# Need a friend



## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

My husband is having an affair and he’s moving out. He’s started to move his stuff out today. I’m 50F and trying to hold it together. I’d like someone to chat with.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Lostinthelight, so sorry to hear about your life changing betrayal from your husband. I understand that this must be a very difficult and trying times for you. 

There will many of us here tying to give a hand in helping you with our experiences in dealing with such betrayal. I'm sure you'll get emotional as practical support in dealing legally with your husband. 

It will be important to know if you have the means to support yourself economically. If you have friends and family that you can rely on for support. 
Have you consulted with a lawyer yet, so that you understand where you legally stand in the dissolution of your marriage?

More input as to your situation will be needed for people here yo give you their own particular experience point of view. 
Once again, sorry for your situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm so sorry. What you need is an attorney to advise you and make sure you don't get taken advantage of.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Thank you Rob. I work full time and have a good career. I don’t have family nearby and my friends live far away. I have an attorney and have filed for dissolution. My H has been planning everything for months and what’s made it harder is, as always, he’s keeping mum about everything. He had contacted an attorney months ago, he and his GF have agreed to file together. I read their messages to each other and nothing could be more painful as they mock me, and she tells him to take legal action against me and leave me in debt and homeless if I refuse to sell our home.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm so sorry. What you need is an attorney to advise you and make sure you don't get taken advantage of.


Thank you for your advice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lostinthelight said:


> I read their messages to each other and nothing could be more painful as they mock me, and she tells him to take legal action against me and leave me in debt and homeless if I refuse to sell our home.


They talk to each other whatever tickle their fancy. Fact is it doesn't matter one bit what they think they can do to you. Legally, they will get theirs yet when the legal realities hit them.

Each state has their own set of rules, and what your states bylaws say is what it matters, and that's what lawyers and judges go by.

Although they might be ahead of you in the planning, now that you filed, things will evened out. Just fallow what your lawyer is advising you, and that's that.

Your best bet is to completely gray rock him, ghost him if possible. You can actually request for communication through your lawyer's office, or texts regarding the business of divorcing only. Nothing else. And if your lawyer doesn't advice against it, out him to everyone. Although most lawyers ask their clients not to because it can lead to more drama and more time divorcing. If you have children they should know the truth. Just use age appropriate language. If you have kids and they are adults, the naked truth should be told to them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you Rob. I work full time and have a good career. I don’t have family nearby and my friends live far away. I have an attorney and have filed for dissolution. My H has been planning everything for months and what’s made it harder is, as always, he’s keeping mum about everything. He had contacted an attorney months ago, he and his GF have agreed to file together. I read their messages to each other and nothing could be more painful as they mock me, and she tells him to take legal action against me and leave me in debt and homeless if I refuse to sell our home.


I’m very sorry. I’m glad you have a good career and admire you for going ahead and filing in spite of your tremendous pain. Sitting still and wishing it wasn’t happening is far worse than proceeding with dealing with the problem like you’re doing.
That’s a shame that you had to read all that but at least you have been given some resolve. These two lowlifes deserve one Another.
You still have tone to find a man that truly loves you. One day you’ll probably see this as the beginning of a truly happy life. There’s no way this cheater was treating you like you deserve.
Can him and move on.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Thank you Rob. I live in California, a no fault state. It’s his callousness that has me in shock. If I hadn’t found his lease agreement for a year, and his documents to his attorney, he wouldn’t have said anything. Now, in 2 days, I’ve had to scramble to find another home.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm not used to hearing stories of exit affairs. Usually the cheater wants to stay married amd keep their affair hidden. 

Has he wanted out for awhile? Did you all have problems? Have kids? Been married for awhile?

You don't deserve this treatment. This is awful. I'm very sorry it's happening to you and in such a callous way.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

From the beginning of our marriage, he lied. He recorded me without consent and denied doing it. Finally, he admitted it then he just continued to stonewall me for days then weeks then finally months. He would journal about me, documenting my every move. But worse of all, he took over our son’s life, he was with him all of the time. And my resentment grew as I pleaded and begged for time with our son and all he could say was “he’s right there”. Then I found out that he was charged for cp. and the list goes on. I became angry, and worried that if I left, I couldn’t protect our son as I couldn’t prove a record that had been expunged in another country. And now, he’s demanding that he travel with him, knowing that his family knew his brother molested him and again, I have no proof. It feels like a nightmare. I’m a mother wanting desperately to protect my son but lawyers have told me that I can’t, without proof.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist, you're dealing with a seriously disordered individual. No, that won't explain everything, but the sheer callousness, calculating, and ruthless way he's going about this just screams 'inhumane'. A severe lack of empathy with the highest level of selfishness is a dangerous combo. 

Don't stop fighting, okay? If he insists on being a wall, then be a wall right back. Give him nothing in terms of reaction. He's already shown that he'll use anything against you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Report him for the illegal recording.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Call the cops if you suspect child abuse. You have to show your son by action that you care. 

If you have family & friends even if they are not nearby, call them, video chat. Just reach out. They will be your support system. Go visit. Take your son. Get them to come to you. Join a divorce support group. Look into get a therapist. You need a place to vent. 

Good luck.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Call the cops if you suspect child abuse. You have to show your son by action that you care.
> 
> If you have family & friends even if they are not nearby, call them, video chat. Just reach out. They will be your support system. Go visit. Take your son. Get them to come to you. Join a divorce support group. Look into get a therapist. You need a place to vent.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you. I did report it however, it was too long ago (6 yrs). As for cp, no one will touch this as again, I have no proof. The attorneys I’ve spoken to all said to do 50-50 and walk away as soon as possible as this is all very disturbing.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

During our marriage, I used my credit cards to pay our medical bills which included a few years of fertility treatments. I ended up with a very hefty debt, almost 80000 and now that’s what shows up on my credit report where the score is low. No one wants to rent to me. Now that I found a place, the landlord has requested a payment of 10000, 7000 of which is just the deposit. It all seems like a nightmare and I’m drowning while he’s got himself set up in his place waiting for the realtor to come and start preparing our home for sale. What will I get? Nothing as the down payment was a gift from his parents and the attorney has confirmed that he gets that back. So once it’s sold, I’ll be left with nothing. I agree with everyone in that he has yet again shown how cruel and vindictive he is. Our son will be the one who has to cope now with his father on his own, without me to be a buffer. I’m trying to tell myself that finally, I’ll have my son alone to love him and care for him without his controlling father.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lostinthelight said:


> During our marriage, I used my credit cards to pay our medical bills which included a few years of fertility treatments.


Shouldn't that debt be community property since it was used for the benefits of the marriage? Why is he not liable for half of the debt?


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Shouldn't that debt be community property since it was used for the benefits of the marriage? Why is he not liable for half of the debt?


Hopefully he will be for half but in the meantime, he’s paid off his own credit cards and I’m left looking for a place to rent having to pay over 10000 just for someone to accept my application.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Whoaaaa! ten thousands. That's insane. What are people doing living in California. As beautiful as the scenery is, I wouldn't live there. Most of my family/relatives lives across the bay from SF, still I can do much better with all that money somewhere else in the US where I don't have to put up with the government insanities that goes around there.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Whoaaaa! ten thousands. That's insane. What are people doing living in California. As beautiful as the scenery is, I wouldn't live there. Most of my family/relatives lives across the bay from SF, still I can do much better with all that money somewhere else in the US where I don't have to put up with the government insanities that goes around there.


I agree Rob, I wish I could move to a cheaper state but now I’m stuck as he won’t move.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Who cares if he won't move?

Make your case to a judge and have your lawyer go for the jugular. Go after every last thing you can. He doesn't get to dictate the terms so you'd better get nasty.

His gf is getting a real prize. Sit back with the popcorn for that **** show.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you husband clearly has been sneaky in setting this all up, i suspect he had secret bank account that he has been stashing income into it over some time....might want your attoney to conduct forsenic on all accounts to see if he is hiding money, also i hope you have requested for cusody of your son, if your son is old enough the courts might allow him to decide as well. Also do you have to stay in Ca. or can you move out of stay with your son?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When someone is hiding money and refusing to get their financial documents to the attorneys in discovery, if there is a major asset, such as a home that's mostly paid off, they may give you most of that instead. Why? Because finding someone's hidden money is very time consuming and expensive and sometimes impossible. This happened with a friend of mine. He didn't produce anything. They only thing they had to go by was a joint return she had from a few years prior. So before the judge, the judge ruled since he wasn't forthcoming and that's all they had to go on, that is what they would go on as concerns custody payments (this was good because 2 years prior he had stopped working, but prior he had a good job with decent pay). Then in divorce settlement, she got 75% of the home. And don't know how much he had hidden. But it might have cost more to find out than it was worth.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When someone is hiding money and refusing to get their financial documents to the attorneys in discovery, if there is a major asset, such as a home that's mostly paid off, they may give you most of that instead. Why? Because finding someone's hidden money is very time consuming and expensive and sometimes impossible. This happened with a friend of mine. He didn't produce anything. They only thing they had to go by was a joint return she had from a few years prior. So before the judge, the judge ruled since he wasn't forthcoming and that's all they had to go on, that is what they would go on as concerns custody payments (this was good because 2 years prior he had stopped working, but prior he had a good job with decent pay). Then in divorce settlement, she got 75% of the home. And don't know how much he had hidden. But it might have cost more to find out than it was worth.


Our son is 6. As for custody, it’ll be very difficult to get more than 50%.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

I doubt that court will allow me to move.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lostinthelight said:


> Our son is 6. As for custody, it’ll be very difficult to get more than 50%.


Oh, sorry. I wasn't clear. 50/50, yes, will be the norm. I meant they based his child support payments on how much he made before he started hiding money and quit work. In the case I talked about, he owed her a lot of money because he should have moved out of the paid for house and not her and the child and he wasn't willing to see the child because he is a pouty man-child. She had to incur a lot of expense because of it, so she recouped that. 

Bottom line, you need your own family law attorney. By no means should you let him decide everything or use his.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lostinthelight said:


> I doubt that court will allow me to move.


If you share custody, the various states (you can google yours) keep you within a close range. If you're not in the States, you can still google it.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you share custody, the various states (you can google yours) keep you within a close range. If you're not in the States, you can still google it.


Thank you for your advice. Our home has little equity since it’s only been 3 yrs since we bought it. He’s going to recoup the down payment as it was a gift and is therefore a separate property. So what will be left, nothing for me. But I’m trying to keep my head up and just want to be done with him, and just be the best mother to my children (I have son from previous marriage. My ex was a nightmare also.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you for your advice. Our home has little equity since it’s only been 3 yrs since we bought it. He’s going to recoup the down payment as it was a gift and is therefore a separate property. So what will be left, nothing for me. But I’m trying to keep my head up and just want to be done with him, and just be the best mother to my children (I have son from previous marriage. My ex was a nightmare also.


You really need to get an attorney. No way do you get nothing here. You're just having an emotional reaction that you will later regret. Maybe not the home, but half of everything else.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you for your advice. Our home has little equity since it’s only been 3 yrs since we bought it. He’s going to recoup the down payment as it was a gift and is therefore a separate property. So what will be left, nothing for me. But I’m trying to keep my head up and just want to be done with him, and just be the best mother to my children (I have son from previous marriage. My ex was a nightmare also.


I’m in California.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Sorry that you’re going through such a bad time. It’s hard finding out that your spouse is not who you thought they were. 

As some others have posted, lean on family and friends even if they are not physically close. Face time, zoom or whatever. Take advantage of the great technology we have today to stay connected.

You keep saying your husband gets the down payment back because it was a gift. What kind of gift? If it was a wedding gift I would question your attorney about that again.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Lostinthelight. You need to research this more. It's my understandings that although gifts and inheritances are treated as separate from a marriage, the spouse cannot go after those assets, unless that gift and/or inheritance gets comingled with the marital assets. Once comingled with the marital assets, the courts will treat it as marital asset. In your case the gift money was commingle with the marital assets (house). So you need to find how this plays out in California. But I'm almost sure that in California inheritance and gifts that are commingled are treated as marital assets. So do not trust yet your lawyer about it. A consultation with an estate planner or attorney could give you better input than your family law attorney. I could be completely wrong for California, but it is so in many other states.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Sorry that you’re going through such a bad time. It’s hard finding out that your spouse is not who you thought they were.
> 
> As some others have posted, lean on family and friends even if they are not physically close. Face time, zoom or whatever. Take advantage of the great technology we have today to stay connected.
> 
> You keep saying your husband gets the down payment back because it was a gift. What kind of gift? If it was a wedding gift I would question your attorney about that again.


It was a gift for the sole purpose of buying our home. My attorney stated that he gets it back since it was a gift to him, only.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lostinthelight said:


> My attorney stated that he gets it back since it was a gift to him, only.


But it was commingled with the marital assets. make sure it is so.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@Lostinthelight, in just these few posts, I get the sense that you are a smart lady and are doing everything you should be doing. When the **** show is over, you're going to be just fine.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> @Lostinthelight, in just these few posts, I get the sense that you are a smart lady and are doing everything you should be doing. When the **** show is over, you're going to be just fine.


Thank you. I just am appalled at myself for thinking that this being would act with empathy or compassion when our entire marriage was devoid of those traits. I will do my best to protect my son, but I know how the court system works.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> But it was commingled with the marital assets. make sure it is so.


Rob, the attorney insisted that it’s his separate property even if he bought the house with it. He knew this, he has been planning everything. It’s hard not to be paranoid and pessimistic.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I am truly


Lostinthelight said:


> Rob, the attorney insisted that it’s his separate property even if he bought the house with it. He knew this, he has been planning everything. It’s hard not to be paranoid and pessimistic.


I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My ex also planned everything before he even filed. We didn't have kids, but I can definitely understand how you feel. 😞


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Works said:


> I am truly
> 
> I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My ex also planned everything before he even filed. We didn't have kids, but I can definitely understand how you feel. 😞


Thank you. And I’m sorry you went through that. It’s really unbelievable how callous another human can be, after sharing a life with you.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you. And I’m sorry you went through that. It’s really unbelievable how callous another human can be, after sharing a life with you.


That is exactly how I felt. Mine told me let's settle out of court, no lawyers (I couldn't afford one anyway and I was still out of town). I come back to the then "home" only to find a stack of papers on the coffee table and a receipt where he hired a lawyer the day before our 8th anniversary... I was also served in the same house. It was the same lawyer the girl he moved with hired for her divorce as well.

Don't stoop to his level, continue how you have been. Eventually, karma will come for them. If you get a lawyer, let them do everything and don't speak to him. By the grace of God someone felt bad enough for me during my ordeal and hired a lawyer so I could fight back.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Works said:


> That is exactly how I felt. Mine told me let's settle out of court, no lawyers (I couldn't afford one anyway and I was still out of town). I come back to the then "home" only to find a stack of papers on the coffee table and a receipt where he hired a lawyer the day before our 8th anniversary... I was also served in the same house. It was the same lawyer the girl he moved with hired for her divorce as well.
> 
> Don't stoop to his level, continue how you have been. Eventually, karma will come for them. If you get a lawyer, let them do everything and don't speak to him. By the grace of God someone felt bad enough for me during my ordeal and hired a lawyer so I could fight back.


I am so sorry but I’m glad you’re out. I have a lawyer and I hope I’ll be represented well.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sorry to hear about the gift money not being commingle property in California. I'm not an attorney, but I do follow the Money Market's The Moneyist Column, and normally the advice of commingling inheritance and gifts with the marriage assets are by default considered marital assets by the courts in many jurisdictions. I guess that California is not one of them or the type of gift is not.
Sorry again.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Sorry to hear about the gift money not being commingle property in California. I'm not an attorney, but I do follow the Money Market's The Moneyist Column, and normally the advice of commingling inheritance and gifts with the marriage assets are by default considered marital assets by the courts in many jurisdictions. I guess that California is not one of them or the type of gift is not.
> Sorry again.


Thank you Rob. That’s what I asked my attorney and she said because the gift letter was made on in his name then it’s considered separate property. I’ve read a lot about it and it’s mixed.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> It was a gift for the sole purpose of buying our home. My attorney stated that he gets it back since it was a gift to him, only.


Frenchpaddy, I appreciate your support and that of everyone. You’ve all made me feel less alone.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lostinthelight said:


> Frenchpaddy, I appreciate your support and that of everyone. You’ve all made me feel less alone.


Remember, you can be alone, but not feel lonely. That's key to your emotional well being. Keep strong and ahead.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Remember, you can be alone, but not feel lonely. That's key to your emotional well being. Keep strong and ahead.


Rob, I appreciate your kind words. I’m trying to keep my head high. Just hard to rid myself of the sadness and pain of what is happening, my children, my marriage and the man I loved.


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