# Wife said "I don't love you anymore..." What to do? Please advise



## chunky (Mar 15, 2013)

Here goes...
my wife and I have known each other for 12 years and married for 6. we have a 3 year old son and our life was perfect. we have everything we wanted, good health, good house, good career and sex was fun (at least from what I can tell) and everything was perfect. She had Gastric Sleeve surgery about 2 years ago and lost about 120LBs, she looks amazing and I tell her that everyday. I shower her with affections, dates, gifts and attention. She is the love of my life and I could not imagine spending a day without her. Few months ago, she told me she doesn't love me anymore. she has no desire to kiss me or even sleep with me. She is seeking attention from other men. we have been going to counselor but she is not opening up during the session so everything is very fake. This is what she's been telling me. "I need some time to figure things out. I don't know why i'm seeking other men and hurting you. I know it's wrong and I need to figure out what I want." 
Our counselor told her she needs to end that emotional affair if she really wants to work on the marriage and she did. everything was getting better until her girl trip to NY. Last month, while in NY... she met a guy at a bar and made out with him. she promised there is no sex and I believe her. Since that day, i've been sleeping in a separate room but still in the same house. She couldn't move out because she fear of abandoning our son. She is not happy when she is at home, she doesn't really talk to me and the bad part is she continues to communicate with her even to this date. she said he is a distraction because she doesn't want to deal with us. he makes her feel good and she likes it. 
i'm going to counselor (for 6 months now) and she is starting to see a counselor on her own. Last week, i told her because she is still communicating with him, i am going to seek a divorce lawyer. she starts to cry and told me she doesn't want a divorce, she still doesn't know what she wants. My guess is she doesn't know if she wants to stay in a marriage with no desire for me just to stay with our son, or break the family and be alone. The guy stopped communicating with her because he doesn't want this drama. 

If there is no love for me, why am I holding onto this marriage? I desperately wants her, I forgive everything she did as long as it doesn't happen again. I will be even more attentive and try to re-spark our love. Seems very hard because she doesn't communicate with me, she is not trying to repair our marriage (in my eyes)

I'm thinking of asking her to move out. have a real separation and see if she needs me. see if she misses me. i know this will either be good or bad. i know a lot of separations where a spouse see this as FREEDOM and they end up in divorce.

any advise for a broken man?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So she made out with some guy but didn't have sex with him? You seriously believe that?

Actually that doesn't matter. Since you blindly forgave her affair she doesn't respect you. After all which women would respect a man that instantly forgives her cheating? Now tell me this, can a women love someone who she doesn't respect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chunky (Mar 15, 2013)

i really do forgive her but i don't know if i trust her not doing it anymore. she is very flirty and she gets a lot of attention especially now she is 120LB less than before. Part of me think that's the reason, she never got this much attention before and now she said it's like a drug, she can't turn it off.

for her it's really a decision of staying in a marriage where she has no desire for me or divorce, possible being alone and split our son. 

i don't know if i should wait or ask her for separation (not in the same house)


----------



## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

I don't understand why when most women lose weight they are so quick to leave or cheat on there husbands..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not broken dude.......your wife is!

Chick dig confident men and your old lady doesn't see one. Granted she caught a climbs of one when you made your divorce statement, but sorry my man your attraction level is so low right now for letting this thing take 6 months to evolve.

If you want your old lady back you have to let her go.... come on face it....6 months go by and as soon as you mention divorce she cracks....see how it works?

This should have been your 1st stance so many months ago, but no you try to nice your way out of it and she phucks you every step of the way. You love her to much. She has not had any consequences to make her think twice, until now.

My chick got a taste of tough love on day one and the both of us have never regretted it. Sure I was an @ss hole for laughing at her and smiling at her while I asked her to leave, but once my chicks fantasy was brought to light and she saw it was me and the kids versus some POS kid who sleeps with married chicks and still lives with mommy and daddy....well the choice was clear.

My suggestion, quit screwing around and push her toward the OM let her be his problem, ask her to leave, accuse her of abandoning you, and cut her off totally. Push her into the arms of this phucker.

Once she sees the reality of it all and what it really is she will beg you to "work it out" .......then it will be your new job as a member of the cheater police to see if she really means it!

What sucks is the longer you let it go on the stronger the bound w/ OM....It will take another 6 month for her to start begging once you put into play the tough love I speak of.

Sorry bro, you can't nice your way out of this, in fact you will most likely let her go before she sees the fantasy for her addiction has done to you.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

What was her weight when she married you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chunky (Mar 15, 2013)

she was about 300 and now she is about 180... 
i know i need to man up and ask her to leave but i know this will destroy her. (at the same time destroying me)


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

keko said:


> What was her weight when she married you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And, Chunky, what do you weigh? I suppose a lot considering your name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

The way I see it is she settled for you because of her weight, you were probably one of very few if not the only guy to take her seriously.. But now since she's in much better shape she "thinks" she deserves much better then you. Odds are regardless of how much you improve yourself, she will still cheat over and over again.

I remember reading another poster mention a study saying 80% of women that had gastric bypass/sleeve, were divorced related to an extramarital affair. His screen name is Machiavelli, you can message him if need be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

westbank23 said:


> I don't understand why when most women lose weight they are so quick to leave or cheat on there husbands..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cuz it easy for some POS to pick up on married chicks. The betrayed husband deals with the day to day crap while there WW pisses and mourns about the weight that they turn off their old lady.

In short the husband turns off to all the b1tching and once some POS pays interest the husband is phucked.

The WW has these validation issue and instead of dealing with them in a healthy manner they take the easy way out.

Instead of apologizing for putting the H thru hell they go else were.


----------



## chunky (Mar 15, 2013)

I weight 220... we were both about 300LB and i'm down to 220 without surgery. I always loved her for who she is not what she look like... just can't believe she is willing to give up 12 years of relationship and our son for this.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry you really have nothing to do with her choices these days. 

But you can start getting her to second guess her choices and think twice in her decisions by having the confidence in no longer sharing your wife and having the balls to just let her go!


I know....this is the last thing you want, but what the hell have you done? what has been working for you?


Simply put with out consequences bad behavior continues.


So please start making this affair inconvenient and uncomfortable. This includes the tough love of exposing this to other ( especially if the OM is married) financially cutting her off and asking her to leave.

She won't leave, but then again wouldn't reality set in when OM gets a knock on the door with some chick and her kid????? The point is you are making a statement that you are confident in no longer tolerating sharing your wife.

Things like requesting a STD test and even a DNA test are tactic that pull your WW out of her fog.

I know it sound like your pushing her away, but thats what it takes, even if this is an exit affair you can at least move it along in stead of dealing with the emotional crap you are dealing with.....its like sh1t or get off the pot.....him or me.....please make the choice for your wife it will be a hell of alot less painful once you have direction. For better or for worse find your direction and let it be up to your chick to keep up or not!


----------



## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

keko said:


> The way I see it is she settled for you because of her weight, you were probably one of very few if not the only guy to take her seriously.. But now since she's in much better shape she "thinks" she deserves much better then you. Odds are regardless of how much you improve yourself, she will still cheat over and over again.
> 
> I remember reading another poster mention a study saying 80% of women that had gastric bypass/sleeve, were divorced related to an extramarital affair. His screen name is Machiavelli, you can message him if need be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That's was harsh but ill have to agree with that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

westbank23 said:


> That's was harsh but ill have to agree with that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sucks to be harsh, but no body likes to see a guy being a doormat...even a stranger!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

chunky said:


> I weight 220... we were both about 300LB and i'm down to 220 without surgery. I always loved her for who she is not what she look like... just can't believe she is willing to give up 12 years of relationship and our son for this.


Without knowing your heights and natural body types, I would guess that you are actually closer to the ideal weight a man should be than she is towards what a woman should be. This is oversimplifying it, but for a man to be considered "hot", his weight would typically range from 175 - 200 lbs, and it could be higher if he's weight training. OTOH, your wife is still in at a weight I would consider as fairly overweight from the ideal weights for women. A hot woman typically is in weight range of 115 - 140 lbs. To most men, your wife would be still fairly overweight. Again, this is going with the assumption that you and her are average heights with normal body builds.

I would venture to guess that you may have some leverage here if you choose to use it. Have you been getting hit on more by women since you lost your weight? If so, you may want to tell your wife that you would have no problem replacing her because there are plenty of women that would find you attractive and would want to shower you with attention. 

At a minimum, you and your wife should have full transparency with your e-mails, FB and all other electronic devices and social media sites. Since your wife is in such a sorry state of mind, GNOs, let alone girl trips to other destinations, should be off limits since she cannot be trusted. You'll need to get advice from the posters on CWI for further actions to monitor her activities if you are looking for proof of cheating.

Consider getting a mod to move this to the coping with infidelity forum.


----------



## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

Save your money for the counseling. Did you think she was lying when she said she doesn't want to touch you and have sex? File for divorce. The sooner the better. It doesn't matter what you want if she doesn't want the same thing. Get your act together and quit being her door mat.


----------

