# Husband is allowed to sleep around



## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I know I know not the most popular topic and most people will disagree with me. My husband and I are each other best friends and we have a very strong marriage. I love him more then anything and I know he feels the same. Then why does he want to sleep with other women and why do I let him. I believe monogamy is an unrealistic expectation we set for our spouses. Marriage last a long time (if done right). Sex to me is a physical attraction between 2 people the only time emotions are involved is when the 2 people share love and feelings for each and that makes it special for them. What I consider cheating would be if my husband went on dates, spent the night, shared personal details or were to continue a relationship even with just calls or texts past a one night stand. As long I know he only loves me is still attracted to me and will always be my best friend I have no insecurities about our marriage or his feelings for me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have no idea how sex works. Biology isnt logical its chemical. We dont pick our partner with our brain, our bodies pick who and when.


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I'm not trying to make this a sex Ed class. Just sharing my feelings. Also I've been in love with my husband since I was a freshmen in high school but for 5 yrs we were just best friends and our relationship grew from our close friendship. The closer we got as friends the more we loved each other and didn't want anyone else. Which is why we stayed friends until the time was right. As far as sex goes I was speaking about the drunken one night stands we have all had. As I said before I believe monogamy is unrealistic and its normal to want to be with other people and it doesn't change our feelings for each other.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Derkel, are you sleeping around also?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Derkel,

No problem with you feeling that way. Many folks think monogamy is not possible in today's world. 

The question I would have is is this a one way street??? You mention nothing about YOU HAVING "JUST SEX" WITH OTHERS, and his reactions to that. Or is this a one sided arrangement???? That's OK too if you are fine with it, just asking?

Also curious if things are so great why you would post about it??

Without getting into any clinical issues, I believe most of the literature states that men look for affairs or other women for sex and are much better at leaving it at that. Women entering into affairs usually are emotionally connected before they even have sex with someone else.

As long as you can avoid that and are happy with it I do not know why anyone would criticize you here, but again not sure what you question is or why you took the time to post. 

Probably might get some good discussion on this. I hope no one takes any shots at you for no reason. You are not getting deceived, not getting betrayed, and there appears to be no lying going on.

At some point, my guess is you will probably meet some guy who is attractive and it will be interesting to see what hubby stake on that one is.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If you and your husband found a solution that works well for your marriage, then good for you. But if your husband continues to sleep with other women, especially the same woman repeatedly, YOU run the risk that he might develop emotional feelings for one of them. Would that cross your line on the definition of cheating? Hopefully you know your husband well enough to truly answer that. I know I probably would not be able to do what your husband is doing without eventually developing some strong feelings for the OW.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

> I believe monogamy is an unrealistic expectation* we *set for our spouses


O.M.G. Someone who speaks for all of us has spoken

Well with a mind set like that, who can argue !

p.s.
Save the link to this site and especially this forum........ in the future we will be here for you


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

What about your health? Aren't you concerned that he may bring home an STD? That would change your life forever.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You are perpetuating infidelity rather than being the W that you are supposed to be! You are doing your H no favors, and he is damned sure not doing you any!

Life was not meant to be this way ~ Better start rethinking your options!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your marriage, your business.

Pretty naive, though.

And about your personal definition w/ respect to cheating...? I'd be willing to bet that it's already happened a few times.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it works for you, great. It wouldn't for us, because IMO your rules are too restrictive and limiting, and so easier to break either willfully or inadvertently. Of course, any approach has it's own risks and pitfalls, as many here on this site can attest as monogamy has it's own set of problems.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Speaking for myself as a husband, no way in h**l would I ever do that to my wife. We have lost a lot over the past 10 years, I have never felt this alone in my life still I would not do to her what your husband is doing to you. Dear girl, I don't believe you would be here right now if you did not have a problem with what he is doing. Sorry if I over stepped my place but husbands are to watch over the ones they love not walk over them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

"I believe monogamy is an unrealistic expectation we set for our spouses"

I'd like to see the percentage of people who remain married five years after they shed this "unrealistic expectation".


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I'll try to answer and clear up anything you ask. I'm a pretty open person. I didn't really post here with a question mostly just everyone's thoughts. My sister (as do/would most) thinks this is not normal she suggested I post it to see if everyone thinks I'm insane. I did have 2 one night stands myself and H was fine with it. What's good for the goose........ If I wanted to again I could but I have a dresser drawer full of options to hold me off. As far as STDs we've been together 10 yrs and so far so good so I have to trust he's using protection. 

I'm not naive I know I'm taking many risks including him developing feelings for someone else but he hasn't so far and I trust he never will. This is not something that he does every weekend and there are certain rules like he can't see the same person twice. Over the last 10 yrs he has only been with 7 other women. It's not to replace sex with me. We have an amazing sex life. We are always looking for ways to spice it up and I'm open to try most things. 

Also I would like to apologize for using "we" when speaking about MY feeling on monogamy. In my opinion monogamy is unrealistic. I'm happy for anyone who is in a happy lovjng caring marriage however it works best for you and your spouse. 

Lastly I'm not a fool. I'm aware I could wake up one day and my husband could leave me for someone else but that could happen without living like this. There are so many reasons married couples divorce. As for now our marriage is strong and I trust he isn't out there doing anything I wouldn't want him to do. He has always been honest and I have no choose but to take him at his word. I've never been one of those females who check his phone, email or follow him around. I only expect honesty.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> You have no idea how sex works. Biology isnt logical its chemical. We dont pick our partner with our brain, our bodies pick who and when.


This is the heart of it. You said you believe that sex and love are different.

In some ways yes.

But in many ways no.

I can't tell you what is right for your marriage or not though it is obvious where I stand.

But keep your eyes open to the development of affairs.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Derkel said:


> Also I would like to apologize for using "we" when speaking about MY feeling on monogamy.
> 
> In my opinion monogamy is unrealistic. I'm happy for anyone who is in a happy lovjng caring marriage however it works best for you and your spouse.
> 
> .


That clears that up then

I'm happy for you if you *honestly enjoy* having an open marriage and would not like there to be exclusivity to each other

Dont understand it my self but we are all different


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

G.J. said:


> O.M.G. Someone who speaks for all of us has spoken
> 
> Well with a mind set like that, who can argue !
> 
> ...


You are kidding right?


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

We don't do the drunken one night stand thing, but neither I nor my wife have a problem with the other having sex with someone else. Our agreement is both will be there or at least know it is happening before it does. No secrets, no lies, and no "on going" meets. We are not worried about either of us developing feelings for another, but we have in the past had the 3rd party think it was more than it was. 

The key to marriage is to find what works for you AND your spouse, not what works for others.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Derkel said:


> I'll try to answer and clear up anything you ask. I'm a pretty open person. I didn't really post here with a question mostly just everyone's thoughts. My sister (as do/would most) thinks this is not normal she suggested I post it to see if everyone thinks I'm insane. I did have 2 one night stands myself and H was fine with it. What's good for the goose........ If I wanted to again I could but I have a dresser drawer full of options to hold me off. As far as STDs we've been together 10 yrs and so far so good so I have to trust he's using protection.
> 
> I'm not naive I know I'm taking many risks including him developing feelings for someone else but he hasn't so far and I trust he never will. This is not something that he does every weekend and there are certain rules like he can't see the same person twice. Over the last 10 yrs he has only been with 7 other women. It's not to replace sex with me. We have an amazing sex life. We are always looking for ways to spice it up and I'm open to try most things.
> 
> ...




Trust your sister. Also trust but verify. You will never know if he decided to start keeping things from you. You will never know if he fell for someone else until it was all said and done. Your life but play it smart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy2gether said:


> We don't do the drunken one night stand thing, but neither I nor my wife have a problem with the other having sex with someone else. Our agreement is both will be there or at least know it is happening before it does. No secrets, no lies, and no "on going" meets. We are not worried about either of us developing feelings for another, but we have in the past had the 3rd party think it was more than it was.
> 
> The key to marriage is to find what works for you AND your spouse, not what works for others.


Has your relationship always been so open sexually?

And how did your wife's affair figure into all of this?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Derkel said:


> I'll try to answer and clear up anything you ask. I'm a pretty open person. I didn't really post here with a question mostly just everyone's thoughts. My sister (as do/would most) thinks this is not normal she suggested I post it to see if everyone thinks I'm insane. I did have 2 one night stands myself and H was fine with it. What's good for the goose........ If I wanted to again I could but I have a dresser drawer full of options to hold me off. As far as STDs we've been together 10 yrs and so far so good so I have to trust he's using protection.
> 
> I'm not naive I know I'm taking many risks including him developing feelings for someone else but he hasn't so far and I trust he never will. This is not something that he does every weekend and there are certain rules like he can't see the same person twice. Over the last 10 yrs he has only been with 7 other women. It's not to replace sex with me. We have an amazing sex life. We are always looking for ways to spice it up and I'm open to try most things.
> 
> ...


People die in automobile accidents every day.

Driving on under- or over-inflated tires increases the chances that it will happen.

Failure to perform other routine maintenance increases the chances that it will happen.

Driving w/o a seatbelt increases the chances that it will happen.

Here's the bottom line... by engaging in extramarital sex, you and your husband ARE inviting a very significant degree of risk into your marriage.

That said, your marriage is your own, and you and your husband have the right to define the terms as you see fit. As long as everyone is _on board_ and everything is ABOVE board, you're good.

Is it "normal", though?

No. But why do you care?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> You are kidding right?




moi une blague je ne sais pas ce que vous avez mea :wink2:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. This is an infidelity forum not cuckold thread.

Do you even have a question or are you simply promoting your view that fvcking many others while being "married" is good?

This maybe belongs in the sex section or general relationship.

Or a **** site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Has your relationship always been so open sexually?
> 
> And how did your wife's affair figure into all of this?


yes it has been open basically from the start with the exception of when our kids were born.

her affair came about when we had actually taken a several year break from open marriage. She began talking to a guy about our problems because he was going thru issues with his girlfriend too. He took it she wanted more, and soon she thought she did as well. Honestly we had major problems at the time, I had so much stress on me from work/money issues and took it out on her. I made her feel like she was not wanted and it greatly contributed to her having an affair. No it was not 100% my fault, but not due to us being open to our spouses having sex with others. It has been a year and a week since her affair and we are much better off now than we were before it happened. It opened BOTH our eyes to the issues we were having and to the true depth of our love for each other.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

happy2gether said:


> her affair came about when we had actually taken a several year break from open marriage.



Whatjew mean "we" my man. It sounds like "you" were the only one who took a break from an open marriage.:wink2:


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Could it be that you are so afraid of being betrayed that you simply decided to allow if from the start, in a way to protect you heart?

If my boundaries were the same as yours I would be suffering significantly less right now, but I feel monogamy gives so much that it's worth the risk. As much as I wish I could move on thinking it was only meaningless "almost sex" and put it behind me, I feel like our relationship has lost something, something it will take a lot of effort to rebuild.

I hope you will be able to stay happy together, but I don't believe an open marriage could work long term. The boundary of sleeping with others is a big one to break, but when that is acceptable the next boundaries are a lot easier to stumble over. What if he was tired and happened to fall asleep after? What if one of them suddenly started working at his company? What if the birth control failed and one of them got pregnant? I wish you all the best, and I hope your husband respects you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since most people do not cheat on their spouse, I don't think that monogamy is unrealistic at all.

And a lot of people have never had drunken one night stands, or sober one night stands.

But to each his/her own.

What will you do if he gets some woman pregnant? Are you ok with helping to raise that child?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Derkel said:


> I'm not trying to make this a sex Ed class. Just sharing my feelings. Also I've been in love with my husband since I was a freshmen in high school but for 5 yrs we were just best friends and our relationship grew from our close friendship. The closer we got as friends the more we loved each other and didn't want anyone else. Which is why we stayed friends until the time was right. As far as sex goes I was speaking about the drunken one night stands we have all had. As I said before I believe monogamy is unrealistic and its normal to want to be with other people and it doesn't change our feelings for each other.


So "we" have all had drunken one night stands, have "we"?

Actually, no "we" haven't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't drink alcoholic beverages and never had a one night stand. I have no desire to have this activity. My husband and I are monogamous. We are married for ongoing 36 years (first marriage for the both of us). The type of marriage that we have is our choice.

I knew a woman who remained married to her husband, knowing that her husband had sex with women after his performances. He was a lead singer for a well-known international band. She elected to stay in her marriage for her love for him, her children, and the monetary support. He didn't flaunt his conquests, but she knew. She remained married today, after 48 years. 

OP, how old are you and your husband? What career paths are you both in? Do you have any children? Your choices in life can be dictated by your environment. The type of marriage that you have is your choice. So, why are you here?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

G.J. said:


> moi une blague je ne sais pas ce que vous avez mea :wink2:


....nurtz


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> ....nurtz


nurtz nar......French :wink2:


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I guess I don't really have a question just wondering what other married couples thought. I was unaware I had to ask one to share my story. I guess I could have ended my original post with "what do you think" but I figured I didn't need to ask to be told. Like I had said before my sister thinks we are out of our minds. I know it's not normal and I knew most people wouldn't understand or agree I was just simply trying to start an open conversation to hear other people's opinions and views. It seems that my topic has upset or offended some of you and for that I apologize. Also if my subject matter was misplaced here again i apologize I never meant nor thought an open forum used to share talk and ask strangers their thoughts would upset anyone. My only intention was to hear what everyone had to say. 

Oh and I was asked my age 33&35. No kids (I'm more of a dog person lol) my husband is a plumber and I'm a RN.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think we all have competing impulses because our biology isn't a perfectly tuned system. We are monogamous, but somehow we're not.

I'm married and monogamous for 32 years now. What I think is that the chemistry of love and sex will mean that you or your H will develop feelings for someone else and this will constitute cheating by your definition. It's at this point that you will experience the physical effect of breaking the bounds of monogamy. You will experience heartbreak, the utter pain of infidelity. At this point, your ideas won't be an issue of philosophy. They'll be irrelevant to what you are experiencing.

I think human nature is such that you will be hurt by what you have decided to do with your marriage.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I'm curious, are any of the partners involved in the one night stands married? If so, are their spouses aware and in agreement? 

While not for me, I think this type of relationship works for some but it's complicated. Heck traditional relationships are complicated. 

If your husband and you mutually agree on the rules and respect them and it's works, who cares what anyone else thinks? As long as innocent people aren't involved and hurt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew a couple who had this open marriage lifestyle. The rule was always be honest and report back what happened.

The husband did this every time he had a lover.

It worked really well until the wife decided to take up the possibility of taking a lover.

She told her husband what had happened and he flew into a rage and physically attacked her.

In fear for her life she fled with her children and ended up staying at the home of her ONS, because he felt responsible for what had happened. Her lover was the brother of a friend of hers from college, they met at a party at the sister's home. She had chatted me up at the party, but I was still dating my first LTR girl friend, so I ignored her offer. 

The result was she and her lover fell deeply in love with each other, she divorced her husband on the grounds of his violence and last thing I heard she and her lover had married and the children were living with her, as her ex had become a drunk.

But of course, the ex was the one who insisted on them having an open relationship. But when it become open for her as well as him, he went off the deep end.

Open relationships do not always end well.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Good for you cuckwife! Good for you!

Why I don't care;
Because I have the realistic expectation that the person I am married to (or committed) should be good enough to satisfy my physical needs.
...
Although I said I don't really care, I do wonder, why aren't you good enough for your husband that you feel the need to give him a green light to supplement his physical needs with other women?

Like are you handicapped, really disgusting, or just completely inept when it comes to sex? Like, what's wrong with you that you believe monogamy in marriage is an unrealistic expectation, a vast majority of women who get married have a lot more self respect.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gouge_away said:


> Good for you cuckwife! Good for you!
> 
> Why I don't care;
> Because I have the realistic expectation that the person I am married to (or committed) should be good enough to satisfy my physical needs.
> ...


Actually fact nerds might be interested to learn that the correct term for a woman who allows her husband to sleep around on her is 'cuckqueen'.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> nurtz nar......French :wink2:


Google says it is couilles!
:rofl:


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Google says it is couilles!
> :rofl:


I didn't want to make it too complicated :FIREdevil:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> I didn't want to make it too complicated :FIREdevil:


My knowledge of non-English languages is limited to being able to just about order beer and cheese in Welsh.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> My knowledge of non-English languages is limited to being able to just about order beer and cheese in Welsh.


Ee Bah Goom, ya canna use ma black pudding only in t' art of o true enlightenment of Ecky thump


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

There is no way in hell that sharing yourself around is good for any marriage. I think you are a doormat for even allowing it. It is not kind or loving, how so? STD's are rife and you're exposing yourself to anything and everything. I don't think you two should be married.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

OP. How did this arrangement start for you guys? Was it discussed BEFORE your H had his first ONS? If not did he confess immediately & were you ok with it? In that situation I'd be VERY hurt. 

Do you like, find it a turn-on, to hear of your H's exploits or would you rather just know it happened but no details? Are you ever jealous? Is he 'allowed' to sleep with women that you know or just complete strangers to both of you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> Ee Bah Goom, ya canna use ma black pudding only in t' art of o true enlightenment of Ecky thump


And THAT is a real Goodie for ya! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I knew a couple who had this open marriage lifestyle. The rule was always be honest and report back what happened.
> 
> The husband did this every time he had a lover.
> 
> ...


Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

Christian girl. Monogamous relationships.

Meets a guy. He pressures and pressures for an open relationship. She's bisexual. She relents. He can have women. She can have women.

He doesn't want her to have men. Tells her she can't. She questions why. After 2 years he lets her. 

She has sex with one guy.

He flips his lid, says she ruined everything.

She gets him to admit he has commitment issues and is jealous of the other man.

She now will never do another open relationship.

Yes I am biased.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, some open relationships don't end well. Far more monogamous relationships end badly - nearly half end in divorce, and far more end even before marriage. They just aren't a good idea, and someone always gets hurt. So no-one should try a monogamous relationship.

>

See how that works?


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I don't have a jealous bone in my body. If my H were to break the rules and develop feelings for someone else perhaps that would change but I think I would be hurt not jealous. 

No we do not sleep with anyone that we know on a personal level. We both enjoy hearing the details. All questions asked get answered with totally honesty by both of us.

I've never believed in monogamy. I've always thought it was unrealistic. Could be because my dad was an absolute dog and I grew up hearing 
"All men are pigs" daily from mom. They divorced when I was 12. Don't get me wrong my dad was an excellent father it was the husband thing he sucked at. So even before we were married my husband knew my feelings on relationships and monogamy. So I guess there wasn't a certain time or event that lead us here.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Derkel said:


> I know I know not the most popular topic and most people will disagree with me. My husband and I are each other best friends and we have a very strong marriage. I love him more then anything and I know he feels the same. Then why does he want to sleep with other women and why do I let him. I believe monogamy is an unrealistic expectation we set for our spouses. Marriage last a long time (if done right). Sex to me is a physical attraction between 2 people the only time emotions are involved is when the 2 people share love and feelings for each and that makes it special for them. What I consider cheating would be if my husband went on dates, spent the night, shared personal details or were to continue a relationship even with just calls or texts past a one night stand. As long I know he only loves me is still attracted to me and will always be my best friend I have no insecurities about our marriage or his feelings for me.



Are you asking us if it is ok for you to get a kick account, secret facebook account, and post undies for soliciting on Craigslist?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm am 100000000000000000000000000000000000000% certain that his wife is the LAST thing on his mind when he's banging some other chick, but at least he doesn't have feelings for the ho.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If its the same person over and over again, then it becomes something more. Trust me, thats how I learned this the hard way. In reality, we shouldn't have done some things, and repeated sex with a single person starts to change things - ESPECIALLY if its a co-worker.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes, some open relationships don't end well. Far more monogamous relationships end badly - nearly half end in divorce, and far more end even before marriage. They just aren't a good idea, and someone always gets hurt. So no-one should try a monogamous relationship.
> 
> >
> 
> See how that works?


Actually, it's not the if they end up badly or not. (And that 50% is not of all marriage, but repeat offenders. Your chances go way down if you marry above the age of 25, have an education and so far. That 50% is made up of under 25, teenage marriages, uneducated, on their 5th wife/husband)

Its that I don't think it is a marriage. I think a marriage is the commitment to be faithful.

If people in open relationships want to be in an open relationship, then don't call it marriage.

Gay marriage is still marriage since it is the same commitment. 

To me it is WHO is in the marriage (interracial, gay) but how the marriage is conducted.
I will not convince you and you will not convince me.

I am just presenting the argument but after a certain point it will be rude for me to keep on doing so in response to you so I will cut it off.

If it becomes disrespectful before then, let me know.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

VirgenTecate said:


> Actually, it's not the if they end up badly or not. (And that 50% is not of all marriage, but repeat offenders. Your chances go way down if you marry above the age of 25, have an education and so far. That 50% is made up of under 25, teenage marriages, uneducated, on their 5th wife/husband)
> 
> Its that *I don't think *it is a marriage. I think a marriage is the commitment to be faithful.
> 
> ...


That fine. You don't know, so just like everyone else, you are expressing your opinion or bias. And it is called something else: *open* marriage - not marriage. I don't mind that you disagree with my opinion - as long as we can express them. Would you like to call it Marriage PLUS? I like the positive connotation! :grin2:

BTW, your statistics have nothing to do with my point or yours - just saying - and they are correct. I don't disagree with them, just that they show that monogamy is difficult - probably as difficult or perhaps more so than other kinds of relationship. People should be free to pursue the relationships they want - and accept the consequences of their choices whether good or bad.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Derkel said:


> I don't have a jealous bone in my body.* If my H were to break the rules and develop feelings for someone else perhaps that would change* but I think I would be hurt not jealous.


Just like some other posters have mentioned, if that's what works for the two of you, so be it.

But you should be concerned about how long it will work; for several reasons.

One - I can't tell you how many betrayed spouses have come on this board to say they regretted their open marriage - because the other spouse broke their agreement. They developed feelings, or wanted to divorce and run off with the AP.

Two - For most women in general, not all but most; they are hard wired to want an emotional attachment with their sex partner.

Three - I would be worried that at some point that emotional attachment would come into play with one of your husband's OW - and he would get caught up in it as well. And if I were your husband, I would worry about the same thing with you.

All I can say is good luck. IMHO, you've opened a Pandora's box.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I envy people who can make open relationships work. It would be wonderful to be able to enjoy sex with lots of different people without threatening your primary relationship.

I know a a few "poly" couples (different from open, but some similarities). Despite discussing how wonderful things were, tow of the couples have gotten divorced over it.

I the the OP is getting a lot of warnings because many of us have seen this of thing fail really badly for other people.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I envy people who can make open relationships work. It would be wonderful to be able to enjoy sex with lots of different people without threatening your primary relationship.
> 
> I know a a few "poly" couples (different from open, but some similarities). Despite discussing how wonderful things were, tow of the couples have gotten divorced over it.
> ...


You are right that open/poly relationships can fail and lead to divorce. People do need to hear - and sometimes heed those warnings.

On the other hand, I know many monogamous relationships that were wonderful and the couples have gotten divorced over non-consensual sex with others. It's harder to watch for and fix problems when you don't even know what your spouse is up to, than when you do.

So, I've seen a lot more monogamous couples divorce (percentage-wise) than open/poly couples. Very few traditional marriages of people I've knows for many years have lasted, so I think we should warn people off marriage! It would seem to be a fool's quest, for a great many!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> OP. This is an infidelity forum not cuckold thread.
> 
> Do you even have a question or are you simply promoting your view that fvcking many others while being "married" is good?
> 
> ...


I agree Conan. People like Derkel gives away for free what most of us only wish we had to begin with; Monogamy.

I can't wrap my head around open relationships and I never could. Part of me says 'to each their own' but part of me also emphasizes my right to have an opinion which is that open marriage is a disgusting behavior and many of the open marriage people I have ever run into in my life are predators and I avoid them like the plague. 

In the end, regardless of how people bend or shape statistics, very few partake in such relationships and most of the time when they do, they fail.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes, some open relationships don't end well. Far more monogamous relationships end badly - nearly half end in divorce, and far more end even before marriage. They just aren't a good idea, and someone always gets hurt. So no-one should try a monogamous relationship.
> 
> >
> 
> See how that works?


Last year, I was reading a survey on whether open marriage people were happier than those who practice monogamy. It was posted on one of these websites. It's not like I wanted to read that crap.

Three things I took away from that.

1) Most people want monogamy. That's why there are so few open relationships.

2) The divorce rates were higher in traditional marriages because people have higher standards (I know you are going to take that as a slap in the face but sorry) and will not tolerate such behavior. For example, Cops will make less drug arrests in areas where pot is legalized. Does that make pot any less dangerous ? So, if you loosen restrictions on a marriage (and I am sorry but allowing people to sleep around with others while married is loosening restrictions, regardless of how many 'rules' a couple has in place), then open marriage people are disposing of one of the triggers that people normally divorce over (infidelity) simply by 'legalizing it' in their marriage. It doesn't make it a healthier option. It just means that open marriage people don't prize 'fidelity' as much as those who practice monogamy. Even though they claim they value it the same when their wife is out getting banged by another guy at 1 in the morning

3) In my personal experience, every single 'open' or 'swinging' type relationship has failed miserably. And the sample size is not small. Only one survived and I will call him Larry, they swear against it now and advise people not to go down that path. On the other hand, monogamous relationships where people took their vows seriously, most survived intact.

So I feel your logic in the above post is flawed MBH


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

VirgenTecate said:


> Actually, it's not the if they end up badly or not. (And that 50% is not of all marriage, but repeat offenders. Your chances go way down if you marry above the age of 25, have an education and so far. That 50% is made up of under 25, teenage marriages, uneducated, on their 5th wife/husband)
> 
> Its that I don't think it is a marriage. I think a marriage is the commitment to be faithful.
> 
> ...


I agree. Completely Virgen

Statistics can be manipulated. 

Once you take out certain risk factors, the divorce rates among monogamous marriages plummet. Again, if it was practical or such a great thing or if human nature didn't exist, then why are the numbers of people in this lifestyle so small ?

In the end, to me, why get married if you want to bang other people ? It's more of a FWB situation. I couldn't sit there with pride as my wife came home, showering trying to get the smell of "Mike' off of her so she wouldn't offend me or so that she would feel better about herself.

JMO


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> Last year, I was reading a survey on whether open marriage people were happier than those who practice monogamy. It was posted on one of these websites. It's not like I wanted to read that crap.
> 
> Three things I took away from that.
> 
> ...


Actually, I can support my views with peer-reviewed research and articles based on such research.

I do agree that most people want monogamy. And some don't. If it's consensual, why would anyone care if they do or don't?

As for point 2, I think that's your opinion - can you back it up?

Your experience that every such relationship has failed is a very small subset that coincidentally reinforces your bias. It is not objective reality by any means.

--------------------


Articles on Poly, Swinging, Open Relationships 


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-open-relationships-happier?collection=169075



> Despite these limitations, however, the results are telling, especially given their robustness across outcomes, gender, and relationship status. Moreover, they replicate two earlier studies on swingers: One(link is external) found that, compared to the general population, swingers were much more likely to rate their romantic relationships as very happy, and their lives as happy and exciting[2]. The other found that only 1% of male, and 5% of female swingers never had an orgasm while swinging[3]; in the general population, 25% of women and 10% of men had not had a single orgasm in the past year[4].
> 
> Taking all these data together, it does seem like a myth busted: Not only are consensually nonmonogamous people not less happy, healthy, and sexually satisfied than the general population; they actually seem to enjoy better health, happiness, and sexual vitality.



https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201109/why-open-marriages-sometimes-work


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/inside-look-open-marriages


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201003/the-truth-about-open-marriage


https://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201501/the-open-relationship


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...st-americans-are-polygamous?collection=169075


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-monogamy-kills-male-libido?collection=169075


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I just don't understand what value marriage has when the two partners share their bodies with interlopers from outside the marriage. 

Why be married? Why go through the legal hassle? Why not just live together and enter into a time-limited business contract where you share property and assets. Those kind of contracts are easier to get out of if you put five or ten year expiration clauses on them. 

I just don't get why people into polyamory have to fvck with traditional marriage and tell the rest of us we are backwards and wrong because we think marriage is a sacred covenant. Why can't you people come up with an alternative to the marital contract that will work for you and leave us archaic monogamists alone?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Actually, I can support my views with peer-reviewed research and articles based on such research.
> 
> I do agree that most people want monogamy. And some don't. If it's consensual, why would anyone care if they do or don't?
> 
> ...


You can spout statistics all day long. Statistics can be skewed to show anything you want them to show. They don't mean anything.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

But, seriously...

Why is this thread on CWI?

It belongs to some other subforum, as another poster said (and strangely a moderator ignored, while still writing here).

The OP and her husband have an open marriage; with that agreement sleeping around is not infidelity.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You can spout statistics all day long. Statistics can be skewed to show anything you want them to show. They don't mean anything.


Perhaps. But then your opinion counts for even less than my statistics, because statistics are at least based on something!

Gotcha!


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't understand what value marriage has when the two partners share their bodies with interlopers from outside the marriage.
> 
> Why be married? Why go through the legal hassle? Why not just live together and enter into a time-limited business contract where you share property and assets. Those kind of contracts are easier to get out of if you put five or ten year expiration clauses on them.
> 
> I just don't get why people into polyamory have to fvck with traditional marriage and tell the rest of us we are backwards and wrong because we think marriage is a sacred covenant. Why can't you people come up with an alternative to the marital contract that will work for you and leave us archaic monogamists alone?


I agree with that.

And while I am mostly "to each their own" there is value in having societal institutions which represent certain values. Marriage represents a type of commitment. Many respond back with we have already ruined it with GAY or INTERRACIAL marriage. But, as I said before, those people make the same commitment and do the same actions...just the WHO has been changed.

Open marriages change the fundamental commitment. 

To each their own. But it is not the same institution.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Actually, I can support my views with peer-reviewed research and articles based on such research.
> 
> I do agree that most people want monogamy. And some don't. If it's consensual, why would anyone care if they do or don't?
> 
> ...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

italianjob said:


> But, seriously...
> 
> Why is this thread on CWI?
> 
> ...


I feel it's infidelity still. It's just tolerated infidelity between these two. Or is it now tolerated ?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
people get married for all sorts of reasons - from tax benefits, to seeing it as a declaration of love. 

I would like the government to get completely out of marriage - just provide a set of contracts appropriate for whatever the couple wants to achieve. Then I'm happy for people to call whatever arrangement they want a "marriage".

Marriage has changed dramatically over the years, I see no reason it should not continue to change.

So if a couple wants a marriage without a promise of exclusive sex, that is absolutely fine with me as long as they are but enteringing with a full understanding of the agreement.




bandit.45 said:


> I just don't understand what value marriage has when the two partners share their bodies with interlopers from outside the marriage.
> 
> Why be married? Why go through the legal hassle? Why not just live together and enter into a time-limited business contract where you share property and assets. Those kind of contracts are easier to get out of if you put five or ten year expiration clauses on them.
> 
> I just don't get why people into polyamory have to fvck with traditional marriage and tell the rest of us we are backwards and wrong because we think marriage is a sacred covenant. Why can't you people come up with an alternative to the marital contract that will work for you and leave us archaic monogamists alone?


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> I feel it's infidelity still. It's just tolerated infidelity between these two. Or is it now tolerated ?


My take on it is that it needs to have the element of disloyalty to be properly called infidelity.

An Open marriage is a different set of rules and it sounds like those rules are being followed in this case, so there's no infidelity IMO.

I personally have no place for open marriages, but I feel that a thread like this in a section with people that has suffered real infidelity is some kind of trojan horse, a way to tell those people that infidelity is not that important, after all, and I do have an issue with that...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Derkel said:


> Lastly I'm not a fool.


Yeah....... Anyway.

You obviously have no respect for yourself. You allow him to fvck other women because you know he will whether you approve of it or not. So rather than be rejected by a scumbag your codependant on, you'd rather condone his backstabbing under some sad delusional notion that people can't be monogamous. 

Sorry OP, HE can't be monogamous because he doesn't really love you. Oh, I believe you love him because otherwise you wouldn't let him treat you like a member of his harem but he has no real interest in you. You just foolish enough to believe he gives a sh!t about you. You are blind as a bat to the truth.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

italianjob said:


> My take on it is that it needs to have the element of disloyalty to be properly called infidelity.
> 
> An Open marriage is a different set of rules and it sounds like those rules are being followed in this case, so there's no infidelity IMO.
> 
> I personally have no place for open marriages, but I feel that a thread like this in a section with people that has suffered real infidelity is some kind of trojan horse, a way to tell those people that infidelity is not that important, after all, and I do have an issue with that...


yeah ITJob, I understand where you are coming from. Infidelity has many different definitions. One is 'adultery' which is happening here. That's why I qualified it as 'infidelity that's being tolerated' for purposes of this thread'. Others see it as doing something that goes against agreements like a contract.

In RichardSharpe's post, I understand what he is saying about marriage but just like these Open marriage folks have a right to do what they do, I have every right as well to detest them and keep them out of my life. I have found many of them to be predators and take advantage of you when you are down.

It's not the best subject for me, I should probably be retreating from this thread

Your last paragraph I agree with 100 times over. 100% agree.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

If someone asked me if they could sleep with my wife I would probably say, _"no, but thanks for asking, most guys wouldn't bother to ask."_ That is of course after I broke his nose.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't understand what value marriage has when the two partners share their bodies with interlopers from outside the marriage.
> 
> Why be married? Why go through the legal hassle? Why not just live together and enter into a time-limited business contract where you share property and assets. Those kind of contracts are easier to get out of if you put five or ten year expiration clauses on them.
> 
> I just don't get why people into polyamory have to fvck with traditional marriage and tell the rest of us we are backwards and wrong because we think marriage is a sacred covenant. Why can't you people come up with an alternative to the marital contract that will work for you and leave us archaic monogamists alone?


agreed completely


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

intheory said:


> Derkel,
> 
> I think what you are doing is awful. Plain and simple. Who cares about my opinion; with that and $1, you can buy yourself a candy bar.
> 
> ...


Classy response as usual.... I wish I had your patience for these kind of people.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps. But then your opinion counts for even less than my statistics, because statistics are at least based on something!
> 
> Gotcha!


Based on what? What data? How was the data gathered? By way of survey of random passerby in a shopping mall? Did they take polls from horny, single, post-graduates at Berkley? 

Or was it empirical data based solely of social models? Clue us in professor.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Based on what? What data? How was the data gathered? By way of survey of random passerby in a shopping mall? Did they take polls from horny, single, post-graduates at Berkley?
> 
> Or was it empirical data based solely of social models? Clue us in professor.


Read the f'ing paper, and decide for yourself. I know you sometimes exhibit an open mind, so put it to use. You obviously won't take my word for it, so why ask me to explain it to you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Read the f'ing paper, and decide for yourself. I know you sometimes exhibit an open mind, so put it to use. You obviously won't take my word for it, so why ask me to explain it to you?


Ohhhh the paper! Well we all know how newspapers and magazines never stoop printing trumped up studies just to sell print...

What was I thinking?


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

I was honestly going to stop responding I started to feel like I had misplaced where I posted this discussion and I felt bad about that. I'm new to this site. This is my 1st post and clearly I made a mistake. I do feel the need to respond to this. I'm not sure if you read my post about ME being the one who doesn't believe in monogamy and that my husband who was my best friend all through high school was aware of the type of person I was. He had 1 GF all though high school and another year after that. I was the one that didn't date or have any long term high school sweetheart crap. So I'm not really sure why everyone is always so convicted the wife is the weak one being walked on and mistreated by her awful sex crazed husband. Like I'm crying into a pillow every night waiting for him to come home. It may come as surprise to you but I've never been anyone's victim and would never allow myself to be mistreated I'm a strong confident stubborn women who has her own views (popular or not) and opinions on the way I choose to live.


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

That was in responds to betrayed dad last post. As I said I'm nee couldn't figure out how to copy your original post.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Derkel said:


> That was in responds to betrayed dad last post. As I said I'm nee couldn't figure out how to copy your original post.


Click the "Quote" button to the bottom right of a given post in order to quote it within a reply to said post.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've jumped ahead a bit so this may have been asked, but why are you posting in this forum? You seem happy in your choice. You're not 'coping' with anything in particular. Why post this?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

VirgenTecate said:


> If people in open relationships want to be in an open relationship, then don't call it marriage.
> 
> Gay marriage is still marriage since it is the same commitment.
> 
> ...


That is a matter of opinion... The ratio of divorces between "mono" people and open relationship is about the same. Boundries and such had to be set. The problem we had was not the OR, but the bottle.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

I don't really care whether two consenting people decide to have an open marriage or not, but I do think a lot of really bad arguments get presented against monogamy. For example:

1) "It's not natural to be monogamous"/"biology makes us want other people"/"we're just not meant to be monogamous." -- Ok, by the same token it's not natural to hold our pee until we get to a toilet, wear deodorant, refrain from physically attacking people who anger us, stay up well past dark, etc. We live in something called civilization, and we come up with rules that help civilization function. And it turns out we're actually pretty capable of living within those rules.

2) "x% of people commit adultery" -- First of all, the stats you see cited are completely all over the map and many are not legit at all. But moreover, I stole a pencil from a store once. Does that mean everything from stores should be free since we can't completely prevent people from stealing? The fact that over the course of a very long life many people may lapse in following a rule doesn't make it a useless rule. 

3) "So many marriages end in divorce anyway" -- so what? Divorce happens for all kinds of reasons, but there's no evidence that open marriage makes it any less likely.

4) "One person can't fill all your needs" -- I automatically raise an eyebrow when I hear this "fill my needs" talk, as though "needs" are just these buckets we carry around that hold fixed volumes. Sex isn't as simple as a need that empties and gets filled, it's also something that can cause these messy things called feelings to arise. The thing is, we actually *are* wired, to SOME extent, for monogamy, and sex can activate the bonding mechanisms that bolster monogamy. So while there are some people and situations where "pure" sex can work, it's usually more complicated.

Do what you want, but don't let bad rationalizations pressure you into something you don't really want.


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I've jumped ahead a bit so this may have been asked, but why are you posting in this forum? You seem happy in your choice. You're not 'coping' with anything in particular. Why post this?



My sister who feels we are out of our minds thought I should find out what other married couples thought. So after a few beers one night with a strong buzz we went on line looking for a site to post. We tired some "adult" sites but she didn't feel I was choosing a honest bias opinion. She was right for s**ts and giggles I did post it on an adult site. All I got was invited to 3 ways & gangbang parties. So I guess I posted hear the thoughts and opinions of other married couples.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

welldusted said:


> The thing is, we actually *are* wired, to SOME extent, for monogamy, and sex can activate the bonding mechanisms that bolster monogamy. So while there are some people and situations where "pure" sex can work, it's usually more complicated.


I think people who are at peace with poly/open marriages are wired differently.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Derkel said:


> My sister who feels we are out of our minds thought I should find out what other married couples thought. ... So I guess I posted hear the thoughts and opinions of other married couples.


I think you're playing with fire. I also wonder how comfortable your husband is with you having sex with other men.

Usually, men are possessive of their woman's sex because they have an instinctual need for paternity certainty. No man wants to waste his resources on children not his. Evolutionarily speaking, survival was a very iffy proposition, with a potentially very short window to propagate his dna. Maybe 10 years from puberty to death. Efforts put into feeding, raising, and protecting children were not to be wasted on some other man's children.

Men are thus naturally wired to react poorly to their wife having sex with others.

Meanwhile, women seem to have an instinctual need to feel protected by her man. When a man freely allows his woman to have sex with others, she can end up resenting him and losing attraction. This is a very common reaction when a woman reluctantly agrees to some form of open marriage.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Thor said:


> I think people who are at peace with poly/open marriages are wired differently.


I agree. Sex is not an emotional bonding or loving act for them. It's just a physical release. You can't make love to your spouse and have it mean anything substantial if you then go out a few days later and screw a stranger. It's impossible.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Derkel said:


> My sister who feels we are out of our minds thought I should find out what other married couples thought. So after a few beers one night with a strong buzz we went on line looking for a site to post. We tired some "adult" sites but she didn't feel I was choosing a honest bias opinion. She was right for s**ts and giggles I did post it on an adult site. All I got was invited to 3 ways & gangbang parties. So I guess I posted hear the thoughts and opinions of other married couples.


How does it work for you if boundaries were to be crossed? Would there be consequences and what would they be? Have the two of you discussed how to handle a potential pregnancy?

Are you and your husband emotionally intimate? What is the dynamic of your relationship? 

Since you are here I would like to understand you and your way of life better. 

I could never be in an open marriage, I'm too afraid of STDs, I have to be really emotionally close with someone to share my body with them, and I want my husband all to myself. 

For me to tell you if I think you are out of your mind or not, I need the answers to those questions.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Derkel said:


> My sister who feels we are out of our minds thought I should find out what other married couples thought. So after a few beers one night with a strong buzz we went on line looking for a site to post. We tired some "adult" sites but she didn't feel I was choosing a honest bias opinion. She was right for s**ts and giggles I did post it on an adult site. All I got was invited to 3 ways & gangbang parties. So I guess I posted hear the thoughts and opinions of other married couples.


Should be in the general relationship forum on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Ohhhh the paper! Well we all know how newspapers and magazines never stoop printing trumped up studies just to sell print...
> 
> What was I thinking?


I thought better of you, bandit! There were peer-reviewed papers in the list I provided, so try again. Your ignorance of the facts is showing, and the best you can do is attack the media (which sometimes does report accurately - or is it only accurate if YOU agree with it)?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Ohhhh the paper! Well we all know how newspapers and magazines never stoop printing trumped up studies just to sell print...
> 
> What was I thinking?


agreed, Bandit. Completely agreed.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Derkel said:


> I know I know not the most popular topic and most people will disagree with me. My husband and I are each other best friends and we have a very strong marriage. I love him more then anything and I know he feels the same. Then why does he want to sleep with other women and why do I let him. I believe monogamy is an unrealistic expectation we set for our spouses. Marriage last a long time (if done right). Sex to me is a physical attraction between 2 people the only time emotions are involved is when the 2 people share love and feelings for each and that makes it special for them. What I consider cheating would be if my husband went on dates, spent the night, shared personal details or were to continue a relationship even with just calls or texts past a one night stand. As long I know he only loves me is still attracted to me and will always be my best friend I have no insecurities about our marriage or his feelings for me.


It sounds as though you and your H have an arrangement that suits you both, so what exactly has brought you to TAM?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

welldusted said:


> I don't really care whether two consenting people decide to have an open marriage or not, but I do think a lot of really bad arguments get presented against monogamy. For example:
> 
> 1) "It's not natural to be monogamous"/"biology makes us want other people"/"we're just not meant to be monogamous." -- Ok, by the same token it's not natural to hold our pee until we get to a toilet, wear deodorant, refrain from physically attacking people who anger us, stay up well past dark, etc. We live in something called civilization, and we come up with rules that help civilization function. And it turns out we're actually pretty capable of living within those rules.
> 
> ...



very well written Welldusted. And further, even if any of those above arguments others use were legit, which to me, they aren't, why push them on an infidelity board with a bunch of people who are in misery because of such actions ? Geez

Again, very well written


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> I agree. Sex is not an emotional bonding or loving act for them. It's just a physical release. You can't make love to your spouse and have it mean anything substantial if you then go out a few days later and screw a stranger. It's impossible.



exactly !!!! and you are very correct IMO.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I hope you reply to my post, OP. The discussion is interesting to me. I would love you to discuss and refute the points I am going to make.

You can't have everything. 

If I am honest about my most elemental feelings, I want to be promiscuous, but I don't want my wife to be. I want my needs to be met, but I want my wife to need me. With my head I can see that what I want is fundamentally inconsistent, bit it is still what I want, if I am honest.

At one stage many years ago my wife was unfaithful, and it will always be a shadow over what we have. The affair was emotional more than physical (though it was both) but it was uncontrolled. My wife did not plan it. The mistake she made was to assume she could control things. She couldn't (I don't think I could either).

I think that sex and emotion interact in ways we can't totally predict. You can decide to try and control the emotions of sex in an open and promiscuous marriage, or you can decide to commit to monogamy and discipline your desire for promiscuity. Either way has the potential to be hard. If you allow promiscuity, you allow the scenario where "it's just sex" becomes a complete interaction of sex and emotions.

And it gets more conplex when kids and/or major financial commitments are added to the mix. After my wife's affair, I stayed because I was not going to have my children exposed to a revolving door of stepfather or casual partners. I paid a price, but I think I made the right choice. 

Point being, a marriage impacts many people. You have to decide whether the welfare of any children is more or less important than your sexual and emotional urges.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I thought better of you, bandit! There were peer-reviewed papers in the list I provided, so try again. Your ignorance of the facts is showing, and the best you can do is attack the media (which sometimes does report accurately - or is it only accurate if YOU agree with it)?


Two things.

1) Psychologytoday has been pushing pro-open marriage stuff for a few years now. There's an obvious bias there.

2) The media in this country is clearly biased. 90% have liberal viewpoints and push liberal culture change concepts. 

3) Too many academics live in an academic shell and don't see clearly what is going on around them in society. They stick too much to theory and research and not what's practical. I know you are going to object to this one of course but I think the climate change lie and the bias in political coverage by the mainstream media and academics are pure examples of this.

Now off my soapbox. I agree with bandit


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I have a non monogamous marriage. We have played with others as a couple but I have had about 11 girlfriends of my own in our 40+ year marriage. My wife says that she does not get jealous because she knows that I would never leave her. I have watched her have sex with the husband of our best friends and not one twinge of jealousy. When she has sex with other men, it is all business. Maybe if it is a good friend, she will give him a little kiss now and then but she is after her orgasm and not making love.

My wife even set me up with her girlfriends to keep me from dating woman outside of the house. She was fine cooking dinner while I was having sex with her girlfriend upstairs in the bedroom. She even brought us drinks. Eventually I asked her to join me and her best friend after her gf and I had sex. She did and liked it and invited her girlfriend to live and love with us. We gave her a room of her own and she was part of our marriage for 30 years. I had full access to her gf with or without my wife but my wife loves FFM threesomes the best so that is what we mostly did. Afterwards I would have one on one sex with each of them as that was more intimate.

My wife did not like having sex with other men after a year or two so she said that I was more than enough man for her and never wanted to have sex with another guy again, and she has not. She is happy with me and our girlfriend in her life and has no desire for anyone else. She is an old fashioned one guy, one woman kind of gal. 

Our girlfriend dated other men for the first 7 years before she got married to a guy who was OK with sharing her with us. I dated other women but it was just sex to me. A few fell in love with me and I had to cut them loose. One stalked me until I moved. After AIDS was known about, I cut out most of my dating outside of our poly triad. I did date a few woman but did not have sex with them. I just liked them as friends but they always wanted more so those relationships never lasted long.

We are married over 40 years when all of our friends and siblings are divorce once or more times. We think it is crazy to have to destroy all that you built as a couple just because you want to have sex with someone else and yet that is what happens to those who believe in serial monogamy. It all boils down to fear of losing your spouse to someone who may be better in bed or elsewhere. Insecurity breeds jealousy and that is an ancient and powerful emotion that makes people crazy enough to kill. Humans do not share well at all.

We have learned that sex can just be sex and that you can love more than one person without first destroying your existing love. People ask me how can I love my wife if I have sex with others and sometimes love them. I ask them how can they love their mother without destroying their love for their father and siblings. My wife and I loved our girlfriend very deeply and she loved us. If we could have married her, we would have. I only loved one other woman and almost left my wife for her but i came to my senses and went back to my wife just like she knew I would.

We are in our sixties and have a more active sex life than most our age. We still engage in fetish sex once in a while when sex gets boring. My wife is having the best orgasms of her life but I have ED now so sex is mostly for her pleasure and I get a lot of pleasure out of pleasing her. The funny thing is that probably like you, we never thought about our lifestyle as anything but normal. I was the lifestyle we lived from the day we married so it was all we knew. I was lucky that my wife is bi and likes to share. She only likes females for sex. For marriage, dating and romance, it has to be a man. She has had sex with our girlfriend over 5000 times and yet will not even kiss her gf on the cheek or hug her outside of the bedroom. They are not romantic with each other, only with me. It worked for us and we had lots of fun going out as a threesome. I would be lying if I said that I did not enjoy walking into a nice club with a hot woman on each arm, wearing sexy dresses that I bought for them every time we went clubbing. My wife is a 36C and our girlfriend is a 38EE, so we got a lot of attention. The men gave me a thumbs up but the woman just gave me dirty looks.

My wife and I agree that if we had a monogamous marriage, we would have divorced a long time ago. We allowed each other sexual freedom. I did not try to own her body. I will also say that love is better when you know that you spouse can date anyone else in the world and does date some but always come home to you and choose to be with you and no one else, not due to religious beliefs, societies definition of marriage or personal morals. My wife is with me because she loves me more than any other guy or girl she has been with in over 40 years.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Why is it the assumption that monogamous couples feel that they "owe" their partner's bodies?

I go to work and we have a contract about appropriate behavior at work, but I am not "owned" by my work. To all extents and purposes, I agreed to work there and work agreed to pay me. 

I do not owe my partner but we have entered into a common agreement about what behavior's we find appropriate and where our boundaries are. Even poly people do this. You still have boundaries. You wouldn't accept your partner drawing a weapon on you etc....

I do not force my partner to be monogamous. If he wishes to cheat then he cheats and I make my decision of what I want to do with MY life not forcing him to do something. He simply broke the contract we had but he is free to break or keep it. I don't force him.


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