# Is it my fault? really, it could be.



## MJF527 (Mar 29, 2010)

I found out today that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a week ago. Where do I start? Well I must say we have been through alot in our 3 short years together, and have grown to deeply love each other. Is this enough? Probably not. Because I am in class every day, and have a son (not his), we see each other acouple times a week (usually stay together on the weekends and see each other some during the week). This is embarrassing, but yes he cheated on me. Tuesday night, he was at a friends house and got very drunk (so he says) and slept with his friends sister. How to i cope with this? Most of all, i convinced myself that the only way i can process the information and try to cope with it is if i knew EVERYTHING about what happened that night. He proceeded to tell me that they really didn't say much the whole night, he was really drunk and she started throwing herself at him (which is not much of a surprise because she craves attention from anything with a penis) not to be rude, but...she gets around. Basically to cut to the point they had sex, on his friends couch. It makes me sick typing the words let alone thinking about it. What hurts, besides the obvious, is that I have always been cheated on by guys, and i have found that it was my choice in men that was the problem. However he was the first i put the most trust into, shared the most love with, spent the most time with, and actually looked towards a future with. I sit here and think to myself, could it have been me this time? Is it my fault? Of course peoples first reaction is NO. But I have read that men cheat when they feel that they are unsatisfied sexually. I am overweight, and selfconscious about some things. For example, during sex i do not like to be on top because i feel vulnerable, and fat. When he cheated on me, she was on top. A pleasure that i do not fulfill, and a pleasure that i know he enjoys. So i must ask myself...is this my fault? Perhaps if i would have done more than i already do to please him, it wouldn't have happened. He says it meant nothing, he says she means nothing, he said it was "a piece of ass, something different, and a huge huge mistake". So what if i believe him. What if he is telling the whole truth. What makes him not do it again? Should i accept the pain of losing him all together and just say goodbye? Would i find someone better, that treats me better, that makes me happier, that i really could spend my life with? Do i want to worry the rest of my life about things like this? Can i ever get over what has happened? Can I ever erase the images from my mind of him having sex with her? I do not believe that he was completely plastered because he remembers many things, and yet insists that it was a mistake. So why do it in the first place? Sure he has been going down a rougher path lately, has lost his job, and has me to ***** at him about his irresponsible behavior. Was that it? Did i cause this to happen? Is he not ready for what im ready for? I need help. I need help. He makes many mistakes that i have put up with, got through with him, stood by his side, and cared, but this mistake tops the cake. What now? Are my deep unsaid fears of being alone keeping me with him? Am i settling for being with a man who does this to me because im afraid im not enough for anyone else to want? What i do know is that yes he does love me, and that I do have alot to offer someone, but what do i do now? Thanks for caring.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

RWB said:


> Boyfriend of 3 years.
> 
> Not to sound short but a boyfriend is just that. You may feel that it means a commitment but there is no legal contract. That is what marriage is, a State with Law Contract, Binding and addressable in a court of LAW. A Boyfriend has no legal right to abide by anything. Be glad that you can leave this loose agreement now without having to deal with implications.


I think it's terribly dismissive to say that just because there's less legal hassle to leave a boyfriend, that it's somehow less serious or less painful. What about couples who CAN'T get married, is it less painful or difficult when one of them cheats?

I think the OP knows best how strong the relationship is and whether it's worth working on. It sounds like she needs some individual therapy to deal with self esteem issues, and they need couples therapy to address any other issues that led to the infidelity. If they are willing to do that as boyfriend and girlfriend of 3 years, I would say that's a good indication, because either one COULD simply cut and run but they are choosing not to. Some people don't take their legally binding marriages as seriously as that.


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