# Teaching Basic Life Skills?



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am a mother figure to a young woman who grew up in foster care-we'll call her Lisa in this thread. Her "mother" had her at age 16 and the woman is very selfish. CAS took poor Lisa away because of neglect; the "mom" lives it up in Mexico while her child languishes up here.

I knew Lisa when she was nine, lost contact and now I am once again her "auntie" who gives advice, looks out for her physical and emotional health and gives her a place to crash once in a while. I enjoy helping Lisa and I hope that she can turn her life around. Lisa is a raver who does a lot of drugs and she is very behind in school. She is also a cutter, but since we have met again the cutting has lessened. 

Lisa was not taught basic life skills, such as keeping her place clean or proper hygiene. She lives with her boyfriend whose apartment stinks of decay-there is old food on the floor and dishes all over the place, along with piles of dirty clothes. The mattress they sleep on is very dirty and they have bedbugs. 

Lisa slept over last night. She did not shower last night or this morning and she works in construction. I picked up Lisa's shirt today to wash it and the BO was so rank that I know people must be talking about how she stinks today. When I texted Lisa about hygiene, she told me that missing a shower is no big deal because she won't die. I replied that she will live, but she will stink and people will talk about her. Lisa's psyche is very fragile due to all the abandonment and loss in her short life; if people start talking about her odor, I am concerned that she will not be able to handle it. 

How do you teach someone basic life skills at the age of eighteen? Is it too late for her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not too late for her, but her problem probably stems from drug use, NOT life skills. Drug abusers will live in filth and not care, depending on how much she uses.

but it's definitely not too late to teach her some skills. Hygiene, cooking, etc. I'm mention it to her, about her body odor. I tell my daughter that she needs deodorant now. PHEW! Hormones are STANKY! :rofl: It's not awkward for me to tell her because she's my child and I want the best for her, and that includes not smelling like ass in class.

Ask her if she has a place to wash clothes...maybe she doesn't. Ask her if they have water at the house, you never know-- they may not. But have a 'frank' conversation with her about cleanliness. I have to with D...she 'forgets' to shower. GROSS! She's getting better, but seriously, I have no problem telling her I can smell her. If I don't say it, her friends will think it and she'll be the "smelly kid" at school.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

She uses fairly often, but not daily. Mostly on weekends.

I finally mentioned the body odor to her today. Lisa thinks it is no big deal if she misses a day of showering, but she works construction, so daily showers are a must. When Lisa gets in from work today, she is going right in the shower. I have a ferocious love and protective instinct when it comes to Lisa...strange because she is not my child. It hurts me to think of people talking about her smell. 

She lives in my building and there is a laundry room. Maybe she needs change to do laundry.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Good for you...caring for others...just tread lightly....

If she has esteem issues, tread lightly....you might want to explain it as "your skin will shine" or "pores get clogged" rather than "YOU smell bad"....

I have too much experience here...and have found that teaching life lessons later in life is difficult with those that have esteem and parenting issues...it is better to put a positive spin on it..like "Oh your hair will be so shiny if" or "The place will smell so good if" rather than use any YOU statements...

Good luck.....she is a lucky kid to have you...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

She certainly has esteem issues. When I mentioned to Lisa that I could smell her, I made sure to say that I loved her and I didn't want people to gossip about her odor.

You are right about the YOU statements. I have to be careful how I phrase things because Lisa will shut down if I am too overbearing. 

What kills me is that Lisa is gifted, but she is behind in school. It must be hard to focus on academics when you are being bounced from home to home. The scars on Lisa's arms make me want to cry, but I keep it together and tell her my story of triumphing over depression and self injury. I am very pleased that Lisa feels better when I talk with her.

I give a lot of hugs and TLC. I wish she would eat much better foods than Kraft Dinner, fries and hot dogs. Lisa is very picky, so I bought her mulitvitamins. 

The other day I straightened Lisa's hair with a flatiron and she looked amazing. We were planning her imaginary wedding and I told Lisa that she will have to go all girly on that day, 'cause Auntie says so.  

I wish that Lisa was not living with a man because she is too young for that. She has no other place to go....I would rent our second bedroom to her, but my husband is against that idea. Maybe is it healthy for me not to get too involved.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> ....I would rent our second bedroom to her, but my husband is against that idea. Maybe is it healthy for me not to get too involved.



:smthumbup:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Yesterday Lisa came to my place and showered immediately. 

She told me I was a mother figure to her. Awwww, poor lil darlin'.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I know someone just like you. Always mothering poor kids, even putting them first, above close family. She had some marriage problems over it. 

Just be sure that you don't neglect your own affairs (hubby, kids, etc...). Remember that there are many sad stories in this world and you can't be there for all of them.

Having said that, the big dumb bleeding heart in me is saying you should help this girl out. She needs someone positive in her life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Good advice, Costa200. My husband had a talk with me tonight about the way I attract needy types.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The way I see it, the people who "attract needy types" are people who are also in need of TLC. They want to help others because they at a loss on how to help themselves. It makes them feel good to help others, because it takes the focus off of their own issues.

Not saying you or ALL people who help others are like that, but I used to be that way...and I was broken. My husband is/was that way, and he was broken.

I dated TONS of needy people before I fixed myself.

I think it's just a way of paying it forward. Help others and maybe it will help you too  She is lucky to have you in her life. Hopefully you'll give her the wings she needs.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

TG, that is what my therapist told me. I feel good when I help others, like I am somehow less messed up because I can improve someone's life. It also keeps me grateful for what I have. 

Lisa is becoming exactly like the mother she hates. She looks for people to take care of her; she met her current boyfriend because she had no place to go and he offered to let her stay. CAS gives Lisa $829/month and will continue to do so until she is 21. Today Lisa told me that she will kill herself when she is 21, when she will lose her free money and her rented room from a friend. She thinks her only two choices are suicide or being homeless. Lisa rejects my advice to get a crappy job until she is finished school.

Lisa needs a therapist and medication. She also needs to find a job and finish her education. Unfortunately, Lisa refuses these suggestions. I tried to talk to her about her future today and she just whined "I hate talking about this stuff! It gives me a headache!" Lisa is bloody EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. She can't just go to raves all the time and cut herself when things do not go her way. I was a suicidal self injurer when I was her age too...the difference is, I sought help for these issues. 

I need to step away from the situation. I have lost many people in my life to untimely deaths and I don't want to deal with another one when I don't have to. Her compulsion to look for excuses rather than solutions disgusts me. When I walk away from drama, it is the part of me that is not broken pulling away. 

It's like my old bestie recently improving her life. I am glad for her and happy that she wants to continue a friendship because I miss this woman...but I am NOT going to jump into being very close again. She has only recently started to become more mature and sensible. I have to see how long it lasts; I am looking forward to a new kind of friendship not defined by her problems.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

After 3 rounds of therapy I no longer feel that need to rescue anyone. I know now rescuing had more to do with my neediness and less to do with them. I now focus my attention on myself, my husband and my 3 kids. That's enough to keep me busy. Lol


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you rescue someone entirely it's disabling for them. It's actually sending them the message: "I don't think that you are capable of doing this for yourself.' Doing and thinking for someone else is the worst way you can help them. Listening to them and asking them questions is a good way to help them figure out how they can help themselves. There is a huge difference. If you want someone to both resent you as well as feel incapable taking over the bits and pieces of their life is a wonderful way to start (yes, that's meant as sarcasm.)
Helping them to find their strength by standing by as a friend and noticing when they do something positive for themselves is a much better way. Also not always being available is a good way to go. Otherwise you will end up stressed thinking, oh, if I'm not there this person will fall through the cracks, before you know it you have some kind of anxiety disorder where you truly feel that another's life quite literally is dependent on your presence. Basically, you have killed your free will, it's a form of living suicide. You no longer own your life.
Stay in therapy, OP, you will find better ways to help others and understand more about healthy boundaries, and exactly why they are healthy.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Lots of helpful and thoughtful responses here. I really appreciate it! :smthumbup: I feel that I need to explain myself more throughly so that you all don't get the wrong ideas.

I do not rescue Lisa entirely. If I did, I would take her in to the detriment of my marriage. I spend a lot of time listening and sharing my opinion. She is free to make her own choices and the purpose of this thread was trying to brainstorm ways to teach Lisa how to do for HERSELF, not take over her life. I give Lisa contact information for community supports and I am careful how I give advice. "Have you thought of..." "What do you think about..." are common sentences I use with Lisa. 

I had an ex who wanted to take over my life and then complained that I resented him. He was twelve years older than me and wanted a naive young woman to control. Having that experience taught me how to help someone without being overbearing or stepping all over their boundaries. I met Lisa through this man and she has cut him off for the same reason-he likes to force his opinions down people's throats. My parents always treated me like I was incapable of doing anything for myself, because I am female. I left at 21 so that I could spread my wings and make my own mistakes. 

I have had three rounds of therapy as well, at ages 17, 21 and 27. The conclusion I have come to is some damage can never be healed or repaired, no matter how much I discuss or dissect it. 

I stopped talking to my best friend because I grew weary of rescuing an adult who kept making poor choices and indulging her selfish "me-me-me" attitude. I also steer clear of people who seem to be using me, which has been a problem in the past. I am very glad that I have learned to walk away from takers and jealous hateful types. I have also learned from terrible experiences not to share certain secrets; they have been used against me before. 

Lisa benefits from receiving nurturing and positive attention from an older woman. Nothing negative about that, as long as I do not allow myself to become dragged down with her problems. I have known her since she was nine years old; bought her first training bra. I see a lot of myself in her when I was her age; the main difference is I sought professional help so that I could be happier. She needs a lot more help than I can give her. 

My husband says: "Baby, one of the things I love about you is your compassion and kindness. You must leave some of that for yourself and be around people who don't need help all the time."

This is totally me: Enneagram Personality Type Two:The Giver


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