# Why I Am Here



## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Hi everyone,

As you can see, I originally signed up here in May of last year. Recounting everything would be a huge wall of text, so I'm just going to recount the last year, and will fill in details if anyone asks about them. This site has been a real resource for me, even though I only started posting recently, other than one back in July. Let me also say I did just about every thing wrong that you can, but have finally come around.

Around March of last year, I had to go back home to help my mom take care of my grandmother, who had fallen, hit her head, and was placed in hospice. While there, I discover my wife had signed up on Plenty of Fish, a meat market dating site. I lose it, demand I get the login and password, and I'm looking at this while she's on the phone. She deletes the account before I see everything. She was bringing the kids out for Spring Break, so we'll deal with it then. It's then I see the mountain of text messages. You all know the story - "It's just harmless, we're just talking about tattoos, yada yada yada". So, she gets there. And she keeps texting the guys while she's there. It keeps up, and I'm just too worn down to deal with it there. I mean I'm watching my grandmother die and this crap is going on.

We have to drive back together, but as the kids are in the car, you can't really talk about it. We get back, she agrees to stop, but never really admits it was really bad - I was ignoring her, so I drove her to it. But she agrees to stop, and we decide to work on it. She was also angry that I had said she needed to get a job, as we needed the money, and she obviously had too much time on her hands, and the kids are teenagers so she doesn't need to stay at home. So, summer begins, and we're getting along better. Then I find an email where she had told one of the guys - he's in Utah and the never met - that she had fallen for him, and I had found explicit text, though no pictures. And here's where I didn't follow the sage advice here and just said don't do that anymore. This pattern - not the explicit stuff, but continued contact - continued for months, with her refusing to admit there was anything really wrong with it, because it wasn't physical. She simply does not believe EAs exist, and of course, I'm prying and don't trust her.

So, this goes on, off and on until February. I tell her then, once more, and I'm ending this. Of course, she doesn't believe that. Why should she, as I've been a freaking Milquetoast this entire time. So, two days later, I see another one. I tell her to get out of the bedroom, and we've been on a 180 since then. So last month, I see she contacts a couple of the guys from the original stuff in May, including the one she fell for. That's when I sent them the text I referenced in another post, telling them to arm wrestle to decide who gets her, then come pack up her sh1t and take her. I then made appointments for attorneys, found one I liked, picked one, retained her, and they will have papers ready on Friday. She suspects something is up, but I haven't actually announced I'm filing. I don't know how she will react. I know now that she has many symptoms of BPD, or should say I've known that since this whole thing started and I signed up here.

I feel like post is too long as it is. There's the whole back story of course. I just want to say that this forum was a real help for me, even though I didn't have the strength to do what everyone said needed to be done until recently. Better late than never. Thanks for your time, and if anyone has questions I'll be more than happy to answer.

DPR


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry you are in this mess. 

Are you using the petition as a "wakeup call" or are you well and truly done? 

What contingency plans have you made regarding the kids, finances, lodging, etc? You can't afford to be seen as wildly flying off the handle only to take her back with the same ol' same ol' warnings.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I read your other thread and this one. So right under your nose she is looking fir other men. Looks like she has been laying the the foundation for a classic exit affair. 

Have you explicitly warned her that continuing to sext other men was intolerable for you and that if she continued you would divorce her?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

A fellow white knight who married a princess. 

We sure can pick the borderline personality types huh? Going by her narrative, my fww started messing around when she also had to work. 

(I guess a 12 year vacation isn't enough for them) 

I haven't read your other post, but i'm going to assume because she needed to work money was good before. Something happened (new job, laid off whatever) and she needed to pitch in? 

I think these women only want us for security, and when that is threatened they start to look for another "sugar daddy". 

After all, they are a princess and they deserve "attention", and "having all their needs met" (never mind youre working 50 hours a week and can barely crawl out of bed in the morning while they're sexting their oms) 

Based on what i read your ww, like mine, was a certain kind of person. Spoiled brat. 

Have you read no more mr nice guy? Married man sex life? 

Expose. file papers. start going out and reconnecting with old friends. Flirt with other women (it'll help build up your confidence.) 

If you already read no more mr nice guy, you need to read it a second and third time. For you to put up with this this long is a tragedy. 

Stand up for yourself. Aren't you worth sticking up for? And don't bet on no PAs. You're watching the sexting but ONS can happen on girls night out, or a cute guy at the hair salon. 

She can be talking to 10 different guys and still banging one. Look out for left field is all im saying.

You've threatened action so many times, and done so little the threats are unbelievable. 

Be like thor and bring the hammer down.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I also would like to know what your desire is here. Do you want to R, or are you done?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Papers will be ready on Friday ? Then have her served that day if possible or the very next day possible. DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS ! If you cave, re-read your post and know this is your life from now to old age.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Sorry you are in this mess.
> 
> Are you using the petition as a "wakeup call" or are you well and truly done?
> 
> What contingency plans have you made regarding the kids, finances, lodging, etc? You can't afford to be seen as wildly flying off the handle only to take her back with the same ol' same ol' warnings.


Nope, this is it. I'm finished. Finances, the bank accounts have been separated for a while. The divorce is very straightforward. The house is a rental, no savings, 401K, retirement, etc. to fight over. Custody is joint in Nevada with a high burden of proof otherwise. Alimony will be the sticker, as she has been voluntarily unemployed since the kids were born, and has a GED. She's also going to freak about not having insurance, as there is always something wrong with her and her prescription bill is ridiculous. I've been looking at places to stay. My attorney actually thinks a mutual agreement is possible, but I'm not confident. Either way, it's happening



Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Have you explicitly warned her that continuing to sext other men was intolerable for you and that if she continued you would divorce her?


I did in February, but since I'd done that before, she just ignored it. I think that last text I send did shake her up, though.



Hope1964 said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
> 
> I also would like to know what your desire is here. Do you want to R, or are you done?


No R here. I don't care what her reaction is, or what she says or does.



barbados said:


> Papers will be ready on Friday ? Then have her served that day if possible or the very next day possible. DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS ! If you cave, re-read your post and know this is your life from now to old age.


Barbados, I'm not, don't worry. The appointment to go over the papers is Friday afternoon, though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are here for you, no matter what happens.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Awake,

Most of that sounds similar, yep. Although, the job thing was just because we were always short of money at the end of the month, and she was always saying she or the girls needed something. So it became, "Then get a job and help out". For someone who always claims her kids are the most important thing, it's something she could never manage to do.

I did read Mr. Nice Guy back in May. And yes, I know I failed that deal. However, I will say that I've been doing my own thing for months - since November, which is about the time we stopped sleeping together - in that I come and go as I please, see my friends, go out for beers, cut her weekly allowance to just enough for food, necessities and gas, etc. She never tried to apologize.  It is always because I didn't give her attention and she found it online. And she says that's all it is. The standard, pat answer.

I don't think there was a PA, but who knows, really, and at this point I don't care. She never left the house or did things on the weekends unless she was taking the kids with her. Which leaves the daytime after she dropped them off, of course. Never know for sure.

DPR


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry that things have turned out the way they have for you. Some cheaters just never stop despite being given chance after chance. 

You are on the right path.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Dread Pirate Roberts said:


> Awake,
> 
> Most of that sounds similar, yep. Although, the job thing was just because we were always short of money at the end of the month, and she was always saying she or the girls needed something. So it became, "Then get a job and help out". For someone who always claims her kids are the most important thing, it's something she could never manage to do.
> 
> ...


I've come to the conclusion that I don't care why they did it. Like you I received the "i wanted to feel special" (TM) generic answer. 

There probably was a PA. Truthfully? Even when there's a PA there's probably more. 

The chances of it always being more than what they admit is close enough to 100% to put your bets on it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

She is addicted to betraying. 

You were very patient and gave her every chance to turn herself around. And she refused as her addiction is too strong.

I like the email you sent her lover. 

Sorry to see it come to this, but you have done the right thing.

AND DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Kids are teenagers - I assume you've been married about 15 years.

This started up about a year ago.

What happened before a year ago? Any other men in her life before this past year or so?


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Like your name!!! Sorry you are here it is bad to become a member of this club but there are folks here who offer great help. You are doing the right thing, be strong and be ready for the title wave of bs coming when she gets the papers. But then again she may not even care. Just be ready either way. You are not to blame she needs take care of her own bs. Stay strong.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Kids are teenagers - I assume you've been married about 15 years.
> 
> This started up about a year ago.
> 
> What happened before a year ago? Any other men in her life before this past year or so?


Ah, the second wall o' text. It's been a difficult relationship for a long time. But, as to what specifically preceded, here's the Reader's Digest version. And yes, married 14 years, together for 20.

Moved to Vegas in August of 2010. Relo to main office of my company. She was keen on it, convinced it would be a new start. I said all our current relationship baggage would be hauled along with the furniture. So, for the first maybe 6 months things were OK. Then she had the falling out with our one couple friend. One thing I did differently here is that before we moved, I would rarely go out after work, because it would cause such a big fight. Here, I said to hell with that, I'm going for beers with the guys, going to people houses, etc. So, that was the first confrontation. Basically, her attitude was that I had to give her all the attention she needed, then hang with friends. MAYBE. I told her all she was doing is making me not want to spend time with her at all. And, I was working 50+ hours a week, every week. Still do, actually. So, anyway relationship is deteriorating. And then I do something really stupid. I get arrested for DUI. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. She wouldn't pick me up from the jailhouse - the family friends (still to me, that is) picked me up. Got home, went to lie down and she said she couldn't believe I could do this to her, and she wanted to part of me. Not divorce, just not being around me. So I said fine and went to another bedroom. I got myself straightened out, began running and eating better, lost 30 lbs. and was just doing my own thing. We weren't really talking except about the kids, or her asking for money. I was also having to travel to our OK office, as my person (I'm the IT director) there had found another job, and there was no coverage. This is in November 2011. So, she had been taking diet pills to lose weight and not eating, so the night before one of my trips she gets up off her bed, passes out, and runs into the bedroom door, which after taking her to Urgent Care, we find out it's a broken toe. They wrap it up - what else do you do with that - and as I do all the shopping, she didn't have to do anything except pick up and take the kids to school. But she says I abandoned her in a time of need. After I get back, she's gone to a specialist, and he says she has ligament damage and it needs to be operated on. I'm still shuttling between LV and OK, so I arrange for my mom to come out here and take care of her the week I have to be gone. Mom tells me later that it was a horrible experience, as she was treated like hired help the entire week. Anyway, again, I've betrayed her, and not given her the attention she needed. It's about this time that she starts texting some people, mainly about dogs, and she's telling people (I found this later) that her marriage is basically over. So, I think that's when she first started this, around early December. And we actually spent separate Christmases that year. Her with her family, me with mine. By then, I know now, she was really getting into it, though I didn't really know something was up until Feb when she did something stupid and accidentally sent me a text meant for another man. That's when I started digging into email. I knew something was up the day I could get my license back because I sprung it on her that morning that I needed a ride to the DMV, and I could tell she was pissed. So, I check her email next morning, and she was going to meet a guy - one the dudes I texted at the end here - but he stood her up and she was pissed. So that's when I knew for sure she was doing something. So who knows, maybe it did go physical then, though of course she denies it - just lunch - but like I said he stood her up. Then shortly after that I was headed out for my grandma.

DPR


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Thanks for the support, everyone. One reason I'm actually taking action this time is that I'm sharing this with people besides my mother. Telling people actually gives you an impetus to do something, I think, because then you've got people both supporting you, and let's be honest, pushing you to not just rug sweep and do something and get on with your life!


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Hey TAM,

I do have another question. What made you the most angry about the betrayal? I know that seems obvious right, but I'm sitting here, and I realized I didn't express that here. And this is going to sound really strange, probably.

First off, I think this is just the result of living with STBXW for so long and dealing with all of her ****. Mood swings, inability to handle money, temper, never accepting responsibility for anything, can't take even constructive criticism, no friends, no work, etc. At the time this EA extravaganza was going on, I was never actually pissed that she might be having an affair. I was pissed that she was doing this crap on my dime. That and her not working were way higher on my anger list than the possibility she was screwing around. I just put up with it because I wanted to stay with my kids and counterbalance what she did, it was easier to settle, and I was afraid at the time of the financial repercussions of divorce. And, once we moved out here, I stopped staying at home to avoid fights and went out when I wanted to. For example, after I took a Motorcycle Safety Class in February - when I made the ultimatum she broke 2 days later - the following weekend I just went out to the cycle shop and bought my first bike in 15 years. Didn't tell her beforehand, she's not on the title, it just showed up that Saturday afternoon. Her response was that I should've used that money to buy her a real wedding ring, and that would've changed her behavior and attitude. That makes me realize I wasn't in love with her, and probably wasn't for quite some time. When she wasn't doing the stupid stuff or just being bat **** crazy, I would take her out, we'd talk, work out together, watch movies, have sex, and generally get along. But there was no spark, and our interests were so different. She loves reality shows, especially stuff like Real Housewives. I hate them with the white hot intensity of a thousand burning suns. She loves stuff like that Jodi Arias trial. She about flipped when I asked who the hell Jodi Arias was one night. Part of me thinks she's in a fantasy that's she's living one for real with her behavior. She 42 acting like she's 22, but she's done that ever since I've known her.

Like right now, for example. I told you she's not sleeping in the bedroom, so, she pulled my oldest daughter's mattress out into the loft area of the 2nd floor and is sleeping in there. With my 15 year old daughter. When I would go out of town, she would do the same thing - have my daughter sleep with her - because she didn't want to sleep alone. WTH.

Thanks again for the virtual ear. This has helped me in so many ways, I can't tell you. I wish I had done this last year, or more realistically many years before that...

DPR


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is a real piece of work. Better late than never that you have finally taken action. Good luck.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

My friend, as difficult as it is the best of luck to you. First off no relationship can survive if two people don't have a fundamental respect for each other. Her disrespect towards you has been astounding, no doubt she has gotten away with it for so long her reality is skewed from ever seeing what she's doing could have any negative bearing on her future because she's addicted to the thrill of the chase.
I predict you'll get a swift 180 and remorse when she gets the papers but it will only be window dressing to try and salvage the marriage. Hope you stick to your guns..you're in for one hell of a ride.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Watch out for her being the biggest and nastiest bit&h on the planet when she gets the D papers and you don't do what she wants you to do.

Beware the woman scorned! ....at least the one who thinks she is.

P.s. BTW, a lot of women are not like that....just in case you go down the route of 'women this and women that, never again!' Many pull their weight and more so. Many women go out with the male version of your wife. 

Sorry for stating the obvious. It is annoying when people get hurt by one person and taint all with that brush. Not that you are, just pre empting!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Dread Pirate Roberts,

This is off topic, but I couldn't stop myself.
Could I interest you in a fitting avatar picture to go with your user name?









Bartholomew Roberts born John Robert, also known as Black Bart. He was forced into piracy when captured by another pirate. He was then elected to lead when the captain was killed a month later. Roberts was a Welsh pirate who raided shipping off the Americas and West Afrlca between 1719 and 1722. He was the most successful pirate of the "golden age of piracy", capturing far more ships than some of the best-known pirates of this era. He is estimated to have captured over 470 vessels.
This is Roberts' first flag showing him and Death holding an hourglass, simbolizing that their was little time left before death.


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