# Rough day, pregnant wife, big fight.



## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

Hello all,

First time posting here and I just wanted insight into these recent argument I had with my Wife. We are going to counselling in regards to it next week but I just wanted get your guys opinion.

Backstory:
Wife and I were doing some shopping and we were both little frustrated with the day. My wife is pregnant and near the end of the pregnancy. We have a daughter who sometimes just wants her mom to do everything. Overall we were both little agitated as I wanted to help and my wife is pregnant and tired. 

The situation started when I was trying to put my daughter in the car and was trying to buckle her up but she refused for me to buckle her up and wanted only mom to do it. So I said okay and when back to the driver seat and waited for her to stop crying from her tantrum. My wife asked my daughter if she sets in the back with her will she buckle her seat belt and she agreed. So my wife went to the back seat and as she got in she dinged the car next to us twice and that’s when the argument started. 

I had said that: “[wife name] that’s not nice, you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars).

That’s when my wife got upset and said: “do you think I am dumb, I know I hit the car, I didn’t hit the car on purpose, you don’t need to say everything, cant you see this is not the time, do you think I have dementia and really need to tell me I hit the car? etc.” She continued to scream and yell, mocking me etc. and I told her to “I can say anything I want and please stop, you are being defensive and yelling next to our child”.

After I said that she screamed, swore at me, insulted me and yelled all the way home. Got to the point where I could not even drown her out by putting the music higher. I told her to stop speaking to me this way and she didn’t stop. I just stayed quiet and I got home and I got out of the car and walked away. We didn’t speak rest of the night.

The next day she told me that I hurt her feelings by telling her “that’s not nice” and that I need to be more emotionally intelligent and saying “that’s not nice” is condescending to her and that I need to be more aware of the situation where if the kid is crying, she’s pregnant and we have had a rough day, I shouldn’t need to say “that’s not nice or anything at all”. Also I should have clued in she's upset about something and just said “your right, sorry and stopped”

I am still angry the way she spoke to me and I told her I am not going to tolerate that kind of behavior and told her I was sorry for hurting her feelings but yelling and screaming in front of our kid is not acceptable for neither of us. I explained that if I hurt your feelings instead of attacking me and going on the offense, she needs to just state, Hey you hurt my feelings by saying that please stop or even this is not the time, instead of expecting me to just clue in.

She blames me that its my fault with how it started and there is no way a sensible person under that much frustration can calmly state their feelings. She also said I need to be more aware of the situation before saying my opinion. I completely disagree and I just wanted to get everyone’s opinion on how I handled this and if regardless of what’s happening or frustrating, communicative your feelings effectively is still must and screaming and yelling is not okay. 

Also is saying “that’s not nice” condescending or demeaning?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s heavily pregnant. 
All bets are off.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Why did you feel compelled to point out to her that she hit the car?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Yeah, hormones can do crazy things to emotions. If this is totally out of character for her, don't worry about it. 

But with your daughter, you should probably be firmer and not give into her tantrums. You could have stepped back and said you'd buckle her up once she calmed down. Then let her ball her eyes out until she is tired of crying. If she has a tantrum in a public place, say that's not allowed in public, take her to the car, and tell her she'll have to finish crying in the car. When she's young is the time to nip this stuff in the bud or else you'll be dealing with this kind of behavior forever. She needs to learn that a tantrum is just a bunch of crying that doesn't change anything rather than a method to get things her way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Why were you compelled to allow your daughter to call the shots on who will belt her into the car seat? Nah, crying(tantrum) for pregnant mommy to do it should not fly. Guaranteed your W was a bit pissed as she struggled to belt in the child that you should have handled. But that is just me.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

Mainly because it was the second time hitting the car within seconds. I thought maybe the first time was accident but second time maybe she didn't know that she was hitting the car and we get frustrated when we've seen a couple dings on our car with people doing that to us.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you say she screamed, swore at you, insulted you etc what do you mean? What sort of things did she say? Does she act like this at other times?


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

wilson said:


> Yeah, hormones can do crazy things to emotions. If this is totally out of character for her, don't worry about it.
> 
> But with your daughter, you should probably be firmer and not give into her tantrums. You could have stepped back and said you'd buckle her up once she calmed down. Then let her ball her eyes out until she is tired of crying. If she has a tantrum in a public place, say that's not allowed in public, take her to the car, and tell her she'll have to finish crying in the car. When she's young is the time to nip this stuff in the bud or else you'll be dealing with this kind of behavior forever. She needs to learn that a tantrum is just a bunch of crying that doesn't change anything rather than a method to get things her way.



This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling. 


I had said that to our daughter that I will buckle her in once you have calmed down and wasn't going to fight with her to buckle her in and went to the driver seat. That's when my wife stepped in and asked my daughter if she sets in the back with her will she buckle her seat belt and she agreed.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> When you say she screamed, swore at you, insulted you etc what do you mean? What sort of things did she say? Does she act like this at other times?


she said you are a F'ing idiot or who doesn't have half a brain, you are the dumbest person I know, you have such a ego, I am selfish and only care about myself that's why I needed to say that. Your not coming to the doctors appointment anymore, I dont want you there, repeating what I said but mockingly etc. 


I dont remember all of it exactly and was trying to tune her out so I wouldn't fight back


When she gets angry, she goes on the offense like this and is one of the reasons why I wanted to start counselling.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Hbh said:


> This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling.
> 
> 
> I had said that to our daughter that I will buckle her in once you have calmed down and wasn't going to fight with her to buckle her in and went to the driver seat. That's when my wife stepped in and asked my daughter if she sets in the back with her will she buckle her seat belt and she agreed.


Oh, so you were giving your daughter time to work through her tantrum and and mom jumped in to buckle her up. Ugh. You guys really need to be on the same page with this or else she's going to be pitting you guys against each other to get her way. But it sounds like you guys have your own communication problems to deal with first. Regardless of the issue, she shouldn't be getting so mad and defensive. It's unproductive and harmful to your relationship. It's almost like she's having a tantrum, so maybe you should walk away and tell her that she can discuss the matter when she's calm and respectful. But her way of speaking to you is very unhealthy and likely will need counselling to address. Of course, we all know how hard that will be to get her to go.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When they're that pregnant man, you gotta just grin and bear it. Their hormones are nuts, they're uncomfortable, tired, and stressed out.

Just be there and do the best (and calmest) job you can.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Probably not what you want to hear but life ain't fair.

Your wife is 9 months pregnant (probably feels like crap all the time) and stress/anger are very bad for both her and the baby. Until that baby is here and your wife recovers for a bit your feelings matter not one bit. Zip. Nada. Nothing.

Their health is more important.

And I know you didn't mean it but telling her it's not nice is condescending; that's how you talk to a 5 year old.

Agree with everything she says. If she says you're a ****ing idiot then you're a ****ing idiot. Once that baby is here then you can tell her not to speak to you like that. 

I have two sons....I know of what I speak.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apologize that you upset her, tell her that wasn't what you were trying to do, deal with these in a couple months.

You might be in for a long road.

She might be showing you how she is going to be post kid(s). Having two is a different deal.

Once baby is here, I would be in the camp of talk to me like that again (especially in front of our child) and it will be the end of our relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hbh said:


> she said you are a F'ing idiot or who doesn't have half a brain, you are the dumbest person I know, you have such a ego, I am selfish and only care about myself that's why I needed to say that. Your not coming to the doctors appointment anymore, I dont want you there, repeating what I said but mockingly etc.
> 
> 
> I dont remember all of it exactly and was trying to tune her out so I wouldn't fight back
> ...


\So she is emotionally abusive. I just cant imagine why anyone would speak to their spouse that way and say such appalling things. No way would I put up with that and being pregnant is no excuse to be abusive.
Acting that way in front of a small child is even worse, poor kid.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It sounds like both of you fly off the handle a bit... sometimes more than a bit, and you're looking for validation for your side of the fence. Especially when you tell you're wife she's being "defensive" which, sorry, there's nothing ever good that will come from that during the heat of battle. And you know it. You knew when you said some of the thing you did that they weren't going to calm her down. You just ratcheted things upward.

If that's how things typically play out; if there's not one of you willing to occasionally affirm that things are going badly for the other, sorry, and walk it back a bit... well, that's not good.

You both do need counseling, but neither of you can go into it with the idea that you're right and the other is going to find out that they're wrong. You need to figure out how important marriage is to you. What would it be like if you didn't have each other. Is there something worth fighting for. And accept that if you don't actually change, you're going to lose it. Then you've got a chance.

So unlike others here, I'm not willing to dismiss everything because your wife is 9 months pregnant. Especially since you came into this with the attitude that you're right and she's wrong. You've got to be willing to cave in. Especially since she's 9 months pregnant.

Show her your best, along with your vulnerability. Encourage her to do the same. Encourage her to be scared with you.

OK, having said all that, this might not be the exact right time to do so, being extremely pregnant and having to focus on a new kid very quickly. But you'd better get to it soon. For now, it's unrealistic to have expectations of her acting reasonable, but that doesn't give you the right to act the same. 

Wow. If only I could do as well as I can say.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If she damaged the other car I hope you left a note with your information.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Take it from a woman pregnancy is HARD and I hope your wife just could not take it, too much coming at her and you were safe to explode on. My question here is why you thought you needed to point out to her that she hit the other car with her door? And why were you not more firm with your daughter? Seems to me this is not just about your wife's reactions but your own actions and how you might have handled things differently to have had a different outcome.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I did not read your entire post. I saw heavily pregnant and stopped.

Hormones. They suck. BIG TIME. She cannot help it.

Just get Curry, or Ice Cream at 2 am.

If it does not change, then..


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Perhaps this is the time to make sure your family gets enough good nourishing food, adequate sleep and exercise, etc. Try to avoid things that are too tiring for anyone. The next four to six months are going to be critical.

Gradually, work on communication, respect, caring words. Therapy will be helpful when you both are in a more normal circumstance. 

BTW: your daughter is likely to be even more of a terror what with her age, new baby, tired parents, new lifestyle. Hope you have friends and/or family who are able to help--even now.

There are many books and online aids to life during times such as these--they will be helpful now and later. Don't think right and wrong so much as different--you both could handle things in a way that benefits all.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hbh said:


> Hello all,
> 
> First time posting here and I just wanted insight into these recent argument I had with my Wife. We are going to counselling in regards to it next week but I just wanted get your guys opinion.
> 
> ...


Ok, not reading any other post, you were not in the wrong, she got bent out of shape for nothing. You do not owe her an apology, as l see it. And no you don't deserve to get the yelling thing pregnant or not. Just because your pregnant doesn't dissolve intelligence, she should not have gotten it the rear seat and your should have strapped your DD. Because she can throw a fit and it works , is similar to your wife throwing a fit. 

You need to get your balls out of your wife's purse, and put'em back in the boxers. You in for a long and miserable marriage, with such a selfish person. Quit being that nice guy mentality, get some confidence and take your licks to get your point across. Or get a divorce and you will be much happier. Get a grip... Hbh


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hbh said:


> This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling.
> .


Ok, you just confirmed my post. Get away as fast as you can.


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## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

Speaking as a gal who had a lot of hormonal changes both during and for a long time after pregnancy, I can understand her feelings. 
It would have sounded condescending to me as well, and the response of “I can say what I want” probably fueled the rage in the moment also. 
I’m going to assume you didn’t do I intentionally, but it also probably escalated on her side as well-more than she really probably wanted it to. 
I personally internalize a lot of my feelings and thoughts and have unrealistic expectations for my husband when it comes to knowing how I feel or what I want. I’m not exactly sure why I’m like that. It’s almost like a fear of being vulnerable or showing a weakness, in a way. If that makes sense. I wonder if she’s ever had experiences in life where she wasnt able to be vulnerable without it costing her something, so instead she just expresses her hurt with harshness. 
By no means does it make it okay, though. It’s disrespectful and not fair to you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ah nope. Your wife losing it is one thing, hormones are funny. That behavior is unacceptable by any stretch pregnant or not. She hit another car twice who isn’t going to say something. The names you mentioned aren’t hormonal then you add it occurred before and has been constant.

Your wife was already abusive and the pregnancy has made it worse. Did she act like this before the first child was born?

Get counseling because your daughter is learning this trash behavior.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Livvie said:


> If she damaged the other car I hope you left a note with your information.


So...WAS the other car damaged? Did she take responsibility for it with the car's owner?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Ah nope. Your wife losing it is one thing, hormones are funny. That behavior is unacceptable by any stretch pregnant or not. She hit another car twice who isn’t going to say something. The names you mentioned aren’t hormonal then you add it occurred before and has been constant.
> 
> Your wife was already abusive and the pregnancy has made it worse. Did she act like this before the first child was born?
> 
> Get counseling because your daughter is learning this trash behavior.


I second this. And yes, I'm a woman and I've been pregnant a couple of times, with a toddler, too.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

The things OP's wife said being excused by pregnancy? GTFO. 
Did people not read how she was prior to pregnancy? Sounded like a horrible person then. Hormones arent some get out of jail free card.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would recommend MC at this point... and why did you decide to have another child with her? :scratchhead:


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Pregnant or not, there is no excuse for verbal abuse. My opinion is that you wife crossed the line. My wife used to act in a similar fashion with the belittling and name calling; screaming, etc. until I finally got my fill of it and understood that the behavior would continue unless I put a stop to it. So after one of her tirades, I told her that I had enough by pointing out that she was being disrespectful of me and I would not tolerate a wife who did not respect me. When I set that boundary, she pushed back and I pushed back harder until she understood that I was dead serious. That was five years ago. On two occasions since then, I have had to remind her of the boundary when she would start up and she immediately backed down. If she continues to get by with her behavior with no consequences, her behavior will continue to get worse. Put a stop to it now.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Hbh said:


> This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling.


If these outbursts appear to be out of character for her and only seem to happen at certain times of the month, one possibility is PMS.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

wilson said:


> If these outbursts appear to be out of character for her and only seem to happen at certain times of the month, one possibility is PMS.




Dude...she’s pregnant. How did you miss that?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Dude...she’s pregnant. How did you miss that?


He was saying the outbursts have happened even when she was not pregnant. If she's hormone sensitive, then PMS hormone changes might have a similar effect as pregnancy hormones.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Hbh said:


> Your not coming to the doctors appointment anymore, I dont want you there


Is she following through with this part?

If so, that seems like a serious problem.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

Thanks everyone for the responses. From what I read these were the main questions:

1. Why wasn't I more firm with my daughter?
I explained it to her that I was going to buckle the seat and mom wasn't. But she started crying and resisting and I dont believe in over powering a child in situations like this. So had I told her I'll buckle her back in once she has calmed down and when to the driver seat. That's when my wife had decided to step in and tell my daughter that if she sits in the back, she'll buckle her in. 

2. Tolerating her reaction.

I totally agree and I guess for me its getting to the point that I cannot tolerate this type of behavior anymore and its impacting my self esteem being spoken to that way. I've weathered the storm throughout the pregnancy and she does sometimes give me a half ass apology afterwards but this is something I cannot tolerate going forward and need to reset the boundaries again. Prior to the pregnancy we had gone to MC and she said she would get better at communicating and it did get a bit better until the second pregnancy.

3. The car wasn't damaged, I had checked it before leaving while she was yelling at me. I personally hate when people ding others cars when getting in.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

For me its not about being right or wrong. I just want to learn and understand what I did wrong and grow from it.

I agree this is probably not the best time to start setting boundaries as she is pregnant. I just want to learn for the future so we can get through these moments without damaging our relationship. 

I definitely could have worded my initial reaction differently as well as my reaction to her defensiveness and that's something that I have been doing some self reflection. 

However, I still believe that doesn't matter how mad you are, you still need to communicate respectfully (this is something I will bring up in MC). I still think all the "you statements", going on the offense is not right and is not going to make our relationship stronger and better. I believe if she had just focused on her own feelings and just had said "I dont appreciate you telling me that's not nice etc." I definitely would have reacted better and just had said sorry and we could have talked about it after. 

I think you cannot control what others say and there has been a lot of times where she has said something I do not like and instead of going on the offense I would just tell her to stop and that I dont appreciate you saying that versus going on the offense and attacking back. So I guess I think that if I can do it and we both have previously agreed that we would work on this, that its not okay for us to act that way in front of our kids or to speak to each other, I am having a hard time understanding why its still happening on her part. 

I am sure there will be a lot of times where we are going to be tired, stressed, agitated when the baby is born and I think communicating our frustration by yelling at each other isn't going to turn out good.

So my question here is, if someone says something and your frustrated or whatever your feeling, do you still need to communicate respectfully? anyone have any tips or tricks to do that in those moments?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In your place I would say that if you scream and shout and call me names etc, then I am going to walk away/out of the room. You will need to be consistent. Hopefully when she hasn't got an audience she will stop.
IT must be horrible for your child to see that abuse towards her dad so much. I hope she doesn't copy when she is older.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hbh said:


> *she said you are a F'ing idiot* or *who doesn't have half a brain*, *you are the dumbest person I know*, you have such a ego, I am selfish and only care about myself that's why I needed to say that. Your not coming to the doctors appointment anymore,* I dont want you there*, repeating what I said but mockingly etc.
> 
> 
> I dont remember all of it exactly and was trying to tune her out so I wouldn't fight back
> ...





Hbh said:


> So my question here is, if someone says something and your frustrated or whatever your feeling, do you still need to communicate respectfully? anyone have any tips or tricks to do that in those moments?


Of course you still need to communicate respectfully.

I have no tips and tricks to do in those moments besides YOUR WIFE NEEDS COUNSELING. You can go with her if it helps. But normal people do not communicate with their spouse (who the are supposed to love) like that even when they are stressed, hormonal, drunk, whatever. Snapping at a spouse is one thing, but your wife is either a downright mean person or had HORRIBLE behavior modeled for her by her parents.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Snapping at a spouse is one thing, but your wife is either a downright mean person or had HORRIBLE behavior modeled for her by her parents.


And keep in mind that children learn how to behave in relationships from what they see from their parents. If kids see parents regularly having having blowout arguments filled with insults and cursing, then there's a good chance they'll do the same in their own relationships when they're older. So not only should she be respectful because you're her husband, but also because she should teach her children the proper way to handle disagreements.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I don’t like how you sound right now.

Can you answer a few more questions?

Was she like this when you were dating?
Was she like this when you were first married?
Was she like this before she was pregnant?
Did this behavior continue after the First pregnancy?
Define “a bit” better.

Thanks.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I don’t like how you sound right now.
> 
> Can you answer a few more questions?
> 
> ...



While we were dating, she never reacted this way even if I had upset her. We never lived together due to cultural reasons and was always positive communication. 


When we first married, she would occasionally show frustration and snap back but immediately apologize. She did snap quite a bit at her parents and her parents are divorced and used to fight a lot in front of her (scream, yell, throw things etc.)

During and after first pregnancy is when it got bad. I tolerated it because of the pregnancy and tried to just make her happy and became content to it.

After our daughter was born it continued and got worse and worse and that's when I put a stop to it and wanted to go to MC. It got to the point for me where it impacted my self esteem self confidence and self worth. 

We continued counselling for about 5 months and the communication got bit better with maybe 2 occasions that this happened. MC helped us understand how values and tools to work on better communication. She got pregnant again as we have always wants to 2 kids close in age and once she got pregnant this time, her communicated just reverted back to her disrespectful way and has continued through this pregnancy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I had said that: “[wife name]* that’s not nice,* you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars)."

I'm trying to figure out what you hoped to accomplish with your judgmental comment. Obviously, it was an accident as she was trying to waddle into the back seat. 

Yes, you can say anything you want (as can every 5 year old we know). So, why didn't you say "Hey, hon, do you realize you've been tapping the car next to us?". Because, she didn't ding it as you checked it out after she was able to load her carcass into the back seat. Better yet, you could have checked for damage before saying anything.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hbh said:


> Hello all,
> 
> First time posting here and I just wanted insight into these recent argument I had with my Wife. We are going to counselling in regards to it next week but I just wanted get your guys opinion.
> 
> ...


My wife occasionally gets this way.

It is pure projection of what her inside voice says to her. She has low self esteem...right?

"Wife, I lack the ability or motivation to compete with your internal dialogue."

Then, when she loses her **** over hearing that, simply say:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then walk away and go do something you want to do. 



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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't care how pregnant or hormonal she may be. 

Could you have massaged your delivery? Sure. However...

This continues because you have allowed it to continue. It is abuse...plain and simple. 

In the meantime, my go to statement would be something akin to:

"I've tried to figure out how I could have better said it, but I'm simply too stupid to figure it out."

But then again, there are times where all of my ****s seemingly disappear, leaving me none left to give. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> "I had said that: “[wife name]* that’s not nice,* you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars)."
> 
> I'm trying to figure out what you hoped to accomplish with your judgmental comment. Obviously, it was an accident as she was trying to waddle into the back seat.
> 
> Yes, you can say anything you want (as can every 5 year old we know). So, why didn't you say "Hey, hon, do you realize you've been tapping the car next to us?". Because, she didn't ding it as you checked it out after she was able to load her carcass into the back seat. Better yet, you could have checked for damage before saying anything.


I wasn't hoping for anything other than just letting her know. I agree, I could have definitely worded it better and I apologized for that and told her that I will try in the future to better word things. My problem is with the reaction and that's I will speak to in MC next week.


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## Hbh (Jan 7, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> I don't care how pregnant or hormonal she may be.
> 
> Could you have massaged your delivery? Sure. However...
> 
> ...



Yup I believe it was abusive language as well and just a simple "hey that's not nice for saying that or I dont appreciate you saying that" and I would have just apologized. For me its not about right or wrong, if I hurt her feelings regardless of how I feel I would just said sorry for hurting her feelings. I will speak to MC about the abusive language and about setting boundaries around this. 

Thanks for the response


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

People learn communication styles from their parents but that can be changed. My mother was a screamer and said very demeaning things when she was mad. The second time I said not so nice things to my ex-husband he told me that if I wanted the marriage to last I would not talk to him like that. 

After our first child was born I screamed at her once. He reminded me that I would not be allowed to scream at our children, that although she was a child, she deserved to be treated with kindness and respect. It was the greatest lesson I ever learned. I hadn’t even realized I had screamed at her until he brought it to my attention. 

My ex was not abusive (neither verbally or physically) but let me know early what would be tolerated and what would not. To this day I appreciate that. 

Let your wife know the same (but maybe wait until she gives birth). Perhaps she just needs to unlearn some bad behavior.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hbh said:


> While we were dating, she never reacted this way even if I had upset her. We never lived together due to cultural reasons and was always positive communication.
> 
> 
> When we first married, she would occasionally show frustration and snap back but immediately apologize. She did snap quite a bit at her parents and her parents are divorced and used to fight a lot in front of her (scream, yell, throw things etc.)
> ...


Thanks.

You are in an abusive relationship. If you are going to stay MC isn’t going to help. She has other issues she needs to get fixed. She needs an IC before you deal with marriage issues.

Yes, I read your other responses. No, you couldn’t have worded it better. Your posts have shown you work on communication and she still blows up.

Quit looking solely at yourself.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Agree it's tough when you take the blame and the other has little or no repercussions. You must be able to allow others own their own failures. Being such an nonconfronting person. You should take some confidence/self-esteem IC with someone who specializes in helping nonconfronting to confidence building persona.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What would her ideal response to your comment have been? Yes, she went off the rails with the way she did respond.

You state you made the comment to just let her know.:bsflag: People know when the door they are opening meets resistance. And, you know it. Are you sure you weren't a little irked by the way she took over the handling of the daughter situation and cut you out? So; you made the snotty, accusing, judgmental comment to get back at her? 

Passive-aggressive behavior can kill a marriage. Think about it. You both have work to do.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

A few thoughts on this that I would like to share if I may:


I understand that pointing out that hitting a car door twice is not nice can be irritating and annoying - and if the recipient is already uncomfortable and/or in a bad mood and/or pregnant, then flying off the handle in responding is to be expected.


That being said, I agree with those that say this is just the beginning and that she is showing signs of what is to come. It sounds like you may well be in or end up in an abusive relationship. And when you couple somebody that likes to be right or point out obvious errors with someone who is naturally abusive, then you have nothing but misery.


I also agree that three things should happen after this: first, apologize for being annoying, then calmly point out that if she continues to talk to you like this in the future then the end (divorce) is nigh, and finally that both of you need to get some individual counseling.

Good luck


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Pregnancy, even in your own head, is giving her a pass. It is so common posters are giving you advice, you have already done. Heck, some are even missing the FACT you said MC occurred because of her terrible and common behavior.

Stop it. It sounds like you are backing back into low self esteem and sounding like an abused spouse. 

I did this wrong.
What can I do to be better.
We were both wrong.
I should have changed my words.
I apologized.
I am hurt, but she is pregnant.
I tried to make her happy.

If this was the only time, I might agree. You had to force her into MC to slow it down. You didn’t say she became better, you said a “bit“ better. That isn’t progress. The key point is IT DIDN’T STOP.

IT DIDN’T STOP!!!!!

Be very careful, do not accept the behavior because she is pregnant, you might have been irritated and she had zero patience with your parenting style.

You have already apologized.
You set a another boundary.
You explained your side.

Yet, you are the bad person who should have understood her position. Let me guess, that’s what she has done before. She placed the blame for her actions on you.

She has done this REPEATEDLY through your marriage pregnancy or not.

I am not saying divorce, but you need to tell her “****ing idiot” and words in that area are no longer going to be tolerated.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Just a comment. Wife2 a couple times went off ranting about how stupid I am blah blah blah and then I told her that was obvious to everyone as I had married her. She never called me stupid again. A few times I could tell she wanted to but she stopped herself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hbh said:


> Yup I believe it was abusive language as well and just a simple "hey that's not nice for saying that or I dont appreciate you saying that" and I would have just apologized. For me its not about right or wrong, if I hurt her feelings regardless of how I feel I would just said sorry for hurting her feelings. I will speak to MC about the abusive language and about setting boundaries around this.
> 
> Thanks for the response


My problem is that your wife chose to yell and scream at the top of her voice so loudly that your car stereo could not drown her out. And that she considered this to be totally acceptable and appropriate behaviour whilst her yelling, screaming mouth was mere inches away from her own toddler's ears? 

*That's unacceptable behaviour from your wife and likely to damage your child. And borders on child abuse. But that's probably the last thing your wife would consider. *


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you said to her, what she said to you, she would be irate.

She is tipping the scales.

What you send was a grain of sand compared to a ton of bricks that she piled on.

I am very familiar with this and had the same thing happen to me post kids. Just like you, wife's parents were also fully argumentative. They model this.

You're going to need to be very firm with what is acceptable. It will be like breaking a wild horse trying to get her to admit she is the problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

re16 said:


> If you said to her, what she said to you, she would be irate.
> 
> She is tipping the scales.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My wife learned that the best way to communicate is by having horrible arguments from her parents.


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