# I don't know if it a culture thing or just the individual.



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

Apology for my English, both me and my husband are not American, westerner/European.

We been married for 7 years, if counted his courtship we been together 11 years. And we haven't parted a day since.

I been a stay at home wife for the past 7 years since I got married. My husband wanted me to stay home, he said 'why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home'. I agreed to became a stay at home wife (even it a childless wife stay at home). I was never a career person.

We have the same values. He a great communicator. We compatible financially. He very responsible with money, he debt-free (we both are), and we both not a big spender. We compatible in sex, we both like the same things in sex.
He do laundry, he wash dishes, and do heavy stuff around the house. I cook and do light work around the house. Marriage has been peaceful, and he always treats me really really well.

My mother passed away from a sudden stroke in 2018, shortly afterwards my father passed away from end stage Alzheimer (this was expected, it wasn't sudden like my mom passing). My mother death make me realize how sudden death can be, you can be alive this minute and die the next.

In August I fall sick (my husband took care of me the whole time I was sick), I recovered but the sick cause my hair to fall out in massive amount, and it still falling out. Doctor told me it normal after recovered from big illness it can cause your hair to fall out (even in massive amount).

I guess from my mother sudden death of stroke make me realize how fragile life and death can be. When I was sick I asked my husband, what happened if one day I passed away suddenly (like my mom has her stroke), or if I got into a car accident while driving on the freeway, if I happen to die before him.
He said: he KNOWS he couldn't go on living without me. If I die, he will end his life (as in he will kill himself if anything happen to me). He said this in tears, he cried when said this to me.

Now December I revisit this and asked him again, he still give me the same answer, that he knows he couldn't go on living without me. I told him that I want him to promise me he will continue to live (even if it without me). He said if he promise me that then it would be lie to me, and he doesn't want to lie to me, so he can't promise me that. He still said he knows he can't go on living without me, and he will end his life. He adamant about it.

No, I'm not dead. It just seeing how a sudden stroke can kill you, and recover from a big illness, I was just asking a what if/future question to my husband. Ofcourse I will take care of my health more, because I want us to grow old together. But eventually there will come a day one of us will have to go first. It just I want to see my husband continue to live.

Seeing how adamant he is, it just make me wonder if it a culture thing (his culture), or it just an individual thing (him). I don't know why I write this post, I guess to vent as it on my mind, because I always thought regardless of culture, when one spouse die the other spouse continue to live. Sure, grief or even not remarried, but still live. But he just so sure he he will end his life.
Sorry for the vent.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

2015StayAtHomeWife said:


> Apology for my English, both me and my husband are not American, westerner/European.
> 
> We been married for 7 years, if counted his courtship we been together 11 years. And we haven't parted a day since.
> 
> ...


I would not end my life, but i may cease living. The relationship my wife and i have, we hope the Lord would take us together so the other did not suffer as we would without the other. We are so close we are like twins, she speaks what i am thinking and vice versa. One of us will speak the same thing the other was about to say much of the time.

However we both believe when we said our vows, Till death do you part, means till i die. I will have no other until "I part from this life". She feels the same. If one of us dies, the marriage vows remain in effect until our own death. We will not re-marry or find another partner.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> I would not end my life, but i may cease living. The relationship my wife and i have, we think the Lord would take us together so the other did not suffer as we would without the other. We are so close we are like twins, she speaks what i am thinking and vice versa. One of us will speak the same thing the other was about to say much of the time.
> 
> However we both believe when we said our vows, Till death do you part, means till i die. I will have no other until "I part from this life". She feels the same. If one of us dies, the marriage vows remain in effect until our own death. We will not re-marry or find another partner.


God isn't going to ensure you both die together, that's not how it works. Unless it's a horrible accident or something it rarely happens. 
We have also said we wouldn't get married again. Both in our mid 60's now anyway, the thought of dating again is very unappealing even if we did want to meet someone.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2015StayAtHomeWife said:


> Apology for my English, both me and my husband are not American, westerner/European.
> 
> We been married for 7 years, if counted his courtship we been together 11 years. And we haven't parted a day since.
> 
> ...


What is his culture? 
The thing is that people say things like that but don't always do it when the time comes. 
Much as I adore my husband I would never do that to my children or other family members. I lost 2 family members to suicide and it's just dreadful. I would want to stay around for others who need me. What a terrible rejection it would be for them. What pain and trauma I would leave them with.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to encourage him to have things in his life outside of you. Interests, hobbies, friends, family etc. Some couples have absolutely nothing or no one apart from each other and when one dies they are lost.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My Mom was killed in a car crash in London ten years ago. She had suffered a heart attack while driving and crashed her car.
That night my Dad killed himself. He wrote me a letter saying he didn’t want to live without my mother. 
It’s not a cultural thing, some people just don’t see any way forward after the death of the person that they built their life around.
I’m sure there’s some sort of counselling that he could benefit from but unfortunately this will mean that he always has your demise on his mind while he has the treatment. 
I really wish there was something more I could do to help you.


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> My Mom was killed in a car crash in London ten years ago. She had suffered a heart attack while driving and crashed her car.
> That night my Dad killed himself. He wrote me a letter saying he didn’t want to live without my mother.
> It’s not a cultural thing, some people just don’t see any way forward after the death of the person that they built their life around.


He said it not a culture thing too, it is him.

He has a great job, he makes good money, he work really hard. He always been debt-free, so it not like has any financial debt to worry about.
He has hobbies, he is a long distance runner. He eats very healthy, he take a very good care of his health.
And he loves shooting, he owns alot of guns, he likes to go to outdoor shooting range shot at moving targets.
He has his old mother (what an unfilial son he is if he leave her). He has aunts, nieces/nephews, cousins, relatives.
He has his childhood friends buddies, but just like him they married and have their own lives.
He still prefers go shooting and run (if he ever apart from me).

I'm not dead (so he has no reason to end his life), and I keep told myself to take care of my health, and pray nothing will happen to me when I drive on the freeway. It just I'm afraid of the unknown (like a sudden stroke or heart attack), and he adamant he will end his life.

When we talk he cried when he said he knows he cannot continue living without me, so it wasn't just saying, it has his emotions involved. He said he will put a gun to his head. What I'm scare of is one day if I die first, in one split second when he grief my death, I'm afraid he will do it, it only takes one second to pull the gun trigger.

But like I say I'm not dead and we happily married, I hope I won't go before him because he adamant knowing he couldn't continue living without me. I shouldn't brought up this sad stuff, it just after see my mother died from sudden stroke and I recover from a big illness, I started to think the 'what if' I go before him.

Perhaps I should just shut my mouth and not mentioned about 'what if' I go first with him again.

Thank you.


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

May I ask Andy1001, did you ever forgive your dad for that note he leave you when he decided to end his life too after your mom death?

Sorry if my question is too personal.


I should just shut up and enjoy my marriage, it just that I love my husband and I don't want to see him grief ahead like this (when I'm still alive right here with him).


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

On the one hand it’s wonderful to know your husbands love for you is so strong but that’s a lot of weight to carry. I think by having these conversations you are borrowing trouble. We all have no idea what will really happen to us going forward.

I knew someone who used to swear the same thing about losing his wife. Well, sadly, he did lose her and he did not kill himself. He actually went on to remarry. He still loves her with all his heart but he did find a way to move on. He loves his new wife just as much and they have a great marriage. His first wife had always said she’d want him to remarry and have a good life. 

As for your hair loss…I know you didn’t ask, but there are things you can do. Rosemary oil, rosemary infused water, rogaine (5%) can all help. See a dermatologist now, before yourhair follicles die. Once that happens nothing will help. Good luck!!!


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm sorry your husband has put such a weight on your shoulders. 

Do you think he is saying this to make you feel better about yourself?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> My Mom was killed in a car crash in London ten years ago. She had suffered a heart attack while driving and crashed her car.
> That night my Dad killed himself. He wrote me a letter saying he didn’t want to live without my mother.
> It’s not a cultural thing, some people just don’t see any way forward after the death of the person that they built their life around.
> I’m sure there’s some sort of counselling that he could benefit from but unfortunately this will mean that he always has your demise on his mind while he has the treatment.
> I really wish there was something more I could do to help you.


Leaving his children/grandchildren to deal with the mess. 
Had he waited a while he may have realised that the rest of his family were worth living for.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think that's just how he is but the truth is when and if that ever happened he might be surprised by what he would eventually do. 

Your hair will grow back. My sister lost a lot of her is doing a 6-month hospital stay and it's back and nice and full.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2015StayAtHomeWife said:


> He said it not a culture thing too, it is him.
> 
> He has a good job, he makes 6-figures, he work really hard. He always been debt-free, so it not like has any financial debt to worry about.
> He has hobbies, he is a long distance runner. He eats very healthy, hemayb take a very good care of his health.
> ...


Maybe if you had children/grandchildren it would be enough to keep him alive. 
There is no way I could leave mine to deal with that. 

He may or may not carry it out. It's easy to say until it happens. He would cause devastation to his family if he did it. 
You are not responsible for his actions, he is. You shouldn't be worrying about that, it's his decision. Personally I think it was wrong for him to say such a thing. 
If my husband ever said such a thing(which he wouldn't because he knows we definitely shouldn't do it)I would spend a very long time telling him how devastating his actions would be for those who love him. I would make him promise not to do it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yep. He may even marry again like most other widowers do.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

2015StayAtHomeWife said:


> Apology for my English, both me and my husband are not American, westerner/European.
> 
> We been married for 7 years, if counted his courtship we been together 11 years. And we haven't parted a day since.
> 
> ...


My suggestion is that you and your H read of death and the grieving process. It takes a while and there are stages that one has to go through before one get's to acceptance. What I interpret you H as saying is that he either does not know how to grieve or he has had no role model's in his life on grieving the death of a loved one. 

One of the large red flags of suicide is contemplating it. You might want to set up a seireds of marriage counseling sessions to discuss aging, grieving (which you have been involved with your two parents), and how married partners can help each other grieve.

Good luck.


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

He grief before. His father deceased (he only has his mom left), he spend a long time grief his father death.
He also grief his older sister, who got killed by a drunk driver hit into her car. He grief his sister death as well as his father.
So he knows what grief is.

He said it a him thing, it him lost the will to live and it him not want to continue living. It not that he can't continue to live, he can, but it that he "doesn't" want to continue to live (if I die before him or anything happen to me).


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

I actually show him this thread too so he can read the comments that suggest counseling. He doesn't see the need to, because he said no counselor going to be able to convince him. (not even his mother can convince him). He said live is a will, you have to have the will to continue to live, and if one day I die he just no longer have that will to continue on. 
He said when I die, he will very soon follow, all it takes is one second to press the gun trigger to his head. (and he owns alot of guns so I take his words seriously).

This probably the last time I talk to him about this as I'm still alive and healthy, there no need to grief my death yet. He is 36 years old, I am 37, so we still have alot of time ahead of us.

When I got sick I actuallly got sick with Covid, 2 months after I recovered my hair starting to fall out in massive amount. All blood work, thyroids, full body checkup, lungs, heart, EVERYTHING came out normal results. So there nothing indicate that I will die soon. Doctor schedule me to see a dermatologist to help see why my hair falling out in massive amount, but my doctor said it just a result of being sick. 
My hair just thinning so bad, it like the hair follicles all over my head shed at the same time, so it thin out evenly all over my head. But baby hair is growing, so I guess eventually it will come back to the thickness prior covid.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well you are both very young so its not likely to be an issue for decades yet. 

In the end its his decision but it must be pretty distressing for his mum.
He doesn't actually know what he would do though. Killing yourself isn't an easy thing to do. He may well change his mind.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I trully hope it´s not really a TJ but sharing what may be a somehow related experience.
Of course, only a personal one. But against the flow I think that we, humans have in common more significative things than the oh-so-sacred individual singularities a-la-mode..

I knew what a kind of love was, the one between a woman and a man, in my mature years, my early sixties.
Where the best years of my life.
Cancer won, she is no more with me.

Two sides of the same.
I will go on living. I enjoy my family, my friends, art, my professional practice, the laugh of children, martial arts, life...
Even so, I know now that a bold aspect of mine is closed.
I´ve even tried but no way, she was my love, THE woman of my life, a one of which kind I will not find again.

Is this as it should be?
I don´t kow and I doubt that shoud be good for anyone else. I wouldn´t advice such a thing.
It´s my path.

Best wishes and happiness to you all.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

2015StayAtHomeWife said:


> I actually show him this thread too so he can read the comments that suggest counseling. He doesn't see the need to, because he said no counselor going to be able to convince him. (not even his mother can convince him). He said live is a will, you have to have the will to continue to live, and if one day I die he just no longer have that will to continue on.
> He said when I die, he will very soon follow, all it takes is one second to press the gun trigger to his head. (and he owns alot of guns so I take his words seriously).
> 
> This probably the last time I talk to him about this as I'm still alive and healthy, there no need to grief my death yet. He is 36 years old, I am 37, so we still have alot of time ahead of us.
> ...


I’d say it’s time to stop talking about it with him. What will be will be. You are healthy now so no need to dwell on it.

As for your hair, losing large amounts of hair after an illness, especially Covid is very common. I had Covid 2 years ago and mine is still very thin in certain areas. In my post above I gave some OTC treatments that can help but if you wait too long nothing will help. Good luck!!!


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

_eta_


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You telling him you wanted him dead was very cruel, but what he did was totally crazy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The magic dissolved, my kind words, they vanished!



_King Brian-_


----------



## 2015StayAtHomeWife (Dec 9, 2021)

_eta_


----------

