# Emotional Abuse, Addiction now losing my love



## srfitzgr (Jul 30, 2012)

Hi,

This will be my first post, but have read many threads to try and help me coup what's going on in my life. Forgive me if I ramble as I'm trying to do this for advice and theraputic needs as well.

I'll start off with both my wife and I are very successful at a young age. Together, we both became millonares by 26, her at 28. We have been married for 4 years in August and I'm currently 27 and she is 29. We have a ton in common from travelling, religous, political beliefes, laugh at everything together same tv shows and interesets.

I have always been a depressed person. My childhood was rattled with dad drinking, hurting my mom, watching my mom try to stab my dad, to being bullied through middle and high school broken relationships and multiple times cheated on. I watched a good friend die in my arms at 16 and tried to commit suicide at 14...I pulled the trigger of my parents gun but it wasn't loaded thankfully. I only say this up front ot give context to some of my actions below as I will get into my therapy sessions.

My wife and I met in college at the age of 20 and 22 (I was a junior she was going for her masters). We both got out of really bad relationships and starting seeing each other. We worked together and had some amazing physical contact during the work day in private locations. You know once of those hot and steamy things during the summer.

There was times where I went back to my ex-girlfriend for a day or two since she at the time was the love of my life and I had a broken heart, at the time my wife was a "rebound" of sorts.

A year later we moved into my aparetment while we finished our last year of school. During this time I was mean to her I remember one time she upset me and I threw all her stuff down the stairs in our apartment.

We had more good then bad times at this point and decided to buy a house together when we graduated.

We bought a house and this is where I started to become emotionally abusive. We never learned to fight, almost everytime a problem came up I ran away from it, yelled at her, used divorce as leverage to get what I wanted. I would put her down watch her cry and not care. On top of this, a main driving factor was me wanting to smoke weed. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and play video games. I never thought it as an addiction since I was a succesful and never did it during the work day. When she wanted to do something I would rather smoke. Now, there are still some good times with us having fun, laughing or travelling but much more negative than postive feelings. I remember one time of me pretending to flush my wedding ring down the toilet because I wanted to hurt her or not get my way.

There was times I talked to girls online to get confidence or attention since I pushed my wife so far away. About 1.5 years into marriage she had a 6 month affair with a business partner of hers. I blame myself for pushing her that far away, she could have left instead o rmoved out however I still blame myself for pushing her to that with the way I treated her.

We have sex pretty much once a month and nothing even close to how we were in college. After her affair we were actually in a good place we decided to build a second home, one for our future family. During this process she found out I was talking to another girl online. She "forgave me" and we decided when we moved into this new house we will do a fresh start for everybody.

We moved in April, we had a couple fights once including me blowing up at her in public about our sex life. After that incident I don't know if you want to call it an epfiny or what but I was just sick of being an angry person, sick of not being in control with my emotions. I told her I wanted to go to therapy. I have been going 2 times a week since and it has been a complete game changer. From the first post is why I acted this way towards her, I always hid from emotions and never learned to communicate properly and was never in control. Since therapy I have never felt feelings like this before...my love for my wife amplied by 10x but also when she hurt me which I'll get into, its 10x worse. I stopped drinking coffee, stopped drinking and haven't smoked weed in 3 months.

During my "change" I saw her pulling away from me. She saw me changing and did not know what to do with the "new" me as she wasn't used to it. We still hung out had fun and even on July 4th went with her parents to a winery. Her in laws love me and I them the best anyone can ask for.

She left to Boston on a work trip a few days after the 4th and this is where my entire life came crashing down. I had a gut feeling something was going on as she hasn't been talking to anyone about what was going on in our marriage. Not her mom, maybe her best friend but with me I had friends my parents and my therapist.

To make a long story short, I checked our joint account and found hours of calls and texts daily from a number in boston. THese calls started right after the blow up in the public place when we first moved into our new house. I found out who he was, realized it was another business partner of hers. She told me she was going to a redsox game with her friend Matt. So i asked Matt and there were no plans. I checked her email and found pictures with this guy at the baseball game and other places...she left a few days early from when she actually had to be at work that week.

This happened about 4 weeks ago. When she got home she continued to deny the affair lie even when I showed her evidience. We had a long talk about what she was going through

She was not sure if she was in love with me anymore
She never got to date in her 20's
She doesn't know if my changes will stick
She doesn't know if she can get over our past

She doesn't want to lose the love of her life
She doesn't want to regret leaving me
She doesn't want to not have kids by the time shes 30

This is what she has been trying to figure out for the past few months and nowe are seperated so she can focus on that. I told her she had to stop talking to this guy during that time and she agreed since hew as only a friend...a week into our seperation I found out shes talking to this guy again but on her work blackberry.

Since then she has moved out and we share the house on an every other week basis. She agreed to go to marriage counseling for one session where she admitted fo rhaving feelings for this guy and would not stop communicating with him. My therapist even told me I have to accept an open affair and just give it a week for our next session???....She is still unsure about us and apparently is going to give me an answer tomorrow if she wants to fix things or not.

Even during this seperation we have talked a few times at work, a I have made her laugh and smile but here we are. I know my gut tells me she wants to end it since she is chosing to keep talking to this guy over me and other details I haven't posted.


The last few months have been the hardest of my life. I accept and take responsiblitiy for treating my wife awful. She is one of those women that come once in a life time and called it immatury, problems in my past or what have you I pushed her away. I was mean, I had a drug problem and I wish I could have recognized that in the past as I feel this is to little to late.

Going from owning two gorgeous homes, learning to be intouch with my emotions, feeling things I have never felt before, trying so hard to make this marriage work and show my wife I love her, being cheated on during this process, finding this out, stopping all forms of drinking, drugs or caffeenie, to going from a millionare to living with his parents. Dealing with all this in the span of 3 months is just destorying me.

I have tried everything I possible can and I am really happy for the changes I made to my life for better or worse but it's just so hard to realize what you have done, lose the love of your life someone so amazing.

TL;DR - Emotionally abused to my wife, drug addictions, finally changed genuailly, found out she has feelings for another man, looks like divorce will happen.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Wow, you have been through so much! My heart goes out to you. I don't know if I can offer any advice that you would find helpful. Only that through my experience, I found that you can not make someone love you and see things the way you want them to. The best you can do is what you have been doing- work on yourself. 

It's fantastic that you have made so many positive changes in your life, but I would caution you to make those changes for you and you alone, not in an attempt to "win" her back. Consider this, if she chooses ultimately not to come back, do you think you would backslide into your old destructive patterns? 

I empathize with your grief, especially if you feel like you may be responsible. From your story, it sounds like you both made mistakes you regret. No one is perfect. We are all trying to do the best we can with the lot we have been given.

Do you think that she began to "pull away" only after you started therapy and showing improvement, or only that you just started to notice? If she was involved in an affair prior to this (if I understand it correctly), then perhaps it was guilt on her part and she may be using this as an excuse to justify her behavior. There are no good reasons for betraying someone you have made a commitment to for better or worse. 

You will find in other posts that many recommend something called 180. It's not about giving up on your marriage, only placing the focus on yourself so that you can pull back from the situation and give you and your W a chance to work through this with dignity without added pressure. The benefit is that even if your marriage does not survive, the 180 can help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead.

If you can't find information about it, PM me and I can send you a copy of what I've got. 

I wish you the best and hope that you will find solace you need on this forum. Take heart that you are not alone!


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## srfitzgr (Jul 30, 2012)

Thanks Bonte, reading through some of these forums does give me relief. To answer some of your questions:

I don't think I changed because she was pulling back, I didn't even notice until maybe the last month or two that she was. I changed because I was fed up with the way I was and so sick of my past and it affecdting me.

I go to therapy multiple times a week for the last 4-5 months and continue too...However my last session yesterday I feel that I am slipping backwards. I want to start drugs or talk to girls online, I haven't but its creeping on me again.

I think she was pulling way before therapy but me changing I don't think she knew what to do with it and continued so. We still hung out did fun things and even a week before I found out she was cheating had a great time with her parents at winery. Then its like a switch flipped and all hell broke lose. She continues to blame me for everything even in MC and says her therapist says its ok for her to continue if it makes her feel better??


The W and I had our 2nd MC yesterday where we are now considering a "controlled seperation" and we will agree on terms today it seems.

I am just a wreck, I keep blaming myself for everything and just wish we could move on. She keeps telling me as of yesterday she want's a baggage free relationship, my response was everyone has baggage she called me nieve thats only our perception...

She says he doesn't want to have to check up on me for trust issues and she is worried in 6-12 months or if we have kids the problems will just come back again. My respons to her was we are finally trying to fix the problem with professional help and this isn't me saying yea i'll fix it and 3 weeks later i revert back. I have been doing this for months and will continue so but it just feels she keeps throwing excuses at me as to why it won't work.

We are going on 4 months of her "I don't know" Always a 5 out of 10 1 being foot out the door 10 being fully committed.

I should have anger or something but all I do is cry myself to sleep everynight thinking of what might have been if I wasn't such a jerk. We were so close to having a family and an amazing life and now she thinks a fresh start is much easier than working through our problems. 

Thank you for your support and i'll search for the 180


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Addiction is hard to beat. My father was an alcoholic. It made him miserable and unfortunately, it took his life way too early. So, I have seen what it can do to a person and those around them. Often, when we grow up in this kind of environment, as you did, it becomes a never-ending cycle unless we are brave enough to become aware of our destructive thoughts and actions. It takes a great deal of fortitude, and you should be proud of yourself to be taking steps to reverse it. 

This will be a lifelong process, day by day, so try not to beat yourself up. Be gentle and patient with yourself. 

Do you have any other support outside of therapy? Look for support groups online. There should be some in your area. It is crucial to surround yourself with people who understand and are going through the same thing (at different stages of healing). When you feel like you are slipping, this kind of support (whether at meetings or a sponsor on the phone) can help you to stay on track.

As for your W, I have also found that people can come to resent when someone in their life begins to recover as this forces roles to change. So, yes, she probably doesn't know what to do with it all, especially that she seems already conflicted. 

My STBXH didn't seem to give me any signs, either, that he was not happy in the marriage. It was like a flip switched- it seemed to come out of nowhere. There were problems, as in any marriage, but I didn't believe they were insurmountable or to be so bad to rock the foundation of our relationship. He was still making plans with me for our future as early as days before he dropped the bomb. As I've read posts on TAM, I've discovered this is often the case. The spouse is always the last to know. Maybe it's denial for us and/or our spouses. Who knows? However, with reflection, many find there were some signs after all. 

I think perhaps your counselor might be telling you to accept the affair and her feelings, because frankly there is not much else you can do. That said, it doesn't mean you have to like it. Again, this is when I recommend concentrating on you and your needs. She will do, feel, and think what she will. We have no control over others, only ourselves. 

My STBXH also preferred to run away and make a "fresh start" instead of facing our problems. It might feel good to them now, but in the long run, it never will work out unless they, too, deal with their underlying issues. Instead, they will continue to bring the same conflicts to any new relationship. 

I've had difficulty finding my anger, too, despite my STBXH's selfish behavior and poor treatment of me. There are stages to mourning, and that is what you are going through. You are saying good bye to what was once your reality and all the hopes, dreams, and expectations that come with it. There is no telling what the future may hold. Hopefully, you will reconcile and you can both move forward into a more healthy and loving relationship taking with you the lessons learned. However, there is the possibility that you won't and this is a difficult thing to resign one's self to. Being in limbo sucks and it's going to hurt for a long time. 

Feel your sadness, because this is what you need to do for now. Please don't let it overwhelm you, though. Take steps to take care of you! When my STBXH left, I had no desire to eat and found it very difficult to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep. But, it will get better! Find things that give you some joy and keep you occupied, as depression has a nasty way of spiraling down to the point where it is difficult to get out. Some on the forum have suggested hobbies, exercise, or charity work. 

As for blame, it takes two. It is hardly ever one person responsible for the breakdown of a marriage. I hope you can find forgiveness for yourself and through insight, come to understand your relationship dynamics. You are only human and because we grew up in abusive homes, became reactors instead of actors to cope with the confusion and overwhelming feelings. This has a way of effecting every aspect of our lives. 

Okay, I've rattled on enough. I hope that you are feeling a little better today. Stay strong and keep posting... it helps!


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## srfitzgr (Jul 30, 2012)

Thank you and I will continue to focus on myself and get through these issues. I do have support system of family and freinds outside of therapy which does help.

I met with the W today and went over the rules of the controlled seperation. We decided to do one month with a date night each week or more depending.

The rest are just regular details. however the big thing that stood out to me when I brought up not talking to her affair partner she got angry and exteremly sad about it. I argued with her for an hour as one of the ground rules is to disable facebook so she can't see his profile etc. She was very angry and very sad about it which just kills me since there are feelings there. Even after her saying she never uses it doesn't care about it but puts up a huge fight to keep it. She finally agreed too it. Thoughts on this?


She also agreed to a phone call a week for 30 minutes.
She kept saying that its going to take a ****load of work to get over our issues and that she wants to be someone with "different" issues and thats where she is right now. In her mind its taking a risk either way and just don't know which way to go which again kills me and breaks my heart hearing those things.

Before and after this we were laughing and having a good time. We work at the same place and in the elevator we gave each other and hug and a kiss good bye. I just don't get it when you can do that, have fun together and she wants to leave. I just really feel thats shes going to throw all this away to maybe find someone else? Maybe this is a postive sign and I don't see it, but I just feel there is false hope with all this which will just crush me that much more later on.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Not sure what to think about the FB thing. When my STBXH had one of his "I think I want to be with you" moments, I asked him to drop contact with the OW. He was visibly upset by this request. He wanted to remain friends with her. Well, he's with her now and I am out of the picture. In hindsight, I probably should have waited until we were on stronger footing. 

Our situations are different, but I've heard said before that to fight and deny the relationship with the OP is to only push your spouse closer to them. I'm glad she agreed, but I might suggest to be cautious and not force the issue.

I sympathize with the pain and confusion you are experiencing right now. My thoughts are with you.


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## srfitzgr (Jul 30, 2012)

This has been going on for a few months. The controlled seperation started on Thursday. I have this gut feeling she is still talking cheating on me. I'm trying to figure out if I am just afraid of the future, being alone, or truely love her. 

I keep putting up on a pedistal and I don't know why. I dont know if I can do another month of this and I'm starting to read the 180 and Just let them go threads, although I'm not sure if that applies to a controlled seperation agreement. I'm just sick of trying to get her back and show her I have changed. I really dont want to look back at this point in my life 20 years from now still thinking I lost the best thing I had regardless if she cheated on me for the 2nd time or not.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I hear you, my friend. I've questioned my motives, as well. I'm also afraid of being alone and what the future may hold. So many hopes and dreams dashed. Not to mention the overwhelming feeling of rejection. It's a self-esteem crusher.

I put my STBXH on pedestal. too. After a year of this, I'm just now allowing myself to get really angry at him. Not to say that it will take that long for you- we all have to deal with this at our own pace and in our own way. 

I think the point of 180 and Just Let Them Go is to not pursue them, but to focus on ourselves. Begging, pleading, and all around neediness is not attractive and will ultimately turn her off. You can't reason with her right now. She's just not going to see it. 

This may be good for your situation (controlled separation) because she is still around to notice the change in you. She can't help but notice, but what she does with this will be up to her. Just take the rules and advice that pertain to your situation, and ignore the rest. 

I'm not saying give up on your marriage. If he was still willing to work with me, I would not give up, either. But, perhaps your approach needs to change. Ask yourself this, has anything you've done so far worked? You've apologized for your role in things and are in therapy to better yourself. All good things. Now it might be time to just breathe and relieve some of the pressure. 

We have no control over our spouses' thoughts, feelings, or actions! You must take care of yourself, srfitzgr. I know it's easier said than done. I need constant support myself and I often stumble in my recovery. 

Have you forgiven yourself for your past indiscretions? I hope you have stopped blaming yourself. If you're like me, I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else, holding on to past mistakes to the point of emotional self-abuse! It will only hold you back. Set yourself free. You are a person of value with a loving heart and have been through hell your whole life. Forgive. 

Post some new threads and see if you can't get some feedback from others on TAM. It has been invaluable to me and I have gotten a lot of helpful insight. Plus, it's helps sometimes to just rant and feel the love and understanding from those going through the same thing.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

BronteVillette said:


> Not sure what to think about the FB thing. When my STBXH had one of his "I think I want to be with you" moments, I asked him to drop contact with the OW. He was visibly upset by this request. He wanted to remain friends with her. Well, he's with her now and I am out of the picture. *In hindsight, I probably should have waited until we were on stronger footing. *
> 
> Our situations are different, but I've heard said before that to fight and deny the relationship with the OP is to only push your spouse closer to them. I'm glad she agreed, but I might suggest to be cautious and not force the issue.
> 
> I sympathize with the pain and confusion you are experiencing right now. My thoughts are with you.


No no no.

That was a totally valid boundary.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

UpnOver- Boundaries (or lack there of) have always been an issue for me. Thanks for pointing it out.


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## srfitzgr (Jul 30, 2012)

Alright big update...

Per the controlled separation agreement I have had NC...however since we work together she usually finds a way to send me a note about something. I haven't reached out to her its usually her to me. We had a date on Tuesday, MC Wednesday and then a 30 minute call on Thursday.

Our date was 1.5 hours of lunch. I bought her a rose she said my favorite color and thanked me. Had a great time at lunch and then she brought up selling of one of our houses (not supposed to talk about this **** during our dates). Her parents about 6 months ago told us they would give us 10k since we are underwater to help sell the house. She as then insisted on me taking out a 401k loan to pay for the house and I quote "IF IF IF a BIG IF we get divorced its not fair that I have to pay that m oney back its my parents and I could use it for rent for a new apartment"

I just smiled and said I'll help as I can but I can't take a loan out (we already took a 40k loan out to help with the 2nd house we built)...she wouldn't let it go and just told her we will talk about it when we get closer to a closing date. But she kept saying don't "look" into this as a decision.

She also told me her therapist made her "angry" and has stopped going. She has been 4 times, I have been about 20-30 and go 2-3 times a week for the past few months.

We left lunch still joking and laughing making her smile. We then go to MC...Let me start off with I hate my MC it feels its her and the W against me.

In MC i asked a few questions which I was told I was not allowed to ask. I asked since we have been separated over a month has she any closer to leaving or wanting to fix our issues. Apparently I'm not allowed to ask that as the MC says its only been "3 weeks" since we started MC even though this has been going on for 4 months previously.

W also stated that we act more like friends are business partners. We went into shame/guilt and that was about it.

I also brought up that I dont know if I can past August with another agreement and the W said something about it going on 6 months if it meant we were together...It's just so many different signals from her.

The 30 min phone convo is where more info came out. The W was saying how we have no passion or romance as a big issue and has zero clue if we can get it back. I said we could if we just open our hearts because that is what I want. I don't want status quo anymore I want to be loved and have passion. She said even if we got that back the other issue is trust.

She said she doubts we can get passion or trust back. She said we can both say that superficially but in her gut she believes we can't get it back. That if we got back together the next month will be great then slowly going back to "normal" and come March we are right back here. I told her if you doubt it so much then why are here? Why haven't you made a decision, she says because shes not 100% sure. I mean I get she might not be able to trust me again but why not give it a god damn shot? I know we can get this stuff back but maybe it really is damaged beyond repair. It's like she isn't giving us a shot or the new me a shot just discounting everything. If she is discounting everything then why can't she just end it? 

She also told me to describe what I see 10 years from now so I did both with her and a family or by myself. I am not sure what the purpose of that was though.


That's basically it...we have another phone call in Tuesday and a 4 hour wine and canvas date on Thursday. She's always is going to be unsure about passion or trust but the only way is to try isn't it? Not seeing each other then once a week won't get that back. it feels that she is just waiting on something to end it but then I get postive hopes when we are together...My heart hurts every day and it sucks and it just gets worse I need to start healing either way.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

It's good that you two are talking and getting things out in the open. I know it's painful and confusing right now. I really feel for you. 

I think you handled the house situation very well. You kept your cool and tried to deflect the topic until a more appropriate time. 

My STBXH also talked about the passion dying. This is a biggie. It's difficult to rekindle the passion when one partner is resistant. It sounds to me that it may all stem from the trust issue, which can definitely hamper your emotional connection. Experts say that this is where you need to start- reconnecting emotionally. 

Since you have agreed date nights and phone conversations, you will be able to _show_ her that you are really listening and working on yourself. In our partner's state of mind, telling them does no good as they are not really hearing us (something about being in a fog). Actions and the investment in our own progress are what will count now. 

This process can be a long and difficult one, and not something that can or should be rushed. There are no guarantees. Only you can know when you've had enough. This is why I recommend focusing on you. Be the man you want to be, not for her or anyone else, but because you want inner peace and happiness for YOU that will embody meaningful, healthy relationships. If she decides to be on board with this, great. If not, you will be in a stronger position to move on and create a better life for yourself. 

This limbo does suck. All the mixed signals, not knowing one way or the other. It hurts like hell! Times like this, it's hard to imagine a greater pain. Everything is so uncertain and you may feel powerless to effect any change. But you do have power! Power to love and heal you. I am with you, friend. Take it day by day and remember to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Glad to hear from you again.


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