# Still can't get past this



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I haven't posted in awhile thinking that maybe if I stayed away from the boards it might help me heal...no such luck.

We've been separated 13 months. Honestly, I thought I'd be served papers at month 12 because he's so adamant about wanting a divorce. I have yet to see anything. We haven't put together a separation agreement, nor have we talked, at length anyway, about how we're going to split things up.

I'm pretty positive he's got something going on with another woman in another state although he denies it. It obviously wouldn't be a PA because he's always here, but I think they've met up a time or two...again, he denies it. It could be my insanely paranoid mind at work too. Who knows. He's gone this weekend says he's on business in the south (she lives up north). One minute I believe him, the next I don't. I know it shouldn't even matter, but it drives me crazy, the wondering.

I've had good days, weeks and the occasional month here and there, but lately I've been a mess. I spend alot of time on my closet floor crying and praying. Praying that God will give me the strength to let him go and stop loving him. Crying because the pain is still so prevelant. I just don't know how I am supposed to let go. I try to stop the thoughts of him when they enter my mind and sometimes I'm successful, other times they take over. Lately the guilt has taken over; guilt over how I made his life "hell" for so many years. I'll be the first to admit I was not easy to live with, but I didn't realize it was "hell" for him. That's a heavy burden to carry.

I'm just so lost still. You'd think after being separated for over a year that I would have moved on some.

Anyone else still grieving after being apart for so long?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Do you still live together(sounds like it)?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

No, he moved out last summer, but we live just a few houses away from each other so I see him (almost) daily.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Hugs....I think living so close and seeing each other almost daily would make it hard for anyone to move on especially when you still have feelings and wishes for a reconciliation. Limbo is an awful place to be.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I feel the exact same way you do. It's only been a few weeks for me but I don't know how I'm supposed to let go. I also try not to think of him but there's always something that reminds me of him, including our children together. One minute he's acting like he wants to come back and the next he's cold as ice again talking about filing. It's so confusing and crushing. I also pray for strength all the time and just sob like a baby when I'm here alone, try to get it all out while the kids are away. I have trouble working some days and desperately need the money. I've tried doing things to move forward and that helps for the time being, like changing things in the house, etc., but never lasts for very long. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier. If I had a dime for every person that said that! I know they mean well but I can't see how it will ever get easier. Yes, that's exactly how I feel, in limbo and out of control of my own life. I know, I know, I need to take control of my life and I'm trying and doing things to that end but it's such a struggle.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Still,

It is a struggle, every single day. Being a bit further along in the process than you, I can honestly say that yes, it does get better (put another dime in your coin cup!). I look back at where I was just a year ago and I've come a very long way, but sadly I think I've got a way to go still. I, like you, still have bawling spells where I sit on my closet floor and just let the flood gates open. I pray like crazy and just ask God to give me peace, to show me how I am to let go. Time is the only thing that I believe gets us all through this. I just wish he'd file already so we can move this process along.

Hang in there. Better days are on their way.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I must say that I think I turned a bit of a corner yesterday. Another corner, that is. I sat down and wrote out what I wanted out of the dissolution. Then I wrote him a letter stating that I was letting go and I would not be his "maybe" or backup plan and gave him the boundaries I want in place going forward as far as contact. I drove it to his house and left it there. I then thought I'd extend one last olive branch, sort of say if you read this and it's not what you want, let me know. I knew where he probably was and drove by there. I spoke to him and he was partying with a bunch of 20-somethings. He was hostile toward me and at that moment, I knew I didn't want to extend that last olive branch. I knew the letter was the right thing to do FOR ME, even though it hurt like hell. Instead, I just told him where I'd left the letter so his roommate wouldn't get it and drove off. I've cried off and on since doing that, but I really do feel better. I feel better about myself because I set these rules, not him. I feel better that I've taken a step in detaching from him, even though I know it will be so hard. 

But mostly? I feel better for having seen him there partying with those young kids. It made me realize this is not the man I want. I miss the idea of the marriage, I miss being a family and I miss the hopes and dreams I had for that family, but really, he wasn't truly present anyway, even when he was here. That's something I had to admit to myself. He checked out a long time ago. He quite simply cannot be the family man that I have so wanted him to be. He is too immature, wanting to relive those glory days and desperately seeking validation for his small ego. It still hurts, I'm still crushed and I know there are even worse days yet to come as I file and dissolve our marriage, but at least for today, I finally feel like it's the right course for me and he very likely did me a huge favor. I would've lived each day putting my own happiness on the back burner for him for years had he not done this. He just wants to party like a bachelor and seeing that actually sickened me. I'm sorry if it offends anyone here, but seeing a 40-something out partying all the time just seems pathetic to me. Looks like a miserable person trying to fill a huge void in their life by trying to look young again. I'm so glad I drove by there and saw that because now when I start to feel sad, I just remember that and it helps.

Maybe one day I'll even be able to thank him for putting me through this hell on earth. There is something better out there for me.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

god is trying to help but you need to walk so he can carry you...

god will perserve what you have and carry what you lack...

I know its not easy, I know that pain all too well, you need to get out there, volunteer, go to see friends and family, partake in a hobby, read self help books, use this forum it have a plethora of info and the majority of ppl on here have turned things around from exactly where you are..

take each day at a time and remember the minute you start trying to do something, you will feel better as each day passes but there will be days when its too much to bear however you will put that down to your mind playing tricks after a while..

just get up and go...


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