# My wife is in survival mode



## Lindsay (Jul 13, 2012)

I haven't been the greatest husband for years. Too much work and not properly listening to my wife. Butting in too much and always thinking I know better. She had tried and tried with me but I'm took thick headed. She is smart very kind and caring and beautiful women. 
She has been going to a therapist for years to survive. She is improving. But now she is having an affair with a guy. Nonstop texting, meeting at bars and the beach. All new underwear and clothes and she has shut down to me. I GET IT NOW!!! It's right on the verge of divorce according to what I have read. I am trying my damndest. But she is still texting him and won't talk about it. It's all neutral in our small talks because she won't get involved with me now so she can survive. All responses are, “that’s nice or I don’t wish to talk about that right now.”
How do I break through as there MAY be a glimmer of hope? I am really trying to change and she sees me breaking down emotionally which I have never done before. When I try to do certain things for her I can’t seem to do them right. She’s dissatisfied with anything I try to do with her and my actions are not seen as a sincere attempt but rather as , “looks like you just don’t know me and don’t know how to please me.” And now I am competing with a new fresh fun face where it’s all exciting and fun to her and she is open to the other guy and I just seem like a whimp.
I wish to give it my all. Any suggestions?
Thanks you


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

looks like it took you too long to pull your head out of your...... the sand.


unfortunatly I think for alot of women once it gets to this point they are done.

breaking down emotionaly will only make it worse. If she is still married too you and having this affair kick her out she took the easy/cowards way by cheating instead of leaving. get pi$$ed off and tell her to work on the marriage or pack her bags. if she leaves ...which she very well might after reading how you were to her. use this as a growing experiance too not act like this with future relationships.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the books Married Man Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy.

If you are in a hurry you can download them I believe.

BTW, MMSL is not a sex manual but a relationship guide with a MAP plan to win your wife back.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she said she wants a divorce?

Dittoes on the breaking down in front of her. If you get emotional hide it . You will just disgust her with your weakness.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Get the books Married Man Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy.
> 
> If you are in a hurry you can download them I believe.
> 
> BTW, MMSL is not a sex manual but a relationship guide with a MAP plan to win your wife back.


No, MMSL is not for you right now, do a hard 180, check my signature. Now is the time for you to concentrate on yourself, confront your wife and give her the choice of staying or going, if she does make the decision of leaving you, don't worry. You'll be alright either way.

Time for you to start detaching emotionally from her, and DO NOT ACT LIKE A PUPPY DOG BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR HER. Not now.

Have you confronted her yet????


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sounds done to me too. I agree with whats been said. Once a woman reaches that point they are usually just finished.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

File for divorce. She's already seen you being emotional and now she feels completely in control and can do or be with anybody she wants. She knows you won't stand up to her. Filing for divorce is the only way. Either she'll realize what's she's losing or she'll agree to the divorce. What you're doing now won't work at all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds done. But I disagree that she is in survival mode. Survival mode is eat sleep. No, your wife is in cheater mode.

But before you walk away
0. Stop blaming her choosing to cheat on anything you did. That's all her. If you were so bad she should have divorced you, not cheated.
1. Does the OM have a wife or gf? If so expose his cheating with your wife to them
2. Exposé the cheatng to you friends and family,
3. Stop financing her. Cut off money , car insurance, credit etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you cheat on her in the past? Of course this does not give her a right to do the same; however, I get the feeling that you left a lot out of your story.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, somewhat triggery for me. My wife also had an IC. My wife did a decade worth of nagging and voicing complaints about me. Things I can’t deny or defend. I was blamed for everything wrong in her life. This IC backed her. And me? Dumb me took that responsibility and burden for why my wife wasn’t satisfied. 

What it took at first is just acknowledging you can’t decide for you wife whom she likes or not. That is all her just like you can’t force her to love crack.. It’s a choice she made knowing full well it would cause damage to you and the marriage. Second was looking at the marriage history and my actions within it. Start talking to others. Bet you’ll find you aren’t any better or worse than most husbands; In fact the idea that you are blaming yourself for your wife’s adultery is more than most can tolerate. Your wife simply has a bar raised higher than can be achieved. Example: Earn more. So you work more. Then it shifts to ‘you aren’t around and love work more than me’. You can’t win that game. You’ll lose in the long run because she will always be able to find something wrong. This is real life, not a fairy tale where everything can be perfect. Start looking at it.... 

Have you been slowly ‘trained’ so your self-worth is weighed by the reflection in her eyes. In other words, are you happy when your wife is happy with you? If so, read up on co-dependancy. Regardless, you need to work on you. You can’t feel like a failure IF you didn’t fail yourself. Its obvious you feel like a failure based on your wife telling you that you are. Learn to judge yourself and not to let others define you.

I’d also set an IC appointment with her IC. I also found my wife had ‘omitted’ her actions and just focused on how I made her feel. So, her IC was a bit flabbergasted to hear she’d threaten suicide to get her way. She also didn’t know the extent of these outside friendships. She didn’t know how my wife would berate and demean me over minor things. All she really knew is my wife’s rants about the marriage and the ‘victimized’ and trapped feelings living with me (whom she’d diagnosed as a computer gaming addict, OCD, and narcissist without ever meeting me). Bad councelor giving equally as bad advice. So go in and rant about your wife. Since she knows a ton about her, you might get some valuable insights.

Oh, and also note that none of this has a damn thing to do with trying to 'win her back'. It is all about you working on you and ripping that idea out of your head that you are only as good as your wife sees you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It seems she checked out for a while. Likely your awakening happened too little to late. Still, what don't try last chance? Keep reading threads, being clingly won't work ever. She already knows you wants to try. Don't talk about it anymore. Indeed her old husband can't compete with fantasy.
Gather evidence (keylogger, phone spyware, VAR, GPS). Go steps ahead.
Is she actually planning the divorce (meaning talking to lawyer, house hunting, etc)?
Lawyer up, find where you stand.
Is OM single? If not expose him to his GF/wife.
Own your sh!t and let her go.---> Just Let Them Go
Start self improvement, no matter what.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Seems like so much left out. But new underwear indicates a full on PA. Time to 180. Do it now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You haven't mention divorce, and it sound like you want to work it out.
So I can tell you from the guy that pushed his wife around for years the only thing that worked for me was having the confidence to let my wife have her lovers and move on.

"woh now wait your letting me go"

Yes I will not control my wife, and I will not tolorate sharing my wife any longer. so I asked here to leave......no crying no begging.

Then as I got the " you never loved me and you hit me and abused me" I simple aggreed and acknowledger her feeling and again told her I will not share my wife and asked her again to leave. She may not leave and thats a good thing if she does then consider it abandonment and pack her things. Even if she refuses to leave its a strong statement that tell her you will not tolorate the affair.

This confidence and tough love approach worked for me. It may work for you b/c I have a sense that your nice guy approach has done nothing but let the affair continue.

One more thing find out who the guy is and expose it to his wife or GF. This tactic will make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. it also puts another set of eye on the no contact ...that and staying in the house never move out.

If this isn't an exit affair you still may have hope. Either way you have to push them away to see if they want to come back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Btw file for divorce, it also a strong statement that you will not share your wife. You can always withdraw the filling if you can confirm all contact has stopped with OM.

You will get the "you never loved me " ( i did) crap but thats not the point, the point is as long as you are married you will not share her with OM (other man) and ask her to move out.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I treated my husband the same way during my EA. I was awful, blamed everything on him..totally unplugged. When I finally told him about the EA he kicked me out of the house. It was the best thing because I really got a good look at how wrong I was. We are now 5mo reconcilled. It is alot of work. Your wife is so far gone in the fog it's like impossible to wake her up. I know, I was there, it's like being on drugs. I was so distracted by the other man that I didn't care about anything anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

You begin your post discussing your shortcomings as a husband. That makes me afraid that you will think your wife having an affair is your fault or partly your fault.

It is important in order for you to increase the odds of being successful to fully believe that it is 0 per cent your fault (the affair that is).

If you don't get there, you are vulnerable to her manipulating you through this process and are likely to be unsuccessful.

The other thing to know that for the most part your actions are irrelevant to her now. Her main focus is on someone else.

The only actions that you can take need to be a little more radical now to get her attention and attempt to make her see the consequence of her actions and what she might lose.

Anything less has a high probability of failure.

Good luck


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Looking to heal said:


> You begin your post discussing your shortcomings as a husband. That makes me afraid that you will think your wife having an affair is your fault or partly your fault.
> 
> It is important in order for you to increase the odds of being successful to fully believe that it is 0 per cent your fault (the affair that is).
> 
> ...


I totally agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Do I understand correctly that your wife is being banged by her therapist? You've got this guy by the balls if you can get a PI onto them.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She has been going to a therapist for years to survive. She is improving. But now she is having an affair with *a guy.*


I don't think it's the therapist.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Are you here to learn and do, or just to read ?? Do as the VETS say, do not think you can do it any other way. We are seeing too many coming back after doing it half their way, and half the VETS way. It is getting so depressing seeing BS coming here and not using the advice given. Your way has not worked. You have to show you are READY to move on if she won't end the A. And you must realize this may truly be an exit A for her. That she has no more to give to you and the marriage. Your job now is to heal you. Thats the 180 and reading "Just Let Them Go". The A has nothig to do with your past treatment of her, and don't let her guilt you into believing that. Just as a poster said, she had a choice, stay or go. So tell her in or out. Thats it, and no more. If she say anything besides in, walk away and file the next day. Close CC account and separate the money in Bk account. In fact, you should already be moving money NOW. She is buying new drawers to wear for him with your money. This is no game Dude. Now, do not move out of your house, if anyone goes, its her. You also need to start exposing the A to ALL. Especially to his W/GF. And remember, plz do as these folks say. They know from hard won expierence of what they speak. Good Luck.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Racer said:


> Dumb me took that responsibility and burden for why my wife wasn’t satisfied.
> 
> What it took at first is just acknowledging you can’t decide for you wife whom she likes or not. That is all her just like you can’t force her to love crack.. It’s a choice she made knowing full well it would cause damage to you and the marriage. Second was looking at the marriage history and my actions within it. Start talking to others. Bet you’ll find you aren’t any better or worse than most husbands; In fact the idea that you are blaming yourself for your wife’s adultery is more than most can tolerate. Your wife simply has a bar raised higher than can be achieved. Example: Earn more. So you work more. Then it shifts to ‘you aren’t around and love work more than me’. You can’t win that game. You’ll lose in the long run because she will always be able to find something wrong. This is real life, not a fairy tale where everything can be perfect. Start looking at it....
> 
> ...


This post sums up my W's thoughts on our marriage and my struggles to keep her happy prior to her PA. 

Nothing worked. She didn't enjoy anything.

I find it ironic that I was punished twice for her inability to cope with real life.
Once was living through her demands and expectations and verbal abuse... and second was her PA with the OM,
which initially was blamed on me for not meeting her emotional needs. 

That may very well have been to a small extent, but I was by no means "checked out" of our marriage like she was. 
I busted my arse for her and the kids. Bought into the plan. Loved her dearly.

Never ran.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Are you here to learn and do, or just to read ?? Do as the VETS say, do not think you can do it any other way. We are seeing too many coming back after doing it half their way, and half the VETS way. It is getting so depressing seeing BS coming here and not using the advice given. Your way has not worked. You have to show you are READY to move on if she won't end the A. And you must realize this may truly be an exit A for her. That she has no more to give to you and the marriage. Your job now is to heal you. Thats the 180 and reading "Just Let Them Go". The A has nothig to do with your past treatment of her, and don't let her guilt you into believing that. Just as a poster said, she had a choice, stay or go. So tell her in or out. Thats it, and no more. If she say anything besides in, walk away and file the next day. Close CC account and separate the money in Bk account. In fact, you should already be moving money NOW. She is buying new drawers to wear for him with your money. This is no game Dude. Now, do not move out of your house, if anyone goes, its her. You also need to start exposing the A to ALL. Especially to his W/GF. And remember, plz do as these folks say. They know from hard won expierence of what they speak. Good Luck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Alas, Old Wolf, I fear we might have another post and run on our hands. Hopefully, he's lurking and will take our advice; however, I doubt it because everything we've told him runs counter to what he believes.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Lind, you coming back ??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lindsay said:


> She is smart very kind and caring and beautiful women.
> 
> But now she is having an affair with a guy. Nonstop texting, meeting at bars and the beach. All new underwear and clothes and she has shut down to me.


These two things do not match.

Very often a BS will put the blame on themselves that somehow their lack of meeting needs has caused their spouse to cheat.

Well I do agree that in a good marriage needs are met equitably over time. However, there is no excuse for cheating. Moreover why did your wife think you would put up with it?

There could be much history re-writing here. Hard to tell from your post really. Maybe you were not being thick headed as much as just failing those fitness tests. Maybe you were a complete butt hole. We can't tell.
But were you having affairs with other women? If not I suggest that the burden is more on her than you for the moment.

You have one choice IMO if you want to save the marriage. Insist she go go NC with her affair partner. Then stick by it. Tell her this is unacceptable to you and you will not live in a marriage such as this. Then if she refuses you need to get a lawyer. Probably see a lawyer first.

Now to be clear I am being pro marriage here. You cannot save the marriage if you allow this to continue. You cannot work on the marriage until she stops the affair, goes through withdrawal and is commited to saving the marriage. It will take all three plus your commitment.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Alas, Old Wolf, I fear we might have another post and run on our hands. Hopefully, he's lurking and will take our advice; however, I doubt it because everything we've told him runs counter to what he believes.


:iagree:

That's usually the case, and if he does come back, it's to report things have gotten worse.


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