# Trying to get my husband to see...



## lost11174 (Jan 15, 2013)

I wrote my husband this letter. I am torn between trying to keep going and leaving. I just feel like I need to get out how I feel and to make hime understand.

Will giving him this help or hurt?

Dear ....,

I am disappointed…I am disappointed in our life together. I’m disappointed in our friendship AND our marriage. This is not the life I thought I would have when I married you. I realize you are not solely at fault. I know I have played a big part in getting us to where we are now but never the less…I am disappointed. I often feel lonely, sad, angry, frustrated and without hope when I think about what we have become. Our loveless, sexless marriage has affected all aspects of my life and I don’t know how much longer I can live this lie. The lack of money, the enormous stress, the constant fighting has worn me down that I feel I am a shell of my former self. I miss who I used to be. And for that matter, I miss who YOU used to be. You have become an angry, unhappy, drug addicted alcoholic who sits on the couch and lets life pass him by. I don’t know why you have let this happen to yourself…why you lost all your fight. You gave up on us a long time ago and I continued to try to fight for us by myself. You say you will try but it lasts for one day and then you sink back into your pit and give up again.

Lately, I also have ceased to try. I also have given up on us. I feel that we will never make it and that every day I am living a lie. I try very hard most days, putting on a smile and happy face as much as I can for our girls, but the bitterness, anger and disappointment so often take over that I fear I can no longer continue to do that. I worry about what will happen to us, to me and the girls. I fear I am stuck here indefinitely as I have not pursued a career for myself therefor cannot support me and the kids and am reliant on you to help us.

I still love you, I do…in spite of everything, I love the thought of who we used to be and I can’t seem to give up on the hope that we will someday get back there but that picture of us 8 years ago when we got married is fading from my memory and from my heart. I want our life and our marriage but I want a version of it that doesn’t exist. I want a version where we love each other without the constant conflict, without the constant struggle and without the feelings of inadequacy that have taken me over. I want a marriage where I feel like I am with my best friend and not an enemy. I want a marriage where I am given love and affection freely and want to give it back in return. I fear we are too lost and too far away from that to ever go back.


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

You are being honest. I believe it will both help AND hurt.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

That letter made me cry. I feel like I could print it off and hand it to my husband with very few changes. 
I've been holding out hope, but feel so frustrated, angry, and depressed. 
I just wanted to say, Thank You for sharing this letter...
Please let us know how this turns out. I wish you the best.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dear Lost,
I could have written this letter as well...20 years ago. You still feel love for him so there is still hope. I would suggest you reword this letter. Start with the fact that you love him and miss the guy you feel in love with. Then make sure you tell him how grateful you are that he does support you and the kids. <- That is important because men think they show their love when they go to their job every day and come home every night. They don't always want to go to work but they do because they know they made a commitment and they are seeing it through.

Then tell him you feel sad, depressed... and tell him you feel lost and alone and that your relationship has become distant and you NEED him. Tell him about what it's like to always all day every day, put the kids needs above your own and how that is chipping away at your sense of self. You would love to have a day where he does nothing but take care of you, and then you do the same for him another day. That actually sounds fun!

Next, give him specific needs you have that you want him to fulfill. You need affection, you need him to pay attention and show admiration. You need to feel that he still desires you. Give him specific examples of how often you want him to be affectionate, how often you want to hear him admire you. Tell him how often you need to have alone time with him. After that is complete, tell him you need to know how you can make him happier too.

This ia negotiation and it is serious. Men, our husband's at least, seem to think women complain too much and they don't take these kinds of things seriously. At the very end, tell him you feel the love slipping away and you are afraid that if the relationship doesn't get better, you're not sure how much longer it will last. He needs to know this is serious. 

Money will always be an issue, always. It doesn't matter how much you have or don't have, it will always be a source of worry, especially for him.

I stayed, took his little grains of effort and allowed those grains along with my fear of being alone and a single Mom and I stayed. Been married for 28 years and there is no love for him at all and now I'm really trapped. But back to you, sorry dear.

Put effort into spicing things up. Wear pretty flashy clothing at home. The best time to have these kinds of conversations is in the morning. Then you both can think on it all day and regroup when the kids get to bed.

Lastly, get a job. I know that sounds easier than it is, but he holds the power when he holds the checking account. Once you are earning your own money, and contributing to the household expenses you will be free to make a decision that's best for you.

I wish I had gone back to school and finished my degree. He discouraged me and now I have to lie to employers and I hate that! 3 years of college means nothing with out that degree.


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