# what now?



## dka (Jan 23, 2011)

12 years ago I began a relationship with a young man who had been my friend for a few years. We were very young and our relationship was based primarily on us being friends. I was not physically attracted to him, however, I assumed that would grow over time because he is a kind man and he loved me very much. I was looking for stability and security and he offered both. When I was 19 we got married and have been married for 10 and a half years now. We have 2 fantastic kids and we see eye to eye on parenting, which is such a blessing. Our problems have been present for our entire marriage but I think when our kids were babies it was easier to ignore, as we were very busy with their care. On the occasions that our relationship has been in trouble in the past, I never connected the lack of physical attraction to any of the other problems. I was viewing each issue at face value and choosing to not look deeper. Some of our major issues were: sexual incompatibility leading to my not being able to climax for 10 years, my choosing to lead a separate social life due to a lack of desire to be in social situations with him, and his feeling left out as I carried on a very independent life. 2 years ago we decided that it was time for me to go back to school, which was always the plan because we had our children so young. We moved to a new town and he was unable to get a transfer nearby so we embarked on a new living situation that involved him living away over half the time. The kids and I thrived while he began to feel more and more distant from me. Finally after 6 months our relationship really began to suffer. Instead of dealing with this silent problem we began to fight, this lead to my avoiding situations that would put us in a situation to fight. It finally came to a tear-filled head and we began counseling. We went to therapy together and separately and over time I came to tell him that I had lacked the element of attraction from the beginning. We continued on through all of the hurt and grief and after many months decided that it was in our kids best interest for us to give it our best try. This lead to us buying a house in the town that we had been living in for a year and during the house buying process we were able to focus on the excitement of that situation and ignore our unresolved issues. One month after moving into our new home the same problems all resurfaced. We have now spent the past 6 months living separate lives and treating each other like roommates. Although there these past months have been filled with anxiety and sorrow, the confusing part is that we are actually getting along so much better in this new situation and we have reached a new level of honesty with each other and ourselves. We are considering taking our already separated life to the next level, by telling our families. Some of the trouble we are having though seems to be that as we go through the grieving process we get to the bargaining stage and we at times try to convince one another and ourselves that we could make it work as is, even though we have not been able to do that in the past and we have not actually solved any of our issues. We are afraid that if we continue to try and add hurt and resentment each time that eventually we will not be able to be the great co-parents that we are now. I used to think that staying together for the kids was always best but now I see that it is possible that parents can be better parents if they are not spending the majority of their time fighting or crying. We even went on a great family holiday a few weeks ago that we all enjoyed. I was just hoping that someone else has maybe been there. Thanks

I guess I could have added that another issue has been honesty. My husband chose to lie to me about how many partners he had prior to being with me. After 10 years together he confessed that I was the first person he was ever with and so the stories he had told me were all lies. There were other issues with him being untruthful and he did go to therapy to work on becoming a more honest person. However, I have had hard time trusting him.

I would love to hear in anyone has some insight to offer


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Physical attraction does not always remain after marriage especially after the ageing process does a number on us. Sorry to hear this was a problem you you in the beginning. I believe that this is an issue that can be solved and you will be able to be physically attracted to him. I am sure he has some fixing to do himself so don't blame it all on you.

I suggest you do find solutions to your attraction issues through educating yourself about physical attraction in a marriage; i.e. books, online search, etc. Try a romatic weekend getaway with some marriage consuling mixed in. 

I think if you work on adding some romance and intimacy to your marriage you will see a big difference.


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