# Not sure if I can forgive



## TheoneIlove (Nov 10, 2021)

The last couple of years I have been in a marriage that lacks intimacy. Very often I come home from work and my wife just ignores me or she will go up stairs to bed and not even say goodnight. I have asked her to cut back on her time facebook and other social media but that has not happend. I have never cheated and am a good provider for my wife and 13 year old son. However, just recently we found out that our son may be gay. With most issues that come up some how she seems to blame me for being the root cause. I was taken back when she blamed me for our son being gay. I owned another property before my marriage which was in a historic district of the city and the neighborhood was considered to be a gay neighborhood. I am not gay or bisexual. She also mentioned that the paint colors of my condo were feminine and that could be a reason whyour son is gay. She is an intelligent women and I have no idea why she would say such a thing. I think I am done! I love my son and will accept him if this is the case but I am not sure if I can forgive my wife for those words. I expressed to her before this conversation that I was having a hard time with the news of our son.

Any advice?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TheoneIlove said:


> The last couple of years I have been in a marriage that lacks intimacy. Very often I come home from work and my wife just ignores me or she will go up stairs to bed and not even say goodnight. I have asked her to cut back on her time facebook and other social media but that has not happend. I have never cheated and am a good provider for my wife and 13 year old son. However, just recently we found out that our son may be gay. With most issues that come up some how she seems to blame me for being the root cause. I was taken back when she blamed me for our son being gay. I owned another property before my marriage which was in a historic district of the city and the neighborhood was considered to be a gay neighborhood. I am not gay or bisexual. She also mentioned that the paint colors of my condo were feminine and that could be a reason whyour son is gay. She is an intelligent women and I have no idea why she would say such a thing. I think I am done! I love my son and will accept him if this is the case but I am not sure if I can forgive my wife for those words. I expressed to her before this conversation that I was having a hard time with the news of our son.
> 
> Any advice?


Your wife is NOT very intelligent if she actually thinks paint colors or a neighborhood will turn someone gay  No one "turns" gay. You either are, or you are not.

If this was your wife's first "offense", then I'd probably say maybe there is a fixable reason she responded that way. Your wife just sounds like a miserable person though. She probably blames you for the weather too. 

I wouldn't care _at all_ if any of my kids like the same sex, neither would my wife. But let's say my wife would care, I'd be done if she ever treated the child differently or poorly because of their orientation.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

The core of the situation is that she is not in love with you, does not respect you, and seems to have outright contempt for you.

It’s emotional, not rational. Of course she can’t logically and rationally blame you for your sons gayness, that’s not really the point. 
Because she has an abject lack of respect and desire for you, you are a natural emotional punching bag / scapegoat for the things that are wrong in her life. 

The question is, how did you allow your marriage dynamic to get to this point, and what are you going to do about it now?

Your current situation is untenable and you need to do something. 
Whether you decide it’s worth it to stay and try to rebuild your marriage (which starts with building and improving yourself), or leave and start a new life for yourself, you need to establish a plan of action and take control of your situation.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bobert said:


> Your wife is NOT very intelligent if she actually thinks paint colors or a neighborhood will turn someone gay  No one "turns" gay. You either are, or you are not.
> 
> If this was your wife's first "offense", then I'd probably say maybe there is a fixable reason she responded that way. Your wife just sounds like a miserable person though. She probably blames you for the weather too.
> 
> I wouldn't care _at all_ if any of my kids like the same sex, neither would my wife. But let's say my wife would care, I'd be done if she ever treated the child differently or poorly because of their orientation.


She doesn’t actually believe that, that’s not the issue here. 
Most likely, she just dislikes and disrespects him and as such, “irrationally” blaming him is a natural and expected emotional response in difficult circumstances.


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## TheoneIlove (Nov 10, 2021)

1


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your situation has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with your wife hating you. Your focus needs to be on understanding that the relationship you currently have with your “wife” is nothing more than a black hole. Ignore the symptom and get to the root.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> Your wife is NOT very intelligent if she actually thinks paint colors or a neighborhood will turn someone gay  No one "turns" gay. You either are, or you are not.
> 
> If this was your wife's first "offense", then I'd probably say maybe there is a fixable reason she responded that way. Your wife just sounds like a miserable person though. She probably blames you for the weather too.
> 
> I wouldn't care _at all_ if any of my kids like the same sex, neither would my wife. But let's say my wife would care, I'd be done if she ever treated the child differently or poorly because of their orientation.


The op’s wife is up there with the people who think that being gay is contagious.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A woman that does what you describe. Blames you for your son being gay????
How much hurtful can a person be? If he’s gay he’s gay. He’s still your son and not a bit less of a person. She’s a real piece of work. What have you got to lose if you divorce? I think you’re on the right track.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Well, that seems like a trying time for any marriage. The fact she is looking at the situation by how it is effecting HER, and not the two of you together, shows her mindset. She's likely always been kinda selfish I assume.

You really need to be there for your son at this time and he will pick up on or overhear her negative thoughts if that is what she is thinking.

Have you threatened to end the marriage yet? That might be a wake up call for her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TheoneIlove said:


> The last couple of years I have been in a marriage that lacks intimacy....just recently we found out that our son may be gay


I just realized that your issues with her significantly pre-date the new issue regarding your son.

You better quitely do some re-con regarding what she is up to.

Check phone bills, texts logs, email, see what apps she has on her phone.....

Has she changed anything about how she dresses / looks in that time? Does she work? Does she go "out with friends" often?

The change in intimacy and behavior 2 years ago is a pretty big red flag that something is up.

ETA: do not confront about any of this or anything you find until you fully gotten to the bottom of her behavioral change, if you do, she may attempt to hide things more thoroughly if something is happening.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TheoneIlove said:


> The last couple of years I have been in a marriage that lacks intimacy. Very often I come home from work and my wife just ignores me or she will go up stairs to bed and not even say goodnight. I have asked her to cut back on her time facebook and other social media but that has not happend. I have never cheated and am a good provider for my wife and 13 year old son. However, just recently we found out that our son may be gay. With most issues that come up some how she seems to blame me for being the root cause. I was taken back when she blamed me for our son being gay. I owned another property before my marriage which was in a historic district of the city and the neighborhood was considered to be a gay neighborhood. I am not gay or bisexual. She also mentioned that the paint colors of my condo were feminine and that could be a reason whyour son is gay. She is an intelligent women and I have no idea why she would say such a thing. I think I am done! I love my son and will accept him if this is the case but I am not sure if I can forgive my wife for those words. I expressed to her before this conversation that I was having a hard time with the news of our son.
> 
> Any advice?


Embrace it, divorce your non-wife wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

if she is saying those things to you, she simply does not even like you or have the slightest respect for you. You got nuth’n to work with in terms of you and her having a relationship. 

But how is she treating your son????

If she is viewing him like this, that is downright toxic and potentially abusive. 

If she is treating him badly, you need to not only divorce her but petition for custody.

Document every negative thing she say about/to him. Record it if at all possible.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

She's upset more than anything. It's time to get over that same gender relationships exist. And gay attractions aren't caused by anything other than the biology in the individuals involved. The gay attraction has nothing to do with parenting. 

I know what she said is insulting in the worst way. It's time for both of you to work toward acceptance. This is still the very same son, the very same person he was a year ago. Don't let any of this destroy your family. You have to at least come to mutual coexistence without judgment.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are more issues buried under the rug that the issue of your son (which by the way is ridiculous).
Why has your marriage lacked intimacy.
Why has she withdrawn from you?
Why does she not speak to you and disappear upstairs when you come home

There is definitely a lot more going on here. Sounds like a lot of resentment.
How and why did it get to this point? Don't you ask her?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

aine said:


> There are more issues buried under the rug that the issue of your son (which by the way is ridiculous).
> Why has your marriage lacked intimacy.
> Why has she withdrawn from you?
> Why does she not speak to you and disappear upstairs when you come home
> ...


OP needs to answer all of the above so we can have a better picture for the probable reason (s) why.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

I’d have been tempted to say back to her ”Maybe it was your ****ty example representing women/wives that drove him to not wanting a woman for an SO.” 

I’ll be in the repentance corner….


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