# Really need advice guys please help



## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Some of you may remember my first post about me and my wife getting being separated but we still are we have been making GREAT progress but we ran into a problem today. So we are separated and i know she hangs out with other guys from time to time i can honestly say i get most of her time. She wants me to show months of consistency until we decide to be back married. For the first couple weeks i was going along with it but now I’m starting to get frustrated 

I feel like if we mutually agree to try to fix our marriage you hanging out with other guys is only complicating things. Now I’ll be honest she was asleep i went through her phone. She likes one guy i can tell i know my wife. I known her since 2012. He just wants to have sex with her i can tell from how he talks. I feel as if he was. On same page as her she wouldn’t be trying to work out our marriage and I’ll be a think of the past . To be honest with myself i deserve to be thing of the past. I told her if we decide to get back i don’t want her talking to anybody she has had feelings for or anybody that has tried to be sexually with her. She has a problem with that she said she has boundaries and she will never cross them it’s just platonic . I feel as though platonic has to be mutually. If he is asking her for sexually favors that’s not the case so if we do get back why should you have any communication with him. She is really mad at me for bringing it up but i have to stand firm and put my foot down. Being in contact with somebody you have or had feelings for while married is just asking for disaster to happen. He shouldn’t mean that much to her that if her husband says if we decide to get together he has to be thing of past . I am not controlling and I’m truly ok with her having male friends if it’s strictly platonic but i feel like their situation isn’t . What do you guys think ?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Dude! Seriously...... In your last thread you said you cheated on her, were verbally abusive, lost your job, and even moved out yourself at one point.....I mean I'm surprised she wants anything to do with you. If you had been a standup guy I would say you might have a case for putting your foot down on "platonic" male friends, but in your case I really don't think you have any moral standing to make such demands.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you are unfortunately fooling yourself. Being "separated" is usually one partners free pass to start or restart an affair. The tone of your post kind
of sounds like your doing the "pick me" dance with her. Instead of telling her what her boundaries and choices need to be, you should define only your
own boundaries by your actions. I personally would stop offering any communication about what "we" need to do and move on with what "your" doing.
The more you chase her and she knows your "allowing" her to hang with male friends , the more she is losing respect for you and you are entering
the beta male territory. There was a post just recently about a guy that did exactly what you are doing .... they ended up together...it was a disaster.

I'm sure it's tough....try your best to come out as a dominant decisive man who takes action and has boundaries. Having her control your emotions is a losing battle.

EDIT: After reading Rhubarb's post....perhaps you are just a douche bag.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you are Plan B.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In your other thread you said you've only been married two years. Previously, you've cheated on her, which resulted in the birth of a child with your AP, verbally and emotionally abused her, were irresponsible and living with her parents, and that you two don't get along well because you're basically incompatible.

What the hell are you doing "separated"? Just end the farce and file for a divorce already. Yeesh.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> In your other thread you said you've only been married two years. Previously, you've cheated on her, which resulted in the birth of a child with your AP, verbally and emotionally abused her, were irresponsible and living with her parents, and that you two don't get along well because you're basically incompatible.
> 
> What the hell are you doing "separated"? Just end the farce and file for a divorce already. Yeesh.


Well she told me she wasn’t ready to give Up on our marriage and she wants to work things out if she didn’t i would have filed


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Even if you are a douche and she would be better off without you, I think both of you should adopt an "all-in or all-out" mentality.

Either you both fully commit to reconciling the marriage which means getting back under the same roof, no outside emotional/romantic/sexual associations with others, full commitment to MC etc etc -

Or you both tear off the Band Aid and carry on with your individual lives.

You are both doing yourselves a disservice by trying to do this dysfunctional hybrid of having one foot in and one foot out where you are basically doing tricks to prove your worthiness while she lives as a single woman.

If she isn't confident in your worthiness to be her husband, then cut the cord and each of you carry on with your lives.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

James01 said:


> Well she told me she wasn’t ready to give Up on our marriage and she wants to work things out if she didn’t i would have filed


So? So she said she's willing to work on it. So what? You know the marriage is a joke and that you two aren't compatible, so why drag this out? You cheated. She's currently cheating. You aren't compatible aside from that. As @oldshirt said, man, just rip off the band-aid.

If you decide not to take the advice to just divorce already, then you're going to have to insist you live under the same roof (not her parents) and she has to permanently end contact with the men she has been "friends" with.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a member of her harem? 

Get out and divorce her. Stop prolonging the inevitable. Get into some counseling and deal with your self destructive and abusive issues and make yourself into a decent man for a future woman. 

Stop this nonsense.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a member of her harem?
> 
> Get out and divorce her. Stop prolonging the inevitable. Get into some counseling and deal with your self destructive and abusive issues and make yourself into a decent man for a future woman.
> 
> Stop this nonsense.


I'm not sure he even qualifies as a harem-girl at the moment. 

He sounds like a regular orbiter trying to score some time,attention,approval and some poon from her while she dates and is courted by others. 

She has him doing the "Pick Me! Dance" along with the rest.

Both of them need to poop or get off the pot. 

All-in or all-out. 
@James01, do you want to be a married couple or do you want to be an orbiter doing the Pick Me Dance and doing tricks for her approval and amusement?

Give her the option of all- in or all-out. Either she reenters the marriage 100%, moves back in, commits to MC and dumps all her other suitors completely.

Or you divorce cleanly and each carry on as singles to your heart's content.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> > Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a member of her harem?
> ...



From my talks with her she said she just thinks it’s nothing wrong with having friends . I can honestly say she did text the guy and tell him She is not interested in th she is not interested in any physical or emotional relationship just want to be friends and hang out . But Idk it just rubs me wrong way


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> James01 said:
> 
> 
> > Well she told me she wasn’t ready to give Up on our marriage and she wants to work things out if she didn’t i would have filed
> ...



Yea we will see what happens thanks for your advice. I will have a long thought about what i need to do and see where it takes us


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

James01 said:


> From my talks with her she said she just thinks it’s nothing wrong with having friends . I can honestly say she did text the guy and tell him She is not interested in th she is not interested in any physical or emotional relationship just want to be friends and hang out . But Idk it just rubs me wrong way


Ok so that's what she 'said.'

Now ask yourself this - is there any guy on the planet that will just hang out and be friends with a woman and spend lots of his time and energy and money with her if there isn't any poon involved or the realistic potential for poon???

She may or may not be actively having sexual with anyone at this exact moment. But she is obviously keeping her options open and keeping men in her orbit.

That is her right and perogative as a single woman.

And she has the right and perogative to dump you and screw whoever she wants.

That is her right and you cannot control her.

The question you must determine for yourself. However is whether that is acceptable to you and whether you are willing to be one of her suitors and one of her orbiters or not. 

Are you willing to jump through hoops and perform tricks and do the Pick Me Dance in hopes that she eventually chooses you? 

If the answer is yes, then suck it up and dance harder.

If the answer is no then do the necessary paperwork yourself and move along with your own life.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> James01 said:
> 
> 
> > From my talks with her she said she just thinks it’s nothing wrong with having friends . I can honestly say she did text the guy and tell him She is not interested in th she is not interested in any physical or emotional relationship just want to be friends and hang out . But Idk it just rubs me wrong way
> ...


That is a good way to put it!!! Ima suck it up n just dance harder what ever i need to do, to get my family back


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

James01 said:


> That is a good way to put it!!! Ima suck it up n just dance harder what ever i need to do, to get my family back


Ok then, that is your choice. 

That means you are just going to be another one of her suitors vying for her affections.

In that case she will do whatever she wants and your really have no recourse or any say in what she does or who she spends time with, dates or has sex with. 

You don't have to like it and you can moan and groan and complain about it. 

But if you are accepting it and not doing anything about it, then that is how it is going to be.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Ok so that's what she 'said.'
> 
> Now ask yourself this - is there any guy on the planet that will just hang out and be friends with a woman and spend lots of his time and energy and money with her if there isn't any poon involved or the realistic potential for poon???


Sure, there are women I like to spend time with that I wouldn't [email protected]!. When I was single there were others I would spend time with and would if it seemed natural. I don't really spend a lot of money on my friends, but unless I missed something we don't know that these guys are spending money on her. Also, unless I missed something, the only thing we have that these guys are anything but friends is the suspicions of OP, whose judgement is suspect.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Sure, there are women I like to spend time with that I wouldn't [email protected]!. When I was single there were others I would spend time with and would if it seemed natural. I don't really spend a lot of money on my friends, but unless I missed something we don't know that these guys are spending money on her. Also, unless I missed something, the only thing we have that these guys are anything but friends is the suspicions of OP, whose judgement is suspect.


Fair enough. You are an exception. 

But I am speaking in generalities and talking about the other 99% of men.

Also The OP has mentioned he has cheated on her and mistreated her etc in the past. In other words he is kind of a snake. 

There for I trust his judgement when it comes to spotting other snakes.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Fair enough. You are an exception.
> 
> But I am speaking in generalities and talking about the other 99% of men.
> 
> ...


I think your 99% figure is very inflated. I can only speak for myself with surety, but I have a lot of women friends and, if neither I weren't married, I wouldn't be interested in sleeping with them. I have a low sociosexuality orientation (desire for sex outside of a committed relationship). 

As for the OP and his WW, I agree with you to the extent that they are too far removed from my life experience to have anything productive to say for them. I haven't the slightest clue how a cheater with a cheating wife should expect her to behave. Maybe he's good at spotting snakes or maybe he's just projecting his tendencies onto others.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Fair enough. You are an exception.
> 
> But I am speaking in generalities and talking about the other 99% of men.
> 
> ...


Because being sleazy makes you wise? 

I'm more of the belief that those who can't be trusted, cannot trust. Those who wouldn't honor trust can't believe that anyone else would.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

FalCod said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > Fair enough. You are an exception.
> ...



I have cheated in the past and yes i have had a hard time being friends with females n past and you’re right i am prolly projecting everything . I didn’t even respond when he said she’s cheating because she’s not .. i was being childish going thru her phone but i seen her tell guys she’s Married and had boundaries. So if they can’t just kick it as friends then she’s cool with that. I seen her tell all her female Bestfriend’s she hopes i keep changing because she wants her. Family back and it’s her main focus she said she’s just want me to show months of consistency because in the past i made her think i changed and went back to my old days ... i honestly dont like her spending ANY time with males it just rubs me wrong way but i know it’s rare because she is with me and the kids. Majority of time. I really messed up but me being rock bottom has me taking a step back and see what’s really important in life . I’m going to keep trying to change not for my wife only but more so for myself and my children


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Because being sleazy makes you wise?
> 
> I'm more of the belief that those who can't be trusted, cannot trust. Those who wouldn't honor trust can't believe that anyone else would.


This topic would probably make it's own interesting thread. 

There are a number of ways one can look at this. 

I do not think being sleazy makes anyone wise per se, but I do believe in the old adage, "it takes one to know one." 

If there are a number of people inside a bank and one of them is casing the joint to plan a bank robbery, who is going to be able to pick up on and spot them first? A daycare provider who is depositing a check ......... or another bank robber? 

I do believe it is fact that cheaters are often some of the most suspicious and paranoid people out there. In fact I think that irrational suspiciousness and jealousy and controlling behavior is an actual sign that someone may be a cheater themselves. 

But I do think that someone that has a cheat'n heart and a predator mentality themselves is going to be much better able to spot potential cheating behavior than someone who is completely pure and innocent.

Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't actually out to get you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> This topic would probably make it's own interesting thread.
> 
> There are a number of ways one can look at this.
> 
> ...


Considering how many spectacularly dumb criminals there are, I'm going to say the daycare provider.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Considering how many spectacularly dumb criminals there are, I'm going to say the daycare provider.


It's the dumb ones that can't keep from getting caught. 

I still think there are many times that someone who has evil in their own heart is better able to see someone else with the same hole in their heart. Cheaters can often spot each other across a crowded room like a drug dog sniffing an old joint in the bottom of a dirty old couch. 

People that are truly good in their heart and soul often have trouble seeing the evil in others. 

Since they would never think to cheat, they don't think their spouse spending hours and hours consoling an attractive coworker after hours alone at their house into the wee hours of the night is anything to be concerned with. They think they are doing a good deed in helping someone going through a hard time.

The cheater with the cheating heart and predator instinct knows better.


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