# He's never interested



## Confused2007 (Jan 9, 2016)

I just don't know what to do anymore. my husband and I have been married for 8 years. I just don't understand why he never wants to have sex. I've tried everything... Asking if there is a problem, ignoring the problem, loosing weight, gaining weight, toys, clothes, dirty talking, porn, being spontaneous, EVERYTHING. Nothing makes him interested in me. I feel like sex is a fight... A never ending fight. I have people tell me I'm beautiful all the time and I know I decide how I feel but this is really making me feel ugly. I feel like my husband isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Sex is a BIG thing for me, I love the physical connection, it's something I can give my husband and I don't want to give to anybody else. We don't have money issues, our kids are great, I've asked him to check his testosterone levels and they were fine. In fact he's in perfect health. I just can't figure out why. I've tried just letting it go thinking maybe the "pressure" was the problem and nothing. I feel like when it happens its so forced. Like he just wants it over and done with so he can roll over and go to sleep. I'm just lost... I just don't get it. I feel like growing up watching sitcoms and movies and it was always the man begging the wife for sex and now that I'm an adult and married I feel like It's the total opposite.... I just have no idea what to do anymore.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Since when does he never want sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To start with I want to let you know that you are not alone in this.

We are fed a lie that men want sex all the time, so when a man decides to make their marriage sexless (or near sexless) their wife blames herself and it can destroy her sense of self worth.

What we are not told is that men chose to make their marriage sexless at about the same rate that women do. 

Most men who do not want sex with their wife are harboring feelings of anger and resentment. It's a passive aggressive way to punish, or get back at their wife.

Here is a book on the topic that might be helpful to you.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It 
 by Bob Berkowitz ,Susan Yager-Berkowitz


By the way, technically, having sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How often does he view pornography?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Could be an infinity of different things. Asexuality, anger, depression, schizoid personality with flat affect, confusion about sexuality and preference, performance anxiety, ED, resentment, emotional immaturity......


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Better 10 times than none.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Confused2007 said:


> I've tried everything... Asking if there is a problem, ignoring the problem, loosing weight, gaining weight, toys, clothes, dirty talking, porn, being spontaneous, EVERYTHING..... I just have no idea what to do anymore.


One problem men face when it is the woman that does not have any desire, it that they do anything and everything they can think of to try and increase her desire. Then they measure the results based on if their partner has an increased desire for sex in the relationship. 

Now why that is a problem is because one person can NOT change how the other person feels, NOR can accuse that person of being the source of the problem. What happens is that the person with lower desire over time is made to feel inadequate and broken as opposed to loved and accepted. This creates self confidence and performance issues. If it is the woman with lower desire, she eventually is made to feel like an inadequate hole for which her husband's penis will never be satisfied. 

If you are trying to fix the relationship, you will want your partner to feel loved and accepted above everything else. If that culminates in you being aroused, you will want to "share" that with him and do not expect for him to be aroused in return, simply allow him to respond however he wants to your arousal. If he withdraws during the process, do not be ashamed to masturbate as needed and continue exploring your own sexuality. Share with him the details you discover about yourself as a way to relieve any performance anxiety he may have with regards to understanding your sexuality. 

DO NOT:
• Buy him books that explain how to be a better lover. This will make him feel inadequate.
• Insist he enjoys himself. Nothing is worse than forcing someone to orgasm.
• Make him feel ashamed of his sexuality.
• Do anything that makes him feel broken (such as sending him to the doctor to check his hormones). 
• Throw temper tantrums when he will not please you.
• Be passive aggressive after experiencing problems.

DO:
• Share your arousal with him.
• Let him know how your arousal is attributed to him.
• Tease him and tell him he is not allowed to orgasm (this way failure at trying new things becomes rewarding!)
• Work on his self confidence.
• Work on your self confidence.

One thing I do here lately to enjoy my own sexuality is use an online app to earn rebates for when I grocery shop. I then exchange these rebates for an Amazon gift card and then use it to buy something rather obscene. I can't get fussed at, because I can say I ate all that chocolate pudding fair and square and show her how I earned the reward!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

There is hurt on both sides of an hd/ld relationship. Both people need to address that.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Not saying this is you Confused2007, but I know of a relationship where the husband is not interested.

The best way to describe it is found in the song by Vince Gill - It's hard to kiss the lips that chew your ass all day long.

SIL thinks she is God's gift to her husband, and will bite the head off of anyone who pointed out any of her flaws.

Husband is passive aggressive and does not give her what she wants. She is HD.

This can go both ways, if a husband is disrespectful, why does he wonder when wife is not interested.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You say your husband is never interested. Has he ever been interested?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there are a lot of both men and women who very rarely want sex - discussed here as LD for "low desire". A marriage between a HD and LD person tends to be pretty miserable - you will find many sorry tales here.

Its very unlikely that it has anything to do with you or what you do or do not do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People often confuse LD/HD with a situation in which one spouse just does not want sex with their spouse and it's not related to their sexual drive.


One of the first things someone needs to determine if their spouse does not want sex with them very often, or at all, if the reason is that they are LD or if they just flat out are choosing no sex with their spouse but are not LD.

For example, is the husband does not want sex with his wife but he's using porn all the time... he's not LD. HE does not want sex with his wife. He is rejecting her for some reason.

In the book that I suggested earlier, during the study they asked about 4,000 men who do not have sex with their wives why. Very few of them said it was because they were LD. Most were getting sex elsewhere, either having an affair or using porn. They clearly were rejecting their wife and did it purposely.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Well said Richard


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> there are a lot of both men and women who very rarely want sex - discussed here as LD for "low desire". A marriage between a HD and LD person tends to be pretty miserable - you will find many sorry tales here.
> 
> Its very unlikely that it has anything to do with you or what you do or do not do.


Richard, Its always a pleasure reading your lines. But I don't follow you here, Are you saying the HD person is guilty of something. Or is responsible for the LD actions. Maybe am reading this wrong. I think it should be Its very likely that it has anything to do with you. Just saying ???? There are a lot of innocent people married to LD people who have done nothing wrong.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't think there was any implication that anyone did anything wrong.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I want to throw this out.
I am currently the HD in my relationship. Married 24 years.
HOWEVER, back in the day I was married to someone else for nearly 2 years. I NEVER wanted to have sex with her and she left me. (rightly so)
Why? 

Now that I have had time to think about the past I have come to the conclusion that I should have never married this person. I was pushed into that marriage in a number of different ways. When it came to sex, I just did not want her. Toward the end, she actually repulsed me. 

Point being, you can be HD in one relationship and LD in another. It happened to me.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Check his browser history. See if there are ever women featured in the genre he prefers.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Richard, Please excuse my post, It was one of those moments were you read things two or three times . I have gone back and read it again and get it now. Sorry my Friend


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

History can be deleted


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> One of the first things someone needs to determine if their spouse does not want sex with them very often, or at all, if the reason is that they are LD or if they just flat out are choosing no sex with their spouse but are not LD.
> 
> *For example, is the husband does not want sex with his wife but he's using porn all the time... he's not LD. HE does not want sex with his wife. He is rejecting her for some reason.*



While I agree with this, but I wanted to expand on this example in the event it is the case. If a man is using porn instead of going to his wife, from the wife's perspective, YES she is being rejected. However, from the male perspective she is not being rejected, she is likely just "unable to be accepted" sexually due to how male hormones work. 

For the most part male sexuality is guaranteed to work and orgasm every time, as survival of the species is dependent on this in order to successfully procreate. It is like owning a large canon, that at most can only be fired a limited number of times each day (one to three times). 

If you are a man and porn strongly triggers your arousal, it is often followed by a compulsive need to fire one's canon. The desire to then look at more porn can also feel compulsive. Giving into this is NOT the same as "rejecting" one's wife. 

The best analogy I can come up with for women, imagine that all internet connected devices could deliver any chocolate you wanted at the touch of a button for free. You click, you eat the chocolate, and guess what happens? You can no longer have sex. So that is not the same as outright rejecting someone although the results are the same.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> While I agree with this, but I wanted to expand on this example in the event it is the case. If a man is using porn instead of going to his wife, from the wife's perspective, YES she is being rejected. However, from the male perspective she is not being rejected, she is likely just "unable to be accepted" sexually due to how male hormones work.
> 
> For the most part male sexuality is guaranteed to work and orgasm every time, as survival of the species is dependent on this in order to successfully procreate. It is like owning a large canon, that at most can only be fired a limited number of times each day (one to three times).
> 
> ...


There is a problem with your analogy. He has complete control to stop the porn use if that's the problem. If he does not, he is chosing it over his wife. Thus he is rejecting her.

You clearly do not understand what sex is to women. Sex does not equal chocolate to women. Sex is sex. Sex is bonding with their lover. Would it help a man whose wife refuses him sex if he could find a website that gives him all the fast cars (or other toys he wants)? No.

It is a devastating to a woman to be married to someone who refuses her sex as it is for this to happen to a man.

Being rejected by her husband sexually is horbilby dmaing to a woman's sence of self worth.. you know, just like it is to a man when he is rejected by his wife.

If the guy prefers porn to his wife and he refuses to work with her to fix themarriage and his desire for sex with her, he does not deserve to have a wife. The best advice to her in this case is to divorce him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peacem said:


> How old are you both if you don't mind me asking?
> 
> 
> Don't jump to conclusions that he is not desiring you - it is highly unlikely but if he has had medical check ups then there are some issues that you need to get to the bottom of.
> ...


All of the above is good.. but it depends on the guy being willing to participate. Often, when men get to the point that they do not want sex with their wife, they will not participate in what you have suggested.

I hope that for the OP, what you suggest works. I very often does not so she needs to have a backup plan if it does not.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Refusal of sex is the main issue in all hd/ld marriages regardless of who is doing the refusing.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There is a problem with your analogy. He has complete control to stop the porn use if that's the problem. If he does not, he is chosing it over his wife. Thus he is rejecting her.
> 
> You clearly do not understand what sex is to women. Sex does not equal chocolate to women. Sex is sex. Sex is bonding with their lover. Would it help a man whose wife refuses him sex if he could find a website that gives him all the fast cars (or other toys he wants)? No.
> 
> ...


I would submit that social conditioning and stereotypes could actually make it more difficult on a rejected wife...you know...wives never want sex and men will sleep with anything, and all that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You clearly do not understand what sex is to women. *Sex does not equal chocolate to women.* Sex is sex. Sex is bonding with their lover. Would it help a man whose wife refuses him sex if he could find a website that gives him all the fast cars (or other toys he wants)? No.


Chocolate was only meant to demonstrate a basic human "temptation."

To a man Porn = Low risk* / high reward
To a woman Chocolate = Low risk** / high reward

*May cause inability to have sex with a real person afterwards.
**Imagine if this caused the inability to have sex with a real person afterwards.

While yes, using porn can often be controlled, some men don't think far enough ahead to understand the full risk and impact that it has on a relationship. Just like all the fine print, we may not become aware of the implications until we find ourselves in a problem. 

So choosing the temptation of porn and NOT understanding the full risks and side effects is NOT EQUAL to rejecting one's wife. Most men however eventually put 2 and 2 together and see what is going on. 

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Confused2007 said:


> I just don't know what to do anymore. my husband and I have been married for 8 years. I just don't understand why he never wants to have sex. I've tried everything...
> 
> ....I feel like sex is a fight... A never ending fight.
> 
> .....I feel like my husband isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Sex is a BIG thing for me, I love the physical connection, it's something I can give my husband and I don't want to give to anybody else. *We don't have money issues*, our kids are great, I've asked him to check his testosterone levels and they were fine. In fact he's in perfect health. I just can't figure out why. I've tried just letting it go *thinking maybe the "pressure" was the problem* and nothing. I feel like when it happens its so forced. Like he just wants it over and done with so he can roll over and go to sleep. I'm just lost... I just don't get it. I feel like growing up watching sitcoms and movies and it was always the man begging the wife for sex and now that I'm an adult and married I feel like It's the total opposite.... I just have no idea what to do anymore....


You have gotten lots of great advice.

The answer to what you want is none of the above and all of the above. Actually it is that each person is unique and it could be anything or any combination of things.

I could have easily said many of the words you did, when I was in my Sex Starved Marriage about my wife and me. It felt horrible, I felt horrible. I wondered what was wrong with me, what I had done to deserve being treated like this.

First, you need to understand that neither you nor your H may be damaged goods in need of being fixed. It could be that you have each just matured and changed over the past 8 years into different people who are out of touch with each others needs. You can't fix or change your H, only your H can change himself.

Having said that, there is a great author, MW Davis who has a book the Sex Starved Wife. You might want to get a copy and read it. Davis has an approach to Divorce Busting that involves changing yourself to make you a better more interesting person that changes the dynamic in your relationship with your spouse. That change requires them to change the way they treat you. The change can be for the better or for the worse and is totally up to your spouse, but it will result in change. You really do want change. 

Davis also recommends something called 180's. You said you tried everything. But did you try it in a controlled social science experimental way? Have you used trial and error changes and triangulated on the ones that produced positive results with further trial and error (180's) changes?

Finally, you say money isn't a problem. Please consider getting the assistance of a good sex therapist. They are worth every penny, especially if your spouse loves you and values your marriage.

Good luck. You are not alone, there is hope, and you can find happiness.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I really didn't mean to imply that at all. I may have worded my post in a way that was unclear. In general I don't think either the HD or LD is to "blame", but the combination can be really unfortunate for both.

There are of course cases where it IS something one or the other id doing, but I don't think those are the majority.




Just Wondering said:


> Richard, Its always a pleasure reading your lines. But I don't follow you here, Are you saying the HD person is guilty of something. Or is responsible for the LD actions. Maybe am reading this wrong. I think it should be Its very likely that it has anything to do with you. Just saying ???? There are a lot of innocent people married to LD people who have done nothing wrong.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Again well said Richard


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
agreed. If there is one thing that LDs often don't really get, its how important sex is to a HD person. It is not just a treat like desert. A good sex life is the difference between an overall happy life and an unhappy one.





EleGirl said:


> snip
> Being rejected by her husband sexually is horbilby dmaing to a woman's sence of self worth.. you know, just like it is to a man when he is rejected by his wife.
> snip


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Refusal of sex is the main issue in all hd/ld marriages regardless of who is doing the refusing.


That's the difference between unintentionally withholding sex - rarely in the mood etc - and intentionally withholding sex - passive aggressive galore etc -...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> Chocolate was only meant to demonstrate a basic human "temptation."
> 
> To a man Porn = Low risk* / high reward
> To a woman Chocolate = Low risk** / high reward
> ...


The underlined is my point. If the wife is clear that the there is a problem because of lack of sex. It is his responsibility in marriage to figure out why. Identifying porn as the problem is easy. And then it's his responsibility to fix it. If he will not, or if he pretends that the porn is not a problem, my suggestion is that she leaves him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Confused2007 said:


> I've tried everything... Asking if there is a problem, ignoring the problem, loosing weight, gaining weight, toys, clothes, dirty talking, *porn*, being spontaneous, EVERYTHING.





EleGirl said:


> The underlined is my point. If the wife is clear that the there is a problem because of lack of sex. It is his responsibility in marriage to figure out why. *Identifying porn as the problem is easy.* And then it's his responsibility to fix it. If he will not, or if he pretends that the porn is not a problem, my suggestion is that she leaves him.


OK OK OK

@Confused2007 please *stop* using porn to get your husband aroused! When a wife throws it in front of her man it can make it difficult for him to realize that this porn could be the source of his problems and that it is NOT OK.

Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Richard I would argue that one can have a happy life even with infrequent sex. Of course more sex would always be nice. Sometimes you have to accept things as they are.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Okguy said:


> Richard I would argue that one can have a happy life even with infrequent sex. Of course more sex would always be nice. Sometimes you have to accept things as they are.


The issue really isn't so much based in absolute value as it is relative value. The closer matched a couple is sexually, including frequency, timing,quality, the happier the couple will tend to be with the sexual part of their relationship. The problems start to arise when there is a disparity between partners, and generally, the bigger the disparity, the bigger the problem.

It is also important to distinguish between Desire and Drive in the HD/LD discussion. Drive is a persons baseline desire for sex, those horny tingly feelings, separate from any specific partner. Desire is partner specific, so it is entirely possible for a high drive person to be low desire for a specific partner.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I think if you are in an hd/ld marriage the disparity is significant by definition.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I would suggest soft core porn as its not as genitally oriented. More romantic.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

When it comes to problems caused by a man using porn:



peacem said:


> You are perfectly right in saying that it is his problem to fix.


AGREED!

But now when it comes to being happy and self confident about who we are and our own feelings, I admit I am a man and I am a little slow, but I eventually learned that those things come from WITHIN and we can not hold others responsible for how we value ourself. At the end of the day I decide for myself if I am worthy of being loved, and NO ONE can take that away from me.



EleGirl said:


> You clearly do not understand what sex is to women.
> 
> It is a devastating to a woman to be married to someone who refuses her sex as it is for this to happen to a man.
> 
> Being rejected by her husband sexually is horbilby dmaing to a woman's sence of self worth..


So @EleGirl are you saying that it is the husband's responsibility and that it is HIS PROBLEM to make sure his wife maintains a high sense of self worth? 

If I were to step up on my sexist and misogynistic podium and begin to preach, I would say that women are great at nurturing and understanding emotions. As long as a man is able to provide for and protect his family that a good wife will be there to help mend his wounds both emotionally and physically so that he can get back up and keep fighting for his family the next day. A woman that is unwilling to nurture her man when he is wounded, would not be a woman worth fighting for.

Now in a world where we are all treated as equals, we are all now responsible for our own feelings if you ask me! If a man has a problem sexually, it is his responsibility to fix it. If a man has a problem with his self esteem, it is his problem to fix it. If a man gets his feelings hurt, it is his responsibility pick himself back up and keep going. Hopefully we can be strong and happy and share that with those around us to help strengthen everyone's sense of wellbeing, but it does not always happen that way does it? Sometimes when we find ourselves in this new world of equals it can be very moving to fall down and have your wife pick you back up and get you on your feet again!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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