# Husband bought a gun



## lauteaeng

Okay...I'm furious and need someone to help talk me through this! I'm a College Teacher. My husband (a Navy Chaplain (yes, a minister) told me he wanted to get a gun (because his coworker got one) right after the Colorado Theater massacre six months ago. I said...no...I don't like guns and I don't want one in the house. We have a 4 year old son and have heard of too many accidents with guns. My husbands very own cousin shot himself in the chest last Friday and the funeral is today. (IRONIC THAT I FIND OUT TODAY my husband has had a gun this whole time!) All those months ago, I said, if you get one..please keep it at your mom's house or wherever else..not here. So, all these months he's pretended he does not have a gun and today I find out that he has had one the whole time and has kept it in his office at work. Now, I just found out (through his Amazon acct) that he's had a gun for months and kept it at his work. He's been lying to me this whole time....and pretending he does not have a gun...but that he might someday want one.

Would not be so hard if this was the first lie in our marriage but there have been so many others. Lies about Porn use, lies about where he was going on his business trips...I really don't think he can be married. He wants to be FREE to do what he wants whenever he wants to do it! He has a total double standard. I just don't trust him anymore.

Now I'm wondering how many times he's been to shooting ranges and practicing with this gun and not telling me about it. Why does it feel like this gun is another woman?

The WEIRD thing is that when we first met he told me he was against guns and could never be a hunter and would never want a gun in the house. Why the sudden change? I don't get it?

What do you think? HELP! (Sorry for rambling but I'm just so angry!)


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## Madman1

Because MEN like guns!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, HA, HA , HA , HA!

But lying, thats not good, there is somthing wrong in the dynamic of your relationship(it may not just be him) and he has a lack of character especially for a chaplain (that is just him).

You two need to come to grips with who you are!


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## Prodigal

I understand your anger. It has a lot more to do with just owning a gun. My husband is a retired Army officer. Guns were always in our home. However, we both knew how to use, and respect, firearms. When hubs went off the deep end after his last deployment, I removed all guns from our house. 

Just because your husband is a minister doesn't mean he won't lie or be free from viewing porn, among any number of other vices. He's a human being first, and a minister second. But ongoing lies about a multitude of issues? Uh, this isn't the type of chaplain I would have felt comfortable talking with. 

There are bad cops, bad doctors, and bad ministers, even though we wish people in these professions who pursue the higher ground when it comes to morals and ethics.

I think the gun is just the icing on the cake. Was your husband deployed to the Mideast prior to purchasing a gun? Any chance he has PTSD? Have you noticed other changes in his character?


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## unbelievable

Where's the lie? You told him if he were to get one that you wanted him to keep it someplace other than your home. It's at his office. Do you screen all your purchases through him? He's a law-abiding adult. It's his right to own a weapon. Some would argue it's his duty. I would certainly hope he's been to the shooting range. Owning a weapon one wasn't trained with would be idiotic. A wife's disapproval isn't a husband's marching order.


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## VFW

You really should not be surprised at his lying and lustful desires. I have yet to find a man or women who has not told a lie or had lustful desires, so that means he is just like the rest of us flawed creatures. As for guns, I know a great many people who own guns. I have owned them since I was 13 years old, though you would never no it if you visited my home. More people get hurt and killed with cars every day and yet you continue to operate one every day. 

If he is a Navy Chaplain and he is keeping a personal firearm at work, that is a problem, not having one in his home. You have to understand there is nothing wrong, legally or socially with his behavior, this is more about your phobia. Still if this is a die on the sword issue for you then so be it, do what you feel compelled to do, but don't project it as something he has done wrong.


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## lauteaeng

The LIE is a LIE! The Lie is that he's been pretending (and stating clearly) that he does not have a gun this whole time! The other day we passed by a gun show and I said:

"Why don't you go look for a gun there." He said..."I thought about that." What he should have said was...."I already bought one."

A few weeks ago at our 4 year old's birthday party I said in front of my dad: "Honey...I think my dad would let you keep a gun at his house if you buy one." Trying to be a supportive wife since he wanted one so badly.

He said, "that's a good idea--I'll consider that when I buy one." when he should have said, "I already bought one and it's in my office....it has been there for 7 months now."

You see....a lie of omission and pretending IS STILL A LIE! 

Like when he told me he had to go on a business trip for 7 days but I find out later it was only 5 days...where was he the last 2 days???

Like when he told me he was no longer looking at porn in our house (and he had told the counselor he was not doing it anymore as well) because he can't perform in bed when he's addicted to porn... and then I find it all over his computer and he's actually doing it in the car! (Well, I guess the car is not in the house so he's not lying in your book?) YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

A LIE IS A LIE IS A LIE!

In my book he's replaced the gun for porn and like the previous military wife stated...this is about control and something deeper. He does have PTSD, he's on anti-depressants, his father died a horrible death of Pancreatic cancer...all just before he bought the gun. If he can't self-medicate with porn anymore he can self medicate with the thrill of having a secret gun and firing it in secret.

I feel sorry for him and for my son. Did you know if he had been honest on his gun application that he has a history of depression and he's on anti-depressants they would not have sold him the gun?


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## lauteaeng

HE HAS DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG:

1. LIED TO HIS WIFE WHO WAS JUST BEGINNING TO TRUST HIM!

2. KEPT A FIREARM (ILLEGALLY) at a military installation...AGAINST THE LAW!

3. LIED ON A FIREARM PERMIT when he has a serious history of PTSD and DEPRESSION...and is on Anti-Depressents.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> All those months ago, I said, *if you get one*..please keep it at your mom's house or wherever else..not here. So, all these months he's pretended he does not have a gun and today I find out that he has had one the whole time and has kept it in his office at work...He's been lying to me this whole time....and pretending he does not have a gun...but that he might someday want one.


Note: emphasis MINE

I really DON'T get the anger about the gun. You told him "if" he got one (acknowledging that he MIGHT) he needed to keep it somewhere else. He got one; he kept it somewhere else.

He DID lie by omission, but considering the big deal you're making out of an action that you ACKNOWLEDGED he might do AND were apparently begrudgingly accepting of (IF you buy it, put it somewhere else), I can see WHY.

Have you and H been to marriage counseling? I think it would do you BOTH a world of good to learn how to communicate HONESTLY (on his part) and without judgement (on YOUR part).


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## homebuilder

WTF a gun has never killed anybody, just bad people or careless people with a gun. Here's a idea if someone breaks into your house you might want that gun to keep him from raping you and killing your child, or maybe you can ask the nice criminal to just leave. gimme a break I have never lived in a house that didn't have firearms but we were taught to respect them. My son knew from the time he could walk not to play with certain things. I know I know those evil guns go around killing people well I wonder how many people get killed in car accidents everyday of how many people you could kill with a car on purpose, maybe we should just outlaw cars. People fear what they don't understand. You don't want to own a gun thats fine more for me. I personally could not lay down and sleep at night knowing I had no way of protecting my family.


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## lauteaeng

Unbelievable, VFW, Homebuilder, and Slowly Getting Wiser: You four don't seem to understand that my husband is not the kind of man who should have a gun. HE's not normal emotionally like you! He can't control his anger, he has severe depression, etc... He's been in war zones, seen too much death, too many suicides, pulled too many dead bodies from the water, etc...diagnosed with PTSD.I have good reason not to want a gun in ths house. I'm afraid for my life and the life of my child and that my husband MIGHT want to commit suicide and kill us too! (These are the images that came to my head when he first told me he wanted to buy one.) Would you let a spouse like that bring a gun into your house? I THINK NOT!


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## lauteaeng

At least if it was at my dad's house or at another location, he would have to go through someone else before he gets it if he plans to hurt himself or us! (Think about the position I'm in?) Trying to be supportive of my husband's desire to be like all other guys, but trying to protect him and my family because I know his DARK SIDE.)


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## homebuilder

If i thought my wife was suicidal and homicidal I would probably get her some help and I'd still keep the gun.


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## homebuilder

Why don't you get the gun and keep it.


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## lauteaeng

Good for you! But I'm not you...and I can choose not to have a gun in my house. Judge me all you want! It's our lives (and the life of my 4 year old) are more important and precious than a man's need for a gun. We have plenty of protection in our house. We have a Tazer gun, knives (many knives), bats, alarm system, Personal Alarms, Mace...I don't need anything else.

All of you men are acting like a wife has no say...but I do...women do have rights. A man and wife have to agree about having a firearm in a house. It can't be a one sided decision. Mutual respect, compromise. The way I compromised was to say..keep it somewhere else and enjoy shooting with the boys. I did not say, "keep is somewhere else and LIE ABOUT IT!"


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## lauteaeng

Why don't I get the gun and keep it? I DO NOT WANT A GUN IN THE HOUSE! My grandfather accidentally shot is brother. My neighbor's 10 year old son accidentally shot a friend (playing with the gun while parent's were at work)....I'm sorry....I don't trust my husband with a gun and I don't trust my son won't find it one day and have an accident.


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## VFW

This is part of the problem with this media, the way information is conveyed. You are obviously stressed and if you look at your initial post, which is what we responded to, has been drastically modified with your last two posts. You have upped the ante on both. For example the original post is just a man buying a gun to a guy who has anger management issues and is manic owning a gun. The original post had a guy looking at dirty pictures to someone exposing themselves in public. I am not criticizing you here, but you can see my point.

I think you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself seriously if you fear for your or your family's safety. If you do then you need to report this. Make sure this is not a reaction to your hatred of guns. If this is just a irreconcilable difference than you may be better off terminating the relationship. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## homebuilder

Ever had anybody in your family killed in a car wreck? Nobody said women didn't have rights. If the criminal breaks into your house with a gun none of those things will be worth a crap. Burglar alarms are to slow you'd be dead before the cops got there. I own guns and if my wife said I couldn't I wouldn't have a wife. You should take a self defense class and a gun class. Most of the time accidents with guns happen because of lack on knowledge and being careful. I"ve owned guns all my life and lived with guns all my life and I've never had an accident because it was beat in my head to be careful


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## lauteaeng

I did not reveal the nitty gritty in the first post because it's embarrassing for me to talk about my husband's dark side and would not have even brought it up if the other military wife had not asked the question about PTSD. All issues like this are a combination of many factors and it's multi-sided and multi-dimensional. That's okay...just like you guys all assumed he's a normal guy without issues. The opposite is true he has an addictive personality and problems with depression. I am a MAMA BEAR PROTECTING HER FAMILY and will do whatever it takes to protect them! If it means that my husband chooses a gun over us (his wife and child) then I will divorce him. If I have to have a gun in the house to be married to him..then I don't want to be married to him anymore. (SIMPLE!)


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## RandomDude

I live in Australia so our gun laws are much stricter, don't know what I would do in the U.S. myself, when everyone can be legally armed. So much for using fists when everyone can just pull out a gun. Still...

He did NOT have the gun in your house, and you can't really say tell men off when it comes to our hobbies. But, you mentioned other lies, porn, his business trips; he must have a reason for all of this.

Personally it looks like you've convinced him that he can't be transparent with you, considering your temper now - if he gets a gun, he gets yelled at, if he looks at porn, he gets yelled at, and when it comes to his business trips -> there must be a reason why he doesn't want to tell you so he doesn't get yelled at.

But that's just my opinion


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## 827Aug

Oh the irony. In my area the Evangelicals carry a Bible in one hand and a gun in the other hand. What would Jesus do? We are throughly missing something here.


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## RandomDude

> In my area the Evangelicals carry a Bible in one hand and a gun in the other hand.


Are you freakin serious? Oh hell and I thought the evangelicals here are bad, at least they aren't freakin armed with guns!


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## homebuilder

I'm a christian that doesn't mean I shouldn't protect myself. I have just as much right to own a gun as you have the right to not. I don't expect someone else to protect my family and I will. criminals are criminals and I don't plan on being a victim. The media tells you all about the gun carrying nuts but don't tell you all the crime guns stop. My brother in law walked in on a armed robbery a year ago this week and was shot, but someone else in the store had a gun and was able to shoot at the robber, until the cops got there. The people being robbed brother in law included said if it wasn't for that they all believed he was going to execute all of them. Now we could just make guns ilegall and nobody would have them except drugs are ilegal and they still have them. Stict gun laws on disarm the innocent not the criminal


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## 827Aug

RandomDude said:


> Are you freakin serious? Oh hell and I thought the evangelicals here are bad, at least they aren't freakin armed with guns!


I'm very serious. It is disturbing to me. It's not the Christianity I want to be a part of.


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## RandomDude

homebuilder said:


> Stict gun laws on disarm the innocent not the criminal


I've been on both sides of the law in my youth, there are still illegal arms of course, but it's not easy to get to. One has to jump through hoops to even get a piece, and many petty criminals don't want to even get involved with the people who sell these arms. As such, you see much more of knives, machetes, pipes being used. Still, I can defend myself and my family against anything but guns.

I don't know which system is better, there's too many massacres in the U.S. that shouldn't have happened IMO.



> I'm very serious. It is disturbing to me. It's not the Christianity I want to be a part of.


So it's now it's conversion at gunpoint! Heh
I'll probably end up shot in your area then lol


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## lauteaeng

The reason he lies is for CONTROL and it's something he witnessed as a child. Quit blaming me for his behavior....he's never been honest with any woman in his whole life. (I've talked to his exes..he lied to all of them)..and yes I chose to marry him regardless and stay with him anyway because of our child. The reason he acts like this is TWO FOLD...1: HE was single until age 45 and never had to compromise and always did whatever he wanted. 2. He has "MOTHER/FATHER ISSUES"...his mother has controlled him his whole life and still tries to control him. He tries to make me his "mother"...when I'm not his mother. I work and compromise with him....I have tried to find middle ground in terms of porn and gun and even other issue we have had. Tried to work things out. However, he still acts like a scared little child because his mother abused him..and he was afraid to tell his mother anything so he lied to her and still lies to her. He brought that pattern of behavior into our marriage and now it's destroying our marriage. His father lied to his wife their whole marriage and had a "secret life" and I see my husband trying to do some of the same things in our marriage because he grew up thinking that was "NORMAL" behavior in a marriage...to have secrets. It's not normal..it's distructive. His mother stayed with his father and looked the other way. I don't have to...I have ego strength and can say no to his dysfunction.  Thanks everyone for processing! I'm feeling so much better. Some of the crazy, clueless, and onesided comments people said on here really put things into perspective for me!  My 4 year old son is wondering where daddy is tonight. My husband left cause he was embarrassed I found out about the gun and that he lied and he now has to find another hiding place for it..he's afraid someone might find it at his work. Our son is crying in the other room. What do I tell him? The truth is...daddy made a BIG MESS with his lies and now our son is going to suffer as a result. I will protect my son from the truth...I will just tell him daddy had to work tonight and I'll make tomorrow on of the best days ever for my son!


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## Mavash.

The way you are screaming at us in ALL CAPS shows me how angry you are and that quite frankly scares me.

I understand completely why he lied to you. I'd lie to you as well to avoid your wrath.


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## RandomDude

Reminds me of this:

http://thebaltimorechop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/hiding-from-wife-bar-phone-rates.jpg


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## Mavash.

It's funny you call him controlling and yet you're the one trying to control him.


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## moxy

As long as he is taking safety precautions so that your child doesn't have access to the fun and isn't ignorant about its danger, the real issue is the deceit and disrespect. It sounds like he just lies so he doesn't have to face disagreement or conflict about what he wants to do. That send immature, to me. Have you told him that you know the truth? Tried to get him to talk to you about your feelings of betrayal about his lie? Dunno if it would do any good, but why not try?

Of course, please make sure that you and your child get yourselves educated about gun safety.


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## lauteaeng

Oh God...none of you know either of us! So you are going to call me controlling and angry cause I use CAPS? Now, gentlemAn...you are getting really immature. (Did you see I used a cap there...now, don't mistake that for control or anger...LOL!) I'm regretting I ever started this conversation. Makes me wonder if you have some of his same issues with lying and that's why you are getting so defensive and defending his lies? Make me wonder what you have lied about in your relationships? Let's put a period on this discussion.  You can have the last word!


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## lauteaeng

(Above message was for Mavash....)

Moxy...yes, I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face about how if there is no trust (with his deceit and dishonesty) then there is no REAL marriage. He has a blind spot about it...he think's that withholding information is not lying but it is. He rationalizes his behavior.....I think it was because he saw his dad lie to his mother their whole marriage. I feel sad for him but it does not mean I have to babysit him any longer.


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## RandomDude

I do have to agree with Mavash though but that's just my impression

We're not defending his lies at all - we are trying to make you see both sides. You can't expect transparency if you blow up in his face all the time. However you know your marriage better than us, so if it's due to his family issues/compromising issues, then has he sought professional help?


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## lauteaeng

I don't blow up in his face all the time...what are you guys talking about? You have no clue!! Are you here? Do you live in my house? Do you know me? (Maybe your wife blows up in your face?...I feel a lot of projection going on here?) 

We talk about all of this stuff rationally...calmly, quietly! HE CHOOSES TO LIE WHEN HE HAS NO REASON TOO except for the fact that his father did it and he witnessed that behavior!


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## SolidSnake

RandomDude said:


> Are you freakin serious? Oh hell and I thought the evangelicals here are bad, at least they aren't freakin armed with guns!


There is nothing immoral or un-Christian about self defense. What is immoral is the initiation of violence. As long as you are not initiating acts of violence against others, you are not violating anyones rights. This is the non-aggression principle. However, if someone tries to break in to your home to harm you, they are clearly violating your rights. The point of having guns is to protect yourself from violent aggression.


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## lauteaeng

Off to bed..Night Night! My son needs me. Thanks to those of you who gave me solid (non-judgmental) and (non-projection) advice.  Appreciate it!  Thank you to the Army wife and others who understand how hard it is to live with a man with PTSD and those of you who understand my stance against guns in the home...especially with a clinically depressed spouse.


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## Lon

lauteaeng, I will side with you on this one - I do agree with others that the acquisition of the firearm is not a sin, and I too don't have any issues about the responsible ownership of a gun. But I'm not your husband, and I am not in your household - I absolutely agree with you that you have every right to forbid a firearm in your own home if that is what you strongly feel.

As to his mental state, I won't comment on, that is for you, him and any professionals to sort out though I do see that this is something he really wants to pursue, so maybe he can find storage at a gun range or some such thing (I do not know because I do not own any firarms, though there are a few rifles locked up in a cabinet in my brothers room, whom I rent to). In my own opinion, I think this is something you should allow yourself to be comfortable with him exploring if he can communicate his intentions with your better.

It is how he went about this all that is sketchy, and I sympathize with you having to deal with it. It is a lie, however instead of using his lies to impose your own will on this situation, use it to work on opening communication, a marriage requires 100% trust in each other, and lies seriously harm that. He should not have deceived you, instead he should have been firm about his intention to own a gun and reason with you as to the details - that deceptive tactic really needs some serious work in order for your marriage to succeed.


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## RandomDude

> Maybe your wife blows up in your face?...


Yes in fact, and I actually quite enjoy it, she gets so cute when she's angry, but that's just me - I've always been more concerned about her silent treatments heh

Most men however, aren't like me (thankfully, cause I drive women p-ss angry at times heh)



> We talk about all of this stuff rationally...calmly, quietly! HE CHOOSES TO LIE WHEN HE HAS NO REASON TOO except for the fact that his father did it and he witnessed that behavior!


Well as I mentioned before, has he sought professional help?


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## Shiksa

After reading the post here, what I read is 
1. you are afraid he will kill you with the gun
2. You question the motive why he bought it.
3. you are afraid your son will be hurt by the gun.


If I were in your position, I would not be able to live with someone that I thought would have thoughts of murdering me. Have you sought IC to figure out what to do about this. The gun is not the real issue here, its the intent with the gun that is.

The safety of the gun can be dealt with easily. Gun safe. Big strong and kids cannot get into them. I have many firearms, but I am not worried about what my H will do with them and if my kids have access to them.


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## RandomDude

> 1. you are afraid he will kill you with the gun


:scratchhead:

Must have missed that post, has her husband actually threatened her with that?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Now, gentlemAn...you are getting really immature. (Did you see I used a cap there...now, don't mistake that for control or anger...LOL!)


Talk about jumping to conclusions...Mavash and I are WOMEN!

I do not presume to speak for Mavash, but I am a woman, a Christian, a gun owner.

Go back and re-read your FIRST post. As another poster pointed out, you started out simply talking about his lie of omission re: the gun then you ramp up and start screaming in capitals at us about how WE DON'T GET IT...he's suicidal, he's homicidal, he's unstable. Well, how WOULD we get it unless you take the time to explain it from the beginning. You might also look at the actual TIME STAMP on the postings. Some of us are typing responses while you're writing more info. We won't be able to see your NEW post until after we post the one we're currently typing.

So please, don't treat us all like we're stupid azz-holes who don't listen and don't get it! You asked for advice, we're trying to give it, and you just want to bash us all in the teeth for not jumping on YOUR bandwagon. It's an internet forum, you've got to accept that you're gonna get a divergent group of opinons. Take what you want, and ignore the rest.


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## EleGirl

lauteaeng said:


> Why don't I get the gun and keep it? I DO NOT WANT A GUN IN THE HOUSE! My grandfather accidentally shot is brother. My neighbor's 10 year old son accidentally shot a friend (playing with the gun while parent's were at work)....I'm sorry....I don't trust my husband with a gun and I don't trust my son won't find it one day and have an accident.


Your neighbor’s 10 year old son accidently shot a friend because his parents are irresponsible gun owners. There are ways to keep guns out of the hands of children. It's really very easy to do. 
Surely you can get a weapon safe, or a trigger lock, etc. 
There are also ways to teach children to be responsible with weapons. I know this because I grew up with an arsenal in my home.. with 7 siblings and we all were taught from day one to respect firearms and how to safely handle them.

My father had PTSD from WWII, the Bataan Death March and years of being a prisoner of war in a Japanese prison camp. And in those days people with PTSD were never medicated. They learned to handle life responsibly.

I've been around weapons all my life and know many many people who own them. Where I grew up we needed them due to revolution, etc. Yet I do not know one person who accidently shot themself for someone else. I do not know of one child who accidently shot another child or another person. THis sort of accident if very very rare. Odd that people around you are shooting each other all over the place.

I bought a shot gun recently for home protection. Nowhere on the form did it ask any questions that would preclude someone like your husband from getting a gun. Yes I keep a shotgun under my bed for protection. I live on a farm with no one living in shouting distance of my home/land.

Your husband in is the military. If he was as wacko as you say he is they would have discharged him.

I’m not trying to beat you up. The point I’m making is that you are all over the place and making accusations and being borderline hysterical about this gun.

As long as you focus on the gun as the problem you will not get your husband’s attention. If a person came at me with the hysteria and anger you have… I’d hide things from them, I’d leave for days if I could and I’d get out of the marriage as soon as I can.

Focus and get a plan of action. Drop the hysteria because you are not going to win any arguments with it. Your issue is that he seems to have a problem with telling the truth.

Has he always been like this?


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## EleGirl

lauteaeng said:


> I did not reveal the nitty gritty in the first post because it's embarrassing for me to talk about my husband's dark side and would not have even brought it up if the other military wife had not asked the question about PTSD. All issues like this are a combination of many factors and it's multi-sided and multi-dimensional. That's okay...just like you guys all assumed he's a normal guy without issues. The opposite is true he has an addictive personality and problems with depression. I am a MAMA BEAR PROTECTING HER FAMILY and will do whatever it takes to protect them! If it means that my husband chooses a gun over us (his wife and child) then I will divorce him. If I have to have a gun in the house to be married to him..then I don't want to be married to him anymore. (SIMPLE!)


If you divorce him he will have shared custody of your (both of your) child and he will own a gun and have it in the house.

While divorce will obviously remove some very big stressors from your life it will not remove a gun (and possibly more of them) from your son's life.

So you will need to deal with the gun issue no matter what.


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## EleGirl

lauteaeng said:


> Oh God...none of you know either of us! So you are going to call me controlling and angry cause I use CAPS? Now, gentlemAn...you are getting really immature. (Did you see I used a cap there...now, don't mistake that for control or anger...LOL!) I'm regretting I ever started this conversation. Makes me wonder if you have some of his same issues with lying and that's why you are getting so defensive and defending his lies? Make me wonder what you have lied about in your relationships? Let's put a period on this discussion.  You can have the last word!


In email, on forums, etc the use of ALL CAPS is considered YELLING.


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## EleGirl

lauteaeng said:


> I don't blow up in his face all the time...what are you guys talking about? You have no clue!! Are you here? Do you live in my house? Do you know me? (Maybe your wife blows up in your face?...I feel a lot of projection going on here?)
> 
> We talk about all of this stuff rationally...calmly, quietly! HE CHOOSES TO LIE WHEN HE HAS NO REASON TOO except for the fact that his father did it and he witnessed that behavior!


I have lived in a home with no yelling my entire life. I do not yell.

But your posts feel like you are yelling and out of control. It's agitating. This is what we are trying to get across. There are three sides to every story.. yours, his and the truth. 

Seldom in a marriage is one person 100% a bad guy and the other a saint.


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## Entropy3000

I will comment on part of the issue here.

First off, I own a gun for protection of my family. Always have. Always will. It would do me no good to leave it somewhere else. I get that people have hobbies and could house their weapons elsewhere. That said that is asking someone else to be responsible for your weapon. That seems odd to me but whatever works for folks.

Now to the real issue here. This is one of those agreement things. You know between couples. So having a weapon in the house would be something I would hope a couple agrees upon before or at least early in the marriage. Certainly before children. 

So if he lied about the weapon then I have a problem with him for that. Him having a weapon seems very normal to me. If I were him I would have worked it out with my wife. I probably would not have married a woman who held that view. I am not a sportsman but I will defend my family in the way I see fit. Fortunately where I live it is my legal right. I see myself as responsible for my family.

But indeed the parameters of the discussion have jumped around quite a bit.

But if one is afraid of their spouse then indeed that is the issue. I am not defending any lying. Lying is being unfaithful. 

Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Must have missed that post, has her husband actually threatened her with that?


She has not said that he threatened to kill her. 


He has depression and PTSD so she thinks he might kill her and their child. Or that he's capable of it. Or something like that ....


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## EleGirl

On thing that strikes me is that he respected the OP's unilateral demand that there be no guns in the home.

He's a adult man and has the right to his hobbies, to own a gun, etc.

His choice of where he kept the weapon is not wise. But that can be remedied.

I don’t see her giving him any credit all for respecting her demands of no weapons in the house.


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## RandomDude

> I don’t see her giving him any credit all for respecting her demands of no weapons in the house.


Agreed, I noticed that too


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## Madman1

Seriously, this started out as,


lauteaeng; said:


> Husband bought a gun,
> Okay...I'm furious and need someone to help talk me through this!


Talk about asking the wrong questions, wow.

There really is somthing wrong in the dynamic of your relationship.

And so you say


lauteaeng; said:


> I did not reveal the nitty gritty in the first post because it's embarrassing for me to talk about my husband's dark side !


Really , what kind of answer did you want?
How to help you not be furious? How to get him to get rid of the gun? How to help him have an epiphany about lying?

Your situation is much more difficult than I could have imagined, and you are trying to cope with it as best you can, however co-dependently it may be.




lauteaeng; said:


> If I have to have a gun in the house to be married to him..then I don't want to be married to him anymore. (SIMPLE!)


Really you are gong to play the divorce card to get rid of the gun all the while ignoring his larger issues?

Its your life, and I admire your commitment to your kid, and now that I know more about him, to your husband as well, but why not use that "SIMPLE" answer of divorce to induce him to deal with his issues in IC?

You will probably win the gun fight with the divorce threat, but I hope you can think about calling him out and pulling the trigger on his need to deal with his issues and improve the relationship in the longterm.

BTW what does the fact that "I'm a College Teacher." have to do with this?


----------



## unbelievable

When he announced his desire to purchase a weapon, what was the OP's response to him? "No!" Now, imagine she felt strongly about wanting to make some purchase or do something and mentioned it to her husband and his response was to FORBID her!. The OP admits she doesn't "like" guns. He's still in the military, so the U.S. Government's position is that he's not too nuts to be around firearms. I'll wager there's never been a warrior who's experienced real combat that didn't emerge from the experience with some adverse mental effects. Porn isn't my cup of tea, but I'm an adult and if I wanted to look at porn, I'd look at porn. My wife is free to not like it and we can talk about it, but she's not been promoted to my commander. She doesn't have the authority to forbid me to do anything. Rather than come unglued that the guy sometimes isn't 100% truthful, it might be more helpful to wonder why he doesn't feel he can tell his wife the truth. If the truth will logically result in a ball busting, it's not hard to imagine why she doesn't always get it. Seems to me this Navy Officer has been stuck between a rock and a hard place. He has only three undesirable options. He can either submit to her will and be treated as a disrespected child, he can divorce her (which wouldn't be financially advantageous or career-enhancing, or he can find little secret ways to exert his autonomy.


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## 827Aug

It just seems to me your husband is living a "conflicted" life. The issues run much deeper than gun or no gun. He's a minister and struggles with porn and truthfulness--among other things.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't mind guns, hubby has several. I'm all for him getting a new one even though he bought a new handgun a few years ago. We keep them high and locked up except the one in our room, we keep that hidden in a locked box. The guns are never loaded unless being used.

I myself, would love to learn the safety, use, and learn how to shoot. For personal reasons. We raised one child to an adult and my other two are growing fast. They never seen the guns unless its hunting time and brought to the car.

I also wanted to add that my husband served his 8 years in the military. I knew his gun interest prior to marriage.


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## Halien

827Aug said:


> It just seems to me your husband is living a "conflicted" life. The issues run much deeper than gun or no gun. He's a minister and struggles with porn and truthfulness--among other things.


I agree, but there are also possibly some conflicting background pressures going on that will only make it harder for a couple to reach consensus. He is a navy chaplain. Its likely that many of his friends and coworkers consider gun ownership to be a natural, while she, as a college teacher, likely works in a very different environment. Me, I tend to initially get very upset if I find out that I've been like to by someone close to me, but then we inevitably have to take a step back and consider the circumstances. Everybody has problems, and given some of the problems that the OP has alluded to, it is entirely possible that some of the things that he has sought to accept as his standards in marriage are not as common with his coworkers. I'm not defending him, but I think it is unfair that many have read entirely too much into the OP's short post about her own motivations. She is dealing with a very complex issue - one where he likely committed to certain stances, but later found it very hard to stay true to them. Taking an honest assessment of the differences in their lives at work and with their friends there might help them understand the pressures he has faced, the potential support he may need for depression or PTSD, and at least get them to the place where they can begin to talk about a path forward.


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## MrK

lauteaeng said:


> Like when he told me he had to go on a business trip for 7 days but I find out later it was only 5 days...where was he the last 2 days???


Good question. What did he say?


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## lauteaeng

Geezzz..you guys are just so determined to get me back into this conversation. LOL!  Basically, I'm taking it off the board and am talking to the Army Wife only (above) because she knows the road I'm on and understands it. 

When I asked him that...He said, "why do I have to tell you everything." I said, BECAUSE WE ARE MARRIED and that's what married people do!" They don't keep secrets....create doubt...create mis-trust!" He has a double standard. He has to know where I'm at and what I'm doing at all time but he can lie, keep secrets, etc...in a moment I will send the e-mail I sent him last night. I told him not to come home and he respected my wishes. I don't want him here anymore.


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## Madman1

He's out, problem solved! Simple!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lauteaeng

Here's the e-mail I sent to his military address last night. He'll get it first thing this morning:
___________________________________________________________
Dear _____,

I'm having the locks changed on the house today. I'll have your clothes all packed up and you can come get them at an arranged time. I'll have them out front in suitcases.

I can no longer live with a man who has deceived me over and over again for no good reason except that these "small things" (porn, motorcycle rides, extra days on business trips, guns") are more important to you than your wife and child. I no longer feel loved and respected in this marriage and want to be on my own. Without trust there can be no marriage and you really screwed up. For years I excused your lies (oh..he just does not know how to be married....has never had to live with someone else...depression...PTSD....controlling mother...lying/addicted father). But, now I see that deceit it just a pattern for you that will never change regardless of the root causes in your soul. I'm always finding something...bet I have only found 1/2 of the lies out there you have told me. I'm realizing you are a compulsive liar. I'm so HURT, unbearably wounded. I have no more to give...no more forgiveness...no more patience...no more heart left. I've realized after 10 years, you are not going to change. I hope your freedom and all the porn, women, guns, and motorcycles is all you dreamed it would be! You no longer have to compromise or talk things out or lie! YOU CAN FINALLY BE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! Your son will be forever affected by his father's selfishness but that's your fault and not mine. It's too bad a simple life with a beautiful wife and child was not enough for you...that WE were not enough for you...that sex with me was not enough for you. When you are 80 years old and dying...I hope your motorcycle, guns, and porn comfort you!

I can change my life for the better and living alone is better than living with a man I don't trust. I thought about continuing our marriage and just paying you back with deceit myself (just to show you how it feels to be deceived (revenge) --but I don't live that way. I'd rather have peace and I'd rather take the higher road.. Now (suddenly) it's become abundantly clear why you are always accusing me of deceit and lying when I'm always doing exactly what I say I'm doing: It's BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GUILTY CONSCIENCE AND are LYING to me ALL THE TIME for months on end over and over and over and all the while smiling, laughing, and making love to me! WHAT a Fool I have been!

That this GUN meant so much to you that you would risk your job to keep a gun at your work is appalling to me. That you would risk our marriage and time with your son is appalling. That you would involve your co-workers in the deceit by letting them sign for Amazon packages with gun stuff for you is also disgusting. I'm disgusted by your behavior and your deceit. That you would keep this a secret from me makes me wonder if my first inclination was true all along...that your real purpose to buy a gun was to shoot me when I least expected it...and pretend you never had a gun because there was not proof (until I found the proof today). And to top it all off, I see you have bought two guns...was one a cover for the second one? If you used one to hurt me...would the other one be a decoy for the police? Obviously, I just don't trust you at all! All the betrayals in the last 10 years has accumulated in a complete and utter destruction of every feeling I once had for you!

You can see Ronald every other weekend from Friday after Taekwondo until Sunday after I'm finished working. You can also come take him to Taekwondo on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he has it and to dinner afterward. I'll make sure Brad has him ready for you. I will have Ronald for Christmas weekend this year and you can have him for New Years weekend.

Believe me, this is all you will get if you hire a lawyer and we both know lawyers are a waste of money because the judge will always side with the mother. I'm being very generous. You might as well take the easy route. It's going to be a very interesting Holiday Season this year...and I'm looking forward to the New Year. We can talk again in the New Year about the future and where we each want to live.

________


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## sweaty teddy

big time gun owner here.with that said I don't believe someone with ptsd should EVER own a gun.guns are for people who don't have mental problems and are possibly unstable.

you did the right thing by being conserned about your lying unstable husband owning a gun. These are the people who slip through the cracks and then in a fit of unstable rage do bad things like kill there wife and kids .

again I have guns and have children and its not a problem if the parents are responsible gun owners. which should include the proper storage of the weapon and ammo. under lock and key.and the proper training on how to actualy use it and clean it properly.

my 10 yr old can shoot a 45 acp and break it down to clean it he understands there not toys and he also know you treat every gun as if its loaded even if someone just cleared the action in front of you and then hands it to you you should make sure it cleared again and always keep it pointed in a safe direction. my theory is if you teach them and don't hide it and let them shoot it then they won't be so inclined to sneak and play with it when your not around. 

another rule is if my kids ask to go shooting if at all possible I stop what were doing and take them to the range. never walked off the firing range with a frown on my face.

guns arnd't for everybody and a health respect for them goes a long way.


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## Lon

OP, wtf? it's really the end of the line for you? Didn't seem like it in any of your posts on this thread. If that is how you defend boundaries I understand a little more why he felt he couldn't tell you that he bought a gun, or that he used porn. One of the other commenters said he was between a rock and a hard place, which I originally disagreed with, but if this is how you reacted to this event what would you have done if he was honest with you but bought a gun anyways?

Anyhow, sorry your marriage is over, however I want to point out that he has every legal right to live in his own home. Changing the locks without giving him a key is not legal, technically. And threatening to keep his kids away from him is low, IMO. If he was smart he'd make you be the one to leave the home and the kids.


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## lauteaeng

Sorry..it is legal in my state.  If I'm afraid for my life...it's totally legal to change the locks and file a restraining order. I'm not threatening to keep his child away from him...on the contrary...I'm giving him more time than any court would ever give him!  I'm giving him a REALLY good deal when he does not deserve it!


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## Thoreau

lauteaeng said:


> Sorry..it is legal in my state.  If I'm afraid for my life...it's totally legal to change the locks and file a restraining order. I'm not threatening to keep his child away from him...on the contrary...I'm giving him more time than any court would ever give him!  I'm giving him a REALLY good deal when he does not deserve it!


There you have it folks....the reason more and more are not marrying today. This woman, with a smile and a wink, can turn her husband out of his home and into a criminal.

With no threat from her husband, she will manufacture a story, express fear to the authorities and have him arrested, defrocked, turned out of his home and end his career.

This is sickening.

On top of that, she wants a pat on the back for being so generous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Template

"Sorry..it is legal in my state.  If I'm afraid for my life...it's totally legal to change the locks and file a restraining order. I'm not threatening to keep his child away from him...on the contrary...I'm giving him more time than any court would ever give him!  I'm giving him a REALLY good deal when he does not deserve it!"

So, let me get this straight in my head.

He has a gun.

You have sent him an email that the marriage is over, he is no longer welcome in his home, and you have changed the locks.

It is legal in your state to do so, as well as file for a restraining order because you fear for your life. 

And yet, you will provide him generous, unsupervised access to your child.

If you believe he is such a threat, why would you allow him to take the child? This does not seem right to me. 

I mean, if you are so worried about his mental state, why would you allow a 4 year old to go with him? Or is this more of a way to make him see what he has to lose and bend to your will?

Marriage is not much more than a lifetime of compromise. If his character flaws preclude him from making the compromises that are important to the marriage, then perhaps it is better to go your separate ways. But to send an email like that just sounds like you are trying to inflict as much pain on him as you are feeling. And you are feeling superior about it because you are providing him with more generous visitation than you believe a court would. Poking a bear is a way to get yourself hurt. Poking a bear with a gun, PTSD, and a host of issues is a real invitation to some serious consequences.


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## unbelievable

The OP is an obvious control freak. She's assigned herself the title of Shrink and feels qualified to know who is and isn't mentally competent to own firearms. Now, she has anointed herself "Judge" and determines child custody arrangements unilaterally as if they were handed down from Sinai on stone tablets. She even believes her terms are more generous than the court's (who have yet to review any evidence). She goes from slightly quirky to insane in her email to him. Accuses the guy of planning her murder and planning a cover-up for the police. I hope this chaplain is smart enough to haul her email into court. Let a judge read how they always side with the mother and how lawyers are a waste of money. The judge may give him custody just to show her who wears the robe.


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## EnjoliWoman

That's what trigger locks and gun safes are for. My gun is in a safe but I can get to if I hear a break in and I pass my panic button on my alarm system on the way to the gun. 

A gun can be safely kept in a home with no danger to children. Your grandfather was not observing basic gun safety rules if he shot someone by accident. I've been shooting since I was a child and my father taught gun safety to boyscouts.

I suggest you go to a range and shoot some guns. I have a female friend who felt like you but after an attempted break in at her home when alone she felt differently. She is trying out different ones at a range and getting familiar and comfortable with them first.


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## Lon

EW, read the whole thread, this isn't about gun ownership.


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## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> Sorry..it is legal in my state.  If I'm afraid for my life...it's totally legal to change the locks and file a restraining order.


It might be legal in your state to file a restraining order, which if granted gives you the legal right to temporarily remove your husband from your home but you can't just decide to change the locks and kick him out because you suddenly feel threatened for no valid reason.



lauteaeng said:


> we both know lawyers are a waste of money because the judge will always side with the mother.


No they don't. Especially when the mother is so unstable as you appear to be. You'll be lucky if you get to see your kids without supervision.



lauteaeng said:


> I see you have bought two guns...was one a cover for the second one? If you used one to hurt me...would the other one be a decoy for the police?


You sound paranoid.


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## Thoreau

Unbelievable.....well said.

Sadly, this is totally believable. Women like this destroy men every day in this country.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

That might fix the gun problem but there would still be porn, motorcycles, chocolate covered peanuts, jazz music, action movies, power tools, and assorted other things she may not like. The position of wife requires a partner, not a boss or a mother.


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## Terry_CO

This thread is a good example of why some men refuse to marry. It's fear that their wife will turn into someone like the OP.

Best of luck, Reverend!


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## sharkeey

unbelievable said:


> I hope this chaplain is smart enough to haul her email into court. Let a judge read how they always side with the mother and how lawyers are a waste of money. The judge may give him custody just to show her who wears the robe.


I know, right? She comes across as nothing short of a raving lunatic, and she put the whole thing into writing! 

Hubby's attorney is going to be all over it.

I bet it's Exhibit A on the response affidavit.

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Yet I do not know one person who accidently shot themself for someone else. I do not know of one child who accidently shot another child or another person. THis sort of accident if very very rare. *Odd that people around you are shooting each other all over the place*.


Amen, sister!


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## lauteaeng

Love you guys (and gals) and thank for your honesty... but until you have walked a mile in my shoes and experienced the deceit and the lies I have (more than I mentioned here...including his hiding 10,000/12,000/8,000 in tax return money and not telling me me about it, finding him on a sex website (yes, he has an addiction)..then you will never understand what brought me to this point. Maybe lying about a gun (or two) seems like nothing to you...but the lies and his depression...that I've experienced are so painful. I doubt he will hurt our son...but I have good reason to believe he might hurt me. (Don't box me in with crazy women out there...because I'm totally justified to do what I'm doing and YOU KNOW IT!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> He has a double standard. He has to know where I'm at and what I'm doing at all time but he can lie, keep secrets, etc...


This double-standard is one that CHEATERS use ALL THE TIME. They believe everybody thinks/acts like they do, so they fear you're cheating on them like they're cheating on you.

Just saying that I wouldn't be surprised if you found AFFAIRS in your H's past. His double-standard for YOUR behavior is a HUGE RED FLAG.


----------



## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> (Don't box me in with crazy women out there...because I'm totally justified to do what I'm doing and YOU KNOW IT!


Yeah ok honey whatever you say, it's ok..


_** Backs away slowly and looks for the nearest exit **_


----------



## lauteaeng

I know...Thank you Slowly Getting Wiser.  I probably should have left a long time ago but I'm a hopeless romantic...thinking love will change a person. Got myself in a REAL PICKLE here! AND...got my lil boy into one too! (He's beautiful, by the way...and worth all the years of pain I've experienced just to have him!) (There were so many signs he was cheating when we were dating but I ignored them because I was IN LOVE and afraid to be alone.) No longer in love and no longer afraid to be alone.


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## anchorwatch

I agree this is not about a gun. This is all about the dynamics of their personalities. This sounds so much like Nice Guy Syndrome.

IMO, As long as she acts as his mother and tells him what he can't do he'll continue to lie. She needs to learn she is not the last say in his life. He's a grown man and until she treats him as such he'll continue to act like a child. 

OTOH, He needs to grow up and act like a man, make his decisions, stand by them and not hid behind lies. 

They both need counseling not ultimatums and lies. 

OP you can't really think that letter will fix anything, it's only another ultimatum that's destined to fail. You've failed at fixing your relationship because you use the wrong methods and it's not your job to fix him. He must fix himself. Remember divorce doesn't fix a marriage, it only ends one.


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## Mavash.

This story has taken a twist that I never expected.

This truly wasn't about a gun purchase.


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## Thoreau

No, I don't know it. You are embarking on a path that will totally destroy him. 

I think I see your master plan. You will do all these things in the hopes it may drive him to take his own life. With all of his mental issues you mentioned, it is possible, right?

Murder by proxy. And you end up with his military pension, insurance and benefits.

Evil, brilliant, and scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lauteaeng

Yep...the gun purchase was just the tip that broke the camels back for me!


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## Terry_CO

lauteaeng said:


> Yep...the gun purchase was just the tip that broke the camels back for me!


And for him.


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## lauteaeng

Thoreau...are you telling me that you would continue living with a spouse that is a compulsive liar? Lie after lie, year after year, money lies, sex lies, where he is lies, now gun lies...and ya'll want to blame me for his compulsive lying? What you don't realize is that I'm a busy working woman with friends and ladies nights out and volunteer work...a REALLY FULL TIME...I'm always encouraging him to get a life....to make friends. He has NONE! I'm always sending him men's meetup groups in hopes he will join...ya got the picture all wrong here. I'm one of the most independent and open minded people you'll meet out there. I just refuse to let my husband cheat, hide money, and lie to me...ya got a problem with that? LOL! My fault here is that I have let him lie to me for 10 years thinking he would eventually grow up...I should have left him LONG LONG AGO! Right after the 3rd lie...


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## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> I should have left him LONG LONG AGO! Right after the 3rd lie...


Why the third lie? Why not after the 1st lie? Or the 10th lie?

Seems arbitrary.


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## lauteaeng

Cause my motto is always to give people 3 strikes you're out...since maybe it was baggage from a previous relationship and not related to his internal soul. Now...10 years later...I see it's embedded...deeply embedded in his SOUL!


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## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> Cause my motto is always to give people 3 strikes you're out...


That's not your motto that's an old motto that's been around for longer than you have and of course it's based on the rules of baseball.

So you're going to base your marriage on some old saying that someone else thought of and it got popular because "3 strikes and you're out" sounds better than "7 strikes and you're out"? What if the motto was "16 strikes and you're out" would you be giving him another 10 chances or so?

You really need to live your live by your own mottos not someone else's mottos.

Otherwise you really gotta wonder if something is the motto with you.


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## lauteaeng

You are cracking me up sharkeey.... Who really cares...point is I'm about to the 25th time now and it's way past due!


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## WorkingOnMe

This isn't about guns or lies. It's about a control freak wife and a husband who doesn't want to be controlled. I feel for him. And now a restraining order? Unbelievable the length some people will go to assert their control over people.


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## sinnister

I will never understand the lust and desire to own a gun. I have tried to empathize but unless you live in a war torn part of the world I just don't get it.

A sense of masculinity maybe? Like owning a big truck or sports car? Meh.....just don't know.


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## sharkeey

I doubt the email is more than an attention getting ploy and I figure that she won't follow through on any of the threats.

However, if she is serious, she'd never get a restraining order based on him buying a gun without her knowledge especially given that he keeps it at work.

His history of depression and PTSD isnt going to do it either.

So what are you going to do Op, fabricate a bunch of stuff so a judge will see your situation as being a real danger and put an innocent man on the street just because you suspect he might have cheated on you and he's lied a few times because he doesn't want to incur your wrath?

People lie. All the time. Especially when they are forced to deal with a person who is subject to irrational angry outbursts. 

It might not be what you want but it's not a crime. 

No matter how you feel it doesn't justify kicking the man out of his own home.


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## Thoreau

I'm not telling you anything of the sort. I would think an educator would have better reading comprehension abilities.

What I am trying to convey is how easy yet wrong it is for woman like you to tell a few lies yourself and ruin a mans entire life.

If you want to divorce, then do so. Don't fabricate allegations to the police and destroy him out of vengeance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau

sinnister said:


> I will never understand the lust and desire to own a gun. I have tried to empathize but unless you live in a war torn part of the world I just don't get it.
> 
> A sense of masculinity maybe? Like owning a big truck or sports car? Meh.....just don't know.


Lust is not part of the equation. How about our right to own a gun? What about shooting sports and hunting? 

Masculinity? More than 50 million female gun owners might disagree.

But I digress, best to start another thread for this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey

sinnister said:


> I will never understand the lust and desire to own a gun. I have tried to empathize but unless you live in a war torn part of the world I just don't get it.


You ever hear of home invasion robberies?

You know, a family is asleep in the middle of the night, one or ore people break in, they rob them, possibly hurt them or kill them?

If you've got a gun within reach and you hear the front door get bashed in, you've got a fighting chance.

You don't need to sit there while a masked man rapes your wife or shoots your child in the head because you didn't think "oh this sort of thing only happens to other people".

The world isn't a safe place and cops can't be everywhere. 

Protect your own.


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## lauteaeng

Sinnister...your opinion was my husband's opinion when I married him. But, now he has changed that opinion obviously...anyway...just a few minutes ago he texts me that he wants to give away the gun that it's not worth the pain it's caused our marriage. I texted back: "It's not the gun that's the problem (keep the gun and enjoy it)...the lying is the problem! STOP THE LYING! (But, I know you can't and I'm DONE!)


----------



## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> I texted back: "It's not the gun that's the problem (keep the gun and enjoy it)...the lying is the problem! STOP THE LYING! (But, I know you can't and I'm DONE!)


If you know he can't stop the lying and you know you're DONE then why text back "STOP THE LYING?"

Why not text back "I'm sorry but I've reached my limit and I'm filing for divorce, let's please make this as amicable as possible for our own good and for our innocent child?"

or

"I'd be willing to discuss this further in front of a trained and competent marriage counselor who can assist us with our marital difficulties and give us strategies and techniques for effectively dealing with our problems"

Instead you suddenly snap, kick him out of the house, and tell him you've suddenly reached your limit after xx number of lies and it's all over.

See you don't approach things sensibly- you just let the anger and resentment build until you explode and react irrationally and unpredictably, and that's a big part of the problem here.


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## anchorwatch

If that's been his behavior over all these years, I do have sympathy. But you're methods to "fix him" have not worked and have led him to continue. You can not control him, in fact your trying to take control has made his behavior worse in reaction to your control. You can only change you, and he will have to react to that.

Here is a set of behaviors used for living with a wayward spouse. Though he is not wayward, it may be useful to you, as a change for the way you act toward him. Start at line 10. See if you can use it. 


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## GTdad

lauteaeng said:


> Sinnister...your opinion was my husband's opinion when I married him. But, now he has changed that opinion obviously...anyway...just a few minutes ago he texts me that he wants to give away the gun that it's not worth the pain it's caused our marriage. I texted back: "It's not the gun that's the problem (keep the gun and enjoy it)...the lying is the problem! STOP THE LYING! (But, I know you can't and I'm DONE!)


I am utterly appalled at your behavior, at least as exhibited on this thread.

I hope your husband finds this site or one like it. He likely needs the extra assistance to get beyond the influence and impact you've had in his life. 

He's no saint; I can say that with assurance because none of us are. But your reaction? The way you come across here? It seems nothing short of evil.


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## lauteaeng

Sharkeey...."I'm done" pretty much says what you said I should say... You are too funny! 

Stop looking Rule #10? Ha Ha! I was not looking! Just happend to get on the computer to go to Amazon.com to order our son Christmas Lego's. It usually goes straight to OUR Amazon account. Turns out hubs forgot to log out of his SECRET Amazon account where he ordered all the gun stuff and had it sent to his work. (I was not looking...it just FELL IN MY LAP!)


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## Thoreau

Please don't change your mind. Let the man go. If he was fine as you say, when you met and married, then perhaps your behavior shaped and molded him into what you say he is now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey

lauteaeng said:


> Sharkeey...."I'm done" pretty much says what you said I should say... You are too funny!


You're a drama queen who throws out ultimatums based on threats that you won't keep.

You and I both know you won't divorce him and hopefully you won't go so far as to change the locks but if you do please keep the old ones or at least put a set of keys aside for him because after this blows over you'll be right back to where you were about 24 hours or so ago, with him hiding stuff from you because he's afraid of the next eruption.

You're finally right about one thing though.

I AM funny.


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## CO_MOM

My husband spent 8 years in the Army, came home from Iraq with signs of PTSD, though has never been actually diagnosed. We have always had at least 7-10 guns in the house at any given time. I never once felt threatened. Actually his target shooting and hunting are a huge stress reliever for him because he thoroughly enjoys and can let everything else go. Our guns actually sit in our closet, unloaded, and our kids know they are there and how to use them. Shoot, my 8 year old son know the .243 from the 7mm better than I do; him and his 10 year old sister will likely be taking their hunter safety courses in the spring time.

Even if he didn't want one when you got married, people change. To strictly forbid him from having one in the house (why have one if you can't use it when you want to?) is wrong. It should have been discussed openly. 

What have you done in the past when he has lied? It seems that you just let them go until you couldn't take it anymore. Maybe if they had been addressed as they happened, you wouldn't be holding so much resentment, but maybe you did, I don't know the whole situation. Good luck to both of you, sounds as though your both going to need it.


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## anchorwatch

lauteaeng said:


> Stop looking Rule #10? Ha Ha! I was not looking! Just happend to get on the computer to go to Amazon.com to order our son Christmas Lego's. It usually goes straight to OUR Amazon account. Turns out hubs forgot to log out of his SECRET Amazon account where he ordered all the gun stuff and had it sent to his work. (I was not looking...it just FELL IN MY LAP!)


How ever it happened, if you weren't snooping, good. You know what my point is about. Stop trying to fix/control him. It's not you job and it hasn't worked. Has it?


Added, BTW I'm 60. I'll ride my bike, run my boat and fire my gun anytime I want. It hasn't effected my 40 year relationship one bit. Get it! This has nothing to do with those hobbies or lifestyles.


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## WorkingOnMe

If I had to deal with a woman's wrath every time I went someplace or made a purchase she didn't like, I'd lie about it too. I remember the kids growing up with controlling parents (mostly moms). They were the ones always sneaking around. And when they escaped they were the wildest kids around.


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## cabin fever

There is NOTHING wrong with a having a gun in your house. I have 4. They are locked in a safe. My 10 y/o son has his own shotgun. Shoots it, and cleans it (with me supervising of course) 

usually the accidents you see are from kids that have never been around them. Teach them to respect them, and treat them the correct way, and there is no fear. 

Can't help ya with the lieing, but if my wife made a blanket statement like "no guns in my house" I would start making my own blanket statements too. 

BTW, 
my son absolutley loves shooting at the range. Its one of his favorite things to do, and he likes the fact that all 3 of us (me, wife, son) do it together.


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## Thoreau

I hope you're busy packing your things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Thoreau said:


> There you have it folks....the reason more and more are not marrying today. This woman, with a smile and a wink, can turn her husband out of his home and into a criminal.
> 
> With no threat from her husband, she will manufacture a story, express fear to the authorities and have him arrested, defrocked, turned out of his home and end his career.
> 
> This is sickening.
> 
> On top of that, she wants a pat on the back for being so generous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not all women act in this way, but I have seen it happen to one of my hubby's friends. Luckily his kids were there to witness what happened and she was charged with filing false charges.

I am so grateful for my husband and he feels the same way for me. Our marriage is very fulfilling and I swore I was never to remarry after my first husband. Well I went back on my word and I couldn't be happier.


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## sharkeey

I had the same situation when I was married. 

Wife didn't want a gun in the house.

I didn't want to be in a position where someone broke into my house and as he was raping my wife at gunpoint I would have to say "sorry honey but you know I wanted a gun in the house".

I got one, I told her I had it, it was always locked in a safe, she wasn't happy about it, too bad.

Now she's gone, I live alone, my kids are grown, the gun is on a shelf nearby and I sleep better at night knowing if I hear a strange noise I can defend myself.

It's also nice to know that I don't have to answer to anyone about my personal preference in regards to gun or anything else.

My current girlfriend was a bit concerned when she found out I keep a gun in the house, and I explained to her why I kept it, and she seems ok with it but if she wasn't, again it's good to know that I don't have to answer to anyone. Nor do I need to hide anything.

If they don't like it, it's easy to break the chain so to speak. No courts, no divorce lawyers, no assets to split. Just "Sorry we can't resolve this issue hopefully it will work out better with the next person you meet, please close and lock to door behind you when you're done removing your things".

Did I say there are lots of positives to not being married?



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Our marriage is very fulfilling and I swore I was never to remarry after my first husband. Well I went back on my word and I couldn't be happier.


How long have you been married this second time around?

Based on how happy you are, I'm going to guess less than 5 years.


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## EnjoliWoman

It's obvious she isn't frightened of him killing himself or her or their son. It isn't the gun at all - it's the lies.

The OP is very flippant - she didn't need or want our advice because she has made up her mind. And been pretty ****y about it all.

Drama and ultimatums aren't the way to solve problems and I think he has lied to avoid the tantrums. Aside from not being with his son as much, I hope he finds a peaceful relationship with a woman who isn't so "my way or the highway". No amount of hotness is worth the crazy.


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## WorkingOnMe

NO Wire hangers, EVER!!!


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## unbelievable

sinnister said:


> I will never understand the lust and desire to own a gun. I have tried to empathize but unless you live in a war torn part of the world I just don't get it.
> 
> A sense of masculinity maybe? Like owning a big truck or sports car? Meh.....just don't know.


I don't "lust" for a gun. I'd much prefer to traverse this world my entire life without ever harming another living creature. I have sense enough to know this is not Heaven and there are dangers in the world. Evil doesn't exclusively live overseas. Wherever there are creatures with brains, there is the potential for unexpected, lethal, violence. I don't lust after fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, and first aid kits, but it would be irresponsible of me to not own them. 
When confronted with violence, my action plan doesn't include pleading for my life or weeping while I watch my wife or kids being raped. I am not a wolf but neither am I a sheep. I am my family's first line of defense whether the threat is an armed criminal, a tornado, a hurricane, a fire, or space aliens. It is my duty to protect them. My weapons and my willingness and ability to use them are just tools available to me to help me accomplish that responsibility. I wouldn't drive without being prepared to change a flat tire, either. Doesn't mean I lust after tire jacks. It just means I'm a responsible, self-sufficient adult who doesn't consider hand wringing and sniveling viable options when something bad happens.


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## sweaty teddy

unbelievable said:


> I don't "lust" for a gun. I'd much prefer to traverse this world my entire life without ever harming another living creature. I have sense enough to know this is not Heaven and there are dangers in the world. Evil doesn't exclusively live overseas. Wherever there are creatures with brains, there is the potential for unexpected, lethal, violence. I don't lust after fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, and first aid kits, but it would be irresponsible of me to not own them.
> When confronted with violence, my action plan doesn't include pleading for my life or weeping while I watch my wife or kids being raped. I am not a wolf but neither am I a sheep. I am my family's first line of defense whether the threat is an armed criminal, a tornado, a hurricane, a fire, or space aliens. It is my duty to protect them. My weapons and my willingness and ability to use them are just tools available to me to help me accomplish that responsibility. I wouldn't drive without being prepared to change a flat tire, either. Doesn't mean I lust after tire jacks. It just means I'm a responsible, self-sufficient adult who doesn't consider hand wringing and sniveling viable options when something bad happens.


exactly. plus there really fun to shoot.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

sharkeey said:


> I had the same situation when I was married.
> 
> Wife didn't want a gun in the house.
> 
> I didn't want to be in a position where someone broke into my house and as he was raping my wife at gunpoint I would have to say "sorry honey but you know I wanted a gun in the house".
> 
> I got one, I told her I had it, it was always locked in a safe, she wasn't happy about it, too bad.
> 
> Now she's gone, I live alone, my kids are grown, the gun is on a shelf nearby and I sleep better at night knowing if I hear a strange noise I can defend myself.
> 
> It's also nice to know that I don't have to answer to anyone about my personal preference in regards to gun or anything else.
> 
> My current girlfriend was a bit concerned when she found out I keep a gun in the house, and I explained to her why I kept it, and she seems ok with it but if she wasn't, again it's good to know that I don't have to answer to anyone. Nor do I need to hide anything.
> 
> If they don't like it, it's easy to break the chain so to speak. No courts, no divorce lawyers, no assets to split. Just "Sorry we can't resolve this issue hopefully it will work out better with the next person you meet, please close and lock to door behind you when you're done removing your things".
> 
> Did I say there are lots of positives to not being married?
> 
> 
> 
> How long have you been married this second time around?
> 
> Based on how happy you are, I'm going to guess less than 5 years.


Almost 13 years. 

I'm all for guns, we have several both handguns and rifles. I'm waiting for my hubby to take me to the shooting range to teach me about gun safety and how to use our .22 handgun. We have one handgun locked in our bedroom and all the others are high up and locked. We never keep them loaded ever.

I was a little concerned since he had a loaded gun on his nightstand before we married and I had a 5 year old, but he locked the gun in a case and never has there been an issue. Not once has any child gone near our firearms.

We have 2 big dogs that protect our house too, I worry about home invasions as my husband does too. We live in a very rural area. No one is breaking into our house with our dogs. They'd be ripped apart in seconds.

We are happy since we put marriage as our number 1 priority. We still hold hands every night when winding down for the night and watching tv.


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## Tall Average Guy

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's obvious she isn't frightened of him killing himself or her or their son. It isn't the gun at all - it's the lies.
> 
> The OP is very flippant - she didn't need or want our advice because she has made up her mind. And been pretty ****y about it all.


This. She was looking for validation, and when the mirror was turned on her poor behavior that was contributing to the situation, she lashed out. It is clear that the husband needs help, but he is not here, she is. Yet she does not want to listen to anything that does not confirm her conclusion. It would have been easier had she just let us know that.



> Drama and ultimatums aren't the way to solve problems and I think he has lied to avoid the tantrums. Aside from not being with his son as much, I hope he finds a peaceful relationship with a woman who isn't so "my way or the highway". No amount of hotness is worth the crazy.


Well, he needs to start owning his decisions. His unwillingness to confront some hard issues led them to this place. He has to be honest about things and deal with her as an adult. He is not doing that.


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## Terry_CO

sinnister said:


> I will never understand the lust and desire to own a gun. I have tried to empathize but unless you live in a war torn part of the world I just don't get it.
> 
> A sense of masculinity maybe? Like owning a big truck or sports car? Meh.....just don't know.


Not the point of the thread.

You have the right to choose to own, or not own, a firearm. You can accept others' opinions (and spin) on it and adopt them as your own, or you can do your own independent research and draw your own conclusions.

For those in the latter category, this is a good website to see what the real statistics are, minus the spin:

Gun Control - Just Facts

As for the topic - the gun thing is just a perceived violation of trust, and not the root cause of the problem.


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## sharkeey

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Almost 13 years.


Nicely done!



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No one is breaking into our house with our dogs. They'd be ripped apart in seconds.


Hmm. Would you mind pm'ing me your address? I want to make sure I skip past your house the next time I'm looking for a target.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter

WorkingOnMe said:


> NO Wire hangers, EVER!!!


:rofl:


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## costa200

Why do women insist in limiting a man's ability to defend himself and his own? It is my understanding that in the US everyone and their mother has a gun. A dude without one is just defenseless as a baby. 

Now, in my country, with some strict gun control, i probably won't need a gun. Melee weapons are usually enough! If i was american i would own a gun.


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## EleGirl

If your husband is smart, he will go to an attorney today and get an emergency order to get back into his own home.

You are afraid? How many times have you called the police due to violence? How many violent acts has he been arrested for?

Most courts will throw our your claim of being afraid because there are no grounds for you being afraid. Him owning a gun or two does not mean that your life is at risk or that he intends to kill you and/or your son.

Don't count no the courts "always" siding with the mother/wife. More and more they are learning to be reasonable and realize that a child needs both parents and women are not helpless victims, child-like needing to be coddled.


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## homebuilder

unbelievable said:


> I don't "lust" for a gun. I'd much prefer to traverse this world my entire life without ever harming another living creature. I have sense enough to know this is not Heaven and there are dangers in the world. Evil doesn't exclusively live overseas. Wherever there are creatures with brains, there is the potential for unexpected, lethal, violence. I don't lust after fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, and first aid kits, but it would be irresponsible of me to not own them.
> When confronted with violence, my action plan doesn't include pleading for my life or weeping while I watch my wife or kids being raped. I am not a wolf but neither am I a sheep. I am my family's first line of defense whether the threat is an armed criminal, a tornado, a hurricane, a fire, or space aliens. It is my duty to protect them. My weapons and my willingness and ability to use them are just tools available to me to help me accomplish that responsibility. I wouldn't drive without being prepared to change a flat tire, either. Doesn't mean I lust after tire jacks. It just means I'm a responsible, self-sufficient adult who doesn't consider hand wringing and sniveling viable options when something bad happens.


AMEN my feelings exactly:smthumbup:


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## Madman1

Your statement,
"My fault is letting him lie to me for over 10 years ..thinking he would grow up."

Is sooo true!!!!!!!!

Your co-dependent, passive agressive behavor has let this fester for years!

You should have used your current zeal for good years ago and have helped him to face his issues, instead of just using it to end the marriage and destroy him, yes you are such a hopeless romantic.

Your husband has been through a lot of shjt that has damaged him.
Congradulations on adding to that.

At least now you have your freedom, (thanks to all the soldiers out there).

"I am woman hear me rohr"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

EleGirl said:


> If your husband is smart, he will go to an attorney today and get an emergency order to get back into his own home.
> 
> You are afraid? How many times have you called the police due to violence? How many violent acts has he been arrested for?
> 
> Most courts will throw our your claim of being afraid because there are no grounds for you being afraid. Him owning a gun or two does not mean that your life is at risk or that he intends to kill you and/or your son.
> 
> Don't count no the courts "always" siding with the mother/wife. More and more they are learning to be reasonable and realize that a child needs both parents and women are not helpless victims, child-like needing to be coddled.


Exactly - and if he's never laid a hand on her then that screws up the system for everyone. This is the reason male police officers don't always take domestic violence seriously - women can't cry wolf about this.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

This thread is like watching a Spanish-language tv soap opera (telenovela)...I don't understand EVERYTHING that's going on, but it's SO DRA-MAH-TIC ! I'm settling in with a big bowl of popcorn! 


uh, was this supposed to be in the Social Spot "inappropriate jokes you just couldn't put in the original thread" thread? :scratchhead:


No matter! On with the show, folks, andale! andale! arriba! arriba! When the fists start flying, I'm going to duck!


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## lauteaeng

Thanks Satchel...Thank you for being the voice or REASON. Glad you chimed in before this thread is deleted. I just requested that the moderator delete it all because of the names I was called and the way my character was assassinated. I am sticking to my guns (no pun intended) and he knows I'm in the process of moving on.  We live in an upper middle class neighborhood on a corner where the chances of a home invasion are slim to none. You are right..he does not and we do not need a gun! I realize now that I came to the wrong place but it turned out to be the right place because a women who had been through something similar private messaged me and has been very encouraging.  Thanks again for your input!


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