# So many signs, but he denies.



## redhelp (May 27, 2014)

So about 8 months ago, a week before our wedding, we were cleaning out our laundry room because we needed a new water heater. To my surprise, I found an empty durex condom wrapper, I say durex because he refuses to use anything other than Trojan brand for some reason. I don't know why, because he's only been with me (to my knowledge). When I asked, he kind of brushed it off. Now, we have had two roommates, but being a clean freak, I usually cleaned out that room at least once a month, so I would have found it sooner. By the time I had found it, our old roommate had moved out 4 months ago and we hadn't had sex because we were abstaining until we got married. So it CLEARLY wasn't mine. I called both of our old roommates. The first one did use durex, but only in her room with her now husband and they had a trash for things like that. She moved out a year and 4months before this. Our other roomie hadn't had sex in almost 2 years. So it wasn't his. We ALWAYS kept that door closed when people were over, no need to hang out in a tiny washing room. So that was the beginning.
Just a week ago, I went to my cousins graduation in another town and was out of the house for 24 hours. We had both been invited to go to a graduation party for one of our friends, he ended up going. 

Since that day I found the empty wrapper, I have taken note once in awhile on how many condoms we have, and when I came back, I dont know why, but I went and looked and we were missing one of the good ones. He was napping and i walked up to him and asked if he had anything to tell me about this weekend. He INSTANTLY knew what I was talking about. Instantly. He said "I've seen that upset/lost look before" in my eyes. How in the hell, without me saying anything, and me JUST getting home and him waking up would he know exactly what I was talking about. He said he had used it to jerk into for quick clean up between work and the grad party.

To answer some ?s:
1. Yes, he leaves his phone out in the open.
2. Yes, he gets irritated when I ask him if he's been unfaithful to me, saying he would ''never hurt me''
3. He hasn't changed his personality much or gone out much without me. He goes out a lot whenever I'm gone though.

I guess I don't know what to look for or even how to approach it. Condom wrappers don't just appear out of nowhere. :scratchhead:


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

redhelp said:


> I guess I don't know what to look for or even how to approach it. Condom wrappers don't just appear out of nowhere.


He denies or you? Cause it sounds like you're in denial. You're clearly not a stupid person. Trust your gut. Obviously, he is cheating on you. There's no other reason for condoms to vanish. Based on your narrative, I don't see any other logical explaination what so ever. Too many people tough out crap relationships waiting sometime years for the "smoking gun" when it was so obvious all along. I guess that's what happens when people watch shows like CSI every week and expect life to play out like a tv show. You have more than enough proof.

Now people are going to tell you to "go dark", "gather intel" blah, blah.... I think you're past that. He's clearly sleeping around so to answer your question on how to approach it you have two choices. 1) Dump him because you're not a doormat and clearly he has zero respect for you or 2) Try to work things out, hope he doesn't do it again (unlikely) and spend the rest of your relationship looking over your shoulder. It's up to you. Good luck.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

redhelp said:


> To answer some ?s:
> 1. Yes, he leaves his phone out in the open.
> 2. Yes, he gets irritated when I ask him if he's been unfaithful to me, saying he would ''never hurt me''
> 3. He hasn't changed his personality much or gone out much without me. He goes out a lot whenever I'm gone though.
> ...


1. Doesnt matter. My wife always left her phone out in the open even though she had was texting the OM.
2. My wife would get irritated too. This means nothing. He's obviously not going to tell you if he is cheating.
3. This isnt proof of anything but it is so much easier to cheat when you are gone.

As far as the brand of condoms, I dont think there is a man alive who is going to turn down sex because the condom is a certain brand.

I would certainly say be on the lookout. Possibly put a voice recorder in the car, look at your cell phone bills for numbers that he texts/call a lot that you dont know. Time to do some investigating because it sure sounds like hes cheating on you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not up to speed on statistics for men masturbating with a condom, but my guess is that it would be fairly unusual.

But on the other hand, it's also unusual for partners in affair sex to use one.

Huge red flag, but you don't have a smoking gun yet. Educate yourself on your covert monitoring options and use the ones that are appropriate. If you do and he's cheating, you'll eventually catch him.

Sorry you're here.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

first off, stop accusing him...soft confronts never work. If he's a cheater; he's a liar.

as for the phone, he might be deleting messages. find an undelete program (wondershare, etc) and see if that's what is happening.

I guess he could of been doing a 'posh wank' to use the condom himself, but yeah, sketchy stuff will require more evidence gathering.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I'm not up to speed on statistics for men masturbating with a condom, but my guess is that it would be fairly unusual.


Well let me get you up to speed. Guys don't wack off with condoms on because condoms feel like crap. So yeah, he's completely full of it and he thinks the OP is stupid enough to believe that story.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Really? Masturbating in a condom? Yeah sure...

Your gut is telling you that something is up. It hardly is ever wrong. Listen to it!

As another poster mentioned you need to go into stealth mode and gather concrete evidence. When you have the evidence, store it in multiple places. On a usb, cloud, etc. Places where your husband can't access it and delete it.

Don't confront him anymore until you have solid evidence.


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## Lifer (Feb 14, 2014)

I agree with MoonBay. You already know what you need to know. I wonder why so many BS need a mountain of evidence. I suppose that is all for legal issues.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Lifer said:


> I agree with MoonBay. You already know what you need to know. I wonder why so many BS need a mountain of evidence. I suppose that is all for legal issues.


Probably because most people do not want to make major life changes based on slim evidence. The missing condom could be something else. Either an affair or something really strange. 

But stop confronting, gather more evidence. Perpare mentally for the worst.


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## KaySara (May 25, 2014)

Hi --
I have a question for you that was not part of your post.

? What have you promised each other (sexual fidelity is commonly the agreement) AND

? What would it mean to you if he HAS had sex with someone else behind your back? 

I ask because some people are in the "You cheat, I leave" camp 

and others are in the "you cheat, I'm probably going to be hurt and we are gonna have a lot of talking to do . . . but the fact you cheated does not automatically mean xyz for us."

Some people can also be in the "I don't really expect sexual fidelity and if you do cheat it may or may not bug me much" camp. 

Think long and hard about where YOU come out in this vast spectrum. If "sex with others" is a deal-breaker for you, would you rather KNOW the facts/have proof or would you rather "suspect but not know for sure" -- 

It sounds like you are both young and have been married about a year??? Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't keep his promises? Please believe me that some people do not consider sexual infidelity a deal-breaker, and each of us gets to decide what our own priorities are.

If it "isn't that big a deal" PLEASE be careful not to make it into a big deal.


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## redhelp (May 27, 2014)

Yeah, it's a dealbreaker for me. And for him apparently, but I don't know what to believe. No matter what I say, it's turned on how I have anxiety/OCD and obsess over one thing at a time and this time it's him. No, I have honest reason to feel betrayed. He has used them before to mastrubate into, I just don't understand since he doesn't like using them with me. We've been married less than a year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want to stay married, you have to get proof one way or the other. Check the phone/text records to see if the number of texts/calls lines up to the bill; if there are any missing, he's deleting his contact with OW so you won't catch him. Put a keylogger on his computer if he uses one; it will record all keystrokes. Put a VAR under the seat of his car, velcroed, and check it periodically to see who he talks to when you're not around. Ask a friend to follow him on his day off.


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