# Newly married & already over?



## Solo00 (Nov 12, 2016)

I have been married for 9 months which has definitely had its ups and down, I knew the first year of marriage and living together would not be easy but I never thought I would be living in a loveless marriage.

OH has given me the silent treatment for two weeks now showing no affection, no intimacy, only talks when he HAS to and have been banned in sleeping in the same bed as him as he is repulsed by me. I asked what I did wrong and apparently I've been doing everything wrong ever since we got married, I'm a pig, not lady like (If I make too much noise for ex. sniffing or blowing my nose etc), I don't clean enough or properly, I throw tantrums, I'm embarrassing the list just goes on & on. He has been verbally abusive to me during our marriage calling me horrible names during big fights we have had or when I have made him angry. 

He told me yesterday he is not in love with me and things will never be ok between us as we have been through the same story for months and months and I haven't changed. No matter how much crying, sticking up for myself or begging I do he has said he does not care and does not feel sorry for me but feels sorry for himself. He wants me to leave but has not kicked me out, so as long as I stay he will continue to act this way towards me.

I'm all alone and scared... I'm not perfect, I always admit my flaws but I'm blaming myself for it all going down hill and gotten to the point where I'm walking on eggshells.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do from here ?.. How am I supposed to fight for my marriage when he won't meet me half way? 
Thanks for reading.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

first, i want to tell you that none of that crap he is putting you through is your fault. your husband is abusive. it is only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive as well. unless he already has and you just havent told us...

my only advice for you is to divorce. you need to divorce him and give him no options. maybe, if he really wants to save his marriage, he will go get help for himself, but even if he does, you still need to push through with the divorce. 

its the only thing that will send a clear message to both yourself and him that you will NOT tolerate such treatment.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Stop begging and start packing. He's abusive and controlling and it is never going to get better.

Do you have children together? What country do you live in? Do you own your own home together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mika1006 (Nov 5, 2016)

Solo00 said:


> I just don't know what I'm supposed to do from here ?.. How am I supposed to fight for my marriage when he won't meet me half way?


I don't get why would you want to save it? He doesn't love you, doesn't speak to you, doesn't sleep with you, humiliates you and wants you out. But you beg and cry? Where is your self respect?

Sent from my LG-H815 using Tapatalk


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Did he possibly marry you for reasons other than the relationship - like insurance or legal status or something?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Why would you want to stay with someone who puts you down and treats you like crap?

Pack up and leave give him what he wants, you are in for one miserable life if you continue to stay. Stop crying and begging this jerk, and respect yourself enough to stop putting up with it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You married a jackass. Maybe go and see a lawyer about an annulment. 


This will not get better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thank God you found out now. Consider it a mistake, but a learning one. Once you're free from him, start reading up about abuse. You need to learn this stuff because people who pick abusers as partners have a much greater chance of picking ANOTHER one, unless they learn about it.

Bottom line, there is NO reason to stay with this person. I know you don't want to leave, but it will NEVER get better. Abusers don't change. It's who they are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Solo00 I think you should go for a divorce or annulment.

Depending on where you live, you need to check with a Solicitor or a lawyer to see if you can just annul the marriage or if you need to get a divorce.

By the way, I know his problem. He thinks you should act like a Lady, yet he refuses to act like a Gentleman.

He has no class, so you should just divorce his... well, just get him out of your life, OK?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

OP, you didn’t say how long you two have been together in total, not just married. What’s the difference since you got married? Has he been treating you this way since you two were boyfriend & girlfriend? If so, why did you go through with the marriage despite the bad treatment? If not, the question is what is the reason for the sudden change in him? Has he become more secretive, always guarding his phone? Is there a lot of unaccounted time in his day? Do you think he might be seeing someone else? Has he ever been unfaithful in the past? What about you? Have you ever been unfaithful now or before?

It is bizarre that someone would tell you they are not in love with you just nine months after saying, “I do”. I hope you are not leaving out any details. TAM can not give you good advice without all the facts.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No one should have to go through the abuse he is putting you through, however, know that there must be reasons as to why he is behaving as he is now. It could be for many reasons - as one poster pointed out - he could have married you because of some financial or social benefit. At the same time, there is a possibility that he felt you pulled a "bait and switch" on him, as you mentioned it started when you two married, and assuming you two never lived together - that could be it. You see, living together breaks down alot of barriers, you start to learn someone's habits, good and bad. There could be something you do that he is repulsed about, enough to rob him of what love he had for you. But assuming that you are telling the wholehearted truth that you have worked to accommodate him - chances are - he has met someone else.

Not often do people love two people at once, often, one becomes repulsive, especially when your heart is taken by another.

Either way, regardless of any number of these reasons, what everyone has been telling you is sound, to seek annulment or divorce, because it is very, VERY difficult to save this, especially at such an early period of your marriage, when it should be the happiest of your lives. Not to mention he has already made his decision. Do not try to change it, respect it. Be strong. And respect yourself, never go down on your knees again. Never beg, have some pride in yourself. You begging from him has just lost you more his respect, and when respect is gone, there can be no love. Not to mention the way he is treating you is nothing something you should forgive or forget, this is who he is, a bad side sure, but this is something you have to decide for yourself whether you want to have in your life. 

Your marriage is not impossible to save, but relationships take two. I'm not going to tell you what to do, as I'm sure you can make your own decisions, but here is where things stand for you, I hope you can see that.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Solo00 said:


> I have been married for 9 months which has definitely had its ups and down, I knew the first year of marriage and living together would not be easy but I never thought I would be living in a loveless marriage.
> 
> OH has given me the silent treatment for two weeks now showing no affection, no intimacy, only talks when he HAS to and have been banned in sleeping in the same bed as him as he is repulsed by me. I asked what I did wrong and apparently I've been doing everything wrong ever since we got married, I'm a pig, not lady like (If I make too much noise for ex. sniffing or blowing my nose etc), I don't clean enough or properly, I throw tantrums, I'm embarrassing the list just goes on & on. He has been verbally abusive to me during our marriage calling me horrible names during big fights we have had or when I have made him angry.


#1. How do you respond to his repulsion and explanation?


Name-calling isn't abuse. Abuse is violent behavior (very possible to be emotional in origin).

You "make" him angry? He has no choice? He has no responsibility to short-circuit the rage trigger?



> He told me yesterday he is not in love with me and things will never be ok between us as we have been through the same story for months and months and I haven't changed. No matter how much crying, sticking up for myself or begging I do he has said he does not care and does not feel sorry for me but feels sorry for himself. He wants me to leave but has not kicked me out, so as long as I stay he will continue to act this way towards me.


As I suspected....
Let's start with descriptions so that we can build upon them to create a context map.

Emotionally weak: crying, sticking up for yourself (in the sense I detect), begging.

(his) emotional weakness: "you make me angry", passive-aggressive maladaptive behavior, beligerance/indignance, externalized negativity in the form of insults

Just because he is winning the power struggle does not make him right, or powerful. He operates (principally) from the stance of a bully. Bullies are former victims that didn't respond well and rise above it. They pass on what they received to others, like you. You don't have to play into this game; read on.



> I'm all alone and scared... I'm not perfect, I always admit my flaws but I'm blaming myself for it all going down hill and gotten to the point where I'm walking on eggshells.
> I just don't know what I'm supposed to do from here ?.. How am I supposed to fight for my marriage when he won't meet me half way?
> Thanks for reading.


You are responsible for one person: yourself. Trying to *make* him comply with the process only undermines yourself, your strength, your self-respect. Making others do this or that is counter-productive (psychological reactance). You are left with negative emotions and feeling helpless, while you comply with his imposed guilt. You are not responsible for his bad mood. You are not responsible to do a-z to "make" him happy. Even if you comply with his demands, he will find other things that you are doing wrong. It isn't "things" that are wrong: the interpersonal nature is misaligned.

His problems are just that: his. That doesn't mean you don't share any blame. I recommend that you own 100% of your actions and not join him on the battleground. If he throws a hissy fit because you don't receive his emotional poison, then you can distance yourself. Perhaps you can (if you love him) lend him some empathy>sympathy and see where it goes. If he chooses not to comply with a positive approach like that, then what more can be said? Relationships operate based on voluntarily shared rules and boundaries. If he doesn't want a happy relationship with you, then he doesn't want a happy relationship. If that is the case, you let him have his wish. If someone requires that you give up who you are (nice, pleasant, non-aggressive) to fulfill his expectations, then it is your choice whether to participate. If you continue to participate, then own that decision.

Don't walk on eggshells. Just be respectful (at minimum). Joining him on the battleground only confirms his behavior and confirms/validates his reality. If he gets nasty with your respectful approach, why would you then accept one ounce of his emotional poison? At that point, his reality (clearly) only applies to him.

I sense a good heart in you. The tragedy here is if you lose that or let it get shrouded with his negative cloud. If you can/feel safe, you may attempt to lend him a hand. Beyond that, you have to maintain your goodness, even if that leads to dissolution. This path won't get better without some deviation. Do we agree? Choose a new path. Set up some new (objectively fair) rules and give him a chance to be some reasonable definition of a husband. Stand up for your values and morals by voicing them. Ask him to voice his. See if there is some objective ground that can be covered. If he says you are an unsafe driver, and are, then make that change........but do it for yourself (others will benefit). If you have to be his maid and that is not in your values/morals/beliefs, then standing up for those would entail disagreeing, notifying him of unwillingness to comply and ultimately leaving if left unchanged. That is where strength resides. He is winning and will continue to win if we resort to his games, along with begging,etc. We become powerful the minute we don't label ourselves as victims. You aren't a victim; you're a victor.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Name-calling isn't abuse. Abuse is violent behavior (very possible to be emotional in origin).


Sorry, as a "Relationship Teacher" I'm sort of disappointed we are sticking to the "if they are hitting you it isn't abuse" line. Emotional and psychological abuse are abuse, period.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> OP, you didn’t say how long you two have been together in total, not just married. What’s the difference since you got married? Has he been treating you this way since you two were boyfriend & girlfriend? If so, why did you go through with the marriage despite the bad treatment? If not, the question is what is the reason for the sudden change in him? Has he become more secretive, always guarding his phone? Is there a lot of unaccounted time in his day? Do you think he might be seeing someone else? Has he ever been unfaithful in the past? What about you? Have you ever been unfaithful now or before?
> 
> It is bizarre that someone would tell you they are not in love with you just nine months after saying, “I do”. I hope you are not leaving out any details. TAM can not give you good advice without all the facts.


This exact same thing happened to a man I worked with some 40 years ago.

He used industrial strength swearing. He pointed this out to his fiancee, but she said she did not mind, so they got married.

Less than a year later she decided to file for divorce. Why? Because of his "excessive swearing!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> #1. How do you respond to his repulsion and explanation?
> 
> 
> Name-calling isn't abuse. Abuse is violent behavior (very possible to be emotional in origin).
> ...


*
Actually, this advice is very wrong. Name calling most definitely can be abusive.*


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## Solo00 (Nov 12, 2016)

I live in Australia and we do not have children together, he purchased the house on his own while we were together.


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## Solo00 (Nov 12, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> OP, you didn’t say how long you two have been together in total, not just married. What’s the difference since you got married? Has he been treating you this way since you two were boyfriend & girlfriend? If so, why did you go through with the marriage despite the bad treatment? If not, the question is what is the reason for the sudden change in him? Has he become more secretive, always guarding his phone? Is there a lot of unaccounted time in his day? Do you think he might be seeing someone else? Has he ever been unfaithful in the past? What about you? Have you ever been unfaithful now or before?
> 
> It is bizarre that someone would tell you they are not in love with you just nine months after saying, “I do”. I hope you are not leaving out any details. TAM can not give you good advice without all the facts.


We have been together for almost 8 years, he had never treated me that way until probably the year we were engaged I saw some change but nothing alarming. I know he is not cheating on me, he's not behaving secretively and we are always together.


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## Solo00 (Nov 12, 2016)

Solo00 said:


> We have been together for almost 8 years, he had never treated me that way until probably the year we were engaged I saw some change but nothing alarming. I know he is not cheating on me, he's not behaving secretively and we are always together.


I have never been unfaithful and never will no matter how bad our relationship is. I'd like to he is the same in regards to that


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

His behavior is not your fault Solo. 

You know, sometimes people just get weird when they tie the knot. He may be thinking he made a mistake and gave away his freedom, and he's taking that anger out on you, instead of telling you he made a mistake getting married.

Not everyone can handle marriage and commitment.


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## Solo00 (Nov 12, 2016)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and has been very sad and eye opening reading them all.

I tried to speak to him today but all he wants is for me to leave him alone. Anytime we fought in the past he would always would say " I can't handle this - I'm leaving you" every single time! I honestly feel that hates me and my personality so anything i do will never be good enough and he just focuses on all the negative things in me and no positives.
What I don't understand is that I had to RSVP to an event when have on & told me to let them know we are attending!
Does he just want to live this fake loveless life in front of people?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> *
> Actually, this advice is very wrong. Name calling most definitely can be abusive.*


It can. How does misreading my statement equate to bad advice? Can you be specific? Counter-argument?

Examples help. Trump called Hillary a nasty woman... not abuse.
If trump voiced it loudly..... still not abuse.
If Trump got in her face and screamed it at her.... probably abuse.

Thoughts?

You said "can". I detect some common ground, no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Relationship Teacher said:


> #1. How do you respond to his repulsion and explanation?
> 
> 
> Name-calling isn't abuse. Abuse is violent behavior (very possible to be emotional in origin).


I get what you're getting at (in the latter part of your post), but WHAT?!

I thought you were well-educated in psychology. And you don't see name calling as abuse? What about sighs? Silent treatment? Rolling of the eyes? I guess those certainly don't qualify as abuse, then. 

Sheesh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> It can. How does misreading my statement equate to bad advice? Can you be specific? Counter-argument?
> 
> Examples help. Trump called Hillary a nasty woman... not abuse.
> If trump voiced it loudly..... still not abuse.
> ...


Verbal abuse, especially if over a long period of time, can be very corrosive to the psyche of the victim.

Weren't you taught that during your training? I certainly was.

And please keep any political references to the politics and religion section of TAM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Solo00 said:


> I have been married for 9 months which has definitely had its ups and down, I knew the first year of marriage and living together would not be easy but I never thought I would be living in a loveless marriage.
> 
> OH has given me the silent treatment for two weeks now showing no affection, no intimacy, only talks when he HAS to and have been banned in sleeping in the same bed as him as he is repulsed by me. I asked what I did wrong and apparently I've been doing everything wrong ever since we got married, I'm a pig, not lady like (If I make too much noise for ex. sniffing or blowing my nose etc), I don't clean enough or properly, I throw tantrums, I'm embarrassing the list just goes on & on. He has been verbally abusive to me during our marriage calling me horrible names during big fights we have had or when I have made him angry.
> 
> ...


There are two books that I think you need to read because once you do, you will understand what is going on in your marriage. Your husband pulled a typical bait and switch that a certain type of abuse uses. They are nice to get you to marry them. But once married, the turn on the abuse to beat you down and get control of you. Think of one of those living-dead creatures that suck the soul of out their victim. To feel good about yourself, he has to suck the soul out of you. When he does that, it makes him feel strong and in control. It's a cycle, it will continue and it will get worse with time.

The books are:

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why 
by Susan Forward and Joan Torres 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Solo00 said:


> Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and has been very sad and eye opening reading them all.
> 
> I tried to speak to him today but all he wants is for me to leave him alone. Anytime we fought in the past he would always would say " I can't handle this - I'm leaving you" every single time! I honestly feel that hates me and my personality so anything i do will never be good enough and he just focuses on all the negative things in me and no positives.
> What I don't understand is that I had to RSVP to an event when have on & told me to let them know we are attending!
> Does he just want to live this fake loveless life in front of people?


Don't put up with this disrespect, and definitely don't think you have to put on airs. Go to the event by yourself or don't go at all. He's a jerk. If my wife treated me like that I'd be heading to the lawyers office. Screw that! You on,y have one life to live. Don't waste in on a miserable ass.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

He was perfectly fine and there were no red flags until after you got married?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Solo00 said:


> We have been together for almost 8 years, he had never treated me that way until probably the year we were engaged I saw some change but nothing alarming. I know he is not cheating on me, he's not behaving secretively and we are always together.


This does not add up, OP. NO SIGNS???!! And you know he is not cheating. I think you should start considering that the person in the house with you could very well be a body-double.

Okay, okay, maybe he recently got depression or something. How old are the two of you? Maybe it's a hormonal change that made his emotions take a dip. Does he or his family have a history or depression? Or maybe even Multiple Personality Disorder. Of course, I am speculating wildly. I am no psychologist.

@MattMatt
Maybe immaturity. Maybe the need to fit in with all her married friends. A lot of people are desperate to be in relationships when they are not ready. They get married, realise it isn't like The Notebook, and London bridge is falling down. Recently had a girl I know steal some other girl's boyfriend. He cheated on that ex but she thinks she will live happily ever after with him. Boy, is she in for a rude awakening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> I get what you're getting at (in the latter part of your post), but WHAT?!
> 
> I thought you were well-educated in psychology. And you don't see name calling as abuse? What about sighs? Silent treatment? Rolling of the eyes? I guess those certainly don't qualify as abuse, then.
> 
> Sheesh.


This.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Solo00 said:


> Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and has been very sad and eye opening reading them all.
> 
> I tried to speak to him today but all he wants is for me to leave him alone. Anytime we fought in the past he would always would say " I can't handle this - I'm leaving you" every single time! I honestly feel that hates me and my personality so anything i do will never be good enough and he just focuses on all the negative things in me and no positives.
> What I don't understand is that I had to RSVP to an event when have on & told me to let them know we are attending!
> Does he just want to live this fake loveless life in front of people?


So get out. Immediately. NO SPOUSE should stay in a marriage where they feel their partner hates them! He isnt worth your pain!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> I get what you're getting at (in the latter part of your post), but WHAT?!
> 
> I thought you were well-educated in psychology. And you don't see name calling as abuse? What about sighs? Silent treatment? Rolling of the eyes? I guess those certainly don't qualify as abuse, then.
> 
> Sheesh.


Of course they don't. From wiki, see my explanation

_Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.[1][2][3] Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, gaslighting and abuse in the workplace.[2][3]_

It is precisely my education and experience that leads me to my use and application of "abuse". Technically, it does have varying definitions, but there is a problem with that: The one commonly espoused is flexible, depending upon the reception of the name-calling, etc. Literally, that means individuals are only abusive if their target receives it negatively. Her husband is an abuser depending on her reaction. What about self-responsibility in the reception and actions afterwards? There are literally definitions that would place you in the role of abuser and myself as the victim for your quoted post. It is nonsense. Your definition certainly places OP in the same category. Did you consider that?

As such, I adhere to definitions that are rather firm. The definition is the starting point for improving the recipient's life. Feeding a victim with social outrage does not empower them; it weakens them, hence everything I said.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Verbal abuse, especially if over a long period of time, can be very corrosive to the psyche of the victim.
> 
> Weren't you taught that during your training? I certainly was.



In my education and training, I wasn't given one definition based on one theory, based on one study. Beyond what I was exposed to, I had to go out in the real world and create original thoughts. I had to solve problems. This leads us to logically-consistent definitions and starting points for empowering individuals.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Relationship Teacher said:


> The definition is the starting point for improving the recipient's life. Feeding a victim with social outrage does not empower them; it weakens them, hence everything I said.


Were you abused?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> Were you abused?


I was, physically and emotionally.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At what age? What happened when it first started happening?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> At what age? What happened when it first started happening?


I was as a child, but I am talking about in a relationship. Mid 20's.

Physical blows and choking.
Screaming insults, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What did you do? How long did it last?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> What did you do? How long did it last?


In response, some of OP's reactions (crying, begging, pleading). Inner strength, along the lines of my first post, came later.

About a year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To what do you attribute your ability to switch gears?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> To what do you attribute your ability to switch gears?


Receiving so much that it necessitated change. That was the catalyst.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

browser said:


> He was perfectly fine and there were no red flags until after you got married?


It happens, not often but it does. A friend of mine's mum dated her first husband for 7 years and he was as good as gold. The perfect boyfriend, supportive while she nursed her dying mum through breast cancer, both her parents adored him and after her mum died, her dad encouraged her to marry him.

Practically from the moment the ring was on her finger he changed, and proceeded to beat her black and blue for the next 6 years, including while she was pregnant with both of her sons, and/or while she was holding them as newborns. He was a [email protected]@rd.

She finally found the strength to leave him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Receiving so much that it necessitated change. That was the catalyst.


So was it abuse while you were accepting it? Because you seem to be saying that it's not.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> So was it abuse while you were accepting it? Because you seem to be saying that it's not.


Please explain further. I want to see eye-to-eye.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Please explain further. I want to see eye-to-eye.


This is interesting. But in this context is a threadhack. 

As your topic is very interesting please can you start a new thread to continue the discussion. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> This is interesting. But in this context is a threadhack.
> 
> As your topic is very interesting please can you start a new thread to continue the discussion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. I will participate if there are questions for me. Otherwise, I am available by PM.


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