# Keep Getting Reminded-Destroying My Mind



## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker a year ago. He never owned up to it, kept calling it "just a friendship", but the proof was in the flirty text messages, receipts for gifts and constant defense of her and their "friendship". He confessed to a mutual friend he knew what he did was wrong and nothing physical happened, but he never expressed those sentiments to me. To this day, he will deny it happened and tries blow me off by saying he doesn't know what I'm talking about. So frustrating.

Since it ended, he has been very attentive. Flowers, open dialogue about his feelings for me, helping around the house, etc. Though I know he'll never tell the truth about the EA, I know he's been trying to repair the marriage in his own way. Needless to say, my trust in him has still never been fully repaired, but I've been trying to go on thinking things were better now.

Then I ran into some coworkers at his new job. I heard one woman say under her breath (as my back was turned) "Oh, you're his wife? I feel sorry for you" and another woman answered her back "Yeah, I know, right?" WTF does all that mean? Is there something I should know? 

Also found a recent text to the OW. It was strictly business except for the first lines where he seemed hurt that she had forgotten about him. Sent her a "crying" emoticon, then moved on with the business aspect of the conversation. Really?! He's upset she moved on? And he never sends emoticons to me or anyone else in texts, only in this and past texts to her.

Just this week he had a boys' night out and went to a strip club that is known for allowing touching. I was upset about it but he acted liked it was no big deal and I should trust him. He said he would never touch because it would be "gross". Uh mmm, right.... Oh, and by the way, it's okay if I want to go to a strip club too because he has total trust in me and our relationship. Well, of course he does - I wasn't the one who had the emotional affair.

I keep getting my trust ripped away, but told it is my own fault for being a crazy, jealous wife. I know I'm crazy and jealous now, and every little thing drives me nuts even when it really shouldn't in some cases. Am I supposed to be over this stuff? Have I lost my mind and looking for things now that aren't really there? Where am I supposed to be now after all this?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Crazy jealous is when you would scream at him for simply phoning his mother or sister.
What you are experiencing is normal.
In relation to his actions, what are you prepared to put up with?
I think you may need to take a no bulls*** approach and slap him with an ultimatum. You need to let him know how YOU feel and that if he is not prepared to help you meet those needs you need to question the validity of the relationship (although I think he has a serious boundary issue anyway).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the two of you share a computer at home?


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Well, he says he only went to the club because all the other guys were going and he didn't want to be left alone. Feeling like I'm back on the crazy train. 

He knows I can't leave him very easily. I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years while he's been the breadwinner, so it would be difficult to find a job (who's going to hire me when so many others are applying with more credentials?). I also worry about the emotional and financial impact on our kids who are very young. So, basically, he knows he can have his cake and eat it too.

Really feeling defeated and stuck, insane because I want to trust him now but can't fully and have no proof of him doing anything wrong either, tired of being needy and jealous. He has the upper hand and I'm very alone. Am I destroying our relationship with my insecurities? Heck, who wants a wife who can't even let you enjoy a night out without drama, whether at a strip club or not? He make me feel like I should apologize to him for these things. Where is there room for ultimatums if he and I both know that I'm pretty tied in, whether either of us like it or not.

EleGirl, we do not share a computer.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Temped to say to him, well, f* it, go ahead. One of us deserves a life. Go ahead, do what you're going to do anyway, but don't expect anything from me. I'll take care of the house and kids, you take care of the financial and we'll call it even for now. Be a player, but don't play with me when you come home.

I've got to do what's best for my kids until they are grown and out. Then I'll get a life back.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

inali10 said:


> Temped to say to him, well, f* it, go ahead. One of us deserves a life. Go ahead, do what you're going to do anyway, but don't expect anything from me. I'll take care of the house and kids, you take care of the financial and we'll call it even for now. Be a player, but don't play with me when you come home.
> 
> I've got to do what's best for my kids until they are grown and out. Then I'll get a life back.


It may sound harsh but I have zero pity for you. You will get what you settle for. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

He knows I can't leave him very easily. I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years while he's been the breadwinner, so it would be difficult to find a job (who's going to hire me when so many others are applying with more credentials?). I also worry about the emotional and financial impact on our kids who are very young. So, basically, he knows he can have his cake and eat it too.

And he'll call the shots for as long as you allow it.
You seem to lack confidence, and this is something you need to work on. You OWN your life, not him. He knows he has control and you need to take stock of yourself and reclaim your life back. You owe him nothing, and you don't need his permission to get on with life.
Until you have the strength and courage (because that's what it takes) to move on without him, you are allowing his behaviour.
This approach from you will slowly eat away at you and destroy any self esteem you have left - if any. It will destroy you from the inside.
Until YOU stop it.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

And how exactly am I supposed to stop it? I can't even afford a hotel room for myself and the kids if I leave. I'm supposed to go homeless with small children?

I would rather work within the marriage just so I don't have to put my kids through that. Me, I don't care so much about anymore. He wins - destroy me all you want, but I'm not putting my kids on the street for it. By god, at least I'll make sure they are taken care of.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

With he comment unttered by the co-worker one would have to think your husband is doing something. Is this a different workplace from where the other women and he worked? You really have two choices, sit down and talk to him, tell him what the woman said after turning her back and see what his reaction is, keep your eyes on his face and eyes for reactions, make him explain it fully. If he denies that anything is going on, start going to meet him for lunch and arrive early, see if that makes him nervous. I guess there is three things, get a VAR and put it in the car.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

This is a different workplace than the one where he had the emotional affair. I sooo have him tracked already. That's how I knew he went to the strip club.

He never denied that, just doesn't care that he did it, doesn't care that it bothered me and doesn't care if I go to one. I'm sure I'll also get yet another lecture about how I should trust him and how I should quit being a crazed, jealous wife - that I'm the one ruining the marriage with drama. So easy for him to make those lectures when he knows I'm faithfully sitting at home 24/7 babysitting our kids. His schedule leaves little or no time for me to have a night out, much less a girls' weekend away. I've had one girls' night out in 5 years. No so great for me retaining any friends to even be able to go out. Yes, I know where he most of the time. Usually it is legit, but his schedule is so full, there's no room for anyone else to have a life. He knows he has nothing to worry about from me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You will stay stuck as long as you let yourself stay stuck. There are options. You should explore those options. Maybe if he sees that you're in the process of 'unstucking' yourself, he'll smarten up.

BTW, he's a selfish prig. You deserve much better.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Believe me, CandieGirl, I know just how selfish he is.

Any options where I can still protect my kids? Bcs another SAHM mom I know tried to divorce her cheating husband, got a job and tried saving money to leave. Daycare while she was working ended up being so expensive that there was nothing left to save. She had to call off the divorce, even though she didn't really want to. She found out very quickly that even with a job and the meager child support the courts allowed her that she couldn't afford their current house or even an apartment. Our state's courts don't care what her husband did to her, he could continue fairly well off while she and the children would become desolate. She was and still is stuck, just like me.

Not at all trying to be sarcastic to your response. I hope it didn't read like that bcs I would love to have some ideas of becoming "unstuck".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this is what we call rugsweeping

you cannot have a healing R while the WS continues to gaslight and rugsweep

I highly recommend you read the chart in the newbie link in my signature of the difference between rugweeping and true remorse

without true remorse you cannot heal and the marriage will die


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Do you have any family members that can help? Any women's organizations? Start digging! It won't be easy.

When I was 23 years old, I kicked out my then boyfriend, father of our 2 small kids. I had no job and no clue what I would do, but having him gone out of my life was the best move I ever made. Life was a struggle, but I managed to re-educate myself, get a decent job and move forward. I just celebrated the 18th anniversary of that life altering day this past January!


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

I will look. Glad to hear a success story after the horror stories I've heard from divorced, or trying to be divorced, moms.

His family is close by, mine is not. His family is the only close family my kids have. I'm scared to also have that part of the kids life ripped from them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sometimes, you have to think of yourself in life...your kids will survive. Is going to your family even an option, even thought they are far away?


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

It is, but the schools in the area are bad. Not just bad, awful. We're talking gangs in the area, drop-outs, etc. Don't want to get the kids around that at all.

My family thought they were moving into a good, middle-class neighborhood. But the economy bottomed out and their neighborhood took a complete nosedive.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How would the women you heard know about his EA with someone at his previous employer? Are you sure they were talking about you? Could something new have started up?

Get a job, think long term security at least.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Almostrecovered, I read your newbie post and it explains so much. We went through the Hysterical Bonding phase and I thought it was our stepping stone to R, but not still not finding any real remorse. When NC was implemented, I had my husband unfriend the OW on FB, but a few months later he re-friended her when things calmed down between us. He still doesn't know that I know this. Of course, I don't think he's continued contact or he wouldn't be upset on the recent text msg that she "forgot" him. Such contradictions - he's not contacting her except one business contact in over a year but he still has her as a friend on FB? What's that all about?

He keeps trying at home and talks/makes plans like we'll be together forever, but then pulls crap like the strip club. Another contradiction. 

I keep hearing - leave him, leave him. And I'm not taking that off the table, but really in your opinion am I just fooling myself? Also, heard advice from others outside TAM, that I should drop the strip club thing bcs it's not really a big deal, that I should be more confident in our relationship and show him I trust him. After all, it was only that one time with the guys. But the EA destroyed my trust, so even the most benign things look suspicious now.

So, so confused.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

chapparal, the women at the new job do not know about the EA. This was a comment they just said out of the blue. I know it was about me bcs it was said right after they met me and I literally just turned around to be introduced to someone else in the office. Suspicious, non? Makes me think either something else is going on or could just be he's an a*hole in the office. Who knows what that meant.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You have no reason to trust

But on the flip side you haven't presented consequence for his actions

You know the broke NC but did nothing
You know he lies about the EA but have done nothing
You know he crosses boundaries over and over but have done nothing


Think about it, if he can do as pleases with strippers and OW without fear of consequence and still have his secure marriage then he will continue to do as such


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

inali10 said:


> chapparal, the women at the new job do not know about the EA. This was a comment they just said out of the blue. Suspicious, non? Makes me think either something else is going on or could just be he's an a*hole in the office. Who knows what that meant.


This would concern me more than the strip club. 

Do you have his facebook password?

Does he know you know he admitted the EA with a friend?

Go to this page 11 posts down are the wayward spouse instructions. Read/study them with your husband. His reaction to them will tell you a lot.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Ty, almostrecovered and chapparal.

chapparal, I do not have his FB password. He changed it and also set up text alerts so he knows when someone else logs on as him. He got concerned someone was trying to hack into his account to do nefarious spamming, etc. I can't snoop without setting off serious alarms and a fighting match.

I do not know if he knows that I know about the confession. But I'm sure he suspects since the friend confronted him and came straight to talk with me the same night.

I would love to give that post to my husband, but how do I approach that when he still denies anything ever happened. Remember, I'm a complete nutjob for even suggested it did (in his mind). Denial, denial, denial - the order of the day in our house. He thinks if he denies it enough, I'll magically start believing that he's completely innocent of all things. He will never confess it to me. I think he's even got himself believing it never happened. How do you move out of that rut to even discuss things like adults when he acts like a 5-year-old about it?


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh, on the denial thing - I've even got this one:

I bring her up and he pretends he has no idea who I'm talking about - he literally asked one time "who is that"?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

consequences dear


"Husband, I know you have been talking to OW. Either you go NC, be transparent (provide passwords, let you look at his phone, etc), and start recognizing the affair and show true remorse or I file for divorce"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So he doesn't know you read the texts?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From a post from iheartlife

"A good book on emotional affairs is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You will see if you read this precisely why her relationship is inappropriate and how easy it is to second-guess yourself when your spouse is in an EA."


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

He knows I read all the original EA texts, bcs that's what I confronted him with.

No, he does not know I read the most recent texts.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

His natural tendency not just to deny, but also deflect and gaslight you into thinking you have the issue is very concerning.
His facbook defence is also very alarming.
He needs to face conesquences for his behaviour and you need to seek legal advice. Forget what happened to anyone else. Get legal advice and move from there.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You need to talk to those lady coworkers of his and ask them EXACTLY why they said they felt sorry for you. Exactly. If they are afraid to narc (which I doubt, since they already said that), just tell them you already know stuff but want them to confirm. Don't tell your H that you are doing this ahead of time or else he could get to them first.

It sounds like you aren't asking enough questions. You are very afraid of your husband and that is not good. You need to stand up for yourself, confront him and give him consequences.

He sounds like a real jag.


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## Lee_Schreck (Apr 18, 2012)

inali10

I know you feel stuck, and I can totally relate to that. Your husband knows it too and has probably fostered the situation to better enable himself to have control.

Take it back. Do what it takes to gain control for yourself. Go to school if you think that would help you out in the long run. Reach out to friends, family, anyone who you think might be in a position to help. You'd be surprised how many people will lend a helping hand if you put yourself out there. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and wisdom in knowing what has to be done. 

Do you have any specialized skills? What was your work experience before you became a SAHM? 

I'm in the same boat, and it's tough. But just having a plan in action, knowing I'll soon have my freedom back has taken a huge load off my shoulders.

Hang in there.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Thanks Lee. 

I have (had) 10+ years of executive assistant experience. High-end, assistant to VP of corporation. Of course, that was 10 years ago. Professional pedigree shot after that length of time.

I've avoided going to family. Only 2 close friends even know about the EA and no family on either side knows. We put on really good faces for them for fear of disappointing them.

I am trying to figure out an exit strategy, but in the mean time, don't know how to deal with him.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

Any men out there willing to be honest, just so I can wrap my head around it?

If you go with your pals (they are also married, some faithful & some not) to a strip club that allows touching, you damn well touch, right, only for the fact that wife won't really know and it's there for the taking? Do you take the "extras" or you say no way?

I probably already know the answer - just need confirmation.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

inali10 said:


> chapparal, the women at the new job do not know about the EA. This was a comment they just said out of the blue. I know it was about me bcs it was said right after they met me and I literally just turned around to be introduced to someone else in the office. Suspicious, non? Makes me think either something else is going on or could just be he's an a*hole in the office. Who knows what that meant.


He's cheating and he's playing. He's disrespecting you. Someone who disrespects the mother of his children is disrespecting the children as well. The comment from someone saying they feel sorry for you was a trigger for me. I was out with my wife once and someone introduced me to someone as the husband of___________while my wife had stepped away. The person took my hand and said "I feel very sorry for you". Turns out the person knew my W was having an affair (at a time when I didn't know). 

You are with your H right now because you don't think you have any options and want to take care of your children. Go find out what your options are. Meet with social services. Meet with a lawyer. Find out what kind of help is available. Don't do anything foolish that could jeopardize your rights. Check your own phone and computer for bugging software. Make sure you have access to credit in only your name so that he can't cancel it and starve you into submission. Meet with your local legal aid society to see if they have any suggestions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You will stay stuck as long as you let yourself stay stuck. There are options. You should explore those options. Maybe if he sees that you're in the process of 'unstucking' yourself, he'll smarten up.
> 
> BTW, he's a selfish prig. You deserve much better.





:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

inali10 said:


> Any men out there willing to be honest, just so I can wrap my head around it?
> 
> If you go with your pals (they are also married, some faithful & some not) to a strip club that allows touching, you damn well touch, right, only for the fact that wife won't really know and it's there for the taking? Do you take the "extras" or you say no way?
> 
> I probably already know the answer - just need confirmation.


I very rarely go to these places but if touching was allowed, I'd do it (nothing crazy, but hands on hips or butt, yes). But no extras. No way on that.


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

JustWaiting - I had a chance to talk to another woman in the office that I know fairly well. She says she's seen nothing but perfect behavior from him and has no idea why these girls would say that. 

Gabriel - Thanks for the honesty. I really appreciate it. Still makes my skin crawl thinking of him touching someone else. I know w/ strippers it's in no way emotional for either party and she only does it for the money, but my husband is still my husband. Touching is still touching, and let's face it, it's still sexual contact outside the marriage. They aren't selling rainbows and lollipops there. (No offense meant to you in any way - this is just about my personal feelings in regards to my husband).


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

inali10 said:


> He knows I can't leave him very easily. I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years while he's been the breadwinner, so it would be difficult to find a job (who's going to hire me when so many others are applying with more credentials?). I also worry about the emotional and financial impact on our kids who are very young. So, basically, he knows he can have his cake and eat it too.


Yep, SAHM and currectly looking for job. Nobody wants me, been outta work too long. I am stuck. WS had a ONS on a business trip and an EA with a coworker.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

inali10 said:


> chapparal, the women at the new job do not know about the EA. This was a comment they just said out of the blue. I know it was about me bcs it was said right after they met me and I literally just turned around to be introduced to someone else in the office. Suspicious, non? Makes me think either something else is going on or could just be he's an a*hole in the office. Who knows what that meant.


Its seems awfully cruel to do that right behind your back. They had to know you could hear at that distance. Could they have been talking about someone else, had their conversation interuppted and just resumed it.

In any event I would ask them, if nothing else their rudeness should be acknowledged. Its not like they were trying to warn you. What is their relationship waht your husband. Boss, coworker etc? 

Maybe he has been hitting on the women there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Most guys do not touch the women in those kinds of bars. That costs a good deal of money or used to. Did he smell like cheap perfume when he came home?


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## inali10 (Apr 21, 2012)

hurtingbadly, so sorry for your ordeal. I wish you the best.

chapparal, the women are coworkers. Seems awfully coincidental that I'm introduced as his wife, turn around to meet someone else and that is said under their breath immediately afterward. Yes, I agree it was rude, but I don't think they thought I heard. People sometimes whisper things louder than they think. I didn't acknowledge it at the time, just took a mental note.

I don't know what he smelled like - he came in and sat in his favorite chair which was some space away from where I was in the room. When you look up this club, there are all sorts of reviews by very open clients. The girls let you touch anywhere out in the open except naked crotch - you can rub over their undies, fondle naked breasts, cup the rear, whatever for the cost of an average lap dance. That's how they get the guys wound up enough to convince them to go to a private room for "extras". The guys have already been groping, know the girls are easy from how open it is, then it's "hey, why not? got to get this 'tension' off now". In the private room there are hand jobs & bj's frequently for not much money, sometimes full-on sex if you pay ALOT of money. Some reviewers even openly wrote the club's "menu" online and suggested code words to get what you want. Yes, it's illegal but every reviewer had either touched everywhere openly or ended up in the private rooms. The "respectable" girls will only do hj and bj. It's a local favorite for a reason. So, women don't believe for one second that your man cannot touch the ladies or they can't touch your man-BIG FAT LIE. Okay, maybe not every club, but if it is known as a "touching allowed" club, read "brothel".


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> From a post from iheartlife
> 
> "A good book on emotional affairs is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You will see if you read this precisely why her relationship is inappropriate and how easy it is to second-guess yourself when your spouse is in an EA."


You took the words right out of my mouth :rofl:

My WS and I are in R after his EA, we had our first MC in true R today, it went very well. The counselor said, I have a great book for you that you've probably never heard of. And out he trotted Not Just Friends. I said, I've read it cover to cover. He said, no, this is for your HUSBAND to read.

It really spells everything out very well. Thanks chap for bringing it up.

inali, my heart goes out to you. I do think a big issue for you is that you feel so trapped and stuck with few options. I hope you can find someone IRL who can brainstorm with you to figure out a way to put teeth into realistically preparing to leave your WS, because empty threats as you know won't work. A legitimate option to him is likely the only wakeup call he would answer. It's also the only way that his unrequited mooning over that co-worker is ever going to dissolve into the silly daydream it likely is.

I wish I knew why those women said that at his office. Honestly, if I were you, I'd try to figure out who they were and try to have an honest conversation with one of them to try to figure out why they said that. They clearly pity you, and their sotto voce conversation was likely meant, even subconsciously, to be overheard by you. So maybe they would take your side and tell you what they know.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

inali10, I feel for you. Really, I think in a way we're much in the same boat. I feel totally trapped. I've been getting so much advise now about how important it is to keep working, have your own money. I wish someone would have sat done with me fourteen years ago and told me that. You don't think your husband is gonna cheat on you years down the road. You trust them. You think you're doing right staying home, helping out at school, taking them to practices... Now I'm looking for a job, getting no hits. I have screwed myself and no thanks to WS I'm ten years older since his ONS and wasted that part of my life unknowingly with a cheat and liar. 

As for the strip club... Since discovering the ONS I also discovered something called the man code. Had no idea this even existed. Basically, men cover for each other when they cheat. Wonderful, uh? I let WS's coworker have it the other day. I said screw the code. Do you realize you helped rob me of half my adult life by covering for my WS? I wouldn't trust buddies together in that kind of strip club in no way shape or form!


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