# need help saving my marriage



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

17 years married and we are at a very low point. She says she loves me but we do not communicate. Neglect is a word that was used. I love her very much and don't want to lose her. What can I do?


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Read 5 Love Languages asap


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

can someone please offer some advice. I am new to posting in a forum


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, you gave very little info on what your issues are. No one can really give you much insight on what their opinions are unless you give us more info on what's going on. She said you neglected her. Based on what I know, all I can say is pay more attention to her. Does that help? Probably not, but it's all I can offer based on what I know.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

bob71 said:


> 17 years married and we are at a very low point. *She says she loves me but we do not communicate*. Neglect is a word that was used. I love her very much and don't want to lose her. What can I do?


She probably means that she can't get a sense of your personality or who you really are. Compare a cat and a dog and you'll see what I mean. A dog has personality. It wants things, it expresses emotions, and it interacts with people. The dog has its own desires - it will try to interact with other dogs even when you don't want it to. A cat has no personality and acts depressed all the time. Cats don't seem to have clear objectives or emotions - they don't want to ride in the car, they don't want to run with you, they don't want to sit next to you. Do you find yourself acting more like a dog or like a cat? Nobody likes cats. Even cats don't like other cats.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

bob71 said:


> can someone please offer some advice. I am new to posting in a forum


Bob, Relax, your welcome here. A bit more info on your situation would bring more responses.

dormant did give you good advice. Get and read "The Five Love Langages" by Dr Chapman

Here's a link, take the quiz too

Home - The 5 Love Languages®

How many hours do you spend together, per week?


----------



## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Have you tried asking her what she is missing from the relationship and what you can do to fill the void?


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

thank you all for the responses. Like I said before this is my first time here. The root of the problem seems to be a lack of identity for my wife. She has been a stay at home mom for the past ten years. For the past year we seem to have hit a very deep rut. Everyday is the same, same chores, same trip to the shopping center, same time to make dinner, etc... She appears to be very bored with life in general. When I try to make suggestions they come back with a snyed remark about how its not me that can fix her. 

I currently work three different jobs and am aout of the house much more than she is. She never or rarely has opportunities to herself. In retrospect I guess I really should have made more time available for her to have her own time. 

We have been down this road before with promises of change but after the first few weeks of bliss either I get complacent or the steering wheel gets turned back into the rut. I want to change I want that spark again that brought us together in the first place.

She says she needs time. I wish I were the type of guy that is patient but i'm not. I have an uncontrollable urge to settle issues immediately. We had a blow up yesterday and she left for a little while. 
I need to give space but i'm afraid if I give too much then she will slip away. 

Not sure what to do. I have no one to talk to


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Try reading 'The 5 Love Languages' and 'His Needs, Her Needs' they are easy reads. There you can see how your behaviors are damaging your marriage and how to fix them. Your putting her in a position where she may find someone else to give her what she needs. Do you want that? She is very vulnerable now and she's telling you so. It's a must that you both spend 15 hours a week together, with out distractions, to bond. If you want a chance to save your marriage I suggest you read these book ASAP. There on kindle, get them. Good luck.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

bob71 said:


> thank you all for the responses. Like I said before this is my first time here. The root of the problem seems to be a lack of identity for my wife. She has been a stay at home mom for the past ten years. For the past year we seem to have hit a very deep rut. Everyday is the same, same chores, same trip to the shopping center, same time to make dinner, etc... She appears to be very bored with life in general. When I try to make suggestions they come back with a snyed remark about how its not me that can fix her.
> 
> I currently work three different jobs and am aout of the house much more than she is. She never or rarely has opportunities to herself. In retrospect I guess I really should have made more time available for her to have her own time.
> 
> ...


What exactly happens or what do you do during "the first few weeks of bliss?"

What exactly does she want from you? Your undivided attention? Watch the children so she has time for herself?

She also may be suffering from depression. If so, you can't fix that; she will need to see a doctor.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Two things 

NO MORE ANGRY OUTBURST 

Check if she has contact with any other men. Discretely.


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

what she keeps saying is that she needs to focus on her right now.


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

i looked at the 5 languages and took the self assessment. It seems that i am personal touch. Great! the on thing that i really desire she wants nothing to do with. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Cant eat or sleep. I am spending all my time around the kids.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Read the book!

Whats her language?

Speak her language!

Entiende usted Inglés?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

bob71 said:


> i looked at the 5 languages and took the self assessment. It seems that i am personal touch. Great! the on thing that i really desire she wants nothing to do with. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Cant eat or sleep. I am spending all my time around the kids.


1. So you know what YOU want, but what does SHE want?

2. If you're gone at 3 jobs and she's a stay-at-home person, she has all the freedom she could want... unless you put restrictions her. What is the story here?

3. If you answered the other question about what happens in the first weeks before you get complacent about changing, it might help people give you better answers.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

bob71 said:


> what she keeps saying is that she needs to focus on her right now.


hmmmm.....you said she said that you neglect her......

So you are not to neglect her while she focuses on herself?


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I think she has lost her identity as a woman. She is just a mom/caretaker of the family, probably you included. What have you done to date your wife? She needs to be treated like a woman, not a mom. I can totally relate. Felt this way for years. What does she want from life? How did you treat her differently before kids?

You leave work and come home. You separate from your work. Her's is 24/7. sounds like she needs something out of the house. Could she do a part-time job? That saved my sanity. I also insisted that my husband started dating me again. I wanted to feel loved/desired for me, not me being a mom and taking care of the house and kids.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by bob71 *what she keeps saying is that she needs to focus on her right now.
> 
> The root of the problem seems to be a lack of identity for my wife.
> She appears to be very bored with life in general


.


Bob
Based on her repeated statements, she is the only human that can get tings going in the right direction for her.

I can see that you are really concerned about her and your marriage but there are some things that only that person can do for themselves.

From what you have posted your wife’s troubles are within herself. This seems like a case like a boxing match. You can give her water between rounds and encourage her but the fighting has to be her own effort.

I am sure that you will do everything that you can as you are a very concerned husband but realize that spouses are not always the reason or the solution to the other person’s problems.

You have probably done this but just as a reminder I would say at the right moment hug your wife and say a prayer asking God to help your wife and family. Don’t drag it out or carry on about it too much. Just say it with conviction and quote an appropriate verse then leave her alone if that is what she wants.

This seems like a case where you can do very little and will have to pray that she gets help from God and that she will follow it.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Bob,

You should try to see if there is anything going on first. What has occurred lately that has caused you to panic? Has she become withdrawn? Is she no longer intimate with you? If she has a phone, is she guarding it more than normal? Is there a password needed to use it?

Start by checking her cell phone usage. This is not that invasive and can be done by looking at your phone bill online. Look for the most frequent phone calls and/or texts. look to see if there are numbers that are called during odd hours, late at night, early in the morning etc. If you there is anything strange, you will see it. If you need to investigate further then you may have to place a voice recorder in her car, so you can listen to those conversions. Maybe there's an affair going on or maybe she's just in a funk. Either way, the information you gain by listening to her phone calls is valuable, as it will allow you to develop a plan. She may be complaining to her friends about you or talking about her issues, since she obviously feels like she can't tell you. Again, you may be able to make adjustments to your situation without her having to tell you.

However, be prepared to find out something ugly too. If you do, do freak out and confront her until you have enough information where she cannot skirt around the issues.

Begin to save some physical cash just in case this is headed in a direction where you will need money to support yourself. 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope your situation is different than the rest of the stories here, but I'm not sure this will have a great outcome.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I hate that my life had gone the "stuck in home all day mom". I was depressed and had given my self fully over to the role of stay at home mom.
You really can not fix it for her but you can support her in finding her self again. Find a sitter once a week and take her to do things that you once enjoyed together. Take on one of her mommy duties. Talk her friends and family members into going out with her to do things "like they use to" (unless that was bar hopping and men). 
I know you said you work three jobs. Might I suggest that you drop one and have her pick up one or a part time job? I know that having a job can turn someone's out look around, and it would be a new role for her. IDK!


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

thank you for the insight. We had a good conversation last night about her identity and how she gives herself to everyone else first. She told that she needs to fix herself before she can even conceive of focusing on me. She is definitely not in a happy place.

This morning she was running to the shopping center early. I had gotten up and shared a cup of coffee with her. That meant alot to me. Of course there was no kiss goodbye or "love you" but it was something to hold on to. I need to be patient


----------



## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

bob71 said:


> I have an uncontrollable urge to settle issues immediately.
> 
> I need to give space but i'm afraid if I give too much then she will slip away.





bob71 said:


> I feel like I'm losing my mind. Cant eat or sleep.


You are not alone Bob. I share many of these same feelings as you do. I really hope that everything works out for you and that you and your wife are able to reconnect and find that happiness you so desire! Good luck Bob and remember there are others in the same boat as you!


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bob, Have you check to see if there is someone else involved yet?


----------



## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

bob71 said:


> i looked at the 5 languages and took the self assessment. It seems that i am personal touch. Great! the on thing that i really desire she wants nothing to do with. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Cant eat or sleep. I am spending all my time around the kids.


Your wife tells you she's unhappy, that she's neglected, and that she needs to find a way to fix it. Your posts, however, are filled with "I" language. They're all centered around you, what you need, your urge to settle these things immediately, etc.

Next time you take to her, try to take yourself out of the equation. Of course she she needs to focus on herself right now - it doesn't seem like anyone else is going to. 

What does the shared cup of coffee mean to _her_?


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

its funny you mention the "I". After we spoke for a little while last night she said several times "its not about you". I dont or didnt want it to be about me but i guess i am. Maybe the pain i'm feeling is so much that i am trying to solve my problem and not hers. I'm trying to be a better listner but that's not my nature. I guess you do something for so long it's tough to change! Still trying


----------



## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

bob71 said:


> Maybe the pain i'm feeling is so much that i am trying to solve my problem and not hers.


Good insight - it will definitely help you relate to her. Are you trying to make the pain/problem go away, or are you trying to help her? It's a good distinction to think about. You sound very genuine.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I smell a mid-life crisis. 17 years is exactly when my wife had hers. 

For some reason most people only think men go through a mid life crisis, but women do as well and since women make up 2/3 of those filing for divorce, I would suggest more women deal with the unhappiness of the MLC.

The MLC makes them blame the one person closest to them for their unhappy life. The spouse. Who else could be responsible. Not them, right!

The truth is we are all responsible for our own happiness and when the FOG of an MLC happens, they just don't see it for what it is. Its all about them.

Strap yourself in for a long ride. Read "Divorce Remedy". She may have flirted with an EA or PA by the time you have learned this. She likely has built up resentment which is poison to the marriage.

We can only change ourselves, so be prepared to focus on you. Don't fight her, be above the recking ball they swing.

I wish you all the best!


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

bob71 said:


> its funny you mention the "I". After we spoke for a little while last night she said several times "its not about you". I dont or didnt want it to be about me but i guess i am. Maybe the pain i'm feeling is so much that i am trying to solve my problem and not hers. I'm trying to be a better listner but that's not my nature. I guess you do something for so long it's tough to change! Still trying


Consider this a dose of "toughlove" ....

The focus on yourself + the idea of "trying" = a sure path to failure.

You don't try. You must not give yourself an option to do anything BUT your goal. If your goal is to listen, you don't "try" to do it. You force yourself to do it and swallow everything that tries to jump up and get in the way.

The moment people allow themselves to think they're "trying" they're already accepting failure as an option.


----------



## bob71 (Aug 31, 2012)

i listened for the past couple days now. yesterday grandma had us all over for dinner. Italian, so it was a seven hour meal. during the course of the day we laughed a little but returned home with the same situation. After about an hour or so she went and sat to read on the couch. I sat down beside her and just started talking. We both started discussing the current situation and how the day went and the importance of family. I JUST LISTENED for about an hour and finally heard what she was saying. Its not me it was she that needed to be fixed. After giving so much of yourself for so long and not tending to yourself had finally come to a head. She cried a little, i was pretty choked up too, but then we hugged and are beginning again. THIS TIME with my eyes open to when she needs time for herself.

I am truly greatful to everyone who responded. Your insights made things easier for me. To everyone out there who is in my situation, keep fighting! For me, my wife meant too much to let go


----------

