# Good sign or?



## lostinGA

My wife asked me for a divorce about 10 days ago. She told me the "I love you but am not in love with you". She made it very clear she was no longer attracted to me. I asked, and pleaded for counseling, a retreat, pastor anything. She continued to insist that there was nothing that would change her heart. Since then I have gone on a pretty intensive sole search and have started counseling. I have and am seeing so many mistakes I have made. I can see the multiple ways I have acted or things I have done that made her feel disrespected, unloved etc. During this time she has acknowledged my changes, she says she is really glad I am going to counseling. She has told my mother that she will always love me as the father of her children and that after my therapy I will make someone a fantastic husband. My Mother is divorced and pointed out that if that's how she felt why not give this a chance? That divorce is not a always a key to happiness. (of course she is my mother) My question is this, we are not yelling or fighting, she sees my actions not words on how I feel and what lengths I am willing to go to making change in myself, she has not filed, not packing, and as far as I know not looking for a place to live. Good sign or is she just trying to minimize the pain she feels she is inflicting on me by giving it a few days?


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## survivorwife

lostinGA said:


> My wife asked me for a divorce about 10 days ago. She told me the "I love you but am not in love with you". She made it very clear she was no longer attracted to me. I asked, and pleaded for counseling, a retreat, pastor anything. She continued to insist that there was nothing that would change her heart. Since then I have gone on a pretty intensive sole search and have started counseling. I have and am seeing so many mistakes I have made. I can see the multiple ways I have acted or things I have done that made her feel disrespected, unloved etc. During this time she has acknowledged my changes, she says she is really glad I am going to counseling. She has told my mother that she will always love me as the father of her children and that after my therapy I will make someone a fantastic husband. My Mother is divorced and pointed out that if that's how she felt why not give this a chance? That divorce is not a always a key to happiness. (of course she is my mother) My question is this, we are not yelling or fighting, she sees my actions not words on how I feel and what lengths I am willing to go to making change in myself, she has not filed, not packing, and as far as I know not looking for a place to live. Good sign or is she just trying to minimize the pain she feels she is inflicting on me by giving it a few days?


Maybe. Or maybe not. She is either changing her mind or planning her exit. If she truly wants to end the marriage in spite of your efforts, then she would be biding her time, looking into financial issues, a new place to live and how she plans to support herself. That would be her mindset if she was determined to go. On the other hand, if she didn't really mean what she said, and wanted to stay, you would see changes in her behavior in that she would tell you she was sorry, she loves you etc. So which is it? Has she said she was sorry? She loves you? Or is she saying nothing?

You might want to consider asking her what her intentions are so that you are prepared for whatever her decision is.


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## jh52

""I love you but am not in love with you"

Sometimes a sign that she may be interested or in contact with another man.

If you read other threads -- this seems very common.

I hope your situation is different.


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## Toffer

jh52 said:


> ""I love you but am not in love with you"
> 
> Sometimes a sign that she may be interested or in contact with another man.
> 
> If you read other threads -- this seems very common.
> 
> I hope your situation is different.


jh is right. Often (but not every time) there's another man somewhere in the wings.

You can look into this by first of all, checking your cell phone records on line. Look for a high volume of texts and calls to a single number or two.

You can also place a key logger on your PC and voice activated recorders (VARs) under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro and see what you find out

Again, some women also just check out of the marriage and she may not be cheating (or thinking about it) at all. Why not rule it out?


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## *needaunderstand*

if i had another man, i wouldnt waste time i would move out. i dont know for sure what she is thinking, but if i said the same things and my signifigant other started to change. i might stick around just long enough to ee if the change is real or if he was going to go back to his old ways in which would seal our fate. the easiest way to exit is the line "i love you, but im not in love with you" could mean a variety of things. hope all goes well for you.


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## lamaga

Women frequently stew over this kind of decision for months, if not years, before sharing it. I suspect that she is done. But as the posters above suggest, ask her. Can't hurt, might help. And Good luck.


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## This is me

Mine said she was done a year ago and nothing could stop it. After 4 months seperation, MC and IC for both, she is back home and in love with me again.

There is hope. When I hear stories like this, I always recommend patience and MC. If she is going through a MLC, she will change. If it is a MLC, you are being blamed for her unhappiness. Either way, we can all improve, but the crisis and fuel to built up resentment is something she will need to work through while you improve yourself.

There is always hope.


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## jdlash

Don't push, don't beg and don't try to fix the marriage. Keep working on yourself and don't point your changes out to her. She notices it on her own. If your lucky, she was just trying to scare you enough to see if you will change. Continue to work on yourself and let her notice. Eventually she will need to have a change of heart for it to work and that is when she will commit. 

The most important part (and what I struggle with) is to make the changes for yourself or they won't do anyone any good.

Good luck! I learned this after my wife moved out and am now working backwards. I hope that we will R, but if we don't I will be a stronger person either way.


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## lostinGA

I first want to thank everyone for posting, I have been traveling for work and have not been able to check in but was looking forward to your insight. There may be a EA but I really don't think there is. I am struggling with the pain of thinking about her leaving but I am each day becoming stronger by thinking of working on myself. As far as I know she has not looked into any apartments, condos, etc. When we did talk about the divorce we sort of agreed I would stay in the house due to the amount of yard work etc it takes to keep the place up. So since I am not seeing apt guides or internet searches about housing I feel slightly encouraged. I can't of course speak to what she may be doing at work. This would also include any EA or PE. I have checked her phone, feel bad but have, now texts or calls that looked strange, but she is a very bright girl and knows me well so I am pretty sure she would be good at covering her tracks. I have tried to back off asking about us or telling her how much I love her or how we could have a future etc. So we haven't talked much about it in the last few days, if at all. I have been more supportive around the house when I am here and I have been continuing to read on how to make positive personal changes. Since I don't have any real insight to what she may doing at work or who she may be talking with has anyone ever used a private detective? I am very skeptical about it but have had the thought.


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## AlmostYoung

Do NOT ask her about her intentions to leave or stay... you already know the answer to that question _at this point in time_. Do not initiate any Big Relationship Talks or try to convince her to change her mind. Do not ask her to go to counseling. Work on yourself and be pleasant and happy around her. 

I suggest not going into high intensity snoop mode unless you have really high suspicions. If she catches you snooping it will only hurt your case of trying to save your marriage and give her even more incentive to start packing. Besides, that's not where you need to be spending your time and effort... work on yourself. Be the person she wants to stay with.

Yes, she has been thinking of this for some time now, which is why what you need is time for her to shift her perspective of the marriage. _It won't happen overnight._ Be the best person you can be and work on building up your connection with her. BE PATIENT!

My wife gave me the ILYBINILWY line back in March... very unhappy with lots of hurtful comments about me and talk of how she just wanted to run away. Guess what? She's still here, talk of D and hurtful comments have pretty much evaporated, and we are getting along better every week. Oh, and contrary to what most here told me was almost certainly the case, there still is no other man. 

Best wishes lostinGA. I know it's tough, but you have to be strong.


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## lostinGA

Thanks, Almostyoung, for the comments, I have read so many places about not having relationship talks and laying low but I have found and am finding it so hard to do this. In fact we talked last night and I made a passionate plea for her to look at all that is around her, think of the boys, asked her if not being around them would really be something that help her be happy. I asked her why with all the positive years we had together would it not be worth another shot even if the last 2-3yrs were bad. I asked why we were not at least worth her reading one or two of the books I have gotten on marriage. She agreed to read some today, and has, but as we have talked about what she has read or talked in general she just keeps going back to... I don't love you, I don't feel any sexual attraction to you at all, how can I expect that top change? It is just not what my heart wants. I normally respond with, why would you feel attracted to me if we are not in a good place in our relationship, that we were once only friends and it blossomed into a love affair, if so why if we can fix the problems in our relationship would our love for each other in a sexual way not grow? She then responds because we are just good friends. Since we have been talking about this again, we have also then been talking about divorce, we are suppose to talk more in a little bit about how and where to begin that process. That is one conversation I do not want to have.


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## AlmostYoung

> Since we have been talking about this again, we have also then been talking about divorce, we are suppose to talk more in a little bit about how and where to begin that process. That is one conversation I do not want to have.


Acknowledge what she tells you and say that you understand how she feels. Don't try to change her mind. Don't try to make her feel bad for wanting to leave. Keep your family(s) out of this. Getting them "on your side" won't win her over, but may easily make her despise you even more. Tell her a divorce is not what you want but it's a decision you can't stop her from making. (which is true) Take the pressure off her, don't put more on. Buy your marriage some more time anyway you can. Time is your friend... you need time to shift her perspective of the marriage.

I don't know how fast you think this D process is going to move, but you do have some time here, so RELAX, stop panicking, and stop doing stuff that will only push her farther away.

I know this is hard, but if you want another chance it's what you must do.

A couple of resources I'm finding helpful:

Lee Baucoms "Save the Marriage" coaching program. (weekly coaching program, not just a book)

Divorce Busting

Again, best wishes.


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## turkish

lostinGA said:


> My wife asked me for a divorce about 10 days ago. She told me the "I love you but am not in love with you". She made it very clear she was no longer attracted to me. I asked, and pleaded for counseling, a retreat, pastor anything. She continued to insist that there was nothing that would change her heart. Since then I have gone on a pretty intensive sole search and have started counseling. I have and am seeing so many mistakes I have made. I can see the multiple ways I have acted or things I have done that made her feel disrespected, unloved etc. During this time she has acknowledged my changes, she says she is really glad I am going to counseling. She has told my mother that she will always love me as the father of her children and that after my therapy I will make someone a fantastic husband. My Mother is divorced and pointed out that if that's how she felt why not give this a chance? That divorce is not a always a key to happiness. (of course she is my mother) My question is this, we are not yelling or fighting, she sees my actions not words on how I feel and what lengths I am willing to go to making change in myself, she has not filed, not packing, and as far as I know not looking for a place to live. Good sign or is she just trying to minimize the pain she feels she is inflicting on me by giving it a few days?


Blooming Henry! We in near on the same boat fella. I shall be watching this thread closely for advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinGA

So we talked some more last night, not long maybe 30-40 minutes. She says that all the changes I have been making is confusing to her. That she is sure of her "no sexual feelings" but feels like that she also doesn't know who I am right now. I of course tries the "well do you want to get to know me?" She just laughed and said that she knew I would say that, So we discussed some options, divorce, trial separation, variations of living together. 

Almostyoung, you said that time is on my side and going into a divorce I would have some. One of the pressures I feel is that in Georgia there is only a 30 day waiting limit after you file. I have lived in other states that had an imposed waiting limit but my luck Georgia lets you get out quick.

In all honesty I could probably just shut up and not say anything, just keep being nice, helping around the house etc and milk out a month or more. My problem with that is the living under the constant feeling of is she going to ask to file today. I don't think if she was saying "I am not happy, let me think about this" i would feel this way but she is always so firm with "my heart doesn't want this anymore". So I have been pushing her, and in that, probably not in the direction I want her to go. Thanks again to all.


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## hldnhope

Lostin GA: i am in the process of going through something very similar right now, and am further along in the process. A few things to help you: first, like other have said, 99.5% of the time there is someone else in the picture, either EA, PA. My situation was odd in that my W was/is in an EA with an out of town, female friend. We have identified this, and are moving through it causiously. 

Second, rest assured, you have both contributed to where you are now. They call it the 50-50 rule; both of you are to blame equally, not just 1 of you. You are farther along in the process, because you have been able to identify your short-commings and are now working on them. She (from what you've written) is not there yet. Have you suggested MC/IC to her? The trouble her is that you are doing all the work to right your relationship, and if you don't feel she is pulling her weight, more issues will arise and you will start to get angry and resent her for that.

Then, I just want you to know that this is a long process with lots of ups and downs-people on here with equate it (accurately) as a roller-coaster ride. Just know that you guys (her) didn't just arrive here overnight as it were, it took you guys a long time to get here, probably years-which, by the sound of it will be a surprize to you. Maybe she has been telling you things that bother her, but have just not 'heard' her complaints, or felt they were trivial- well they weren't to her, and she has built up quite a bot of resentment and the more she has built that up, the less 'attractive' you have become to her <--this is directly from personal experience. 

Men and women process and treat relationships very differently (I am learning). For most men, it seems that if they get the physical connection-sex/touching, they feel loved/wanted/needed and when they get and feel this way, it is easier to be able to work on their 'short-commings' and return that love they feel to their W. For men, this is the last thing to go awry and make them take notice that there is something wrong in their relationship. For most women, this is the first thing to go. When they are not feeling 'loved', they turn the physical touch off and unfortunatley, they hold the upper hand this way. 

Do yourself a favor, and read this book:

Amazon.com: I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship (9780757305481): Andrew G. Marshall: Books

It will give you an understanding of where her head is at right now and how you guys got there. You guys can work this out, but again it is a long, ardous road ahead with many pit falls. But if you guys do decide to try to work things out, your relationship will be stronger and you will be better off in the long run for having gone through this together. The easy way out of this is to seperate/divorce-don't take the easy way out...


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## Toffer

Lost,

Please stop all the begging and pleading for the marriage. It makes you look weak in her eyes.

Also stop with all the extra work you're doing around the house. That's also very submissive behavior.

Keep moving forward with the changes you have been making with counseling. Let her see (do not tell her) your improvements and that you're ready to move on to a better life without her.

Read up on the 180 here and implement it so you';ll be ready for the next phase of your life


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## zsu234

You need to find who her boyfriend is and expose to his wife. You travel for business which gives her plenty of opportunity to cheat.


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## lostinGA

So once again, thank you for all the comments/replies. 

Here is where are, as most everyone and as much as I wanted to run away from it myself thought, there is someone else. She has a friend at work that evolved into an extremely strong EA for about the last year and within the last 6mo turned somewhat physical. I had to snoop to find out and even at first after I had evidence she denied, then finally admitted. As for the emotional part they have gone very far, including telling each other I love you and talking about moving in together after our divorce. Since this revelation we have had several talks and she agreed to end it with him. She called him on speaker and told him she wanted to work on her marriage. I then spoke with him and asked if he planned on respecting her wishes. he of course said yes. 

I have no idea what they may be saying at work, she swears they are not talking, and that he did come by her office to make sure it was her decision, which we both figured he would. She says she does find herself thinking about him and what he may be doing etc. I find this normal, it has only been a few days, they do have a strong bond, feelings won't/can't go away overnight. I see this as a great challenge but one that I can overcome, she is so emotional I do not what or how or if she will want to try to. 

While looking back I did know, I had discovered things that lead me to think something was going on but did nothing, no questioning, nothing. I do regret this but our relationship was so quiet we were not talking about much of anything outside of the kids. 

Since I am reaching out for help, here is the main issue as I see it. I was abused as a young boy by my stepmother. One of the things she would do was measure me, then would say something like, don't worry you will measure up someday. This planted a deep seed in me that I didn't measure up and I have struggled with that ever since. In my youth I bounced from girl to girl, cheating and then cheating on people I was cheating with. Never satisfied and always with a huge insecurity. When my wife and I got together things were amazing, but soon I found myself asking for her to tell me how inadequate I was. This lead to a path of desiring to be a cuckold. I would ask any and all nature of humiliating and degrading things to be done or said to me. This of course progressed overtime like any addiction does. This is where our problem truly lies. I have been going to counseling, stopped drinking and feel better than I have in 30 plus years with the exception of the relationship. She however has grown to see a horrible image of me, how many years can you ask someone to do these things with out them actually starting to believe it. She says that she wants to want to work on it but that just is so turned off by me that all she can see in her mind are those images. 

I try to talk about how the other aspects of our life were good. I have been a good provider, my issues have never gotten in the way of being a good father. I come home everyday, I have managed our money well and always tried to put everyones needs before my own with the exception of my issue above. I never did or wanted anything I did to cause her pain, I only that pain for myself. I understand and can see now how this did cause her pain. I can acknowledge all of this. Can I expect her to get to a point where she can accept this is in the past and begin to see me how she once did? 

She is going to go to a counselor, I would like to go to the same one in hopes that we can go together at some point and they would already have the background, she is opposed to this currently. 

She has agreed to read some books on marriages, and has agreed to go to church with me. We have some ground rules for around the house. No touching, except for a hug goodbye if one of us leaves. No talking about any of this until after 7:30 as it was becoming the only thing we were talking about. No "I love you's" that of course was my trying to hard. With that though she says we are basically day to day. This is one of the things I find the hardest. Such pressure to live with especially knowing she sees him everyday and of course eh is "perfect". Her words not mine, she describes him as the man she would have if she could build one from scratch. I know all of this sounds, even to me that there is no hope, but with two boys who are about to become teenagers in the mix and a very strong friendship (we have been friends since 7th grade) I just feel it is worth really rolling up our sleeves. 

As I have told her that there are people out there who have been through worse or just as bad or almost as bad and made it work and found a strength from it that they never thought they had, she ash asked that if I find stories like this to pass them along to her. Does anyone know of any books or websites that have these types stories? I have found a few websites but nothing with a good level of detail. Sorry for the incredibly long post.


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