# Kid gloves around the kids



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Ok, so we have been separated for a year. Just waiting for him to send me paperwork (I did not want the divorce. At least not now. We have young kids and I felt we should raise them together. Trumped again.)

Finances suck. Short sold our house. 2nd and equity loans were supposed to be re-structured and we were to pay on them for 3 yrs and then the bank would revisit our financial situ and see what else could be done. All this is hubby's idea--he thinks they are going to forgive 60k in 3 years. Right. So on my credit report, it now says they were both charged off. So my score is in the toilet, and I have to get that fixed, so they can start billing us for the restructured loans. 

Anyway, we are trying to be really good about protecting our 2 boys from the mess we have made of all our lives. No guilt, no bad-talking each other, no money talk in front of them. They are 13 and 9. 9 is not a problem; he is on the Autism Spectrum and does not tune into money talk. As long as we are careful to speak kindly of each other, he is pretty oblivious to undercurrents and tensions. 13 is another story. Very loyal to Dad, which is to be expected, Dad has primary. I do not bash dad. He's actually a very decent father and with a few minor objections, I agree with most of his decisions. 

13 calls me and in the course of the conversation asks me if he can borrow some $. He is at the Star Wars convention and has spent all but $20 of the $100 rich g-ma gave him to use in Disney. He wants more for the convention. I told him, I would if I could, but I can't. He says PLEEEEZ. Not really begging, just checking my resolve. Sorry, says I. Things are too tight this month. (I'm not kidding folks. I have $200 to get me through the 30th.) I told him he would have to make some good choices if he wanted to have any left over for the convention, unless Dad wanted to pop for it. He hangs up deflated.

I get a call from Dad. He is furious w/me for discussing finances with 13. I apparently put a huge damper on his day and now they can't enjoy Disney. I told him that I didn't bring up money, and I didn't give him details. I just said things were tight. I told him that 13 always tells me that Dad says money is tight over there; they eat dinner at costco and wegmans to save $. Dad is still mad. 

Is it wrong of me to be direct and honest with 13 about that stuff? I mean, I don't talk about child support, and I don't complain if I have to buy clothes or pay for scout camp or what have you... I just think that if we were in a "regular," nuclear family, there should and would naturally be times when we have to make economic choices that aren't popular. How else is he going to learn that when you become an adult, food and heat outrank bowling and wii? 
I reminded Dad that this (divorce situation) is not a happy event
and we will not be able to make it completely opaque tothem that there are feelings of sadness and loss and despair going around. I think it is unhealthy to try to paint on a happy face 24-7 when we are all crying inside. I have protected Dad's image from the kids and even his family(my inlaws) so that he lives with very little fallout from the events that have transpired that he effected. It eats me up. I cannot contain all of my emotion all the time. And I don't want 13 or 9 to think I am ok with not being with them. I miss them incredibly and they need to know it. Not trying to make anyone feel guilty, but it's their 1st time at Disney and it was supposed to be all of us. It kills me. 

So, my question is, how do I talk to my boys so that they know I love them and care and want to be there, without causing them stress and making them feel bad? How do I say I can't lend you money without making them sad? Dad thinks I'm saying it to make them feel bad for me, which is not the case. Thinks it makes him look bad to them. What can I do about that?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't see an issue in this instance. That kind of thing happens in nuclear families too. There's no money, you have to say no.

Plus - THEY are at DISNEY - you aren't.

Not sure how Dad thinks you are the bad guy here.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thank you. I have the self-esteem of a gnat and sometimes I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy.


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