# Separated - Devastated, Confused, Alone....



## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

About two weeks ago, my wife, the woman that I thought I would happily spend the rest of my life with... just left....

I knew that there were some minor problems and I seriously thought that we were working on them in a positive way.

This happened once before in 2007, for a couple of months and we worked on things and got back together and were happy. At least I think that we were happy. 

To be honest, she was drinking and decided to drive somewhere and did a hit and run, law enforcement was involved.... I got her a lawyer to defend her in court... House arrest.... Maybe we only got back together because of that? 

There was a previous DUI, single automobile accident several years prior to the above incident.... I bailed her out of that one too.

Anyway, when we first got back together in 07, we were staying at a house her mom owned, paying rent. All the while we still owned a house of our own. She said that she couldn't live here, because of bad memories???? Ok..... So anyway, we competely renovated our house, while living in the rented house, to start fresh. This was about a year ago that we moved back into our "new" house. 

I honestly thought things were going great. I admit that I have a very demanding job and I do work quite a bit. However, that cannot be helped, esp in this economy. 

We had talked about her being lonely, and agreed that we would spend quality time together. Which I made it a point to spend quality time with her everyday, because I love her and I truly enjoy spending time with her.

About two weeks ago, while at work I had a nagging feeling and was on edge. I called her and she was cheerful on the phone. Then I tried to call again.... No answer. Our daughter sent me a text saying "Dad, I love you". This served as a warning to me, simply because in 07 when she had the hit and run, my daughter called me at work and said the exact same thing. I rushed home... 23 miles..... She took our daughter, 6k in cash and was gone..... 

Since she has rented an apartment and we have been texting... yipee..... I've been to her apt a couple of times to visit.... We are talking, so I'm taking that as a positive thing..... But, at the same time I don't want to get taken advantage of. Does that make any sense?

Right now, she says that this is a extended separation..... We are not going to file papers and we agreed that if we decide on a divorce that we'll just file the papers ourselves and come up with an agreement.

I'm just so lost, confused, frustrated, hurt, heart broken, devastaed and anything else that I can't think of right now.

For some unknown reason the first few nights I slept with a loaded .380 auto under my pillow. I still keep it within reach. I wasn't able to function at work, couldn't eat or sleep.

Now, at least I'm able to sleep (xanax works wonders), eat al ittle and function a little more at work.....

Infidelity is not an issue, as I would know. My daughter would know first off and she would tell me.

Sometimes, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, like it's going to explode. 

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this crap. But, it sure does feel like it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pioneer said:


> For some unknown reason the first few nights I slept with a loaded .380 auto under my pillow. I still keep it within reach.


im really sorry for what you are going through, but why do you keep a gun close by? what are you afraid of? who do you plan on shooting?


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

Certainly not myself! LOL!!!

Just didn't know what was going on at the time


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

No, i didnt think you were planning on shooting yourself. you wouldnt keep it under a pillow if that was the case. Its just that is an extreme sign of insecurity and fear. Do you think that played out in your marriage some how?


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

Honestly, I'm not sure.

I have always been in control of myself. It just when she does stuff like this, I am insecure. I have no idea why.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

pioneer,

I could make a lot of jokes based on West Virginia -- I married a WV girl so I'm allowed. 

You've got to tell us more for any help. What did she say in 07? I know a job is important, but what is it most you want in life? A job or a family. Think about that.

I'm just fishin for some info. Go Herd!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pioneer said:


> Honestly, I'm not sure.
> 
> I have always been in control of myself. It just when she does stuff like this, I am insecure. I have no idea why.


you need to find out why. that is not an insignificant reaction. you might think you have a fear like this under control when things are going well, but these fears always play out in some way. I can assure you this has played out in your relationship even when things were ok, and will continue to play out in any relationship until you are consciously aware of what is driving that intense fear. are you in law enforcement? in the army? marines? were you planning on shooting your wife? that is the only thing i can think of. that you hate her.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

There is no need for a loaded gun because it is not whatis going to solve this is it Pioneer.
"Unload"your mind and get some talk therapy...you are obviously in alot of pain...others will help you


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> you need to find out why. that is not an insignificant reaction. you might think you have a fear like this under control when things are going well, but these fears always play out in some way. I can assure you this has played out in your relationship even when things were ok, and will continue to play out in any relationship until you are consciously aware of what is driving that intense fear. are you in law enforcement? in the army? marines? were you planning on shooting your wife? that is the only thing i can think of. that you hate her.


Planning on shooting? Hate her? Seriously, WTH??!! :scratchhead: What book are you getting this stuff from? That's like WAAAAAAYYYYYY out there in left field and you're WAAAAAYYYYYY off the mark.

Ummm..... NO! I don't hate my wife. I am in complete love with her. We have a history together, mostly good and some not so good. We have a child..... If anything, I want this marriage to work. It is my desire to grow old and enjoy what years we have left together.

If we don't work, then I will never marry again. Lesson learned.

I absolutely cannot believe that you would post that. But, to answer your question, I am a 16 year Army combat veteran.

Thanks for responding though.


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> pioneer,
> 
> I could make a lot of jokes based on West Virginia -- I married a WV girl so I'm allowed.
> 
> ...


I know what I want in life... A balance of both my family and career. I absolutely refuse to live in squalor and I absolutely refuse to allow my family to live in squalor when I have the drive and intelligence to not allow that to happen. 

See, I also have a $1000 per month child support obligation from a previous marriage. I divorced her, when I discovered that she had been unfaithful, when I had been deployed to various combat zones.

Go 'Errs!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pioneer said:


> I absolutely cannot believe that you would post that. But, to answer your question, I am a 16 year Army combat veteran.


really, i didnt think it was that out in left field. i didnt get it from any book. just off the top of my head. 

but, i dont think it has anything to do with your wife. i was also thinking you had some PTSD from being in some sort of combat. Have you ever talked to anyone about that?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Pioneer,

OK lets get to work. As hard as it is you need to get in control of yourself and your environment. Meaning get a handle on your emotions. I'm not saying to stop them, just let them happen and pass through you. If you don't exercise currently -- start. You need to do some things for yourself to help get you back.

And remember you don't "need" her, you "choose" her.

What were the minor problems? What are the major problems? I suggest looking at the web site marriagebuilders.com. Look at the questionaires about Love Extinguishers and Love Kindlers. I would also suggest the book "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliot Katz.

From the little you've written about your marriage it seems that you "rescue" her. And she is obviously not happy with herself. Unfortunately you can't "make her happy". She needs to find her own happiness. All you can be is the strong man: Decisive when needed, compassionate, a good listener, principled in your beliefs, the calm within the storm. 

So I would keep contact to a minimum right now -- allow her the space she needs. No talk of I love you, no begging her to come back, etc. It is hard and seems illogical but right now she is doing things out of emotion so logic doesn't apply.

Give us more info>


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Feelingalone is right on target regarding the "rescue" statement. 

If you are a caring person, like I think you are, then it's difficult to step away from someone that you love.

Her history (drinking and running) seems like it's come around again. She will do it, again and again, if she doesn't fix what is wrong with HER! 

It's not fair to you or your daughter to have her take of....f whenever the going gets "tough." 

You can love someone and still let them hit bottom and rediscover their lives! 

I know easier said than done. But really...how many time would you be willing to live through something like this....every few years?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep, clearly you have some major anxiety issues and as an Army vet, that may mean PTSD or, if not, something else. You do not have to have experienced violence to have felt violated, hence the tremendous anxiety. Start counseling at once. My BIL was abused as a kid and took to keeping guns at one point as a way of feeling safe (as an adult). When my sister found out he'd left a loaded gun near the kids, she left him--immediately, as she should. They were able to reconcile but she handles ALL the $$ so he can't buy/hide guns--he knows he is still vulnerable on this and continues therapy.

If your wife has this drinking/running issue, something is causing her deep fear, too, and she may not know what. She is self-medicating with the alcohol, perhaps. Agree to the temporary separation but insist you both do counseling, intensively for a few months, before you even try to start marriage counseling. You are clinging to each other in some ways but you both need to feel much better about yourselves to have a healthy marriage. 

There is a lot of hope for you if you both work hard on your issues.


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