# Online Dating



## EnjoliWoman

Since the old thread was locked and I have a question.

I have been single and dating for 10 years now (legally single 9 this summer but anywho...) and have tried a number of sites. I've been on match (which seemed to have more guys really looking for a LTR), I've signed up for eharmony (but didn't like there was no option for physical preference), I have a profile on ******* (meh), Zoosk and POF (ONS/horndogs primarily).

If I have been active I update my profile but since most show how long someone has been a member, and since match is my original site, it would show I've been a member for 9 years or so. Should I delete my username and create a fresh profile? Does that make me look like a sad old cat lady? Generally I'll look for a bit, see several I'm interested in, be a paid member for 3 months during which time I go through most of my best matches and take a breather. Sometimes it's because I've started seeing someone, other times there's something going on in my life I didn't want to involve anyone else in (i.e. custody stuff). What would you guys think of a woman who has been on a dating site that long? They are too picky or they have Photoshopped their pictures and really are a fat ugly cow? 

Curious since I'm considering signing back up in a few months.


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## Jellybeans

I say create a new one if you want! New beginnings!


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## nice777guy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Since the old thread was locked and I have a question.
> 
> I have been single and dating for 10 years now (legally single 9 this summer but anywho...) and have tried a number of sites. I've been on match (which seemed to have more guys really looking for a LTR), I've signed up for eharmony (but didn't like there was no option for physical preference), I have a profile on ******* (meh), Zoosk and POF (ONS/horndogs primarily).
> 
> If I have been active I update my profile but since most show how long someone has been a member, and since match is my original site, it would show I've been a member for 9 years or so. Should I delete my username and create a fresh profile? Does that make me look like a sad old cat lady? Generally I'll look for a bit, see several I'm interested in, be a paid member for 3 months during which time I go through most of my best matches and take a breather. Sometimes it's because I've started seeing someone, other times there's something going on in my life I didn't want to involve anyone else in (i.e. custody stuff). What would you guys think of a woman who has been on a dating site that long? They are too picky or they have Photoshopped their pictures and really are a fat ugly cow?
> 
> Curious since I'm considering signing back up in a few months.


I think I would wonder why someone had been on a dating site for 9 years - I might assume they were too picky. But it wouldn't stop me from reaching out to them if their profile was interesting.

And picky isn't necessarily a bad thing. Can mean that you haven't felt the need to rush into something - which I think shows confidence / independence.


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## Married but Happy

I don't recall if match shows how long you've been a member, but I think it's a good idea to start fresh if you can. If your profile is going to be very similar, make a copy first so you can copy/paste into the new one.


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## COGypsy

Just start fresh. In fact, I'd probably ditch the old version all together and draft everything new instead of trying to edit.

Spring cleaning!


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## 3Xnocharm

I just looked at a profile, and didnt see anything that said how long they have been a member.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Keep it fresh.

In your profile you can say how long you've been single, state why (i.e. focusing on career, on yourself, on raising children) and whether you've had any ltr during that period and how long since parted ways. What is is you've loved about being single. 

You could also mention what you're looking for and if you are turning a corner (or rounding a bend) in your life and are looking forward to (what?) And what you look forward to when you find a/your match.


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## Cooper

Your approach sounds like mine, on and off. Personally I never pay attention to how long someone has been on the sites, anyone who frequents a specific site is going to be use to seeing your picture anyway so why create a totally new profile. What I would do is keep updating your pictures and maybe refreshing your profile to better reflect your current life.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm interesting. Glad it doesn't seem to be a huge turnoff. Although a "spring cleaning" approach might be nice. I don't feel like I need to make excuses for being single so long - I just don't want it to be perceived negatively. I like HNU's idea to reference what I've been doing all of these years.


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## unsure78

yea but if you sort it by newest ( i think) you will come up at the bottom of the pile


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## 3Xnocharm

unsure78 said:


> yea but if you sort it by newest ( i think) you will come up at the bottom of the pile


Hmm..I know if you update any little thing on your profile, it seems to toss you to the front of the queue or something, lol! I have noticed if I change anything that suddenly I get noticed!


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## unsure78

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmm..I know if you update any little thing on your profile, it seems to toss you to the front of the queue or something, lol! I have noticed if I change anything that suddenly I get noticed!


interesting.. yes you are right when i updated something tiny i all of a sudden was inundated


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## RandomDude

Dating sites suck, meetup.com is decent, but RL random encounters is how I seem to be excelling recently in the sheer quantity of dates... plus the train!

Funny really, I go on the train not to save petrol but to pick up lol


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## EnjoliWoman

No trains in suburbia. In fact around here most shy from public transportation which is perceived as dirty and for people who can't afford cars and/or hipsters which are too young. Meetups that I'm interested in tend to meet mid-week when I can't. I've only been to a few meetups and they were huge disappointments.

Which leaves age-appropriate bars (ug) and general stores/outings. And that doesn't seem to work for me.


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## RandomDude

Ah, where I live taking the train to work is expected due to the insane parking prices / rush hour traffic. As owner I don't have that problem but many professionals especially those in the CBD do!

As for meetup.com you just have to find a good big group, many smaller groups are poorly organised / lack of options.


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## COguy

You don't need to explain anything...

Live your life.

It's only a negative if you make it one.... "I've been single soooo loonnngggg, I know it sounds lame. I'm so sorry!"

You've been a mom, you've been doing your thing. If someone thinks that's weird then it's their problem.


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## Wolf1974

I have tried all the sites you mentioned and I have actually had the best luck on POF..... even over match. Just found women a bit to into themselves on that site I guess.

Anyway I admit that I do look at the date in which someone joined and if it's been years then I wonder if they maybe are just too picky or just into dating for a good time. I don't see anything wrong with totally starting from scratch and having a new profile and new pictures. 

Also don't be afraid to email guys you're interested in. It can help cut out some of the players and tells a guy upfront that you're interested and serious.


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## zillard

I found my X on a dating site. None of the big ones. Back before many of them were around. I clicked on a sidebar at the Onion when it first came about and assumed it was limited to their satire site. She did the same on some quasi-feminist site. 

Regardless, it didn't have all the personality match algorithms and what not that you see today. And it worked out very well. WE just didn't, ten years later (due to us, not the dating site). 

After the D, I took another stab at online dating and had similar experiences to yours. POF was full of ****s and douche bags. ******* was a little better, but I was instantly bombarded with offers for ONS. 

The accounts at these and others that paid for a membership resulted in higher quality people. We don't usually pay for something if it holds little value. 

All of the big sites are very popular though, now. There certainly is a bit of marketing that is necessary to get quality responses. I don't necessarily see your 9 year thing as a turnoff, but being somewhat open in your profile to explain that would go a long way. 

9 years dating on the internet? 9 years of ONS? 9 years of BS lies in your profile? 9 years of not being ready? Sure, that will pop into my head. IF nothing in your profile suggests there is a reason for that. Children are a huge, very valid reason, and can be very respectable IMO. And would also go a long way toward weeding out the freaky deakies. 

As a single dad I was much more interested in the women in my age range that had kids. You don't have to use your kids to sell yourself; like having half your profile pics of them (weird). But mentioning something about time commitments, etc, shows healthy boundaries and good values. For a single dad with the same, that's an invaluable plus.


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## EnjoliWoman

Thanks CoGuy and Z. I get that I don't need to "explain" as the right, open-minded person would ask questions and not assume anything; on the other hand I see how I can say that life has been full and I have been busy doing things with friends, advancing my career, raising my daughter, spending time on her sport and my hobbies, with a couple of relationships sprinkled in there and before long it's been 10 years. 

That demonstrates I do date, not preoccupied with it, have a life and keep busy. Might be the way to go - it's true and makes no excuses for being single so long. And I have accomplished a lot personally, professionally and had fun along the way.


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## Media_girl24

I have been in a relationship off and on for the past two years... finally broke up for good in January, as he wanted to take it to the next level and I knew that I didn't have the right feelings for that. I waited a few months, and wrote out a very lengthy, but very honest profile. I was very specific about what I'm looking for, and even mentioned a few things that I knew would scare off the guys that weren't right... like the fact that I have a special needs child. I put it on Match.com and received an email the very first day from a man I have so much in common with its frightening. We are taking it slow, but its been a long time since a relationship felt this right. It was also his first day on Match!

POF has always felt super-slimy to me...hook-up city. ******* is okay. But right now, I have to give Match.com my top vote. I do think you tend to meet more of the educated, professional types on a paid site (if that's what you are looking for.)


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## Fenix

Well, all I can say is I love Match. 

I probably undersold myself and was honest, as well as fairly brief and not flashy. I had several dates, all of which were fun, but friendzoned them. Then, I met someone with a similar background to mine, on the same path timewise, and a polar opposite of my ex. Three months later, and we are still going strong and having a ton of fun. 

In my limited experience, paid is better.


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## Brokenman85

At my age, 28, I think they're ALL a joke. I don't think it's the proper way to meet a quality woman.


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## Fenix

Brokenman85 said:


> At my age, 28, I think they're ALL a joke. I don't think it's the proper way to meet a quality woman.


At first, I kind of snorted when I read your response. However, thinking on it, you are probably right. Maybe it is too hook up oriented for what you want (at that age)? When life gets in the way, you have kids and limited time, online dating may be more attractive.


Though I have to say, your usage of 'proper' and 'quality' does sound a bit uptight!


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## Brokenman85

Fenix said:


> At first, I kind of snorted when I read your response. However, thinking on it, you are probably right. Maybe it is too hook up oriented for what you want (at that age)? When life gets in the way, you have kids and limited time, online dating may be more attractive.
> 
> 
> Though I have to say, your usage of 'proper' and 'quality' does sound a bit uptight!


I'm not saying you _can't _meet a good woman online, it's just that there are so few it's exhausting. Plus men FAR outnumber woman online, so you have this situation where women start to be waaaay too picky and it feeds their ego into thinking they shouldn't settle for anyone who isn't "perfect". Online dating is nothing more than a numbers game and the numbers just don't favor men. Now this may be different for the slightly older crowd, but this is the reality for ages 20-30.


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## lenzi

COguy said:


> You don't need to explain anything...
> 
> Live your life.
> 
> It's only a negative if you make it one.... "I've been single soooo loonnngggg, I know it sounds lame. I'm so sorry!"
> 
> You've been a mom, you've been doing your thing. If someone thinks that's weird then it's their problem.


If you want good results, you need to put your best foot forward.

9 years on a dating site is going to raise questions and may very well cause prospective dating partners to click on the next profile and not look back.


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## Fenix

Brokenman85 said:


> I'm not saying you _can't _meet a good woman online, it's just that there are so few it's exhausting. Plus men FAR outnumber woman online, so you have this situation where woman start to be waaaay too picky and it feeds their ego into thinking they shouldn't settle for anyone who isn't "perfect". Online dating is nothing more than a numbers game and the numbers just don't favor men. Now this may be different for the slightly older crowd, but this is the reality for ages 20-30.


Oh, I believe you.  I was just teasing you a little bit.


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## caladan

Brokenman85 said:


> I'm not saying you _can't _meet a good woman online, it's just that there are so few it's exhausting. Plus men FAR outnumber woman online, so you have this situation where woman start to be waaaay too picky and it feeds their ego into thinking they shouldn't settle for anyone who isn't "perfect". Online dating is nothing more than a numbers game and the numbers just don't favor men. Now this may be different for the slightly older crowd, but this is the reality for ages 20-30.


I'm not sure I totally agree with you here. "Far outnumber"? Define "far" in this context.

I did some work on a dating site some time ago - statistics stuff. Now there's a possibility that people open multiple accounts and all that, but based purely on the numbers and gender identification, I'd say it was closer to 50-50, and leaning towards a higher number of women.

What we did discover is that up to 70% of women tend to like say -10% of men based on looks and that sort of thing (the 10% number here is an approximation, it was closer to 11%-ish). 

Bottom line - it's real life all over again. 10% of the guys cut a swathe through 60% of women, who then blame all 100% of guys for being players.

There are loads of good women online. Loads. There are also loads of disturbed and troublesome people. The online world is exactly like the normal world, the difference being that dating sites are able to aggregate more single and available people than a bar/wedding/coffee shop/"social meeting place of choice" could ever aggregate at one point and position.

You're much more likely, in terms of pure numbers, to meet good women online than in real life. But as with real life, you're also going to need to contend with their expectations and realities.


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## doubletrouble

My take on it -- If I saw someone was on there for nine years, I'd figure they weren't sincere. I believe 25% of what people post on their profiles, maybe less. Regardless of what site you're on. 

So nine years and still looking, I would think the gal is just hooking up now and then, or isn't LTR material for some reason. There are lots more to look at/contact, why try to decipher it? 

I konw that's not you, OP, but that's why you're asking the question. So there's one man's opinion. 

Caveat, I've never met anyone LTR online. It's always been IRL.


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## caladan

doubletrouble said:


> My take on it -- If I saw someone was on there for nine years, I'd figure they weren't sincere. I believe 25% of what people post on their profiles, maybe less. Regardless of what site you're on.
> 
> So nine years and still looking, I would think the gal is just hooking up now and then, or isn't LTR material for some reason. There are lots more to look at/contact, why try to decipher it?
> 
> I konw that's not you, OP, but that's why you're asking the question. So there's one man's opinion.
> 
> Caveat, I've never met anyone LTR online. It's always been IRL.


I was married for 7 years. Met her online. 

In fact - I don't think I've been with anyone that I didn't meet online for the past 10 years or so. 


I have an ******* account I opened when me and the ex first broke up (we reconciled afterwards). I still use it. I disable it when I'm not in the market, then re-enable if I'm available. According to it, I've been signed up for at least 5 years. It's not a thing. 

PS - I have no idea if ******* actually does show how long a person has been a member, but I know you can use it to limit searches.


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## EnjoliWoman

I think when I feel it's time, I will create a new user name and use a different main photo - after all that should be updated anyway. My profile may not truly represent who I am now compared to who I was when I last updated it and I wouldn't want anyone to look at first glance and remember they'd seen that one in their searches over and over. (Note to self: take down profile when inactive LOL)

I don't have to make apologies for being single so long and once they get to know me just a little they'll know there were long stretches where I didn't date, a few times I dated several until I found something worth perusing but over all dating wasn't a high priority.

When kiddo has started college and/or has a job of her own after school, etc. then I can do more weeknight meet ups, etc. as well.


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## indiecat

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you enjoy going out and meeting new guys why not have fun and go for it! 

You don't have to get serious with anyone unless you want to.


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## guyinmd

Brokenman85 said:


> At my age, 28, I think they're ALL a joke. I don't think it's the proper way to meet a quality woman.


28 and no kids? I can see that. Try being 43, kids 50% of the time. Training for triathlons. And two years out of a 20+ year relationship/15 year marriage. The few times I went to clubs to "meet" women...can you say "fish out of water"? I didn't have "bad game", I was in the wrong league. Online works fine for me. Plenty of first dates, and three relationships in two years: 2 STRs and 1 LTR. Oh, and I've bedded two women from organic meetings, too. One came up to me at a dunkin donuts and the other at a bar. 

I wouldn't have done online in my twenties either.


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