# Another Year Gone by -- An Update



## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Posted before about a year ago -- if you know how to link past threads, you're smarter than I am.

Summary -- Met H in high school. Liked him a lot and had fun together but never been truly in love with him. He was totally in love with me. I married him for security and because not knowing what my future would be scared me. I had untreated anxiety and depression issues then (treated now).

He totally took care of me -- I was looking for another parent, not a husband. Kids wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him (post-partum depression). H has always taken care of what needs to be done without complaint -- just does it. Likes to feel needed. I was very immature throughout most of our marriage -- he put everything into it and I put in half of what he did. Stayed together because we were both involved with the kids and things were still fairly good between us.

About 5 yrs ago I told him that I married him for wrong reasons & that I never truly was in love w/him. Said I felt that I just wanted to be alone (kids grown and gone). Very hard conversation to have, but I wanted to be honest. He asked me to stay. Next day he acted like nothing had happened.

Have had several similar conversations since but never seem to get anywhere. Always wants me to stay but then doesn't ever talk about it.

Now: We are about as disconnected as you can get. Still married but live separate lives. When we are together the silence/attempts at conversation are awkward. He usually works out in the garage or finds somewhere to go if I'm home. He hasn't worn his wedding ring for at least 20 years (says he can't at work, but there are other occasions), so a couple years ago I took mine off too. 

No sex in 5 years -- no cuddling, hand-holding, nothing. I sleep on the couch. Once a year or so ago I tried to get in bed w/him and he said "I don't think that's a good idea." At a wedding last summer I took his hand & he said I should concentrate on walking in my heels & let go. If I ask for a hug it's very forced. Yet he acts like things are just fine. No unnecessary calls, texts, e-mails, etc. 

He has always had many women friends and he does things with them regularly. Once he said he had romantic feelings for one (she is my friend too) but I don't think he ever acted on them. He has always gotten along with women better than with men.

In all other activities he shows the enthusiasm & enjoyment he used to have with me. As soon as we're alone, he reverts to silent mode -- if we talk it's administrative (did you pay the car insurance).

Obviously he deals with what I said by leaving me alone, not talking about it, and making his own life. To me this is a marriage on paper only. There is no intimacy of any kind. I used to feel like I was a special person to him -- now I feel like an obligation. 

I know I said something that really hurt him, so it's my fault, but is there any way of healing?

Thank you.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I forgot to add that in the last year and a half I've gained a lot of weight using food as love. I said something about feeling fat and ugly and he said "Well, you're not ugly." I see other fat women with men that love them, so does he hate me because of the weight gain?


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Sorry one more thing -- all I think about is whether I should stay or go. I really want to decide -- feel like a hamster in a wheel!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

HiMaint57 said:


> *About 5 yrs ago I told him that I married him for wrong reasons & that I never truly was in love w/him. Said I felt that I just wanted to be alone (kids grown and gone).*


This conversation probably killed it for him.

If you wanted out, you should have left.

Since you haven't left, your H has tons of resentment built up, because he thinks you are staying for financial reasons only. You aren't in it for love and devotion, like a wife should be. He feels like a tool.

Men don't like to feel like tools.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe he figures he doesn't have any better options or that a divorce will mean him living in a crappy one bedroom apartment. Send him in here, and we'll straighten him out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Three Strikes -- I guess you're right. I should have left, but he said he didn't want me to, and so I stayed. 

I guess I shouldn't have brought up the subject at all, and everything would be fine.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

PBear -- no, I would leave and he would keep the house. I've told him that. There is no way I would make him leave.

A little history -- he grew up in a physically abusive home (his father abused him and his brothers). Always lots of yelling. He has never been abusive in any way to me or the kids, but he doesn't like conflict.

Me -- I grew up in a silent home. My mom would go quiet for days at a time and then snap out of it. I love silence when I'm alone but can't stand it when there's another person around.

Just threw that in FYI.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, maybe he figures an empty relationship is better than an empty house. Who knows. It doesn't sound like love is a factor. 

So what's keeping you there in the empty relationship? How do you expect to "heal" a relationship that never actually existed? Have you considered starting individual counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you wanted out, then you should have left. He is clearly too insecure to go along with it. You dont need your partner's permission to get a divorce. Its been five years, obviously he isnt going to do counseling, or any other work required to make things right, I'm sure he figures "why bother"? He can see you are already gone in your head and your heart.

You need to leave.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I guess I don't really understand this then. You never loved your husband, stayed with him for security reasons/afraid to live your life, had kids and raised them. You finally fessed up and told him that you never loved him. 

Now you are wondering why he's basically not into you anymore??? Right now your husband probably feels like you stole 20+ years of his life by living a lie. How can he ever get those years back? 

So why are you trying to get love and affection from your husband now?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to decide what you want to do, then make a plan to achieve that objective. If you still love him and want to make it work, then set up counseling for you two. Confront him with alternatives and he can decide if he is willing to try. If he doesn't want to try or if you are just going through the motion, then get legal representation and get on with your life.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Any possibility that he's gay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You said you never loved your husband. He looked after you. You tolerated him. 

After all these years he has come to accept that you never loved him.

If you now changed your mind, after decades of apathy on your part, and want that to change, then you must work on yourself. Perhaps start by limiting your food intake and start to workout along with muscle training to get in shape. Perhaps a better figure of you could get him interested again?


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

The thing that is missing is what do you want? Do you want to leave? Do you want to stay? There are programs either way but until you make that basic decision you will go nowhere. Also if you want gel you have to post this is a dialogue that's how we can help you.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

20 years is a long time. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Silence is the worst. I know b/c we either fight or avoid each other/live in silence. It's been this way in my marriage for about 3 years, but I never really loved my H either. I don't think he really loved me. 

Now that the kids are gone, you are scared. You don't know how to define yourself. 

This is a scary time. I'm in the middle of it and can't find the courage to act. Keep hoping something will be different when I know it won't be. 

I hope you can move on. I hope I can. All the best to you.


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