# I need input from the gentlemen here



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

It was thirty years ago. were each other's first love. We were both college students. We lived together for two years, and were in a relationship for two and a half. I dropped out of college and left him to please my parents and get married to someone more established and living in another country. I left him a message with a mutual friend about my marriage. I wasn't able to contact him directly and honestly was devastated and ashamed of myself because I didn't have enough force or determination to reject my parents' plan for me. I eventually ended up divorcing my husband after twenty-two years of marriage and three children. 

I never heard from him until a month ago. He finds me through my work and contacts me. We live in different countries now. He tells me that he has always been looking for me, has always loved me, and is still single. We started texting and talking on the phone. He still remembers every single detail of our relationship, our conversations, pretty much everything as if it was yesterday. All kinds of emotions came back to me after we started talking. I realized that my love for him is still there. I suggested we meet, and he didn't really agree. He said he needs time before we could meet in person. He wanted to know what exactly happened for me to leave like this without contacting him. I explained to him how it happened and asked for his forgiveness. He told me how devastated and sad he was the year after I left. He shared with me the sad love/breakup songs he still listens to when he thinks about me. He was in relationships but he says he was never convinced by any woman after me so he never got married. It's true that we got along well when we were together. I got married to someone else because of the pressure coming from my family.

So here's the way our one-month phone encounter ended: Last week he stopped answering my texts and when I tried to call him he never picked up. All of a sudden. 

During our conversations he made me a video of the neighborhood where he works: he walked in the streets, showed me his car, the office building where he works, a famous institute next to his work, etc. all in the same video. Also, he is a very romantic guy, very. For example, he still wears the same perfume (by Christian Dior) that I had gifted him for his bday thirty years ago. 

Do you think he is waiting for me to demonstrate that I want him back? Why did he send me this video that shows where he works everyday if he doesn't want me to come see him? Should I just go and wait for him outside of his office building and see his reaction? It might be an ugly reaction, but that would be unlike him. He is calm and composed. What do you all think? Why did he shut down? I don't think he lied as far as being single. We often texted and talked late in the night or in the morning. He even introduced me to his female colleague at work (by phone of course) who said that I sound like a nice person. 

Should I just go see him or should I delete his number and try to forget him again? I'm asking this question in this forum because I would like a man's perspective, especially if you consider yourself romantic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he was that interested in you he wouldn’t have ghosted you. 
However, it could be he’s sick, having major problems, etc.
The problem is you just don’t know. It could be just nostalgia on his part. He could even be married.

Have you done any investigation about him? If not you probably should. It’s been over 20 years.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coquille said:


> He said he needs time before we could meet in person.


I know you want male perspectives, still that's not stopped me from jumping into the Men's Clubhouse before with an opinion. You're welcome, everybody!

Even though I'm romantic with my husband, I'd be applying a cynical lens to your scenario, as that's just how I am. Personally, I wouldn't get caught up in the 'unrequited' and romanticized view of this... it was a long time ago and as @Marc878 suggested, he may just be going through something to initially reach out to you. He's not encouraged meeting in person. I'd leave it at that. I don't think you need to be all or nothing; as in, either delete his number or go visit him. I don't see the need to delete his number, yet I also wouldn't suggest visiting. Just take it for what it is (or was, at this stage). He reached out, you caught up with aspects of your life, he learned what had happened. End of.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No visiting without his permission.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Openminded said:


> No visiting without his permission.


I agree. I actually just emailed him and asked if he would accept to meet me if I go see him. I'll post an update if I have any.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> If he was that interested in you he wouldn’t have ghosted you.
> However, it could be he’s sick, having major problems, etc.
> The problem is you just don’t know. It could be just nostalgia on his part. He could even be married.
> 
> Have you done any investigation about him? If not you probably should. It’s been over 20 years.


Thank you for the advice. It's hard to do any investigation on his personal life. He is a private person and has no accounts on social media. After we separated I did not stay in touch with any mutual friends.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I know you want male perspectives, still that's not stopped me from jumping into the Men's Clubhouse before with an opinion. You're welcome, everybody!
> 
> Even though I'm romantic with my husband, I'd be applying a cynical lens to your scenario, as that's just how I am. Personally, I wouldn't get caught up in the 'unrequited' and romanticized view of this... it was a long time ago and as @Marc878 suggested, he may just be going through something to initially reach out to you. He's not encouraged meeting in person. I'd leave it at that. I don't think you need to be all or nothing; as in, either delete his number or go visit him. I don't see the need to delete his number, yet I also wouldn't suggest visiting. Just take it for what it is (or was, at this stage). He reached out, you caught up with aspects of your life, he learned what had happened. End of.


Thank you your perspective. I tend to agree that it shouldn't be either or. Part of me feels guilty, but if he doesn't want to meet, then I can't do anything.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I think if has given you the cold shoulder after this one-month reacquaintance, it is time for you to move on. It sounds like he may have said he still loves you but something about him has changed and that is something you have to accept.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So he seemed very interested at first, then ghosted you. What did his last communication sound like?
He didn’t want to meet in person? Very strange. Anytime a man breaks off contact, particularly after he says he doesn’t want to meet in person, I’d be very suspicious.
something is off. It’s been a long time. His words don’t match his actions. I’d just move in if I were you. If you were that important to him as he says, he’d move mountains to meet you in person.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he seemed very interested at first, then ghosted you. What did his last communication sound like?
> He didn’t want to meet in person? Very strange. Anytime a man breaks off contact, particularly after he says he doesn’t want to meet in person, I’d be very suspicious.
> something is off. It’s been a long time. His words don’t match his actions. I’d just move in if I were you. If you were that important to him as he says, he’d move mountains to meet you in person.


At first he said he is not against the idea of us meeting; he just needs time before we meet. Our last conversation was very romantic. Reminiscing about our early days. I had to interrupt the conversation because of something I had to attend to at work (I'm working remotely from home), and when I came back and texted him, he was gone and never responded. That's why I came here hoping to gain some perspective from somebody who has gone through a similar situation. Just weird. Anyway, it looks like I better accept the situation as it is and stop asking myself questions that I can't answer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

coquille said:


> It was thirty years ago. were each other's first love. We were both college students. We lived together for two years, and were in a relationship for two and a half. I dropped out of college and left him to please my parents and get married to someone more established and living in another country. I left him a message with a mutual friend about my marriage. I wasn't able to contact him directly and honestly was devastated and ashamed of myself because I didn't have enough force or determination to reject my parents' plan for me. I eventually ended up divorcing my husband after twenty-two years of marriage and three children.
> 
> I never heard from him until a month ago. He finds me through my work and contacts me. We live in different countries now. He tells me that he has always been looking for me, has always loved me, and is still single. We started texting and talking on the phone. He still remembers every single detail of our relationship, our conversations, pretty much everything as if it was yesterday. All kinds of emotions came back to me after we started talking. I realized that my love for him is still there. I suggested we meet, and he didn't really agree. He said he needs time before we could meet in person. He wanted to know what exactly happened for me to leave like this without contacting him. I explained to him how it happened and asked for his forgiveness. He told me how devastated and sad he was the year after I left. He shared with me the sad love/breakup songs he still listens to when he thinks about me. He was in relationships but he says he was never convinced by any woman after me so he never got married. It's true that we got along well when we were together. I got married to someone else because of the pressure coming from my family.
> 
> ...



He is married with kids. He just told you that either 1) to find out why you did what you did and 2) see could he get some strange and or 3) give you a taste of your own medicine.
No man no matter how much in love he was is going to pine for a woman and put his whole life on hold. It does not ring true. And as for you, instead of trying to pull another man, please go and get some therapy or counselling for yourself and become a better woman.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I suspect he is either married or in a long term relationship and has got cold feet as it has become more 'real'. I say this because if I was single in his position we would have met already given your keenness to do so. His stalling is suspicious and could easily be to enable him time to concoct a suitable excuse for his wife or girlfriend.

Time changes people. The young man you were once in love with no longer exists, you have no idea who he is now.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I would like to put forward an alternative perspective where he isn’t the bad guy or where the world in which we live isn’t quite so cynical:

You expressed all your feelings about him before and then dumped him, marrying someone else instead. You really did a number on him back then.

May be he is thinking back to that time, remembers all of the hurt and is frightened of going through it all again. Maybe he doubts you and your intentions.

Your posts say contact was very romantic and would imply he still has all of those old feelings for you. Maybe he is thinking things are moving a bit too fast and is taking a little break to evaluate where he stands.

As you live in two countries, logistically meeting up is a big commitment. You can’t just meet for lunch!

It has only been a week since you lost contact again. Anything could have happened in that time, stressful time at work, ill health, anything. It’s only a week or two.

Personally, I would try to contact him and suggest ways in which you can take this slowly, find out how you feel about each other after that first initial rush and also what has changed this time so you can reassure him he is not going to be heart broken again. Meeting up would be, for me, still further down the road.

It may take a while and you may not get a reply straight away but, if I was him and you gave up on me after a week, I would think my fears were well justified.

You were the one who broke it off last time and I think you need to fight for this relationship to show him you mean it.

Best of luck to the two of you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That wonderful dream he had turned into a nightmare, and now thirty years later, it has revisited him.

That shiny penny turned bad, and has returned to haunt him.

Once bitten, he learned his lesson.

He fears you and your words.

You sought a new opening, he sought answers and ultimately closure.

You left him in limbo and he left you, at last, in the same dark light.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He's probably married and he got found out.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Long ago you dumped him on your terms. Now that he has gotten your interest again, he has dumped you on his terms. At least that's one possibility. You're infatuated with a memory.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

He probably had a couple of drinks in him and had a weak moment.
Now he's sobered up.
Something you must have said reminded him of the girl who ghosted him.
So now he's really sobered up.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sfort said:


> *You're infatuated with a memory.*


This!! Yes, you are reliving a relationship that happened a life's time ago. That's what you and him are not anymore. It's just in your imagination.Reality most definitely is something completely difference. Do you think, that let's say for example, you living with him now for a few months. Do you think that both of you will be in the same relationship you were when in college? not by a long shot. You might not even be compatible as mates.

But in reality the most likely scenario is that he pulled one on you as revenge for what you did to him all those years ago. Most likely, he's marry, or has a steady relationship. He's not willing to ditch that relationship for you. he just most likely wanted to know what exactly happened and decided to get his pound of flesh.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sounds fishy to me and a lot like a Disney movie. He pined for you all these years. He is still single. Wearing the same cologne. Never changing this or that just the way you left it. For a guy you claim to be so romantic why is he still single? Yeah, something is not right here. I would bide my time on this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he gain a ton of weight or lose all his hair and he doesn’t want you to see him and be disappointed?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> I would like to put forward an alternative perspective where he isn’t the bad guy or where the world in which we live isn’t quite so cynical:
> 
> You expressed all your feelings about him before and then dumped him, marrying someone else instead. You really did a number on him back then.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I did hurt him back then. I'll be patient and take things slowly. When he contacted me he had no idea what to expect; he even thought I was still married. He was looking for closure. Anything could be happening with him now. I don't know and I don't feel entitled to know given what happened earlier. I wrote him yesterday just to let him know that I'm not ready to give up on him so quickly. I'll wait and see if he gets back to me. Thanks again for giving me some insight into this situation.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Did he gain a ton of weight or lose all his hair and he doesn’t want you to see him and be disappointed?


No, he hasn't changed much. He did lose hair but he doesn't hide it. He didn't age as much as I did. He has a successful career.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Someone from my past resurfaced when a friend from home mentioned that I was divorced (after several decades of marriage). I had dumped him, after briefly dating, when we were teenagers and he claimed to have cared ever since. I told him that he was remembering a girl who didn’t exist any more and probably I never had really existed the way he remembered me. He was very persistent but I wasn’t interested in being friends or anything else so I finally blocked him. I think he was looking for someone from that earlier time to make his transition out of marriage easier. He probably ended up with the girl he dated before me or the one he dated after me or someone I never knew about. It’s rare for things to work out after several decades apart. I wasn’t willing to try. Maybe you are?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Nailhead said:


> Sounds fishy to me and a lot like a Disney movie. He pined for you all these years. He is still single. Wearing the same cologne. Never changing this or that just the way you left it. For a guy you claim to be so romantic why is he still single? Yeah, something is not right here. I would bide my time on this.


I know. Doesn't it? At least sometimes I think it sounds like there is something I'm missing.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Someone from my past resurfaced when a friend from home mentioned that I was divorced (after several decades of marriage). I had dumped him, after briefly dating, when we were teenagers and he claimed to have cared ever since. I told him that he was remembering a girl who didn’t exist any more and probably I never had really existed the way he remembered me. He was very persistent but I wasn’t interested in being friends or anything else so I finally blocked him. I think he was looking for someone from that earlier time to make his transition out of marriage easier. He probably ended up with the girl he dated before me or the one he dated after me or someone I never knew about. It’s rare for things to work out after several decades apart. I wasn’t willing to try. Maybe you are?


We lived together for two years and our separation was abrupt and due to outside pressure, and I think this is why I discovered that my emotions for him are still there. As someone mentioned earlier, he might be dealing with conflicted feelings and he doesn't want to get hurt again, or he wants me to feel what he felt back then when I disappeared. I am willing to try, but I won't push it. I'll wait and see.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Sfort said:


> Long ago you dumped him on your terms. Now that he has gotten your interest again, he has dumped you on his terms. At least that's one possibility. You're infatuated with a memory.


It's very likely.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> That wonderful dream he had turned into a nightmare, and now thirty years later, it has revisited him.
> 
> That shiny penny turned bad, and has returned to haunt him.
> 
> ...


This thought has actually occurred to me.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Well, there is little doubt that you both remember things as you thought they used to be, through rose coloured glasses. However, is there anything wrong with that? You are both older and wiser and will be aware that you are not the younger versions of you that you were but you will have the essence of who you are.

Slowing down the process may allow you to discover the people who you are today and whether that is enough to move forward. What have you got to lose if you don’t have that spark or if he just blanks you?

As for the revenge theory, does this really wash? Why wait until now? Is it some anniversary that may have triggered him? Also, what kind of revenge is blanking you after a couple of e mails? Hardly devastating.

He may, of course, have cold feet, it may not workout or it may be a revenge thing but, at this stage I don’t think you have anything to lose so you may as well go for it.

Send us a bit of wedding cake if it all works out 😁


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I think you should just leave him alone. Honestly what you did is pretty awful and has probably damaged him. I don't believe you will recapture what you once had. Maybe he realized that and decided he didn't need to give you the courtesy of a explanation since you didn't give him one. Who knows maybe he has been waiting for decades to do to you what you did to him and he catfished you the whole time. 

Whatever the reason, I suspect all of this is just a continuation of the inconsideration that seems to be a pattern in your relationship.



> Anyway, it looks like I better accept the situation as it is and stop asking myself questions that I can't answer.


Probably said by him at one time.

I would really avoid trying to see this as unrequited love, just too much damage, besides you can't love someone have a solid relationship and ghost them without the courtesy of an in person explanation. That is not love.

I mean honestly if he were on here given how you treated him in the past all of us would be telling him to stay away from you. Sorry just being honest.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I have to admit that the thought of him hiding or intentionally obscuring his actual private life immediately occured to me.

I don't doubt he has feelings about you that need resolved.

I was recently contacted by a woman that I was involved with before marrying.

I broke it off with her because I was very wild and irresponsible at the time and it actually plagued me with regret for years.

When she initially got a hold of me, all the old emotions and all the pent up emotions over the years came right to the surface.

I didn't hide that I was married but I did need time to work through the mess that my emotions were.

I'm sure he has things he does need to work through.

I can say that I would be furious with you as I had a similar experience with the first woman I fell in love with.

We at least didn't get far in our relationship before she married someone she didn't love but it made me hate in a way I didn't know was possible. She realized her terrible decision a few years later but I wouldn't have her while she was still married. By the time she got divorced, I had already met Mrs. Conan.

I'm really not sure I buy his story but I will say I have run across one other man in my life who found himself in those circumstances, having never married because he loved the woman he couldn't have that much.

She married while he was forced to go into the military and years later, she divorced and they found each other again.

It does happen but it is very rare.

I would have to know if I were in your shoes.

Best of fortunes.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> Well, there is little doubt that you both remember things as you thought they used to be, through rose coloured glasses. However, is there anything wrong with that? You are both older and wiser and will be aware that you are not the younger versions of you that you were but you will have the essence of who you are.
> 
> Slowing down the process may allow you to discover the people who you are today and whether that is enough to move forward. What have you got to lose if you don’t have that spark or if he just blanks you?
> 
> ...


I like your realistic optimism  Even if he might not be looking for revenge, he might be dealing with conflicting emotions and I have to respect that and let him take his time and decide whether to go forward or not. I wanted to let him know that I am willing to meet and see how things unfold.
I'll definitely update this thread if I hear back from him.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Personally I think you should just leave him alone. Honestly what you did is pretty awful and has probably damaged him. I don't believe you will recapture what you once had. Maybe he realized that and decided he didn't need to give you the courtesy of a explanation since you didn't give him one. Who knows maybe he has been waiting for decades to do to you what you did to him and he catfished you the whole time.
> 
> Whatever the reason, I suspect all of this is just a continuation of the inconsideration that seems to be a pattern in your relationship.
> 
> ...


Appreciate your honesty! I'm owning my past action and for this reason I don't feel entitled to anything.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I have to admit that the thought of him hiding or intentionally obscuring his actual private life immediately occured to me.
> 
> I don't doubt he has feelings about you that need resolved.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your detailed input and for sharing your experience. I have to say that the first thing he told me when we started to talk again is that he was an irresponsible young man and now he is mature and responsible. He did some irresponsible things back then, but so did I and we were in our early twenties. I reassured him that my disappearance had nothing to do with him. it's all on me. I let him ask all the questions that he had and answered them in the most honest way. We spent five hours in this questioning session, and whenever he goes silent I would ask him to ask more questions. At the end of this session he said he felt better as now he has his questions answered. On my end it's not only the love that is resurfacing, but the guilt as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It’s easy to have a fantasy that the person we dumped has patiently been waiting for us to return. We have this deep, dark fantasy that no one can compare to us and that their life has been empty and shallow since our departure and that they haven’t been able to bring themselves to move on and find someone as wonderful and all encompassing as us. We secretly yearn for that kind of centrality in their lives. 

That fantasy makes for great romance novels and Nicholas Sparks movies. 

But the reality is if he really is still single, it’s for a reason and that reason has a higher likelihood that he is some kind of player or he isn’t relationship material. 

It sounds like you come from a conservative and traditional culture if your parents had that much control over you. 

So it stands to reason if he was marriage material and was so inclined, that he would be married. 

Men that are romantic and successful, that aren’t obese or have let themselves go, that want to be partnered - are partnered. 

Yes he may have been heartbroken and likely even embittered when you walked out. 

But if he were half the man your imagination and memory has convinced you he is, then he would have had women coming out of the woodwork and he would’ve been healed up and back on the market in a matter of weeks, months, maybe a year tops if he was badly damaged. 

So what has he been doing the last 19 years? 

This infatuation may have made it feel like time has stood still - but it hasn’t. 

You are both different people than you were 20 years ago. 

You may have each triggered some powerful memories and emotional triggers from the past. 

But we’re not living in the past. We are in the now whether we want to be or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Delet


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> It’s easy to have a fantasy that the person we dumped has patiently been waiting for us to return. We have this deep, dark fantasy that no one can compare to us and that their life has been empty and shallow since our departure and that they haven’t been able to bring themselves to move on and find someone as wonderful and all encompassing as us. We secretly yearn for that kind of centrality in their lives.
> 
> That fantasy makes for great romance novels and Nicholas Sparks movies.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight. This might be the hard, cold truth.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now to be fair, he may have been having his own fantasies of you showing up on his doorstep on your knees in the rain swearing your undying love and devotion to him and disavowing the last 20 years claiming it to be your worst mistake etc etc etc 

You have each kind of fed into each other’s fantasies and have lived the romance novel and the Nicholas Sparks movie.........

.. but each you will will wake up and come back down to reality and the reality is that was then and this is now. 

A significant portion of each of your lives has gone by and you are two different people now. 

He may have woke up and came back into the here and now a little before you did.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that all being said, my confession is despite all my tough talk and being the keyboard warrior that I pretend to be - the truth is I am a romantic and a big softy and I love a good love-conquers-all story. 

Is there a possibility that you could end up riding off into the sunset together? Yes sure and I really does happen for some people time to time. 

It would be pretty cool if you two did realize your love and end up together. 

But the thing is you have to start from today and start as the people you are today and not try to take up where you left off as 21 year old lovers 20 years ago. 

You’d have to start with a coffee date and go from there like any other couple meeting for a first date.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Now that all being said, my confession is despite all my tough talk and being the keyboard warrior that I pretend to be - the truth is I am a romantic and a big softy and I love a good love-conquers-all story.
> 
> Is there a possibility that you could end up riding off into the sunset together? Yes sure and I really does happen for some people time to time.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words! After one of the long conversations we had, we ended with this same conclusion, namely that we should be leaving the past where it belongs--in the past. We both also agreed that we did get along well, and there might be a future for us after all these years. Anyway, I'll wait to see if he wants us to go forward. Otherwise, I don't feel entitled to anything at this point.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

coquille said:


> Thank you for your detailed input and for sharing your experience. I have to say that the first thing he told me when we started to talk again is that he was an irresponsible young man and now he is mature and responsible. He did some irresponsible things back then, but so did I and we were in our early twenties. I reassured him that my disappearance had nothing to do with him. it's all on me. I let him ask all the questions that he had and answered them in the most honest way. We spent five hours in this questioning session, and whenever he goes silent I would ask him to ask more questions. At the end of this session he said he felt better as now he has his questions answered. On my end it's not only the love that is resurfacing, but the guilt as well.


Do you think this might be at the core of things, that he had a lot of unanswered questions and has now had all those doubts resolved? This might be the reason he has dropped off the radar.

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t continue talking to him if you want but you may need to prepare for disappointment. I wouldn’t invest too much emotion in this at the moment and would wait to see if he gets back in contact again. I certainly wouldn’t go down the guilt road, what is done is done, you can’t change it and, if he doesn’t come back to you, it doesn’t matter.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> Do you think this might be at the core of things, that he had a lot of unanswered questions and has now had all those doubts resolved? This might be the reason he has dropped off the radar.
> 
> I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t continue talking to him if you want but you may need to prepare for disappointment. I wouldn’t invest too much emotion in this at the moment and would wait to see if he gets back in contact again. I certainly wouldn’t go down the guilt road, what is done is done, you can’t change it and, if he doesn’t come back to you, it doesn’t matter.


Absolutely. I do think a lot has to do with him wanting answers to his questions. He's been looking for me throughout these years. I have to say that I changed my name when I got married and back then there were no social media and online professional profiles, and this might be the reason he couldn't find me. After divorce I went back to my maiden name. He didn't say anything to make me feel guilty. It's just me and my Catholic upbringing. 

Thank you for your advice. I am trying to adopt a detached attitude after he went silent. If an encounter doesn't happen, then it's not meant to be.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coquille said:


> He told me how devastated and sad he was the year after I left. He shared with me the sad love/breakup songs he still listens to when he thinks about me.
> 
> Also, he is a very romantic guy, very. For example, he still wears the same perfume (by Christian Dior) that I had gifted him for his bday thirty years ago.


Thinking on this... again, disclaimer this is a cynical view.

You did wrong by him and no doubt would have some impact. However.... (are ya ready?) ...if I were in this situation, I wouldn't interpret this as romantic at all. I'd be feeling that it could be a play. Or, if genuine, I'd have trouble respecting that he didn't move on. After 30-odd years, still listening to break-up songs with you in mind? Nah, either I don't buy it or I question why he hasn't matured past this. While I'm not suggesting what I'm about to write is how you view yourself, I am suggesting that if this was relayed to me, I would be thinking 'I'm not all that..' to be someone that a guy has trouble moving on from after all those years, and a relatively short relationship, too. I'd feel, 'Why hasn't this guy fulfilled his life in other ways rather than still be thinking of me - or some image of me that he holds?' Some women might find such a sentiment swoon-worthy. Personally, I don't. Perhaps I can understand the closure aspect from his perspective, to a degree. But on the receiving end of such a sentiment, it wouldn't be alluring to me.

Welcome to my cold-hearted stance!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And on a separate but still related note, OP - how did you learn to progress beyond dismissing your own wants in exchange for others' expectations of you?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Thinking on this... again, disclaimer this is a cynical view.
> 
> You did wrong by him and no doubt would have some impact. However.... (are ya ready?) ...if I were in this situation, I wouldn't interpret this as romantic at all. I'd be feeling that it could be a play. Or, if genuine, I'd have trouble respecting that he didn't move on. After 30-odd years, still listening to break-up songs with you in mind? Nah, either I don't buy it or I question why he hasn't matured past this. While I'm not suggesting what I'm about to write is how you view yourself, I am suggesting that if this was relayed to me, I would be thinking 'I'm not all that..' to be someone that a guy has trouble moving on from after all those years, and a relatively short relationship, too. I'd feel, 'Why hasn't this guy fulfilled his life in other ways rather than still be thinking of me - or some image of me that he holds?' Some women might find such a sentiment swoon-worthy. Personally, I don't. Perhaps I can understand the closure aspect from his perspective, to a degree. But on the receiving end of such a sentiment, it wouldn't be alluring to me.
> 
> Welcome to my cold-hearted stance!


To be honest, I find his attitude both compelling and repelling and part of me wants to see him in person to be able to discern what has been going on in his life and in his mind. I do miss him, but I am also curious to discover the person that he has become.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coquille said:


> To be honest, I find his attitude both compelling and repelling and part of me wants to see him in person to be able to discern what has been going on in his life and in his mind. I do miss him, but I am also curious to discover the person that he has become.


I don't know the type of socio-cultural or family persuasion you had back in the day, but I can't help but think if you were that into him you wouldn't have left.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> And on a separate but still related note, OP - how did you learn to progress beyond dismissing your own wants in exchange for others' expectations of you?


By getting really hurt by my parents' decision. My (now ex) husband turned out to be an abusive narcissist. I couldn't leave the marriage because I had dropped out of college to marry him; I also wanted to protect the children from his abuse. Went back to school, got an advanced degree, and helped put the kids to college. They graduated and are working professionals now. Mission accomplished. Divorced. Last year I was in an 18-month relationship with a prosperous guy who ended up asking me to marry him and work part-time so that I could stay more at home to take care of him. I said no and everything ended there. I guess I learned the very hard way.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You don't know each other anymore. You know who you used to be. 

As others have mentioned he might have reached out just to so he can return the favor of dumping you. Or maybe he's so desperate that he can't find anyone in his current life so he has to dig through the trash can of past love. 

At a class reunion I had a old flame hit on me. I really has a crush on this chick back in the day and it was a huge boost to my ego for her to seek me out. She still looked decent and it was fun talking at first. Keywords....AT FIRST. Then I realized I don't actually know the woman I'm talking to.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't know the type of socio-cultural or family persuasion you had back in the day, but I can't help but think if you were that into him you wouldn't have left.


The exchanges I have been having on this forum are therapeutic in a way. They're helping me think through my emotions, and I thank you and others for that! 

To think of it now, yes, you might be spot on. Back then I did face pressure from my parents to get married to another man, but I didn't resist their decision for several reasons, one of which might have been that I didn't think he was worth fighting for. Yes, we did get along well and he was very sweet, but I thought he didn't have the maturity level I hoped for in a partner. I know I could've and should've fought to complete my college degree and could've broken up with him, but I was attached to him and didn't bear the thought of breaking up with him. He was and still is a sweet person.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coquille said:


> The exchanges I have been having on this forum are therapeutic in a way. They're helping me think through my emotions, and I thank you and others for that!
> 
> To think of it now, yes, you might be spot on. Back then I did face pressure from my parents to get married to another man, but I didn't resist their decision for several reasons, one of which might have been that I didn't think he was worth fighting for. Yes, we did get along well and he was very sweet, but I thought he didn't have the maturity level I hoped for in a partner. I know I could've and should've fought to complete my college degree and could've broken up with him, but I was attached to him and didn't bear the thought of breaking up with him. He was and still is a sweet person.


This sounds like it confirms my theory that you weren't that into him. Maybe in some way you went along with what your family wanted so that you didn't have to make the call yourself - to break it off. Obviously a lot of time has passed. I just caution about getting caught up into some romanticized version that is not based in reality.

When I got together with my (now) husband, I knew there was a 'risk' that he might return to his home country - which presented within the first few months of us dating. He decided to forego the opportunity to go back as he wanted to see what unfolded between us. I didn't ask him to stay as I felt that was unfair, but we did both acknowledge the strong connection we felt. Of course he could have returned at another time but chose not to. From my world view at least, if you're into each other, you prioritize one another. And I don't think he was that much of a priority for you. That's okay, by the way. It's just best to remember that rather than shifting the narrative that you may have stayed together if it wasn't for your family. No, it seems deep down you were able to be swayed as perhaps you didn't feel as strongly about him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also, you mentioned 'first love' ...the guy I was dating before I met my husband (as we met young), I did contemplate whether I was falling in love with him (contemplate being the key word here). However, we had different life priorities and when he started raising that we ought to move in together after a short time, I declined as I wasn't ready for that. Truth of it was, I wasn't ready for that _with him_. Actions speak. Mine did, just as yours did.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

coquille said:


> Our last conversation was very romantic. Reminiscing about our early days. I had to interrupt the conversation because of something I had to attend to at work (I'm working remotely from home), and when I came back and texted him, he was gone and never responded.


Is it possible you leaving the romantic conversation with him in this way triggered something in him?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

coquille said:


> At first he said he is not against the idea of us meeting; he just needs time before we meet. Our last conversation was very romantic. Reminiscing about our early days. I had to interrupt the conversation because of something I had to attend to at work (I'm working remotely from home), and when I came back and texted him, he was gone and never responded. That's why I came here hoping to gain some perspective from somebody who has gone through a similar situation. Just weird. Anyway, it looks like I better accept the situation as it is and stop asking myself questions that I can't answer.


First thought i had was after 2.5 yrs living together you were just gone.....now he is on phone with you and "I got to go" gone again...
Brought up bad memories of ehat you did to him. Opened old wound.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is def an ego boost to find someone from your past wanting to meet up. it gets the brain working, producing those love/sex chemicals. its very addictive.

but, being married....way to many things can go wrong. just get a good romance novel at the supermarket checkout, and vicariously do things that way.

BTW, if you are getting sexually stimulated by all this, make sure your HUSBAND is benefitting from it!


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Also, you mentioned 'first love' ...the guy I was dating before I met my husband (as we met young), I did contemplate whether I was falling in love with him (contemplate being the key word here). However, we had different life priorities and when he started raising that we ought to move in together after a short time, I declined as I wasn't ready for that. Truth of it was, I wasn't ready for that _with him_. Actions speak. Mine did, just as yours did.


Thanks for sharing your experiences. When we started to talk after he found me, he started by saying that he might not have been a responsible or mature person back then, but he is a changed man now. That meant that he felt that if he were more mature back then, I might not have left. I'm not justifying my action. I existed in a horrible way, but deep down each of us knew something about that. Was it fixable? probably. We were too young (read: immature) and too busy (medical school) to work on this.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> it is def an ego boost to find someone from your past wanting to meet up. it gets the brain working, producing those love/sex chemicals. its very addictive.
> 
> but, being married....way to many things can go wrong. just get a good romance novel at the supermarket checkout, and vicariously do things that way.
> 
> BTW, if you are getting sexually stimulated by all this, make sure your HUSBAND is benefitting from it!


I'm not married. Filed for divorce several years ago.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

coquille said:


> Thank you for your kind words! After one of the long conversations we had, we ended with this same conclusion, namely that we should be leaving the past where it belongs--in the past. We both also agreed that we did get along well, and there might be a future for us after all these years. Anyway, I'll wait to see if he wants us to go forward. Otherwise, I don't feel entitled to anything at this point.


Sad part is that the young love could have been all these years and the 3 children could have been y'alls instead of the ex.

But then again, he may have not have been a good dad.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> First thought i had was after 2.5 yrs living together you were just gone.....now he is on phone with you and "I got to go" gone again...
> Brought up bad memories of ehat you did to him. Opened old wound.


I actually thought about this too. It is probable that this triggered him. I left for couple hours but kept texting him to update him, but when I was back he was gone.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Quad73 said:


> Is it possible you leaving the romantic conversation with him in this way triggered something in him?


Possibly, yes. This thought occurred to me.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sorry, i TOTALLY misread that!

my response would be quite different then. Why NOT communicate with him? set up a video chat somewhere, and go over old times with him.

Guys tend to be like that....they look back and say "ho boy, i really screwed up, i let HER get away x years ago"...then one day they finally have enough courage to find you again. It might be nothing, or it might be like heaven


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> sorry, i TOTALLY misread that!
> 
> my response would be quite different then. Why NOT communicate with him? set up a video chat somewhere, and go over old times with him.
> 
> Guys tend to be like that....they look back and say "ho boy, i really screwed up, i let HER get away x years ago"...then one day they finally have enough courage to find you again. It might be nothing, or it might be like heaven


We did have a month-long exchange. Calls, texts, etc. and it was very nice to reconnect. After he stopped answering his phone, I stopped contacting him for a week. Yesterday I emailed him asking if he would see me if I flew to him. He hasn't answered. He might and he might not. I'm not going to insist.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

This thread brings back some memories. I dropped a GF when i was a freshman in college. I was crazy about her. She was Jr or Sr in HS. Went to her parents house and we went into the back yard to show me their trike. Her parents were younger, hippie gen i guess. They fired up a joint. (My parents were older...dad was hard core anti drug, weed smoker(dope head) was in same category with heroin addict so to speak.)

I left there and all i could think is OMG what kind of mother is she going to be if drug use is ok to her and her parents. 

I basically went back to college and quickly extricated myself from her life. Did not try weed until i was 23 in college. She eventially got married and had kids. Her uncle years later told me she had divorced her hubby because she was still in love with me. I was the one that got away. 

If i ever meet her again i will appologize as i have always felt guilt for doing that to her. It is one of the few choices i made that i regret. I had my parents ideas on drug use and made decision based on their ideas.

Years later i say a video of a new singer and thought it was her, blond hair streak and all, untill i started looking her info up. Song/singer...Jar of Hearts by Christina Perry. She was the spitting image of my ex from College.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> This thread brings back some memories. I dropped a GF when i was a freshman in college. I was crazy about her. She was Jr or Sr in HS. Went to her parents house and we went into the back yard to show me their trike. Her parents were younger, hippie gen i guess. They fired up a joint. (My parents were older...dad was hard core anti drug, weed smoker(dope head) was in same category with heroin addict so to speak.)
> 
> I left there and all i could think is OMG what kind of mother is she going to be if drug use is ok to her and her parents.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

At what point does he become too much trouble or too needy as that may help you decide when to move on. Having said that, I do hope he gets back in touch and you sail off into the sunset together.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> This thread brings back some memories. I dropped a GF when i was a freshman in college. I was crazy about her. She was Jr or Sr in HS. Went to her parents house and we went into the back yard to show me their trike. Her parents were younger, hippie gen i guess. They fired up a joint. (My parents were older...dad was hard core anti drug, weed smoker(dope head) was in same category with heroin addict so to speak.)
> 
> I left there and all i could think is OMG what kind of mother is she going to be if drug use is ok to her and her parents.
> 
> ...


@Divinely Favored, if I may add: If you are happily married, DO NOT try to get in touch with her just to apologize or reconnect. All the feelings that you had for her back then will resurface and this contact will end badly. Research has been done lately about what has become a phenomenon now, because social media made it easy to find the one that got away. Statistics show that those happily married end up cheating on their spouse. Leave the past where it belongs--in the past.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> At what point does he become too much trouble or too needy as that may help you decide when to move on. Having said that, I do hope he gets back in touch and you sail off into the sunset together.


That's actually a great question. Having had this conversation on this forum (thanks for your great input and advice), I have decided to just sit back and wait for things to unfold. Time will allow my feelings and thoughts to become more grounded and I'll be able to think about this from retrospect and with distance. Thanks for your wishes. That's kind of you.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

You are a nice lady and I am sure someone is going to think themselves very lucky to have met you in the future.

Hope you stay on here to help others with your experience.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> You are a nice lady and I am sure someone is going to think themselves very lucky to have met you in the future.
> 
> Hope you stay on here to help others with your experience.


Thank you for your kind words. I really like this forum. The people here are helpful and always offer insightful advice.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

coquille said:


> @Divinely Favored, if I may add: If you are happily married, DO NOT try to get in touch with her just to apologize or reconnect. All the feelings that you had for her back then will resurface and this contact will end badly. Research has been done lately about what has become a phenomenon now, because social media made it easy to find the one that got away. Statistics show that those happily married end up cheating on their spouse. Leave the past where it belongs--in the past.


Would never happen. I will not even accept FB friend requests from ex GFs or even female classmates. No females that are not also friends of wife. I was just talking to if i ever ran into her at the store or something. 

I have in past wondered how certain girls lives turned out...but out of respect for my wife i will not look up anyone. 

Out of respect, if i call someone at church i ask for tge husband and my wife will speak to tge wife...but i will not carry onprivate communication one on one with another female, nor wife with another male.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I find it troubling that by your account this guy is indicating that he has pretty much been 'stuck' since you fell out of his life and started a new one with someone else, which has since resolved in divorce. 

I admire and appreciate the concept of romance.

I do not see this man's behavior or the circumstances as romantic. I see it as a huge red flag.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I know this isn't the question you asked, I'm just one for the details (eh, it's both a strength and a weakness).

If you're open to sharing, how did you move away without discussing / contacting him about it all those years before. I mean, as you were living together. How did that work?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I know this isn't the question you asked, I'm just one for the details (eh, it's both a strength and a weakness).
> 
> If you're open to sharing, how did you move away without discussing / contacting him about it all those years before. I mean, as you were living together. How did that work?


I did contact him, but was not able to reach him the first time. He had no phone of his own. I left him a message with a mutual friend explaining what happened, and said I would call again. I never called again for many reasons.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coquille said:


> I did contact him, but was not able to reach him the first time. He had no phone of his own. I left him a message with a mutual friend explaining what happened, and said I would call again. I never called again for many reasons.


Were you living together at the time? (sorry, this is the details side of me). Did he just come home to find your stuff cleared out and you were gone? I'm being nosy. There's no relevance to these questions other than that.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Deejo said:


> I find it troubling that by your account this guy is indicating that he has pretty much been 'stuck' since you fell out of his life and started a new one with someone else, which has since resolved in divorce.
> 
> I admire and appreciate the concept of romance.
> 
> ...


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Hi all, I promised an update when there is one, so here it is: 
I ended up leaving him a voice message saying that I haven't heard from him lately, and I would like us to stay in touch, and I would accept any decision he makes. He texted back saying that he had contacted me mainly to see how I'm doing and to hear from me what happened that I couldn't contact him when I left. For the rest, he said that he doesn't think renewing the relationship would be a good idea because I am with children. I didn't ask why me having (adult) children would be an obstacle to a relationship. I accepted his decision, wished him well, and asked him to be happy. I even said that I hope he would send me his wedding pictures when he gets married because I (very sincerely) want him to be with someone and happy. 
Deep down I have mixed feelings about his decision: I feel sad because it is a sad story, but I also feel a bit of hope for him because I gave him the answers to his lingering questions now, and a bit of a relief because meeting after 30 years and having to travel from one country to another to meet might be not worth the effort, might be leading to disappointment, and in any case it holds a lot of unknowns. So leaving it at this is satisfactory after all. We exchanged our email addresses and promised that we would stay in touch for holidays and birthdays (he had initially contacted me on his birthday). 
Thanks all for all your input!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He wasc


coquille said:


> Hi all, I promised an update when there is one, so here it is:
> I ended up leaving him a voice message saying that I haven't heard from him lately, and I would like us to stay in touch, and I would accept any decision he makes. He texted back saying that he had contacted me mainly to see how I'm doing and to hear from me what happened that I couldn't contact him when I left. For the rest, he said that he doesn't think renewing the relationship would be a good idea because I am with children. I didn't ask why me having (adult) children would be an obstacle to a relationship. I accepted his decision, wished him well, and asked him to be happy. I even said that I hope he would send me his wedding pictures when he gets married because I (very sincerely) want him to be with someone and happy.
> Deep down I have mixed feelings about his decision: I feel sad because it is a sad story, but I also feel a bit of hope for him because I gave him the answers to his lingering questions now, and a bit of a relief because meeting after 30 years and having to travel from one country to another to meet might be not worth the effort, might be leading to disappointment, and in any case it holds a lot of unknowns. So leaving it at this is satisfactory after all. We exchanged our email addresses and promised that we would stay in touch for holidays and birthdays (he had initially contacted me on his birthday).
> Thanks all for all your input!


He was still in love and stuck on the girl that ghosted him back then. The one he was thinking marriage and children with. In his mind you had other ideas and did not want to have that with him. Sounds like he is one who loves deeply and your action nuked him, you having children would be a reminder of his dreams with you that were killed off by your ghosting him. 

Like my ex from HS that i left, her aunt told me she had married, had 2 kids and divorced because she was still in love with me, it destroyed her marriage.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Glad it was a polite resolution.

He probably had an image of you that was stuck 30 years in the past. I know that sounds unrealistic and silly but that was the last time he saw you. If you've ever gone to a class reunion you've experienced the same thing. Add to that the romantic angle and who knows what kind of expectations he had built up in his head. At least you know you made an impression on him years ago.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> He wasc
> 
> 
> He was still in love and stuck on the girl that ghosted him back then. The one he was thinking marriage and children with. In his mind you had other ideas and did not want to have that with him. Sounds like he is one who loves deeply and your action nuked him, you having children would be a reminder of his dreams with you that were killed off by your ghosting him.
> ...


I think you are absolutely right about the children. As soon as we reconnected he asked about the age of my children, and when I offered to show him pictures, he said yes, he wanted to see their pictures. He asked some questions about them, and I didn't understand immediately why my children who are adults and live on their own would be an obstacle to a relationship. You answer makes perfect sense. They are a reminder of me destroying his dreams of us building a family together. 
I do feel profound sadness when I think that he (as is your ex) is capable of sustaining a deep love for so many years, and that love stood in the way of their happiness, while I was not even aware that he would be still harboring that love for so long. (he had told me that although he has a successful career, he is not happy, and that's why I want him to find someone and be happy. I'm truly hoping he can find happiness now that he has the answers to his questions and that I asked him to find someone). Anyway, I can't change the past and I'm hopeful that the future is better.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

coquille said:


> I think you are absolutely right about the children. As soon as we reconnected he asked about the age of my children, and when I offered to show him pictures, he said yes, he wanted to see their pictures. He asked some questions about them, and I didn't understand immediately why my children who are adults and live on their own would be an obstacle to a relationship. You answer makes perfect sense. They are a reminder of me destroying his dreams of us building a family together.
> I do feel profound sadness when I think that he (as is your ex) is capable of sustaining a deep love for so many years, and that love stood in the way of their happiness, while I was not even aware that he would be still harboring that love for so long. (he had told me that although he has a successful career, he is not happy, and that's why I want him to find someone and be happy. I'm truly hoping he can find happiness now that he has the answers to his questions and that I asked him to find someone). Anyway, I can't change the past and I'm hopeful that the future is better.


Exactly! I bet he was thinking, they should have been our children. You were the one that got away.


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