# He doesn't Understand-- I need this baby.



## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

*He doesn't Understand-- I need this baby. UPDATED*

My husband of 3 years and I were recovering from a stillbirth I had early last year. I am now pregnant again, and have now developed Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy also within the last year. It's a heart disease. I've talked to my cardiologist and gone for second and third opinions and they have all said, given my history it is okay to go ahead with the pregnancy. Of course there are risks and I've considered them, but I want this baby more than anything and I may not be able to do this if my condition worsens when I get older. 

My husband is not only so against the idea, but he wants me to terminate the pregnancy because he doesn't believe it's worth the risk to my life. He doesn't understand that I need this and not having his support on this is not something I'm sure I can deal with for the next six months. 

What should I say to make this clear? 
Or do I have any right to demand this from him?

-----
Update as of November 2010
See Last Post.


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

Talk about it until you are both in enthusiastic agreement. A marriage counselor may help in the negotiation process and dialogue. This is an important decision for you both as well as your unborn childs. Tough spot. I'm sorry.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you Terra, I appreciate it. 

I don't really know what I came here for but you're probably right. This needs to be talked out. 

The only thing I'm worried is if I'm asking for too much here.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

violently unhappy said:


> I've talked to my cardiologist and gone for second and third opinions and they have all said, given my history it is okay to go ahead with the pregnancy. Of course there are risks and I've considered them, but I want this baby more than anything and I may not be able to do this if my condition worsens when I get older.


The doctors are saying it's ok, and this sounds like it's your one shot at babymaking. So I say go for it. But then I'm an objective observer, so all I have is logic and reason...  

The truth of the matter though is that this is not something you will be able to make a logical decision about. This is going to be a lot of hormones and emotion. I suspect you'll just end up hating him if you abort the baby. Plus I suspect you'll just hate him if he doesn't support you. If he chooses either option it will probably destory your marriage.

Likewise he's reacting from emotion as well. He's scared of losing you. Terrified of you dying on him giving birth leaving him alone with a baby he doesn't know what to do with. He's trying to save you, but ultimately if he pushes that route hard enough he will lose you anyway. He's trapped.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, the lap bars are in place and the rollercoaster has left the station and you're both sitting together listening to the _clink clink clink clink clink_ as you climb the lift hill. It's a little too late to say you don't want to be sitting here. It's scary as hell and you can't get off. The first drop is the worst....


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> The doctors are saying it's ok, and this sounds like it's your one shot at babymaking. So I say go for it. But then I'm an objective observer, so all I have is logic and reason...
> 
> The truth of the matter though is that this is not something you will be able to make a logical decision about. This is going to be a lot of hormones and emotion. I suspect you'll just end up hating him if you abort the baby. Plus I suspect you'll just hate him if he doesn't support you. If he chooses either option it will probably destory your marriage.
> 
> Likewise he's reacting from emotion as well. He's scared of losing you. Terrified of you dying on him giving birth leaving him alone with a baby he doesn't know what to do with. He's trying to save you, but ultimately if he pushes that route hard enough he will lose you anyway. He's trapped.


You're right, this is very emotional and I'm very emotional and I have no doubt he's scared, of course he's scared. I'm scared. I should be more understanding and I'm trying but he really isn't trying to meet me half way here.

I will definitely resent him if he keeps forcing the idea of termination on me and I don't know if I have it in me to wait until he comes around. He loves me but he is so frustrated by the decision he feels that I've made without him, that he can't even talk to me. And he's too angry to look at me. You know? Like_ how could I have been so selfish to not consider how this would effect him_. 

And I have considered him. I guess the real problem is, we don't want the same end game here. Or maybe we do, he just has different circumstances. And he's unapologetic about his unwillingness to compromise. 

As things are, we're not talking. And any attempts I make to talk about it are met with "Please, not now." I hate feeling like I've made him feel like his concerns don't matter to me.

I'm just at a complete loss of what words to say to make this okay.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well as a man to man comment... 

The current concept of marriage and the current legal system supporting it _is a trap _for men. Basically if you're a man you have no legal rights over fetal development, and you're on the hook legally for child support until the kid turns 18, even if you can DNA test and prove the child isn't yours. (and if you don't pay the child support and alimony for your cheating pregnant by another man/men wife, they will throw your ass in jail. They are even suing semen donors for child support these days - but I digress)

Personally my marriage is a quite pleasant comfy trap, and I like it. But I have no illusions that my marriage would survive my wife becoming pregnant and me asking for her to end the pregnancy. Women just become EMOTIONALLY UNHINGED PERMANENTLY regarding the man who got them pregnant demanding to end a pregnancy they want to keep it.

If a woman wants a baby, this is a massive biological urge at work and she will literally do anything to achieve that goal. Husbands are basically passengers on this issue. If she wants two kids, you get two kids. If she wants four kids, you get four kids. If she wants three kids, and you have two kids and a vascetomy, you better have frozen some swimmers, because otherwise kid number three won't be yours. (Oh there will be a big fight, and a separation, another man, an accidental pregnancy, her crying and begging to come back to you, or just a straight up divorce and a new husband and pop her #3 is here.) It's like Jurassic Park... _nature finds a way._

My wife for instance is on birth control pills. I used to check the bubble pack thingy once in a while. Then I realized she could just be flushing them. Even if I watched her take them, she might just cheek them and spit them out when I'm gone. I'm thinking I'm getting arrested at some point if I'm wrestling her to the ground each morning with her pill in a piece of cheese. She's either taking her birth control pills or not. I have no control over this. I'm on the hook for as many kids as she wants. In fact I've swung a couple times into wanting more kids, and she wants just two. (Guess how many kids we have folks!)

So as a man to man comment. Your choice is simple, support the pregnancy, or don't support the pregnancy. But you are on the hook for this one like it or not. And I do mean legally as well as emotionally. If you're going to squirt semen into a vagina, these things can happen. Wear condoms and dispose of them yourself, or get a vascetomy being your best future defense. (though as pointed out before, these are hardly fool proof)

Though like I say. It can be a quite pleasant enjoyable trap.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

I guess just wanting him to want this as badly as I do, is asking a bit much. Thank you for your help, Atholk. 

I guess I just have to keep trying to get through to him.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think its the fact that most guys don't become 'fathers' until they hold the baby and bond with it. Mothers are mothers from the get go - we bond in the womb. He is worried about loosing you - you are concrete to him - the new baby is not. Can you really blame him for wanting you to be safe and alive? My husband is the same way - he doesn't believe in abortion the majority of the time- but he admits if it was me or the baby he would most definitely pick me. I'm not saying what you should do - that's a decision that you 2 need to make together (maybe that's something for him to - did you discuss it before making your decision or did you just tell him how it was going to be? If so you did leave him out of the decision process) - just trying to explain how he might be feeling.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> I think its the fact that most guys don't become 'fathers' until they hold the baby and bond with it. Mothers are mothers from the get go - we bond in the womb. He is worried about loosing you - you are concrete to him - the new baby is not. Can you really blame him for wanting you to be safe and alive? My husband is the same way - he doesn't believe in abortion the majority of the time- but he admits if it was me or the baby he would most definitely pick me. I'm not saying what you should do - that's a decision that you 2 need to make together (maybe that's something for him to - did you discuss it before making your decision or did you just tell him how it was going to be? If so you did leave him out of the decision process) - just trying to explain how he might be feeling.



I definitely understand and this is not something I went behind his back and did and just told him to deal with it. It was unexpected, unplanned but it's happening and since I'm already pregnant there's not much I can do. Even if I choose not to act, this baby isn't going to hit the pause button with me. And I don't have it in me to terminate. This is what I've wanted for some time, and I don't know if I can get this chance back, and I'm not sure I want to pass it up. I understand what he's feeling, I do. And maybe this isn't fair to him but this shutting me out isn't going to solve things. 

I guess I just want him to have as much faith in me as I do in us. 

Do I give him space, time? Should I keep at it until he talks to me?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

violently unhappy said:


> Do I give him space, time? Should I keep at it until he talks to me?


i would give him space. i dont think you should keep at it. let him come to you if he wants to, but you both know where you stand and there's no reason to try and change anyone's mind. you feel hurt that he wants to change your mind, so itd make you a hypocrite if you set out to change his. 

but i do think you need to find a support group. you need to be surrounded by people who support what you want, someone you can talk to about your fears during this time. its not going to be your H. i personally think it was extremely wrong of him to ask you to abort your baby.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

Update as of November 2010

About three weeks after my first posting on this website, I experienced what my OB-GYN called a "spontaneous abortion" or a miscarriage and I'm afraid I have not been the same since.

My husband was been very supportive, really the best husband that a woman could ask for.

But I still don't really think he understood how badly I wanted this. I have nightmares, I wake up in cold sweats and I find myself searching my stomach with my hands, frantic. It just doesn't seem real.

And he's supportive, really -- he is. Which makes everything I'm about to say so much more difficult.

I think I hate him.
No, sometimes I do hate him.

I'm grieving the loss of the child I wanted more than anything and will never know. And he's grieving my loss of my child. Does that make sense?

He's not sorry with me, he's sorry for me. And anyone with half a heart could be sorry for me, couldn't they?

This anger, which is becoming increasingly difficult to conceal, is eating at me and I am completely aware of the possibility that this might more than a little irrational.

But he's treating this like it was a failed project of mine, instead of the loss of our dreams. He said he wanted kids as bad as I do.

So why do I get the feeling he feel's relieved. After something so terrible, he feels relieved.

I can't bring this to him, so please, some perspective. I don't want to hate my husband.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

VH,

I'm sure that part of him is sad that it didn't work.

Part of him is also glad that he didn't lose you.

Is that really so bad?


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

First let me say, i am truly sorry for your lost. there is no other pain like a mother with empty arms. i to have experienced this pain. I pray that you will be strengthen and that God will bless you with the desires of your heart.

As for you husband. Men deal with things so differently and i know during this time more than anything you want to feel a sense of togetherness and shared emotion. from your first post he might just be relieved that you are ok. men can't always feel the hurt of losing a child because they never carried that child in their body. but he does know how it feels to love you and not want to lose you. I would say just tell him how you feel and tell him what you need from him at this difficult time.

God bless you!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

*Re: He doesn't Understand-- I need this baby. UPDATED*



violently unhappy said:


> My husband of 3 years and I were recovering from a stillbirth I had early last year. I am now pregnant again, and have now developed Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy also within the last year. It's a heart disease. I've talked to my cardiologist and gone for second and third opinions and they have all said, given my history it is okay to go ahead with the pregnancy. Of course there are risks and I've considered them, but I want this baby more than anything and I may not be able to do this if my condition worsens when I get older.
> 
> My husband is not only so against the idea, but he wants me to terminate the pregnancy because he doesn't believe it's worth the risk to my life. He doesn't understand that I need this and not having his support on this is not something I'm sure I can deal with for the next six months.
> 
> ...


Wait until your illness improves, you need medication first.
I know many babies whose mother were under medication, they're born with many medical problems.

You need a baby, right, but you need to take good care of yourself first before having one. You don't want your baby to suffer from medical problems from the moment he/she was born.

Otherwise, you should consider adoption.

Both my husband and I want a baby, but I'm having some medical issues as well, I'm 36. I want to wait half year or so, for medication, I want to wait a healthy moment for my preganacy.

After all, I don't want my baby has health problems.

You have to be responsible to the new life's health. You don't want a miscarriage/stillbirth that breaks you heart again.

Doctors can't guarantee you the health of the baby. The more you have problems the more business they can make.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

Conrad said:


> VH,
> 
> I'm sure that part of him is sad that it didn't work.
> 
> ...



I understand that, I'm happy that I'm that important to him because he's that important to me. But the part of him that is sad this didn't work out, is not enough. 

Conrad, it's bad because I can't help but wonder if this is something he wished for. I know it's wrong to go there but he was so adamant that we terminate that I can't help but feel like this is something he was almost rooting for and it makes me sick to think. 

And I need him to tell me that this has hurt him just as badly as it hurt him. I get that men aren't fathers until they hold their babies but before the stillbirth about two years ago, he was in love with our unborn baby just as much as I was. And we mourned that loss together. 

He gave up on me and let me deal with this on my own.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I can feel the pain in your words.

Yet, if you were my wife, I'd be so relieved I didn't lose you, it would be difficult to be overwhelmed with grief.

That cannot be all bad - that he cherishes you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss honey. 

I am just going to express a side, and if I am totally off base then feel free to tell me. I operate quite different from most people emotionally. I can see your hurt, and I am not trying to trivialize it at all. What I am going to say, is that I think your husband is hurting just as much as you, but in a different way. 

The loss of your first baby could have pushed him into a place where he went numb and was honestly afraid of being excited about another pregnancy. Not because he didn't care or want it, but because he was scared to be hurt again. I think this is a really big possibility. Some people grieve within the guidelines that most people do. Other people, such as myself, tend to grieve a little differently. Instead of showing any excitement about the baby he pushed himself into fear. Fear of something crushing him like that again. 

Again, if I am off base I am truly sorry, but I don't think you really believe that he hoped for this to happen. I think you are angry that he isn't grieving the same way you are, and since your pain is so deep you see it as him not caring. Try and look through it and see if he is hurting while trying to remain strong for his lovely wife, whom he was deathly afraid of losing with his child. Sending so many hugs and prayers to you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

violently unhappy said:


> I get that men aren't fathers until they hold their babies but before the stillbirth about two years ago, he was in love with our unborn baby just as much as I was. And we mourned that loss together.


This right here says alot. At that time, neither you or him KNEW of your condition , he celebrated, he dreamed of the child's future, he had the hope of any expectant father at the time, there were no thoughts of loosing you -due to loosing a baby, no warnings from Doctors of the risks. He was not walking on egg shells every day worrying if your condition would result in your death. 

I can understand where you are coming from, but also where he is coming from. The reason so many are trying to help you see "his side" of things is because this will only help you and him. You need time to grieve. If you stay frozen where you are, what do you think this will do to your marraige? 

The man didn't want to loose his wife, the RISK was not worth the loss. He is only being honest before you. I think what DawnD says above makes alot of sense . Many of us refuse to get our hopes up again -after such loss. We guard our hearts. 

You know from the past conception & loss that He wanted this AS MUCH as you. In no way feel he did not want a child. A monkey wrench has been thrown into your lives, it has changed everything. This can not even be looked at the same as any other pregnancy -again -where the mothers life is now in jeapordy. 

I am so sorry for you loss. Your husband loves you very much.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

violently unhappy said:


> The only thing I'm worried is if I'm asking for too much here.


It is hard to know for sure given the info so far. But it is good that you are considering this. If your life is at risk, you are possibly asking him to
- live without you
- raise a child without you

That is a lot. 

Have you considered adoption?

I don't envy you. This is a tough decision. Good luck.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Also please consider that since men are not able to carry children your H will NEVER truly understand how you feel. That is something that is not within his control, nor should it be.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What makes this all the more unfortunate, is that you and he are caught in a dynamic that _he_ can do nothing about.

You're both still trapped. I don't doubt for a moment that your emotions are very real and very painful, but you are also projecting a lack of emotion onto your husband. 

It isn't fair. It isn't healthy, and if not addressed may end up costing you the marriage. "Hate" is a pretty strong word to associate with your spouse.

Wish you well.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I am a 'survivor' of Stillbirth. Short background (hopefully) H and I dated 4yrs, he is 11yrs my senior. Has 1 son from prev marriage born with medical conditions, wasnt to live is now 27 full capable and smart. H didn't want to marry due to me being younger deserve kids. At time, kids was not focus a partnership with my bestfriend was. Split for while, then married 2 yrs later. 

3 yrs into marriage I'm pregnant complete fluke/accident. Was taking BC pills. H was very unhappy at first due to memory relapse of what he went thru with son. After 2nd ultrasound finding out girl, he became happy with and for me. Enjoyed it all. He felt having daddies girl he would be different then he was with son. The divorce was ugly and he traveld 6hr drive to get son every other weekend. 

Well, at 40 1/2 wks, all is well, schedule C-section. BAck up..also my dad is dying of lung cancer the last 3 ms of my pregnancy and it was his first granddaughter inwhich I surprised him on his birthday when found out a girl. Never seen dad light up like that in mylife. Okay..so 2 days before c-section wake up to pool of blood. She passed, no idea why. Autopsy shows completely health all organs. So..I've now given my H his 2nd worste nightmare ever that he never wanted and wanted to avoid. Then 2 weeks later dad dies. To cope, I believe she was meant for my dad. Soooo....

Year later, I want another. I deserved it, so I felt. No way. He refused! I felt his life went back to 'normal' he was content fine and moved on. Not me. I suffered 2 deaths in too short of time and could not choose or find right time to grieve for each individually. Went to counseling for 3 months then found out counselor pregnant so that left very sore spot for me and I quit.

H so against now, I decided I didn't care. I deserved it. I stopped BC pills. Yes, popped um out, flushed. End up pregnant. He's through the roof. I prepared self mentally, he would leave me. Today, kinda wish he would have. Instead, 2 months into pregnancy he schedules vasectomy. Yes, I signed and cried entire day. He hated entire 9 months. Not happy it was miserable for me. 

She's now 6, soon to be 7. Apple of his eye! But, 7 yrs later I'm loaded of guilt and resentment. Resent he never enjoyed, that I couldn't enjoy, that now she questions me constantly for sibling and why or where is sissy. She cries once in while wishing sissy was here for her to play with. That eats me like a bad flesh eating disease. H has even said he felt I 'trapped' him. I told him at 28 didn't care about kids..only wanted him.

Guess what I'm saying, is if this is that important, and he is that adamit, be prepared. I'm 7 years later now feeling I need out. Although he forgives me and says he obviously subconciously must have knew right thing to do since he didn't get vasectomy after Kaycee (stillborn) that it was meant to be, I still resent. And it has brough out other long standing deep issues that I've hid for years. 

So....do counseling, together, apart, what ever to make you and him feel right. If not, it will resurface. May take years, maybe just days or months. But it will. So sorry for you loses. It's one of the worst things to go through. In my thoughts and I pray things work out for you and better results in the end.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I've suffered the loss of two pregnancies, so I know how you feel. Because we carry the pregnancy and physically nuture the child, women feel a bond that men/fathers can never truly understand. 

So the loss, while grieved by your husband also, is different for a woman - I truly believe that.

So while he is grieving different, that doesn't mean that he is not just as torn up about the loss that you are - men just express feelings differently (mainly to show they don't have any so they do not appear weak). Now while he is probably upset, he is also happy that your life is no longer in danger and it's hard for him to balance out the two within his own mind.

I don't think he gave up on you, I think he is trying to deal with the grief, etc., in his own way and its difficult for him to take on your grief also.

Don't let this tear you apart - we realize our true character based on how we handle those challenges that life throws us.


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## Kaitlin (Nov 10, 2010)

Please don't view this as him not being "supportive." This is him being protective the one thing he loves, and doesn't want to live without: YOU. I understand your desires perfectly, but a man is wired to fix and protect, and as much as he probably wants a child with you too, he doesn't want the risk to be your life. Maybe it's time that he sit down and talk with one of your doctors. It's one thing to hear from you, or even them, that it's "going to be okay," but to have it all spelled out might help him relax and see that he can be happy about this.


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## Kaitlin (Nov 10, 2010)

I just saw your update, and I wanted to say I am truly, deeply sorry for your loss. I know that does nothing to ease the pain, but I felt the need to say it.

As for your husband, people grieve differently, so in your own grief and pain don't think that just because he isn't reacting the same way that he doesn't feel the same pain. Please read my other post, and I hope that you both will seek counseling to heal this rift between you two, and help you both to see more clearly how the other feels and why.

*hugs.*


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just my thought on husbands,and dads.

When my wife of 6 years told me she wanted to have a baby (even though she told me before marriage she never wanted children)

I was very reluctant even pissed off. But I could tell this was a big issue and super important to her she was just 32yrs turning old and the bioligacal clock must have kicked in. 

I had a real hard time through her pregnacy. watching her body change was not for me. I know some people think pregnacy makes a woman glow and more beautiful. That was not the case with me I was kind of gross out. ( I never told my wife any of this)

I went through a phase of feeling overwelmed with thoughts of being a good enough father /provider its a huge responsiblity rasing a child for 18yrs or more.It was very stressfull for me and to top it off she had really difficult pregnacys hosp. stay for the last 6 weeks of her term and then the baby came out 8 wks premature.

with all that said I didn't get into it until the baby arrived and then your so busy you don't even have time to think about it and the bonding begins.

I guess what i'm saying is at least for me it was a diffucult process and I think as guys we hide our emotions so as not to show weakness about the doubts we have with a changing more demanding responsibilites comming our way. I don't know how I would have reacted if we had lost our child at birth.I think a little of me would have been relived about the responsibility / good father thing was not an issue anymore and because we don't typically bond with the new baby until it already here is easyier for us to overcome the tragic lost 

I got distracted a couple of time as I was writing this so I hope it makes some sense.

Now I have to say that being a father is really cool and I am loving it. watching my children grow and mature is more fun than I thought possible. although it is a lot of commitment and work some how it seems all worth it.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

First, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. I, too, lost a child so I know how painful it is.

That being said, however, it sounds like you are wanting your husband to do the very thing you are not willing to do yourself. You want him to feel the way you feel and think the way you think about the baby.

How do you think you would feel if you found out your husband was posting the very same things about you on this forum that you are posting about him? Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to be cold. I'm just saying that his feelings are no less valid than yours. They are no less right or wrong. You both have your reasons for feeling the way you do and you are both entitled to those feelings.

The thing that I see really matters here is that he is there for you. Some men can't handle the role of an emotional supporter. They tend to avoid the situation and sometimes even run in the opposite direction. The fact that your husband is standing by you and is empathizing with your hurt is pretty amazing. I don't think it is necessary that a person understands, or even agrees with another person's pain, so long as they respect the fact that that pain matters. Your husband seems to be doing that very well.


Best of luck to you!


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

I am so sorry for you Violent, but I think him wanting to abort the baby for your health is what is causing the anger. Because he felt like that right before you lost the child you are blaming him which is very normal. Grief counseling would be a good idea for you two. 

Your first post in response to it is that your Husband wanting the abortion was concerned for your health and well being. He isn't thinking of the emotional just the physical. He doesn't want to lose you. He is also very emotional probably in private so as not to make you go through this with him and he probably thinks he is doing it to save you grief.

He also has lost two children which he has to come to terms with, talk to him, scream at him, throw a fit on the floor if you have to but you guys need to open up.

Your desire to have children is very understandable as I was there for a long time and children will come, but sort these feeling out before it ruins what sounds like is a good marriage.


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## violently unhappy (Nov 13, 2009)

The posts here have given me a lot to think about, but I do want to clear up a few things because I don't want to seem like the selfish ***** who doesn't understand what her husband is going through. 

I really took the words of posters here seriously and tried to talk to my husband in case I was there was something he was feeling that I was missing. 

But that isn't the case. He isn't hurting in his own private way Why would he? He's been very vocal about how he's felt about everything since the very beginning, otherwise I don't think he'd tell me outright that he wanted us to terminate at the start of this. He wasn't being strong and silent for me and YES he very much did let me do this on my own.

I went to appointments alone, I did all the reading for my pregnancy alone. And he was frustrated with me the entire time. 

And now some days he'll catch me upset and he gives me this pitiful look and he just looks like he has an "I told you so." right on the tip of his tongue. Like I did this intentionally to inflict pain on my self. 

And yes, I've heard several times from many different people that men don't become fathers until they hold their children, but I know my husband and a few years ago when we lost our first to stillbirth, those months before he was just as ready as I was and we did everything together. It's like this time there wasn't anything in it for him. He's kind but everything is coming from him like an outsider.

It's almost polite, and not coming from a real place. 

He put all the baby things into storage without talking to me about it and then brought up making "the spare room" into a home office for the both of us. 

I'm glad he wanted me alive more than anything and I don't want to seem like that bratty wife that wants her husband to pay for private school AND be at home all the time. I get that I don't get it all, and I don't WANT to be angry with him, but I am. 

I feel like this has probably done more damage to us than either of us is ready to admit, and I guess what I really want to know is that if these feelings are something a couple can come back from and am I crazy for thinking he may not be the kind of man I want to be with anymore. 

I'm not like him, I can't slap a "MOVE ON" sticker on my life and start painting walls different colors.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

violently unhappy said:


> The posts here have given me a lot to think about, but I do want to clear up a few things because I don't want to seem like the selfish ***** who doesn't understand what her husband is going through.
> 
> I really took the words of posters here seriously and tried to talk to my husband in case I was there was something he was feeling that I was missing.
> 
> ...


The last line in this post is interesting.

You don't have to be like him to love him and understand that men and women are very different creatures and handle crisis differently

just except him for his strong nature and explain to him that you need time to heal and it would be very helpful if he could be there for you in your time of need. He probley dosen't know what to do or how to act and is just trying to forget it.

I think he was hurting and how he deals with it is to block it out and hope it fades away.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What you are experiencing is called *The Female Rationalization Hamster.*

On a deep level your body wants to get pregnant and have another baby. "You" are not just your brain and your body some sort of secondary transportation device to move your brain places. "You" are in fact your body, and your high functioning human brain was one of the last parts of your body to evolve and develop. Your brain is an adaptive tool for your Body's Agenda and your Body Agenda has some much deeper and more primal functions effecting your behavior than your "smart" part of your brain.

So your Body Agenda wants to get pregnant and have children, and your higher brain is a tool to get that job done.

So far though, your husband is 0 for 2 in terms of getting you pregnant with babies that go to term. Plus he has verbalized that he does not want you pregnant and taken actions to show that he doesn't want to see you get pregnant either. So as far as your Body Agenda is concerned, your husband is a colossal fail as a mate. He can't get it done, plus he doesn't want to get it done.

So your Body Agenda informs your brain that you don't want to try again with this guy. You of course love him still, but you have to destroy that in order to move on and find a new mate. So your brain kick starts *The Female Rationalization Hamster* and goes into total overdrive finding ways to dislike him, hate him, attack him, fixate on his faults and so on. My hunch is that he's probably not done _anything _"right" in your eyes since the second miscarriage. Your thoughts just go round and round and round about him like a hamster on a wheel.

You very probably do still love him and are a basically nice person. You likely have no real objective interest in leaving him or cheating on him. So on one hand you want to stay and be married, but you also have an intense drive for a child. Plus he very likely does love you and is acutely aware that you are hating him for not wanting to risk you. He's just taking whatever body shots you've dished out for the last few years, weathering your storm of hate and hoping it will pass. Unconsciously though, you are seeking the destruction of your relationship in order to find a new man.

Also from his point of view - you're 0 for 2 in carrying his child. Plus you have some heart disease. You might not be his golden ticket to a happy family with a couple kids either. In fact it sounds like he's sacrificing that to be with you.

So your choices seem to be;
(1)to split and and try with someone new
(2) stay together and roll the dice on another pregnancy
(3) stay together and accept childlessness.

The place to make that decision together would probably best be done with some counseling help. I have no advice as to which you choose. That's for you and him to decide.


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