# For once thinking about what I want



## FMS (Dec 20, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 8 & 1/2 years. We have been through ALOT! I dont really feel like going into all of the details but finally after me always wondering what was wrong with us(or me for that matter...cause its always me) I have realized that he has been "emotionally blackmailing" me. He has used manipulation to control me ever step of the way in every area of our relationship including sex. Obviously I realize how stupid I am to allow all of this to happen. So I have been doing alot of self help and setting boundaries for myself and from my perspective Im feeling better. For once Im not so focused on doing everything right and perfect for him or get yelled at. I dont care if I dont want sex anymore and he does...he can be mad and make me out to be the most horrible person in the world...I dont care. Im actually starting to think about what I want for a change rather than what he wants. I have been thinking about what I want out of life, what I want out of a relationship, and what I want for myself. Of course I love my husband but I dont think I want to be with him anymore. Since I have been working on myself and seeking self help (and a little bit of counseling before) he has somewhat tried to change...but actually Im beginning to realize that I dont really care if he changes or not anymore. Him changing is not really contingent for my happiness anymore. You see I have learned how to make myself happy on my own...enjoying life with myself and our children on my own. Now that I dont becken to his every need anymore it has given me a chance to remember what I like, want, need. To tell you the truth its kinda scary...I dont need him anymore for anything. He used to threaten me with money or saying I have no where to go because Im a SAHM but that doesnt scare me anymore. Im actually more scared of the fact that I dont need him for anything anymore because now I have to face why Im even still here....and I dont really know why. Sometimes I feel like I put on a mask when hes home to hide who I really am...he doesnt even know who I am...I hide everything from him about who I am because its always used against me later. Im scared of not being in love with him anymore...it really scares me to admit it...I love him as a person and as the father of our children...but I dont love him the way a wife is supposed to and Im not sure that I even want to...where do I go from here...I cant tell him all of this? I guess I dont really need to tell him though...I could get a job and start saving again and then just be gone one day...I dunno.


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## bigDMomma (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like you have a lot feelings and reasons for leaving. I hope you can find a way to build up your self esteem. Working would be a good start.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

I've been searching for the strength to do what I want, what my kids want, for once in my life. This could be me someday. Good for you!


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

That courage to leave is a tuff one. I have every right to leave my wife after her affair. I make a great living, I'm still in great physical shape, and could have a great time as a father and single man. But I still find myself scared to death to take that next step. I feel ya!


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