# Would you tell your kids?



## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

So after 13 years of marriage, I found out my stbx husband was having an affair (again) and this time he was done and wanted to move on.

We ended up staying in the same house though for a year, living separately. Just recently we finally moved to another state.

My kids are 9 and 12. They know mom and dad are divorcing. My daughter doesn't ask why or quite get it. She's sad and misses her dad but for the most part she's doing good.

My son however, who is 12 going on 13, has asked why this is happening. I'm sure he's heard some of the conversations and fights I've had with his dad, I don't know how much.

I haven't told him about the details on our divorce, like that there was an affair involved.

I did explain that when he's older he'll understand. I told him his dad is on a different path and he doesn't love me anymore and that this is not what I wanted but everything will be ok.

But my son still has moments where he's sad and a bit angry, asking why all over again.

There was one conversation where my son did ask- "does dad like someone else" and I told him "maybe, I don't know" because I really don't know what's going on with the OW.

I'm all about honesty and I want to be truthful with my son so maybe he has a better understanding. Of course I don't bad mouth his father or try to make him sound evil (though my thoughts are different, haha).

Would you tell your kids?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

bbgirl,

Yes your kids should know, you have no obligation to lie to your children or to save your Hs reputation. You have done nothing wrong, but yet have to conceal one of the most painful event of your life, to protect the secret of a dishonest man. 

One of the more uglier aspects of affairs is how third parties are expected to keep quiet about it. Witness Bill Cosby and how long that went on.

Chances are your children already know something and may even have met the OW or heard a phone call to her. 

Your children need to know that OW has destroyed their family and will never be a step-mom or auntie to them. 

Tamat


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yep, tell them. 

Use PC language if it will make you feel better, and it probably will. 

You don't have to say dad is evil, only that he broke a promise to you and hurt your feelings by making a choice to be with someone else. Let them know you are sad (because you are), but that you will be just fine. And tell them over and over and over its not their fault, or your fault (Because sometimes kids blame the betrayed spouse-weird huh?). Then you can always throw in some of the "people change over time" stuff. Its a platitude, but it seems to work at times like these.

And its NOT your fault, you know that right? Spending a year in the same house with him, knowing what was really going on-Honey you need a long stay at a good spa.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes-if your son is asking why; then he should be told. Not any of the details if you do know; but the truth. I have 5 children and three are adults now and know about their Dad's affairs-with him even providing details about some of them. My younger two who are 11 and 13 have never asked me why their Dad and I are getting divorced. When the day comes, I will be honest with them. One thing my counselor did tell me in the beginning was that it was not my job to protect him. I was worried about what the kids would think of their Dad if they knew the truth. Realizing his choices were not mine to make-but something that he chose to do-helped me see that it was OK for the kids to know. The usual not talking negatively about what has happened with your own relationship with him applies; remember it has nothing to do with your kids. He is still their Dad. Sorry you are going through this. Definitely the hardest thing for me has been the impact/fallout/whatever you want to call it on all of my children. I wish I could take it all away.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Be straight with them on a level they can understand.

But yes, tell them.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

What ever you do don't like. Be honest. The kids probably already know most of the truth anyhow they are just looking for you to fill in the blanks. 

Its sad kids even have to go through it but it seems more and more its a everyday thing. 

C


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell them in a way that is appropriate to them and their needs.

This is just another mess your husband's left on your hands, right?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Clearly, I am an odd duck. I wouldn't tell them. 

If asked I would say, that I loved my spouse very very much and that love produced two wonderful children that I thank God for every day. There were good times and bad times, but ultimately my spouse changed in ways that required us to end our marriage. Considering everything, we made that decision together and it was for the best. 

I also believe that it takes two to both make and destroy a marriage. By that I mean that few if any spouses are complete victims. Please understand that this doesn't mean you cause the divorce.

I would never set up a situation where my children might view my soon to be ex as a villian. I would never want them to be put in a postion where they might need to take sides between a mother and a father. 

I would want my kids to love their other parent and be an important part of their life.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

We told our 13 year old son about the OW when we told him we were separating and divorcing. My STBX did all the talking, and said that the two of us weren't happy in the marriage anymore, we both love him very, very much and are so glad we have him, but that he's met another woman that he wants to be with instead. He cried, and we both assured him that it was not his fault in any way, and his Dad actually said (one of the few gifts he's given me) that it also wasn't my fault, it was his. His Dad left because he couldn't deal with seeing him cry, so I stayed with him and hugged him for a while. He asked me if we knew her, I said no, that she lives in another state - he met her while on a trip. He asked me when he met her, and I told him it was seven months before. And that's all he asked me that night. The next day he asked me if I knew what she was like, and I said he should probably ask his Dad, because I don't know her and he hasn't told me much about her. All true, but minus any editorializing.

He admitted he was mad at his Dad - that he should have just left honorably when there was no one else, and he would have respected that. But he still kept a good relationship with his Dad. Over the last two months since we told him and he moved out, they've gotten along as well as ever, if not better.

You can and should be honest. You can do that without embellishing it or being overly negative, and if you refrain from badmouthing him, as you already have, the kids will make up their own minds as to what kind of person they think he is, and his actions going forward will determine what kind of relationship they'll have.


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

All I know is when my dad was having an affair, some how I knew it. I wasn't old enough to understand it completely, but somehow I just knew.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

As someone who's childhood was destroyed by infidelity, I can tell you they have every right to know, as long as you think they are mature enough to handle it. If not now, certainly later. They can't grow up thinking that he is some wonderful person when he is not. They need to know that his behavior is the reason why you are no longer a family.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Clearly, I am an odd duck. I wouldn't tell them.
> 
> If asked I would say, that I loved my spouse very very much and that love produced two wonderful children that I thank God for every day. There were good times and bad times, but ultimately my spouse changed in ways that required us to end our marriage. Considering everything, we made that decision together and it was for the best.


I don't think this is the truth. The husband made a decision that he would destroy the marriage. His wife did not. She was not invited to make the decision with him. He foisted it upon her.



Young at Heart said:


> I also believe that it takes two to both make and destroy a marriage.


This is a ridiculous statement that must have been made up by a cheater and a bunch of gullible people believe it. It takes two to make a good marriage. It takes one to destroy it. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with the marriage for a spouse to cheat. No one is perfect, but that doesn't mean they did anything to destroy their marriage.



Young at Heart said:


> By that I mean that few if any spouses are complete victims. Please understand that this doesn't mean you cause the divorce.


Illogical.



Young at Heart said:


> I would never set up a situation where my children might view my soon to be ex as a villian. I would never want them to be put in a postion where they might need to take sides between a mother and a father.


The person who did the cheating set himself up as a villain. In fact, he is a villain. If the kids recognize that, it helps them to understand their world and process it through eyes of truth, it is better for them, even if it stinks.



Young at Heart said:


> I would want my kids to love their other parent and be an important part of their life.


Me too, but it sucks to be a jerk and have the kids recognize it. People are better off not being adulterous jerks in the first place. It saves a lot of pain for everyone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

One of the reasons it is important to be truthful, but not vindictive, is that the kids see that the betrayed parent is upset. The wayward parent hid what they were doing, so the children do not know that the betrayed parent is responding to something. If the children do not understand that the wayward parent did something to cause the betrayed parent to respond that way, they place the blame on the betrayed parent. This sets up all sorts of problems, but that can be avoided with truth.
Others have done a great job of explaining it should be age appropriate, etc.
The truth does not always destroy the kids relationship with the wayward parent, but keeping the truth hidden often has a seriously negative impact on the betrayed spouse's relationship with the children.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

let your daughter find out on her own.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

As far as whether your kids are old enough to know the details, I don't know. I don't have kids. But in regard to whether or not you should keep back details to make their father look better... No.

Your husband had an affair, and I think even in the twisted world of an atheist, that's still a bad thing for someone to do. Your kids are looking to you for what is and what isn't acceptable behavior. If you sweep your husbands actions under the rug, they could interpret that as affairs being no big deal. You shouldn't lash out in hatred, but you shouldn't sugarcoat the truth to make your husband, or his actions appear to be ok, when they aren't.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Fancie217 said:


> All I know is when my dad was having an affair, some how I knew it. I wasn't old enough to understand it completely, but somehow I just knew.


I think this is how my son feels. I'm sure he knows something happened but doesn't know how to explain it or acknowledge it.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

BioFury said:


> Your husband had an affair, and I think even in the twisted world of an atheist, that's still a bad thing for someone to do. Your kids are looking to you for what is and what isn't acceptable behavior. If you sweep your husbands actions under the rug, they could interpret that as affairs being no big deal. You shouldn't lash out in hatred, but you shouldn't sugarcoat the truth to make your husband, or his actions appear to be ok, when they aren't.


You are right, I had to remind myself that I'm setting an example for my kids. Just like their father is though his is toxic and unhealthy.

It's hard because I'm also a believer in marriage and for better or for worse. But then I'm learning there's a time to walk away out of respect and love for myself.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> And its NOT your fault, you know that right? Spending a year in the same house with him, knowing what was really going on-Honey you need a long stay at a good spa.


It took me a while to realize it was not my fault. I'm still learning that even a year later.
And thank you, I do plan to treat myself nicely one day


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I would never set up a situation where my children might view my soon to be ex as a villian. I would never want them to be put in a postion where they might need to take sides between a mother and a father.
> .


This is where I struggle. I don't want to make him look like the bad guy either but I also don't like sugar coating his actions. 

No way would I make my kids choose sides but I would want them to know why moms been having a hard time and dad, well he's just happy, go lucky....life is great....he got away with it and gets what he wants.

It's just not fair.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is a ridiculous statement that must have been made up by a cheater and a bunch of gullible people believe it. It takes two to make a good marriage. It takes one to destroy it. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with the marriage for a spouse to cheat. No one is perfect, but that doesn't mean they did anything to destroy their marriage.


I see what you mean and agree.

It did take his actions to destroy the marriage. And even after the devastation, I still tried to hang in there and make the marriage work. Me. The one who didn't cheat, lie, or betray him??!!

I was the one that still had hope. But as the lies kept coming in and I saw more of the truth, that's where I had to say no more.

So if I'm responsible for destroying the marriage because I finally had enough, at least I can stand by my reasons and walk away with self worth.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> One of the reasons it is important to be truthful, but not vindictive, is that the kids see that the betrayed parent is upset. The wayward parent hid what they were doing, so the children do not know that the betrayed parent is responding to something. If the children do not understand that the wayward parent did something to cause the betrayed parent to respond that way, they place the blame on the betrayed parent.


Yes!!
My kids saw me cry more times than I can count. They've seen me angry, upset. Seen their father and I argue. But they don't know what I was dealing with.

On the other hand, they see their father happy, going on about his life like things are great (because obviously he gets what he wants) and it's twisted and completely messed up.

It makes it look like there's something wrong with me, right? Mom is crying again....mom is angry....mom is acting crazy.

It's not fair and while I feel like I'm doing them a favor by "hiding" the truth, I think it is hurting them more.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I told my D9 the truth. It wasn't right away, but maybe around the time she turned 8 she was asking questions. I told her that her mom wanted to have a boyfriend while we were married, and that that wasn't allowed when you're already married. Then I told her that her mom chose to move out to be with her boyfriend, and made a bunch of bad choices in our town and didn't want to live here anymore. I didn't have an answer for why she had moved so far away and doesn't call her any more. I told her she should ask her mom about that if she wants to know. I don't think she ever asked and doesn't seem to care at all anymore.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Not only WOULD I tell my kids, I did tell my kids. At the time, I was in my early 30's and they were in 6th grade and 3rd grade--so similar in age to your kids. 

I told them that we were divorcing, and that it was not something I wanted and that I was VERY sad about it, so they were allowed to feel sad or angry or hurt too if that's how they felt. I told them we were divorcing because I found out their dad had a girlfriend and that I believed that being married meant that you only loved each other. And I told them that it wasn't my place to tell them what their dad thought or why, but that since I believed being married meant only loving each other and their dad did not want to break up with his girlfriend, that it was a deal-breaker and that meant that we were divorcing. 

If they asked me why their dad did that or what he thought, I just told them "You know what? I'll let your dad tell you that himself, so if you'd like to know why don't you ask him?" or "That is between you and your dad, but it's okay if you ask him about that." 

It was the truth, it did not make him out to be the bad guy, it gave them a place to talk about what they believed, and it gave them permission to have feelings about it. Their dad (my exH) was less open to sharing his beliefs and feelings and things, but that is HIS issue, not mine.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

bbgirl said:


> This is where I struggle. I don't want to make him look like the bad guy either but I also don't like sugar coating his actions.
> 
> No way would I make my kids choose sides but I would want them to know why moms been having a hard time and dad, well he's just happy, go lucky....life is great....he got away with it and gets what he wants.
> 
> It's just not fair.


He is the bad guy. He's a lying, cheating scumbag. He cheated on his wife(you). One of the worst decisions anyone could make in their entire life. And not only did he do it, he revels in it. Your kids need to understand that that's not ok.

If you're a christian, then this is doubly important. He's violating his marriage oath before God, and engaging in an adulterous relationship. Your actions need to testify to your children that his actions are wholly unacceptable.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You are modeling proper relational behavior to your kids. Your husband cheated on you, if your kids see that your response is "Oh, daddy just decided that he loved someone else", then they're going to learn that having an affair is completely fine.

Do you want to be complicit in teaching your children that an affair is all good and proper? Do you want your son to break some girls heart because you didn't want to make your husband seem like a "bad guy"? Your job is to teach your children how to live and behave. They are learning what is acceptable, and unacceptable from you. Do you want them to learn that an affair, while painful, is a choice that's ok to make?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think Affaircare handled it perfectly.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> You can and should be honest. You can do that without embellishing it or being overly negative, and if you refrain from badmouthing him, as you already have, the kids will make up their own minds as to what kind of person they think he is, and his actions going forward will determine what kind of relationship they'll have.


This is the perfect answer, it is age appropriate, to the point and not vindictive. I don't think lying is a good answer, but the response needs to be age appropriate. I also don't think you need to take the blame, you are still being true to the relationship and he should man up to what he is doing. Take one attagirl for being a comforting mother in this difficult situation.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

BioFury said:


> He is the bad guy. He's a lying, cheating scumbag. He cheated on his wife(you). One of the worst decisions anyone could make in their entire life. And not only did he do it, he revels in it. Your kids need to understand that that's not ok.
> 
> If you're a christian, then this is doubly important. He's violating his marriage oath before God, and engaging in an adulterous relationship. Your actions need to testify to your children that his actions are wholly unacceptable.


Thank you, I am a Christian and I have been trying to find a way to tell them without it being inappropriate. I do want them to know the importance of marriage and that it's not ok to lie and have an affair.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

bbgirl said:


> Thank you, I am a Christian and I have been trying to find a way to tell them without it being inappropriate. I do want them to know the importance of marriage and that it's not ok to lie and have an affair.


Good, I know its a tricky field to maneuver. But imo it would be far better for them to think evil of an evil man, than for you to down-play his evil behavior merely because he's their father. I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but your children are the next generation. I wouldn't risk the corruption of their morality in exchange for saving face for your ex-husband.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I asked my son a month or so after we told him about our divorce and the OW if he thought it was the right thing for us to do. I should never have questioned it - but at this point, my STBX was still annoyed that we told him, and that I had told his family members and our close friends, and had sent me on a guilt trip for "making him" tell our son.

My son said, "Of course it was the right thing to do. Why wouldn't it be? It's the truth, isn't it? If you lied or covered it up, I'd eventually find out anyway, and then there'd just be more drama."

I agree with Affaircare and others who've said it's important to let them know why you've been so sad and upset. My son told me after we told him that he had asked his Dad a month before why I was so sad lately, and that his Dad told him it was because my job was stressing me out. Nice. God forbid he try to prepare him for what was to come that he caused. Instead, let's imply that Mom is an overly emotional mess who can't handle her job.

Beauty is truth. Truth, beauty. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know. (John Keats)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If they're at the age where they're asking questions then I'd advise telling them, but in an age-appropriate way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Kids are a lot smarter than you think and they should always be included in any information you may have. They need to be told as subtly and unemotionally about it as possible with reassurances that it is not their fault, and that nothing is going to happen to them; that they will be looked after and cared for!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WORLDJR91 (Aug 19, 2015)

Interesting question. I don't think Kids should know to be honest unless they are much older (teens) and you were separating or divorcing. I think there some thing kids shouldn't know. I know would not want to know. But I guess it really depends. Young children at least should definitely not know. It likely they will find out somehow someday anyway. Obviously if the father is leaving their Mother for the mistress then maybe they should probably know what going on or what happened. 

It likely kids will figure it out at some point and will sense something not right. They are smarter then we think and probably kinds of knows. 



David Letterman said in the May Rolling Stone Interview that Harry (who was 5 when they came to light) does not know about his affairs and the blackmail attempt that came from it. he said that one day he will have to have a conversation with Harry about what happened But he does not yet. 

obviously when you are famous it is different. 


But then I was thinking I wouldn't be surprise if Harry (who now 11) already kind of know a little about it or knows that something happened with his father and between his parents when he was younger even if he doesn't know the whole story or all of the details of what happened. He was 5 a age where you really are starting to remember stuff. He had to have known that there was a period where Dave was (getting negative press) on all the TV News shows, in all the magazine covers and and front page headlines and the Press and paparazzi hounding him and his Mother at school asking for questions about his Parents Marriage. 

It likely He has recollection of seeing his Mom going through a lot of anguish, Pain and anger and was mad at his Dad and his aprents going through some stuff right at the same time. Kids are smarter then we think they are. He of course not going to say anything not at last until he a teenager and at this point those types of memories probably still a little fuzzy but became stronger as you become a teen. But kids son't forget those kind of things. 


My Mom recalls one time when she was pretty young her mother once really freak out on her father and they had a fight but to this day she doesn't know why. I mean they had arguments before but she remember that particular one for a whatever reason. 


But anyway there some things you don't want to know about your parents and there some things you don't want your kids to know. Who want to know that their Father cheated on their Mother not once but several times? Nobody want to know that. 

unfortunately when you are especially the child of someone famous you going to learn and hear things about a parent that you don't want to know or hear about , wish you didn't know or things that may upset you. But that still ring true for kids of non famous parents.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A kid of 12 and above should be told the truth (not all the gory details obviously) but kids of this age are not as innocent as perhaps many of us were at that age,. they know alot more than we give them credit for and of course they have witnessed more than we realise, so don't try and 'protect' them, there is no point, it just makes for more confusion.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

In my opinion it was your husbands decision to leave, therefore it is his responsibility to explain his reasoning to his children. You and your husband, need to sit your kids down and your husband needs to tell them why you are getting divorced. 

The thin line of this conversation must be that you and your husband are a united front, kids need stability and they need assurance that everything will be okay after the divorce is said and done. Showing you and your husband on good terms will only lessen the stress divorce is causing your kids. Thankfully your kids are older and they can somewhat understand, divorce for kids is hard especially when joint custody/parenting time is involved. 

I know my 9 year old stepdaughter has difficulty with traveling to see her mother who is nonexistent in her life, by her own choice. My husband and his exwife have not been on the best of terms. 

If you approach this delicate situation in a threatened or unstable manner, you will cause fracture in your family, and please be aware that at some point this will come back to you and your kids might blame you for your husband leaving, perhaps that you didn't keep him happy and such like that, (none of which is true) your husband decided to cheat of his own choice. 

Just continue to be loving and kind to your kids, supportive as you have always been and eventually the questions once answered once and for all, won't give them so much grief. Hope this helps you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

toomuchlove87 said:


> In my opinion it was your husbands decision to leave, therefore it is his responsibility to explain his reasoning to his children. You and your husband, need to sit your kids down and your husband needs to tell them why you are getting divorced.
> 
> The thin line of this conversation must be that you and your husband are a united front, kids need stability and they need assurance that everything will be okay after the divorce is said and done. Showing you and your husband on good terms will only lessen the stress divorce is causing your kids. Thankfully your kids are older and they can somewhat understand, divorce for kids is hard especially when joint custody/parenting time is involved.
> 
> ...


uh-huh .... a united front. Right.

Sorry, but this just isn't always possible or even realistic. There are far more WS who refuse any responsibility for their actions and leave all the hard work, including telling the kids, solely to the BS.
In a perfect world the parents would work together. But in a perfect world they never would have had to.
This is just not practical.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Being a united front is not something you do for yourself or for your husband, it is something you do for your children. Far too many parents are selfish in terms of getting back at one another or being in constant disagreement. This causes major issues for your children. I have seen it first hand with my stepdaughter and her mother. My husband always tried to work with his exwife, but she insisted on constantly bad mouting my husband to her daughter, and telling her things were daddys fault. 

Behavior like this is just childish. Being a united front does not mean you never disagree. It means being a united front, in front of your children. Arguments don't happen around the kids, they don't need the stress of the divorce. 

That is why I said she needed to sit down her kids, with her soon to be ex husband, and explain the situation to the kids. Supporting your kids despite your differences is what parenting is about, and that is what being a united front means. Not kittens and rainbows and the divorce is just dandy. It means being a stable foundation for your kids, so that when the earthquake comes, the house doesn't fall down with them inside it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Being a united front is not something you do for yourself or for your husband, it is something you do for your children. Far too many parents are selfish in terms of getting back at one another or being in constant disagreement. This causes major issues for your children. I have seen it first hand with my stepdaughter and her mother. My husband always tried to work with his exwife, but she insisted on constantly bad mouting my husband to her daughter, and telling her things were daddys fault.
> 
> Behavior like this is just childish. Being a united front does not mean you never disagree. It means being a united front, in front of your children. Arguments don't happen around the kids, they don't need the stress of the divorce.
> 
> *That is why I said she needed to sit down her kids, with her soon to be ex husband, and explain the situation to the kids.* Supporting your kids despite your differences is what parenting is about, and that is what being a united front means. Not kittens and rainbows and the divorce is just dandy. It means being a stable foundation for your kids, so that when the earthquake comes, the house doesn't fall down with them inside it.


And if he's not on board w/ any of that...?


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I feel like I always disagree with most of the advice in the forum. I would not tell the kids the truth until they are much older.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sixbravebulls said:


> *I feel like I always disagree with most of the advice in the forum.* I would not tell the kids the truth until they are much older.


Perhaps that alone should tell you something.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

3putt said:


> Perhaps that alone should tell you something.


Like what?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sixbravebulls said:


> Like what?


Well, the fact that you acknowledge that you seem to disagree with most of the advice here would suggest to me that you aren't quite as 'educated' on adultery as the rest of us. I don't mean that to be an insult, but most of us around here have read enough on the subject from sources outside this forum that we are usually pretty close to drawing the same conclusions in any given situation.


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

Well, my ex ww did because it was her mess she created and it was up to her, not me to explain to girls of 11,13, and 15 years. It was a long time ago, but I recall, the girls went upstairs and had a "team meeting" for a few hours.
Then life continued and they knew their parents loved them, but were not "mom and dad" but a mom and dad.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I agree. Tell them. But keep it at their level. I told my kids just enough, but they are 15 and 16 and they eventually figured out more and make comments about what he must have done...they are smarter than we think they are. 

So now when they say things like, "he probably spent thousands of dollars on hookers..." OR "no wonder he can't get promoted, he's probably watching porn at work.."I don't deny it. I just let the comments rest right there in the air.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Being a united front is not something you do for yourself or for your husband, it is something you do for your children. Far too many parents are selfish in terms of getting back at one another or being in constant disagreement. This causes major issues for your children. I have seen it first hand with my stepdaughter and her mother. My husband always tried to work with his exwife, but she insisted on constantly bad mouting my husband to her daughter, and telling her things were daddys fault.
> 
> Behavior like this is just childish. Being a united front does not mean you never disagree. It means being a united front, in front of your children. Arguments don't happen around the kids, they don't need the stress of the divorce.
> 
> That is why I said she needed to sit down her kids, with her soon to be ex husband, and explain the situation to the kids. Supporting your kids despite your differences is what parenting is about, and that is what being a united front means. Not kittens and rainbows and the divorce is just dandy. It means being a stable foundation for your kids, so that when the earthquake comes, the house doesn't fall down with them inside it.


You really don't understand.
WS, are often, well almost always, selfish creatures. They, often, are not good parents-certainly not when they are in the fog. They, often, do not act in the best interest of their children. And THEY are the ones who refuse to make a united front for the best interest of the children.

So your advice to sit him down and have a joint conversation is the "kittens and rainbows" advice. It is not the reality most BS will EVER be able to experience. And I am speaking from experience. Nice in theory, but unrealistic.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

It only becomes impossible when neither work together. That is the selfish part, that a husband and wife cannot put their pride to the side for a few seconds to be the sturdy rock for their children. 

If your husband is uncooperative, you continue to be, you don't instigate fights, or respond when he is trying to start them. When you can't create a united front through unity, sometimes you gotta use force. 

Saying that its impossible, or unrealistic is just a cop out. You either care about your kids or you don't and if you do care, then you will do everything you can to make sure they don't see the nasty side of what divorce can become. You have to be the person they can rely on, the one who doesn't try to sway them to one side or the other. 

Put your selfish ways aside, and think about your kids first. That should be what every parent has on their minds. When you find your kid hung up in his bedroom because he was so depressed about parents fighting, then you will understand. It is a horrific moment to see your child dead right in front of your eyes. 

My father's friend and his wife were getting divorced and they fought like cats and dogs in front of their son, the father was usually the instigator. His son murdered him in his sleep. 

Our actions are sometimes the only things our kids can rely on, and as parents its our responsibility to make sure our kids don't get wrapped up in stuff they don't need to be. Like Divorce. There are hundreds of ways to be a united front, its finding which way works. Maybe you don't be around each other at all when the kids are around, maybe you don't talk on the phone when the kids are there, text, email, anything. Just don't drag your kids into whatever highschool drama you've got cooking in your soul. That's all I am saying. It is possible, and it can work. If someone is unwilling though, then yeah, it becomes a fantasy, it becomes a dream and it will never happen. Life takes work, you can't just coast through on your skirttails.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

3putt said:


> Well, the fact that you acknowledge that you seem to disagree with most of the advice here would suggest to me that *you aren't quite as 'educated' on adultery as the rest of us*. I don't mean that to be an insult, but most of us around here have read enough on the subject from sources outside this forum that we are usually pretty close to drawing the same conclusions in any given situation.


There is a certain amount of groupthink on TAM. There is a range of opinions out there that are respected elsewhere, but not in the TAM community. Try taking a "Marriage Builders" approach to infidelity in CWI if you want to see what I mean. 

So it's maybe a bit harsh to dismiss anyone who disagrees with the prevailing wisdom here as uneducated.

Or maybe I'm just saying that because I don't always agree with what I read here, and I need to feel good about myself. 

:grin2:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Saying that its impossible, or unrealistic is just a cop out. You either care about your kids or you don't and if you do care, then you will do everything you can to make sure they don't see the nasty side of what divorce can become. You have to be the person they can rely on, the one who doesn't try to sway them to one side or the other.


Sadly, I have seen too many cases where this just isn't possible. You have to be open to the possibility that it will happen.

In telling the kids, you also need to be sure there is absolutely no vitriol, no desire to make your STBX look bad. I think that is easier said than done.

One day I think your kids probably need to know, but do they need to know *now*?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> It only becomes impossible when neither work together. That is the selfish part, that a husband and wife cannot put their pride to the side for a few seconds to be the sturdy rock for their children.
> 
> If your husband is uncooperative, you continue to be, you don't instigate fights, or respond when he is trying to start them. When you can't create.


You cannot make someone do something they don't want to.
Trying to control the other parent and force them to cooperate or manipulating them into it are abuse tactics and not very effective.
If the other parent doesn't take responsibility and doesn't want to be in unity (which obviously adulterous people don't want to be in unity with their spouse or they wouldn't have divided the marriage by secretly adding another person) the only reasonable thing to do is to take personal responsibility and help the children to deal with the situation as well as possible. That includes telling them the truth at their developmental level.


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