# Need some Advice



## trick508 (Sep 15, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years. She has cheated on me in the past but I forgave her cause she told me about it the next day. About one month ago she admitted to me that she was having an affair. I gave her the choice of what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to stay together and work things out. I agreed to this and told her that she could have no more contact with this other man. Well in the first two weeks she called him several times and they have exchanged emails. We talked about it and she agree no more contact if she truely wanted to try and work things out. For the last 10 days she has had no contact with him.

I love my wife, I love my daughter. At first when she told me about it I could not leave cause I was afraid I would be alone for the rest of my life. Now I feel that I can leave but dont want to deal with the divorce.

When my wife told me about the affair she said that she emotionally detached from me several years ago and that she loves me as a best friend. When we agreed to work things out she said we would be best friends with benifits. During this hole thing something changed. Before she use to love sex and would be the one to start all the time and me I would do it cause she wanted it. Now since the affair, she does not want sex at all and I cant get enough of it. I understand she is dealing with alot and I try not to pressure her but I cant understand it. Does anyone have any suggestions for me and my entire situation? thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your wife is likely still disconnected from you. If she doesn’t have that emotional tie she may not feel comfortable with intimacy. That does not explain however her involvement with other men. Seem contradictory. Does she still have feelings for the former lover?


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## trick508 (Sep 15, 2008)

As for the affair with the other man: She has told me that she cares for him. I can see it in her eyes that she loves him but she says they have never used the "love" word.

When we first started working on things she told me she did not want to have sex cause she said she was thinking of him and did not think that was fair to me.

I seriously dont know what to do. She loves him but she has said she cant leave our marriage cause she will be hurt and would miss me to much. Its like that old saying "you cant have your cake and eat it too"


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

trick508-

Your wife seems quite selfish the way you tell it, but we are not hearing the full story. From what little you say, she was always the initiator of sex in the past. Even when they get a good time, women (and sometimes men), get fed up with always being the initiator. 



> Before she use to love sex and would be the one to start all the time and me I would do it cause she wanted it.


Can you clarify the above? it makes it sound like sex was not your thing.

As for her saying she does not want sex with you because she is thinking of him, that one is easy - tell her you don't mind what she thinks of, her thoughts are private! My wife often pretends I am someone else - I find that fun.

However, she is probably making an excuse, but such a naughty woman needs to have her bluff called


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

trick508 said:


> As for the affair with the other man: She has told me that she cares for him. I can see it in her eyes that she loves him but she says they have never used the "love" word.
> 
> When we first started working on things she told me she did not want to have sex cause she said she was thinking of him and did not think that was fair to me.
> 
> I seriously dont know what to do. She loves him but she has said she cant leave our marriage cause she will be hurt and would miss me to much. Its like that old saying "you cant have your cake and eat it too"


While having fantasies in bed are common, thinking of someone you are emotionally attached to that is not your mate is not acceptable. If she is not able to disconnect from this man your marriage will not heal. Staying in a marriage because you will miss your mate is not what it is all about. Respecting your mate’s needs and wants is. She is not respecting yours. She thinks she will be hurt??? Consider your options.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I forgave my Wife once for cheating, or rather I chose to stay in the situation after the cheating on the understanding/promise that it would never happen again.
If it happened again and if she didn't immediately become a victim of a crime of passion as a result and I spend the rest of my life in prison, I hope I would have the balls to leave her.
I don't know though, because I read about this kind of thing and the man almost always punks out and decides to forgive AGAIN and AGAIN or blames himself for it, makes excuses for her, etc.
There is a small percentage that go OJ in that situation or choose to salvage what little pride and self respect they have left and leave.

We (my Wife and I) have a beautiful son that I love very much, he and the fact that I want to raise him, is a reason that I wouldn't just end her and or dude or just divorce.

I guess it's simply up to how much BS you are willing to put up with from your Wife and what's more important to you. 

If you have no problem with your Wife playing you for a fool, then by all means stay and let her play out this 
"I'm so conflicted" drama BS and do whatever she want.

I have only forgiven my Wife cheating once and I promised something bad if it ever happened again but who knows what will truly happen when I am confronted with that choice myself.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I hope the "something bad" you're talking about is that you will leave with your kid and she'll be all alone when she grows old. That's going to be really bad.


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