# VAR recordings: Pandora's Box?



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

From reading another poster's thread, and his successful use of car/home VARs (apologies to anyone else who used them with success), I was intrigued with regards to those posters who advised him NOT to listen to certain VAR recordings (in this case, of his wife and OM fcuking in the bedroom)..."_you'll never forget what you hear", "it will psychologically damage you", _etc

I myself didn't, being as I found out about my wife and her OM in less-than-efficient ways. Hence, this just gave me endless times of 'Mind-Movies'.

My question is: who else HAS had similar VAR recordings (car VARS, home/bedroom VARs) and listened to them.
What was your reaction? Then and Now?
Do you reget the use of a VAR?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I haven't yet had the displeasure of hearing anything graphic, other than my WS bending the truth, swearing more than usual and playing up to a young female work colleague (pretending she's 21 again - sort of). But nothing heavy.

Personally I reckon I can cope with anything I might hear given what I already know. I don't trust my WS and I will keep using the VAR. The VAR doesn't lie that's why I love it.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I think it a fine line when using covert media to catch the WS as to where youve sited the device and what you are targeting as the "evidence". If its in a bedroom you suspect that is being used for the "olympics" then you must prepare yourself to hear a partner with someone or even on their own (the latter probabley the one most hope will happen rather than hearing 2 or more in action). However, if youve passed the "are they doing this mode and have found evidence that that just needs confirming and youve entered the anger zone then I suspect most would be able to stomach it. Of course the issue is would the mind movies at some latter stage have an impact which is detrimental to you. I think its a tough call


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You open Pandora's box and all the crap comes out, but in the end after all of that, if you remember is hope. If you want to know the truth be prepared that it may not be what you really wanted.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I had to convert an audio file of a friend of mine killed in the line of duty.. He didn't have a radio and used his cell phone to call 911. 

That was almost 10 years ago.. I still remember it today.. 
Another friend of mine told me if I can just copy the audio and don't listen to it.. I should have listened to him that day.. 

My simple rational with my Ex was she did whatever we did when we were dating.. Which means oral in the car while parked and driving.. Sex in the car and just about everywhere else. I'm pretty sure they didn't meet to talk in a hotel room or in the backseat of our truck.. 

I agree if you're honestly past it then I get it, but how many say they are past it and are really not.. 

I'm no fool, I'm still angry, but I try to date to get my mind off sh1t.. When I am with someone else I don't think about her and being with someone else has a residual effect on me. The other person lingers on me for a few days.. But that is me.. 

If you can get by without the VAR I would.. It is just something that you will keep listening to long after they are out of the house.. I know there were several things I kept looking at after my ex was gone.. Digital pictures and such.. 

I mean really unless you have some sort of prenup which covers infidelity does it really matter ? Do you need to play the audio for their family when they call you a liar and stick up for your spouse ? 

You know they did it, they know they did it.. It's all that matters.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> If you can get by without the VAR I would.. It is just something that you will keep listening to long after they are out of the house.. I know there were several things I kept looking at after my ex was gone.. Digital pictures and such..


Thing is, a VAR isn't admissable in court...but it seems to be the final solid proof that a betrayed husband would use to confirm his fears.
I'm sure, for most people, the curiosity and human nature to listen would be too hard to resist...
_(BTW, I say husband, because would a wife go to all the hassle of buying and hiding a VAR somewhere?)_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The BS needs the truth. The BS does not have to listen to hours of recordings to get enough proof that their WS is boning their AP.

There have been BS's that found out when their WS butt dialed when banging their AP. BS's that walked in and saw them live. They recovered their marriage. And other's that divorced.

Then those BS that read thousands of texts, emails, were the WS and AP retold their exploits.

This is why a BS is always cautioned to be careful when asking a question. The answer can never be unheard. So the same advice is to be followed with everything else.

Though for me I would have to see every last piece of evidence to be able to stop seeking answers.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

theroad said:


> The BS needs the truth. The BS does not have to listen to hours of recordings to get enough proof that their WS is boning their AP.
> 
> There have been BS's that found out when their WS butt dialed when banging their AP. BS's that walked in and saw them live. They recovered their marriage. And other's that divorced.
> 
> ...


True - but when is it a case of 'enough is enough' for a betrayed spouse?

Sexting?
Graphic emails / photos?
VAR recordings of the wife or husband talking to their lover
VAR recordings of the wife or husband fcuking their lover?

Some posters have obtained all of the above, in succession but, and somehow, had the grit and determination to sit tight and felt the need to keep pushing the envelope to get that final shred which (usually the 'Bedroom VAR') convinced them they could confront...almost like some form of 'self-flagellation'?


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I have read their emails. the skank OW has a habit of recapping their time together and what was said in phone calls. I assume she is just covering her own a$$ in case he ever tried to deny it. I have those copies. She also sent him some vids and pics of her going at it alone, personal porn just for "his eyes only". What a stupid skank, my eyes saw them and so did a male friend of mine that helped me convert the vids. My WS knew it was not safe to send crap like that over the net, but they apparently did not care or did not think. She now sends them to his phone. I told him if he opened one more porn vid of her in our house, I would file on her for emotional duress. Not sure I can do that, but he thinks I can because he does not open them at home any longer. He is however searching all kinds of sex stuff for the two of them. 

I have thought about the VAR but I already know so no use in spending the money and cannot use it anyway except to prove him a liar. Mind movies are the worst and you cannot unknow it. It never goes away IMO


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I have thought about the VAR but I already know so no use in spending the money and cannot use it anyway except to prove him a liar. Mind movies are the worst and you cannot unknow it. It never goes away IMO


I don't think I could stand hearing stuff on a VAR. I know the kinds of things that lovers say. I don't need to hear her telling OM that crap, with my ring ain a box near the bed where they're doing it. 

So right about the mind movies.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I did the VAR thing in my wife's car. Heard the moans etc. They had sex three times in about a two hour timeframe. For me, as painful as it was and is, it was what it took to move me beyond all the lies, deceit, etc. I have never been able to listen to more then a few minutes at a time and never listened to the entire thing. My youngest son (age 27), and her family wanted me to send it to them for proof. My son listened to a segment I sent him and that was enough. He is very mature and told his aunts and uncles and counsins (who all said I was making this all up) that there is no doubt that his mother was having sex with OM. It was the final evidence. My wife was so good at lying and convincing others, she even had my son almost convinced that I was crazy.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

For me it would be all about playing the damning evidence right in front of her. I can take it just to see the look on her face and to be finally able to say F**K your denials! Game over!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thats what i mean by have a trusted friend listen or in 4 cases I did the dirty work and listened. Actually there was no sex on 2? of them, gah they all blur. I did audio enhancement on the others. IE reducing noise / boosting voices. RDMU house var being the one released example. I provided an overview and a transcript. Hearing another man inside your woman is a special kind of pain compared to for example her calling and setting up a fvck time.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

davecarter said:


> True - but when is it a case of 'enough is enough' for a betrayed spouse?
> 
> Sexting?
> Graphic emails / photos?
> ...


Enough is based on that individual BS. Every BS has their own need for detail when learning the truth about the affair.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Thats what i mean by have a trusted friend listen or in 4 cases I did the dirty work and listened. Actually there was no sex on 2? of them, gah they all blur. I did audio enhancement on the others. IE reducing noise / boosting voices. *RDMU house var being the one released example. I provided an overview and a transcript. Hearing another man inside your woman is a special kind of pain compared to for example her calling and setting up a fvck time.*


I think I'd even feel awkward and conflicted listening to a VAR of a friend's wife being fvcked by OM.
How do you...actually 'break the news' to a husband like that? i.e. what you heard on the VAR as to what you tell the husband when he wants to know 'details'? :scratchhead:

Weightlifter - how do you mean by 'released example / overview / transcript'? I'm assuming you mean to the betrayed husband in question?!


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

I feel that a VAR is a bit of an insurance policy... and worth it IMO (but I havent had to listen to moans and groans so may be biased)

You buy it <$100 and now you know whether you should stay or go... small price to pay for the piece of mind that you aren't crazy and that she/he is B.S.ing you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

davecarter said:


> I think I'd even feel awkward and conflicted listening to a VAR of a friend's wife being fvcked by OM.
> How do you...actually 'break the news' to a husband like that? i.e. what you heard on the VAR as to what you tell the husband when he wants to know 'details'? :scratchhead:
> 
> Weightlifter - how do you mean by 'released example / overview / transcript'? I'm assuming you mean to the betrayed husband in question?!


Released example. RDMU is the ONLY man who has released me to say I have done his VAR work. The other three have not. I never break a confidence so those other three men shall stay un-named.

shrug. I viewed it in a very detached way. By April, yes he was a friend. I was helping a friend. He wanted a synopsis and any relevant conversations that shed light on her psychology. He was already on mental the edge and hearing his wife moan with another man inside her could well have pushed him over.

Its simply something I can do in a detached technical way.

Break the news? Which is easier to deal with? especially knowing she is cheating which he did:

3 hours of actual moaning and sex noise?
OR a synopsis.
Sex X times over time Y
Sex type A
Sex type B
Sex type C
Mentioned this
Mentioned that
Confirm no second man
Confirm sex was not in master bed room

I have some abilities that many dont. 
First, I have an IQ of 140 and am a natural at software and technical. I can do stuff with Audacity very few can to boost or clean up a recording, especially if they follow my advice and use the 44K bit rate and above. (8K is really whiny and full of distortion)
Second I can read people (oddly excepting my wife who is a blank wall to me.) With many years of sales experience its simply something I can not turn off at this point. I hear the words between the words and hear emotion.

What was it like? First thing that comes to mind is BORING.
It was over three hours.
Second is understand when they were talking they were 40' away in a spare bedroom and the VAR was in the master. I had to boost the crap out of the audio to make it out. I was able to get whispers from 40' away. Oddly whispers were easier to make out (clearer not louder). The point is Im using audacity and mostly my mind is going hmmm let me compare NR+high pass+amplify +16 db to NR+high pass+amplify +8 db. Hmmm too much clipping on +16. Let me try subbing my EQ model in place of the high pass... hmmm is that word skew or screw?
Third. Annoyance. This is where detachment broke a little. RDMU had become a friend I had talked to by that point. I seriously wanted to pound Bob. Still do. Too bad about that felony thing. Plus... The universe would cease to exist if they cloned RDMU's Bob. There is simply not enough space in the universe for a second copy of that "man's" ego!

Some said I was creepy and got off on it. Uh with an internet full of any porn you want visuals, 40' away noise... puhlease.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

davecarter said:


> Thing is, a VAR isn't admissable in court...but it seems to be the final solid proof that a betrayed husband would use to confirm his fears.
> I'm sure, for most people, the curiosity and human nature to listen would be too hard to resist...
> _(BTW, I say husband, because would a wife go to all the hassle of buying and hiding a VAR somewhere?)_


Yes she would and they have.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Horizon said:


> For me it would be all about playing the damning evidence right in front of her. I can take it just to see the look on her face and to be finally able to say F**K your denials! Game over!!


I can understand if your spouse is at full denial then I can understand the VAR. 

Mine gave it up over the phone when I asked her. She must have known she couldn't lie. 

So I will flip my stance somewhat. I would say VAR if you have nothing else to prove your case.. But I wouldn't listen to them, I would have a trusted friend listen to them.. 

Listening to your spouse betray you is pretty much listening to someone you care about dying.. 

You never forget but eventually you learn to deal with it I guess. I think we as BS spouses just have so much else to deal with why incur another problem or issue in our lives or mind..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Examining the record of her many cell-phone calls to, and reading my STBXW's flirty texts to both of her other men was more than enough to sufficiently rip my heart out by its roots. Just the mere discovery about her clandestine affairs, when I loved and trusted her beyond measure, was disheartening enough!

And even if I ever came into possession of VAR recordings of her boinking either of those guys, just having to be subjected to even listening to her voice in her dialogue with them, the audible passion between them, along with the mattress springs squeaking would greatly be tantamount to serving me up a hefty dose of strychnine!

I just don't think that I could handle it! I'll just leave that aspect to God, as she can attempt to explain to Him, one day, her well-thought-out ecclesiastical rationale for her sordid actions in breaking our vows!

Apparently, she'll have plenty of time to prepare her case!*


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wow! I still have my xwifes cell phone, I took it after I discovered her sent and received texts with the OM. It has been two years and I have yet to even look at them again, cant bring myself to do so. (although I would like to see the one where the POSOM professes that she is his sole mate (yes his spelling) ) For me, having a VAR would cause me to still not be able to sleep...but that is just me. I think its like everything else, some people can take it some can not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hoosier: It's been better than 2 years in my separation/impending divorce situation, and I still have lots of trouble sleeping at night!*


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I bought a VAR but never used it. In the end it all unraveled other ways, and I'm glad it did as I wouldn't have liked to hear her say stuff from her own mouth on 'tape', not to mention any 'action'.

It's like emails. When I didn't know what was happening and was doubting myself, stuff like that was important. Now, I wouldn't have any interest in seeing them as they would just make everything hurt more than it does already.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

davecarter said:


> I think I'd even feel awkward and conflicted listening to a VAR of a friend's wife being fvcked by OM.
> How do you...actually 'break the news' to a husband like that? i.e. what you heard on the VAR as to what you tell the husband when he wants to know 'details'? :scratchhead:
> 
> Weightlifter - how do you mean by 'released example / overview / transcript'? I'm assuming you mean to the betrayed husband in question?!


There is no need to give play by play. No need to hear WW commenting on the OM's equipment.

There is the need to know when they met, how often they met, they had sex, number of times they had sex. So proof of affair is established.

VAR is needed to catch a WS. Not every WW leaves evidence on her phone, email, texts. Then if the text does not explicitly state how good the OM felt inside her last night the WW deny that their emails prove that they are having an affair.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Pandora's Box? No. The naked truth.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

VARs would be bad. I don't know that I would listen to my W screwing OM. However, reading their emails was torture enough. All the talk about their love, having sex in various places, their trips together, and how she wanted him to take her with him... Some days it's too much. 

In fact, I've been getting worse in my internal feelings lately, and I discovered the WHOLE truth back in February, with suspicions much farther back. So no need for a VAR, but I think I have enough of a mental picture burned into my mind to last my whole life.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> VARs would be bad. I don't know that I would listen to my W screwing OM. However, reading their emails was torture enough. All the talk about their love, having sex in various places, their trips together, and how she wanted him to take her with him... Some days it's too much.
> 
> In fact, I've been getting worse in my internal feelings lately, and I discovered the WHOLE truth back in February, with suspicions much farther back. So no need for a VAR, but I think I have enough of a mental picture burned into my mind to last my whole life.


What would be worse is a WW that did not use emails or text's. That poor BH would never of caught their WW cheating without a VAR.


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## sfViz (Sep 30, 2013)

My challenge is my wife is away from home, on travel in another state for a few months. I see the phone calls back and forth with an ex-boyfriend. I thought about using a GPS, iPhone tracker, and VAR before she left. All I was able to do is to setup the automatic check-in in the Verizon Family Locator tied to her iPhone. It sends me a text every night giving me her location. As far as I know she does not see the outgoing text (??). If / when she comes home next I would like to try the VAR approach. The question is where to hide it? In her suitcase, or... ?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

NM Im on your orig thread.


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