# Finally did it....



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

I finally decided to take the plunge and tell my Husband (of almost 5 years) I wanted to separate (and get a divorce when we could), I did this on April 28th. Of course he was shocked, I have no clue how, and we never got along, and tried to talk me out of leaving him. To make a long story short, we have been separated since that day, he moved into the spare bedroom in my house and we have had no physical contact with each other for a long time before that. We live in Ontario Canada and he is a permanent resident here from the US. I have been seeing someone since shortly after I called things off and things for us are going great. 

I am hoping someone can help me out here. My sister and I bought a house 2 years ago, she has a basement apartment and we use the upper floors. He is NOT on the deed for the house, and all bills are under my name only. I do know this is our marital home, and he is entitled to something. I am trying to work this out without using a lawyer for the most part, since hubs liked to drink, we really have no money, so seeing a lawyer is not an option unless I HAVE to. Now, how do I get him out? It’s been over 3 months and I don’t think he’s even looked for a place. He says he doesn’t have the money and will have to stay till he saves his first and last month’s rent. I told him I would give him the money for this and in his words he doesn’t want my “****ing charity.” 

So here we are. He lives in the house as if nothing is happening (started wearing his wedding band again) and I pretty well live in my bedroom or at my boyfriend’s house. I just want to move on. I don’t care what he takes from our house, I have told him to tell me what he wants, money wise and material things. None of that means anything to me. I just want to start my life over again.

Any help would be appreciated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. 

He's not going anywhere if he isn't legally forced to. He likes that setup just fine. Get a lawyer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

From your previous posts, it's pretty hard to believe you got with your boyfriend shortly "after" calling things off. Could it be your husband is pretty angry at being betrayed and has no intention of leaving out of spite?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> From your previous posts, it's pretty hard to believe you got with your boyfriend shortly "after" calling things off. Could it be your husband is pretty angry at being betrayed and has no intention of leaving out of spite?


Does it matter? I have no clue why he doesn't want to leave, he says it's because he can't afford it. I am looking for advise here, not someone to tell me I did wrong. I know what I did and didn't do. If he wasn't such a ****ty person, I wouldn't have "betrayed" him as you say. Thanks though


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> *Does it matter? *I have no clue why he doesn't want to leave, he says it's because he can't afford it. I am looking for advise here, not someone to tell me I did wrong. I know what I did and didn't do. If he wasn't such a ****ty person, I wouldn't have "betrayed" him as you say. Thanks though


Well, I'm sure it matters to him. I hope your boyfriend isn't also married because if he'll do it with you, you know he'll eventually do it to you (cheat).

Sounds like your husband is probably being truthful based on what you've said about him previously--he probably can't afford it.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> If he wasn't such a ****ty person, I wouldn't have "betrayed" him as you say.


Every time a cheater uses this justification, a devil gets its horns! >

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Hope you find the advice you're looking for, but if you did cheat, I hope you're able to find the self-reflection to realize you screwed up big time too. The solution to getting the wrong meal at a restaurant is to return it, not punch the waiter. The solution to a bad relationship is to end it, not lie to your partner and explore your options behind their back, while keeping them dangling 'just in case'.

If you didn't cheat, my apologies. That's just such a stereotypical justification line that I made the assumption.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get the divorce in progress.

Get some form of legal separation papers drawn up.for financial purposes and to at least add some form of legitimacy to your current relationship.

Start saving money yourself, have your finances separated from his.

On a relational note, diving into bed with another man so quickly was probably a bad decision and will complicate your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

truster said:


> Every time a cheater uses this justification, a devil gets its horns! >
> 
> Sorry, I couldn't resist.
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100%. I am not innocent in all of this, but I did not cheat on him. I was a good wife and I tried to make him happy, it's impossible. I didn't want to suffer for that anymore, does this make me a bad person? No. It does not. I deserve to be happy, I am going to live for myself now, I am already happier. I made that stereotypical justification as no matter what I say, people will think what they want. Nothing I can do about that. I am here for advice, not to be told what I did or didn't do.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, I'm sure it matters to him. I hope your boyfriend isn't also married because if he'll do it with you, you know he'll eventually do it to you (cheat).
> 
> Sounds like your husband is probably being truthful based on what you've said about him previously--he probably can't afford it.


He is also separated, has been since last year. I understand he can't afford it, just like I can't afford to live alone, but we have to, you have to make it work. It's not my fault he has no ambition to get a good paying job, I have one, I am set. He has left himself in this position wasting money on booze and sports. That's not my fault. Still doesn't mean I want him in my home.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Get the divorce in progress.
> 
> Get some form of legal separation papers drawn up.for financial purposes and to at least add some form of legitimacy to your current relationship.
> 
> ...


I cannot get divorced yet, we have to be separated for one year. I will have to look into a separation agreement. Saving money isn't really an option right now. I am busy paying off the debt we have.

As for your relational note I didn't jump into bed with anyone. I met someone, not intentionally. It just happened. I am very happy with this person. We are getting to know each other and having a good time. Who knows what will happen.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I cannot get divorced yet, we have to be separated for one year. I will have to look into a separation agreement. Saving money isn't really an option right now. I am busy paying off the debt we have.
> 
> As for your relational note I didn't jump into bed with anyone. I met someone, not intentionally. It just happened. I am very happy with this person. We are getting to know each other and having a good time. Who knows what will happen.


You should be able to get financial separation taken care of so he can't keep you under a burden of his continued bad habits.

I'm aware of the 12 month waiting period so at least that is under way.

You might want to do research if you can't afford a lawyer. There might be some way to get your husband out of the house but you might be stuck until the divorce. Sorry.

As to your bf. I said what I did based on much experience. Your relationship might just work out but the vast majority of relationships started soon after a break up are bad decisions.

How long were you separated from your H before starting the new one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You should be able to get financial separation taken care of so he can't keep you under a burden of his continued bad habits.
> 
> I'm aware of the 12 month waiting period so at least that is under way.
> 
> ...


I have separated all accounts and even went back to my maiden name. So he pays "rent" to me right now, for the household stuff from his pocket and I pay mine from mine. Luckily the only debt I am left with is a line of credit for the house, which is only about $3000, he has a brand new car which is in my name, which I can do nothing about as he has no credit here.

I have looked into legal aid, but I make to much money to qualify, so that doesn't help. I was hoping there is things I can do without having to spend thousands on a lawyer, seems like he may have other plans. 

I met my BF a month or shortly after we split. He has been where I am, though he was cheated on multiple times by his ex wife. We are able to share our stories with each other and have a lot in common. It's nice to have someone to talk to. As I said, who knows what will happen.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Everything sounds pretty good financially except the car. Are you on the hook for payments or insurance?

Could you be held responsible for any collisions he is in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is the thing about bonding over emotional pain. Eventually it fades and the commonality diminishes and other incompatibilities pop up. You both share a bond over the marital disasters, and there is a need to connect with another person to share intimacy.

Also, people will bring their baggage into the new relationship. Say neglect. Years of that could of brought resentment and when you see a similar behavior in your new partner, it can trigger past emotional pain.

Just do not make it more than it is.

As for your husband, it seems like you are stuck with him for as long as 9 more months. Even with a lawyer, I think there needs to be more strenuous circumstances such as abuse, to even kick him out.

If nothings works, just ignore him as best as you can. It may be something you just have to put up with until he leaves.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Everything sounds pretty good financially except the car. Are you on the hook for payments or insurance?
> 
> Could you be held responsible for any collisions he is in?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He pays the bi-weekly payments and insurance. Everything is in my name insurance and ownership wise. The lease is in his name, with me as the co-borrower. So yes, I am responsible.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> That is the thing about bonding over emotional pain. Eventually it fades and the commonality diminishes and other incompatibilities pop up. You both share a bond over the marital disasters, and there is a need to connect with another person to share intimacy.
> 
> Also, people will bring their baggage into the new relationship. Say neglect. Years of that could of brought resentment and when you see a similar behavior in your new partner, it can trigger past emotional pain.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advise. I am trying to take things as they come with the new guy. I understand what you are saying, 100%. He is the polar opposite of what H was, so it's an adjustment to me for sure. I am not used to being treated as an equal at all. So we will see.

I have a feeling you are right. I think I will be stuck with him. I would like to sell the house, sure way to get him out. Stay in an apartment and save some money. My Sister refuses and I can't do anything about that. She is on my case 24/7 about getting him out. So it's stressful to say the least. All of this so I can live a happier life. Seems so far away right now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> He pays the bi-weekly payments and insurance. Everything is in my name insurance and ownership wise. The lease is in his name, with me as the co-borrower. So yes, I am responsible.


Ouch! Too bad you can't get out from under that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Ouch! Too bad you can't get out from under that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Since he has no credit here, there is nothing they can do. And of course, we just got the car a month or 2 before I came to my senses and separated from him.


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