# Am I being reasonable? I'm just DONE



## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

Married 15 years two kids 9 and 5 after years of infertility. I was insecure and desperate to be married and have kids and had never had a relationship really when I met him. He seemed nice and he still is, to others, that aren't family. That almost makes it worse. He treats strangers so much better than his own family... I can't take it any more. He's employed and hasn't cheated and hasn't physically abused me. He helps some around the house. But he is so, so selfish, and lazy and resistant to almost anything I ask him to do. He does not treat me with kindness and the constant daily criticism is hard to take. He doesn't hold to agreements or apologize when he's dented the truck roof or broken the sideview mirror off the car or broken the lampshade or got wasted on our daughters first Christmas and laid in the bathroom the whole night. He can't admit he's wrong ever. Once he was convinced that my sons test question was just flat wrong. He said he was going to call the state board of education and tell them that it was wrong. It's a state test. Argue that it's not a great question but to not admit that you were wrong is well, I just don't get it. The latest is he bailed on his uncles funeral to go to a tennis match. His mom has been going over weekly to her brothers to be with him for the last 2 years. I said he should go to support her. He didn't. He did that same thing when I was pregnant. Left me at the hospital on IV. He was nice enough to leave me the car, but seriously, who leaves their 39 week pregnant wife at the hospital alone? I work more than he does and still do way more at home. He watches TV until 2 AM most nights or goes out to hang out at the bar. Am I being unreasonable? Do all spouses screw their spouses over like this? I don't love him, or even like him at this point and I'm tortured that this is going to totally screw up my kids. Not seeing them every day will eat a whole in my heart. What do I do?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lari said:


> He seemed nice and he still is, to others, that aren't family. That almost makes it worse. He treats strangers so much better than his own family.


Look up narcissist or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if it describes him well.

Being nice to other people is probably a front and probably for image management. 

Has he ever done anything for you or anyone else that wasn't of direct benefit to him in some way?

He sounds like a jerk.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NO of course all spouses don't act that way. He sounds very selfish and irresponsible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He does not sound like a keeper.

Your children will adjust to a divorce. If you stay with him, you are teaching your children some pretty bad lessons. For example you are teaching them that this is how men treat their wife and children. You are teaching them that this is all that they can expect. And you are teaching them that you are a doormat and he has all the power in the relationship.

Your son (if you have one) will probably grow up to be like his father. Your daughter will probably grow up and marry a man like her father.

If you leave him, you will be teaching your children that this is not what marriage and family are supposed to be like. And you will be teaching them that you are a strong woman who will not allow herself to be mistreated.

Yes, it's hard to not see them every day. But from your describe, he probably won't want to have them much of the time. It would interfere with his going out all the time. And, he'll have to do a lot of things like cook, housework, child care, etc.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

To say he has to go means he is here.
He is not here.

On second thought, the bad half is with you.
The good half is in the mirror.

Break the mirror.....
He will disappear.

.................................................................

Not a man, not a husband.
He's a drinking companion.

A man in a bottle, looking out.
He is a mere reflection in your' eyes.

A reflection smelling of hops.

Another of depression, in a hole, never to escape.
Except by reflecting out.



The Typist I -


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children are observing the dynamic between you and your husband. They will likely repeat it since it's what they know. If you don't want that to happen then you need to make changes.


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## lari (Jun 30, 2018)

I just wanted to make sure I'm making the right decision. I know it's best for me, but the kids are all that matter to me and I want to do whats right for them in the long run. They will be crushed. They love their dad and being shuttled between two homes will suck, but you are right. I don't want either of them to end in a marriage like ours. I need to figure out next steps. I'm such a sobbing mess all the time lately.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Chances are..... he won't actually be banging down the door to get the kids. It's sad for the kids....but its how it is already anyway. He may bluster about his "rights" and his kids and visitation....but that might fade as time goes on. 
(I mean, he may come around and be a good dad....but may not.)

My ex was soooooooo neglectful of the kids and I that we didn't even know he was gone when he left....took me three days to figure it out and call him on it! He blustered about "taking his boys"....what a joke. He was pretty sad that they didn't call him or miss him.... but he was never there for them when he was there! Now they are all grown and have a fair relationship with him....not real close or loving, but friendly and respectful. And I ended up with a husband who is an awesome role model for them in sooooooooo many ways. Especially showing them how a marriage SHOULD look, and how a father SHOULD behave! 

Sooooooooo....don't stay for the kids. Escape for the kids!


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