# I was wrong. I cheated. Now what do I do?



## phen (Aug 7, 2013)

Hello everyone, I've been reading through all the threads here and I feel that I'm strong enough to post my story. I'm hoping I can get some help as to how I should move on in my marriage. 

I've been married for 12 years. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date until many years later. Things were great in the beginning. He was a loving and caring man, always looked out for me and the kids, and he is very intelligent. He always had my back and I always had his. It was never any doubt in my mind that he was my soul mate. 

Things started to go sour once we had our 3rd child. I've always been a small petite woman. I was around 105 when we got married but I've gained weight over the years. After having our third child, I tipped the scales at close to 200 pounds. 

My husband has always given me a hard time for this. It started off as playful gestures and hints about my weight. It eventually became face to face insults. It got so bad that he would make comments about my weight to his friends. Some of the cruel names he used was tub of lard, blubber butt, and pig face. It was very hurtful and I've often cried secretly about this.

I sat down with him on this issue numerous times and I told him how this all made me feel. He said that he would stop and that although he makes jokes, he claimed to still love me. If he did love me, I sure didn't feel it. I felt like my sole purpose was to work, take care of the kids, and then pleasure him whenever he wanted sex. I felt that I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. He would stop with all the verbal abuse for a few days and then it would start right back up again.

Now my husband is a truck driver so he is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he is home, he is technically on call although they don't call him much. He does help a little around the house but most of the time, he hangs out with his buddies and invites them over on occasion.

He has one friend who comes over all the time to hang with him. He's a friendly guy but at the time, I never looked at him sexually and I didn't really find him attractive. I'll try to summarize this since it's getting long but me and this friend started to talk. We eventually became text buddies. He invited to take me to dinner but I initially declined out of respect for my husband. I eventually took him up on that offer at a time I was feeling depressed and upset with my husband. Our friendship eventually turned into a sexual relationship. This man loved me for who I am. He never talked about my weight. He told me that I was beautiful. He reminded me so much of how my husband treated me during our better days.

Some other of my husbands friends knew about the relationship and told my husband. I didn't know at the time but my husband pretended to go out on a run and said he would be back in a few days. He got someone to follow me around and he eventually caught me at his friends apartment. We were not having sex at the time but it was all the evidence my husband needed.

So now, this is where we are. He had a big fight with his friend and they are no longer talking. My husband says he wants to work on the marriage and he is willing to make changes. On one hand, I'm all for it. This is the father of my kids and I've always loved him. However, I still have very strong feelings for his friend. I'm ashamed to say but although my husband told me not to talk to him anymore, I've still been talking to him through skype. He told me that he understands if I still want to work on the marriage with my husband but he also told me that he still has feelings for me. We've found a way to sleep with each other without anyone noticing or following me and this has been going on for the past couple of weeks. 

I do feel disgusted about this but I can't ignore my feelings either. I can't tell my husband that I want to divorce because frankly, I still love him and I still want him in my life. I'm also still in love with his friend and even though I've tried to forget him and try to move on, I keep coming back to him. My instinct tells me to try to make it work with my husband and if it doesn't work out, I could always fall back to the other guy. But, what if it does work out with my husband? How can I stop thinking about the other man and move on with my life?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You have boundary issues. What your husband did w.r.t. your weight was wrong and you two should have started MC back then. You also had to start exercising, instead of choosing to cheat, if you loved your husband as you claim.

If you want to stay married, you need to stop cheating, write a NC letter to your AP, stop all contact with AP, come clean about everything to your husband and family members (that means your and your husband's parents), start MC and IC, and work on yourself.

But before you go doing all this, ask yourself, why do you want to stay in this marriage. If your answer is that you want to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children, that would be the wrong answer. If you say that, you want to stay because you have learned your mistake, and are remorseful then may be you have a chance. But you are not remorseful and that's why you're still doing the dirty with the OM. If this continues, then your marriage is over. Then do the only honorable thing you can, and divorce your husband. And dump the AP. No honorable man has affair with a married woman, let alone a friend's wife. This alone should have given you a pause before you took the affair any further. But you got issues in the field of morality as we have already discussed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well you will be divorced soon if your husband finds out about you screwing his former friend behind his back.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

phen said:


> It got so bad that he would make comments about my weight to his friends. Some of the cruel names he used was tub of lard, blubber butt, and pig face. It was very hurtful and I've often cried secretly about this.
> 
> He has one friend who comes over all the time to hang with him. Our friendship eventually turned into a sexual relationship.
> 
> ...


I feel sorry for you because of the way your husband treats you. The names he called you. That is very, very cruel.

I feel sorry for your husband because you are cheating on him and lying to him.

I feel sorry for other man, because you plan to string him along and put him on the backburner while you "try" with your husband.

What do you think of the morals of other man, who set out to woo the wife of his good friend and is now having sex with her behind his back? Despite the fact that he says he loves you and doesn't call you names, what redeeming qualities do you see in someone who is willing to do this? At least you have some mitigating circumstances, your husband's horrible treatment of you. What is his excuse for this betrayal of friendship?

What do you honestly think is the right thing to do? Maybe your instinct should tell you to ditch the cruel husband and also to ditch the backstabbing friend.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

You cannot have both. Make your decision wisely, but this is a decision that you must make. I'm pretty sure the feelings you have for this other guy are nothing more than excitement and validation which if you do it right, your husband can provide. Your H made himself look like an ass they way he treated you. But I can imagine how humiliated and hurt that must have felt. Sounds like there are some hardcore issues that need ironing out. It'd be allot of work. What's your marriage worth to you ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I basically you are still 100% cheating, and you never stopped.

Well, you got caught once, you'll get caught again, just a matter of time.

You better make plans for how you will share custody of the kids because you've chosen to blow your second chance with your husband.

This guy has never been a friend to your husband, not ever , he's an opportunist scumbag who saw an opportunity an decided to exploit it - and all it's cost you is your marriage, and your children's family.

My advice: come clean to your husband, offer him a generous divorce and at least 50% custody, and zero support for you. Your bf can pay your way, you shouldn't ask for anything from your husband.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well you have a decision to make you can either have morals or not. You can have honor or not. You can have integrity or not. What you are doing is making a choice every day to be the kind of wife no one wants. The kind of person no one trusts.

You don't have to be that person but until you make the opposite choice you will continue to betray the one person who has always been by your side. Who has always loved you. Who has never left you. And by that I mean what you are doing is betraying yourself.

Oh and by the way what your husband did is worth divorce. But that does not excuse your choice to cheat. These are separate issues. When your husband finds out that guy is going to be in REAL trouble. And you will have nothing not even you honor. Make the choice to be the hero of your own story not the villain.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Going back your title.

1. You are still cheating, so it's a false title to say you cheated in the past tense. You are cheating,

2. What you need to do is stop betraying your husband and stop cheating.

3. Keep the scumbag guy who would cheat with a "friends" wife away from your kids or they just might pick up his morals, and grow up like him.

Added...

4. Send your husband here,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are trying to chose between two men. That's the wrong way to go.

The affair partner? Only 3% of this type of relationships ever last long after the spouse finds out. If you chose the OM, know that you will most likely be alone before too long. Affairs on built on fantasy. He has not had to deal with raising your children yet. Enter the children and your relationship with him goes south (most likely).

Your husband has a long history of emotional abuse. Do you even trust him enough to give him another chance?

My suggestion is that you give you husband a conditional chance. Give the marriage 6 months with you doing what WS have to do to rebuild your trustworthiness. And then you both do what is needed to rebuild your marriage.

Start with the books (in this order) "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"....

And while you are rebuilding your trustworthiness and your marriage... work on yourself. You let your husband's negativity define you. Stop that already. Start to love yourself. Get help with your weight. First thing is to get your thyroid checked. Then work on your weight/health. FOR YOU. 

If your husband does not treat you well then divorce him.


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## phen (Aug 7, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I feel sorry for you because of the way your husband treats you. The names he called you. That is very, very cruel.
> 
> I feel sorry for your husband because you are cheating on him and lying to him.
> 
> ...


I really don't see it as stringing his friend along. He has told me multiple times that he's fine either way and that he understands if I choose to try to work it out with my husband. 

As far as the backstabbing is concerned, I've never looked at it like that. He did not aggressively pursue me and we are both adults that made out own decisions. I didn't see it at first but he told me that he felt bad about the way my husband treated me. He said that I deserved to be showed love and respect which is something that he has given me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't help but think your pulling his comments out as nothing more than justification for your choice to cheat, and its worked as a number of other posters here have bought into it. That surprises me as most people here typically see right through the history rewriting and affair justification double talk.

Bottom line - you know what's right and wrong, and you are choosing the wrong choice and are justifying your choice to cheat by falsely blaming it on your husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

phen said:


> I really don't see it as stringing his friend along. He has told me multiple times that he's fine either way and that he understands if I choose to try to work it out with my husband.
> 
> As far as the backstabbing is concerned, I've never looked at it like that. He did not aggressively pursue me and we are both adults that made out own decisions. I didn't see it at first but he told me that he felt bad about the way my husband treated me. He said that I deserved to be showed love and respect which is something that he has given me.


Why do you call him your husbands friend?

He's never been, and never will be your husbands friend. Friends don't backstab you and destroy your family. If anything, he's your husband worst enemy in the world.


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## phen (Aug 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> You cannot have both. Make your decision wisely, but this is a decision that you must make. I'm pretty sure the feelings you have for this other guy are nothing more than excitement and validation which if you do it right, your husband can provide. Your H made himself look like an ass they way he treated you. But I can imagine how humiliated and hurt that must have felt. Sounds like there are some hardcore issues that need ironing out. It'd be allot of work. What's your marriage worth to you ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My marriage is worth a lot to me and that's why I would like for things to work out. When you say I should play my cards right, what do you mean? I don't have a lot of hope for my husband at least with the abuse. He would always say he would stop and then it would start up again. I want him to change permanently, not just long enough for him to suck me in again and then I end up right back where I started.


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## phen (Aug 7, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Why do you call him your husbands friend?
> 
> He's never been, and never will be your husbands friend. Friends don't backstab you and destroy your family. If anything, he's your husband worst enemy in the world.


I stand by the fact that they were friends. I think our affair was mostly because of our compatibility and less about the relationship he had with my husband. We were drawn to each other the more we talked. It never had anything to do with their relationship although I will admit that it was bad how he helped me to try to hide this from my husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

phen said:


> I stand by the fact that they were friends. I think our affair was mostly because of our compatibility and less about the relationship he had with my husband. We were drawn to each other the more we talked. It never had anything to do with their relationship although I will admit that it was bad how he helped me to try to hide this from my husband.


Friends simply don't do what he chose to do. A man with even a small amount of integrity would not have even started texting you.

Those words of encouragement and sweet talk, you don't seem to realize that it's 100% lies meant to only get you into bed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Friends simply don't do what he chose to do. A man with even a small amount of integrity would not have even started texting you.
> 
> Those words of encouragement and sweet talk, you don't seem to realize that it's 100% lies meant to only get you into bed.


BINGO!!:iagree:


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

phen said:


> My marriage is worth a lot to me and that's why I would like for things to work out. When you say I should play my cards right, what do you mean? I don't have a lot of hope for my husband at least with the abuse. He would always say he would stop and then it would start up again. I want him to change permanently, not just long enough for him to suck me in again and then I end up right back where I started.


I am confused by your comments. If your marriage means allot, end the affair. You cannot focus on rebuilding your marriage when you are in another relationship. If you are tired of the abuse, why work on the marriage.? I think you are confused yourself. Perhaps you need to take some time alone without either man and make some decisions for yourself. What is it you really want? Are you just fooling yourself into thinking this OM is mr. Right? What's the best thing for the kids? Do they see this abuse? Do they know about this OM? Is this OM ready to become an adopted daddy? Are you ready to stick up for yourself and demand respect? Can your husband give you respect after this affair? Or will he treat you worse?

Girl, you got some thinking to do. Just saying ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I feel sorry for you because of the way your husband treats you. The names he called you. That is very, very cruel.
> 
> I feel sorry for your husband because you are cheating on him and lying to him.
> 
> ...


I agree with all said here. 

There are no choices that aren't painful. 

If you continue your relationship with your affair partner, you will get caught. He found out once before and went to great lengths to do it. He will find out again. Then the choice will be made for you.

If you even consider leaving your husband for your affair partner, you need to examine why you have feelings for him. He is not an honorable man. You have feelings for him because he makes you feel good about yourself ... not because of who he is but because you are insecure. First of all, an affair is a terrible basis for any relationship ... it almost never works and no matter what you may feel at the moment, you are not an exception. Secondly, you are not emotionally healthy right now and he makes you forget that. That is also a terrible basis for a relationship. You need to be confident in yourself and be able to accept yourself before you have a chance at a healthy relationship. Objectively, he is not an honorable man. He doesn't deserve you and you need to believe that. It is your own weakness and failings that make the affair work. If you were a strong, self-assured person, you would recognize him for what he is.

If you choose to devote yourself to your marriage then you need to consider that fixing what is broken in your marriage is not the highest priority. You will need to regain your partner's trust above all else. Your husband is emotionally abusive, playing on your insecurities and reinforcing them, and that needs to stop but you have tied your hands behind your back. You can't blame him for your poor choices. You can't blame him for driving you into an affair. It was a choice you made all on your own. You had the opportunity to work on that aspect of your marriage or divorce but instead you chose to have an affair. You may feel like you got sucked into the affair but at the end of the day, you still made those choices. Your husband is cruel and you need to consider that it will not change easily and that you gave up the morale high ground, making it all that much more difficult.

Choosing to divorce/separate AND calling it off with your affair partner is also a painful choice. It may be the correct choice. You need to get right with yourself.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

phen said:


> I stand by the fact that they were friends. I think our affair was mostly because of our compatibility and less about the relationship he had with my husband. We were drawn to each other the more we talked. It never had anything to do with their relationship although I will admit that it was bad how he helped me to try to hide this from my husband.


What the hell!!!!! The man fvcked his friends wife!!! Hiding it is not even on that list as far as bad things go. I am done good luck with your divorce.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

phen said:


> Hello everyone, I've been reading through all the threads here and I feel that I'm strong enough to post my story. I'm hoping I can get some help as to how I should move on in my marriage.
> 
> I've been married for 12 years. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date until many years later. Things were great in the beginning. He was a loving and caring man, always looked out for me and the kids, and he is very intelligent. He always had my back and I always had his. It was never any doubt in my mind that he was my soul mate.
> 
> ...


ummm....OK, you were eating a sh!t sandwich but you wanted cake. You got cake. However, you've kept eating the sh!t sandwich and skolling down the cake chasers. Now you are busted and the penny has dropped for Hubby that he is the sh!t sandwich. Time's up sunshine - sh!t sandwich or cake?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband has said some very hurtful things to you and he has not stopped. You are committing one of the biggest marriage killers in existence. Both have to be changed permantely and RIGHT NOW if your marriage is going to continue.

You are in a fog. The OM is making you feel like he is fulfilling you in ways that you desperately want. However, you both are also destroying each other’s integrity. You say that you love your husband but if you do, your love is weaker than your love for having the OM do something for you.

You are in a fog with this other betrayer. *Do you realty think that if you lived with this OM for a year or two that he is going to still be fulfilling you? *When he has to put up with your baggage and you put up with his how do you think that will affect your relationship? He knows that you are not trustworthy and you know that he will sacrifice his friendship with your husband so that he can bang you.

Do you think that this man is going to love and support your children like the children’s father? *After putting up with your baggage, your children, and without any trust how long do you think your fog is going to last?*

At this point you are a foolish woman that is going to pay a price for your betrayals. If you go with the other man your relationship with him has about a 1-10% chance of surviving. If your husband is a good man then he will be so much better for your children than the OM. *Do you really think that men are going to marry a cheater that has three children from another man and you will live happily ever after?*

If you were ever to go gamboling in Las Vegas you would always lose. You do not know how to play the odds at all

If your husband does not get better and continues to tears you down then divorce him and get a lot of help on how you can choose another man if that is what you want. You have very poor judgment to choose to cheat with a man that says that he is your husband’s friend and then joins you in cheating behind your husband’s back

When you and your husband hurt each other you hurt your children. *They are innocent and you both are responsible for protecting them. Think about putting your children ahead of your desires*




Blunt


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I don't really think you're "in love" with the friend. He's obviously giving you attention, telling you you're beautiful and that he cares about you etc. so it may FEEL like love but it's actually not. He's only using you for sex, you need to understand that. He doesn't really care about you or your kids. 

If you want to continue with the marriage you need to cut off ALL contact with the friend. No skyping or meeting or anything. You need to start marriage counselling with your husband too. ONLY do this if you REALLY want to reconcile and make your marriage work. There is no point in going for counselling if you're thinking about this other dude. 

If you plan on getting back with your husband you need to start working out and eating healthy too. When your husband calls you fat or whatever fair enough that is wrong and TOTALLY unacceptable, BUT if you both want to reconcile he needs to stop and change and so do you. Otherwise your relationship is just going to go round in circles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Insulting people is awful, but when your husband started giving you hints about your weight why did you not go on a diet and hit the gym instead of hitting on POSOM? Most men like attractive wives, they like to be proud and they like to be sexually attracted to their wife.
You chose the wrong path. Your husband will find out about you banging 'his friend' and will divorce you. Do you think your lover will take you in with 3 children? No, he will have his fill and drop you like a hot potato.
Make your decision now or face the sh..t that will fly straight in your face when it hits the fan.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Friends simply don't do what he chose to do. A man with even a small amount of integrity would not have even started texting you.
> 
> Those words of encouragement and sweet talk, you don't seem to realize that it's 100% lies meant to only get you into bed.


Why do you think your lover is fine if you want to work on your marriage. If he is in love he would want you to himself. He is not in love period. He is the typical affair partner that knew your weakness and knows what you need due to your confessions to him. He has used that information to allow you to feel he is perfect for you, when in fact he really does not care what you do as long as he continues to get a piece of a**.

Wake up. You are destroying everything due to mere insecurity. I do not think your husband has treated you well, but that is between the two of you, and you should go to counseling to work on that part of the marriage. If you are not happy then you need to divorce. You have legitimate options that do not include stabbing your H in the back. What your H has done are nothing compared to what you are doing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I feel bad for your kids growing up in this dysfunctional family environment that you have built. I hope they come to realize that the examaples set by their parents is not healthy. 

As for your husbands friend. He could not be even remotely considered to be his friend or a friend of your marriage. They guy is a pos. he played you to get in your pants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

I love these elaborate back stories before they finally get to the point. LOL


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand what you want here. Do you want to stay married but screw your OM? You can't do that, either you want in or out of your marriage. You have good reason to get out, based on past behavior your hb will probably go right back to trashing you once he thinks you're back in. You also have to understand that your marriage must be evaluated on it's own merits, not whether you have someone else. My suggestion is to either leave the marriage or try MC if you want the marriage, but if that's the case OM must go. Personally I wouldn't stay married to someone that abused me like your hb has you, but that's me. The man trashed you in front of his friends, he has absolutely no respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think at this point you need to cut all ties with the OM and separate from your husband. Of you think he was mean then now that you have betrayed him you lost that last 1 oz of respect, and with all reason. You banged his friend, his other friends found out, if you could not get him to stop insulting you for your weight what makes you think he will treat you better now. You need to work on you before you can have a relationship with anyone. You need to find a way to stand up for yourself and to find boundries. You turned a bad situation to crap. Tell your husband you need to work on yourself but don't go wild and start sleeping with others. You need to be alone to make any progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell your husband that you are still having an affair. Be honest with him. Send him here to tell his side of the story. This is a mess. You will not find happiness with a cheater. You may not find happiness with your husband. How would you feel if your husband had an affair like you did? It does seem like you and your husband do not respect each other.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would certainly like to see if his side of the story. Please do send your husband here. 

Why do you want your husband back if he was so bad to you? Are you sure you are being fair with your descriptions of him? It is common to rewrite marital history while in an affair. Just asking not accusing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Choose one or neither, but you can't have both. 

Just remember, your still in a honeymoon phase with this other guy. He knew you were married, yet seeked you out any how. This man has no morals of his own. Both men sound like jerks. 

Personally, your better off with a new man if your husband doesn't stop with the jokes and the bullying of your weight. My ex h teased me of my weight during my pregnancy. I gained 100lbs. Those words stayed with me for the last 19 years. Every once in a while they still pop up and it's disgusting. I ended up leaving him and finding a man who respected me. I never cheated on my ex h even though he did cheat on me.

You need to work on yourself and find a way not to cheat on others no matter what the situation may be. There is no justification for infidelity, ever!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Phen, I'm taking what you say at face value. You husband likes skinny women and subjected you to verbal abuse when you put on the pounds. I have no empathy for him regarding your cheating. When folks are not respected by and treated badly by their spouse, many will fall pray to an affair with someone who appears to appreciate them.
Your husband appears to be an abusive individual and will not likely change his behavior. On top of your weight gain, he now has your cheating in his arsenal. Give it three weeks or a month and you'll see what I mean.
As for you, I don't endorse messing around with his friend but I understand how you got there. You ain't the first and won't be the last to go down this road.
If you were my sister, I'd recommend losing both the weight and the husband. Both are bad for your physical and psychological health. (you may want to consider gastric bypass surgery)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I can't help but think your pulling his comments out as nothing more than justification for your choice to cheat, and its worked as a number of other posters here have bought into it. That surprises me as most people here typically see right through the history rewriting and affair justification double talk.
> 
> Bottom line - you know what's right and wrong, and you are choosing the wrong choice and are justifying your choice to cheat by falsely blaming it on your husband.


This is where I want to call a time out and see what is the truth here. I realize that there are circumstances where a WS will demonize a BS to justify an affair. But not all of these circumstances are exactly the same. The script may be similar, but the original decision to cheat is not always the same. I think it is pretty hard to not have a clear understanding of how frequently her H called her derogatory names because of her weight. Was it once a month, once a week, daily? If the OP comes back, she can answer that. 

She made a terrible and morally repugnant decision to cheat on her husband. But at the root of it, her husband pushed her to the point that she reacted to his abuse. Obviously she reacted the wrong way, but she reacted. 

This fog stuff is used just as much as a crutch by the BS to rationalize away a situation as much as it is used to accurately describe what is really going on. She did what? It's the fog! She no longer loves me? Nah...it's just the fog! She can't stop seeing him? It's not you, just the fog!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

phen said:


> I stand by the fact that they were friends. I think our affair was mostly because of our compatibility and less about the relationship he had with my husband. We were drawn to each other the more we talked. It never had anything to do with their relationship although I will admit that it was bad how he helped me to try to hide this from my husband.


Your husband may have felt this guy was a friend. But this guy is NO FRIEND to your husband. A friend doesn't bed your wife, shooting spunk into her and betraying the most sacred thing in your life....Just saying...

You are extremely cold and calculating about this whole thing. Why don't you just tell your husband. I don't like how you treat me. I'm banging "friend". I want a divorce. Why string along a bad marriage, made worse by betrayal and abuse?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Both men are losers. One is an unrepentant abuser and the other is a scum opportunist who moved in to steal his friend's wife. 

I guess you are stuck having to decide which sack of crap is less noxious. 

Or you could dump the boyfriend, divorce your abusive husband and actually try being your own independent person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

phen said:


> I do feel disgusted about this but I can't ignore my feelings either.


You can, you don't want. I get it, understand it, its just being honest about it.

You need to decide what kind of woman you are, what kind of woman you want to be in the future, what you want to teach your kids. Resuming you need to go back to the basics, they never change, they were right all the time, you are now just ingnoring them out of immediate self gratification becasue you are in crack. Honesty, integrity, self respect, resopnsability, autenticithy... all is gone now. Do you like who you are now?
You are facing a false choice here, it's not about your husband or OM, it's about who you are. In order to think clearly and make sound decisions you need to stop this nonsense and later decide about the marriage. It's possible you can decide later to drop your husband too bt you can't think clearly while f'king this fake friend of you nad your husband which of course don't pressure because he's so noble.
First regain your dignity, decide, choose and the we can help you with...


> How can I stop thinking about the other man and move on with my life?


It's going to be very hard but it's actuall very simple. Hard decision to come if you decide to end this horrible crap, and things will get worse before they start getting better. The only way is through. Those are the steps:
- Come clean to your husband about the false R, apologize and tell him you are commited to stop now for good.
- Send a standard NC letter to OM (with your husband aproval), ask us for templates.
- Surrender all the ways to comunicate with this man. Give your husband the passwords, pins, everything you used to comunicate with OM, inclusing the new secret ways he's unaware of. Block him from your phone, delete your email accounts, give up internet altogether if needed, at least until you get past the worse part of withdrawal, change your phone to a new one your husband can monitor, bring home someone who can make you accountable of your whereabouts for a while... you know the details, force yourself to stop using whatever is needed. If you have the will you will put whatever barriers between you and OM you know you can break. You are smart and know all the tricks, just renounce to them.
- Get an STD test.
- Get rid of clothes used in your trysts, mementoes, gifd, pictures, love letters, whatever.

A day after the other, a choice after the other, choosing dayly, hourly. Don't falling for mind tricks, rejecting the falacy of "closure", no bargaining, refusing to give up on yourself anymore: marriage can survice, maybe not but still, if you don't have energies for anything else spend them in sticking to NC becasue it's about who you are not about who you are with.
Commit to a mental diet, help yourself by managing your thoughts by visualizing an STOP sign, by using a rubber band and telling out loud NO, by imagining a picture of your desolated kids... something on the line.
Anxiety, depression will pass, you won't die.
Get yourself busy body and mind, exhaust yourself.
Another day, then the next.
No short cuts, only through. Hard but doable.
This might help you, speciall yif you are religious: Withdrawal Survival Guide


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

You didn't deserve the cruel treatment from your husband, however you are being cruel to your husband right now. I don't think he will be so forgiving when you get caught this time.

Love doesn't do what you are doing. If you really loved him you would really try with your husband


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

phen said:


> I really don't see it as stringing his friend along. He has told me multiple times that he's fine either way and that he understands if I choose to try to work it out with my husband.
> 
> As far as the backstabbing is concerned, I've never looked at it like that. He did not aggressively pursue me and we are both adults that made out own decisions. I didn't see it at first but he told me that he felt bad about the way my husband treated me. He said that I deserved to be showed love and respect which is something that he has given me.


That is quite sad Phen. Because any man that chooses to cheat with a married woman is neither respectful of you or your husband (his friend).

Neither is that love. It is fantasy.

And you so badly want to believe that you love the OM and he loves you. 

You need to fix you Phen. And you need to start by being honest 100% with not only your Husband with yourself.

Because you are still lying and cheating. And it is going to cause more pain for you, your H and your family.

HM64


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> This is where I want to call a time out and see what is the truth here. I realize that there are circumstances where a WS will demonize a BS to justify an affair. But not all of these circumstances are exactly the same. The script may be similar, but the original decision to cheat is not always the same. I think it is pretty hard to not have a clear understanding of how frequently her H called her derogatory names because of her weight. Was it once a month, once a week, daily? If the OP comes back, she can answer that.
> 
> She made a terrible and morally repugnant decision to cheat on her husband. But at the root of it, her husband pushed her to the point that she reacted to his abuse. Obviously she reacted the wrong way, but she reacted.
> 
> This fog stuff is used just as much as a crutch by the BS to rationalize away a situation as much as it is used to accurately describe what is really going on. She did what? It's the fog! She no longer loves me? Nah...it's just the fog! She can't stop seeing him? It's not you, just the fog!


Can't it be both? My stbxw fell in love with another man, she then had EA's with other men besides the two men she loved. I think she was in a "fog" but she also didn't love me. I know I had my problems in my marriage and lack of communication was key but in no way should that be justification to cheat. 

He called her derogatory names, which is horrible but she could have dealt with that issue in itself. Maybe that one issue leads to separation or divorce, or maybe it leads to him changing.In either case it's super hard for me to take cheating. Be honest and either tell him how you feel or leave him.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Phen,

I know you are loving it with two men. It makes you feel so important and good about yourself. Wait until you find out how easy it is to go from two to none.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear phen,

Let's analyze what you've said so far:



phen said:


> Hello everyone, I've been reading through all the threads here and I feel that I'm strong enough to post my story. I'm hoping I can get some help as to how I should move on in my marriage.
> 
> *I've been married for 12 years. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date until many years later. Things were great in the beginning. He was a loving and caring man, always looked out for me and the kids, and he is very intelligent. He always had my back and I always had his. It was never any doubt in my mind that he was my soul mate. [So, in the beginning, you had a great marriage and your BH was a great husband.]*
> 
> ...





phen said:


> *I really don't see it as stringing his friend along. He has told me multiple times that he's fine either way and that he understands if I choose to try to work it out with my husband. [In other words, he's fine with getting free sex for as long as you are willing to provide it. Sounds like a guy you can really count on when the going gets tough, right?]*
> 
> *As far as the backstabbing is concerned, I've never looked at it like that. He did not aggressively pursue me and we are both adults that made out own decisions. [It's not surprising that you don't see your AP's behavior as backstabbing, given that you are an even bigger backstabber.] I didn't see it at first but he told me that he felt bad about the way my husband treated me. He said that I deserved to be showed love and respect which is something that he has given me. [He's got a pretty sweet deal. All he has to do is say, "honey, I don't mind that you are fat like your husband does" and he gets to have sex with you. Again, does he sound like the kind of guy that will be prepared to stand by you and support you and your children when your BH finally wakes up to the fact that he is married to a lying, cheating fat woman who can rationalize any type of behavior?]*





phen said:


> *My marriage is worth a lot to me and that's why I would like for things to work out. [What you mean is that your BH's financial and other support means a lot to you. Your marriage -- which is based on a vow of emotional and sexual fidelity -- obviously means nothing to you.]* When you say I should play my cards right, what do you mean? *I don't have a lot of hope for my husband at least with the abuse. He would always say he would stop and then it would start up again. I want him to change permanently, not just long enough for him to suck me in again and then I end up right back where I started. [What you mean is that you don't think your BH will ever simply accept the fact that he is married to a woman who was once thin and attractive and is now overweight and unattractive. Your are probably right about this.]*


You are a real piece of work, phen. Did it ever occur to you that the solution to your troubled marriage was to lose weight? What gives you the right to dictate to your BH the kind of woman he finds attractive? And, if you were so abused by your BH over your weight problem, why didn't you leave him before cheating on him behind his back?

You have no moral ground on which to stand. You are a cheater and a liar. You refuse to acknowledge your responsibility for the poor state of your marriage (your weight problem and your unwillingness to do anything about it). You continue to justify your behavior on the basis that your AP has "feelings" for you and ignore all the hard work and sacrifice your BH has done and made for you throughout your marriage.

I'm not saying that your BH was right to make fun of and insult you over your weight but, as compared to your cheating and lying, he comes off as a much better person than you.

Frankly, I don't have any advice for you. You don't sound like the kind of person who is really seeking advice. Rather, you sound like someone who wants others to support you in your nefarious designs to keep both your BH and your AP.

Good luck in that (not).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry for the wasted time and effort folks. Troll!


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Sorry for the wasted time and effort folks. Troll!


Thank goodness.


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