# I need passion



## anony-mouse (Jul 22, 2014)

Let's get right into it...

Married 10 years; 3 daughters. I'm military (deployed twice), she's a SAHM and just started going back to school in January. Oh, and she is a girl scout leader.

Her passion was gone long ago. It used to be there. Maybe kids will do that. For months (maybe over a year) I've been wishing there was more in the bedroom. Vanilla sex is ok and about twice a week. I want more, though. About half the time she's rushing me to get started (I like foreplay, she doesn't). Everytime, though, I feel rushed. I want to play and have fun.

Lately she's been scheduling a lot with the kids. Whether it's girl scout related or she plans a trip to a kids' museum or similar. The affection has been dwindling, too. We used to be snuggly and kissey in the beginning. She gives it to the kids now. And the dog  .

I've been supporting her going to school. I work a full time job and I clean the house and take care of the kids. I gave her my GI Bill so her tuition is fully funded. I've been supporting her in girl scouts. She was short a co-leader so I stepped up and I lead the Brownies (I was excited to be a part of it).

For a long time I've wanted more. I recently told her about my pent up desire for her and how I want to express it physically. She says I'm being selfish. I am. She's a great mother to our children and in all other aspects she a great wife. I love supporting her. She says that by me whining about wanting more I'm not supporting her.

I know I'm being selfish. She's been supporting me in my career for the past ten years. But I *NEED* that kind of connection. There have been times where I've thought "if I don't get it here, where do I get it from?" I long for that passion. I'm not happy right now. I think I just glazed it over before and I've finally realized how unhappy I am.

I love her and she loves me. She says she can't give me anymore than she already does. I should get my connection from the kids (sometimes I think she's married to the kids).

I know I'm being selfish. But I deserve to be happy, too, right? I've found myself looking at other women. I would never do anything while still married. But I long for that touch.

I'm considering leaving her and finding someone who _can_ give that to me. She's turned down marriage counseling. She's "too busy"  .

I'm pretty confused, sad and hurt right now. Maybe after a few weeks/months/years I'll be able to glaze over it again and carry on. But I know I'd feel these feelings again. This isn't the first time I've had these thoughts. The first time was about five years ago, and then 6 months ago. Where will I be in another five years.

Sorry for the wall of text. I'm just looking for thoughts on my situation. Thanks in advance.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

anony-mouse said:


> I'm military (deployed twice)


First, thank you for your service.




anony-mouse said:


> She gives it to the kids now. And the dog
> 
> ...I should get my connection from the kids (sometimes I think she's married to the kids).


And there you have it. She gets all the attention and emotions she needs from your kids, not you. This is not an uncommon thing. In the effort to be super-mom, some women put all of their attention and energy into the kids and not the marriage. The result is a situation similar to what you are currently in. 

Marriage should be the number one priority, then kids. Not the other way around.



anony-mouse said:


> She's a great mother to our children and in all other aspects she a great wife. I love supporting her. She says that by me whining about wanting more I'm not supporting her.


Obviously she can't be that great or you wouldn't be here talking about it. Marriage is about give and take and supporting each other. Part of supporting each other is helping to keep the connection between you going. 

I know for a lot of guys, it is difficult to connect emotionally without the physical aspect of the marriage. Many women (except those on TAM) don't realize how important the physical side of the marriage is for the guys and put us down by saying that we are "whining" when we desire them more than they desire us. Unless she has a light bulb moment where she comes to understand this, you are not going to make a lot of headway.




anony-mouse said:


> But I deserve to be happy, too, right?.


We all deserve to pursue happiness, it says so in the constitution. It goes back to the give and take. Sure she can be busy with school and the kids, so are you with work and the kids. Does it take that much effort to set some time aside for each other? Not really, but you have to want to do it. 

I would recommend a couple of books that may be helpful for the two of you to read, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books and Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D Chapman: Books are pretty good. They are pretty easy reading but can go a long way to help you both see your partners needs.


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## anony-mouse (Jul 22, 2014)

C3156 said:


> First, thank you for your service.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony-mouse (Jul 22, 2014)

Thanks for your advice and quick reply. We both read (listens to on tape) the 5 love languages and found that hers was acts of service and mine (at the time) was words of affirmation. After learning that we tried to perform better as a couple. I would try to help around the house more and she tried to compliment my effort. That faded after a short while. When she started school she asked for help around the house again and I obliged. When she leaves for her math class in the evening I like to make sure she comes to a clean house. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. I've told her about the physical touch and how much I need it. She's tried. She'll sit next to me and cuddle but I feel like it's almost forced. And in the bedroom, she'll initiate but still "are we doing this". She's asked that for a few years now, actually. I'm tired of it.

We have been through a lot together. She lost a pregnancy about 8 years ago. Two deployments and lots of time at sea over the course of three years. She's put up with a lot. I feel like she resents me for that. She'll bring it up just about every fight. So there's that too. I feel like this is coming towards the end but I also feel like I'm in denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For many women, children do seem to kill their interest in sex. Read up on some threads regarding sexless marriages on TAM. Not weeks or months but YEARS of no sex. Some women eventually care about that and try to improve things and some don't. You said she won't consider marriage counseling. Did you put it as an ultimatum -- if she doesn't then you're done? Don't threaten if you can't carry it out though. And definitely don't cheat. That really creates problems.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Focus on your daughters and yourself - there's no reason to give her the "opportunity" to monopolize your children.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

sounds to me like she needs passion. as the woman on the other side of a similar relationship I can say that I am bored, bored bored with sex... it's always the same, and so when I used to care about him and want his happiness I was happy to offer it, but now that I'm tired and exhausted and feel little emotional connection to him, it's a burden. I don't genuinely feel like he wants to be with me, but that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, just for some release, and that is not interesting to me at all. I haven't lost my desire or need for sex... but with him, well to be completely honest, it's just not doing it for me anymore. It's an obligation, a task to be performed. 

He keeps telling me he wants to be with me, but I don't feel it. So maybe that's where your wife is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keenwa said:


> sounds to me like she needs passion. as the woman on the other side of a similar relationship I can say that I am bored, bored bored with sex... it's always the same, and so when I used to care about him and want his happiness I was happy to offer it, but now that I'm tired and exhausted and feel little emotional connection to him, it's a burden. I don't genuinely feel like he wants to be with me, but that he just wants to be with someone, anyone, just for some release, and that is not interesting to me at all. I haven't lost my desire or need for sex... but with him, well to be completely honest, it's just not doing it for me anymore. It's an obligation, a task to be performed.
> 
> He keeps telling me he wants to be with me, but I don't feel it. So maybe that's where your wife is.


How much time a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing things you enjoy?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

She's a sahm and you still have to do house work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread. Read MMSLP.

Workout. Be happy. Don't initiate sex if it's no good.

Don't tell her you love her if she doesn't say it to you.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You can certainly leave. That is always an option.

You could try to improve yourself. Work out, like LW suggested, make yourself more interesting to her.

You could really seek to understand her and try to see where you're falling short in inspiring her passion. Guilting her into passion is not going to work. Meeting her deepest needs from a man would.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she's unwilling to meet you half way, then stop what your doing and let her know that the way things are is making you unhappy and either we get the proper help to improve the marriage or it will get to the point where the marriage in not saveable. 

If she's not willing to want to make a better effort then you have your answer and if the shoe was on the other foot, she would feel the same.

Sooner or later both of you have to meet in the middle and if only one of you is willing to do that, then be prepared to find lawyers and draw up the battle lines because it will happen.


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## anony-mouse (Jul 22, 2014)

Well I unloaded on her last night. Told her everything I need. Because it was all bottled up it hit her like a ton of bricks. She was hurt and angry and it was a long night last night. It's important to note that she is the one who brought up divorce. This morning we had a discussion but nothing came of it. She's pushing me out the door. I've brought up counseling many times but she won't have any of it. I want to work on it, but something needs to change and she's not going to. If I give in now I'll just have the same problems later. I feel like we're better as friends than husband and wife. Maybe I'll still be able to salvage a friendship. That'd be important to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Military life is hard on couples, and the spouse can feel like they gave up their life for it. I know because I was a soldier and a navy wife. Military spouses often can't pursue their own careers and end up as sah spouses, which some resent. I know I did, and the fact that she's in school tells me she wanted her own life. You guys need serious couple time and counseling but if she won't go she may be too far gone. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

anony-mouse said:


> 1)...She says I'm being selfish. I am....
> 2)...I know I'm being selfish, but I NEED that kind of connection...
> 3)...I know I'm being selfish. But I deserve to be happy, too, right?


You state that you're "being selfish" no less than 3 times in your post.

Since when is wanting a fulfilling, marriage-enriching sex life as well as more intimacy with your wife BEING SELFISH?? Isn't that what married people are SUPPOSED to want?

If anyone is being selfish, it's her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If she wants a divorce, why not give her one?

Your only other option, as I see it, would be to go to her and sincerely and humbly ask how she thinks you two could improve the marriage. And then listen and consider what she is saying. You could also offer to go to MC.

You cannot force her to stay. You can only make yourself more desirable as her partner. And you do not have to do it. Divorce is always an option.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It sounds to me like emotionallay she is out of this marriage. Kind of like me. I went balistic last year when my husband suggested MC, because I knew that would come to surface, and I wasn't ready yet. I am still not ready, but moved much farther on that path.


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