# Snowed-in and confused



## snowbird (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi all, this is my first time posting anything on the internet and I feel kind-of silly, but I am desperate for a place to vent and receive some advice. A friend said that she found this site helpful so I thought I would give it a try. Here it goes... (a bit jumbled in places)

A few months ago, my husband of five years + came home from a business trip and told me that he had a one night stand at a bar. He said he was completely drunk and simply was not thinking clearly, almost as if he checked-out and did not give any thought to his safety (did not use protection), wife or child (who was born a month later). He said he told me about his infidelity because he felt it was the honest and right thing to do, however I feel that it was the most selfish thing he could have done. 

So now I am left with this information, at home raising our beautiful baby, while he is away and all I can do is think about what happened, why it happened and if I still want to be with him. I often wonder if he told me because if wants out of our marriage and doesn't have the guts to say admit that the life we have if not the life he wants. Should I have the divorce papers waiting for him? Is it better to dissolve our marriage before our baby understands what it is like to have married parents? 

It is very funny, because my husband was always the one saying that if I cheated, even if it was just a meaningless kiss, our marriage would be over, no discussion. So now I should allow him graces that would not have been given to me? 
I do not think he will cheat again; my concern is that something made him cheat once and he cannot come up with one reason why he did it. Is this common? Does that really happen? A person can get so drunk that they remember the details of the event but do not remember, at the time, that they are married? Please help me to understand that part...perhaps he really had this outer body experience, but I think it is an excuse. By the way when we saw a therapist he did say that it is possible for people to black out and not remember certain events...a psychotic break if you will.

My other concern is that he told me…if he is sincerely sorry, and will never cheat again, then why did he tell me? Basically, the ball is my court, he cheats and I get to decide if I still want to have a life with him. Maybe I am wrong or have a moral compass that is slightly askew, but I honestly believe that if he believes that he is a changed man and will be better for having made this “mistake”, then change. Live with the mistake and all the guilt and pain that go with it and don’t be selfish, and make it easier on you by telling your wife. 

Thanks to whoever took the time to read this and thanks in advance for any advice provided. 

All the best to everyone in the New Year.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

snowbird said:


> Hi all, this is my first time posting anything on the internet and I feel kind-of silly, but I am desperate for a place to vent and receive some advice. A friend said that she found this site helpful so I thought I would give it a try. Here it goes... (a bit jumbled in places)
> 
> A few months ago, my husband of five years + came home from a business trip and told me that he had a one night stand at a bar. He said he was completely drunk and simply was not thinking clearly, almost as if he checked-out and did not give any thought to his safety (did not use protection), wife or child (who was born a month later). He said he told me about his infidelity because he felt it was the honest and right thing to do, however I feel that it was the most selfish thing he could have done.
> 
> ...


There are so many possibilities as to why he told you, what really happened and what's best to do now that you will make yourself mad trying to think them all through.

Some of the things you mentioned you are concerned about, you are only feeling because your impression of you has changed. Don't let this thought go any further. Don't allow what he did to change who you are.

So keep these few things in mind:
His cheating had to do with him first, not you. It was a selfish act on his part.

He chose not to wear a condom which is most likely the reason he told you immediately, wise choice following such a stupid move. Both of these things points towards him having full knowledge of what he was doing at the time.

The blackout excuse is most likely a way for him to tell you he made a mistake and is seeking your forgiveness. If he had said he was seduced or was caught up in the moment and just said the hell with it, then you might consider he's trying to tell you he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

In deciding whether you want a divorce, give yourself as much time as you need to figure out if you will ever be able to truly forgive him for this(forgive as in get your anger out, tell him how you feel, get all the details of the affair, or not, then drop it and not bring it up again).

You will look at him a little differently and some of that will be anger for a while, but how you are looking at him now...is that going to be someone you can be happy with again once your trust is rebuilt?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

well either he told you because he was dying under the unbrella of guilt...
he told you selfish a bit, but, now it out there. do you still talk about it??[in a civil way]

either he will repeat this behivior and since he told you, nothing happened, hey its all good...

or he could never do this again, and just been a terrible horrible lapse in judgement.

did you go to MC?? even just a couple of sessions??
yall should at least read some books on relationships to see if a deeper understanding of what and maybe why it happened.

was he drinking in acess?? and does this happen regulary??
not passing judgement, just a few harsh questions that you could ask him, and go from there.

i hope this is a very, very small blip on the rader of your life together


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## snowbird (Dec 29, 2010)

Thank you both for your responses. We did go to MC prior to our baby being born and it was helpful, but I am stuck on why he did it. I realize I may never know the answer, but I am not sure how to forgive him with out all the info. We haven't really spoken about it since our little one arrived, but he is away for the military currently and not due back until mid-January. 

At one point his drinking was a bit of an issue, and I have seen him at his worst, but he has lightened up a lot on the drinking and I didn't think it was an issue anymore. 

We have been through so much together in our five years of marriage, I am so sad that this is now compounding everything else. I really would like to forgive him, but as stated above, I have to be ready to say my peace and never bring it up again...I do not think I am at that point yet. I hope I can...I would love nothing more than to have our baby grow up in a truly happy home.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if you think this would not happen again, just let it go, write a letter and then tear it up.

just think ahead to happier times when he will be home. and when he gets home, ask to set aside time to talk about this. state a exact time to discuss it keep it short. that way, he will be open to talk, and in the future make the same arraingement. he will be willing to talk to you not a judge who will hand out punishments.

you can tell him how it made you feel and how you are confussed, but want it to work, and this cannot continue.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

He revealed because of guilt eating him up inside.

Alcohol took away his inhabitions and clouded his judgement. The woman was either initiating or flirting back. This made him feel desired. His brain was producing huge amounts of adrenaline, oxitocyn, dopamine and seratonin (the same chemicals that you produce when you fall in love and have that giddy feeling inside).

Don't rush to divorce. There's no need to do anything quickly. See how remorseful he is. See if he's truly willing to "recommit to your marriage." See if he's willing to make changes to keep infidelity from happening again. How about no drinking when he travels? How about checking in with you via text every hour or two?

You can also explore what was missing in your marriage that "allowed" him to stray. I'm sure you can find something lacking (I'm not blaming you as his infidelity was his CHOICE and a bad "fix" for whatever the problem was.

Your feelings are shared my most on this site. What you are experiencing, we've all experienced. You are not alone. There is hope for your marriage. Many of us have survived this and have better marriages to show for it. The "work" will not be easy and you will probably hit road-blocks along the way. In my humble opinion, it is worth it, especially with a child. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## snowbird (Dec 29, 2010)

Thank you for your insight, and do not worry about being harsh, I welcome the honesty. After he came home and told me that he cheated, I wondered immediately if it was the first time. He says it absolutely was. I want to believe him, but I am having a hard time accepting that all-of-a-sudden, after being married for five years, he gives into a woman hitting on him. He swears that it was the first and the last time, he also tells me that he loves our life together and is so sorry he cheated. I am sure he is sorry and I know he likes our life, so why cheat...especially when he says that i am the best thing that ever happened to him. I was asking if there is somehting in our marriage, or lack of something in our marriage that made it easier for him to give in and cheat and he said no...even when we went to therapy he still said it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. So then I am supposed to believe that he had absolutley no reason at all for cheating except that a woman hit on him, and she was persistant and he was drunk? that's it? that doesn't seem like enough to destroy a marriage. Now that I know, I want to know the entire story, I do not believe I am getting it...So how do I know when to trust that he is telling me the whole truth? Will I ever know?


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