# Am i on the right path?



## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

So i told my ex that i wont be doing anymore favours for her while she sees her OM. That i was not happy with how she was making me feel and that i wouldnt be supporting her anymore financially. That night we stayed up together till 1am watching a movie together,and she was civil with me, but as soon as i left she was on the phone with the OM. 

The next day she calls me and asks if i will support her financial and if i can do her a favour, i say no, and almost immediately says i cant move back in, and that we wont back together. 

So, am i spending too much time with her? I actually blew off a date with someone else for her but she didnt know this. Also i dont call her unless to return a call about the kids, should i call once in awhile ? I would like her back but am giving her space.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go dark , contact is for children discussions only.

Please the term giving her space is for her to continue the affair with your blessing . Expose her affair far and wide including to the OM's family and friends . Cut off all financials and stop playing nice. Your only focus is your children and you , run a hard 180 on her and get that divorce finalised .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You call her your EX and she's actively dating an OM.

Are you actually divorced? Separated ?

I do think that as long as she is with the OM that you should pull completely out - no money for her (only kids), no help, no shoulder to cry on, nothing.

why? Because you are taking away all the day to day reality from her relationship with the OM. All he has to do is the carefree fun part.

Also, continuing to do anything nice for someone who is cheating on you with an OM, make you just a doormat. Why would she want you back?

not to mention - you've been doing all these things, and yet she is still with the OM. So clearly doing them isn't helping end her cheating is it?


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Thank you for the responses. Ok reading what you've both written does make sense. I am enabling her to get what she wants from me and discard the rest. Its hard though, when i'm there,(i'm staying at my parents right now), i get mixed signals. We'll walk in front of each other naked, or she'll ask me how she looks in clothes. We've even had some "touching", that i initiate,but always to a limit before she pulls away.

We've been separated for 6 months now. If, excuse me, when i go dark, for how long? And shes even brought the other guy around her mother and told her sisters about him. Thank god all 3 dont agree with whats going on, and 2 dont even like the guy. What really grinds me up is when i have to drop off my kid the guys always there. And i know this just reinforces her decision when i argue but it really makes me boil.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Just thought I would share some info with you all....

With the help of my friends (i.e. support group) here and in person, I have come to the conclusion that my WW at 43 is suffering from a Mid Life Crisis. The symptoms are all identical, even the current love affair with an old high school flame.

Keep doing the 180 and make progress for yourself. You cannot help her, she has to help herself. Be the father you want to be for the children! They need some parental figure that is balanced, loving, caring, and understanding. Not a selfish, self centered, all about me parent at this time.

Lay down an agreement with her. #1 is you don't want this man around your children when she has them.
Have her sign it and you so you have some kind of guidelines.

Keep on keeping on!


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

I've made it clear to her that i do not want this person around my kids, but i cant and will not control what she does, i agree with you 100% on being the best i can be for my kids. I just dont get the time with them that i want, between work and her i barely get to see them.

I believe i've started the 180, i've only talked with her recently about the kids, although _*I*_ called her to return the call i missed. One last thing, if she brings up other stuff while were talking about the kids how best do i steer away from it?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

headazed said:


> I believe i've started the 180, i've only talked with her recently about the kids, although _*I*_ called her to return the call i missed. One last thing, if she brings up other stuff while were talking about the kids how best do i steer away from it?


Tell her you don't want to discuss it. Don't be afraid of her.

You need to see the situation for what it is, she is no longer your wife. You are right, do not give her any money or do any favors. That and simply being nice to her is enabling her affair.

When you cut off support and disappear, it requires her to rely on the OM. Over 90% of the time the AP can't take care of the stuff the BS (you) did and the A starts to fall apart. The best thing you can do the help end the A is to drop off the face of the Earth. Ignore everything unless its truly important and when you do have to deal with her, be cold and businesslike. Treat her like a stranger that you don't really care for.

Blow her off, she is NOT a priority. 

You go dark until you stop caring for her or she comes begging for you to talk to her and even then, act like you are doing her a favor.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. She is actively having an A so you are in your right to be angry and cut her out of your life. She doesn't deserve to even talk to you, remember that and believe it.


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

yes I agree, I told my husband to leave and i realise i may have pushed him in to the arms of his ex but you have to have your dignity. Let them have a proper relationship in the real world and sink or swim because at the moment you're just allowing her to have her cake and eat it


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Ok i kind of messed up on the going dark thing this week. She contacted me on msn and i responded and it wasnt about the kids. It was short, but still. Later in the week, we talked again there was an ulterior motive as she asked me to help her out again which i flat out refused. 

I dont know if i screwed up tho. Did i go to far? I was suppose to drop off my daughter yesterday at a certain time, and she didnt get home till very late. We got in a screaming match then cooled, and finally i said i wasnt happy not being able to raise my kids that i wanted to be there as a family again or nothing at all. Also that i wasnt going to take the kids anymore and not going to be at her place for christmas because i didnt feel like i belonged there anymore. She said she was fine without me and to have a good life. 

I really dont want to be away from them but i do just want my family back, i barely see them as it is, but did i go to far...


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

hi headazed, I'm not sure how things work in the US but you must get legal advice and start getting a formal seperation/visitation in place if shes messing you around with the kids. Assuming you are a good father/role model etc your kids have every right to have a full and loving relationship with their dad so you can raise them together thats their right - nothing to do with you or your ex and if she isn't a decent enough mother to see that then go through the court system, if you can.


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

PS please don't threaten to not see the kids I understanmd you must be hurting and frustrated but thats the last thing they need.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like she just wants your money so she gives you crumbs of her time.

Stop doing that. Regain your self respect and blow her off.


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Just an update...

I've been sticking to it, contact only about kids. She calls and leaves messages calling me names and saying im not even her friend and other stuff. I just dont get it, she doesnt want me yet shes blaming me for not being around to do stuff for her? 

I just dont know anymore, do i even want her back, is it nostalgic reasons and to keep the family together, or should i move on and try and make the best of a bad situation.This is more hypothetical venting... or maybe not.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You are doing the right thing. She's pissed because she's not getting anything from you, and you're not her door mat anymore. No, you're not even her friend. You are someone she dumped on and she expects you to continue to be there for this treatment. Friends don't treat friends that way. Friends don't intentionally hurt eachother. She made the first move and you are reacting appropriately to her behavior.

Stay strong and keep it low on the contact. If you continue to ignore her behavior, the wind will fall from her sails.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Yup, her Forest Gump run is losing steam. Watch from afar, and enjoy the show!


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Quick thank you to all who've contributed, i'm beginning to feel better and hopefully can start to contribute and help others.


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Ok, christmas comes around and i dont know what to expect, it starts out stressful as hell but gets better as the day goes on. Well we don't exchange gifts, but we're laughing and getting along great, and even says she doesnt know why i was staying away and not calling!

I help with the cooking and the cleaning and we seem to be going pretty good. Well at the end of the night we watch a movie together, and then we head off to bed, Together! Man was i happy, she was happy, i thought maybe this was a turn around, But we did'nt consummate our relationship.(Mistake maybe?)

Anyways in the morning i had to go, and she says i'll call you when i need you. So the next day i send a text asking how shes doing... no response, later she has the kids call and is extremely agitated when shes on the phone with me. Did i mention she has a friend over when she's doing this? 

I was in the middle of the no contact thing and this darn holiday goes and messes everything up. Sigh back to square one?


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Don't worry about it. Go dark again. She's still feeding off of your support and caring nature. She knows she can always come back to you if things don't work out with her OM. DO NOT LET HER COME BACK EVER. You are not a doormat. You are a great person that deserves better. Believe it Sir.

Remember that a person that truly loves you would NEVER hurt you this way. Never. Grab your balls and move on to better. Easy to say but it has to happen. If you try to reconcile you'll always be that Dude who's wife cheated on him. Think about that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

headazed said:


> We've been separated for 6 months now. If, excuse me, when i go dark, for how long? *And shes even brought the other guy around her mother and told her sisters about him*.


File for divorce and custody and be done.

She has no respect for you and is not at all committed to you or the marriage. 

Be done. Be free. Respect yourself.

She doesn't.


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## RFW (Dec 29, 2011)

I have read your thread and I offer my support and friendship!

If you read my post, I am struggling on the fine line of keeping my love and hope alive in the face of the overwhelming probability that my wife has crossed the line one way or another.

We are not doormats - we are loving people that are being treated with a lack of dignity and compassion.

No matter what our part in the problems might be - to have the most importnat person in our lives treat us with such a lack of respect is below evil.

I do not have answers, as I am in the midst of my problem (please post your opinion if you get a chance), but I will let you now that you might not have been the perfect mate - but no one deserves to be kicked when down.

You are in my prayers!


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

I think fight for your family, i think let her go, i read TW Jackson, i read Mort Fertel. My mind has been up and down, i cant even concentrate. 

Everyday is new emotional crap i gotta deal with. ARGGGGGG. WhyinSC, Jellybeans, RFW Thank you. I need to build myself up again, but i really need 30 days just to figure everything out.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

headazed said:


> I think fight for your family, i think let her go, i read TW Jackson, i read Mort Fertel. My mind has been up and down, i cant even concentrate.
> 
> Everyday is new emotional crap i gotta deal with. ARGGGGGG. WhyinSC, Jellybeans, RFW Thank you. I need to build myself up again, but i really need 30 days just to figure everything out.


No kidding!!! I can relate. For a year now this is what I have been thinking and doing. The roller coaster that these self centered once loving partners put us on is seems to be abusive and controlling, while at the same time they will call us the same thing.

I believe I am on the verge of complete dark and have to get ready mentlly to pull the trigger. 

Sounds like WhyinSC, you and myself are in very similar places.


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

This is me said:


> I believe I am on the verge of complete dark and have to get ready mentlly to pull the trigger.
> 
> Sounds like WhyinSC, you and myself are in very similar places.


Yes your story is very close to mine which I don't have to point out is very sad. I've gone Dark not to mind fug her or to try to win her back but to help me with my mental health. I just cannot let her hurt me anymore. 8 months of this. 16 years of loving her and she completely flips. Losing my family, my house, toys, everything because my partner is a now a selfish, pathetic looser. What the heck happened? No idea. Hope he was worth it...

Going Dark was the best thing I've done. I'm a Man and will not be screwed with like this. Screw her and this BS. I'm out.

Good luck guys.


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

So i've been spending time with my kids, and its been good. Shes been getting more involved with this other person, bringing him around my kids while i'm not there, even having him drive her to pick them up from school. We've been amicable, but she's still disrespectful. She gets angry when i dont tell her where i'm going, when i leave. Then says she doesnt care. Its as if shes waiting for me to meet someone to justify what shes doing. I'm pretty good tho lately. I feel good enough to know that if this is how life will be, i'll be okay,better than that, my children will be and i'll be there for them.


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

Springtime is here, beautiful weather and lots to do. Work has taken a leading role in my life right now. I think its a way to just keep busy and keep moving. I dont see my kids or her at all,well barely. Its strange, i kinda of just get in this routine of work,eat,sleep. I was seeing someone but it just didnt feel right. I miss them... i miss her. 

When we talk on the phone its calmer, i dont know if shes still seeing the other person, i assume she is, but i dont dwell on it. Shes looking stressed and has lost alot of weight. We seem uncomfortable around each other, with uncomfortable silences, joking and awkwardness. Ah well, i'm still here.


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