# New Husband Wants a Threesome



## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

My husband and I have only been married 8 months and he has asked me twice if I would be interested in bringing another woman in for a threesome. 

The first time I was so upset and he apologized so profusely I thought the issue was over with. 

We have a great relationship otherwise; we are best friends, great lovers and truly have fun together...

Then last weekend he brought it up again. I was extremely upset and again, he apologized, said it was more a fantasy thing than anything and that he would never say a word about it again, that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage. 

But the damage has been done and I'm praying and searching for a way to heal us and for me to put it behind me if he is truly sincere...

I just feel heartbroken. The thought that he wanted to bring some random woman in to our bed makes me sick, and I see it as cheating plain and simple. I have wondered more times than I care to admit if I should just file for divorce...

How do I get past this?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'd honestly consider divorce.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I honestly agree with FW. You don't get to bring this sort of thing in the context and then just say, yah honey it was just in the manner of a fantasy anyway. I would be seriously concerned that you married someone with significantly different values than you.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I agree with Faithful wife..... 8 months married and hes talking about bringing another woman in to your relationship... Not good, I would seriously be thinking if i still wanted to be married to him?....

Did he say anything before you married about this?.... 

I have to say if my new husband was taking about things like this i would be seriously worried about his faithfulness towards me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm glad it makes you sick (not glad for your pain though).

It makes me sick just hearing it, and I'm not even you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd honestly consider the threesome. But ask for MFM.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

write4me said:


> My husband and I have only been married 8 months and he has asked me twice if I would be interested in bringing another woman in for a threesome.
> 
> The first time I was so upset and he apologized so profusely I thought the issue was over with.
> 
> ...


It sounds like this has really hurt you...understandably so. It's a pretty dumb thing for him to bringing it up period as it disrespects both you and your marriage. 

It could be just a fantasy...It could be more. 

You mentioned prayer. If you regularly attend church- ask for a meeting with the pastor, priest, etc...have your husband come. See if the the pastor can help your husband understand the danger such an activity poses and hurt it's suggestion is causing you. 

I would bet...He won't bring it up again. He may be mad about the meeting...but he will then clearly understand the gravity of the issue.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> You are YOU. She is not you. Or you are being tongue in cheek which I am guessing this poster won't get.


I think MbH was being tongue in cheek there, but I wonder how H would respond to her accepting his offer but it must be MFM with a guy who is Bi. He might suddenly find the fantasy less appealing.

This must have been on his mind for a while and he clearly didn't mention it before they were married. 

If he'd said it the once then dropped it that would be one thing, but to bring it up again after she made it obvious that she wasn't interested is clearly different.

I'll agree with some previous responses that she needs to seriously reconsider this relationship.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If at no point during your courtship the subject of adding a third person to your impending marriage was brought up, and upon the first time he asked about it he saw your extreme reaction to it, then for him to bring it up again is complete disrespect.

I don't buy it that he just says it as a fantasy. He is just giving himself an out for having stated it.

I would seek an annulment for marital fraud.


Back away from this marriage, he wants it to go where you and most of us do not.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

write4me said:


> The thought that he wanted to bring some random woman in to our bed makes me sick, and I see it as cheating plain and simple.


What if it was a woman he knows, or someone you know. Would that be more acceptable? Because he just might have someone in mind.

Also it's not cheating if it's done with your full knowledge.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have a slightly different take on this. Being with two partners of the desired sex is a very common fantasy. He has decided to see if you are up for it. You said no. If he accepted that "no", then I don't really see a problem. If he keeps pestering you about it, that is completely different.

I think couples should be able to ask their partners for sexual things that they want, but should also cheerfully accept being turned down for those requests.


So, yes, I'd quite enjoy trying a 3-some with my wife and one of her female friends. I'm not going to ask, I know she wouldn't agree. I'm not at all unhappy that I can't do it, its just another unrealistic fantasy.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

It IS a common fantasy, and I'm no exception. I've brought it up with my girlfriend a few times, if she's had a few to drink she is open to the idea, when she sobers up she's back to "no way".

For those advocating divorce, I think that's a wee bit over the top.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sammiee said:


> It IS a common fantasy, and I'm no exception. I've brought it up with my girlfriend a few times, if she's had a few to drink she is open to the idea, when she sobers up she's back to "no way".
> 
> For those advocating divorce, I think that's a wee bit over the top.


Here is the issue though. He waited till after they were married to bring this up? If this was a need he had that should have been disclosed prior to marriage. Because now it seems he is going to hound her about this like a child. She didn't sign up for that. And he took away her ability to make a decision about marrying him knowing he wanted this.

I have no issue with him asking. But she said no. That's his bad then for not bringing it up before. I think the Op should tell him if you ask for this again I'm filing for divorce and be done with him.


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## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

Thank you all for your responses. You have helped a lot. I'm still in turmoil, but at least I don't feel alone. To answer your questions, no we never spoke of it before major, and we went in to the marriage with what I thought was a mutual understanding of one man, one woman and that's it... He has apologized more times than I care to count and says that he never had anyone in mind, had never did the act before and was an idiot for bringing it up... I guess what hurts the most is that in my mind he was willing to sleep with another woman if I was alright with it! I'm sorry, but even as I try my best to be fair minded about this, I think this type of sexual conduct in a marriage just spells disaster for all involved.

I wish I could shake it off. Married Guy had some good points about being able to ask and if it's no, then that's that...I really wish it were that simple for my heart....


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

write4me said:


> My husband and I have only been married 8 months and he has asked me twice if I would be interested in bringing another woman in for a threesome.
> 
> The first time I was so upset and he apologized so profusely I thought the issue was over with.
> 
> ...


Dont be so sure that he was thinking of just some random woman.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

All us guys are sexual deviants, and we need our wives to ground us in a nurturing way here and there. 

It is OK to let your husband "talk" about these things, but you just have to find a clever way to let him know to be very careful what he wishes for! 

Be playful and tell him you might be very curious about him being with two women, but in order to try it out you'll need him to role-play with an inflatable 3rd party first. Purchase two inflatable girls for him demonstrate everything while you sit back and watch him make an idiot of himself!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

badsanta said:


> All us guys are sexual deviants, and we need our wives to ground us in a nurturing way here and there.
> 
> It is OK to let your husband "talk" about these things, but you just have to find a clever way to let him know to be very careful what he wishes for!
> 
> Be playful and tell him you might be very curious about him being with two women, but in order to try it out you'll need him to role-play with an inflatable 3rd party first. Purchase two inflatable girls for him demonstrate everything while you sit back and watch him make an idiot of himself!


That is kind of funny.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Suggest a MMF threesome. Bet that will stop him cold.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its a really really common fantasy. Seriously, I suggest that you tell him that you are sorry you got mad, and you hope he will continue to tell you his fantasies (much better than keeping them secret don't you think?). But, also tell him that you are not interested in anything that involves other people. 




write4me said:


> Thank you all for your responses. You have helped a lot. I'm still in turmoil, but at least I don't feel alone. To answer your questions, no we never spoke of it before major, and we went in to the marriage with what I thought was a mutual understanding of one man, one woman and that's it... He has apologized more times than I care to count and says that he never had anyone in mind, had never did the act before and was an idiot for bringing it up... I guess what hurts the most is that in my mind he was willing to sleep with another woman if I was alright with it! I'm sorry, but even as I try my best to be fair minded about this, I think this type of sexual conduct in a marriage just spells disaster for all involved.
> 
> I wish I could shake it off. Married Guy had some good points about being able to ask and if it's no, then that's that...I really wish it were that simple for my heart....


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

I can see maybe the first time him expressing his fantasy to you(which is what couples should do in a marriage, communicate). Once he saw how much it upset you, he should have dropped it.....for good. The fact that he brought it up a second time makes him look like a creep!


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## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

Faithful Wife, you actually made me laugh out loud with the pic you posted "Tell Me To Calm Down One More Time" ... I seriously needed that laugh. 

He tells me he didn't mean it seriously, that it was word vomit and I took it wrong. I might believe that if he hadn't said it a second time. 

But the second time deal has been hashed over by us a dozen times, now (or at least it feels that way)

Now he wants to know what he can do to make it better? He swears he wants no one but me, that he will do anything he can to prove himself to me....and I'm just...tired and sad...and wishing I could rewind to a point before he opened his mouth the first time.

Thing is, if it weren't for this major speed bump, I'd consider him the best man I've ever met besides my dad ; 99 percent of the time he treats me with the utmost respect; never makes an important decision without me, turned all the financial accounts over to me to do with our money how I see fit, always asks my opinion, opens doors, pulls out chairs, puts up with my crazy family (think Italian/Jewish combo) lol

I truly love him...but this is our second marriage, our children are grown (both sides) and if I've learned anything along the way going through the crazy dating scene nowadays, it's that games and lies are a waste of my time and life is too short to put up with it. So what do I do now?

I won't hide the fact that what he said wounded me, nor will I apologize for saying so. I do believe in prayer, and in forgiveness. I'm not above saying stupid things or making mistakes...I just hope and pray he really means what he says and isn't telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

If he is being honest, we can get through this.

In spite of being divorced before, I believe in marriage, of loving someone completely and growing old with them. He says he does, too. I do wish I had a magic wand to erase the pain because it's still there. 

Is it a time issue? Does a blow like this soften over time? Has anyone dealt with this before?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OK straight up girl to girl talk...he probably did mean it and probably did hope you would say yes. So IMO, the BEST way for you to actually get over this is by truly accepting that yes, he did say it and he did mean it. Do this on your own, in your own way and in your own time. Stop talking to him about it at all at this point and just know, yep, he said it and he meant it.

Then...take your time and get your head around it, but also get your head around understanding it doesn't actually diminish or change anything else in your relationship in and of itself (if it is a given that he will never bring it up again or ever actually want to do it).

Again take your time...take your time...take your time. Eventually, you will be ok. You will know he meant it BUT you will come to realize it was "just" a sexual thing and that it is not so important to him that he would want to lose you over it. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that because you have said he has really been trying to "take it back".

Another thing...you should do a few things for yourself that you don't include him on...get your mind back into yourself and your life and let go of all of the stuff that is tied up around this subject. Focus on you and realize that your happiness is 100% on your shoulders, not his. This is true for everyone.

If you can do this for a few months, eventually you will probably be ok with it and it won't hurt eventually.

Years from now you may even be able to joke with him about it.

He may one day even tell you "wow, I can't believe I was EVER foolish enough to say that or ever think it". Just hold out for that day though, don't bring it up anymore. Let him come to that conclusion on his own.


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## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

Thank you for the sage advice, Faithful Wife! I might just get some sleep tonight--enough so that I can finish putting my office together and get back on my deadline for work  One day at a time...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I'd honestly consider the threesome. But ask for MFM.


The danger in that is that he might go for it, and as soon as it's over tell her it's "his turn" and now she "owes him."


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## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

I appreciate the different responses. Sincerely. My main reason for coming to this site and posting what is a very private matter is that I wanted to hear from more than ME.

I am not making him walk on egg shells, nor do I expect him to do something to prove himself. I think only time will tell.

I also think women understand the question and their response for the most part is warranted. When I gently asked him to put himself in my shoes and tell me how he would feel if I suggested a man he was silent, then eventually said "horrible". 

He might be telling me what I want to hear at this point. 

Or he might not be...but I'm not going to punish him. 

BTW, I'm far from needy. I just know what I will and will not except. I was very honest about my feelings before we were married on these issues. 

I reached out for others to shed light on how to survive the hurt, and to listen to both male and female perspectives.

I DO hope our marriage weathers this storm. I'm really hoping and praying it does... and last time I checked, hope and prayer were pretty positive things to bring into a marriage.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

I sincerely believe your approach is level-headed, loving, fair-minded. 

I congratulate and admire you for it. 

You appear to be on the right track completely. 

All the best with it. :smthumbup:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

write4me said:


> I appreciate the different responses. Sincerely. My main reason for coming to this site and posting what is a very private matter is that I wanted to hear from more than ME.
> 
> I am not making him walk on egg shells, nor do I expect him to do something to prove himself. I think only time will tell.
> 
> ...


You say he is a good man so you might call this just a mistake on his part. I think this should have been discussed before marriage but since it wasn't I don't fault the guy for asking once but twice is ridiculous especially after seeing your reaction the first time. I think this just needs a hard boundry. You move past it but tell him this is never going to happen..... bring it up again and I'm done. 

Hopefully you both can put it past and move forward. My suspicion is though this won't be the last time you hear of this. Hope I'm wrong


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## write4me (Apr 15, 2015)

I hope you're wrong, too Wolf1974!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening faithful wife
I think that communication is important in marriage. He didn't go an break his vows, he asked for something sexual. I see no harm in that. By reacting with anger he will no longer feel free to tell her what he wants in the future - communication is decreased.

Look at how many marriage are unhappy at least partially because people can't talk about sex. 

From my point of view, my wife can ask for anything. That doesn't mean that I need to say "yes", but if I react with anger I will stop learning what it is that she wants.

There was a poster in another thread who's husband had bi fantasies. After a bit of discussion it looks like she can satisfy them just by using a strap on - something she is happy to do. If that works out in the end, communication will have turned a potentially serious marriage problem, into a bit of fun (for both) kinky sex. 

So I'm afraid that I am going to stick with my advice. 




Faithful Wife said:


> This is horrible advice. Why should she be sorry she got mad? Just as much as he has a right to bring it up, she has a right to feel exactly how she feels about it and tell him so.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Sammiee said:


> It IS a common fantasy, and I'm no exception. I've brought it up with my girlfriend a few times, if she's had a few to drink she is open to the idea, when she sobers up she's back to "no way".
> 
> For those advocating divorce, I think that's a wee bit over the top.


Is it? Might not be over the top all depends really what his intentions really are, I mean they have only just got over the honeymoon period and hes talking other women already.... After shes already told him shes not interested... I mean can he not take the hint..

Yes its a common fantasy, but that is exactly where it should stay if one of them is not interested in sharing.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

write4me said:


> I appreciate the different responses. Sincerely. My main reason for coming to this site and posting what is a very private matter is that I wanted to hear from more than ME.
> 
> I am not making him walk on egg shells, nor do I expect him to do something to prove himself. I think only time will tell.
> 
> ...


I do not think you sound needy at all.... From the sounds of things you love your husband very much, but it hurt when he said what he said to you.... Not ONCE, but TWICE.... I was probably a little harsh when i said you should divorce.

I cant see you have done anything wrong, Like you said you spoke about these things before you married this man, and he took his vows knowing how you felt, you were very honest with him... 

Like you said how did he say he would feel if you brought up involving another man? He said horrible.

Just for the record i think faithful wife's advice was very good.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he didn't break his vows, but he suggested breaking his vows.

marriage implicitly dictates union between man and wife only, unless otherwise understood and agreed upon.

I see not much difference between what he asked and if he had asked "honey can i have something on the side?" that's not breaking vows either, but asking if you can.

a couple of other points is that it is a bit more shocking to suggest this after only 8 months of marriage. he he really that bored after only 8 months? and then to ask twice? he needs to learn more about his wife and read her inward character, hopes, dreams and personality before venturing into this type of fantasy.

on the other hand, we've probably beat up on this guy enough already. he is human after all. IMHO he made a real dumb mistake twice, but he doesn't deserve endless scorn either. hopefully he learned his lesson. only time will tell. it is worrisome though that he's even thinking about it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> When my wife and I were young and dating - maybe even married at the time - we talked about it too. Someone specific from my office. It came up several times and was a pretty hot sex talking about it. I was very surprised she played along... Never did anything about it though and I don't regret it.
> 
> I can tell you I thought it would be hot for me and my wife because she was very pretty, had a nice smile, was sexy etc. never once - never - did the 3rd woman compare in my mind to my wife. Sorry to say but it was more in the context of her being a sex toy for us.
> 
> ...


If someone asks me a question, I'm going to answer it. I'm not going to try and figure out all the different meanings behind question. I can't read minds.

If he wants the subject of a threesome to be part of some kind of dirty talk then why doesn't he just say that? He's had two chances but he didn't, he's taking it back. Also, it doesn't sound like he brought it during sexy time which would kind of make sense if he wanted it to be about dirty talk.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Long time lurker here on the forums, I just wanted to point out that exchanges like these and comments like those from Faithful Wife are the reason I do not think this place is helpful in the least and why after a year of lurking I have never reached out to you people for advice.

Where are the people asking for clarifying questions? 

What is intimacy like in the relationship? What kinds of conversations did you two have about sex, discussions of how to deal with fantasies, etc? Are you both satisfied with the state of your intimacy level and what you do?

Did you ever advance the notion that if he had fantasies he should reach out to you about them?

How did you react to his initial question? I mean, in detail. Did you express that you considered this tantamount to cheating or did you just have an emotional breakdown and panic him?

To me it sounds like your husband has some issues with his state of intimacy, something about a fantasy-reality disconnect, and that he did not prioritize your feelings at all.

But, you need to express more than that what he said was hurtful, but _why_.

Assuming he understands when it is not clear that he did is basically a demonstration that you guys may have some communication issues.

Personally, I have the same views on sexual intimacy in reference to a threesome that you do and I would be hurt if my wife brought it up as well.

But I would also realize that if she did ask this…we have never had that discussion.

I always have (and still do) assume that she shares these views with me.

But sometimes we make these assumptions as an excuse not to have these conversations.

I know I do.

My main advice:
1) Talk to him about _why_ his suggestion was hurtful
2) Do so with as little emotion as you can manage
3) Figure out what it was that motivated him.
4) Be honest with each other and figure out how to work around it.
5) Set clear boundaries _and_ lines of communication on these kinds of things.

Sorry for the long post.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For the record, I have had threesomes and other such adventures...if anyone thinks my advice comes from lofty prudishness, you're way off base.

Write4me...keep posting please, and sorry for the thread jack.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry if I missed this answer some where... Did your H want to watch you with another woman or did he want two women attending to him and interacting with both of you?

I think the desire to see two women going at it is pretty normal and very common. Nothing worth getting hurt over.

I also think it's pretty damn common for men to fantasize about two women attending to him. Again, not really worth getting hurt over it just shows a strong desire to be pampered like some Arabian sheik.

However, if he wanted to interact with and have sex with both you and this other woman, IMO, that's a clear line most people wouldn't step over.

Do you know which of those scenarios he was seeking?


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Small background; wife and I have had intimacy issues over the course of our marriage.

I once asked about possible fantasies as a means to fix it.

She thought about it for a few days and came back with something….which I immediately shot down as I felt offended at the suggestion.

Amazingly enough after an abrupt and unexplained rejection filled with some clear emotions from me she has never shared another fantasy since and it took a lot of work to get to a point of basic communication again.

I think you want to avoid that.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Icey181 said:


> Long time lurker here on the forums, I just wanted to point out that exchanges like these and comments like those from Faithful Wife are the reason I do not think this place is helpful in the least and why after a year of lurking I have never reached out to you people for advice.
> 
> Where are the people asking for clarifying questions?
> 
> ...


And, that's EXACTLY why we need YOU to post.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Icey181 said:


> Small background; wife and I have had intimacy issues over the course of our marriage.
> 
> I once asked about possible fantasies as a means to fix it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening anon pink
This shows just how differently people view sex (which is fine). 

To me, having two women "attend" me (assuming you mean sexually), would seem very much the same as having sex with 2 women.

To me the line is whether there is any sexual interaction with the other woman, not the type of that interaction.

I'm not saying that you are in any way wrong - just that different people may have very different "lines". 



Anon Pink said:


> Sorry if I missed this answer some where... Did your H want to watch you with another woman or did he want two women attending to him and interacting with both of you?
> 
> I think the desire to see two women going at it is pretty normal and very common. Nothing worth getting hurt over.
> 
> ...


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

If we are going to get off-topic, I am going to add my 2 cents.

I think what is hurtful to a lot of women is the _perception_ that while a guy might feel it is appropriate for him to ask his SO for a FMF threesome, he would be disgusted and shocked if his SO asked for a MMF threesome. It seems like he is not understanding our sexuality and that we might not like having other women's bodies near us, and that he isn't understanding that women get jealous too, such as he would get jealous to see another man with us.

I am not talking about couples who have had open conversations about what they would like to explore or who do enjoy threesomes. I definitely think women can enjoy threesomes as well. I am talking about a situation in which a man just asks a woman point blank. From his perspective it is just a fantasy. To us women, it is crossing emotional boundaries. 

I believe the men who say that women are not understanding that it is just a fantasy. But I think they need to go inside of our heads and see that it has crossed emotional boundaries and that approaching it point blank like that without any prior discussion about boundaries and experimentation in general can be like a nuke to us.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening anon pink
> This shows just how differently people view sex (which is fine).
> 
> To me, having two women "attend" me (assuming you mean sexually), would seem very much the same as having sex with 2 women.
> ...


I just responded to this in my own post, but I want to get your opinion. I agree that people have very different lines. That's cool. I think though that men have to see first where the line is with their SO through conversations that do not directly talk about threesomes as they might inadvertently cross an emotional and intimate line when they think they are just talking about their desire.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

melw74 said:


> Has anyone noticed how its all the men on this thread that seem to not have a problem with this threesome thing..... Strange that



Having a threesome no. How he went about it defintely. It sounds possible that this is a husband version of a bait and switch which is my concern. He presented himself one way then, AFTER marriage, asked not once but twice for a threesome?

Only time will tell if this comes up again or if he just had a brain fart and made a mistake.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Icey181 said:


> She thought about it for a few days and came back with something….which I immediately shot down as I felt offended at the suggestion.
> 
> Amazingly enough after an abrupt and unexplained rejection filled with some clear emotions from me she has never shared another fantasy since and it took a lot of work to get to a point of basic communication again.
> 
> I think you want to avoid that.


I tend to agree with icy181. When your spouse suggests something that you may not agree with its always better to rather discuss it. The danger with just shutting him down and being upset is that you have not dealt with the issue. 

Nowadays any kind of sex is freely available to anyone who is searching. So just because he doesn't bring it up with you again does not mean he can't go search it some where else. But if you two actually discuss the issue together openly then you can see where he is coming from, and he can understand how you feel about the threesome. 

The problem with things like morals is that they are subjective. Probably an ex-girlfriend he was involved with, before he met and married you, was into that sort of thing.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Ntsikzo said:


> *I tend to agree with icy181. When your spouse suggests something that you may not agree with its always better to rather discuss it. *The danger with just shutting him down and being upset is that you have not dealt with the issue.
> 
> Nowadays any kind of sex is freely available to anyone who is searching. So just because he doesn't bring it up with you again does not mean he can't go search it some where else. But if you two actually discuss the issue together openly then you can see where he is coming from, and he can understand how you feel about the threesome.
> 
> The problem with things like morals is that they are subjective. Probably an ex-girlfriend he was involved with, before he met and married you, was into that sort of thing.


On the flip side, when something you have said to your spouse has caused them to experience hurt, its always better to discuss why she was hurt and shut down instead of bringing it up again and hoping her reaction is different.

I am not saying that to be aggressive. I am saying that this is also his responsibility too. It is not just her responsibility to be open to him. She is here, so best to give her the information, but there was a problem on his part. The problem was not him telling her what he wanted, but the way he went about it and then bringing it up again afterwards.

Also, just because sex is freely available elsewhere does not mean that her refusing to have a threesome means that he is free to go look for that elsewhere. Though I don't think you intended it to come off that way, the way you framed her refusal and the ability for him to get sex elsewhere comes off as a threat that if she does not comply, he will satisfy himself elsewhere. It is his responsibility to uphold his vows and come up with solutions with her in their sex life if he cannot get everything he wants.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

write4me,
Just because a man asks his wife if she wants a threesome does not necessarily mean he has the balls to actually do it. I don't know that I have directly asked my wife for a threesome. However, I do remember her talking negatively about a married woman she saw on tv that was very sexually promiscuous. I responded with "is this your way of asking for a threesome?" Not that I was seriously interested in doing it, it's just sometimes fun to delve into the forbidden. Just talking about it and indulging a mental fantasy does not "necessarily" lead to actually doing said act. IMO

It could just be a fun and dirty thing for your husband to talk about, with you. 

BTW: I may talk a good game, but when it came down to brass tacks, I would be scared sh$tless.

Just my 2 cents.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> If we are going to get off-topic, I am going to add my 2 cents.
> 
> I think what is hurtful to a lot of women is the _perception_ that while a guy might feel it is appropriate for him to ask his SO for a FMF threesome, he would be disgusted and shocked if his SO asked for a MMF threesome. It seems like he is not understanding our sexuality and that we might not like having other women's bodies near us, and that he isn't understanding that women get jealous too, such as he would get jealous to see another man with us.
> 
> ...


you are exactly right.

OP already put that question to him (earlier post) what if MMF and hew said "horrible!".

double standard at work here.

On the other hand, several posters are trying to make us aware
(rightfully so) that just freaking out and shutting out your spouse is bad too. We have to keep the line of communication open each way, no matter how repulsive the suggestion. what if for example the husband fantasized about it, thought about it, ruminated, and finally sought it outside of marriage, fearing wife's reaction? better to discuss no matter how repulsive.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> you are exactly right.
> 
> OP already put that question to him (earlier post) what if MMF and hew said "horrible!".
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you too!

I emphasized what I did to try to give the female perspective on this and why we women seem to freak out about it in general. I will reverse the genders because I want men to see that a lot of our gut reactions to these requests are similar and to think about how it affects how we think he looks at us.

A woman can fantasize about pegging her husband or having him have sex with another man. I think just coming straight out and saying I want you to do this, without a gentle discussion exploring each others boundaries in an open way could be met with much of the same reaction by men of feelings of it being gross and that she is thinking about other men. He may feel that she is thinking about other bigger ****s, or that she is emasculating him and his heterosexual orientation by wanting him to participate in homosexual activities. She can just say "Its just a fantasy!" But it doesn't address his concerns.

All of those immediate gut reactions need to be met in a gentle and open discussion. That doesn't mean gently manipulating him into agreeing to it, but seeing that this is a drive by her, and she wants to know where her husband stands on it and if they would ever want to do it. She can address every concern of her husbands "No I am not thinking of another man, I love your ****, I do not see you as emasculated" and so on and so forth.

I totally agree that freaking out and shutting up is not the best way to handle it. I don't think the OP is going to do this either. She was upset at first, but I think after talking to everyone around here she feels much more emotionally capable of handling the situation and will most likely take everyone's advice to discuss this with him openly. Hopefully, he will see that he needs to gain some communication skills. I hope it is not that he is going to push and not be concerned about her. I cannot know that unless the OP tells us, so I will go with my hopeful assessment instead.

Now we are just talking about general rules. I agree it has to be on both sides, and I wanted to clarify a woman's, in general, thought process about such requests by turning the genders around.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> Also, just because sex is freely available elsewhere does not mean that her refusing to have a threesome means that he is free to go look for that elsewhere. Though I don't think you intended it to come off that way, the way you framed her refusal and the ability for him to get sex elsewhere comes off as a threat that if she does not comply, he will satisfy himself elsewhere. It is his responsibility to uphold his vows and come up with solutions with her in their sex life if he cannot get everything he wants.


I'm glad you see where I was going MCG. I would not advocate for someone to break their vows at all. 

I just feel that if one partner is afraid to speak openly with the other because of how one might react, in future H might be not share with OP his thought and feelings. This creates a fertile breeding ground for secrets and mistrust. 

Again I am not condoning H's actions but OP's reaction is why the adult entertainment industry (prostitution) continues to thrive. You may find that the Hubby was merely looking to spice up things and a threesome was all he could think of. But had they sat down and had a discussion they might have come up with some other exciting things to do without involving a third person.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Lila said:


> FWIW, seems to me like OP overreacted to her husband's initial request for a threesome but she did make her hard limit known. He, in turn, disrespected her by ignoring her 'NO' and posing the same request a second time.
> 
> Look, there is nothing wrong with sharing one's fantasies with a spouse. Fantasy sharing is an integral part to a healthy sexual relationship. However, it is wrong to expect a spouse to indulge in one's fantasies simply because they divulged. *An individual's sexual hard limits should be respected at all cost even if it means never being able to act on those fantasies.*




Well I almost hate to do this but here I go.

When I tell my LD wife that one of my fantasies is to have her passionately attack me when I come home from work someday and make mad passionate love on the floor of the living room.

Her response is no way not going to happen! Does that mean I should never share that again. 

Or another is to receive a long passionate loving BJ instead of a 30 second tease, get the same reply, should I never share that one again either.

What about the people who have fantasies of having sex other than once a month missionary?

As to the OP issue. If you were sharing fantasies and he said he was fantasizing about a threesome, then he was just trained to never share a fantasy. On the other hand, if he just flat out asked for one with out ever bothering to find out your feelings on it first then you are completely justified in your response and the second request was insulting.

I can't even count how many times people have been advised here to never discourage their partners from sharing fantasies. It was both male and females advising both male and female posters.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You know, if he wants a threesome he wants a threesome. He was honest and forthcoming with his desires. It isn't likely to go away. If you don't want someone who wants a threesome, that's up to you. It's kinda bs to give the guy flak for expressing his desires.

Honestly, I'd say you two shouldn't even be married if you're this far apart on sexual values. It's like being married to someone you don't know. How do you even get that far without establishing such boundaries?


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

One of our rules 
Never let anyone interfere in your marriage.

Now for a funny but true story.
Knew a guy. He talked his wife into a 3 some. About 6 months after it she ran off with the other woman!

I promise this is a true story.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE said:


> One of our rules
> Never let anyone interfere in your marriage.
> 
> Now for a funny but true story.
> ...


I knew of someone who talked his wife into an open marriage. Except that naturally as a woman she had an easier time finding sex than him, but he only saw the opportunity to bang other women. 

Once he realized she was getting more than him he wanted to close it up again but she was no longer interested in him. They split up.

Just one of a number of reasons it's not a good idea to bring others into the marriage. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I don't know if people know but there is a difference between threesome abbreviations. I am sure most of you do.

MFM, males don't interact
MMF, males do interact
FMF, females don't interact
FFM, females do interact

I have seen it mixed up in usage here.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I haven't read through the entire thread yet so I may have missed it, but did he ask this while you were being intimate? H and I say all kinds of weird stuff during that time. It's like role playing. Adding extra people is very common in our dirty talk. Pretty sure having two girls and/or watching two girls is some sort of universal guy thing. Over the years I have suggested using some of my toys in his butt...he has not budged in his refusal, not even during that time. But it's chalked up to dirty talk.

Now, if he's asking you this during normal conversation at the dinner table or riding in the car, even after he's been rejected...well, that's really inappropriate. If it continues that way, I'd almost consider it bullying.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well mens' sexual wants and needs are in their own protected class, especially after they get married.
> 
> I wonder how my husband would take it if I told him that my fantasy was to have another man do me. I should be able to share my fantasies right? Or is it only mens' fantasies that are protected? Maybe after he says no I'll keep asking, cause I'm entitled to push my fantasies right?


I didn't phrase it this way, but the threesome without any beforehand discussion and the questioning after is what this really comes off as, especially when the man does not want to hear anything about him doing the opposite and being with a man.

I don't think all men or even most are, but there has been a recurrent thing that I have heard from multiple men the same idea, so I think it is an idea that circulates around, particularly with younger men, and it unfortunately has really bad implications to their girlfriends/fiances/wives that they proposition this too.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He is sharing something that breaks the marriage vows if the OP believes in the "normal" marriage. Sure there are some out there that don't appreciate the vows they took "forsaking all others". Yep I am a die hard fan of a traditional marriage, and within that marriage you must make sure you please your spouse, without help from another. I hope the OP can come to terms with what her husband has requested twice. If it was me I would say there is the door now you can try and find "2" women to fulfill your fantasy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

norajane said:


> If any women believe that men link emotions and sex, it's because, as we are told on TAM, once a man is in a married relationship, he NEEDS sex to express his love and to feel loved and nothing else will do. Before coming to TAM, I was of the belief that men want sex because it feels good, and are MORE than capable of separating sex and love. But TAM has taught me otherwise.


And then we get threads like this were the men are saying.. not, men just like sex because it feels good.... :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icey181 said:


> Long time lurker here on the forums, I just wanted to point out that exchanges like these and comments like those from Faithful Wife are the reason I do not think this place is helpful in the least and why after a year of lurking I have never reached out to you people for advice.
> 
> Where are the people asking for clarifying questions?
> 
> ...


I'm so glad that you have joined TAM. 

Please take a look at this thread and give the husband on that thread the same sage advice that you have given here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/256866-sex-novelty-love-not-combined-3.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ntsikzo said:


> I'm glad you see where I was going MCG. I would not advocate for someone to break their vows at all.
> 
> I just feel that if one partner is afraid to speak openly with the other because of how one might react, in future H might be not share with OP his thought and feelings. This creates a fertile breeding ground for secrets and mistrust.
> 
> Again I am not condoning H's actions but OP's reaction is why the adult entertainment industry (prostitution) continues to thrive. You may find that the Hubby was merely looking to spice up things and a threesome was all he could think of. But had they sat down and had a discussion they might have come up with some other exciting things to do without involving a third person.


Or a husband could be more sensitive and more direct on what you wants.

As MCG said, if a woman asks her husband out of the blue for a MFM, most men would not take it well at all... for the very same reason that the OP was hurt and taken back.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't see this as a male / female thing. I think many of the responses would have been the same with the genders reversed - my responses would have been.

There are different sub-cultures on TAM. I stay off of the infidelity board because my opinions are so different. I believe in trust, but the pervasive feeling there is to always track an monitor. They tend to suggest the same for men and women.

I don't think it does any good to try to get "average" male or "average" female responses, there is too much variation within each group. You can only look at individual responses. 

for me:
Cheating = bad
discussing fantasies and sexual desires = good
sexual variety = good
sexual coercion in any form = very bad .

doesn't depend on the genders involved. 




lifeistooshort said:


> Well mens' sexual wants and needs are in their own protected class, especially after they get married.
> 
> I wonder how my husband would take it if I told him that my fantasy was to have another man do me. I should be able to share my fantasies right? Or is it only mens' fantasies that are protected? Maybe after he says no I'll keep asking, cause I'm entitled to push my fantasies right?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I have told my wife of 23 years, more than once, "if you think you can find someone that can f$uck you better than me, go for it."
That does NOT mean I want her to go out and find someone else. What it does mean is that I am confident in myself and feel that I am giving her something that no one else can. If that stops being the case, she is free to leave.

If she genuinely asked me for a threesome,(with another man) I would NOT agree to it. However, I would be intrigued and feel that perhaps I am not giving her what she needs/wants. I would not be offended and upset. I would try to meet her needs myself and try to understand why she is interested in a threesome. Maybe it's just some kinky thing to talk about, maybe it's something deeper. Again, if what I have to offer is simply not what she needs, she is free to go.
Getting upset would solve nothing.

In fact, I think it would be something fun to talk about.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is something that is different to speculate about than it is to actually experience.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

I can't believe how many people are telling this poor girl to leave him just because of expressing a threesome fantasy.

If every woman left every guy who had a threesome fantasy there would be a lot of single people out there.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Lila said:


> FWIW, seems to me like OP overreacted to her husband's initial request for a threesome but she did make her hard limit known. He, in turn, disrespected her by ignoring her 'NO' and posing the same request a second time.
> 
> Look, there is nothing wrong with sharing one's fantasies with a spouse. Fantasy sharing is an integral part to a healthy sexual relationship. However, it is wrong to expect a spouse to indulge in one's fantasies simply because they divulged. An individual's sexual hard limits should be respected at all cost even if it means never being able to act on those fantasies.


My reaction as well.

Blaming your husband for having this type of fantasy is unfair. We can't really control what turns us on. This is a TOTALLY normal thing for men to fantasize about.

Blaming your husband for continuing to pester you about it after you have made it clear you're not interested is FINE. He should know when to drop it. 

The questions I would have for you are:

1. Are you sure you made it clear it was a definite "no"? Consider that maybe it was clear to YOU but your husband wasn't sure. Women often expect that men will be able to read their minds. If it is something that gets him really excited and you gave even the SLIGHTEST hint that maybe, somehow it could be possible, like many men, he is going to try to drive a bus through that crack in the wall. Just think about it.

2. If it's totally and completely clear that you would never do this and never even engage in the FANTASY with him (e.g., dirty talk about it) and he is still bugging you about it, how can you communicate to him that you are losing respect for him and losing attraction because he will not let this one thing go?


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Best I can tell, those talks amounted to little more than the husband falling all over himself to apologize for making her feel bad, declare it was just a fantasy, and try to smooth over the problem.

That is not a talk about what is going on.

That is a man begging for forgiveness.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thread cleaned up. Please keep comments directed towards the OP. Let's not have another bloodletting. Thanks.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Would like opinions on authenticity of reactions vs openness of desire here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...onses-authenticity-openness.html#post12406986


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I'm so glad that you have joined TAM.
> 
> Please take a look at this thread and give the husband on that thread the same sage advice that you have given here.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/256866-sex-novelty-love-not-combined-3.html


Finally saw the link, was not showing up for some reason.

Actually, that thread is probably a good one to look at for reference for this issue.

It looks like the husband has had a number of detailed conversations with his wife and figured out the reasoning behind the request:
1) This was not a "spice-up-our-bedroom" discussion, it was an honest life-style change request.

2) She laid out her reasoning to his questions, to the point that he feels like he can actually explain pretty well what she thinks and why. ****

***This is what I think OP needs to get, as soon as she can.

To me it looks like the husband from the other thread is now in the process of defining a boundary given this situation.

If it was me, with that information in hand, I know that I would shoot the suggestion down immediately and likely start a process of determining if I could stay in a relationship with someone who thought that way.

Not likely for me.

For the OP here, I think you need to get to the point where you know _why_.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icey181 said:


> Finally saw the link, was not showing up for some reason.
> 
> Actually, that thread is probably a good one to look at for reference for this issue.
> 
> ...


Yes what it is a life style change.

I also think that what the Write4Me's husband asked her is asking for a life style change: "He has asked me twice if I would be interested in bringing another woman in for a threesome."

He did not present it as a fantasy. He asked her to if she would do it. 

Now he might have meant it as a fantasy. She needs to find that out as many have suggested to her.

I'd be interested in knowing what she finds out.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> I don't know when "threesomes" became this run-of-the-mill, middle-class thing; edging into cultural acceptance.
> 
> The definition of marriage is changing in our time; that is true.
> 
> ...


I so love this post. Perfectly explains how most women feel in this situation.

I get that it's a common fantasy. But it's also totally absurd to act as if it's a surprise that that question turned out to be hurtful to a partner.

I also notice that men who watch porn now have increasingly adolescent ideas re women and sex. 

If I marry my bf who I'm madly in love with, and 8 freaking months later he's trying to bring another woman, 'sex toy' for 'us' or not, into our sexual relationship it would absolutely crush me.

He may as well say, "I'm getting a little bored with just you." I would seriously need to consider whether I wanted to continue the relationship.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Also, I don't see that this particular 'fantasy' can be compared to other one-on-one marital fantasies (so we're buying that he brought it up - twice - just to 'talk about it' but doesn't actually want to do it?) Okay.

Isn't it obvious that there is a HUGE difference between asking your wife to attack you in the living room when you get home and asking her to bring some other woman you can screw into the relationship?

I also think there is a difference between an H bringing that up a decade into a marriage and bringing it up 4 months short of a year in.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening faithful wife
> I think that communication is important in marriage. He didn't go an break his vows, he asked for something sexual. I see no harm in that. By reacting with anger he will no longer feel free to tell her what he wants in the future - communication is decreased.
> 
> Look at how many marriage are unhappy at least partially because people can't talk about sex.
> ...


communication...is the key as richardsharp stated above..
in this day and age there are plenty of other ways to fullfill ones fantasies without actually adding anyone to your sex life..
sometimes fantasies should stay right where they belong ..AS FANTASIES... 
stay strong my friend and if you do not want to add anyone make it perfectly clear where you draw the line.. what you will and will not put up with in your marriage..do not lower your standards,instead you need to both be honest and make sure you are both on the exact page of what your marriage means to you.
i wish my h would have been upfront and explained right back when he had these fantasies instead of trying to fullfill them without me. 
i made it very clear once i realised what he was looking for that i was willing to do just about anything..EXCEPT to add anyone . 
we found a happy medium which i was more than willing as it did not involve another person.. as was explained in the quote above.
dont be cross with him, instead be open and honest with you..and communicate...
so far..his words are one thing...ACTIONS...there another story.. and a harder obsticle to overcome.
(acting out fantasies.. tend to be not as good in real life, causing way too much emotional stress)(i do speak from experience)


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

If it's something he wants, he should bring it up. That it comes up months later when he's more comfortable is unfortunate, but that's how many embarrassing/taboo desires work. If his continued push for what he wants dissolves the relationship, then so be it, it should dissolve.

It's best to know these things before getting married, but one's desires can also change during marriage - whether it's desire for a threesome, desire for something wild like strap-on penetration, being exhibitionist, or even as simple as trying a new position.

People never stop changing and communication should never cease. Sucks to find out your wants are incompatible, but it happens. His duty is to express his wants. Her duty is to express hers. If she doesn't want a man who wants a threesome, her duty is clear.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Thread cleaned up. Please keep comments directed towards the OP. Let's not have another bloodletting. Thanks.


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