# I Still Want to Try Again



## HiMaint57

I've posted before -- my ex and I are now divorced and in the middle of an annulment. We were married 37 years.

I want to cancel the annulment and try marriage with him again. We have grandchildren and I've always looked forward to enjoying them with him. I have so many good memories of our married life before things went downhill. We are both in our early 60's with no romantic prospects on the horizon (I thought he would marry the woman he had an EA with, but he says he has no plans to do that). I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I dream about him most nights -- that we interact like we used to when times are good -- and I dream about intimacy (we haven't had any type of intimacy in 12 years -- he has said he hasn't "gotten any" from anyone else). In short, I can't accept the ending of our relationship. We have been together over half my life, and he feels like part of me.

Most importantly, I've realized the main contributions I made to the demise of our relationship and have resolved not to repeat them:

- I had a terrible body image and often refused intimacy because of it
- I frequently reviewed past events and what I did/shouldn't have done
- I took him for granted and didn't appreciate him
- I was very demanding and I took my frustrations out on him
- I was a chronic complainer

I tell him all these things, and he either doesn't respond or says that our divorce was final 10 months ago. I text him, but anytime I get into trying again, he doesn't answer. He also says that it's possible that he never loved me. I love him with all that I have. Besides, at our age and beyond, I feel love is a choice. I don't see myself as ever having another romantic relationship, partially because I don't feel I deserve it after messing up our marriage.

Does anyone have any insight into why he won't at least give marriage another try? I know many of you will think I'm an idiot, and I'm prepared for that.


----------



## minimalME

I commend you for wanting to mend your marriage. I really do.

But what's so, very sad to me is that _during the marriage_, people refuse to do the work in real time, when the problems come up.

You're too tired, you don't want to talk about it, there's always tomorrow, being immature, mean, spiteful, lazy, etc.

And then, 20, 30, 40 years down the road, the other person has had enough and would rather be alone than with a dispassionate partner.

I don't know you, but I'm thinking that he probably gave your marriage lots of tries. And nothing changed. Nothing improved. There was no growth.

And now he's done.


----------



## Mr. Nail

HiMaint57 said:


> Does anyone have any insight into why he won't at least give marriage another try? I know many of you will think I'm an idiot, and I'm prepared for that.


My best bet as to the answer to this question is summed up in these 2 points.



HiMaint57 said:


> - I had a terrible body image and often refused intimacy because of it
> I don't feel I deserve it.


He is tired of being the only person who loved you. It's hard to hear the person you are crazy about tear themselves down every conversation. The EA was probably reactionary, and most likely his idea of an exit affair. 

When he says the divorce was finalized 10 months ago, what he is saying is "We decided this was the best course for us. We took our time and thought it out. It was a good decision, it was the right decision. It is still the right decision for me."


----------



## Diana7

Could it be that after all those years of you acting that way the love he had for you just died? A man needs to be respected and you clearly showed him no respect at all. Men just hate to have complaining critical and dissatisfied wives, especially those who refuse sex as well. I think your words and attitude drove him away. 

I think you need to just leave it, he clearly doesn't want to get back with you, and not quite sure why you are having it annulled when the marriage is already over, and you were married for so long.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Despite reasons for this/that.....please find encouragement here and itrw with trustworthy friends to find peace with whatever happens.

Find new ways to stay in touch with kids/grandkids. It hurts and will hurt and that's normal. One day at a time for now. Keep up with your family. You can do it.

Compassion and encouragement to you.

Ragnar


----------



## 2ntnuf

Get help for your depression. Then see how you feel.

Also, I wonder what steps you plan on taking so as not do those things again, or what steps you practice now, so that you don't do that? 

I get it. I think it must have been tough on him. I'm glad you are able to see things that might have bothered him and led to your divorce. I would guess he contributed to some of the issues in the marriage, for no other reason than he was a part of it, at minimum. 

I am only asking you to think about this. I don't need you to post any answers. 

I do know you need help with your depression before you can make a good choice for yourself. Do that, and you will be helping yourself and the chances of refurbishing your marriage.


----------



## sokillme

HiMaint57 said:


> I've posted before -- my ex and I are now divorced and in the middle of an annulment. We were married 37 years.
> 
> I want to cancel the annulment and try marriage with him again. We have grandchildren and I've always looked forward to enjoying them with him. I have so many good memories of our married life before things went downhill. We are both in our early 60's with no romantic prospects on the horizon (I thought he would marry the woman he had an EA with, but he says he has no plans to do that). I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I dream about him most nights -- that we interact like we used to when times are good -- and I dream about intimacy (we haven't had any type of intimacy in 12 years -- he has said he hasn't "gotten any" from anyone else). In short, I can't accept the ending of our relationship. We have been together over half my life, and he feels like part of me.
> 
> Most importantly, I've realized the main contributions I made to the demise of our relationship and have resolved not to repeat them:
> 
> - I had a terrible body image and often refused intimacy because of it
> - I frequently reviewed past events and what I did/shouldn't have done
> - I took him for granted and didn't appreciate him
> - I was very demanding and I took my frustrations out on him
> - I was a chronic complainer
> 
> I tell him all these things, and he either doesn't respond or says that our divorce was final 10 months ago. I text him, but anytime I get into trying again, he doesn't answer. He also says that it's possible that he never loved me. I love him with all that I have. Besides, at our age and beyond, I feel love is a choice. I don't see myself as ever having another romantic relationship, partially because I don't feel I deserve it after messing up our marriage.
> 
> Does anyone have any insight into why he won't at least give marriage another try? I know many of you will think I'm an idiot, and I'm prepared for that.


He doesn't respond because he didn't cheat because of all those things he cheated because he is of low character. You have decided that your only chance at happiness is him, your wrong. There are other men, out there even at an earlier age. You can do better, see it as the universe speaking to you. Move on.


----------



## chillymorn69

I also think hes done and it would be best to move on.

Good luck


----------



## Red Sonja

minimalME said:


> I commend you for wanting to mend your marriage. I really do.
> 
> But what's so, very sad to me is that _during the marriage_, people refuse to do the work in real time, when the problems come up.
> 
> You're too tired, you don't want to talk about it, there's always tomorrow, being immature, mean, spiteful, lazy, etc.
> 
> And then, 20, 30, 40 years down the road, the other person has had enough and would rather be alone than with a dispassionate partner.
> 
> I don't know you, but I'm thinking that he probably gave your marriage lots of tries. And nothing changed. Nothing improved. There was no growth.
> 
> And now he's done.


Yup, all of the above. And, he is probably like me (I experienced similar from my exH) in that he is enjoying the peace in his life too much to take a chance on re-entering the maelstrom.


----------



## sokillme

So I read your other posts, your marriage had been bad for a very long time. You can have what you want but it's probably not with him. It would probably end up being a lot better anyway. You were not a great wife but he was not a great husband either. Do yourself a favor and stop looking at him as your key to happiness. You are your own key to happiness. Get out there and try to fine it.


----------



## Openminded

He's moved on. You need to as well.


----------



## Rowan

If you cannot be happy and emotionally healthy on your own, then you stand little chance of being happy and emotionally healthy with a partner. I think you're clinging to the familiarity of your ex-husband because you're afraid to be alone. You want him to make you safe, comfortable, and happy. But, clearly, he wasn't able to do that during your long marriage. And, it doesn't sound like you were able to make him happy either. It would be far, far, better, OP, for you to learn to make yourself safe, comfortable and happy. Work with a good IC on building your self-esteem and learning to be a happy person, all on your own. Only then will you stand any chance at all of being in a happy and healthy relationship. 

Sadly, though, I do not foresee that relationship being with your ex-husband. He had an affair, likely an attempt at an exit affair. The divorce is final. You're halfway through an annulment. And he clearly is not interested in rekindling your relationship, or even discussing it with you. You likely wouldn't be either, if you had better self-esteem and were more emotionally independent. At this point, you're just pushing him farther and farther away and making things uncomfortable and awkward with your clinging and desperation. Work on becoming a healthy, whole, independent, emotionally stable and happy person. Then, if you'd like, you may see if there's someone out there for you. But, I'm sorry, that someone is extremely unlikely to be your ex-husband.


----------



## HiMaint57

We are having the marriage annulled because we are both Catholic and that is what is required.


----------



## HiMaint57

Thank you for all the replies. I think all of you are correct. I will follow your advice.

I wanted to try again not because I'm afraid of being alone; I've been alone for over three years now and likely will stay alone the rest of my life, because I'm old, sort of fat and saggy, and my ex was the only guy that has ever noticed me. I like spending time alone, and I can go on singles trips and things like that. I just have to get used to being single in a couples' world.

I wanted to try again because we have such good memories of back when things were good, and because of the grandkids -- he is so good with kids and I looked forward to watching him interact with them. I know that some ex-couples are able to be together and interact enough to enjoy doing things socially, but he isn't. When we have family activities, he is very enthusiastic with everyone else and flatlines with me. I'm probably fooling myself to think our relationship could get back to where it was. 

He did ask me to come back to the house (I was the one who moved) about two years ago, but he said there couldn't be any expectations for the relationship. His EA partner suggested he do this. I stayed two weeks and left because of course I had expectations, and I didn't have a clue what my role was (wife, roommate). 

The worst of it is he promised my mom on her deathbed that he would take care of me. I don't think she would consider what has happened taking care of me.

Someone asked what steps I plan on taking so as not to do the things that broke up my marriage. I think being aware of them is half the battle. I've spent the last three years making myself aware, looking back and examining our last years together in great detail with the goal of figuring out what I did wrong. He would not tell me -- and still won't -- so it was up to me to figure it out. He may or may not agree with me, and I guess I'll never really know. But I'm not a mind-reader. He is king of the evasive answer.

Actually, I'm worried about him because he says he "has no feelings." He has put up tremendous walls. I'm worried that he's depressed, but whenever I ask him, he says that he's "fine." There's not much else I can do.

I'm not depressed right now -- I'm on meds. I have a horrible self-image -- I've had counseling but it hasn't really worked so far. Maybe it's a generational thing, but it's not my nature to feel positive about myself -- seems like vanity to me. My mom was always putting herself down, and I still loved her. 

I'll let you know if the annulment is granted -- if not, that's another story.


----------



## Yeswecan

It does not look promising. I'm not sure why you left after a return to the home and gone in two weeks. The expectations was to be roommates is my guess. But roommates that help each other through life as friends perhaps. You did not give it enough time. At any rate, I would say your H detached years ago. It is quite easy for him to carry on without feelings of any sort. Sorry.


----------



## sokillme

HiMaint57 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. I think all of you are correct. I will follow your advice.
> 
> I wanted to try again not because I'm afraid of being alone; I've been alone for over three years now and likely will stay alone the rest of my life, because I'm old, sort of fat and saggy, and my ex was the only guy that has ever noticed me. I like spending time alone, and I can go on singles trips and things like that. I just have to get used to being single in a couples' world.
> 
> I wanted to try again because we have such good memories of back when things were good, and because of the grandkids -- he is so good with kids and I looked forward to watching him interact with them. I know that some ex-couples are able to be together and interact enough to enjoy doing things socially, but he isn't. When we have family activities, he is very enthusiastic with everyone else and flatlines with me. I'm probably fooling myself to think our relationship could get back to where it was.
> 
> He did ask me to come back to the house (I was the one who moved) about two years ago, but he said there couldn't be any expectations for the relationship. His EA partner suggested he do this. I stayed two weeks and left because of course I had expectations, and I didn't have a clue what my role was (wife, roommate).
> 
> The worst of it is he promised my mom on her deathbed that he would take care of me. I don't think she would consider what has happened taking care of me.
> 
> Someone asked what steps I plan on taking so as not to do the things that broke up my marriage. I think being aware of them is half the battle. I've spent the last three years making myself aware, looking back and examining our last years together in great detail with the goal of figuring out what I did wrong. He would not tell me -- and still won't -- so it was up to me to figure it out. He may or may not agree with me, and I guess I'll never really know. But I'm not a mind-reader. He is king of the evasive answer.
> 
> Actually, I'm worried about him because he says he "has no feelings." He has put up tremendous walls. I'm worried that he's depressed, but whenever I ask him, he says that he's "fine." There's not much else I can do.
> 
> I'm not depressed right now -- I'm on meds. I have a horrible self-image -- I've had counseling but it hasn't really worked so far. Maybe it's a generational thing, but it's not my nature to feel positive about myself -- seems like vanity to me. My mom was always putting herself down, and I still loved her.
> 
> I'll let you know if the annulment is granted -- if not, that's another story.


Please consider exercising that will help with all of those things. Remember if you divorce you are no longer responsible for him. 

Finally on an general note I will never understand the catholic churches deal with annulment. So in their minds now were you living in sin all that time? Makes NO SENSE.


----------



## HiMaint57

No, we weren't living in sin when we were married. We are still technically married until our marriage is annulled by the church. If the annulment is granted, then the marriage will be deemed invalid according to Canon Law. This doesn't make our children illegitimate or diminish the reality of our marriage. I know it's hard to understand -- it took me a while too. I can see why many people don't get annulments, because you need to go back to the time of the marriage and examine your circumstances, feelings, thoughts, etc. at that time. And you need two witnesses. When you've been married as long as us, that's hard.

I do exercise. I fast-walk every day. Right now I'm trying to stay on NutriSystems, but it's hard because food is comfort to me.


----------



## HiMaint57

Yeswecan I left after two weeks because he treated me like a roommate (maybe more like a renter) -- there was very little conversation. I had expectations -- we were still married then, and I wanted to work on the marriage, get counseling, etc. but it was obvious he didn't want to. I didn't (and still don't) fully understand the reasons why he didn't want to work on it.


----------



## Diana7

HiMaint57 said:


> We are having the marriage annulled because we are both Catholic and that is what is required.


I hope that you realise that annulments are completely unbiblical. If you are divorced the marriage is over. I have no idea why any marriage that has lasted all those years would in anyway qualify for an annulment anyway.


----------



## BluesPower

HiMaint57 said:


> I've posted before -- my ex and I are now divorced and in the middle of an annulment. We were married 37 years.
> 
> I want to cancel the annulment and try marriage with him again. We have grandchildren and I've always looked forward to enjoying them with him. I have so many good memories of our married life before things went downhill. We are both in our early 60's with no romantic prospects on the horizon (I thought he would marry the woman he had an EA with, but he says he has no plans to do that). I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I dream about him most nights -- that we interact like we used to when times are good -- and I dream about intimacy (we haven't had any type of intimacy in 12 years -- he has said he hasn't "gotten any" from anyone else). In short, I can't accept the ending of our relationship. We have been together over half my life, and he feels like part of me.
> 
> Most importantly, I've realized the main contributions I made to the demise of our relationship and have resolved not to repeat them:
> 
> - I had a terrible body image and often refused intimacy because of it
> - I frequently reviewed past events and what I did/shouldn't have done
> - I took him for granted and didn't appreciate him
> - I was very demanding and I took my frustrations out on him
> - I was a chronic complainer
> 
> I tell him all these things, and he either doesn't respond or says that our divorce was final 10 months ago. I text him, but anytime I get into trying again, he doesn't answer. He also says that it's possible that he never loved me. I love him with all that I have. Besides, at our age and beyond, I feel love is a choice. I don't see myself as ever having another romantic relationship, partially because I don't feel I deserve it after messing up our marriage.
> 
> Does anyone have any insight into why he won't at least give marriage another try? I know many of you will think I'm an idiot, and I'm prepared for that.


I truly feel sad for you, and I understand that you are hurting. 

I understand that NOW you get what you did to damage the marriage, and I am sure that he was no saint... But do you really expect him to come back to you or want to be married to you. 

Something that I speak with young couples about, and warn them about, is not taking each other for granted. In any way, financially, sexually, emotionally, any way. 

And you have not had sex with him for 12 freaking years, frankly, I would have divorced you 11 years ago. 

I really don't see any way for you to get him back. 

I guess if you want to try and entice him with sex you could just say, "hey, you want to come over and have sex, no stings attached"...

But short of that, I really don't see any hope. 

On the other hand, My GF is 60, and am 54, and we are both in the best relationship we have ever had in our entire life, so there is hope.


----------



## Openminded

He doesn't want to try again because he's done. Nothing more than that. It's just too late. 

Let him live his life and you live yours.


----------



## sokillme

I think you would do well to go back and re-read some of your post here. It was obvious at the time the YOU were done. So maybe a lot of this is just loneliness and separation anxiety. You WILL get used to being alone, especially if you start to add things you like into your life, preferably with other people. And though you don't believe it now you can still meet someone. If you are down on your appearance you can do stuff to help that as well. It all takes time but it's very doable. You are not unusual people go through this all the time.


----------



## HiMaint57

BluesPower said:


> I truly feel sad for you, and I understand that you are hurting.
> 
> I understand that NOW you get what you did to damage the marriage, and I am sure that he was no saint... But do you really expect him to come back to you or want to be married to you.
> 
> Something that I speak with young couples about, and warn them about, is not taking each other for granted. In any way, financially, sexually, emotionally, any way.
> 
> And you have not had sex with him for 12 freaking years, frankly, I would have divorced you 11 years ago.
> 
> I really don't see any way for you to get him back.
> 
> I guess if you want to try and entice him with sex you could just say, "hey, you want to come over and have sex, no stings attached"...
> 
> But short of that, I really don't see any hope.
> 
> On the other hand, My GF is 60, and am 54, and we are both in the best relationship we have ever had in our entire life, so there is hope.


It does give me hope that at 60 you have someone to share your life with!

You would have divorced me 11 years ago. Hmmm. Maybe I've gone too far in trying to own my contribution to this relationship's deterioration. 

- He had an EA -- I didn't. No PA either.
- He told me when I reached for his hand while walking into a wedding "You wouldn't need to hold my hand if you'd wear more sensible shoes."
- When I offered to come to bed with him, he said he didn't think it was a good idea.
- I was the one that brought the problems we were having out in the open. He decided to cope by having an EA and immersing himself in volunteer work for church. I became priority 9,652, right under watching paint dry or plants grow.
- At his insistence, we spent many New Year's Eves at his EA's house watching movies so she wouldn't drink alcohol. 
- He refused any kind of counseling, saying "it's not worth it" or " I don't see the purpose." He was ready to live out the marriage as roommates. I wasn't. Is that so wrong?

I guess I'm trying to say that the failure of a marriage is often a vicious cycle. One feels rejected, so they reject the other, and so it goes until the relationship dies. And it takes two people.

All I can do is own what I perceive were my failings in the marriage (he has never told me what it was I did to contribute to the failure, as I said before). I feel that at one time we had something really good, and I regret my part in its demise. I want to make it up to him and show him I can be a good marriage partner. That's all.


----------



## Yeswecan

HiMaint57 said:


> Yeswecan I left after two weeks because he treated me like a roommate (maybe more like a renter) -- there was very little conversation. I had expectations -- we were still married then, and I wanted to work on the marriage, get counseling, etc. but it was obvious he didn't want to. I didn't (and still don't) fully understand the reasons why he didn't want to work on it.


Perhaps your XH believes he attempted to work on the marriage years prior to no avail. Why bother now? Did your XH state there should be no expectations?


----------



## BluesPower

HiMaint57 said:


> It does give me hope that at 60 you have someone to share your life with!
> 
> You would have divorced me 11 years ago. Hmmm. Maybe I've gone too far in trying to own my contribution to this relationship's deterioration.
> 
> - He had an EA -- I didn't. No PA either.
> - He told me when I reached for his hand while walking into a wedding "You wouldn't need to hold my hand if you'd wear more sensible shoes."
> - When I offered to come to bed with him, he said he didn't think it was a good idea.
> - I was the one that brought the problems we were having out in the open. He decided to cope by having an EA and immersing himself in volunteer work for church. I became priority 9,652, right under watching paint dry or plants grow.
> - At his insistence, we spent many New Year's Eves at his EA's house watching movies so she wouldn't drink alcohol.
> - He refused any kind of counseling, saying "it's not worth it" or " I don't see the purpose." He was ready to live out the marriage as roommates. I wasn't. Is that so wrong?
> 
> I guess I'm trying to say that the failure of a marriage is often a vicious cycle. One feels rejected, so they reject the other, and so it goes until the relationship dies. And it takes two people.
> 
> All I can do is own what I perceive were my failings in the marriage (he has never told me what it was I did to contribute to the failure, as I said before). I feel that at one time we had something really good, and I regret my part in its demise. I want to make it up to him and show him I can be a good marriage partner. That's all.


Ok, fair enough. So all of that begs the question WHY do you even want to be with him? 

Do you think he will change? 

Was he the one that stopped sex, or you? Your post said that you denied him because of your body image.

Here is the deal... those mistakes that you said you made are big ones. Really big ones. 

But on the other hand, I am sure that he is not perfect either. But if he is so NOT perfect, why do you want to be with him again. 

I am just saying that, if I was ever with a woman that was not interested in having sex, that relationship would not last long. Further, to me, when the desire to have sex with your partner dies, be it you or him, then the relationship is done. No one may say so, and people may stay for whatever reason, but the R is dead. 

But really, I just think he is done.


----------



## HiMaint57

Yeswecan said:


> Perhaps your XH believes he attempted to work on the marriage years prior to no avail. Why bother now? Did your XH state there should be no expectations?


Yes he offered that I could move back to the house with no expectations.


----------



## HiMaint57

BluesPower said:


> Ok, fair enough. So all of that begs the question WHY do you even want to be with him?
> 
> Do you think he will change?
> 
> Was he the one that stopped sex, or you? Your post said that you denied him because of your body image.
> 
> Here is the deal... those mistakes that you said you made are big ones. Really big ones.
> 
> But on the other hand, I am sure that he is not perfect either. But if he is so NOT perfect, why do you want to be with him again.
> 
> I am just saying that, if I was ever with a woman that was not interested in having sex, that relationship would not last long. Further, to me, when the desire to have sex with your partner dies, be it you or him, then the relationship is done. No one may say so, and people may stay for whatever reason, but the R is dead.
> 
> But really, I just think he is done.


I want to be with him because I now realize I let go of one of the best people in my life. And I miss him.

Generally he wanted sex more than I did. I remember our last sexual encounter as being awkward because he wasn't able to maintain -- well, you know -- but I didn't refuse that encounter. If he has any erectile dysfunction, he didn't mention it to me. At the time of our last encounter, I was also dealing with cancer, chemo, instant menopause, and my mother's death, so I had a lot going on. After that encounter, sex seemed to just stop. When I did say no to sex, it was often due to body image. I've always hated my body, even when I was thin.

It may sound stupid, but I wasn't sure at the time if couples in their 50's had sex anymore. I thought stopping it was something that just happened as you got older. 

I definitely agree that sex (or some type of intimacy) is necessary in a marriage or the relationship will die. I would definitely do things differently if I could go back in time.

Do I think he will change? Possibly, but it would take years. He's much better at moving on than I am. I should probably just forget about it.


----------



## sokillme

HiMaint57 said:


> - He told me when I reached for his hand while walking into a wedding "You wouldn't need to hold my hand if you'd wear more sensible shoes."


WTF!! :rofl: On your wedding day?!! What a douche.


----------



## Diana7

sokillme said:


> WTF!! :rofl: On your wedding day?!! What a douche.


She said a wedding not their wedding.


----------



## Diana7

You are not longer married whatever the RC church say. You need to let him go and move on. Make a new life for yourself.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, you should definitely forget about it. If he were in the slightest bit interested he would let you know. He's done the opposite. 

Things broken usually remain broken.


----------



## Rowan

OP, it's clear you're still having a fair amount of contact with your ex-husband. It's also clear you two are still having the sorts of conversations that people with an intimate connection would have. For your own health and sanity, I highly recommend that you stop that. Stop having unnecessary contact with your ex-husband. Only reach out to him if there's something important regarding children/grandchildren or lingering financial matters that actually _needs_ to be discussed with him. And then, only discuss those topics and no others. Stop chatting, stop contacting him just to talk, stop asking him questions about how he's doing, stop bringing up your marriage or the idea of reconciling. Stop talking to him so frequently and about topics best had between people in a relationship. You two are no longer in a relationship and he's made it very clear that he isn't interested in changing that fact. 

In stark terms, you shouldn't be worried about him, because you shouldn't know how he's doing. He's not your problem or your concern or your responsibility. Because he is not your friend or your lover or your husband. I'm sorry, and I know it's very hard to hear, but how he's doing - how he feels, what he's up to, whether he's taking care of himself, how he's moving on - is simply not something that's any of your business any more. You'll never be able to move on unless you let go of him. Letting go of him will require you to control yourself enough to stop reaching out for him.


----------



## Diana7

Rowan said:


> OP, it's clear you're still having a fair amount of contact with your ex-husband. It's also clear you two are still having the sorts of conversations that people with an intimate connection would have. For your own health and sanity, I highly recommend that you stop that. Stop having unnecessary contact with your ex-husband. Only reach out to him if there's something important regarding children/grandchildren or lingering financial matters that actually _needs_ to be discussed with him. And then, only discuss those topics and no others. Stop chatting, stop contacting him just to talk, stop asking him questions about how he's doing, stop bringing up your marriage or the idea of reconciling. Stop talking to him so frequently and about topics best had between people in a relationship. You two are no longer in a relationship and he's made it very clear that he isn't interested in changing that fact.
> 
> I stark terms, you shouldn't be worried about him, because you shouldn't know how he's doing. He's not your problem or your concern or your responsibility. Because he is not your friend or your lover or your husband. I'm sorry, and I know it's very hard to hear, but how he's doing - how he feels, what he's up to, whether he's taking care of himself, how he's moving on - is simply not something that's any of your business any more. You'll never be able to move on unless you let go of him. Letting go of him will require you to control yourself enough to stop reaching out for him.


I very much go along with this. How can you move on and make a new life for yourself if you are still tied to the past and what was but is no longer? Respect his wishes and let him go.


----------



## HiMaint57

I guess we will need to agree to disagree on the annulment topic. To me, he and I are married until the annulment is granted. If it's not granted, we remain married until one of us dies. There is a group in our church for women who are divorced but for one reason or another haven't pursued an annulment -- they have chosen celibacy although their husbands haven't. I didn't want to be a part of their club, but I may have to if the annulment is denied.


----------



## HiMaint57

Diana7 said:


> You are not longer married whatever the RC church say. You need to let him go and move on. Make a new life for yourself.


I guess we will need to agree to disagree on the annulment topic. To me, he and I are married until the annulment is granted. If it's not granted, we remain married until one of us dies. There is a group in our church for women who are divorced but for one reason or another haven't pursued an annulment -- they have chosen celibacy although their husbands haven't. I didn't want to be a part of their club, but I may have to if the annulment is denied.


----------



## HiMaint57

Rowan said:


> OP, it's clear you're still having a fair amount of contact with your ex-husband. It's also clear you two are still having the sorts of conversations that people with an intimate connection would have. For your own health and sanity, I highly recommend that you stop that. Stop having unnecessary contact with your ex-husband. Only reach out to him if there's something important regarding children/grandchildren or lingering financial matters that actually _needs_ to be discussed with him. And then, only discuss those topics and no others. Stop chatting, stop contacting him just to talk, stop asking him questions about how he's doing, stop bringing up your marriage or the idea of reconciling. Stop talking to him so frequently and about topics best had between people in a relationship. You two are no longer in a relationship and he's made it very clear that he isn't interested in changing that fact.
> 
> In stark terms, you shouldn't be worried about him, because you shouldn't know how he's doing. He's not your problem or your concern or your responsibility. Because he is not your friend or your lover or your husband. I'm sorry, and I know it's very hard to hear, but how he's doing - how he feels, what he's up to, whether he's taking care of himself, how he's moving on - is simply not something that's any of your business any more. You'll never be able to move on unless you let go of him. Letting go of him will require you to control yourself enough to stop reaching out for him.


It is hard to hear, but you're right. I've got to stop contacting him except if it's absolutely necessary. My son and the grandkids were at a county fair on Saturday, so I texted and asked if he wanted to join us (meaning he could enjoy our son and the grandies). He said "Sorry, I'm tied up." I guess if he's going to pass on opportunities to see his offspring because I'm there, that's his problem.

It is extremely difficult to completely rid my heart and soul of someone who has been part of my life since I was 16 (I'm now 61). I fully intended to be married until death. The other part is that he won't tell me what I did wrong or why he won't consider trying again. It's hard for me to accept that I'll probably never know why.


----------



## Diana7

HiMaint57 said:


> I guess we will need to agree to disagree on the annulment topic. To me, he and I are married until the annulment is granted. If it's not granted, we remain married until one of us dies. There is a group in our church for women who are divorced but for one reason or another haven't pursued an annulment -- they have chosen celibacy although their husbands haven't. I didn't want to be a part of their club, but I may have to if the annulment is denied.


 The thing is its not in the Bible, so do you do what your church says or what God says. Either way he is free to remarry if he chooses before or after the annulment.


----------



## Diana7

HiMaint57 said:


> It is hard to hear, but you're right. I've got to stop contacting him except if it's absolutely necessary. My son and the grandkids were at a county fair on Saturday, so I texted and asked if he wanted to join us (meaning he could enjoy our son and the grandies). He said "Sorry, I'm tied up." I guess if he's going to pass on opportunities to see his offspring because I'm there, that's his problem.
> 
> It is extremely difficult to completely rid my heart and soul of someone who has been part of my life since I was 16 (I'm now 61). I fully intended to be married until death. The other part is that he won't tell me what I did wrong or why he won't consider trying again. It's hard for me to accept that I'll probably never know why.


 I agree that you need to stop contact. Its up to your son to ask his dad if he wants to, its not for you to do. He is a big boy now with his own children. 
A man called Jim Smoke who has counselled many thousands of divorced people, and who started the divorce recovery workshops, says that the less we see the ex the quicker we can move on and let go. With adult children there is no need to have any contact unless one of them gets married or similar. I think he is being wise not to keep seeing you, and he can see his children grandchildren at other times.


----------



## Openminded

It obviously wasn't about not wanting to see his son and grandchildren on Saturday. It was the fact that you were there. You will never know why he's no longer interested in being with you but he's letting you know he isn't. Believe him.


----------

