# advice needed



## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

I have been reading your blog for a while now. I have been married for 11years. Since of lately over the last 2 years I have concidered swinging, I don't know why. My husband and I have spoken about this for some extended time, I don't have any secrets from him I respect him to much. I have writen to Dr Phil for some help or answers. The thought of swing sometimes consumes my mind, sometimes there is no thought of it at all. 

I got married when I turned 17 not because we had to, because we were so in love that we couldn't get enough of each other.
After 8years of marridge we had our first baby. Since our children 
my life has changed. 
I have always seen sex out of marrige as wrong, I was not raised like that. But since the children... 
I have only slept with my Husband and I somtimes wish that I had slept with a few guys before Him. Then I would not be feeling the way I do. It has noting to do with him, He is wonderfull, always put's my needs first, He is a wonderfull father I couldn't ask for someone better for my children. 
I just feel the desire to feel someone els, how would it feel.... My parents were very strict and now with them out of my life I feel free. I was boxed up long enough in my life. I was always expected to be the good gril, the sweet one that never have falt's. Well I do. I have never been drunk, or smocked and now I want to know how it feels to be drunk, but what would my kids think of their mother. 
Life is passing me by to quickly. I am getting older. If we swing now this feeling to feel someone els would go away.Would once be enough??? If I am older who would want to swing with a 40 or 50 year old. I am stil young and still think that I am sexy. Would it be best to just do it and get it behind me. Should I go for counseling, would it work??? 
We have logged into some swinging sites before, and put up our profile, but as soon as it's done my husband pulls the plug. He says that he couldn't share me, (I don't know If I could either), It's as thou I can't think rationaly about the swinging. I don't want to lose my husband I LOVE HIM to much. What if he likes swinging and I don't. Im not sure I would go through with it. 
We have been on chatting sites, and the first guy that I ended up talking to, well we ended up having siber sex I found it so exiting such a rush. Afterwards my husband asked me how far I was willing to go to keep the guy interested, I don't know? So we decided to end the chating. 
It's like a rollercoaster, sometimes the feelings are gone and then their back in fullforce. I don't know if someting triggers it. In a way I wish it would go away, and then in a strange way I wish it wont. The unknown is so exiting...... 
Some while back we went to the shops. A table of guys all looked at me when we pasted, I felt so sexy, such a rush. 
Once husband is suppose to say that your sexy. I don't know why I need the validation of other men, I don't know why I want them to look at me and find me sexy. 
My husband thought that the reason that I'm feeling like this was because of someting he did or didn't do. I have told him that this thing has every thing to do with me and noting with him. He realy is wonderfull. 
I would realy like some good advise as to weather to get this out of my sistem, will it ever go away??? Should I just ride this feelings and desire out. I realy don't know. I don't want to do someting I will later regret in life ( swinging or not swinging). 
Life is to short and I feel that I've missed out on a lot already. 
You have been on the other side of this. In a way I know you will understand. 
Is giving up someting pure realy worth it at the end. 
Marriage is a lot of work already with or without the complications once fantasies.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

If you have a good marriage and wonderful husband then dont risk the complications (emotional and otherwise) of doing this outside your marriage. I would think its a normal phase to go through having had such a tight upbringing. Its ok to get a rush from other men thinking you are attractive, but it doesnt mean you have to take it to another level by doing something with them. Take that sexy feeling back to your husband and do things with him... maybe spice things up to new things between the 2 of you... take it to another level within your already stated wonderful marriage. Best of luck


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

When faced with decisions like this, I try to look into the future. I ask myself questions like... how will this effect our marriage after everything is said and done? And.. How will I feel towards him after seeing him with someone else (and visa versa)? 

Be very realistic. Once you cross that line, there's no going back - remember that. It's easier to just play fantasy games with one another, than it will be to un-do any harm that comes between you two emotionally if you invite another person or couple into your private sex life. 

I knew a guy who did this with his (now ex) wife. He said it was a blast at the time... BUT it totally tainted his marriage and they ended up divorced soon after they did that. He's remarried and happy now, but he regrets swinging big time. 

Why not just keep this fantasy to yourselves. Play dress-up and go into a public place seperately - like meet up somewhere accidently like you don't know one another and strike up a conversation. Flirt with one another. Be daring. Have fun. 

Good luck!

Blaze


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

MrsPayne said:


> Is giving up someting pure realy worth it at the end.
> Marriage is a lot of work already with or without the complications once fantasies.


I don't think swinging is a good idea... 
Choose2Love & Blaze have great ideas for alternatives, I'd say try one of those before doing something so drastic as giving something that you gave exclusively to your husband to another man.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

If he is not sure I would not try the swinging. My wife and I did a FMF and it was fun but she was totally into it. If she was not I would not have done it. We might do it again if we get the chance, maybe eve MFMF but only if we both were very comfortable. Doing this can be a big risk for most marriages!


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

chuckf75 thanks - but how does it feel to be with someone else???????????????


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You know how being with someone else will feel? Hollow and cheap when you know you have a husband who loves you so much.

It sounds like you are in search of an ego boost more than anything else. 

And by the way, this idea that 40 or 50 is old is childish.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

mrspayne, you remind me so much of my wife 10 years ago. Her and I married at the age of 19 but we had been dating since we where 14. Needless to say, at that time and up until 10 years ago, neither one of us had ever known anyone else sexually. The thought of how it would feel like to be with someone else and that she was getting older, etc. etc - you know the drill, exactly what you said in your post; consumed her for a few years. Well, it finally ended up where she had an affair on me and it become physical because of that. So now she knows what it felt like but I have never known. Have I ever pondered the tought of how someone else would feel? Of course I have but I kept myself sane and I never did anything like that out of respect for my marriage and love for my wife; and the thought that after the deed is done, how will I feel about it and how will it impact my marriage. I can tell you from experience that it hurt me when she did that like nothing else I had ever experienced. I know that after her affair she was depressed for a few years and she had so much remorse about what she did. She suffered with guilt for a long time coming to terms with her affair. Well, it was not easy but we did manage to work throught it. It's not that I will ever forget but I have forgiven and gone on with my life. BTW, that affiar she had did change me into a spiteful, negative person - I hated myself becuase I felt like she did it becuase I was not good enough for her and I have always been a faithful, loving and helpful husband. Also, we did discuss swinging when she was feeling that way, I too had the same feelings at that time but thank God I got a hold of my senses.

With that said, you are under the lure of LUST and it is not easy to separate yourself from that. I know what it is like to wonder - I am 49 yrs. old. I don't look 49 - so people tell me, and I do keep myself in shape; but I do it for my wife. How do you ever get yourself to stop thinking about it, well you really don't, you just learn to cope with it and after a while, the thoughts get further and further apart. I hope no one rips me on here for telling you this but unless they have been married for 30 years and have never known sex with another person, they probably won't understand. That is why I raised my kids telling them that they need to go out and experience life before you make such a life long commitment as marriage. Maybe this doesn't help you with your feelings but I will say that if you start to get creative with your husband and start spicing things up a bit, you will see that your thoughts about someone else diminishes. Remeber - curiosity killed the cat!


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Here is my deal. I was a real womanizer, loved sex and have been with over 30 women in my life. Honestly I don't regret the vast majority of them, it was fun and exciting. I cheated on my ex-wife many times, justifying it because our sex life was unsatisfactory to me. Note I was VERY WRONG and eventually it cost me my marriage. When you make a committment to someone you should live by it, pure and simple. It's one thing to be single and enjoy different people but when you make a vow you should stick to it, I now wish I had. 

I can also tell you that a new person is exciting but after having sex with them several times the same thing happens, you get used to it and it becomes less exciting. So what to do, find someone else? It only becomes a spiral where you are looking for that "new high" that can never really get satisfied. Plus with someone you are very used to it can be much more relaxing and that is special in itself. You know each other, know your bodies and know what turns each other on.

Cut to today, I have a wife who is very sexual, even more than me. We do all sorts of crazy and exciting things and I even have an issue right now where some of the crazy stuff is becoming boring. One of her favorite fantasies is for me to be with another woman and she has made this happen for both our pleasure. Will we do this again? I bet we will but it is important to point out this is what we both want, there is no cheating and she gets off on it. I would never cheat on her (although I do flirt sometimes). One time with her encouragment I was flirting with an old girlfriend online and she started getting jealous so I cut it off right away. I know from experience that cheating (or doing something that makes your partner feel uncomfortable) will destroy the marriage.

I do feel that sex is an important part of a marriage but it has to be managed very carefully. It is important to talk a lot about needs and desires and to not overstep the boundries you have set up. If your husband is not comfortable with swinging or such then you need not to do it. Even if a couple thinks they want to do it this may change after they try it. Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality, try role playing and talking about stuff but I advise you to be very careful you don't get caught up in the lust that could destroy a good marriage.


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## messylife (Sep 29, 2009)

MrsPayne said:


> I have been reading your blog for a while now. I have been married for 11years. Since of lately over the last 2 years I have concidered swinging, I don't know why. My husband and I have spoken about this for some extended time, I don't have any secrets from him I respect him to much. I have writen to Dr Phil for some help or answers. The thought of swing sometimes consumes my mind, sometimes there is no thought of it at all.
> 
> I got married when I turned 17 not because we had to, because we were so in love that we couldn't get enough of each other.
> After 8years of marridge we had our first baby. Since our children
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## messylife (Sep 29, 2009)

Dear mrsP I hope that my advice will help as i been through it. So how does it feel..... How will it feel not to be able to make love to your partner again not be able to look each other in the eyes again and say i love you. Just think the body you use to make love to your husband to show him how much you love him you used it for lust and not just yours bud the other person using you. Believe me you feel like a dirty dog afterwards new feelings you can not handle. As for me and my wife who was opened to each other and very emotionally involved and love each other very much bud it destroyed us. Why? Well it work like this my wife was the only one i been with before it happend and i got so emotionally involved with her over the years and i desired her love her because she was the the only women who sexualy did it for me and emotionally. Bu after our first swing, things changed so much no matter how muched we loved each other. Like your mind is changing because your partner is not the only one who done it for you. Like me found that a other women can do it for me too and not desire my wife anymore bud desire women more causing me to disconnect emotionally from my wife and i try not to bud it happend by it self. If it happens that your husband is the one who is pulling the plug then by know he is then emotionally very involved to you. We men after time we get very emotionally with our wifes what is taking time. When then desire you put you high up on a foundation invest our lives into you and want to be your loved one, lover, in your dreams and in your fantasies as well hero and rockstar. Bud this all just gone afterwards no matter how hard we tried to fix it, it didn't helped leaving us divorced and regret it totally. So think about it and do a reality check and if still have the urge maybe you love him for what he is worth to you and not for who he is. I do not know how he feels about everything or about you bud if he is pulling the plug he surley loves you. Hoped i could help you not to make the same mistake. Like my name my life is a mess from then. keep well mrsP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

I have been reading all of your replies time and time again. To tell you the truth at first it's not the advice I wanted to hear but advice I desperately needed. Thanks to all of you especially brighterlight, chuckf75 and messylife, I think because of your first hand experience in this, I could relate to your life storys and realy see that if I should proseed with this lustfull thougths I would not only loose my self dignity but also an above great marriage. Many many thanks to all of you who exposed so much of them selves on my behalf, your life storys has realy realy helped me.


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