# Vanilla sex



## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

In a long-term relationship, what do you consider vanilla sex, and therefore, boring? As a husband, what type of intimacy with your wife keeps you anticipating and wanting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

To me, Vanilla sex can be two things... the standard Missionary, On Top, or Doggy. Or what ever sex two people have had as a "standard".

I dont see Vanilla as "Boring", but as "the usual"

What keeps the anticipation for me as a husband? The opportunity of connecting emotionaly


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Only in the bed no frills/toys but both enjoying it... Maintenance sex is hurry up and get it done.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I take offense at the use of vanilla to equate with boring.


So kind of you to come to my defense...
but I'm afraid it's true. 

It's probably because I'm somewhat desensitized. 
There is no 'better' or 'worse' sex for me, everything
feels pretty much the same with very minor or marginal differences. So if it always feels the same anyways, why bother doing anything different?



librarydragon said:


> As a husband, what type of intimacy with your wife keeps you anticipating and wanting?


You got me there. Sex has never been that important to me, so if it's not all that important to begin with, then there's little to want.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

'Vanilla'....ummm...unless my eyesight is failing me, vanilla pods are a very dark brown, almost black.

Just saying.....!!


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Honestly in a marriage I don't think the term "vanilla sex" should be used..... It is so offensive, if your having boring sex then chances are you are part of the problem(in general not directed at one person) In my opinion after seeing so many post and threads on here people get hung up on their own selfish needs and wants....If ya'll are both being selfless and truly making love to each other there really shouldn't be boring sex. I just think people look at it and go about it all wrong. Having sex with your spouse shouldnt have to be a porno which is another reason pornos bother me...They pertray what sex should be like and when people watch it they are like oh well our sex must suck cause we aren't doing those things..... (sorry rant over lol)

Learn to be thankful for what you have if you dont like it be the one to lead and change it....You technically don't need more to be thankful


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

To answer your question and keep off of ranting .. Boring to me would mean having to do the same routine every time. I find my husband likes it when I come into the room with sexy underwear on and a cheesy grin. But I do that once in a blue moon..

The key is......you don't want to overuse something because then it becomes the norm.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Vanilla is missionary, no sexy lingerie, some lite oral or a hj just to get him hard. A woman who finds doggy to be demeaning cuz it um makes her feel like a "dog"


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

GhostRydr said:


> Vanilla is missionary, no sexy lingerie, some lite oral or a hj just to get him hard. A woman who finds doggy to be demeaning cuz it um makes her feel like a "dog"


I guess "vanilla" is a matter of perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

librarydragon said:


> In a long-term relationship, what do you consider vanilla sex, and therefore, boring? As a husband, what type of intimacy with your wife keeps you anticipating and wanting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since my wife only permits vanilla a few times a year I think I'm qualified to answer this:

Boring means same thing over and over. Sex was meant to be be the full combination of two people's mind body and spirit. It was meant to be engaged in with our minds and fantasy, not simply a biological act. That said, vanilla does have it's place. I wouldn't want to eat lobster and steak every night for dinner. But variety, including vanilla, is good. 

For us, my wife sets the standards on what vanilla is, missionary, and not for too long.

What type of intimacy keeps me anticipating and wanting? 
- Her wearing lingerie, especially stockings, outside the bedroom.
- Her telling me she was thinking about me that way.
- Unexpected touches in non-sexual situations
- When we go to do the deed her asking me what I want to do and then doing it.
- Sexy texts with and without pics throughout the day. 
- Her telling me she needs me, both sexually and not.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Going back to the OP’s original question:



librarydragon said:


> In a long-term relationship, what do you consider vanilla sex, and therefore, boring?


I don't think I can answer you. There isn’t anything I consider boring. I feel astonishingly lucky. I get to have sex every now and then with the woman I love. What more could I ask for? 

We’ve had the same kind of sex for years. Missionary or variations on missionary, sideways, her on top... and that’s it. I don’t have a want anything else. Now, many people might consider this boring, but I don’t understand those people - and I’m trying so very, very, hard to understand them - but I’m failing. I don’t ‘get’ it. How does a person ‘create’ desire for other sexual options - when they’ve never had a desire for them? 



committed_guy said:


> Sex was meant to be be the full combination of two people's mind body and spirit.


This is why I'm so confused, because it's exactly what I feel I have already. How am I supposed to top that? =(


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

MrVanilla, people are just different. No explaining it! If you're happy, and your wife is happy, no worries and no comparisons needed!


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Is that what they mean by "same sex marriage", that you keep having the same sex for years? 

Seriously, though, my biggest issue is with "duty sex" whereby wife wife would, through her lack of enthusiasm and her body language, basically be telling me "OK, pull out your d*ck, slather some lube on it, and let's get this over with", while she just lays there and looks at her watch. To me that is much worse than "vanilla sex".


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Personally, I prefer my sex with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and a cherry on top. 

What I consider to be vanilla sex is what I like to call the three-and-out, like in football. We may both be able to climax, but there's no tension beforehand, no passion during, and no intimacy afterwards.

It's not that difficult to fix. All you need to do is be willing to change things a little bit, or find a way to increase your sexual tension through extra flirting beforehand.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

keeper63 said:


> Seriously, though, my biggest issue is with "duty sex" whereby wife wife would, through her lack of enthusiasm and her body language, basically be telling me "OK, pull out your d*ck, slather some lube on it, and let's get this over with", while she just lays there and looks at her watch.


Seriously? She looks at her watch during sex? Does she have a meeting at the Governor's mansion that she has to keep?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

GhostRydr said:


> Vanilla is missionary, no sexy lingerie, some lite oral or a hj just to get him hard. A woman who finds doggy to be demeaning cuz it um makes her feel like a "dog"


Eveything you said is geared towards your pleasure. Why is that? I think you may have boring sex because you expect too much from her and nothing from yourself - you want her to perform for you like she owes you. If that is so, I dont understand why you think that. Is there anything that fulfills her needs that you are not doing? She needs different things than you to feel enthusiastic about sex. 

She may need to resolve conflict, feel your attension at times other than when you want sex, feel that you value her as a person outside of the sex she provides, that you are as concerned about her pleasure as much as your own. Is there anything you might be doing to turn her off? Perhaps you think these things should not effect your sex life but just as you like doggie style so you can see, she likes to feel appreciated and important to you in the way she needs to feel it. 

Have you ever considered that you are responsible for the boredom? Have you ever given any consideration to your wife satisfaction with sex? Perhaps she is giving as much pleasure as she is receiving. Do you think that is fair or no? Have you explored way of injecting excitement into sex that woukd bring pleasure to you both? I think if your idea of excitementn is her performing acts you see in porn then you are on the wrong track. Porn is fantasy and geared towards male pleasure. 

Many of the positions on demand these days are geared towards male pleasure, doggie, on top, cowgirl, he can see but what does she feel? If she gets as much pleasure in these positions as you, then it is win win. But if she feels it is not something she wants then why insist upon it? Its you win she loses. 

That ok if you think you are entitled to pleasure and she is required to provide it. But that is not what most women feel so naturally they will not do it. It is human nature, don't you think? You never get something for nothing. 

I'd say stop using porn to guide your expectations and reconnect to the woman you're are making love to. Studies show that men who use porn are sexualy dissatisfied. They are disconnected from their partner, and unrealistic expectations. 

When they stop, they concentrate on their partner and are more satisfied. Have your read any books on sexuality and the needs of men and women? Have you explored how often she is satisfied with sex? If she does not get what she needs is it reasonable to expect her to give you more? 

Be with her and really make sex about the two of you. I am certain when she feels that your focus is on her pleasure as well as yours, she may become more adventurous. She may feel the impersonal nature of porn sex. Missionary for many women offers a comforting full body contact, the ability to look into the mans eyes and to caress him. It feels intimate and connected. In doggie her vj and azz is the only contact points. She may feel reduced to her parts and like she is being used not loved. 

For many women missionary is their favorite position because it meets their needs. If it boring for you, then you sho it I am sure. That does nothing for meeting her needs. Can you expect her to prance around in her underwire for you when you are bored meeting her needs. feel like you are thinking of imposing on her the expectation ofof a porn performence. That is a lot of fun for your but what about her?

I am speculating so this may not apply to you. But you do have a role in the boredom so I don't think you can expect her to work for you. Be realistic, you both need to work for each other as in all marital problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

committed_guy said:


> Since my wife only permits vanilla a few times a year I think I'm qualified to answer this:
> 
> Boring means same thing over and over. Sex was meant to be be the full combination of two people's mind body and spirit. It was meant to be engaged in with our minds and fantasy, not simply a biological act. That said, vanilla does have it's place. I wouldn't want to eat lobster and steak every night for dinner. But variety, including vanilla, is good.
> 
> ...


Why does she need to do all the work for you? Is that mutually enjoyable sex for you? For me, this is boring sex, i don't feel responsible for a mans pleasure. I not into doing service. I do enjoy mutually satisfying sex, that gets me excited. 

It does not sound as if your wife is getting anything out of your expectations. Do you expect her to do these things out of a show of love for you? Do you think that showing you love should be enough to make her happy? 

That would be nice if she had no needs and expectations herself but that is unlikely, no? . Try listing the things that you are doing to keep her anticipating. If your list is short or nonexistent then be happy with what you have, you are getting what you give. That is fair right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> It does not sound as if your wife is getting anything out of your expectations. Do you expect her to do these things out of a show of love for you? Do you think that showing you love should be enough to make her happy?


No, it makes me happy when she meets my wants.



Catherine602 said:


> That would be nice if she had no needs and expectations herself but that is unlikely, no? . Try listing the things that you are doing to keep her anticipating. If your list is short or nonexistent then be happy with what you have, you are getting what you give. That is fair right?


But the question was to husbands by the OP. I would do ANYTHING to make my wife satisfied in bed, and I have. I've gone down on my wife for years when she wasn't willing to reciprocate because I love it when she is satisfied. I've worn the stupid condom even though I hate it. I've never pressured her to have sex when she didn't want to. 

The question wasn't how to make your wife satisfied, the question was what I want to keep my anticipation going.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Some of the best sex I've ever had was with vanilla girls. See my utter sexless marriage has me longing for the lovely ladies of the past. Sigh..


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

committed_guy said:


> No, it makes me happy when she meets my wants.
> 
> 
> But the question was to husbands by the OP. I would do ANYTHING to make my wife satisfied in bed, and I have. I've gone down on my wife for years when she wasn't willing to reciprocate because I love it when she is satisfied. I've worn the stupid condom even though I hate it. I've never pressured her to have sex when she didn't want to.
> ...


I stand corrected. The first sentence of the post and the forum section, sex in marriage, gave me to believe that it was directed at men and women. I guess I am anxious to hear from women since it is so obvious what men want. It is so often stated that I could probably answer this post myself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I stand corrected.


Considering your always thoughtful and considerate posts, and that I was raised to be a gentleman - and that I may be one of the few men left that would rather not have a porn-star wife...

*gets up, brushes off seat*

Please, take my seat, and I'll stand corrected.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mr V you are funny. Are you real or related in anyway to That_Girl's Tumor who post occasionally?? .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Mr V you are funny. Are you real or related in anyway to That_Girl's Tumor who post occasionally?? .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can assure you, if I found out that anyone here knows me, or is related to me... my undertaker would be apologizing for months for not being able to remove the red from my face. 

_*apologies for the derail* _


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Im ok with vanilla sex sometimes as long as it doesn't become permanent. 
Vanilla sex is different for everyone. for me its generally she doesn't get aroused and a couple of positions. she's just a warm body. 
I crave her being as into the sex as me even if its just a couple of positions i love that. i love when she's aroused. that's the intimacy i crave and need with her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

committed_guy said:


> No, it makes me happy when she meets my wants.
> 
> 
> But the question was to husbands by the OP. I would do ANYTHING to make my wife satisfied in bed, and I have. I've gone down on my wife for years when she wasn't willing to reciprocate because I love it when she is satisfied. I've worn the stupid condom even though I hate it. I've never pressured her to have sex when she didn't want to.
> ...


Committed - I thought about this and I'd like to add from the standpoint of one woman. I suspect that there are other woman who may be like me. 

Many women lose the desire to have sex in a relationship where there is tension and unresolved problems. 

You may not be able to talk her out of this feeling because it is as basic to her nature as a women as the need for sex is basic to your male nature. 

I don't think having a sit down about your needs for sex will help. Put yourself in her shoes and think.

If there are some things that you genuinely know are creating tension and they reasonable, change them. Don't give flowers or do more than your fair share of chores. She will think that you are doing it to get sex. 

Don't do things that will increase your resentment just what you really feel are changes that you honestly need to make. 

I am probably going to get angry posts about it "always being the man's fault". I think the resentment of women being woman is at the seat of these sentiments and may be the reason for their problems. 

I realize that you are only at fault for some of the problems and she is responsible for the rest, including not meeting your sexual needs. But you are here she is not.

Maybe become the man you were while dating. Confident, independent, looking good like you are dating.


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## alex2 (Apr 8, 2012)

I find toys do help. U can start simple and move to more advamced over time. Games are also good, you explore lots of things. I like endurnz as a sex supplement, it makes a difference. Do more romantic thimgs out side of hlme, walks, movies,etc


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

I don't care for the definition that "vanilla" equals "boring." Vanilla means non-kinky. That doesn't mean it's boring! I have had some pretty dang great "vanilla" sex. I've also had some pretty dang great NON-vanilla sex. 

So...what is your question? What is vanilla sex? Or what is boring sex? Because they are not the same thing. I've already defined "vanilla sex" as non-kinky. BORING sex would be sex that never varied, didn't excite me or didn't leave me wanting me more, more, more of the same. You can have KINKY sex that is still boring if it never changes or simply doesn't excite you...so does that make it "vanilla"?


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Sorry to drop the question and run...family camping this past weekend 

I'm asking the question following a conversation with a friend. She and her husband clearly have a troubled marriage, with infidelity on both sides (apparently). After her most recent indiscretion (which, again, is apparently worse than his own), he commented that he wants them to stay together, but if she moves back home, it's with the understanding that she's agreeing to "freaky sex" in the bedroom. It rubbed me the wrong way, and started me to thinking...

And, for the record, I, too, am of the vanilla variety.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

3leafclover said:


> :iagree: I dunno if I'm just imagining it, but it seems like the meaning of "vanilla" has changed a lot in the last several years. Most people use it to describe whatever type of sex they consider to be boring, which is extremely relative.
> 
> In my circles, vanilla means no fetish or BDSM involved. That leaves a whole lot of vanilla sexual activities that are conventional or more mainstream.



Ah-ha!! This whole thing got me to thinking about the average couple's idea of "vanilla" versus " freaky."

In my own marriage, admittedly, we have something of a routine, but in reading the many posts of sexless marriages, we seem fairly adventurous. I enjoy giving my husband pleasure with oral, start to finish, several times a month; I'll finish him with oral after I've had an orgasm thru intercourse; we have anal once or twice a month, and the rest is a mix of the usual tried and true positions. I don't feel like we're "freaky," but I sure hope we're not "vanilla" (aka boring). At the same time, after many years together, I wonder if there's anything else that I could do for my husband sexually (short of threesomes, whips 'n chains, etc) that would give him the "wow" once in a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

librarydragon said:


> Sorry to drop the question and run...family camping this past weekend
> 
> I'm asking the question following a conversation with a friend. She and her husband clearly have a troubled marriage, with infidelity on both sides (apparently). After her most recent indiscretion (which, again, is apparently worse than his own), he commented that he wants them to stay together, but if she moves back home, it's with the understanding that she's agreeing to "freaky sex" in the bedroom. It rubbed me the wrong way, and started me to thinking...
> 
> ...


Given the context this is a really bad idea. There is so much rebuilding of trust that needs to go on there. True enjoyment of sex can only happen when both trust and love each other. They need good marriage counseling, not spice in the bedroom.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

There's something about the whole thing that just makes me sad...about the state of their marriage, but also that it's not likely unique.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

committed_guy said:


> At the same time, after many years together, I wonder if there's anything else that I could do for my husband sexually (short of threesomes, whips 'n chains, etc) that would give him the "wow" once in a while.


He's living a freaking dream, what more does he need?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

To me, vanilla sex means routine position sex... and I'm okay with vanilla sex as long as my wife is also enjoying it.

The worst sex is the kind when your wife isn't really in the mood but lets you "put it in" anyway.... As much as that kind of loving generosity is so appreciated, NOTHING comes close to feeling as good as when your wife really wants/desires you to be inside her.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

LMFAO on the taking an offense as a white person. Too Funny.


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## ncgirl (Jun 21, 2012)

Mr_brown said:


> Only in the bed no frills/toys but both enjoying it... Maintenance sex is hurry up and get it done.


I have never heard it called Maintenance sex before. I am glad to finally have a name for it. My husband and I have, for the last eleven years, had only maintenance sex. There was never any love making, foreplay or romance, just straight get to it. The sex would last about two minutes and then he would go to sleep. He refused to talk about sex with me and has an ego the size of Texas. He thinks he is the greatest lover in the world.
Thank-you for giving me the name.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> To me, Vanilla sex can be two things... the standard Missionary, On Top, or Doggy. Or what ever sex two people have had as a "standard".
> 
> I dont see Vanilla as "Boring", but as "the usual
> 
> What keeps the anticipation for me as a husband? The opportunity of connecting emotionaly


Exactly. our sex was always really vanilla (maybe we used 3 positions in 40 years and no oral for about the same time frame).
But it was never boring.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So what's rocky road? Sex on all fours in the driveway?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

librarydragon said:


> In a long-term relationship, what do you consider vanilla sex, and therefore, boring? As a husband, what type of intimacy with your wife keeps you anticipating and wanting?


My husband would have been happy with 2 position "lovemaking" till he hit dirt...it was me who 1st suggested doggie...and a few other positions we have tried. It is all about the emotional connection for him........we both anticipate our nights & mornings off together...craving the shared intimacy... we are still loving those orgasms, addicting it what it is . That is our icing in the bedroom. Neither of us has ever grown bored with this... it is very fullfilling. 

Doesn't mean we shouldn't try new & exciting things, just that it isn't necessary to hold our wanting to "do" each other.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

ncgirl said:


> I have never heard it called Maintenance sex before. I am glad to finally have a name for it. My husband and I have, for the last eleven years, had only maintenance sex. There was never any love making, foreplay or romance, just straight get to it. The sex would last about two minutes and then he would go to sleep. He refused to talk about sex with me and has an ego the size of Texas. He thinks he is the greatest lover in the world.
> Thank-you for giving me the name.


That sounds more like... And I quote Athol! He hates me with his pen-is sex!


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## ncgirl (Jun 21, 2012)

Mr_brown said:


> That sounds more like... And I quote Athol! He hates me with his pen-is sex!


Sounds about right.
He is an over the road truck driver (o/o) and we don't see each other very often, once every six weeks or so. You would think he would be gang busters for sex, but he isn't. He rarely touches me and when it does, it is over before I knew we started.
I shower, not heavy set, but curvy and keep my appearance neat.
He just hates me with his pen-is!


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## oubliette (Jun 24, 2012)

I define vanilla as "regular" sex. Meaning no fetishes, and primarily no BDSM (like another poster says.) 

It is no more boring because it is vanilla than ice cream is boring because it is vanilla. In fact, vanilla is the *best* vehicle for appreciating high quality ingredients.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Many of the positions on demand these days are geared towards male pleasure, doggie, on top, cowgirl*

Without sounding crass.... these positions are VERY pleasurable for a woman. Doggie introduces another angle, and more depth. On top, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl....all give WOMEN the power to move how they want, when they want, etc.... I was trying to think of a position that isn't really female friendly, and the only one I can come up with is missionary. There is the eye contact part, but many other positions put the woman in control. 

I think (from a woman's POV) that what men want... is *ENTHUSIASM!!!!* They want us to WANT them. I mean really, how bad can a bj be? How awful can you fOck if you are going at it enthusiatically????


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I've never been "bored" but I can imagine the same exact "way"(one positon too not just missionary any "one" position) the same exact time of day in the same room(in the saem exact spot) woudl get "boring".Also for me..TOO much sex even with variety desenstiizes me somewhat(eventually anyway) and takes away from the exileraton ..and the sensations...and the "renewal" feeling of it..I need to anticipate/long for a little while(in my mind and my body) to have the "spark"(enthusiam REAL enthusiam that I like to feel) when it happpens..but thats just me.

Dallas


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