he can move on with his life.

You're right, he doesn't deserve this so don't give it to him.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*

Im sorry but I really cant sympathize with you, it kinda makes me nauseous to read what you wrote and to know that he is hurting and you still seem to only care about yourself!

If you dont feel the way you should feel about him, then walk out the door and let him heal and find someone who does appreciate him, someone who wants his affection, someone who wants to hold his hand. I assure you there is someone out there that will treat him better then this!


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*



AwfullyGuilty said:


> What I feel these days is slowly killing everything good I have in me.
> I do not like who I became. I never had any man in my life except my husband until I cheated.
> 
> When I look back, I see where I made mistake, where I should work on my marriage harder- before I was too lonely, too vulnerable, too hurt to think clearly.
> ...


I was abused by my brother when I was ten years old. Whatever your abuse was, however much it was not your fault, don't dare to use it as an excuse for your dreadful behaviour.

If you do not and cannot love this man, leave.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*

This is the heartless you that you have become. Your husband deserves far better.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*

I was not going to use abuse as my excuse. I know better than that! So please do not tell me to dare or not dare if you don't know me or my story. I was just honest with my feelings and was looking some advice from people who actually went through similar situation. Thank you for your advice though.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*

Does your H know about your cheating? ...........

Please tell him if not. He deserves to be with someone who returns his love and affection. He also deserves to have children and you are robbing him of that joy too.

Maybe you still do love him but are over whelmed by guilt and can not express that love.

But I agree with the above posters love him and be honest or leave him. You cheated on him with OM now you are cheating him OUT of the joy of "returned affection" and "children".


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

how long has it been since the cheating? and how long were you cheating?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Divorce him. You say you're sorry, but that doesn't match up with your actions if you want him to live with a woman who can't even reciprocate basic affection. 

Either you love him with everything or you leave him so he can find someone who can. 

No more fence sitting, hes already been through enough of that.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> how long has it been since the cheating? and how long were you cheating?


I was in EA for 2 years. I did not see OM more than twice in those years. One year ago, it became PA.We were intimate without intercourse. I did not meet him since then and not planning to.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

eeeeeeeeasy everyone... eeeeasy...

slow down a bit. I dont know the story, if I do I dont recall... but there may be a very real physiological reason for the way she feels... 

If she's trying but just 'can't' feel certain things there could be some underlying reasons and they don't have anything to do with 'not loving' or not wanting to love him.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I was in EA for 2 years. I did not see OM more than twice in those years. One year ago, it became PA.We were intimate without intercourse. I did not meet him since then and not planning to.


Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad.


Sounds like the concern you would have for a pet - not a husband.

I don't think you want to be in love with him or want the feeling of love and affection for him to return. You are still being extremely selfish and you are dragging him down with you.

Is the affair still going on? Do you still love the OM? Do you miss the OM and long for him? If the answer is yes to any of these, then think of your husband for once and divorce him.

OK - I just read the 3 previous posts. Something else is going on here that we do not know.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> For those who seen it all, is there any hope for my marriage after all?


I think there is a spark of hope because you did come here looking for advice.

However you need to answer, some of the basic questions you have been asked....Pit-of my-stomach ask you;

Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?

SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?

and your H does know about this affair? 

I also asked you if your Husband knows


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

OP it sounds like you are still in the fog because you are still in the affair. Please do the right thing, tell your BH everything and then file for D


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

No hope whatsoever is left. You can't and you won't reconnect with your husband. Please file for divorce.

He's abused you, but you should not have cheated, you don't love him as a wife anymore. End the suffering for the both of you.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Didnt meet him, but have you spoken to him?
> 
> SO your saying that its been 1 year since any contact with this OM ?
> 
> and your H does know about this affair?


He does not know it. I never told him.
I did not see OM but we talked about month ago. Then I came to TAM and started to ask questions how to do things right. You can find my previous posts under my profile page.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

mel123 said:


> I think there is a spark of hope because you did come here looking for advice.
> 
> However you need to answer, some of the basic questions you have been asked....Pit-of my-stomach ask you;
> 
> ...


I did answer them in post above. 
I don't think my husband knows. He never asked anything related.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

But I'll assure you, he knows 'something' is wrong, he just can't get a handle on exactly what it is.

You need to tell him and let go.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> You can find my previous posts under my profile page.


I read some of your prior posts. I see where he abused you and he laughed at your depression. He is heartless, but you still should NOT have cheated.

Are you afraid to tell him because he may become violent ? I suggested earlier to tell him, but if that's the case maybe you shouldn't.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I think you truly feel sorry for your husband. The problem is, you feel even sorrier for yourself. As a betrayed husband who endured a similar situation, you can do your husband a favour by the old adage "Sh*t or get off the pot". 

In other words, don't feel sorry. Either work on your marriage or leave. Don't waste his time and your time feeling sorry.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> eeeeeeeeasy everyone... eeeeasy...
> 
> slow down a bit. I dont know the story, if I do I dont recall... but there may be a very real physiological reason for the way she feels...
> 
> If she's trying but just 'can't' feel certain things there could be some underlying reasons and they don't have anything to do with 'not loving' or not wanting to love him.


:iagree:

Pit,.. I agree with you now, after reading some of her prior posts. I think the OP is; afraid ,guilty ,hurting , confused and looking for some answers.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm not sure if you you read any of the OP's thread, but she is married to a physically and emotionally abusive man.

OP, YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS MARRIAGE NOW!! YOUR HUSBAND WILL ONLY ESCALATE HIS ABUSE UNTIL YOU WIND UP IN THE HOSPITAL OR IN THE MORGUE!! 

No wonder why you don't want to have children with him. How in the hell would want to bring children into a mess like this where there is a legitimate chance the husband will be abusive to the kids. Assuming you are telling the truth, your husband is a monster that deserves to drink boiling water and to gargle with roofing nails...

Stop fiddle fvcking with the guilt of having an EA and get your ass out of this relationship before it is too late for you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> eeeeeeeeasy everyone... eeeeasy...
> 
> slow down a bit. I dont know the story, if I do I dont recall... but there may be a very real physiological reason for the way she feels...
> 
> If she's trying but just 'can't' feel certain things there could be some underlying reasons and they don't have anything to do with 'not loving' or not wanting to love him.


I really don't give a sh1t about fog induced detachment in this case. I can't imagine loving someone who abuses me. I can't.

OP, you don't love him, he doesn't love you.
That's the truth, black over white.
What's you plan?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Not digging that most of the responses to the op has been given with not as much thought and concern that use to go on around here....Heck how many people are responding with out enough information to understand the op's situation.....getting disappointed in TAM.

OP~ You should seek some IC before making any decisions, to work out your confusion. While I loath cheating and the cheaters, I can not fully come down on you because my H cheated and I still love him despite that horrible fact.

You really must get to work figuring out the confusion so that you can see what direction in life that you want to head. I do believe that one should be honest and tell their spouse asap about their A but if it might lead to abuse of any kind in reaction then you should not say anything right now.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you all for everything you said so fair! 

The thing about my confusion related to emotional/physical abuse is- that my husband is trying to be nice guy these days. 
He does not say anything ugly to me. And I do not get it. 

It makes me feel so guilty for not forgetting what was before and for ways he treated me. 
Maybe this is just some kind of cycle. 

I started to read "why does he do that" book, but took break from it because my marriage counselor gave me homework - to read book Boundaries and Boundaries in marriage and also book I have after those.

His nice behavior makes me think I am crazy and those ugly things never happened. But then I read my old email, emails to therapist describing my situation and I know I did not dream it.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> When he tries to hold my hand, I feel nothing.
> I do not kiss his lips. I do not cuddle with him or appreciate any intimate affection.
> I DO love him in certain way, I also worry about him when he is sick or feels bad. But, most part of what I used to feel is not there anymore.
> I lost myself in selfish fantasy and no matter what happened between us before, he did not deserve it.
> ...


Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist who will do brain scans on the emotional centers of your brain. 

Not sure of your story, but if you feel no emotion and you once did there can be both physiological and psychological reasons for it. 

If you never felt emotions like love and only enjoyed the sexual thrill, that is something to mention to the doctor.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Uh, no. Under the circumstances you described, THERE IS NO HOPE.
> 
> You have the affair, don't have any feeling towards him whatsoever, and wondering is there a chance at things working itself out?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Uh, no. Under the circumstances you described, THERE IS NO HOPE.
> 
> You have the affair, don't have any feeling towards him whatsoever, and wondering is there a chance at things working itself out?
> 
> ...


It is not true I did not try to make things right. I went to marriage counselor and tried to get him there with me. He said IC or any therapy work is for crazy people or people with problems. He is in denial about ours. I told him my feelings has changed and begged him to help me fall in love with him again. To show me that person who he used to be.He never really cared about it. This was before PA. 

I was good wife to him for 10 years. I cook, clean, take care about his mess. I won't even let him sleep on couch without blanket so he would not get cold. 
I was with him in moments when he needed me the most while I could be really selfish and do my things. But I did not.
So please, just because I feel the way I feel right now and horrible choice I made, it does not mean his life with me was pure hell. I did my best in previous years.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I was good wife to him for 10 years. I cook, clean, take care about his mess. I won't even let him sleep on couch without blanket so he would not get cold.
> I was with him in moments when he needed me the most while I could be really selfish and do my things. But I did not.
> So please, just because I feel the way I feel right now and horrible choice I made, it does not mean his life with me was pure hell. I did my best in previous years.


Things happen, people change. The huge mistake we make is that we didn't have the courage to leave before we cheated or the courage to face our demons and work on them.

Live and learn, if you learned from this, you'll be a better person. If you don't and keep making the same mistake then, hopefully learn someday.

BTW, you're done with the marriage. I don't care if he becomes prince charming and comes around, the scars are permanent and you can't forget or forgive. Separate for now, work on yourself and hopefully he works on himself also.

Down the road when you've both healed enough, maybe you can try again. But right now, I don't think it's possible.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist who will do brain scans on the emotional centers of your brain.
> 
> Not sure of your story, but if you feel no emotion and you once did there can be both physiological and psychological reasons for it.
> 
> If you never felt emotions like love and only enjoyed the sexual thrill, that is something to mention to the doctor.


I do feel emotions and I did love him before. I still do but something is missing. It is not that love I felt 10 years ago. 
I will try to solve my emotional thing with my therapist.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Things happen, people change. The huge mistake we make is that we didn't have the courage to leave before we cheated or the courage to face our demons and work on them.
> 
> Live and learn, if you learned from this, you'll be a better person. If you don't and keep making the same mistake then, hopefully learn someday.
> 
> ...


You are right!
It was my big mistake that I did not leave before. I did not have boundaries. I told him I will leave but I never did. So he knew he can get away with anything. 
And back then, I did not have a clue what was going on. Looking back, I was too young too understand what was going on. People should not get married before they are 25-30 years old. In my country, people stay married and do not give up easily because it is shame for them or their family if things do not work out. My mom stayed with my abusive alcoholic father no matter how much he hurt her or messed up her life. She could do so much better...


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I think you should divorce him. He deserves better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The relationship isn't working for either of you.
With no children involved there's no reason to prolong it.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*



AwfullyGuilty said:


> I was not going to use abuse as my excuse. I know better than that! So please do not tell me to dare or not dare if you don't know me or my story. I was just honest with my feelings and was looking some advice from people who actually went through similar situation. Thank you for your advice though.


Lady, you do not hold exclusive rights to 'your story.' Each of us have our own and yours is one played out by thousands. I'm sorry you were abused - really. Been there, done it, got the tee shirt. You asked for opinions and you got 'em. I'm sorry you find them distasteful. It is distasteful to me that you seem to bring up your abuse as a way to mitigate what you did.

I was abused. I did not cheat on my partner because of it. I say again, if you do not love this man, leave. If you have problems as a result of your abuse, get some help and get the heck out.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Nothing shocking about why he's being nicer lately: He sens the detachment, all you wrote in the original post, you are not a secure thing for him, unconsciously he know he can't push your bottoms as he used to.

Keep NC, drop all the fog induced demonization/story revisionism. Get a clear picture of the marriage without that baggage.
Go to IC

Make that hard decision you know you have to.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*



Louise7 said:


> Lady, you do not hold exclusive rights to 'your story.' Each of us have our own and yours is one played out by thousands. I'm sorry you were abused - really. Been there, done it, got the tee shirt. You asked for opinions and you got 'em. I'm sorry you find them distasteful. It is distasteful to me that you seem to bring up your abuse as a way to mitigate what you did.
> 
> I was abused. I did not cheat on my partner because of it. I say again, if you do not love this man, leave. If you have problems as a result of your abuse, get some help and get the heck out.


Normally I am a staunch believer that the cheater is 100% to blame for infidelity. However, I would say that this case may be one of those rare exceptions that cannot be judged so easily. Did she do the wrong thing and simply leave her husband? Yes, she should have left him right away. However, what we don't know for sure is whether the OP felt like leaving was even an option for her. If I recall correctly, her husband "jokingly" told her that she could never divorce her - which implies to me that he'd put her in the morgue before she could get the chance. I have no first hand experience with abuse cases. However, I do know that there are plenty of cases where the spouse is afraid to leave her husband because she fears for her safety if she would do such a thing. Is this a situation like that? I'm not sure, but if you were in a situation where you were married to someone, and you felt there was no possible way out, how would you find a way to cope with your situation in order to survive? Maybe reaching out was her life line in this situation.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Normally I am a staunch believer that the cheater is 100% to blame for infidelity. However, I would say that this case may be one of those rare exceptions that cannot be judged so easily. Did she do the wrong thing and simply leave her husband? Yes, she should have left him right away. However, what we don't know for sure is whether the OP felt like leaving was even an option for her. If I recall correctly, her husband "jokingly" told her that she could never divorce her - which implies to me that he'd put her in the morgue before she could get the chance. I have no first hand experience with abuse cases. However, I do know that there are plenty of cases where the spouse is afraid to leave her husband because she fears for her safety if she would do such a thing. Is this a situation like that? I'm not sure, but if you were in a situation where you were married to someone, and you felt there was no possible way out, how would you find a way to cope with your situation in order to survive? Maybe reaching out was her life line in this situation.


I don't know but he did not scare me with that statement. He always joked this way about me disappearing but I never believed he could do it. 
For most of the part, why I stayed was because I thought everything was always my fault. I believed I was too in-perfect, un-worth human being. I was made to believe I can be happy to have him. 

7 years ago, when problems started, we moved to another country. No family, no friends I used to know. I did not speak English, could not drive car and without car, you get nowhere here. I was completely depend on him. After couple of years, when I could do thing on my own and talk for myself, he start not to like it. He did not have control over me as he used to did. When I said I am going to exercise, his usual answer was "no, you don't". He was always making most of our decision and when he asked for my opinion, he would always do whatever he wanted at first place.
Altogether with being homesick and stressed, I was diagnosed with depression. I was thinking about taking my own life when things were worst. When I told him about it, he just laughed. Each time when I was looking for some support he would become angry or laughed sarcastically over my problems. So I stopped talk. I stopped getting to him for some attentions, some touch because I felt it only bothered him. And with each little thing, my wall was growing. 
But, I should do something about it back then. It is NOT excuse for cheating.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty,

My STBXWW is like you in that she seems to have lost the kind of romantic love for me that she once had. In our case, I was always a good, loving, devoted, husband and father. There was never any abuse of any kind in our marriage. In fact, she had the easy life. With in a year after losing both of her parents, she met up with an old high School crush on Fakebook and had a 2 year EA/PA. I found out and gave her an ultimatum...him or me. She stayed but put in almost no effort towards R. She continuously lied about talking to and seeing him for another year until he supposedly dumped her. Even then, she never became open and honest. I finally gave up and filed for divorce. 

I have read many times that, for some reason, women who cheat and become emotionally attached to their OM cannot reconnect to their BH's after the affair is over and after the fog is gone. I can understand this inability or lack of desire to reconnect if the marriage was abusive but that was not present in my marriage. What I can't understand is the act of cheating and how that could be considered an option to begin with.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Decimated said:


> AwfullyGuilty,
> 
> My STBXWW is like you in that she seems to have lost the kind of romantic love for me that she once had. In our case, I was always a good, loving, devoted, husband and father. There was never any abuse of any kind in our marriage. In fact, she had the easy life. With in a year after losing both of her parents, she met up with an old high School crush on Fakebook and had a 2 year EA/PA. I found out and gave her an ultimatum...him or me. She stayed but put in almost no effort towards R. She continuously lied about talking to and seeing him for another year until he supposedly dumped her. Even then, she never became open and honest. I finally gave up and filed for divorce.
> 
> I have read many times that, for some reason, women who cheat and become emotionally attached to their OM cannot reconnect to their BH's after the affair is over and after the fog is gone. I can understand this inability or lack of desire to reconnect if the marriage was abusive but that was not present in my marriage. What I can't understand is the act of cheating and how that could be considered an option to begin with.


When cheating is considered and option? In my case, when I felt most miserable, lonely and vulnerable in my life and he was my fantasy world where I could run and feel better. But that is not right way to fix problems. I know it now.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

*Re: Is this fog after PA? Or is it just heartless me?*



AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't know but he did not scare me with that statement. He always joked this way about me disappearing but I never believed he could do it. .


You should be SCARED ! he had that thought or would not have said it...PLEASE be careful !



AwfullyGuilty said:


> Altogether with being homesick and stressed, I was diagnosed with depression. I was thinking about taking my own life when things were worst. When I told him about it, he just laughed. Each time when I was looking for some support he would become angry or laughed sarcastically over my problems. .


He must have a cold heart


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