# Unhappy and confused



## Loveandhate (Aug 10, 2012)

I'm 29 and have been married for almost 4 years. I have 2 young kids (3 and 1yr old). My husband and I rarely speak anymore and when we do it's very tense with only necessary information communicated between us.

I've asked him to go to counseling with me and he told me I'm the one with the problem so he won't go. I want to give the relationship a chance to succeed but I don't know what to do to get my husband to understand I'm ready to walk away if he doesn't step up and help fix this.

I'm so scared for my kids. As a mother I want to protect them from the pain that will come from my marriage failing but at the same time I want to protect them from watching us fight all the time and growing up thinking that our relationship is normal. 

The hardest part about this is the lack of support around me. My friends and family, who are usually very supportive, just keep telling me to leave him. There is no one saying stay and try. It makes it so hard I feel like I have to hide how I feel and can never talk about whats going on. 

Any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are in a tough situation. It's not unusual these days for people to not support the idea of working on a tough marriage. They think that divorce is an easy solution. It's not.

I'd like some more info to help figure out what is going on. 

How old is your husband?
How many hours a week does he work?
Do you work outside the home? If so how many hours a week do you work?
Does he do any housework? yardwork? childcare?

Does he yell a lot? Does he put you down? Does he push, hit, shove you.. or do any other kind of physical abuse?

What does he tell you your problem is? 

Why do you think this breakdown has happened in your marriage?

Do the two of you have a sex life anymore? If so how is it? If not do you turn him down? Does he try at all?


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## Loveandhate (Aug 10, 2012)

No he is not abusive at all in any way. We both have demanding jobs and work 50+ hrs a week. My husband is 33 and I'm 29
To answer your other questions he doesnot do any house work at all. The yard work is done by the complex we live in. As for the child care he is good at having fun with them but doesn't do well with other things lie feeding them healthy meals or having structured days. 

Our sex life is almost non existent. He tries but I don't want anything to do with it, I don't want him to touch me. I'm not usually like this in fact I'm a very sexual person but I can't allow someone be with me when here is virtually no respect left.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does your husband say the problem is?

Sorry... still trying to get the big picture.


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## Loveandhate (Aug 10, 2012)

He typically doesn't say he huts down or turns everything around on me when I try to talk to him. He becomes very defensive and mocking no matter how I approach the subject so I'm not sure what he truly thinks the issue is.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Its good to read that your not buying into " leave him, get divorce". 
He needs to get onboard with therapy. Draw a line in the sand and demand he goes.
Sounds fixable if you both work at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveandhate (Aug 10, 2012)

I wish it was as easy as demanding he go to counseling. I honestly feel he would take the "easy" way out and let everything go.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Marriage sometimes is harder than work and raising kids. But if he really loves you and wants it work he HAS to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

My experience with telling my marital problems to family & friends was the same as yours "just leave." Really bad advice & you know it is just not that simple especially with children. I think they want you to be happy & are looking for a quick fix.

Stop complaining (that is how they see it) about your H to family & friends. Find a counselor or someone else to talk about it.

Your H sounds like my ex. He did NOT want to hear about marital problems and/or my unhappiness - a LOT of men are like that (no disrespect to men).

Keep researching ways to improve your marriage & get that love feeling back. You owe it to yourself & your children to figure it out.


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## Loveandhate (Aug 10, 2012)

Emerald thank you! I've spoken yogi many ppl profession and non about this but ultimately WE as a couple have to get help together and that is something I can't make him do with me. 

I know I'm not perfect and we feed off of each others reactions and attitudes. But I also feel I deserve someone who will love me and cherish me. I also feel he deserves the same. I can honestly say I definitely dont feel cherished at all I actually feel used. I will continue to try to get this right but I can only do so much on my own and ultimately nothing will change if I'm trying by myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you are at a stale mate. So one of you has to make the first move to change.

There are several things you can do to turn things around but it will mean that you will have to be the bigger person. IMHO, it’s well worth doing to save a marriage and your children’s family.

As you know, you cannot change him. But you can change the way you interact with him. And in the long run he will have to change when you do.

Start treating him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). Stop trying to talk to him about your relationship issues. That is obviously not working.

Go to counseling yourself if you have the time and can afford it. Otherwise you can do a lot of the same things that would go on in counseling by reading some good books, talking to people here, and doing a lot on looking at yourself. Remember that you are concentrating on yourself and not your marriage and not him.

Read the book “Divorce Busting”, pay special attention to the story about the otter (yes the animal) and the section on the 180. It will explain how to use the 180 can customize it to your needs. It would be best if your husband does not know what you are reading so put a cover on the book.

After that book, others that would be of great help to you are linked to below in my signature block for buildings a passionate marriage. Read those next. 

It’s my opinion that these 4 books are better than hours and hours of counseling.

Now for the tough topic, if you want your marriage to improve you are going to have to change the way you approach your sex life. I understand how you feel right now. But you will never get a man to work on marriage recovery if you are deny him sex. Sex is at the core of love for a man. It’s how they show their love and feel loved. And I don’t mean duty sex. 

Plus, the longer you go without sex with your husband the more upset you will get with him the more you will not want him to touch you. Here are some articles that explain how sex and the human body work to produce oxytocin and to bind a couple together. Without a good dose of oxytocin in your husband’s system you trying to talk to him about fixing your marriage will be about the same as sprinkling water in a fry pan with hot oil…. 

Oxytocin

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)

“While most of us suffer from living in an anti-touch society, women tend feel more touch-starved than men, probably due to the fact that they have more estrogen. A woman who is not receiving enough touch becomes withdrawn and even depressed. In this condition a woman can become strongly, and even violently, opposed to sexual touch. If the situation continues, she may become so withdrawn that she is no longer open to the very touch she needs.

So how do we touch more? Mostly we need to be aware of the need. We need to retrain ourselves and look for opportunities to touch. Even a gentle brief touch has an effect, and the more the better. Learn to walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. When you … watch TV, or sit talking to friends, sit close enough to touch each other. When you're both reading find a way to be in contact with each other ... even sitting at opposite ends of the couch with your feet touching will work. When you are eating together play footsies. Rub each other's shoulders or feet, or give a long massage. Do anything which brings your body into contact with your spouse, and do it often.”


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## CodeComplete (Aug 9, 2012)

Maybe you can tell that MC is not about fixing HIM but is about helping the marriage. A lot of guys feel like they will be ganged up on in MC and be told they are the problem. The truth, while he may be most of the problem, you are in this together. Tell him that you accept responsibility too. Just my 2 cents worth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loveandhate said:


> Emerald thank you! I've spoken yogi many ppl profession and non about this but ultimately WE as a couple have to get help together and that is something I can't make him do with me.
> 
> I know I'm not perfect and we feed off of each others reactions and attitudes. But I also feel I deserve someone who will love me and cherish me. I also feel he deserves the same. I can honestly say I definitely dont feel cherished at all I actually feel used. I will continue to try to get this right but I can only do so much on my own and ultimately nothing will change if I'm trying by myself.


While you cannot change your marriage on your own, you can influence the direction your marriage goes in by you making changes in yourself first and by starting to do the necessary work on your own for a while... if you change, he has to change...

Again read the "Divorce Busting" book and do the 180.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Why do you feel used?


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