# Should I participate?



## andyhenson2014 (May 11, 2014)

Several weeks after I got the "need space" talk, and after 3 weeks of separation, W says she wants a D. She's done, feels trapped, says she doesn't feel the same way about me, says ILYBIANILWY, says we NEVER had any good times together, etc. 

I will freely admit that i have not been emotionally "there" for her. I am in IC right now to work on those issues and I'm trying to focus on "working on me". Exercising, eating better, trying new hobbies. But it's hard when she throws the D wrench into the mix.

She wants me to actively participate in the D process, trying to convince me that it's something we should BOTH want. Should I do that if it's NOT something I want? I vowed to stay by her side for better or worse and I take my vows very seriously. I told her if she wants to file, she can go ahead and do it. I will not be a part of it. She says she doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I should not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them. 

In the very little contact we've had over the past few weeks, she tried to bait me into fights over little things. It's very subtle but i'm noticing it more. What is that all about?

I don't want a D and I still love her. I think deep down, she still loves me but is convincing herself that she doesn't love me. Help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you don't understand the divorce process.

If she wants a divorce, the court will grant her one. You have no say in that.

But if you do not participate, then she files. You ignore the filing and the judge grants her everything she asked for. She could ask for 100% of your assets and 30%-50% of your income for life. If you have children.. full custody and child support too.

IF she files and you then finally wake up and get a clue, you both will spend 10's of thousands to get a divorce.

If the two of you work out an agreement you might have some thing left after the divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you not been emotionally there for her and only working on yourself?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are better off working with her than trying to drag your feet. 

Being needy and immature about the divorce process will not win her heart back. Probably nothing will, but that will just make it prolonged and painful. Get your head together and get on with life. 

You need to take care of yourself and part of that is moving on. If she won't agree to try there is nothing you can do to change her mind and begging will just make her want to flee faster.


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## andyhenson2014 (May 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you not been emotionally there for her and only working on yourself?


According to her, for at least a year. I've been working on myself since the "i need space" talk because frankly, I needed work. I realize I have faults and I'm working on those, but I feel it may be too late and she's already crafted an exit plan. So confused.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Are you sure she does not have a boyfriend?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You can fight or decline to participate all you want, you will never be able to stop it. Based on some of your other posts it appears that you haven’t been married long and you suspect she is having some sort of affair.

You don’t have to agree with the divorce but working together to figure out the business and division for divorce would be your best bet especially since she is willing. Financially based on only 3 years of marriage and no children it shouldnt be that hard to get an agreement in place. 

The more you try to convince her to work on the marriage the more she will convince herself its what she wants and resent will build up in her. Until she is willing to deal with any issues of the marriage you don’t have much of a choice. Your the focal point to all her problems right now in her head. Get yourself out of the equation so she has to face life without you. Cut your losses now and heal yourself and it sounds harsh but its your best long term plan


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Check the cell phone records.

Do the 180. Speed up the D. Give her what she wants.

Right now she is dumping you. Turn it around. When you dump her, she will have to face a new emotional reality. If she does love you, it may trigger her to reconsider.

Dragging out the divorce will only may you look needy. Needy = unattractive


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I was sort of questioning if she's been faithful to you. It seems that she'd be going a little slower in this process otherwise, but IDK. I do hope you can get her to change her mind and try to reconcile. You're doing all the right things in getting counseling for yourself. If she doesn't, it would seem that a judge would look favorably on all that you've done to reconcile, and not so favorably on her and how she's acted in this process. I'm with you regarding marriage vows ~ for better, for worse, you're committed to work things out and get stronger, not just give up. Is she willing to get counseling herself? If not, that's yet another evidence to the judge that you've done all you could. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs to you! 

~ Seek the Light ~


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