# Going to bed at the same time



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

My wife will not go to bed at the same time as me. She's a night person and part of the year she works in the evening, but it's been this way for probably 2 years or more. 

I've told her it bothers me, multiple times, she promises to make an effort but nothing changes. I believe it's because she's avoiding sex, though she claims she's attracted to me and just needs the alone time.

I think I'm being worked. Thoughts?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Occasionally works in the evenings. 

Because I get tired and have to work in the morning. Plus it doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed, she stays up later.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I'm in bed by 8:30 decompressing and out like a light by 9:30 m-fri. Hubby can stay up later and at times he comes to bed later than me while I'm fast asleep. I think it may have bothered me earlier in our marriage but as time goes by, things that used to bother you become non issues.

Can you have sex during the day, or are kids an issue? She should at least compromise and come to bed with you at least 3 times a week. However it's probably hard for a night owl to just lay in bed when they aren't tired.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

As someone who really values their limited alone time, she may be telling you a partial truth at least. Is this the only time of the day when she is able to be alone? How often do you have sex?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

We've discussed a compromise and it has never materialized. We have sex in bunches. Sex at night, maybe 2x month. Quickies in the morning - 0-2/week. In the SS household, we don't kiss or have oral sex in the morning so it's pretty much a "close your eyes and think of England" situation.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

My husband went to bed, AND to sleep, by 8 or 8:30 every single night, and he got up very early. I have always had insomnia, so when I was trying to be "the best wife", I would go to bed with him and then lie there and watch the clock for hours on end. I finally stopped going to bed that early, because it was complete misery.

Could this possibly be the case with your wife? Do you want her to just lie there and look at the clock for hours?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'm usually up later than she is.

I do make a point to join her when she goes to bed a few times a week though even if we're just sitting in bed watching TV/surfing the net.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SS,
Ever asked for a tuck in?
Mr and Mrs Nail don't sleep on the same schedule. She has no trouble leaving me after for her alone time. 
MN


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

We have completely different schedules and I've found it hellish to try and switch mine on the weekends to accommodate her. I will lay in bed with her for a while but I have stuff that needs to get done. I also enjoy my extremely limited alone time. I have needs too, I don't see why hers are more of a priority than mine.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

There are only so many hours available in the day after work, children self-care etc....for a couple to have time together. Spending time together is critical for the success of a marriage. Going to bed at the same time is helpful...my wife and I almost always (98%) go to bed at the same time...always have (except christmas eve...where I inevitably finish the wrapping because she passes out by 9pm). 

How much time are spending together? (I do not mean just time having sex). The shared experiences and the story of your marriage that you create by spending time together is really important to the health of your relationship. sex, or lack of, is a symptom of the health of your marriage. Make time to be together. 

There is a fun option...We do this frequently. Pick out a board game, agree that you will not have touch or have sex until the game is finished, then play......totally naked. 

Naked time together is the best time of all.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

seeking sanity said:


> so it's pretty much a "close your eyes and think of England" situation.


Well, at least you seem to understand she's not attracted to you any more. And for women, attraction and love are more closely intertwined in the female mind, ergo she probably doesn't love you as much as you think she does. 

I know, I know, you two are perfect together. The perfect couple. Me too. Then it happened to me. Then I started reading about all of the other men it happened to. That ILYBINILWY speech. It blindsided each and every one of us. MILLIONS of us.

Oh, My ILYBINILWY wasn't a speech. She wasn't going to make it that easy. It started with her never going to bed at the same time as me. Then the sex dropped off to 0-2/week. And when we DID have it it, it was "close your eyes and think of England"

And then I tried to fix it...

You get the point. Good luck to you. Start reading up on the 180. Learn it. Love it. And once you get that kick in the gut that me and MILLIONS of other men have received, you'll have your plan in place.

This has nothing to do with bedtimes, or libidos, or degrees of tired. This is what the beginning of the end looks like.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm a 'farmer' and my wife's a night owl.

I knew this before we got married. When we were dating and living apart, I would wake up the next day and see messages on my phone, usually just an android kiss that was sent at 11:00, 12:00 or even 1:00 in the morning.

So that's the way it is. I love early mornings before dark. she loves the night and has trouble winding down from work. then she comes to bed, wakes me up grabs me and we cuddle. I don't mind her waking me up.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

seeking sanity said:


> I've told her it bothers me, multiple times, she promises to make an effort but nothing changes. I believe it's because she's avoiding sex, though she claims she's attracted to me and just needs the alone time.
> 
> I think I'm being worked. Thoughts?


I'd say she is avoiding sex too. You two could have sex around bedtime, and she could still stay up if she wanted.

But she doesn't want to. Have you asked her straight up? Have you initiated sex and are getting the cold shoulder?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I'd say she is avoiding sex too. You two could have sex around bedtime, and she could still stay up if she wanted.
> 
> But she doesn't want to. Have you asked her straight up? *Have you initiated sex and are getting the cold shoulder?*


This is an important question OP. 

If you aren't initiating, odds are, that could be your issue....or at least a large part of it. 

Initiating does not mean waiting till bedtime and giving her the wink wink nod...initiating almost never stops...starts in the morning, goes all day getting progressively more intense...then comes lights out...it's on. A very large portion of a marriage relationship is its sexual element...Are you making that a priority?


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

When I read through the forums I try to answer the questions as asked, rather than to give advice, as my advice would tend to come from my experiences, and therefore will be slanted to either the outcome I would have preferred or by my pain/ past resentments.
That being said, your question is around wondering if you are "being worked" and wanting some thoughts from the female perspective, as this is "the ladies lounge" (which just makes me think of smoking in the girls room)...
My thoughts are that its probably not that simple. Avoiding bed--time to avoid sex feels like a bigger issue, which involves avoiding confrontation and avoiding intimacy and connection... If I were in that place, meaning if I avoided sex/intimacy with my guy I would probably either be hurting about something and not sure how to express it, or I would have to be checked out or disconnected emotionally from the relationship as I can't (personally) think of another reason. Meaning, it wouldn't be "working" him- it would be more about me and my own unhappiness- if that makes sense.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

IMHO, the best you can do is talk to her directly until you get the understanding you need. That means telling her bluntly what you have observed -- she says she will, but then somehow doesn't follow through -- and that you've been around long enough to know that when people's actions don't match their words that "something's up... so, tell me, your husband, what is going on."

I'd tell her that you've heard of people whose marriages slowly started to crumble as avoidant behavior like this started to take root. It is very much like she is turning away from you to hide a part of herself -- for whatever reason -- and you fear someday you two will no longer be willing to turn towards each other and face the inevitable challenges of life together. 

Btw, when someone is not comfortable telling me the truth (maybe because of a lack of certainty about it), I say "Well, if you had to guess, what would it be?". Sometimes a useful answer emerges.

I wouldn't let the conversation end without saying "It is one thing to feel like you are avoiding coming to bed with me for some reason... I don't expect that you would always want to see me as you end your day. We don't have to be together 24/7 x365. But it is another thing altogether for you to willfully avoid meaningful communication about what is going on -- and THAT I find unacceptable, unloving, and destructive to our relationship. You need to make sure that is what you intend to be."


(My thoughts, in hindsight.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Most of the time.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

seeking sanity said:


> My wife will not go to bed at the same time as me. She's a night person and part of the year she works in the evening, but it's been this way for probably 2 years or more.
> 
> I've told her it bothers me, multiple times, she promises to make an effort but nothing changes. I believe it's because she's avoiding sex, though she claims she's attracted to me and just needs the alone time.
> 
> I think I'm being worked. Thoughts?


How about just give her a way out to test your theory about her avoiding sex. Just have her come to be with you at night for sex but tell her it's ok if she gets up after.

As a life long shift worker who often worked mids I would often go to bed with ex to have sex and cuddle for a few then get back up. Was never an issue.


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