# I feel stuck and hopeless...



## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I love my husband to death, and he knows I'd do anything for him, but I'm seriously doubting my ability to go into the military. He told me I should join because he was in, and because I didn't finish college, though I wanted to, and I can't find a good job anywhere. We don't have a car, financially things are a bit rough, and I understand that me going into the military would alleviate a lot of these issues. But I don't think I can do it. I feel so stuck, because I'm either where I am now, with a financial hardship and such, or I give up a lot of what I hold dear for long periods of time to become the bread winner for my family. Just thinking about this brings me to tears. But no matter how I try to bring this up to my husband, he tells me I have to grow up and go. I understand that he just wants to be financially stable, and finally be able to get out of this place, but I don't really want to do this. Yes, the military is indeed a great opportunity, and I'm thankful for all the men and women who give up their freedoms to protect the freedom of my country, and though the thought of that is wonderful to me, I know I'm not going to be happy doing it. And he swears up and down I will because he enjoyed it, and I tell him that not everyone shares his perspective but then he yells and asks me what I'm going to do with my life. I want to go back to school for nursing. But we don't have money for it. So it just keeps going around in a circle... I don't know what to do anymore. And I know I'm starting to get angry with him more often because I feel like he's just not listening to me at all. I just need some kind of advice. I'm sorry this post is pretty long, but thank you all in advance for taking the time to read it.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Please... anyone... I just need some light shed on the situation. How do I talk to him?


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Do what YOU want to do. It's your career so it should be your choice. He can give his opinion, but it's just that. Pursue a career that will make you happy and fulfilled, not what someone else thinks will make you happy.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I agree with Lola. Most college loan payments are deferred until you finish school given you’re a full time student. Granted, it doesn’t help you with a steady income now, which may be more important, but it might not worsen your situation anyway. The military can’t be the only option here if it’s not what you truly want. 

As for how you talk to him. It sounds like you’re not communicating much beyond him saying you will like it and you saying you won’t. I have a similar problem with my H, who can be quite stubborn in his opinions, and it helps me to think out my reasoning on my own first. Why not start by identifying the reasons you don’t want to go ahead with it. Do this just for yourself at first. Go deeper than the simple idea that you won’t like it, why won’t you like it? Maybe if you’re clear on this yourself you will be able to get through to him. Have you asked him what he thinks you’ll like about it? Specifically what _you_ will like, not what he liked. Keep a non-confrontational dialogue going and weigh the pros & cons together. Do this by yourself first if you need to; write out a pro/con list. At the least it will give you talking points. But you two ultimately have to talk it out together and you really shouldn’t choose a career path that you are adamantly opposed to.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You don't want to go into the military, and that's that. I wouldn't want to go either and appreciate our servicemen/women abundantly, which includes both my nephew and his daughter, who are both in the Middle East right now. The thing is, you don't have to justify your decision to anyone. He has no right to pressure you. I can understand you both need to bring an income, but it is not up to him to make you do any particular thing. And, he has no right to demand or yell answers out of you. You are allowing him to mistreat you in this respect, but he needs to get his head on straight.

In another respect, you need to get your head on straight. You have a sense of dread and doom about seemingly everything. That is very unhealthy, and it won't help you accomplish anything. Instead of trying to function under a constant cloud of impossibility, you need to make some determinations other than not going into the military. You want a job but can't find a good-paying one. You want to become a nurse but don't have the money. It almost seems you want things handed to you or you want the avenue paved to clear your path. You certainly wouldn't be the first person in school who doesn't have the money to pay for it. People apply for grants, loans, scholarships. They find a way. Plus, many loans will also pay living expenses. In the very least, you can apply for a loan that pays for classes, while also affording a few thousand dollars pocket money. You can use that for transportation back and forth to school. It might be even more advantageous for you with your husband in the military, but I don't know that for certain. You just have to find out what their benefit package is.

In the meanwhile, you can take a job that doesn't pay as much as you would like. The objective here is to simply find a job. Even if you feel it is beneath you, some income is better than no income to make life just a little easier, and there will be that something extra to add to what your husband brings home. Usually, the most beneficial part of the lower-paying jobs is the hours are often flexible, which will allow you to attend classes. Most of them will work around your class schedule.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to Join the Live United Movement and find your local chapter. Go to them and ask them to help you get your lives and marriage in order and get you on a good path.

Also, sign up for Financial Peace University. The best $90 you'll ever spend.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Maybe I should rephrase Susan. I do not expect things handed to me, at all. Life is too short to expect such nonsense. Two. Every time I try to talk to him, he either ignores me, or asks me what I want to do. I tell him go to school. He tells me we don't have money and we can't take out more grants because I'm already $20k deep in debt from a previous school loan, plus all the loans he's taken out for schooling.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I was AD Army for 6 years, so I can tell you what I think at least. I don't know that it will help. Well, with deployments all around and things going on all over the world, it definately isn't time to join the military if you don't want to be there. Being forced in by another and having you risk half-a**ing your job could cost people their lives. And that is not something that you would want weighing on you. And its as simple as that. I did enjoy my time in very much, my husband is still in. But with both of us being AD Army and two kids problems started. My oldest was diagnosed as autistic. All the care that goes with that made us realize that I would more than likely have to sacrifice my job, or my child. We all know which won. Point being -- everything takes a back seat to the military. Kids, family, vacations, etc. If your husband was in before, why doesn't he just go back in???


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Thank you for clarifying, Mrs. Segedy. I said that because it seemed you wanted things easier than they are. But my point was you cannot allow him to pressure you. Surely you realize he is giving you a hard time about going back to school. I'm hoping you understood that you don't owe him any explanations. He is not your father, nor is he any other kind of authority figure. You don't have to opt for what he sees as the only alternative because you have other options. Perhaps you need to inform him that millions of college students apply for loans (you said "grants" but grants don't have to be paid back) until they finish school. That usually amounts to considerably more than $20k, and then they begin paying it back after they graduate and get a job. If you want to go to school, you will do as they all do. You can also look into work programs and work study programs. You feel "stuck and hopeless" until you speak with a financial aid officer. Instead you allow him to pressure you as if he is the boss of you. What kind of mess is that for him to say you cannot go back to school of all things....for any reason???


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I did mean to say loans. I don't know why I didn't. And I understand what your saying. I just... I don't want him mad at me. But I would rather have a crappy job paying next to nothing, working my way through school then joining the military.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

The military is not something someone should be pressured into - it should be something done because you absolutely want to do it. There's no shame in not wanting to join the military - that lifestyle and the pressures involved are not for everyone. I wouldn't be able to do it, even from just the being away perspective, much less the going to fight perspective.

I don't think there's a conversation that needs to be had here. You keep trying to talk to him and he's not listening, but really there's nothing more to say than "I'm not going into the military". The end. He's not your father, your boss, your master. He doesn't get to make that kind of huge decision for you. Tell him that if he would like to help you brainstorm ways to get what you DO want, you are more than receptive to it. Otherwise, he needs to shut up and let you work it out.

By the way, have you spoken with a financial aid officer? You should. It's possible that you could get aid, including grants. Nursing is hot right now and they need people in the field ... there may be programs that you are overlooking or don't know about that you would qualify for. You could also do it very, very part-time, one-two classes here and there. Time passes regardless of what you do with it, so might as well inch toward your goal.

How much do you have left for college? Take one class next semester. How do you define a "good job"? Take whatever job you can to help with the family and to pay for that class. It's slow going, but the long term result will be that you will finish college, get your nursing degree and then have that great job. You need someone by your side that's willing to support you along the right path, not throw you down a cliff.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I just... I don't want him mad at me.


Conflict is a part of life and even a part of marriage. So what if he is mad at you--seriously, what difference does it make? HE feels the anger. If he acts out toward you, you walk away--temporarily or permanently. The worst thing you can do right now is make decisions based on not wanting someone else mad at you. That is, frankly, childish. As an adult, you accept responsibility where you feel it is due, and then you ignore everything else. So what if he says you cannot take on more debt--that is his OPINION, not a fact. YOU feel you can, and you are being realistic about the burden it places after you finish school (nurses can make good money, don't forget that), so you get to exercise your judgment, too. It's always difficult to negotiate money matters in marriage, because we know that our actions affect the other person--but you could, perhaps, agree that each of you will pay your own loans--maybe get a post-nup to make this arrangement legal, if you live in a community property state (I don't know if that will hold up, but you can try). 

As everyone has said, you cannot let anyone else dictate the way your life will go. At some point, he either decides to accept that you have the right to choose your own future, or you will grow tired of his lack of support. If he loves you, he'll want you to be in a career that you find satisfying, and he wouldn't want you unhappy. If he cannot accept it, then he's really not that interested in your happiness--he wants you to be someone else, and he'd be blaming you for not being someone else. How is that fair? 

Communicate clearly about your needs and desires, set a firm boundary without being unkind about it. Treat him with respect while insisting that he respect you. Get professional help if the issue continues to create problems. Just don't go into the military if you do not want to--as others have said, it would be a horrible choice and one that could have dire consequences. Good luck.


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