# Am I justified ....I feel like I am going crazy!



## wymamma4 (Aug 10, 2012)

Hello I am new here! I have been married to my husband for 3 years, however we have been together 6 years. I had 3 young children from a previous marriage and my husband had 2 teenage sons from a previous marriage. He is also 13 years older than me. After dating for a very short period of time, (we knew each other a long time before we started dating.) he moved into my house with his 2 sons. Shortly after he proposed to me I became pregnant with our daughter. 

In the those early days (the first 2 1/2 years) things between us were great.....his 2 teenage sons caused some problems and those were trying times. They still interfere somewhat because they are both in their 20's without jobs, money etc......but they finally moved out. 

Anyhow, my husband was self employed and had his own drywall company for many years until almost 3 years ago when the recession started to hit us and he decided to make a career change and go to work in the oil fields with my dad and brother. He got a great job with a really big company and he left to work a 2 on 1 off 750 miles away. Since he has been in the oil filed our relationship has changed drastically and I feel he is a completly different person. 

1. We have never shared a bank account, I work as well but I bring home only $1500 a month. I do not even know how much his checks are a month, he pays some of the bigger bills and I pay about $800 a month in bills, groceries, and fuel. I very rarely have any money left over for any kind of extras! So when I do have to ask him for money he *****es and it turns into this HUGE thing. I am home with 4 kids to take care of and no access to any money but my own, if I do need it he has to send it to me. i am made to feel guilty and told it is my fault we havent been able to buy a house, and he has no money saved. But yet he is putting 13% of his check into his 401k and has NOT filed taxes in 3 years ......I have filed sepratley because I do not want to be responsible for his taxes!! He says all the time we need to be partners and work together but yet he insists on keeping everything seperate! 

2. He has become very insecure and jealous. He gets upset when he calls and I am busy.......because heaven forbid I have 4 kids and work full time as single parent!!! He gets jealous if I do something with my girl friends when he is gone or when he is home. He is NEVER happy every time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it into an argument and he HAS to be right. Finally I just stop talking to him. It is like walking on egg shells. We have almost stopped being intimate other than maybe the first day he is home. He says he is feeling neglected but it is hard to love someone that is miserable all the time!!! I love the person he was before but this new person sucks!! When he does come home he sits in front of the TV he doesnt help around the house, if I ask him to do anything he gets upset. Whenever he talks to the kids he is arguing with them and he acts like a 2 year old. I swear he tries to pick arguments with my 12 year old son. 
I am sorry if this is hard to understand I am just so frusterated and confused!!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know your husband so I don't know if you are justified in being frustrated or not. 

However, I will say that long-distance marriages don't work. I never understand why people think this is acceptable. Find him a new job closer to home.


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## wymamma4 (Aug 10, 2012)

I have asked and begged and pleaded that he come home....he refuses and asks if I am going to pay the bills so he can sit around. I dont know I am beating my head against a wall.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

wymamma4 said:


> I have asked and begged and pleaded that he come home....he refuses and asks if I am going to pay the bills so he can sit around. I dont know I am beating my head against a wall.


Can you move to where he is? Is that an option?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What do you want out of marriage? Are you getting that with your husband? You can't change him but you can change YOU and define boundaries for yourself.

Explain what you need. First of all, a husband who lives with you would be a good start. A husband who helps out with the kids. A husband who supports you and respects you as his partner. Someone who takes care of his responsibilities like paying his taxes (just because you file separately doesn't mean you won't be stuck with his liabilities).

If he is unwilling to give you what you need, then you have to figure out whether you want to stay in this marriage. Is he willing to try counseling? Although again, that would require that he live near you.


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## wymamma4 (Aug 10, 2012)

No he is in a big "boom" town where there is literally NO housing...that was our plan when he took this job 3 years ago.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I find that people become jealous when their own behavior is fishy. They also become jealous because they feel inadequate. He may feel this way, it sounds like he does. Try being really really overly patient and sweet. If that doesn't work then he has issues he needs to work on that don't even involve you (but of course you can be his support system)


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