# Any advice on thoughts of separation...



## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. The past couple weeks we have been talking about separation. 

The conversation started when I went out with a group of work friends and *almost* cheated on him. (Nothing physical happened, but I was in the car ready to go to his house). I told him about it the next day and he said that he's been seeing a separation coming for almost a year. I was in shock... I knew everything wasn't going great and I had been thinking about it for a few months but a year? Anyway, we've gone back and forth between splitting and staying. Yesterday I asked him straight out - regardless of my feelings do you want to stay or split - he said split. I sort of agreed. After this conversation we had the best afternoon together that we have had in MONTHS. I'm not sure if it's because we both feel relief or what but we both seemed okay with the idea.

We are both unhappy in the relationship but we do still love each other. We are amicable with each other but we're just not happy. In his words, "I love you but I just don't like the person you are anymore." I believe that my *almost* cheating came from the unhappiness and the lack of affection in our relationship anymore. It was nice, for once, to have someone show any sort of interest or affection in me.

At this point we have a few options (we had signed a lease for a new apartment at the end of the month). Either choice I will be going to counseling (trying to convince him to go).
1. Move in together and pretend this never happened.
2. Move in together but have separate bedrooms.
3. Move into separate apartments

We have no kids, no shared accounts, no shared property. Can separation w/counseling help us?

Advice? Help? Please! Thanks!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sure, counseling might help, with or without the separation. Since you're not actually fighting, I'd guess that being together through counseling would be most effective.

But counseling will ONLY be effective if both of you are 100% invested into making it work. Otherwise you might as well separate. And if it was me, I wouldn't consider the "in-home" separation. That just has issues written all over it, especially if you're already considering "cheating". What do you think will happen when you want to start dating? Why would you voluntarily put either of you through that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SS668 (Jul 3, 2011)

In my opinion, I think you should separate with two separate apartments. Attention/affection can be addicting and euphoric, but doesn't always bring genuine happiness. Since there are no children involved, the physical separation will show you if you truly want to be together or if you are happier by yourself. I agree that the counseling will not work if both parties are not truly investing in fixing the issues. You are just wasting time and money.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

He wants out (said so definitively) and you are ready to cheat on him, so what exactly do you expect to accomplish in counseling? Move into separate apartments and avoid the expense of lawyers by agreeing to the terms of divorce and filing for it together.


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## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

Thanks for the advice all.

Today, to add to my confusion, he told me that maybe he doesn't want to split up. He said he is excited to move into the city and all the things that there will be to do there but he doesn't want to do them without me. Then tonight he claimed he 'just wants to be alone.' What gives?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

How do you feel now? Do you want to split and have your space or be with him? You got some good advice above it sounds like. Just make sure if you live separately you know what the expectations and boundaries are for both of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> How do you feel now? Do you want to split and have your space or be with him? You got some good advice above it sounds like. Just make sure if you live separately you know what the expectations and boundaries are for both of you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm having a hard time with my own feelings. I have felt the decline of affection and love in the marriage for a few months now but as we are both people who suppress our feelings it just built up. I want to fix it but I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons... which in turn makes me feel as though perhaps I want to split. I'm not sure what can fix it at this point, and neither does he.

If we do go to a separation we've already discussed that the rules will be set beforehand. No dating, individual and couples counseling, and communication but no contact for the first few weeks. Not sure if this will help.


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