# Should I be thinking of someone else - is that normal?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

For the past week, as hard as I am trying, the idea that my wife is just biding her time to figure a way out of our marriage (Although she says it's not) without hurting me and keeping her head above water financially is something that I've been thinking. In order to get PAST that image I feel like I have to replace it with a 'if I just met a person who liked me for me' image. The image is of me leaving my wife and my wife being miserable while I'm off being happy again. Sound cruel? It might be but it seems like the only way to get past some of the pain on certain days. Today is definitely one of those days. I spent the day teaching kids and felt like my stomach was gonna blow up...so I sat myself down and thought of that scenario...and I felt, just a little, better.

With that in mind, I have to wonder if my wife is also thinking the same thing. If she's thinking 'a man who can meet my needs in a way I don't get from him anymore will come along and take me away'...then I start feeling bad again...up down up down.

She finished work about an hour ago, she should've been home already. A year ago I would imagine her shift went late or because it's Friday she had a drink with co-workers or something happened and work that needed her attention...but now I start to think 'she just doesn't want to come home' either because I'm here or because she wants to be with someone somewhere else.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Syn - I haven't read all of your posts, but I've read a lot of the titles and its clear you are really struggling.

Dreaming of a better life with a different person is normal. If you start thinking about a specific person and start making efforts to get close to someone, that's just going to make things much worse.

If you haven't or aren't, consider therapy for yourself and a trip to your doc to get some short-term meds for depression / anxiety. Avoid alcohol, get out and do some things you enjoy, talk to people, exercise, take walks, listen to music, etc.

You'll need to calm yourself down SOMEHOW if you really want things to start getting better. And give it some time.

Took my a while to figure out its like those chinese finger cuffs. The harder you pull, the tighter they grip your fingers. You've got to somehow relax.

Maybe think this way - worst thing that happens is you guys don't make it and life really sucks for a while longer. Like you said above - if that happens, maybe you'll move on to find the girl of your dreams!

Hang in there. You'll start to get your footing and realize that life will go on with or without her. And if she's not putting in the effort, you start worrying less and less about losing someone who is thoughtlessly hurting you.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

syn..there is nothing wrong with that 'thinking'..a person has different ways of getting through things, I did that for awhile..and really, if your wife decides to end it all, you will go through a powerful emotional time with extreme lows, then it will subside, and believe me it will..I have been separated for 3 months and I can personally tell you I would have never thought in a thousand years that I would be able to feel like I do now, that is being able to adjust when that 'feeling' comes, where as before I would dwell and not be able to function, I can now just go on with everyday life and actually like it again, but it takes time, and I am using methods most people on here would not agree with, but it works for me, and will it have an affect on others around me down the road?..I don't know, but It's my way of coping, and whatever you feel works for you, then you do it..but the key is, and it seems to be agreed by everyone who goes through this, and that is to WORK ON YOURSELF..how can YOU become better, even if your not sure how you should read, read and talk to others, either here or in person..that is another way to cope,..you will find there are lots of people have gone thru it or are going thru it but just to able to release it vocally even if they don't really listen at least it leaves you.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I know I should be looking at ways to better myself. The person I am thinking of is imaginary, not real. I have trouble with this even. I think my wife is the most beautiful person I've met ever. Her personality around others is wonderful. Her character at home WAS wonderful as well, but that faded into something else. I feel like she's just with me now because she has no other options at hand. She says differently if I asked (haven't asked in a long time) but that's how I feel. Any of the above activities just make me feel miserable. Meeting other people I'm always wondering, because of the shattered trust, when she gets off work is she going home? Or will she meet the OM knowing I'm out (she has promised no contact but I can never be 100 percent these days)? Even today, a rare time she has the day off on Saturday. She would normally send me email by this time, but she hasn't. I have no idea what her plans are for the day. It is rainny which means no outside activities. The apartment is clean from top to bottom. If she were to meet the OM I would have no clue...I have to take her word for it. I don't want to call and sound obsessed or email and seem obsessed...yet I can't help but wonder what's happening. If she's just at home relaxing, I wouldve hoped for at least email. But then maybe I think I'm expecting too much too soon...5 weeks out from d-day...I still don't know that she fully understands my pain or my needs. I've addressed her concerns and made changes...I wish she could do the same to help with the healing process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Time..and what you do with that time is the key, it'll get better it you let it...


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