# Caught wife sexting back in April



## phoonie (Jul 13, 2012)

Back in April I discovered that my wife was having inappropriate communication with a coworker (a manager in fact) who is based in another city. By inappropriate communication, I mean late night texting and some sexting. I confronted her about it and she denied that it was anything more than "flirting", but said she would cease communications with him immediately, and how she loves me so much and cant imagine living without me, blah blah blah.

I accepted her apology and it seemed that things were going well in our relationship until last week when I found out she may be still communicating with him (I know of at least one text that was sent from him to her when she was out with her friends....I have access to her cell usage via verizonwireless.com). Unfortunately I do not know the extent or context of this communication as she is clearly trying to cover her tracks... but I am especially worried now since her company is hosting a week-long conference next week in our city where I am positive they will see each other in person.

I don't know what to do. We have two children under the age of 5 and I do not want to lose my family. I've considered confronting this man and telling him to stay away from my wife, or calling his wife and alerting her to this situation, but I understand this may cause even more problems. I also know that I need more proof, which I may not get until it's too late. I looked into hiring a PI but it is more than I can afford now. Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

PS- I looked into cell phone spy software and it wont work with her phone since she uses a Windows Phone. All the programs I've read up on wont work with that platform. Also I tried installing a keylogger program on her computer but her anti-virus software wont allow it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She took the affair underground after your first D-day. I share your worry that something physical will happen if they do meet up. Is there any way you can get her to miss the conference?

P/S You have nothing to lose by exposing because you're not in the wrong here, that's assuming you have concrete evidence to pass on. What's your concern exactly?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is in contact through other means. (friend phone or a burner phone). Uninstall the anti-virus from her computer and reinstall the keylogger.

GPS her car if you can. You need to expose it to his wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is still in contact but by other ways.

Find his wife and expose to her. Do not warn your wife you are doing this, just do it. He will then throw your wife under the bus to save himself.

If he doesn't back off them, the next step is to inform HR about the innapropriate relationship.

I know it seems harsh, but you tried the nice way of asking her to stop, She didn't and has continued underground. Now you need a big stick that will end the affair. Take it to the OMW and let her be that stick.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She is still in contact but by other ways.
> 
> Find his wife and expose to her. Do not warn your wife you are doing this, just do it. He will then throw your wife under the bus to save himself.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Sadly, there is no other way that I can see.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Usually, I would recommend to gather more concrete evidence before confronting your wife and exposing the affair to the other man's wife. However, because of your situation, where there's a possibility the affair has not become physical yet, and might become physical very soon, I think you should take steps to expose and confront in the next few days.

First, let me tell you what your wife is doing. She is in contact with the other man on a daily basis. She is having an emotional affair with him. It is very likely that she has told him that she loves him. It is very likely that in the near future she is going to tell you that she loves you but is not "in love" with you.

Your wife has turned the other man into somewhat of a fantasy. To her, he is perfect. She has no day-to-day responsibilities with him, no cooking, no cleaning, no shopping, no wiping butts or giving baths, just all lovey-dovey and sex talk and making plans to be together to consummate their love.

You cannot compete with the other man. He is a fantasy. Any picture he has given her has him looking his best. Anything he tells her or texts her is carefully crafted to present him at his best. She sees only his best. She has that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get when you first meet someone and are nervous about impressing them. She will tell you she is "in love" with him. Your wife has settled into a routine existence with you. Going to work. Taking care of the home. Raising children. Other man has provided excitement. She will mistake it for being "in love." You and I probably would call it "infatuation," just like when you were a teenager.

Your story is not unique and cheaters behave in very, very predictable patterns. It really is remarkable how similar they all behave.

When two people are carrying on an emotional affair, it will turn physical very, very quickly if they are in physical proximity to each other. The longer the emotional affair, the more likely they will make it a physical affair very quickly when they meet. Due to the large number of texts and conversations your wife is having with the other man (I know she is texting and talking to him a lot, even if you haven't found this out yet), and the length of time she's been at it, it is very likely they already have plans to make it physical the first time they meet. You say you found the first sext in April. That means it probably already was ongoing for at least a few weeks at that point. Now you found out she was communicating with him last week and trying to cover her tracks. If they did stop communicating at all, it was for a very short time, maybe two or three days. So they have been carrying on this emotional affair for at least four months now.

Look for new lingerie hidden away, look for changes in grooming, look for tanning, etc., - she will want to look her best for the first time with the other man when he comes to town next week.

Going forward, understand that cheaters lie. Your wife is a cheater. From now on, assume all of your wife's words are lies, unless they are backed up by actions. Believe only the actions, not the words. She told you it was over. Just words. Her actions say different. She is continuing her affair and taking steps to cover her tracks. She will tell you they are just friends, good co-workers, etc. Do not believe her.

Get a voice-activated recorder and put it in her car. Look in her car for a burner phone. Look for the lingerie, grooming, etc., both in the house and on your account statements.

Try to find out information to contact the other man's wife. Tell his wife what you know - that there was sexting between your wife and her husband in April; that your wife told you she would cease contact with him; that your wife is in contact with him and is covering her tracks; and ask other man's wife to keep her eyes open for signs that her husband may be having an emotional and/or physical affair with your wife. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Because their conference is next week, you do not have too much time. If you can, wait a day or two to see if the voice-activated recorder picks anything up or if you can find more evidence by looking around the house, at phone records, emails, etc., before exposing to the other man's wife.

Confront your wife as soon as possible after exposing to the other man's wife. Tell your wife that you know she has lied to you about her relationship with the other man. Do not say what you know or how you know it. Tell your wife that you need to hear it from her, you want her to tell you the truth, and that if she doesn't come clean, you are considering divorce. Stay firm on this. Do not give up what you know or how you know it no matter what.

When your wife finds out you have exposed the affair to the other man's wife, she most likely will storm out of the house and contact the other man immediately. She may make plans to move out and stay with the other man when he comes next week. She almost definitely will tell you that she was about to end it with the other man and recommit to you, but now she won't because of what you've done. She also will almost definitely ask you why would you want to hurt the innocent other man's wife (as if the other man's wife would not want to know that her husband was sexting with your wife or possibly about to have sex with your wife). Ignore this. Tell your wife that everything you are doing, you are doing to fight for your wife, your marriage, and your family, and you will not apologize for fighting for her, your marriage, and your family.

It is important that you remain as calm and confident as possible during any confrontations with your wife. Do not whine, plead, or beg with her to end it. That will not work and probably will make it a lot worse. It is a good idea to have a voice-activated recorder on you when you confront your wife, just in case she might accuse you of some type of abuse or violence to get you thrown out of the house.

It is possible that the affair has become physical already. It is possible that other man has traveled to your city on business and your wife did not tell you about it. It is possible that your wife said she was going to work, but did not.

For now, assume the affair has not become physical yet, but assume they will consummate it when they see each other next week.

In the meantime, can you tell us what your wife has done when you say she's tried to cover her tracks? Also, can you give more specifics about the frequency and content of the texting, sexting and the other communications she's had with the other man in the past?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

More often than not, when there's sexting, there is sex. Certainly was true in my wife's case.



phoonie said:


> Back in April I discovered that my wife was having inappropriate communication with a coworker (a manager in fact) who is based in another city.


Could you explain how it all started with a remote colleague if they haven't met (and spent substantial alone time) in person?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Good to see that you have done the necessary homework.
Good to see that you are not blaming yourself,and you see this exactly for what it is.
You have only one option.
Tell his wife your suspicion, [ Also about the previous sexting incident ] If you are wrong , both she and your wife are supposed to understand.
If you wife gets upset ,then you are on the right track.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Tell her she is not going.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You're using the wrong kind of keylogger. Use one that is supposed to work as a parental control tool. AV software allow those...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I used desktopshark, it takes snapshots of the screen and didn't interfere with my antivirus.

Agree 100% with what's been said, act and do not delay, 

Do NOT underestimate the power of infatuation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoonie (Jul 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I used desktopshark, it takes snapshots of the screen and didn't interfere with my antivirus.
> 
> Agree 100% with what's been said, act and do not delay,
> 
> ...


Thanks everyone. I think the hardest part to understand is the ease in which my wife can lie about what's going on. Like it doesnt even phase her. Anyway, she picked the wrong person to try and deceive. I am quite good at these cat and mouse games and i know ill get to the bottom of it one way or another. The advantage that us loyal spouses have is the the DS's always make mistakes. We just need to catch them when they do. Will keep you posted on developments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Should instituted the nc policy immediately so right now you could be walking out the door with a clear head. Now u will need to do as others stated and investigate. Also might want to tell her she is not allowed to delete her txt. That way verizon tells you a txt came through and if she don't have it its cause she's deleted it which means divorce. At least that's what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell his wife. Today.


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## phoonie (Jul 13, 2012)

thebuckest said:


> Should instituted the nc policy immediately so right now you could be walking out the door with a clear head. Now u will need to do as others stated and investigate. Also might want to tell her she is not allowed to delete her txt. That way verizon tells you a txt came through and if she don't have it its cause she's deleted it which means divorce. At least that's what I did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Should have also mentioned that I believe they are using an internal, company specific communication tool that I havent been able to track (ms lync). They can text and talk throught it and bypass verizon showing any related texts or calls, only data charges.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No matter the form they are communicating with--his wife needs to know. She deserves the truth.

And you should expose the affair to her w/o giving your wife or him a heads up, just as they did to you. Be stealth, grasshopper.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

my wife started out as textin the ********* OM. I SO wish I would have called that MF'r when I found the first text. 

JMO, 
but I would call the OM yesterday, and confront. It may not do a bunch of good, but you will at least let the OM know, and most likely put a little fear into him. 

Mention telling his wife, and employer whats going on. Then 180 HARD on your wife.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

phoonie said:


> Thanks everyone. I think the hardest part to understand is the ease in which my wife can lie about what's going on. Like it doesnt even phase her. *Anyway, she picked the wrong person to try and deceive. I am quite good at these cat and mouse games and i know ill get to the bottom of it one way or another. *The advantage that us loyal spouses have is the the DS's always make mistakes. We just need to catch them when they do. Will keep you posted on developments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:

I like the sound of that.:smthumbup:

Rule #1:
Don't lie to me , then f**k with my feelings and still expect to be treated "nice."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

phoonie said:


> Should have also mentioned that I believe they are using an internal, company specific communication tool that I havent been able to track (ms lync). They can text and talk throught it and bypass verizon showing any related texts or calls, only data charges.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is the hole in your surveillance net obviously. She knows you have no access to her work computer or work phone. Coincidentally, that's the hole in mine as well. She can keep the communication going through that route. 

Another method, like Will Kane just said, is the possibility of a hidden secret affair phone, otherwise known as a pay as you go, or burner phone. That's yet another main tool that WS' use. To detect this, you will have to employ a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). You know what other place they feel is secure to talk to their lover? It's in the vehicle. It offers complete privacy, and is therefore the best place to install a VAR. Do it using industrial strength velcro, under the drivers seat or some other place they won't think to look. 










As for the keylogger, if you have admin rights, then you can set the virus scanner to make exceptions to the files in the keylogger. If you can afford it, spend the extra money for the good ones that actually have tech support that you can contact if you're having problems installing it. They have specific instructions on how to install it and how to have your anti virus software disregard it. That's what I did. Look here:

Best Backup Software Reviews

I use Spy Agent myself, but I wouldn't recommend it unless you know what you're doing. A popular one is Web Watcher.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You've probably exhausted verizonwireless, but be sure to use their analyze usage features, I was able to find 2 extra phone numbers that way belonging to the AP other than her main cell. Also looked back through the bills for the past year, print them off now because they only keep 12 months worth.

Last, not useful to you now but Verizon logs the current month texts by date, time, location. Not the actual messages but I suspect the amount is the giveaway anyhow.

Oh, and you need the book Not Just Friend by Shirley Glass, a leading infidelity researcher, that is the best book on EAs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Oh, and you need the book Not Just Friend by Shirley Glass, a leading infidelity researcher, that is the best book on EAs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

That book is one of *THE* most helpful books out there when it comes to infidelity. It's a shame that Dr. Glass passed away. She would have been able to write much more.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

It's also one of the most painful reads for a recently betrayed spouse, especially when you start seeing patterns, but no pain no gain.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I caught my husband through a voice activated recorder in the car. She will think she is alone and no one will hear her talk. 

Also, the car tracker is next on my list. 

If she works for a large company and uses their comunicator, those are easily monitored and they say there is not guarantee of privacy using company property. But I wouldnt tell her that. That's just a bold / stupid move if she's using company property.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell his wife!!!!
Warn this poor women about the train wreck that is coming her way.
I suggest you gather your proof but before the confrence you must expose this affair to the OMW (other mans wife).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

1) Tell the other man's wife (OMW) right now. Tell her about the evidence that you had in April and let her know that you believe that they have taken it underground.

2) After you have spoken to the OMW, do not tell your wife that you have done this. Wait to see how fast she learns about it from the other man (OM).

3) Tell her that you are rightfully concerned about her meeting up with the other man (OM) at the conference and ask her not to go; she can call in sick that week.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

my wifes affair started the same way. Innocent texts ("we are just friends") followed by sexting ("I was just drunk and flirting"), followed by a full blown sexual affair. Dont believe her, where there is smoke there is fire. I was naive once too


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I know you are super hesitant to tell the OMW because you have a million worries about what it will bring in terms of fallout.

I can tell you one think it will bring, it will bring a new force, the OMW into the picture as an ally in killing this affair. It will hopefully result in him throwing your wife under the bus to save himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoonie (Jul 13, 2012)

so the **** hit the fan this morning. wife went to a friends/neighbors house last night and came home @ 1am. This morning she said a couple of things that made me suspicious so I checked her VZN records and sure enough, there was a text sent from her to him when she was there last night.

I pretty much flipped out at her and left the house. She continued to lie to me..."I dont know what you are talking about"...."Why do you think I was contacting him, I wasnt...havent in weeks" etc as I was getting my shot together to leave.

Get in my car and call this POS OM. I get his voice-mail and I leave a message threatening his career and family if he doesn't leave my wife alone. I told him what I know and that if he even farts in my wife's direction I am telling his wife about everything.

20 min later my wife calls me and asks me to come home, wants to talk. I said there is nothing to talk about, all you tell me is lies. We argue for a little longer and I could hear my kids crying in the background, so I decided to go home and at least calm down my kids cause none of this is their fault.

Get home, calm down kids and start packing a suitcase. Wife loses it, start crying, telling me sorry...that she initiated the chat last night and that the OM didt reciprocate. Starts saying that she is an idiot, doesnt know why she dis...insists that it's nothing more, that nothing physical ever happened, etc. I tell her I cant believe any of it and that the lawyers will get to the bottom of everything. Told her I hope she doesn't mind her companies HR dept getting involved since they use company resources to talk.

Guess there is nowhere else to go but divorce from here. Even if we get counseling I don't think I can ever trust her again.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You already said it but from now on don't tell her/OM what you're going to do, just DO IT!

I would suggest you contact the HR quickly and in a very professional way.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

phoonie said:


> so the **** hit the fan this morning. wife went to a friends/neighbors house last night and came home @ 1am. This morning she said a couple of things that made me suspicious so I checked her VZN records and sure enough, there was a text sent from her to him when she was there last night.
> 
> I pretty much flipped out at her and left the house. She continued to lie to me..."I dont know what you are talking about"...."Why do you think I was contacting him, I wasnt...havent in weeks" etc as I was getting my shot together to leave.
> 
> ...


Good. _Very_ good. Quick, and decisive. You made her head spin.

Here's the thing though - you, just like your wife, are only talking. Words are wind. They mean not a whit.

What matters is _action_. Have you talked to a lawyer? _Will you_? Have you reported your wife and OM to HR? _Will you_?

If you don't, you will be in a _worse_ position than you are now, because your wife will know you're full of sh!t and you're bluffing. Or that you're really a softy and don't have the heart to follow-through with your threats.

She's panicked right now because _she doesn't know_ what you'll do. She's afraid you might actually go through with your threats. Don't disappoint, mate. Do everything you threatened her with. Expose the affair sky-high, to _everyone_ she cares about. Get started on those divorce files. Contact HR. There is no such thing as "overreacting" when it comes to affairs and marriage. This woman is jeapordizing your marriage and future with _her_ stupidity. *Take a stand.*


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> .insists that it's nothing more, that nothing physical ever happened,


Yeah, that's what they say...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well that sucks but it does help move you out of the limbo and dread of the company meeting that's coming up.

I would take this opportunity to 

1. Actually notify the OM's wife. Why are you protecting him at this point? 

2. Demand a polygraph from her about the affair, was it PA, is it still going on, were they planning on meeting up.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Wow, you kind of jumped the gun. Now she will be very careful as she suspects you will be investigating. If something is going to happen you will not be able to prevent it. Since you blew the covers off the sexting already, you may want to sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart about your concerns.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Wow, you kind of jumped the gun. Now she will be very careful as she suspects you will be investigating. If something is going to happen you will not be able to prevent it. Since you blew the covers off the sexting already, you may want to sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart about your concerns.


He only jumped the gun if evidence gathering and R are important for him. If he is just dumping her he doesn't need nothing more.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Talk to your lawyer about child custody. Do you want 50/50? Does it matter if you move out? 

Could you get your wife to move out instead?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know if feels good to threaten the OM and have him running scared but....tactically, it's one of the worst things to do. One of the rules of exposure is *NEVER EVER* tell your WS and/or warn the OM/OW that you will expose the affair to their spouse. What this does is gives the OM/OW a chance to spin their story to their spouse. He/She will tell their spouse to expect a call from a crazy, jealous, unstable person, who is out to ruin their marriage and not to accept any communications from you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Phoonie here comes the script...

I was never physical... Ok, we did kiss, but only once, I said I can't do this... Ok, we did meet a few time, but no sex, just touching... Ok, I did do oral sex one time, but never never allowed intercourse, I promise... Ok, we had sex, but only once, and I didn't enjoy it... OK!, I had sex with him a few times, I don't know why I kept doing it? But, I promise, never in our home. 

Get the message, even when exposed to the worst... the cheater will cling on to anything, any scrap of dignity to downplay their actions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

By the end of the script it will sound like this...OK! your a selfish lover and OM was great, now give me all your money...

are you going to make any effort in confirming OM stays away from your WW?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have her served at work and ask the lawyer to name the OM in the divorce. Ask about a moral clause that will keep OM from being around your kids.

She had her chance and blow it. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster.

You had a could confrontation, but you made the mistake of warning her. She and OM might start doing some damage control of there own with regards to HR. So act swiftly.

Why in the hell is this women going out alone when her own marriage is falling a part. Geez you would think with such a fragile marrige she would have stay home with her husand. This tells alot about what OP is dealing with.

Seem to me the OM didn't listen and called your wife about the confrontation....I guess its time to call his wife!!!!!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

the guy said:


> She had her chance and blow it.


No offense to you Phoonie, I know this is some serious stuff you are going through. I have been there myself in spades... but a small slice of levity in the midst of the hurricane...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> Phoonie here comes the script...
> 
> I was never physical... Ok, we did kiss, but only once, I said I can't do this... Ok, we did meet a few time, but no sex, just touching... Ok, I did do oral sex one time, but never never allowed intercourse, I promise... Ok, we had sex, but only once, and I didn't enjoy it... OK!, I had sex with him a few times, I don't know why I kept doing it? But, I promise, never in our home.
> 
> Get the message, even when exposed to the worst... the cheater will cling on to anything, any scrap of dignity to downplay their actions.


:iagree:

This is exactly the Trickle Truth script to a T. You should add this to the newbie thread.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

RWB said:


> Phoonie here comes the script...
> 
> I was never physical... Ok, we did kiss, but only once, I said I can't do this... Ok, we did meet a few time, but no sex, just touching... Ok, I did do oral sex one time, but never never allowed intercourse, I promise... Ok, we had sex, but only once, and I didn't enjoy it... OK!, I had sex with him a few times, I don't know why I kept doing it? But, I promise, never in our home.
> 
> Get the message, even when exposed to the worst... the cheater will cling on to anything, any scrap of dignity to downplay their actions.



Yeah, sounds familiar; my husband played victim. "she was pursuing me" & "She bought me the extra phone hiding in my car" - for you to not find. And the classic; The Christmas gift to her; - "someone at work was selling stuff, and talked me into buying it for her!!!" hahaha. Yeah right!:rofl:


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## kostas (Jul 28, 2012)

Dont kill ur self to find the truth you already have it. Whatever the reason this relationship has been compromised. two options you pretent nothing is wrong and you stick around for the kids and try to lift your self up or just walk out. The statistics are there and the truth one only two people can have a relationship when a third joins they all burn unfortunately. Try to protect your sanity because there are no excuses or explanations.


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