# Advice w/ex-swinger



## v1nc3 (Dec 9, 2010)

Hi folks,
Brand new here and am looking for some relationship guidance.

Here goes....

Met my my g/f 8 months ago on internet. we are both going through divorces. her b/f at the time passed b4 we met and they were swingers. i, however am not. we get along well, the sex life is amazing (every day for 8 months, sometimes multiple times). we also have a great relationship and view alot of things the same way. recently i found some otherwise interesting communications with a friends husband and confronted her on it. she said it was just fulfilling a fantasy they were sharing and told me they kissed on occasion, but it was nothing to worry about. im pretty open minded and am not sure how to proceed with this. I did ask if there was sex with anyone else, of course the expected response. since that time, 7 months into our relationship and the fact i cant get enough of her and she tells me the same thing.... is this enough for me to question our relationship to be strong and there for each other, or am i trying too hard to read between the lines?

thanks...


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

hi..

is the friends husband and wife swinges as well? I ask this because if they are not she is definalty well over the line of respect for a friend let alone a marriage...and did this mans wife know about the "fantasy they were fulfilling? 

As for your relationship the fact that you have had sex every day for 8 months sometimes multiple times a day is great for you guys but i just wonder is this what your relationship is based on? would things change at all if your sex was not so frequent? 

as for the swinger thing only you can decide what is and isnt ok with your relationship.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

v1nc3 said:


> Hi folks,
> Brand new here and am looking for some relationship guidance.
> 
> Here goes....
> ...


First. You are better than me, once she told me she was a swinger... i'd would of been out shortly after that if i was looking for wife material.


Second. Whatever you envisioned happening between those 2, just admit to yourself that you got the "watered down" version. See when i'm dating another woman, we together as a couple don't have the freedom to be kissing other people intimately. People have broken up over this, you've seem to have moved past it rather quickly. My whole thing is...tread carefully. Don't get blinded by all that quantity of sex. Her vivaciousness may be the problem itself, she may be used too much of the lovin, especially from other people. She might not be ready to settle just for 1 guy.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You need to know that the sex is likely going to decrease after you've been together awhile. I've noticed that it takes about a year to eighteen months. You go at it like crazy that first year or so..then it tapers off as you move into a different stage of your relationship. It seems to be the normal course of events. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely. 

I would go into this with my eyes wide open. She shouldn't be kissing other men. Not anything past the cheek, that is. The fact that she was open to swinging tells me she might not want to settle down to married life, if that's where this is headed. 

Rob is giving you some good advice..from a guy's perspective. I hope you'll sit up and take notice. You could be in for some heartache here, and no one wants that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> First. You are better than me, once she told me she was a swinger... i'd would of been out shortly after that if i was looking for wife material.
> 
> 
> Second. Whatever you envisioned happening between those 2, just admit to yourself that you got the "watered down" version. See when i'm dating another woman, we together as a couple don't have the freedom to be kissing other people intimately. People have broken up over this, you've seem to have moved past it rather quickly. My whole thing is...tread carefully. Don't get blinded by all that quantity of sex. Her vivaciousness may be the problem itself, she may be used too much of the lovin, especially from other people. She might not be ready to settle just for 1 guy.


Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. I'm wife material and have been married for 25 years and my husband and I are swingers (occasionally, his "stuff" doesn't work correctly right now, but when it does...).

So just because you are a swinger, doesn't mean you're not wife material anymore than my husband is not husband material either because we swing.

If he's not interested, then he needs to tell her up front. If she is a past swinger and enjoyed it, she's going to want to be a future swinger. Better to get that taken care of right up front or there will be major problems later.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Once swinging gets a green light and a woman likes it, it doesn't usually get turned off.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Once swinging gets a green light and a woman likes it, it doesn't usually get turned off.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I think the OP meant "typical monogamous wife material"


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, I'm going to take a slightly different tack here on the swinging. I think you need to talk to her and see what she says about swinging. Does she want to continue to do it? Was it something she enjoyed but really only did because her ex wanted to? 

If she says she'll stop doing it, then you further the discussion by asking her if she's really ok with that or if she thinks she might want to go back to it one day. You make it clear to her how you feel about it, that you don't want to do it, and therefore you need to know that she is willing to completely turn her back on that lifestyle if she is with you. 

I think some things people do they enjoy, but they don't need to do them. You might enjoy a particular sexual activity, but if your significant other doesn't, you can live without it. And if you can't, then you move on. You need to make sure she understands this and that she gives serious thought to her decision. 

As for what was happening with this other guy, though...I do find it odd, and am inclined to say that if you're asking if she's cheating, yeah, I'd consider it to be cheating. Which, for me, would be grounds to end the relationship.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I had a Porsche 924 years ago. It was sexy and fun to drive but I had two small kids and I needed a family car. It made a lousy family car. You know you need a loyal, monogamous partner. You've taken up with a swinger and you're wondering why you're frustrated? A woman capable of having sex with strangers or multiple partners isn't the same sort of woman likely to be content with only one for the rest of her life. You've got yourself a race horse. Have fun and ride it like the wind, but don't expect to hitch her to a plow or a wagon and don't be hurt or surprised when you see someone else riding this race horse. If you know you need a loyal, faithful, monogamous woman, don't start out with a swinger.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Once swinging gets a green light and a woman likes it, it doesn't usually get turned off.


How do you know this?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> What's the point of bothering to get formally married if you're not going to be monogamous? Did you need the health benefits or something?


I did giggle when I read this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You see a lot of things the same way. Do you see the role of monogamy the same way? 

Let me see. Obviously among swingers there are many different ways of looking at things. For SOME cheating is even worse for a swinger than it is for a non-swinger. You need complete trust to be able to swing. And honesty is the single most important factor.

So is she one of those? Will she be DEAD honest no matter what?

Also what is the risk that she will be dissatisfied down the road with only one? Is she bi? If so how does she feel about giving up women? How would you react if down the road she said she wanted to swing?

These don't need to be deal breaker questions, necessarily. This might be a great opportunity to see how you guys do with communicate. See how well you learn and grow together.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. I'm wife material and have been married for 25 years and my husband and I are swingers (occasionally, his "stuff" doesn't work correctly right now, but when it does...).
> 
> So just because you are a swinger, doesn't mean you're not wife material anymore than my husband is not husband material either because we swing.


:iagree:



> If he's not interested, then he needs to tell her up front. If she is a past swinger and enjoyed it, she's going to want to be a future swinger.


Is there an emoticon for disagree? I TOTALLY disagree. I am a former swinger. While there is nothing STOPPING us, we just don't want to anymore. Been there, done that. We grew together and learned a lot together. But the benefit just is not worth the effort.

And at ANY time I could have dropped swinging like a hot rock and been with just my husband with no regrets whatsoever.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You've had a VERY interesting life!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> You've had a VERY interesting life!


I HAVE?? When does it get to restart? Right now I am just bored.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I HAVE?? When does it get to restart? Right now I am just bored.


I guess different always seems exotic to me. Boredom, I know that feeling!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> What's the point of bothering to get formally married if you're not going to be monogamous? Did you need the health benefits or something?


We were married for 24 years BEFORE we started swinging. Lots of reasons we started and we enjoy it, adds some spice.

And for the record, I've always had my own health benefits.

Sex with my husband is making love and an intimate, emotional connection. Sex with strangers is just that - sex. I know and can tell the difference. There have been no negative reprucussions in my marriage due to our swinging, different strokes, right?

You don't have to agree or approve.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I think the OP meant "typical monogamous wife material"


Typical for one is not always typical for another.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> There have been no negative reprucussions in my marriage due to our swinging,


For us, quite the opposite. We have learned a ton and grown together. The improvement in trust (and the demonstration of trustworthiness), the ability to communicate past mis-communication... All WAY better than before.

It helped break down a lot of barriers that still lingered. Some ways of seeing things that I see on the groups a bit. Like the B post. People are so hyper focused on cheating that tFB is the problem. I see the lack of character, or the underlying problems in the marriage or whatever would LEAD someone to consider cheating as the problem. A problem that seems to be not focused on in favor of focusing on cheating.

Swinging DID offer some challenges along the way. But it also taught us a ton about what we really find important in our marriage. It helped free us from stereotypes and really LOOK at our relationship.

We don't hold so tightly to each other that we squeeze each other our.==t.

But that's us.



> You don't have to agree or approve.


Amen.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> For us, quite the opposite. We have learned a ton and grown together. The improvement in trust (and the demonstration of trustworthiness), the ability to communicate past mis-communication... All WAY better than before.
> 
> It helped break down a lot of barriers that still lingered. Some ways of seeing things that I see on the groups a bit. Like the B post. People are so hyper focused on cheating that tFB is the problem. I see the lack of character, or the underlying problems in the marriage or whatever would LEAD someone to consider cheating as the problem. A problem that seems to be not focused on in favor of focusing on cheating.
> 
> ...


Thanks - exactly how I see it. The main thing we've gotten from it thus far is freeing yourself from stereotypes - there are a lot of good people out there that you discover through swinging that you might never had looked at twice before. 

We've managed to make some friends also. Swingers aren't always all about sex - relationships are established too.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> We've managed to make some friends also. Swingers aren't always all about sex - relationships are established too.


Same here.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think for me sex is meaningless without emotional connection so there's no desire to check out the moves/bods of other guys/girls. If it works for someone else I'm fine with it, of course, but I would never have a desire to do it myself. Different strokes for different folks...lol


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I think for me sex is meaningless without emotional connection so there's no desire to check out the moves/bods of other guys/girls. If it works for someone else I'm fine with it, of course, but I would never have a desire to do it myself. Different strokes for different folks...lol


:iagree: different strokes!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Typical for one is not always typical for another.


Typical, as in the majority of experiences regarding this topic. 

Not judging how yours or others feel about it, btw. Just acknowledging that people are realistic about their chances for a monogamous life with someone who enjoys a nonmonogamous lifestyle.

It would be unfair to them-self for being with someone who wants others and unfair to the person who wants others.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> It would be unfair to them-self for being with someone who wants others and unfair to the person who wants others.


I guess I would agree with you IF it was known that this person wanted others. The fact that one has done something in the past does not mean that they will continue to do it in the future. If that were the case, none of us could ever overcome any mistakes, for instance.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I guess I would agree with you IF it was known that this person wanted others. The fact that one has done something in the past does not mean that they will continue to do it in the future. If that were the case, none of us could ever overcome any mistakes, for instance.


The OP stated that they have daily relations but even so, this lady admits kissing another guy on a number of occasions and doesn't see that as a big deal.

I see that as an indication of her mindset and an iceberg admission (90% still underwater).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

v1nc3,
It appears your thread has been hijacked, so getting back to your question. My $0.02 is that your need to read between the lines, and discuss these issue with your g/f. There are great posts on this thread and know that you see the diferent perspective you can now address them with your g/f with regard to the concerns you have with the relationship, her feelings,and your feeling.

Read up and get informed with this swinging thing. It is a life style and the both of you need to be on the same page, and how can you be on the same page if you know nothing about this life style. There so many degrees to this life style, and you really need to understand them to get the big picture.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> The OP stated that they have daily relations but even so, this lady admits kissing another guy on a number of occasions and doesn't see that as a big deal.
> 
> I see that as an indication of her mindset and an iceberg admission (90% still underwater).


I read it differently. I read that she had FORMERLY kissed the guy a couple of times, not during the course of the actual relationship. That would seem to make a difference to me. If I misread, then I agree with you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

the guy said:


> v1nc3,
> It appears your thread has been hijacked, so getting back to your question. My $0.02 is that your need to read between the lines, and discuss these issue with your g/f. There are great posts on this thread and know that you see the diferent perspective you can now address them with your g/f with regard to the concerns you have with the relationship, her feelings,and your feeling.
> 
> Read up and get informed with this swinging thing. It is a life style and the both of you need to be on the same page, and how can you be on the same page if you know nothing about this life style. There so many degrees to this life style, and you really need to understand them to get the big picture.



I think that's a little harsh, it wasn't hijacked - we were still on the exact same subject that he posted about, just offering different insights and opinions - that is what TAM is all about.

Your post has repeated what some of the rest of us have already said. Thanks for agreeing and have a great weekend!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I read it differently. I read that she had FORMERLY kissed the guy a couple of times, not during the course of the actual relationship. That would seem to make a difference to me. If I misread, then I agree with you.


I just went back and reread the OP's posting. I still interpret it to mean she has been doing this after their relationship began.

It makes a difference to me too. If he is worried about activities prior to theirs, that is not a biggie.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> No one starts having sex outside of their marriage after 24 years of mutual monogamy just as a whimsical suddenly new preference.
> 
> It's an indication that there was some sort of relatively significant issues going on in your marriage which you (plural "you") couldn't fix for some reason. Going outside the marriage might be a very practical alternative, for financial and other reasons, then simply getting divorced.
> 
> ...


I do not wish to "hijack" this post, so let me leave it at this.

I hate to disappoint you, but there were/are no soft or hard ultimatums from either side, no threatened divorce or separation if one of us didn't go along, etc. My husband and I have talked about swinging throughout our entire relationship - its something we both experimented with during our first marriages, but after the kids came along and with our military commitments (adultery is punishable in the military), we did nothing about it until the kids were gone and our military commitments were finished.

Neither one of us were totally monogamous in our first marriages and it was never an issue then and never an issue now. Neither of our first marriages ended due to this behavior, mine ended due to physical abuse and his ended due to financial irresponsibility. 

Neither one of us are the type to stay in a marriage for any other reason than love and its where we want to be. He has said so to me and I have been clear about that on my postings on this site. I hate to tell you this, but it turns me on to watch my husband with other people (when things work). So sue me!

It may be hard for you to fathom that some married people are not totally monogamous, but it not only happens, but more than people think it does, you would be surprised! We do not swing every week or every month - its something we do when we want, no pressure from either of us. Sure, we have issues in our marriage just like everyone else - but this isn't one of them. 

And FYI...I was the one that said "hey, we're both retired, kids are gone, what do you think?" And he jumped on board. 

If you'd like to discuss in more detail, you are more than welcome to PM me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am quoting plastic even though I can't see his post...


> No one starts having sex outside of their marriage after 24 years of mutual monogamy just as a whimsical suddenly new preference.


I would be curious to know how much experience you have with this that you can claim that "no one" does this.



> It's an indication that there was some sort of relatively significant issues going on in your marriage which you (plural "you") couldn't fix for some reason. Going outside the marriage might be a very practical alternative, for financial and other reasons, then simply getting divorced.


What a load of horse pucky! The truth of the matter is MANY of the couples we met had terrific marriages that got STRONGER with the trust development that swinging offers.



> Seriously--what are the odds that two mongamous people, after twenty four years, suddenly simultaneously and mutually decide well gee yes, screwing other people might be a good idea.


Well it is not really sudden OR simultaneous, necessarily. I wonder why you assume it is. Picture this. At year 11, two married people are watching some porn together. DH notices that she is liking the lesbian porn. A couple of months later, he talks about group sex fantasy. Little by little they talk about fantasies or whatever. Then DH says hey look at this funny website. Did you know people do this? Then you start talking about gee I wonder what it would be like? Wouldn't you be jealous? Hmmm let's see... 



> Most likely one or the other of you laid it down as some kind of soft or hard ultimatum, the alternative being separation or divorce and the person wanting sex outside of the marriage would just have gone ahead and done it anyway.
> 
> Pretend all you want, but you clearly haven't told the truth about this.


LOL! You may believe what you wish. Anyone else out there reading may take the voice of the people who have actually been there, done that a little bit more seriously.
I'm curious if you'd like to, though.


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