# Old fashioned guy disgusted by wife's modest sexual history



## ThomasAquinas (Sep 9, 2009)

I am a bit old fashioned. I grew up with a strict protestant upbringing, but in my mid teens I became agnostic, and I felt progressively more liberal minded. I don't believe sex before marriage is wrong, and I've never been judgmental of my friends. I chose to remain a virgin until marriage because, as a sex obsessed teenager, I almost had sex with a girl that I despised simply to have sex. She really liked me and I couldn't stand her, but I was a sex obsessed teenager. I didn't go through with it, but I felt crippling guilt for years. 

When I met my wife and fell in love, I wasn't looking for someone chaste, at least I didn't think that I was. She actually seemed much more conservative than me. She nearly broke up with me early on (a few weeks after dating), when she learned that I did watch pornography and visit men's magazine sites like Maxim, what's a guy in his mid 20s who doesn't have sex supposed to do? I gave that up out of respect for her, and it wasn't difficult to do. 

My wife was previously engaged to a real loser. She said that they had never had sex, and that she was a virgin. I didn't probe for details, but from what she'd said, it seemed like they fooled around but never had sex or oral sex. Recently it came up and it turns out they did have oral sex. She thought I knew and said she wasn't keeping it from me. Rationally, she was his fiance, it really shouldn't be a big deal. In actuality I feel angry, frustrated and disgusted. The idea that some guy had his **** in my wife's mouth fills me with rage. When she told me, she was concerned that she'd hurt me. I told her I wasn't upset, that she was his fiance and it was natural. I wish I felt that way. I'm reminded every time I kiss her, and we haven't had sex since. I try not to show it, but I know she feels something is wrong. 

I know that my wife isn't "damaged goods" and I know she didn't do anything wrong, but how do I get past this? It's only been 4 days, but it's felt like an eternity.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wow, this is a tough one. I too am a protestant... Baptist. I can go on and on about reasons to feel disgusted and reasons to feel accepting. However, I will sum it up with God wants us to love one another and accept strengths and what we see as faults... it is NOT our place to judge others as HE will do the judging at the appropriate time. This is very difficult to do, and I cant say Im a pro at it either as I am judging my husbands refusal to be with me all the time... bc it says in the bible he should not refuse me... we should serve one another (Corinthians and Ephesians) and I plain just dont understand it. Then of course there is the guilt over feeling the way I do about our sex life.

So, Love God, and Love one another. She gave to another man to whom she was going to be married. 

She was his fiance and it was rational... you need to accept that. Most people today would have an epic movie of visuals if they could see all the acts that their spouses did before they married... You only have one. I consider that chaste in my book. It is difficult to not think about those things, but she chose to be with you and you chose to be with her. Plus, it has ONLY been 4 days since you learned.

If she could get past the pornography, you need to get over one blow job to her ex fiance. Be the kind of husband that God wants you to be.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Thomas,

Good points by Choose2Love. She did this before she knew you, so she wasn't cheating on you. I too was a virgin when I got married at the age of 29 to my wife who actually was married once before. To this day I don't know how many sexual partners my wife has had. I have asked her and she said she can't remember, but I don't believe that in the least! I can't imagine a woman not knowing how many different guys she's been with. Basically I have accepted the fact that she has a more colored past than myself but I love her for her and she is faithful to me. You don't want your disgust and rejection to lead her to resentment. You have accepted her as your wife and anything that she has done in the past should remain in the past. I know at one tim ein my life I probably would not even have considered marrying someone who had been married before, but when I met my wife that all changed. I love her dearly and she is a wonderful mother. From time to time thoughts of her being with someone else does creep up into my mind, but I dismiss it as soon as I realize that I'm the lucky one who has her now. All the others wanted her but I ended up with her. Try to think of it that way. It doesn't sound like your wife was ever a sl*t, so you shouldn't even look at her as such. I do appreciate your sensitivity to this, believe me! I think your sensitivity is noble and a blessing to you and your wife, just don't misdirect it or make her feel unworthy of your love and affection.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This may be more of a trust issue as you married her thinking she was a virgin. This confession has likely shaken the basic trust you have in her. You will need to rebuild that trust but she will need to be honest with you and get any other skeletons out of the closet once and for all. Tell her how you feel. You want honesty from her, she needs it from you. My wife and I both had plenty of lovers, one night stands …. before we married. Her many more than I. I have never probed for a number of details, I don’t care. It’s not important to me who my wife had sex with before me. All that matters is that I am lucky enough to be the last one with her and the next one to be with her. Move past the past.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, so she blew the guy. So what!

You were not an item at the time.

Get over it.

If there is nothing else you have as an issue between you than this, consider yourself lucky.

BTW, I find it interesting that you use Thomas Aquinas as your ID. He was against all sexual contact but for the missionary position, and even then, only for attempting to impregnate a wife. he was against oral sex for sure. 

And he definitely was not a Protestant. Is he your source of belief for sexual things?


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Wow, for the first time I realized that this was a church site...I guess some kind of religious forum...Seeing I believe in God and that is it, I guess I am still free to post....Now about your wife....If I knew of all the women that my husband has had in life before me it would blow my mind...Seeing he had three dates the same night of our first date and we met one at the dance, I had a pretty good idea....He was a good looking and hot jock....Does it bother me?...No...Each of them made him a better lover....It is who and what he is now that counts....So she had some fun!!!...Sowed her oats....It's where her mouth is now that counts....In many ways you are a lucky man....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Geez, if all of our spouses felt the way you do; there would be less than 100 married couples in the US. C'mon; really; you are going to hold it against her becuase she did something sexually before she was married. As one poster said on here, consider it her getting more experience. Quite honestly, I am a Christian, but thinking this out rationally you can look at it this way:

If she had no other sexual encounter with any other man in her entire life but you; then in 10, 20 years she starts having thoughts about experiencing other men, curiosity, wow, I only have so many years left in my life and I have never known what it is like to be with someone else, etc. etc. (which, by the way is what happened to my wife after 20 years of marriage and I can't tell you how much it hurt me) that would could be a factor for an affair. Now I am not saying that will happen but consider the possiblity. Be glad she sowed her oats, BEFORE you got married. Get past your negative thoughts about her. Be thankful you have a great wife and be thankful for the experiences of youth. Accept and love her for who she is today.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

BTW, I am in no way condoning teenage sex, sex before marriage, etc. I am just saying - Let it be.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*kicking the hornets nest*

Thomas,
Clearly you are a bright and self aware man. So let me ask you something man to man. Have you ever really thought about porn? I mean really, really thought about it. I am 46 and only stopped cold a few years ago. But let me just briefly compare what you and I have done vs what your wife has done. Your wife did an intimate loving thing with a man she planned to marry. We on the other hand - hmmm - well I will keep this as short as possible.

There are no highly accurate mechanisms for measuring the age of a female. I mean sure you can tell if a girl has not traversed puberty, but there is a lot of variation once past that point. So if you ever looked at porn with 18 year olds they were likely not 18, maybe not even 17. 

Human trafficking is a huge industry. You think all the girls get sent to brothels? Be real, the best looking girls get to make movies - the highest margin part of the business. "Trafficking is by definition not voluntary". So whether you were on sites that use "ads" to pay the site owner or you paid a subscription fee, very good chance you were paying an organization that abducted girls, sometimes minor girls, and forced them into prostitution. 

Don't even think about telling me you never considered any of this. Because you already talked about your high moral standards so you should have. 

So back to your girl. Compared to us - well I think she is a saint. 


"An age is not dark because the light fails to shine, but rather because people choose not to see it"



QUOTE=ThomasAquinas;85720]I am a bit old fashioned. I grew up with a strict protestant upbringing, but in my mid teens I became agnostic, and I felt progressively more liberal minded. I don't believe sex before marriage is wrong, and I've never been judgmental of my friends. I chose to remain a virgin until marriage because, as a sex obsessed teenager, I almost had sex with a girl that I despised simply to have sex. She really liked me and I couldn't stand her, but I was a sex obsessed teenager. I didn't go through with it, but I felt crippling guilt for years. 

When I met my wife and fell in love, I wasn't looking for someone chaste, at least I didn't think that I was. She actually seemed much more conservative than me. She nearly broke up with me early on (a few weeks after dating), when she learned that I did watch pornography and visit men's magazine sites like Maxim, what's a guy in his mid 20s who doesn't have sex supposed to do? I gave that up out of respect for her, and it wasn't difficult to do. 

My wife was previously engaged to a real loser. She said that they had never had sex, and that she was a virgin. I didn't probe for details, but from what she'd said, it seemed like they fooled around but never had sex or oral sex. Recently it came up and it turns out they did have oral sex. She thought I knew and said she wasn't keeping it from me. Rationally, she was his fiance, it really shouldn't be a big deal. In actuality I feel angry, frustrated and disgusted. The idea that some guy had his **** in my wife's mouth fills me with rage. When she told me, she was concerned that she'd hurt me. I told her I wasn't upset, that she was his fiance and it was natural. I wish I felt that way. I'm reminded every time I kiss her, and we haven't had sex since. I try not to show it, but I know she feels something is wrong. 

I know that my wife isn't "damaged goods" and I know she didn't do anything wrong, but how do I get past this? It's only been 4 days, but it's felt like an eternity.[/QUOTE]


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## ThomasAquinas (Sep 9, 2009)

Michzz, 

I picked Thomas Aquinas as my screen name, because I know I'm wrong and being prudish about the whole issue. I mentioned my past because I feel that it has affected me psychologically. I am not now a christian, and I have not been since my mid teens. 

MEM11363,

I wasn't watching donkey-porn. I would go to sites like Maxim and FHM or Playboy and Penthouse. I was not a porn addict, and I don't think there was anything wrong with what I did. My wife considers sites like Maxim to be pornography. She feels that she should be enough, and she is. So out of respect for her beliefs I stopped.

All,

Thanks for your posts. I know I'm wrong, and I refuse to forgive my wife because that would be insulting. She did nothing wrong, and there is nothing to forgive. The problem is I still have these irrational feelings. I know I'm the problem and I have to focus on me. My wife and I did make love last night, and it was great. It has become easier to kiss her without thinking about it. I think writing everything down has helped a bit. I'm not walking around depressed. I still feel angry. I have urges to track down her ex-fiance and beat him senseless. It horrifies me to have such angry feelings for so long. I'm not used to having festering negative emotions. 

*Introspective: Possible Reasons for my irrational behavior*
-Am I too possessive of my wife that anyone else touching her is a violation of me?
-Is it because he's a loser, and her being with him devaluates me?
-It is a huge shock to feel like you're the king of the hill and then you find someone else got there first, but why am I so angry for so long?
-Is it a trust issue? My wife never lied to me, and it is an uncomfortable subject. It not coming up is not a lie by omission. 
-My wife says she never loved her ex, she just felt that he'd do, but she loved his sisters (is still friends with them, though they live far away.) The second year of their engagement, she says, was horrible; but he is the one who left. Are her thoughts now colored because he was the one to leave? Would she have married him?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you just need to relax and give yourself time to absorb the news and to go through the emotions as you are feeling them. I suspect that in a while you'll reach acceptance on this issue and wonder why you felt such angst about it in the first place. But that will take time so just give yourself that time.

I don't think you're wrong for feeling as you do because they're your feelings. You're trying not to act on them, so you are being respectful of your wife. You do love her. You've just got a bit of a problem dealing with an unpleasant truth. But you will deal with it and you will get past it.


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## tetcats (Apr 14, 2010)

Seek therapy. You have BIG problems. They are NOT her problems. They are YOUR problems. You need professional help.
Being religious is not an excuse to be small minded. ALL religions preach FORGIVENESS (not that she needs it, you do).


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## tetcats (Apr 14, 2010)

ThomasAquinas said:


> Michzz,
> 
> I picked Thomas Aquinas as my screen name, because I know I'm wrong and being prudish about the whole issue. I mentioned my past because I feel that it has affected me psychologically. I am not now a christian, and I have not been since my mid teens.
> 
> ...


The past is the PAST. Let it GO. Remember, she CHOSE YOU.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

Thats it!!! You must have the cleanest women in America. The rest of us have to put up with all the guys our wifes have hit before. Some of our wifes are really hot and you tell me do you think they had sex before we got to them of course, guy after guy after guy after guy after girl afterguy after guy. After a while you just say what the f#$%^.

Not a big deal. You are a lucky guy if you wife only gave the guy head. Is she telling you the truth.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

'urges to track him down and "beat him senseless"...'

go and get professional help for your problem as fast as you can.


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## Deniz (Mar 23, 2011)

How did she know about the oral sex if she has never watched pornography then? Probably she and her fiance watched porn...

Also I don't believe a virgin and religious girls would do oral sex right away. I believe she has done everything but she doesn't tell you the truth.

So I would say just look for other signs. If she lied to you on many other things than you need think about your decision. But if this is the only thing I think you shouldn't focus on her sexual experience with her fiance.

I'm an old fashioned man too. I understand how you feel right now and why you keep remembering the other guy when you kiss her. It's more important what SHE THINKS of when you kiss her. I don't think she dreams of the other guy.

Also what she does after she met you is more important than what she had done in the past. You have to give her and you a chance.

ADVICE TO ALL:
Talking about ex's and sexual experiences is one of the most stupid things that couples do. This ruins your relationship. I don't understand why people need to talk about these.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

You don't need professional help and the fact is you seem reasonably introspective and fairly rational about this. I don't blame you for feeling decieved, and the idea of what she did not tell you about--after fairly assuming for some years that it didn't happen--is painful. 

......at first.

It's only been four days. I promise you, with some time--not much time--these feelings will fall in the same place they are held with all couples who have a pre-history, and you will experience your wonderful wife in a holistic manner for all of her great qualities. 

As an agnostic I won't preach to you. But I will remind you of a term that we all understand and hopefully believe in: grace.

You will be fine my friend. :smthumbup:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't think this is uncommon and to me, it does not indicate some kind of mental problem. I do think it would help to have short term therapy to understand this and the experience with the girl you nearly had sex with. Somehow i think that your past experience with the girl you disliked is connected to your present difficulty. You said that you had many years of guilt, do you still harbor guilt? This may be incorrect but I'll give it a shot- is it possible that you have not totally forgiven yourself for the near miss with the girl and your anger is displaced from you to this man? 

How many years have you been married, has your wife been good and caring and a good mother? Do you have a good sex life with her? 

If your wife's fiancé was abusive, there may have been some coercion involved with the oral sex. I wonder if he left because he wanted more sexual contact and she did not overstep her boundaries. You may want to consider this as you work through this - she was young and as such was vulnerable to being talked into doing something she may not have wanted to do by an abusive man. 

At any rate, a therapist may be able to help you trace the genesis of your feelings, help you to see that what happened with the girl in your past was an indication of your good character and not a transgression worthy of guilt, just like your wife experience is not worthy of censure or feelings of disgust. You love and value your wife highly, if she has been a good wife then she deserves your admiration as I am sure you deserve hers. we have all done things we regret especially when young when we are not yet fully developed and still in need of the guidance and protection of adults.

I think you are a very thoughtful and loving man and I hope you will be able to get past this and embrace the happiness that you and your wife deserve. Good luck.

PS- the fact that she had oral sex is no indication she looked at porn - my husband instructed me how to give him oral sex I never saw it done in porn but I can do it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Um, once again....why are posts from YEARS past being dug up recently? This guy hasn't been back for almost 2 years. If it is for normal banter to help out new people, cool but if you are posting on this topic thinking you will reach him, he is long gone.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ops not looking. Thanks Brennan how are do people find old post??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Ops not looking. Thanks Brennan how are do people find old post??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No clue, but check the date posting in the future.


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