# I just feel like I want to get divorced!!!



## spurious100 (Jun 12, 2018)

Been married for 8 years and the last 3 or so have been hell.. I'm another of those people trapped in a sex-less marriage but also in one where there is 0 intimacy. No kissing, no touching, no hugging. Not on my b'day, not on Christmas or New Years, nothing ever.

We have 2 young kids and things took a nosedive after the youngest was born although there has been a few moments here and there. However over the last 2 years it's only gotten worse and I feel like I am being tortured. I have a high drive wanting sex multiple times a week, wife wants it a couple of times every 6 months.

The lack of intimacy is the bigger killer however, to me hugs and kisses are like water and air, I just can't survive without them. We got married v quickly after meeting so it wasn't an issue before but once in marriage I got to realise she didn't do certain things like give oral to me or like touching. However she was happy for me to do everything to her so it wasn't a dealbreaker.

Over time however it's gotten less and less, and the anger and resentment from my side has just pushed us further apart. She does everything else - washes my dirty clothes, cooks and cleans for me, looks after the house. I work out, I have a good job and spend time with the kids. But between the sheets there is nothing. If I sleep next to her she will be on the ipad AND have the TV on - she will basically act like I'm not even there. If I touch her be accident or on purpose she will act like a stranger has touched her and move away annoyed.

I have spoken to her countless times about this and we've had the 'I want a divorce' discussion a few times, last was around Christmas but nothing changes. She says she will try but she doesn't. I mentioned to her a few weeks ago that I just wanted to find someone who was interested in me and wanted to be with me. I asked her if she had any interest and she didn't give me a clear answer. When I asked what we could do together she said 'we can sit together and watch tv' - this was in response to me saying we don't even watch movies together anymore.

I'm soooo disappointed and full of pain that things are like this. I wish I could just have a hug and put my arms round her. But from the last conversation we had I've started sleeping in the little room. I've just come to realise nothing is going to change her, she will always be like this. I feel so bad for wanting a divorce and potentially putting the kids through it all. I don't want to, I want her to be a happy, sexual being, but I've read on various forums for years now - it's not going to change.

I don't know why I'm writing, I know nobody can give me advice which I don't already know. I just needed somewhere to air my thoughts.. 

A guy with a permanent headache....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Do you want the truth? 

She is not a sexual person, does the reason really matter? She is not into you, doubtful that she ever really loved you. 

You can try all the suggestions that everyone will post, they will not work. 

Just file for divorce, and move on with your life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just a few basic options here -

- suck it up and live with it and spank to porn all the time and resign yourself to life of zero intimacy and passion. 

- pick up hookers or skanky drunk chicks in bars that just broke up with their boyfriends. 

- seek an open marriage. 

- transform yourself into a completely different person and hope that she happens to be attracted to the person you become. 

- divorce. 

That's pretty much it. There really isn't any kind of love potion or magic pixie dust that will transform her into someone that wants you intimately. 

Assuming you haven't put on 50lbs of blubber since you got married and assuming you shower every day and are not a wife beater or a falling down drunk/druggie or a child molester or something, this sounds like a classic Bait and Switch where she married the nice, safe guy for a house and babies and now she has no other use for you other bringing home a check and helping change diapers.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I don't think it will change as this happens a lot. You can try marriage counseling to see if that helps but if your suffering that much you might want to visit a lawyer to see what you up against. I remember having 2 kids in diapers and that was the last thing I wanted was sex. It's tough I know. Hopefully, mc helps.


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## mememe (Jun 7, 2018)

if you don't make a decision nothing is going to happen but burning up valuable life time. Weigh up your options and move forward.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Nothing changes until you do something different. You need to tell her explicitly and without drama what your needs are and that they are needs not hopes. Humans need touch, affection, and to feel wanted by their spouse. 

The book "5 Love Languages" is an excellent book (though I don't think it will help your marriage) which explains how each person has their own way of feeling as if they are loved. Most men are high on Touch and Quality Time, meaning when you are physically touched you feel loved. Quality Time is doing stuff together. You mentioned both of those as totally lacking in your marriage. No wonder you feel demoralized and unwanted!

My intuition is she just isn't a warm loving kind of person. There are many possible reasons, but those don't really matter. It is up to her to recognize the need to address her shortcomings as a spouse and to make a strong effort to improve. Your job is to communicate to her your unhappiness at the state of the marriage. I think the best way to approach this is as a need and boundary. You need to feel wanted, you need physical contact, you need to spend quality time with your partner doing things. You love her, you value marriage, and you value the family. However you cannot remain in a loveless marriage which is nothing more than 2 people coexisting in the same home.

You can't fix this alone, so you shouldn't try. Chances are she sees you working to fix the marriage and so she feels safe. You need to shake things up. While I am not optimistic at all, this is the only way you might get her to see the light. You are also giving her fair warning that you are not going to stay if things don't substantially improve.

You could try talking to a counselor if you think it would help you to have a coach on how to discuss things with her. From what you've written I don't think anybody would fault you for deciding it is time to pull the plug.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Many like you stay stuck because they can't make a decision.

This will be the rest of your married life with her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does she have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder?

They love us, but touching is not always something they can deal with.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

hi in the same boat don't know what to do

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@spurious100 How do you two interact outside of the bedroom, in your day to day life? How do you treat her? Does she work outside the home? I am asking because if she feels disrespected or unloved in the normal course of your day, then she is not going to have any desire to be affectionate or intimate. Happened to me with my ex husband.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

not bad we do have two daughters so i not leaving cuz of them so yeah tuff spot to be in

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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

I will echo Gary Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love.

I will add another book, Sue Johnsons, Hold Me Tight.

Finally, I will share with you that I was in a similar situation, but discovered that I was a big part of the problem. I was not making my wife feel loved and cherished in her love languages. We were each telling each other in our own love languages that we loved our spouse, but our statements of love were not heard.

It took me changing how I treated my wife, so that she felt loved and cherished, prior to our going to marriage counseling with a sex therapist who helped save our marriage.

If your really want a divorce, then get it. If you have any doubts, read the books and work on changing yourself first then seek professional help in saving your marriage.

Good luck.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You shouldn't stay in a loveless marriage. Period. Even when kids are involved. Sorry, but it has to be said. 

I agree with others...This sounds like a bait and switch.

Also, your going to need to "alpha up" bud. You are taking a back seat to this relationship, which if is what you want, you will need to take command. If she doesn't want to or refuses to....Then you give her the walking papers. Sorry, but you need to put some value back into YOU. She needs to see that. 

But my guess is she will not care either way...And you will be back to my original premise, giving her the walking papers.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Yours is a rather disparaging story to read!

If MC is off of the table because she won't go or denies that there's even a problem, then the ultimate answer may well lie in divorce!

No alienated spouse deserves to be treated that way! You deserve so much more love and affection out of life!*


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Do you want the truth?
> 
> She is not a sexual person, does the reason really matter? She is not into you, doubtful that she ever really loved you.
> 
> ...


I disagree. There are many guys this happens to. It's possible that she's not sexual or just that she's not sexual with the OP. The starting questions are: What was it like when it was good? That will be the high point. If she was affectionate, if you guys had a sex life, then you can get it back.

I got the "We're old now", "I don't like hugging" and low sex drive after the 2nd kid. It has as much to do with how you have changed as well as her. Most likely, you have both put on weight. You are still horny for her, but she's not turned on by you. You've also likely become boring. Google "the ballad of clark kent" and see the point of what can happen in a marriage. Also, there is a book that's a magic trick for sexless marriages called "Married Man Sex Life Primer", by Athol Kay. It's not PC, but it will explain what happened and it is a step-by-step guide to getting the sex you need, whether it is this wife or the next


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

bikermehound said:


> not bad we do have two daughters so i not leaving cuz of them so yeah tuff spot to be in
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


Well then welcome to the rest of your life, dude. 

There will be no changing on her part if she knows you will never leave no matter what or how crappy she treats you. You are volunteering yourself for this now.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MapMan said:


> I disagree. There are many guys this happens to. It's possible that she's not sexual or just that she's not sexual with the OP. The starting questions are: What was it like when it was good? That will be the high point. If she was affectionate, if you guys had a sex life, then you can get it back.
> 
> I got the "We're old now", "I don't like hugging" and low sex drive after the 2nd kid. It has as much to do with how you have changed as well as her. Most likely, you have both put on weight. You are still horny for her, but she's not turned on by you. You've also likely become boring. Google "the ballad of clark kent" and see the point of what can happen in a marriage. Also, there is a book that's a magic trick for sexless marriages called "Married Man Sex Life Primer", by Athol Kay. It's not PC, but it will explain what happened and it is a step-by-step guide to getting the sex you need, whether it is this wife or the next


I am sorry, but I just have to vehemently disagree with you. It is not like this, and anyone that fixes this stuff with a book is in the vast minority.

All of these marred guys, inexperienced guy, nice guys... that come here with a sexless marriage issues, it is not the books. 

It is one of several things and no one want to admit it to themselves. 

1) The wife is having an affair and does not want to cheat on her BF. 
2) The wife has lost attraction to the husband for any number of reasons, some of which are not his fault.
3) The wife is actually asexual at some level and just wanted to have kids.
4) The wife is using the husband (nice stable guy) as a meal ticket and father of her children. 

THIS is why this stuff happens. Often to very beta nice guy males that once she has had children with him has no need for him except as a provider and baby sitter. 

To act like this is not the majority of these cases is to lie to the people that come the this forum...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I am sorry, but I just have to vehemently disagree with you. It is not like this, and anyone that fixes this stuff with a book is in the vast minority.
> 
> All of these marred guys, inexperienced guy, nice guys... that come here with a sexless marriage issues, it is not the books.
> 
> ...


Very true, but some marriages can be saved because the husbands slowly stop being a beta beeatch and develop some dominance.

For instance, to your points:
1) Nothing to do here but get a divorce but ultimately you will find more sex in your next relationship , problem solved.
2) Improve physically, Lift (Gym Membership) and start reading stuff like MMSLP or Rational Male to indentify your beta pitfalls so you can stop falling into your role as perpetual doormat. You'll look better, be more confident and be more dominant. Point is you are bettering yourself and either she can be the beneficiary or your future lady. 
3) Not much to work with here but if your woman was sexual at one time, I have to think its possible for her to be sexual again / maybe sex was purely for reproduction but probably not
4) Reread #2

Your point is very valid, but most of this stuff is learned behavior men need to unlearn.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Very true, but some marriages can be saved because the husbands slowly stop being a beta beeatch and develop some dominance.
> 
> For instance, to your points:
> 1) Nothing to do here but get a divorce but ultimately you will find more sex in your next relationship , problem solved.
> ...


I basically agree with you...but. I believe that when a man has allowed himself to become "beta" or if he always was, once the women loses interest, I believe it is over. 

Some men may be able to over come this in their marriage, or be better for their next one, but most, once she loses respect, it is done.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I basically agree with you...but. I believe that when a man has allowed himself to become "beta" or if he always was, once the women loses interest, I believe it is over.
> 
> Some men may be able to over come this in their marriage, or be better for their next one, but most, once she loses respect, it is done.


True, I've heard of some successes but I'm sure there are lots more failures. Usually by the time the guy figures it out, the wife is already checked out and you know nothing will change a woman's mind that is made up. But, on the positive side, he'll be better prepared for his NEXT.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> MapMan said:
> 
> 
> > I disagree. There are many guys this happens to. It's possible that she's not sexual or just that she's not sexual with the OP. The starting questions are: What was it like when it was good? That will be the high point. If she was affectionate, if you guys had a sex life, then you can get it back.
> ...


Most of those points are in the book. I wasn't meaning to reduce it. I agree with your points, but there are subtleties in the book that explain many of the behaviours and what happened, on many cases. The book is really, really useful


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

spurious100 said:


> Over time however it's gotten less and less, and the anger and resentment from my side has just pushed us further apart. *She does everything else - washes my dirty clothes, cooks and cleans for me, looks after the house. I work out, I have a good job and spend time with the kids. But between the sheets there is nothing.* If I sleep next to her she will be on the ipad AND have the TV on - she will basically act like I'm not even there. If I touch her be accident or on purpose she will act like a stranger has touched her and move away annoyed.


You say that she does everything around the house for you. Do you contribute to anything around the house, or do you consider that to be a woman's job? Does she also work outside of the home? You say that you workout and you work; how many hours a day are you gone from home for work and doing your own thing? Does she get a chance to also go do her own thing, or is there no time at the end of the day for her? Good for you for spending time with your kids; you should, you're their Dad.

My thought are this: either she's just not that sexual of a person, or she feels overworked, overwhelmed and under-appreciated. When I was married, my H didn't do much to contribute around the house and in our lives. I felt like the chef, the maid, the gardener, plus I work full-time and run 2 small home-based businesses out of my home. When I was done for the evening (after H had spent the evening on his butt), I was exhausted, then he still expected me to have the energy to put out (earlier on in the marriage, anyways). Needless to say, it got to the point of deep resentment, and it was very toxic.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> I basically agree with you...but. I believe that when a man has allowed himself to become "beta" or if he always was, once the women loses interest, I believe it is over.
> 
> Some men may be able to over come this in their marriage, or be better for their next one, but most, once she loses respect, it is done.


that kind of depends. 

If the woman was just looking for the safe, stable guy for a home and kids and never had a true attraction or sexual desire for him, that may be true. 

But often there was an initial attraction and desire but people get bogged down with kids and jobs and bills and house repairs and people by necessity become more 'beta.'

We need to take a little step back and realize that men are not alpha or beta. It is not a binary thing that is either one or the other. 

There are alpha traits and characteristics and activities. Likewise there are bet traits and characteristics and activities. 

To have a healthy, ongoing relationship, there needs to be both alpha and beta. 

What often happens is by necessity men must employ more of the beta activities whilst raising kids and maintaining a home and family and the alpha characteristics tend to fall away to an extent. 

In those cases, sometimes bumping up some of the alpha traits can reignite some of the attraction and desire. 

It's like two dials on a radio; one for alpha and one for beta. The alpha dial often gets turned down too much in a LTR. Sometimes turning it back up can have a positive effect. 

One of the key factors is whether there ever was a true attraction or not. If the answer is no, then it's really questionable whether attraction can be generated. 

If there was good attraction in the past, sometimes it can be restored. 

I'm talking in generalities of course and not referring to this specific situation.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> that kind of depends.
> 
> If the woman was just looking for the safe, stable guy for a home and kids and never had a true attraction or sexual desire for him, that may be true.
> 
> ...


I agree with some of this in a way. Now for me personally, whether I am alpha or beta or whatever, I have a lot of different types of traits. 

I like to spoil my women, just GF now, but in the past I took pleasure in that. I cook for them, do all that romantic stuff. 

I am great with kids, and all babies, I just love them. And while I have been stupid with women before I have never allowed them to walk over me, like OP has. 

With most recent Ex W, I loved her, but we fought all the time because I would not put up with her crap. But I was stupid enough that I did not realize what was actually going on. And I was stupid because I should have just left her to die years ago. 

But some of the stuff in these threads, no sex, all the house work, bla bla bla... I was never that stupid or beta. 

I just don't understand some of this stuff???


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

spurious100 said:


> We have 2 young kids and* things took a nosedive after the youngest was born although there has been a few moments here and there. However over the last 2 years it's only gotten worse *and I feel like I am being tortured. I have a high drive wanting sex multiple times a week, wife wants it a couple of times every 6 months.




What was you guys' sex life and level of affection *before* children?

The "nosedive" started after the first child, then your sex life crashed and burned after the second child.

What form of birth control is she on?

Is she on any medications that affect libido; specifically, anti-depressants?

I assume she is a stay-at-home-mom, and does not raise two children, clean house and work full time?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Appears to be another "one hit wonder." 

I'd like to hope his vent helped, but I doubt it. Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Counseling is pissing money down the drain.....Most people are not open to change and think the other person needs to change, not them, so.........nothing changes! Your only hope is to tell her you are going to leave, then when she changes nothing........LEAVE and don't look back. The quicker you do this the less suffering you will encounter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> But some of the stuff in these threads, no sex, all the house work, bla bla bla... I was never that stupid or beta.
> 
> I just don't understand some of this stuff???



I don't get a lot of it either. 

There is beta and then there is weakness. 

Beta is not weakness and weak isn't beta. Allowing oneself to be pushed around and manipulated and exploited and not standing up for what you want is not beta, it is weakness. 

Beta are traits and behaviors that foster rapport, comfort, trust and stability.

Weakness does not foster those things, it is a detriment to them. One cannot trust someone who is weak and it is discomforting when someone allows themselves to be used and exploited and manipulated. 

Men that allow themselves to be exploited and manipulated are not beta, they are weak. Not pursuing and standing up for your own best interests is not beta, it is weak. 

In many of these instances it is not that these men are 'beta.' It is that they have gotten weak and pushed around and their wives lose respect and attraction. 

Beta traits and behaviors are good and positive. They are necessary to sustain a relationship. 

In many instances it is not that men are 'beta.' It is that they have let their alpha traits slide or put on the back burner and are not alpha enough to foster attraction and desire. 

It's not that they need to turn their beta dial down. They need to turn their alpha dial up.


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## Butterflybetty (Jun 18, 2018)

Oh my gosh. I just posted with this exact same problem only I'm the wife. I want to cry for both of us. From the outside no-one would tell the pain we're in. It's not like I need sex several times a day tho...genuine warm affection in any form would be a welcome change. 

This is awful. I'm 43 but definitely still look ok but I think I'd have a more difficult time meeting anyone again. Is this it for me? For you? Do we blow up our lives and risk a future of genuinely being alone over our shared parenting current situations. 

Just a word from a wife....nothing sexier than the thought of my man saying 'gorgeous woman get yourself into that bed...and sleeeeeep! I've got the kids, I'll clean the house, you just relax'. I would grab that man and love him until he begged for mercy....right after I woke up from that amaaayzing nap!


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

So has she EVER been affectionate? Or did this just start in the last 3 months. If she's never been that way....guess what? You married her so you can't expect her to change. But if this just showed up then you have to discover what caused it. There is a cause and affect for everything so something happend that caused her to turn away from you. That's the root of this issue. Fix the root...the affection will can come back. Women are emotional creatures. If our mood is not right or we are mad or whatever....so the affection follows. Most men can have sex inspite of their mood.

Have you tried counseling to uncover what the real issue is?

Also...what is her personality? Is she an introvert?

Good luck.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Why is everyone fixated on the sexual? She does not even want to DO anything with him except sit next to him to watch a movie. OP does she have ANY social life? Does she like to do anything?


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

It's awful to be in this kind of position. Many women may disagree and point the finger that you are not doing enough. I have had endless deep discussions with my wife and have changed on my part. Yet, I tend to regress when she ignores my plea. I have had her shoot down many harmless ideas of initiating sex. I have never seen her wait for me in bed with lingerie. I have complimented her a plenty, but it seems that its not enough. We can always talk and do, but as I get older that what could have been, should have been, can be no more... sorry.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

spurious100 said:


> Been married for 8 years and the last 3 or so have been hell.. I'm another of those people trapped in a sex-less marriage but also in one where there is 0 intimacy. No kissing, no touching, no hugging. Not on my b'day, not on Christmas or New Years, nothing ever.
> 
> We have 2 young kids and things took a nosedive after the youngest was born although there has been a few moments here and there. However over the last 2 years it's only gotten worse and I feel like I am being tortured. I have a high drive wanting sex multiple times a week, wife wants it a couple of times every 6 months.
> 
> ...


The non-answer to "Do you want to be with me?" makes me nervous. It sounds like you are trying to communicate with her but she's not returning the communication. 

I was in a relationship like that for 9 long years. We had sex once in while but even then, it was when he woke up in the morning and from behind in like 30 seconds. I was beyond frustrated. Jeez, I was in my 20s! I was full on "I want sex" even though we had three kids to tend to. He had had a vasectomy so there was no reason not to have sex once the kids went to bed. But he was a non-touchy person and I thought he found me repulsive somehow. Then I started feeling bad about myself. Then a neighbor guy hit on me and I, very reluctantly told my husband about it (they were friends and I hated that my husband would lose that friendship - and it did immediately end the friendship). Then I got a job outside the home and guys were swarming me. I was so confused how my husband could not be attracted to me and other men were. I had a very hard conversation with him much like the conversation you described with your wife. And his response was to just look away and be mad at me for asking for sex. At that point, we hadn't had sex for three weeks and I was going crazy. I can't imagine once or twice in six months. Personally, I couldn't last that long. Ever. I've got to get that girl stuff stretched out on a regular basis. So, for guys who seem to have an even higher sex drive than most women, that's got to be excruciating. 

But the no touching thing would just leave me devastated - and did. 

It finally did come down to divorce. 

The weird thing is that all of the sudden - even after all the discussions - he didn't want a divorce and was begging me to stay and start over. But I had checked out by then. I had an affair going (with a man I eventually married) and was having sex on a regular basis and I was not going back to a sexless marriage. I was so young back then and had so few tools to work with - and a really broken marriage. I mean, sex is important. It's certainly not the only thing to hang a relationship on but if both people are viable and healthy, it's just cruel to withhold sex from one's partner with no explanation or open discussion. 

I never looked back. It was the worst marriage situation one could be in. We were mismatched terribly. He met another woman many years later and was just on cloud nine with her. I think that's great. I went on to have another delightful relationship also. But I told myself that I would never deprive myself of sex like that again. Life is just too short and it's meant to be experienced and enjoyed. As long as no harm comes of sexual relationships, then they are a healthy part of life.

I only share my story to possibly give you someone else who can relate to your situation. I don't like seeing couples break up, especially if there are young children involved. There are solutions that are very outside the box for the two of you - but it would require lots of agreement and lots of discussions.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> True, I've heard of some successes but I'm sure there are lots more failures. Usually by the time the guy figures it out, the wife is already checked out and you know nothing will change a woman's mind that is made up. But, on the positive side, he'll be better prepared for his NEXT.


I have heard of very few successes either way.

There are men who have "gamed" (by doing things that they didn't really want to do and never did) their wives into a better sex life. Success on these fronts seems to wear out over time. Besides, who wants to spend all their time acting in a way they'd rather not just to have sex with their wife?

Then, there are wives who use to have spontaneous desire who now have responsive desire. Assuming that the husband hasn't dramatically changed his behavior or appearance, the wife's desire for sex may simply fall off due to a lack of New Relationship Energy (NRE), post childbirth body issues, the role of Mother making it hard for her to see herself as Wife, too many other things going on in her life (children) and just plain old boredom with sex. If she met a new man, she'd be spontaneous for a while and then fall right back when the NRE wore off.

If the wife is selfless, she'll consider the affect on her husband and things will generally work out.

If the wife is self-centered, she doesn't value her husband's happiness enough to go out of her way to try and improve the situation. Some motivation will be required.

Many (most?) husbands do not make it clear to their wife how important sex is to them (if they did this then their wife knowing that it's important to him and STILL not doing anything is all the more painful). Many women just figure that sex is as optional to their husband's as it is to them and do not take their husband's complaints seriously. I also think that there's a mantra going around modern society that "you shouldn't have sex if you don;t want to", not realizing that, if you started, you probably would "want to".

So. Make sure that you are talking to her in HER Love Languages. Make sure that you're carrying your weight in the family (not being yet another person she needs to take care of). Be the man you used to be. Take her on dates (if she'll go). Get back into shape (if you you're not there already). Don't be needy. Be self sufficient. Have your own life. Don't whine about sex. Ignore everything she says will make her want more sex with you (she doesn't know the answer herself).

When you've done all that you need to do (and want to do); tell her that you love her, love the family and are more than willing to do your part but* you have no intention of spending the rest of your life in a sexless marriage*. Tell her that some day (next year, when the kids go off to school, eventually) you're gone if nothing changes. Tell her that it doesn't have to change overnight but you need to see her engaged in trying to solve the problem. If she tries, you'll do your best to try equally hard. 

If that doesn't work (and it probably won't), then disengage from your wife, improve yourself for life after her and plan your exit.


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