# Husband's Ex on Facebook...Not so innocent!



## Jessieots (Sep 17, 2010)

I need some help and some validation to weather I am being too controlling and paranoid. My husband of nearly 7 years befriended his old girlfriend on FB nearly 6 months ago. When I found out I was unhappy but knew it was innocent. On my husbands birthday she sent him a birthday message hinting she would give him sexual favors for his birthday present. I confronted my husband and he was upset that his ex did that. Now she has opened a second account on FB only for her closest friends. My husband felt the need to accept that friendship too. I trust my husband and can't imagine he would ever cheat on me, but at the same time I wonder if he wants to. Maybe I am not the love of his life? I have expressed my concerns to my husband. I don't know if I have a right to ask him to un friend her, or if I am over reacting. I feel so disrespected and embarrassed when our friends and family see them become friends again. Do I just let this fly or do I need to set some kind of ultimatum. I know I would leave him if I ever found him cheating, he knows that too. I just don't think he understands or cares how I feel about this.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

There's a difference between not "understanding" and not "caring" how you feel...hopefully it's the first one.

I'd be bothered by it too, but don't know if I'd make anything of it unless he's responding to her flirtatiously in kind? He can't control her actions. I think it's more about how he's handling it than anything -- any ideas of how he responds to her advances? If you trust him, then trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Otherwise, he may become resentful.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Demand he unfriend her. If he respects your marriage and you he will gladly do this.


----------



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

What you do really depends on the specifics of your relationship. I am friends with my ex on Facebook and it is not a problem. My husband and I are both Facebook friends with one of his exes. Only you know what the situation was between your husband and his ex and whether or not it is awkward that they are friends.

I also want to add that, with all due respect, although you say you trust your husband, your post reads as though you don't trust him at all. You wouldn't be suspicious and wondering about the possibility of an affair if you truly, truly trusted him.

You used the word ultimatum. That is a scary word to me and should be avoided at all costs. I would not want to be on the receiving end of an ultimatum. I would prefer a calm, rational request for a change in behavior followed by the reasons why the change was being requested. If I knew that I was hurting somebody I loved, I would stop doing whatever was hurting them. I wouldn't need an ultimatum.

The bottom line is that if it is bothering you as much as it seems to be you have every right to ask your husband to defriend her. Just explain to him that it makes you a little uncomfortable. If he cares about your feelings, he'll do it.


----------



## Jessieots (Sep 17, 2010)

I do trust my husband but feel the boundaries are being testing. It is clearly not appropriate for an ex to offer sexual favors. In my opinion this should have been the end of the friendship. I don't want to be the one who has to tell him to do the right thing. I just don't understand why he thinks this relationship is so important. When I have talked to him he says that he feels like I am accusing him of doing something wrong. The only thing that is wrong is his need to continue this relationship after I have expressed how upset, uncertain, and insecure this makes me feel.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Jessieots said:


> I do trust my husband but feel the boundaries are being testing. It is clearly not appropriate for an ex to offer sexual favors. In my opinion this should have been the end of the friendship. I don't want to be the one who has to tell him to do the right thing. I just don't understand why he thinks this relationship is so important. When I have talked to him he says that he feels like I am accusing him of doing something wrong. The only thing that is wrong is his need to continue this relationship after I have expressed how upset, uncertain, and insecure this makes me feel.


Exactly, it's not an innocent friendship. You don't need a right to feel as if a line is being crossed. It's clearly been crossed. Your husband is being tempted. Please ask him to stop for the sake of your relationship.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Yikes and OUCH. Honey that's crap! There is absolutely NO reason or explanation for the socializing with her besides he is selfish & wants the attention. Apparently he is selfish enough to put your feelings last in the matter. 
I agree its unfair he makes you have to play moral police... if it were me I would spin it a different direction- rather than complaining that it hurts your feelings (which isnt working) tell him that you are far too busy and mature to be playing games. Ask him if he thinks its fair and worth him putting you in this AWKWARD situation. WAIT for a response calmly - the key is to get him thinking rather than brushing you off or bullcrapping his way out of the hot seat. 
If he downplays the situation then ask him if he believes in fairness and trust. Tell him he must not trust your word if he doesnt believe that the situation is hurtful. Once you feel you backed him into a moment where you feel your point is across touchingly then you walk away and back off so he can think. Men suck at being cornered and will do anything to talk out. If you leave him to is thoughts and the last powerful thing u said - hopefully he will turn it around and realize how damaging it is to the marriage and seriously not worth the drama. Hes gonna make u feel like u r the one being dramatic... but stick to your guns by acting annoyed hes put u guys here... even ask him what good he thinks comes out of her friendship! =D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

I wouldn't tolerate this at all. Trust also means that your husband will respect you and your relationship - this act is not very respectful in my opinion.  Don't tolerate it, nor accept excuses for his behavior.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

The voice of progressiveness will chime in. Do you trust your husband? Can you really stop anybody if their intention is too cheat? Really? You knowing about the EX FB friendship is power in itself.

I can't speak for your husband, but I've always wondered what that one EX was doing. I've been married or 10+ years, but I did have a life before and this one EX was a part of that for a few years. Obviously it didn't work out does that mean I suddenly could care less about her and her life? That she is no different from a stranger walking across the street?

She is married.....happily as am I! We both have kids etc and we are FB friends. Besides the one talk about the past we don't say much EVER "Boys are getting big" "Nice boat" and that's it. 

It's been almost a year and all of the "you will cheat" comments were thrown around back then. Talk to your husbad and ask him why he wants to know? 

I do see both sides of the fence equally. I do like to see what people of my past are doing and I find FB to be pretty awesome. Good luck in your dilemma.......as far as the sexual comments I would address that part. I'm in the minority good luck!


----------



## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i think ur over reacting. his ex shouldnt have offered sexual favours, but obviously he told you im assuming since you know. if he was hideing it i could understand but hes being honest with you. an ex is someoneyou cared and loved alot so i dont think you can expect them to cut them out of their lives. one of my bestfriends is an ex boyfriend and i think its healthy and good if you can still be friends with people


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> The voice of progressiveness will chime in. Do you trust your husband? Can you really stop anybody if their intention is too cheat? Really? You knowing about the EX FB friendship is power in itself.
> 
> I can't speak for your husband, but I've always wondered what that one EX was doing. I've been married or 10+ years, but I did have a life before and this one EX was a part of that for a few years. Obviously it didn't work out does that mean I suddenly could care less about her and her life? That she is no different from a stranger walking across the street?
> 
> ...


Ummm...did your ex send sexual innuendos to you on facebook for your birthday? In your case it might be no big deal but if you re-read the poster's case you'll see that it has already gone too far.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Making 'demands' is a bad way to treat your partner. I wouldn't suggest going this way. 

However, the friendship is now inappropriate, the line has been crossed. He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but this friendship now makes you uncomfortable and that is what matters.

You need to sit down and let him know how you feel about his continued friendship with someone who is obviously not going to respect the fact that he is married and who is interested in having a 'more than friendship' relationship with him. You can request that he cut off the friendship because of the effect it is having on you, his wife. That is what married couples do, they love and protect their spouse. He needs to start thinking about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would it bother him if you had an ex that made sexual offers to you and you kept contact with him?

Hope it works out. Good luck.


----------



## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Demand he unfriend her. If he respects your marriage and you he will gladly do this.


Awesome way to demonstrate that you have no trust in him and he might as well cheat on you, since he'll be treated like it either way


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

When she offered the sexual favors then he applied to be her close friend on the other fb account that let her know he is interested. If he was so upset then why continue the friendship. He probably won't cheat he just wants the attention. He may want the high it gives him to know another woman wants him, especially sexually.

I have no desire to befriend my ex. I wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Quicksand said:


> Awesome way to demonstrate that you have no trust in him and he might as well cheat on you, since he'll be treated like it either way


Are you being facetious? 

If this happened in my marriage either to my husband or to me and one or the other asked that the person be de-friended it'd be no big deal. That's because caring about what the other feels and being willing to give up petty things that mean nothing to your relationship or life in order to make the other more comfortable is a no brainer for us.

Just offering advice based on my own experience. She's free to allow any ex to send sexual innuendos to her husband if she's afraid that speaking up about her feelings might make her husband cheat on her. 

I am being facetious as well!


----------



## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

You should insist that he unfriend her. Do you very best to explain to him why he shouldn't be friended with her on facebook and how it makes you feel. Do no put him on the defensive, he'll probably refuse to unfriend her.

Let me tell you my story. My husband friended his x on facebook back in May'ish time frame. At the end of June the affair started. At his families 4th of July BBQ she showed up, I saw in action what was going on, the flirting and such, but no proof. By the end of July I pulled my head out of the sand and checked his email accounts, facebook, etc. Found all the proof that I needed of their affair. He chose to end it and work on it, I chose to stay. But, the innocent relationship started via Facebook. Facebook makes it super easy for people to reconnect. If you are uncomfortable with this relationship he's having with her. Whatever kind of relationship it might be, request that he unfriend her. Watch his every move. Trust but verify!


----------



## lonleywife (Sep 21, 2010)

I know how u feel i went through the same. What i did was ask him to unfriend her and he did. He told me nothing was going on but i still had a dought. I caught him txt her on his phone. I called her and she clearly explained that nothing was going on.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Of course your husband loves you! You don't even need to question about that. 

If I were you I would not overate this issue because you are kinda wanting him to think, "Oh why that woman is such an important issue?"

If you are paranoid pushing on him, you will give negative reinforcement to your husband and make that woman look larger and bigger.

As a legal wife, you don't even need to compete with her or give a damn about any rubbish woman on facebook. 

So you won't overate their importantce.

The fact is, you husband is clean and faithful to you.

Unless a dumb idiot who is more dumb than an idiot comes to challenge your position as an legal wife and becomes a threat to your family. Then you will fight back until she sticks her head to the ground.

P.S. my husband has facebook also, he has more than 1000 friends. I'm not going to check out one by one and give a damn about who's the ex gf.

Like Metallica said, "We don't give a ****."


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you value something you guard it. I don't see it as merely a matter of trust but one of respect...for you and for your marriage. Respect for the marriage means your husband shouldn't allow continued contact with any woman who overtly gives him sexually innuendos. Respect for the marriage should dictate that he not be FB friends with an ex if he knows that doing so causes you concern.
I've had exes try to "friend" me on FB but I know chatting up an ex isn't going to add to my domestic harmony and it's going to likely create unnecessary stress and friction in my home. Why do it? I'm not dating anymore. I've found mine. Once I make my purchase, I leave the store. Maintaining contact with old sexual partners just makes it that much easier to turn to one when there's turmoil in the marriage (and if you live with anyone long enough, there's going to be turmoil). I think it's just asking for trouble and I can't see any feasible benefit that's worth the risk.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I think you have a very good view in marriage. If you tell any husband in this way, he would cut off contacts right away and make sure you see it.

I don't think my views are better but I have my own approach- my hubby should get rid of unwanted contacts by himself, not by my telling/pushing/explaining why he should.

I'd waited for a good timing to reminder him. 

This was how I did it. 

I found a peaceful night and he was about to go to bed. I hugged and kissed him, and he felt so supprised and happy. Then in his arms, I told him, there's one thing I need you to know. (He was happy to listen.) 

I told him,"I love you very much and I will be expecting in the future because we both want a baby."


"I know sometimes you want to chat with friends on the internet and you have many friends. I really don't mind but pls promise me that you know where the limit is, and you will not bring any harms to me and our family."


He quickly hugged and kissed me. He assured me firmly he loves me and our family only. He said he only chatted to his true old friends who I know. He also promised me.

So my point is:

Men are very smart. They know what women concern the most. 

I actually no need to spend long hours in making him understand my every thought... 

A small, loving reminder will do the work.

Usually men don't think so much as women. Therefore, I don't tust in manipulating or insisting in change a man. Although you can see a man listen to you immediately by pushing him to obey you but this method only cures a problem on the surface. 

I only give him "Main Ideas." and he immediately knows what to do.

So I just lay back and let him to guard the marriage.

I don't check and I don't worry but I'm always ready to knock down a homewrecker with full power. 

Wish it helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

DEMANDING that your H unfriend her is a great thing to do if you want to add a whole other dynamic to the problem and complicate things even further.

It's entirely possible that your H knows you trust him, knows he'd never cheat, and just thinks "whatever, it's only FB", and thinks it's no big deal.

Let him know you think what his ex said to him was inappropriate, and that you'd feel respected and cared for if he would take her off his friend's list. 

If he doesn't respond, gets angry, defensive, or agrees and then keeps corresponding with her behind your back, then you have a problem.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I had dealt with a similar problem in a similar approach like you before and I learnt a fact after 4 years insisting in changing a man that- No man is afraid of being threaten by a wife. They can look obedient at that moment only because they want you to stop talking.

I have changed my approach 2 years ago and found it works more effectively. My husband has been much more faithful and loving. Everyday he would rush home and spend all his weekends with me and family.

He has been very responsible also. I don't anyhow give a suggestion without a good result of experiement.

Of course you should figure out your own method as some women feel more comfortable to play it tough and some women feel better to play it soft.

No matter what method, as long as it works, is a good method.

So you don't have to agree with my method. Mine is only one of the refereces.

After all we are all here to give an idea. Please don't get mad with me...


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

FB is just a medium. Would it be ok for your spouse to talk to an ex every day over the phone? How about exchanging letters every day? Meeting for coffee every afternoon? If it wouldn't be ok in those situations, why would it be ok on FB? Why would some married people never go to a bar and openly flirt with strangers but they'll do it for hours over the internet and think it's ok? 
I guess I'm just old. I think of my marriage as this little special circle. I don't let anyone else into the circle and I don't venture out of it. I don't even let my kids, parents, or siblings inside that circle. To me, chatting up an ex would require that I step out of that circle. Being too friendly with any woman would risk bringing them inside that circle where they just don't belong. If I am frustrated or unhappy with my wife for some reason, no other woman needs to know that, especially if I've previously had a romantic or sexual relationship with her. 
I discuss my personal business here because nobody knows me, but I wouldn't risk it with friends, male or female. There are lots of lonely people out there who might view trouble in my marriage as an opportunity to exploit. 
Trust is great and it's necessary, but it can also begin to look a lot like indifference. If I were free to talk any way to any woman without any adverse reaction from my wife, I'd get the notion she just didn't care and I'd probably be right.


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Messages on FB can be easily ignored and unrequited. They aren't like phone calls or face-to-face meetings in that they aren't intrusions into your physical world. Unless of course your one of those people who "lives" on FB, then it's different.

If I were in you H's shoes I'd probably handle it the same way he did. I wouldn't unfriend her, I just wouldn't reciprocate. Any conversation I had with the ex would be kept strictly on an acquaintance level. 

This actually shows that your H is secure with you. He doesn't feel he has to delete things for fear that you will get upset. He trusts you and trusts you can handle it.

That's not to say you should be okay with it. But if you start acting like a lunatic over something he feels is no big deal (after all HE didn't do anything wrong) he may be disillusioned about the strength of your relationship, and start hiding things from you simply because he's afraid you will react badly.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> Messages on FB can be easily ignored and unrequited. They aren't like phone calls or face-to-face meetings in that they aren't intrusions into your physical world. Unless of course your one of those people who "lives" on FB, then it's different.
> 
> If I were in you H's shoes I'd probably handle it the same way he did. I wouldn't unfriend her, I just wouldn't reciprocate. Any conversation I had with the ex would be kept strictly on an acquaintance level.
> 
> ...


I disagree. I think if the husband was completely 'secure' in the marriage, he wouldn't even need to have his wife ask him to remove the woman from his friends list after she crossed the line, he would've just done it. That's the difference between a man who is truly faithful and loving to his wife, and a man that thinks his wife should just put up with it.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anyone on earth can call my phone or write me without my invitation. The guy in the OP had to "friend" his ex and daily choose to not "unfriend" her or she wouldn't be able to contact him. OP is aware that ex sent him very inappropriate messages and she is aware that he hasn't discontinued contact, so it's logical for her to assume he likes that sort of contact from his ex and wishes for it to continue or escalate.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

breeze said:


> I disagree. I think if the husband was completely 'secure' in the marriage, he wouldn't even need to have his wife ask him to remove the woman from his friends list after she crossed the line, he would've just done it. That's the difference between a man who is truly faithful and loving to his wife, and a man that thinks his wife should just put up with it.


If I saw that message that the ex gf wrote and it's not too nasty, I'd leave a comment right under hers on H FB: He's taken.
If her message is a bit nasty: I will say, watch your tongue. If very nasty, I would probably comment, you're a homewrecker! So everybody will see it on FB that she's a ****. Why unfriend? It's more fun to see she gets some Fuc* up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Just an example when I need to take care of some rubbish women. However, she's still far from a homewrecker. There are too many dumb women in face book. I don't think I would check out one by one, including ex or ex ex, whosoever!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

breeze said:


> I disagree. I think if the husband was completely 'secure' in the marriage, he wouldn't even need to have his wife ask him to remove the woman from his friends list after she crossed the line, he would've just done it. That's the difference between a man who is truly faithful and loving to his wife, and a man that thinks his wife should just put up with it.


I'm not defending the H, or saying that the situation ok. I'm simply saying that demanding him to do something before communicating with him about the issue in a meaningful way is a knee-jerk reaction that will only add to the problem.

You should first determine how he feels about the situation, then communicate to him how you feel about it, before taking action. 

What I meant by him being secure is that possibly he doesn't find it necessary to hide things from his wife. Last I checked that was a good thing. Give him the benefit of the doubt before crucifying him, because it doesn't sound like he was trying to deceive his wife, he just lent himself to an unacceptable situation on the internet that needs to be addressed is all.

If it turns out there's something more that meets the eye going on, then OP should proceed accordingly. But she shouldn't jump to conclusions prematurely. That can only make things worse.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

friendly said:


> If I saw that message that the ex gf wrote and it's not too nasty, I'd leave a comment right under hers on H FB: He's taken.
> If her message is a bit nasty: I will say, watch your tongue. If very nasty, I would probably comment, you're a homewrecker! So everybody will see it on FB that she's a ****. Why unfriend? It's more fun to see she gets some Fuc* up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a childs game, no offense intended, but we're out of high school now, or so I would assume. It's better to cut contact with poisonous people than to sink to their level.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

You are right to have your own way to deal with your husband and yes you're offensive. 

Some women are more jealous while some women aren't.

There are tons of poisonous people on the internet, also on the streets, in the office, in daily life.

So how are you going to cut one by one? You cut one and then next one would come up. Better divorce so you have peace in mind.

If I would take care to cut, I just do it for fun. Not because I would give a damn about it.

I think it an unneeded thing to cut contacts, there are too many contacts, can you tell me how are you going to cut off all of them?

Important is the husband is faithful and didn't do anything wrong. 

My husband has more than 1000 friends world-wide. I'm not going to check out one by one. 

Unless you don't trust your husband and yourself or you enjoy being jealous. Then you should get ready because there's tons of shi* for you to cut in life. Not just from internet. So better you just lock your husband in the bedroom with you everyday so he won't have any contact to make you worry.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's not about jealousy, it's about a person choosing not to include an ex in their life that makes inappropriate suggestions/offers because that ex has disrespected their marriage, and therefore them and their spouse.

Checking 'thousands of friends' on facebook etc etc is not the issue.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Good that if you are able to make your husband obey your commands to cut off any inappropriate contacts, ONLY to make you happy.  

I'm sure the husband didn't care about that sort of inappropriate messages but BECAUSE the wife took it seriously. So he cut off the contact to make the wife happy. 

Hell yes, the wife is not jealous on his EX. She simply wished that damn EX would fuc* off with mouth shut and she's not jealous at all...

LOL


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's not about making demands, as I said earlier. We don't make demands of our spouse. There's nothing wrong with the OP feeling uncomfortable with her husband continuing contact with this other person. I don't think she's being unreasonable.

The other point I was trying to make earlier is that half the people here are saying the husband has done nothing wrong in continuing the friendship. I disagree with that.


----------



## Missbear2u (Jul 27, 2011)

My fiance whom I have been with for almost 8years ( recently cheated on me and we just got back together and engaged)... he has a daughter from a an acquaintance he has sex with with and no relationship. He never wanted a relationship with her but wanted his daughter it was 7 yrs ago the last contacted they had. He did fight for her and she went MIA with the daughter. When we got engaged I created an FB for him since then he has reconnected with a lot of friends and 2 Weeks ago I got a friend request from her mom and her separately then they friend Donnie.

He demanded I stay out of it and not friend either of them after i had written a nice letter to his daughter telling her i would let her define if any relationship we may have.

The daughter insists now that her mom has to be involved in their communication etc. She is 20 yrs old this person took his daughter out of his life and now friend-ed her on FB. I am pissed and feel disrespected. it is a social site not for that ***** to see what the hell is going on in our life !!!! He told me remove the FB then rather then defriend her. AM I wrong ?


----------



## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

I don't find it odd that they want to be friends on FB. However I disagree with her sending invitations for sexual favours, your husband should have stopped it right there. It possible could be for the attention. I do know males like to have the ego filled up. But you are with him, you can decide that.

Since he hasnt given you a reason not to trust him, I wouldnt worry too much about it as in him cheating.

But make sure you communicate your concerns with him. Talk to him about it, let him know it really bothers you, especially since she made advances on him. That is huge. This ex needs to go get a life away from yours. So talk to him about it first.


----------

