# less sex now than ever!



## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Just found this site and decided to throw my story out there and see if I can get any new ideas to deal with my problem.

We've been together 15+ years. He has been LD since a few months after our wedding, with bouts of high drive once every 3-4 years. These never lasted long but I sure enjoyed them when he had them. My problem is compared to him I am HD. I tend to think I am more of a normal drive though. Twice a week would be fine with me but we are barely having sex at all. Sometimes it is months and I have to constantly remind him that it has been a while. For years, I would mention the length of time that had passed then he would respond to me at his convenience. Lately he isn't responding at all. Now he is always moody, never happy, and a lot more into himself. Everything I say is wrong or he makes it out to be wrong and uses it as an excuse to ignore me in the bedroom. He is never loud or mean to me at least. He is also a hard worker and a good provider. But with no intimacy, I feel like this marriage is doomed. This is not how I expected our lives to be and had I known this before we married.....I would have thought twice. 

He is 38 and not overweight/ no known medical problems, if that helps any. 

I've tried spicing things up-still no interest

So far this is what I am sure of:
No evidence of porn, cheating, masturbation
Low T-possible but refuses to see a doctor to test
Some beta qualities
Some passive aggressive qualities
He won't read any books and doesn't like me looking for answers because he is "fine".


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

What happens if you physically initiate instead of asking?


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

just_about_done said:


> What happens if you physically initiate instead of asking?


99.9% of the time if I initiate I get rejection. He sometimes offers up excuses such as too tired, when the movies over....yada yada yada. A few weeks back, we had the day alone, I drew a nice bath and invited him to join me.....his response was this: "I need to take out the trash" and promply left the room. I can not even explain in words the hurt that caused. To be be second in line to being physically tired is one thing but to be considered of lesser importance than the trash is a whole new pain. I never want to feel that low again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You have to remind him? Wow!

What do you think leads to the bouts of HD every 3-4 years?


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't get guys with low drive. Does not compute.

Is he on any medication? Depression? Was he HD when dating or just medium? Did something happen around the time his drive dropped?


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> You have to remind him? Wow!
> 
> What do you think leads to the bouts of HD every 3-4 years?


I have no clue as to why he sometimes goes HD out of the blue. It usually only lasts about 2-3 months then back to LD. I've asked why the sudden changes, I get the "I don't know" answer, which is his answer to a lot of things.

Yes I remind him-I asked once if he knew the last time we had sex. His answer was 3 weeksago. It had really been over 3 months. It's like sex just never crosses his mind.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

just_about_done said:


> I don't get guys with low drive. Does not compute.
> 
> Is he on any medication? Depression? Was he HD when dating or just medium? Did something happen around the time his drive dropped?


No meds / no known depression

Nothing happend that I can recall. I would say he was average to high drive when dating.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> No meds / no known depression
> 
> Nothing happend that I can recall. I would say he was average to high drive when dating.


It was new and exciting.

I don't even know what to think. I was going to ask if he works a lot but I work a lot and it doesn't affect my "want to". 

I would almost jump to the conclusion that he is getting "release" somewhere else (porn, masturbating, OW) but you don't think that is the case. 

My wife is LD so it has caused a lot of problems throughout our marriage. There are other problems now that contribute to a sexless marriage. It sucks.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> It was new and exciting.
> 
> I don't even know what to think. I was going to ask if he works a lot but I work a lot and it doesn't affect my "want to".
> 
> ...


I know his LD has caused more problems in our marriage than we would have had otherwise. It's like a poison that just spreads and damages even the things I love about him. It might not be fair to him but I know I have resentment built up. I try hard to keep it a seperate issue but sometimes it just isn't possible. I'm only human... 

Does your wife take any responsibility for her LD? 

H was always showing affection in other ways until about a week ago. That always made it harder on me. I rather not be touched at all than to be sent mixed signals then rejected.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> I know his LD has caused more problems in our marriage than we would have had otherwise. It's like a poison that just spreads and damages even the things I love about him. It might not be fair to him but I know I have resentment built up. I try hard to keep it a seperate issue but sometimes it just isn't possible. I'm only human...
> 
> Does your wife take any responsibility for her LD?
> 
> H was always showing affection in other ways until about a week ago. That always made it harder on me. I rather not be touched at all than to be sent mixed signals then rejected.


I understand exactly what you are talking about. Resentment has definitely built up over the years for me. I am trying to let it go. I vary from living in resentment to contemplating divorce to just giving up and accept I will just not have sex for the rest of my life. It tints just about every aspect of our marriage.

It has done so much damage to our marriage that we no longer have any affection. We are roommates and co-parents living under the same roof. We used to be extraordinarily affectionate but as time went on I withdrew ever so slowly because I couldn't take the rejection. The problem with that is that the emotional connection has diminished significantly. I will always love her and that is unconditional. Being in love with her is not unconditional.

We have another issue that is sort of taboo. Fitness is a hobby of mine. She has gained so much weight over the years she is now morbidly obese. I just simply am not attracted to that. I think it would be different if we had had a healthy sex life over the years. It is amazing how that changes your perspective. Now, I don't know what to do.

We are essentially platonic and it drives me crazy. If there is a lesson is that I think our relationship is an advanced case of yours. We started dating March, 1990 (23 years) and married for 20. Unless something dramatic happens, it gets worse.

My wife admits she is LD. I had all the signs when we were dating but I didn't associate it with low sex drive. She just simply wasn't as interested as previous girlfriends. I look back now and realize that I am the one who usually initiated. I thought at the time that either I hadn't figured her buttons out yet or she just wasn't in tune with herself ... things I thought would improve over time. She admits to being LD but aside from talking to the doctor about her medication, she just accepts it. She has told me several times that it just isn't important to her and she can live without it. I don't think she has any ability to empathize with how I feel.

I am so tired of thinking about it. It really tears me down. Doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to get it out of my mind, it appears and I feel "unwell" for a better word. Sad, lonely, unfulfilled, unwanted, trapped ... a whole lot of emotions at once. 

Adding to the conflict, we had separated a few years ago. I had enough. I can't say that the lack of sex/affection didn't influence it but it wasn't the primary reason. We HAD gone 3.5 years without sex and even that wasn't the deciding factor. She was a wreck. She had been homeschooling my daughters and instead of actually teaching them, she spent most of their time socializing with the other homeschooling mommies. She would stay up until 2 in the morning playing games on facebook, get up late, let my daughters fend for themselves, do an hour of school and then head out. I didn't even see her on weekends, she spent all her time with her religious friends (she is a fundamentalist christian) ... bible study, church, fellowship group ... all sorts of things. She did nothing around the house at all. The anger and resentment just built up inside of me. She refused to allow my children in school ... all the bad influences, you know. If there is "victory" in separation, it is that I was able to force her to get the girls in school. They are thriving and love it. I have good girls. I am very proud of them. In a tearful admission that was very hard for her, she admitted that she was wrong. We reconciled. The good news is that she is now in school to become a teacher and is rocking it out ... 

... the bad news is I just discovered a couple of weeks ago that she had at least one affair while we were separated. I can almost understand given our situation but 1) she wasted no time trying to get somebody elses d!ck inside her (she had already set some of this up just prior to the separation) and 2) she lied to me over and over. This is a person who in all my time knowing her I have never caught in a lie. I almost believed her incapable of it. When I confronted, I simply asked questions that I knew the answer to and she lied to me every step of the way, only admitting a little at a time as I was able to contradict her with evidence (some real, some fake). She refused to admit it was physical during the initial confrontation. I have since found out otherwise. I know the affair wasn't about sex. She was angry and looking for validation and attention. It doesn't make it any easier especially in light of all of the rejection she gave me over the years.

I have decided that I am going to take the next year and simply focus on myself. Build myself up instead of letting this tear me down. After a year, I'll be at a decision point. April 1 was "start date" and I can't believe how much I've done in just the last 3 days. I also decided that I will start dating my wife again. I am pretty sure it won't lead to sex but we have gotten into such a pattern of being roommates and going through the motions that I decided I can at least let go of the resentment enough to be her friend. So, tonight at dinner I asked her to go out to breakfast with me on Sunday (sans kids) before she heads to church. Baby steps. I have a place I've taken my kids that is just out of this world and right up her alley. Hope it goes well. I had taken her to Cancun in January and that was an unmitigated disaster ... but I'm going to try again. 

Wish me luck. 

One piece of advice I would give you is to do whatever you can to keep the affection in your life. There are ways to improve his sex drive if he is willing but the loss of affection is a marriage killer.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ok so time to decide if its a deal breaker or not.


but I'm betting it is and I think it should be. if you continue this relationship it will wear you down your self esteem and confidence will suffer and your already very unhappy.


start getting a game plan to exit. try one more time to comunicate about your displeasure with your marriage and if it dosn't start changing for the better then pull the plug.


good luck


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Does he work out any, or is he too tired for that too? I know that exercise is a stress reliever, and it also increases endorphines. Exercise may be a good way to get him to increase his drive. Maybe even exercise with him, if you can get him to do it. My wife and I have exercised together, and we are sharing healthy habits. That is making us closer. Maybe you guys have drifted apart, and he feels disconnected from you. If he feels disconnected, he will not want to have sex. It's exacerbated by stress and a multitude of other things. Finding common ground, in addition to getting "healthier," may help.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho-

*“We used to be extraordinarily affectionate but as time went on I withdrew ever so slowly because I couldn't take the rejection. The problem with that is that the emotional connection has diminished significantly. I will always love her and that is unconditional. Being in love with her is not unconditional.”*

I believe this is where I am going in my marriage also. The recent decline in his giving other forms of affection could very well be from me pulling away. I do love him, but it’s not easy staying in love with someone who doesn’t make the efforts to nurture that love.

*“she is now morbidly obese”*

I can’t blame you there. I can handle a few extra pounds but I would have a problem with morbid obesity, unless there is a medical reason.

The religion aspect is also a touchy subject here. H was raised in a very strict household, with 4 of his closest male family members being pastors. While he still believes everything he was raised to believe, he doesn’t attend church. He has recently stopped smoking and is talking more about religion. I have no problems with church or religion but I do have my limits. I have been to their type of church and do not agree with their teachings. One of my main concerns is how they preach to keep your wife under subjection. I agree with the man being the head of the home and giving him the respect he deserves. But I will not tolerate religion being used as a cover up for abuse and from what I have seen from other church members, that is exactly what they use it for.

Affairs are a deal breaker for me, in any form or for any reason. If I can put up with all that I do and not cheat then I expect the same from the H. If the affair was proven, I wouldn’t bother to even ask questions. I would simply be gone regardless of the consequences. That’s just me. I can see where it could be different for a man. Most of the time women can leave and take the kids with them. It’s harder for a man to do that.

Chillymorn-

I’m still working it out in my own head if it is a deal breaker, I guess. Most of the time I think yes and other times I wonder if I am just being selfish and expecting too much. With that being said, I have been working on planning an exit if that is what I choose to do, for a couple of years in fact. He makes more money than I do and I know it would be a hard to make it on my own with the kids. To try and remedy that, I’m back to school (3 semesters into it now). I have an option of temporary housing in place, but it out of state and I would hate to uproot the kids.

Stevehowefan-

He doesn’t have an exercise routine. He isn’t out of shape either. His job provides some minimal exercise which helps in that area, I guess. I have offered to change my exercise routine to include him but he hasn’t accepted the invitation. 


Sorry for the length of this post and thanks for the replies! It helps to hear from others who have experienced similar problems.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Jessica, do you guys talk about small things and big things, or is there a disconnect in communication? I understand your needs and I am sorry that you're in your position. I was sort of there with my wife, although she at least tried to have sex. She didn't want to, which in my mind was as bad as not having sex. Surely this is a low-test problem. If you could convince him to start lifting weights, there's a testosterone booster available that will help him in the gym and it may help elsewhere, if you get my drift. I was on a test booster for two months, as was my gym partner/buddy. He walked around with a stiffy lol.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> Jessica, do you guys talk about small things and big things, or is there a disconnect in communication? I understand your needs and I am sorry that you're in your position. I was sort of there with my wife, although she at least tried to have sex. She didn't want to, which in my mind was as bad as not having sex. Surely this is a low-test problem. If you could convince him to start lifting weights, there's a testosterone booster available that will help him in the gym and it may help elsewhere, if you get my drift. I was on a test booster for two months, as was my gym partner/buddy. He walked around with a stiffy lol.


I've asked for him to have his t levels checked. At first he wouldn't even give an answer to the request. Asked a 2nd time, he gave me a solid no. I asked again lat a later date and was given a maybe. I have offered to go with him, make the appt., do all of the leg work. Still no deal on the table from him. I can't make him see the dr. but I tend to think he should also want to try to fix the issue. Any ideas on how to get him to agree and follow through on seeing the dr.? I know it would be embarrassing to him. But wouldn't losing your marriage because of this be more embarrassing?


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

and we do still communicate although not as well as we use to. Big things, yes. Neither of us would make a major decision without informing the other. Small talk is a little tougher these days. It's kind of hard to get around the elephant in the room, for me anyways.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

JessicaRabbit said:


> I've asked for him to have his t levels checked. At first he wouldn't even give an answer to the request. Asked a 2nd time, he gave me a solid no. I asked again lat a later date and was given a maybe. I have offered to go with him, make the appt., do all of the leg work. Still no deal on the table from him. I can't make him see the dr. but I tend to think he should also want to try to fix the issue. Any ideas on how to get him to agree and follow through on seeing the dr.? I know it would be embarrassing to him. But wouldn't losing your marriage because of this be more embarrassing?


Honestly, a lack of sex is grounds for divorce with some people. I didn't want to divorce my wife over it but it was so damn frustrating that I wanted to shock her into seeing how big the problem was. If you feel all hope is lost, and you don't think there is any chance he will turn around, maybe threaten/file for divorce is the only option. Divorce is a better option than cheating, and divorce is bad in my mind. Cheating is definitely worse. I hesitate to say threaten divorce, and I only would if you feel like it is going nowhere. I agree, divorce would be more embarrasing than finding out I had low testosterone, or some other medical issue. He HAS to see the importance of intimacy, not just sex, but intimacy.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Two things...

First, make the appointment for him. Don't ask, make it and tell him when it is. Make sure you can drive him or he has access to the car so there are no excuses. If you can, go with him.

Second, I know you said there was no cheating, but going from zero to HD for a few months then back to zero smacks of him having f*ck buddies. Gets one, drive with you goes to zero. Drops that one, you're a good substitute. Finds another, back to zero with you. Just make sure this isn't the case.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JessicaRabbit said:


> and we do still communicate although not as well as we use to. Big things, yes. Neither of us would make a major decision without informing the other. Small talk is a little tougher these days. It's kind of hard to get around the elephant in the room, for me anyways.


I wonder if he has a different elephant in the room.thats is causing his disinterest.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Two things...
> 
> First, make the appointment for him. Don't ask, make it and tell him when it is. Make sure you can drive him or he has access to the car so there are no excuses. If you can, go with him.
> 
> Second, I know you said there was no cheating, but going from zero to HD for a few months then back to zero smacks of him having f*ck buddies. Gets one, drive with you goes to zero. Drops that one, you're a good substitute. Finds another, back to zero with you. Just make sure this isn't the case.


worth a check and see start doing alittle snooping on the quiet


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> Two things...
> 
> First, make the appointment for him. Don't ask, make it and tell him when it is. Make sure you can drive him or he has access to the car so there are no excuses. If you can, go with him.
> 
> Second, I know you said there was no cheating, but going from zero to HD for a few months then back to zero smacks of him having f*ck buddies. Gets one, drive with you goes to zero. Drops that one, you're a good substitute. Finds another, back to zero with you. Just make sure this isn't the case.



Making the appointment without his permission for him is an idea. I could do that today. From a man's point of view...is that acceptable behavior? I don't need anymore resentment that he may already have. I guess I am afraid that it would be pushing the bounderies a bit. 

As far as an affair, I have no proof to even begin to accuse him of that. His phone, wallet, bank accounts and emails are all available to me at anytime. He has never had missing cash, no time unaccounted for. He's never late or leaves early. I guess it may be possible on a lunch break but he is usually on the phone with me during that time. I've checked up on him from time to time and there is no red flags other than the LD.:scratchhead:


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I wonder if he has a different elephant in the room.thats is causing his disinterest.


like???...I think I must have a mental block today...lol


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JessicaRabbit said:


> like???...I think I must have a mental block today...lol


I don't know .....just off the top of my head some things are.


large weight gain,poor attirude, whiney,bi*ching,over spending, controling. 


could be anything why don't you use this as an oprotunity to start a frank conversation with him about the general health of your marriage. 

health/age could also play a factor.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

something like I feel something is amiss can we talk about our marriage over a glass of wine or pizza.

he rolls his eyes and say Ok .....then you say I don't think that was nessary!....and hes what ? .....and you say your disrespect!......I didn't disrespect you. yes you did an eye roll is very disrespectfull espically when I'm trying to open some line of comunication with my husband! you get the idea.


disclaimer this was just an example I don't know the ins and outs of how you guys comunicate.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I never gave much credence to the idea that my wife was cheating on me during our intimacy-less phase. She was not interested in ANYTHING involving sex, dudes, weiners, or anything. It was obvious. Of course, it crossed my mind but it didn't last long. He's probably not interested in anything remotely resembling sex. My wife claims she hasn't pleased herself in seven years. That is mind-boggling to me.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> I never gave much credence to the idea that my wife was cheating on me during our intimacy-less phase. She was not interested in ANYTHING involving sex, dudes, weiners, or anything. It was obvious. Of course, it crossed my mind but it didn't last long. He's probably not interested in anything remotely resembling sex. My wife claims she hasn't pleased herself in seven years. That is mind-boggling to me.


Seven years??? WOW! I'm a crazy person if I wait 7 days!!!...lol


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

JessicaRabbit said:


> Seven years??? WOW! I'm a crazy person if I wait 7 days!!!...lol


Lol, don't get me wrong. She DID have sex with me, to the tune of about once to twice a week on average. She just didn't want to do it. I can count on one hand the number of times she initiated it, though.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The key in all of this is that it started not long after you got married. That leads me to believe it was a bait and switch in reverse. And who knows why he gets interested every once in a blue moon the point is sex doesn't matter to him.

Balls in your court but I don't see this changing any time soon.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

JR...when a person is truly LD, and that is what it sounds like your husband is from your description, they sincerely don't think about sex. It doesn't cross their minds. They don't get randomly "horny". They do not feel uncomfortable without sex, so when months go by without it, it doesn't even register with them.

This is why it is very hard for a truly LD spouse to understand what their HD spouse is experiencing. This would explain why you have talked to him about this before and it fell on deaf ears.

It is very rare for a truly LD person to increase their own sex drive. 

You need to be able to ask yourself, can I live like this forever? Because this likely is how it will be.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback guys/gals

I get that he is LD, I really do. I think what is the most upsetting is the fact that he does nothing to help me out, if you get my drift. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do anything to keep him from hurting or feeling neglected. He says he is attracted to me, comments on certain singers and actresses being pretty, certain looks he likes and what he doesn't like, but it still does nothing for him? I will never understand that...??? It's has to be a sad existence. But I guess you don't miss what you never had.
I probably would have chosen a different path had I known what I know now. We could have been great friends, we were good friends before we ever dated. We have kids together, they have never even heard us argue. If I chose to leave, they will never understand. They have friends with divorced parents and have even stated that they are glad they don't have to live in two houses. That statement makes my decision even harder. If it were just me, I would have been already gone. It's another 7 long years until my youngest is grown. I just don't know if I can hold out that long.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> JR...when a person is truly LD, and that is what it sounds like your husband is from your description, they sincerely don't think about sex. It doesn't cross their minds. They don't get randomly "horny". They do not feel uncomfortable without sex, so when months go by without it, it doesn't even register with them.
> 
> This is why it is very hard for a truly LD spouse to understand what their HD spouse is experiencing. This would explain why you have talked to him about this before and it fell on deaf ears.
> 
> ...


That is my wife exactly while I am going crazy. She has no idea or ability to understand why it is important to me or how important it is to me. I tell her and I pretty much get the "that's your problem" look.

So, I agree that is probably also true for your husband. In fact, "traditionally" women aren't supposed to "want it" like men so if he doesn't want it why should it bother you. Of course, we know that isn't true but there are some very conservative thinkers out there who still believe it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> Thanks for the feedback guys/gals
> 
> I get that he is LD, I really do. I think what is the most upsetting is the fact that he does nothing to help me out, if you get my drift. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do anything to keep him from hurting or feeling neglected. He says he is attracted to me, comments on certain singers and actresses being pretty, certain looks he likes and what he doesn't like, but it still does nothing for him? I will never understand that...??? It's has to be a sad existence. But I guess you don't miss what you never had.
> I probably would have chosen a different path had I known what I know now. We could have been great friends, we were good friends before we ever dated. We have kids together, they have never even heard us argue. If I chose to leave, they will never understand. They have friends with divorced parents and have even stated that they are glad they don't have to live in two houses. That statement makes my decision even harder. If it were just me, I would have been already gone. It's another 7 long years until my youngest is grown. I just don't know if I can hold out that long.


Yeah, I understand that. I don't know how I can hold out that long and if I can't then how can I explain it to my daughters? 

"Daddy wants to get his freak on and that just isn't happening with Mommy" ... uhmm ... no.

When I separated from my wife, the most difficult thing was telling my daughters. My oldest daughter is just a bright ray of sunshine and nothing seems to get to her. She is an angel. I come home and she just can't wait to tell me about what she did during the day. She dances around while she's telling me at a thousand miles an minute as if it is her day expressed in dance. She's the joy in my life. She sat there while I explained why we were separating and her face was completely expressionless ... except for the tears. It crushed me. I still choke up when I picture that face. I held her for what had to be at least twenty minutes before I got up to leave the house. I can't remember a moment more difficult than that in my entire life.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He needs aserious wake up call, you will have to be willing to lose the marriage and walk away for things to get better.

Get everything read to leave him, and start living life more for your self, stop worrying about him.

Then let him know you are going to leave and why, if he does not go to the doctor, try getting his T levels up, make a huge effort in your relationship and go to counselling with you. And tell him it must be sustained, he has to keep making an effort, not just for two weeks, two months or two years. Let him know that your expectations are not unreasonable, it is normal to want love and physical affection along with emotional connection.

You need an intimate loving marriage and deserve one too.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> So, I agree that is probably also true for your husband. In fact, "traditionally" women aren't supposed to "want it" like men so if he doesn't want it why should it bother you. Of course, we know that isn't true but there are some very conservative thinkers out there who still believe it.


I think I'm tired of tradition already!:rofl: I am very conservative in a lot of ways. But in the privacy of my own home with my husband, I shouldn't have to be. Hell, I will be conservative in public, no problem. I do crave the freedom of just letting go sometimes. 
I am thankful that I haven't lost my sense of self through all of this. It did eat at me for a while when I was younger but I tend to get over things pretty quick. After reading some other posts, I feel I am rather lucky that I'm not in a deep depression. I'm hoping to avoid all the clinical diagnosis possibilities. I'm a glass half full kind of person, so if this doesn't kill me....... 
I will however brush up on coping skills- just as a reminder to myself.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I understand that. I don't know how I can hold out that long and if I can't then how can I explain it to my daughters?
> 
> "Daddy wants to get his freak on and that just isn't happening with Mommy" ... uhmm ... no.
> 
> When I separated from my wife, the most difficult thing was telling my daughters. My oldest daughter is just a bright ray of sunshine and nothing seems to get to her. She is an angel. I come home and she just can't wait to tell me about what she did during the day. She dances around while she's telling me at a thousand miles an minute as if it is her day expressed in dance. She's the joy in my life. She sat there while I explained why we were separating and her face was completely expressionless ... except for the tears. It crushed me. I still choke up when I picture that face. I held her for what had to be at least twenty minutes before I got up to leave the house. I can't remember a moment more difficult than that in my entire life.


I just cannot for the life of me even imagine having to go through that. I'm sorry for anyone that has been put in that position. The only thing that may save me some agony is he has never been a hands on dad to the kids. He is a wonderful provider but his "daddy" skills are lacking. The kids and I are always sharing thoughts and ideas, cutting up and making jokes. He sometimes looks at us like we are speaking a foreign language. Every once in a while he will join in for a minute or two and the kids will look at me like "what's up with him". I have even told them at times to make sure they include him. They have gotten so use to him not being involved that they sometimes just pass him by and come straight to me. I have to say, "go tell Dad". It's not that he is a bad father, he just doesn't involve himself as much as I do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> I think I'm tired of tradition already!:rofl: I am very conservative in a lot of ways. But in the privacy of my own home with my husband, I shouldn't have to be. Hell, I will be conservative in public, no problem. I do crave the freedom of just letting go sometimes.
> I am thankful that I haven't lost my sense of self through all of this. It did eat at me for a while when I was younger but I tend to get over things pretty quick. After reading some other posts, I feel I am rather lucky that I'm not in a deep depression. I'm hoping to avoid all the clinical diagnosis possibilities. I'm a glass half full kind of person, so if this doesn't kill me.......
> I will however brush up on coping skills- just as a reminder to myself.


Ha! Well I'm fairly conservative in a number of ways ... but there is a difference between conservative and antiquated.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> I just cannot for the life of me even imagine having to go through that. I'm sorry for anyone that has been put in that position. The only thing that may save me some agony is he has never been a hands on dad to the kids. He is a wonderful provider but his "daddy" skills are lacking. The kids and I are always sharing thoughts and ideas, cutting up and making jokes. He sometimes looks at us like we are speaking a foreign language. Every once in a while he will join in for a minute or two and the kids will look at me like "what's up with him". I have even told them at times to make sure they include him. They have gotten so use to him not being involved that they sometimes just pass him by and come straight to me. I have to say, "go tell Dad". It's not that he is a bad father, he just doesn't involve himself as much as I do.


Well, we can't do it all.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Jessica, there's a lot of talk on this thread about your husbands physical and mental state, but, unless I missed it, there's nothing about YOU.

I don't mean to be offensive, but a question that comes to my mind as I read your story is that perhaps you have changed?

Are you in the same physical shape that you were when you first met, or have you perhaps gained considerable weight?

How about just being direct and honest with him, such as I am being with you, and rather than beating around the proverbial bush so to speak, why not, rather than trying to entice him with warm baths and such, say to him "WTF is with no sex around here lately, do I smell like a skunk or something?"

See what he comes back with but be prepared for something that might be upsetting.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

northland said:


> Jessica, there's a lot of talk on this thread about your husbands physical and mental state, but, unless I missed it, there's nothing about YOU.
> 
> I don't mean to be offensive, but a question that comes to my mind as I read your story is that perhaps you have changed?
> 
> ...


I almost really laughed out loud Northland! Thanks for the questions too and I'll be happy to answer those.

1. No considerable weight gain. I'm maybe 10-15 lbs heavier than when I first met him. I was 16 then. Granted I'm not 18 yrs old anymore, but I have held up well I believe. I exercise regularly. Eat a fairly balanced diet. Although I do have chocolate cravings on occasion. 
2. I have been direct, indirect and everything in between. I am not a yeller, loud mouth, or whiner, so I'm not sure if the WTF way would work for me. I can say what I mean and mean what I say without any childish actions. 
3. If I smelled like a skunk, lol, I do believe my very blunt children would have informed me of that, even if the H wouldn't. Also on that note, my gyn has never mentioned anything out of the ordinary about the more private areas, neither has the H :lol:


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Well, we can't do it all.


Would never expect him to do it all. He does alot by providing. And I do anything I can to help out as much as possible. He doesn't have to help with the house. He doesn't have to cook. The only thing that I would consider a "his" job is taking car of the car/truck because I have no clue how to do those things. I even enjoy helping with the yardwork. As far as the kids, I do think he could pay a little more attention, if he wanted to. That is his choice to make, not mine. I just thought that if I did choose to leave, maybe if I am very lucky, it wouldn't be as hard on the kids because of his previous actions. Grasping at straws here and just considering all possibilities.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do anything to keep him from hurting or feeling neglected. He says he is attracted to me, comments on certain singers and actresses being pretty, certain looks he likes and what he doesn't like, but it still does nothing for him? I will never understand that...??? It's has to be a sad existence. But I guess you don't miss what you never had."

An LD person doesn't think like this (which is what you said in the last sentence above). They do not know what the HD person is going through. They do not think "oh, well my drive is low but I don't want that to make my HD partner feel she is unattractive...and I don't want them to be sexually frustrated...so I will make sure I give her compliments and sex her up regularly in anyway I can". They have no inner impulse to drive their thoughts in this direction. EVEN WHEN it is clearly explained to them several times by their spouse, they will not have thoughts and actions like this naturally.

They can sometimes learn to focus on these types of thoughts and manufacture them and follow the appropriate action. But normally, it will not come easily and they will need to be reminded constantly.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it usually doesn't get better. BUT - - in the stories I have read that have drastically improved, it usually took the HD spouse talking about divorce before the LD spouse finally understood what was at stake. And this conversation has to be real, not forced, not faked, not a threat. 

I do recommend you have that conversation, perhaps with an MC involved. It is highly likely your husband has no clue he is headed for a divorce. Or that you are headed for an affair. Those are two common things that happen in sexless marriages, and the LD spouse typically doesn't see it coming.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "An LD person doesn't think like this”
> 
> So maybe he isn't LD like I thought?
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Keep up your true exit plan. You might have a shot here, if you really truly mean that you are out if it doesn't change. 

If you get too comfy before he has truly changed, he will go right back to the way he was.

Good luck!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

It seems as there had been a step forward. Lavish it with praise. Dont be surprised if there are a few more step backwards in your trip to the promise land. Focus on the progress. Good Luck


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Keep up your true exit plan. You might have a shot here, if you really truly mean that you are out if it doesn't change.
> 
> If you get too comfy before he has truly changed, he will go right back to the way he was.
> 
> Good luck!


I haven't changed my plans. I know him well enough to not let my guard down just yet. I am proud of him making an effort and can only hope it isn't short term. Time will tell.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> It seems as there had been a step forward. Lavish it with praise. Dont be surprised if there are a few more step backwards in your trip to the promise land. Focus on the progress. Good Luck


:iagree:

Lavish has became my middle name the past few days. If he can put forth the effort, I am more than willing to go the extra mile to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him for trying. I have even noticed him being more active in his role as a Dad. Only good things to report and so far I am thrilled!!!


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Update and questions

We have been getting along somewhat better, since I last posted but I still have some concerns. He has a much lighter mood and hasn’t been so grumpy and I have been working on myself some too. (trying to just shut up and do my own thing) So some of my concerns may be in my own head. Who knows at this point?  I’ll just put them out there ….

Why he does he do some of the things he does?

Ex: We have been planning to give our oldest child a vacation of her choice, with the understanding that we both go with her, as a gift. Everyone was in agreement on it being “her” choice. So, she chooses her vacation, announces it to us and we all agree. A few days later, H says he doesn’t like “her choice” but will go. Ok fine, I wasn’t the biggest fan of it either but it wasn’t a gift to me. A couple of weeks later she changes her mind to vacation B. That’s even better, since H and I didn’t like vacation A, right? I let him know she wants to change plans and he says it’s ok with him. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he says “You shouldn’t have changed plans without asking me. I was really looking forward to vacation A.” WTH does this mean?????

EX2: We installed new kitchen cabinets a couple of years ago. Two weeks ago the faucet broke and began to leak. And it’s still leaking, keeping the bottom of practically new cabinets wet constantly. I have to keep a bowl there to try and catch as much water as possible and wipe it dry multiple times a day. He’s had 4 days off of work since the leak began and still hasn’t offered to fix it. I stopped asking for him to fix it, about 10 days ago.

Ex3: Sometimes I ask him what his plans for the day are. He answers with, “what are you doing today?” and doesn’t answer my initial question. He does this on many occasions with different questions too. I feel like he never really gives me an answer, if that makes any sense. It drives me crazy sometimes!!!

Maybe these are things aren’t as bad as I think, but it’s just some of the things that really get on my last nerve. I’m really trying hard to ignore these types of things he does and focus more on the positives we have going right now. As for the sex, 3 times since I told him I would leave. None this week, which is understandable, he had to cover a different shift. - Hoping to get back in the routine, tomorrow. We will see if he drops out or continues improvements in that area. Any ideas to get around the examples stated above????


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

One of the reasons I love the Marriage Builders program, is that it explains things in a way that helps both spouses be willing to be more loving to each other.

One of their key concepts is love busters. Love busters are anything that we do that reduces our partner's love for us. They list these love busters categories as:

Selfish demands

Disrespectful judgments

Angry outbursts

Annoying habits

Independent behavior

Dishonesty

When you understand that if you do anything on the list above to your spouse, you make them love you just a little bit less, then you can honestly ask yourself, why would I knowingly do something that makes my spouse love me less?

The trick is in knowing. You have to be able to communicate to your spouse that x, y, z behavior falls into one of the love buster categories above. You have to be able to tell them when they are being dishonest, that you know it and it makes you love them less. That when they are doing some annoying habit (like your ex. 3 above), that it makes you love them a little bit less.

This is not to say that one occurrence of annoyance makes us fall out of love...but over time, lots of those occurrences actually DO make you fall out of love.

The MB program gives you lists and surveys to fill out together, to help each other see the areas where you each need the other to improve.

Your husband likely has no idea how annoyed you get from some of the examples you cited. You do not sound like you are getting them across to him effectively. Consider going to Marriage Builders and read around a bit, and print off some of the surveys. You can get a lot farther with those than with a lot of arguing.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> One of the reasons I love the Marriage Builders program, is that it explains things in a way that helps both spouses be willing to be more loving to each other.
> 
> One of their key concepts is love busters. Love busters are anything that we do that reduces our partner's love for us. They list these love busters categories as:
> 
> ...


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Well I did something wrong with that reply.....

Going to look up the MB program, maybe I will learn something!!! Can't hurt.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

JessicaRabbit said:


> I've asked for him to have his t levels checked. At first he wouldn't even give an answer to the request. Asked a 2nd time, he gave me a solid no. I asked again lat a later date and was given a maybe. I have offered to go with him, make the appt., do all of the leg work. Still no deal on the table from him. I can't make him see the dr. but I tend to think he should also want to try to fix the issue. Any ideas on how to get him to agree and follow through on seeing the dr.? I know it would be embarrassing to him. But wouldn't losing your marriage because of this be more embarrassing?


It's getting close to Ultimatum Time


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

It was not a good weekend. We had plans to attend a birthday brunch for my MIL. My daughter ended up very sick Saturday morn and I ended up taking her to the dr while H took the other kids to the party. H sent pics from the party and I kept him updated on the dr visit. Seemed like just a rough start to an otherwise good day. Boy was I wrong. H gets home and is back to his old self. (Grumpy and disconnected.) My SIL calls later and says what a good time everyone had and how my H and his brother were the life of the party. So it makes me wonder how he could have been so happy and have a complete attitude change within 2 hours??? As far as I know, nothing negative from anyone there. I asked how the party went. H said "fine". I told him I was sorry I couldn't go with him and I left it at that.

Afternoon comes and H plans on mowing the grass. He stores a lot of his equipment at my parent's and goes to pick up the mower, gets the lawn finished and takes his equipment back. All during this he is barely speaking. I'm thinking maybe he is just in his "work mode" and will maybe relax a bit later. (We rented movies on Friday and had plans on grilling out and movie night on Saturday.) Two hours after he left to return his mowing equipment, he still wasn't back. Knowing how he and my stepdad are when they are together, I don't think much of it. Another hour goes by and I call him because I finished the grilling and had supper ready. Well he wasn't with my stepdad at all and had gone to a mutual friend’s, who was having a BBQ. (The same friends who earlier had the bonfire he accused me of planning to attend). He answers his phone says hello and our friend's sister grabs the phone. I didn't know she had the phone and I asked when he would be home. She says "he's fine; he is here with us partying ". I finally catch her voice and we chat a few minutes and she gives the phone back to H. He says he is coming home and is back within a few minutes. Now I don't mind him going to the friend's house but I was disappointed he wasn't here for our BBQ, knowing we had plans. He still wasn’t speaking much during supper. I just ignore it and chat up the kids. We then settle in for movie night and he is asleep within a few minutes of the movie. Ugh.... So halfway through I give up and go to bed myself. He follows me to bed, still silent. I ask if he is ok, he says he is. We get into bed, he stays on his side. I'm replaying the day in my head thinking wth have I done wrong this time??? Maybe it's because I had to miss brunch? Should I have not called him to let him know supper was ready? I decide to just say goodnight like usual and keep my thoughts to myself. No reply with a goodnight back to me, nothing. I go to sleep.

He had to work today and I usually make him breakfast. Well this morning I stayed in bed. He didn't mention breakfast, gave me a quick peck and left. 

It just feels like our *party* over.


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