# Communication Thesis



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Communication Thesis

Communication is one of the most important things in our lives. It dictates the jobs we get, the education we obtain, and the relationships we forge. All too often we think our skills are much better than they really are. Effective communication should be clear, concise, accurate, well-planned.

I)	Polls ~ Every time a poll has been taken it suggest the importance of communication and at the same time it shows that we lack that ability to do that.

A)	In the job market employers that are polled have said that communication skill is the most important skill an employee can have 64% that hiring a new person can depend on their communication level 78% and can mean the difference in getting a raise 52%.

B)	Couples polled were not that different. Of the most important thing to a marriage or relationship the most important thing was Communication by 42% It beat out love, romance, kindness, sex, matching libidos, support & understanding, money, Similar Religious Beliefs, laughter, Morals, trust, in-laws, faithfulness, and having fun.

C)	So the question becomes how good do we communicate? When asked people responded by the following 22% great and 54% very well. Yet the work place bosses classified the same people at 6% great and 21% very well. At the same time spouses were more brutal giving their SO 2% and 13% respectively additionally spouses only got 19% good.

1)	This means on average most spouses’ think their partner is subpar at true communication.

D)	On complimenting one another only 52% of people said they complimented their partner in the last day

II)	Better Skills ~ so the question becomes if we always over estimate how good we communicate then how do we find out if we need to improve? Well, personally I’d take it a step further. I think that everyone should always be in the habit of trying to get better.

III)	The message ~ the message you are trying to convey should be to the point, organized and free of errors. 

A)	Too much information to fast just overwhelms the other person.

B)	Consider the amount of time the other person has. If they are rushing off to work they will not want to plan the family vacation. They may not even have the time to do so.

IV)	Questioning your Questions ~ If you ask the wrong question you will not get the answer you are looking for. As with computers the saying is the same. Garbage in garbage out. So think about your question and make sure you ask the right question for the situation. Asking the right questions can help a relationship. Questions can help you learn, build Relationships, manage, avoiding misunderstandings, diffuse a situation, persuade someone. So let’s look at the type of questions.

A)	Closed question ~ A closed question can be answered with a one word answer. “Did you bring out the trash?” “Yes.”

1)	Testing your understanding.
2)	Concluding a discussion.
3)	Making a decision.
4)	Setting a frame.
i)	A bad closed question can end a conversation too quickly.

B)	Open Question ~ One that requires more than one word to answer and usually involves the other person’s opinions, feelings or knowledge. Often the person is asked to describe what happened. “What did you do in school today?”

1)	Developed a conversation.
2)	Get more details.
3)	Find out the other persons opinion.
C)	Funnel Questions ~ Are used to dig deeper and get answers you are looking for. You start with a general question and use each part to get to the next question. 
“Did you go out after work/”
_ “Yes.”_
“Where did you go?”
_ “To the bar.”_
1) By funneling questions you can find more things you want to ask questions about.
2) You can find out more details.
3) Gain interest.
4) Increase confidence.

D) Probing Questions ~Gets to the who, what, when, where and why. It helps to clarify answers.

E) Leading Questions ~ These are the questions that lead someone to the points you want them to be at.

F) Rhetorical Questions ~ they really are not true questions. Most of the time they are not going to be well received.

V) Listening ~ Listening and taking in information maybe one of the most important parts of communicating. When I was younger I had to deal with a father who was a bad communicator. Often he would argue a point I was agreeing with him on because he just wouldn’t listen to what I was saying or was so passionate about what he was saying only through negative could he express his view.

A) Listening helps to build trust since your partner knows that you hear their worries and concerns.

B) Listening helps intellectually and emotionally in relationships.

C) Patience is a virtue to listening. Don’t cut off what people have to say to make your point “more right” then theirs.

D) Do you understand their questions?

VI) Prepare ~ But do not over prepare. In a relationship if you spend hours getting ready for a conversation more often than not it will come across as phony, an ambush, and often will end in an argument.

VII) Compromise ~ If you need to resolve issues there are very few cases where you can’t both get what you wanted. However here are some things to consider.

A)	What goals do you have or want.

B)	What can you trade and what are you willing to give up.

C)	Are there alternatives to the problem?

D)	What is the history or background of the situation?

E)	What are the consequences if the negotiation goes bad?

F)	Who loses the most power/control from the agreement?

G)	What other solutions can be put on the table for discussion?

H)	Have you viewed or heard their position on the subject?

I)	Do you expect them to agree with you because you want control?

J)	Can you learn from this?

K)	Ask yourself if you are being truthful?

L)	Are you doing this just for expectation of reciprocation?

M)	Are you being clear?

VIII) Negotiations ~ Good negotiations can be a win-win and further helps with communication later on, plus builds trust. Getting to emotional can often sabotage any discussion because it can come across as weakness, rage or manipulation. That is not to say that you can’t discuss emotional needs however.

IX) Win-Lose ~ Sometimes situations are win/lose. Most often these are relationship enders.

X) Be realistic ~ although communication can help any relationship never expect others to “make” you happy. Only you can do that.

XI) Baiting ~ Be careful of baiting. These often get short term effects but tend to wear out their welcome.
“If you loved me you would…”
“A wife/Husband should…”
“A friend’s husband/wife does….”

XII) Body language ~ often body language can say more than words. Have you ever understood the difference of positions, eyes etc?

A)	Looking someone in the eyes often means they are interested and want to know more

B)	Looking down can mean they are uncomfortable, below you, or feel unworthy.

C)	Locked eyes at one spot say they are nervous. 

D)	Leaning or looking away may mean they are uncomfortable, or unhappy with you. They feel they need space or a break. It can also mean they think you are overbearing.

E)	Looking up as they are thinking intently.

F)	Winking might mean they want it as an inside secret.

G)	If they close their eyes half way might mean they are suspicious, or probing.

H)	Eyes wide open as if they are surprised, or amazed.

I)	A raised eyebrow as in “oh really?”

J)	A frown normally says They are bored or unhappy.

K)	A dropped jaw as in total disbelief.

L)	Biting their bottom lip can be either flirty or nervous. 

M)	Smiling with teeth often means they are happy.

N)	Closed legs normally mean a person is modest. Open legs they are bold.

O)	Hunched shoulders normally mean they want to be alone or are hurt.

P)	If they touch your arm it can be for affection or to get your attention/control.

Q)	If they touch your neck face or waist often it means they are looking for you to trust them at a deep level or they are showing affection.

R)	Arms crossed if they feel like they are protecting or defending themselves.

XIII) Better ways ~ There are always better ways to communicate.

A)	Turn off TV, Radios etc as ambient noise can distract from the conversation.

B)	Speak as clear and slowly as needed (without exaggerating0 to make the conversation understood.

C)	Avoid swearing, swear can catch a moment but all the time swearing adds nothing and becomes so common it loses the shock value.

D)	Position yourself close to the person.

E)	Do not sit facing a source or light as it can be distracting.

F)	Repeat or ask them to repeat things not understood.
G)	Speak in turn.

XIV) Control ~ sometimes with people that have a problem communicating you needs to control the situation. If you follow all the other steps without success have them sit down in an area without distractions. Take their hands in yours while you stand leaning towards them.

XV) Handed ~ Often how a person writes such as right handed or left handed often demist rates how they might think and how to better communicate with them

A)	Right handed = Left brain = Logical thinker

B)	Left hander = right brain = creative (abstract) thinker 

C)	Sometimes people are Id thinkers not using their brain to communicate but to bully.

XVI) Avoid ~ Try to avoid these common mistakes.

A)	Taking things for granted.

B)	Assuming you can read other people’s minds.

C)	Blame others for all break downs in communication.

D)	Agreeing to something you don’t want to.

E)	Playing the role of a psychologist.

F)	Physically or mentally threatening the other person.

G)	Using silence as a weapon just encourages them to do the same.

XVII) Timeout ~ Sometimes taking a break because things are getting too heated can help. Take five minutes away if need be to say what you really mean.

Conclusion ~ we can always improve how we communicate and none of us are perfect. Keep calm, listen, build trust and try new ways. Communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship.

draconis


----------



## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

I'm going to bookmark this to come back & look at with my partner Draconis, thankyou. It'll make a great talking point, as communication is something that we need to work on.


----------



## confused80 (May 30, 2008)

That is really awesome. Thank you for sharing!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Green-Moo said:


> I'm going to bookmark this to come back & look at with my partner Draconis, thankyou. It'll make a great talking point, as communication is something that we need to work on.



I am honored.

draconis


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confused80 said:


> That is really awesome. Thank you for sharing!


Thank you very much.

draconis


----------



## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Very well written. I am printing this one out so I can read it over a couple of times just to get the hang of it in my head.
Thanks draconis for sharing


----------

