# Need some advice please re-husbands affair?



## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hello everyone.
I have only just found this Forum and could do with some advice and support right now as i am so very mixed up and can't think straight some days.
My story is quite long so hope i don't bore you all.

We have been married 40 years this year and last July i found out my husband had been having an affair for a year prior to that with a lady my age ( 57).
We were on holiday and he seemed very distant with me. Three days into the holiday i asked to come home. I looked at his phone as he had it switched of during the holiday and found a picture of a lady with a message saying " so sorry darling that you have been forced to come home after your much needed holiday" Love*******".
Well to keep it short i confronted him and for 15 mins denied it until i snapped when he finally admitted they had been having an affair for the past year or so. I threw him out and went into shock for the next week or so and was under my Gp.
You see i have a lifelong illness which i am housebound with and any stress makes me very poorly and bedbound.
What was below the belt when he came back to explain was this lady had Parkinsons but he could'nt be bothered to care or look after me.

Alot happened during the coming 2 weeks whereby he cut all ties with her and was so very sorry and he had a breakdown himself and ended up off work himself for a while. His excuse to me was he was lonely and in need of some company!!!

After many many hours of talking as i was not prepared to throw away alot of many happy years of marriage i took him back but on my terms. That was last August he has done everything possible to make our marriage work as have i. I realize i was pushing him away and there were problems in our marriage but still no excuse for and AFFAIR!!

There is nothing he will not do for me. He is loving , caring and so very sorry for cheating and betraying me and is the man i married.

However i am not allowed now to bring it up as he thinks its done and dusted and we should move on but i can't.
I cannot forget the hurt, betrayal and what they did sexually. The lies, etc will haunt me for ever.

Last week i did bring it up as need to talk and he went mad. I told him that i cannot just forget all this and move on and don't know if i wish to stay in this marriage anymore. I seem so confused and mixed up i don't know what i want any more.

He told me he is not leaving or giving up on us and begged, pleaded with me to stay and i gave in as i do want things to work. Sorry if this is confusing but thats how i feel. I can't move on. I do love him and i know he loves me but is it enough.

We have two married children and four fantastic grandchildren who we both adore, lovely house, money but i don't seem happy.
You see i was'nt able to have sex and for 7 years prior to his affair but since i took him back my sex drive came back big time and at first it was brilliant. Now i don't want sex again and its causing a rift again.
Part of my problem is my illness which causes alot of pain with sex.
We have been to relate, had councelling and it didn't help either of us in fact in made us worse.
I have no-one to talk to either as everyone in my family think we are ok and don't mention it.

Please can anyone offer me any advice or support here as i don't know what to do next. 
Thanks for reading and hope i havent bored you.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm so very sorry that you are here, but welcome. A lot of the people here have great advice and have been through similar situations or worse, so make sure that you really taken in the advice and hopefully we can all help you through this. In the end though, its your decision.

There is absolutely no excuse for an affair. My wife and are are fairly young, and my wife has medical problems as well and my physical needs aren't always met either, but I can take care of myself if need be. Given, I haven't gone 7 years without sex and I'm sure that has to be hard to do, but he should have brought this to your attention and addressed this as an issue. You also should have known this was an issue. Your H did bring this up to you right? Or you at least knew it was an issue?

Feel somewhat lucky, because most of the people on this site have a hard time trying to get their spouse to even realize what they have done was wrong let alone take the steps that are needed to fix it. If you both love each other, you can look past this. It will take a lot of time and you will never forget it happened, but one day you may be able to cope with it. In most incidents like this when the marriage has lasted, it has only become stronger.

You may feel like you have no one to talk to but you do, thats why your here. I also feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it and personally I don't want my friends, family, loved ones to know about what my wife did because I don't want them to see her for what she did. If you are not seeing an individual councelor (IC) your should be. After you see an IC for a while then I would try doing some more marriage counceling (MC). Also I think you should ask your H to go to IC because he may have some problems as well that still need to be addressed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, tell him you won't stay married if he is unwilling to discuss what he did. Period. The humility he supposedly showed when wanting to be with you seems to be fake, if he's not willing to discuss it.

You definitely need to find a therapist to go to. First, by yourself, then as a couple.

If he won't do these things, separate. Make him earn the right to have you in his life.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's very hard to remove the hurt you have unless you want to let it go.

My father has been a playboy in all his life and a very irresponsible alcoholic man.

My mother has suffered a lot of to raise up kids, of course, and they got divorced 17 years ago. 

Years ago, my father got stroke.

Guess what, my mom is the one taking care of him.

If you asked my mom whether she still loves my father, she would tell you, "No" but she wouldn't want to see him die on the street. She doesn't hate my father anymore knowing he might kick the bucket at any time.

Life is short. Too short to continue to hate the person who once hurt you so deeply.

Life is short. Too short to hate the person you love.

Life is short. Too short to love the person you love.

Life is short. When he can't remember you or call your name anymore, do you still hate him?


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Thankyou for taking the time to reply and give me advice which i have taken on board.

I will reply tomorrow properly as not very well right now and need to go to bed.
Just didn't want you to think i had ignored your replies.:sleeping:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

There is a time for forgiveness and it sounds like he has atoned for what he has done. Plus you realized your part in driving him away. You need to forgive yourself too. Give up the toxic feelings it is bad for you and preventing you from being happy. 

Please don't give up the precious gift of a husband that loves you, was lonely for you and needs your touch after 40 years. Those years must count for something and his atonement and love for you counts for everything. You must be a lovely woman and he a lovely man. 

Also it may help to know that when sexual intimacy is denied by a woman a man loves, the effect is devastating. He was being honest with you, feels alone and adrift he wondered if you still returned his love and he may have become depressed. 

Did you know that it is common for men to feel that way. For a man in love, sex is a way of feeling that you love him back and it recharges his connection with the you. Read up about in in books about marriage and read some of the post from men here on the forum whose wife refuses them. It is an eye opener. Of course he is wrong for cheating. 

It helps to put your self into his shoes especially if he tried to discuss it with you and you did not listen.

Please love him and try to understand him as a man, he needs you and forgive yourself and him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I did not read about the pain. Go to a GYN and find out what the pain is about. Since you are post menopausal(?) it may be vaginal dryness and atrophy. There is treatment. Vaginal estrogen and lubricants. Plus having sex at frequent intervals does the trick along with the aide of these is also a remedy. Don't leave him adrift again try and work it out.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Ahuge thankyou to you all above. I have read what you all put above 2 or 3 times.

I better say that i have had gynae problems for many many years and had many operations down below. I have alot wrong with my down below that when i have penetrive sex its absolute agony both inside and out. I also suffer from vaginal atrophy Catherine but can't take HRT due to me having cancer many many years ago now ( i am clear thank goodness).
When i took my husband back and said we had fantastic sex well i ended up at hospital with an STI from her and other problems down below which then put me off sex again as i was in agony. Believe me when i say i have seen many specialists over the years and they can't do any more for me, hence why i went of sex.
My husband knew all this but refused to talk about it and as time passed it was never mentioned.
We lived like brother and sister for many years but i did'nt realize how bad things had become until he had an affair.

I also have Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME and other health problems too which affect sex big time.
You see he has always been in denial about me ill for alot of years which made me question as to whether i wanted to be with someone who could'nt or would'nt look after me. I was often bedbound and in need of help but got ignored. 
I also never met this woman. He met her through work and worked away alot so they met up in fancy hotels and also met up after work alot too. He told me when i found out they were in love with each other which smashed my world apart.

I gave him an ultimatium and told him to go away not come back and think about what he wanted to do with his life. Did he want to be with me or her. Yes he chose me. I saw a photo of her and she was beautiful which i know has made me very insecure about myself. 

However in saying all the above and reading the advice i do think its time to now move on and look to the future for both of us.
He now would do anything for me and we talk about my illness alot more but also making time for us now too.
We have had to start from scratch and wipe out how things were before and move on.

Sorry if i have been rambling but do feel so much better for putting my thoughts and feelings down.:smthumbup:


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I just wanted to say 40 years is a very long marriage and a marriage worth some effort, 
Your husband has seemed to correct the problem he has created in the marriage, but what he did was wrong for any reason he choses.........I think you need to sit him down and just explain that you can't just not voice your concerns when it comes to the affair, tell him this has left you with trust issues and painful triggers that you can't just ignore, if he truly wants this marriage to work he must support you for as long as you need.....
Tell him you can be understanding and forgiving but not when your feelings are swept under the rug......
I just want you to understand I know how you feel about being sick and having him look after someone else.......My husband also had an affair while I was going through and illness, on a chemo drug, losing my hair..............he decided looking after a younger woman with marital problems was more important, it's sad that they can get their morals and right from wrong so screwed up...........that part really hurt me. 
But I think for me and the changes I have seen in my husband since he has realized what he almost lost has been life changing. We together now have worked things out, discussing everything whenever we need to, him apoligizing a lot.......
It never goes away but we are trying to replace each day with the new marriage and that is all we can do, we know that some days won't feel good, but we are hoping in time if will feel less and less painful.
This is your chance to get everything you want in the relationship, don't let it just be what it was...............
Health issues are difficult but let him support you and you do the same for him.....
Affair proof your life and enjoy the process and love you two will feel because of that.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

redrainbows said:


> However in saying all the above and reading the advice i do think its time to now move on and look to the future for both of us.


Agreed.  I think it's great he's willing to try.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi Jessie,
Thankyou for sharing your story and understanding how it feels to be ill whilst your husband has an affair. I am so pleased that you are now happy and working on your marriage. Its so good to talk to someone who has been there.

You are right about triggers which as you know just come out of the blue. I can be watching the television and for some strange reason every programme is about affairs which sets me off and upsets me. We got quiet but i need to talk about how it makes me feel.

Like you thats what hurt me the most. I was so sick at the time and he has an affair with some one with Parkinsons Disease That was way below the belt.

We also have alot more time for one another and make an effort to go out for a meal at least once a week no matter how ill i am.

Take care and i wish you all the luck in the world.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Redrainbows- I'm glad you have thought about it a lot. I'll give you your husbands perspective since I'm kind of in the same boat he is in. My wife has ulcerative colitis and her condition is severe, She has also been having a lot of vaginal problems and sex puts her in a lot of pain. I don't force my wife to have sex, I don't want to put her through any pain so I don't even mention it, I always wait for her because I don't want to make her uncomfortable at all or make her feel obligated.

Needless to say we don't have sex very often, maybe a few times a month (like 1-2 times every two weeks) which is still probably more than you guys are able to. The thing is, its not all about the sex. I've talked to my wife about this a couple of times and I think I may have to again. It's not about the sex, I would just like to be shown some kind of affection. Sexual gratification doesn't require vaginal penetration only. As well all know there are plenty of other ways to "relieve" a man and if he is getting that attention then even the thought of cheating shouldn't even pop into his head.

I'm not saying that you did something wrong and its your fault, so please don't take it that way. He's the one that decided to follow through with the affair, so the affair is completely his fault. As far as I can tell he knows this too. Like I said consider yourself to be pretty lucky. You both have a lot to work on and it's going to be rough. Just know that your H chose you and there's a reason behind that, my guess would be that he really loves you with all of his heart.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I forgot to put in my last post something I wanted to explain so here it is.

My wife was so sick that it turned her into another person sometimes. She would get really pissed off at me and began to treat me unfairly. At the time I had only been home from Iraq for a short while and so I was having problems that I was trying to battle as well. So she kind of pushed me away, and I pushed back.

I was so lost and depressed that I wasn't in the right state of mind. The weird part of our stories is that they are completely opposite. My wife began to feel a little bit better and she became a little bit more outgoing whereas I was still lost in my own little reality. Some how I snapped out of it and finally realized what had gone on the past couple of years. That's when I figured out that my wife has multiple EA's.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi Forsaken,
Can i thankyou from the bottom of my heart as i am now beginning to understand how my husband must have felt from a mans point of view.

I too withdrew into myself when i became very poorly and have to admit shut him out trying to deal with the pain i was in and never realized what it was doing to him at the time.
He would come in from work to find me crying in pain and although hated seeing me like this could'nt handle it.

I think i went into my own little world. My husband has his own business and is very successful. My daughter and son work for him and i felt useless as could'nt help them as i was so poorly.

I can also relate to you saying your wife turned into another person as that what my husband said to me some time ago.
Maybe the affair was a wake up call for both of us.

I too am more outgoing and and am alot more cheerful now when my husband comes home from work.
We are also very affectionate now and sit and hold hands most night cuddling up together on the sofa.

He also tells me he loves me more than i will ever know which i do believe.
You sound a lovely couple and i thank you for giving me an insight into how my husband must have been feeling as i never looked at it like that.

I am so pleased to have found this forum. I have been reading alot on here and learnt so much since joining yesterday.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

The hardest part for me (and I'm sure it holds true to your husband as well), was seeing my wife in so much pain and knowing I couldn't help her, knowing I couldn't make the pain go away.

Some times it's really hard to look at life from someone elses shoes. Especially when your shoes have been so battered, torn, uncomfortable and tied very tight.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

You have hit the nail on the head.
My husband just couldn't stand the wife he had become so ill and in so pain either.
He has told me he felt helpless, useless a failure.

We both had so many plans for our future together but it was all wiped out when i became so poorly as we cannot plan anything now. We just take one day at a time and live for today.

Better move as he will be home soon. Not done a thing today.
Enjoy the rest of your day.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

redrainbows said:


> We both had so many plans for our future together but it was all wiped out when i became so poorly as we cannot plan anything now. We just take one day at a time and live for today.


I know the feeling, this is exactly how our lives are...

Take care!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

redrainbows, 

boy does this hit home for me as well, I think for the one person being sick, it's scary and our futures seems uncertain and the thoughts of becoming worse is overwhelming. I know myself I became afraid and I felt like I couldn't keep burdening my husband with my every fear.......I think my husband just didn't know what to do, I think he felt left out and hurt that I tried to handle it all by myself.........I think for the sick one they are trying to stay strong and that is easier without the pity of our spouses...........I think part of it for me was that I thought my husband deserved more than I was giving him at the time, my only focus was me, my health, I forgot about him in the big picture of things..........in no way was his affair okay though, that was such a hurtful thing for him to do, I still have difficulty thinking about it.......comforting someone else while I was sick........it was unbelieveable to me, it was the ultimate selfish act..........
But when you are faced with a change in your life that alters you, you are faced to self reflect and really dig into what is important to our lives and how we chose to spend our time here.
I have been together with my husband for 28 years and I wasn't about to give up on that because of a few weeks of and affair that really meant nothing to either of us........I am so grateful I hung on for US..........he THANKS me now many times as well.
We aren't afraid anymore to lean on each other and it's a great thing, I'm still sick but I am happy that the rest of this marriage will be the way it should have been...........It's never to late if you think about what really is important, affection, just loving one another, caring can get you through anything life throws at you........
so glad you landed here.........


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Jessi, It's great to hear that in the end everything worked out between you and your H. I'm sure Redrainbows needed to hear a story from someone else that was in the same position she is in.

It's hard being put in this situation as it is and I cannot even begin to imagine what things would be like going through an affair whilst having health issues. You women were built to be pretty resilient! Keep on being courageous!


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Jessie thankyou for sharing your story and helping me see there is a light at the end of a the tunnel as they say. 

I felt everything you did when i became sick just like yourself and even told him he would be better off without me.....worst thing now i could have said when i look back.

We went everywhere together and i was the backbone of our family, then became ill and felt helpless and like you only had the energy to think of myself and trying to get well.
It was only after councelling for my illness that i came to terms with being ill and was'nt going to get any better. However my husband just kept ignoring it in the hope it would go away and he would get the OLD ME back.

I would say we are not alot more closer than we ever were and can talk about so many things we couldn't before.
Boy i am so glad i found you all as i am learning alot in just a short time spent chatting with you.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

redrainbows, 

You sound like your thinking is clear and that your focus is now on building a better relationship..........I am glad for you.......I always to say to everyone else when they are having a problem, life is a long time to live and it's crazy to think we can do it without any bumps in the road.........I always say as well there is no shame in asking for help if we need it, we aren't experts and if help is what we need to get through one of those bumps then ask, get the help don't suffer through it on your own.......
I think I realized and I think you have come to that as well, just how strong we are and have become within ourselves.......
I didn't know I had it in me, when I am faced with a lot I know I can survive, not without some tears but I do survive and thrive now because I now know what should be my focus and what I shouldn't waste my time on.............
That has become something I no longer question.........I'm almost 55 years old now, I don't know about you but I feel I have wasted a bit of my life on things and people that mean nothing in the big picture of life............everything in our lives makes us who we are and that is a good thing, l still learn every day..............and I now love like today is my last day.......I will be spending the next oh 40-50 years doing exactly that..........


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Jessie,
I too have become a much stronger person since my husbands affair, in fact a complete different person and no-one will ever hurt me the way he did in my life again.
Yes i agree that it does make you realize who and what is important in your lives. I now stop worrying about trivial things as it just wastes energy. Having a chronic illness i need all my energy keeping myself as well as i can be..

I too am going to look to the future all the years we still have together (god willing) and treasure every single moment.


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