# I'll admit it....I exposed for revenge



## LucasJackson

I know there are a lot of great reasons to expose affairs. The thing is, when I found out what was going on, I didn't care about any of them. 

The main AP (there were others I didn't know about at the time) told his wife who in turn told me. I was enraged and wanted to destroy his life. 

As for my own cheating W, I notified everyone that all the experts say to notify. The world. Our kids (youngest was 13 at the time so they can handle it), her family, my family, friends. Considering they were coworkers, I notified the company. They were both fired. Whatever social standing they had, they lost. He fled to the next state over. He's now a middle-aged unemployed man living with his elderly mother. His ex-wife threw him out, is strictly NC, and has the kids and house. My children are disgusted with their mother. I stay out of their relationship but its current state is they want nothing to do with her and are ashamed of her.

I'd like to think I exposed because it was the right thing to do but the God's honest truth is I wanted revenge, retribution, repercussions for heinous acts of cruelty and betrayal committed against me and the OBS.

I've read when you set out on a quest of revenge first dig two graves. I've read the book Moby **** where a quest for revenge cost Ahab his life. It consumed him. 

I can't really find any "expert" that says revenge is a good idea. I don't know why. I felt vindicated by the shambles their lives had become as a result of their betrayal. I felt like karmic justice was served. It was the best I had felt since the whole mess began. It gave me strength, bolstered my emotional health, and helped me heal. They didn't "get away with it". It ruined both of them. In light of that I can't see how revenge is always a bad thing. Anybody else with a positive or negative revenge story?


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## GusPolinski

Damn.

ETA: I thought it was OMW/OBS that initially exposed to you...?



LucasJackson said:


> Just shy of a year. Midlife crisis excuse. Wanted to sow some wild oats but never intended on messing up her marriage. Never got serious with anyone else but wanted some other experiences and then to re-dedicate herself to being in a monogamous marriage. Only problem is *one of the OBS's discovered the dirty deeds and blew the whole thing up.* Oh well, life goes on.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

Good. Fvck cheaters. They reap what they sow.

You divorced the serial cheat too I hope?


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## LosingHim

When I found out 2 years ago that my husband was still texting his ex gf against my wishes, I immediately jumped on FB and sent a message to her husband. He and I conversed for a few days through facebook and twice on the phone to compare stories. They ultimately separated and are now divorced. This was before I knew what an EA was, but I knew that her husband did not like her talking to my husband (she had left my husband for her then husband and he did not want her to further contact him) and I hated that my husband insisted on continuing to talk to her against my wishes. I did not know that he would end up leaving her, I was just so incredibly sick of her being in my life, my husband wasn’t doing anything about it and I wanted HER to feel some pain. 

I did it all within a half hour of finding the record of thousands of text messages. Knee jerk reaction, panic and sadness.

I did not expose to anyone else because at the time my husband told me I was crazy and over reacting so I let it go at that.

But yes, I exposed her because I wanted her to feel some of the pain that she’d helped inflict on my family.


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## MyRevelation

I really don't have a revenge story to share, but I fully support the concept of revenge and see it as a healthy response to being wronged.

I also come from a part of the country where grudges are held for long periods of time and revenge isn't always immediate ... think Hatfields and McCoy's stomping grounds ... and is often overlooked by the authorities so long as the revenge is directed at the right person and is equal to or slightly more than the original offense. There are still places that recognize "Well, he needed killin" (or whatever the proper response would be) as an acceptable defense in certain situations.

Kudos to you for taking "action", rather than just taking "it".


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## LucasJackson

GusPolinski said:


> Damn.
> 
> ETA: I thought it was OMW/OBS that initially exposed to you...?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One of the OBS's. There was more than one. Her hubby confessed. I had never needed to look so my wife wasn't very good at hiding it. The evidence gathering phase was easy. That's how I discovered the others, especially the "main" AP. The one I was talking about here, not that he's any more of a scumbag than any of the others or my wife. They can all die of a horrible disease and rot in hell for eternity for all I care.


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## LucasJackson

BetrayedDad said:


> Good. Fvck cheaters. They reap what they sow.
> 
> You divorced the serial cheat too I hope?


Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her. I'm doing that because it's best for me, I no longer care what works for her. She's trying to DB (divorce bust) me. She reads that site like it's a bible and is convinced she can win me back. It's not going to happen. I would never associate with a woman like what she has become (even though according to her she's "better" now and would never do those things again).


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## convert

LucasJackson said:


> I know there are a lot of great reasons to expose affairs. The thing is, when I found out what was going on, I didn't care about any of them.
> 
> 
> I can't really find any "expert" that says revenge is a good idea. I don't know why. *I felt vindicated by the shambles their lives had become as a result of their betrayal. I felt like karmic justice was served. It was the best I had felt since the whole mess began. It gave me strength, bolstered my emotional health, and helped me heal. They didn't "get away with it". * It ruined both of them. In light of that I can't see how revenge is always a bad thing. Anybody else with a positive or negative revenge story?


This is what counts


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## convert

Exposure was the only thing I did right before I came here.

I did it out of a knee jerk reaction and at the time not to be vindictive but I sure felt petty good with the reaction and fall out.

It feels good to drive the karma bus every once in awhile.


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## BetrayedDad

LucasJackson said:


> They didn't "get away with it".


Get out of this mindset. ANY cowardly little sack of sh!t can put a knife in your back. It is not an action of any real significance.

Let them try to put one in your chest. They'd never have the balls to do it. Don't give them recognition they don't deserve. 

"It" is a figment of your imagination generated by a bruised ego... Put the ego aside.


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## LucasJackson

convert said:


> Exposure was the only thing I did right before I came here.
> 
> I did it out of a knee jerk reaction and at the time not to be vindictive but I sure felt petty good with the reaction and fall out.
> 
> It feels good to drive the karma bus every once in awhile.


That's why on the karma bus thread I said the karma bus works best when you're behind the wheel. Fortune favors the bold and God (if he's real) helps those who help themselves. Sitting around bitter waiting for the karma bus to arrive sounds like a hellish way to live.


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## BetrayedDad

LucasJackson said:


> Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her.


Don't put a price on your dignity. Money is not worth selling your soul for. You can always make more money.

Move expeditious towards divorce. Serial cheats are unredeemable. Justice and revenge often serve similar purposes.

You've handled the situation perfectly. You have one job left. Get rid of her ASAP.


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## jb02157

I think what you did was the right thing to do. It may seem that it only served the purpose of giving you revenge but it also gave the two parties who were involved in the affair their due. Seems like justice served to me. If you don't do something about it, they will have just gotten away with it and continued without caring about the damage they did to their families.


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## LucasJackson

BetrayedDad said:


> Get out of this mindset. ANY cowardly little sack of sh!t can put a knife in your back. It is not an action of any real significance.
> 
> Let them try to put one in your chest. They'd never have the balls to do it. Don't give them recognition they don't deserve.
> 
> "It" is a figment of your imagination generated by a bruised ego... Put the ego aside.


My ego (self-esteem) is fully functional these days because of the fall-out they reaped. I feel really good. Really healthy. I'm actually happy now. It took a while to get here. For me, revenge worked. I'd never claim it will work for everyone but I think it gets unfairly stigmatized as always being bad. The same way hate does. Hate can be very useful sometimes.


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## rzmpf

LucasJackson said:


> I've read when you set out on a quest of revenge first dig two graves. I've read the book Moby **** where a quest for revenge cost Ahab his life. It consumed him.
> 
> I can't really find any "expert" that says revenge is a good idea. I don't know why.


Ahab was on the quest for revenge, he never got it. He did not know when to stop when the stakes for getting revenge went too high.

You seem to have gotten your revenge fairly easily and you faced the consequences that may or may not have come with it (jobless spouse can mean more alimony and child support etc). 

If your quest is over now it won't destroy you, if you still think how you can f*** up their lives then it will be a problem.

That kind of closure with some poetic justice can be rather healthy for the BS, to see that the WS and the AP face the consequences instead of only the BS suffering. Makes it easier to move on. Moderation is the key.


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## LucasJackson

BetrayedDad said:


> Don't put a price on your dignity. Money is not worth selling your soul for. You can always make more money.
> 
> Move expeditious towards divorce. Serial cheats are unredeemable.
> 
> You've handled the situation perfectly. You have one job left. Get rid of her ASAP.


To leave her now would benefit her financially more than if I leave her after another school year. I can wait it out a year. I literally pay her no mind. I do what I want, when I want, and plan my comings and goings only with my kids and friends. One day she tried to tell me something I "had" to do and I broke out the Kevin Spacey line from American Beauty. "No no, you don't get to tell me what to do, ever again." She set herself up for it perfectly and it's always been one of my favorite lines.


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## Herschel

LucasJackson said:


> My ego (self-esteem) is fully functional these days because of the fall-out they reaped. I feel really good. Really healthy. I'm actually happy now. It took a while to get here. For me, revenge worked. I'd never claim it will work for everyone but I think it gets unfairly stigmatized as always being bad. The same way hate does. Hate can be very useful sometimes.


I am mixed on this. I don't know if hate is really "useful" or even healthy. Yeah, you ruined their lives, I get it, but that doesn't change anything about your life. Do you believe in the death penalty? I see similarities between these two ideas. Really, the best revenge is indifference. It's not like I don't understand, or even wouldn't get the I am in the middle of eating a gallon of ice cream feeling. But I think I'd feel empty in the end. I have gone through many relationships, with many of them ending up cause she cheated (I have to question my manliness now) and never have I ever felt the need to be vindictive to someone I, at one time, cared so deeply about. 

I think it should be a little scary for you to get as much joy out of this as you have.


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## stephscarlett

I absolutely did and I have no regrets. I'm not sure why people worry about their motivation. 
I exposed to her boss, her Mom and two brothers (I was crying and said 7 children are involved here and could they please help to put an end to this), showed up at her house to tell her husband... 
after all this they called the police and the police called me and told me to knock it off. totally worth it. her husband called me and told me he was more angry with me than my husband... 
I didn't expose to OW2's employer, and I wish I had. If she ever comes near me or speaks to me or does anything I will. It's really sad. She ran the health department of the hospital where the employee assistance program was. Hubby canceled his appointment with his counselor that day so he could make out with her in the park. 
I have SO MUCH ammunition I could destroy her. Pictures and everything.


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## LucasJackson

rzmpf said:


> Ahab was on the quest for revenge, he never got it. He did not know when to stop when the stakes for getting revenge went too high.
> 
> You seem to have gotten your revenge fairly easily and you faced the consequences that may or may not have come with it (jobless spouse can mean more alimony and child support etc).
> 
> If your quest is over now it won't destroy you, if you still think how you can f*** up their lives then it will be a problem.
> 
> That kind of closure with some poetic justice can be rather healthy for the BS, to see that the WS and the AP face the consequences instead of only the BS suffering. Makes it easier to move on. Moderation is the key.


Great post. I agree that becoming consumed by a quest for revenge can destroy you. I'm done with it. I feel they got their comeuppance. Now is when I'll move on and exact my second revenge: "living well is the best revenge." With that said, if I bump into her in the future at a graduation or wedding I'll probably open with a greeting like "Hi, what's up? Cheating on anyone these days?" I won't be able to stop myself. I apologize in advance.


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## BetrayedDad

LucasJackson said:


> One day she tried to tell me something I "had" to do and I broke out the Kevin Spacey line from American Beauty. "No no, you don't get to tell me what to do, ever again." She set herself up for it perfectly and it's always been one of my favorite lines.


Hopefully it ends better for you than it did Kevin Spacey.

If this is a child support thing then I hope it's worth it. (Hint: it's not)

You won't begin to heal until AFTER she leaves. I'd rather give her, her blood money.


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## stephscarlett

Herschel said:


> the best revenge is indifference. .


that would be great. But I don't ever see myself getting there in regards to both OW. Right now, I just don't ever want to see them. If they stay out of my line of sight, then it's reasonably ok. 
Some people have a big sense of justice. Others do not.


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## LucasJackson

stephscarlett said:


> I absolutely did and I have no regrets. I'm not sure why people worry about their motivation.
> I exposed to her boss, her Mom and two brothers (I was crying and said 7 children are involved here and could they please help to put an end to this), showed up at her house to tell her husband...
> after all this they called the police and the police called me and told me to knock it off. totally worth it. her husband called me and told me he was more angry with me than my husband...
> I didn't expose to OW2's employer, and I wish I had. If she ever comes near me or speaks to me or does anything I will. It's really sad. She ran the health department of the hospital where the employee assistance program was. Hubby canceled his appointment with his counselor that day so he could make out with her in the park.
> I have SO MUCH ammunition I could destroy her. Pictures and everything.


I'd recommend exposing her. If you do and she loses that cushy gig, it'll feel like Christmas morning to you.


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## LucasJackson

BetrayedDad said:


> Hopefully it ends better for you than it did Kevin Spacey.
> 
> If this is a child support thing then I hope it's worth it. (Hint: it's not)
> 
> You won't begin to heal until AFTER she leaves. I'd rather give her, her blood money.


I'll be the one leaving. I hate this house anyway and with the kiddo being old enough to choose to live with me 100%, there will be no alimony, no child support, and I can force the sale of the house. Kiddo and I will be riding off into the sunset next summer.


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## LucasJackson

Although revenge worked very well for me, and I am happier these days, I don't want to give off the impression that I'm a rock of strength and fully recovered. Far from it. There are times when I'm sad and mourn the loss of the life we used to share. It was a great life. She says the same which makes the crazy sh*t she did even more of a mindf*ck. I stopped looking for answers, reasons, logic. I don't care anymore. Sometimes people are f'ed up. That's just how it is. At least my times of sadness have been reduced to moments of sadness so I assume with more time they'll be gone completely. I do believe she has snapped out of her crazy behavior and good for her for doing that. She may make someone a good wife again some day but it won't be me. Ever. If you're hurting right now, it gets better. I also read the #1 thing divorced people say about their divorce is "I should have done it sooner" so take comfort in that. As the chump lady says, dump a cheater, gain a life....or something like that. She rocks, btw.


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## becareful

LucasJackson said:


> My children are disgusted with their mother. I stay out of their relationship but its current state is they want nothing to do with her and are ashamed of her.


Do your children understand that not only did your wife cheated on you, but that she also cheated on them as well? I hear many people say the affair is between the parents and so they use that to rationalize not telling the children, but that couldn't be further from the truth. There are countless adults whose parents divorced due to infidelity and they unequivocally expressed how it messed up their lives. Do your children know the number of APs your wife has or did they just get the generic "your mother cheated on me" talk? What's their day to day interaction like? How does your WW take it?

What is the in-house separation like? Does she cook for you or do your laundry? Do you sleep in the marital bed or in a guest room? Do your kids know about the in-house separation or do they hope that you and your wife will work it out?


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## becareful

LucasJackson said:


> I'll be the one leaving. I hate this house anyway and with the kiddo being old enough to choose to live with me 100%, there will be no alimony, no child support, and I can force the sale of the house. Kiddo and I will be riding off into the sunset next summer.


Is your kid(s?) onboard to live with you full time?


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## alte Dame

I don't think of this as 'revenge.'

I think of it as 'justice.'

When others cause us such huge pain, we usually have some recourse. Murderers are arrested and tried, child molesters the same.

Adultery, though? Nothing anymore. And it's not that I think we should revert to old shaming rituals. Rather, I think it's normal, when someone tears your heart out and your life apart, to want some justice.

It is also a deterrent to some degree, in my opinion. There are plenty of people in the world who actually learn their lesson after being exposed this way. (Not enough, clearly, but many.)


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## LucasJackson

becareful said:


> Is your kid(s?) onboard to live with you full time?


My daughter demands to live with me full time. Her mother used her in her lies to me, unbeknownst to my daughter. She feels horribly betrayed by her mother and has no kind words for her. Their relationship is majorly damaged and I'm staying out of it. My daughter is smart and old enough to decide if she wants her mother in her life or not.


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## Cletus

Revenge is sweet when being dished out. 

Mercy a whole lot more palatable on the receiving end.

Hard to say which is the better path. I just figure one day, imperfect as I am, I may be the one hoping spite and revenge isn't on someone's mind, for whatever ill in life I have caused him.


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## Marduk

LucasJackson said:


> Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her. I'm doing that because it's best for me, I no longer care what works for her. She's trying to DB (divorce bust) me. She reads that site like it's a bible and is convinced she can win me back. It's not going to happen. I would never associate with a woman like what she has become (even though according to her she's "better" now and would never do those things again).


Bwahahahaha!

I hope that's what you did. Laugh your bloody ass off, and head to the pub.


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## blahfridge

Festivus said:


> Revenge is sweet when being dished out.
> 
> Mercy a whole lot more palatable on the receiving end.
> 
> Hard to say which is the better path. I just figure one day, imperfect as I am, I may be the one hoping spite and revenge isn't on someone's mind, for whatever ill in life I have caused him.


This, though I do understand where you're coming from OP. I did not expose my H and though there have been many times I wish I had done so, his cheating is almost 15 years past and it would serve no purpose to expose now. I didn't find out about it until it was over and I don't even know where I could find the women he cheated with. Maybe I was wrong, but I didn't want to devastate my children and destroy their relationship with their father. I think they've probably figured it out anyhow. I know my one daughter knows and she's chosen to continue to love her father. 

He has paid a high price and he knows it. I'll never ever love him the same and he has to suffer through the pain of my revenge/reactive EA. That's enough for me right now. He's beeen a lousy husband for a lot of years, but he's always been a good father. I know it's not the TAM way, but it's the way I've chosen to handle it. If we divorce which still may happen, then I'll decide whether it's the time to tell our children.


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## the guy

So in a way you are still tied to the white whale as it goes in and out of the water.lol

Hopefully these ropes that keep you tied to the monster will break away and you will find peace.


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## jsmart

LucasJackson said:


> Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her. I'm doing that because it's best for me, I no longer care what works for her. She's trying to DB (divorce bust) me. She reads that site like it's a bible and is convinced she can win me back. It's not going to happen. I would never associate with a woman like what she has become (even though according to her she's "better" now and would never do those things again).


Your decisive bold action has shown her you were more of a man than she thought. That's why she's fighting for you. The few BHs that act strongly, have WWs that are remorseful and working hard to save the marriage. 

That why it pains me to read threads from BH after BH ignore the advise given so they can go down the nice sweet non-confrontational path to only get trickle truth, and their WW take the affair further underground.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Confrontation and exposure have a shelf life, or at least a "best used by" date.

Striking while the iron still glowing seems to work the best.

The good thing about you waiting to D because of your kid is, while your stbxw tries to "win you back", you may be able to swing a better deal in D court. And yes, I'm actually saying that you could string her along while getting all the forms signed, etc., then tell her to go pound sand after your D is finalized.

It's the least you could do. :grin2:


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## 6301

My wife cheated, and my 5 year old daughter tipped me off by accident. I confronted when I got home and she was gone soon after. I kept my cool because of my kid and was able to deal with it until the guy she was cheating with shows up on my job site. I was self employed and he starts going on about how he wont come between me and my daughter. I told him on his best day he couldn't and that he should worry about his own two kids and told him to shove off not before I told him that payback comes in many forms and he found out when a few months later she cheated on him.

He didn't like that much so he would show up on my job sites with his co workers and they would hurl jabs at me and one day his wife called me and she had a ton of questions for me and I had some for her. we met and talked. Talked on the phone about it too. Then we met for lunch a few times. Then she came over to my place. Then we ended up in bed..........twice, then stopped because I knew that would only make things harder for her. He continued with his jabs and I just played along and one day I said< "Hey ___, I guess your the better man. I know when I've had enough and your the man". Damn fool took it serious and couldn't see that I was yanking his chain and I wanted real bad to tell him how much I liked that cute little tattoo his wife had on her where you could only see it if she was naked but I kept my mouth shut.

I wouldn't recommend what I did. It was foolish and above all wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right. Not to mention it could be dangerous too.


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## Maxo

Both my DAd have had to deal with the kids losing respect for them. My kids have suffered at least as much as I have.
I am not sure either XW has much of a conscience,so,maybe,the loss of respect does not bother them.


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## MachoMcCoy

And it's "Penis". You read Moby Penis. (That way you don't get censored).


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## CantBelieveThis

LucasJackson said:


> I'd like to think I exposed because it was the right thing to do but the God's honest truth is I wanted revenge, retribution, repercussions for heinous acts of cruelty and betrayal committed against me and the OBS.


I think it's human nature to feel and be capable of acting with revenge, I don't see anything too wrong with it as long as it doesn't get out of hand, which it can, and there lies the danger.... You don't want anyone injured or end up in jail.


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## CantBelieveThis

LucasJackson said:


> I don't care anymore. Sometimes people are f'ed up. That's just how it is.


Indeed, the world would be such a better place with less fed up people.....but what u going do, you are doing the right thing, live N learn as they say..


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## farsidejunky

Herschel said:


> I am mixed on this. I don't know if hate is really "useful" or even healthy. Yeah, you ruined their lives, I get it, but that doesn't change anything about your life. Do you believe in the death penalty? I see similarities between these two ideas. Really, the best revenge is indifference. It's not like I don't understand, or even wouldn't get the I am in the middle of eating a gallon of ice cream feeling. But I think I'd feel empty in the end. I have gone through many relationships, with many of them ending up cause she cheated (I have to question my manliness now) and never have I ever felt the need to be vindictive to someone I, at one time, cared so deeply about.
> 
> I think it should be a little scary for you to get as much joy out of this as you have.


While "hate" is not particularly healthy, being decisive is.
@Herschel, you could learn a lesson or two from him in that area.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT

Lucas Jackson,

I believe exposure is the right course of action for a number of reasons,

It removes the burden of secrecy from the betrayed spouse, why should the betrayed spouse have to swallow a grenade and then act like nothing happened. This is reverse victimization.

We are under no obligation to continue the lies of others. Affairs are based on lies why should the betrayed spouse become a liar just like the wayward spouse? 

We don’t have to suffer uninformed people praising our wayward spouses as the perfect person, or their affair partner as a nice guy, or inviting us to an event where the affair partner is present. 

It allows the betrayed spouse to talk about what happened and have at least some support, the more common course of action is for the betrayed spouse to passively go off into a corner and never recover. 

Some you expose to will disagree with the exposure, that’s fine, you now know who is a supporter of adultery. 

It creates tons of monitors to observe the cheaters behavior.

It does a societal good, although we now scoff at practices like stoning adulterers, there was some basis for doing so in that adultery strikes at the family which is the foundation of a nation or culture. 

If you stop a serial cheater you may have saved other families.

A baseball bat might lead to jail time, exposure accomplishes 90% of that with much lower risks. The waywards can threaten to take you to court, but that would mean they would have to admit the affair or commit perjury. 

People who rob banks get their reputations destroyed and they only steal money, how much more so should people who destroy their spouses mental health and damage their childrens’ happiness have their reputations destroyed.

Tamat


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## snerg

MachoMcCoy said:


> And it's "Penis". You read Moby Penis. (That way you don't get censored).


Moby Penis

That has *got* to be a porn title somewhere


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## The Middleman

Nothing wrong with exposing for revenge, in addition to the other benefits it provides. In fact, I recommend it even if you plan on reconciliation; I consider it part of the required contrition. I don't believe in the "turn the other cheek attitude" or "just move on" espoused by many when it comes to acts infidelity. There has to be a consequence to the behavior, and there is nothing wrong with being at the wheel of the Karma Bus. Further, shame is a powerful weapon/tool that should be used more often.


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## Truthseeker1

The Middleman said:


> Nothing wrong with exposing for revenge, in addition to the other benefits it provides. In fact, I recommend it even if you plan on reconciliation; I consider it part of the required contrition. I don't believe in the "turn the other cheek attitude" or "just move on" espoused by many when it comes to acts infidelity. There has to be a consequence to the behavior, and there is nothing wrong with being at the wheel of the Karma Bus. Further, shame is a power weapon/tool that should be used more often.


Exactly...I love it when WSs call for certain rules of behavior to be adhered to in light of their exposure..you have to love that...i can disrespect you all I want but you need to be a nice tame Bs when you find out...I think the problem wiht a lot of BSs and the source of their regret for staying is they didn't "hit back" so to speak...


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## norajane

LucasJackson said:


> Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her. I'm doing that because it's best for me, I no longer care what works for her.


Is she still unemployed, like her OM?


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## niceguy28

LucasJackson said:


> I know there are a lot of great reasons to expose affairs. The thing is, when I found out what was going on, I didn't care about any of them.
> 
> Once I had proof of the main A (the only one I thought at the time, turned out to be others), I immediately notified OBS. He (OBS's H) denied, then I slammed him with proof. He was busted.
> 
> As for my own cheating W, I notified everyone that all the experts say to notify. The world. Our kids (youngest was 13 at the time so they can handle it), her family, my family, friends. Considering they were coworkers, I notified the company. They were both fired. Whatever social standing they had, they lost. He fled to the next state over. He's now a middle-aged unemployed man living with his elderly mother. His ex-wife threw him out, is strictly NC, and has the kids and house. My children are disgusted with their mother. I stay out of their relationship but its current state is they want nothing to do with her and are ashamed of her.
> 
> I'd like to think I exposed because it was the right thing to do but the God's honest truth is I wanted revenge, retribution, repercussions for heinous acts of cruelty and betrayal committed against me and the OBS.
> 
> I've read when you set out on a quest of revenge first dig two graves. I've read the book Moby **** where a quest for revenge cost Ahab his life. It consumed him.
> 
> I can't really find any "expert" that says revenge is a good idea. I don't know why. I felt vindicated by the shambles their lives had become as a result of their betrayal. I felt like karmic justice was served. It was the best I had felt since the whole mess began. It gave me strength, bolstered my emotional health, and helped me heal. They didn't "get away with it". It ruined both of them. In light of that I can't see how revenge is always a bad thing. Anybody else with a positive or negative revenge story?


I'm probably in the minority here but I've never been one that advocates doing things just for revenge. Lust for revenge is a consuming and destructive emotion that can have unintended consequences. You said you can't divorce her for financial reasons so instead you have her live with you in a house where her children see her everyday and hate her. That cannot be good for your kids and I assure you that it is going to affect them later on in life. Your wife lost her job because you outed them and had you not done that you might have been able to actually divorce her because she would still have an income. The fact that it took getting revenge in order for you to heal means you haven't really healed. When you are truly healed of something you can forgive the other person, and move on with your life.


----------



## Happilymarried25

LucasJackson said:


> Not quite yet. In-house separation. For now, it's cheaper to keep her. I'm doing that because it's best for me, I no longer care what works for her. She's trying to DB (divorce bust) me. She reads that site like it's a bible and is convinced she can win me back. It's not going to happen. I would never associate with a woman like what she has become (even though according to her she's "better" now and would never do those things again).


It feels good to be in control doesn't it? They all say they would never to it again but it doesn't help you get over her affair. It's good that you feel better after getting revenge.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

snerg said:


> Moby Penis
> 
> That has *got* to be a porn title somewhere


More likely a male pornstar name.


----------



## ne9907

The reason for exposing is solemnly yours.

I would have done it too, if I had known.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Happilymarried25 said:


> It feels good to be in control doesn't it? They all say they would never to it again but it doesn't help you get over her affair. It's good that you feel better after getting revenge.


Sometimes "hitting back" is what is needed...decisive action helps people feel better later on..like they didn't roll over but did something.you read about people spending YEARS in limbo - something a little decisive action after dday could help with...


----------



## Cletus

The Middleman said:


> There has to be a consequence to the behavior, and there is nothing wrong with being at the wheel of the Karma Bus. Further, shame is a power weapon/tool that should be used more often.


Just be sure you know in which direction that bus is going when you've got the pedal to the metal.


----------



## TAMAT

Truth seeker wrote, <B>Sometimes "hitting back" is what is needed...decisive action helps people feel better later on..like they didn't roll over but did something.you read about people spending YEARS in limbo - something a little decisive action after dday could help with.. </B>

To amplify what truth seeker wrote, time and time again we have spouses posting here who did nothing 1, 5 or 10 years ago and are stuck in a an unrecovered state, they then and come here seeking some resolution. Unfortunately by that time the wayward spouse often believes they have been forgiven and has blithely moved on in life. 

When someone posts who just discovered an affair and refuses to take action now I immediately think of how they are going to suffer for the next 5, 10 and 20 years for not doing so. 

Tamat


----------



## Truthseeker1

TAMAT said:


> Truth seeker wrote, <B>Sometimes "hitting back" is what is needed...decisive action helps people feel better later on..like they didn't roll over but did something.you read about people spending YEARS in limbo - something a little decisive action after dday could help with.. </B>
> 
> To amplify what truth seeker wrote, time and time again we have spouses posting here who did nothing 1, 5 or 10 years ago and are stuck in a an unrecovered state, they then and come here seeking some resolution. Unfortunately by that time the wayward spouse often believes they have been forgiven and has blithely moved on in life.
> 
> When someone posts who just discovered an affair and refuses to take action now I immediately think of how they are going to suffer for the next 5, 10 and 20 years for not doing so.
> 
> Tamat


I read about one case where the BH stayed in limbo for 8 years and then one day just left..his WW was devastated and in shock (oh well..zero sympathy for her)...all I could think about was - that dude had to be in excruciating pain for 8 years...there must be consequences for the WS...at this point I'm not even sure a full R is ever possible but people are able to get back to "good enough" and stay with their WS..


----------



## Herschel

farsidejunky said:


> While "hate" is not particularly healthy, being decisive is.
> @Herschel, you could learn a lesson or two from him in that area.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


This is subjective to say the least. I don't see how anyone can say being "decisive" is healthy. I could see saying, "being indecisive is not healthy" but those two things are not opposites. Making decisions when you don't specifically know if you have all the information is not being decisive and it isn't being unhealthy either. I understand your point, but for sake of clarity, I don't agree with your pithy response.


----------



## Herschel

The Middleman said:


> There has to be a consequence to the behavior, and there is nothing wrong with being at the wheel of the Karma Bus. Further, shame is a power weapon/tool that should be used more often.


Sounds like meglomania. I think that, at the point your spouse has done what they have done to you, there is no need for consequences or power over them. I mean, if it makes you feel good and somehow makes the last 5, 10 or 20 years of your life better because you did that, I think that has more to do about you than them. Killing the killer doesn't bring your kid back and ends up making you a killer as well. Now, maybe you'd rather live the rest of your life that way, I don't know, but there are many more nuances to people than just black and white, evil and not and revenge because you wronged me.

Honestly, I feel the effort towards revenge and shame ends up making the terrorist win. They know that despite what you can do to me, I know I am killing you on the inside to have you do this. And really, if you need to exact revenge, you are dying on the inside.


----------



## convert

keep in mind exposure is just part of the consequences of an affair.

Exposure does not have to be *mutually inclusive* with revenge.

If the exposure happens to make the BS feel good does that mean it was revenge?
I don't think so, it just may mean the exposure had the desired affect, either by stopping the affair or making the WS run, thus keeping a BS out of limbo.


----------



## Marduk

convert said:


> keep in mind exposure is just part of the consequences of an affair.
> 
> Exposure does not have to be *mutually inclusive* with revenge.
> 
> If the exposure happens to make the BS feel good does that mean it was revenge?
> I don't think so, it just may mean the exposure had the desired affect, either by stopping the affair or making the WS run, thus keeping a BS out of limbo.


When I exposed my ex-wife's affair, it wasn't for revenge. It was because she was running around making **** up about our marriage and what I was like -- it was purely for defence.

In retrospect, I should have exposed from the moment I found out about it.


----------



## Nomorebeans

Like marduck, I didn't expose early enough. That allowed my now ex to go around telling the world lies about me and the real reason our marriage ended, and for him and his AP to bond further.

The world now knows the truth, but like marduck, I didn't tell them all for revenge, but because I can't stand people thinking I've done things I haven't (my ex was telling everybody that *I* asked for us to separate because I wanted to be with someone else - yes, he told everyone I was the one who did exactly what he was doing, and that he was the victim, while completely leaving the OW he now lives with out of the story).

I recently just blew it up on Facebook, because we still had some mutual "friends" there who were taking his side because they thought he was the victim. Um, no.

I think the OP makes a good point about revenge, though. I believe it's underrated. While it wasn't my key motivator, I have to say I find the feeling of vengeance served very satisfying. My ex's and my mutual friends (and his family) have pretty much all dropped him like a bad habit and come apologizing to me for believing him when he said I caused all this. So now he will get exactly what he deserves - a cheating, lying, selfish skank just like himself, and NO ONE else. Hope they really love each other, because each other is all they've got.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Agreed, it felt really good when I spoke with OMW regarding the relationship from years ago. She claimed she already knew all the details but her reaction to quickly end the conversation when I got to the good parts shows that OM gas-lighted or trickle-truthed her.

It felt really good when I sent OMW a formal picture I found of the 2 of them from their 3 yr "anniversary". I know he got some grief over that one, as he should have. What idiot takes formal pictures with his AP, then thinks that no one will see them?


----------



## farsidejunky

Herschel said:


> This is subjective to say the least. I don't see how anyone can say being "decisive" is healthy. I could see saying, "being indecisive is not healthy" but those two things are not opposites. Making decisions when you don't specifically know if you have all the information is not being decisive and it isn't being unhealthy either. I understand your point, but for sake of clarity, I don't agree with your pithy response.


Pithy? Perhaps.

Subjective? When there is an absence of information...perhaps.

I would be curious as to the information you believe you are lacking in citing your indecisiveness...

I will post this over on your thread so as to not continue the thread jack.



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## The Middleman

Herschel said:


> Sounds like meglomania.


I personally don't feel that there is anything wrong with a little megalomania after you've had a load of sh1t intentionally piled on you (and make no mistake about it, infidelity is an intentional act to hurt the betrayed)



Herschel said:


> I think that, at the point your spouse has done what they have done to you, there is no need for consequences or power over them. I mean, if it makes you feel good and somehow makes the last 5, 10 or 20 years of your life better because you did that, I think that has more to do about you than them. Killing the killer doesn't bring your kid back and ends up making you a killer as well. Now, maybe you'd rather live the rest of your life that way, I don't know, but there are many more nuances to people than just black and white, evil and not and revenge because you wronged me.


For some reason I don't think that any successful or powerful person (businessmen, politicians) who felt it necessary to inflict a little revenge on someone, spent their nights laying awake worrying about this kind of stuff. They do what they feel they need to do to have themselves taken seriously by their opponents (and the WS and AP are the enemy). What you are saying sounds like a lot of "Nice Guy" stuff to me. Many people cheat because they feel they can get away with it without retribution.



Herschel said:


> Honestly, I feel the effort towards revenge and shame ends up making the terrorist win. They know that despite what you can do to me, I know I am killing you on the inside to have you do this. And really, if you need to exact revenge, you are dying on the inside.


Again, this sounds like more "Nice Guy" stuff. Sorry, I'm not buying it.


----------



## Augusto

Scorched Earth Policy baby!!! You are my hero'n


----------



## sidney2718

niceguy28 said:


> I'm probably in the minority here but I've never been one that advocates doing things just for revenge. Lust for revenge is a consuming and destructive emotion that can have unintended consequences. You said you can't divorce her for financial reasons so instead you have her live with you in a house where her children see her everyday and hate her. That cannot be good for your kids and I assure you that it is going to affect them later on in life. Your wife lost her job because you outed them and had you not done that you might have been able to actually divorce her because she would still have an income. The fact that it took getting revenge in order for you to heal means you haven't really healed. When you are truly healed of something you can forgive the other person, and move on with your life.


I agree with this. Outing the affair to everyone is only useful if it provides you with some long-term advantage. That it makes you feel better is quite besides the point.

In the US state laws differ on divorce. If the wandering spouse ends up out of work, that could cost you money. It could even lead to your having to pay support to the "outed" person.

Further, two families will have been torn up by the "outing". I've heard guys badmouthed over a divorce gone public by folks saying that the "poor ba****d couldn't even keep his wife satisfied". 

Once things go public, there is no controlling them. It can make life harder for the "outer" as well as the "outed".

So my position is that every situation is different and careful thought should be given to "outing" in terms of its short term and long term effects.


----------



## sidney2718

TAMAT said:


> Truth seeker wrote, *Sometimes "hitting back" is what is needed...decisive action helps people feel better later on..like they didn't roll over but did something.you read about people spending YEARS in limbo - something a little decisive action after dday could help with..*
> 
> To amplify what truth seeker wrote, time and time again we have spouses posting here who did nothing 1, 5 or 10 years ago and are stuck in a an unrecovered state, they then and come here seeking some resolution. Unfortunately by that time the wayward spouse often believes they have been forgiven and has blithely moved on in life.
> 
> When someone posts who just discovered an affair and refuses to take action now I immediately think of how they are going to suffer for the next 5, 10 and 20 years for not doing so.
> 
> Tamat


Taking action is one thing, and in that I agree with you. "Outing" the affair to the known world is another.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@sidney2718 it depends on whether you're externally motivated of not. I don't care what anyone thinks of me so worrying about others thinking I couldn't please my wife - well who cares what someone like that thinks? If the exposure HURTS to OM - that's the sweet part of revenge. If there is no damage caused by exposure it's not worth it. If there is, then you have to decide the level of collateral damage you're willing to incur to achieve the objective. If it means sime loser thinks I'm bad in bed, ha ha that doesn't even classify as collateral damage, if it means a financial hit to me - well divorce already means that and staying married means it too, so it would be a consideration. If the incremental personal pain is bearable and the revenge is sweet, then go for it.

I think the problem with people who disagree with retribution is this - they're just not big enough a55holes to enjoy a well eviscerated opponent. But some if us are


----------



## Truthseeker1

TheTruthHurts said:


> *
> I think the problem with people who disagree with retribution is this - they're just not big enough a55holes to enjoy a well eviscerated opponent. But some if us are*


----------



## LucasJackson

sidney2718 said:


> I agree with this. Outing the affair to everyone is only useful if it provides you with some long-term advantage. *That it makes you feel better is quite besides the point.*
> 
> In the US state laws differ on divorce. If the wandering spouse ends up out of work, that could cost you money. It could even lead to your having to pay support to the "outed" person.
> 
> *Further, two families will have been torn up by the "outing".* I've heard guys badmouthed over a divorce gone public by folks saying that the "poor ba****d couldn't even keep his wife satisfied".
> 
> Once things go public, there is no controlling them. It can make life harder for the "outer" as well as the "outed".
> 
> So my position is that every situation is different and careful thought should be given to "outing" in terms of its short term and long term effects.


First, after the indescribable pain suffered by the BS and inflicted by the person they loved most in this world, the fact that it makes the BS feel better is not beside the point. It is the point.

Second, outing the affair is what tore two families apart? No no no! THE AFFAIR is what tore two families apart, NOT the outing of it. Let's not blameshift.


----------



## norajane

sidney2718 said:


> I agree with this. Outing the affair to everyone is only useful if it provides you with some long-term advantage. That it makes you feel better is quite besides the point.
> 
> In the US state laws differ on divorce. * If the wandering spouse ends up out of work, that could cost you money. It could even lead to your having to pay support to the "outed" person.*
> 
> Further, two families will have been torn up by the "outing". I've heard guys badmouthed over a divorce gone public by folks saying that the "poor ba****d couldn't even keep his wife satisfied".
> 
> Once things go public, there is no controlling them. It can make life harder for the "outer" as well as the "outed".
> 
> So my position is that every situation is different and careful thought should be given to "outing" in terms of its short term and long term effects.


Yes, it sounds like the OP has to do that now - he's stuck living with his cheating wife for another year because outing her at work got her fired. Seems that, ultimately, he hurt himself and his daughter through his exposure of WW at her job.


----------



## Jasel

Truthseeker1 said:


> I read about one case where the BH stayed in limbo for 8 years and then one day just left..his WW was devastated and in shock (oh well..zero sympathy for her)...all I could think about was - that dude had to be in excruciating pain for 8 years...there must be consequences for the WS...at this point I'm not even sure a full R is ever possible but people are able to get back to "good enough" and stay with their WS..


I know the thread you're talking about. She really threw herself quite the pity party. It sounds like he had checked out of the marriage emotionally, and according to her sexually to an extent after D-Day. The WS was just in denial since he stayed married to her for so long but I'm sure there were other signs over the years his heart wasn't in it.


----------



## Jasel

LucasJackson said:


> Second, outing the affair is what tore two families apart? No no no! THE AFFAIR is what tore two families apart, NOT the outing of it. Let's not blameshift.


THANK you.


----------



## convert

sidney2718 said:


> I agree with this. Outing the affair to everyone is only useful if it provides you with some long-term advantage. *That it makes you feel better is quite besides the point*.
> Not beside the point especially if it helps end the affair or keep the betrayed spouse out of limbo
> 
> 
> In the US state laws differ on divorce. *If the wandering spouse ends up out of work, that could cost you money. It could even lead to your having to pay support to the "outed" person.*
> 
> This is a misnomer if this was the case every spouse could get their self fired on purpose just to get out of paying alimony and/or child support. I know personally a coal miner got himself fired to try this it didn't work with the judge
> 
> *Further, two families will have been torn up by the "outing"*. I've heard guys badmouthed over a divorce gone public by folks saying that the "poor ba****d couldn't even keep his wife satisfied".
> 
> Two families will have been torn up BY THE AFFAIR not the outing
> 
> 
> Once things go public, there is no controlling them. It can make life harder for the "outer" as well as the "outed".
> 
> So my position is that every situation is different and careful thought should be given to "outing" in terms of its short term and long term effects.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Jasel said:


> I know the thread you're talking about. She really threw herself quite the pity party. It sounds like he had checked out of the marriage emotionally, and according to her sexually to an extent after D-Day. The WS was just in denial since he stayed married to her for so long but I'm sure there were other signs over the years his heart wasn't in it.


If I'm not mistaken she even accused him of having an affair...you are right it was quite the pity party...funny I felt no pity..she seemed a bit delusional about how her affair impacted her husband...I do wonder why he waited 8 years...i wonder if he had this strategic exit planned the whole time...some of the WWs over there really seem a bit wacky


----------



## convert

LucasJackson said:


> First, after the indescribable pain suffered by the BS and inflicted by the person they loved most in this world, the fact that it makes the BS feel better is not beside the point. It is the point.
> 
> *Second, outing the affair is what tore two families apart? No no no! THE AFFAIR is what tore two families apart, NOT the outing of it. Let's not blameshift.*


I agree


----------



## Jasel

Truthseeker1 said:


> If I'm not mistaken she even accused him of having an affair...you are right it was quite the pity party...funny I felt no pity..she seemed a bit delusional about how her affair impacted her husband...I do wonder why he waited 8 years...i wonder if he had this strategic exit planned the whole time...some of the WWs over there really seem a bit wacky


At first I thought it was due to the kid (I think they had one?) but if I remember correctly he was 2 when D-Day hit and 10 when he left. Probably couldn't just deal with it anymore. But ya I felt no sympathy for her. Didn't care for all the hand holding she got either but that's pretty normal in that section.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Jasel said:


> At first I thought it was due to the kid (I think they had one?) but if I remember correctly he was 2 when D-Day hit and 10 when he left. Probably couldn't just deal with it anymore. But ya I felt no sympathy for her. Didn't care for all the hand holding she got either but that's pretty normal in that section.


Yeah that section makes you want ot puke with all the wayward affirmations going on...


----------



## MattMatt

Now, why would someone want to seek the revenge that Lucas.Jackson wanted? 

Was it hatred? Yes! But not in the way that many might think.

Lucas.Jackson loved his wife very much.

So much so that when Mrs Jackson, the love of his life, was murdered by the cheater who had taken over her body, he needed revenge on the person who had killed his loving, faithful wife.

Unfortunately they are both the same person.

So in order to get his revenge he has to slay the monster his wife became.

His wife probably believes that she is the same woman her husband married. But she isn't. She killed that woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lilybelly

I will never regret exposing. It gave me strength..big, huge strength. And more support than I ever thought possible. 

Lil


----------



## alte Dame

MAJDEATH said:


> ...
> 
> It felt really good when I sent OMW a formal picture I found of the 2 of them from their 3 yr "anniversary". I know he got some grief over that one, as he should have. What idiot takes formal pictures with his AP, then thinks that no one will see them?


LOL, you mean truly formal? Like getting in your finery and having a professional photographer pose and photograph you?

This is almost like a Darwin award for infidelity..


----------



## MAJDEATH

alte Dame said:


> LOL, you mean truly formal? Like getting in your finery and having a professional photographer pose and photograph you?
> 
> This is almost like a Darwin award for infidelity..


Yes, either very stupid or very arrogant!


----------



## bandit.45

Lucas what you did was not revenge. 

Revenge does not have to have any element of exposing the truth. Bad guys take revenge on other bad guys all the time. 

Your exposure was a reckoning. A reckoning occurs when the primary objective is to bring the truth to light so that all can see it...and then they make the appropriate choices of how to deal with it. Her employers made the choice to fire her and her OM. They didn't have to. 

You may have had revenge on your mind but that is not what happened. You exposed the truth and the reckoning occurred in and by itself. You had no control over it.


----------



## LucasJackson

norajane said:


> Yes, it sounds like the OP has to do that now - he's stuck living with his cheating wife for another year because outing her at work got her fired. Seems that, ultimately, he hurt himself and his daughter through his exposure of WW at her job.


Her getting fired has nothing to do with why we're staying another year. She's a trust fund kid. Loaded. Staying another year is for the financial benefit of me and the kiddo, not the cheating wife.


----------



## soccermom2three

I feel sorry for the kids. If the OM is unemployed how is he supporting his kids? Are they now living at poverty level now?


----------



## MattMatt

soccermom2three said:


> I feel sorry for the kids. If the OM is unemployed how is he supporting his kids? Are they now living at poverty level now?


But if he couldn't do the time why did he do the crime?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three

norajane said:


> Yes, it sounds like the OP has to do that now - he's stuck living with his cheating wife for another year because outing her at work got her fired. Seems that, ultimately, he hurt himself and his daughter through his exposure of WW at her job.


It's also possible that if the OM's wife works, she's having to pay the OM alimony too, lol.


----------



## soccermom2three

MattMatt said:


> But if he couldn't do the time why did he do the crime?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Huh? I'm talking about the kids.


----------



## soccermom2three

LucasJackson said:


> Her getting fired has nothing to do with why we're staying another year. She's a trust fund kid. Loaded. Staying another year is for the financial benefit of me and the kiddo, not the cheating wife.


That's a convenient answer.

We have a poster here that won't divorce his cheating wife because he doesn't want to pay alimony even though she coming into a big inheritance. That's considered separate asset from the marriage so don't get your hopes up.


----------



## MyRevelation

soccermom2three said:


> I feel sorry for the kids. If the OM is unemployed how is he supporting his kids? Are they now living at poverty level now?


Just my perspective, but the OP owes no duty to the OM or his family. His responsibility is to protect himself and his children, and if OM's family is harmed in the process ... that's on the OM, not OP.

Infidelity and divorce is ugly business, and routinely innocent people get hurt and the guilty walks with little to no consequences. You can't try to save the world, your responsibility is limited to your little corner of it.


----------



## sidney2718

LucasJackson said:


> Her getting fired has nothing to do with why we're staying another year. She's a trust fund kid. Loaded. Staying another year is for the financial benefit of me and the kiddo, not the cheating wife.


If she's loaded why isn't she off with the OM?


----------



## LucasJackson

sidney2718 said:


> If she's loaded why isn't she off with the OM?


That was never an option, as she says. She wants me. I agree, she should find someone to run off with and leave us alone.


----------



## LucasJackson

soccermom2three said:


> I feel sorry for the kids. If the OM is unemployed how is he supporting his kids? Are they now living at poverty level now?


You're making an assumption that he was the bread winner. That's an obsolete mindset.


----------



## LucasJackson

soccermom2three said:


> That's a convenient answer.
> 
> We have a poster here that won't divorce his cheating wife because he doesn't want to pay alimony even though she coming into a big inheritance. That's considered separate asset from the marriage so don't get your hopes up.


You're literally wrong about everything you've assumed.


----------



## soccermom2three

LucasJackson said:


> You're making an assumption that he was the bread winner. That's an obsolete mindset.


So your wife is a trust fund baby AND the OM's wife has money too.

Like I said convenient answers.


----------



## MattMatt

soccermom2three said:


> Huh? I'm talking about the kids.


But he should have thought about his kids before he started cheating.


----------



## GusPolinski

soccermom2three said:


> So your wife is a trust fund baby AND the OM's wife has money too.
> 
> Like I said convenient answers.


Ha!
@LucasJackson, would you happen to hail from the north Houston area?

Kingwood, perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LucasJackson

GusPolinski said:


> Ha!
> 
> @LucasJackson, would you happen to hail from the north Houston area?
> 
> Kingwood, perhaps?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Florence, KY (Cincinnati, OH)


----------



## LucasJackson

soccermom2three said:


> So your wife is a trust fund baby AND the OM's wife has money too.
> 
> Like I said convenient answers.


Who said the OM's wife has money? Why do you keep writing your own facts?


----------



## GusPolinski

LucasJackson said:


> Florence, KY (Cincinnati, OH)


You live in TX, right?

Are you a blues fan?


----------



## LucasJackson

GusPolinski said:


> You live in TX, right?
> 
> Are you a blues fan?


No and no. Florence, KY (right across the Ohio from Cincinnati) and classic metal, hair metal, 60's and 70's hard rock.


----------



## TAMAT

On one level exposure is nothing but reporting the news, no different from publishing an obituary, or reporting the weather, or just saying that your H broke his toe. To not say something is to keep it inside and deny reality. 

One of the uglier sides of Hillary Clinton is how she put up with Bills serial cheating and never said much of anything about it, posing as some sort of human rights champion, While Bill left a trail of divorces and mistresses on her watch.

Tamat


----------



## GusPolinski

LucasJackson said:


> No and no. Florence, KY (right across the Ohio from Cincinnati) and classic metal, hair metal, 60's and 70's hard rock.


Hmm.

I'd have sworn that you'd mentioned (in another thread) that you live in TX.

Oh well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

TAMAT said:


> On one level exposure is nothing but reporting the news, no different from publishing an obituary, or reporting the weather, or just saying that your H broke his toe. To not say something is to keep it inside and deny reality.
> 
> One of the uglier sides of Hillary Clinton is how she put up with Bills serial cheating and never said much of anything about it, posing as some sort of human rights champion, While Bill left a trail of divorces and mistresses on her watch.
> 
> Tamat


No one will ever be able to convince me that the Clintons haven't had (at least a somewhat) open marriage from the start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TAMAT

Infection, conception and detection are risks of cheating.

Cheaters should not expect innocent people collude with them in their crimes and hide the facts.

Tamat


----------



## Maxo

soccermom2three said:


> So your wife is a trust fund baby AND the OM's wife has money too.
> 
> Like I said convenient answers.


Reading comprehension remedial course? Should be combined with some sensitivity training,particularly as regards gender issues.


----------



## Maxo

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm.
> 
> I'd have sworn that you'd mentioned (in another thread) that you live in TX.
> 
> Oh well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could it be an acid flashback,GP?


----------



## GusPolinski

Maxo said:


> Could it be an acid flashback,GP?


Negative, Batman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three

Maxo said:


> Reading comprehension remedial course? Should be combined with some sensitivity training,particularly as regards gender issues.


Obviously my post is going over your head.


----------



## just got it 55

LucasJackson said:


> My ego (self-esteem) is fully functional these days because of the fall-out they reaped. I feel really good. Really healthy. I'm actually happy now. It took a while to get here. For me, revenge worked. I'd never claim it will work for everyone but I think it gets unfairly stigmatized as always being bad. The same way hate does. Hate can be very useful sometimes.


I'll tell you what fellas 

I really Really like this guy

55


----------



## Maxo

just got it 55 said:


> I'll tell you what fellas
> 
> I really Really like this guy
> 
> Yes,he thinks independently,not buying all the forgiveness-no revenge cliches( that many blindly accept with no analysis).
> 
> 55


----------



## Be smart

Sorry to ask you this but are you going on dates with other women ? Is your wife going out with other men ? 

I am asking because this is not a good example for your Daughter.

One more question. How do you manage to live with her and how do you act around the house when you know you are going to file for Divorce ?

If I remember corectly your wife was sleeping with lots of man and she blamed it on mid life crisis. Even her therapist said the same thing. Waste of money and time.


----------



## weightlifter

Not a fan of the workplace part but the Klingon in me approves of the rest.


----------



## Nomorebeans

I've always said, "Spite is a powerful tool" and "Forgiveness is overrated." Lucas, I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Nomorebeans said:


> I've always said, "Spite is a powerful tool" and "Forgiveness is overrated." Lucas, I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


Here is the problem...WSs want certain rules of decorum followed when their betrayal is discovered...they want the BS to roll over and play nice or leave ..see how that works? Every case is different but it is possible to get some form of justice - maybe not equal justice but enough to make the WS realize they are not going to get away with it...whatever the BS needs to do to heal they should do...and if that means getting some measure of revenge then go for it..the WS deserves it anyway


----------



## *Deidre*

niceguy28 said:


> I'm probably in the minority here but I've never been one that advocates doing things just for revenge. Lust for revenge is a consuming and destructive emotion that can have unintended consequences. You said you can't divorce her for financial reasons so instead you have her live with you in a house where her children see her everyday and hate her. That cannot be good for your kids and I assure you that it is going to affect them later on in life. Your wife lost her job because you outed them and had you not done that you might have been able to actually divorce her because she would still have an income. *The fact that it took getting revenge in order for you to heal means you haven't really healed.* When you are truly healed of something you can forgive the other person, and move on with your life.


This x 100 - especially what I've bolded.


----------



## sokillme

I would not lie for anyone, so if someone asked me I would tell them the truth. I would also tell the immediate family because what the WS is doing is destructive to themselves and everyone around them and the sooner you can stop it the better. It's like an intervention for a addict.


----------



## just got it 55

Truthseeker1 said:


> Here is the problem...WSs want certain rules of decorum followed when their betrayal is discovered...they want the BS to roll over and play nice or leave ..see how that works? Every case is different but it is possible to get some form of justice - maybe not equal justice but enough to make the WS realize they are not going to get away with it...whatever the BS needs to do to heal they should do...and if that means getting some measure of revenge then go for it..the WS deserves it anyway


Living well and finding new faithful love is most certainly the best revenge.

However the best way to spit out the sh!t sandwich is to do exactly what Lucas did.:laugh:

55


----------



## Truthseeker1

just got it 55 said:


> Living well and finding new faithful love is most certainly the best revenge.
> 
> However the best way to spit out the sh!t sandwich is to do exactly what Lucas did.:laugh:
> 
> 55


That first part can come after you get some form of justice - if possible..why shoudl the Bs be the only one left with emotional scars...


----------



## LosingHim

LucasJackson said:


> Florence, KY (Cincinnati, OH)


Florence Y'all!

(@lucasjackson will probably be the only one to get this reference)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blahfridge

*Deidre* said:


> niceguy28 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm probably in the minority here but I've never been one that advocates doing things just for revenge. Lust for revenge is a consuming and destructive emotion that can have unintended consequences. You said you can't divorce her for financial reasons so instead you have her live with you in a house where her children see her everyday and hate her. That cannot be good for your kids and I assure you that it is going to affect them later on in life. Your wife lost her job because you outed them and had you not done that you might have been able to actually divorce her because she would still have an income. *The fact that it took getting revenge in order for you to heal means you haven't really healed.* When you are truly healed of something you can forgive the other person, and move on with your life.
> 
> 
> 
> This x 100 - especially what I've bolded.
Click to expand...

Yep. It's sad that the kids have to live like this. You aren't doing them any favors by having their mother around to be metaphorically spit on everyday. You need to work something else out for our children's sake. I can only imagine the stress that this puts on them.


----------



## LucasJackson

LosingHim said:


> Florence Y'all!
> 
> (@lucasjackson will probably be the only one to get this reference)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I actually hated that when I first moved there but now it's a familiar sight that let's you know you're home. When it was first built it said "Florence Mall" but some people with too much time on their hands complained that a public utility should not advertise a private business so they changed it.


----------



## LosingHim

LucasJackson said:


> I actually hated that when I first moved there but now it's a familiar sight that let's you know you're home. When it was first built it said "Florence Mall" but some people with too much time on their hands complained that a public utility should not advertise a private business so they changed it.


I did not know that. I've always thought that was funny. Every time we pass it I laugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

Truthseeker1 said:


> *That first part can come after you get some form of justic*e - if possible..why shoudl the Bs be the only one left with emotional scars...


The part in bold is so key to me and I think it's especially true of men. I know that I would have to get even in one way or another, regardless of the damage caused. I couldn't even think about healing myself or anyone else until that part was taken care of.


----------



## Truthseeker1

The Middleman said:


> The part in bold is so key to me and I think it's especially true of men. I know that I would have to get even in one way or another, regardless of the damage caused. I couldn't even think about healing myself or anyone else until that part was taken care of.


I'm that way also..there are other personality types who just walk away...I think that is why there are two camps on revenge who will NEVER agree...


----------



## LucasJackson

Truthseeker1 said:


> I'm that way also..there are other personality types who just walk away...I think that is why there are two camps on revenge who will NEVER agree...


I don't believe in being passive and waiting for the universe or God to make things right. I did what I did and it felt great. I'm doing great. My daughter is doing great. Everyone is doing great except for the cheaters. As it should be. If someone else gets wronged and doesn't want revenge, that's cool, it's their prerogative.


----------



## Truthseeker1

LucasJackson said:


> I don't believe in being passive and waiting for the universe or God to make things right. I did what I did and it felt great. I'm doing great. My daughter is doing great. Everyone is doing great except for the cheaters. As is should be. If someone else gets wronged and doesn't want revenge, that's cool, it's their prerogative.


I recently read a story where the BS didnt expose the WS or the AP and has been in agony for years - to the point where the WS told the BS to have an affair. The WS was deathly afraid of having the affair exposed to their kids, family, etc..the WS is scared that thier image will be tarnished. Had the BS blown up the WS and the AP I think the BS would be doing better than they are today and the WS would have to deal with the fallout - instead the BS let them both off the hook and is stuck in limbo for years now. . The BS is paying for their inaction...


----------



## Dyokemm

LucasJackson said:


> I don't believe in being passive and waiting for the universe or God to make things right. I did what I did and it felt great. I'm doing great. My daughter is doing great. Everyone is doing great except for the cheaters. As is should be. If someone else gets wronged and doesn't want revenge, that's cool, it's their prerogative.


I agree completely.

What really irritates me though is how so many in the 'walk away' camp sit back and take on an air of moral superiority and judgement towards people who refuse to simply eat their sh*t sandwich and walk away.

You see it ALL the time, even more so on other sites like SI....

'OP is not your problem, your spouse is.'......'It's not worth it, let it go.'....'Exposing only makes sense if you want to save the M, otherwise it just complicates the D, so move on.'

And so forth and so on.

Look I get it....some people don't like revenge, even feel squeamish or guilty about it.

That's fine.....if you don't like it, don't take steps to get it.

But know this in the world.....there are indeed people that it is far better NEVER to f*ck with, because what will be coming back your way is a shi*tstorm so strong you will regret your choices for as long as you live.

And just because someone else is all 'turn the other cheek' does not make them morally superior.

We have been conditioned by two millennia of Christianity in the west to think revenge is evil or wrong.

I disagree......to me, forgiveness is overrated....and indifference or simple contempt is a place to reach AFTER some basic justice or payback has been enacted.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

I dont disagree with exposurs, All good, but u gotta be careful and not come as a desperate fool whining and acting in questionable manners, cause then others will just see that as a reason for why your marriage fell apart, just use common sense and keep your dignity when exposing, I don't agree with doing crazy stuff and stepping down to the level of the cheater (like posting it all over FB or something like that), that's all.
I only exposed to a few strategic close family and friends, and made sure to keep it to the facts and keep my cool, that was enough.

Did I do it for revenge? Somewhat, but that wasn't the only reason thou


----------



## Truthseeker1

CantBelieveThis said:


> I dont disagree with exposurs, All good, but u gotta be careful and not come as a desperate fool whining and acting in questionable manners, cause then others will just see that as a reason for why your marriage fell apart, just use common sense and keep your dignity when exposing, I don't agree with doing crazy stuff and stepping down to the level of the cheater (like posting it all over FB or something like that), that's all.
> I only exposed to a few strategic close family and friends, and made sure to keep it to the facts and keep my cool, that was enough.
> 
> Did I do it for revenge? Somewhat, but that wasn't the only reason thou


Any move to "strike back" needed to be thought out and tailored to the WSs vulnerabilities...not every form of revenge works with every WS..and in some cases a totally remorseless WS the best ting to do is divorce and move on..its a case by case basis..the case I mentioned above the BS could have absolutely destroyed their WS with simple exposure to just their family...the BS didn't do it and now regrets it...


----------



## LucasJackson

Truthseeker1 said:


> Any move to "strike back" needed to be thought out and tailored to the WSs vulnerabilities...not every form of revenge works with every WS..and in some cases a totally remorseless WS the best ting to do is divorce and move on..its a case by case basis..the case I mentioned above the BS could have absolutely destroyed their WS with simple exposure to just their family...the BS didn't do it and now regrets it...


I agree. I would have never done anything as low-brow as a Facebook post. I made private phone calls to friends and family. Sent emails with proof to those who didn't believe it, and contacted their company's HR, also with proof. It was quiet, tasteful, and it demolished them. I've been able to track down only 1 of the one-time meet-up dudes off of AM. I notified his wife. Showed her proof. I don't know where that stands, she thanked me for the information and that was the only time I ever spoke with her.


----------



## The Middleman

LucasJackson said:


> I would have never done anything as low-brow as a Facebook post.


Depending on how angry I am, I am very capable of the low-brow exposure; timed correctly. I do agree that the strategic exposure, well timed and well placed is very damaging.


----------



## Truthseeker1

LucasJackson said:


> I've been able to track down only 1 of the one-time meet-up dudes off of AM. I notified his wife. Showed her proof. I don't know where that stands, she thanked me for the information and that was the only time I ever spoke with her.


To me its a no brainer - out of common decency the OBS should be made aware of what a POS they are married to. The case I mentioned I believe the AP was married and the BS didn't even contact the OBS...I do think some form of retribution tailored to the WS is the right and just thing to do if the BS desires that..


----------



## Truthseeker1

The Middleman said:


> I do agree that the strategic exposure, well timed and well placed is very damaging.


From RAs to strategic exposure - different forms of retribution work on different people..there is no one size fits all - in the case I mentioned above the WS would have accepted a RA and said so to the BS bluntly! - so that would not have been retribution but exposure would have destroyed them...that would have been retriubtuion


----------



## LucasJackson

Truthseeker1 said:


> To me its a no brainer - out of common decency the OBS should be made aware of what a POS they are married to. The case I mentioned I believe the AP was married and the BS didn't even contact the OBS...I do think some form of retribution tailored to the WS is the right and just thing to do if the BS desires that..


I hate when people don't alert the OBS. I firmly believe if you're somehow involved, in any way at all, and you don't tell the OBS what is going on then you make yourself an accomplice to their betrayal.


----------



## Truthseeker1

LucasJackson said:


> I hate when people don't alert the OBS. I firmly believe if you're somehow involved, in any way at all, and you don't tell the OBS what is going on then you make yourself an accomplice to their betrayal.


Absolutely...agree 100% - and if there is no OBS find someone to notify that would humiliate the AP like their parents or coworkers or someonelike that...


----------



## Dyokemm

LucasJackson said:


> I hate when people don't alert the OBS. I firmly believe if you're somehow involved, in any way at all, and you don't tell the OBS what is going on then you make yourself an accomplice to their betrayal.


I can't agree more.

I read a thread on SI once where the BH was deliberately refusing to tell OBS because he was afraid that she would kick the POSOM out and file for D....and then he was afraid the turd might go after his WW harder.

I wanted to reach through the screen and choke the guy.....his actions were almost as selfish and hurtful as the cheaters IMO.

And all because he had zero b*lls to stand up and fight for himself or his M/family.

Pathetic.


----------



## becareful

Is it just me, or does it seem like there are more and more clingy, codependent doormat beta males in the West today than there are in other parts of the world? They're the kind who want to nice their WWs back, or "wait it out" until their WWs get their fill and then come back, or the type who refuses to accept the reality that their WWs are adulterers, or the type like Very Hurt's son who wants to rug-sweep an affair. Then you have the cuckold variety thrown in for good measure. 

I saw an article hosted on Yahoo about how to find a "real man." It was written by a woman, naturally. It is kind of sobering that such articles exist to teach other women how to identify who the "real men" are, even though, if you ponder about it for a second, the number of real men have diminished for a while now. By real men, I'm just referring to the type who are mentally strong with a backbone, who love their wives and know how to lead while at the same time not allow themselves to be doormats. We seem to have more of the metrosexual type millennials with their tight jeans and man buns than we do the men from a generation ago.


----------



## farsidejunky

Dyokemm said:


> I can't agree more.
> 
> I read a thread on SI once where the BH was deliberately refusing to tell OBS because he was afraid that she would kick the POSOM out and file for D....and then he was afraid the turd might go after his WW harder.
> 
> I wanted to reach through the screen and choke the guy.....his actions were almost as selfish and hurtful as the cheaters IMO.
> 
> And all because he had zero b*lls to stand up and fight for himself or his M/family.
> 
> Pathetic.


Isn't that about once a week over there? I was just reading that last week, and a different one the week before.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Truthseeker1

farsidejunky said:


> Isn't that about once a week over there? I was just reading that last week, and a different one the week before.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I read a case over there where the WS had over a dozen APs and they are in R...the cases there are either demented works of fiction or a collection of some of the scariest people to ever get married....


----------



## Truthseeker1

Dyokemm said:


> I can't agree more.
> 
> I read a thread on SI once where the BH was deliberately refusing to tell OBS because he was afraid that she would kick the POSOM out and file for D....and then he was afraid the turd might go after his WW harder.
> 
> I wanted to reach through the screen and choke the guy.....his actions were almost as selfish and hurtful as the cheaters IMO.
> 
> *And all because he had zero b*lls to stand up and fight for himself or his M/family.*
> 
> Pathetic.


There is a lot of that over there..or clueless WSs who get cry abuse when their BS calls them bad names shortly after dday...as if cheating is not abusive...


----------



## JohnA

All true about SI, except I have seen many Waywards post who did have remorse as compared to other boards. I wondered why till I noticed their policy is to only allow Waywards who are not currently involved with an AP.


----------



## LucasJackson

becareful said:


> Is it just me, or does it seem like there are more and more clingy, codependent doormat beta males in the West today than there are in other parts of the world? They're the kind who want to nice their WWs back, or "wait it out" until their WWs get their fill and then come back, or the type who refuses to accept the reality that their WWs are adulterers, or the type like Very Hurt's son who wants to rug-sweep an affair. Then you have the cuckold variety thrown in for good measure.
> 
> I saw an article hosted on Yahoo about how to find a "real man." It was written by a woman, naturally. It is kind of sobering that such articles exist to teach other women how to identify who the "real men" are, even though, if you ponder about it for a second, the number of real men have diminished for a while now. By real men, I'm just referring to the type who are mentally strong with a backbone, who love their wives and know how to lead while at the same time not allow themselves to be doormats. We seem to have more of the metrosexual type millennials with their tight jeans and man buns than we do the men from a generation ago.


It's not just you, that's all really happening. Emasculation of western males is a troubling trait. Men have become almost shockingly beta/effeminate.


----------



## alexm

I exposed my ex wife fully about a year after it was over, as a kind of closure for myself, I suppose. Had I exposed sooner, it really wouldn't have mattered in the grand scheme of things. It was obvious to those close to her, any way.

She had been having an online affair with the OM for about 2 years before she left. 14 years with me, 7 married, then within a month she was introducing OM to people, and by month 3, she had packed up everything she owned and moved (to Europe!) to be with him. For our friends and family members, it was obvious she didn't just meet this guy, so there was nothing really to expose.

So I remained civil throughout the separation and divorce, just to make things easier. But when it was all completed and there was nothing left to do, those who had been close to us (including her parents and siblings) got the full story from me. I wasn't proud of doing so, but it was somewhat cathartic. Most of it, they would have already known, or figured out, but not to the depths that I filled them in on.

The OM was someone we both knew from online interactions. Long story. He wasn't a friend or even an acquaintance of mine, but we had spoken a few times (message boards) while I was in the dark about what was going on with my ex wife. Therefore I knew how to get in touch with him. So I did. I let him know there was strong evidence she had cheated on me prior (some 6 years before). I also let him know that, in the few months leading up to her leaving me for him, that there was yet another guy in the picture around that time. Again, no hard proof of cheating, but very circumstantial evidence. This would have been at a time when she was married to me, yet planning her future with him, and apparently screwing around with a third guy. Basically, I "nicely" told him that she not only has a history of this, but was also "cheating" on him AND me at the same time. How messed up is that?

Never heard back from him, nor her. They're still together, last I heard. His problem now...


----------



## Truthseeker1

JohnA said:


> All true about SI, except I have seen many Waywards post who did have remorse as compared to other boards. I wondered why till I noticed their policy is to only allow Waywards who are not currently involved with an AP.


There are plenty of tone deaf waywards there as well..more than the remorseful ones it seems...


----------



## Truthseeker1

becareful said:


> Is it just me, or does it seem like there are more and more clingy, codependent doormat beta males in the West today than there are in other parts of the world? They're the kind who want to nice their WWs back, or "wait it out" until their WWs get their fill and then come back, or the type who refuses to accept the reality that their WWs are adulterers, or the type like Very Hurt's son who wants to rug-sweep an affair.



Read the JFO section of SI plenty of them there...


----------



## trozee

I would have done the same. Marriage is sacred and if one party doesn't treat it that way, and lets someone else enter into the marriage it should be exposed to all involved and effected. Secrets are poison.


----------



## Truthseeker1

trozee said:


> I would have done the same. Marriage is sacred and if one party doesn't treat it that way, and lets someone else enter into the marriage it should be exposed to all involved and effected. Secrets are poison.


The Ws should never be allowed to walk around with their reputation in tact..


----------



## sidney2718

becareful said:


> Is it just me, or does it seem like there are more and more clingy, codependent doormat beta males in the West today than there are in other parts of the world? They're the kind who want to nice their WWs back, or "wait it out" until their WWs get their fill and then come back, or the type who refuses to accept the reality that their WWs are adulterers, or the type like Very Hurt's son who wants to rug-sweep an affair. Then you have the cuckold variety thrown in for good measure.
> 
> I saw an article hosted on Yahoo about how to find a "real man." It was written by a woman, naturally. It is kind of sobering that such articles exist to teach other women how to identify who the "real men" are, even though, if you ponder about it for a second, the number of real men have diminished for a while now. By real men, *I'm just referring to the type who are mentally strong with a backbone, who love their wives and know how to lead while at the same time not allow themselves to be doormats.* We seem to have more of the metrosexual type millennials with their tight jeans and man buns than we do the men from a generation ago.


Yes, one must lead one's wife. She can't be trusted since she's female and of weak mind. To do otherwise would be to be a doormat.

By the way, do you advocate beating them on the honeymoon or should one wait until after?


----------



## Begin again

LucasJackson said:


> One of the OBS's. There was more than one. She had very thin proof but it didn't take me long to find more. I had never needed to look so my wife wasn't very good at hiding it. The evidence gathering phase was easy. That's how I discovered the others, especially the "main" AP. The one I was talking about here, not that he's any more of a scumbag than any of the others or my wife. They can all die of a horrible disease and rot in hell for eternity for all I care.


I appreciate why you feel this way, but it won't serve you later. I also read where you imagine running into her later and casually joking "cheated on anyone lately?"

This thinking will consume you, and if you ever decide to date anyone (which you may never again considering how she treated you), then this attitude will be a big red flag that you are not healed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VladDracul

sidney2718 said:


> Yes, one must lead one's wife. She can't be trusted since she's female and of weak mind. To do otherwise would be to be a doormat.
> 
> By the way, do you advocate beating them on the honeymoon or should one wait until after?


You seem to be one of these cats that's a fast draw with your "racist", "sexist" "xenophobic" card.


----------



## joannacroc

There is a lot of freedom in not caring a whole lot what your average Joe thinks of you. I have never had a keeping up with the Jones's attitude to life. If I forget to mow my lawn one week, I don't feel abject mortification and fear of being judged somehow lesser. It's just a lawn. My car is what it is. It works great. I like how practical it is. If it isn't a Mercedes, or a BMW, so what? I care about the opinion of the people I like and love. My friends and family are where it's at. 

Maybe that was what helped when I made the decision to expose to my parents and sister only. Nobody else knows I am guessing, as XH is a very proud person and more or less refused to admit to any wrongdoing to me. I had enough proof to know for myself that he wasn't who I thought I married. It'd be amazing to say I dealt with it in some awesome, Angela Bassett-in-Waiting-to-Exhale-esque way, but I kept thinking of my son and how the scorched earth approach would effect him. I want him to have a Dad. And trying to destroy his Dad wouldn't be in his best interest. Thing is, when it comes to divorce, each spouse's family generally believes their side. So I knew my very convincing and aggressive XH would have his family believing he could do no wrong. I knew they'd never believe he cheated. I guess my approach was just that we all need to make this as smooth as possible for my son. So far it seems to be going well. I have no regrets. That, and the state I live in sees adultery separations no differently from separations for the sake of separation. He has little money. So there was no financial benefit there either.

I'd be lying if I said I never felt any anger towards XH for upending our son's life, my life, my sense of trust in the world, our son's sense of stability and normalcy. But you reach a crossroads and at a certain point the bitterness is one choice, and moving on is another. Neither is particularly clean-cut. But I made the decision to try and be happy in my new life and let go of the old one. I aim now to make the best of what time we have left on this earth. We can have a lot of fun, laugh a lot, and do a lot of good in one lifetime.


----------



## MAJDEATH

I think there is a sense of checks and balances by exposing to family and friends. Others will now always be scrutinizing her actions, just to make sure she hasn't started down the path of relationships with OM.

The only person I didn't tell is my sister, because she goes to a clothing optional swingers Camp with her H just about every weekend, so I doubt she would care.


----------



## Nomorebeans

joannacroc said:


> There is a lot of freedom in not caring a whole lot what your average Joe thinks of you. I have never had a keeping up with the Jones's attitude to life. If I forget to mow my lawn one week, I don't feel abject mortification and fear of being judged somehow lesser. It's just a lawn. My car is what it is. It works great. I like how practical it is. If it isn't a Mercedes, or a BMW, so what? I care about the opinion of the people I like and love. My friends and family are where it's at.
> 
> Maybe that was what helped when I made the decision to expose to my parents and sister only. Nobody else knows I am guessing, as XH is a very proud person and more or less refused to admit to any wrongdoing to me. I had enough proof to know for myself that he wasn't who I thought I married. It'd be amazing to say I dealt with it in some awesome, Angela Bassett-in-Waiting-to-Exhale-esque way, but I kept thinking of my son and how the scorched earth approach would effect him. I want him to have a Dad. And trying to destroy his Dad wouldn't be in his best interest. Thing is, when it comes to divorce, each spouse's family generally believes their side. So I knew my very convincing and aggressive XH would have his family believing he could do no wrong. I knew they'd never believe he cheated. I guess my approach was just that we all need to make this as smooth as possible for my son. So far it seems to be going well. I have no regrets. That, and the state I live in sees adultery separations no differently from separations for the sake of separation. He has little money. So there was no financial benefit there either.
> 
> I'd be lying if I said I never felt any anger towards XH for upending our son's life, my life, my sense of trust in the world, our son's sense of stability and normalcy. But you reach a crossroads and at a certain point the bitterness is one choice, and moving on is another. Neither is particularly clean-cut. But I made the decision to try and be happy in my new life and let go of the old one. I aim now to make the best of what time we have left on this earth. We can have a lot of fun, laugh a lot, and do a lot of good in one lifetime.


As I said earlier in this thread, I didn't expose at all early on, then I exposed to everyone - and learned he had lied to all of them and said he had left me because I asked for a separation so we could see other people, probably because I already was. No mention whatsoever of the OM. I've since learned who my real friends are - and have been surprised in some cases by who ended up standing by me (old friends of his that he knew before we met, and his own sister), and by who did not (friends we both met together at the same time, who I suspect are cheaters, too).

But in the final analysis, do I really feel better that I exposed him to everyone? Does it really matter? They'd have come to figure it out on their own after he moved her down to Florida from another state and in with him barely a month after our divorce, which happened very quickly, was final, while I remain single and am not even dating anyone.

I think Joanna and others are right - I, too, have been letting the bitterness consume me. It's not a good feeling at all - not the way I want to feel anymore. So I've made a conscious choice - just over this past weekend - to let it go. As cliche as they are, two internet memes have really resonated with me over the past several days. They are:

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

And:

"Let go, or be dragged."

Yep - that's just what the bitterness consuming me feels like - being dragged. So I'm letting it go. It's not something you do by just not thinking about it anymore. It's a conscious decision to not let yourself think about it anymore. Like all old habits, it's dying hard. But I'm going to keep trying, because I just can't go on feeling this way any longer.


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## sapientia

Revenge is about being vindictive. Justice is about vindication. I agree with those who say that moving forward with indifference is key. Can't see how you can do this staying married to her. It almost sounds like you are enjoying her pathetic attempts to reconcile and leading her on. That is just wrong and your kids will see this. Think about their good opinion also as you go forward. 

Good luck.


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## LucasJackson

Begin again said:


> I appreciate why you feel this way, but it won't serve you later. I also read where you imagine running into her later and casually joking "cheated on anyone lately?"
> 
> This thinking will consume you, and if you ever decide to date anyone (which you may never again considering how she treated you), then this attitude will be a big red flag that you are not healed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No "consumption" I've always been a smartass who tells the truth through snark. Cheaters cheat. Fish swim. Birds chirp. C'est la vie.


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## sokillme

LucasJackson said:


> No "consumption" I've always been a smartass who tells the truth through snark. Cheaters cheat. Fish swim. Birds chirp. C'est la vie.


You'll do just fine, just don't mess with cheaters. Find someone who is as snarky as you.


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## Begin again

sokillme said:


> You'll do just fine, just don't mess with cheaters. Find someone who is as snarky as you.


There's snarky and there's bitter. I'm snarky. If you aren't bitter, then why are you imagining future encounters with her and preparing what to say. Seems your focus is not on today... So where is it?

And by the way... Telling the truth by being snarky is not a good way to have a strong relationship. You may find it a good quality in you, but most people will pull back from a partner who verbally rakes them over the coals. Snarky should be reserved for humor without agenda.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2

sidney2718 said:


> Yes, one must lead one's wife. She can't be trusted since she's female and of weak mind. To do otherwise would be to be a doormat.
> 
> By the way, do you advocate beating them on the honeymoon or should one wait until after?



Your profile says you're currently in a relationship that spans 50+ years, so that puts you around 70 years old, yet you still engage in strawman arguments?

I mentioned that the man should love his wife. Tell me, which part of loving your wife involves beating her?

Go ask your wife or gf, if they're still around, if they prefer it when you show good leadership or if they prefer if you don't take charge?


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## TaDor

MAJDEATH said:


> I think there is a sense of checks and balances by exposing to family and friends. Others will now always be scrutinizing her actions, just to make sure she hasn't started down the path of relationships with OM.
> 
> The only person I didn't tell is my sister, because she goes to a clothing optional swingers Camp with her H just about every weekend, so I doubt she would care.


Yep, I agree. Even some friends of my WW were very upset with her and were re-evaluating their friendship with her.

Go ahead and tell your sister. Just because she is in an open relationship (OR), doesn't mean she and her husband supports cheating. While OR can open the door to cheating, its still looked down upon like people who are "monogamous". Your sister would support you.

Some of our mutual friends who are OR as well as people I know who are poly, do not like cheaters.


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## MattMatt

TaDor said:


> Yep, I agree. Even some friends of my WW were very upset with her and were re-evaluating their friendship with her.
> 
> Go ahead and tell your sister. Just because she is in an open relationship (OR), doesn't mean she and her husband supports cheating. While OR can open the door to cheating, its still long down upon like people who are "monogamous". Your sister would support you.
> 
> Some of our mutual friends who are OR as well as people I know who are poly, do not like cheaters.


I think there are possibly several factors here.

Cheating makes other alternative relationship lifestyles look bad.

The fact that people who are in ORs have to pay particular attention to how their partner is feeling about the relationship -is jealousy sneaking in? 

They might think Am I seeing too much of my lover over my spouse? 

This might make them feel especially anti-cheater, as cheaters do NOT pay any, let alone particular, attention to the needs of their spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars

> @LucasJackson wrote:
> 
> There's snarky and there's bitter. I'm snarky. Snarky should be reserved for humor without agenda.


Humor without a gender is neutral gibberous.

Eunuch speech, I believe.


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## Maxo

Good. Revenge is an excellent panacea.


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## Maxo

sapientia said:


> Revenge is about being vindictive. Justice is about vindication. I agree with those who say that moving forward with indifference is key. Can't see how you can do this staying married to her. It almost sounds like you are enjoying her pathetic attempts to reconcile and leading her on. That is just wrong and your kids will see this. Think about their good opinion also as you go forward.
> 
> Good luck.


Take revenge. It is healthy. Then move on.


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## sokillme

Dyokemm said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> What really irritates me though is how so many in the 'walk away' camp sit back and take on an air of moral superiority and judgement towards people who refuse to simply eat their sh*t sandwich and walk away.
> 
> You see it ALL the time, even more so on other sites like SI....
> 
> 'OP is not your problem, your spouse is.'......'It's not worth it, let it go.'....'Exposing only makes sense if you want to save the M, otherwise it just complicates the D, so move on.'
> 
> And so forth and so on.
> 
> Look I get it....some people don't like revenge, even feel squeamish or guilty about it.
> 
> That's fine.....if you don't like it, don't take steps to get it.
> 
> But know this in the world.....there are indeed people that it is far better NEVER to f*ck with, because what will be coming back your way is a shi*tstorm so strong you will regret your choices for as long as you live.
> 
> And just because someone else is all 'turn the other cheek' does not make them morally superior.
> 
> We have been conditioned by two millennia of Christianity in the west to think revenge is evil or wrong.
> 
> I disagree......to me, forgiveness is overrated....and indifference or simple contempt is a place to reach AFTER some basic justice or payback has been enacted.


SI for the most part is a board for codependency. There are some good posters on there and some WS that are truly trying to get better but those voices are always shouted down by the sad codependents that want others to live in the private hell that they are too fearful of breaking out of. It is sad really.


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## sokillme

Dyokemm said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> What really irritates me though is how so many in the 'walk away' camp sit back and take on an air of moral superiority and judgement towards people who refuse to simply eat their sh*t sandwich and walk away.
> 
> You see it ALL the time, even more so on other sites like SI....
> 
> 'OP is not your problem, your spouse is.'......'It's not worth it, let it go.'....'Exposing only makes sense if you want to save the M, otherwise it just complicates the D, so move on.'
> 
> And so forth and so on.
> 
> Look I get it....some people don't like revenge, even feel squeamish or guilty about it.
> 
> That's fine.....if you don't like it, don't take steps to get it.
> 
> But know this in the world.....there are indeed people that it is far better NEVER to f*ck with, because what will be coming back your way is a shi*tstorm so strong you will regret your choices for as long as you live.
> 
> And just because someone else is all 'turn the other cheek' does not make them morally superior.
> 
> We have been conditioned by two millennia of Christianity in the west to think revenge is evil or wrong.
> 
> I disagree......to me, forgiveness is overrated....and indifference or simple contempt is a place to reach AFTER some basic justice or payback has been enacted.


It's not revenge it's consequences.


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## Maxo

Sometimes you just need to give someone a shot to the jowls to feel better.


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## sokillme

The Middleman said:


> Depending on how angry I am, I am very capable of the low-brow exposure; timed correctly. I do agree that the strategic exposure, well timed and well placed is very damaging.


The best one I heard was a woman who was dating some politician, he was having like a 20 year anniversary or something for is job with a union or something. They were doing a video and she was putting it together for him. She found pictures of him and his mistress.

So she put the pictures of him and his mistress in the video, she said it was not enough that anyone would think it was anything but strange, but enough that he would know she knew. I believe vacations shots and stuff. 

When they started the video at the party she left and ghosted for good. He had to go up after watching the video and receive his reward knowing all the time that he was caught. She ruined his whole night. Then he never got a chance to even talk to her about it. 

Brilliant.

Read it on Reddit.


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## farsidejunky

sokillme said:


> SI for the most part is a board for codependency. There are some good posters on there and some WS that are truly trying to get better but those voices are always shouted down by the sad codependents that want others to live in the private hell that they are too fearful of breaking out of. It is sad really.


Bigger is the best I have seen over there.

He really hones things in.


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## sokillme

LucasJackson said:


> It's not just you, that's all really happening. Emasculation of western males is a troubling trait. Men have become almost shockingly beta/effeminate.


No fathers (who abdicated their responsibility) raised by woman. Told by schools and media that their nature is toxic. I feel bad for them, they had no chance.


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## Maxo

farsidejunky said:


> Bigger is the best I have seen over there.
> 
> He really hones things in.


Yes,but his ego is huge and he is a pedant. Still good advice but he might dislocate his shoulder patting himself on the back.


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## sokillme

Lardo said:


> Good. Revenge is an excellent panacea.


That is best served cold. >


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## arbitrator

LucasJackson said:


> I know there are a lot of great reasons to expose affairs. The thing is, when I found out what was going on, I didn't care about any of them.
> 
> Once I had proof of the main A (the only one I thought at the time, turned out to be others), I immediately notified OBS. He (OBS's H) denied, then I slammed him with proof. He was busted.
> 
> As for my own cheating W, I notified everyone that all the experts say to notify. The world. Our kids (youngest was 13 at the time so they can handle it), her family, my family, friends. Considering they were coworkers, I notified the company. They were both fired. Whatever social standing they had, they lost. He fled to the next state over. He's now a middle-aged unemployed man living with his elderly mother. His ex-wife threw him out, is strictly NC, and has the kids and house. My children are disgusted with their mother. I stay out of their relationship but its current state is they want nothing to do with her and are ashamed of her.
> 
> I'd like to think I exposed because it was the right thing to do but the God's honest truth is I wanted revenge, retribution, repercussions for heinous acts of cruelty and betrayal committed against me and the OBS.
> 
> I've read when you set out on a quest of revenge first dig two graves. I've read the book Moby **** where a quest for revenge cost Ahab his life. It consumed him.
> 
> I can't really find any "expert" that says revenge is a good idea. I don't know why. I felt vindicated by the shambles their lives had become as a result of their betrayal. I felt like karmic justice was served. It was the best I had felt since the whole mess began. It gave me strength, bolstered my emotional health, and helped me heal. They didn't "get away with it". It ruined both of them. In light of that I can't see how revenge is always a bad thing. Anybody else with a positive or negative revenge story?


*Ain't it just remarkable what the wantonness for a strange little piece of trim will do to a supposedly committed marriage!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

sokillme said:


> That is best served cold. >


And rammed down another's throat.


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