# Chose to be an escort over him, can he forgive me?



## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

What I had is “gone” cause of what I have done and I cannot forgive myself for the pain that I have caused but I am hoping he can forgive me. 

Since 2004 I have been in a relationship with a man that knows more about me then I know about myself, has seen who I am and knew what I could become cause of a life he lived 10 years before we met. 

Now here we are, nearly 9 years into this relationship and I have to say that what we have is a “distressed relationship” cause I am not sure if there is anything can fix this so this is the reason I am posting this here cause I/we need input from others as there is no situation like what we have been through or at least I can’t locate anything that is even remotely similar to give us something to reference to so please reply to this freely!

1 month ago I confessed to being an escort, something he learned about over a year ago but only had suspicion. 

After a brutal fight in October 2011 he tried to tell me he could make it all go away but I wouldn't listen. In Feb 2012 began our battles in court dealing with a restraining order I put on him and criminal charges that were placed against me, which ended in Aug 2012. At this time I told him how much I needed him, which he believes was only to get me out of being charged for assault while I was in a rage and “gone”. 

We had seen a counselor in January 2012 and after that I ran to what I can say I didn't extinguish in Dec 2011 like I know I should have when he performed a Shock and Awe Campaign – shopping which included the most beautiful ring, dinner dates, movie night, meeting friends I had only heard about throughout our relationship, going out playing pool and hanging out with these friends and to top it off a trip to beautiful hotel, walk on the boardwalk in the snow and the finale, the proposal. Even after all of this, which was everything I wanted all the years prior but I didn't say YES. 

After the counseling appointment in Jan 2012 which he said to the doctor when he was asked into the session was this just a bashing session about him? I ran. The doctor knew I was in distress cause of our problems and he tried to get me to go back but I wouldn't and have since learned I would have been committed had I. It was needed that is for sure, and had I gone back to the doctor like he wanted me to, I would have avoided what I became which something I was curious about as I told him but even working in a bar as an entertainer to make extra money, I had never done this. I am an office professional not anything more. But why I was even curious I really don’t know, who wants to become or has curiosity about being a escort?? I was helping post ad's that were being posted for other girls in Nov 2011 as that is where I found myself after leaving cause of our fight and the fact I couldn't listen to him and believe all this trouble could be made to go away. I rented a room in a rooming house cause I had to stay in the state cause of this legal matter we got ourselves into. 

Now here we are, a year later and I manipulated him into caring about me again knowing that I have now committed the ultimate sin and knowing that he wouldn't be able to live with what I have confessed to cause like I mentioned he had been through this with another person 10 years before me and couldn't deal with it, but as he has said he didn't care for her like he had cared for me. 

I had chipped away at the bond we had while we were hooked on drugs in 2006 and he states that this is the reason we fought all these years, but also has said that he was able to rationalize what I did at that time but was not able to forget since I allowed someone to f*** me so that I could get us drugs. Should our relationship have been over then, probably but we managed to get through it and rebuild. 

There have been several times throughout the years that we fought and I would run only to come back again and rebuild each time but only after adding to the pain cause of things I had done while we were apart and lies I had told him and things I did to manipulate him into wanting me back. My family was always getting involved, mainly my mother who was selfishly trying to get me away from the man that I loved, she put me in such a weak state of mind that I crumbled. I listened to her need for me and with him not getting along with my family even though he tried, it was a hard battle. I shouldn't have been forced to choose. But, to add to this I should have, and should have chosen my man and his family over my own family as they were only looking out for my best interest and were never selfish. My mother is someone that I am very much like but I never wanted to be exactly like her but that is what I became. 

He has been as forgiving as one person could be and now I am asking him to forgive me again, for the last time as I know at this point I have lost him and this is something I never imagined would ever happen, I never expected to be without him and I know that he want’s to get over this but I don’t think that he can and what I am seeing him go through now is horrible and I so wish I could take the pain away but I cant… 

So I ask, what can become of us? How can he get over what I have done? Is there anyway that we can rebuild and get back the bond that I have destroyed? Can he ever believe me again since I have told so many lies? Will he put himself through this again knowing what our past has been? 

I have surrendered, I have confessed, I am trying not to lie and provide and full transparency that a relationship needs, I am willing to get help and change, but is it all to late? 

Hopeful but realistically I fear that what I had is gone!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Hate the say it but if I were him; I would have to end the relationship. I don't know how I could get past the deception let alone how you earn money. I don't know how I could ever trust you.

I am not him. What is it that bothers him the most? Is it the deception or is it that you were an escort. It sounds illogical but I think if being an escort is not his biggest issue then you may still have a chance. 

Are you still an escort?

This is a really difficult situation and both of you have been living a life and have a set of values I am not familiar with. I don't know what to suggest except that you have to follow up your promises of being honest and transparent with real action. "Trying not to lie" is not the same thing as not lying. You have to do more than try. By saying "try", you are giving yourself an out because you KNOW you will lie. Be true to your promises ... you will not "try" to be honest, you WILL be honest.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I'm not trying to be harsh, or minimize your suffering, but this relationship has been over for years. Do yourselves a big favor and part ways. It sounds to me like you both need some profesional help with your particular problems. Is he still using drugs? If not, how long before he starts again... Are you still lying to him? If not, how long before he starts again... Get some help and break the cycles.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Golly, "too late" seems to have been a long time ago. I don't have anything against being an escort as a profession but the lying and manipulation is clearly extremely toxic and in need of addressing via some intensive counseling, possibly drug intervention from the sounds of it.

You have to fix yourself before you can even begin to address fixing this relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Set him free. He's tried do hard and you've just abused him an turned your back on him while willing going to others.

He needs to be free of you so he can find someone who actually is capable of returning his love.

My advice for you. Get yourself into treatment for the drugs and for your other problems. Do it before things turn darker for you.

But give him freedom from you wasting more of his life wishing that you'd be able to love him back,


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Are you both drug free now? Committed to staying sober?

If you both are not on the same page with that then there is no hope. 

That's the very most important thing. #1. Sober & committed to it. Both of you. 

Once two people are clean and "normal" after living such a tumultuous lifestyle, it's hard for both people to see past certain things. But it's not impossible. 

Stay in counseling separately and individually. 

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Drugs, violence, becoming an escort. Oh. Clearly a good deal of problems to work through.


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Hate the say it but if I were him; I would have to end the relationship. I don't know how I could get past the deception let alone how you earn money. I don't know how I could ever trust you.
> 
> I am not him. What is it that bothers him the most? Is it the deception or is it that you were an escort. It sounds illogical but I think if being an escort is not his biggest issue then you may still have a chance.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right, trying is not doing and I should have learned this a long time ago but unfortunately I did not. He did tell my daughter this a long time ago and after reading your post to him he has to agree with what you have said. Ad for what bothers him, he said flip a coin from minute to minute it can change from one to the other.

I am not still an escort and I will never be that again, it wasn't my finest moment and should have got the help when he asked so it would have prevented me from doing it and possibly would have kept us on us. I can't tell you how I regret what I did but I know that will not make him forgive me, not again.


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

You are right and I should but after so long it's hard if not impossible to imagine not having him in my life, he is the only real person I have ever known and look at all the bad I have done and all the pain I have caused.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

You found a guy willing to be with you knowing all of this, and you spat it back at him? wow, just wow.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is what you need to do: you need to stop lying, stop doing bad things, cut out the friends who enabled this bad behavior, and start to fix your life. You need to let him make HIS OWN CHOICES.

If you pull the emotional blackmail 'oh...I can't do this without you. I'll DIE if you don't help me' schtick, you will damn yourself.

Love has a selfless element. What is best for him? Well, you want to believe a clean, sober, chaste you is best for him. He might not see it the same way.

Let's look at this litany:

You had restraining orders against one another

you hit him?

One or both of you were on drugs

You are rather unclear on how long you were an escort. From Nov 2011? This was a choice you made after he proposed to you?

Why was this more important than this man you say is incredibly important to you now that you are losing him?

You took him for granted. You treated him like dirt...and it sounds like he took his own shots too.

I encourage you to leave the lifestyle and be the best person you can be. Get counseling. People CAN change. But do it to be a better person. Don't pin your changes on the hope that he will come back.

He might not.

Good luck


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jail, domestic violence, mental hospitals, strip bars, escort service? I would forgive you but I'd flee from you like the devil, himself was chasing me. Sorry, but there's just more drama here than on Lifetime Channel.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Gone said:


> You are right and I should but after so long it's hard if not impossible to imagine not having him in my life, he is the only real person I have ever known and look at all the bad I have done and all the pain I have caused.


Yes, but why have this person in your life if all you do is hurt them? You will never make up for all the pain and betrayal you've caused him. 

Your relationship is extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy. It's best to part ways and wish him the best in life. 

Sometimes two people just aren't good for each other. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it's not enough.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe someday you can become a decent catch for someone. In your present configuration, you are a hot mess. Sorry to be blunt, I'm only responding to what you've written. If you cared even slightly for this guy, wouldn't you wish for him to have a little peace and happiness? I suspect what you seek is not forgiveness, but a continued relationship with this guy. If I knew I had hurt someone that much, I wouldn't allow them continue a relationship with me and I wouldn't consider another relationship until I got myself squared away.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry,but like all the other posters have said,There's not much
you can do.It's all up to him.

If you end up in court from arguing or
abuse then you never had a good relationship to begin with.
Add to this the escorting and lying and you have a very
disfunctional relationship.

If the roles where reversed and your husband did these things,
could you forgive him?

Work on improving yourself, and let him go.Hopefully in your
future you can find a guy who can deal with and accept
your past.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you love him? And why should he love you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have to know how to be happy alone before bringing someone else into your life.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

You say he was burned by a cheater ten years before meeting you?
And you have continued the process since meeting him and he forgives you?
Clearly the two of you were meant for each other.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't help but wonder why exactly he should think you've changed your spots?

You done hard drugs, you've pushed him away so you could explore your desire to be a professional escort instead of being with him.

Why now are you suddenly wanting him? Is it that your finding yourself less desired by others and you want to exercise your plan B white knight option?

Or is he moving on and you like have plan B around for when you want to use him.


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Sorry,but like all the other posters have said,There's not much
> you can do.It's all up to him.
> 
> If you end up in court from arguing or
> ...


I've tried to put myself in his shoes and I'd like to think I could forgive cause I do really care and have for so long I wouldn't want to loose that. Would it be easy, no! Time would be the key for me to understand all the reasons why but I wouldn't want to know everything cause I couldn't handle the details. The thoughts alone are bad enough.


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'm not trying to be harsh, or minimize your suffering, but this relationship has been over for years. Do yourselves a big favor and part ways. It sounds to me like you both need some profesional help with your particular problems. Is he still using drugs? If not, how long before he starts again... Are you still lying to him? If not, how long before he starts again... Get some help and break the cycles.


Maybe it has been over for years but we chose to work things out and have done so with only his family as help other then the one appointment we had since Oct 2011 and a few other sessions we had years ago which we mocked and really didn't get the help that we needed. 

Am I still lying... I have been trying to come clean about everything but my time frames have been off. I was an escort for only a couple days, I first told him it was toward the end of Feb 2011 but since I suppressed it which is something that I do with things that cause me pain it's hard to recall when it happened exactly when he first asked, I have since told him when it actually occurred cause I was able to dig it up and was able to give him the actual dates or within a couple days of when things did happen. 

I know that the only reason that I allowed myself to go thru with it was cause I was upset at what happened at the dr apt at the end of January 2011. I don't want to use that as a cop out for my choices but it is what made me run, it is what made me not go back to the dr when the dr and he asked me to, the fight we had Oct 2011 was bad and the dr appointment sent me over the edge. 

I believe that knowing that we just came to 1 year of it happening may have been the reason I chose to confess and stop lying about it. As you can see, I have some real issues with being honest cause I don't want to admit what I have done. 

All this has sent me into the deepest depression I have ever experienced, I don't even feel like there is a soul left in my body but I am not running like I had many times before when I was angry or something happened, I have come to face this and I am not allowing my mother to mess with my head this time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How long did you escort? How many men?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How long did you escort? How many men?


She said "only a couple of days" in February of last year. Did not state the number of men.


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

JCD said:


> Here is what you need to do: you need to stop lying, stop doing bad things, cut out the friends who enabled this bad behavior, and start to fix your life. You need to let him make HIS OWN CHOICES.
> 
> If you pull the emotional blackmail 'oh...I can't do this without you. I'll DIE if you don't help me' schtick, you will damn yourself.
> 
> ...


I put the restraining order on him and have obviously since removed it so that he doesn't have that to worry about and cause I wanted to be able to communicate with him and work this out, but your right it is his choice on if he wants to.

Our fight was really bad, the worst one I believe that we ever had. So I hope you can see why I was so distraught, after I was bonded out of jail like I said he said he said he could make it go away if I had just worked with him, which I know would have happened but we battled in court over everything instead. 

Drugs aren't the issue here! If we were drinking would you even be asking?? Yes we have had issues in the past but they are okay now. 

I was an escort for a couple days in Feb 2011.

After 7 years of being together the things that he did during the shock and awe campaign as I said weren't things that were done on a normal basis. It was the first movie we had ever gone to together. 

It wasn't more important than he. I lost my mind and being around it made it easier to make it happen. Had I just walked away from where I found myself it wouldn't have happened ever.

I did take most of the things that he did for granted and I did treat him badly and you are right he did take his own shots. 

I am not going to change on a hope that he will be able to forgive or come back, it's something that has been needed for a long time and no matter what he chooses I need to get my head on right cause I have hurt everyone that I ever cared about. Like I said I am just like my mother and look at how she has ruined me and I don't want to be me I hate me!


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## Gone (Mar 14, 2013)

illwill said:


> Why do you love him? And why should he love you?


I love him because of the incredible man that he is, all that he has been through in his life only made him that much stronger. He makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice and when he is near. He has values like no one I have ever known. He is respectful and has a real sense of knowing what he wants and does what he has to to get it. He can make things happen when there seems to be no one else that can. He is honest and straight forward he doesn't sugar coat anything which I respect but couldn't always handle as it was new to me. He is handsome has a great personality and a smile that can light up a room. He cares so much for the well being of others its amazing. There isn't a inch of him that I don't love, crazy as it may sound I love his back, his hands, his feet and he has the cutest butt..  He intrigues me and has a great mind he is always teaching me something new. He is so smart! I love the way that he makes me feel when he looks at me I feel as though he can see into my soul. He accepts me for who I really am or at least used to. He is an incredible man, we have so much fun when we are together even if it's just watching tv or sitting at the park or at the river we talk about everything and the conversations never get dull. He is interesting and comes up with strange things that only he and I understand like "crab pots". 

Why should he love me.... he shouldn't unless I change


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Gone said:


> I love him because of the incredible man that he is, all that he has been through in his life only made him that much stronger. He makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice and when he is near. He has values like no one I have ever known. He is respectful and has a real sense of knowing what he wants and does what he has to to get it. He can make things happen when there seems to be no one else that can. He is honest and straight forward he doesn't sugar coat anything which I respect but couldn't always handle as it was new to me. He is handsome has a great personality and a smile that can light up a room. He cares so much for the well being of others its amazing. There isn't a inch of him that I don't love, crazy as it may sound I love his back, his hands, his feet and he has the cutest butt..  He intrigues me and has a great mind he is always teaching me something new. He is so smart! I love the way that he makes me feel when he looks at me I feel as though he can see into my soul. He accepts me for who I really am or at least used to. He is an incredible man, we have so much fun when we are together even if it's just watching tv or sitting at the park or at the river we talk about everything and the conversations never get dull. He is interesting and comes up with strange things that only he and I understand like "crab pots".
> 
> Why should he love me.... he shouldn't unless I change


Until you can give a honest reason for him to risk his heart again you don't deserve him. Let him go. Change yourself and present yourself later as a better person. If it is meant to be, it will be, if not then the reward will be that you changed for yourself not for a man.


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