# Hypothetical question....inheritance



## peacem

Hi everyone!
Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.

If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....

Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
Would you leave it to all your children equally...
Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...

Thanks for you opinion.


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## Buddy400

peacem said:


> Hi everyone!
> Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.
> 
> If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....
> 
> Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
> Would you leave it to all your children equally...
> Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...
> 
> Thanks for you opinion.


All equally.


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## EleGirl

Before I could answer the question, I'd like to know why one of the five is working only a few hours a week at minimum wage. 
What is that person's situation?


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## EllisRedding

Equally unless there was some extenuating circumstance with that 1 adult/child.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

peacem said:


> Hi everyone!
> Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.
> 
> If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....
> 
> Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
> Would you leave it to all your children equally...
> Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...
> 
> Thanks for you opinion.


If that adult child has a disability that would have kept them from obtaining full time work, I would gift them a little more than the others (but never all of it). Otherwise, I would split it equally.


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## Andy1001

Split it equally between them all.Why should the better off ones suffer for improving their lives.


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## NextTimeAround

I hear that some parents are dividing up assets on the basis of how much they spent on each child. so if one child went to an expensive university and the other didn't, the one that didn't gets more money.

my mother tells me that while she did help my sister buy her place, she has made some arrangements in the inheritance in view of that. I heard another parent saying something similar bout their daughter who they're helping to buy property.

you may also want to consider the child(ren) who made sacrifices on your or any other relative's behalf. My FIL died a few months ago. I asked my husband whether his half sister would get more of his estate since it seems she was the one really putting in the face time and chauffeuring services for him in the last 2 years of his life.


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## peacem

The low wage earner is 100% able bodied but if financially reliant upon her husband....her husband is twice her age and now an elderly man, he has adult children from another marriage plus children with the woman (mentioned here). He want to divide his estate among all his children and his second wife. Which means there is very little financial security assuming he dies before her.

So her mother (of 5 children), who is currently dying, is wanting to give her the entire estate for future security, and has considered her other children are 'doing ok'. Hope that makes sense.

Opinions?


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## CharlieParker

My wife and I are far better off than her 2 sisters. Her mom's will is set up equally. Wife and I have already talked, we'll even it out ourselves. We likely won't take a third of the proceeds of the sale of the house, things like that.

We have no kids, my sister has two, the are explicitly/separately factored in.


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## Buddy400

peacem said:


> The low wage earner is 100% able bodied but if financially reliant upon her husband....her husband is twice her age and now an elderly man, he has adult children from another marriage plus children with the woman (mentioned here). He want to divide his estate among all his children and his second wife. Which means there is very little financial security assuming he dies before her.
> 
> So her mother (of 5 children), who is currently dying, is wanting to give her the entire estate for future security, and has considered her other children are 'doing ok'. Hope that makes sense.
> 
> Opinions?


I'd be furious if I were one of the 4 that were disinherited because my sibling screwed up.


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## EleGirl

NextTimeAround said:


> I hear that some parents are dividing up assets on the basis of how much they spent on each child. so if one child went to an expensive university and the other didn't, the one that didn't gets more money.
> 
> my mother tells me that while she did help my sister buy her place, she has made some arrangements in the inheritance in view of that. I heard another parent saying something similar bout their daughter who they're helping to buy property.
> 
> you may also want to consider the child(ren) who made sacrifices on your or any other relative's behalf. My FIL died a few months ago. I asked my husband whether his half sister would get more of his estate since it seems she was the one really putting in the face time and chauffeuring services for him in the last 2 years of his life.


This idea of taking into consideration the money spent on things like education, money to buy a house, etc. makes a lot of sense. It could be argued that those funds were part of the inheritance of the child who got them.


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## NextTimeAround

Buddy400 said:


> I'd be furious if I were one of the 4 that were disinherited because my sibling screwed up.


yeah, I agree. Quite often as well, I question why young women marry men like the one described. when I was in my 20s, the thought of dating let alone marrying a guy with a child was just never a possibility for me.

Children, that is ADULT children, should be able to have their eyes wide open when they are choosing a life partner. Sometimes, love is not always enough.


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## EleGirl

peacem said:


> The low wage earner is 100% able bodied but if financially reliant upon her husband....her husband is twice her age and now an elderly man, he has adult children from another marriage plus children with the woman (mentioned here). He want to divide his estate among all his children and his second wife. Which means there is very little financial security assuming he dies before her.
> 
> So her mother (of 5 children), who is currently dying, is wanting to give her the entire estate for future security, and has considered her other children are 'doing ok'. Hope that makes sense.
> 
> Opinions?


Did the mother pay for things like college tuition for the children? Did she give any of them money to do things like buy a house, etc?

The problem I see with giving the 5th child all the money is that I would worry that she would use it to help support her husband and comingle the money so that he gets his hands on it. If I had a child in that situation, I would but that child's inheritance in a trust with rules on how and when she can use it.

Also, I would advise the child to look at the inheritance laws of her state. If there is a will that gives money to his ex and the children, she can probably contest it since it cuts her out. Does her husband have retirement? Is it set up for her to get his retirement after he dies? She will also get his social security after he dies. If she is low enough income, she will also qualify for Medicaid and for income support, food stamps, etc.

She might be in a better situation than her mother knows.

I'd either give to the children equally, or divide it by 6 and give that one child 2 portions at most. But I would not give it all to the one child who has not taken care of herself. She made bad choices. She will continue to make bad choices with her inheritance if there is no protection like a trust.

How do the other 4 treat the 5th child? Would they help her if she needed it?


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## Married but Happy

If your wish is to help one more than the rest, then to avoid resentment, I suggest you talk to the other four and ask if they would be okay with your idea or some variant. They should not be penalized for their success, nor the one rewarded for making her choice. If she were disabled, then I could understand it, but otherwise, this could create rancor among the siblings. NextTimeAround's suggestions are good ones to factor in, though.


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## jb02157

My wife's parents left everything to their oldest son and gave nothing to her or her other brother. This has caused alot of turmoil and probably added to the disfunctionality of their family. Noone is on speaking terms. The brother who received nothing always talked about adding on to his house with his share while my wife never spoke of it at all. I always thought we wouldn't get anything and I was right. The brother that got all of the estate lived with his mom till the end and never got married, plus he was a total loser. He never sold the house and continues to live there. My guess is that if my inlaws could see what this has done to their family, they would have split the estate evenly.


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## peacem

@EleGirl - its a bit complicated but he hasn't cut her out, just wants to make sure his children get there share. [Back story] When they first got married she wouldn't allow him to pay for his children's education and became very resentful of any money he gave to them, she never worked or contributed until very recently. He is now asserting himself and saying his estate (which isn't large) is to be dividing among 5 people (his wife will get half - the remaining among his children). What his wife would inherit would not buy her any kind of home, nor support her for more than a few years. Her job is unstable (she has a habit if quitting) and has no real employable skills. 

Her parents have not contributed any money to any of their children as far as I am aware.


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## arbitrator

peacem said:


> Hi everyone!
> Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.
> 
> If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....
> 
> Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
> Would you leave it to all your children equally...
> Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...
> 
> Thanks for you opinion.


*Treat them equally, if at all possible! Otherwise, it is your option and yours alone, to treat the children named in your will the very same as they have treated you, or have truly demonstrated a bonafide need of financial help!

Either way, do not publicize any of your sentiments to any of them!*


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> Hi everyone!
> Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.
> 
> If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....
> 
> Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
> Would you leave it to all your children equally...
> Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...
> 
> Thanks for you opinion.


 I am always completely fair to my children, they would all receive the same amount. I think it would be very hurtful to them if they were left different amounts. As if you valued them differently and had favourites.


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## peacem

EleGirl said:


> How do the other 4 treat the 5th child? Would they help her if she needed it?


Sorry missed this question - none of the children have a good relationship with the less well off adult child (manipulative and trouble making), but get on well with each other.


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## Hope1964

To hell with giving it to ANY of them. I want to spend mine long before THEY get it!!

Seriously, it should be split equally no matter what the life circumstances are of each of them. There's no better way to split a family up than a lopsided will.


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## uhtred

I would split equally because of the hard feelings that any other action would cause. 

My father wrote my sister out of his will, so I gave her half when he died.


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## peacem

Hope1964 said:


> To hell with giving it to ANY of them. I want to spend mine long before THEY get it!!
> 
> .


Nearly put that as an option :grin2:. I tell my parents to spend, spend, spend. So hard when they have been incredibly thrifty all their lives...


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## peacem

uhtred said:


> I would split equally because of the hard feelings that any other action would cause.
> 
> My father wrote my sister out of his will, so I gave her half when he died.


What a lovely person you are. :smile2:


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> Sorry missed this question - none of the children have a good relationship with the less well off adult child (manipulative and trouble making), but get on well with each other.


Even more reason to leave them all the same if she is a trouble maker. It would be as if she was being rewarded for being lazy and acting badly. How would that make them all feel?


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## Diana7

uhtred said:


> I would split equally because of the hard feelings that any other action would cause.
> 
> My father wrote my sister out of his will, so I gave her half when he died.


How painful that must have been for her. :frown2:


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## NextTimeAround

Hope1964 said:


> To hell with giving it to ANY of them. *I want to spend mine long before THEY get it!!
> *
> Seriously, it should be split equally no matter what the life circumstances are of each of them. There's no better way to split a family up than a lopsided will.



As long as you don't expect any of your kids to house and wipe your ass until your last days.


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## uhtred

My wife and I tried to hard to get both our parents to spend their money, but they are just not from that generation. 

My father ended up in a nursing home that got most of it - so splitting with my sister wasn't all that noble. 

My wife's parents grew up in the depression so they were just not able to enjoy spending money. We feel bad spending it on frivolous things, but we don't have children, so we don't really need to save it for anyone. 




peacem said:


> Nearly put that as an option :grin2:. I tell my parents to spend, spend, spend. So hard when they have been incredibly thrifty all their lives...


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## release2016

uhtred said:


> I would split equally because of the hard feelings that any other action would cause.
> 
> My father wrote my sister out of his will, so I gave her half when he died.


It's great that you did this for your sister as some might find it quite uncomfortable going directly against the deceased person's choice as they do have a right to choose.

I know of someone in a similar position to you who chose to give something to their siblings' children instead of direct to the siblings.

In general, barring ill health or some other valid circumstance I would leave everything equally to my kids for the sake of harmony. 

But just to reiterate, well done you for sharing the inheritance.


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## uhtred

My family had all sorts of issues, including my father's mild mental illness. The question of whether or not to follow his wishes was tricky, but in the end I saw no harm in doing what I thought was fair. 







release2016 said:


> It's great that you did this for your sister as some might find it quite uncomfortable going directly against the deceased person's choice as they do have a right to choose.
> 
> I know of someone in a similar position to you who chose to give something to their siblings' children instead of direct to the siblings.
> 
> In general, barring ill health or some other valid circumstance I would leave everything equally to my kids for the sake of harmony.
> 
> But just to reiterate, well done you for sharing the inheritance.


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## soccermom2three

I would split it equally no matter what their circumstances are. To not to would be to punish the successful children. That doesn't make sense to me.

My only exception would be if we gifted money to help them buy a home. That would be considered an "advance" on their inheritance.


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## Herschel

**** em all. Go out in a blaze of glory!


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## peacem

Ok thank you for your honest opinions. I was just checking my feelings are correct as I have a negative bias towards the people involved.

Here's the full story.

My H is 1 of 5. He was raised in a very dysfunctional home with abuse and neglect. We now believe that his mother has NPD or something like that (disordered thinking, bullying her children etc). His youngest sister was always the golden child that could do no wrong, she grew up being very spoiled and given preferential treatment. She has never worked to support herself, only ever doing a few hours a week, quits her jobs all the time and lives off either her husband or parents. She's a bit of a dead beat and a user - has immature traits of BPD. 

She has fallen out with ALL the family except her mum and dad. She has now convinced her mother that if her (70 something year old) husband dies she will not be able to support herself. So her mother has changed her will (or is at least talking about it) so she inherits the home - so she will at least have a roof over her head.

At the same time as dropping this bombshell on my H, she also wants him to be an executor of said will AND give the eulogy at her funeral (i.e forcing him into saying nice things about her). H must have looked a bit surprised but she said our house is worth '£x' and therefore do not need anymore money. 

As for my H - he does not care about the money, once the estate is divided into 5 plus any charitable donations and solicitors fees he would only inherit around £10k (to put that into perspective - it would pay for my daughters Uni fees for 1 year). It is not life changing money, lovely, but not worth fighting over or the hassle of contesting the will. But it was the low emotional blow that even in death there will be inequalities and the irritation that his sister is manipulating her til the very end and she STILL expects H to do the donkey work (he is very people pleasing). It also struck him that his successes have never been acknowledged or rewarded - she has never said 'well done'. In fact he is being penalised for being hard working and educating himself. 

I think it is is further evidence of a personality disorder....(how much more evidence do I need?)

Thank you again.


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## arbitrator

Hope1964 said:


> To hell with giving it to ANY of them. I want to spend mine long before THEY get it!!
> 
> Seriously, it should be split equally no matter what the life circumstances are of each of them. There's no better way to split a family up than a lopsided will.


*My first XW had a deceased widower uncle of hers who was an accomplished retired orthopedic surgeon. Nicest guy in the world!

On the back of his Lexus SUV, he had a bumper sticker plastered up for all to see, more especially his grown and college aged kids, which said: "I'm spending your inheritance just as fast as I can!" 

Being true to his word, when he died in the mid-2000's, he only left 100k to each of the five, and the rest of his worldly assets to his medical school, undergraduate university, his church, and to various benevolent charities!

Word has it that they were royally pi$$ed off at him for doing it, as he left them absolutely nothing to even remotely challenge the will with in court, other than the words in his will which intoned, "I humbly worked hard all of these years for my money! I pray that you'll do the same!" *


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## Andy1001

arbitrator said:


> *My first XW had a deceased widower uncle of hers who was an accomplished retired orthopedic surgeon. Nicest guy in the world!
> 
> On the back of his Lexus SUV, he had a bumper sticker plastered up for all to see, more especially his grown and college aged kids, which said: "I'm spending your inheritance just as fast as I can!"
> 
> Being true to his word, when he died in the mid-2000's, he only left 100k to each of the five, and the rest of his worldly assets to his medical school, undergraduate university, his church, and to various benevolent charities!
> 
> Word has it that they were royally pi$$ed off at him for doing it, as he left them absolutely nothing to even remotely challenge the will with in court, other than the words in his will which intoned, "I humbly worked hard all of these years for my money! I pray that you'll do the same!" *


When my parents died their estate was left equally between me and my brother.He wasn't happy at all,he was married,living in an expensive city(London)and had three kids who he had to pay to be educated.Their Estate was worth well into nine figures so he would have been set up for life but he still wasn't happy.My Dad was no fool though and he had set up the will that if either of us contested then their share went to charity.I got so angry with my brother at the reading that I told him if he contested then I would as well and all the money would go to charity.He quickly backed down but just to piss him off I got the lawyer to put my share in a trust fund for my first born child.That was almost six years ago and I never thought I would settle down or have kids.
My girlfriend is pregnant.
She is due in six weeks.


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## Spicy

We have faced this with my husbands parents. His brother has never worked much, parents have supported him, bought him cars, place to live etc. There is nothing wrong with him and have has his Batchelors degree. DH has worked super hard since age 14, graduated college with no debt, and been very successful in his career. His parents worry and worry about his older brother. In any gift giving it has been very lopsided because of my husbands success. It hurts him so much. We will not be surprised if their wills reflect this same thought process. In fact it is what we expect. 

My answer would have always been split evenly, but all the more so now do I feel that way. Don't punish the ones who work hard. That is very unfair. What a sour last goodbye they would have from a parent doing that.


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## Cooper

Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it. 

My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't. 

Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.

The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol

As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.


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## Andy1001

Cooper said:


> Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.
> 
> My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't.
> 
> Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.
> 
> The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol
> 
> As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.


I have an aunt who lives in Ireland and she has seven children,all grown up,some married and just one son living at home.Her will is very interesting to me.She has left the house to her son who lives with her with the stipulation that there always has to be a home for any of her children if they need it,not grandchildren,just her own sons and daughters.This means that unless all seven agree,the house can't be sold and the son living at home can't sell it either.It also means that the son who looked after her can never be made homeless if his siblings get greedy,and they can't move their family in either.


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## SunCMars

The donor is the owner. And the owner gets to make that decision.

Me? I would divide it equally. Reason? The other children will hate the sibling that got all the money. That is the way people are. I want my children to love each other.

I would want my children to think of me in a fair light. Not favoring one or the other.


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## Grogmiester

I would divide it equally between each child.


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## NextTimeAround

Cooper said:


> *Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it. *
> 
> My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't.
> 
> Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.
> 
> The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol
> 
> As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.


I believe in death just like in life, where one distributes his/ her assets is where that person has found value. Therefore, it helps when there is some explanation / coherence / consistency in the decisions that are made.

furthermore, there is still pressure in western society to take elderly parents in / make sacrifices in one's life to accommodate the caring of that parent. I'm afraid you can't have one without the other. I certainly don't to allow a parent to bankrupt me while they hand over assets in their death to someone else.

My mother took care of her mother in the last 10 years of her life. Of course, there will be some who disagreed with how she did it:
1. She effectively kidnapped my mother. My grandmother would go in and out of lucidity. in the year before my mother brought her to her town, she had had to rush to my grandmother's house for various emergencies.... like causing a fire in the house. She lives inthe midwest. My grandmother lived on the east coast.

my mother's brother did nothing to help even though he lived a 30 minute drive away.

2. My grandmother refused to quit smoking. both of my parents are non smokers. I later heard from one of my mother's friends that my grandmother was so defiant, she smoked right in front of them. My father said she had to go. my mother found an assisted living place a 20 minute drive form their house.

This is the same woman who told my mother that she made a horrible choice in husbands because my father was still finishing medical school and couldn't afford the train fare to go visit my grandmother in the 50s. 

But my parents lavished my grandmother with money as long as I can remember.


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## CantePe

Funny I have 5 kids (not adults yet).

Two are on the spectrum (autism). I'd still leave it equal, mind you one would be in trust with a monthly allowance (or possibly two).

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## peacem

Cooper said:


> Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.


I wasn't suggesting that an individual doesn't have the right to leave their estate to whoever they choose, that would be silly. And actually my husband's reaction was very accepting even though it made him a little sad that even to the last she would be causing divisions between his siblings. 

What I was wondering....is this a typical response to this hypothetical question or is it quite unusual. From what I can gather here, most posters would treat their children equally except from exceptional circumstances. So this is making me think about the larger picture of a very dysfunctional family. Hope that makes sense.


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## Hellomynameis

My grandparents had 10 kids. They left their house and farm (valued at about $100,000) to my aunt who stayed with them as a full time caregiver for the last 10 years of their lives, and who also agreed to continue supporting her disabled younger brother in the family home for the rest of his life. They left the other 9 siblings $10,000 each. One of the stipulations of the will is that the property can't be sold out of the family until all 10 of the siblings have died.

It hasn't exactly caused dissension in the family, but my aunt has, not by her choice, been " elected" as the head of the family and seems to get stuck as the person dealing with all the family difficulties now. When the disabled brother died, she was expected to take care of all his funeral expenses alone. If someone in the family is hard up, she's expected to take them in (she got stuck with one of my cousins and her 4 kids for 2 years after her divorce, and they didn't pay their way at all). She's expected to host all extended family gatherings. The family seems to think she's better equipped to deal with these things because she got "more" - even though she was the only one who didn't get any actual money!


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## Cooper

NextTimeAround said:


> I believe in death just like in life, where one distributes his/ her assets is where that person has found value. Therefore, it helps when there is some explanation / coherence / consistency in the decisions that are made.
> 
> furthermore, there is still pressure in western society to take elderly parents in / make sacrifices in one's life to accommodate the caring of that parent. I'm afraid you can't have one without the other. I certainly don't to allow a parent to bankrupt me while they hand over assets in their death to someone else.
> 
> My mother took care of her mother in the last 10 years of her life. Of course, there will be some who disagreed with how she did it:
> 1. She effectively kidnapped my mother. My grandmother would go in and out of lucidity. in the year before my mother brought her to her town, she had had to rush to my grandmother's house for various emergencies.... like causing a fire in the house. She lives inthe midwest. My grandmother lived on the east coast.
> 
> my mother's brother did nothing to help even though he lived a 30 minute drive away.
> 
> 2. My grandmother refused to quit smoking. both of my parents are non smokers. I later heard from one of my mother's friends that my grandmother was so defiant, she smoked right in front of them. My father said she had to go. my mother found an assisted living place a 20 minute drive form their house.
> 
> This is the same woman who told my mother that she made a horrible choice in husbands because my father was still finishing medical school and couldn't afford the train fare to go visit my grandmother in the 50s.
> 
> But my parents lavished my grandmother with money as long as I can remember.


I understand your reasoning, it's just not necessarily how things always work out. I easily believe at times an inheritance is given in appreciation, but many times it is given as a safety net. While I would never find fault with where someone decides to leave an inheritance I would be upset with some of the stipulations I have read here. Who wants to the burden of receiving the family home under the stipulation you need to keep it forever and allow others to move in and out? Knowing my siblings I would refuse and pass the house to one of them.


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## Cooper

peacem said:


> I wasn't suggesting that an individual doesn't have the right to leave their estate to whoever they choose, that would be silly. And actually my husband's reaction was very accepting even though it made him a little sad that even to the last she would be causing divisions between his siblings.
> 
> What I was wondering....is this a typical response to this hypothetical question or is it quite unusual. From what I can gather here, most posters would treat their children equally except from exceptional circumstances. So this is making me think about the larger picture of a very dysfunctional family. Hope that makes sense.


In my experience I have seen where estates have been divided unequally based on perceived need, actually two different families in the last couple of years. In both cases it has caused huge issues within the families, both these families I have known for most of my life, both are what I considered very close families. Unless I was missing something all those years I never saw ongoing dysfunction, yet today both those families are splintered, because of how the parents estate was divided. In my mind it just isn't worth the energy required to be angry over. 

I left much out about my mothers estate, if I explained it all I think everyone would see how I came up on the short end. In my family the issues caused from an inequitable division of the estate is certainly from long term dysfunction. I could be furious over how things ended up, but chose not to be. 

Free money seems to take rational people and make them sick in the head.


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## NextTimeAround

Cooper said:


> *I understand your reasoning, it's just not necessarily how things always work out. * I easily believe at times an inheritance is given in appreciation, but many times it is given as a safety net. While I would never find fault with where someone decides to leave an inheritance I would be upset with some of the stipulations I have read here. Who wants to the burden of receiving the family home under the stipulation you need to keep it forever and allow others to move in and out? Knowing my siblings I would refuse and pass the house to one of them.


And your point is.....?

I agree that the example that you give is the worst way to divide assets...... as if houses maintain themselves. The parents forgot to leave money for that. but also, other details to that story are missing. If the aunt's main job was to take care of other family members, then where was she getting the money to eat, dress, etc herself and those in her care ...... not to mention pay the property taxes, insurance, utilities and regular upkeep of the house.

If you're a fair parent you will take advice as to the best way to do something. I have to admit my mother is the type of person who will "forget" about attending / ongoing costs when making a decision as she criticizes someone for not taking the "cheaper" option. She's always the smartest guy in the room, you know. I'm sure she's not the only one who thinks that of themself.


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## Cooper

NextTimeAround said:


> And your point is.....?
> 
> I agree that the example that you give is the worst way to divide assets...... as if houses maintain themselves. The parents forgot to leave money for that. but also, other details to that story are missing. If the aunt's main job was to take care of other family members, then where was she getting the money to eat, dress, etc herself and those in her care ...... not to mention pay the property taxes, insurance, utilities and regular upkeep of the house.
> 
> If you're a fair parent you will take advice as to the best way to do something. I have to admit my mother is the type of person who will "forget" about attending / ongoing costs when making a decision as she criticizes someone for not taking the "cheaper" option. She's always the smartest guy in the room, you know. I'm sure she's not the only one who thinks that of themself.


My point was your thinking is sensible and logical, I agree with it. I believe most people would agree, but in the end emotions and perceptions cloud logic and reality, not in all cases but in many. 

My gut reaction is to say divide things equally, but currently my kids are on equal footing, that can certainly change in the coming years and I may change my view. I will paraphrase something you said "give in life as in death where you have found value", I absolutely agree with that. Unlike your mother I think I'm very aware of the cost of things and the value of personal sacrifice, if I need my children to help with my care at some point (hope not) I will make sure they are compensated at the time, I would hate to be a liability to my kids or cause hardship.


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## TX-SC

Why would you punish the ones who are acting like adults? I would, and will, split things equally between my children. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Pam

I am a perfect example of this. My mother put my brother on all her bank accounts, and became his personal ATM. She never let me see a bank statement until tax time, and after a couple of years I finally figured out that the account amounts were going down not up, so I forced myself on the accounts, too. When I saw the checks he was writing, and after the promised me many time he would stop (and didn't), I told him to write one more check and I would prosecute him for Elder Abuse. He stopped.

In the meantime, I have taken in our mother and have basically supported her; she spends a little bit of money here and there, but I have it in accounts my brother can't touch. If she needs a nursing home, which I am trying to avoid, but it's getting hard, she will be able to pay for one.

And in her will, she leaves everything to him and his family. And my brother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's so if he goes into a nursing home, the government will get everything. Luckily, her will doesn't mention her cash funds so I have them secured for me and his kids.


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## Diana7

Pam said:


> I am a perfect example of this. My mother put my brother on all her bank accounts, and became his personal ATM. She never let me see a bank statement until tax time, and after a couple of years I finally figured out that the account amounts were going down not up, so I forced myself on the accounts, too. When I saw the checks he was writing, and after the promised me many time he would stop (and didn't), I told him to write one more check and I would prosecute him for Elder Abuse. He stopped.
> 
> In the meantime, I have taken in our mother and have basically supported her; she spends a little bit of money here and there, but I have it in accounts my brother can't touch. If she needs a nursing home, which I am trying to avoid, but it's getting hard, she will be able to pay for one.
> 
> And in her will, she leaves everything to him and his family. And my brother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's so if he goes into a nursing home, the government will get everything. Luckily, her will doesn't mention her cash funds so I have them secured for me and his kids.



Why is she leaving it all to him? Have you discussed this with her?


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## Pam

She doesn't even remember what is in her will; she is 96 and senile. She insisted that everything was split 50/50 in her will, then when I read it and asked, she said she didn't know me then. She doesn't have much outside cash, she lives with me, and he has always been her golden child. I expected it.

I have one child; what I have will be put into a trust for her, with dispensation for her children in case she becomes incapapictated in some way. I had two,, but lost my youngest eight years ago and he didn't have children. As time goes by, my trust can be changed in any way we need to.


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## ResignedWife

peacem said:


> Hi everyone!
> Just wondering how you would feel about this particular situation.
> 
> If you have 5 adult children, 4 of these children are living fairly well, good jobs, nice homes and comfortable lifestyle (but not very wealthy - just well-off), but 1 adult child only works a few hours a week on the minimum wage, is wholly dependent on their spouse, has no investments or property of their own....
> 
> Would you leave your entire estate to the adult child who has the least...
> Would you leave it to all your children equally...
> Would you leave them sums that are pro rota to their net worth...
> 
> Thanks for you opinion.


No hesitation - equally.


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