# My Story--Has my marriage become too toxic? Should I stay or should I leave?



## popmuzak90 (Feb 23, 2014)

Bear with me, this will be a long story. I have been married for almost 20 years but something happened in the last 2 years that I am now considering a divorce. 

Our marriage started out very happily. At some point my husband became very insecure about it and began to do some rather strange things to "FIX" it even though it was NOT broken to begin with. Let's talk about SEX. We had a fantastic sex life but like all new moms after the birth of our 1st child things slowed down. I was tired and not in the mood regularly. I did my best to make up for all the times I said no and I told him and showed him I loved him many different ways. 

The weird stuff he began to do started probably about 10 years ago. He had to go out of town for a week for his job. When he came home I was so happy to see him and he I that we immediately went to the bedroom to make love. During this most intimate act of love and sharing, he began to spin a tale of him meeting some woman at the hotel bar where he was staying and being invited to her room. He told me that he cheated on me. My immediate reaction was to curl into a ball or try to with him still on top of me and bawl my eyes out. I told him to get off of me and asked him how he could do that to me. He then proceeded to tell me that it was just his body she had sex with not his heart and that he loved me and only me. It was just sex. I was beating on him and telling him to stop and he saw how totally devastated I was and instead of immediately getting off of me, he "finished and came"....then he pulled me sobbing into his arms and told me that the story was totally made up. That it was just what he called it "Sex Talk" and since I reacted the way I did he knew that I truly loved him and that everything was ok. I told him to never tell me something like again. He promised he wouldn't and I truly believed that he had NOT cheated. I wanted to believe that because I loved him. He had several trips after that for work and after each trip he pulled the same stunt on me. I was so hurt and every time he did it...it was like a knife was shoved into my heart. He even did it to me while he was on one particular trip saying he was calling me after just having gotten back from the lady's room. I hung up on him. He called back and again professed it to be just Sex Talk. 

About this same time my husband, who is an avid porn watcher, started "SEX TALKING" about having a 3 some with me, him and a male friend of his. 

He also started suggesting swapping and opening up our marriage. He was also pushing some very alternative things on me like me being with another woman. I told him that the fantasy was one thing but the reality was something else entirely. 

He convinced me to take some "Nudey" photos of myself and I told him they had to be simply for him to enjoy and then be deleted. He talked me into submitting them (no face shots) to a website where other men see them and then leave comments. I'll admit the comments were flattering but I was hurt that he put my photos on the site. He then told me he was going to show my photos to his friend...I'll call him "Bob" for the sake of the story. I vehemently begged him to not show my photos to Bob and he said he wouldn't. But then he did it anyway. Again I was hurt and a little confused on what his intentions were. 

He then told me that Bob's wife and kids would be going out of town for about a month and we should invited him over for dinner. We did. That night after dinner, when Bob excused himself to use our bathroom my husband said he was going to ask him about having a 3 some. I said NO WAY...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Don't even think about it. He kept at me saying that it would be exciting and that I would enjoy having 2 men on me, etc. He said "I will be right there the whole time." I couldn't believe that he was actually trying to get me to do this. I should have been more forceful and just walked out but I ended up going along with him....he just simply wore me down and Bob was all for it. So we ended up having a 3 some that night. 

I was humiliated and devastated and told my husband how terrible I felt afterward. Plus I was good friends with Bob's wife and I felt just awful doing that to her. He said that he felt bad too and it would never happen again. Needless to say it happened several times after that. 

With the female on female thing, he even went so far as to take me to a few clubs and PAY for ME to have a lap dance with a girl. He then asked the girl if she would be with me after her shift got over. Thank goodness the girl said she didn't do that. 

On top of all of this I felt that Sex was the only thing I was good for anymore. My husband was basically shutting me out of his life emotionally and physically except in the bedroom. He watched TV endlessly and began drinking heavily so the point that many family outings were canceled due to hangovers and certain family holidays were completely ruined. 

He began to criticize me on all sorts of things. My inability to get details right in stories, how I talked too much and told stories with extra details instead of just getting to the point. What a terrible driver/housekeeper/lazy cook I am.

I began to feel less and less like an equal partner in the marriage and more and more like his little Sex Toy. I began to dress more provocatively because he said I had such a hot body and I should show it off. How I was such a good F*CK and he wanted to share me...he changed the way I felt about myself. 

But, he because he was drawing away from me more and more I also began to withdraw from him more and more. Playing on the computer became a favorite hobby for me. At first it was just computer games or looking up music. Soon I began to hang on Facebook for hours. A man that I was friends here in town "Friended" me on FB and we began to chat. 

It all started out very innocently, talking about our kids and families, etc. and I'm sure you can see where this is all going. He flirted and I flirted right back because he was paying me more attention to me than my husband was. I ended up having a year long affair with this man...knowing that it would never go anywhere. Yes it was about sex but he also showed me a lot of tenderness and intimacy. Quite frankly I wasn't sure if I could stop seeing him but felt I was falling in love with him. 

I ended up telling my husband about the affair but only after he began talking once again about opening up our marriage and asked me who I would pick in the event that we actually did it. I felt myself become so angry over his continually treating me like a Sex Toy...like a piece of meat that I wanted to hurt him right back and so I confessed the affair to him. 

When he asked me how I could cheat on him like that I began to unload all of my anger and resentments about how he disrespected me and my body and my wishes and how he broke our marriage vows and convinced me to go against my own moral code and engage in risky sexual behaviors. 

We have spent the last 6 months going through counseling. The counselor tells me that my husband telling me he cheated just to see my reaction is called a "Love Cry". I suppose I could understand him doing this one time to verify that I still love him but to have him continually repeat this is very hurtful and confusing to me. 

I realize that I made a mistake in taking on a lover and I am taking responsibility for my own actions. But, quite honestly I thought my husband wouldn't be that upset over my affair when all his actions of the last several years told me that that was what he wanted...he wanted to share me. Then when I do what he led me to believe was what he wanted...well he finally woke up.

He no longer trusts me even though he says he has forgiven me for my affair. Now I have to make a serious decision. He is asking me to forgive for all the past wrong doings he pushed on me and our life. I feel like trust has to be built back on both sides and I am scared of letting him back in. I feel like he did so much damage to my pysche that I don't know if I can move forward with him. Do I forgive him like he is asking me to and give him and our life together another chance or do I walk? Part of me is so afraid that if I let him back in he will change for a while and then revert back to his old ways. I know that the man I had the affair with does not want to be with me, that it was all an infatuation and a fantasy... it was a relationship built on lies and deceit...and that is not the reason that I would leave. My husband continually asks me if I love him or the man I had the affair with. This gives me pause as to whether or not he truly forgives me.

A friend says I should leave and start to love and respect myself. She believes my husband is only try to control and manipulate me again. I would like some outside help and answers. I am going back to see the counselor again but i want to know what YOU would do if you were in my shoes.

I should add that we are currently separated. The separation has only been about a week in a half in but he has left 2 other times in the past 6 months. My husband just moved into an apartment 2 days ago saying he wants to give us both some breathing space. I can't keep doing the ping pong thing either. It will drive me crazy and just cause more chaos for our kids.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I'm sorry you are here... Only you can decide what you can or can't accept in your marriage. However, it appears that your husband does not have any respect for you. He continual tells you that he cheated and ask you to do sexual things you are not comfortable with. Your friend gave you good advice.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

"My husband continually asks me if I love him or the man I had the affair with. This gives me pause as to whether or not he truly forgives me."

Your H made some horrible mistakes, and so did you.

You may never get over the things he made you do.

I will tell you that he will remember your affair until the day he dies. He will never really get over it. He may forgive you or he may not. But he will never get back to feeling like a whole person. 

He did bad things to you and I am sorry that he did those horrible things to you. Your affair was a choice that you made over and over again. You should have divorce him before the affair. 

You have succeeded in getting back at him. You win. He will never be the same, and after what he did to you, you may never recover. 

I am truly sorry for the marriage you have with your H. 

It takes two working hard to make it work. Are both of you trying? If not, get out now.


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## popmuzak90 (Feb 23, 2014)

I have disconnected to him emotionally over the past 6 months. I am scared he will hurt me again and I know he is scared I will hurt him again. Also for me SEX has become difficult because I think of all the things he forced on me....and too I think about the things the other man and I did. My husband wants to have sex with me all the time, which is not new, but if I say NO now he automatically points to the other man and says "HE was better than me, wasn't he? You want him more than me"....etc. It just doesn't seem like counseling is helping. I am afraid the marriage is dead.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Popmuzak: sounds like the weird sexual fetishes of your husband were quite disturbing to you. I don't blame you, they seem quite strange to me too.

I think you really need to understand that his sexual desires will not instantly change overnight. He will continue to be the same way if you decide to go back to the marriage.

However you cheated on him. This is an incredibly callous and immature way you chose to handle the situation. You should have divorced him and then had a fling with this other man.

If I were you I'd personally just go ahead and file for D and try to find someone else. Do you have kids involved?


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## popmuzak90 (Feb 23, 2014)

Yes there are children involved. The affair I had was one of those AHA moments. I was asking myself why I would do that if I was so happy with my husband to begin with. But, I found that I hadn't really been happy for many years. Merely living my life for the kids and my husband. I buried the anger and resentment over the way my husband treated and didn't allow myself to see the disrespect. No I should not have cheated on him but I see the reasoning behind it now. I should have left him many years ago...you are right.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to get out of this "marriage". What a disgusting way to live. There is no love or respect here, for each other or for yourselves. Think about how free your life will be once you get him out of your life.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

popmuzak90 said:


> During this most intimate act of love and sharing, he began to spin a tale of him meeting some woman at the hotel bar where he was staying and being invited to her room. He told me that he cheated on me. My immediate reaction was to curl into a ball or try to with him still on top of me and bawl my eyes out. I told him to get off of me and asked him how he could do that to me. He then proceeded to tell me that it was just his body she had sex with not his heart and that he loved me and only me. It was just sex. I was beating on him and telling him to stop and he saw how totally devastated I was and instead of immediately getting off of me, he "finished and came"....


Popmuzak, this is what really sticks out to me as it was the beginning of the end. This is rape. Clear and simple. You say no and he forces himself on you. Rape... no means no. 

I would run as fast as I can from this extremely sick man. He needs a lot of help. Get counselling for yourself to figure out why you would allow anyone to treat you this way, let alone the person you should trust the most in your life. If you had found this to be a fun game and you were into it, then fine, everyone has different desires etc in life, love and sex, but the telling factor is that it made you feel awful, gross, and sounds like you were losing respect for yourself and him. Trust how you feel about this and don't reason it out. Your body tells you what is right for you. But it doesn't matter if it's a game to him, beating your head in with a baseball bat could be a game for a sociopath, doesn't mean you should stand there and let him beat your head in. 

You deserve to be treated with respect. Let him go find someone who enjoys being repeatedly raped by her husband and you can go find someone who cares for you and treats you the way a human being should be treated.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

My take on your affair is slightly different. I don't actually think you did much wrong, you were looking for intimacy and kindness, that you were not getting from him. You felt trapped in your marriage so you found it elsewhere, a bit of a survival mechanism I'd say. Especially since your marriage was so sexually violent but not intimate at all. 

I'm not condoning your affair, but also don't think you should beat yourself up for it. It was a symptom of a very dysfunctional marriage. If we were all perfect all the time we wouldn't need to live at all. 

Sounds to me though that you need to get some counselling to help find those physical boundaries for yourself, and give yourself permission to not be abused emotionally and physically in a relationship, otherwise you will walk into another relationship similar to the one you are in now. 

I would not have the stamina to wait for a guy like this to "fix himself". We all have different tolerance levels for different things.


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