# Friend hitting on wife?



## rbstewart

*Background:* My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. I have a best friend from college who my wife has known since we got married. We all have been close over the years.

We used to visit my friend and his wife many times over the last 20 years. Many times staying at his house (Chicago) for the weekend. His kids and my kids grew up together, now all the kids are grown up and on their own. My friend has been separated for the last 2.5 years, with the divorce being finalized last week. (His 2nd divorce)

Anyway, we continued to visit him and spend weekends together even after his separation. Last labor day, we went to visit him for the weekend and see my son, who also lives in Chicago. 

The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife. Saturday night he slept on the couch in his boxers and my wife and I slept in his bedroom. Sunday morning he woke up and started making breakfast in his boxers, no shirt. He did not put any clothes on when my wife woke up and came out of the bedroom. He stood very close to my wife in the kitchen explaining what he was going to make for breakfast.

I was offended, and told him to put his pants on. He finally put them on after I told him off. My wife and I soon left and spent the rest of the day at my son's house.

My wife always asks how he is and thinks I should be close friends again. WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?


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## naiveonedave

stay the f away and keep your W away. This is a chit test for a c8ckblock


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## rbstewart

What is a chit test and c8ckblock


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## rbstewart

The problem is, my wife was not offended by him cooking in his boxers????


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## harrybrown

She should have been offended.

Ask her how she would like it if you cooked some sweet thing breakfast in your boxers.

I would go NC on the that "friend" and tell your wife you are not happy with her wanting an affair with her "friend". 

He is not your friend.

Get him out of your life.


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## mpgunner

What if your wife came down in her bra/panties (or T-shirt with no panties) and stood close. What signals would that send to him/you?

ALARMS!!!


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## naiveonedave

Actually, I think you need to call her out for wanting you to get clsoer to this guy she apparently *is crushing on*. Both him and your W are in the wrong. Him for blatantly hitting on her and her for not putting a stop to it. All while you are there. That is very demeaning.

Also, her asking about him is for her to get the scoop if he is still available and how much you will interfere if they make themselves available to each other. This situation is much worse than you think.


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## Lostinthought61

i suspect your wife like his attention, almost on a flirtation manner, but with serious overtones...the next time you are going to see him i would remind him that so and so is your wife not his, and you would appreciate that he maintain his boundaries. on the flip side i would do a couple things with your wife, i would say nothing to her about your conversation with him, and see if it gets back to her...also spend some quality time paying more attention to her. In the former, if she mentions something to you then you know he is reaching out to her behind you back and then you have a bigger problem. just my 2 cents


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## naiveonedave

I would rather go NC with the friend and listen to see if she mentions him. Also consider checking to see if they are in contact in other ways. Email or phone or in person.

Lots of red flags here, imo.


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## tom67

naiveonedave said:


> I would rather go NC with the friend and listen to see if she mentions him. Also consider checking to see if they are in contact in other ways. Email or phone or in person.
> 
> Lots of red flags here, imo.


If there still is contact between the two of them stop this NOW!


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## TRy

rbstewart said:


> I was offended, and told him to put his pants on. He finally put them on after I told him off. My wife and I soon left and spent the rest of the day at my son's house.


 You did exactly the right thing. Great job. Far too many men are weak at times like this and pay for it later.


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## Philat

rbstewart said:


> My wife always asks how he is and thinks I should be close friends again. WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?


Ask her what's in it for her?


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## TRy

rbstewart said:


> My wife always asks how he is and thinks I should be close friends again. WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?





rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife was not offended by him cooking in his boxers????


 Your wife was out of line for not telling him to put his pants on, and for staying downstairs with him dressed inappropriately like that before you got there. She also knew that he was dressed liked that from the night before, and went downstairs without you to interact with him knowing what to expect. Had you left for an early morning meeting, this would have been allowed to play out by your wife as she clearly liked the attention that he was giving her, and has as much of a crush on him as he does on her.

Get angry at her the next time that she bring the other man up, and tell her that they both acted inappropriately which is why you ended the friendship. Also, make it clear that there is to be full no contact with this man by her.


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## rbstewart

No, No, No, Clarification here. 

My wife came into the room after I was there. When he was walking around in his boxers, I was wondering if he would put his pants on when my wife came into the room. He never did until I told him to.


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## rbstewart

I told him I thought that was inappropriate in not so nice words.


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## Tobyboy

Just a few questions. 
Why did your friend get divorce?
Does your W have a facebook account and is he a friend of hers?
How often does your W mention your ex friend?


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## phoenix_

What was your wife's reaction when he was standing close to her almost naked? What was her expression? Was she smiling a lot?


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## chillymorn

not much of a friend.

cut him out of your life. why did he get divorced 2 times.....was he a cheater?

make sure hes not contacting your wife.....as for your wifes attitude about you being friends again with him. next time she mentions it look her in the eye and say friends don't try to hit on other friends wives.


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## richie33

30 year friendship down the drain. Sorry but I don't agree with the others. I would have at the very least talked to him and find out his thinking.


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## rbstewart

She said she didn't notice.


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## murphy5

rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife was not offended by him cooking in his boxers????


cooking in boxers is not that bad. I draw the line at cooking bacon in the nude....ouch


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## tom67

I hope you both have access to each others emails and cell phones if not that should change TODAY!
She shouldn't have a problem with this and if she does well there is something going on.


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## naiveonedave

Richie - what will talking do? If he was innocent he will say so, if he wasn't he will lie. You won't get anywhere and it makes you look weak. Wha the OP did was strong


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## phoenix_

rbstewart said:


> She said she didn't notice.


How close was she?
When you spoke to her about it was offended or did she deny it?


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## Jellybeans

Devil's advocate here:

Labor Day was a year ago almost. What exactly did you tell him at that time?

I am imagining myself in your wife's position: at someone else's house and they are maing breakfast. Do I tell someone to put his shirt on, the person of the home I am staying at? I would feel weird honestly: weird that they are in their boxers and weird for telling them to put a shirt on on in their own house. 

Did you explain to your wife how you feel he was trying to hit on her?


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## Nigel Pinchley

I think you might be reading a bit too much into this.

While at your friend's house, your friend slept in his boxers, then immediately got up and started cooking breakfast while still in his boxers. You went downstairs to the kitchen with him, then later your wife joined both of you. Once your wife joined you, he did not put on his pants until you asked him to.

Whether you like or agree with it or not, it is his house, and appropriate or not, he's free to garb himself however he chooses in it.

Second, not everyone feels the same amount of discomfort or reads the same innuendo into various states of undress.

I do agree that it was a bit impolite of him to be walking around the house in just his boxers, but I think that's about the end of it. Unless you have some other evidence besides what you've laid out here, I think assuming some sort of misconduct on him or your wife is a bit of a stretch.


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## Jellybeans

rbstewart said:


> No, No, No, Clarification here.
> 
> *My wife came into the room after I was there. *When he was walking around in his boxers, I was wondering if he would put his pants on when my wife came into the room. He never did until I told him to.


Oh so YOU were in the kitchen with him while he was in his boxers and did not take issue with it until she walked in?

Sorry, but I think it's kind of fcked up how everyone assumes your wife is a harpy for walking into the kitchen where you were with your friend and had no issue until she arrived. 

God forbid a woman walk into a room where her husband is with his friend. She must want your friend's c-ck if she walked into the kitchen where you were with him making breakfast.

Oy. Women. We just can't win.


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## Jellybeans

Nigel Pinchley said:


> I think you might be reading a bit too much into this.
> 
> While at your friend's house, your friend slept in his boxers, then immediately got up and started cooking breakfast while still in his boxers. You went downstairs to the kitchen with him, then later your wife joined both of you. Once your wife joined you, he did not put on his pants until you asked him to.
> 
> Whether you like or agree with it or not, it is his house, and appropriate or not, he's free to garb himself however he chooses in it.
> 
> Second, not everyone feels the same amount of discomfort or reads the same innuendo into various states of undress.
> 
> I do agree that it was a bit impolite of him to be walking around the house in just his boxers, but I think that's about the end of it. Unless you have some other evidence besides what you've laid out here, I think assuming some sort of misconduct on him or your wife is a bit of a stretch.


:iagree:


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## rbstewart

Like the blue ones.


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## michzz

Boxers no big. Tightie-whities? Deal killer.


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## rbstewart

I would agree, I guess I am too sensitive?


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## Big Tree

I had a different reaction to this post. I ended up empathizing with your friend. What if your friend's side of the story sounds like this...?

My lifelong friend and his wife come to visit. I vacate my bedroom so they can be comfortable and I sleep on the couch. I awake early and decide to start breakfast. I would have put more clothes on...but my clothes and robe are all in my bedroom and I don't want to interrupt the sleep of my guests.

My buddy comes in to the kitchen and we strike up a conversation while I cook. At some point, his wife enters the room. I guess I forgot that I was standing there in my boxers. Suddenly, my lifelong friend is chewing me out for being a jerk. I guess I get his point about the boxers...but really?...does he really think I was trying to hit on his wife?

Now he won't speak to me. He is probably being a jerk to his wife over this too. Some friend.

Just my take.


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## Jellybeans

michzz said:


> Boxers no big. Tightie-whities? Deal killer.


But only AFTER she walked into the kitchen, right? It's all HER fault. 





rbstewart said:


> I would agree, I guess I am too sensitive?


Yes. It appears you are.



Big Tree said:


> Suddenly, my lifelong friend is chewing me out for being a jerk. I guess I get his point about the boxers...but really?...does he really think I was trying to hit on his wife?
> 
> Now he won't speak to me. He is probably being a jerk to his wife over this too. Some friend.
> 
> Just my take.


Oh, my. This is very much a possibility of what his friend was thinking. Two sides to every story.

And let's not forget the wife's version:

"Husband and I went to spend a weekend at his good friend's house last year. One day I woke up late and walked into the kitchen where they were chatting, making breakfast. Friend was in his boxers and my husband started going off on him, telling him to put his clothes on. It was awful and I felt so uncomfortable, embarrassed. Now whenever I ask how his friend is, my husband gets mad at me."


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## Nigel Pinchley

> I would agree, I guess I am too sensitive?


I wouldn't say you're too sensitive. This obviously bothered you for a reason. Maybe talk to your wife, tell her that your friend being only his boxers upset you a bit and that you thought your friend acted inappropriately, maybe have a quick word with your friend, too, and let that be the end of it for now.

Keep an eye out going forward, of course, but I'm not necessarily on board with this whole "OMFG CHEATORZ!!!!!!!1!" idea currently going through this thread.


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## Jellybeans

Nigel Pinchley said:


> Keep an eye out going forward, of course, but I'm not necessarily on board with this whole "OMFG CHEATORZ!!!!!!!1!" idea currently going through this thread.


Currently?! Oh, right. You're a newbie. Hehe. It's the theme on TAM. 

Welcome aboard!


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## rbstewart

He had his pants and shirt by the couch where he slept, he just chose to walk around in his boxers.


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## tom67

Nigel Pinchley said:


> I wouldn't say you're too sensitive. This obviously bothered you for a reason. Maybe talk to your wife, tell her that your friend being only his boxers upset you a bit and that you thought your friend acted inappropriately, maybe have a quick word with your friend, too, and let that be the end of it for now.
> 
> Keep an eye out going forward, of course, but I'm not necessarily on board with this whole "OMFG CHEATORZ!!!!!!!1!" idea currently going through this thread.


:iagree:
OP has there been something that has happened more recently that you decided to post this now.
Just wondering that's all.


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## rbstewart

This is a great site, this is better than going to talk it out with a marriage counselor.


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## rbstewart

Your exactly right!!!


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## Jellybeans

rbstewart said:


> He had his pants and shirt by the couch where he slept, he just chose to walk around in his boxers.


And you chose to stay at his house and can choose to not stay there again.


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## rbstewart

Good insight, Old College guys got together last week-end (only guys) and my wife must have asked a couple of times if my friend was there.


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## bravenewworld

Going to agree with Jellybeans and Big Tree. Seems like your friend was a bit clueless, not devious. Unless there's more info you aren't sharing, I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and apologize to him and your spouse. Your reaction was extreme. Sounds like he immediately put on pants after you pointed it out in an attempt to rectify the situation. 

I'm not at my best in the morning, and could easily see myself in a too thin top or short shorts on accident, especially if I was up early making breakfast around people I was comfortable with. 

Perhaps he saw it as you guys were all close enough to hang out in your respective pajamas and boxers are his pj's. I have some friends like that. Nothing sexual about it. 

I do think it's good you spoke up that were uncomfortable, but ending a friendship and assuming your wife has ill intent also is a big stretch.


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## rbstewart

Does this change the dynamics?


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## Jellybeans

Lila said:


> {sigh}
> 
> If you based your reaction solely on those boxer shorts, then I fear you jumped to conclusions. As I said earlier, those boxers could easily be confused for regular shorts.
> 
> Your wife is asking you to contact your exbff because she feels responsible for breaking up your 30 year friendship. She can't repair the relationship for you but she feels indirectly responsible. Had she not walked in when she did, you'd probably still be friends with this guy.


It's ALL her fault. Stoopid womenfolk. Walking into rooms when they aren't supposed to. Witnessing their husbands tlakig to their friends. MAKING people walk around their house in their boxer shorts. Women should just stay in little boxes on display cases and not move/talk/do anything so that their husband doesn't get mad at them.


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## richie33

Jellybeans said:


> It's ALL her fault. Stoopid womenfolk. Walking into rooms when they aren't supposed to. Witnessing their husbands tlakig to their friends. MAKING people walk around their house in their boxer shorts. Women should just stay in little boxes on display cases and not move/talk/do anything so that their husband doesn't get mad at them.


That's not fair jellybeans, not everyone took that stance.


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## Jellybeans

richie33 said:


> That's not fair jellybeans, not everyone took that stance.


I didn't say everyone did. I said that based on these responses: 



naiveonedave said:


> Actually, I think you need to call her out for wanting you to get clsoer to this guy she apparently *is crushing on*. Both him and your W are in the wrong. Him for blatantly hitting on her and her for not putting a stop to it. All while you are there. That is very demeaning.





Xenote said:


> i suspect your wife like his attention, almost on a flirtation manner, but with serious overtones...





Philat said:


> Ask her what's in it for her?





TRy said:


> Your wife was out of line for not telling him to put his pants on, and for staying downstairs with him dressed inappropriately like that before you got there. She also knew that he was dressed liked that from the night before, and went downstairs without you to interact with him knowing what to expect. Had you left for an early morning meeting, this would have been allowed to play out by your wife as she clearly liked the attention that he was giving her, and has as much of a crush on him as he does on her.
> 
> Get angry at her the next time that she bring the other man up, and tell her that they both acted inappropriately which is why you ended the friendship. Also, make it clear that there is to be full no contact with this man by her.





phoenix_ said:


> What was your wife's reaction when he was standing close to her almost naked? What was her expression? Was she smiling a lot?


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## rbstewart

Ok, Ok, Ok, but I'm not mad at my wife, I feel uncomfortable around my old friend. I can't be old buddies, or should I just forget it all, and just assume he has no class sometimes?


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## Eagle3

If i read this right you have been married for 30 years and this is a friend from college so longer relationship than that. Has your friend (who you seem to have seen a good bit and kids all friends etc...) ever given you a reason for you to think he likes your wife? Because if your only reason is because he was walking around his house in boxers this seems a bit much.

If you have all been friends for so long he might not have thought anything of it like family or something. I mean boxers are like bathing shorts. Unless i missed something previously posted I dont see what your friend or wife have done to give you this concern. Its your relationship so if it concens you talk about it. Just seems a bit much to throw a long time friend over cooking in boxers.


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## Jellybeans

Lila said:


> Okay, I know you're being sarcastic, and I probably shouldn't laugh, but "Stoopid WOMENFOLK" ....... :rofl:




Cue No Doubt:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHzOOQfhPFg


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## bravenewworld

I'd just assume he has different boundaries regarding sleepwear. Now he knows how you feel. 

And yes, I would let it go.


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## lenzi

VAR the car, VAR in the pocketbook, keylogger on her computer, spyware on the phone, serve her with divorce papers and do the 180.

I think that covers it.


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## richie33

You didn't say everyone and then you didn't some either.


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## richie33

lenzi said:


> VAR the car, VAR in the pocketbook, keylogger on her computer, spyware on the phone, serve her with divorce papers and do the 180.
> 
> I think that covers it.


You forgot the PI.


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## michzz

If your friend's johnson wasn't exposed then it was no big deal.


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## Jellybeans

lenzi said:


> VAR the car, VAR in the pocketbook, keylogger on her computer, spyware on the phone, serve her with divorce papers and do the 180.
> 
> I think that covers it.


:rofl:

And don't forget to expose the affair.


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## phoenix_

Jellybeans said:


> Oh so YOU were in the kitchen with him while he was in his boxers and did not take issue with it until she walked in?
> 
> Sorry, but I think it's kind of fcked up how everyone assumes your wife is a harpy for walking into the kitchen where you were with your friend and had no issue until she arrived.
> 
> God forbid a woman walk into a room where her husband is with his friend. She must want your friend's c-ck if she walked into the kitchen where you were with him making breakfast.
> 
> Oy. Women. We just can't win.


Turn this situation around and see what women would say if a man walked in on his wife and her friend in her bra and panties and then got close to her. Tell me what your opinion would be there.


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## ReformedHubby

Everyone has their own idea of what's appropriate to wear around the house. As an example growing up it wasn't unusual to see a friends dad strolling around the house in boxers and a tank top. Your friend probably didn't even know you were upset about his appearance until you told him.

I also had several roommates in college that were shirtless 24/7, they never put on their shirts when people I dated came over.


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## phoenix_

Jellybeans said:


> It's ALL her fault. Stoopid womenfolk. Walking into rooms when they aren't supposed to. Witnessing their husbands tlakig to their friends. MAKING people walk around their house in their boxer shorts. Women should just stay in little boxes on display cases and not move/talk/do anything so that their husband doesn't get mad at them.


You need to calm down with your sexism defense. The OP was actually pointing the finger at his friend mostly and you still managed to turn the woman in to the victim.


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## ReformedHubby

phoenix_ said:


> Turn this situation around and see what women would say if a man walked in on his wife and her friend in her bra and panties and then got close to her. Tell me what your opinion would be there.


I don't think its the same thing. At least not in our culture. Women don't do work in the yard with their boobs hanging out. But men do yard work shirtless all the time. A shirtless dude just isn't that big of a deal. A topless women is. Its just different that way.


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## muskrat

I'm not on the side that thinks there is something going on here. I think this was probably an innocent incident. However, if you decide to reconnect with your friend, I would pay close attention to his interactions with your wife.
That may just be the jaded part of me coming out. I had a 30 year friendship, dude was the best man in my wedding. That didn't stop him from having an affair with my wife 6 years and 2 kids later. But, just because I married a harpy and my ex friend was a douche, doesn't mean there is something malicious going on here.


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## phoenix_

Lila said:


> Actually, your analogy isn't the same thing.
> 
> A better analogy would be if wife thinks girlfriend is wearing a bikini, when in fact, she's wearing a bra and panties.
> 
> P.S. Not pickin', just making the analogy more plausible for discussion sake.


So, that's basically the same thing?


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## phoenix_

There's a lot of varying opinions here OP but none of these people were there, so don't take them very seriously. I'm not the type to assume I know a situation better than someone who lived it when I'm just reading a short description on the internet.

OP, if you felt weird then there was very likely something weird present. 
Like I asked before, was she offended by what you said or did she deny it?


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## Hicks

Did he have morning wood?


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## naiveonedave

I dunno, these are not teenagers, his friend should have known better, his wife should have known better. Maybe nothing is going on, maybe the W is innocent and the friend isn't or there is an affair. Us internet folk can't know, but since the OP brought this up, that usually means his gut was telling him something. Hence, trust but verify, at the very least. But you can't verify by asking the potentially guilty parties. They could lie just as easily as be telling the truth. So you won't know.

The OP did the right thing to c8ckblock at the time. Now he needs to understand if his gut is right and the one or two of the OM and W are doing wrong by him. He needs to know this, imo.


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## Caribbean Man

I can only comment on this through the filters of my own experience and culture.

My wife and I live alone , no kids.

I am usually shirtless around the house .

Whenever her friends are coming over, she informs me , so that I can either go put on a shirt or go to another part of the house if I don't want to put on a shirt.

Many times , she goes bra less , fitted tops and tight shorts around the house when we're alone or her girlfriends are over. 
However, she doesn't dress like that when other males are in the house.

If my neighbor or god friend and his wife were spending time in our house, I wouldn't go shirtless.

If my neighbor's daughter was across at our house I wouldn't be in my boxers and shirtless either.

I can't think of any occasion where I would be shirtless in front of another woman beside my wife, except on the beach , river , pool or doctor.


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## bigbearsfan

Caribbean Man said:


> I can only comment on this through the filters of my own experience and culture.
> 
> My wife and I live alone , no kids.
> 
> I am usually shirtless around the house .
> 
> Whenever her friends are coming over, she informs me , so that I can either go put on a shirt or go to another part of the house if I don't want to put on a shirt.
> 
> Many times , she goes bra less , fitted tops and tight shorts around the house when we're alone or her girlfriends are over.
> However, she doesn't dress like that when other males are in the house.
> 
> If my neighbor or god friend and his wife were spending time in our house, I wouldn't go shirtless.
> 
> If my neighbor's daughter was across at our house I wouldn't be in my boxers and shirtless either.
> 
> I can't think of any occasion where I would be shirtless in front of another woman beside my wife, except on the beach , river , pool or doctor.


:iagree: 
I might buy the friend was innocent if he was wearing boxers and a shirt, but running around in just his boxers and being shirtless and cooking breakfast. I call BS and some of you damn well know that is not appropriate.


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## Jellybeans

phoenix_ said:


> You need to calm down with your sexism defense.


The OP was actually pointing the finger at his friend mostly and you still managed to turn the woman in to the victim.[/QUOTE]

No, thanks. I'm good. 



phoenix_ said:


> The OP was actually pointing the finger at his friend mostly and you still managed to turn the woman in to the victim.


I managed to respond to what was being said about his wife in this thread and the things that were being said/assigned to her based on his story of his friend cooking in boxers while he was in the kitchen with him - BEFORE she even got there.


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## Jellybeans

bigbearsfan said:


> :iagree:
> I might buy the friend was innocent if he was wearing boxers and a shirt, but running around in just his boxers and being shirtless and cooking breakfast. I call BS and some of you damn well know that is not appropriate.


It was only inappropriate when the wife walked in. Right? Because it doesn't seem OP had a problem with it while he stood there talking to him/chatting while his friend made breakfast. It wasn't an issue until she arrived.


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## Jellybeans

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't think its the same thing. At least not in our culture. Women don't do work in the yard with their boobs hanging out.


Clearly you've never been to Florida.

Just kidding.


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## Jellybeans

End of story.

Hehe, Lila.


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## rbstewart

That's what I learned. 

So, my other issue is, do you think married couples should hang around divorced/single friends?


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## phoenix_

Jellybeans said:


> It was only inappropriate when the wife walked in. Right? Because it doesn't seem OP had a problem with it while he stood there talking to him/chatting while his friend made breakfast. It wasn't an issue until she arrived.


Exactly, it was an issue that when she got there he was still shirtless and that she didn't mind. I would never enter a room where my wife's friend is barley dressed, even if it is the living room. 
Also if my friend were in boxers in his house my wife would not walk up close to him. She's inappropriate just like he is.


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## rbstewart

Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.


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## Jellybeans

rbstewart said:


> So, my other issue is, do you think married couples should hang around divorced/single friends?


No! All divorced and single people are evil!


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## Eagle3

OP, to hang out with married or non married people is your call, but you should not cut out friends just because they are single or divorced. A married person can just as easily make a move on your wife as a single person.


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## richie33

rbstewart said:


> Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.


That's ridiculous. This is about your insecurities.


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## Nigel Pinchley

rbstewart said:


> That's what I learned.
> 
> So, my other issue is, do you think married couples should hang around divorced/single friends?





rbstewart said:


> Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.


Why did you ask about having single/divorced friends then not two posts later complain about how we're going around and around on that specific issue while giving a very specific response to it yourself? Is that really what's at issue for you here?


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## Big Tree

rbstewart said:


> Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.


Nothing wrong with taking a stance.

So, now that you know that this is your hang up, are you going to apologize to your wife and buddy?


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## bigbearsfan

Jellybeans said:


> It was only inappropriate when the wife walked in. Right? Because it doesn't seem OP had a problem with it while he stood there talking to him/chatting while his friend made breakfast. It wasn't an issue until she arrived.


Its called common decency! 
Your damn right, it is inappropriate. You don't go parading around in your underwear and shirtless in front of other peoples spouses. Goes for both men and women. 

If I remember correctly, OP stated the so called friend was showing a lot of attention to his wife the night before and was getting close to his wife (while in his boxer's and no shirt on) telling her what he was making for breakfast. 

I would have said something too.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Big Tree said:


> Nothing wrong with taking a stance.
> 
> So, now that you know that this is your hang up, are you going to apologize to your wife and buddy?


Needs to apologize for what? That he felt uncomfortable that his wife was next to his long time friend who is shirtless and in his boxers that seemed to be getting a little to close to his wife.:scratchhead:


----------



## Eagle3

Again OP, in the 30 plus years you and your wife have been friends with this guy has there ever been an instance that has made you feel like there is something wrong. What exactly did he do when he said he was getting close? Like he was flipping pancakes and she was standing at the counter? Just asking because I am trying to see the side of people calling for this guy to be banished.

All I keep seeing is a lifelong friend was walking around in *his* house with his boxers on. I think the fact he is divorced is playing with your mind some that there is something else bothering you. A simple talk with your buddy about next time please put more clothes on should settle the matter.


----------



## Sunburn

rbstewart said:


> *Background:*
> 
> My wife always asks how he is and thinks I should be close friends again. WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?


Punch him in the nuts and tell him to get his own wife.


----------



## rbstewart

That's right, everybody (my friend and wife) are trying to paint me as the bad guy. Like I was the one that did something wrong??? I don't think I did anything wrong.


----------



## samyeagar

So is the friend in better shape?


----------



## Eagle3

_That's right, everybody (my friend and wife) are trying to paint me as the bad guy. Like I was the one that did something wrong??? I don't think I did anything wrong. _

You are right you really didnt do anything wrong. But neither did your friend or wife really. That is what some are trying to tell you. This might be one of those deals where dont look for something that does not exist. Again if there have been past issues by all means call this out. But from your post I dont see what this has to be all blown up on. Most of all towards your wife. Should your friend put some more clothes on, sure that is fine and after talking to him that should have clear that up. 

What else is there to be looking into?


----------



## chillymorn

seems like this guy was fishing for your wife.

divorced 2 times.......hes your friend why did he get divorced? is he a cheater? is he of poor moral character? whats the deal you know him for 30yrs either he a good joe or a pig which is it?

oink oink


----------



## chillymorn

If a wife's best friend who has a history of two divorces was doing this to her husband the sparks would be flying!


----------



## bigbearsfan

Eagle3 said:


> Again OP, in the 30 plus years you and your wife have been friends with this guy has there ever been an instance that has made you feel like there is something wrong. What exactly did he do when he said he was getting close? Like he was flipping pancakes and she was standing at the counter? Just asking because I am trying to see the side of people calling for this guy to be banished.
> 
> All I keep seeing is a lifelong friend was walking around in *his* house with his boxers on. I think the fact he is divorced is playing with your mind some that there is something else bothering you. A simple talk with your buddy about next time please put more clothes on should settle the matter.


WTF! SO I missed it that morals and decency have changed to where it is ok for Men and Women now to walk around in their undies and shirtless around other spouses.

Really eagle, you would allow your wife to sit there and hang out with one of your friends just in his boxers and allow him to make her a pancakes. I'm sure she would allow you to get the same treatment with one of her friends just in a thong.

And another thing, I don't care if he is a bachelor or not, when you have house guests, you don't go running around in your underwear.


----------



## bigbearsfan

chillymorn said:


> If a wife's best friend who has a history of two divorces was doing this to her husband the sparks would be flying!


:iagree:


----------



## bigbearsfan

rbstewart said:


> That's right, everybody (my friend and wife) are trying to paint me as the bad guy. Like I was the one that did something wrong??? I don't think I did anything wrong.


You didn't do anything wrong, you stood up for your marriage and that you will not accept that lack of common decency from your friend or your wife.


----------



## richie33

bigbearsfan said:


> WTF! SO I missed it that morals and decency have changed to where it is ok for Men and Women now to walk around in their undies and shirtless around other spouses.
> 
> Really eagle, you would allow your wife to sit there and hang out with one of your friends just in his boxers and allow him to make her a pancakes. I'm sure she would allow you to get the same treatment with one of her friends just in a thong.
> 
> And another thing, I don't care if he is a bachelor or not, when you have house guests, you don't go running around in your underwear.


So if this was such as issue for the OP, as he describes the friend checking out his wife, why spend the night? If you are so against not having divorced or single male friends around the wife why are you at the guys house in the first place?


----------



## phoenix_

bigbearsfan said:


> WTF! SO I missed it that morals and decency have changed to where it is ok for Men and Women now to walk around in their undies and shirtless around other spouses.
> 
> Really eagle, you would allow your wife to sit there and hang out with one of your friends just in his boxers and allow him to make her a pancakes. I'm sure she would allow you to get the same treatment with one of her friends just in a thong.
> 
> And another thing, I don't care if he is a bachelor or not, when you have house guests, you don't go running around in your underwear.


Agreed. I don't see how anybody thinks this is ok.


----------



## Eagle3

_WTF! SO I missed it that morals and decency have changed to where it is ok for Men and Women now to walk around in their undies and shirtless around other spouses.

Really eagle, you would allow your wife to sit there and hang out with one of your friends just in his boxers and allow him to make her a pancakes. I'm sure she would allow you to get the same treatment with one of her friends just in a thong.

And another thing, I don't care if he is a bachelor or not, when you have house guests, you don't go running around in your underwear_. 

Wow, i didnt know having a different look at things caused the decay in moral and decency. No for me personallly if this was a friend for that long and there was not a reason to not trusy my wife I would not go to Defcon 4 over this. Now if said friend was flirting or things seemed off than yes it would make me look at things different. But for all i can read in this the guy gave up his bed and got up and made breeakfast. I have had close friends stay at my house and some have slept on the couch and were in their boxers. 

Now if someone walking around in boxers upsets you that is fine. I guess some people dont have trust worthy friends or trust their wives. If my friend in boxers causes my wife to cheat on me than i was never in a secure relationship to be begin with and that is my fault i guess.

I guess you better stay away from all beaches to.


----------



## Nigel Pinchley

Well. That escalated quickly.


----------



## rbstewart

He's not a cheater, he just married some real wackos. I told him that day, that I would never do that around his wife, and that he is either stupid or doesn't care about people's feelings. I don't need friends like that.


----------



## manfromlamancha

OK so here's my take on this (and I have been in a similar situation):


Your friend is not some spring chicken that doesn't know what is appropriate and what is not. He has been married (twice) and should know something about respect and boundaries. He had his clothes right by where he was sleeping and the respectful thing to do would have been to put on his clothes as soon as he got up knowing he had guests (and one a female) in the house. We can only guess at why he didn't and you were absolutely right to call him out on this when your wife walked in. You might have been waiting to see when he would put his clothes on but when your wife walked in there was no more waiting, so you told him. Good.

It is generally not healthy to hang around as a couple with a single guy (especially one who has been divorced twice) - he is your college buddy and yes him visiting you both now and then is OK or maybe even vice versa, sure. But hang out with him all the time as a threesome - not healthy. Your gut told you something is off and you should generally trust your gut. So no, not healthy.

Your wife is getting closer to him as a friend since you have sleepovers at each others houses. Again, not healthy until he has a wife and the relationships are balanced. Your are right to be wary especially if she wants to know if he was at your college buddies reunions or whatever (and asks more than once about him).

I know that you have got advice ridiculing your reaction and accusing you of being over-sensitive etc. but I think your reaction was normal and timely and you should explain this to your wife. She should understand this. And when you explain it, explain it in terms of if the situation was reversed: her college friend, recently divorced and single, making breakfast for you two in her underwear or even nightie, and then you asking about her friend at her get togethers (and this even if when she was married, you all hung out as families together) - ask her how she would react/feel.

So well done for being a caring and vigilant husband. It should show your wife that you care for her, are willing to protect her and fight for her, and are not a pushover.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Eagle3 said:


> _
> 
> Wow, i didnt know having a different look at things caused the decay in moral and decency. No for me personallly if this was a friend for that long and there was not a reason to not trusy my wife I would not go to Defcon 4 over this. Now if said friend was flirting or things seemed off than yes it would make me look at things different. But for all i can read in this the guy gave up his bed and got up and made breeakfast. I have had close friends stay at my house and some have slept on the couch and were in their boxers.
> 
> Now if someone walking around in boxers upsets you that is fine. I guess some people dont have trust worthy friends or trust their wives. If my friend in boxers causes my wife to cheat on me than i was never in a secure relationship to be begin with and that is my fault i guess.
> 
> I guess you better stay away from all beaches to._


_

So maybe you missed the part where the OP stated the night before the friend was paying extra attention to his wife. :scratchhead:

Great, good for you that you feel it is ok for others to allow your wife to be around them in their underwear. I hope you have the decency to at least return the favor to them and have your wife walk around in just a thong for them._


----------



## bigbearsfan

manfromlamancha said:


> OK so here's my take on this (and I have been in a similar situation):
> 
> 
> Your friend is not some spring chicken that doesn't know what is appropriate and what is not. He has been married (twice) and should know something about respect and boundaries. He had his clothes right by where he was sleeping and the respectful thing to do would have been to put on his clothes as soon as he got up knowing he had guests (and one a female) in the house. We can only guess at why he didn't and you were absolutely right to call him out on this when your wife walked in. You might have been waiting to see when he would put his clothes on but when your wife walked in there was no more waiting, so you told him. Good.
> 
> It is generally not healthy to hang around as a couple with a single guy (especially one who has been divorced twice) - he is your college buddy and yes him visiting you both now and then is OK or maybe even vice versa, sure. But hang out with him all the time as a threesome - not healthy. Your gut told you something is off and you should generally trust your gut. So no, not healthy.
> 
> Your wife is getting closer to him as a friend since you have sleepovers at each others houses. Again, not healthy until he has a wife and the relationships are balanced. Your are right to be wary especially if she wants to know if he was at your college buddies reunions or whatever (and asks more than once about him).
> 
> I know that you have got advice ridiculing your reaction and accusing you of being over-sensitive etc. but I think your reaction was normal and timely and you should explain this to your wife. She should understand this. And when you explain it, explain it in terms of if the situation was reversed: her college friend, recently divorced and single, making breakfast for you two in her underwear or even nightie, and then you asking about her friend at her get togethers (and this even if when she was married, you all hung out as families together) - ask her how she would react/feel.
> 
> So well done for being a caring and vigilant husband. It should show your wife that you care for her, are willing to protect her and fight for her, and are not a pushover.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: That sums it up.


----------



## clipclop2

these were just regular boxers right now?

Not boxer briefs? 

a man in boxers is not at all comparable to a woman in a thong. so please folks trying to get a little bit of prospective here 

you were offended and you told him off. I don't know what else there is to talk about. Your wife wasn't offended probably because boxers are an awful lot like regular shorts. if he'd been wearing a really tight pair of briefs or tighty whiteys she probably would have been fairly freaked out. now with respect to him not having a shirt on is in good shape? Because if he's just the regular 40 or 50 year old guy probably nothing special to look at 

regardless you're very threatened by his behavior. So I'm wondering if there's even more to the story that you're not telling. Meaning like he's known to have cheated with other men's wives 

I don't know this this is a test from your wife. She probably just doesn't feel the same way. I suspect that he is sexually invisible to her. 

I can understand being upset with him. and I think it's nice that you are doing a little alpha chest beating in protecting what is yours. I'm short on some level of your way for appreciate it as well. But if she really didn't feel threatened and you being over that talk about this is going to make her take notice about how threatened you are and it will reduce your standing in her eyes. 

so if you decide to hold your ground with respect to this guy that's fine but dont do it with a lot of chatter. and if you decide to soften your stance also don't do it with alot of talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigbearsfan

richie33 said:


> So if this was such as issue for the OP, as he describes the friend checking out his wife, why spend the night? If you are so against not having divorced or single male friends around the wife why are you at the guys house in the first place?


From what I gather, this is the first time this has happened unless the OP has another part of the story he would like to share.

Let me ask to you who think he over reacted. Why is it ok for the friend to be shirtless and just in his boxer's around his wife?
And why is it ok for the wife to hang around with a friend and let him get close to her just in his boxer's?


----------



## bigbearsfan

clipclop2 said:


> these were just regular boxers right now?
> 
> Not boxer briefs?
> 
> a man in boxers is not at all comparable to a woman in a thong. so please folks trying to get a little bit of prospective here.
> you were offended and you told him off. I don't know what else there is to talk about. Your wife wasn't offended probably because boxers are an awful lot like regular shorts.


Fine, would it be ok for a wife to walk around in just granny panties then?
Boxer's are different from shorts period. What's the difference. The PEE HOLE. The section where mr. winky can come out. 

So once again, why is it ok for a shirtless man in his boxers ok to be displayed in front of guests and in front of a friends spouse.


----------



## treyvion

rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife was not offended by him cooking in his boxers????


It's a great disrespect. You did the right thing. Don't worry about how she perceived it, it would have been messed up if the wife piled on you as you were defending your territory.

I think you have to let that friend back off. Sometimes people get in our life and get too close and take your niceness for weakness.


----------



## Jellybeans

Why is this an issue now? It happened a year ago. When she asks how he is, just tell your wife you don't know how he is doing and don't want to be friends with him again because he made pancakes in his boxers. And that you will never be friends with him again so it's not necessary to ask about him. Why not just be honest with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigbearsfan

richie33 said:


> From the OP description he felt his friend, of 30 years, was flirting with his wife. If that's the case , it's time to go honey, we ain't staying is what a alpha man would do. Not stay the night all bent out of shape. Then he walks in this mans kitchen and tells him to put on some clothes, which OP does not say ever happened, then proceeds to stand very close to his wife in only underwear, again not very alpha. The story is odd to me.


reading comprehension. First of all, never stated flirting with his wife, just gave a lot of attention night before.
If OP wasn't alpha, he wouldn't of went off. And he also stated the left shortly after him going off. 

OP did exactly what should have been done.


----------



## richie33

Ok Internet tough guy.


----------



## bigbearsfan

richie33 said:


> Ok Internet tough guy.


:smthumbup:Thanks


----------



## Binji

First, you committed a serious violation. You do not bring, a potential or actual wife around any of your single friends especially to hang out as a threesome. 2nd you even brought your wife into his crib. Believe me he knew what he was doing with his shirt off. He wanted your wife to check him out. Only yourself is to blame for allowing this to happen. 

Were you seriously going to eat breakfast that a half naked man cooked? No way in the world am I eating another man's grits, eggs and bacon, with his shirt off and hot morning breath hovering over my food. Did he brush his teeth and take a bath?)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JASON58

People are so sensitive here , the boxers look no different then a pair of shorts...i would not even be the least bit concerned...There is nothing wrong to keeping a friend that is going through a divorce, he probably needs a friend , not a jealous friend..

People here read into things to much, and turn it into a soap opera.


----------



## bigbearsfan

JASON58 said:


> People are so sensitive here , the boxers look no different then a pair of shorts...i would not even be the least bit concerned...There is nothing wrong to keeping a friend that is going through a divorce, he probably needs a friend , not a jealous friend..
> 
> People here read into things to much, and turn it into a soap opera.


Funny I never seen a pair of shorts with a pee hole. But hey, if your comfortable with a your friends flaunting in their underwear in front of your spouse, more power to you.


----------



## JASON58

bigbearsfan said:


> Funny I never seen a pair of shorts with a pee hole. But hey, if your comfortable with a your friends flaunting in their underwear in front of your spouse, more power to you.


See you make it sound like the pee hole is WIDE open , like an open window.....not likely...the case


----------



## seasalt

Even if you can now say that they look like shorts the reality is that your should be ex friend knew they were skivvies. You're not wrong and always protect your wife. It's one of or perhaps the most important thing you should concern yourself with.

I remember a previous poster, SomedayDig, who allowed his wife to get naked at a pool party with other wives and then was not happy with the course their marriage took. Don't ever apologize for being vigilant.

My opinion,

Seasalt


----------



## MrsDraper

rbstewart said:


> Ok, Ok, Ok, but I'm not mad at my wife, I feel uncomfortable around my old friend. I can't be old buddies, or should I just forget it all, and just assume he has no class sometimes?


You and your wife were sleeping in HIS bedroom. Where most people keep their clothes.

If he had on regular boxes, maybe he was waiting for your wife to actually leave the bedroom before he went to go and get dressed? 

Would have been worse if he went into the bedroom to get dressed and your wife was in her unders in there.


----------



## MrsDraper

bigbearsfan said:


> Needs to apologize for what? That he felt uncomfortable that his wife was next to his long time friend who is shirtless and in his boxers that seemed to be getting a little to close to his wife.:scratchhead:


What was the wife wearing?


----------



## bjchristian

mpgunner said:


> What if your wife came down in her bra/panties (or T-shirt with no panties) and stood close. What signals would that send to him/you?
> 
> ALARMS!!!


If my friends wife came down in her bra and panties, I would write that down in my journal.

I went over to Bob's house and there was some Exotic Fine Dining :rofl:

In some countries people walk around nude.

Just talk with your wife and ask her how she feels about him and tell her what bothers you. Go from there. Don't blow it out of proportion. To me it doesn't seem like a big deal.


----------



## bigbearsfan

MrsDraper said:


> What was the wife wearing?


I'm sure it wasn't granny panties and topless.


----------



## bjchristian

Since he was in his boxers, maybe you should of just walked around in the nude....it would've been a showdown...or salute...hahahah. 

Just trying to throw some humor in there. Everyone is too serious...hahahah


----------



## bjchristian

How would you feel if your wife, your friend and you went to the beach and he busted out a pair of summer of 69 speedos and your wife was in a bikini?


----------



## clipclop2

You sound like a bunch of girls. Seriously.

If his wife had been in granny panties he would have been whining about that.


----------



## treyvion

bjchristian said:


> How would you feel if your wife, your friend and you went to the beach and he busted out a pair of summer of 69 speedos and your wife was in a bikini?


And they act weirdly too close like they know about something that he doesn't.


----------



## Eagle3

bigbearsfan:

Sorry the OP has not discussed what this supposedly close action his wife did while his friend was in his boxers. Frankly he has not answered any questions any of us have had questioning his concerns but whatever. But going by what is told here do you know how crazy this sounds on its own. I think some of you are projecting personal situations here. I mean step back and look at how this sounds on its merit:

OP: So I am mad at the wife and cutting off (Friend of 30 years) off for good
Other person: Oh no what happened did she have an emotional affair with him or cheat on you with him?
OP: No not any of that. He made breakfast in his boxers and she did not get mad at him for doing that.


----------



## Entropy3000

rbstewart said:


> *Background:* My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. I have a best friend from college who my wife has known since we got married. We all have been close over the years.
> 
> We used to visit my friend and his wife many times over the last 20 years. Many times staying at his house (Chicago) for the weekend. His kids and my kids grew up together, now all the kids are grown up and on their own. My friend has been separated for the last 2.5 years, with the divorce being finalized last week. (His 2nd divorce)
> 
> Anyway, we continued to visit him and spend weekends together even after his separation. Last labor day, we went to visit him for the weekend and see my son, who also lives in Chicago.
> 
> The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife. Saturday night he slept on the couch in his boxers and my wife and I slept in his bedroom. Sunday morning he woke up and started making breakfast in his boxers, no shirt. He did not put any clothes on when my wife woke up and came out of the bedroom. He stood very close to my wife in the kitchen explaining what he was going to make for breakfast.
> 
> I was offended, and told him to put his pants on. He finally put them on after I told him off. My wife and I soon left and spent the rest of the day at my son's house.
> 
> My wife always asks how he is and thinks I should be close friends again. WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?


Let him go as a friend. Move on. It has run its cycle. This is trouble. Be upfront with your wife. This has nothing to do with trusting your wife. That was disrespectful of him to both of you. Whether your wife gets that or not. 

Move on from him but make sure your wife knows you feel this way. She needs to not keep this going on the side.


----------



## heartsbeating

Nigel Pinchley said:


> I think you might be reading a bit too much into this.
> 
> While at your friend's house, your friend slept in his boxers, then immediately got up and started cooking breakfast while still in his boxers. You went downstairs to the kitchen with him, then later your wife joined both of you. Once your wife joined you, he did not put on his pants until you asked him to.
> 
> Whether you like or agree with it or not, it is his house, and appropriate or not, he's free to garb himself however he chooses in it.
> 
> Second, not everyone feels the same amount of discomfort or reads the same innuendo into various states of undress.
> 
> I do agree that it was a bit impolite of him to be walking around the house in just his boxers, but I think that's about the end of it. Unless you have some other evidence besides what you've laid out here, I think assuming some sort of misconduct on him or your wife is a bit of a stretch.


I'm only at page 2 but so far... I agree with this. Also some boxers look like shorts. I'd be more interested in the breakfast than the boxers lol. I don't know about him being close etc. but otherwise, sounds like a good host. He gave up his bed and made breakfast and respected your wishes to put pants on when you told him to. 

Sometimes though, the spidey senses tingle and that's not to be ignored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating

Big Tree said:


> I had a different reaction to this post. I ended up empathizing with your friend. What if your friend's side of the story sounds like this...?
> 
> My lifelong friend and his wife come to visit. I vacate my bedroom so they can be comfortable and I sleep on the couch. I awake early and decide to start breakfast. I would have put more clothes on...but my clothes and robe are all in my bedroom and I don't want to interrupt the sleep of my guests.
> 
> My buddy comes in to the kitchen and we strike up a conversation while I cook. At some point, his wife enters the room. I guess I forgot that I was standing there in my boxers. Suddenly, my lifelong friend is chewing me out for being a jerk. I guess I get his point about the boxers...but really?...does he really think I was trying to hit on his wife?
> 
> Now he won't speak to me. He is probably being a jerk to his wife over this too. Some friend.
> 
> Just my take.


And an interesting take it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## See_Listen_Love

rbstewart said:


> That's right, everybody (my friend and wife) are trying to paint me as the bad guy. Like I was the one that did something wrong??? I don't think I did anything wrong.


My friend, you did EXACTLY the right thing! :smthumbup:

It is not about the shorts, it is about the hint of flirting you picked up.



> The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife.
> 
> Your early warning radar worked.
> 
> Saturday night he slept on the couch in his boxers and my wife and I slept in his bedroom. Sunday morning he woke up and started making breakfast in his boxers, no shirt.
> 
> He knew you two would come to the kitchen, he is testing the waters as a follow up on his working on your wife.
> 
> He did not put any clothes on when my wife woke up and came out of the bedroom.
> 
> His plan is in action
> 
> He stood very close to my wife in the kitchen
> 
> I am a man. I too like to be impressive, tempting, playing with male/female dynamics, enjoying the expansion of erotic tension. I recognize what happened.
> 
> explaining what he was going to make for breakfast.
> 
> The excuse and camouflage, ofcourse. Your wife liked it....


I am not saying this is a black and white situation, but certain I see the erotic tension developed from the attraction felt, by him because he gave so much attention and then tried to go to erotic territory. By her because she felt excited and liked to be explained up close, by an almost naked man, who worked his ass off on her....

So this is flirtatious and on the very edge. If you would have gone doing some shopping and she would have stayed home, they would have been f*ck*ng in an instance.

I am not kidding. People try to see how far they can go, and 'live dangerously', it gives a kick. This is not because they are bad people, or seeking conscious an affair or a relation. It is because the playing with the man-woman dynamics give such a damned nice feeling. A shower of hormones that rejuvinates and energizes the whole mind and body.

But it is something you have to hedge, and seek exclusively between the both of you and your wife. Maybe there is an opening because she misses something. Look deep into your intimate relations with her. Analyze and work on it.


----------



## Entropy3000

Caribbean Man said:


> I can only comment on this through the filters of my own experience and culture.
> 
> My wife and I live alone , no kids.
> 
> I am usually shirtless around the house .
> 
> Whenever her friends are coming over, she informs me , so that I can either go put on a shirt or go to another part of the house if I don't want to put on a shirt.
> 
> Many times , she goes bra less , fitted tops and tight shorts around the house when we're alone or her girlfriends are over.
> However, she doesn't dress like that when other males are in the house.
> 
> If my neighbor or god friend and his wife were spending time in our house, I wouldn't go shirtless.
> 
> If my neighbor's daughter was across at our house I wouldn't be in my boxers and shirtless either.
> 
> I can't think of any occasion where I would be shirtless in front of another woman beside my wife, except on the beach , river , pool or doctor.


:iagree:

But I also do not buy that boxers are the same as shorts. They are not.


----------



## Entropy3000

rbstewart said:


> Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.


And the thing is that you picked up on a vibe. A gut feeling on the totality of things. This is what matters.

This is a sliding boundaries thing. He crossed our boundary. Whether he has bad intentions who knows. But him being a good host could also easily him be a good host "nice guy" and enjoys the perks of having you two over. 

This reminds me of the host who drops the towel by mistake. If his clothes were by the couch he should have put them on as he had guests.

Anyway, no reason to apologize if you feel you got this oen right. Your marriage is a greater priority. Move on.


----------



## heartsbeating

I wouldn't imagine my husband wearing boxers in the house with guests staying but that's my husband and the way we roll. Plus he's a boxer briefs guy. 

If there was flirtation, that's more the issue I think. 

Also is your friend ripped and is he a good cook? I don't ask for the visual lol but if that contributed to your reaction? How's your marriage otherwise? Has your wife been flirtatious or cared too much in the past? Is she attentive to you?


----------



## manfromlamancha

MrsDraper said:


> You and your wife were sleeping in HIS bedroom. Where most people keep their clothes.
> 
> If he had on regular boxes, maybe he was waiting for your wife to actually leave the bedroom before he went to go and get dressed?
> 
> Would have been worse if he went into the bedroom to get dressed and your wife was in her unders in there.


We were already told that his clothes were right by him where he slept on the couch. He chose not to put them on.

Boxer shorts have pee holes through which you often can see the sights especially when he sits down and worse if he has a morning boner.

Being in a bikini and swimming trunks by the beach is not the same a being in your underwear at home (especially when you have guests).

Paying attention to another man's wife when you don't have a wife to sleep with anymore is cause for concern.

And yes, I really hoped he washed his hands at the very least while cooking breakfast - I would have just had coffee myself.

I really cannot understand what the discussion is about. The OP did the right thing in asking him to put his clothes on and being concerned about the whole thing.


----------



## ReformedHubby

I am fascinated by this thread. I still don't see what the OP's friend did wrong. If he behaved himself for thirty years I don't see him all of a sudden "noticing" his friends wife. Most recently divorced men I know seem to have no problems dating a quality pool of women after their marriage is dissolved. Some turn bitter but most move on just fine. 

Its not like the OP's wife is the only women available to the OP's friend as a single guy. He apologized and put his pants on when called out on it. I guess what I see here is a 30 year friendship thrown away over not much.


----------



## Nigel Pinchley

ReformedHubby said:


> I am fascinated by this thread. I still don't see what the OP's friend did wrong. If he behaved himself for thirty years I don't see him all of a sudden "noticing" his friends wife. Most recently divorced men I know seem to have no problems dating a quality pool of women after their marriage is dissolved. Some turn bitter but most move on just fine.
> 
> Its not like the OP's wife is the only women available to the OP's friend as a single guy. He apologized and put his pants on when called out on it. I guess what I see here is a 30 year friendship thrown away over not much.


This thread, as often happens on online forums, went from useful discussion with the OP to axe-grinding several pages ago. Happens all the time, threads devolve into personal squabbles between a handful of posters who care more about proving others wrong than anything else.


----------



## Jellybeans

ReformedHubby said:


> Its not like the OP's wife is the only women available to the OP's friend as a single guy. He apologized and put his pants on when called out on it. I guess what I see here is a 30 year friendship thrown away over not much.


It wasn't thrown away over "not much." It was thrown away over pancakes and boxers.


----------



## naiveonedave

I dunno, the OP really hasn't answered a lot questions. What does the 'too close' comment really mean? The details leave a lot to the imagination. I couild see this as totally innocent or totally a required c8ckblock event.


----------



## barbados

rbstewart said:


> He's not a cheater, he just married some real wackos. I told him that day, that I would never do that around his wife, and that he is either stupid or doesn't care about people's feelings. I don't need friends like that.


OK OP, you did what you felt was right for YOU & YOUR SENSIBILITIES, based on what you saw and felt at the moment.

It sounds like maybe this friendship has run its course for now. Simply two people in different places in their lives at this time. Happens all the time.

So stay away from him for now. 

The only thing you should do IMO, is to discuss with your wife why she is not on the same page with you.


----------



## rbstewart

Too close means, standing within 2 inches explaining how he made homemade tomato juice.


----------



## rbstewart

She was fully dressed!


----------



## Jellybeans

Not the tomato juice! 

All jokes aside though, Rbstewart...have you actually *TOLD* your wife that you felt your friend was being inappropriate for being his boxers/standing closet to her and THAT is why you have no relationship with him now? That you didn't like what he did? That there is no need to ask about him anymore because you are not friends with him?

Have you actually DONE any of these things?


----------



## ReformedHubby

rbstewart said:


> Too close means, standing within 2 inches explaining how he made homemade tomato juice.


Two inches??? That's really close. Honestly that would be too close for me regardless of the person's sex. I can't stand close talkers. 

Hmmmm.....thinking back to my wasted youth I did use body language in relation to personal space as one indicator to gauge if someone was interested or not. I'm not saying your wife was interested in him per se. But this new information does give me pause as opposed to what you posted before.


----------



## rbstewart

My wife knows how upset I was over this, but as time goes on, she wonders why we aren't best friends anymore since we have been friends for over 30 years.


----------



## rbstewart

The decision which prompted me to chat online is whether to continue the relationship with my friend or end it. My friend seems to act like nothing ever happened, such as when I saw him at the reunion last weekend. Also, his parents live in my city, and he always wants to stop by and see my wife and me when he is in town, usually a half a dozen times a year. My wife wonders if we have patched things up????


----------



## Anon Pink

Jellybeans said:


> Why is this an issue now? It happened a year ago. When she asks how he is, just tell your wife you don't know how he is doing and don't want to be friends with him again because he made pancakes in his boxers. And that you will never be friends with him again so it's not necessary to ask about him. Why not just be honest with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Nnnnyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooowwwwwwww

View attachment 27570


How do you spell that sound a projectile makes as it zooms to its target?


----------



## Jellybeans

rbstewart said:


> My wife knows how upset I was over this, but as time goes on, she wonders why we aren't best friends anymore since we have been friends for over 30 years.


SO TELL HER. 

Problem solved.


----------



## Jellybeans

Anon Pink said:


> Nnnnyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooowwwwwwww
> 
> View attachment 27570
> 
> 
> How do you spell that sound a projectile makes as it zooms to its target?


I believe it's spelled:

C-O-M-M-O-N 

S-E-N-S-E


----------



## Anon Pink

I hate being a terrible speller!


----------



## Nigel Pinchley

rbstewart said:


> The decision which prompted me to chat online is whether to continue the relationship with my friend or end it. My friend seems to act like nothing ever happened, such as when I saw him at the reunion last weekend. Also, his parents live in my city, and he always wants to stop by and see my wife and me when he is in town, usually a half a dozen times a year. My wife wonders if we have patched things up????


I still think you're reading WAY too much into this. You asked him to put on some pants, he did, and so far you haven't really offered up anything else in the "OMFG AFFFAAAAIRRZZ" category. We can argue all day long about was it appropriate or not, but if he changed his behavior, does it matter?

Is there something else you're not telling us? Is there some other part of your history with your friend bringing out resentment?


----------



## Anon Pink

My H and I have a best friend, in fact he is the one that got us together, who routinely flirts outrageously with me. We laugh hysterically as does my husband. We flirted together even before my h and I got together. There is absolutely NOTHING sexual going on, never was, never will be. And if my husband all of a sudden got threatened by this, I would loose all respect for him.

OP, what happened with pancakes in boxers was an over reaction, IMO. Don't throw away a life long friendship over something so silly.


----------



## rbstewart

The problem is, my wife has too been good friends with him (seriously, only when I'm around) over the years, and if I cut him off, she loses a friend too, I look like the bad guy! My daughter also wonders why I haven't patched things up.


----------



## rbstewart

Is your best friend divorced twice, and parades around you in his boxers in front of your husband up close.


----------



## Jellybeans

*Have you actually told her?*

Again, you have NOT answered this.

Just tell her!

Just seems you are going in circles and no answer/response is satisfactory. Eleven pages later.


----------



## Anon Pink

rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife has too been good friends with him (seriously, only when I'm around) over the years, and if I cut him off, she loses a friend too, I look like the bad guy! My daughter also wonders why I haven't patched things up.


Don't be afraid to look like the bad guy. 

While I think you're being silly these are your boundaries and if you don't respect them you have no right to get angry when other people walk over them. This is a totally passive aggressive move.

If you can't get over this simple thing than own it!


----------



## Nigel Pinchley

rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife has too been good friends with him (seriously, only when I'm around) over the years, and if I cut him off, she loses a friend too, I look like the bad guy! My daughter also wonders why I haven't patched things up.





rbstewart said:


> Is your best friend divorced twice, and parades around you in his boxers in front of your husband up close.


I totally get that you took offence to your friend's actions (though I don't understand it personally), but you sound pretty angry about it. As Jellybeans said you're just talking in circles at this point, after all the perspective that's been given, you're still just left at "this really offended me". I get that, but only you can decide if this is worth losing a 30-year friend over, and you don't really sound like you're convinced either way about it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Translation: 

I'm mad as hell...but I'm not going to do anything about it.

So I'll just keep going on and on in this thread about how wrong he was for XYZ and how my wife won't shut up about him but say/do nothing.


----------



## muskrat

He may just be being silly or there could be more going on than meets the eye.
Once again, I had a best friend of 30 years. As teen agers my mom called him my GF we were that close. I went out of town for a few days and guess who was sleeping in my bed fvcking my wife with my kids in the house. 
The point is be very vigilant. Not every guy is that much of a creep and not every wife is ........ (I can't think of a nice word to call her). But you never know what others are really thinking and feeling.

Looking back there were plenty of red flags along the way. But I always told me self that these are the 2 people I can trust the most in the world. No need to over react, it's all innocent. Well I was wrong! If your gut tells you somethings wrong, roll with it.


----------



## Jellybeans

muskrat said:


> He may just be being silly or there could be more going on than meets the eye.
> Once again, I had a best friend of 30 years. As teen agers my mom called him my GF we were that close. I went out of town for a few days and guess who was sleeping in my bed fvcking my wife with my kids in the house.
> The point is be very vigilant. Not every guy is that much of a creep and not every wife is ........ (I can't think of a nice word to call her). But you never know what others are really thinking and feeling.


This is exactly what OP wants to hear. 

Which is evident from how he keeps asking the types of questions he does. 

But it still doesn't solve the main problem. He hasn't talked to his wife about WHY he isn't friends with the guy.

:scratchhead:

The thread question is "friend hitting on wife?" It is extremely clear that OP was hoping everyone would say yes. And that divorced/single people should not be friends with married; and that the friend was out of line/inappropriate; that his wife was liking the attention, etc. 

Some people post threads with questions that they already have answered for themselves and nothing anyone else says is going to change that.

There is really no point of the question because ti's completely rhetorical. He has already decided. Lon before he ever asked about it.

And he won't DO anything about it.

Add this thread to the archives with the other ones that say: 

"I'm not comfortable with X, what should I do?" and when people tell them, they do nothing.

Or the ones about the people in abusive relationships asking what they should do/asking if their partner treats them like sh*t and when people answer yes, they start coming up with every excuse in the book and justifying it and not doing a damn thing about it.

Par for the course.

Nothing to see here, folks.


----------



## clipclop2

And his wife now sees him as even more beta just because he tried to alpha well beyond a reasonable response.

And I for one know the guys in here that are just as threatened.

Dude doesn't trust his friend. That's fine. Friend doesn't respect dude. That's between them.

Wife can stay out of that argument.

Is she forbidden to communication with him? If so you had better let her know that because you have become marginalized... An outsider. They are now aligned and you are seen as silly.

If the guy had gotten that close to me my husband would have made a move to block the guy, probably be asserting his relationship with me rather than a direct challenge. Kissing me and having me respond to my H would send the message to OM in a very positive, united way that requires no words.


----------



## muskrat

Jellybeans said:


> This is exactly what OP wants to hear.
> 
> Which is evident from how he keeps asking the types of questions he does.
> 
> But it still doesn't solve the main problem. He hasn't talked to his wife about WHY he isn't friends with the guy.


I absolutely agree that he needs to talk to his wife! He has to be very careful when doing so though, otherwise he is likely to hear " you're being ridiculous, don't you trust me?".


----------



## bjchristian

heartsbeating said:


> I wouldn't imagine my husband wearing boxers in the house with guests staying but that's my husband and the way we roll. Plus he's a boxer briefs guy.
> 
> If there was flirtation, that's more the issue I think.
> 
> Also is your friend ripped and is he a good cook? I don't ask for the visual lol but if that contributed to your reaction? How's your marriage otherwise? Has your wife been flirtatious or cared too much in the past? Is she attentive to you?


If my friend's wife came down in her bikini and she couldn't cook well. I would still enjoy the meal.:iagree: EXOTIC FINE DINING AT ITS BEST:rofl:

But i'd be more comfortable if my wife was present, b/c I would also tell her to go up and change to into her bikini to have a session of 'my wife is hotter than yours' :rofl:

now if you follow any of my advice, remember to only blame yourself :scratchhead::lol::rofl:


----------



## JustTired

OP, here's my take on the whole situation after I have read every single response. I do agree with you that your friend was inappropriate when he did not put on any clothing after your wife came downstairs. Boxers ARE underwear....period. One doesn't parade in your underwear in front of ANYONE'S spouse, IMO.

With that being said, I wonder if your friend's newly found single status made you a bit hypervigilant. Maybe his normal friendliness to your wife looked like more to you knowing that he is recently divorced. Could that be the case? Has this friend been overtly flirtatious in the past?

He was still your friend after his first divorce. You didn't cut him off then, why the sudden change of heart? If this incident never happened, would you question yourself on still being his friend since he is newly divorced?

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your friend. I think you should tell him that you are still quite bitter about the incident last year. Let him know that you felt the night everyone hung he was a bit "extra friendly" with your wife. Tell him everything, don't just focus on the fact he only had on boxers. I think this situation goes a bit deeper than that. 

Overall, it seems like you felt disrespected & it is only fair that you let him know. If this is the only incident in over 30 years...this friend deserves to at least know how you are feeling about them. 

As far as your wife goes, it seems like the situation isn't as serious to her. Did you ever explain to her exactly how the whole incident felt to you? Maybe if you have an honest & open conversation with her, she may stop asking about him.


----------



## GettingIt_2

It would be a total turn off to me to know that my husband reacted this way. *shudder* I'm gonna rate this a VA-CLANG!

( . . . i'm gonna have to see if I can find an emoji for that . . . )


----------



## Almostrecovered

2 inches is well within the "boner zone"


----------



## Jellybeans

GettingIt said:


> It would be a total turn off to me to know that my husband reacted this way. *shudder* I'm gonna rate this a VA-CLANG!
> 
> ( . . . i'm gonna have to see if I can find an emoji for that . . . )


What is a VA-Clang?

But I agree. I would be turned off or, embarassed, by my husband going off on his friend really hard for something he had no issue with before I walked into the room.


----------



## GettingIt_2

Jellybeans said:


> What is a VA-Clang?


VA-CLANG! happens when your partner does something so utterly unattractive to you that it causes your vagina to involuntarily clamp shut. 

Basically, things that kill your desire to have sex with your partner. Different for everyone, of course, but I'm sensing that the behavior from the OP would be a VA-CLANG moment for a lot of women because it smacks of insecurity and over the top efforts to control a situation. He lost his cool and gave in to his runaway fears, basically. Women can _smell_ that sort of thing. 

This is the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophesy. Act like you're not worthy of her because you don't feel worth of her, and she WILL take notice.


----------



## tulsy

The "friend" was inappropriate, and he knows that. He's been outa the picture for a year now, so just leave him there...gone.

He crossed a line with you. It doesn't matter if other people don't get it, you got it right away...it's called flirting, and he was doing it with your wife. If I'm shirtless in front of a woman, making her breakfast and talking to her face to face, I'm sending signals and putting out the vibe. This isn't single people in college, and any man that would do this to a buddies wife knows exactly what he's doing; I would have cut him outa my life too.

Friend is a total douche for doing that. You didn't do anything wrong.

I don't think your wife did anything wrong, she may honestly not have picked up on the signals. Regardless, if you haven't already talked to her about it, tell her the truth about how you felt and that you would never do that to her friends. You don't want friends like that in your world. Nothing more to say.

IMO, the friend was outa line.


----------



## youkiddingme

Some of you are missing this....OP wrote in the first post: "The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife."

Cooking in his underwear wasn't the only issue.

And OP....your wife ....I would quietly be monitoring her communications. She should have been offended, but instead seems interested.


----------



## Jellybeans

GettingIt said:


> VA-CLANG! happens when your partner does something so utterly unattractive to you that it causes your vagina to involuntarily clamp shut.
> 
> Basically, things that kill your desire to have sex with your partner.


OMG Funny! I am going to start using this when I talked to my girlfriends. "Everything was going perfect and t hen he did X and it was ... VA-CLANG. I never went out with him after that."



GettingIt said:


> This is the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophesy. Act like you're not worthy of her because you don't feel worth of her, and she WILL take notice.


You are on to something...


----------



## Jellybeans

youkiddingme said:


> Some of you are missing this....OP wrote in the first post: "The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife."
> 
> Cooking in his underwear wasn't the only issue.
> 
> And OP....your wife ....I would quietly be monitoring her communications. She should have been offended, but instead seems interested.


Ok. So what is he GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?


----------



## rbstewart

I am trying to be friends and please everybody else, but at the end of the day, I can't be buddy friends anymore and have to make a decision that's best for me. Now that I have made that decision, I can tell my wife and move on.
THANKS EVERYBODY!


----------



## Jellybeans

You're welcome!!!!!!!!! On behalf of TAM.











Only took us 12 pages, but we got there.

Now, I need a drink. 

Who's buying?


----------



## Almostrecovered

Quick!!! Lock the thread!!


----------



## Anon Pink

You are! 

Phew that was close. Made it into the thread just in time to get a celebratory shooter!


----------



## manfromlamancha

rbstewart said:


> *Background:* *The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife.* Saturday night he slept on the couch in his boxers and my wife and I slept in his bedroom. Sunday morning he woke up and started making breakfast in his boxers, no shirt. He did not put any clothes on when my wife woke up and came out of the bedroom. He stood very close to my wife in the kitchen explaining what he was going to make for breakfast.
> 
> I was offended, and told him to put his pants on. He finally put them on after I told him off.





rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife was not offended by him cooking in his boxers????





rbstewart said:


> My wife came into the room after I was there. When he was walking around in his boxers, I was wondering if he would put his pants on when my wife came into the room. He never did until I told him to.





rbstewart said:


> She said she didn't notice.





rbstewart said:


> *He had his pants and shirt by the couch where he slept, he just chose to walk around in his boxers.*





rbstewart said:


> Good insight, Old College guys got together last week-end (only guys) and *my wife must have asked a couple of times if my friend was there*.





rbstewart said:


> Ok, Ok, Ok, but *I'm not mad at my wife*, I feel uncomfortable around my old friend. I can't be old buddies, or should I just forget it all, and just assume he has no class sometimes?





rbstewart said:


> Here we seem to go around and around on this issue, I just don't think married couples should hang around divorced/single guys.





rbstewart said:


> That's right, everybody (my friend and wife) are trying to paint me as the bad guy. Like I was the one that did something wrong??? I don't think I did anything wrong.





rbstewart said:


> Too close means, *standing within 2 inches* explaining how he made homemade tomato juice.





rbstewart said:


> *My wife knows how upset I was over this, but as time goes on, she wonders why we aren't best friends anymore since we have been friends for over 30 years.*





rbstewart said:


> The decision which prompted me to chat online is *whether to continue the relationship with my friend or end it. My friend seems to act like nothing ever happened*, such as when I saw him at the reunion last weekend. Also, his parents live in my city, and he always wants to stop by and see my wife and me when he is in town, usually a half a dozen times a year. My wife wonders if we have patched things up????





rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife has too been good friends with him (seriously, only when I'm around) over the years, and if I cut him off, she loses a friend too, I look like the bad guy! My daughter also wonders why I haven't patched things up.


OK seriously, you guys cannot see why OP had a problem with his "friend". I think we are assuming that he and this guy were best friends forever - for all I know they were just friends at college who happened to stay in touch over the years. The friend behaved inappropriately and he called him out on it. The problem is the friend "seems" to "not get it" (although I highly doubt that he doesn't). Also the wife "seems" to "not get it" (again, I highly doubt that she doesn't).

And for those of you who keep saying that he should tell his wife - he has told her!!! And she still doesn't get it. And his schl0ng doesn't have to be hanging out of the pee hole for it to be occasionally visible or for want of a better word, evident - especially in the morning when he has just woken up.

You guys say he has thrown away a 30 year friendship - I say he corrected somebody who didn't give a sh!t about what he thought and was pushing boundaries big time. With friends like this who needs enemies?

OP, I would say there is no reason to continue being an acquaintance type friend and hanging out with other buddies in the same vein but he may not necessarily be family friend material (until he really gets it).


----------



## Eagle3

manfromlamancha, the OP has made his mind up and all is well. All problems solved. 

Everyone is in here drinking now to celebrate so hop in.


----------



## Jellybeans




----------



## Lostinthought61

does anyone know how to make a good mojito


----------



## Almostrecovered

this party is so fun I'm going to take off my pants and stand 2inches away from JellyBeans


----------



## happy as a clam

Almostrecovered said:


> this party is so fun I'm going to take off my pants and stand 2inches away from JellyBeans


Yes, but boxers or briefs?! They both have pee holes, you know.

:rofl:


----------



## Almostrecovered

boxer briefs of course


----------



## waylan

My take. Mountain meet molehill. That is all.


----------



## Jellybeans

Almostrecovered said:


> this party is so fun I'm going to take off my pants and stand 2inches away from JellyBeans


I bite.



Almostrecovered said:


> boxer briefs of course


Good. Those are my favorite! :smthumbup:


----------



## TRy

rbstewart said:


> Too close means, standing within 2 inches


 The fact that your wife was OK with this, and did not take a step back when he stood so close in his boxers, is cause for concern. 

Anthropologist Edward T. Hall described four levels of social distance that occur in different situations: Public distance - 12 to 25 feet, Social distance - 4 to 12 feet, Personal distance - 1.5 to 4 feet, and Intimate distance - 6 to 18 inches. The fact that she is so comfortable allowing him to penetrate the 6 to 18 inches Intimate Zone, may indicate that there may be a level of relationship between them that you do not know about. It may be just mutual attraction or it may be more.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Good I know that OP is smart enough to do the right thing. As we all know this not being dealt with can really lead to passive aggressive behaviour which leads to needs not being met and a wife becoming a wayward shortly after (with one not seeing it coming). And we also know that once they divorce, dating afterwards isn't always the easiest of things to do. But then there are others who do not seem to have any problems in marriage and these sort of things don't make sense to them at all.

Just wanted to make sure the OP didn't go down this sort of route. Drink on and enjoy!


----------



## Anon Pink

There you go JB, lemme know when you get a d!ck pick!




Almostrecovered said:


> this party is so fun I'm going to take off my pants and stand 2inches away from JellyBeans


----------



## treyvion

heartsbeating said:


> I'm only at page 2 but so far... I agree with this. Also some boxers look like shorts. I'd be more interested in the breakfast than the boxers lol. I don't know about him being close etc. but otherwise, sounds like a good host. He gave up his bed and made breakfast and respected your wishes to put pants on when you told him to.
> 
> Sometimes though, the spidey senses tingle and that's not to be ignored.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the "friend" was in there boxers only and no shirt like he's the "man of the house" then that's a serious no go. It's the same as if a female did it. It's a lack of judgement due to a lack of respect.


----------



## TRy

rbstewart said:


> I am trying to be friends and please everybody else, but at the end of the day, I can't be buddy friends anymore and have to make a decision that's best for me. Now that I have made that decision, I can tell my wife and move on.
> THANKS EVERYBODY!


 Good decision. You went with your gut. Even if the odds are that you are wrong about this guy, the possible down side to your marriage, far outweighs the up side of being his friend. It is OK to be thought of as the bad guy do not mess with me type when you are protecting your marriage.


----------



## happi_g_more2

not sure if this was asked, but is it possible that they have a history you dont know about? Maybe now that he is single your wife is feeling something. put them in a room togher when 1 is half naked and there ya go.


----------



## lenzi

intheory said:


> Since this thread "keeps going", there is something else that comes to mind.
> 
> This incident took place in Chicago on Labor Day weekend ---right?
> 
> Isn't it still pretty hot and humid there, as a rule?


Ok, it's obvious that in order to delve into this further we're going to need humidity readings, barometric pressures, and atmospheric pressures too.

Was there unusual sunspot activity that weekend too?

Somebody check an almanac!


----------



## Iver

A couple of years ago I'd have thought this was an over reaction but after seeing people I know get their lives trashed over infidelity I'd say the OP was 100% correct in his reaction. 

It's all about the vibe he was getting - you gotta trust your gut on this.

I'd also very discretely monitor the wife to make sure their isn't any back channel communications going on between her and the ex-friend.


----------



## Entropy3000

muskrat said:


> I absolutely agree that he needs to talk to his wife! He has to be very careful when doing so though, otherwise he is likely to hear " you're being ridiculous, don't you trust me?".


This is why I said this is not about the wife. 

He should tell her he was offended. Nothing about trusting her but that he feels they need to cut ties with him.

See how that simplifies things? This is him owning this.

It is not about jealousy, insecurity or control. It is about his boundaries and his values. I was not there. But if I came away feeling as the other person has, I would have confidence in myself to make this call. Passing this by folks is fine. But you have to be able to assess the risks and rewards of relationships. Those that value the marriage much more than the friendship will err on that side.

So sure he needs to tell his wife he has made a decision and needs her to support him in this. Indeed this is about the couple. But for those that follow POJA, we know that to keep this friend require both spouses approval. They both have veto power on these things.
he or she can veto this couple friendship at any time.


----------



## Entropy3000

Almostrecovered said:


> 2 inches is well within the "boner zone"


Thank you for saying what I was thinking. 

On TAM that is six inches beyond just friendly.


----------



## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> What is a VA-Clang?
> 
> But I agree. I would be turned off or, embarassed, by my husband going off on his friend really hard for something he had no issue with before I walked into the room.


I have run into folks in my life who go out of their way to put others in awkward positions like this. It is controlling in its own way. And yes they will contrive these things. Whether this was the case here we do not know. This is how boundaries slide.

The whole skill at maintaining boundaries is to know where your line is. Indeed finesse can be called for if you have that option. But if a boundary is being crossed you deal with it. Right away. You do not worry if it turns your wife or anyone else off.

Hard to tell the timing here, but if it were I and there was actual time to do so, I would have grabbed his clothes handed them to him and asked him to put them on before my wife came down. Call it a teaching moment. I get the sense the timing did not allow for this. I would not have waited for them to get within the boner zone. But I am a pretty straight up guy about things. If you put me in an awkward position I am going to turn the tables on you.


----------



## Entropy3000

GettingIt said:


> VA-CLANG! happens when your partner does something so utterly unattractive to you that it causes your vagina to involuntarily clamp shut.
> 
> Basically, things that kill your desire to have sex with your partner. Different for everyone, of course, but I'm sensing that the behavior from the OP would be a VA-CLANG moment for a lot of women because it smacks of insecurity and over the top efforts to control a situation. He lost his cool and gave in to his runaway fears, basically. Women can _smell_ that sort of thing.
> 
> This is the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophesy. Act like you're not worthy of her because you don't feel worth of her, and she WILL take notice.


At that moment her clamping her vagina would be quite appropriate. Being in the boner zone as she was.

Sometimes guys have to be blunt with each other. Remember subtleties can be lost here. The guy was probably slowly pushing the boundaries and you have to slap them upside the head at times. Maybe even literally.


----------



## clipclop2

Argh.

Apparently he trusts neither his friend NOR his wife.

He did what was right for him but won't talk to anyone but strangers about it. How right could it be in the context of his real life? 

All I see is an opportunity to demonstrate adult behaviour and strength wasted.

Boner zone.

do you guys even listen to yourself? like children.


----------



## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> You're welcome!!!!!!!!! On behalf of TAM.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Only took us 12 pages, but we got there.
> 
> Now, I need a drink.
> 
> Who's buying?


I hope that the PTVC, Post Traumatic VagClamping is not an issue for any of the ladies.


----------



## Almostrecovered

They sang about the boner zone in Top Gun


----------



## Dollystanford

Is this 14 pages because some dude cooked breakfast in boxer shorts in his own house?


----------



## Entropy3000

Eagle3 said:


> manfromlamancha, the OP has made his mind up and all is well. All problems solved.
> 
> Everyone is in here drinking now to celebrate so hop in.


Give me cranberry juice please.

NSFW :
Cranberry Juice


----------



## Entropy3000

Almostrecovered said:


> this party is so fun I'm going to take off my pants and stand 2inches away from JellyBeans


But that is not the boner zone for you.


----------



## GettingIt_2

Entropy3000 said:


> At that moment her clamping her vagina would be quite appropriate. Being in the boner zone as she was.
> 
> Sometimes guys have to be blunt with each other. Remember subtleties can be lost here. The guy was probably slowly pushing the boundaries and you have to slap them upside the head at times. Maybe even literally.


Do whatever guy thing you have to do, Ent. 

My point was simply that I would have found such behavior from my sexual partner a turn off. 

Why? I think if I really examined the issue it would be because, deep down where my desire from my partner has its roots, I see it as weak and controlling and knee-jerk. I would see that my partner did NOT have control of the situation. 

Doesn't matter what I think, tho. OP has to deal with his feelings as he sees fit, same as you do. Best he can do is own his feelings, tell his wife that he thinks his friend crossed a line, and stick to his guns. She might find THAT a turn on.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Entropy3000 said:


> At that moment her clamping her vagina would be quite appropriate. Being in the boner zone as she was.
> 
> Sometimes guys have to be blunt with each other. Remember subtleties can be lost here. The guy was probably slowly pushing the boundaries and you have to slap them upside the head at times. Maybe even literally.


Yup!
Reminds me of this song: Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines ft. T.I., Pharrell.

Apparently his wife recognized the " blurred lines " a little too late, but nevertheless ,gave him the boot.


----------



## bigbearsfan

GettingIt said:


> Do whatever guy thing you have to do, Ent.
> 
> My point was simply that I would have found such behavior from my sexual partner a turn off.
> 
> Why? I think if I really examined the issue it would be because, deep down where my desire from my partner has its roots, I see it as weak and controlling and knee-jerk. I would see that my partner did NOT have control of the situation.
> 
> Doesn't matter what I think, tho. OP has to deal with his feelings as he sees fit, same as you do. Best he can do is own his feelings, tell his wife that he thinks his friend crossed a line, and stick to his guns. She might find THAT a turn on.


Controlling and knee jerk reaction? What is a man supposed to do? Let the guy rub up on his wife in front of him? Let him continue to hit on his wife, let him bang her on the counter in front of him before he says something.

Or maybe women find it exciting another man is in his underwear 2 inches away from them and VA-BLOCKED happened because the spouse told the other man to put pants on.


----------



## Entropy3000

GettingIt said:


> Do whatever guy thing you have to do, Ent.
> 
> My point was simply that I would have found such behavior from my sexual partner a turn off.
> 
> Why? I think if I really examined the issue it would be because, deep down where my desire from my partner has its roots, I see it as weak and controlling and knee-jerk. I would see that my partner did NOT have control of the situation.
> 
> Doesn't matter what I think, tho. OP has to deal with his feelings as he sees fit, same as you do. Best he can do is own his feelings, tell his wife that he thinks his friend crossed a line, and stick to his guns. She might find THAT a turn on.


And here is the rub. Two guys can do the exact same thing and one be judged as less attractive and the other more attractive. 
It may very well depend on where the relationship is. 

And I agree, given the above, he might as well follow his own thoughts and feelings. At the very least he satisfies one person. Himself.

If he goes the other way, he may not only make himself miserable but he may be seen by his wife as weak. You know the old being dominated by another male and sh!t test combo.  The best way is to finesse things. But sometimes you get backed into a corner. If I find myself in such a corner I go shame on me. But I also realize someone wanted me in a corner.

But really you and I agree strongly. Do not do things out of fear. Do them because you feel it is the right thing to do.


----------



## Entropy3000

Caribbean Man said:


> Yup!
> Reminds me of this song: Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines ft. T.I., Pharrell.
> 
> Apparently his wife recognized the " blurred lines " a little too late, but nevertheless ,gave him the boot.


I like the other version a lot better.

And then there is this version : Blurred Lines


----------



## bigbearsfan

clipclop2 said:


> Argh.
> 
> Apparently he trusts neither his friend NOR his wife.
> 
> He did what was right for him but won't talk to anyone but strangers about it. How right could it be in the context of his real life?
> 
> All I see is an opportunity to demonstrate adult behaviour and strength wasted.
> 
> Boner zone.
> 
> do you guys even listen to yourself? like children.


Is demonstrating adult behavior running around in just your boxers in front of your friends spouse? Being only 2 inches or less in his boxers adult behavior.

What's there to talk about with the friend and his wife. You would think two grown up adults would figure out pretty quickly that the OP was pissed the friend was in his boxers in front of his wife at the time he yelled at the friend put pants on. What else is there to say?


----------



## GettingIt_2

Entropy3000 said:


> And here is the rub. Two guys can do the exact same thing and one be judged as less attractive and the other more attractive.
> It may very well depend on where the relationship is.
> 
> And I agree, given the above, he might as well follow his own thoughts and feelings. At the very least he satisfies one person. Himself.
> 
> If he goes the other way, he may not only make himself miserable but he may be seen by his wife as weak. You know the old being dominated by another male and sh!t test combo.  The best way is to finesse things. But sometimes you get backed into a corner. If I find myself in such a corner I go shame on me. But I also realize someone wanted me in a corner.
> 
> But really you and I agree strongly. Do not do things out of fear. Do them because you feel it is the right thing to do.


You know, I've been analyzing my VA-CLANG a little more closely, and I think it's less that he felt raised hackles in the first place than that he directs some of his ire towards his wife for not agreeing with him-- then he furthers that error by surmising that she might have liked the whole show. I can see the hamster wheel spinning in his head from here. That's what's unattractive. 

Something set OP's radar off: his friend is no longer married (and maybe good looking?), he thought he had been paying extra attention to his wife, the boxers incident . . . and who knows what else we're not getting? I'm guessing he's not all that secure about his wife's attraction to him, but I could be wrong. At any rate, if OP determined the friendship was no longer sustainable because of the boxers incident, he should have kept his cool for a few more hours, said goodbye to the dude, and then faded into the sunset. Next time his wife asked about the friend, he could have sat her down and told her the truth--that he doesn't like the guy anymore because he doesn't feel he respects his marriage to her. Don't bring up his wife's behavior, or ask her opinion--just lay it out and own it. Done.


----------



## Fozzy

:iagree:

This is the thing, he had a bone to pick (if you will) with his friend, not his wife. I trust my wife completely, but if i'd been in the same situation I'd have been putting a stop to it also. I know my wife wouldn't be entertaining any notions, but that's not the point. The point is this guy who's supposed to be my friend is disrespecting ME as well as our friendship.

Best thing to do is cut contact with the loser and take your lovely wife out for IHOP.


----------



## Entropy3000

GettingIt said:


> You know, I've been analyzing my VA-CLANG a little more closely, and I think it's less that he felt raised hackles in the first place than that he directs some of his ire towards his wife for not agreeing with him-- then he furthers that error by surmising that she might have liked the whole show. I can see the hamster wheel spinning in his head from here. That's what's unattractive.
> 
> Something set OP's radar off: his friend is no longer married (and maybe good looking?), he thought he had been paying extra attention to his wife, the boxers incident . . . and who knows what else we're not getting? I'm guessing he's not all that secure about his wife's attraction to him, but I could be wrong. At any rate, if OP determined the friendship was no longer sustainable because of the boxers incident, he should have kept his cool for a few more hours, said goodbye to the dude, and then faded into the sunset. Next time his wife asked about the friend, he could have sat her down and told her the truth--that he doesn't like the guy anymore because he doesn't feel he respects his marriage to her. Don't bring up his wife's behavior, or ask her opinion--just lay it out and own it. Done.


I did not agree with him being overly upset with his wife. That is why I thought he should make it about his boundaries. 

As you say, lay it out and own it. I think this actually puts him into a better position anyway.


----------



## bigbearsfan

GettingIt said:


> You know, I've been analyzing my VA-CLANG a little more closely, and I think it's less that he felt raised hackles in the first place than that he directs some of his ire towards his wife for not agreeing with him-- then he furthers that error by surmising that she might have liked the whole show. I can see the hamster wheel spinning in his head from here. That's what's unattractive.
> 
> Something set OP's radar off: his friend is no longer married (and maybe good looking?), he thought he had been paying extra attention to his wife, the boxers incident . . . and who knows what else we're not getting? I'm guessing he's not all that secure about his wife's attraction to him, but I could be wrong. At any rate, if OP determined the friendship was no longer sustainable because of the boxers incident, he should have kept his cool for a few more hours, said goodbye to the dude, and then faded into the sunset. Next time his wife asked about the friend, he could have sat her down and told her the truth--that he doesn't like the guy anymore because he doesn't feel he respects his marriage to her. Don't bring up his wife's behavior, or ask her opinion--just lay it out and own it. Done.


OP shouldn't be mad at his wife? ANOTHER MAN WAS 2 INCHES FROM HER IN HIS BOXERS/ UNDERWEAR and she said nothing or moved herself away from the situation and plays dumb "why ya mad him for"?
You say OP should have kept his mouth shut while boxer boy was inching closer to his wife. Hell from your logic he should sat there like a good little man and watched the show as boxer boy moved in to dry hump his wife in front of him.

Boxer boy has no respect or common decency for his guests, the wife allowed boundaries to be broken and the OP did the right thing and shut down the disrespect in front of him letting boxer boy and his wife he wasn't going to put up with that crap. 
And no, after that, there should be no logical reason why the OP would need to explain himself to his wife or boxer boy. It is pretty clear that both were wrong and ignored the fact OP was in the same room and something bad was starting to form.


----------



## clipclop2

did she have any place to go? Maybe she was up against the cabinet .

a lot of people are very reluctant to make a big deal about some breaches of personal space. They drive to be polite and hope it doesn't happen again then to call attention to it and cause a row.

since this happened over a year ago I think we've probably done more than enough discussing on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Personal

happy as a clam said:


> Yes, but boxers or briefs?! They both have pee holes, you know.
> 
> :rofl:


As long as Almostrecovered is wearing a shirt the pee hole doesn't matter.


----------



## Entropy3000

clipclop2 said:


> did she have any place to go? Maybe she was up against the cabinet .
> 
> a lot of people are very reluctant to make a big deal about some breaches of personal space. They drive to be polite and hope it doesn't happen again then to call attention to it and cause a row.
> 
> since this happened over a year ago I think we've probably done more than enough discussing on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People who push boundaries prey on those trying to be polite and nice and avoid conflict.

IMO the answer is to know what your hard boundary is BUT you do not wait for that if you can avoid it. Call it what you will. The eroding of boundaries or Kino escalation or whatever. You deal with the squeaky brake early on or you end up with more drama than you want.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Entropy3000 said:


> People who push boundaries , *aka predators* ,prey on those trying to be polite and nice and avoid conflict.
> 
> IMO the answer is to know what you hard boundary is BUT you do not wait for that if you can avoid it. Call it what you will. The eroding of boundaries or Kino escalation or whatever. You deal with the squeaky brake early on or you end up with mor drama than you want.


I agree.
I hope you don't mind me adding that little bit.

The only way to stop a predator is to call them out *LOUDLY* on their underhanded, creepy , predatory behavior.


The problem isn't with the OP's wife , but the man who he considered a friend.


----------



## bigbearsfan

clipclop2 said:


> did she have any place to go? Maybe she was up against the cabinet .
> 
> a lot of people are very reluctant to make a big deal about some breaches of personal space. They drive to be polite and hope it doesn't happen again then to call attention to it and cause a row.
> 
> since this happened over a year ago I think we've probably done more than enough discussing on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And maybe if the wife noticed boxer boy in his boxers and would have left the kitchen right away, there would not have been a problem either. We can play that game all day. 

Why we still talking about it.
Wife wants to know why they are not friends. Boxer boy and wife should have gotten the hint when OP but an end to Boxer boy.
And also, we have a few adults here believe it is not a big deal to parade around in your underwear around your friends spouses and its not sexy to them if you get pissed and put a stop to it. Some also think its alright this creep should get a pass since they have been friends for 30 years.


----------



## Entropy3000

Caribbean Man said:


> I agree.
> I hope you don't mind me adding that little bit.
> 
> The only way to stop a predator is to call them out *LOUDLY* on their underhanded, creepy , predatory behavior.
> 
> 
> The problem isn't with the OP's wife , but the man who he considered a friend.


Yes. They will purposely avoid subtle things. They are the same types that ignore being told, "I have a BF", "I am married" or "no". 

There are shades of gray to this. Look this guy was married twice before we were told. He is now single. He was psuhing boundaries. That can happen in that circumstance. When it does some folks will only respond to something in their face. I was not there so who knows?

I mean we know how this works.

How it got this far actually is what amazes me. Evidently he froze for a period of time. Sometimes people ratinalize boundary crossing. Did he over react? Idunno. But this was not the only thing brewing here. 

Instigation
Escalation
Isolation

They did not send the husband to the store ... the isolation was more subtle. Basically he brought her into a very close space minimizing the husband. This could very well have been his natural way of being closer to women period. But this was an escalation. The isntigation may have been having them over at all.

But once he pushed his kino to this point, it is accpepted that he can walk around in his underwear now. He did it in front of her hsuband and she was fine with it, so now that is accepted. What is next if he wanted to push this further? Well do the same thing when he is alone with her. I am betting on the wearing a towel the next time. Oooops. Is this a certainty? Hell no. Or maybe he starts walking in on her in the bedroom or bathroom. I mean it is his house. LOL. But it follows script and it is a plausible path. One has to weigh the risks.
It can be like dealing with teenagers who constantly push on boundaries for any leverage they can get. The goal is to cross that and other boundaries BUT, you seek the cover of plausible denial.

If you are going to set boundaries, I think you should know how others erode those boundaries and be able to recognize how they are looking for leverage and plausible denial.

----

No one should be reading this by now, but after he boots this liability of an ex friend he needs to examine where his marriage is. 
Rock her world perhaps.


----------



## heartsbeating

bjchristian said:


> If my friend's wife came down in her bikini and she couldn't cook well. I would still enjoy the meal.:iagree: EXOTIC FINE DINING AT ITS BEST:rofl:
> 
> But i'd be more comfortable if my wife was present, b/c I would also tell her to go up and change to into her bikini to have a session of 'my wife is hotter than yours' :rofl:
> 
> now if you follow any of my advice, remember to only blame yourself :scratchhead::lol::rofl:


My thoughts weren't along those lines. And I must be missing the humor with your post, despite the emoticons. 

I know one thing for sure though - I'm really craving pancakes reading this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2

It is one year later.

Only a beta would just be asking if he did the right thing...

And a bunch of beta guys would be saying, uh, yeah. You did.


I'm a very real woman.

Listen to one another at your own peril.

You will of course?


----------



## Entropy3000

clipclop2 said:


> It is one year later.
> 
> Only a beta would just be asking if he did the right thing...
> 
> And a bunch of beta guys would be saying, uh, yeah. You did.
> 
> 
> I'm a very real woman.
> 
> Listen to one another at your own peril.
> 
> You will of course?


(((HUGS))) 

:lol:

Be careful OP or your cycle might sync up with the Beta guys from the sound of this.

I agree though, an Alpha ( LOL ) would have smacked the guy silly and taken his wife on the kitchen table like Grant took Richmond instead of logging on a year later to a pink website populated with very real women and a bunch of beta guys. 

Back to watching Lifetime TV for me.


----------



## tom67

Entropy3000 said:


> (((HUGS)))
> 
> :lol:
> 
> Be careful or your cycle might sync up with the Beta guys.
> 
> Just being real here.


:rofl:


----------



## See_Listen_Love

rbstewart said:


> The problem is, my wife has too been good friends with him (seriously, only when I'm around) over the years, and if I cut him off, she loses a friend too, I look like the bad guy! My daughter also wonders why I haven't patched things up.


I am of the opinion all men are equal when it comes down to being attracted by the opposite sex. So while my analysis is that standing that close (2 inch is way closer that I even expected when sounding the alarm bell!) is like having mental sex, I may suggest you just have warned them both, and the same could happen with anybody and everywhere.

So unless you want to lock your wife up forever in your house, you have to accept the reality of male-female dynamics. You could renew the friendship, while having learned a valuable lesson. 

To the posters who think this was innocent: I have myself been several times approached by women who came to close, some times it was nice, and exciting. Sometimes uncomfortable. Sometimes I was the one seeking the thrill of seeing how far one could go. Always the two are very aware of what is happening at the border of what is inappropriate.

Thanks to TAM I have become much more sensitive to what is actually happening and how close you come to danger, how disrespectful this is and maybe the start of further trouble.


----------



## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> Hard to tell the timing here, but if it were I and there was actual time to do so, I would have grabbed his clothes handed them to him and asked him to put them on before my wife came down.


But he didn't. And he didn't take issue with it until she arrived on the scene. 



clipclop2 said:


> Apparently he trusts neither his friend NOR his wife.
> Boner zone.
> 
> do you guys even listen to yourself? like children.






bigbearsfan said:


> Controlling and knee jerk reaction? What is a man supposed to do? *Let the guy rub up on his wife in front of him? Let him continue to hit on his wife, let him bang her on the counter in front of him before he says something.*





bigbearsfan said:


> OP shouldn't be mad at his wife? ANOTHER MAN WAS 2 INCHES FROM HER IN HIS BOXERS/ UNDERWEAR and *she said nothing *or moved herself away from the situation *and plays dumb* "why ya mad him for"?


Yeah that's it. Now it's the wife who is an idiot. She is stupid and dumb and would have totally fvcked that guy on the counter in front of the husband. No self-restraint or ability to have an opinion or feelings of her own. 

Women are evil and stupid.


----------



## Dollystanford

But Jelly, he was a mere TWO INCHES away. I know that if any man gets within that range I'm liable to drop my knickers immediately whatever the situation


----------



## Jellybeans

That's exactly what I mean. 

No woman can resist a man who is only TWO inches away from her making pancakes with her husband. It's NOT possible. We would drop our panties right there and ask to be fvcked, porn-styles. 


I mean, DUH. We women can't control our minds/bodies.


----------



## Almostrecovered

you are slaves to your limbic systems


----------



## Dollystanford

I see a dark tricycle and my brain turns to candyfloss


----------



## bigbearsfan

Jellybeans said:


> That's exactly what I mean.
> 
> No woman can resist a man who is only TWO inches away from her making pancakes with her husband. It's NOT possible. We would drop our panties right there and ask to be fvcked, porn-styles.
> 
> 
> I mean, DUH. We women can't control our minds/bodies.


Sounds so innocent the way you stated he was just making her pancakes, but forgot to add one small detail...HE WAS JUST IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

So you are saying she knew exactly what she was doing and didn't back away from the situation?


----------



## Dollystanford

Do you know what, I probably wouldn't give it a second thought if someone whose house I was staying in was cooking in boxer shorts. Naked? yeah sure. Boxer shorts? Nope

I don't know why you are so hell bent on making this some kind of porn film scenario where their eyes suggestively meet over the pancake batter but this hysterical blowing things out of proportion is not normal. I mean it's normal for TAM but not for the real world


----------



## Almostrecovered

BUT he was making sausage!


----------



## Dollystanford

And clearly looking for somewhere to stuff it


----------



## bigbearsfan

Dollystanford said:


> Do you know what, I probably wouldn't give it a second thought if someone whose house I was staying in was cooking in boxer shorts. Naked? yeah sure. Boxer shorts? Nope
> 
> I don't know why you are so hell bent on making this some kind of porn film scenario where their eyes suggestively meet over the pancake batter but this hysterical blowing things out of proportion is not normal. I mean it's normal for TAM but not for the real world


Excuse me, but since when has it ever been appropriate to be in your underwear around other people spouses in the real world?


----------



## Nigel Pinchley

Appropriate vs inappropriate is one thing, but inflating this whole thing into some huge, disrespectful slap in the face to OP or some sign of low moral standards for his W is, I think, a bit much. Dissecting this thing to the Nth degree I think has lead to reading a lot more into it that most rational people would.

Well, for the real world, anyway.


----------



## Almostrecovered

which cast of the Real World? The New Orleans cast was pretty wild


----------



## Fozzy

Didn't the OP indicate that the guy had been making moves on her all weekend, leading up to the "underwear incident"? Perhaps as an isolated event the boxers in the kitchen could be written off as a clueless guy not understanding that pants aren't optional in front of guests. But taken as a part of a whole pattern over the course of a few days...not cool.


----------



## Almostrecovered

"The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife."


not exactly making moves on her all weekend now, is it? If anything the memory of what happened previously in the weekend is probably tainted a bit due to how angry and jealous he got, funny how the brain changes things.


----------



## Jellybeans

Almostrecovered said:


> which cast of the Real World? The New Orleans cast was pretty wild


:rofl:


----------



## Fozzy

Almostrecovered said:


> "The whole weekend, he seemed to be paying a lot of attention towards my wife."
> 
> 
> not exactly making moves on her all weekend now, is it? If anything the memory of what happened previously in the weekend is probably tainted a bit due to how angry and jealous he got, funny how the brain changes things.


I stand corrected, and you make a good point. It's very possible OP's recollection of the weekend was colored by that morning.

If that's true, it may well have been a misunderstanding. If OP's recollections are correct, I still would say cutting the guy out of his life is the best option.


----------



## Jellybeans

What's for breakfast, honey?

Pancakes and penis!


----------



## manfromlamancha

bigbearsfan said:


> Excuse me, but since when has it ever been appropriate to be in your underwear around other people spouses in the real world?


I do happen to know that this is the norm in most trailer parks and in hillbilly country. Actually the boxer shorts are optional as long as they have the wife-beater vest on. Body odour is a must though!

I met quite a few of these people and all of them were OK with their wives hanging around their BFF's who were in their underwear, hadn't showered and were busy cooking vittles for the guests who were also their first cousins.

But certainly not normal in cities and towns.


----------



## Jellybeans

By the way, I did find some penis-shaped pancake pictures but didn't want the Mods to delete it so I stayed very PC with my pic. LOL.

Plus this thread could use some lightening up.


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## Almostrecovered

Jellybeans said:


> Plus this thread could use some lightening up.



Light and Fluffy Pancakes from Cook's Illustrated

Why this recipe works:

When it comes to pancake recipes, we are definite fans of buttermilk, which adds flavor depth and its characteristic tang. After exhaustive testing with chemical leaveners, we opted for a combination of baking powder and baking soda to leaven our pancake recipe. The small amount of baking soda gave the pancakes a coarser crumb and made them light and tender. The baking powder helped with the rise.


Serves 3 to 4 (about 8 3-inch pancakes)

This batter serves four perfectly for a light weekday breakfast. You may want to double the recipe for weekend pancake making, when appetites are larger. If you happen to be using salted butter or buttermilk, you may want to cut back a bit on the salt. If you don’t have any buttermilk, mix three-quarters cup of room temperature milk with one tablespoon of lemon juice and let it stand for five minutes. Substitute this “clabbered milk” for the three-quarters cup of buttermilk and one-quarter cup of milk in this recipe. Since this milk mixture is not as thick as buttermilk, the batter and resulting pancakes will not be as thick.
Ingredients

1 cup unbleached all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup milk (plus an extra tablespoon or so if batter is too thick)
1 large egg, separated
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
Vegetable oil (for brushing griddle)

Instructions

1. Mix dry ingredients in medium bowl. Pour buttermilk and milk into 2-cup Pyrex measuring cup. Whisk in egg white; mix yolk with melted butter, then stir into milk mixture. Dump wet ingredients into dry ingredients all at once; whisk until just mixed.

2. Meanwhile, heat griddle or large skillet over strong medium-high heat. Brush griddle generously with oil. When water splashed on surface confidently sizzles, pour batter, about 1/4 cup at a time, onto griddle, making sure not to overcrowd. When pancake bottoms are brown and top surface starts to bubble, 2 to 3 minutes, flip cakes and cook until remaining side has browned, 1 to 2 minutes longer. Re-oil the skillet and repeat for the next batch of pancakes.


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## Jellybeans

Mmmm...now I want pancakes.


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## Fozzy

Jellybeans said:


> What's for breakfast, honey?
> 
> Pancakes and penis!


That ain't syrup.


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## Jellybeans

Rule 1: Don't ever walk into the kitchen when the MENZ are there


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## omgitselaine

Jellybeans said:


> What's for breakfast, honey?
> 
> Pancakes and penis!


Hmmmm now for some odd reason I'm in the mood for peni oopossss meant pancakes ahem ahem !?!?

With lots and lots of ummmm syrup too pleaseeeee !!

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Big Tree




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## Jellybeans

I've never thought of pancakes as sexy til now.

That picture of Buzz and Woody is HILARIOUS. Love it.


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## Forest

Hang on--
It seems like I saw a thread somewhere else from a woman upset that her husband's friend waltzed around the kitchen in his boxers, and her husband did nothing about it.

Where was that...?


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## bigbearsfan

Forest said:


> Hang on--
> It seems like I saw a thread somewhere else from a woman upset that her husband's friend waltzed around the kitchen in his boxers, and her husband did nothing about it.
> 
> Where was that...?


Do worry about it Forest, its just the double standard. Damn if a guy sticks up for his marriage or Damn if he doesn't. But some will continue to make fun of having morals and celebrate low morals and indecency.


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## Eagle3

_Do worry about it Forest, it’s just the double standard. Damn if a guy sticks up for his marriage or Damn if he doesn't. But some will continue to make fun of having morals and celebrate low morals and indecency._ 

You Mad Bro?

Seriously this thread was solved pages ago with the OP but you keep coming on hounding your point over. We get it this is a trigger or something for you. We have all told the OP it’s his choice what he wants to do and he made it. No one has gone against it.

The thing is there are people out there that have different views and some see this as not a deal breaker and some as do. No one is right and wrong but you seem to want to be the moral police. This situation on what we were told for some could be a cheater deal or just a longtime friend wearing some boxers in his house deal. The thing is no view is def right or wrong so just chill out and stop getting on a high horse that anyone that does not view this as a friend sleeping w friends wife as what is going on. 

The OP and most have moved on you should too.


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## lenzi

This thread is not finished until we get atmospheric pressure readings, the dewpoint on the day of the possible transgression and the known whereabouts of Haley's Comet..


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## heartsbeating

Jellybeans said:


> What's for breakfast, honey?
> 
> Pancakes and penis!


My fave!


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## clipclop2

So everyone who is freaked out by the dude in boxers has never been to the beach and seen guys in speedos? The outlines are a lot worse than a penis that as far as we are aware remained safely hidden.

Do I like speedos? Nope. Guys in thong suits? No way. I'd rather see a guy in boxers. Less of him to see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal

The old budgie smuggler, so few can wear them well, perhaps no one can.

I hope we can we get to 20 pages, my wife and I are enjoying the *batter*.


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## heartsbeating

Here's to getting to 20 pages. My husband's take was similar as me. No problem with the boxers scenario. He added, if there was a vibe or flirtation that's more the issue. Other details and questions seem unanswered here. Being so long ago, memory can be fickle. Instincts are to be trusted though.

Last couple of pages made me laugh. My bestie and her husband were moving back overseas. After dinner and drinks, I went back to her place to spend more time before having to say goodbye. Her husband (who was in bed and had work the next day) was accommodating to us chatting in the front room until about 2am. Then we had to say our farewells  She woke him up to say goodbye. Wiping his bleary eyes, and wearing his boxers and tshirt, he lifted me up in the biggest hug. Then my friend and I hugged. God I miss them. Maybe I ought to have told him to put pants on before he hugged me.


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## Forest

bigbearsfan said:


> Do worry about it Forest, its just the double standard. Damn if a guy sticks up for his marriage or Damn if he doesn't. But some will continue to make fun of having morals and celebrate low morals and indecency.



If the husband doesn't approve -- he's a controlling oaf that thinks women are flighty little trollops unable to govern their own emotions? What if the husband takes no notice? Is he then a spineless wimp, dumbly labeled by some undesirable Greek letter?

That's some hedging Vegas would appreciate.


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## Dollystanford

Female liberty at stake? Some people on this board are such puritanical drama queens. Ready to assign sinister or sexual motive to everything - what depressing lives you must lead. Filled with anger and suspicion. But continue to kid yourselves by saying it's just reason and logic


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## Jellybeans

See_Listen_Love said:


> A lot of the female posters display something like the 'Fog' thinking.
> 
> Is is very sad the reason and logic go out of the window as soon as female liberty is perceived to be at stake.


Once again, the lesson here is that WOMENZ ARE BAD. Womenz are evil, all having affairs and can't control their sexuality.

Thanks for summing it all up for us.


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## soccermom2three

If I was the wife, this what I would be thinking:

"OMG, husband's friend is only wearing his boxers and is standing too close to me. I wish he would put on his clothes. This is inappropriate and I'm uncomfortable but I won't say anything because I hate confrontation, avoid conflict and I don't like making people feel bad. I'll just stand here feeling awkward and hope he goes away soon."

See how that can work with some women? 

And the reason why she's asking after your friend is because she's concerned about your friendship with him.


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## Entropy3000

Whether real, imagined or even contrived, this thread fits a classic scenario we see not just here on TAM. We are given a scenario that puts a husband in an awkward social situation involving his wife and another male. Where the husbands perception, real or imagined is that the other male is inappropriate but the wife seems not to notice it and our or simply has a different view than her husband about it. So that is the general set.

We have a triangle. Varying combinations of relationships here. Conflicting priorities. PVT. Pressure Volume Temperaure. Changing any one factor of this triangle can impact the other two. A dilemma is created for our hero. That is the OP. We are asked to see it from his perspective. Indeed one can try and put themselves in the shoes or boxer shorts in this case of the different individuals. 

When given bits and pieces of said puzzle we must fill in the gaps. Questions get asked. Sometimes there is trickle truth. Sometimes the questions are just ignored or obfuscated leaving further ambiguity. Which can lead to motivation for the thread. But whatever the motivation, it is interesting to me anyway the way the posters interact on this including myself. 

So the gaps get filled by varying means. I suspect in combinations depending on ones own experience and ones problem solving abilities. Projection or logic? LOL. This is usually determined by how closely the other posters opinion is to our own. But it also comes down to perceptions, values and agendas. Oh and certainly culture. Demographics. 

Maybe more importantly than all of this, it comes down to how one perceives the roles in marriage when dealing with these situations.

We have the jealousy, insecurty and controlling thrown in.

Creative uses of the old alpha/beta spin. I agree with GettingIT on this aspect. That it came down to the OP making a decision based on what he perceived.

Friends versus Marriage relationships. A husband playing c0ckblocker. This actualy goes on and on. 

As I said I was not there but knowing myself, if I came away with the conclusion that the friend was inappropriate I would not surpress it. I would deal with it the best I knew how. It is a real time decision some times. Some feel the husband has little say so here whatsoever. That it is all on the wife that in some way the husband intervening was controlling his wife. WTF? This is why I say that as the husband I would feel disrespected. Whether we think the wife should have done this or that is another question.

With just the information given, and from just my view, priorities and yes culture, I say the husband goes with his gut. Right or wrong walking around in nothing but boxers with extended family such as this is not something the folks I socialize with would be ok with. Just like the yoga pants discussion ones picture of the attire varies dramtically. No pictures or it did not happen as it has been said.

So the next time this story goes on the net maybe someone will tweak a parameter. It seemed to matter whether these were boxer briefs or boxers. So there is some low hanging fruit of the loom for us. Switching roles perhaps. The wife is in the kitchen in a nightgown only and that depending on the morning light becomes ambiguously less opaque. What she normally wears when alone with hubby and her half sister Allison. The friend is visiting and helping to make ... pancakes and sausage. They can still interact in the "boner zone". Hmmm. Maybe this IS the yoga pants discsussion again. LOL. But these are the sheer ones.

Or perhaps she is just flat not wearing her burqua.

Suggested reading list :

[x] Art Of War
[x] His Needs Her Needs
[x] MMSL
[x] Standard Pressure Volume Temperature Data for Polymers
[x] PUA Field Guide: Kino Escalation
[x] Friends With Benefits
[x] Not Just Friends
[x] Wonderful Tonight: George Harrison, Eric Clapton, and Me ( Pattie Boyd )
[x] The French Lieutenant's Woman
[x] Boxers Versus Briefs
[x] Breaking Amish
[x] Florida Trailor Parks Guide
[x] Firemen's Calendar
[x] Not With My Wife you don't
[x] He's not my father
[x] Context Matters
[x] Size Matters
[x] Dress For Success
[x] Cooking in the Nude: A Practical Guide
[x] British Etiquette: Are We Too Polite?
[x] Art Of C0ckblocking: Chapter 42 The Boner Zone
[x] Thunder Run: Penetrating the Tigris & Euphrates to Baghdad
[x] Jessie's Girl
[x] General F. Waddery


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## manfromlamancha

This is getting ridiculous! No one is attacking his wife! No one is saying women are evil. Really don't know where this is coming from. His friend overstepped a boundary, not because he didn't have a choice but because he chose to. And OP closed it down real fast (whether his wife enjoyed it or not). The question poised was did he do the right thing because he perceived this "friend" to be hitting on his wife. And the answer is very simple - it's either yes or no. A lot of us believe he did the right thing and this in a lot of our cases is based on experience. Others here seem to be going off on some women's rights crusade.


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## Forest

manfromlamancha said:


> This is getting ridiculous! No one is attacking his wife! No one is saying women are evil. Really don't know where this is coming from.


Its because you're male, and don't realize the entire male race exists only to trample and insult women. Sometimes you have to turn over rocks, and finish people's thoughts for them to realize it, though.

(that's to maintain an equal and opposite reaction)


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## Nigel Pinchley

Oh god, this thread really should have been locked once OP made up his mind.


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## treyvion

:scratchhead:


manfromlamancha said:


> This is getting ridiculous! No one is attacking his wife! No one is saying women are evil. Really don't know where this is coming from. His friend overstepped a boundary, not because he didn't have a choice but because he chose to. And OP closed it down real fast (whether his wife enjoyed it or not). The question poised was did he do the right thing because he perceived this "friend" to be hitting on his wife. And the answer is very simple - it's either yes or no. A lot of us believe he did the right thing and this in a lot of our cases is based on experience. Others here seem to be going off on some women's rights crusade.


How the hell is this a "womans rights crusade"? So she has the right to allow another man to disrespect her husband in her house? What?:scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000

*** NO actual animals or spouses were hit ***


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## clipclop2

Its just resting...


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## Entropy3000

intheory said:


> *
> As it's part of the same story, I wanted to add:*
> 
> Layla - Derek and the Dominos - YouTube


This is freaking awesome. Yes. yes. exactly. :smthumbup:

Layla Story

All BS aside you chose wisely. This was not so cleverly hidden in the list. This IS the point. The above elaborates. Indeed for this story over exaggerates but this is the point about friends, wives and lovers. 

What a fantastic song this is : Wonderful Tonight
Not too shabby either : Something

And there is always : Sundown Some say this was also about a love triangle.



> "Sundown" was the nickname of a close friend of Mr. Lightfoot's who shall remain nameless. Suffice to say, Mr. Lightfoot beganto suspect that his friend was having an affair with his first wife. This occurred at a point when Mr. Lightfoot's marrige was on the rocks to begin with, and also when he was struggling with pretty serious problem with alcohol and the violence that drinking tended to bring out of him.


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## Personal

Twenty pages!

:toast:

What if both men were wearing boxers?


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## Coffee Amore

Personal said:


> What if both men were wearing boxers?


That's when we get the thread..

"Is my husband gay? Caught him and his friend in their underwear!!"


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## AliceA

DH said, "in my house, be glad I put pants on"...

*sigh* lol


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## Chaparral

Jellybeans said:


> Once again, the lesson here is that WOMENZ ARE BAD. Womenz are evil, all having affairs and can't control their sexuality.
> 
> Thanks for summing it all up for us.


:rofl: I am assuming you came to this conclusion because the "scientists" claim one third of women have cheated on their partner and about 70-75% would cheat if they new they wouldn't get caught?

Personally, I have trusted all the women I've had relationships with. Unfortunately, that turned out to be misplaced arrogance a couple of times.


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## omgitselaine

Jellybeans said:


> What's for breakfast, honey?
> 
> Pancakes and penis!


Any ummmmmm ...............pancakes on this lazy Sunday morning  ??


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## Jellybeans

Chaparral said:


> :rofl: I am assuming you came to this conclusion because the "scientists" claim one third of women have cheated on their partner and about 70-75% would cheat if they new they wouldn't get caught?


I'm not basing any of my responses on some "scientists." No clue where you are getting that idea from. I am also not spouting statistical data.



Chaparral said:


> Personally, I have trusted all the women I've had relationships with. Unfortunately, that turned out to be misplaced arrogance a couple of times.


That sucks for you. 



phoenix_ said:


> Aren't you tired of being overly defensive for 20 pages of this thread yet?
> 
> Your desperate attempts of making everybody with an opinion sound like a sexist is just irritating.


Not that I was typing to you, I am not being "overly defensive." I am responding to posts in this thread.


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## Ikaika

Jellybeans said:


> I'm not basing any of my responses on some "scientists." No clue where you are getting that idea from. I am also not spouting statistical data.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That sucks for you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not that I was typing to you, I am not being "overly defensive." I am responding to posts in this thread.



Some scientist are lost about what 99% of the time on TAM. 

Oh and, I'll have gluten free (bean flour) and fruit sweetened (no processed sugar) along with hemp oil, flax seed oil or coconut oil in place of butter please.


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## DoF

If he was your friend, he would have enough respect for YOUR CHILDREN....YOUR WIFE.....and most importantly YOU and put some clothes on.

Also your wife would be COMPLETELY off limits as well.

READ: That's not a friend


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## Married but Happy

On some sites, this would be the opening scenario for a threesome on the kitchen table. On TAM, however, you never know which way it will go!


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## Regret214

seasalt said:


> Even if you can now say that they look like shorts the reality is that your should be ex friend knew they were skivvies. You're not wrong and always protect your wife. It's one of or perhaps the most important thing you should concern yourself with.
> 
> I remember a previous poster, SomedayDig, who allowed his wife to get naked at a pool party with other wives and then was not happy with the course their marriage took. Don't ever apologize for being vigilant.
> 
> My opinion,
> 
> Seasalt



Ummm...that never happened. I have no idea where you got that from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Regret214 said:


> Ummm...that never happened. I have no idea where you got that from.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was DevistatedDad and his wife wasn't it? Was it ChangingMe?


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## Regret214

Possibly, but it certainly wasn't me. Due diligence is always best, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Regret214 said:


> Possibly, but it certainly wasn't me. Due diligence is always best, IMO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm pretty sure that was DD and CM. They attended pool parties where all the women got topless.


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## DoF

bandit.45 said:


> I'm pretty sure that was DD and CM. They attended pool parties where all the women got topless.


What's wrong with that? I'm sure they both enjoyed the scene and plenty of members here would enjoy it as well.

Nothing wrong with little eye candy.


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