# Is unhappiness reason enough?



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

Firstly, my husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 8, have two beautiful children and have had good years. I'm 27, him 30. I am unhappy. It has been progressively worse starting about 3 years ago. It got to the point where my once loving almost annoyingly so husband became miserable to live with. It got the worst when I went back to work and he had to start taking care of the kids more, and helping more with housework. I begged him to go to a counselor, he refused, stated he knew his problem was his job and the area we lived (military so we move often) and figured once we moved he'd be better. I tried, I really did, but he was gone, done, was set in his mind set. I stopped trying, threw myself into my job, and my children. We became roommates. Our once fantastic sex life became sparser and sparser, I felt obligated to sleep with him as he is my husband but I no longer wanted to. I found myself avoiding him, avoiding getting dressed in front of him as I was scared he'd try to have sex with me. We finally moved away and he is happy now, I am still not. I'm miserable, we have reversed roles, except I put up with him for years and he forced me to go to a counselor after a few months (called and set up appointments w/out my approval). I finally had the courage to tell him I was done, I feel extremely selfish but I'm so unhappy and no longer feel attracted towards him. He has started being loving, overly so, begging for us to work it out, finally agreeing to marriage counseling, quitting tobacco, drinking and wants me to stay. The only thing keeping me is our children, I'm scared that a split would hurt them. We've had one session that was not fruitful. My question for all is unhappiness reason enough? I feel me wanting to be happy is so selfish, divorce is so hard for all involved. I know this is a long post but it's still just skims the surface...


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

He called my primary doctor, got referrals and everything without discussing with me first. Set up appointments on my days off, told me he wouldn't stop until I went because I "need medicine". I went finally just to appease and stop the constant badgering, figured it might actually help. I agree there's no "forcing" one to go. It was just all the more upsetting as I had asked him to go multiple times over the years when he was in a bad place and he never considered it but I say I'm sad and he wants me medicated immediately.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jescharmac said:


> Firstly, my husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 8, have two beautiful children and have had good years. I'm 27, him 30. I am unhappy. It has been progressively worse starting about 3 years ago. It got to the point where my once loving almost annoyingly so husband became miserable to live with. It got the worst when I went back to work and he had to start taking care of the kids more, and helping more with housework. I begged him to go to a counselor, he refused, stated he knew his problem was his job and the area we lived (military so we move often) and figured once we moved he'd be better. I tried, I really did, but he was gone, done, was set in his mind set. I stopped trying, threw myself into my job, and my children. We became roommates. Our once fantastic sex life became sparser and sparser, I felt obligated to sleep with him as he is my husband but I no longer wanted to. I found myself avoiding him, avoiding getting dressed in front of him as I was scared he'd try to have sex with me. We finally moved away and he is happy now, I am still not. I'm miserable, we have reversed roles, except I put up with him for years and he forced me to go to a counselor after a few months (called and set up appointments w/out my approval). I finally had the courage to tell him I was done, I feel extremely selfish but I'm so unhappy and no longer feel attracted towards him. He has started being loving, overly so, begging for us to work it out, finally agreeing to marriage counseling, quitting tobacco, drinking and wants me to stay. The only thing keeping me is our children, I'm scared that a split would hurt them. We've had one session that was not fruitful. My question for all is unhappiness reason enough? I feel me wanting to be happy is so selfish, divorce is so hard for all involved. I know this is a long post but it's still just skims the surface...


Jescharmac, it seems like salt in the wound when someone only changes after you've given up and become indifferent. It leaves you wondering why they didn't change before. But that's our psychology isn't it. It's why he's changing now and trying harder. It's the thing that makes him seem less desirable to you because he seems scared and insecure now (not attractive traits). That's because he is scared and insecure. So you can help him get his sh!t back together or you can pull away and let someone else get a better version of him. The question is whether you think he can be the man you want him to be or not.


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

That's true, It does feel very, "too late" and where were you months ago. I'm trying to not be so resentful but it's hard where he doesn't validate my feelings. I feel like I HAVE to make it work, with the children, but the want to make it work is not there. My heart isn't fully in the counseling, I know that's on me.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest you give counseling a chance. If it doesn't help you feel differently or give you ideas or motivation to find ways to improve things - if they can be - then you can leave knowing you at least tried.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Well to me it seems that he held up the end of his promise. He changed once you moved. I also believe that there is more to this story, or not enough info to truly understand what have happened. Was he abusive, called you names, disrespect you? I think you need to openly talk with him about his past behavior, and explain that due to this, you need some time to get back to usual you, and sort of "fall back in love with him".


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The thing that couples who have been married 50 years or longer have in common is they didn't get divorced. All of them went through drama. Any other guy (or gal) is going to come with drama, too. You've got 10 years and a couple kids invested with this one. At 27, you've got loads of time ahead of you. You might give this counseling thing a seriously honest try. If you've done all you possibly can and you still can't hang, at least you'll know you gave it your best. Just bear in mind that the next guy could have drama and quirks that make this one look pretty good. There are lots of very strange characters out here. The one you currently have isn't cooking meth, having sex with your kids, doing time, doing your sister, beating you, or collecting body parts from strangers in your basement. Life might not be entirely Disney World right now, but it could always be worse.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jes,

Clearly you are understandably hurt, angry and unhappy. 

Is your happiness trend line for the marriage:
- Flat
- Worsening
- Improving

If it's improving, perhaps you might give it 3 months. In the meantime I actually think it's ok to say: I don't really love you right now, I am still here, solely due to commitment at this point. Hopefully that will change over time. 





Jescharmac said:


> That's true, It does feel very, "too late" and where were you months ago. I'm trying to not be so resentful but it's hard where he doesn't validate my feelings. I feel like I HAVE to make it work, with the children, but the want to make it work is not there. My heart isn't fully in the counseling, I know that's on me.


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

Thanks everyone, it's nice to have an outside listening ear. I hate bringing up the past, and many of the times he hurt me were unintentional. He does have anger outbursts, will go "into cadence" with the kids over little things that kids do like accidents. He scares them but has never laid a hand on them. When he got back this last time, 2 years ago, they found his testosterone levels were low and started him on replacement and I feel that's made his moods worse, but he feels better with it, isn't as tired and what not, but I'm walking on eggshells. When we were at our last duty station he was just miserable to live with, always angry, putting me down, complaining about me working, about having to take more responsibility with the kids. 
We both have things to work on, I'm not perfect either. I should have been more clear about my misgivings earlier, I should have pressed harder for my needs and maybe we could've headed this off before it got this bad but I didn't. Instead I drew back, closed off to protect myself but in doing so hurts us. I do agree with you all that I should at least try the counseling for a few months and either things get better or at least we tried. My concern there is I feel I have done to well of a job building up the walls, that maybe my heart is to hardened to let him back in despite his best efforts.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

When one partner in the marriage is dead to he other, then the marriage is dead. Trying to "show" how you will be different to the dead spouse will likely not work. Of course, I've never seen it in action. I've just seen infidelity and unhappiness. I have never seen reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

I guess that's my worry. Too far gone to come back. I'm giving the counseling a try but unsure what the future holds.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's still a decent chance of saving this family. It requires lots of education from a professional therapist, lots of HOMEWORK on both your parts, and a commitment to not walk away for at least 6 months (just my opinion). You guys were crazy about you at one time, right? Just tells me that you both have a lot of resentment between you, a lot of things that need to be discussed in front of therapist, you need to start being honest with each other about EVERYthing, and most especially, you need to learn a LOT about boundaries and consequences. The things you describe can be fixed with those boundaries and consequences.

You can find tons of information about boundaries and consequences. Like this: Boundaries Help Overcome the Victim Mentality | Verbal Abuse in Relationships - HealthyPlace


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

Thanks, will definitely read it!


----------



## Jescharmac (Jul 10, 2015)

We are doing an in home separation. Hoping the time apart will give us time to work on ourselves and then we will reevaluate us in 90 days. The constant pressure of him trying to prove his love was exhausting and just pushing me further away. He has finally agreed to see his own counselor along with us seeing the marriage counselor and me seeing one individually as well. Getting the separation was what I felt we needed from the beginning , allow us to get some distance but he's an all or nothing guy. It wasn't until his counselor and the marriage counselor pointed out how unfair it was to have it be all or nothing in something so serious. Here's to hoping some time can get us in a better place.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just curious - I understand that you are not attracted to your husband anymore - is there anyone else that you are attracted to at the moment ?


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Jes Sorry for what you're in. Is unhappiness reason enough? Sure you cant spend the rest of ur life unhappy but you do owe it to your kids to try everything u can. Where you have 2 or more people someone is going to be unhappy but if you are the one who is always unhappy there is a greater problem. I would hate to see you leave him and end up with someone worse and there are plenty of them out there. My biggest question is this an internal unhappiness (depression to be treated) or external (his or ur behavior which can be changed) Give the counseling a try then make ur decision. I wish you and urs the best


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm going to be the oddball responder here. Love and marriage is a commitment, not a feeling and being happy or unhappy with it is a choice. No one can control your feelings but you. It took me a while to realize this, but it really is that basic. In my opinion, physical abuse or cheating are the only grounds for divorce, "for better or for worse" are in the marriage vows for a reason, even though most could care less.
I don't agree with going behind your back with making appointments for you, that is wrong.
It sounds like you've already convinced yourself to be unhappy, no matter what improvements he is trying to make. Like I said, I'm the odd ball here, most divorce as soon as the road gets bumpy, but commitment means more than that to me, even if it is only one sided.

Just don't fool yourself into thinking that leaving will suddenly turn on the "happy" button, because it won't!!


----------

