# Painful Sex after Childbirth



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Hey all! Not sure if anyone remembers me, I've been MIA because things have been going well and I had a baby! The forum is so different now... I don't like it. It also seems like a lot of people left.

Anyway. As if an ironic cruel joke our sex life was doing great after all these years! Then we decided to start a family, I had a terrible pregnancy with all the bad side effects, followed by a wonderful and short unmedicated labor and delivery. Everything was great except I tore internally, way back in my vaginal canal, like a lot. I think it was close to 30 sutures... Of course postpartum everything hurt but I figured it was normal until you healed. Then weeks went by, and then months... And now I am 3 months out and my vagina is still damaged. 

There is so much internal pain that it can hurt just sitting or stretching sometimes. We have not been able to have intercourse successfully and I can't say it feels like anything is getting better. I mean literally that sticking something in my vagina hurts SO bad! It feels like I am being cut, or going to rip open. I instantly start bawling and shaking uncontrollably. I am NOT a wuss with pain, like I had an unmedicated delivery and it didn't cause me as much anxiety as this does. I tried to grit my teeth and fight through it because basically the only way it is going to get better is if it gets stretched back out. So we have attempted intercourse multiple times. My husband always makes us stop after a couple minutes and it's a terrible experience. I honestly think it is giving me PTSD because now just thinking about sex can cause me to be nauseous or afraid and start shaking. 

I went to the DR and got checked and they said everything visible is healed but I probably have muscle damage. So they referred me to a pelvic floor therapist. Well of course they aren't taking clients because of the stupid quarantine so she gave me an exercise to try at home. I need help from my husband and we tried it one time but he made us stop. Because he thinks it is mentally damaging me and I am going to equate sex with pain and I don't think he is wrong. 

THIS IS TERRIBLE. I want sex so bad. Like I think about it all day, but if we try it ends in tears and shaking and frustration. Of course it's not great for my husband either to feel like he is causing me so much pain and not exactly sexy when I'm bawling and trying not to throw up. So I can't get excited about it anymore, and when husband makes a pass at me I instantly start dreading it and worry. Then I can't get into the mood and I lay there like a dead fish with my eyes closed and trying not to freak out and run while he tries to start foreplay. It doesn't help that we have a new baby and she often cries during sex so we don't get to relax and take our time, and of course she can't go to a babysitter because of the stupid quarantine. 

This is makes us both just avoid the subject of sex and each other. Which is terribly sad. We are both horny and love and want sex but also don't. If that makes sense. I am beginning to get short and snippy with him because I am frustrated about it and it is in no way fair to him or his fault. He has been incredibly gentle and good to me. But I have no idea what to do. Every time we try it is longer until he initiates again because I know he feels like he is hurting me. 

Externally it is sore/sensitive but bearable. I can still have orgasms. But I am sick and tired of blow jobs, and hand jobs, and I just want the D you know? It was my favorite part of sex and the thought of intercourse being painful forever is seriously making me depressed and angry. That on top of the quarantine blues and postpartum hormones and I feel myself slipping down a dark hole. Last night we were watching a TV show that had some sexual jokes and it made me really upset. I don't want to go back to the dark days of sex we used to have. I can't and I won't. We were finally healed and had a great sex life, and now I can see those terrible feelings creeping back in. 

Has anyone experienced this? How can I possibly stretch myself back out without causing permanent mental damage? Has anyone had this heal on it's own over time?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Has anyone experienced this? How can I possibly stretch myself back out without causing permanent mental damage? Has anyone had this heal on it's own over time?


My wife had a similar issue. She tore everywhere (inside and outside). It was horrible. She was in excruciating 24/7 pain for 3 months. She couldn't sit or move without crying from the pain, and she has a very high pain tolerance. The daily pain didn't stop until a year post-partum, and it was another couple years before sex stopped hurting. She kept having random nerve pain for years (she tore straight up, so...). The sex didn't stop hurting until she saw a pelvic floor physiotherapist. For her, that stopped the pain and tearing during intercourse. 

Honestly, as much as it sucks, I would just wait until the quarantine is over and things open back up. As much as this time sucks, forcing it can do more harm than good and 3 months postpartum really isn't that long. 

I'll be honest, that whole period ruined my sex drive. My advice would be to stop with intercourse for now, until you do see that physiotherapist (who should also be telling you to stop having intercourse for now, based in my experience), but keep doing other things for him. I know it sucks, but do what you can and enjoy it - it's temporary. What killed it for me was my wife being in pain, and her turning around and wanting absolutely nothing (no touching, no oral, no cuddling even).


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi!

* Waves madly * 

Argh, sorry you are going through this. Just do keep up with the"other stuff" until you can hopefully resolve this.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

OP, are you breastfeeding? Because that alone can affect your hormones and make sex painful aside from the internal damage you suffered. I know when I was breastfeeding, sex was painful because I was so dry down there. I agree that you shouldn't continue to try intercourse for now, but perhaps you could experiment a little with lube and have your husband stimulate you gently with his fingers to see if that causes you pain. 
Good luck to you and congrats on the baby!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

bobert said:


> My wife had a similar issue. She tore everywhere (inside and outside). It was horrible. She was in excruciating 24/7 pain for 3 months. She couldn't sit or move without crying from the pain, and she has a very high pain tolerance. The daily pain didn't stop until a year post-partum, and it was another couple years before sex stopped hurting. She kept having random nerve pain for years (she tore straight up, so...). The sex didn't stop hurting until she saw a pelvic floor physiotherapist. For her, that stopped the pain and tearing during intercourse.
> 
> Honestly, as much as it sucks, I would just wait until the quarantine is over and things open back up. As much as this time sucks, forcing it can do more harm than good and 3 months postpartum really isn't that long.
> 
> I'll be honest, that whole period ruined my sex drive. My advice would be to stop with intercourse for now, until you do see that physiotherapist (who should also be telling you to stop having intercourse for now, based in my experience), but keep doing other things for him. I know it sucks, but do what you can and enjoy it - it's temporary. What killed it for me was my wife being in pain, and her turning around and wanting absolutely nothing (no touching, no oral, no cuddling even).


Thank you for the input.

That is what I was/am afraid of. A year+ of pain and healing...

Husband is also wanting to stop trying any intercourse until I can get help. He thinks we are both going to get PTSD from it, but dang. It just sucks and I don't want to.  We have so much past damage and mental hangups that we overcame about sex, now it seems like we are going to have to start all over again. 

Just thinking about a year or more of painful or no intercourse is making me cry.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Hi!
> 
> * Waves madly *
> 
> Argh, sorry you are going through this. Just do keep up with the"other stuff" until you can hopefully resolve this.


Nice to "see" you again.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> OP, are you breastfeeding? Because that alone can affect your hormones and make sex painful aside from the internal damage you suffered. I know when I was breastfeeding, sex was painful because I was so dry down there. I agree that you shouldn't continue to try intercourse for now, but perhaps you could experiment a little with lube and have your husband stimulate you gently with his fingers to see if that causes you pain.
> Good luck to you and congrats on the baby!


Yes I am breastfeeding and plan to for a year probably. We always use lube so I don't think it's a dryness issue but I know the hormones can affect you too.

The therapist wants my husband to use his fingers to stretch me gently every day. But it still causes extreme pain and crying and like I said we only tried it once. I don't think my husband likes me to equate his touch with pain. Honestly I'm too scared to do it myself and I can't get a good angle. So 🤷‍♀️ I'm not sure how I am going to do the exercises even when I finally get to go to a therapist. I can't even do the first thing she told us to do.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes, i remember you.

my wife had a severe case of endometriosis which needed surgery. after surgery, the dr. said no intercourse for 3-6 months. so, to be safe, we went 6 months without. she would often ask me if i wanted a hand job, but i just wasn't interested. once in a while, I would play with her and she liked it, but mostly, we did without. 

during this interm, i was worried that she would be 'ruined', meaning that intercourse would be forever painful, or that she would lose her sensitivity because she loved intercourse.

the good news was that after 6 months, we tried it and it went great. that was about a year ago, and she's back to her old self and loving sex. the only residual is that she is drier and we need to use lube after the first go around. our patience paid off.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I've not been known to be a patient person or a nice person while going without sex. 😅

Also I fear if we don't have some sort of intimacy my husband's drive will dry up and he will never get it back.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Thank you for the input.
> 
> That is what I was/am afraid of. A year+ of pain and healing...
> 
> ...


The good thing though is that it can get better. For my wife, the physiotherapist helped a TON. She regrets not doing it sooner (waited FAR longer than you have), so for you, it could help a lot sooner. 



TheCuriousWife said:


> The therapist wants my husband to use his fingers to stretch me gently every day. But it still causes extreme pain and crying and like I said we only tried it once. I don't think my husband likes me to equate his touch with pain. Honestly I'm too scared to do it myself and I can't get a good angle. So 🤷‍♀️ I'm not sure how I am going to do the exercises even when I finally get to go to a therapist. I can't even do the first thing she told us to do.


For those appointments, the physiotherapist will show you AND your husband (yes, he should go) how to do this stuff. She will also do them for you, and you can go as often as you need to. Some women went daily for a quick appointment, just to have that done. My wife couldn't do them herself (and I didn't help), only the physiotherapist did, and it still fixed the pain and stretching issue.

So don't think that you are doomed. It's hard, especially when you haven't had the physiotherapist show you want to do. Be kind to yourself.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

My mental state is not good and is all over the place. Like I'll cry because I want intercourse, then I'll cry because I'm scared it's going to hurt. But I'll also cry thinking about only being able to do blow jobs or hand jobs and I kind of resent that. I don't even know what I want. lol.

Being locked in the house with a new baby 24/7 isn't helping. I'm risk high for Covid because of my heart and lung issues so I am not going out at all. bah hum bug


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

bobert said:


> The good thing though is that it can get better. For my wife, the physiotherapist helped a TON. She regrets not doing it sooner (waited FAR longer than you have), so for you, it could help a lot sooner.
> 
> For those appointments, the physiotherapist will show you AND your husband (yes, he should go) how to do this stuff. She will also do them for you, and you can go as often as you need to. Some women went daily for a quick appointment, just to have that done. My wife couldn't do them herself (and I didn't help), only the physiotherapist did, and it still fixed the pain and stretching issue.
> 
> So don't think that you are doomed. It's hard, especially when you haven't had the physiotherapist show you want to do. Be kind to yourself.


Thank you! You are giving me a little hope.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I do not have any advice regarding sex, but I would just love to say CONGRATULATIONS Curious on the new baby! I am so very happy for you and your husband.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes I am breastfeeding and plan to for a year probably. We always use lube so I don't think it's a dryness issue but I know the hormones can affect you too.
> 
> The therapist wants my husband to use his fingers to stretch me gently every day. But it still causes extreme pain and crying and like I said we only tried it once. I don't think my husband likes me to equate his touch with pain. Honestly I'm too scared to do it myself and I can't get a good angle. So 🤷‍♀️ I'm not sure how I am going to do the exercises even when I finally get to go to a therapist. I can't even do the first thing she told us to do.


They make dilator kits for women with vaginismus, to slowly make the vagina comfortable with her phallic visitor. Perhaps that would be of use to you? I would of course recommend consulting a professional, like that pelvic floor physiotherapist, before commissioning the use of such a kit. Perhaps there are physiotherapists online that you can ask? Or call one in another state/area?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey sweetie! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm not an expert on vaginas, I'm still trying to figure out Mrs. Conan's, but I'm just giving emotional support.

I pray you and your good husband weather this storm and come through stronger than ever together.

I can empathize with you because I love oral, both giving and receiving, but I would go a little bonkers without being able to really give it to my lady.

I've got to believe this crisis will be resolved sooner than later and you can get the attention you need to recover your mojo!

Congratulations on your baby! I'm really happy for you!


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## CRVDriver (Oct 31, 2019)

My wife had something similar - turns out it was a badly healed episiotomy scar. I'll try to be brief & direct, but it just about ruined out marriage, so I may run on explaining it. 

2nd child born 29 years ago. Standard (for then, less now) episiotomy. stitched up after delivery. After a couple weeks wife was still in pain, called Drs. office and mentioned it, but the nurse (or whoever it was) basically responded with 'some pain is to be expected' & didn't communicate anything to the Dr. Wife suffered thru it, and when we were cleared for relations she tried valiantly. But 3-1/2 years later she couldn't stand it anymore and told me that every act of intercourse was like have a knife jabbed into her, and she couldn't go on without telling me. She'd kept hoping it would get better, but it didn't. 

Got an appointment with same OB/GYN, with me in the room, discussed the issue, he did an exam and when he touched the place where her episiotomy was she practically jumped off the exam table!!!!! 

Yup, scar tissue, she'd developed a bit of infection in the suture area, and the scar tissue was unresilient and extremely tender. 

There was relief; doc. referred her to a specialist who specialised in such things; the very very simplistic version is a few injections of a cocktail of ummm (sorry, now I forget) something like lidocaine and steroids. Steroids dissolved the scar tissue but the lidocaine provided pain relief. 

Even now, 29 years later I want to throttle that office person who pushed off my wife's complaint. I hope that's not too graphic & descriptive for the forum. 

So. Something to check out. Did you have an episiotomy? (IMNTBHO, one of the most useless, no make that one fo the worst most damaging things to do to a body)( What about the Hippocratic oath? "First, do no harm".) A common rationalization for episiotomy is that it 'prevents further tearing of the flesh' But in my layman's view, it's like starting a rib in a piece of cloth and thinking that will prevent further tearing when more pressure is put on the fabric. 

OK, I think my rant is over.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

So glad to read you have a healthy baby. So sorry to read about the painful sex. I hope you find some medical treatment so you can saddle up again!.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

CRVDriver said:


> So. Something to check out. Did you have an episiotomy? (IMNTBHO, one of the most useless, no make that one fo the worst most damaging things to do to a body)( What about the Hippocratic oath? "First, do no harm".) A common rationalization for episiotomy is that it 'prevents further tearing of the flesh' But in my layman's view, it's like starting a rib in a piece of cloth and thinking that will prevent further tearing when more pressure is put on the fabric.
> 
> OK, I think my rant is over.


It might make you feel better to know that most doctors do not do routine episiotomies anymore. They are done only in very specific cases and not very often. I am an L&D nurse and I can't tell you the last time I saw one done.

@TheCuriousWife,

I had something similar as well after the birth of my first child. I did not heal properly and sex was painful for a long time, not to the extreme that you have, but basically until my second child was born. I tore again with her and they were able to repair it and remove the damaging scar tissue at the same time. I've been fine since then. 

I think continued work with the pelvic floor therapist will help. I also think your husband should continue to try to help in the meantime while you wait for the office to open back up. He can start off much lighter and less invasive than he initially did so using generous amounts of coconut oil. Have him start by just touching the outside of your vulva. Do an entire couple of sessions where he does not even attempt to insert a finger, he just lightly massages the outside. I think some of what's happening to you know is complete fear of the pain so you tense up as soon as you're touched. If you know he's not going to go inside it might help relax you and a few sessions of him touching you without hurting you will help him as well. Then he can start with his smallest finger for a session, insert it gently and massage the area very lightly. If you can't even stand that, go get a second opinion from another gyn.

As much as I'm sure you're dying for intercourse, I think it's important to continue some sexual contact with your husband while you work on this problem. Not having sex now will just lead to not having sex later. 

I wish you good luck!!! Congratulations on the birth of your baby...I know it's a trying time right now but this too shall pass. I promise.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks for all the encouragement and tips guys!

In a surprising turn of events we have actually been able to have intercourse twice!!  (Maybe I just needed to post and complain for it magically to improve, ha)

We decided to give it one last go before we stopped trying intercourse until I could get in with the therapist and for some reason it hurt just enough less for me to get through it. Maybe it was just sheer willpower since I didn't want to give up sex? lol. Still extremely painful, had to go very very slow and gentle and take tylenol afterwards but at least we did it! Waited a few days to heal and tried again successfully. There were a couple moments when I thought I couldn't stand it anymore but I powered through. I didn't even cry which was a first! Lots of just sitting there breathing until I calmed down and relaxed. My poor husband is a saint. 

In no way would I say it is normal, or even enjoyable. I still have to talk myself out of panicking from the pain, and it is causing some bleeding, but I am hopeful that we can continue working towards improvement. The second time hurt less afterwards, the first time I could barely walk. Also maybe TMI but husband said it felt slightly roomier the second time. So that's progress I guess. At minimum it was a confidence booster and lessened my anxiety about the pain. 

We will continue to take things slow and attempt the exercises we were given until I can get to a therapist in person.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

CRVDriver said:


> My wife had something similar - turns out it was a badly healed episiotomy scar. I'll try to be brief & direct, but it just about ruined out marriage, so I may run on explaining it.
> 
> 2nd child born 29 years ago. Standard (for then, less now) episiotomy. stitched up after delivery. After a couple weeks wife was still in pain, called Drs. office and mentioned it, but the nurse (or whoever it was) basically responded with 'some pain is to be expected' & didn't communicate anything to the Dr. Wife suffered thru it, and when we were cleared for relations she tried valiantly. But 3-1/2 years later she couldn't stand it anymore and told me that every act of intercourse was like have a knife jabbed into her, and she couldn't go on without telling me. She'd kept hoping it would get better, but it didn't.
> 
> ...


No episiotomy just lots and lots of natural tearing. My baby came quick. 

I did go and get examined. I also about jumped off the table. And even worse is that they did a pap smear at the same time and then accidentally threw away the sample while talking to me so they had to do it TWICE.  I thought I was going to pass out. They assured me everything looks great and the issue is a combination of scar tissue that is not stretchy and muscle damage. Basically going to have to work and stretch it back out with time and a therapist.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> I think continued work with the pelvic floor therapist will help. I also think your husband should continue to try to help in the meantime while you wait for the office to open back up. He can start off much lighter and less invasive than he initially did so using generous amounts of coconut oil. Have him start by just touching the outside of your vulva. Do an entire couple of sessions where he does not even attempt to insert a finger, he just lightly massages the outside. I think some of what's happening to you know is complete fear of the pain so you tense up as soon as you're touched. If you know he's not going to go inside it might help relax you and a few sessions of him touching you without hurting you will help him as well. Then he can start with his smallest finger for a session, insert it gently and massage the area very lightly. If you can't even stand that, go get a second opinion from another gyn.
> 
> As much as I'm sure you're dying for intercourse, I think it's important to continue some sexual contact with your husband while you work on this problem. Not having sex now will just lead to not having sex later.
> 
> I wish you good luck!!! Congratulations on the birth of your baby...I know it's a trying time right now but this too shall pass. I promise.


We are using lots of coconut oil and did only external touching a couple times so we had fun without pain. It definitely helped to be able to relax a bit. 

Fingers are painful but in a different way. They don't put that pressure of fullness so it's not excruciating like intercourse is, but still sharp pain. We need to keep working on that and stretching things out. Which is what the therapist wants us to do. Good ideas!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you should get another opinion from another Doctor about it. My wife tore with our first but no where near as bad as you. It took about six month for the pain during intercourse to stop all together. Also she wasn’t feeling the amount of pain it sounds like you are.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Like someone else mentioned, I’d try to find a specialist that would consult with you online. Perhaps limited in what care can be provided remotely, but I’d guess one could offer you at least some guidance and perspective.


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