# need advice on whether to divorce or not..?



## bandy (Jul 18, 2012)

i am going thru a very rough situation rite now..

me and my husband we got separated but not yet divorced...
couple of incidents happened which led to our separation...
from beginning he want to leave me for every small reason...everytime there should be someone to convince him tht i ll change for him etc etc....i tried impressing him but everything went vain...he gets angry for some or the other reason..
sometimes i never used to understand for what reason he is getting angry with me....we stayed together for 2 and half years and from the past one yr we r living separately...he is on his own...unless until i mail him or unless until i call him he doesnt even bother to talk to me....everytime i ask him about the relation he says its over for him...
though he made up his mind to leave me but atleast some point he should have missed me right?...but that never happened....i am not able to digest...how cum he can be so insensitive to me...i feel time heals everything...but almost 1 yrs is to pass...still he doesnt seem to change...nor bothers to think abt me....
but i still love him....i am not able to do anything without him...all the time i am simply wasting by thinking about him...how ccan he be so insensitive to me ...how dont he miss me at all...blah blah....sometimes i do mail him my frustrations but dont get a reply from him...which even pisses me off....
i love him ...i want him to change...understand my problem too and get back to me....but that is not happening...
the problems i have with him are :

initially he was good to me at the time of marriage..i had some misunderstanding with my mother in law and from then 
she started telling all negative things about me to him....he is so close to his mother tht i havent seen someone sharing 
every small detail...whatever she says he follows....without thinking a bit...he never tries to understand my point of view...no matter how truthfully i behave..she misinterprets and feeds tht to my hubby....adding to this he doesnt like me but married just coz of his parents force....he has problem with my weight...always nags about it...makes me uncomfortable...i felt he doesnt like me and my confidence levels dropped...whenever i ask him why he is not that close to me he says i dont look sexy....but seriously every other guy likes to be with me except my husband..he wants someone very skinny and my body built is not made that way.....so right from our initial days of marriage we struggled being close to eack other....simple words we r not that close to each other and our sex life sucks....he has his own expectations i have my own....our thinking levels doesnt match at all...
he has problems in trusting me,he shares everything about me to his parents...but doesnt like me sharing anything to my parents.i started sharing with them only when things got more worser and i just told them to relieve my stress...he spies on me whether i am mailing them about our issues etc...i wonder if at all u get a doubt on your partner is it good to spy on him/her....??...
he is good at heart but thinks foolishly and narrowly....pinpoints everything i do...whenever he points me...i used to say 
about him and how he is treating me...
he never shares anything important like financial matters...investments...salary..reason is i share them with my parents...i really dont get if at all i share them with my parents whats a big deal in it..
he doesnt consider my opinions ....besides he even doesnt tell me about such things...only i get to know about them whenver he talks to his parents...he discusses everything with his mother before doing anything but doesnt say anything to me...
i always feel so alienated at such times...he doesnt give money for my own needs...he just provides food..and basic clothing....if at all i want to buy something tht i like ..he feels its waste of money to spend on me...if he spends a single dollar on me he expects me to be so happy and not to complain....
thigns got worse when his parents came to stay with us..his mother as usual made a mess...they talk all important matters when i wasnt there....when i used to join them they used to change to some other topic...he never like the idea of me working...i became pregnant by chance and he made me have an abortion saying that things r not fine between us and why to have a baby now...at times i feel wht he said is right but i am not able to forgive myself that i accepted his decision and aborted my baby...
whenever we have an argument...he uses words for me...at times abuses me physically...for that also he says he behaved in that way because i have irritated him...
he behaves as if he is born only to serve his family...spends lots of money on them...
for every small argument he ends up saying lets separate...always i requested him convinced him to be with him...but finally the day has come which wasnt in my control and we got separated...he made me pack my bags ..thats was the worst day in my life...then i didnt do a certain thing from my side even which involved his career...things got even worser....all he wants now is a divorce...
no matter what has happend there were good times even but sad part is the bad things r dominating...
but still i love him...i dont get angry on him..i feels he behaves foolishly....is spoiling my life and his life too....but thinking that way is my foolishness coz he moved on with his career...not bothering about me.didnt even inform me about his whereabouts....its only when i got to know through someone i confronted him thru mails and then he replied back about what he is doing rite now...

my future with him is dark....dont know if at all he ll change or not...staying alone is also like hell to me...some of my male friends are taking advantage of this fact ...though i have declined their proximity to me...i am feeling very bad about myself rite now....i dont know if at all i should go back to him no matter how he treats me...or be on my own and live my own life letting him go....i dont think i can be with some other man again...the main problem is he always wants to leave me ...if at all i go back to him....some point some argument happens and again he says the golden words divorce...i cant handle myself if that happens again....i am not knowing what to do...many of my friends are advicing me if i still drag on for more years of time coz i probably lose chances of getting some one good in future since i would cross my 20's...i would be 28 this year...and am wondering if at all i should take risking my marriage....also i dont see any good being with him except for the fact that i love him and cant be without him....i dont know if i should bein touch with him or should act as if i moved on with my life...almost it ll turn 1 yr since we separated and am still dwelling on him...not able to move on...not able to get back to my career...feeling like my world has reached saturation point...

i am sorry for my long mail but i really want some of you to advice me on my situation....


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

HELL NO HONEY!

How controlling is this man here...100%

WHy are you putting up with it? I dont understand how you can let someone degrade you, demean you, invalidate you, decieve you so consistantly. What is it that you are staying for?

I am sorry for you, really. He doesnt deserve the title MAN!
Let him go for sure. It seems to me that you wont be the only lady in his life to treat that way. His disgusting form of communication. You deserve something far more better than him. You need a man that is going to praise you and be endearing. Show you his appreciation for you and gratitude. 

Stop thinking, and give another your valuable time, another that is receptive to your being and nurturing to your feelings!


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## bandy (Jul 18, 2012)

hey thanks for your reply....
i am not sure why i still want to be with him...i feel i cant be without him...i am used to him so much...no matter how he treats me i just want him beside me...this is how i feel all the time....i feel we make a very good looking couple and may be thats one of the reason i dont want to let him go...but i know i am not thinking maturedly......
whenever i talk to him about our issues he only blames me for everything....some times i doubt myself if am i really the one for all that has happened in our relation....
i am worried if i can find any other person again...if at all i find someone will he be a good person or do i need to struggle again in my life....problem is i trust people very easily...i end up getting emotionally attached to them..
whenever i talk to my hubby he says its over...but not filing for divorce...so i thought he might get convinced if i say something good to him...but whenever i talk with him he says he is not interested in me anymore....i am not knowing his intention..he says he wants divorce on mutual basis...but i feel why should i give a divorce to him on mutual consent...it was his decision and making me also going thru it...
as of now we are not yet divorced...is it good to be in contact with him....do i sound desperate and needy....?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I know that you dont need to be with this man, especially if he is refusing a divorce. 
He is extremely controlling.
If you feel you need him by your side then thats a normal feeling to have because you love him.
But do you want a man like that by your side?
You really need to know that there is always going to be someone better in life for you!!!! i hope you get away from him!


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## bandy (Jul 18, 2012)

i dont know how much i think abt my hubby...i dont remember the hurt he has given...i just remember all the good things....finally out of all those running thoughts...i felt i need to say abt my feelings to him...i mailed him saying tht i miss him ...etc etc....he didnt even bother to reply back....do anyone of you think that i should not be in contact with him...its been almost 11 months now since we r living separately...without getting divorced....but some or the other way once in a while i used to mail him abt his decision....the last call we had he said to me not to mail him about my feelings and frustrations which are disturbing him a lot and time ll decide about our relation...so i didnt mail him almost for 1 month...thought he would mail me ...but he didnt....when i mailed him now he didnt reply back even
i dont know whether being in touch with him through mails is doing any good or not...generally my mail has my feelings for him also a note about where he went wrong etc etc....should i dont think about him and divorce right now and mind my own life...reviving my career and all....please suggest which can be the best way to be...whenever i think about him i get very anxious and feel like sharing them with him....he takes most of my mails negatively as if i m pointing him....


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## bandy (Jul 18, 2012)

also i really am not knowing his intention....he left me due to some incident...or in other words made me leave the house...insulting me and my parents....from then i told him that we ll discuss about each others requirements understand them and get back...but he is not ready for that....he says we had enough of trials and it ll not work further..he never realizes what he has done and whts his mistake...in everything possible he says its my mistake...though he physically abuses me he says i irritated him so he went mad at me...also he adds tht he doesnt physically hit me everyday but only had hit me couple of times...how much correct is this...i mean how a husband has right to hit his wife...keeping tht aside....all i asked him was to get back together after some mutual discussions understanding each others concerns....he was not ready for tht...all of sudden he came to my house...we had chat and then he said i didnt change and left me....he moved to some other country without letting me know even...from then i used to mail him about our relation...he says " I didnt file for divorce...so dont u get that"...what i understood from this is he is interested still to be with me ...waiting for me to accept all the blame and get back to him...so when i said i ll come back to him he said for him its over and he cant be with me....last time we had a chat he said its over ...i know u like me but i dont want to get emotional and get back into this relation...we both are different ....time only ll decide whats gonna happen.."

i really cant understand what is in his mind....if i file for a divorce he should get back to the country...or is he trying to make me also agree for divorce by whiling away the time or is he playing safe by just seeing his survival or isnt he clear yet about our relation....
if he isnt clear why would he say its over for him whenever i ask him about it.....


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