# In a sexless marriage, went to MC and was told sex is not the issue



## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Okay, long story short my wife cheated about 1 year ago and we've been going to MC ever since. The only reason I didn't leave was because we lived with her parents since I had lost my job due to downsizing and we couldn't afford the rent on our place anymore. That was 2 years ago, we spent 1 year in her parents house to get back on our feet and I was able to get a great job and make $30k more than my last job and we have purchased a house.

MC has been helping us get closer again and move past everything that happened but I brought up how our marriage is sexless in which I mean in the last 12 months we have had sex MAYBE 5 times. There is ZERO intimate touching, or anything of that nature. Hugs, and kisses on the lips are frequent but nothing intimate. My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself.

Anyway, I brought this up the other day with our MC and she said it's not about the sex so I need to stop putting a priority on that. What she said is that the issue is that I still don't trust my Wife, in which I do and that my Wife still feels shame for her actions. She actually told us that I need to let the past completely go and my Wife needs to let the shame on her side go. Then and only then will the sex start to return. I'm sorry but what the **** is she smoking? I trust my Wife, yes it's still with me, you can't let something like that just go and say, well I don't think I'll bother thinking about this anymore, it's no big deal. Naturally my Wife likes her and wants to keep going back to her. I did like her until this last session, I have no idea what to do now. I told my Wife that maybe I shouldn't put a priority on sex since it seems to just get in the way and puts pressure on her and upset me since I get more action from the couch than her. She doesn't want me to give up on sex though which makes zero sense. Can anyone help me get this stuff sorted out?

Thank you for reading this all if you did


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Not cool. Affection is very important in a marriage. Boo therapist boo! 
Tell your wife you need affection to feel loved. If she cannot give that to you, your headed for a lonely life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> Okay, long story short my wife cheated about 1 year ago and we've been going to MC ever since. The only reason I didn't leave was because we lived with her parents since I had lost my job due to downsizing and we couldn't afford the rent on our place anymore. That was 2 years ago, we spent 1 year in her parents house to get back on our feet and I was able to get a great job and make $30k more than my last job and we have purchased a house.
> 
> MC has been helping us get closer again and move past everything that happened but I brought up how our marriage is sexless in which I mean in the last 12 months we have had sex MAYBE 5 times. There is ZERO intimate touching, or anything of that nature. Hugs, and kisses on the lips are frequent but nothing intimate. My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself.
> 
> ...


The mc sounds like an enabling idiot as far as your wife is concerned, she won't have sex with you but had sex with her ap? Tell her she can go to mc you are done and if it doesn't change asap you are divorcing her. God what disrespect!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Does the therapist have experience with infidelity? Find out. If not a waste of money.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, I am sorry your life has been so filled with turmoil recently.

Therapists aren't perfect and people's listening skills aren't perfect and that doesn't even take into account that what a therapist attempts in therapy is his her best guess on what might be best. Not at all infallible practice.

Go back to therapy and tell her exactly how you felt about her suggestions. Minus any attitude if possible but she'll be able to handle it. Maybe she got it totally wrong, maybe you didn't hear precisely right, maybe it's a combination?

It is about sex, sex is important to you, it's one of your primary needs. How can you rebuild your marriage unless your wife, along side you, are working to meet each other needs?

Go back to therapy and tell her how you feel. 

If wife isn't responding to your consistent words of love and affirmation, than the rest is on her and she needs to deal with that.

Body image in women is something that bugs the crap out of me because it doesn't matter what size a woman is 0-32 and she could still have body image issues. This is something your wife owns and she shouldn't be withholding sex and thus hurting you, because she has body image problems.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

I already told her today that I am not wasting anymore money on this fruit basket of an mc. I could not believe that she basically just told me to get over it and told my Wife to not feel shame about what she did. I actually asked the MC, "So tell me since your the therapist, what is the opposite of shame?" She replied; "Pride", I Said, "Correct, so are you telling my Wife to be proud of what she did?" She tried to recover and did not do well. She said that she wasn't saying that my Wife needs to be proud of what she did, but it's her shame that is keeping her from being intimate with me since sex is as she put it "complete vulnerability". She went on to say, "Would you want to put yourself in a completely vulnerable situation when you feel someone has resentment towards you and you feel shame towards that person?" I told her in this case yes and that it's wrong that she found it okay to sleep with the AP but will not sleep with me.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> First, I am sorry your life has been so filled with turmoil recently.
> 
> Therapists aren't perfect and people's listening skills aren't perfect and that doesn't even take into account that what a therapist attempts in therapy is his her best guess on what might be best. Not at all infallible practice.
> 
> ...


Great point, and I've even mentioned that to my Wife and the MC about body images. I have NEVER met a woman that was 100% happy with her body, and I doubt I ever will. There is always something that they can't stand about their own body when we the men could care less and see perfection and beauty.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Does the therapist have experience with infidelity? Find out. If not a waste of money.


Tom, yes that was a primary skillset I wanted in our MC.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Well, I had the same experience in MC except we had gone 3.5 years without sex. The counselor didn't want to hear anything about it and cut me off whenever I brought it up. Now, it wasn't the biggest issue in our marriage but it was important to me and she completely dismissed it. 

Sex isn't the issue unless it is. How's that for an answer? In many cases the lack of sex is a symptom and in that case the MC is correct to focus on fixing the underlying issues. It is also true that without underlying marital problems, people have different expectations and needs regarding sex. In that case, it shouldn't be so easily dismissed. In my own situation, the length of time having gone without sex was the result of other issues but sex had always been unsatisfactory and I felt it was unfair that the MC made me feel like it was unimportant to the health of our marriage.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unhappy_guy said:


> I already told her today that I am not wasting anymore money on this fruit basket of an mc. I could not believe that she basically just told me to get over it and told my Wife to not feel shame about what she did. I actually asked the MC, "So tell me since your the therapist, what is the opposite of shame?" She replied; "Pride", I Said, "Correct, so are you telling my Wife to be proud of what she did?" She tried to recover and did not do well. She said that she wasn't saying that my Wife needs to be proud of what she did, but it's her shame that is keeping her from being intimate with me since sex is as she put it "complete vulnerability". She went on to say, "Would you want to put yourself in a completely vulnerable situation when you feel someone has resentment towards you and you feel shame towards that person?" I told her in this case yes and that it's wrong that she found it okay to sleep with the AP but will not sleep with me.



Um okay I take back my comments above. Find a new therapist!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> I already told her today that I am not wasting anymore money on this fruit basket of an mc. I could not believe that she basically just told me to get over it and told my Wife to not feel shame about what she did. I actually asked the MC, "So tell me since your the therapist, what is the opposite of shame?" She replied; "Pride", I Said, "Correct, so are you telling my Wife to be proud of what she did?" She tried to recover and did not do well. She said that she wasn't saying that my Wife needs to be proud of what she did, but it's her shame that is keeping her from being intimate with me since sex is as she put it "complete vulnerability". She went on to say, "Would you want to put yourself in a completely vulnerable situation when you feel someone has resentment towards you and you feel shame towards that person?" I told her in this case yes and that it's wrong that she found it okay to sleep with the AP but will not sleep with me.


Unhappy you can only control what you will put up with. Have her sleep in another room or on a couch, she's not acting like a wife jmo.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Yeah, I've really thought about D and the thought is getting easier because I just don't see any change in the near or far future.

JustSomeGuyWho, I felt the exact same way. It just seemed like she was trying to pump my Wife up to make her feel like everything is okay and she shouldn't feel bad. She asked my Wife if it was turned around would you be able to trust him and would you have resentment towards him? My Wife said, she didn't know and the MC said; "You know what I think? I think you would be able to trust him without resentment." I interrupted her and told her that she has no place telling my Wife how she would feel if that happened, and that she has no idea the hell we've been through in the last year and what I'm going through without sex right now. She again tried to backup her statements which failed as well....


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## Nepenthe (Sep 5, 2013)

My ex kept rejecting and changing marriage counselors (7 rejects) until she found one that told her what she wanted to hear while beating me like a rented mule. 

Ironic, that was the one who made it so abundantly clear to me that nothing would change that it precipitated the divorce. In fact, I remember the exact moment and the exact words; the shrinky dink said I was "grievance packing" because I could remember with clarity the incidents and things my ex did that were over the line, insulting, disrespectful and unacceptable. At the time he said those words, the ex snickered and that was it. Bingo. Never went back. Filed the next day. Never been happier. 

Morale of the story, sometime idiots produce the correct result as an unintended consequence.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Nepenthe said:


> My ex kept rejecting and changing marriage counselors (7 rejects) until she found one that told her what she wanted to hear while beating me like a rented mule.
> 
> Ironic, that was the one who made it so abundantly clear to me that nothing would change that it precipitated the divorce. In fact, I remember the exact moment and the exact words; the shrinky dink said I was "grievance packing" because I could remember with clarity the incidents and things my ex did that were over the line, insulting, disrespectful and unacceptable. At the time he said those words, the ex snickered and that was it. Bingo. Never went back. Filed the next day. Never been happier.
> 
> Morale of the story, sometime idiots produce the correct result as an unintended consequence.


Wow, I'm sorry you went through that but that's a good point. Maybe this is my sign that I need to just pull the trigger and file. I mean with a therapist that is enabling her that's pretty much solid evidence that it will not change and also leads me to kind of wonder if she will do it again. I mean after all it has been 1 year and we need to put it behind us according to the MC, lol.

She said by us not putting this behind us we are letting the AP win. She really made no sense at all and just made me more mad the more she spoke. She kept trying to pump my Wife up telling her how beautiful she is, how she's such a great person, and has such a good heart. Me? Well, I need to get past that affair and not put such a high importance on sex.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> Yeah, I've really thought about D and the thought is getting easier because I just don't see any change in the near or far future.
> 
> JustSomeGuyWho, I felt the exact same way. It just seemed like she was trying to pump my Wife up to make her feel like everything is okay and she shouldn't feel bad. She asked my Wife if it was turned around would you be able to trust him and would you have resentment towards him? My Wife said, she didn't know and the MC said; "You know what I think? I think you would be able to trust him without resentment." I interrupted her and told her that she has no place telling my Wife how she would feel if that happened, and that she has no idea the hell we've been through in the last year and what I'm going through without sex right now. She again tried to backup her statements which failed as well....


Ask the mc if it's ok to get your needs met elsewhere I mean sex isn't important right?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So the affair was a year ago and during the last year since you found out she has agreed to sex only a handful of times?

Please find your own therapist, whether you divorce or not.

Shame on your wife!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The therapist is dead wrong. It has everything to do with sex. What happened to your wife poor body image during the affair? What ever happened then should be happening with you. 

After a year of MC, you should know by now if you want to stay married. R is an ongoing process, it ain't over till its over. 

This is not successful recovery of a marriage. You have a good housemate and co-parent. Is that what you were looking for? 

Tell the MC that you are paying her to help you recover your marriage. You can get a room mate and co-parent on your own. 

Tell the MC to come up with a plan and timeline for you and your wife to reconcile a marriage. If she cant then fire her. 

I think you should let your wife know that you still have not decided if you want to stay married to her. She seems to think it is a done deal and she is costing. Perhaps give it 3 - 6 months and then take a review of things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> The therapist is dead wrong. It has everything to do with sex. What happened to your wife poor body image during the affair? What ever happened then should be happening with you.
> 
> After a year of MC, you should know by now if you want to stay married. R is an ongoing process, it ain't over till its over.
> 
> ...


Brilliant! Spot on! Smart and to the point! Well done Catherine!


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> The therapist is dead wrong. It has everything to do with sex. What happened to your wife poor body image during the affair? What ever happened then should be happening with you.
> 
> After a year of MC, you should know by now if you want to stay married. R is an ongoing process, it ain't over till its over.
> 
> ...


I haven't announced it so to speak but I am giving this last go until November 1st, if nothing changes then I have promised myself to file for D. I need to be happy and have someone that is attracted me to just as much as I am attracted to them.

I never did tell either side of our family about the affair which was my first mistake...

I actually did try to tell the MC that I want a timeline as to when we should be at milestones or certain stages and she said; "Well, you really can't put a timeline on things like this, everyone heals differently." I asked her why I need to be over this yesterday then and she said, well the only way to move on is to put things in the past behind us. Lord........


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Get rid of this person. Your instincts are right. 

Good therapist have a working timeline not in terms of a concrete time but a general idea based on the baseline evaluation of the individuals. It can't be open ended because nothing will get done. There is a normal progression of recovery or lack thereof. 

There are benchmarks to evaluate a successful trajectory. If the targets are not being hit then a change in direction is warranted. Does that make sense to you, Unhappy?

This lazy azz therapist is winging it with your time, money and marriage.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Get rid of this person. Your instincts are right.
> 
> Every therapist has a working timeline. It can't be open ended because nothing will get done. There is a normal progression of recovery or lack thereof.
> 
> ...


That makes perfect sense. I'm standing by my original statement and not going back to her.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Not cool. Affection is very important in a marriage. Boo therapist boo!
> Tell your wife you need affection to feel loved. If she cannot give that to you, your headed for a lonely life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not an on-off switch either. It's a degredation over time. There is a huge effect, kinda like starving a horse nearly to death.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Get rid of this person. Your instincts are right.
> 
> Good therapist have a working timeline not in terms of a concrete time but a general idea based on the baseline evaluation of the individuals. It can't be open ended because nothing will get done. There is a normal progression of recovery or lack thereof.
> 
> ...


This.

I've sent friends to my MC and she sets timelines. Fail to meet them and she will fire YOU. 

Seriously.

She spotted this one husband who refused to do a darn thing within a few sessions. She looked at my friend and said "I'm sorry but coming here is a waste of your time and mine". She sent them both packing. They are divorced now.


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## unhappy_guy (Sep 5, 2013)

So I think what I'm going to do is just cut out MC all together since the one we were just seeing just doesn't seem to get what's really going on. The Wife wants to keep going to her so she is going to head to the next appointment by herself. I'm giving this until November like I planned, if the sex does not improve I'm filing...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> The therapist is dead wrong. It has everything to do with sex. What happened to your wife poor body image during the affair? What ever happened then should be happening with you.
> 
> After a year of MC, you should know by now if you want to stay married. R is an ongoing process, it ain't over till its over.
> 
> ...


I agree with this, however I wouldn't leave it up to the marriage counselor to come up with a time line. When I got my wife to return to marriage counseling I specifically said that I wanted to see progress before January 1. We didn't need to be "cured" by then, but if there was no real progress we would proceed with divorce.

I also had a list of goals, one of them was the resumption of sex.

Your argument about pride and shame is a false one. Everything doesn't need to be opposites. That's like asking "Do you like sub-zero weather or desert climates?" What? There's no happy middle ground? Of course there is.

Your wife should feel neither shame nor pride in what she did.

Go back to counseling with a reasonable timeline and a list of goals and see what happens.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> So I think what I'm going to do is just cut out MC all together since the one we were just seeing just doesn't seem to get what's really going on. The Wife wants to keep going to her so she is going to head to the next appointment by herself. I'm giving this until November like I planned, if the sex does not improve I'm filing...


Have you communicated to your wife about where you are at in all of this? I'm sure you've indicated your displeasure with the lack of sex to her, but have you told her that you will leave for good if she cannot find that spark that she felt for you in the past so that you two can have a fulfilling love life again? She needs to know where you are in all of this.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Lots of good advice in this thread.

Just curious about the affair/sex situation:

- was it EA, PA or both?
- how long was it going on behind your back?
- how did you find out, did she come clean or did you have to dig?
- you didn't tell family and friends, so was their rug-sweeping?
- was there a NC letter, blow up at work, exposure at all?
- did you get all the details that you asked for about the A?

The only reason I'm asking is because of the "no sex for you" situation, which is blamed on wife's self-image and your inability to get over the affair. I think the fact you stayed with her and didn't expose to family says you were willing to work to save the marriage, and putting any of the blame on you for "not getting over it soon enough" is a huge slap in your face. You can't put a timeline on "getting over it", and frankly, your wife should be doing the heavy lifting to earn your trust back, not penalizing you with denial of booty. I'm guessing she didn't have issues spreading for the OM, so she enjoyed "complete vulnerability" with him, but not for the man willing to stay married to her?

I don't like this MC.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, I had the same experience in MC except we had gone 3.5 years without sex. The counselor didn't want to hear anything about it and cut me off whenever I brought it up. Now, it wasn't the biggest issue in our marriage but it was important to me and she completely dismissed it.
> 
> Sex isn't the issue unless it is. How's that for an answer? In many cases the lack of sex is a symptom and in that case the MC is correct to focus on fixing the underlying issues. It is also true that without underlying marital problems, people have different expectations and needs regarding sex. In that case, it shouldn't be so easily dismissed.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


3.5 years!!

I am uncertain I could go that long with sex being with held. Divorce would have been very very seriously considered.

I am not sure I could believe my wife even loved me after that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Lots of good advice in this thread.
> 
> Just curious about the affair/sex situation:
> 
> ...


I'm sure this type of action would be like "witchcraft" in an African nation to destroy a males sexual potency.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

unhappy_guy said:


> So I think what I'm going to do is just cut out MC all together since the one we were just seeing just doesn't seem to get what's really going on. The Wife wants to keep going to her so she is going to head to the next appointment by herself. I'm giving this until November like I planned, if the sex does not improve I'm filing...


On one point I agree with the MC, it's not about sex. What is sorely lacking is the emotional connection between partners. It's this amazing emotional connection fueled by trust & vulnerability that leads to intimacy. 

Oh, lest I forget .... Men feel emotional connection during sex.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It appears that the counselor may well be "asexual".


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

soulseer said:


> 3.5 years!!
> 
> I am uncertain I could go that long with sex being with held. Divorce would have been very very seriously considered.
> 
> ...


... and only 6 times in the two years since then (5 of them this year). I am 46 and I've had sex 6 times since I turned 40. It is is impossible to relay to people who have normal sex lives how difficult that is. I will admit that I allowed it to tear me down and for the longest time I felt ... broken. At some point, I refused to let it tear me down anymore and decided to give the relationship everything I had, mostly for the sake of my children but also because I have this "weird thing" about quitting, lol. Our relationship has improved significantly but I don't think it will be enough.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> Okay, long story short my wife cheated about 1 year ago and we've been going to MC ever since. The only reason I didn't leave was because we lived with her parents since I had lost my job due to downsizing and we couldn't afford the rent on our place anymore. That was 2 years ago, we spent 1 year in her parents house to get back on our feet and I was able to get a great job and make $30k more than my last job and we have purchased a house.
> 
> MC has been helping us get closer again and move past everything that happened but I brought up how our marriage is sexless in which I mean in the last 12 months we have had sex MAYBE 5 times. There is ZERO intimate touching, or anything of that nature. Hugs, and kisses on the lips are frequent but nothing intimate. My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself.
> 
> ...


Personally, I would strongly consider leaving the marriage counselor and the wife. Not only has she cheated on you, but she is withholding sex since? That sucks.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the bottom line.

your wife just anit that into you.probley never was. 

she was not sexual with you but cheated on you and then still dosen't want sex with you.


thats alot to over come as a guy.

my advice is hit the road a running. shes not worth your efforts.

good luck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> the bottom line.
> 
> your wife just anit that into you.probley never was.
> 
> ...


It happens. We also can run into crooks, friends of people who are our "enemies", etc. You find out it is bad or went bad, and accept it for what it is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree that the MC is an idiot. 

My main issue though, is if I were cheated on then an awesome "daily" sex life would be the absolute minimum requirement #1 before I would even consider reconciliation. You've rug swept my friend. Cheating and then keeping you sexless is beyond disrespectful. She's treating you like a doormat and you're putting up with it. 

Waiting until November will do no good at all. However I've seen a number of threads where husbands dumped their non performing wives and they were all of a sudden throwing themselves at him. There's even an active thread on this right now. Anyway I'm thinking that's what it's going to take. I'd leave, tell her you won't live in a sexless marriage, especially with a cheater and then go. Watch what happens.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You should fire the MC and expose the affair to both families. Tell your wife now that she cheated in her affair and is cheating you now by withholding sex. Tell her you will never get the emotional connection back and if she will not change, tell her to leave.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Yet another prime example of how people put far too much stock into Marriage counselling.


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## Aldrin (Aug 25, 2013)

Had another big sit-down with my wife, she now has appts with her primary doctor about her period first, then her lack of sex drive... she says it in that order too... I protested a bit about that but gave it up realizing that she's agreed to improve this and meet every benchmark we're discussing. And then she makes some appts with a new therapist too but as I'm overhearing it, it's about her depression, anxiety oh then intimacy, literally she said it again in that order. Hard not to think this will work out the same last time we went counseling route... I swear even in addressing this issue this avoidance at every stage to really just open up about sex, I mean my god it's like shes a nun, it's prude even.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dude, read my post again. Then tell your wife that its unacceptable. You're getting played and doing nothing about it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what I'm reading here, you haven't been reading in the coping with infidelity thread. No?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

unhappy_guy said:


> Okay, long story short my wife cheated about 1 year ago and we've been going to MC ever since. The only reason I didn't leave was because we lived with her parents since I had lost my job due to downsizing and we couldn't afford the rent on our place anymore. That was 2 years ago, we spent 1 year in her parents house to get back on our feet and I was able to get a great job and make $30k more than my last job and we have purchased a house.
> 
> MC has been helping us get closer again and move past everything that happened but I brought up how our marriage is sexless in which I mean in the last 12 months we have had sex MAYBE 5 times. There is ZERO intimate touching, or anything of that nature. Hugs, and kisses on the lips are frequent but nothing intimate. My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself.
> 
> ...



Did your wife honestly tell you in detail why she cheated on you?

Her fantasies? Adventurous sex? Something lacking that she needed but never talked about?

You were financially hard up but now everything has turned around, bought a house, nice new better paying job, being there for her more, even marriage counseling. You are a great hubby for her!!!

This marriage counselor says sex isn't an issue and cuts you off? Find a new marriage counselor because she doesn't have a clue about how men feel and think. Only a female marriage counselor "of course" for the ladies, equals biased and a waste of time and cash.

If your wife has low self esteem and body image of herself, she has the power and choice to do something about it. She is not a child.

You've been put through a lot and are the better man of this marriage in all respects. I would sit your wife down, hammer out what turns her on, what can be done to get her body image and self esteem up and tell her, sex is very important in your marriage. If she doesn't want to change and take care of your needs, like a wife should out of love, divorce her. She cheated on you, remember. You are the victim here and not her.

And the reason her sex drive is so low, I wouldn't be surprised if she's seeing someone else, EA, PA, sexting and you haven't found out yet. Otherwise, she would be all over you, adventurous sex, you name it, to prove to you she loves you and is making a real effort.

There's an old saying, "talk is cheap but actions speak louder than words."

If you truly love her, put up with her crap but remember, you are only young once, and why waste it on a low sex drive woman, who cheated on you?!, and you have a good paying job, new house and are being sexually starved?!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I get what the MC was driving towards.... how to break down the resentments. What was missed was HOW that is done.

No, you don't just "get over it".
Your wife has to make amends, earn your trust, and do the heavy lifting. Lots of tips in the CWI section on how that happens.

You could learn a lot more over there than the MC is doing.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How did you find out the last time? Could she still be cheating? Is she remaining faithful to an affair partner?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How did you find out the last time? Could she still be cheating? Is she remaining faithful to an affair partner?


This is the thing. Usually, they would have had sex more in the first few weeks of reconcilliation than they ever had, tapering off over the year.

What was your sex life like before and during the affair.

Normally, women are likely to cut off their partner during an affair and this situation is extremely suspicious.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

unhappy_guy said:


> Anyway, I brought this up the other day with our MC and she said it's not about the sex so I need to stop putting a priority on that. What she said is that the issue is that I still don't trust my Wife, in which I do and that my Wife still feels shame for her actions. She actually told us that I need to let the past completely go and my Wife needs to let the shame on her side go. Then and only then will the sex start to return. I'm sorry but what the **** is she smoking? I trust my Wife, yes it's still with me, you can't let something like that just go and say, well I don't think I'll bother thinking about this anymore, it's no big deal. Naturally my Wife likes her and wants to keep going back to her. I did like her until this last session, I have no idea what to do now. I told my Wife that maybe I shouldn't put a priority on sex since it seems to just get in the way and puts pressure on her and upset me since I get more action from the couch than her. She doesn't want me to give up on sex though which makes zero sense. Can anyone help me get this stuff sorted out?
> 
> Thank you for reading this all if you did


Therapists are worth a dime a dozen and don't know jack from jill when it comes to relationship dynamics. I went to one for 6 months, she tried saying the same thing about my wife and I. I can tell you 100% that sex IS the issue in my marriage. She said I have anger issues, I pointed out to her that the anger is due to lack of sex (tellingly, my wife did NOT disagree with me) and it's like she didn't hear me at all. Your therapist is going to come up with every excuse he/she can in order to keep the cash flow from your sessions coming in.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself."

Self-conscious my butt. How did she manage to overcome her 'issues' with her partner in slime? Sounds like she is using this as an excuse to keep you at arms length. 

Your MC may be right - this may not be about the sex. This may be more about wife not wanting sex with you. Even with her low self-esteem and body issues she managed the horizontal mambo with another guy just fine.

Good luck and mark the November date on your calendar in big bold ink or you'll be here a year from now talking about not getting any.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "My Wife always says it's because she is self conscious of her body and she has VERY low self esteem. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, what I love about her, what is beautiful about her but she still seems to be down on herself."
> 
> Self-conscious my butt. How did she manage to overcome her 'issues' with her partner in slime? Sounds like she is using this as an excuse to keep you at arms length.
> 
> ...


It was an ego thing for her.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It was an ego thing for her.


Ego, indeed. Looking a little deeper, the WS seeks external validation that should come from within themselves. This internal validation we call self-esteem, confidence, self-love etc. People avoid this because looking at the events that trashed our self-image is painful. We are asking people to standup, to be courageous. We BSs, live in the wake of the calamity that ensues upon the failure of the WSs to take personal responsibility for their self-image. 

As I think more about this, I see the WS as a frightened child, reacting violently, trying to find a branch to cling to until the waters recede. I am on the shore, deciding whether or not to extend my arm. An apology is nice if thoughtful, but ultimately pointless until the WS takes control of their personal psychology. I cannot see how this happens in a vacuum. Kindest Regards-


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long have you been married?
Did you ever have a good sex life.
Would she be interested in sex to have children?
Did she affair down? 

Read Bagdon's thread. Perhaps your wife is not worth fighting for? 

Eventually, if you are rejected long enough, you will cease to initiate. furthermore, if she does come on to you, you may reject her to pay her back. If her self-esteem is poor now, the rejection by you not going to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Not cool. Affection is very important in a marriage. Boo therapist boo!
> Tell your wife you need affection to feel loved. If she cannot give that to you, your headed for a lonely life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


they have an affair and the issue about lack of sex / intimacy continues. they do that and they continue to deny you. then to top it off they tell you that the affair sex was boring, tacky or tell you nothing at all. But still they gave out something, that they deny you, like cotton candy. how dare you want intimacy! I'm not capable of it right now and I don't know if i will be in the mood for quite some time - unless I'm having an affair.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

unhappy_guy said:


> Great point, and I've even mentioned that to my Wife and the MC about body images. I have NEVER met a woman that was 100% happy with her body, and I doubt I ever will. There is always something that they can't stand about their own body when we the men could care less and see perfection and beauty.


Yes and the "players' see perfection and beauty everywhere, everyday, every moment and mostly they see it in people who are hitched


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has the op disappeared?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I like this thread since I have often written about MC's.

For a start your mistake was arguing with her and getting the better of her. They dont like that. If you go you must not do that. They automatically will side with the wife (in your case) and say she is right however idiotic it may be. I bet your wife also finds her idiotic, they usually know right from wrong even when they're doing wrong.

I have written on another thread that MC's dont like talking about sex. They know its the problem better than you and are well aware of it. As long as she 'backs' up your wife and she will continue doing that nothing will improve.

You seem to be called the culprit here although your wife did the cheating. This is very common with MC's. Why have none come back here and there are hundreds advertising here to defend their actions.

Instead of your wife being the one to ask for forgiveness you are being told to ask for it. And until you 'get' it she is withholding sex.

Of course nothing of this makes sense and if it wasnt an MC saying it I wouldnt even believe it. But they have the weirdest notion of what marriage is about and sex doesnt seem to be part of it. 

For some reason you find it hard to 'break up' although everyone here is telling you to do it. It is easier said than done. So what should you do. I dont know about yours and hers family connections which usually complicate matters but if you wouldnt have any, I am not sure if you already mentioned kids, but even if you have some it will be hard on them. 

It seems you dont really need her and can manage without her. So your best bet is even if you live in the same house and provide money for her is not to talk to her at all. If you must, write messages. Cook your own food, and basically have nothing to do with her. Maybe give her a timeline so she has time to think things over. Unless there will be sex that is how you intend to live with her for the time being. Forget about MC you dont and she doesnt need it. All the MC is doing is putting silly ideas into her head. Explain its not because you hate her but because you cant see any other way of living with her. You need sex from her and if she cant provide it then you have to live like that. Dont discuss anything at all with her. 

She will get the message. Let her make the decision if she wants divorce or sex. Make sure you keep it up.


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