# Just married and now second guessing



## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

I'm not sure how I should feel. I just found out that my husband set up some type of "domestic asset trust..." account, basically like a prenuptial agreement with me needing to know about it protecting him if anything happens. What is killing me is that he couldn't just come out and say something instead of going behind my back. I feel as if a part of me just died inside. I don't want his money. I've been married and divorced before and I didn't take anything that time around. I just basically packed my things, grad my cat and left. I didn't take the house or ask for money. Nothing. Now I feel I don't know him and wondering what else is he hiding from me. I feel like I should just walk away from this marriage to. I just don't know how I should be feeling right now. My heart feels like its been stabbed.


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## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

If someone leaves their H once, I don't think much about it, people make mistakes but if it happens second, and third time than it sounds like a pattern. 

How exactly he went behind your back? You said: 

"basically like a prenuptial agreement with me needing to know about it protecting him if anything happens"

So did he let you know about it or didn't he?

I think people should protect their assets and it is nothing to do with trust or love, it is just a common sense these days when anyone can take to court anybody and it is not always fair. 

I am not on the deed on our house that my husband bought before we were married. We have put in a lot of work to make this a better home (complete remodel) and my H has said that if we ever sold this house I would get my share - the investment I have made work wise. 

Did you talk to your H about it? It sounds to me that maybe you already had some second thoughts and you were just looking for a reason. 

More info really would be nice to judge your situation.


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

My first marriage was a long time ago and he was physically abusive. It's been over 10 years since I decide I was ready for a relationship. And no my husband didn't talk to me about it. That's the part that's killing me. Why didn't he fell he could say something to me. I wouldn't have cared. I only found out because he left it up on the computer when I sent to use it to log into my email. The phrase that he used "just in case" also kills me. All I can think of is I'm glad I didn't change me last name yet...I mean "just in case" if he were to divorce me I would go through the trouble to having to change it back. I'm also glad that we don't have kids and I don't want them..."just in case..." I'm just so angry about the fact that he didn't say anything at all to me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

holy crap, are you seriously going to go into a marriage and not pour yourself into it? why are you not talking this out with him? you have no kids, so whats the danger? the worst that can possibly happen is that you and him disagree and you go your separate ways. 

to be honest with you, i think you need to change the way you view marriage. it will always be a work in progress, so look at it that way. if you aren't getting better, than you ARE getting worse. 

so, sit down and talk with him. come up with a plan and find a way for you to feel better that works for him too. if you can do that, you wont only be "OK", you will thrive. 

your problem right now is very temporary. find a way to make it work. come up with something..


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What discussions about financial issues did you have before marriage? Did he lead you to believe that everything he owns would be yours, or not?


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

I was up front with my finances as for him he's made it clear...it's his house...his money etc. That's why I haven't bother unpacking anything. I couldn't even park in the driveway for the first 2 years for crying out loud. I had to park down the street. I wasn't allowed to hang Christmas decorations or plant things in the yard, because everything is his.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hmmmm, how did you happen to fall in love with a man whose personal boundaries are so...tight? He certainly doesn't share very much does he? This isn't strictly about assets. It's about merging two lives together and he is making you feel like a renter in your own home...or what should be your own home.


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

I know...that's why I'm second guessing the whole thing. That's why I'm upset that he didn't say anything. I just have a hard time wrapping my brain round it. I can't believe that he thinks I would take anything. I have a life insurance policy and 401k at work all of which I left him the beneficiary... I have a feeling that I'm not his beneficiary and if anything happened to him I would be screwed. I keep brining that up to him and he doesn't seem to care.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Has he been married before?

And how long have the two of you been married?

His behaviour does seem a tad odd - I can understand why he might have set up this trust and not told you about it, but the constant making clear that everything is his sounds over the top.

If you are not his beneficiary if he dies, who do you suppose is? Does he have children?


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

We have been married less than a month. He doesn't have any children. The domestic asset protection trust will leave him the beneficiary and someone else the trustee... Not sure if he listed anyone else if he dies. But it's not me. I guess I should change the beneficiaries on my accounts.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Lost lonely said:


> I was up front with my finances as for him he's made it clear...it's his house...his money etc. That's why I haven't bother unpacking anything. I couldn't even park in the driveway for the first 2 years for crying out loud. I had to park down the street. I wasn't allowed to hang Christmas decorations or plant things in the yard, because everything is his.


 You knew this 2 years ago and since you said you have only been married for a month, then in those two years you should have seen the writing on the wall.

He sounds like a selfish man and I got a feeling that you will never feel comfortable in that house for fear of moving something or using something that is his and that's a bad way to start off a marriage. 

Why did he say you can't use the driveway. It's a god damn driveway made of asphalt or concrete not gold.

IMO don't unpack because I have a feeling that your going to be repacking in the near future.


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

I think you're right. I think I'm just a stupid romantic. The signs are there. I'm just a dreamer looking for happily ever after. He said that he was content with being alone. I should have listen to that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lost lonely said:


> I think I'm just a stupid romantic. The signs are there. I'm just a dreamer looking for happily ever after. He said that he was content with being alone.


Well, I'm sorry for your circumstances. But from where I'm sitting, I wouldn't attribute them to being a romantic, stupid or otherwise.

If you were looking for "happily ever after" you were only kidding yourself. You couldn't park your car in his driveway? Uh, that's not a healthy sign. And it happened two years ago.

When he showed you who he is, you should have believed him. If you want to be a victim, by all means stay with him. But, as it is, this man is content to be alone.

You should seriously consider allowing him to be content.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I don't understand this story. How did the marriage coming about? What was the courting period like? How is it possible that he said you could not use the driveway? I'm missing something here.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I completely agree with you. 

Finding that on his computer was a blessing in disguise. If you were in an honest relationship, he would have flat out told you before marriage and why he's doing it. 

It is VERY easy for him to keep things from you. That itself will be a huge problem. He can hide things from you and not feel guilty, thus hiding more things from you will be no sweat as far as he's concerned. 

And the parking thing down the street is just tacky. He was lying to you about things then and its obvious, he still is. 

Either stay married and always be on alert or get out now. Invest your time into a guy that shares everything with his partner.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Omego said:


> I don't understand this story. How did the marriage coming about? What was the courting period like? How is it possible that he said you could not use the driveway? I'm missing something here.


im starting to wonder the same thing...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

None of this makes any sense to me. You couldn't park in his driveway? And yet you chose to marry him? 

I can't imagine why you'd want to be married to someone who wouldn't let you park in his driveway.

Get an annulment.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lost lonely said:


> I'm not sure how I should feel. I just found out that my husband set up some type of "domestic asset trust..." account, basically like a prenuptial agreement with me needing to know about it protecting him if anything happens. What is killing me is that he couldn't just come out and say something instead of going behind my back. I feel as if a part of me just died inside. I don't want his money. I've been married and divorced before and I didn't take anything that time around. I just basically packed my things, grad my cat and left. I didn't take the house or ask for money. Nothing. Now I feel I don't know him and wondering what else is he hiding from me. I feel like I should just walk away from this marriage to. I just don't know how I should be feeling right now. My heart feels like its been stabbed.


These days, marriage is a very big risk for guy. The only upside is legitimate children, for those who want that. So, I think these trusts are good, generally. It's all the other stuff you talk about that puts me in agreement with everyone else. 

How old are you?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

regardless of the situation, you can always make it better. dont strive for perfection. perfection is unrealistic. strive for excellence. 

excellence is... better than it was before. nothing more, nothing less.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> None of this makes any sense to me. You couldn't park in his driveway? And yet you chose to marry him?
> 
> I can't imagine why you'd want to be married to someone who wouldn't let you park in his driveway.
> 
> Get an annulment.


:iagree:

This. 
Life is too short to be stuck in a dead end miserable relationship. You have picked up and left once before, you can do it again.


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

The courting period was strange one doubt. I just thought maybe he was social awkward. I didn't meet any of his friends for over a year and a half. He did say at one point that he wanted a relationship like a business deal. Which I didn't/don't understand. He doesn't really talk much. Even now he comes home from work...we have dinner and he goes in his office. He comes to bed about midnight after I'm already asleep and it starts all over the next day. He screens all of his calls...both house and cell phone(s) yes multiple phones... I mean when we were dating he always paid, and opened doors etc. spa since it's his house obviously he takes care of all the payments related to the house. I don't really pay for anything other than my personal bills. He takes care of me in that sense but he really doesn't share any information. The whole not being able to park in the driveway or even in front of the house is weird, but then again I can't put any pictures up or have people over the house or anything like that. None of my friends or family have seen or been to the house and I moved in a year after dating...even though I was asked to keep my own apartment up until we were engaged. I just don't know what to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can say is that your relationship isn't like any marriage I'd want to be part of. But if you want it, knock yourself out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lost lonely said:


> I just don't know what to do.


Sure you do.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Just to play devil's advocate, a lot of acrimonious divorces with bitter fights over assets come from marriages with a spouse in the beginning thinking "I would never want to take anything of his/hers." What bothers me is not that he protected his assets, but that he didn't tell you before hand. 

What bothers me more, though, is that even if he didn't tell you about the trust, he did basically send you a clear message: "What's mine is mine." You knew that going in and had plenty of warning, and yet you chose to marry him, and now only a month in you've changed your mind. What's going on here? 

People go into marriages willing to put up with all kinds of things. Let's say you married a man who couldn't walk -- I would never say "don't marry a man who can't walk." But you'd have to go into the marriage aware that he couldn't walk and with the mindset "I am willing to deal with all of the struggles that may come along with being married to someone who can't walk." 

So you married a man who is tight about everything that is his. You knew this. The question is not only "why did you marry him?" but "why did you marry him with your fingers in your ears, not preparing yourself to deal with all of his shortcomings?"


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## Lost lonely (Jan 19, 2014)

I'm 35 and he's 41… I married him because I love him. Part of me feels that that is enough for me to stick around a make it work. The other part says, "get the hell out." I think most people would freak out over all the other things I'm not allowed to do like not being allowed to eat anywhere other than at the table. Even if I'm running late and need to eat something in my own car or doing my laundry the way I want or make a BLT using anything other than white bread. I just figured he was old and set in his ways and in which I am ok with, but to set it up so that if anything happens, even in his death where I got nothing kills me. It just hurts that he wasn't upfront about it. If he dies I would just need to pack up and leave. And in the case of divorce same thing since there aren't any martial assets (eveything being his). The part where he doesn't care enough for me to make sure that I would ok if he died is the slap in the face. And what if we had kids? Those trust are irrevocable. I'd be completed screwed over.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lost lonely said:


> … I married him because I love him.


Perhaps you have convinced yourself of that, but not a single thing in what you have posted indicates this marriage is about love. Far from it. In all honesty, WHAT is there to love about this man? 



Lost lonely said:


> I think most people would freak out over all the other things I'm not allowed to do like not being allowed to eat anywhere other than at the table. Even if I'm running late and need to eat something in my own car or doing my laundry the way I want or make a BLT using anything other than white bread.


And what is it about this you "love" exactly? I don't know if most people would actually freak out, but if a man was imposing such screwy rules on how I ate or where I ate, I certainly would not continue to have a relationship with him. Old and set in his ways? Oh, c'mon ... are you serious? You can only use white bread? WTF?????



Lost lonely said:


> ... but to set it up so that if anything happens, even in his death where I got nothing kills me. It just hurts that he wasn't upfront about it. The part where he doesn't care enough for me to make sure that I would ok if he dies is the slap in the face. And what if we had kids? Those trust are irrevocable. I'd be completed screwed over.


You keep saying how angry, hurt, and upset you are that he set it up so you get zip if he dies or you split. I don't get it. Seriously. I just don't.

And I'm wondering if this entire story is legit. Why? Because you married a man WHO SHOWED YOU WHO HE WAS FROM THE BEGINNING. 

He wants what is his to be his. He wasn't all that thrilled to get married. It sounds like he enjoys keeping to himself. He did not integrate you into his life by introducing you to his family and/or friends.

But you are on here acting SHOCKED that he wouldn't leave you anything if/when he dies. 

If you were looking for a man to take care of you long-term financially and have happily-ever-after, it doesn't sound like you made a wise choice, does it?

Instead of b!tching about him, I'd be interested to know why you really married him. And don't feed me some crap that you were in love with him. In love with his potential, maybe. But a guy who treats you like an ugly stepchild while you're dating???

Nope, I don't buy it.


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