# New here: Question about contacting the other woman (OW)



## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. My husband went to a conference recently and apparently saw it as an opportunity to act like he was single again. He partied with other delegates every night and at some point, he met a young woman and made out with her. It's quite possible more happened, but that's all he would tell me and all that I know for sure.

Here's what else I know:
* They had a brisk email exchange for several days after the conference
* At some point after their encounter, she learned he was married and told him to go screw himself. Apparently, he had removed his wedding band to appear single.
* He's written her a couple of times since but, as far as I know, she's ignored his emails.
* I had put a hit tracker on a website we created for our wedding a long time ago and it's still live. It appears that she's visited twice: the first time for almost 40 minutes, which coincides with the "buzz off" email she sent him. The website contains our wedding video, pictures, a description of how we met and our proposal, etc.

I'm inclined to contact her, but I'm not sure what good it would do. Going with the information I have right now, it appears she's a decent person who has no interest in someone who willingly deceived not only her, but also me (she mentioned this in her email).

I'm not even sure what I would tell her.

Thoughts?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I wouldn't. As you said there's really no point and at the end of the day the only one who has to answer to you is your husband not the OW. He's the one who married and betrayed you. Not her.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

From the scant evidence you have, she doesn't sound like your problem. Unless she is married too, I don't see what benifit you gain from contacting her.

I'd focus on your BH.


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## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

I suppose the reason I feel this urge to contact her is insurance more than anything else. My husband was/is very smitten by her and is trying desperately to reconnect. My hope is she's intelligent and decent enough to stick to her guns, but he managed to fool her once already. I don't even want a response from her and would express this. Sitting here right now, it sounds like a better alternative than the powerlessness I feel.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

offbeatwriter said:


> My husband was/is very smitten by her and is trying desperately to reconnect.


This is your problem. Have you given him consequences? Would you leave him if this continues?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

offbeatwriter said:


> I suppose the reason I feel this urge to contact her is insurance more than anything else. My husband was/is very smitten by her and is trying desperately to reconnect. My hope is she's intelligent and decent enough to stick to her guns.



If he is still trying to reconnect with her then you have a problem and it's not her. 

Your husband needs to send her a no contact/apology letter that you mail and review.

You need to let him know that if tries to contact her again, or any other AP in the future, you're heading straight to divorce - not just considering it, like you're doing now (even if you're not).

You need to let him know that you are expecting demonstrated remorse for what he's done.

If he doesn't turn around, start implementing the 180 and start the D process. Respect yourself enough not to put up with this nonsense.

In the mean time, keep up with the surveillance. You'll get all the help you need with that here.


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## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

I'm still sorting out how I feel and what to do, to be honest. Still in the "dumbstruck" phase and probably not the best time for me to be making huge decisions.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

offbeatwriter said:


> I'm still sorting out how I feel and what to do, to be honest. Still in the "dumbstruck" phase and probably not the best time for me to be making huge decisions.


writer,

It's not a huge decision. It's the right decision. If your husband doesn't receive significant consequences for this, you can very well expect this to happen again. He needs to believe that you will leave him first and foremost. 

And you need to believe it too.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would contact her to get her side of things so you understand all the facts, letting your husband know you contacted her as well.....
then you give him your requirements if he refused then ask him to leave.
I would expose the affair as well so you have others he is also accountable for.....Keep your snooping up and don't reveal how you know just say you are getting help from a reliable source.....
Tell him MC is a requirement because obviously he has something in him that is making this right ........
He needs a huge change in boundaries, honesty and commitment


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jessi said:


> I would expose the affair as well so you have others he is also accountable for.....


I agree.

I should have mentioned exposure as one of his consequences - a very important one.

Don't rug sweep this writer. Trying to cheat is as bad as cheating. In fact if he kissed her, he has cheated.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Normally I would say never to contact the OW because she has no reason to 'do the right thing' or be be honest with you but this woman never wanted to be an OW or with a married man by the sounds of things.

Personally I would ask her to confirm what happened... without telling her what hubby has told you. She sounds like a decent woman who doesn't like cheaters and hurting unsuspecting spouses.

BUT as said above...she isn't really your problem. You H showed a complete lack of boundaries and self control AND respect for you and your marriage.
He is STILL smitten with her... I couldn't bare to have my H in the home if he was pinning over some other woman.

He definitely needs to know this in unacceptable...what have been the consqueqeneses for him so far?
Are you going to go to MC.
What excuse did he give you for his behaviour?
How will he stop this happening again?


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I would contact her. Even though she is rebuffing his continued advances and has shut him down it's the right thing to do. It shows your husband you won't accept this kind of behavior and will call him out on it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When I threatened the XOM, his pastor, his boss, etc he contacted me and basically told me everything I needed to know. I did not expect that, but he wanted his wife back and was willing to tell me whatever I needed.

Normally I do not recommend it. Maybe she would be willing to share what happened. Typically cheaters lie. In this case it seems like she was not seeking out a M man and when she found out he was M she ended it. Perhaps she would be willing to share her story.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

You should definitely contact her and find out what happened.


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## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

Found out tonight they are still in contact. F***!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I would do it on a heart beat. I have contacted the OW in my situation quite a few times, so I am speaking from my own experience. Send her an email to say thank you for distancing herself once she found out he was married. Tell her how much your husband has hurt you and blindsided you. Ask her if she could please verify what happened between them because you feel like he is still being secretive. You might get the full story from her and you will ensure that she will never be tempted to get in contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

offbeatwriter said:


> Found out tonight they are still in contact. F***!!!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh well I would definitely contact her now. Leave no stone unturned and make sure she knows just how real you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> * I had put a hit tracker on a website we created for our wedding a long time ago and it's still live. It appears that she's visited twice: the first time for almost 40 minutes, which coincides with the "buzz off" email she sent him. The website contains our wedding video, pictures, a description of how we met and our proposal, etc.


What's the name of this tracker and how specific is the information that you get from it?


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## offbeatwriter (Oct 22, 2013)

I wrote her a very simple, direct email. "Regardless of what he's told you about the state of our marriage, it is nevertheless a marriage that deserves respect and room to heal. You'd be better served staying out of it. Completely. Please do not contact him or respond to him at all."


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

hurts alot,just found out tonight that my hubs isnt wearing our ring..


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

offbeatwriter said:


> I'll try to make this as brief as possible. My husband went to a conference recently and apparently saw it as an opportunity to act like he was single again. He partied with other delegates every night and at some point, he met a young woman and made out with her. It's quite possible more happened, but that's all he would tell me and all that I know for sure.
> 
> Here's what else I know:
> * They had a brisk email exchange for several days after the conference
> ...


Dear offbeatwriter,

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. Please understand that what he's done is completely on him and nothing that you should feel ashamed about or take any measure of responsibility for.

I think you did the right thing by telling the other woman (OW) to break it off with your wayward husband (WH).

I also agree with the other posters that you need to give your WH real consequences for what he has done. He has cheated on you. To what extent, you do not yet know, but it is cheating none the less.

In cases like this, the standard advice is play dumb while surreptitiously monitoring your WH's communications by way of reading such of his electronic communications (e-mails, FB messages, etc.) to which you have access, voice-activated recorders (VARs) planted in strategic locations like his car and where he places calls when at home, placing a key-logger on his computer, etc., until you have enough information to confront him.

Once you know with greater certainty the nature and extent of his cheating, you then need to decide what to say to him. Again, the standard advice is to hit him hard, including telling him that you are considering divorce (D). If he expresses remorse and asks for a second chance, you would give him your terms which would typically include:

- his sending a no contact (NC) letter to the OW that you review and approve in advance and mail,

- total transparency on his part (e.g., giving you all his internet passwords, access to his communications devices, no deleting of messages, etc.),

- exposure of his cheating to all persons who have an interest in your marriage (e.g., yours and his family, pastor/priest/rabbi, close friends) and, possibly, to his employer (although the ramifications of this must be carefully thought through), and

- individual counseling for both of you, for him to figure out why he cheated and for you to figure out whether you want to reconcile (R) with or D him.

Please do not underestimate the seriousness of what he has done. He has broken his marriage vow. You need to know to what extent and then you need to decide if you are prepared to give him a second chance, based on how he reacts to getting caught. The less remorseful or more defensive he is, the more you should consider filing for D immediately in order to send him the strongest possible message that you will not tolerate further cheating (the D process can always be delayed or stopped later if you think it appropriate, based on his sincerity to try to R). At the very least, you should consult a family law attorney to learn what your rights are and how you would likely fare financially and in matters of child custody if you D him.

I suggest you read Rosie1's thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/127634-something-very-creepy-happening-my-home.html, to see an excellent example of how a betrayed wife (BW) is dealing with her WH's infidelity. Other resources that are often recommended on TAM/CWI (although I have not read them) are _"Not 'Just Friends'"_ by Dr. Shirley Glass and _"His Needs, Her Needs"_ by Dr. Willard Harley. There are many other infidelity resources available on the Internet and I would encourage you to use them to better understand the reasons for infidelity and how to recover from it.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go ahead and ask her what occurred.

Maybe you will get the truth from her.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Contact her but be nice. Don't attack her. Be friendly to get to the truth. I might lie to her and tell her he has done this before and she will be more likely to help thinking he is a regular scab.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

In all fairness if your husband keeps contacting her eventually she will probably respond. You need to check your husband, I know your still in shock but he needs to know what he did was wrong. And I don't think this was his first time doing something like this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could thank her. Then may I suggest that you and her both have STD tests? Well, you especially, as you clearly have an untrustworthy spouse, sad to say.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Contact her but be nice. Don't attack her. Be friendly to get to the truth. I might lie to her and tell her he has done this before and she will be more likely to help thinking he is a regular scab.


I did this with my H's one confirmed PA. Unlike the EA OW, I don't believe she knew he was married, otherwise I wouldn't have contact her. If I hadn't contacted her, he never would have admitted to the PA. However, she told me some things that he still denies, and I'm left wondering whether he lied to make it seem less bad or whether she was being vindictive.


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

I would contact her. He deceived her also. I would ask for the details of what happened. 
It seems he is a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde splintered kind of person.
Is there a reason for you to desire to stay married to this person?


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If it were me, id contact her
First Id asure her I wish her NO ill will, and that I appreciate her doing the right thing once she realized he was married, and that I respect her

Second Id ask for details...if I were the OW and fouind out the woman was married and lied, and THEN the bs asked me what happened, id tell him the truth

thirdly...Id tell her if my hubby tells here we are getting divorced or separated, she can always verify with me to make sure I he is not lying

chances are if you find out he really did hide his wedding band, and that they slept together (very likely) and that he trashed you, his family, his life, told the ow he was leaving you...then he might be available soon after all


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