# How to Win Back Spouse If I Was the Abuser



## Louise McCann

I am separated from my husband of only 10 months who left me 3 weeks post-partum. He now lives in another continent, which I will be relocating to for university.

We had an intense relationship pre-marriage, when it was good it was amazing & when it was bad it was really bad. I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times. 

After we got married I slapped him a few times but stopped for the most part this year. I believed I had become more calm & stable, (he wasn't perfect, immature, very lazy, careless with money, lied about silly things) I stopped cussing too.

We hadn't argued in a long time but had 2 arguments after the birth of my daughter about him flunking college (he's only 21). The 2nd time I had called him names like useless, stupid & retarded. He left for college & never came back home.

I begged for a long time but he was so angry & wouldn't contact me for weeks, not even about our daughter. We have since become civil, friendly at times - he told me he's stressed, misses me at times & has been positive with his texts. However, he is very iffy with his texts & will initiate only sometimes but mostly gives delayed replies or none at all. I asked him if he wanted to give our marriage a shot to which he said he "didn't know" & needed time.

Can someone advise me on how to get him to come back? & why he is giving mixed signals? I know for a fact there is nobody else. I am an attractive woman with temper & self-esteem issues. I am undergoing therapy which he knows & seeing a doctor. I really regret my ill-treatment towards him & am slipping back into depression...

What can I do to regain his trust & rebuild his attraction towards me if I had been such a ***** before.? Please help


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## Louise McCann

I should also add that I will be in his city for 2 weeks in August (next week) for my exams. I have not seen him in almost 3 months. Given that he's being inconsistent with contact, should I even reach out to him to meet up? After my exams, I will fly back home & may not see him til next year...unless he comes to give our daughter a visit which may not be likely given that he is dead broke & just started a new job.


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## vauxhall101

You sound like my wife. At least you admit that you were at fault. 

Can you swear to him, on all that you hold dear, that you won't abuse him again? If no, I would question whether it is a good idea at all.


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## Louise McCann

vauxhall101 said:


> You sound like my wife. At least you admit that you were at fault.
> 
> Can you swear to him, on all that you hold dear, that you won't abuse him again? If no, I would question whether it is a good idea at all.


Yes I can! I had already stopped the physical abuse for a long time but sometimes when I am angry I get fouled mouthed especially when he lied to me. The day he left was the first time I had cussed in a while... I am working on it through counselling & have done a lot of reading, I am determined to change the marriage dynamic if there will ever be one.

Are you still with your wife, and have you managed to have a good relationship? Do you have any tips on how to get him back?


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## *Deidre*

If you truly love him, you'll let him move on with his life. Before I got married, I dated a few abusive men, and it's very hard to get past. It's very hard to rebuild one's self esteem after being abused by someone. I would work on yourself and your own healing, and let him work on his without you.


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## vauxhall101

Louise McCann said:


> Yes I can! I had already stopped the physical abuse for a long time but sometimes when I am angry I get fouled mouthed especially when he lied to me. The day he left was the first time I had cussed in a while... I am working on it through counselling & have done a lot of reading, I am determined to change the marriage dynamic if there will ever be one.
> 
> Are you still with your wife, and have you managed to have a good relationship? Do you have any tips on how to get him back?


I can only speak for my self, but what would make a big difference to me, is if you wrote a 'contract', with his input, in which you state categorically that you won't do this again - I would stick with no physical abuse, rather than no cussing, you never know when you might need to cuss, but assault is totally unacceptable in any circumstances. So I would say you'll write up a contract saying you'll never hit him again, you'll sign it, and he can have 3 copies to keep. And if you break your word, he is free to walk. 

It's very good that you're working on your problem. 

My wife and I are very likely going to break up I'm afraid, and it's because she is abusive - although she'd disagree that that's the reason. Probably the most significant issue for me is that she will never, ever take responsibility for her behaviour. It's always my fault.


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## chronicallyfrustrated

Louise,

Abuse is difficult or impossible to get past for the abused. Shifting your focus to self control and self reliance will do much, much more for everyone's well being than showing off "good behavior" to others for approval. Try to frame healing your behaviors in the context of future relationships - for example, do you want your daughter to grow up feeling emotionally abused, or being physically abused? If your husband doesn't come back, do you want a healthy relationship with someone else in the future - perhaps someone you respect, who respects you and your daughter? Focusing on matters within your circle of influence - matters which you actually have direct control over - is much more effective.

I also want to note that, from your initial post at least, it doesn't seem like you are over the faults you see in your husband. It sounds like you still think he is stupid/immature/lazy/deadbeat/whatever - even if, maybe, you don't want to think these things about him. If he is so bad, why would you want him back? If he isn't so bad, why do you think those things about him? It seems there is more work to do here.

Finally, respect your husband's boundaries. If he wants space, leave him alone. If he wants to talk, talk to him. Stay centered in yourself. Set and keep your own boundaries, for yourself and for how others should treat you. 

If your husband wants to come back into the picture, perhaps move the conversation to a mutual safe space in marriage counseling. I also like Vauxhall's suggestion of an agreed upon written code of conduct. Perhaps involve your therapists/councilors/psychologists in this as well? 

Ultimately, do be proud of yourself for being willing to identify areas in which you can improve yourself. You're not a monster.

Best of luck!
Kayla


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## Louise McCann

vauxhall101 said:


> I can only speak for my self, but what would make a big difference to me, is if you wrote a 'contract', with his input, in which you state categorically that you won't do this again - I would stick with no physical abuse, rather than no cussing, you never know when you might need to cuss, but assault is totally unacceptable in any circumstances. So I would say you'll write up a contract saying you'll never hit him again, you'll sign it, and he can have 3 copies to keep. And if you break your word, he is free to walk.
> 
> It's very good that you're working on your problem.
> 
> My wife and I are very likely going to break up I'm afraid, and it's because she is abusive - although she'd disagree that that's the reason. Probably the most significant issue for me is that she will never, ever take responsibility for her behaviour. It's always my fault.


Thank you! I will do that. However, he hasn't replied my last 2 texts & takes his time to (a week sometimes). It's been 3 months but no sign of reconciliation so far just limbo... not sure how to get him to open up. What would you suggest?

I am so sorry to hear about your wife, do you still love her? From my point of view, I knew he was not in the wrong at times but would continue with the manipulation to get my ego stroked... I genuinely thought he didn't mind it & I needed some extra "coddling" & reassurance. But I loved him more than I had loved anyone. I think it was some sick form of control knowing that someone would love me & stick by me no matter what (what a fool I was). 

If you still love her, maybe I suggest telling her it won't work unless she changes her ways & seeks treatment now! & if she responds negatively (due to not believing you), perhaps you could stay at a friend's for a week or so? Tell her you want a divorce. If she does cave in & break down, begging you for a chance to save your marriage, perhaps it's something to consider idk, IF you're on the fence. But if she doesn't seem bothered to try to win you back during that separation, it's safe to say she isn't interested...


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## Louise McCann

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Louise,
> 
> Abuse is difficult or impossible to get past for the abused. Shifting your focus to self control and self reliance will do much, much more for everyone's well being than showing off "good behavior" to others for approval. Try to frame healing your behaviors in the context of future relationships - for example, do you want your daughter to grow up feeling emotionally abused, or being physically abused? If your husband doesn't come back, do you want a healthy relationship with someone else in the future - perhaps someone you respect, who respects you and your daughter? Focusing on matters within your circle of influence - matters which you actually have direct control over - is much more effective.
> 
> I also want to note that, from your initial post at least, it doesn't seem like you are over the faults you see in your husband. It sounds like you still think he is stupid/immature/lazy/deadbeat/whatever - even if, maybe, you don't want to think these things about him. If he is so bad, why would you want him back? If he isn't so bad, why do you think those things about him? It seems there is more work to do here.
> 
> Finally, respect your husband's boundaries. If he wants space, leave him alone. If he wants to talk, talk to him. Stay centered in yourself. Set and keep your own boundaries, for yourself and for how others should treat you.
> 
> If your husband wants to come back into the picture, perhaps move the conversation to a mutual safe space in marriage counseling. I also like Vauxhall's suggestion of an agreed upon written code of conduct. Perhaps involve your therapists/councilors/psychologists in this as well?
> 
> Ultimately, do be proud of yourself for being willing to identify areas in which you can improve yourself. You're not a monster.
> 
> Best of luck!
> Kayla


Thank you Kayla for the sincere advice! You are very insightful. I am simply heartbroken sigh... Yes I love him because he was amazing to me during our relationship despite my horrible behaviour. But he left without saying goodbye to our baby & hasn't paid child support... you're right I have issues & I believe so does he but it may not be my place to tell him yet, counselling would be much safer for that.

I will wait on him to get back to me... so is it best to not invite him to meet up whilst I am in the same city as him for 2 weeks? Should I also not reach out for child support? His pay is due soon I am sure.


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## chronicallyfrustrated

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you Kayla for the sincere advice! You are very insightful. I am simply heartbroken sigh... Yes I love him because he was amazing to me during our relationship despite my horrible behaviour. But he left without saying goodbye to our baby & hasn't paid child support... you're right I have issues & I believe so does he but it may not be my place to tell him yet, counselling would be much safer for that.
> 
> I will wait on him to get back to me... so is it best to not invite him to meet up whilst I am in the same city as him for 2 weeks? Should I also not reach out for child support? His pay is due soon I am sure.


It's no problem. My parents had an extremely fragmented and controlling relationship, where my father was the primary emotional abuser for my mother and myself. He never took ownership over his actions, for my mother or for me. Your progress in taking ownership over your behavior should be encouraging for all involved.

If you invite him, and he declines or does not respond, will you be upset/angry and want to lash out/track him down/have an unhealthy reaction? If yes, don't invite him, give him the space/time he's asked for. If you can handle a "no," do invite him. (Also, obviously, don't invite him if you couldn't handle a "yes" either - as in, if you'll get overly emotional from seeing him and try to push for things he doesn't want/know if he wants, like coming home or physical intimacy.) It sounds like he has been extremely distant, though, and may consider this relationship over.

Regarding child support... Can you reasonably financially care for your daughter on your own? Or, does your daughter need his financial input for her well being? Is child support court mandated, or just informally agreed upon? Lots of different emotions/struggles/problems can come up with child support. If you don't need the money, is it worth the possible emotional damage around asking for it? If you genuinely want him to return, and he seems like he wants to return, is the money better invested in your husband's financial security and education/future career? If it's not court mandated (or even if it is?), can you handle it if he says no? If you do need the money, but he isn't willing to part with it for some reason - my father had big trust issues with how my mother would spend child support - perhaps agree on some alternative option? (For example, agree to invest the money in a college savings account or individual retirement account for your daughter - somewhere the money can go to work for her, but be out of either parent's "untrustworthy" hands.)

Just some thoughts - I haven't dealt with child support myself, other than being the child "supported."

Again, best of luck!
Kayla


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## vauxhall101

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you! I will do that. However, he hasn't replied my last 2 texts & takes his time to (a week sometimes). It's been 3 months but no sign of reconciliation so far just limbo... not sure how to get him to open up. What would you suggest?
> 
> I am so sorry to hear about your wife, do you still love her? From my point of view, I knew he was not in the wrong at times but would continue with the manipulation to get my ego stroked... I genuinely thought he didn't mind it & I needed some extra "coddling" & reassurance. But I loved him more than I had loved anyone. I think it was some sick form of control knowing that someone would love me & stick by me no matter what (what a fool I was).
> 
> If you still love her, maybe I suggest telling her it won't work unless she changes her ways & seeks treatment now! & if she responds negatively (due to not believing you), perhaps you could stay at a friend's for a week or so? Tell her you want a divorce. If she does cave in & break down, begging you for a chance to save your marriage, perhaps it's something to consider idk, IF you're on the fence. But if she doesn't seem bothered to try to win you back during that separation, it's safe to say she isn't interested...



I'd try to get him to open up by not talking about 'heavy' subjects too much, maybe try and talk to him about things that he is interested in. I once read that how women are with sex, men are with emotions - you shouldn't just go charging in, some foreplay is required. 

I still love her, but it's no good. I wouldn't mind if she was like you, and willing to take responsibility for the way she behaves, but she's not. She violently maintains that I'm in the wrong. She's not interested in seeking treatment for her anger and abusive behaviour, because she doesn't regard it as a problem. It's my fault, not hers. We're just going to have to break up, I'm afraid.


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## Personal

Louise McCann said:


> I am an attractive woman *with temper & self-esteem issues*. I am undergoing therapy which he knows & seeing a doctor. I really regret my ill-treatment towards him & *am slipping back into depression*...


As unpalatable as this may seem to you, considering the things that I have bolded above the very best thing you could possibly do for him is to let him go. Then hopefully you will address all of those things, prior to having any other sexual relationships.

Good luck.


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## musiclover

You were controlling, physically and verbally abusive but now youre going to change because he left you ? He's giving you mixed signals because he doesn't believe you will change that's why. 

I can't wrap my head around how people suddenly realize it's not ok to abuse their spouse until they finally leave. I just don't get it


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## Andy1001

As a previous poster has said you were controlling and physically and verbally abusive so he left.No big surprise there.
However he is no prize either,he has walked away from his baby and hasn't even asked to see her.You say he hasn't paid any child support and is "broke".A man,a real grown up man looks after his children above everything else.This guy has simply ran away from you and his responsibilities as a father.
I would never condone abuse in any relationship but I can see how frustrating it must have been to live with him.I think you need to try and forget him but chase his ass for child support.


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## Personal

Andy1001 said:


> I think you need to try and forget him but chase his ass for child support.


Yep!


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## aine

LM, you cannot nice him back, he is probably very hurt and confused although he himself hasnt been very mature, a real man does not bring a child into the world and then abandon them like this regardless of the mother, needless to say you both are still very young.

You should go no contact with him, leave him be (it is likely he will meet someone else and move on but does not want to pull the plug yet on you). Work on yourself with the therapist, become a better woman who is worthy of a good man. 
Perhaps you can try to talk to him once, tell him you know you have done a lot of damage, you are working on yourself, you know the marriage is probably over. You will not be contacting him but will give him 3 months to make up his mind about the marriage and you.
If you do not hear from him, you assume it is over and you will file for divorce due to abandonment (or whatever is valid in your country). He will keep you hanging on while God only knows what he is doing elsewhere. You cannot control him, but you can control what happens in your own life.
Also tell him, you expect him to contribute to the raising of your child and use whatever legal means are at your disposal.
Incidentally, distance does not make marriages stronger, in fact it weakens them.
In this way, you are giving him time, and also setting a deadline as to when you move on. You can make it longer or shorter, but follow through. Otherwise you will be in this limbo for a long long time. 

I am sorry you are here, it is heartbreaking but there are always consequences for our actions. At least be thankful, you have a beautiful little baby and you are still young enough to meet someone and move on to much better things.


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## Satya

I'm going to be very blunt here, and I accept that I could be wrong in my suppositions... 

The fact that he's avoided seeing his daughter regularly all this time, is very likely due to him either: a.) wanting to avoid you, and/or b.) moving on/not interested in seeing her. Either, if true, says a lot. His actions hold your answer. 

It's very unfortunate, but if the abuse was bad enough (and it sounds pretty bad from what you described), he may have had to make a very tough decision to just let her go. However, his responsibility as a parent doesn't stop simply because he may wish it, so if anything, you should be pursuing child support. 

If your daughter was old enough to absorb you abusing and belittling your husband, then given enough time, she would (eventually) learn from your behavior and likely emulate it. I hope that by that possibility alone, you will seek professional help to prevent that from ever occurring. 

If your husband was so lazy, unhelpful, whatever, and it angered you enough to react physically and emotionally, why did you stay? Why did you have a child with him? The logical course of action would have been to leave him, divorce, and find a more compatible partner who could meet your needs and emulate your desired life goals. He's never going to change unless he strongly desires to, so again, I am curious as to why you would want him back, when things have a very high probability of being exactly the same as they've been before? 

If he wanted to come back, he would be back. You should stay in communication regarding your daughter only. In every other respect, I believe you should let him go and move on, focusing on bettering yourself. Your attractiveness is going to be moot if your abusive tendencies still thrive. 

All in all, I do not believe you are in limbo, I believe you are in denial.


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## KevinZX

Hi Louise, you are young, angry and in pain, but you are getting help with your issues, that is very good, but i have to admit their is a lot going on here, for a young couple to be mired in this marriage with a new baby, schooling, distant relationship, violence, it isn't an attractive package to reconcile easily. Blunt truth here, i would be very hesitant to get back in a marriage with all this going on, he is far away, which means he is building a new life of sorts, if he is short of cash than this will not help also. It is a mess, but you should concentrate totally on getting yourself sorted out with your issues, only then will you see clearly what it is you really want. My wife was fairly violent when she was younger, i hated her for it, i stuck around in the marriage but i know now this was wrong, i should have called it quits twenty years ago, i now regret this decision. My advice is this, get well, get your education out of the way, live well within yourself, maybe he will reconcile when he see's a new you, but don't be disappointed if you get nowhere with him.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Louise McCann

musiclover said:


> I can't wrap my head around how people suddenly realize it's not ok to abuse their spouse until they finally leave. I just don't get it


Hello thanks for your input. I'm not sure I mentioned that I was abusive last year & have not laid a finger on him for many months as I sincerely felt ashamed of my actions and wanted to change, also for my then unborn child. I stopped swearing as well and tried not to confront him unnecessarily.

However, when my daughter was born I was under a lot of stress (first-time mum who previously disliked kids) & had expectations of him which he did not meet. During those 3 weeks of her life which he was present, I yelled at him twice and called him names the 2nd time (which I assume is a form of abuse on its own). 

I was in the process of changing but lost my cool then and truly regretted it. I told him I wouldn't ever put him down like that.


Andy1001 said:


> As a previous poster has said you were controlling and physically and verbally abusive so he left.No big surprise there.
> However he is no prize either,he has walked away from his baby and hasn't even asked to see her.You say he hasn't paid any child support and is "broke".A man,a real grown up man looks after his children above everything else.This guy has simply ran away from you and his responsibilities as a father.
> I would never condone abuse in any relationship but I can see how frustrating it must have been to live with him.I think you need to try and forget him but chase his ass for child support.


Thank you Andy. I grew up in a society where divorce is pretty rare & marriage is regarded as a union for life. I truly love him with his flaws & all... he recently got a job which doesn't pay a lot, while I am now unemployed & having to go back to college. 

Also, I can't imagine my child having to grow up without a dad. He says he misses her & will save to see her as soon as possible but I am unsure how much of this is true.


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## Yag-Kosha

Louise McCann said:


> I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times.


This type of person doesn't change within a couple of months. I actually fear for your daughter's safety. And if you think your abuse won't just as easily turn to her direction, you have a lot to learn about abusers.


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## Louise McCann

Yag-Kosha said:


> Louise McCann said:
> 
> 
> 
> I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times.
> 
> 
> 
> This type of person doesn't change within a couple of months. I actually fear for your daughter's safety. And if you think your abuse won't just as easily turn to her direction, you have a lot to learn about abusers.
Click to expand...

Sorry but I don't appreciate your comment. Who made you the Abuse Police & expert psychologist? 

I believe I did improve in some ways over the course of my pregnancy. From being constantly unhappy, stirring up petty fights & going into full-blown rages, I became a lot more calm & often bit my tongue even when my ex was lying to me about finances. Screaming matches became silent treatments until I had cooled off. I truly loved him & wanted to be a better wife & mother. Dare I say I am perfect & completely stable? No far from it. But I was on the way towards self-improvement when I lost my cool & said hurtful things I should not have said. I am presently undergoing treatment to rectify my ways & thinking because I now know that I have serious issues.

However, your comment was completely uncalled for. You do not know me nor my story so please reflect on yourself before you feel the need to suggest that I am an incapable mother. She is fine & very well-loved, thank you.


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## *Deidre*

The reason people say that abusers don't change or have a hard time changing, is because this entire thread is really about you. This is me trying to help you, not judge you. This thread is about how you can 'get him back,' how you can have what you want, again. It's not about your husband healing, or having a healthy relationship. I believe you're getting help, but you sound like you still want what you want, and are frustrated that your husband isn't replying as you wish. If you were a woman posting about your husband physically abusing you, everyone here would tell you to leave, but because your husband was abused, people for some reason, don't think physical abuse (and emotional) from a woman is all that bad.

I think you should pursue him for child support only, and let your husband heal. Let him have a life that he couldn't have with you. He doesn't sound like the perfect husband either, but it seems like you are still blaming his actions on why you abused him. You need to really heal yourself, so you can really be a healthy partner to someone, whether it's him or someone else. 

He should pay child support, though, so you have to communicate to that end, but if he doesn't respond about that, then get a lawyer.


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## Louise McCann

*Deidre* said:


> The reason people say that abusers don't change or have a hard time changing, is because this entire thread is really about you. This is me trying to help you, not judge you. This thread is about how you can 'get him back,' how you can have what you want, again. It's not about your husband healing, or having a healthy relationship. I believe you're getting help, but you sound like you still want what you want, and are frustrated that your husband isn't replying as you wish. If you were a woman posting about your husband physically abusing you, everyone here would tell you to leave, but because your husband was abused, people for some reason, don't think physical abuse (and emotional) from a woman is all that bad.


I do want a healthy relationship, I know he can't just come back when I want him to. Because the relationship would never last on the current circumstances.

I was looking to see if there was any hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. Any hope he would want to work together to start rebuilding the relationship on a different much stronger foundation. 

I was trying to heal & thought it was completely over until he texted that he missed me which gave me a glimpse of hope, but now that he's backed off again, I'm not sure if there ever was... It seems from everyone's point of view I should leave him be & just focus on myself.


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## *Deidre*

Louise McCann said:


> I do want a healthy relationship, I know he can't just come back when I want him to. Because the relationship would never last on the current circumstances.
> 
> I was looking to see if there was any hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. Any hope he would want to work together to start rebuilding the relationship on a different much stronger foundation.
> 
> I was trying to heal & thought it was completely over until he texted that he missed me which gave me a glimpse of hope, but now that he's backed off again, I'm not sure if there ever was... It seems from everyone's point of view I should leave him be & just focus on myself.


My mom likes the saying ‘’if you set something free and it returns to you, it is meant to be with you.’’ There are other versions of this saying, but I never liked that saying lol I think it’s natural to be impatient, you feel you have changed, and now want to try again with your husband. I totally get it, and I think it’s really great that you see the damage you’ve done not only to your marriage, but yourself. But, if it’s meant to be, he will return to you. I think that texting him too much can be confusing to him. I’ve dated abusive men before I got married, and it takes a really long time to heal from it, and a lot of the advice given to people who have been abused is to go no contact. Because it’s the only way to heal. 

I think also for your own healing, you need to focus on you. Because if you focus too much on him, it will distract you from your own healing, too. I hope that you are healing from what caused you to abuse. I know that people who hurt others, are hurting inside, themselves and it’s a matter of learning healthy ways to deal with the anger that you have inside. I do hope the best for you, and if you’re meant to be back together, it will happen.


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## Louise McCann

*Deidre* said:


> My mom likes the saying ??if you set something free and it returns to you, it is meant to be with you.??


I like that quote too.  Thanks a lot dear, I guess yeah some things are out of my control & if it is meant to be it is meant to be.


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## Louise McCann

I messaged him yesterday about child support with payday approaching... & no reply  

His last message was very positive, wishing me luck for my exams that I surely wouldn't have any trouble with & on how his days are boring only involving work. I replied with a question. No reply. I then sent a text telling him that I had gone to a place that reminded me of him - no reply. Now child support - no reply. Sigh, he's gone cold... having a very hard time coping with all the guilt, rejection, shame. I feel awful too that I am having to rely on family members to help me with my daughter.


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## *Deidre*

I don't think he's rejecting you, it could just be like we've said, he's guarded from all the abuse. You have to learn to forgive yourself, too. That's a tough thing sometimes when we have a lot of guilt. But, you have to forgive yourself, even if he is cold towards you.

But, as far as child support goes, he made that child too, so he needs to be responsible for child support. You may not want to have to take him to court, but that might be the only solution if he isn't responsive. 

I don't know if I could love a man who turned his back on his own kid, that's just me. I understand his behavior towards you, but not his child. I hope things get better for you.


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## sokillme

Louise McCann said:


> I am separated from my husband of only 10 months who left me 3 weeks post-partum. He now lives in another continent, which I will be relocating to for university.
> 
> We had an intense relationship pre-marriage, when it was good it was amazing & when it was bad it was really bad. I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times.
> 
> After we got married I slapped him a few times but stopped for the most part this year. I believed I had become more calm & stable, (he wasn't perfect, immature, very lazy, careless with money, lied about silly things) I stopped cussing too.
> 
> We hadn't argued in a long time but had 2 arguments after the birth of my daughter about him flunking college (he's only 21). The 2nd time I had called him names like useless, stupid & retarded. He left for college & never came back home.
> 
> I begged for a long time but he was so angry & wouldn't contact me for weeks, not even about our daughter. We have since become civil, friendly at times - he told me he's stressed, misses me at times & has been positive with his texts. However, he is very iffy with his texts & will initiate only sometimes but mostly gives delayed replies or none at all. I asked him if he wanted to give our marriage a shot to which he said he "didn't know" & needed time.
> 
> Can someone advise me on how to get him to come back? & why he is giving mixed signals? I know for a fact there is nobody else. I am an attractive woman with temper & self-esteem issues. I am undergoing therapy which he knows & seeing a doctor. I really regret my ill-treatment towards him & am slipping back into depression...
> 
> What can I do to regain his trust & rebuild his attraction towards me if I had been such a ***** before.? Please help


I will give you the exact same advice I gave a guy who came on here with the same situation. Your priority should be to fix you, not getting back with this guy or be with any other guy. Until you fix your abusive behavior any relationship and I mean any will be doomed to fail. It's even more important then school. It will lead to failure in your whole life. 

Hopefully you won't abuse your child but you know you have it in you. One of the ways you deal with things not going you way is to use violence. YOU NEED TO FIX THIS NOW! This should be the number one priority in your life as it will destroy you if you don't.

Personally I don't think it is appropriate to give you advice about getting back with a person who you abused, at least until you have had a whole lot of therapy. It is better for him that he is not with you as you are now.


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## Louise McCann

*Deidre* said:


> I don't know if I could love a man who turned his back on his own kid, that's just me. I understand his behavior towards you, but not his child. I hope things get better for you.


Thank you for your sound advice, your responses have been very uplifting especially at a very vulnerable time for me. My family says the same thing as you and would never approve of us getting back together. I'm not sure, somehow I blame myself for driving him away from his kid & perhaps his young age/lack of maturity. I feel responsible for tearing our family apart...I know he has good in him, he did tolerate my abuse for a while. 

At the same time I feel like I might be a codependent, I find myself almost unable to stop obsessing over him. I will be close to him in Scotland in a week & am not sure I will be strong enough to stop myself from inviting him to meet up. If I were to be rejected, I am not sure I would be strong enough to study for my exams either. I suppose I have no choice but to try my best.



sokillme said:


> Personally I don't think it is appropriate to give you advice about getting back with a person who you abused, at least until you have had a whole lot of therapy. It is better for him that he is not with you as you are now.


I appreciate your point of view. I must add that I had seen a doctor for my anger issues since December last year & was able to stop any form of physical abuse. Verbal insults during fights were more difficult for me to refrain from however. I did manage to stop cussing though for a few months until the day he left... I was honestly sure I could put an end to my abusive ways but maybe I don't even know myself that well :/ I am hoping I will inprove overtime with further therapy.

If he agrees to work on the marriage, I would not want for us to live together right away but rather work at our issues separately, but with the understanding that the aim is reconciliation. However, I don't see that as a likely possibility anymore


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## *Deidre*

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you for your sound advice, your responses have been very uplifting especially at a very vulnerable time for me. My family says the same thing as you and would never approve of us getting back together. I'm not sure, somehow I blame myself for driving him away from his kid & perhaps his young age/lack of maturity. I feel responsible for tearing our family apart...I know he has good in him, he did tolerate my abuse for a while.
> 
> At the same time I feel like I might be a codependent, I find myself almost unable to stop obsessing over him. I will be close to him in Scotland in a week & am not sure I will be strong enough to stop myself from inviting him to meet up. If I were to be rejected, I am not sure I would be strong enough to study for my exams either. I suppose I have no choice but to try my best.


I think not contacting him would be best. This is a really great time, even though it's painful, to grow and become a stronger person. If you keep calling, texting, and running to him, you won't grow or change. I married a really strong, amazing guy, but before him, I dated quite a few players and ''bad guys.'' Actually, that seemed to be all I was attracting...good looking player types and a few who were abusive. There came a point when I had to ask myself, what am *I* doing to attract these types? :scratchhead:

It was painful, because I had to come to terms with my childhood. I had an abusive upbringing with my dad, and that sort of carried over into the men I was attracting. I've since forgiven my dad and we have a good relationship now, but healing can be painful, is my point. It's not supposed to feel good, that is why you're healing. lol If you just keep at it, you will heal, and you won't abuse anymore, but you have to not go back to bad habits. I honestly don't think that you should contact your husband except when it has to do with your child. Work on yourself and stay positive that your future will get better.


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## chronicallyfrustrated

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you for your sound advice, your responses have been very uplifting especially at a very vulnerable time for me. My family says the same thing as you and would never approve of us getting back together. I'm not sure, somehow I blame myself for driving him away from his kid & perhaps his young age/lack of maturity. I feel responsible for tearing our family apart...I know he has good in him, he did tolerate my abuse for a while.
> 
> At the same time I feel like I might be a codependent, I find myself almost unable to stop obsessing over him. I will be close to him in Scotland in a week & am not sure I will be strong enough to stop myself from inviting him to meet up. If I were to be rejected, I am not sure I would be strong enough to study for my exams either. I suppose I have no choice but to try my best.
> 
> 
> 
> I appreciate your point of view. I must add that I had seen a doctor for my anger issues since December last year & was able to stop any form of physical abuse. Verbal insults during fights were more difficult for me to refrain from however. I did manage to stop cussing though for a few months until the day he left... I was honestly sure I could put an end to my abusive ways but maybe I don't even know myself that well :/ I am hoping I will inprove overtime with further therapy.
> 
> If he agrees to work on the marriage, I would not want for us to live together right away but rather work at our issues separately, but with the understanding that the aim is reconciliation. However, I don't see that as a likely possibility anymore


Yo I'm back.

You probably are experiencing some problems with co-dependency. Has your therapist done any work with you on something called Internal Family Systems? The core idea of IFS is that our minds/emotional landscapes are made up of many different internal players or voices. We have managers who try to control things, firefighters who try to stop crises, and exiles who have fear, express pain, and need to be heard. At the core is our Self, the person that we really are underneath all the voices of influence in our mind. Can you identify your own voices? For example, the voice that says you should feel guilty for what you've done. Or, the voice that suggests that if you get your husband back, you won't have to feel guilty anymore. Or, the voice that says your temper and self esteem problems are too much to deal with. Learning to tell which voices are "Louise," and which voices are managers, firefighters or exiles can be very difficult, but ultimately can help you understand your behavior.. And, ideally, stop bad behavior towards self or others before it happens.

You've asserted the progress you made while your husband was still living with you multiple times. It's not that it's not good progress. You're right, it was a major improvement, and it surely took a lot of work to achieve and maintain for 4 months. However, it's not up to this forum weather or not it was "good enough". In the context of your husband returning, he must decide for himself what "good enough" is in a spouse.

But, much more importantly, you must decide what "good enough" is for you. From your postings here, it looks like you are seeking external validation for this in the form of your husband returning. You have to understand that your husband is not a good gauge for "good enough," that determination has to come from you internally. If your husband returns, and you feel "good enough" for a while, but then something new happens - a fight, for example - that sets things back, you're right back to "not good enough" and dogging after the external validation of prodigal husband. The magic behind deciding that you're good enough from your own determination is that if your husband never returns, you're still good enough. Good enough to raise your daughter, do well and focus in school, find another partner where mutual respect can be achieved...

This is why everyone is emphasizing to "work on you." Without a reliable sense of Self, you're only what people see you as.

I hope this helps
Kayla


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## Louise McCann

Hello I am back. I am in my husband's home country. During my journey, I received a long text from him on the 1st. He apologised for the delayed replied due to his charger having problems. He asked me how I was doing, said he missed his child, wished us well etc. He also told me he would be paid on the 10th & would discuss with me child support afterwards. I replied over several days (ugh emotions), one joking about the weather since I had arrived, one with our daughters picture and another inviting him for a casual catch up as friends over coffee. All have gotten unanswered. Last week I texted him " sending a kind reminder to remember to settle child support!" & that too has received no reply. He was active on whatsapp not long ago so I know I am being deliberately ignored...

Any forms of encouragement would be much appreciated. The first few days here were HARD - places triggering my memory, the realisation that he is physically so close yet really so far away, plus having my offer ignored. I've started detaching from him lately and have accepted that our chances are close to none. But as my last days are approaching, I've found myself longing for him again, feeling such pain, wishing I had done things differently before...

Any advice please?


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## aine

*Re: Solution*



Amy01 said:


> MY Joy is back to me after a very long time which i and my ex separated since i was alone my life change,every thing about me change a friend of mine gave me an email address and told me that this was the email address she contacted when she was in the same problem so i contacted the email i got a reply he ask me to send him my number so i did he was a man call PRIEST ADE he is a spell caster he casted a spell for me and told me that within two day that my ex we be back for good within that two days my ex was back, i and my ex just got married. few week back, you can contact him at ;[email protected]) once again thank you PRIEST ADE


SPAM alert!


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## aine

Louise McCann said:


> Hello I am back. I am in my husband's home country. During my journey, I received a long text from him on the 1st. He apologised for the delayed replied due to his charger having problems. He asked me how I was doing, said he missed his child, wished us well etc. He also told me he would be paid on the 10th & would discuss with me child support afterwards. I replied over several days (ugh emotions), one joking about the weather since I had arrived, one with our daughters picture and another inviting him for a casual catch up as friends over coffee. All have gotten unanswered. Last week I texted him " sending a kind reminder to remember to settle child support!" & that too has received no reply. He was active on whatsapp not long ago so I know I am being deliberately ignored...
> 
> Any forms of encouragement would be much appreciated. The first few days here were HARD - places triggering my memory, the realisation that he is physically so close yet really so far away, plus having my offer ignored. I've started detaching from him lately and have accepted that our chances are close to none. But as my last days are approaching, I've found myself longing for him again, feeling such pain, wishing I had done things differently before...
> 
> Any advice please?


LC, if you are there to study, then make sure you do. It will take you a while to settle in and make new friends, etc but I guarantee you your life will be better for it. Forget him, he wasn't a good man if he so willingly dumped you and especially his child. You will meet someone who will love you and cherish you both, so keep detaching, do not reach out to him except for the child support. If possible get a lawyer to firm that up.
Concentrate on your studies so that you can get a good career going and start life afresh. Leave him and the past behind. May I ask which country you went to?
You should consider counselling so as to learn how to be happy without him.


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## Anthony Wellers

Louise McCann said:


> We had an intense relationship pre-marriage, when it was good it was amazing & when it was bad it was really bad. I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times.


This is a good sign. The fact that YOU have admitted this to yourself is the first step to changing how you act.

Many people refuse to accept that they have a problem, and reflect onto others for their mistakes, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse or whatever, and therefore can never learn from their mistakes. You can!


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## aine

LC, how is it going in Scotland?


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## NextTimeAround

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you Kayla for the sincere advice! You are very insightful. I am simply heartbroken sigh... *Yes I love him because he was amazing to me during our relationship despite my horrible behaviour. *But he left without saying goodbye to our baby & hasn't paid child support... you're right I have issues & I believe so does he but it may not be my place to tell him yet, counselling would be much safer for that.
> 
> I will wait on him to get back to me... so is it best to not invite him to meet up whilst I am in the same city as him for 2 weeks? Should I also not reach out for child support? His pay is due soon I am sure.


Or maybe you need a man who takes less **** off women.

People who are too nice pose no challenge and become boring relationship partners.


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## Louise McCann

aine said:


> LC, how is it going in Scotland?


Aye, how did you know I was in Scotland? Sorcery haha... thank you for asking  xx

I bumped into my STBX on my last day, who at the time was ignoring all my messages. He was very nice to me, came in for a hug, then gave me excuses as to why he did not pay reply or pay child support as promised. He went on to talk **** about his dad and brother. I showed him photos of our girl and he was bawling in the shop. Full-on! I asked him casually if he would meet me later that night & he said maybe.

He texted me after to decline and say he was tired. I took it quite hard but I guess the rejection helped me to wake up & realise he doesn't miss me ONE BIT.

Since our "meeting", he has texted me 5 times over 2 weeks. Just to check in and have boring shallow conversations which I always end by not replying. He once asked me when I plan on filing as it "needs to be settled". I admitted I was still in love with him but understood we were better off apart. The last time he texted he told me the religious leader in his town whom he saw recently, asked to arrange a meet up for us to have a discussion. I never asked why or what, nor did I say yes or no. That was 4 days ago.

I have been doing OK, but my parents are overseas and I have been busy with the baby. Being cooped up at home has taken quite a tole on me & I miss him again, not gonna lie... a number of men have been trying to pursue me but I am obviously far from ready. I am not attracted to anyone at all, tbh I feel completely asexual. The thought of dating, sex or marriage makes me cringe. I don't know if this is normal. It doesn't help that my STBX is constantly online on WhatsApp, probably chatting with some girl while his wife & kid sit at home. 

I am going on a date tomorrow (hiring a babysitter) as much as I don't want to, just to take my mind off things. This guy is better looking than my ex - tall, dark, handsome, tattoos. I am not attracted to him but I'm hoping for some form of distraction. Or to feel wanted & good about myself. Maybe this is akin to secret indirect revenge on my STBX. Who knows. 

So yesss that's the latest scoop. I have not cried for him since the 18th of August, which is a great achievement!


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## Louise McCann

NextTimeAround said:


> Or maybe you need a man who takes less **** off women.
> 
> People who are too nice pose no challenge and become boring relationship partners.


I see where you are coming from but I liked that about him. I never saw it as boring, but more as stable.

Is it strange I prefer Beta-males as opposed to Alpha ones? I find Alpha males cocky and entitled, at times intimidating. Betas seem sensitive, kind, innocent & cute. Or maybe I simply have issues lol


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