# Separation -- I didn't want



## molly92 (Mar 9, 2008)

I've been married 15 years .. my husband has gotten into some financial debt and now lost his job.

He's opted to separate -- I had asked that we try to work through this. I could see my faults in the marriage and was willing to work at them. But, he moved out. He said he wanted to fix his life. 

But I'm confused -- he says he prefers I wear my wedding rings and says he loves me. He'll honor his vows. He came up with some things he didn't like about me.. and then said he thought it was good that I was going to counseling. I asked if that's how you feel.. then why do you want to be with someone you have issues with? He thought counseling would allow me to fix myself.. I guess it's a let try everything before we close the door on this marriage. 

I've asked him to give me a time frame on this separation.. weeks.. years? He's asked that I stand by him.. but for how long? He says as long as it takes.

I've spoken with his family -- and they say he's sad and confused. 

We have 3 boys -- my eldest tells me 'as far as I'm concerned he quit the game'. I think he resents his Dad leaving when his Dad has raised him to be the opposite.

I know that men like to hear they're wanted .. loved... appreciated. So that's what I've tried to do.

I can understand him not wanting to talk with me because I do get emotional. 

But -- do I wait? If I wait.. I run the risk of him saying "ahh, I don't want to come back'.

The not knowing is driving me crazy -- 

Any advise?


----------



## odchoi (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi, when things are rather that deep. People sometimes need to go to like, what he said, fix their lives. Maybe you can just leave it that way but still try to figure things out on how to improve yourself and how to help him financially. Debts are great headaches. I haven't known the reason for you incurring this and haven't known his issues too so I can't talk much. All I can say is that give him his time alone so he may figure out a way to solve his problems. He is still communicating with you right?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Molly92

Sounds like he is placing blame with you. He is the one with the bad financial habits. He is the one that lost his job. He is the one that walked out on you and your three boys. For him to do these things then come up with a “list” of things he doesn’t like about you sounds pretty selfish. Sounds like he is the one that needs fixing, not you. Now, I understand that marriage is a two way street and that when they experience difficulties both parties carry some of the blame. But he needs to share the blame. If he doesn’t like to talk because you are too emotional, try and pull back a bit. Let him know that you are strong and can handle things fine by yourself. I believe he would much rather deal with a strong confident woman than someone who is unsettled whenever you meet or try to discuss issues. It will also show him that you will be fine on your own if this doesn’t work out and that alone may give him pause about leaving. Find your strength and faith during this time. Love your kids and help them though this time of trouble. They deserve your love and support at this point more than he does. If you focus on them it will be healthier for all of you in the long run. Let him know you love him and want him to return but that right now your children are your top priority. Good luck and Bless.


----------



## twoblave (Mar 7, 2008)

Self confidence is the key. Make sure you respect yourself and don't take all the blame. Amp is right. The more you chase the faster he will run. When he sees that you don't need him to be secure and happy he will drop his guard and rethink think things. My wife has seperated from me. Though I'm just starting to do the things I'm suggesting to you, I feel so much better. You may loose him you may not but it's better to go through this with pride and dignity, than self loathing and acting as if there is no tommorrow. You'll be scared no matter which course of action you take. Don't get angry either. It only makes things worse. Be calm, cool, and collected. If he wants his space, then so be it. Remember that God would rather see you triumph than fail. If you loose him then God has something better for you in your future. Keep your head up and things will work out for the best. No matter what. Pray and build your confidence. Move forward not backward. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.


----------



## tfrontera (Apr 18, 2008)

I kinda know what you are going thru. My husband of 8 years, we have been together for 12 and have 3 kids together, just came back from a treatment center in Florida, and while he was down there made all kinds of promises for a change and everything will be better and he did this for us and not just him. And now that he is home he has talked about nothing other thne going back to Florida and how he wants us to go if we want to and that he wants to go down there first and the four of us can stay behind while he gets settled. He wants to start a new life for himself and thinks that where we live is draggin him down. And everytime we talk, I get highly upset and cry all the time, which I am just as tired of doing as he is watching and ignoring me once I get to that place. I can't help my crying, I dont know why I do it, I just do. I get upset because I feel like my marriage is over and I cant do anything about it.
I am just as confused with him wanting space and wanting to set up things down there in Florida while we stay back here. I feel as though he is trying to slowly move out of our lives and not want us to come down there. And when I ask him why he feels this way, he doesnt know, which gets me crying again. I had my doctor put me on zoloft today in hopes to try and start improving myself. I need to go to counseling and I keeping using my kids and work and house stuff and not having enough time to do it as an excuse. I found your posting and wanted to let you know that I can somewhat relate to what you are going thru, however I seemed to turn this into me just getting everything off my mind that I have been thinking about. So in the end, I guess we need to start thinking about ourselves and if they feel they need space then let them have it, who knows for some reason or another everything happens for a reason and maybe this will be a new start for both of us. Good Luck in what may coe your way. Keep you head high!


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I agree with the above posters.

What is this list of issues?? I mean I can come up with a list for my wife as well, and I am positive she can come up with a list for me, no one is perfect, Marriage is compromise and willing to work together.

Do you work as well? 

Financial crisis is tough and many men go through depression witht he loss of a job, failure as a man is very tough pill to swallow. He may have left to not cry in front of the boys, he is supposed to be the "rock" of the family, the burden has become to tough for him.

He definately needs counseling, you should go together.

Tell your son not to resent him, it takes a stronger man to see peoples faults and to accept them. It takes a Great man to help those over come bad times.

anyone can be tough or angry, takes alot of character to be humble and accepting and to offer help to those in need when they are down.

Work with your husbands family to get your husband out of this RUT and have your boys be supportive, not resentful.

I would like to see this list.


----------



## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Waiting for him to give you a time frame, on top of his blaming you for some issues in the marriage, may be giving him time to set things up so that he doesn't have as many obligations to you and your sons.

I suggest you get life back in order by seeing an attorney, and getting things going so that you are protected.

People who change their minds about leaving a marriage are free to remarry, but it is difficult to protect yourself if you let "confusion" keep your life in chaos.


----------



## shane33 (Apr 5, 2008)

molly92 i can kinda see what your husband is up to it is probably the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I think he has hit rock bottom and givin up he has left so he will not drag you or the kids down he is supposed to be the rock in the family and instead he feels like a failure. He is falling at a fast rate into a depression and if you love him and care for him you need to act fast by simply being there for him and show him that its ok and there is more to life than money and that togather a family can and will over come anything togather.
He needs to see that you care still and are there for support also but be carefull not to push him it will be the hardest thing to do i know i have been there.If you can't get him to talk see if you can get him to right it down in a letter or even a journal just his thoughts and feelings even if noones eles reads it it will be a big help for him to get it out in the air and clear he needs to vent and not suppress the fealings trust me when he starts to vent don't say a word just sit back and listen it is very important not to get defensive if he goes on the attack there will be time for that later on when the waters have calmed down just try and be civil and supportive for him he will come around and it is important for the kids to relize whats happening also so they do not resent him for what is going on. I f they resent him he will run and keep on running everyone needs to be supportive and he will come around 
I read a book that helped me and it might help you it is called relationship rescue by philip c mcgraw (dr phil) it is a good book and probably worth a try 
the other one is Why mars&venus collide by john gray i have only just strted this one but seems good so far . 
Good luck i hope all works out for you it is very tough but well worth it in the end 

shane


----------



## Janet (Feb 14, 2009)

I feel like I can completely relate to your problem. My husband too has left or similiar reasons plus the death of his mom and us having a new baby. I was very angry and we fought so badly for a month that I feel as if I pushed him further away. For the past 2 weeks I have not contacted him at all unless it has to do with our child and things have been better for me. I am trying to be focused on myself and child. I totally agree with the previous posts that you have to gain self confidence and move on. If things work out then that is great and you know that you have what it takes to be a strong women in a tough world and if they don't work out then you are already 10 steps ahead of the game by putting your life on track now. Take this time to find yourself too. It takes to tango so please realize that his "list" is not a list you live by. Take care and I'd to hear how you and things are going.


----------

