# Confused....



## torn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Background story:

My wife and i have been married for 10 years. we married young i was 21 and she was 25. Been through military life, deployments and now have 2 children together and I also raised her daughter which was 5 when i met her (now 15). I cheated on my wife (then girlfriend) in the very beginning before we got married and she took me back. From there the roller coaster began. She is a very jealous person and I am a very patient person. So i endured jealousy, rage, accusations for the entire 10 years we were together. Her jealousy even leaked over onto her family members and we have had heated spats over whether or not i was sleeping with her sister, or niece, or cousin. These incidents took a toll on me and i became distant from both her and her family and it could be sensed by everyone. Our last altercation ended this past may when i finally graduated from college and the whole happy celebration went sour when she once again thought i was screwing with her niece (3rd altercation with this one). I because so enraged i wielded a machete in my own home and was kicking holes in doors (not my character). Immediately following this incident another woman began showing interest in me at work. Being so engulfed in the fact that i hated my wife and the life i had been living that i engaged with the woman. The woman turns out to be a very aggressive individual and we began a swift destructive path. I began regretting my life with my wife and began listening to all the fluff from the other woman. don't get me wrong i did fall in love with her but it was all too quick. We were talking about the future with her kids (she has 2) and my kids and living together and...forever (all within one month. I still loved my wife and was not completely detached so i dumped the girl and went back to my wife. But when i returned i didn't feel things with her like I remembered, i attributed it to the fact i was with another woman. i lasted about 2 weeks before I began speaking to the other woman again. My wife found out and I left my home and kids and spent the next 2 months with the other woman. I became intermittently depressed while with the other woman partly because of my kids and partly because of my wife. I would secretly text my wife about random things hoping for conversation. eventually i broke and went back to my wife and dumped the woman for a second time. Again about 2 weeks went by before I couldn't help myself and spoke to the other woman. just to speak. speaking turned into other things and now back in the situation again where i'm with my wife but want to be with the other woman.

Basically my feelings towards my wife are strong but not strong enough. The other woman gives me things my wife doesn't. I feel passionate with the other woman, I actually get butterflies when around her or kissing her. I engage in fruitful conversation with her. We have more in common than my wife. My feelings for my wife are more learned than chemistry. We started young when we both didn't know what we wanted in life. My wife just satisfies me emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, etc just enough but the other woman is intense with feelings so strong it's unbearable to stay away. But i'm not oblivious to the reality that this all may be the "newly wed" feeling when you first meet someone. I just don't know what to do with it all. any advise at all. any questions into the matter i will answer let me know


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, you're not likely to get much support here since you are ACTIVELY cheating on your wife with another woman. In fact, you are quite likely to get blasted here.

Having said that, what you are doing to your wife (in her life, out of her life, back with the OW, back at home, stringing her along) is cruel to say the least.

File for divorce. You are clearly not happy in your marriage. You have cheated on your wife twice, and been accused of cheating the entire marriage. Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic at all.

You are cake-eating. You want the OW for the excitement and great sex; you want your wife for emotional, mental, psychological support. You can't have both.

You already know what you need to do. You just don't want to pull the plug.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

torn1 said:


> I because so enraged i wielded a machete in my own home and was kicking holes in doors (not my character).
> 
> I just don't know what to do with it all. any advise at all.


Start by accepting the truth. That this enraged, angry machete wielding - door hole kicker - serial cheater IS your true character.

Only then can you start to make the necessary steps to change it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Who gets out a machete to terrorize the wife and kids without ending up in jail? If you're so patient why did you get enraged enough to go Friday the 13th? Plenty of other holes in your story, so please enlighten us...


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## torn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Well, this thread is "Considering Divorce or Separation" which is what i'm doing. my wife and I don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. we are seriously considering divorce but we are considering pressing on. 

Well the holes in the story are as such. I ,originally in the marriage, was the most patient person in the world. One of my greatest qualities. that slowly was chipped away as the constant accusations grew within the marriage. Some of the information i neglected to relinquish is the fact that I also cheated on her many times while in the military. I blame it on being young, but can't deny the fact that I was unhappy and sought happiness somewhere else. I was weak i admit that. I have also broken down and divulged ALL of my skeletons to my wife to truly let her know where i have been and where i am now. She realizes that I have certain issues that need to be worked through. But through ALL of that she still wants me. The machete wielding person came out through the frustration of being forced to pretend to be happy in a relationship and with the family of my wife as my wife would threaten me about voicing my concerns of her jealousy. So basically i had to endure the stress but could not say anything about it to not embarass her. So i did this for 10 years till i finally snapped and started being violent (not to people) just to scare. I'm not a psychopath people (although nothing i've said thus far could probably convince anyone otherwise). 

As of right now I love them both. But I feel like remaining with my wife is not fair to her or myself. But I also feel morally obligated to my wife and my family as well as the fact that all love for her is not gone. 

as you said @happy as a clam - I think i do know the answer but don't have the balls to pull the plug...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need help. And I don't mean that to be cruel. But you need to work with someone who has the whole story and has the training to ask you the right questions to help you discover what you're really looking for.

Because right now, dude... You're a hot mess. You shouldn't be in ANY relationship. You're messing them all up. You're messing the kids up. You're making bad choices about partners. Pretty much everything. 

C


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You are abusing your wife with your anger and destructive behavior, trying to scare her. Either stop it NOW (get counseling) or get out.


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## torn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> You need help. And I don't mean that to be cruel. But you need to work with someone who has the whole story and has the training to ask you the right questions to help you discover what you're really looking for.
> 
> Because right now, dude... You're a hot mess. You shouldn't be in ANY relationship. You're messing them all up. You're messing the kids up. You're making bad choices about partners. Pretty much everything.
> 
> C


I think your right I think i need professional help as well. But i'm just a blue collar guy with just enough to support his family i can't get professional help right now, hence my resulting to divulging personal information on the internet. I in some ways believe I don't know how to be alone and fear it. I haven't been out of a relationship since i was 19 yrs old and am now 30. I have succumb to the familiarity of married life. I own my own home and vehicles etc. I believe my inability to let my wife go now and even back then when i cheated on her many times before is my fear of being alone. But AGAIN i'm here because i want opinions, subjective, detailed, non-biased opinions. Thanks for your insight.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You are a dishonest person.

You have been dishonest with yourself by pitting yourself as the victim of your wife's jealousy in your marriage. However, you have serially cheated on her before marriage, during your time in the military and now with this OW. You are the sole cause of her jealousy, lack of trust and insecurities. Yet you blame her for them and play victim to what you feel are exaggerated outbursts. You need to honestly take responsibility for this. You can't fling a bunch of sh!t around the room and then complain about the smell.

You are dishonest with yourself about your own nature. You claim to be a patient man. Yet were you patient to get the love and intimacy you craved from your wife when you decided to cheat with other women? Further, you chose to let your anger get the best of you - anger you direct at your wife for the pain you put her in for cheating on her repeatedly. You grabbed a machete by your own admission and decided to intimidate your wife and possibly children into silence about your abuse and indiscretions by kicking in walls and doors. You said it yourself - you _wanted _to scare her/them. This is abusive. This is cruel. 

You are dishonest with your wife. Cheating, lying, minimizing her pain etc. etc. 

You are dishonest with us. You trickle-truthed us in your first post. You didn't fess up to the serial cheating in the military until a latter post. 

You sound like you have strong narcissistic tendencies. You are using both your wife and this other woman as if they were appliances. Your wife is used like the refrigerator that feeds your soul, your heart, your intellect, your mind. This other woman is your video game console which entertains you and fulfills you sexually and makes you feel accomplished as an attractive person which boosts your ego. 

Both women are de-personified by you and there to serve only your purposes with them, while you disregard their needs. The need of a wife to be loved, cherished, adored, respected by her husband should be on the forefront of your heart and mind but it's not. You my friend are very selfish. How did you become this way? Is it family? How was your upbringing? How was your parents marriage? Do you feel your needs emotional and physical were met in childhood? Was there abuse in your home?

Sir, as a man, a father and a husband you are failing. The hate and loathing you feel towards your wife (you did use the word hate in your OP) is no doubt a *projection *of what you really feel about yourself but are too afraid to see. Introspection is a scary thing. It's much easier to take our demons out on others and that's what you're doing to your wife and your children. Don't believe for a second that your kids aren't/won't be affected by your poor choices. If you have a daughter, are you the kind of man that you'd want her to marry? Do you want her to marry a man that flings machetes, kicks and punches holes into the holes of her walls and that of your grandchildren? That cheats on her, abandons her, and splits up the home? You are the role model for what a "man" is supposed to be.

If you are religious, I urge you to seek counsel for yourself from the head of your church. If you are not religious, and even if you are, you need counseling period. 

Saying you can't afford it is an excuse. If it's important to you, you will find a way. If you think you can afford a divorce, dalliances with other women, paying for two homes, child support and the like, you can afford the counseling that you need. Sell a vehicle, get a second job etc. find the money. Alternatively, there may be free counseling or cheap, based on a sliding scale in your area. Call your local social services department. The help is out there.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Want another unbiased opinion?
Re-read what Miss Taken has written, because it is my opinion, too, and said a whole lot nicer. 
Look in the mirror. "Patient" people don't cheat to fulfill some random need. I'd bet the farm that you'd cheat on the new woman too, just as soon as she became old news and you found a new need that you felt was not being fulfilled. And the next.
You need help, seriously and no kidding. Man up, discard the excuses, go get it, and commit to it -- for the sake of your kids, if not yourself.

...and good luck.


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