# Am I a jerk for what I said?



## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

My SO has many sensory issues with regards to physical contact. She claims to enjoy sex but it seems the only thing permitted is PIV with the occasional oral/toy after PIV has been initiated. She is willing to touch me with her hands but I am not allowed to reciprocate touching any area that might be considered sensitive. 

The reason I share details is I recognize there is no changing her. However, I have needs/desires left unfulfilled. I am at the point where I would rather not have sex with her. 

I have shared my concerns with SO that I feel our sex life is boring. That I don't like that I can't touch her. She says I can touch her just not in those sensitive areas. Besides sex is supposed to be what feels good to her and kissing and touching just doesn't do that for her. 

Well one evening while having the same frustrating conversation. I loose my patience and tell her that I know I'm not being too rough and that past girlfriends never complained. That touching and kissing are normal behaviors during sex. They even encouraged me further by my touch. I then went on to explain how her lack of enthusiasm (ie. just laying there) gives me no indication of anything. I also went on to say that she lacks sexual creativity. I told her that sex is important to me. That I think about it all the time. That I'm attracted to her but that I don't know how to do it with her or even know how to begin to initiate with her anymore. 

Am I a jerk for what I said? 

Either way any idea's how to find a way to have a good sex life from here?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sampson001 said:


> My SO has many sensory issues with regards to physical contact. She claims to enjoy sex but it seems the only thing permitted is PIV with the occasional oral/toy after PIV has been initiated. She is willing to touch me with her hands but I am not allowed to reciprocate touching any area that might be considered sensitive.
> 
> The reason I share details is I recognize there is no changing her. However, I have needs/desires left unfulfilled. I am at the point where I would rather not have sex with her.
> 
> ...


My first thought was child sexual abuse.

My second thought is "you don't. At least, not with her". You could suggest counselling or therapy, but I think either she's broken or you just don't do it for her. 

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't think you were a jerk - it sounds like a sincere description of your frustrations and issues. I think you are just sexually incompatible, and/or she may have unresolved issues from her past (which you can't fix - if they exist, only she can resolve them). 

The way to have a good sex life from here on out is to find a new SO, IMO.


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## Red Hare (May 13, 2014)

Sounds a lot like the terrible sexual "relationship" I have with my wife. I've tried for years and things have only gotten worse, not better. Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why is she "only" an SO? How long have you been in a relationship with her? Has the sex always been bad? If so, why would you cultivate a LTR with someone with whom the sex sucks?

C


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

No CSA. It is all sensory. 

Thanks for responding.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If this is a SO and not a wife, then you have your answer. The reason we date and have girlfriends, even serious ones, is to determine who we are compatible with in life. She's not the one. Move on until you find her.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

I'm new at this commenting thing. Sorry to confuse. We have been married 13 years. In the beginning, before marriage, she claimed she was shy and was a little more adventurous. When first married, we got scabbies in Jamaica on our honeymoon and she used this as a reason not to be into sex. Then kids came by year 2 (3 in 35 months) Then it was the i'm tired excuse for the quick sex. As the kids got older her dad passed away and she was depressed and not interested. I've tried to be patient but for the past 2 years I've allowed my frustration to grow. I guess it finally popped the other day.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So your sex life has never been good, and now you want to fix it? Good luck.

Why do you rule out CSA? And would she consider counselling/therapy?

C


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

PBear said:


> So your sex life has never been good, and now you want to fix it? Good luck.
> 
> Why do you rule out CSA? And would she consider counselling/therapy?
> 
> C


Ya if it's been this way the whole time, 13 years, then I don't think it's fixable. Probably the best he can hope for is to get to the point where it's similar to the beginning.


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## RandomWife99 (Jan 28, 2014)

By 'sensitive parts' I assume you means sexual area such as genitals and breasts? Have you tried touching her after she is fully aroused rather than during foreplay? I have some sensory touch issues (ie can't stand certain fabrics touching my skin) and I find being touched in sexual areas before i'm properly aroused to be pretty uncomfortable. It's huge turn off and makes sex less enjoyable. But after i'm aroused it feels completely different and I love it. Like your wife I can also go straight to piv without feeling uncomfortable, so sometimes just skip the foreplay when my husband isn't willing to take it slow to get me warmed up before touching/kissing naughty bits.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> You were not a jerk for expressing your feelings but your delivery was all wrong for what you hope to accomplish
> 
> Based on your previous thread
> 
> ...



Oh yeah, comparing your lady to your past sexual partners is turn off number one.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sampson001 said:


> No CSA. It is all sensory.



Sensory issues with physiological causes would manifest themselves in other occasions, not just during sex.

They would also be present in a physical examination, have you pursued this option?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

are you a girl or a guy? What is with the "sexual orientation not disclosed" in your profile?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Just because your other girlfriends didn't feel you were being too rough doesn't mean your touch is not too rough for her. Women vary in sensitivity. My DH is too rough for me, no one else has ever had a problem with him. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him. Doesn't matter. Just wanted to get that out of the way. 

I have also had to tell DH to NOT touch my sensitive areas until I am turned on because it's uncomfortable (for some women) to be at a 0-3 level of turned on and have someone go grabbing your crotch and squeezing breasts. 
I'd make a game of it. Purposefully avoid those areas in a teasing way while getting her so turned on she's begging for you to. 

I've read both your threads and I'm not sure what exactly you are wanting from your wife. Have you told her specific examples of what you want? Has she told you what she wants (not just what you can and can't do but how a 'perfect' night for her would look)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yup, epic fail to insult her by directly saying she lacked sexual creativity and comparing her to past lovers. I mean EPIC!

Tactile hypersensitivity is neurological in nature and generally not under her control at all. However, with regard to sex there might be some work arounds and should you two reach a place of WANTING to please the other, and after your epic fail this might take a long time, you do have options.

Vanilla sex, like kinky sex, means different things to different people. Sensory wise, your wife is far too restrictive but that doesn't mean you can't explore role play, or use toys, or have sex outside the bedroom...once she is willing to be open and vulnerable with you again after your epic fail.

Keeping in mind that the biggest sexual organ is the brain you must engage her brain and focus it on sex long before the clothing comes off. In other words, you talk her into being aroused. This sounds like a tall order but it's not impossible. Women get highly aroused reading erotica...right? So think of it as eroticizing the everyday scenario. 

Just thinking here: _a running monologue you whisper to her as she does the dishes. You standing directly behind her, not touching her but taking about what happens to each part of her body as she leans into the sink, as she bends over to load a dish, as she reaches up to put away a glass. How her body stretches elongating her torso causing her breasts to stick out or stand up, her nipples rubbing against her top, her panties gathering more tightly in certain areas.

Now her imagination is engaged. So you carefully place your hands in front of her breasts but not touching her. You then describe what your hands feel, as if you were touching her AND how that effects you and what you want to do with those breasts. You then describe touching other parts of her and how that might effect her and how it WOULD effect you._

You could:
1. Role play: Do a domination role play in which you instruct her to touch herself. You could continue this role lay by instructing her to touch you. The higher her arousal level the less likely the tactile hypersensitivity will cause a negative effect.

2. Use a swatch of fabric as a glove. Satin or silk create very slight sensations on the body, like the sensation of water running over the skin. This is why undergarments and lingerie are made from these fabrics. Touching her through these materials could help her rewrite her sensory connections thus allowing pleasurable sensation rather than a negative over stimulation.

Think outside the box when it comes to sex with your wife. Seek work arounds rather than getting frustrated with prohibitions.

If she is able to wear a bra, she has been able to acclimate her sense of touch. This means you have something to work with. Her sense of touch is heightened during arousal and most women find this positive. But your wife goes from heightened to over stimulated in a blink, so gaining a better understanding of where that line is for her will help you find more work arounds.

I don't think anyone faults you for being frustrated. In a perfect world with your wife, she would be working with you, eagerly, to help find ways to make sex more pleasurable.

Perhaps a sex therapist might be wise considering your wife's sensory integration problems.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

tactile hypersensitivity presents in many ways, not (conveniently enough ) during sex only... 

Look for the general DPD symptoms list but in general this is something one has from childhood, not something onset. 

Anon's suggestions are awesome as always but I would ask directly about SPD or TH...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think my answer would depend on if her "sensory issues" are only during sex and limited to only those "sensitive areas" (genitals and breasts).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> tactile hypersensitivity presents in many ways, not (conveniently enough ) during sex only...
> 
> Look for the general DPD symptoms list but in general this is something one has from childhood, not something onset.
> 
> Anon's suggestions are awesome as always but I would ask directly about SPD or TH...


John, the acronyms...spell it out sweetheart.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Oops  SPD is Sensory Processing Disorder, TH is what you mentioned, tactile hyper... Had to listen to a few lectures on those. They manifest in childhood usually and are generally difficult to not notice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dpd = dependent personality disorder.
spd = sensory processing disorder. 
TH = tactile hypersensitivity.

eta: opps, John beat me to it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If it's just tactile hypersensitivity, most kids out grow this to a great extent. But if it's a sensory integration problem, on the autistic spectrum, you have to find work arounds.

My youngest... Age 2-10 getting her dressed was a NIGHTMARE! Had to buy socks with no seams, no tights, leggings with no seams, no jeans, all clothing had to be washed several times before she could tolerate it, sweat pants only and the elastic around the ankle and wrists of jackets had to be cut. Monumental melt downs if she felt a seam. Bought used and asked for hand me down clothing because it all had been worn in and softened already. Finally just let her wear whatever she wanted. Now it's only evident with jeans, tags and tights.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What do you think about the suggestions so far. I'd suggest you notice her nonverbal cues. If she is sexually conservative, she is not communicating verbally. It's frustrating to have to decode but I think you will agree it's worth the effort. You are wasting time and effort telling her to make sex something she does to satisfy you. for you to be satisfied. She won't. You can inspire her to better sex by making it good for her. 

Be brutally honest and review what you have been doing. Don't you think she needs incentive to sexually satisfy you? Read up on human sexuality especially female sexuality. If you think your wife bears any resemblance to other girlfriends than you have some things to learn. It's a fact - all women are different.

Try something new. Make love to the person you are with not your fantasy woman. Get to know her and accept her. Forget about yourself and concentrate on pleasing her. That's what you want from her but can you give it? She may do the same for you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Lila said:


> Yep, ranks rights up there with critisizing sexual performance. Oh wait. Just reread your post OP and you managed to sneak that one in as well with your comment "I went on to say she lacks sexual creativity".
> 
> Sampson you hit the trifecta of turn off language in your discussion with your wife. I think you owe your wife an apology for hurting her feelings.
> 
> I also think you consider marriage therapy to help you better communicate your frustrations on your unmet needs.


Let me see if I understand this. A man endures 13 years of bad/no sex and finally speaks the truth to his obviously issue ridden wife and now has to apologize for it? Really? What if he doesn't? Oh yea, his sex life will suck. That ship sailed 13 years ago.

This thread is like another posted by a woman who also indicated that sex was better before marriage. Are these women just pretending to enjoy sex just long enough to snag a husband then they go dark? The old bait and switch. There should be a special D code for that. Unconscionable behavior.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I have noticed women not wanting clitoral stimulation after orgasm. I can imagine that some might like a light touch in the beginning, but no touch? Seems unusual. As to nipples, children nurse on them, so how can they be a forbidden zone?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sexual hangup more than any neurophysiological issue...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> As to nipples, children nurse on them, so how can they be a forbidden zone?


Nursing is what made my nipples off limit zones, it took at least a year before they felt ok to be touched sexually again. Not only were they sensitive physically, it was also really mentally strange for me. They are still not the same as they used to be (4+ years after I finished nursing)


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## NJD1983 (Sep 24, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Let me see if I understand this. A man endures 13 years of bad/no sex and finally speaks the truth to his obviously issue ridden wife and now has to apologize for it? Really? What if he doesn't? Oh yea, his sex life will suck. That ship sailed 13 years ago.


I feel you on the sentiment, as someone in a similar situation. Hes not unjustified in feeling that way it sounds like, and hes right. Its frustrating. However, the sentiment isnt productive. Either try and fix it or leave are his choices. This was in no way productive to fixing, other than speaking his mind. Its more productive towards leaving. His tact could improve. 

As a guy, I would probably apologize once I cooled down. You can be oh so right, or oh so pleasant?


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

There are certain ways my hubby touches me that drives me crazy. He knows this but still continues to do it, yet huffs and puffs when I tell him to stop. He takes his hands and lightly works up (outside of the bedroom mainly, but sexual in nature) and it tickles, it's not a turn on.

Op how are you treating her outside the bedroom? For a lot of women, their sex drive is dependent on how they are treated outside the bedroom. Also 3 kids are tiring, if you help her with some of the load, she will help you with your load


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Op how are you treating her outside the bedroom? For a lot of women said:


> if you help her with some of the load, she will help you with your load)[/B]


While this sounds good, if your wife really does not want to have sex, you will find the bar for "helping out" keeps getting moved higher & higher. I'm NOT saying you shouldn't work at taking the load off your wife. But housework may not be the main issue.

I do agree that you have to keep connected verbally all week long, and build up to the bedroom activities.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yup, epic fail to insult her by directly saying she lacked sexual creativity and comparing her to past lovers. I mean EPIC!
> 
> Tactile hypersensitivity is neurological in nature and generally not under her control at all. However, with regard to sex there might be some work arounds and should you two reach a place of WANTING to please the other, and after your epic fail this might take a long time, you do have options.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the honesty and suggestions. I will try to incorporate a soft silky material next time. Perhaps this can rewrite the sensory issues.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> If it's just tactile hypersensitivity, most kids out grow this to a great extent. But if it's a sensory integration problem, on the autistic spectrum, you have to find work arounds.
> 
> My youngest... Age 2-10 getting her dressed was a NIGHTMARE! Had to buy socks with no seams, no tights, leggings with no seams, no jeans, all clothing had to be washed several times before she could tolerate it, sweat pants only and the elastic around the ankle and wrists of jackets had to be cut. Monumental melt downs if she felt a seam. Bought used and asked for hand me down clothing because it all had been worn in and softened already. Finally just let her wear whatever she wanted. Now it's only evident with jeans, tags and tights.


I believe it is SPD. She has never been diagnosed but one of our children has been. We have gone through the same as above with our child even adding a weighted blanket at night. 

It wasn't until my child was diagnosed 4 years ago that I started to really connect the dots. As mentioned in OP, I have tried to be patient over the years thinking we can work through the sex issues. I just feel like she uses any event life throws at us to put the issue off or make an excuse. I have read and can attest that people with this type of issue like to control situations because they don't want to have to experience the sensory discomfort. I think the excuse making is part of her way of controlling the situation and keeping me at bay. For the past couple of years I have been working through the issues in my mind and have been pushing her to try to realize that her hypersensitivity is the issue. 

Perhaps I need to encourage her to see an occupational therapist? 

I do feel bad for what I said about the comparisons. However, I was trying to get her to see that her situation is very unique. She is not the typical woman. That it's not me being over pushy that all I'm wanting is a healthy sex life with my wife.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Just because your other girlfriends didn't feel you were being too rough doesn't mean your touch is not too rough for her. Women vary in sensitivity. My DH is too rough for me, no one else has ever had a problem with him. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him. Doesn't matter. Just wanted to get that out of the way.
> 
> I have also had to tell DH to NOT touch my sensitive areas until I am turned on because it's uncomfortable (for some women) to be at a 0-3 level of turned on and have someone go grabbing your crotch and squeezing breasts.
> I'd make a game of it. Purposefully avoid those areas in a teasing way while getting her so turned on she's begging for you to.
> ...


Thank you for your response. I understand the need to warm up. I think we are all that way to one degree or another. My point in comparing was to hopefully get her to see that this sensory issue is a problem. That it causes her to be different. 

Due to the sensory issues my wife must have control over all aspects of her life. This limits her in many ways. From social to physical she must have things in their place neat and tidy. No exceptions and no desire to try something different. If not, she will avoid first or if unavoidable go kicking and screaming. 

What I am wanting from my wife is for her to have an interest in sex. To be open to thinking, trying, talking, joking about new things. I'm not looking for any particular position. To me, sex is supposed to be relaxed. A time when a couple can play and enjoy each other. It is hard for me to enjoy something when I know that if I try something out of the ordinary she spasms like I just shocked her with live wire. 

I have said pretty much the above to her in the past. What I get is more of the same. Maybe the frequency will go up but the creativity does not. I think she is incapable of creativity due to the sensory issues. 

I guess, like PBear has insinuated I should have figured this out before we were married. I guess I'm stuck.

I'm so frustrated with how it goes that I would rather not have sex with her.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I think my answer would depend on if her "sensory issues" are only during sex and limited to only those "sensitive areas" (genitals and breasts).


The issues affect all aspects of her life. Not just sex.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> What do you think about the suggestions so far. I'd suggest you notice her nonverbal cues. If she is sexually conservative, she is not communicating verbally. It's frustrating to have to decode but I think you will agree it's worth the effort. You are wasting time and effort telling her to make sex something she does to satisfy you. for you to be satisfied. She won't. You can inspire her to better sex by making it good for her.
> 
> Be brutally honest and review what you have been doing. Don't you think she needs incentive to sexually satisfy you? Read up on human sexuality especially female sexuality. If you think your wife bears any resemblance to other girlfriends than you have some things to learn. It's a fact - all women are different.
> 
> Try something new. Make love to the person you are with not your fantasy woman. Get to know her and accept her. Forget about yourself and concentrate on pleasing her. That's what you want from her but can you give it? She may do the same for you.


thank you for the suggestions. 

I take great pride in trying to pay attention to my wife sexually. I always have tried to please her but what can one do when there is no pleasing, physically?? Outside of PIV, that is. I guess you are just telling me to keep doing the same stuff we always do, never deviate from the script because that will cause discomfort. In return I will get off!

When I ask her things like what do you want me to do to you. She has nothing new to offer besides the usual.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> There are certain ways my hubby touches me that drives me crazy. He knows this but still continues to do it, yet huffs and puffs when I tell him to stop. He takes his hands and lightly works up (outside of the bedroom mainly, but sexual in nature) and it tickles, it's not a turn on.
> 
> Op how are you treating her outside the bedroom? For a lot of women, their sex drive is dependent on how they are treated outside the bedroom. Also 3 kids are tiring, if you help her with some of the load, she will help you with your load


I try not to touch her outside the bedroom unless she initiates. Given her sensory issues when I initiate she tends to recoil.

My wife has a tough job with the kids but that is all she has. She gets plenty of time for herself, her workouts. She has money to spend and time to enjoy it. 

I don't resent her for this. I like being a provider. I just sometimes get frustrated because I feel like my needs are not being met. And I hate to be stubborn but I don't want her to fake it and I definitely don't want duty sex. I want her to be interested in sex and exploring. Either that or I want her to say I'm not interested. This way I can try to focus on something else.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sampson001 said:


> *I try not to touch her outside the bedroom unless she initiates. Given her sensory issues when I initiate she tends to recoil.*
> 
> My wife has a tough job with the kids but that is all she has. She gets plenty of time for herself, her workouts. She has money to spend and time to enjoy it.
> 
> I don't resent her for this. I like being a provider. I just sometimes get frustrated because I feel like my needs are not being met. And I hate to be stubborn but I don't want her to fake it and I definitely don't want duty sex. I want her to be interested in sex and exploring. Either that or I want her to say I'm not interested. This way I can try to focus on something else.


Have you spoken to her about her recoiling from affection? Does she recognize that recoiling from a simple affectionate touch indicates one thing, that she doesn't want to be touched. But what does that communicate to you? What meaning do you take from a wife who doesn't want to be touched? Those are the kinds of dialogue questions that might be helpful in coming together to find ways around this issue, without her feeling criticized and then getting defensive.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're not a jerk. 

She needed to hear it. She's the jerk.


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you spoken to her about her recoiling from affection? Does she recognize that recoiling from a simple affectionate touch indicates one thing, that she doesn't want to be touched. But what does that communicate to you? What meaning do you take from a wife who doesn't want to be touched? Those are the kinds of dialogue questions that might be helpful in coming together to find ways around this issue, without her feeling criticized and then getting defensive.


I have spoken to her about her recoiling. At first I don't think she realized she was doing it. Now I think she does realize as she has been trying not to recoil. This conversation really has done nothing to help the situation except to set the boundaries of where I can and can't touch. 

To me her recoiling is rejection. Her just laying there not communicating says boredom/disinterest. Her desire to go straight to PIV says "lets get this over with". Her lack of interest in talking about sex or sexy things says disinterest. When I have suggested anything sexual her lack of participation and body language says uncomfortable and he's a pervert. 

As mentioned before, I feel we have much to be thankful for. For most of my wife's adult life she has not had to work. I would think she would have the time to explore her sexuality. To think about things from a woman's perspective. My observations lead me to think she has not put more than 15 minutes of thought into her sexuality and our sex life. I guess it goes to show that sex is a low to no priority to her. 

In addition to the baggage I've mentioned regarding her SPD. When we have argued about other life issues (The kids etc..) and constructive criticism is involved she gets very defensive. During those heated moments she has said things about our sex life. Mean things that make me less willing to expose my needs to her. 

Thank you for your feedback.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You mention several thing I can identify with, from the early years in my marriage when I we had a serious sexual disconnect for a number of reasons...and it usually is a number of reasons not just one. So let me take your wife's POV and see if anything might ring true for you...




Sampson001 said:


> I have spoken to her about her recoiling. At first I don't think she realized she was doing it. Now I think she does realize as she has been trying not to recoil. This conversation really has done nothing to help the situation except to set the boundaries of where I can and can't touch.
> 
> To me her recoiling is rejection. Her just laying there not communicating says boredom/disinterest. Her desire to go straight to PIV says "lets get this over with". Her lack of interest in talking about sex or sexy things says disinterest. When I have suggested anything sexual her lack of participation and body language says uncomfortable and he's a pervert.


Talking about sex and sexy erotic conversations takes both a willingness to be vulnerable and confidence. She doesn't know what she likes, doesn't know what to say, is too timid to say the naughty things she might be thinking and probably is thinking.

Her just laying there is probably more about her timidity and lack of confidence/knowledge than boredom/disinterest. 

Does she show more liveliness in bed after she's had a few drinks? If so, this indicates she does have it in her but her sexual anxiety keeps a lid on her sexual expression.

In other words, try to not take it as a rejection of you but as an expression of her lack of sexual confidence.

What does a woman need from her man if she lacks sexual confidence?



> As mentioned before, I feel we have much to be thankful for. For most of my wife's adult life she has not had to work. I would think she would have the time to explore her sexuality. To think about things from a woman's perspective. My observations lead me to think she has not put more than 15 minutes of thought into her sexuality and our sex life. I guess it goes to show that sex is a low to no priority to her.


I caution you against reading too much into her lack of self exploration. While you have a valid point, what I think you're missing is that human nature prompts us to put energy into things we feel good about and avoid things we don't feel good about. If she feels like a failure in bed, due to both her sensory issues and her lack of confidence and knowledge, she would naturally avoid it. Perhaps she blames her sensory issues and because she's always had them, she figures there is nothing she can do. She is weird, not right and too different to be considered a good sex partner and it will always be thus. Why look into it when she's never been able to change this about herself?

Don't overlook her family of origin, nor her formative years and a pattern of rejection from peers, as kids with sensory issues tend to have peer problems. This can set the stage for her knee jerk reaction in how she copes with her differences.

So she's not avoiding it because she is rejecting you or rejecting sex. She is coming from a place where she felt rejected, where she knows she isn't all that and a bag of chips in bed and a place where past experience has taught her that she is the way she is and she just has to accept it. 



> In addition to the baggage I've mentioned regarding her SPD. When we have argued about other life issues (The kids etc..) and constructive criticism is involved she gets very defensive. During those heated moments she has said things about our sex life. Mean things that make me less willing to expose my needs to her.
> 
> Thank you for your feedback.


Lashing out at you to protect herself, I think.

Does any of what I've written ring true for you? Does it seem to fit?


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You mention several thing I can identify with, from the early years in my marriage when I we had a serious sexual disconnect for a number of reasons...and it usually is a number of reasons not just one. So let me take your wife's POV and see if anything might ring true for you...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do believe her being timid is due to a lack of confidence. Her mom used to accuse her of being a ***** in H.S. even though she wasn't. Her mom also wasn't real good at discussing female issues and definitely never discussed sex with her. Although I like her mom, many times I think the way she raised her daughter ruined her. For example, she was a Plane Jane when we met. Beautiful but plain. I, a guy, had to take her shopping and force her to visit stores which she was very hesitant to even enter. After 10 years she is starting to feel comfortable breaking out of her Plain Jane persona. Her mother never took the time to help her. All she ever helped her be was "comfy".

I can say that the sensory issues were never even considered issues until I mentioned that they were issues a few years ago after our child was diagnosed with SPD. She couldn't understand how I would think she had it. I then laid out my list of things and the light went off. 

I have tried to give her confidence. I know I sound impatient and insensitive here but for a better part of 11 or so years I did nothing but try to encourage her sexually. To compliment her when she would touch me in a good way. As a matter of fact I think she is confident that she knows how to please me by touch. The problem is it is like a one way street. She can touch me but I can't touch her. 

I have tried to be patient with her. I have tried to encourage other positions etc. Occasionally she would try but it was obvious it was just to appease me and that there was no enjoyment for her. I have tried to talk about sex with her. She won't talk about it. I have tried to get her to look at porn or read a 50 shades type book. No go. I encourage her to go out with her girlfriends in hopes that someone will talk about sex and get her thinking about it. To get her thinking that other people are different and maybe it might be fun to be like them. Anything! 

So I hate to say it but my patience is wearing thin. I have put up with her excuses. I have tried to encourage her in subtle ways. I have tried to create romantic moments. The best I get is me on top PIV then we are done. She's off to the bathroom to clean up and it is just like nothing ever happened. No kissing, no foreplay, no snuggling, no dirty talk, no sounds during (except right before her O). No hey i was thinking about this one thing all day….. or I read about this…

For the past few months, she has received more criticism, seen me become more removed and not initiate any more. She has inquired and I have told her I don't know how to touch her. She has told me it doesn't feel good etc..I revert back to being distant.

The only positive from the distance I'm creating is that she is trying to initiate sex more. The problem is not the frequency. It is the fact that sex to her is me on top, have an O and we are done. Wam, Bam thank you Ma'am. I want a lover. I want someone interest in sex. I can have a quick O on my own. To be honest, even though this is a positive in some ways I think the real reason she is doing this because she wants to make sure I'm not running around on her. Which I will not do.

In addition, this situation is beginning to affect other aspects of our marriage as well. I am not real motivated at work. I dread the time between when the kids go to bed and we go to bed. I have less interest in hearing about stuff in her day. The only real thing we have in common are the kids and many times we disagree on how to deal with them.

I'm tired of trying. She is impossible to talk to. Any thing I say is an accusation etc.. Many times in our marriage my wife has pointed out things I do. Sometimes during heated arguments, sometimes through humor. I have always tried to honestly reflect on her criticisms and improve. I feel like she does not work the same way. Instead, my criticisms are baseless and deserve no personal reflection or thought. 

I appreciate all your suggestions. You are getting me to think. Maybe something will spark!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It does sound as if you've done a lot to make this work and bring her out of her shell.

Reading this latest post made me think she must hate herself to not feel good being touched. 

Just to clarify...she does orgasm? You have spelled this out for her, just as you've spelled it out here? That not being able to touch her erotically absolutely affects you and your ability to feel close to her?

Sounds like her mother really did a number on her and yes maybe a BFF might be able to help pull her out of her shell. 

You know, my heart just breaks for her. And for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sigh...

AnonPink just collected another set of balls....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Sigh...
> 
> AnonPink just collected another set of balls....




That's my evil plan. Collect as many sets of balls as possible by making sense.

Bwahahahahaha.


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