# So tired of this.



## Vulture989 (Sep 5, 2016)

My wife of almost 10 years now suffers from borderline personality disorder ,ptsd, and and generalized anxiety disorder. We have four children and there has never been any infidelity.

But her mental issues have become too much for me to handle and she doesn't take her meds correctly I talked to her about it she said she would fix it then she trys to overdose. I can't have the behavior she exhibits around me or my children anymore. I feel bad as some of the issues she really can't help but finding her almost unconscious with empty pill bottles around her in the front yard was a breaking point for me I can't have that selfish and dangers behavior around my kids.
I still love her very much and care for her but I think divorce is my only option to have a safe sane life for me and children as we have tried counseling both couple and individual. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

wow... I totally agree with you. As someone who is also married to someone with mental issues, you NEED to consider how her behaviours are going to effect your children. If I were you, I would start gathering some information about her disorders.. record her medication.. take journal notes about her behaviours and keep all that information to ensure you get custody of your kids.

You need to leave her. As much as you may love her, staying is only going to allow her to continue these behaviours, and your children ARE watching.. and they ARE learning and being effected.

This is dangerous stuff for them. You need to protect your young and get them in a happier and healthier home environment. Encourage them to keep a relationship with their mother, but they shouldn't be surrounded by the all the time.

I'm sorry for your situation; but she's choosing not to take the proper steps to get help. You cannot force her into it. I really think you should leave.

Good luck!


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## Vulture989 (Sep 5, 2016)

I have done quite a bit of research on her disorders have lots of info. I also have copies of the police reports from the 3 times I had to call the cops to take her to get help after she cut herself and refused to go get help on her own and from them showing up with the ambulance with her overdose this late time. 

Now for full disclosure I am bipolar but take my meds and keep all my doctors appointments. Her behavior recently has had a huge negative effect on my mental health. right now I have my parents staying at my house to help me with kids.

I spoke with her today and toled her I can't have this behavior in our children's or my lives anymore and want a divorce. I proceed to tell her I love her and want to see her get better. But I can't risk everyone else's well being because she doesn't or isn't capable of taking care of herself without constant supervision that I can't and shouldn't have to provide an adult.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Also sounds like you should have full custody of the children and only supervised visitation for her. Her behavior is dangerous and could at the very least be harmful to the mental well being of your kids.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I don't know where you are located but didn't the police or ER doctor suggest committing her in an institution? I'm not familiar with mental health law so I maybe talking out of my ***.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Vulture989 said:


> Any advice would be appreciated.


Make sure you get FULL custody of the kids before she decides a murder/suicide is preferable to suicide alone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think you're doing the right thing. How old are your kids? I am so glad your parents can help you out with them.


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## Vulture989 (Sep 5, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think you're doing the right thing. How old are your kids? I am so glad your parents can help you out with them.


My kids are are 9,7,5 and 8 months old.
To the person asking about the er or police committing her. The most the police can do here is get a 72 hour hold on her. The er ships her to one of the local mental health hospitalservices who get a judge to sign a warrant giving the doctors there control over when they let her go.
Which is usually till they need to let her go to free up space longest she's been held is 3 weeks.

This time from the limited communication I've had with the case worker on her case they are finally talking long term stay in a state run hospital not just a city or private one.

Despite wanting a divorce I still want the best for her and want her to get the help she needs.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Vulture989 said:


> This time from the limited communication I've had with the case worker on her case they are finally talking long term stay in a state run hospital not just a city or private one.
> 
> Despite wanting a divorce I still want the best for her and want her to get the help she needs.


Of course, you want the best for her! She's the mother of your children. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Do what you can to get longer term treatment for her. Be engaged with her case worker as much as possible. 

Your children should be your #1 priority. Keep them in a healthy & safe environment. I hope that she's able to receive some long term treatment at a facility that specializes in mental health issues.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Of course, you want the best for her! She's the mother of your children. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Do what you can to get longer term treatment for her. Be engaged with her case worker as much as possible.
> 
> Your children should be your #1 priority. Keep them in a healthy & safe environment. I hope that she's able to receive some long term treatment at a facility that specializes in mental health issues.


:iagree::iagree:

Thinking of you.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Your children should be your first priority and keep them in a safe environment.


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## shaybib (Sep 13, 2016)

yes the kids should be a priority but also yourself.
you have only one life and you can't put everybody else first.
you should take care of yourself also.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is not a light matter at all.
I don't mean to sound harsh, because those are all serious illnesses you describe, but think about the number of stories out there where a mother has lost the will to live and decides to take her children with her.

It's not rational but it does happen.
You, as the stronger and sane person, owe it to your kids and their futures to do everything to have full custody. Your wife has now fired herself from that job with her actions.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Until you're separated you might want to consider taking her meds away from her and dispensing them to her on an "as prescribed" basis.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Vulture989 said:


> My wife of almost 10 years now suffers from borderline personality disorder ,ptsd, and and generalized anxiety disorder.


Vulture, I am so sorry to hear that. I was married for 15 years to my BPDer ex W. At great expense, I payed for her weekly visits to 6 psychologists and 3 MCs throughout the 15 year marriage -- all to no avail. What typically happens with BPDers is that, as the years go by, they become increasingly resentful of your inability to make them happy (an impossible task) and increasingly fearful of abandonment (as they see their bodies aging).



> But her mental issues have become too much for me to handle and she doesn't take her meds correctly.


As you know by now, the meds are targeted to her comorbid disorders (PTSD and anxiety) but will not make a dent in her BPD issues. With or without meds, she will still lack the skills of being able to calm herself, to regulate her own emotions, to avoid relying on black-white thinking, to trust you, and to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as self evident "facts." Instead, she will continue to heavily rely on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children.



> I can't have that selfish and dangers behavior around my kids.


As all other respondents have told you, your first responsibility is to your children. 



> I still love her very much and care for her but I think divorce is my only option to have a safe sane life for me and children as we have tried counseling both couple and individual.


If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly is a low functioning BPDer to have done cutting. Moreover, her therapist likely would not have told her the name of her disorder is she were high functioning. In this situation, couples' counseling likely will be a total waste of time and money until the BPDer has had at least several years of intensive IC to address her more serious underlying issues. As to the IC, most major cities offer excellent treatment programs. It is extremely unlikely, however, that a BPDer will possess the self awareness and ego strength needed to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.



> Any advice would be appreciated.


Vulture, I suggest you read _Splitting: __Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist_. I also suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the family members of BPDers. It offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the _"__*Co-Parenting after the Split*"_ board.

If you would like to read about some of my experiences with a BPDer exW, I suggest you take a look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ and my more detailed description of them in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Vulture.


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