# im so pissed at my husband...advice



## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

First off I know my profile says homosexual. This is false. Im a straight married female with 5 stepchildren and 2 biological

Basically my husband and I are both recovering addicts. I have 7 years clean and he is coming up on 7 years. We were both smokers when we got together and I quit during my pregnancies but he continued even though he promised me he would quit too. I started up again after I stopped breastfeeding when my stepdaughter was hit by a car. Then I quit again with my second pregnancy. I asked him multiple times to quit smoking. He says he wants to he just cant. Anyways I started up again because he always smokes at the house and I just cant stay quit if he is always smoking around me. He got all sad when I started again and I told him I just cant do it if your smoking around me all the time. Well a friend of his went into the hospital and stuff with breathing machines and he got a real desire to quit. So he bought those vapor machines for both of us. They work great! We have been doing really well on them and lowering the nicotine level as we go and its all great. 

Here is my deal. We got in a big fight yesterday and he went out and bought cigarettes. This morning I saw hom smoking one and I told him to give me the pack. (Cause I was gonna tear it up and throw it away) but he got all mad....he is a grown man and I just dont come out and take things from him and sh*t.....

Im so pissed I cant believe he is just gonna start smokong again. I cant do it. I dont want to start smoking again, ive already decided im not touching his clothes. He can wash his smoky clothes himself seperate from ours. And I am not going to kiss him with smokers breath. Im just like at the point where I just want him to leave. But the prospect of that is very painful because I know he will go and not think twice about it.
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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Some people can do it cold turkey, a lot can't. Quitting smoking often requires behavior modifcation......alternate activities to distract your cravings......running, swimming, etc.. Does he do anything like that?

I read a while back of a couple who had sex every time they got the urge to smoke.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Smoking is one of the hardest things to quit. 
Many people will quit for a time and pick it up again. Huge addiction.

I don't really know what to tell you other than if he quits, it will be on his own, not because you told him to.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You've relapsed before with the smoking issue....you of all people ought to understand. 

All things considered, not doing drugs any more.... why fight this? It COULD BE WORSE! 

If he's a good guy, and has a relapse now and then.... under stress, I think that is understandable. I think you may make it worse by being all demanding and b*tchy about it. He's a grown man, he has to figure it out. 

Take a deep breath, look at this maturely. This is no reason to totally turn on him. If it p*sses you off that much, it becomes your problem and not his. YOU have to figure out how to get past the anger. You would end your marriage for this???


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

I just cant stand it anymore...the smell especially. Its also a health thing. I want him helathy, I want our kids healthy. He gets mad at me if I start back up but its ok for him to smoke. His words...its ok for him not ok for me.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... Last week you made it sound like you admire him so much for his work on improving himself, all in love, fighting together against his ex-wife on child support. Now you're ready to leave him because he started smoking again? What else is going on?

C
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MotherNature said:


> Im just like at the point where I just want him to leave. But the prospect of that is very painful because I* know he will go and not think twice about it.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If THIS is how he feels, then why do you even stay married to him? This statement clearly shows a lack of commitment on his part to you. 

And I dont blame you for being so pi$$ed about the smoking, either.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

He is very hard working. He is the most hardworking man I know. And I do admire him for that. I guess its such a big deal to me is because he started smoking again to get back at me and it infuriates me. Its not like im ready to leave him. But our argument that caused all this its just....our focus is on the kids and our finances....the stress of everything has really taken a toll on him and me. There is love there....ive never loved anyone more. But its like we are not like we used to be. The stress of life has taken over.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It just seems that there's other resentments at play here. Either on your side, or his. 

What was the big fight about that caused him to go out and buy cigarettes?

C
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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

He is not the type to beg. If I ask him to leave he isnt gonna stick around where he isnt wanted. Thats just how he is. I accept him for who he is or not. He only changes for himself. Him getting clean and turning his life around was all him and I am very proud of the work he has done. He is a very different person from who he used to be. Sometimes though...that old person comes out when we argue (which isnt often but it happens) Its been a very unconventional relationship from me becoming a full time mom to teens right off the bat, to teenage pregnancies making me a grandma at 24, to the kids mother dying, not to mention the ups and downs of our finances. I have high anxiety amd depression and sometimes it gets hard to handle and im just tired.
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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

The fight was about my 14 year old stepdaughter. She and him have had a hard relationship and she was upset because she thinks he doesnt love her and he had hurt her feelings that day. So I tried to get him to talk to her and he believed he didnt do anything wrong and its her problem. I told him that he was going to loose his family. Because whether he thinks he is right or wrong she is hurting and he needs to talk to her. That set him off...because he said I was bashing him and I came at him wrong and I brought out his *******......well at the end of it all he did talk to her and clear the air and she tellse she is ok woth him now. But him amd I are still iffy. He acts like everything is fine....but im still not ok with how things went down between him and I.
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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I hate to say it, but cigarettes are the least of your guys problems. I'm a recovering addict/ alcoholic myself, and I know you have to quit for yourself and no one else. It's like the serenity prayer says, "accept what you can't control." Are you guys in any 12 step program?
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He (and you) have so many different stresses, that if he breaks down and smokes now and then.... I can understand if you are disappointed, but don't go off on him. He's TRYing to do the right thing for everyone else, and this is HIS vice. 

Let this one go.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Quitting is easy for some but not all. Its hard. Im ok for 3 days, but after day 3 I become a lunatic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have seen a lot of people quite smoking using ecigarettes. 

They do this by starting with the fluid with the level of nicotine for the number of cigs/packs a day they smoke. Then over time they can step down. People I know who have tried everything and failed have had success with ecigs.

I'm not talking about the ones that they sell right next to cigarettes. Those are expensive.

You can get them at an ecig smoke ship. They are also about half or less the cost of cigarettes.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

What a slime ball. I mean if he's not going to stop do meth.... oh wait I mean shooting heroin.... oh wait I mean to hitting morphine.... oh wait I mean stop popping barbituates..... oh wait smoking pot.... oh wait I mean being an alcoholoc..... oh wait I mean smoking cigarettes. 

In all seriousness, cigs are small potatoes compared to character. If his nicotine habit is but one symptom of larger problems then yea it's a big deal. But being overweight for example is equally unhealthy. Maybe you're super healthy? I don't know.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't minimise a person's feelings, because you aren't in their shoes and you don't know how they're feeling. You might not have a problem with your partner smoking when you are trying to quit for the sake of your health and your children's health. Good for you. Who the f*ck cares. The thread isn't about you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MotherNature said:


> First off I know my profile says homosexual. This is false. Im a straight married female with 5 stepchildren and 2 biological


Why does your profile say you are homosexual? 

:scratchhead:


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

I have no idea why it says that. I signed up on my mobil phone and I have tried to find where to change it because I never set that up to say that.
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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

I understand where some peopke may think im over reacting. I get that and maybe I am. 

I guess my thought process is, it hurts to see him make so much progress and then take a step back. Its dissapointing, and it doesnt just affect him. It affects his whole family. We want him around not shortning his lifespan. We also dont want to smell it or have the secondhand smoke affect us. 

Yes we are both in a 12 step program that has saved our lives. I know he has to do it for himself but I also know without consequences or pain a person wont stop an addiction. I dont want his breaking point to be lung cancer. Maybe im pushing too hard, ive taken our health very serious since I got clean. We eat very clean, minimal caffine, we pay attention to physical fitness and what we put into our bodies. At least I do and the kids are following suit too. My stepson even told me he has noticed a difference on how he feels when he eats something not so good for him.

I asked him why he did it and he said because he was mad. Which makes me feel like he just did it to hurt me.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But look at the big picture... Yeah, his response was to throw a hissy fit and buy a pack of cigarettes. Maybe even take up smoking, hopefully temporarily. But he didn't fall off the wagon on whatever substances he was on before, right? So yes, be disappointed. But also recognize the improvements in how he handled it. 

I'd say enforce your boundaries that you feel you need to enforce. No smoking in the house or car, he washes his own clothes, you won't kiss him when he has ashtray breath... But nagging and lecturing isn't going to get him to stop. 

C
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MotherNature said:


> I have no idea why it says that. I signed up on my mobil phone and I have tried to find where to change it because I never set that up to say that.
> ]


Funny. :rofl:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

We all self medicate in one way or another. You are right to want the best choices of self medication for him. 

I am hearing high levels of frustration in him, you and the daughter. Unresolved pressure drives people to self medicate to cope with the pain. Look for the spots that can be resolved and take the pressure off. Pain reduces from that side requiring less desire for self medication. You are focusing on his choice of self medication out of fear and are reacting in attempts to control which will shut him down. I would ask him to make a better choice, and place a boundary then leave him alone. This man needs space.

Instead of forcing the dad and daughter together, set a time and date for you guys to sit down to get it resolved, until then, give them space to calm down. Encourage him to consider resolution with his daughter with the focus of preventing his own relapses as well. Constructive accountability puts on the right kind of pressure he can resolve through right choices. Blame can be destructive and non resolvable creating huge emotional pressure. High emotional pressure causes people to either implode, explode or leave. Its wise to seek the right kind of pressure to cause right choices.

And it is a healthy boundary for you to let him know that the times he chooses to self medicate through cigarettes that you will be refraining from laundering his clothes during those times. When he chooses better let him know you would be more than happy to help with his laundry. Look into the boundary books by Townsend. Would probably be a good addition to the work you guys are already doing.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i wouldnt build resentment over it. 

im kinda in the same boat. i want to quit, but its not easy on my wife. she started doing pretty good on some smoking cessation medication, but they absolutely abolished her sex drive, so she stopped taking them. it wasnt bothering me so much, but it really bothered her. 

we are going to be separated for a few months pretty soon, so she plans to take the medication then, while im not there. i could get upset with her, because it IS really hard to quit when you live with someone who smokes, but whats the point? 

and yes, i do understand the guilt and irritation of feeling weak when i light up after having completely quite, just because i saw HER smoking. thats my problem though. its not her fault that i pick it back up. i COULD just keep distracting myself and finding something else to do while she goes and smokes. 

keep encouraging him to quit, but dont berate him for starting up again from time to time. 

now, as far as quitting goes, i think being in good shape helps with it. i can run two miles in under 11 minutes. i dont know if my wife can even run two miles... but its much easier for me to quit than it is for her. from what i have seen, people who are in good shape seem to have an easier time quitting. im not sure why that is...


one last thing... when my wife first tried to quit, the nicotine withdrawals made her very cranky. we ended up in a lot of arguments. when we tried quitting together later on, both of us got cranky for the first few days. watch out for that and forgive the crankiness. we will say a lot of dumb stuff when we are going through withdrawals.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Click User CP (at top of page)
Click Edit your details.
Scroll down to sexual orientation


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

Chantix. You can quit with smokers around. It is possible. Smoking is harder to quit than a lot of other drugs. You have a habitual, mental and physical addiction going on all at the same time. If you have someone after you about quitting all the time, it makes it harder. If he keeps smoking, he's not ready to quit. Focus on yourself. Try chantix. Those vape things aren't quitting - you are just replacing and you are not addressing the addiction.
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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> What a slime ball. I mean if he's not going to stop do meth.... oh wait I mean shooting heroin.... oh wait I mean to hitting morphine.... oh wait I mean stop popping barbituates..... oh wait smoking pot.... oh wait I mean being an alcoholoc..... oh wait I mean smoking cigarettes.
> 
> In all seriousness, cigs are small potatoes compared to character. If his nicotine habit is but one symptom of larger problems then yea it's a big deal. But being overweight for example is equally unhealthy. Maybe you're super healthy? I don't know.


Cigarettes are not better than pot. (?) I know that wasn't the point you were tryingto make but I just had to throw that out there.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Escaflowne said:


> Cigarettes are not better than pot. (?) I know that wasn't the point you were tryingto make but I just had to throw that out there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps from a health perspective they're not. But considering her husband is a felon and pot is illegal in most areas, I'd say that cigarettes are "better" than many options. Plus I've never heard of anyone getting an impaired driving charge or failing a random drug test for cigarettes...

C
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MotherNature said:


> He is very hard working. He is the most hardworking man I know. And I do admire him for that. I guess its such a big deal to me is because he started smoking again to get back at me and it infuriates me.


That's what's called a Disrespectful Judgment. You don't KNOW that he started just to 'get at' you. And it's dangerous (to your relationship, obviously) to make assumptions when you aren't him.

It happened at a stressful time so he, like YOU, probably reached for it because he was stressed.

Seems like you both need some time with a therapist to learn better coping mechanisms.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> Perhaps from a health perspective they're not. But considering her husband is a felon and pot is illegal in most areas, I'd say that cigarettes are "better" than many options. Plus I've never heard of anyone getting an impaired driving charge or failing a random drug test for cigarettes...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But pass a random drug test as long as you did the meth at least 36 hours before you took the test. Pot lasts longer in your system. It's a non-violent, calming, non-addictive plant with no negative heath consequences, but chalk full of cures. Cigarettes are another story. Did you know a child can develop asthma just from repeated exposure tothe second hand smoke left on your clothes? They don't have to be near the actual smoke at all.

Again, sort of off topic. My apologies to op. I quit successfully after 10 failed attempts. My fiance won't even try. It makes me mad, honestly, it does. But I know the feeling of having someone constantly criticize me when I was a smoker (sister) and it was nauseatingly annoying and made me want to smoke more. The op should be supportive, even if he has 50 failed attempts - at least he is trying. He shouldn't have to hide or have the pack ripped from his handeverytime he decides he's not quite ready to quit. It's a tough journey - quitting smoking. I've been quit nearly 2 years and I still think about it every single day of my life.
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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OP, is everything your husband does about you?

If not, realize that he's on his own journey, and encouragement rather than negative reinforcement, is the way to go.

If you don't want to be around him when he smokes, your prerogative. 

You telling him what to do is way out of line.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Thank you for your input. Ive read some helpful things from some of you. 

Some clarification. ....in the heat of seeing him light up a cigarette in my face out of spite (because thats what he admitted it was) I told him to give me the cigarette (I did not snatch or grab, I held my hand out) when he said no. I turned around and went inside. I did not yell at him or anything. I posted on here to vent my anger out about it. 

I have talked to him about it. Calmly. I asked him why he bought them. He said because he was angry. I asked if he was going to buy more. He said no. I asked him if he could understand why I have concerns. And he said yes and walked away.

Because of hurtful things he said to me during the argument and the spitful cigarette light up. Ive just been distant from him. He asked me what was wrong and I said . Im just not ok with you right now. To which he is now angry at me for and said I was a jerk.

He has never handled me being mad at him well.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what are you two doing to work on your communication/conflict resolution skills?

C
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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MotherNature said:


> I understand where some peopke may think im over reacting. I get that and maybe I am.


They're your boundaries so only you can choose how important each one is.

It just seems like you and this guy have overcome some tough hurdles together. Getting clean is tough and dealing with two kids and five step kids is too. I picked up on what someone else mentioned where you said if you told him to go then that would be that. But once you clarified what you meant by that, it's sounded more like a positive than a drawback.

If cigarettes are a show stopping boundary it may get bumpy for both of you.

One thing I disagree with though is that you're making him responsible for your habit and inability to kick it. Yes it would help but still.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Im not sure. We were going to do this weekend marriage retreat this month but finances wouldnt allow. A few months ago we did this marriage 30 day challenge thing that helped. We also did the love language quiz because I was unhappy with our sex life. Truthfully I feel its because we dont have just me and him time. Or like a scheduled date night or weekly meeting just me and him to talk about whats going on. Our schedule with his random work and the kids makes it hard. I guess we just have to knuckle down and do something
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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

At this point I dont feel like im in danger of picking up again. I have a vapor machine I use if I get the urge. Its more about I want him to be healthy and be around for us. I love him and I dont want to see him putting all that crap into his body anymore. But I cant force him. We have talked about it in the past. It was just hard because he was doing so well for months. Hasnt had anything since Feb. I didnt dog on him but im not going to act like im ok with it.
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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You know what finally kicked my habit? Running. Every. Day. Not being able to breath changes your feelings about smoke really quick. I was one of those stress and habit smokers. Any stress and I went for a cig. Had to have a smoke with a beer. Had to smoke when socializing etc etc. Feeling like I was doing a healthy thing running... made me not want to screw up the streak, not to mention, I kinda like breathing.

I'm not even a fan of running. I just knew that getting that post-run feeling tended to make me not want a cig the rest of the day at least. So I came up with a silly reward for running scheme. I have a big dry erase calendar and put a motorcycle track day (my fav hobby) at the end of the month - and I only got to go if I run EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Rain or shine. Zero excuses. Run. First thing in the morning... running and struggling for air reminding myself why I hate cigs. I told everyone I knew about it. I logged my runs on an app that tracks your run w GPS so I couldn't weasel out lol. I even had the director of the trackday org I ride with, a friend of mine, not let me register for another event unless I could show him a whole months worth of runs on the app. haha

Running made me hate smoking, and if I didn't run, I'd never get my track day. Today, I hate smoking... period. Whether I run or not. I'd tried to quit dozens of times, but it was making me FEEL the negative affects from smoking (omg running sucks when you smoke!) and giving myself a reward to chase that finally did the trick. I've been smoke free for about two years now. 

Good luck to you. Don't take it out on hubs too much, as long as he keeps trying. You can reach a point where you stop trying just to avoid the attacks that come when you fail.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MotherNature said:


> He has never handled me being mad at him well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now would be a good time to start discussing boundaries and consequences.

And Dr. Harley advises that you spend at least 15 hours a week together doing non-work/chores/kids/tv things. To stay in love, you have to spend time together doing bonding activities. Even if it's just sharing a cup of coffee for 10 minutes; things add up.


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