# Craving Attention.. Need Intimacy NOW before i do something i will regret



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I am faithful. I am loyal. But lately I have spent so much time fantasizing about other men or having an affair that I’m not sure I would trust myself completely if the opportunity presented itself. My husband (together for 14years – Married 8yrs) has always struggled with addictions. Our marriage has always been complicated. When beer turned into pills.. things got really bad. I hated him. He was so mean.. absent and empty. We separated for the better half of two years. We recently reconciled when he finally admitted his addiction and came clean about all the secrets and lies. He has never cheated on me. Even through our separations, I was faithful to my marriage. NOW, he is 8 months “clean” – I say it like that because he is in a program where he has to take daily medication and seek counseling. He is struggling to find himself sober. He is struggling with understanding his identity. I GET IT! BUT what about me?!?!?! I lived through it too! I was hurt, lied to, let down, deprived of attention and love. Now that he is clean I wanted to build the intimacy that our relationship lacked. Recreate a closeness between us. He has no interest. No desire. No drive at ALL! He never touches me. EVER! He blames the meds and it could be a big part of it.. but now I’m dreaming of other men in my sleep. I’m craving for attention.. to be loved.. to be desired. I’m 36years old. I’m attractive. My prime years are passing quickly. 
Have I tried to talk to him? Kind of.. He’s hard to talk to. He flips everything around.. goes back to the past. He doesn’t get it. And I’m afraid if I’m completely straight forward, like I was in this post, he will become obsessive and overbearing looking over my shoulders not trusting me to do anything even though I haven’t done anything wrong.. I don’t want to do anything wrong.. I just want him to get his head out of his ass and start acting like a husband and starting seeing what’s in front of him!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@firefairy, your marriage has suffered a lot of trauma. As such there's bound to be tons of resentment. Add to this the fact that your husband is low desire. Not saying it isn't possible but you need to ask yourself if the enormous effort AND time it will take to fix your marriage is worth it. 

Also understand that the end result of your efforts will most likely not meet your initial expectations. It will be a compromise.

Knowing what I know now, my advice is to cut your loses and move on without your husband and his toxic baggage.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
While 8 months clean is great, it addiction terms it isn't that long & he's still struggling with it. 
Plus he needs to figure out the causes for his addictions. 
This can take a mental & emotional toll on his mind & a slight depression can cause the sex drive to dwindle. 

Did you guys have lots of intimacy before? Or has he always been this way? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

first of all, let me commend you for staying faithful through it all, even through separation.
once upon a time, that would just be a given, but in this day and age, difficult for many people. so kudos to you!
and btw, i don't blame you for craving that intimacy. we all do (or should).

you say you want to rebuild. first question then; do you still find your husband attractive?
are you willing to pursue sexuality with your husband? you imply that you are, but that needs to be clear.

second thing is that because he is so reactive and defensive, you will probably have to shock him into action.
you will probably have to threaten divorce if he does not calm down and stop acting like a kid.
he needs to get off his @ss and act like a man. save your marriage dude, or lose it!

if that doesn't work, i'm afraid you will probably have to leave.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Intimacy has always been an issue.. but prior to this, it was usually on my end. Always having to be the responsible one, the caregiver, raising our kids, taking care of the home and feeling distant and hurt by his behaviors and addiction took a toll on me and I wasn’t very intimate. However, this is the first time since we have been together that he has shown no interest at all in me. No comments. No fire within him that longs for me. 
During our separation, I was able to look at our relationship from the outside and see the things that I could have and should have done differently. Intimacy was one of those things. I saw my mistakes and vowed to try harder to correct my flaws. 
Another thing on my list of frustrations is his beard!! I hate it. I think beards are repulsive, unsanitary and unattractive. He knows this. I know he likes them. So I’m trying my best to accept his nasty beard.. But I had two request. One, keep clean shaved or trimmed very short during the summer, its July.. he has a full gross beard. And two, I’m hard of hearing, I read lips to help me hear.. I asked him to keep the hair around his lips cut back so I could see his lips. I’ve expressed this for weeks now. He still has not cut the nasty hair that is curling around his lip and into his mouth. So needless to say, my attraction for my husband is at an all-time low and somehow I’m still craving attention, affection and well, sex! LOL


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Living without intimacy and sex is really awful for some people. I am very familiar with the feeling, and I would not fault you for trying to find what you need somewhere else. 

I will say though if you do find someone else for sex, consider the possibilities:

It may be bad. You will feel like you have betrayed your husband's trust. You may feel used, dirty, degraded, unhappy. It will be a miserable experience that you cannot undo or forget.

OR

It may be wonderful. You may discover how wonderful it is to be with a partner who cares about you and your happiness. You may fall asleep in his arms and feel like you are in love. You will want to do it again - because good intimacy IS wonderful. This will not sate your desire, but increase it. Eventually you will realize that there is no point staying with your husband when something so much better is available.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you need is to find a therapist and start going by yourself. She'll help you realize what you can - and need - to do to get your life where it should be.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

turnera said:


> What you need is to find a therapist and start going by yourself. She'll help you realize what you can - and need - to do to get your life where it should be.


I would if I could!!! I tried therapy but the only local therapist stopped taking my insurance. I do not have the extra time and money to travel 45 minutes to therapy :-(

I have been working hard to rebuild myself. I recently started working a second job so that I can achieve financial security incase my marriage fails. I have my feet on the ground and my eyes on the prize.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi @firefairy










My name is "Thomas Foolery" and I have been waiting for this moment to come out of no where and give you the attention that you have been desperately needing. I will tell you anything that you want to hear because I need someone to need me too. Here are a few things I will NOT tell you about myself right away:

#1 That is not my real picture above
#2 Thomas Foolery is not my real name
#3 Everything I tell you is not real
#4 I lie about everything
#5 I'll lead you on emotionally for years because our relationship entertains me

I'll close with this. Be very careful about advertising online that you are craving attention. Your experience will be like turning on a fluorescent light in the evening and attracting all sorts of creepy critters that will come flying right at you. 

Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The fact that he knows you hate beards, he knows that you lip read in order to communicate, and he has ignored this and continued to "punish" you by these two things is all I need to know.

But I'll go one better. He may be clean but he sure as he'll isn't sober. Where is the personal accountability? Where is his commitment to honesty? Where are his attempts to make amends? He isn't reaching for sobriety, he is simply staying clean and the vast majority of those who only seek to stay clean eventually fail. They fail because they haven't undertaken the vital steps to grow to a healthy mind that supports a healthy body.


Your husband is passive aggressive and his ability to stay clean is suspect. And on top of those two, he remains uncaring that your needs continue to go unmet.

Time to put this marriage out of its misery.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Try AA. It's not just for alcoholics, it's also there to support those who have been though the other side.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

BadSanta - Believe this.. advertisement is here only!! Not on FB! Not in my everyday life. My past experiences have made me very skeptical and wary of attention. That is more than likely why an opportunity has never presented itself. I’m not one to take the bait. If it isn’t genuine and real, I don’t bite. But thank you for your bluntness, I know that you are completely accurate and I appreciate honestly. If sound desperate, if I’m being unrealistic or self-centered or self-righteous.. Tell me. I like truth. I just wish it was easier for me to speak the truth rather than buttering up my feelings with layers of grease to try to absorb the blow. I’m so weak when it comes to being my own voice. 

Anon Pink - Thank you for confirming so of my own thoughts and feelings. He's such an ass about it all. Whenever I confront him or try to express myself he flips the table around him and makes it about him. The pity me act.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

firefairy said:


> BadSanta - Believe this.. advertisement is here only!! Not on FB! Not in my everyday life. My past experiences have made me very skeptical and wary of attention. That is more than likely why an opportunity has never presented itself. I’m not one to take the bait. If it isn’t genuine and real, I don’t bite. But thank you for your bluntness, I know that you are completely accurate and I appreciate honestly. If sound desperate, if I’m being unrealistic or self-centered or self-righteous.. Tell me. I like truth. I just wish it was easier for me to speak the truth rather than buttering up my feelings with layers of grease to try to absorb the blow. I’m so weak when it comes to being my own voice.
> 
> Anon Pink - Thank you for confirming so of my own thoughts and feelings. He's such an ass about it all. Whenever I confront him or try to express myself he flips the table around him and makes it about him. The pity me act.


 @firefairy you do know it is OK to give yourself some attention while you go through all this! I not talking about giving yourself sexual attention, but more about just taking some time for yourself to step away from everything and remember who you are as a person. An example might be going hiking through a botanical garden on your own, or anything fun that gets you out of the house. Choose things that if your husband were to join you that it would be great, but if not you can still enjoy having some time for yourself or with the kids. 

Ever been kayaking?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Soooooo, you dated a guy with an addiction issue for 6 years and THEN decided to marry him and have kids. He's uncaring, Self-centered, passive-aggressive, mean spirited, and physically repulsive. 

But the only issue you see is that he can't get it up? Do you see a greater problem here?

(You said you like the truth)


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

KillerClown.. I literally laughed out loud at how pathetic I truly am when you spelled it out for me. 

Thanks for the truth. I know its the truth. 

I really have no defense on this one. It’s either that I haven’t reached my rock bottom yet OR he just makes leaving so damn hard; he plays on all my weak sides and makes me feel like a horrible person for giving up on him. 

But yes.. him not being able to or not willing to get it up is the problem of the hour! HAHA

In my younger years I was spiteful. Had this been an issue then, I probably would have started dressing more provocative so that he would feel nervous about the attention I was possibly getting from other men in effort to get him to notice me more. At my age, I’m done playing games and reverse physiology bs!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Good lord, you've wasted a lot of your life. Why did you stay around for your loser husband? You could have been having mind blowing sex years ago. 

Pull the band-aid off and divorce him. You only live once. You'll have major regret 10 years down the road. I bet you already have regret for staying this long.

I think staying faithful is nothing to be proud of. You need to take a long look at yourself and figure out why you've put up with this so called marriage for so long. I put up with a 100% sexless marriage for 5 years and still kick myself. My excuse was very young kids, once the youngest hit 4 years old, I left and finally happy again (and having mind blowing sex).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book, since you can't do therapy, and work your way through it religiously:
The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi | 9781572242524 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

There is regret already. I question if I should have taken him back at all. I was doing ok on my own. I was smiling and laughing more often because the elephant wasn’t in the room all time. But at that point he was trying so hard because we lived apart. He was giving me love, attention and affection, because he wanted to come back home. And above all.. he admitted the ugly truth about his addiction in full and for the first time ever.. wanted to seek help and change. So I gave him another chance. Some things changed. It took me some time for me to learn to trust him again, I still don’t completely. My new mantra has become = not my circus, not my monkeys! Every time I catch myself getting absorbed in his drama or worrying about his sobriety, I chant my mantra and get on with my day. I have come a long way. I’m still learning how to take some time for myself. But I have slowly started making myself more of a priority. In my mind, I’m on my last ride. Do or die. Either it works this time or I’m filing for divorce and not looking back. 

On another note.. I miss mind blowing sex. **sighs**


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thanks, Turnera. Years ago when I was on this site someone advised for me to get Codependency No More. That book taught me a lot. I'll definitely check out your suggestion.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Why is it that you feel guilty?

Look at it from a distance, he is sabotaging the relationship and yet he is selfish enough to make you also wallow in his mess. He creates an environment that is not conducive to nurturing a healthy relationship by making communication difficult. He is placing walls in front of you that you are fighting to break down and it has taken a toll on you.

As I posted in the past, keep detaching and watch for change as he has proven time and time again once he feels safe, he will revert to old behavior.

Also, you mention the lack of intimacy on your own part. Let me ask you this, having taken most of the responsibility of taking care of a home, working, and childcare, what energy did you have to give to a relationship? Not to mention how his drug problem was also an added stress put into the mix. People are likely not to have much of a sex drive while heavily stress as the body is unlikely to produce the hormones necessary for sexual arousal. It is like this, if you are starving where is most of your attention focused on. My guess is survival and not seeking sex.

You need to stop feeling responsible for his well-being and choices. You want him to be happy and well, but again from a distance, has staying with him made him well and happy? Are you happy? You have a choice to whom you place around yourself and those you choose to be part of your life will affect your mental and physical well-being. He is unwell, and in turn he makes you unwell. So, you have sympathy, but for your own well-being, you may need to detach. Know this, staying with him has not helped him be a better person.

Also, I have to ask, is he mostly a wonderful person when you are detaching and he needs to hook you back in by showing you glimpses of what a great guy he can be? If so, it is probably just manipulation or the honeymoon period due to rebonding. So your relationship represents a yo-yo without much stability.

Oh, maybe I might get married when I am in my early to mid-thirties. Who knows. Yes, my brother still lives with me. I just interviewed for a promotion at work and if I get it, I get to boss around middle-aged people, LOL. I came out of retirement just to reply to you ! I was also busy with catching them all as well if you get that reference. I don't care, adults should have fun and live life by catching imaginary monsters that creep me out when I see them around.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Living without intimacy and sex is really awful for some people. I am very familiar with the feeling, and I would not fault you for trying to find what you need somewhere else.
> 
> I will say though if you do find someone else for sex, consider the possibilities:
> 
> ...


It will be wonderful.

One-her-full........For him, not so much.

Get fulfilled...after divorce. 

You have a good record with respect to your fidelity and marriage.

Keep it that way. being true to your vows. A little longer, time-wise 

will not lose [you] a joyous moment.

A loose moment will. Time immoral. Immoral echoing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

firefairy said:


> My new mantra has become = not my circus, not my monkeys!


You may find competition to be helpful. Start your own circus and eventually put your husband's circus out of business!

Your new mantra:


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Oh Mr Fisty how I missed you! I had an ear to ear smile when I saw your name!! Thank you so much for coming out of retirement for me. Like always, I enjoyed your words of wisdom. The slap in the face of reality that I often need. 

I feel guilty because, he basically tells me/warns me that if I leave he will relapse. If he relapses he will most likely kill himself. If that happens, my daughters will have to watch this happen and then bury their dad. It’s a lot of weight to carry. So it’s easier to focus on the little things in life, like the fact that I’m desiring intimacy and can no longer trust myself completely. But like SunCMars said.. I might enjoy the moment but then I will live with the guilt of being unfaithful. 

From a distance, I’m a fool. I know this. From a distance, I’m the kind of girl that I can’t stand.. the one that stays in her miserable marriage even though she is miserable. She tries so hard to make all her wrongs, right. Tries to be good enough for the both them. That’s me. Ugh!

I have detached a lot. I do more for myself. By myself. I have my eye on the goal and keep working towards paying my debt off and building a business. For the most part, I live my life without him, although he lives in the same house as me. Mainly because he has to energy to put into our marriage/family and spends most of the time watching TV when he isn’t at work. The only thing I haven’t been able to do is to completely stop the cycle of him dragging me down with him. 


I’m happy so hear things are going well for you! I am happy to hear that things are working out for you and your girl! How is your brother doing? 

Best of luck to you on your promotion, I hope you get it. I’m sure those middle age men will be a bit bitter at first. Maybe take em all out for a beer one night to smooth things over. Haha!

Umm.. Not sure what you mean.. imaginary monsters.. are you playing Pokemon GO?? LOL!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Awe ****.. my monkeys do fly!!  Love it. Thanks.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Addicts are manipulators and liars. I find that they never change, unless they find Jesus or die. Even when they find Jesus or Allah, it's temporary. I had to lose a brother due to his heroin addiction. He wasn't going to take me down with him. My parents eventually had to do the same.

You should have ran far away a long time ago. Just remember, it's never too late. If I were you, I'd be praying to whoever that he relapses. Then you can walk away in good conscience.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

All I can say is that If I was getting this kind of message at home, 



firefairy said:


> his beard!! I hate it. I think beards are repulsive, unsanitary and unattractive.... his nasty beard......he has a full gross beard...... nasty hair


Not only would I not be interested in sex, I wouldn't be interested in cohabiting.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, that changes everything to me. Leave. 
A threat to commit suicide is a abusively controlling and never acceptable. (and very rarely carried out). 

I wasn't sure before, but I am now. You are being used. 

(I'm sorry - its not what you want to hear but I believe it is true).



firefairy said:


> snip
> I feel guilty because, he basically tells me/warns me that if I leave he will relapse. If he relapses he will most likely kill himself. If that happens, my daughters will have to watch this happen and then bury their dad.
> snip


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Oh Mr Fisty how I missed you! I had an ear to ear smile when I saw your name!! Thank you so much for coming out of retirement for me. Like always, I enjoyed your words of wisdom. The slap in the face of reality that I often need.
> 
> I feel guilty because, he basically tells me/warns me that if I leave he will relapse. If he relapses he will most likely kill himself. If that happens, my daughters will have to watch this happen and then bury their dad. It’s a lot of weight to carry. So it’s easier to focus on the little things in life, like the fact that I’m desiring intimacy and can no longer trust myself completely. But like SunCMars said.. I might enjoy the moment but then I will live with the guilt of being unfaithful.
> 
> ...



He is using emotional blackmail to control you. He is not spending time with you, communicating with you, nor giving you love and affection. Again, the blackmailer is using fear, obligation and guilt to control your actions for his own benefits and he does not have your well-being in mind. Know this, call for help from an institution if necessary and know this, whether his claims are true or not, he is making that choice as you are not responsible for his issues. They were developed prior to you and will likely be there after you.

Look at how he does not have the best interest of the children and may cause them trauma just to hurt and control you. He is an unfit parent and this should be documented if custody should arise. You are not responsible for his life and he is trying to take away your choices. Relationships should be a choice wether one participates or not.

Don't beat yourself on stumbling as change is a slow process. Good job on focusing on those goals and good luck with the business.

My brother is great. He is learning to play the violin so that was entertaining . LOL, he asked his teacher to teach him some anime music.

LOL, they are a mix of older men and women. Funny enough, during lunch, my boss caught me playing Pokemon. I was at the mall and got caught in the women's dressing room. The female that caught me asked me what I was doing, I replied I was trying to catch a Pikachu. Kidding on that last part.... maybe Now become a Pokemon and evolve into a stronger firefairy.. Do fairies eat candy?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You seriously need to move on. This is not going to end well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

firefairy said:


> I am faithful. I am loyal. But lately I have spent so much time fantasizing about other men or having an affair that I’m not sure I would trust myself completely if the opportunity presented itself. My husband (together for 14years – Married 8yrs) has always struggled with addictions. Our marriage has always been complicated. When beer turned into pills.. things got really bad. I hated him. He was so mean.. absent and empty. We separated for the better half of two years. We recently reconciled when he finally admitted his addiction and came clean about all the secrets and lies. He has never cheated on me. Even through our separations, I was faithful to my marriage. NOW, he is 8 months “clean” – I say it like that because he is in a program where he has to take daily medication and seek counseling. He is struggling to find himself sober. He is struggling with understanding his identity. I GET IT! BUT what about me?!?!?! I lived through it too! I was hurt, lied to, let down, deprived of attention and love. Now that he is clean I wanted to build the intimacy that our relationship lacked. Recreate a closeness between us. He has no interest. No desire. No drive at ALL! He never touches me. EVER! He blames the meds and it could be a big part of it.. but now I’m dreaming of other men in my sleep. I’m craving for attention.. to be loved.. to be desired. I’m 36years old. I’m attractive. My prime years are passing quickly.
> Have I tried to talk to him? Kind of.. He’s hard to talk to. He flips everything around.. goes back to the past. He doesn’t get it. And I’m afraid if I’m completely straight forward, like I was in this post, he will become obsessive and overbearing looking over my shoulders not trusting me to do anything even though I haven’t done anything wrong.. I don’t want to do anything wrong.. I just want him to get his head out of his ass and start acting like a husband and starting seeing what’s in front of him!


Don't cheat, file. Don't compromise your integrity because you are unhappy with him. Besides a fling won't change your circumstances. You are not responsible for his happiness, he is not a child and you are not his mother. Only he can help himself.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

firefairy said:


> ...
> 
> NOW, he is 8 months “clean” – I say it like that because he is in a program where he has to take daily medication and seek counseling. He is struggling to find himself sober. He is struggling with understanding his identity. I GET IT! BUT what about me?!?!?! I lived through it too! I was hurt, lied to, let down, deprived of attention and love.
> 
> ...


Relationships are complicated well before adding in addiction. I'm a pretty firm believer the spouse and children of an addict or alcoholic need a professional program & therapy as badly as the addict themself. The spouse and children are often overlooked but need help coping with the past as well as a life of sobriety (with or without the addict).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I am faithful. I am loyal. But* lately I have spent so much time fantasizing about other men or having an affair that I’m not sure I would trust myself completely if the opportunity presented itself.* My husband (together for 14years – Married 8yrs) has always struggled with addictions. Our marriage has always been complicated. When beer turned into pills.. things got really bad. I hated him. He was so mean.. absent and empty. We separated for the better half of two years. We recently reconciled when he finally admitted his addiction and came clean about all the secrets and lies. He has never cheated on me. Even through our separations, I was faithful to my marriage. NOW, he is 8 months “clean” – I say it like that because he is in a program where he has to take daily medication and seek counseling. He is struggling to find himself sober. He is struggling with understanding his identity. I GET IT! BUT what about me?!?!?! I lived through it too! I was hurt, lied to, let down, deprived of attention and love. Now that he is clean I wanted to build the intimacy that our relationship lacked. Recreate a closeness between us. He has no interest. No desire. No drive at ALL! He never touches me. EVER! He blames the meds and it could be a big part of it.. but now I’m dreaming of other men in my sleep. I’m craving for attention.. to be loved.. to be desired. I’m 36years old. I’m attractive. My prime years are passing quickly.
> Have I tried to talk to him? Kind of.. He’s hard to talk to. He flips everything around.. goes back to the past. He doesn’t get it. And I’m afraid if I’m completely straight forward, like I was in this post, he will become obsessive and overbearing looking over my shoulders not trusting me to do anything even though I haven’t done anything wrong.. I don’t want to do anything wrong.. I just want him to get his head out of his ass and start acting like a husband and starting seeing what’s in front of him!


The highlight portion above...seems...disingenuous...not believable. 

You spent this long as a loyal wife - - -when most wouldn't have...Endured so much...much more than most would. I just don't believe that you would cheat. But I do believe that you have the capability to further limit yourself...to deny yourself happiness and a life full of affection, closeness and intimacy. That is the saddest part. 

Your husband's problems are just that...His problems. His sobriety isn't the only issue. he has obligations and responsibilities beyond just staying clean. That is just reality. I am sure he has a sponsor, or counselor of some kind...they may be able to help

I think you should let him read your post and the replies.....If you believe it would be safe to do so. That might...just might...get his head out of his ass. If it doesn't...You are going to have to set yourself free. Its ok, ya know. You can only do as much as you can. This is the only life you get...there are no do-overs. 

I hope you find your way. and thanks...thanks for being a good person....too few out there


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mr. Nail – I was waiting for someone like you to come along. I was hoping someone would shame me for my beard comment. I know it sounds awful of me. Some women love beards.. some hate them. I hate them. I didn’t marry a bearded man. I have never liked them or found them attractive. I have grown to like short facial hair/scruff.. but when it starts getting bushy, to me, its gross. When he kisses me and his drink and food crumbs get deposited on my face, I don’t like that. I don’t want to kiss hair.. I want to kiss lips and skin! Can i ask you an honest question.. Why is hair on your face more important that your wife’s attraction to you? My husband has let himself go in so many ways.. All of those ways, I accepted without any complaints. The beard is just disgusting, in my opinion! Not to mention, it interferes with my ability to read his lips which complicates my disability. 

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to read my posts and comment their opinions or offer me advice, Thank you! 

Mr. Fisty – While I realize that I am not responsible for his choice or his well-being, I do feel responsible for my children and their well-being. That is what grips me. I don’t want them to have to go through that pain. I am trying to protect them, not him. My youngest is at a sensitive age, such loss could destroy her. I have learned that his choices are that, his choices. I cannot make them for him. I cannot and will not clean up his messes. He needs to be a grown man and take full responsibility for his actions and decisions. That is something I learned over the past few years and work hard everyday to remember and enforce.
You are right about taking away my choices. I asked him to promise me that if he went back to being an addict, to leave me.. don’t drag me down that path again with him and don’t lie to me to keep me. I told him; if you have to lie to keep me, I’m not yours to keep.

The violin, That’s great! I hope he learns to play it well. I’m sure it is entertaining to watch him learn. That’s the good thing about being hard of hearing.. I couldn’t really hear all of the instrument practice’s that went on in my house over the years. 

HAHA! That’s awesome! I actually downloaded the app a week or so ago to that I could play with my daughter. We checked it out that night but haven’t played since. TOO HOT to play outside right now. LoL. A stronger firefairy, I like that. And I like candy so I’m going to assume all fairies like something sweet! 

Haiku – I agree. A lot of people don’t realize how difficult it is for the families of addicts. Sometimes I think it’s worse for us because we don't get to numb ourselves to forget about the pain. Therapy is something we could all use. I actually sometimes get jealous that my husband gets counseling each month but if I were to go, he would complain about me spending the money. 

MarriedDude – I wish I could say it wasn’t true. But when I said I don’t trust myself completely, I’m being 100% truthful. Given the right person, the right moment.. I don't know if I would resist my urge to feel wanted. He does have a counselor. I’m not sure how much it is helping him. But having him make an effort to learn about his addictive behavior is better than no effort at all! 
I could never let him read this though, he would pick out all of the negative things I said and not actually hear the real message I am trying to express. It would be a nightmare for me. Thank you for the kindness that you show me in your comment. 


So last night I tried to address some of these issues with him.. I left the conversation feeling like everything wrong is our marriage is all my fault and I’m just impossible to please. I don’t know how he does it. But he is truly intelligent. Maybe the intelligence helps assist him with the manipulation. Sometimes talking to him leaves me feeling so utterly drained and exhausted. And of course my cell phone is now blowing up with apologies and empty promises today.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

firefairy said:


> So last night I tried to address some of these issues with him.. I left the conversation feeling like everything wrong is our marriage is all my fault and I’m just impossible to please. I don’t know how he does it. But he is truly intelligent. Maybe the intelligence helps assist him with the manipulation. Sometimes talking to him leaves me feeling so utterly drained and exhausted. And of course my cell phone is now blowing up with apologies and empty promises today.


Just file the divorce already.... You mistakenly married a pill popping drunk. That's not what you signed up for. Your horny because right now you have the libido of a man half your age. 

If you need a redo then NOW is the time. You don't want to be 46 or 56 looking for a guy. Chalk it up to bad luck and bail now. If you're half as attractive as you claim, you should have no problem finding another guy. 

Stop wasting your life on an addict. HE fvcked up not you. So HE can live with the guilt of a failed marriage. Surely you can do better. You'll find someone else to love. No one is irreplaceable. What are you waiting for?!?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It may simply be time for you to move on. Lord knows you have plenty of reason to! We all need physical attention from time to time. Don't cheat. Just divorce, wish him luck, and move on.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I am going to live one day at a time for a moment. 

Last night he shaved his beard while I was working my second job. I came home and could see his face. He mowed the lawn and cooked dinner. He was making an effort. That's all I ever ask for. Just a little bit of effort everyday. We talked a little.. I've tried to make it clear that I have one foot out the door.. That I'm not falling for the BS he feeds me to calm me down anymore. I want to see real change.. Positive improvements.. changes that will last a lifetime not just changes to stop me from leaving and then fade away a few weeks later. So today is a good day. Tomorrow is a mystery.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I am going to live one day at a time for a moment.
> 
> Last night he shaved his beard while I was working my second job. I came home and could see his face. He mowed the lawn and cooked dinner. He was making an effort. That's all I ever ask for. Just a little bit of effort everyday. We talked a little.. I've tried to make it clear that I have one foot out the door.. That I'm not falling for the BS he feeds me to calm me down anymore. I want to see real change.. Positive improvements.. changes that will last a lifetime not just changes to stop me from leaving and then fade away a few weeks later. So today is a good day. Tomorrow is a mystery.



Good, remember change can take at least six months to a year, perhaps more depending on the severity of the behavior that needs modifying. He also needs to figure out why he behaves the way he does.

I believe that your children are at the age for rapid growth and need stable adults around them. If he does not change his behavior, it will likely impact the mental and emotional development of your children. Plus, I am pretty sure you do not want them to marry someone like him at present.

Bad news is that if he does change for the better, you will still have to eventually deal with years of neglect, hurt,because at present, you are constantly busy and trying to keep the ship from sinking while your husband is punching holes in the boat. Not a lot of time dealing with your own feelings. You will have to go back to the past and deal with all those emotions to get closure on them. People do not easily get over being manipulated and blackmailed, it is a form of abuse.

But, yes, take it one day at a time and just observe his actions and remember it takes a series of actions over time to show a pattern.

Good luck with everything. Going back to retirement. I am getting to old for this, LOL.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I am going to live one day at a time for a moment.
> 
> Last night he shaved his beard while I was working my second job. I came home and could see his face. He mowed the lawn and cooked dinner. He was making an effort. That's all I ever ask for. Just a little bit of effort everyday. We talked a little.. I've tried to make it clear that I have one foot out the door.. That I'm not falling for the BS he feeds me to calm me down anymore. I want to see real change.. Positive improvements.. changes that will last a lifetime not just changes to stop me from leaving and then fade away a few weeks later. So today is a good day. Tomorrow is a mystery.


Change will take time and a ton of effort...he will have ups and downs as he works on these things. 

I do understand your position, one foot out the door and so on, but please rry to remember that positive reinforcement of his changes will significantly improve the probability of sustained improvement. Im not saying you have to be a constant cheerleader for every little thing...but simple acknowledgement of his effort will help. Kindness is often hard to come by, and small acts of it do wonders. 

Again, im not dismissing all that has occurred and the wrongs you have endured, not at all...just that helping him...will help you get what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thanks for the encouragement, MarriedDude. I will definitely try to give some positive reinforcement. 

I’ve tried to let go of the hurt and disappointment that I felt. I try to stay in the now and look forward to the future. My main focus right now is to keep my feet on the ground and not let him manipulate me into giving him chance after chance after chance with not positive changes occurring.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Thanks for the encouragement, MarriedDude. I will definitely try to give some positive reinforcement.
> 
> I’ve tried to let go of the hurt and disappointment that I felt. I try to stay in the now and look forward to the future. My main focus right now is to keep my feet on the ground and not let him manipulate me into giving him chance after chance after chance with not positive changes occurring.


There is nothing else a reasonable person could ask of you. 

It can be difficult to resist manipulation, especially by a loved one. A good method, is simply time. If a request is made, acknowledge it...but dont reapond immediately with an answer...state you need time to consider the request. This will help you to establish a healthy boundary. You are deserving of as much time, space, understanding as you need...for anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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