# I have NO idea what to do... need advice



## mndln (Oct 4, 2016)

Hi, I new to this whole forum thing- I just don't have anyone closed I can talk to. My husband and I have been together for 10 years- with a 1.5 year separation (I'll get to that). We have 3 wonderful children.. For the length of our relationship we have had the same issue continually arise- He gets caught sexting, asking co-workers/ exs for racy pictures, cheating... We even separated when I caught him the 2nd time. Now I know most people would say- "It's only texting, etc.- harmless" but my view is that theses women are people he actually KNOWS and WORKS with- not just some random model / porn star in which he would never meet. 
As it is now and has been for 9 months- he only works part-time and is going back to school- So I'm am the primary breadwinner and pay all expenses- That hurts too! I feel that I am trying to do all I can so that WE as a FAMILY can have a better life- and he doesn't respect me enough to chill with the inappropriate texts.. 
We have had ongoing issues- which led me to believe this may be happening again (same as previous times). I have asked him multiple times to find a counselor (he doesn't like the ones I choose) and make an appointment- He has yet to do so- this has been going on 2 months. 
I confronted him with the 'evidence' and he said NOTHING- just stood there and has yet to say another word to me- I was hoping for some remorse, regret, graveling ... anything- I feel like he doesn't respect me 
I am considering ending it all- for good this time. I know it would disrupt the family BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. Should I let this slide again and hope he puts an end to it or put my foot down?
Sorry so long


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

*Re: I have NO idea what to dao... need advice*



mndln said:


> Now I know most people would say- "It's only texting, etc.- harmless"


Wrong. Most people here would say what I am going to write. GTFO.

I am leaving my wife over similar issues (though obviously there are other things). Why would you want to be with someone like this? It is unhealthy. He's an a-hole. This is clearly grounds for divorce and probably a kick in the nuts.

Btw, he will never end it if you don't actually leave him. Then it's up to you to believe it, and I'd say, don't. Don't ever believe it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Does he help around the home and share in the responsibilities? How is he with money, does he spend time with you and the family? Also, how is the sex life at home?

My advice at present to detach for now. You are doubting your motivation for self-respect and worth to someone that as far as I can see lacks impulse control. The longer you remain attach, the more you suffer mentally and emotionally. Talk with friends and family for support, and concentrate on your career, family, and yourself. Do not give him the time nor energy at the moment as it is not something worht investing in. Would you rather give that love and care to someone that respects and cares about you, or the guy that constantly cheates, lies, and does nothing to work on himself?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

mndln said:


> Now I know most people would say- "It's only texting, etc.- harmless" but my view is that theses women are people he actually KNOWS and WORKS with- not just some random model / porn star in which he would never meet.
> 
> 
> Should I let this slide again and hope he puts an end to it or put my foot down?
> Sorry so long


BS. It's not harmless. Probably no one on this site is going to tell you otherwise. There are some large threads on this site that are dealing with this exact same issue and it's destroying or has destroyed their marriage. Also, if he's doing this with co-workers, there's a good chance that it's gone physical. 

No, don't let it slide (aka rug sweeping)! It's not the first time (it's the 2nd time THAT YOU KNOW OF) and nor will it be the last time.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

It is a big deal.
Problem is the one at fault normally thinks it's just harmless texting and since nothing went physical you shouldn't be upset.
Frankly they develop an emotional connection when they text like that and they put the attention they are supposed to be putting into you and the marriage into this other person.
I know...believe me.
It hurts.

Sometimes you can reconcile but they need to be willing to do what needs to be done in order to allow that. Sounds like your husband isn't willing to do anything.
How old are your kids?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I had a similar situation in my second marriage. He never did stop the online nonsense.

What he is doing is wrong and very hurtful to you. It's not trivial or silly. He is seriously disrespecting you and apparently has no intent to stop. But he keeps doing it because he believes that you will not leave him. After all, you keep raising a stink about it but you stay.

He's not going to stop being disrespectful of you. Instead he will only grow to be more and more disrespectful. Basically by staying, you are enabling his disrespect of you.

Your only recourse here is to leave this guy. 

You need to put together an exit plan. Would you like help to develop it?


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## mndln (Oct 4, 2016)

Thanks for your reply- Here are a few additional details- No he does not contribute financially due to the fact he is in school full time- which I initially supported but he did not find employment as he promised. 
He does help with the children's basic needs- HW, bath time, school transportation- but not much more. Sex has been a constant argument- I know it partially my fault-but there's been resentment building when I work full time- do all housework, children activities/ appointments and then he just expects it.. We , as a couple, never do anything together- I get home from work- he leaves to hang out with friends or tinker in the garage- he usually falls asleep on the couch (unless he wants sexy time)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago was the separation?

Did the two of you go to counseling during that separation? What prompted you to go back with him?


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## mndln (Oct 4, 2016)

We separated about 3 years ago... He promised he would stop- that i would be able to have access to all his accounts- I love him and believed him. 
About the exit plan- the house is mine (i acquired it when single)- He has no income (to speak of) and no where to go.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

mndln said:


> Thanks for your reply- Here are a few additional details- No he does not contribute financially due to the fact he is in school full time- which I initially supported but he did not find employment as he promised.
> He does help with the children's basic needs- HW, bath time, school transportation- but not much more. Sex has been a constant argument- I know it partially my fault-but there's been resentment building when I work full time- do all housework, children activities/ appointments and then he just expects it.. We , as a couple, never do anything together- I get home from work- he leaves to hang out with friends or tinker in the garage- he usually falls asleep on the couch (unless he wants sexy time)



So, you are a convenience to him. He wants you for sex, but does not spend time with you, he want s sex, but leaves the majority of responsibility on you, he is okay with not sharing a lot of the financial nor household chores. He is pretty much a stay-at-home parent, but expects you to do most of the work. Sorry, he lacks respect for you because he can get away with disrespecting you. Why should he be mature if you are willing to forgive him without him putting in any effort.

The truth when it comes to human behavior is that most things that cause us to change is catastrophic events such as trauma. Look at your own situation and how much pain he is putting you through. It is causing you to develop protective mechanisms such as not wanting sex or intimacy because you do not want to be hurt. My advice is to detach in a healthy manner and cut intimacy and sex for the correct reason such as detaching and protecting yourself from bonding further with someone that will constantly hurt you.

Also, the cost of family at all cost may be your mental health, your children's mental and emotional development. Imagine your children ending up healthy like you or your husband. Yo both imprint your values, behavior onto your children. You can do a lot more damage in just staying so do not think by staying, you are doing it for the children. They need stability.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would have him move out, he will never change he has proven that he can't keep a promise and sicked you back in.

You seem very able to take care of yourself, since he is not contributing anyway. It will be hard but you will be thankful you sent him packing and move on with your life after you do it.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

So he is a heel and a leach who does not respect you or care about what his children would think of him. He is not worth the air he breathes and waste of the space he occupies. Throwing him out will disrupt the family, HOW?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you should take action right away. He clearly is showing no respect to you or your children. He also doesn't do his share of paying the family expenses since he only works part time. You shouldn't be supporting this slug anymore. Cut him lose and expose his actions to his family and his workplace. They deserve to know that he's doing this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

mndln said:


> Hi, I new to this whole forum thing- I just don't have anyone closed I can talk to. My husband and I have been together for 10 years- with a 1.5 year separation (I'll get to that). We have 3 wonderful children.. For the length of our relationship we have had the same issue continually arise- He gets caught sexting, asking co-workers/ exs for racy pictures, cheating... We even separated when I caught him the 2nd time. *Now I know most people would say- "It's only texting, etc.- harmless" but my view is that theses women are people he actually KNOWS and WORKS with- not just some random model / porn star in which he would never meet.*
> As it is now and has been for 9 months- he only works part-time and is going back to school- So I'm am the primary breadwinner and pay all expenses- That hurts too! I feel that I am trying to do all I can so that WE as a FAMILY can have a better life- and he doesn't respect me enough to chill with the inappropriate texts..
> We have had ongoing issues- which led me to believe this may be happening again (same as previous times). I have asked him multiple times to find a counselor (he doesn't like the ones I choose) and make an appointment- He has yet to do so- this has been going on 2 months.
> I confronted him with the 'evidence' and he said NOTHING- just stood there and has yet to say another word to me- I was hoping for some remorse, regret, graveling ... anything- I feel like he doesn't respect me
> ...


I have not read any of the replies, but had to address one glaring point in your post...

For myself, and many others, I vehemently disagree that this behavior is in any way shape or form acceptable. It is not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce him. He is completely disrespecting you and the marriage, and he is not going to change. He sees you staying around as permission to do whatever the hell he wants. Is this what you want for your life and the example you want for your children?

And NO, sexting and flirting in text is in no way, shape or form acceptable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump the chump.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mndln said:


> We separated about 3 years ago... He promised he would stop- that i would be able to have access to all his accounts- I love him and believed him.
> 
> About the exit plan- the house is mine (i acquired it when single)- He has no income (to speak of) and no where to go.


You will want to talk to a lawyer about the house. Depending on the state in which you live, he could own 50% of the equity in the home that has accrued since the day you married. If you are paying a mortgage, those payments are being made out of marital income, thus converting the home to marital property.

Too bad that he has no income and nowhere to go. That's his problem. 

Of course depending on your state, you could end up having to pay him alimony until he finds a job.

Where did he live when you were separated?

Does he have any family or friends anywhere that he can move in with?

What are the things that you do for him? Do you do his laundry? Do you cook food for him? Whatever you do, stop doing it. Let his laundry pile up. Let him do his own food shopping. Stop doing anything for him.


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## mndln (Oct 4, 2016)

Update: After he did not speak one word to me for 2 days- I couldn't take it. I asked him if he was even sorry- He said "yeah, I'm sorry but I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve" Then he hinted that it's my fault because he's been telling me how important sex is to him and I haven't delivered. His words were "well, I've been telling you..."
Why wouldn't he use good ole fashioned internet porn? Why ask people he knows and who knows about me ?? He said it's not like they did anything.. just asking for pics.- BUT I think that was fishing- and if anyone of the women took the bait, in my mind he would've done it. 
My heart is breaking.. He said "well we tried- It didn't work" AFTER ALL THIS TIME- that's the response I get...


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

mndln said:


> Hi, I new to this whole forum thing- I just don't have anyone closed I can talk to. My husband and I have been together for 10 years- with a 1.5 year separation (I'll get to that). We have 3 wonderful children.. For the length of our relationship we have had the same issue continually arise- He gets caught sexting, asking co-workers/ exs for racy pictures, cheating... We even separated when I caught him the 2nd time. Now I know most people would say- "It's only texting, etc.- harmless" but my view is that theses women are people he actually KNOWS and WORKS with- not just some random model / porn star in which he would never meet.
> As it is now and has been for 9 months- he only works part-time and is going back to school- So I'm am the primary breadwinner and pay all expenses- That hurts too! I feel that I am trying to do all I can so that WE as a FAMILY can have a better life- and he doesn't respect me enough to chill with the inappropriate texts..
> We have had ongoing issues- which led me to believe this may be happening again (same as previous times). I have asked him multiple times to find a counselor (he doesn't like the ones I choose) and make an appointment- He has yet to do so- this has been going on 2 months.
> I confronted him with the 'evidence' and he said NOTHING- just stood there and has yet to say another word to me- I was hoping for some remorse, regret, graveling ... anything- I feel like he doesn't respect me
> ...


What respect?

He does not respect you.

You do not respect him enough to be upfront with him. It isn't YOUR fault if there is a disruption. You are allowed to voice discontentment, and certainly concerning this topic. It is your choice whether he has a chance or not. That said, if you do want him to have a chance, you have to be willing to walk. Otherwise, he will never find his catalyst.

You DO know what to do.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

mndln said:


> Update: After he did not speak one word to me for 2 days- I couldn't take it. I asked him if he was even sorry- He said "yeah, I'm sorry but I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve" Then he hinted that it's my fault because he's been telling me how important sex is to him and I haven't delivered. His words were "well, I've been telling you..."
> 
> Why wouldn't he use good ole fashioned internet porn? Why ask people he knows and who knows about me ?? He said it's not like they did anything.. just asking for pics.- BUT I think that was fishing- and if anyone of the women took the bait, in my mind he would've done it.
> 
> My heart is breaking.. He said "well we tried- It didn't work" AFTER ALL THIS TIME- that's the response I get...




I'm sorry but you probably have your answer. Even though it sucks, you have to believe what your spouse is telling you.

If you want clarification, then just be direct at this point because he seems to be saying he already threw in the towel.

"H - just to be 100% clear - are you saying that you aren't willing to do any work or put in any effort to save our marriage?"

See what he says. Don't argue. He may agree with that, in which case you are probably done.

OR - he might "go off on you" and express how he actually feels. Again - I caution against arguing - just take it and listen. The reason is he sounds very immature and very unwilling to acknowledge his feelings or express them. There's a possibility he could unleash some resentment that he has been harboring that makes him feel justified in hurting you.

I'm NOT saying this is ok. I AM saying if there is any hope, it will only happen if you are both at the table AND you both express how you feel.

Anything short of this is rug sweeping. 

I've read time and again women say they've lost respect for their H when he says something hurtful. And I've always felt this is immature and really is about protecting ourselves and our vulnerabilities. Instead, a more mature partner would allow an outburst of poorly worded, clumsy raw emotion, then start to work out the real issues.

It would be nice to think we were all in command of our emotions, thoughts and actions. It's simply not true. And your H seems very low on the emotional maturity scale.

So I'm sorry you find yourself here, and I don't want you to take the above as any reflection on you or any thought that you are responsible for this. I only make these recommendations if you want to save the marriage, because H doesn't seem to have it in hm to lead in this area.

BTW even if this starts a more open dialog, he still has to own his 5hit before there is any hope for R.

Good luck.


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