# What Does His Behavior Mean? Anything?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay men, need your input.

I'm not trying to "buy any trouble," I have enough as it is.

But, I've noticed changes in my husband since "the incident" in December and I was wondering what it means. I don't want to say anything to burst the bubble, but I want to make sure the changes are for the right reasons (us and him), versus just him (getting ready for the next woman).

I've been insecure since his injury, rightly so, and am working on that, but...

My husband gained a lot of weight after his brain injury. In December, he decided to buy a treadmill and weight machine to get the weight off. He's been eating better and has lost 14 lbs thus far.

He quit drinking and has been nicer and much more pleasant to be around. 

He's retired military, so everytime he got his hair cut he got it buzzed. I always told him I liked it better longer, but he said his hair - so I shut up about it. He got his hair cut today and left it longer, the way I like it - I didn't say anything, but noticed.

And, he's not surfing porn as much anymore, but the action in the bedroom is about the same, but, his ED isn't as bad (no drinking).

So, what to make of it?

- Not drinking
- Treating me with respect
- Losing weight
- Not surfing porn all the time
- When I asked for sex, wasn't rejected

So - these are GOOD changes and I'm taking them as such. But why the turnaround all of a sudden? I know for a fact that there's nothing going on with anyone, so are these changes for him, because he's feeling better and for me, thus for us?

Just asking - I'm glad about the changes and I'm not trying to start anything or buy any more trouble, but it has all happened within a few weeks, so I'm curious.

What's your take on it?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - guys - someone has to have an input here - come on....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Maybe the "incident" served as a wake-up call?

You seem to have no reason to think he's cheating, so it sounds like a good thing to me!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Me too - just wondering is all (with his medical issues, cheating would be redefined in his case). 

Don't want to ask him, because of course that would upset things as he holds things close to his chest.

Thanks for the response.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Right now, I would just go with it. Unless he gives you some other indications something might be going on. Do not read to much into anything. Accept it for what it is, and look at it right now as he might really be trying to make a change.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am not a guy. All I have to say is I would be so overwhelmingly happy if your extraordinary patience, effort and faith paid off for both of you. Cautious optimism is in order. If he were working toward the NEXT woman, he would not be noticeably treating you with respect.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My input is not to dwell on it. Stop thinking about the 'Why?'.

My presumption would be that he had some substantial discussions with the doctors when he was in hospital. Stop drinking and get off your a$$ and do something were probably strongly urged as a part of his recovery.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the best analogy I can think of in terms of how you should handle this is the equivalent of dealing with a wild animal. That comparison was given to me when I worked with juvenile offenders a very long time ago. You can be optimistic for him, but should not, cannot simply let your guard down - not after what happened.

He's unpredictable. You need to NOT frame things in terms of normal or what is expected. I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know. In short, I think what he's doing is great. It's positive. But don't hang your hopes on it. And don't count on what he is doing when factoring in what you need to be doing for yourself. 

Presume he's doing it for 'him', not you, not a sense of 'us'. Don't project what the changes mean in a context of how they affect you - you will likely be disappointed.

They sound like very, very, positive steps. Acknowledge as much if it is appropriate, but don't dwell on it - and don't try to tie it to your relationship or your own self-esteem.

My BIL had brain trauma resulting from a tumor several years ago. He simply was NEVER the guy he was prior to the tumor. His and my ex's extraordinarily f*cked up parents simply couldn't acknowledge that fact. At one point his father actually said to him, "Do you think you would have been better off, if you didn't make it?" No wonder both of their kids are messed up.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

wake up call!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

These are signs that he is not wallowing as much. 

Every day is a new day though. 

It'll be hard trusting this as a long term change. But maybe it is!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I am not a guy. All I have to say is I would be so overwhelmingly happy if your extraordinary patience, effort and faith paid off for both of you. Cautious optimism is in order. If he were working toward the NEXT woman, he would not be noticeably treating you with respect.


Got a point there - but really, the haircut did throw me for a loop! Maybe some hot thing at the VA said he looked good with it longer...you know how it is, MY opinion doesn't matter much after 27 years!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Right now, I would just go with it. Unless he gives you some other indications something might be going on. Do not read to much into anything. Accept it for what it is, and look at it right now as he might really be trying to make a change.


Roger that - what I'm trying to do, but keeping on guard, just in case.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Deejo said:


> My input is not to dwell on it. Stop thinking about the 'Why?'.
> 
> My presumption would be that he had some substantial discussions with the doctors when he was in hospital. Stop drinking and get off your a$$ and do something were probably strongly urged as a part of his recovery.
> 
> ...



You're right, what an a**hole! Why would anyone say that to someone with a brain injury, let alone your own father!

Thanks for the advice...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> These are signs that he is not wallowing as much.
> 
> Every day is a new day though.
> 
> It'll be hard trusting this as a long term change. But maybe it is!


You're right about that - unfortunately I'm so on guard I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, that can't be good either.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You're right, what an a**hole! Why would anyone say that to someone with a brain injury, let alone your own father!
> 
> Thanks for the advice...


These are the same people that refused to believe our son was autistic. They simply believed, and said to my ex, that she was a crappy mother and we did a lousy job of parenting and disciplining.

Do wish you a happy outcome in your circumstances MWIL.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I hope his changes last.

Must admit that I find it hard to give you advice because you are dealing with such a unique and unpredictable circumstance.


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## LoveTalks (Jan 19, 2011)

there's alot of time in my relationship that i took noticed of my wife's reaction to some of my stuffs e.g hair, actions, habits. sometimes she would comment on it like "why must you put your leg on the chair?" kind of stuffs. 

frequently i will try to change whatever she maybe dislike and once awhile she will notice and ask me why havent i been doing this or why i had done this. examples, 
1. "why havent you been eating fastfood?" i would reply, "because you said i am getting fatter"
2. "why are you so quiet today?" i would reply,"because yesterday you mentioned i am far too noisy and talkative"

So if she's jokingly commenting on certain actions of mine and I took a resolution on it, she will tell me its ok. But will be happy, I guess. 

So I think, maybe personality or what.. if you been wondering why did he change certain stuffs.. maybe find a good time to ask? my wife would normally ask these questions at night in bed though when things are really very relaxing. of course i didnt take it very negatively why did she kept on probing on my actions.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I hope his changes last.
> 
> Must admit that I find it hard to give you advice because you are dealing with such a unique and unpredictable circumstance.


I know, I get that a lot, but thanks for trying!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

LoveTalks said:


> there's alot of time in my relationship that i took noticed of my wife's reaction to some of my stuffs e.g hair, actions, habits. sometimes she would comment on it like "why must you put your leg on the chair?" kind of stuffs.
> 
> frequently i will try to change whatever she maybe dislike and once awhile she will notice and ask me why havent i been doing this or why i had done this. examples,
> 1. "why havent you been eating fastfood?" i would reply, "because you said i am getting fatter"
> ...



I did gently ask him about the haircut last night.

I said, hey, when you got your haircut you left it longer, just decided you needed a change, huh?

He said, yes and that was it.

So...guess that's it.

But he did say something last night that hurt my feelings but I laughed it off and will bring it up in our next counseling session.

I told him that if we could get our sexual life back on track that I thought it would make us both feel better.

He replied - why would you think it would make me feel better? I said, well, it gets the blood flowing in the body, adds a pep to your step, just an overall release of tension, etc.

He didn't respond.

So - now of course I'm imagining all these terrible scenarios - like - he doesn't want sex with me; I don't turn him on; that's why he's always rejecting me, etc.

I'm staying calm and trying not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but it did hurt my feelings. I'll discuss it at our next joint counseling session.

I did buy him a card yesterday and wrote a note in it and left it on his desk this morning.

It read:

XXXXX,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you and how far you've come in your recovery and the obstacles that you have had to overcome.
You wouldn't be where you were without courage, tenacity and perseverance and I am so proud of you.
You make me a better person when I see you try so hard to overcome all your issues, you are an example to uphold.

I love you, XXXXX

I tend to give him cards every once in a while to let him know I'm thinking of him. He's not the mushy-type, so I don't expect it in return.

Thanks for the input!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Just my 2 cents, but men don't tend to value cards as much. A letter on the other hand  I haven't read your whole story so far, as I'm new here, but did he just change after the surgery?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I read your other thread about his surfing.

If you knew ... absolutely ... and without question ... that all of the emotional investment that you put into this man was pushing him away from you ... making him loathe the idea of any kind of interaction with you for fear that it will ALWAYS end up being about the marriage and sex ... would you, could you, stop doing it?

CAN you just leave him alone? MUST you dwell on the 'state' of your relationship all the time?

I'm not accusing you or setting you up. I'm generally curious.

I can't conceivably compare our circumstances, but there was undoubtedly a time where I was desperate to know where 'we' stood, simply because she stopped expressing anything resembling investment, engagement, or love. And the more I asked where the love was, the further away she went.

Ex is currently involved in a very similar dynamic with her current partner. He doesn't know where he stands with her - and for that reason, he is trying desperately to figure that out ... and as a result she's looking for the exit.

You want to get closer to this man? Put some emotional distance between the two of you instead of unflinchingly pursuing reassurance that you just aren't going to get.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Just my 2 cents, but men don't tend to value cards as much. A letter on the other hand  I haven't read your whole story so far, as I'm new here, but did he just change after the surgery?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Things changed after his TBI in 2008. It's been a rough couple of years I'll tell ya...the hardest thing/things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

Everything I have has taken a hit, my health, sanity, sleep, eating habits - my whole life has turned upside down and while I know his has too, he has a lot of support - me taking care of him, all his doctors (he has many), his family - everyone always ask how he's doing, but no one asks how I'm doing.

We have no family here and my best friends don't live here either, so I don't have anyone I can cry to expect my counselor when I get to see him and you poor guys here on TAM.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I read your other thread about his surfing.
> 
> If you knew ... absolutely ... and without question ... that all of the emotional investment that you put into this man was pushing him away from you ... making him loathe the idea of any kind of interaction with you for fear that it will ALWAYS end up being about the marriage and sex ... would you, could you, stop doing it?
> 
> ...


You know Deejo, I have to tell you and be honest here.

This is the most well thought out, pretty much on target response I've had in a while (please don't be offended anyone else - love ya too!).

You pretty much hit the nail on the head and have said exactly what's already been said to me by my counselor(s) and in my own research I've done.

I think I am pushing him away by always looking for reassurance that he loves me, wants me, needs me - that's he's not waiting for the time to make an exit, etc. I don't feel secure, assured that he loves me, that he's here because he wants to be and not because he has no where else to go. And the more he turns from me, the needier and less secure I continue to feel. It's a vicious cycle and I'm having a hard time trying to stop it.

I feel that if I don't keep those issues in the forefront then they'll get worse instead of better, but they're not getting any better and I have them in the forefront.

So to answer your basic question - yes I can stop. Hard, but I can. And I know I'm going to have to, if not for any other reason than I'm driving myself crazy and he's going about his business as usual so the only person I'm hurting is ME.

I had already decided that I will leave the issue alone, when I get home act like normal, do my normal things, not rehash the issue, not apologize (that doesn't work well either with him), if he wants space, give him space and most of all, maybe give him some benefit of the doubt that he's trying, in his own way and maybe doesn't really understand that his surfing hurts me. My counselor says I'm trying to reason with someone who does not have all his faculties and that I'm not going to get anywhere doing that and he's right - it's gotten me no where - so like Dr. Phil likes to say - how's that working for ya? Well, it's not.

So, even though I hate New Year's resolutions and never make any, I was up most of the night thinking and have done a lot today and here's what I'm prepared to do immediately to shift the dynamics.

- Step back from the marriage and detach some
- Give him the benefit of the doubt that he's with me because he wants to be
- Back off from the sex situation. I have done this before and it didn't help - maybe I didn't back off long enough - what the heck is the timetable for that?
- Think before I act and speak with him. Ask myself, will this hurt XXXXX, if my answer is yes - then don't say it or consider a different course of action
- Shove more sunshine up my own ass! I rely too much on him to provide the reason for my happiness and that just sets me up for failure as the only person that can make me happy is ME
- Keep reminding myself that I am a smart, funny, attractive woman, that I am a smart, funny, attractive woman - rinse and repeat as necessary

I'm going to put this on some card stock and tape it to my bathroom mirror tonight.

And I did buy that kitchen timer today, gonna follow some of the advice I imparted to someone else from my counselor for a change.

I just hope he hasn't run away again and its all for naught.

My counselor just keeps telling me over and over again, that TBIs can do strange things and make strangers out of those that we love and he's right. I've been "working" on adjusting for over a year now and I know I still have along way to go, but I have made strides, a lot of them. He has too, I realize that my expectations are too high based on what's happened to him, I need to lower them and still love myself in the process.

I know all of this, I just need to put it into action.

I'm starting today - I promise!

Will keep everyone updated on how it goes. I'm human though, so don't expect perfection.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Yep the carer can have a really tough time of it. I saw it with my mother and aunts and uncles.

I think the number one thing to do will be to join a support group. If there’s not one for your husband’s specific condition then there are others for Alzheimer’s Parkinson’s that sort of thing. There you will make outside friends and join them not only in the group but socially as well.

Get yourself out and about at least one night a week. You need time away. Your husband will notice your absence and just maybe he’ll start pursuing you again. Don’t most men like to be the hunter and pursuer? Also he has no fear of loss of you as you are always there when you’re not working and just maybe you are smothering him. Fear of loss is one of life’s greatest motivators!!!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Just my 2 cents, but men don't tend to value cards as much. A letter on the other hand  I haven't read your whole story so far, as I'm new here, but did he just change after the surgery?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the card tip, he doesn't like reading e-mails and has a hard time reading period, so don't think a letter would work either.

I'm going to leave the issue alone for now and step back and detach and put some distance emotionally, for my own sake as well as his.

We'll see how that works. It will either pull us farther apart or bring us closer together - nothing else is working, so no harm in trying this out.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks for the card tip, he doesn't like reading e-mails and has a hard time reading period, so don't think a letter would work either.
> 
> I'm going to leave the issue alone for now and step back and detach and put some distance emotionally, for my own sake as well as his.
> 
> We'll see how that works. It will either pull us farther apart or bring us closer together - nothing else is working, so no harm in trying this out.


Not really email, but hand written letters. Either way, yeah, letting go seems to be the only (and recommended) option.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Still won't take my phone calls.

I'm headed home, either the big freeze has begun or he ran away again.

I'm not going to beg him to return this time - maybe we need some time apart if he did leave.

I'm just worn out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, things better than I anticipated.

He's home and in bed and while I am getting the freeze, it's not artic - I can handle it. He at least answered a couple of questions.

So I'm going to leave him alone and do my thing tonight.

Hopefully the thaw will come soon and I think he'll be surprised at the difference in me tomorrow.

I'm going to take care of me now and focus less on him, he's too sure of me and needs to be a little more the hunter vs the hunted...that's a fitness test, right? HA


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm going to take care of me now and focus less on him, he's too sure of me and needs to be a little more the hunter vs the hunted...that's a fitness test, right? HA


I think sometimes the world’s a crazy place. When my wife was with me she turned me down flat when I asked her to retake our vows. Now we’ve been separated for a year she wants to come back to me. I think in LTRs people just take each other way too much for granted thinking they’re always going to be there providing whatever it is they provide.

But for some it’s not until they’ve lost what they once had for a while, in my wife’s case it took her about a year, that they then truly know what it was they had and what a blessing those things were. I’m not the same though as I’ve always been one to count my blessings and in that way I knew exactly what they were and what I’d be losing.

But for those that don’t count their blessings, it’s best to take them away from them for a while and make them work to get them back, if indeed that’s what they want to do.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I think sometimes the world’s a crazy place. When my wife was with me she turned me down flat when I asked her to retake our vows. Now we’ve been separated for a year she wants to come back to me. I think in LTRs people just take each other way too much for granted thinking they’re always going to be there providing whatever it is they provide.
> 
> But for some it’s not until they’ve lost what they once had for a while, in my wife’s case it took her about a year, that they then truly know what it was they had and what a blessing those things were. I’m not the same though as I’ve always been one to count my blessings and in that way I knew exactly what they were and what I’d be losing.
> 
> But for those that don’t count their blessings, it’s best to take them away from them for a while and make them work to get them back, if indeed that’s what they want to do.


Exactly and that's what I'm doing.

When I got home last night, I took care of me, watched a show I liked, ate what I wanted for dinner and just spent me time - felt pretty good actually, thought I would be lonely, but wasn't. Hubby stayed in bed watching TV, checked on him once in a while to make sure he was still breathing, but did not cater to him and when he finally asked what I was doing (see, working already), told him I was watching TV and drinking a beer. No response.

Funny thing though, when he was up around 9 PM for a bathroom break, he asked what I was doing again. Told him I was waiting for the dishwasher to finish to reload. He said why, you can come to bed now and do it tomorrow.

So, I went ahead and went to bed. Seems he wanted me to be there, huh? 

So...just a few hours and its already working, just imagine what will happen in a week! :smthumbup:


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"So, I went ahead and went to bed. Seems he wanted me to be there, huh?

So...just a few hours and its already working, just imagine what will happen in a week!"

Hopefully in a few days he wont turn around and display the same behavior he just did a few days prior. If it does, then nothing isn't really working. Sorry. But hopefully he will stay on the right track.


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## zohaib (Dec 24, 2010)

May be your Husband got the Woke up call in his mind...
y r u curious if he has given all the things that is good for u..!

I just simply unable to understand that wat is the need to be curious here if he start loving you...!

If you don't want to buy any trouble then y r u trying for it..!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> "So, I went ahead and went to bed. Seems he wanted me to be there, huh?
> 
> So...just a few hours and its already working, just imagine what will happen in a week!"
> 
> Hopefully in a few days he wont turn around and display the same behavior he just did a few days prior. If it does, then nothing isn't really working. Sorry. But hopefully he will stay on the right track.


I agree.

All I'm saying is, me pushing away some and doing my own thing last night INSTEAD of catering to him felt good and since he wasn't used to that, he did take notice.

Believe me, with all the crazy ups and downs in our relationship, I never expect something to be permanent until it actually is.

I'm just saying that the detachment thing felt pretty good even if it was small and insigificant to anyone else. I'm going to keep it up tonight and this weekend and see how it goes.


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