# Wife's revelation



## beardyman (Aug 2, 2012)

My wife last night told me that she is unsure she wants our marriage to continue. I have known that she has been unhappy in her job for a while and generally is unsure whether she wants to be living where we are right now, but this was the first time she expressed anything about our relationship.

I'll try and be brief with the overview - but I'm famously awful at being brief!

We met at university 8 years ago, we are both musicians and she joined the band I was in. 7 years ago we got together and we fell completely in love straight away, we got engaged in 2 weeks and we married exactly one year after getting together. Our 6th wedding anniversary just passed. I am British and my wife is half American and half 'a European country'. She grew up in Europe.

We moved from our university city to my home city during our first year married. We both were ready to leave that city and a job offer brought us here. She got a challenging job quite quickly and at first got on well with work. She has had a few promotions and re-assignments which reignited her interest, but for over a year now she has been unhappy in her work. The thing that keeps her there is it's well paid and flexible, which is allowing her to chase her dream to become a full time musician. I am in her band and we write, rehearse, record, release and tour together. She is always happiest when she is doing music. But the amount of money she has ploughed into the project has crippled her financially. 

Fundamentally she is a very independent person. Before we got together she had not been in a relationship for years and was happy that way. Apart from respecting authority in a work situation, she HATES being told what to do or having anything decided for her.

She is someone that goes through phases and fads - she admits that freely herself. At one point she suddenly thought she wanted to be an actress and was ready to quit her job and go back to university. She often changes her mind about where in the world she wants to live. (This will become relevant below).

I am happy in my job, it's not perfect but other than being a touring full time musician I couldn't think of anything better for now. We have always said we would live in her native European country at some point, and last year made the decision that 2013 was the year to move. I am honestly nervous and a bit daunted by it - I don't speak the language, don't know what I'll do for work, will miss the friends and musicians I spend time with here. But She has lived in the UK for 10 years to it's fair to make the move, so I agreed to the plan.

Back to now - She recently decided she wanted to take a trip to America to see her biological father and friends (she spent one year there as a teenager). That trip happened last week. She came back, and for the first couple of days simply complained of jet lag and being sad to be back at work, as she had such a good time. I commented that she seemed distant and she finally told me what she was thinking. 

She said it has been on her mind for months, she hasn't said anything yet because she knows how she can go through phases and change her mind. But this thought has stuck, so she's opened up to it. To sum it up she is 'sure she's unsure about us'. She says that it's nothing I have done. She just feels that life is not good for her at the moment, she just isn't happy with anything, she feels numb and thinks she might need a new start. She doesn't know where that is, or what she'd be doing. She's unsure going back home to Europe is even what she wants. I've said job, social life etc. don't matter in the grand scheme of things, I'll move regardless of that. She still loves me but, to my pain, said she's seeing me more as a friend than a partner right now. She so enjoyed being on her own during her trip she even said she might be a happier person alone .

We have a mad couple of months scheduled with the music project we are doing, releasing an album, playing tons of gigs. Lots of time effort and money has gone into this. She feels that she needs to see these two months through to know where she is at.

At first it seemed like all she was saying was "well just act normally for two months and I'll let you know my decision". After a long chat she did say she is willing to work at things, she is not 'breaking up with me' and hasn't 'made a decision'. Thing is, we are both at a loss as to what work we can do. Like I said before she is completely independent and despises cliché, I'm sure she will not 'do counselling', I doubt she'd try going on dates pretending we don't know each other etc...

This has come completely out of the blue for me. My love for my wife and desire to stay together indefinitely has always been the one thing I'm 100% sure of, so I'm really shell shocked.

Basically, I think writing all of this was partly to aid aligning my thoughts. I don't think everyone needs all the info simply for the question I have...

Does anybody have any creative, left of centre, not clichéd, original ways of 'working at it'? 

Right this second I'm finding it hard to think positive and know where to go with this. It doesn't seem to be a situation where I need to be a 'better husband' or anything - although once I'm through the initial shock I hope to do my very best in that respect.

Thanks for reading this far if your still going. Any help and advice would be really appreciated!


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

When we start to feel bored and stuck in place in our own life, many of us look over to our partners and think: "S/he's boring too, what am I doing with them?" This is almost never about you, it's about her. She needs to find things that make her happy, build a life that she is inspired by. A happy marriage is one formed by two happy people. Miserable people will still feel miserable married.

Honestly, I have thought like your wife at times too. My husband has too, and has told me so. Based on my experience the best thing you can do is be there for her, but give her some space to think things through — exactly like you're saying you'd like to do. It's great that you are willing to make changes for her to pursue her dreams (living in her native country). She still sounds unsure so try not to pressure her into deciding. You can ask her about her opinions, try to work as a sounding board for her ideas — talking about things usually clarifies them — without shooting any dream down, no matter how crazy. But if she needs some time to think things through on her own, give her the mental space to do that. Make sure to still be affectionate and kind towards her. Otherwise, just work on being happy yourself.

Show her that you are her friend, companion and confederate. Give her the freedom to dream, whatever she wants. Then when she wants to realize something, talk constructively and supportingly about how to make it happen in the best possible way in practice. Be sensible, but also be a bit brave. Being willing to take the leap for your partner shows trust and commitment.

While she is still in the thinking stage, offer her your ear if she needs it. But don't get offended if she needs to think about this in solitude, I would too. In that case the best thing you can do is just live you life. Enjoy yourself, your work and your marriage. Go do things that make you happy, also on your own. Surprise yourself with something new. It will surprise her too. Show her that you have the confidence and courage to build a happy life for yourself — in my experience this attitude rubs off on your partner eventually. 

I don't know if you need counceling. I think you guys just need to think about what you want in life and talk about how to realize it. Like your wife, both me and my husband can be quite quick to discover a new direction we would want to pursue. We have learned in marriage, that plans cannot be changed as quickly as while being single, and one cannot always get everything as there are always two lives in the mix. The upside to this is, that when you do go about realizing a plan, you get to do so alongside with your best friend and lover. Sharing the adventure is twice the fun! As is sharing the memories afterwards.


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## beardyman (Aug 2, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts. Because nothing has been decided I guess the biggest fear is making 'the wrong move'. Part of me thinks I should go and stay at my parents for a while, see if the space brings a realisation that she wants me as part of her life. But doing it too early could be a bad move, I don't know!!

This is all very new and scary. This relationship is the only true adult relationship I've ever been in, and my life has been shaped around our relationship. She is turning 30 soon, part of wonders if this is having any affect, however small...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't move out! If she won't do marriage therapy, try DIY. Some books:

5 Love Languages

Getting the Love You Want

the workbook to Getting the Love You Want

Passionate Marriage

Sheet Music


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I don't think moving out is a good idea either. Stay put. Make yourself available, but be careful not to come off as clingy or desperate. 

She seems to be thinking that the marriage is holding her back in some way. While for you the marriage is everything and want to do everything in order to stay together.

I think you both need to take your eye off your partner and look at yourself. The thing is, in the end you cannot make her decide one way or the other. Forget about pleasing her in every possible way for now. Take a look at your own life, your own goals and things that _you_ enjoy. And start doing them. Don't abandon her, keep her in the loop, keep communicating and show in your actions and attitude that you still care about her — but start building up the confidence that no matter what happens, you will have things in your life that you're happy about, inspired by and interested in. 

I think many marriages become stale when the two people forget to pursue their own interests and dreams and get stuck in a routine where both people are complacent but not excited about themselves, their life or each other anymore. The solution to this is not moving on to someone new, it's learning to think and act anew. 

So for now focus a bit more on yourself and your happiness, what it consists of besides the relationship. I have a feeling she will follow your lead, when she sees you shake off some dust and get active about making _yourself_ happy. 

If you think she'll be responsive, you could suggest doing some light-hearted, exciting new activity together with you partner. Don't say "I want to go do X so that we can again connect emotionally and you won't leave me". Keep it light. Suggest that you guys go have fun together. If she's sporty go try out some new adventure sport like climbing or river-rafting, or volunteer at a homeless shelter and ask her to come along some time. Whatever! Get excited about something and then ask her to come along to check it out some time. Or ask her out to do something you know she's excited about, even if it's not your favourite.

I know I can start to feel dull if I don't get to _do_ things with my husband. Outdoorsy things or tangible projects where we create something together are great ways for me to emotionally re-connect to my H and to his surprise they also make me _want_ him more. Call me weird, but I want to have sex with someone who's independent, active, excited about life and brave enough to shake things up a bit every once in a while. Sitting on the couch with him playing on computers day in and day out is a sure way to bring down my happiness and my sexual desire.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Suggest you read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy. In that order. I'm getting the impression that you're pretty beta with her, not trying to "lead" the relationship. And you're reaping what you've sewed.

Also, what you just received was the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Almost every time you see someone post that on this website, you'll find within a couple months that they discovered that their partner was cheating. Based on this trip that she took solo and the ILYBINILWY speech, I would strongly suspect she has or is interested in another man.

I know, I know....she would never do that and it can't possibly be true. Ok, just carry on then.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

> Suggest you read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy. In that order. I'm getting the impression that you're pretty beta with her, not trying to "lead" the relationship. And you're reaping what you've sewed.


:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just seems to coincidental that after being away in america without you and being distant that she feel this way....


what happened on her trip! I smell a rat!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

"I love you but i'm not in love with you" script?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Suggest you read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy. In that order. I'm getting the impression that you're pretty beta with her, not trying to "lead" the relationship. And you're reaping what you've sewed.
> 
> Also, what you just received was the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Almost every time you see someone post that on this website, you'll find within a couple months that they discovered that their partner was cheating. Based on this trip that she took solo and the ILYBINILWY speech, I would strongly suspect she has or is interested in another man.
> 
> I know, I know....she would never do that and it can't possibly be true. Ok, just carry on then.


My thoughts are also along these lines. I hope this isn't the case, but it's so common it has to be considered.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I think there are problems here too, but I wouldn't go accuse her of cheating just yet. When we were having problems in our marriage, my husband went on a 1,5 week long trip on his own and came back saying the same thing: that maybe he would feel happier being alone.

I know for certain that he didn't cheat on me. I talked to him all the way through his trip and he wasn't trying to hide anything. But our relationship was in a rut. And going on a trip relieved the burden that it was putting on him and the stress of it all. So he thought maybe he would be better off without this troubled marriage. Your wife has been harbouring feelings of unhappiness for a while. Seems only natural to me that she would feel relieved to go on a trip on her own, to take her mind off it.

But that it's natural doesn't make it a good way of dealing with those feelings. She needs to face them. She needs to look into herself and decide what she wants in life — and then realize that being with you it's not what's holding her back, she's holding herself back. You can try to show her this by taking a step back and focusing on working on _you_. Hovering over her worrying about her every move will only make her more anxious. Both those books suggested are a great start I think.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

She went home, & comes back telling you she had been unhappy with you for years. 

It's BS. It's a nice way of telling you she either has rekindled an old relationship or found someone new. If she were in love with you, then she would pester you to move. 

You have been beta for years. She desires alpha. Read marrid man sex life, and work on yourself.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

tiredandout said:


> I think there are problems here too, but I wouldn't go accuse her of cheating just yet. When we were having problems in our marriage, my husband went on a 1,5 week long trip on his own and came back saying the same thing: that maybe he would feel happier being alone.
> 
> I know for certain that he didn't cheat on me. I talked to him all the way through his trip and he wasn't trying to hide anything. But our relationship was in a rut. And going on a trip relieved the burden that it was putting on him and the stress of it all. So he thought maybe he would be better off without this troubled marriage. Your wife has been harbouring feelings of unhappiness for a while. Seems only natural to me that she would feel relieved to go on a trip on her own, to take her mind off it.
> 
> But that it's natural doesn't make it a good way of dealing with those feelings. She needs to face them. She needs to look into herself and decide what she wants in life — and then realize that being with you it's not what's holding her back, she's holding herself back. You can try to show her this by taking a step back and focusing on working on _you_. Hovering over her worrying about her every move will only make her more anxious. Both those books suggested are a great start I think.


I would not accuse her of cheating either, but the OP definitely needs to investigate to confirm that nothing is happening. He can do that while do some of these other things that can help strengthen a marriage. The problem is that these other tasks don't tend to work when the other is in the midst of an affair. So ruling that out just makes sense.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There's not much you can do at this point. If you have no kids cut your loses. In this economy throwing a way a stable paying job for side projects and moving away with a wife who isn't "sure" about you is not the way to go. Let your pride take over. It will give you strength.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

> I would not accuse her of cheating either, but the OP definitely needs to investigate to confirm that nothing is happening. He can do that while do some of these other things that can help strengthen a marriage. The problem is that these other tasks don't tend to work when the other is in the midst of an affair. So ruling that out just makes sense.


This is of course true and I agree with you.

Maybe I'm just a bit allergic to the way people so quickly bring up cheating as a reason for any kind of disconnect, because my dear husband accuses me of cheating every time he starts to feel insecure about our relationship. This is due to him having been cheated in the past (and not fully dealt with it, imho). But when he does so without any proof, and while I'm telling him to search through my phone and email all he wants, it gets frustrating after the first 5 times. 

So I let my personal experiences affect my responses (as I guess does every one). Being repeatedly falsely accused of infidelity is no fun, I tell ya. But of course some snooping might be in order in OP's case, to make sure nothing like that is happening.


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## step_raising (Feb 14, 2012)

A similar thing happened to me and my first wife... I felt like I was left hanging as if she was on my boat and I was suppose to be "normal" until she decided if and when she wanted to jump off my boat onto another passing boat... I panicked and tried to do everything possible to try to not only keep her on my boat but have her like being on my boat again... all efforts aside she still jumped off the boat. But I did learn a lot about me and who I was - it took some time for me to feel comfortable with single guy me again. But as I look back, I was just wasting my time being with her. I found that there are a lot of women out there looking for a good man. Ones that actually do like to be on your boat and will stay on your boat no matter what, even if big huge fancy yachts come close to your boat they don't jump.

If it was me to do all over again, I wouldn't put up with it... take charge of the situation and get the paperwork filled out and move on. If her attitude changes then reevaluate the situation but it sounds like her mind has moved on. One book that I read that helped me figure the mechanics of why she left was "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. Anyways, I feel for you and what you're going through, but there is more fish in the sea - it really does take two to make a marriage work. If you've corrected yourself as much as you can and she's not wanting to be on your boat - find another co-captain!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

beardyman said:


> My wife last night told me that she is unsure she wants our marriage to continue.
> 
> Does anybody have any creative, left of centre, not clichéd, original ways of 'working at it'?
> 
> ...


beardyman,

I think you would be surprised to know how many people feel this way at one time or another. This often originates from unhappy/unhealthy thought processes that work their way to becoming feelings of dissatisfaction, usually helped by the presence of certain attractive personalities (along with their bodies) from outside one's marriage. 

The only way to work at this is to work on yourself. Seriously, there isn't one of us who couldn't benefit our marriage by making ourselves a better person and and a better spouse.

If my wife said this to me today (and she has said a lot worse) I would say "I completely understand, this all makes perfect sense when you look at ... how hard you work and how little you get in return ...

Later I would look at her cell phone and email accounts and see who she has been corresponding with recently and it's always someone - an old school friend, a new friend, a family member, someone or some situation has triggered this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

well if you do not have a consummate love and both partners do not feel its a consummate love than its futile to try and continue the marriage. In all honesty its best you know this now and work to end it and look elsewhere in life there is no point in staying in a marriage in which one is not 100% committed and has set feelings!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If she really wants to "work on things" then she needs to work out what will help. She needs to be getting books, asking on relationship websites, working out what's wrong herself. You can't do it for her, and she's putting you in the position of having to be a supplicant and do everything right while she keeps you hanging around on tenterhooks.

From what you've written, you sound a bit in awe of her, she sounds restless and easily dissatisfied, you sound more easy going and content. That can be a bad dynamic, I think.

I think you need to decide what you want and tell her. Something like "I love you and want to stay married, but I'm not okay with being jerked around emotionally while you weigh your options. So we're either actively working on our connection through counseling, reading relationship books and spending time together, or we're effectively separating under the same roof.". 

The read up on the 180 and lowering the thermostat. She needs to feel like she's in danger of losing you and that the power is not all in her hands.

And yeah, I'd be strongly suspecting some kind of cheating went on when she was in America. At least meeting/reconnecting with someone she likes, even if nothing actually happened.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If she mentions dissolution again, tell her that you have given it some thought and realize that she could improve her contributions to the relationship and tell her she should consider changing HERSELF if she intends to enter into another after she LEAVES.
I'm getting tired of hearing how controlling these women get when they fail to see how THEY are contributing more to the failure than their browbeat husband.


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