# How do I get the guy I'm dating to carry a conversation more?



## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I have been dating a guy exclusively for a few weeks. We see each other fairly regularly about 4 times a week. We go out on dates and then also hang out at home. So a bit of both. I can't go out all the time as I have a 6 yr old so during the week nights he usually comes over and we save the outings for a weekend. When he comes over we watch a movie or have a beer together and have a small amount of banter, lots of kisses and cuddles (not yet sex) and just some playful banter here and there.

The date we had on the weekend was a fun date. We both went on the Slingshot at an amusement park then went off for a lovely dinner and then a walk on the beach then back home where we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep. The vibe I am getting is that he 100% digs me romantically and is always initiating the times he comes over to see me, sends me good morning and good night texts every single day and he really is a sweet caring soul. I totally dig him too.

However I find that most times the conversation is initiated and led by me and carried by me and if I stop or I run out of things to talk about he doesn't really say much more. There have been heaps of times I have said something which could have been a good conversation had he have noticed the lead in and took the reigns and conversated back on that particular topic.

I feel like its a bit of work on my part to keep opening up and leading the conversation as well as keeping it going. I'm only human and eventually I run out of things to talk about and then I find myself stressing out because it just goes very quiet and at times we are practically just sitting there staring at each other so I end up kissing him a lot because it just feels awkward to do nothing at all.

He seems to have a good friendship circle but I'm not sure how he engages with others due to the newness of us getting together. I asked him if I make him nervous & he said that I don't. What can I do here to get the communication flowing?

He is a really great caring genuine guy, I can see that maybe he is naturally reserved. He respects me and is a gentleman. I do like him quite alot to be honest and don't want to give up before it even starts because he is quiet.

We have socialised together with people from the social group we met through and he appears to have fun, will have a drink and be openly affectionate with me, it's just the lack of conversation that concerns me a little.

Any pointers people?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lululu said:


> I have been dating a guy exclusively for a few weeks. We see each other fairly regularly about 4 times a week. We go out on dates and then also hang out at home. So a bit of both. I can't go out all the time as I have a 6 yr old so during the week nights he usually comes over and we save the outings for a weekend. When he comes over we watch a movie or have a beer together and have a small amount of banter, lots of kisses and cuddles (not yet sex) and just some playful banter here and there.
> 
> The date we had on the weekend was a fun date. We both went on the Slingshot at an amusement park then went off for a lovely dinner and then a walk on the beach then back home where we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep. The vibe I am getting is that he 100% digs me romantically and is always initiating the times he comes over to see me, sends me good morning and good night texts every single day and he really is a sweet caring soul. I totally dig him too.
> 
> ...


*First off, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you in your quest to get him to open up to you!

How are his conversational skills in a group setting? Perhaps he's not the overly talkative type!

Then again, with the newness not quite worn off in your relationship with him, perhaps he's still exhibiting shyness tendencies!

Give him a little more time! I think that he'll eventually open up!

Best of luck to you in your relationship together! *


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Quit starting all the conversations. Silence is ok not every minute has to be filled with talking.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is some of the most loved I have ever felt was with someone who loved me enough they just wanted me to be there beside them. They didn't expect me to entertain them or make their day fun and exciting with my clever conversation.

That said, yes, I totally understand that you want someone that you enjoy talking to. How do you get him to talk more? Just give it a little time. Thing is, if you spend a lot time with a person, you'll get attached to them. Be careful not to get too attached to a person that is not really a good match for you. If you are seeing problems now, they will be greatly exaggerated in the future most likely.

One really needs to be willing to keep looking, if they're going to find a good mate for long term, realizing that nobody is perfect.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Stop talking so much. Seriously. 

I have been with "a talker." Should I ever have a relationship again, I will decidedly NOT get involved with "a talker." I'm can converse and have no problem engaging in long and involved conversations with people. Around talkers, I shut down because they talk too much and it is annoying and overwhelming. I classify "talkers" as people who cannot abide silence and will pretty much say or do anything to avoid it. That's a major red flag for me.

Try just being together and letting him actually start a conversation and then listen with the intent of learning about him, rather than to just respond. Learn to be quiet.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

My mind takes awhile to form thoughts. Sometime we will be talking about something and the conversation turn into a different topic then later I will have a thought and say remember this morning we were talking about ....and then start up again where we left off.

Long pauses during conversation could mean their just in thought.

Now being with someone who never starts conversation would be just as bad as someone who never shut up.

Theres a balance.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lululu said:


> I have been dating a guy exclusively for a few weeks. We see each other fairly regularly about 4 times a week. We go out on dates and then also hang out at home. So a bit of both. I can't go out all the time as I have a 6 yr old so during the week nights he usually comes over and we save the outings for a weekend. When he comes over we watch a movie or have a beer together and have a small amount of banter, lots of kisses and cuddles (not yet sex) and just some playful banter here and there.
> 
> The date we had on the weekend was a fun date. We both went on the Slingshot at an amusement park then went off for a lovely dinner and then a walk on the beach then back home where we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep. The vibe I am getting is that he 100% digs me romantically and is always initiating the times he comes over to see me, sends me good morning and good night texts every single day and he really is a sweet caring soul. I totally dig him too.
> 
> ...


Give him time to get used to you, however if conversation is important to you and he doesn't change then don't stay with him. It will not get better and you will grow to resent it. Some folks are just not talkers, you can't change that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you ask him? He may realize that he isn't a "talker" and may just tell you that. You should mention about how conversations help you learn about each other, and if HE doesn't talk about things, how would you get to do that? Mention these conversations are important (not the TOPIC, but that he is willing to have them) to you, and see what he has to say about it?

If you've been around each other long enough, you SHOULD be able to have these types of conversations -- about the relationship/interactions with each other.

If you can't, then that should already tell you something...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He seems to be not much of a talker. A lot of people aren't. Give it more time and if nothing changes then you can decide whether he's really right for you.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

What are you talking about when you do talk? Are there natural places for him to contribute? If you are telling a story about your child, what can he say about that if he doesn't have a kid? if talking about work, is there anything he can add? Talking about politics, is he comfortable saying what he thinks or does he fear it would upset you? 

Silence might be uncomfortable but it won't kill you and might open up space for him to talk. When he does talk, let him finish and show you are interested. "There is a difference between listening and waiting your turn to speak" (Simon Sinek).


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You said you met through a social group, did he converse in that group?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't think you can make someone conversate(converse) when they are not the conversationalist. 

He may be an introvert and it takes all he can to just go out. He just may not have much to say. 

Here's a thought. Does he read? If he reads anything, he has something to talk about. If he doesn't read what you read, and I'm not suggesting he be forced or cajoled to do that, he may not have anything to say about the subject you introduce.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Sounds like a compatibility issue.

There is nothing wrong with being a conversationalist, and enjoying talking with, and getting to know a new person in your life.

And there isn't anything wrong with being an introvert, or someone who prefers to fill space with science.

The problem comes when people have incompatible communication styles. 

I am more of a conversationalist - I am that person who regularly strikes up conversations with strangers, enjoys stimulating discussions etc. It doesn't mean I must fill all voids, or that I am running from something - just like it doesn't mean that an introvert has no thoughts or is scared to join a discussion - it's just a different style.

I can tell you - I have had short lived relationships where conversation did not come naturally, yet I can't recall ever having an akward silence with my husband. We both like to gab!


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

It seems like he is not too talkative by nature. Every person has a different nature so don't worry if he is not a conversationalist. If he understands you, cares for you, loves you and most importantly loyal to you then he is perfect for you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its possible he just isn't naturally talkative. That isn't necessarily a problem if you are compatible in conversation, but how big an issue it is is up to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Has he expressed an interest in a specific pastime or hobby, such as working on cars or hiking ... whatever? Getting him to discuss something that interests him is a starter.

OTOH, he may not be a talker. If that's the case, I have no pointers to offer. You can't change him. Only he can change himself. How old is he? If he's older and set in his ways, the chance of him becoming a talker is slim to none.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

As a relatively quiet person I agree with the other posters. My wife is a talker, and me, not so much. We talk enough for her to be fulfilled, and we’re quiet at times enough for me to be fulfilled. We both know that if it was all talking all the time that i’d Eventually be out. Same goes for the quiet.
We balance each other out in this and other ways. We both have strengths to learn from each other. If she tried to make me the same as her (or vice versa), it would never work.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Websites like this one are filled with people always trying to change others and making someone conform to being the way they want a person to be. You are a talker, which you have a right to be however you are. He's not a talker and has as much right to be that way. Why was figuring out a way to change him your first thought and effort? Consider that a more talkative guy is what you need, and this guy may not be right for you, rather than finding a way to change him into someone that he isn't.

You have been dating this guy for only a few weeks. You shouldn't even be talking about how much you like him. You should still be in scrutiny mode and determining who he is and what he's about. His general silence and reluctance to engage or divulge much of anything about himself to you should be a mild red flag to at least know that "a sweet and caring soul" is probably a premature determination. It could also mean he's not very smart or astute enough to carry the conversations on the subjects you bring up. These are the things you have to take the time to determine before convincing yourself you like him, or you'll soon convince yourself you luuuuv him without knowing what there is to love.

Slow your roll and observe for a long time. Rather than trying to change him, spend a lot of time and effort learning as much about him as you can. Do background checks and check to see if he's on the sex offenders list. And these days, I'd hire an investigator to learn as much about him as I can because you can't depend on conversations and what a guy tells you anyway. Those are just words, and he would naturally spend this early stage of meeting and dating trying to impress you. So, of course he wants you to think he's a wonderful "sweet and caring soul." You're thinking exactly the way he wants you to think. If he's a terrible person that robbed banks or beat up past girlfriends, those truths aren't anything he will tell you, but they certainly are the types of things you should be trying to find out. It would be worth the money if you can afford it at all. You need to snoop in his life, and he would have no way of knowing you are the one snooping.

Break yourself out of the common mold of the way people meet, fall in love, and then start trying to change each other. Way too many women end up regretting that. Be smart enough to keep your eyes open and do your homework before letting your guard down.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, it certainly could be that he doesn't respect you or like the subjects you bring up. That would cause him to keep his mouth shut. 

Read about the signs of an abusive man and you will have a better understanding of what to look out for in his behavior. Be aware, it can make you overly cautious, but maybe that isn't a bad thing as long as you don't accuse anyone without proof.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi, lululu Sorry for ur problem. I may be wrong but it seems almost like u are auditioning. Like ur company isn't good enough. You start a conversation on general subjects then drill down to a common interest. You are either sharing info, receiving info or comingling info. Don't work so hard. Good luck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You need to be comfortable with silence.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You've been around him for a few weeks. He is the quiet type, and he is not going to change into a talker. This already bothers you, and you're needing more verbal interaction. it will only bother you more as the years add up. It sounds like the two of you are not a good match.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Websites like this one are filled with people always trying to change others and making someone conform to being the way they want a person to be. You are a talker, which you have a right to be however you are. He's not a talker and has as much right to be that way. Why was figuring out a way to change him your first thought and effort? Consider that a more talkative guy is what you need, and this guy may not be right for you, rather than finding a way to change him into someone that he isn't.


I agree with this. Why on earth are you trying to change him? If you need him to change, you don't need him. Either you like him as is or you don't.


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