# Husband left, need help



## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

Hello all! My husband and I moved at the end of February back to Texas in my hometown. My husband is in the army, and is in a very prestigious medical program. Anyway, we got here on a Tuesday and by Friday he informed me he was no longer interested in continuing our marriage. We have been married almost 8 years and have two children, 5 & 7. He believed he would continue living with me after dropping this bomb...I told him he needed to get his own place, half thinking he was just testing the waters. He did in fact move it 2 weeks later. There really hasn't been much communication between the two of us other than negotiating business and the care of the children. I am dumb founded and broken as I did not expect this at all! One of our topics of discussion was the need for childcare due to the fact at both he and I are working fll time jobs. According to the army he must give me a certain amount of money to provided shelter and food for us because I am still his dependent along with the children. Well daycare here is almost equal to the amount of money the army requires he give me. When I told him it wasn't enough he refused to agree n anymore. I told him I would take him to court and talk to his command, He basically told me be my guest. I have now gone to a lawyer and filed a suit basically requesting to set an a,punt based on his income and our bills to help support myself and the children...He will be served with e papers tomorrow and I am freaking out. Has anyone experienced this? They are not divorce or separation papers, simply a lawsuit for child support. I have no way of knowing his reaction because I did tell him I would do it but still I think he believes I a, a coward or bluffing. I DON'T WANT to fight but he has left me no choice. The whole time he has used money as his bargaining chip and quite frankly I could give a hoot about money except its the only thing that he still has that I really need. If anyone has experience with reactions to this type of service or event please tell me about it...Thanks
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Good for you going to the lawyer. Maybe still talk to his command and let them know what's going on. The fact that he is denying you financial support won't look good for him. Are both your kids in school? I was advised that child support and daycare should be kept as two separate amounts and if at all possible straight from his check.


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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

That's sort of the catch, he hasn't even signed in at his new unit yet. He dumped me before he could even get there. Mind you, he did give me half on the required amount in Monday so he IS paying what he is supposed to. I honestly dont want to put a black mark in his career by talking to his command, I've done it once before and they made a joke of me but I still got the money. Further, according to the army all he is required to pay me at this point is that amount, They mention nothing of daycare or joint bills so unless I have a court order for the rest I am SOL and I just get help with housing/rent. His success in his career pretty much determines our support in the future and I really don't want to screw it up. Plus I do still love him and care for him and don't want to be a bitter meddling wife, although I am afraid after he is served the papers tomorrow he will hate me. Such a tricky set of emotions because I still have not truly a accepted that his decision is to leave and divirce me. I'm still holding on that this can be fixed...I am crazy!
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's pretty hard for anyone here to do much besides say "there there" and pat you in the back, as we don't know the financial details. You've talked to a lawyer, you've filed your claim, you're doing it for the right reasons, apparently. Only you know if what you're asking for is fair and reasonable.

C
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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

I guess my question was more, if anyone else has done something similar, what was the STBX response to service? I know everyone is different but in my head I see my husband berating me for filing anything, even though it was his decision to leave.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can guess he's not going to like it. After all, he's paying you what he's legally required to. I'd be pretty p1ssed at my STBXW if she pulled something like that on m, seeing as how I'm meeting my obligations. If she did that, I'd start digging in my heels and start doing the absolute minimum required. And likely get my own lawyer involved.

Having said that, I AM providing her about 25% more than I'm legally required to right now, and do cough up more occasionally when something comes up. Mostly over guilt from being the one to end the relationship.

C
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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> I can guess he's not going to like it. After all, he's paying you what he's legally required to. I'd be pretty p1ssed at my STBXW if she pulled something like that on m, seeing as how I'm meeting my obligations. If she did that, I'd start digging in my heels and start doing the absolute minimum required. And likely get my own lawyer involved.
> 
> Having said that, I AM providing her about 25% more than I'm legally required to right now, and do cough up more occasionally when something comes up. Mostly over guilt from being the one to end the relationship.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What you say seems reasonable to me, and you're not asking for more than you're due. Maybe he'll be upset to begin with, but when he sees that you're not asking for anything more than you're entitled , he might calm down again. Or if you're lucky, he won't get bent out of shape at all. 

Good luck!

C
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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

LuckyIrish76,
A couple of things. I am active duty military and some of your assumptions are incorrect. The military gives your husband money to support HIMSELF and his dependents. The amount he receives for himself is referred to as SINGLE BAH (basic allowance for housing). The amount he receives for his dependents is known as WITH DEPENDENTS BAH. The difference is about 100$ or so depending on pay grade. I am an E-8 and that is about what it is. The military does not and CANNOT force its members to support their dependents per se. The chain of command can bark all day long but they lack the authority to really do anything about it. In order to get child support and/or spousal support, you must go through the local court where you live. Child support is automatic if you have custody. Once you have a court order, his command WILL enforce that order to the point of garnishing his wages if he does not pay. Without an order, they will pay you little mind. There is no "legal amount" by law that the service member is required to pay. I am separated from my wife due to her committing adultery. I pay her nothing, she can get support from the men she has sex with. I have custody of the kids. She has called my command multiple times and the answer from them is always the same, get a lawyer and take him to court. She does not do this because she knows she will lose as adultery is illegal in Virginia and is a ground for barring spousal support. Good luck here and keep us posted.


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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> LuckyIrish76,
> A couple of things. I am active duty military and some of your assumptions are incorrect. The military gives your husband money to support HIMSELF and his dependents. The amount he receives for himself is referred to as SINGLE BAH (basic allowance for housing). The amount he receives for his dependents is known as WITH DEPENDENTS BAH. The difference is about 100$ or so depending on pay grade. I am an E-8 and that is about what it is. The military does not and CANNOT force its members to support their dependents per se. The chain of command can bark all day long but they lack the authority to really do anything about it. In order to get child support and/or spousal support, you must go through the local court where you live. Child support is automatic if you have custody. Once you have a court order, his command WILL enforce that order to the point of garnishing his wages if he does not pay. Without an order, they will pay you little mind. There is no "legal amount" by law that the service member is required to pay. I am separated from my wife due to her committing adultery. I pay her nothing, she can get support from the men she has sex with. I have custody of the kids. She has called my command multiple times and the answer from them is always the same, get a lawyer and take him to court. She does not do this because she knows she will lose as adultery is illegal in Virginia and is a ground for barring spousal support. Good luck here and keep us posted.


MarriedinVA,
That's exactly what I have been saying in my previous post. The whole point is, rather than fight a losing battle with his command (where he hasn't even reports for duty yet) I have already gone to a lawyer. My husband left us, and although He has his own reasons he is doing his best to not leave us completely out in the cold. It's truly a catch 22 for us because if I were to go to his command, the negative repurcussions it could have on his career would compromise any support payments he could make, but he is also insistent the the $905 the army requires him to give me (BAH r/c 2012) is supposed to cover all our bills together including the $800 a month I childcare. I have told him I cannot do is all on my own but he is fighting me over that. What is required by the military, what is legally required, and what is morally right are three totally different scenarios here. Anyway the while point of my post was if anyone had experience with their spouse being served papers and the reaction they got from said spouse. Oh and this is the second time I have been on this go round...not sure why your command is ignoring your spouse, probably because you are senior enlisted but last time my husband pulled this stunt, I went to his command...amazing how quickly that money started to appear. That being said there is also a difference between deamandung "my Damn money" and asking for assistance In supporting a spouse and children when the service member is being ignorant ( and that goes both ways, spouses can be pretty damn ignorant too) 
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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Irish,
There will not be any negative repercussions on his career if you go to his command. He is not violating any regulatons presently. He is paying what he is required to pay. If you need more than that you will have to petition the court for child support and/or spousal support. Child support I agree with if you have custody of the kids or they are living with you full time. You have to balance what he is paying you now (905$) against what your attorney thinks you can get in the court system. What paygrade is your husband? He should expect to pay 1/2 of all bills until court orders are in place.


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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Irish,
> There will not be any negative repercussions on his career if you go to his command. He is not violating any regulatons presently. He is paying what he is required to pay. If you need more than that you will have to petition the court for child support and/or spousal support. Child support I agree with if you have custody of the kids or they are living with you full time. You have to balance what he is paying you now (905$) against what your attorney thinks you can get in the court system. What paygrade is your husband? He should expect to pay 1/2 of all bills until court orders are in place.


He got his e6 on March 1. The majority of our bills were already separate due to a separation a few years back. Plus, I really do pride myself in being able to support my own desires and dreams. He however has started acting like I am out to get his money and using it against me. His negotiations with me have been like "if you don't fight me and agree to the terms it will cost less and I will be able to help pay childcare this summer. Once again, he is e one that left me, and I had no desire for any of this to happen. He's nt totally crazy but seems to be going through a tri-life crisis (he turned 29 I. feb) I just really want him to pay his half of our joint expenses, mainly daycare, but also a rental home we own, joint insurance we share. I really hate the legal side of all this AND I hate the emotional side. My best friend is gone and some stranger has replaced him. I also worry that perhaps he is having sme delayed PTSD reaction. He has deployed twice and was involved with the Fort Hood shooting (which I think is the reason we really reconciled last time, things like that put what matters into perspective) I don't understand what's going on with him and almost want to contact command out of concern more than need for support.
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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

If you feel he needs psychiatric help, then you should report that. Two deployments plus Fort Hood? Yeah, that's alot to handle.

You have to accpet something. The husband that you married is gone. He may come back but for now he is gone. You need to work on yourself and stay strong for your children.

Can you negotiate with your STBXH? It doesn't sound like it so an uncontested divorce is probably out of the question. 

You will have to go to Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court and file for custody, child support, and spousal support since you are separated. You should not need an attorney for this. The clerk will give you the forms, you fill them out, and file them and your husband will be served with a notice of hearing. Go to court and get what you need. Be prepared with your expenses and income and ask the court specifically for what you need from him. Once these orders are in place, then you live out the separation period and then petition for final divorce. I am sure he will be upset when you file for these orders, but oh well, your kids need to be provided for by both parents.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Having been the Senior Enlisted in a command in which something similar happened, don't get your hopes up too high from the military point of view.
The military gives your husband BAH and/or free housing to help support his family. The military does not and can not legally make a judgement against him for additional support.
Depending on what unit he is in, their community standing, etc, his SNCO or CO can "pursuade" him to do what's right, but they can't force it.
I know that this is not the news that you wanted to hear, but that's the way it rolls.


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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

I understand, I'm not too disappointed. He is actually supposed to be served this afternoon with the petition requesting child support. I think what will make him most angry is that he will now have to go to his command to request the time to go to court for the hearing. I'm not trying to be vindictive but he sure as hell didn't ask me if it was convenient for him to leave me the same day and week we were moving and I starting a new job, so I don't feel too bad if the 16th doesn't work into his "schedule" ....Gotta put my fighting gloves on now I guess...
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

LUCKYIRISH676 said:


> I understand, I'm not too disappointed. He is actually supposed to be served this afternoon with the petition requesting child support. I think what will make him most angry is that he will now have to go to his command to request the time to go to court for the hearing. I'm not trying to be vindictive but he sure as hell didn't ask me if it was convenient for him to leave me the same day and week we were moving and I starting a new job, so I don't feel too bad if the 16th doesn't work into his "schedule" ....Gotta put my fighting gloves on now I guess...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His asking for time off to deal with you will not look good. He will likely try to guilt you over that. Don't let it happen. Just tell him that if he had done what's right, then you wouldn't have taken this step.
Also, since you are still married, tell the spouse support group leader what's up. They can still help you out.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

There won't be any negative consequences for your husband. He will have a notice of hearing from the court which the military MUST honor unless he is deployed. What is your custody agreement. Do you have the kids full time or do you split the time 50/50?


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## LUCKYIRISH676 (Apr 4, 2012)

Right now everything is just through communication so he is every other weekend with the kids. I'm not sure how his schedule will be when he starts the program next Monday. He is in the Interservice Physician Assistants Program which I've heard is fairly intensive. His timing for this all sucks!
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