# Sex-starved young wife... help! :*(



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I could use some advice...

I have been married for just 2 years and I am 28 years old and my hubby is soon to be 28 as well. My husband is a sweetheart and I love him dearly. We have sooo much fun together and are close when it comes to anything out of the bedroom. He came off as a big flirt when I met him, perhaps even a little as a player but when I got to know him and realized he wasn't another sleezy guy looking to "score" I continued to date him. We had sex every weekend (we lived 45 min apart) and although he wasn't adventurous in bed, I kept believing that he would "mature" more or perhaps we would explore together. When we did have sex although plain, it was great and he has NO trouble performing. We had his testosterone levels checked and they were normal! He said he gets urges to have sex with me but never acts on them......
We knew I was more experienced than he was in the bedroom but we always joked that I would have to be the initiator/teacher. Now it's been 2 years and not only are we having less sex but I am still the initiator and getting rejected sometimes when it comes to any kind of affection. He has his hangups and reservations - he claims he "clams up" and becomes super nervous with physical relations.... so much that he avoids it! I feel I am his wife and do everything for him and I can't understand why he won't give himself to me nor have the same desire to have passion that I do. Were an attractive couple and atheletic, he does have psoriasis which I know bothers his self esteem but shouldn't he know by now that it doesn't matter to me?! I feel like he doesn't trust me enough to come out of his safety box and "have fun".... 
Last night I dolled up and we had dinner then at a stop light I tried to kiss him passionately but he returned my move with a simple "peck" saying that he was worried he might hold up traffic. I looked behind and there wasn't a car for a mile and the light was still red. I feel like there is always an excuse not to "let go" with him and have a good time... he seems like he needs to be set free! He tells me he wants to please me and doesn't know why he is like this..... yet, he will say he needs counseling and then decide to try and fix it on his own which results in little or nothing new. In short, he tries to make up for his lack of interest in the bedroom by doing nice things for me and taking care of me in every other way. This makes it even harder to confront him with my sexual needs/desires....  HELP!! Does a nervous, reserved man ever find his sexual identity or does he hide out forever and avoid?! What do I do because I miss having a fun, sensual sex life and I really would love one with my husband!!!!!!! 
Thanks everyone in advance!!! - please tell me I am not alone. PS- he has a touch of ADD and anxiety. Double edged sword is that I have poor self esteem (but still have found myself sexually!) so his lack of interest is really damaging!!!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You aren't alone from either the male or female perspective. The more common scenario is the young groom who thinks he is marrying a sexual tigress, then once things are settled, discovers he is married to a nun - who now thinks all those things are 'dirty'.

What virtually everyone can and I'm sure will attest to ... it only gets worse if you try to work around, enable, or avoid the issue.

I'm no professional, but sounds like he has some intimacy or anxiety issues. At the very least, he OWES to you addressing the issue in counseling. If he refuses, spell it out simply and plainly ... you cannot live the remainder of your life feeling sexually unfulfilled and rejected by your spouse.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I hear ya, and I'm in the same situation...I'm surprised though to hear that a guy would have intimacy issues like that at that age, all you can do I guess is just be patient and not put too much pressure on him, maybe he feels too pressured or something who knows...not much help but good luck..


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks Deejo, I needed to hear that! I guess when someone is super nice to you its hard to ask for more but I explained to him I cant magically make my hormones dissapear! He obsesses about his appearance and it makes it WORSE because I really want him! how do I ultimatum the situation without freaking him out? I hate causing him more anxiety but backing off didnt work cuz he is king of procrastination...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

I am 31, been married less than two years, and had sex only a handful of times, even though I was a virgin until our wedding night. My husband never used to have problems in his previous relationships, but suddenly lost all interest in sex, and seems like he can happily carry on this way for the rest of his life. 

I, too, have incredible desire for him, and I'm willing to be adventurous and do anything in the bedroom. I try to kiss him passionately, yet I get a peck instead, then get pushed away. He does have performance anxiety, and we are in counselling. 

For the time being, I have to live with suppressed desire and a nonexistent sex life. We are waiting for the therapy to start addressing our intimacy issues.

I share this to let you know you are not alone, and that this is surprisingly a common issue. We are brought up thinking men can't keep it in their pants, yet when we commit we realize it's not necessarily the case at all. 

My only advice is that you seek therapy together. There are programs designed to help couples develop passion and intimacy, so hopefully it'll help.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> Does a nervous, reserved man ever find his sexual identity or does he hide out forever and avoid?! What do I do because I miss having a fun, sensual sex life and I really would love one with my husband!!!!!!!
> Thanks everyone in advance!!! - please tell me I am not alone. PS- he has a touch of ADD and anxiety. Double edged sword is that I have poor self esteem (but still have found myself sexually!) so his lack of interest is really damaging!!!


I think you have married the proto-typical nice guy/beta male. I have a very close friend who sounds just like your husband. I've been talking with him a lot to try and open up to his wife sexually. She is possibly like you (Outgoing, friendly, a touch sarcastic) and one of the types of girls most guys call a "Guys' girl" if that makes sense? Can you hang with the guys as equally well as you can with the ladies? Joke with them, etc? Do you not value the emotional part as much as you do the physical? The only reason I am daring to assume here is because generally the beta type male will seek out a alpha type female partner.

In my friends case it's almost like the standard gender roles are reversed. He is the one who needs the deep emotional attachment in order to bring out his sexuality. She on the other hand has the raw physical needs of your average guy. I know this sounds crazy, but have you tried working more on fulfilling his emotional needs? He may be seeking (but he WILL be afraid to ask) of the more emotional feelings love from you. A beta male will be afraid to ask as he doesn't want to burden you with his needs. He will receive joy out of putting himself aside to make his partner happy. The issue comes when he does it so much he suppresses his own needs many times.

If I am on the mark here on your husbands mentality, let me know as I can tell you how I am trying to help my friend. But, I may also be off the mark on my assumption so I don't want to write a book to find out my base assumption is wrong.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I think you have married the proto-typical nice guy/beta male.
> 
> LOL! actually you are so right its freaky! I am the tomboy with the skirt always ready for fun and excitement while he is the sweet level headed guy that craves adventure. In so many ways we compliment each other but were so dysfunctional in the sack! Sex is awkward and while its going on i am worried if e is uncomfortable and he is worried period. We make little or no eye contact... its weird. I agree we grow up thinking men are horny and I feel I tried to prepare myself and fine tune my sex skills while I was single only to overprepare myself for "the one"... its so frustrating! I know he has to feel intimidated by me at this point and I wish I was more inexperienced now LOL!
> I have tried to have the emotional connection and were very sweet and thoughtful with each other emotionally. I think his hangups are so strong that sexy lingerie and kind words from me cannot break through that shell.
> ...


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> Sex is awkward and while its going on i am worried if e is uncomfortable and he is worried period. We make little or no eye contact... its weird.


Yep, that is a Beta male. I know it sounds weird but the closest analog I can think of it is a dog. If a dog thinks it's the dominant one in a relationship it has no problems baring it's teeth or looking you straight in the eyes. If it's a beta dog, it will put its tail between its legs, cower and will avert it's gaze. Not looking in a persons eyes is something that is a instinct even in humans. To look right at someones eyes is like saying you are on the same level and you are not afraid of them. Your husband is so passive, he unconsciously averts his eyes from yours (without even knowing he is). 



lovelieswithin said:


> I know he has to feel intimidated by me at this point and I wish I was more inexperienced now LOL!


The thing is he will have to be the one changing here, not you lovelies. You are going to have to work together (or with a councilor for him) to get him to start being such a "nice guy" and become more of an alpha male. He will probably never be the outgoing, gregarious type alpha male. But, he can learn to temper those beta tendencies once he's been made aware he has them and how to work on them. Many times a beta male will not realize what and why he's doing it. He will generally just think he's shy, or he will call himself a "people pleaser". Many times the people pleasing part isn't so much directly being "nice" per-se, but they use it sub-consciously to make sure they do not challenge anyone. That's why they typically avoid fights (both verbal and physical).



lovelieswithin said:


> Any advice is welcome... how do I calm my storm? i hope someone can offer me a light and say other men like him have woke up and started acting on their urges... ps one time he said he feels perverted if he comes after me... but im his wife!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need to calm your storm lovelies. You are the one with the healthy sex drive and outlook on sex. What needs to be worked on is your husbands self confidence. Once he's confident in himself, he can then start to meet your needs. Right now you are going to have to take the lead on this and work with him. You will need to start him on this path (gently, but firmly). 

There are some books you can read together to start with. The ones I suggested to my friend are -

Amazon.com: Overcoming the Nice Guy Syndrome: How to Stop Being Shy Without Becoming A Jerk (9780961317799): Ron Louis, David Copeland: Books

Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

The book below is aimed more at helping your husband with starting to actually seduce you. While it's written in a single guys perspective, it can be used for great results on your spouse as well! 

Amazon.com: How to Become an Alpha Male: Attract Women and Become Successful at Seduction (9781411636606): John Alexander: Books


----------



## Paul Bennett (Dec 15, 2009)

There is an excellent CD by Dr. David Schnarch called (perhaps unfortunately) "Secrets of a Passionate Marriage." Do get the CD -- I found his book, _Passionate Marriage_, tough going. Though he is a therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction, his approach addresses the whole spectrum of intimacy, and he's about the only person I know who can do that seamlessly, so you really get how what happens in your bed is part of what happens in your heart, your head, and your soul.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

gerrypony said:


> There are programs designed to help couples develop passion and intimacy, so hopefully it'll help.


 thanks for sharing... do u think the therapy is helping? i am still trying to convince him to go but he always wasnts to "fix it on his own" which isnt working... uggghh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your advice - truly helps! =) I am looking into the books and cd...
What are some ways you can encourage a Beta male to be more Alpha?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think reducing people to one of two types is a bit simplistic.

There is more to this than either described or known.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

michzz said:


> I think reducing people to one of two types is a bit simplistic.
> 
> There is more to this than either described or known.


Most of us here are not professionals and we can only deal with what we know of someones situation based upon a limited amount of data. 

While yes, people can fall into a combination of both they will have traits from one or the other. That is why they are Archetypes. But they give us all a basis to work with and each will have to adapt their own personal situation to each.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> Most of us here are not professionals and we can only deal with what we know of someones situation based upon a limited amount of data.
> 
> While yes, people can fall into a combination of both they will have traits from one or the other. That is why they are Archetypes. But they give us all a basis to work with and each will have to adapt their own personal situation to each.


Like I wrote, it is not that simplistic, nor a matter of being a professional.

There are a variety of personality types and they do not involve being one or the other or a certain blend.

Anyway, I think people are very complex.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelieswithin said:


> What are some ways you can encourage a Beta male to be more Alpha?


 I started a whole thread on this very subject about 6 months ago: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html


I have to agree with what Crypsys is saying in many of these posts. Very true in me & my husbands relationship. My husband is very passive, patient, is a Pleaser, and he has always been more attracted to the firey dominatrix kind of women.


----------



## polaris500 (Jun 8, 2010)

I know this isn't advice but boy do I wish my wife would crave sex like that. lol Keep working on it, i've been married 9 years and now 2 kids, a good sex life sometimes takes alot of practice and patience and communication.


----------



## mkc1222 (Sep 8, 2010)

I really need help. I am 30 years old and so is my husband. We have been married LESS THAN ONE YEAR and he is not interested in sex with me. For the past 7 months I have to initiate sex (9 out of 10 times getting rejected) and when he has had sex with me there is NO passion. I am dying without sex. In my past relationships I had sex every day and it was the men wanting to. This has never been a problem for me before. I think I am fairly attractive and I am not overweight. As for my husband when we were friends he would tell me all about the sex he had all the time. I feel so rejected and ugly. I cry all the time. I have no idea what to do. We have sex about 2 times a month. I am used to 2 times a DAY. I can't take this anymore. I have a vibrator and I use it often and I actually think of him having sex with me and me being someone else because I feel so unattractive. I imagine I am one of his ex girlfriends and I am well aware this is unhealthy. I am so depressed I have even thought of suicide. I need to feel desired, wanted, loved. If anyone has any advice on something I can do to get him to have sex with me I would really appreciate it. I am the saddest I have ever been.


----------



## mkc1222 (Sep 8, 2010)

In addition, the other night I was rubbing on him and trying to get him aroused and NOTHING HAPPENED. I remember back to the days where lying by my boyfriend on the couch was all it took to get him so hard and we would have sex for hours. Now, my own husband is not turned on by me by lying in bed, kissing, stroking him. It is SOOO deflating. HELP!


----------



## moeytja (Sep 13, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice - truly helps! =) I am looking into the books and cd...
> What are some ways you can encourage a Beta male to be more Alpha?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think anybody is getting the point here... it's like you are TRYING TO CHANGE HIM!!!! like didn't you know who you married????

to me it sounds like you need an alpha male... all I can say is, it is really very nice of you for "trying to make your marriage to work" but honestly I mean, reality check: you married the WRONG guy for you! not just because of the sex, his total attitude is that of the beta guy and you are just working over time with this. 

just remember this comment when you file... 

sht im sorry i don't mean to be pessimistic but... you are trying to turn him into another person... you don't see what's wrong with this picture? 
I suggest then you open the dictionary and look for the word "denial".

by the way, "we are an attractive couple" ??? lol r u sure that's not why you married him? what does that have to do with this whole thing anyway. sorry again if this sounds too horrible. truth hurts sometimes?


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: EMAIL FROM EX...Need advice*



msgarcia000 said:


> I keep telling myself "Jenny, everything will be all right".


Believe in that. You're telling yourself the right thing.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2 year old zombie thread alert...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

File for divorce. If that doesn't clue him in that you're dead serious about his issues and scare the **** out of him into at least TRYING to change, then nothing will. And you will have already taken the steps to move on anyway.


----------

