# Heartaches with my in-laws



## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

My husband constantly puts his (mother and sister) ahead of our marriage and it caused us years of train on our relationship. We broke up over 4 times before our wedding, including one time right after we got married, only 4 months into our marriage, and I was pregnant. I spent the rest of my pregnancy at home….alone. He moved back with his mother and sister and we didn’t even speak. I was unemployed and in bed rest because of all the drama, my blood pressure was too high and it was affecting both the baby and me. My husband and I got back together after I gave birth…. And we decided to work it out, things did get better with his family, but the tense was still there. Especially every single time his mother will ask him for money, is as if we didn’t have our own bills and things to take care of. Every single time my husband and I argue is because of his mother, she is ALWAYS in our business…she has to know everything that’s going on in our life… and the worse part is that he allows it. I don’t feel like we have a marriage… I feel like I’m married to his mother and sister. It’s no upsetting and I don’t know what else to do. I have told him that I want us to be a family, meaning him, our daughter and me, but he just seems not to get it. I don’t understand why they have to be involved in everything that goes on in my house. I knew he was a mama’s boy… but I hoped things will change once we got married and had our own family. And it didn’t. 
My brother is the only boy, and my mother is not in his business, she doesn’t call him 10 times a day! ( yes, my mother in-law calls my husband 9-12 times a day….everyday!!) if she brakes a nail, she calls him, if she takes a red light , she calls him, if she learns of a new joke, she calls him, if she needs any single little stupid thing done in her house, she calls him, if she needs to clean her car, she calls him…..and just like that….he will drop ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and goes to her needs….. 

For example, last week… he gets home at 8:10pm from work…. He works the whole day, when he gets home he’s tired, I have his food in the table for him…and of course his mother knows that…. Well, it happens that for whatever reason his sister’s car needed something done… why did she come to my house at 8:10pm?? There he goes, he gets home…. Starving as always… but guess what, he goes and works in his sister’s car… forget that he’s hungry or that he’s daughter has been waiting to spend time with him, or that I want to spend time with him…. Nope! He was working in his sister’s car for over 2 hours. Again, two days later it happens again… same thing. Is like seriously….. very upsetting.

What can I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your husband a religious man? If so what religion? 

The answer will help to know what to do next.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Sin, Dont worry about MIL, she isnt the problem.

You knowingly married a momma's boy. You "thought" it would just get better on its own, but life isnt like that. In fact its going to get worse unless you nip it in the butt.

Have you given your Husband full disclosure and explained the whats and whys of *his* behaviour that you disprove of?

All you can do is set solid boundaries to ensure this type of activity ceases.


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## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Sin, Dont worry about MIL, she isnt the problem.
> 
> You knowingly married a momma's boy. You "thought" it would just get better on its own, but life isnt like that. In fact its going to get worse unless you nip it in the butt.
> 
> ...


I have, I've done it in so many different ways...even with tears in my eyes... and yet, he has not change. He sees nothing wrong with it. Even when he sees the pain that it causes me...


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## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Is your husband a religious man? If so what religion?
> 
> The answer will help to know what to do next.


We are religious, but I rather keep that out of this site. Sorry... I also got some help from my religion back when we first got married, we were separated and they did everything to get us back together and work things out.... at the end, it did help us, but the problem with his mother continue....not as severe but it continue....


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

My advice will be to talk to his mum in front of him and let her know what its like living with her son who constantly ups and runs at her calling. Let him know before hand that you will do this and explain that you have tried to talk to him about it and this is the last solution. That way if there are any arguments or if you seperate they know the score explain how your mum is with your brother and that he has a family of his own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sin suerte en el Amor said:


> We are religious, but I rather keep that out of this site. Sorry... I also got some help from my religion back when we first got married, we were separated and they did everything to get us back together and work things out.... at the end, it did help us, but the problem with his mother continue....not as severe but it continue....


The reason I asked about religion is because if you are Chrisitian there are things in the Bible that can be used to explain to him how he is supposed to be. Different religions have different verses on this. But I'll use Christian as an example...

Write him a letter explaining to explain how you feel. A letter is better than talking because you can take the time to say exactly you want to say without getting emotional and without a fight/disagreement breaking into it. And he can read it when you are not around for the same reasons.


You could start with quotes. Obviously an athiest would not use this approach..

Matthew 19:5 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'

You can probably find some good stuff online showing what this verse means and how a married couple should carry it out. This way it's clear that you are not just making stuff up and being demanding.

A counselor once told me that one of my problems in my marriage is that I acted like a girlfriend not a wife. A wife is the queen in her home and in her marriage. Like any queen she has the right to set down rules and expect them to be followed. Well you are the queen of your home and marriage. You have the right to expect your husband to leave his father/mother/sister and be one with you. Don't let him and his family push that aside. If he's too much of a mommy's boy then he will lose you. Make that clear.


Explain that by him continuing to not leave his mother and sister he is not honoring you as his wife. And that this will eventually end your relationship.

Be sure to tell him what you want.. perhaps that when he comes home from work for the day he is all yours and your son's. That is family time. No one intrudes on family that. That he is to tell his mother and sisters that he can see them for a short period on the weekend. But other than that he is a man with a family that need him.

Doesn't he have caller ID on his phone? He can answer his mother all he wants when he's not at home. But at home it's family time. No answering mom's calls. Tell mom to send a text or leave a message if there is a real emergency. To call an ambulence first. Him second.


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

omg, I have been searching this site for days looking for some1 else who has trouble with inlaws... I swear it drives me crazy how my fiance of 3 years will not stand up 2 his family for me... I feel so helpless in this situation because my family is out of state, I have no friends here and I kinda stand out in his family as well (interracial relationship) my fiance is the oldest of 5 children he has 4 sisters 2 of which I'd like to strangle and 1 who isnt bad but is constantly borrowing money and never paying back and using us as free daycare and worse... she has problems with her oldest child and expects 2 just drop it off at our house for discipline ... WTH !!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep me posted in how you handle your situation and what happens, I would love to hear how it works out 2 beter decide how to handle my situation....i hope u start 2 have better luck in love my friend  in-laws are such a touchy subject


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mzladii said:


> omg, I have been searching this site for days looking for some1 else who has trouble with inlaws... I swear it drives me crazy how my fiance of 3 years will not stand up 2 his family for me... I feel so helpless in this situation because my family is out of state, I have no friends here and I kinda stand out in his family as well (interracial relationship) my fiance is the oldest of 5 children he has 4 sisters 2 of which I'd like to strangle and 1 who isnt bad but is constantly borrowing money and never paying back and using us as free daycare and worse... she has problems with her oldest child and expects 2 just drop it off at our house for discipline ... WTH !!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep me posted in how you handle your situation and what happens, I would love to hear how it works out 2 beter decide how to handle my situation....i hope u start 2 have better luck in love my friend  in-laws are such a touchy subject


Are you the one who ends up watching your niece or nephew (not an 'it') when dropped off at your house? If so just let your sister-in-law know that you will not be there to watch her child. To NOT bring the child over.

If she does, leave the child completely with your husband to care for. I'll bet if he has the responsibility he'll find the words to tell her take care of her own child.


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## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

s.k said:


> My advice will be to talk to his mum in front of him and let her know what its like living with her son who constantly ups and runs at her calling. Let him know before hand that you will do this and explain that you have tried to talk to him about it and this is the last solution. That way if there are any arguments or if you seperate they know the score explain how your mum is with your brother and that he has a family of his own.


thank you, I will try my best to talk to both of them together, eventhought she knows exactly how I feel about her.


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## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The reason I asked about religion is because if you are Chrisitian there are things in the Bible that can be used to explain to him how he is supposed to be. Different religions have different verses on this. But I'll use Christian as an example...
> 
> Write him a letter explaining to explain how you feel. A letter is better than talking because you can take the time to say exactly you want to say without getting emotional and without a fight/disagreement breaking into it. And he can read it when you are not around for the same reasons.
> 
> ...


You honestly made me cried! And you’re absolutely right, I even have a copy of that verse posted in my fridge. That verse has been read to him, to both of us and to his mother sooo many times… and it just doesn’t get thru their heads. His mother still wants him to be available to them whenever they need him, and he allows it. 

I have written to him before, but this time I will take your advice and write to him again, hoping that this time he gets it. 

Thank you so much. It feels good to know that I’m understood, at times I thought I was the one doing wrong, that maybe it was me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sin suerte en el Amor said:


> You honestly made me cried! And you’re absolutely right, I even have a copy of that verse posted in my fridge. That verse has been read to him, to both of us and to his mother sooo many times… and it just doesn’t get thru their heads. His mother still wants him to be available to them whenever they need him, and he allows it.
> 
> I have written to him before, but this time I will take your advice and write to him again, hoping that this time he gets it.
> 
> Thank you so much. It feels good to know that I’m understood, at times I thought I was the one doing wrong, that maybe it was me.


If you want you could post your letter here first and I’m sure people would help you with the wording.

Right now you husband probably considers this to be just a silly fight between women. He does not get it. Is there a man in your husband’s life who he respects? One who could take him aside and explain things to him as well? Sometimes men need to hear things from other men.


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Are you the one who ends up watching your niece or nephew (not an 'it') when dropped off at your house? If so just let your sister-in-law know that you will not be there to watch her child. To NOT bring the child over.
> 
> If she does, leave the child completely with your husband to care for. I'll bet if he has the responsibility he'll find the words to tell her take care of her own child.


thats the thing... she actually has 4 children ranging from 16 to 3 months I know the child is not an "it" trying to be as anonymous as possible but what could telling the gender hurt lol crazy paranoid about posting all my reltionship issues online i guess.
ok so my opinion is that a 16 year old child does not need to be babysat and furthermore his uncle and myself are not good examples to be setting anyway wont go into that tho.
I feel like if he does something wrong (the latest stunt being expelled from yet another school) why would she drop him off with us while she sits at home ? he has a step father in the house and is in contact with birth father, why would u send ur child with ur bro 2 sit home alone in his own personal apartment with internet and big tv video games and cell phone as punishment ? I dont have a problem with the kids but i would like to be asked or at least informed about babysitting especially if its goin to interfere with plans we have.
I dont mind helping with her kids while shes at work in fact I offered that WHILE SHE IS AT WORK i or her brother will watch them no problem. but i have a problem with having her oldest dropped off as punishment.... our house is more of a chill spot for the kids where they come as a reward.
beleive me I have told the fiance that im uncomfortable with the discipline issues n dont want to be involved with it, he agrees with me but never shows with his actions.... im losing respect for the man I love because he doesnt have [email protected] to tell his family "NO"...


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

sin suerte... girl im reaching out on a limb here... possibly even touching on offensive and I dont mean to offend you with this question.... are you married to a hispanic man ? I am ... I beleive that part of it may be cultural.... especially if he is the only son, in my earlier post I mentioned some of my issues with my in-laws/husband... as of right now I have not acted on my problems im kinda sitting back taking it in and trying to develop the best plan of action.
Im thinking of talking to my husband again about the issues, I plan to tell him my point of view on it
-" I feel less important to you than your family, does my feeling that way effect you in any way?"

-" I feel disrespected by your family and I want the behavior to stop, are there any solutions you can think of to better the situation or stop the behavior ?"

-" I feel unimportant and unloved because of YOUR behavior, I feel disrespected by you just as much as by your family because of your willingness to jump to their every demand, you have a choice whether or not to pick up the phone."

-" Would you be willing to limit your contact with them to a specified agreed upon amount of time per week in order to better our relationship? if yes, What to you would be an acceptable amount of time ?" 
personally Im thinking of asking him to limit his contact to weekends and special family gatherings and 1 phone call per day.
im thinking of asking that all money that is lent be at least discussed with me.
im not really sure what else but like I said im kinda taking my time and feeling out the situation before I do or say something I cant take back, I really want to be prepared for everything before I bring it up... also thinking of after the convo with him talking to the in laws IN FRONT OF HIM ... unsure tho...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mzladii said:


> beleive me I have told the fiance that im uncomfortable with the discipline issues n dont want to be involved with it, he agrees with me but never shows with his actions.... im losing respect for the man I love because he doesnt have [email protected] to tell his family "NO"...


Have you told your fiancé the above in those words? That’s pretty clear. I get the impression that he is not only not telling her no, but is actually telling her it’s ok. 

What you are saying about the 16 year old makes sense. The kid has problems; sounds like his parents cannot handle him so your fiancé is not the family stuckie… and you by extension. Does the family know anyone with a farm? They should send that kid to live and work on a farm, miles from anything.

I agree with you that you should be able to set boundaries that your fiancé respects. If he does not rethinking your relationship with him makes sense.

On another note… this 16 year old. How is his behavior around you both? He sounds like he needs help.. maybe bi-polar, something like that ? Has anyone looked into why he’s acting out?


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Have you told your fiancé the above in those words? That’s pretty clear. I get the impression that he is not only not telling her no, but is actually telling her it’s ok.
> 
> What you are saying about the 16 year old makes sense. The kid has problems; sounds like his parents cannot handle him so your fiancé is not the family stuckie… and you by extension. Does the family know anyone with a farm? They should send that kid to live and work on a farm, miles from anything.
> 
> ...


Im MUCH younger than my fiance, hes actually 15 years my senior.... im closer to my nephews age and remember being 16 like it was yesterday, he talks openly to both of us about whats going on in his life and asks advice and we both sit an talk and try to help him come up with a reasonable solution to whatever problems hes having, I dont think hes bi-polar depressed .... DEFINATLY !!! hes got his issues... he smokes pot, runs around with lil fast girls who want babies, disrespects his mom and step dad, he has issues, he has improved, we helped him to make up with his step dad and stop disrespecting his mother, even to cut back the pot smoking... I dont have a problem with the kid I understand being 16, BUT .... I dont feel like getting dropped off with us is punishment, here he has a big tv games computer and freedom cuz we were not going to be home. my frustration comes from his mother just dumping him here not working on the problem herself and not even taking his cell away... wth... gang signs on the school in spray paint and he gets sent 2 watch tv alone at uncles house with cell phone while mom sits at home with the rest of the family ??? not right and I Dont agree.... furthermore nephew had agreed with us that he would do his best 2 stay out of trouble and keep grades up (he currently gets A's and B's) and stay in school and the deal was wen we move outta here he can come with ....
he broke his word 2 us and on top of it was basically rewarded.... aggh that day I was very frustrated I couldnt even speak to nephew and I know he felt bad but damn.
and why didnt mom at least try to talk to him ??? no discipline... and no consideration for plans we already had that day, again i dont have a problem with the kids, we have none together and his doesnt live with us, I love all my neices and nephews, ( all 16 in total !!!) as if they were my blood but their mothers drive me crazy !!! 
we have talked about in the future having this nephew (16) his son (11) and another nephew (15) live with us in the future, i dont have a problem in fact he hinted about it and i agreed b4 he asked outright ... I love these kids and want the best for them, when they do come to stay with us permanent i wont mind dropping plans because something comes up with the kids im ready 4 it.
my problem is in the mother having no consideration for our plans and the fact that there is no discipline and that i specifically told hubby I DO NOT want to get into the habit of watching the kids for any reason other than her being at work or having a dr appt. under no circumstances will i be turned into a free daycare for her to sit at home, i actually get along with this SIL shes cool and i understand that shes overwhelmed, we try to help wen we can, but she asks 2 much sometimes and it stresses me, she asks for $$$ ALOT !!!! and he gives it 2 her without telling me, she pays back sometimes but not always he started hiding it from me cuz he knows hes wrong but cant say no.... wats sad is that between the child support she gets , the govt. housing. her husband works (lies to her about wat hes making but still) and she works at the same job i was working at so i know wat she makes, in total her bills add up 2 less than wat we pay, her income adds to more than wat we make, where is her money going ?????
i think part of me just needs to vent being as i have no 1 to talk to ... i mean seriously no1, i have no friends here, no family nothing.... its monday... we had 2 kids from another sister all weekend and baby sat another 4 all day yesterday.. we have a small 1 bedroom apartment and its been raining non stop lol 

-biggest problem is that there is no consideration for plans we have and things we are currently doing, we were about to make a huge sale at the time she called for us 2 come home to the apt. and open the door she was leaving her kid and we ended up losing it due to that, money has been tight.
not mad at the kid but his mom was just sitting at home there was no reason to drop him off over here at that time, she could have had her brother call and talk to him as she does often.
shes not even the biggest problem i have with my in-laws... my other SIL literally complains out loud to ppl that "i took her brother away"... are u serious ??? she gets drunk and all coked up and starts talking in spanish to her friends about me as if i dont understand her... shes soooo rude.... "give me a cig b!tch!!!" ... my fiance often introduces me as his wife... tho were not legally married we are engaged and i wear a ring, she will correct it in spanish and fold her arms like a lil kid... (in spanish) " nooo shes just ur GF" the first time it happened i flipped wen we got home, he apologized and swears he talked to her, i dont think he did cuz the behavior has continued even gotten worse.... wat to do...


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Men like this are wimps. You must have known this when you married him, but there is nothing you can do to change it now. He will continue to put her above you unless he truly believes he will lose you. 

I empathize with you, I also am in second place behind my husband's family.


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

Cara said:


> Men like this are wimps. You must have known this when you married him, but there is nothing you can do to change it now. He will continue to put her above you unless he truly believes he will lose you.
> 
> I empathize with you, I also am in second place behind my husband's family.


How do you cope with it? what have you done to try and change it ?? agghhh doesnt it make you just crazy ???


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## anemas (Dec 20, 2011)

That's tough because it sounds like you really love him and just want to experience a loving family, spending time with him and your daughter. You are not wrong for wanting and expecting that. His values and priorities are mixed up. As hard as you want to make it work, I suggest you ignore your inlaws and work on building the love for yourself and your daughter. Do whatever you can to make yourself good in a positive way like working out, reading, hanging out with good people, prayer! and when you are at your strongest, talk with him, tell him what you feel and what exactly you want, time alone once a week together helps strengthen the bond. Have him turn off his phone, and you keep yours on in case of emergency. Finally, as a last resort I would privately tell his mother and daughter, how their dependency on him is breaking you guys apart and taking time away from his daughter. Let them know clearly they are breaking a family apart for their selfish needs.


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## Sin suerte en el Amor (Dec 18, 2011)

anemas said:


> That's tough because it sounds like you really love him and just want to experience a loving family, spending time with him and your daughter. You are not wrong for wanting and expecting that. His values and priorities are mixed up. As hard as you want to make it work, I suggest you ignore your inlaws and work on building the love for yourself and your daughter. Do whatever you can to make yourself good in a positive way like working out, reading, hanging out with good people, prayer! and when you are at your strongest, talk with him, tell him what you feel and what exactly you want, time alone once a week together helps strengthen the bond. Have him turn off his phone, and you keep yours on in case of emergency. Finally, as a last resort I would privately tell his mother and daughter, how their dependency on him is breaking you guys apart and taking time away from his daughter. Let them know clearly they are breaking a family apart for their selfish needs.


Thank you so much, and you're 100% right on... that's excatly how I feel and what's going on. I will take your advice, I do love him and I know he loves me...but this situation is killing me. I feel like I don't have a "real" marriage... but I will do as you suggested and hope for the best. Once again, thank you much and have a great holidays.


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