# Not sure what to do. I love my wife



## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

My wife and I are going though some hard times and I don't know what to do. We moved to AZ from Ohio 1 year ago due to my company going out of business. I was transfered here with a full relo package. My wife went back home to be with her Dad who was ill, when she came back she now misses home and she is very unhappy here. She told me that she wants to separate, that we are just living like roomates. 

We have 3 kids, 3,6,16. all girls. The 16 years old is my step daughter. My wife runs here own clothing business which has put us in debt way over our head. She is a stay at home Mom. She has run her business for 6 years when we had our first daughter. Since we moved her business has showed signs of hope, but it has put up further and further into debt. 

She is a hard working woman that regrets not spending full time into her business. She is a great Mom that feels a great responsibility to me, and our kids. She has a lot on her plate. I work 40 hours a week and I support her by taking off work when I can to watch the kids. (We cannot afford day care). She has since lost her father who she was not that close to. So now she has to deal with that. On top of everything else. A 16yr old daughter, 6 yr old daughter, and 3 year old daughter, a business that is failing because she cannot devote all of her time too, and a place she does not want to live anymore. This along with financial issues. I want our marriage to survive this but I do not know what to do.

Thanks


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Why are you living like roomates?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First you need to communicate to find out what the real issues are. Does she want to go home because she feels guilty or insecure? Has she tried telling you that she wants to move only to have you protest? Have you seen a feesable way to move?

If you work 40 hours why can't you let her do her business for 60?

draconis


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

I have been supporting my wife in her business quest for the past 6 years. I take care of the kids as soon as I come home from work and on the weekends. My wife and I simply do not have any time to our selves. My wifes business has put a tremendous strain on our relationship and finances. So when you add it all up we have a the main problems that lead to divorce. I am a good father and husband. I do not drink, smoke, go out. I am 100% devoted to my family. I talked to my wife about going back to basics, selling the business, reducing our debt, moving back home, but she is very unhappy. I am afraid she may leave me in her quest for happiness. She tells me that the problem is not me. I wish she could understand that it might be her business that could be the problem.


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

I am not sure. She will not open up to me. I just want to give her time to think and figure it out. I hope she does not make a big mistake.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am so sorry to here this. I've recently and still am going through a similar issue. My husband pulled away from me and was not happy....in fact it just came out that he'd had an affair. It was devastating. I even threw him out and changed the locks. But in the end he asked for forgiveness and committed to fixing what was broken. We just started counseling and one thing I am finding is that finances are one of the issues. We own a business too, its profitable but it goes through highs and lows. Its his business, but I run the books and other back office things while working full time. Its a pretty complicated issue but the stress of this was one thing that put a strain on our marriage. Our therapist pegged him day one, he does not like to deal with things. Anyway, you can't do that, one day all that adds up and explodes. It sounds like your wife has multiple issues, 1) home sick 2) father passing away while she was living here 3) AZ is not for everyone some really don't like it 4) financial stress. My only suggestion is to ask her to open up to you just tell you anything and everything that makes her unhappy (beware this is tough! Having just gone through it, can't have an ego here)...then see what can be done together. As for your job, any chance of transferring or finding a new one? If she knows you are trying to move back to OH maybe she will be patient. You also need to find a way to spend time together. I know you can't afford daycare, but what if you find another couple who has same issue and you trade off watching kids? Can your 16 year old also help out sometimes. I've been with my husband for 22 years we forgot how to date each other. One thing he said is the passion and intensity was a lot less. We started dating again, just Friday night we had probably the best time we ever have had. He no longer things the passion an intensity is not there. He had to work on communication and we had to work on spending time with just us. In fact you should try to go out on a date with your wife once a week. It doesn't have to be expensive....a picnic in the park could be very romantic.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

AZ_Nick-

Personally, I would not stay in a bad marriage if the other partner refused to explore sorting it out. I am only interested in making happy music. No point in deliberate sadness. Even the kids don't benefit.

So I would ask her point blank, do you want a chance to look at this and see if we can sort it out and be happy together. If she says no, she would rather separate, then if it were me, I would willingly grant her that wish.

If she says yes, then tell her everything is up for grabs. Meaning there can be no "sacred cows", everything must be up for discussion.

If she leaves you, she will soon find out how much you were doing for her. All that babysitting etc. If you separate, you should not allow her to use you as an unpaid babysitter. You have made life as easy as you can for her, and still she is not happy. You might just have to give her a chance to feel the vacuum that your absence form the situation will create.

I don't know her, but I suspect she will be calling you after a few weeks...

You need to also decide what is acceptable in a marriage for you to be content. How much time you want together, how much sex etc.

For me, the minimum sex is twice per week - 4 or 5 times is preferred. And I like to spend time with my wife. So if the only time we had together was in bed at the end of an exhausting day *sleeping*, it would be a no go for me. 

There are plenty of things I will negotiate on, but I have my bottom lines that I will not go below - just like a business deal. After all, either party can walk away if they don't like it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh yeah, will somebody please explain to me what or where AZ is, I am from the UK!



> 3) AZ is not for everyone some really don't like it


Please explain that as well...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MT...Arizona


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> AZ_Nick-
> 
> Personally, I would not stay in a bad marriage if the other partner refused to explore sorting it out. I am only interested in making happy music. No point in deliberate sadness. Even the kids don't benefit.
> 
> ...


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

She tells me that it was nothing that I did. We have just been living together with no spark. I am the one who always shares my emotions with her, I have to get them out of her all the time. I know she is frustrated with her business, and the kids but she has a lot of pride. I do not think she has cheated on me, shes not that way. I have been very loyal as well. I do not have any friends, I work, come home, and spend time with my wife and kids. Thats it. My wife and I do everything together with the kids. I think that is one of the problems. But she does not want to open it for discussion. She is my best friend, and thats what hurts the most. It like you and living your life, tackling issues together, doing what a good husband does and all of the sudden she wants to separate. I guess I got to give her what she wants. It just don't make sense. I thought couples are suppose to solve their problems together.


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

She is really a good Mom, and her family comes first. I think thats the problem with her and her business. She could not devote the time to her business, and be a good mom. I my opinion she made the right choices with our kids, but now that the business is in the state of disrepair she feels "not happy". I just dont understand why she has to push me away to find her happiness.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i dont think you did n e thing either. this is just your wife . unfortunately she is on her own path.


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

Thanks justean. I guess i will give her her space. She said she still wants to live in the same house, so I guess it could be worse. But I know that has its problems as well.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi Mark Twain,

I too am from AZ (Arizona) so let me describe for you....the hottest place in the United States where we can boil eggs on the sidewalk in the summertime! 



MarkTwain said:


> Oh yeah, will somebody please explain to me what or where AZ is, I am from the UK!
> 
> 
> Please explain that as well...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My husband bottled up every emotion until it just got the better of him and he considered getting out. When I'd had enough and he was faced with the end it wasn't what he wanted so now we are working through it. We also did nothing but work and spend time with our kids and we are best friends. We learned though that we were not doing what was best for us all. We need that break from our kids. We love them dearly but the small breaks we take for each other have rekindled our relationship. My husband wasn't open to talking about it or trying anything either but he did come around. I hope your wife will too. 



AZ_Nick said:


> She tells me that it was nothing that I did. We have just been living together with no spark. I am the one who always shares my emotions with her, I have to get them out of her all the time. I know she is frustrated with her business, and the kids but she has a lot of pride. I do not think she has cheated on me, shes not that way. I have been very loyal as well. I do not have any friends, I work, come home, and spend time with my wife and kids. Thats it. My wife and I do everything together with the kids. I think that is one of the problems. But she does not want to open it for discussion. She is my best friend, and thats what hurts the most. It like you and living your life, tackling issues together, doing what a good husband does and all of the sudden she wants to separate. I guess I got to give her what she wants. It just don't make sense. I thought couples are suppose to solve their problems together.


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