# New here - male perspective pls.



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

Good morning guys; I was hoping to get some feedback from you all re: how to handle a tricky sexual situation. My husband adores me, will give me the world but the one thing I cant stand is the way he will grab at my breasts or my crotch as a way to initiate 'it'. I have tried to let him know that this is not a turn-on for me AT ALL, (in fact it makes me want to bite him) but he laughs it off and insists that I really do like it... I don't mind what he does to me once we're 'into it' but not as a means of inviting me to make love!! Just treat me like a lady ok? So this morning it happened _again_ I kind of snapped and asked him _again_ to please not do that, because it makes me feel like a peice of meat. He got all offended and defensive and didnt speak to me again before leaving for work. Am I wrong here? How am I supposed to handle it? What should I be saying? 

Ladies, feel free to give me your ha'penny's worth too. Thanks.


----------



## busy bee (Aug 18, 2008)

You've tried talking to him... well, try the same thing to him until he gets sick of it. Be the first to initiate it. Be consistant too or it might encourage him to continue this behavior. Then he might understand what your going through. .02


----------



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

I do. He seems to think it must be what I want because I'm doing it to him first, even though I've _told_ him it isn't. We also dont have the best communication which makes it hard to resolve amicably. 

He used to be very into pleasing me sexually but these days he seems to be more focused on getting his rocks off and I am left feeling unsatisfied. I klnow he is working hard but it's hard to be patient when, after five minutes he collapses on me and asks, _asks_ "Do you want me to carry on?"  ... Talk about a passion killer... No, please dont do me any favours. *sigh*


----------



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

He's like "well, if you're doing it, it must be what you want" and I'm like "No, _this_ is what I want" but I suppose because he's a man (more direct in his approach) it's what he'll be more likely to revert to (****** romance)


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You need to make it very clear to him that his idea of “initiating” a sexual encounter is not seductive, sexy or appetizing, it is groping plain and simple. When he does this shut him down immediately and let him know that the behavior is putting you in the exact opposite mood of what he is looking for. Eventually he'll get the idea. As far as the performance issues in bed, cautiously communicate on things you’d like to see happen in the bedroom and encourage him to do more of the things you enjoy. Be careful on this conversation as the male ego can be pretty fragile here. Good luck


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

It never ceases to amaze me that there are still cavemen on the planet who think that all they have to do is ejaculate as quick as they can.

His communication skills might be lousy, but yours aren't. Make a date to have a chat with him, where you will have 2 hours alone, an a peaceful setting. Don't tell him what it is about.

Then when you get to it, tell him you want to talk about sex. Be nice about it, but tell him about how he could put you in a much better more excited mood if he did x,y and z. People often do what they want done to themselves, so for him, rubbing his bits is the correct way for you to initiate! But for you, you need a little more (x,y,z).

Also, it sounds like he has borderline premature ejaculation. But in his case, I bet he used to last longer when he was first seducing you. One of the things I have noticed about P.E. sufferers is that they are in a hurry generally. They need to slow down. you can't bake a cake at twice the speed by doubling the temperature!

A gentleman will always make his partner cum first, or bring her off afterwards. In any case, P.E. is easy to combat with simple exercises.

I am afraid that part of the problem has been fostered by you. You have repeatedly let him get away with this, so yes he does think it is all right.

It's a pity, because the next thing we know will be him joining this forum complaining that his wife has stopped desiring sex. Quite frankly, he needs to read a few book on the subject of sex, and pleasing his partner.

It might help if you write down the bullet points of what you want to talk about. Don't actually read from the bit of paper! Just write it down, and then it will all come back to you as you speak to him. Don't let him go off topic!


----------



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

I dont think he is borderline PE, I think he is just under stress and in need of release from tension. He used to masturbate quite a lot which helped, but I wasnt keen on him doing that every single morning, I really dont think it's necessary to do it every single day (feel free to shoot me down here) and it gets a little offensive as well after a while. He also used to always try and make me climax first. I have told him that it is a MAJOR turn on when he is in control of himself enough to let me climax before he does. He says I just excite him too much sometimes. I cant help but be flattered when he does say that... I also know that if I want to get off afterwards all I have to do is ask but a lot of the times, for me, the excitement is gone as soon as he cums... I guess I'm being a bit of a martyr here. Maybe I should just let him jerk off as often as he likes?

This morning just after I awoke, I asked him how he likes me to touch him in order to turn him on. He said 'any touch of yours that isnt a tease (furtive, secretive, in a time or place that he cant do anything about it, he means) is fine with me'. Then he walked out the room! Before I could start fuming - it was touch and go for a second there - I followed him out the room and said to him 'Ask me the same question' and he said 'ok'. So I said 'any touch of yours once we are well into it is fine with me, but when you're inviting me to make love with you, I want to be treated like a lady, so no more grabbing please'. 

 Then we were standing together in the bathroom, I was naked and holding him around the waist while he was brushing his teeth and I could see he was 'scanning' my body in the mirror and next thing we knew there was a 'presence' between us. So I said, 'Ooh, that looks uncomfortable; would you like me to get rid of it for you'.. So I do initiate it as well... But I didnt climax. I guess I will speak to him about it; or just demand a sh!t load more oral!

Lets see how it goes.

Thanks for all your responses.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

> I guess I will speak to him about it; or just demand a sh!t load more oral!


Yes, he sounds like the sort of man who will be happy to service your demand. But let me tell you. He will not enjoy doing anything to you all that much after he has cum. Just after a man has cum, nothing seems sexual. Make him do it before. He sounds like the sort of guy who will be driven mad by this, and will get overexcited, and see it as a tremendous tease. But... as long as there is a reward at the end of a tease, teasing is fantastic! I am only just learning how to tease my wife in this way - she loves it.

As for ejaculation control, there is a lot I could tell you...

I have to ask how old he is though!

A lot of young guys use masturbation as a way of reducing the urge to cum when they have sex.It lets of a bit of steam. So you may have made things worse for your self by taking that away from him.

However, the real reason he is cuming faster than you want is that, psychologically, he is in a hurry. I am not sure if this is the correct venue to explain how to change that as it does involve a few "details".

You are absolutly right about finding it more exciting when he can control himself. This is the way to go. My wife will tell you...

You can train him (or help him train himself) to last indefinitely. I used to cum before I wanted, but now I can make it last 45 mins no problem. The other day it was 2 hours. I'm not superman - I just made up my mind to get there.

If you're interested, I can put up a link.


----------



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

Thanks Mark. I would be interested in the link. 

FYI, he is 33.

Anyhoo, apart from the above we also have communication probs, not showiing enough affection probs or discussing major events (like him allowing his sister and her bf coming to live with us for the next 4-5 years and just telling me about it *fume*. Oh well, that is why I am here, because I believe there is a way through and I do not want to contemplate divorce as an option 'one day when I've had enough'. I want to know I have done everything in my power to make it work.

Thanks for listening and for the advice.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

All I can say is that for the lack of only a few more simple skills the two of you could have 10 times the peace and 10 times the fun. It sound like you are both good people.

Having his sister over like that without first consulting you is BANG out of order - but it is the kind of thing I might of done 20 years ago - I know better now. If I were you, I would cancel it unless I was happy with it.


----------



## GemT (Aug 18, 2008)

Too late, they're already here... 

BUT to look on the bright side, at least I now have a female sounding board (we live in Dubai, away from all friends and family, so it's been hard) and I am very fond of her; it was his not discussing it with me beforehand that p'd me right off. BUT I also know he cares a lot that she wasnt making it at home and he wanted to help her out as best he could. 

He may be young, but he is definitely 'old school' in his ways, holds in his emotions (and when they come out he cant handle them well) VERY proud and stubborn. What can I say? I married a "real man". 

Dont forget to send that link through please. 

Later.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GemT said:


> Dont forget to send that link through please.


I need to finish writing the article, it might take me a day or two.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

GemT said:


> Good morning guys; I was hoping to get some feedback from you all re: how to handle a tricky sexual situation. My husband adores me, will give me the world but the one thing I cant stand is the way he will grab at my breasts or my crotch as a way to initiate 'it'. I have tried to let him know that this is not a turn-on for me AT ALL, (in fact it makes me want to bite him) but he laughs it off and insists that I really do like it... I don't mind what he does to me once we're 'into it' but not as a means of inviting me to make love!! Just treat me like a lady ok? So this morning it happened _again_ I kind of snapped and asked him _again_ to please not do that, because it makes me feel like a peice of meat. He got all offended and defensive and didnt speak to me again before leaving for work. Am I wrong here? How am I supposed to handle it? What should I be saying?
> 
> Ladies, feel free to give me your ha'penny's worth too. Thanks.


I think you did the right thing as he hears you but sure doesn't listen to you much. The slap he seemed to understand. Let him know that his grabbing you is about as sexy as you slapping him as hard as you can.

draconis


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GemT see: Exercises for improving Premature Ejaculation - The sexuality support group forum

There is a solo exercise (the peaking exercise), and at the end one to do with a partner. He may not need to do the solo exercise, as he is able to last 5 - 10 minutes already, but it might be fun, especially if he does it in front of you! If however, he has never made his masturbation last a full half hour, then he should do the solo exercise. No if, buts or ands!

Above all people must make time for sex. I don't like to even attempt it if I don't have 45 minutes to spare.

On another point - It is vital you make sure he takes care of your orgasm every time you have sex, by fingers or mouth if needed. The reason for this is that if you let him off the hook every time, you will train him to be a lazy lover. It's easy to let this sort of thing slip, but your resentment will grow and grow.

There are many cases where women go off sex, because of the build up of resentment that this can cause. It does not happen instantly, but over 10 years, it can lead to utter utter bitterness.

You don't sound like you have a bitter bone in your whole body, but you could do well to claim a little bit more of that "woman power" that you obviously have, and demand what you need. If you can do this in a sexy way, he will be your happy sex slave.


----------



## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

:iagree:


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ok a little of the beaten path comments...


to teach him a little lesson about "turn ons" when he grabs your crotch or your chest, Grab his crotch super hard and ask if that is a turn on for him...usually not, so then say well that is how it feels for me. ....Sometimes you need to be direct.


as for the other areas have him service you first before he gets serviced and you may want to bring some toys into play to help you off.


----------

