# this might be end of my marriage :(



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

Hi, 

I'm very new at this site. I have situation with my husband and I'm totally lost at it. W're both 30, been married for 3 years, we got married early, after less than 1 year of knowing each other. we and a lot of ups and downs...but since day one I knew he is special to me. 
Lately we've been having a lot financial problems, we lost our apartment and we currently staying at hotel. To make long story short, he borrowed some money from his best friend, not telling me about it and lied to him what true reason is why he needs money. this friend called me the next morning, asking if something bad happened at the hotel. i said no and why? he said my H came all the way to his house (they live like 1h away) to borrow money. i was in shocked, but ok, i guess he had a reason why he didnt tell me. so we talked about this situation and he asked me to delete convo, he didnt want my husband to know, that he told me he got money from him. i said ok, i didnt want any drama....well now i have a lot of drama 
i have a lot of my personal issues, like being depressed, sad, not seeing anything positive iin this situation, i think im not god enough for my H, etc. a lot of time i pick a fight, just to relase my anger i guess....i know is wrong and im trying to work on that, but i always end up in the dark side. 
so in one of this fight, it slipped out of my mouth how he is borrowing money around....he came to conclusion that i know and he fells betrayed, that i stabbed a knife in his back and he broke up with me. he is not talking about divorce but just being broken up. he says he will help me get my apartment, etc.
i apologized so many time, i really feel stupid for not backing up my H, but i really had no idea what was going on.
do you have any advice? i really dont want to lose him. im a great wife, I never even consider cheating, i dont do anything to hurt him. he is not even mad at his friend, just at me. i cant eat, i dont sleep, im just a mess . any advice is welcome and thanks for listening all i want is my H and family back. if anyone has any advice how to deal with my anger, frustration and depression, that is welcomed too  thank you!


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Secrets in a marriage undermine trust. He shouldn't have borrowed money and not told you. You have a right to know about your marital finances 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

loveovereverything85 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm very new at this site. I have situation with my husband and I'm totally lost at it. W're both 30, been married for 3 years, we got married early, after less than 1 year of knowing each other. we and a lot of ups and downs...but since day one I knew he is special to me.
> Lately we've been having a lot financial problems, we lost our apartment and we currently staying at hotel. To make long story short, he borrowed some money from his best friend, not telling me about it and lied to him what true reason is why he needs money. this friend called me the next morning, asking if something bad happened at the hotel. i said no and why? he said my H came all the way to his house (they live like 1h away) to borrow money. i was in shocked, but ok, i guess he had a reason why he didnt tell me. so we talked about this situation and he asked me to delete convo, he didnt want my husband to know, that he told me he got money from him. i said ok, i didnt want any drama....well now i have a lot of drama
> ...


Why are you blaming yourself, a H should not have any secrets from his wife particularly when it comes to finances, this is one of the number one trigger of arguments which causes many problems in marriages. He should be the one begging for your forgiveness not the other way around.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm confused. Why are you the one that's apologizing to him? Didn't he borrow money & not tell you?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK correct me if I'm wrong here. Your husband borrowed money without telling you about it, you found out, you decided to pretend you didn't know, then you threw it in his face during an argument, so your husband kicked you out and is moving you to your own place.

Don't you think that's just a wee bit over the top??? I mean, sure you shouldn't have thrown it in his face, but wtf - what kind of husband 'borrows' money without telling his wife then kicks her out when she finds out? Unless he keeps you in the dark entirely - how do you two handle the rest of your finances? Do you both work? Do you have kids?


----------



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

yes we have a child, yes we both work but we are in very bad financial situation. currently living in hotel. he is not kicking me out, but he is working on us getting an apartment...well it looks like i will have to get my own. we have a car but is on his name, so i will need to get this too. he says he wont just leave me without anything, he said he will give me $5000 to get my own place. which i dont think is enough, i will barely make it through month, since rents are so high and i dont make a lot of money. 
he is not kicking me out of the hotel, but to be honest i cant live in a small room with somebody that i love but totally ignores me 
he says i betrayed him for not supporting his story. he said, why you just didnt say you dont want to talk about it. 
all i want this my family back, i never ever did anything bad to him, i worked so hard for this marriage, forgive and forget so many things. im so devastated guys . we had plans to go to europe, to my hometown this summer to meet my family and now everything is over . i cant believe everything is over . he doesnt even ant to consider of trying to work it out. im a person who barley has any ''friends'', never go clubbing, go to movies, anywhere...just home and work. part of me is fine with that, because i got burnt a lot in the past, i decided is better to be by myself. probably is not healthy , but my heart cant be broken all the time. also me being depressed doesnt help a lot in this situation. 
im so lost  i know there is a lot that i need to change on myself, for making me better and our relationship, but how come he is just over?  i literally have a perfect 3 year old son who will grow up in a broken home.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

loveovereverything85 said:


> yes we have a child, yes we both work but we are in very bad financial situation. currently living in hotel. he is not kicking me out, but he is working on us getting an apartment...well it looks like i will have to get my own. we have a car but is on his name, so i will need to get this too. he says he wont just leave me without anything, he said he will give me $5000 to get my own place. which i dont think is enough, i will barely make it through month, since rents are so high and i dont make a lot of money.
> he is not kicking me out of the hotel, but to be honest i cant live in a small room with somebody that i love but totally ignores me
> he says* i betrayed him for not supporting his story.* he said, why you just didnt say you dont want to talk about it.
> all i want this my family back, i never ever did anything bad to him, *i worked so hard for this marriage, forgive and forget so many things*. im so devastated guys . we had plans to go to europe, to my hometown this summer to meet my family and now everything is over . i cant believe everything is over . *he doesnt even ant to consider of trying to work it out*. im a person who barley has any ''friends'', never go clubbing, go to movies, anywhere...just home and work. part of me is fine with that, because i got burnt a lot in the past, i decided is better to be by myself. probably is not healthy , but my heart cant be broken all the time. also me being depressed doesnt help a lot in this situation.
> im so lost  *i know there is a lot that i need to change on myself, for making me better and our relationship*, but how come he is just over?  i literally have a perfect 3 year old son who will grow up in a broken home.



I am rereading and highlighting worrying items in your post.

Why on earth are you blaming yourself for your H terrible behaviour, he needs a good booting out of your life
what are the many things you had to forgive?

Any man who can blame shift the way he has and treated you the way he has, is not worth staying with, believe me in the long run you will be much better off.

BTW how did you get into such a bad way financially, what has he been doing with the money, if you never go out, etc obviously he has been mismanaging the money? That is called financial infidelity.

Would you please stop being a door mat and stand up for yourself and to this good for nothing man!


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, he lies to a friend and then lies to you and somehow you're feeling bad about it? Why? He's the one who lied. 

Plan to get yourself sorted out. Plan to take care of you and your child. He says he'll give you money to rent an apartment, but he is also a liar and anything he says cannot be trusted. If he comes through and gives you money to get on your feet, great. But consider any help and support he gives to be a bonus, don't count on him. He clearly cannot be trusted. Not by you and not by his friends.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

he manipulating you because he can. because of your low self esteem and depression problems and your willingness to forgive him so easy.


he's the one who should be sorry. how much money did he borrow and why did he borrow it?

your son will be better off in a broken home instead of this situation you got now.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, stop blaming yourself--and stop accepting the blame he is trying to place on you. He lied to you about borrowing the money; he is the one who betrayed YOUR trust, not the other way around. He has no right to be angry with you over this.

All the other posters here make excellent points, and you should heed them. I agree with @aine... how did the two of you get into such trouble? It sounds like he has been mismanaging the money. If you guys are so broke, how is he going to give you $5000 to get started on your own? There is more going on here that he isn't telling you.


----------



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

thank you everyone for replaying! i am a little bit better than yesterday. part of me is ok for us not to be together anymore, the other one misses him and wants to try and work it out. 
things that i forgave and forgot i the past were...a lot of it...he is going out almost every weekend, a few times i snooped through his phone and saw many txts to different girls, calling them sweetie, baby, etc...those flirty things how he spilled her drink and he owes her one...many fights over this...than his snap chat, i hate that app.... he maybe put me twice on it, again new names all the time. he has a passcode in his phone since i went thru first time and of course i dont know it. i noticed that he usually put code on when he got home. he apaologized for talking to other girls but never stopped, even though he says he didnt cheat, but is hard to believe that.
money problem started last may when he lost appartment and moved to his relative house to save money....well it didnt happened...he was blaming longer commute for not having money....still going out every weekend, i was so embaressed when he got home in the morning when we had breakfast . he says how all this girls are just friends but i never met not even one. 
he is still super mad at me for betraying him with his friend, that how he said it... i told him that he was just mad that he got caught, he cant be mad at me for him lieing....
anyways, we obviously still live together, it will take a while to payy off debt and get on our own feet. its hard for me to be in the same room with him when he trrats me like that. honestly i believe he has gambling problems . he is not all bad as it looks right now, he does a lot of good things for me, he does all the cleaning, he does laundry every week, we did have a lot of great days, memories and fun...i miss that...a lot


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What would you do with the rest of your life if he left? Imagine that today he gets abducted by aliens and he never returns to Earth. How would you support yourself and provide a good life for your son?

From what you've said, I can't see how you and he will have a good marriage. There's too much immaturity and uncaring. A marriage lasts a lifetime, and I struggle to see how you will still be together in a few months.

It's always possible for people to work things out, but in your case that seems like such a difficult task to accomplish. He doesn't have the right attitude to be a husband in general, much less so with all the challenges you have in your life. I suspect he's a good charmer and says things you want to hear, but he won't follow up on it. He'll say he wants to take you to Europe because it knows it will make you happy, but he won't take any of the steps to make it happen. 

Unfortunately, I think the best thing for you is to think about how you go on without him in your life. Take control of giving your son a good life so that you're not dependent on him to make it happen. That way even if he's in your life, you still can provide a stable home.


----------



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

deep in my heart i know i will have to do that. he still wants to have 50% of a custody and right now(at work), i cant get it together. i cant imagine not waking up by my son, not cooking for him, not playng with him...he will be 3 in a month.
i guess i have to get a reality check for me. i just wish he would somehow see what can we have together and he needs to become more serious, more like family man...i guess im wishing for impossible. :crying:


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Yeah, it does sound pretty unlikely. Has he ever acted like a family man? Someone going out on the weekends, chatting up girls, and mismanaging money isn't someone who is acting like a father (or husband). I have no doubt he loves you and your son, but has he ever acted like someone who can build a stable family home? That is, is good with money, comes home on time, encourages family activities? That may sound boring, but that's the kind of person who makes a good family man.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You betrayed him by finding out about his lies and deception?

That's a new one.


----------



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

now when i red yur post twice, my answer is NO. we get home from work and he is on his phone, watching videos or going to the gym. 
dont get me wrong, he does spend time with our son, but way less than I would wish for. i mean, we work all day, barely see our son and he is on his phone most of the time...i was encouraging him to go to school, to get a better job and all he says is ''i will''. i dont want millions, i just want like you said something stable, some bright future for my son, not being on my own for over a year. 
im really scared he has gambling problems, he keep saying he will bring money home, from doing who knows what, but rarely does...and in that case he probably borrows somewhere


----------



## loveovereverything85 (Jun 12, 2017)

BioFury said:


> You betrayed him by finding out about his lies and deception?
> 
> That's a new one.


thats what he says, i should have his back no matter what.  i know he is wrong here, bt it hurts so much when he is blaming me for not have a family anymore


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK. You sound SO vulnerable and he is taking SO much advantage of you I just want to kick him in the head!!!

He is cheating on you. I think you know that. Those texts you saw are the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg. And if you ever asked him about them, he would BLOW HIS TOP at you for snooping.

He sounds like the kind of guy who thinks his little woman belongs pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen with NO access to her own money or any rights whatsoever.

You would be FAR FAR better off without him.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> OK. You sound SO vulnerable and he is taking SO much advantage of you I just want to kick him in the head!!!
> 
> He is cheating on you. I think you know that. Those texts you saw are the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg. And if you ever asked him about them, he would BLOW HIS TOP at you for snooping.
> 
> ...



I have to agree with Hope1964. The thing you need to realize OP is he is also grooming you for all future scenarios that will unfold, if you don't call him out on his bull **** it will get worse and worse. No way in hell does he have a right to be mad at you, he should be ashamed at himself, he knows he did wrong so his goal is to deflect the attention away from his deceit by creating another issue, ie; "you betrayed him, his friend betrayed him". He's trying to make you think he is a victim instead of a liar. 

You are going to have a lot of drama and uncertainty in your life with this guy, not a good way to live.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Start believing your own eyes see and what your own ears hear. Do not let him convince you otherwise. He has been playing mind games with you, and you allowed it. TRUST YOURSELF. He will try harder to convince you, but don't listen to lies when you know that you are a sane person and can trust your own brain and eyes.

Do you have family or friends you can move in temporarily while you get on your feet?

When you leave him, do not have any conversations with him except for things that have to do with your child: when where the child will be picked up, etc.


----------

