# What to do for a better sex life ?



## Asker (Oct 5, 2012)

Hi Forum,

Precisely and concisely, My sexual life with my wife is extremely awful, and I am really sad because of that. Anyhow, I will explain my situation as points:

1) I am in my late twenties, married since 2 years, and we don't have children yet.

2) I am not a happy person in general. My life is very stressful with a job that I don't like, my dear mother is very sick, financial problems...etc.

3) I and my wife were virgins (Due to our cultural and religious backgrounds), So, We both never engaged in any kind of sexual acts before our marriage.

4) Thankfully, I don't have any serious nor chronic diseases. Also, I don't drink alcohol nor smoke at all.

5) Since the wedding night till now my libido is very low. I do not have any sexual desire, and I never wanted to have sex with my wife.

6) I am not sexually aroused by her regardless how beautiful she looks or wears.

7) We have sex about twice or thrice a month only when my wife pushes me to do it. I don't really enjoy it. I am not sure if my wife does (I think my wife is unhappy too, and this makes me also sad).

8) Some times I don't get full erection or I lose the erection in the beginning or in the middle which make both of us very frustrated.

9) My wife is willing to do anything for me (BJs...etc).

10) Before marriage, I used to watch lots of porn and masturbate once or twice a day.

11) After marriage, I still watch porn but not too often (About 30 Minutes twice a week). Also, I don't watch the typical boring porn. I mean, I really hated porn, But, I just watch the real sex clips which are taken through hidden cameras or scandals or some real stuff (Not the usual acting scripted porn).

- Also, I still masturbate even sometimes I feel I enjoy it more than having sex.

12) I went to general practitioner (GP) and told her about my problem (Very low sexual desire), and did testosterone test. Thankfully, The results were quite fine, and she (The doctor) told me that the results shows that your testosterone level is very normal with your age, and she said: Physically you are fine, But maybe it is something in your thoughts, and that is something I cannot help you with. So, She sent me to a specialist (Sexual therapist).

13) I went to the sexual therapist, and she was a moronic goon. I don't know is it because of the language (I tried to communicate with her in English about my issues. She doesn't speak so good English, and I don't speak her language), However, I felt that she understood my problems (Or some of them), But she is incompetent and useless, Because she was unable to make an sensible suggestions, She was like:

- Well, Why don't you fantasize about other women and use your imagination to have sex with your wife.

- Why don't you buy this plastic ring which you can put it on the base of your shaft to keep the erection.

Maybe, I am wrong in evaluating this sexual therapist. But nowadays, Thankfully I don't have this erection problem anymore.

14) I really envy those who have sex twice a week or even more. I wish I can love and enjoy sex.


So, Could you please help me out?

How can I increase/improve my libido? What can I do physically or mentally to be sexually aroused by my wife?


I would greatly and sincerely appreciate your inputs !

PS: Sorry for my broken English, and sorry for the long post.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Wow.... 

You do realize how DEVESTATING this is to your wife right?

I have nothing for you other than you need to cut her loose if you can't wrap your mind around the fact that you are really messing her mind up. 

Sounds like you tried a lot.... if its not there divorce her and do her a favor. She deserves much better.

So if you don't want sex then you shouldn't be married in the first place. I'll never ever understand why a guy gets marries that doesn't find his wife sexually attractive to him.

Sounds like you need to seriously re-evaluate your commitments and vows to your wife. You need to not bring your job stress home.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Wow.... 

You do realize how DEVESTATING this is to your wife right?

I have nothing for you other than you need to cut her loose if you can't wrap your mind around the fact that you are really messing her mind up. 

Sounds like you tried a lot.... if its not there divorce her and do her a favor. She deserves much better.

So if you don't want sex then you shouldn't be married in the first place. I'll never ever understand why a guy gets marries that doesn't find his wife sexually attractive to him.

Don't have kids until you figure out the issue.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Wow.... 

You do realize how DEVESTATING this is to your wife right?

I have nothing for you other than you need to cut her loose if you can't wrap your mind around the fact that you are really messing her mind up and are willing to change.

Sounds like you tried a lot.... if its not there divorce her and do her a favor. She deserves much better.

So if you don't want sex then you shouldn't be married in the first place. I'll never ever understand why a guy gets marries that doesn't find his wife sexually attractive to him.

Don't have kids until you figure out he issue.

Seriously once a man goes off his wife sexually its extremely unlikely it'll ever return


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I am using my phone right now and do not have access to the article but there is a study that shows a link to chronic use of porn and lack of desire. When I get a chance I will look it up and post it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First, STOP masterbating! That's perhaps the biggest thing you can do to help yourself and your wife

Second, get into IC to find out whay you'd rather watch porn and whack off instead of having sex with your wife. You may have an addiction to porn


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yup. Stop the masturbating and porn 100%. When you feel like masturbating use your wife. Enlist her in helping to fight the addiction. Tell her you're going to do this and ask if she's willing to be used this way for a time.


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## jennablu (May 10, 2012)

Do you find other woman attractive?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Are you on any medications? What was you testosterone level?


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## Asker (Oct 5, 2012)

*@Trying2figureitout*
1) Of course, I know very well that my sexual relationship with my wife is terribly devastating for her and for me too, and this is why I am sad, this is why I am trying to work on it to fix it or at least improve it, and this is why I registered here and posted my issues.

2) Divorce is out of the question. I will never ever consider that...Why?

I come from a country which its society has a completely different cultural, religious, and philosophical backgrounds. Divorced women are considered shame to their family. If the husband divorced the woman, then, she will never ever get married again and the entire society (Especially her family) will treat her very badly with disrespect. Besides, Her mom passed away and her father is a proper jerk who doesn't care about anyone (Including his own sons and daughters).

So, I will never ever do this to her. She is suffering with me, But that is zillions times better than divorcing her.

Please (To all), No need to change the subject and talk about why in some countries the women have no rights...Well, We are not in a perfect world, and not every country is like the western world where women have rights and divorce is just a normal thing.

3) In my eyes she is gorgeous, and I care about her, love her, and will do anything for her. Nevertheless, I think my problem is a combination of: Low libido + Not sexually aroused by my wife.

4) I have been delaying the whole pregnancy thing, and my wife is pushing so hard on it. She really wishes to be a mother...We had many fights and arguements about this, and everytime I come up with excuses...


*@romantic_guy*
Thanks for your input. Well, You pointed out a problem...But what is the solution...
Yes, I know that porn is one of the reasons (If not the main reason) of why I am having all these problems.

*@Toffer*
I am really trying to stop watching porn and masturbation. I think I need support and encouragement from this site's visitors on how to have more self-discipline to stop that.

*@WorkingOnMe*
Thanks. I appreciate it, and will do.

*@jennablu*
This is something I didn't wanna bring up because I wanted to keep on focusing on my issues.

Yes, I do find other woman sexually attractive, and I feel like I want to jump their bones, including the ones whom are much less-prettier than my wife.

*@missymrs80*
No, Thankfully I am healthy and not on any medications. As for the testosterone level: I live in Europe and they use different units in the measurements. If I recall correctly, it was something like 22, and I am very certain that my number was falling between the average healthy normal range (I seen the paper by myself).

---

*Once again, My main questions are:

a) How can I increase/improve my libido?

b) What can I do physically or mentally to be sexually aroused by my wife?*


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Could it possibly be that you view your wife as just a wife/mother figure and not your lover? You admit that you are sexually aroused by other women and by women on film, just not your wife.

I think the answer to your first question (how to increase your libido) is that you don't need to. Your libido is just fine if you feel the desire to masturbate several times a week. That's not the issue.

I think your second question is really the heart of the matter. Why aren't you aroused by your wife? You say she is attractive and willing to do whatever you want. Have you tried role-playing in some way to make her less of your "wife" and more of one of those illicit strangers in the video? Maybe you could "secretly" watch her take a shower or pleasure herself and then you join her when you feel aroused? What is it about other women that turn you on?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you really want to give it your best.....stop masturbating totally, no matter how difficult you find it. You have gotten used to your own touch and that is obviously very detrimental in your particular case. Also totally stop the porn. Both of these should start to improve your libido and attraction if you are committed to this. With low libido you can't do the above things if you want a married sex life. When you have the urge think of your wife and how unnatural you are making her feel!


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## TheMonogamista (Oct 5, 2012)

indiecat said:


> If you really want to give it your best.....stop masturbating totally, no matter how difficult you find it. You have gotten used to your own touch and that is obviously very detrimental in your particular case. Also totally stop the porn.


I second this! Every time you masturbate or look at porn, you are taking away something from your wife that she deserves, needs, and craves. Give her everything of yourself! Don't be stingy!
I know that it must ease your frustrations to masturbate and look at porn...but it is momentary relief, and it only worsens the overall problem.
Yes, stop the masturbation and porn. As soon as you feel the urge to does those things, turn to your wife. The best of luck! Don't give up! It can get better!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> First, STOP masterbating! That's perhaps the biggest thing you can do to help yourself and your wife
> 
> Second, get into IC to find out whay you'd rather watch porn and whack off instead of having sex with your wife. You may have an addiction to porn


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Ok...here are the articles regarding use of porn and sexual dysfunction:

Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today

Italian men suffer 'sexual anorexia' after Internet porn use - ANSA English - ANSA.it


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

There are so many ways on how you could improve our sex life.


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