# Trying to Digest a Friend's Comment....



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess I just got a reminder of what a screw up I've been, but the comment a good friend made still stung....

My friend and I were sitting down at my kitchen table a few weeks ago, I was telling her that I was uncomfortable with going out with an old friend from high school. She was celebrating her birthday at a downtown popular club. In no way do I ever do the GNO, I usually go to dinner or movies with friends. So I was tossing the idea around and she then makes this comment..."well, I guess it might be hard for you to not be tempted". Wow, ouch. Ok, I know I was a cheat, liar, you name it, but the word "tempted" sounds so much like I don't have control over my past behavior, and that I am doomed to be labeled a serial cheater. That I'm still that same person.

So I got to thinking more about the comment, and it made me wonder what our couple friends think of me, yeah, they still treat me the same, and seem comfortable around me. But, do they see me as some floozy husband stealer now? I may be a bit insecure about my self right now so these comments bother me because yes, I cheated on my husband with one OM in a 25 year relationship, I was faithful for 24 years. But I do not see myself as a person who has no control, or is "tempted" by other men. My affair didn't happen because of this behavior, it happened because I wanted it to, I chose to. I was unhappy with myself for many reasons. 

I guess I just need to vent....


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess I just got a reminder of what a screw up I've been, but the comment a good friend made still stung....
> 
> My friend and I were sitting down at my kitchen table a few weeks ago, I was telling her that I was uncomfortable with going out with an old friend from high school. She was celebrating her birthday at a downtown popular club. In no way do I ever do the GNO, I usually go to dinner or movies with friends. So I was tossing the idea around and she then makes this comment..."well, I guess it might be hard for you to not be tempted". Wow, ouch. Ok, I know I was a cheat, liar, you name it, but the word "tempted" sounds so much like I don't have control over my past behavior, and that I am doomed to be labeled a serial cheater. That I'm still that same person.
> 
> ...


More importantly, what do you think of yourself now? Thats what matters, Friends are just that, friends...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They may very well see you as a cheater who can't be trusted around their husbands. They may not. But yeah, that comment is something you have to swallow since it holds some validity.

And this is where that phrase comes in "Once a cheater always a cheater." I don't believe it means a cheater will go on to cheat for the rest of their lives BUT I believe it to be true in the sense that once you have done it, you are marked for life. It's a title you carry forever. You don't get to undo it.

Just don't let it define the rest of your life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about it from their viewpoint: They know about this last incident, but now that they've seen you do it this time, they no doubt are thinking about how many times in the past you've done it but didn't get caught.

Yes, you are now carrying the label with you forever with them. And I suspect more than one woman will be very non-accepting of you spending time with her husband, flirting, or even just being friends with him.

Is that harsh, yes possibly. But you knew yourself your whole life, and you never thought you'd do what you actually did. You shocked and surprised even you. These people now considered themselves warned about what lurks inside you given the right situation. They no longer want to be caught naive and unaware.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Just another consequence of your previous actions, you can only do what you have done with your husband and hope to demonstrate through actions that you are a changed person.


and frankly it's better than them being enablers


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Think about it from their viewpoint: They know about this last incident, but now that they've seen you do it this time, they no doubt are thinking about how many times in the past you've done it but didn't get caught.
> 
> Yes, you are now carrying the label with you forever with them. * And I suspect more than one woman will be very non-accepting of you spending time with her husband, flirting, or even just being friends with him.*
> Is that harsh, yes possibly. But you knew yourself your whole life, and you never thought you'd do what you actually did. You shocked and surprised even you. These people now considered themselves warned about what lurks inside you given the right situation. They no longer want to be caught naive and unaware.


the problem here is that those wives will hear from others: "Well, you knew she was like that." In other words, with your reputation, every wife must keep well away from you or else they are blamed for their husband's behavior.

Interesting how blame gets passed around.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Husbands will pull their wives away from you because you might infect them and make them cheaters.

Wives will tell their husbands to not talk to you because you might want to sleep with them.

And then there are those that don't care about what you've done.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

consequences. they suck huh. from your husbands standpoint, he is experiencing the same thing, shame and embarrassment. what are they saying about him taking you back? what are they guys saying behind his back. how emasculating, and he didn't have the affair. you were in an affair for a year, that is 2 weeks for every year you were married.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

skip76 said:


> consequences. they suck huh. from your husbands standpoint, he is experiencing the same thing, shame and embarrassment. what are they saying about him taking you back? what are they guys saying behind his back. how emasculating, and he didn't have the affair. you were in an affair for a year, that is 2 weeks for every year you were married.


Why would he be ashamed? why should he feel embarrassed? He's done noting wrong. If his guy friends are talking trash behind his back, I guess they where never his friend to begin with...it would be easy for the guys to say crap and what they would do, without ever having to go thru it...He has to answer to no one but himself.

It's his choice to try and work thru this together with his wife. At the end of the day when you go to bed together, its just and him and her.

Your husband to me,seems like a Man among Men..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ Most people who get cheated on do feel shame, embarassment and humiliation. It's all part of getting cheated on. Of course the husband is NOT to blame for her choosing to cheat, but those sentiments/feelings are all a part of being betrayed.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Rosevelt.

The sting you feel is the sting you allow yourself to feel.

You'll be okay. How many have done the same or worse than you that have not been caught, have not owned it, and do not have the strength to fix it, and make ammends? Your okay. Don't let it eat the good work you have done.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Why would he be ashamed? why should he feel embarrassed? He's done noting wrong. If his guy friends are talking trash behind his back, I guess they where never his friend to begin with...it would be easy for the guys to say crap and what they would do, without ever having to go thru it...He has to answer to no one but himself.


Fair or not - and it's not - it's emasculating for a guy when his wife ends up in another man's bed. And in the minds of some, it's going to be seen as a sign of weakness when that man takes his wife back instead of kicking her out.
I think it would take a great deal of courage to try to work things out after such a betrayal, but I'd guess plenty of others don't see it that way.
Again, that may not be fair, but it is what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Fair or not - and it's not - it's emasculating for a guy when his wife ends up in another man's bed. And in the minds of some, it's going to be seen as a sign of weakness when that man takes his wife back instead of kicking her out.


And this isn't gender-specific. 
Women feel awaful and "less than," like they weren't a good enough "woman" when they get cheated on, too.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I think most people believe, and it's not just about infidelity, that the FIRST TIME CROSSING THE LINE is the most difficult event and that the second time or the second and following occurrences are much easier. You crossed the major line of violating your marriage, the lies etc, that it would be easier for you to do a second time, not that you would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess I just got a reminder of what a screw up I've been, but the comment a good friend made still stung....
> 
> My friend and I were sitting down at my kitchen table a few weeks ago, I was telling her that I was uncomfortable with going out with an old friend from high school. She was celebrating her birthday at a downtown popular club. In no way do I ever do the GNO, I usually go to dinner or movies with friends. So I was tossing the idea around and she then makes this comment..."well, I guess it might be hard for you to not be tempted". Wow, ouch. Ok, I know I was a cheat, liar, you name it, but the word "tempted" sounds so much like I don't have control over my past behavior, and that I am doomed to be labeled a serial cheater. That I'm still that same person.
> 
> ...


Is she just insensitive? I have a friend, for almost 25 years, who lacks tact like you wouldn't believe...SHE would so totally (and has) come out with things like that...try not to read too much into it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> Why would he be ashamed? why should he feel embarrassed? He's done noting wrong.


I understand this, you do have to sacrifice some of your self respect to take back a cheater. Cheating is the ultimate disrespect a woman can do to a man and you can feel a bit cuckolded for keeping them in your life. Look at any of your friends that stayed with a cheating spouse, would you have preferred for them to leave?

I'm through the looking glass and I rarely think about it anymore but when I do I sometimes feel disappointed in myself for the R. My W has done everything right but I feel like I comprised my dignity to keep her. If I had to do it over again I would have just done the D and dealt with it. I would have kept my pride then and moved on. I have made my choice and I will stick by it (its not bad, my marriage is better today then pre-A). I'm just not 100% sure I did the right thing for ME (more like 90%).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Cheating is the ultimate disrespect a woman can do to a man and you can feel a bit cuckolded for keeping them in your life.


And again, this isn't gender-specific. It's the ultimate disrespect a man can do to a woman.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And again, this isn't gender-specific. It's the ultimate disrespect a man can do to a woman.


So true but society isn't fair.

If a guy cheats, he gets a slap on the hand and alot of high fives from other guys.

If a woman cheats, she gets branded a ***** for the rest of her life.

If a woman stays with a cheater, she's a great wife and doing what a wife should to to keep her family together.

If a man stays with a cheater, he's termed a p*ssy with no balls to leave his wife.

Not fair but it's just how the world is for now,


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Got this from Mort Fertel

A woman who just discovered that her husband
cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
great question.
She said, "My husband apologized 100 times,
stopped his affair, and is committed to being a
new man. I see he's changed. But wouldn't I be
better off divorcing him and starting fresh with
someone new?"
I can understand her point of view.
Right now in her marriage there's so much pain,
baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. The same
is probably true in your marriage, whether the
issue is infidelity or something else.
Is it possible to come back once the trust is
broken?, can you heal from your
ordeal? Or maybe it just makes sense to just
start over with someone else?
Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional
hardships) believe that they'll be safer in a
relationship with someone who never cheated on
them or hurt them. I completely understand this
FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE might be true.
In the case of the woman above, it appears that
her husband really changed. And I've seen many
people transform themselves after getting the "I
want a divorce" wake up call. Unless her husband
is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he's LESS
LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to
someone whose track record is clean. In other
words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they're
LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than
someone who's never erred in that way before.
According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the
University of Chicago, about 25 percent of
married men and 17 percent of married women in
the United States ADMIT to having been
unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass'
research suggests it is probably closer to 25
percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men!
That means that starting from scratch gives the
above woman a 50% chance of finding another
husband who will be faithful.
Now let me ask you, at this point
in this woman's husband's life, given all he's
been through and learned, what are the chances
that he'll screw up again? If this woman gave him
another chance, what's the likelihood that he'd
make the same mistake that almost caused him to
lose his family years before? In my opinion, it's
dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it's
slim to none.
Let me clarify that I'm talking in this case
about a man who truly transformed himself and
succeeded to prove that he's changed. I'm NOT
talking about someone who continually makes empty
promises.
If this woman were to leave her husband, I think
Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this
sort of thing would never happen to her again.
Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years
and years for their spouse to wake up and change
their ways. Then when they finally do it, they're
told it's too late.
I understand why someone would feel, after being
cheated on, for example, that "it's too late."
But the fact of the matter is that they're about
to walk away from a person who is FINALLY
prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse.
In my experience, it's these people, people who
have made serious mistakes, people who have had
the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST
spouses and are capable, more than anyone else,
of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.
Do you see the irony here?
The mistakes that ruin relationships are those
that transform the sinners into people capable of
the most outstanding relationships. The
unfortunate thing for the victim is that they
don't know how to heal from the hurt that would
enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep in mind, many husband will be keeping an eye on your husband too. There are way to many stories about guys who get cheated on, deciding to take advantage of women around them who offer advice on how to deal with it.

Meaning: more than one cheated on guy, decides to pass on the favor with someone else's wife. 

so both of you will likely find yourselves being watched a little more than in the past.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> So true but society isn't fair.
> 
> If a guy cheats, he gets a slap on the hand and alot of high fives from other guys.
> 
> ...


That is just so much BS. Untrue and wrong. A slap on the hand? Really? I have seen people vilified, demonized and crucified who were men. Take a look at some recent stories...
Newt Gingrich (whom I dislike intensely) is being pilloried for his crap, yet when a woman writes a book called Eat, Pray, Love it's a bestseller. There are other examples that you can google for yourself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

mr.miketastic said:


> That is just so much BS. Untrue and wrong. A slap on the hand? Really? I have seen people vilified, demonized and crucified who were men. Take a look at some recent stories...
> Newt Gingrich (whom I dislike intensely) is being pilloried for his crap, yet when a woman writes a book called Eat, Pray, Love it's a bestseller. There are other examples that you can google for yourself.


People of fame, etc...get eaten up alive because that makes the rest of us feel better that they can screw up also. So we relish in that trash, but in the end their just human like us. They're supposed to know better and have higher moral standards than us lower class folks, because we're too dumb to know right from wrong.

As for us regular folks, the general statements holds up IMO. Based on the fact that this is still a male dominated society. Supposedly we've grown as a nation to promote equality but it's not there yet.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> If a guy cheats, he gets a slap on the hand and alot of high fives from other guys.



Really? I wonder if the other guys share their wives and girlfriends?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Perhaps it's time to dump some of these 'friends' and make new and better ones.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

mr.miketastic said:


> That is just so much BS. Untrue and wrong. A slap on the hand? Really? I have seen people vilified, demonized and crucified who were men. Take a look at some recent stories...
> Newt Gingrich (whom I dislike intensely) is being pilloried for his crap, yet when a woman writes a book called Eat, Pray, Love it's a bestseller. There are other examples that you can google for yourself.


I'm far from one of those 'society is going down the drain' types, but you do raise a fair point. Women's infidelity often is treated gently - and in some cases outright glorified - in some forms of mass media.
'The Bridges of ******* County' was a massive best-seller.
'Unfaithful' made a cheating wife a sympathetic figure. And then of course, there's 'Titanic,' where the cheater also is sympathetic.
It seems, in the entertainment culture, unfaithful women are driven to cheat by lousy men.
On the other hand, cheating men are guys who fool around on loving wives and as a result face drastic consequences (see: Presumed Innocent, Fatal Attraction).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mr.miketastic said:


> Newt Gingrich (whom I dislike intensely) is being pilloried for his crap, yet when a woman writes a book called Eat, Pray, Love it's a bestseller. There are other examples that you can google for yourself.


Oh man, do not get me started on the Eat Pray Love crap. Talk about self justified cheating and fog.

As for Newt - didn't you hear. After marrying AP #2, he decided that he's a new man who would never cheat (again)  HAHA What a jerk.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Got this from Mort Fertel
> 
> A woman who just discovered that her husband
> cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
> ...




i could search the internet all day long and probably find something somebody wrote that will make me feel better. that doesn't necessarily make it so though. a bunch of pretty words but nothing of substance. "a reformed cheater makes the best spouse". better than the spouse who never cheated in the first place, nope. "unfortunate for the victim to not reap the benefit". oh thanks for cheating on me honey, you made my life better. i didn't get anything out of that but it would probably make a cheater feel better.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I was/am the BS after a 30 year marriage, and I can assure you the feelings of embarassement, shame are there. There are still a couple of people I cant bring myself to face due to this embarassement and it has been 6 months.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

skip76 said:


> consequences. they suck huh. from your husbands standpoint, he is experiencing the same thing, shame and embarrassment. what are they saying about him taking you back? what are they guys saying behind his back. how emasculating, and he didn't have the affair. you were in an affair for a year, that is 2 weeks for every year you were married.


Well, not to sound too defensive, but I doubt they're really saying anything behind our backs, maybe between the couple themselves. They're all really good friends that we've known for 10 plus years, some even longer, they're decent respectable people without the tendency to gossip, but I guess anything is possible, I used to be a respectable person with high morals.

I don't think they see hubby in any negative light, I think they see him a bit down in the last few months, but it's not something we talk about in group functions.

btw, my affair was short, just a few months.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Temporary thread jack.

That is one mean and scary kitty cat you got there for you avi. I hoped it's stuffed.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> More importantly, what do you think of yourself now? Thats what matters, Friends are just that, friends...


I understand what you are saying, how I think of myself should be more important, but my friends are very important to me, and I guess I do worry how they see me now. I consider my friends as part of my family, since my family is so small.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

madwoman said:


> "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Rosevelt.
> 
> The sting you feel is the sting you allow yourself to feel.
> 
> You'll be okay. How many have done the same or worse than you that have not been caught, have not owned it, and do not have the strength to fix it, and make ammends? Your okay. Don't let it eat the good work you have done.


Thanks Mad


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Is she just insensitive? I have a friend, for almost 25 years, who lacks tact like you wouldn't believe...SHE would so totally (and has) come out with things like that...try not to read too much into it.


Yeah, she's a bit "insensitive" at times, she one of my less stable friends, very insecure etc. But she's my son's god mother, so I try to take what she says with a grain of salt....try to. After I had my last child, like a month later, she said to me: "L. are you pregnant again" WTF? I said NO, it's called baby fat, but thanks anyway..sheesh, she's like that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And again, this isn't gender-specific. It's the ultimate disrespect a man can do to a woman.


But do you think it's worse for men? I'm starting to think that. There are mostly men who post in this forum, and from what they say, it really tears away at their manhood. Women seem to be more forgiving and more able to move on, even though they are dealing with the same pain. 

I could be way off tho


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Hey don't forget "Bridges of ******* county". How romantic, a woman committing adultery. Lets make it a best seller (You think guys read that book? Not a chance.) and then a movie.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> But do you think it's worse for men? I'm starting to think that.


No. If you ever get cheated on by your spouse/husband, then come back and answer that question.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Perhaps it's time to dump some of these 'friends' and make new and better ones.


She's the only friend that drives me nuts with her stupid comments which of course I mostly ignore, except this one. Sometimes I feel bad for her, her life isn't all that great, and I like to "fix" people, part of my nature I guess.

She does have a good heart, and loves my kids to death (hers are grown).


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Temporary thread jack.
> 
> That is one mean and scary kitty cat you got there for you avi. I hoped it's stuffed.


Maybe it's mine.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

working.. My WW affair was only a few months too. They only saw each other 4 times.. but lots of texting and phone calls. I can only tell you how i feel.. although I have stayed, I will never look at my wife the same. She is remorseful and working hard just like you, but the scars are there for life. But I have to give my wife (and u 2) alot of credit for handling things the way she has over the past year. without her owning it and being able to take it on the chin, there is NO WAY I would still be around.. not even for my 3 beautiful babies.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> But do you think it's worse for men? I'm starting to think that. There are mostly men who post in this forum, and from what they say, it really tears away at their manhood. Women seem to be more forgiving and more able to move on, even though they are dealing with the same pain.
> 
> I could be way off tho


I think the way your friend answered may be perceived as brash. But in all fairness you probably received an answer that nobody wants to hear but is honest. Just my opinion but i feel that as time goes by with you and your husband recovering the stigma will gradually fade. Some of those friends and neighbors will end up in the same situation as you and may learn some empathy. 

I cannot speak for women, but being a male BS i will say has brought me a more humibling experiance than i ever thought possible. I fear that if the affair got out people would see my wife as an easy target for someone else looking for an affair. They would question my man hood as i didn't satisfy my wife. 
I would have those same questions five months ago before i was in the position i am now. I have those same thoughts now about my wife that your friend expressed to you. I am hoping in time those fears go away as i gain more trust going forward.

I do think that females are more stigmatized by and affair than males in society. It may be unfair but i do think it is reality.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Temporary thread jack.
> 
> That is one mean and scary kitty cat you got there for you avi. I hoped it's stuffed.


It looks like the bullet came OUT of its mouth. Bleah


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No. If you ever get cheated on by your spouse/husband, then come back and answer that question.


All the suicides involving affairs I have known of were men. Matter of fact, I haven't known any women that comitted suicide. It would take at least two hands to count the men.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

38m3kids said:


> working.. My WW affair was only a few months too. They only saw each other 4 times.. but lots of texting and phone calls. I can only tell you how i feel.. although I have stayed, I will never look at my wife the same. She is remorseful and working hard just like you, but the scars are there for life. But I have to give my wife (and u 2) alot of credit for handling things the way she has over the past year. without her owning it and being able to take it on the chin, there is NO WAY I would still be around.. not even for my 3 beautiful babies.


awww,thanks. I don't think my hubby will ever see me the same as well even though I feel I haven't really changed. Yes, I was not myself during my affair, so he still sees me as a cheater and liar....I guess it takes time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chapparal said:


> All the suicides involving affairs I have known of were men. Matter of fact, I haven't known any women that comitted suicide. It would take at least two hands to count the men.


I don't see what relevance rates of suicide have with regardsto how a woman feels embarassed/humiliated/betrayed after she gets cheated on by her husband.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Do you see yourself as a cheater, a husband-stealer? Does it matter what other people think of you?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

working_together said:


> awww,thanks. I don't think my hubby will ever see me the same as well even though I feel I haven't really changed. Yes, I was not myself during my affair, so he still sees me as a cheater and liar....I guess it takes time.


Well, strictly speaking, you _are_ a cheater and a liar...you cheated and you lied. And, yes, it does take time to learn, believe and accept that you're no longer ACTIVELY cheating and lying...that you're a "recovering cheater and liar," if you will. Those qualities may no longer define you, but they are a part of you forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> So true but society isn't fair.
> 
> If a guy cheats, he gets a slap on the hand and alot of high fives from other guys.
> 
> ...


The woman is actually considered a 'doormat' by other women; and the opinion is that she has to put up with it because no one else will have her. Then there is the universal ' well if he isn't getting it at home, he will get it elsewhere'. You are correct about men getting congratulated and envied by other men. My H has, even though he has been secretive, he has gotten an admiring guess or two about his relationship with that cute little thing; and his friends started calling me honey and acting like they felt sorry for me. It is not gender specific, but I honestly think men are better equipped to deal with it. They are better at compartmentalization then are women. Just saying.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> awww,thanks. I don't think my hubby will ever see me the same as well even though I feel I haven't really changed. Yes, I was not myself during my affair, so he still sees me as a cheater and liar....I guess it takes time.


I don't look at my wife the same way either. They way I describe it is I was always a fan of Carl Yastrzemski. I thought the guy was awesome. I finally got to meet him at spring training one year and he was an absolute a$$. I still appreciate how good a baseball player he was but I realize he is just a man probably with many faults. Before the affair I saw my wife as almost perfect. Even when things weren't going well I assumed part or most of the blame because I saw her through rose colored glasses. After the affair I realized she was far from perfect and that allowed me to alleviate most of my guilt and realize that I was pretty damned great in my own right. I see her now as a flawed but very strong loving woman. I think it's a healthier viewpoint I have now.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> awww,thanks. I don't think my hubby will ever see me the same as well even though I feel I haven't really changed. Yes, I was not myself during my affair, so he still sees me as a cheater and liar....I guess it takes time.


This is your reality for now on, your husband will never see you as you were before the affair, you have taken that away.

Again the quote I got from a previous thread "Nobody ever gets over that intimacy with their wife is no longer exclusive."

That affair will always be in the back of your husband's mind, there will be triggers, he may not show it outwardly but it will always be there. As someone put it to me that Elephant will always be in the room.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

working_together said:


> it made me wonder what our couple friends think of me, yeah, they still treat me the same, and seem comfortable around me. But, do they see me as some floozy husband stealer now?


Yes. The truth is a real b*tch sometimes.



working_together said:


> yes, I cheated on my husband with one OM in a 25 year relationship, I was faithful for 24 years.


People change over 25 years. Since you cheated so recently, it does defines who you are now to most people.



working_together said:


> My affair didn't happen because of this behavior, it happened because I wanted it to, I chose to.


And you wonder why your friends now see you as "some floozy husband stealer"? The fact is, if you want to and chose to you could.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess I just got a reminder of what a screw up I've been, but the comment a good friend made still stung....
> 
> My friend and I were sitting down at my kitchen table a few weeks ago, I was telling her that I was uncomfortable with going out with an old friend from high school. She was celebrating her birthday at a downtown popular club. In no way do I ever do the GNO, I usually go to dinner or movies with friends. So I was tossing the idea around and she then makes this comment..."well, I guess it might be hard for you to not be tempted". Wow, ouch. Ok, I know I was a cheat, liar, you name it, but the word "tempted" sounds so much like I don't have control over my past behavior, and that I am doomed to be labeled a serial cheater. That I'm still that same person.
> 
> ...


It seems that we all earn whatever label we may receive by our actions. I guess one would have to hand out praise for your husband if he has chosen to stay with you and try to mend the relationship.
I had an opportunity to give it a go, but not until two years after the divorce was final and my ex had already been through two other guys after the one she was last cheating with while we were married some twenty one years.
Not being the noble sort, I chose to gather what little I had left in the way of resources and move on, alone.
Not sure what all was said behind my back by alleged friends, but do know that none offered to clue me into what turned out to so obvious the many of them.


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