# Happier without you



## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Good Afternoon Everyone, don't really know if I'm doing this right, so here we go.
I am 32 years old, my "wife" 30 and our little guy is almost 3  
I will kind of start from where we are at right now and them have some flashbacks, as we get in to it:
3 days ago "wife" asked for a divorce out of the blue through an argument, I (being the nice guy) kept my cool and thought to myself (she's being hormonal), and told her that she needs to calm down and talk about this with a chilled mind.
(not the first time she asked for a divorce, we did the whole MC thing, the MC said after a few sessions that she needed to work on the "wife" alone or the "wife" could go to another C if she pleases, she chose the same MC. a few weeks went by and things start to be better, I started to feel better and work on my codependence issues, "wife" stoped going to the sessions).
She kept freaking out, so I left the room and went to DS bedroom.
Next day we didn't socialized at all in the morning, when I came back home from work, she was also back from work looking for day care for DS and a place for her, her mentioning that someone would have to grab DS from daycare everyday at 5:30, I said that I would do it (I have a flexible schedule at work) as more time I can spend with DS better and I said that: If we are going ahead with this I want 50% custody and that all I care is him (DS), thinking that she would back off.
Next morning she mentioned that she couldn't find a place that accept pets and that she didn't know what to do with the dog, I said: I will take the dog too, and when I left the door to go to work, it sinked in that, it was serious. So I drove to work bawling my eyes like a little girl, my whole word collapsed, again, that's when I found TAM, and read some of the stories in here (Hermes, and Stallion, so far). 
After that I went to a buddy's place, had a beer and decided that not only, I am going through with this, I am also starting the 180 as soon as this beer is done, had a deep breath and chugged...
When I got home, I asked her if she had found a place yet (our DS is with MIL camping), to witch she replied: You are going full speed on this, to witch I responded: No, you started this and I am going to finish, and walked away.
I love my wife very dearly, but in the same token, I don't want the BS in my life anymore.
Any thoughts?
and thank you all in advance


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Telling her that you are going full speed is not doing the 180. Asking her if she's found a place and that you are going full speed is not doing the 180. It's baiting her.

It sounds to me like she's backing down. Of course she find a place with that takes pets. It just takes more time.

Right now I think you would do best to say very little to her except what's needed to get through a day. No arguing, no emotional talks.

Get in touch with an attorney ASAP and find out your rights. For example why would you allow her to move out with your son? The house you live in is your son's legal residence. Generally a parent cannot just move a child out of the family home with out the other parent's permission. So unless you are ok with her getting more than 50% custody and primary custody don't let her move your son without talking to an attorney.

After you have talked to an attorney, then tell her that you are tired of her divorce threats. It's a form of emotional blackmail that you will no longer tolerate. Ask her if she's serious about wanting a divorce. Tell her to think real hard before she answers because she gets one chance here. It's "yes" or "no" answer. No big discussion.

If she says "yes" tell your attorney to file the divorce and serve her. Tell her that she can move out but she cannot remove your son from the family home (if your attorney backs this up).

My 2cents for what its worth.


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

She is not taking our DS, I have already Asked her if she was sure that is what she want, and she replied with a Yes and that we would share the little guys equally, also my judgement still clouded so when she mentioned that she was having a hard time finding a new place, I told her that she can stay until she finds a place in a nice are. 
For some reason, now I want her to leave, I don't know if it is right or wrong...?
Want her go fix herself before we try again, if we ever do...


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Also I don't know if I'm just being a ahole or doing it right, in going through with this. To tell you the true, I feel like crap and dirty in doing this...


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

So stop.

Get a plan in place and stop moving this down the road using emotion as your fuel. Feel your feelings and emotions, but they are just that. They are not reality, and certainly not basis for action. 

Read more. The 180 or variant thereof is for you to begin getting yourself together and to be able to manage yourself. It is a great way to stop your Co-D behaviour/interactions if you have any.

Read. If you are Co-D, I recommend you read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. It is a must. 

Take care of yourself and your kid. See an attorney. Don't announce it and use it as a weapon. Quietly seek counsel in order to see what your rights/responsibilities in a divorce are. 

IC: If you need it, get it. You have some contribution to the marriage breakdown. Believe it. Own it and and fix it. 

HL


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, sounds like you are just upset and have had it with your threats. But you really are not sure that you want a divorce.

So just don't push it. Let it be her choice is she goes.

Generally, once a couples is separated they don't get back together. Separations are often used as stepping stones used by the person who is leaving to ease into a divorce.

I think you need to let her know that you don't want her to leave. But if she does, you will take it very seriously as it's a statement of her wanting a divorce. Just say that and nothing more.. stick to the 180. Concentrate on yourself, you son and your job.

See where things are in a week.

I hate to bring this up because you are already in a bad place, but is there any chance that she's cheating. Moving out to get space and work on one's self is often cheater code for "There is someone I want to date. And I obviously cannot live here and date them."

Is her cell phone password protected?

Does she protect it? Keep it on her?

Does she text a lot? Talk on it a lot? 

Have you checked her cell phone bill to see if there is one number she's talking/texting to a lot?

Does she spend a lot of time on the computer?

If you find something that looks like she's cheating, do not confront her right away. You need to be smart about it. So if you want support on it, post it here and we can help you work through if you have enough evidence and how/when to confront her.


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I assume full responsibility for my acts and know that, I have a great deal of responsibility in our breakdown, I know that I have neglect her in the past (we are together for 11 years), I know that I enable her to control me and go along with the drama, I sometimes didn't show enough care and love (I don't agree in her being jealous of the attention that I give the little guy).
I have being working on myself (baby steps), got a gym membership, witch I haven't frequented in over 2 months (let that slip).
I don't know what I am doing at the moment, that's why I'm here...
A little of a back story.
Last week my W and BIL went to a 4 days music festival (not that it is relevant, but for the last 9 years I haven't left the house for more than a day without her, not even work trips, every time I would even mention that I want to do something with a friend or so, it would turn in to a huge argument). When she came back, I felt something was of, she laid in bed for the most part of the day for 2 days in a row, I asked what was wrong and she replied that she had a bad cold, I asked if she needed anything to witch the reply was always tea. A common friend also notice the change in behavior and said that seems like she was coming down from a coke hangover (witch I haven't done but have a open mind about it, in stances like a music festival with her brother, she does not do it regularly, but I know she did the last time, they went to the same festival).
As we both work, her being the hardest worker I know, we didn't do any activities, except by watching shows together and talking, until Friday night (MIL had the little guy for the night so we could go and have so fun) when we went to a business party and had a few drinks, witch usually leads to having some fun in the sac, that night she was off, and I let it be and tried to cuddle to witch she also resisted.
Saturday she worked all day and I had fun with the little guy, by taking him to farm and the mall to by a gift to a friend of my wife (she was pleased that I did that for her and thanked me, I thought it was no big deal) 
Sunday we went to the farm again and shot a few rounds together, while Grampa had fun with the little guy.
Monday her mom went camping and wife followed with DS, she spent the night at the camp site and came back in the morning, got ready, we kissed and she left to do payroll at the business, I left shortly after to work as well.
Here is when it started, she called me at 11 asking me to go to the camp site again, to witch I replied that I couldn't because I have to finish a project by tonight, but would love to go tomorrow, her reply being: I work tomorrow so wont work, I replied: well I'm working right now so I can't also.
She came to my office by 2 pm asking me again to go camping with them and again I replied that I can't until I finish the project. She stormed off the office, me chasing her asking for a hug and a kiss, she never looked back.
at 4:50 (I'm good with numbers and have a ok memory) she called me again asking me to ??? go camping, I said I'm not done yet, she hangup. At 630 she texted me a list worth about 400 dollar in booze, at 6:50 I was done work and replied that I'm tired and don't feel like driving for 2 hours, love you and see you tomorrow.
On my way back my neighbor and friend asked me to join him for a beer and to watch a recording of the America's got Talent, he recorded it for me, because I following the two magicians...
When I was at about 3/4 of my beer she stormed through his door (she was camping???) and sad in a rude tone for me to go home with her now. I apologized to my friend and followed her, on my first thread is what happened next.

So right now I am shocked, confused, angry and very sad, all at once, feels like I'm nuts and am a monster accordingly to what she was saying.


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, sounds like you are just upset and have had it with your threats. But you really are not sure that you want a divorce.
> 
> So just don't push it. Let it be her choice is she goes.
> 
> ...


I have access to all the electronics, a affair was my first thought, I have checked her phone and didn't see anything suspicious, I son't feel right in invading one's privacy, but I have a Son with her and don't want a posOM breaking us apart.
Though I don't check on her 24/7, so it is a possibility, witch would suck very bad  
I have being loyal for 11 years but there were instances where I did doubt her fidelity in the past, (part of issues that I had, years ago, now I had full trust in her)


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I apologize for being in a row in here.
In a side note when I called the MIL to talk to the little guy, she asked Me, if I was cheating on her daughter, I laughed and called her an idiot (we have a close relationship, but of course, she is closer to her daughter). That, made me ponder...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you told her that you were too tired to go meet up with her. But then you went and socialized with a friend.

And you don't see why she might be upset that it looks like you just did not want to spend time with her?

Does she often get upset if you do things with someone other than her?

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you doing things that the both of you enjoy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> I apologize for being in a row in here.
> In a side note when I called the MIL to talk to the little guy, she asked Me, if I was cheating on her daughter, I laughed and called her an idiot (we have a close relationship, but of course, she is closer to her daughter). That, made me ponder...


Why would your wife think you are cheating on her?

Perhaps you need to call your MIL back and ask her why she asked that question. Find out what your wife has been telling her.

Your wife was gone a few days recently. What did you do while she was gone? Is there anyone woman who you are even just friends with?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

No, I told her that I was to tired to drive for 2 hours to go to the camp site (she was already there) and yes she is very possessive about my time, and alais gets upset if I do anything with someone other than her, I like target practicing with a common friend, Sunday I sent him away so that my wife and I could shoot (she doesn't like firearms, but did with me, I thought that was nice).
And I at home most of the time, but when she come home from work she lay in bed and read until I fall asleep(who reads everyday for 6 hours, everyday) , I already brought that up to her, nothing changed, is like she's not even there...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why would your wife think you are cheating on her?
> 
> Perhaps you need to call your MIL back and ask her why she asked that question. Find out what your wife has been telling her.
> 
> Your wife was gone a few days recently. What did you do while she was gone? Is there anyone woman who you are even just friends with?


No woman contact, I had a business partner who happened to be a girl, I ended up selling my portion of the company, because it was causing jealousy problems...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why would your wife think you are cheating on her?
> 
> Perhaps you need to call your MIL back and ask her why she asked that question. Find out what your wife has been telling her.
> 
> Your wife was gone a few days recently. What did you do while she was gone? Is there anyone woman who you are even just friends with?


 When she was gone I took time of work to look after our little guy for the 4 days...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Am I plan B?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> Am I plan B?


Plan B?

What/who do you think is Plan A?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Plan A would be someone else in the picture, just trying to be logical and understanding the facts and behaviour...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet is that when you told your wife that you did not want to dive 2 hours to where she was, she got upset and drove home. She figured that you would be there. 

But instead she found you at your friend's house. So to her it looks like you lied.. .like you had other plans and so told her that you would not go to where she was.

It does sound like your wife assumes that you were (or are) having an affair with your business partner. Do you ever see your business partner any more? How long has it been since you saw her?

You say that your wife spends 6 hours a day reading after work? do you watch your son then while she reads? Does she just go to work and read at home? That's it?

This sounds like a tangled mess. You and your wife need to be spending about 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy. Without this kind of quality time you cannot have a strong emotional bond. It sounds like you two have just grown apart. Both of you are suffering for it but don't know how to fix it. So your wife is trying to control you and you are in react mode.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> Plan A would be someone else in the picture, just trying to be logical and understanding the facts and behaviour...


Well you cannot be Plan B is she's not having an affair. And you cannot prove that she is having an affair... so no, right now you are not Plan B and on one else is Plan A.


But you have a very broken marriage. Your wife seems to be very jealous and controlling.

Why is she jealous of the time you spend with your son? How much time do you spend with him? Do you turn her down when she wants time with you so that you can be with him?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Yes, I do watch the little guy (another issue that I have with her) I agree in me being in react mode, sometimes when she says stay home with me as I do and try to interact, she slips away to go read, I put the little guy to bed, give her a kiss witch I usually get no response, so I walk to the neighbour's place (a old army vet) to in my head prove a point. 
And no, I have no contact with the business partners, a brother and syster for a few months...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

she's jealous of the time I spend with anyone, and no, I never turn her down, I'm a affection ****...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that when you told your wife that you did not want to dive 2 hours to where she was, she got upset and drove home. She figured that you would be there.
> 
> But instead she found you at your friend's house. So to her it looks like you lied.. .like you had other plans and so told her that you would not go to where she was.
> 
> ...


 That's it for reading and going home except when she goes out worth friends...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I don't want to make her the bad guy...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> Yes, I do watch the little guy (another issue that I have with her) I agree in me being in react mode, sometimes when she says stay home with me as I do and try to interact, she slips away to go read, I put the little guy to bed, give her a kiss witch I usually get no response, so I walk to the neighbour's place (a old army vet) to in my head prove a point.
> And no, I have no contact with the business partners, a brother and syster for a few months...


You put your son to bed. Then instead of spending time with your wife you leave and go hand out with a friend? How often do you do this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> she's jealous of the time I spend with anyone, and no, I never turn her down, I'm a affection ****...


Do you mean that if she wants you to just sit and talk with her, you'll always do that? Or do you mean if she wants sex, you'll glad to have sex with her?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I would love to have sex, I'm horny all the time, I would take any chance I have, and yes, if she wants me to just sit and talk I will, and as for leaving, sometimes, sometimes I just go to bed and stare at the ceiling, I don't believe in forcing my way in for sex, I respect her space, though I like the touching and cuddling...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

she always said that it was the best sex she ever had, except when we were talking details for the separation, she said that the sex was dirty?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she ever complain that you don't spend time with her?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does she ever complain that you don't spend time with her?


 All the time...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I asked her mom about the cheating thing...Just out of curiosity, why did you ask if I was cheating on M? 
Because I just asked what was on my mind and one other time when you guys were having problems, I asked her the same question
You know me, I'm straight with both you kids. She was mad at me when I asked her last time you guys were splitting up. It's not a big deal, a friend might ask either one of you the same question! I think it's crazy and you both need time out. Why destroy Love. She needs counsiling still but whether money or time....you guys should rethink this for at least J's sake and both try to work at fixing things. Love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> All the time...


If she is always complaining that you do not spend enough time with her, why don't you spend more time with her?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Because there are only 24 hours in a day, I feel like calling her right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> Because there are only 24 hours in a day, I feel like calling her right now...


So you have no time for your wife. Is this what you are saying?

If you do not put your first, your marriage will fall apart. That's what's happing.


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

that's not what I'm saying, when she is willing to allow me in, I'm there, when she closes, there is not much I can do about it, but I do agree that I should spend more time with her, then again, it is a little late for that right? , you can blame me for that I will take it, that is one of the causes, not the momentary situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> that's not what I'm saying, when she is willing to allow me in, I'm there, when she closes, there is not much I can do about it, but I do agree that I should spend more time with her, then again, it is a little late for that right? , you can blame me for that I will take it, that is one of the causes, not the momentary situation


What do you mean "when she will allow me in" and "when she closes"?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

sometimes she's there so we hang then she starts to read and I sit there talking by myself, I know it sounds weird and that's the best way I can explain. It's not cool and goes way deeper, she went through a lot (her parents used to fight a lot, like physical fights, then we looked after her dad, while he was dying of cancer while we were in a strange country), reading keep her mind out of things as she frases.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did you say "Because there are only 24 hours in a day". That makes it sound like you don't have time to spend with her.

ETA: She says that you don't spend enough time with her. What does she want you to do with her? How would she like to spend the time?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

Always, when I ask her what do you feel like doing, there is never a strait response.
As an update, when I got home from work she was gone so, I went to the movies, to watch the guardians of the galaxy, I want her to be with me, felt wrong doing that by myself, when I got home at 11 30, she was sleeping already, this morning she came to our ds befriend where I was sleeping to grab some clothes, I was already awake, I said, good morning she respond that she was late to work on a nice tone, after she left I did some laundry and now I feel worse than yesterday, like my heart is in my stomach, having a hard time keeping my composure...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you have no time for your wife. Is this what you are saying?
> 
> If you do not put your first, your marriage will fall apart. That's what's happing.


If you do not put your ? first....


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

I think she meant :your wife, though since my son was born I put him first and that's not going to change...I rather not being the perfect husband, than being a bad father.
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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Remove the terms perfect husband and father from your mindset. It's unobtainable. There is no perfection when dealing with humans. 

At some point you need to realize that you need to put your self first. GASP!!! Putting your spouse first in a marriage sets the stage for disaster. It sounds like the right thing to do, but can lead (and often does) to putting the other on a pedestal. Pedestalization (if that is a word....) leads to understandably dire consequences. One spouse becomes the important one, the other.... not so much. Big relationship power imbalance. Respect is lost, one spouse walks away for greener pastures. 

Make yourself the priority. Make yourself whole. No one else will do this. This means you meet your obligations and don't be a self-centered clown. Take care of your people, but take care of yourself first. 

When you meet your own needs and make yourself a priority, you come to the relationship table happier and healthier. You can participate in a relationship or a marriage. A relationship/marriage is only a part of you. You're so much more, and when it begins to define you, this is where the weeds of Co-D begin growing (thanks, Conrad - we miss you). When you spend all of your time always putting the other first, your needs will not be met. This will lead to expectations of reciprocity which will not be met. This leads to resentment. I think you can see where this is going. 

You are responsible for meeting your needs. Believe it. Your wife isn't - your kid isn't. You are. 

I suggest reading "Awareness" by Anthony DeMello and the "Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. Lots more insight into that I've broached. 

HL


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You will make yourself a bad husband if you do not put your wife first. The best thing you do for your kid is love and cherish his mother, and show him what a loving marriage is. (IMO)

Don't ask your wife to do things- just plan something out and invite her along. Something fun, without your child. 

Good luck!


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

scatty said:


> You will make yourself a bad husband if you do not put your wife first. The best thing you do for your kid is love and cherish his mother, and show him what a loving marriage is. (IMO)
> 
> Don't ask your wife to do things- just plan something out and invite her along. Something fun, without your child.
> 
> Good luck!


Marriage is a two way street. Who is the wife putting first in your scenario?


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

helolover said:


> Remove the terms perfect husband and father from your mindset. It's unobtainable. There is no perfection when dealing with humans.
> 
> At some point you need to realize that you need to put your self first. GASP!!! Putting your spouse first in a marriage sets the stage for disaster. It sounds like the right thing to do, but can lead (and often does) to putting the other on a pedestal. Pedestalization (if that is a word....) leads to understandably dire consequences. One spouse becomes the important one, the other.... not so much. Big relationship power imbalance. Respect is lost, one spouse walks away for greener pastures.
> 
> ...


 Thank you so much  this makes completely sence, I always thought that putting my wife first, was the right thing to do, now this is were that brought me, when the little guy was born I put him first, but if I can't look after my self I won't to be able to look after anybody... She told me before that I changed and am no longer the man she married, no wonder, I changed my self to accommodate her needs forgetting my own, I'm fighting to the end and changing my core, is no easy task, I so hope God it is not to late to fix things...
And what happen to Conrad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bodinho said:


> Thank you so much  this makes completely sence, I always thought that putting my wife first, was the right thing to do, now this is were that brought me, when the little guy was born I put him first, but if I can't look after my self I won't to be able to look after anybody... She told me before that I changed and am no longer the man she married, no wonder, I changed my self to accommodate her needs forgetting my own, I'm fighting to the end and changing my core, is no easy task, I so hope God it is not to late to fix things...


You do have to put yourself first. Your wife should be second and your son third. Your son needs a for his parents to have a strong, healthy relationship because that is what gives him a strong foundation for life.

If you put your son first, above your wife, then how can you say that you put her needs above your own?

From what you have said, it sounds like your wife feels like you have pushed her aside.


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## Bodinho (Aug 1, 2014)

What about how I feel? She didn't care about, what kind of consequences asking for a divorce, out of the blue would cause my son and I, who's being selfish here?
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