# How would you respond to this? Please read need some advice.



## SaraR (Dec 20, 2013)

Hi Everyone.

I'm new to this board. I had a big falling out with my husband this morning, and I need some incite. 

My DH and I have been married for 6 months now. We have been together for a year and 1 month total now. 

When we got married we moved to another state. My husband owns his own company and has been doing relatively well in our new state. I found a better job here, and we have both been striving and focusing on ourselves and marriage.

Now as with all businesses, you have your good days and your bad days. Considering its the holidays too, he has been very slow. Im still working, but money is a little tight right now. But bills are all paid. 

Long story short, Hubby this whole week has been really down and depressed. Like completely shut down. Here physically but not mentally.

So today while he was driving me to work, hes like

DH: "No more Mr. Nice guy, not with you, or anybody anymore. I helped too many people and now I'm in this situation because I'm stupid and nice"

ME: Okay babe, but what does that have to do with me? I didn't tell you to loan all the people who now owe you money. 

DH: You made me like this. You tell me to be nice to everybody, and tell me Karma is a *****. So everyone thinks I forgot. That I'm not going to do anything about it.

ME: Yeah babe I do. Because nobody is worth it. Either take them to court, or drop it. But violence is not the answer, and I wont listen or support any ideas of confronting people on your own. What if you all start to get physical? Or something happens to you. Lets do this the right way.

DH: You made me a looser.

That hurts me so bad. I love this man so much. And he always treats me well. Sends me text messages randomly stating how I make him a better person, and he loves me, and changed cause of me. And he has never been violent or anything. But how can he say this to me? 

How is this my fault everybody? I'm just so stunned and confused. I cant believe he feels like that. What do I do? How do I respond to that? He said all this right before I had to go into work. I just exited the car, said bye, and went into work. But I'm just so sad. Cant focus on work, and honestly don't know how to deal with this.

Everyone what do you think? How would you respond? Do you think I am over reacting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SaraR said:


> DH:* You made me like this*. You tell me to be nice to everybody, and tell me Karma is a *****. So everyone thinks I forgot. That I'm not going to do anything about it.
> 
> DH: *You made me* a looser.


EW. I'd tell him to stop saying anyone MAKES him do anything. he is a grown a$$ man who needs to have accountability.

Him lashing out at YOU and blaming YOU for anything that goes wrong with him is a d!ck move.

I read that is: someone hurt me so let me hurt you. Nope.

Tell him it is not fair for him to be taking out things that happen to him out on you and blaming you.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You should tell him to grow up!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sounds like he's really feeling sorry for himself right now. The thing is to not let him pin it on you, because it's simply not your fault. Is he the sort of fellow to get depressed, or do you not know yet due to the relatively short duration of your relationship?


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## SaraR (Dec 20, 2013)

karole said:


> You should tell him to grow up!


I agree. I have said this too. He is 28 I am about to be 26. And I am a firm believer in there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. 

Because I know that if he confronts his cousin for the money, they will end up physically fighting. They used to be real close and are not anymore.

All,

Im just sad by this. He has never made me feel like this.


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## SaraR (Dec 20, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Is he the sort of fellow to get depressed, or do you not know yet due to the relatively short duration of your relationship?



He does let things bother him easily, but usually the next day he is over it. This week, ALL WEEK, he has been feeling sorry for himself, saying stupid things. I understand business is slow right now, then TRY to do something about it. But its not the end of the world.

He does not want to eat dinner because he does not have an appetite, when I tell him about my day hes uninterested, and if he does ask about my day, I don't want to tell him, because I don't want to make him feel bad that I am working and hes not right now.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

SaraR said:


> Hi Everyone.
> 
> I'm new to this board. I had a big falling out with my husband this morning, and I need some incite.
> 
> ...


Honestly....I wouldn't read into it too much. Your H is probably really stressed out and upset because of the financial problems and it's being reflected on you when deep down, it isn't your fault. You know the saying that you always hurt the people that are closest to you? That's what's happening. If he's always been a great husband then he is a great husband but just having a hard time right now. Maybe he feels like he's the provider for the both of you and now he's not able to do his part to support you financially and he's taking it hard? I wouldn't engage him or fight with him. Just listen to him, don't offer advice unless he asks for it. Just listen. He'll get through it.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sounds like he is just really upset about mainly money. He shouldn't be saying you made him like this though, but people say mean things sometimes when they are upset that they don't mean. Doesn't make it right or okay, but it happens. I would just chill and stay out of way until he is in a better mood. Don't ignore him, but don't try to console him either. He's a big boy and he'll figure it out.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

SaraR said:


> He does not want to eat dinner because he does not have an appetite, when I tell him about my day hes uninterested,.


There is a phenomenon called 'the man cave' which is essentially the idea that we men, when we have had a bad day, just want to go and 'sit in our cave' on our own and relax until we have processed the events of the day for ourselves on our own.

I think women often find this difficult but it is how a lot of us are (including me but, fortunately for me, I no longer have to earn my living)


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

He's mad, he's hurting, and he lashed out.

Give him some time and he'll come back to you. I'd let him know, gently, that his words were a little hurtful, but not right now. Let him process what he needs to process.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Would you describe him as a Really Nice Guy? Is he easy going and non-confrontational even in business? Or is he good at being assertive?

His business is his, not yours. I think you should try to stay out of how he handles business money. I also think you are better off asking him questions rather than giving him your opinion. "Do you think you would get good results from suing him rather than arriving on his doorstep?". But then don't pass judgment on his answer even if you don't like it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SaraR said:


> Hi Everyone.
> 
> How is this my fault everybody? I'm just so stunned and confused. I cant believe he feels like that. What do I do? How do I respond to that? He said all this right before I had to go into work. I just exited the car, said bye, and went into work. But I'm just so sad. Cant focus on work, and honestly don't know how to deal with this.
> 
> Everyone what do you think? How would you respond? Do you think I am over reacting.


Welcome to TAM. 

It sounds like this just sort of hit you out of the blue! Sorry to hear it. I agree that you should steer clear of his business decisions except when asked. If he does ask, make it clear that you're expressing YOUR opinion and give him the freedom to make choices that disagree with your opinions.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SaraR said:


> ... and if he does ask about my day, I don't want to tell him, because I don't want to make him feel bad that I am working and hes not right now.


So he tells you that YOU make him feel a certain way. Apparently you buy into that because now you don't want to tell him about your day. After all YOU don't want to make HIM feel bad.

Wake-up call time: Nobody can make us feel anything. We all choose to feel/react to what other people say and do based on our own choices.

Have you considered MC? It sounds like both of you need to learn how to own your feelings and quit holding one another responsible for what you feel.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Thor said:


> Would you describe him as a Really Nice Guy? Is he easy going and non-confrontational even in business? Or is he good at being assertive?
> 
> His business is his, not yours. I think you should try to stay out of how he handles business money. I also think you are better off asking him questions rather than giving him your opinion. "Do you think you would get good results from suing him rather than arriving on his doorstep?". But then don't pass judgment on his answer even if you don't like it.


^This. 

Give him space. Don't give him advice. Allow him to be a man.... meaning, it's his decision how to handle things so support him in HIS business venture. 

And let him figure out his own karma. Really.

But to answer the original question: I would tell him..... "do what you have to do Sweetie. It's your business, your call. I'll still be here, we're still good, it's business and it's YOURS." See, I believe that grown ups are allowed to make their own calls, if they want advice it should be prefaced or assumed to be prefaced with "If it were me, I would...." 

And if he has to threaten his friends/family/whoever to get paid.... so be it. It's HIS business. Things aren't always nice and pleasant and fair. He has to handle it how he sees fit, and he should be encouraged to handle his own business.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SaraR said:


> Hi Everyone.
> 
> I'm new to this board. I had a big falling out with my husband this morning, and I need some incite.
> 
> ...


When I first read this post, this bit realy jumped out at me. This is a very natural response, but it is also sooo immediately defensive, and does nothing to validate his feelings, and in fact it is telling him effectively that he is wrong, he screwed up, and you want no part in it. While I understand he might very well have BEEN wrong, and did cause his own problems,this did not seem like the right time or place to tell him that in such an unempathetic way. He was already down, you knew he was already down, and you went and kicked him.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

SaraR said:


> He does let things bother him easily, but usually the next day he is over it. This week, ALL WEEK, he has been feeling sorry for himself, saying stupid things. I understand business is slow right now, then TRY to do something about it. But its not the end of the world.
> 
> He does not want to eat dinner because he does not have an appetite, when I tell him about my day hes uninterested, and if he does ask about my day, I don't want to tell him, because I don't want to make him feel bad that I am working and hes not right now.


I'm not very eloquent, but I'm speaking from experience here:

I recognise this as protest behaviour, not toward you, it's just that you're there when the 'people are taking advantage of me' dialogue is running through his head. It's not about you, and I'm sure he regrets his casual remarks, but for the moment he is overwhelmed.

He's withdrawing to try to sort out a problem which seems to dominate this thoughts. Until the problem is under control he will never emerge from the 'cave' as someone rightly called it.

In my experience, I never want casual 'opinions' or 'should' advice. But genuine worked-out practical suggestions are good - you know instead of 'why don't you sue them' which is empty of practical content, it would be: "I've looked into the court option, and this is what you could do (not 'should') if you wanted to: you pay $100 to lodge a complaint, fill in this form right here, and they can award up to X amount".

Another example: instead of: "I didn't tell you to loan all the people who now owe you money."

Try, "I could phone a few of them and have a go at collecting" or:
There is an agency I phoned who specialise in debt collecting. They want 25% of the debt, but at least they'll get you the money within 7 days..." etc.

Practical support: Knowledge based Could-advice, sympathy, supporting action; but never

Casual opinions, should-advice, and 'what are you saying about ME' conversations.

See how I'm offering could-advice? Much better than just telling you 'you're wrong' or 'I agree' etc etc. And if you don't want it, I won't take it personally, so that's the nature of 'man-advice'.

I hope it works out, whatever you do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SaraR said:


> He does let things bother him easily, but usually the next day he is over it. This week, ALL WEEK, he has been feeling sorry for himself, saying stupid things. I understand business is slow right now, then TRY to do something about it. But its not the end of the world.
> 
> He does not want to eat dinner because he does not have an appetite, when I tell him about my day hes uninterested, and if he does ask about my day, I don't want to tell him, because I don't want to make him feel bad that I am working and hes not right now.


There's a shame element in there somewhere. Something shamed him, so he has to kick the one person he expects will not bite back - you.

You COULD bite back, but a smarter move is to have consequences for him treating you unfairly. Obviously he has been taught to not own his responsibilities, to push them off on someone else (you) so HE doesn't look/feel bad. You haven't been married that long, so now is the time to put your foot down and say you will NOT blame me for your actions. If you don't, it will only increase in intensity and ugliness. This is how abusers start out, in fact.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That said, your own choice of words is not conducive to having a good relationship. I urge you to either record yourself or write down what you say to him, to see the effect your strong words have on him. Yes, he screws up. But you telling him what to do will only make him hate you more. Trust me, I'm in the exact same place. And my hus.band's mistakes are in the $100,000 range.

What I've FINALLY learned is that the more I try to fix his problems, the less HE will fix it. I have finally stepped back. Someone owes him $30,000 right now and he's too chicken to press the issue. So be it. I've washed the $30,000 out of my mind. If he chooses to man up and sue the guy, great. If not, well, we never had it. I will no longer tie myself into knots for his mistakes. I will focus on paying bills with my own money and if he happens to pitch in, great.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sara, are you still here? We all care about you and are hoping for the best.

Have you ever worked customer service? You know when a customer walks up and starts complaining about all kinds of things, and sometimes even blames you? Most of the time you are simply the person who happens to be there when they boil over. You are the convenient recipient of their frustration. It isn't personal against you, it is simply their frustrations coming out while you are the one there.

Try to view your husband's irritability in the same light. He's frustrated and probably embarrassed about his business situation. He's a man which means he is wired to be the big bad hunter who provides for and protects his clan, but he is coming home empty handed.

So don't take in his comments personally. Try to look at it as if you're the customer service person behind the desk. "Let me know if there is something you'd like me to do". "I can see how this would make you angry/frustrated". "I'm sorry this didn't go the way you wanted it to". "I'm here for you".

When the crisis is over and things are in a calmer mode, ask him general questions about your relationship. Ask him if he feels you aren't supporting him. And then reassure him that you do support him and you believe in him. Ask him if he thinks you butt in too much. 

My guess is he doesn't speak up in the moment when you say something or do something which bothers him. You may be totally right when you do it, too. But he doesn't discuss it at the time, and then the frustrations simmer for days or months. It comes out later in an outburst like the one you described.

I think you two can solve this pretty quickly if you can both talk about things without being accusatory. This is exactly the kind of thing a marriage counselor can help with, and now is the time to do it before you're both thinking about divorce. Your work probably offers EAP which is free and totally confidential.

There are books and forums which can help. But I wouldn't let things go too much further before seeing a MC. Look at this positively, you have an opportunity to make a course correction which will help you have a long happy marriage.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Thor said:


> Have you ever worked customer service? You know when a customer walks up and starts complaining about all kinds of things, and sometimes even blames you? Most of the time you are simply the person who happens to be there when they boil over. You are the convenient recipient of their frustration. It isn't personal against you, it is simply their frustrations coming out while you are the one there.


Great way of putting it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ME: Okay babe, but what does that have to do with me? I didn't tell you to loan all the people who now owe you money. 

I think your negative reaction set the tone for the argument. You made him feel worse. While he did group you in with the other people in his life, he probably didn't mean to, your his wife after all. 

He was looking for reassurance from you. He was looking for respect and admiration from you even though he feels like crap and is going through a bad time. Ask yourself this,have I been taking him for granted? Have I told him how much I respect him and how proud I am of him? It's very easy to say these things when every thing is OK in the marriage. When things are tough it's even MORE important to say them.

Imagine if you would have responded to his initial statement like this-

Honey, I know you are going through a very bad time now. I am here for you. I appreciate all you do for me even if I forget to say it. It's not fair that people take advantage of you. I am sorry if you feel like that from me. I am proud that you are kind to people and not a DxxK to people. We are in this together, you can lean on me. I will give you more support.

Hope that helps.....my user name says it all. Twenty One years of learning about my husband. Believe me, fights are going to happen. It's a learning process.

Good Luck!!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Ladies: Sometimes a man just wants to bash another mans face in. It has nothing to do with you. Just let it go.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok... getting away from the comments back & forth from the husband to wife...we say things when we're frustrated, feeling down...angry.... we are there, it stings...he probably never meant to hurt you... just talk about it.. how you felt, how he feels... open it up...these things ,so I would feel, are easily forgivable... 

What is the bigger deal in this marital picture is this* >>* WHY is he lending $$ to those who drag their feet, who he has to go after to get reimbursed .... something has to be changed on this front... *this needs addressed.* 

I think the husband and wife should sit down together and discuss a plan to deal with those who think he is some sort of lending machine ..... 

If this was our marriage... I might ask 1 time for our money to be repaid, after that, I would cut them off... they would never get another red cent from either of us.... for being disrespectful when we showed kindness to get them out of a bind...

If people want treated with kindness, they need to show honorability...boundaries need to be erected with his cousins and whomever else is asking to borrow from him.

He may have to eat this loss.. but let it be a lesson to him, and your marriage in the future.. we can't carry other people, they have to carry themselves....unless they are your children -still living at home with you. 

All the replies about this being "his business, let him have his cave"..... it wouldn't be like that for us... we'd brainstorm together to deal with the issues at hand... ..and erect boundaries in the future against this happening again....


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Honestly....I wouldn't read into it too much. Your H is probably really stressed out and upset because of the financial problems and it's being reflected on you when deep down, it isn't your fault. You know the saying that you always hurt the people that are closest to you? That's what's happening. If he's always been a great husband then he is a great husband but just having a hard time right now. Maybe he feels like he's the provider for the both of you and now he's not able to do his part to support you financially and he's taking it hard? I wouldn't engage him or fight with him. Just listen to him, don't offer advice unless he asks for it. Just listen. He'll get through it.


This is probably correct. Stress can really suck and make you say sh*t you don't really mean. Hopefully this will pass. He is pretty young so maybe it will just be a lesson not to loan $$$ unless you are prepared to lose it .


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