# Spicing things up



## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

This is something that I am really not sure if I can post here or not. If not, please advise and I can delete the post. I looked through the forum rules and I cannot see where I might breach anything, so here it goes...

After being married for quite sometime, sex started getting a little boring and predictable. After some research, I thought I would introduce some bondage in our marriage. Definitely nothing extreme. I took a chance and the Mrs loves it, so it is a win win for us.

I just wondered if any other couples introduced this and what they think. I wondered about it for a while before introducing it and in the end I felt it was fine, as long as nobody was being forced or coerced or being made to feel degraded etc. I am hoping to get some tips and ideas as we are still really new to this and at the moment it feels a bit on the "scripted" side of things and it would be great to make it a bit more carefree.


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

Go to a store together ! See what catches both of your eyes and go from there. Shop online even there’s some great ideas out there for beginners


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Find out what each of you likes. You agree beforehand that either can ask for *anything* and that the only negative reaction will be "no thank you" rather than some sort of shock / horror.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Jewels1100 said:


> Go to a store together ! See what catches both of your eyes and go from there. Shop online even there’s some great ideas out there for beginners


I found the hard way that you need to be careful of what you see on line. I am hesitant to look stuff up and wondered if there are any guides that are safe?


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

My wife and I talked a bit about this stuff. I knew that she was weary of "vanilla", but I was not sure what else to try and then discovered an article written about bedroom bondage. I mentioned it to her once and her initial reaction was definite uncertainty. I was never going to push anything, so I just mentioned it gradually over a course of time and then she seemed up for it with some conditions as nothing weird or yuck (which I am never into). 

I suspected she wanted to go down this avenue of introducing some "kinky activity" in the bedroom, but she was too embarrassed to ask. I eventually introduced some toys and at first she was like "no way", but this rapidly changed to "yes please". Same with the bondage, I suggested a blindfold and gag and she was quite uncertain about it, but after being tied up for the first time, she was keen to be blindfolded and gagged. I suspect she was into this, but had some initial inhibitions. She has come out and said that she loves the whole bondage thing now and it's a huge turn on for her. 

We have done some bondage a few times now, but I still feel very much the rookie. We are into bondage for her (which she loves) and use things like satin ties to tie her to the bed, blindfold and either a ball gag or cleave gag. I typically use a feather tickler, nipple suction cups (nipple clamps seemed to hurt), vibrator, dildo and perform oral on her. She has some of the most powerful orgasms ever whilst tied up, blindfolded and gagged.

I had some questions if people are comfortable to share some opinions with me (if not, no problem)...

1. Cleave gags - I always loved seeing these in movies and find them quite erotic. I am confused on what material is typically used though? Are they just scarves, or bandannas? Some I see are white, look slightly puffy and slender. Some I see are black, quite puffy and look like they stretchy. I like the sexy damsel look, but would like the gag to muffle sound a bit. Any suggestions?

2. Ball gags - We have an intermediate sized one and will probably not go any larger as she said it can hurt her jaw after a while. I worry that using a ball gag might do damage to her jaw? Is this something that can happen? She would only ever be gagged for 20min - 45min max.

3. Doing the bondage thing - I am curious to know how people typically would do a bondage session and what they typically do? How do couples set it up, what activities are typically done? Please keep in mind that we are not into torture or that kind of level and do not plan to go to that level. For us, we are very happy with her being tied, gagged and blindfolded for a time of pleasure, where she just has no choice but to enjoy in silence. Last time or two, I felt it was a bit rushed and would like to take it slower. I don't really have the desire to be tied up, but I enjoy tying her up and having my way with her (all done with her ejoyment). How often do couples do this? It would be fun to get a bit more relaxed and not have things so "scripted".

I never thought we would actually get into bondage, but it is definitely an amazing experience.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Find out what each of you likes. You agree beforehand that either can ask for *anything* and that the only negative reaction will be "no thank you" rather than some sort of shock / horror.


I get what you are saying, but I think it can get a bit awkward for her talking about the nitty gritty details. In my experience, I think women are not as candid about this stuff? It can make it a bit of a challenge for the man, in that you have the pressure of guessing a bit and at the same time you do not want to introduce something your wife doesn't like. For us, I think this is about as kinky or spicey as we will get.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depends some people can talk about it, some can't. 

I think the key is being utterly non-judgmental. 




Pacman 2000 said:


> I get what you are saying, but I think it can get a bit awkward for her talking about the nitty gritty details. In my experience, I think women are not as candid about this stuff? It can make it a bit of a challenge for the man, in that you have the pressure of guessing a bit and at the same time you do not want to introduce something your wife doesn't like. For us, I think this is about as kinky or spicey as we will get.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Pacman 2000 said:


> This is something that I am really not sure if I can post here or not. If not, please advise and I can delete the post. I looked through the forum rules and I cannot see where I might breach anything, so here it goes...
> 
> After being married for quite sometime, sex started getting a little boring and predictable. After some research, I thought I would introduce some bondage in our marriage. Definitely nothing extreme. I took a chance and the Mrs loves it, so it is a win win for us.
> 
> I just wondered if any other couples introduced this and what they think. I wondered about it for a while before introducing it and in the end I felt it was fine, as long as nobody was being forced or coerced or being made to feel degraded etc. I am hoping to get some tips and ideas as we are still really new to this and at the moment it feels a bit on the "scripted" side of things and it would be great to make it a bit more carefree.


Life is short. My suggestion is to download two Yes/No/Maybe lists and each independently fill out and then share. Then sit down and talk through the list. See the things you both say yes to, talk about why some things are no for one partner or the other. Then talk about how mutual maybe's or yes/maybe's could be added to you playtime, every now and then.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Find out what each of you likes. You agree beforehand that either can ask for *anything* and that the only negative reaction will be "no thank you" rather than some sort of shock / horror.


Actually having a real discussion on "why" one party has a hard boundary is very helpful. For example, my wife feels that her vulva is "unclean" and it would be "off-putting" for me to kiss her or lick her down there. I asked if it would still be unclean after a shower....yes. I asked if I were to use a dental dam over her.....she had never thought of that. So more than a "no thank you" can help you understand a partner's reluctance. You might not change their mind, but you and they can confront their real and made-up reasons for not wanting to do something. 

There is a dental dam in the bedside table drawer, she knows it is there and I have offered to use it, but so far she has said no. You can't change your partner, but you can try to understand their stated fears/concerns. Then you can suggest ways that will not violate their boundaries or at least confront them with their true fears.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

fetlife is a Facebook style community for kink. They list events, many g-rater learning events. Great place to start.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> fetlife is a Facebook style community for kink. They list events, many g-rater learning events. Great place to start.


Thanks. I had heard of this community, but I am concerned that it is for stuff that is really out there?


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

For us, I think broaching ideas or certain topics via text initially seems to break the ice with us. I think it gives her the chance to consider and then later we can talk more in depth.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually having a real discussion on "why" one party has a hard boundary is very helpful. For example, my wife feels that her vulva is "unclean" and it would be "off-putting" for me to kiss her or lick her down there. I asked if it would still be unclean after a shower....yes. I asked if I were to use a dental dam over her.....she had never thought of that. So more than a "no thank you" can help you understand a partner's reluctance. You might not change their mind, but you and they can confront their real and made-up reasons for not wanting to do something.
> 
> There is a dental dam in the bedside table drawer, she knows it is there and I have offered to use it, but so far she has said no. You can't change your partner, but you can try to understand their stated fears/concerns. Then you can suggest ways that will not violate their boundaries or at least confront them with their true fears.


I hear you and experienced something similar. Maybe I am wrong, but I think women are misguided on their bodies and sexuality when they are growing up. It took many years for my wife to be comfortable with me giving her oral, but I am persistent. She is still has a bit of a mindset about that area being "dirty", but she enjoys it so much that the pleasure of it wins out. I find a saucy text hinting at what I want to do with her is enough to get the crockpot simmering...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> Thanks. I had heard of this community, but I am concerned that it is for stuff that is really out there?


Not sure what that means. There are all kinds of people. And it is very welcoming to all. At least around here.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Is there nobody really into bondage here? It would be great to get a bit of a discussion going on this.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Update - I just briefly checked out Fetlife and it is not a site that I would feel comfortable hanging out on. If people here are not really into the bondage stuff, that's ok, but does anyone know where someone can go for information and some discussion?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> Update - I just briefly checked out Fetlife and it is not a site that I would feel comfortable hanging out on. If people here are not really into the bondage stuff, that's ok, but does anyone know where someone can go for information and some discussion?


My thought was to use the event section for local meetups. But ... what kind of information or discussion are you looking for?


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> My thought was to use the event section for local meetups. But ... what kind of information or discussion are you looking for?


No thanks to local meetups... 

I was hoping to start a discussion on how bondage is included in the bedroom with other couples. How people initiate the play, what they use. Porn is not an option for us, so we don't get any queues there. It's all rather new and at the moment it feels a bit scripted or too structured (if that makes sense)?
Ball gags, cleave gags, no gags? Rope? Silk? Tied to bed? Tied to chair? How long? Is the bondage session casual or intense? These sort of questions...

From what I have tried to research, bondage can get pretty extreme and we are not into that. Fetlife seems rather extreme for us. We are a husband and wife that want to add a bit more kink, but nothing extreme.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First safety.
1) safe word. Even if you don't think you need one, have one. ("red" is fine). It can avoid horrible misunderstandings. 

2). Safety: Have a way to get the person loose quickly, and a way that they can get themselves free if they have to. 

3) don't hang / suspend anyone, and no tight ropes that could cut off circulation unless you have read / learned a lot.

Otherwise what other couples do doesn't matter - there is just too much variation. It can be a spank during sex, or a long complex role-play with costumes and detailed plots. 

There are many directions: pain (real or pretend), domination, humiliation, obedience, etc etc. You have to *communicate* to be sure that there are things you both enjoy. 






Pacman 2000 said:


> No thanks to local meetups...
> 
> I was hoping to start a discussion on how bondage is included in the bedroom with other couples. How people initiate the play, what they use. Porn is not an option for us, so we don't get any queues there. It's all rather new and at the moment it feels a bit scripted or too structured (if that makes sense)?
> Ball gags, cleave gags, no gags? Rope? Silk? Tied to bed? Tied to chair? How long? Is the bondage session casual or intense? These sort of questions...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm curious what your wife's personality is like. What kinds of behaviors does she exhibit during her normal life? Inhibited? Controlling? Shy? There must be a way to identify people who might be into this kink, just based on what kind of personality they have. I've long suspected that my wife would like to be roughed up or hurt a little, but this isn't something that comes naturally to me. And even if I found the courage to ask her, she'd get embarrassed and/or lie.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not sure what that means. There are all kinds of people. And it is very welcoming to all. At least around here.


Don't get me wrong... I am not judging anyone. I get it that everyone is different and like different things. I just think we are more into the conservative side of things. Fetlife appears to be full throttle activity with meet ups, clubs, dungeons etc. We would just never be into that kind of level. Hopefully this makes sense?


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

uhtred said:


> First safety.
> 1) safe word. Even if you don't think you need one, have one. ("red" is fine). It can avoid horrible misunderstandings.
> 
> 2). Safety: Have a way to get the person loose quickly, and a way that they can get themselves free if they have to.
> ...


Good points, thanks. It would be good to get an idea of what this sort of play looks like with couples. For us, it is mostly about tying her up so I can have my way with her and she can fully relax and enjoy.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm curious what your wife's personality is like. What kinds of behaviors does she exhibit during her normal life? Inhibited? Controlling? Shy? There must be a way to identify people who might be into this kink, just based on what kind of personality they have. I've long suspected that my wife would like to be roughed up or hurt a little, but this isn't something that comes naturally to me. And even if I found the courage to ask her, she'd get embarrassed and/or lie.


My wife is very confident and sure of herself. She is definitely the more dominant personality out of us two. In the bedroom, I see now that she has wanted me to take charge for some time. Like you, this never came naturally to me. After being married for so long, it just felt time to explore outside vanilla. So I took a chance and brought bondage up in conversation (via text initially) and then we talked about it. I showed her an article and she seemed keen to try some non-vanilla. Initially she had apprehensions about blindfolds and especially gags and toys. I never rush things and certainly do not force anything, so I was willing to back off. However, she saw my slight disappointment one night and then in the heat of the moment said "why not", so we did it. I always kept assuring her that I am not into degrading her or hurting her and if she didn't like bedroom bondage, then we could back off and try other things. Each time she assured me that she loved it and was very into it.
It is great to love someone and have this sort of sexual adventure with. I still feel like a bit of a rookie though and I am hoping to better understand how to initiate this sort of play and what couples do.
Maybe I am in the wrong forum to ask this? I just don't want to go to some forum where they make suggestions like choking or cages and stuff like that. I don't like torture and pain stuff.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

so maybe try other scenarios? Tie her over the couch and have her from behind? Just grab her, bend her over, pull down her panties, and have her. Go caveman -- come home, grab her, pull her into the bedroom, strip her, etc.. Be forceful in how you talk to her during sex. Command her to do things, "force" her to do things, etc.

Seems like maybe she doesn't JUST want the tie to a bed -- seems like (you even said this) she wants YOU to be dominant in your sex life. Try other things being dominant to keep things fresh.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Pacman 2000 said:


> I don't like torture and pain stuff.


My wife doesn't like it either, yet we do other things with me being dominant/leading. So although we don't do spanking, I do tell her to open her mouth so I can pee in it, and then do exactly that.

For us there is a smorgasbord of things that we do. Of which except for a limited amount of biting, none of it involves any pain at all.

If you want to add some excitement, you might consider some sex (and or having your wife flash you) in public places. Likewise golden showers, fisting, anal sex, along with the good old standby of just bending her over and having her whenever you feel like it.

As a dominance thing you might consider, giving your wife a cum facial followed by washing it off with pee. Or getting your wife to rim you, while giving you a hand job. Or you can pull her knickers down while she is standing up and give her oral sex to orgasm, before doing as you please with her.

All of those before mentioned things and much more work for my wife and I, yet pain isn't a thing for any of those activities.

Communication is important and for us consent is sometimes that is often reaffirmed more frequently with such activities. Yet we still do that without diminishing the excitement of what we share.

As to restraints be careful, what you use and how you use it, since it is best to avoid inadvertently cutting off circulation or causing fractures. Also be aware if you use ball gags, you need other ways to have safety signals for your partner if something goes wrong.

As to Fetlife, it's a broad community, which isn't perfect and isn't all things to everyone. Yet it still can be a useful resource and community even for conservative people.

My wife and I are on there, although we don't participate much. Yet it has still proven useful to some degree and would be more so, if we participated a bit more.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> No thanks to local meetups...
> 
> I was hoping to start a discussion on how bondage is included in the bedroom with other couples. How people initiate the play, what they use. Porn is not an option for us, so we don't get any queues there. It's all rather new and at the moment it feels a bit scripted or too structured (if that makes sense)?


I can tell you how it started for us. DH simply slipped a loop of rope around my wrist and looped the other side to the bed. From there discussions and more of same followed. Sometimes if felt, I guess scripted is a good word, as I (bottom) waited for him (top) to figure out what he was doing.  And sometimes it felt very natural and worked right in. Practice works.



> Ball gags, cleave gags, no gags? Rope? Silk? Tied to bed? Tied to chair? How long? Is the bondage session casual or intense? These sort of questions...


Any of all of those things are open to exploration by you, the couple engaged. The thing to make sure to remember is safety. For instance, with tying, many people start with duct tape. This is a really bad idea. It is very hard to get loose from tape. With rope, most people have safety scissors handy in case they need a quick release. They are not any old scissors. They have blunted tips so as not to accidentally hurt someone. If bottom freaks a bit, you want to be able to get them out. It comes to trust. 

Safe word is good. In our case I did regularly forget what ours was. We chose something we would not really ever be thinking of. As a result, I forgot it a lot. I actually said "alpaca" once in light distress. DH was like -- wft alpaca? I can't remember the safe word! We settled on yellow for slow your roll and red for full stop get me the f out of this. 

Regarding casual or intense. Some like it light and playful. Fuzzy cuffs. Binds that don't really hold but are kind of like dress up. I could share what is in our toolbox. (Yes, we literally have a toolbox.) But it is relevant only to us. How we feel about them and what we do with them is part of our journey. The one thing that sort of represents the fantasy for us is a collar. It is completely harmless, can't hurt anything. But it sets our minds in a certain fantasy space.

Re gags. Bear in mind that with any gag, the bottom cannot use a safe word. They are not a big thing for us. But when we use them, DH places a ball in my hand. And unbound or very loosely bound hand. So if I want to say red, I release the ball. It is heavy and solid enough to fall clearly, unlike something like a scarf that can get wrapped up in ones hand. 



> From what I have tried to research, bondage can get pretty extreme and we are not into that. Fetlife seems rather extreme for us. We are a husband and wife that want to add a bit more kink, but nothing extreme.


How extreme you are is entirely up to you. There is no prescription. Fetlife looks freaky for sure. And I am by no means recommending that you seek information there if it does not appeal to you. But it is a community of people from every walk of life. 

The number on thing to establish is trust. If it is not already there inter-personally pretty well, I, frankly, would not go to bondage. But it important for each to know their role. The top has to be trustworthy to respond to the safety rules established. Yes, some people think it would be "fun" and "push the experience" by pushing past the safety rules. Not a good plan. But the bottom has the responsibility to own their own feelings. USE the safety rules when they are needed. If top is doing something uncool, it is very uncool to let it go then blame them for it afterward. And top - don't forget aftercare. Check in, hold gently... Make sure the bottom is feeling loved and not like a sex toy themselves.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> Don't get me wrong... I am not judging anyone. I get it that everyone is different and like different things. I just think we are more into the conservative side of things. Fetlife appears to be full throttle activity with meet ups, clubs, dungeons etc. We would just never be into that kind of level. Hopefully this makes sense?


It totally makes sense. No judgment perceived at all. The thing that I did not get about the meet ups and workshops is that I thought people would show up, get naked and start whipping each other. Cracked me up the first time I was there and experienced people were demonstrating knots and answering questions to new people. All over some tea or soda. But the journey is not about making yourself uncomfortable! As you say, you and your wife want to spicy up your sex life, not dive head first into someone's dungeon!

Oh as a matter of safety, booze and bondage is not a good idea. Stay in control of your faculties.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Personal said:


> My wife doesn't like it either, yet we do other things with me being dominant/leading. So although we don't do spanking, I do tell her to open her mouth so I can pee in it, and then do exactly that.


Part of the fun of the journey is learning your partner. DH and I also enjoy the power and mind play. A good blind fold does wonders with no binding necessary at all. But if he wanted to pee in or on me, just no. No judgement Personal. Just not for me.




> For us there is a smorgasbord of things that we do. Of which except for a limited amount of biting, none of it involves any pain at all.


Yah pain does not have to be part of it At All. I am definitely not into pain for its own sake either. I was surprised to learn how few people are. I have been known, on rare occasions, when I am super hyped up, to enjoy a little pain. But DH uses his "discipline" tools as fantasy and play items for the most part. He does not hurt me.



> If you want to add some excitement, you might consider some sex (and or having your wife flash you) in public places. Likewise golden showers, fisting, anal sex, along with the good old standby of just bending her over and having her whenever you feel like it.


True dat. Many, many years ago I had to pick DH up at the airport. I wore a coat and shoes.  It was a long ride home.



> As a dominance thing you might consider, giving your wife a cum facial followed by washing it off with pee. Or getting your wife to rim you, while giving you a hand job. Or you can pull her knickers down while she is standing up and give her oral sex to orgasm, before doing as you please with her.
> 
> All of those before mentioned things and much more work for my wife and I, yet pain isn't a thing for any of those activities.


Yup. Bear in mind that some people feel degraded where pee is involved. And fantasy degradation is fine. But some people just do not like it. But that could be said of pretty much anything. So learn about each other. That is the fun anyway!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm curious what your wife's personality is like. What kinds of behaviors does she exhibit during her normal life? Inhibited? Controlling? Shy? There must be a way to identify people who might be into this kink, just based on what kind of personality they have.


If there is, I have not seen it. One of my BFF's girlfriends is a super mild mannered, almost timid person. She loves her sub space. But she is a switch and can dom with the best of them. I am ... um ... not mild mannered or timid by any stretch of the imagination and could not dominate to save my life. I just don't want it. One guy I met was a super powered exec. He liked to be owned (and hurt) by an entire room of strangers. Another dude (wanted me for a dom... nope) was so mild and gentle he was a bit scary.

DH is dom only. But he is not an aggressive person in general... So I am not sure if there is a correlation between personality and what kinks one is into.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> My wife is very confident and sure of herself. She is definitely the more dominant personality out of us two. In the bedroom, I see now that she has wanted me to take charge for some time. Like you, this never came naturally to me. After being married for so long, it just felt time to explore outside vanilla. So I took a chance and brought bondage up in conversation (via text initially) and then we talked about it. I showed her an article and she seemed keen to try some non-vanilla. Initially she had apprehensions about blindfolds and especially gags and toys. I never rush things and certainly do not force anything, so I was willing to back off. However, she saw my slight disappointment one night and then in the heat of the moment said "why not", so we did it. I always kept assuring her that I am not into degrading her or hurting her and if she didn't like bedroom bondage, then we could back off and try other things. Each time she assured me that she loved it and was very into it.
> *It is great to love someone and have this sort of sexual adventure with. *


Isn't it? I find it pretty awesome too.



> I still feel like a bit of a rookie though and I am hoping to better understand how to initiate this sort of play and what couples do.
> Maybe I am in the wrong forum to ask this? I just don't want to go to some forum where they make suggestions like choking or cages and stuff like that. I don't like torture and pain stuff.


Here is the thing. If someone suggests choking or cages, you can say to yourself Well all good then that you like that. Not for me. There is no rule book. There is no belt level. Now Pacman is a green belt. He is no longer a rookie! As long as you and your wife are enjoying, loving and learning, you are All Good.

This is the right place to discuss as long as you are not violating the terms of service and are getting what you need!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Ball Gags are a bit extreme.
Sounds like you are a novice and want to take some baby steps to get going. Get some velcro handcuffs, eye blinders, maybe a feather, and tie each other up and explore the sensations when lightly bound.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> I can tell you how it started for us. DH simply slipped a loop of rope around my wrist and looped the other side to the bed. From there discussions and more of same followed. Sometimes if felt, I guess scripted is a good word, as I (bottom) waited for him (top) to figure out what he was doing.  And sometimes it felt very natural and worked right in. Practice works.
> 
> 
> Any of all of those things are open to exploration by you, the couple engaged. The thing to make sure to remember is safety. For instance, with tying, many people start with duct tape. This is a really bad idea. It is very hard to get loose from tape. With rope, most people have safety scissors handy in case they need a quick release. They are not any old scissors. They have blunted tips so as not to accidentally hurt someone. If bottom freaks a bit, you want to be able to get them out. It comes to trust.
> ...


Thanks for sharing... Do you get into role play? I heard some talk about this. Or is it more of a relaxed slow tie up?


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> Ball Gags are a bit extreme.
> Sounds like you are a novice and want to take some baby steps to get going. Get some velcro handcuffs, eye blinders, maybe a feather, and tie each other up and explore the sensations when lightly bound.


Why do you say that ball gags are a bit extreme? I am starting to think a lot of couples use these...


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

All in all, we are good with the safety aspects and respecting part. I don't ever do stuff that she would be made to feel degraded by. I don't have that sort of desire (to make a woman feel degraded) anyway. I think I am more about wanting to be the dominant and she definitely wants me to dominate.
When she is tied up and gagged, she has no option but to relax and enjoy the sensations. If she panics or wants to stop, then we immediately stop (immediately).
I understand everyone is different and everyone does different things. I still think it would be good to see what veterans in this area typically do. Something to read up and then see what works for us.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I've been married twice, been with plenty of women and am very far from being vanilla. Yet ball gags haven't ever been a thing in any of my relationships.

That said although I am not opposed to them, I do think they look a bit silly when worn.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Bear in mind that some people feel degraded where pee is involved. And fantasy degradation is fine. But some people just do not like it.


I concur some people do feel degraded by golden showers and the like, and or enjoy degrading their partners by doing that.

Yet degradation and humiliation is not why I do it at all. For me it is about having a greater level of intimacy, through a deeper and greater level of sharing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> Thanks for sharing... Do We are you get into role play? I heard some talk about this. Or is it more of a relaxed slow tie up?


We have not gotten into role play. But I would not call it relaxed or slow tie up either. I think what we enjoy many would call "extreme".


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Pacman 2000 said:


> Why do you say that ball gags are a bit extreme? I am starting to think a lot of couples use these...


The potential for drowning in one's vomit is a potential issue. Anything that could restrict breathing or trigger a gag reflex can go terribly wrong. So I would concur that a traditional big ball gag is not a toy for beginners. But your mileage may vary.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> The potential for drowning in one's vomit is a potential issue. Anything that could restrict breathing or trigger a gag reflex can go terribly wrong. So I would concur that a traditional big ball gag is not a toy for beginners. But your mileage may vary.


I think a person would know if simply having something in ones mouth would trigger a gag reflex. I am not sure why one would throw up?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I think a person would know if simply having something in ones mouth would trigger a gag reflex. I am not sure why one would throw up?


If you have had things in your mouth lots of times, then yes you may know your own gag reflex. 



> ...The gag reflex, also known as the pharyngeal reflex or laryngeal spasm, is a contraction of the back of the throat triggered by an object touching the roof of your mouth, the back of your tongue, the area around your tonsils, or the back of your throat.
> 
> ....gag reflex. The natural urge to vomit when a large, oversized object is inserted into the throat. This is either purposefully suppressed by a person, or occurs as a side effect of having ones tonsils removed.
> 
> ...However, 10-15 percent of people have a hypersensitive gag reflex (HGR), which continues to get activated by substances in the mouth. Most often, sufferers of HGR gag while eating sticky foods that tend to get stuck in the mouth, such as bananas and mashed potatoes; in extreme cases, oversensitive gagging can cause picky eating or even malnourishment....


When someone is pushed physically and emotionally to their limits, strange things can happen. Say a panic attack where you start to try to hyperventilate and your nose gets congested or say an asthma attack. You could breath so hard you might suck the ball gag deeper in your mouth by accident and trigger a gag reflex 

Some people also can get an upset stomach or indigestion and feel and suppress a slight vomit every now and then. In stress or if a gag reflex is triggered, vomit could happen. I am not saying these things happen every day or once a week or even once a month, but even the chance of it happening would scare me. Yes my wife does have an asthma inhaler. 

A typical ball gag is usually buckled firmly in place and would take a while to remove. A lot of bad things can happen in the time it would take to unbuckle the strap while the person wearing it is thrashing around in panic. That is all I am saying.

I think that a "typical" horse style bridle bit made of a rubber or plastic material would be far superior to a ball gag. Also if the ball is very small, it might not be a big deal but most of the one's I have seen are pretty big balls. But this is just one man's opinion.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> If you have had things in your mouth lots of times, then yes you may know your own gag reflex.
> 
> 
> 
> When someone is pushed physically and emotionally to their limits, strange things can happen. Say a panic attack where you start to try to hyperventilate and your nose gets congested or say an asthma attack. You could breath so hard you might suck the ball gag deeper in your mouth by accident and trigger a gag reflex


Ah. That is why a ball in hand is recommended.



> Some people also can get an upset stomach or indigestion and feel and suppress a slight vomit every now and then.


I'll bet that makes oral fun!


ETA the bigger ball is to prevent much of what you describe.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

I think this topic might be going in a direction that we are not really into...
Our version of bedroom bondage is just tying her up for a bit of kinky fun. That's all it is for us. We aren't into pushing limits really and it's just about having fun. She loves being tied up and gagged. It just seems to add to the fun of it all and she get's to relax and enjoy the moment in a kinky way. Being tied up means that she has to relax and being gagged means that she cannot tell me what to do and the blindfold means that she cannot see what is coming next. Very erotic and fun.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking you must know there are numerous books for sale on Amazon: BDSM 101, BDSM for Beginners (bunch of these) Bondage for Dummies--? Read together, discuss. There are also BDSM fiction/erotic novels that are instructive too.


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## Pacman 2000 (Apr 11, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> I'm thinking you must know there are numerous books for sale on Amazon: BDSM 101, BDSM for Beginners (bunch of these) Bondage for Dummies--? Read together, discuss. There are also BDSM fiction/erotic novels that are instructive too.


Not really... As I said, I am quite new to all of this. I might need to look for a book then. Thanks.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Pacman 2000 said:


> I think this topic might be going in a direction that we are not really into...
> Our version of bedroom bondage is just tying her up for a bit of kinky fun. That's all it is for us. We aren't into pushing limits really and it's just about having fun. She loves being tied up and gagged. It just seems to add to the fun of it all and she get's to relax and enjoy the moment in a kinky way. Being tied up means that she has to relax and being gagged means that she cannot tell me what to do and the blindfold means that she cannot see what is coming next. Very erotic and fun.


Sounds like you have it nailed. Rock it!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Love your approach to something new and fun. Lucky you. Lucky wife!


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