# Crossroads



## frodotype (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for reading, all.

My long-term girlfriend and I have been together for over five years now. And though I love her, I don't think we've ever been happy. It's been a very lopsided situation.

When we got together, we mutually agreed that she would work and share financial/all responsibilities. Unfortunately, what ended up happening was that the market where I live (and where she moved to be with me) wasn't what she was accustomed to, and she just sort of... turtled. She couldn't handle the pressure of having to learn new skills or to try unconventional things. There's a lot of competition here and she just wasn't up to the task.

Meanwhile, I was 100% financially supporting us both and the stress of this took its toll. And continues, as I am still mostly supporting us. After three years and maybe 2-3 interviews, I arranged for an interview for her myself. She seemed to drag her feet and did honestly just about everything to screw it up, but she got the job and was there for a little over a year, doing some entry-level accountancy data entry.

So, we're now into over a year of unemployment, again, 1-2 interviews at most... I'm really over it. This isn't what I agreed to, ever.

We have also not had sex in quite a long time, 3 years, give or take. She TOTALLY let herself go. Totally. We're talking at least 50-70lbs of weight, sitting around the house half dressed in tattered clothes, never wanting to go anywhere or do anything. Ever. Unless it's something she wants to do.

Meanwhile, I took this time of great stress to try to improve myself. I was not an Adonis when we got together, and now I've lost 90 lbs from my heaviest and I go to the gym at least 3x a week and getting into honestly fantastic shape and leading a very active life that I've tried to introduce to my gf, with absolutely zero luck.

I don't know what else to do. I have no desire for sex with her. She's not working and half-cleans the house and frequently complains I don't help her with it (And why would I? If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing ALL the household stuff without a complaint) It's always in a state of near-total disrepair --- We've been to marriage counseling, but really, I think I'm done.

The only reason I haven't left is because she has no assets, nothing to fall back on and seemingly nowhere to go. She's totally dependent on me. What do I do?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly think your best option is to sit her down and have a talk with her. Basically you need to tell her what you told us. Then you need to tell her exactly what you expect. If things don't change for the better, then move on.


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## frodotype (Mar 8, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I honestly think your best option is to sit her down and have a talk with her. Basically you need to tell her what you told us. Then you need to tell her exactly what you expect. If things don't change for the better, then move on.


I have many times. She believes I'm being unfair and thinks as long as she's trying, I owe her sex as a relationship responsibility and to support her indefinitely. It's a mind-boggling attitude.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If you have done those things, I really don't see what other options you have. Apparently she isn't taking you seriously. Does she have friends or family which might be helpful?


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## frodotype (Mar 8, 2011)

827Aug said:


> If you have done those things, I really don't see what other options you have. Apparently she isn't taking you seriously. Does she have friends or family which might be helpful?


I don't think anyone would take her in or no one's in a position to take her in. So, no.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's where you will have to make your mind up. Either you accept things as they are or you split. Are you enabling her in ways you can take control of? For example, giving her money, having her on credit cards, checking accounts, etc.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The best motivation is necessity. You have no shared activities, if I understand, she is not emotionally connected to you nor is she sexually attractive to you, sounds like you love her as a long time friend but not a lover. 

You can give her a few months to find a job and a place to live. Be very resolute about the date. If she does not do so and hangs on, you should start dating as if she left and let her know that this is what you will do after the date you set. 

That may sound cruel but she will get motivated to get on with her life sounds like she is in a rut. I'll bet when she is out on her own she will lose weight.


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