# Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

so my wife and I are separated. She has made it clear she does not want to be married or come back home. we have been separated a little over a year. Lately we have been having sex. Maybe once every other week. Its been the best ever. She wants me to come over tonight and drink a few with her. I know what will happen and to be honest I like it. But at the same time it can be frustrating. 

She told me two weeks ago that she loved me. First time in years. She said she could not come back though. She is one of those people who has to follow through with something they plan no matter what. She just sent me a text about coming over tonight explaining that she is worried I will read into this and that as long as I understand we are not getting back together, then she doesn't care if I come over. I personally think when we have sex it creates feelings in her that confuses her. Usually right after she always mentions something about the divorce. Her little way of letting me know not to get my hopes up.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This type of situation is usually much easier for a man to handle.

But, 2x/month is where it will likely stay.

Is that enough for you?

Could complicate things with other folks you are going to meet.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I did it, and still do it (occasionally...at my request), but I always, always, always make him use protection, because I don't trust him.

In my opinion, if you can have sex without becoming confused, or emotionally attached, then it's not a bad thing. Once I detached from my ex, the sex became Aaaaamazing!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

perfect time to ask for a threesome imo


(okay so I'm half joking)

ex sex is fine I suppose if-

a) neither of you are committed to others
b) you both have a clear understanding of what it is
c) you don't confuse sex with getting back together or love

I'm not sure you meet all three criteria right now ("C" is where you may be in trouble with)


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Maybe I'm just different, but there is no way on this earth I would do or have done that. You want a divorce? You want to separate? Peace out.

Sex is a bonding experience, and if the marriage is done, I'm going to heal and move on. Sure, it is fun in the moment, but goodness........ not enough fun to validate still being connected to her in any way. Plus, there are many beautiful, sexy, amazing women out there if you take care of yourself and really become happy.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I couldn't do it. It would cloud the issues at hand. You said yourself that its frustrating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I'd focus on finding someone else to knock boots with. FWB, NSA, whatever. But someone you're not trying to distance yourself from. Because sex is a bonding experience, and in my case, it would just prolong the separation process and introduce a lot of pain. 

YMMV.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

toonaive said:


> I couldn't do it. It would cloud the issues at hand. You said yourself that its frustrating.


:iagree:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Think about this, too: How will you feel if she suddenly changes her mind, and the sex comes to a screeching halt? You've gotten somewhat used to it, it feels good. You said yourself -- once she decides something, she feels she needs to stick with it. 

It might be better for you to start putting more space between the times you sleep together, and start weaning yourself off of sex with the ex. That way, you're in control, and not her.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't need to be in love with someone to have sex with them

But I have more self respect than to sleep with someone I don't even like

ETA: and considering the things I've said about my ex then it would make me look like a right muppet if I said 'oh but I'm still sleeping with him'

No way, I'll find someone else thanks


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

1. Complain on TAM about ex
2. Have a bit of "pretend relationship sex"
3. ????? 
4. Profit!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

And the moral of the story, MSC71, is everyone has differing opinions. Do what works well for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Yes, why are you even posting on TAM? Everyones free to make their own horrible decisions! :thumbup:

P.s.: try meth


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you trying to move on? Then having sex with your ex is counterproductive. It will keep you attached, lingering, hanging on, questioning, thinking...


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

From a legal standpoint, it is not smart and could hold up your divorce proceedings.

My lawyer advised me not to have sex with my ex while separated because, in the eyes of the court, it could be viewed as an attempt to reconcile. 

That state I live in requires you do to separated for one full year before filing for divorce. If a spouse moves back in during that time or if you engage in sexual relations with your spouse, that can be viewed as an attempt to reconcile. In the event of a reconciliation, our separation/divorce agreement is voided. 

Seducing a spouse can be used as a way of legal manipulation....it can force renegotiation of separation agreements and it can push your divorce back even further.

It is just not wise. Not wise at all....on so many levels.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Shut up and eat your goddamn lemons.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



HappyKaty said:


> I did it, and still do it (occasionally...at my request), but I always, always, always make him use protection, because I don't trust him.
> 
> In my opinion, if you can have sex without becoming confused, or emotionally attached, then it's not a bad thing. Once I detached from my ex, the sex became Aaaaamazing!



yes. It is amazing too. She said so too. 






angelpixie said:


> Think about this, too: How will you feel if she suddenly changes her mind, and the sex comes to a screeching halt? You've gotten somewhat used to it, it feels good. You said yourself -- once she decides something, she feels she needs to stick with it.
> 
> It might be better for you to start putting more space between the times you sleep together, and start weaning yourself off of sex with the ex. That way, you're in control, and not her.



I will have to eventually. Actually I did for a while. Just recently it started. 






norajane said:


> Are you trying to move on? Then having sex with your ex is counterproductive. It will keep you attached, lingering, hanging on, questioning, thinking...



I have dated. But I'm still separated. And I decided not to date for now. Atleast until the divorce is final. I agree it is counter productive. And at some point I have to end it. Which will be soon. Maybe after tonight...


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



Pbartender said:


> Shut up and eat your goddamn lemons.


Is that what they are called? I'm eating them while the picking is good. Lol


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



Matt1720 said:


> Yes, why are you even posting on TAM? Everyones free to make their own horrible decisions! :thumbup:
> 
> P.s.: try meth


I'm posting for opinions. And no to meth. I dont do drugs.. Well except "Lemons"


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Is that what they are called? I'm eating them while the picking is good. Lol


It's my latest byline... My father once told me, "When life give you lemons, shut up and eat your goddamn lemons."

What you are doing right now is what we like to call "cake eating"... as in "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

It sends mixed signals, and will cause nothing but problems... 

Katy talks about the great sex she's having with her ex, but just go and read through her thread and see just how well it's working out between her and him.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



Pbartender said:


> It's my latest byline... My father once told me, "When life give you lemons, shut up and eat your goddamn lemons."
> 
> What you are doing right now is what we like to call "cake eating"... as in "You can't have your cake and eat it too."
> 
> ...


Or "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade and find someone whose life gave them Vodka and have a party". Lol.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Now is the time to try all that freaky stuff she would never do before. Enjoy it while you can, she is just using you till she finds the next Mr. Wonderful.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Great night. Best ever. But it's the last time. Time to go dark. I'm not good enough to be her husband then done it. No more cake eating


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Katy talks about the great sex she's having with her ex, but just go and read through her thread and see just how well it's working out between her and him.


Pb, I never delivered the impression that things were working out "well" between him and I.

Perhaps you can direct me to the point at which I led the OP to believe that sex was the saving grace of my marriage...


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Pb, I never delivered the impression that things were working out "well" between him and I.


I know you didn't... But it seemed like MSC71 might have been getting that impression.

In your post, you say, "In my opinion, if you can have sex without becoming confused, or emotionally attached, then it's not a bad thing." That's something I can't necessarily disagree with. However...

You have to make the same consideration for the Ex. So, by the same respect, if you can have sex without your Ex becoming confused or emotionally attached also, then it's not a bad thing.

That seems to be what's happening with MSC71 and his Ex, and it might be part of the reason you're having so much trouble with Doucherocket holding out hope for reconciliation.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> That seems to be what's happening with MSC71 and his Ex, and it might be part of the reason you're having so much trouble with Doucherocket holding out hope for reconciliation.


He holds out hope (and I use that term loosely) for R, because he's a narcissist, and he cannot accept that someone is ending things WITH him. He has to be the demolisher, so to speak. Mine doesn't want me...he wants to crush me.

However, I understand what you're saying, and OP's STBXW may be of a different breed.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> He holds out hope (and I use that term loosely) for R, because he's a narcissist, and he cannot accept that someone is ending things WITH him.


Regardless with whether or not you are emotionally detached when you do it, how does having amazing sex with him prove that you _are_ ending things with him?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Regardless with whether or not you are emotionally detached when you do it, how does having amazing sex with him prove that you _are_ ending things with him?


He knows that I am done, hence the begging. And, truth be told, I haven't even been around him since he started this begging, again. I don't have to be in love, with someone, to have sex with them, but I do have to, at least, like the person. Right now, I don't like my STBX.

Regardless, I respect your opinion. You disagree with it, and that's fine. It worked for me (after I detached), and I'll be honest with you - his feelings weren't on the top of my priority list. I had finally learned how to put myself first, and his contentment was no longer my responsibility. 

Still isn't.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Regardless, I respect your opinion. You disagree with it, and that's fine.


Thanks.  It's all good.

I don't necessarily disagree with it... I guess I just don't entirely understand it. It doesn't quite makes sense to me. I'm still trying figure out why you guys do this, when it always seems to complicate and confuse things.

Perhaps it's just another matter of not being about the nail.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> You have to make the same consideration for the Ex.


Not necessarily. Katy's husband cheated on her multiple times. She owes him ZERO consideration.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She owes him ZERO consideration.


What I meant by that is simply that if you're maintaining a sexual relationship, the attitude and emotions of the ex can louse things up as much as your own.

It was meant more as a warning to be aware of that possibility and to protect yourself against the consequences of it, if you do choose to have sex with them.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> What I meant by that is simply that if you're maintaining a sexual relationship, the attitude and emotions of the ex can louse things up as much as your own.


From a legal standpoint, yes. Once I was delivered proof, and filed on grounds of adultery, it was in my best interest to refrain from ANY type of encounter with him, be it sexual or anything else. And, I have. 

Now, after Wednesday, it's fair game, should I feel the urge, and am not involved with someone else.

I doubt that I will, simply due to the fact that I'm not particularly a fan of his. But, his feelings and emotions are of no interest to me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> What I meant by that is simply that if you're maintaining a sexual relationship, the attitude and emotions of the ex can louse things up as much as your own.
> 
> It was meant more as a warning to be aware of that possibility and to protect yourself against the consequences of it, if you do choose to have sex with them.


My dad used to warn me not to fvck with people (no pun intended) because you never know what they will do in retaliation when it ends or otherwise goes badly. His warning was dark and twisted but I think the message is valid.

I wouldn't sleep with an ex because of this life rule. Unusual for both to be detached after marriage.

I do not judge those who choose to do otherwise.

More power to them it's just not for me.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> From a legal standpoint, yes.


Well... I think from a non-legal standpoint as well.

If the ex _doesn't_ have the same emotional detachment, those emotions may lead him (or her, as the case may be) to have mistaken beliefs and unrealistic expectations about the nature of the continuing relationship.

They may end up making unwanted advances and violating your boundaries, which you will then have to expend energy and effort to defend.

His feelings and emotions may be of no interest to you, but they can still cause you problems.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Well... I think from a non-legal standpoint as well.
> 
> If the ex _doesn't_ have the same emotional detachment, those emotions may lead him (or her, as the case may be) to have mistaken beliefs and unrealistic expectations about the nature of the continuing relationship.
> 
> ...


Agreed.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'd consider the 180 if you want to save the marriage. She clearly is just holding on to you as a backup while waiting for some other guy to come along. She is using you as her security blanket and has no respect for you as a man. If you want to save the marriage, you need to end this asap. Otherwise it'll continue as it is now for a time until she finds a new guy and then she will finally be ready to file for divorce, no longer needing you as her backup. It will hurt, and you will have wasted a lot of time.

If you can do the 180, and she really does love you, you will earn back her respect and she'll view you in a new light. Never ever go back to her apartment again, barring some kind of emergency. She doesn't belong there if she wants to be married to you.

If you are really completely over her, then file for divorce and keep having fun with her if she is up for it, but don't let that get in the way of meeting other women.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Divorce is filed. Just waiting on papers. She did mention today that we get along so great now so why go back. And she doesn't want to give me false hope. But I'm ending any contact period. I didnt tell her I was, just doing it.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I can't be friends with someone who quit on their marriage. I tried . I think she likes the idea of us being friends to help her guilt. Of course she is not happy now as I tried telling her divorce doesn't make you happy. You trade in one set of problems for another . Seems much easier to make your marriage what you want rather than run away.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

So much for that. We just had sex again. I'm weak. Sue me. :banghead: I instigated......should not drink beer around her.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Next time she calls tell her "maybe next week" you're busy this week. Try a little more NC see where that goes.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

I'd suggest doing your best to avoid any more encounters with the ex. My STBXW and I had a few encounters a couple of months before I finally moved out, while we were starting to negotiate the dissolution through attorneys. We discussed them before and after. I felt somewhat guilty and worried they might be used against me. She said not to worry because she wanted it too.

Wouldn't you know later, during other disagreements, I got to hear how I used her for sex those times! That was the end of that. 

In addition, I had the opportunity in the last couple of months to date someone else. OMG, how the kissing felt different. Made me realize how unemotional and mechanical physical contact had become in my marriage.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Well she came to pick up our son. So with a child no contact is impossible. But yes, I know what I need to do. I do agree it's best not to do this. I know it's only making my moving on harder.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Well she came to pick up our son. So with a child no contact is impossible. But yes, I know what I need to do. I do agree it's best not to do this. I know it's only making my moving on harder.


Sorry man, I meant avoid sexual encounters. In the months since our last sexual encounter, my STBXW has mentioned to me that she misses sex. I just ignore her. Finally, after years of her using it as a weapon, I have a little power. It doesn't hurt that as a result of the past year, I've lost over 20 pounds, and have done the other things needed to move on successfully. I think it's driving her crazy, but her opportunity passed some months ago when she refused to work with me on the marriage.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Personally , not for me .
So once we were each others world, no thanks l'm going and reducing what that was to now this , insulting you even more , forget it.
l'd rather mess with some new bod if that's how it's gonna be.

You realize her crap has just fizzled out right now so it's "ooo- hang on l'll get x over here "- right ?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



whitehawk said:


> Personally , not for me .
> So once we were each others world, no thanks l'm going and reducing what that was to now this , insulting you even more , forget it.
> l'd rather mess with some new bod if that's how it's gonna be.
> 
> You realize her crap has just fizzled out right now so it's "ooo- hang on l'll get x over here "- right ?


Actually my crap fizzled out so I am the instigator. Regardless I need to stop this


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Actually my crap fizzled out so I am the instigator. Regardless I need to stop this


Oh right , well at least that's a bit better, glad to hear it . But hey , still no good for ya.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sleeping with Ex (Seperated)*



whitehawk said:


> Oh right , well at least that's a bit better, glad to hear it . But hey , still no good for ya.


Yeah. Not good. I know.


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