# 52 years old and lost



## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

Soooo....Where do I start? I know no one can tell me what to do, that I have to figure it out on my own. But I'm just so confussed. I've been married for 28 years. I pretty much knew after 5 that I had made a mistake, but stuck it out for my kids sake. First off...my husband is not a bad person in anyway. He has been a good father and a good provider. He just doesn't have a clue about what I need or how I feel. Even though I have spelled it out for him MANY times, he choose to ignore it all and pretend like everything was ok. I guess I emotionally checked out of the relationship years ago. Now my kids are grown and gone and I'm even more lost. I think I deserve to be happy in life, but I just can't deal with the hurt he feels and it's keeping me frozen. I met someone two years ago, that I have fallen completely in love with. Someone that I enjoy being with, laugh with, love with and that I turly believe is my soulmate. He was in an unhappy marriage too and divorced his wife a year ago. We have spent many times together over the last two years and I long to leave my husband and start a life with my soulmate. I actually did leave for awhile, but my husband hounded me so badly that I felt like I had no choice but to go back. I've been back six months and try as I might I just can't get those feelings back. We have been to counsling and that has not worked. Mainly because he has such a closed mind. I DO NOT love my husband anymore. I care about him and want good things for him, but fear what he might do to himself if I go. The love of my life lives in another state, which makes it even harder for me to leave. I would have to leave my job, home and grown kids. I truly believe that we could make a go of it though and be very happy. My Soulmate and I have made plans and arrangements for me to leave and move in with him. It;s what I want but I am soooo scared and not sure if I can get the courage up to do what I want in this life. Is there anyone else that has gone though this? I really don't want to go through the rest of my life just going through the motions for everyone else's sake.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Despite what most people think, the grass is not greener on the other side, good luck with your decision
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tell your children that you are cheating on their father so that they can support him.


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

It always amazes me how people only see one side of a story....what about all the years that I have done the Right thing. Been a good wife, been a good mother DESPITE never having any communication or affection. Despite being talked down to all the time. DESPITE telling him point blank what I needed. Despite me asking for counsiling years ago only to hear that's just for crazy people. Now that its too late he's gungho. Maybe I Need some support too. I realize that the cheating part is not a good thing at all and should never have went that far. But if things were the way they should be in a marriage, an affair would never have happened. I am a good person that deserves love and respect and happiness too. Not to live in a pretend life.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

When you get the courage to take that step, don't be surprised if your children ask you why you didn't do it earlier. Of course, they will be stunned at first, but then they will start to remember how alone you were.

Starting at 22 years of marriage, I began to realize just how alone I was in my marriage. As a husband of a woman who is bipolar, I loved her, but she was the focus of our relationship. In my case, faced with divorce, she asked for a 2nd chance, so we're working on it.

Its hard to say that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence when you are standing in a field with very little grass. Its also hard to see that there are really bad marriages out there where the husband or wife is not abusive, alcoholic or addicted to drugs. They are just completely one-sided. Only you can fill in the spaces between the lines of your post, so I'll refrain from calling you selfish. 

Your husband will hurt when seeing you with a new life, even if it isn't with a new husband. I really would urge you to take some time to get to know yourself before committing to this other man. You went from something empty to something that feels so perfect, but I suspect that you haven't taken time to just be confortable in your own skin, alone. If nothing else, this gives you a chance to understand the patterns that you developed to cope with the marriage, and how some of these could be dangerous with this new man. I see this because the people on this site have helped me to see that I had a tendency to just give and give without holding my wife accountable. Another woman would see my habitual actions as stifling, or controlling.

Whatever you choose, I hope your future is full of happiness.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your selfishness is so apparent it's blinding my eyes.

If this so-called soulmate was trully that you'd be divorcing and marrying him.

But since what's really happening is that you are rewriting your marital history to be fine with cheating, you will not take the simple step of doing the right things.

I predict that as soon as you are fully available Mr soulmate will move on to the nxt married woman he can help to screw up her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

Halien....Thank you so much for the insite. It helps alot when people in Simular situations can offer some real heart felt advice. 
It's a rough situation all the way around for sure. Trying to take everyone's feelings into account and to be as kind as possible.
And Michzz...if I Truly were a selfish person....I would have just said the hell with everyone's else's feelings and done what I wanted to do already!! I'm sorry that you have been hurt and it's apparent in your words, but we all have blame to share in the demise of a relationship if we truly look at. It's not black and white by any means


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I bet her children would have a different story. They probably see a ton of good things that went on during the marriage. They won't paint it as black and white (mom good and bad dad). They aren't blinded by the 'soulmate'.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

lostsoul52 said:


> Halien....Thank you so much for the insite. It helps alot when people in Simular situations can offer some real heart felt advice.
> It's a rough situation all the way around for sure. Trying to take everyone's feelings into account and to be as kind as possible.
> And Michzz...if I Truly were a selfish person....I would have just said the hell with everyone's else's feelings and done what I wanted to do already!! I'm sorry that you have been hurt and it's apparent in your words, but we all have blame to share in the demise of a relationship if we truly look at. It's not black and white by any means


Kinda like how the hitter's fist hurts after smashing into their victim's face?

Yeah, lots of blame for the pain of an affair to go around. Nobody made you cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

Actually the grown children already know about the OM. And they have known for years that I have not been happy. And I would Never try to say negative things about their father to try to justify my actions. That is not what this is about. It's about two people that lost site of a relationship until it died. One moved on, the other lives in denial. They have good parents in each of us.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The good parent would leave and then move on!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SadSamIAm said:


> The good parent would leave and then move on!


Exactly .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

People do you not realize these children are 26 and 29...not children!! We live our lives for our children, they don't live their lives for us. The "good" parent did what she had to for her children for years..they are great kids with their own life's now..why can't you see that! This is about what happens with the rest of MY life!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lostsoul52 said:


> Soooo....Where do I start? I know no one can tell me what to do, that I have to figure it out on my own. But I'm just so confussed. I've been married for 28 years. I pretty much knew after 5 that I had made a mistake, but stuck it out for my kids sake. First off...my husband is not a bad person in anyway. He has been a good father and a good provider. He just doesn't have a clue about what I need or how I feel. Even though I have spelled it out for him MANY times, he choose to ignore it all and pretend like everything was ok. I guess I emotionally checked out of the relationship years ago. Now my kids are grown and gone and I'm even more lost. I think I deserve to be happy in life, but I just can't deal with the hurt he feels and it's keeping me frozen. I met someone two years ago, that I have fallen completely in love with. Someone that I enjoy being with, laugh with, love with and that I turly believe is my soulmate. He was in an unhappy marriage too and divorced his wife a year ago. We have spent many times together over the last two years and I long to leave my husband and start a life with my soulmate. I actually did leave for awhile, but my husband hounded me so badly that I felt like I had no choice but to go back. I've been back six months and try as I might I just can't get those feelings back. We have been to counsling and that has not worked. Mainly because he has such a closed mind. I DO NOT love my husband anymore. I care about him and want good things for him, but fear what he might do to himself if I go. The love of my life lives in another state, which makes it even harder for me to leave. I would have to leave my job, home and grown kids. I truly believe that we could make a go of it though and be very happy. My Soulmate and I have made plans and arrangements for me to leave and move in with him. It;s what I want but I am soooo scared and not sure if I can get the courage up to do what I want in this life. Is there anyone else that has gone though this? I really don't want to go through the rest of my life just going through the motions for everyone else's sake.





lostsoul52 said:


> It always amazes me how people only see one side of a story....what about all the years that I have done the Right thing. Been a good wife, been a good mother DESPITE never having any communication or affection. Despite being talked down to all the time. DESPITE telling him point blank what I needed. Despite me asking for counsiling years ago only to hear that's just for crazy people. Now that its too late he's gungho. Maybe I Need some support too. I realize that the cheating part is not a good thing at all and should never have went that far. But if things were the way they should be in a marriage, an affair would never have happened. I am a good person that deserves love and respect and happiness too. Not to live in a pretend life.


This sounds somewhat like my x wife. It created a puzzle for me. You say your husband doesn't have a clue about how you feel or what you need even though you have spelled it out many times. This sounds like my x wife. In the end, she spoke about deserving to be happy, being talked down to, no communication, yet, she never indicated she was that unhappy until the end when she said it was "too late." I have learned from life and this forum that men and women are emotionally just on two different fields and that makes it difficult to understand each other.

I agree with a statement that someone made in another forum that: "All women are crazy when measured by a man's logical analysis, and all men are crazy when measured by a woman's emotional barometer." i think that is true and makes connection difficult. 

For example, my wife claimed she laid it out to me a lot of times, yet I honestly couldn't remember anything significant that she said. By my way of thinking, we were financially secure, had our dream house, had beautiful children, had a drama free life, had good jobs, neither of us were abusive, and the list goes on. With a list of positives like that, I just couldn't understand how me not being excited about vacations, playing board games with her family, and not being available for "listening" at the drop of a hat was life changing, so I guess I didn't give it the attention it needed. Does that mean "I was right?" No, it just means that is the way my brain worked. She may have spelled it out to me, but she never "got my attention." 

I feel like she issued some mild thunderstorm warnings, but in the end, I discovered she expected me to react as though a three-prong tornado was coming. Being that i didn't, it was too late in her eyes to save the marriage.

Once my wife "got my attention," then she said it was too late. I told her I would be willing to do anything to make it work, but she wasn't interested. I never understood that. It seemed that because I didn't react when and how she wanted, I could just "stick it" now that I was willing to work on our marriage. 

As for "if things were the way they should be in a marriage, an affair would never have happened." I don't know all your details, but the way things "should be" I'm sure would be different for different people. 

Aside from staying for the kids, were there any other reasons for staying 28 years? 

What made you realize it was a mistake after 5 years.

Speaking of happiness, perhaps people's happiness barometers are different too, but I'm wondering, how unhappy could you have been if you stayed 28 years? I guess it takes a lot to make me unhappy, but if I am truly unhappy and miserable with something, I can't put on a happy face and just go on; something has to give in a reasonable amount of time. 

I had to comment because there were similarities with my situation, but I'm sure it's been a rambling mess.


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

No I appreciate your comments southbound....not rambling...just takes alot to say what we feel. You are exactly right...men and women think completely diffently. But if you have a good relationship, you should be able to actively listen and communicate and try to fix things. When you (both) just half listen and don't really hear (that blank stare look we get) or care what the other is saying...that takes a toll. I stayed for the kids #1 and because of all the time put in. But at what point do you say enough is enough. I Live a Lie....that's not good for anyone!


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## lostsoul52 (Jul 22, 2011)

Here is what they call the walk away wife syndrome....it's EXTREMLY True.....
Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your user name tells me all I need to know. You will never be a "found" soul until you do right by everyone--including yourself. Cheating is NEVER the solution to any problem. It only creates more problems. If you aren't happy in a marriage, then you either fix those problems or get a divorce. You don't go out adding more problems to your pile. Unfortunately your pile of problems will continue to grow deeper on your current path. Ideally you need to probably get a divorce, stop all contact with the other man, and get individual counseling. You may then find your soul and gain real perspective on life.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't buy having a pithy label for hating your husband as justying cheating. 

You basically stole 23 years from him and a chance for a different life by keeping this secret disdainful attitude during your marriage. Topping it off with physically cheating?

You chose to stay for financial gain. You do not respect your husband. At least now divorce him and let him live the truth if his life unfettered by you.

Since you have this "soulmate" I imagine that you won't insist on spousal support as that would be the decent thing to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Your user name tells me all I need to know. You will never be a "found" soul until you do right by everyone--including yourself. Cheating is NEVER the solution to any problem. It only creates more problems. If you aren't happy in a marriage, then you either fix those problems or get a divorce. You don't go out adding more problems to your pile. Unfortunately your pile of problems will continue to grow deeper on your current path. Ideally you need to probably get a divorce, stop all contact with the other man, and get individual counseling. You may then find your soul and gain real perspective on life.


:iagree:




michzz said:


> Since you have this "soulmate" I imagine that you won't insist on spousal support as that would be the decent thing to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

My x and I were not rich, but I managed the money well and managed to save a nice amount. She told me during the divorce that everything was about money to me. She seemed to think my money management was silly, yet I noticed that she was ok with taking half of it, so apparently it wasn't too silly.


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## sixteen miles (Jan 5, 2011)

This is a very sad situation, It seems as though you are searching for a "justification" here. I agree with the poster who stated you have lost all respect for your husband. Without respect there can be no love.

Cheating is never, ever the answer and is wrong, no matter what the cause of it originally was. You need to move on with what is now deep inside your heart and you alone need to be comfortable with that. You will not find the answer here, you already have the answer in your heart.

Good luck with that decision and choose wisely.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

lostsoul52 said:


> Here is what they call the walk away wife syndrome....it's EXTREMLY True.....
> Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?
> 
> In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.
> ...



I believe there is a lot of truth in this statement. It goes both ways I know several men who have been walkaway husbands after their had left the house.


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## sunnez (May 9, 2011)

I truly do not believe in cheating on a spouse not matter how bad the marriage is... If you are that miserable you need to get a divorce. I was previously married for almost 20 years, when I finally asked my ex to leave the kids were thrilled !!! I was in shock they were so happy. He was having affairs, never spent time with the kids. I did not start dating till 4 years after he was gone, you need time to be on your own and see if you truly want to be with this other man or not, jumpy from one to the other is not a good idea in my opinion.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

I love this quote from Bob Marley: 

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I am not perfect and I don't have to be! Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." ....

Although I'm not here to judge and I have never walked in your shoes, I don't believe in cheating. Having said that, your husband is a big boy, you need to sit him down and be honest with him about how you feel about him, your marriage and OM. After you come clean, then you could file for divorce and move on with your life.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lostsoul52 said:


> It always amazes me how people only see one side of a story.


 Actually, in case you did not notice, the only side that we have heard is yours. It is just that you are so wrong that even with hearing only your side we disagree with you.

Just imagine what we would be saying if your husband told us his side. Like how when you started to cheat on him you began to rewrite history to justify your dishonesty. Like how when you started to cheat you checked out and never gave the marriage a real chance to heal. Like how you are not really giving MC a chance because MC cannot work as long as you have the OM in your life.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

lostsoul52 said:


> Here is what they call the walk away wife syndrome....it's EXTREMLY True.....
> Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?
> 
> In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.
> ...


Wow...I really wish I had read this post a year ago. I'm 50, Married 16 years. You described my marriage perfectly. Four months ago, my 14 year old told me one night, "Mom's staying with her (girl)friend tonight." That wasn't particularly unusual. The next day, I called my mother (from work) to figure out what time we were all meeting to go out for dinner. I asked my mom, "so, what's the plan?" She burst into tears on the phone and said, "You tell me!" That's how I found out that life as I knew it was over.

Fast forward three months. Despite all my efforts to determine what's wrong and work to fix it, my wife was not willing to even consider that there might be something to save. So, now, we're on the inevitable path to the big D.

If I had recognized the signs from your post, which seem so clear now, perhaps things would have gone differently. Perhaps not. I'll never know.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

lostsoul52 said:


> Now that its too late he's gungho.


Please explain this. Do you mean he's "gungho" on fixing things now, but you're not interested because it's too late?

There are two philosophies on divorce here. Some find it to be an acceptable alternative and some don't. It sounds like you do and your mind is already made up. So, go with my blessing.

You are right. There ARE two sides to every story and I'd love to hear his. If what you describe above is accurate, then go. My story is similar to yours. If I found divorce to be a simpler alternative I'd have been gone to the other one in seconds. But if my wife were suddenly truly "gungho" about fixing things, I'd do it.

What do you want from us? Permission, or advice?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

papa5280 said:


> I asked my mom, "so, what's the plan?" She burst into tears on the phone and said, "You tell me!" That's how I found out that life as I knew it was over.


Not the same path, but I had a moment like that also. One second your life is one way and suddenly, TWO SECONDS LATER, your past, present AND future come crumbling down.

You women HAVE TO TALK TO US!!!!!!!!!!! We don't read minds and we're not that smart.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As I was reading this I wondered if it was my wife! Change a couple of things for privacy, such as ages of the children, toss in a separation (we haven't had one), and I could believe it was my wife.

For the benefit of any woman who is in this position, just tell your husband. If this really were my wife I would honestly want her to tell me. The path to the least amount of pain is open honesty even when the news is negative or difficult.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> we all have blame to share in the demise of a relationship if we truly look at. It's not black and white by any means


I sooo disagree with this.

A cheater is a cheater and there is NO justification to do that to someone.

You have a choice. You can divorce. You choose not to and convince yourself it's because your H has threatened his life. That somehow, in your mind, makes cheating right.

It's still wrong, no matter which way you slice it.


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

Stories like this scare the hell out of me. I would be devastated if my wife of 20 years decided to call it quits. I'm going to redouble my efforts using your experiences as a guide.


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