# New Relationships and Ex In-laws



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

Hello,

I have been divorced three years now after my wife cheated on me after our daughter was born. I went to counseling etc and gave myself time to heal before dating again. The reason I am here to day is I started dating someone about 8 months ago that turn into a serious relation. The past weekend we got into a big argument because the dentist I go to is the one my ex-mother in-law works at. She has an issue with me still talking to my X's family because her former in-laws stabbed her in the back. Am I in the wrong to still consider my ex in-laws family? We always had a good relationship and only see each other a few time a year events that my daughter is at.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You aren't wrong. You are entitled to have the family relationships you want with the people that have value in your life, even ex in-laws. The question I have is why does she think she gets to dictate that.


----------



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

I was wondering the same thing. I found it to be very controlling.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your girlfriend is insecure, this issue could just be the tip of the ice berg. Honestly because you have a kid I would encourage you to maintain some sort of relationship with the ex in laws, but I'm not insecure.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BulletBoy said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been divorced three years now after my wife cheated on me after our daughter was born. I went to counseling etc and gave myself time to heal before dating again. The reason I am here to day is I started dating someone about 8 months ago that turn into a serious relation. The past weekend we got into a big argument because the dentist I go to is the one my ex-mother in-law works at. She has an issue with me still talking to my X's family because her former in-laws stabbed her in the back. Am I in the wrong to still consider my ex in-laws family? We always had a good relationship and only see each other a few time a year events that my daughter is at.


This a distraction, there are other problems.

What did you say when you argued with her?

What did she say, when she argued with you?


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

A girlfriend of 8 months have no business telling you to cut ties with your ex-in-laws. To your daughter, these are still her grand-parents. She is totally out of line.

She is extremely insecure and have boundary issues. I would be very careful with this one. Don't involve her with your daughter.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your daughter's presence in your life is going to dictate that your ex-in-laws are in most respects, going to continue to be your family!

That being said, you do anything and everything to help insure that your family relations do not go awry! 

If your new lover cannot come to grips with that, then there are a few more fish swimming around in the sea!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You might want to do some reading. This book should help you deal with your situation and others like it. 

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400


----------



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there. 

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family. 

That is the clift notes version.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

BulletBoy said:


> I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.
> 
> She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.
> 
> That is the clift notes version.


 What a pathetically ridiculous thing for her to say. What's the hidden agenda? To slowly loosen your teeth so they eventually fall out? It's not like you will be having ultra personal conversations with your ex MIL, you're at a place of business where there are numerous other people around, and part of them have their hands in your mouth. How much can you say?

Your girlfriend is afraid any contact with the ex's family could possibly lead to reconciliation. She probably is also afraid some day she may have to meet them and she will be compared against your ex. Tell her you would have a lot more respect for her if she would just admit the truth instead of fabricating some evil agenda scenario. Very childish on her part.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BulletBoy said:


> I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.
> 
> She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.
> 
> That is the clift notes version.


This is why arguments get nowhere. You are going to be arguing with something that sounds like Alex Jones is saying. Women have to be talked to different, otherwise you'll never get to the bottom of it and stay connected. If you argue with these thoughts of hers, you will lose no matter what.

#1 Just have her explain her position, no matter how crazy you might think it is. 

#2 Begin introducing your position, and prompt to see her side again.

You have to get her to see your logic, but it has to stem from her first. You also want her to explain that (like Cooper said) she has some fears of reconciliation, etc. Once she tells you that, you are golden. Until she feels safe enough to tell you the source of her concerns, this problem won't have a chance to be resolved. When her fears are on the table, you both can have a sincere conversation.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

BulletBoy said:


> I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.
> 
> She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. *That she must not be family if they were considered family*.
> 
> That is the clift notes version.


She isn't family, she's your GF. 

If I were in your shoes I'd have a very direct conversation that establishes boundaries with what I'd tolerate in this avenue. It would go something like - Hey GF, I really like you but for this relationship to work you need to understand that there are things I will not compromise on. One of those is family and my relationship with them. I consider my kids grandparents to be family and because they are important in my kid's life they are important in my life too. I hope you can respect this. But if you insist on making me choose, then you need to understand that we have different priorities and this relationship will not work between us. 

Then tell her to go think about it and contact you in a day or two with her decision. If she tries to pull you into an argument, just insist you said what you needed to say and that she needs to be on her own to think about it. 

In a worst case scenario you two break up and you realize she isn't a good match for you. But at least then you did it on your terms.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

BulletBoy said:


> I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.
> 
> She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.
> 
> That is the clift notes version.


This seems almost paranoid. Just because she had a bad experience with ex's family doesn't mean they all have to be that way. I would suggest giving her examples of why your ex's family has earned your trust. I would also be worried about how other past experiences that have gone bad for her would effect your relationship with her. It seems that once someone gets on her bad side they never get off. Maybe try to explore why she is so negative about her ex's family...maybe some of her feelings are justified.


----------



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)




----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BulletBoy said:


> We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.


Bingo. So it is very clear that her original stated position has nothing to do with ......... anything. The problem is her past trauma. If we battle with her on whether or not you can see ex-in laws, then you both will lose. If you try to force your case on her, it will do nada to change her past traumas affecting the present.

If you see her as childish, rude, controlling, mean or bad, then it will only hold you back. She is a victim. Empathize with her! Wouldn't physical abuse and traumatic manipulation have a lasting effect on you?

"But that doesn't excuse.........."

You got into a relationship with someone that was formerly abused...... this is the norm. If she becomes the bad guy, then her mind will permanently fix her ex's face onto yours.

This is my "masks" theory, in a nut shell. A similar theory is David Richo's "transferences". It is a psychological reality and it is not like she wishes this trauma on herself. She still has 100% responsibility for what she does in the present moment, but you can greatly help the situation.


This will continue to be a problem for her. It is going to take more than you reasoning with her...... I guarantee it; Psychology says so. There will be other instances that compromise her present self, due to past traumas. It will take you more willpower to be romantically involved with the formerly abused. That is the question you have to ask yourself. Do you have that willpower? Will you learn the skills to be able to handle her when the former abuse strikes her, psychologically?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't believe her reasons, that's just me. Think she just doesn't like you having anything to do with your ex's family and she's trying to find a convincing reason for you.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

BulletBoy said:


> We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.


She has to realize that you have a daughter which is still tied to your ex's family and, like it or not, they are tied to you. Perhaps she can't deal with or has little experience with being involved in a blended family situation. Give her some time, but if she still can't deal with it, it's probably best to find some one else. If you ignore things like this in a relationship they can really be a problem later on.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Very nicely laid out @Relationship Teacher... and once her fear and insecurity subsides and is replaced with trust, that combined with love with find a most loyal and steadfast partner. The biggest question is, do you love her enough to continue to see her strengths?

We are all flawed... perhaps she is present in your life to help you though yours? Relationship doors open and close for many reasons in our lives.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm just curious, what are you x in-laws view of your divorce? I assume they don't hold a grudge or think you were in the wrong since your wife cheated on you. What is their relationship with your x-wife? I know it's their daughter, but are they close? Do they think she's a nut for doing what she did?


----------



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

They supported me and my choice to divorce since their daughter had no intentions of trying to work anything out and left. 

My X is somewhat close to her Dad and step-mom. Her mom lives about 10 hours away so they don't see each other very often anymore. 

Her whole family thought she was an idiot for doing what she did and it broke their hearts. At least that is what they told me and I saw her Dad break down and cry over it.


----------



## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

BulletBoy said:


> We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.


In my opinion and from my own experience it will get worse by time.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BB,

Provided you ex In-laws did not support the affair, or try to reconnect you with your ex and you have no contact with your ex you are justified in maintaining contact with the in-laws for your childrens sake.

There is always the danger however that your ex will try to use you she has destroyed her other options. In that sense your GF is correct.

Tamat


----------



## BulletBoy (Aug 2, 2016)

SteveBo said:


> In my opinion and from my own experience it will get worse by time.


Like put the covers over her head while you try to talk to her about the current problem and try to figure things out.


----------



## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Your girlfriend's insecurities are showing up in this instance and while she might accept your position on this one it's only a matter of time before the next "crisis".

No point in arguing with her over these things, it's your decision and what you need to do is state your position and make it clear that's how it's going to be and she can take it or leave it.


----------

