# Looking for direction



## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Okay so i posted here a while ago about my wife having an EA with another guy back in November, since my last post i trawled back though some facebook messages between them and found more why i would call flirting and things of a sexual nature.
When i confronted her about them i threatened to leave and i even went to pack my bags which frightened her.
I demanded that if she really wanted our relationship to work then she must contact the guy and tell him how she felt. 
So she did this and she showed me the message, she told him that it was all a bit of "fun"( i aint laughing) and that she had no feelings for him and she let him know how hurt and damaging it had been to our marriage. He replied soon after also apologising for any hurt and admitted that he did not fancy her in that way and it was a bit of fun that had got out of hand.

So me and her sat down and she said she was willing to work on our marriage, we agreed that we never have any me and her time at nights, nor do we go out for meals together or infact do much at all together like we used to, i could count with my thumbs how many times a week we are both in the house together to have our dinner as a family as she works around my working hours.

So 4 weeks on and things are just the same, ive just been away for the past 3 days and return hoping that shes maybe had some thinking time and that i might get a bit of compassion from her but a peck and a quick cuddle (instigated by me) was all.

I am confused as to where to go with this next, i am considering the 180 method but think she is so numb right now she wouldnt even notice.
I do believe deep down she does want to save our marriage not only for us but for our two boys who we both love to bits.
I cannot go on like this and without feeling that closeness and connection in our relationship i cannot bring myself to trust her...i have told her this also but all i get is a 1000 yard stare!!!!!

Please give me direction....

Regards


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Longy said:


> I cannot go on like this and without feeling that closeness and connection in our relationship i cannot bring myself to trust her...i have told her this also but all i get is a 1000 yard stare!!!!!


Uh uh. She should be working with you to repair the damage she created in your marriage by way of her affairs. (You said "another EA" meaning plural, meaning she's done this more than one).

You need to tell her that you need "closeness and connection" and explain what that means exactly. 

As for the mistrust--you need to tell her what she needs to do to earn it back.

Ask her what you need to do in order to help the marriage too.

Marriage counselling is a great idea.


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

thanks for the reply, yes this is the second occasion that this has happened with the same guy ( 6 months apart), the first time was a few fantasy text messages about her and him kissing but nothing sexual - i believe this was the very first instance this happened. The second was a facebook chat back in April which was more of a sexual nature but didnt suggest anything physical was happening. She says nothing physical has or would happen and it was a bit of fun which got out of hand and i do believe her.

I am calling this an EA but i suppose it was two isolated occurences but dont wanna fool myself into thinking there isnt a problem.

We do need to sit down and talk about this but i find it hard as i feel so committed to making this right but feel a sense of coldness and lack of dedication from her side.
This makes me feel awkward to bring it up....

If i dont bring it up, try to be happy around her, show very little interest in what she does and give myself more "me time" then maybe this is the answer...aka 180.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Okay, I had to look at your other thread to get the full story. Perhaps this time you will post on the thread and not disappear.



Longy said:


> Okay so i posted here a while ago about my wife having an EA with another guy back in November, since my last post i trawled back though some facebook messages between them and found more why i would call flirting and things of a sexual nature.
> When i confronted her about them i threatened to leave and i even went to pack my bags which frightened her.
> I demanded that if she really wanted our relationship to work then she must contact the guy and tell him how she felt.
> So she did this and she showed me the message, she told him that it was all a bit of "fun"( i aint laughing) and that she had no feelings for him and she let him know how hurt and damaging it had been to our marriage. He replied soon after also apologising for any hurt and admitted that he did not fancy her in that way and it was a bit of fun that had got out of hand.


Why is it in this thread you say it was just FB flirting? In your other thread you said:



Longy said:


> All was sweet up until November last year when i came home from nightshift and found her mobile beside the kettle...so i had a glance and there was some texts to a lad who is "just a friend" who had been round that night but the texts never suggested anything happened.


So the OM actually came to your residence and just left before you got home. Do you think he went to your home to play chess? Of course not. He went there to bang your wife while you were at work, and she invited him over with the intention of spreading her legs for him. Think about it. How many times has he been in your house while you were working nights for the last 5 years? The texts may not suggest anything happened, but you dont know that for sure. Did the texts show he was coming over? She said that nothing happened and you believe her. Just like that. You took her word for it instead of following up and investigating. Which is why you're back here asking for direction. Her attitude and actions show that she's most likely still in the affair and that its underground.



Longy said:


> So me and her sat down and she said she was willing to work on our marriage, we agreed that we never have any me and her time at nights, nor do we go out for meals together or infact do much at all together like we used to, i could count with my thumbs how many times a week we are both in the house together to have our dinner as a family as she works around my working hours.


From your other thread:



Longy said:


> Since January we have had proper sex about twice but if im honest sex is not the main issue here, i changed job in march and now work 8-5 mon-fri and things seemed steadier but she doesnt seem happy.


So you are able to change jobs where you don't work nightshift, so she responds by withdrawing from you sexually and being unhappy. How is she working on the marriage then? Withdrawing sexually and emtionally from you are two big red flags of an affair. Since you caught her with the phone last time, most likely she has a separate affair phone now. This lends more credence that the A is underground now. Since you changed your hours, it probably also means that her OM is not able to see her as often. Because when you were working nights, he could stay as long as he wanted to and leave before you got home.



Longy said:


> So 4 weeks on and things are just the same, ive just been away for the past 3 days and return hoping that shes maybe had some thinking time and that i might get a bit of compassion from her but a peck and a quick cuddle (instigated by me) was all.


That's because she's in the affair fog. She's not thinking of you. Her mind is on the OM.



Longy said:


> I am confused as to where to go with this next, i am considering the 180 method but think she is so numb right now she wouldnt even notice.


Like so many others, the 180 is not a tool to manipulate your wife back into the marriage. It is a detachment tool that helps you detach emotionally from her and help strengthen you emotionally. A side effect is to make you more attractive and show you are ready to move on without her. But thats not the main purpose. You need to do the 180 immediately. By your text here, it seems you might be in the UK, where you have to separate for a year first before divorce. 



Longy said:


> I do believe deep down she does want to save our marriage not only for us but for our two boys who we both love to bits.
> I cannot go on like this and without feeling that closeness and connection in our relationship i cannot bring myself to trust her...i have told her this also but all i get is a 1000 yard stare!!!!!
> 
> Please give me direction....
> ...


Again, she is in the affair fog, thats why she's acting like that. At this point, she is only concerned with her feelings toward the OM. You need to do some investigating so that you can have positive proof before confrontation so that she cannot deny, gaslight, or TT you. Once you have your evidence, then you need to show her the consequences.

You say she is afraid of you leaving, right? What this says is she wants to have the security of marriage, yet play around with her OM. You need to tell her that you will not share her and that you are not her second option. Then once you have your confrontation, you need to set some boundaries and requirements for Reconciliation (R).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why was she still talking to him after the first time? Therein the problem lies. She didn't respect you enough to end contact.

If you feel too awkward to bring up your hurts/fears/wants/need, then you have no marriage.

Sweeping an issue under the rug because it makes you feel uncomfortable is the worst thing you could do. doesn't get rid of the problem, just hides it until you totally resent her and end up exploding. 

Marriage is a partnership that takes committment from BOTH ends. If one person won't do the work, you have nothing.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Longy,

Please see steelers post on "Dont know what to do". In it you will find my post back to him about my situation. You need to use the 180 method. If you still want her even after all the things you have learned, then everyone here is correct. It is not you that needs to fix things she needs to learn what it is she is missing out on in you.

She needs to find out why she has done the things she did, You may want to recomend counsiling to her if she starts to turn back round to you for her needs and wants. 

Like I replyd to steeler I will tell you as well - if things can work out between the two of you be prepared for some things to be different. But also be prepared if they dont. The main ? you have to ask is are we happy together and do we make one another happy? this is the most important thing in any relationship.

I hope it isnt distastful to post on these topics as seeing as Im the one that did the betraying no matter how far away the other man was, but I hope I can just add a little insight as to how it was for me and possibly show others where it was I went wrong so hopfully others do not make my same mistakes. Please read the post as you will see steeler has the same problem you do, perhaps the both of you could talk and see how the other is dealing with this issue. It may help, I dont know but just know you are not the only one with this issue.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Longy, your marriage situation sounded, in general, a lot like mine, can't count the number of times we've actually sat down to eat a meal at home together. I sorta do all the cooking, but she would never touch it and then eat it as leftovers the next day for lunch. We worked different schedules, I'm daytime she was afternoon/evening but then after work her social life begins, so she usually wasn't home until after midnight. Until near the end of the relationship I've never suspected any infidelity, because I could easily see changes in her around the time it started or atleast became serious, plus I think it was all in another city several hours away.

The thing I'm realizing reading this thread, is how busy we both are, we could never make time for each other, but I was always home trying to take care of stuff, then would escape to the tv or computer while she was out. If she couldn't make time for her family how did she make time for multiple PA's with men in other cities? I'm starting to question just how long this has all been happening, I know I let the stage be set, I enabled this to happen, long ago just had blind trust which she obviously had no honor for.

It sucks, make sure you know what you are getting into before even considering offering her the gift of R.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Have you ever given her ANY KIND OF BOUNDARIES WITH ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES----or is everything just talk, with nothing behind it

She is probably playing around, having sex, and in an obsessive state about this guy, cuz the hot passion, and lust have kicked in

You are there somewhere in the backround of her brain---she knows it's all wrong, she knows she is probably wrecking everyone's life, but there is nothing forcing her to stop, and she certainly isn't gonna stop of her own accord.

She is obviously scared of you leaving, as was said above---but again its all been just talk---nothing actionable

If you don't wanna see an atty., but wanna wake her up---go to the closest courthouse, and get a DIVORCE PACKET----leave it somewhere in the house where she will find it-----I promise you that will wake her up

Also you need to make sure she goes NC, send it by E-Mail, in fact you can send it----this way she can't set something up with him, to ignore it, such as she is sending it only to appease you

Contact his wife---she can be an ally in defusing this mess

Also---she needs to be off all social websites, completely, and off of her phone except for business calls, and family related calls

At this point she goes nowhere without you or the kids with her. There has to be accountability for what she is doing----


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

My first reaction is WOW!, i suppose i may be playing the extent of the EA down a little. 

I do believe she has never had sex with him and that she does not want me to leave. I am still unsure if she is in contact with him but i had asked her last week and she said she hasnt as he works offshore most of the time. 

I think i will try and discuss with her tonight and lay it down on the line cos nothing has changed in the past few weeks.

Its so difficult to be strong when there is kids involved, if its was just me and her i would probably dissapear for a while but when the kids are here i cannot detach myself from them.

Its a blooming mess, i will try to reason with her but if the response i get is cold tonight then i will be trying the 180.

Thanks All!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Longy, I whether its EA or PA, the damage it does to the trust is the same and the consequences it has on the marriage is similar. I think a lot of people are jumping to conclusion it is physical, for the reasons mayhem elaborated on.

You are right not to detach yourself from your children, and it does require more strength to work through this. For me that was part of the anger I have towards my W, that no matter if she leaves to have A or stays and wants to truly reconcile, it will be the same amount of work for me, and even though I was on autopilot before, I was still capable of dong the work necessary to repair the marriage before she decided to sleep around, I just wanted her to acknowledge it but she is in the fog now.

Part of me wants her to just stay in the fog so I don't have to deal with her pain when/if she ever comprehends what she's done to me and our son. But also I know that she's probably not the best mother unless she can be whole again, so for the sake of our child I do hope she gets her act together. She is really good at faking it, it seems - even though that was one thing she said she didn't want to do with me any longer, faking it until making it... but, REALLY? she's NEVER been happy? bull, I know what happiness looks like and we used to have it.

Argh. You are right its a blooming mess. Stay strong, it hurts and there is no escaping that, but accept it and try to move along and do what you need to do.


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Cheers Lon, you are sound and i hope your situtation works out. Being consistantly strong i think is the key here, big showdown tonight anyway, i will repost on this once the convo has been had.

Cheers again all.

Longy


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey L---it doesn't matter whether its EA or PA---bottom line its inappropriate contact for a married woman to be involved in

You doing a 180 won't get you all that you need-----there has to be some accountability of her part, and consequences, boundaries must be set in, and NC established


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Well I sat down with wife tonight, she says we are getting on better but she still doesn't feel as close as we used to be. I said I wasn't gonna wait forever for her feelings to grow. I said that she hasnt had sex, cuddled or even really kissed me in 6 months and I said I cannot live our marriage like that. I said that the day she feels that she is in love with me is the day that I decide to walk. She was shocked at this as this is the first time I have put it in this way. I told her that a man needs sex and compassion and after 6 months of me doing all the mileage already my feelings are starting to fade a little and am now thinking why should I be trying.

I finished what I had to say and then said I'm away to bed, she followed me up, gave me a cuddle kiss and said that she really wants to make this work....I said I hope so!

We will see what happens in the next week or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Have you put in any boundaries

Your R, will not make it, for any great length of time, unless she gets boundaries and follows them

No more facebook, no more social websites, no more cell contacts of any type

She has to agree to and honor your boundaries, also make sure she knows the consequences, that any violation of these boundaries, will end this mge

Sad to say, but you cannot be nice about this---If you wanna stay, this whole accountability, boundary, consequences thing is deadly serious


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JNJ is right.

A boundary without a consequence is not a boundary.


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