# I miss my best friend



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's been 2 months since we separated. For me... it's better for me to cut him out of my life completely, because when I talk to him I get emotional and I get my hopes up that he will change his mind and I end up hurting myself more. So I told him I don't want anything to do with him unless he wants to make the marriage work, and I told him not to talk to me unless it's about the divorce. It's been 2 weeks since we have talked. He reaches out and texts me but I don't respond. He misses our friendship and wants to be friends and I am not strong enough for that.... but also he doesn't deserve to have me as a friend. 

I'm doing ok.... but I miss my best friend. I miss the person who knows me and my family better than anyone I know. At night it's especially hard. I know time will ease the hurt.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I'm sorry it hurts. I feel the same but my ex & I don't talk anymore.

It seems he still cares about you and has a place in his heart for you, but not at the capacity that you as a wife deserve.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> It's been 2 months since we separated. For me... it's better for me to cut him out of my life completely, because when I talk to him I get emotional and I get my hopes up that he will change his mind and I end up hurting myself more. So I told him I don't want anything to do with him unless he wants to make the marriage work, and I told him not to talk to me unless it's about the divorce. It's been 2 weeks since we have talked. He reaches out and texts me but I don't respond. He misses our friendship and wants to be friends and I am not strong enough for that.... but also he doesn't deserve to have me as a friend.
> 
> I'm doing ok.... but I miss my best friend. I miss the person who knows me and my family better than anyone I know. At night it's especially hard. I know time will ease the hurt.


You have to ask yourself how long has it been since he acted like your best friend.You have been posting on tam a long while about about your relationship difficulties.You are remembering the good times,seeing things through rose tinted glasses as it were but those good times were thin on the ground in the last few months.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I know he loves and cares about me. And that's what's annoying. He still tells me he loves me and misses me. Yet... he is set that the marriage won't work. He always told me that this was too painful and he doesn't see how it will work, and he thinks things may get better but he doesn't want to go through this again in 3 years. And this whole thing makes me sooo mad. Bc of course I think it can work, but I can't convince him that, and frankly I shouldn't have to convince my husband to be a husband. He tells me he is too hurt and scared to try. Which makes this whole thing hard because I know the love is still there.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I feel like... I know he will regret this decision. And it's hard Bc there is nothing I can do.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He's like..: well we will still be friends and we can talk and I can have her in my life and I'll be fine. But he doesn't understand that he can't be in my life if he's not my husband. And he thinks I'm being cruel and mean.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I know he loves and cares about me. And that's what's annoying. He still tells me he loves me and misses me. Yet... he is set that the marriage won't work. He always told me that this was too painful and he doesn't see how it will work, and he thinks things may get better but he doesn't want to go through this again in 3 years. And this whole thing makes me sooo mad. Bc of course I think it can work, but I can't convince him that, and frankly I shouldn't have to convince my husband to be a husband. He tells me he is too hurt and scared to try. Which makes this whole thing hard because I know the love is still there.


Omg my husband said the exact same thing...! When we were still in touch (it's on-off contact), he told me he will always care about me and he will hurt whoever who dares to hurt me... I will always be his first true love, he misses me but the damage is done. He says it can't work out even if things change. He just wishes "things were better."

To your husband too, pffftt. All bull**** I think. I think they do miss the good times and that's all. But they don't miss us enough to want to come back. It sucks. If you wanted to be with someone truly, nothing would stop you from trying. 

I think reaching out to you helps him with his guilt. He is trying to make himself feel better about his decision if he can show you he still cares. Or he's still too attached to let you go as a friend. Ultimately, he's not trying to get back with you now and that's all that should matter.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Omg my husband said the exact same thing...! When we were still in touch (it's on-off contact), he told me he will always care about me and he will hurt whoever who dares to hurt me... I will always be his first true love, he misses me but the damage is done. He says it can't work out even if things change. He just wishes "things were better."
> 
> To your husband too, pffftt. All bull**** I think. I think they do miss the good times and that's all. But they don't miss us enough to want to come back. It sucks. If you wanted to be with someone truly, nothing would stop you from trying.
> 
> I think reaching out to you helps him with his guilt. He is trying to make himself feel better about his decision if he can show you he still cares. Or he's still too attached to let you go as a friend. Ultimately, he's not trying to get back with you now and that's all that should matter.




I agree. I am letting him manipulate me and my emotions again. Thanks for waking me back up to reality.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I will never make him feel ok about his decision. He is wrong and he knows it. He knows it, his family and my family know it, and God knows it. He doesn't deserve to be lifted of that guilt. Unfortunately I will probably end up with more emotional issues that I will have to work to get over but it is what it is. Life isn't fair that's for sure. 
The annoying thing is... he will never file. He will wait for me to do it Bc it will make him feel better if I do it. Also he can tell people that it was me who filed... poor him.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Does he have other reasons for not filing? Strange... my husband isn't filing either as our marriage was registered in MY country, including all the documents hah.

Being first to file has an advantage. Have you thought about when you are going to? Maybe then his attitude and behaviour might see some change.

How have you been emotionally? Taking care of yourself?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I will never make him feel ok about his decision. He is wrong and he knows it. He knows it, his family and my family know it, and God knows it. He doesn't deserve to be lifted of that guilt. Unfortunately I will probably end up with more emotional issues that I will have to work to get over but it is what it is. Life isn't fair that's for sure.
> The annoying thing is... he will never file. He will wait for me to do it Bc it will make him feel better if I do it. Also he can tell people that it was me who filed... poor him.


I may be wrong here but if I remember correctly you and he were high school sweethearts,both born again christians and waited until marriage before having sex.He then had a complete personality change,started verbally abusing you,had limited contact with his family and lost his religious beliefs.This is a symptom of the narcissism of the male surgeon,he believes he is right in everything he says and does and trying to convince him otherwise is an exercise in futility.
You are still in love with the man you spent your teens and early twenties with but he doesn't exist anymore,he has being replaced by this doppelgänger and unless you want to accept this imposter your choices are limited.


----------



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Yeah my husband is doing similar. And I too feel horrible when I interact with him while he feels more relieved. He's trying to ease the guilt and fill that empty space where you used to reside in his life in any way he can. One thing about TAM is being on here for a little while makes me realize nothing I'm going through is unique no matter how personal it is to me. It really takes the unicorn sparkles off my wayward spouse and helps me recognize patterns instead of being duped.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Being first to file has an advantage. Have you thought about when you are going to? Maybe then his attitude and behaviour might see some change.
> 
> How have you been emotionally? Taking care of yourself?



I'm trying to take it one day at a time right now. I start my new job soon and once I get settled at my job I'll hire a lawyer and see what they say. My mom and dad don't want me to file, they tell me to wait till Christmas because they think he will come to his senses. I don't think this is true. I'll see what the lawyer eventually says. 

Emotionally I am just ok. I do good during the day, but at night I get sad. I still dream about him and that makes me cry. Today it's that time of the month so I'm getting emotional and vulnerable. I'm hoping once I start working it will help distract me.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I may be wrong here but if I remember correctly you and he were high school sweethearts,both born again christians and waited until marriage before having sex.He then had a complete personality change,started verbally abusing you,had limited contact with his family and lost his religious beliefs.This is a symptom of the narcissism of the male surgeon,he believes he is right in everything he says and does and trying to convince him otherwise is an exercise in futility.
> 
> You are still in love with the man you spent your teens and early twenties with but he doesn't exist anymore,he has being replaced by this doppelgänger and unless you want to accept this imposter your choices are limited.




It was emotional abuse not verbal. But I still feel like I love him even if I don't.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have to wonder if he truly cares about you or is just absolving himself of guilt? Think about it, he knows you still love him and want to be married but he plays the "lets be friends card" telling you that the marriage will never work. So why is he torturing you? Why put you thru that emotional wringer if he cares about you? Why hurt you intentionally? 

You know the answer, the narcissist in him can never take the blame, can never face the guilt, can never be the losing side. He will make you suffer as long as he can appear to be the big man who can look past all the marriage problems and still be friends with the ex. 

It's OK to miss the guy you fell in love with, but don't waste a second missing the guy he turned into.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Everyone goes for the Narcissist card when explaining this STBXH's behavior.

Without meeting the man and interviewing him I would label him [merely] Cold and Cerebral.

He is a driven man and stands in his own light. He comes across as an unbending Individualist.

The troubles of other people are not interesting to him. He sees the intellectual and sensible side of things perfectly well. He does not see or feel the emotional side, especially when turmoil is involved.

He is not interested in anyone Else's opinion if if does not further his own needs. 

Abstract knowledge for it's own sake is of no importance to him.

Katie is a loving and emotional women. She has no useful value to this man. 
She needs to change herself to meet his needs. 

He wants a women to "there" when he needs her. 
When he needs sex.
When he needs to be fed.
When he needs someone to manage the house and outside activities. 
When he needs a breeder, to have and raise his children.
When he needs an attractive women to take his arm. 

But, she needs to have her "own" life, not be needy. Not interfere with his life, to drop what she is doing... to take care of his needs. 
She needs to live for him....he lives for himself.

She married a Man-a-kin. 
She needs a loving man. To have and to hold.

She still loves him.

Why? 
She has a big heart.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

The curse of having a big heart.


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

I get these same statements from My STBXW all the time. It sounds that we both know that the issues we had with our spouses could be overcome if our spouse would see things with the clarity we see these issue. I'm sure some of this clarity is not accurate represented to us, because we are hurt(rose tinted glasses). However, in my STBXW's case her a rose tinted glasses are affected by an outside source. The reason she left, the reason she stayed gone and the reason she tells me the exact same things that you hear from your husband. 

It frustrated me when she told me that she would not live a lie with me. I was frustrated until God or whatever it is out there showed me that she had traded in our "lie of a marriage" for a bigger lie. When I was showing this I knew I was being told to get out before her world came crashing down, because I needed to be scarce in that time and away from the destruction coming. And so I decided to stay out. I didn't give up Hope. I'll never give up on Hope. But I gave up on Trying to be more than she wanted from me. 

But she still tries to throw me some scraps here and there by texting me about an old friend from our past who overcame a challenge and has found some success in their life. But I don't respond to that stuff. It's emotionally exhausting to get the text and it's even more exhausting to respond. We(you and I) are not so low that we deserve only the leftovers from the doggy bag (aka "we will always be fiends", etc.). Refuse the scraps of a selfish gesture only made to ease his guilt. 

I know it's hard. And I know this is hard to believe. But it will get better. I Really Does Get Better! Eventually I realized that being away from her was good for me and not because of my own selfish reasons. Because I knew it was really good for me to be gone. I think you will figure that out as well. It takes time. But when you get it, you'll know in a fraction of a moment why. 

Hang In There!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## CantTakeAnymore (Aug 22, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I know he loves and cares about me. And that's what's annoying. He still tells me he loves me and misses me. Yet... he is set that the marriage won't work. He always told me that this was too painful and he doesn't see how it will work, and he thinks things may get better but he doesn't want to go through this again in 3 years. And this whole thing makes me sooo mad. Bc of course I think it can work, but I can't convince him that, and frankly I shouldn't have to convince my husband to be a husband. He tells me he is too hurt and scared to try. Which makes this whole thing hard because I know the love is still there.


I don't know your back story but my husband was saying the exact same things. Turns out he had another woman on the side. The rest was just his "easy" way to let me out without me finding out. I'm now a month into separation. Finding out about her actually made it easier for me to disconnect from him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell him to knock that crap off. He has no right texting you in that way to try and ease his damn guilt. I dont know why you arent pissed as hell at this point. Maybe its time to block his number. Go file for divorce, stop letting your parents hold you back, hoping he'll change his mind. Shame on them for not wanting better for their daughter! You've had a good amount of time to wallow, time to pull up your big girl panties and get this thing done.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

CantTakeAnymore said:


> I don't know your back story but my husband was saying the exact same things. Turns out he had another woman on the side. The rest was just his "easy" way to let me out without me finding out. I'm now a month into separation. Finding out about her actually made it easier for me to disconnect from him.




I'm pretty sure my husband is cheating on me too and has been. Rationally speaking I know he's a jerk, I know I deserve better, I know I will be unhappy being with him how he is now... but for some reason it's just hard for me to accept the truth. Maybe Bc we had a great marriage for 4 years and I keep thinking back to the good times. I wish I was more of a rational thinker than emotional.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

You poor thing... hang in there sweetie.

I am the EXACT same. He treated me so well like a princess throughout the marriage & relationship, while I took him for granted. I had the best memories with him, it was some crazy amazing movie/romance novel sh*t, as well as safe and homely. 

More often, the person's true character comes out when the relationship is over. In my case, I believe he "loved" me but not with the depth that he led me to believe, since he tossed me aside like yesterday's newspaper. When the relationship was fun and positive then he "loved" me, & once the sex, affection, attention reduced during pregnancy/after birth, he grew distant and conveniently stopped "loving" me.

I think many spouses go into marriage forgetting the hard work & commitment needed to sustain it, also forgetting the vows they took "for better or for worse". Unconditional love is often a myth. 

Now, my marriage was only 7 months before he left. I can't imagine what you must be going through after what seemed like a genuinely happy 4 year marriage. What I can tell you is that many men would feel so lucky to be with a pure loving soul like yourself and love you the way you deserve.

I thought I would never get over it, & while I still haven't, I have definitely started detaching. And the only way to get there is TIME. Crying it out helps but always try to look forward regardless. It helped me being rejected again and again until it finally dawned on me "What the heck am I doing?!". You will soon grow tired of loving someone so heartless and cold and actually see him for the man he is. Baby steps, try planning an activity you enjoy on a weekly basis to have something to look forward to. I believe you will get there.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

You are not alone in your struggles. I am separated for 3 months now. I miss my best friend but NC has allowed me to see he hasn't been a good friend. Maybe never. It's easy to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt to your husband. It's easy to assume they care like we care. What have they really done to deserve such devotion? 

Its awful to want comfort from the person who hurts you.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its always best to have a clean break if the marriage is over. The more contact you have the harder it will be to heal and move on. If you have no children there is no need to have any contact with him, and if you do divorce him all contact can be through the solicitors.


----------

