# How Important is Cooking for your Man?



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm being told I'm missing the 'big' picture with my marriage problems. So I'm trying to really absorb everything he's telling me but this still gets me. 

Maybe I'm just not a good wife, but I don't really find it important to cook everyday, 2-3 meals a day. 
On average I cook probably 3-5 dinners a week (leftovers I always try to give for lunch or part of dinner the next day-which is a good portion of the time NOT eaten). About 1 night a week I'm tired and just throw together something quick like a sandwich...which he will usually say 'no' to because he's super hungry and wants a full meal. I've never really bothered him to cook for me. If I'm hungry I go to the kitchen and eat/cook something. Sometimes he will cook for himself when he's hungry and share with me..but I don't remember the last time i asked him to cook me dinner

We both work full-time, I'm at a desk job and he does maintenance so he does a lot more physical labor than me during his workday. Which he likes to remind me. Therefore, I should be the one cooking and making sure my man is properly fed. I hear what he is saying, and I understand it, but the feminist in me saying "wtf". According to him, it's part of what makes him feel like a priority. He wants to be my priority, and I don't make him feel that way. I should cook for him, and have a nice 'presentation' of the food on the table (a glass of water, a napkin - "most of the time I would have to stand up and grab a napkin"). There's other things besides cooking that tie into not feeling like a priority, but that's going to be other threads. 

I feel like such a terrible wife because maybe I AM missing something...then I think....I work, I do most of the shopping, I pay the bills, laundry, make doctor appointments and any other phone calls, work very hard for our business and supported the use of all our money to go towards equipment for the business, I'm pretty clean, and I cook sometimes. But it seems like despite all this other stuff I do, the cooking is part of what's killing this....and I don't get it. So because I'm not always (or most of the time) concerned about the status of his stomach I'm a bad wife? I'm not doing my duty as a wife? I feel so bad because I'm NOT Miss cook-a-lot...it's like we're speaking different languages....something he finds obviously VERY important I'm looking at him like he's from another planet.... "so you're divorcing me over a salad?" .... "I hate it when you say that...it's like you're missing the whole big picture." He claims I cooked more in the beginning...I don't remember spending a whole lot more time than I do now in the kitchen, but I'll take his word for it....maybe I did? But our lives and work schedules have changed dramatically since the beginning so.....so? 

All the other stuff I do doesn't make him feel like a priority I guess....THIS makes him feel like a priority. No kids, no pets, just us...so then I think..yeah...why don't I spend more time in the kitchen?....well because i don't like spending a lot of time in the kitchen or all that cleaning up afterwards....what kind of wife am I?.....so confused

SO - how important is cooking for your man? Please both men and women...give me your honest feedback.

It's been hard to get real feedback, it seems like my friends and acquaintances are siding with me, and his friends and acquaintances are siding with him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Having dinner together is nice. Living like roommates, imo, is not.

Maybe have a cooking schedule. Each of you take a couple nights a week to cook or cook together. Eat together...as the family you are.

I cooked for my husband every night (and our kids) because it was importnat to him and myself that there be a meal to share. I worked until 3 (a teacher) he worked until 7 (mechanic), so I did most of the cooking. On his days off, he'd cook.

And who cares what relatives and friends say about this. What does HE say. That's all that should matter and discuss it with him and meet his needs best you can. Compromise or whatever.

No one LIKES to clean up a kitchen, but that should be mutual. If you cook, he cleans. Done.

I mean, if it's that big of a deal for him for you to cook 4 or 5 nights a week, then why wouldn't you? I dunno. You can make stuff ahead of time together and freeze it and/or cook together nightly. But to me, this is something petty. But that's just my opinion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are your and his work hours?

You listed all the things that you do around the house, shopping, cooking, etc. What does he do outside of his job? How much responsibility does he assume at home. I'm asking because it sounds like he does not do much at all. Is that right?

What % of total household income do you earn? 

He seems to think that his job is more important than yours. That's nonsense.

Both spouses, not just you, should do what you can to meet each other's needs. IMO, since you both work you both should be splitting household chores, cooking, shopping, handling finances as close to 50/50 as you can. 

Him saying that you have to do everything plus have dinner cooked 7 days a week is unreasonable. That's him abusing the idea of having his needs met.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Having dinner together is nice. Living like roommates, imo, is not.
> 
> Maybe have a cooking schedule. Each of you take a couple nights a week to cook or cook together. Eat together...as the family you are.
> 
> ...


Living like roommates...very true. And that was one of his complaints actually.

He doesn't want to share household chores really. He feels like it shouldn't be a big deal for me to be the one that cooks and cleans. I've asked him to help me, but he never follows through. If I make dinner he will eat, and either leave his plate sit there or just put it by the sink and go back to doing what he was doing.

He says he helps clean, but I don't remember the last time I've seen him do dishes, or vacuum or anything. Then I ask him 'when..when?! have you done anything to clean' he laughs it off and says 'I do'. 
Then he turns it around on me and says, 'I'm not high maintenance, I cooked some food for myself last night because there was NOTHING to eat. A LOT of men would NOT be cooking for themselves like I do, they would be like 'hell no, I need food'' 
I will have cooked the next night, but it doesn't seem to matter, he just remembers having to cook himself. And of course...I clean the dishes..at all times.

I actually agree with you that it's petty...I'm confused why he's throwing up his hands and walking away over this. I feel like we could work it out and we should share, do it together...or at least he pitch in voluntarily a portion of the time. And it's not happening, I've asked and asked. And I feel like if I were to say "ok ok fine..I will do ALL the cooking and cleaning"...that wouldn't make me...or consequently him..any happier. I just feel like it should be a shared, affectionate time...not just a 'it's your duty' thing. But he thinks it should be something I WANT to do...to come from my heart and take care of HIM. I WANT to a lot of the time...but in my opinion (I may be wrong)...I'm NOT his mother or his maid...so why can't he just help? I told him I would do BETTER...I would plan food better...cook enough for a couple days so there's something fresh than something to heat up, freeze food, we will talk more about what we can put in the cupboards for him to eat in case he gets hungry and doesn't want whats in the fridge....etc etc. But I cannot promise a homemade three-course fresh meal everyday I come home from work...but I will do better. I honestly think he wants the fresh meal everyday...it wasn't good enough.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I write this as someone who's husband does the majority of the cooking and I've only just successfully cooked a bowl of rice, so whadda I know..... however..... bills, laundry and such, all important for the running of the house-hold but cooking seems a more nurturing act. There's love involved. You know when a meal is so good you can "taste the love"? It's comforting and replenishing.

While my husband appreciates that I ensure our bills and mortgage are paid on time, it's a different appreciation when I cook for him (even if it's not the most edible lol). For a while, we did split the week with me cooking a couple of days, and him the others. Some evenings I get home from work later than him, about 7pm, and by then he's already started cooking for us. I'm trying to step up again with my side of this though. I know that it's something he appreciates and values. He taught himself to cook when he moved out of home at 16. His childhood saw him often fending for himself, including meals. He usually cooks from scratch for this reason - it's about the care and attention to the meal and sharing that with those he loves. It's only been in the last year or so that I discovered (and he shared), the extent of what cooking means to him. 

Balance/understanding is important. Rule in our home is whoever didn't cook has to clean. 

I'm curious how the rest of your house-hold is divided between you? Was he raised in a more traditional home?


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What are your and his work hours?
> 
> You listed all the things that you do around the house, shopping, cooking, etc. What does he do outside of his job? How much responsibility does he assume at home. I'm asking because it sounds like he does not do much at all. Is that right?
> 
> ...



His responsibilities are basically the cars when something goes mechanically wrong (he has a friend), when something in our apartment needs a little fix or replacement he will do it, and he is usually the one to take out the trash. That's it really. He will pick something up for the grocery store if we need it...but I do the bulk of the shopping. I also do all the finances. I do more than 70% of the work with the business. I make more than 50% of the income, there isn't a huge gap, but I do make more. We both work about the same hours...I work 8:30-5 and he works 9-6 because he likes to sleep in...and his job is practically around the corner. I generally get home from work 30 minutes before he does.

He's never liked the idea of sharing the household chores. I've even suggested once a week we both clean together to get the 'deep clean' stuff done faster, and it's like a mental wrestling match. I ask...just please rinse out your plate and put it in the dishwasher...which he pretty much never does. Maybe I'm an idiot...but I don't want to feel like Molly Maid and picking up behind someone all the time, and constantly concerned about the status of his stomach. I have things I want to do besides work and cook and clean, I need to go to the gym more often, I want to have a little time to read my books, crafts and organizing, and I also love to horseback ride once in awhile. Between work, the business, and cooking and cleaning up after him with what time? There's a reason I haven't had children, and it's because I feel like I have a lot I want to do and they require real care and commitment (and the hot meals every single day!). I never thought that having a husband was about taking care of another person by cooking and cleaning up after them..I always imagined it would be something we both did...and enjoyed it... :scratchhead: Someone that says 'hey babe thanks for the meal..I'll do the dishes' every once in a while.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I learned to cook when I was a teen.

I don't want to be in a relationship because I need someone to cook for me, clean up after me and generally be a mommy to me. I'm an adult man and can take care of myself just fine.

I want a woman to **** me like crazy and not be my mom.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Yeah....

Mom syndrome (see above post)

I would tend to argue that MOST women do NOT cook (I don't) I mean.. I can.. but I was not raised to be a stay at home mom, I never wanted to be one and most importantly I didn't LIKE cooking!

With that being said I DID cook (like you after working from 8am-8pm), I also took care of the household like you do. 

Actually my situation was worse in a way because I was diagnosed with a pretty severe neurological disorder and my stbxh took that as a license to basically abuse the relationship.

And I say stbxh because there were other issues (anger, alcohol etc) , but I always felt "used" and like someones mom. We actually went to MC and the counselor agreed that it was just ridiculous to have this type of dynamic.

I don't know how you can solve this if the situation is at this point.. I really don't... 

You will probably have to change the whole dynamic in the relationship. As in you give up X and cook or get a good take out place (some grocery stores have cooked, warm food)

I 100% feel your frustration. BTW he didn't know this until you guys got married? Because my stbx DID.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> Yeah....
> 
> Mom syndrome (see above post)
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry about the abuse. 

But yeah, I think a lot of the men who post about their sexless marriages but stay because "she keeps the house nice and still cooks for me" were never raised to take care of themselves. It's sad because if they had been raised a different way they wouldn't NEED a woman in their life and they could be more choosy.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

At first, I was going to say something like "cooking shows him love" but the more I read, the more he sounds like he thinks it's still the 1950s. I cook 3-4 nights per week, but I have kids. Once my kids are grown and gone, I'll probably cut that back and I LIKE to cook. 

I work from home and I don't work as many hours as my H, but he buses his own table! I would be very offended if he expected me to clean up after him. That, plus the fact that your H doesn't help with domestic chores, shows that he takes you for granted. 

I cook breakfast a few mornings a week and I usually make my H a sandwich to take to work. I know he likes it because he does equate cooking with love, but he shows me appreciation for it, and when I don't feel like it, he doesn't act like a whiny brat about it. He also often cooks on Sundays to give me a break. 

You're eventually going to build up a lot of resentment for this man. I say, unless you love cooking, spend your time doing things you do love that you mentioned. He's a grown man and if he can't figure out his way around the kitchen, he can microwave a TV dinner. You're not a housewife, but even if you were, his arms and legs aren't broken -- he can clean up behind himself. 

You can always try and talk this over with him but since he seems to think he does way more than you think, I can't see you two resolving it without MC.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

My situation is different from hers because of the abuse component, which btw I really didn't grasp until after we started MC, 3 years after it started.

So I know it was "too late" for us.

I think you are 100% correct, and I would add that most men still (subconsciously or whatever) hold these values that a woman should take care of the household. I can't even tell you how prevalent this is in my circles.

Funny you mention this stuff because I was in a serious relationship before where I was NEVER expected to cook/take care of the house etc (we switched or did it together) and sex was great! And we never felt like roommates.

I think there is something in most women's minds that when they switch to mommy mode it's just not a passionate marriage anymore.

I was always taught that even IF you are a mother you are a WIFE to your husband FIRST.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bunny23 said:


> I don't know how you can solve this if the situation is at this point.. I really don't... .


This. Every female friend I personally had who found herself in this situation ended up divorced. These men wanted their wives to be Suzy Homemaker AND Suzy CEO. How unfair is that? 

These men simply had not evolved enough to roll with the changes of what it takes to run a house when the wife works.

When I worked full time my husband did most of the cooking. My hours were longer than his and I was the breadwinner. I pitched in with other chores like cleaning, yard work, laundry and I cooked some too. There was balance.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

MambaZee said:


> At first, I was going to say something like "cooking shows him love" but the more I read, the more he sounds like he thinks it's still the 1950s. I cook 3-4 nights per week, but I have kids. Once my kids are grown and gone, I'll probably cut that back and I LIKE to cook.
> 
> I work from home and I don't work as many hours as my H, but he buses his own table! I would be very offended if he expected me to clean up after him. That, plus the fact that your H doesn't help with domestic chores, shows that he takes you for granted.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Some men want it ALL. 
BTW I 100% agree that even if you were at home you are not a servant. When exactly does a stay at home moms job END?


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> I was always taught that even IF you are a mother you are a WIFE to your husband FIRST.


This. 

I have 3 kids, I don't need a 4th who's in his 40s. My belief about marriage is that the H and W are supposed to be a team. If he and I aren't working together, how can we be good parents? I know women who have kids and their kids come _before_ their husbands; I don't agree with that at all.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I do all the cooking. But I like doing that for my H. That was one of the things he was most surprised about when we got married was that I could cook. I live with my parents up until we got married. I also clean the kitchen but that's because I don't like the way he cleans it. 

In my H circle of male friends they brag about their wife cooking skills. Some of them can cook also. The only thing my H can cook is eggs. 

I don't see cooking as being a wife duty if both are working. That should be something that worked out between the two. It's something I do for him and love doing. I'll be honest I love doing a lot of stuff for my H even laundry. But I don’t feel like it my duty to do it or that I would be a bad wife if I didnt do it. 

It help that my H is very appreciative


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Are men having Mad Men Flashback syndrome? 

Seriously though... I think marriage takes a lot of compromise and working together.

If he doesn't already realize this relationship is very tilted? I don't know how much talking you can do. I would stop cooking. Period.

Even if we take the stance that cooking is "nurturing" what is HE doing to nurture HER? It's a 2 way street


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sounds like he needs another mommy and not a wife.

How hard is it? If you cook,he cleans up. If he cooks,you clean up.

If you both work full time then you have to sit down and split the home chores as equally as possible unless one of your jobs has hours that are horrendous.In that situation,the person who works less hours needs to pick up more of the chores.

This isn't exactly rocket science.This is basic courtesy and pulling your weight. He's an adult,you're an adult.You shouldn't be doing it all and neither should he.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I had this issue with SO when he first came to live at my place.I flat out told him I am not his mother and while I will do things like cook and clean I will NOT do everything by myself.

It was grow up or get the f**k out,SO.

I watched my mother do that crap for years and I'd be damned if I was going to let that happen to me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your h is not doing his fair share of the work around the house. You both work full time, so the housework and cooking should be split 50/50.

If he expects you to work full time, come home clean and cook, then maybe you should cut your hours back. My ex h expected me to do it all. I was the breadwinner, housekeeper, babysitter, ect while he did whatever he pleased. He was future when I didn't make a "lunch" for him the following day. I left.

I'm a sahm now and I cook most days. There are days where I don't feel like cooking. Hubby takes over and has no issues whatsoever. Sometimes we do eat leftovers or I'll cook a new meal with leftovers.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I had this issue with SO when he first came to live at my place.I flat out told him I am not his mother and while I will do things like cook and clean I will NOT do everything by myself.
> 
> It was grow up or get the f**k out,SO.
> 
> I watched my mother do that crap for years and I'd be damned if I was going to let that happen to me.


This happened to my mother also, maybe why my sister and I were raised differently. However my mom was able to stay at home and my father didn't take her for granted. He did do a lot around the house and did all the "seasonal" cleaning.

My mom has always told me she regrets not focusing on her career and is finally in her 50's moving up/learning new things.

I think men are confused. They want everything- a best friend, a sex goddess, independant money motivated woman, maid, financial guru, babysitter...

Unless you have a split personality this will not happen. 

Most women who are focused on their career will eventually 
:

 Leave
Make drastic changes to the household
Resent you
Stop viewing you as a partner
Stop respecting your opinion
 Stop having sex with you (we usually don't f**k men we view as kids)

I really tried to do it all and with my neuro disorder I actually ended up even worse off.. developing what you would possibly view as sensory overload. It made me terribly ill and took a TON of work to get better. Stress is a huge issue for women.

The worst part is that I think this type of marriage will eventually expose you to other people who don't view life this way... and you endanger your relationship (I would venture to guess EA is possible as it has occurred to my friends)

All because of what? He is being stubborn and refuses to deal with his outdated thoughts on what a marriage should be like?

BTW if I were to EVER do this again, I would get a maid (if we both worked full-time) It's probably $100 + a week but worth it.
I notice a lot of relationships where the people are happy and focused on their marriage simply because they can afford and DO hire help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

struggle said:


> I actually agree with you that it's petty...I'm confused why he's throwing up his hands and walking away over this. I feel like we could work it out and we should share, do it together...or at least he pitch in voluntarily a portion of the time. And it's not happening, I've asked and asked. And I feel like if I were to say "ok ok fine..I will do ALL the cooking and cleaning"...that wouldn't make me...or consequently him..any happier.


Is he telling you that if you cook all the meals and do all the household chores that he will stay, otherwise he’ll leave? If so he’s threatening to leave you to get his way.

His chance of finding another woman who will do everything he wants her to do is very slim. Where does he get these ideas? Does his mother work full time and do everything at home too? Or is she a SAHM who does everything? Does he claim that his friends have wives who mother them?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I cook meals probably 4-5 times a week, mainly dinner. My husband can cook, but prefers to be my sous chef instead so it's a nice compromise. He chops ingredients, I put it all together. He cleans the kitchen too, not always, but we split that down the middle. The other chores... well I do them for the most part, but I know if I ASK him he will clean. I plan to have a honey do list ready for him because he's off the next 2 days. He's an awesome fridge and laundry room cleaner. 

IDK. OP considering you do everything else, I think your husband doesn't see it a hardship for you to also cook all the meals. And with his line of thinking I tend to agree. You do everything else. What's one more item on your list? I think you taught him over the years that you will be the 'do it all' type of person, so he's not concerned about piling another thing on your plate.

You can argue with him over it, or you can shut up and cook. I can't say his POV is that off in left field if you've been wonder woman for the duration of your relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You can argue with him over it, or you can shut up and cook. I can't say his POV is that off in left field if you've been wonder woman for the duration of your relationship.


Maybe she's been super woman all this time because he refuses to pitch in. So someone had to do all those this. I've been there. It was not what I wanted. It sounds like it's not what she's wanted either.

It sounds like she has talked to him till she's blue in the face to get him to off load some of the responsibility from her.

To say that since he bullied her into being 'super woman', then he wins and continues to get to bully her into doing even more is not a winning argument.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe she's been super woman all this time because he refuses to pitch in. So someone had to do all those this. I've been there. It was not what I wanted. It sounds like it's not what she's wanted either.
> 
> It sounds like she has talked to him till she's blue in the face to get him to off load some of the responsibility from her.
> 
> To say that since he bullied her into being 'super woman', then he wins and continues to get to bully her into doing even more is not a winning argument.


Ok so what is the alternative? I've done the superwoman thing too and it got me NO WHERE except angry. I found that if I had let things go way back when and not just jumped right in, my H was perfectly capable of taking up the slack. 

I don't think she was bullied. I don't think it's all on him. She's responsible for how she's treated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Ok so what is the alternative? I've done the superwoman thing too and it got me NO WHERE except angry. I found that if I had let things go way back when and not just jumped right in, my H was perfectly capable of taking up the slack.
> 
> I don't think she was bullied. I don't think it's all on him. She's responsible for how she's treated.


In my marriage to my son's father, when he refused to do any housework I hired a house keeper and told him he had to contribute half. He told me things like "I do not do toilets. I do not clean floors."

When we eventually, after years, let the housekeeper go he pitched in without a fight.

With my second husband, he refused to do anything. I was not able to hire anyone to help. I do consider myself bullied into having to take responsibility because things had to be done. His children had to eat, etc. And not doing the things did not lead to him seeing the light.

What did I do? I stopped doing anything for him. Eventually I divorced him.

Yes she's responsible for how she is treated. And it appears that the only way she will be treated with respect by him is for her to leave him. She's tried to get him to do his fair share. She cannot force him to treat her well.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cooking is a life skill. EVERYONE needs to be able to cook, at least a little. Pirates had to cook. Cowboys had to cook. There's nothing unmanly about frying an egg.

I probably do more cooking in our house than my wife does. I grew up in a house where my mom did all the cooking, and fortunately I paid a little attention to which end of the toaster to stick the bread in. Now, later in life I look at my dad, who's barely able to make a tuna sandwich for himself and wonder how he would ever cope if my mom dies first.

Eating is not gender-specific, and food needs to be cooked.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *Elegirl said:* Yes she's responsible for how she is treated. And it appears that the only way she will be treated with respect by him is for her to leave him. She's tried to get him to do his fair share. She cannot force him to treat her well.


EXACTLY.

Coming here to talk about it isn't doing her any good. She has to take action, or shut up and do what he's asking.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my posts, but this situation is remedied easily. If she wants to stay married to this man, this is what's required. I don't get in any of this thread that she no longer cares to stay married to him. Do you?

ETA: Arguing about it isn't getting anywhere. Why keep banging your head against the wall OP?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Would you mind if I turned this around? I'm a guy and my favorite hobby is cooking. I have a ton of recipes that I try, tweak them and make them my own and if no one minds, I'll give myself a small pat on the back because I'm good as it.

When I married my second wife, she was a clean freak. Every Saturday the house was cleaned top to bottom and don't get in her way because you could get run over by the vacuum cleaner. She was really good at it but my God for her to be behind a stove was a disaster. One night shortly after we were married, she made.............something. I don't know what is was but after dinner I reached for the bread, peanut butter, jelly and made a suggestion that I do the cooking and she agreed and was very happy about it.

We both worked and my type of work was physical and when I came home I was hungry. Now we might have eaten dinner a little later than most people by maybe an hour but it was a good dinner. It wasn't every night because there were always left overs and why waste right? 

My point is this. If both are working and no doubt tired when you come home, it doesn't have to be a champagne dinner but a good hot stick to your ribs supper. Next day? finish it up and then cook something else. If he wants a big dinner, plan a day and make a big dinner and if you make a sandwich for him, make it a doozey of a sandwich where an hour later he isn't hungry and every once in a while, hand him the wooden spoon and say your turn. I know most guys can't cook but have no problem parking their a$$ behind a grill. Why? haven't a clue.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

6301 said:


> I know most guys can't cook but have no problem parking their a$$ behind a grill. Why? haven't a clue.


Me neither. When H cooks, 9 times out of 10 it's been barbequed. And my kitchen ends up looking like a horror movie set. But I appreciate his effort.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm curious how the rest of your house-hold is divided between you? Was he raised in a more traditional home?


Great question. 

He is Latino. The beginning of his life was very "traditional" for a middle-class income latino family living in their country. His father worked and always had side businesses. His mother owned a business, but they had maids that cooked and cleaned the house, and had a nanny. Like...fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning and hot chocolate before bedtime. Sometimes he was the first kid in his town to get cool electronics from America when his dad came back from a trip. In a tropical country their is an ungodly amount of food available..naturally (bananas, coconut, mango, etc etc) so cooking and food was 24-7 I would imagine. He saw his mother take care of his dad by serving him dinner with beautiful presentation, and lay out his work clothes. I wasn't there...but I cannot imagine she did all the cooking and cleaning because...well...they had hired help, but my theory is that she had TIME to consider the details. When his mom left his dad and moved to the US when he was a mid-teen, he, his sisters and his mom moved in with his grandmother in a 1 br apartment. His grandma essentially ended up retiring to take care of him and his siblings while his mom worked her a** off to pay the bills and give her kids everything she could. She even told me that she had been trying her best not to lower their standard of living. His grandma and his mom are the two most hardworking, selfless people I've ever met.....They give without expecting anything, two people that truly give from their heart with what they have, including money. His grandma ended up being the cook and maid (she still is at 80+ years old!) while his mom works hard everyday at her business. So...that's how he was raised.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I learned to cook when I was a teen.
> 
> I don't want to be in a relationship because I need someone to cook for me, clean up after me and generally be a mommy to me. I'm an adult man and can take care of myself just fine.
> 
> I want a woman to **** me like crazy and not be my mom.


Not in disagreement with you at all


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

struggle said:


> Great question.
> 
> He is Latino. The beginning of his life was very "traditional" for a middle-class income latino family living in their country. His father worked and always had side businesses. His mother owned a business, but they had maids that cooked and cleaned the house, and had a nanny. Like...fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning and hot chocolate before bedtime. Sometimes he was the first kid in his town to get cool electronics from America when his dad came back from a trip. In a tropical country their is an ungodly amount of food available..naturally (bananas, coconut, mango, etc etc) so cooking and food was 24-7 I would imagine. He saw his mother take care of his dad by serving him dinner with beautiful presentation, and lay out his work clothes. I wasn't there...but I cannot imagine she did all the cooking and cleaning because...well...they had hired help, but my theory is that she had TIME to consider the details. When his mom left his dad and moved to the US when he was a mid-teen, he, his sisters and his mom moved in with his grandmother in a 1 br apartment. His grandma essentially ended up retiring to take care of him and his siblings while his mom worked her a** off to pay the bills and give her kids everything she could. She even told me that she had been trying her best not to lower their standard of living. His grandma and his mom are the two most hardworking, selfless people I've ever met.....They give without expecting anything, two people that truly give from their heart with what they have, including money. His grandma ended up being the cook and maid (she still is at 80+ years old!) while his mom works hard everyday at her business. So...that's how he was raised.


This explains a lot about his line of thinking and his expectations from you. The women worked hard, did everything, and that's what he grew up seeing and was on the receiving end of. Coupled with his culture, he's set in his ways.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I enjoy cooking, and I'm better at it so I do it a lot. That said, there's definitely something to this business about keeping a man happy by keeping his belly full and his balls empty. It makes you feel like a priority. I'm pretty sure I'd be happy with just the latter. OP, are you falling down there too? If you are then now amount of other stuff regardless of what it is will make up for the 'big two'.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I work a full time job, do most of the cleaning etc. but I love cooking for my husband. He appreciates it wholly and shows it! It makes me feel good that he enjoys what I prepare for him. He gets regular sex too so, he has nothing to complain about.

Just this past Sunday, I fried 50 wings and made lasagna and snacks for the kickoff to the NFL season. He was in heaven, and showed his appreciation by cleaning the kitchen and putting all the leftovers away. 

Wanting to do it and not wanting to do it makes all the difference. The response I got was positive, so I will keep doing it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry Struggle but I can't STAND men like your husband.

Here's what my wife and I do.

I handle 90% of the outdoor stuff and on the days where it's major, she'll handle 90% of the indoor chores. But outdoor chores go with the seasons while indoors in constant.

For the most part, I cook 80% of the time. I'm a much better cook/griller than my wife. She does a lot of the baking. She has to follow recipes where I'm more of a natural chef, so that's our routine. Whoever cooks, the other cleans the kitchen afterwards. EVERYONE puts their dirty dishes either in the sink, or if it's dirty..the dishwasher, kids included.

I'll run the dirty laundry through the washer and dryer, she does the folding and putting away.

She does day to day bill paying while I set the monthly budgets.

When we're on cleaning sprees (company coming over etc) we divide and conquer.

Bottom line, we split the work 50% with a little give and take to jobs that one or the other hates to do.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> Yeah....
> 
> You will probably have to change the whole dynamic in the relationship. As in you give up X and cook or get a good take out place (some grocery stores have cooked, warm food)
> 
> I 100% feel your frustration. BTW he didn't know this until you guys got married? Because my stbx DID.



Ok so....I've read ahead to all the posts so I'm trying to kill a few birds with one stone here.

In the BEGINNING of the relationship, he knew I was not a Molly Maid, or the Iron Chef. I can clean (never good enough for him but hey I try), and I can definitely cook, although nothing gourmet (I did make a pretty good tiramisu once...I was very proud). I am the master of alfredo pasta....ok well the alfredo comes from the jar haha. I had to learn how to cook better and different with him because he's Latino and ate different than I had pretty much my whole life (rice and beans, saucy foods, different spices etc etc), and I feel like I can hold my own. He even acknowledged that I wasn't perfect in that stuff, but he said "I'm low maintenance. I don't care about that, I just want someone who is smart and funny, I can have a conversation with, is sweet, and likes to travel". Well hello! (ok sweet most of the time lol).

Our living dynamic was also different in the beginning...I was unemployed at the time and he was working. I was at home the first year and a half of our relationship so I'm sure I cooked more. Then I got a job. Then he was unemployed for 2 years. Then we started a business. I got way busier and I thought he would pitch in, but he wants me to keep doing the same things at home. Things were too stressful between us money-wise so he finally got a full-time job a few months ago. I would love to change the dynamic of our relationship, if he does most of the cleaning...pssshhh I will do all the cooking. But he doesn't want to.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I think that if he considers cooking a big factor in what makes him feel important to you or a priority then you should make the effort to do it more, but I would also hope he is doing his own part to make you feel like his priority. It has to work both ways....


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

struggle said:


> I'm being told I'm missing the 'big' picture with my marriage problems. So I'm trying to really absorb everything he's telling me but this still gets me.
> 
> Maybe I'm just not a good wife, but I don't really find it important to cook everyday, 2-3 meals a day.
> On average I cook probably 3-5 dinners a week (leftovers I always try to give for lunch or part of dinner the next day-which is a good portion of the time NOT eaten). About 1 night a week I'm tired and just throw together something quick like a sandwich...which he will usually say 'no' to because he's super hungry and wants a full meal. I've never really bothered him to cook for me. If I'm hungry I go to the kitchen and eat/cook something. Sometimes he will cook for himself when he's hungry and share with me..but I don't remember the last time i asked him to cook me dinner
> ...


well i know that I appreciate my wife's cooking alot. If I didn't eat her food I'd weight 600 pounds. Anyway don't worry about the mess. If you make him food he should be willing to clean up or help clean up.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> Funny you mention this stuff because I was in a serious relationship before where I was NEVER expected to cook/take care of the house etc (we switched or did it together) and sex was great! And we never felt like roommates.
> 
> I think there is something in most women's minds that when they switch to mommy mode it's just not a passionate marriage anymore.
> 
> I was always taught that even IF you are a mother you are a WIFE to your husband FIRST.



YES....I have had a hard time with mommy mode. Which is what I feel like I need to be with him. He doesn't SEE it as mommy mode...but that's how I see/feel it. 

I wanted to feel appreciated. I wasn't getting it. I was supposed to do this stuff. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. If I cleaned...and I left the counters a little wet from wiping them down, he'd mention how much it bothered him. "Wring the rag out more...the counters are too wet. Don't leave it crumpled on the counter it stays wet and smells..lay it out." I'd bring him a bowl of soup "That's it? I'm a man I need more food than this. This is like an appetizer" I'd make something with canned beans..."Is this fresh beans or canned?" "Canned". "Oh"..disappointed look. Are some examples. Cooking for him requires some imagination too because he doesn't eat most meat...so it's not like I can just bake up some chicken breasts and wild rice real quick. Tofu, fish, or beans are his main source of protein. I'm pretty sick of tofu, fish and beans. I'd step up and do a bunch of cleaning, and he wouldn't say anything. I'd come up and sit on his lap, "look babe, I cleaned this and this AND made you dinner"...totally fishing for acknowledgement. "And...? You're supposed to do that" (more or less is what he'd say). He told me a few times about how he didn't like the way I approached him for sex...like I do it weird. I asked him well how would you like me to do it, "you don't know? you should know this you're a woman. I dunno...candles...lingerie...something like that". Tried that..turned out to be a flop because he came home and just said "just wait...I'm starving". Food over sex....I'm so confused.

No flowers, suprise little gifts...me coming home with our bags packed (come baby I'm taking you away for a weekend), coming home to a full course dinner from HIM...or coming home to him in a thong or SOMETHING (for example lmao). No 'here honey here's some money to help with bills and rent'. Everything came out of my paycheck unless I literally went into his bank account to pay some bills. I really wanted him to VOLUNTARILY help me, but I was just doing what I could so I wasn't broke. I asked and asked and asked...please please lets put our money together and pay bills, save, etc etc....but he never did it. Not saying he didn't step in...but I had to ask. I was always trying to scheme up ways to take him away for a weekend but money always came up short because I was paying for everything. And I didn't want to ask him because ... well then it's not a surprise. Romance died. Just a couple months ago I started asking for my OWN stuff finally..I'd been supporting him and the business he wanted financially and with a lot of my time, now I would like something of my own. Well it was all downhill from there.

And to answer another posters question..so did the sex. I will take some blame for this...I should've had more sex with him but the motivation just died with all these things going on. Switching from mommy mode to sexy wife is a skill I don't seem to have. I wasn't treated like a sexy wife. Does that make sense? The double wammy in a marriage...I know


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> Most women who are focused on their career will eventually
> :
> 
> Leave
> ...


The list above all happened, well I didn't leave he did...I was just dealing with it. But all so true.

I'm seriously considering a maid in the future. I don't think my H will ever change his mind...so we probably won't make it past this seperation.... but for my next relationship - I've learned some big lessons here.

And he is being stubborn, and unfair....I feel. He doesn't want to make any compromise, it's me that has to change. If I change and do more....MAYBE he will step up then because he feels better? Doubtful.

And for ME..cooking and cleaning is not a detrimental thing IF done in a shared manner. It seems most posters here share with their spouses....so I guess I'm not crazy in thinking that he should help...or step up somewhere else so I can step up in cooking. However...I'm told I'm missing the 'big picture'. So I'm still trying to see the big picture of what he's talking about.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Quick! Change the locks before he decides he'll let you be his slave, again.


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

struggle said:


> I'm being told I'm missing the 'big' picture with my marriage problems. So I'm trying to really absorb everything he's telling me but this still gets me.
> 
> Maybe I'm just not a good wife, but I don't really find it important to cook everyday, 2-3 meals a day.
> On average I cook probably 3-5 dinners a week (leftovers I always try to give for lunch or part of dinner the next day-which is a good portion of the time NOT eaten). About 1 night a week I'm tired and just throw together something quick like a sandwich...which he will usually say 'no' to because he's super hungry and wants a full meal. I've never really bothered him to cook for me. If I'm hungry I go to the kitchen and eat/cook something. Sometimes he will cook for himself when he's hungry and share with me..but I don't remember the last time i asked him to cook me dinner
> ...



It's important to HIM, which is the key piece of information. Finding out what's important to other people's spouses isn't going to help. There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' which is what you seem to be seeking.

Turn the tables, if something was important to you, he didn't do it and then tried finding people that agreed with him rather than find a way to meet your needs, you'd be pretty ticked off.

If he really feels this is key - I'd find some ways to help make that happen if you're a stay at home wife. There are lots of ways to cook one time and make several meals with that, like a Cook Once, Eat Twice type of cookbook.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Is he telling you that if you cook all the meals and do all the household chores that he will stay, otherwise he’ll leave? If so he’s threatening to leave you to get his way.
> 
> His chance of finding another woman who will do everything he wants her to do is very slim. Where does he get these ideas? Does his mother work full time and do everything at home too? Or is she a SAHM who does everything? Does he claim that his friends have wives who mother them?



Yes...he's threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way. Good summary. 

My friend tells me the same thing...she says she will be waiting for this superwoman he wants to come along and maybe she can interview for tips on how she does it. Does all the cooking, cleaning, works full time, pays the bills, stays sweet with no attitude or opinion, and gives him lots of sex? All while he keeps his money unless needed by request. 

And for the record...he is not a complete slob (like peeing all over or dropping food on the floor and leaving it)...but he is by no means neat. So it's not like cleaning as in "oh let me just wipe down the counters, and vacuum the floor". He throws his clothes in random places throughout the house, leaves dirty napkins, water bottles, receipts, equipment, pens and tools sitting where they may, doesn't do his dishes, knocks stuff over (like paperwork) and leaves it there, leaves his shoes out, so on and so forth. It's like he's waiting for magic cleaning fairy to come up behind him and pick up after him. If I'm not on top of it (which I'm not)..it gets cluttered very quickly and it's a chore.

I talked about his mom in a previous post in the thread so you can see the background there. But apparently he's talking to a lot of men that are like "oh yeah...sex and food....two of the most important things from a woman"...and women who have kids and work and say "I cook everyday..I rush home to make my kids and husband dinner. My husband has a very physical job and works later than me so I cook". 

Whereas I'm talking to people...women who say, "you should share responsibility..why doesn't he want to? It's stupid" And men who say "we share...when she cooks I clean and vice versa." So I'm not understanding how we are talking to two polar opposites. I'm trying to find someone who says 'YES...you should cook and clean and do everything for your husband. Nothing else matters. Work, cook, clean, pay the bills and sex him up. It's your job.' But I have yet to find them for an interview (haha). 

He might just be hearing what he wants to hear...or asking the question in such a way that he gets the answer he wants from people. Or maybe he's really just talking to people with the same values and point of view as him...

He is also emotionally mommy-coddled by his mom and his sisters. They aren't taking sides, but aren't telling him to step up and make it work. Compromise. He's the only son and the oldest so it's like they don't want to argue with him.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Moulin said:


> It's important to HIM, which is the key piece of information. Finding out what's important to other people's spouses isn't going to help. There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' which is what you seem to be seeking.
> 
> Turn the tables, if something was important to you, he didn't do it and then tried finding people that agreed with him rather than find a way to meet your needs, you'd be pretty ticked off.
> 
> If he really feels this is key - I'd find some ways to help make that happen if you're a stay at home wife. There are lots of ways to cook one time and make several meals with that, like a Cook Once, Eat Twice type of cookbook.


I'm definitely NOT a stay at home wife. I work a full time job plus a majority of our business. 

It's not like I DON'T cook at all...just not everyday.... And when I mean cook I mean like....a full big Sunday meal. He refuses most leftovers too (from the day before). He hates frozen dinners, and complains if he's forced to eat one. He's mostly vegetarian and honestly he gets sick off most food if we eat out except for a few vegan/vegetarian/pho places. When I'm hungry I go to the kitchen and fry up a couple eggs, or cook some nuggets if he's not home - if he is home I offer him some. I don't blame him for my hunger. He blames me for his hunger. 

He's had quite a few medical issues the past couple years and, besides calling to make his doctor appointments, I've footed the bills. He has a terrible time sleeping but won't go to a sleep study. Lots of back pain. Something is always making him sick or in pain. He's super sensitive to light when he's trying to sleep, so when I get up in the morning for work it likes walking around a minefield trying not to wake him.

I ask him to help with anything around the house...he usually doesn't. 
Travel was important to me...it was the basis of our relationship, something we had in common. Things changed, and I sacrificed my time and money for the past 3 years for the business he wanted. Do you think he ever took me ANYWHERE? Never. 
I started working with horses again....asking him please please...I have place to board my horse for free I just need to buy one. 
"We can't afford it". 
"Yes we can we both work now, I love it I want to do it."
"It's up to you...but we can barely take care of ourselves here"
"Oh so it's ok to spend $25k on the business but not $1k on a horse?"
"The business makes money...horses don't. Plus how are you going to have time?"
So...that conversation NEVER ended well.
BTW he spent that $1K worth of help on his car...to get it repainted because there were some dents and scratches from the previous owner.

No...I'm not trying to get out of cooking for him...but he has a whole lot of taking and very little giving. I never presented myself as mother-do-all. When I start talking about all this it makes me feel totally manipulated and jipped. Like my last marriage.. Ughh. In the emotional moment..I feel like I'M the one doing something wrong.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Your husband sounds like the male equivalent of an entitled princess. Wouldn't we all love to have a spouse do all of the work while we sit on a throne barking orders. Yuck. This would be a deal breaker for me, a total lack of empathy, respect, and maturity.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

At different times of our marriage we have had different requirements on us and I suppose expectantions of each other.

When my wife was @ home minding kids I used to expect/hope she would cook meals. I remember seeing it as something I deserved and as a way of showing she cares.

Nowadays we kinda have a relaxed way about it and I am more aware of how much time she puts into everything around the home... so don't have the same expectations as before.

If I work late or she feels like it she takes on the cooking role. And if she is busy or I feel like cooking a particular dish I cook.

I enjoy cooking and trying new recipes that appeal to me when I have off days . I am not as good as her and tend to cook variations of a handful of dishes I am comfortable with.

I generally don't like sandwiches for main meal as I don't get filled by it and will have to eat another meal later.

We have standard go-to meals that take minimal time yet are tasty and healthy that we can sling out while helping kids with homework.

A crock pot/slow cooker can take the pressure off of preparing a 'full' evening meal when you know the day is going to be busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

First, let me say that I do agree with the other people who say your husband should help you out around the house more. 

That said, I do think a wife should cook for her husband. It's hard to explain really, I don't think I can put into words how special and loved it makes me feel when my wife fixes dinner for me.

Of course I do the dishes and such, it's only fair.


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## pbjporvida (Feb 25, 2013)

how about this
I earn 98 percent of the income
I work 10 to 12 hours a day
she takes friends kids to school
she cleans up kitchen & living room once in a while 
she never cleans or pick ups our bedroom or bathroom
she complains that i dont help around the house enough
i get a meal cooked by her maybe 2 times a week
she makes my lunch maybe 3 times a week
she makes me breakfast maybe 2 times a week

I work behind a desk all day but I do come home exhausted after dealing with my employees & customers.All i hear from her is how tired she is.She gets a job then leaves it after a few weeks.If she provide even 50 percent of the income I would not have a problem with helping out around the house more.But I really dont see why I should.Its difficult stretching an $4000 dollar a month paycheck when $4000 to $4500 in bills a month go out and I should still have to worry about helping out around the house?


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Your husband sounds like an a-hole. 
Yes, a woman should look after her husband and meet his needs. But vice versa, a man should also look after his wife and meet her needs.. It's a two-way street, a relationship, not a slave and master scenario. If both are doing their part to give to their spouse, it should be an enjoyable task to do things for your SO. But if one spouse is demanding and not giving in return, well, that's no marriage at all.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't get why you are breaking your back trying to please this man. That's an absolute deal breaker for me. My H and I both work full time. Neither of us wanted to cook or clean so we hired it out, end of story. 

If I was you, I would cook one night. Then the next night, I would sit at the table with a fork and knife and say "I'm hungry. I cooked last night so what are you cooking me tonight?" OR I would cook every night but when the dishes are piled so high in the sink that nothing is left to cook with, I'd let him know that there would be no more cooking until he cleans the dishes.

Just stop putting up with it, period. If that's a deal breaker for him, then so be it.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Ok so what is the alternative? I've done the superwoman thing too and it got me NO WHERE except angry. I found that if I had let things go way back when and not just jumped right in, my H was perfectly capable of taking up the slack.



...would you say that doing the whole superwoman thing was (dramatic pause) a bit much?

ba dum shhh! 


haha


anyway, i also agree that he needs to step up and care for his house. well, he certainly was spoiled when he was a boy! I can't imagine not having to clean up after myself and having a maid to do everything! 

be strong, know where your boundaries are. or watch resentment seep in.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

struggle said:


> Yes...he's threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way. Good summary.
> 
> My friend tells me the same thing...she says she will be waiting for this superwoman he wants to come along and maybe she can interview for tips on how she does it. Does all the cooking, cleaning, works full time, pays the bills, stays sweet with no attitude or opinion, and gives him lots of sex? All while he keeps his money unless needed by request.
> 
> ...


I've known several husbands like yours. My dad is one of them. The bottom line for them is that they grew up that way and see it as the proper way things should be done. Convincing someone who considers this proper that they should change is very hard. In fact for most that I've known they never changed but compromised on other things. This compromise works to a certain extent but it fails in the long term. 

Too many women that I have known doing this become bitter in the end. The husband retires but expects the wife to continue working until her dying day. This attitude cause extreme resentment and bitterness late in life when things are getting harder. 

It needs to be fixed now because it's only going to get worse. You will need to be a bit extreme and call his threat. Good luck to you and I hope he chooses to listen and help out.

My wife and I are in our 50s so we are not old school in these beliefs bit we are not young either. We split cooking. She cooks three days as do I and we eat out on Saturdays. We both enjoy trying to find good meals to satisfy each other and it's been rewarding. In addition when one cooks the other cleans up. We established this from day one on our marriage partly because of my observations above and it works for us.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You know what? The next time you serve him a bowl of soup, put the can in the bowl and give it to him. Tell him if he want the soup, open the can with the point on his head. Then tell him if the house and food isn't up to his impeccable standards, tell him to hire Grandma whose 80+ years old.

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a chef and a maid. If you feel that your giving your best and your best isn't good enough then by all means you have the right to tell him to take it someplace else. It's plain selfish, rude and ignorant. Problem is it sounds like he thinks he's entitled. Well so are you. Stop taking the Bull $h!t off him and maybe he'll climb off his high horse and act like a man for a change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

captainstormy said:


> First, let me say that I do agree with the other people who say your husband should help you out around the house more.
> 
> That said, I do think a wife should cook for her husband. It's hard to explain really, I don't think I can put into words how special and loved it makes me feel when my wife fixes dinner for me.
> 
> Of course I do the dishes and such, it's only fair.


Gee, maybe a woman who goes out and works all day, and does the housework, would also feel like it would be special and loved if her husband cooked for her about half of the time.

This goes both ways you know?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pbjporvida said:


> how about this
> I earn 98 percent of the income
> I work 10 to 12 hours a day
> she takes friends kids to school
> ...


Yes, the OP is not the only person with a spouse who takes advantage.

Why do you put up with this nonsense?


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Gee, maybe a woman who goes out and works all day, and does the housework, would also feel like it would be special and loved if her husband cooked for her about half of the time.
> 
> *This goes both ways you know?*


Wish I could "like" this about a million more times.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

To cook for him is to love him. That's his love language.

How about working part time, and stay at home part time? 
Or, do an online business or home based business and then you'll feel less strained on cooking.

I don't quite like cooking, and I dislike washing the dishes, but I do them because it makes my husband feel loved.
When he is happy, I am happy.


Marriage is about giving your best to your so, not your career.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wasn't really important when I was married, especially since she can't cook for sh-t anyways. It was mostly a joke. Still, she did improve over the years, and has always - and I mean always, put food on the table when I got home. Very consistent.

We had other issues to drive us apart, but ultimately she inherited the home she built for our family without any quarrel from me based on the amount of work and effort she has contributed over the years, so it paid off for her I guess (besides I wasn't going to lose my business, rather lose my house!  )

In that respect she was a good wife. But cooking isn't really important in the end.

HOWEVER, the saying that the stomach is the way to a man's heart is also very true. Sometimes she does surprise me, and good food from her does make me more affectionate.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

struggle said:


> I'm being told I'm missing the 'big' picture with my marriage problems. So I'm trying to really absorb everything he's telling me but this still gets me.
> 
> Maybe I'm just not a good wife, but I don't really find it important to cook everyday, 2-3 meals a day.
> On average I cook probably 3-5 dinners a week (leftovers I always try to give for lunch or part of dinner the next day-which is a good portion of the time NOT eaten). About 1 night a week I'm tired and just throw together something quick like a sandwich...which he will usually say 'no' to because he's super hungry and wants a full meal. I've never really bothered him to cook for me. If I'm hungry I go to the kitchen and eat/cook something. Sometimes he will cook for himself when he's hungry and share with me..but I don't remember the last time i asked him to cook me dinner
> ...


Fcuk food. My wife is frantic to cook for me, and wash my clothes, to absolve herself of her duties as a wife, as she is incapable of giving me any true validation as a Man, or of having any genuine sexual attraction to me, so she has to make up for it by aggressively cooking and cleaning to feel good about herself, because she cannot validate me on a visceral level at all and does not want to feel bad for failing to do so, so forces her food on me. So I say, fcuk food.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

*Re: Re: How Important is Cooking for your Man?*



EleGirl said:


> Gee, maybe a woman who goes out and works all day, and does the housework, would also feel like it would be special and loved if her husband cooked for her about half of the time.
> 
> This goes both ways you know?


We worked out what works for us. She cooks and I do the grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is without a doubt the most hated thing for her to do, so I do it for her.

And, I've told her she can quit her job if she wants. I earn over 80% of the income coming into the home. She would rather work to keep her busy.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

yours4ever said:


> To cook for him is to love him. That's his love language.
> 
> How about working part time, and stay at home part time?
> Or, do an online business or home based business and then you'll feel less strained on cooking.
> ...


Not everyone can cut back their hours at work or work PT. They might not be able to afford that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Or, do an online business or home based business and then you'll feel less strained on cooking.


Not everyone is cut out to be selling Mary Kay to make the rent.



> Marriage is about giving your best to your so, not your career.


Why is this being said of the OP but not the husband? Besides contributing money to the household via his career, what is he contributing to this party? Is he giving his best?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

struggle said:


> We both work full-time, I'm at a desk job and he does maintenance so he does a lot more physical labor than me during his workday. Which he likes to remind me. Therefore, I should be the one cooking and making sure my man is properly fed. I hear what he is saying, and I understand it, but the feminist in me saying "wtf".


If I was you, I'd listen to your inner feminist. 

He sounds like he has serious entitlement issues and needs to grow up and realize it's the 21st century. If you both bring home bacon then there should be equal time frying it up. Once he does it a few times himself, the Martha Stewart expectations will fall by the wayside


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No one LIKES to clean up a kitchen...


..except me!
I love to clean the kitchen , whether she cooked or I cooked.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

struggle said:


> Great question.
> 
> He is Latino. The beginning of his life was very "traditional" for a middle-class income latino family living in their country. His father worked and always had side businesses. His mother owned a business, but they had maids that cooked and cleaned the house, and had a nanny. Like...fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning and hot chocolate before bedtime. ....
> 
> His grandma ended up being the cook and maid (she still is at 80+ years old!) while his mom works hard everyday at her business. So...that's how he was raised.


^^You'll never live up. My H was raised on a family farm with his grandparents and parents in the same house and two women catering to him constantly.... 

You have to put your foot down. I tell my husband he was spoiled by all that catering, there's only one of me and I'll never live up to his childhood. So get over it and grow up.

The book "Boundaries in Marriage" helped me.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

struggle said:


> Yes...he's threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way. Good summary.


Really??? :rofl:

You don't have kids with him do you?

Help him pack!


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Having dinner together is nice. Living like roommates, imo, is not.
> 
> Maybe have a cooking schedule. Each of you take a couple nights a week to cook or cook together. Eat together...as the family you are.
> 
> ...


Completely agree with this.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I love cooking and I like eating healthy food, so cooking for my SO isn't a problem for me. However, even though I don't work and my SO does, he also likes to cook so he takes charge of the kitchen on a regular basis. 

In your case, both of you work, so it isn't reasonable for him to expect you to be chief cook and bottle washer, too. How about preparing meals together, or one of you cook and the other lays the table and the other does the cleaning up?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I like cooking and on weekends I do a fair part of it. My wife is a decent cook but lacks the attention to detail for getting meat done right. Most people don't realize that the "window" between not-done-in-the-middle and overcooked/dry is only a few minutes.
With the bbq, some smoker chips, our convection oven, and a good meat thermometer, I can usually crank out something better than what can be found at most restaurants. It's enjoyable to have people over and hear "those are the best ribs I've ever had!".
To address the OP's question better, the days of the SAHW are gone for most couples, and it's reasonable to share some household duties. I cook, she cleans, or vice versa.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Every person is different. One man values sex. One man values cooking. One woman values money. One woman values conversation. People do not really decide what their important needs are, you marry a person with certain needs that don't change around too much.

In a marriage, knowledge of what the other person values is more precious than gold. In fact, the "process" of marriage is to learn what makes your spouse unique as an individual.

In marriage and in life sometimes we "give" and sometimes we "recieve". So to be effective as a marital partner, you should spend your "giving" energy on things that are going to be most valued by the receiver.

Let's say my wife asks me to paint a room. I paint it. She doesn't like the color. She asks me to repaint it a different color. I could get annoyed that I have to do extra work... But, a more effective way of looking at things is that I am going to spend X percent of time in a week doing things for my wife. What difference does it make if I spend this time painting a room 2,3 or 5 times? If that's what she wants, and it fits within the energy I plan to use to "give" to my wife, then that's what I'll do... It makes no sense to leave her with a bad colored room and me to use energy to work on a different project that she does not care as much about.

So if your husband values cooking, and you want to be a good wife to your husband, then you should cook. And you should orient your life in such a way that your marriage gets a significant part of your energy and focus, since a marriage and family is of utmost importance in life.

Think of what kind of life and marriage you had where your husband is actively seeking to meet your needs and you are doing the same...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My W stays at home, empty nest. She cooks, cleans, dusts, vacuums, does laundry, all the things to keep the household running. I feel spoiled, as I've never had that before. All that and she looks good doing it, too. 

However, I have lived alone long enough, and am not so self-entitled as to not do all the same things. I like to cook. I can clean quite well (Ma told me when young she just didn't think males could "see" dirt, lol), I can not only run the vacuum, but fix it if it's not sucking right. I can do launrdy, but W is very particular about that and actually won't LET me do it (OK, W). All that. 

Since she stays at home, and I work, well, this is logical and doesn't seem to align with your question, OP. But my point is, I can work all day (and yes, I used to be a mechanic, so I know the strain) and still come home and cook that damned bacon too. 

So since I get to wear my anonymous judgemental hat here, I think your man is lazy. Working 8 hours a day, 9? Big effing deal. Try ranching. 

If you want to please him in this arena, buy more "fast prep" foods, so you can throw three ingredients in a pan and have an instant meal (almost instant). Make it easy for you, and make it tasty for him. 

I'd tell him he could get his own damned napkins, though. Geez.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP has to ask her husband to contribute financially to the household; he turns up his nose at canned beans (as if she has time to cook dried beans); he won't eat leftovers; it isn't 'his' job to clean the house. This man is only interested in having his needs met.

What exactly did he do when he was unemployed for 2 years?

Since you're separated, think long and hard if you want him back rather than trying to turn yourself into a pretzel to please him.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

My wife and I used to share the cooking duties pretty evenly. At the moment, I am the lead cook in the household. That is due to my finally being done with school and having a job that is far less demanding and stressful than hers. It really helps that we have similar preferences in regards to food. She plans the meals and buy the groceries. I do the cooking and cleanup. It works out really well.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP has to ask her husband to contribute financially to the household; he turns up his nose at canned beans (as if she has time to cook dried beans); he won't eat leftovers; it isn't 'his' job to clean the house. This man is only interested in having his needs met.
> 
> What exactly did he do when he was unemployed for 2 years?
> 
> Since you're separated, think long and hard if you want him back rather than trying to turn yourself into a pretzel to please him.


The first half of a year he actually made extra money on craigslist. It wasn't a lot of money, and it was a lot of work, but it was cash. The last half and part of the second year he did home-studies on the business he wanted to start. I worked full-time and he basically stayed home. The rest of the second we started the at-home business, and it was the beginning stages so he was still learning and getting the name out there. 

The third year we made an agreement that he would run the business full-time, work part time to basically cover his child support and gas money, and I would work full-time and pay the bills. His part time was sometimes 0 days a week-3 days a week, it wasn't that consistant. And he also didn't run the business like he should have. Come to find out he's not that great with business, time management, marketing, self-starting etc....so I ended up picking up the slack when I came home from work. He would get distracted with the internet, and I would come home with practically nothing done and a dirtier house because he wouldn't pick up after himself. 

Not that I ever asked him to, but HE didn't even take the time to make me dinner when he was home, sorta working sorta playing on the internet....just to make a point....

When all that was happening that's when our fighting started....ungreatful little sh*t....ugh. 

He likes to tell me 'oh I made money...I always made a little bit of money...don't tell people you were paying for me .....When you met me I had a nice little apartment and a job..remember?' Really? Your little money has paid all the bills these past few years huh? Gah....



doubletrouble said:


> Since she stays at home, and I work, well, this is logical and doesn't seem to align with your question, OP. But my point is, I can work all day (and yes, I used to be a mechanic, so I know the strain) and still come home and cook that damned bacon too.
> 
> So since I get to wear my anonymous judgemental hat here, I think your man is lazy. Working 8 hours a day, 9? Big effing deal. Try ranching.
> 
> ...


Good lord...if I had a man that worked his a** off all day and still came home and cooked me a nice meal every so often I would be beside myself.

You judgemental hat is the right color...he is pretty freakin' lazy. He works hard at work...according to him. But at home....nah.

I would love to make him some fast prep food if he wasn't so dang picky. He hates canned anything....he hates frozen meals except for Amy's Lasagnas....he doesn't eat meat except fish...he's lactose intolerant so careful on the cheese...frozen Morningstar products are a quick fix but I can tell he usually doesn't feel like he got a good meal from that (even if I make mashed potatoes or rice with it)....soup is easy but like I've said before he says it's like an appetizer (I have to remember to make rice with it)....I make spaghetti with veggie meatballs once in awhile or alfredo primavera with tofu (but how often can you eat that? Plus its a lot of carbs which he doesn't like)...quinoa is easy but sometimes coming up with the protein is a challenge...it's like beans, tofu, tempeh (if I have it) or fish....he rarely eats leftovers....pizza gives him indigestion as does most fast food/restaurants except for Taco Bell or his vegetarian restaurants then he will start complaining about spending our money on that food.....and he NEVER eats my beans anyways. I don't get it. I will actually boil fresh beans (it takes hours) and season them and I think they're GOOD. But 99 times out of 100 he won't eat them, and he NEVER eats them leftover. Drives me crazy. He will eat the crap out of his grandma's beans though. So I stopped making beans 

I agree about the napkins. Who gives a crap about napkins? Why is that thought taking space in your brain? :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So struggle what are you going to do? He's not changing, even with all the logic you throw at him. That leaves the ball in your court.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I may get bashed for this but... why is working all day an excuse?

As a divorced mother of one, I don't want my daughter growing up on frozen meals and fast food so I cook.

I work a full day 7:30-5, try to hit the gym 3x a week, cook a real meal every single night, clean up the kitchen, keep up a house, a yard and all of the laundry. My daughter picks up her bedroom, cleans her bathroom and puts away her clean clothes. I have no hired help. 

I don't see how working all day precludes anyone from being able to cook dinner. 

Yes, a couple should share household responsibilities and cooking isn't just a woman's job but if it makes him feel special, why not do it? You can always ask him to do a load of laundry every night while you cook or do yard work, etc. As long as the work load is equal, don't you want to do something to make your spouse feel cared for? And let him know what would do the same for you?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> You can always ask him to do a load of laundry every night while you cook or do yard work, etc. As long as the work load is equal, don't you want to do something to make your spouse feel cared for? And let him know what would do the same for you?


The work load here, however, is clearly not equal. Again, why are all the questions about making a spouse cared from always towards the OP? Is the job to make a spouse feel special only for females? Why all the guilty tripping about how she obviously doesn't care about him? 

Honestly, the guy wants to be a quasi-vegetarian and is then upset about having soup, salads, or sandwiches because they aren't a "real meal." He doesn't want too many carbs and he doesn't want meat, and refuses to eat any leftovers. So - what exactly -does- this guy want to eat? Even if she takes the time to cook something completely from scratch he'll turn up his nose at it. 

The fact is - he wants his wife to produce the same meals he was presented as a child by his 80 year old grandmother, and anything less he's going to act like a wad about. This isn't about her caring about him, or whether or not she's working. She's competing his ideal woman and ideal cook - his grandmother. And she'll always fail to measure up, in his mind, and he's made that clear.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I said she needs to tell him what makes HER cared for and ask him to do THAT to keep things equal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I may get bashed for this but... why is working all day an excuse?
> 
> As a divorced mother of one, I don't want my daughter growing up on frozen meals and fast food so I cook.
> 
> ...


I agree with what you are saying in your entire post. But you seem to be missing the OP's major problem. She has asked her husband to share the workload at home and he refuses. He feels that she needs to do all of the housework, cooking, shopping (expect an occasional quick trip). If he was pulling his fair share of the load, just about all of us would be telling to that meeting a need of his is an important thing to do.

She needs advice on how to get him to be a participating partner at home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I said she needs to tell him what makes HER cared for and ask him to do THAT to keep things equal.


She has. He refuses. Now what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

struggle said:


> I don't get it. I will actually boil fresh beans (it takes hours) and season them and I think they're GOOD


Just a tip on beans. Use a crock pot. Put it on in the morning and the beans are done at dinner time.

If you want to cook only enough for a meal or two, use a small crock pot. I have not boiled beans in decades. Crock pots are your friend. I have several of different sizes.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I may get bashed for this but... why is working all day an excuse?
> 
> As a divorced mother of one, I don't want my daughter growing up on frozen meals and fast food so I cook.
> 
> ...


I would love for H to pick up the bedroom, clean the bathroom and put away his clean clothes. 

We are to the point to where he is saying 'you don't make me feel like a priority because you don't cook for me all the time. When I'm hungry you don't jump up and go to the kitchen and cook me something.' And I'm thinking...ok if I'm going to take time to cook for you more often, is there something he can do to make me feel like more of a priority too, or take something off my plate so I have some more time for that. Because I feel like I'm already doing a lot, and he wants me to step it up more. 
So I approach him with this:
I've been thinking about what you want me to do to make you happier. And I think there's some things you can do too to that will make me feel more like you're helping me. I really want you to help more around the house. Please clean your dirty dishes (put them in the dishwasher), volunteer once in awhile to do the dishes if I do cook the meal, put your dirty clothes in the hamper where they belong, and let's try to plan a once a week or so cleaning 'party' (it can be a literal party...lets blast some music and have a couple drinks haha) where we both take some time to clean together.
I will do better with cooking. I will plan more, come up with things I can make and eat leftover for lunches and such, and we will talk about the things that you want in the cupboard in case I just can't cook, or it's one of those days I'm too tired to be in the kitchen. That way...hunger is (hopefully) a non-issue. But I cannot look at you and say I will cook a big fresh dinner everyday when I come home from work. Or you don't want leftovers so I need to go make something new. Because there will be a day or two a week I'm sure, I don't want to spend a couple hours in the kitchen.

He wouldn't agree. He didn't say 'yes...let's do that.' He looked at me like..."why wouldn't you want to cook for me?" But he had to say, "why would you ask for your stuff first...THEN talk about my stuff". Huh??:scratchhead: 

His theory is....we have no kids...just each other....why not take care of him? Why not cook, clean and take care of him? And my answer is....because I have things I want to do with my life too, and I want a partner, someone that makes my life better and fuller, not a responsibility. Why have I been supporting your dreams these past three years, and now when I ask for something he's like "woah...woah...wait a minute.." 

But none of that matters...nothing I've done for him the past three years matters....he's thinking that he's not getting enough food so I must be a bad wife. He says I'm not a 'bad wife' but..ummm...you're leaving the marriage so..what..I'm a 'good wife'? Please...lets be real.....

He just doesn't get it. This really wasn't an issue in the beginning, he told me he was 'low maintenance'. I think he's changed his mind about the kind of wife he wants and just doesn't know it.

We live in an apartment...there's no yard work or "man's work" involved here. All we have to take care of is the apartment. I can do it all....but I've never imagined my marriage would be something where I do it ALL. That's not happiness for me. He's not a child. I don't want to treat my husband like a child that needs to be taken care of. To worry about the status of his stomach at all times...or walk behind him picking up after him. I want to cook for him because it IS something special...not a duty. And I want a man who can concede to changes in HIMSELF too...not a finger-pointer.

So I imagine you would HAVE to do all that, because you have a child. I think that's great...and I would have to change my attitude about cooking all the time if I had a child too. But that's why I don't have any. I'm not there yet.



A Bit Much said:


> So struggle what are you going to do? He's not changing, even with all the logic you throw at him. That leaves the ball in your court.


I've already accepted his proposal to seperate and he has moved out. We're working out the details.... I've broke our lease and getting my own little apartment in the end of October.

He's waiting for me to change my mind. It's not happening unless he says he will make some changes with his habits too. Which he doesn't feel like he needs to make any changes. So...I have a feeling we are going to sail away from each other as time goes on. We will see.... 

But I've come to terms with the fact that the seperation is happening. I need to be happy in my marriage too. No sense promising things I don't want just to stay in my marriage.

To be clear there are OTHER things causing this seperation besides cooking and cleaning. But I just started this thread with that topic so I tried not to veer too far off on other things. It is, however, a large factor for him. Besides the actual food, it's the feeling of being taken care of, it being done with care and thoughtfulness, and through all that feeling like a priority....that he finds important. 

I feel like I take care of a lot of things for him, and I've made him feel like a priority with other things I do, I just don't see cooking for him as a way to do that. I'm not against making him feel good by cooking for him....but why doesn't he make me feel like a priority with things HE could do, but more like a 'its your duty'. It's like we're speaking different languages when we start talking about this stuff.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's a two way street, that is for certain. If he wants things to work he's going to have to give more than he does. If he stands his ground and prefers to be right rather than happy, he'll not have a wife around to subject herself to it.

Keep it moving.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well that clears things up then. You aren't his mother. If he isn't willing to do anything, either then it's a one-way relationship. Be glad you don't have children and move on.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

struggle said:


> When *his mom left his dad* and moved to the US *when he was a mid-teen*, he, his sisters and his mom moved in with his grandmother in a 1 br apartment. His grandma essentially ended up retiring to take care of him and his siblings while his mom worked her a** off to pay the bills and give her kids everything she could.


^^Fatherless at an age where a boy needs a father. He probably has HUGE abandonment issues. His sensitivity toward you not "making him a priority" stems from that methinks.

I got to wondering if the cooking thing is what a counselor would call the "presenting issue". It really does seem petty for him to separate from you over that and you did indicate there are other issues. 

You aren't flirting with/developing interest in other men, are you? That would certainly trigger his abandonment issues and it would be a legitimate reason for him to separate d/t you not "making him a priority".


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

SO - how important is cooking for your man? Please both men and women...give me your honest feedback.

Answer: It doesn't matter what is important to anyone elses man. It only matters what's important to YOUR man.
And YOUR MAN has told you it is important to him.
What a small sacrifice it would be for you to do this thing that makes him feel that his home and his wife are his soft place to fall. The place he wants to come home to and relax with the woman he loves.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I wonder if there is more to this than what is going on in your relationship regarding the cooking/cleaning. 
You stated earlier that for the last few years you gave money to your shared business, yet now he's all about you not making him a priority all because you don't cook to his satisfaction & therefore he's moved out.
Reading his responses to you makes me wonder if there is someone else & he's using all this as his excuse because it almost seems as if he is deliberately being obtuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unique Username said:


> SO - how important is cooking for your man? Please both men and women...give me your honest feedback.
> 
> Answer: It doesn't matter what is important to anyone elses man. It only matters what's important to YOUR man.
> And YOUR MAN has told you it is important to him.
> What a small sacrifice it would be for you to do this thing that makes him feel that his home and his wife are his soft place to fall. The place he wants to come home to and relax with the woman he loves.


You did not read all of the OP's posts did you?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Why, because I gave an honest answer to her specific question and didn't address the other things?

Because her question was about Cooking for her man. And that is my response. 

Cooking was her issue.....so cook for him and negotiate how you will both share the other household chores.
One could also hire a housekeeper who cooks - or one who doesn't and have many restaraunts on speed-dial for carryout that you pick up on your way home from work.

Of course there is more to this predicament. We hear only one side.


My response is still accurate...if one wanted to stay married.


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## gradsdad (Sep 16, 2013)

this is a bit drastic but, get another set of dishes.Tell him one set is his and the other yours. If he wants to eat off dirty dishes go ahead. You wash yours and put them in something that is locked so he can't use them. Also, what did he do for food before you two married? I am a single man and I have to cook for myself. I don't like it but I prefer to bake instead.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unique Username said:


> Why, because I gave an honest answer to her specific question and didn't address the other things?
> 
> Because her question was about Cooking for her man. And that is my response.
> 
> ...


She has already tried to negotiate the other things in the marriage. He refuses. A person's first post is seldom their entire real issue/topic.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

After looking at your other 2 threads (especially this one: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83194-im-trying-now-hes-not-long.html) and reading this one, I think that you and your husband leaving your marriage might be best.

From your threads, I can't really even get an idea of what you two even LIKE about each other. What do you like about him? What does he like about YOU? Do you two still eagerly and honestly compliment each other, be lovey-dovey/affectionate, and be playful and loving towards one another?

You married after only dating for 10 months; that's still the honeymoon phase for couples, where you're both still getting to know one another; jumping into marriage at that point can often be premature, as both parties may have not shown their 'true' selves.

Both of you are on your second marriage; how long were you both divorced before you started seeing each other? And you mentioned child support in this thread; how is his relationship with his child(ren) and his ex-wife? 

I am not sure if this marriage can be salvaged, as he seems incredibly entitled and has a raging 'king of the castle' mentality that is deeply embedded. And you may have issues of your own that you need to tend to. I hope that you will take this time of being separated to really think about what you want.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I said she needs to tell him what makes HER cared for and ask him to do THAT to keep things equal.


I agree with Enjoli. 

Tell him you cook not because you like cooking, but because you love him. Then he'll feel more thankful and hopefully return the favor.  

Besides, nothing's wrong with serving your man. I serve my husband his plate, pour his drink and take his plate to the sink, wash for him. I make him his afternoon tea and i told him many time he doesnt have to wash the dishes... But of coz, i gladly do this FOR him when he speaks my love language. 

It is an honour to make a person happy and feel lucky. Washing and cooking is a gender neural task. So treat it as it is, do it not because u r a woman but because you want to be a loving spouse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Is It Just Me said:


> After looking at your other 2 threads (especially this one: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83194-im-trying-now-hes-not-long.html) and reading this one, I think that you and your husband leaving your marriage might be best.
> 
> From your threads, I can't really even get an idea of what you two even LIKE about each other. What do you like about him? What does he like about YOU? Do you two still eagerly and honestly compliment each other, be lovey-dovey/affectionate, and be playful and loving towards one another?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Yeah, keep divorcing every time a man can't live your way.
(sarcasm)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yours4ever said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Yeah, keep divorcing every time a man can't live your way.
> (sarcasm)


This remark is funny. You see it's the OP's husband who wants the divorce. She does not want one. He does.. because while she works full time, is the major bread winner, does all house work, all chores and 99% of the cooking, it's not enough for him.

I think you are grouching about the wrong person here.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Ok i just read her other tread...

I want things to go well.
...

My opinion is to let go, stop doing the work he is suppose to do.. Let him take control. 
He probably is thinking why rock the boat when his wife is doing all the work, willingly? 

When a woman does too much, it also signals that she doesnt Trust him. To support a man is to Trust him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yours4ever said:


> Ok i just read her other tread...
> 
> I want things to go well.
> ...
> ...


She has asked him over and over to take responsibility for a fair share of the responsibilities. He refuses to. 

I get what you are saying about when a women (or man) does too much they are sending the wrong message. But sometimes a spouse (like the OP's) will refuse to hold up their end of the responsibilities. So the other is basically forced to do it all.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Yours4ever, while I generally have no problem with someone having a different opinion than I do, based on your posts here, I think you have either read only the first post from the OP and nothing else or you are from a culture that thinks women should be in the kitchen and/or bedroom 24/7.

The OP has said SEVERAL TIMES now that her husband refuses to be a PARTNER in their marriage and she's being asked to do all the work. If you are okay with that type of marriage, that's your choice. But, many women (including the OP) are not okay with it. And since her husband appears to refuse to change his ways, the onus is on the OP to decide if remaining married to him is an option.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Blonde said:


> You aren't flirting with/developing interest in other men, are you? That would certainly trigger his abandonment issues and it would be a legitimate reason for him to separate d/t you not "making him a priority".


No definitely not! I'm very very loyal to my man. I don't ever want him to feel insecure about that because I have ZERO tolerance policy about this too. 
Priority to him means treating him like a mother would treat her son. When he's hungry....feed him. When he makes a mess....clean it up. He won't admit this, but his needs are greater than mine. So when I don't put his needs above mine, I'm not making him a priority.



Phenix70 said:


> Reading his responses to you makes me wonder if there is someone else & he's using all this as his excuse because it almost seems as if he is deliberately being obtuse.


I honestly don't believe there is someone else. There are no signs...or he is really really really good at hiding it. I think he's thought about this decision for awhile. 

Also...he honestly thinks that he doesn't need to change anything at all. The best way I can explain it...besides it's just how he thinks...it's like he's playing "finder's keepers". Because he said something first, that the marriage isn't working and we should seperate, it's like he thinks that means I'm the one that needs to make all the changes. I shouldn't talk about the things I want him to do....just do the things he wants me to do, and I should do it. I was just dealing with it really, it's not that I didn't want things to change. But I wasn't ready to break up my marriage because my husband and I were going through a tough time, or because I was upset that he wasn't helping me keep the house. But now that I have an OUT, I'm not going back to the way it was. We both have to change.

His mother didn't help the situation either. She's apparently old school latina mentality. Cooking shouldn't be an issue...a woman cooks for her man. That's what a wife does. Not a big deal. 

I say, ok...we both work full time. I do the cooking everyday. What does a man do?

Takes care of the cars, fixes things around the house, takes out the garbage, lifts heavy things.....

Ok...car oil change once every few months, stuff doesn't break that much in an apartment, garbage is once every few days, and how often does he lift heavy things? 

Not much of a response...... 

Me: What about finances?
That should be 50/50
Agreed. It's not happening. What about the business?
That should be 50/50
Agreed. It's not happening. What about cleaning?
Yeah..he can help clean a little bit
I look at H
H says, "I help clean"
UGH...really? That typical 'he said she said' cleaning arguement. SO over it....

Nevermind that his mom willingly admits that she DOESN'T have a husband right now because she says would have to take care of him and doesn't have time. She works a lot, and her house isn't clean like she wants it to be because she doesn't come home and clean....because she's TIRED at the end of the day. She eats good because her mother is cooking at home while she's working. And...side note....hasn't been married in over 15 years. Her last marriage involving a household helper with cooking, cleaning and the kids. Really?! But yes...lets put that expectation on me. No...no help at all.



gradsdad said:


> this is a bit drastic but, get another set of dishes.Tell him one set is his and the other yours. If he wants to eat off dirty dishes go ahead. You wash yours and put them in something that is locked so he can't use them. Also, what did he do for food before you two married? I am a single man and I have to cook for myself. I don't like it but I prefer to bake instead.


I tried a few times to not do his dishes for him, I told him that's what I was doing and he should do them. I could only do about two or three days before it drove me crazy and I just ended up doing them. I can't cook in a kitchen with a full sink of dirty dishes.

I have no idea what he did before me. He claimed he cooked, but I'm not sure I believe him. I have a sneaking suspicion he cooked once in a while...but I'm sure he went out to eat, and he would stop by his mom's house to eat his grandmother's cooking quite often. 

Shoot they're feeding him NOW. He tells me at lunch most of the time he's eating something his grandma sent him.



Is It Just Me said:


> From your threads, I can't really even get an idea of what you two even LIKE about each other. What do you like about him? What does he like about YOU? Do you two still eagerly and honestly compliment each other, be lovey-dovey/affectionate, and be playful and loving towards one another?
> 
> You married after only dating for 10 months; that's still the honeymoon phase for couples, where you're both still getting to know one another; jumping into marriage at that point can often be premature, as both parties may have not shown their 'true' selves.
> 
> ...


True on all counts I think. We were pretty affectionate with one another physically in terms of hugs and kisses but I think our emotional affection fell to a very low level. We grew apart really. When we met we were in a very different time in our lives than we are now - I was divorced from my first cheating bastard husband for only about 4 months, and he also had just gotten out from a relationship with a crazy woman. We met randomly...not really looking it just happened. We were like free spirits lol. We both acknowledge now we got married too fast.

His relationship with his teenage son is very good...although he lives very far away. We only see him twice a year. The mother of his son is.....a good mom. They get along ok.



EleGirl said:


> She has asked him over and over to take responsibility for a fair share of the responsibilities. He refuses to.
> 
> I get what you are saying about when a women (or man) does too much they are sending the wrong message. But sometimes a spouse (like the OP's) will refuse to hold up their end of the responsibilities. So the other is basically forced to do it all.


The progression of my relationship has been of picking up the slack. And now he's wondering why I don't want to do it all. Or he thinks we should to go back to the way things were in the BEGINNING. But we can't turn back time, life has changed.

In the beginning of relationships both people do things for each other. We willingly and happily do things. Cook/clean/little gifts..whatever!

Then when something kinda falls off, I'm the type of personality that will just start doing it. So then I slowly but surely start taking over things, just so it gets done. 

When life changes and my free time becomes less, or there's something I want to do now, I'm expecting him to pick up the slack like I did. But it doesn't happen.

I keep doing it until I'm fed up. I say something about it, and he says "ok" but never does it.

Then I ***** about it the next time. And the next time. Then I'm a nagger.

Then I stop doing it...I'm being a bad wife.

Then he says something to me about not doing something...it turns into an argument because I don't know why he doesn't do it. Now I have attitude.

He doesn't understand why I won't do it, you did it before??

I am the type of person that just does things...I'm not completely lazy. However picking up slack seems to set a precedent that I can do it all. And it's not fair, nor realistic. 

It seems so sad to me for this to be a major issue, but it's more than just about me cooking. I actually do like to cook. It's the balance of daily life in the household, which we cannot agree on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He could move back in with his mommy - not that she would cook or clean for him. It appears she just pays lip service to what she says a wife is supposed to do. So, that leaves his grammie; at least until she keels over dead from taking care of a grown man like a little bitty baby.

Are you seriously trying to figure out how to get your marriage to work? Because it takes two.


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## Rafters (Sep 18, 2013)

Well from what I've read in this thread is the OP just wants to know if her line of thinking is being reasonable or is she crazy.

I don't think she's being crazy. This guy is high maintenance and is spoiled. Picky too.

With my wife and I, I earn about twice as much as she does. My job also provides the health insurance for the family as her job doesn't have it. But this works out well as my job has great health insurance.

My wife is an amazing cook. And she likes to do it. She actually went to culinary school and worked in the restaurant industry for close to two decades. So she knows her stuff.

But she doesn't want to do it every day. And that's completely understandable.

I can follow recipes. I can do a few things like basic stuff. Grilled cheese sandwiches, burgers, fries, steaks, etc without recipes.

I'm not picky about food at all. I'll eat most anything. Fast food doesn't bother me. I'll devour leftovers for days. I also clean the kitchen more than anyone. It doesn't bother me most of the time.

I mow, vacuum, pick up, do laundry, clean toilets. So does she. But my wife and I don't do any of these things all the time like it's obligated work. Sometimes we spontaneously just do it because it needs to be done or we feel like it. But if we feel lazy one day and don't do much of anything it's no big deal. No one gets in a tizy about it.

Life's too short.

This guy seems like a pain in the rear to me. If I was her I would be seriously considering if I would want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this.

And if no kids are in the picture? I'd throw down the gauntlet right now and let the consequences be d***ed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

struggle said:


> He won't admit this, but his needs are greater than mine. So when I don't put his needs above mine, I'm not making him a priority.


How could you create a balance in this for yourself so that you don't feel taken for granted and become each others priority, and/or your own. 

What would it look like if you abandoned expectation and didn't take it upon yourself to fix things/clean dishes? If he has this mentality through his childhood and with the fact that you pick up his slack when he leaves it, at what point does he start doing these things - and without you reminding him. I've not been in this situation but my opinion would be to let go. This doesn't mean expressing through body language if things aren't done, but detaching from these things to see what happens. 

Sounds to me that he needs to know he's your priority and have his back in the way he needs, and you need to know that you can trust him - that he'll keep his word with getting things done and back you. It might feel like he's taking you for granted otherwise. Then again, whadda I know?!


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## Katherinn0723 (Sep 19, 2013)

I am having the same issue when it comes down to everything being done by me, I love cooking and when we got married 14 years ago I did not even know how to boil an egg as he loves to share this story when the chance comes...LOL...but because he is an amazing cook and teacher I learned and I love cooking and now with our 4 year old baking has come our favorite time together, but recently do to the arguing we have been having the last 2 years, it seems the less I want to cook, even though I still do it because showing my daughter that family time is very valuable especially when it comes to dinner time or breakfast time no matter what me and him are going through at the moment, I do my best not to be noticed by her that mommy and daddy are not happy with each other at the moment, I work full time, then I get home, cook, clean, wash, dry and put away clothes, homework time with our daughter, work with him on our home business, and so on, then yet it seems to him that I don't do enough or I am not doing it at all, to him he is the one that does everything and he is responsible for is dropping and picking up our daughter at school and dropping me off at work in the morning, while we get the second car, the rest of the day he is talking to people about his business or visits friends or gets back on and he is working from home, even though he loves to cook, I think there has been a total of 10 times that he has made diner and surprised me when I got home from work, then when he does clean one in a million, he reminds me every now and then how he left it clean because he is waiting for me to say thank you for the 100th time, because I do tell him what a good job he did, then yet I dont get the same thing, see that is my problem always waiting for job well done, this is why I dont get it I guess

How do you get your man to change his mind about still having this mentality that a woman needs to do it all on her own when it comes down to family life, without getting him upset.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

We've been seperated for almost a month now. He moved into his own apartment. I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel OK, and other times I just feel like all I want to do is call him. It's SO hard not to. I cannot wait to move out of the apartment we used to share.

He is doing the 180. I'm trying not to be irritated by it, but I can't help it. It IRRITATES me. Aren't I the one supposed to be doing the 180? Ughhhhhhhhh! 

So now he tells me, "oh yeah, I'm eating great...no meat, no soy...just natural, lots of beans. I'm working out harder than ever before too....." 
I couldn't help myself and I ask, "so what's the difference between now and before that's making you do this?"
Pause.."I don't know...I just have the opportunity..." Pause
I had no constructive response so we just sat in silence and then said bye....

WTF is the difference between NOW and BEFORE. So you couldn't eat that way WITH me, just when your BY YOURSELF. Ughhh.... *beating head against imaginary wall*

I know he's probably doing it just to prove a point. But all it's doing is pissing me off. He needs to put $1 million in the ********* jar.

I know I know....stop b*tching and do your own 180....but what is that? So now he's going to be eating good and healthy until the next girl comes along and then it's up to her to feed him right? I wish I could just cut all the communication off, but, oh yeah, he's borrowed like $1000 to help with his moving expenses and I want to make sure he pays me back...I'm too nice....oh and I'm by MYSELF in this state and I'm going to need help moving at the end of the month. I'm in an emotional rubber band ball right now, my gut freaking hurts.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Could care less  i prefer to cook my own food anyway!! She could never cook and i'd be fine with that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

struggle said:


> We've been seperated for almost a month now. He moved into his own apartment. I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel OK, and other times I just feel like all I want to do is call him. It's SO hard not to. I cannot wait to move out of the apartment we used to share.
> 
> He is doing the 180. I'm trying not to be irritated by it, but I can't help it. It IRRITATES me. Aren't I the one supposed to be doing the 180? Ughhhhhhhhh!
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time and that your gut hurts.

I get that it must feel frustrating hearing of him cook for himself and such. Why couldn't he do that before? .....Yes, he could have taken responsibility and done this with you there. And as lame and simple as this might be, there's something in why he wasn't motivated to before. 

My opinion of how you could approach this new behavior he's demonstrating, is to detach. I wonder what it would look like if he mentioned such things and you responded with basic support? (granted that might be a stretch with how you're feeling right now). Sure, you could still ask the question what the difference was for him from within the relationship, but if you're detached, it might come from a place of understanding (for yourself), without the anger and resentment. Sure, might be easier said than done. I get that.

If he's doing it to prove a point, that's on him. Wouldn't it be beneficial for your own well-being to disarm? I'd imagine he wouldn't have much to prove then. Eat well for yourself, keep taking care of you in the mean-time, including the thoughts you keep and staying in the present as much as possible. Resentment's a b!tch you don't need to be around.

Forgive me if I don't remember this part of your story but has he lived independently before?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I'm so sorry about the abuse.
> 
> But yeah, I think a lot of the men who post about their sexless marriages but stay because "she keeps the house nice and still cooks for me" were never raised to take care of themselves. It's sad because *if they had been raised a different way they wouldn't NEED a woman in their life and they could be more choosy*.


AMEN! to this! I am one of 4 siblings (2 sons, 2 daughters) and my mother raised us ALL to be able to take care of ourselves. The summer you turned 13, you learned to cook, do laundry, iron, replace a button on a shirt, do simple mending (by hand, by machine). We already knew how to clean. When my mother's MIL found out, she was appalled that the sons were learning to do 'women's work'! My mother simply declared, "I don't want them to marry some woman because they need someone to cook and clean for them!"

One brother has been a bachelor his whole life, so it has really served him well. I wish ALL children were raised to take care of themselves so, as ntamph pointed out, they could afford to be choosier and not feel compelled rush into mediocre marriages.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

struggle said:


> He's waiting for me to change my mind. *It's not happening unless he says he will make some changes* with his habits too. Which he doesn't feel like he needs to make any changes. So...I have a feeling we are going to sail away from each other as time goes on. We will see....
> 
> But I've come to terms with the fact that the seperation is happening. I need to be happy in my marriage too. No sense promising things I don't want just to stay in my marriage.


Please do NOT fall into THIS trap; TALK IS CHEAP, ACTION IS EVERYTHING!

*How about:* It's not happening unless he SHOWS ME he has made changes in his habits. Shows me he has taken care of himself for 6 months. Shows me he knows how to COMPLETELY fend for himself AND understands that marriage is a partnership. Shows me that he understands that I do not currently have some 'mothering' instinct that I need him to help me release! I need an adult partner who is building a future with me, not a little boy that I can 'Mommy', but then turn it off and sex him up like 'my man'.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *How about:* It's not happening unless he SHOWS ME he has made changes in his habits. Shows me he has taken care of himself for 6 months. Shows me he knows how to COMPLETELY fend for himself AND understands that marriage is a partnership. Shows me that he understands that I do not currently have some 'mothering' instinct that I need him to help me release! I need an adult partner who is building a future with me, not a little boy that I can 'Mommy', but then turn it off and sex him up like 'my man'.



AMEN TO THIS!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

struggle said:


> We've been seperated for almost a month now. He moved into his own apartment. I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel OK, and other times I just feel like all I want to do is call him. It's SO hard not to. I cannot wait to move out of the apartment we used to share.
> 
> He is doing the 180. I'm trying not to be irritated by it, but I can't help it. It IRRITATES me. Aren't I the one supposed to be doing the 180? Ughhhhhhhhh!
> 
> ...


Yep do your own 180. Stop talking to him.

How far does he live from his mom and grandmother? He might just be going by their house to his food. Then he's telling you otherwise.

YOu have enough on your own plate. Take care of yourself now.

How are you doing? It's been a couple of days.


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

My narcissistic ex didn't think he should have to do any cooking or cleaning either. Oh, and when he lost his job he didn't see why he should have to get another one. After all, I was working.

Sounds like the two of them should go bowling together.

Someone said earlier, once you feel like a mommy to an entitled middle aged man your sexual desire for him is over. Done. Forever. 

I guess the type of men who behave this way don't get that.

Cut the cord OP.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

As for me, we have conflicting work schedules and we are most often ships passing in the night so I don't want her doing much cooking at all. That takes away from my time with her. I would rather eat out or take out.


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