# Should I be worried or is it a joke?



## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

My husband is going out of town for a couple of days on business with some male coworkers. All are married.

I found a text conversation with one of his coworkers about the trip and they were discussing sharing hotel accommodations, etc. My husband asked his coworker "Are there going to be any hot chicks there?" The coworker made a crude joke about masturbation in response, but then suggested they go out to watch a band. My husband wrote back, "We can get a couple of chicks" and suggested that a girl could do sexual things for him. The coworker did not respond to this suggestion, but moved on to business talk.

Do I need to worry or is this just joking between guys? And if it is something to worry about, how should I handle the situation?

Before I get slammed about snooping on my husband, I get paranoid sometimes because he had an EA/possibly PA a couple of years ago that he still denies even though he was confronted with solid evidence. So, yeah, there's some trust issues, and yeah, I do sometimes sneak a look at his texts.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Yes, you need to worry. 

The red flags are waving furiously.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes you should be worried! ESP as you think he has been involved in an EA/PA before.
Is your H away on business often?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You should of course worry.

You caught your husband a couple of years ago in EA/PA.

But these texts are not sufficient to confront him. He will deny, and would say "these are jokes".

Who knows your H may bang a couple of chicks.

Be on hyper alert mode.

How do you plan to protect yourself from STD?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bluebijou said:


> My husband is going out of town for a couple of days on business with some male coworkers. All are married.
> 
> I found a text conversation with one of his coworkers about the trip and they were discussing sharing hotel accommodations, etc. My husband asked his coworker "Are there going to be any hot chicks there?" The coworker made a crude joke about masturbation in response, but then suggested they go out to watch a band. My husband wrote back, "We can get a couple of chicks" and suggested that a girl could do sexual things for him. The coworker did not respond to this suggestion, but moved on to business talk.
> 
> ...


Yes, you need to worry. 

I suspect my STBEH is a serial cheater although I only found out about one, thanks to someone who outed him and OW anonymously. 

This type of discussion is also something I read in some emails, while reading over my STBEH's shoulder a few years back. 

It was a thread between his camping trip friends and it was joking about the state park girls who like to get it on with Married men. 

I thought it was just men talk and joking, but now I wonder about that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If he had an affair and you both rug swept it then its apparent from the messages he hasn't really changed his behaviors to not put himself in the line of fire - in fact he is inviting it and testing his married coworker who seems to be not embracing the comments due to probably respecting his own marital boundaries. So yes you should be concerned about this. Maybe your H is planning a fling or not, but he is certainly trying to be open to it.

So make your boundaries on this clear - this business trip is no excuse for innappropriate behavior, if your H wants your trust he will change his tune, apologize and discuss this, and make every effort to keep you informed the whole trip of what he is doing.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

bluebijou said:


> My husband wrote back, "We can get a couple of chicks" and suggested that a girl could do sxual things for him. The coworker did not respond to this suggestion, but moved on to business talk.


Not cool at all. I talk dumb shyte with my guy friends, but nothing like that. If my W saw my comments, she'd probably just say, "Idiot." and walk off. 

Looks like even his coworker may have thought that comment crossed a line...by changing the subject.


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## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

To answer some questions: 

He doesn't go on business trips often, 2-3 times a year. This sort of texting makes me worry about past trips.

How do I handle this considering he'll try to play it off as a joke?

Considering we've been married for several years and I haven't been diagnosed with an STD (yet), we don't use that type of protection so it would make him really suspicious if I started using all of a sudden now.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay hold the phone. My work friends and regular guy friends make jokes like this all the time. I am sure if my wife looked at them that I would be in trouble. 
I would warn him within an inch of his life. That if he were to do something as stupid getting a stripper that you would cut is nuts off.
I don't think this indicates an EA. I think it is a bunch of guys joking around. 
Again it isn't like he is pouring his heart out or, divulging anything personal. Plus you said the other guys were cracking jokes.
Unless there is something very detailed and personal IDK if I would start ****ing my guns.
Yes he had a PA before, but was it a situation that involving a stripper? Or was it someone he had gotten close too. 
I just know that there is always that one guy that just takes the joke a little too far.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know everybody here is saying this is bad...but you should know that some guys do joke like this in the workplace if they are close.

In my 10 years here I've only been close enough to 1 guy to joke like this...but it did happen. And neither of us ever cheated on our wives...that I know of.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes, some guys do joke around like that...*BUT*, and this is a big but....he was in a PA a couple of years ago. So that's the *LAST* thing he should be joking about. The thing is, he denied it, even with sold evidence. So if I look at the overall picture here, he thinks he got away scot free with the previous affair. His boundaries are way too low. 

If it wasn't for the previous affair, this would be just joking..inappropriate yes..but still joking. The previous affair now makes this a red flag, and that's the difference.


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## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

So, I can tell him I expect no inappropriate behavior, he apologizes (or acts like it), then goes out and does it anyway because he knows there's no way for me to ever find out. Then he comes home with a fake halo over his head, acting like a good little boy. 

Is that how these things go down? How am I supposed to trust him while he is gone when it will be so easy for him to lie? Unless he's on the phone with me for 48-hours straight, who's to say what is happening. Not being snarky about your comment, Lon - just have a bad sinking feeling about this trip.

What is funny is that just last night he was telling me how he lost respect for a married female friend of ours having an affair with a male friend of ours who is permitted to cheat by his wife. So the affair is expected from the man because we've seen him openly have so many, but my husband lost respect for the woman because she was having an affair with this guy. Yes, all this after his text messaging! That's why I was hoping it was all just guy talk/joking.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Well it seems he STILL has that neandertal notion that if you bring a salary and possess the right set of genitalia he's entitled to do as he pleases with no more regard.


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## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

Thanks, guys. It helps to get some more male perspective. These guys do make a lot of sexual jokes. 

I do not know if his EA ever turned physical, so I'm not jumping to that conclusion that he will or ever has gone that far. What has me worried is that he stated (joked?) 2 separate times about finding girls. If it was a joke, why not leave it at one comment and move on?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

badbane said:


> Okay hold the phone. My work friends and regular guy friends make jokes like this all the time. I am sure if my wife looked at them that I would be in trouble.
> I would warn him within an inch of his life. That if he were to do something as stupid getting a stripper that you would cut is nuts off.
> I don't think this indicates an EA. I think it is a bunch of guys joking around.
> Again it isn't like he is pouring his heart out or, divulging anything personal. Plus you said the other guys were cracking jokes.
> ...


Yes, I'm a guy and I will make and appreciate innappriate jokes like this sometimes too, depending on the guys I'm around (though never in the pretext of getting hot chicks out on the town). But based on what OP said she read in the messages it seems like he was the only one joking about infidelity and the other guy repeatedly changed the subject to one not involving infidelity - seems like HE is the one taking the joke too far. But the glaring red flag is the past affair.

And from your comments it seems that you have a stripper in mind here, there are tons of other forms of vagina out there too... And before dismissing my comment there have been multiple instances among my real life acquaintances of the married guy who always takes the jokes too far who actually cheated on his W - it is because attitude affects behavior.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Is that how these things go down? How am I supposed to trust him while he is gone when it will be so easy for him to lie? Unless he's on the phone with me for 48-hours straight, who's to say what is happening. Not being snarky about your comment, Lon - just have a bad sinking feeling about this trip.


Well it is up to you to trust him or not and up to him to earn your trust, if there is no trust you have to decide what you want. However I think it is important for your own behavior to be explicit in the matter, because then no matter what he can't go back and say he assumed you thought differently.

My ex W was having an affair I didn't know about, and during she said she didn't want to be with me anymore, thinks she wanted divorce... and she had a trip planned, was telling me it was a personal retreat because she needed a little time away and without stress - of course when she had arranged it I trusted her implicitly. But after saying the D word I actually wrote her a letter saying I was uncomfortable with her being away when she is putting the marriage on the line, I said I was allowing her to go on the condition she is using the time to heal herself so we can strengthen our marriage, and that I expected complete honesty from her and it was only my explicit trust in her as my wife that I was approving her retreat, and anything intentionally harmful to our marriage vows would be a complete violation of my trust in her and also break my heart.

She went ahead on her trip which was solely to bang the OM... and because I made it explicit, when I found out the OM I realized just how selfish she could be and it helped get me out of limbo so much faster. even though I had no marriage to save it helped my healing process, which is why even though we can't control others it is still very healthy to define our own expectations and boundaries.


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## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

Lon, again, thanks for more male perspective. 

I do not have a stripper in mind. I know my husband and this coworker are big music lovers, so when the coworker suggested going out to see a band after work, I'm sure he meant exactly that. I think my husband was suggesting picking up girls at whatever club they go to when they go see the band.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Lon, again, thanks for more male perspective.
> 
> I do not have a stripper in mind. I know my husband and this coworker are big music lovers, so when the coworker suggested going out to see a band after work, I'm sure he meant exactly that. I think my husband was suggesting picking up girls at whatever club they go to when they go see the band.


yes, from the context of the messages you saw, it clearly is not your H's coworkers you need to worry about, its your H's attitude/behavior.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Can men ever make stupid, crass jokes about this sort of thing?

Of course not!

Awww, s**t! My nose just growed!:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like a serial cheat.

You asked how are you supposed to trust him...

Answer: you're not. And why would you from his past history and present shenanigans.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Can men ever make stupid, crass jokes about this sort of thing?
> 
> Of course not!
> 
> Awww, s**t! My nose just growed!:rofl:


No but a man is being two-faced or incredibly daft if he only has that kind of sense of humor when he is about to go on a business trip with the guys. If it is funny to him, shouldn't his wife of all people know it is just his sense of humor?

I have friends that would joke like this all the time, including when their W is in the room, and not behind their wives' backs. And they have strong marriages.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Sounds to me like he is fishing for this guys frame of mind on the subject. Maybe as a wingman. Sounds like the friend wouldn't bite so be stoked about that and yeah, you should worry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Paulination said:


> Sounds to me like he is fishing for this guys frame of mind on the subject. Maybe as a wingman. Sounds like the friend wouldn't bite so be stoked about that and yeah, you should worry.


That's possible.


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## bluebijou (Jun 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone. From general consensus, guys make crude jokes but not like that. 

Here's an update: I checked his internet history. Last night he looked up a well-known dating site for married people. (I didn't know if I could name it here, but I'm sure you all know the one). Looks like he looked at the main page and the FAQ page. 

At this point, I am considering hiring a PI for surveillance. He will be gone one night and I can't travel because I have to watch the kids. Is this the best course? Has anyone else taken this route?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So... now trolling AFF or alike to hook up while away.
Sorry the bad news.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

If you don't trust him talk to one of his work buddies ,who is married, and talk to him. Mention that you are worried and have him call you if things get out of hand. If you talk to a single guy friend they will have the retarded bro's before ho's mentality. A married man is more likely to call you since they think it will be funny to watch him get his butt chewed out. 
Also if women are invovled you can expect an exceptionally large charge to your debit card. Also check and see if your husband has an insane amount of single dollar bills. 
If you simply cannot trust him then one of your frineds has an emergency and he has to watch the kids that night. remember all is fair in LOVE and war. If you love him love him enough to look out for him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Thanks, guys. It helps to get some more male perspective. These guys do make a lot of sexual jokes.
> 
> I do not know if his EA ever turned physical, so I'm not jumping to that conclusion that he will or ever has gone that far. What has me worried is that he stated (joked?) 2 separate times about finding girls. If it was a joke, why not leave it at one comment and move on?


The part that both bothers and puzzles me is that he seemed to be the only one in on the joke, their was no banter.

Men do joke around like this but it`s always a reciprocal thing, back & forth ribbing.

He got no response at all that would suggest it was some for or a serious inquiry so the part that puzzles me is why he`s doing it when no one else seems interested either way.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Here's an update: I checked his internet history. Last night he looked up a well-known dating site for married people. (I didn't know if I could name it here, but I'm sure you all know the one). Looks like he looked at the main page and the FAQ page.


Red Flag.

That, in addition to the previous history of cheating and the jokes all means he's looking to cheat. Time to install Web Watch or some other computer monitoring software.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Worry!? I'd be flippin' my shet. No doubt your husband was NOT joking. Who jokes like that? Not someone who isn't going to cheat on their wife...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Lon, again, thanks for more male perspective.
> 
> I do not have a stripper in mind. I know my husband and this coworker are big music lovers, so when the coworker suggested going out to see a band after work, I'm sure he meant exactly that. I think my husband was suggesting picking up girls at whatever club they go to when they go see the band.


His friend didn't bite the bait because his friend either 1, doesn't want HIS wife to see that shet on his phone or 2, isn't interested...or 3, both.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Eww. I for one don't understand the crude jokes men share together. It seems so immature, but what do I know, I'm a woman.

I agree with others. He's actively looking for trouble. He obviously doesn't think he'll get caught. I would start monitoring him and get a plethora of evidence along with those emails - doesn't seem like it will be too hard since he's not really covering his tracks.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> His friend didn't bite the bait because his friend either 1, doesn't want HIS wife to see that shet on his phone or 2, isn't interested...or 3, both.


I betcha this co worker also showed his wife those text messages. It's amazing how even during this recessionary period, some people have no problems behaving unprofessionally around their co workers.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bluebijou said:


> Thanks everyone. From general consensus, guys make crude jokes but not like that.
> 
> Here's an update: I checked his internet history. Last night he looked up a well-known dating site for married people. (I didn't know if I could name it here, but I'm sure you all know the one). Looks like he looked at the main page and the FAQ page.
> 
> At this point, I am considering hiring a PI for surveillance. He will be gone one night and I can't travel because I have to watch the kids. Is this the best course? Has anyone else taken this route?


Hire the P.I. for the trip. It will either give you peace of mind or prove that he is doing wrong.


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