# Does this count as emotional abuse?



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

As I'm giving my wife directions on the phone, she's not understanding them. I tell her the highway, she berates me for not giving directions "correctly". I tell her where the place is in relation to another place she knows. Her response is "I'm not at f***ing (the place she knows), how many f***ing times do I have to f***ing tell you?"

My response: "So find it yourself," hang up the phone.

?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does she talk to this like you all the time? Does she have a pattern of berating you?

If not, it just sounds like she was irritated and ranting.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your wife was being rediculous, obviously a horrendously bad day & she is taking it out on you. I don't think anyone should except RESPECT if they dish that type of attitude out. I wouldn't hang up but I wouldn't feel any sense in explaining another word -if that was thrown at me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This post just reminded me of my ex. If I said things the wrong way or asked a question in a way he didn't like, he would go off on me like that. But it was a constant with him. Eh, triggers.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

It's become a fairly regular thing, yes. She goes from zero to pissed in no time flat.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't envy you. Elaborate.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

stuckinboston said:


> It's become a fairly regular thing, yes. She goes from zero to pissed in no time flat.


What you have posted sounds abusive. If it is her way of interacting with you. 

As for the zero to pissed in no time flat, that is normal for many abusers. And there are no levels of anger or irritation for them. They seem to be either calm and 'normal' or irate and ranting. There is no such thing as a little angry for them, and a minor irritation can get them just as angry as something major.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

stuckinboston said:


> As I'm giving my wife directions on the phone, she's not understanding them. I tell her the highway, she berates me for not giving directions "correctly". I tell her where the place is in relation to another place she knows. Her response is "I'm not at f***ing (the place she knows), how many f***ing times do I have to f***ing tell you?"
> 
> My response: "So find it yourself," hang up the phone.
> 
> ?


Your wife qualifies for verbal abuse but not emotional abuse, your response is passive agressive


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Links:

Emotional abuse:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Verbal abuse:

Verbal Abuse - Is Your Relationship Verbally Abusive?

Abusive relationships:

Abusive Relationships, characteristics, consequences and recovery stratagies.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

My responses are usually pretty much passive, rarely (except for this time I suppose) aggressive. Some examples of zero-to-pissed are:

- Came home and found her throwing shoes at our dog, whom she had locked in his crate, because he chewed up one during the day. Her anger focused on me, and it became my fault that he had figured out how to climb over the baby gate that keeps him in the kitchen.

- I cleaned the house one Saturday while she was out. When she got back, it wasn't up to her expectations, so she cried over the fact that she "is the only one who cares" about the state of the house. Trigger: streaks on the kitchen counter from where I had cleaned it with spray cleaner.

- Things tend to become my fault. We're late to something? My fault for driving too slowly. Her shoe breaks? My fault for taking her out on Valentine's (surprising her with a local cruise; she scraped a heel boarding the ship and was inconsolable for most of the night). Always her voice rises, she floods with anger, and either yells or sulks.

- Yesterday, I accidentally took her car keys to work with me. She reamed me out over the phone and shouted that she was sick to death of my irresponsibility. Absolutely took me to the cleaners over the phone, and went to bed with a headache as soon as I got home.

Pile on top of this that our sex life is dead, she is vehemently opposed to children (which I have always wanted), and her wardrobe is very nearly pushing mine clean out of the master bedroom, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing with this woman.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If this was a rare outburst followed by an apology when she returns home, then I'd say she was just extremely frustrated with being lost and feeling like you weren't helping her in the way she needed.

If this happens in the future calmly tell her that you won't stay on the phone while she is being disrespectful. Let her know she can call back when she's ready to treat you with respect, then hang up. Your passive aggressive response is just adding fuel to the fire. You're giving her a reason to be upset. Adress her behavior directly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

My husband would have just hung up on me and vice versa. I say it's emotional and verbal abuse. It hurt your feelings so it's emotional and she did it verbally so it's verbal. I would state in no uncertain terms you would NOT be talked to like that. They have given you some very good websites above. I would read them. I was taught by an abusive Mother to sit there and take her horrible abuse and not open my mouth. And she said and did really mean things. I went to the prom with a black eye and a threat of her knocking my teeth down my throat (I don't think she would have done that but I was so young then) because I wouldn't wear my hair the way she wanted me to to the prom,up in curls. I wanted to wear it long. I went with my hair up in curls.....and a shiner. 
It took me a long time and lots of counseling to learn to stand up for myself. People would say and do mean things to me and I'd just sit there and say nothing like I was taught to. Not anymore. Counseling helped me see I didn't deserve it. Now I take no crap off anyone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She sounds like an angry lady. Stop being passive with her. Call her out on her BS. Don't own anything more than you need to. If you mess up (like taking her keys to work accidentally), you can tell her "I accidentally brought them to work, I am sorry and will get them to you when I come home/on lunch break." If she keeps ranting tell her "I understand you are upset but you don't need to speak to me in that tone because I don't speak to you that way" and hang up.

CALL HER OUT EVERY TIME ON HER BS. 

I shudder at her throwing shoes at your dog. 

Re: sex life--I'm not surprised it's dead--one generally doesn't get turned on by someone who treats them like sh!t.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Man up advice in 3...2...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

In the vernacular, we would say "she's having trouble dealing"


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

stuckinboston said:


> My responses are usually pretty much passive, rarely (except for this time I suppose) aggressive. Some examples of zero-to-pissed are:
> 
> - Came home and found her throwing shoes at our dog, whom she had locked in his crate, because he chewed up one during the day. Her anger focused on me, and it became my fault that he had figured out how to climb over the baby gate that keeps him in the kitchen.
> 
> ...


Well if she acts like this, and you don't have kids with her, I don't know what the hell you are doing with her either! 

Seriously, you might want to try to figure that out.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Your wife qualifies for verbal abuse but not emotional abuse, your response is passive agressive



Good point.


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

WHOA! Throwing shoes at the DOG? If I caught my husband doing that to MY sweet dog,he'd get more then shoes thrown at him. Imagine how she'd act with a child. She's acting like a spoiled rotten child who can not control her anger. If she didn't willingly get some help,I'd be walking out that door.....with my dog. She's probably abusing the dog more then you know.
I can't imagine what she'd do with a child that keeps her up all night with an ear infection. Your home is not a safe environment for a child because I feel she would be a very abusive mother.
My son's wife changed her mind about having kids too. She wanted them before marriage but not after. He feels that she only said that to get him to marry her. He's very angry about it because he so wants to be a Dad. No,I am not a meddling mother or mother-in-law. He vents to me but I say nothing to her. My DIL is a very sweet person and I love her very much. But I sure am worried. I think my son feels trapped but it would also be wrong for her to have a child she didn't want. They have to figure it out. My job is just to worry.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It almost sounds like she has a personality disorder. The rages, constant blowing up and blaming you, etc. - that all fits into the personality disorder category. Look up borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and see if those fit.

Depeding on her level of dysfunction, therapy might help. Some PD's are more difficult to treat (NPD for example) than others. Sometimes people don't have the capacity to change. It all depends.

Don't have kids with her! I would ask her to get counseling and I would see a psychologist yourself to work on your issues (low self esteem maybe?).


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She may feel overwhelmed. When one more thing happens she snaps. Whatever the issue she needs to deal with it, or you will be taking another lady on that cruise


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## kay42 (Aug 7, 2011)

I think you need to set up boundries, if you want kids she doesn't shouldn't that be a deal breaker in it's own? Yelling at you throwing stuff at the dog....when does it move to throwing stuff at you instead. Your cleaning is not up to her standard? Effort is important, atleast you are trying. Draw the line some where, tell her how it makes you feel, if that doesn't make a difference decided what is right for you.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

My husband speaks to me like that. 

I think it's verbal abuse.


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