# What does your partner do that makes you happy?



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

My wife and I are opposites on the 5 languages of love. I am like most guys physical touch and words of affirmation. She is acts of service and quality time. 

I have tried to explain to her what makes me happy but I struggle so much with what makes her happy. She says doing the dishes, laundry, putting the kids to bed. But I guess my major problem has been trying to help with these things to get some kind of love response and not receiving much other than a thank you. I have sought out a councilor and I understand that is wrong thinking but I can’t get past it. 

For anyone who has this of love language what do you notice from your partner when they are trying to give to you?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

My wife says she wants "help". We have no children at home anymore, but the dishes, laundry, fixing things, will always get me a "thank you" - but I'm a little bit like a stand-up comic whose audience looks at him with a blank face and says "...that's humor....I recognize that...."....

Honestly,, I have no idea when my wife tries to "give to" me. I'm like you, physical touch and words of affirmation. She tells me that I'm a "good man" and "she's lucky" to have a "good man" - I suppose those are words of affirmation....I guess.... 

I don't really "get it"....


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

TJW said:


> My wife says she wants "help". We have no children at home anymore, but the dishes, laundry, fixing things, will always get me a "thank you" - but I'm a little bit like a stand-up comic whose audience looks at him with a blank face and says "...that's humor....I recognize that...."....
> 
> Honestly,, I have no idea when my wife tries to "give to" me. I'm like you, physical touch and words of affirmation. She tells me that I'm a "good man" and "she's lucky" to have a "good man" - I suppose those are words of affirmation....I guess....
> 
> I don't really "get it"....


Another man in the same boat. Nice to know I’m not alone. I have another post explaining more of my relationship issues. I have been described as a “good man” also. Nice guys seem to finish last a lot. I’m not that bad but feel that way.


----------



## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

This was about love languages... right now, thanks to his work-related stress, mine (physical touch/words of affirmation) are running a little low... 

But, what about him makes me swoon -

In the big scale of things -
Well, he is not just a good provider, but the best provider I could've asked for. His attitude about it and the respect he commands because of that is praiseworthy.
He is 100% self-made, who climbed up the ladder owing to sheer hard work. Makes wise financial decisions, will never borrow money, but has no qualms lending. Despite my advising him on the contrary, he's fished my parents out of abject financial ruin (dad!!!) several times. Helped many others overtime too. And he NEVER keeps scores, or ever reminds me/anyone of what he's done for them. That magnanimity is alpha as hell to me! 
And yes, I tell him this at least a couple of times a month. 

The littler things - 
If I am in genuine pain, however tired he is, he'll willingly sit up to give me a self-taught physiotherapy-style massage. Has saved me hundreds of pounds over the years because he is genuinely better than any sports masseuses I have been to. 
Yes, I have told him this too. "Magic hands" I've nicknamed his palms. 0


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

Zing said:


> This was about love languages... right now, mine (physical touch/words of affirmation) are running a little low... what about him makes me swoon -
> 
> In the big scale of things -
> Well, he is not just a good provider, but the best provider I could've asked for. His attitude about it and the respect he commands because of that is praiseworthy.
> ...


That is awesome story of love. Hope to be able to achieve that one day. I’m not self made but of decent means so my wife stays at home. Just hoping to find better ways to support her so maybe she will wake up and want me more. Thanks for the success story. Knee up the good work!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When I was happily married, just their sheer listening to me did more for me than anything else in the world!

And couple that with my ability to do the very same thing for them!*


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The thread title looked interesting b/c my spouse makes me very happy, but when I saw the reference to the self-help book I thought better of it.

I know my blood type, but I don't know if I have a love language or even a dialect.

I suspect there are marriage self-help books that don't make TV infomercials look credible by comparison, but until I actually behold such a beast it's only faith.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

HonestGuy84 said:


> My wife and I are opposites on the 5 languages of love. I am like most guys physical touch and words of affirmation. She is acts of service and quality time.
> 
> I have tried to explain to her what makes me happy but I struggle so much with what makes her happy. She says doing the dishes, laundry, putting the kids to bed. But I guess my major problem has been trying to help with these things to get some kind of love response and not receiving much other than a thank you. I have sought out a councilor and I understand that is wrong thinking but I can’t get past it.
> 
> For anyone who has this of love language what do you notice from your partner when they are trying to give to you?


 @HonestGuy84,

I am going to answer your post in two ways: #1) What we do to speak each other's love languages, and #2) Some examples of "Acts of Service" that a person with that love language might notice. 

#1: My Beloved Hubby and I are ecstatically married. We are older folks (57yo), our kids are grown and out of the house, and we connect on so many levels it's amazing. We are blessed to have very similar love languages: Physical Touch and Quality Time. He leans a little toward Acts of Service...I lean toward Words of Affirmation. 

Obviously for me, my hubby cuddles and hugs and kisses, and when we spend time together, we are very present and share and talk. Boom--love languages met! He also will speak out loud the things he appreciates or admires or just general positive things I did that he liked, etc. so he makes a good effort toward meeting my top languages. 

For HIM, I also hold his hand, give massages, cuddle and cuddle and cuddle some more...and when we spend time together I have a phrase for it: I am jealous of OUR time and being sacred. We do a lot of fun things together. Boom--love languages met! And since he also leans toward Acts of Service, here's how I make an effort to meet that language: I don't "help" him. In a household, every mature adult has to contribute to the chores. So I do my own chores, and I work from home so I do many of the day-to-day chores like laundry or dishes. He tends more to the "handyman" chores like fixing or painting. But I don't think those are "Acts of Service"--that's just life. Each one needs to keep up on their own stuff. Nope, "Acts of Service" to my mind is more like anticipating something that will be hard for them and gathering all the tools they'll need...or hearing they want to do this or that project, and surprising them by doing it for them...or doing a little extra thing like "I noticed your windshield was dirty so I drove the car through a carwash for ya." 

#2: Again, I'd like to point out that "helping your wife with the kids" or "helping your wife with the dishes" or "helping your wife with the laundry" is not likely to illicit a love response because those are everyday chores in a household to which each mature adult has to contribute. You aren't really "helping" her--they are YOUR children too, and as the dad you should be able to do the homework, give them a bath, and get them to bed same as the mom. The dinner was YOUR dinner too, and you should be able to MAKE it and CLEAN UP AFTER it same as her. Right? You get it. 

So, "Acts of Service" is more about thinking of thoughtful little things you can do for (or to) your spouse that are are extra. No I don't mean they take advantage of you and make you their slave! I mean, like one weekend get up and make her breakfast in bed. Or volunteer to take the dog for a walk so she can have an hour to herself. Or you know that repair she's been nagging you about? Either do it or get a handyman yourself and take care of it. 

For me, it's Beloved Hubby who likes the little Acts of Service. I bake for him--he loves that. I make homemade baking powder biscuits, and banana oatmeal bars that are a cross between banana bread and oatmeal cookies--and they are VERY low in sugar! I put a love note in his lunch every day. I let him pick dinner every day because it's all food--if he can eat what he likes and is all happy from that, what do I care? I don't! LOL. I hand him his towel as he gets out of the shower. If he mentions he needs this or that--I just get it for him (and I know his sizes and favorite colors). He loves "puttering" at home, and I'm not greatly skilled but I can hammer a nail and I can hand him the level or the tool he needs, right? If he says he'd like to "do this" or "go there" sometimes I do it and surprise him...sometimes we just get at it together! The point of all of these Acts of Service is looking for small opportunities to pamper them a little bit or maybe just be kind.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Zing said:


> This was about love languages... right now, thanks to his work-related stress, mine (physical touch/words of affirmation) are running a little low...
> 
> But, what about him makes me swoon -
> 
> ...


HonestGuy says he likes this and would appreciate it coming from his wife, but the subtext of his text is more like he agrees with TJW and this kind of stuff, "You're a great provider" and "You're wonderful and generous" and "You have magic hands," just doesn't cut it. It almost seems from what they are saying, if her words of affirmation are not "Let's get busy" or "You're a stud in bed" or something to that effect, then they don't need them. Makes me wonder how your husband feels about what you consider to be words of affirmation, appreciation, and praise. Do they say they want it but it doesn't mean anything to them? When you get down to what actually matters, is sex the only thing?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

HonestGuy84 said:


> My wife and I are opposites on the 5 languages of love. I am like most guys physical touch and words of affirmation. She is acts of service and quality time.


This is the exact same love language dynamic in my house. We however do not have any issues in regards to it.

We both recognize that we are different in this area and want to met each other on their owns terms.

The effort we put into it shows each other that we care for one another. I believe that is the difference. WE WANT our partner to get it how they want it.

Not having a reciprocal expectation because of it can go a long way. 

I'll admit this ... getting to that point can be a struggle but its worth the effort. It depends largely on the relationship dynamics between you and your wife.

I turn up the dating game and acts of service for her , she turns up the hot sex for me.

It's not a "covert contract" such as I did this so you must do xyz for me.

We never had any real problems in marriage but the sex wasn't what I wanted for some years. I started reading the books, coming to this site, etc etc. 

I had success where others have not because we didn't have any big issues to begin with and our communications skills are very good with each other.

Take note that this was a two year process and was 2 steps forward with one step back.

Now things are hot and heavy all the time .... it's fun to give your partner what they need and want.

Like I said: With us it was easy because we had no real issues.

Also ..... I'm very alpha type .....pulling that extra desire out of her was not that difficult, but I had to learn what I was doing wrong first.



What does she do for me that I love: On the couch I'll put my arms under her legs and lay my head on her lower stomach .... then she runs her fingers through my hair
until I fall asleep. We do this often but is a tradition we have right before I leave for one month of work on the other side of the world.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Take note that this was a two year process and was 2 steps forward with one step back.


He wants it right away and has been pressuring her to force her into it.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I are also polar opposites, in both love languages and just about anything else you can think of :rofl: 

Yet we work so well together and our relationship is so easy, go figure.

My top two love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Receiving gifts is lowest on the scale for me.

Hubby's top love language is Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.

I love him so much, tell him this often and thank him for everything he does for me. And I am absolutely genuine in my gratitude - and he knows that. I am so very lucky, and so is he (I know he would say this, I know him so well).

I appreciate him for so many things - being a good provider because that lets me stay at home; carrying the baskets of clean washing upstairs for me because he knows it hurts my back - I don't ask him to do this, he just does it; running the mop over the floor for me when he gets home from work, again because he knows it hurts my back - I did ask him to do this for me once and now he just does it without me asking. Maybe it was the thankyou and the act of service he received that night for it :rofl:

He appreciates me for going to the effort of finding creative, tasty, healthy meals for him following his heart attack...rather than just serve up plain 'ol bland slop lol. He also appreciates me for loving our home and looking after our daughter (my stepdaughter) who has special needs, I home school her and take her to all her appointments. I know he's grateful for that - there's been times when I've had a rough day at home with her (melt downs etc.) or just sheer exhaustion from running around to appointments all day, that when he's come in from work he's taken one look at me, directed me to "sit down, now", brought me a hot cuppa and then organised tea/dinner.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I both feel and express love via affection and thankfully, so does my boyfriend. After so many touch free years with my STBXH I was starved for some physical touch. It's been like someone finally gave me a glass of water after 5 days in the desert with none. 

After that, I use acts of service to show my love. He recently made a joke saying how much I love to shop because I showed up at his apartment with some honey. I knew he was out and I was doing my own shopping and it was on sale so I bought him 2. I explained I didn't buy it because I love to shop but because I knew he prefers it to sugar and he was out. I actually hate shopping so the fact that I shopped for him really shows my love. LOL

It's funny how we can do something that to US is a clear way of expressing our feelings but the other person just doesn't take it that way. I was talking to the guy I almost married last year around this time. I mentioned I had made a certain dish every year for my STBXH for Thanksgiving and he scoffed and asked why I'd do it year after year if I didn't eat it myself. I explained it was because I loved him and pointed out I used to make something special for him every year too. He got very sad and said "you made that because you loved me? God, I wish I'd known that then." It really never occurred to him that's why I made it. 

It NEVER occurred to me that someone wouldn't understand that was a way for me to show my love. It's made me wonder how many things I missed from my STBXH over the years or could be missing from my boyfriend now. It's kind of sad to think about to be honest.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My wife and I are opposites in just about everything, and our love languages are no exception. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation, and hers are physical touch and quality time. 

So, she does things for me, and I do things for her. It's not a one-way street. BUT, big but, we don't do things for each other and expect something in return. Making covert contracts won't make anyone happy. You do things for your spouse because it makes them feel happy and loved, which makes the relationship better, not to get sex or whatever else you expect from washing the dishes. 

She needed me to touch her more. So we hold hands whenever we're out, or when we're cuddling. I hug her and/or kiss her when I go into the same room as her. If I go out, I acknowledge her with physical touch when I get home. We cuddle all night while we're in bed. Every morning we lay in bed for a while, cuddling and talking, before getting up with the kids. Sometimes we lay in bed again after the kids are at school, to have a bit more time together. 

She needed more time spent together and more quality time together. So we go for walks together. We walk the kids to/from school together on certain days, and those few minutes are more important than they seem. My kids go to family every Saturday for a sleepover so that we have time alone. Since we are both home most of the time and my work schedule is flexible, we go on dates during the day while the kids are at school. We run errands together, even if it'd be easier for me to go alone. For more time together in general, she spends time with me while I'm working from home. We don't usually talk, but we sit next to each other doing our own thing. For me, that's FAR more bonding than anything else. I love doing that. She doesn't like watching sports on TV, but it gives her time to be with me and cuddle. It's not quality time together since I'm totally distracted, but it's time together and a compromise. 

For me...

For acts of service, IMO, it's the stuff that goes above and beyond the daily chores/routines. The stuff that isn't expected but appreciated. I don't know if I've ever acknowledged what my wife has done for our house/kids over the years as acts of service. To me, it's all the additional stuff. In the winter, if I have to work in the morning, she will get up early and shovel, brush off the vehicles, etc, so that I don't have to. If I have to load stuff in the car for work, she does that before I get up. On days that will be rushed, she finds all my work stuff ready for me. Every morning she starts making my coffee. If I'm up she will bring it to me, or if I'm not up, she will have it ready to go (beans ground, turns on the kettle so it heats up much faster when I'm ready). Throughout the day she will make coffee when she can tell I need it, she hears it in my voice apparently. Somedays she will make breakfast and bring it to me while I'm working (from home). She helps with my work whenever she can (highlighting things, sorting, etc). The other day I had 350 folders that had to be put together (papers stapled and put in, cards put in, stickered). She saw that it needed to be done and she did that for me, without me asking or even knowing until I saw them sitting on my desk. If I need some peace and quiet she takes the kids to the park, a walk, etc. For chores, if I'm sick or injured, she will do my portion of the chores without hesitation. Or sometimes she will do mine for me when she thinks I need a break. Sometimes she turns off my alarm, tells the kids to be quiet and does all of the morning stuff alone so I can sleep in. 

For words of affirmation, she compliments me often and genuinely. She doesn't just say "You're a good parent/husband/etc" or "You look good", she goes into the "why" and specifics. She is encouraging and she knows how to talk to me for those words to really matter. She is appreciative and makes an effort to show appreciation for the things I do for her that I find difficult. She leaves notes lying around or tucked in my pockets so that I'll see them later. When she gives me cards, she uses up every speck of space to write meaningful things. When I used to travel a lot for work, she would leave a card in my suitcase. Recently when she wasn't at home during the week, she left notes in various pockets so that I'd find them throughout the week. What she writes on those notes and cards is heartfelt and genuine, not forced. Recently we had the kids at a park, and they had a small aerial obstacle course for kids. My son wanted to do it but once he was up there he was scared. I encouraged him through it, he finished the course and he was happy. My wife took a video of the whole thing, which I thought was stupid at the time. When we came home, she put all the clips together, edited it, sent it to me, and told me to LISTEN to it. It didn't have much to do with my son doing the course, it was an acknowledgment of how good I was at getting my son through that, and she wanted me to hear and see what she does. 

Not every day is perfect. We can both slack off or miss things the other person did. Sometimes I misinterpret things that she does. Or some things that she does, such as putting her hand on my leg while I drive, is a way that she shows/feels love but it annoys me. So we find compromises that work for both of us. It's a work in progress for us.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> HonestGuy84 said:
> 
> 
> > My wife and I are opposites on the 5 languages of love. I am like most guys physical touch and words of affirmation. She is acts of service and quality time.
> ...



Very good insight and I appreciate the help. What your describing is detail about those languages that I needed. Thanks for your help. Wish my wife took the interest in my languages that I’m taking in hers. That’s the hardest part.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

StarFires said:


> Zing said:
> 
> 
> > This was about love languages... right now, thanks to his work-related stress, mine (physical touch/words of affirmation) are running a little low...
> ...


Sex is not the only thing. Been appreciated is to me. The words of affirmation are almost missing more than the sex. As my wife has told me many times over this journey “we have not had more or less sex our whole married life.” I have just been looking for ways to maybe spice it up. Make passion come back into the bedroom. Along the journey i found out about love languages so I’m trying to find out what makes her tick and myself. Didn’t know how opposite we are so just looking for insight. Also have understood that I don’t jnow what I want exactly other than a closer relationship with my wife. Details of that and how that looks are not determined.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> HonestGuy84 said:
> 
> 
> > My wife and I are opposites on the 5 languages of love. I am like most guys physical touch and words of affirmation. She is acts of service and quality time.
> ...


Thanks for the encouragement. We are poor at communicating right now and I’m just trying to search things out to make things last. We don’t have any real problems my wife will even say that. My Theorpist tells me to stop keeping a Talley. You mentioned something like that in your comments. I started doing that this weekend. It seems to have helped. Doing less around the house has eased her tensions. She even mentioned Saturday “you have been really good and calm today.” So my journey continues to try and learn her. I haven’t really felt like she wants anything to change. So her understanding of how to support me better is a struggle but she is taking baby steps.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

bobert said:


> My wife and I are opposites in just about everything, and our love languages are no exception. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation, and hers are physical touch and quality time.
> 
> So, she does things for me, and I do things for her. It's not a one-way street. BUT, big but, we don't do things for each other and expect something in return. Making covert contracts won't make anyone happy. You do things for your spouse because it makes them feel happy and loved, which makes the relationship better, not to get sex or whatever else you expect from washing the dishes.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your story. I’m learning a lot through experiences like yours. Cheers and keep up the good work.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I both feel and express love via affection and thankfully, so does my boyfriend. After so many touch free years with my STBXH I was starved for some physical touch. It's been like someone finally gave me a glass of water after 5 days in the desert with none.
> 
> After that, I use acts of service to show my love. He recently made a joke saying how much I love to shop because I showed up at his apartment with some honey. I knew he was out and I was doing my own shopping and it was on sale so I bought him 2. I explained I didn't buy it because I love to shop but because I knew he prefers it to sugar and he was out. I actually hate shopping so the fact that I shopped for him really shows my love. LOL
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reflective share. I can see some points in here where I can be more observant. Good luck on your journey.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

HonestGuy84 said:


> Sex is not the only thing. Been appreciated is to me. The words of affirmation are almost missing more than the sex. As my wife has told me many times over this journey “we have not had more or less sex our whole married life.” I have just been looking for ways to maybe spice it up. Make passion come back into the bedroom. Along the journey i found out about love languages so I’m trying to find out what makes her tick and myself. Didn’t know how opposite we are so just looking for insight. Also have understood that I don’t jnow what I want exactly other than a closer relationship with my wife. Details of that and how that looks are not determined.


It's these mixed signals I keep getting from you, and I imagine your wife does too because each time you say you want one thing, you make it obvious that more sex is your goal. You did it at least twice in this one paragraph. I'm not going back to your other thread to count the numerous times you did it there. So you either need to get real with yourself or focus your effort in a more sincere way because you're not fooling your wife as I told you before. As long as you keep showing her that everything you do and everything you say is only to get her to have sex more often, it's not going to work. You make yourself look like a fraud in her esteem by making her feel like your personal piece of meat. 

Others have also told you to stop trying so hard to earn or buy sex from your wife, but you're not listening to any of us. Dr. Harley says sex is a negotiation, which is true. There ARE things your wife needs that are required of you in order to get what you want. But you're too unfocused and too pressuring to make that work. So, I'm going to paraphrase someone's advise from your other thread: do what you need to do to strengthen your marriage "without expecting anything in return." That is the real meaning of unconditional love and what sincere effort looks like.


----------



## HonestGuy84 (Nov 8, 2019)

StarFires said:


> HonestGuy84 said:
> 
> 
> > Sex is not the only thing. Been appreciated is to me. The words of affirmation are almost missing more than the sex. As my wife has told me many times over this journey “we have not had more or less sex our whole married life.” I have just been looking for ways to maybe spice it up. Make passion come back into the bedroom. Along the journey i found out about love languages so I’m trying to find out what makes her tick and myself. Didn’t know how opposite we are so just looking for insight. Also have understood that I don’t jnow what I want exactly other than a closer relationship with my wife. Details of that and how that looks are not determined.
> ...


Similar conversation I had with my Theorpist this week. Not this in depth but less focused on keeping a Talley and creating a better environment. 

Thanks for your help! It is much appreciated.


----------

