# Do Spouses Have the Right To Expect Each Other To Stay in Shape?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

How important is physical attractiveness in marriage? If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?

If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?

If one spouse lets themselves go, is it wrong for their SO to lose attraction to them?

What's your take on this issue.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

I guess if you married someone solely based on how they look, you would insist they maintain that same shape throughout the duration of that marriage. Whether or not that person would agree to it is another matter 

But most people marry out of love for the other person. They marry the whole package, regardless of how their SO's appearance might change with time. Appearance isn't a deal-breaker for them, and they are generally *much* happier than the ones who marry for a "trophy spouse" 

My two cents' worth


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I don't think it is about marrying only for looks. You want to be physically attracted to your spouse. It is not good if that is lost.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

This is really a tough one. My wife is unsatisfied with her weight long before I am. I actually told her before we got married that as long as she weighs less than me, we will never have a problem. I am over a foot taller than her btw. 
As for other people, it is a pretty good moral question. Most people have their own expectations and should express them honestly before marriage. If they don't, this becomes a very hurtful and touchy subject and a mine field that I would never wish to navigate.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Attraction is not a choice. So losing it cannot be deemed right or wrong.

Gaining weight on the other hand, is a choice. You eat more calories than you burn.

It shortens your life span, ruins your self-esteem, limits what you can do with your body and what life experiences you can have.

Why would this be acceptable behavior for a spouse, any more than refusing to bathe or going to the dentist.

My wife and I were both getting fat for a while but we took action and both feel much better about ourselves, and each other.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Yes,if one wants to be fat they should do it before they get married and marry someone who is accepting of that.

Its like sex thing,great sex before marriage just to get married and then decide they don't like it after.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes.

It is not an unreasonable expectation.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not everyone has a choice. You have to remember there are those with health issues and disabilities that prevent cardio exercise. I'm not overweight, but I've put on weight naturally since I stopped running. 30lbs in a year actually, which I've lost most.

I use to be a runner(6 miles a day) and was forced to quit. I only eat 2 bowls of cereal and a small dinner(sometimes a 3rd bowl) everyday. I eat under 1200 calories a day. I do exercise(stationary bike), but it's not enough to lose weight. I'm almost tempted to switch my cereal to 1/2 serving of soup and 1 toast. I still want to cut calories to under 900 daily. Food is not important to me, but I hear its very unhealthy. I don't eat a lot of the foods I cook for my family since they are higher calorie. I also cook mostly from scratch, which makes it easy to control what goes in the dish.

I don't bring up my weight insecurities to my husband. He's extremely athletic and there is no possible way I'll ever have the super toned body I did 5 years ago. I can not walk more then a couple hundred feet without a wheelchair. My doctor has mentioned I may be in a full time wheelchair in the next 10 years.. I will avoid that at all costs.

My husband finds me attractive at every weight I've been. I gained 100lbs with each child, but lost it right away. I work as hard as I can to stay thin, but it's always not easy. I am a woman after all and I do crave chocolate every once in a while.

Biking has helped me tremendously! It has given me the strength to accomplish more physical activities during the day. It helps my mood as well. 

I wish I had that same body as 5 years ago. I was very thin, toned and confident.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?


No, I think this is an unrealistic expectation. Pregnancy changes a woman's body; multiple pregnancies change it even more.

It is UNFAIR to compare one woman to another (ie, MY mother had 8 children and she stayed slim, blah, blah, blah). No two women's pregnancies are alike, even the same woman may have VASTLY different pregnancies. 

Then there is the possibility of physical illness playing a role in either partner's health/attractiveness/energy levels.



> If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?


One would hope that simply pointing out the lessening of attraction to the out-of-shape spouse, the detriment to the spouse's health, an offer to improve eating/working out TOGETHER would be all that is needed. But, short of a situation that is LIFE-THREATENING, I don't think a spouse should DEMAND that the other change. That being said, the extremely obese/out-of-shape spouse should NOT be surprised when S.O. is no longer interested in sex, or intimacy or even sharing as much free-time since it is obvious that the obese/out-of-shape spouse is self-indulging or using food to deal with issues instead of working on them with S.O. (this presumes that DISEASE is NOT the cause of the obesity).



> If one spouse lets themselves go, is it wrong for their SO to lose attraction to them?


There is no right/wrong involved; attraction to someone is a visceral response, it's primitive! We're attracted/repulsed to the looks of others based on who-knows-what internal, subconscious criteria. If you find yourself repulsed or just not-attracted to your spouse who has let himself/herself go, I don't think that's WRONG. Acting upon it by cheating with someone else IS WRONG!



> Do Spouses Have the Right To Expect Each Other To Stay in Shape?


I think loving mature spouses have the right to expect their S.O. to make REASONABLE EFFORTS (given age, health, etc.) to stay in a HEALTHY state that makes the owner of the body comfortable (if they no longer wish to go to the gym 5 nights a week, okay...needs/priorities change) and the spouse comfortable (making reasonable accommodation for age, health, etc.).


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Zanne said:


> This is hard. If you "expect" them to stay in shape and they don't, what then? Yes, it is a choice, but if physical fitness and weight loss were easy it wouldn't be a problem in our country. More than one-third of U.S. adults are obese (CDC.gov)!
> 
> In my own marriage of 23 years, I am the one who has stayed in shape. I dare say that I am in better shape now than when I was in my 20's. Yes, I have wrinkles, stretch marks, etc. - those are battle scars! But I eat right and stay active.
> 
> ...


I don't consider "sickness and health" to include lifestyle illnesses that are a matter of choice. If it did there would be no cause for divorcing an alcoholic or drug addict for example. I don't understand why food/sugar addiction gets this special place as a disease that we are just expected to live with, even though it kills millions every year and ruins lives just like drug and alcohol addictions.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If she has a medical problem/issue, I wouldn't make a major issue of it. 

If she just doesn't care, then it would be a problem.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

As long as my spouse would be making an honest effort in keeping themselves looking as good as they can reasonably expect is all that I can ask of them.

And I would greatly say that they have the same right to say the very same thing about me!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

One spouse doesn't have a "right" to demand that the other spouse remain in shape.
Rather, each spouse has a RESPONSIBILITY to remain in shape for the other. (Taking into account age/medical/health limitations).

It's a subtle, but important difference.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has told me ...if I gained too much weight, he'd love me forever, never leave me .....But the *desire* would be slipping ...and he added...he probably wouldn't be able to get it up with a crane...Not very nice I know... but I appreciate his honesty. 

So for him (and being lower TEST to begin with/ not a lusty dog ready to take me down every night), it's damn important to stay in shape..if I care about HIS DESIRE & our







life. 

And me... I like lanky men, I don't care about 6 packs, muscles, going to the gym -not important to me...but I LOVE a flat stomach on a man...... he knows THIS. We've exercised together...we hate it, but we've done it. Have gotten away from it, need to get back. Both of us would be on each other if we started to gain too much. 

In this Book.... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ there is a list of 10 Core emotional Needs ...notice #8. For some people, it is very important, could be high on their list... for others, it could be low, at the bottom, doesn't make one person more "shallow" than the other...though this is often implied. 



> * 10 Emotional needs:
> *
> 1. Admiration
> 2. Affection
> ...


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I try to think how I'd be affected if my husband demanded physical fitness from me. Suffice it to say I would not respond well and because I can be a bit oppositional, I would probably gain weight purposefully to make a point. And save the comments, I totally realize how immature and destructive this behavior would be, but we all have our weaknesses. I'm not good at being TOLD what to do and don't particularly appreciate when people place conditions on their love and affection. 

My husband is much more into aesthetics than I am. He was very much in shape when we met, and although he looks good, his body has changed. He is no longer slim and his arms are less muscular than before. It hasn't phased me, as long as he is comfortable, I'm good.
I was much more slender when we met, yet I had more body image issues. Since the inception of our marriage my husband made it clear that he would have difficulty being with someone who "let themselves go". But this wasn't just about weight but rather attitude. If I hung around in sweatpants all day, didnt take care of my skin, nails, hair, he would have a problem. I've always known this. He likes for me to be natural but take pride in my appearance. So at this age after three kids my body is definitely different, yet he says I am sexier than I have ever been. Go figure. I guess attraction is multifaceted. 

So I think you need to explain to you partner what you expectations are; attraction is in fact very important. I could not be with someone who viewed this totally on the superficial, but you need to know what you signed up for. In the end, though, how I choose to prioritize how much time and effort i put on my appearance is totally up to me.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

This sounds crazy to me. I was around 200lbs on my wedding day, and if my husband fetishised fat women, would he have the right to expect me to stay 200lbs? I think not! So the idea of anyone demanding 'well you were that size on our wedding day, so you should stay that size' seems really odd to me.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I can speak from personal experience here...I made a whole thread about it myself a couple weeks ago. 

My husand has gradually put on about 120 lbs during our 19 years of marriage. He constantly says he hates being "fat" (his words), but has given up on trying to do anything about it. He's chosen to accept that "being fat" is his lot in life. 

Because he's so sensitive about his weight, it's off the table for discussion. So in turn, issues like how it's affected our sex life (and it has, severely), my loss of attraction for him, how we can't do things like go to amusement parks because he doesn't fit in the rides, and on and on are also off the table for discussion. 

It has caused me to build some resentment. I am petite and weigh at most 10 lbs more than I did when we got married. I stay active and work out regularly (LOVE the Insanity workout!). 

His weight severely affects his self esteem. Yes, he is depressed, I don't need told that. He won't recognize it. He is so accustomed to feeling this way, so like I said, he's simply resigned to living out the rest of his life being overweight and depressed. I, myself, am not. Therefore, after the holidays, we are going to have a very difficult conversation about issues he has insisted on ignoring for many years. It will not be easy. But at this point, I am so fed up that I am ready to face whatever consequences may come from my forcing him to face the issues. Either he seriously addresses the weight issue, or I'm done. That's where I'm at with it.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Let me illustrate how significant weight gain can directly impact the emotional needs within a marriage: 

Taken from SimplyAmorous' post...

10 Emotional needs:

1. Admiration I admire my husband less when I see that he doesn't care enough about himself to take charge of his health
2. Affection Resentment about how his weight has negatively impacted so many aspects of our marriage and his unwillingness to acknowledge and change that makes me feel less affectionate toward him. 
3. Conversation Anything related to his weight and anything it affects in our marriage is not up for discussion with him. I can't talk freely with him about my feelings.
4. Domestic support He does help around the house a fair amount. But anything that takes a lot of effort or physical agility (such as home repairs) he procrastinates on because he knows he's not physically able to do certain things, like crawl under the house. But he won't let me hire it out either because he's embarrassed to admit he has to hire someone to do repairs he can't do because of his weight.
5. Family commitment N/A
6. Financial support N/A
7. Honesty and openness Back to the communication thing...I have been shut down so many times about my feelings about things when my feelings make him feel guilty about not being in better shape. Honesty and openness have become "bury our heads in the sand".
8. Physical attractiveness 120 lb weight gain makes him look like and behave like a totally different man than who I married. How can it NOT affect my attraction to him?
9. Recreational companionship As in my previous example about not being able to do things like go to amusement parks. He doesn't like to do anything that requires a lot of physical exertion. I like to do things like crawl around in caves, go hiking, play volleyball, etc.
10. Sexual fulfillment Our sex life is far from fulfilling. Because of his weight, we never can do the standard missionary position. I crave that closeness and feeling of him 'taking control' sexually. Haven't had that for about 15 years or so. The only position we do is me on top. I'm so bored with that I could scream. Other positions we can do on occasion, like him standing at the side of the bed, etc are so devoid of touching and closeness, it all feels so detached. Sex is about once a month, sometimes once every 2 months. I would want it a lot more if it was fulfilling to me. He seems to be ok with once every 1-2 months. I'm growing restless though. 

So...8 out of the top 10 emotional needs within a marriage have been directly or indirectly impacted by his weight gain and subsequent refusal to do anything about it. It matters.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Zanne said:


> This is hard. If you "expect" them to stay in shape and they don't, what then? Yes, it is a choice, but if physical fitness and weight loss were easy it wouldn't be a problem in our country. More than one-third of U.S. adults are obese (CDC.gov)!
> 
> In my own marriage of 23 years, I am the one who has stayed in shape. I dare say that I am in better shape now than when I was in my 20's. Yes, I have wrinkles, stretch marks, etc. - those are battle scars! But I eat right and stay active.
> 
> ...


If your husband was killing himself slowly, draining your money, and smothering your life at the feet of a crack cocaine addiction, would you feel the same way?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I think it depends mostly on priorities and expectations

My husand has never been a thin or muscular man, at least not since he was younger, not that he's old now lol, but he's older. His weight is an absolute non issue for me except for the fact that it negatively impacts his health (type 2 diabetic). His weight doesn't affect my admiration, affection or attration towards him at all. The sex is very good, and frequent. I didn't come into our marriage with the expectation that my husband woul be a hard body, that wasn't on my list of stuff that I needed to be happy. Financial security, on the other hand, is very high on my list. If that sudenly dissapeared and my husband lost the drive and motivation to be financially secure, my affection, admiration, and attraction would likely drop. I couldn't see myself happily poor or poorish. I know other women don't mind stay at home spouses or being the main bread winner, but that's absolutely something I'm not interested in. 

my husband on the other hand is not attracted to big/overweight women. If I packed on 100+ lbs, my husband would not be attracted to me. Would he leave me? Probably mot. Would he be much less interested in sleeping with me? Yes. My physical appearance is very high on my husbands list of important stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Let me illustrate how significant weight gain can directly impact the emotional needs within a marriage:
> 
> Taken from SimplyAmorous' post...
> 
> ...


This post should be a huge eye opener to those who believe that poor eating habits, sloth, and weight gain in a marriage aren't that big of a deal, or aren't anywhere near as important as other threats to the marriage.

Ignoring this enormously potent problem is becoming more and more standard, as many people feel like weight issues should get the "head in the sand" approach from everyone, including their spouses.

Weight, and a lack of fitness, won't matter to some; but it does to so many people who feel pressured to keep their traps shut.


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## bouillon (Nov 13, 2012)

It depends on the relationship. If when you married you were both overweight, making the changes to get in shape could be problematic because there is a change in lifestyle. If you were both in shape and active initially and someone lets them self go... I don't think you have the "right" but are justified in helping them return to where they were. I think you have the "right" to want your spouse to be healthy and at their personal best.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

People change; health and attraction are important aspects regardless. It shouldn't matter what people were like physically when they got together. People should want to be at their best for their spouse.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

As long as I can expect my husband wont lose his hair, he can expect me to be physically fit.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The difference between a close friendship and a romantic relationship is sexual attraction. If the sexual attraction goes away, you have two people who live as roommates or as two good friends raising children together. Therefore, it's important to stay fit as we can given our individual circumstances. Some degree of weight gain over time (10-15 pounds) is fine with me, but a lot (25 pounds or more) would induce me to say something, gentle and diplomatic, and I would expect the same from him. My husband and I have had this conversation and both of us are in agreement. We would NEVER leave the other for weight gain and in return we both try to work out regularly to stay in the best shape we can for our age, size and lifestyle. 

My husband has stuck with me through illnesses, job changes, geographic relocations, and a whole lot more. Shouldn't the person who has seen me at my worst deserve to have me at my best? That's why I try to track my food and exercise. I want to be the best version of me for me and for him.

I don't think we can ever demand a spouse stay in physically fit shape, but we can ask, talk about it, lead a lifestyle that will lend itself to a healthy lifestyle. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, if you know what I mean.

It's important to be physically healthy and fit as possible while recognizing most of us are not going to look like professional athletes or fitness models. At the same time, we need to realize society, at least in America, is much larger in size than they used to be. Now when I go to the doctor, I see huge wide chairs in the waiting rooms to accomodate patients who weigh several hundred pounds. I can spot at least 2-3 obese people in a day. Growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s, I can't recall ever seeing someone obese in school or in my neighborhood. Clothes were smaller, chairs were smaller, portions were smaller. The world, at least where I live, has changed and I live in a state that's not really known for overweight people either. Just because people have gotten bigger doesn't mean that we have to say nothing can be done about our own individual weight gain over time.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I'd like to say yes, but demand is a strong word in my opinion and doesn't allow of for some changes that occur. In a long term marriage I think it's unrealistic to expect your spouse's body to remain the same 20 years down the line. However, becoming so comfortable in your marriage that you let yourself go is a problem.

It has always been hard for me to gain weight, something I use to try to do for years, however I still watch what I eat and exercise. I was diagnosed with HBP, it runs deep in my family and my very common for my race. If I didn't take precautions to try to stay as healthy as possible, even if It's not about weight, I think my H would lose some attraction for me. It would be a sign of letting myself go. Likewise, if he stopped exercising and had a beer belly I would lose some attraction for him as well.

I think these are the times when you should be able to have the difficult conversations with your spouse about appearances. It can and sometimes does effect the marriage.


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## Ghost88 (Dec 9, 2012)

I am not sure what to answer. I want to leave aside either major health issues or huge weight gain. 120lbs is a major health issue.

When my wife and I married we were both very fit. After kids she put on about 25 pounds (125 to just under 150). My weight and fitness have been the same since college (I am just over 50). My attraction to her was not really less. The relationship issue I had:

1. She didn't feel good about herself, and wanted less intimacy ("how could I be attractive?") 
2. Made worse by "I don't believe you could be attracted to me because you are fit".

She is back at just over 130 and I can see all the differences you would expect/hope for.

So none of the choices seem right to me:

1. Demanding is a recipe for...well something not good
2. Their weight/fitness have an impact on our relationship, often significant. So ignoring isn't right.
3. It is realistic to be fit, active and healthy barring major health issues. 
4. And yes, I do care what my spouse looks like.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It's for the whole package, and if that package is losing value over time something is wrong that needs to be repaired.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I vote yes

I guess one thing good about my wife and I is that we keep each other in shape and don't whine if one of us tells us to hit the freakin gym. Sex appeal to us is important for both of us, besides she expects and demands various positions that needs alot of physical strength and endurance, and she's not a small girl either at 5'9 and her toned physique.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not everyone has a choice. You have to remember there are those with health issues and disabilities that prevent cardio exercise. I'm not overweight, but I've put on weight naturally since I stopped running. 30lbs in a year actually, which I've lost most.


Forgive me if you've already looked into these suggestions, but there may be another way. I haven't done cardio exercise since age 30, when I quit doing 3 mile runs which were previously a job requirement. I didn't get fat right away, it came on very suddenly between age 38-40. I was able to get my physique back without going hungry and without doing any cardio. In fact, cardio and aerobics were not necessary at all. A low carb "paleo" type diet took the fat off without starvation and HIT resistance training put the muscle back on. I highly recommend a couple of books: The Primal Blueprint and Body by Science. Ignore the exercise recommendations in Primal Blueprint in favor of Body by Science. You might also find another book useful, Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It. 

If you can bike, you can train this way on machines using a lighter weight and a very slow and controlled lifting and lowering speed (10 up, 10 down). I use this with clients who are coming back from injury or sickness. I also use it to break plateaus with advanced trainees. Is it correct that you have some type of spinal injury from an accident?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

aribabe said:


> I think it depends mostly on priorities and expectations
> 
> My husand has never been a thin or muscular man, at least not since he was younger, not that he's old now lol, but he's older. His weight is an absolute non issue for me except for the fact that it negatively impacts his health (type 2 diabetic). *His weight doesn't affect my admiration, affection or attration towards him at all.* The sex is very good, and frequent. I didn't come into our marriage with the expectation that my husband woul be a hard body, that wasn't on my list of stuff that I needed to be happy. *Financial security, on the other hand, is very high on my list. If that sudenly dissapeared and my husband lost the drive and motivation to be financially secure, my affection, admiration, and attraction would likely drop*. I couldn't see myself happily poor or poorish. .....
> 
> *my husband on the other hand is not attracted to big/overweight women. If I packed on 100+ lbs, my husband would not be attracted to me*. Would he leave me? Probably mot. Would he be much less interested in sleeping with me? Yes. *My physical appearance is very high on my husbands list of important stuff*.


See - now here is a good example...of how 2 people have different expectations/ what attracts them....and each honors them -respectively....for the good of the marriage. :smthumbup:

I am the complete opposite of Aribabe.... I've always cared MORE about LOOKS over what a guy makes / his social status







... ...But I have to be attracted to his body ... yeah, that's high for me, I'd rather live in a shack with a hottie than be with a CEO who was overweight.....cause then I'd be daydreaming about the







Gardner outside my window ...it just wouldn't be good. 

Of course such a man needs to earn enough to live within his means, but a 1st class lifestyle...... NOT necessary for me at all. I like Garage sales & Consignment shops... I shop with a 



Waking up to life said:


> Let me illustrate how significant weight gain can directly impact the emotional needs within a marriage:
> 
> Taken from SimplyAmorous' post...
> 
> ...


Alot of insight here....how this one issue, when it's important to a spouse....how this directly affects nearly ALL of these very important emotional needs ~ in a marriage. 

I feel your frustration Waking up to Life... this would be so very very difficult


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That depends on what your framework looks like. Do you mean the nominal middle aged 20-30lbs or do you mean the Walmart Scooter Rodeo of 450lb-r's who wheeze when they lift a fork to their maw? Nobody woke up one day discovering they could be harvested for lubricants and fuel like whales.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nobody woke up one day discovering they could be harvested for lubricants and fuel like whales.


Excuse me while I clean the spew off my monitor.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Forgive me if you've already looked into these suggestions, but there may be another way. I haven't done cardio exercise since age 30, when I quit doing 3 mile runs which were previously a job requirement. I didn't get fat right away, it came on very suddenly between age 38-40. I was able to get my physique back without going hungry and without doing any cardio. In fact, cardio and aerobics were not necessary at all. A low carb "paleo" type diet took the fat off without starvation and HIT resistance training put the muscle back on. I highly recommend a couple of books: The Primal Blueprint and Body by Science. Ignore the exercise recommendations in Primal Blueprint in favor of Body by Science. You might also find another book useful, Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It.
> 
> If you can bike, you can train this way on machines using a lighter weight and a very slow and controlled lifting and lowering speed (10 up, 10 down). I use this with clients who are coming back from injury or sickness. I also use it to break plateaus with advanced trainees. Is it correct that you have some type of spinal injury from an accident?


Yes, I injured my spinal cord in my cervical area.

Thank you for the book suggestions.


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## JediG (Nov 9, 2012)

I think if you really love them, how much they weigh shouldn't be a problem unless they get to the point of being unhealthily obese or underweight, like what Zanne was talking about with her (or his) husband's diabetes. 

But to be honest I can't understand it much because I've been attracted to my husband through all of his different stages of appearance - from being a pudgy teenager with greasy hair and bad skin to a few years ago when he put on a fair bit of wait when he had always been pretty scrawny. It's just a constant for me. I wouldn't care if he was ripped or if he was overweight (His arms do look really, really good since he's started working out regularly though...). And he doesn't care when it comes to me, either. Although he did mourn a bit when I slimmed down a few years ago and lost that softness he loved so much.

Anyway, I don't think people have the right to expect that their spouses stay in shape, but maybe it's something else when a person doesn't want to stay in shape for their spouse and be as attractive as they could possibly be for them? I was completely fine with putting a few pounds on again for him, I felt good about it even because I knew he loved it. Maybe there's some problems brewing when someone doesn't want to put that effort in for the person they love anymore.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

You can demand your husband or wife to do anything. But what you can say is: if you do this, I'll do that. For example, if you don't take care of yourself, I will lose attraction for you. But you don't have the right the demand anything of anyone. You can however, make your own choices based off their choices. Communication in the nicest way possible is key, while still being honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

*CAN'T demand them to do anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> *CAN'T demand them to do anything
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is correct. My husband and I would never demand anything from each other.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> That depends on what your framework looks like. *Do you mean the nominal middle aged 20-30lbs *or do you mean the Walmart Scooter Rodeo of 450lb-r's who wheeze when they lift a fork to their maw? Nobody woke up one day discovering they could be harvested for lubricants and fuel like whales.


I think this really represents a huge problem that Westerners have.

There is nothing "nominal" about a 20-30 lbs weight gain. Being that much above your optimal, healthy weight is still clinically "overweight", and the health issues that are associated with excess weight begin to become apparent, especially during middle age. It's even more imperative that older people put a tight reign on "middle aged spread", a "condition" that is taken as automatic, but actually is anything but.

Almost all of us agree that obesity, and morbid obesity, are problems, but one of the most dangerous shifts in perspective we've encountered is the widespread acceptance that being overweight is perfectly fine, and natural. Gaining five, maybe ten pounds, is no big biggy. Packing on 20, 30, or 40 lbs is indeed a problem.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yes, I injured my spinal cord in my cervical area.
> 
> Thank you for the book suggestions.


Yes Machiavelli gave you some excellent sources. It's very difficult to manage weight eating high carb, like you do, for quite a lot of people. If your mobility is limited it can be like trying to walk up a straight wall. Finding a much lower carb, more protein/fat rich eating style might be the key to helping you comfortably maintain weight, without the insane calorie deprivation. I know this way of eating gives me great freedom to enjoy food, without the weight gain.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I think this really represents a huge problem that Westerners have.
> 
> There is nothing "nominal" about a 20-30 lbs weight gain. Being that much above your optimal, healthy weight is still clinically "overweight", and the health issues that are associated with excess weight begin to become apparent, especially during middle age. It's even more imperative that older people put a tight reign on "middle aged spread", a "condition" that is taken as automatic, but actually is anything but.
> 
> Almost all of us agree that obesity, and morbid obesity, are problems, but one of the most dangerous shifts in perspective we've encountered is the widespread acceptance that being overweight is perfectly fine, and natural. Gaining five, maybe ten pounds, is no big biggy. Packing on 20, 30, or 40 lbs is indeed a problem.


Agree.

What is really sad to me is how many overweight children I see.

When I was in grade/high school in the 70's, there was maybe 1-2 overweight children in the whole school & sometimes they were from the same family.

When my girls were in school in the 90's, the number of overweight children increased to a ratio of 10/30 per class. We raised our daughters with very little junk food & kept them active in sports. They stayed a healthy weight.

Yet they would go to certain friend's homes where the entire family was overweight & cupboards were full of chips, cookies, sodas....sigh......

Now that children are all "plugged" into computers, video games & not spending enough time playing outdoors compounded by huge portions at fast food joints, etc., I feel so bad for these children.

On the flip side, my baby granddaughter is being raised in Waikiki. She spends all her time at the beach playing, walking, surfing & swimming. They do not own a TV. They eat healthy & are healthy & best of all this child is unplugged!

Sorry for the tangent........


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I think this really represents a huge problem that Westerners have.
> 
> There is nothing "nominal" about a 20-30 lbs weight gain. Being that much above your optimal, healthy weight is still clinically "overweight", and the health issues that are associated with excess weight begin to become apparent, especially during middle age. It's even more imperative that older people put a tight reign on "middle aged spread", a "condition" that is taken as automatic, but actually is anything but.
> 
> Almost all of us agree that obesity, and morbid obesity, are problems, but one of the most dangerous shifts in perspective we've encountered is the widespread acceptance that being overweight is perfectly fine, and natural. Gaining five, maybe ten pounds, is no big biggy. Packing on 20, 30, or 40 lbs is indeed a problem.


Here's my problem with this; I don't much agree with today's standards for "ideal" weight in medical terms. I also think too much focus is centered on weight rather than health. I am in fact 25 lbs over my "ideal weight". I am also a vegetarian. I eat mostly organic foods but I do enjoy sweets and carbs. Physically I'm in better health than when I was "skinny". My bloodwork is optimal, I'm rarely tired, etc. Whether its genes/culture, my weight gain tends to get directed to areas my husband rather enjoys to be "soft". So gaining 25lbs is perfectly healthy and accepted in my circle. What constitutes being overweight is defined differently by different people. Having benchmarks for health is a better way to go for me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> Here's my problem with this; I don't much agree with today's standards for "ideal" weight in medical terms. I also think too much focus is centered on weight rather than health. I am in fact 25 lbs over my "ideal weight". I am also a vegetarian. I eat mostly organic foods but I do enjoy sweets and carbs. Physically I'm in better health than when I was "skinny". My bloodwork is optimal, I'm rarely tired, etc. Whether its genes/culture, my weight gain tends to get directed to areas my husband rather enjoys to be "soft". So gaining 25lbs is perfectly healthy and accepted in my circle. What constitutes being overweight is defined differently by different people. Having benchmarks for health is a better way to go for me.


The accepted, standard height/weight charts are great guidelines, but they are just that, guidelines. If someone is very muscular, for example, they might appear overweight on the scale, but that is not unhealthy fat weight. It's less about weight, and more body composition.

But they are great guidelines because the chart is relevant for the_ majority_ of people. These charts were developed at a time when the world was not widely overweight, so the charts are actually based on human beings during a more lean, fit time; it is not theoretical. You said "today's standards", which is incorrect. Human beings haven't suddenly spontaneously evolved over the last 30 years. Most people who are well outside of the range of the standard H/W chart are, indeed, overweight.

And, and this is largely overlooked, there is indeed a _*range*_. It is actually a VERY liberal range in fact.

According to a standard H/W medical chart, a 5' 9" woman can range anywhere from 129 - 170 lbs, depending on her frame. Now that is a wide range of 41 lbs. That leaves a ton of room for said 5' 9" woman to find her "ideal", healthy weight.

Something is wrong if that same 5' 9" woman bulks at the notion that she can't find her healthy weight in a *41 lbs range*.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Soccerfan73 said:


> If she has a medical problem/issue, I wouldn't make a major issue of it.
> 
> If she just doesn't care, then it would be a problem.


Or if _he_ just doesn't care, then it would be a problem.
To me, the attitude of the spouses is crucial in this issue.
If my husband was to just give up trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, I would be turned off, not gonna lie.
Just as he would feel the same if I did too.
I see trying to stay healthy & in shape as being present & aware in your marriage, that maintaining your attraction to your mate is important to YOU, not just them. 
The effort involved would be as important as the actual work to staying fit.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The accepted, standard height/weight charts are great guidelines, but they are just that, guidelines. If someone is very muscular, for example, they might appear overweight on the scale, but that is not unhealthy fat weight. It's less about weight, and more body composition.
> 
> But they are great guidelines because the chart is relevant for the_ majority_ of people. These charts were developed at a time when the world was not widely overweight, so the charts are actually based on human beings during a more lean, fit time; it is not theoretical. You said "today's standards", which is incorrect. Human beings haven't suddenly spontaneously evolved over the last 30 years. Most people who are well outside of the range of the standard H/W chart are, indeed, overweight.
> 
> ...


My range at 5'6" is 38 pounds to still be considered normal weight.

I have been at the highest 153 & I was fat, no doubt about it & all in the belly - the worst fat to have. I am small boned & with a family history of heart disease, my doctor told me to lose 10-15 pounds for optimal health. This weight gain was due to menopause & if you do all the reading about menopause, it clearly states that this can be a symptom & life changes must be made.

Prior to menopause, I weighed 135 which I & my doctors agree is my optimal weight. I am almost there 

My husband is 6'2". His optimal weight is 180. If he gains only 15 pounds, he is overweight & again, gains it all in the belly.

Okay, so forget all the charts, BMI calculators, etc. - we all know that carrying extra fat is not healthy. I'm not going to argue whether it is attractive or not - that is an individual choice.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Yes Machiavelli gave you some excellent sources. It's very difficult to manage weight eating high carb, like you do, for quite a lot of people. If your mobility is limited it can be like trying to walk up a straight wall. Finding a much lower carb, more protein/fat rich eating style might be the key to helping you comfortably maintain weight, without the insane calorie deprivation. I know this way of eating gives me great freedom to enjoy food, without the weight gain.


I use all 100% whole wheat flours for my husband in pasta and breads. The kids get unbleached white in cooking. I don't eat a lot of it myself, but my husband is training for another ironman, so carbs are important to him. I eliminate all refined sugars and use natural in place which is less since its not needed.

I keep track of all my carbs, protein, fiber, vitamins, fats, calories, ect. daily using an app. Cooking is a passion of mine, but it's to please my family and not me. 

Right now hubby and I are biking next to each other on our bike trainers.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I use all 100% whole wheat flours for my husband in pasta and breads. The kids get unbleached white in cooking. I don't eat a lot of it myself, but my husband is training for another ironman, so carbs are important to him. I eliminate all refined sugars and use natural in place which is less since its not needed.
> 
> I keep track of all my carbs, protein, fiber, vitamins, fats, calories, ect. daily using an app. Cooking is a passion of mine, but it's to please my family and not me.
> 
> Right now hubby and I are biking next to each other on our bike trainers.


The info Mach gave you denounces the use of "whole wheat". You should have a look at it, and keep an open mind. You might be surprised to learn that human beings actually have no physiological need for "whole wheat", and that getting carbohydrates from planet and nut sources is sufficient, and preferable. Cereal and pastas can be murder to a lot of people who are trying to lose weight. That might not fit you personally, but I know it does me, and many, many others. I can actually eat above my maintenance calories on a low carb plan and not gain a pound. And yet I struggle to lose weight even with a caloric deficient eating things like "whole wheat" flour, breads, and cereals.

Again, not necessarily a universal approach, but worth looking into if you want freedom from eating only 1,200 calories a day, and meticulously working to keep your weight down.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When I was 17 I was 5'9 and weighed 145. Now I am 6'1 and weigh 180. I don't think that 35lbs is a burden.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think the big thing is - if you are someone who -does- have this expectation, that you should be honest about this *-before-* marriage. The same as about sexual expectations and porn usage. 

Anyone is free to have any expectations they want in a spouse, however, they should be honest about those expectations before hand - so that their intended can agree to your terms or realize they don't, and leave. However, when you hide your expectations, assuming that your intended will follow them without ever verbalizing them, you are asking for trouble. 

Debating what should or shouldn't happen, what is right or wrong, or whether its just a Western problem with yourself won't change anything. As you can see by this thread, different people have different opinions on this topic.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Again, I know people who are thin, within the range, lean, etc. yet they eat poorly and can't run a mile. I know people who are considered overweight by the guidelines yet they have healthy eating habits, are active and the weight does not impact their functioning. Yes, weight is one benchmark for health, but not THE benchmark in my opinion. People can resort to many unhealthy things to reach their optimal weight. I like to focus on lifestyle in general.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Ina said:


> Again, I know people who are thin, within the range, lean, etc. yet they eat poorly and can't run a mile. I know people who are considered overweight by the guidelines yet they have healthy eating habits, are active and the weight does not impact their functioning. Yes, weight is one benchmark for health, but not THE benchmark in my opinion. People can resort to many unhealthy things to reach their optimal weight. I like to focus on lifestyle in general.


Agree just a benchmark. Frank Gore's BMI at 5'9" 217 pounds puts him at "morbidly obese" LOL. That man is pure muscle.

(Go Niners - beat the pats)


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> When I was 17 I was 5'9 and weighed 145. Now I am 6'1 and weigh 180. I don't think that 35lbs is a burden.


You also gained 4 inches in height.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> I think the big thing is - if you are someone who -does- have this expectation, that you should be honest about this *-before-* marriage. The same as about sexual expectations and porn usage.
> 
> Anyone is free to have any expectations they want in a spouse, however, they should be honest about those expectations before hand - so that their intended can agree to your terms or realize they don't, and leave. However, when you hide your expectations, assuming that your intended will follow them without ever verbalizing them, you are asking for trouble.
> 
> Debating what should or shouldn't happen, what is right or wrong, or whether its just a Western problem with yourself won't change anything. As you can see by this thread, different people have different opinions on this topic.


Because that is a conversation you want to have with someone when you are dating...about weight. People hide a lot of things when dating, you don't want to show your skeletons and such if you want to win them over. Those things come out after the ring is on the finger.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Ina said:


> Again, I know people who are thin, within the range, lean, etc. yet they eat poorly and can't run a mile. I know people who are considered overweight by the guidelines yet they have healthy eating habits, are active and the weight does not impact their functioning. Yes, weight is one benchmark for health, but not THE benchmark in my opinion. People can resort to many unhealthy things to reach their optimal weight. I like to focus on lifestyle in general.


It is possible to be thin/not overweight and in bad health. I don't think anyone would argue with that. But it is not possible to be overweight and in good health. It will always be better for you to lose the excess body fat, no matter how good your health is otherwise.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You're so right, Ina! After college I weighed about 125lbs. but dieted (more like starved) down to 112lbs. I looked GREAT, BUT I was anemic...couldn't donate blood!

That scared me into eating properly, I thought 'if people could see me on the inside, they wouldn't be impressed'! I wondered how many other young people that I thought looked so 'hot' were actually in very poor health? (Not enough vitamins/minerals, no cardio ability, no strength, etc.)


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> Again, I know people who are thin, within the range, lean, etc. yet they eat poorly and can't run a mile. I know people who are considered overweight by the guidelines yet they have healthy eating habits, are active and the weight does not impact their functioning. Yes, weight is one benchmark for health, but not THE benchmark in my opinion. People can resort to many unhealthy things to reach their optimal weight. I like to focus on lifestyle in general.


Of course, but like I said, it's a _guideline_. We all can come up with exceptions, but MOST people who are well outside of their BMI range (or even with in it if they have a small frame but are heavier) are overweight and out of shape.

Also keeping in mind that weight isn't just an issue of health in a marriage. There is an attraction element here in this conversation.



Runs like Dog said:


> When I was 17 I was 5'9 and weighed 145. Now I am 6'1 and weigh 180. I don't think that 35lbs is a burden.


Uh, you had a height spurt that made you over 6 feet tall. 180, for a man of your height, is well within healthy range. 

Unless this is one of your jokes, and I just didn't get the punchline this time?


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Of course, but like I said, it's a guideline.
> 
> Also keeping in mind that weight isn't just an issue of health in a marriage. There is an attraction element here in this conversation.


So true, but attraction is subjective. Some like 'em curvy, some like 'em slim. Listen there are some actresses that can go above the range solely from the fat packing in their backside; yet that's what they are known for and some men go gaga over it. 

Seriously though, I wonder what impact Dolly's twins had on her weight.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Of course, but like I said, it's a _guideline_. We all can come up with exceptions, but MOST people who are well outside of their BMI range (or even with in it if they have a small frame but are heavier) are overweight.
> 
> Also keeping in mind that weight isn't just an issue of health in a marriage. There is an attraction element here in this conversation.


Right. What one person finds attractive, another may not.

The truth is if my husband was overweight, I would never have answered his email on Match.com. Now maybe if I got to know him & his personality IRL first, my feelings would be different but that is not how we met. Now mind you, we did not have issues like childbirth & medical that contribute to weight gain.

He also would not have contacted me if I was overweight.

So both of our weights played into our attraction for one another.

As such, back to the original post, we both are committed to maintaining our "meeting weight" as much as possible. He kept "very quiet" about my menopause weight gain but was very vocal when the pounds came off LOL!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yes, I injured my spinal cord in my cervical area.
> 
> Thank you for the book suggestions.


Okay, the bulk of your muscle mass and strength are in the butt and legs. Leg press, glute press, belt squats, leg extensions, leg curls, belted calf raises, seated calf raises, and the "butt blaster" using the leg curl machine. All those should be on your menu. You can also do arm work and perhaps some shoulder work. Chest press, chest flyes, pulldown (I like the pullover machine, but not for neck injury folks), compound row. Deadlift is another great exercise that you will need to avoid, but you can work around that. Stay away from barbells. You want to use good machines, preferably nautilus, med-x, or hammer, if possible. Follow the training protocols in BBS: strict form, smooth turnarounds, slow momentum-free movement.

With a proper "human" diet, minus the processed seeds and refined sugars, and 1 or 2 weekly sessions on the machines you'll find you're looking as good as ever, and feeling better than ever, excepting the injury.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> So true, but attraction is subjective. Some like 'em curvy, some like 'em slim. Listen there are some actresses that can go above the range solely from the fat packing in their backside; yet that's what they are known for and some men go gaga over it.


Of course, a lot of men are attracted to fuller women. I can be as well, and my wife is a fuller woman (though she's trying to change that). 

What you mention brings up an interesting story. Back in college I took an aerobics class to help keep my weight in check after losing 70 some odd lbs; after the first couple weeks I was the only guy in there. A couple of months into the course, the instructor decided to take everybody's fat percentages and weight. 

There was this cute young woman in class. She was either Hispanic or Black. She was the classic pear shape, but to an extreme. She had a very tiny upper half, probably about a size 6 or 4 in the waste, but very full hips, and a very large ass. She was also a short woman.

When her body fat percentage came back, in conjunction with her height, and her weight, she was clinically obese. You could tell she, and a lot of the women in the class, who were far more overweight than even she, were shocked, angry, and indignant. 

Why? Because visually she didn't look anywhere near that large, and also her shape was the preference for a lot of black and Hispanic dudes. She, within those cultural guidelines, would never be considered fat. She'd probably be told not to lose that ass by a lot of dudes!

But while I was surprised that she carried her weight so well, when I really opened my eyes I could see that she was carrying so much fat on her lower half (not to mention how much she might have been carrying inside her body). No matter how good she looked to some men, even many men, and no matter how well she carried her weight, a barely 5 foot woman has no business weighing 190 something lbs.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Emerald said:


> My range at 5'6" is 38 pounds to still be considered normal weight.
> 
> I have been at the highest 153 & I was fat, no doubt about it & all in the belly - the worst fat to have. I am small boned & with a family history of heart disease, my doctor told me to lose 10-15 pounds for optimal health. This weight gain was due to menopause & if you do all the reading about menopause, it clearly states that this can be a symptom & life changes must be made.
> 
> ...


Here's a book for you:

Wheat Belly by a cardiologist named Dr. William Davis.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Ina said:


> So true, but attraction is subjective. Some like 'em curvy, some like 'em slim. Listen there are some actresses that can go above the range solely from the fat packing in their backside; yet that's what they are known for and some men go gaga over it.
> 
> Seriously though, I wonder what impact Dolly's twins had on her weight.


Even if people are attracted to overweight people, it doesn't mean that the overweight person is healthy. Lots of people are attracted to people that are unhealthy.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

When I married my husband I was 5'10" and 118lbs. I very highly doubt I'll get back down to that weight even though I'm now 5'8" after my neck injury. The only time I weigh myself is at the doctors office. I rely my weight status regarding how my clothes fit. I've been wearing the same size jeans for years, but when I'm eating poorly they are tight and when I'm on track, they are big on me. It's not easy finding good jeans that feel good these days. What I miss most was my super toned body from running. I love exercising even if its a small amount daily.

I don't exercise, eat healthy, and maintain my weight for my husband. I do this for myself and I've done this since I was 13 years old. I really took a turn towards healthy eating when I met my husband. My husband/children/family is very thrilled for my passion of cooking and making as much as possible from scratch. My goal is to use all fresh foods as well and fats very sparingly. I have an indoor garden my husband helped me start in my basement under growing lights a few weeks back. I'm building up my cookware/appliances slowly to high end/good quality these last 2 years. It helps having nice equipment.

My husband stays in shape for himself too. My life and habits has changed for reasons beyond my control. My husbands habits remain the same. It kills me inside that I no longer can run.. This was the hardest thing to overcome with my injury without becoming depressed.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Even if people are attracted to overweight people, it doesn't mean that the overweight person is healthy. Lots of people are attracted to people that are unhealthy.


Yes. My favorite cousin is a beautiful woman, who has been obese her entire life. She came in big, and just grew larger. She's easily over 400 lbs. 

She's never had a problem attracting men. And not a single one of her boyfriends has been overweight.

Many, many of them repelled against the idea that she was interested in losing weight. They didn't care about her health one iota. And to be honest, unfortunately the constant acceptance of men's approval have aided in her never losing a serious amount of weight. Constantly being enabled by men, and their attraction, has helped to make getting healthy a prospect that she can backburn.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Of course, a lot of men are attracted to fuller women. I can be as well, and my wife is a fuller woman (though she's trying to change that).
> 
> What you mention brings up an interesting story. Back in college I took an aerobics class to help keep my weight in check after losing 70 some odd lbs; after the first couple weeks I was the only guy in there. A couple of months into the course, the instructor decided to take everybody's fat percentages and weight.
> 
> ...


I took classes on nutrition and learned that people that carry fat closer to the heart (apple shape) are at a high risk for disease, but that those that carry in their lower half (pear), not so much. Again, if she is active, doctor gives her a clean bill of health, and she eats right, who are we to say that there is a problem? I also advocate for both physical and mental health. Why should she be made to feel bad bc of her body type. If her husband likes her lower half and it actual reinforces a healthy sex life, why should anyone advocate for her to conform to the standard? Should she let go of her other priorities and work like mad to get in the shape we thnk she should be in? (sometimes fighting against our genes is not very easy). It's about balance and health. Hopefully she didn't take it to close to heart and shook it off with a big booty shake


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Of course, but like I said, it's a _guideline_. We all can come up with exceptions, but MOST people who are well outside of their BMI range (or even with in it if they have a small frame but are heavier) are overweight and out of shape.
> 
> Also keeping in mind that weight isn't just an issue of health in a marriage. There is an attraction element here in this conversation.
> 
> ...



Point being 20 or 30 lbs in middle age isn't necessarily untoward. Adjusting for body size of course.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Point being 20 or 30 lbs in middle age isn't necessarily untoward. Adjusting for body size of course.


Most doctors would disagree.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> I took classes on nutrition and learned that people that carry fat closer to the heart (apple shape) are at a high risk for disease, but that those that carry in their lower half (pear), not so much. Again, if she is active, doctor gives her a clean bill of health, and she eats right, who are we to say that there is a problem? I also advocate for both physical and mental health. Why should she be made to feel bad bc of her body type. If her husband likes her lower half and it actual reinforces a healthy sex life, why should anyone advocate for her to conform to the standard? Should she let go of her other priorities and work like mad to get in the shape we thnk she should be in? (sometimes fighting against our genes is not very easy). It's about balance and health. Hopefully she didn't take it to close to heart and shook it off with a big booty shake


Sorry, no. I, nor most doctors, would agree that it's perfectly healthy for a short, small framed woman to be nearly 80 lbs overweight, no matter where she carried it. Despite how she looked, she was actually VERY out of shape, and one of the slower people in the class. It is not healthy to be walking around at almost 200 lbs when you're a petite, barely 5 foot tall woman. She was clinically obese. Of course she is free to live her life the way she feels fit. We all are.

Also the pear vs apple shape is an issue of perspective. Yes apple shapes have, in some studies, a higher chance of heart disease, but it does not meant that pear shapes are devoid of that risk. They both are at great risk of obesity related problems, one just more than the other.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

It depends. Is that one of the reasons you married your spouse? Their physical attractiveness? I think it could be important, personally, I don't care as long as he doesn't stink. Personal Hygiene is up there for me.

My top needs are...

Loyalty. Side with me no matter what, unless you're debating with me one on one. Don't team up with your mom against me.

Trust / Honesty. Don't lie to me. If my cooking sucks, let me know, so I don't make that dish again.

I -need- to feel important. If you -ever- put another girl in front of me for any reason, I'll hold a mean grudge.

If you ever check out another chick in front of me, I'll check out another dood, and I'll let you see it.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My concern with excessive weight gain would center more around the unhealthy aspects of the issue. 

Then again I am a marathon runner and very petite, so the whole laziness, over-indulgence aspect of it would likely get to me too. It would be far less about the attraction / appearance than it would be the health / laziness. I actually am more attracted to men that are not fat, but aren't completely cut either.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Something to consider, and I don't mean to push my beliefs, but good fats like butter, coconut oil or olive oil are actually good for you. I literally eat a teaspoon of coconut oil every day. I am 5' 5" and 125 lbs, currently not doing much in the way of activity. I like to follow a paleo diet, although I'm not super strict with it...but I am starting the GAPS intro (a diet that can heal your gut and help with gluten sensitivities) after the holidays as a way to help me with some other addictions. I am going to try and get my husband and our youngest son, who struggles with issues related to his cancer treatment, on it too..


Yes! Fat is wonderful. I eat a high (good) fat, moderate protein, low carb lifestyle. It's how my body feels, and functions best, and I'm in great health.

The high carb/low fat eating of the 80's played an enormous role in our current obesity issue. Of course big bread doesn't want you to know that...



Zanne said:


> I know friends who are runners and whenever an injury, none as serious as yours, sets them back it's really hard. I'm amazed at your positive attitude despite the set back.


Yes, she is an inspiration!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jaquen said:


> *The high carb/low fat eating of the 80's *played an enormous role in our current obesity issue. Of course big bread doesn't want you to know that...


That was a government project initiated by recently dec'd Sen. George McGovern to promote his state's products, wheat, corn, and soy at the expense of the beef and pork states. So long and thanks for all the disease, George.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

At risk of being a backseat moderator, could please we stop derailing this thread with diet tips and obesity statistics and focus on the OP's question Do Spouses Have the Right To Expect Each Other To Stay in Shape? *ducks for cover*


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> At risk of being a backseat moderator, could please we stop derailing this thread with diet tips and obesity statistics and focus on the OP's question Do Spouses Have the Right To Expect Each Other To Stay in Shape? *ducks for cover*


Considering that I am the OP, I have absolutely no problem with the "derailment", and find the chatter to be quite pertinent to the topic at hand.

I've seen plenty of threads veer far, far further away from the original point than what is happening here in my thread.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Considering that I am the OP, I have absolutely no problem with the "derailment", and find the chatter to be quite pertinent to the topic at hand.
> 
> I've seen plenty of threads veer far, far further away from the original point than what is happening here in my thread.


Ok, I stand corrected. Carry on...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Because that is a conversation you want to have with someone when you are dating...about weight. People hide a lot of things when dating, you don't want to show your skeletons and such if you want to win them over. Those things come out after the ring is on the finger.


Which ring is the question?

I think these are the conversations that need to happen before marriage, that doesn't mean it has to be when you are dating, but when you are engaged. When you are seriously considering spending the rest of your life with someone. If you are engaged, and still can't have this conversation - your relationship already has a problem as you can't have a topic about serious subjects.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yes I believe we have the right to demand there be an honest effort to return to a weight which we deem more attractive. I also believe we have the right to say no. There are consequences for that no.

I don't believe we have a right to demand our spouse become some muscular body builder, just fit.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> How important is physical attractiveness in marriage? If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?
> 
> If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?
> 
> ...


I haven't read the replies, but in my opinion, it's an unreasonable expectation that's right up there with expecting a partner not to age. Our bodies do go through changes that slow metabolism down as we age. Our bodies change shape when we bear children. 

If my partner confessed that he preferred heavy women and "demanded" that I gain another 200 pounds, I have no doubt that everyone would jump on the bandwagon to say he was being an a$$.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel the word "*Demanding*" is too strong...but being honest with our spouses as tactfully & heartfully as we can ....I'm all for this... 

I have found in life... when my husband has tried to SPARE my feelings, not wanting to hurt me ...it came back to HAUNT both of us... I've even caused FIGHTS over things where something was OFF - I could feel it from him, a little slipping away...and by digging... getting to the real root of what was bothering him...learning the REAL TRUTH of the matter - it was a pure breath of fresh air ...what I had playing in my mind was way worse....as the TRUTH was something "*fixable*" .....that brought us both to a more satisfying place with each other. 

But a spouse must be prepared to care how the other feels...not belittle, shame -for their feelings on this issue. 

Our *attitudes* when we bring this honesty... a willingness to help, encourage along the way... we can not miss this....but to deny how we feel ...this will only lead to a slow growing seething resentment -that can derail a marriage. 

We can try to push it down, tell ourselves we are shallow and no good......we can talk to ourselves till we're blue in the face that such things don't matter ...but at the end of the day, if this is something important to one partner.....it's not going away.....it's going to mess with our feelings & the harmony in the marriage. . 

Of course we need to be reasonable too. Me & mine don't expect a gym membership, 6 packs & all that...just keeping the weight within a desirable range... And hopefully this will ward off Diabetes, high blood pressure. But we're both thin & have high cholesterol... this is more of an issue for us - than weight ever was. 

We all have something to deal with...and get under control.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Zanne said:


> I also like to cook from scratch as well as use whole, organic ingredients if at all possible. I'm intrigued by your indoor garden! I have a huge summer garden and I'm researching ways to extend our growing season by the use of ground covers, etc. but we live in the upper mid-west so I'm still limited.
> 
> Something to consider, and I don't mean to push my beliefs, but good fats like butter, coconut oil or olive oil are actually good for you. I literally eat a teaspoon of coconut oil every day. I am 5' 5" and 125 lbs, currently not doing much in the way of activity. I like to follow a paleo diet, although I'm not super strict with it...but I am starting the GAPS intro (a diet that can heal your gut and help with gluten sensitivities) after the holidays as a way to help me with some other addictions. I am going to try and get my husband and our youngest son, who struggles with issues related to his cancer treatment, on it too.
> 
> I know friends who are runners and whenever an injury, none as serious as yours, sets them back it's really hard. I'm amazed at your positive attitude despite the set back.


We just had that big snowstorm last weekend and rain 2 days ago. I'm assuming we are not too far apart. I have extra thick plastic that I'll staple onto a frame and try to create a green house. I'll have to have it big enough not to interfere with the growing lights. This will help keep the warmth in since our basement is 10 degrees cooler then upstairs.

I physically can not do the work of canning and my husband is too busy. This is my first attempt to the indoor garden and we have plenty of room for it.

The growing lights are from starting plants indoors prior to transplanting. We save the seeds from the best vegetables, dry them, store in the fridge until the next year rather then buying new seeds yearly. It has worked out in our favor in the years past.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Somewhere not to far into the relationship my girlfriends lack of care for healthy food, proportions and lack of excersize started have it's toll on her. Low self-esteem, quickly out of breath, depression, no motivation to do stuff. Luckily she realized herself intime and turned things around the other way. Not only do we both have good stamina, we enjoy sporting together and achieving new goals. With as side-effect that you just physically look better and your self-esteem goes up. I have no clue why anyone wouldn't want to be physically in shape, barring that there's some physical reason why you can't be.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> How important is physical attractiveness in marriage? If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?


I didn't like the wording of the "Yes" option, nor do I like that this is focusing more about appearance, but in my marriage _physical health_ is very important. I don't want a marriage where my husband actively partakes in self-destructive behavior, and likewise, him with me. 



> If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?


Demand? No. I don't think "demands" should be present in any marriage. But they have a right to be concerned, and they can definitely set boundaries to try and help. But the choice to lose weight and be healthy is a personal choice.



> If one spouse lets themselves go, is it wrong for their SO to lose attraction to them?


Right or wrong, I think it's natural. 



> What's your take on this issue.


My husband and I are fans of the show The Biggest Loser. My husband has always been into fitness, and since we've been married, we've had a semi-consistent nutritional plan and exercise regimen. It's difficult to keep to it all the time, but we try. We both hold our physical health as a very important aspect of our marriage and our lives.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not everyone has a choice. You have to remember there are those with health issues and disabilities that prevent cardio exercise. I'm not overweight, but I've put on weight naturally since I stopped running. 30lbs in a year actually, which I've lost most.
> 
> I use to be a runner(6 miles a day) and was forced to quit. I only eat 2 bowls of cereal and a small dinner(sometimes a 3rd bowl) everyday. I eat under 1200 calories a day. I do exercise(stationary bike), but it's not enough to lose weight. I'm almost tempted to switch my cereal to 1/2 serving of soup and 1 toast. I still want to cut calories to under 900 daily. Food is not important to me, but I hear its very unhealthy. I don't eat a lot of the foods I cook for my family since they are higher calorie. I also cook mostly from scratch, which makes it easy to control what goes in the dish.


Eating less than 1500 calories a day is very unhealthy. The body needs at least 1500 calories per day to get the proper amount of nutrients it needs to function healthfully. 



> I don't bring up my weight insecurities to my husband. He's extremely athletic and there is no possible way I'll ever have the super toned body I did 5 years ago. I can not walk more then a couple hundred feet without a wheelchair. My doctor has mentioned I may be in a full time wheelchair in the next 10 years.. I will avoid that at all costs.
> 
> My husband finds me attractive at every weight I've been. I gained 100lbs with each child, but lost it right away. I work as hard as I can to stay thin, but it's always not easy. I am a woman after all and I do crave chocolate every once in a while.
> 
> ...


I've heard that the bike is a great way to build muscle and burn calories.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I gain weight if I eat over 1200 calories. I keep track on Myfitnesspal. I keep the carbs/sugars down as well and eliminate refined sugars. I rest a very good portion of the day.

I need to discuss this with my doctor to see what the best plan is for eating. Maybe meeting up with a nutritionist would benefit me. I like fresh foods, especially fruits and vegetables home grown.

I can not walk far or move my upper half of body to often, especially my arms. Using too many neck muscles with 2 herniated discs has its consequences. With the bike, I sit straight up not moving my upper half of body. My shoulders are plagued with 24/7 muscle spasms.:/. Hubby had to push me in a wheelchair over the weekend Christmas shopping. I prayed I didn't run into anyone I knew. I'm very embarrassed about it.

I figure since I live a life mostly resting, eating under 1200 calories will not hurt too badly. I lost 20 pounds in a year by doing so. I take supplements like omegas, vitamins, antioxidants and minerals.

I'd give anything to run my 6 mile runs. Unfortunately biking and housework are my only exercises I can handle. I do push myself often to do other things, but there's a big price to pay of unbearable pain.

Our bodies are designed to move rather then to stay still. As long as I possibly can, I'll try my best to remain thin. My metabolism is on the slower side. Both my husband and I do this for our own goals.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> I didn't like the wording of the "Yes" option, nor do I like that this is focusing more about appearance, but in my marriage _physical health_ is very important. I don't want a marriage where my husband actively partakes in self-destructive behavior, and likewise, him with me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


While the health aspect is fine, attraction is the current issue. Health will be an issue down the road so long term yes it is an issue. But it is imporatant for somone to try and be attractive for their spouse along the way . Demand it, no. But each person should do what they can for the other. Otherwise one spouse is going to be trying to get into shape and look hot for other people as the goal.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I find being healthy is very attractive.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I find being healthy is very attractive.


True, and overweight isn't healthy.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

gbrad said:


> While the health aspect is fine, attraction is the current issue. Health will be an issue down the road so long term yes it is an issue. But it is imporatant for somone to try and be attractive for their spouse along the way . Demand it, no. But each person should do what they can for the other. Otherwise one spouse is going to be trying to get into shape and look hot for other people as the goal.


I never said attractiveness _wasn't_ an issue. For some people the attractiveness is highly important. To me, though, the real issue is being healthy. Someone can be highly attractive and be pursuing an unhealthy lifestyle. That's why, for me and my husband, our emphasis is on health; exercise and nutrition.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> How important is physical attractiveness in marriage? If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?
> 
> If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?
> 
> ...


I would see it as my _duty_ rather than my_ right_ to nudge my partner in the direction of a healthier lifestyle. I would hope that he would do the same with me. It's part of loving and caring about someone.

I don't think I'd lose attraction for my partner if he got out of shape (I'm in love with his mind and who he is as much as his body), but I would certainly be concerned as to the reasons why he had, and help him address the issue.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Agree that I don't think DEMANDING each other to do anything would turn out well. But voicing your concerns, definitely. Boyfriend has sometimes not told me the entire truth so he wouldn't hurt me (nothing serious, though), but all that did was cause arguments.

Anyway, I haven't been super healthy my whole life...suffer from pretty severe allergies and my skin breaks out often, so I do my best to keep myself looking as good as I can. I'm also a physical therapist, so I'm very big into fitness and exercise, and keeping yourself mobile as often as possible.

I would hope that I can be with a man who feels the same way, and take care of himself, true health issues nonwithstanding. 

My boyfriend and I will be the first to point out to each other if we think the other is getting a bit chubby  We just expect each other to be not overweight. 

After all, if you don't have your health, nothing else matters.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I have been going thru this the past year. My wife is 5'2" and weighs 193 lbs. The other night I got really disgusted seeing her go thru a bag of chips while we watched tv. I told her that she needs to look out for her weight and overall health. She has started going back to the gym but once the newness wears off will she quit. She is always tired and having sex with her isn't as appealing as it used to be. She was really cute when we first met but i look at her and just dont see that girl anymore.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> How important is physical attractiveness in marriage? If you married a spouse at a certain weight, or fitness level, do you have the right to expect them to stay in similar physical shape throughout the marriage?
> 
> If a spouse chooses to gain lots of weight, or get wildly out of shape, does the other spouse have the right to demand that eating habits are changed, and exercise is undertaken?
> 
> ...


I did not marry my husband purely based on looks and the weight gain would not bother me in terms of his looks, but would bother me in terms of his health. 

I want my husband to be healthy and around for many, many years to come. That means he needs to eat healthy and stay in shape. This is not to look "hot", but to make sure he won't have a heart attack, diabetes, or other negative health effects from a bad diet and little or no exercise. 

I will love my husband no matter what he looks like. If he lost a leg, it would not bother me. He is still the same man I married, just physically different. I just want him to be healthy.


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