# Strange phenomenon just occurred



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

DDay on my wife’s EA was 10-11 months ago. We are married 16 years, 3 kids. Both about 40.

After many ups and downs during R I very suddenly got to a healthy place emotionally, lost a lot of fear, and felt more secure my W was being a good girl. Almost completely stopped coming on TAM. Things started to feel totally normal again. They say 2-5 years to get over an affair. It took me 11 months – I honestly recovered.

But then about 3 weeks after my recovery (yesterday), my wife called me out on my behavior and I realized that I had become more neglectful, less careful with my wife’s feelings, less complimentary, etc. Basically, I had gone back to the way I was before all this started, which caused a lot of our problems to begin with. Now that I felt this increased security, I let my guard down again, and slipped into old bad habits. I hate myself for letting myself get back to that place, after all the positive changes we both have made. She has held up her end of the deal, and been a great wife during this time.

So what am I realizing? That I kind of have to carry the pain of the EA with me forever to some extent, in order to be who my wife needs. Once I let go of the pain the negative pattern of behavior started again on my end. 

Going back to square one in our progress unless I consistently remind myself of the pain just totally sucks. It’s my penance for my contributions to the demise of our marriage prior to the EA. Hers is the loss of a 20 year friendship that turned into the OM at the very end. I’m scared we have given each other a 2nd chance at this, and I’ll screw it up for good this time unless I stay at least a little bit hurt/angry/sad.

Anyone been here?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ummm....

you haven't "recovered"


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Can you expand on that almost?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Glad you honestly recovered. It is a miracle. Sorry I could not resist being sacastic. Wait six months and tell us then if this has carry through.

Behaviors are hard to change but also easy. Habits can be formed in a very short period of time, roughly 66 days on average. Write down on a piece of paper those things your wife needs. Carry it in your pocket. Set times during the day to say or do those things she needs or want from you. Do those things everyday for 30 to 90 days and you will see that it becomes a habit and you will have a happy wife. Give it a whirl. Like in AA fake it till you make it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Good advice Thorburn. recovery to me means you are not suffering anymore. I'll never forget what happened, and will never look back and laugh about it. But I got to the point I could live, think, breathe normally again.

This does not mean that if I found out something new, that I wouldn't fall apart. It's based on current, known information. That fact hit me hard when I saw she called some mysterious phone number for 62 minutes while gone for an overnight with some girlfriends. Checked it out and it was the bank. But i was physically shaking while verifying that. 

So while i stand by the statemetn I have recovered, i do know what lurks very close to the surface should something new happen. That wasn't the point of my post, obviously. I wasn't asking for people to judge that. I was asking about the behavior element and slipping into old bad habits, and how the pain almost protects us from doing the wrong things. Like being motivated by pain/fear instead of by being a better husband.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Gabriel:
I do relate to you. My spouse had EA last fall and agreed to and has gone to counseling without missing one session, quit the job where co worker was and has consistently told me how much she loves me over and over again. This was 5 months ago. While I am still angry at her for getting involved with someone in the first place and putting us through this, I too feel pretty damn good and confident in myself. A lot of people on this site claim to have all the answers and make judgments on her and others without knowing them in the least. They seem content with their own discontent. You and I may be some of the few whose spouse actually do want to make things right. Nobody knows the future but sounds like you have a level of self awareness that many do not have. I too contributed to wife's EA (or maybe PA who knows) but it was still not right what she did. It takes a bigger person to work on forgiveness and reconciliation if you find you really do love your spouse and she loves you. Do I know if we will make it in the long run? No, but we are trying. If we give our best shot and fail so be it. Its all about letting go of the other person and being who you really are. God Bless man.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Change will come when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change.

What you want is a good outcome. Does it matter if the motivator is fear, pain or your will making you do it? If a doctor tells you that you need to shed some pounds or you will be a candidate for a heart attack. Does it matter what motivates you to shed those pounds? Fear of a heart attack, or sheer will power, or the pain of giving up potato chips. A positive outcome will be less pounds no matter what motivates you.

I think your observations are right on about slipping into old habits. But you can make positive changes and keep them going.

It takes effort but there are several techniques. One I already mentioned (writing things down and carrying them in your pocket and doing those things for several months).

Use post-its as reminders.

Journal - and keep of record of your progress.

At the beginning of each day ask yourself what you need to do and say to her and then do it. 

Your motivation will become less of an issue as your new behavior becomes a normal pattern in your life. 

In the Army we call this muscle memory. you keep repeating it until it becomes second nature. You do it the same way each time correctly. 

Like they say practise makes perfect. Wrong. If you practise wrong you get wrong. I say perfect practise makes perfect.

Just some thoughts


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Can you expand on that almost?



you think you've recovered but whenever some little "slip" occurs you think that she will cheat on you


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> ...After many ups and downs during R I very suddenly got to a healthy place emotionally, lost a lot of fear, and felt more secure my W was being a good girl. Almost completely stopped coming on TAM. Things started to feel totally normal again. ...
> 
> But then about 3 weeks after my recovery (yesterday), my wife called me out on my behavior and I realized that I had become more neglectful, less careful with my wife’s feelings, less complimentary, etc. Basically, I had gone back to the way I was before all this started, which caused a lot of our problems to begin with.
> 
> ...


Gabriel~

Back in the day, you were who 'You' are and the natural 'You' attracted your wife. You didn't have to carry around the pain of an EA back then and you attracted her  So it's not carrying the EA that makes you the man your wife needs. 

This is just my humble opinion, but I bet somewhere in the back of your mind, you were hoping desperately for things to "go back to the way they were" and then waxing nostalgic about the past and some of the loving times you two had together over the years. Unfortunately, "the way things were" hurt your wife deeply to the point that she made the horrible choice to have an affair. That's not to say that how you acted "made her" have an affair. Nope!! She did that all by herself and could have chosen NUMEROUS MORAL responses!!! 

HOWEVER...since your marriage and your relationship with your wife has been touched by infidelity, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. It will never, Ever, *EVER *be "the way it used to be" because it is forever changed. Now the question remains to be seen if it will be changed for the better or not. 

So part of your issue--on your side of the street--is going to be mourning the loss of what you thought you had. What you thought you had was possibly a "dream" and not reality...and even if it was reality, it's gone now. This is possibly why AlmostRecovered says you haven't "recovered" yet--because if you have not mourned the loss of the image you had of your marriage before the affair, then you are not facing reality yet and you still need to embrace this truth. The marriage you thought you had is GONE and you will NEVER get it back. Now you have to build a new one. And it's up to you to decide if you want to move forward, look at some of your own personal habits and characteristics and change and grow...or if you want to stay in the past, pretend it will "go back the way it was", ignore your habits, and refuse to change. 

If you want to change because you want to become a better man, husband, and father, then you need to let go of that image from the past and look at that woman in front of you and decide if you want to make a whole new life with her. Okay maybe the same house and some of the same clothes--but do you want to be her best friend? Do you want to be open with her and share yourself and your life with her? Do you want her to share herself with you? Are you willing to put forth the effort to find out what you do that kills the love in her and stop doing that? Are you willing to put forth the effort to find out what makes her love blaze out of control and do those things ... to keep courting her? Are you will to tell her what makes YOUR love blaze so she can court you? 

See??? There's lots of recovery yet to come.....


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

AC always has a way of putting things into perspective. :iagree:


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have simply veared off the path. Great advise here. You don't have to carry the monkey on your back. No one gets away with no mistakes. But you have to constantly examine your life, just like Socrates said.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Gabriel~
> 
> Back in the day, you were who 'You' are and the natural 'You' attracted your wife. You didn't have to carry around the pain of an EA back then and you attracted her  So it's not carrying the EA that makes you the man your wife needs.
> 
> ...


Well said AC, there is no reconciliation going on here but everyday as a Dad i find myself in the midst of some new improved behavior (thinking where did i pull that out of) the changes came out of coping learning and growing and has made me a better dad/ man. To bad stbxw doesnt get to see that. My kids do though 
improving myself makes all parts of my life better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you think you've recovered but whenever some little "slip" occurs you think that she will cheat on you


No that's not it. Not every little slip up, but a larger cummulative effect maybe. I USED to think about every little slip up, but no more.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Gabriel~
> 
> Back in the day, you were who 'You' are and the natural 'You' attracted your wife. You didn't have to carry around the pain of an EA back then and you attracted her  So it's not carrying the EA that makes you the man your wife needs.
> 
> ...


This is great - and why I posted this issue in the first place. It's all about effort, and this is why I am mad at myself for letting myself stop improving on my dealings with my wife. We had a good day today and I am putting the train back on the tracks.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> No that's not it. Not every little slip up, but a larger cummulative effect maybe. I USED to think about every little slip up, but no more.


You don't get my point

It's not whether you forget to put the toothpaste lid back on or if you've made a grievous marital mistake. Fearing that she will cheat if things go south is not recovery. We both know that there is no valid excuse to cheat. We also both know that marriages will have their problems always and never be perfect. So when you're in that rut and the fear is that her reaction will be to stray again because of it, well then I contend you aren't recovered fully.


----------



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

...been there...and still there.

....I honestly don't think that 100% "recovery" is possible. The mind has a unique way of storing tid-bits of information that will spring forth at the most inopportune or unsuspecting times...no matter how hard you try to suppress them. It's been 17+ years since my wife cheated on me..and I "function" on a daily basis...some days better than others....but there's always something there...and I think it always will be. It affects trust, openness, communications....even if it's in the most minute and hardly perceievable of ways. 

...I think that all you can do sometimes is to be the best you can be...for those who matter the most...and try to not let the set-backs take a dump on someone else's life.


----------

