# I need help, I lied and cheated. she left, and i want her back



## searching4help (May 30, 2014)

hi.

I have cheated and lied to my partner of 15 months and I need help. I recently confessed(under threat of leaving me and exposing my bad behaviour and lies) to Two infidelities early in our relationship. One was with my ex(not divorced yet)wife and another time I attempted to solicit sex through FB with another woman.

My partner is an amazing woman. she is so generous, considerate, sexy, understanding and supportive. She really is my perfect woman. We started dating and honestly I treated the relationship casually at first. But after she told me she loved me and me her, my life changed in ways I can't express. My infidelities had taken place by then however, and I couldn't bare to admit what I'd done through a fear of losing this wonderful person who was in love with me and that I cherished so much. So I lied to cover it up. I opted out of honesty, like a coward.

over the last 15 months I also lied and omitted about other less serious matters(in comparison to cheating) to do with monetary support to my ex wife and other things. even though some of these lies were white, my partner was devastated by the fact that I'd lie to her. Or tell her one thing then do another. some of these lies were uncovered along the way. Mostly by me tripping up.

Fast forward to the night where I admitted the near infidelity(I know this is cheating but I want to distinguish the events from each other). After telling me she would leave me the afternoon before because of me getting pissed at something she was doing(which was actually a really important thing) with her family, when I'd made plans for us with my family. I knew I was unjust in my being pissed with her about this, but I was upset that she didn't try to work both things in. I think that was a catalyst as she was generally unhappy in some other aspects of our relationship

She sat with me that night and told me that unless I was honest about everything I'd done in our relationship, she would expose my behaviour to all(friends/family/colleagues) if she found out anything later.

I confessed the near fidelity and other indiscretions which completely shattered her, I also confessed to some details in my marriage(FB messaging women inappropriately/sleeping with women during a separation in my marriage) which I hadn't told my partner about previously. She told me on this night that this was my only chance to admit things that I'd done if I wanted to save our relationship. I then promised her that that was it. I hadn't told her the worst thing of all. That I'd slept with my ex wife just after we first met. Again, how could I tell her that. That would surely be the death of our relationship. I was trying to hang on and scared of losing her.

The following night.
She obviously could sense that there was more. She told me that She could retrieve data and messages from my emails/FB/Phone and if I didn't come clean about anything else and she found out she would go to the top of my company with the details. This rattled me. This kind of news could have an adverse effect on my career(again only thinking about myself). So I confessed to deleting further messages from FB between me and my ex wife which would expose lies about financial support and then I confessed to sleeping with my ex wife which happened around two/three/four weeks after our first date.

She then over the next couple of hours organised and packed up her belongings she could carry and went to stay elsewhere. I'd finally ****ed everything up. All because I couldn't be honest with her from the beginning about these things. Again in my mind, I was protecting myself from losing her.

For the record there has been not even a suggestion of an infidelity since these took place. Our relationship blossomed and turned into the greatest relationship of our lives and we both would say things like, "I've never loved or felt loved like this". We were each others worlds, each others hearts. we took the step of moving in together around 3 months ago.

Now I've lost her and I want her back. I want us to rebuild our relationship. I've never felt so appreciated and supported and loved like I was by her. An amazing woman who is worth everything to me. This relationship has been the best ever by some margin.

I need help. I need help with my need to lie about things to cover things up. I need help to understand why I did this. I need help.

I have spent the last few days asking for forgiveness and another chance. I have told her that I will never cheat or lie to her again about anything, even if it means she would leave. I want to rebuild what we once had and take it to a higher place than it ever was. I don't want to do the same things, I want a different more rewarding relationship for us. I want that for her because she deserves it. She deserves to be treated like the queen of my world and to know that the man in her life is there for her and will never let her down. 

I have made these promises to her which are not empty or hollow and will do whatever I need to do to fight for her. I want her in my life forever.

This was the most meaningful relationship in my life and I want her back!

Please help me.


Added note. Children

One thing I didn't mention in detail is our children. Her little boy looks up to me and while I'm not his father, I feel that I have an influence in his life which I take seriously. It is important to me to show him how to treat women with respect and love. I feel just as disappointed with myself that I have let him down as well. Not to mention my Two. My Two children stay with us every Two weekends and one night during the week in the same fortnight. They love my partner and her child. Again I don't want my son thinking that this is ok to treat women this way. And I don't want my daughter thinking this is normal.

After fixing myself, I want to help heal the relationship for everyone involved should I get the chance. Kids included.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, the lying--only you can stop. You know that. So stop doing it. 

She may come around. She may not. Stop lying. It's not good.

But I just want to point out something: you say you cheated on her at the beginning of your relationship--um, you were still married. So actually you cheated on your wife. 

With that said, 

you already know what to do. So do it.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Agree with Jelly 100%

And it is majorly flucked up to think you cheated on your GF and not your wife 
BIG CHARACTER FLAW there - skewed thinking

SO - My words to you are

Relationships based/built on lies and deceit most usually end in lies and deceit

You apparently learned nothing from your previous failed relationship (your marriage)

Total disclosure is necessary - you claim to love her
give her all the information she needs to make a knowledgeable decision about you and your "relationship"


----------



## searching4help (May 30, 2014)

Hi .

For the record, Separated 5 years but not divorced.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

searching4help said:


> Hi .
> 
> For the record, *Separated 5 years but not divorced*.


Why? 

Also, you need to be in therapy - with a very good, very knowledgeable therapist - like yesterday. Get yourself together, work on your issues, change yourself for you. After you can demonstrate a significant period of being a decent human being who isn't compelled to lie and cheat, then you may be ready for a real relationship. 

Your girlfriend, however, gets to make her own choices about the type of man she wants as a partner in her life. Right now, that's not you. It may be you at sometime in the future, but it's not right now. And that is her choice. You don't have the right to expect her to change her boundaries for you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

searching4help said:


> *I have cheated and lied to my partner of 15 months *and I need help. I recently confessed(under threat of leaving me and exposing my bad behaviour and lies) to *Two infidelities early in our relationship*. *One was with my ex(not divorced yet)wife* and another time I attempted to solicit sex through FB with another woman.
> 
> *That I'd slept with my ex wife just after we first met*.


You may have been separated for five years from your now-ex (which means you only recently divorced) but you wer enot at all done with her. And clearly, still having sex with her.



searching4help said:


> I need help to understand why I did this. I need help.


You already answered this in your own words here:



searching4help said:


> My infidelities had taken place by then however, and I couldn't bare to admit what I'd done t*hrough a fear of losing this wonderful person* who was in love with me and that I cherished so much.* So I lied to cover it up. I opted out of honesty, like a coward.*
> 
> Again, how could I tell her that. *That would surely be the death of our relationship. I was trying to hang on and scared of losing her*.


_She told me that She could retrieve data and messages from my emails/FB/Phone and if I didn't come clean about anything else and she found out she would go to the top of my company with the details. This rattled me. This kind of news could have an adverse effect on my career(again only thinking about myself). So I confessed to deleting further messages from FB between me and my ex wife which would expose lies about financial support and then I confessed to sleeping with my ex wife which happened around two/three/four weeks after our first date._

_She then over the next couple of hours organised and packed up her belongings she could carry and went to stay elsewhere. I'd finally ****ed everything up. All because I couldn't be honest with her from the beginning about these things._ 

I will be honest with you: only 15 months in and this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much drama. You have lied about literally everything to her: money, sleeping with your ex, cheating on facebook, another "near-infidelity" and on and on and on.

I would personally let her go, get some IC, stop lying, and in the future, never lie again to your partner. Because this is what happens. Lies beget lies.

The fact is: your relationship is fcked. It will never have a good foundation because nearly all of it was built on a lies.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

searching4help said:


> Hi .
> 
> For the record, Separated 5 years but not divorced.


Do you not see the irony here?

"Separated" for 5 years, yet you maintained a relationship with her, even while involved in your current relationship? So, do you or did you want your former wife back or what? If not, then why didn't you divorce her years ago?

Now you have lied and cheated on your current W, but you can't let her go either and want her back.

Apparently (and this is my own humble opinion) you seem to have a problem with believing you are entitled to do what you want and "keep" the woman that you have hurt. Do you not see that the problem is a direct result of your own behavior and that both women are or were being used by you? Is it possible that you sent the same "signal" to your ex spouse and had her believing that you want her back as well, since you hadn't divorced her in those 5 years?


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

You can try to recover the relationship but if I was on the other foot I wouldn't forgive you, either. All you can do is live a clean open live from now on and hope she will give you another chance. If she doesn't, then be honest and open with the next one. 

I screwed up and got divorced, and by the time I knew what I had done it was too late to fix that. Too bad, she did deserve better. I've been lucky enough to be given a second chance with another wonderful woman so I'm not making any of those mistakes again.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds like she is better off without you. You know what you did. Time to make some changes so that your next relationship will be better. 

You cannot force someone to be with you.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She might be YOUR perfect partner, but you obviously aren't hers. She realized she deserves better. 

You will have to first BECOME that better man if you want to win her back, and not manipulate her back into your life. It's a big risk, but it's the one that *might* stand a chance of working. Anything else will ultimately fail anyway.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your selfishness is shining through.

She left you. Deal with it.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I just want to say that I am married to someone who lies to me on a daily basis and It causes so much stress, heartache, and pain. 

You need to stop doing that. Just stop lying. It's really not all that hard. 

If I were her (not married to you yet), and I found all of this out, there is no way I would stay with you. No way. But that's me. She may decide to give you another chance or not.

There is no way to "win" her back. She has to make that decision on her own.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are a very broken person, go get professional help. Leave relationships alone until you are fixed, it isn't fair to waste other people's time and lives because of your issues.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

searching4help,

What led to the breakup of your previous marriage?


What is the lie you told about supporting your ex?


----------



## searching4help (May 30, 2014)

Hi Elegirl.

The break up of my previous marriage was mostly about how we resented each other. We had been together around 6 years when we got married and really probably shouldn't have. The same problems we had before we got married continued into the marriage. Mainly just arguing about everything. I did contact women with FB flirting through this time as well, so this has been something I've been guilty of before.

We separated right after my daughter was born due to fighting continuously and Once I was told to go during an argument, I went and thought I'd never look back. During our separation There was a time where we were talking about reconciliation. During this time I met another woman for sex twice which my then wife found out about. I was also still flirting with Women on Facebook. I was never really serious about reconciliation, but I went along with it anyway. Maybe in my mind for the children's sake(2 kids). This infidelity was uncovered by my ex being in contact of friends of friends of the woman I slept with.

The lie I told about supporting my ex was to do with Paying her rent. Apparently she was desperate for money and she needed help because she was behind. I paid $600 to help her with her rent. I was of course telling my partner that I'd not do this. She was very down on this but I did it anyway. I figured I needed to help my kids. But I was telling my current partner what she wanted to hear rather than stand my ground. Truth is I should've never paid it. Things like this made it difficult to set up the boundaries that should've been there from day 1 of my new relationship.

For probably the first half of my relationship with my current partner, I really didn't have any boundaries set up with my ex. I was able to be basically used and abused for "groceries, alcohol, $20 for this, $40 for that. Through the support and help my current partner has given, I am now able to say that there has been boundaries set up now for months which are working well. Whether there's hope for me and my current partner or not, I will maintain and strengthen these.


Note added 20 minutes later:

_The lie I told about supporting my ex was to do with Paying her rent. Apparently she was desperate for money and she needed help because she was behind. I paid $600 to help her with her rent. I was of course telling my partner that I'd not do this. She was very down on this but I did it anyway. I figured I needed to help my kids. But I was telling my current partner what she wanted to hear rather than stand my ground. Truth is I should've never paid it. Things like this made it difficult to set up the boundaries that should've been there from day 1 of my new relationship._

I feel that I've misrepresented my current partner here. She was very down on me being walked over by my ex. She realised and made it clear to me though that of course some things need to be looked after, in regards to extra financial support. My current partner was only ever supportive and helpful. There was never any jealousy or any other kind of behaviour to prevent what was important. Really, it was more a case of me telling her what I thought she wanted to hear.


----------



## searching4help (May 30, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> She might be YOUR perfect partner, but you obviously aren't hers. She realized she deserves better.
> 
> You will have to first BECOME that better man if you want to win her back, and not manipulate her back into your life. It's a big risk, but it's the one that *might* stand a chance of working. Anything else will ultimately fail anyway.


Yes KathyBatesel,

I do have to fix myself. It's not a risk. It's something I have to do. Firstly for me. Then for us.

Thanks for your advice.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

While I agree with everyone else here I want to take a different tack...




searching4help said:


> hi.
> 
> She sat with me that night and told me that unless I was honest about everything I'd done in our relationship, she would expose my behaviour to all(friends/family/colleagues) if she found out anything later.
> . She told me that She could retrieve data and messages from my emails/FB/Phone and if I didn't come clean about anything else and she found out she would go to the top of my company with the details. This rattled me. This kind of news could have an adverse effect on my career(again only thinking about myself).


Who does this sort of thing and why would you want to be with them? Maybe she was just angry, and maybe she didn't really mean it but you seem to believe she would be capable of doing this. If she is that vindictive why do you see her only with rose colored glasses?





searching4help said:


> This was the most meaningful relationship in my life
> .



You are probably right about this because someone made you see that lying and cheating is no way to have a relationship with someone.

It doesn't sound like this is going to work out the way that you want. You asked for help, well this is the help you are going to get. You would be better off learning what you can from this failed relationship and moving on. 

Before you give up on yourself try to realize that you have more in you as far as being a good partner in a relationship. You can learn from this one and apply it to the next one. Unfortunately we don't get dress rehearsals in real life. Some people can go out there and "nail" their parts cold. 

Others, like you, and like me, need a couple of flops before we get it right.


----------

