# Married to a man who doesn't want to change



## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

I've been married to "A" for 3.5 years and we have an 18 month old son. Prior to settling down, we made the decision to move to his home town, knowing that my parents were planning on moving upon retirement. We wanted to be close to family and since his parents planned to stay in one place, we chose to settle near them. Because of this, my husband reassured me that we would be making frequent trips to see my parents and have them down to visit us. My parents have definitely struggled with this, as have I, but I know it was the right decision to make. Up until now.

Now that we have a son, the distance is much harder on my parents and I. We are not able to go up as often considering we have a young child and we both work, and both of my parents still work so they aren't able to come down as often as they'd like. The problem is my husband's behavior when we do make plans with my family. Instead of it being a weekend about ME, MY FAMILY, and what I want to do, my husband gets upset if I make plans with a few girlfriends and tells me he gets uncomfortable or bored spending time alone with my parents. "A" makes it obvious that it's inconvenient for us to travel (my hometown is 3.5 hours away) and gets stressed out the week before and a few days after our weekends away and he's always rushing us out on Sundays because we usually have dinner with his family on Sunday (although I've made sure to tell him and them that Sunday dinner is NOT a tradition and there should not be an expectation that we go every single week). When my parents come down to visit us it's even worse. My husband wants to know the EXACT time they are coming down and typically requests doing something with his family as well. Our parents get along, but my parents (and myself) have been vocal about wanting time with just my family considering our time together is so limited. I've tried to explain to my husband that once parents are retired and can come down more often, this will change and we will do more with ALL of our parents. My parents do have a tendency to be slightly imposing when they are at our house, so I've been working on setting up boundaries so that it's a little easier (for example, telling them that they cannot expect to bring their dog down every time they visit).

Our fights are mostly rooted in this issue and it makes me so sad. I am already distanced from my parents but now I'm having to fight my husband to have a weekend with them here and there (for context, we see his parents on average 1-2x per week and for a few hours each day of the weekend). I LOVE seeing his parents, its just frustrating that he can't give me the same time with mine that I give him. I have told him all of this, exhaustively, repeatedly, and even in marriage counseling, and he doesn't seem to get it. When I do try to explain, he has this way of making me feel like I'm crazy and then accusing me of losing my temper (I elevate my voice and cry out of frustration sometimes, but he was the one who cussed during our last fight). We both put pressure on ourselves to make our parents happy, sometimes to a fault, and I think I'm better at recognizing this than he is. I just don't feel like there's room for me in his world, like he'd rather just spend time with his family and have me around when it's convenient. This is a little dramatic and not how I feel all the time, but there's a little truth in it. 

I don't know where to go from here. At our counseling appointment last night he brought up our upcoming trip to Mexico with my family. He's upset that we're traveling over his birthday despite me informing him that it's because of several factors including when they have time off, when flights are available, and the fact that my parents are paying for us to go. Mind you, his parents took us to Italy three years ago and it was over my birthday and I was OVERJOYED. Why can't he just be thankful that he's going to Mexico? It honestly makes me sick to my stomach that I have to stress so much about the relationship with my family because of him. I've thought about telling him that we need to move half way between parents if this is how it's going to be, but I really do like where we live and not having ANY family around would be sad. What should I do? Am I in the wrong?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

You will build resentment over this issue with family and visits. Take a stand now because it will not fix itself. Your H needs more marriage counseling with you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

When you visit your parents, shouldn't you be there visiting and not out with girlfriends?

Now, I get you, and to me it's no sweat, but perhaps at this early M stage H isn't comfortable hanging out with YOUR parents.

He will be as time goes on, likely, but not yet it seems. 

Is it that you're using the time out to go to a bar, or is it just shopping?

How does this work with c19?

Patience, balance. Are there other things you two are arguing about that the trip may be amplifying?


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Thanks for your reply. I do spend most of the time in my hometown with parents, but every once in a while I will go over to my best friends house. I should have been more detailed about that. I'd say about 1 in 3 times I end up hanging out with my one best friend from childhood, so it's really not much. And it's never going out, it's going over or having her come over to my parents house to spend time with all of us. Also, sometimes my parents like just having their grandson to themselves! Hope that clarifies things.

We don't really argue about anything else. We both know that my parents are less relaxing to be around than his parents (probably due to the fact that we are around them more) but I have been trying to work on that with them. My parents are just louder people, in all ways! Now that I see that and understand that, it's been healthier for my husband and I. But at the same time, I can't expect them to change, not drastically at least, so we've changed the way we handle it. I think though my husband still lives in this world where my parents and I are on this team against him. My mom and I are super close, we talk about a lot of things, and no one in my husband's family is close like that. I don't know how to show him that they love him if we don't have the time to spend with them. Part of the reason I am so comfortable around his family is because I spend so much time with them. I know it'll take time...but I don't necessarily see my husband putting forth the effort to really make himself part of my family.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You will build resentment over this issue with family and visits. Take a stand now because it will not fix itself. Your H needs more marriage counseling with you.


Thanks for replying. I've been fighting resentment for a while now and just feel like I could burst at any time. I'm glad we're doing marriage counseling, but to some extent both parties need to put down their pride and be willing to change some things for it to work. So far, we have talked about some great ideas in counseling, and then when the time comes to implement those ideas, he freezes and resorts to what he's been doing the last year or two.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> When you visit your parents, shouldn't you be there visiting and not out with girlfriends?
> 
> Now, I get you, and to me it's no sweat, but perhaps at this early M stage H isn't comfortable hanging out with YOUR parents.
> 
> Patience, balance. Are there other things you two are arguing about that the trip may be amplifying?


Thanks for your reply. I do spend most of the time in my hometown with parents, but every once in a while I will go over to my best friends house. I should have been more detailed about that. I'd say about 1 in 3 times I end up hanging out with my one best friend from childhood, so it's really not much. And it's never going out, it's going over or having her come over to my parents house to spend time with all of us. Also, sometimes my parents like just having their grandson to themselves! Hope that clarifies things.

We don't really argue about anything else. We both know that my parents are less relaxing to be around than his parents (probably due to the fact that we are around them more) but I have been trying to work on that with them. My parents are just louder people, in all ways! Now that I see that and understand that, it's been healthier for my husband and I. But at the same time, I can't expect them to change, not drastically at least, so we've changed the way we handle it. I think though my husband still lives in this world where my parents and I are on this team against him. My mom and I are super close, we talk about a lot of things, and no one in my husband's family is close like that. I don't know how to show him that they love him if we don't have the time to spend with them. Part of the reason I am so comfortable around his family is because I spend so much time with them. I know it'll take time...but I don't necessarily see my husband putting forth the effort to really make himself part of my family.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

ahappe said:


> The problem is my husband's behavior when we do make plans with my family. Instead of it being a weekend about ME, MY FAMILY, and what I want to do, my husband gets upset if I make plans with a few girlfriends and tells me he gets uncomfortable or bored spending time alone with my parents.


I can relate to how he feels. My in-laws were farmers and when we would visit, all they would talk about was farming. No effort to talk about anything else. If I tried to steer the conversation to something else, they would go right back to farming. I was bored out of my skull and hated going to visit them. Look into what's going on while you are gone. It may shed some light as to why he feels the way he does.


ahappe said:


> "A" makes it obvious that it's inconvenient for us to travel (my hometown is 3.5 hours away) and gets stressed out the week before and a few days after our weekends away and he's always rushing us out on Sundays because we usually have dinner with his family on Sunday (although I've made sure to tell him and them that Sunday dinner is NOT a tradition and there should not be an expectation that we go every single week).


Of course it's inconvenient, you're traveling with a young child. And rushing to leave has nothing to do with Sunday dinner with his parents. He just wants to get out of there.


ahappe said:


> When my parents come down to visit us it's even worse. My husband wants to know the EXACT time they are coming down


Not an unreasonable request. When my son and DIL are coming to visit, I want to know when they are coming as well. I don't want to be sitting around for hours waiting on them when I could be doing something else.


ahappe said:


> typically requests doing something with his family as well. Our parents get along, but my parents (and myself) have been vocal about wanting time with just my family considering our time together is so limited.


Also not an unreasonable request. Perhaps your husband can busy himself doing something else while you do something with your family.


ahappe said:


> My parents do have a tendency to be slightly imposing when they are at our house, so I've been working on setting up boundaries so that it's a little easier (for example, telling them that they cannot expect to bring their dog down every time they visit).


Now you're getting to the crux of the matter. What you see as slightly imposing may seem unbearable to your husband and another reason why he feels the way he does.


ahappe said:


> Our fights are mostly rooted in this issue and it makes me so sad. I am already distanced from my parents but now I'm having to fight my husband to have a weekend with them here and there


Perhaps you can visit them more on your own.


ahappe said:


> (for context, we see his parents on average 1-2x per week and for a few hours each day of the weekend). I LOVE seeing his parents, its just frustrating that he can't give me the same time with mine that I give him.


Of course he can't, your parents live 3 1/2 hours away.

Are you guys in marriage counseling just because of this issue or is there something else going on that may be contributing to the issue with parents?

You want your husband to change the way he feels and that's not going to happen anymore than you can change the way you feel. Do some digging into why he feels the way he does and see if the two of you can't work out some solution by addressing the root cause of the matter.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ahappe said:


> Thanks for your reply. I do spend most of the time in my hometown with parents, but every once in a while I will go over to my best friends house. I should have been more detailed about that. I'd say about 1 in 3 times I end up hanging out with my one best friend from childhood, so it's really not much. And it's never going out, it's going over or having her come over to my parents house to spend time with all of us. Also, sometimes my parents like just having their grandson to themselves! Hope that clarifies things.
> 
> We don't really argue about anything else. We both know that my parents are less relaxing to be around than his parents (probably due to the fact that we are around them more) but I have been trying to work on that with them. My parents are just louder people, in all ways! Now that I see that and understand that, it's been healthier for my husband and I. But at the same time, I can't expect them to change, not drastically at least, so we've changed the way we handle it. I think though my husband still lives in this world where my parents and I are on this team against him. My mom and I are super close, we talk about a lot of things, and no one in my husband's family is close like that. I don't know how to show him that they love him if we don't have the time to spend with them. Part of the reason I am so comfortable around his family is because I spend so much time with them. I know it'll take time...but I don't necessarily see my husband putting forth the effort to really make himself part of my family.


Thanks for sharing a bit more.

What would you do if the truth is, he really just doesn't care for your pushy parents?

In trying to simplify, that's what it may come down to.

I'm not saying you're being unreasonable all the time, or that he is, but the reality as an adult he gets to say how he spends his time off, too.

Kudos to you for reaching out and continuing to look for solutions! One will come up.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think my main issue with this is you both are way to attached to your parents. You grown ups and have your own family now. I honestly think the best thing for both of you and your marriage is to cut down on the time spent with both sets of parents and focus on doing fun things as a family instead. You both sound a little emotionally dependent on mommy and daddy.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

ahappe said:


> Thanks for replying. I've been fighting resentment for a while now and just feel like I could burst at any time. I'm glad we're doing marriage counseling, but to some extent both parties need to put down their pride and be willing to change some things for it to work. So far, we have talked about some great ideas in counseling, and then when the time comes to implement those ideas, he freezes and resorts to what he's been doing the last year or two.


Don't give up or give in to your H behavior. Is your H under the gun by his parents. In other words, he better show up to dinner on Sunday or else.... Your H is expecting you to be family to his family but appears to want to exclude your parents as much as possible. Your H needs to be comfortable with your parents. It's called being an adult. Your H appears to be immature. 

The resentment will eat you alive. And, when your parents get older(the all do) and really can't make the trip then what?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Can you take your son to see your parents for a weekend, without your husband?


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> I can relate to how he feels. My in-laws were farmers and when we would visit, all they would talk about was farming. No effort to talk about anything else. If I tried to steer the conversation to something else, they would go right back to farming. I was bored out of my skull and hated going to visit them. Look into what's going on while you are gone. It may shed some light as to why he feels the way he does.
> 
> Of course it's inconvenient, you're traveling with a young child. And rushing to leave has nothing to do with Sunday dinner with his parents. He just wants to get out of there.
> 
> ...


I've suggested he reach out to his best man, who lives 20 minutes from my parents, but he's never done this. I've also suggested going up by myself with our son and he was deeply offended by it. Why? He couldn't tell me other than "you want me to have a relationship with your parents but then ask if I want to see my friend while we are visiting them"? 

He describes his problem going up as not being able to get the things he wants to done (i.e. training for his ironman and spending time with his family, as he states). I do think that there is something deeper, but he hasn't told me differently when I've asked. I agree that it's reasonable to have a time set when they are coming down, but what it translates to is wanting to know if we can go to his parents house for 10 minutes right after I get off work and before my parents come down. Also, they drive 3.5 hours, they may not arrive at the exact time. It would be more reasonable for us to know what time they left so we have an estimate, in my opinion. 

In regards to doing something on his own with his parents while my parents are in town, he's done this before. He's always pushed more for both families to get together, though. 

I know he can't give me the time with my parents that we get with his because of the distance, but that's why I feel he should be more patient, more willing, and more flexible with the time we DO have with my parents.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ahappe said:


> I've been married to "A" for 3.5 years and we have an 18 month old son. Prior to settling down, we made the decision to move to his home town, knowing that my parents were planning on moving upon retirement. We wanted to be close to family and since his parents planned to stay in one place, we chose to settle near them. Because of this, my husband reassured me that we would be making frequent trips to see my parents and have them down to visit us. My parents have definitely struggled with this, as have I, but I know it was the right decision to make. Up until now.
> 
> Now that we have a son, the distance is much harder on my parents and I. We are not able to go up as often considering we have a young child and we both work, and both of my parents still work so they aren't able to come down as often as they'd like. The problem is my husband's behavior when we do make plans with my family. Instead of it being a weekend about ME, MY FAMILY, and what I want to do, my husband gets upset if I make plans with a few girlfriends and tells me he gets uncomfortable or bored spending time alone with my parents. "A" makes it obvious that it's inconvenient for us to travel (my hometown is 3.5 hours away) and gets stressed out the week before and a few days after our weekends away and he's always rushing us out on Sundays because we usually have dinner with his family on Sunday (although I've made sure to tell him and them that Sunday dinner is NOT a tradition and there should not be an expectation that we go every single week). When my parents come down to visit us it's even worse. My husband wants to know the EXACT time they are coming down and typically requests doing something with his family as well. Our parents get along, but my parents (and myself) have been vocal about wanting time with just my family considering our time together is so limited. I've tried to explain to my husband that once parents are retired and can come down more often, this will change and we will do more with ALL of our parents. My parents do have a tendency to be slightly imposing when they are at our house, so I've been working on setting up boundaries so that it's a little easier (for example, telling them that they cannot expect to bring their dog down every time they visit).
> 
> ...


Hi, thanks for sharing your situation. 
I think you have a lot of valid concerns, BUT, if I were your husband, I would get annoyed also about having to spend time with YOUR parents without you. Why are you making plans with your friends, if it's supposed to be about family time? Why should your husband have to be alone with them? It's your family. He's probably resentful about it and is being passive aggressive.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Don't give up or give in to your H behavior. Is your H under the gun by his parents. In other words, he better show up to dinner on Sunday or else.... Your H is expecting you to be family to his family but appears to want to exclude your parents as much as possible. Your H needs to be comfortable with your parents. It's called being an adult. Your H appears to be immature.
> 
> The resentment will eat you alive. And, when your parents get older(the all do) and really can't make the trip then what?


I think his parents guilt trip him more than I think when it comes to spending time with them. I just have a hard time sympathizing with him/them because we do spend a lot of time over there. I agree with a previous poster's reply that he's an adult and can say when he doesn't feel comfortable around my parents, but they are his in-laws and I feel that he should try to manage that for my sake! I'm trying to work with my parents on things that they need to change, such as being intrusive and bringing up politics, because that'll be good for ALL of us. I'm just stuck between my husband and my parents...and it's really hard. 

I'm dreading when they do move because it'll be a 5 hour drive at that point. What happens then? I don't know but at this rate it's not going to be better.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Hi, thanks for sharing your situation.
> I think you have a lot of valid concerns, BUT, if I were your husband, I would get annoyed also about having to spend time with YOUR parents without you. Why are you making plans with your friends, if it's supposed to be about family time? Why should your husband have to be alone with them? It's your family. He's probably resentful about it and is being passive aggressive.


Totally understand. I replied to another person to clarify some things. First, I've always given him the opportunity to get together with his best man who lives close to my parents. I've even urged him to do this. Use my parents as babysitters so we can do our thing! He's never done this. I do spend a lot of time with his parents on my own because I like them, I've gotten to know them, and they are MY family as well! I'm not asking my husband to spend hours alone with my parents, more like an hour or two on the rare occasion I see my girlfriend of 20 years for coffee or lunch. My husband has verbalized that he WANTS to spend more time with my parents by himself to get to know them more. He says he likes that one on one time. Obviously it's hard to explain all of this in one post, so hopefully these details give you more perspective. I do see his side and I've tried to mitigate things, I'm just realizing I can't fix how he feels about my parents and vice versa.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

ahappe said:


> I think his parents guilt trip him more than I think when it comes to spending time with them. I just have a hard time sympathizing with him/them because we do spend a lot of time over there. I agree with a previous poster's reply that he's an adult and can say when he doesn't feel comfortable around my parents, but they are his in-laws and I feel that he should try to manage that for my sake! I'm trying to work with my parents on things that they need to change, such as being intrusive and bringing up politics, because that'll be good for ALL of us. I'm just stuck between my husband and my parents...and it's really hard.
> 
> I'm dreading when they do move because it'll be a 5 hour drive at that point. What happens then? I don't know but at this rate it's not going to be better.


Ah yes, the guilt trip. I got that crap from my parents. I just went the path of least resistance which was my W taking the back seat and her not getting much time with her parents during the holidays. Crap that I regret. 

Your H needs to cut the apron strings. Your H must become his own man. When the guilt trip starts your H needs to confront and have it stop. Not until then will the pressure put on him by his parents will it stop. I had to do this with my mother. It did not ruin our relationship. The relationship came to an understanding how my W and I were going to handle visits. In doing so, things got less stressful with visits and holiday crazy crap. 

You are not stuck between your H and your parents. You are stuck between your H and his parents. Your H is to put you first. This includes over and above the demanding/guilt tripping in laws.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

bobert said:


> Can you take your son to see your parents for a weekend, without your husband?


I've brought this up and he says it makes him uncomfortable for me to go alone and that "it's like I'm being written out of your life and their life if you go up by yourself". That's honestly a direct quote from him. So when he does come up he acts miserable and if he didn't come up I'm "writing him out". AHHH!

I also think he doesn't like this idea because if I'm taking our son, it means his parents won't see him for 2 days.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

ahappe said:


> I've brought this up and he says it makes him uncomfortable for me to go alone and that "it's like I'm being written out of your life and their life if you go up by yourself". That's honestly a direct quote from him. So when he does come up he acts miserable and if he didn't come up I'm "writing him out". AHHH!
> 
> I also think he doesn't like this idea because if I'm taking our son, it means his parents won't see him for 2 days.


You got a H that needs some individual counseling. Why the heck would your H feel he is being written out??? Seriously, your H needs some self reflection. In your posts, I don't detect what a marriage can truly be with the behavior your H displays with you, travel and his parents.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Ah yes, the guilt trip. I got that crap from my parents. I just went the path of least resistance which was my W taking the back seat and her not getting much time with her parents during the holidays. Crap that I regret.
> 
> Your H needs to cut the apron strings. Your H must become his own man. When the guilt trip starts your H needs to confront and have it stop. Not until then will the pressure put on him by his parents will it stop. I had to do this with my mother. It did not ruin our relationship. The relationship came to an understanding how my W and I were going to handle visits. In doing so, things got less stressful with visits and holiday crazy crap.
> 
> You are not stuck between your H and your parents. You are stuck between your H and his parents. Your H is to put you first. This includes over and above the demanding/guilt tripping in laws.


Thank you. So much. I think he's stressed thinking about having this conversation with his parents because it'll disappoint them. It's easier for him to disappoint me, and I think that's common in marriages. Honestly, I think he puts more guilt on himself than his parents do, but either way he needs to let go of some of that. We spend plenty of time with his parents, especially compared to mine. They should be thankful for that.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ahappe said:


> My husband has verbalized that he WANTS to spend more time with my parents by himself to get to know them more. He says he likes that one on one time.


Oh ok, I understand. But if he WANTS to spend more time with them alone, then why is he acting in a way that seems like he is complaining that he has to?


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think my main issue with this is you both are way to attached to your parents. You grown ups and have your own family now. I honestly think the best thing for both of you and your marriage is to cut down on the time spent with both sets of parents and focus on doing fun things as a family instead. You both sound a little emotionally dependent on mommy and daddy.


Definitely! I've started to realize this and actually appreciate the distance between my parents at times. It doesn't mean I don't want to see them, I just don't depend on it on a daily or weekly basis. We had this exact conversation about 2 weeks before covid hit, which has drastically impacted the plans we had to do things as a family of 3. I had purchased a science museum membership, we were going to get together with friends down here and set up play dates with other kids. I was so excited to step into a new chapter of our lives as our own nuclear family. Then covid hit and it made all of these plans impossible. We are both in healthcare and exposed to covid patients daily, so it makes for a pretty boring life if not for spending time with his parents, who are both aware of the exposure and still happy to see us. We also live in the northern U.S., so time we can spend outside is dwindling. But I can so appreciate what you said, because it's true!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ahappe said:


> ...if I'm taking our son, it means his parents won't see him for 2 days.


Your in-laws don't need to see their grandson every day, or even several times a week. It sounds like they need to stop being so selfish, as does your husband. And if your husband just can't stand up to mommy and daddy, then he needs to work on that. I'd much rather disappoint my parents than my wife. Choices we make about the kids are between my wife and I, not my parents.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Oh ok, I understand. But if he WANTS to spend more time with them alone, then why is he acting in a way that seems like he is complaining that he has to?


Exactly. I don't know and this is why I get so frustrated. I almost just want to sit him down with my parents, leave, and have them talk it out. I'm not trying to be offensive, but my husband is more "white collar" and my parents are a little more "blue collar" in terms of their upringing, jobs, and world perspective, but my husband has vocalized wanting to do more things with my stepdad, like hunting and fishing, but he's never told him! I'm like, dude, just tell him! My stepdad isn't trying to exclude you by not inviting you, he just doesn't think you're interested in it and those trips are like HOLY to him, lol. He also knows we are extremely busy and live hours away so my stepdad has told me he hesitates to invite Andy because he doesn't want him to feel bad if he can't go. Maybe this would all be resolved if they all just talked to each other instead of through me!


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You got a H that needs some individual counseling. Why the heck would your H feel he is being written out??? Seriously, your H needs some self reflection. In your posts, I don't detect what a marriage can truly be with the behavior your H displays with you, travel and his parents.


I've gently brought up the idea of him getting counseling and I know he's listening to some self help podcasts, but I still think an actual counselor would be more helpful. I am currently in counseling, and have been for about a year. It's SO helpful! I wish I would have gone sooner.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

ahappe said:


> I've gently brought up the idea of him getting counseling and I know he's listening to some self help podcasts, but I still think an actual counselor would be more helpful. I am currently in counseling, and have been for about a year. It's SO helpful! I wish I would have gone sooner.


There is no doubt in my mind your marriage is not at a level it can be. At least your H is making some steps to figure out the man he is to be. Hanging onto mom and looking to please at a cost to his marriage is something your H needs to grow out of. It may even require cutting off his parents off. That is his decision only.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ahappe said:


> Exactly. I don't know and this is why I get so frustrated. I almost just want to sit him down with my parents, leave, and have them talk it out. I'm not trying to be offensive, but my husband is more "white collar" and my parents are a little more "blue collar" in terms of their upringing, jobs, and world perspective, but my husband has vocalized wanting to do more things with my stepdad, like hunting and fishing, but he's never told him! I'm like, dude, just tell him! My stepdad isn't trying to exclude you by not inviting you, he just doesn't think you're interested in it and those trips are like HOLY to him, lol. He also knows we are extremely busy and live hours away so my stepdad has told me he hesitates to invite Andy because he doesn't want him to feel bad if he can't go. Maybe this would all be resolved if they all just talked to each other instead of through me!


Have H tell your step dad that he just bought a new rod and reel, and wants to try it, and ask where step Dad thinks is best to go.

Now, it needs to be a very nice rod/reel, maybe new tackle if needed.

Step dad will offer suggestions and offer to take him.
Thereby all manhood remains intact.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have H tell your step dad that he just bought a new rod and reel, and wants to try it, and ask where step Dad thinks is best to go.
> 
> Now, it needs to be a very nice rod/reel, maybe new tackle if needed.
> 
> ...


Love it. Now I know what to get H for Christmas. You've solved 2 pressing problems in my life in the span of a few hours. Hats off to you, kind internet stranger!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ahappe said:


> Love it. Now I know what to get H for Christmas. You've solved 2 pressing problems in my life in the span of a few hours. Hats off to you, kind internet stranger!!


You're too kind 👍🙂 !

I do hope and believe it will work out and fishing will be on. 

Keep us updated!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know what you mean about needing to visit your friends while in town. But I can also see why your husband doesn't want to be left alone with your parents. There is a simple solution. Have them babysit and let your husband do what he wants while you're gone -- or get a motel room because he probably just wants to hang out alone and watch tv.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m sorry I kind of disagree with you. 

If your husband doesn’t love spending alone time with your family, I wouldn’t leave him hours on end in their house. That would make me uncomfortable too. 

Why can’t you visit your family for the weekend by yourself occasionally? I did this a lot when I was married. If you want to see your parents more, then see them more. He doesn’t HAVE to come, especially every time. 

Of course you guys see his parents more, it’s easy and convenient. You can’t compare apples to oranges.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

ahappe said:


> I do think that there is something deeper, but he hasn't told me differently when I've asked.


The old saying that each spouse is 50% responsible for the problems within the marriage sure fails here. You've talked to him, taken this to Marriage Counseling, you've offered him up alternative activities, etc. You've gone beyond reasonable accommodation and effort. This is all on him.

Now, if the problem is not being solved at the surface level, your solutions are all in reaction to the surface problem (time with your parents) then it's clear, as you suspect, that the problem is something else, something deeper. If we take a step back, another way of looking at this surface problem is that he is simply not interested in compromising to meet your needs, in this very specific instance. Can this explanation be generalized to other aspects of your life? Is he a husband who will put his immediate needs aside to meet your needs? Or is he a guy who can sustain putting his needs aside in order to sustain meeting your needs for a few days, in other words, does he have a limited capacity for compromise, he can do it for a few hours, put putting you first for a few days is simply too much for him? 

Maybe talk to him and tell hm that you are going to take charge for the next weekend visit. You pack the car, you drive the car, you MAKE him play a game on his phone for the whole drive. You stop and fill the tank with gas. You unpack the car when you arrive. you feed him lunch, you arrange a playdate for him with his best-man in your hometown, you decide on bedtime, you, you find something for hm to do so that he doesn't interact with your parents when you visit a friend, you decide when you depart. If he can't be an adult and supporting spouse, then you take responsibility for him like he's a child. Something needs to be done to penetrate his thinking, to allow himself to see that his behavior is not reasonable. This is pretty-in-your-face and he'll complain as it becomes obvious what you're doing, clueing in at some point into the trip/visit. 

Does he have the humility within him to admit to you that he is in the wrong? Is he a stubborn man?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What do you do for Childcare?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My personal opinion is there is no greater blessing than grandparents. I worshiped all the times I got to spend with my grandparents and they were some of my best memories as a child. 

Grandparents are these amazingly experienced smart people who are retired (most of the time), and dying for some grandbaby time (most of the time), and they always want to be useful and helpful. LET THEM BE. Honestly it’s the way things are suppose to be, it’s good for them, good for kids, and good for the marriage. Let them babysit weekly while you have a date night. Have Sunday dinners, you don’t have to cook for a day, it’s a beautiful thing and they will have a beautiful tradition and tons of memories. 
And I bet when you think of how you want to spend your days when your old and retired, I bet it’s with your family around you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What guidance does your counsellor give about the situation?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ahappe said:


> Exactly. I don't know and this is why I get so frustrated. I almost just want to sit him down with my parents, leave, and have them talk it out. I'm not trying to be offensive, but my husband is more "white collar" and my parents are a little more "blue collar" in terms of their upringing, jobs, and world perspective, but my husband has vocalized wanting to do more things with my stepdad, like hunting and fishing, but he's never told him! I'm like, dude, just tell him! My stepdad isn't trying to exclude you by not inviting you, he just doesn't think you're interested in it and those trips are like HOLY to him, lol. He also knows we are extremely busy and live hours away so my stepdad has told me he hesitates to invite Andy because he doesn't want him to feel bad if he can't go. Maybe this would all be resolved if they all just talked to each other instead of through me!


Oh, now I understand. So, rather than your stepdad not asking him b/c he assumes your husband want to do stuff, have a talk with your stepdad and encourage him to ask your husband to partake in these things. Maybe you're husband will actually learn to enjoy some of it. Perhaps you have already spoken to your stepfather?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think this is a counselling issue, this is a compromise issue - on both your parts. 

So many options - You go with your son most of the time, and your husband comes occasionally, and you don't see your friends on the times he comes. He comes every time and you stay in a hotel, not with your parents, so that he's not stuck alone with them while you're out - I couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck alone with my inlaws...omfg. Or you go alone more often, but only stay one night? That's another option.

He may just not feel comfortable with your parents, and that's ok. My inlaws are very hard to be with, you have to be "on" all the time, and everything is a huge affair. Can't just have coffee and biscuits, nope, it's the whole enchilada and its _exhausting_.

My family is polar opposite - very relaxed, coffee and cake literally means coffee and cake lol. My husband is so comfortable with my family that if he gets bored or tired while we're there he goes and has a nap on Mum's bed 

And I'd be cutting back the visits with his parents too, multiple times a week and all weekend is bloody ridiculous.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ahappe said:


> I've brought this up and he says it makes him uncomfortable for me to go alone and that "it's like I'm being written out of your life and their life if you go up by yourself". That's honestly a direct quote from him. So when he does come up he acts miserable and if he didn't come up I'm "writing him out". AHHH!
> 
> I also think he doesn't like this idea because if I'm taking our son, it means his parents won't see him for 2 days.


Why don't you sit him down lay out all you have told us in writing in point form in front of him and ask him for a solution. See what he says. He needs to realize that he is not helping by basically disagreeing with all options that you have offered. 
Then tell him you will spend exactly the same amount of time with his parents as he does with your parents. No more spending time with them alone, etc. He needs to realize that he is being very unreasonable. Tell him you are no longer visiting his persons 2 times per week, he can go ahead, take the kid also. You should also act miserable the one or two times you have to go visit his parents. 
Tell him, he can also stay behind with his parents for his birthday and you will go to Mexico alone with your kid and parents.
Husbands like this need to get some push back as this is totally unreasonable.
Your H sounds like a big baby who is still at his mother's breast. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a mommy.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

frusdil said:


> My husband is so comfortable with my family that if he gets bored or tired while we're there he goes and has a nap on Mum's bed


Hmm. Over to Dr Freud in the studio for comment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband needs to understand that not everything is about him. He needs to be able to sit in the background and not resent not being the center of attention like he is at his parents'.

Yeah, he needs to cut those apron strings.

How would he like it if you acted toward his family the way he acts toward yours? Your relationship is heavily skewed in favor of pleasing him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So take this as one point of view here but what is the fixation with parents in the first place?

Is it a different thing for women versus men?

When I moved out to go to college I was basically done with parents except for the occasional visit. You have your own family now with your husband.

As a clueless husband I never understood why my wife was always talking with her mom on the phone. For me it was irritating. So if my wife was like, “Hey I want to spend all this time with my parents.” To me that would be very weird.

The rub here is, it sounds like you’re spending a lot of time with his family. I think your idea of changing the logistics so that it is easier to hit up both sets of parents is a good one if you’re determined to do it but my advice is cut the cord. You’re presumably adults now you don’t need either set of parents.

Maybe reducing the time you spend with your husband’s family will restore some balance. Just a thought.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> My personal opinion is there is no greater blessing than grandparents. I worshiped all the times I got to spend with my grandparents and they were some of my best memories as a child.
> 
> Grandparents are these amazingly experienced smart people who are retired (most of the time), and dying for some grandbaby time (most of the time), and they always want to be useful and helpful. LET THEM BE. Honestly it’s the way things are suppose to be, it’s good for them, good for kids, and good for the marriage. Let them babysit weekly while you have a date night. Have Sunday dinners, you don’t have to cook for a day, it’s a beautiful thing and they will have a beautiful tradition and tons of memories.
> And I bet when you think of how you want to spend your days when your old and retired, I bet it’s with your family around you.


What’s your point? She is trying hard for her parents to get their time with grandchild, while the other couple is trying to monopolize it


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> What’s your point? She is trying hard for her parents to get their time with grandchild, while the other couple is trying to monopolize it


She should just go see her parents with her kid by herself. If he doesn’t like it who cares, he can come if he wants. If he doesn’t want to come then he doesn’t have to. 

Things will be better when her parents retire and move closer to them.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> She should just go see her parents with her kid by herself. If he doesn’t like it who cares, he can come if he wants. If he doesn’t want to come then he doesn’t have to.
> 
> Things will be better when her parents retire and move closer to them.


With that I agree.
But my understanding is her patents will move farther away -to 5 hour drive instead of 3.5


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I agree that you should visit your parents without hubby. He really has to stop being so selfish. And his parents too - they have a granchild around all the time, should stop complaining because he goes to visit other grandparents.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> With that I agree.
> But my understanding is her patents will move farther away -to 5 hour drive instead of 3.5


Yes, my parents are retiring up to their lake place so it'll be 5 hours away instead of 3.5. I've talked with my parents about that, and let them know that we likely won't be able to make as many trips up there once they move, but they'll be able to come to us much more often. And when kids are older I'll be happy to send them off to the lake for a week with them! Really, I'm just looking forward to when my parents retire. They'll have so much more freedom to visit.


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## ahappe (Nov 25, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I agree that you should visit your parents without hubby. He really has to stop being so selfish. And his parents too - they have a granchild around all the time, should stop complaining because he goes to visit other grandparents.


If things don't start changing I think I'll be doing more of this. I talked to my own counselor about it and she suggested the same thing. If it makes H uncomfortable, then he has some soul searching to do, and I can't help much with that unless he realizes that about himself. Thank you for reaching out, it helps so much!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ahappe said:


> I've brought this up and he says it makes him uncomfortable for me to go alone and that "it's like I'm being written out of your life and their life if you go up by yourself".


God, you married such a damned little man-child.

No matter what you do, little Johnny just isn't happy with you - unless you're sucking up to HIS mommy and daddy and he's getting his own way. I don't know how you stand putting up with this fool, I honestly don't. I would have shot myself out behind the barn by now.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everyone is motivated in their own self interest. We all need to understand this. 
So you need to really think about what decisions is best you, your marriage, your kids, and your overall family. And these decisions are all different right? So you have to make well rounded decisions that benefit everyone. 
So the fact that your kids need grandparents time, is a perfect opportunity to have husband wife time and that kills two birds with one stone. Yes, you will be upsetting your in laws when you spend a full weekend at your parents, but of course they will be upset. They have less time with their grandkids and that makes them unhappy. Who cares, their are adults and they will get over it and you know what’s best for your family, even if it doesn’t make everyone happy. 

It is impossibly to make everyone in your family happy with with every decision. We all need to accept that as adults and be ok with it. Also, it will come time when the decision doesn’t make you happy, but it’s your turn to grim and bear it for the greater good of everyone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Did he ever live independently before marriage? Man or woman, I would advise against marrying anyone who hadn't lived on their own and depended on only themselves for at least a year or two. If you stay attached to the parents' apron strings and need them to make decisions, you're not maturing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> So take this as one point of view here but what is the fixation with parents in the first place?
> 
> Is it a different thing for women versus men?
> 
> ...


I do not believe it is a gender thing, it is a FOO thing and the expectations set therin. I rarely contact my family as I live on the other side of the world, though I visit annual and we all get on really well. My H on the other hand hardly would not go a week without phone calls and visits to his mother and father who live in the same state as us. Even when we lived overseas nearer to my family he probably saw them more than I saw mine, flying back on business and visiting all the time.


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