# The key to a successful marriage is not being jealous



## MWC WesleyandKelly

Hello

Time and time again I see married couples having problems stemming from jealousy issues from either one spouse of both of them. 

My wife and I have been happily married for years and one of our keys or secret to a happy marriage is each of us having zero jealousy.

My wife is a natural flirt and has more male friends than females. Due to her having my spare time than I do, she often in my work related absence will do activities with a male friend such as biking, hiking, or dinner out.

This brings me to my second point marriage needs to be based on 100% honestly and trust which my wife and I have in one another.

I have absolutely no issues with my wife spending time with male friends without me

Please, your insights and thoughts on this matter thank you Wesley


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## Tasorundo

First, there isn't 1 key.

Second, Jealousy is never good, when it is unfounded in facts.

Last, people who play with fire have a much higher chance of being burned.


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## arbitrator

*My RSXW was much the same way, but our relationship deteriorated over time greatly to the point that a couple of those "flirts" of hers fastly became habitual "bangs," all without my knowledge!*


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## Mr.Married

One day your just gonna get to the point where you tell us you found your wife messing around. You tried to convince everyone before in your other thread
that your situation is just so perfectly...flirty.

YAWN.......


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## Yeswecan

Let see, natural flirt and hangs around with guy friends. Are you sure your W is not getting some kind of thrill out of that? Do you think your W would be honest about it when asked? 

BTW, there are several keys to a good marriage.


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## Tasorundo

So, why would you post this crap twice? I mean, you came in here talking about how awesome it is that your wife flirts with everyone and hangs out with dudes and you got a response. Why come back again, with a slightly different angle to shame people that might have jealousy issues?

To be honest, it seems more like you are trying to convince yourself how awesome your marriage is and how super cool it is that you are so trusting.

NO ONE CARES! If that is what you have and what you like, have fun with it. No one here is going to endorse that behavior within a committed relationship.


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

Hello, YesWeCan:

I fully agree there are numerous key to a successful marriage. Yes my wife might get some type of thrill out of it. Due to her open and transparent personality, I see no deception on her part and I fully trust her. She is willing to take about all subjects including this one with never a hint inappropriate intentions


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## Robbie1234

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello, YesWeCan:
> 
> I fully agree there are numerous key to a successful marriage. Yes my wife might get some type of thrill out of it. Due to her open and transparent personality, I see no deception on her part and I fully trust her. She is willing to take about all subjects including this one with never a hint inappropriate intentions


Your wife's flirting with other men is all very exciting for her. When she meets a guy in the gym who she is really attracted to do you really think she will hold back. 
There are a couple of guys on tam who would have had her eating out of their hands of she went to their gyms. 
You are playing with fire and don't know it.


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

Hello Robbie1234

I see your point of view but in all the years Kelly and I have been happily married she has never cheated once, nor do I see her becoming unfaithful someday


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## Married but Happy

As others have said, there are multiple requirements for a successful marriage, and those may vary somewhat for the couple in question. Lack of jealousy is usually one such, if it is combined with integrity and honesty. We each have more opposite sex friends than same-sex friends, without any problems with jealousy or trust. If any concerns do arise, we deal with them before they become an actual problem. This has worked for us for nearly 20 years, but one size does not fit all.


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

Hello, Married but Happily (interesting screen name)

As you stated, "We each have more opposite sex friends than same-sex friends, without any problems with jealousy or trust" You marriage reaffirms that a husband or a wife can spend time with an opposite sex friend without any issues.......Thank you


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## Yeswecan

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello, YesWeCan:
> 
> I fully agree there are numerous key to a successful marriage. Yes my wife might get some type of thrill out of it. Due to her open and transparent personality, I see no deception on her part and I fully trust her. She is willing to take about all subjects including this one with never a hint inappropriate intentions


It appears this maybe more of a thrill for you.


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## Yeswecan

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello Robbie1234
> 
> nor do I see her becoming unfaithful someday


Famous last words of many.....


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## wilson

I think this is a case where 100% trust and lack of jealousy might be key for *your* marriage but not key for successful marriages in general. Each couple has to figure out what works for them. If this arrangement works for you, that's great. But most marriages would not be successful with this kind of arrangement. Most people feel jealousy when their partner flirts with other people. It's not something they can just turn off. So I would not recommend this strategy for most married couples since it's likely to cause much more problems than it solves.


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

To YesWeCan:

"It appears this maybe more of a thrill for you." I never looked at that way before......I will have to give this some thought


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## ConanHub

Well I'm definitely glad for you two and you both have found a good pattern for yourselves.

Mrs. C and I are good on the trust issues though she feels less secure than me.

We generally have friends that are friends to both of us as we want friends who are absolute allies to our marriage.

Opposite sex friends who aren't as devoted to our marriage as we are don't get one on one time with either of us.

We flirt but only with a very few close friends.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

My exW was like that and I didnt think too much about it like yourself. Then came to find out she was a ho-bag spreading her legs around town. Man, did I feel stupid not seeing that coming!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Tasorundo said:


> First, there isn't 1 key.
> 
> Second, Jealousy is never good, when it is unfounded in facts.
> 
> Last, people who play with fire have a much higher chance of being burned.


Wow. Great summation there. Nicely done.


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## Andy1001

Answer this as honestly as you can.
When your wife confesses that she ****s these guys are you going to get some sort of thrill out of it.I mean she has her poster up on the gym wall,if that’s not an invitation I don’t know what is.
You remind me of a guy I grew up with.He was just one of many guys screwing the local bike but when she got pregnant he married her.About six months after the baby was born she resumed business as usual,hanging around the bars every night with anyone who would buy her a drink while the poor cuckolded idiot at home looked after some other guys baby.(For reasons I won’t go into it was obvious the baby wasn’t his once it was born)
On the odd time they would be together he would tell me how much he loved being married and “things were just the same as before”.This was with a look of desperation in his eyes and a pleading in his voice.
So like I asked you before.Who are you trying to fool/convince,us or yourself?


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

To Andy

No I 100 percent would not be thrilled if she was humping male friends, I would be exactly the opposite pissed off and left feeling betrayed.

I am strongly committed to her and fully trust her, members of the opposite sex can be good friends even when married


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## Bananapeel

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello Robbie1234
> 
> I see your point of view but in all the years Kelly and I have been happily married she has never cheated once, nor do I see her becoming unfaithful someday


This is an assumption on your part. I hope it's correct but who knows...


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## MWC WesleyandKelly

Some of the viewpoints in here are starting to get me nervous over my beloved Kelly


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## 3Xnocharm

She is getting needs met by other men that you are not fulfilling. Good for you.


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## Yeswecan

3Xnocharm said:


> She is getting needs met by other men that you are not fulfilling. Good for you.


In a nutshell.


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## Yeswecan

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> To Andy
> 
> No I 100 percent would not be thrilled if she was humping male friends, I would be exactly the opposite pissed off and left feeling betrayed.
> 
> I am strongly committed to her and fully trust her, members of the opposite sex can be good friends even when married


Good friends with thoughts about other things other then tea. Come on...do you believe none of the good male friends never wonder if..... Sometimes these good male friends stop wondering and start acting. 

Mate guard.


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## Andy1001

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Some of the viewpoints in here are starting to get me nervous over my beloved Kelly


Every man that was ever blindsided by his beloved wife’s cheating always thought it would never happen to them.
Let me make a confession to you Wes,I was a serial dater as a young man and I did a hell of a lot of traveling.I lived out of hotels for a long time and I always tried to get some female company of an evening,and with a considerable success rate I will say in all humility.
You know where I scored most often? 
Not bars or nightclubs or hotel lounges.
Gyms.
And your poster girl would have been ripe for the picking.
Now I didn’t hit on women wearing wedding or engagement rings.
But they hit on me.
Does she wear her wedding ring to the gym?


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## Luminous

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Some of the viewpoints in here are starting to get me nervous over my beloved Kelly


What did you expect? Everyone to give you a slap on the back and say 'atta boy!'

People in this place have been around long enough to see certain patterns in circumstances enough to calculate the probability of a particular type of outcome. 

More often than not they are right.


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## Yeswecan

ConanHub said:


> Opposite sex friends who aren't as devoted to our marriage as we are don't get one on one time with either of us.


This is good practice. Excellent way to handling things.


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## Tasorundo

If the few posts in here can make you feel that way, then you already felt that way but were fooling yourself into thinking you weren't.

Look, none of us know what is going on, but as general rule, it is not a good thing for a marriage. I know I have referenced playing with fire multiple times, but I fail to see a better analogy. It is fun and exciting, and most of the time no one dies, but sometimes people do.


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## EleGirl

_*The key to a successful marriage is not being jealous*_

Hardly. While being overly jealous is not good for a marriage, not being jealous is *not the key* to a successful marriage. 

I'm not a jealous person. I've not had a problem with my husbands (yes more than one) having female friends and flirting some. Shoot I have always had male friends and flirted some too. So I know that a person can have opposite sex friends and flirt but never, ever even think of cheating.

But, my husbands cheated. Not one affair, but many affairs. Me not being jealous did not help make the marriage successful.

What I've learned is to trust but verify.


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## Lostinthought61

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello Robbie1234
> 
> I see your point of view but in all the years Kelly and I have been happily married she has never cheated once, nor do I see her becoming unfaithful someday



not that you know of; let's be honest here the only person you can say that has not cheated is you (if that is the case)...for you know yourself and speak for yourself. There are so many stories where one spouse will say of the other "my spouse would never cheat, it is not like them"...until they do, and they realize how much they thought they knew them but didn't.. So Wesley you can not speak for your wife with a 100% certainty, that is impossible because you are not her.


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## jlg07

Just a few thoughts here.
First, you are a guy. If a rockin' hot woman is flirting with you, wedding ring or not, what does that make YOU think? I may have NOTHING to do with what she thinks, but what do you think the guy is thinking about? It's not playing Parcheesi with her for sure.

Second, if a wife is flirting with other men, how do you think that is perceived in general -- that she respects her partner and/or her marriage, or......


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## sokillme

Mr.Married said:


> One day your just gonna get to the point where you tell us you found your wife messing around. You tried to convince everyone before in your other thread
> that your situation is just so perfectly...flirty.
> 
> YAWN.......


Thread winner.

Who are you trying to convince OP, us or yourself?

The key to a successful marriage is to treat each other and the marriage itself with respect. Which means, when you have pledged your fidelity, you don't behave in a fashion which everyone knows is the early stages of the mating dance with someone else, which is exactly what flirting is. 

Let's be real.


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## sokillme

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> I am strongly committed to her and fully trust her, members of the opposite sex can be good friends even when married


Then it's a shame she isn't committed enough to you not to disrespect you or your marriage. I am friends with women, my wife is friends with men. We have healthy boundaries and frankly the reason I don't flirt with them, at the most basic level, is because I never disrespect myself like that. How embarrassing for me that would be, that I didn't marry well enough that I still needed to go to other women for outside attention. It would make me look desperate, and also make others sorry for my wife that she married someone who didn't respect her enough not to behave this way. What kind of husband would I be for her if others are sorry for her that she married me. I have to do better then that. I want her to be proud she married me. Like this marriage and just person skills 101. 

Even if nothing ever happens it's still disrespectful in my mind, and it bothers you enough that you went as far as to post this on some website... twice. 

Why don't you have her come on here and we can talk to her about it. I know, I know she is reading. 

Ever wonder what your life would be like if your wife understood how upset this was making you and loved you enough to curve her behavior? There are spouses like that.

Finally there is nothing wrong with jealousy when it's warranted. I think most of the time it's a waste of time, but it's a normal human emotion like anger, no one thinks avoiding feeling anger is a good thing. No one would recommend it, same is true with Jealousy.

What's this post really about OP? Maybe you are getting tried of your wife's nonsense?

I think I posted this in your last thread --

For Christmas get your wife THIS Book. Your wife needs to learn some healthier boundaries if your marriage is going to survive.

Kelly if you are reading, GET THIS BOOK! And read it. Your husband is just about done with your bull****! But he is too afraid to admit it maybe even to himself.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I don't think I've ever hung out with a woman (not related to me) on a purely platonic level. If I didn't find her somewhat attractive, I just wouldn't hang out with her. So if I was hanging out with some chick, it would be for no other reason than to angle for sex. 

Even if your wife just likes male attention and nothing more, guys are circling her like sharks who smell fresh meat. You can bet one of those Sharks are gonna get through, if one hasn't already. Unless you are some Alpha Greek God of a Man that fulfills her completely. But you're probably not if she is seeking company of other males, and just some doubt in her hindbrain is all it takes. You got a problem on your hands.


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## Mr.Married

.


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## Faithful Wife

I think I replied on your other thread about the same topic.

Yes flirting can be fun. But do you know what is even more fun? When my sex god ex would step in and stop any man from flirting with me, because he wanted me all to himself for his selfish cave man reasons.

Jealousy can be fun and flirty, too, you see. Around here they call it mate guarding.

There are ways and places where a married couple can play with flirting and other games, consensually. And we have some couples at TAM who play like that (outside of TAM).

But mostly, people here will want to hear more about how to be more exclusive and more faithful, not less.

Flirting is a danger zone for some.

For me, it was nothing. And my sex god ex made himself seem like the only flirt worthy man in the world. All others disappeared in the shadow he cast.

I’m not judging but wouldn’t you enjoy feeling like your wife actually didn’t even want to flirt with other men because she was so into you?


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## 3Xnocharm

sokillme said:


> Then it's a shame she isn't committed enough to you not to disrespect you or your marriage. I am friends with women, my wife is friends with men. We have healthy boundaries and frankly the reason I don't flirt with them, at the most basic level, is because I never disrespect myself like that. How embarrassing for me that would be, that I didn't marry well enough that I still needed to go to other women for outside attention. It would make me look desperate, and also make others sorry for my wife that she married someone who didn't respect her enough not to behave this way. What kind of husband would I be for her if others are sorry for her that she married me. I have to do better then that. I want her to be proud she married me. Like this marriage and just person skills 101.


I love love love this SO MUCH....


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## Bananapeel

If your wife was 100% in love with you and committed to your relationship she'd be pissed and offended that the other guys were looking at her since she's a married woman. Trust me on this.


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## Married but Happy

Bananapeel said:


> If your wife was 100% in love with you and committed to your relationship she'd be pissed and offended that the other guys were looking at her since she's a married woman. Trust me on this.


Naive BS. IMHO.


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## MaiChi

Tasorundo said:


> First, there isn't 1 key.
> 
> Second, Jealousy is never good, when it is unfounded in facts.
> 
> Last, people who play with fire have a much higher chance of being burned.


One of the keys is to agree limits before getting married and as long as those agreed limits are observed, there should be no issues. Its when one or other tries to smuggle in new limits without just reason and it looks like they know something the other does not. 

A person will only trust another as far as he/she trusts him/herself. If in the same situation he/she would have cheated, then he/she will assume cheating is taking place is his/her spouse is in that type of situation. 

The other issue with having close friends of the other gender is that you have to assume they are of the same sexual temperament as you. It is not always a fair assumption. They may feel something you do not at some point.


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## Bananapeel

Married but Happy said:


> Naive BS. IMHO.


Experience it and you'll understand.


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## BigToe

sokillme said:


> The key to a successful marriage is to treat each other and the marriage itself with respect. Which means, when you have pledged your infidelity, you don't behave in a fashion which everyone knows is the early stages of the mating dance with someone else, which is exactly what flirting is.


I think you meant "fidelity" not "infidelity", but the idea is exactly correct. Respect is the key word. The human problem is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, can be distracted by temptation. Given the right set of circumstances, temptation can occur and is easy to rationalize. ANYone can be trapped by it.

Married males do not need female friends. Married women do not need male friends.


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## Married but Happy

Bananapeel said:


> Experience it and you'll understand.


I have, but refuse to live in fear and paranoia of what _could_ happen. I'll deal with what DOES happen, IF it does.


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## bandit.45

I'm a jealous man. I don't apologize for it. I don't feel the need to defend myself. Any woman who agrees to enter into a committed relationship with me knows I will not tolerate an inordinate amount of flirting or carousing with other men. Male friends? It depends. If they are married to others I'm okay with it... within reason. 

When I was younger I, like the OP, tried to be modern, enlightened, non-jealous partner. All that did was bring me misery after misery. I'm in my 50s now and I just don't budge on it anymore. Call me a d!ck, call me a Neanderthal... have at it. I'm not changing. If my woman isn't satisfied with my company alone, then she's free to look elsewhere. I'm not sharing her with others. 

Nothing exists in a vacuum. Jealousy exists for a reason within our species. Regardless whether it was God, or Nature or Science that instilled humans with the emotion of jealousy, there was a reason for it. I don't question the reason. The answer to that is bigger than me or any of us, and to deny a natural function of our human existence is foolish and arrogant. The premise of this thread is steeped in arrogance and naiveté.


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## sokillme

BigToe said:


> I think you meant "fidelity" not "infidelity", but the idea is exactly correct. Respect is the key word. The human problem is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, can be distracted by temptation. Given the right set of circumstances, temptation can occur and is easy to rationalize. ANYone can be trapped by it.
> 
> Married males do not need female friends. Married women do not need male friends.


Yeah, my hands seem to have a mind of their own sometimes when I type.

Fixed it.


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## She'sStillGotIt

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> I see your point of view but in all the years Kelly and I have been happily married she has never cheated once, nor do I see her becoming unfaithful someday


 Said EVERY SINGLE BETRAYED SPOUSE when they found out about their spouse's affair(s). Sheesh.

Blind trust is exactly_* that*_. Blind.


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## She'sStillGotIt

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Some of the viewpoints in here are starting to get me nervous over my beloved Kelly


OK. This is starting to sound a little too contrived for my taste so I'm backing out and will be quietly eating my popcorn from the sidelines.


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## FieryHairedLady

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello, Married but Happily (interesting screen name)
> 
> As you stated, "We each have more opposite sex friends than same-sex friends, without any problems with jealousy or trust" You marriage reaffirms that a husband or a wife can spend time with an opposite sex friend without any issues.......Thank you


I think @Married but Happy is in an open marriage, or is in a polyamorous marriage, I can't remember exactly, just ask him.

>


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## LeGenDary_Man

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello
> 
> Time and time again I see married couples having problems stemming from jealousy issues from either one spouse of both of them.
> 
> My wife and I have been happily married for years and one of our keys or secret to a happy marriage is each of us having zero jealousy.
> 
> My wife is a natural flirt and has more male friends than females. Due to her having my spare time than I do, she often in my work related absence will do activities with a male friend such as biking, hiking, or dinner out.
> 
> This brings me to my second point marriage needs to be based on 100% honestly and trust which my wife and I have in one another.
> 
> I have absolutely no issues with my wife spending time with male friends without me
> 
> Please, your insights and thoughts on this matter thank you Wesley


IMHO, the key to happy marriage is to define some boundaries with mutual consultation, and not to keep secrets from each other (honesty factor); your stuff should be accessible to your wife and her stuff should be accessible to you on 24/7 basis. When you and your partner will share your experiences with each other without second thoughts, your bonding is likely to grow.

Jealousy can be the byproduct of 'personal insecurity' but it might stem from set of behaviors enabled by ill-defined boundaries in a relationship, violation of a mutually agreed boundary, or due to lack of honesty. This is a complex issue.

You might need to define some boundaries for the RED HIGHLIGHTS in your revelation. Trust, but not blindly.


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## NobodySpecial

Forgiveness is the key to a happy marriage.


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## Andy1001

Wes And Kes just stayed for a few hours. 
Their gone back under the bridge methinks.


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## Diana7

MWC WesleyandKelly said:


> Hello
> 
> Time and time again I see married couples having problems stemming from jealousy issues from either one spouse of both of them.
> 
> My wife and I have been happily married for years and one of our keys or secret to a happy marriage is each of us having zero jealousy.
> 
> My wife is a natural flirt and has more male friends than females. Due to her having my spare time than I do, she often in my work related absence will do activities with a male friend such as biking, hiking, or dinner out.
> 
> This brings me to my second point marriage needs to be based on 100% honestly and trust which my wife and I have in one another.
> 
> I have absolutely no issues with my wife spending time with male friends without me
> 
> Please, your insights and thoughts on this matter thank you Wesley


I think that some healthy jealousy when there is reason to be is a good thing. Everyone who is cheated on said that they had trusted their partner and that they never thought they would cheat. 
Maybe you are very fortunate in that you haven't been affected by affairs that often start when 2 people spend time together and get too close, many of us have. In my family we have had so much hurt, betrayal, lies, deception and even tragedy caused by various affairs. 

I have never cheated in the 25 years of my first marriage nor the 14 years of this one, nor do I want to, but I recognise that we are all fallible and we all have weaknesses, which is why I keep sensible healthy boundaries with the opposite sex.Not because I dont trust myself, but because I will always put my husband first. He is the only man who I want to date and spend time alone with. 

I see what you wife does as dating, having meals out with someone of the opposite sex is not acceptable and playing with fire, as are the other things you wife does alone with other men. If she has all this spare time then where are her female friends? As for flirting, that is foolish, immature and playing with fire, how disrespectful of her to do that when she is married. 

My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, so I dont keep these boundaries because he says so, I do them out of respect for him and our marriage. Because I love him and I put him above all others. Because my desire to protect my marriage is more important than spending time alone with other men.


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## sokillme

Character is the key to a successful marriage.


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## Andy1001

People talk about one spouse losing respect for the other and using this as justification for an affair. 
What about self respect and having the fortitude not to lower your self worth by cheating?
What about compassion for the person you claim to love?
In the end the only judgement worth a damn is how you see yourself,because the person in the mirror knows the truth.
I think a successful marriage is based on truth.


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## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> Character is the key to a successful marriage.


We have a winner. Seriously. This says it all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

kimduhan said:


> Agree with mind that the key of successful marriage is not being jelaous. My bride and I have plan to married soon. We try to build trustful and health relationships. I met my girlfriend on one dating apps like mailorderbridereview I did not expect that such meeting can give me some serious thing like marriage.


Congratulations, first, I wish nothing but lifelong happiness in your upcoming marriage. 

Second and so, it would be best not to believe this one jealousy common sound bite as gospel but mixed in with other well evaluated and great "keys to a good marriage" found throughout this site.


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## Mr.Married

He must have finally walked in on her getting nailed.


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