# mixed emotions about my marriage



## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

I've been married for 8 years and in this time me and my husband have got along ok I guess. we are good friends. we have children together. However, sex just doesn't happen. we now sleep in separate rooms which started when our daughter wouldn't sleep well on her own. He is not affectionate towards me although he is with our children.
I feel more and more alone in the marriage as I stay home all day and I'm pretty cut off from the outside world as I don't drive or have many friends. I'm currently looking for work and rebuilding myself.
There's a guy i've liked for 10 years. we always kept in touch through email off and on and we always flirted but nothing else. Recently we messaged each other intensely and it got very sexual. he always backed off as hes also married and feels terrible guilt about it. We met up. nothing happened, we were with friends, not alone together but we both agreed there was a spark.
Now the contact has stopped as he was overcome with guilt.
I know for a fact I would sleep with him given the chance. 
I don't know why I don't feel the guilt he does, i think i just enjoy feeling that spark inside me again. the excitement. 
Anyway I felt very down over the last week as i missed him so much after our little moment together. i keep checking to see if he's messaged me since but i don't think he will.
today i told my husband i just don't love him any more.
i thought it was only fair that i'm honest. If i have feelings for other men then I should at least tell my husband its over first.
I love my husband for being a good father and friend. He's a little bossy towards me at times (I get treated like a child which makes me feel repressed)
i feel terrible for telling him i'm not in love with him any more but isn't it good that i was honest? im doing the right thing in saying we need to separate aren't i?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

While I agree your correct in telling your husband you are not in love with him and that you two need to separate, but in turn you should not do so, so you can feel less guilty in going after the other guy....please don't disrupt his family. Divorce for the right reasons.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Separate and divorce your husband, leave the OM alone. Let him figure out what he wants. Do not pressure him into a PA with you. He has to decide what he wants, whether to back to his wife or not. At least we know he has a bit of decency to feel guilty. However, you have none. Better divorce.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Oh I know the other man is over now. Nothing will ever happen and I'm ok with that. 
I was more concerned that I should not be acting like this while married and realised it was a huge sign that my marriage is over. I don't think it's fair to my husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You and your husband have grown apart like many couples do. But that can be fixed. If you once loved him and him you, that can be rebuilt.

There are different kinds of love. The type you were seeking with the married guy is romantic love, infatuation. It is created by a surge of feel good chemicals in your brain that lasts for 18-24 months. Another type of love is mature love. Mature love is the kind that sustains relationships. Mature love is a choice.

It does not sound like you and your husband have done anything to try to rebuild your marriage. Do you think that if was willing, that you would be willing to try to rebuild your relationship. It's 100% doable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tonytonitone said:


> Oh I know the other man is over now. Nothing will ever happen and I'm ok with that.
> I was more concerned that I should not be acting like this while married and realised it was a huge sign that my marriage is over. I don't think it's fair to my husband.


You are right. It's a huge sign. It's not fair to your husband.

It was a wakeup call for you. You have, it seems, been on auto pilot for a long time. And in that time your marriage understandably fell apart. You and your husband neglected your relationship. The emotional affair woke you up and rekindled your desire to have passion and love back in your life.

But it does not have to mean that your marriage is over. Both of you are responsible for the current state of your marriage. And both of you can fix it.

What do you think happens to a garden if it's not watered and not taken care of? But that garden can brought back to life with some water, fertilizer, seeds and care.

A LOT of people who divorce regret it. They are not better off after the divorce. They find that what they thought they would get after the divorce was a fantasy.

I would be saying something very different if your husband was abusive, having affairs, and mistreating you and your children. But you did not mention any of those... so I'm thinking this is very fixable.
.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Part of me would like to make it work. Part of me wants to be free. I'm definitely infatuated with this other man. He would be devastated if he knew I'd had this talk with my husband. He is not responsible for this though, I feel I wanted an escape anyway and he just happened to be there, at that moment.
I wonder if I'm mature enough for marriage, sometimes.
I crave my own space. I feel so old thinking that my life will never have the excitement that I had when I was single.
I also need to consider the children. 
Should I tell my husband about this infatuation? Would that just make things worse or would it help him understand?
Maybe counselling could help but I don't want to give him false hopes. I tried leaving before and we got back together. I do feel trapped at times, like it's just easier to stay together.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

tonytonitone said:


> i feel terrible for telling him i'm not in love with him any more but isn't it good that i was honest? im doing the right thing in saying we need to separate aren't i?


There have been 3 people in your marriage for a while now.
Your husband didn't even know he was competing for your heart, but he was.

Slowly but surely you have given your heart to the other man.

If you let someone meet your emotional needs you will fall in Love with him.

The net result for your hapless husband is he becomes the odd man out in his own marriage and you find yourself having to choose to be accepting of him at all.

This has exacerbated his effect of being an emotional drain to you while the other man is an emotional spark.

Can you see how your feelings for your husband have changed because of the presence of this other man?

Your willingness to jump in with both feet rather than bring this to a head and end it if necessary is telling. It is the classic cake eater approach. Perhaps leading to monkey branching, but more likely to result to irreversible damage to the marriage and a painful and only partially successful reconciliation as you both begin to wake up to you true responsibilities in your relationship.

BTW next time you see your husband look into his eyes and try to imaging you see in them the most soul crushing pain you can imagine and then say to yourself "I put that there". Then ask yourself if your part in this was good in any sense.

Can you see how your "honesty" is actually self serving and therefore not "good".

No Peace Prize for you today, no coupon for a free happy meal either.

Let me hasten to add that your husband has been very foolish in his neglect of his marriage, a relationship he should be protective of and he is asleep at the wheel.

Does he deserve to be cheated on?

Is this how you hope your children s spouses roll this out?

Blindsiding your child with "I am not happy (but I found this other person that I think will be great, but I am not going to tell you about them) so I want to be honest (before I cheat) that our marriage is not working for me."

You already know the answer to this, but if that's what you want I hope a lot of people come along and make you feel "good" about it.

You have no compunction about cheating so what does that say about your moral compass?

And what does that tell us about the likelihood of your accepting and following sound advice?

Anyone can get married and have children.

Train-wrecks are morbidly interesting to watch please keep us posted.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

I wouldn't say abusive, but he does speak down to me sometimes and I feel like he treats me like a child. That's mainly due to the fact that he's trying desperately to manage our finances which are low and because I don't have a job. (I will be starting one soon) When he's stressed he is quite rude to me, which I took as a lack of respect. I thought he'd lost love for me too until he said today he hasn't. He said he thought all married couples were like us and that it's normal not to have any passion after a while. I said it's not normal at all!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

tonytonitone said:


> Oh I know the other man is over now. Nothing will ever happen and I'm ok with that.
> I was more concerned that I should not be acting like this while married and realised it was a huge sign that my marriage is over. I don't think it's fair to my husband.


There have been a few more posts while I was composing, and my previous post is no longer applicable.

It seemed to me that the affair was still a likelyhood, now not so much.

Also tonytonitone you seem to be looking for help and not just justification, so I apologise.

I am going to leave it up because perhaps there is still something to be gleened from it.

I wish you well,
Take care.

ETA; One thing I have noticed when a spouse fails to inform their (in this case) husband of an individual who is a threat to the marriage is the likelyhood that the affair re-ignites and the person falls into an affair after all, this seems to be the rule IMO.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

That's right, no affair likely at all. I'm certainly looking for help, I don't know what to do or if what I've done so far was right.
I've flagged up our problems (minus the infatuation on the other man). Before telling my husband I no longer loved him in that way, I was sure it was right that I wanted a separation. However the reality and seeing him hurt so much has made me unsure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tonytonitone said:


> I wouldn't say abusive, but he does speak down to me sometimes and I feel like he treats me like a child. That's mainly due to the fact that he's trying desperately to manage our finances which are low and because I don't have a job. (I will be starting one soon) When he's stressed he is quite rude to me, which I took as a lack of respect. I thought he'd lost love for me too until he said today he hasn't. He said he thought all married couples were like us and that it's normal not to have any passion after a while. I said it's not normal at all!


It does not sound like he is abusive. But it does sound like he's not very happy and needs to learn to not be rude and grouchy. 

All married couples are not like this. But most people do not know how to maintain the passion in their marriage. Sadly, this is something that few of us are taught.

I highly encourage you to work on your marriage. To tell him that you want back what you had before but you want it even better than that.

What I suggest is that you start by reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them together, discuss each chapter and do the work that the chapter says to do.

Start with the Love Busters book. Why? Because love busters, like his talking down to you, has to stop before the positive work can start.

If, over time, you two have trouble getting your sex life back on track, see a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They have ideas that can help you two get that back.


There are more books that can help. But those two are the best ones to start with. For many couples they are the only ones needed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There was a study done on a group of couples who said that they were unhappy in their marriage. The study followed them over time, at the 5 year mark 85% of the couples said that they had repaired their marriage and were now happy.

(just wanted to give you some encouragement)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tonytonitone said:


> I've been married for 8 years and in this time me and my husband have got along ok I guess. we are good friends. we have children together. However, sex just doesn't happen. we now sleep in separate rooms which started when our daughter wouldn't sleep well on her own. He is not affectionate towards me although he is with our children.
> I feel more and more alone in the marriage as I stay home all day and I'm pretty cut off from the outside world as I don't drive or have many friends. I'm currently looking for work and rebuilding myself.
> There's a guy i've liked for 10 years. we always kept in touch through email off and on and we always flirted but nothing else. Recently we messaged each other intensely and it got very sexual. he always backed off as hes also married and feels terrible guilt about it. We met up. nothing happened, we were with friends, not alone together but we both agreed there was a spark.
> Now the contact has stopped as he was overcome with guilt.
> ...


Did you also tell him that you'd been speaking inappropriately w/ this other _married_ man and then met up w/ him?

If not, you weren't being honest w/ him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tony,

Please let us know if you intend to continue with this thread...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

My head is still spinning.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes please. Thank you for your help Ele. It won't let me message you for some reason, sorry!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Something weird is going on. I'm having a problem seeing page two here....

So this post is an attempt to get me on page two.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tonytonitone said:


> Yes please. Thank you for your help Ele. It won't let me message you for some reason, sorry!


I'm not sure why you cannot PM me... strange.

You might want to log off and then on again. Sometimes that cures things.

Have you taken a look at the books that were suggested.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I sent you a PM, see if you get that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So Tony, what are you thinking you will do now?


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

I just don't know what to do now. I feel so bad about this, my husband is like a broken man today and I know its my fault. I wish I could just grow up and act my age, realise this is a mature love etc. However, he admits he hasn't shown me much affection, he's taken me for granted. He was immediately defensive when i told him how i hate that we havent shared a bed for years. I said thats a symptom of the problem not the cause.
I suspect he knows about this other man I was infatuated with. Or at least suspects something. I have never been physically intimate with this man and never will be. It was just a fantasy, an escape from reality. I suppose people would call it an emotional affair?
I'm considering getting counselling, first with myself and then as a couple. I feel i've been very selfish but you cant control feelings can you? And if he wont leave, I may aswell make it work..but then i'll feel like i'm trapped forever in a marriage with no passion or excitement. That's a horrible thought. I am just not attracted to him any more.
I wish i could just make myself love him in that way but he's pushed me away for so long and ive already detached myself from the marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If the way he treated you is poor, then it is him that destroyed your love for him, not you. Love can be only felt through actions and deeds.

For instance, if you neglect your children and ignore their needs, would they know you love them, and wouldn't the consequence of that neglect be the result of your children losing their love and respect for you?

We have a drive to be loved, like a sex drive, we crave it. Starved of loving actions, we would most likely seek it elsewhere. Yes, you wanting love is selfish, so is him not letting you go if he did not provide it.

Some would believe that you are not entitled to have a happy life, and if they were to post to your husband, they believe that he deserves a better wife. Even if his actions will most likely result in divorce and affairs in most relationships.

Right now, just focus on you and what you need to find your own stability. Looking for another relationship will only complicate matters, and you should strive for a less complicated life. Your anger and resentment will follow you into any other relationship, and you have to take responsibility for letting someone treat you poorly for a long time. Yes, he was selfish for not realizing that he treated you poorly, he lost respect for you long ago.

Before you can even see if you have a shot of working things out, you both need the help with your issues.

Even if you leave him, if he continues treating all his partners this way, there is a high probability of affair and divorce in his future, and if you do not work on your own issues, your poor boundaries will allow others to step all over you and make you vulnerable to other males to either use you, or make your life complicated.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You have given your husband the first part of a great gift. The gift will be complete when you give him a detailed, "from the heart" explanation of why you fell out of love with him.

I had to figure out that my wife didn't love me MUCH later in life. Once my newly crushed world had settled a little, I figured out that it had happened approximately 15 years prior. Had she left me then, I would have been able to rebuild my life, learn from my mistakes and been happy with someone new now. Instead, my bad behavior became more entrenched. I'm now in my 50's with little hope of future happiness.

It was Oprah that started the serious conversation about walk-away wives. Then Tom Cruise jumped up and down on her couch and we all moved onto that more important item. We need to educate men AND women that most wives will PROBABLY fall out of love with their husbands within 10 years. We need to educate men on how NOT TO FORCE THEIR WIVES AWAY. And we need to educate women on how not to let it happen to them. Otherwise, we are doomed as a species.

Ignore all of the "you need to work on it" posts. That's what is keeping us in this mess. Leave him and shout from the rooftops why you did. THAT will help society.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tony, your marriage is in a bad place as you have both lost the connection to one another. It happens, when money, kids, jobs, etc get in the way. You may move onto a romantic relationship with someone else but the romance will wear off too.

Marriages require work and investment of time and effort, neither of which you guys have been doing. Romance doesn't happen on its own. I suggest you talk with you husband and tell him how you feel and that you are susteptible to an affair and he is too ( though he may not realise it). Be honest about what happened.

Get MC and go from there, plan activities together.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Thanks for your replies. It's awful seeing how sad he is, he's sick today from all of this. He cannot see that any of it is because of anything he's failed to do. I go between thinking everything will be ok and apologising to thinking enough is enough. Maybe that's just guilt on my part for all of this.
I think counselling could help me figure out what to do.
I need to think about what he could do to make me stay and be happy and would he be prepared to change. He can't change who he is. And would I really be happy? 
Maybe if I was happier with my own life (career etc) maybe if feel happier with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tonytonitone said:


> Thanks for your replies. It's awful seeing how sad he is, he's sick today from all of this. He cannot see that any of it is because of anything he's failed to do. I go between thinking everything will be ok and apologising to thinking enough is enough. Maybe that's just guilt on my part for all of this.
> I think counselling could help me figure out what to do.
> I need to think about what he could do to make me stay and be happy and would he be prepared to change. He can't change who he is. And would I really be happy?
> Maybe if I was happier with my own life (career etc) maybe if feel happier with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The good part here is you both recognize a problem. Let me get this out of the way...you were in a EA with OM. Let's admit that and move on. It appears you have moved on. That is a start!!!

As far as being happy, only you can make you happy. 

Keep talking with your H and be honest with the entire situation.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Should I admit to the EA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think Decorum alluded to this earlier, saying that there have been three people in your marriage for a long time now, and the problem is that this has very negatively impacted your marriage and your view of your husband all that time. Comparison is one of the biggest enemies of marriage, when you (subconsciously perhaps) are constantly comparing what you have (your husband, your current life) with a false rosy version of what you think you could have (the OM in ideal romance-only contexts) Your husband can't compete with that, no one can, because you do have to experience "real life" with him and all the ugliness that entails. All the stresses of life, financial pressures, sexual issues, parenting stress, dirty laundry, brushing your teeth while he's having a bowel movement on the toilet next to you, messy house, poor communication at times, etc. With the OM, it can all be pleasant chats, its easy for him to make you feel good, there's the naughtiness of it, the waiting for a nice message to pop up out of the blue, the happy dreams of the future, etc. It's all fake, it's all imagination, and it's just not fair to compare the two.

So admitting to him that the marriage is untenable right now is a good start, but I don't think it would be remotely fair to any of you (kids included) to walk away while you are still in the current fog of the OM, even if that door really is closed forever. I think this is where you sit down with him, explain your current feelings, and then commit to him that you want to give the marriage a real genuine last chance to make it. I am guessing he will be willing to do the same. Then you go to marriage counseling and find a good therapist to help you both work through these issues, and do your best to rebuild trust and intimacy with him.

No, mature love is not being unhappy, or settling, or being miserable, etc. It's constantly putting your spouse and your marriage FIRST. I promise if you can both do that, you can save your marriage. If one or neither of you can't however, then it's probably doomed.


As far as whether you should tell him about the EA... I'm split on it. If you have firmly decided on divorce, then I wouldn't bother. Since I don't think you have decided on divorce, then I think you should tell him, but maybe that should happen during an appointment with a marriage counselor. Just a thought.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

tonytonitone said:


> Should I admit to the EA?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes....hiding this like this only make resolving the problems in M more difficult or impossible.

You have shared tony, that your H has failed to show affection and allowed this gulf to grow between you for several years now.

Can you honestly say you consistently brought up this problem with him?...and not just once or twice making a passing comment?

Because if you have not, then I think it can fairly be said that NEITHER of you were doing anything to keep the M from getting stale.

If your H can be faulted for not putting enough effort and attention into you (and I agree from your description that he has failed in this), can it also be said that that YOU never put in any real effort to fix it either?

And once it had become boring, you went looking for the excitement of 'new' again?

I ask because, if neither of you have been giving the effort you should have, I think it would be a huge mistake to just separate and D without even trying to save your M and children's family.

It is clear from your posts that your H was neglecting the M....but I am not getting the sense from them that you were continuously addressing the problem with him, explaining that it was making you unhappy, and are frustrated that he has refused to work with you to fix the M.

If neither of you were really engaged, I think it would be very unfair for you to place all the blame for the collapse of the M on your H, and immediately ask to separate and D without trying to restore the M.


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

Thank you both for your replies. I'm so so grateful for this website! I have decided divorce is not the answer and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders has been lifted. There is still a lot my husband doesn't know. I think as well as us neglecting our marriage, I have been unhappy with my goals in life and have taken positive steps to get to where I want to be. Already it feels great, like a more positive future is around the corner. Being a stay at home parent made me lonely and the OM was an escape from that too. I'm going to talk with my husband about where I feel we were going wrong and discover what we both expect from our marriage.I need reassurance that he loves me and he's not just staying for the children. I want him to know that people aren't together just because they're married but also because they want to be together and they're in love and they value them..
I know that if I tell him about the EA, I will never be able to talk to the OM again. That does upset me. I'm not totally over him but it is one of the main reasons this all came to a head. If I want this marriage to survive I guess the OM does need to be completely out of the picture.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tonytonitone said:


> Thank you both for your replies. I'm so so grateful for this website! I have decided divorce is not the answer and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders has been lifted. There is still a lot my husband doesn't know. I think as well as us neglecting our marriage, I have been unhappy with my goals in life and have taken positive steps to get to where I want to be. Already it feels great, like a more positive future is around the corner. Being a stay at home parent made me lonely and the OM was an escape from that too. I'm going to talk with my husband about where I feel we were going wrong and discover what we both expect from our marriage.I need reassurance that he loves me and he's not just staying for the children. I want him to know that people aren't together just because they're married but also because they want to be together and they're in love and they value them..
> I know that if I tell him about the EA, I will never be able to talk to the OM again. That does upset me. I'm not totally over him but it is one of the main reasons this all came to a head. If I want this marriage to survive I guess the OM does need to be completely out of the picture.


Correct, you need to dust off OM.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yes, the OM has to be completely forgotten. The problem is that if the OM sends you a message tomorrow, what will you do? Further, will you have any accountability for how you respond?

If you've decided to try to save the marriage, then at some point you need to tell your husband about the OM. You owe him that, just like he would owe you the same if the situation were reversed. As long as it wasn't physical, I think you can explain it carefully so that it does minimal damage. You can explain what happened, but that it is over now and you've decided that you never want to see or speak to OM again, and that ending that relationship is what made you realize how far astray your marriage has gone, how you are responsible for a lot of that, and convinced you that you want to turn the marriage around. Ultimately, ask for forgiveness, and understand that he'll probably need some time to extend forgiveness, likely after a long series of questions.

Honestly I think you both can save your marriage. Good luck!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

maybe you should consider MC to help you or a programme such as the Mort Fertel one to give you some structure in dealing with your marriage step by step. I wish you all the best in this and do keep posting


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