# Hanging out with your stbx?



## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

BACKGROUND: Wife left, had an EA with a guy at work. There's a lot more to it but that's the jist of it.

With the holiday weekend coming up, I am making plans to enjoy Saturday at a park during the afternoon leading up to fireworks that night. For the past few years, it has been my wife and I, our kids and our parents along with some friends partaking in this annual event. Being that my wife and I have been separated for over three months, I had planned on it just being me and the kids and my parents...and whatever friends show up.

Yesterday I get an e-mail from my wife saying my mom invited her parents to come to the park. And of course her parents wanted her (my wife) there. She asked me if that would be okay.

No way. I told her I didn't think it was the best idea.

Before you judge me, let me tell you that I have gone to a counselor and have worked very hard to get to this point in the separation where I'm not hurting when I wake up in the morning and I'm not thinking about what she's doing 24/7. I hated life just a couple months ago and now I feel like I'm finally okay with whatever happens to me. Do I want to have to see the woman who caused me so much pain in a social setting so we can act like nothing is wrong? I don't want that.

I've told myself from the beginning of this split that I will not be friends with her. I can act cordial with her, especially in front of the kids. But I don't need to hang out with her. The only way I would think about doing something like this is if she came up to me and said she would like to start working on the relationship. And even then it would take a lot of convincing on her part. She has told me things like "there is no us anymore" and "I hope you find someone."

Am I being too stubborn? I feel like the only way to stay in the mood that I'm in is to live the life I was handed and make the best of it. I know both of our parents want us to work things out so maybe I should just tell them something my wife told me when I was hurting emotionally: 

"This will be a lot easier on you if you just get to where I am."

I don't know where "you are" now but I'll be at the park drinking a beer and having fun with my kids.

Happy Birthday America!


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

If you are in a healthy place then no it is not bad. It sounds like you have no plans on reconciling.....right? If not then it is fine. I personally dont think that hanging out is a bad thing with family BUT if it is going to put you back in an unhealthy place then no. Me and my H hung out but we have only been separated for 7 weeks and are in the process of reconciling. I think you have to keep yourself in a healthy place 1st


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## gally (Jun 28, 2010)

I'm no expert and TBH my life is pretty crappy... but dont ever put yourself through that. Don't fake it. Just say no, if its too hard for you to mix with the family that you used to mix with then dont.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well only you know what is best for your being, and it sounds like its too soon. Someday it would be nice to be able to do things together that are about the kids but eveyones situation is differnt.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> If you are in a healthy place then no it is not bad. It sounds like you have no plans on reconciling.....right? If not then it is fine. I personally dont think that hanging out is a bad thing with family BUT if it is going to put you back in an unhealthy place then no. Me and my H hung out but we have only been separated for 7 weeks and are in the process of reconciling. I think you have to keep yourself in a healthy place 1st


Honestly, if this was a couple months ago, I would have agreed to it because all I wanted to do was reconcile. But with time, it has gotten easier for me to be away from her. And I know reconciliation isn't on her mind. If it is, she is very bad at displaying it. So I think this is just her looking at it like things are normal between us. She had said she hoped we could still be friends. But I won't do that to myself. Someday it will be "Hey friend, who is that guy you're holding hands with." No thanks.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m 6 months separated from my wife. Had an email from her yesterday about sending on some of her things. In the email she mentioned our sons and my brother. I asked her to keep things at a “business level”, just tell me what you want me to do and if I can I will.

I was a bit emotionally affected by the email but not much. Took me a long time and a lot of pain and work to get to the stage I’m at. You too have probably gone through a lot of pain and work to get where you are. You know your boundaries now, why on earth should you agree to do something that may well set the whole process off again? I don’t think you’re being “stubborn” just sensible and protecting yourself from further pain.

My wife said she wanted to be friends as well. What a joke that is, who needs “friends” like that.

You might want to let your parents know where you’re at and how you feel so you’re not put in a similar situation in the future.

Bob


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

My wife said the same to me after having 3?? (you never are really sure on the total) affairs. She said that I was her best friend and she wanted to stay friends no matter what. My response to that was, "damn, if I'm your best friend and you did this to me then I'd really hate to see what you do to your enemies" 
friendships are like relationships...they need trust, respect, and a little sacrifice. When that is brought into question in a relationship, it doesn't just disappear when you become 'just friends'. Then it's time to add big brother jealosy into the party lol.
in short...if you can just keep it business because that will be best for you in the long run. Obviously there are exceptions to this out there but not the norm IMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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