# Split before they actually part



## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

I think it is sad that couples let their relationships get so bad that affairs start happening, wether it is online emotional affairs
or porm or whatever.. what ever happened to admiting to oneself that it is over ........ and apologising and thanking their partner for the memories , now lets seperate and move on!! seems to be much more honest and full of integrity than the garbage that is happening today........ its a mess, i have decided "my partner is not going to use "guilt" on me to keep me because of some insecurity he has from his childhood... that is not fair to dump that on my lap........any more than it is fair to dump my childhood stuff on his lap......if the marriage is over!! face it and move on 

seems to me that these are all the results of a broken marriage that should have been fixed or burried and the partners should move their own seperate ways

I know of so many people who are absolutely miserable , unhappy not in love but they stay together ( for what ever reasons) conveinience financial or some religious belief that no body can live up to anyways.... and it almost destroys everyone in the process

so why do it ??? i cant wrap my head around that one...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Lots of adults marry with boatloads of issues, taking their problems out on the spouse. Lots of immature, irresponsible adults too.
It's too bad its so easy to get married. 
I guess its like that as there is so much money to be made off bad marriages and divorce.
dunno...
but I met lots of guys that were totally insane, who were wanting to marry. Plenty of them out there really out of touch with whats realistic. Guess they look for someone who doesn't know any better.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

People take marriage for granted these days...there is some incompatibility out there I'll give you that. But there's a lot of laziness as well. Alot of the time, people take the easy way out because it's much easier to run than to self evaluate and fix one's self.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes rhea I don't think people take marriages serious enough. What happened to working? Its called the labor of love for a reason. If marriages were easy then we would all stay mareired. Facts are when tke for worse happens most run. Prole need to take theor vows more serious. My wife thinks she can go from childhood to marriage to mother 2 times over back to teenager. Once you mzke that decision to move forward no going back. Work harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

I dunno. I think there's a possibility relationships simply run their course, even within marriage. Let's put the kids issue aside for a moment. 

Every other relationship changes and evolves as time goes by. We may have a BFF in high school and naturally drift apart as time goes by. I had the tightest, closest friendship with a woman (best friends) for about 2-3 years, we were as tight as you can imagine; then she moved out of the area and we have lost touch and gone our separate ways. Do I cherish the time we had together? Immensely. Do I think we will ever be like we were before? Nope. Do I think it's a bad thing we will never be like we were before? Nope.

ALL other relationships, even parent-child relationships... evolve and change.. Why do we cling so much to the relationships within marriages? Why can't we just gracefully let them go when they are over... and YES I DO think sometimes they are just "over." Do we have to create problems such as addiction, affairs, abuse, etc. in order to let them go? 

Before people go on about upholding vows, etc.... I actually went and checked my vows from 15 years ago... interestingly, it did NOT include the phrases: "till death do us part", or "for better or worse." Instead it said "will you stand beside him, whatever may come?"

Then again I am not a religious person and I would never stay in a marriage just because of some words I uttered (and didn't really think through) 15 years ago. The "what about your vows" reason holds very little weight for me. Just being truthful.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> Before people go on about upholding vows, etc.... I actually went and checked my vows from 15 years ago... interestingly, it did NOT include the phrases: "till death do us part", or "for better or worse." Instead it said "will you stand beside him, whatever may come?"
> .


Isn't that just another way of saying for better or worse??? I don't know but it looks like it. I respect other views of how people look at marriage. I guess it depends on how you were married. The place you were married should be your beliefs and follow them.. If you were married in a church follow them. If it was in a municipal building then them. If it was Vegas might as well get divorced.


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

Rhea said:


> People take marriage for granted these days...there is some incompatibility out there I'll give you that. But there's a lot of laziness as well. Alot of the time, people take the easy way out because it's much easier to run than to self evaluate and fix one's self.



Hi, yes I understand there are incompatibility's after all we are unique individuals, ie) I may love sci fi' movies, he may love comedy . Or she is a vegetarian and he is meat lover, Or she loves Jazz and he loves country... those are differences which can be respected as part of the individual which makes one an individual.... If couples are seperating and or divorcing over their individuality, then they obvisously are to imature to be married in the first place, I don't even know that laziness is the culprit, but just ignorance. 

What I am speaking of , is when a marriage is long over( usually other people see it but themselves) .... and the couple or individuals refuse to see this, so they stay together mentaly and physically effected to the point that they need counceling just to be healthy individuals again, because they gave away far to much of their esteem , their sense of self, they compramised their very integrity for the sake of a contract that they failed....

like to people going to war , but dont realise the war is over


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

In relationships people tend to lose a lot of themselves and blend as a couple. I see it with my thinking. I know my wife lost herself in our marriage. The problems occur when one person wants to change and be different. That is fine but if the other doesn't want to work with the other person then we have an issue. Marriages need a lot of compromise and forgivness. They also require a lot of work.. Some never see that until after the damage is done..


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Yes rhea I don't think people take marriages serious enough. What happened to working? Its called the labor of love for a reason. If marriages were easy then we would all stay mareired. Facts are when tke for worse happens most run. Prole need to take theor vows more serious. My wife thinks she can go from childhood to marriage to mother 2 times over back to teenager. Once you mzke that decision to move forward no going back. Work harder.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



ok so do you interpret "Til death do us part" as a written gaurantee?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

poetprose said:


> ok so do you interpret "Til death do us part" as a written gaurantee?



marry later in life or to a certain type person.. and yep.. its a graurentee.

I feel the problem with marriage is one person, usually the woman has to work too hard to keep it going. More women should do what I did and find someone who is willing to keep things going on the right track, and do the work of a mariage.

Perhaps some people are desperate to marry or something ? as they marry people who are not marriage worthy or even partner material.
Too much rushing to marry and not enough sunstance to keep it going....
or worse, they base it on lust and sex.
Those marriages end up the worst of all marriages.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

"Too much rushing to marry and not enough substance to keep it going"...I think that just about sums up my answer. And I do agree some marriages are just OVER! Nothing anyone can do about it, when's its over, its over. I know an old couple who hate being around each other, the wife cheated and had a baby with the other man. the husband is a male chauvinist and they've been married for over 30 yrs and they sleep in separate rooms lol and they do not believe in divorce. Is it possible to stay in LIKE for that long?? I know love can lasts forever, but will it always outweigh the bad?


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> In relationships people tend to lose a lot of themselves and blend as a couple. I see it with my thinking. I know my wife lost herself in our marriage. The problems occur when one person wants to change and be different. That is fine but if the other doesn't want to work with the other person then we have an issue. Marriages need a lot of compromise and forgivness. They also require a lot of work.. Some never see that until after the damage is done..


Do you think that one "wants" to change , or that "change" happens, and it is a matter of seeing if the change can be encorporated into the marriage ?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Of course it depends on the change. If the one that wants to change and says they will be a stripper. Obviously thats going to strain the marriage more. We all change as we get older. It is very normal.. It's hard though as humans we tend to be creatures of habit. So any change will bring anxious moments. I see it with my wife trying to have a social life. I am more nervous about her chatting and text messages. Well I had reason for that one. Still it made me insecure. Now I am adjusting. For one shes not closing her windows when I come over. It makes me feel that there isn't something going on then.. I told her this was the best way to incorporate a new change in her life..


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

preso said:


> marry later in life or to a certain type person.. and yep.. its a graurentee.
> 
> I feel the problem with marriage is one person, usually the woman has to work too hard to keep it going. More women should do what I did and find someone who is willing to keep things going on the right track, and do the work of a mariage.
> 
> ...




I think the "Til death do us part" 

Reminds me of a Union pension gaurantee by a company, 
why work for it when you have a gaurantee anyway


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

I though over the 20 years my h has changed but just looking back on my life he has stayed the same only gotten more horrible and I have changed as I have decided no longer to put up with it and am starting to things for me. I have done everything for him since we got together as his mum died a year or two later but am now putting me and the kids first and he does not like it at all. If it is not about him he is not happy. All I did last night was paint my nails because I felt like it, for me not for him or anyone else but he cannot handle it as I would not normally do this to please him.

I think women do work a lot harder in marriages as they try a lot harder to keep things together.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Valium,
I see this every where but in my situation my wife sits and waits. This is what she calls working on it. If 10 years ago I left my wife she would NEVER chase me. She always tells me she is insecure and low self esteeme.. I just wish for once somebody would chase me... I guess it's been a long time since I felt wanted. Maybe she can see that's a problem.. Naaaaa My wife isn't that deep.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Years ago I would do anything to please my h because I love him and do still love him, but he was constantly horrible to me etc and I thought that maybe it was my fault for a long time. I was always the one who made up and would give up anything for him. I have had a hard time trying to sort myself out and figure out it is not my fault and get myself back on track but now he does not like that. I did not feel loved and still do not.

Maybe she does not feel loved? maybe she does not feel wanted. I do not understand what you mean when you say she sits and waits? for what.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You hit the nail on the head.. I wasn't the best husband to her. I didn't make her feel loved. In fact I ignored her. Yet she doesn't see why I did. I was doing everything and getting little help in our daily life.. It was bad communication and expectations on both sides for years...

As for her sitting and waiting. She said she gave us 5 years and nothing changed. Yet she did NOTHING to improve herself. Her way of expecting change is seeing what I do first.. I am trying though. Yet she thinks I am going through motions.. I will continue to try...


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

sorry for prying but it does help to get a better perspective. My h was not nice to me for so long and I did everything, worked full time, raised 2 kids and him being the 3rd, did everything in the house etc with no thanks and then he had an emtional affair with my bf. Now my daughter hates him and she is still at high school. She thinks I am a door mat and has even told me so. She rolls her eyes when he starts. I love him but he does not believe me as I have changed and am a strong person but nothing putting up with the rubish


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I read a good thing about people taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions within a marriage and how this is such a major source of growth. The converse is true -- when it is up to the other person to change, when everything is the other person's fault, the only thing you get is stalemate. 

On topic, a lot of people don't leave because they're afraid. They will have to admit failure to others. They will suffer financial and social setbacks. They'll be alone. They may lose access to their kids or their stuff. So, they stay and try to cope through all sorts of really destructive behaviors.

In the long run, it is really cheaper and easier to work on yourself and your marriage than it is to dig yourself in deeper. I don't think people understand the cost, especially in terms of the time they're wasting.

When I divorced, I was commited to divorce. Things were to the point where anything else looked like a better deal. 

This time around I am so totally conscious of how important my marriage is to me. And yes, this time I took those vows seriously. The previous time I was just mouthing the words. My head is in a completely different place now. I think you could say that I grew up. I'm responsible for my marriage. I'm responsible for developing healthy ways to deal with things that bother me. I'm responsible for getting what I want out of life.

A good therapist helps, too. There are a lot of therapists out there, but I don't know if they're all good. And I don't know that even a good therapist is necessarily the right fit for everyone. I've finally found one and coupled with my (ahem) maturity, I'm starting to figure out what I'm really feeling so that I don't respond to the wrong things. IOW, if I have an underlying feeling of insecurity and my spouse does something, say, stays out with the boys too late, rather than responding to his staying out which is really no big deal because he isn't doing anything wrong, I can respond to my insecurity and talk about that. It doesn't require a change on his part because he's not doing anything wrong. But he can be aware and he can reassure me and I can reassure myself. (That's the most important part.)

(My husband doesn't stay out with the boys so this is just a "for instance.")

People don't split because they don't take responsibility. People also don't solve their problems for a lot of the same reasons.

(Relationships where there is abuse or addiction are different.)


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Valium,

See your life and situation is a lot worse then mine.. Not to dump on you just can't understand how my wife can throw away our marriage when I provide and do so much for our life.. I have a lot of the women jobs and the man jobs. All I ever wanted from my wife is to be my partner and to love me.. Yet I couldn't get it. All I get is blame and excuses.... Very tough to be in my situation..


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