# Recently separated, confused, wife wants to remain friends



## Pulp (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I've recently separated from my wife. She is back in the States to complete her studies and I am in the UK preparing for a new job. We've always had a destructive cycle of a relationship - not helped by being separated by distance at various time in our relationship (we have been together 6 years and married for 4). 

She has been home for three months now and after some more arguments she said that she wants to separate. In the meantime I carried on with my life and recieved a job offer which means a move to a new location. We carried on speaking every day but for the most part it was tortuous, hostile or just hanging on the phone for an hour without saying much at all.

The other weekend she didn't pick up my call or return it for a couple of days. I asked where she had been and she responded by saying "why, we're separated"? 

It killed me not to call her, but I didn't and she called this morning to ask how I was and that she wants us to be friends. When I asked why she wanted to be friends, she said "that it would be sad if we didn't". I said that I didn't that would work out, but we'll have a talk about it later on.

Now during our relationship whenever I have been strong and not initiated contact after an argument she has always tried to make contact. I love her very much but I hate all the arguments and instability. The more time I spend away from her (whilst not being pleasant) the more confortable I feel. Whilst the more time we talk and spend together, the more I want. At the minimum the relationship needs rebalancing, from both our sides. 

I'm not sure what to do, how to handle it and I would appreciate any help / advice you can give.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

It always seems strange to me when they are the one who leaves and yet wants to continue remaining friends. My husband is the same too - he left but wants to keep in touch and be friends. I find it hard to accept that. I think that might be their way of coping with their guilt and pain. I think the more you keep in touch at this stage, the harder it will be for you to cope with the loss. It is better to go cold turkey and just don't call her anymore, unless you absolutely need to, such as for settling legal purposes or if you have kids together. One day, down the road, when you are in a happier place and have stop hurting, maybe there is the possibility to be friends again.


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