# I am back and I have learned a lot.



## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm not sure how to link to my past threads.
I had posted on here about several issues, alcohol, infidelity, etc.
I feel like I was groping around in the dark, looking for something that would illuminate my situation, make everything clear and show me what to do.
I was having a LOT of cog dis and I finally understand why.

A friend recommended the book ' the verbally abusive relationship' by Patricia Evans and th book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.
Suddenly everything made sense. I had thought that since I am not getting hit, that my H wasn't abusive.
Well, I was wrong. He is clever and usually masks the abuse by acting sad and complaining and putting out guilt trips.
But everything is there. They could have been writing those books just about him.

We just had our 15th wedding anniversary in April. He blew all the money I had put aside for it on a trip to visit some friends, including a day spent with an exgf. Then he bought himself a new bass to replace the one he smashed while he was mad at me. So we didn't do anything for our FIFTEENTH wedding anniversary. Lol! He even got upset & pouty/sulky when he found out I hadn't bothered to make dinner reservations somewhere like I have always done our entire marriage.

I realized, that day, that I am so fu€king done. I swore right then and there, to myself, that there will not be a 20th.

I have started to enforce boundaries like telling him that he may not define me any more (tell me what I think, feel, am doing, etc) Lol. That did NOT go over well.
I have quit making excuses for him w/ our kids, and I have started making time for friends and telling them what my life is REALLY like.
I am even taking a 12 hr road trip just me and the kids & getting away for a couple weeks. That may not sound like a big deal, but I have never done a drive like that. In 15 years he has always done the driving.
When I get back I am going to start college. I waited 15 yrs for him to get his degree I he always blamed me when he couldn't study & had to drop out. I even did assignments for him & got him A's in several classes. No real gratitude. I couldn't ever keep our 4 kids quiet enough, or I didn't support him enough, or I didn't fill out & submit his ppwork on time-always something.
So, I'm done waiting on him. I am starting school so I can get a real job & not need his $ anymore to survive.

I didn't realize how much of myself I had lost. It happened soooo slowly till I was putting up with sh!t I NEVER would have put up with 16 years ago!

I am starting to remember stuff too. Stuff I had tried really hard to forget. :-( I see his pattern sooo clearly now and feel so angry at myself for putting up with it for so long.
I do not trust him & I don't know if I even love him. I just want to be away from him and his abusive & manipulative BS.

Ug, sorry this is all rambly. There is just so, so much and I am struggling to figure out what to do next, besides the 2 things listed.
I don't feel like I am in physical danger, so I really don't want to take our kids out of their home/school just yet.
Ideally, I would want him to move out, or take a job overseas till I can get my life together. Get my 2 eldest out of HS (4-5 yrs), then sell the house. IDK.

Soooo much to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

This all sounds so completely similar to me. You've been going through it longer, and I don't have children... but the patterns, the behavior... wow. You know, I thought I was smart, smart enough to realize what was happening to me. Smart enough to understand that I was not alone...but I really started to think I was. Until I started reading through this forum. I'm NOT the only one. And we can all get stronger together. Thanks for sharing all this!


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## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Birdie99 said:


> This all sounds so completely similar to me. You've been going through it longer, and I don't have children... but the patterns, the behavior... wow. You know, I thought I was smart, smart enough to realize what was happening to me. Smart enough to understand that I was not alone...but I really started to think I was. Until I started reading through this forum. I'm NOT the only one. And we can all get stronger together. Thanks for sharing all this!


I felt the same way! I thought my H & our relationship was unique & if I could just explain myself enough or the right way that he would wake up, appologize & that everything would get better. I now understand that he is just one of millions of men like this. He snowed me & I let him because I wanted so badly to believe that he loved me & was my best friend, etc.

We aren't alone.

Thank u for your response. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Lily_O said:


> I felt the same way! I thought my H & our relationship was unique & if I could just explain myself enough or the right way that he would wake up, appologize & that everything would get better. I now understand that he is just one of millions of men like this. He snowed me & I let him because I wanted so badly to believe that he loved me & was my best friend, etc.
> 
> We aren't alone.
> 
> ...


This type of gaslighting goes on everywhere, including my recently deceased 10 year same sex partnership. Things were not always like this. It's been over (but not ended) for about one year and during that time my ex became deceitful, then neglectful, and at the very end, abusive. Still I did not want to see it and took all of her crap, even begged for more, because I was not willing to face the reality that she had changed and was no longer the person I thought she was.


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