# Venting and wondering....



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I have been watching this site for about 2 weeks now. All the stories help me, and the threads....
I have been with my H for 8 years, it seems to me that right after we got married and I mean immediately something changed in him. He stopped being that wonderful helpful caring and compassionate man I married.
I had caught him watching porn within months of our marriage, we discussed the situation and he said he wouldn't do it anymore. Needless to say after about 4 years I found him watching alot of porn and found that he had been doing so all those years. 
He has issues with money management and such, probably due to watching the porn he says no but I think so, spending money on sites and whatnot.
When I caught him he went into a mental facility for a week, on supposed suicide watch, in which he had in the past threatened, he also had outbursts of anger punching holes in doors and even turned a gun on himself in front of me once.
So he came out of the facility, I was very hurt and said hurtful things. We tryed marriage counceling twice, but he was always distant and he is also passive aggressive in his personality.
He was diagnosed with a personality disorder and other things at the facility.
So I stuck it out trying to stay married and hoping he would change. Well that was a little over 3 years ago. I started a new job working out of town. And a week before it was time for me to start my new job 200 miles away from home he dropped the D bomb. Telling me he didn't love me anymore and whatnot. I was shattered. I left to go to work because I had no choice I signed a contract. A few weeks into my new job he tells me he wants to work on the marriage. OH YES, HE ALSO LOST HIS JOB. 
So like a good wife I beleive him and thank our Creator for changing his heart. I would go home every 2 weeks, he never came to see me. Things were always tense. He would tell me he didn't want to have sex, yet he still wanted to work on our marriage, we did have sex a few times in that 2 months.
I travel for 13 week assignments. I did go home for 2 weeks and cold tell something just wasn't right. I asked him if we should not talk during my next assigment, he said that wouldn't be a good idea.
So into the first week of my new assignement I asked him for his bank inforamtion and he gave it to me. Well I find a purchase of a trac phone. Then I started looking at our cell bill, and home phone numbers and well I confronted him. Drug it out of him but he finally confessed.
He had an EA for I don't know how long and a PA for again I don't know how long but more than 3 months. I forgave him and told him no contact. And 2 weeks in I see new numbers. He lies and I finally catch him talking with her. It's been around 2-3 weeks since that incident. I am 1,000 miles from home now.
He has strated counceling and has gone back to church....but the OW was a worship leader at a church close by. He also wrote a book about the Holy Tabernacle of the Most High during this affair. So what does church mean...He also used the name of the Most High in telling me how much he wanted to work on our marriage and love me again and promised the world. But I don't beleive him. 
I still have to drag things out and I find out things. Any way I laid the bait and I think he bit. I am watching him very closely even from afar. May buy some spy material I don't know if it's even worth spending the money on something I feel I already know. I am just not sure.
As my H has lied to me for so many years and he is so good at it do I even want to bother when my gut tells me something isn't right still. I did find a phone number on the phone that came in as all 000's and he did speak with that person for over 5 min yesterday. My gut tells me it's the OW. I have a way to put in numbers that even if they try and make it private the persons name will show up. So now I sit and wait for the inevitable. 
He told me that just a day or 2 ago he wanted to watch porn...now this is the same day that number showed up. He told me he didn't but he didn't say anything about talking with her and I know he won't.
So I wait and spy...what a terrible place to be...I have looked into cell phoen tracers that tell you where the phone is, and you can use it also as a bug...I am thinking of getting it.
I have been in such a bad state of mind, I'm confused but not a fool. I am waiting to catch him in action. I am going to be speaking to a D attorney in 2 weeks. I want to know my options.
Anyway venting...and not saying everything I feel...but thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> but the OW was a worship leader at a church close by.


Wow. She should be removed from that position.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

He has asked me not to expose her. I have wanted to believe me. He also tells me it would ruin her reputation....uh NO KIDDING....I know who she is.....One day I asked him what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he wouldn't speak to me anymore....AHHHHH....I hung up. Then when we spoke he tells me that her boyfriend might come to the house. I do have a son living at home still and do not want to put my son in jeopardy.....I am watching, I have laid bait.....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

seriously expose the OW to her church


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I've thought about it....I am waiting to catch them....then I expose him to her...medical records of personality disorder, porn watching and such, her pastor and his.....I am waiting...just waiting so I can justifiably expose it for what it is...lies and deciet on both their parts...


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> seriously expose the OW to her church


:iagree:

I would not want someone with no morals teaching me right from wrong, and going over Gods word with me.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree Wanabeelee....I know who she is and portrays herself at this wonderful sweet woman...it blew me away when I found out who it was...I was just shocked....But again I spoke with him tonight about wanting to out her...he tells me her boyfriend is not a Christian (so she's living an adultress life with her boyfriend)....I think to myself I am not the judge and she will be judged. There are many like her in the churches who are wolves in sheeps clothing..Anyway H again mentioned the boyfriend coming and putting a bullet in his head...so what am I to do?...The boyfriend is not a Chrisitain.....


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

"And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them."
--Ephesians 5:11

“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.
--Matthew 7:15

You have a duty to expose to the church.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

This is a hard one....I was thinking this morning on the whole thing....now I am begining to beleive that the only reason he doesn't want me to expose her is because that man she is living with will leaver her...accoridng to him she has been saddled down with debt becaue of him....and secondly his reputation as the nice guy who no one know's like I do.....I know I have the duty to expose her but what if the guy really is a crazed lunatic??? Then what.....sometimes I think about my H "you made your bed now lie in it"...but is that the way of Christ???? I am not sure...but I did tell him last night that if I found out different than what he is telling me of the NC then I definitely will expose the affair...he claims he's not talking to her...but his reaction to what I said was a little telling...as again he mentioned the boyfriend coming to kill him....is this just his paranioa? Or is it the fact that if I do expose the affair her reputation and finacial stability would be ruined....Also the only reason why he cut off the relationship is because he was caught....and he continued to speak with her for 2 more weeks after D Day.....I found a number on the phone that was blocked, I have a way to add a name to blocked numbers...so...again now I wait....because if he is still speaking to her...(he has lied to me all this time, why not now)...I definitely will file for Divorce...no matter what he says....and all will be brought out into the open


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> as again he mentioned the boyfriend coming to kill him....is this just his paranioa?


Could he just be giving you excuses so that you will not bring it out or do you really believe that this man would be upset enough to cause harm to another because his girlfriend was not faithful to him? Do you believe that this man will blame your H and not the woman that he is with? Is your H just protecting the OW?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

That's typical WS speak. You'd be amazed at how many waywards lie and claim their significant other is abusive. Your H is successfully manipulating you. If they were really worried, the affair wouldn't have happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Your husband is most definitely manipulating you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stop making excuses , go directly to the church elders nd expose their adultery . This affair will not stop while you stand back and do nothing, lack of exposure is making you an enabler of his adultery . Either stand up and fight against this affair and the evil it brings or offer her your bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Waywards are pathological liars, they continue to practice deceit because many betrayed spouse are too numbed to act, however we are telling you what to do . Expose the affair to church and the OW 's boyfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks for all the input....I am thinking on it...very seriously....I think he not only wants to protect her but his own reputation as well.....Oh yes and H told me that OW boyfiend abuses her....right!!!! Then he tells me that when he is home she waits on him hand and foot and thinks thats the Christian thing to do....According to my H the OW won't leave her boyfriend due to debt that he has put her in....but H also told me the guy makes 60.00 per hour....so.....I think that the guy would not risk loosing such a good carrier over a *****...I don't think anyway.....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Oh yes and H told me that OW boyfiend abuses her....right!!!!


Same garbage wayward husbands spew when they are threatened with exposure. Its in the book of excuses they must all read. 




> Then he tells me that when he is home she waits on him hand and foot and thinks thats the Christian thing to do.


She is gaslighting her boyfriend to make excuses for her affair, or your husband is lying .




> According to my H the OW won't leave her boyfriend due to debt that he has put her in


Bulls$%t ---fill in the blanks 



> but H also told me the guy makes 60.00 per hour


waywards have bad memories when they tell so many lies they forget what they told you.


Expose the affair to the boyfriend first then the church and DO NOT tell your husband what you are doing nor even say anything once you have exposed.

When he does find out it confirms his ongoing contact with the OW and if he is angry , offer him a cookie. Your marriage can survive his anger it cannot survive interference from third person.


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