# We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Haven't done that in awhile, but it's true!

We did "part B" of the "frustration dialogue" we started at MC yesterday:
one person, the "frustrated one," tells the other about their frustration and requests "behavior changes" from the other.
H was the one making the requests of me.

I ain't gonna lie, it was NOT easy to keep from feeling defensive because I definitely have a valid pov on the topic he had brought up.
But I followed the structure of the dialogue---his turn to send, my turn to listen...that's important in these points of disagreement, so it doesn't become an argument. 
And it ended with him actually in tears telling me he loves and appreciates me.
He felt heard and respected, and I feel good that he was willing to open up and talk about something, and apply our MC "strategies" at home...and I feel secure knowing there will be a similar opportunity for me to have a dialogue and be heard too, at some point.

We're not in shangri-la yet, we're still deep in the woods...but we can see a way out, and we may even be heading in the same direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

That is wonderful! I'm rooting for y'all!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> That is wonderful! I'm rooting for y'all!


I know you are, mm. Thank you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

ahhh!! I am jumping up and down right now!! Well, I am in my mind because I can't jump and type at the same time!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

Credam,

When the other one feels that we are doing something which hurts, the more we defend ourselves, the more we offend them, it doesn't help us solve our problems. 

You did a wonderful thing by listening to him, just listening to him, let him say what's in his mind, and you have a very understanding attitude, it will really help the other one open up and share what's in his mind. Only by knowing what's in his mind, you will be able to understand him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

It wasn't easy because I did feel a bit misunderstood by him.

BUT: this was my turn to try and understand him. I'll have my turn. 

Listening to him and showing that I want to do that, hopefully will open the way for understanding to be MUTUAL.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> once you dont feel like you are being attacked all the time you will not have the need to defend at every turn.


yup. Trying to set a different tone.

I love how supportive you all are!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

Woot!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

I am not sure I understand this communication.

He tells you he wants something from you. You just listen to what he says. 

A few times you mentioned that it was tough on you because he 'misunderstood' you. That you had a valid POV that you didn't bring up.

So are you going to comply with his request or are you stuck on your POV and the fact that he misunderstands you? 

I can see this being worse in the long run. He tells you how important something is to him and he feels you listening to him and he ends up emotional because he was heard. If you still hold resentment and are not going to meet his request then now it is worse. Before he didn't think you heard him. Now he knows you heard him, but you don't care.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am not sure I understand this communication.
> 
> He tells you he wants something from you. You just listen to what he says.
> 
> ...


I "don't care"?? Never have falser words been spoken about my relationship.
He knows I care. No question.

I never said I wouldn't comply with his request. Not once.

Just because it's hard, doesn't mean I'm not going to make good on a commitment I made to him.

All I'm saying is I have a valid pov too, but in this particular instance, my role was to listen and understand where he's coming from.
No, I'm not stuck on my pov. I just know that it exists within me, but I didn't push it on him.
Yes, I heard and listened to his pov.

At some point, I hope he can play the role of listening to my pov and "complying with my request" too.
I.e., meet in the middle.

I believe this is an example of seeking first to understand, and then to be understood.
I sought to understand. Is that always easy? No.
Did I have to put aside my own desire to be understood for the sake of it? Yes.
Just because im admitting that it's a challenge doesn't mean I'm fostering resentment.

This is good for the long run, I believe.
It's me pushing myself to be patient, and biting my tongue to hear him and meet his needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takeactionnow (Feb 11, 2011)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

Sometimes when someone knows that they can say anything where they will not be 'attacked' for saying it and actually be 'heard', then they will be able to open up more and share more of their inner thoughts.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*



credamdóchasgra said:


> It wasn't easy because I did feel a bit misunderstood by him.
> 
> BUT: this was my turn to try and understand him. I'll have my turn.
> 
> Listening to him and showing that I want to do that, hopefully will open the way for understanding to be MUTUAL.


It is wonderful that you are taking the initiate to do it. 

He may not be right, but if we listen to him with a humble attitude, it will make him feel good, and then he will soften himself. If you don't defend, then he doesn't need to feel keeping on pursuing the subject, in a marriage, it is not about right or wrong, it is about building up a happy marriage. 

If he sees you putting a lot of effort into pleasing him, he will do the same thing for you, he will try harder to work on his anger issue! 

I trust him. Do you?!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*



credamdóchasgra said:


> And it ended with him actually in tears telling me he loves and appreciates me.
> He felt heard and respected, and I feel good that he was willing to open up and talk about something


awwwweeee...that's so sweet. doesnt it just melt you a little


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> It is wonderful that you are taking the initiate to do it.
> 
> He may not be right, but if we listen to him with a humble attitude, it will make him feel good, and then he will soften himself. If you don't defend, then he doesn't need to feel keeping on pursuing the subject, in a marriage, it is not about right or wrong, it is about building up a happy marriage.
> 
> ...


I do.

You're right in what you say. Thanks, everyone...we've had a good night together. One day at a time, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*



credamdóchasgra said:


> I do.
> 
> You're right in what you say. Thanks, everyone...we've had a good night together. One day at a time, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, make it one day a goal, today tell yourself that you want to make it trouble free, avoid what it might upset both of you, do what will make both of you happy. 

Making him happy is your goal, understand what he likes and doesn't like, do what he likes and don't do what he doesn't like! Say what he likes and don't say what he doesn't like. Soon he will find you a smart woman and he will feel very heart warming seeing you! That's what I do everyday actually! 

And please don't feel discouraged if something bad happen again, you just started it, it needs practice to become skilled. 

And when he is amazed by all the big change you have made, he will be impressed, and you can tell him about this wonderful forum, both of you can learn from people here together. Let him see how other wonderful men treat their wives, let him know what he shouldn't do as a husband!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Yes, make it one day a goal, today tell yourself that you want to make it trouble free, avoid what it might upset both of you, do what will make both of you happy.
> 
> Making him happy is your goal, understand what he likes and doesn't like, do what he likes and don't do what he doesn't like! Say what he likes and don't say what he doesn't like. Soon he will find you a smart woman and he will feel very heart warming seeing you! That's what I do everyday actually!
> 
> ...


Yes, I'm responding differently to him than I have before.
Hopefully I can keep it up and hopefully he'll treat me well too.

2 examples:

1. Last night we were watching CNN and discussed something a commentator said. We went back and forth for a few minutes, not arguing, and then he got agitated and said loudly "do you GET that I see yiur point?!?" ::scratchhead::
I was like "huh? Yes. I wasn't arguing with you."
he said "I know you weren't." I said "good."
a bad response of me wouldve been to push him to keep talking about it because he got reactive. This way, I didn't get involved in his being reactive. 

2. This morning he said something in a teasing way, that I thought was critical, not nice.
I simply said "that's mean. It sounds like you're implying that xyz."
and dropped it. A bad response wouldve been to argue with him and push him to see why I felt that way.

The point is....
I'm trying to respond to him in a way that lets him know my thoughts and feelings, without pushing him to change his for me, or to take responsibility for them.

It's not helpful for him to get argumentative and raise his voice every time I have an opinion.
But I think my saying "um, yeah...I wasn't arguing..." and staying calm is MUCH more effective than yelling back at him or demanding that HE "calm down!!!"

Telling someone to "calm down!" doesn't usually work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

On one hand, your husband gets defensive and offended easily, it is very immature on his part. 

But he is not here, and I sure the MC has already told him that, he is learning slowly. 

Credam, in a class, there are smart students who learn fast, there are also slow students who don't pay attention. You are a smart student, and he is a slow one. For a teacher, when we have slow students, the only thing we can do is to be more patient, he will get there, just slower. And tell you the truth, they can never catch up even though you give them extra time. Your bad luck for having a husband who tends to get angry easily, but he has a lot of other good qualities, so don't let one fault of his affects your whole relationship and love. 

I think he wants a wife who listens to him and respects his opinion, please don't engage in silly debate with him, it is just not worthwhile. Sometimes I say a point, and somebody just try to argue with me, if they have good points, then good, if they don't, they just make me feel not want to talk to them, when we debate, attitude is very important, we have to be respectful and polite, never get offensive and defensive. 

Patience, patience, patience.......................................


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

Thanks.

I think it is possible for me to listen to him, respect him, and express my own opinion without arguing with him.
I'm never going to stop having my own opinions.
But I don't want to argue with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*



credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm never going to stop having my own opinions.
> But I don't want to argue with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is the right attitude to have. 

We are individuals, of course we all have our opinion about life and people. 

We can have our opinion, but it doesn't mean our opinion is right. We have to be respectful and polite when others disagree with us. Don't be offended if he disagrees. It is very obvious on this board, people from two sides start arguing, then one side becomes offended and start getting angry, start calling names, start being insulting, it is very unpleasant, and nobody wants to be in a debate like this. 

It is important for us to be observant, listen to him, understand him, and share your opinion, don't let him think that you are trying to prove you are right, he is wrong!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

I am "letting things go" to avoid fighting, unless it's definitely important.

For example, my H tends to say things off the cuff that don't sit well.
Example: We were talking about my dad, he said "yeah well, that's his ego."
If I say "hey, what do you mean by that?" and he explains, I need to *accept his explanation*--"that's any man's ego."--- instead of pushing him to tell me he doesn't think badly of my dad...which is thats exactly the kind of "pushing" that would send us into a fight.
So that's what I'M working on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*

Good for you, Credam! You are doing the right thing. 

Sometimes he is just expressing his opinion, no ill meaning on his part. As long as it is this, there is no need to argue back and forth, right? 

No need to argue over small things and put both of you into fight! Wasting energy!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..*



greenpearl said:


> You are a smart student, and he is a slow one. For a teacher, when we have slow students, the only thing we can do is to be more patient, he will get there, just slower.


respectfully, i completely disagree with this statement. i had this attitude with my H in the beginning, too. but its all wrong and creates a very unloving, condescending environment. 

An individuals emotional healing is not comparable to anyone but themselves. To think that you are better, or smarter, then another simply because you do not share that exact struggle dismisses an opportunity for intimacy. You have your own struggles, they're just different. Its more important to love and admire your spouse for how they are working through their struggles. In that respect you foster a strong intimate bond with your spouse because now you can relate, since you are also working through your struggles.


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