# Help! I feel like my marriage is going down quick



## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

First off I can't believe I'm looking at sites like this and writing this now. I always thought my marriage would be forever.

I've been married 8 years and have 2 awesome kids. (5 and 7)
My wife and I are in our early thirties. 

Over the years there has been one common issue that always seems to come up. SEX, intimacy, etc. Looking back, my wife has never been the "Touchy feely' kind and has always been very emotionally guarded. During our dating years I alwys had a semi healthy (secret) prescription pill problem, stemming from my early teen years. About 1 year into our marriage the cat came out of the bag and I had gotten to a point where I could not even get out of bed without needing a pain pill. I spent 4 month in rehab and have since (7 years plus) not once traveled this rd. I tell you this because this is where I feel the wall started building. 

Since then I have been fairly successful and have supported my family quite well. Coming from a 9$ hr job as an electrician to a Director level of large company and then to SR Management role at another very large company. Things have been good over the years. Yeah we had little fights here and there but mostly good....Until, about every 4-6 months I would have a small explosion and get vocal about my issues.....

Those issues are that my wife never touches me, never show's affection... We have sex, but only because she knows she has to keep me appeased. I want sex 2-3 times a week and I'm pretty sure she could go months without (Or Forever lol) . We have slowly decreased from the 2-3 times a week now to once a week and that once a week is usually very "complainy" 

My wife is the kind of girl when we all go out with our friends and all the others wives want to dance with their husbands or kiss them/hug on them, you wouldn’t even know my wife knew me unless you knew. This is the same complaint her only other long term boyfriend had too. We've both accused her of being lesbian as well....


I am to a breaking point. I love her more than she loves me and it hurts like hell. I'm not sure I can deal with it any longer. Every time I exploded in the past and told her that things have to change, she would step up her game for about a week and then back to normal. She may have awkwardly reached out to kiss me as I got home from work....all the while I knew it was forced. Or, reach over at night time to say goodnight by quickly touching my arm, but I knew it wouldn’t last....never did.

This past week after we had a two day party for my sons 5th birthday (one for friends and one for the family) I was starting to have my issues build up. The entire weekend it was like I didn’t exist. Not to mention it had probably been about two weeks since we had been sexual. (I'm not allowed to confront her with sex anymore as it’s an automatic denial, I have to wait for her to be ready for it.) I sat there on Saturday evening (family party) and watched as all my in-laws (Grandma-Gramps) (Mom-Dad) Aunts /Uncles all either sat on each other’s laps, held hands etc... I knew I would never have that with my wife no matter how many "episodes" I had. Anyways, I told her I was at the end of my rope and said basically told her unless things really change and unless she really tries to be different, I would leave her.

BOMB DROPPED.....and has seemed to have backfired. Since then, I have felt horrible. That feeling you get when finding out somebody cheated on you or doesn’t love you anymore.

She has not done anything since then and has distanced herself ever further. We had a long talk last night for the first time in a few night ( I had to force it) She clearly did not want to talk about it.... Anyways, I tried to get out of her how she was feeling and this is how it came out.

Something along the lines of, “the longer she knows me the more "uncomfortable" sex is with me”. She also said something along the lines of being close friends?? WHAT the hell... That’s crazy and it has been eating at me all day. 

She blames a lot of her feelings on the mistrust over the years. I told you about the rehab and the success afterwards but I have also been caught sneaking alcohol.....Rough times at work and I was drinking more than I should in secret....That was about a year ago and before that there have been issues with my drinking. She is a non-drinker so 2 beers on a Friday and I'm an alcoholic.....very annoying, but...I brought it on myself I suppose.

I find myself trying to be the nice guy and not wanting this to end. She has told me this is how she is and she is just afraid she won’t be able to make me happy. It’s as if she is trying to let me down easy...

I checked phone/text etc and she's not cheating on me. I just know that’s not it. Not to say its not in her head but I honestly don’t think sex or another man is her motive. I really think it’s her and a severe insecurity and fear of intimacy. I probably sound like a babbling fool....just trying to give the most/best info I can so I can get real feedback. I want the marriage to work, I just don’t think she is going to do anything to meet me in the middle. 

I have no clue how to fix this. I feel like it’s worse now that I dropped the D word. If you plan to reply that she’s cheating on me please don’t.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad to see you have admitted your contributions. Unfortunately this is a common complaint. Women need to feel safe and respect a man to want to be with him sexually. Your lies, although you recovered well from the pills, make her distrustful. I'm not saying she'd be a vixen in the bedroom had that not occurred.

Your wife doesn't want to talk about it - but this won't be fixed without talking. I think a real heart to heart is required. You need to let her know that you do NOT want a divorce but that you can tell her feelings have changed and that you really want to earn her trust and her love. Find out if she has already left in her head (too late) or is willing to work on the marriage. Set sex issue aside for now because if the marriage can be salvaged that will be the last thing you two "fix".

Ask her if she is willing to go to marriage counseling. If she doesn't that's a huge red flag. But go by yourself. Perhaps if she sees you trying and leading the way to resurrect things, she'll eventually agree to go and get with the program.

People can change how they are. If she knows affection and sex are important to you and she wants to make it work, she WILL make the effort. Many women find they will enjoy sex once they begin but don't really have an interest until then. This may be how she is, but she needs to meet you half way. You need to commit to never hiding a beer or anything else from her. 

Have you spent quality time daily with each other sans kids over the years? Marriages take tending. Date nights, small gestures, learning each other's love languages - are all important to keeping both the intimacy and the romance alive but you have to resurrect the intimacy first which means really opening up and being willing to listen without being defensive or criticize.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused... welcome to TAM. Just curious, why did you start TWO threads with the same basic topic? Against TAM rules, PLUS you will get much better advice if you stick to one thread so people know the whole story.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I wonder where her hormones are at. That should be checked.

Trust could be an issue and if, I say if, there were nasty insults along they way that hurt her as a woman that would have a negative affect on her sex drive or willingness to start things, get touchy filly. 

Do you ever tell her you love her without wanting sex?

She may just not love you either.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if she does not drink at all, how about go thru the house and throw out every drop of alcohol? You really do not need it, and it would mean a lot to her apparently.

Your marriage is drifting, and luckily ONE of you saw that and wants to fix it. Do the heavy lifting for a while, and see if you can convince her to tag a long.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

confused801 said:


> I am to a breaking point. I love her more than she loves me and it hurts like hell. I'm not sure I can deal with it any longer. Every time I exploded in the past and told her that things have to change, she would step up her game for about a week and then back to normal. She may have awkwardly reached out to kiss me as I got home from work....all the while I knew it was forced. Or, reach over at night time to say goodnight by quickly touching my arm, but I knew it wouldn’t last....never did.


I am not in a sexless marriage, far from it. But I will share what I have observed on this site over the past few years. On this site there is a "Sex in Marriage" forum. I have seen variations of your above statement countless times there. You are not alone.

I have some bad news though. Chances are this isn't fixable. Either you will have to divorce, have an open marriage, or learn to live with the status quo. Those are very likely your only options, and usually people eventually end up with the first option. 

Some marriages devoid of sex or affection have been fixed, but that was usually because of a temporary problem that came up (like a wife being insecure about her weight gain). This thread is a good example of that. However, it sounds like this has always been a problem in your marriage. 

*I personally don't buy her excuse that this is all about trust issues*, because you said she has always been this way, and even her previous boyfriend accused her of being a lesbian. 

Which, btw, is not a joke. She could be a lesbian. It's more likely though she is simply asexual, and doesn't needs sex or affection the way most people do. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but then she needs to be honest with herself, and you. At least if she admitted that, I think it would help you be able to deal with this a little better. 

So where to do now? Ultimatums obviously don't work. And if she's asexual, no one can forcibly change her nature, even if she wanted to. 

*Your next obvious step is marriage counseling*. That won't necessarily get her to love you, because you can't counsel someone into being attracted to someone else. But at least it would get productive dialogue going again, instead of all the stonewalling. And who knows, you might find out there might be other reasons she is acting this way. At an absolute minimum, in the event of a divorce, would help you find ways to deal with that with as little conflict and acrimony as possible. This is especially important since you have a 5 year old son. 

Sorry I'm sounding so pessimistic. But there are a million ways to be happy, and the current road you are on isn't leading to any of them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yep, I agree that she's trying to let you down easy. She's not interested in this marriage.

I think you both need to talk about a realistic plan for divorcing, and minimizing any negative effects on the kids.

Best to you both.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. Ask your wife to read them as well.

Good luck.


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

To all,
Thank you so much for providing such great input. (ALL OF YOU)
I will take what I can and use it. 

Woops on the double threads. I am going to delete the other one because I like this one a hair better. That was an accident by the way...I poste the first thread and then could not find it. So I posted another. This one was written with more hast but more honesty. 

I do tend to drink too much and I know that bothers her.
I dont drink during the week and maybe a 12 pack over the weekend. I just wish she would have a few with me now and then,, Only when friends come over though.

Today I'm still feeling like the whole thing is just going to drag out and end up the same as it always does. I have set up marriage counseling for this Wednesday night and have already arrange a baby sitter for a few hours.

We usually get 1 date night a month. thats it. For years we had none.

I have to be honest, I'm not that into her when we do go out. She has certain qualities I can’t stand. She is very shallow and judges people based on looks/weight/clothes all the time. I don’t want my kids to be like this and tell her its horrible all of the time. I know that makes her sound horrible but she is such a great daughter and mother. 
She is not that bright.  Really hate to say that!! I know it makes me sound like an ass…. No deep or meaningful conversations. I'm not saying I'm a genius but when we are forced to be intimate, like on a date at a nice restaurant, I'm just not that into her.

But Maybe I feel that way because she's not that into me??

We are already back to pretending its fine. I know that’s what she wants. She mentioned to me she is scared for my "next episode"....I don’t think she understands what a divorce would actually mean. She has not discussed this with her family (she probably never would unless it actually happened. She tried talking to my mom about it and did not like anything she had to say. My mom is as biased as any mom could be and really wants us to stay together. She told my wife we needed to read the love languages book and that I am a "positive affirmation" and "needs affection" guy (which I totally am) and that I also needed to read it etc. My wife told me that in bed the other night as if it were silly she would suggest that and I could tell she did not like the other suggestion my mom made. Like "fake it until you make" meaning just rub his back every once in a while and tell him you love him. Wy wife only tells me she loves me after I have told her. She won’t say it. She does not say it to her parents or anybody but the kids for that matter.

I was raised in the opposite kind of home. To this day I tell my brother, mother, step father, sister I love them every time I talk to them. I even tell some men who are very important to me in my life the same. 

I don’t know guys, I will read the love language book with or without her and yes she did agree to go to counseling so that’s a plus. I just don’t feel like she will do what is needed to make this work. 

I will continue to follow the thread and take all advice. I will go delete the other one now. Sorry for my poor spelling/punctuation etc....On the go today with kids and stuff and not much time to proof this stuff.


One last thing to add-
It was me that was ready to leave her just last Sunday….. now that I opened this door, its like I’m the one trying to make it all better. Sorry I could not reply directly to many questions ya’ll had. I will come back to this more on Monday when I’m in the office. THANKS AGAIN AND MUCH APPRECIATED. You guys are very awesome to take the time out to help me with my issues.


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

I have one other thing I reallyu need advice on. If I know my W, either tonight or tomorrow (or soon anyways) will offer up ssex in order to try and smooth things over. She will probably try to spice things up and grab my stuff for 5 seconds before rolling over facing oppsoite me. (Yes, very exciting stuff) 

I think I should NOT give in to this temptation but what should I say? Or shoud I get it on with her?


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

Thebes said:


> I wonder where her hormones are at. That should be checked.
> 
> Trust could be an issue and if, I say if, there were nasty insults along they way that hurt her as a woman that would have a negative affect on her sex drive or willingness to start things, get touchy filly.
> 
> ...


Over the years, out of anger from lack of sex or unintamate sex, YES- I have told her she is Asexual, boring in bed, etc. Its not often and Im honestly very sweet to her. She knows I love her and she knows I love her more than she loves me. 

And Yes, I tell her all the time I love her without sex being involved. 

One thing I've not been good at over the years is the ability to snuggle or touch without getting "excited" and wanting to have sex. This pretty much stopped all cuddling along time ago. 

I think I want sex more becasue I am denied it all the time. Would that even make sense? I honestly feel that is what makes me crazy...

I want it more now than ever! and I cant get it! And If I do it sucks... and leaves me feeling sometimes angry becasue its so bad.

It does not help that she constantly compares us to her only 3 friends' relationships and wouldnt you know it they dont have sex but once a month at best.... CRAZY! and just my luck her friends suck too. She thinks I'm a sex addict or something and I know I'm not. (ok well maybe borderline but I think its just normal guy stuff) 
Ok rant over....taking the fam to dinner.

I'll check back later and thanks for listening!


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> if she does not drink at all, how about go thru the house and throw out every drop of alcohol? You really do not need it, and it would mean a lot to her apparently.
> 
> Your marriage is drifting, and luckily ONE of you saw that and wants to fix it. Do the heavy lifting for a while, and see if you can convince her to tag a long.


You are 100% correct. I did not bring beer home this week and plan not to order a drink at dinner. Hopefully I can hold out on it for a while. I ultimately know its my achiles heel and something I should go without forever,,,but I cant imagine life without a cold beer on the golf course or whilst grilling poolside. Yes I've had my bouts of over sonsumption over the years and its something I have to always keep myself in check with but I'm pretty sure she would like to see me never drink and thats a crappy thought....


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

confused801 said:


> .
> 
> I think I want sex more becasue I am denied it all the time. Would that even make sense? I honestly feel that is what makes me crazy...



Sex is like money - if you don't have enough it will be on your mind a lot.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

confused801 said:


> You are 100% correct. I did not bring beer home this week and plan not to order a drink at dinner. Hopefully I can hold out on it for a while. I ultimately know its my achiles heel and something I should go without forever,,,but I cant imagine life without a cold beer on the golf course or whilst grilling poolside. Yes I've had my bouts of over sonsumption over the years and its something I have to always keep myself in check with but I'm pretty sure she would like to see me never drink and thats a crappy thought....


You sound like an alcoholic.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

From what I have learned from my own marriage is you have to put everything on the table, its up to her to want to help you change your marriage for the better. And is she doesnt help you fix things or reverts to her old ways, then you my friend have a hard choice to make.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

No. Get it out of your head that the problem is you. Just stop that line of thinking.

She wasn't affectionate in her last relationship either remember?

You have to be prepared for the realization that this marriage is over. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm in a similar situation that you are. Tired of being the only one who gives a damn. Begging for even a hug...

Your situation will only get worse if you let it. I was where you are at now about 6 years ago. So far in 2014 I have had sex with my wife 3 times...and it's been a GOOD year!

Don't be me.


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