# Searching for the answers



## WhidbeyWifey (Feb 2, 2010)

So after reading this forum section I have come to realize you pretty much have to write a novel for people to understand why you are posting in this topic. So many apologizes for my following novel. 

I am 24 years old and have been married for the last 2 1/2 years to someone I have been with for 10 years. Yes that is not a typo I was 14 when we started dating. We have a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and those are the reason this topic is heart wrenching for me. I never wanted to be in this situation I always wanted to be happily married to the same man forever. 

our relationship was pretty much the typical high school romance. Off and on for 3 years until I found out I was pregnant i grew up so fast I had to and at the same time he didnt. I always told myself I never had to be with someone just because we had a child and I stood by the for 8 years until he asked me to marry him.

Here's the thing right after I had my daughter I found out he had cheated on me. I was young and it hurt. I then made a horrific decision out of spite and revenge and I too cheated on him, it was the worst feeling in the world. It wasn't me and I was wrong but my new mommy horomones kicked in and I messed up. We came to terms considering we both hurt each other and vowed to never do it again......I believed it. In the past 8 years he has been unfaithful to me with 6 different women all more then twice each. Those are just the ones I know about because one of them confessed to me that he told them he cheats on me all the time and it was no big deal. I forgive him each time and don't know why. This last time was right after our 2 year wedding anniversary. I probably would have never found out at all execpt that the woman he slept felt soo bad she told her HUSBAND...he made her tell me to my face. And yet here I am with him trying to decide if a divorce is whats going to make me happy. 

After I told him I wouldnt leave it was like it reverted back to before I found out. He doesnt talk to me, he never wants to spend time with me, and it just feels like he's thinking "oh she took me back I dont need to try anymore." I am broken. He doesn't support me emotionally or intimately. I am literally just sitting here waiting for the next woman to tell me shes sleeping with my husband.... I'm not happy anymore. I dont even know if I have to courage to tell him I want a divorce....I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid he'll be able to just move on with out even thinking about me and my kids. I guess in a way I am being selfish because I don't want to see him happily moving, I want him to realize losing me was the worst thing that could happen to him....I don't know. I'm confused I need help and I am not ready to confront my family with all this....anyone please help me.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Something that helped me to decide is when a counselor told me to throw in a towel. Her assessment was that if we were having good times between the bad times, then she felt it was salvagable.

If you were having good times between the 6 women he has had in a few years, maybe it would be salvagable. . . honestly, sometimes I think that is the case.

But I see a great risk to your health (STD's, if you two are still active, and emotional) if you stay and if you aren't happy between the infidelty, I'd advise you to divorce him. It sounds like he didn't want to get married and did it out of obligation or just the initial bonding you two had when you had sex at a young age. Sex can and does alter judgment.



> I'm afraid he'll be able to just move on with out even thinking about me and my kids. I guess in a way I am being selfish because I don't want to see him happily moving, I want him to realize losing me was the worst thing that could happen to him....I don't know. I'm confused I need help and I am not ready to confront my family with all this....anyone please help me.


As far as child support, just become duly informed. You never make out "ahead" with child support but you should be able to get something from him. And he should want to pay. His paycheck can be garnished if he's a deadbeat.

The consequences are clear if he fails to pay. . .he could go to jail.

As far as moving on without you and making him regret what he did for you. . .he needs to have a conscience, and that's not something you can really control. He may grow one or he may not.

Just know this is 2010 and just because you are a single woman with 2 kids doesn't mean you are "undatable", that no man would ever want you, you have the Scarlet Letter on you or somethhing. As a divorcing man, I can tell you that I want to settle with a woman with kids eventually and probalby have a blended family of sorts.

In fact, I find it often the reverse - women seem to avoid men with kids - don't want the baggage they say.

I don't know if I am addressing your hidden fears but I think you are imminent danger of a STD, again if you are active, and you should do what needs to be done to protect your health because your kids depend on you.

You should also provide a good model of what a marriage should be like to your children, instead of a bad model.

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

PS: Another point is that, and I know it's hard to comprehend from where you are sitting, in a way, you want him to move on happily without you.

I have realized that it's a good thing my stb-x is moving on first. . .all of the sudden she got 100% nicer. Before that, she was 100% unreasonable.

If he, even if he's an SOB like mine is a bonafide b**ch, moves and finds himself, he'll be more compliant with child support payments and visitation and spending time with his kids (hopefully. . .with men I understand it's a crap shoot but you can't really control that).

I know it's hard to think it's in your best self-interest but it is. You just have to take a leap of faith with this.

This doesn't mean you excuse him from his obligations to the kids, even if he doesn't have any to you post-divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is a serial cheater. You were both too young to get married. Your marriage is a mistake.

Separate and live apart, and start learning how to live as an adult on your own, so that you can learn who YOU are - not as a wife, or an appendage, but _yourself_. You will be doing your kids a favor by learning this. You will also teach them that cheating is not acceptable; if you don't, they will likely all grow up to cheat or be a doormat, just like their parents. Unless you stop the cycle.


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## WhidbeyWifey (Feb 2, 2010)

Thank you for all the help...

next issue I have is how do you break this sort of news to someone? I know he has no idea how I am feeling. I am very good at hiding how unhappy I am. I feel like he might take it as me blind siding him. Anyone have any experience let their spouse know it needs to be over?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write him a letter if you're afraid to face him.


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