# Boring Sex! Help!



## pineapple0805 (May 7, 2018)

I need help! Our sex life is SO BORING and I'm going crazy! 

This is our sex schedule - only on Sunday, and due to some issues it's about every other Sunday. Always missionary. No foreplay. Lasts about 2.5 minutes. Done. He hasn't gone down on me in 6 YEARS and I haven't gone down on him in probably 3, because why would I when he doesn't return the favor?!

When we first met we had sex multiple times a day every time we saw each other and we did all of the other fun stuff, but of course that doesn't last. And I know that is normal, but how is it possible that things are so bad now when I know we are capable of so much more? Our relationship basically started with sexting each other, and now I can't even get a single text like that out of him. I don't know what to do. We have talked about it and he promises change, but nothing has ever happened. I have tried initiating other times during the week and I get pushed away. I have bought lingerie and it works to get him going, but still no foreplay, still missionary, and still lasts only a couple of minutes. I have asked him to let me know when he's close so that we can switch positions but he never does, I have asked for more foreplay and it never happens, I have tried withholding (which I know is a bad idea) until we can make a change but he doesn't seem to care when I do that. 

I'm an independent person and I completely understand that you can't get everything you need from one person, but this is the one area that I can't get from someone/something else, it has to come from him and he is letting me down in a huge way. I'm a sexual person and I crave so much more, and I feel as though I'm wasting my best years with bad sex (I'm in my early 30's).

How do I fix this?!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think this is an important piece of your own puzzle for the vets that can help here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/420529-not-sure-what-do.html

I believe what you detailed in that post is contributing a done to the issues in your sex life. Those need to be addressed even before the sex issues.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sex takes work.

now i know that might seem counter-intuitive because i can already hear some people insisting "no, it shouldn't! sex is always good!"
while that may be true in some cases, i think mostly it isn't.

what do i mean? i mean that after a few months, or years, sex can become routine. not only that, but our eyes wear out for the ones we love.
same 'old' sex partner. same stuff, over and over. what we once thought was beautiful and irresistible becomes not so much.
we glance at other potential partners in our head and conjure sexual thoughts about them.

now don't get me wrong. marriage is a beautiful thing, and love making with our spouse is a beautiful thing (should be).
but like marriage, it takes work. often, you must put aside your selfishness and work at it. not in the mood? well, think again and try to accommodate.
things didn't go that great the last time? put it aside and try again. wife(hubby) doesn't quite turn you on like she did before, or once did?
tough. you shouldn't have said 'i do', if you weren't ready for regular, forever sex.
the upside of all this downer stuff is that, if you do put in the work, and you do love your spouse regularly and in spite of your own feeling sometimes,
you will surely enhance your marriage and experience REAL love, and the actualization of what marriage really is.

this is where your husband is lacking. he's not ready to put in the work. he needs his butt kicked (proverbially and maybe even for real).
i would suggest a counselor, rabbi, guru, priest, whomever, who is trusted and tough and who will call him out on his bull crap and knock some sense into him.


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## pineapple0805 (May 7, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I think this is an important piece of your own puzzle for the vets that can help here.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/420529-not-sure-what-do.html
> 
> I believe what you detailed in that post is contributing a done to the issues in your sex life. Those need to be addressed even before the sex issues.


Totally agree, but the boring sex came before the health issues.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

pineapple0805 said:


> Totally agree, but the boring sex came before the health issues.


If you settle for less you get less.


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

It sounds like there is some deeper issue going on that is causing a problem in your sex life. Have you guys considered going to a couples therapist to hash this out? I say this not just because I am one (full disclosure!) but because in my experience as such I have seen a lot of things that can lurk under the surface that can lead to sexual problems, quite apart from the sex itself. Worth exploring.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

pineapple0805 said:


> I need help! Our sex life is SO BORING and I'm going crazy!
> 
> This is our sex schedule - only on Sunday, and due to some issues it's about every other Sunday. Always missionary. No foreplay. Lasts about 2.5 minutes. Done. He hasn't gone down on me in 6 YEARS and I haven't gone down on him in probably 3, because why would I when he doesn't return the favor?!
> 
> ...



Ugh... This could be my wife and I except the roles are reversed. She is very low drive (sex drive roughly about nun level) and I'm on the normal/high level.

When I read posts like this written by women, I get so sad because I just don't understand how a loving husband can take his wife for granted like this. Is he overweight? Are you absolutely sure that he is not having an affair?


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> This kind of thing usually doesn't change. You should consider divorce or an open marriage. Sure give counseling a try but keep your expectations of change in him from that reasonable.


Disagree. Sexual problems in a marriage can definitely change, especially when the partners put some concerted effort into it. Posting on an online forum probably isn't enough, though. :grin2:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

pineapple0805 said:


> I need help! Our sex life is SO BORING and I'm going crazy!
> 
> This is our sex schedule - only on Sunday, and due to some issues it's about every other Sunday. Always missionary. No foreplay. Lasts about 2.5 minutes. Done. He hasn't gone down on me in 6 YEARS and I haven't gone down on him in probably 3, because *why would I when he doesn't return the favor?!*
> 
> ...


How do you fix it? First understand that you can't change your husband only he can change himself. You can change yourself and how you act around him. That can create either problems or benefits, as you probably understand, but haven't focused on.

First, count your blessings. in 46+ years of marriage my wife has never given me a BJ or allowed me to go down on her. She will not wear anything sexy to bed. We have two sexual positions, missionary and cowgirl, with nothing else. Our sex life dwindled to nothing and I found myself in a sex starved marriage.

I thought I had married an "ice queen" but it turned out that by changing myself and making her feel more loved and cherished and by getting marriage counseling help from a sex therapist we now have a sex life I can live with and stay married. It is still just missionary and cowgirl, but she has learned to do those well and enthusiastically ......so they are satisfying. The key for me was making my wife feel more loved and cherished and making myself feel less codependent on her.

I would suspect that if you felt more loved, that he was more enthusiastic, and that you got really great after care you might be in a better mood. First, it is good you have spoken up to him about your needs. But have you done it in a way that makes him feel good or ashamed?

"honey, I love the heck out of you and sometimes I get so horny, I just want to tie you up, strip you naked, and jump your bones!" Honey, I have heard that the best sex is playful and exploratory......can we play together some weekend morning? Honey I really love you can we try to relive some of the playful things we did when were were first dating and first married?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Raffi said:


> Disagree. Sexual problems in a marriage can definitely change, especially when the partners put some concerted effort into it. Posting on an online forum probably isn't enough, though. :grin2:


In my experience, yes, sex can change. What _does not_ usually change is basic character, which is why truly lasting change on issues linked to character traits is so rare. If the OP's husband is indeed selfish, the fundamental fact of that is unlikely to change. The sex may change, at least temporarily, but the selfishness that's led them here probably won't. Which may make a lasting improvement somewhat improbable.

Now, if their sexual problems are not related to selfishness but rather to a dysfunctional dynamic, then improving the relationship overall is much more likely to result in lasting improvements.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you been able to talk to him about it?

Overall though it sounds like he is just a selfish lover. That is really difficult to fix. 

I've n ever understood that attitude - I mean how can anyone's ego tolerate the idea that their partner thinks that they are bad in bed???


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Overall though it sounds like he is just a selfish lover. That is really difficult to fix.


I believe you can make changes here, but you will need to find out why he does things the way he does. If the ultimate answer is "because I don't care about you," then you might have an unsolvable problem.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I do not know what is normal. Perhaps normal is garbage, anyway.

But it’s not inevitable that your sex life becomes boring. I know my sex life didn’t. Married at 19 and still having great sex practically every day until we slowed down some in our senior years.

Don’t accept it as normal if you don’t want it. The act of acceptance is, perhaps, one of your worst enemies.

Fight hard for what you want.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Take more of an active role in the bedroom. Instead of waiting for him to do something you like, take the lead. Have him lay down, go down on him, then swing around on top of him and move into the 69 position. If he doesn't start using the tongue then grind against his mouth.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

pineapple0805 said:


> I need help! Our sex life is SO BORING and I'm going crazy!
> 
> This is our sex schedule - only on Sunday, and due to some issues it's about every other Sunday. Always missionary. No foreplay. Lasts about 2.5 minutes. Done. He hasn't gone down on me in 6 YEARS and I haven't gone down on him in probably 3, because why would I when he doesn't return the favor?!
> 
> ...


Why on EARTH do you continue to stay with someone whose shown you over and over and over and over and over how completely disengaged he is from you and seems to enjoy degrading and devaluing you?

He uses you for a damned sperm receptical every two weeks - well at least, ONE of you is at least getting something out of it. The other is just left to clean up the mess.

You ARE wasting your best years on someone who couldn't be any LESS disengaged from you if he tried..

And therapy isn't the magic cure all for everything that ails you, regardless of those who think it is.

I'd be SO gone.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Actually, in her original thread, she said her hubby has stomach issues. So maybe, if his health is improved they can work on their intimate relationship.

But it seems that OP's marriage is beaking down due to her husbands illness and his inability to improve his condition.


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

This plays out in the reverse in most marriages. There is very little hope of fundamental change in my experience. You have to accept that you are the one who is in love.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman talks about how we show/want love. My top two are Physical Touch and Quality Time. My XH were Acts of Service and whatever, but my bf's of 8 months match mine. I've never had so much sex in my life. But more than that, he just touches me a lot, which I absolutely love. When me & the XH read that book, it dawned on him that's why I always was sitting on top of him. He would try to do everything for me and I couldn't appreciate it enough cuz I just wanted to hang out. It was a disconnect. I held out for 27 years but I could've used a lot more sex in that time.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

While I think his health issues could be a contributor to this I think he needs a wake up call. I think you just need to tell him you can't go the rest of your life with BAD sex. You have communicated your needs and got nothing. 

You could try talking some more and continue working on his health issues, have you seen a nutritionist I had bad stomach issues a couple years ago which I solved by changing my diet around after having no success with docs. I went very plant heavy very little to no red meat, no dairy, no sugar, no processed food. TB12 Method. 

But if he continues to show no interest in your needs do the following. When your having sex keep whispering to him that you need to get off (with whatever words you choose) Then sometime around 1:45 before he finishes roll over grab a sex toy and finish your self off, get up and go to the bathroom. Let him be the one to experience the frustration. He might want to talk then. I know this is agressive but I have zero tolerance for guys who don't take care of the girl. If he still shows no care for your pleasure you might need to make a decision about the future. I could never imagine allowing my wife to be unhappy with our sex life.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I agree with HappyH. Let him get started on is Sunday morning routine and not only tell him you need to get off but, "You need to get off" (like, I'm dry, you need to get off) Than do the Hitachi Magic Wand thing. The most frustrating and useless thing you can do is talk to your spouse about continued dissatisfaction with the love life he/she provides. If they were interested in addressing your need, they'd fixed the problem the first time you mentioned it. All the more you're doing by talking and trying to train him is taking responsibility for his feckless attitude. If he really gave a crap he'd be focused on your satisfaction. My attitude is if the woman ain't happy, I ain't happy.


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