# It's our fault



## Brandy905

NEW UPDATE 5/16

This is what we are being told by our 23yr old. 

He is suffering through depression. He just told me a few days ago that he hates himself and he has been cutting himself. My husband and brother-in-law went to talk to him. (I wanted to call crisis or police to take him to a crisis center) The next day he came over and spent time with us. He agreed to go to counseling. Then I had my cousin who is my age and dealt with depression come over, he took him out and talked for hours.

Our fault? He informed us it was our fault because we threw him out when he was 19. We found out he was smoking pot. At that point we wouldn't let him drive until he gave us 2 clean urine screens (which would take approx. 30 days for 1) After the first clean one, we found out he changed to cocaine because it only stays in the system 3 days and he knew when we were testing him.

I can't believe he is blaming us, but we stand by our decision. We had 3 younger children in the house and were not going to accept this behavior. As far as we are concerned he made the choice when he did cocaine. 

Just very aggravated right now, this on top of everything else going on, I am going to loose it!!!


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## EVG39

I would not focus too much on what he says right now. He is ill. You did what you thought was right at the time with the best information you had. The important thing now is that going forward you want to get him into treatment. And it might be a long slog. So take the high road, let his words roll off like water off a duck's back. Make sure he actually goes to the counseling and follows up with the treatment. Keep the attention on moving forward. Whatever benefit dredging up the past has for him, won't help you or your husband. Just keep the focus where it needs to be, in treating his illness.


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## tech-novelist

So we have another casualty of the "War on Drugs"...


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## happy as a clam

His statement is really the depression "speaking."

It's easier to blame you than to look at his own reflection in the mirror and realize that HE is responsible for the choices he made and the situation he is now in.

I would highly recommend AlAnon meetings for you. They will help you understand the addict/user's mentality and will point out the typical bullsh*t excuses he is hurling at you. Believe me, people there have seen and heard it all. You will gain a whole new set of coping skills (and people to talk to who have been in your shoes) by attending those meetings.

Sorry for what you're going through .


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## jorgegene

'it's always everybody else's fault but ours.'

it's actually when we realize that WE are responsible for our own decisions and happiness that 
we reach adulthood. sadly, you're kid is not there.

but IMHO you did the right thing. i think the cliche is 'tough love'.

my brother was a total wreck and got into trouble with the law numerous times and screwed up most of his life.
finally, after about 15-20 years of rebellion, denial and angst, he got his life together and accepted responsibility
for himself. he actually became a pretty awesome guy. i hope your kid doesn't take that long, but never lose hope.


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## Pluto2

You've heard the old adage, depression is anger turned inwards. Well, when he spouts off its all your fault, that's sort his way of saying he's reached maximum saturation for his inward anger. He literally can't take anymore inward anger and so it comes out, partially in cutting, partially in blame-shifting. Depression is an insidious illness. I hope for everyone's sake that he gets treatment and responds in a timely manner. In my experience and if the depression is in the major depressive state, he might not even remember the outburst.


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## frusdil

You did nothing wrong. Your son chose the behaviour, therefore he chose the consequences.

My uncle started using drugs in his late teens, everything was my grandma's fault. She never kicked him out and guess what? Thirty YEARS later, he's now a full blown addict, has been for years, and his entire life has been a complete and utter waste. He's alienated the entire family - he's lied to us, stolen from us and missed his own brother's (my dad) funeral because he was high. He's a disgrace. He was never held accountable and this is the result.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Don't let him bully you into thinking otherwise.


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## lifeistooshort

Addicts and moochers always blame everyone else.....my two sisters are both addicts/moochers and nothing is their fault. One is on jail now for organized retail theft, had her kids taken away for letting drug dealers move in with her and her kids and letting the power get cut off. She also sold her food stamps and would regularly leave them at home with no food while she went to guys' houses to get food and sex. 

To this moment nothing is her fault and she has no family. 

You did the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

I went and am going thru a similar scenario with my 22 year old son. I spent two years bending over backwards trying to "save" him and finally tossed him out when he got a DUI and I discovered at the same time he was stealing from me I assume for drug money. 

The last couple of years have been hard on my son, but that's his doing, not mine, I don't make him take drugs and drink. He just told me last week he is thinking of joining the military because he has no options in life. The truth is I offer him options about every time I see him, drug treatment, tuition for education, help him work on a resume and look for a better job, but he choses to stay on the party merry go round and tries to make me feel guilty for the state of his life. 

Brandy you did the only sensible thing you could do, he needs to be accountable for his decisions.


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## Brandy905

After another episode I was successful last week in getting him to the hospital and in to a crisis center. I know he needs to be there. I just received a call they want me to come and meet with him and his counselor tomorrow. I am going! 


I am just concerned that I am technically in no frame of mind to go. Our oldest son has another infection and is preparing for his 15th surgery next week. I am in the process of getting him in to counseling (it's a special pain-management PTSD counselor) because of his anger. I do know that he is in constant pain and is very frustrated with the past surgeries being unsuccessful, hoping this next one will be sucessful and just wanting to be "normal" again. I know his anger isn't towards me, I am just his soft place to fall. This doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, I cry non-stop. I am trying to take care of myself, I am in counseling trying to deal with everything and understanding his anger. I went to my family doctor who gave me something to take the edge off and help me sleep. We all agree that I am not depressed just over-stressed.

Wish me luck tomorrow, hopefully they won't keep me!


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## jimrich

Brandy905 said:


> NEW UPDATE 5/16
> 
> This is what we are being told by our 23yr old.
> 
> He is suffering through depression. He just told me a few days ago that he hates himself and he has been cutting himself. My husband and brother-in-law went to talk to him. (I wanted to call crisis or police to take him to a crisis center) The next day he came over and spent time with us. He agreed to go to counseling. Then I had my cousin who is my age and dealt with depression come over, he took him out and talked for hours.
> 
> Our fault? He informed us it was our fault because we threw him out when he was 19. We found out he was smoking pot. At that point we wouldn't let him drive until he gave us 2 clean urine screens (which would take approx. 30 days for 1) After the first clean one, we found out he changed to cocaine because it only stays in the system 3 days and he knew when we were testing him.
> 
> I can't believe he is blaming us, but we stand by our decision. We had 3 younger children in the house and were not going to accept this behavior. As far as we are concerned he made the choice when he did cocaine.
> 
> Just very aggravated right now, this on top of everything else going on, I am going to loose it!!!


I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it. 
Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?


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## jld

jimrich said:


> I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
> Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?


I am sorry to hear this, Jim. Maybe you could start a thread about it? Sometimes it helps to talk these things out.


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## Personal

jimrich said:


> I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
> Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?


Since you're not a parent, I'd like to know why you keep resurrecting zombie threads to lecture others on parenting?


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## jld

Personal said:


> Since you're not a parent, I'd like to know why you keep resurrecting zombie threads to lecture others on parenting?


It sounds like he has some pain he might find it helpful to talk out. If he starts his own thread, we might be able to help him process it.


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## Personal

jld said:


> It sounds like he has some pain he might find it helpful to talk out. If he starts his own thread, we might be able to help him process it.


That being the case, hopefully he will do that.


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## Satya

I wouldn't call it guilt-tripping.
I'd call it master manipulation.

Don't accept misplaced blame. Your primary concern is safety, and you acted upon it appropriately.


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## Penny905

jimrich said:


> I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
> Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?



This is Brandy, can't retrieve my name....
I can assure you we are not to blame for his issues. We have done the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. He is actually our nephew who we took in over 16 years ago at the age of 8. His mother got sick and passed away. His father then moved away. He was neglected abused and his father was a druggie. It took a couple years but we took him and raised him.

Regardless of this I don't think all parents are to blame for issues, some parents yes but far from all.


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## SimplyAmorous

Penny905 said:


> This is Brandy, can't retrieve my name....
> I can assure you we are not to blame for his issues. We have done the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. He is actually our nephew who we took in over 16 years ago at the age of 8. His mother got sick and passed away. His father then moved away. He was neglected abused and his father was a druggie. It took a couple years but we took him and raised him.
> 
> Regardless of this I don't think all parents are to blame for issues, some parents yes but far from all.


Sounds you have went above & beyond.. from your initial post.. what you asked of him was REASONABLE... there was *no abuse* in this at all... 

There are children who were emotionally abused, they hate their homes, and still do not turn to drugs or commit crimes.... they may be hell bent on getting out of there & chasing after a better life ... and it sure helps to have some support somewhere during those years .... sounds to me your nephew HAD the support right there with YOU...with a few guidelines to follow.... 

Instead he is choosing to blame someone else for his messes... this makes parenting very difficult... He likely is very angry for the lot he has been given in life.. with the childhood abuse, his mother dying and knowing his father is a Drug addict.. sure doesn't do much for being an example... in cases like this.. it's all that more important that the children do not start down this path... 

Where is he NOW, how has this turned out?


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## Penny905

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## Penny905

SimplyAmorous said:


> Where is he NOW, how has this turned out?


My mother-in-law (his mom's mom) just passed away after the New Year. He is taking it a bit rough. I wish he was doing better but I guess I can't complain. He has an apartment a clunker to drive and a full time job. He just told us this week he is getting laid off the end of March and his apartment lease is up then. He is giving up his apartment and he is going to travel around the US. Our youngest boy just got a newer vehicle so we are giving his old vehicle to him. I can't stop him from doing this but the opportunity to help make sure he is safe has occurred. It isn't costing us anything out of pocket but we are loosing out on the money selling it would bring in. Peace of mind and knowing we did what we could to ensure his safety is priceless.


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## turnera

Traveling might do him some good, give him some perspective young adults rarely have.


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