# Don't We, as BSs, Pretty Much Have Proof Positive...



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

...that if we lost our jobs, or or looks, or had a disease etc. that our cheating spouses(even if we reconciled)would abandon us?
I mean isn't the cat sort of out of the bag that, under the right circumstances, when the chips are down,our cheater spouses would jettison us in favor of greener pastures? Can there be any debate on this?

So, once a person has this knowledge, how does he or she go about conducting his or her life? Can you relax? Can you ever feel secure? Do you constantly worry about what your spouse has in store for you?
I mean, you know, right? It has already been demonstrated.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

you are correct.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

I think we combat this by becoming better than we ever were, stronger than we ever were (despite age or infirmary), and more resilient than we ever were. Illness, job loss and loss of looks are a part of life; but not just for yourself, those things also happen to the disloyal spouse. I've noticed that since my wife left, her face seems to have ages about 10 years (from 36 to 46).

As Lon said though, "you are correct". You can never (or at least I can't) trust them again. They are selfish, self-centered, and just not plain worthy of your trust.

I'll admit though, it was satisfying when my other half started to regret her choices, but by then I was so beyond her and us that saying "thanks, but not interested" came so naturally.

(P.S. No kids so easier)


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, my first XW, tried to put the moves on me ten years after our divorce, as she was being divorced by her second husband. I told her to get lost.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That's always the risk everyone runs with reconciliation. That the moment they get bored again, or someone else starts providing excitement, or the marriage goes thru another rough patch, the the WS is going to kick you to the curb and will feel "justified" in doing it. Every marriage goes through ups and downs, it isnt all fun and excitement that some of these WS seem to crave all the time. And there's no way in hell that you are going to be attractive to him/her all the time.

R is a risk. Love is a risk. Marriage itself is a risk. That's why the WS had damn well better earn that precious gift of R. Yet far too many newly betrayed are so desparate that they sweep it under the rug as fast as possible and then wonder why they're still in pain and their WS is still acting the way they do.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Oh, I don't know. 

My wife's affairs had little to do with me, my job, my looks or my health and much to do with her weakness, unhappiness, and inability to make a difficult decision. And the pasture was no greener. She realizes this now.

I am secure in myself and I conduct my life with vigilance, compassion and defining my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them. These have little to do with my situation and much to do with how I live my life. She cannot jettison me like some piece of space junk. But she can make a foolish decision and leave a good man.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

She realizes it now...for the time being.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Voyager hit it dead on.
The ex decided to abandon her family for a eyeliner wearing nipple ringed toss off from the early 80's. 
Its her way of feeling young again.
Did I mention the PEACE I feel?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Voyager hit it dead on.
> The ex decided to abandon her family for a eyeliner wearing nipple ringed toss off from the early 80's.
> Its her way of feeling young again.
> Did I mention the PEACE I feel?


I think the point of Arnold's thread is, how relaxed would you be if you had reconciled with your XW, if she was willing to see a greener pasture in a eyeliner wearing nipple ringed toss off from the 80's the first time? If she desires to feel young again, won't her extra-marital attention seeking just escalate as she ages even more?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

There are so many different forms, variations and reasons of cheaters and cheating that I don't think that really works any better than trying to paint any other group of people with one brush. Having said that, it does certainly indicate information about the cheater that anyone would be foolhardy not to factor into their choices and decisions about that person. For cheaters as a group that's probably not a bad generalization, but for cheaters as individuals it's problematic. 

Me personally I have been by my wife's side for some pretty rough stuff both before and after we've been married. I was ultimately there for her through the aftermath of D Day as strange as that sounds -we were there for each other - it's the nature of our relationship. I will be there for her in the future. I made a bad choice, but I have done everything I know how to put it back to right and my wife has had the faith in me to accept my efforts. The fact that I cheated once does not mean that I suddenly became a different person from the one that had been beside my wife for so many years before.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

adv said:


> I think we combat this by becoming better than we ever were, stronger than we ever were (despite age or infirmary), and more resilient than we ever were.


Ahhhhh. But can you see the potential irony in that...

Once the dust settles, the urgency and threat of loss subsides.... 

Now as this new stronger, more improved person, do we begin to realize that we deserve so much better than this person that has betrayed us to the core?


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

I did move on but I do see your point. After improving, why stay with someone who is now "lesser" than you. Must admit, I hadn't thought of that before.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Arnold said:


> ...that if we lost our jobs, or or looks, or had a disease etc. that our cheating spouses(even if we reconciled)would abandon us?
> I mean isn't the cat sort of out of the bag that, under the right circumstances, when the chips are down,our cheater spouses would jettison us in favor of greener pastures? Can there be any debate on this?
> 
> So, once a person has this knowledge, how does he or she go about conducting his or her life? Can you relax? Can you ever feel secure? Do you constantly worry about what your spouse has in store for you?
> I mean, you know, right? It has already been demonstrated.



I feel it will always be a fear of mine and it's another one of my husband's numerous regrets regarding his affair. I no longer feel comfortable with the idea of being totally dependent on him financially. 

He's wanted me to work part-time to help with saving, but he never felt like my career had to be a big money maker. The career I had in health care paid well, but not enough to support the family lifestyle alone. Now I'm determined to find a different career, one in which if I was alone with just the kids I wouldn't panic. My husband gets it, but it makes him sad to know he's destroyed my sense of security in his committment to me. 

Since d-day, he's promised time and time again that he finally understands what it means to be committed. The MC is helping to give him the tools to cope better with difficult times and his own self-destructive behavior. But will I ever feel 100% confident he won't walk out that door when I'm wrinkled and flabby? Probably not, but maybe it's better not to become too confident in any relationship. 

Someday I will be stronger and more secure in my own ability to pull all the weight in our home if need be. I see this only as a positive. The driving factors behind my spouse's infidelity had very little to do with me, but stemmed from his own insecurities and emotional baggage. If he deals with those in therapy, I don't see the risk of R being much different than the risk of a new relationship. 

The only thing I can control is being prepared for future possibilities. No marriage is guaranteed to last forever. Some may last until "death do us part", but even death can leave a living spouse feeling abandoned. Obviously not in the same way as infidelity, but the feeling of helplessness might be similar. Best to live a life where you can enjoy the time you have with someone while you have it, but don't be dependent on it to last the duration of the life you live.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I ignored the obvious red flags. I was his third marriage. This person runs away whenever there may be work involved in the relationship, he admitted as much to me.

One of the many things I learned was to listen to the inner voice telling you if things are too good to be true etc...and watch the red flags. 

And no, I would not want this person back. After all, this person turned out to be spineless, untrustworthy and weak-willed. Of course, they have qualities but these shortcomings are relationship killers.

His affair partner is married for 45 years. Where are they going with that?

Who cares anymore.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

adv said:


> I did move on but I do see your point. After improving, why stay with someone who is now "lesser" than you. Must admit, I hadn't thought of that before.


That's exactly what helped me to internally let go...

Asking myself that tough question and being able to cut through my own denial and get to the core of it...

Know thyself.

Though I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage and my family, at one point I wrestled with myself over the question...

Could I ever really get over it? I'd love to believe that yes, I could. But, thats now... what about in a year? two years, ten years, etc... etc...?

When I wasn't looking at her and my marriage through the rose colored glasses that my wife's infidelity somehow magically put on my face... would I, and could I really love her "all the way"... forever? 

In becoming this better, stronger and more complete person would I eventually hunger for the "match" to those qualities? I think I deserve those qualities now, and I always have deserved them... 

But would this new person I was growing to become learn to resent the damage and pain, or hold back some of the love that I wanted to be able to give unconditionally because of this betrayal? 

That knife she plunged into my soul cut so incredibly deep, who can know the scar tissue? Who can know after I come out of this unexplainble urgency to "fix" or save, what the real damage is?

Somehow, somewhere, something inside of me answered back... I can almost hear the resignation of that little voice that said.... "no, we can't. your just buying time. dont fool yourself, this damage is too deep. let her go"


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> That's exactly what helped me to internally let go...
> 
> Asking myself that tough question and being able to cut through my own denial and get to the core of it...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Pit. Thanks. I hear that voice. It is quiet. It is insistent.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hmm, I am not sure I agree that all WS's would/will abandon their spouse later on when the going gets rough again. I do not get that feeling from my hubby at all. He is so totally remorseful that I just can't see him doing it. Although I couldn't see him cheating on me, so what the hell do I know, right?

I have debated with myself about whether I will be able to 'get over' what he did, and I have decided that no, I won't, but that would be the case no matter who I was with, or if I was with no one. I can never go back to being someone that was not cheated on, just like hubby can never again be someone who never cheated. I am damaged goods and always will be. But it's my choice what to do about that. I can let it ruin my life, or I can use it to my advantage and become a better, stronger person, with a better, stronger marriage. Everything I have learned and am doing right now is helping me be that better, stronger person, and we do have that better, stronger marriage. 

And hubby is also a better and stronger person. He discovered things about himself that he refused to admit for years, and now that he's faced them he's able to provide the level of commitment that we both need him to. I don't see myself as superior to him at all. We're not equals either - we are different people who love each other and are prepared to accept the fact we aren't perfect. Sometimes I am 'better' than him and sometimes he is 'better' than me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> R is a risk. Love is a risk. Marriage itself is a risk.


Ding ding ding.

There are no guarantees in life. Ever.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Arnold said:


> ...that if we lost our jobs, or or looks, or had a disease etc. that our cheating spouses(even if we reconciled)would abandon us?
> I mean isn't the cat sort of out of the bag that, under the right circumstances, when the chips are down,our cheater spouses would jettison us in favor of greener pastures? Can there be any debate on this?
> 
> So, once a person has this knowledge, how does he or she go about conducting his or her life? Can you relax? Can you ever feel secure? Do you constantly worry about what your spouse has in store for you?
> I mean, you know, right? It has already been demonstrated.


**hug*** From what I have seen in my parents marriage, a BS can never relax after infidelity. A marriage ends once the trust is gone, regardless of whether or not there is a divorce or separation.

Keep your ducks in a row; make sure you have other resources in case the WS pulls a disappearing act when hard times hit.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> R is a risk. Love is a risk. Marriage itself is a risk.





Jellybeans said:


> Ding ding ding.
> 
> There are no guarantees in life. Ever.


yeah, but it's a calculated risk.

when you have to factor in what they have proven they are capable of, the odds of your gamble change a bit. 

I think self preservation is instinctual, strongly regulated on a subcontious level. Realizing that regardless of my "want to" forgive and "want to" understand, I was always going to have some deep trust issues, and protective barriers. Those can not be overcome without 100% commitment from both parties. That was something that I never had. Even with that 100%, it's still a huge gamble with the odds stacked clearly against you.

In thinking about it further...

When I put the words "love and family" together... the words that pop in my head which best describes what they mean to me is "safe" or "protected"....

For me, you can see what reality i had to face... would I ever really feel safe again? would I feel protected? 

I still strive daily to make sure my son feels safe and protected. those are qualities I value above all when I think of family. My wife destroyed them for me, she can not be _my_ family.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> ...that if we lost our jobs, or or looks, or had a disease etc. that our cheating spouses(even if we reconciled)would abandon us?
> I mean isn't the cat sort of out of the bag that, under the right circumstances, when the chips are down,our cheater spouses would jettison us in favor of greener pastures? Can there be any debate on this?
> 
> So, once a person has this knowledge, how does he or she go about conducting his or her life? Can you relax? Can you ever feel secure? Do you constantly worry about what your spouse has in store for you?
> I mean, you know, right? It has already been demonstrated.


I didn't have to wait to find out my exh's true character. We were in the middle of R, 8 months after Dday when I had some pretty serious surgery. I was to be supervised for 72 hours by and adult for complications and side effects of the ga. 39 hours after my surgery he left me in bed, I had to get my son to help me out and I crawled down the stairs because I couldn't walk. He left at 8am to go play baseball and was gone for five hours. Needless to say things did not go well after this. Two weeks later I was back in hospital with pneumonia, they wanted to admit me for tx, but released me into my husbands care. He came for a visit earlier. He had another double header baseball game scheduled for that afternoon. He told me he wasn't going, that he loved me dearly and saw how I was hurting from what he did (cheating and leaving me) and he wouldn't ever do that again. He said he was there for me, to help me recover for as long as I needed him. I almost cried. I thought he had finally got it.

The ER released me into his care, he took me home and ran out to get my medication. He returned home shortly and in a flurry gave me my meds, still in the bag and continued to hustle and bustle in another room. I asked him what he was doing. In his exact words he stated "I'm going to baseball, they need me, if I don't show up they will forfeit". He left me alone with my just 11 year old son crying and begging him not to leave him with mommy because he didn't want me to die on him.

Yes there are always risks in life, but sometimes we learn the hard way that it's not a risk, but a guarantee. My exh will never change.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Post discovery, while we were still living together, I had two major surgeries and one minor one. MXW never even gave me a ride to or from the hospital. Nor did she inquire re how I was recovering.
When my mom died, she said not a word.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Post discovery, while we were still living together, I had two major surgeries and one minor one. MXW never even gave me a ride to or from the hospital. Nor did she inquire re how I was recovering.
> When my mom died, she said not a word.


I'm not sure what makes me feel sicker, my husbands treatment of me or the fact that there are more of him like that out there.

Were you both just living together or were you actively working on R?


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