# To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.

Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.

I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that she’d been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and the business meeting was her returning to him.

Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse. If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.

Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others aren’t worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....


I've never had a confession so I can only speculate... I think for me a confession would take away some of the doubts about what is being rugswept, make it a little easier to believe the WS is showing true remorse and focus on whether the relationship can be rebuilt. With catching and receiving trickle truth, I think it increases the level of nagging doubts about what you haven't been told and whether the WS is sorry for the affair or just sorry he/she got caught. And I am sure with a confession it's still an excruciating experience that is very difficult to attempt to rebuild from.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.
> 
> Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.
> 
> ...


You should leave her for you man - you only get one life to live - you will spend enough time being a corpse without starting early....


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.


I don't agree. My ex confessed and showed absolutely NO REMORSE and NO REGRET, and NO concern for me. The reason he confessed was because he wanted to be with his AP. 

Vega


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Depends. My ex never admitted to anything until he knew that I had irrefutable proof. He had also cheated more than once. So, when I found out, I lost all trust and respect for him. I definitely wasn't staying in a relationship with no respect or trust.

If both the frequency of the cheating and the way I found out had been different, there's a chance I would have considered staying in the relationship. If he cheated once instead of multiple times, then immediately confessed and took full responsibility and accountability for his decision, there is a slight chance I would have remained in the relationship. 

My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

A pre-emptive confession would have been nice, but, given how the trickle truth came out after I caught him, again, who knows if it would have been the whole truth anyway.

Maybe it would have been because he knew it was going to come out, maybe it IS the whole truth, how would you know, since he would be telling me he had been deceiving me for all that time anyway.

It may have made it a little better, but, in the end, I would still have doubts about what happened, and what might happen in the future.


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## MarieG (Aug 23, 2013)

Speaking for myself, I think that had my H had been the one to confess it would have demonstrated to me that he felt true remorse for what he did. 

Instead, I have had to drag every bit of information that he has given me, out of him.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....


No it didn't. She didn't exactly "confess" though I never caught her "in the act". I forced a confession out of her because I knew intuitively that something was going on.

I tried to R with her but the lack of remorse made it impossible. That and she wanted to continue keeping secrets, which is entirely unmanageable.

When the destruction of the family unit is at stake irrationality is nearly unavoidable. 

I wish I had kicked her out the instant I found out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

For me it matters very little.

The betraying and everything it means is still the same. The lack of love and respect for the betrayed, the marriage, the family, the kids... is all the same. 

The total and permanent loss of trust & faith is still the same.

I mean, I suppose a case can be made it is better to get a cold confession rather than finding out differently, but so what? The damage has already been done. 

Also, just because someone confesses doesn't necessarily mean they have a lot of remorse and want to work things out. 

No, no, for me it doesn't make much of a difference. 

A betrayer and a betrayal is the same no matter how one finds out (although I can appreciate opposing opinions).


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

From what the stories here convey, while confession helps, it is nearly always followed by enough trickle truth to negate the confession. The confession is talked about like this: "Well, at least he confessed" as though it were a consolation prize.

It is definitely better than more covert deception. But it rarely indicates the end of overt deception. No matter how you slice it, the TT is what continues to sting long after. TT keeps the pain and in a sense, the ghost of the affair alive for both the cheater and the BS. And the WS is still deluded enough to believe they derive benefit from it. 

I also agree that confession doesn't necessarily indicate remorse. It takes a long time and a lot of consistent, honest behaviour to figure out if you are still being played.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

If they confessed because of pressure - then that is not a confession they would have offered without you pushing them - to me that is almost the same thing as getting caught isn't it?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

My horrible stbxw left me seemingly out of the blue on my daughter's birthday, then wanted to come back, then didn't, then did...I finally said no, it's over. It wasn't until 4 days later, via text, that I asked her "Ok, be honest with me, I deserve to know, is there another man in your life?".

Her response was priceless:

Her: "I feel like I'm being trapped"
Me: "Come on, be honest. I need to know".
Her: "Does it matter? Really??" 
Me: "Yes. Tell me".
Her: "oh God, there was. It was over as soon as it began. Please don't freak out".

Laugh the F*CK out loud. "Does it matter? Really??"

If ever I start to feel any warmth or kindness toward her, I just remember that. And then hating her comes naturally.

As to the question, not really. She spreads for another guy, it's over, no matter what the circumstances.

But what she did was particularly loathsome. Her friend that knew of the affair urged her to tell me, saying I'd wonder what happened and would eventually find out. She refused. Cowardly, horrid beast of a woman. She was just going to let me twist in the wind, wondering wtf happened. 

Also, it went on for months and months...it wasn't "over before it began". 

Ahhhhh, morning trigger.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none. 
Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.
Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If they confessed because of pressure - then that is not a confession they would have offered without you pushing them - to me that is almost the same thing as getting caught isn't it?


There's an old saying that says, "It is always better to be shot in the front than in the back". However, either way the bullet meant for you went thru your heart and killed you. So does it really matter how you got murdered?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It would have mattered to me. Significantly so. Having to catch her lying was another knife to the gut. Her head games were as bad as the cheating I guess lying goes with cheating most often. 

The problem was a complete loss of credibility and no way to rebuild trust when it was discovered. At least for me. Then Again she was not remorseful at all. Not until after she blew her settlement from the divorce and had to get a job. Her tune has changed now but I really don't care anymore and feel relieved to be rid of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.
> 
> Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.
> 
> ...


Why in the hell are you still with this woman? Good grief.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none.
> *Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.*
> Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.


Great point..i wonder about people who reconcile after catching a spouse and forcing an end to the affair - if you didn't catch them and they would not have ended it on their own - how does effect the reconciliation?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

MrsDavey said:


> My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.


Exactly my views. If they're at the third chance, you're looking at a serial cheater. They won't change, or at least not with you. Out with them.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My ex has tried to use the fact of her "confession" as "defence" for her subsequent trickle truth - which may, or may not, be continuing - but I no longer care.

Her "confession" consisted of an admission of a one sided EA (before I even knew there was such a thing). Everything else flowed from that - including her subsequent further "confession" about 3 months later that they had "just kissed".

From those 2 statements I slowly unpicked everything - figured it all out and pieced an enormous, filthy, depraved, jigsaw together when the only picture was my knowledge of her personality and what she would do in each circumstance.

It was my digging that inadvertently ended the affair as I went to confront the OM (she denied it was him and at that point I had no idea that it had been physical).

She might have said nothing, but she had left so much evidence that discovery was inevitable and at that point both me and our kids had serious suspicions.

My point in all of this, is that her confession was half assed and only pre-empted the inevitable and so it was ultimately worthless.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> My ex has tried to use the fact of her "confession" as "defence" for her subsequent trickle truth - which may, or may not, be continuing - but I no longer care.
> 
> Her "confession" consisted of an admission of a one sided EA (before I even knew there was such a thing). Everything else flowed from that - including her subsequent further "confession" about 3 months later that they had "just kissed".
> 
> ...


Perhaps I should have rephrased the question and used the term "full and complete confession" - trickle truthing and having the BS continue to dig for the truth is like getting caught as well....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Well, my wife confessed completely unprompted and caught me by total surprise. Had I caught her, yes, I think it would have been worse.
> 
> A little background, she was feeling bad about herself and went back to school. I knew something was wrong, I could sense her pulling away. I did not know what to do and hoped she would snap out of it. This went on for several weeks until one night in bed I asked her what was wrong. We expressed our love for each other, had great make-up sex and all seemed great. She then told me there had been another man. I assured her it would be OK. Things seemed good for the next couple of weeks. She offered to answer anything I asked. I was pretty naive on what went on, my wife tends to over dramatize things so in my mind she maybe had a bit of a crush or even did lunch with this guy. One day on the way home from work I had a bit of a panic attack about a PA. That evening a bit embarrassed to even ask such a question that would insinuate that she was a Wh*** I did ask did you have sex with him? She hesitated for a minute and then said yes, one time. The fact that it went PA, I have never got over.
> 
> *Had I caught her instead of a confession, it would probably be over now.*


I would think catching them - always leaves you with the doubt of their desire to end the affair on their own...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Great point..i wonder about people who reconcile after catching a spouse and forcing an end to the affair - if you didn't catch them and they would not have ended it on their own - how does effect the reconciliation?


Well in many cases that's a fake R, with an unremorseful wayward. I caught my ex dining at a terrace with another woman. Passed right by him and looked in his mortified eyes. It was priceless. He had told me he was going to see a male friend. When he came home he started the usual cheater lines, how he was sorry, it was a mistake, give him at least a night in my house until he can find a place, etc etc. He pleaded his way into R, because I was weak. But neither I ever believed a word coming from his mouth, nor was he truly remorseful, so it had to end. I felt like had I not caught him, he would have went very far in the affair. A repentant confession- provided it wasn't already the Xth time - would have helped his case.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Stabbed in the front, or back.. either way... you've been stabbed. I suppose the front might appear more noble, but it's still a dagger in your heart.

I'd be more concerned with what happens after discovery than what the method of discovery was.. Reason being, the motive for confession could be totally selfish, to rid themselves of guilt. To minimize the extent of it. Fear of being exposed by a third party, etc..


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

After having been cheated on by my two serious LTR GFs and then my wife of 15 years I can honestly say that it doesn't matter how I find out ever again. I will never be able to stay with a cheater, ever.

Boy that was a hard lesson to learn.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Stabbed in the front, or back.. either way... you've been stabbed. I suppose the front might appear more noble, but it's still a dagger in your heart.
> 
> I'd be more concerned with what happens after discovery than what the method of discovery was.. Reason being,* the motive for confession could be totally selfish, to rid themselves of guilt. To minimize the extent of it. Fear of being exposed by a third party, etc.*.


:iagree: that is a good point but I think if a remorseful spouse spills it in a desire to repair the marriage - it might be helpful in the long run - but you are right either way you got stabbed...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think that a confession from a truly remorseful spouse; who's BS suspected nothing; who only confessed due to their remorse - is as rare as hen's teeth. 

I would think that almost all confessions are due to either:

- The WS thinking they are about to get caught.

- The WS actually being caught.

- The WS wanting to exit the marriage to be with the AP.


So, when I hear the word "confession"; I take it with a grain of salt.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I think we need to consider the _motive_ for confessing. 

Did they confess because they broke up with their AP and their AP threatened to tell you? 

Did they confess because they were beginning to fear that you were getting closer to finding out, and figured it would make them "look good" if they came 'clean' _before_ you found out on your own? 

Did they confess because they figured it happened so long ago that it wouldn't 'bother' you anymore? 

Did they confess so THEY feel _relief_ from their own guilt while denying that guilt?

Did they confess so they can run off with their AP?

Or did they confess because they KNEW they did something wrong, are remorseful, apologetic, wanted to make amends and reconcile? 

Sorry Badmemory! Looks like we cross-posted!

Vega


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. Because my wife told me in advance that she planned to have an affair. 

Had I found out by accident or a post event confession? 

Don't know how I'd have been able to handle that, to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The last two posts of Vega and Badmemory bring up a great point - is the WS simply a lying manipulator and even the confession is used to further their goals....


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The last two posts of Vega and Badmemory bring up a great point - is the WS simply a lying manipulator and even the confession is used to further their goals....


Yes, I'd say that is most often the case.

My point is that whatever their reason for confessing, there's not much of a chance they're doing it for the BS's sake.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I actually asked my ex why he told me. He said,...

....wait for it....


"I wanted to be _HONEST_ with you."



:lol: :rofl: 


Gee dude...why weren't you "honest" with me 2 weeks or 3 YEARSearlier? And why be "honest" NOW?

Sheesh.

Vega


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

That's the funniest thing after they get caught.. any time they say "honestly" or "I'm telling the truth" or "you don't believe me?"

Uh.. no?

I bet most confessions fall into a couple categories:

1. Afraid that someone is about to out them.

2. Guilt and shame are too much for them, they want to dump it on the BS.


I doubt it's ever:

I really feel so horrible about what I've done, I want to give my spouse the chance to leave me and find someone that would be faithful to them and honor and respect them.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> I actually asked my ex why he told me. He said,...
> 
> ....wait for it....
> 
> ...


I'd love to hear his definition of honesty...:slap:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

russell28 said:


> That's the funniest thing after they get caught.. any time they say "honestly" or "I'm telling the truth" or "you don't believe me?"
> 
> Uh.. no?
> 
> ...


I think all WS start off from a position of selfishness...


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

LOL, My STBXH confessed, but only after I asked, and he lied about most of the confession, and the one after that, and the one after that, .....you get the idea. While it is the lesser of two evils if they confess instead of getting caught, it's still evil.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> LOL, My STBXH confessed, but only after I asked, and he lied about most of the confession, and the one after that, and the one after that, .....you get the idea. While it is the lesser of two evils if they confess instead of getting caught, *it's still evil.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Cheating is evil...the amount of permanent damage done to the BS, the kids, etc is mind boggling...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> This is also what my wife said. Very recently we were talking about it and she said she was completely honest. I said, you have to admit that having an affair is nothing but a lie. She said "I was deceitful but did not lie" I said you lied when you went to meet him. She said I told you I was going shopping and I went shopping. Yes, she did after she f*** him. I said you lied by omission.


:slap::slap::slap::slap: I can see why you still trigger...she still does not fvcking get it....


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> This is also what my wife said. Very recently we were talking about it and she said she was completely honest. I said, you have to admit that having an affair is nothing but a lie. She said "I was deceitful but did not lie" I said you lied when you went to meet him. She said I told you I was going shopping and I went shopping. Yes, she did after she f*** him. I said you lied by omission.


Ohhhh, I'm willing to BET that if you did to HER what she did to YOU, she'd accuse YOU of _*LYING*_!!

Vega


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> This is also what my wife said. Very recently we were talking about it and she said she was completely honest. I said, you have to admit that having an affair is nothing but a lie. She said "I was deceitful but did not lie" I said you lied when you went to meet him. She said I told you I was going shopping and I went shopping. Yes, she did after she f*** him. * I said you lied by omission*.


 When they lie by omission, everything else they tell you is true, which makes them so believable. This is the most artful way to lie. If they only included that little crumb of truth that they left out, it would shed an entire new light on the situation. But, let's be real here, they already know that


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> When they lie by omission, everything else they tell you is true, which makes them so believable. This is the most artful way to lie. If they only included that little crumb of truth that they left out, it would shed an entire new light on the situation. But, let's be real here, they already know that


Yeah lying by omission is still lying ..it is giving a deliberately incomplete picture so as to mislead the BS,...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> Ohhhh, I'm willing to BET that if you did to HER what she did to YOU, she'd accuse YOU of _*LYING*_!!
> 
> Vega


This is what I'm thinking.. I guess it's okay for him to boink her sister as long as he only says "I'm going over your sisters house" and doesn't mention the rest...

At some point she had to lie... might not have been the shopping thing, but I'm sure it happened no matter how elusive she tried to be with answers.. She's lying about lying..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

russell28 said:


> This is what I'm thinking.. I guess it's okay for him to boink her sister as long as he only says "I'm going over your sisters house" and doesn't mention the rest...


:rofl: Well he won't be lying - he is at her sisters house right????


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

russell28 said:


> This is what I'm thinking.. I guess it's okay for him to boink her sister as long as he only says "I'm going over your sisters house" and doesn't mention the rest...


Maybe lying by omission feels "cleaner" to them than an outright lie...?

Vega


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> Maybe lying by omission feels "cleaner" to them than an outright lie...?
> 
> Vega


WSs are good at rationalizing a boatload of sh!tty behavior....


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> WSs are good at rationalizing a boatload of sh!tty behavior....


Yes, because in their minds they are freeing themselves from the oppression of an evil sexless captor, LOL


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> Yes, because in their minds they are freeing themselves from the oppression of an evil sexless captor, LOL


I'd love to line up the WS's marital complaints with the BS's...I* bet each have along list but guess what? One CHOSE not to cheat....


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'd like to line up WS's for something a little different.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Vega said:


> I actually asked my ex why he told me. He said,...
> 
> ....wait for it....
> 
> ...


Yeah Vega,

I also got the "I'm being honest with you now".

I told her: "Oh my, how conciliatory of you. Especially considering I recovered a Guinness World Record of infidelity documentation - that included just about every move the two of you made for the last two years". 

Okay, it's actually not in the Guinness World Records, but it could be.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I'd love to line up the WS's marital complaints with the BS's...I* bet each have along list but guess what? One CHOSE not to cheat....


Yep, mine brought up gems like, the house was always a mess, the kids were always in dirty diapers. Of course not true, but notice the definitive always. So I asked him "*If* that were true, and you saw me struggling, why didn't you help me?" His response " Why should I have to do my job and yours", AH, thank you for the insight, ...a$$hole.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> I'd like to line up WS's for something a little different.


Amen !!


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm not a religious man but I understand the significance of the 10 commandments and I think they are valid.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Yeah Vega,
> 
> I also got the *"I'm being honest with you now".*
> 
> ...


Isn't that magnanimous of her?


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Isn't that magnanimous of her?


Yeah really. Nice of them to throw us BS's a bone every now and then.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Isn't that magnanimous of her?


So many word choices - magnanimous, gracious, honest, forth coming, generous, charitable, benevolent, beneficent, big-hearted, altruistic, noble, merciful, lenient, clement.

No matter, it was all horse sh!t.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> So many word choices - magnanimous, gracious, honest, forth coming, generous, charitable, benevolent, beneficent, big-hearted, altruistic, noble, merciful, lenient, clement.
> 
> No matter, it was all horse sh!t.


Is she doing the heavy lifting in R?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> So many word choices - *magnanimous, gracious, honest, forth coming, generous, charitable, benevolent, beneficent, big-hearted, altruistic, noble, merciful, lenient, clement*.
> 
> No matter, it was all horse sh!t.


Doesn't CWI have a *vomit* emoticon?

V


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Is she doing the heavy lifting in R?


Yes, and R is going well. But I realize that so far, I've been fortunate that she has - considering the early mistakes I made.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Yes it does. In my case she confessed by herself, after i urged her to tell me what's wrong.
But i'd also say that it matters if they tell the truth right away, cause most of em tell it piece by piece. The lies are the biggest obstacle after finding out. It's like playing Jeopardy with a politician.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TimesOfChange said:


> Yes it does. In my case she confessed by herself, after i urged her to tell me what's wrong.
> But i'd also say that it matters if they tell the truth right away, cause most of em tell it piece by piece. The lies are the biggest obstacle after finding out. It's like playing Jeopardy with a politician.


Did she make a full confession immediately?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....


It effected things a little. I found out about the EA. She later confessed the PA. I then found a second EA.

The confession of the PA bought her some time for an attempt at the R. 

In the end, the R is more affected by the process. 

My R was a time for me to get through the emotional phases and re-build my confidence. It made the D less painful for family and me because it was not as shocking when I decided to end it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> It effected things a little. I found out about the EA. She later confessed the PA. I then found a second EA.
> 
> The confession of the PA bought her some time for an attempt at the R.
> 
> ...


How long was her PA?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> How long was her PA?


Her confession was about 3 months from first sex to the last sex. I know I found a text saying to him ILY 6 months before she said they did the deed. I know he was still very tight with her 7-8 months after she claimed it ended. 

She forgot to tell me about her EA with my former best friend. This was about the time she stopped having sex with OM-1. I found that out 7 months after it had "ended."

It really didn't matter. The R was not about her learning from her "mistakes." It was about me realizing what a slvt my wife was, and how she would never be worth my time.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Her confession was about 3 months from first sex to the last sex. I know I found a text saying to him ILY 6 months before she said they did the deed. I know he was still very tight with her 7-8 months after she claimed it ended.
> 
> She forgot to tell me about her EA with my former best friend. This was about the time she stopped having sex with OM-1. I found that out 7 months after it had "ended."
> 
> It really didn't matter. The R was not about her learning from her "mistakes." It was about me realizing what a slvt my wife was, and how she would never be worth my time.


The best you get form some Wss is rug sweeping...it is all they are capable of...pretty sad...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

JustGrinding said:


> Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. *I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse.* If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.



lol

Has her affair stopped?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

This is a tough one for a lot of different factors. Most of it has to do with you as the BS and perceptions/suspicions about your spouse you’ve already accepted on some level; Like if you decide that there might be something going on, but just can’t get to what that is. I constantly tried to various excuses for why she behaved like she behaved, but nothing was concrete; Mid life crisis? Weight yoyo? Death in the family? Something I’m doing? Kids? Work? Bad friends + bad advice? It’s that which sort of dictates the level of trauma done to you. 

It’s always going to be a shock. But I think that period where you accept ‘this’ happened is greatly reduced if they are operating in a manner that seems ‘in character’ and explains a lot of those things rolling through your head. Discovery or confession just sort of answers those questions as to ‘why’ she was doing this stuff that seemed out of character... It suddenly makes sense why she’s distant, moody, overly loving then screaming at you. You now have a reason and know where the problem lies.

As far as what is better, discovery or confession. I think of it in terms of increasing your chances of a reconciliation. A wayward who confesses has a better chance. A wayward that takes responsibility for their actions has a better chance. A wayward that is remorseful has a better chance. A wayward who tries like hell to somehow make this up to you has a better chance. A wayward who is looking out for you and doing what they can to help you through this and find understanding has a better chance. A wayward who works hard on themselves, seeks council, and makes changes has a better chance.

A failure to do any of these doesn’t make it worse. But there are also things they can do to make it much, much harder to reconcile: Broken NC, continued affairs, rugsweeping, threats, dictating terms, continued behaviors, etc. They are just proving what their now traumatized BS is already fearing about them... they are horrible spouses.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Racer said:


> As far as what is better, discovery or confession. I think of it in terms of increasing your chances of a reconciliation. A wayward who confesses has a better chance. A wayward that takes responsibility for their actions has a better chance. A wayward that is remorseful has a better chance. A wayward who tries like hell to somehow make this up to you has a better chance. A wayward who is looking out for you and doing what they can to help you through this and find understanding has a better chance. A wayward who works hard on themselves, seeks council, and makes changes has a better chance.
> 
> *A failure to do any of these doesn’t make it worse.* But there are also things they can do to make it much, much harder to reconcile: Broken NC, continued affairs, rugsweeping, threats, dictating terms, continued behaviors, etc. They are just proving what their now traumatized BS is already fearing about them... they are horrible spouses.


Disagree about the bolded part. Not taking responsability make things worse (imposible to me), lack of remorse, empathy make it worse (imposible to me, again), the rest is always a matter of perception (I believe all can seen as rugsweeping) and expectatives (many can think that not stepping up make things imposible too).


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

In my case had FWW confessed it would have put a different spin on things. (assuming I didn't later find out that I was about to find out anyway. Like OMs wife learned of it.) 

As it is, TT makes it all look WAYYYYYY worse. Because then it's not just an affair, it's a callous disregard for the well being of the BS. It also shows in some ways contempt for the BS, along with showing a lack of love. 

But when they lie to your face for months, you begin to question whether this person ever loved you. Whether they're capable of having feelings for anyone besides their self. 

It also destroys your opinion of the WS, in such a way that not only do you have the hurdle of the affair for R, you have all the vile acts that followed. 

R would be an entirely easier concept to swallow without the TT. For me it made me doubt whether FWW wanted to be with me at all. Or whether the discovery forced an R that wouldn't have happened otherwise.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

To me it does. I asked and he confirmed that he would (and probably is) still setting up hooks with others. I don't think he ever would have told me on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

awake1 said:


> In my case had FWW confessed it would have put a different spin on things. (assuming I didn't later find out that I was about to find out anyway. Like OMs wife learned of it.)
> 
> As it is, TT makes it all look WAYYYYYY worse. Because then it's not just an affair, it's a callous disregard for the well being of the BS. It also shows in some ways contempt for the BS, along with showing a lack of love.
> 
> ...


It doesn't matter whether they loved you or they did not... What matters is you are hurt, they didn't care enough NOT to hurt you like this... But also it matters that regardless, when this situation is started it usually turns out very very badly.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Acabado said:


> Disagree about the bolded part. Not taking responsability make things worse (imposible to me), lack of remorse, empathy make it worse (imposible to me, again), the rest is always a matter of perception (I believe all can seen as rugsweeping) and expectatives (many can think that not stepping up make things imposible too).


Actually you are correct. Doing nothing is almost as bad as doing worse stuff.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

awake1 said:


> In my case had FWW confessed it would have put a different spin on things. (assuming I didn't later find out that I was about to find out anyway. Like OMs wife learned of it.)
> 
> *As it is, TT makes it all look WAYYYYYY worse. *Because then it's not just an affair, it's a callous disregard for the well being of the BS. It also shows in some ways contempt for the BS, along with showing a lack of love.
> 
> ...


Absolutely - the WS may claim they are holding back facts to "save" you - in most cases they are doing it to save their own necks....

As to the second point - yes - not only do you have to get past the sex part but how they could repeatedly lie to your face. Since the WS lied to you repeatedly during the affair and now they are doing it again after the affair they place an even greater burden on their BS.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Mine half-confessed. Told me she had written him "I can't do this any more" but then she kept on contacting him through the internet for 3+ more months. And she completely hid the PA; I had to discover that. And yes, I'm still with her because she's one of those who's worth it. But I had to seriously think about what I was willing to live with, and if this was one of those things. 

Nothing in my life has ever cut me so deeply, and I've had lots of them.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Absolutely - the WS may claim they are holding back facts to "save" you - in most cases they are doing it to save their own necks....


Yup, exactly what fWW said. She didn't want to tell me because that would have hurt me. Ya THINK?? 

But later she admitted, by herself, that she was only protecting herself. She actually does have remorse, so that makes R a smidgen easier. Only a smidgen though.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Yup, exactly what fWW said. She didn't want to tell me because that would have hurt me. Ya THINK??
> 
> But later she admitted, by herself, that she was only protecting herself. *She actually does have remorse, so that makes R a smidgen easier. *Only a smidgen though.


That is the catch-22 a remorseful WS hurt you but can also be the one to really help you heal....


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the catch-22 a remorseful WS hurt you but can also be the one to really help you heal....


True, yet so incredibly phucked up.

I'm glad to not be anywhere near my WS anymore.

It's is so phucking weird to love the person that hurts you the most.

It's like a baby asking for mother's milk and getting stabbed in the leg as a result.

God I hate cheaters.

/end rant


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> True, yet so incredibly phucked up.
> 
> I'm glad to not be anywhere near my WS anymore.
> 
> ...


Was your WW remorseful at all?


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the catch-22 a remorseful WS hurt you but can also be the one to really help you heal....





Disenchanted said:


> True, yet so incredibly phucked up.


Indeed. Trying to depend on the WS to help you heal, can end up hurting you more than the cheating did in the first place.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> True, yet so incredibly phucked up.
> 
> I'm glad to not be anywhere near my WS anymore.
> 
> ...


Some of these WS may stab you in the leg in reality! They may figure they can get away with it.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Was your WW remorseful at all?


No not really.

"I think you're exaggerating" is what she told me when I asked her if she had any idea how badly she'd hurt me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> No not really.
> 
> "I think you're exaggerating" is what she told me when I asked her if she had any idea how badly she'd hurt me.


Wow..she's quite apiece of work...


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

100% without a shadow of a doubt the way I found out influenced my decision and subsequent actions.

My partner asked me to sit with her, then she confessed that she had a PA, gave me all the details, and hid nothing. 

The fact that she spared me from having to discover the A, her willingness to be truthful about the situation, and the fact that she chose not to lie about the circumstances, allowed me to eventually offer her a path to R by setting out my boundaries and requirements. 

It took a while for the fog to lift, but once it did, and she complied with what I needed to move forward, we began the hard work of R.

We are almost at the two year mark of R, things are good and continue to improve as we invest work into the R, and I can honestly say that her confession made it possible for me to consider this possibility. 

I can not say that if I had found out that we would not have attempted to R, but there would have been quite a bit more damage for me to deal with internally and could have prevented us from trying.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Paladin said:


> 100% without a shadow of a doubt the way I found out influenced my decision and subsequent actions.
> *
> My partner asked me to sit with her, then she confessed that she had a PA, gave me all the details, and hid nothing. *
> 
> ...



totally honesty from the outset no matter how ugly seems to actually be healthier then trying to "save the spouses feelings" thanks for sharing!!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Mine didn’t confess. I had to drag it out of her over a long 6 month period. The issue I had, is whom she had the PA with I had evidence of. So by the time she confessed, the damage was done. That started the TT. It gets bad when I’m on revision 4 of her timeline and it’s nearly 40 pages long.

Even worse, I still didn’t feel I had everything and continued to push. Another 8 months later she admitted the second PA. While I appreciate her finally admitting it, that was a shallow victory since I’d long ago decided to trust my gut that there were more. So it just confirmed my gut was more trustworthy rather than my perception of her as anything ‘honest’ for confessing. There are more bodies, my gut hasn’t been wrong yet.

She won’t recover my perception of her after that. She is a liar. She will always be a liar and not fully trusted.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Racer said:


> Mine didn’t confess. I had to drag it out of her over a long 6 month period. The issue I had, is whom she had the PA with I had evidence of. So by the time she confessed, the damage was done. That started the TT. It gets bad when I’m on revision 4 of her timeline and it’s nearly 40 pages long.
> 
> Even worse, I still didn’t feel I had everything and continued to push. Another 8 months later she admitted the second PA. While I appreciate her finally admitting it, that was a shallow victory since I’d long ago decided to trust my gut that there were more. So it just confirmed my gut was more trustworthy rather than my perception of her as anything ‘honest’ for confessing. There are more bodies, my gut hasn’t been wrong yet.
> 
> *She won’t recover my perception of her after that. She is a liar. She will always be a liar and not fully trusted*.


Trickle truthing is like setting off time bombs in your relationship. They just keep going off until they do so much damage that full recovery is impossible.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I just had this very conversation with my WH yesterday... Told him the thing that hurts me the most, was that after being given SO many opportunities to talk about what was going on with him, and all the denials, truth by omission, semantics with the word "affair" .... catching him in the lies and forcing a confession out of him after I discovered proof of at least one EA that I believe may have gone PA.. What hurts the most is that he CHOSE NOT to be honest and open with me when I was so badly wanting the truth to understand what had happened...It's the deceit and lies that are the salt in the gunshot wound you took to the back... I have to now question if this is part of his character or was it situational (good guy made bad decision...) I told him outright that I do not trust him and never will in the same way I did... every TT brings a new D day.... I could have been a lot farther along in my recovery if only he had showed some strength and had the balls to come clean at the beginning.....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

superspy said:


> I just had this very conversation with my WH yesterday... Told him the thing that hurts me the most, was that after being given SO many opportunities to talk about what was going on with him, and all the denials, truth by omission, semantics with the word "affair" .... catching him in the lies and forcing a confession out of him after I discovered proof of at least one EA that I believe may have gone PA.. *What hurts the most is that he CHOSE NOT to be honest and open with me when I was so badly wanting the truth to understand what had happened...It's the deceit and lies that are the salt in the gunshot wound you took to the back.*.. I have to now question if this is part of his character or was it situational (good guy made bad decision...) I told him outright that I do not trust him and never will in the same way I did... every TT brings a new D day.... I could have been a lot farther along in my recovery if only he had showed some strength and had the balls to come clean at the beginning.....


Absolutely an awful feeling...


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I just finished "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Infidelity" and my WH is now reading it. 

As it is a manual it's pretty short and to the point. it gives the betrayers 15 steps to take to successfully rebuild their relationship.
Unlike Paladin's WS, most of them miss steps 1 & 2, which are confessing first, before getting caught and, getting all the info and details out there immediately instead of trickle-truthing it, and my WH was no exception.

I wanted him to see how common this is and maybe some more insight into what I was feeling due to his actions during and after his EA, which also included the things he has done right, starting with step 3, after finally getting past 1 &2.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> No not really.
> 
> "I think you're exaggerating" is what she told me when I asked her if she had any idea how badly she'd hurt me.


They have no concept of the depth of your pain. They may see you fade into a ghost in their presense, but they never fully accept the amount of devistation they are causing. They never know until it's done to them.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Yup


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the catch-22 a remorseful WS hurt you but can also be the one to really help you heal....


My wife is a doctor of psychology and actually helped give me counselling after it all blew up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> My wife is a doctor of psychology and actually helped give me counselling after it all blew up.


OK that is a bit odd to me...kind of like a heart surgeon feeding you a high fat diet and then doing the bypass surgery on you....:scratchhead:


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Hey I eat almost an all fat diet and my heart disease indicators have never been better.

Paleo baby.

Oh and there are few people more screwed up than those in the mental health industry.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Hmmm.....the first affair hubby had 20 years ago, he came to me...and confessed (I had NO clue it was going on), his recent affair he did not come to me, I slowly started putting together the pieces...and even when I confronted him, he lied and made it out to be much less than it actually was. The truth slowly came out, after more digging on my part. I have found that I was able to let the anger and resentments go much easier after affair number one. This one....is driving me over the edge....


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh and there are few people more screwed up than those in the mental health industry.


QFT :lol:

My first wife's parents were MA and PhD in psych. What an effed up couple that was! Not to mention their daughter, as it took me about 7 years to figure out (married at 19...).


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Being Told is less hellish than actually catching them

Catching them tho - does kinda make it a concrete in your face no dissillusionment that it is going on 

BUT - I made it very clear before we became exclusive and eventually married that it was a Deal Breaker period. Have enough respect for me to get out before you cheat.

Either way...caught or told......Hasta La Vista Baby


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> *Being Told is less hellish than actually catching them
> *
> Catching them tho - does kinda make it a concrete in your face no dissillusionment that it is going on
> 
> ...


It shows at least a shred of conscious and remorse...


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Damn it what I wouldn't give to have any sense of conscience to this day. 

Just blank stares is all I get, like it's just not a big deal!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> Damn it what I wouldn't give to have any sense of conscience to this day.
> 
> Just blank stares is all I get, like it's just not a big deal!


Does your ex have other issues going on as well?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Depends on who you ask I spose.

You mean like throwing away the bess thing that ever happened or ever will happen to her? Yup, she has that issue.

Not like I'm looking for remorse, but we've got two kids and she expects us to be "friends" now. Like she really phucking thinks I'm gonna hang out with her or something.

BLECH.

I still think she had a personality crisis (some might call it mid life but I don't think she old enough, this all happened when she was 38).

Identity crisis.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> Depends on who you ask I spose.
> 
> You mean like throwing away the bess thing that ever happened or ever will happen to her? Yup, she has that issue.
> 
> ...


Civil - sure - friends - HELL NO


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I find it amazing that the cheaters seem to usually have one of two plans in mind when/ if they get caught. They will either walk away to the lovely new life that they have started with the AP, D the BS and be friends during the raising of the child(ren) and long after (yeah, nice pipe dream), or they will just move on like nothing happened and maintain the status quo, all the while maintaining that they did nothing wrong and it was all the BS's fault and the reason that they cheated and D in the first place (justification and blame shifting). None ever seem to think that they are hurting anyone in the process and everything will turn out rosy for all parties involved (including the child/ children).


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I find it amazing that the cheaters seem to usually have one of two plans in mind when/ if they get caught. They will either walk away to the lovely new life that they have started with the AP, D the BS and be friends during the raising of the child(ren) and long after (yeah, nice pipe dream), or they will just move on like nothing happened and maintain the status quo, all the while maintaining that they did nothing wrong and it was all the BS's fault and the reason that they cheated and D in the first place (justification and blame shifting). None ever seem to think that they are hurting anyone in the process and everything will turn out rosy for all parties involved (including the child/ children).


True, during the first EA my deluded WH thought about moving across the country to be with the OW ,he had never actually met, and sending for our two boys , at that time age 4 & 11, for the summers. He really thought that would be an option. Um...no! Never happened, so he went the other route. I made him unhappy, I neglected him, I tried to give him too little too late when I found out. It took a while for him to realize only HE was responsible for his unhappy state, something he had decided to foster once he got entangled with the B$%&#.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Damn it what I wouldn't give to have any sense of conscience to this day.
> 
> Just blank stares is all I get, like it's just not a big deal!


I wouldn't tell you to hold your breath, but you never know.

I don't know if it's all I'm going to get from him but last Monday was the first time since DDAY (Mid-August) 2012 that I actually saw any shame in my XWS when we discussed how he had treated me. We were both crying buckets and he wasn't faking this time or crying for himself this time.

Discounting the crocodile tears I got when I discovered (he didn't confess) and confronted him post d-day, he acted like he lacked any conscience or remorse at all. Before that, it was usually defensiveness, minimizing, clamming up or another excuse to end the conversation. I never thought I'd see the day that he'd take any true ownership or express shame in what he'd done.

I don't want to hold my breath or get my hopes up waiting for more though because like I said, it might be all I'm going to get and if that's the case, I'm done. Still, it's a big difference when it comes to him so who knows?! 


As for the original question, I don't think a confession would have lessened my anger, though I can't say for sure because WS was caught by me instead. Still, I think a confession on his part would have just been a ploy at the time to get the upper hand in some way. It wouldn't be altruistic given at where his head and behaviour was back then. He was so entitled and cruel. Only recently has any of the fog began to lift and we're a year out of DDay.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Interesting Miss. My dday was August 5 2012. 

I'm not expecting anything like what you got.

I think the hardest part was watching my wife fall in love with another man. Oh she denied it, but every day I would come home from work and she would be more and more giddy, unable to contain it.

"Love", yeah right. Dopamine.

She denied the physical part for ever, I watched the EA as it developed, she even involved my children. They looked up to the guy cause she'd bring them to his house every day.

She has no idea what she's done.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I wouldn't tell you to hold your breath, but you never know.
> 
> I don't know if it's all I'm going to get from him but last Monday was the first time since DDAY (Mid-August) 2012 that I actually saw any shame in my XWS when we discussed how he had treated me. We were both crying buckets and he wasn't faking this time or crying for himself this time.
> 
> ...


Interesting point - the WS has lied and manipulated so much that even if they attempt honesty it is viewed as another attempt at manipulation....which it very well could be...


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