# Female Friends



## froggy (Oct 2, 2015)

My husband has many many many female friends. This has been a problem since we started dating as he cannot set boundaries with his "gaggle" and they often overstep what I feel is appropriate behavior. My husband is growing increasingly angry with me and says I am ruining his friendships. He rarely talks to or hangs out with his male friends. However, he spends hours a day texting, calling, and emailing his girl friends. I once counted over 100 texts to a girl friend in one day that he did while he was at work. His girl friends have never made a point to reach out to me or include me in their friendships with my spouse. When I have met them in person, they are very sweet and nice when he is there, but as soon as it's just them and me, they are cold, distant, openly criticizing me, and make jokes at my expense. When I tried to tell my spouse this he doesn't believe me because of how they act when he is around. His girl friends used to give him relationship advice about us before we got married which he would then throw in my face. I don't know if they still do this or if he just doesn't say anything.

We cannot take any vacations without having to meet up with one of his girl friends. Am I so horrible for wanting a vacation and time alone with my husband? I don't even get excited about taking trips with him anymore because I know he's going to say one of his girl friends lives there and why don't we meet up with her and hang out?

He has one girl friend who he talks about constantly and they talk on the phone every day. According to him she has done everything and been to every continent on this planet. We cannot do anything without him saying, "yeah sue has been to egypt, she rode camels and had a private artifact dig inside the pyramids", "did I tell you sue went skydiving", "sue speaks 5 foreign languages and got to meet the president", "sue went to antartica and spent time researching whales". I am so sick of hearing about all the unbelievable things that sue has done. Anytime i try to bring up something fun or exciting for us to do, he has to respond that sue did that and i guarantee you its bigger and better than what i did or had planned. Am I that boring to him? When he talks on the phone to her he is outgoing, funny, tells her about his day. He hasn't spoken with me like that since we were dating. 

Another one of his "gaggle" I recently found out he had dated while we were separated several years ago. When we got back together, she was a huge problem. He still went out to dinner alone with her, and at one point told me they were taking a road trip out of state to look at new cars because she has a friend who owns a dealership there. I of course, was not invited, and it was going to be an overnight trip. I put my foot down and said he could not go on the trip with her or I was leaving. He didn't go with her but still makes it clear that I ruined this friendship. A few months ago I saw him texting this same girl and found out he had been calling her multiple times a day and was planning to meet her for lunch. He had not told me anything about it, and when I confronted him about it, he lied and said she had only called him one time and he wasn't planning on meeting up with her. 

And yet, another member of his gaggle used to call him several times a day because she was divorcing her husband. We would be out on a date and she would call him crying about how depressed she was. One night was really bad and she had been calling him every ten minutes and he didn't answer his phone. We were about to make love and were in bed when his doorbell rang and it was her. She had driven over to his house because he wouldn't answer his phone. He jumped out of bed and went to the front door and they talked for about half an hour. When I got upset he got mad at me and said he had been friends with her for 25 years and he wasn't going to give up her friendship. 

My husband tells me all the time that I have ran off his friends and cost him friendships. I have no problems at all with him hanging out with his male friends and encourage it. We have several couples that he is friends with that we do stuff with together as a group and I encourage him to make plans. I just want him to set boundaries with his girl friends and respect my feelings. Am I being unrealistic?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There are a few more details that we will need to be able to give you advice:

Do you have children?
How old are you and your husband?
How long have you been married?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

This is no joke, have you ever considered he me be gay?


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## froggy (Oct 2, 2015)

I am 37, he is 41. We started dating when I was 20 and got married 2 years ago. No children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been together?

Do you have children?



froggy said:


> "sue went to antartica and spent time researching whales". I am so sick of hearing about all the unbelievable things that sue has done.


Has Sue been to the moon yet? Maybe you could arrange a one way ticket for her to do that to add to her bucket list. 



froggy said:


> Another one of his "gaggle" I recently found out he had dated while we were separated several years ago. When we got back together, she was a huge problem. He still went out to dinner alone with her, and at one point told me they were taking a road trip out of state to look at new cars because she has a friend who owns a dealership there. I of course, was not invited, and it was going to be an overnight trip. I put my foot down and said he could not go on the trip with her or I was leaving. He didn't go with her but still makes it clear that I ruined this friendship. A few months ago I saw him texting this same girl and found out he had been calling her multiple times a day and was planning to meet her for lunch. He had not told me anything about it, and when I confronted him about it, he lied and said she had only called him one time and he wasn't planning on meeting up with her.


What are the content of the texts between him and all those women? How flirty are they?


froggy said:


> My husband tells me all the time that I have ran off his friends and cost him friendships. I have no problems at all with him hanging out with his male friends and encourage it. We have several couples that he is friends with that we do stuff with together as a group and I encourage him to make plans. I just want him to set boundaries with his girl friends and respect my feelings. Am I being unrealistic?


Your husband is way out of line. I generally do not have a problem with someone having OSF (opposite sex friends) as long as they are not crossing the line. Your husband and his female friends have been crossing the line all over the place.

You say that he does not believe that his female friends mistreat you when he is not around. You could get a voice activated recorder, keep in on you but hidden, and record the things that they say. Of course if you do this get a backup on the auto file in a safe place first, before you play it for him.

The reason that his friends are rude to you is that he has given them tacit permission to disrespect you. His actions in his relationships with these women tell him that he does not respect you. So why would they respect you?

Personally I think that at least one of the relationships can be viewed as an affair. The others…. Who knows how many affairs he’s had?

What do you want to do about this?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

froggy said:


> I am 37, he is 41. We started dating when I was 20 and got married 2 years ago. No children.


Whew, no children makes it a lot easier!

He wants to act like he is single, therefore he is not fit to be a husband.

Get a divorce.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

froggy said:


> My husband tells me all the time that I have ran off his friends and cost him friendships.
> 
> *Tell him you don't give a sh1t, it has to stop*
> 
> ...


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

You need to present him with an ultimatum...period. He needs to ditch the female friends...no if's, and's, or but's about it. And when you do present him with the ultimatum, you need to be prepared to follow through with it.

Trust me on this. I am one of those men who "attract" women and it has never ended well. I now know that I cannot have female friends and have a good, healthy marriage. Not at least until I get my head screwed on right. In the meantime...no OSF (Opposite Sex Friends).

Good luck my friend.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg your husband is a douche! No, you're absolutely not being unreasonable.

He seriously told you he was going on an overnight trip with a woman he dated while you two separated? SERIOUSLY??? It's bad enough that he's even in contact with her!!!

Wow. Just. Wow.


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## pollyanna (Oct 2, 2015)

Narsasistic personality disorder? He's rubbing it in your face!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Gay, narcissistic, or both.

I have zero problem with opposite-sex friends when the people are actually just friends and each respects and supports their spouse above all others. But he is clearly dissing you when talking to them, just as they bring their love-life problems to him. If he's really gay, then they aren't a threat--but that's *not* good for you, obviously, and then they are treating you like **** on top of it! He may just need the attention, and there is something wrong about a grown man needing this much attention. I honestly think that he's more likely to be gay or attention-seeking, b/c straight adult men don't generally don't spend so much time texting and talking, while gay men or narcissists might. Still, he could crave the attention and "status" of being a player, while wanting to present publicly the image of a solid, married man (not uncommon among narcissists). 

Whether or not he is gay or narcissistic does not actually matter--he is not nurturing his relationship with you and may even be undermining it by complaining about you to his "friends.

A good marriage takes a lot of time invested in each other, and it seems clear that isn't happening. 

I'm not sure I want to encourage salvaging this relationship--it just sounds very unhealthy to me. If he's gay, he needs to accept it and be free to pursue a healthier relationship with a man. If he's a narcissist--well, just be glad you don't have kids; there is little hope for him to change, and you really do just have to walk away.

If, by some miracle, he's just gotten into very bad habits and truly wants to save the marriage, he needs to get on board with marriage counseling right now, devote all his free time and energy to you (with time for work and hobbies, but NO time for girl "friends), and really grow the F*CK up. 

Best of luck!


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## mahbae (Oct 3, 2015)

sisters359 said:


> Gay, narcissistic, or both.
> 
> I have zero problem with opposite-sex friends when the people are actually just friends and each respects and supports their spouse above all others. But he is clearly dissing you when talking to them, just as they bring their love-life problems to him. If he's really gay, then they aren't a threat--but that's *not* good for you, obviously, and then they are treating you like **** on top of it! He may just need the attention, and there is something wrong about a grown man needing this much attention. I honestly think that he's more likely to be gay or attention-seeking, b/c straight adult men don't generally don't spend so much time texting and talking, while gay men or narcissists might. Still, he could crave the attention and "status" of being a player, while wanting to present publicly the image of a solid, married man (not uncommon among narcissists).
> 
> ...


He has a serious problem and it's not you!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why on earth are people saying that her husband might be gay? 

He's hanging out with women and dating them. Does not sound very gay to me.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why on earth are people saying that her husband might be gay?
> 
> He's hanging out with women and dating them. Does not sound very gay to me.


Sisters said it much better than I will.

A former colleague of mine is gay. I see his FB posts all the time. Almost every post is a picture of him and a very hot woman. Maybe he just enjoys the company of females over males, straight or gay. Dont know! I never see a pic of him and a guy friend. 

The average man who hangs out/talks with women like the OP states are either gay, they are having affairs, they want to and are hoping, or keeping several women as a plan B. It's all disrespectful and he is intentionally doing this to hurt the OP. 


As far as my former colleague, I don't know why so many hot women want to hang out with him. Unless they see him as fun and one of the girls.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why on earth are people saying that her husband might be gay?
> 
> He's hanging out with women and dating them. Does not sound very gay to me.


Ummm, because he doesn't want to hang out with straight men Or they dont want to hang out with him. I'll bet straight guys spot him immediately.:nerd:


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
My thoughts are that A: you dated for 15 years? I am all for getting to know someone before marriage but 15 years seems excessive. Is it because he did not want to commit to marriage? Was he "playing the field" all of this time with you as a fallback? Did you threaten to walk if he did not purpose or otherwise "pressure" him? B: 39 is somewhat late in life to settle down and marry and he has developed his "ways" and is not going to suddenly change his ways overnight, if ever. C: He has little respect for you placing "friends" over spouse and caring less for your feelings than his "friends".

I can not say for certain why he married but I can say it was not for love because he is not treating you as one would treat someone they truly adored. I know you have made a significant investment in this arrangement but I do not see staying in it bringing you anything more than what you have experienced already. If you find this tolerable, which this post indicates otherwise, then so be it if, however, you find it intolerable then I fear D and moving on to be your only option.

In an effort to forestall D, you might try an ultimatum wherein he relinquishes his OSFs but I truly believe this will be futile and he will either refuse outright or agree half heartedly and then begin to build resentment towards you while still covertly interacting with his "friends". With no children involved and what appears to be delineation in your marriage (the friend rang HIS doorbell, not our doorbell) it would seem there is little to lose except your investment of time, which I know is substantial but with each passing day it grows even more so. I wish you good fortune.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

I think you're going to have a serious job getting him to change given that you've been together so long and are only just addressing it now. In his mind you've set a precedent that you're OK with it, and he won't see any reason to change. Going to some form of therapy or mediation together might help?


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

You said this was going on when you were dating....so why did you marry him? You knew it was a problem before and can't be surprised or upset it's still a problem. Marriage is no magic wand. 

It doesn't matter if he's out of line or if he has a serious problem- you knew he was like this and you still married him. You already know you cannot change him. I'd be asking myself what's going on with me that I willingly- with eyes opened- married a guy like this. I find it odd you dated for nearly 15 years without figuring this out. And you married him at 35- you were old enough to understand what you were getting into.

Thankfully there are no children involved. You can choose to deal with this the rest of your life or not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Sisters said it much better than I will.
> 
> *A former colleague of mine is gay.* I see his FB posts all the time. Almost every post is a picture of him and a very hot woman. Maybe he just enjoys the company of females over males, straight or gay. Dont know! I never see a pic of him and a guy friend.
> 
> ...


What is your husband like in bed?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> This is no joke, have you ever considered he me be gay?



Somebody ALWAYS beats me to my point!!!! I hate that.

Nearly 100% of the time in these "my husbands female friends" posts I say "He wants to screw her, of that I have ZERO doubt".

But I think these are all really his BFF's. His "girlfriends".

How's your sex life?

(I'm putting money on "not too good since we tied the knot").

You're his beard. Look it up.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Guy has zero boundaries. He needs to learn to put up boundaries or put up his marriage. I have a few female friends. They are not close friends by any means. Any time I interact with them, I will always bring up something great about my wife in the conversation. I never say anything bad about her to my female friends. I never say anything but how great our relationship is. If my wife ever asked, I would shut them out in a moment's notice. That is because she is my #1 priority in my life and has been with me through all of the good and bad. 

Your guy needs to fix this NOW, or you need to move on.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

froggy said:


> He rarely talks to or hangs out with his male friends.


I want to see a show of hands? How many straight men would ALWAYS prefer to be in a gaggle of women than hanging out with your boys? Anyone? No...?

Come on guys. She has no reason to worry about him getting into ANY of their pants. 

I just hope she answers the "bedroom" question for us. That will tell us a lot.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

froggy said:


> I am 37, he is 41. We started dating when I was 20 and got married 2 years ago. No children.


Just cut him loose. Nothing worth saving here. What a loser.

You absolutely can do better than this wannabe player.

I would say more but don't want to be banned.

Very angry for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Dont think OP will respond. Thread is from October.

Hopefully she has divorced this either gay in the closet husband or player a$$hole husband.


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