# Husband's emotional death grip on me is making me depressed



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

So, as I've discussed at length in my other threads, I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage. My H has Bipolar 2, probably BPD. I've lived 19 years with a man who is so emotionally needy to the point of obliterating my needs. I always thought I was being a good wife by shoving away my feelings and needs and giving everything I had to please him. I always thought "someday" it would all pay off and he'd appreciate what a good wife he has and would start caring about my needs without judging their "rightness" or "appropriateness". 

Well, here I am 19 years later, feeling very stuck in trying to lead a fulfilling life. In many ways, our marriage and our lives have not matured a lot since we got married. My H is chronically depressed, anxious, 120 lbs overweight, despises himself because of his appearance, and has chronic joint pain. I'm 38 and I feel better in my life right now than I ever have. I'm ambitious, adventurous, active, and easily entertained. 

I talked to my H last night about how I've been feeling kind of depressed lately, because I feel like we don't seem to make each other happy. He went into a very long, painful discussion about how he lives in pure terror every day that I will leave him, and he's terrified of being alone. The fear of being alone consumes his thoughts constantly. It makes him sad that he can't seem to connect with our son (15 years old) emotionally. He always felt that his own parents didn't really want him around. He desperately wanted his dad to love him, but his dad couldn't be bothered by him. He felt rejected...so he is trying hard to make our son feel loved. But I think it's in a way that my son doesn't relate to. To him, my H just seems "awkward", like he's trying too hard and it's overbearing at times. My H feels rejected by his son now, too. So he's lonely and rejected and terrified I'll reject him too like everyone else has.

I asked him how he thought he was supposed to make us happy if he's so unhappy with himself. I asked him what he thought he could do to try to take better care of himself and start feeling better. He just says "I don't know." He's been to many doctors many times for various things, but he doesn't always follow through on some things they recommend, then he gets this attitude that all doctors are worthless so why even bother with them. He does go for refills of his blood pressure medication every 6 months. 

Trying to break away from my usual codependent behavior and offer to do things for him, I'm just letting him think about how HE could make an effort to try to feel better about himself and life in general. But having lived with a chronically depressed person for so long, and loathing the idea of living another 19 years this way, I start to feel resentful...then guilty for thinking these things: why should I sacrifice my happiness to live merely as a human pacifier to my husband, because he's terrified of being alone? Then again, knowing how much it would destroy him to leave him, I don't know if I have it in me to do that. So I feel stuck. And I feel like life is passing me by while my H has a death grip on me emotionally. 

If I leave him, it will destroy him and make his worst fears a reality. If I stay, I must accept the fact that he's not likely to change and will continue to wallow in his own misery until he dies. I really, really feel kind of hopeless right now. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

He sounds a lot like I used to be. I was 100 pounds over weight. High BP, Diabetes ond more. No energy. Depressed. Didn't want to do anything.

In February 2010, I had weight loss surgery. It took about a year, but I lost the weight. I have energy now. Want to get out and do things. Even doing things around the house now. It's like a brand new me!


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

I don't see anywhere in your post that he is seeing a theripst or taking meds for bi-polar. My wife has bi-polar and pstd, I can see where you are comming from. How is it you have managed to live with someone that long unmedicated? I have made very clear to my wife that the day she goes back off her meds is the day we are done. While it still is no where near ideal, it becomes atleast bearable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> If I leave him, it will destroy him and make his worst fears a reality. If I stay, I must accept the fact that he's not likely to change and will continue to wallow in his own misery until he dies. I really, really feel kind of hopeless right now. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


He won't change unless he faces a crisis. 

Even a crisis might not make things work out for him, because his misery IS a reward in itself. It reinforces his world view and makes him feel secure about his perceptions. 

Have you considered the possibility of moving out with your son temporarily - 6 months to a year? Tell your husband that you want to give him the best opportunity to overcome those fears that he says control his life but that are making everyone miserable. By forcing him to face them, you're giving him a chance to find ways to focus his energy elsewhere and that if he manages to make his life something he's proud of, that you'll be happy to return. Offer to date him once or twice a week so he'll understand it's not total rejection and abandonment but is "tough love" instead.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You've tried for 19 yrs. to help someone who won't help himself. He has a treatable illness, but you can't force him to get treatment.

He's like a drug addict or alcoholic. Maybe you can go to Alanon meetings for support (not sure if he doesn't have a substance abuse issue).

I agree with Kathy that he won't change unless you leave him & then maybe not.

Leave him for a chance at happiness or stay & be miserable.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

rundown said:


> I don't see anywhere in your post that he is seeing a theripst or taking meds for bi-polar. My wife has bi-polar and pstd, I can see where you are comming from. How is it you have managed to live with someone that long unmedicated? I have made very clear to my wife that the day she goes back off her meds is the day we are done. While it still is no where near ideal, it becomes atleast bearable.


I was the one who initially pushed him to see a doctor about his behavior after our son was born. I didn't know what he had, I just knew he was angry, miserable, and had no motivation. I made an appointment with the family doc for him and went with him as a starting place. The family doc tried a few different meds, and they had bad side effects. So I again took the lead and encouraged him to see a psychiatrist, since they'd know what medications are better suited for his symptoms. The psych diagnosed him with Bipolar 2 and prescribed him a different med, which he stayed on for many years up until last summer (more on that later). 

The psych moved out of town, so my H was referred to a different one, whom my H just didn't seem to like very well (rubbed him the wrong way being pushy about religion). Since he didn't want to follow up with him and wanted to just go back to his family doc for refills, I asked if he'd go to counseling. So again, I researched who to go to and found a great Psychologist and made an appointment for him. My H went a few times, then the Psych asked him to bring me and our son. We did that a few times, then my H suddenly told me he wasn't going back anymore because he thought the Psych was blaming him for things that weren't his fault. 

At some point several years ago, he decided to cut his dose of meds in half, because he thought they were starting to cause some bothersome side effects and he felt they were contributing to his weight gain. He quit taking his meds this summer, right before his hernia surgery, since you have to stop all meds the day before surgery. He never started taking his Bipolar med again after. He said it didn't help much anyway, plus it was 'making him fat'. Well, it's hard for me to say how much the meds have helped. I can't say it's helped too drastically. Probably it did help ease some of his anxiety in his own mind, but behaviorally, not much difference. As for them 'making him fat', he's been off the med for 7 months and doesn't appear to have lost any weight, so I think he was wrong about that. 

I asked him last night to think about getting back to treating his Bipolar. I left it at that...I'm not doing it for him any more. The truth is, since I never saw a dramatic difference in him while taking the meds, I don't hold out a lot of hope that getting back on them will help our marital situation a whole lot. There are a lot more issues going on here that taking a pill can't fix, like his rejection issues from his childhood and his probable BPD. 

I'm a very loyal person and I'm not one who's quick to "cut my losses" and move on. But I'm getting to the point I just don't have any more to give in this relationship...which is exactly what he fears the most...that I'll end up rejecting him. If I leave him, it confirms his belief that I would ultimately reject him..he'd say "see! I knew it all along you'd leave me!"...never mind all the blood, sweat, and tears I've given to NOT leave him all these years. Ugh...


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I have bipolar disorder and am stable. Your husband absolutely must see a psychiatrist regularly and work with them to find the right medication combination. If he is afraid of you leaving him and you don't want to live another 19 years like you have been give him an ultimatum he sees a psychiatrist and follows their treatment recommendation and takes his meds every day or you leave.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> At some point several years ago, he decided to cut his dose of meds in half, because he thought they were starting to cause some bothersome side effects and he felt they were contributing to his weight gain. He quit taking his meds this summer, right before his hernia surgery, since you have to stop all meds the day before surgery. He never started taking his Bipolar med again after. He said it didn't help much anyway, plus it was 'making him fat'. Well, it's hard for me to say how much the meds have helped. I can't say it's helped too drastically. Probably it did help ease some of his anxiety in his own mind, but behaviorally, not much difference. As for them 'making him fat', he's been off the med for 7 months and doesn't appear to have lost any weight, so I think he was wrong about that.
> 
> I asked him last night to think about getting back to treating his Bipolar. I left it at that...I'm not doing it for him any more. The truth is, since I never saw a dramatic difference in him while taking the meds, I don't hold out a lot of hope that getting back on them will help our marital situation a whole lot. There are a lot more issues going on here that taking a pill can't fix, like his rejection issues from his childhood and his probable BPD.
> 
> .


I'm sorry. You sound miserable.

I guess what I would say, based on what I've seen of more severe forms of bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses (I'm not in any form a mental health professional, but just from life experiences): I look at it like, there is the mental illness, then there is the personality of the individual. These are two separate things, and the distinction is important, because you can have someone with a fairly severe diagnosed mental illness who manages to take care of him/herself, hold down a job, have relationships, and just get along more or less like everyone else. Then there are those who have more mild "disorders", who seem like they can never manage to keep it together. I can think of many examples of people who use these diagnoses as a crutch and end up chronically blaming everyone else for their problems. I guess I just mean this to say, you are his wife, and yes your support is important, but this is also largely up to him and he does need to take responsibility. In my opinion.

Just a side point: I would completely agree with him about side-effects of some of those meds, though I don't know the specific ones he is taking. Those prescribed for bipolar often do tend to have a significant impact on appetite and cause a lot of weight gain that isn't necessarily reversed right away once the medication is stopped. It can be very frustrating and there are many other possible nasty side effects that may be contributing to his hesitance to start back up on the medication. It is a balancing act. And some people do get by alright without medication. For others though, it is absolutely necessary, and that's not me speaking; they would be the first to tell you so. 

Good luck.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I have bipolar disorder and am stable. Your husband absolutely must see a psychiatrist regularly and work with them to find the right medication combination. If he is afraid of you leaving him and you don't want to live another 19 years like you have been give him an ultimatum he sees a psychiatrist and follows their treatment recommendation and takes his meds every day or you leave.


I'm just gonna be completely honest with my feelings here and say...even if he got treatment at my request, stays on his medication, and goes to counseling, I can't promise my feelings for him will be "all better". So I could demand that he get treatment, but I can't say "or I'll leave you" because it implies I won't leave him if he does get treatment. I just don't know. 

It would really only have a chance to help our relationship if _he_ decided to do it to help himself, to make his mind more peaceful, to be able to get a handle on his anxiety, and to improve his relationship with me and our son. My serving him an ultimatum would only reinforce his pattern of responding emotionally to the fear of loss and he would have an excuse to continue to make me responsible for his emotions. Basically, I don't want him to do it for me. I want him to do it for him.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I'm just gonna be completely honest with my feelings here and say...even if he got treatment at my request, stays on his medication, and goes to counseling, I can't promise my feelings for him will be "all better". So I could demand that he get treatment, but I can't say "or I'll leave you" because it implies I won't leave him if he does get treatment. I just don't know.


You have your answer already hun, the reason you haven't acted is because you are too nice, and work like hell to keep your relationship (like me sadly). Look, you've taken your horse to water, you can't make him drink! Nothing you try now will magically make 19 years of your life all worth it, I'm sorry. You have mentally checked out of the relationship, for your own sake and for your mental health - deep down, you know this isn't right. Take him to the doctor again, and leave him to it. He isn't being a friend to you, let alone your husband.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

If he has bi-polar OR borderline personality, he could also be a narcissist who only cares about his feelings and wants. You are only there to fulfill his needs, make him feel better, and be the person he takes out all his bullcrap on.

You can try to reason with an emotional vampire, but they will always turn the problems back on you. YOU are the reason they don't feel right. You are not doing enough to make them happy. You can jump through rings of fire and it will still not make your H happy. 

I'll bet when you first met him he was incredibly charming and funny. He was easy to fall in love with. As time progresses, these people get more and more needy and dependent on you for their happiness. Hence, the emotional blackmail you are living with. 

Once, my mother went to Florida for two days to visit her sister. My borderline father called all of us kids and said he was going to kill himself if mom didn't come home. He said he had a gun ready to go. We all rushed over there to prevent this suicide attempt but soon figured out it was a ruse to get his way. He called my mother and threatened her for ABANDONMENT and she came back as soon as she could. Once he got his way and was in control again, he went back to normal like nothing happened. 

So like you, my father keeps my mother on a tight leash. She can't even come and visit or talk on the phone with anyone, even her children. Yet she takes his side against the three of us kids all the time. As a result, us three kids can't stand him and with good reason. My mother chooses to guilt all three of us kids to love my father. Now she has become the enemy. 

Since I am still suffering at the hands of my father and his guilt trips, my mother has started guilting me constantly. I just got a nasty text from her yesterday YOU NEVER CALLED YOUR FATHER ON HIS BIRTHDAY. So what!!! 

Now I am just waiting for him to die. He keeps having heart attacks but never dies. Evil never dies though. He also has diabetes, and I wanted to buy him candy for xmas.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Have you considered the possibility of moving out with your son temporarily - 6 months to a year? Tell your husband that you want to give him the best opportunity to overcome those fears that he says control his life but that are making everyone miserable. By forcing him to face them, you're giving him a chance to find ways to focus his energy elsewhere and that if he manages to make his life something he's proud of, that you'll be happy to return. Offer to date him once or twice a week so he'll understand it's not total rejection and abandonment but is "tough love" instead.


I have thought about that, for the exact reasons you said. To give him a chance to see that he won't die without me attached at the hip. I think it would really be a good thing for both of us, because as I've said in other threads, I think I've become so enmeshed with his needs that I've lost a sense of who I am as an individual person. Getting some time apart would help me to be able to refocus and learn to set healthy boundaries for myself. 

But...I don't know if I can afford to live somewhere else for that long if I truly intend to come back home. Practical things, besides the cost of rent, like I would need furniture, cookware, etc. I suppose it would be easier to move in with a family member or friend for a while, but I don't have any that I would be comfortable living with.

And then I go back to the question...is this just delaying the inevitable? How many more months or years do I wait/think/agonize/try different things to get some peace of mind about the course of my marriage?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I have thought about that, for the exact reasons you said. To give him a chance to see that he won't die without me attached at the hip. I think it would really be a good thing for both of us, because as I've said in other threads, I think I've become so enmeshed with his needs that I've lost a sense of who I am as an individual person. Getting some time apart would help me to be able to refocus and learn to set healthy boundaries for myself.
> 
> But...I don't know if I can afford to live somewhere else for that long if I truly intend to come back home. Practical things, besides the cost of rent, like I would need furniture, cookware, etc. I suppose it would be easier to move in with a family member or friend for a while, but I don't have any that I would be comfortable living with.
> 
> And then I go back to the question...is this just delaying the inevitable? How many more months or years do I wait/think/agonize/try different things to get some peace of mind about the course of my marriage?


Exactly. It's not so easy to move out for 6 months while you work on the marriage and hope H learns to stand on his own two feet for once. You have to search for a decent place that's not too depressing yet not too expensive, come up with deposits, get a furnished place or buy new furniture, pay for movers if you don't have a truck and a bunch of friends to help, etc. etc.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

He may never get better (my brother, who is also a psychologist, has fought it for 25 years), and you have to be OK with this.

That's the hard part. Feeling responsible for his well-being. Worrying that if you leave he'll take his own life. But you are not his savior - no one, and possibly nothing is. 

His part of the bargain is to work as hard as possible to get better, which includes working tirelessly with a psychiatrist and staying medicated. Which STILL may not work. At some point, reality will come home and you'll see what the future holds. It sounds like you're already there. 

Rational people do reasonable things for their relationship. BD people are not rational, at least part of the time. Sometimes, nothing on earth can make them.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> So, as I've discussed at length in my other threads, I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage.


It is interesting that you have multiple threads on this same issue.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

captainkbt said:


> It is interesting that you have multiple threads on this same issue.


Yes, many of my threads overlap in subject content, I know. It's been therapeutic for me to post up my thoughts as they come to me. Sorry for the duplication. I'm just working through my issues as best as I can.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Husband and I had an argument last night that turned into a long discussion of our marital problems. We didn't talk about all if them, by any means, but we at least acknowledged that we're both unhappy with our marriage. 

My H carries a lot of resentment towards me about things he's upset about but he doesn't tell me until it comes out months or years later in an argument. Basically he said that I've changed a lot in the past year or two...I'm more assertive, more outgoing, etc than I was when we married. He says he misses the "sweet, coy, shy" me that he married. He doesn't like that I've gotten into doing more things that are fitness related, because he can't do that with me. He is jealous that his friends, who are our age or older and have been married 20+ years, have befriended me. Any joking they we do openly on Facebook that they participate in he sees as me flirting with them. If I was flirting, would I do it on Facebook with men who both of us have as friends, along with their wives? But because he is jealous about it, I'm going to curtail my Facebook participation (which isn't much as it is). It's not worth him getting upset about. 

After a LONG conversation, we got back to what we can do to not stay stuck like we are. I said I wanted us to go to counseling. He said "I don't even know what you'd want to talk about with a counselor" :slap:. I said, "Um...everything we just got done talking about for the last hour?" He very reluctantly agreed. He said he knows he'll just get blamed for stuff and he'll try to work on things but he'll fail then I'll leave him. I told him is he goes into it with that attitude, then he's right. I asked him if he would go willingly as a way to work on our marriage, because if he's just doing it to get me off his back, then I want to know that up front. He said he'd try. We have a LONG road ahead of us.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Yes, many of my threads overlap in subject content, I know. It's been therapeutic for me to post up my thoughts as they come to me. Sorry for the duplication. I'm just working through my issues as best as I can.


No need to apologize, whatever works for you. But Im just wondering if you keep talking about it and never DOING anything about it, if you are just looking more for attention than actually seeking helpful adivce to deal with your issue. There has been much helpful advice with many people giving the same helpful advice in each of the threads......and then you start a new one basically complaining about the same thing in a different way. Advice is meaningless if you dont use it. Are you acting on the advice of your therapist?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe you keep posting in different threads because you are hoping for the magic bullet, for someone to tell you what needs to happen to make it alright. 
I don't know your whole situation but of he's willing to go to MC that's huge.
So it seems the base of his issue is that he can't take responsibility for his actions or mistakes. He seems to have such a fear of being abandoned of he is blamed. Instead of seeing that he can own it and fix it he runs away. 
Has he tried any "official" weight loss programs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

If he is not willing to help himself, he can't expect you to sacrifice your life helping him. As they say on the show Intervention, "Don't love him to death". You leaving may or may not be the wake up call he needs, but what you are doing now is also not working. Give the counseling a shot but don't be afraid to have a bottom line. As you have alluded to, leaving may be best for you both.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

captainkbt said:


> No need to apologize, whatever works for you. But Im just wondering if you keep talking about it and never DOING anything about it, if you are just looking more for attention than actually seeking helpful adivce to deal with your issue. There has been much helpful advice with many people giving the same helpful advice in each of the threads......and then you start a new one basically complaining about the same thing in a different way. Advice is meaningless if you dont use it. Are you acting on the advice of your therapist?


If you read my post above yours, you'll see that I did convince my H to go to therapy, which is what my therapist has advised me to do. It's taken a lot of work on my own personal issues (codependent thinking, low self-esteem) through IC to even get to the point of asking my H to go to therapy. 

No, I am not posting here "just to get attention" and "not doing anything about it". I'm reading, thinking, absorbing, sorting through lots of information and thoughts. Having lived 19 years in a marriage where my needs are always 2nd (or don't exist), it's taken quite a bit of hashing and rehashing things over in my head to try to get the right way of thinking. The threads I've made on TAM have been similar, yes, but sometimes it's approaching a problem from a different perspective that really helps me see what's going on. I truly do appreciate all the input I've gotten from people on TAM...I don't dismiss it out of hand. It does mean something to me, which is why I have made the posts I have.


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