# Lost in Paradise...



## Mr. T (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi all and good day to you.

My wife and I started dating 7 years ago and were married 8/13/11. Since about Thanksgiving there has seemed to be a tension between us. More like a lack of communication as I sensed something was wrong. I tried to talk to her about it but she would say things are fine.

She found out she had to have a major surgery to remove fibroid tumors back in December and I though the tension was due to this, so I just took a deep breath and remained calm.

A few weeks ago she came clean and said she had a lot of stuff going on in her head about us and her life and that she wasn't ready to talk to me about it before when I asked.

Now she says things like 'were we ever in love or were we just friends that decided to get married?', 'I am emotionally detached', and they she hasn't felt connected since the wedding.

I feel like our once passionate relationship has taken a complete nose dive in the last few months and don't know how to stop it. I love her more than anything but it seems a few months lacking communication have ruined 6.5 years of excitment.

She is going to talk to someone but I feel like that is making it worse. I feel like all this time off of work (for the surgery) has allowed her to go back in our time together and find things that support her opinion - like me waiting 3 years to get engaged.

I can't change things like that but I told her I would not have got engaged/married if I didn't want her - forever.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated...after all I am just a guy.

-Mr. T


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Mr. T:



> after all I am just a guy


 Hey, you're not 'just a guy'...you're a guy who's suddenly been hit by an emotional Mack truck!!!!!

Something sure changed for your wife...right after she said "I do." Since YOU have no idea what it is, and she is NOT forthcoming the only recourse left is counseling. Don't look at it as an opportunity to


> go back in our time together and find things that support her opinion


 A GOOD counselor will dig out the REAL problem(s) your wife is having, make her own up to HER part in it, and suggest strategies for change (including improved communication.)



> it seems a few months lacking communication have ruined 6.5 years of excitment


 This is NOT true. There is NO WAY that this entire 180 degree turn-around is because you two haven't talked. YOU said she started being unhappy/different about 3.5 months into the marriage! Surely you were 'communicating' just fine at that point.

Don't make yourself nuts. Don't try to take the responsibility/decide what the problem. Until SHE comes to you and tells you what HER problem is...it is all on HER. All you can do is wait, continue to love her, and see if her problem(s) is something that continued communication (and maybe some guidance for her or both of you) can fix.

Hang tough for a bit, Mr. T.


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## Mr. T (Apr 23, 2012)

Well along with a lack of communication (or direct result of) came decreased fooling around/love making. Again I thought this was more in relation to her surgery (as it was down there). I just feel like all of a sudden we started talking about the problem and I am super excited - to get back to where we once were and to get back to working as a couple. 

My drive for her right now is through the roof and she seems like she wants no part of it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Just a guess here, but maybe, because she's so ambivalent, she doesn't want to have sex because (a) she's not sure she wants to stay in the relationship or (b) she doesn't want to feel like she's leading you on....acting like everything is fine/back to normal when it clearly is NOT so for her.

Dunno, just a guess....


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## Mr. T (Apr 23, 2012)

It seems like she just says she doesn't know what she wants. It is frustrating because I tried to talk about this disconnect numerous times and then thought it was the surgery bringing on these feelings. It also seems like when she talks to the therapist it just confirms her thoughts (like waiting 3 years to get engaged) that we were never in love. I feel like if your wants you can go back and take any situation and make it negative. I feel like we finally talked about itbut her mind is already set.

As far as love making is concerned the problem that she had (fibroid tumors) caused pain and discomfort for months - heck I would even say going back to the wedding.


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## Mr. T (Apr 23, 2012)

Well last night she was warm and receptive to me. We watched TV and had a few laughs as well. She was going to bed and come over to kiss me goodnight and tell me 'I love you'. About 10 minutes later she came out of the bedroom and said she was going to sleep in the guest room.

I just dont get it we had a nice little evening - she even said so - then went to sleep in the other room.


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## Mr. T (Apr 23, 2012)

Last night she slept in the guest room as well. Yesterday evening I came home from work and asked her if I could get her anything and she responded with 'a kiss'.

It seems like her mind is going back and forth on what to do.

Any ideas ???


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