# Reconciliation and Entitlement



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I thought the TAM community would find this article interesting:

Reconciliation and Entitlement

Hope you find it helpful.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

WELL written article. A quote:

_"The biggest, most humungous entitlement I see after discovery is that cheaters feel entitled to reconciliation, period. They think they deserve all the time they want to come out of the “fog.” To answer your questions. To read a book, or schedule a shrink appointment. They feel grossly entitled to a chump’s patience.

Moreover, they feel entitled to all the marital perks they enjoyed before discovery of their affairs. Comfort and validation from the chump. Sex. Housework. Income.

Humility is much harder. Humility means that it’s not all about you. It means you manage your expectations of any reward. Humility accepts consequences and lets go of outcomes. Humility does not try to control the narrative or protect its image.

Humility is painful. It wrestles with shame. Humility recognizes that regaining trust is a long, slow process that may end, despite their best efforts. Humility works hard without pay. Humility is forthcoming. Humility doesn’t keep secrets.

Most chumps who desire reconciliation accept that transforming entitlement into humility is a process. And so, after being betrayed, wrestling with their own enormous grief, chumps accept yet MORE humility and eat **** sandwiches waiting for their cheaters to catch up on this humility thing.

That makes me mad. All the false starts and failures at no contact. Cheaters “grieving” the affair partner, staring blankly at questions and “not remembering.”"
_
As for me, I don't believe in the "fog". To me, it's essentially an excuse for their adrenaline during their wild times.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Another great quote from that website that is so very very true:

_Why do cheaters cheat? Because they CAN. It’s that simple. Do you need more of an answer? Okay. Because of greediness. Because of narcissism. Because of a lack of empathy for others affected by their **** decisions. Because they value ego kibbles more than they value your well-being. But the reasons simply boil down to — greed, opportunity, and not caring._


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

We have a few people here who defend betrayers and betraying. I'd like to know how they feel about the article...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

That is one of the first articles I actually really relate to and believe that I have seen on cheaters. It is very close to my point of view.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I thought the TAM community would find this article interesting:
> 
> Reconciliation and Entitlement
> 
> Hope you find it helpful.


Chump Lady always had great insight.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey, Middleman -- "had"? I'm still around. ;-)

Thanks for the link to the article. I appreciate the kind words.

I don't think anything I have written should offend a cheater who is truly contrite and going the hard work.

It's just that chumps often so very want to mistake regret and half assedness for hard work. Not blaming chumps (I am one), it's just that hope is hard to kick. And when you're vulnerable, you're more easily manipulated.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Hey, Middleman -- "had"? I'm still around. ;-)
> 
> Thanks for the link to the article. I appreciate the kind words.
> 
> ...


And this is why I recommend a period of separation after a betrayal. Let things simmer down, place things in better perspective, no pressure or manipulating... Then decide if one wants to try and reconcile.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Hey, Middleman -- "had"? I'm still around. ;-)
> 
> Thanks for the link to the article. I appreciate the kind words.
> 
> ...


Hey CL, I posted the article because I thought it was well done and realisitc.. I also thought it could hep TAM members and spark discussion.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I suscrive every single letter of this blog. As usual she nailed it.
chumplady knows and this is, I just posted it in her blog, one of her most insightful blogs so far.
I'm going to quote the most honest piece she wrote, specially because it shows how a massively betrayed and deeply wounded person, while sceptical, still have hope in the human being.


> I’m still a chump, because I still believe those things. I do think people change.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

So far, I haven't picked up on a sense of entitlement from my husband. I guess it could be there and I'm just not aware of it. He's never made me think I owe him anything. He seems thankful and even surprised that I would still want to be married to him. He even sent me a text in middle of night the other night that said "thank you for not judging me".


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Hey, Middleman -- "had"? I'm still around. ;-)
> 
> Thanks for the link to the article. I appreciate the kind words.
> 
> ...


For reals? You are "The Chumplady". Wow! Love your website! To me you are like that wise friend who's not afraid to slap sense into you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

mablenc said:


> For reals? You are "The Chumplady". Wow! Love your website! To me you are like that wise friend who's not afraid to slap sense into you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I love her approach.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I agree with the view, however almost daily we have chatting spouses who come to tam asking for help in weaseling out of facing the consequences of their choice to cheat, and a bunch of poster who call anyone who calls them on their entitled selfish attitude -as being bitter.

It's not the we are bitter, it's that we are educated enough to not be taken in by more lies from the WS.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I agree with the view, however almost daily we have chatting spouses who come to tam asking for help in weaseling out of facing the consequences of their choice to cheat, and a bunch of poster who call anyone who calls them on their entitled selfish attitude -as being bitter.
> 
> It's not the we are bitter, it's that we are educated enough to not be taken in by more lies from the WS.


Sometimes the truth hurts...which is why people attack the messenger..so long as it is done in a constructive way and not just an ad hominem attack - the WSs need to realize what they did will have consequences for the rest of their lives


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