# Unbiased advice please? I WANT divorce but it seems so foolish



## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

Please please please respond. I have an embarrassing and disappointing situation and my other posts can maybe explain in detail what was going on the bast few months. I married my husband in August 2009 and left him at the end of December 2009. The "marriage" was dreadful. Immediately he set to change me, to teach me how to be more like the person he wants. We had a whirlwind romance and dated a year before getting married. We thought we knew each other so well and we thought we were soul mates. Soon after the wedding I was doubting that idea. We had a difficult time adapting to each other and soon those difficulties manifested themselves in my husbands anger. He became verbally abusive and eventually that led to physical abuse. I see the physical side as being minor, many others have it far worse. It all comes down to the fact that I think he has major control and anger issues. I do not see how that can be fixed. He tries to control all aspects of my life and he is very manipulative. After I left we sought counseling separately with very different outcomes. The counselor I saw was appalled at his behavior and completely backs up my desire for a divorce. She actually believes that I deserve an annulment because he basically concealed his real self our entire courtship. He on the other hand has a counselor who believes that his problems are not an inherent piece of him but the result of a series of bad decisions on his part.

Regardless I need help with the divorce thing. We have only been separated for three weeks but I have not had any difference in opinion. From day one of leaving I felt like I never wanted to go home. As of now I do not love him at all. The man I thought I was marrying is far different than the man I saw every day. 

I feel that if I get a quick divorce my life can move on. I am still very young (23) and I have my whole life ahead of me. I feel that I should start over without him and do so sooner rather than later.

I welcome ALL advice. Please share. Am I being hasty? Are there any anti-divorce arguments? So far everyone I have spoken to on my end completely stands by my desire to end the marriage but I was not brought up like that. I was brought up to hold marriage as sacred and to be protected at all costs. Now I am walking away from my marriage after just a few months of trying. 

PLEASE HELP


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am only peripherally aware of Catholic doctrine (done some reading) but you may be entitled to an annulment if he did conceal something of material importance.

What happens is the case goes before a tribunal. Compared to the courts, they'll investigate more of the "personals" of the matter and then decide if the marriage was valid or not. From what I have heard on this. . .the marriage being in a constant state of consummation, sexual orientation, hiding a disease/fertility are grounds for annulment among a whole host of other factors.

(I am not a priest nor an expert on Catholic doctrine - I think they call them "apologists")

My point is. . .I don't really know. . .but I think the longer you let it go on, the more likely it would be deemed a valid marriage. So there's your conundrum.

If your religioius doctrine (you didn't mention if you were Catholic) allows you to have this, that's what it's there for - the Church designed it for you. Don't be shy about asking for it. The worst that can happen is they say, "No." and then you make the legal decision.

Your religious views seem to be affecting your decision-making process so I would involve a priest at this point in your discussion. They deal with drama every day so again, just approach them. It's their job.

Good luck.

PS: I wasn't aware of this but I think the Church views "consummation" as an ongoing process, rather than a one time wedding night thing. . .if he was physically abusing you and verbally right from the get-go, the "consummation" process seems invalid as you may consummated out of obligation, rather than willingness. . .you know? 

(sorry if I am getting too personal - but from what I understand, this is what the tribunal will get into)


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I am sorry to hear about your situation. And, of course, it's easy to sit back and tell someone else what to do. However, you are so young, and you have your whole life ahead of you-you do not need to deal with physical abuse-it's illegal, immoral, period, end of story. I dealt with that myself, and it almost killed me. I would seriously look into the annulment thing.
Good luck to you-I wish you the very best.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

IMO whether it's an anulment or a divorce, I would not stay in an abusive marriage. This guy is NOT going to change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It would only get worse. Move on.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I would also want to add that annulment is an interesting religious concept (and I think it's legal too). . .the word literally means it never happened. . .it was never valid.

You can have 11 kids and 40 years of living together and have a marriage annulled (sometimes - depending on extenuating circumstances) so I would explore the concept because it seems religious doctrine is important to you (you mentioned how you view marriage as sacred, etc).


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