# Hi looking for answers.



## New to therapy (Mar 18, 2019)

Lets start,

Two and a half weeks ago my wife of 16 years packed up and left while i was at work. This is the fifth time (roughly every 2 years).

She left a text message that she wasn't happy, don't text or call. A week later send a message that she will drop the keys off. Two weekends go by and i receive a text that she had a dream that something was happening and she called my name and i didnt come. She called it a nightmare. She thinks it is trying to tell her something.

My response was that i have always been there.

Se replied that she cant stay due to her happiness, anger and complasiveness. She is doing what she should have done a long time ago.

Iam confused.

I am not always the easiest to live with, stress full job t bring it home, finances a mess. i pay every thing she contributes very little. i have to insist she helps.

Looking to gain some understanding.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well, this doesn't sound normal to just up and leave with no prior discussions about issues, and then ghost you.
Are you 100% sure she isn't having an affair -- physical or emotional? 
If this is the 5th time, why do you keep taking her back? At some point, you need to be firm with her and say that this type of behavior is NOT that of an adult, and she should now face the consequences of doing this.

I'm sure you love her which is why you take her back, but there is a difference between love and co-dependency.

VERY sorry that you are going through this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

does she have mental health/emotional issues?


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## New to therapy (Mar 18, 2019)

Thanks for the responses.

She has been in multiple abusive relationships before me. 

The way she leaves is her m o.

No affairs just picks up when things get tough emotionally, financially or life in general. She doesn't communicate what she is feeling until after she has left. Her words are you had no clue i hid it.


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## New to therapy (Mar 18, 2019)

I take her back because i do love her. I always hope this will be the last time she leaves.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Are there children involved? Where does she go? Do you really want her back or not--sounds like she prefers being gone. By now, do you not expect her two year ghosting right on schedule and would she not be likely to continue to do the disappearing act? Who is financing her adventures?

Have you abused her emotionally, physically, otherwise? Is there a sex life, intimacy, friendship, relationship? What do friends and relatives--folks who know y'all say?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should be looking to figure out why you still want to be with someone who left you 5 times in two years. File for divorce from this abusive person.

Love is a terrible reason to be married to someone when it's the only reason. Seriously dude go get some counseling.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sooner or later you have to stop being a doormat because that is what you are...and I do not believe for one moment there is not something going on....I realize it will take balls but I would tell not to come back.


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## New to therapy (Mar 18, 2019)

I have 2 adult kids at home. 1 university and 1 finishing high school. She goes to her daughters. Yes i want her back but not in the same situation. it needs to be for good. I have to admit that i feel a sense of dread around this time. She pay for herself.

I don't think i emotional abuse her, no physical abuse or other wise. Yes there is a sex life, we have always slept holding hands including the night before. Jobs, stress and money have impacted time together/ dates.

My kids thought that we were good. Family doesn't understand why they just assume more of the same.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

New to therapy said:


> I have 2 adult kids at home. 1 university and 1 finishing high school. She goes to her daughters. Yes i want her back but not in the same situation. it needs to be for good. I have to admit that i feel a sense of dread around this time. She pay for herself.
> 
> I don't think i emotional abuse her, no physical abuse or other wise. Yes there is a sex life, we have always slept holding hands including the night before. Jobs, stress and money have impacted time together/ dates.
> 
> My kids thought that we were good. Family doesn't understand why they just assume more of the same.


Every 2 years?

Does she have intimacy issues ie, can you talk of intimate subjects other than sex? Emotional connection or does she get tense and nervous?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds like you both had prior relationships. What happened in them? The first time she left was about 6 years into marriage? Do you have kids together?

She seems invested in marriage til she isn't? What do you think is the missing piece here--can't always have been stress and finances.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

New to therapy said:


> I take her back because i do love her. I always hope this will be the last time she leaves.


YOU need to make THIS the last time she leaves! Pack her crap and lock the doors. Love for someone is no excuse to allow them to abuse you and walk all over you. Get up off the floor dude, no woman is worth this kind of bullcrap.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Again, what do you love about her that is specific to her. Have you become comfortable with the way she treats you--doesn't sound like it? Think about it, there must be a trigger when she takes flight--what is it? 

You deserve better, don't you? Then expect/demand it. Set boundaries for yourself and others (especially her) and have consequences if they are broken. When those boundaries set ahead of time are crossed, then be strong in follow through. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your title is, "Hi looking for answers," but your OP doesn't ask any questions. It appears that you think your wife's leaving is somehow your fault. If she doesn't talk to you about what is bothering her and there is no attempt from her side to resolve any issues before she up and leaves, I cannot see how that would be your fault except in cases of abuse and you said you don't think you've been abusing her.

You appear to be very passive and have made it clear to your wife that it's allowable for her to do this. You can stop her by not letting her come back. If you really don't want to divorce your wife there are other options. #1 would be to tell her that she cannot come back until or unless the issues she is struggling with are resolved and #2 she become self-supporting. If you don't have those things in place it puts you in a difficult position and she is jerking you around. If you want to be happy, it's important to have some control over your own life, but you're going that to her. Not healthy. I think you each need individual counseling and marriage counseling if she wants to come back. But do not open the door for her to come back. She left. She deserted the marriage. It was her, not you that did those things. Don't think otherwise. If she wants to come back, make her work for it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just curious as to how you've addressed the issue after the second,third or even fourth time she did this and returned? You take her back because you love her,but how does she approach asking to return?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

New to therapy said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> She has been in multiple abusive relationships before me.
> 
> ...


To look at this from another angle: She flees when stressed. Heck, all humans want to flee when stressed--drink, eat, cry, sleep, hide, whatever. However, adults have learned that is not the answer. Maturity teaches us better coping skills. 

Why would past abusive relationships trigger her lack of resilience/perseverance? Surely, by now someone has called her on this. I'd like to see counseling to see if FOO (Family of origin) issues underlie her behavior.

Her not talking about this is a way to maintain a type of control--except it actually causes her more life stress. Why does she feel the need to hide? Marriage should be about two folks working together, not one living in secrecy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how many times will you let her do this...you realize she is writing the narrative to your life not you, you are no way in the driver seat of your own life, you are just a doormat.


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