# Help! I want to save my marriage



## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

My situation is crappy ATM and I really don't know what to do.

For a few years I have had severe sleep apnoea and it took a while to get a diagnosis ( due to an arrogant doctor). It was my wife who actually recorded me holding my breath at night which meant they had no choice but to give me treatment. Through out all of this I had none to very little energy and because I would fall asleep a lot I would eat and drink high volumes of sugar. Because of that I gained lots of weight. Once we got my diagnosis my energy levels started to come back initially however I soon started feeling low after two weeks and this was because my anti depressants I was taking ( depression being a side effect of sleep apnoea) started to mess with my head whilst on this treatment. I then came off of my anti depressants and this meant that I became a bit snappy but overall I've always been a good guy. Just little energy so a lot of the burden fell to my wife with chores and looking after the kids.

The idea that I was a burden to my wife kills me inside and even though there wasn't anything I could of done about it I still feel ashamed.

I got my diagnosis in October and over Christmas I was coming of anti depressants and everything was great. I was taking over the child care of our two boys. We went to visit my wife's mother at Christmas and we had a great time. My wife and I were cuddling holding hands and kissing a lot.

Because of work I had to go back early and my wife stayed on for another week.

Whilst my wife was down there an old boyfriend of hers back when she was 16 came to see her. They had been chatting on Facebook when he came to visit her he told that he still loves her and hasn't stopped loving her. My wife told him at the time that he had no chance and that she was married and had kids.

I had no idea of this at the time and slowly but surely I was making improvements and I was getting our budget sorted for bills and trying to free up money, I manage to free up about £700 per month so that we could start to save money as we wanted to try for another baby in May. I noticed that Jane had started locking her phone and she had changed her password on her work laptop and surprised by refusing to tell me the new password( apparently she didn't like me "snooping" I was shocked as I never really snooped on her Facebook and was surprised. Then about a week later I got out of bed and got the kids ready for the day I also made her a cup of tea and took upto her. It was at this point she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me and had arranged for her mum to come pick her up. I have to admit I felt heart broken and didn't know what to say. So I tried to please with her and she just told me she was going and there wasn't anything I could so to stop her. Her mother came up the next day and took her to her house with my two boys.

She told me that she wanted the house sorted out and that it was too cluttered. We were also having our kitchen refitted at the time. So I spent two weeks away from my kids sorting out the house and getting it better. I went to her mums and picked them up and brought them home. My wife was very offish with me but said we should try again. The next morning my wife woke up and went to the bathroom it was at this point I noticed her phone was unlocked. Though I felt like I shouldn't I read a message on it where she was pleading a guy to go out with her. Saying that he was the love of her life and her soul mate. When I read this I was so shocked I collapsed into a heap and I had a panic attack ( this isn't something I normally suffer from ) after I recovered I confronted my wife who started crying and told me that she loved him and not me.

It turns out that she cheated on me the first night she went down there. Her mother was at her boyfriends and he came around to see her and she had sex with him twice. He then left and despite telling that he loved her all these years before he suddenly decided that he no longer loved her. He then blocked her on every communication and told her that she had broken his heart because she had used him..apparently this happened because my wife told him that she couldn't just break up with me and live in the some house until she was able to move down with him.

Anyway my wife and I have been living separated in the same house for about four months and it had largely been difficult. My wife told me that I was pushing her away by keeping on about us trying again and that she needed space. I couldn't do this and she has since got a job near her mothers and not to far from this guy. She has moved in with her mother for about a week and so far hasn't spoken to this guy.

I'm finding it very hard. I miss her and the kids. Every time I bring us up she tells me that it's repetitive and boring and it seems to bring up a barrier which puts me in a crappy mood.

She tells me that she doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment and that she just needs her space. 

She says she wants to speak with this other guy but says that even though she loves him she doesn't think she could go out with him because of the way he has treated her.

This guy also sent me some texts, he had my number because she used my phone when he had blocked her number. In his texts he tried to make me feel sorry for him by telling me that he had no friends and that he was on the strongest of anti depressants. That he was in large a large amount of dept and was considering bankruptcy and finally he is addicted to prescription pain killers.
( quite the catch eh?) apparently my wife thinks he is scared of me and this is his way of stopping me from harming him. 


So this is one massive crappy situation that I would like to get some advice on. I really want to make a go of it and I do forgive her this once.

Sorry for the essay

Pfizer


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've got yourself some real trouble on your hands. You've got a lot of work to do, mostly on yourself. Sounds like you lost yourself along the way somehow, and became unhealthy and less attractive to her. Job number one is get yourself back in shape as fast as possible and clean up anything else that needs doing on your side of the street first. Remember the marriage is 50/50, the affair is 100% on her. 

As for her you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. You can only change your own behavior. Here is a list of behaviors to you can follow. Read them, print them out, live them for now...180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Others will be along. Its the weekend and the boards have less traffic. While your waiting you ought to read these...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


You might also re-post your thread or ask for to be moved to the infidelity section, for more answers from those who have been in your shoes. 

Sorry you're here.

Good luck.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Thank you for the reply. That 180 list certainly shows me where I have been going wrong! I'll give it ago.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The list should help. Many betrayed spouses try all sorts of methods wooing their spouses back, when in reality it only pushes them further away. As it makes you look clingy, weak and pathetic. You can find that discussed in the man up link I gave you. 

What steps do you intend to take about you health?


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Well I have taken on a better attitude that I need to be independently stronger in a similar way I had to be after my fathers death. Im going to hig the gyn and have started a fast which is the best way I find to loose weight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

That was hit the gym..I'm also considering filing for divorce or at the very least remove her pictures of my Facebook profile and header and change the marriage status to single


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It would be wise to consult a lawyer/solicitor and find out what your options and responsibilities are. Don't let her control you in any negotiations. It may be more expensive, but you should use your own legal counsel. That will open her eyes a bit to the new reality, that you're standing up to the situation.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Pfizer said:


> Not yet. I have emailed her a book I just bought called woman's infidelity. I found it in a link a previous poster posted.
> 
> At first she started to get guard up but she has been telling me that she has some nightmares recently which is to do with drowning in water..she believes this is reflective of her emotional state so I proposed this book to her.
> 
> I live in the UK and she has moved 200 miles from me


Michelle Langley's books are excellent Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" is another you might look at. 

Here's one for you, Dr Rober Glover, "No More Mr Nice Guy" pdf 
Don't be put off by the title...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Modafanil and the newer Nuvigil are prescribed in the US to improve wakefulness/energy in those suffering from sleep apnea. That is, in addition to CPAP.



Nuvigil makes a huge difference for me.



It is very expensive here, without insurance. $540/month.



The earlier version (modafanil, not sure) will be available in generic form before Nuvigil. Not sure if it is yet.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

have you exposed her affair to her mother?


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## richard_73 (May 16, 2014)

Pfizer said:


> My situation is crappy ATM and I really don't know what to do.
> 
> For a few years I have had severe sleep apnoea and it took a while to get a diagnosis ( due to an arrogant doctor). It was my wife who actually recorded me holding my breath at night which meant they had no choice but to give me treatment. Through out all of this I had none to very little energy and because I would fall asleep a lot I would eat and drink high volumes of sugar. Because of that I gained lots of weight. Once we got my diagnosis my energy levels started to come back initially however I soon started feeling low after two weeks and this was because my anti depressants I was taking ( depression being a side effect of sleep apnoea) started to mess with my head whilst on this treatment. I then came off of my anti depressants and this meant that I became a bit snappy but overall I've always been a good guy. Just little energy so a lot of the burden fell to my wife with chores and looking after the kids.
> 
> ...


so sorry to hear your situation! 
It's the hardest situation I know.
If you try and discuss the situation with her and create a plan to save the relationship you push her away further.
But you feel if you do nothing she will drift further away.

I can't believe that guy texted you. What a nerve he has! 

It seems you have two choices.

1. Wait on her, possibly for a long time. This will be hard on your mind and body and you will need to take great care of yourself.

2. Walk away and start a new life. unimaginable if you feel she is your true love.

People here will talk about the 180 plan which seems to be the only option but you have to be ready for that, it's a big step in my opinion. I haven't managed it yet.

Wish I could offer more advice.

Hang in there.

R


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

In my search for materials to help me cope with my husband's transgressions, I came across this, and thought it pretty spot on:

https://coachjackito.com/blog/how-to-reconcile-separated-wife/


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