# Cancer & No Sex: A Reason to Leave?



## Falcon1919 (Apr 15, 2012)

I've been married for 10 years and most of it has been unhappy. Long story short, I married someone that I'm not physically attracted to. Five years ago, my wife got cancer and successfully fought it. But, she cannot have sex. I haven't had sex with my wife in over five years. Even before the cancer, I didn't really want to have sex with her since she's simply not attractive to me and isn't that sexual either.  I have a high sex drive and love sex (which I've been getting outside of my marriage on occassion and makes me feel awful since I'm generally an honest person). She loves me to death, but the feeling isn't mutual. I want to start fresh, including finding a girlfriend that satifies me sexually. My wife is very bright, successful, and the best mother she can be to our son. But I'm simply not happy. Am I a jackass for wanting to leave - should I just "suck it up"? Or, should I pursue my happiness and crush this woman who has been through hell and back and loves me with all of her heart?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are already cheating on her so let her go already. Tell her the truth. She deserves that much from you.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't know why you married a woman to whom you had no sexual attraction. That was your first betrayal of her. Then you took the cowardly way out of not confronting your unhappiness, and chose to cheat on her.

Cancer should have nothing to do with your decision. Pity is not a reason to stay married. You are not modeling a good marriage for your son.

Tell your wife what you have done, apologize, and file for divorce. Your wife deserves to have a husband who is crazy about her.


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## Falcon1919 (Apr 15, 2012)

I married her due to insecurities stemming from my childhood; I didn't think anyone else would be interested in me. I agree that cheating on her was cowardly.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Yeah you should tell her the truth and file for a D. I am going to stop there because I am afraid that I may get my self banned if I continue.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Falcon1919 said:


> I married her due to insecurities stemming from my childhood; I didn't think anyone else would be interested in me. I agree that cheating on her was cowardly.


Hi Falcon ~

Have you done anything (e.g., individual counseling) to try and work through these insecurities? Otherwise, you run the risk of dragging that in to any other relationship you may have.

You should try and do the honourable thing here ... if you cannot find it in your heart to love and honour your wife, if you cannot find it in your power and within your will to remain faithful to her, then you should let her go.

If you want to try and remain with your wife, then you will need to remain faithful to her... and you will need to divulge your indiscretions to her so that she can make the choice of whether she wants to stay or not.

Also, you did not mention what kind of cancer she had that makes sex impossible. But there are a LOT of ways to achieve intimacy within a marriage even if sexual intercourse is not involved.

Best wishes.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with others that you should tell her the truth, as painful as it's going to be. You are already going to be dropping an emotional bombshell on her, so you owe it to her to be as kind to her as you can delivering news like this.

Divorce is up to you two, but given that there's already been multiple cases of infidelity I suspect the odds of you being faithful for the rest of your life is small w/o a massive change of heart on your part. Ask yourself if you really want to change and be honest with yourself.

This may seem harsh, but every time you sleep with someone else you have a chance to bring STDs into your home. Condoms aren't 100% effective. Your wife deserves better than to risk exposure to an STD from your infidelity (as does your son). Granted the odds are slim, but it is possible.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I had cancer , even if I didn't ....and my husband FELT like you do, getting 1 clue of that , I would release him IMMEDIATELY...I wouldn't care how much it would hurt my soul- because it would hurt 10 times worse to have him by my side with his heart and libido for another. 

This is so very demeaning , reduced to a pity marraige, a fake, something in fact ....to spit upon. 

I am not even judging you so much... it is the DISHONESTY of it all....the hiding... trying to spare someone the TRUTH...it's not worth it .... People get hurt every day... It is nothing new under the sun. It is better to be respected and cared enough about -to tell the truth, even if it makes YOU slime in her eyes. 

..I accually sympathize with your situation, I would find it very very very lonely, miserable & depressing to be in a sexless marraige under any circumstances, I don't even think I could do it ! 

But you don't love her ...maybe never did. I do wonder why you married ???? She needs to be let go. There are other people in this world who can be there for her...in their heart..that is what she needs. (family, church friends, etc) ...

Not what you have to offer.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

She cannot have sex, period, after a cancer bout? How do you know? I'm not sure I buy that.

It seems much more likely that your wife has picked up on your true feelings for her on some level. Now, post-cancer, she maybe is generally weaker, has specific lingering effects, etc. and she chooses not to exert herself in this manner.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Falcon1919 said:


> I've been married for 10 years and most of it has been unhappy. Long story short, I married someone that I'm not physically attracted to. Five years ago, my wife got cancer and successfully fought it. But, she cannot have sex. I haven't had sex with my wife in over five years. Even before the cancer, I didn't really want to have sex with her since she's simply not attractive to me and isn't that sexual either. I have a high sex drive and love sex (which I've been getting outside of my marriage on occassion and makes me feel awful since I'm generally an honest person). She loves me to death, but the feeling isn't mutual. I want to start fresh, including finding a girlfriend that satifies me sexually. My wife is very bright, successful, and the best mother she can be to our son. But I'm simply not happy. *Am I a jackass* for wanting to leave - should I just "suck it up"? Or, should I pursue my happiness and crush this woman who has been through hell and back and loves me with all of her heart?


I'm going to try to be as nice as I can. Be aware my wife had cancer in the prime of her life. Thank God, like your's, she is a survivor. So, I just might be bias. Just lets see whats going on.

You married her because no one else would have you. Gee, how nice of her to be the only one to love you for who you were.

You have a higher sex drive. (At least during this period of life) Wow you must be sooo different than any other man. But you couldn't figure out how she might help this? 

You were never really sexually attracted to her to begin with. So since she got ill and can't have sex, you felt its OK to relive yourself by cheating on her. 

While, as a loving wife and mother, she loved you, took care you and your child, was successful ( I'm guessing at a career) and went through cancer too. You feel guilty because you want a happy life and satisfy your loins.

Yes, this is not all about her cancer. 

Oh. I almost forgot. You say your a honest person. You've been lying to her from the start of your marriage. You cheated on her. You don't see that makes you a liar? Selfish comes to my mind.

So, what do you want advise or absolution? Your question is do you deserve a better life. I'm not going to give you an answer, you decide on your own. I will say that by your own words, she deserves better than you. Have the Ba**s to tell her you have not been faithful and she deserves a better man than you are.

Sorry about the harshness. But I think you need some reality.


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## annie2 (Apr 3, 2012)

Dont be an ass and string her along.


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## annie2 (Apr 3, 2012)

Dudes are cowards.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You are holding her hostage and she doesn't even know it. Release that woman to find someone who will love and care for her. I don't buy the can't have sex part. What type CA did she have?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

annie2 said:


> Dudes are cowards.


Neither men nor women have a monopoly on cowardice.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I'm going to try to be as nice as I can. Be aware my wife had cancer in the prime of her life. Thank God, like your's, she is a survivor. So, I just might be bias. Just lets see whats going on.
> 
> You married her because no one else would have you. Gee, how nice of her to be the only one to love you for who you were.
> 
> ...


ANCHORWATCH: You are incredibly intuitive and you're wife is an amazingly lucky woman to have your strength in her life. God bless you for keeping chivalry and truth alive!


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

annie2 said:


> Dudes are cowards.


:rofl::rofl:Ok, I gotta know. What in your opinion exactly makes me a coward?


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Falcon1919 said:


> I've been married for 10 years and most of it has been unhappy. Long story short, I married someone that I'm not physically attracted to. Five years ago, my wife got cancer and successfully fought it. But, she cannot have sex. I haven't had sex with my wife in over five years. Even before the cancer, I didn't really want to have sex with her since she's simply not attractive to me and isn't that sexual either. I have a high sex drive and love sex (which I've been getting outside of my marriage on occassion and makes me feel awful since I'm generally an honest person). She loves me to death, but the feeling isn't mutual. I want to start fresh, including finding a girlfriend that satifies me sexually. My wife is very bright, successful, and the best mother she can be to our son. But I'm simply not happy. Am I a jackass for wanting to leave - should I just "suck it up"? Or, should I pursue my happiness and crush this woman who has been through hell and back and loves me with all of her heart?


Wow, it still astounds me sometimes how horrible people can be at times. Do this poor woman a favor and just leave.


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