# Still Together (barely) after Affair - now abuse?



## TiredGirl

My story is a long one -- hope you'll bear with me. My DH and I have been married for 12.5 years. We have 3 children (2 his that I've raised since they were 3 (girl) and 4 (boy) and one boy together). Kids are now 18, 17 and 10. My husband became disabled to the point of being unable to work 6 months after we married. I fortunately have a great job, and I was able to comfortably support us. However, because of his illness, he often doesn't feel well... so I covered the roles of mom and dad... and cab driver, maid, etc. Over time, his illness became a less debilitating, and he was able to periodically do things he wanted to do. After seeing this happen for a while, and feeling completely exhausted from working 50 hours a week, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of kids, etc, I told him that I needed help... covering the little things when he could. He would always say he would help, then wouldn't. Or, he would do one thing (like unload the dishwasher) and expect me to cheer about it. He also left EVERY decision up to me... about the kids, the finances, the house, vacations, etc. After a while, I started to feel sad, lonely, and frankly a little angry. 

After 11 years of marriage, I found myself chatting with another man... first just as friends, but I loved the attention and things snowballed into an emotional/physical affair. My husband found out - was supremely angry (of course), but wanted to work things out. I did not cut off communications with the OM, and continued with the affair and lies for another year. My husband again discovered my cheating, and I broke things off with the OM in an attempt to work things out in my marriage. 

Since that time (it's been over a month), he has belittled me, yelled at me, called me names, cursed at me. He's hit me twice (not hard, but still) and pushed me. He tells me that he is so in love with me and that I just make him so angry when I talk to him about my worries/doubts/concerns regarding our relationship. He thinks that I caused all the problems, and I should fix them. My feelings have changed towards him, but I have been trying to repair things for our kids. I finally had enough last week -- and I told him that I thought we should divorce. He got so mad that he pushed me, and then fired his pistol at my car tire. He missed, but it scared me! He quickly apologized, and I let him thinking that this would never happen again. Yesterday, we got into an argument... once it turned to yelling, I turned away and said that I wasn't going to continue the conversation, and I walked into our bathroom and closed the door. He followed me, and as I was trying to put drops in my eyes, he grabbed my arm and twisted it - saying "you're not going to ignore me!". I told him he was hurting me and this made him mad. He grabbed my robe tight around my neck and pushed me backwards. I told him he was choking me -- and this made him really mad. So he said "I'll show you what choking is" and grabbed me from behind and put his arm around my neck. I freaked out and got away from him - ran into the other bathroom and locked the door. I don't know what to do - he scares me. I know he is mad because I just don't feel the way I used to about him, and he knows it. After all the mean words (and actions) I just don't want to be there anymore. But now I'm scared to tell him that.

EDITED TO ADD: He is a good father and other than his few outbursts, he has NEVER been abusive towards me. He says he wants to remain married to me and will do anything to keep us together... I don't want to paint the picture that he's supremely evil. 

I know I created all these problems by having the affair -- and my head tells me that it's never my fault for him to hit me or choke me. But I keep letting him get away with it. Maybe my own guilt?? I know now that I just don't want a relationship with him anymore, but I'm scared to tell him. I don't know what he will do. 

I'm sorry for the REALLY long-winded version - there's probably things I left out even -- I hope someone has some advice for me.


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## HerToo

You had an affair. He has a severe anger / abuse problem. The two are independent. Call the police. Then call a lawyer. 

You screwed up, and so did he. 

Give him and yourself some peace by separating.


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## lordmayhem

He should have kicked you to the curb instead of hitting you. You need to separate. You cheated on him, then on DDay, you continued to lie for another year. Now he's lost control. Instead of kicking you out of the house like he should have done, he resorted to DV. If he does it again, call the police. He needs help with anger management now. It's only been a month since this last DDay, so he's a mess. For your sake and his, you need to leave the house.


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## TiredGirl

@lordmayhem - perhaps.... but he felt strongly enough about trying to save things not to. Now, I'm not sure if the physical aggression is him regretting that decision or what? He swears it will never happen again... do I believe him?


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## lordmayhem

TiredGirl said:


> @lordmayhem - perhaps.... but he felt strongly enough about trying to save things not to. Now, I'm not sure if the physical aggression is him regretting that decision or what? He swears it will never happen again... do I believe him?


He needs help with anger management now, since your betrayal has pushed him past his limits. Unfortunately you can't help him with this, he needs professional help. If he swears it will never happen again, then he should be willing to seek individual counselling. In the meantime, just about anything about your affair, practically ANYTHING will trigger him. He's that angry right now. He can't do it himself. Make an appointment for him. This is to protect yourself as well as him.


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## CH

Once I got to the part where he fired a gun I stopped reading.

Your life and your kid's life is in danger from your husband. Get out, get help and he needs to be seen by someone to help him.

As an avid gun owner, there are a few simple rules, keep them unloaded, keep them locked away and the only time you would ever need to fire them at home is if you or your family's life was in danger!

He's a danger to you, your kids and to the community if he fired his gun in anger. It doesn't matter if you had an affair, he's not entitled to shooting off a gun just because he's angry.

What if the bullet had hit someone, you, your kids, a neighbor, their kids or a little baby!!!!

CALL THE POLICE!


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## RunningOnEmpty

cheatinghubby said:


> Once I got to the part where he fired a gun I stopped reading.
> 
> Your life and your kid's life is in danger from your husband. Get out, get help and he needs to be seen by someone to help him.
> 
> As an avid gun owner, there are a few simple rules, keep them unloaded, keep them locked away and the only time you would ever need to fire them at home is if you or your family's life was in danger!
> 
> He's a danger to you, your kids and to the community if he fired his gun in anger. It doesn't matter if you had an affair, he's not entitled to shooting off a gun just because he's angry.
> 
> What if the bullet had hit someone, you, your kids, a neighbor, their kids or a little baby!!!!
> 
> CALL THE POLICE!


+1 On this.

Get out of there. Don't tell him. Talk to your family. Move out. Do this for your sake. And for your kid's sake.

Do not wait for another incident. Do not wait and hope that things will get better. They won't.


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## Shaggy

You've ripped out his very soul with your cheating, followed by your lies and continued cheating.

Think about that for a minute. You continued to lie and cheat and have your affair. You where getting off with your OM and having a nice little time for you.

Mean while - he was having his soul stomped on by you.

You did this to him for how long? More than a year, and now finally you decide to stop lying and cheating, and a month later he is supposed to just smile and be happy that you stopped cheating?

Lady - this guy's gut has been torn out. He has be humiliated as a man, lover, and husband by you. He feels lower than low. He is ANGRY at the situation, at you, and at HIMSELF.

why? Because the one person in life he counted on - stabbed him in the back. Then she said she'd stop, but she really just lied and continued to stab him over and over and over.

Yes he was wrong to hit you - but I think you've pushed him so far with your abuse and humiliation from your affair that he is so broken he doesn't know what to do anymore to even begin to have hope for tomorrow or to make it better.

It's also only been a month - I bet deep down he is fully expecting that you are currently lying yet again and plan on starting up your humiliation of him and the affair. 

So what's it gonna be? Are you gonna ditch the man you broke down to nothing, so you can run back to your affair partner? 

OR ARE YOU GONNA stay and get him some help to rebuild his life and his self esteem. Because while you've been out getting "your needs met" he has been home at the same time getting his sense of self respect, and hope destroyed.

Get him to a therapist ASAP, go with him, help him find a way to deal with the heart ache and anger YOU created. If you take off on him now, then you should spend the rest of your life living with the fact that his man is broken - because you broke him. You broke him without a care, and without a thought - all because you wanted a little fun with your OM.

Hide the damn gun so he can't do anything else stupid. But honestly you're due for the name calling and the anger. He has a right to be angry.

He doesn't have a right to threaten or hurt anyone however.

Help him find a way to deal with the hurt and the anger.


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## pidge70

While what she did is reprehensible in NO way did she make him act like this. Her A may very well be a catalyst but, much like her A was her choice, his abusing her is his choice. Noone makes anyone do anything and she sure as Hell didn't make him choke her or fire a gun at her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli

There is zero excuse for this abusive behavior. Your affair does not excuse his actions at all. Please get yourself and the children out f their asap.

On a side note, you do everything, bring in a paycheck, take care of the kids and do all the chores? Its so sad you did leave him instead of having this affair. Even someone physically disabled can usually help with planning at meal beforehand, finances, planning trips, managing the schedule, folding some laundry etc.


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## desert-rose

No excuse for his behavior. You, too, are to blame for your bad behavior.

Leave immediately. This situation is dangerous for you both. 

Make an appointment for him to see a counselor. Try to talk to him and resolve your issues from a little bit of a distance. Meet and talk. Give each other space. Start over. If you're not going to be faithful, then let him go. And if he's not going to stop the anger, you can't stay. Commitment involves being WILLING to treat each other with respect and those are some basic ground rules. Safety should be a serious concern, whether it is heart-safety or mind/body-safety. Build trust, respect, and affection from a bit more distance and maybe you might have a chance. But you guys are both allowing big problems to endanger all those involved here.


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## lyngreen504

I have dealt with abuse before, but a gun has never been an issue. Just leave him. You don't want to be with him; if you stay it's just a lie for him and for yourself. I know you are scared, but if you stay you're still scared so what's the point. you know? Get the police involved, get evidence (recordings, videos, et cetera) hold it against him and get yourself a gun and a class on how to use it. Self Defense just in case this guy goes off the crazy cliff. I feel for him because you did cheat, but honestly, I have a husband and three kids, and when I feel like he's too busy and his priorities are all effed up then I start resenting him and.. well.. **** happens. If he can't forgive you, then I don't know what he's waiting for (some miracle that erases the past). He's got no point staying either. Good Luck Hunny!!


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## warlock07

*OMG ...He abused you. He is a serial abuser. He is very dangerous. Call the cops and file for DV. No wonder you cheated on him. His behavior prior led to it. The cheating wasn't your fault. I guess that is why you cheated on him. If you leave him, it not your fault. He is the abusive a$shole. He caused you to have an affair. Now he is ruining it when you are the one doing the reconciliation?*


OK now that you heard what you wanted, TiredGirl(I guess tired from having an affair, years of lying and now severely working on the marriage for a month), do both of you a favor and leave him. You broke him. he won't be the same again. And it is YOUR fault. But it does not matter now. He is better off without you and you are better off without him.

I can also see why he is losing it(The abuse is taking it too far. I am in no way supporting it)



> My feelings have changed towards him, but I have been trying to repair things for our kids.


This should be the first reason to end the marriage. You don't love him .



> I finally had enough last week -- and I told him that I thought we should divorce.


He was the one that was humiliated and cheated on but he is still trying to work it out for the kids and his love for you. But you, the one who cheated, wants a divorce at the smallest hint of trouble.



> Yesterday, we got into an argument... once it turned to yelling, I turned away and said that I wasn't going to continue the conversation,
> 
> 
> 
> Have you noticed the pattern here. He is losing it because you don't give a $hit about him. His self esteem and worth was totally destroyed by your affair (I would assume that it was not all that great before either). Being the cheating spouse, you should put huge effort into rebuilding. But no, he is doing the hard work, the heavy lifting and you ignore him when things get bad. Instead of convincing him and calming him down, you argue and ignore him. Do you understand what's happening here. You are not ready for reconciliation. You just wanted to say that you tried and justify the divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> and my head tells me that it's never my fault for him to hit me or choke me
> 
> 
> 
> Was this the same head that made you lie for an year? What made you cheat and lie an year after the D-Day? Have you ever thought about what you did to him with that head? You wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy.
> 
> It is entirely and totally your fault. You broke the poor man. The emotional trauma will scar him for life. But fixing it is not staying married to him half-heartedly with no commitment to R. Move on. You don't want to stay anyway.
> 
> 
> Note: Does SAHD lose their spouse's respect more often than SAHM?
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


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## TiredGirl

Thanks for everyone's thoughts a comments. I have a lot of thinking and praying still left to do.

Let me be clear about a few things, though... I, as the cheating spouse, make no claim that I am innocent in all this. I fully know that my actions, lies, etc HURT my DH to the core, and he is still reeling from it all. I also know that there is zero trust right now, for good reason. We have talked for hours and hours and hours about everything, with full disclosure from me... and he says that he is still committed to being married and wants to make this work. I too, wanted to make this work - and was doing everything I could to support/reassure him through all of this. I realize that his anger is natural - often it would come "out of the blue" because of some random thing that would remind him of something. We were managing OK through all of that. I stood there and let him call me every name in the book - told him he was right, that I was a horrible wife to him, etc. But when it changed from verbal to physical, it scared me.

When I walked away from the argument - it wasn't to ignore him... it was to try and create some space for him to cool off. That obviously backfired for me - even though he's said that is what I should do "for him" when I feel like he is starting to get really angry. 

I am struggling because I have never EVER seen this side of him, and I never thought of him as an abuser at all. In fact, it's difficult for me to use that word to describe him now, even after what's happened. All I know is that it is now not a one-time thing... 

I talked to him about it last night -- told him that I was scared because he hit me and choked me and fired the gun. He said he was sorry he scared me, that it wouldn't happen again. And then he said "I never REALLY hit you... because you would have been on the floor". And, "I wasn't really choking you because you didn't pass out - I wouldn't have done that". And, "I aimed gun away from both of us - I knew it wouldn't hit anything".

IS THIS LOGICAL? I don't know what to believe. 

I am really not looking for sympathy about the Affair - I know the cheating and the resulting hurt was completely my fault, and that I am going to have to deal with that. I just don't know if I can/should tolerate the rest.


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## Almostrecovered

jesus, run


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## Shaggy

TiredG,

A therapist can help guide himand you in learning techniques to better direct and manage the anger. It won't go away,mbut he can learn what to do when it starts rising up in him. 

It sounds like this level of hurt and anger isn't something he has ever dealt with in his life before. This means he does not have skills or experience dealing with it, and it's getting the better of him.

Beleve it or not, he likely scared the crap out of himself too.

Unlike the posters who say run, I say instead to try and help him. He's not a guy wth a history of abuse or a combative personality. He's a guy who's wife did just about the most hurtful,selfish, and hateful thing she could do to him. He's not abusing because he is abusive, he's letting his anger and hurt overwhelm him. That can be dealt with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiredGirl

Shaggy - thanks for your reply. Deep down, I believe what you've said about his anger overwhelming him... that's why I'm still here. Unfortunately, he won't go to counseling. Says I'm the only person he wants to talk to... I have a background in Psychology, but certainly not equipped to be impartial on this subject, nor can he really hear some things when they come from me. 

I'm still trying, because he IS willing to talk to me. I just find myself thinking "how will he react?" before I do or say anything, fearful of setting him off. 

And - honestly, it's really difficult to WANT it now after those things have happened. Even as I type that, I try to put myself in his shoes, thinking how difficult it is for him as well, after everything I've done to damage our marriage. And then my alarm bells start ringing again because of his physical aggressiveness toward me. Dang it, I'm so confused.


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## Shaggy

I bet he feels ashamed of talking about your cheating on him, and about his inability to manage his anger. His shame keeps him afraid of the therapist. He may also fear the therapist will attack and judge him.

How about some self help books on both anger management and dealing with being a cheated on spouse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunningOnEmpty

TiredGirl said:


> ...And then he said "I never REALLY hit you... because you would have been on the floor". And, "I wasn't really choking you because you didn't pass out - I wouldn't have done that". And, "I aimed gun away from both of us - I knew it wouldn't hit anything".
> 
> IS THIS LOGICAL? I don't know what to believe.


No, it IS NOT logical. He is justifying his actions, trying to convince you that they were not that bad.

Yes, it was that bad. Yes, you need to get out of that situation. And yes, this will happen again.

Your H is upset about your affair, rightly so. But, trying to choke you, firing a gun, or any type of abuse IS NOT Ok, and is not justified.


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## warlock07

Why did you continue to cheat after first time? Have you considered you motivations? You say you have a background in Psychology. First time cheating is worse enough. Why you continued is a question you need to answer for yourself and him.
Do you way he found out you were cheating(2nd time) has to do anything with the way he is reacting?
I'm with shaggy here and think that you need to get professional help for him. Also don't stay with him out of guilt.


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## shastacola

your story sounds almost identical to mine. my affair wasn't physical but it was emotional. and after he found out i continued with my online affair. in the 18 yrs we've been together he never once put his hands on me. but now iv been bruised up three times. i hid his gun, which he found. i also hid the clips in a different place. he didn't find those. i don't think he would shoot at me, but im afraid that he would shoot himself. he was tellin me to just give them to him and i wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. i love my husband and don't know why i did what i did or why i continued on with it. he always asks me why. i don't have an answer that will erase it. he slept with an ex friend of mine the day after he found out, which hurt me. and im sure i deserved it. but i don't think i deserve to be physically hurt. i don't want our marriage to end. forever we have been that couple that everyone says is perfectly matched. but i messed that up and idk if we will ever heal. i know this post is a couple years old, but i hope everything has worked out for y'all. i have to comment because it sounds like my life. i know im not gonna leave him, its my fault things went bad. but i don't wanna be afraid or angry with him. i need a really big eraser. but i know nothing will take away the pain caused to us both by my actions. i guess i am one of those women who stick around to see how bad it can get. i wish he could forgive me.


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