# Is My wife testing me



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

In the past my wife will make plans without discussing them with me first, mainly about getting together with her family for a dinner, or holidays plans etc, nothing big just a an afternoon or evening now and then, I made several comments that I would aperciate it if she would talk with me first, respectful thing to do, so even after this talk, she still does on occasion and says something along the lines of 'Hey dad wanted us to come down sunday afternoon for lunch, if you dont want to its ok, but I'm still going" and I wind up going, sometimes changing my plans to do whatever, work in the yard etc etc.
I should note that I did the same as her until she told me that she would apperciate me talking with her first regarding plans, which I have been doing for awhile and have not backslid.

So for this weekend she has made plans for us to go to her parents for easter dinner without us even discussing it me, we have no other plans in place for easter...I am crazy for being upset by this, not pissed just upset...I know what she will say, its ok if I dont want to go, she will go by herself...

My parents invited us over but the live 5hrs away, thinking I should just tell her 'hey you go to your parents and I will go to mine...Bad idea?
How the heck should I respond here?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

The way I see it you have two choices. You can revert back to making plans for the two of you without consulting her, just like she is continuing to do. Or you can just start refusing to go whenever she commits you to do something and doesn't check with you first. About Easter, can you tell her you already told your parents that you both were going to their house? If she says you should have checked with her first you can simply reply "why? you didn't check with me?"


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> The way I see it you have two choices. You can revert back to making plans for the two of you without consulting her, just like she is continuing to do. Or you can just start refusing to go whenever she commits you to do something and doesn't check with you first. About Easter, can you tell her you already told your parents that you both were going to their house? If she says you should have checked with her first you can simply reply "why? you didn't check with me?"


Actually thought of doing that, saying I told my parents we would come, pretty sure I know the answer, she will say 'well why dont you just go to yours if you want and I''ll go to mine"

Just read what I wrote ^^^^^ and if she does answer that way, I'll know how she values me...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would tell her I couldn't go.

Then remind her of my previous request:



> I made several comments that I would aperciate it if she would talk with me first, respectful thing to do


When it comes to holiday stuff and in-laws this is especially true. Both of you need to make plans ahead of time for what you would like to do.

It could very well be that she doesn't want to do these activities with you in the first place and is just 'informing' you of her intent. This way you can't say you weren't invited.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

I wonder if perhaps she was really feeling the need to be with her family this Easter for some reason. Perhaps there was a death in the family this year or something. It may be that for some reason for this one year she was not willing to negotiate and felt no need to discuss it because she was not going to change her mind. 

I feel that even if that was her stance on the situation she should have told you why this was the case. I would suggest that you calmly start a conversation with her about Easter and remind her of your agreement to discuss plans before deciding on them.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

jenniferred said:


> I wonder if perhaps she was really feeling the need to be with her family this Easter for some reason. Perhaps there was a death in the family this year or something. It may be that for some reason for this one year she was not willing to negotiate and felt no need to discuss it because she was not going to change her mind.
> 
> I feel that even if that was her stance on the situation she should have told you why this was the case. I would suggest that you calmly start a conversation with her about Easter and remind her of your agreement to discuss plans before deciding on them.


No no death or anything remotley close to that, her parents live 1/2hr away...there has never been a need for negotiating..just feel slighted that she didnt talk to me first.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

"Honey, I wish you would have checked with me first, like I've asked you to before, because my folks would like to see us for Easter as well."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You train people how to treat you. There needs to be a consequence put in place. You tell her firmly and in short easy to understand words. Something like "if you make ANY plans involving me without asking me first I will NOT go." Period end of story.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> ...there has never been a need for negotiating..just feel slighted that she didnt talk to me first.


Mavash is very right. You teach people how to treat you.

If you've always gone along with this despite your feelings, why is this time any different? That's how she's seeing it.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I would tell her I couldn't go.
> 
> Then remind her of my previous request:
> 
> ...





Kind of got me curious on this one, at all of these family type functions, her family does not talk alot, BIl's,SIL, kids etc, all there..they all just sit around the table, kinda of weird not a lot of interaction going on, sometimes just dead silence and I'm the one that gets conversation going, interacts with the kids, SIL,BIL, etc..No I dont make it all about me...and at other times it just me the wife and her parents...
Maybe I'm the weird one


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> [/U]
> 
> 
> Kind of got me curious on this one, at all of these family type functions, her family does not talk alot, BIl's,SIL, kids etc, all there..they all just sit around the table, kinda of weird not a lot of interaction going on, sometimes just dead silence and I'm the one that gets conversation going, interacts with the kids, SIL,BIL, etc..No I dont make it all about me...and at other times it just me the wife and her parents...
> Maybe I'm the weird one


So you're the life of the party eh? Hmmm. Possibilities are endless.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I sounds like there is a more fundamental problem. If you are a married couple something doesn't seem right about the "You don't have to go if you don't want to" response particularly when taking about traditional family functions. .

It may be a question of ego and control for her. She knows better but for some reason the idea of checking with you first before making plans bothers her. She knows it is wrong and says "You don't have to go" as an excuse

There is an obvious lack of respect and or indifference at work here.

If you haven't done so, make your feelings unmistakable and ask her why she doesn't care if you go?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> [/U]
> 
> 
> Kind of got me curious on this one, at all of these family type functions, her family does not talk alot, BIl's,SIL, kids etc, all there..they all just sit around the table, kinda of weird not a lot of interaction going on, sometimes just dead silence and I'm the one that gets conversation going, interacts with the kids, SIL,BIL, etc..No I dont make it all about me...and at other times it just me the wife and her parents...
> Maybe I'm the weird one


OR... they keep quiet because you're there. I can't imagine going to family functions with my peeps and just sitting there. We're a loud and fun bunch when we get together! And don't bust out a deck of cards or whatever. OMG.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I wouldn't go as tough as some of the other posters. Women do end up making most of the plans. If Easter is real important to your parents, I'd check nicely and see if your wife has a problem. 

As to other dates, if you wanted to do something else, then sometimes do it. Honey if you don't mind, Bob and I were going to see a game, so would you mind going to dinner on your own. 




strugglinghusband said:


> In the past my wife will make plans without discussing them with me first, mainly about getting together with her family for a dinner, or holidays plans etc, nothing big just a an afternoon or evening now and then, I made several comments that I would aperciate it if she would talk with me first, respectful thing to do, so even after this talk, she still does on occasion and says something along the lines of 'Hey dad wanted us to come down sunday afternoon for lunch, if you dont want to its ok, but I'm still going" and I wind up going, sometimes changing my plans to do whatever, work in the yard etc etc.
> I should note that I did the same as her until she told me that she would apperciate me talking with her first regarding plans, which I have been doing for awhile and have not backslid.
> 
> So for this weekend she has made plans for us to go to her parents for easter dinner without us even discussing it me, we have no other plans in place for easter...I am crazy for being upset by this, not pissed just upset...I know what she will say, its ok if I dont want to go, she will go by herself...
> ...


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> OR... they keep quiet because you're there. I can't imagine going to family functions with my peeps and just sitting there. We're a loud and fun bunch when we get together! And don't bust out a deck of cards or whatever. OMG.


Yes got me pondering this, but they are like that, always have been, even when we first started dating, quiet and reserved sort of way,same goes at her grandparents with the aunts and uncles there.
My family is the same as yours loud,rambunctious, lots of talking and interacting (everyone)...like I said maybe I am the odd man out on this one..I dont take over the whole scene and try to be the life of the party, it just seems strange to me and maybe I seem strange to them...it just so quiet and alien to me.

maybe going forward when I do go I'll just sit there with my mouth shut and do what little listening there is to do....


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

There maybe something underlying this behavior, but maybe not.

In any case here is what I would do.

First ask her why she keeps doing this? Try to find if there are deeper issues on why she continues to do so, even after you've let her know it bothers you. You need to have an open communication with each other, no beating around the bush. Let her know that it really upsetting when she does this. I would think any understanding part wouldn't want to upset their partners if they love one another.

If she refuses to compromise or negotiate, then going forward, if she makes further plans without you, I would let her know that it upsets me, and I will not go on future events unless she discusses with you first.

Secondly, you can also start making future events without her. Eventually this could cause huge problems, but sounds like it'll be a problem anyway. But until you figure out why the underlying issues are, the behavior will probably continue. Maybe she has some deep resentment of something from the past, who knows, but it starts with an open communication and letting her know how you feel and what you're willing and not willing to do.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Yes got me pondering this, but they are like that, always have been, even when we first started dating, quiet and reserved sort of way,same goes at her grandparents with the aunts and uncles there.
> My family is the same as yours loud,rambunctious, lots of talking and interacting (everyone)...like I said maybe I am the odd man out on this one..I dont take over the whole scene and try to be the life of the party, it just seems strange to me and maybe I seem strange to them...it just so quiet and alien to me.
> 
> maybe going forward when I do go I'll just sit there with my mouth shut and do what little listening there is to do....


Na. Don't change who you are for them. Be yourself!

They sound like a complete bore anyay. Maybe it's good she goes on her own. She may be trying to spare you the boredom by telling you to go do what you want. 

I would still say something to her about how it upsets you to make plans without telling you first. You can work on it together... AFTER Easter.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Family plans are always with my family, since H's family are scattered and small in numbers. It's not that I exclude him from the decision making...I always mention to him first before accepting; then we go, and he will complain after, that we are always doing stuff with my family...LOL...not my fault! He only has his Dad here, and he's 87 years old, and not much of a talker.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If she would not have any test you can say that in any case she would agree to be after she has set for you then there is nothing but false tested


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