# New here: my situation



## herenowvt (Jan 21, 2017)

I have been a lurker of this forum for a little while and decided now to post - to get other's opinions. 
I am 39 years old, married and my wife is 31. We have been married only 2 years. We live in Vermont. I met my wife online at a dating website for her country which is in the Caribbean. I flew to her country, met her, fell in love and well things went pretty fast after that trip. I was lonely in Vermont. The dating scene here is horrible - both for men and women. 

After we met, I flew back home and we talked everyday on the phone. She is a beautiful woman and we just clicked immediately. I had been on hundreds of dates in my life and never ever clicked with someone just like that. I ended up flying to her country 3 times over a period of 12 months. She could not leave her country without a passport or visa, which she did not have. My first trip down was the best ever. We went to the beach, hiked a mountain, hung out, it was a great vacation. 

After my first trip, she ended up losing her job as a secretary at this factory she worked at for 6 years. She had to move out of her apartment and into her mothers house. After a couple of weeks she said she could no longer stay at her mothers house and that she would have to sleep in her car. I felt bad, so I offered to pay for an apartment for her. She didn't have any savings and the average daily income in her country is $5. I ended up sending her $800 to get an apartment, food, etc. I told her that I would like her to look for a new job. She said she was looking, but jobs were hard to come by in her city.

So anyways, I paid for her life there for about 6 months and then I asked her if we should get married. It would be cheaper for me to not have to fly down so often and pay for her life there. I didn't want to pay for her life, but I ended up getting sucked in and she was unemployed. I was sending money down for rent and food, while paying my bills here. 

We ended up going with the fiance visa. I am going to guess that I spent $20,000 on getting her here with the flight, her rent, bills, application fees, time off from my work, her phone bills, everything. She flew here and we married within a few weeks. 

Now it has been 1.5 years since our marriage. She lives here with me in a state of pretty much white people. The closest people of her country live in NYC. She hates Vermont, but she says she will live here if I want to. Nobody speaks Spanish here. I am sorry, but I told her upfront where I lived and I told her it was hard to find Spanish speaking people here. She speaks English too, maybe 75%. She had never been to the USA, so maybe just the excitement of coming here was all she needed, let a lone do a little research with google maps and images to see how Vermont is. It is rural, we live close to the largest city in the state that only has 50,000 people. 

We had to wait 6 months for her to get her work permit. She helped with my business which was very nice. It was hard for her to transition here. I did my best to make it easier. I added an International plan on her phone so she could call he family. I took her to NYC to visit her relatives. I took her to Boston. 
She hates Vermont. She said she doesn’t understand how anyone could live here. The winters are brutal, nobody speaks Spanish and it is boring. I take her downtown, out to dinner, try to take her to movies, places to make new friends with others that speak Spanish.
This is now leading to where I want to know if I am being selfish…
She is the most BORING person I have ever met in my life. It was all fun and vacation when I was visiting her country. Now that she is in our country, she doesn’t like to go to movies, she doesn’t like to go out, she doesn’t like to travel unless it is to her country. I have paid for her to go on trips to visit her family in her country. 
She is working. She is a hard worker, she doesn’t make much money – she cleans a building and works at a senior home. I make about $70k a year before taxes. She probably makes $20,000 a year. The only bills she pays for is food. She cooks and cleans, but so do I. I would love her to pay for gas sometimes bringing her to work back and forth everyday. She doesn’t have a license here yet and frankly she is a terrible driver with all the laws we have here in the USA, it is so much different from her country. She sends her brother $100 a month and it seems she may be starting a nest egg in her country. 
She doesn’t help with the rent, bills, her phone bill. She spends about $400 a month on groceries for both of us. That is all I will ever get from her. I want to buy a house, but she will not help with the mortgage. In her country, people are piss poor and they make a few dollars a day. Now that she is making more money, she also sees that the USA isn’t as grand as it looked like from her country. Here we need to pay for health insurance, everything. Rent is $1,200 a month. Car payment, self employment taxes. 
I would love to have a future with her, but if she can’t help financially, how can I proceed with my plans. Her plan I believe now is to retire in her country. That is not my plan, so you see we are driving on different sides of the roads.
I try to pretend in my daily life that maybe its me. Also – her sex drive is low. When I want to have sex, tell her how beautiful she is and how much she means to me, try caressing her and she asks me “
what are you doing?”….it’s like hello, trying to have romance with you like normal married people. Then other times I will just tell her I want to be inside you and she says “very romantic you are”. Also, I get stressed because we don’t have sex even once a week and she notices that and she says “ok just take it”. She is a lousy lay. The time I spent with her in her country, the sex was glorious, I mean so glorious I could blow conch shell tunes on a mountaintop. Now, that she is here the sex is just lousy, it’s like work for her. 
I don’t want to throw in the towel yet. I love this girl, but now I am wondering what I actually love about her. The vacation excitement wore off, now we are both together and its like stale bread everyday. The more I try to please her, I am not getting anywhere. Also, all her family wants us to move to NYC. None of them have ever been to Vermont let a lone 10 miles out of NYC. 

Sorry for the long babble. Thanks for letting me vent. Back to my Pinot grigio.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

First off, you are a good man, a good man with a bad picker. You have a good generous heart but tolerate no free loading. Let's face it, the American work ethic is like no other. Most people outside the U.S. do not have any inclination to work as hard. Maybe they do in Japan or Korea. Not in Europe and definitely not in the Caribbean. 

Sorry, my friend, she snookered you. The old bait and switch. She wore a wonderful mask down there in Carib-land. Do not feel bad, thousands of other men AND women have been taken in by these hucksters down there. The Caribbean men prey on lonely Caucasian women, and the women on kind men from the states. She looked at you as a meal ticket, a way to get off the island. A means to a Green Card. 

The money you spent on her should not be an issue. It was money well spent on a life education. And it was fun while it lasted.

Write her off in your mental income statement. Her "Fair Value" has gone to zero. You made a mistake.

Divorce her before she costs you 50% of your Net Worth. See an attorney, now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See if you can get an annulment based on fraud.

Sorry you are in this situation. 

And it might be worth getting checked for STDs. Well, it wouldn't hurt.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If she cannot invest in you, you must divest from her... it does appear you may not have seen the true her and fallen in love with a mirage...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I feel very sorry for you... you did everything in your power to help her. This doesn't sound like it's built for long term success.

Do you think she loves you or are you a means to an end?

I live a stones throw from Bennington and go up to visit Burlington a few times a year. Burlington in particular is a great city - on my short list of places I would live. Yes the winters are brutal. Yes the state is very "white" but there is some diversity if you look for it.

If she married you for YOU -- and not your bank account -- would you consider moving? The northeast is full of major cities and suberbs that offer a ton of diversity, all within a half days drive of northern VT.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, how long do you want to continue to be used by the most boring, lousy lay you have ever met in your life?


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## herenowvt (Jan 21, 2017)

We get a long very well, spend a lot of time together but I don't really see a future for us. She doesn't want to invest any of her 'hard earned money' in me or our future. She tells me that she works hard and all I do is sit in front of a computer all day working. I owned a business for 10 years with 25 employees. I can tell you I put in my hard work. It may not of been scrubbing toilets, but it was long stressful days managing a small delivery business. She hasn't made any effort into meeting friends here. When she is not working, she is home. She has no interest in doing anything outside of work or laying in her bed. A couple co-workers made effort to be friendly with her but she blew them off. I think because they don't speak Spanish. She is faithful, but we don't even kiss or touch each other. I smoke, she doesn't so I can understand why she doesn't want to kiss me, but even if I shower and cleanup, I could ask her for a backrub and its like she barely wants to use her hands to touch my back. She is so lazy, she will use her foot to massage my back. Most times when we have intercourse, I am between her legs and she is on her phone texting her friend from back home. We never had passionate sex since she is been here. She is beautiful, I love her face, body and I could make love to her all night, but after 10 minutes she asks me "are you tired yet"? I am tired of giving so much and in return getting so little. My family warned me that this was a bad idea going so quickly into marriage. I lost respect from most of my family. They rarely talk to me because they think I am an idiot. I pretend like I am living the dream. I am 39, before meeting her I was single my entire life - by choice because I never found anyone I wanted to be with. I enjoyed being single, but also hated being lonely. I wanted someone to explore with, dine out, travel with. I love to travel, but everytime I ask her which new place would you like to visit...it is only 1 choice, her country.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

blah, blah, blah. That's just background noise. Answer my question.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You chose poorly. There's no shame in it - it happens to the best of us.

Question is what will you do about it?


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## herenowvt (Jan 21, 2017)

I am scared to take the divorce plunge just yet because I do love her


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you waiting until she makes you so miserable that not only do you no longer love her but you can't stand the sight of her?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, from the outside looking in, this is really looking like a sham marriage. Among the list of things you found attractive about her while dating, which ones are still true today? Do you not notice the sudden change in her interactions with you post wedding?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A good rule of thumb we see here / you cannot change who she is, you can only change your expectations.

The situation you describe sounds terrible. 

Pros- she is hot

Cons- she is miserable and longs for home, has a bad attitude; doesn't like sex, is lousy at sex, doesn't make a lot of money (not unexpected), is a money pit for you.

She seemed perfectly content to live off of you in her homeland and you send her monthly checks, while putting on a smiling face 2-3 times a year when you visited. That's her ideal life.

One has to question too if the factory job ever existed. Terrible that she lost the job right after she met the "rich" American. What bad luck.

Let me ask you - and don't take offense - how would you describe your physical appearance? Overweight? Underweight? Confident? I get that Vermont isn't NYC but there are plenty of great girls up there. Thousands.

My final advice - since you don't want to divorce her after all this. DO NOT MAKE BABIES WITH HER. That will trap you from now until 2040.


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## herenowvt (Jan 21, 2017)

I am average, a tad few extra lbs, 6 foot 5, not muscular. I don't think we will be having a kid. She has no patience whatsoever. If it takes her 3 seconds to open a bag of chips, she throws it away. After this marriage, I think it will be best to be single and maybe move to Florida.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

That's not how I read the story *at all*. From how I understood it, she didn't *ask* to get married and she didn't *ask* to be moved to Vermont. 
And I don't think she asked for the OP to pay for her or send her any money (the OP did it out of the kindness in his heart. Please correct me if I am wrong).

"So anyways, I paid for her life there for about 6 months and then *I asked her* if we should get married. It would be cheaper for me to not have to fly down so often and pay for her life there."

Is it not possible that this is a disappointment for her as much as it is for the OP? I have seen many threads where disappointment sets in after infatuation fades away and then the person starts asking "what on earth did I see in this person?". It seems to me like a bog-standard story of being catapulted back into reality (life in Vermont) after travelling to an exotic country and falling in love. The "in love" hormones eventually subside back to normal levels.
I am amazed people suggest it is "fraud". On what basis? Just because she is from a poor country? Unless OP omitted something (it doesn't say anywhere that she asked him for money), I don't understand why she is being blamed for the OP falling out of love with her and finding her "boring". Why is it not possible that BOTH made a mistake and now regret it?

It always amazes me how different the same story can appear to different people. Maybe I got it wrong, so please treat it with caution.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Who knows the what's and the why's. we've seen it here a hundred times. Bottom line they are both miserable.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Who knows the what's and the why's. we've seen it here a hundred times. Bottom line they are both miserable.


Yes exactly. But a lot of (IMO unwarranted) assumptions have been made. That's what I am more concerned about.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> Yes exactly. But a lot of (IMO unwarranted) assumptions have been made. That's what I am more concerned about.


You are more concerned about strangers on an anonymous forum making incorrect assumptions about a poster's wife's mindset as to why they married? Compared to offering the poster some constructive advice as to what he needs to do to move forward with his life? That's the paramount concern?

Like I've said we've seen it here over and over and over. Person finds fantastic A+ lover online from overseas impoverished country, moves heaven and earth to get with said lover, brings lover home, marries lover, and then lover turns into a completely different person. Men and women. 

And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this one time on this forum the spouse had completely noble intentions. What difference does it make in helping OP? She's been treating him deplorably. He needs to get out of this relationship pronto. In my opinion.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You are more concerned about strangers on an anonymous forum making incorrect assumptions about a poster's wife's mindset as to why they married? Compared to offering the poster some constructive advice as to what he needs to do to move forward with his life? That's the paramount concern?


That's funny. Because assigning fraudulent intentions for no reason is supposed to be helpful for the OP.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Like I've said we've seen it here over and over and over. Person finds fantastic A+ lover online from overseas impoverished country, moves heaven and earth to get with said lover, brings lover home, marries lover, and then lover turns into a completely different person. Men and women.


I haven't been here long enough to write cynical comments (I am hesitant to use a stronger word) when it comes to partners from "overseas impoverished country" outside of the US.

All I see is two disappointed people who made a rash mistake. Others will see what they want to see.

I don't want to get sucked into this argument. Please excuse my interjection.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> See if you can get an annulment based on fraud.
> 
> Sorry you are in this situation.
> 
> And it might be worth getting checked for STDs. Well, it wouldn't hurt.




I don't see any fraud. He didn't date her enough to get to know her. His mistake.

And that comment about STDs. Wow. Maybe she should get checked.

He has a typical American marriage. Sex stops once the ring goes on the finger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I don't see any fraud. He didn't date her enough to get to know her. His mistake.
> 
> And that comment about STDs. Wow. Maybe she should get checked.
> 
> He has a typical American marriage. Sex stops once the ring goes on the finger.


If the sex has stopped for him, it might not have stopped for her.

And why would you think the OP's wife should get checked for STDs?


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I was thinking. Yes, the beginning of any relationship is full of excitement and all the great sex that comes with it. But maybe you're wife did not expect the kind of life in the US of how hard she had to work, missing her family and friends, and not being with people of similar community who speak Spanish. I was born here in SF, California, but both my parents are immigrants (mother from Europe and father from the Philippines). I can understand for both of them, that language, community, food, religion, was very important. So I am wondering from her perspective of being a young female (I will also be 31 next month) if this adjustment was very hard for her and that inside she internalizes some resentment toward you because life was not what she expected here in the US and because of that mental/emotional turmoil she may be experiencing that's why she cannot fully open to you (sexually and emotionally) the way she did when she was back at home in the Caribbeans. 

I think this is something you should discuss with your wife and even though, you have done everything to help her while she struggled in her country, she could also be more giving toward you. 

I do think it's nice though, that you take her on vacations and try to give her a really nice experience as a married couple, but I really would ask her about her investment into this marriage because you express how you clearly love her. 

My husband is 40 years and I am 9.5 years younger. So we do have our generational differences, and cultural differences, as well as perspectives on how we see everything, but I am trying really hard to work with my husband as we both are strong-headed and he is more emotionally sensitive than me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

herenowvt said:


> I am scared to take the divorce plunge just yet because I do love her


I seem to have to say this a lot on here. Love is not enough.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"She is so lazy, she will use her foot to massage my back. Most times when we have intercourse, I am between her legs and *she is on her phone texting her friend from back home.* We never had passionate sex since she is been here. She is beautiful, I love her face, body and I could make love to her all night, but after 10 minutes she asks me *"are you tired yet"*?"

Tell us why you love her?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "She is so lazy, she will use her foot to massage my back. Most times when we have intercourse, I am between her legs and *she is on her phone texting her friend from back home.* We never had passionate sex since she is been here. She is beautiful, I love her face, body and I could make love to her all night, but after 10 minutes she asks me *"are you tired yet"*?"
> 
> Tell us why you love her?


I was just going to mention the same paragraph... this is wrong in so many ways.

Speaks volumes... time to listen with intent and follow with action in that clarity.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sorry, but I think the problem is with OP, not the wife. 

I don't believe that dating is so bad anyplace that you have to import a spouse. 

Buy American.

Domestic therapy is needed.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Sorry, but I think the problem is with OP, not the wife.
> 
> I don't believe that dating is so bad anyplace that you have to import a spouse.
> 
> ...


I would agree that the problem lies within the spouse's respect for himself... no relationship is worth humiliation of self in any form.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I think the OP didn't anticipate how different him and his wife are in terms of culture. He needs to talk to her about his expectations, she might not even be aware that he is miserable and in other countries marriage is seen very differently as does love. He might not of expected that. Marriage isn't for love as much as it is in the United States where people are independent in choosing there own path. This is a cultural mismatch and he needs to explain this to her. She's probably as equally unhappy. 


Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Many times in our lives we love people, but that doesn't mean we are meant to marry them. 

I totally disagree with everyone saying it's just the OP's problem and not the wife. I believe the OP was geniunely trying to help this woman, and she took advantage of it. I do also think the OP should have gotten to know her better before he sent her so much money and brought up marriage.

So, OP, you stated you don't see a future for the two of you, so why do you continue to do what you do? She texts her friends while you two are being intimate = no respect for you, whatsoever. If you want to be happy, you need to look into an annulment based on fraud.

I have a friend who continuously complains about not finding women to date, and being lonely... but he continues to do nothing about it. It's like that quote about insanity saying you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. 

I am sorry you are hear, but you definitely need to lay out the pros and cons and what you want for YOUR future.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Ummmm if I recall, OP mentioned that his wife is possibly building a nest egg in her country AND is possibly wanting to retire there. That is NOT good!

I think OP should consider that SHE may leave HIM and move back home, when she's saved enough in her nest egg in HER country. 

Just MY opinion. 


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

herenowvt said:


> I am scared to take the divorce plunge just yet because I do love her


*Do you love her enough to let her go?

She, quite understandably, has more than demonstrated that she is absolutely no good for you!*


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

herenowvt said:


> Most times when we have intercourse, I am between her legs and she is on her phone texting her friend from back home. We never had passionate sex since she is been here. She is beautiful, I love her face, body and I could make love to her all night, but after 10 minutes she asks me "are you tired yet"?


She sounds as if she's angry with you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Regardless of the facts presented...... OP is miserable and resentful. His W seems to be as well.

And this has built up in how many years? Magnify this tenfold if you stay eight more years.

Your W knew what she was in for..... growing pains, of course, but I don't see any effort on her part

to attempt to acclimate herself to her new environ. That is the same effort she will put into

the M. And how do those M usually end up? Take a guess.

Walk away....... divorce ASAP, offer her a plane ticket back home if you can D swiftly.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

One more thing..... I find it appalling how she claims you have an easier job than her.

I heard that schit from my XW and even MiL (I loved my MiL dearly). Here's the deal.....

low paying physical jobs are such because anyone can do them. Take a manager of a large company

who oversees 100 employees in a high stress work environ.... you cut it or you don't, period.

Anyone can scrub a toilet...... trust me, there were times I prayed for a factory job riveting the 

same thing all day after one of those "days from he!!"

Education helps but, you either have it or you don't. Your W does not know the definition 

of effort.... copy it from the dictionary and hand it to her. But.... that's just me....


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

In my line of work, I encountered this constantly while in countries in the Caribbean, the one with the most issues I know of was by far Dominican Republic. (Google Sankie) 

The stories played out time and time again, I must have heard hundreds. I've more men then I can count from DR try to start this idiocy with me. The formula they use is tried and true, and their isn't much variance. The immediate loss of work after meeting the "rich" American, many times coupled by sob stories about ill family memebers. They are usually cautious to not directly ask you for money (this would be too big of a red flag for most of us) but they maneuver your emotions, getting you to offer to send it on your own. They say the same things to all their prey. It's what works. It also always seems to require you getting them a fancier cell phone. Many of these people have husbands and wives already in their home country. Their family will stop at nothing to lie for them, in hopes that they can snag an American. Usually they are doing this with several people at the same time, and they will marry the first one that offers. It's all about getting to NYC, where the streets are paved with gold. Then it is from that point on all about sending the money home.

Is this a broad generalization? Absolutely. Are there genuine people out there, and marriages that end up working? For sure.
Your situation though sounds cookie cutter. She has gotten what she needed from you, and you no longer serve a purpose. Basing life decisions on vacation experiences is a fatal mistake. 

On another topic:
The first time my spouse would be on the phone texting during sex, the relationship would have ended that night.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Exit the relationship. I know you want this to work, but in you continue in this, probability is high that 1) you'll waste more money trying to please this woman; 2) your present aggravation will worsen over her not reciprocating your love; 3) you'll increase your long-term regret, only to wish in hindsight that your younger self had acted earlier. 

She's clearly disenchanted with her new life in Vermont, and wants to return home (perhaps, as you've conjectured, after making enough money). She's unhappy, and her unhappiness makes for her lukewarm feelings toward you that make you yourself unhappy. Christ, she's texting friends in the Caribbean as you have sex! This won't get any better. This will get worse, if you let it.

You must be a short drive from Montreal. Why not import a French Canadian woman? They're beautiful, many of 'em speak English, and she'll be used to the cold and boring life of Vermont. For you, it could be ideal. Consider acting before NAFTA is renegotiated; import costs are going up!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Spicy said:


> On another topic:
> The first time my spouse would be on the phone texting during sex, the relationship would have ended that night.


That anyone would stand for this, simply baffles me...


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