# Wife unhappy in relationship - a little help?



## mustdobetter (Mar 8, 2016)

Hi,

I'm hoping a few of you experienced posters can give some pearls of wisdom.

A bit of background. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and together longer. We have two young children and both work. 

Thinks have been rocky for both of us for a while. Communication has been poor (mostly from me) and I lost her trust when I gambled some joint money 2 years ago (gambling demons are under control these days thankfully). 

A month or so ago my wife got upset and said she couldn't see a future with me and suddenly stopped wearing her wedding rings. Whilst I knew things hadn't been going well between us, I was shocked she was at this point. I should have seen it coming but I think kids/work etc got in the way (and me being a fool for not seeing the signs she was unhappy). Over the past weeks I have made efforts to try and be the perfect husband - housework, on hand to support/talk and trying to spend more time with her. If anything we're getting on better than we were before but she is still very cold towards me and I can see she's been building up to this point for a long time. I've asked her if there's anybody else and she says there isn't. 

She's agreed to come to marriage counselling although she says she's not promising anything and it may not make a difference.

I'm committed to trying to turn things around and am hoping we get past the first counselling session (and a few more) to see if we can rebuild.

Does anyone have any experience of pulling a relationship like this back from the brink and also any advice? - I see the fact she'll come to counselling as a positive but her not wearing her wedding rings really hurts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some will say you have no chance and maybe you don't. But you do have a great chance to learn how to operate as a husband and improve everyone's lives around you.

Don't think of a quick fix to undo the damage you caused. Think about how to operate as a husband, a father, an employee, a man in society that is worthy of people's admiration and respect. And operate that way. And then slowly invite your wife into your fold.

Remember, divorce is a long process and if you demonstrate a better mode of operating, there may be time for your wife to notice your improved way of operating, slowly reenter your fold, and ultimately reengage with you at a deeper level. But if not, you will be a greatly improved man who can have the self confidence not to care as much.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What are you doing about your addiction?

Also, read the MMSLP book linked to below and follow the MAP plan. It can also be downloaded at amazon for a quick read.

Btw, if there is someone else, she sure as hell won't admit to it, they never do. Check the phone records for lots of texts/calls to one number.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Look good into improving yourself for your own sake.

Keep being a good husband but do some hobbies and activities for your own pleasure and challenge.

MC can help if you both commit to listening and working.

Unfortunately, if she is cheating she won't tell you.

You will have to do some investigating to rule out an affair.

If she is cheating or has cheated, your efforts will be worthless to improving the marriage.

If an affair is uncovered, have this moved to the CWI section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Just because she says there isnt anyone else doesnt make it so. That being said is there any red flags? Cell phone use way up or locked? Recent weight loss? Unexplained time away? New sexy underwear? If you find any red flags do not mention them to her. If you have suspicions do not tell her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dont be sad or weepy around her. Dont talk about the relationship. Dont be needy. And for Gods sake dont beg. Dont follow her around like a puppy dog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mustdobetter (Mar 8, 2016)

Wow, that was quick - Tks.

No obvious red flags although as you say, that doesn't mean a thing. 

I think I have fallen into the trap of self pity which doesn't do either of us any good. I'm trying to give her space and am also trying to avoid talking about the relationship outside of the counselling sessions. 

In reference to my addiction, I'm coming up for 2 years without a gamble after having some counselling at the time. Am hoping I've beaten that one.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Thound said:


> Dont be sad or weepy around her. Dont talk about the relationship. Dont be needy. And for Gods sake dont beg. Dont follow her around like a puppy dog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





mustdobetter said:


> Wow, that was quick - Tks.
> 
> No obvious red flags although as you say, that doesn't mean a thing.
> 
> ...


Be upbeat and positive. Be confident even if you have to fake it. Get in shape eat right and hit the gym. And read the books mentioned earlier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mustdobetter (Mar 8, 2016)

Thound said:


> Be upbeat and positive. Be confident even if you have to fake it. Get in shape eat right and hit the gym. And read the books mentioned earlier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This may be a dumb question but is the thinking behind this to give an outwardly attractive "alpha" persona in the hope of winning my wife back or just getting in the right habits should the worst happen (or both)?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I hate to tell you this Dawg but when a woman loses interest in you it seldom comes back. Give it the old college try but I'm going to have to bet against you. 
BTW, you don't act like an alpha to win your wife back. You're an alpha because that's what you want to be. The girls can take it or leave it.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*Unfortunately, if she is cheating she won't tell you.

You will have to do some investigating to rule out an affair.

If she is cheating or has cheated, your efforts will be worthless to improving the marriage.*

You "asking" her if there is anyone else is totally meaningless and actually counter productive because now she knows you are suspicious.

Stop asking anything and FIND OUT what is going on. When a woman takes off her wedding ring, then there is no reason for any men she meets to assume she is married, and not even hiding it from you is a bad sign and a red flag.

you need a VAR ( voice activated recorder) in her car and/or a GPS on it, and you probably will find out the truth in a matter of days.

If she is not already cheating, MC may help. If she is, that has to be addressed first. And like you have been told, if she is already involved with someone, your cleaning the house makes no difference at all.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

mustdobetter said:


> This may be a dumb question but is the thinking behind this to give an outwardly attractive "alpha" persona in the hope of winning my wife back or just getting in the right habits should the worst happen (or both)?


A little both I guess. I doubt women find out of shape lazy men are attractive. Buy when a man is in good shape he feels more confident. He feels like he can handle anything. When I was at my lowest, I lost 25 pounds and got my body toned and ripped. Even at 52 years I was getting compliments and smiles from women in their 30s. I knew I would be ok either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

If she's cheating......is it a dealbreaker for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check the phone bill. May be nothing but you need to fully understand what you're dealing with here.

Go online and look at the amount of calls/texts to a specific number.

Quick and easy for nothing else at least eliminate this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Check the phone bill. May be nothing but you need to fully understand what you're dealing with here.
> 
> Go online and look at the amount of calls/texts to a specific number.
> 
> Quick and easy for nothing else at least eliminate this.


Then put a voice activated recorder in her car for more info.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Classic walk-away-wife and NOBODY gets it.

The 180 is for you. When they are where your wife is now, they don't come back.

Who cares if she's cheating. It's just a symptom of the problem. The PROBLEM is that your life is crashing and you don't know it yet. The woman you were to grow old with doesn't love you any more and never will again. That's a hard thing to wrap your soul around. I know. I've been there. The good news is that you are young (I'm guessing under 40). You can start over. I was 50 when I found out with kids heading full steam into college. I was stuck. You're not.

I HOPE you find out it's an affair. You may be able to pull her out of the fog and win her back. But if she left "just because", you are in trouble.

Have fun spying. I'm sure when everyone shouts me down for being a naive beta male (a pretty big insult here), you'll go with the very popular default "SPY ON HER/EXPOSE TO EVERYONE" strategy. Good luck with that.

In them meantime, make the 180 your friend. Learn it. Live it. Love it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It makes sense to look at the phone/text/email records FIRST to make sure someone else hasn't piqued her interest, because if there IS someone else, just fixing yourself is that absolute wrong thing to do. Stopping the affair becomes the #1 issue to handle first.

Once you have made sure she isn't in contact with someone else, ask her to fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, so you can get a better handle on who she really is and what she really thinks about your marriage and you. Just 'doing' things will just make her mad. Why now? and all that.

Learn what she wants and make THOSE changes. And even if you do them, you have a 50/50 chance of her staying.

Go check the phone records. Now.


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