# I feel shattered



## NeedHelpPlease

I just found this site a few days ago and have been reading posts to kind of get the lay of the land. First I am so thankful a forum like this exists- I thought I was all alone.

I think I just need to vent more than anything. I am so upset and too embarrassed to tell my friends and family what is really going on.

My husband lost his job a little over a month ago- and it was a great job. I have always known he drinks I just never realized the extent. He has done a really good job hiding things and apparently is a terrific liar because I bought his stories hook line and sinker. His lies have recently begun unravelling. 

He didn't get laid off- he was terminated for being under the influence at work- which he denied and at first said he just looked tired and maybe didn't brush his teeth that morning. That has evolved into: he drinks what he drinks in front of me but has a much bigger hidden drinking habit. He has been drinking out of hidden bottles at home, in the driveway before he comes in the house, even before work(and safety was a big deal at his job). On top of that he admits to regularly drinking and driving and that he drank secretly and then drove with me in the car.

I had noticed mood differences at times but I think I was just in denial. I am the unhappy recipient of thousands of dollars of medical bills (which I am stuck with since he doesn't work) from us trying to find out what was "wrong" with him. At one point I was physically sick believing he was having mini seizures or had MS. He let me go through all of that stress and worry knowing the entire time what the problem really was.

I am absolutely shattered. I don't know what to do- I feel like I am just frozen. I thought we were so happy and secure- and now that's all gone. I don't know if he can get another job. I don't think I can support us both financially. He has pulled this in the past- only I didn't know the extent of everything- I just knew he kept getting "laid off", and it was miserable. I have been the one to take the initiative and update his resume and get him every job he has had. I can't do it anymore so his resume is just sitting here staring back at me. I just can't. I'm too tired and I am too sad and I am too angry. 

I don't trust him at all now- I won't even get in the vehicle if he is driving and I won't let him drive my car.

I just wish I knew what I could do to make this right or to rewind time and see everything sooner.

Sometimes he seems sorry. But I don't believe him. Yesterday I came home from working all day and I could tell he had already been drinking because of his breath. He got pissy and said it was just a beer. I checked my credit card statement today and turns out he used it at the liquor store yesterday. Now I have to take the credit card away. He is sleeping in until noon- six hours after I leave for work. I am fed up, but I also love him very much and don't want to lose my marriage. It almost feels like I am dealing with two different people.

Sorry for all the whining- I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this. I don't have a friend or family member within 12 hours of here and I don't think I could bear to tell anyone anyway. This is so hard. Thank you for letting me vent.


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## the guy

Until your H starts to feel some consequences, his bad behavior will continue. I know its time to show him the tough love he needs to face the reality and he most have the perception that you can and will leave this marriage. 
The best way to show him how confident you are in letting him go is asking him to leave. Sure it sound over the top, but what better consequence then having to deal with the reality of losing you.

I guess you could try a nicer approach and ask him to get help for his issues, but nicing your way out of this kind of crap never really works, it just prolongs it.


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## NeedHelpPlease

the guy said:


> Until your H starts to feel some consequences, his bad behavior will continue. I know its time to show him the tough love he needs to face the reality and he most have the perception that you can and will leave this marriage.
> The best way to show him how confident you are in letting him go is asking him to leave. Sure it sound over the top, but what better consequence then having to deal with the reality of losing you.
> 
> I guess you could try a nicer approach and ask him to get help for his issues, but nicing your way out of this kind of crap never really works, it just prolongs it.


Last night I asked him to leave and to decide what he wanted out of our possessions- I actually told him take everything but the dogs. He said- "No". Today he acts like he doesn't remember the conversation. If I try to bring it back up he just says non-commital things like "right" and "okay". He says he'll go to AA if he finds a group he "likes" but I don't think he has even looked for one. He did make an appointment today to see a doctor about the issue and getting on a medication that makes him sick if he drinks. The problem is when he's drinking there is just no point in having a conversation. When he's sober he's the guy I love. If I push it, then he drinks and becomes the guy I didn't even know was in there. 

I even thought of getting him a one way ticket to see his family and telling him not to come back until he has his crap together and the money to buy the return ticket. But I think that would make me a crappy wife. First I think I enabled this behavior and ultimate situation by not knowing how bad the problem was. I am a social drinker and would pick up a bottle of wine or whatever and bring it into the house. If I had known I would not have done that. I want to support him and help him so much. I want to be able to make it all better. I just have no idea where to start or what to do or what I can change about me that might make this easier.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

For years I kept things from family and friends out of embarrassment until one day he really did it and the police called everyone in his phone! A strip club called the police on his drunk ass for being belligerent or something and the cops called everyone at 5am. I could no longer cover stuff up. I also called his mother since the cops had called her..Ud think she would call me to ask what happened, instead when I explained it to her, she said..."That's fine, just let him sleep it off." The apple does not fall far from the tree in that family!

I sort of felt sorry for him, even though I have been the victim of so much of his crap. and I have run out of patience. I have given him years of my life and I don't want to be anyone's babysitter. I am only 27, He is 30. 

I dont think that what you are doing is whining. Since I discovered this site I have posted a bunch of things because It helps to know that I am not crazy. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I am crazy. 
In my house I have the same issue too, he will only admit to the things I have proof of. 

I too live nowhere near people I know. We moved to this town bc his family lives around here. I lived elsewhere and let me tell you, it's not easy. He used it to his advantage many times.


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## NeedHelpPlease

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> For years I kept things from family and friends out of embarrassment until one day he really did it and the police called everyone in his phone! A strip club called the police on his drunk ass for being belligerent or something and the cops called everyone at 5am. I could no longer cover stuff up. I also called his mother since the cops had called her..Ud think she would call me to ask what happened, instead when I explained it to her, she said..."That's fine, just let him sleep it off." The apple does not fall far from the tree in that family!
> 
> I sort of felt sorry for him, even though I have been the victim of so much of his crap. and I have run out of patience. I have given him years of my life and I don't want to be anyone's babysitter. I am only 27, He is 30.
> 
> I dont think that what you are doing is whining. Since I discovered this site I have posted a bunch of things because It helps to know that I am not crazy. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I am crazy.
> In my house I have the same issue too, he will only admit to the things I have proof of.
> 
> I too live nowhere near people I know. We moved to this town bc his family lives around here. I lived elsewhere and let me tell you, it's not easy. He used it to his advantage many times.


Wow- I am sending positive thoughts your way. At least my H and I are both away from our families so there is no ganging up. Not that anything here is funny- but when I read about his family saying just let him sleep it off after the cops got him it made me grin a little because that is exactly what my inlaws would have said. I think I never realized before how much a family and a family attitude really molds a person and warps their sense of right and wrong. 

Right now I am more upset about my husband losing his job than he is- and not only because of the money. He had a job that was perfect geographically and it was a great company with great benefits. He's just like-hey what's the biggie I'll get another job. But I know it will be a crappy job with no benefits and not a forever job that he enjoys.


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Last night I asked him to leave and to decide what he wanted out of our possessions- I actually told him take everything but the dogs. He said- "No". Today he acts like he doesn't remember the conversation. If I try to bring it back up he just says non-commital things like "right" and "okay". He says he'll go to AA if he finds a group he "likes" but I don't think he has even looked for one. He did make an appointment today to see a doctor about the issue and getting on a medication that makes him sick if he drinks. The problem is when he's drinking there is just no point in having a conversation. When he's sober he's the guy I love. If I push it, then he drinks and becomes the guy I didn't even know was in there.
> 
> I even thought of getting him a one way ticket to see his family and telling him not to come back until he has his crap together and the money to buy the return ticket. But I think that would make me a crappy wife. First I think I enabled this behavior and ultimate situation by not knowing how bad the problem was. I am a social drinker and would pick up a bottle of wine or whatever and bring it into the house. If I had known I would not have done that. I want to support him and help him so much. I want to be able to make it all better. I just have no idea where to start or what to do or what I can change about me that might make this easier.


Hi there,

I drank really heavily for a period of about 5 years. I'm not going to call myself an addict, an alcoholic or certainly not diseased. I don't believe that is a disease. That's a cop out IMO and allows the drinker an excuse. I still drink, but learned to do it in moderation. That is not an easy task and is not for everybody. Years of AA and counseling did not work for me.

Controlled Drinking: Controversial Alternative to AA | LiveScience

Don't ever think that YOU are doing something wrong. Don't blame yourself for anything at all. You did not enable him by bringing alcohol into the house. It's absolutely his fault, his problem and his issue to get over. He knows it too. To this day, I have no idea why I drank like that. The only thing I can think of is that I was self medicating thinking I was reducing stress. In reality, it caused me more. Much much more. My poor wife. She went through hell and back.

A few suggestions,

-Put your foot down and tell him to quit or it's over. It got my attention in a hurry! I think the one way ticket is a good idea providing that his family aren't drinkers.

-If you choose to have him stay, go with him to the meetings/appointments. It's eye opening and you want to make sure he attends.

-Don't ever talk to him when he's drunk. Drunks can be very unpredictable and he won't remember anyways.

-If you can get him to commit, get rid of every drop of booze in the house. It's just too easy to fall down if it's right in front of your face.

Do you have any idea how much he's drinking? The withdrawal symptoms can be very serious and he may need to go into a treatment center. Do you know how long he's been doing this?

Best,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I drank really heavily for a period of about 5 years. I'm not going to call myself an addict, an alcoholic or certainly not diseased. I don't believe that is a disease. That's a cop out IMO and allows the drinker an excuse. I still drink, but learned to do it in moderation. That is not an easy task and is not for everybody. Years of AA and counseling did not work for me.
> 
> Controlled Drinking: Controversial Alternative to AA | LiveScience
> 
> Don't ever think that YOU are doing something wrong. Don't blame yourself for anything at all. You did not enable him by bringing alcohol into the house. It's absolutely his fault, his problem and his issue to get over. He knows it too. To this day, I have no idea why I drank like that. The only thing I can think of is that I was self medicating thinking I was reducing stress. In reality, it caused me more. Much much more. My poor wife. She went through hell and back.
> 
> A few suggestions,
> 
> -Put your foot down and tell him to quit or it's over. It got my attention in a hurry! I think the one way ticket is a good idea providing that his family aren't drinkers.
> 
> -If you choose to have him stay, go with him to the meetings/appointments. It's eye opening and you want to make sure he attends.
> 
> -Don't ever talk to him when he's drunk. Drunks can be very unpredictable and he won't remember anyways.
> 
> -If you can get him to commit, get rid of every drop of booze in the house. It's just too easy to fall down if it's right in front of your face.
> 
> Do you have any idea how much he's drinking? The withdrawal symptoms can be very serious and he may need to go into a treatment center. Do you know how long he's been doing this?
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


Thank you- this is all great information. Especially the part about not talking to him when he's drunk. We just fight and I get sad and upset and I do remember everything that was said and will continue to be hurt by it while he gets a clean slate of memory every morning.

Here's the thing about the amount he is drinking- I don't have any idea. I knew he was drinking a lot- probably five shots and the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night. But he's been hiding bottles from me of liquor so I really don't know how much. I know it's a lot. The signs were all there and I have been believing every one of his lies. He normally can't lie to save his life- but with me he has it down pat. I think he's been sneaking more shots at night and on weekend days. Now I have found out that he's been drinking during the day- not just weekends. He says it's only a half a glass of wine to get him going- but I can't let myself believe that because everything else is so warped. I actually thought for a while he had some neurological disorder because he would seem out of it or not quite right- now I think he had actually been sneaking drinks during those times.

Right now he's in that sorry stage- but I know if I just shrug it off we will be right back to square one- and now knowing how bad it is I can't watch someone I love do this physically to their own body.

He has never been violent or anything- except he had really bad dreams when he got back from Iraq. But a few weeks ago I stormed out over an argument while he was drinking and he busted up his hand punching a wall.

He is saying "I know I have to do something" and "I need help" (but I am the only one actually pushing us in that direction). I have finally told him yes he does need to make a change and he does need to get help because it's either that or the marriage is done. I love him so much but I can't sit by anymore and watch this behavior chip away at what was once a beautiful loving relationship. Sorry for whining and venting some more- this is the first time I have actually been able to express all of this and there is a ton of it stuffed deep down inside my soul.


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Thank you- this is all great information. Especially the part about not talking to him when he's drunk. We just fight and I get sad and upset and I do remember everything that was said and will continue to be hurt by it while he gets a clean slate of memory every morning.
> 
> Here's the thing about the amount he is drinking- I don't have any idea. I knew he was drinking a lot- probably five shots and the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night. But he's been hiding bottles from me of liquor so I really don't know how much. I know it's a lot. The signs were all there and I have been believing every one of his lies. He normally can't lie to save his life- but with me he has it down pat. I think he's been sneaking more shots at night and on weekend days. Now I have found out that he's been drinking during the day- not just weekends. He says it's only a half a glass of wine to get him going- but I can't let myself believe that because everything else is so warped. I actually thought for a while he had some neurological disorder because he would seem out of it or not quite right- now I think he had actually been sneaking drinks during those times.
> 
> Right now he's in that sorry stage- but I know if I just shrug it off we will be right back to square one- and now knowing how bad it is I can't watch someone I love do this physically to their own body.
> 
> He has never been violent or anything- except he had really bad dreams when he got back from Iraq. But a few weeks ago I stormed out over an argument while he was drinking and he busted up his hand punching a wall.
> 
> He is saying "I know I have to do something" and "I need help" (but I am the only one actually pushing us in that direction). I have finally told him yes he does need to make a change and he does need to get help because it's either that or the marriage is done. I love him so much but I can't sit by anymore and watch this behavior chip away at what was once a beautiful loving relationship. Sorry for whining and venting some more- this is the first time I have actually been able to express all of this and there is a ton of it stuffed deep down inside my soul.


First of all, you are not whining. Don't ever think that. I was on the giving end and my wife was the victim during all of this. If he's drinking that heavily, I would take him to rehab. They know what to do when the withdrawals kick in. If they get bad enough, he will be hospitalized for a short time. I think that's what stops me from ever crossing that line again. They were horrible! That and I don't want to loose my marriage over something so stupid. Punching a wall is the first sign of violence. Avoid talking to him at all or getting into any major discussions. Boy, this is bringing back some ugly memories. The ones I CAN remember anyways...

You could look into a local rehab center and see what you can find. You could get him in the car one day and drop him off. Don't tell him where you're going. Tell him how much you love him and want him better, when you get there. Reassure him that it's only 7-10 days. Some are 30 though. It may work or may not, but will def send him a message about how serious you are. Do it in the morning. That's when drunks are most vulnerable AND half assed sober. The sorry stage is the perfect time to do this. At least he is still having regrets. It was my wife that finally opened my eyes. I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her. 

Best,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> First of all, you are not whining. Don't ever think that. I was on the giving end and my wife was the victim during all of this. If he's drinking that heavily, I would take him to rehab. They know what to do when the withdrawals kick in. If they get bad enough, he will be hospitalized for a short time. I think that's what stops me from ever crossing that line again. They were horrible! That and I don't want to loose my marriage over something so stupid. Punching a wall is the first sign of violence. Avoid talking to him at all or getting into any major discussions. Boy, this is bringing back some ugly memories. The ones I CAN remember anyways...
> 
> You could look into a local rehab center and see what you can find. You could get him in the car one day and drop him off. Don't tell him where you're going. Tell him how much you love him and want him better, when you get there. Reassure him that it's only 7-10 days. Some are 30 though. It may work or may not, but will def send him a message about how serious you are. Do it in the morning. That's when drunks are most vulnerable AND half assed sober. The sorry stage is the perfect time to do this. At least he is still having regrets. It was my wife that finally opened my eyes. I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her.
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


Wow- this is really opening my eyes. I had no idea he would have to go to inhouse rehab. I thought he could take the alcohol makes him sick pill and go to counselling. I guess we will know more on Monday. I am going to take your advice and physically go with him to the Dr.


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Wow- this is really opening my eyes. I had no idea he would have to go to inhouse rehab. I thought he could take the alcohol makes him sick pill and go to counselling. I guess we will know more on Monday. I am going to take your advice and physically go with him to the Dr.


It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from wine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!

EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001769/


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from whine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!
> 
> EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.
> 
> Alcohol withdrawal - PubMed Health


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from whine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!
> 
> 
> Thank you again!!! I have been sharing a lot of this with H and he seems to finally start to see the light. He knows finally this is not going away this time. He is still lying to me but now I am calling him out in a non confrontational way every single time. He has also finally understood how serious I am in that he is asking if we will be ok if he goes with treatment. I told him I wasn't trying to be mean but I don't know and that is not the number one priority anymore. And he getting a job is not the number one priority. He getting treatment and us both changing our lifestyle and getting healthy individually is first. We will deal with the rest if we can both get to a healthy clear headed responsible place. We may not even know each other at that point and I don't know how we will be. I pray we can work us out, but we need to both be healthy before then.
> 
> For the longest time he and I have both blamed me for being an enabler so I need to get my head on straight too.
> 
> I am trying to hold it in but I have passed from frozen and stunned to really angry. I keep replaying all the lies and the damage. Damn- I say no violence but a year ago he had been "laid off" and all I wanted him to do was meet the plumber. He got so trashed that I had to come home early to meet the plumber. H met me at the top of the steps trashed with a hunting knife out pointed at my throat. How freakin stupid am I???? I am sooo mad. But I am more angry with myself than anything.
> 
> EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.
> 
> Alcohol withdrawal - PubMed Health


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

Nothing will change this weekend. It takes time... I'd wait until you both see the Doctor. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument over this while he's drinking. In time hun...

Best,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> Nothing will change this weekend. It takes time... I'd wait until you both see the Doctor. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument over this while he's drinking. In time hun...
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


Thank you so much again. I know I am posting too much. But we just now tried to have a discussion and he is ripped. He got so mad when I said we have to focus on each of us first and then see where we go. I tried to explain the thing with the knife and punching the wall. And I am trying so very hard to sound calm and not accusing and saying it is my fault too. He waivers between fake tears and then getting really mad at me. He is really mad right now because he keeps saying he loves me and asking if I believe him. And frankly I don't. I think he loves my income and my security net for him. I think he is mad because I frankly said that and I told him I love him for him. Truth be told I don't need him for his income. But I do love him. I am starting to see what a complete idiot I have been. I will pay for his rehab but at the end I don't know if we will have us anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> But we just now tried to have a discussion and he is ripped.


Your welcome,

I can't emphasis enough, don't talk to him when he's ripped, pissed, drunk or trashed. Leave it be for now PLEASE. As I said before, drunks are unpredictable and can be violent! He's got the point. Leave him be for now. This is huge for him!

In the morning remind him about the appointment on Monday and leave it alone for the rest of the day and night. . It doesn't matter if he gets trashed tomorrow. He probably will! Drag his a** to that appointment on Monday. Better yet, rehab.

Best of luck to you guys!

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> Your welcome,
> 
> I can't emphasis enough, don't talk to him when he's ripped, pissed, drunk or trashed. Leave it be for now PLEASE. As I said before, drunks are unpredictable and can be violent! He's got the point. Leave him be for now. This is huge for him!
> 
> In the morning remind him about the appointment on Monday and leave it alone for the rest of the day and night. . It doesn't matter if he gets trashed tomorrow. He probably will! Drag his a** to that appointment on Monday. Better yet, rehab.
> 
> Best of luck to you guys!
> 
> T


Thank you for being on here with me. I feel like I a in a living Hell right now. I just keep thinking of the Rodney Adkins song about walking through hell and doing it quickly and quietly before the Devil even knows you are there. I have gone through years of this crud and never realized what it was. He is being so passive aggressive. I have a very nasty dirty habit of smoking two cigs a night. All of a sudden he has smoked or thrown them out. He's saying he will walk or bike the mile to the store to get more to prove his love for me. Hell he can't even walk five feet straight and I don't need anything that bad. But who the hell throws out your two smokes just to be a drunken hero? Really????? And I was way before he and I met a two pack a day smoker. I just wanted one tonight and he thinks riding or walking a mile drunk will win me back and he can avoid rehab.

He can avoid rehab because that's all up to him. And smoking is gross and I can skip that. I am firmly into mad. Is that normal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

Today we went an event we had planned for months. I was driving of course now. He tried to pick a fight over of all things lines in the road and passing. At first I bit but then I realized he wasn't just being a jerk he'd been drinking this morning. I called him out on drinking and he finally admitted he was drinking this morning. After he promised over and over he would change and get help. Then he yelled at me for being a nag. I am over waiting for him to get help. I am just over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

I really don't have anything to add. You are getting very good advice.

Just want to let you know that I'm reading your posts and here to support you.

(((((((HUGS)))))))


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Today we went an event we had planned for months. I was driving of course now. He tried to pick a fight over of all things lines in the road and passing. At first I bit but then I realized he wasn't just being a jerk he'd been drinking this morning. I called him out on drinking and he finally admitted he was drinking this morning. After he promised over and over he would change and get help. Then he yelled at me for being a nag. I am over waiting for him to get help. I am just over it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know you're frustrated and angry, but I don't understand why you think he's going to change overnight. It's not going to happen until he see's a professional. Has it occurred to you that he can't stop even if he had all the best intentions in the world? If he is severely addicted he will need medical attention to get off of it. He's drinking in the morning and this is a sign of being severely addicted. There are many different levels of addiction. Drinking a 6 pack every night is addiction and may not require professional help to get off of it. Drinking a 6 pack before noon and another dozen throughout the day is an entirely different level of addiction...

Best,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> I know you're frustrated and angry, but I don't understand why you think he's going to change overnight. It's not going to happen until he see's a professional. Has it occurred to you that he can't stop even if he had all the best intentions in the world? If he is severely addicted he will need medical attention to get off of it. He's drinking in the morning and this is a sign of being severely addicted. There are many different levels of addiction. Drinking a 6 pack every night is addiction and may not require professional help to get off of it. Drinking a 6 pack before noon and another dozen throughout the day is an entirely different level of addiction...
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> I know you're frustrated and angry, but I don't understand why you think he's going to change overnight. It's not going to happen until he see's a professional. Has it occurred to you that he can't stop even if he had all the best intentions in the world? If he is severely addicted he will need medical attention to get off of it. He's drinking in the morning and this is a sign of being severely addicted. There are many different levels of addiction. Drinking a 6 pack every night is addiction and may not require professional help to get off of it. Drinking a 6 pack before noon and another dozen throughout the day is an entirely different level of addiction...
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


I didn't know he couldn't just stop and I was mad because I didn't understand that I was taking it personally. I thought everytime he snuck a drink he was thinking "f" my wife and "f" my marriage. I have very recently talk to two people I consider to be supreme experts in this area- because they have lived every single bit.

Now I know he can't change without medical help. Now I know he isn't doing this to hurt me. Now I know we can't "fix anything or anyone" but we can get on the path with the right help. Now I know a pill and counseling won't fix this.

I thank you all for your help and support. I am crying as I type this. No we dint have a fight. No he didn't get served divorce papers. I literally just left him (after a lot of discussion and a meeting of the hearts and minds) at a rehab facility. I can't see him and I can talk to him very little. I have to bring his clothes the tomorrow but won't be allowed to have contact. I am so sad but I feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Please send any positive feelings you can spare our way (prayers are welcome too!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> I didn't know he couldn't just stop and I was mad because I didn't understand that I was taking it personally. I thought everytime he snuck a drink he was thinking "f" my wife and "f" my marriage. I have very recently talk to two people I consider to be supreme experts in this area- because they have lived every single bit.
> 
> Now I know he can't change without medical help. Now I know he isn't doing this to hurt me. Now I know we can't "fix anything or anyone" but we can get on the path with the right help. Now I know a pill and counseling won't fix this.
> 
> I thank you all for your help and support. I am crying as I type this. No we dint have a fight. No he didn't get served divorce papers. I literally just left him (after a lot of discussion and a meeting of the hearts and minds) at a rehab facility. I can't see him and I can talk to him very little. I have to bring his clothes the tomorrow but won't be allowed to have contact. I am so sad but I feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Please send any positive feelings you can spare our way (prayers are welcome too!)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Positive feelings coming your way! 

I'm relieved that he's where he needs to be and you're where you need to be. I woke up Sunday and was wondering how you guys were making out. A little worried I must say. Sounds weird considering I don't even know you...I'm just familiar with the situation and can grasp what's going on. I give you BOTH great credit for getting started. It's a long road. The first bit will be the worst for both of you. You need to be a strong as you can! Get ready for a lot of begging for you to bring him home! He'll do anything to make this happen, but don't give in or it'll be the same sh*t over and over. Don't feel guilty, be strong and when he gets over the initial withdrawal his tune will change quickly. He'll be more positive and upbeat. It will still take time though. 

Best,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> Positive feelings coming your way!
> 
> I'm relieved that he's where he needs to be and you're where you need to be. I woke up Sunday and was wondering how you guys were making out. A little worried I must say. Sounds weird considering I don't even know you...I'm just familiar with the situation and can grasp what's going on. I give you BOTH great credit for getting started. It's a long road. The first bit will be the worst for both of you. You need to be a strong as you can! Get ready for a lot of begging for you to bring him home! He'll do anything to make this happen, but don't give in or it'll be the same sh*t over and over. Don't feel guilty, be strong and when he gets over the initial withdrawal his tune will change quickly. He'll be more positive and upbeat. It will still take time though.
> 
> Best,
> 
> T


Thank you- and I mean it with a big T and a big Y. I know if he tried to leave within 72 hours they will involuntarily commit. That freaked him out. Are you saying he might call me after that but before treatment is done and want me to come get him? I had never ever thought of that possibility. I should say no right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Thank you- and I mean it with a big T and a big Y. I know if he tried to leave within 72 hours they will involuntarily commit. That freaked him out. Are you saying he might call me after that but before treatment is done and want me to come get him? I had never ever thought of that possibility. I should say no right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Y*our *W*elcome!

The reason for the 72 hour commit is because he will be sick as a dog and will do ANYTHING to get out. Don't worry though, they'll do everything to make it as gentle as possible!

NO is your new word... NO you're not coming home until rehab is complete! NO we won't go out with your friends that drink! NO you will talk me into anything! NO if you want to continue with this marriage (his way) it's your way or the highway! NO you don't have access to my money! NO I will not enable you to continue drinking! NO if you abuse me or threaten me. NO to a roof over your head if you don't conform to all of the above. Etc, etc...

YOU are in the drivers seat right now. It takes an incredibly brave person to be able to do this! When and if he's able he'll start to contribute, you will know. You'll see major changes in his personality, if he can get clean. It's a long road...

Don't rush it, but you DEMAND an apology and deserve it! Also, recognition for bailing his a** out. Where would he be now if it wasn't for you? I will never forget what my wife did for me! It's nice to feel "normal" again. 

Cheers,

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T- will tell you when I read your post about how did I think he could just changed I got pissed and hurt. Then in the meantime I got some good old fashioned education. I made a call to somebody I have refused to talk to in twenty years. Things were that bad.

So again thank you.

You say I am in the drivers seat but frankly I am a crappy driver. Here is what I know. Ten years ago I could have been where he is. I am not a good influence. I am not saying I will pour vodka down his throat but he is damaged and I am damaged from completely different histories. I am getting help. For the first time in my life I admit I need it and it is scheduled and I am doing it. How can I expect him to go through this and come home to a trash bag of a wife- because I have enabled him so much in the past and I have let him keep his secrets.

His secrets (non alcohol) are very bad. But when I finally heard them I don't think he did a dang thing wrong. But I wasn't over there. My things are rotten but not about him. I have seen my own crap in the mil. How do I not hurt him with me? I am rambling and I know you don't have the answers and I don't expect you to.

I am just venting again. I love him so much and I think once he gets through this we will both be able to believe he loves me. But war does crazy stuff to people. How do I bring him back healthy and not ruin everything? Again no answers out there. Just upset and alone and not wanting to hurt him right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

PM sent.


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## T&T

Theloner said:


> I understand, I was that guy. My marriage ended after 20 Years. The only difference is I have always worked. I have never showed up to work drunk or have driven drunk. The only advise I can give you is to leave. He won't change, the demon has him. It also appears he is progressively worsening. My wife had enough and you no what, I don't blame her. I am a functioning alcoholic yet responsible, I am a father and a good provider. Instead of coddling up with my wife, I chose the bottle. Just beer but too much beer to often. God bless and peace be with you. Make a choice for you, not him.


He's in rehab and people can change. I did...Have you tried rehab?

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> He's in rehab and people can change. I did...Have you tried rehab?
> 
> T


 Thank you T! And I am in a different place today. I hope he is getting there too. The folks who finally got us on track have a 38 year marriage. He has been sober 33 of those. I'm starting to believe. H was so scared going into that place but I could see it in his eyes that he was more afraid not to. I'm also learning there is no real thing as a functioning alcoholic. Some people are just slicker about it, hide it better, get cut more slack and frankly may not the same separate issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

Good to hear! Keep us posted. 

T


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## NeedHelpPlease

T&T said:


> Good to hear! Keep us posted.
> 
> T


I called his boss who fired him today. Know the guy thought he was getting an angry call. Instead I thanked him. H had wanted to thank him too. Instead of telling me H was a dirtbag his boss almost broke down in tears. He said they had tried to help him so much. More new news to my ears. That being said I believe people are good and if H can stay on track we will have a much better life ahead. I felt so bad for his boss- I think he was going into his holidays with guilt. I am so glad I talked to him and I think H will want to eventually too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

Well things seem to be going better for H. He entered and finished inpatient treatment. Somehow they screwed up and released him then said he had to wait over a week to start outpatient. He seems to be doing ok with meetings and the meds and everything.

I don't know why I don't feel happy. I am relieved he is getting help. But part of me is still mad- I am worried about our future and mortgage and marriage and he just gets to worried about meetings and reading the book and hitting the gym and making new friends/peers. I know that sounds so wrong, but if you were living it you would understand. He has all of these resources here for him and he is not even here for me a tiny bit. I feel like I am doing everything and he still expects me to treat him with kid gloves- drive him, find his stuff for him, procure the meals, accommodate his preferred sleeping schedule (wait-I'm the one who has to get up at 5:30 for work!). I feel like I am really being taken advantage of.

How do spouses in this situation stay positive and supportive and not end up just freakin' bitter? I think he's planning on a longer absence from looking for a job than necessary just to "get back on his feet" and he expects me to pay all of his medical bills while he refuses to sell even one of his many man "toys" he doesn't even use (unused tools, paint ball gun sets, video games, weapons, electronics). Not that he has a ton, but I am consigning my clothes for G's sake. I am selling off tickets for shows and concerts we had already bought. I am canceling a long needed trip away with my family to help cover everything. I can afford me and the house and the car and our dogs- except for surgeries they need. But I absolutely cannot cover paying for his food, gas, medical bills, new day planners and calendars that he now desparately needs (really?), car insurance, cell phone etc. 

Maybe I am just not cut out to be the supportive spouse type. But I can't sleep at night, I am barely functional during the day, and I have this terrible terrible terrible fear about what if this is all just for nothing and as soon as it's time for work we go back to the way things were. Or what if he messes up during outpatient and I'm stuck with the whole bill and not just the hefty deductable. 

I feel like an emotional yoyo. One minute I want to find him a heart felt get well/ I am proud of you card. The next I want to fill out divorce papers. Sorry venting again. I don't know why I thought treatment would make everything better.


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## NeedHelpPlease

NeedHelpPlease said:


> Well things seem to be going better for H. He entered and finished inpatient treatment. Somehow they screwed up and released him then said he had to wait over a week to start outpatient. He seems to be doing ok with meetings and the meds and everything.
> 
> I don't know why I don't feel happy. I am relieved he is getting help. But part of me is still mad- I am worried about our future and mortgage and marriage and he just gets to worried about meetings and reading the book and hitting the gym and making new friends/peers. I know that sounds so wrong, but if you were living it you would understand. He has all of these resources here for him and he is not even here for me a tiny bit. I feel like I am doing everything and he still expects me to treat him with kid gloves- drive him, find his stuff for him, procure the meals, accommodate his preferred sleeping schedule (wait-I'm the one who has to get up at 5:30 for work!). I feel like I am really being taken advantage of.
> 
> How do spouses in this situation stay positive and supportive and not end up just freakin' bitter? I think he's planning on a longer absence from looking for a job than necessary just to "get back on his feet" and he expects me to pay all of his medical bills while he refuses to sell even one of his many man "toys" he doesn't even use (unused tools, paint ball gun sets, video games, weapons, electronics). Not that he has a ton, but I am consigning my clothes for G's sake. I am selling off tickets for shows and concerts we had already bought. I am canceling a long needed trip away with my family to help cover everything. I can afford me and the house and the car and our dogs- except for surgeries they need. But I absolutely cannot cover paying for his food, gas, medical bills, new day planners and calendars that he now desparately needs (really?), car insurance, cell phone etc.
> 
> Maybe I am just not cut out to be the supportive spouse type. But I can't sleep at night, I am barely functional during the day, and I have this terrible terrible terrible fear about what if this is all just for nothing and as soon as it's time for work we go back to the way things were. Or what if he messes up during outpatient and I'm stuck with the whole bill and not just the hefty deductable.
> 
> I feel like an emotional yoyo. One minute I want to find him a heart felt get well/ I am proud of you card. The next I want to fill out divorce papers. Sorry venting again. I don't know why I thought treatment would make everything better.


And I know I am being really selfish- before anyone has to point that out. This isn't the first time in this cycle now- I just didn't recognize it before and he didn't go to treatment before. But everytime he gets a job after he has sponged off me for a while everything is great until he gets sick of work then the attendance problems start and then things worse than I never knew before then I'm stuck supporting everything and getting behind again (and just hoping not to go under). I am just praying it really was an illness and that he is finding treatment, if not a cure, and that I am not just being totally scammed. Not that I want him to be sick- I can't say anything righ. I just hope and pray this works out.


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## Freak On a Leash

*Been there, done this..*

Let me tell you my story. Maybe it'll give you an idea of what you may be in for. 


First, let me say how much I feel for you. 2.5 years ago I was you. I was married for almost 25 years to a hard working, decent man who was a great father to my our 2 kids. I had many things in my own past that I was ashamed of and had to answer for in my marriage and relationship with my husband. For 10 long years I lived my own personal hell before I came out of it a better person. My husband and I had always had a rocky marriage but in 2008 we started to put things together and build a new relationship. For awhile it seemed to be working..

In the summer of 2010 all that changed. My husband decided to just stop working in our family business. I watched him blow off clientele and bring ruination to our business. Finally he just stopped going to work completely. 

We'd always enjoyed social drinking together. We loved going to clubs and seeing bands and drinking but if anything, I was the big drinker. Since the time we were teenagers he would be the one to drive me home when I was sloshed. 

All that changed that summer. Like you, I had no idea he was drinking. He complained of feeling anxiety and stress and I got him to see my doctor, who prescribed some medication for him. But that was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. He started drinking in attempt to self medicate and then because he just liked doing it..and then he was hooked. 

Alcoholism runs in his family. His older brother is one and his grandmother was one. Now it was his turn. It went from casual drinking to constant. Like your husband, he tried to hide it at first but then he became quite open about the fact that he was constantly drinking. He would sit on our porch and drink and drink. He would lie at first that he was at work but then the customers would call asking where he was and I would go home and there he would be. Once I found him passed out in our bedroom. Another time in the basement. I hid case of beer that a friend gave me and sure enough he found it and drank it all in one sitting. 

I begged and pleaded with him to go the hospital. I drove him there but he refused to get out of the car. Next time he got out of the car and he refused to go into the hospital. But one night he got so sick he finally agreed. So he went into rehab. They kept him there a week. The detoxed him, which is indeed physically painful because they had to medicate him and physically get the alcohol out of his system in a proper manner. He went through acute withdrawal just like any other addict. 

I visited him every day and at the end of his visit he promised that things would get better. 

For maybe 6 weeks things did get better. He went back to work, he told me he was seeing a counselor. Then his father got sick and he fell apart again. He would tell me he was going to see his father at the hospital. What he did was go to his father's empty house and drink. Yep, despite the detox and the rehab it all started again. He stopped work, started hiding the liquor..It all started again. 

Why? Well, it didn't help that he refused to go to AA or do any real therapy. As far as he was concerned, he was "fine". But he wasn't. It got worse and worse. He and I started fighting. It didn't help to avoid talking to him when he was drunk..He was ALWAYS drunk. 

He lied, he blamed everyone else for his problems. He picked fights with me for no reason and seemed to enjoy watching me get angry and upset. After a huge fight I started cutting myself in my misery and my daughter saw me and called the police. That got child protective services involved and we were told to go a drug test separately. Mine went fine without any issues and I answered all their questions truthfully and openly. 

Unfortunately, my husband went to the drug test at 8 am in the morning completely drunk. He had to take another test and again failed and was told he had to go rehab. At first he agreed but when the time came to go he refused. That's when I was told that he had to get out of the house and away from the kids or our kids would be taken away. The choice was clear: The kids in foster care wasn't going to happen. I told him to get out. He packed up and went to his father's house. That was November 30, 2010. 2 years ago..

Believe it or not, it was the best thing that happened in all this mess. My husband went to stay with his father, who was getting out of the hospital after hip surgery. I felt tons better not having him the house and so did the kids. I still remember the day I came home from work and he wasn't there on the porch drinking. I didn't have to cringe at the sound of his unsteady steps coming up the steps, wondering what the heck would happen next. 

As it was, my husband had emptied out our savings account and I was left picking up the pieces of our lives. He cancelled out cell phones and I got those replaced. Fortunately everything else was in my name. I had to pay the back rent, the overdue bills and fix the checks bounced. He left us with a real mess. 

I fixed it all. I took what was left of his clientele and made them my own. I worked 12 hour days and I decided we couldn't stay in the old rental house we were living in. My daughter and I went looking for apartments in the district she was going to high school in. I found a nice, 2BR townhouse apartment and moved myself and my kids into it. I did it all myself. My husband paid for the movers and bought me a futon but other than that it was all on me. 

My husband sat in his father's house and drank and patted himself on the back, telling himself what a great son he was because he was taking care of his father and what a great husband and father he was because he was paying our health insurance. That made him feel better about living off his father and abandoning his family. Alcoholics are great at rationalizing stuff. 

Then, in January 2011 his 90 year old father died in his sleep one night and left him with a substantial amount of money. Now he didn't HAVE to work, he was living in his father's house and bought himself a fishing boat and he could continue to drink and drink and drink as much as he wanted..and he did just that. 

He was so drunk that he couldn't plan his father's funeral. I did it for him. He was so drunk he didn't attend his father's wake. I went there for him. He wouldn't have been at the funeral service if it hadn't been for me physically driving to his house and picking him up. He stumbled out the front door dressed in clothes two sizes too big clutching a glass filled with rum and coke and somehow managed to heave himself into the front seat of our car. That's how he went to his father's funeral...A drunken slob of a man who could barely stand up and walk clutching his booze. 

Amazingly enough, in March, 2011, he stopped drinking, bought my 17 year old daughter a new car in an attempt to get her to start talking to him again and told everyone what a wonderful father he was. Now whenever anyone questions how' hes he treated his kids he points to that car and says "I'm the best dad ever". As far as he's concerned that one act absolves him of any blame or condemnation for his actions.

Too bad every time my daughter acts in a way that displeased him he has threatened to take that car away. This past summer, when she graduated from high school, I brought up buying her a graduation gift. He pointed to that car and told her that was his gift to her and she was ungrateful and spoiled to expect anything more. Never mind that he bought it over a year earlier! 

I have half jokingly say to her that she'd better take good care of that car because that'll be his wedding present to her too. 

End result: He has completely destroyed and alienated my older daughter. He dismisses a young woman who graduated top of her class, has worked since she was 14, is a youth leader in her church and puts herself through college as a "spoiled brat." Somehow he has managed to keep a relationship with our son but I often wonder how long that's going to last. 

In the summer of 2011 he started drinking again. He was drinking a quart of rum a day..sitting on his father's porch for hours, staring into the great beyond, gazing at nothing. He would sit out there from 5 am in the morning throughout the day and into the evening when he would then pass out on the couch. 

Believe it or not he somehow he managed to take his new 22 foot fishing boat up to Lake George every other week during that summer. He's actually a very functional drunk when he's motivated. He would call me from his boat in and tell me what a great time he was having fishing and hanging out with his buddies. 

There I'd be in my work truck sweating my butt off in the heat, working 12 hours and listening to this. I cannot even begin to describe the anger and contempt I felt for him. Not only did he not work but he had a ton of money to piss away and he felt no guilt or remorse about what he'd put everyone throught. On top of that he felt the need to rub it in. 

I won't even go into the emotional and verbal abuse that man put me through during this time. All I know is that there might've been a slim hope that he'd come around, that we'd share a life together. That he'd get it together at some point...I don't know where my head was at. Sitting here now I can't believe I felt the way I did about him. It's like looking back through a fog and not believing what you are seeing. 

I'd go over to his house and he's be sitting in pool of his own vomit and blood on the porch. His house was a complete wreck. I'd clean it up for him and pay his bills, buy him food and even bought him rum and cigarettes. It seemed senseless to argue with him. 

One time he relieved himself sitting on the couch and I cleaned that up and took him into the shower and washed him as he sat on the same bench his father used to use in the shower because he was too drunk and sick to stand up on his own. 

I would beg him to go the hospital and he would refuse saying he wasn't going "back to that place to die". Then, in the fall of 2011 he told me that he had pancreatic cancer..had it since the spring of 2010 and it stemmed from the pancreatitis that he had in 1997..and he had tumors growing on his pancreas. He told me the reason his legs had swelled up and he couldn't walk was because the cancer had spread to his bones and that he had done weeks of chemotherapy and no one had known about this but his dead father. 

I was blown away. First, I did ALL his scheduling at that point for work and as far as I could see, until the summer of 2010 he worked every day. I did remember him having a bad backache the past April but he never mentioned anything about it. 

Chemotherapy? He had all his hair. He told me that the kind he had he didn't lose his hair. He then went on to call his friends over and tell THEM that he had cancer as well as telling me to bring over the kids and tell them as well. He went into along tirade about who was getting his money and how he was going to leave his money to our son because me and my daughter couldn't be trusted. I didn't know WHAT to think. 

Here was a man clearly looking for sympathy and hero worship and seemed willing to do whatever it took to get it. Or did he really have cancer and that was the reason for his break down? Or was it the drinking and depression that caused him to "make up" a disease. I did some checking around his house and didn't find a scrap of evidence, no medical bills, no notes, no nothing. I was the administrator for our health insurance and I never heard or saw anything cancer related. I smelled a rat. 

A week after telling me this he could barely walk because his legs were so swollen and was drinking a quart or more of rum a day. He got so sick he checked himself into a hospital. When I mentioned to the doctors about his "cancer" they said they had no record of any such thing. and one said "he doesn't LOOK like he has cancer." My husband quickly said that he did an "experimental treatment at the University of Penn". 

This time he was there for 3 weeks in detox. The doctors told him point blank that he had so damaged his esophogus that if he drank he could bleed to death and die. He had blood clots so bad that his legs were swelled up and he couldn't walk. 


he got so sick he checked himself into a hospital. This time he was there for 3 weeks in detox. The doctors told him point blank that he had so damaged his esophogus that if he drank he could bleed to death and die. He had blood clots so bad that his legs were swelled up and he couldn't walk. 

They sent him to rehab two weeks after just so he could learn to walk again. There he was, a 51 year old man surrounded by people in their 70s and 80s in their walkers and wheelchairs. The woman behind the desk thought I was his daughter! He aged 10-15 years in the past 2. 

You'd think that would've convinced him, huh? They told him he'd DIE if he drank. For awhile it looked like things would get better. He sold his father's house and begged me to move in with him. He said it was "stupid" for us to live apart, to have more than one place. My son chose to go live with him and he got a nice apartment in an even better school system than the one I live in.

For awhile it looked like things were getting better. He even started working again. I would give him the numbers of customers I couldn't do and he would take it from there. I refused to book or talk to any of his customers..he was on his own there. 

But I refused to move in with him. I love living on my own. Plus, I didn't trust him at all, especially when he'd go on about how we should combine our incomes. I told him that maybe in a few years, after the kids graduate I'd see where we were at and "discuss it" just the placate him but deep down I wanted nothing to do with combining our incomes, even when he told me that he'd give me some of his savings, assuming we combine our bank accounts. Not going to happen. 

I still had memories of a rocky marriage and a lot of mental abuse even before he drank. I didn't want to go back to that and I didn't trust him. I like my life just the way it is now, even if I have to work harder as a result. Turns out tht was the best decision I ever made. 

By late summer he was back to drinking heavily. At first he tried to hide it but I could smell it when we'd get together. Then he started drinking beer openly in front of me when we went out for a meal but hid it from my son. I reminded him what the doctors said and his rationale was "It's not rum, just beer." 

Then I noticed he was drinking all the time. He drank beer in his coffee cup in the morning. He drank while we were kayaking with friends. I'm sure now he's stepped it up to the hard liquor. He doesn't even care how it affected the kids. He ordered rum and coke when we all went out for lunch last month and when my kids protested he told them to shut up about it because he was the one shelling out $100 for them to eat. 

That killed it for my daughter. For awhile things actually got a bit better over the summer. We actually had the best vacation as a family we'd had in years when we all went camping together.

But now he's back to drinking as much as he ever did. He couldn't cook Thanksgiving dinner as he promised he would. Last year he did Thanksgiving and I did Christmas. Not this year. He couldn't even clean up his apartment, couldn't cook. He told us dinner would be ready at 3pm and I went over at 1:30 and he mumbled something about the oven not working and he felt sick. 

So I gathered up all the food and brought it back to my apartment and my daughter and I cooked the meal. We didn't eat Thanksgiving dinner til almost 9pm. Yep, that's life with a drunk. Another promise broken, another weekend, familty gathering and holiday ruined. 

Needless to say I'm doing Christmas. I will never trust my husband with another holiday again. 

It's pitiful. He keeps trying to push himself on me. Maybe he knows now that my feelings have shifted over the past year. He calls and says he wants to spend time with me, sends me flowers and is probably the nicest he's been to me in years. He even wants to have sex with me after pushing me away for years. 

Me? I don't care anymore. I don't hate him, I don't love him. I just avoid him when I can and am glad to be living away from him. When we spend time together he spends most of the time in his car, drinking beer or whatever and smoking. Then he falls asleep on the couch watching TV. 

He doesn't work. He doesn't even try to pretend to anymore. He tried that charade this past summer. He bought new equipment and booked some customers and worked a few half days here and there but as soon as it got to be too much he stopped. I didn't even allow myself to get involved this time. I picked up a few of his customers that called me and told them he was "too sick to work" and now I just tell anyone who asks that he is no longer working. 


So he's just pissing away the day doing whatever. Sitting in the back of his apartment or on his boat where it's sitting on a the trailer in the boatyard drinking I supposed. I don't ask. If I think too much or too hard about it I get angry. Mostly because he's wasted all the money his father left him. I can't touch it because inherited wealth isn't community property. It's his to piss away.

I'm just glad he pays the health insurance. Mostly because he needs it too. I can't afford to pay it myself. It's really the only thing he pays that I need. I pay for everything else myself. He doesn't give a dime to my daughter. Except to buy her the car of course. I pay the insurance for it. 

Oh, and my husband still won't go to AA or get therapy. He now tells us that since he pays our $1700/month health insurance bill and bought my daughter a car and pays for my son's braces we should all "Leave him alone and accept him the way he is." 

My son keeps hoping he'll get better. My daughter says the father she loved is dead and gone. I just take what I can from whatever relationship is left. I need to deal with my husband because of my son and because he pays the health insurance but I see a day in the not so distant future when I will be making some drastic changes in my life and he won't be a part of it anymore. I'm basically just biding my time. 

What I can say, is that no thanks to him, I am now happier and more adjusted and content living on my own then I was with him. I guess in a strange, roundabout way I should be glad he started drinking because it was that situation which led to my finally getting away from the verbal and emotional abuse that I got from him for over 20 years. For so many years I dreamed and prayed and looked forward to the day I could leave. But I never had the nerve to do so.

Finally, when push came to shove, when the proverbial sh!t really hit the fan and I had no choice but to sink or swim, I found the inner strength I needed to do what needed to be done. But it wasn't an easy path by any means. 

All I can say to you is this: Be prepared for a long and bumpy ride regardless of where you end up. I can tell by reading all you've wrote is that your husband is in complete and utter denial. You are still blaming yourself and hoping against hope that he'll change back to the man he once was. Chances are it won't happen. He is what he is. He is an alcoholic. There's no return from that. There's either letting it ruin your life or living life in spite of it. 

My husband was right about one thing: We needed to leave him alone and accept him the way he is. Now that we've done that we can truly get on to living our lives. I can honestly say that despite all the horrible stuff that happened that I'm in a far better place. 

As for your husband, you had the right idea about buying him a ticket to visit his family and telling him to not to come back. I highly recommend that you do that. If he doesn't leave, you should. It'll either do one or two things: It'll wake him up to reality or it will get you away from him so you can realize what it is YOU want out of YOUR life. 

Save yourself because you can't save him. He's the only one who can save him. 

Remember that no one can lie as well as an alcoholic. No one is more selfish and self centered. No one can make more excuses. There is no greater con artist on this Earth than an alcoholic. 

I wish you the best of luck but I don't hold out much hope for you. I don't know if you have any kids or not. I hope not. If you don't then consider yourself lucky and you have an even better reason for leaving and living on your own. Best of luck.


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## Freak On a Leash

Theloner said:


> The only advise I can give you is to leave. He won't change, the demon has him. It also appears he is progressively worsening. My wife had enough and you no what, I don't blame her. I am a functioning alcoholic yet responsible, I am a father and a good provider. Instead of coddling up with my wife, I chose the bottle. Just beer but too much beer to often. God bless and peace be with you. Make a choice for you, not him.


Pretty much sums up how I feel. But only you can make your choices, make your own conclusions. Unfortunately it's often a hard, lonely journey that you alone are on and in the end, your decision must and will be yours alone. 

But you aren't alone in that there are many who have gone through this and are in the same situation as you are. I'm surprised no one has mentioned Al-anon to you. I tried it and it wasn't for me but you might find it worth looking into. 

Just knowing that there are others out there in the same situation is a good thing in any case,


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## NeedHelpPlease

So we are now 6 weeks into treatment for him and he seems to be doing well. I am not. I am the person left with all the bills etc. Tonight I had a full blown anxiety attack. I have amedical condition and it was brought about when I brought up going back to work to him and he got very very angry. He stepped right over me and said this was my problem to deal with- I bought the house not him. But he doesn't mind driving the cars that I pay insurance and gas for and doesn't mind using the cell phone I pay for and doesn't mind living under the roof I pay for. Yes I do think I am a moron. He's right I should probably leave him all my life insurance for being this stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> So we are now 6 weeks into treatment for him and he seems to be doing well. I am not. I am the person left with all the bills etc. Tonight I had a full blown anxiety attack. I have amedical condition and it was brought about when I brought up going back to work to him and he got very very angry. He stepped right over me and said this was my problem to deal with- I bought the house not him. But he doesn't mind driving the cars that I pay insurance and gas for and doesn't mind using the cell phone I pay for and doesn't mind living under the roof I pay for. Yes I do think I am a moron. He's right I should probably leave him all my life insurance for being this stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he's not willing to go back to work and pitch in, I would kick him to the curb. I can't tolerate laziness though...


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## endlessgrief

Darling, you don't need to worry about losing your marriage, because you don't have a marriage. A marriage takes the work of TWO people. One person does not make a marriage. I found this out the hard way.

Everything you feel is all of those pent up feelings you pushed down for years and years bubbling to the surface. This is no way to live, but you know that. I know it's scary and I am glad you found us because you gotta get that poison out of your brain. We will listen to you here. We do not judge you here. We understand because we are all living in this hell of our own making. I say OUR OWN MAKING because I saw the signs when I started dating him but ignored it. 

If I could go back, I would have NEVER continued our relationship and I certainly would have never married him. I didn't even get a "wedding night" because he was too drunk to have sex. I was even alone at our wedding reception. I went to all the tables and socialized with our guests and my new H stood by the bar with his buddies doing shots all night. And it's been downhill ever since.

Who ever coined the phrase LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL deserves a slap in the mouth.


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## Freak On a Leash

T&T said:


> If he's not willing to go back to work and pitch in, I would kick him to the curb. I can't tolerate laziness though...


:iagree:

Here's the rest of my story. :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html


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## NeedHelpPlease

endlessgrief said:


> Darling, you don't need to worry about losing your marriage, because you don't have a marriage. A marriage takes the work of TWO people. One person does not make a marriage. I found this out the hard way.
> 
> Everything you feel is all of those pent up feelings you pushed down for years and years bubbling to the surface. This is no way to live, but you know that. I know it's scary and I am glad you found us because you gotta get that poison out of your brain. We will listen to you here. We do not judge you here. We understand because we are all living in this hell of our own making. I say OUR OWN MAKING because I saw the signs when I started dating him but ignored it.
> 
> If I could go back, I would have NEVER continued our relationship and I certainly would have never married him. I didn't even get a "wedding night" because he was too drunk to have sex. I was even alone at our wedding reception. I went to all the tables and socialized with our guests and my new H stood by the bar with his buddies doing shots all night. And it's been downhill ever since.
> 
> Who ever coined the phrase LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL deserves a slap in the mouth.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

I want to thank everyone who has helped me on here. These are things I can't talk abot with my family or friends. But surely there is some hope. I have learned on my own that one person can't make a relationship go bad. It takes at least two. And my DH is trying very hard. I just have a lot of trust issues to get past. I am not taking all the blame but I see now that I did enable even though I didn't know it. And frankly my issues are getting in the way of us healing because I have no trust. And sometimes I am so numb to his feelings when I am trying to figure out the mortgage or car payment. I should be so supportive and so much of the time I am angry and scared. He is trying. I should try harder...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

NeedHelpPlease said:


> And my DH is trying very hard.


What else is he doing besides staying clean?


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## Freak On a Leash

NeedHelpPlease said:


> But surely there is some hope. I have learned on my own that one person can't make a relationship go bad. It takes at least two.


Wrong. When it comes to an alcoholic there IS the possibility of no hope. Be prepared for that. 

And YES, when it comes to an alcoholic ONE person CAN make a relationship go bad. It is ALL UP TO HIM. Only HE can stop it and ONLY he can accept the blame and change. 

You REALLY need to get yourself to Al-anon and get some info on this because obviously you are clueless.


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## NeedHelpPlease

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wrong. When it comes to an alcoholic there IS the possibility of no hope. Be prepared for that.
> 
> And YES, when it comes to an alcoholic ONE person CAN make a relationship go bad. It is ALL UP TO HIM. Only HE can stop it and ONLY he can accept the blame and change.
> 
> You REALLY need to get yourself to Al-anon and get some info on this because obviously you are clueless.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedHelpPlease

But what if I drank too? And what if sometimes I was the one bringing alcohol in? And what if I am a complete jerk and haven't stopped drinking completely (never around him)?

And what if I am afraid of Alanon because everyone will know each other but me? And what if I actually have a medical condition that makes it pretty much impossible to just walk into a new environment like that? And what if they just judge me or tell me what I should feel or what I should do without knowing all the facts?

What if I am really the rotten one? Granted I am the only stable adult between the two of us but carrying the mortgage, car payment, both our car insurance, both our phone bills, the utilities, the food, and his new $10 a day soda habit along with the dog bill care and his medical bills and it is making me bitter. But that doesn't make him all wrong and me all right. What more should I expect to put up with and how long should I support him if we split?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

What if a big meteorite came from outer space and hit the Earth? :slap: You sure do have a lot of excuses, don't you? 

I did the same thing. Yes, I drank too. I brought in wine and beer and in one hour he finished off a case of beer a friend of mine gave me as a present. Oh yeah, I had mental problems too and I didn't like Al-anon because I couldn't relate to it. Oh yeah, I was the only one working and paying the bills. 

Guess what? I got sick of HIM and HIS drinking and the way it was ruining MY and MY KID'S lives and decided "enough" and life is better now.

Don't you want YOUR life to be better? Or do you feel the need to do penance for your sins? How many times do you have to cut yourself and watch the blood run down your arms and legs? Have you done that yet? 

I gave him chance after chance after chance because of the guilt that I myself felt (sound familiar?) but he kept doing the same things over and over again until finally I said...

*"ENOUGH"*. 

After two years of this I filed for divorce this past December 14. I guess it just depends on when you've had "enough". But keep in mind that it's HIS problem and YOU can't solve it. 

And get off the guilt trip because the past is gone and the present is what is and you have to deal with what is...the here and now. All that lies before you is the future and what that future will be is up to you. 

You can make excuses or you can make changes. Your choice.


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