# Help - Where are the sample exposure letters



## Ari1979 (Mar 22, 2011)

I've stuffed around for 4 months ignoring the advise here about exposure (or more like being controlled by my partner into doing nothing). We've been together almost 11 years, living together full time for 1 year. No kids. 

I now know where the OW's parents are and want to send them an exposure letter but can no longer find the samples. 

Our counsellor thinks my partner has PTSD from his job. Is that something I mention to the parents? The OW has backed away twice now and as soon as she does my partner starts admitting he may have it and starts admitting he needs treatment but as soon as she's back he starts denying it again. 

I think my relationship is at the point where it cant be saved. we only came back from a fantastic 2 week vacation on saturday which the OW "broke up" with my parnter about but she was back talking to him by monday.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

When you decide to expose, you are effectively making your last attempt. Just rememeber that. I am against exposure unless it is the final attempt. Then, let it all out and force them into a choice of fight or flight.

Just want to add this...

If you think the relationship is over, as you put it... why expose? you know what that is called? 

Revenge.


Just keeping your compass in tune.




.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ari1979 said:


> I've stuffed around for 4 months ignoring the advise here about exposure (or more like being controlled by my partner into doing nothing). We've been together almost 11 years, living together full time for 1 year. No kids.
> 
> I now know where the OW's parents are and want to send them an exposure letter but can no longer find the samples.
> 
> ...


Ari~

There are no "sample exposure letters" but let me show you what I have written about exposure: 

The Loyal Spouse should contact their own family (parents and siblings), the unfaithful spouse's parents and siblings, their church or place of worship, some of the Loyal Spouse's co-workers *if they are close to the Loyal or involved with the affair somehow*, some of the Disloyal Spouse's co-workers *if they are involved in the affair*, the Loyal Spouse's employer, the Disloyal Spouse's employer *if the affair is at work with a co-worker*, and the Other Person's spouse and inform them that the Disloyal Spouse is having an affair, that it is serious, that the marriage is in trouble, and ask for help. The focus and main concern here is to contact those who are assisting the affair, are involved with the affair, or may be harmed by the affair, give the facts, and ask them either to support the loyal or talk to the disloyal and support fixing the problems within the marriage. 

And by the way – YES – you speak to your employer so they know why you seem distracted, cry at work, and aren't as productive. YES you contact the Disloyal Spouse's employer *if the affair is going on at work!!!!* If the company's property, time, and resources are being used for the affair, and they need to be informed so they can address it. And YES you contact the Other Person's spouse and ask, "Are you aware that my spouse is having an affair with your spouse? I have evidence... " Nothing ends an affair faster than the Other Person's spouse screaming and putting their foot down!

Now I want to point out to you mistakes that many, Many, MANY people make with exposure. Exposure is not "vengeance after you've suffered for months and they won't end the affair so now I'm going to get back at them by telling everyone!" Exposure is not "I'm going to embarrass him/her AT WORK so they lose their job and they hurt as much as I do!" Exposure is very limited in scope, you only expose to specific, select people (those involved or who will be hurt by a divorce), and the one and only goal of exposure is to bring tell the truth about adultery rather than allowing the web of lies told by the disloyal to be spun. Furthermore, exposure is only (note...I said ONLY) done after two earlier steps are taken: 1) you have confronted your disloyal spouse and shown them some of the proof you have that they are committing adultery and asking them directly to stop AND THEY HAVE REFUSED; and 2) you have disclosed the infidelity to one person whom your disloyal considers a mentor or respects, and that one person has spoken to them and said, "I know you are being unfaithful. I know that you know unfaithfulness is wrong and you're better than this. Please let me help you do the right thing to work out the issues in the marriage first and end the affair," AND THEY HAVE REFUSED. 

Unfortunately, in your instance, you did not take earlier advice and may or may not have taken the required steps BEFORE exposure, now the affair has gone on and on, and you yourself said: "I think my relationship is at the point where it cant be saved." Since you have not followed the things prior to exposure, and you are not wanting to do exposure in order to save your marriage, I do not see that this would be anything other than spite specifically intended to "hurt him back". 

The goal of exposure is to provide information to those who will be affected and would otherwise probably hear "half truths" at best. It is so your boss understands why your production is down a bit at work or you seem distracted. It is NOT dragging their name through the mud because you are telling the truth and it is their ACTIONS and choices that are dragging their name through the mud...and yet exposure, like twotime says, is a weapon to be used at a precise time and only in a prescribed way in order to most-effectively kill/end the affair. Calling it exposure when you haven't done the prerequisites and there is no relationship to save is not exposure. That truly is being vengeful. 

Now, it's understandable that you feel like that, and even reasonable (in a way) that you'd want to do that...Hurt him back as much as he's hurt you. But I very strongly suggest that you consider your motivation here, and reconsider your decision to "expose." I think a much wiser choice might be get some other suggestions as to how to effectively fight the affair.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I think it fair to say that exposure is a lot like an intervention... you are in essence offering them a choice. Just remember that they may not always choose what you want them to.


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## Ari1979 (Mar 22, 2011)

It's not about revenge. I want to save this relationship. I have done the first two steps and while the pa discontinued the ea continued. I think the pa stopped more due to the ow then my partner. However I know the pa started again the week before we went on vacation mainly I think because I asked the ow to stop contacting my partner. Hence why the ow was annoyed he went away with and wants to end their relationship. I thought it might be the best time to expose to her fAmily given she's still annoyed he went away

I said i didn't think the relationship could be saved because i am at the end of my rope. I've plan a'd for way too long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ari1979 (Mar 22, 2011)

She's annoyed, but started talking to him again so clearly wants to continue their relationship even if she's not telling him that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

well if you live together, then get rid of her, let her see what life is without you, if she is continuing the relationship, you can't save this. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a jolt of reality to shake them up


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## Ari1979 (Mar 22, 2011)

I'm actually female . I tried yesterday to get him to move out. Told him I was taking clothes to his parents and that he was welcome back if he changed his mind. He didn't know his mother knew so in a way that was more exposure. He ignored me and came home anyway saying he had no where else to sleep. It's a big house. He thinks he can stay. He still says he doesn't know what he is doing, calls me his partner and threatens me that if I tell people we or text the ow(she sent me texts while we were away) that we will be over. Bizarre. Mind you that was before yesterday when I confronted him again about seeing her the day before.

So there is no point in telling her parents?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Is she married? if not, then she may have a screwed up idea of relationships but she isnt breaking vows. I really dont think confronting her or her family will do anything other than make you look desperate, and give her a reason to drag him away from you.

She will think she is doing him a favor.

This is why you need to get in a mellow, peaceful, logical state of mind before doing anything. Try going ZEN for a moment, drop all emotion and look at this situation for some clarity.


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## Ari1979 (Mar 22, 2011)

Hmm if I do that I know the Answer... Leave. How do you do that though when it's the last thing you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

You put yourself first! he's not doing that, you are worth it and will find a good man.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Ari1979 said:


> Hmm if I do that I know the Answer... Leave. How do you do that though when it's the last thing you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



TO quote Tony RObbins:

"We dont always get our "wants", we always get our "Needs". 

If saving the relationship is a want, then it is not a need. If you turn it into a need, then you will stop at nothing to save it. 

How do you do that? Simple.

Determine if this relationship is a Need, or a Want. 

After that, the rest is just process.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I believe that if you expose and your SO decides to bail, then good riddance. 

It means they weren't in it for the long haul.

I firmly believe that under NO circumstance should an affair be left alone. Acting as if it 's not happening isn't the way to repair your relationship.


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