# BF stays out all night



## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Good morning all!

This question has two parts, so thank you in advance if you make it through the whole thing! I'll try to make this as concise as possible. 

Basically: How would you feel if your SO stayed out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?

About 5 times during the year we've been together, my BF has gone out with one of his uncles (an admitted alcoholic, married, but he stays out all night at bars. BF has even told me he doesn't want the wife's number because he didn't want her calling him asking where her husband - the uncle - is when they're out together), and they've stayed out all night. They both enable each other to drink to the point where they're completely hammered, and then my boyfriend comes home reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and I hate that smell. 

A lot of times, it wakes me up when he comes in the door blackout drunk. I like to deadbolt the door when I'm sleeping to feel safe, and I can't do that if he isn't home.
He used to come home hours later than he said he would, and now he just tells me he doesn't know when he'll be home. Apparently they know of a bar that's open really late, even though curfew here is 10pm for the pandemic. I end up worrying (he's had a DUI in the past) and I can't sleep through the night not knowing. Then, the next day he's completely useless and can't do anything because he's too hungover. Most of his other friends and family aren't like this...they'll go out drinking well into the night, but they actually want to go home after a few hours. My boyfriend is usually the one that wants to stay out all night. He used to not even answer my calls or texts, and after we argued about it, he started at least picking up his phone and answering texts.

That being said, I don't call or text him all night and I didn't even start worrying until about 6-7am, when I woke up and he still wasn't home. He and I talked in the past, he knows it bothers me, and he had agreed that he would ask me to pick him up (if its a weekend), or he would call an Uber home. Well, he hasn't done any of that since we talked. Whenever I'm out without him, I always make sure to let him know where I am and my ETA. And I'll let him know if I'm going to be late, without him having to ask. I just think that's basic respect and I just want the same from him.

He's also a terrible drunk. He has insecurity issues from being cheated on in the past, and quite often when he's drunk, he'll accuse me of flirting with other men (when I might just be talking to them and keeping my distance), secretly seeing or talking to other men behind his back, and several times, he's even accused me of sneaking men into our apartment when he wasn't there. Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out. I could say or do anything wrong and it will lead to a huge argument when he's drunk and at times, he's threatened to end the relationship. I used to have some close male friends, but whichever ones he was uncomfortable with, I greatly distanced myself or dropped them completely, out of respect for him.

Granted, I used to be either really flirty or really mean when I was blackout drunk, but I took a hint and limited my alcohol consumption as not to get to that point anymore. I'm happy now with a little buzz or just feeling happy/chill drunk. I also don't mind if him not coming home is planned...i.e. if he's going out somewhere further away and planned on crashing at a friend/his cousin's place for the night. Or if he's going out of town. That I have zero problems with.

The kicker is, he's admitted that he would be suspicious and upset if I stayed out all night and didn't show up until the next morning. Yet he does it to me, over and over. I came home 30 minutes late once from seeing my mother and he thought I was out cheating on him.

He sees his uncle about once a month and has asked me to hang out with them a couple times, but I don't want to drink for 7-8 hours straight and if I want to go home, even if its past midnight, he says I'm being a party pooper and ruining their fun. It's getting to the point where I dread him going out and getting drunk because I just know he won't moderate himself, and he'll get to that point where he finds something to get mad at me about. Once he wouldn't come home because he sat in his car, drunk as a skunk, looking through some videos I sent him when I was with my mom, and he got mad thinking he heard other men's voices in them. It was my mom talking (she has a lower voice), and I had to ask him several times to come back.

When he's sober, he's wonderful and I really enjoy being with him. Plus, we're currently on a lease together for another year so it's not as easy as just packing up and leaving. TAM, what's the best way to handle this? We agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to get across that I'm not trying to control his time with his uncle or his nights out, but be firm that the way he's behaving is not okay? I also know that he will bring up past arguments in an attempt to defend himself. I should mention that I also lied to him in the past (I made a past thread on this), so I have a feeling he will bring that up too. 

Thank you all!

TL;DR Boyfriend stays out until 6-7am drinking with his uncle, doesn't let me know what time he'll be home. He's also really insecure and nasty when he's past a certain point with drinking. We have a shared lease and we agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to bring it up, and be kind but firm?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

angelfire77 said:


> Good morning all!
> 
> This question has two parts, so thank you in advance if you make it through the whole thing! I'll try to make this as concise as possible.
> 
> ...


Hi. 
Sorry to hear about your situation. 

A couple of concerns here: 
1. Your boyfriend has a serious problem with alcohol...
2. Your boyfriend is enabling his uncle, who is an alcoholic...
3. Your boyfriend is manipulative (lying to your aunt by omission)
4. He is not respecting you. Not calling, worrying you. 

So there lots of options here. 
1. Tell the aunt what's really going on, as it's not fair to her that her husband is doing this and jeopardizing his family. 
2. Start going out yourself with some friends, and do not call him, do not respond to any worried text messages. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to change. 

Or... you can leave him, as this seems to be a recipe for disaster.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can do something about the lease. Tell him you'd like to break up and what can you do about the lease. Maybe he could take over the full payment. Maybe he could get another roommate. Maybe you could take over the full payment. Maybe you could get another roommate. Maybe you could both break the lease and each find another living situation. Leases always have solutions.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

He is a jealous alcoholic. What is the upside of staying with him? Do you want more of the same?

Ask the landlord to remove your name from the lease? Have him sign off on it. Then move. Or talk to your boyfriend about removing his name from the lease. I did this when I separated and the landlord was happy to do it as long as someone remained responsible for paying on time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s more likely to turn out like his uncle than he is to change. You’re better off doing whatever it takes to move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The alley leaves the cat when Tom permanently passes out in the cemetery.

Your boyfriend is an on/off alcoholic, the stuck/on one will soon every night make the bar and car scene.

Things will only get worse and expensive.

Be happy he is only a significant other. 
A husband like him would be more a bug-bother than a hug-brother.

You are a good catch, he is a bad smelling cold.

I vote to dump him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I only read your first question - I don’t date or get into relationships with drunks. 

If I’m seeing someone and find out they’re a drunk, I walk.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He is your BF, not your husband. DATING is the time you test to figure out if the two of you are compatible and want the same things in life to make a longer term commitment.
Seems to me that he has failed the test.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

This is ABSOLUTELY problem behavior that is only going to escalate and make your life (and his life) miserable...and if you stay with him, he's going to drag you down through the mud with him. You CANNOT stay. He is courting alcoholism here, if he's not already there, and he has NO plans to stop because he neither can see the problem, nor would he want to face it if he did.

Everything you described sounds so much like how my first husband behaved, it triggered a little anxiety in me to read it and remember how miserable it was to live like that. You have GOT to leave him and move on before his selfish, hurtful choices change you as a person and the way you see yourself. And before they start to disrupt the life you are trying to create for yourself in completely negative ways. 

That is your only option, or everything WILL get much worse. GOOD LUCK!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Based on this thread and the earlier one, I'm worried you're just going to stick around until it turns violent.

Remember... this is him at the start of the relationship, on his BEST behavior.

Also when you leave him, have a few friends/family helping out. Don't do it alone as it risks some form of escalation to try and ensure you don't leave him.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Boyfriend? I'd be calling him my EX boyfriend. Much easier to get out now, before the relationship goes any further. You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior or treatment. You deserve much better.


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Thank you all for the responses, I truly appreciate the time taken to read through and provide your insight! I don't know how to quote multiple posters in a single post, so I'll just kind of give a more generalized reply and some updates.

It bothers me a little that my boyfriend practically worships this uncle...admittedly, he was good to him and was there for him in times of need, when he was younger. But he very clearly hides his alcoholism from his wife, and lies about where he is. He also constantly makes plans with my boyfriend, and then flakes. I get that it's family, they have a certain dynamic, but when BF felt some of my old friends weren't good influences on me, he had no problem speaking up loud and clear about it and would complain or get irritated whenever I talked about them, mentioned them, or they called me. 
I know he can control himself with drinking, but he chooses NOT to. I tried talking to him about it (the third argument we've had about this), and he doesn't see why he should have to give up his nights out and believes he should be able to stay out until whenever he wants. Doesn't want to feel like he has to come home at a certain time, etc. Which okay, I get, no grown man or woman wants a curfew, but it's a matter of respect if you know someone's home waiting for you, and not stumbling through the door at 6-7am (once he came home at 1pm because he stayed over at his cousin's and didn't tell me. I honestly thought he died or got arrested) reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and then being completely useless for the next day or two after. Plus, I never know if he's randomly going to start a fight with me because he thought I might be doing something behind his back, when I'm not, so that keeps me awake too. 

Granted, he only goes out like this 1-2x/month tops, mostly because his uncle is a flake, and literally asked me to "get off his back" about it and just let him have a good time. Yet, once when I was 30 minutes late, he gave me grief all night and thinking I was cheating on him (I was with my mom). This time, he was better about letting me know that he was leaving the bar and taking a nap in his car because he was too drunk to drive back. About an hour later, I found out he was actually napping in the car in our apartment garage with his uncle in the backseat. He apparently didn't want to come up because he "didn't want to wake me"...when he could have just been quiet about it, come to bed, and his uncle could have crashed on the couch. The last time he did this, he was about to sleep in his car all night. Both times he only came home after I asked him to. I found that very strange and a little suspicious...is he doing something he doesn't want me to know about? Is that why he won't come home and would rather sleep in the car? 

And the other thing - he smokes when he knows I won't be there, because he knows that being a smoker is a dealbreaker for me (I have asthma, and I had an ex who was a chain-smoker, and I found it disgusting). In times when he's stressed, he'll smoke in front of me, and not care and tell me to leave him alone because he's stressed. His family and friends are almost all smokers, as well. Very often I'll find a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket, because his friends/uncle give it to him.

I have to figure out something with the lease since we still have a year left, because I know he's going to give me a hard time about leaving and signing my name off and get angry/guilt-trip me. He's also isolated me from some of my old friends who would have jumped to help me, and most my family live in other states. In the meantime, the next time he does this, I'm just going to stay out all night myself (probably just go stay over with my mom's) and come home the next day whenever I want. I thought about locking him out, too. Or I might just pack my bags and leave the next time he's out and wants to act disrespectfully and single. I know he acts like this because there are no consequences.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't understand your post. So are you terminating this relationship, or not?


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Yes, I'm planning on it. I kind of feel stuck right now. I tried to compromise with him but Sunday was the first time I saw him absolutely not care that I wanted to go home because I had work the next day, and he was dead-set on getting blasted that night. He was rude to me in the car, saying "don't be a party pooper, this was a funeral for _my_ family and don't tell me how to deal with it. I'M not the one that has to work tomorrow.". Even though earlier that day, he said he barely knew the deceased person and was just going to support his cousin (it was her father that died, and she didn't even come out with us afterward). When I talked to him, he was like "well I'm gonna want to party sometimes without you, and if you can't deal with that, then this will never work." Totally missing the point of why I was upset.

I have tried to leave him before, but he usually guilt-trips me, gets angry, and then begs me to stay, and I end up giving in, then things are fine for awhile, and then something else happens. He will also bring up my past behavior and our past arguments during a fight as well, and I have nothing to say to that so I just shut down. 

I also have to figure out what I'm going to do about another place to live, and about the lease...I have no idea how to get out of a shared lease, since I'm sure he will give me a lot of trouble to sign my name off, I doubt he will be the one to leave, and it's sad because I really do like the apartment building we live in and the location. I have to get all my ducks in a row.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This guy is nothing but a partying loser. If you stay with him your life will be one train wreck after another, a lifetime of struggles and drama. 

One life lesson you need to learn is self preservation, that means protecting yourself in a lot of different ways. In this case it's admitting someone you feel you love is catastrophically destructive to your life and well being, and having the strength to banish that person from your life. 

You probably think I'm being extreme but I'm not, I'm speaking from a place of maturity and experience. Fill your life with quality people, it's a choice you get to make.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

angelfire77 said:


> literally asked me to "get off his back" about it and just let him have a good time.


So it's ok for HIM to regulate who YOU see (he doesn't like your friends) but will NOT allow YOU any sort of the same?


angelfire77 said:


> He's also isolated me from some of my old friends who would have jumped to help me, and most my family live in other states.


These two items above smack of the fact that he is a VERY controlling person and it won't get better.


angelfire77 said:


> When I talked to him, he was like "well I'm gonna want to party sometimes without you, and if you can't deal with that, then this will never work." Totally missing the point of why I was upset.


You should have said "I agree this will never work. I am moving out and we are done"


angelfire77 said:


> I have tried to leave him before, but he usually guilt-trips me, gets angry, and then begs me to stay, and I end up giving in, then things are fine for awhile, and then something else happens. He will also bring up my past behavior and our past arguments during a fight as well, and I have nothing to say to that so I just shut down


So DON'T give in again. Him throwing your past into your face is again VERY manipulative and controlling. If he tries it, say "I've grown since then and don't do things like that anymore. The past is over and done with. We are not compatible"

For the lease, talk with the landlord, NOT him -- and see what he says. Get your ducks in a row, do NOT let him brow beat you into staying with him. He's a BF not an H, and you just are not on the same page for any sort of lasting relationship.


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Thank you all again for your responses. I know that we are not good together, and I know I can’t try and be a martyr by browbeating myself into trying to make it work.

There has been multiple occasions where he’s threatened to leave me or kick me out of the house (or car) during a fight that, 90% of the time, HE started. I took him up on it a few times, fully prepared to actually break up, and each time he’s eventually backpeddled and said he didn’t mean it, he was just angry and he deals with issues by wanting to run away. Or he’ll make underhanded remarks like “so you’re leaving me to be with your other boyfriend, you wanna go s*_k some other guy’s d**_” or he will become really self-deprecating and make me feel guilty, like how he knew he was unlovable, nobody ever sticks around for him, and how he knew he doesn’t deserve love, or how he knows he pushes people away. I usually do end up feeling bad and trying to “rescue” him. Its an awful cycle and I realize that now. 

Oh, and he got COVID too, likely from being at an unregulated bar where nobody was wearing masks and I assume, NOT social distancing. So now I’m stuck in quarantine with him >< I was vaccinated, but still laying low. For leaving, my plan was just to pack all my stuff up on a night he’s not home and leave him a letter explaining why I left. Its hard to get the strength sometimes.


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