# Husband wants another child, I don't.....



## Kermitty

How do you talk through this sort of conflict. It's not one of those situations where a compromise can be reached. Either we have another child or we don't. Has anyone been in this situation and what did you end up doing?


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## daffodilly

Have to know more of your situation to comment. Is it a firm 'no" for you?

In general, I take the stance that if one parent does NOT want a child, you shouldn't have one. It's just a huge lifelong responsibility to force on someone...and the innocent child is ultimately the one who gets hurt and suffers when s/he comes on to a scene where both parents are not accepting. 

But usually, you just DO have to talk about it...hear both sides and pros and cons to both.


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## Kermitty

I would say it is 98% no. I do think it would be good for my son to have a sibling but as I discussed in another thread, that doesn't seem like the only reason to do it. Also hearing how much it would mean to my husband to have another child makes me think I may be making a mistake. 
I know he doesn't want to wait too long to have another because in his words, he doesn't want to be too old to enjoy the child. So there is this pressure of either do it now or don't do it at all. Not to mention I am 36 and those eggs aren't getting any younger....
I had always thought i would have two but after having the first and seeing just how hard it is, I just don't know that I want to do it all over again. I love my son, who is about to turn 4. I enjoy being home with him and teaching him and watching him do new things and grow into this adorable little man. I just don't feel the need to do it again with another. 
I don't feel that my relationship with my husband is that strong right now. I don't plan on ever leaving him but I don't know that he will feel the same way based on what we have been through. It doesn't seem right to bring another child into such a situation. I know he will just say that things will be fine but who can really predict the future.


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## daffodilly

Kermitty said:


> I would say it is 98% no. I do think it would be good for my son to have a sibling but as I discussed in another thread, that doesn't seem like the only reason to do it. Also hearing how much it would mean to my husband to have another child makes me think I may be making a mistake.
> I know he doesn't want to wait too long to have another because in his words, he doesn't want to be too old to enjoy the child. So there is this pressure of either do it now or don't do it at all. Not to mention I am 36 and those eggs aren't getting any younger....
> I had always thought i would have two but after having the first and seeing just how hard it is, I just don't know that I want to do it all over again. I love my son, who is about to turn 4. I enjoy being home with him and teaching him and watching him do new things and grow into this adorable little man. I just don't feel the need to do it again with another.
> *I don't feel that my relationship with my husband is that strong right now. I don't plan on ever leaving him but I don't know that he will feel the same way based on what we have been through. It doesn't seem right to bring another child into such a situation. I know he will just say that things will be fine but who can really predict the future.*


I'd say the boldest part is your biggest argument on not having a child now. Kids add more stress to a marriage, not less. I would start the discussion with this concern. How open would you be to looking at having another child if you two were on solid ground? The tricky thing is one of you has to compromise and it may lead to resentment. So maybe a way to meet some middle ground would be to start here.


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## Kermitty

Well I would be more willing to consider the possibility if our marriage was in a healthier state. He believes our marriage is in a healthy enough state to start talking about it. He did email me just now and apologize for the way the conversation initially went Saturday night. Perhaps if we can both sit down and discuss it calmly, we can make some decision together. Just seems like if one if us doesn't change ones mind, we will be at a stalemate and that may cause conflict in itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights

I felt similarly when we still had just one. I loved her so much, and felt so fulfilled, that I didn't want another one, which surprised me. But H is an only child, and I could see that DD loved to play with other kids, so I went along with having another one. Never once regretted it! My second daughter is an incredibly difficult child, but I'd have her again in a hearbeat. She's as fiercely loving as she is difficult, plus smart, funny, and utterly adorable. And the relationship my girls have with each other is heart-melting.

That said, our marriage has suffered tremendously since she came along. But, the faults were already there. She just added the stress that exposed them. I think things would have broken down eventually any way, because unfortunately there's no escaping difficulty in life. So, maybe she hastened the demise of the marriage, but she certainly didn't cause it.

It's a tough one. I'd theoretically like to have 1 or 2 more, but now things are so bad that there's no way that's ever going to happen. Makes me sad.


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## Kermitty

northernlights said:


> I felt similarly when we still had just one. I loved her so much, and felt so fulfilled, that I didn't want another one, which surprised me. But H is an only child, and I could see that DD loved to play with other kids, so I went along with having another one. Never once regretted it! My second daughter is an incredibly difficult child, but I'd have her again in a hearbeat. She's as fiercely loving as she is difficult, plus smart, funny, and utterly adorable. And the relationship my girls have with each other is heart-melting.
> 
> That said, our marriage has suffered tremendously since she came along. But, the faults were already there. She just added the stress that exposed them. I think things would have broken down eventually any way, because unfortunately there's no escaping difficulty in life. So, maybe she hastened the demise of the marriage, but she certainly didn't cause it.
> 
> It's a tough one. I'd theoretically like to have 1 or 2 more, but now things are so bad that there's no way that's ever going to happen. Makes me sad.


So when you say you went along with it, were you just on the fence and your husband just convinced you? How did you come to just go along with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty

Talked to hubby again last night. He wants time to gather his feelings on the subject but wanted to hear mine again. I told him that we still have a few years and maybe if things continue to improve between us, I may change my mind. He said my not wanting another makes him question the kind of person i am and what my priorities are and perhaps we aren't right for each other. Sheesh, we have one child, it's not like I didn't want any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly

Kermitty said:


> Talked to hubby again last night. He wants time to gather his feelings on the subject but wanted to hear mine again. I told him that we still have a few years and maybe if things continue to improve between us, I may change my mind. *He said my not wanting another makes him question the kind of person i am and what my priorities are and perhaps we aren't right for each other*. Sheesh, we have one child, it's not like I didn't want any.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are the kind of person who puts their marriage, not their children, as a first priority. You are the kind of person who recognizes that children deserve to grow up with two parents who are in a rock stable marriage because that's the kind of security all children need that no amount of money will buy. You are the kind of person that loves your current child enough to do what you can to give him a secure family, and realistic to know that a second child brings added stress to the best couples, never mind stable couples. You are the kind of person who is not shutting the door on this issue, but the kind of person who realizes that if not having another child means your partner wants out of your marriage, then obviously not having another child is the right action.

Sorry, but his response is judgmental, closeminded, and CHILDISH.


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## Kermitty

I was trying not to think that but since you said it, yeah it was all those things. Maybe when he comes back with his reasons for wanting a child, he can clarify what he meant. I'm baffled how after everything we have been through, this is what he considers a sign that we aren't right for each other. 
Thanks for understanding and support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly

He may have been talking emotionally and heat of the moment.

If it helps to get your point across, maybe write down your concerns when you next talk. Point out that while you're not closing the door completely, he is....that's not how compromise and marriage works. Unless he's assuming you don't want to go through the pregnancy. Also, does he help a lot with your current child? I have 3, and while I knew I was done when the twins were 2 and my plate felt full, had hubby really wanted another I would have considered it....only because he is a very hands on dad and we have a good relationship. But if our marriage was on shaky ground or he didn't help out....no way.


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## Theseus

Kermitty said:


> How do you talk through this sort of conflict. It's not one of those situations where a compromise can be reached.


Is adoption a possible compromise?


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## larry.gray

Perhaps this is an extension of hysterical bonding? If you're pregnant with his child, that's one more way of claiming you as totally his.


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## Kermitty

daffodilly said:


> He may have been talking emotionally and heat of the moment.
> 
> If it helps to get your point across, maybe write down your concerns when you next talk. Point out that while you're not closing the door completely, he is....that's not how compromise and marriage works. Unless he's assuming you don't want to go through the pregnancy. Also, does he help a lot with your current child? I have 3, and while I knew I was done when the twins were 2 and my plate felt full, had hubby really wanted another I would have considered it....only because he is a very hands on dad and we have a good relationship. But if our marriage was on shaky ground or he didn't help out....no way.


He is much better now that our son is older. There was a long learning curve. The first year was awful where he admits he was self absorbed and not helpful. I'm pretty sure this time around things will be different or at least he will be able to help with the older one while I'm busy with baby stuff. 

Still he works from 7am-6pm mon-friday. He also travels at least once a month for a few days or more. Thats a lot of time where it's just me. 

It's not really a factor although a slight concern.


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## Kermitty

Theseus said:


> Is adoption a possible compromise?


I think adoption would be a compromise if I couldn't get pregnant or didn't want to be pregnant. 
NOt to mention, adoption can be just as stressful if not more than having your own child. NOt sure how you think that would be a good idea in this situation.


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## Kermitty

larry.gray said:


> Perhaps this is an extension of hysterical bonding? If you're pregnant with his child, that's one more way of claiming you as totally his.


ewwwww.....That's a horrible reason to bring another life into this world. 
I don't think that is the driving force behind him wanting another child. I was always aware he wanted two kids. I was the one that "surprised" him by saying I didn't want to .


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## Kermitty

He did agree last night that maybe our marriage isn't stable enough to have a child right now. In the back of my mind, I"m thinking he has agreed for now because he feels there is still time, biologically speaking. I'll take it. 
He is still thinking about how to put into words why having another child is so important besides the sibling issue and that was always the plan. So we will still be talking about it at some point. I'm just relieved he turned down the pressure nozzle slightly.


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## Tall Average Guy

Kermitty said:


> I was trying not to think that but since you said it, yeah it was all those things. Maybe when he comes back with his reasons for wanting a child, he can clarify what he meant. I'm baffled how after everything we have been through, this is what he considers a sign that we aren't right for each other.
> Thanks for understanding and support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regardless of how you interpret his reasoning, be careful to allow him to express it. They are his feelings, and if he is cut-off from saying them, it will hurt your discussion. Obviously, you don't need to agree with them. Based on your other posts, I hope it is a case of him having difficulty putting into words why this bothers him. Good luck.


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## Kermitty

Tall Average Guy said:


> Regardless of how you interpret his reasoning, be careful to allow him to express it. They are his feelings, and if he is cut-off from saying them, it will hurt your discussion. Obviously, you don't need to agree with them. Based on your other posts, I hope it is a case of him having difficulty putting into words why this bothers him. Good luck.


Absolutely. I am looking forward to hearing his thoughts when he is ready. Maybe something he says will make me rethink how I feel. He says he isn't in a hurry to put together his thoughts since we are both in agreement at the moment.


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## Tall Average Guy

Kermitty said:


> Absolutely. I am looking forward to hearing his thoughts when he is ready. Maybe something he says will make me rethink how I feel. He says he isn't in a hurry to put together his thoughts since we are both in agreement at the moment.


For what it is worth, I don't think I could give a real reason for wanting my second and third child other than our family did not seem complete to me with just one child (fortunately, my wife agreed). I say this not to sway you one way or the other, but rather to note that he reasoning may be nothing more specific, yet may still be a strongly held belief. 

I don't envy you two in dealing with this and hope it works out.


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## Kermitty

Thanks for sharing that. I think in time, it will work out. Nothing else we can do but keep talking it through. As long as the conversation stays fair and calm, it will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights

Kermitty said:


> So when you say you went along with it, were you just on the fence and your husband just convinced you? How did you come to just go along with it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't strongly against having one, and H really didn't like being an only child. Plus I have great relationships with my siblings, and I did want to give that to our daughter. So, I didn't feel any inner desire to have another, but I thought logically it made a lot of sense. I'm more of a logical than emotional decision maker, so it was easy to convince me. (I'm not saying that you're one or the other, just that in my case it was easier because logic was all on one side and emotion was all on the other. I didn't realize how weak our marriage was until after #2 was born. However, if I'd known then what I know now, I'd still have her, because she's just so fantastic and I love her so much.  )


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## Kermitty

northernlights said:


> I wasn't strongly against having one, and H really didn't like being an only child. Plus I have great relationships with my siblings, and I did want to give that to our daughter. So, I didn't feel any inner desire to have another, but I thought logically it made a lot of sense. I'm more of a logical than emotional decision maker, so it was easy to convince me. (I'm not saying that you're one or the other, just that in my case it was easier because logic was all on one side and emotion was all on the other. I didn't realize how weak our marriage was until after #2 was born. However, if I'd known then what I know now, I'd still have her, because she's just so fantastic and I love her so much.  )


I am pretty logical which is probably why I'm having a hard time agreeing to number 2. I am very aware of how weak my marriage is now. Logically it doesn't seem right to bring a child into an unstable situation. If happiness could be measured, will my son not be as happy without a sibling. Logically, I feel like that can't be true. Every reason I have in the cons column is a logical one. As someone stated earlier, my husbands reasons are more emotional. I guess that's what makes this argument so difficult. 

Lets say another child added stress to our marriage that led to our divorce. So my son has a sibling but also divorced parents. In the other scenario, we continue to work on our marriage and we remain happily married. My son is an only child but with parents who are together. Which is the better scenario?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly

Well, you know where I stand on this....the parents together is always a better scenario. Much more likely to have a happy only child than happy children from divorced parents. The latter is not impossible, but harder to achieve. You can always immerse your only child in frequent play dates, sports, extracurriculars, etc.

I'm hoping your husband's emotional reasons will strongly motivate him to focus on getting your marriage on stable ground. Good luck!


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## Kermitty

daffodilly said:


> Well, you know where I stand on this....the parents together is always a better scenario. Much more likely to have a happy only child than happy children from divorced parents. The latter is not impossible, but harder to achieve. You can always immerse your only child in frequent play dates, sports, extracurriculars, etc.
> 
> I'm hoping your husband's emotional reasons will strongly motivate him to focus on getting your marriage on stable ground. Good luck!


I have the same stand. Hubby definitely deserves an enormous amount of credit. At this point, it just comes down to giving things time. We had 4+ rough years. Things only started to turn around 6 months or so ago. Hardly time to celebrate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I do think the parental instinct is very strong and often a deal breaker. My h was previously divorced since his ex w changed her mind on having children. My h is a superior father and adding children to our marriage did not add any stress, but we never have been on rocky terms in our marriage. Each child has their own individual personality. One child might be difficult to raise while the other might be a breeze. You never know.

What did you agree on prior to marriage? My husband was happy with one, but we had two together. I had already brought a child into our marriage. We essentially agreed on having 2 together, which is exactly what happened. I wish I would of had another and I fully regret not doing so. It's too late now. Life took a pretty bad turn as far as my physical health.

Good luck and I wish you the best in whatever happens. Only you and your husband can make this decision together.


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## Kermitty

I can see how not wanting to have any children can be a deal breaker. We already have one though. Wouldn't breaking up the family to have another be counter productive? We had planned on having two all along because we both agreed only children were at a disadvantage. I don't believe that now. 
Thank you for your sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone

Kermitty said:


> How do you talk through this sort of conflict. It's not one of those situations where a compromise can be reached. Either we have another child or we don't. Has anyone been in this situation and what did you end up doing?


I was in that exact situation. Here's how I handled it.

My wife's B-day is Dec. 15th. I took her out for her birthday. We drove about 60 miles to town known for it's antiques, arts, crafts, B&B's etc. A very romantic town. They go all out for Christmas. I told the wife we were just going for a romantic supper. My MIL agreed to baby sit our baby. Besides reservations at a very fancy, romantic restaurant, we had reservations at an old timey Victorian hotel. Very ornate, very romantic. I had a dozen red roses in our room and I brought my little CD player. Unchained melodies was qued up. I used the excuse of going into the hotel to ask directions to the restaurant as the opportunity to check in and get our key. While we're eating, I keep bragging about how beautiful the lobby of the hotel was... with all those ornately decorated Christmas trees etc. I just HAD to take her back by there and show her. I get her down the hall.... find our room. I trap her in the door well with one arm and I'm working the key to get the door open with the other hand. She's panicking.. "You're gonna get us in trouble!!!!" I get the door open... she walks in... looks arround.. sees the dozen red roses. I hit the play button on Unchained Melodies!!! Putty in my hands. Exactly 9 months latter.. to the day... Jessica Jane (JJ) was born. BTW, JJ graduates from HS in 10 days. She has brought nothing but joy to our lives. An absolutely delightful child... who will take care of us when we get older. So, that's how I handled it. JJ was born Sept 15 and I had the sign out front, "God's Littlest Lamb". Three months later... "Lordy, Lordy.. Look who's Forty!" complete with cemetary and a coffin was in the front yard. Like to have killed my wife.


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## Kermitty

hambone said:


> I was in that exact situation. Here's how I handled it.
> 
> My wife's B-day is Dec. 15th. I took her out for her birthday. We drove about 60 miles to town known for it's antiques, arts, crafts, B&B's etc. A very romantic town. They go all out for Christmas. I told the wife we were just going for a romantic supper. My MIL agreed to baby sit our baby. Besides reservations at a very fancy, romantic restaurant, we had reservations at an old timey Victorian hotel. Very ornate, very romantic. I had a dozen red roses in our room and I brought my little CD player. Unchained melodies was qued up. I used the excuse of going into the hotel to ask directions to the restaurant as the opportunity to check in and get our key. While we're eating, I keep bragging about how beautiful the lobby of the hotel was... with all those ornately decorated Christmas trees etc. I just HAD to take her back by there and show her. I get her down the hall.... find our room. I trap her in the door well with one arm and I'm working the key to get the door open with the other hand. She's panicking.. "You're gonna get us in trouble!!!!" I get the door open... she walks in... looks arround.. sees the dozen red roses. I hit the play button on Unchained Melodies!!! Putty in my hands. Exactly 9 months latter.. to the day... Jessica Jane (JJ) was born. BTW, JJ graduates from HS in 10 days. She has brought nothing but joy to our lives. An absolutely delightful child... who will take care of us when we get older. So, that's how I handled it. JJ was born Sept 15 and I had the sign out front, "God's Littlest Lamb". Three months later... "Lordy, Lordy.. Look who's Forty!" complete with cemetary and a coffin was in the front yard. Like to have killed my wife.


Thanks for that detailed account  but I'm not sure how this related to my problem. Are you saying you just got your wife pregnant accidentally even though she didn't want another child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone

Kermitty said:


> Thanks for that detailed account  but I'm not sure how this related to my problem. Are you saying you just got your wife pregnant accidentally even though she didn't want another child?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll be honest. I didn't read the whole thread. I just responded to the OP. IMO, if you're got a good/great marriage.. kids make it better. If you've got a rocky/shaky marriage... kids make it worse.

I will add that my wife has the ability to pretty much talk me into doing what she want's me to do and in the end, she's got me thinking it was my idea in the first place and she's congratulating me for being so smart. In my mind, that's the art of being a women

You want me to ask her how she'd handle it? (Being serious, she's much better at these kinds of things than I am)


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## Kermitty

Hmmm, well that is a talent your wife has although you aware of it and don't mind, so that certainly helps. I don't know that I could manipulate my husband in that manner in this case. Thanks for the offer but I don't see that there is much else we can do except talk it through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone

Kermitty said:


> Hmmm, well that is a talent your wife has although you aware of it and don't mind, so that certainly helps. I don't know that I could manipulate my husband in that manner in this case. Thanks for the offer but I don't see that there is much else we can do except talk it through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it did take me a while to figure out what was happening. The good news is that my wife has a good heart and loves me dearly. She has never taken advantage of her abilities to my detriment. See, my wife isn't controlling. She can't help it if she really does know what's best. In all truthfulness, she's right about 99% of the time and she pretty much let's me have my way except when I'm screwing up or something is really important to her. Not once has she ever embarrassed me in public. I have the most wonderful wife in the world. Now, a man who was less secure than I am would totally disagree with me. What I perceive in her as strengths.. he would perceive as a challenge to his authority. 

Enough about me, my best advice is that you focus on the issue and not on winning the argument. That goes for both parties. Don't let it evolve into a power struggle.

Good luck. I hope you all work things out.


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## Kermitty

hambone said:


> Enough about me, my best advice is that you focus on the issue and not on winning the argument. That goes for both parties. Don't let it evolve into a power struggle.
> 
> Good luck. I hope you all work things out.


That is good advice. I would think that is how any conflict in marriage should be handled. You are lucky that you have such a wonderful wife and she is lucky that you realize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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