# Helping a Sibling Has Caused Problems with my Wife - HELP



## FlashGordon (Feb 6, 2013)

OK i need as much feedback as possible.

My brother is going through a nasty separation with a woman that refuses to leave his house. They have been together for about 5 years. They are both wrong in many ways, he sends mixed signals to her, she is unbalanced and hits him, she has been arrested for hitting him, and calls him alot of names as I have heard... its pretty ugly. Now I know my brother has said things to her and he has provoked this marriage as well with his behavior. So im not on anyone side but he is my brother of 40 years.

He finally has a court date to move forward with the separation and has asked me to write a letter to the judge describing what I have heard her say and the verbal abuse I have heard from her. So i did just that. Well my wife completely disagrees that I side with my brother and says it is completely and morally wrong to not write in all of the faults that my brother has caused. 

I have explained I did what he asked... i did not point his faults and I did not lie. All i did was point out what my observations were about my sister in law which is what he asked me to do. I feel its just a matter of opinion as to what is right or wrong here. I did what i feel is right and helped my brother try to get out of a situation, as she is refusing to leave his house that he has lived in for 40 years. They have been married for 5. This will help get her out. He is not throwing her out on the street, he is paying her, she has a place to go, they are just fire and ice and she is mentally unbalanced and is making him loose his mind. He is my blood and I want to help my brother.

Well now my wife is so mad that she is not going to see my family with me, doesnt want to talk to me, she is very short with me, and says she cant trust me and feels she is taking backseat to my family since I did what they asked and ignored what she asked.

Come on help me out here. Did I do such a wrong thing here by writing a letter to the judge even after my wife asked me not to? I did not lie and i did not even stretch the truth. I just did not tell where i feel my brother has faulted.... only my sister in law.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You gave the judge an incomplete story that can harm someone. 

Yes, I would lose respect for you. If you pointed out their faults equally, then I would respect your decision, but that's not what you did. To me, this would be the equivalent of telling the cops that you don't why why John hit Sally when you observed that she pulled a knife on him.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Well just to let you know, the letter probably won't help much. The Judge knows you wrote it for your brother and will consider it as bias. 

Now with that said, you still have to sleep with your wife, not your brother. Or didn't you think that far ahead.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You are not being asked to testify, so there is no requirement that you tell the "whole" truth. I tend to agree with you - you did exactly what you were asked to do and he is your brother. But like Anchor said, you have to live with your wife.

Still, I don't understand why she was so adamant that you don't write the letter. I don't think it is morally wrong to just describe her actions, and it certainly isn't legally wrong - you're not testifying in court. 

But since your W DID SPECIFICALLY ASK YOU not to write the letter, you should have worked that out first. So you did wrong in that regard.

Does she have a relationship with your STBX SIL?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I think you did what you feel is right in regard to your brother. I think your wife should let you make the decision about how you handled the situation. This is your family matter, she should voice her opinion and then let you decide how you wish to proceed. 

The fact that she now does not wish to interact with the family is just childish. She is pouting that you did not do what she wanted.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would ask your wife what you could do to make this up with her. Then do what she asks.

I get wanting to help your brother but honestly it's not your place to get involved in their mess. You SHOULD have gently explained this to your brother... his marital problems are his and you would rather not get in the middle.


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

There's a difference between asking someone not to do something and demanding they don't. It's hard for me to think of an instance where I would tell my wife what she could or couldn't write to someone, or could or couldn't write about.

There are so many areas my wife and I disagree on, but that's normal. What's not normal (although it is common) is to expect her to see everything the way I do and visa versa.

Some differences are gender based. Men and women think differently - period. But so what? I have friends who think differently than I do about some things. Relatives, acquaintances and strangers too.

Now to be fair, the only side of the story we're hearing about concerning your brother and sister-in-law is from *your* point of view. Obviously your wife has some sympathies with your sister-in-law, and to react as strongly as she has indicates she's taking your position personal. But I draw a line between what each of you thinks and who you side with (to each their own) and demanding how the other responds. 

Unless your brother is an ax murderer or a child molester (or some equally vile person) it's your right to send the judge any kind of letter you want. Actually, even then you could send him a letter ... because as long as people still have a free will ... they have the right to be stupid.

In my view a more appropriate response for your wife would be to let you know how she feels about it (she has), write her own letter to the judge if she feels that strongly about it (she hasn't - I assume), and _let it go_ (she hasn't).

Life is a giant struggle when we make it our job to try to make everyone do what I think is right. That's like saying you'll do it this way "_because I said so_" - which in a marriage doesn't work so well - although it still works marvelously on toddlers.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What would have happened if you didn't write the letter? Would your family have disowned you?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are free and have the right to defend whomever you want.

She is wrong for throwing such a hissy fit over it.

I'm sure she's on her moral high horse but she's clearly overreacting.

I see Kathy's point in that you didn't tell the truth but like anchorwatch pointed out the judge is going to know you're biased so in the end it won't matter.

Bottom line unless your wife behaves like this all the time I think you chose poorly. Wife's requests generally trumps family. I'm also not a big fan of getting involved in other people's problems that they caused.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm curious what would have happened if your wife wrote a letter on your SIL's behalf that only talked about the bad things she observed your brother to do...


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm curious what would have happened if your wife wrote a letter on your SIL's behalf that only talked about the bad things she observed your brother to do...


Unless his brother is married to HER sister this is not equivalent. This woman is not anyone's blood. His brother is.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I would hope that he would tell his wife that writing a letter on behalf of a woman she is not related to by blood(SIL) that would hurt someone that he is related to by blood (His Bro) would be quiet a betrayal to the family she chose to marry into.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

No one should have to put up with domestic abuse, ask your wife if she would be so quick to judge you if you where writing a letter to help a women who was being repeatedly hit by her husband?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Women need to feel Cherished, and feel like they are the #1 special person in your life. When you disregarded her strong feelings in this matter you made HER feel disregarded. And you DID choose your brothers need over your wife's feelings. In her mind, you placed your brother above her.

You weren't "wrong" to want to try and help a family member either, btw. Your feelings matter too. I feel like talking this issue out with her and listening to each other's feelings on the matter could help fix this


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

As Vrs and Wiltshireman pointed out, if what you've stated above is the whole truth i.e. that your SIL has been physically and emotionally abusing your brother (while he's been possibly verbally abusing her), I can see why you would want to side with your brother on this one. If the tables had turned and it was a woman's sister being physically abused -with the woman's husband demanding she NOT write a letter to the judge the answers would be unanimous. 

You've sent a letter 'omitting' certain facts rather than 'committing a lie'. Now in the world of ethics this is wrong. However, law is always murky waters and if I'm not wrong the defence generally doesn't confess everything....otherwise there would be no defence left, right? 

Your aim is to get your SIL to leave with pre-agreed alimony (if I've understood right) and if you feel what you've done is morally right then go ahead. This is a debate that can go on forever. This is a marriage forum so most answers here would be pro-wife/pro-husband... the same question asked in a sibling forum would provide different answers. However, personally I think your wife is acting over the top. If she feels so strongly about it, she should write her own letter. Does she share a strong history with your brother/SIL good or bad that's making her react this way...or does she tend to overreact for other issues too?

I'd hate having to be in a position where I'd have to choose between a life-partner and a sibling...Hope you both are able to work things out peacefully...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your brother's lawyer tell him to get letters like the one you wrote? I'd be surprised if a judge took such a letter.

I agree with Vrs, Wiltshireman and Zing. Your wife has the right to voice her opinion and you have the right to do what you think is right.

One thing that I wonder about is if your wife is watching you and your family ganging up against your SIL. While the SIL is wrong and maybe the worse of the two, your bother contributed to the problems. That's not unusual in abuse cases. 

Maybe your wife is concerned that some day she might be the non-blood related spouse who your family decides to gang up against. This might be why she now does not want to visit your family.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jfv said:


> I would hope that he would tell his wife that writing a letter on behalf of a woman she is not related to by blood(SIL) that would hurt someone that he is related to by blood (His Bro) would be quiet a betrayal to the family she chose to marry into.


If I was his wife, I'd counter that doing that for a family member to cause harm to someone unnecessarily is just plain wrong, too. That's a betrayal of good morals. As Elegirl said, the OP showed what his wife would be treated like if they ever got into something themselves.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe your wife is concerned that some day she might be the non-blood related spouse who your family decides to gang up against. This might be why she now does not want to visit your family.


Is this the first time something like this has happened, or are there other times when family has rallied against an in-law? 

Also, is it common for you to go against your wife's suggestion?


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

No, blood is thicker than water. You have to be an alpha and continue to stick with your decision or she will lose respect for you. 

Don't even let her try to take the moral high ground. Why is any of this her business in the first place? It's between you and your brother.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> If I was his wife, I'd counter that doing that for a family member to cause harm to someone unnecessarily is just plain wrong, too. That's a betrayal of good morals. As Elegirl said, the OP showed what his wife would be treated like if they ever got into something themselves.


I think "harm" is a little harsh here. The letter is meant to diffuse a situation that is clearly bad (assuming OP is giving us all the facts). The brother is paying support for her to live elsewhere and by having a judge rule in his favor, an end can be brought to this bad situation.

And don't think for one minute the sister-in-law isn't getting her own letters in there, too.

Wife should be made to realize that this is a bad situation and the resolution is not a bad one and anything her husband can do for his brother to bring a solution to the problem should be done.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You did nothing wrong. You were asked to help your brother and is most naturally that you wanted to. Even if your brother was wrong- which doesn't appear to me, as it is his house- it would still be normal for you to want to help him. It is not your wife's place to tell you not to do so. This is your choice, your family. You are her husband not her property. You don't have to ask her permission for your every action. The only thing she id entitled to in this matter is express her opinion- that's all. And if she sympathises so much with your sis in law, i'd say be wary of what she would do to you in case of a divorce. Tell her you love her, but you will not alloe her to rule over you or how you should handle your family business. It bugs me when people think they own their significant others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

I think it was the right thing to assist your brother. I don't know if will bear any weight with the Judge . When A family member needs our help we should be there to support however we can. I hope your wife gets over her hurt feelings and moves on.


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## FlashGordon (Feb 6, 2013)

Now this is gone completely haywire.. Now she says she is filing for separation and divorce because I did something she felt so strongly about. Out of control and she can't trust me anymore. She feels our vowels have been compromised by me doing something she felt was morally wrong. She's been going around saying blood is thicker than water. That my family is hanging up on her. Omg, What has gone wrong with this world and people? I know I can't possibly be that at fault to deserve this. I simply told her if something g this small is warranting this kind of behavior is best to go through with it. Lord what if something BIG ever affected us, what would happen. Married 7 years, 2 kids... All because I defended a family member in a divorce where there was abuse. My god.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You did nothing wrong. Sounds like your wife was looking for an excuse to exit the marriage and she found one.
Blood Is thicker than water. Just because you didn't view eye to eye on your brother's divorce matter doesn't mean you put her on the second place. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to do what your wife says. You are still your own person and can make your own decisions, especially when it comes to your relatives and when it doesn't affect HER. I hope she comes into senses, and if she doesn't, you deserve better. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why is it clear there's a lot more going on between you and your wife than whether to send a letter or not?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

FlashGordon said:


> Now this is gone completely haywire.. Now she says she is filing for separation and divorce because I did something she felt so strongly about. Out of control and she can't trust me anymore. She feels our vowels have been compromised by me doing something she felt was morally wrong. She's been going around saying blood is thicker than water. That my family is hanging up on her. Omg, What has gone wrong with this world and people? I know I can't possibly be that at fault to deserve this. I simply told her if something g this small is warranting this kind of behavior is best to go through with it. Lord what if something BIG ever affected us, what would happen. Married 7 years, 2 kids... All because I defended a family member in a divorce where there was abuse. My god.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Something this small? 

Sounds to me like you belittled her views in this entire process.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

One of the more "stranger" reasons I've heard for busting up a marriage with two children.

Sounds like it's her way or the highway.

Sorry OP.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

If what you've stated here is precisely the true picture (even from her side) then your wife needs a dose of reality...
There are people here who have fought/are fighting tooth and nail to save a marriage...just because they want to stay together through thick and thin...
Well....there are definitely worse situations in this world warranting the pack-one's-bags-and-leave scenario!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Something this small?
> 
> Sounds to me like you belittled her views in this entire process.


So you think her response is justified?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

jfv said:


> So you think her response is justified?


It might be. If this was the first time this had really happened, then no. But if he routinely ignores he opinion on big decisions and does what he wants, this may be the straw that broke her. Difficult to tell when the OP is not answering questions.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jfv said:


> So you think her response is justified?


I can't answer that, but some things I see do support it. 

It sounds like she voiced her objections to him writing the letter and he ignored her. 

It sounds as if he is willing to let harm come to another woman because she "just" married into the family (even though both the woman and his brother treated each other badly.) Remember... the OP's wife also "just" married into his family.

It sounds like he is belitting her for feeling angry over his actions. 

Honestly, if my husband did what this guy did, I'd lose a TON of respect for him. If he coupled that with ignoring me and belittling my reactions, I would get angrier. If this was his typical way of doing things, then yes, this could push me into divorce territory.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

FlashGordon said:


> Now this is gone completely haywire.. Now she says she is filing for separation and divorce because I did something she felt so strongly about. Out of control and she can't trust me anymore. She feels our vowels have been compromised by me doing something she felt was morally wrong. She's been going around saying blood is thicker than water. That my family is hanging up on her. Omg, What has gone wrong with this world and people? I know I can't possibly be that at fault to deserve this. I simply told her if something g this small is warranting this kind of behavior is best to go through with it. Lord what if something BIG ever affected us, what would happen. Married 7 years, 2 kids... All because I defended a family member in a divorce where there was abuse. My god.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe there's more going on in your marriage than this letter situation. Her reaction is extreme, but I have to say this is where the whole it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission didn't work out. I bet if you knew your letter would end your marriage, maybe you wouldn't have done it?

In her eyes you chose your brother over her. She is to come above all. You can't change her mind, nor can you undo it at this point from the sounds of it. I'm sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can't answer that, but some things I see do support it.
> 
> It sounds like she voiced her objections to him writing the letter and he ignored her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I don't think that her objection I only about him writing a letter in support of his brother. He could have written a more balanced letter that was still in support of the brother. The point of the letter should be that neither is perfect, there have been issues with inappropriate use of violence and verbal abuse. The two need to be separated for their own safety. The house belongs to the brother who is willing to help her move out.

It's very likely that while her response might seem over that top, this is just the last straw.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Without more details, its really difficult to guess what might be going on here under the surface. 

But - I think the difficulty is that you showed to your wife that you are willing to border moral zones for your family. Obviously different posters feel differently about this, but - when you are involved with the court, you are indeed asked to tell "the truth, the whole truth so help you God." And picking and choosing what you say to make your brother look better and your SIL (you refer to her as "this woman" were they married?) look worse really isn't telling "the whole truth." It is telling a selective version of the truth. Now - no doubt any judge or lawyer for her side worth anything is going to read through that and dismiss most of it. 

But - if you got called to testify, had to swear into court, and were grilled by her lawyer or the judge about what you wrote - you might have some trouble when its obvious you weren't exactly truthful. Once you involved yourself, you opened yourself up to potentially be called as a witness. What would you have said on the stand, "but he's my brother?"

As for her reaction, I'd imagine this likely scares her. That this is how you and your family will react if you two ever have problems. Further that you aren't above bending the truth to suit your needs - this is likely doubly scary. To solve this - you might need to consider counseling, as this whole situation has no doubt created some serious trust issues.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Did I miss something?

I am wondering if his wife was friends with the SIL and basically thought she was more in the right...or something. Maybe she sees similar traits in you and your brother. 

There is more to this than simply she is mad because you wrote a letter supporting your brother in a divorce case and then it snowballed. What else is going on here? I feel like I am really only seeing 1/2 the story.

I have my own stories related to sibling issues threatening to interfere with our marriage. Its tricky business - but at least once the answerhas been 'No.' Your wife needs to feel - should _instinctually_ feel, like you are on her side - and this is where you loose me. If you are undermining her belief that you are on her side - you are doing it wrong.. marriage that is. Abuse is not something to snicker about - so why is she against this demonstration of support?

You are not filling in the gaps about why your wife feels betrayed - or you simply cant see it. Neither is good. Vows compromised? Can you guess why? Is she simply being totally irrational?

*Omg, What has gone wrong with this world and people? I know I can't possibly be that at fault to deserve this."*

Sorry - Im not completely buying the 'all you did was defend your brother' line. Why, exactly, did she ask you not to send the letter - and why did you summarily ignore her - or did you?

I also disagree - according to what was written...that he (OP) was not 'truthful'. Writting a letter that (for example) he is a punctual and devoted husband without volunteering that he is (perhaps) verbally profane and a financial moron - just for arguments sake. A letter of support is hardly a deposition and any judge would take it for exactly that and no more. Like a reference from your mother. If his opinion was really to carry weight - he would have to go testify and be subject to cross examination - otherwise it is simply more he said / she said.

him: 'Look! I have a character reference from my brother!'

judge: 'How Nice. But are you a d!ck and did you do these other things that you are accused of?'

All of which is besides the point of the trust issues in your marriage.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It's very likely that while her response might seem over that top, this is just the last straw.


I agree. This relationship has more history than the OP has articulated thus far. Just guessing.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I wouldn't be in a rush to be so fair and balanced in my letter either. This woman has a history of smacking his brother around.
You did the right thing. Blood is thicker than water.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

jameskimp said:


> No, blood is thicker than water. You have to be an alpha and continue to stick with your decision or she will lose respect for you.
> 
> Don't even let her try to take the moral high ground. Why is any of this her business in the first place? It's between you and your brother.


Hilarious! :lol:

Oh, wait. You were serious? :rofl:


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

richie33 said:


> I wouldn't be in a rush to be so fair and balanced in my letter either. This woman has a history of smacking his brother around.
> You did the right thing.


I agree with this. Screw balance.

You want "balance"? Then let the other side obtain contradicting letters or, even better, depose or cross-examine the OP. That's the way the system is supposed to work. As it is, the judge will likely give short shrift to the letter anyways.

HUGE over-reaction, and as others have mentioned, there's obviously part of the picture we aren't seeing.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Blood is not thicker than water when it comes to a spouse actually.Legally your spouse is considered your immediate and 1st next of kin.

But otherwise I agree with what many are suggesting something is missing out of this story.But right off the bat I would be very upset if my husband considered his sibling or even parent relationship "thicker" than mine and his.And I have a big close nit extended family myself.Its odd this "thicker " than water thing is being promoted when all over this board we hear a lot that even children (your shared blood relations) should never come before a spouse.(or at least not as the permanent rule at all times obviously there are times they have to be )So how now is it a brother takes priority over a wife?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Its odd that domestic violence in being glossed over in peoples responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Why is it odd? It sounds like that's not part of the OP's problem with his wife...or did I miss something?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't think the issue is domestic violence, hence not being discussed in the responses. It would be off the topic.

The problem is presented is the OP not understanding his wife's anger over writing a letter on behalf of his brother.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't think the domestic violence issue is the point of the thread.In fact I think the OP said she had even been arrested for it.If it was documented and he filed for divorce (which I think he had) he could have obtained a restraining order .

I think the point though is about the OP minimizing /dismissing his wife's objections to writing a letter only containing one "side".But I think worse is this whole conclusion that "blood is thicker than water" has me thinking she is basically thinking that he and his family possibly view their relationships as "above" or a closer bond than his and her marriage relationship.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Actually your wife is correct blood is about 92% water by volume, whereas water is ... well, 100% water. I can see where she may side with the SIL for whatever reason. I can also see where she may feel like she is not part of the family, as she may perceive that the family may turn on her at some time as well. Has there been issues with your wife and the family? None of that would lead a normal prudent person to conclude that divorce is the answer, there is more to this issue than meets the eye.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She can be angry all she wants. That's his brother and he asked to write a letter on his behalf to a judge. What was supposed to tell his
brother " I will see if its OK with my wife"
His wife is out of line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

richie33 said:


> She can be angry all she wants. That's his brother and he asked to write a letter on his behalf to a judge. What was supposed to tell his
> brother " I will see if its OK with my wife"
> His wife is out of line.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't agree with this stance in my marriage, but I also don't have a husband that puts anyone above me. If he brought it to my attention then he's subject to my opinion on it. He can go along with my opinion or he can choose not to, but with the understanding that I wouldn't be happy about it.

What I certainly don't agree with in the OP's situation is her wanting to divorce him over this, but as it's been mentioned before this may be the straw that broke the camels back. The OP maybe has put extended family and more above his wife in the past over and over, and she's had it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I wouldn't agree with this stance in my marriage, but I also don't have a husband that puts anyone above me. If he brought it to my attention then he's subject to my opinion on it. He can go along with my opinion or he can choose not to, but with the understanding that I wouldn't be happy about it.
> 
> What I certainly don't agree with in the OP's situation is her wanting to divorce him over this, but as it's been mentioned before this may be the straw that broke the camels back. The OP maybe has put extended family and more above his wife in the past over and over, and she's had it.


Exactly its been mentioned several times its "none of her business".Well if that's really true in this case how did she even find out about it?Not that he should have taken measures to hide it..but why not just write the letter and give it to his brother if its really none of her business or her opinion was of no consideration to him ?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

richie33 said:


> She can be angry all she wants. That's his brother and he asked to write a letter on his behalf to a judge. What was supposed to tell his
> brother " I will see if its OK with my wife"
> His wife is out of line.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he can man up and tell his brother, "I will be happy to write a letter that is fair and objective, but it will bring out good and negative information about both of you."


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Its odd that domestic violence in being glossed over in peoples responses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A man being subjected to domestic abuse doesn't seem to resonate quite as much as a man penning a letter his wife doesn't approve of.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

GTdad said:


> A man being subjected to domestic abuse doesn't seem to resonate quite as much as a man penning a letter his wife doesn't approve of.


But the topic isn't a man being subjected to domestic abuse.And its not simply about a man penning a letter that his wife didn't approve of.It was about him not being honest in the letter.Then him holding his relationship with his brother in higher regard than his wife..It has nothing to do with specifically a man being subjected to domestic abuse.As to that anyway ..if he were my brother I would have advised him to get restraining order.I know here in Texas you can aquire one if you have documented abuse (which he has) and you file for divorce (which he has) that would have gotten her out of the house.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> But the topic isn't a man being subjected to domestic abuse.And its not simply about a man penning a letter that his wife didn't approve of.It was about him not being honest in the letter.Then him holding his relationship with his brother in higher regard than his wife..It has nothing to do with specifically a man being subjected to domestic abuse.As to that anyway ..if he were my brother I would have advised him to get restraining order.I know here in Texas you can aquire one if you have documented abuse (which he has) and you file for divorce (which he has) that would have gotten her out of the house.


I see no evidence that the OP lied in the letter, though I may have missed it, and I fail to see how the OP is holding his brother in higher regard than his wife. Unless in your book that's represented by writing the letter against his wife's wishes. His wife expressed her opinion, and the OP made a decision. 

I think some of you are being utterly unreasonable, and it makes me wonder what your take may be on the thread where the guy's wife wants him to be circumcised.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So if your sister is getting smacked around by her husband you can be fair and balanced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I see no evidence that the OP lied in the letter, though I may have missed it, and I fail to see how the OP is holding his brother in higher regard than his wife. Unless in your book that's represented by writing the letter against his wife's wishes. His wife expressed her opinion, and the OP made a decision.
> 
> I think some of you are being utterly unreasonable, and it makes me wonder what your take may be on the thread where the guy's wife wants him to be circumcised.


Let's clarify here... the OP said, "They are both wrong in many ways, he sends mixed signals to her, she is unbalanced and hits him, she has been arrested for hitting him, and calls him alot of names as I have heard... its pretty ugly. Now I know *my brother has said things to her* and *he has provoked this marriage as well* with his behavior." So she calls his brother names and his brother "says things" to her as well. The OP goes on to say, "i did not point his faults." 

Deception by omission is pretty strongly implied by the OP's words. 

His wife said his decision violated their marriage vows. This may be the part where they "cleave unto each other" and "forsake all others" for their marriage. Even if this is not what she meant, he reveals that he thinks that he not only doesn't need to carefully consider her opinion first, but that it's ok to denigrate it by calling it a "small" thing when it is anything BUT small to her.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Deception by omission is pretty strongly implied by the OP's words.


Maybe it's because I've been a lawyer for 22 years, but I can't get too worked up about this. That's what witnesses do. That's why we have such things as discovery, including depositions, and cross-examination.

Without knowing what else is going on, if the OP's wife considers the letter to be such a betrayal of their vows (and no, I'm not seeing that AT ALL) so as to justify a divorce, then she may well be doing the OP a favor.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

richie33 said:


> So if your sister is getting smacked around by her husband you can be fair and balanced?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want to get in a domestic abuse debate but right off the bat it wouldn't be "fair and balanced" for my BIL to smack my sister around he is way bigger and stronger than her.That's not "fair".Having said that had she been antagonizing him hovering over his bed at 3 am in the morning cursing him out screaming in his ear as loud as she could poking him with her finger and he told her to stop and she kept on then he smacked her I might want to consider that before demonizing him 100% and seeing her as the pitiful defenseless victim in that scenerio.Violence is never right.But I view an otherwise non violent person who steps out of character and resorts to that after extreme provocation or in unusually high stress situations different than someone with a violent streak easily provoked and with an ongoing pattern of violence.

Lets put it this way ..I tend to have more sympathy and "empathy" for the man(father) that lost his mind went to the courthouse and shot and killed the man that raped and murdered his little that got off on a technicality than I do the man that was murdered who raped and killed the little girl.

Hope that clears it up..as far as KNOWING the circumstances.Not just part of it.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

OP states she "hits" him, sounds to me a ongoing thing not a one time thing.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

richie33 said:


> OP states she "hits" him, sounds to me a ongoing thing not a one time thing.


The point is we don't know the whole story.And again the OP's delima with his wife is NOT about DOMESTIC violence.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and the other point on that.I have said 3 times now.The brother it seems had an ARREST record on her.I'm assuming she had been convicted of domestic assault?..There would be no reason to write letters and OMIT anything to a judge in a divorce hearing..When you file for a divorce if you have documented evidence of domestic abuse you can file a RESTRAINING order.


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