# How can I turn on my LD/ED husband?



## Lonelyblonde (May 10, 2014)

Hello lurker here and first post.

We've been married 12 years and in the past few months since dh and I have been in a huge spat about dh's odd behavior, he has become ed. He's always been rather ld, sex on Saturday night only. Now since me finding 35+ young women on his LinkedIn and confronting him (these women supposedly never existed since he works in a male dominated profession and "they're just women from work" yes I know oldest line in the book) and several mornings in a row I woke up at 5am and he was gone, things like that, I became suspicious and it all hit the fan. DH had denied any wrongdoing and insists there is nobody else. We are in mc and have our first joint session next week. However, in the meantime, I cannot seem to get him to perform much at all since then, sort of a "dday" type of situation. I've lost 20 pounds in the past 3 months, but don't really have much more to lose. I keep up my appearance wearing sexy clothes, makeup and hair always done, lingerie, 36D medium build, etc. I know I'm not his "type" I'm a curvier blonde and he prefers stick thin ethnic types, but really even if I'm not his type I really don't see how he still couldn't be turned on to me? I get complements from strangers and I'm positive I could find a willing man in one try. 

Why did he marry me, who knows, anyway here we are. Our sex life now is minimal. He makes excuses, a few months ago saying he was sick, that lasted 2 months, now he's tired, that's been going on 6-8 weeks. His testosterone is low at 320, normal is 358, he's not overweight at all, 49 y.o. He hasn't made a urology appointment but sees a T doctor on Monday. Regular doctor wouldn't give an ED rx.

But what concerns me is that this was brought on suddenly when he was found leaving the house early, unaccounted morning whereabouts, women on LinkedIn some who live just a few miles from us - he did contact the single one who is 4 miles from us telling her to keep in touch - dh denies any wrongdoing of course. 

I can't figure it all out. Anyone have any insight?


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Hopefully you are not in the wrong room. Coping with infidelity. I recommend getting a voice activated recorder and put it in his car, a PI and investigate a little into his whereabouts and get the phone bills and check his texting records. Just hang back and let your suspicions see if there is anything to it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If he was low drive before... and now with all the turmoil, I doubt there is any way you can hit a switch and have him "turned on".

I'd relax a bit on the sexual expectations. let all this stuff sort out. If he is ED, it can be extremely devastating to a man. He may have just been desperate, trying to find ways to get an erection. There is a concern with potential cheating or emotional affair.

Definitely go to mc. After he goes to T doc, then discuss options with him. Say that you understand if he is under a great deal of stress,... that you can understand the ED, and you can both find ways to be active together and deal with the ED. Let him know, however, that you are concerned about a potential cheating. You do not condone it, and you want to talk about it in mc. Don't push for sex right now.

After he's seen the doc, and you know your marriage is secure, then you both can find ways to deal. Since it seems rather recent, it probably can be dealt with from medication. If it is stress induced, then it is most likely temporary. 

If he IS cheating, you don't want to get into sexual situation that you're open to getting someone elses STD headaches. Leave that one alone, and wait until things calm down and you know marriage is secure.

(IMO anyway)


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## Lonelyblonde (May 10, 2014)

I have tried to be very sleuth, have looked through all the text records, phone records, credit card bills, etc. Can't find much so far, but I need to go through 18 months worth. 

Yes, Chelle, I think you're right - backing off is a good idea. I'm just so horny though! ;P Ugh, that's so difficult. I've been putting off my own needs for months and dealing with every excuse in the book from him.
Yes, he's very aware that myself and the counselors do think his behavior is suspicious. I've consulted with one younger counselor, one older one, both males and a female. Has he tried to turn his behavior around? Well, in words only. He now told me the other day he's going on a week long business trip. Unbelievable. And at this time. He says he won't jeopardize his job.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Ouch. 

Yeah, definitely find out if he's just "searching" or active in cheating. Sorry about the frustration.

My hubs has never cheated, and I don't have the problems you do.. but he does have "denial" ED. He doesn't really want to go to doc & talk about it. We finally got one family doctor that I feel he would have been comfortable with, and bam.... That doc is going into training to be ER doc. So.. on to trying to find another family doctor. (3 times in about 5 years).

But, we just have to deal with the ED. Usually if I get frustrated, I wait for a day he is gone, and do web surfing for porn.. then go take care of it myself. Luckily, we have some toys he bought along the years. The most he can last now, is thru oral, and its very frustrating for him that he can't finish with me. It's even happend a couple times he can't finish with oral, and he looks about ready to cry. Then he gets a mad, and goes off somewhere. ED is not fun to deal with when only one person wants to confront it like a problem.


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