# Is this marriage worth saving?



## confusedwife1 (Jul 9, 2012)

SHORT STORY
My husband and I got married 10 months ago after only knowing each other 4 months. We have no children. Our short marriage has been very rough and we have been separated for about 1.5 months now. I'm really struggling right now to figure out if my marriage is even worth putting in effort to try to save it or if I should just cut my losses and move on.

THE DETAILS
My husband and I met in March of last year. We started dating, and our relationship moved forward very fast. In the end of April, my husband decided to drop out of college and pressured me to get married so we could stay together (otherwise he would have to go back to his home country). We got married in August of last year and, due to our very short relationship, we really didn't know each other very well. 

When we first got married, we decided to combine all of our finances. At that point, my finances were in very good shape (no debt, significant savings) and his weren't (significant debt, no savings, no job). So we decided to use my savings to pay his debts to avoid paying additional interest on his debt. 

Other than a few odd jobs, my husband was unemployed until May this year. Finances were extremely tight because I barely make enough to support myself, but he just kept spending money. He always wanted to dine out and buy expensive things that we didn't need. He took over responsibility for cooking our meals, but refused to stretch the grocery budget and insisted on cooking fancy meals with expensive specialty ingredients. Our financial situation made me very uncomfortable because I have never been in debt in my life and have always been very frugal.

In addition to financial problems, we had a lot of problems between us. While I won't go into everything, we spent a lot of time having really nasy horrible arguments where he would yell and scream at me and purposeful say very hurtful things. He became a very defensive person, so I couldn't even mention any issue without him becoming very upset and starting a loud argument. I also realized that he is a very weak person (physically and especially emotionally) and that was a huge turnoff. He was unable to handle dealing with any of his personal problems, so he dumped them all on me. He became very clingy and codependent, so he wouldn't make any decision by himself or do anything for himself. He was also unable to provide any emotional support and became very selfish. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him my problems or feelings because he would either (1) turn it around and make it about himself (2) become extremely defensive or (3) use it against me during a later fight or argument. 

Due to all of these problems, I became very disillusioned with the marriage. I stopped caring about him or the relationship and I felt very angry and resentful. Our home was full of constant tension and negativity and this really impacted my mood. I started working very late (even when I didn't need to) just to avoid going home. When he got angry with me, I'd just stand there trying to tune him out while he yelled at me and I didn't say anything back to him. During many of our arguments, he would threaten divorce (he did this starting less than 1 week after we got married). Since I was feeling so disillusioned and extremely unhappy, I started researching divorce and the requirements to have one.

In May, my husband was offered a job out of state. He accepted the job and moved there, while I stayed behind. We decided that it would be good for us to have time apart (a separation). We are still currently separated, but we talk on the phone about once per week. 

My husband has decided that he really wants us to get back together and tells me he's sorry for all the things he did wrong and he will make changes. I am, of course, very skeptical because, even when he knew the problems in our relationship, he never fixed anything despite having many chances. We recently spent the 4th of July together (he came to visit) and it was pleasant. He is taking this as a sign that we're getting back together. But it only makes me more confused. How can 1 vacation day really demonstrate any lasting changes?

I am undecided about this relationship. It's a hard decision to make. I feel like saving this marriage may not be impossible, but I wonder if it's worth putting in the effort. When we married, I barely knew him and during our marriage, all I knew was very bad times. Is it worth holding onto something that's only ever been bad hoping that it will change? I have been suffering from depression since January due to the stress and sadness of living in this relationship. While I'm still depressed now, I am feeling a lot better and more at peace than when he was here. 

I've been in individual counseling for a few weeks and my counselor is advising me to focus on the present and try to "date" my husband. I feel very resistent to this advice, because based on the past I'm not sure if it's worth effort trying to rebuild things. And the reason people often date for years is that it's impossible to get to know the real person in only a few non-consecutive days per month. So even if things go well on our "dates", how can I have any certainty that daily life would be better than before? A part of me feels like, why put in the time and effort to "date" my husband, when I could be focusing on myself and moving on or even dating someone without such an awful track record.

I'm sorry this post ended up getting so long, I just wanted to spell out all the details of the situation. Thank you so much to anyone who reads this. I would greatly appreciate advice from anyone with insight into my situation. Thank you!


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

How old are you? are quick relationships like this common for you?

having dated 4 months is a VERY short time period, most "honeymoon" periods last 6 months to a year, you know, that period where they seem perfect as you are overwhelmed and infatuated by them and think they can do no wrong. Once this period ends you see the real person and the real relationship that you are in. This is typically why alot of people dont have many relationships that last much more than a 6 months.

to me it sounds like you rushed into things and once you got to know your real husband you were happy with the marriage. I dont know how old you are but i would set a time limit, 6 months or maybe at most a year and take the therapists advice, kind of start over and date your husband again, start from scratch and get to know him see if he is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I recommend the time limit as you need to give yourself time to get to know him plus you need to outlast his patience, aka if hes putting on a show of being a nice guy eventually he will get sick of doing that and stop and be the real guy that he is and you need to see those characteristics. Also, you dont want to give him forever, after 6 mo to a year if hes still a jerk and the two of you dont get along there is no point in continuing you might as well just end it and start over while you can, dont wait 10 or 15 years and then realize hes not right at which point your chances of finding someone else are greatly decreased.


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## invertedrose (Jul 28, 2012)

I would say to try couple's counseling, but in the mean time please make sure you do not get pregnant! Pregnancy can put a great deal of stress on a healthy marriage, nonetheless one that is already strained! Hugs, I hope all goes well


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

confusedwife1 said:


> In the end of April, my husband decided to drop out of college and pressured me to get married so we could stay together (otherwise he would have to go back to his home country).


Bad Move #1 : Suspect Motive for getting married




confusedwife1 said:


> (significant debt, no savings, no job). So we decided to use my savings to pay his debts to avoid paying additional interest on his debt.


Bad Move #2 : Paying debts of someone who is starting to smell like a loser




confusedwife1 said:


> He took over responsibility for cooking our meals, but refused to stretch the grocery budget and insisted on cooking fancy meals with expensive specialty ingredients.


Irresponsible with money. Has no concept of budgeting




confusedwife1 said:


> we spent a lot of time having really nasy horrible arguments where he would yell and scream at me and purposeful say very hurtful things. He became a very defensive person, so I couldn't even mention any issue without him becoming very upset and starting a loud argument. I also realized that he is a very weak person (physically and especially emotionally) and that was a huge turnoff. He was unable to handle dealing with any of his personal problems, so he dumped them all on me. He became very clingy and codependent, so he wouldn't make any decision by himself or do anything for himself. He was also unable to provide any emotional support and became very selfish. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him my problems or feelings because he would either (1) turn it around and make it about himself (2) become extremely defensive or (3) use it against me during a later fight or argument.


Can you name some of his good qualities? (if he has any )





confusedwife1 said:


> When he got angry with me, I'd just stand there trying to tune him out while he yelled at me and I didn't say anything back to him. During many of our arguments, he would threaten divorce (he did this starting less than 1 week after we got married).


He is treating you like a doormat. You have every right to be resentful. Seems a bit delusional on his end considering he is completely dependent on you for finances and staying in the country.





confusedwife1 said:


> My husband has decided that he really wants us to get back together and tells me he's sorry for all the things he did wrong and he will make changes. .........How can 1 vacation day really demonstrate any lasting changes?


It doesn't. People don't change overnight. All it means he has figured out that you are the best he can probably do so he wants to continue doing what he did. He is just telling you what you want to hear so you will let him back in his life. He has taken advantage of you once and will do it again (that just his nature, humans are slaves to their nature).



> I am undecided about this relationship. It's a hard decision to make.


Not really. The answer seems quite obvious.



> Is it worth holding onto something that's only ever been bad hoping that it will change? I have been suffering from depression since January due to the stress and sadness of living in this relationship.


Its not. You just have difficulty accepting the inevitable demise of your relationship. Your marriage never had a stable foundation and therefore started to crumble as soon as it started. You guys are not alike by any means. He will continue to take advantage of you and abuse you as long as you are willing to take it. 

I'll be interested in knowing why you got involved with such a guy when so many red flags were being waved in your face - dropped out of college, no job, lots of debt etc.
Felt sorry for him?
Low self esteem?


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