# Should I fight for my marriage?



## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

I found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year, together for 19 was leaving to live at his parents. We have 2 kids who are absolutely heartbroken. Doesn’t help that mom is crying constantly and trying to put a smile on my face. We talked yesterday and he is leaning towards a divorce. We are giving it a month to see how it works. This came to me out of the blue. The last month was off and my gut told me something was wrong. He is having an emotional affair since January. He’s done this before with same girl who lives in another country. He also is recovering from addiction and has depression and anxiety. I’m not innocent I realized I’ve been in a funk the past year not liking me and not self care. Which I’m sure added to it. I love him with all my heart. If you would of asked me 5 years ago I would of leaned for divorce we were constantly fighting. We don’t fight. Even with this separation. He’s my best friend. So do I give him space? How long? Do I try to text once in a while? I feel like if I’m not there he’ll forget me. I know his love language is verbal. Ugggg sooo hard.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The guy sounds like a lot of work. You have to wonder why suddenly he wants to stay somewhere else, you ever consider his girlfriend is visiting? Just a thought.

So you know he has had something going on for years with another woman, you know he is dealing with addiction. What don't you know? I would bet there's a long list of secrets and lies, men like him are not good husbands, good fathers, or good people. 

I wish you had expanded a bit on his addiction issues. Addicts live a reckless life and can destroy entire families, emotionally, financially and physically. Is that a chance you want to continue taking? Do you want to put your kids thru that?

What happens if he leaves the country for his girlfriend?

He mentioned divorce, I think you should run with it. Start the process tomorrow, get a legal seperation, protect your finances.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My heart breaks for your children. I will never ever understand how a parent can leave or abandon their children. 

Do you think he would agree to MC?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maybe but he has to be willing to do the work too. At a minimum that will involve him cutting contact with this LDR OW. Don't start there because such an ultimatium will upset him. Ask if you two can go to counseling. If he's not already in therapy for his issues, he needs to start IC. Also if he's an addict, is he in AA or NA? They might be able to help too.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

He's a cheater and always will be. That is just a sad fact. You have to decide if you can live with that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Supermom24 said:


> He also is recovering from addiction and has depression and anxiety.


Let's make one thing succinctly clear. There is no such thing as "recovering" from addiction. Once an addict, always an addict. People usually need professional help to stop substance abuse, and the recidivism rate is very high. One must place himself in constant accountability so as not to abuse the substance (or, another substance).



BigDaddyNY said:


> He's a cheater and always will be. That is just a sad fact. You have to decide if you can live with that.


You should thank God and Greyhound he's gone. He is a terrible example for your children. Get a lawyer, make sure he gets supervised visitation only, and then at the rate of about once per year.

You and your children are both far better off with his lousy a$$ gone.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> I found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year, together for 19 was leaving to live at his parents. We have 2 kids who are absolutely heartbroken. Doesn’t help that mom is crying constantly and trying to put a smile on my face. We talked yesterday and he is leaning towards a divorce. We are giving it a month to see how it works. This came to me out of the blue. The last month was off and my gut told me something was wrong. He is having an emotional affair since January. He’s done this before with same girl who lives in another country. He also is recovering from addiction and has depression and anxiety. I’m not innocent I realized I’ve been in a funk the past year not liking me and not self care. Which I’m sure added to it. I love him with all my heart. If you would of asked me 5 years ago I would of leaned for divorce we were constantly fighting. We don’t fight. Even with this separation. He’s my best friend. So do I give him space? How long? Do I try to text once in a while? I feel like if I’m not there he’ll forget me. I know his love language is verbal. Ugggg sooo hard.


I’m sorry you are here with this Supermom. I agree with others that this guy is a real mess.

Fixing him would be a monumental task, and to be honest, from your description I would not be hopeful at all. If you keep him and try to fix things, I think you will be at a huge risk of bad behavior over and over again.

He has been engaged in an affair and that’s not something that he will easily come back no matter how hard you try.
And you have your kids future to think about. Is he really the guy for the ‘daddy’ job? It doesn’t sound like it to me.

I would really suggest that you be a role model to your kids here. His behavior is not acceptable for a spouse. Put ‘future-them‘ in your sights and do what you would want them to do.

Consult a lawyer, start making this seperation permenant. Focus on you and your kids now. Hubby is gone.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

His cheating has nothing to do with you. That’s only on him!

He’s done this before. He will do it again. Just divorce him.

If he was truly recovering - he wouldn’t be adding to the harm he’s done to those he loves. So he’s really not DOING everything he should be doing to repair the damage he’s already caused to you.

Divorce him! He’s not doing his part! He’s a chump and you should tell him he’s not doing his part.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fight for him? What does that look like to you?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you fight for a marriage when your partner is mistreating you?

Get counseling. You need help with a healthy boundary.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There’s nothing to fight for. What you’re describing is not a marriage.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Maybe but he has to be willing to do the work too. At a minimum that will involve him cutting contact with this LDR OW. Don't start there because such an ultimatium will upset him. Ask if you two can go to counseling. If he's not already in therapy for his issues, he needs to start IC. Also if he's an addict, is he in AA or NA? They might be able to help too.


He sees a counselor. First it was Vicodin and he is on meds to recover from that but then went to weed and then alcohol. He said no to counseling for us. I told him he shouldn’t talk to the other girl. He said I could say that but I’m not sure I can follow through. So this was yesterday. Today he came to spend time with my boys and I saw the wonderful dad he could be. He was helping me with little things that needed to get done. I was proud of myself. Kept my composure. I didn’t cry. I was to the point. Once he left was when I let it all out, crying.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Fight for him? What does that look like to you?


I guess not give up on the marriage and saying give me the divorce papers. So giving him space but at the same time my presence known. He took the kids today and they all had fun. I told him he was a great father on text and he thanked me. We don’t fight at all. I told him a few days ago that I loved him. I figured once in a while a compliment (by no means do I want to seem desperate with constant texts). I’m hoping by the end of the month trial I can bring up couples counseling. He currently does not want to do it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Supermom24 said:


> I found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year, together for 19 was leaving to live at his parents. We have 2 kids who are absolutely heartbroken. Doesn’t help that mom is crying constantly and trying to put a smile on my face. We talked yesterday and he is leaning towards a divorce. We are giving it a month to see how it works. This came to me out of the blue. The last month was off and my gut told me something was wrong. He is having an emotional affair since January. He’s done this before with same girl who lives in another country. He also is recovering from addiction and has depression and anxiety. I’m not innocent I realized I’ve been in a funk the past year not liking me and not self care. Which I’m sure added to it. I love him with all my heart. If you would of asked me 5 years ago I would of leaned for divorce we were constantly fighting. We don’t fight. Even with this separation. He’s my best friend. So do I give him space? How long? Do I try to text once in a while? I feel like if I’m not there he’ll forget me. I know his love language is verbal. Ugggg sooo hard.


Require him to get professional help before trying to resume normalcy.

You need to REQUIRE this from him and you need to consider your children's well-being first since your husband is apparently only aware of himself.

Your husband is unstable, a cheater and substance abuser. That is a terrible combination to be around your kids and if he thinks he is a prize for you to chase after, he needs heavy therapy.

If you think he is a prize to be chased, you need some help as well hon.

Start stabilizing your life for your kids and lay down the law with your husband.

Can you get some help from your family and can you get a consultation with a family law attorney?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Supermom24 said:


> I guess not give up on the marriage and saying give me the divorce papers. So giving him space but at the same time my presence known. He took the kids today and they all had fun. I told him he was a great father on text and he thanked me. We don’t fight at all. I told him a few days ago that I loved him. I figured once in a while a compliment (by no means do I want to seem desperate with constant texts). I’m hoping by the end of the month trial I can bring up couples counseling. He currently does not want to do it.


What on earth does he have against you?

Why did he leave?


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> My heart breaks for your children. I will never ever understand how a parent can leave or abandon their children.
> 
> Do you think he would agree to MC?


As of now no MC. He said no. He said we would need a miracle, his mind is set on the divorce. But said he wanted to give it a month or so to see how it is away from us living as divorce couple co parenting. He wanted to see if his mind would change. He said I’m known for bad choices. My heart broke in a thousand pieces last night talking to my older son. It really hit him. I was able to get him talking and he said he feels like he is losing everyone: first our dog (passed away 6 months ago) and now daddy. I reassured him he will always have me and listed all the people in his life. I told him he could talk to me about anything or if he has questions. He asked if this was going to be a divorce and I said I didn’t know. My little one who is 7 is in his own world. He will say he misses daddy. He also told me not to say the word “daddy” because it makes his brother cry.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Require him to get professional help before trying to resume normalcy.
> 
> You need to REQUIRE this from him and you need to consider your children's well-being first since your husband is apparently only aware of himself.
> 
> ...


I know love is a hard thing. By no means is he a prize. Many people say I’m a saint to deal with this. But he is my best friend. He does get help and is on medication for his drug abuse and depression. But he turns to other substances like weed or alcohol. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family. They are their for me mentally, emotionally, and financially. They want what makes me happy. By no means am I a saint, I was going through a funk which added to this and had him go to the ho bag for emotional support.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> What on earth does he have against you?
> 
> Why did he leave?


Because he said I didn’t compliment him enough. He said he is a child with low self esteem and needs praise. I’m no saint. I was dealing with my own funk. I would just stay on the couch and watch tv or play on my phone. I’ve done a lot of reflecting the past few days really trying to work on my self. I need to be happy with my self. Made goals of eating better and exercise. He told me I’m an amazing mom. That we just aren’t the right fit. I’m thinking ummm 19 years not a right fit? We never fight. All our conversations are civil.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Super Mom, right now what you're doing is just rewarding horrible behavior by giving him praise so it's no wonder he thinks he can do these sort of things to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What makes you think he will not go back to her, or someone else, every time he doesn’t think you’re praising him enough?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Supermom24 said:


> He said he is a child


Believe him.

Boys shouldn't try to love a woman.

Women shouldn't entertain the fantasies of boys.

Find a man.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Believe him.
> 
> Boys shouldn't try to love a woman.
> 
> ...


You are right. But how do I let go? He is my best friend. I honestly don’t know how. Reflecting I probably should see a therapist. It’s on my to do list of self care. I’m excited I’m going to get my hairstyle and get a new look. But at this moment I guess I just need to vent or talk to someone other than my mom and my best friend. They are too bias. I guess I need someone to tell me I’ll be ok. The future just looks so scary. I know I can do it and I am an Amazing person. But how do I let go my high school crush. Someone I’ve been with for so long. Someone who we can finish each other’s sentences, laughed with, did big milestones with.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> You are right. But how do I let go? He is my best friend. I honestly don’t know how. Reflecting I probably should see a therapist. It’s on my to do list of self care. I’m excited I’m going to get my hairstyle and get a new look. But at this moment I guess I just need to vent or talk to someone other than my mom and my best friend. They are too bias. I guess I need someone to tell me I’ll be ok. The future just looks so scary. I know I can do it and I am an Amazing person. But how do I let go my high school crush. Someone I’ve been with for so long. Someone who we can finish each other’s sentences, laughed with, did big milestones with.


I've got news for you. He isn't your best friend. Do best friends complain that you don't compliment them enough and just walk away from you after 2 decades? He cares about himself, that's all. Your fear is understandable, but it is only harming you. You can find another person that will laugh with you, finish your sentences, hit big milestones yet to come AND won't walk away from you because you haven't given enough compliments or because they are a drug addict.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Let's make one thing succinctly clear. There is no such thing as "recovering" from addiction. Once an addict, always an addict. People usually need professional help to stop substance abuse, and the recidivism rate is very high. One must place himself in constant accountability so as not to abuse the substance (or, another substance).


As a "recovering" addict myself, this needs to be on OPs mind as well. An addict must be ACCOUNTABLE to themselves first. If he wants to work towards bettering your relationship he'll want to put in the work where ever he needs to, starting with his usage. There are multiple tools he can use like therapy, AA, etc. He has to want it. This is something he can only prove with actions.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

He is doing everything he can to make YOU file for divorce because he is a coward, he wants to exit without the guilt. He has a girlfriend, does drugs, sounds like also a drinking problem, abandoned you, your children, your marriage and the marital home. Did you ever see yourself in this kind of marriage? I bet no. Would you consider marrying a man who cheats, abandons his family, does drugs and drinks? Again I bet not.

You have to see you are fighting a losing battle. I know it's hard accepting your marriage is over because the emotions are still fresh for you, but your husband has been working on his exit for some time, probably since he started chatting up his girlfriend.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> He said no to counseling for us. I told him he shouldn’t talk to the other girl. He said I could say that but I’m not sure I can follow through.





Supermom24 said:


> As of now no MC. He said no. He said we would need a miracle, his mind is set on the divorce.


Alas if that is his stance, there is nothing you can fight for. You can't hold this marriage together against his will and without professional help. 

Respect your children's wishes & console them. Your focus should be on them right now. Get a lawyer & get CS & visitation settled but let your STBX go.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> Many people say I’m a saint to deal with this.


You can NOT "nice" him back. It never works.

What you need is self-respect and good boundaries, although it may well be too late.



Supermom24 said:


> But he is my best friend.


Nope. Best friends don't crap all over you. They don't cheat on you and cheat on your kids. 

Serve him divorce papers before he does you. That is the one thing that might wake him up. He's used to you talking, he's used to you taking his crap, he is NOT used to you taking action. It's the one thing that might actually shake him up.

Counseling isn't going to work either, because he doesn't want to change and he has no incentive to do so when he can have his cake and eat it too.

Edit: I know it's harsh, but it's true.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

I'll be the first to admit that I'm responding to this through the lens of my own experience so know that going in--Based on my experience, cheaters rarely change, especially if they are serial cheaters. I might be willing to give someone a second chance, but there are no third chances. And I say that as someone who probably gave my ex five or six chances. Ultimately, you have to realize that despite the person being your best friend, the fear of starting over, the fear of upheaval that divorce causes, sometimes it is the best thing to do. If you and your husband can set a good example, the kids can come out of it okay. But you don't have to stay together to raise the kids appropriately and responsibly. In fact, you can do them a disservice by raising them in a toxic marriage. It ends up setting a bad example of what relationships look like for them. 

You gave him a second chance and he failed with this emotional affair. We have to take people at their word for what they are. He has shown his true colors. While divorce can be scary and stressful, you would come out the other side better off. That is my two cents.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Nope. Best friends don't crap all over you. They don't cheat on you and cheat on your kids.


This is spot on! Remember this over and over when you think of what could have been. I kept telling myself that my ex was my best friend, but then I realized that a best friend would not treat you like this. A person who treats you like this is not worthy of your friendship. Just remind yourself of that whenever you feel like you are losing your best friend. In reality, you are losing a person who used your friendship against you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ll leave (if you do) when you can’t take it any longer. You’re not there yet and may never be.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Supermom24 said:


> He’s my best friend and I love him.


I didn't want to thread jack on somebody else thread, but you said there, and also here the same above statement.

I say, NO, he's not your best friend. You desperately want to believe he's so, and all that. 
I ask you: what does you loving him has anything to do with the price of meat today?

If I were to have a best friend doing to me what your husband is doing to you, I'll rather have no friends. Your pain and sorrows is making you grasp at illusionary images of him as you'd want him to be for you.

You loving him means nothing, because he's in love with an illusion of a woman (has he ever met her in person?) that is somewhere else, but to him she's in his heart, not you.

So, better get used now to reality, because in the end it will be an advantage to your emotional well-being. Moreover, why, I mean why you want to be with a man that is in love with another woman? Don't you have pride and dignity?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since he’s unwilling to change and help to grow the marriage - it won’t get better.

He’s giving you no hope that it will improve.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I didn't want to thread jack on somebody else thread, but you said there, and also here the same above statement.
> 
> I say, NO, he's not your best friend. You desperately want to believe he's so, and all that.
> I ask you: what does you loving him has anything to do with the price of meat today?
> ...


I feel like love is a tricky thing. Reading everyone’s post you are right. He’s not a man just a boy who is messed up. To my knowledge he has never met her… but today for ****s and giggles I found her on instagram with a picture with another girl posing by a statue that is in our city. So she is in town! He left for this perfect opportunity to meet up with her. The picture is dated 3 days ago. In my mind I thought I could get through if it was an emotional affair but now I think there’s a good chance that it is now physical. What is he thinking?! Going to move to another country to raise another womans 3 kids from 2 men. I’m done. Throwing towel in.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> I'll be the first to admit that I'm responding to this through the lens of my own experience so know that going in--Based on my experience, cheaters rarely change, especially if they are serial cheaters. I might be willing to give someone a second chance, but there are no third chances. And I say that as someone who probably gave my ex five or six chances. Ultimately, you have to realize that despite the person being your best friend, the fear of starting over, the fear of upheaval that divorce causes, sometimes it is the best thing to do. If you and your husband can set a good example, the kids can come out of it okay. But you don't have to stay together to raise the kids appropriately and responsibly. In fact, you can do them a disservice by raising them in a toxic marriage. It ends up setting a bad example of what relationships look like for them.
> 
> You gave him a second chance and he failed with this emotional affair. We have to take people at their word for what they are. He has shown his true colors. While divorce can be scary and stressful, you would come out the other side better off. That is my two cents.


Thank you. At first I was willing to fight because I thought it was just emotional and she is in another country. I found a pic on instagram im pretty sure she is in town. I think I’m throwing in the towel. I guess I’m scared, how do I get through this. I’m definitely going to get a counselor. I’m so scared.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Cooper said:


> He is doing everything he can to make YOU file for divorce because he is a coward, he wants to exit without the guilt. He has a girlfriend, does drugs, sounds like also a drinking problem, abandoned you, your children, your marriage and the marital home. Did you ever see yourself in this kind of marriage? I bet no. Would you consider marrying a man who cheats, abandons his family, does drugs and drinks? Again I bet not.
> 
> You have to see you are fighting a losing battle. I know it's hard accepting your marriage is over because the emotions are still fresh for you, but your husband has been working on his exit for some time, probably since he started chatting up his girlfriend.


Your right. I’m just so scared. I’m scared of the future. How will I raise my children? Will we be able to keep our house? Financially? Will I ever find love?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> Thank you. At first I was willing to fight because I thought it was just emotional and she is in another country. I found a pic on instagram im pretty sure she is in town. I think I’m throwing in the towel. I guess I’m scared, how do I get through this. I’m definitely going to get a counselor. I’m so scared.


If you’re moving forward with legal separation & divorce then see a lawyer right away. Follow their advice.
You will want to get some friends and family next to you to support you as you go through it.

Start disengaging from your husband as much as possible, and as soon as you have a lawyer retained, then you shouldn’t talk to your husband again except as is needed for the kids and only then. It will make things much harder if you see him or talk to him for anything else. Any other communication can go through your lawyer.

Care for yourself and your kids with the highest priority right now and let the legal folks do their job. Lean on your support system and let them love you.

Best of luck Supermom. This road is long and hard, but you will make it, and be better for it at the end. Keep coming here and these fine people will continue to help you as you go through this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Supermom24 said:


> Your right. I’m just so scared. I’m scared of the future. How will I raise my children? Will we be able to keep our house? Financially? Will I ever find love?


One thing at a time. Your immediate priority is to be able to get legal counsel to determine where you stand on a divorce. Whoever is you get to retain as your attorney will explain it all to you. That legal office will strategy and advice what you must do. Follow their directives as much as possible to the point. They'd know what they're doing.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sorry you are going through this. Don't make the typical mistakes most people make in this situation. Read up. 

Take steps to take care of yourself and your kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you for checking. Now you know the real story. Many people use a separation as an excuse to try out someone else without their spouse knowing what’s going on. If the new person doesn’t work out then they suddenly want to put their marriage back together. You need to start planning for what’s next — whatever it may be. Finding out where you stand financially is a big part of that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> I feel like love is a tricky thing. Reading everyone’s post you are right. He’s not a man just a boy who is messed up. To my knowledge he has never met her… but today for ****s and giggles I found her on instagram with a picture with another girl posing by a statue that is in our city. So she is in town! He left for this perfect opportunity to meet up with her. The picture is dated 3 days ago. In my mind I thought I could get through if it was an emotional affair but now I think there’s a good chance that it is now physical. What is he thinking?! Going to move to another country to raise another womans 3 kids from 2 men. I’m done. Throwing towel in.


Remember this, he is not a friend of you or even his own kids. He is walking away like none of you have any value. At some point he is likely to try getting back in good graces with you. Resist the urge to let him back in.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

You are so right! This week has some of my highest and lowest points. I’m proud of myself for giving me a long over due makeover for ME not him. But my struggle is the lowest points. How do I stop thinking of him! I journal which helps but before bed is the worst. Dumb thoughts of him and the girl. Or what’s going on in his mind. I’m tired of crying. I know it’s a fresh cut and it needs time to heal. During the day I’m busy, but it’s the nights that are my struggle.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Good for you for checking. Now you know the real story. Many people use a separation as an excuse to try out someone else without their spouse knowing what’s going on. If the new person doesn’t work out then they suddenly want to put their marriage back together. You need to start planning for what’s next — whatever it may be. Finding out where you stand financially is a big part of that.


It all makes sense now! How perfect the timing is. I loved how when we were making boundaries for the separation and I asked if we should see others he says no. Then when we had our discussion and I asked are you seeing anyone he says no but then admits he is talking to that girl. He’s like she’s not the reason. BS! Then I find out she’s in town! It’s all a fantasy for him. She lives in a different country!! It blows my mind. I knew something was off the past month and a half. Always trust your gut. I hate how I try to have a convo with him and he says nothing or stumbles on his words looking down. ( when we were creating boundaries about children and finances) it was like pulling teeth. If he wants to live in this fantasy then he needs to man up. Uggg! So frustrating and not fair. I hate that I’m crying over him!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Your husband is broken. He needs a permanent crutch to get through the day and he will always be addicted to something. I know you love him and you've been with him for a long time, but he won't change.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Supermom24 said:


> It all makes sense now! How perfect the timing is. I loved how when we were making boundaries for the separation and I asked if we should see others he says no. Then when we had our discussion and I asked are you seeing anyone he says no but then admits he is talking to that girl. He’s like she’s not the reason. BS! Then I find out she’s in town! It’s all a fantasy for him. She lives in a different country!! It blows my mind. I knew something was off the past month and a half. Always trust your gut. I hate how I try to have a convo with him and he says nothing or stumbles on his words looking down. ( when we were creating boundaries about children and finances) it was like pulling teeth. If he wants to live in this fantasy then he needs to man up. Uggg! So frustrating and not fair. I hate that I’m crying over him!


I suspected his girlfriend was coming for a visit, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

So he has made his decision that the girlfriend is more important than all else, now is the time to take advantage of that. Protect yourself financially, understand he can empty your accounts and max out credit cards, everything is shared property at this point. If you are the primary on the credit cards have his name removed. If you have the larger retirement stop contributing till after the divorce. If payroll goes into joint accounts open your own account for future deposits. Keep records of everything, every phone call, details of conversations, every text and email, any money he spends from joint accounts. Get your hands on the past tax records so you have proof of his income, that will possibly determine spousal and child support.

Leverage his guilt to your advantage, file for divorce and dectate the settlement. By law you and the kids have certain entitlements and you need to make sure you get what is due.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Supermom24 said:


> It all makes sense now! How perfect the timing is. I loved how when we were making boundaries for the separation and I asked if we should see others he says no. Then when we had our discussion and I asked are you seeing anyone he says no but then admits he is talking to that girl. He’s like she’s not the reason. BS! Then I find out she’s in town! It’s all a fantasy for him. She lives in a different country!! It blows my mind. I knew something was off the past month and a half. Always trust your gut. I hate how I try to have a convo with him and he says nothing or stumbles on his words looking down. ( when we were creating boundaries about children and finances) it was like pulling teeth. If he wants to live in this fantasy then he needs to man up. Uggg! So frustrating and not fair. I hate that I’m crying over him!


Everything is going to be ok. 🤗

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. 

One taco at a time. 😉 (that was to make you laugh).


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Works said:


> Everything is going to be ok. 🤗
> 
> One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
> 
> One taco at a time. 😉 (that was to make you laugh).


There's a country song that says just that by Chris Cagle, I breathe in, I breathe out. Though I don't think he talks about tacos.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Cooper said:


> There's a country song that says just that by Chris Cagle, I breathe in, I breathe out. Though I don't think he talks about tacos.


He should... who doesn't like tacos?! 

Definitely going to listen to the song.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> Everything is going to be ok. 🤗
> 
> One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
> 
> One taco at a time. 😉 (that was to make you laugh).


Haha I needed that! I love tacos and guacamole!!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Supermom24 said:


> Haha I needed that! I love tacos and guacamole!!


Good... now go get some today and post the pic for us to see under 'What's Cookin?' 😬


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> I found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year, together for 19 was leaving to live at his parents. We have 2 kids who are absolutely heartbroken. Doesn’t help that mom is crying constantly and trying to put a smile on my face. We talked yesterday and he is leaning towards a divorce. We are giving it a month to see how it works. This came to me out of the blue. The last month was off and my gut told me something was wrong. He is having an emotional affair since January. He’s done this before with same girl who lives in another country. He also is recovering from addiction and has depression and anxiety. I’m not innocent I realized I’ve been in a funk the past year not liking me and not self care. Which I’m sure added to it. I love him with all my heart. If you would of asked me 5 years ago I would of leaned for divorce we were constantly fighting. We don’t fight. Even with this separation. He’s my best friend. So do I give him space? How long? Do I try to text once in a while? I feel like if I’m not there he’ll forget me. I know his love language is verbal. Ugggg sooo hard.







hi sorry your going through this currently in the same situation except we been married 7 years my kids are heartbroken but I think right now give him his space don’t text him or call him even if it’s hardhe will realize that he belongs with you . My mistake was not giving him the space he needed and instead I pushed him furtheraway I really hope everything works out for you and you guys get back together . But also while in the process try to love your self and take care of you ! That’s the most important thing once you love your self it will allow others to see youthe same way I recently started working out not crazy just enough to keep me busy I rearrange my house painted my rooms I try to keep distracted even though mine still thinks of divorce I’m giving him the time to think about it really good before he does it . .


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lonely girl26 said:


> hi sorry your going through this currently in the same situation except we been married 7 years my kids are heartbroken but I think right now give him his space don’t text him or call him even if it’s hardhe will realize that he belongs with you . My mistake was not giving him the space he needed and instead I pushed him furtheraway I really hope everything works out for you and you guys get back together . But also while in the process try to love your self and take care of you ! That’s the most important thing once you love your self it will allow others to see youthe same way I recently started working out not crazy just enough to keep me busy I rearrange my house painted my rooms I try to keep distracted even though mine still thinks of divorce I’m giving him the time to think about it really good before he does it . .


You must have missed the part where he asked for the separation so he can tryout his girlfriend on the side? Why would she want him back?


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Lonely girl26 said:


> hi sorry your going through this currently in the same situation except we been married 7 years my kids are heartbroken but I think right now give him his space don’t text him or call him even if it’s hardhe will realize that he belongs with you . My mistake was not giving him the space he needed and instead I pushed him furtheraway I really hope everything works out for you and you guys get back together . But also while in the process try to love your self and take care of you ! That’s the most important thing once you love your self it will allow others to see youthe same way I recently started working out not crazy just enough to keep me busy I rearrange my house painted my rooms I try to keep distracted even though mine still thinks of divorce I’m giving him the time to think about it really good before he does it . .


How long will you give him? I have definitely taking care of me and it does feel so good. We do text but about the kids that’s it. I totally believe to take care of yourself and you need to love yourself before anyone can love you. With reflecting I did let my self go. I figure through this separation maybe I kind find myself! Today I did a face mask in a bubble bath. Saturday I scheduled a massage. I swear every 5 minutes I go back and forth if I want a divorce or not. It’s so hard not to think of especially before bed. I’ve kept myself busy. This chat room has been helpful. I just wish I had a friend to talk to about this. So far my mom and best friend who lives out of state knows, but I feel bad blabbering to them.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> How long will you give him? I have definitely taking care of me and it does feel so good. We do text but about the kids that’s it. I totally believe to take care of yourself and you need to love yourself before anyone can love you. With reflecting I did let my self go. I figure through this separation maybe I kind find myself! Today I did a face mask in a bubble bath. Saturday I scheduled a massage. I swear every 5 minutes I go back and forth if I want a divorce or not. It’s so hard not to think of especially before bed. I’ve kept myself busy. This chat room has been helpful. I just wish I had a friend to talk to about this. So far my mom and best friend who lives out of state knows, but I feel bad blabbering to them.





honestly the time is more for you then him just try to live your life the best you can I do seenow He asked for a divorce and I mean men change their minds all the times once he is done having fun with his side girl he will try to come back but again I think that is up to you if you are willing to take him back after how he treated you my best advice is do what you feel is right and follow your heart at the end of the day you are the only one who can make that decision. And everyonehere will give you different opinions but work on your self love your self find your self then you will slowly figure out if you still want him or not . In my end I know I still want to be with my husband bit I’m doing me I’m taking care of my self and only worrying about my kids and me till I figure out if that’s really what I want .


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Lonely girl26 said:


> honestly the time is more for you then him just try to live your life the best you can I do seenow He asked for a divorce and I mean men change their minds all the times once he is done having fun with his side girl he will try to come back but again I think that is up to you if you are willing to take him back after how he treated you my best advice is do what you feel is right and follow your heart at the end of the day you are the only one who can make that decision. And everyonehere will give you different opinions but work on your self love your self find your self then you will slowly figure out if you still want him or not . In my end I know I still want to be with my husband bit I’m doing me I’m taking care of my self and only worrying about my kids and me till I figure out if that’s really what I want .


I think you have given me the best advice in here so far!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's not a straightforward path but you seem to be doing good things for yourself. Keep it up.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> It's not a straightforward path but you seem to be doing good things for yourself. Keep it up.


Thank you. I’m proud of myself💪. I may listen on repeat this is my fight song but it motivates me.. lol. My goal today is to stay off googling anything about divorce or separation or saving a marriage. I’m going to live in the present. I know this evening will be hard because I have to see him. He’s picking up the kids. But I’m not going to cry and show him I’m strong without him 😁.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Good for you Supermom. Just remember that this whole thing is a process. Even a toxic relationship that you are okay with ending can still leave you sad and there is nothing wrong with that. The key is just to continue moving forward and not get stuck in the sadness. Based on my experience and reading others experiences, I also think you have to keep in mind that you might feel happy and on top of the world one day and then the next day something random might trigger you and make you sad. I saw a therapist for a bit after my split and she likened it to waves. There will be waves of emotions during this process and that will continue if you move to divorce proceedings, which can be stressful. Just keep trying to do things for yourself, enjoy your time with your kids, and keep using resources like this to talk about things. I, too, did not want to lean too heavily on my friends or family (I found they didn't often give helpful advice either but would just give platitudes) so I think using spaces like this can be helpful to vent.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Good for you Supermom. Just remember that this whole thing is a process. Even a toxic relationship that you are okay with ending can still leave you sad and there is nothing wrong with that. The key is just to continue moving forward and not get stuck in the sadness. Based on my experience and reading others experiences, I also think you have to keep in mind that you might feel happy and on top of the world one day and then the next day something random might trigger you and make you sad. I saw a therapist for a bit after my split and she likened it to waves. There will be waves of emotions during this process and that will continue if you move to divorce proceedings, which can be stressful. Just keep trying to do things for yourself, enjoy your time with your kids, and keep using resources like this to talk about things. I, too, did not want to lean too heavily on my friends or family (I found they didn't often give helpful advice either but would just give platitudes) so I think using spaces like this can be helpful to vent.


You are so right it comes in waves. I’ve been fine all day and just now a melt down. I think it’s because in the mail a letter came that he changed the email to his credit card. I know this is a fresh cut that needs time to heal but I just hate all these emotions. Part of me still wants him back. I run all these scenarios in my mind. I know I only can control myself not him. I love how my best friend who lives in a different state checks on me daily just telling me she is proud of me. Ugggg. I would love a therapist but all the places I called are all booked out for 2 or 3 months. I guess everyone is going crazy. This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song. I’ll be strong.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

So my ex and I said we were going to split up in January 2021, we started living apart in March or April (we'd stay with relatives one week, at our house the next, and repeat), she moved out for good over Labor Day and our divorce is being finalized next week on April 5. So, all told, I have been on this path for over a year. My ex cheated on me and has shown no signs of remorse and even now she tries to act like she's broken up about the finalization of the divorce next week, but she's staying with her boyfriend during that time. So, yeah, she's not upset. She's moved on as if the 15+ years we were together were meaningless. I type all that to show that I am better off out of this marriage and I have been dealing with the fall out for a year and several months. Point being, there are still days I feel sad even though I am better off. I acknowledge it is sadness about what could have been and not reality, but still sad nonetheless that my kids are going through this, that the relationship fell apart. And lots of anger too. Anyway, that is a roundabout way of saying don't feel bad about having lots of emotions, about part of you wanting him back, about feeling hurt about his actions. Emotions are rarely logical and logic does not always win out for most humans. Give yourself grace to feel all the feels. But also keep up with that mantra for taking things back and being strong. In my personal opinion, you can be strong and still feel sad at times. Those things are not mutually exclusive.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> So my ex and I said we were going to split up in January 2021, we started living apart in March or April (we'd stay with relatives one week, at our house the next, and repeat), she moved out for good over Labor Day and our divorce is being finalized next week on April 5. So, all told, I have been on this path for over a year. My ex cheated on me and has shown no signs of remorse and even now she tries to act like she's broken up about the finalization of the divorce next week, but she's staying with her boyfriend during that time. So, yeah, she's not upset. She's moved on as if the 15+ years we were together were meaningless. I type all that to show that I am better off out of this marriage and I have been dealing with the fall out for a year and several months. Point being, there are still days I feel sad even though I am better off. I acknowledge it is sadness about what could have been and not reality, but still sad nonetheless that my kids are going through this, that the relationship fell apart. And lots of anger too. Anyway, that is a roundabout way of saying don't feel bad about having lots of emotions, about part of you wanting him back, about feeling hurt about his actions. Emotions are rarely logical and logic does not always win out for most humans. Give yourself grace to feel all the feels. But also keep up with that mantra for taking things back and being strong. In my personal opinion, you can be strong and still feel sad at times. Those things are not mutually exclusive.


Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sure that day will be one of the hardest. I am such a logical person and having these waves of emotions is crazy. I’m giving myself grace. We got this! 💪


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lonely girl26 said:


> I really hope everything works out for you and you guys get back together . But also while in the process try to love your self and take care of you ! That’s the most important thing once you love your self it will allow others


Given the circumstances of her husband's separation, I don't agred with your above advice. 

Basically, what you are saying is for OP to put her self respect and dignity aside, and dutifully wait for her two timing, cheating husband to get in his senses and comes crawling back to her once he's done (if he gets to be done) with the other woman .

I think that's the response of a man or woman that wants to sweep everything under a rug, pretend that nothing happened, and live happily ever after. That's pathetic in my opinion. 

I read OP response to you about your post. Based on her reply I gather that that's what she wants, to put her self respect and dignity aside as long as he comes back and she can have him back. I find that pathetic, but I'm a male, and it's my lifelong experience that women are more forgiving of their partners sexual escapades than a man would.

I say all this because it called my attention the part where you tell OP that while in the process "to love herself " and I say to myself, how can you love yourself when you don't have the self respect and dignity to dump a cheating bastard that is telling her that he's in love with another woman? To me that's no self respect. But hey, I'm not a woman, if most women think that way, no wonder why so many men mistreat that way their woman. I gather that these men know that the Missy will be there waiting for them to get back home instead of being served with divorce papers.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Super Mom, right now what you're doing is just rewarding horrible behavior by giving him praise so it's no wonder he thinks he can do these sort of things to you.


Yes. Quit complimenting him on being a good father. Theatening to divorce and moving out is not, IMO, actions of a good father. Being an addict is not a good father. Offering no support to you, the mother of his children, when you were having a bad time this past year is not being a good father. Anytime his action hurt the mother of his children he is hurting his children. Cheating is not being a good father. Good parents make sacrifices for the benefit of their children. It sounds like he is only thinking of himself.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

He is an addict. That means you are a codependent. You need to get counseling to understand how your codependency is influencing your decisions. This understanding is very important in order for you to recognize why you have made poor decisions and why you are considering making, in my opinion, the poor decision of staying with him. If you are able to understand codependency, I think it will become crystal clear what decisions you should make.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Lonely girl26 said:


> hi sorry your going through this currently in the same situation except we been married 7 years my kids are heartbroken but I think right now give him his space don’t text him or call him even if it’s hardhe will realize that he belongs with you . My mistake was not giving him the space he needed and instead I pushed him furtheraway I really hope everything works out for you and you guys get back together . But also while in the process try to love your self and take care of you ! That’s the most important thing once you love your self it will allow others to see youthe same way I recently started working out not crazy just enough to keep me busy I rearrange my house painted my rooms I try to keep distracted even though mine still thinks of divorce I’m giving him the time to think about it really good before he does it . .


I did something dumb I talked to him and asked what he was thinking and he said 99.9 percent divorce but he stumbles over his words or there would be silence. It’s killing me. I get these waves of emotions. One minute I’m stronger than ever thinking I got this and the next I’m bawling in tears. I’m promising myself no more pushing and to give him space. It’s just hard because I have to see him in the morning he takes our boys to school. He’s very sweet in person and actually does more than he did when we weren’t separated. I guess those nice acts are what gives me hope. I wish he was mean so I can hate him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better hope she didn’t get pregnant while she was visiting him — or has he had a vasectomy?


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Better hope she didn’t get pregnant while she was visiting him — or has he had a vasectomy?


He’s snipped 😁


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Supermom24 said:


> I did something dumb I talked to him and asked what he was thinking and he said 99.9 percent divorce but he stumbles over his words or there would be silence. It’s killing me. I get these waves of emotions. One minute I’m stronger than ever thinking I got this and the next I’m bawling in tears. I’m promising myself no more pushing and to give him space. It’s just hard because I have to see him in the morning he takes our boys to school. He’s very sweet in person and actually does more than he did when we weren’t separated. I guess those nice acts are what gives me hope. I wish he was mean so I can hate him.


He's being nice because he feels guilty. Your emotions are playing tricks on your brain, logically you know the marriage is over. I'm sorry.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> I did something dumb I talked to him and asked what he was thinking and he said 99.9 percent divorce but he stumbles over his words or there would be silence. It’s killing me. I get these waves of emotions. One minute I’m stronger than ever thinking I got this and the next I’m bawling in tears. I’m promising myself no more pushing and to give him space. It’s just hard because I have to see him in the morning he takes our boys to school. He’s very sweet in person and actually does more than he did when we weren’t separated. I guess those nice acts are what gives me hope. I wish he was mean so I can hate him.


When you feel like you are caving in, just remind yourself this wasn't a simple one night stand. This is a relationship he has been fostering. You can bet he told her he loves her. Do you really want to take back a man that threw you away like yesterday's garbage, slept with another woman and professed love for her. What would it say about you if you chose to get back with someone that cares so little for you and your feelings?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Supermom24 said:


> I wish he was mean so I can hate him.


Dumping you for another woman, cheating on you and your kids, IS mean.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I understand why you're feeling worried and sad about your husband wanting a divorce, but don't rule out that you'll be lost without the feeling of enabling someone anymore. Your 'role' in a way, was his enabler, whether you meant for that to happen or not, you've tolerated a lot more than you needed to. So you might be scared too because your identity is going to change, the identity that you've had as his enabler.

I'd let him go, cry every day if you have to. Cry until you can't cry anymore over him. You will hurt until you don't, but you will heal and become more empowered for doing so, in my opinion. Sorry you're going through this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Supermom24 said:


> Your right. I’m just so scared. I’m scared of the future. How will I raise my children? Will we be able to keep our house? Financially? Will I ever find love?


It wont be easy but many others have got through it.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I understand why you're feeling worried and sad about your husband wanting a divorce, but don't rule out that you'll be lost without the feeling of enabling someone anymore. Your 'role' in a way, was his enabler, whether you meant for that to happen or not, you've tolerated a lot more than you needed to. So you might be scared too because your identity is going to change, the identity that you've had as his enabler.
> 
> I'd let him go, cry every day if you have to. Cry until you can't cry anymore over him. You will hurt until you don't, but you will heal and become more empowered for doing so, in my opinion. Sorry you're going through this.


Thank you. My brain is telling me to leave heart to try to work it out. The more I talk about it on here and journaling my brain is winning. I think being with him for almost 20 years I lost myself. I hate looking in the mirror. While on this separation im starting to find me again. I started exercising, dieting (eating healthier) and got my hair done. Just for fun I went in a dating app ( I’m not ready to date) just looking at options. I couldn’t believe all the likes and comments I was getting from some good looking guys. Helped build my self-esteem. Less tears happened today only she’d a few. It’s crazy because I never thought this would happen to me and here we are.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Dumping you for another woman, cheating on you and your kids, IS mean.


You are right. I just made excuses for him. I just have to be strong for me and my kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one to fight for.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Supermom24 said:


> Thank you. My brain is telling me to leave heart to try to work it out. The more I talk about it on here and journaling my brain is winning. I think being with him for almost 20 years I lost myself. I hate looking in the mirror. While on this separation im starting to find me again. I started exercising, dieting (eating healthier) and got my hair done. Just for fun I went in a dating app ( I’m not ready to date) just looking at options. I couldn’t believe all the likes and comments I was getting from some good looking guys. Helped build my self-esteem. Less tears happened today only she’d a few. It’s crazy because I never thought this would happen to me and here we are.


Yay! And this is just the beginning. It will take time, but you'll get there.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It wont be easy but many others have got through it.


You are telling me! These damn emotions are like being on a rollercoaster. I have to remember He’s probably not shedding a tear about me and living in his fantasy world with the other girl.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How can you lose what is not real?
With what has no substance?

He has none.
He is that _addict_ with everything he touches, everything he does.

He is an _addict_, and he is _at it_ with the same lady from afar.
She is a spirit and spirits make him high.

They take his mind away, away from reality.
Reality is his greatest fear.

At home he is a failure.
With this women he is worthy, maybe a prince.

You are worthy, you are real.
He is a shadow.

Let him go, find yourself in the journey.
Find a new partner, a praiseworthy one.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

That really hit home. I just need all these words of encouragement to throw in the towel.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I hate this for you, but it really will get better. He simply does not deserve you. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is how marriage is supposed to be either. 

Yes, it's a roller coaster, but you're gonna master it. You're going to be better without him!


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> I did something dumb I talked to him and asked what he was thinking and he said 99.9 percent divorce but he stumbles over his words or there would be silence. It’s killing me. I get these waves of emotions. One minute I’m stronger than ever thinking I got this and the next I’m bawling in tears. I’m promising myself no more pushing and to give him space. It’s just hard because I have to see him in the morning he takes our boys to school. He’s very sweet in person and actually does more than he did when we weren’t separated. I guess those nice acts are what gives me hope. I wish he was mean so I can hate him.



I can totally relate mine picks up the kids every or internet too and I do feel same things but as I say your going to have to be strong and pretend your okay the more you beg the more he thinks he is on this high pedestal and mine is also so nice actually does more for the kids now then before . And honestly Eventhoggh I still want my husband back I’ve learned to love being alone and enjoy my self .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Given the circumstances of her husband's separation, I don't agred with your above advice.
> 
> Basically, what you are saying is for OP to put her self respect and dignity aside, and dutifully wait for her two timing, cheating husband to get in his senses and comes crawling back to her once he's done (if he gets to be done) with the other woman .
> 
> ...



Sorry as you do not agree with what I’m saying because you don’t understand what she’s going through as a person who went through the same exact thing I can only say what I feel and what I did I get you we should have self respect and but sometimes it’s much more than that we don’t see things that way I come from an old school relationship where having a family together is much more important than what happens in a relationship so as im trying to understand todays peoples way of living . And she seems to not want to divorce and wants him back so I can only say for her to give her self time you never know in the process she will enjoy living alone and want to divorce . And I say this only because I am going through same thing my husband cheated I was willing to forgive but in the process of me being alone I enjoyed it and now I’m the one who doesn’t want to be with him so it’s a process everyone does things differently and sorry you can’t see others peoples perspective on things .


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Lonely girl26 said:


> I can totally relate mine picks up the kids every or internet too and I do feel same things but as I say your going to have to be strong and pretend your okay the more you beg the more he thinks he is on this high pedestal and mine is also so nice actually does more for the kids now then before . And honestly Eventhoggh I still want my husband back I’ve learned to love being alone and enjoy my self .


You are so right! I’ve been doing some major self love. I’ve let myself go and finding me. Each day I’m feeling stronger.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> I hate this for you, but it really will get better. He simply does not deserve you. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is how marriage is supposed to be either.
> 
> Yes, it's a roller coaster, but you're gonna master it. You're going to be better without him!


I know I can! Each day is getting easier. I still have my teary moments but not as many and not as long. I called a lawyer today. I have a consultation tomorrow. I want to have all my ducks in a row.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Supermom- I understand. It is extremely painful. My H of marriage 22 years (dating total w/ marriage 28) left when I found text msgs of him trying to woo a 20 year old girl who works with him (he is 50, the old fool). I was so super shocked-- we never fought, we had fun together, best friends (or so I thought) were intimate regularly. It has been just over a month since I found out and about 2 weeks since he has been living separate. I didn't see it coming-not even a little. It was earth shattering.

I can't find an issue w/ our marriage in retrospect--but you know what--- all that doesn't matter in the big picture. If your H wants out (especially if there is another woman) there is no amount of reasoning, logic, begging, pleading, discussing, etc... that will change his mind. This only brings down your dignity and attractiveness level and pushes them away. Zero benefit to you. The only thing imo that you can do is to "give" him the breakup. Let him see what life looks like without you. Maybe it will be sooo great with ow--I doubt it. Amazing when ow becomes reality woman how things will probably change. 

I have tried to do my best to do no contact with H. We only text to discuss son or business and I keep it on topic. I try to not look upset/mad the best I can. Let them see (even if you are faking it) that you will be okay without them (don't overact though where it looks fake). This is imo your best chance for him to see the light. However----- if he does see the light you have to decide if you want to take him back after all of this. The struggle is real-- head vs heart. Trust has been broken. 

I get it though-- with all of my action steps (and I have taken many), my feelings have not gone away and I am praying that they do soon. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through-- you never think it will happen to you. Your whole life collapses, the future you thought you had looks different, the relationship you thought you had is ruined, your so called "best friend" is gone. I struggle-- still struggling but going through day by day. Do everything you can to protect you and your family, lean on friends, cry/rage but don't get "stuck" there. No need to decide if you will take him back as he isn't giving you that decision at this point. Try not to go too far ahead.

Sending you love and hugs and a peaceful heart. xo


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

thissucks7788 said:


> Supermom- I understand. It is extremely painful. My H of marriage 22 years (dating total w/ marriage 28) left when I found text msgs of him trying to woo a 20 year old girl who works with him (he is 50, the old fool). I was so super shocked-- we never fought, we had fun together, best friends (or so I thought) were intimate regularly. It has been just over a month since I found out and about 2 weeks since he has been living separate. I didn't see it coming-not even a little. It was earth shattering.
> 
> I can't find an issue w/ our marriage in retrospect--but you know what--- all that doesn't matter in the big picture. If your H wants out (especially if there is another woman) there is no amount of reasoning, logic, begging, pleading, discussing, etc... that will change his mind. This only brings down your dignity and attractiveness level and pushes them away. Zero benefit to you. The only thing imo that you can do is to "give" him the breakup. Let him see what life looks like without you. Maybe it will be sooo great with ow--I doubt it. Amazing when ow becomes reality woman how things will probably change.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your support. Sounds like we are exactly in my shoes. Good luck to you as well. I feel lucky to have found this chat for support! I’m fortunate I have great parents , a best friend , and co workers all there for me. This emotional roller coaster sucks.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Yes it really sucks and it happens to the best of us if your religious try doing some prayers on YouTube to calm you down . I am not as a religious as il like to be but deff feel like that helps me a lot .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Also you can always mssg me anytime I’m here .


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Ugg I hate having these thoughts of wanting him back. I know he is an idiot and should want the divorce, but I still have these racing thoughts in my head. I keep busy, keep a journal, pray, and have been working on myself. But the thoughts and emotions suck. I will have a moment of ugly cry 😭 than I'm fine. All these thoughts of what if... come up. Talking to a lawyer today (finally it kept getting pushed back) to get all my ducks in a row. Have a counseling appointment for next Tuesday. I think I'm doing all the right stuff. But I still want him back 🤦‍♀️.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If this marriage ends, it’s not a failure on your part at all. I wonder if spouses who stay way past the expiration date of bad marriages, do so because they feel like a failure if they don’t put up with a little more garbage...for just a little longer.

It’s hard to end because you’ve been together so long, but quality over quantity. Longevity in a relationship doesn’t mean much if you’re involved with a cheater, etc and he’s not a good father because good fathers make good examples for their children.

I hope you choose you.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> Ugg I hate having these thoughts of wanting him back. I know he is an idiot and should want the divorce, but I still have these racing thoughts in my head. I keep busy, keep a journal, pray, and have been working on myself. But the thoughts and emotions suck. I will have a moment of ugly cry 😭 than I'm fine. All these thoughts of what if... come up. Talking to a lawyer today (finally it kept getting pushed back) to get all my ducks in a row. Have a counseling appointment for next Tuesday. I think I'm doing all the right stuff. But I still want him back 🤦‍♀️.


It's so hard to turn off your feelings. It's like you know that they are huge douchebag's but you miss the relationship you _thought_ you had. I am just continuing to do the "right" things, check all of the boxes and pray that the emotions will soon follow. You are not alone. xo


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Supermom24 said:


> Ugg I hate having these thoughts of wanting him back. I know he is an idiot and should want the divorce, but I still have these racing thoughts in my head. I keep busy, keep a journal, pray, and have been working on myself. But the thoughts and emotions suck. I will have a moment of ugly cry 😭 than I'm fine. All these thoughts of what if... come up. Talking to a lawyer today (finally it kept getting pushed back) to get all my ducks in a row. Have a counseling appointment for next Tuesday. I think I'm doing all the right stuff. But I still want him back 🤦‍♀️.


Reframe it. You don't actually want him back. He's a cheater, and you don't want to be married to a cheater. You want the man you thought he was. But that man no longer exists, and that is what you are grieving. You are grieving and missing the man you thought he was and the life you thought you would have. They are gone. 

For me, I saw my ex as the man who murdered the man I loved. The man I loved was gone. He was as good as dead because he could never come back. And instead, there was this person who looked, sounded, and smelled like my husband. But he wasn't. He was somebody I did not know. He became a stranger. 

Anyway, I am glad you have a lawyer and I am glad you are getting counseling. Counseling was so helpful to cope with the roller coaster of emotions.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JLCP said:


> He is an addict. That means you are a codependent. You need to get counseling to understand how your codependency is influencing your decisions. This understanding is very important in order for you to recognize why you have made poor decisions and why you are considering making, in my opinion, the poor decision of staying with him. If you are able to understand codependency, I think it will become crystal clear what decisions you should make.


Him being an addict does not automatically make her codependent. This is a commonly believed fallacy. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

BlueWoman said:


> Reframe it. You don't actually want him back. He's a cheater, and you don't want to be married to a cheater. You want the man you thought he was. But that man no longer exists, and that is what you are grieving. You are grieving and missing the man you thought he was and the life you thought you would have. They are gone.
> 
> For me, I saw my ex as the man who murdered the man I loved. The man I loved was gone. He was as good as dead because he could never come back. And instead, there was this person who looked, sounded, and smelled like my husband. But he wasn't. He was somebody I did not know. He became a stranger.
> 
> Anyway, I am glad you have a lawyer and I am glad you are getting counseling. Counseling was so helpful to cope with the roller coaster of emotions.


I love how you compared it to you seeing your ex as the man who murdered the man that you loved. Its so true. I do, I want and miss the man I thought he was. 

Its so annoying, I still talk to him because we are still co parenting, and every morning he comes home to get my boys ready for school and takes them. So yesterday I asked if he knew where this baseball toy was that my youngest got for Xmas. When I got home he had it out and all put together. He never did that crap when we were married! It would literally take him months! What gives?


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Ok so I talked to the lawyer. I'm so annoyed. Because I make almost double of what he does. ( To his own fault, he lost a very good job because of his addiction and ended up with this crappy job). I would have to pay him about 600 for alimony and then child support would be about 750. so technically at the end he would only have to pay 150 a month 🤦‍♀️. I'm going to really push for the house though. A month ago he was pretty set on me having the kids. He would get every other weekend. Uggg! I guess I can claim though all the money he spent on the OW and make a deal of some sort. Has anyone ever had to negotiate about there house?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

If he's an addict, you should get the kids. Why would you have to pay him child support if you get full custody and he only has visitation? I'd consider a second opinion.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> If he's an addict, you should get the kids. Why would you have to pay him child support if you get full custody and he only has visitation? I'd consider a second opinion.


I pay alimony he pays the child support. They kind of cancel each other out so in the long wrong he would only pay 150 a month. Does that make sense?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

They can say he has the “potential to earn a higher wage” keep the proof (usually old tax returns) that show he IS capable of earning more and has earned it in the past.
Since it’s now his choice to earn less - the family shouldn’t be penalized because he has chosen to earn less.
OR take less now - and petition the court for higher money when he begins making the higher wage again.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

So we talked yesterday and we are going forward with a divorce. I know it’s for the best. I was able to hold my composure with him but when he left I ugly cried all night. We both were thinking about doing mediation. We are on the same page for most things. I was wondering if anyone has done this? Also has anyone ever kept the house but took out a loan/ refinanced to give the ex there share of the house money?


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

So sorry Supermom24. It feels so unfair that these scumbags cheat and they still get assets like part of the house etc... It's like once they break the marriage contract- they should have to forfeit the assets. As if you haven't been hurt enough by their actions. I am so sorry.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Just because a divorce is for the best doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's great that you at least didn't cry in front of him. Good for you. Take your small victories. 

Anything can be negotiated. You need to talk to your lawyer & financial advisor to get a handle on the viability of refinancing to keep the house. 

You also should talk to the lawyer about possibly hiring an employability expert to talk about your husband's earning potential to diminish the alimony.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Great advice. I'm at work and probably should of called off. I can't get my brain to stop thinking. and then the tears come down. The crazy thing is I'm not crying about the divorce per say, but all of the unknown. Like keeping the house, where would I live? How am I going to take care of my children? I added up all of my bills and I would be living paycheck to paycheck. I know I have my parents to help and support me, but still. I know these emotions are normal, but its so hard. I'm lucky that today is my scheduled counseling appointment. I'm a mess.😭


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Try to hold it together while you are at work. Things will work out. 

Address the things you can control. Maybe re-do the budget. You say you are going to live paycheck to paycheck. In the short term (6 months) that may be OK until you get your feet under you but you need a better long term strategy. 

Start reading budgeting blogs. Learn to cook cheaper things. Shop a different food store. I was shocked at how cheap things can be at Aldi & Walmart. Check out thrift stores for clothes. In high end neighborhoods you will be shocked at what you can find. I just scored a formal gown for an upcoming event for $8! Yea me! Shop for cheaper car insurance. Have a garage sale. Start a side hustle you can do from home. Be smarter about finding low & no cost things to do even for the kids. All that will keep you busy too.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Try to hold it together while you are at work. Things will work out.
> 
> Address the things you can control. Maybe re-do the budget. You say you are going to live paycheck to paycheck. In the short term (6 months) that may be OK until you get your feet under you but you need a better long term strategy.
> 
> Start reading budgeting blogs. Learn to cook cheaper things. Shop a different food store. I was shocked at how cheap things can be at Aldi & Walmart. Check out thrift stores for clothes. In high end neighborhoods you will be shocked at what you can find. I just scored a formal gown for an upcoming event for $8! Yea me! Shop for cheaper car insurance. Have a garage sale. Start a side hustle you can do from home. Be smarter about finding low & no cost things to do even for the kids. All that will keep you busy too.


Ya that's good advise. Sometimes I go to Target and they are so over priced for food. I normally go to Walmart but I should start going to Aldi, I always forget about that store. What's really eating my budget is the before and after school care. But my older son will start middle school in a year so I think that would cost down. I'm hoping to convince my mom to help the next year for some relief but we will see.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Supermom24 said:


> So we talked yesterday and we are going forward with a divorce. I know it’s for the best. I was able to hold my composure with him but when he left I ugly cried all night. We both were thinking about doing mediation. We are on the same page for most things. I was wondering if anyone has done this? Also has anyone ever kept the house but took out a loan/ refinanced to give the ex there share of the house money?


When I divorced I bought out my stbx equity in the house, I think that's a common thing to happen. As long as you meet income and credit criteria it's an easy process.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

So I found this quote and its perfect for me: " As I was fighting for you, I realized I was fighting to be lied to; fighting to be taken for granted; fighting to be disappointed; and fighting to be hurt again...so I stared fighting to let go." I went through the entire house and switched all photos that he was in. I felt so much stronger. I also started telling more people, and never felt so free. I realized I have so much support in my life. I keep hearing a lot "What an idiot." which helps. In this process I'm starting to find myself again. I lost "me" with the marriage and raising children. This has been the time I am discovering my passions and myself. I use to hate looking in the mirror and now I'm appreciating me again and realize I am beautiful and I am a great person who deserves so much more. SO empowering!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> So I found this quote and its perfect for me: " As I was fighting for you, I realized I was fighting to be lied to; fighting to be taken for granted; fighting to be disappointed; and fighting to be hurt again...so I stared fighting to let go." I went through the entire house and switched all photos that he was in. I felt so much stronger. I also started telling more people, and never felt so free. I realized I have so much support in my life. I keep hearing a lot "What an idiot." which helps. In this process I'm starting to find myself again. I lost "me" with the marriage and raising children. This has been the time I am discovering my passions and myself. I use to hate looking in the mirror and now I'm appreciating me again and realize I am beautiful and I am a great person who deserves so much more. SO empowering!


So glad to hear Supermom! I love that quote too- I'll have to remember that one. I also replaced the majority of his photos (kept some of his parents who passed away who I really liked even if he was in them) Great to hear that you are moving on and up. 

I have been doing better overall but I had a slide back last night and felt pretty crappy about it. I'm hoping to get on track again today. Please continue to tell us how you are doing-- I am always inspired when hearing these types of posts. All the best! xo


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

thissucks7788 said:


> So glad to hear Supermom! I love that quote too- I'll have to remember that one. I also replaced the majority of his photos (kept some of his parents who passed away who I really liked even if he was in them) Great to hear that you are moving on and up.
> 
> I have been doing better overall but I had a slide back last night and felt pretty crappy about it. I'm hoping to get on track again today. Please continue to tell us how you are doing-- I am always inspired when hearing these types of posts. All the best! xo


Thank you!! Its definitely has been a roller coaster! My friend that just finished her divorce ( I call her my divorce coach lol) told me to give myself grace ( a lot of it) that things will trigger us. This weekend was hard. The OW posted a picture of them together on her social media and he told me he is going on vacation to see her for 2 weeks. I may have shed a few tears, but not as much as I thought I would. I am definitely stronger and it is easier each day.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> Thank you!! Its definitely has been a roller coaster! My friend that just finished her divorce ( I call her my divorce coach lol) told me to give myself grace ( a lot of it) that things will trigger us. This weekend was hard. The OW posted a picture of them together on her social media and he told me he is going on vacation to see her for 2 weeks. I may have shed a few tears, but not as much as I thought I would. I am definitely stronger and it is easier each day.


Thank you that is helpful. I like your "divorce coach" lol. Sounds like a good friend to have. Not that it will necessarily matter/change your situation but it should be interesting to see how it goes with your H and this OW when they actually spend time together and you are not "in the way". Reality has a way of killing the fantasy. Again, makes no difference to your thing but I would think it would be satifsfying nonetheless. 

Keep up the good work!!


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

He's been cheating for years and you've stayed and tolerated it.



It is best to finally get a divorce and strictly co parent (if he wants to be involved).



This relationship has been over a long time ago.


Stop holding on to things and trying to force things that weren't meant to be.


Divorce and learn how to love yourself.



You don't love yourself, have self esteem, nor self respect.

You don't value yourself.
You don't know your worth.


If you did, you would have never tolerated such things, and overlooked and ignored the red flags.



They probably were smacking you in the face the entire relationship or most of it but you chose to ignore it.



Do better for yourself and children.


Give them a proper example to look up to.

Not a mum who doesn't love nor respect herself.


Get into therapy..it may be beneficial for you.


There's definitely nothing to save here.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Supermom, prepare for the moment the OW leaves the city again. 
He might come back with all sorts of excuses. 
Does he know that you are aware of her being here? 

And by the way: Of course he want's you to have the children. They will be in the way for his Affair. 
He is a selfish prick and you and your children didn't realise. You even compliment him on being a good father. 

A good father doesn't give up his children so easily. I know this, I am. And admittedly so, by a 17year old daughter and a 13year old boy in full swing puberty and a not-so-wordshy wife. 

And sooner than later he will start to miss out on children's appointments. 

Make two things clear - first he doesn't bring your children around the OW without telling you and your given consent. 
And make sure he can't bring them out of country. I don't know how this works in the US but here in Germany it is not an uncommon headline in the news. 

I know I am being harsh her, but I want you to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
But at this point I would recommend you take the raines and push for divorce for yourself. 
Do you live in a at-fault state? I might have missed this info. 
But nevertheless go and take the lead. 
Let him know that YOU will go through with it. 

And believe me, it will get better. Might be a time ahead but you will get better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Supermom24 said:


> Thank you!! Its definitely has been a roller coaster! My friend that just finished her divorce ( I call her my divorce coach lol) told me to give myself grace ( a lot of it) that things will trigger us. This weekend was hard. The OW posted a picture of them together on her social media and he told me he is going on vacation to see her for 2 weeks. I may have shed a few tears, but not as much as I thought I would. I am definitely stronger and it is easier each day.


Wait until she meets him in person.

Those hidden warts of his will soon loom large.

She may think he is her ticket out of her country.

He may end up being a stepping stone for this OW. Everyone has an agenda.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP has not posted in six months. This thread is being closed until @Supermom24 reaches out to moderators and has the thread re-opened. This is to stop the possibility of threadjacking, etc.


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