# Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore



## JuliaP

I'll try to be brief:

Together 9 years, married for 7. We both work full time, have two kids. I do 90% of everything for the kids, but he does work 10-15 hours more a week than I do. 

We get along fine, but our 'love' is dead. For years I insisted that we needed to work on our connection, our closeness, our lack of communication. I read every book out there on the subject, I tried to be the best wife possible, I still look hot, no extra weight, I picked up his interests, I listened to radio therapists, and I even got us in to couples counseling ( but he could never make the sessions). I tried everything possible to get that closeness that I want. It never worked. He tries, but not hard enough. He does not and has never, put me first. 

Now after many years of heartache, I find that I do not feel love for him. And I am not sexually attracted to him. We have great sex 1-2 times a week - I enjoy it, but I pretend that it's someone else. I know he still gets very aroused by me.

Something emotional has been missing for years...and now my body has responded but loosing attraction to him. It's been one year of this. I find myself becoming incredibly attracted to other men, the way I used to with him. 

I don't know what to do. Do I keep waiting this out? Nothing is working. 

Please help.


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## LoveMouse

Explain this to him, let him know you still wanna be friends but you feel it's time to call it quits.
Mouse


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## growtogether

Hello 

Waoow, you did try a lot of stuff, and you said that he did try but he has a lack a commitment...
I wonder why, do you know why is not as much committed than you?
What if you tell him that you are having a lack of love for him, what would he said? What would he do?
So he does try but don't keep up.
What do you want now? Work with him on his commitment or something else?


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## JuliaP

- He doesn't try as hard because he is not into things that involve feelings or communicating. All of the 'try and get closer' things involve allot of feelings & communication. He has told me that he will never change, but then every now and then he does try and change some things.

-Our communication sucks. I can't even imagine telling him I have no love for him. We are financially tied together and will be for at least 3 more years- I fear if I say something and he tries to bolt, it will be a financial bomb. I hate being tied by that, but I am. I do want to tell him because I think he needs to hear it. 

-I feel like all the years I was telling him our lack of closeness worried me, he never took it seriously, he just categorized it as "complaining" and forgot about it. Our friends and family do notice- and fault him for this. Even his own mother who worships him, noticed right away when she came to stay with us. She agrees with everything I feel, and is very saddened by the whole thing.

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable.


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## growtogether

JuliaP said:


> - . He has told me that he will never change...


Is it really true? Like you said he did try, he can be challenged and make some change.
An other thing:

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable. 

Is it really true too? Is it only the money that is holding you do to some important change in your life or is there something else?

You said yourself that he really needs to hear what you have to say. What would you like to tell him then? What would be some benefits to NOT tell him and some benefits to TELL him? Which choice sounds more appealing to you now?


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## KathyBatesel

It sounds to me as if you two speak different love languages. Did you read (and use) the information in Dr. Chapman's book? 

You might be a "quality time" or "words of affection" person, while he's a "physical touch" or "acts of service" person. If you can identify those languages and force yourself to start speaking his language, then you can also provide a couple of measurable steps that you can request from him without pressuring him to speak a language that he's completely uncomfortable speaking. 

It sounds like he sees himself as a provider (acts of service to show his love) and he may not feel appreciated for all the things he "knows" he does to prove his love for you. Meanwhile, if you're a "words of affection" type, then none of that matters if he doesn't tell you sometimes about things that he likes about you. 

So he's also correct in feeling that you "complain" and you're correct about him now showing love or communicating with you in a way you can relate to.


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## VostroDH

I can truly relate to how you feel becuase my H is the same way. I've been married for 23 years to him and I've tried everything. Last December, I finally moved out and told him we need to change things or else it would become permanent. After 4 months of counseling and numerous excuses why he can't or won't try to communicate, I'm basically living in limbo. I too relied heavily on him for financial support but about 4 years ago I started taking specific steps to get myself financially independent. You can do this too. You may not live the same lifestyle but you can take care of yourself. Start taking care of your needs and be honest with him. You can't make him love you.


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## VostroDH

KathyBatesel said:


> It sounds to me as if you two speak different love languages. Did you read (and use) the information in Dr. Chapman's book?
> 
> You might be a "quality time" or "words of affection" person, while he's a "physical touch" or "acts of service" person. If you can identify those languages and force yourself to start speaking his language, then you can also provide a couple of measurable steps that you can request from him without pressuring him to speak a language that he's completely uncomfortable speaking.
> 
> It sounds like he sees himself as a provider (acts of service to show his love) and he may not feel appreciated for all the things he "knows" he does to prove his love for you. Meanwhile, if you're a "words of affection" type, then none of that matters if he doesn't tell you sometimes about things that he likes about you.
> 
> So he's also correct in feeling that you "complain" and you're correct about him now showing love or communicating with you in a way you can relate to.


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## Runs like Dog

JuliaP said:


> He does not and has never, put me first.


What does this mean?


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## Buildingblocks

WOW....Some women here on this thread have given terrible advises. All i hear from them is Divorce..Divorce..Divorce. I like KathyBetsel's opnion.
Why not just tell your husband that your not feeling love for him anymore. Shock him to bring him back to his senses. Sometimes men need to be told bluntly as it is. The fear of really losing a loved one wakes most guys.


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## VostroDH

Just to clarify, I didn't say divorce--just prepare for the possibility. Honesty first, then if there is no response consider the options.


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## endlessgrief

After trying everything for years hasn't worked, you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt. I am in the same situation. We must block our feelings or else we will be overwhelmed and cry for days. 

Waiting it out doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work if one of the partner is not really into it. A marriage doesn't work if one person is doing 90 percent of the work. Harboring resentment is NOT an aphrodisiac. This is all common sense and you know it. You know what you want to do, but maybe you feel scared to do it. 

Don't let your fear of being a single mother rob you of happiness. He is who he is, you have to accept that. I am right there with you on that one. But once I accepted that he will never change, I felt a bit free. I am not getting what I need emotionally or sexually, but I know it is not my fault. I am married to a person who is broken and only he can fix himself. Problem is, he thinks nothing is wrong with him. And here we go again, the blame game, the merry go round, rollercoaster, whatever. 

Imagine going through what you are right now, but the only change is that his depression is so deep, HE no longer wants to have sex with you or be affectionate. THAT my friend is hell. Try to work this out before you end up like me, sitting alone in my room drinking wine and watching horror movies. 

On the other hand, I would LOVE a horror movie buddy. Wanna come over and watch all SAW movies with me and have some wine?


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## JuliaP

endless grief, you said so many true things, but the most true for me: "you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt" 

Yes, that is it 100%. I cried so many times and felt so alone...I am done with crying. I now funnel my feelings into other things and I do feel much better in that aspect. I am not a sad mess anymore- just a confused mess.

When I said he doesn't put me first, I can put the many many little examples into one: If we both need to be up at 6, I am still the last one up doing dishes- even though we both work and have to be up. His sleep is more important. Or like when we had 10000 for 2 cars- He suggested he gets 6000 for his down payment, I get 4000. The list goes on and on, I am always just third or fourth down the line of priorities. He would spend hours researching online the right tires for his car, or food for the dog, but never once did he ever bother to read about anything related to us or the kids: how to parent, improve marriage, etc... Its all me.

The single mom part doesn't scare me as much as the financial ruin part does. And not having the kids grow up in a home with both parents. I really want that for them, but at what cost? Their happiness is more important than mine. I have become an expert at hiding my unhappiness, actually, I appear quite content to the outside world and to my kids.

IT just 'sucks' to be 31 and think I will never again get to have passionate sex with someone I am attracted to.


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## Davi

You must tell him about this because its a very serious matter in a relationship. If you want to save your relationship, then you have to work on it...Like, you should do some different things in for your bond..


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## MrK

Hmmmm.

Together 9 years, married 7. Interesting. And you say you don't love him any more. Now what advice do we give to someone whose marriage is like...

90% OF THE GD MARRIAGES OF PEOPLE WHO POST ON THIS BOARD!

DAMN people. This is a freakin' EPIDEMIC and we treat it like something that is new EVERY TIME SOMEONE POSTS IT!! Details? She's a woman and she got married. What more do you need to know? When are we going to start treating this like what it is?

Ladies: THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING OUT THERE!!!

Your man farts. He scratches his ass. Hair starts growing where it shouldn't and stops where it should. He's going to spend more time on his hobby than accessory shopping with you. You will grow apart. Please. Understand this before you marry.

WOMEN FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS. Shout it from the damn rooftops. And please: Stop treating it like a unique situation when it does. It sucks, but move on or DEAL WITH IT!

DAMN!!!


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## MrK

Oh, and if it wasn't implied in my post: STOP BLAMING THE MAN FOR IT AND OWN UP TO YOUR PROBLEM. The generation before you screwed you over. They didn't explain it to you. Just like the generation before and the one before that. Now, you are all connected. You see a common theme. Please. PLEASE!! Explain this to your daughters. Prepare them. 

Please.

And I'm begging for the men. You won't be so quick to say "I DO" if the odds are pretty damn good you know you'll hate him within 10 years. I don't care about you. It's my fellow men who are ready to commit to someone who is genetically hard wired to fall out of love with them I am fighting for. We don't need this **** in our lives.

Am I being too vague?


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## Catherine602

There are no consequences if he ignores you so he does. He is getting all of his needs met so why should he change. He does not take you seriously because you don't take yourself seriously. 

In essence, your husband is telling you that you are not worth the trouble to make any changes. He is not worried about consequences because you you have none. You ask him to change he doesn't and you read books and ask him again. 

If you held yourself in a position of importance, you would not be suffering while he is happy. Nothing will change is yoiu continue to be a doormat. 

He is disrespectful and dismissive. You need to give him as much as he gives you. Reflect back to him what he is doing. He is getting everything he needs from you. 

I suggest you take the time that you meet his needs and begin focusing on taking care of yourself. Go to IC and find out why you have allowed this to happen. 

Get involved with activities that take you out of the house. Meet new people get involved in a new hobby that will put you in contact with new people.

You need a new prospective. I don't think money is the reason you are stuck. I think you are put your needs low on the priority list because you don't think you should have any. 

Time to put you and your needs right after your kids. Spend time with them and work on you. 

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That is why your husband threats your as if you don't matter. 

I am sorry but you are at fault for this and only you can fix it. You can't change him so change you. Throw out the relationship books and get some books on self esteem.


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## Catherine602

MrK Go to sleep.


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## MrK

Catherine602 said:


> MrK Go to sleep.


I will do just that. Right next to the woman who fell out of love with me a decade ago or more. Only I had to figure it out on my own. That's another little problem I didn't mention. You don't ****ing tell us it's happening.


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## Catherine602

I think what you have to say to this poster is very important. Extreamly important. There is an aspect of this that is very unfair to him. She is deceiving him by acting happy and not letting him know how unhappy she is. 

I think you should post but in a way that she can hear. I hope you will come back when you get some sleep and communicate. 

You are talking to a woman who represents your wife. You may be able to ask questions and get some answers that you are not able to get from your wife.


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## moxy

MrK -- I don't think the issue is whether or not he is Prince Charming. She isn't lamenting that he isn't perfect, she is frustrated and upset because she feels neglected and abandoned in this relationship. The issue is that the connection between them has been broken and she is trying to fix it but feels like she is the only one who is invested in it because he's too selfish to take the initiative. (That's how I'm seeing your situation, OP). 

You are right to worry that the connection between you both has suffered, but it doesn't mean your marriage is dead or that you can't re-connect. You've probably both grown and changed and you just need to find the attraction between the new you and new him. Don't ignore it. Talk to him and make sure he understands that this is a serious problem for you. Date each other again. Read the Love Languages and Marriage Builders stuff. If you don't find a way to communicate, the rift between you will continue to widen.

Neither of you is cheating or anything like that right? Then, you still have hope. However, if you never even communicate, then you're just choosing to check out of the relationship yourself. Talk to him.


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## Tigger

i also think you should take a look at the languages of love if you haven't already. 

sometimes i think women expect their husbands to act like a girlfriend would. it just won't happen in most cases.

my father wasn't what you would call a warm or demonstrative man but he took care of my mom and us kids. he was a man's man and a good decent hard working man. he worked hard every day until he retired and made a good life for us. she never had to work outside of the home. never lived in a rental and there was no adultery or other disrespectful nonsense. they were married for 49 years.

would he ever look at parenting, or how to love your wife more books or other fuzzy cuddly stuff? no way. 

why don't you make a gratitude list about him and write down all the things you are grateful to him about all these years.


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## LexusNexus

It's so scary how some women are good at pretending. MrK has a good point. I am 30 got married when I was 25 I been with my wife since I was 16. I provided financially 100%. Bought the house. We have 4 year old son. Soon as our son was born (I was 26) we start having fights. I offered marriage counseling, read books, talk, go on vacation. Instead she was searching internet for the best place for laser hair removal, electrolysis, and best Breast surgeon!!! She was telling me everything will be fine. I always put her needs first (I am far from MR Nice Guy) until one day I came home after surgery and she told me it's over I dont love you, and dont have feelings for you for the last 4 years, and its over. I said why you never told me anything I was asking you what can I do to mprove. She said its not you its me, but still blamed me that I said something 5 years ago, or done 8 years ago.
Now please dont get me wrong from my parents example my mom divorce my dad and I dont blame her. My dad is a great person, but he will never change even when she told him if you dont change I will leave. My dad said go ahead. If I was you I will put him in front of the fact. If he still in denial, then it's up to you, but atleast give him a chance. We all deserve a chance. My wife done exactly what you doing she didn't work untill the age 28, when she found good job, she left and ended up with the house.


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## Tigger

LexusNexus said:


> It's so scary how some women are good at pretending. MrK has a good point. I am 30 got married when I was 25 I been with my wife since I was 16. I provided financially 100%. Bought the house. We have 4 year old son. Soon as our son was born (I was 26) we start having fights. I offered marriage counseling, read books, talk, go on vacation. Instead she was searching internet for the best place for laser hair removal, electrolysis, and best Breast surgeon!!! She was telling me everything will be fine. I always put her needs first (I am far from MR Nice Guy) until one day I came home after surgery and she told me it's over I dont love you, and dont have feelings for you for the last 4 years, and its over. I said why you never told me anything I was asking you what can I do to mprove. She said its not you its me, but still blamed me that I said something 5 years ago, or done 8 years ago.
> Now please dont get me wrong from my parents example my mom divorce my dad and I dont blame her. My dad is a great person, but he will never change even when she told him if you dont change I will leave. My dad said go ahead. If I was you I will put him in front of the fact. If he still in denial, then it's up to you, but atleast give him a chance. We all deserve a chance. My wife done exactly what you doing she didn't work untill the age 28, when she found good job, she left and ended up with the house.


how old was your wife when you two got married?


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## LexusNexus

Tigger said:


> i also think you should take a look at the languages of love if you haven't already.
> 
> sometimes i think women expect their husbands to act like a girlfriend would. it just won't happen in most cases.
> 
> my father wasn't what you would call a warm or demonstrative man but he took care of my mom and us kids. he was a man's man and a good decent hard working man. he worked hard every day until he retired and made a good life for us. she never had to work outside of the home. never lived in a rental and there was no adultery or other disrespectful nonsense. they were married for 49 years.
> 
> would he ever look at parenting, or how to love your wife more books or other fuzzy cuddly stuff? no way.
> 
> 
> 
> why don't you make a gratitude list about him and write down all the things you are grateful to him about all these years.


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## LexusNexus

Tigger: we were both 25 I worked my rear end off, and fixed our house myself after work.


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## endlessgrief

JuliaP said:


> endless grief, you said so many true things, but the most true for me: "you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt"
> 
> Yes, that is it 100%. I cried so many times and felt so alone...I am done with crying. I now funnel my feelings into other things and I do feel much better in that aspect. I am not a sad mess anymore- just a confused mess.
> 
> When I said he doesn't put me first, I can put the many many little examples into one: If we both need to be up at 6, I am still the last one up doing dishes- even though we both work and have to be up. His sleep is more important. Or like when we had 10000 for 2 cars- He suggested he gets 6000 for his down payment, I get 4000. The list goes on and on, I am always just third or fourth down the line of priorities. He would spend hours researching online the right tires for his car, or food for the dog, but never once did he ever bother to read about anything related to us or the kids: how to parent, improve marriage, etc... Its all me.
> 
> The single mom part doesn't scare me as much as the financial ruin part does. And not having the kids grow up in a home with both parents. I really want that for them, but at what cost? Their happiness is more important than mine. I have become an expert at hiding my unhappiness, actually, I appear quite content to the outside world and to my kids.
> 
> IT just 'sucks' to be 31 and think I will never again get to have passionate sex with someone I am attracted to.


Julia, I have tremendous regrets about marrying young and to the first man I ever had sex with. I never got to sow my oats. When I hit 35 I wanted to go WILD!!! I figured my H wouldn't notice anyway. To my surprise, he did notice and we had a few hard years.

Self preservation is as natural as breathing. You must protect your heart or it will break. You must put up a wall because you don't want to feel the pain. I get it and my prayers will be with you. Keep us posted okay? Hang in there and come back often to vent if you need to.


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## LexusNexus

Tigger well said: 
Well said, I ask my grandmother who is 83, I ask her tell me the truth did you ever loved my grandfather or had passion for him. She smiled and said never, but he was honest hard working person, who treated me with respected, and I appreciated everything his done. He gave my dad Phd education, bought house for his sister, bought house for his other son, and gave $10k to each grandchild. Not only that he build school, and build road on our street. They were married 51 years, and my grandmother said I am glad that I married him. My grandfather was only 5.5 height and slightly over weight, but people loved him, and every boy in my family was named after him. 

What I am trying to say he never played with me, or my father, or my uncle, or my cousin's. Never bought my grandmother flowers, but he took care of all us, and other people, but everybody loved him for his effort keeping everybody happy.


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## LexusNexus

Edlessgrief very interesting comment. Do you know what my grandfather used to say: Women like a flower it reaches her peak, and men like a whiskey the older it gets the stronger the better he gets. Men in 40's wont date 40 year old women, he will date 25-35. Its a fact.


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## JuliaP

wow....

Well, first off, I am well aware that marriage , real marriage is full of disillusions. I know about the farting, and hair growth, and all that gross stuff. I know that my perceptions of love have been skewed by Disney movies and chick flicks, but I am a realist. I know that stuff happens. If I felt love, I would look at it in an endearing way. 

However, I see other couples, real couples who have a connection that I do not have. That is what I want. To feel close and united with someone. I long for a partnership cemented by friendship, not by $, which is what I have now. I can't leave we are too tied in $$. 

And the reasons I have stuck in so long are that yes, he is a great provider, and he is always there physically, there is no cheating or beating.

And the other poster was right, I have been a f*cking doormat to his needs always our whole marriage and he never takes me seriously. The thing is, I'm not sure he is capable of getting it. Our communication is so bad- I understand him- but he never understands me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

MrK said:


> Ladies: THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING OUT THERE!!!!


Your wrong! I found mine. Sorry your so bitter MrK.

I agree with the poster above who left for 4 months. A trial separation might work.

Although, if your truly done, serve him with papers. It sounds like you've done more then your fair share to save your marriage. It takes both parties to work hard for a successful marriage.


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## JuliaP

Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)

*I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:

-Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives

-He will react only with anger (not physical) and be so blinded by it he will miss the opportunity to accept my honesty and fix the problem

- He will feel like it is an unfixable problem. I think this is most likely. He has already said to me before that he will not change. I must accept him, he will not change.

-He will say he feels the same way. In some ways I would feel okay, but it would also be sad because there would be no love on either end.

-The thing I fear most is that it is unfixable and the love & good sex will not return. I will have to decide if I want to live in a life like this.

-I also fear I am being a spoiled b*tch. There is no cheating or beating. We have a beautiful house. I have all my physical needs met. Compared to women in other parts of the world, I am being spoiled. I feel stupid to be unhappy sometimes.


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## Tall Average Guy

What is your end goal? Is this unfixable in your eyes, so you are looking for an exit, or are you interested in trying to get your marriage where you want it?


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## Hicks

JuliaP said:


> - He doesn't try as hard because he is not into things that involve feelings or communicating. All of the 'try and get closer' things involve allot of feelings & communication. He has told me that he will never change, but then every now and then he does try and change some things.


Are there alot of men out there that are into things that involve feelings or communicating?


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## JuliaP

"What is your end goal? Is this unfixable in your eyes, so you are looking for an exit, or are you interested in trying to get your marriage where you want it?"

My end goal is happiness with my partner. 

I spent years trying to get a connection with him, only to fail. Now, I emotionally disconnected myself, and I am not sure if I want a connection with HIM at this point. The attraction is gone. I don't get any tingly feelings like I used to. I never masturbate to him. Haven't for years! I want a connection with A partner. 

If I could choose: I would want to feel strong feelings for him again so we could keep our family intact. I am doing the 'fake it till you make it', but it's been over a year. How long do I fake it? How long do I keep saying "I love you" and not mean it? I have orgasms when we have sex, but only because I fantasize about someone else. As far as he knows, I am all there. 

When I have tried on many many many occasions, to bring up our problems, it never works. He never sees my point. He tells me he will never change. That he loves me, but this is how he is. So I am left with a feeling of hopelessness. 

Someone said I should put my needs first- my needs of feeling close to someone are important- but I don't want that with him anymore, so how do I do that while remaining faithful?


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## growtogether

JuliaP said:


> Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)
> 
> *I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:
> 
> -Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives
> 
> -He will react only with anger (not physical) and be so blinded by it he will miss the opportunity to accept my honesty and fix the problem
> 
> - He will feel like it is an unfixable problem. I think this is most likely. He has already said to me before that he will not change. I must accept him, he will not change.
> 
> -He will say he feels the same way. In some ways I would feel okay, but it would also be sad because there would be no love on either end.
> 
> -The thing I fear most is that it is unfixable and the love & good sex will not return. I will have to decide if I want to live in a life like this.
> -I also fear I am being a spoiled b*tch. There is no cheating or beating. We have a beautiful house. I have all my physical needs met. Compared to women in other parts of the world, I am being spoiled. I feel stupid to be unhappy sometimes.


Hi Julia,
If you were to list all your fears concerning your relationship, what would they be? I see your fear about money, his angriness, and you fear not to see this situation fixable. What else?
You said that YOU had to decide if you want to live in this situation? You said that HE didn't want to change, what about you? In an other post, you said that your children happiness was more important than yours....is it really true? Do you want to be unhappy the rest of your life for the sack of your children? Don't you think that they would be happier if they see their parent happy? My parent got a divorce when I was 9, and I'm not 22. I'm so thank full they did it because otherwise my perception of love would have been fights, sleeping in different bed, no affection (hugs, kisses)...Now I see both of them being in love again, and it makes me happy. I believed they try hard to make it work, but sometime it doesn't....


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## MrK

Do him a favor and leave him. I don't care about you. I don't care about ANY women who fall out of love with their husbands and don't tell them UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE!!

If my wife had the balls to leave me 15 years ago when she first fell out of love with me it would have DEVASTATED ME! But I'd be happy now. She'd be happy. We'd be moving into our golden years with someone who loves us for who we are, not what we can financially provide.

It can't be fixed? Then leave. **** or get off the pot. You have our permission. Our encouragement, actually. Is that what you wanted?


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## JuliaP

Mrk, I didn't tell him yet until I was 100% sure that I couldn't fall back in love. I wasn't sure if it's something that should be said. I am unsure! That's why I am here, because I am worried it is unfixable and I don't know what else I can try. I am trying to get some other opinions and information before I drop a bomb on him. And talking with him never seems to work. Obviously not everyone who falls out of love doesn't fall back in so maybe there is hope.

Mrk, I'm sorry your wife doesn't love you anymore. Maybe she tried to tell you and you didn't get the message? Maybe you were not open to listening. I don't know your story,, just speculating, but I hope with time your anger passes.

And if she didn't' tell you for 15 years, that was wrong on her part for sure. for sure. I would never wait that long.


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## chillymorn

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wrong! I found mine. Sorry your so bitter MrK.
> 
> I agree with the poster above who left for 4 months. A trial separation might work.
> 
> Although, if your truly done, serve him with papers. It sounds like you've done more then your fair share to save your marriage. It takes both parties to work hard for a successful marriage.


you didn't think he was prince charming when he wouldn't go down on you while you were pregnate!


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## anony2

JuliaP said:


> "What is your end goal? Is this unfixable in your eyes, so you are looking for an exit, or are you interested in trying to get your marriage where you want it?"
> 
> My end goal is happiness with my partner.
> 
> I spent years trying to get a connection with him, only to fail. Now, I emotionally disconnected myself, and I am not sure if I want a connection with HIM at this point. The attraction is gone. I don't get any tingly feelings like I used to. I never masturbate to him. Haven't for years! I want a connection with A partner.
> 
> If I could choose: I would want to feel strong feelings for him again so we could keep our family intact. I am doing the 'fake it till you make it', but it's been over a year. How long do I fake it? How long do I keep saying "I love you" and not mean it? I have orgasms when we have sex, but only because I fantasize about someone else. As far as he knows, I am all there.
> 
> When I have tried on many many many occasions, to bring up our problems, it never works. He never sees my point. He tells me he will never change. That he loves me, but this is how he is. So I am left with a feeling of hopelessness.
> 
> Someone said I should put my needs first- my needs of feeling close to someone are important- but I don't want that with him anymore, so how do I do that while remaining faithful?


What would you feel if tomorrow he gave you his all. Would you accept it? What if he did EVERYTHING you ever wanted? Would you want it? Would you fall back into love if he was the same way he was when you met him?

From my experience, we (women) were taught that love is a very specific thing, we created a box for it, and everything that did not fit into our box, we did not perceive it as love. Your idea of love may be the touchy-feely type love, where he cannot keep his hands off of you. It may be romantic, kisses and cuddling. 

Maybe, he gives you love by being faithful to you, or being loyal to you. Maybe he gives love by being kind to you, or being there for you when you are down. He may think that giving you love is sexing you up for hours. So he could be giving you love, but you aren't recognizing it, because he is giving you what he perceives or how he was taught to give love. 

Do you see how these two 'types of love' may not be compatible? 

This does not mean that it isn't, because most likely, he wants to give you what you want, but he is clueless as to what that is. 
So tell him. Give him the 'keys to the kingdom' and tell him exactly what he needs to do to get in. I hope with all of my heart that you are pleased with what you get, I know you will be.


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## COguy

There has been some truly horrible advice given so far.

First off, you are wanting to move on because you're attracted to other guys. My guess is there is one in particular you want to start an affair with. So you are doom and gloom on your marriage so you have an excuse to have an affair.

My suggestion is two fold:

1. Commit 100% that you will not cheat (emotionally or physically) on your husband. Promise yourself and your husband that you will not pursue other men, you will not do inappropriate things with other men, and you will continue to respect your husband 100% WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED. If you decide to terminate your marriage, you will live out your life with confidence that you had integrity during this difficult period. This attraction you'll feel for other men will cloud your judgement. The chemicals your brain will release when flirting (and then escalating), will cause you to be addicted to the rush, and you will jeopardize your family and marriage. Cheating will devastate your husband emotionally, and is not acceptable under any circumstance.

Please read this thread to get a better idea of where you are at: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38920-women-s-infidelity-book.html

2. You need to communicate with your husband in a clear, no bullcrap way that he will understand. Guys are not women. He does not understand your hints or comments. He has probably tuned you out and is completely unaware of how you feel. You need to shock him. Most men find out about this only after their wives cheat. Give your husband a chance to change before that happens. Tell him very specifically, "I am no longer attracted to you physically, I feel no connection with you emotionally, I am interested in other men." If that doesn't shock him, show him this thread.

At that point, you can have a two-way discussion on what needs to take place to save your marriage. Do not speak in girl-code, give specific practical examples. "We talk for 1 hour every night" "You help out with the dishes and changing diapers every day" "We go on 1 romantic date a week" etc.

Most men with wives that are about to walk away (which you are, you are a textbook case of a woman 1 step away from being a walkaway wife), are completely unaware that their wives are so unhappy. All I can say, again, from experience, is that the damage you will do to yourself, your family, and your husband, from ending your marriage like this (cheating), is unthinkable. You will ruin your children and husband for life, you will lose trust, you will shake your husband's perception of women for the rest of his life. Once you cross that line, you can not go back and live in innocence. Make the right decisions today, give your marriage a chance to succeed.

Speak openly, honestly, and directly about your feelings.


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## Jamison

I say tell him what you have told us here about how you feel about him. Give him some time to absorb it all and at some point, If that doesn't seem to make a difference then I think you have your answer.


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## scione

JuliaP said:


> Mrk, I didn't tell him yet until I was 100% sure that I couldn't fall back in love. I wasn't sure if it's something that should be said. I am unsure! That's why I am here, because I am worried it is unfixable and I don't know what else I can try. I am trying to get some other opinions and information before I drop a bomb on him. And talking with him never seems to work. Obviously not everyone who falls out of love doesn't fall back in so maybe there is hope.


It's not hard to fall back in love with someone that you had feeling for. You should try to make it work. 

He is trying to show you love, but you two simply speak different languages. He thinks showing love is to be a great provider and to take care of family. Your love language is communication. You both are on different pages. 

I think you might have "grass is greener on the other side syndrome." Because from what you described, he sounds like a nice guy who just doesn't understand you. To tell you the truth, most men are that way. Communications are not our thing, but we can try if we have the right push. 

Your problem is definitely fixable. The problem is more of a how. I think you need to jolt him with "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." This usually works with most of us here. Have him work to save your marriage. Maybe you were trying too hard. 

You need to start a 180.


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## JuliaP

> All I can say, again, from experience, is that the damage you will do to yourself, your family, and your husband, from ending your marriage like this (cheating), is unthinkable.


wow, I needed to hear this, thank you. You are totally right. I read the thread and am in stage 1&2.

I am in a very small town- an affair is not really possible without discovery. However, I know that if I were still in a large city where there were more opportunity, I would've had one already. I haven't had one b/c of no opportunity, not because of strong values, which apparently I have none of at the time!

I am desperate to fill the emptiness and so ashamed that I have evolved to a point of thinking an affair was a solution. I was so anti-cheating growing up.

I will grow some balls and tell him how I feel.


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## Lon

I am getting angry reading this thread because I see the potential for a perfectly good marriage being denied by a W who has already decided in her mind its over.

OP you claim that you understand him he just doesn't understand you - that's phooey, understanding in a marriage has to be a mutual thing.

I see you blaming him for all your unhappiness, but NOBODY is responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of another, it is all you.

You need to define your clear needs for you to be married - and specific, not just "be happy with my partner" You need words of affirmation from him, you need some undivided attention once in awhile... what else exactly do you need him to do in order to meet your relationship needs?

As to his needs, it seems he has actually been effective at communicating those to you, since you say he seems happy and has those met, but are they really?

MrK is largely right that your H has had no chance to attempt to meet your specific needs because they have not been properly communicated - and I don't mean sitting down and talking, I mean like Catherine suggests by enforcing your boundaries... talk is such a tiny part of communication.

Meanwhile I can detect in your words that you are checking out already, using "not in love" as your justification and that you have pretty much decided you don't want to be married - that is also all on you and basically the main reason you no longer feel "in love" because you've decided to not be. So I almost feel that anything I write is just a waste of time anyways, because you've already deliberately put yourself on the path to divorce. I', sorry for the loss of your marriage - if you WANT to have a happy marriage with your H its never too late but you have to want to work on it and you have to assume responsibility for your own happiness instead of blaming him.


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## deejov

COGuy got it right.

Except I will add something ---- your happiness is not your husband's responsibility. Also spend some time working on yourself.

Read His Needs Her Needs. The Five Love Languages. Together.
What is his responsibility is meeting your emotional needs in a way that makes you feel loved, close, intimate, and does not allow you to detach.

Just because he doesn't respond, does not mean he does not care.
The "don't change me" is a red flag that he isn't hearing what you are saying, it's a guy versus girl thing. 

I'm betting he has NO clue that not doing these things is causing you to emotionally withdraw. He just sees it as you nagging him to be different. Try reading the books. Sometimes it is all about you WORD something, not really what you say. 

Sometimes they just don't know.


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## CallaLily

I'm not going to tell you to check out just yet. But I will tell you to give it all you feel you can. Try all that you know to try, and after you feel you have given it your all, and nothing has changed within him, then yes you need to possibly go in another direction.


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## COguy

JuliaP said:


> wow, I needed to hear this, thank you. You are totally right. I read the thread and am in stage 1&2.
> 
> I am in a very small town- an affair is not really possible without discovery. However, I know that if I were still in a large city where there were more opportunity, I would've had one already. I haven't had one b/c of no opportunity, not because of strong values, which apparently I have none of at the time!
> 
> I am desperate to fill the emptiness and so ashamed that I have evolved to a point of thinking an affair was a solution. I was so anti-cheating growing up.
> 
> I will grow some balls and tell him how I feel.


Thank you! Not everyone has the strength to admit their faults. It shows that you have great character that you can see your mistakes.

For someone like you, who is a person of integrity, the decisions you make in this time will alter your entire life. I am not telling you that your marriage will or won't work out, but ending it as a coward will always leave you wondering "what if".

You owe it to yourself and your family to give this a fair shot. To speak honestly and openly in a way where your husband has a chance to turn it around. As Dr. Phil says, "You need to earn your way out!" If you do that, then you can hold your head up high if you decide you need to leave, and not feel guilty about the choices you made.

I can tell you your problem is insanely normal and typical. This board is full of marriages that have gone through the same thing. In fact, I don't know too many great marriages that didn't go through this period of uncertainty. I promise that if you make your husband aware of how you feel, if you are brutally honest, your marriage will either turn around and become something you couldn't have imagined, or you will have a clear, peaceful decision about leaving.

Please, until you talk to your husband, make sure you create a system of accountability. Tell a friend that you trust, your parents. Do not let yourself be put in a position where you could be unfaithful. Do not go drinking at the bars, do not go out to lunch alone with a coworker, don't be one on one with someone you are attracted to. You need to create strong boundaries for yourself while you work on things with your husband.


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## COguy

I just wanted to share that my wife went through the same thing as you as well. So I know what it was like for her, and for me.

I, like your husband, had NO idea she felt like she did. I had tuned out my wife to the point where I just thought it was part of her personality. When I realized that she had been hurting all those years, it was already too late, she had cheated.

We reconciled, and our marriage has been way stronger since (though not without difficulties), but the pain from what she did was horrendous. And I know she struggles with what she caused as well. I think just like I wasn't aware of how unhappy she was, she wasn't thinking about what kind of pain she was dealing to me by cheating.

Your husband loves you, or he would not have married you. He does not want to see you in pain. He WANTS to be connected to you. Give him a chance to be your knight in shining armor.


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## MrK

Once I realized my wife didn't love me, it hit me like a ton of bricks. People can't change? I changed OVERNIGHT! Problem was, it's too late for me. She's not coming back. I tried. Weeks went by and I was perfect. ONE little slip,or worse: one misunderstood statement, and that a-hole she hated all those years was back. Back to square one. I'm not even trying any more. And you know what? She doesn't care. Or to be clearer, she is happy that I leaver her alone now.

Pack a bag. Have a cab waiting out front. Hand him a letter and a copy of this thread. That WILL BE his ton of bricks. You've got to see what happens then. If he doesn't come back, you're off the hook. If he wants to try, you'll know.

I fear you are where my wife is. You want a clean break. That's OK too. But leave him. Don't make his life miserable until he dies. 

All I can ever think about are all of those pre-marriage classes where we gave each other group hugs and said we need to be each others "best friends". **** that! Tell kids what marriage is REALLY like. Scare them away from it before it's too late.


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## JuliaP

LON-wow, so much anger! jesus! WTF do you want, I am trying to be honest! Yeah, I don't feel love or attraction. I'm f*cking sorry! If I already decided it was over, I wouldn't have posted here in a marriage forum. I am saying I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I am crying out that I have tried everything. I am f*cking sorry and sad that I don't feel connected/love/sexual, but I don't! 

I took the advice of therapists and found my own life, but it only made me want him less. 

He has told me his needs are met- and they are simple, sex, time alone, a car and a dog. He is happy. I understand this. WE have spoken about it. 


He knows very clearly what I want, because when the topic comes up, he brings it up very clearly " you want me to say I love you more, ( right now it's maybe 3 times a year via text), you want me to talk more, and pay attention more". Trust me, HE KNOWS. The therapist we went to even pointed out that he knows. He told me point blank " I will not change, this is how I am"

So I decided to just learn to live with his way of showing love, his style, his coldness, focus on all the wonderful positives...but guess what, along the way, I stopped being in love!! Do you think this is what I want? I want to be divorced, broke, with two kids? Don;t you think I want to love this person? Of course I want the connection back, but I don't know how. My mind goes elsewhere now.

I am happy with all the other aspects of my life.


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## JuliaP

Okay, I only saw page 3 with the last guy who was angry. I didn't see the other non angry posts that followed. Sorry I got angry there myself.


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## JuliaP

"Read His Needs Her Needs. The Five Love Languages. " I have read them both. I read "his needs her needs" out loud to him, and it didn't really resonate. I did with me. I never let us go a week without sex and always try to look hot, keep the house clean ( despite also working full time myself). I did take it to heart.


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## COguy

JuliaP said:


> "Read His Needs Her Needs. The Five Love Languages. " I have read them both. I read "his needs her needs" out loud to him, and it didn't really resonate. I did with me. I never let us go a week without sex and always try to look hot, keep the house clean ( despite also working full time myself). I did take it to heart.


He doesn't think you're serious. I can't explain why guys don't understand this. We think our wife's complaints or nagging is a personality disorder, we don't take it to heart.

Show him this thread. If you're really going to leave or get out then it won't hurt anything. I am certain it will shock him right into change. Often times, in situations like yours, putting divorce papers on the table will evoke a change. Do something like that BEFORE you are ready to call it quits. That way when he does make a change and "gets it", your heart isn't calloused.

Just trudging along and pretending to be a Stepford Wife is not doing you or him any favors. If anything, it makes it worse. He's getting his needs met, you aren't, and yet he thinks everything is fine.

I have an uncle who was married almost 30 years. Wife was miserable for 29 of them. He was an a$$hole, said he would never change. She trudged along year after year miserable, and he never changed. Soon as she gave him the papers and said "I'm leaving", he did a 180 and become Mr. Perfect. If she would have done it 28 years ago, they would have had a happy marriage the whole time.


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## turnera

It sounds to me like you have no boundaries. Have you read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend yet?


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## deejov

JuliaP said:


> wow, so much anger! jesus! WTF do you want, I am trying to be honest! Yeah, I don't feel love or attraction. I'm f*cking sorry! If I already decided it was over, I wouldn't have posted here in a marriage forum. I am saying I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I am crying out that I have tried everything. I am f*cking sorry and sad that I don't feel connected/love/sexual, but I don't!
> 
> I took the advice of therapists and found my own life, but it only made me want him less.
> 
> He has told me his needs are met- and they are simple, sex, time alone, a car and a dog. He is happy. I understand this. WE have spoken about it.
> 
> 
> He knows very clearly what I want, because when the topic comes up, he brings it up very clearly " you want me to say I love you more, ( right now it's maybe 3 times a year via text), you want me to talk more, and pay attention more". Trust me, HE KNOWS. The therapist we went to even pointed out that he knows. He told me point blank " I will not change, this is how I am"
> 
> So I decided to just learn to live with his way of showing love, his style, his coldness, focus on all the wonderful positives...but guess what, along the way, I stopped being in love!! Do you think this is what I want? I want to be divorced, broke, with two kids? Don;t you think I want to love this person? Of course I want the connection back, but I don't know how. My mind goes elsewhere now.
> 
> I am happy with all the other aspects of my life.


What he doesn't know is the consequences to not meeting your needs in your love language is that you are not emotionally connected to him.


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## Lon

So it comes down to him not willing to show his love to you in ways you appreciate. He knows this and still refuses, so you're faced with enforcing that boundary of having these basic needs met. My concern for your marriage is now the attraction is lost, even if he is shocked to life and steps up and shows you that love the way you are asking that you may not be accepting of it or think its enough - I think many people shut the door and lock it behind them when they get to where you are at, and they so often never realize that their spouse is still trying, they believe that if they have to tell them what they need it is somehow less meaningful when they finally get it.

Please don't give up hope yet - by saying it's how he is and he will not change, it either means he expects you to be the one to conform, or it means he just has a lot of self doubt that he could change to meet your needs. The problem is it really wouldn't take a huge change on a H's part, just a matter of unlearning a few habits and replacing them with others, but habits take time to change.

But before anything he has to want to change those habits and right now he is in denial about how perilous his marriage is. You need to be clear that not being loved the way you need to be will cost him his W, his family and his children's home. If he is not willing to provide the privilege of being married to him you must stop the privileges of being married to you, and be loud and clear about why you are holding back.

Be firm, be confident and be open, if you see any positive change in him believe its genuine, but don't put your marriage on the line until you've exhausted all other enforcement methods (exclusion, withholding and withdrawing) from the sounds of it, you've been vocal about it but you haven't been active in forcing change, serving him with D may cause a shakeup but be careful what you ask for or you may end up getting it. Good luck, I understand your frustration, my W had very similar frustrations and believe me when I say it was a two way street even though she thought I was content - I would bet your H is also uncontent but acting as if everything is great for him hoping to weather the storm.


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## COguy

Lon said:


> Good luck, I understand your frustration, my W had very similar frustrations and believe me when I say it was a two way street even though she thought I was content - I would bet your H is also uncontent but acting as if everything is great for him hoping to weather the storm.


I think guys are more able to compartmentalize. Also, we place more emphasis on activities vs relationships. So if they're having regular sex, he probably isn't thinking about what their marriage is lacking emotionally.

I know that was true for me (not that I was getting regular sex), but I mean I never really stopped and said, "Wow, me and my wife could be a lot closer emotionally." I just kind trudged along and assumed that because we got along OK that we were fine.

It wasn't until our relationship really elevated and we become so much more stronger emotionally that I realized what we had been missing our whole marriage. Now that I've experienced it, it would make me really sad to lose that. I think it's easy for guys to fall in the trap of every day life and not notice that they are not connecting in a real way with their spouse.


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## moxy

JuliaP said:


> And the other poster was right, I have been a f*cking doormat to his needs always our whole marriage and he never takes me seriously. The thing is, I'm not sure he is capable of getting it. Our communication is so bad- I understand him- but he never understands me.


If you don't communicate what you need in a way that he can understand, then how can you expect him to understand you? He can't read your mind and he doesn't know what he isn't getting. Since you're the one who has conditioned things to go this way, by being a doormat and by repressing your own needs in life, it is up to YOU to take an active role in pursuing things for yourself and expressing what it is you need to your husband. It isn't magic and love won't make communication any easier. You say that money is what's holding your marriage together and not friendship, so you have to stop treating each other like objects and start learning how to be friends with each other....then, your communication will improve. 

It's on YOU to make an effort to show him what is missing. Of course, if you're not sure what that is, then you need to find out. Romance? Adventure? Intimacy? Trust? Desire? Do you have other things in your life that fulfill you and make you happy? You know you can't just expect marriage and family to fulfill you, though some of the feeling of emptiness and disconnection that seems to come through in your posts would be alleviated by those things. Also, you'd be able to reach out for companionship rather than just to feel alive. Love makes us feel alive, but if we don't chase the other things that makes us feel alive, even love will grow stale.

If you've done those things and he simply doesn't care, then you'll know you've given it your best effort. At this point though, I hear from your perspective about all the things he isn't doing for you or giving you and am not hearing much that demonstrates your agency and active, assertive reach for what you want and need.


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## MrK

COguy said:


> He doesn't think you're serious. I can't explain why guys don't understand this. We think our wife's complaints or nagging is a personality disorder, we don't take it to heart.


That's the "hit him with a ton of bricks" I told you to do. My wife nagged about my issues. But you know what? It was over and we forgot about them and got on with our lives. Her issues were little, in the scheme of things. Well, I had to find out on my own 10+ years later that they weren't. They had infested my marriage to the point of no return. I hate that I ruined my wife's life. I hate it even more that she allowed it to happen. I was an *******. I hurt the people I love. And I HATE my wife for letting it happen.


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## JuliaP

I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.


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## MrK

So it's still his fault.

Just leave him. You have my permission. Do him a favor.


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## JuliaP

"That's the "hit him with a ton of bricks" I told you to do. My wife nagged about my issues. But you know what? It was over and we forgot about them and got on with our lives. Her issues were little, in the scheme of things. Well, I had to find out on my own 10+ years later that they weren't. They had infested my marriage to the point of no return. I hate that I ruined my wife's life. I hate it even more that she allowed it to happen. I was an *******. I hurt the people I love. And I HATE my wife for letting it happen."

wow. I don't want this to happen to me. I am going to stop it.


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## COguy

JuliaP said:


> I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.


True love is a sacrifice to yourself, but not at the expense of yourself.

Just read this last week, it helped me a lot. Keep reading through it until you get to the policy of joint agreement. A practical way to ensure that you are not giving to the point of being resentful, or taking to the point of being a detriment to your spouse.

The Giver & Taker


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## trey69

Hit him with a ton of bricks if you have too. If that doesn't do it, then you need to move on.


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## turnera

In nearly every case of walkaway wife I've known, the wife tries in unsuccessful ways (trying to stay nice) that she's unhappy; the husband doesn't take her seriously; then he Love Busts her for so long, in so many ways, that she simply can't love him any more - he IS pain to her. So she leaves. And THEN he listens.

He isn't going to hear you until he has consequences. As long as you're feeding him, giving him SF, and keeping a home for him, he'll never notice. When you make moves to remove that comfort zone from him, he will notice.

Tell him the truth.


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## DisasterEve

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy

JuliaP said:


> I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.


Being a martyr helps no one. Yes, you should put his needs first, but not always and not always at the expense of yours. He should do the same. However, if you're putting his needs first all the time and just expecting him to do the same, and if his needs are simpler then yours, then maybe he doesn't understand that he ISN'T giving you what you need. You're thinking that by doing the right thing, it will make him do the right thing in turn. But, he clearly doesn't know what she should be doing or else he'd probably be doing it (or else he doesn't care, but you don't give any indication that he doesn't care, just that you're emotionally unfilfilled). It isn't his job to make you happy. It's his job to be a good partner. It isn't your job to sacrifice yourself in order to make him happy, just to be a good partner. A good partner will make sure his/her needs are handled. You're expecting him to know how to reciprocate, but he doesn't seem to know...teach him. And, if you don't know what you need, just that you need to feel happier and more emotionally connected, then try going to a counselor to see if maybe you can learn some techniques to help you express those things (a good therapist can be a life-saver!).

The issue here isn't love or attraction, but communication. Don't just treat the symptom without finding its source.


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## moxy

COguy said:


> True love is a sacrifice to yourself, but not at the expense of yourself.
> 
> Just read this last week, it helped me a lot. Keep reading through it until you get to the policy of joint agreement. A practical way to ensure that you are not giving to the point of being resentful, or taking to the point of being a detriment to your spouse.
> 
> The Giver & Taker


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Good advice.

OP, we're all on your side. We want you and your h to be happy together, so don't be defensive. Be open and hear what people are telling you they're seeing from the outside. Work through your frustration.

You just said you didn't want what MrK described to happen to you, so you haven't given up. Acknowledge your frustration, but work through it! Hang in there!


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## trey69

Your title thread is,"not in love or sexually attracted to my husband anymore."

I guess my main question is, do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?


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## deejov

JuliaP said:


> I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.


Please try not to fall into that black hole....

There is nothing wrong with NOT compromising your ethics, and treating others the way YOU want to be treated. Good for you for doing so. At the other end of all this... all you are left with is how YOU acted, treated others, and that's what matters. Your dignity is intact. So it should be.

I felt similar when I came here, and heard similar advice. 
There is a point to it, and it's not a punishment.

It's the ton of bricks they are talking about. The wake up call. 

Similar to having a conversation that literally says... if you don't get your needs met, you don't have a relationship, and you will be leaving. 

It just hasn't been said (yet).

This isn't a ploy, a game, or a tactic. It's how you keep your dignity and avoid walking around with resentment. You put it on the table, and be prepared to separate. 

Not to be selfish and say that you deserve "better"... but because the resentment eats you up from the inside out.


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## Lon

I too am on board with the ton of bricks wake up call, but make sure to stick around and go through the rubble - a lot of times when it gets to this point before dropping the bricks the wayward one is already gone and never look back.


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## JuliaP

I wish we could've spoken sooner- but it so hard for us to speak openly. He is very very passive aggressive, and almost never takes anything I say head on. He flips it around- i always become the bad one. I leave every discussion feeling tricked and unheard. I always apologize- He does only when I force the words out of his mouth. Because of this, don't speak up as often as I should- which I know is wrong. I can be such a *****, but when it comes to topics like this, I will come off shaky and unsure. I need to really rehearse what I mean to say before I say it.

I know now I must tell him what I feel- But I'm scared the feelings of love/sex won't come back. 

"do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?"- NOt ready yet, and yes I do want to be. I did throw in the emotional towel so to speak- but I am going to pick it up again and keep trying. I will hit him with the ton of bricks to see if that works.


----------



## growtogether

JuliaP said:


> "do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?"- NOt ready yet, and yes I do want to be. I did throw in the emotional towel so to speak- but I am going to pick it up again and keep trying. I will hit him with the ton of bricks to see if that works.


What are you going to do differently? I sent you a Private message.


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## COguy

JuliaP said:


> I wish we could've spoken sooner- but it so hard for us to speak openly. He is very very passive aggressive, and almost never takes anything I say head on. He flips it around- i always become the bad one. I leave every discussion feeling tricked and unheard. I always apologize- He does only when I force the words out of his mouth. Because of this, don't speak up as often as I should- which I know is wrong. I can be such a *****, but when it comes to topics like this, I will come off shaky and unsure. I need to really rehearse what I mean to say before I say it.
> 
> I know now I must tell him what I feel- But I'm scared the feelings of love/sex won't come back.
> 
> "do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?"- NOt ready yet, and yes I do want to be. I did throw in the emotional towel so to speak- but I am going to pick it up again and keep trying. I will hit him with the ton of bricks to see if that works.


If your conversations are difficult, write him a letter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The LEAST you can do is just show him the post that you've already written.

The best way to facilitate conversation on this, and not defensiveness, is to pick a time where you are not fighting. Do something nice for him (favorite dinner, back rub, whatever), then tell him you wrote something down that's very important to you and that you want him to read it. You're not angry at him, just want him to read it because it's very important.

And then give him the letter and walk away.


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## JuliaP

H is going to walk through the door soon- so I am done posting for now. Seriously, thank you so much to all who took the time to answer me. I have acquired much needed advice and perspective.

So far:

1. I will commit not to stray no matter how desperate I feel
2. I will find a time/place where I can be honest and tell him in a clear blunt manner, ( the ton of bricks) exactly how I feel
3. I will look at myself to see how being too pleasing and complacent put me in this position in the first place
4. I understand that he doesn't get it. I thought he did, but from the posters here I see that perhaps, he really doesn't get it ( just sees me complaining)
5. I will read the love languages book again - it was a while back, and I think I need a reminder.


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## growtogether

Waaooow, I love seeing you take action steps!! You are unstock and it's great seeing you going forward and making decision!
Let us know how it goes!


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## Deejo

JuliaP said:


> I know now I must tell him what I feel- But I'm scared the feelings of love/sex won't come back.


Unless and until you can find a way out of the dynamic that you feel you ARE trying to fight for the marriage, and he ISN'T trying to fight for the marriage, you will simply be spinning your wheels no matter what course you pursue.

Do you want to be married to him?

Does he want to be married to you?

Start there. Presuming both of you answer yes, then it begs the question if the desire to remain married means anything in the face of completely ignoring, or worse, consciously avoiding working to make things better by the both of you.

Ask him the simple question. If his answer is 'No.' then there you have it. You can pursue exactly the mind-set that you have expressed here.

You have mentioned several times in passing that you find yourself attracted to others. My experience is, that as long as someone else is consuming the emotional energy you will need to recover your marriage ... then recovering your marriage doesn't stand a chance. Just FYI.


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## COguy

JuliaP said:


> H is going to walk through the door soon- so I am done posting for now. Seriously, thank you so much to all who took the time to answer me. I have acquired much needed advice and perspective.
> 
> So far:
> 
> 1. I will commit not to stray no matter how desperate I feel
> 2. I will find a time/place where I can be honest and tell him in a clear blunt manner, ( the ton of bricks) exactly how I feel
> 3. I will look at myself to see how being too pleasing and complacent put me in this position in the first place
> 4. I understand that he doesn't get it. I thought he did, but from the posters here I see that perhaps, he really doesn't get it ( just sees me complaining)
> 5. I will read the love languages book again - it was a while back, and I think I need a reminder.


A great start and I'm glad that you are taking the right first steps!

Let us know how it goes. Hoping it's the first day in a new marriage for you! (even though it may not always be easy).


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## MrK

JuliaP said:


> 2. I will find a time/place where I can be honest and tell him in a clear blunt manner, ( the ton of bricks) exactly how I feel


This "talk" will not even be a slap, let alone a ton of bricks. Unless she has a bag packed at her feet and a girlfriend to back her up and take her away.

Just more talk. It's going to go badly.


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## COguy

MrK said:


> This "talk" will not even be a slap, let alone a ton of bricks. Unless she has a bag packed at her feet and a girlfriend to back her up and take her away.
> 
> Just more talk. It's going to go badly.


I wouldn't go that far. Telling your spouse, "I feel no spark for you, I want a divorce. I have been interested in other men. I would have cheated on you if I lived in a bigger city" should be a pretty good wake up call.

Depends on how and what you say. I think it would be a shame in her case if she didn't share what she wrote on TAM.

I don't think it's necessary that you escalate immediately. The guy could be a decent husband just needing a little prodding. You meet force with force. There's no reason to go nuclear yet if the guy doesn't even know there's a problem. If he doesn't respond well to an honest, blunt conversation, then she can escalate.

I'm a big proponent of giving people time lines. "You have one day to decide if you want to commit." "You have one week to x, y, and z". If XYZ doesn't happen, have the papers ready.


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## Catherine602

JuliaP said:


> I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.


It actually does not work this way. A healthy adult relationship is an exchange of satisfaction. If the exchange is unequal the slighted person leaves to find a more satisfying relationship. 

A person with low self esteem and will stay and accept crumbs. It is not good to give more than you get. 

Many people think it is a sign of character to give. It is. But you have to be selective about who you give with no reciprocation. 

Those in need with nothing to give back and kids, the sick and elderly are some. 

But in a relationship with a person who can give as much as they receive, it should not be done. All healthy adult need affirmation and love and acceptance. 

You can't give to those in need if you don't receive. You have a responsibility to get as much as you give. Both to yourself and your partner. 

Your husband is a selfish man who could easily lose a good wife and two lovely kids. Help him to be a better person.

Either he gives more or he will be free to try and find a good women who will give him something for nothing. He is destined to be a very lonely man. 

Start today to pull back and then when you get his attention tell him what you wrote here. From now on give him what he gives you. Decide if you want to stay in and empty marriage.


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## SoWhat

JuliaP said:


> Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)
> 
> *I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:
> 
> -Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives
> 
> -


so you're pretending to love a man you don't love for financial gain? 

He could engage in that same transaction for cheaper from a, uhm, profesional.


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## KathyBatesel

endlessgrief said:


> After trying everything for years hasn't worked, you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt. I am in the same situation. We must block our feelings or else we will be overwhelmed and cry for days.
> 
> Waiting it out doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work if one of the partner is not really into it. A marriage doesn't work if one person is doing 90 percent of the work.


I think you've hit on some important points here... 

Yes, waiting doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work in many cases, because it *is* one person trying to force change. What I think *can* work is when that one person changes themselves. Instead of seeing counseling as a path to make their marriage better (if the other's not doing their part), then they need to accept that their partner's not committed to the marriage, and de-commit themselves from it. Counseling at that point should shift to taking care of themselves and finding happiness in their lives again. When *that* happens, sometimes it can reignite the attraction that was there before, but if it doesn't, that person can be happy anyway and make plans for their future that will let them be at peace.

On a side note to MrK: When you're going through something like this, it *does* feel new and unique to the person going through it. If you can't understand and respect that, then why would you be here yourself?


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## JuliaP

> so you're pretending to love a man you don't love for financial gain?


Um, no, he was flat broke when we met and fell in love. What I mean is that we have a large amount of debts, cars, and a house together. In a few years of paying everything we _might_ be at zero with all of our debts. I am not staying for financial gain- I am saying, a big part of my fears of stirring the pot, is that if I did end up getting to the point of leaving, it would financially bankrupt us.


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## JuliaP

MrK said:


> This "talk" will not even be a slap, let alone a ton of bricks. Unless she has a bag packed at her feet and a girlfriend to back her up and take her away.
> 
> Just more talk. It's going to go badly.


It's worth a shot! I mean, I did passionately love this person at one point. I don't hate him. He is the father of my kids, and he did grow up in a house with cold parents- divorced, dad left to make a new family. He knows that this affects him today and admits that his coldness and lack of emotional availability comes from this.

I"m not going to just give up because I am going through a period of lack of love and sex- I think he will wake up when I tell him this.


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## MrK

Here's what my "ton of bricks" moment did for me. In the matter of time it takes two short sentences together, 10 seconds?, I found out:

1 - My wife doesn't love me and the marriage I thought I had was a lie for the past 10 year (give or take).

2 - That I am an a.s.s.h.o.l.e. I thought I was a good guy.

3 - When it happened, I was trying to bring spark back into a love life that I THOUGHT was just in a rut. When the bricks hit, I realized that reconciliation was NOT going to happen and that it was MY FAULT.

4 - I had ruined the life of the one person in my life that I loved more than anybody else. 

THAT, is a ton of bricks. It hit me hard and fast. Somehow I don't think "I've been unhappy for a while and here's why" is going to do it. Hence the bag at your feet. Hence leaving the house. Hence at least having the name of an attorney you've talked to. He needs to think he's already lost you. He needs to get hit HARD, or it's not going to work. My wife didn't plan it. I forced it out of her. It worked, but it was too late.

If in the end you have to leave, then leave. If you are going to stay, stay with the intent of working on your marriage. My wife lives in this bizarre world where she pretends nothing is wrong. She won't touch me or talk to me in any meaningful way. And she'll go down on me at my at my command. You know, like a good hooker will. But she is happiest when I back off when i do. 

We can live in other ends of the house. We can interact just enough that the kids think we're still married. But the hard part is her coming to bed after me (because 3 hours a night of crap TV is more important to her than our marriage). Then the facade is off and we're two strangers. It KILLS me a little bit every night when she lays down next to me and turns her back with barely a "good night". Two feet away yet on another planet. It's hard for me to go to sleep. Don't do that to your husband. I don't care how much of a d.i.c.k he is. No man deserves that tortuous reminder of his failed marriage and remaining life of miserable lonliness ever night.

Every night.

Either fix it or leave. There is no in-between.


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## Tall Average Guy

MrK said:


> Here's what my "ton of bricks" moment did for me. In the matter of time it takes two short sentences together, 10 seconds?, I found out:
> 
> 1 - My wife doesn't love me and the marriage I thought I had was a lie for the past 10 year (give or take).
> 
> 2 - That I am an a.s.s.h.o.l.e. I thought I was a good guy.
> 
> 3 - When it happened, I was trying to bring spark back into a love life that I THOUGHT was just in a rut. When the bricks hit, I realized that reconciliation was NOT going to happen and that it was MY FAULT.
> 
> 4 - I had ruined the life of the one person in my life that I loved more than anybody else.
> 
> THAT, is a ton of bricks. It hit me hard and fast. Somehow I don't think "I've been unhappy for a while and here's why" is going to do it. Hence the bag at your feet. Hence leaving the house. Hence at least having the name of an attorney you've talked to. He needs to think he's already lost you. He needs to get hit HARD, or it's not going to work. My wife didn't plan it. I forced it out of her. It worked, but it was too late.
> 
> If in the end you have to leave, then leave. If you are going to stay, stay with the intent of working on your marriage. My wife lives in this bizarre world where she pretends nothing is wrong. She won't touch me or talk to me in any meaningful way. And she'll go down on me at my at my command. You know, like a good hooker will. But she is happiest when I back off when i do.
> 
> We can live in other ends of the house. We can interact just enough that the kids think we're still married. But the hard part is her coming to bed after me (because 3 hours a night of crap TV is more important to her than our marriage). Then the facade is off and we're two strangers. It KILLS me a little bit every night when she lays down next to me and turns her back with barely a "good night". Two feet away yet on another planet. It's hard for me to go to sleep. Don't do that to your husband. I don't care how much of a d.i.c.k he is. No man deserves that tortuous reminder of his failed marriage and remaining life of miserable lonliness ever night.
> 
> Every night.
> 
> Either fix it or leave. There is no in-between.


Julie - So I am going to insult MrK a bit to make a point to you. This is where you will be if you don't address this. A bitter, angry broken man and a resentful unhappy wife barely co-existing, but neither brave enough to end it and try and find happiness. Make no mistake, the kids see what is going on. They are learning that a marriage is supposed to involve as little contact or interaction between husband and wife as possible. They will repeat that cycle, passing it on to their children. All because neither MrK nor his wife are brave enough to end it. Please don't go down this road.

You have two things you need to do:

First, really figure out if you want to fix this. It won't be easy, but it is not fair to either of you to have you go through the motions and him jumping through hoop after hoop if there really is no hope. Then, you need to tell him your decision and what are the next steps that you need. I think your five point plan from above looks good. I wish you luck.


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## Jayb

JuliaP said:


> wow....
> 
> Well, first off, I am well aware that marriage , real marriage is full of disillusions. I know about the farting, and hair growth, and all that gross stuff. I know that my perceptions of love have been skewed by Disney movies and chick flicks, but I am a realist. I know that stuff happens. If I felt love, I would look at it in an endearing way.
> 
> *However, I see other couples, real couples who have a connection that I do not have*. That is what I want. To feel close and united with someone. I long for a partnership cemented by friendship, not by $, which is what I have now. I can't leave we are too tied in $$.
> 
> And the reasons I have stuck in so long are that yes, he is a great provider, and he is always there physically, there is no cheating or beating.
> 
> And the other poster was right, I have been a f*cking doormat to his needs always our whole marriage and he never takes me seriously. The thing is, I'm not sure he is capable of getting it. Our communication is so bad- I understand him- but he never understands me.


Careful comparing your situation to others'. All relationships have issues and some couples are better at masking them than others.


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## turnera

When I first found forums (I was sent to someone who got tired of listening to me gripe about my husband), I was SURE my husband was abusive. I was afraid of him; I never spoke up; I gave up everything I wanted, just to please him. I asked them for help in fixing HIM.

They gave me a plan (His Needs Her Needs and the Love Buster/Emotional Needs questionnaires) and I followed it. I knew it was a waste of time because I literally hated the man I married, after 20+ years of this. But I did it anyway. 

Do you know that the instant, the very day, that I started meeting his ENs and stopped my LBing, he changed? He was SO desperate for any affection from me that the instant I showed any, he jumped on it and start showing affection back.

I know that's not your situation. You have a husband taking you for granted, and you need a different solution. 

But the point I wanted to make is this: As soon as I started changing what I did, I started seeing a different man in front of me. For years, I'd vilified him to the point that all I saw when I looked at him was my problem. But when he started reacting to MY good behavior, all those layers of resentment I'd built up started peeling away, and I was once again able to see the man I'd loved years ago. He was there all along, just hurting as much as me from our dysfunctional dance.

MY actions changed how I FELT about him. You CAN recover your feelings for him, if you do the right things (boundaries) and get him to wake up. And, if you do this - show him that you will leave him if he won't change - and he DOESN'T change, then you'll know that he never really loved you anyway, and you'll be better off away from him and not wasting your time in a fake marriage.

What about the book Boundaries in Marriage?


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## Mavash.

I think the key to this whole problem is that you have continued to meet his needs even though he isn't meeting yours. Change that and you've got a good shot at getting his attention. Right now his life is working for him so why would he change?


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## Jayb

This has been the hardest thread I have read here. I think I may print it out and give to my wife, just so that she knows I have learned and know all about the WAW, or her choosing not to love me and choosing to leave. I think right now she thinks I don't know how or why our marriage ended. But I know too well.

The bricks hit me hard on D-day. And, it was too late. My wife had already made the decision.

I took her words serious. If she had even approached me and said how unhappy she was it would have hit me. I didn't need her bags to be packed.


I wish I was given 1 last chance. Just 1. For me and our children. However, like metioned, I think all of my changes would still not be accepted. The door has been closed.

It hurts.


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## turnera

Mavash. said:


> I think the key to this whole problem is that you have continued to meet his needs even though he isn't meeting yours. Change that and you've got a good shot at getting his attention. Right now his life is working for him so why would he change?


 This is exactly what I've been trying to say!

He has no REASON to give you anything because you continue to meet all his needs.


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## MrK

Tall Average Guy said:


> Julie - So I am going to insult MrK a bit to make a point to you.


No insult taken. The REASON I posted all of that was to help them NOT become Mr. and Mrs. K. 

You know, I was going to say I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. But being born in the USA was hitting the world residency lottery. 75% of the worlds masses would change places with me in an instant. Another 10% or so would think about it. I've never been hungry from lack of food. I have a warm bed to sleep in every night. Kids that love me. Good friends. And I can buy beer on Sunday. So, my marriage is s.h.i.t. Can't have everything. And who knows. Maybe I will work up the balls to leave her one day. 

Just sayin'.


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## apoc

To the OP

If you've been married for 9 years, had 2 kids together, and still look hot, I say don't feel a whole lot of bad about things ending, especially if he's so emotionally disconnected. I believe it's every man's job in a relationship to let their partner know that they're valid in a way, that they're special and loved and wanted and there there isn't someone or something in the way. I'd be distracted sometimes by work or something else but I'd go and tell her about it so it wouldn't be in the way. It wasn't really until communicating became "omg it's all about you" but I'd ask how she's feeling or what's wrong and give space as she needed but she'd just brush me off, and then text her ex, and things got ridiculous... And I'm now a year some single.


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## lastinline

I am just going to throw this out there because a lot of what I read in your post sounded an awful lot like my life. Except for the fact I do not obviously know you, I felt like I could have been reading a letter from my STBXW.

Anyway, the point of my rant is that I would like to have you consider carefully the fact that he may be just as dissatisfied with the marriage as you are. 

In my case, I was inattentive because I was no longer emotionally attached. I wasn't the cheating type, so I took up additional hobbies, started another clinic, and otherwise preoccupied myself.

Where I am going with this is simply sit down with your husband and directly, kindly, and honestly tell him how you feel. Then please sit back and listen attentively as he tells you how he feels. My guess is that you have one more thing in common with your husband than you may think.

just one man's thoughts

LIL


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## JuliaP

I have to say you all have given me hope with your stories and advice, and I am floored so many people have taken the time to help a stranger. I deeply appreciate it- and I can say this has changed my life

- I now see that not speaking up will rob my H of the chance to fix it. 

-" be just as dissatisfied with the marriage as you are. " Yes, this is terrifying

I will post my update when I have it..thank you so much all of you. Seriously. Thank you.


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## growtogether

wishing you the best!


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## mrmagoo

LexusNexus said:


> Tigger well said:
> 
> What I am trying to say he never played with me, or my father, or my uncle, or my cousin's. Never bought my grandmother flowers, but he took care of all us, and other people, but everybody loved him for his effort keeping everybody happy.


This doesn't cut it in the age of facebook sadly. Women get bored, they feel entitled for this and that reason, they destroy the family and blame the whole thing on the poor sap that did "too little too late." Like things have reversed since 70's when, unless I am clueless, this kind of activity was more men being WAH's? it's crazy but it just is what it is. I need to get over it and find someone who will receive my love emotionally, not strictly physically. Seems once most women feel victimized enough, there is very little that can "bring them back." Oh sure, jewlelry, trips etc... But it is all very fleeting and the man should have likely faced what she said however many months ago, then, he would always wonder... I spose thats why we go through all these machinations after d-day......................


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## Chelle D

JuliaP said:


> , I find that I do not feel love for him. And I am not sexually attracted to him. We have great sex 1-2 times a week - I enjoy it, but I pretend that it's someone else. I know he still gets very aroused by me.


Ha. Wait for about another 15 years. You'll be lucky if you get great sex 1 or 2 times a month. & about pretending someone else. I think we all do fantasies sometimes. -- But usually, in the end, I just cant envision that it's anyone else in the end.



JuliaP said:


> ,Something emotional has been missing for years...and now my body has responded but loosing attraction to him. It's been one year of this. I find myself becoming incredibly attracted to other men, the way I used to with him.
> 
> I don't know what to do. Do I keep waiting this out? Nothing is working.
> 
> Please help.


Yes, you just stick it out. You're married. Stick to the commitment you made. You start doing special things for him again. you start leaving him little messages in his lunch, car, phone, emails, etc. You start actively showing that you are still attracted. Your mind will catch up to your forced body movements soon enough.


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## txcouple903

Hey Julia, I have only read a few pages and I understand what you are saying. My wife had a 5 year affair with someone I knew. Everything you said was exactly how my wife felt. I did everything I could to understand her feeling and needs, but she was never happy. For the longest I tried to get her to go to counseling and when we did she made everything my fault. She has said so many hurtful things I can't even remember all them. 

Just 9 months ago she left me for the other guy after trying to commit suicide 7 days before. I had told her I wanted divorce because she wanted a 3 way relationship, I had no choice in the matter since she was already involved with the guy. She walk out on me and my kids and even had the guy come over to pack her stuff. 

Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD. Anyway she came back after 5 months and she started therapy. The guy she was so in love with and she thought was her soulmate didn't love her they way she loved him.

She is still not happy at all even though I bend over backwards for her. I try my best to communicate with her and she just says I don't understand, it's always something different. Last night she told me that she was sexual unattractive to me and had not been for 5 years. She has also told me she didn't love me on many occasions and last night she said she loved me but would be Okay not ever having sex with me again. 

Having an affair is what caused her to get to where she is at now. Even though I have done every thing possible to make her happy. I feel like it's All about her and none of my feelings matter. We will be going to marriage counseling soon and she wants mw to get a therapist as well. I feel exactly how you feel inside but I still love her, I'm still sexually attracted to her and I want to try but I just don't know. 

She said last night she doesn't love the other guy but she still needed the passionate sex from him because she wasn't getting it from me even though we have great sex. So that's were we are at, in her view we are growing apart. My view is nothing I do will ever be enough. 

What's so bad is our kids are noticing her being unhappy. I told her she should leave she doesn't want too.


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## anchorwatch

mariajoseph said:


> I would recommend to take out time and visit Married Dating Site |ExtraMarital Affairs | Find New Passion You will not need to end your marriage and also get the answer


I would hope you're being facetious and not trying to add to the OP's problems. :scratchhead:


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## jandj

My advise is to move on. I experienced this same thing with my ex-wife. We were married 23 years, 2 kids. You have tried more things than I did to fix this problem. Mainly due to her not excepting that anything was wrong. I did talk to her about the things that were wrong many times but to no avail.

Be prepared that if you do decide to leave and move on and he does not wish to to the same you will hear " I didn't know it was this bad !!, you never told me !!!" You will have to be strong in your decision, and do not waiver from it if in your heart you know it is the best thing for you to do. You don't want to have to make someone love you. Also keep in mind that your children will pick up on this behavior. They may adapt it themselves. They will only learn what you and your husband have taught them.

My son adapted my behavior that I had towards my ex, I would give her the sun the moon and the stars to try to receive love from her. She wanted to run things so I let her, thinking that would show her I care and make things better. I had just decided that it was worthless to try to talk to her anymore and I just got distant. Well my son now does the same thing with the woman he dates. 

My daughter acts and lives her life like my ex. Fun is the most important thing to her. She will blow off responsibilities and chances to progress her career and also family and friends. I need to mention that she was married and it did not even last 1 year. Her husband wanted someone that wanted to make something of their lives together.

In short. If you have really tried the things you said you have tried and it has not made things better I don't see that you have a choice. Don't do what I did for over 10 years. In the end I just felt like I wasted 10 years of my life. I'm now re-married and have a wonderful wife. I could have had her years ago. My kids are finally seeing how a real married couple interact. My new wife and I go to counseling every couple of months to make sure we keep communicating in a good way and to help us understand each other when there is a conflict of some sort. You don't have to go to a counselling just because you have a problem. We go to make sure if at all possible that there wont be one.


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## kamal

My cousin married with her husband 4 years ago ,no kids, and her husband dont have interest,feelings in her since 1 month of marriage. even he has intention to have feelings for her... Both they tried their best to come out from this problem. even he wants to live with her whole life. but her husband is unable to take interest in her, no interest, no feelings comes from her husband side. 
Both are sincere with each other and want to spend whole life togather, 

all family is worried about them....dont know wats is this feelings problem?? how to come out from this problem....
main thing is that her husband is medically Fit.


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## yours4ever

JuliaP said:


> Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)
> 
> *I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:
> 
> -Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives
> 
> -He will react only with anger (not physical) and be so blinded by it he will miss the opportunity to accept my honesty and fix the problem
> 
> - He will feel like it is an unfixable problem. I think this is most likely. He has already said to me before that he will not change. I must accept him, he will not change.
> 
> -He will say he feels the same way. In some ways I would feel okay, but it would also be sad because there would be no love on either end.
> 
> -The thing I fear most is that it is unfixable and the love & good sex will not return. I will have to decide if I want to live in a life like this.
> 
> -I also fear I am being a spoiled b*tch. There is no cheating or beating. We have a beautiful house. I have all my physical needs met. Compared to women in other parts of the world, I am being spoiled. I feel stupid to be unhappy sometimes.



I once read somewhere, do the things you fear and the fear will disappear. Take it this way: there is always a chance of unexpected posibilities to happen. He might wake up or you migh see a new different light, if you just give him and yourself a chance of communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever

Besides love languages, his needs and her needs, also try men arr from mars and women from venus(for married couples).

You might also want to read the man brain.

Sometimes things cannot change not because we don't want to, but because we are biologically different. Men and women connect differently. Men can't. Read your mind, you have to ask for what you want in not an accusation way. You have to be specific and direct..etc etc. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## popit7

What if for some reason he just thinks that things between u both are fine and does not need any fine tuning? What if hes unaware about all of this? Let him know. He obviously still loves you too. Maybe hes just staying out of your way and just letting you do whatever to keep u happy and occupied. Maybe youre just overthinking things too much. Thats the problem these days. Men never get the chance to make things right. If we ask questions then we are automatically in trouble for harrasing you women and if we dont say anything then women automatically assume that we dont care. Did u think that maybe hes just tired because of how long his work hours are and just wants to relax? I have a really physical job that requires my strength and also my brain to be working right up until i knock off for the day. My wife struggles to understand that i need a break too. Women need to understand that most men dont always have things running in their heads when we get home from a long days work. Its our only time to relax and just de-stress. But how can we do that if you are always in our ears. And with the children part.... Theres no harm in asking him to help out. Just tell him that maybe evry other night he can tuck them in. Or he can make the family dimner on these nights. Men will gladly help. Just dont speak to them like they are dogs. We have the right to be respected as human beings as well


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## themagicalbeing2013

I have been in a similar situation for some time and I have tried to talk to my wife about it, but she does not get it... she always comes up with some other excuse or tries to fight and then the following morning is like nothing happens.. I dont really know what do to.. I am here because of my son.. I know it is going to be hard for him.


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## sinnister

popit7 said:


> What if for some reason he just thinks that things between u both are fine and does not need any fine tuning? What if hes unaware about all of this? Let him know. He obviously still loves you too. Maybe hes just staying out of your way and just letting you do whatever to keep u happy and occupied. Maybe youre just overthinking things too much. Thats the problem these days. Men never get the chance to make things right. If we ask questions then we are automatically in trouble for harrasing you women and if we dont say anything then women automatically assume that we dont care. Did u think that maybe hes just tired because of how long his work hours are and just wants to relax? I have a really physical job that requires my strength and also my brain to be working right up until i knock off for the day. My wife struggles to understand that i need a break too. Women need to understand that most men dont always have things running in their heads when we get home from a long days work. Its our only time to relax and just de-stress. But how can we do that if you are always in our ears. And with the children part.... Theres no harm in asking him to help out. Just tell him that maybe evry other night he can tuck them in. Or he can make the family dimner on these nights. Men will gladly help. Just dont speak to them like they are dogs. We have the right to be respected as human beings as well


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