# Is it an age thing?



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I posted on another forum but this is another thought I would like advice on. I am extremely tired and frustrated with my home situation. Two kids with medical issues, and a hubby with medical issues. He is a hard worker but isn't responsible for any of the day to day stuff. It has left me feeling lonely and because we have a past, there are issues with resentment towards him for things that he did and putting more on my plate right now because he is not feeling good. I went out with a couple of friends. All of us are 45-50 years in age and have kids getting ready to move off to college. Three of my friends are in the process of making exit plans to leave their husbands. Not entirely their fault, as one is an alcoholic and one cheats, but it has me thinking. I feel like I am losing myself because I have to meet everyone's needs before myself. Do woman start feeling discontented at this age and that is where this is coming from? I have only been with one man and have never cheated, but have thoughts of what it would be like to leave my hubby. I have pushed it off thinking that it is really the stress of all the medical stuff going on and the grass is always greener. I know , because of my values, I would not go out an actively look to cheat on my hubby but I wonder if that is how my friends started thinking. Am I just at an age where I am discontented or is it something more?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Maybe it is an age thing, but not a gender thing. I am in that age range, dealing with wife with medical issue. To quote you, I too " I feel like I am losing myself because I have to meet everyone's needs before myself .I .. have thoughts of what it would be like to leave my wife. I have pushed it off thinking that it is really the stress of all the medical stuff going on and the grass is always greener. "

I don't have a solution for you. Just know that you are not alone. Your thoughts are normal.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thanks blueinbr, I needed that. I feel like I am going to crack any minute. Hubby says tell me what ya need. I do then he says I make him feel bad. I feel like I don't win. I am so exhausted, and feel like I am running nonstop. I have my own medical issues but I still have to take care of the kids, and I feel resentful that he doesn't deal. Last night, I told him about catching my daughter in a lie about doing homework. It is a sticky subject because she is sick all the time and when she feels good, obviously homework is not what she wants to do. Problem is, if I don't keep her going, she is not going to graduate on time next year. I am ALWAYS the bad guy because he doesn't deal with them on a daily basis. So I tell him in front of her what she did. I said I will leave you to deal with this and walked away. He didn't say a word and she walked away. He went back to reading his kindle. I just wanted to smack him upside the head with the dang thing. Hello, you are her father!!! I am just beyond frustrated


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It may well be an "age thing," but it primarily seems to be nothing more than good old self-serving selfishness and entitlement!

I'd greatly wager that none of them ever got their pastors, much less their family's blessing, before ever embarking upon secretly finding themselves a little bit of "strange!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think it's an age and a circumstance thing. Women are caretakers so we take care of our children and their husbands and stick it out even if they aren't happy in the marriage and probably expressed this to their husband but they want their children to grow up an intake family. The children go off to college so they don't feel the need to stay with their husband as he can take care of himself and they aren't happy being married. It's time for the wife to take care of herself instead of everyone else. So they leave. More often then not the husband is surprised.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think a lot of women, especially, put themselves in this position. Please don't take that as blame - I've done it, too! 

Can you share what the medical issues are everyone has? Or at least an overview of the limitations? That might help us understand what H is capable of doing/not doing and same with you and children.

Also, while it can be very difficult, sometimes you have to let everyone reap the consequences of their actions. I have a Junior and I finally had to not hover and let her grades suffer. While I'd love to pushpushpush to make sure there are never tardies, she has everything done early, proofread, etc. and does all of the things to get into a good college, if SHE doesn't want it I can't make her want it. And come time for college, I won't be there to make her keep up with assignments. And when it comes time for work, I can't make her be on time or do a job conscientiously. So I decided to let it go. Let her learn. 

If your daughter doesn't graduate on time, it's gives time for maturing and learning and a slower pace. Or makes her have to do online studies and summer school. It's not the end of the world. Every "failure" is an opportunity to learn what NOT to do the next try!

As to hubby, you need to sit him down and discuss what happened. That it's his child, too, and you aren't always going to be the bad guy and he has responsibilities to her as well. Tell him you are disappointed that he didn't back you up. Ask him to have a chat with her.

Also, tell him YOU can't make him feel bad. He feels bad because he knows he's not contributing and putting it all on you. You may need to choose your battles.

I think you need to make time for yourself and announce it to the family. Maybe dinner will be an hour later because you need an hour at the gym or to take a walk or to read peacefully (if it's a peaceful activity don't do it at home - go to a library or sit in your car - whatever, but not where you can be interrupted by their neediness.) Your marriage depends on this. You have to put yourself first if you can be any good to everyone else. Get up an hour earlier and go to bed an hour earlier if that's how you fit it in. Let things go or hire help if you can. Ask your husband to please do [chore], say thank you it means so much to have his help and then leave. No time for arguing or discussing what makes him feel bad. YOU feel bad being everything to everyone and you're going to burnout and break down. Then you'll be no help to anyone and he'll have to pick up ALL of the slack. 

But you definitely need to carve out some 'me' time and let go of some things as well as set some expectations for everyone.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> So they leave. More often then not the husband is surprised.


Are you ready to share your story HM25?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I have dreams of leaving my wife after all the kids are done with college but finances seem to be preventing that, so I don't think it's necessarily a gender thing or an age thing. Your post was very telling that among your own friends, three are planning to leave while they plan to send their kids to college. I to always feel like I'm by myself charged to have to solve everyone else's problems and never have any time to solve my own. If anything else I would like to think me and my wife are at least some sort of unified front, but we aren't. Never have been. I know the grass is always greener but can it get any more yellow where it is now? The last thing I want is to have all the kids gone and me and my wife left alone. I would for sure want to leave then.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

@tamara24 , although your intentions are very good, you should maybe try to look at the situation as one that you are contributing to. You can make a home conducive to your kids learning success and everyone's health, but it's not good for you or your kids or your husband if you take on the role of *forcing* your kids to do what they're supposed to be doing every step of the way in HS or anything else. The goal is to produce self-motivated, happy, healthy children with a good stable family to rely on when they stumble. So just try to think about things differently:

Is your behaviour teaching them to self-motivate?
Is your behaviour contributing to happy relationships between yourself, your children and your husband?
Is your behaviour contributing to your own happiness and maintaining/increasing your health?
Is your behaviour enhancing your marital bond? Is it diminishing it? 
If your behaviour is diminishing the bond in your marriage, how will that benefit the children? Is it a good trade-off to trade graduating on time, etc.. for a loving, happy, stable home?

If you don't like the answers you have to the questions above, you might want to reconsider your priorities in light of the BIG PICTURE. We can get caught up on the details that seem reasonable to achieve and not realize that in going after those we are undermining the entire foundation of our family's (and our own) happiness.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I think it is common, gender neutral. Every person needs to be worshipped and when you are doing all the service it wears you out. I think you need joint counseling as you have explained your concerns and he does not seem to be able to deal with it adequately. Maybe he needs another person to prod him along.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Son has Asperger's Autism. He is actually gifted but can't stay organized or turn in homework. He loses it or forgets to turn it in. Smartest kid in the class and barely passing high school. Daughter has gastroparesis(paralyzed stomach) and POTS (posticular orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and is sick all the time. Nausea, vomiting, tachycardic,etc. Hubby has one bad knee that needs replacement but we can't afford to do it because he is soul provider. He slipped and hurt the good knee three weeks ago and is in a brace from his thigh down to his ankle. He tore two things. When I had my son they botched the epidural and I have nerve damage to my spine causing leg pain and swelling nonstop. We don't qualify for any help because hubby makes a good living. I work seasonally when I can. My son is in counseling and they are working with him but I still have to remind him and check on him. It isn't that he doesn't want to do it, he just forgets. I am working with the counselors and going by what they tell me. As far as the daughter goes, she can barely tolerate school for two hours daily. She does online courses but when she is sick, she doesn't get much accomplished then when she feels good we have to catch up. She is tired as every summer for the last three years she has had to take summer school to catch up. Now they want her in a physical therapy program for four hours five days a week for four weeks. I don't know how she is going to do it. 
I met hubby today for lunch and he says I know you are unhappy you just need to tell me what to do. I guess I just don't see why I have to make a list for a grown man. Our schedules stay pretty much the same for the sake of our son, he knows what needs to be done yet he waits for me to tell him. This started way before three weeks ago and I realize the stress of the situation we are in is a huge factor. We discussed before that I never wanted to be the head of the household, yet even though he says he is going to step up, I am the head of the household. I make all major decisions. I don't even think he could tell you how much is in the bank account or what we owe. Over the last four years he has started doing stuff with kids and making an effort with us, but before that he did nothing with us. I try not to bring up the past but one thing that is really getting on my nerves is that I deal with leg and back pain all the time due to the nerve issues yet I still do what needs to be done because my family is the first priority and my legs hurt no matter what I do or don't do. When he didn't participate in the kid's life or mine, he couldn't give two craps about how badly I hurt or how hard it was to take care of two babies. But now that his legs are killing him, he comes home, lies on the couch and reads his Kindle. Props his legs up and says his legs are killing him. I can't muster any sympathy and that really bothers me that I can be so cold about it. I love the man, but I guess I am looking for (lack of a better terms) a more alpha male? One that takes charge of situations. I am not LOOKING but the thought is there that grass might be a bit greener. I wouldn't act on it because I believe that cheating is wrong and I have been on the receiving end so I would never do that. I feel bad about feeling this way. I certainly am not going to tell him that, but I can't put my needs on the back burner anymore. I am not asking him to all the sudden become a different person, but I need a partner not another kid.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife has gastroparesis so we too deal with the Nausea, vomiting. Private message me if you want and we can compare notes treatments. 

Did they put her through the tilt tests for POTS?

Is your current husband the one that cheated on you?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Yes, we just got back from out of state at a children's hospital and did the tilt table test. She tested positive. Yes, current hubby had a few flirtations and one huge emotional affair that I found out about on my birthday when I got the phone bill. That was several years ago. We almost broke up but we gave it a shot, moved to a different state and we had to deal with other issues. The problem about the affair is that when I asked he lied until I dialed the number. He didn't know I had already called the woman and left her a message and plain out asked if she slept with my husband. Both emphatically denied it. I think had it gone on a bit longer, it would have led to that. They had met on a few occasions as she played the damsel in distress and her mean old ex hubby wouldn't do anything for her or their kids. My biggest issue is that I can't let it go because when I ask about what happened, where they met, he doesn't remember. If I did the cheating, I think I would remember. He says it was a stressful time and totally wanted to forget that time. I feel like I didn't get complete transparency because there wasn't any closure for me. I also tend to run things around in my head and dwell when it bothers me. 

He changed when I woke up one morning and asked for a divorce, lost 150 pounds and started taking charge of me. But now, My kids needs are most important so I don't get that opportunity. I am by no means a martyr, I just know that I have certain needs that I need to have met. I refuse to go back to enabling him and I don't want to go back down that road


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

holy cow!!!

maybe your gut is telling you he did sleep with her. and you can't put it to rest. seems like he is suffering pain also two bad knees and still working sounds just as rough as your health problems. if he hasn't done the things you want him to do then tell him and kindly retell him until he remembers on his own. Hes offering take him up on it. when he gripes gently remind him, he asked for it.

you got a lot going on finding time to work on your marriage sounds challenging. Baby steps anything you can get him to help with is a start.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thanks, Chillymorn, but the problem is I wake up,if I even get to sleep if my daughter has a bad night, and I remind him to do stuff and then he doesn't follow through. He gets mad when our son says I forgot and he has Aspergers, yet he does it. Sometimes, I barely have time to eat or get something done and I just don't have the time to remind him too. I am exhausted mentally and physically and I just feel like I shouldn't have to point out the obvious sometimes. If you see the laundry basket is full, grab a load! I won't complain! I called one night from the drugstore and told him to go ahead if the kids were hungry to warm up dinner because it was going to be awhile before I would get home. I didn't get home till 8:00 and I said did you guys all eat? He says no, they never came out(kids were playing a video game) so he didn't bother. So after running all over, I got to come home and fix dinner. When I asked what were you doing, he says oh, I was smoking a cigar and relaxing on the back porch. Not once did he pop his head in and ask if the kids were ready. Both of us need down time and we are tired, but it is the stupid stuff like that that drives me nuts. He says well you didn't tell me to warm it up, you said if the kids were ready to eat. We ALWAYS eat at 6:30, and we never eat at 8:00! I can't spell everything out. The kids at this point, won't be leaving home anytime soon. My son is going to take online college courses and live at home until his junior year and with our daughter's medical, I don't see her leaving for awhile. Honestly, I am just not up to another couple of years of this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Security has always been a huge motivator for a woman to join or remain in a marriage. Once the kids are grown and out, many women probably find their need for security has diminished. Husband has served his purpose and might be seen as an impediment for a woman who finally has the time to see her to own needs. Once someone wants out of the marriage, they can easily imagine justifications for leaving.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Well, I didn't go into it with the idea he was serving a purpose, I think we both have a bond most people never have. I just never thought our lives could become this complicated with no end in sight. I know it isn't all sunshine and roses, but I have been dealing for 15 years with my sons issues and seven with my daughter's condition. The majority of it alone. Then I see three friends making plans to exit and I am sitting here thinking here are all these red flags but most of them are also stressors that anyone deals with when dealing with a sick family member. It takes a toll, just hang in there. Or am I seeing the same signs they did and they are smarter because they are jumping off the sinking ship? I love him, I know he loves me but I can't do everything for everybody. I should be able to count on him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> ... So just try to think about things differently:
> 
> Is your behaviour teaching them to self-motivate?
> Is your behaviour contributing to happy relationships between yourself, your children and your husband?
> ...


I think this is really smart for @tamara24 to contemplate. 
@Tamara I totally feel your pain BIG TIME. But part of your frustration may be that some things that are important to you that you feel "need to be done" actually aren't important to your husband. Like your daughter's homework.

So you are running yourself ragged trying to keep things together becoming more and more resentful and your H may be thinking "I want to be supportive but I don't really think these things need to be done period."

If you ask your husband "How do you feel about it if our daughter does not graduate on time and what do you think we should do about this?" He may surprise you with an answer like "I think it might actually be in her best interest as long as she keeps plugging forward, I think the pressure she's her under may actually be adding stress and hampering her health."

Or you might make a list of everything that you feel "needs" to be done and ask him if he agrees that these are all critical things, or if it was up to him would he just flat out not do some of them?

If he agrees they need to be done, find out what he'll take responsibility for.

Then when he forgets and doesn't do it -- I'm not sure what to suggest. I'm in that boat with my H and it's months, literally YEARS in some cases of "yes, I'll do that today/tomorrow. I PROMISE. PLEASE, I said I'll do it." (So I take back all my advice, I have no idea what one can do other than leaving...) But seriously - if there are some things that are too much for you, it might not be the end of the world if you just said "screw it" and let the chips fall where they may.

On a side note - not to add MORE to your plate... but here is a book you might check out for your daughter's digestion. I talked to the neurologist who wrote it about stomach paralysis once and she said you can't completely "un-paralyze" it but overall digestion can be improved. (The book says it's for weight loss but it's really overall wellness starting with digestin) http://goo.gl/gIzrqG.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

tamara24 said:


> ...I try not to bring up the past but one thing that is really getting on my nerves is that I deal with leg and back pain all the time due to the nerve issues yet I still do what needs to be done because my family is the first priority and my legs hurt no matter what I do or don't do. When he didn't participate in the kid's life or mine, he couldn't give two craps about how badly I hurt or how hard it was to take care of two babies. But now that his legs are killing him, he comes home, lies on the couch and reads his Kindle. Props his legs up and says his legs are killing him.


No advice in this post, I just want to sympathize with you. No kids here but my H has autoimmune issues that cause him extreme back, leg, stomach pain and severe headaches. "Consequently" he does not work. But the thing is, before it got so bad he did not work. I was under so much stress working literally 7 days a week from about 8 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. a couple years back that I got a frozen shoulder. I could not lift or really move one of my arms and my H said I whimpered in my sleep every night for at least 6 months. It was an extremely stressful, painful time of my life.

But did I just go lay down because I was tired and in severe pain? Did I turn away business so I could go get shoulder surgery and go to physical therapy? HELL NO. Someone has to pay the bills and business was booming so instead I worked every day in extreme pain.

He felt bad for me but he never said "maybe you should take a break, we'll be okay." But when he is exhausted and in pain (and I know he really is) he maxes out his insurance, he buys all kinds of expensive "alternative" medicine supplements that don't help, goes to the chiropractor and accupuncture and every other odd type of potential therapy he can find. Nothing is too expensive when HE is in pain. Nothing "still has to get done" when he is exhausted.

WOW. I think you tapped a vein of mine, LOL. Sorry for the rant. I need to get back to work... But I feel ya sister!


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I think it's an age and a circumstance thing. Women are caretakers so we take care of our children and their husbands and stick it out even if they aren't happy in the marriage and probably expressed this to their husband but they want their children to grow up an intake family. The children go off to college so they don't feel the need to stay with their husband as he can take care of himself and they aren't happy being married. It's time for the wife to take care of herself instead of everyone else. So they leave. More often then not the husband is surprised.


Or,relieved.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

tamara24 said:


> Son has Asperger's Autism. He is actually gifted but can't stay organized or turn in homework. He loses it or forgets to turn it in. Smartest kid in the class and barely passing high school. Daughter has gastroparesis(paralyzed stomach) and POTS (posticular orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and is sick all the time. Nausea, vomiting, tachycardic,etc. Hubby has one bad knee that needs replacement but we can't afford to do it because he is soul provider. He slipped and hurt the good knee three weeks ago and is in a brace from his thigh down to his ankle. He tore two things. When I had my son they botched the epidural and I have nerve damage to my spine causing leg pain and swelling nonstop. We don't qualify for any help because hubby makes a good living. I work seasonally when I can. My son is in counseling and they are working with him but I still have to remind him and check on him. It isn't that he doesn't want to do it, he just forgets. I am working with the counselors and going by what they tell me. As far as the daughter goes, she can barely tolerate school for two hours daily. She does online courses but when she is sick, she doesn't get much accomplished then when she feels good we have to catch up. She is tired as every summer for the last three years she has had to take summer school to catch up. Now they want her in a physical therapy program for four hours five days a week for four weeks. I don't know how she is going to do it.
> I met hubby today for lunch and he says I know you are unhappy you just need to tell me what to do. I guess I just don't see why I have to make a list for a grown man. Our schedules stay pretty much the same for the sake of our son, he knows what needs to be done yet he waits for me to tell him. This started way before three weeks ago and I realize the stress of the situation we are in is a huge factor. We discussed before that I never wanted to be the head of the household, yet even though he says he is going to step up, I am the head of the household. I make all major decisions. I don't even think he could tell you how much is in the bank account or what we owe. Over the last four years he has started doing stuff with kids and making an effort with us, but before that he did nothing with us. I try not to bring up the past but one thing that is really getting on my nerves is that I deal with leg and back pain all the time due to the nerve issues yet I still do what needs to be done because my family is the first priority and my legs hurt no matter what I do or don't do. When he didn't participate in the kid's life or mine, he couldn't give two craps about how badly I hurt or how hard it was to take care of two babies. But now that his legs are killing him, he comes home, lies on the couch and reads his Kindle. Props his legs up and says his legs are killing him. I can't muster any sympathy and that really bothers me that I can be so cold about it. I love the man, but I guess I am looking for (lack of a better terms) a more alpha male? One that takes charge of situations. I am not LOOKING but the thought is there that grass might be a bit greener. I wouldn't act on it because I believe that cheating is wrong and I have been on the receiving end so I would never do that. I feel bad about feeling this way. I certainly am not going to tell him that, but I can't put my needs on the back burner anymore. I am not asking him to all the sudden become a different person, but I need a partner not another kid.


I may have missed something,but couldn't he have similar complaints re you not contributing enough financially.
Seems that the division of labor would neccessitate you doing more on the homefront,as you are,if he is the laboring oar re income.
I think the breadwinner should help at home,much like you do financially with seasonal work. But,if he is out earning money,the bulk of the home duuties should be shouldered by the stay at home parent.
I know when our kids were young and my wife stayed home,I just took over everything with the kids and house after arriving home from a relatively arduous job. Makes no sense,now that Ilook back at it. Iwas as much in need of a break due to my job as my wife was from the kids and household stuff.
Yet,there was the perception,apparently,that my work was not as taxing as herd. Weird.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Maxo, First, you missed a lot. I was disabled due to a botched epidural. I did not CHOOSE to continue to stay home. Yet, even if I had a job, I wouldn't be able to hold it down with the medical issues with the kids. But I also believe I did not have these kids by myself, I am a 24 hour parent just as much as he is. Women that work at home work just as hard as having a job. But I am not going to debate that issue. I am not in a normal situation. I get up at least four times a week with my daughter and get maybe four hours of sleep. Then we have at least two doc appts. weekly and now beginning physically therapy twice a week. All of the appointments are about 45-60 minutes away. My husband does not complain because I also take care of him. When he gets up, I fix his lunch, usually left overs from the night before, his breakfast, and when he returns home, we have actual homemade meals. I deal with hospitals,schools, insurance, the house, the yard, bills, and both kids. I don't believe there can be an actual fair division of chores because some simply go hand in hand. I also have to deal with my son's issues as well. Both of us need a break, there is no denying that. But that isn't going to happen. I do believe he works hard, but when he says you have to tell me what you need, he doesn't follow through. I just returned from a hospital out of state with my daughter. I asked him to PHYSICALLY check that my son turned work in. It's not like I asked him to remodel the house. It would have taken five minutes. I come home to three teachers calling me that he hadn't turned anything in the entire time I was gone. I need basic things done. I need him to help make some decisions so I can get other stuff done. I agree with working wife, I probably need to prioritize on what I can just let go but the list of things that can't be let go, is just as long. We don't live near family. We have to rely on each other. I feel there isn't any support.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Working Wife, you made me laugh! LOL! I get it, I am really frustrated. I just don't want to turn fifty, look like a worn out dish rag and have to go back to the dating pool because I was an idiot.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Under 'normal' circumstances where husband and wife get up at the same time, I think both should 'work' the same amount of time. And if both are working all day, whether in or outside of the home, one should not be able to prop up their feet and leave the remainder of the day to the other parent to manage. If one is busy, the other should find something to do.
@tamara24, The things that bother you around the home (dust, laundry, hunger pangs haha) are likely not the same things that bother him and give him a sense of urgency. For instance, your need to have a regular meal time at 6:30 regardless of whether or not the kids are hungry or at a good stopping place. HE doesn't care if he (or the kids) eat at the same time. Had he been really hungry or the kids came out complaining they were hungry, he'd be more inclined to feed them. That isn't right OR wrong. Just because YOU always put dinner on the table at 6:30 doesn't make THAT right or wrong. Remember in most circumstances there is no right or wrong.

Same as with laundry. It's not on his mind. He didn't sort it out, run out of underwear, etc. A sweet reminder might annoy you but on the other hand, if it gets done wouldn't that be LESS annoying? What about having a dry erase board on the fridge where you can list things you would like to have done? Chores for everyone - both kids AND husband. Then you can simply send a text to say "Remember to check the dry erase board! Thanks for your help!" Your husband probably isn't being passive aggressive and doesn't mind helping - he probably really does forget. Many adults don't just see something and think "wow, I ought to do that thing that looks like it needs to be done!" (believe me I hear coworkers and girlfriends grumble and men will say the same thing about the women in their lives and oil changes in the car, etc.)

I agree with @WorkingWife that a conversation with your husband should be in order. It sounds like you really need to focus more on the daughter's health than school. After all, if she can barely handle high school, is going straight to college really practical? Have you discussed this with your daughter? How important is this to HER right now? Perhaps online classes for highschool (a friend whose daughter suffered terribly with Lyme's did this quite successfully) would be best and she could also do that with college to start easing into that while coming to grips with her health issues. There are MANY paths to success so perhaps a group discussion on your daughter's goals and the many ways to achieve them and decide on one.

As to your son, are there triggers to get him back to focus on work or remember? Habits can become very useful - does he have a smart phone? Maybe utilizing a calendar and regular reminders for him would help. For instance set a reminder on his calendar to start home work. Then a reminder 20 minutes later to keep at it! Not sure what would work best for him/you/your family but just an idea that keeps YOU from having to be the person reminding him. And he will have to learn coping skills to do just that throughout life so this type of system might be helpful to him.

And to YOU. Your H had a relaxing hour or so on the porch with his cigar. You should do the same type of thing - maybe you can ask him to help you with things and make time for an hour of relaxing and holding hands with him on the porch. Holding hands will help you two feel connected and give you couple time. You can decompress and both will feel better connected.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hey, I just turned fifty. Hopefully I don't look like a worn out dish rag. Semi-used rag yes, worn out no. :smile2:


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Are you ready to share your story HM25?


No I need more proof besides I know what the advice will be and I'm not ready to do that after 27 years of marriage.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

We have a schedule because kids with Aspergers work better in that environment. I wouldn't be upset if we ate at 8 if as soon as I walked in the door, everyone was suddenly hungry and guess who got to fix it? The kids are so used to me handling everything, that they literally don't go to him if they need something done. He isn't a bad person, but the little things are adding up. We obviously don't get alone time. Pretty much by the time we hit the bed, we are too exhausted. I am up and down depending on the situation. I feel like he doesn't get how much a toll all the medical stuff is on top of the daily stuff. My daughter wants to be a vet. They told us in October there is nothing else they can do for our daughter. So we asked her what she wanted to do. She takes two hours of school doing vet classes and then comes home for online. She chose her schedule but when she gets sick school isn't a priority then she gets behind. The school says they understand but really there is ALWAYS a deadline. Then I have to be the bad guy and push her through it. I talked to her about going another year so she wouldn't have to push so hard. She got incredibly upset. I think it has to do more about the fact that she has no control over anything. I go to the hospital and stay with her and she does not want any procedures done as she fears that mean she is getting worse. So she fights anything and everything. It isn't easy. It is emotionally draining. He isn't there to deal with any of it. I give him status reports, tell him what we are doing and he says ok. He loves her like crazy, he just doesn't deal. Not with the kids, not with the house(which is slowly falling apart since we don't have money for repairs), not with bills or anything. It is like he thinks about his needs and goes on a different tangent. Three examples... He asked me Sunday if I would like to go have lunch at my favorite restaurant. I said no, we have to finish up some stuff before we have family arriving for graduation. He asks again. Then I realize he is asking because it is next to the cigar shop and he is out of cigars. Since I don't think he should be smoking(it has increased over the last six months from an occasional cigar in three months to needing a thirty pack every two months) he knows this is a bad topic. He just got diagnosed with sleep apnea on top of it. It wasn't about taking me for lunch, it was the cigars. Second, we got rid of cable to save money. They called him at work and gave him this speal of getting cable for three extra dollars a month. He does it. He comes home and mentions it and when I get the bill it went from 66.00 a month to 95.00. I ask him to call and get it straightened out. It took him two and half months. We aren't rolling in the dough, that's 30.00 dollars a month! Finally, our son turned 18 in Feb. and our gift was new tires for his car. It rains a ton here and we knew his were bad. Hubby said he would shop around for a good deal and get them. This weekend, he finally found tires in fifteen minutes. That is what bugs me. Am I wrong that I feel like this way? The dishwasher broke two weeks ago and it was going to cost more to fix it. Then hubby says come get the emergency card and go get one since we sanitize a lot of things with our daughter. When I come to get the card, he asks me to go to Sears and replace tools for him. He hands me five tools to replace. I go to Sears look all over the place for the tools and enlist two associates to help since I couldn't find them. I finally get what they had and they were missing three things. I run them back to the hubby and he says oh good, at least they had mine! I ask what? Whose tools were those? Oh, I told Mike you would get his since you were headed that way..... It isn't that it was a HUGE deal but I found it HUGELY inconsiderate not to ask me when I am trying to rush home. He didn't see anything wrong with it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

tamara24 said:


> Working Wife, you made me laugh! LOL! I get it, I am really frustrated. I just don't want to turn fifty, look like a worn out dish rag and have to go back to the dating pool because I was an idiot.


Glad to entertain even though you missed the visual demonstration of me typing on a computer with an arm that would not move! (As I typed harder and faster remembering!)

Hey I just did turn 50 and I don't look like a worn out dish rag yet, but I am definitely noticing a major acceleration in the collapse of my face.

It is something to think about seriously. If I had come to the realizations about my marriage and life that I came to at 50 just 10 years earlier, I would have divorced. I am not unhappy in my marriage now but when I do think about the rest of my life if something happened to my husband, I do think my odds in the dating pool would not be as good as they were just a few years ago. 

Though if it's any consolation, a friend whose mom is 80 says her mom is in the dating world and yes, the 80 year old men find her attractive (and expect her to put out).

*But I don't think you need a divorce. I think what you need to do is say "F*ck It!" Then pour a stiff drink or a nice cup of tea, turn your back on the dishes in the sink, step over the laundry basket on your way into the family room, plop down on the couch next to your husband and his cigar, Take a deep breath (away from the smoke!) slowly exhale and say "ahhhhh", lean your head on his shoulder and ask him to put his arm around you. Maybe even have a good cry if it feels right.*

I remember years ago being so mad at men because they were so Fricken carefree and just did whatever the hell they pleased. Then it occurred to me - I wasn't mad, I was envious, because I was putting myself through hell trying to always do what was right and required. They weren't demanding that I do anything. I thought - if you can't beat, join em.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Maxo said:


> I may have missed something,but couldn't he have similar complaints re you not contributing enough financially.
> Seems that the division of labor would neccessitate you doing more on the homefront,as you are,if he is the laboring oar re income.
> I think the breadwinner should help at home,much like you do financially with seasonal work. But,if he is out earning money,the bulk of the home duuties should be shouldered by the stay at home parent.
> I know when our kids were young and my wife stayed home,I just took over everything with the kids and house after arriving home from a relatively arduous job. Makes no sense,now that Ilook back at it. Iwas as much in need of a break due to my job as my wife was from the kids and household stuff.
> Yet,there was the perception,apparently,that my work was not as taxing as herd. Weird.


I don't know what you do for a living, but I know a lot of stay at home moms who have had careers outside the home, and moms who have jobs outside the home while raising kids, and they all, to a woman, will say that being home with kids all day is more stressful than working out side the home. Even if they love it and that's what they want to do. 

I think there is just a totally different dynamic between working with adults and interacting with needy kids all day. Plus, the "job" is done for the day when you leave work. Raising kids and running a household goes on all day through dinner and homework etc. until the kids are in bed, the kitchen is clean, and the laundry is done. It's a lot more than an 8 hour day.

Some couples may decide "I will work and you will run the household" but many would not consider that an equal division of labor/stress.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Well on top of everything else, my son and I were in a major car accident last night and my van is completely totaled. I have to have the daughter at the hospital at 8 tomorrow and no van. I am so glad and thank God neither one of us are seriously hurt. She hit us while we were sitting still going about 45. It hit us so hard we rear ended the car in front of us. She then asked if she could leave cause she needed to pick up her kids. Hello, my car is destroyed, you aren't leaving. Then she came up and asked if I could follow her to her house and we could make a report. I said no.... She got a ticket for reckless driving and failure to stop. As soon as the police handed her the ticket she just jumped up and left. No apology or anything. No I have no van to transport daughter with service dog. I am sure I won't get enough from the van to get a new one so I am really stressed. I called hubby, he came within a half hour, his adhd kicked in and I had to ask him twice to come over to listen to what the cop was saying incase I missed anything. Then we pulled in the driveway, hubby got the van home, and I drove his car. It is pouring rain. He starts yelling at my son to get out of the car, we have to get everything covered on the van since the windows are all shattered. I am like give us a second, we are still reeling from what happened, you don't need to yell at us, he says I just want to get the **** out, my legs hurt like hell! When he finally does come in, I am sitting on the couch and he yells for me to get in our room. Thinking he wants to discuss it all, I go in and he is like get in the shower, you are soaking wet and I (as in him)am freezing. My daughter and him start goofing off and picking on each other. Next thing I know he yells at her and says can't you see we are under enough stress, don't freakin keep picking on me! UMM, hello? You were just picking on her too! I am not sure what to think about it. I know he was pretty freaked when he saw the car. I am sure that didn't help.


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