# Husband needs a good kick in the ......



## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

I have to say that my Husbands change into this Macho Man is ruining my attraction to him and my love. My Husband has always had an anger problem but within this past year it has become too much. And I am starting to see this immature ugly side of him I haven't ever seen. He yells and constantly talks down to me, his family members and our children. He thinks that his way is the right and only way and anyone who disagrees will feel his wrath. He has also become very shallow minded, for example if he sees a person overweight or not dressed to impress he will start to talk so much crap about them. He looks himself in the mirror and says how good he looks and how big his muscles are getting. And his angry outbursts are happening too often now, like every other week. Example, I just got yelled at this weekend because I accidentally poured diet soda in our kids cup instead of regular soda, our cups were all together and I drink the diet and meant to pour it in my cup but was distracted. He was so mad that he balled his fist up and huffed and puffed then went into our bedroom hit the wall came back out and pointed his finger in my face asking me why I did that, then telling me I better get all the diet soda out of the house before the morning or he is going to put it in the trash. So I am over it, I don't find him attractive like I use to, yes physically he is hot but mentally and emotionally not. I have stepped out of my "love and respect" for him. He has done so much damage due to his anger that I don't think I will recover. I love him and don't want to divorce because I believe in marriage and " for better and worse" but I do think he needs to be knocked down and have a reality check. He does have good qualities he is a great provider financially, a good Dad, hard worker, works out a lot, and is in the Military, and we have been married for 8 yrs. So 70% of him is good but this other 30% is starting to take over. Any thoughts about whats going on? Any other Husbands act this way?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

My thoughts are that if he thinks you will stay and put up with it, he will not change.

He sounds like a bully and at the least verbally abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Could he be using steroids?

Does he use porn? (made my husband disrespectful condescending and angry)

Sorry you're going through this. Balling up his fist at you and punching the wall... that is threatening and creates an atmosphere of fear in the home. Are You Being Abused? - Ending Domestic Violence


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Sounds like roid rage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Did you get all the diet soda out of the house?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

My first thought...Is he taking steroids???


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Have you talked to him about Anger Management Counseling? I am military (25yrs) and have worked with many who developed work related or ptsd related rage issues. Men are very uncomfortable with seeking that type of counseling, but if there is any way you can talk to him about it that may help? Does he feel remorseful after these rage bouts?

I can tell you from personal experience some of the leadership and co-worker experiences that you run into in military life can be incredibly painful....AND there is no escape until someone transfers. Particularly if he is a sailor or deploys in some other capacity where he is compressed and unable to take a break from certain personalities.

NONE of that justifies his rage issue or his behavior, which sounds incredibly narcissistic and childish.

Regardless, of the cause he needs help NOW. Flying into barely controlled rages and punching the wall (is this type of behavior frequent) are signs of someone who has the potential to either assault his wife or assault a coworker. Either of these are going to be extremely detrimental to your family and his career. 

Another question, is he using some type of supplement to develop his physique? Steroids are well known to cause this type of behavior, but even beyond steroids some of the other supplements seem to have similar side effects. There are plenty of discussion on it although many weight lifters will discount the connection also.

This all sounds like signs of someone who has low self confidence. Confident men don't spend any time admiring themselves in the mirror, they don't have to to know they're attractive. And they don't have to spend time putting down others or pointing out the flaws in others. I'm betting he acts like he has all the confidence in the world, but his rage and narcissism say otherwise.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

k i agree roid rage but PORN rage come on blonde REALLY.

my advice if he doesnt get help soon get the heck out for you and your kids sake!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

1s thought? Hes mean...


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Could he be using steroids?
> 
> Does he use porn? (made my husband disrespectful condescending and angry)
> 
> Sorry you're going through this. Balling up his fist at you and punching the wall... that is threatening and creates an atmosphere of fear in the home. Are You Being Abused? - Ending Domestic Violence


Well you would think steroids, but no. He is in the Military and they don't allow that and test for it. Ya he does look at porn once in awhile but not that much. Probably TMI but we do have sex everyday so he gets his fulfillment in that department.
Thanks for the link


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Did you get all the diet soda out of the house?


Ya I did.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

See.... you change something simple and harmless just to keep the peace. 

Personally, I see that as you allowing him to squash you.... for no reason. If he won't go to counseling... and ya, you can't MAKE him go, then I'd be talking to a lawyer figuring out Plan B.


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

IronicSmile said:


> Have you talked to him about Anger Management Counseling? I am military (25yrs) and have worked with many who developed work related or ptsd related rage issues. Men are very uncomfortable with seeking that type of counseling, but if there is any way you can talk to him about it that may help? Does he feel remorseful after these rage bouts?
> 
> I can tell you from personal experience some of the leadership and co-worker experiences that you run into in military life can be incredibly painful....AND there is no escape until someone transfers. Particularly if he is a sailor or deploys in some other capacity where he is compressed and unable to take a break from certain personalities.
> 
> ...


Wow is all I can say because your right. He is dealing with a lot of pressure from work and his command, but he has always had this rage and its has been more frequent lately. We are transferring this summer to a station he didn't even want. 
Also I am afraid to bring up anger management to him again, I have a couple of times and all he says is "it doesn't work' and he "doesn't have time".
Right now he is taking creatine and super-pump max pre-workout. 
I also feel he is acting like a child and narcissistic, I have even told him as nice as possible and still got yelled at.

I know being in the Military is hard but he is losing me and just just past weekend we went to a Military Ball he blew up at me in front of all his friends and they had to pull him away from me because he was in my face yelling at me. Then when he went to work that Monday everyone at the shop was talking about it and even a couple of his friends asked about him verbally abusing me. He told me about and then said "this just proves to me I can't take you anywhere". Oh and what I did to get yelled at was leave our table at the club and go get a drink at the bar, he couldn't find me and it scared him that someone took me.


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Blondie83 said:


> he couldn't find me and it scared him that someone took me.


Not surprising, if he's having trouble at work, which rage issues almost always cause. And he's having trouble at home, due to his behavior that he can't seem to control. And he seems to have a pretty low self image, despite being "hot". He' probably terrified of losing you and losing his children which would be the ultimate failure.

He might feel trapped in the service, doing a job that he doesn't like and getting sent to a billet he didn't want....and consciously or unconsciously he feels that you and the kids are part of the trap.

He sounds like someone who might be angry about what his future holds and where his career is going overall. Worth talking about, there is a saying "when one door closes, another door opens". Well if he is not happy with what the military is giving him, then make the sacrifices and move on, figure out what will make the job good.

Also, will tell you I tried some of those supplements for a time, and I DEFINITELY had a rage reaction from them, and I almost never, ever under any circumstances lose my cool, just felt like I was boiling all the time from them. He may need to choose between being cut like a male model or body-builder and having a family.


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Blondie83 said:


> I know being in the Military is hard but he is losing me and just just past weekend we went to a Military Ball he blew up at me in front of all his friends and they had to pull him away from me because he was in my face yelling at me. Then when he went to work that Monday everyone at the shop was talking about it and even a couple of his friends asked about him verbally abusing me. He told me about and then said "this just proves to me I can't take you anywhere". Oh and what I did to get yelled at was leave our table at the club and go get a drink at the bar, he couldn't find me and it scared him that someone took me.


Ugh! Will tell you men hate seeing other men treat their wives like this. Your hubby lost BIG points with whoever witnessed this, you definitely have their sympathy. Like I said this rage IS hurting him at work, which long term affects his career and your future. Part of choosing leaders, and future leaders in the military is looking for the men who never lose their cool. Raging outbursts are definitely not on the list of behaviors that wins high ratings and promotion.

Did he apologize for his behavior? Is he remorseful now or after the behavior???


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

Yes, extremely! He keeps apologizing over and over again and really kisses my you know what for a couple days. But my heart and my memory don't ever recover. Oh and he will buy me something extreme after he treats me like this.


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

IronicSmile said:


> Ugh! Will tell you men hate seeing other men treat their wives like this. Your hubby lost BIG points with whoever witnessed this, you definitely have their sympathy.


And your are so right because for the rest of the night it was his buddies watching over me while he was in the corner drinking being mad.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Blondie83 said:


> Yes, extremely! He keeps apologizing over and over again and really kisses my you know what for a couple days. But my heart and my memory don't ever recover. Oh and he will buy me something extreme after he treats me like this.


At that point, you need to tell him that if you are going to accept his apology, you need to see him take action to change. Not mere words, but action like counseling and anger management.

You can't change him, but you can enforce your boundaries. If you don't see actual steps to change, you need to start taking steps to protect yourself. He is in cycle that closely resembles an abuser. They hit, then are apologetic, then hit again. It gets progressively worse, so you need to stop it now, before it is too late.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'll be "that guy" and say it.

You're allowing your children to grow up seeing exactly how NOT to be a husband and father.

It doesn't always happen. But often time you'll get your son's growing to be just like dad, and your daughters marrying a man just like dad.

Do you want this?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your feelings are understandable. One thing your husband needs to realize about yelling is that once he starts yelling he has lost the battle. Why? Because you, or anyone else, would automatically become defensive and tune him out. It seems there is always one partner in a marriage that yells. There is something behind his hurt and that is what needs to be addressed. I would suggest finding some books or articles on anger if he will read, or calmly sitting with him and trying make steps to stope the yelling. It is unproductive nd actually very hurtful. It will only harm the marriage and harm your children.


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I'll be "that guy" and say it.
> 
> You're allowing your children to grow up seeing exactly how NOT to be a husband and father.
> 
> ...


 You are so right and I have brought it up many times to him and he tells me its bullsh*t. I would whoop my sons butt if he ever treated his wife like my Husband treats me. And it also scares me to have my daughters see their Dad yell, which tells them its acceptable to have a man yell at a women when its NOT!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> it also scares me to have my daughters see their Dad yell, which tells them its acceptable to have a man yell at a women when its NOT!


And yet YOU are CHOOSING for them to watch this REGULARLY.

So he punched a wall over diet soda.

How many more fits of rage before it's not a wall anymore, it's YOU or ONE OF THE KIDS (especially the boys....I'm sure he'll think they need 'toughening up' so they won't be pvssies or pansies).

If you don't leave NOW and REQUIRE real, honest, substantive CHANGE on HIS part (therapy, anger management, get off the supplements as well), then the next dangerous thing that happens WILL BE ON YOU. 

YOU KNOW BETTER, but YOU want to be a martyr for your marriage. You're betting your life and your kids' lives and sanity on it....that is not really a good bet. And it's an unfair bet to make on THEIR behalf.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Would he consider counseling? I know some men think it makes them look weak by going to a counselor but being part of the military family I can say there are alot of tough guys that go to counseling and have benefitted. 

There's so many reasons why your husband might be raging and it would be best to try to find the source so he can take steps to correct it.

Is he aware of what he is doing? Does he show remorse? ever apologize?

My first husband had a temper like you have described and he would have easily would have made the statement about whipping his son's butt.....sometimes it's what we are raised in and what men perceive as raising their sons to be tough....tough man type.

So many encourage divorce but I am not one of them. If you are being abused, realize you do not need to take it. And like one of the previous replies, my first husband would pound walls, bust screen doors, break windows and I thought that was all it would be but I was wrong. First was a slap to my face and last was a punch to the jaw which knocked my jaw just enough that it took 8 weeks to heal and I could not open my mouth fully for a dentist for 2 years. You do not want this so you have to do something now. This is not good for anyone in your family.

If husband refuses help then you need to think how to proceed.


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Blondie83 said:


> Yes, extremely! He keeps apologizing over and over again and really kisses my you know what for a couple days. But my heart and my memory don't ever recover. Oh and he will buy me something extreme after he treats me like this.


This is the time to ask him to make real changes, like looking into the side-effects of the supplements, anger-management, and marriage counseling.

If he sincerely wants to repair your marriage, he should be willing to talk about these things. It may take several tries and tons of patience but you need to use whatever love you still feel to make the effort.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Is he using steroids? Big muscles and angry.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Just because people suggest you LEAVE NOW does NOT mean they're insisting that you ought to DIVORCE!?! You can physically SPLIT UP with him and work on your marriage/his rage. Work towards LIVING TOGETHER AGAIN in the future WHEN he has his rage controlled or cured.

You need to physically separate HIM from yourself and the kids before SOMEONE gets seriously injured (I'm sure that's not what he would INTEND...but it's gonna happen!)

You can separate UNTIL he gets himself under control through therapy, anger management, whatever. But without addressing this issue HEAD-ON and FORCING him to change, what do you have left? Hope? for a miracle? for him to acknowledge the problem on his own? even though his buddies have undoubtedly talked to him about it already?


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