# Need Your Help



## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

This is my first post and hopefully my last but I am desperate and looking for some help and advice. 

Little about our background... I am 39 and she is 31... This is my second marriage this is her first. We met several years ago just after my first divorce... Dated off and on for six years but always remained good friends. I always had it for her and she did for me but timing was just not there. Well the stars aligned right and we got together a little short of two years ago. We knew each other for so well for so long we got engaged in six months and married one year after we married this past May.

We have always gotten along great and still do... We never fight and we always are loving to one another... Neither one of us are very needy and we both have good careers and large social networks. I am sure most would say we are the perfect couple. 

The only difference between us is that we went to two different colleges that are huge rivals and most fall weekends we are not together and we are supporting our schools. This past week ended the seasons for us and I had told her I wanted to have a serious talk about "us" after the season. 

Like I said I am not a needy person nor is she but to be honest we have not spent enough time with one another to my liking. That is what my talk was about that we need to make each other our biggest priority. We also need to make our marriage the same way. I expressed this very nicely and it was not a fight. 

What shocked me was that normally when we have talks like this we usually agree and we always are on the same page. This time she was very stiff and unemotional... She said that she has had two or three melt downs over the last week and she doesnt know what is wrong with her.

She says that I am the perfect husband and that i give her everything she has ever wanted but we dont have a "deep connection" 

And that we have never had that connection that she thinks we should and she always thought that would grow between us. Well obviously I was blown away... Didnt handle it well and became very emotional. I have basically not left the house since Friday... She went to her parents in her words to get her head on straight... Said she never thought seriously about divorce until Thursday night...

I will say that sex is not what it was but I really feel that is due to the time apart... She works very hard and has a ton of activities and during football season I am lucky to get 8 hours with her a week.

Since she has been at her parents we have talked about once a day but everytime we talk she says she loves me... Her parents say the same thing and they want us to work this out... But maybe I am taking this too hard and blowing it out of proportion... I do not want a divorce!!! I love her more than any husband can love a wife. I dont want to be with anyone else...

What do I do??? Just sit and wait??? This has been the toughest weekend in my life.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Give her some space. If you are too aggressive or pushy, you will push her further away. Do what you need to do to in order to get through this time. I know it is hard and can make you feel crazy at moments, but just hang in there.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

I really have this weekend.... This is just not like her at all. Never saw this coming... I am doing a lot of praying... We are getting together this afternoon.


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## Raemay38 (Dec 12, 2009)

Noleagent,

Like others on here have said, Give her space"
Ask her if she wants some marital conseling to discuss the issues at hand this will help you get to the root of the isssues. From what your wife said, she doenst felel connected to you that statement alone is a problem in itself that both of you need to work on together in marital counseling. Try to get her into couneling with you to get a better understanding of how she feels I know Ive been to marital counseling and have heard things that mad eme better understand my husband. 
If she said she loves you I see hope for the both of you still.
Prayers shall be answered keep us informed on what happens ok.

take Care!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well to make things simple. Go to your game one week, and her game the other. Rinse repeat. Problem solved.

That being said... she's doing some rewriting of the relationship here. What's with the breakdowns? Don't mean to conjure up ghosts where there may be none, but I have to ask.... Has she been cheating? Seems like a couple red flags there.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

we are past all of the football stuff.... we have much bigger problems than that right now.

She came over and we talked for a good while. She did an interview appointment with a lady on the phone today and this person advised her not take a "symbiotical" from the relationship for now. Did not give a specific time or anything like that. So she went back to her parents and it appears she packed for the week. 

She says she needs to figure herself out and promised me she will fight to save our marriage and will focus more on the positives than the negatives. she said that she loves me and I even asked her the question if she was "in love" with me and she said yes... She just doesnt understand why she was so unhappy... But to be honest I dont think she was that unhappy... I can read her better than anyone and I never saw it. 

We hugged, kissed and told each other we love one another several times... She left saying she would call tomorrow.

She seems to think that this break will get her head on straight.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Wow... that's really difficult. I would basically start counseling right away. Either to save the marriage or to work through an amicable separation. If you want to save the marriage, and you obviously do, you need to let her know that... you need to tell her REPEATEDLY that you want to be that deeper connection... that you want to be the person she turns to and talks to... about everything.

Are you generally available to talk to her about deeper, more meaningful conversations? The meaning of life, death, the afterlife, etc. If you haven't been that person before, then she might not be able to make that connection with you now. But, from the sound of it, this might just be a "panic attack" and you'll get it worked out eventually.

On a side note, could she be pregnant? "Two or three meltdowns" that she doesn't normally have might be a sign of something physical : )

Good luck.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

no pretty sure she is not... 

yes this is difficult... tough because I know what it is like to be in a horrible relationship. I know what it is like to not care about the one your with... We are talking about two people that love one another. It just doesnt make any sense.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have to say, I was a bit concerned when I first read that the two of you "dated off and on" but "the timing was never right." Keep in mind that I don't know either of you and am only responding to what you say, but the thought that came to my mind is, "She wasn't really that attracted to him in the very first place." There would be no "off and on" or "bad timing" if she had been strongly attracted to you--the "I want to rip off your clothes every time I think about you" type of attraction. I would suspect she likes you and even loves you, but does not feel the kind of attraction she knows is out there, has probably experienced in her past with someone else, and may have felt toward someone new. I'm not saying she is having an affair, but rather, she may be realizing that she is *never* going to feel that way about you and that realization is scary as sh*t. Ask her about this point blank, and tell her to think about it--let her know before you ask that you don't want the answer right away. Why? Because it will take a tremendous amount of courage for her to say this to you, knowing how much it will hurt you. In the meantime, don't dwell on what I say--there are so many possibilities. I'm just putting this out there because I anticipated the "no deep connection" part before you got to it in your first post. Best of luck.

Edit: I should add, if she admits this is the problem, then think long and hard about trying to continue the marriage. You will always be at a disadvantage without this component in the relationship. That kind of chemistry cannot be forced, and it's not about looks--the whole pheromones issue plays into it, plus any number of other things we don't even fully understand yet. You will feel really sad, of course, but try not to feel rejected--it's not you, it's the two of you and inadequate chemistry, like chocolate without enough sugar. Not horrible, but not satisfying, either. I'm not trying to trivialize it, I just can't find a better way of explaining what I mean. But I was in a marriage like that for 20 years and can tell you, it was NOT satisfying and I eventually left. God bless.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sister,
I had the exact same thought when I read this. I believe the following happened: She met someone at her football games who she DID have a super strong attraction to. I am NOT saying she cheated, I am saying she compared how she felt about this other guy to the love but passion light feeling she has for her man and freaked out. 

And now she is re-evaluating the whole marriage because of that. I think she feels guilt and fear. 

I also believe the average man can create a stronger sexual connection to his wife by doing the "right" things - mating in captivity is likely the best book on this subject. 

The OP needs to figure out how to amp the passion and that is going to require him to also stand up to her in a firm and loving way and explain why he is ready to walk unless she shows some serious commitment in her actions. Groveling will ensure the end of the marriage. I don't know any women who can stay with a man who begs when he is the one who has been wronged. 




sisters359 said:


> I have to say, I was a bit concerned when I first read that the two of you "dated off and on" but "the timing was never right." Keep in mind that I don't know either of you and am only responding to what you say, but the thought that came to my mind is, "She wasn't really that attracted to him in the very first place." There would be no "off and on" or "bad timing" if she had been strongly attracted to you--the "I want to rip off your clothes every time I think about you" type of attraction. I would suspect she likes you and even loves you, but does not feel the kind of attraction she knows is out there, has probably experienced in her past with someone else, and may have felt toward someone new. I'm not saying she is having an affair, but rather, she may be realizing that she is *never* going to feel that way about you and that realization is scary as sh*t. Ask her about this point blank, and tell her to think about it--let her know before you ask that you don't want the answer right away. Why? Because it will take a tremendous amount of courage for her to say this to you, knowing how much it will hurt you. In the meantime, don't dwell on what I say--there are so many possibilities. I'm just putting this out there because I anticipated the "no deep connection" part before you got to it in your first post. Best of luck.
> 
> Edit: I should add, if she admits this is the problem, then think long and hard about trying to continue the marriage. You will always be at a disadvantage without this component in the relationship. That kind of chemistry cannot be forced, and it's not about looks--the whole pheromones issue plays into it, plus any number of other things we don't even fully understand yet. You will feel really sad, of course, but try not to feel rejected--it's not you, it's the two of you and inadequate chemistry, like chocolate without enough sugar. Not horrible, but not satisfying, either. I'm not trying to trivialize it, I just can't find a better way of explaining what I mean. But I was in a marriage like that for 20 years and can tell you, it was NOT satisfying and I eventually left. God bless.


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## noki (Dec 14, 2009)

I have this problem right now, similar to your wife - I feel like we ahve the perfect marriage, but there is just no deep, emotional connection for me. (And I have had that in the past, so I know it can be better.) I keep hoping that it wil get better, but its been years now that weve been married and its not better. 

I feel like he doesnt understand me, as in my personality. I want him to appreciate and love all the little, romantic things about me. Do you know what your wifes favorite candy bar is? What song she likes the most right now? Do you ever buy her presents or take her out for dinner just because? If her problem is similar to mine, trying these little things might help. Have deep conversations with her, and really pay attention to what shes saying. Make her feel appreciated.

But be careful you do not let her lose respect for you in this process. You want her to feel cherished and adored, but careful that you do not become a doormat. Goo dluck, I do hope you can work it out!


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

dont read more into the off and on comments... if you want to know the details the last couple of years before we started dating exclusively she pursued me for some time. And I was the one that kept it at arms distance... We always remained good friends during that time... I was going through my divorce stage and didnt want to date someone of her quality because I knew it would be serious if we did.

I was more into the superficial type women at that time... 

As far as attraction from what I can tell that is not a problem on either end. I have never had a problem with that.

Thanks for the words of encouragement about being strong. I am doing my best to do so and yesterday was better than before. There is going to be a place and time where I stand my ground but I have to pick it properly. 

I am trying to get some counseling this week. I hope that will help.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

we have spoken every day since I last posted... She still tells me she loves me and she doesnt know what she feels. I really tried to get her to come home so we can work on this... The counselor she spoke to on the phone that suggested us take a break toldd her to follow her gut and she said she feared that if she came back now it could push us apart. It seems like in her everyday life she is just keeping busy and not dealing with her feelings... Christmas is this Saturday for my side of the family and she agreed to attend. Tomorrow we both go to see the same counselor she is two hours before me. I am hopeful and praying that this will help us... I still don't see any grounds to separate or divorce we still love one another and she stills says that every time and doesn't bring up divorce... But I have a bad feeling.... I am hopeful counseling can help us communicate better and help us bring back that connection.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think when you are thrown for a loop here, not what you were expecting with the conversation, but let it play it's course, give her the time she needs to work it out for herself, if it's good she will be back, she needs to learn to miss having you in her life to give her some perspective.....I know it's tough but I think you guys are doing all the right things, just make yourself as appealing as you can and make sure she knows you want to save your marriage and are willing to make changes as well.....that's all you can do......patience is the toughest thing in the world because it feels like you are doing nothing..........hang in there


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

Thank You... I know I have to do that and it is just hard... I was thrown for a loop... Hard because I felt I finally found the right girl... I gotta be strong tomorrow and Saturday.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

In a lot of ways a lot has happened with me and my wife since my last post and in a lot of ways not much has happened. 

This past Friday I met with her mother for about an hour and a half... We had a great talk and I left that conversation feeling better about the whole situation. Our talk focused on the fact that she felt her daughter was not "clear" with her decision making and had no clue what she really wants... She feels she is being rash and not taking the time to think about things. She felt that she needed the space to figure herself out and to heal herself. She did state she thought it would be best that we try to work on the marriage and continue counseling... She prayed about it and feels the three things I need to do is go to the gym, go to work, and be at peace with god and pray... 

She tried not to give me false hope. But I think she feels that we are not done... 

So for the first time since we have been together this Friday me and my wife did not talk... Then on Saturday my side of the family was having Christmas... My wife agreed to attend earlier the week... I told her mom I wasnt going to make her go if she didnt want to... I figured she would have called yesterday to see if I wanted her to go... She didnt.... It was so hard... She would have had so much fun and would have loved the day... Part of me feels like I should have called and asked if she wanted to go... 

I made a promise to her mother that I would do those things for her and I did go to the gym yesterday for the first time in a long time... I hated it but I did it for myself and for my promise. 

So I am sitting here on Sunday morning very lonely and wondering what she is doing... Wondering what she is feeling and wondering where this is going to lead to. I really know in my heart that I love her and want this to work out... I also know that she still loves me too. I understand that she does not feel that "deep connection" and now says that she has never felt it... I have to be understanding of it and listen to it with an open heart... I just dont know how to respond it it??? Is there a solution to it???? Can this be overcome??? can a deeper connection be developed???

That is the toughest part of this because we are talking about two people that love one another... That respect one another and are great together... She is just hurting... The other tough part of this is that this blindsided me... Did not see it coming in a million years... 

We go to our first couples counseling session on Monday... I am trying to not put much into that session. But I am hoping that it will lead us to an agreement that we are going to do our best to try to save our marriage.

I am committed to my wife and my marriage and will go through anything for her and this marriage.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

With what's said so far, noleagent, there's love but little connection. This is difficult to appreciate as love strives to put the other first before him/herself.

Communication needs to happen - not just words spoken to each other everyday, but deep and meaningful communication. If she's struggling with expressing how she feels she may need help to find this out as it is important in the relationship to continually discuss this.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

thanks Weathered....

I have to agree with you... She feels that there not a "deep" connection... but all of our conversations she still says she loves me... 

Do you feel a connection is built by open and honest communication??? I do... 

I really think us living two separate lives did not help us much at all. When I mean separate I mean doing all sorts of things apart.

We are very much alike that we do not communicate when we are hurting, scared or upset.... We need to break down those walls.


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

Wow now I know why Christmas is such a sad holiday for so many.... Never thought my world could be turned so upside down in less than two weeks... God I love my wife... Went to see her parents today to exchange Christmas gifts. Well my wife was there and she knew when I was coming... She had plenty of opportunities to not be there by the time I showed up... It was a very sad scene.. her parents were sad and tearful and I did my best to keep it together. Problem is we all love each other I just dont know where my wife is... I am sure they want us to stick it out... I know I do... My wife just seems lost and confused... We talked a little and she hugged me and gave me my present and I gave hers to her. Stayed a while and left... She walked me to the car and we hugged a couple of times.. Told her I loved her and told her to have a Merry Christmas... Dont know where this is going but I do know it is out of my control. All I can do is be the best person I can be and stay true to my commitment and my vows.


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