# What should my wife's involvement be?



## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

I’d like to get as much feedback as possible especially from women. Sorry it's a little wordy...

My wife and I are in our 40’s. We’ve been married 12 years and have two kids.
The sex before the marriage was great, but for almost the entire marriage, the sex has been infrequent at best most of the time and some years could be defined as sexless. It didn’t seem to really bother my wife and I was always thinking it would somehow get better on its own. Of course it didn’t. We did do some counseling, after which things picked up for a bit, but now we’re back to the same lack of physical activity and this is not a good place for me to be.

I work 50 hours/wk and my wife works part time. Because of this, she is afforded time to volunteer in her church and our kids' school with a few hours left over every day to exercise or for her to do what needs to be done around the house. I am a very involved dad and many of my friend’s wives and even some of the neighborhood wives have said I do way more than their husbands would ever do to help them. So I need it to be known I’m not a slacker and I don’t have a video gaming system I’m attached to. The lack of interest on my wife’s part isn’t because I’m checked out and absent.

So I guess my question is, what should a wife’s involvement be when she doesn’t want sex as nearly as much as her husband? I had suggested before I would be happy getting hand jobs or oral sex in lieu of sex. (When we dated my wife bragged of swallowing.) Now she will not provide me oral sex as she says she never really liked it anyway. I can understand that she may not like it, but I didn’t invent it and I didn’t introduce her to it. And as her husband I find it hurtful she would do this for whomever else and now I’m the guy it stops with?!!? And hand jobs she says hurts her arm – though she never considered finding a different position to do that for me and she works out doing aerobics with weights several times a week. I’m not buying what I think are excuses.

So I’m here left with a feeling that my wife is unwilling to provide for me what I need. Again, we’re not dating casually: This is a marriage. I’m not asking her to be a porn star. I’m asking her to be a wife. 

The next question is this: working 50 hours/week is something I don’t like to swallow. I’m tall and doing the dishes at a low sink hurts my back as does vacuuming. Does that mean I should be able to avoid helping with housework? I’m seriously not trying to sound childish, but we need to be able to establish boundaries here. Then I’m left with the thought that if she truly doesn’t want to take care of me, why should I even bring it up with her? I equate that with a woman saying to her husband, “You never bring me flowers” then he brings them home that night: the act is then done out of obligation or guilt, to get her off his back, but not out of love.

So I’d like to get some thoughts on this, especially from women.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Be consistent...don't turn anything into a game of "one-up". The you more you serve your wife/family...the more she will be open to being vulnerable/intimate with you. It will take time...don't take it so seriously. 

This doesn't mean become a doormat...but do go above and beyond to develop the emotional strength of your relationship. This is where the lust/passion in a woman lives. Just give and give, and see what happens. You never know until you try...but if you start acting childish and withholding love out of spite...things will DEFINITELY get much worse.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Very good advice above. You do need to be proactive and go above and beyond. I understand that you feel neglected (because she is neglecting you), but if you tune your energy into giving your wife plenty of love and affection, it may just be the push that she needs.

This needs to be said too. Is there any way her lack of desire could be medical? Does she have difficulties with hormones? Thyroid issues? Weight problems? Would she be open to seeing her GP to talk about this?

It would help to investigate all of the options here. She may be suffering just as much from this lack of sex (and just not know it).


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm not a woman, but here are the facts:

Sex is not to be the carrot on a stick for a man, if a woman is not freely giving this gift to her man, there is a problem in the relationship, and this is usually something the man has neglected.

A good man is to be in control of himself and his environment.

For himself, his physical fitness, his temper, his addictions, his emotions, and all these other things a man is to be calm, confident, and in balance and control.

For his environment, his home, his career, and especially his emotional and physical relationship with his woman are these things also to be in balance and control.

When the good man in in control of these things, a woman is irrestibly attracted to this man, and will STRIVE to find ways to please him and give herself to him. 

This is both emotional and sexual, as these between a good man and woman in a relationship are intertwined.

And when a man neglects these things, a woman will not be sexually attracted to this man, and the woman will RESENT this man. 

You have said you were "thinking it would somehow get better on its own". Guess what, not only will it not get better on it's own, but will get worse because you neglected your responsibility to see that it didn't.

To any man that is not desiring his woman enough to stand up to her, and to stand up for himself, he is telling that woman "I do not find you worthwhile or sexually attractive."

So do not think that asking to quantify in a thread how much involvement there should be from your woman will help your cause. You are just digging yourself deeper.

Any man that needs to beg, whine, or in any other way attempt to appease a woman to get sex is only fooling himself.

You already know this, in your comments about the flowers bought from obligation and guilt. 

Know that a woman will only build resentment if her man if he begs for her sexual attention from obligation and guilt, and not because her man is so desirable to her, and lights a fire in her hotly, that she is actively looking for ways to please her man. 

In the marriage where a man is attentive to these things, being in control of himself and his environment, a dominant man, in this marriage the woman is striving to have sex just as often as the man, even times more so. 

This is what it was when the good man and woman are dating, and the sex and passion are flowing mightily. 

And then when there is marriage, and along come distractions of life, it is most easy for the man to sit back and let the woman lead, and own, and take responsibility for the emotional and sexual connection. 

And when this is in this case always withering and dying, because there is nothing attractive to a woman toward a man that does not care enough for her to strive to dominate her sexually, and she withdraws and builds resentment.

And the man sees and feels this, and withdraws himself, and blames the woman for being a "mystery" or other such tings, and builds resentment to her for this.

This is the spiral of resentment. 

So in these things, instead to try to quantify involvement from a woman to obligate herself to find a man sexually attractive, that she does not naturally and will only build resentment, it is better to solve this problem than merely cover up a symptom.

Instead it is this, it is the good man's responsibilty to step up, and take ownership of the things he has neglected that has killed sexual attraction.

To take control of himself, and his environment, to show his woman in action, not words, that she is desirable to him, and he is of the mettle that he will have what he desires, and this is her. 

This is what is was when you were dating and sexual attraction flowed, it is how it should be 10, 20, 30 years later still.

I wish you well.


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## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. Yes, a blood draw showed low testosterone and so a doctor prescibed some cream that basically restored her drive. Then there was a thyroid issue discovered and the doctor wanted the testosterone cream stopped: that is when the sex came to a halt. 

Big Bad Wolf made some interesting points, and though many of these may apply to me, I cannot honestly assess my situation is as exactly as his A-Z list is scripted. I am neither a doormat nor a dominator and I never have been... and things had been fine before. 

I'm not saying I do not have a lot to work on, and I'm in no way trying to force attraction or work magic to increase her drive at this point. I simply would like to know regardless if I've done something that has crippled our sex life or if it's strictly hormonal, in the interim as we sort through it and considering the natural ebb and flow in a relationship, should she be excused of taking care of my physical needs?


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