# Low-conflict marriage but still divorcing..?



## Kit 904 (Sep 1, 2021)

I am not sure how I ended up here- but for the last four years I was in the healthiest, happiest relationship of my life. Now we are separating and it's unbearable. But the worst part is, I am the one who kick started it without even realizing what was happening.

This is very complicated, but I am bisexual- my partner knew this going into our relationship and it has never affected us. When covid hit, he was gone all the time working extra hours as a UPS driver while people ordered everything online to maintain social distancing. He was also running an intense campaign for union president of his local. I had just lost my job because of covid and it was hard to find a new one immediately due to the circumstances, so the financial burdens also fell mainly on him. I had part time income for full time advocacy work I continued to do throughout the pandemic, and though I love that work and still continue it, the work is very intensive and emotionally draining and it just wasn't enough to cover the bills like we used to. But it also had many rewards- I was part of making civil rights history with my organization in our city and that is such an amazing feeling to this day. But I feel like my husband and I celebrated our victories without each other and struggled through our losses without being there for each other like how we used to. 

I started to realize we needed to make time for each other but every time I suggested it, it seemed like I was burdening him because his schedule was so much more demanding of his time. I felt like I put too much pressure on him every time I'd bring it up and see his face drop instead of light up, so I stopped.

I started to remember what it was like dating women again suddenly. I felt so guilty for even thinking this way because we really were such a dynamic force... the city called us a power couple all the time because of our advocacy work in the community and in the labor unions. I let the guilt get to me too much, so I decided to be honest with him and let him know I think I am struggling with my sexuality... That's where it all fell apart...

He was already stressed out about the campaign and couldn't process it. I couldn't process it either, I realize NOW it was really just me just wanting to spend more time with him, but at the time I was so consumed with guilt from my sudden wandering thoughts, that's what I thought the unsure feelings were coming from... I thought I was failing him as a loyal partner in every way. Financially and emotionally...

But I didn't realize how much of our decision to separate was based on our conditions and not on a desire to leave each other until all the horrible pain hit when he finally decided to pull the trigger on us. And now we have been going through the most painful ****ing chapter of our lives. There is no chance of reconiciliation and as devastating as it is, we likely won't even maintain a friendship. 

I am haunted by regrets. We really were a power couple. We laughed every day and made each other better... I know divorce can usually be a liberating thing but in my case it just feels like self-sabotage and the worst mistake I ever made in my life...has anyone else ever been through _anything_ like this??? Will I live with this regret forever...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It's hard for a man to have to compete with another man OR a woman for your sexual desire and commitment. He has set you free to pursue your dreams and desires. It will hurt less and less over time, and you will be able to find the fulfillment you want.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hopefully you can learn a lot from the mistakes you made here for any future relationships. 
Everyone goes through rough patches in a relationship, but being faithful in thought as well as deed is important.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It sounds like you tried to spend more time w/ him but he wasn't available, partly b/c job, partly b/c priorities. In hindsight, you could have sought counselling rather than tell him about your wondering thoughts. In hindsight, he could have gone to counselling w/ you, that goes back to priorities and a full plate. It doesn't seem like you were dishonest or mean spirited at any time.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Low-conflict does not equal good marriage. I have low-conflict relationships with a lot of people, but I wouldn’t want to be married to them. Conflict Is actually fine(to a point), as long as it’s outweighed by the positive.

2. Anytime I hear someone referring to being a “power couple” I have to roll my eyes. Not trying to be mean, just offering you some perspective. 
Anytime someone is actually thinking of themselves in terms of being part of a “power couple” they’re usually trying to live out some narcissistic fantasy / self image. And they often view/approach their spouse as more of a visible set-piece to their narcissistic fantasy. 
Not saying that’s your situation, but that’s the first thing that comes to mind.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Kit 904 said:


> I started to remember what it was like dating women again suddenly. I felt so guilty for even thinking this way because we really were such a dynamic force... the city called us a power couple all the time because of our advocacy work in the community and in the labor unions. I let the guilt get to me too much, so I decided to be honest with him and let him know I think I am struggling with my sexuality... That's where it all fell apart...



My guess is he was frustrated by a bunch of other stuff and used this as his hill to die on. 

He knows you're bi... he had to assume, at point -- or some level -- you would indulge that side of yourself. Be it porn, or fantasy, or even turning it over in your head nostalgically. And why would THAT send him into a spiral? We ALL do this. To be crucified for wandering _thoughts_ during a rough patch? Sounds like you don't have a lot of leeway to be a normal human being.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your honesty should not have been met with this extreme of a reaction. It sounds like his inability to meet your needs as a partner made you question your sexuality - though you may me mixing sexuality with needs in general. Either way you will feel more fulfilled in the long run.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Kit 904 said:


> There is no chance of reconiciliation and as devastating as it is, we likely won't even maintain a friendship.


So why this extreme reaction when you told him you were THINKING about women --- did you actually have sex with someone else? Were you talking/texting/etc. other women? Were you thinking about people you both know?
I can certainly understand him being upset, but why such an extreme reaction? Sounds like something more is going on here...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You seem to have a warped opinion of what an exclusive relationship means.
Having sex with anyone else of any gender is cheating.
You told your husband you were struggling with your sexuality which he rightfully figured was a roundabout way of telling him that you wanted to have sex with a woman. In other words you were thinking about cheating and were looking for his blessing.
As for being a “power couple”………give me a ****ing break.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well....

I agree with @Andy1001 and a few others made good points.

Here is something to ponder.

Mrs. Conan and I have a fiery relationship that has seen more than it's fair share of conflict.

We also love each other with something approaching the blue zone heat level.

We don't give a rat's testicle what anyone thinks about us and we certainly aren't a power couple, though we easily could have been.

A no conflict, power couple isn't really important to a successful marriage.

Loyalty is.

Before meeting Mrs. C, I had sexual escapades that many can only dream about. 

I've had some truly fantastic experiences.

The thing is, I don't look back wanting any of it because Mrs. C gets everything of me she can take and that part of me belongs only to her alone.


You forgot that all of your sex and intimacy was pledged to your husband when you agreed to marry him.

It's too bad you simply didn't say that you were really missing him in the bedroom instead of saying you wanted to possibly f someone else and didn't know if you wanted to f him anymore.

That's what you said and what he heard.

It would be nice if you can reconcile with him but, if you can't, remember this for your next relationship.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

In the past, have you had episodes of being in a relationship and then needing to "switch" to the other side. Do you think it might just be a fickle part of your nature?


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