# Please put down the phone when we talk



## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Do you have issues with your spouse looking at their device/smartphone when you are trying to have a conversation with them?

I love my wife’s face—her eyes, her expressions, her mouth when she speaks—all of the little things I fell in love with 10 years ago when we first met.

But I am missing so much of that now when we talk and I’m staring at the top of her head while she’s looking down at her goddamn phone. 

I’ve expressed to her on many occasions that I would like to see her face when we talk and that it is hurtful when I am opening up to her and she is browsing cute springtime outfits on Pinterest. Her response is that she can still listen to me while looking at her phone 😕

We have kids and a busy life. I don’t expect her full attention often or for her to listen when I speak or some ego-**** like that. I’m mean after the kids are in bed and it’s just us and I’m wanting to connect with her but the device is in the way.

Has this been an issue for you? How have you addressed it?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

No. Not that problem specifically. However, my wife will prioritize a text conversation over myself or our daughter trying to talk to her. She does the same with phone calls.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NickTheChemist said:


> Do you have issues with your spouse looking at their device/smartphone when you are trying to have a conversation with them?
> 
> I love my wife’s face—her eyes, her expressions, her mouth when she speaks—all of the little things I fell in love with 10 years ago when we first met.
> 
> ...


The next time she does it, tell her, "When you are playing on your phone while you are talking with need, you're not fully present, and it's very rude and shows me that I am not a priority for you. You're teaching me that browsing for outfits on Pinterest is more important to you than I am. We are busy with the kids and work, and we don't get much time together for just the two of us. I want you fully present and engaged with me when you do. Your relationship is with me, not your phone."

She may be pouty initially for being called out on her behavior. Ignore it.

When she does it after that, repeat an abbreviated version: "Please put down your phone. I am being present for you, and I want you to be present for me."

You probably will have to do this multiple times... we are so attached to our devices that we pick them up absent-mindedly all the time. But she will eventually begin to internalize what you are telling her, and once this happens, she will reach for her phone... and then put it down again.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It's not that exact issue. I am, unfortunately, not rich and good looking. I don't qualify for my wife's attention anyway, regardless of the phone.

My issue is that I'm not rich enough to have a TV room in which I can put a "jammer" so that phones don't work in there. If we are watching "Grey's Anatomy" or "Survivor", the phone is not a problem.
If it rings or beeps, she doesn't even look. And, I don't dare interrupt those shows, unless one of the cats is dying. My own heart attack is not of sufficient priority. McDreamy just screwed McSteamy's squeeze.... and they are rich and good looking....

If it's a show that she doesn't like? Fuhgedaboudit. There will be 25 incessant beeps from text messages, 3 calls in which she will put on the speakerphone and the dead people in the cemetery a mile away will rise from their graves. It is so loud I can't even hear headphones directly on my ears.

If I could be granted one wish in my life before I die, it would be that these infernal devices could all be buried at sea, and we could return to a phone that is not in the living room, dining room or kitchen, must be tied to the wall by wires, has a ringer that can be silenced, and anyone calling us while we are using that phone just gets a busy signal, and there is no recording or voice mail.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I have this issue with my wife. It sucks. We go out to a nice restaurant and she needs to post where we are on FB, then the meal comes and she has to take a pic of my food, and our cocktails, then our dessert. Then on the ride home she needs to see whose commented and liked her pics. Then reply to comments. Same with movies, sporting events, Kids recitals/games/concerts, it?s really annoying and I call her out on it and it really bothers her to put the phone down and just enjoy the moment or place. Her and her friends are all over each other?s social media and into what each other is doing it?s so childish. Why should anyone care about what we are eating or wearing or doing? Why should she care to share every damn thing with her friends for the social brownie points? I think she?s showing off or one upping her friends to be honest. I think that?s what they do. She?ll show me a post about someone got a car, or went on a vacation, or is at a nice restraint or resort. Then of course when it?s our time she has to do the same to get their likes. It?s weird. I call her out on it, I feel bad doing it, but I hate seeing my wife act like a teenager.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> If I could be granted one wish in my life before I die, it would be that these infernal devices could all be buried at sea, and we could return to a phone that is not in the living room, dining room or kitchen, must be tied to the wall by wires, has a ringer that can be silenced, and anyone calling us while we are using that phone just gets a busy signal, and there is no recording or voice mail.


My phone is a great tool and I use it for a lot of things that makes my life easier, but sometimes I wish for the same thing. Because of this great technology, my last boss thought I should be accessible at all times... it does make it hard to disconnect. I miss the world, pre-internet.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I have an issue with this too. Just a pain in the. I mean once in a while fine. If its something important like kids or family fine. If she is checking Facebook during a dinner or a discussion, not fine. I address it like this;

I stop talking and listening until she stops doing it. Typically as soon as she starts doing it and right in the middle of a sentence. 

If that doesn't work I usually say something funny and play full like "are we safe, is it North Korea, are you summoning a rocket on that thing"


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Electronic cocaine


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)




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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

482 said:


> I have an issue with this too. Just a pain in the. I mean once in a while fine. If its something important like kids or family fine. If she is checking Facebook during a dinner or a discussion, not fine. I address it like this;
> 
> I stop talking and listening until she stops doing it. Typically as soon as she starts doing it and right in the middle of a sentence.
> 
> If that doesn't work I usually say something funny and play full like "are we safe, is it North Korea, are you summoning a rocket on that thing"


That's another [good] way to handle it, at least the first part. I would still address the behavior, though.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I have no issues with this with my SO. My ex-husband, however, was always face-down in his phone when we were together. I tried addressing it with him numerous times. But what it boiled down to was that being engaged with me was not a priority for him. I was not a priority. Our relationship was not a priority. 

OP, if a calm discussion is not doing anything for you, you can try simply leaving when she's engaging in this behavior. Don't be rude or huffy about it. But next time she's paying attention to her phone when you're trying to talk to her, just say "It seems like you aren't interested in interacting with me right now." Then, calmly, leave and go find something else to do. No matter where or when this is going on. In a restaurant on date night? Leave. At home after the kids are in bed? Go out to your workshop or the den or wherever she isn't and do your own thing. The point is to not sit around waiting for her to finally get around to noticing you, to not appear to be begging for her attention. You have your own life, so if she's not interested in interacting with you, then go find something else to do. She may notice and come around. If she doesn't, then you've got a more serious problem and may need to really think about whether this is something you're willing to live with the rest of your life.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

My wife is glued to her phone, if we're having a conversation and she trails off and starts looking at her phone, I kinda just trail off the conversation and go find something else to do. I've tried talking to her about but I think she needs the constant social interaction and validation social media gives her. I don't think this is uncommon with women they're considerably more likely to use social media and for longer than men.

It's frustrating and I don't get it at all, but it's not worth an argument at this point.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's just the epitome of ignorance to me that everyone acts as though they'll shrivel up and die if they're not constantly entertaining themselves on their stupid phones.

My husband and I both hardly know where our phones ARE 90% of the time. I couldn't imagine either one of us acting that rude to each other and keeping our noses buried in our phones when the other is trying to have a face to face conversation because - God forbid - we might miss the latest video on YouTube if we dare to look up.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Me and my husband do use our phone when we are together, but not enough to make the other feel less prioritized. I sometimes browse FB, he sometimes play video games. Even when we hang out. But our way is that we just do it a bit or if both are doing it and ok, then we focus more on interacting and talking with each other. I also end up sharing what I browse, like funny stuffs and all.

If we ever do too much and the other feels a bit left out, we tell each other and the phone is put down. I guess that it is also because we don't give that much importance to phone activities? For example, I don't share much nor comment much on FB. His games are sporadic.
I also prioritize my husband since I can browse my phone any other time anyways. We both have our own individual times at home and we tend to pick together activities that both enjoys.

If I were OP I would first try to express how I feel. "I feel devalued when you are not focused on me while we talk" or "it's important for me that we have eye contact and have your whole attention when we talk". I would insist if she says that she is paying attention, then be more assertive if she insists. Better to have someone empathize with us and do things because of that than someone feeling guilt tripped or bothered.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I had this very issue with my ex - all the time. When I complained about it, I was told she could multi-task. It used to make me feel so unimportant. I remember I took her to see the Atlanta Rhythm Section for a concert. First I had to clear it with her almost two months in advance and then remind her of it almost daily as she kept making plans with her GFs for the day. When it finally came, we went out to dinner at a nice seafood restaurant and then to the concert. She spent the entire time at dinner and later at the show texting her GFs. At one point when the show was nearly over she asked "so, did you hear any songs you had heard before?" When I responded "every single one of them, you might have heard them too if you hadn't been glued to your phone!" She said "I was multi-tasking" Needless to say it ruined a great concert and a what should have been a great evening out. Her social media needs was one of the things that really drove my resentment towards the end of our marriage.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TJW said:


> It's not that exact issue. I am, unfortunately, not rich and good looking. I don't qualify for my wife's attention anyway, regardless of the phone.
> 
> My issue is that I'm not rich enough to have a TV room in which I can put a "jammer" so that phones don't work in there. If we are watching "Grey's Anatomy" or "Survivor", the phone is not a problem.
> If it rings or beeps, she doesn't even look. And, I don't dare interrupt those shows, unless one of the cats is dying. My own heart attack is not of sufficient priority. McDreamy just screwed McSteamy's squeeze.... and they are rich and good looking....
> ...



This is probably the best post ever about anything.

Seriously- TJW- You win the Oscar, Emmy and Tony award of TAM.

Effing brilliant. BOOM.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

My H does this and it irritates me to no end, I have mentioned it so many times and have told him that it's rude to no avail.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

The next time your out and shes doing her phone thing. Tell her in your most romantic loving way that you love her and think shes still beautiful that your still in love with her that ....by this time if she isn't beaming ear to ear telling you thanks I feel the same so lucky to be with you.and is still engrossed in her phone and face [email protected]#$ing book. Get up and go sit in the car.

When she finialy comes looking for you all pi $$ed off tell he lisren if your more interested in facebook and friends then I don't want to spend time with you because its not really time with you . From now on when we go out the phone stays off or you and the phone can go uot by yourself. I married you not your phone and friends.then tell her to post it on face book that because she loves facebook her marriage is crumbling.


Or forever be second fiddle to her fake life of instant gratification through her fake friends on face book .


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Not an issue here, we actually laugh at people when we are out to dinner and see others not talking but looking at their phones, they are the new generation of "the dining dead".

Simple rule in our house is no phones at the table, kids, adults, all of us follow the same rule. We actually sit and talk which is fun.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

How about when giving H a BJ...and you look up and see he’s reached for his phone and is playing a game......yup...no joke....this happened.

For the 2nd time. First time...I put it down to a bad decision on his part.....the 2nd.....I’ve never given him a BJ since....

Must have been a [email protected]#$ty experience for him...NOT....Well....he won’t have to worry about that now will he..his loss.

That is the epitome of not being present when your wife is willingly meeting your needs....ugghhh


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

cma62 said:


> How about when giving H a BJ...and you look up and see he’s reached for his phone and is playing a game......yup...no joke....this happened.
> 
> For the 2nd time. First time...I put it down to a bad decision on his part.....the 2nd.....I’ve never given him a BJ since....
> 
> ...



Wow, my god I hope you stick with the no bj plan forever!

What an ass. I still can't believe he did that. Probably watchin porn on his phone.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

No “Just some stupid game he is obsessed with”......&#55357;&#56897;


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Wow, my god I hope you stick with the no bj plan forever!
> 
> What an ass. I still can't believe he did that. Probably watchin porn on his phone.


Seriously, what a jerk.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Ynot said:


> She spent the entire time at dinner and later at the show texting her GFs. At one point when the show was nearly over she asked "so, did you hear any songs you had heard before?" When I responded "every single one of them, you might have heard them too if you hadn't been glued to your phone!" She said "I was multi-tasking"


I took my wife to a country concert (I really don't like the band at all but knew she did). She spent the entire time on her phone, taking selfies, posting them to Instagram, texting friends, updating Facebook. I finally just said let's get out of here, I don't even like this band and you're on your phone the entire time, let's beat the traffic. She was pissed but whatever, I'm not sitting in 2 hours of traffic getting out of the lot if we stayed, when she can just text in the car on the way home.

If my marriage crashes and burns, I swear I will never date a woman with a really active social media profile ever again (HUGE red flag to run!). I want a nice, introverted, homebody who is nice, with a close group of friends and no desire to try and impress "friends" (really strangers) on their social media feeds 24X7. I find it vapid and pathetic, it screams of low self-esteem and desperate for non-stop attention (attention whoring).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I took my wife to a country concert (I really don't like the band at all but knew she did). She spent the entire time on her phone, taking selfies, posting them to Instagram, texting friends, updating Facebook. I finally just said let's get out of here, I don't even like this band and you're on your phone the entire time, let's beat the traffic. She was pissed but whatever, I'm not sitting in 2 hours of traffic getting out of the lot if we stayed, when she can just text in the car on the way home.
> 
> If my marriage crashes and burns, I swear I will never date a woman with a really active social media profile ever again. I want a nice, introverted, homebody who is nice, with a close group of friends and no desire to try and impress "friends" (really strangers) on their social media feeds 24X7. I find it vapid and pathetic, it screams of low self-esteem and desperate for non-stop attention (attention whoring).


My ex was the epitome of self centered-ness. She would rather have a thousand FB likes than the love of a man who had adored her. She would measure how many likes or holiday ir friends she had on FB with our teenage daughter. She would come home from getting her haircut. I would tell her her hair looks nice and she would blow it off. Then she would post a pic on FB and have all of her acolytes sing her praises about how beautiful she was etc, she would send "blushy face" emoticons in response. I got to the point of not even bothering.

I certainly hope you are able to save your marriage. In the end, my ex decided she was too big for such a mundane existence. Or at least I was not a big enough draw for such a bright light. Oh well, I am better off without her, the drama and the high maintenance.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's kind of an unspoken rule with us that phones not be used at the dinner table, when we're eating out (unless communicating for logistics), or when we're deep in conversation.

I've been guilty of using my phone at inappropriate moments, usually when I have to fight a fire over email, but I apologize right away.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Satya said:


> It's kind of an unspoken rule with us that phones not be used at the dinner table, when we're eating out (unless communicating for logistics), or when we're deep in conversation.


Our unspoken rule is dinner is reading material and device free (camera excepted ), but for breakfast and lunch it's OK to futz on a device or read (digital or analog). When we eat out we usually walk and don't even take our phones.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I've given up competing against the damned phone. If I see her on her phone, I don't even try and engage, and just go find something else to do.

This was not a problem when we first started dating as she was too poor to afford a smart phone and data plan, and all her facetweetogramming had to be done on a desktop computer. It wasn't until we moved in together and I brought my laptop into the house that the mobile part took hold. When we finally got a phone plan together with a smart phone for her, that was the beginning of the end. She is not as bad as some when it comes to collecting the currency of "likes", but it sometimes seems to be her personal mission to correct people who are wrong on the internet, and whoo boy, she finds lots of them.

Back in the day when I actually bothered to call her out, she liked to throw out the "multi-tasking" line, and I would ask her something about what I had been saying, at which point, the fallacy of "multi-tasking" was exposed, but it never really made any difference. The addictiveness of the phone was just too much. At least she has respected me enough to cut out the mancandy mondays and crap like that.

I can't tell you how many times we have been out to eat, she'll be buried in her phone, and I'll be looking around, and without fail, I'll end up making eye contact with someone at another table, and the knowing look will pass between us that we know we just had a more meaningful interaction with a complete stranger than we will have with our partner.

I'm going to pull out my old man shaking stick and shake it here...when it comes to the "What if there's an emergency?" trope...yeah, when was the last time there was an actual true emergency that had to be dealt with, and couldn't have been taken care of at any other time, in any other way, by anyone else, and without the phone, calamity would have ensued? Seriously, how is it that anyone ever lived through all the emergencies that people rationalize being glued to their phones, just waiting for?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is really sad that this ruins so many relationships! I am shocked at some of these...yikes. 

I will admit both my H and I sometimes have trouble putting the phone down, but for us, it's almost always work related. We've both got our work email tied to our phones and pinging 24/7 and sometimes they require immediate response. It's usually not an overwhelming issue though. I think because it's something we BOTH deal with, we each "get it".

Dinner at home and all meals out are phone free times. 

After the kids are in bed, we do each go to our phones as our first thing to unwind. We usually spend about 30 mins on them to catch up on everything (social media included). If either of us is bothered by the phone use though, we will say something and the one using the phone puts it away immediately. I often come up to my H and sit beside him, and put my hand over his screen to block it if he is spending too much time on it. He looks up at me and I will just smile at him and cuddle up to him and he knows that means it's time to put it away! 

If either of us had a lot of resentment over the issue, I can see how my action would start a fight though. This isn't a charged subject for us and neither of us have a problem being told to put the phone down and pay attention.  

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It?s so bad my seven year old will ask her a question and she won?t hear it because she?s hypnotized to the phone. She hears it from me when I see this happen.

I nearly left her in a restaurant once over this. She was on social media, I told her let?s go as our meal was over and I had already paid the ticket, she didn?t acknowledge that I had spoken, I waited and said it again, no response, I said I?m leaving, and walked to the bar and sat and ordered a drink, I was half way through the drink watching a game on the TV when she called me angry asking where I was. I got after her told her she?s lucky I didn?t leave her there.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> It?s so bad my seven year old will ask her a question and she won?t hear it because she?s hypnotized to the phone. She hears it from me when I see this happen.
> 
> I nearly left her in a restaurant once over this. She was on social media, I told her let?s go as our meal was over and I had already paid the ticket, she didn?t acknowledge that I had spoken, I waited and said it again, no response, I said I?m leaving, and walked to the bar and sat and ordered a drink, I was half way through the drink watching a game on the TV when she called me angry asking where I was. I got after her told her she?s lucky I didn?t leave her there.


I would have left. You are far nicer than I.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

cma62 said:


> How about when giving H a BJ...and you look up and see he’s reached for his phone and is playing a game......yup...no joke....this happened.
> 
> For the 2nd time. First time...I put it down to a bad decision on his part.....the 2nd.....I’ve never given him a BJ since....
> 
> ...


:surprise::crying:

OK. I will never ever again complain about my wife's use of a cell phone or her playing games on her phone.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

My phone is mostly for work so when I get home the phone stays in the car. The kids know this and they text there Mom. I do have an iPad to browse what I want to but I am not glued to the thing. We do have a rule though if we go out to dinner or to a friends home or any other social gathering the cell phones stay in the car. The kids know where we are an can call if in an emergency, if the house is on fire we can do nothing about it just hell out and then cal 911.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I'm going to pull out my old man shaking stick and shake it here...when it comes to the "What if there's an emergency?" trope...yeah, when was the last time there was an actual true emergency that had to be dealt with, and couldn't have been taken care of at any other time, in any other way, by anyone else, and without the phone, calamity would have ensued? Seriously, how is it that anyone ever lived through all the emergencies that people rationalize being glued to their phones, just waiting for?


Yeah, I've heard the "what if there's an emergency" excuse before too. It's ridiculous. I'm the single mom of a teen, so there's a legitimate concern about emergencies - or at least urgencies - when I'm out. Thus, I always like to have my phone _with_ me. But that does not mean I need to be engrossed in it all the time to the point I'm not present and interacting with the companion(s) right in front of me. I've found that just having my phone in my purse, with the ringer set to vibrate, has been perfectly adequate when there's been an actual emergency.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

cma62 said:


> How about when giving H a BJ...and you look up and see he’s reached for his phone and is playing a game......yup...no joke....this happened.
> 
> For the 2nd time. First time...I put it down to a bad decision on his part.....the 2nd.....I’ve never given him a BJ since....
> 
> ...


Holy mother-****. I thought I had read it all on TAM. You win. Every man that has ever felt the need to complain about lack of Bjs should get to line up and punch your husband in the gut.


Rowan said:


> Yeah, I've heard the "what if there's an emergency" excuse before too. It's ridiculous. I'm the single mom of a teen, so there's a legitimate concern about emergencies - or at least urgencies - when I'm out. Thus, I always like to have my phone _with_ me. But that does not mean I need to be engrossed in it all the time to the point I'm not present and interacting with the companion(s) right in front of me. I've found that just having my phone in my purse, with the ringer set to vibrate, has been perfectly adequate when there's been an actual emergency.


Exactly. Having the phone on you isnt the big deal. And I like the urgencies as opposed to emergency.
Having the willpower to not use the damn social apps and games is the big deal. I have my phone on me at most times but rarely use it. Email or text come in? Check it then put it away. 

I get that Facebook is a wonderful thing for families and friends that live apart. But anymore I abhor it. For most people its a yearlong Christmas letter. Look at me, look at me. Like this, aren't I great? Here is everything GREAT about me and my life. Any honesty? **** no.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

cma62 said:


> How about when giving H a BJ...and you look up and see he’s reached for his phone and is playing a game......yup...no joke....this happened.
> 
> For the 2nd time. First time...I put it down to a bad decision on his part.....the 2nd.....I’ve never given him a BJ since....
> 
> ...


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