# Update from One_strange_otter



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

For those who have followed my ranting and rambling about my divorce/separation here's where I'm at. 

No paperwork has been filed yet. Can you get a divorce even if you still live together? I mean, how does child support work that way and visitation if everyone is still co-habitating? Do you just wait until one of you can find the opportunity to move away and then file an amendment to the court orders?

No dating. At least not on my end. I don't keep up with her much but I dont' get the feeling she is doing anything. She creeped into my room about 3 times over the past 2 months and I caved and went ferociously balls deep each time. Afterwards I remind her to stop feeling bad about it because it's just easier for guys to separate the physical from the emotional and if you don't want to feel used then dont' come in my room begging for sex. On that note I'm one lonely little otter. It's hard to resist hitting up the dating sites. Obviously there are women out there that couldn't care what your situation is like but I wouldn't want someone like that anyways. I see nice looking approachable women in public and the couple of times I go to bars with my brother or sister. I have no trouble breaking the ice and asking some stupid question to get their attention. But what do I say after that? "Hey, your really nice. I'd like to take you out some time but we can't go back to my place because it would make my wife and kids uncomfortable regardless of the fact I have my own room." lol Then again, maybe the one girl I ask is the one on the dating site that doesn't care.....hmmmm...

We are still sharing everything including the checking account. I'm ready to stop that though. She had the week off from work albeit unpaid leave. I had to work. She decided that it was time for a vacation so she went about 4 hrs away to fabulous Lake Charles Louisiana. ( no offense to any residents but it hardly seemed like a family friendly vacation destination the few times I was there gambling) So the fourth of July was spent alone. For whatever reason it didn't bother me. I traveled over to my old college town to watch a movie and ate at a sports bar that is miraculously still there and has apparently done well. They had a pool out back also. Which after eating lunch while watching bikini clad soaking wet 20-somethings strut by through the bar I believe should be standard operating procedure for any sports bar. Man that was an awesome lunch....Oh, and before I forget, she actually tried to convince me the trip should only be for the older two "because the youngest is such a handful and you can't even just walk somewhere without him trying to walk off". I didn't just say no, I said hell no and that it's not fair do dump him at the sitter just for her convenience sake. Jeez....boohoo what a baby....

She hasn't made any efforts as far as I can tell to find full time gainful employment. (Conrad I can already hear you saying "well, did you expect her to?" lol) No full time job means no moving out yet. I really don't want to start the school year commuting again and now with all three kids since the baby is going into PreK. That's an hour drive then 3 separate schools to drop them off at. So, I'm going to tell her either she gets serious about it or I find a place to rent on my own and I leave her with the house and she can see the kids on the weekends when she picks them up every friday and drops them off every monday morning. Sounds fair to me being that I don't have any problem dealing with all three of them simultaneously. I also plan to get my own checking account and either force her to do the same or she can keep using the joing checking but the only money going into that one will be just enough to cover the mortgage or anything else that's on autodraft but only long enough to get the draft changed to the new account. I'll keep paying the bills but her money will be used if she decides it's better to eat out than to cook and to buy her own gas for the minivan. I need to find out anyway how well I can manage living on my salary alone and what I can afford as far as child support goes when the time comes. I expect a tantrum when this discussion takes place. 

As an aside, is there such a thing as a divorce fog just like an affair fog? You know what I mean? Everytime I do something that inches towards separation it jolts her to reality and she gets mad and shows some emotion but settles back into the groove after a few days.....just an aside.

As far as me personally? well, I feel like I'm doing the 180 out of protecting my own heart and mind naturally (or else I've absorbed it from reading so many times on here that I'm reacting subconsciously). I have a strong rough exterior (although it's hidden behind this baby face lol) and I'm adjusting my own attitude from "i'll help anyone do anything" to "I'll only help people that want to help themselves". But inside there's a little lonely otter just begging to be hugged. I'm so used to covering for her excuses that even now when she gets on the phone and all out of breath starts in on why she can't possibly make it somewhere on time or have dinner ready or the baby did this or the wind was blowing the wrong way or the dog barked and it distracted me or whatever excuse that I deal with it like a good 180'er should do but then the frustration and stress of even having to deal with her like that sets in all delayed like when you get kicked in the balls. 

Anyways, I feel better having got to this far in the post and can't really remember anything else to vent about. Thanks for being there to listen to me vent TAM'ers.

peace


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, dear. Glad you are protecting your heart. Wish you could move out, I hate that you still have to deal with this every day. 

Thanks for the update. And yes, I send you otter hugs. As you know, the secret ingredient is otter.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

awwww, warm lamaga hugs......thanks!


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

>>She hasn't made any efforts as far as I can tell to find full time gainful employment. (Conrad I can already hear you saying "well, did you expect her to?" lol)<<

You beat me to it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lake Charles is her idea of a vacation town? Why not New Orleans? Lake Charles is one big petroleum refinery. You can smell the town 40 miles out before you even see it. 

Her taste sucks. Divorce her as quick as you can for this if anything else.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Oh! I remember the other thing now....

So I watched the kids three weekends in a row. The outer two were mine anyways but the middle one was fathers day weekend so as per our arrangement I get them for that also. So the fourth weekend comes along and I'm jazzed to be getting some free time. Usually our weekends start on friday nights if you want to but she caught me in a good mood and I agreed to stay in friday night so she could watch Magic Mike with her friend. I figured no problem I can just leave early saturday morning. Well, my wife, in all her splendid candor and honesty tells my daughter where I'm going. Which was to my brothers house who has a swimming pool and a pond stocked with fish and it's all close to the grandparents house where she always gets treats etc...so my daughter starts guilt tripping me! My eleven year old is actually laying a STBXW sized guilt trip on me and I know it's only because she wants to do all the fun stuff. Then when I have the audacity to refuse my wife lays in on me telling me how much she misses her grandparents etc. I'm realizing this is just my daughter wanting to play all weekend and my wife just wanting to get rid of one kid for a few days and I refuse. Ends up being a big argument and I leave upset and both of them are upset with me. Whatever... I go to my brothers and proceed to have a good time. next morning at 10 AM my phone rings. My daughter says this when I answer "I just woke up! Mom said to call you because you need to come home immediately. The dogs got out of the fence and *name withheld* is running around without a diaper on and won't let mom put one on him. you need to come home right now because she said she can't handle all of this!".

Take a moment to appreciate that my eleven year old is telling me this while my wife is hiding in the bathroom unable to deal with the harshness of reality. Dogs get out of fences. Kids are kids. You either buck up or your spouse files for full custody b*tch.

I tell her "You get out of bed, find the dog and tie it back up in the backyard again. Tell your mother that I said to deal with her son because she's a 36 year old woman and he's a four year old child. I'll be home when I said I would be home and not a minute sooner. Goodbye"

About 10 minutes later I get an All CAPS text saying that she will not deal with both the dogs and the kids. if the dogs get out again she will tell the kids to just let the city take them away when they catch them. I didn't respond. I just got up, shook off my little hangover and got in my brothers pool and promptly took a nap on one of the inflatables until the pizza showed up...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good for you! Although I feel bad for the dog.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

I hope UpnDown is reading this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You da man.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> Lake Charles is her idea of a vacation town? Why not New Orleans? Lake Charles is one big petroleum refinery. You can smell the town 40 miles out before you even see it.
> 
> Her taste sucks. Divorce her as quick as you can for this if anything else.


In her words "I want to go somewhere the kids and I have never been to before. They have a lot of things actually for the kids like a small waterpark and kids museum plus a parade and fireworks on the lake for the fourth."

The actually did venture on down to N.O. today just as a day trip from Lake Charles. Tomorrow I meet them at the border and get the kids from her for my weekend with them and I'm just staying there at my brothers and visiting family while she goes on to the house.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Shouda taken the dogs with ya...man's best friend deserves better...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> Good for you! Although I feel bad for the dog.


Don't. No animals were harmed in the making of this thread. lol

They get out...they run around for 10 minutes.....they come back and scratch on the front door and wait to be put back in the back yard again....lol


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your wife sounds very passive and immature. You will have to take the lead in filing the divorce papers, separating financial accounts, and finding a new place to live.

I would not consider dating until everything is sorted out.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lovesherman said:


> Your wife sounds very passive and immature. You will have to take the lead in filing the divorce papers, separating financial accounts, and finding a new place to live.
> 
> I would not consider dating until everything is sorted out.


I agree with everything you said.

But who said I wanted to date? I wanna go ferociously balls deep on as many unsuspecting young women as I can.....I've been a good dog on a chain for 15 years getting patted on the head when I'm good and neglected...well....whenever she felt like it. I really wanna make up for some lost time....lol

But yes, nothing serious anytime soon....and I'm joking about actually doing what I said there....I'm scared to death of hopping in the sack with anyone without the proper paperwork from their doctor....lol


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> I agree with everything you said.
> 
> But who said I wanted to date? I wanna go ferociously balls deep on as many unsuspecting young women as I can.....I've been a good dog on a chain for 15 years getting patted on the head when I'm good and neglected...well....whenever she felt like it. I really wanna make up for some lost time....lol
> 
> But yes, nothing serious anytime soon....and I'm joking about actually doing what I said there....I'm scared to death of hopping in the sack with anyone without the proper paperwork from their doctor....lol


Just promise once you break that chain you don't run around for about ten minutes, then go back home scratching on the front door wanting back in...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Damn, DjF, I wish I'd said that


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I agree with everything you said.
> 
> But who said I wanted to date? I wanna go ferociously balls deep on as many unsuspecting young women as I can.....I've been a good dog on a chain for 15 years getting patted on the head when I'm good and neglected...well....whenever she felt like it. I really wanna make up for some lost time....lol
> 
> But yes, nothing serious anytime soon....and I'm joking about actually doing what I said there....I'm scared to death of hopping in the sack with anyone without the proper paperwork from their doctor....lol


was just gonna say "easy there bro" don't set your sights too low 

I'm like you, just further ahead (not by much) would sure love to go inserting my manhood into every pretty thing I see, but in reality you and I are not wired like that, we have to catch a good one first because we have a sense of responsibility. So date whomever you can and only keep pursuing and escalating with the healthy ones.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> I hope UpnDown is reading this.


With all due respect to Otter, I do not see how this applies to me.

They are living together, still sharing a bank account and she has a part time job that doesn't allow her to live on her own. She also cannot handle the dogs and the kids... she even asks him for the bone, like hell mine would ever do that. She wants nothing to do with me (other than money).

My ex has a job (even if it's 4 days short of a full month), got her own place, has yet to complain to me about the kids or "how rough it is". She has in the past taken jabs at me for the simple fact that I wasn't working and she was, when she had the kids. But that point is null seeing how I am now doing the same.

Do not want to hijack Otters happy thread though! I'm doin enough b!tching in my own .. lol.

Good on you Otter!


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

C'mon Up.

She's helpless.

She doesn't follow through on anything she's agreed to.

She guilt trips him like crazy - using the kids to do it.

You really don't see this?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

And as expected she spent every dime we have on her little vacation with the kids. lucky I have enough gas to make it to payday. I'm opening my own checking account monday once I have the 25 bucks in hand to open one with. Didn't phase her one bit either. As soon as I said we were broke she just switched to using her mom's debit cards. I had hoped she would learn some kind of lesson from this but her utter cluelessness frustrates me.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> And as expected she spent every dime we have on her little vacation with the kids. lucky I have enough gas to make it to payday. I'm opening my own checking account monday once I have the 25 bucks in hand to open one with. Didn't phase her one bit either. As soon as I said we were broke she just switched to using her mom's debit cards. I had hoped she would learn some kind of lesson from this but her utter cluelessness frustrates me.


Otter,

I don't mention my first marriage very often.

But, your wife sounds quite a bit like my first wife.

One of the main reasons I went for "lump sum" spousal support was because I know her pretty well. I had a feeling she'd never get married again (much less date), so I'd be on the hook for lifetime mortgage payments supporting her utter cluelessness.

As you might expect, my son lives with her - and she's coddled him the entire time. I know for a fact that she's run right through the settlement (in 5 short years) and just lost her job.

My son has a job - but she has had him contribute very little toward the household over the past 5 years - likely less than $3,000 total.

They'll have to figure it out now. She finally has some tough decisions/sacrifices to make. So does he.

Time to grow up.

I realize THIS is what you truly wish for your wife.

It's clear you have to get out of the way for it to happen.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Update time:

She's apartment hunting. 

I'm getting my own checking account.

We are 80% settled on extended standard visitation.

That is all.....


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

checking account ........ check


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> checking account ........ check


You starting to feel good?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Yeah I think I am. She was upset last night that I was talking to my family about our divorce and her. She's so worried that she can't defend herself if I'm saying anything negative. Apparently that was another "broken promise" on my part to not discuss our details with the family. I told her basically she didn't have the right to tell me I couldn't discuss the divorce with my sister or anyone else. She can't control my conversations. Sitting there listening to her now I see right through it and all the controlling and manipulative behaviours. So I do feel like I've made it past some point in the process where acceptance has occured.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

My money is mine as of the first. They didn't even have to test it like they do sometimes. It just goes right through.

Wife and kids found a nice apartment complex they like. Everything paid for except electric. I already told her I'm not paying for it since I don't agree with her moving since that's farther away from her job and it's exactly where my job is so I should be the one moving. She just wants away from the house and the responsibility. I swear she's doing it partly just because she doesn't want to have to suffer through another litterbox cleaning. lol she told me I could keep the cats after the first time in 13 years she changed it about a month ago....lol

So she might be out in about 2 weeks. I asked how she was going to pay for it and of course her answer was "my mom is helping me". So, she's having her deposit and rent covered until she can get a local full time job. I get stuck with the house, all the bills and debt. yeah, good luck getting $1800 a month out of me now.....I'll do what I have to for supporting the kids but I'm not going to make it easy on her to move off and leave me holding the bag...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

And right on cue, as soon as I hit the submit on that last post, i get a text saying her sister is throwing a fit about her mom paying her rent and she "guesses she isn't moving now".

The rollercoaster goes up.....and it goes back down....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stay the course


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Ok, apparently it was a issue with one of her sisters but it's under control now. Plan still on. Possible STBXW move in 2 weeks.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

So we had a weekend together with the kids at a hotel. My youngest loves hotels so it was a birthday gift. STBXW was there. We got along really well. I could tell in her subtle little ways that she was flirting with me. Anyways, in the course of one of our conversations I really got the feeling that, in her mind, she is stepping to the sideline and watching what happens. She really feels like it's just a phase and I'm going to get out there and realize what I'm doing is a mistake and want to come back. I can't tell for sure but that's the feeling I get. 

Oh, and now she's nervous about moving because her sister pitched a fit about her mom paying her rent. I told her it was just hot air and to keep moving forward with the plan.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Otter,

I'm certain when she's dropped crumbs of love in your path in times previous, you've folded like a cheap camera.

It will be interesting to see what happens when she realizes you are playing for keeps this time.


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