# Depression/PTSD in both of us affecting marriage



## lawdog1980 (Oct 23, 2011)

Ok I am a new to this and in my current situation and location this seems to be my only outlet for advice and guidance. I apologize for the length.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now (together for 6). We started dating while we were both going through divorces with our exes. She also had a 5 year old daughter(who is 11 now) when we met. Once our divorces were final, (a year later for mine) we got married. 

One important note that I have yet to mention, I am an active duty Marine(this comes into play for our marriage).

A month after we got married I was deployed to Iraq. While I was deployed she went to live with her Mother. During this time was when she gave birth to our son. I was able to come home for the birth, but had to leave a few days after. Our first deployment went well together, however when I came home I was a different person. I realize this now, but did not at the time.

Following my return I became more irritable and less patient about the most minute things. I became over critical about my Wife, my daughter and several other things. Well all of this obviously caused problems in our marriage. My Wife started to go down the route of depression. She was able to get a job and that seemed to help her as far as having an outlet of friends to talk to.

Well 5 months later I was deployed again. Things began to turn even more. I still hadn't face my problems and I was more distant during this deployment. I felt that I could deal with my own issues on my own. Meanwhile back at home my Wife was having a great difficulty balancing taking care of 2 kids and working at the same time with no outside help. Me being distant did not help matters.

After 7 months I returned yet again. Things were ok for the first month or so after i returned but things started to go south again. I still had not faced my issues. To top it all off my Wife was forced to quit her job due to a knee injury and have surgery. We had started marriage counseling and it seemed like it was starting to work a little, but next thing you know it I am deployed again. 5 months had passed from my previous deployment.

During this deployment since my Wife could not work and she was still recovering from surgery she began playing an online rolle playing game. This game slowly started to consume all of her time. This deployment was short and I was only gone for 3 months. 

I returned right before Christmas. We spent Christmas with her family in Texas. We were living in California. Well my Wife began to start having pain in her knee again and was required to have surgery again(less than a year later). I did my best to take care of her and things seemed to be going ok between us.

Due to her limited mobility she began to start putting on extra weight and she thought that I was unattracted to her. This was not the case and I tried my best to let her know. She thought this because I seemed less interested in sex and she had caught me on an internet porn website. She started to get more involved in online gaming. She also started to do research on getting a gastric bypass to lose weight. I did not agree with this.

I was also started to get more depressed about my life. I was unhappy at work and I had been passed over for promotion. 

I had recieved orders to move from California to North Carolina that summer. During the move we spent the summer in Texas with her family. During that time we were looking for a place to stay once we got to North Carolina. We had 2 dogs and because of that alot of places would not rent to us and the wait for base housing was a 9 month wait. So much to her disapproval we bought a house.

Due to myself being depressed I began to put weight on and was subsequently put on weight control when I checked into my unit in North Carolina. This also caused me another pass for promotion. 

6 months after I we moved to North Carolina my Wife got her gastric bypass. I tried to be as supportive as I could but since a part of me did not want her to get this surgery, I was distant about it. After the surgery she had a several problems eating and keeping food down. She began to get more depressed and more immersed into her world of online gaming. 

We had decided to send the kids to live with her mother for awhile so we could work on our issues. The kids left for Texas with her mom. This was too much for my Wife, so a month after they left...she left. I was heart broken and lost after that. I moped around the house for about 2 weeks. I couldnt go in the bedrooms at all. I slept on the couch and used the second bathroom for those 2 weeks. 

I started individual counseling for depression and ptsd. I also started to go to church regularly. This was all new to me. I started to feel happier.

Meanwhile in Texas, my wife was doing the same and she had gotten a job. After a 4 month separation I went to get them and bring them home.

Well during our separation I had assumed different duties in my work, which required me to work late and sometimes on weekends. My wife was finally able to get a job after months of looking, but she only had it for 2 weeks because she took a nasty spill and hurt her knee again. This was rough for her.

Things mostly went well after their return until we went Oklahoma to attend her Dad's wedding.

I was sleeping in the hotel we were staying in the day after we got there. Well everyone decided it was time for me to get up. They told my daughter to wake me up, well she proceeded to jump on me to get me up and reflexivly I swung my arm and accidently slapped her. Both her sisters and my wife saw this happen. I was stunned I didnt know what I had done, she ran to them crying and I just sat there. I was in a stage of shock. I never spank her let alone slap her. Needless to say the rest of the time at the wedding was not well.

After we returned from the wedding I found out I was deploying again, but this time for a full year. We started to bicker about little things left and right and I really made her upset when I said we couldnt go home for Christmas because I was deploying again. This hit her hard. This was her first Christmas away from her family. Well I deployed right after New Years. 

Most of the deployment went well as far as I had known. I came home for R&R in August, 8 months into the deployment. Well my wife had gone into a state of depression and let the house go and just focused on her online gaming. Even my daughter told me this. Needless to say I said a few choice words about the state of the house and what the kids were saying. Well it hurt her, but she took action. She enrolled in school to be an RN and she started taking charge of things. 

About a month after I came back I got passed for promotion again and was told I was going to have to get out of the military. I took this hard, I didnt know what I was going to do to support my family and make a living. My wife took this hard too. 

Right after that happened my daughter had an accident with some hot tea and burned her legs, then my wife came down with a nasty dysantary sickness. Well she was done, she called her Mom and told her to come get her. I was distraught, there was no warning I thought it was over, so I over reacted said alot of mean things. I felt helpless due to me being deployed.

Well that was a month ago. We have not spoken to each other at all accept email. She is trying to find a job and maybe go back to school. I have finally accepted that she needed to go home and stay home so she can get better and feel better about herself. I am going to start counseling when I return home in January. I know I still have not resolved all my issues but it hurts that I will be away from my family when I return.

I just hope it is not too late for us. She has called me emotionally abusive and not a nice person to be around. It has taken every ounce of will power not to call her and talk to her and tell her everything on my mind, but I am respecting her wishes right now. She does not want me to call. I am calling tomorrow to talk to my kids though, its my son's 5th birthday. I just hope she gets the help she needs and we can just come together in the middle. I don't want it to be over.

I am so sorry for rambling on but I had to get this out.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Thank you for serving our country. 

The good thing is that you and your wife are emailing. Keep the communication going and keep getting help. What happens when you come home will all depend on her willingness and from the sounds of it, her seeing that you are really working on your issues, as hopefully she's working on her own.


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## lawdog1980 (Oct 23, 2011)

Well I called her yesterday to talk to the kids. I was able to talk to my son which was great. I was not able to talk to my daughter because my wife told me she was busy cleaning her room. I asked her to get her and she told me not right now. his kind of peeved me as I am calling from Afghanistan, but I didnt show any anger. I was able to talk to my wife a little but she did not want to discuss anything.

As far as settling down, I do hope that me getting out will help things. I know that we have been living unstable. My wife obviously needs stability in her life and was not expecting this when we got married.

I will be seeing a counselor for my problems, but I am not sure if she will. Her mother is not fostering a very helpfull environment in my opinion. They are shifting the blame fully on me rather than focusing on her issues as well.

We do communicate via email but they are getting more far and in between now. She only emails me when she needs something from me, and if I email her the responses are very short and emotionless.


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## lawdog1980 (Oct 23, 2011)

Well She had a job interview yesterday, I hope she gets this job and is able to establish some stability for herself.

She also has expressed interest on when I return from Afghanistan. I am not sure how to take this but she could have cared less before.

I am not getting my hopes up but it would be nice if she was there when I return, even if she goes back home shortly after I return.


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