# Does it get easier after you officially separate?



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

As I have discussed prior on this forum, my husband asked for a divorce 3 months ago. We still live together, due to our financial situation and have just put the house on the market. Seeing my husband everyday is extremely hard, as I still love him and never wanted a divorce to begin with.

Does the pain, anger, hurt and sadness eventually dwindle once you are officially separated and not living together anymore?


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I would say that it does a little but there are other things that take the place of it. I thought it would be easier once he was out of the house but since we have kids together, I still have to see him and wonder what he is doing. 

I would say that time is what makes it easier and I am not at a place where things have gotten better with time, but have read a lot on here and books that say that time helps when you start to heal yourself.

I am sorry that you are here and don't want to be. THis board has been a lifesaver for me in knowing that I am not alone and I can share this crazy world that I never expected to be in with others that understand.

Good luck and keep us updated on you and everyone is here if you need us!


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you Sherri. I appreciate your response and kindness. 

My husband and I do not have any children and friends/family tell me all the time that I should be glad we do not because then he will be out of my life for good once we sell the house and the divorce is finalized. I can imagine your situation with having children does make it harder on you to fully move forward.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

We don't have kids together, just pets. Thankfully we aren't living together. I wouldn't be able to take that. It does get a little easier, but it's not a fast moving thing. It creeps up on you, and if you turn to embrace it too quickly, it retreats back to what ever tiny hole it came out of. You do have to work at it. Actively remove him from your mind by creating tons of new memories, and new experiences. If there's a song that reminds you of him, don't listen to it until you feel like it's just another song. Any photos, put the away. Even though you still live together, you can distance yourself from him. Once you're alone, try not to be alone so much. At first I didn't want to leave my house. Now I just never want to be here anymore. Then again, you will be moving somewhere new correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for the encouragement, BW! Once my husband asked for the divorce, I put away all of our photos which were on display in our home. It hurt too much to look at them. 

The house just went on the market 8/22 and I cannot afford to move out of the house, until it sells. Paying a mortgage and rent just isn't feasible for either one of us and I certainly do not want to default on the mortgage payments and ruin my credit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Does he have a regular schedule? I would try to plan my time to avoid him as much as possible, get out of the house and do some fun things, take up some hobbies that may have fallen by the wayside during your marriage, go out with friends, that sort of thing. What are things that bring you joy? Focus on those things. 

I also hid away things that stirred up too many memories, like you did with the pictures. (This will help with the staging of the house as well, and might help the house sell faster.)

Good luck - my heart goes out to you.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Contact stunts the healing. The leaver should leave and bear the financial burden of their decision.

Separation keeps the healing process going and contact sets you back.

The relief from the pain is very slow but you will not be able to deny that it is happening.

Go dark, work on yourself and you will heal.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Contact stunts the healing. The leaver should leave and bear the financial burden of their decision.
> 
> Separation keeps the healing process going and contact sets you back.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Satya said:


> Yes, for me it did. I was living with my ex for 6 months after the bombshell dropped, and looking back it was 6 months too long. We stayed together for convenience and survival until I couldn't take the stifling environment any longer. I was unaware of how much I was hampering my own healing by staying - and what exactly was I staying for, anyway - but I was a raging codependent at the time. Wish someone had kicked me up the arse but it's been over two years since I left and time is an amazing healer of wounds.


Staying is like keeping a wound open with dirt. The healing is delayed and you will develop complications like infection and scar formation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Staying is like keeping a wound open with dirt. The healing is delayed and you will develop complications like infection and scar formation.


That's a really good analogy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the support. We are under contract already for the sale of the house and we close on October 15th. So I have approximately 40 days to find a place to live and pack. My husband seems to continue to live in denial that this is all happening. :scratchhead: He acts like he doesn't have a care in the world and spent all of the holiday weekend, smoking pot and playing on his computer, while I started packing things and trying to organize. 

I don't know if it angers me or breaks my heart more, that he doesn't seem to be phased at the thought of us not living together anymore, while I am in complete turmoil over this. The pain is NOT going away. Ugh.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

slb121 said:


> As I have discussed prior on this forum, my husband asked for a divorce 3 months ago. We still live together, due to our financial situation and have just put the house on the market. Seeing my husband everyday is extremely hard, as I still love him and never wanted a divorce to begin with.
> 
> Does the pain, anger, hurt and sadness eventually dwindle once you are officially separated and not living together anymore?


I wish I had an answer for you but I am in a similar boat. STBXH said he was "out" over 6 months ago but here we still are. After numerous MC sessions and IC sessions we are still nowhere. I hope this doesn't drag out for you as it has for me.

Being around them sucks especially when one person is totally checked out and you are not.

Please know you are not alone.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Sigh. I had hoped by now, things would have gotten better in my household, living with my husband. It is completely confusing to me, that I haven't fought my husband on anything he has asked - divorce, selling the house, moving on with our lives, but he STILL continues to act out towards me like I was the one who tore our marriage apart. 

He started two dumb fights with me the past two nights and I am trying to be the biggest person and not take the bait. So both nights, I told him I was walking away from his attempts to argue with me and I went upstairs to disengage from him. 

As I sat in the bedroom, watching TV - BOTH nights, he came into the bedroom, took the remote controls from me and he told me that I wasn't allowed to watch HIS TV. Really? His TV? The TV is both of ours. I just shrugged it off and grabbed a book to show I could care less about his juvenile attempt to take "TV" away from me, like he was my father taking away my privileges. 

Frankly, I just do not understand. Why is he resorting to such immature tactics? Hiding my iPad? Hiding remote controls? Is it because I refuse to fight with him and he is seeking any kind of attention from me? He is 47! Grow up!! 

Has anyone else gone through this sort of behavior with their spouse?


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

It is very odd that he is acting like this when HE is the one that asked for the divorce.

Is it possible he really didn't want a divorce and is now mad that you aren't acting more upset about it?

I agree that is really juvenile behavior and really makes no sense at all.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Well he has had 4 months since he originally asked me for the divorce to change his mind about it, which he never did. I certainly wasn't going to resort to begging and pleading. While I did tell him that I still loved him very much and didn't want the divorce, I wasn't going to fight him on anything. I DO believe divorce is final - a last resort when every other effort has been exhausted but he never would consider counseling or trying to work through whatever problems he felt we had. So this divorce - is on HIM.

One of my good friends believes that my husband is trying to create an explosion, much larger than the fire that is already burning, which is why he continues to start ridiculous arguments with me. He is trying to regain control over our situation and I am not letting it happen. Why would I do that? Why would I allow him to stomp on the heart he already ripped out?


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

slb121 said:


> Well he has had 4 months since he originally asked me for the divorce to change his mind about it, which he never did. I certainly wasn't going to resort to begging and pleading. While I did tell him that I still loved him very much and didn't want the divorce, I wasn't going to fight him on anything. I DO believe divorce is final - a last resort when every other effort has been exhausted but he never would consider counseling or trying to work through whatever problems he felt we had. So this divorce - is on HIM.
> 
> One of my good friends believes that my husband is trying to create an explosion, much larger than the fire that is already burning, which is why he continues to start ridiculous arguments with me. He is trying to regain control over our situation and I am not letting it happen. Why would I do that? Why would I allow him to stomp on the heart he already ripped out?


You should certainly continue on that path too. Don't feed into his attempts at drawing you into a confrontation, who knows what his motives are at this point? But even more important, don't stoop down and start being hateful as well. If you receive enough negative treatment, you may start to entertain the idea to fight fire with fire out of anger instead of sadness... That is a long road as well. Continue to put your best foot forward and keep your eye on YOUR future, live to make yourself better. You owe that to you.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

sorry to hear about your situation, and it does get easier, but also loneliness creeps on you, you got to keep busy, but at times it will feel hard to do, i've been seperated 8 months and theres times when i dont feel like getting out of bed, but i push myself, try to laugh, and enjoy life a bit.

"focus on things that you have"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8slB-mYCPw


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## Unicornpants (Feb 14, 2013)

I think it gets mostly easier when you're out on your own. Sure, it gets lonely (VERY sometimes) but its like many have said above - you have to focus on the positives. Keep good friends around, do things you always wanted to do, take time for yourself and be forgiving to yourself because you are going to have bad days (everyone does). Let yourself heal. I tell myself it'll get better and that I'll grow as a person - I believe that. You should/can too


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