# Working out together



## Robby04

MESSAGE RECEIVED


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## Mr.Married

Yes you are. She already told you she doesn’t want to do it. Why do you not just let it go already? The more you ask the more she understands you refuse to hear what she is saying.


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## *Deidre*

Do you want her to specifically start lifting weights with you or do you just want her to join you at the gym sometimes, and she can do her own workout there?


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## happyhusband0005

Robby04 said:


> Not sure if this right spot for this.
> But overall we have a good marriage, kids grown.
> We are both in our 50's.
> I have been a lifelong workout person, mostly lifting weights and Peloton.
> My wife has done some working out, but never really lifted weights with me.
> I ask her to workout with me, but that she always gets defensive about it, says she doesn't like lifting weights, and it causes a lot of strife.
> I even have made an outstanding home gym (You know, pandemic), but I can't get her to budge.
> She says I'm being manipulative, or I'm trying to change her. The more I ask, the more she is set against it.
> Am I in the wrong? Wanting her to workout with me, I mean, it has always been a big part of my life. And it leaves a big hole, not having her participate with me.
> i mean, i practically beg her to join me.
> We bought a peloton bike 2 years ago and she used to use it a lot.
> Not any more though..
> Anytime I bring up working out we butt heads.
> She does walk a lot, but she has recently just been put on high blood pressure medicine.
> Am I the bad guy here?


You're not a bad guy no. But you're annoying her for no reason over this. I would let it go.


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## bobert

Robby04 said:


> Not sure if this right spot for this.
> But overall we have a good marriage, kids grown.
> We are both in our 50's.
> I have been a lifelong workout person, mostly lifting weights and Peloton.
> My wife has done some working out, but never really lifted weights with me.
> I ask her to workout with me, but that she always gets defensive about it, says she doesn't like lifting weights, and it causes a lot of strife.
> I even have made an outstanding home gym (You know, pandemic), but I can't get her to budge.
> She says I'm being manipulative, or I'm trying to change her. The more I ask, the more she is set against it.
> Am I in the wrong? Wanting her to workout with me, I mean, it has always been a big part of my life. And it leaves a big hole, not having her participate with me.
> i mean, i practically beg her to join me.
> We bought a peloton bike 2 years ago and she used to use it a lot.
> Not any more though..
> Anytime I bring up working out we butt heads.
> She does walk a lot, but she has recently just been put on high blood pressure medicine.
> Am I the bad guy here?


If it's that important to you, your wife should want to join you. She doesn't have to like the activity but can like spending time with you and knowing how important it is to you. 

There has to be room for compromise though. It sounds like you want her to lift weights with you, can't she join you but do something else? Do you have any friends to work out with instead? Do you have any other hobbies you do together? Do you do things she's into that you aren't really?


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## TexasMom1216

Robby04 said:


> Am I in the wrong? Wanting her to workout with me


No, you're not wrong for wanting her to do it. 


Robby04 said:


> The more I ask, the more she is set against it.


If there were something she wanted you to do, like for example take up one of her hobbies and do it with her, and you said no thanks, not interested, and she wouldn't let it go, and kept nagging and nagging, how inclined would you be to participate? No one likes to be nagged about stuff. And if you rag on her until she gives in, she will probably end up resenting you and being miserable.

I hear you when you say your intent is to spend time with her and make her more healthy. That's fine and good, but she said no. You should have some respect for her and leave her alone about it. You're creating a rift for no reason. Who knows, do your own thing and let her do her own thing and maybe organically you'll start doing those things together.


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## RebuildingMe

Has her appearance changed a lot? Are you pushing so hard because it’s your passion or because she got fat? If it’s the latter, only she can motivate herself to change.


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## Rus47

Robby04 said:


> Anytime I bring up working out we butt heads.
> She does walk a lot, but she has recently just been put on high blood pressure medicine.
> Am I the bad guy here?


Not a "bad" guy. But rather tone deaf. Just because you love a hobby doesn't mean she must engage in that hobby too. My wife has been a runner since I met her. For first half of our marriage I hated running. If she had nagged me constantly about it we would have been butting heads too. As it turned out, I eventually joined her and we ran together. But not because she nagged me about it.

How about putting your heads together and finding an exercise activity both of you can enjoy and do together. If she likes walking, then go walking with her. Why would BP meds preclude her and you walking? I would think walking would help her.


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## BigDaddyNY

Been there, done that, and won't do it again. Nothing wrong with wanting her to be health conscious while doing an activity you enjoy. Thing is, it is what you enjoy, not necessarily her.

I've always been big into exercise. I go the the gym 3-4 days a week, plus a home gym, play sports, etc. I've tried to get my wife to workout with me, and she actually has on a very rare occasion quite a long time ago. Unfortunately we just don't mesh in the gym. I'm very regimented, detailed and strict form with weights while she is the wing it kind of gym goer. She would never do the same thing two workouts in a row. Its like we are oil and water in the gym. I've tried to get her to go by telling her she can do her own things or whatever. She just wasn't interested. So I haven't asked in 10+ years. What ended up motivating her, was her seeing me getting into better shape, losing weight, or whatever my goal was at the time along with her feeling like she could stand to lose a few pounds. She would start the conversation on the subject and I was sure to never push her to come to the gym with me. She then decided to work out on her own. She does two "boot camp" work outs each week and yoga 2-3 days a week. She had to find what she liked and on her own terms. She ended up even inviting me to come to the boot camp workouts with her, and we do them together now. I never say a word to her about her form or what she is doing, lol. It is her thing, she enjoys doing it and it is good for her. That is win-win to me.

Quite often people don't want to be pushed to do something that isn't a high priority for them. This seems to be particularly true about exercise and diet. I suggest dropping the idea of her working out with you. If anything, encourage her to find what she wants to do, for the sake of her health.


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## Openminded

She doesn’t care about lifting and she’s made that clear so it’s better if you stop trying to interest her in what interests you. That’s your hobby — not hers — so you need to find another way to spend time together. My husband was a power lifter. That was his only hobby and as far as he was concerned it was the only one that mattered. I did have periods (years) when I would lift with him but I preferred other forms of exercise — none of which interested him and I got tired of always being the one to compromise. So you do you and let her do her and maybe she’ll agree to a joint hobby that you both like.


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## Gregory Chaucery

Robby04 said:


> Not sure if this right spot for this.
> But overall we have a good marriage, kids grown.
> We are both in our 50's.
> I have been a lifelong workout person, mostly lifting weights and Peloton.
> My wife has done some working out, but never really lifted weights with me.
> I ask her to workout with me, but that she always gets defensive about it, says she doesn't like lifting weights, and it causes a lot of strife.
> I even have made an outstanding home gym (You know, pandemic), but I can't get her to budge.
> She says I'm being manipulative, or I'm trying to change her. The more I ask, the more she is set against it.
> Am I in the wrong? Wanting her to workout with me, I mean, it has always been a big part of my life. And it leaves a big hole, not having her participate with me.
> i mean, i practically beg her to join me.
> We bought a peloton bike 2 years ago and she used to use it a lot.
> Not any more though..
> Anytime I bring up working out we butt heads.
> She does walk a lot, but she has recently just been put on high blood pressure medicine.
> Am I the bad guy here?


You can't generate an interest in another person that doesn't exist.
She might be afraid to lift heavy, because she's never done it before and doesn't want to get injured.
Since she seems interested in endurance oriented activities, maybe organize a workout for her that involves that, such as a circuit training weight training.
So, she might more interested if you could design a circuit training that builds her endurance.


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## re16

Robby04 said:


> Not sure if this right spot for this.
> But overall we have a good marriage, kids grown.
> We are both in our 50's.
> I have been a lifelong workout person, mostly lifting weights and Peloton.
> My wife has done some working out, but never really lifted weights with me.
> I ask her to workout with me, but that she always gets defensive about it, says she doesn't like lifting weights, and it causes a lot of strife.
> I even have made an outstanding home gym (You know, pandemic), but I can't get her to budge.
> She says I'm being manipulative, or I'm trying to change her. The more I ask, the more she is set against it.
> Am I in the wrong? Wanting her to workout with me, I mean, it has always been a big part of my life. And it leaves a big hole, not having her participate with me.
> i mean, i practically beg her to join me.
> We bought a peloton bike 2 years ago and she used to use it a lot.
> Not any more though..
> Anytime I bring up working out we butt heads.
> She does walk a lot, but she has recently just been put on high blood pressure medicine.
> Am I the bad guy here?


Is this still wife #2 that threatened to divorce you a ways back, or did that happen and this is a new wife?


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## Anastasia6

Is this the same wife you lied to and gambled behind her back? 
Which is that the same one you sent naked pictures of her to others after she asked you not to????

Now you want to force her to exercise with you and you want to know if you or her are in the right?

With your history, I honestly wouldn't push her about anything so stupid as to not wanting to lift weights with you.
I guess you previous 'lessons' you learned and would never do again have morphed into a new obession or controlling behavior.


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## ccpowerslave

Instead of you trying to get her to do what you want, how about you do what she wants? That’s what I do and consequently she works out every day and then I do my workout before or after.


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## DudeInProgress

1. It’s a stupid issue to create unnecessary friction over. If she doesn’t want to work out with you, she doesn’t want to work out with you. Let it go.
2. Why would you want to work out with your wife anyway? She can’t lift as heavy as you, so you’ll just spend way too much time and focus unnecessarily swapping out plates, instead of actually lifting heavy things. It’s just inefficient and counterproductive.


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