# Searching for Contentment



## worriedandmiserable (Jun 23, 2017)

It's been awhile since I posted here, and I can't honestly say that my marriage is any better than it was over a year ago. My husband lost his job last October and the job search since has been rigorous and disappointing, and of course, it has caused him a lot of stress. I try to give him grace, to be supportive and understanding.

The problem is that everything is always all about him. He is the most selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved human being I've ever known. I've been having discussions with him for years, trying to get him to understand how I feel and what I need. 

I don't think asking for appreciation, respect, affection, interest, consideration and common courtesy are unreasonable requests or things that are difficult to provide.

I became very upset with him few days ago over him walking out on me when I was trying to have a heart-felt conversation with him, trying to help him see that he's not trusting in God as he should. I wasn't being nagging or condescending but loving and caring. I was so hurt and angry after he walked out. I spent some time crying, getting as much of that pain out as I could, then I just shut down, not speaking to him the rest of the day or the next morning, aside from brief responses to things he said. And by the way, he never so much as _acknowledged_ his behavior, let alone apologized for it.

I went to a very dark place, where I unleashed my hurt, anger, and disappointment in a conversation with God. I told Him that I was done trying to make my marriage strong and healthy, that without effort from my husband, I simply didn't have it in me anymore. It was a very frightening and confusing place to be. I've prayed so hard, read books about Christian marriage, covered my husband in prayer, and asked God to change me, to help me be the wife He wants me to be and to be the wife my husband needs, all in the hopes that both of our hearts will be changed, softened, and we can heal our marriage.

I love my husband, but I know that I haven't been in love with him for a very long time. I desperately want to feel that for him and feel it from him again. During my fury, I pleaded with God to show me what He wants from me, and as the day went on, I was moved to write a letter to my husband. I poured it all onto paper, my whole heart. I told him that we didn't need to talk about anything I wrote unless he wanted to, and that the time for action had come. 

That was four days ago, and he's not mentioned the letter once, which is okay. But he's also not done a single thing towards real change. I've put my feelings aside and spoken to him with love and respect, but he just acts like everything is fine.

He almost never says my name. He kisses me when we part, but it's perfunctorily. He rarely shows me any sort of real affection, and sex is less than eight times a year at this point. When he wants to talk, it's never to have a collaborative conversation. He just wants to talk at me and expects me to just be stationary and listen until he's finished. He never inquires about anything relating to me. 

He treats me like my feelings are ridiculous and that my expectations are too high. He really believes that aside from the first 1-2 years of a marriage, being friends and roommates is the norm. He has no desire to change that or put any work into our relationship, even though he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I have always believed in the covenant of our Christian marriage and have always said I'd never divorce. I don't want to divorce. But how long can I be expected to live like this? Friend and roommate when things are at their best, housekeeper and nanny at their worst?

My husband is not a bad person, he just doesn't get it.

Our youngest child is almost six, and I'm at a place right now where I'm contemplating if I can hang in another thirteen years until she graduates from high school and goes off to college. Because I AM going to divorce him at that point unless he makes great strides between now and then. I know that seems insane, to plan a divorce that far in advance, but I don't want to break up my family and take my children from their dad. 

I don't know what else to do. I don't think he's capable of learning or changing, due to his selfishness. He wasn't like this when we first married. He was a wonderful husband. I've tried so hard to fix this marriage. I am so lost, so lonely, so disappointed, and so damned angry. I hate that my girls are growing up thinking this is a normal marriage. We don't fight, but we don't love, either. I want more for them, but I just don't want them to have to deal with a divorce at their young ages.

I am still praying to God to help me let go of the bitterness and resentment in my heart and to guide me to a place of contentment. My husband is not verbally or physically abusive, he's not an addict or alcoholic, he's not an adulterer. He's funny and takes care of the lawn and home repairs. He's smart with money and budgeting. He works hard (when he has a job), and has been tireless in his attempt to secure employment and be the provider. He has good qualities. I pray that God will help me accept this as the best it can be and to be okay with it. To find contentment and fulfillment and to stop planning a divorce, albeit in thirteen years.

I would love to hear from some of you on all this.


----------



## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

to be out of a job for 6 months is very hard. what are the prospects he'll find something soon?


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If I were in your place, I'd stop talking. Don't complain. Don't explain. Just stop.

Two books I recommend are:

Fascinating Womanhood

and

The Surrendered Wife

Your happiness and contentment are your responsibility - not your husband's. Please read the books and begin working on taking personal responsilbity for yourself. 

Stop focusing on him and his faults. Stop blaming him.

Take some time and work on you.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

If you really believe what you wrote. You won't string this poor guy along for 13 years. First off it isn't fair to your child. You shouldn't stick together for the kids. That is a load of crap. Your kids are observant, they will mimic you. Do you really want to condemn your child to the life you lead. Second off it isn't fair to you. If you love yourself, you owe it to yourself to pursue your own happiness. If you are so miserable being married to this guy, set yourself free. Thirdly you owe it to your H. You married him for some reason, I assume at some point you love him and probably still do. He also deserves a chance to find his own happiness. Apparently he has not found it with you. Nor you with him.
BUT before I made that decision, I would make one last effort to communicate all of this with him, involving a real qualified marriage counselor.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

worriedandmiserable said:


> I have always believed in the covenant of our Christian marriage and have always said I'd never divorce. I don't want to divorce.
> 
> My husband is not a bad person, he just doesn't get it.
> 
> ...


Two bible verses are richly instructive as to how to overcome discontent:

Psalms 77:3 (KJV)

_I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah._

Phillippians 4:8 (KJV)

_Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things._

We speak to others at an approximate rate of 150-200 words per minute. When we speak to ourselves, this rate is approximately 10 times higher.

In our human nature, we pray to God at the 150 word-per-minute rate.
Then, when we stand up from our knees, here we go again at 1500 words per minute. We are far more ready to believe what we have said to ourselves, than what God is speaking to us through His word and His Holy Spirit. 

Also, we forget to stop during our prayer, and listen. God there supplies
for us those "things that are lovely" that we can carry forward in to our continuing self-soliloquy.

I have the following suggestions for you:

Eliminate any, and all, thoughts regarding divorce. Now, 13 years from now, or 53 years from now. Thinking about divorce has an inherent and insidious lie inside it; that "I just can't live like this". This lie cannot have come from God, rather, it comes from the adversary.

The TRUTH is, you CAN. People have endured concentration camps, torture at enemy hands, and dreadly painful illnesses. It is for absolute certain that you CAN live with this man who you describe so complimentarily. Choose to think on this truth, rather than the component lie of divorce.

It sounds as if your judgement that your husband "just doesn't get it" is exactly correct. He has a "stronghold" within him which likely came from his family of origin. He is also likely to be living out an example portrayed by the most significant male person in his life.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Now there's a hallmark card if I ever heard one. "Happy anniversary. If people can endure concentration camps, you can endure your marriage too."


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children are usually upset by divorce no matter what their age so waiting until they're heading out the door rarely works. 

In the meantime they are observing your marriage. If they don't see a good marriage, they could decide that's "normal" and repeat the same pattern when they marry.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> People have endured concentration camps, torture at enemy hands, and dreadly painful illnesses. It is for absolute certain that you CAN live with this man who you describe so complimentarily. Choose to think on this truth, rather than the component lie of divorce.


I don't know if comparing a bad marriage to concentration camp survival is necessarily appropriate or relatable. OTOH, after reading about some of the awful marriages on TAM ...


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

worriedandmiserable said:


> He treats me like my feelings are ridiculous and that my expectations are too high. He really believes that aside from the first 1-2 years of a marriage, being friends and roommates is the norm. *He has no desire to change* that or put any work into our relationship, even though he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
> 
> I have always believed in the covenant of our Christian marriage and have always said I'd never divorce. I don't want to divorce. But how long can I be expected to live like this? *Friend and roommate when things are at their best, housekeeper and nanny at their worst?*


Okay, I know you are familiar with the Bible specifically addressing how husbands and wives are to treat one another. And this is NOT how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. So if you don't "believe" in divorce, and your husband refuses to recognize he has any problems, then you are going to have to go about living your life the best you can.

I wouldn't suggest you merely "survive" but I think it would behoove you to learn to enjoy your life in spite of him. That means developing hobbies and friendships that are fulfilling to you. I assume you have a sexless marriage. Again, the Bible does not say anywhere that a marriage should be sexless. Perhaps you should address this with your pastor, if you have one. 

And, no, marriage should in no way, shape, or form be compared to a concentration camp, lunatic asylum, or living hell. If you are really, truly miserable and unfulfilled, but wish to remain married, chew on the suggestions I made. Can't hurt ....


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

worriedandmiserable said:


> My husband is not a bad person, he just doesn't get it.


I think he gets it just fine. He simply is unable or unwilling to change. 

You have some choices to make.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

worriedandmiserable my take is leave god out of your thinking and planning. What I see here are 2 people that are hurting and at least one person isn't willing to see what the relationship looks like from the other person's eyes/mind.

You have a person to person problem and not a religion problem. Here is a place to start to try to understand each other.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Is his behavior... detaching / stress/ all about him... does all of this stem from him not finding work... or what other issues have brought on him changing after the 1st 2 yrs of your marriage.. was he working steadily then...when you started to feel like "roommates"?

Does your husband also go to church.. or is there a divide here religiously? 

What are your contentions...basically the roots that started you down this path??


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, do you have a job? If you are going to divorce your husband, don't wait for thirteen years. You are not doing your family a favor. You can't hide your feelings for these many years. It seems that your husband & you do not share the same intensity in your religion, if he is a Christian. He seemed to tuned you out when you go to the religion tangent. His attitude could be related to stress in not having a job.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once a person has a mindset of divorcing, their marriage is doomed.

I am not in your situation and therefore don’t know if your feelings are justified, or not.

You sound like you’re set on divorce.

I will say this: there are other men, and they all come with their own problems. You might find one with few, you may find one with lots worse. You may be to the point you’re fed up with men.

My only suggestion is to tell him you’re going to marriage counseling, or tell him to sign the papers you’ve had drawn up.

Don’t give options. Make divorce real for him.
Make luring you real for him.

If he straightens up, make the changes stick.
But you are going to have to be the one solely responsible for not being overbearing, uncaring about his desires, his needs. 

He sounds like a person that has forgotten what it means to court one’s wife.
Forgotten that women have other needs than physical stuff.

Or, he may just be a dud. But he’s yours.

Don’t give up. Don’t give options though. If he makes no attempt to address your letter, I think that shows some apathy.

Apathy is a legitimate deal breaker in any relationship.

Good luck


----------

