# New here and devastated



## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

I found out on Thanksgiving that my husband of only 6 months cheated on me with an escort. We're both in our mid/late 20s. I found text messages on his phone between the two of them--about their meeting spot (some trashy motel in town), length of time the "session" was arranged for, etc. To make matters worse, we were out of town at his parents' home when I saw the messages. I couldn't hold back my tears and the stabbing pain in my chest. I confronted him about it. He apologized, said he made a terrible mistake, loves me, wants to be with me the rest of his life, etc. If that were true, then WHY would he does this? He swore up and down that it was just a "happy ending" massage. I don't believe it. Not that it really matters exactly what happened. It was still cheating and broke my heart. I've seen websites he's visited on his computer about escort services before. I never really felt like I could confront him though because I didn't have any hard evidence. I did catch him about a year ago though before we were married after having using escort. When that happened, he had been out of town with his younger brother. Again, I found text messages on his phone and an ATM receipt for $1000. He told me that he had hired a stripper for his brother's friend's birthday party. I believe him and somehow forgot about it. I didn't really consider that cheating, even though I didn't really like what he had done.

I think the worst part of this for me is that I actually feel like we have a good relationship. I have been so happy since we got married, and he said, even after all this, that he has been so happy too. He does seem remorseful though, and says how much he fears that he is going to lose the best thing that's happened to him. But I just don't feel like he is telling me the truth, the whole truth, about this most recent escort rendezvous. I have checked the website that he got the escort from and what he says happened does not coincide with what the website describes their services as. I also do not believe that it is the first time he has done this, especially considering that I have seen these websites on his computer before. He says that it is always just been a fantasy for him, and now that he has done it, he knows that it's not worth it.

I don't even know what to think or what to do. I love him so much that it just kills me that this happened. What I would really like, and what he says he wants, is to try and reconcile the situation. We have an appointment with a marriage therapist on Friday to start trying to make things better. However, I still have doubts in my mind. What is really bothering me is that I don't feel like he's being entirely truthful, even after being discovered. that just makes the fear that he'll do it again even worse. And if you'll do something like that after only six months of marriage, what about 20 years down the road? I just feel so hurt, angry, confused, and ashamed. I have no one to talk to about it but him. I don't want to get family or friends involved. That seems like it would just cause more problems. 

If anyone has any feedback, advice, or words of wisdom, I would really appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he's not being truthful

he's only admitting to match the evidence you have found

that's called trickle truth

the real truth is that is very likely he has used prostitutes many times

your first priority is to get std testing
your second is to get a lawyer and find out what your options are and get some paperwork
if you think you can forgive then you present the paperwork and tell him that you now know more and unless he tells you everything you are going to file.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If he's got a 1000 for strippers he has the couple hundred a polygraph costs. Have him take and pay for a polygraph. Cause frankly he really sounds like he's playing you.
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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> he's not being truthful
> 
> he's only admitting to match the evidence you have found
> 
> ...




Should I try with the marriage therapist first? We are supposed to go on Friday. Agree about the STD testing. I am actually going to the doctor this afternoon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are here.

You "had" a good relationship. I'm sorry to say that it will never be "good" again. We cheaters make "good" marriages into "okay" or "done" by our actions.

Get an annulment and move on.

And do what Almostrecoverd is recommending.

Good luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

MC only works if he is committed to doing the heavy lifting, unless he tells you the entire truth it won't work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> You "had" a good relationship. I'm sorry to say that it will never be "good" again. We cheaters make "good" marriages into "okay" or "done" by our actions.
> 
> ...


"Get an annulment and move on"
I wish it was that easy, but it's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Nothing is easy after the marriage has been impacted by an affair. If you want a marriage to continue that already has trust issues this early, that's your choice. I'm only expressing my opinion. And I'm the one who had an EA in my marriage. 

I wish you the best, but plan for the worst.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Dee---stop making excuses---if you are too scared to take this situation head on, then just tuck your tail between your legs, and go quietly into the night!!!!!

He is cheating on you with *****s---you knew about it before you got married, and you still married him

It is still happening, and you still do nothing---SO WHAT IS IT YOU WANT---Don't tell us you can't get an Anulment, or D., cuz you certainly can

You are in the part of the mge., where the spouses, are starry-eyed, and see NO ONE ELSE, and you, you got a H., that seeks out *****s---and you do nothing about it---

Either end this farcical mge., or suck it up, and live in misery---tis your choice---BUT IF YOU ARE GONNA CONTINUE TO JUST DO NOTHING, AND WATCH FROM THE SIDELINES---STOP SQUAWKING----you have no right to complain, if you refuse to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

Ok, this is exactly what I was NOT looking for. I am NOT sitting around and doing nothing about this and take great offense to that accusation. I have been to the doctor to get tested (all checked out fine), we have an appt with a marriage counselor, I have an appt with an individual counselor, and we also have an appointment for a polygraph that he has agreed to. I asked for all his acct information and he has complied with that. I don't think that is doing nothing and it is hurtful for others to be accusing me of doing nothing.

I do realize I have options. I can stay or I can go. I can easily get a divorce. But what you all are missing here is that going is not the path I am wanting to take right NOW (who knows what I'll be saying in a month from now). I would like to try and sort things out, figure out where things went wrong, and see IF we can change things. I realize that there are risks in doing that and also know that it may happen again. Much in life is a gamble, and I am willing to take it and deal with the consequences if they come. I'm not dumb. I am actually a therapist myself (work with other issues--not couples/marriage), so I do know a thing or two. 

What I do need is support. I was wanting a place to voice my feelings with people who understand those feelings. I don't think anyone can truly understand what it feels like to be cheated on until it has happened to them. My husband will listen to me and cry with my all day long, but at the end of it, I know that what he is feeling and what I am feeling are probably completely different. I thought this might be a good place to come...find people who've been there (or are there) and can just understand. I want some reassurance that I won't feel like I am dying inside each day for the rest of my life. I want understanding for what I am going through--not bashing, questioning, or commands. At the end of the day, the choice is mine (and to some extent his). I do realize that many of you may have been trying to be helpful, but it felt anything but that to me. I have voiced my needs, but if that is not what this forum is for, then perhaps I need to look elsewhere for support.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hello from the other Dee

Lots of us here, including me, have been "cheated on" by our spouses.
My husband has a ONS with an ex gf. The pain you feel is horrible... and real, and doesn't go away for a long time. It's not something I would wish on anyone.

Having said that, some people do choose to rebuild their marriages, most don't. Most don't get over it, and the marriage ends.

Take your time, vent. Discovery is likely something you wont' ever forget. Other people.. they've been there, only to discover that what you know might only be a tiny bit of the truth. That was meant to be helpful. It's not pretty... but the "club" as it's known... betrayors do sort of follow a pattern. A script. Things they might do and say, they are sharing their experiences to better prepare you for the fact that it "might" be worse than you think it is.

Regardless of what the real truth turns out to be... it is your choice in the end to stay or go. Some say it can be fixed. If certain things are done. If he does what needs to be done to be remorseful, and makes true changes and consistently shows you his actions are to be faithful and committed to the marriage.

That is a ways down the road.

First you need time to absorb what has happened. And accept the whole story. 

I'm so sorry you are here. But many of us are here with you. And it sucks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

dee515 said:


> What I do need is support. I was wanting a place to voice my feelings with people who understand those feelings. I don't think anyone can truly understand what it feels like to be cheated on until it has happened to them.


Been there, done that, TWICE. This is the Coping With Infidelity forum where most of us are Betrayed Spouses (BS), so please don't think for a moment that people here don't know what you're going through.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've been exactly where you are - my husband even hired a hooker once.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. I am with my husband today and we are very happy, but it's been a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong road.


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I've been exactly where you are - my husband even hired a hooker once.
> 
> Only you can decide when enough is enough. I am with my husband today and we are very happy, but it's been a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong road.


I guess I am wondering what all the long road entails? He has told me that he will do anything I ask of him to make this work (which I do realize is probably typical of spouses that cheat), but I am not even sure of what to tell him. We are seeing a highly reccommended marriage therapist that deals with infidelity tomorrow, so I guess that is a good place to start. He keeps asking me what I need from him and what he can do to help me, and I am not even sure what I actually need. Suggestions there would be good. Was there anything you found particularly helpful in forgiving and learning to deal with all the terrible roller coaster emotions? Thank you again so much.


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

This has been the hardest weeks of my life. But a little update...I followed-up on some of the advice I've gotten here and am glad I did. Got STD tested (all checked out). Exposed him to his family. Told him that I needed the truth, passwords, etc. or i would file for divorce. He freaked out at first and drug his heals. So I told him to leave. Long story short... His dad came in town the next day, and I don't know what he said, but husband has turned a corner since. He has told me much more of the truth--based on the evidence I do have, it seems to actually be the full truth this time. I'm not being an idiot--I do realize there may be more. He has been so remorseful...and feels like sh!t about himself. I think he is humiliated, as he should be. We are seeing the MC and he is going to IC to deal with his "problem." I think the best thing that happened to us was going to church yesterday. Neither of us have been in over a year, and it was like the sermon was written for us and our situation. It was about forgiving ourselves and offering forgiveness to others. Weird but comforting. I'm trying to pray for strength, wisdom, clarity, and hope. 

The hardest part for me right now is not that he did it--yes, it disgusts me and hurts so bad, but right now, I am just so filled with fear about the future. One day at a time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's all any of us can do, one day at a time. 

Unfortunately, you have only started your journey down a rough road. A road that had the landscape changed by an affair. Things will never look exactly like they once did. But, you can make it turn out the way that works best. 

You will dictate your future. Take the time to make wise decisions.


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

I agree. Things are just so uncertain and that is so hard. Thanks for your words. Trying to focus on the day in front of me instead of the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Dee I am new here and it was obvious there are people on this forum that have been to hell and back,some still on route!!
I have been on route for 18 months with lies and smoking guns turning up at every junction, I once said to my wife, I could leave this world happy as long as her face was the last thing I saw before leaving. It doesnt look like that will be happening now.I dont think I can accept the endless suspicion for much longer.
I can understand those who say you should exit and I understand why you are prepared to work it out if it is possible.
If you have the desire to try and work it out and he lets you down again, it may make the exit that much easier

through adversity our spirits are fashioned


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> You "had" a good relationship. I'm sorry to say that it will never be "good" again. We cheaters make "good" marriages into "okay" or "done" by our actions.
> 
> ...


I must agree. It will probably never again be what you want it to be. I love my H, but the pain of his betrayal will hurt me for the rest of time. I will never again feel about him what I felt before this A. If I were young and just starting out with a marriage marred by cheating, I would absolutely end the relationship.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

boto227 said:


> Dee I am new here and it was obvious there are people on this forum that have been to hell and back,some still on route!!
> 
> I have been on route for 18 months with lies and smoking guns turning up at every junction, I once said to my wife, I could leave this world happy as long as her face was the last thing I saw before leaving. It doesnt look like that will be happening now.I dont think I can accept the endless suspicion for much longer.
> 
> ...


 



Your situation would be slightly more tolerable than others. An emotional, long term affair or being in love with someone else is harder to deal with than what your husband did. yes, I think I would feel the same digust you do, and I do, as my H got himself a bj from an ex gf. It was in a bar stock room, very unpersonal and maybe different than someone who has become emotionally attached to their fling. 



But then there is the concept that they could "use" someone like that for sex. You know what my H said about it? He could never "just" have sex with me. He could never think about using me for sex. But someone else... that's another story. They are just there for that purpose, and nothing else. Sounds like a 20 yr old guy at a bar. Emotionally, sometimes I think he is 20. And your H is in his 20's.



I'm not trying to defend what your H did. But I see it as similar to using porn. Taking a fantasy further. He paid her. That made it just about sex. No strings. 

I have to ask... does this say his moral beliefs are along the lines that it is okay to do this? Does he think it was wrong, or he is just upset that it has caused damage to his marriage? (Some people would think it was okay to use an escort)


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

deejov said:


> Your situation would be slightly more tolerable than others. An emotional, long term affair or being in love with someone else is harder to deal with than what your husband did. yes, I think I would feel the same digust you do, and I do, as my H got himself a bj from an ex gf. It was in a bar stock room, very unpersonal and maybe different than someone who has become emotionally attached to their fling.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


H is (and seems) terribly sorry. He says he is ashamed of himself and does not know what is wrong with him that he would do those things, hurt me, and put the most important thing in his life in jeopardy. He does NOT think what he did is right in any way. He said he had hoped that getting married would be enough to make him stop, but he obviously hasn’t and is getting professional help.

I do not in any way think what he did was right. I think it is terrible, disgusting, hurtful, and immoral. He thinks the same, and I don’t think he is just saying that because he doesn’t want to lose the marriage. In every other aspect, he is a very upstanding man, well respected at work, good family, has religious values, etc. I do agree with you though that it is different than an affair…there was no emotion tied to it. That would be much harder for me—not that this isn’t hard. 

I am just moving forward with eyes wide open…I do THINK I believe what he says, but am taking it with a grain of salt. His actions will speak for themselves.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes actions will speak for him more than his words will.
Just wanted to say hang in there. Maybe tomorrow will be better


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