# Frustrated with my husband's lack of concern about money!



## spottedzebra (May 12, 2011)

I have been married for 10 years. When we first got married, my husband was gainfully employed. Then he received a seemingly-lucrative offer to join a start-up, which folded not long after. He then founded another start-up, which did quite well until he decided that he'd had enough of his investors' attitude and quit. He had no other job to go to, so he started doing freelance work which eventually turned into a full time business, Business A.

Unfortunately, my husband has neither the will nor capability to run a business as it should be. While there is still work, it is hard-won, and profit margins are low compared to the amount of work put in for each contract. He has not given himself a raise since the business began, about five years ago. And recently, he started Business B, which eats into the time he has for Business A.

I am eight years younger than my husband and work full time, but my salary will take a while for me to be able to take on a more significant share of the weight of our household expenses. 

Our financial problems stem from the fact that we have about $60,000 in credit and renovation loans, in addition to a mortgage (which we don't worry about because it comes out of a social security account) and a car loan. For years, I have been asking my husband to give himself a raise so that we can cope with the rising cost of living and save for retirement. It has not happened, and I am so sick of having to worry about our lack of savings. We have all of $1,500 in cash for a rainy day, when we need 100 times that amount to make the six months of pay that financial experts say we should have in the bank.

We also have two children and much of our money goes towards paying for their enrichment classes and insurance policies. 

I am tired of having had to worry about money all these years, and have told my husband that maybe we should split up if we cannot agree that saving for retirement is a priority that we can make happen only if he pays himself more. He said that I should leave him if I would be happier that way. My husband has never been a proactive man - it took a huge fight for him to run out and buy a cheap ring to propose to me with - and he doesn't seem to be worried about the situation at all. In fact, he only gives it thought when I raise the issue. 

Am I expecting too much? What can I do to make him see the light? Since we have kids, divorce is my last resort, but I really don't think I can take another 10 years of this. I wish I'd known his financial personality before I married him.

Thank you for reading.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does your husband's company make enough money to justify a raise? If he is self-employed, he can't pull out more money than he takes in. My stbx husband never could grasp that concept....and the business closed.


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## spottedzebra (May 12, 2011)

In my opinion, it does. But he seems to think that letting the money sit in the company's coffers is preferable to us saving for a rainy day. It would not be so bad if he owned the company wholly, but he has a business partner and they each have a 50 per cent share.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does the company make enough to give both partners a raise? Since each are 50/50, I assume they make the same--unless there was some other agreement in the beginning. Both partners should decide how much money to keep in reserve. Once that objective is reached, anything over that amount could be distributed (as a bonus).


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## spottedzebra (May 12, 2011)

My husband's salary is higher than his partner's, because he does the lion's share of the work. The partnership itself isn't ideal because they are not really working together as they should to move the business forward. It's a rather complicated situation and I can only stand on the sidelines and watch helplessly, since I have no say in how things are run.


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## tforty185 (May 4, 2009)

It kinda sounds like my husband...about not being proactive...it took him a long time to get me that cheap engagement ring...we are having financial problems too. We are about to move ( he is retiring from navy) and i am the financial person...it is so stressfull..but i dont work, he does and we have 2 kids. Let me know how your situation goes! All the best...Annie


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Actually, it is 3-6 months of expenses (not pay) that you need to try to save--so you could make all your payments (house, insurance being the most essential) and afford to live (food, elec, gas) on a reduced income while searching for work.

Have you met with a financial advisor (with H along) to discuss these things? That may be a better tactic than trying to convince him of anything on your own. You may find some relief in knowing how things would really shake out (what assets you really have, for example), or he may just get a much clearer picture of the financial situation he is creating for the future.

Still, it must really hurt for him to say it would be his choice to divorce rather than make some arrangement for increasing savings. Maybe you should show him a breakdown of the cost of divorce--talk to a lawyer--and point out he'd lose that cash in the company's coffers if you decided to leave. He might have to sell out his share in the business, right? So why on earth is he being so impenetrable?

(Of course, based on what I've seen here, it's probably some guy-related thing that goes back to you questioning him as a man. To which I say, he needs to get a firm d*ck. Any guy that cannot handle reasonable questions about his plans for retirement savings isn't much of a man in the first place.) 

But, if you are powerless to effect change within the marriage, then maybe you need to consider leaving. You will be more burdened, perhaps, financially, if you leave, but at least you will have control over things.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

How do you decide who pays for what? And is he buying anything expensive that is just for him? I would really track how the money is spent and how much comes in from each party. And decide how to split expenses. For my husband and I, joint expenses - food, housing, transportation etc are split 50/50 because we make close to the same amount of money. But other stuff that is only for one of us - clothes, video games, etc are paid for by that person. 
In your case, if you're making less money you should probably split joint stuff percentage-wise. But if you are spending combined money on "his" stuff, perhaps you could ask him to buy his own stuff. If he runs out of money, he may see the reason for a raise.

Also, if my husband had a business, I'd insist on seeing all the financial statements. If things aren't right there and he had lots of business debts or had to declare bankruptcy it would affect you too. Anything that affects you or the children should be fully disclosed, in my opinion.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Chelhxi said:


> Also, if my husband had a business, I'd insist on seeing all the financial statements. If things aren't right there and he had lots of business debts or had to declare bankruptcy it would affect you too. Anything that affects you or the children should be fully disclosed, in my opinion.


:iagree: Also, we don't know how your husband's business is organized.....straight partnership, corporation (sub S or LLC), or something else.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> Unfortunately, my husband has neither the will nor capability to run a business as it should be.


I think you have your answer here. Some people cannot run a business and are much better off working for someone under strict rules.


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

Interesting how it is different person to person. My friend (he) makes good amount of money and provides reasonably to family with nice house, cars, bills,. grocery everything. Then he also save for the future, for kids. His wife constantly accusing him for not spending enough, not giving her enough cloths, jeweley. She is constantly comapring with other wives and trying to bring up the argument how nice friend's husbands are in terms of providing and gifting. Despite the fact that the guy busting his butt, and planning the future and providing everything and only saving 20% of his take home paycheck out of 130K job still not enough. They are getting divorce.


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

She doesn't want to have conversation about future, money, or anything related to money. Anytime my friend brings it up she gets mad and makes statement " all you think is money"............

Now, he could be really careless, spend more than he earns and go in debt, I wonder how she would handle then?

Why spouses dont get along? Just compromise, just sacrifice a little. What difference it makes if jewelery is little cheap, if it is gap brand or old navy or ralph lauren.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some of the wealthiest men on earth failed at several businesses before hitting it big. The rewards are great for entepreneurs because the risks are great. Your post gives no indication that you have ever run a business, yet you characterize your husband as being incapable of doing so. Your post gives the impression that he has managed to provide the primary support for his family for nearly 10 years by running businesses. That sounds pretty good to me, especially in an economy in which 16% of working age males have no job at all. If 100 x 1500 equals 6 months of salary, that means you both collectively earn about $300K. That's about 600% more than the average American family lives on. You need more or you're tempted to divorce this guy? Sorry about your cheap ring.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I think the priority should be paying off that debt. When you reduce that debt you can reduce some of your worries. Technically, when you owe other people, you're not really in a position to save. Him being a business man, he should be at least understandable of keeping debt down and increasing reserves. Thats how a lot of business survive. Not just spend, spend, spend. 



Chelhxi said:


> How do you decide who pays for what? And is he buying anything expensive that is just for him? I would really track how the money is spent and how much comes in from each party. And decide how to split expenses. For my husband and I, joint expenses - food, housing, transportation etc are split 50/50 because we make close to the same amount of money. But other stuff that is only for one of us - clothes, video games, etc are paid for by that person.
> In your case, if you're making less money you should probably split joint stuff percentage-wise. But if you are spending combined money on "his" stuff, perhaps you could ask him to buy his own stuff. If he runs out of money, he may see the reason for a raise.
> 
> Also, if my husband had a business, I'd insist on seeing all the financial statements. If things aren't right there and he had lots of business debts or had to declare bankruptcy it would affect you too. Anything that affects you or the children should be fully disclosed, in my opinion.


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