# Maid of Honor Advice



## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Hi Ladies!
I wasn't sure where to post this, but could use some womanly advice on my upcoming friend's wedding. I am her maid of honor and she was my MOH when I got married in 2014.
I am hosting her upcoming bridal shower in a few months. I always thought the MOH covered the majority of the cost and never minded doing so when my time came to be a MOH.

However, at my bridal shower in 2014, my MOH hosted my bridal shower but my mother, mother in law and step mother in law all paid for the costs of the shower. The bridesmaids all contributed home made food and my MOH organized everything. There was a little tension back at the time as everyone felt my MOH did not contribute financially to the shower, yet she was hosting and organizing the whole event. She literally took the money from my family and put it towards everything, but didn't cover any costs herself. She even asked my fiancé for $200 as she ran out of money! :surprise:

Now 2 years later the time as come and it is her wedding. She isn't close to her father (don't currently speak), her mom has passed away a year ago and the groom's family has not reached out or gotten involved in her bridal shower at all. My friend has 8 other bridesmaids in her wedding party! So far, the entire cost of the bridal shower has been on my expense. I booked the venue, the alcohol for the sangria/mimosa bar, the invitations, the decorations, the party favours. I managed to get the 8 other bridesmaids to split the catering with me ($30 each). As there is 65 women invited!!!! The amount of people gave me a panic attack thinking how I was going to do this myself.
I am trying to get the other bridesmaids to pitch in with smaller things like balloons, a cake etc.
I have already spent $500 of my own money and still have more to buy if I can't get the girls to pitch in.

My nature is just to step up and make this a great event for her no matter what the cost. However, I feel sort of taken advantage of considering this was NOT done for my bridal shower and everyone I hear from had multiple people pitching in or all the bridesmaids together planned the event. I am in another wedding party and that bride's shower was last month and all 5 bridesmaids equally contributed!

Could really use some advice.. This is akward and I feel put in a bad position.

Thanks
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do what you can afford to do, and only that.

Did you involve the brides maids in all the planning?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I'm not a woman, but here's what it says on a women's etiquette site about this.

Bridal Shower Etiquette - Frequently Asked Questions

From this, it appears that your family typically would NOT have been expected to cover the cost of your bridal shower, since family doesn't host it. So your MOH didn't follow the etiquette for that by having your family pay.

Furthermore, as a rule, whenever someone is hosting any sort of event, the people hosting it should tailor the cost to what they can afford. That seems to me to suggest that you should have an agreement about the budget with anyone else who would have been hosting it along with you. I woudn't typically expect anyone to request others to pitch in if there wasn't a previous agreement (and they hadn't been part of the planning).


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Do what you can afford to do, and only that.
> 
> Did you involve the brides maids in all the planning?


I did, I have gotten a response on splitting the food $30 each from everyone. I asked if others would like to take care of anything specific and I got 4 out of the 8 responding back to cover some small items like paper plates/cups, 1 game and 1 prize. The other 4 bridesmaids haven't offered to help with anything else.

Given that I am MOH, with 8 other bridesmaids I didn't mind booking the venue myself and invitations and paying for that myself since I picked the theme and none of the other girls wanted to book a venue - they just wanted the shower in someone's backyard.
I mentioned since it was 65 guests, someone's house may be tough to pull off due to it being in September, we would need it indoors. No one seemed pumped about having a venue (my vibe due to the cost involved), so I took it upon myself to book the venue, which I have no issues covering as it was my idea. I know my friend wants a more formal sit-down kind of event.
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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I'm not a woman, but here's what it says on a women's etiquette site about this.
> 
> Bridal Shower Etiquette - Frequently Asked Questions
> 
> ...


I do agree with this - However when I originally offered to plan/host, I thought the shower would be for a reasonable number of guests like 25-30. Not 65!!! Costs go up exponentially when you have a lot of guests!
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your friend wants more than you can afford, she can pitch in financially. So basically you do what you can afford.

Balloons. Really? Why do you need balloons at a bridal show? Just drop that one.

What else could you drop?

Often at events like that you can bring your own cake, meaning that the venue does not supply it. Can you or one of the Brides Maids bake a cake? IT’s not hard to make a very good looking cake. And if you do that it only costs a few dollars.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this with a sit down meal?


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If your friend wants more than you can afford, she can pitch in financially. So basically you do what you can afford.
> 
> Balloons. Really? Why do you need balloons at a bridal show? Just drop that one.
> 
> ...



Maybe even cupcakes? That could be cheaper option too. I think my friend was under the impression that all the bridesmaids would be throwing her the shower. When I started the ball rolling, I definitely took more of an active approach but I never stated I would host. I just took the lead, as I feel the MOH should.
I always asked if the girls liked the theme, or did they have venues in mind? I tried to include them all from Day 1 to make them equally feel involved, but I definitely took a lead in the planning, which is normal in my opinion for the MOH. Trying to get all bridesmaids to agree on anything is a nightmare lol. I knew going in, I would have to lead it a bit. So far everything has been smooth (I am organized), I just don't know how to ask for help. I feel akward asking for money. I also am surprised no one family wise has offered to pitch in. I know etiquette wise it's not normal, but nowadays all I hear is how family did pitch in, since many know how expensive these events are!

I actually can't think of a bridal shower where all the bridesmaids and family hasn't pitched in!
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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Is this with a sit down meal?


Yes it is. We have a catering place bringing the meal at a per person cost - but it won't be served by waiters, more of an informal get up and serve yourself type of deal. But sit down tables/chairs
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cupcakes would be a good choice too.

You said that you cannot see being able to host 65 people in a home. Are you familiar with the homes of all the bride’s maids? Maybe one of them has a home that could be used. Maybe that’s why it was suggested? 

Did you include any of the family in the planning?



mariemount12 said:


> Yes it is. We have a catering place bringing the meal at a per person cost - but it won't be served by waiters, more of an informal get up and serve yourself type of deal. But sit down tables/chairs


One way to make it more affordable is to change it from a meal to heavy hors d'oeuvres. Again, do what you can afford.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

With 65 guests, I'm guessing that there was a general assumption that the shower would be a slightly more casual affair. Likely held in someone's home, with perhaps one type of alcoholic beverage offered, plus water and lemonade/tea, and a few platters of hors d'oeuvres. I'm not sure anyone was expecting a seated meal at a venue for 65 people. 

Is this level of formality and effort for a bridal shower actually commensurate with the customs in your social circle? Or is this shower turning out to be a little over the top from what's usually done? If it's the latter, then perhaps that explains why the other bridesmaids were not excited about the thought of renting a venue, pitching in for a catered meal, or taking on other tasks. This whole thing sounds like it's just gotten a little out of control and the other women involved are just uncomfortable with the situation.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Rowan said:


> With 65 guests, I'm guessing that there was a general assumption that the shower would be a slightly more casual affair. Likely held in someone's home, with perhaps one type of alcoholic beverage offered, plus water and lemonade/tea, and a few platters of hors d'oeuvres. I'm not sure anyone was expecting a seated meal at a venue for 65 people.
> 
> Is this level of formality and effort for a bridal shower actually commensurate with the customs in your social circle? Or is this shower turning out to be a little over the top from what's usually done? If it's the latter, then perhaps that explains why the other bridesmaids were not excited about the thought of renting a venue, pitching in for a catered meal, or taking on other tasks. This whole thing sounds like it's just gotten a little out of control and the other women involved are just uncomfortable with the situation.


The bride wanted and expected a sit down meal and a venue for her shower. She was under the impression that is the style of shower she would be getting. I and maybe 2 other girls thought this was suitable as well, so when the girls mentioned having the shower at someone's house, the three of us spoke up and said it should be a little more formal.
I got stuck with the venue bill, even the two girls who found the venue didn't offer to pitch in. So I booked it. I'm just a sucker I think. 

Then after the venue was booked, I got the guest list from the Bride and it was 75 people.... I almost fell off my chair!!
A normal bridal shower from what I have seen is around 30-40 people.

The girls all seemed a bit shocked when we got the guest list.
I told the Bride that I was taken aback by the 75 guests invited and that her venue only holds 65 max. She replied "Well hopefully everyone can't come?"

I'm actually pissed that was her response and I just said to her ok, well the venue holds 65 max seated at tables, so if all people come it's standing room only and will not be a seated meal type of event.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unless you can easily afford this you need to tell the bride that you just cannot do a sit down meal, etc.

You might want to remind her that with your wedding she did not pay for the shower herself, you family paid a good portion of it.

It's your job to manage expectations to be in line with what you can afford. If you cannot stand up for yourself and do this, then you get what you now are facing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is why people speak how Weddings are such a Racket.. and ridiculous.... when we married. I didn't expect a soul to do anything for me or us... His parents offered to pay for the catering since his Mom was best friends with a caterer.. we were thankful.. but we fully expected to pay for this too. 

This is basically unheard of... but I even bought the 4 girls their dresses & paid for the guys tuxes too.. a few of our friends were down & out...it's not like we would exclude them from the wedding party....I felt it was asking too much for them to even come up with some of that.. we had it.. so we offered.. and I bought a low cost tea length gown - hey good enough for me - who needs a "train" anyway .... No one threw me a Bridal shower.. and I didn't care.. we have a beautiful wedding with over 300 people.. It was a huge success... it was Unique.. we did some things very different...

Ya know what.. your friend is not a self aware person to EXPECT all this from you.. when she was in your shoes.. how she handled it - for your day..it's a shame we have to deal with people like this.. I'd have to open my mouth at some point.. if I were you.. otherwise this will always bother you.. it will affect the friendship.. it's NOT FAIR... she is not considering you -or the hardship this puts you under....

I think anyone getting married.. at the heart of it.. it may be OUR DAY... but the enjoyment of our guests sharing in our day.. we need to skim things down so people can afford it.. that's just my opinion...I was very mindful of this for my own wedding.. I DIDN'T want to put anyone out.. I would have felt horrible to do that [email protected]#


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

All I know is that if a couple expects others to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars in costs toward their wedding, directly or indirectly (showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, dresses and tuxedo rentals, gifts, etc) then when they divorce, as part of the settlement they reimburse their wedding party all related costs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Whirlpool said:


> All I know is that if a couple expects others to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars in costs toward their wedding, directly or indirectly (showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, dresses and tuxedo rentals, gifts, etc) then when they divorce, as part of the settlement they reimburse their wedding party all related costs.


I've heard a lot of things in my 49 yrs.. ha ha .. this is a 1st.. just imagine how some of these parents feel dishing out thousands upon thousands...giving their son or daughter every whim they ask for... Whatever the proper etiquette is.. it ought to be thrown out... as every situation is very different...many parents can not afford this..let alone struggling friends who are paying for their college education or whatever is going on..

There are ways to cut costs but still pull this off with some proper planning.... we used a Firehall ... we decorated ourselves.. We also didn't run off afterwards.. but cleaned up.. my dad & Step mom helped here... my dear husband even picked up my Mother an hour away & drove her home after our reception.. we didnt ask anyone else to do this. I wanted her here.. so that's what he did. it was on US.. 

No one in our immediate family ever had a BIG Wedding... but I wanted to tackle it.. It was something I felt I'd regret if I didn't.. I sought out ways to cut costs, to make it affordable... I can understand anyone wanting to make this dream a reality.. but the lavishness some think they are owed to go into it. .. is absurd... 

It gets to the point the WEDDING itself becomes more important than what is being celebrated.. this should never be... 

Does everyone need a BAR at the reception...NO! If guests won't come because you didn't have booze.. would you really want them there?... 2 co-workers of mine acted as bartenders tending the light beer.....Good enough....they were funny guys.. people had a blast anyway...

I've seen Weddings that were beautiful, big enough...filling the place up...done in the church they go to ...with all family members doing their own cooking...coming together like that...teamwork... I was a part of such a wedding party a few yrs ago... the strapless dresses bought were very low cost (we're talking less than $30 each).... it was still wonderful...very memorable.. 

I think the atmosphere.. the music played at the reception.. getting people out on that dance floor ...doesn't matter how much money is thrown into these things... people can have just as much of a blast making it the happiest day of their lives, without all the excess...there just needs to be some creativity.. a Good Dj could be worth their weight in gold -one who can get the crowd going ...

I literally planned our DAY around the DJ I wanted, her schedule... when I seen her at another reception.. I had so much fun.. I went up to her.. got her number... she didn't disappoint...wasn't expecting this.. but she got the crowd hammering for my husband to take the garter off with his teeth! 

Husband's brothers reception.. they had the bride & groom doing hula hopes... that was something different...it was hilarious....instead of trying to compete with Bridal magazine gowns, or what's served at the reception...it's about the people, a celebration...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mariemount12,

How many guests are invited to the wedding?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife was recently a MOH at her cousin's wedding.

The bride made some requests which wouldn't have been feasible given time constraints and/or amounts of people involved, as well as costs. My wife had no problem telling her what was and wasn't possible, and there were no hard feelings.

But a similar situation arose (as they often do) in which the bride is often quite unaware of what goes into being a MOH - including the financial aspect.

Here's the thing - my wife is close enough to her cousin that she had no problem at all letting her know what was off the table, what was possible, and what the limitations were. The MOH is supposed to be somebody very very close to the bride.

If you are not comfortable dictating the terms of the shower and bachelorette party according to your limitations and/or budget, then you need to be. On the same scope, the bride needs to be aware of the work involved, as well as the MOH's budget. Even though she was a MOH herself, she had "help", and likely assumes the same of you. She needs to know you do not, and thus everything will be adjusted accordingly.

Also, IMHO, 65-75 people for a shower is crazy.


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