# How can I get through to my wife



## dadseekshelp (Nov 2, 2017)

Mine is a long story, but I feel the need to paint the whole picture.
When we met in Romania in 2008, she had a job in a bank and was very career-oriented and did not want to rely on anyone else for money. A year later we moved to Germany together where I have my business. She had racked up a EUR 5000 debt in Romania, which I paid off for her before we left Romania.

She did not speak any German. It would not be easy for her to get the same level job in Germany immediately, especially without speaking the language, so I suggested her to for example start off as an intern just to get into the system, and then work her way up.

She made no real effort to find a job, and she refused to apply for a job that was below her previous one. At the same time she complained that she hated being dependent on me. She said she needed to speak German in order to get a job. I reminded her that sometimes to get ahead you need to take a step back.

I suggested to her to go and volunteer at the Red Cross or similar to do some good and learn German at the same time. She did not want to do this so I paid 2500 EUR to send her to German lessons for 6 months.

During and after the lessons she still didn’t make an effort to find a job, but she did eventually reach out to the Red Cross. She found that she enjoyed teaching the retiree residents bridge, and decided that would be her “job”.

We got married at the end of 2010 and immediately after we moved back to Romania, and she looked for a new job. She got a job back at the same bank where she worked before we left. After a couple of weeks on the job she said she wanted to quit because she could not get along with her manager. I told her she should not quit until she has a replacement job, as she was already over 30, and it’s not easy to find a new job. She quit anyway and could not find a new job. At this time I went to Madeira for a business trip and she asked if she could come along. When I told her we could not afford it because she didn’t have a job (which was true) she was angry and resentful.

She finally found a job as a real estate agent and had a successful year at it, but then did not enjoy it anymore, partially because her bosses were nasty. She decided she hated real estate and quit the job. Being a real estate agent is a job she can do and is able to get hired for in Romania, as it is a commission-only job, with no risks for the managers. She couldn’t find another replacement job so I suggested to her to go for real estate again, but she said she would rather get a divorce before going back into real estate.

After some months and talking we decided to set up a small real estate company together, that way she would be in full control of her working conditions. We set up a new company, but before she even started, she decided she did not want to do real estate. Instead she wanted to become a coach/trainer and earn money by giving seminars. I told her it can take a year or two before she can make a profit with this, and that it would be better to work in real estate and start the coaching in her spare time. She disagreed and spent a year trying the coaching. I told her from the beginning that I would not be financing this as I said it would only be fair for her to work and contribute to the household financially. So in this year she racked up a debt of EUR 3000 from friends and family and earned nothing, and was still a long way away from being able to earn money from it.

By this time I was at my wit’s end. From my point of view, our relationship had been extremely unfair for a number of years, with me carrying all the financial burden, but not earning enough for us to be able to take a proper holiday or buy new clothes. We were counting every euro. 
Then she got pregnant and we had a baby. I hoped that this would change everything, as we decided she would be a full time mother for at least the first two years. In this situation I think it is very fair that she contributes nothing financially, as being a mother is a full time job on its own.
I resigned myself to paying off the 3000 EUR debt she racked up, and we made a plan for her to pay it off at a rate of 150 EUR per month. I had also racked up some debts and the repayments are costing us a total for 300 EUR per month. This 300 EUR per month is exactly the difference between us having some money left over for vacations and clothes etc. But I insisted we must pay off our debts before we can spend on luxuries like that, especially as her debts were to friends and family. You can’t borrow money from someone and then post your holiday pics on Facebook before paying them back.

When our baby was around 6 months old my wife said it was all too much for her, she was overwhelmed and needed help - she wanted her mother to come over for a few months because it was all too much work. The fact is that we have a cleaning lady (paid by the company) who comes in once a week, I come home almost every day to cook lunch, I also cook most dinners. How could she possibly not be able to manage?

She complains to me now that since she is the full time mother and I am the bread-winner, I am not earning enough as we have no money for holidays/entertainment. I explain to her that she made no effort to contribute to our household before she had the baby (except for the 18 months in real estate), and we are now paying off debts because of this, so she has no right to complain.

I try to explain to her that we are very lucky and must be grateful for what we have. We have a beautiful baby, a roof over our heads, we can afford to pay our bills and have good food on the table. Being an entrepreneur (albeit not too successful) gives me flexibility, and I come home for lunch almost every day, and whenever my wife asks me to stay home with our baby for half a day or a day I happily oblige. There is no reason for us not to be happy.

I told her I can find a job and earn more money, but that will come at the cost of my flexibility - I won’t have time to come home for lunch, and won’t be able to stay at home with our baby during weekdays if she needs to go out. She said that would be a worse situation. I think she at least now understands and accepts our financial situation.

Right now our baby is 18 months old, I see my wife is not putting in enough from her side regarding taking care of our baby. She complains that she does not have enough time to work on her blog, and she lets our baby watch TV and play with youtube and apps on tablets for up to three hours every day.

In every relationship there is give and take, and I feel she is taking a lot more than she is giving, for years already. I really don’t know how to deal with it, I have tried many times and in many ways to explain to her how I feel, but every time she just slips back.
There have been so many occasions that in retrospect she says to me that I was right and she should have taken my advice. Unfortunately this doesn’t help me.


She claims she gave up all her hopes and dreams for me, but from my perspective I don’t see how. In the years she didn’t earn money and I financed her, she had so many opportunities to learn/study get into a new career or whatever. I simply can’t convince her that she has to take the responsibility for her actions herself. It is very difficult to talk with her about sensitive subjects like this as she sees herself as being attacked, no matter how gently and quietly I phrase it. Sometimes I feel like I am communicating with a child. 

Since I met her she has slowly and steadily transformed into a depressed person who sees herself as a victim. Over the years I feel dragged down and am not the happy bubbly guy I used to be and I am nearing the point where I feel like I need to give up and move on. I simply want the confident woman I originally met back, and I know it is still in her somewhere, that’s why I am still with her.

I realised I have spoiled her by letting her do almost whatever she wanted, but I need to look forward now and find a way to reach through to her and help her come out of this hole. If she could only change her mindset, she could change the world. I would appreciate any advice...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wow, the patient German. Du bist geduldig sein.
My German is rusty.

She is an immature spoiled women. Probably beautiful.

You may have to pull the plug on her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop acting like her father. 

It's terrible for a marriage.

Geez, she has to account to you for how well she takes care of her own daughter?

Is she your wife or your employee?

I'd be depressed too.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@dadseekshelp

What are you ages? Are you both Romanian?

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## dadseekshelp (Nov 2, 2017)

@lifeistooshort In what way am I acting like a father? I do not nag, control, dictate or make the most decisions. In fact I have been quite the opposite, giving her the freedom to do what she wanted to do. 

Also, she does not have to account to me for how well she takes care of our daughter, but you must understand that I cannot simply ignore a situation where I think her behavior is having a negative impact on our child's development. In fact I tell her she is a great mother and I know she is doing the best she can.


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## dadseekshelp (Nov 2, 2017)

@Lila I am 43 and she is 38, and I am Dutch


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## dadseekshelp (Nov 2, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Wow, the patient German. Du bist geduldig sein.
> My German is rusty.
> 
> She is an immature spoiled women. Probably beautiful.
> ...


I am indeed a very patient person as I know what she is capable of. I just need to find a way to help her get back on track.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dadseekshelp said:


> @lifeistooshort In what way am I acting like a father? I do not nag, control, dictate or make the most decisions. In fact I have been quite the opposite, giving her the freedom to do what she wanted to do.
> 
> Also, she does not have to account to me for how well she takes care of our daughter, but you must understand that I cannot simply ignore a situation where I think her behavior is having a negative impact on our child's development. In fact I tell her she is a great mother and I know she is doing the best she can.


1. she probably thought she was onto a good thing when she got hitched with you. I am sorry but Romania is a poorer country and they see western europeans as much better off
2. She sounds spoiled and entitled and it could be because in her culture the man takes care of the woman. She probably thinks being married to you should entitled her to maids, drivers, etc.
3. Did she get pregnant accidentally or was that planned?
4. To some women you may sound controlling and dictating that she should also earn and only stay at home for 2 years etc. 
5. It is a possibility that she will run if she finds a man who is willing to let her be the queen bee at home with no responsbilities
Didnt you see this coming?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dadseekshelp said:


> I am nearing the point where I feel like I need to give up and move on.


I had a wife like this in the past. You will not be able to "convert" her back to the woman she was. She is spoiled and entitled. I don't know the laws in your country so I can't make any comment about it.

But, in the US, a man is "stuck" with a woman like this. She can use the court system to force him to support her for years. The phrase "...it's cheaper to keep her..." is, unfortunately, true. The legal system forces the husband to be an enabler.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

She will never change. When you met she worked because she had to.

She slowly chipped away at not working because lets face it work or not have to work which would most choose. Plus you have bailed her out at least 3 times. Shes never held accountable . 

I'm betting your sex life took a huge dive also and she uses it as punishment when she isn't getting her way.

You are enabling her behavior. And she is taken full advantage of it. Now she wants you to work harder so she don't have to. And when you do you will have less time and she will have more time rhas when theses type of women often start having affairs.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Oh the help part. Put your foot down time for her to get a job. Everytime she complains about no holiday/cloths money tell her that she has quit every job she has had and refuses to help or contribute to the family finances. 

That she has incured debt over the years and you have had to pay they. 

Its time for her to get a job! Or time to really think about if being married is worth it.

I would try to save some money with out her knowing. Just in case she decides to kick you to the curb. She sounds very unstabe and selfish.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you divorce her she'll have to get a job. So, tell her that her options are to get AND KEEP a job as your wife or as a single woman. Her choice.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If you divorce her she'll have to get a job. So, tell her that her options are to get AND KEEP a job as your wife or as a single woman. Her choice.


Or just keep her as a sex kitten and a SAHM.
And give her NO credit.

Credit cards.

Your' no-conditional love is expensive.
Live with it or keep spinning your tires, your' tale of woe. :|:|


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You knew what she was like early on, yet you stayed and kept rescuing her.

Learning a foreign language is tough, being in a foreign country can be depressing, but if she agreed to be with you and move with you, that includes agreeing to adopt the lifestyle.

She's not going to change unless she realizes what she could lose and what she needs to do to pull her weight. Right now she doesn't seem to care and you keep saving her. And she seems very lazy. Perhaps she just wants to be a kept woman. If so, that's clearly not the kind of woman you want.


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