# Hi. Husband in sexless marriage here



## Husband4321

Same old story. Married 5 years, 2 kids, in our 30s. No sex, no passion, no intimacy. All strategies are failing and I am considering leaving her or having an affair. Have tried therapy on my own. Just tired of rejection to the point where I don't bother. Really sick of this situation, always a believer that things will change but it never does.

Have had sex only twice in the last 12 months. I didn't sign up for this. 

Advice please. 

Thanks for reading everyone.


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## In Absentia

What are your wife's "excuses" for not wanting sex with you? How's your relationship outside the bedroom? Whatever you do, don't have an affair. It solves nothing.


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## 20yr

Husband4321 said:


> Same old story. Married 5 years, 2 kids, in our 30s. No sex, no passion, no intimacy. All strategies are failing and I am considering leaving her or having an affair. Have tried therapy on my own. Just tired of rejection to the point where I don't bother. Really sick of this situation, always a believer that things will change but it never does.
> 
> Have had sex only twice in the last 12 months. I didn't sign up for this.
> 
> Advice please.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone.


How old is your youngest? Have you spoken to her about it? Life with young kids can be exhausting. I used to say that the sexiest thing my husband could do when the kids were young was pick up a vacuum. Don't make it about sex, do something nice for her with no expectations. It sounds like you need to rebuild intimacy first.

Whatever you do, don't have an affair.


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## notmyjamie

First and foremost I agree with @20yr, do NOT have an affair. Either decide to continue working on the problem or decide to leave the marriage. An affair is the coward's way out and it will blow apart your life and your children's lives. 

You say all strategies have failed...what have those strategies been? Has there been a hard conversation where you tell her that you're considering ending the marriage because of the lack of intimacy? Sex is about way more than just having an orgasm. It's about feeling close to one another, bonding, expressing your love, etc. You need that with your wife and it's totally normal that you would. Does she know you're feeling that way? Or does she just think you want to get your rocks off and that's it? If you haven't told her, she probably doesn't know.


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## JultedMuppet

There is an echo in here:

Please, please do not have an affair. Do whatever you need to to let her know how you feel, even if it's suddenly coming out and saying you're thinking of divorce. Do something that shocks her into realising how seriously this affects you, then work together to see what you can both do about it.

A divorce, or attempted divorce, can be reversed. A massive argument can be reconciled. 

An affair can never, ever be undone. And it can't make things better.

Good luck,

- Scooter.


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## arbitrator

Husband4321 said:


> *Same old story. Married 5 years, 2 kids, in our 30s. No sex, no passion, no intimacy. All strategies are failing and I am considering leaving her or having an affair. Have tried therapy on my own. Just tired of rejection to the point where I don't bother. Really sick of this situation, always a believer that things will change but it never does.
> 
> Have had sex only twice in the last 12 months. I didn't sign up for this.
> 
> Advice please.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone.*


*Has she ever been halfway agreeable to marriage, sex therapy, and/or pastoral counseling?

Does she ever stay away from home for extended periods of time? Wondering if she is the one who might be having the affair?

If she's not even remotely willing to accept her role in your joint problem, then I believe that you should be talking to a good family attorney to protect your marital and legal rights!

Being in tacit agreement with my other TAM cohorts, please refrain from seeking out an affair! It might be tough, but don't do it!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## Talk2Me

I went thru this for YEARS.... Was with my ex for 16 years and the last 4 or so years were horrible!!!!! I tried EVERYTHING from cleaning the house and keeping it clean, taking care of our son, doing whatever she wanted to do, trying to get her out of the house, I went to counseling alone because she wouldn't go and NOTHING would ever change. I damn near hated myself because of the constant rejection.

I ended up leaving and it was damn hard. Not going to lie it was hard to walk away from my family. That said, I have a new relationship and it's the best I've ever had. Been over 2 years and we have sex 6 days a week and it's AWESOME.... Unfortunately, I had to leave to find the life I wanted but I'm finally happy. Prob. not the answer you're looking for though.


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## Casual Observer

Husband4321 said:


> Same old story. Married 5 years, 2 kids, in our 30s. No sex, no passion, no intimacy. All strategies are failing and I am considering leaving her or having an affair. Have tried therapy on my own. Just tired of rejection to the point where I don't bother. Really sick of this situation, always a believer that things will change but it never does.
> 
> Have had sex only twice in the last 12 months. I didn't sign up for this.
> 
> Advice please.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone.


There are so many threads here with good advice. Thankfully you're just 5 years in. It's hard to believe behavior can't change when there's so little momentum. As others have mentioned, do not have an affair. Regarding leaving, you have to consider your finances. Can you afford to leave AND support your wife and 2 kids? You'd have to be very well off to do so. And since you had something to do with bringing them into this world, your responsibility for their well-being is absolute. If you cannot afford to leave and support them, then threatening to do so isn't a great choice. She may call your bluff. And if it's not a bluff, you'll end up poor & destitute, not a very attractive partner, unless, as mentioned, you're very very well off.

You can start by bargaining. It quite possibly won't work, but at least it shows your intent to change things. Let's say sex is a whole 7 minutes. Give her 4 times that, every day, helping her with something you previously hadn't been doing. Putting away the laundry. Whatever. Something she complains about having to do. Trade that for 7 minutes of sex 3 times a week. If she declines, ask her why that's not a good deal for her. Ask her why she's not happier if her husband is happier. In the end this is likely to create a ritual of "duty sex" but... at least it's putting it on the map, and you can go from there.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I think you're seeing that it doesn't get better. 

In the long run, hope is your enemy on this one. It will lead you astray.... which in this case means back home. but home is unlikely to change. 

Ultimatum time. But only so long as you are committed to following through.


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## Deejo

Does she respect you? Or does she consider you another child that wants something from her?


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## farsidejunky

It is very hard to properly advise you without some insight into your marital dynamic. 

What is your day-to-day relationship like?

Does she complain about you? What does she complain about?

Does she work?

How much time do you spend together doing date nights, etc.?




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## Talk2Me

When I was going thru it I would be sincere and ask my ex what she wanted and what she needed so we could be intimate. She said that it just wasn't super important to her and that she felt like I always wanted more and more and she wasn't a porn star. I never wanted her to be one but she could have at least made a little effort or at least some to be a wife. Sex is super important to me and I would never put myself thru that again. 

We tried everything from making a contract and both signing it and nothing still never changed. I would be horny and she would ask if I just wanted a hand job. No thanks. Then, Oral was maybe 3 times per year and I tried getting it even once a month and she laughed at me. When I left her for my current g/f she begged she would change and be the sexual partner I wanted. Sorry, too late


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Talk2Me said:


> When I was going thru it I would be sincere and ask my ex what she wanted and what she needed so we could be intimate. She said that it just wasn't super important to her and that she felt like I always wanted more and more and she wasn't a porn star. I never wanted her to be one but she could have at least made a little effort or at least some to be a wife. Sex is super important to me and I would never put myself thru that again.
> 
> We tried everything from making a contract and both signing it and nothing still never changed. I would be horny and she would ask if I just wanted a hand job. No thanks. Then, Oral was maybe 3 times per year and I tried getting it even once a month and she laughed at me. When I left her for my current g/f she begged she would change and be the sexual partner I wanted. Sorry, too late


This is what will happen. Don't be fooled, you can never do enough to "earn" your way back to her desiring you.

If a W is showing you by her actions and clear communication she desires and wants you and help around the house will be support that's one thing, and will be helpful. 

If a W only says she's too tired, she doesn't want to, and never reaches back to you when you reach out to her - she's checked out or something else is going on.

And don't automatically think it's YOU or something YOU'VE done. If W tries to put all of her lack of responsiveness or trouble in you, it's almost a surety it's her.

If you can be objective of the facts before you, a path will make itself known.

More information may be helpful here, pls share as you're comfortable with. No one wants to pry.

Best,


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## MattMatt

@Husband4321 how are you doing?


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## dennisg1

I feel your pain and will echo what others have mentioned here.

I was in the same cycle as you; told my ex-wife that sex wasn't just sex for me it was more of an emotional/intimate bond to bring me closer to her but would still get turned down countless times. To same point where I stopped trying because I felt pathetic as a man begging my own spouse for it when I could easily have gone outside the marriage to find someone who actually wanted to be with me. 

It got so mechanical that the few times we did have sex, I wasn't even into it since she wasn't into it and then she would have the nerve to ask me whats wrong with me. I felt like saying "you, you is what's wrong with me!" Lol. The part that would annoy me more is she was self-aware of the situation saying things like "I know guys need it more than women do", but nothing would change. She would make blanket statements like that but not make any attempts to come outside her box and show me that she fully understands how important this is in our marriage.

Went down the same road as others; helping even more around the house / things in her life to make it easier on her and to stop hearing the "I'm too tired" or "I feel gross" lines but didn't work; it just ended up me making her life easier and me in the same boat as before. We didn't even have children so that made it even worse, I have friends with 2+ children that were having more sex a week than I was having in a month.

In the end, like @Ragnar Ragnasson mentioned; she was already checked out and seeing someone else so there was no turning point in trying to reignite the spark back in our marriage. In the end, it does get better and I'm glad not being with someone that states the obvious but has little to no care in actually showing it through actions.

I hope this isn't the case in your scenario and you are able to work things out!


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