# he is getting married . How to cope with it?



## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

hello there,
Hope you are doing fine. My relationship with this guy is a bit complicated . We were just friends at first. We went to a nightclub one night and we hugged .. etc. He wanted to sleep with me but i politely refused. He asked me to be his girlfriend but because i was going through a tough time i told him i wanted us to be just friends.


I wanted him to be my friend for life. I didn't want us to have a fling and then we end up going our separate ways. I liked him though but felt i had to do the right thing. I was depressed and lonely and this is why i hugged him in the first place that night.

Long story short, i have strong feelings for him. I know i shouldn't but i do. Now he is seeing another woman . He told me recently that he is getting married. It is just killing me. I pretend as if i don't care. He even asked me to buy a gift for his fiancee from my country.


I have strong feelings for him to point i want to end our friendship. I don't know if this is the right thing or not. What do you think? I also want to come to terms with him getting married. I feel like the only way to do this is cutting all ties with him. It is sad but I feel like this is the only thing i can do for now. It is just a nightmare. Please advise !


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

actually cutting ties with him when you do have such strong feelings may be the best wedding gift you give his future wife


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's taken now and if you continue to hang around him you'll be wasting your energy on feelings for him that he won't return. The bst thing you too is to cut ties with him and get out there and find someone for yourself that's available.

There are 6.5 billion people on earth, there are many many many many people you would click with and have a true bond with. You just got to go looking for them.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

DO NOT Buy his future wife a present from your country.

Sounds like he took it to value that you said "just friends" and thinks that you still feel that way. He started seeing someone & got serious enough to propose to her.

You've got to cut this one loose. As if he WAS an ex boyfriend. Put the memories of him away in the back of a scrapbook, or bottom file cabinet & walk away.

You'll find your right match out there someday. Don't take someone else's match to make it easier on yourself to find a good guy.

Just because he's a good guy/ good catch, does not give you the right to reveal your feelings now. Bury them & say goodbye. If he asks why you suddenly aren't talking/ ending the friendship, Tell him about how you didn't realize the jealousy you'd feel until he mentioned he was getting married. You know that is not right for him & his wife & you are doing the right thing & moving on with your life.

& DO it. Period.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

A little different perspective here:

Why don't you tell him your feelings for him? He may feel the same way and "settled" for this other woman. By telling him, it's out there and he can make a decision between you two. This way you have your answer and can seek closure vice spending your life wondering "what might have been". Once you have your answer, and if he chooses the other woman, then you can bury deep in the filing cabinet and move on. If this is someone you feel this strongly about, I think it is worth a shot to let him know. 

Just my $.02 and not everyone here will agree and that is okay too.


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## Shecheats (Aug 11, 2012)

You will hurt yourself more if you want to keep in contact with him, the more you try to avoid him and knowing his life story! the fastest you can recover from being depressed and regretful! you follow your instinct to not sleep with him, that is good because your inner self is telling you to not do it or else you sleep with him! you will probabaly have more emotional problems than what you are feeling now!  Take care!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Cut ties with him, and move on with your life. He is getting married. Let him focus on his new bride. It will hurt, at first. However, it is nothing compared to a life when you have unrequited love. At the very worse, he could seek you out for an affair when the marriage has problems.

The pain you are feeling now will subside.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Move on. Best thing you can do... after all if he is getting married.... keep in mind that his fiance must be head over heels in love with him as well. You would do well not to be selfish and take her feelings into consideration as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

MarriedinVA, why should the OP make a play for an attached man?

Gross.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> A little different perspective here:
> 
> Why don't you tell him your feelings for him? He may feel the same way and "settled" for this other woman. By telling him, it's out there and he can make a decision between you two. This way you have your answer and can seek closure vice spending your life wondering "what might have been". Once you have your answer, and if he chooses the other woman, then you can bury deep in the filing cabinet and move on. If this is someone you feel this strongly about, I think it is worth a shot to let him know.
> 
> Just my $.02 and not everyone here will agree and that is okay too.


Yep, I'm going to disagree with this, for sure. The guy has already made his choice, the OP should respect that and not put herself, nor the soon-to-be married friend through more drama. 

The OP had a moment when she needed someone for reassurance, he was there, and then she decided that she wanted to be "friends for life", as she put it. He moved on and that's that. What more is there to the story? She needs to find a way to file this experience and her feelings about it away and move on with her life.

Also, thumbs down on the gift. Make the break and keep it that way. It makes no sense trying to hold onto what is now a fantasy. There are tons of other people in the world.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

friendzoned a guy interested in you. he is getting married and you want him now?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Move on. You made it clear you weren't interested in him. Even though you had feelings? Oh well. He moved on. 

Sucks for sure! But, don't do that again. Marriage is "friend for life"...so date your friends, you never know who will be "the one".

But leave him alone now. Don't be that obsessed/desperate friend that bugs the newlyweds. His wife will hate you and you'll cause problems in their marriage. Don't do it. Just fade away and find your own life.


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## ReturnOfTheKitty (Aug 11, 2012)

What was the name of that movie starring Julia Roberts? aah the name escapes me


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

My Best Friend's Wedding?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeah... she made herself look like a fool.... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> friendzoned a guy interested in you. he is getting married and you want him now?


It's almost like now that she can't have him, he looks more attractive to her. It's human psychology that we want something we could have had all along but when someone else comes along and is more interested in it, we suddenly find it more interesting. 
Maybe the OP will disagree with me, but that's how I read this situation. 
My two cents....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I see that too, CA. And also, he wasn't as into the OP as she maybe hoped...to have the guy always pining over her? I'm not sure.

But, he listened to her when she kept it as friends, and went to find his lifelong lover.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You had your chance and you blew it. What were you hoping? That you could reject him and he'd sit around lonely pining for you?

The phrase "fish or cut bait" comes to mind.

Oh, and I agree with the others. Not a good idea to remain friends. Time to cut ties.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I've decided to cut all ties with him and move on. I feel kind of down today but i know i can do it. If he texts , i will tell him the truth and that i wish both of them a happy married life.

Please , don't be harsh on my. I was going through a hard time. I had issues to deal with. I was heading to a mental breakdown when i hugged him that night. It is hard to jump into a relationship when you are vulnerable.

I know i had my chance . i regret it now but i keep telling myself that i did the right thing. I have to work with my issues first and love myself. I had a really low self esteem back then because of what i had been through. I lost two of my childhood friends in a car accident just this year.

It isn't because he isn't available now that i want to have him. I had these feelings for him before him starting to see his fiancee. I told him that i like him but he turned me down (sigh). He didn't even tell me about this other woman till i got out of the depression i was in ( another sigh) .


I think you are right. I don't want to be around when he gets married.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

There's nothing for you to reproach yourself over for realizing that you weren't in a good enough place, emotionally / mentally, to have a relationship with this guy. However, he found someone else and there's nothing you can do about that. For all you know, had you entered into a romantic relationship with him, it mightn't have worked out, or he might still have found someone else... So many ifs and maybes...

The best thing you can do now is bow out gracefully, OP, and move on.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Yes, you are right. I don't want to waste my time and energy on this. And if any thing will happen between us , i don't want him to have an affair with me after getting married . Thanks all. This has been helpful. I just need to be strong...


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Do you think it is a wise thing to tell him that i have strong feelings for him and that i want to cut all ties with him? or should i just distance myself and avoid him ? a bit confused.

I don't want to come across as weak. Also, i don't want this to have any effect on his relationship with his fiancee. I really want the best for him , for both of them . What do you think?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Don't tell him your feelings as it will just stir up trouble. Just cut ties and be done with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> friendzoned a guy interested in you. he is getting married and you want him now?


As soon as another woman wanted him his man-value skyrocketed. This is how women work. Even when they don't realize it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> friendzoned a guy interested in you. he is getting married and you want him now?


Doesn't get any more textbook does it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

jane1213 said:


> Do you think it is a wise thing to tell him that i have strong feelings for him and that i want to cut all ties with him? or should i just distance myself and avoid him ? a bit confused.
> 
> I don't want to come across as weak. Also, i don't want this to have any effect on his relationship with his fiancees. I really want the best for him , for both of them . What do you think?


No. Don't tell him your feelings. You don't want to affect his relationship? Telling him how you feel will affect it, and, if I was his fiancee, I would think you are fishing for a relationship with him. 

He looks attractive now because he's not available. It seems to me that you wanted this guy as your back-up plan. You friend-zoned the guy, and he moved on. Would you still feel the same way if he wasn't taken now? Like ripping off a bandage, do it quickly, distance yourself, and bow out gracefully.



keko said:


> My Best Friend's Wedding?


This movie immediately popped up in my thoughts. It didn't work out too well for Julia Robert's character, OP. I doubt it will with you, too. Cut your losses and move on.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

jane1213 said:


> Do you think it is a wise thing to tell him that i have strong feelings for him and that i want to cut all ties with him? or should i just distance myself and avoid him ? a bit confused.
> 
> I don't want to come across as weak. Also, i don't want this to have any effect on his relationship with his fiancees. I really want the best for him , for both of them . What do you think?


I agree with the others.. No. Do not tell him your feelings. 

I would tell him flat out that you wish him & his love the best for the future. It is time for you to be out of the picture. Tell him you are not going to be that tag along pre-marital friend that gets in the way. You wish him the best but you are NOT going to be friends with his future wife. End it & go on. 

THEN.. you can avoid him if he tries to get back into contact. JMO


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you very much ! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and give your valuable advice ! I will do as you suggested . Thank you again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good luck Janie. You will definitely find a good guy


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with the others, Jane. Better keep your feelings for this guy to yourself.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you very much. I am trying to keep it together. It hurts , really hurts. I have been hoping for months now that my feelings for him would subside and fade way, but they don't seem to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cut ties with him so you can move on.

You will never move on as long as you're in contact with him. Promise.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you Jellybeans. Yes, you are right , but it is EXTREMELY hard. I tried to bow out gracefully before but i couldn't and every time he texts, i can't ignore him !

So he was texting me yesterday and i told him that it would be better if there was no contact between us.

Either way i am hurting. It would hurt to remain friends knowing he is getting married . Now it hurts that we aren't friends anymore.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

But you absolutely did the right thing. it hurts now, but it won't, given time. I promise.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jane1213 said:


> Thank you Jellybeans. Yes, you are right , but it is EXTREMELY hard. I tried to bow out gracefully before but i couldn't and every time he texts, i can't ignore him !
> 
> So he was texting me yesterday and i told him that it would be better if there was no contact between us.
> 
> Either way i am hurting. It would hurt to remain friends knowing he is getting married . Now it hurts that we aren't friends anymore.


Good. Now you must follow through. 

It only hurts that you aren't friends anymore because you have feelings for him. Know that he was never your friend. He was someone you had feelings for which puts him in a different category.

He made his choice--another woman. You need to accept that and move on. He wasn't the one for you. You will see this in time.

No contact is the only way you are going to get over/through this.

Delete his number and block it (as well as him on FB, email) if you have to. I would.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cut ties with him so you can move on.
> 
> You will never move on as long as you're in contact with him. Promise.


Let's also contemplate the favor that the OP is doing for the bride as she moves on. first of all, the basis of the friendship does not sound very strong. They met in a night club and went out a few times. It sounds as if they don't even have any friends in common. and certainly not any deep shared experiences like work or university.

Considering that I had to deal with a fly by night ex as friend, I am not very kind about these liaisons.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Let's also contemplate the favor that the OP is doing for the bride as she moves on.
> 
> Considering that I had to deal with a fly by night ex as friend, I am not very kind about these liaisons.


BINGO. You nailed it. It's the most selfless thing Jane could do for him--backing out of his life completely.

You know what they say, if you love/care for someone, you want them to be happy.

Jane, I have been in a similar situation. And while it wasn't a marriage he went into, he was serious about her and I fell back. Way back. Out of respect for him, her, their relationship, and myself. There was NO reason to stay in contact with him at all. 

Those are what you call GOOD boundaries.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't stay in touch with my exH even though he suggested that we could be friends. I'm sure his current wife has her hands full dealing with all the other OLD (as in from way back) female friends that he has.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Just move on and be happy for him. The advice somebody gave of letting him know your feelings and hope he feels the same is something out the movies. You know where you go running into the church in the middle of the ceremony and tell him you love him. Then he goes running into your arms and you live happily ever after. It's fairytale nonsense. Put him in the past and get on with your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

... and that's why they call them "movies."

Great post, Making. And spot on.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jane, cutting off the friendship will help you move forward faster. With time, your friendship with him would have probably dwindled, anyway, because his W would eventually have put her foot down over it...

Think of it like a Bandaid; it's painful, but a quick yank is less painful in the long run than removing it slowly...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jane1213 said:


> Thank you Jellybeans. Yes, you are right , but it is EXTREMELY hard. I tried to bow out gracefully before but i couldn't and every time he texts, i can't ignore him !
> 
> So he was texting me yesterday and i told him that it would be better if there was no contact between us.
> 
> Either way i am hurting. It would hurt to remain friends knowing he is getting married . Now it hurts that we aren't friends anymore.


block his number. It will hurt but will help you move on


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I agree with War. Just block his #. (and on FB too)


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