# A place to vent.



## TiffTiff18 (Mar 29, 2019)

Hello everyone. I came here for a place to vent, get advice and maybe see that I'm not a crazy as I may seem. A small back history on myself, I'm a mother of two AMAZING kids and common-law wife to a (for the most part) great husband. The relationship has had it's issues and struggles but we keep fighting everyday to make it work. Some days are easier than others. A few years ago (3 to be exact) he cheated on me and got caught. Long story short, It was the worst year of my life and not only brought my once quiet but not full blown anxiety to the forefront, but has also given me PTSD. He has worked pretty hard since we decided to reconcile to aid in repairing what was broken and I must say, he's very patient and tires very hard to understand me when my anxiety and PTSD flare up.

I think through it all, what bothers me the most in our relationship is how much I sacrifice so he can have the life, things, relationship he wants. I know, I know, relationships are all about sacrifice, but more often than not, I feel like I'm the one who's sacrificing the most. I put myself in to a box that fits his needs and wants (some of mine fit in there too) and then put the ones of mine that don't fit on a shelf. For example: He works away from home, alot. So when deciding where I want to work in my designated field, it has to be one where I am home every morning and every night. It has to be one that allows me flexibility to come and go when/if my kids are sick. I've wanted to finish my degree for as long as we've been together, but every year it gets put off because the schedule doesn't fit in with his work schedule or because between work, kids and home, I have ZERO time for it. Dont get me wrong, he supports me going back and completing my degree, so long as it fits his needs too.

Anyway, on to why I came here today. Today is his birthday! I love birthdays and do everything I can to make them special. This year I decided that I wanted him to have a day that was just about him (he shares a birthday with both his mother and my sister). I tried to plan it to where he and his friends could have dinner and drinks out then I would drive their drunk rear ends home to sleep it off. That got changed when a road trip of sorts came about. So the plan changed, they were road tripping (day trip). Then they changed again, none of his friends could get off work for the day so he asked me if I wanted to make it a family trip instead. I said of course, and planned accordingly. I was very excited about it and wa planning for it to be a very nice trip. Until this morning when things changed YET AGAIN!
His brother finally texted back (the day before the trip is supposed to happen and two weeks after he messaged him) to wish him a Happy birthday and to say "Sure I can come, when should I be ready?' He sends me a screen shot of the text to which I reply asking what he wants to do. I got several "I don't know's" which means he did not want to say what he wanted to do, he wanted me to make the decision for him so he wasn't the one who hurt my feelings when it was just him and his brother going. Now, yes, I got upset. But not because his brother was going, but because he was making me make the decision for him so he could get out of feeling bad about booting the kids and I from the car. I was upset because we had been planning it for two weeks and I was really looking forward to going, but all I said to him was "I'll be fine, you'll have to tell the kids though"

Right here is when i get told how I took his birthday and turned it in to crap. That he was all happy and I was being selfish and turning this to about me. I asked him to clarify so I could better understand where he was coming from, and I get the usual couple of words or "read what you wrote" crap with little or no help to actually understanding it. I don't care if he goes with his brother and has a guy day. Not in the least. What I do care about is 1) him forcing me to make the decision for him and 2) plans changing at the last minuet, so what was going to be a great birthday road trip is now, I just get him for a few hours tonight before he takes off tomorrow.

I tried (probably too hard) to get him to understand why I was upset while still encouraging him to go and have fun. I told him I'd be fine and I would have been had he not told me I was being selfish. I don't know, maybe I am being selfish to want to spend more than a couple of hours with him for his birthday, but this is yet again where I sacrifice and say "whatever you want to to babe, don't worry about me, I'll be fine." And then commence to trying to make the rest of his birthday day great again. I feel unheard, I feel unvaluable (not a word I know but you get what I mean), I feel forgotten and unimportant.

Any who, I should be working so I shall get back to it. Rant over and thanks for listening/reading.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Well, you're a mother. It only makes sense that any work schedule you have, revolve around when you have time away from your responsibilities at home. His job is what pays the bills, and provides for your family. So I don't know if it's completely fair for you to label his work as "his" needs.

That said, your husband sounds childish. Changing the plans at the last minute wasn't cool - he should have told his brother that it was too late. His attempt to shift his own guilt onto you was immature, and highlights his inability to take control of, and take responsibility for, his life/decisions. Sounds quite frustrating.

I'm surprised you haven't called him out. Told him to grow a set, and take responsibility for his own actions.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TiffTiff18 said:


> Hello everyone. I came here for a place to vent, get advice and maybe see that I'm not a crazy as I may seem. A small back history on myself, I'm a mother of two AMAZING kids and common-law wife to a (for the most part) great husband. The relationship has had it's issues and struggles but we keep fighting everyday to make it work. Some days are easier than others. A few years ago (3 to be exact) he cheated on me and got caught. Long story short, It was the worst year of my life and not only brought my once quiet but not full blown anxiety to the forefront, but has also given me PTSD. He has worked pretty hard since we decided to reconcile to aid in repairing what was broken and I must say, he's very patient and tires very hard to understand me when my anxiety and PTSD flare up.
> 
> I think through it all, what bothers me the most in our relationship is how much I sacrifice so he can have the life, things, relationship he wants. I know, I know, relationships are all about sacrifice, but more often than not, I feel like I'm the one who's sacrificing the most. I put myself in to a box that fits his needs and wants (some of mine fit in there too) and then put the ones of mine that don't fit on a shelf. For example: He works away from home, alot. So when deciding where I want to work in my designated field, it has to be one where I am home every morning and every night. It has to be one that allows me flexibility to come and go when/if my kids are sick. I've wanted to finish my degree for as long as we've been together, but every year it gets put off because the schedule doesn't fit in with his work schedule or because between work, kids and home, I have ZERO time for it. Dont get me wrong, he supports me going back and completing my degree, so long as it fits his needs too.
> 
> ...


His attitude shows me that he is still selfish and entitled, which means he DIDN'T learn anything about himself after cheating.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Right here is when i get told how I took his birthday and turned it in to crap. That he was all happy and I was being selfish and turning this to about me." THIS is an absolute BS response to you.
THIS IS HIS FAULT.
HE is the one that when the plans didn't work out, asked if you could make it a family thing. HE COMMITTED to doing this, and he needs to be responsible to YOU and your children.
Pulling the rug out like this shows a VERY selfish attitude about being a husband and father.

"He sends me a screen shot of the text to which I reply asking what he wants to do. I got several "I don't know's" which means he did not want to say what he wanted to do, he wanted me to make the decision for him so he wasn't the one who hurt my feelings when it was just him and his brother going."

He should have told his brother that the ship had sailed since he didn't hear back from him earlier, and they would have to pick a time to go hang out.

Sorry, but he is being an ass (and I am a guy).


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I can see both sides, in a way.

1. Your side. I would be totally salty too. The reason that would have made me mad is that he came to you about it at all. That he dared to cancel on you and your kids when his brother opted to not reply for 2 weeks. That is absurd. Thoughtless. Rude. Inconsiderate. Unappreciative. He should have told his brother, “Dude, I’ve got plans with my family now, you should have responded when I asked you dork! Can we do it next weekend? I’ve got a fun day all planned out by my wife and kids.” You only should have heard about the text from his brother when he was telling you the story during your family trip, while you all laughed about what a doofus his brother is.:grin2:

2. His side. He asked, and you didn’t say, “That would be very disappointing to the kids and I this last minute.” You left it up to him, and now you are punishing him for not making the choice you wanted.

FWIW- Of the two sides, I’m on yours. Seems like a lot of guys tend to handle stuff this way, and mine does too sometimes. That being said, I do all kinds of stupid stuff myself. I have questions and comments on the rest of your history, but I will reply to those when/if you seek out advice on them. Warm welcome to TAM!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TiffTiff18 said:


> Dont get me wrong, he supports me going back and completing my degree, so long as it fits his needs too.


 LOL. No he doesn't! If he really *actually *supported you and wanted you to be able to realize your own career dreams, he'd try to find a way to make it happen. You're just the housekeeper, nanny, cook, laundress and everything else he needs done at home to make HIS life easier. All you're getting from this guy is lip service about 'supporting' you. Why do you think you still haven't accomplished getting your degree? Because his lip service doesn't do the necessary work needed to let you start obtaining your degree, that's why. Lip service is free and worth NOTHING.

And quite honestly, I'm not surprised at *ALL *to learn this ass-clown cheated on you. He's exactly the type to do that - selfish, self centered, self absorbed and self-entitled. There's probably a whole lot more he's gotten away with that you don't *know* about. You can pretty much take that to the bank.


> Now, yes, I got upset. But not because his brother was going, but because he was making me make the decision for him so he could get out of feeling bad about booting the kids and I from the car. I was upset because we had been planning it for two weeks and I was really looking forward to going, but all I said to him was "I'll be fine, you'll have to tell the kids though"


He doesn't feel bad about *anything* he does or you'd have your degree by now. He just didn't want to hear your **** for the next 2 months about how he dumped you and the kids at the 11th hour so he want YOU to be the bad guy. And he did that because he knows how you continually *bend over backwards to please him*. Hell, I've only read this one post of yours and I already KNOW that you're constantly bending over backwards for him and he takes full advantage of it.



> I tried (probably too hard) to get him to understand why I was upset while still encouraging him to go and have fun. I told him I'd be fine and I would have been had he not told me I was being selfish. I don't know, maybe I am being selfish to want to spend more than a couple of hours with him for his birthday, but this is yet again where I sacrifice and say "whatever you want to to babe, don't worry about me, I'll be fine." And then commence to trying to make the rest of his birthday day great again. I feel unheard, I feel unvaluable (not a word I know but you get what I mean), I feel forgotten and unimportant.


And there you are *again* with that never-ending bending over backwards you continually do, always hoping for his love and approval.

I'm sorry you're married to a selfish a-hole. My condolences.

More so, I'm sorry that you've chosen to be this man's welcome mat, because that's exactly what you are.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Well, you're a mother. It only makes sense that any work schedule you have, revolve around when you have time away from your responsibilities at home. His job is what pays the bills, and provides for your family. So I don't know if it's completely fair for you to label his work as "his" needs.


Really? So a father doesn't ever have to worry about having responsibilities at home? And I guess her job is just fun money for her? She doesn't contribute to the bills and provide for the family with her income too? Unless she keeps all her money and doesn't contribute at all the the bills and family, your reasoning is not valid. If both parents work, both parents have to find a way to make it work together. It should not all fall on one partner simply because she is the "mother".


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> Really? So a father doesn't ever have to worry about having responsibilities at home? And I guess her job is just fun money for her? She doesn't contribute to the bills and provide for the family with her income too? Unless she keeps all her money and doesn't contribute at all the the bills and family, your reasoning is not valid. If both parents work, both parents have to find a way to make it work together. It should not all fall on one partner simply because she is the "mother".


Because that's the way things are, contrary to what leftists everywhere would wish. I know, it's brutally un-PC, mothers raise children. Sure, a father has responsibilities at home, but his primary role is providing for and protecting his family. Not raising kids - that's the mothers function.

What's the point in having children, if you're just going to pay someone else to raise them while you're at work? Your children are young, you and your husband are too. Decades from now, you'll look back on these years and wish you had taken more time to be with them. This is your life, right now, today. And you're telling me, you'd like to spend it at work, with your kids in daycare, and your husband holding down the fort till you finish studying?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Because that's the way things are, contrary to what leftists everywhere would wish. I know, it's brutally un-PC, mothers raise children. Sure, a father has responsibilities at home, but his primary role is providing for and protecting his family. Not raising kids - that's the mothers function.
> 
> What's the point in having children, if you're just going to pay someone else to raise them while you're at work? Your children are young, you and your husband are too. Decades from now, you'll look back on these years and wish you had taken more time to be with them. This is your life, right now, today. And you're telling me, you'd like to spend it at work, with your kids in daycare, and your husband holding down the fort till you finish studying?


Well, for starters, I am not the OP. My kids are almost grown and I do not look back on their youth with any regrets, other then letting my youngest watch Calliou. (shivers!) My husband and I raised our kids together and my kids are all the better for it. I worked three evenings a week. We did not put our kids in daycare. My husband did all the dinner time, baths, homework, etc for years on those three nights a week. As a consequence, he has an outstanding relationship with each of his children and knows them much better than the Dads who let their wives do it all. When my kids were all in school full time I switched to the day shift. But that did not mean that I had to always be the one to deal with sick calls from the school, or stay home with a sick kid etc. Again, we worked together on this...some days it was easier for me to leave work, other days he could leave work. We took turns so that nobody was overwhelmed with it. 

I'm proud of the job my husband and I did together, as a team. That's what I meant, mothers and fathers should be a team. It works out better for everyone, including the fathers, who bond with their children much better when they are actually involved in the raising of them and take responsibility for them beyond just bringing home a paycheck. It's naive to think everyone can get by on just one paycheck. Your way worked great when mothers could stay home...most can't anymore and so if mothers have to work to help support the family, then Dads have to help with the parenting.


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## TiffTiff18 (Mar 29, 2019)

Thanks everyone for your help and input


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