# How do I know when to move on?



## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

My counselor said max 6 months without marriage counseling because after 6 months, the separation becomes familiar and comfortable. Any success stories after 6 months? I know the 180 plan, but when or do I move forward with something that won't make me feel strung along?
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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm far from it. I'm only on my 2nd month, 1 month COMPLETE separation. I got a long ways to go. 

I don't know. I'm trying to focus on myself and keep myself happy, but it's still so painful. 

I wish you well, I truly do.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

S2K.

You will no longer feel strung along when you start feeling your own self worth.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> S2K.
> 
> You will no longer feel strong along when you start feeling your own self worth.


So even without a divorce you don't necessarily have the feeling of being strung along? Explain how without him making a choice you can avoid that feeling please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

S2K, Up is right. You should be moving on all the time. Your life while in the confines of that marriage should have been about developing yourself and protecting yourself as part of that partnership. What is it you're waiting for? Work on you and when you get that right it will become painfully clear about what you need to do. Right now you're your biggest problem And solution. As they say, sink or swim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Explain how without him making a choice you can avoid that feeling please.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Because, YOU have to make a choice, not him. At least that is what I had to do. My STBXH said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. I didn't want a divorce. Well it's been 3 months and a few days. He is still unsure what he wants, he kept me stringing along, so I could be his plan B, if his plan A didn't work out. (the other woman he was seeing!). So I had to decide if I was willing to go through this pain again or move on. It is hard to move on (trust me) but it was the healthiest thing to do. Who cares what he wants, you decide if you are going to let him continue to hurt you this way or are you going to move on away from this pain. Because history shows, if they hurt you this way once, they probably will do it again.

Good luck


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> So even without a divorce you don't necessarily have the feeling of being strung along? Explain how without him making a choice you can avoid that feeling please.


Sep2k---I was strung along for 1.8 years. After the first year, I started to get it. Work on me, that was my focus. When you make your emotional health and finding your identity as a person takes center stage, it really doesn't matter what they do. All of a sudden, you make the decision for them. You respect yourself so much that you don't see the value in being with someone who doesn't see you for the amazing person you are. You feel being strung along because your measure of yourself is predicated on what "they" do. As human beings, we were not designed for that. We are each individuals, and we need to be capable of bringing our whole individual selves to any situation.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

In my heart, I would love to be able to see STBXW come back. I am not certain she has had anything to do with anyone else. But the fact she decided to walk away without a fight.....forced me to call on a D. I'm finding it hard to file though.....deep down I don't want to but I have to. Too much has happened and now that she seems to be fishing.....it's best to cut off the snake's head before it can bite.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I'm 2 months seperated. the stbxw just sent me an email that she will be filing the divorce paperwork after the holidays.. The pain is so intense sometimes. I can seem to quit thinking about her. I am still so very much in love with her but she has made it clear she wants to be single. I hate this feeling but it's not as painful as the day she walked out.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> My counselor said max 6 months without marriage counseling because after 6 months, the separation becomes familiar and comfortable. Any success stories after 6 months? I know the 180 plan, but when or do I move forward with something that won't make me feel strung along?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



All success R stories I know are after the 6th month . It needs time to realize what they done and what they lost . and that the grass isn't greener out there .


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> All success R stories I know are after the 6th month . It needs time to realize what they done and what they lost . and that the grass isn't greener out there .


This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.

That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.
> 
> That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.


exactly. This is what i have seen as well. 1 year or so. 

with 1 year of changes under my belt, why would i want to go back? Screw that noise.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.
> 
> That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.



Yes ,thinking of it I see it around the year mark too ( the R stories I've seen )


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Taking a small demographic and basing your life choices on it is no different than handing over control of your life to someone else.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

A year is a reaaaallly long time. How do we bear it?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Satya said:


> It only feels long if we don't fill it with things to better ourselves. At least, my last year has positively flown by.


Mine has too. I am so grateful for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

I've been attending the same church for nearly 20 years but my husband still goes and it's difficult to see him. I'm going to ask my counselor if I should attend a different church until I feel ready to go back.
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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I've been attending the same church for nearly 20 years but my husband still goes and it's difficult to see him. I'm going to ask my counselor if I should attend a different church until I feel ready to go back.


ABSOLUTELY. I posed the same question to my therapist. I made the change, and it has blessed me immensely. I met new people, and started a new chapter in my recovery. For you, it is necessary to take away the familiarity. I got into a divorce recovery class.......THAT will help you find your identity in Christ and your true value as a follower of God.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

I have decided to attend a different church, break contact with some mutual friends and have him pick out daughter up through my parents (I live with them). A part of me says I'm running away, but I know that's not true because i do t run away from things. In my life I have dealt with them to the point of hurt. I believe it will be a lot easier if I don't see him, because God understands that it's certainly not easy seeing him everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I have decided to attend a different church, break contact with some mutual friends and have him pick out daughter up through my parents (I live with them). A part of me says I'm running away, but I know that's not true because i do t run away from things. In my life I have dealt with them to the point of hurt. I believe it will be a lot easier if I don't see him, because God understands that it's certainly not easy seeing him everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is far from running away.

It's what you feel you need.

What you are okay with.

Also known as.

Boundaries.

Good for you.

A step in the right direction to taking care of YOURSELF first.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> That is far from running away.
> 
> It's what you feel you need.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Boundaries is a much better word. I'm separating myself as much as possible from him to heal. Seeing him makes me wish that the "signs" were real. He didn't invite me to his birthday party tomorrow. That hurt. It also helped me to make this decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

It really is hard to let go of them when you've been a part of each others lives for years. 

I agree with the other posters, you're not running away. You're just protecting yourself.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Thank you. Boundaries is a much better word. I'm separating myself as much as possible from him to heal. Seeing him makes me wish that the "signs" were real. He didn't invite me to his birthday party tomorrow. That hurt. It also helped me to make this decision.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you know deep down it was for the best you didn't get invited.

He did you a favor.

I'm 8 or so months into this S2K.

Been up and down probably every wave you can.

A LOT of it was self induced.

I've been called the nicest little masochist one too many times around here.

Looking back though, hardly anything was ever 'initiated' by my ex.

Tonight, I was asked if I wanted to join her and the kids for dinner tomorrow before we take them to see Santa.

That is probably one of maybe a small handful of 'invites' from her in the last 8 months.

I looked at it, thought about it for a second and without any emotion (indifference) I thanked her for the offer and said I would rather meet them after they were done.

What good will it do me?

None.

I used to try and use my kids as an excuse for it, as early as a month ago.

The thing is, my kids aren't going to die or suffer if I turn down a dinner with my ex.

They see us 'get along' plenty at exchanges and whenever they know we are discussing something on the phone.

I straight up did not want to even bother getting into it at a dinner.

Dealing with any questions that may come up, 'sharing' my life.

As long as the kids are okay and taken care of when they are with mom on her time, that's all I need to know.

I wasn't running away.

There isn't anything to run away from.

I know that for me myself, it serves no benefit.

And it's okay to be selfish sometimes.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> And it's okay to be selfish sometimes.


Up--I wouldnt' define it as selfish. I would define it as making sure your kids have a father that is emotionally and mentally healthy. It's acually quite selfless......because your deep down desire is to have your family together.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Up--I wouldnt' define it as selfish. I would define it as making sure your kids have a father that is emotionally and mentally healthy. It's acually quite selfless......because your deep down desire is to have your family together.


I agree.

Although, I'm sure many would "feel" like turning down an invitation from an ex because they "can't" or "don't want to", especially when the kids are present as selfish.

Even if the real reason is for self preservation and to make a better and stronger self.

I think a lot of the starting hurdles for many is guilt when doing something for themselves.

They cannot even contemplate how a healthy and aware self could spread out to those they care for.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

I'm not hurting a possible reconciliation by having zero contact with him, right? It hurts to see him so I'm moving forward and doing things for myself. I would like to R (if that door opens). So basically it's if he misses me or that he sees that he desires a family (providing not an additional family with another woman), correct? Again, there has been no infidelity. There's been hurtful words back and forth but he lost his brother, mom and sister all within 4 years.
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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

So there has been a lot that has happened. I believe that the ones responding know my story.
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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You're on the right track S2000. Guys are assimilated to show no emotion early. It's hard to convey them. All you can do is have him aware you are there to listen and will not pass judgement. I agree with not being around him, it makes it impossible to mourn and heal.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> You're on the right track S2000. Guys are assimilated to show no emotion early. It's hard to convey them. All you can do is have him aware you are there to listen and will not pass judgement. I agree with not being around him, it makes it impossible to mourn and heal.


How can I show him that without contact?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I'm not hurting a possible reconciliation by having zero contact with him, right? It hurts to see him so I'm moving forward and doing things for myself. I would like to R (if that door opens). So basically it's if he misses me or that he sees that he desires a family (providing not an additional family with another woman), correct? Again, there has been no infidelity. There's been hurtful words back and forth but he lost his brother, mom and sister all within 4 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're doing great . Don't contact him at all , let him see what is out there , miss you and then he'll knock on your door !


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> How can I show him that without contact?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No contact means " I don't care what you doing , how you doing , how you look etc " .

It is like you really moved on and doesn't give a crap about him !

Meanwhile work on you self . Mentally and psychically ! 

Lose weight , change your hair stile and color , buy new clothes , dress sexy ,tan , put the smile on your face , walk confident etc .

Then one day exchange the kids and act happy sexy , cool, firm and confident .

When you exchange the kids if you have a man friend with you ... you'll kill him ! He'll cry his a$$ off .

Believe me, as a man I know how to make a man jealous and willing to pursue you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

S2000 from what you have said, you made it aware you're willing to listen, but he has to talk. You left your cards on the table. It's his call. Yes complete NC, let him know the prize he is losing. Tough love.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> No contact means " I don't care what you doing , how you doing , how you look etc " .
> 
> It is like you really moved on and doesn't give a crap about him !
> 
> ...


I am already a beautiful woman  it's not that I can't get another man, because I could in a second. I'm not looking to make him jealous, I'm looking to have peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Make him jealous is the quickest way to get him back in my opinion .

Changing your hair stile/color is to make you feel better and change little bit of your self esteem , to be mysterious etc


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Make him jealous is the quickest way to get him back in my opinion .
> 
> Changing your hair stile/color is to make you feel better and change little bit of your self esteem , to be mysterious etc


I change my hair all te time. That's nothing new haha. I'm saving up to get a wardrobe that I want. I'm not going to be seeing him though, so how would that make him jealous? Like if he hears from someone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

What do I say when he asks me why I'm going to another church? He will most likely ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> What do I say when he asks me why I'm going to another church? He will most likely ask.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rude : Non of you business !

Polite : I decided to explore other church services for now , thank you for asking !

Or you can not answer if you don't feel like.

And yes, word of month is very strong " marketing " strategy . When you change your look there will be someone to see you and tell him .


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

S2000- Ok. I'm going to give you some advice. Choose to hear it or not. Do not do anything to make him jealous. Do not do anything to get any kind of reaction out of him. That is manipulation. You will be doing it out of your own desires to get him back. Even if it works, it won't be right. Do not play games. Games are for teenagers.

In regards on what to say why you changed churches: "I need a fresh start." And, stop talking.

You want peace....this is the way.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

^ I agree completely. 

Even if what you did get him back, you couldn't be sure it was for the right reasons. He needs to come to this conclusion on his own, in his own time, or he won't have seen what he lost.

In the meantime you should work on making you happy. you can't know if he will ever come back, so the focus needs to be on you. Hell i moved 500 miles away, because I have to assume its really over (and in my case I'd bet everything I have that it is). 

If you make decisions based on a possible future with him right now, all you are doing is putting your life on hold.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> If you make decisions based on a possible future with him right now, all you are doing is putting your life on hold.


:iagree:


Someone said - Hope delivers misery !

I agree with you .


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Someone actually said "hope's only gift is misery." 

S2k, you don't want a relationship filled with manipulation and lies. He may become jealous as a result of all your change but that shouldn't be the goal. changing your hair (for example) and going out a lot and changing your church are about creating new experiences that aren't tied to familiar patterns. So it diminishes the bad and increases the good. There's also a component of retail therapy in that which most people respond well to.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> Someone actually said "hope's only gift is misery."
> 
> S2k, you don't want a relationship filled with manipulation and lies. He may become jealous as a result of all your change but that shouldn't be the goal. changing your hair (for example) and going out a lot and changing your church are about creating new experiences that aren't tied to familiar patterns. So it diminishes the bad and increases the good. There's also a component of retail therapy in that which most people respond well to.


I agree. It's not my character to do that anyways. It's not very lady-like. Question for ya'll, awkward moment in the hallway at church. I assumed that My husband was saying hi but he was trying to give me a high-5 instead. Whether I did it or not, it would have been awkward, but why would he try?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

separated2000 said:


> I agree. It's not my character to do that anyways. It's not very lady-like. Question for ya'll, awkward moment in the hallway at church. I assumed that My husband was saying hi but he was trying to give me a high-5 instead. Whether I did it or not, it would have been awkward, but why would he try?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alleviate his own guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

To run from guilt keeps them from facing reality. One can not run forever. The day will come when it catches up and must be dealt with. For the one who walked away.....that is a D-Day they will have trouble handling.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> So it diminishes the bad and increases the good. There's also a component of retail therapy in that which most people respond well to.


Who'll respond well , s2000 or her STBMXH ?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

What is "D-Day"? Also, guilt from what? Separating or feeling bad for what he's putting me through?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Also, if he was confident in his decision to separate, why would he feel guilt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> What is "D-Day"? Also, guilt from what? Separating or feeling bad for what he's putting me through?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I want to know. What is D-Day?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

D-Day is mostly coined as discovery day of the other's affair but it is also termed as when the spouse who walked out is hit by a giant 2x4 and wakes up to what has happened.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> D-Day is mostly coined as discovery day of the other's affair but it is also termed as when the spouse who walked out is hit by a giant 2x4 and wakes up to what has happened.


Oh. I can't wait for that day. Chuck, did you see my new thread about my new discovery? Check it out and tell me what you think.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

S2k, what Ded says above plus... people are rarely ever the same person twice through the sep/vorce process. everyone is a c0cktail of should i / could i / would i. this is why a lot of us point out that the little things don't matter too much in this process. your union is heavily damaged. smiles and hi-fives aren't going to fix that. not by far.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> D-Day is mostly coined as discovery day of the other's affair but it is also termed as when the spouse who walked out is hit by a giant 2x4 and wakes up to what has happened.


Where can I find out about these terms? I get lost sometimes haha do you know what "bs" means. The normal "vs" didn't match with what was being said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Oh my bad , I was talking about my Divorce day that is tomorrow .



> Also, if he was confident in his decision to separate, why would he feel guilt?



Because he isn't ( same as my W ) , at some point they all start to wonder " did I do the right think or not " .


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Where can I find out about these terms? I get lost sometimes haha do you know what "bs" means. The normal "vs" didn't match with what was being said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your all-in-one dictionary of TAM-speak. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Also, if he was confident in his decision to separate, why would he feel guilt?


Regardless of whether he is confident or not in his decision, there is a right and a wrong. He is following his flesh and his desires to fix what is ailing him on the inside by blaming you. There are two things that come with following the flesh---guilt and sin. He knows that seperation is wrong and divorce is selfish. That makes him guilty, but he is so broken inside he doesn't know what else to do. All of this will lead to regret down the road.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Regardless of whether he is confident or not in his decision, there is a right and a wrong. He is following his flesh and his desires to fix what is ailing him on the inside by blaming you. There are two things that come with following the flesh---guilt and sin. He knows that seperation is wrong and divorce is selfish. That makes him guilty, but he is so broken inside he doesn't know what else to do. All of this will lead to regret down the road.



Thank you D2H :smthumbup:

I think this is exactly what my W is/have , or at least she is acting like this.... I think. 

Can you describe some of the symptoms ?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Regardless of whether he is confident or not in his decision, there is a right and a wrong. He is following his flesh and his desires to fix what is ailing him on the inside by blaming you. There are two things that come with following the flesh---guilt and sin. He knows that seperation is wrong and divorce is selfish. That makes him guilty, but he is so broken inside he doesn't know what else to do. All of this will lead to regret down the road.


PREACH! Dedicated, Preach! Hey, can you all my wife and talk some sense into her? seriously.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> All of this will lead to regret down the road.


Or maybe not. Some people are just that broken. To think that there may be redemption down the road is to have an unwarranted degree of hope.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Or maybe not. Some people are just that broken. To think that there may be redemption down the road is to have an unwarranted degree of hope.


It's not about redemption. They may never admit the regret, that doesn't mean they don't have it. Some people are just too prideful. I'm not saying the regret will lead them back. I'm saying it will exist.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Or maybe not. Some people are just that broken. To think that there may be redemption down the road is to have an unwarranted degree of hope.



I'm 100000% sure they all will regret , admitting it is different story !


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> It's not about redemption. They may never admit the regret, that doesn't mean they don't have it. Some people are just too prideful. *I'm not saying the regret will lead them back.* * I'm saying it will exist.*





BigMac said:


> *I'm 100000% sure they all will regret* , admitting it is different story !


I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Thank you D2H
> 
> I think this is exactly what my W is/have , or at least she is acting like this.... I think.
> 
> Can you describe some of the symptoms ?


Let me give you an example: To this day, my ex will buy a large bag of almonds when she goes to the store. She hates almonds, but she knows that I use them because of my healthy lifestyle. She, then, will give them to me when I pick up the kids with a "I don't know if you still eat these, but, I figured you might want them." She doesn't have to do this. In fact, she does it to make herself feel better. 

Everytime I bring the kids to her in the morning after having them on a weekday night, I bring her a coffee from starbucks. She specifically asked me to stop. She said, "don't get me wrong, it is so nice, but you don't need to do this." It made her feel guilty.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

BigMac said:


> I'm 100000% sure they all will regret , admitting it is different story !


Oh Mac, you are such an unrepentant romantic. You're like a lost Bronte sister.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


I've seen the regret hit 30 years later........I've watched women who got remarried and had wonderful relationships with there new spouse utter the words "I wish things would have been different" in their 70's about the divorce that happened in their 40s. They were the wayward.


And let me add this: The regret can be alleviated. When you learn the truth, it stings at first. Harshly. But, if they have true Godly sorrow, then the truth sets them free, and they can live a life free of regret.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

D2H , so every time I do something to her like bring her dinner , or lunch she feels guilty ? Is this why she say like 2 weeks ago " being nice to me makes it hard " ? 
Ha ha , if yes then I'll continue doing it and be nice to her, just for the heck of it 

@Orpheus , I'm pretty sure in the regret they'll have but again it doesn't mean it will bring them back ! ... or even if it brings them back , why should we take them ?

@ AP


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> D2H , so every time I do something to her like bring her dinner , or lunch she feels guilty ? Is this why she say like 2 weeks ago " being nice to me makes it hard " ?
> Ha ha , if yes then I'll continue doing it and be nice to her, just for the heck of it


(Romans 12:20) Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

Don't do it because of what it does to her. Do it because you have compassion for her, and do it out of a pure heart. Otherwise, it is manipulation. The effect is different.

But, I have stopped doing anything for mine. She needs to wallow in her own slop for a while. Plus, it wouldn't be appropriate given my new relationship.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Actually in the next month I have to be nice because we'll still be under the same roof .

Someone here suggested to be extremely nice and helpful to here while living together , so when I leave she'll " miss " it. Then when I leave - go dark and no contact at all , business only.

I know this is manipulation but actually I have to be nice to her because if not the live will be hell for me.

What do you recommend ?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> (Romans 12:20) Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
> 
> Don't do it because of what it does to her. Do it because you have compassion for her, and do it out of a pure heart. Otherwise, it is manipulation. The effect is different.
> 
> But, I have stopped doing anything for mine. She needs to wallow in her own slop for a while. Plus, it wouldn't be appropriate given my new relationship.


@dedcicated- you've officially divorced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Actually in the next month I have to be nice because we'll still be under the same roof .
> 
> Someone here suggested to be extremely nice and helpful to here while living together , so when I leave she'll " miss " it. Then when I leave - go dark and no contact at all , business only.
> 
> ...


I read the same thing; be as nice as you possibly can so when you are gone the last memories she will have of you is the nice memories.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> What do you recommend ?


Treat her how you want to be treated. It actually is a good time to start developing and working on dealing with a difficult person. I learned so much through my in house separation. You don't really want her around, right? So, do little things to help her out that you would do for anyone else. Just be a good guy, but take care of you. Treat it as you are divorced, but she is now single. She is just a roomate. I would do simple, nice things for a roomate.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> @dedcicated- you've officially divorced?


Yes. Very thankful for it, too. I fought my butt off for too long.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Treat her how you want to be treated. It actually is a good time to start developing and working on dealing with a difficult person. I learned so much through my in house separation. You don't really want her around, right? So, do little things to help her out that you would do for anyone else. Just be a good guy, but take care of you. Treat it as you are divorced, but she is now single. She is just a roomate. I would do simple, nice things for a roomate.



This is exactly what I'm doing for more then a month now . And taking care of my self too . And having a GF too 
How long after the separation yours asked you for R ? 

@ Solon , yes exactly but I can't remember who say it .It was also added " that she remembers you as a great guy that is pleasant to hang with and easy to go with "


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> This is exactly what I'm doing for more then a month now . And taking care of my self too . And having a GF too
> How long after the separation yours asked you for R ?


She hasn't yet. But, that is because she is the most stubborn person on the planet. I don't know if it will ever come, but it doesn't matter. She is still wallowing in her self pity.

I didn't have a GF until the divorce was final. I had a very close female friend once I left the house. But, she remained that until the judge signed the papers. Now, she is very prevalent in my life. My in house separation was 1.75 years before I left.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes. Very thankful for it, too. I fought my butt off for too long.


Ugh! Just the thought of that causes my stomach to turn. I do not want to be divorced. I have to start facing the fact that this is what she wants, and unless God changes her heart, I will be divorced.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I do not want to be divorced.


If you keep thinking that, you will never have the peace God wants you to have. You will also be lacking trust in Him. As long as you act within your desires, it's going to be a LONG process for you.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> If you keep thinking that, you will never have the peace God wants you to have. You will also be lacking trust in Him. As long as you act within your desires, it's going to be a LONG process for you.


If I keep being honest with myself I will never have the peace God wants me to have??? I don't want to be. What? Am I supposed to lie to myself and say I do want to be? I don't get it.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> If you keep thinking that, you will never have the peace God wants you to have. You will also be lacking trust in Him. As long as you act within your desires, it's going to be a LONG process for you.


I think I can find peace saying, "I don't want to be divorced, but not my will, Thy will be done." Christ didn't want to die on the cross. Him saying, "Take this cup from me" is the same as me saying, "I don't want a divorce." But if it is God's will that she divorce me, then so be it. I just ask that He give me the strength to get through it. And I know I will get through it. I just don't want the pain. I just don't want it, period. I'm sorry. I don't. I want us to be married, working on our marriage, strengthening the bond that we formed 11 years ago. That is what I want. And believe it or not, I believe that is what God wants.

So I'm not even going to think about it anymore. He has everything under control. I'm not worried.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Oh I see . Tomorrow judge will sign the papers so I'm almost divorced too. My W isn't stubborn but she say another day " I think separation is healthy bla bla " < I don't really believe but we'll see.

Anyways I'm not sitting around and waiting for her, no way .


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I think I can find peace saying, "I don't want to be divorced, but not my will, Thy will be done." Christ didn't want to die on the cross. Him saying, "Take this cup from me" is the same as me saying, "I don't want a divorce." But if it is God's will that she divorce me, then so be it. I just ask that He give me the strength to get through it. And I know I will get through it. I just don't want the pain. I just don't want it, period. I'm sorry. I don't. I want us to be married, working on our marriage, strengthening the bond that we formed 11 years ago. That is what I want. And believe it or not, I believe that is what God wants.


If you can, good for you. But the last couple sentences in this paragraph mean that you are, most likely, going to act in a way to fulfill your desires. And Christ on the cross, is a horrible analogy. It was a means to an end, he understood the reward for doing what he was doing. You haven't seen the reward of divorce, what it can do for you, your family, or your STBX. It can be a very good thing. In fact, you believe that divorce is not what God wants. You believe your desires, as a fleshly man, are in line with God's desires. C'mon..........


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> If you can, good for you. But the last couple sentences in this paragraph mean that you are, most likely, going to act in a way to fulfill your desires. And Christ on the cross, is a horrible analogy. It was a means to an end, he understood the reward for doing what he was doing. You haven't seen the reward of divorce, what it can do for you, your family, or your STBX. It can be a very good thing. In fact, you believe that divorce is not what God wants. You believe your desires, as a fleshly man, are in line with God's desires. C'mon..........


But wait, isn't that the goal of man? To align his desires with God's desires? David said, "commit thy way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He shall bring it to pass." Committing they way to the Lord is aligning your desires with His. If you do that His desires becomes your desires and He brings it to pass. Wouldn't God's reputation diminish among his own people if they never received any of the desires of their heart?

With all my fleshly faults I believe that my desires can be inline with God's. I desire that I be close to Him. He desires that I be close to Him. I desire that my wife turn her life over to Him. He desires that she turn her life over to him. I desire that my children be saved. He desires that my children be saved. I can go on and on and on. I can tell of things that I desired and he brought it to pass. So I'm confused by what your point is really. Are you saying that because I am flesh I cannot possibly hold the same desires God has for me, my life, the life of my loved ones? Is that it? David also said, "delight thyself in the Lord and he shall give thee the DESIRES of thine heart." :scratchhead::scratchhead: What are you saying?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> But wait, isn't that the goal of man? To align his desires with God's desires? David said, "commit thy way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He shall bring it to pass." Committing they way to the Lord is aligning your desires with His. If you do that His desires becomes your desires and He brings it to pass. Wouldn't God's reputation diminish among his own people if they never received any of the desires of their heart?
> 
> With all my fleshly faults I believe that my desires can be inline with God's. I desire that I be close to Him. He desires that I be close to Him. I desire that my wife turn her life over to Him. He desires that she turn her life over to him. I desire that my children be saved. He desires that my children be saved. I can go on and on and on. I can tell of things that I desired and he brought it to pass. So I'm confused by what your point is really. Are you saying that because I am flesh I cannot possibly hold the same desires God has for me, my life, the life of my loved ones? Is that it? David also said, "delight thyself in the Lord and he shall give thee the DESIRES of thine heart." What are you saying?


Good grief, man. Go back and read your many posts over the past month. It is ALL ABOUT YOU. So, yes, you are operating out of your desires and the "pain" you are in. The pain is flesh. You have a LONG way to go, dude.

Stop rationalizing and being arrogant. Read your posts as an unbiased party.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> If you can, good for you. But the last couple sentences in this paragraph mean that you are, most likely, going to act in a way to fulfill your desires. And Christ on the cross, is a horrible analogy. It was a means to an end, he understood the reward for doing what he was doing. You haven't seen the reward of divorce, what it can do for you, your family, or your STBX. It can be a very good thing. In fact, you believe that divorce is not what God wants. You believe your desires, as a fleshly man, are in line with God's desires. C'mon..........


And you are right. I have not seen the "reward" of divorce. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I should add that to my prayer list----maybe I shouldn't. I would rather see my wife's heart changed, my heart changed, than to see us divorced. Doesn't God hate divorce and loves to see people turn from their wicked ways? I don't know. I can possibly see a reward for divorce if----no, I can't. Divorce leaves scares, negatively impacts society, and is generational, meaning children of divorcees are more likely to divorce. So no, can't see the reward. I can see me getting over it and moving on with my life. I can see me finding someone that I love and loves me again. I can see my children getting over it. But to call it a reward? I think the reward will come from hearts being changed. I think the reward comes from people turning to God and sticking to the vows they made to Him. That may just be me though. To each his own.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Good grief, man. Go back and read your many posts over the past month. It is ALL ABOUT YOU. So, yes, you are operating out of your desires and the "pain" you are in. The pain is flesh. You have a LONG way to go, dude.
> 
> Stop rationalizing and being arrogant. Read your posts as an unbiased party.


You're funny. Don't you know that my posts are all over the place? My posts are born from a heart that is broken. Some of my posts I am sure read from a man who is crazed. Irrational. And who are my posts supposed to be about? I am venting my pain and frustration. And no, all of my posts are not about me. I can go back and cut and paste at least 10 posts within the last few days and they will be about me asking other people about them. I have befriended two people on here and have called them and listen to their problems. So that is incorrect. It is not just about me, but even if it were.....so what? Most people's posts when they are in the midst of their crucible are about them. But thanks for calling me arrogant. My wife was leading me to believe I was not arrogant enough. I KNEW she was crazy.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Solon said:


> You're funny. Don't you know that my posts are all over the place? My posts are born from a heart that is broken. Some of my posts I am sure read from a man who is crazed. Irrational. And who are my posts supposed to be about? I am venting my pain and frustration. And no, all of my posts are not about me. I can go back and cut and paste at least 10 posts within the last few days and they will be about me asking other people about them. I have befriended two people on here and have called them and listen to their problems. So that is incorrect. It is not just about me, but even if it were.....so what? Most people's posts when they are in the midst of their crucible are about them. But thanks for calling me arrogant. My wife was leading me to believe I was not arrogant enough. I KNEW she was crazy.


If you are going to have a biblical debate, please create your own thread. God clearly says he "hates" divorce and what "God had put together let no man separate". We are not dealing with what God desires because He's clear. Man has a choice if they want to honor the covenant that was made between God, man and wife. God has a plan with or without or spouse. Does it suck that try don't want us? Us, but do I want a spouse who will deter me from fulfilling the will of God for my life? No. God was, is and always will be my husband and my all-sufficient One.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Sorry didn't mean to reply and pinpoint you, just those who are debating. No hurt feelings. Jesus loves us all and doesn't want strife and neither do I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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