# Help need advice after affair am I an idiot or what?



## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Help - this is a long story - I have been married 16 years with 2 children. 
It's the same old story. Get married, have children, I focus on children, neither of us communicate, husband feels neglected, has affair. Back in February my husband confessed to a two-year affair that devastated me. This affair came to a head only because the other woman's husband found out and threatened to tell me, otherwise it would have carried on. I won't lie, our relationship was at rock bottom, no sex we lived more like brother and sister and went through the motions of being a family but neither of us were happy. I understand the reasons behind the affair, over time I can get over it, learn to forgive and ultimately I want to fight for my marriage. 
The past seven months have been great. I've took up running which I love and have lost three stone in weight and most of all I feel confident and stronger and I'm happy with who I am. I get help more around the house, our sex life is fantastic, we go out at every opportunity. Obviously my husband has to regain my trust and I know over time the raw feelings over the affair and betrayal will fade. I feel that we are both trying to get through this together BUT ONE BIG PROBLEM:
The affair my husband had was not just about sex but emotional as well as two years is a long time. I knew this and talked with my husband about this, I knew it wouldn't end overnight and I expected contact to continue. 
During the seven months since the affair I have dealt with the other woman's husband coming to my house to tell me they are still contacting each other which I knew anyway, her sending messages telling me do I know about the contact still. I have always shied away from confrontation but I now stand up for myself more, I've had the usual slanging match on the doorstep, warning her off etc.
My husband assures me that it ended seven months ago but my problem is still the contact. I came to a point where I asked him to promise me he wouldn't contact her again - he couldn't do that. Am I stupid to put up with this? I feel that I have given 100% in the last seven months to try and save our marriage because I love him. To know that he won't stop the contact feels like a kick in the teeth, surely if he wants our marriage to work he should stop now after seven months. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and he'll never walk away.
He says that things are fading, but I checked his phone on Monday and the message was general but ended 'have a nice day sexy!' - the same sort of messages he sends me. I confronted him, through coffee over him, packed his bag for him and screamed at him to get out! - but when it came down to it I backed down because I don't want him to go, I still love him and I admit although I'm stronger I can't imagine being on my own with two children.
AM I STUPID - do I give it more time and hope things do fade with her. Is he keeping his options open - he claims he'll never be with her even if we do split up. He says he opened up to her when things were bad between us and he doesn't hate her.
I can understand this but only to a certain point. To read the message the other day tells me different. I've told him to sort himself out, I don't think he knows what he wants, but he still tells me he won't leave. He also told her at the beginning of the affair that he wouldn't leave me. Why do they still contact each other if they both know it was over? Are they both laughing at me behind my back? is it genuinely just texting? 
Emotionally I'm up and down hour by hour day by day - it now feels that I'm back to square one again, trusting is going to be hard, do I give it best now or wait and see. Can someone give me sensible advice and help me move forward PLEASE!


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks for the helpful advice I'll let you know how things go - you've helped me confirm to myself that the situation is unacceptable if we want to move forward together. I'll check out the websites you suggest.
Thanks again 
GREEN


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

green said:


> but when it came down to it I backed down because I don't want him to go, I still love him and I admit although I'm stronger I can't imagine being on my own with two children.


This is the bottomline here. Try imagining being alone. He is taking you for a ride, darling. He took your forgiveness as a sign to do keep on doing it, rather than breaking completely. If he really felt sorry, really felt he should give 100% to this marriage, he would've ended it completely. No contact, nothing. Him still having contact means he wants his bread buttered both sides. Your side should no longer be there.

Try trial seperation. Try moving out, for a week. To bring kids up alone is done every day, you can do it if you plan it with the right head on. Don't stay in this situation because of weakness. You have lost so much weight, you're funky and sexy, you don't need this slap in the face. The important thing is to show him you are serious, all or nothing. After all you've been through, who is the stronger person here? Definitely YOU! Don't fall for his promises, it's not over between them, you can see it from a mile. 
You have time. Make your plans. Get your stuff ready. Time to move, you owe him NOTHING. You also had a terrible marriage for 16 years, but YOU didn't cheat. That's the difference here.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks for the advise - I'm not going to make any quick decisions on this but it has made me see that I am the strong one here - if I stay I think we could end up hating each other and I don't want that I still need questions answered from him and I'll let you know how things go

Thanks alot
GREEN


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree that he needs to stop all contact to really show you that it is over with her and that your marriage is a priority to him. He doesn't have to hate her, but by having an affair, he crossed way over the line of friendship and if he wants your marriage to survive, he will need to lose her (even if he feels they are now "Just Friends") as a friend...it is not intended as a punishment, but a consequence of his actions....and still referring to her as sexy is totally disrespecting you, your marriage and the work you have put in to rebuild it.

And the "Don't worry, I won't leave you"...what the heck is that? Throwing you a bone so you feel safe and secure? That would be a comforting thing to hear if his actions backed it up. Otherwise, it just appears that he is stringing both you and OW along...and not making a real effort to rebuild.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Can anybody give me pointers that I can pass on to my husband to help him finish all contact with the other woman. I can't make him do anything, but some advise would be helpful.
Thanks
GREEN


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

My husband and I have talked about this.
I told him that this situation is unacceptable and that he must see for us to move forward he has to stop all contact. I know that I can't wipe out what happened or the years before when our marriage was really bad, but he has to show committment by cutting contact. I'm giving 100% and I feel that he isn't. If he is not prepared to do this then it isn't fair on me, him or the other woman. I told him to think about what I've said and make a decision. I left things for awhile and he has now told me that he has stopped contacting her and he has shown me the e-mails from her and his replies - it wasn't easy reading but most of what I read I knew anyway - I know I can now start trusting him again but I have pointed out that no matter how hard it is for him to do it or how hurt I feel, I must see all messages, e-mails etc otherwise if things remain quiet, I will get suspicious.
I hope we can get through this - as I said before we are getting on great, things feel different for both of us and I know there's a long way to go.
Thanks


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You might consider asking him to write a 'no contact' letter to TOW. It might go like this, which was taken from No Contact Letter

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter: 

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves. 


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[name here]


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