# Is this a problem?



## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Hello everybody, 
I am glad to find this forum as no one in real life really understands me. We are married for 10 years now and we do have kids. My husband is a very nice man and I love him but we do have this problem which really bothers me. He does not notice me at all. It does not matter to him if I am looking nice that day or not. If we are going out for example and I spent time in front of the mirror one hour, he does not even say I look nice or bad. 
He also does not touch me, does not hold me and does not caress me. ( nor my hair nor my hand). He does practically nothing to make me feel like a woman. 
We do not have sex often, maybe once every 2-3 months. 
When we are with friends or kids, we do not interact. I feel lonely. 
I tried talking to him many times of course.
Is this a marriage problem? What is this? Please help me.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Unless you consider being mere roommates a marriage, yes you are having a marriage problem. I believe having sex 10 or less times a year also qualifies clinically as a "sexless marriage." 

You might see if he would read the Five Love Languages, by himself or with you. He is completely missing your need for touch and admiration. Frankly your situation seems way past the stage where you might resolve the issues by having a constructive talk between the two of you, however. Counselling seems like your best bet. Something is going on here where he lost track of you as woman/sex partner and now sees you only as wife/mother.

Good luck!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Yes, this is a problem if you need/want more from your partner. On face value, there appears to be a misunderstanding between the two of you regarding what you each expect from your partner. There are many reasons this can happen.

I have a similar situation with my wife. I have to let her know very directly what I expect.


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks for your answers. you know why I did not think this was an unimportant issue... Because other than this we have everything. Money, work, kids, no addictions ( to alcohol- gambling) no women.
So I thought we qualified for a good marriage. 
What is the definition of good marriage? am I mistaken?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

No one is saying what you have is not good. The definition of good is completely up to the two of you. What you describe would leave me wanting for something more but it certainly works for some of my wife's friends husbands. Everyone has their own individual needs/desires.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

That would be a big problem for me. I know many like that kind of arrangement but not me. I need to be touched in some way even if it's just hand holding EVERYDAY. It's my love language. Without it and I'm miserable.


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

It has always been like this so I do not know what a real marriage is like.
Can it be corrected?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sure. How you proceed may depend on your personal style and what dynamic you are comfortable with but it is extraordinarily unlikely that a guy married ten years with kids is going to risk any of it having a problem with the kind of stuff you are asking for.

And believe me, your marriage is real as real can be. Maybe you just need more now


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Yes, I talked to him and he is willing to do whatever he has to. but his personality is this and I know that it is hard to change. He has minimum interaction at home even with kids and he is a very happy man.


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Are there any resources I can read on this subject? What kind of problem is this, is it intimacy problems?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sersy said:


> Yes, I talked to him and he is willing to do whatever he has to.


This sounds like a really good start. Ask him in a nice and respectful fashion to hold your hand. This may draw a blank and if it does, gently and lovingly show him how you want him to do it. After some days of practice, explain to him the circumstances in which you expect him to do it. Follow up for a while and gently remind him when he forgets.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sersy said:


> Are there any resources I can read on this subject? What kind of problem is this, is it intimacy problems?


That's what I would call it and it could be as simple as just not knowing. If you find anything to read I would be interested myself


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Take a look at this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/24302-my-husband-doesnt-try.html


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sersy said:


> Take a look at this:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/24302-my-husband-doesnt-try.html


Thanks Sersy. Unlike the link above, my wife is involved to the point of over-involvement in kids and activities and anything outside our intimate marriage relationship. But when it comes to kissing, hugging, noticing, complimenting, nurturing, sympathizing, empathizing, ... she is missing in action.

For example, she is not at all inclined that we go to bed together. If we do, she will lie awake and talk about school, her mom, weekend plans, even the neighbors. Then she suddenly falls asleep without a goodnight or a kiss, touch or anything.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Sersy said:


> Thanks for your answers. you know why I did not think this was an unimportant issue... Because other than this we have everything. Money, work, kids, no addictions ( to alcohol- gambling) no women.That is great, you have something to build on and things worth saving. But obviously your needs are not being met which is a problem
> So I thought we qualified for a good marriage.
> What is the definition of good marriage? am I mistaken?I could sit here and list a lot of things that I think make a good marriage, like love, trust, honesty, but we are talking about YOUR marriage so the question is "what does a good marriage mean to YOU. Obviously all the things you listed above - money, work, kids, no addictions are part of a good marriage. But also obviously you need affection and intimacy which you are not getting. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting those things from your husband. Just out of curiosity has he had a complete physical recently? If there are no physical problems perhaps some counseling is in order, some private sessions for him and some for you as a couple.


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Thanks Sersy. Unlike the link above, my wife is involved to the point of over-involvement in kids and activities and anything outside our intimate marriage relationship. But when it comes to kissing, hugging, noticing, complimenting, nurturing, sympathizing, empathizing, ... she is missing in action.
> 
> 
> For example, she is not at all inclined that we go to bed together. If we do, she will lie awake and talk about school, her mom, weekend plans, even the neighbors. Then she suddenly falls asleep without a goodnight or a kiss, touch or anything.


I think we are the same. Are you showing these actions to your wife? Because I expect my man to show them first. I do not know, I might be wrong. With previous boyfriends they showed me all so I was always getting . 
We do not go to bed together as well  He does not care of doing so. 
And needless to say but I do organize almost everything at home. Kid's schools, kid's activities, family vacations, which friends to see on weekends. Everything...


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

He is physically in good condition. I always thought we had a good marriage because on top of basic things, he is honest, clever, he has good hobbies and so. If you put everything together, it is better than most of the marriages around. But I get resentful of him, when I see couples looking at each other with love and when they are organizing everything together. 
In my marriage, I am organizing dinners, weekend activities, vacations and everything.
I thought women were supposed to do these. He is very passive about those stuff. 
But around, I see men who are very active in these things as well.
I do not want to admit it but I get jealous of those couples. 
Thanks for listening.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

It is not good in a marriage to feel lonely. Your marriage will easly be fixed by educating each other. 
Try this,
Arrange a romantic evening for both of you (no kids), wear sexy and smell good. Compliment him for things that you appreciate about him, tell him how sexy/important is for you. 
Ask FIRST (before telling your problem) him what HE wants you to improve/change to make your marriage even more better then 
Be honest to him by telling calmly (do not complain) what you miss in your relationship. Tell him that alot of famlily do not know about 5 language and you both are lucky thast you will talk about it that day. Answer 5 love language questions. Tell him you will appreciate him to take the lead to organize events/dinner etc

Have hot sex. Tell me later, things will be great


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## Don (Apr 19, 2011)

It is kind of difficult giving you some advice without knowing more about the past few years. There are multiple reasons why he is not paying attention to you. Some of them may be out of your control.

Is he stressed?
Was there a period of time when you weren't paying attention to him?
Do you know what his desires and needs are?
Did you make being a mother a higher priority than being a wife?

These 3 questions might give you some direction in finding the answers.

Don
Don's fix problems in marriage blog


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sersy said:


> I think we are the same. Are you showing these actions to your wife? Because I expect my man to show them first. I do not know, I might be wrong. With previous boyfriends they showed me all so I was always getting .
> We do not go to bed together as well  He does not care of doing so.
> And needless to say but I do organize almost everything at home. Kid's schools, kid's activities, family vacations, which friends to see on weekends. Everything...


Yes, I showed these actions over our marriage but there was little or no return interest. I would feel that this was all an imposition on her due to her actions. I would back off and she becomes much happier with herself then I would take it up again.

So I recently brought this all to her attention and she said she is not capable of being satisfactory on her own due to childhood issues and that I needed to take the lead in working with her and show her and help her understand what she needed to do. So I started on a program where we would kiss in the morning when I leave for work and in the evening when I return. She was completely on board with this for about a week until last Thursday when she had a complete blow up melt down. But a couple hours later, she was a completely changed person, back in the groove and everything was OK. Until Sunday when she forgot about me and the kiss and was preoccupied with herself. I pointed this out and she said sorry and Monday morning she was back to affectionate. Monday night she forgets about the kiss again. So this is starting to look like her line of resistance and I am trying to work things back to the regular morning and evening kiss.


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## Sersy (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks for sharing. It is almost the same in my case. He would change for a few days and then back to normal routine. I really think this passiveness is personality problem. 
I am angry with myself because I always knew this problem but neglected it. 
I want a man in my life who is very active and interested in doing things with me. How do normal people and normal marriages maintain this? Is it this hard to have it???


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## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

_Sersy, I can almost feel the weight of your burden, to live with a man who barely notices you. But you are not alone in this encounter. Most men at some age tend to change and behave in a way that wives fail to understand.

Although I don't know the current age of your husband, I tend to think he is passing the age I label 'high speed', where most men by default are likely to disregard a lot of things in life. This is normally the period men begin to make life evaluations. I analogize with motor rally driver, who may be inclined to disregard some traffic observation to beat the time. All the same, whether it's the effect of that evaluational moment or anything else, you are obliged to get a good forum with him and share your feelings.

Make sure you don't fuss all the time when in his presence. Most men's egos get suppressed when a women they love keep on complaining over certain issues. Look for quality ways that will unveil the queen in you. I'm not trying to claim that you have not been up to the task. But I suggest that you try to reveal the hidden 'pea**** feathers' in you. If he never touches, you might want to try and give him a good touch. This doesn't have to mean that you are forcing yourself to him. But it might make him begin to see some new 'pea**** feathers' in you. Be innovative. 

Regards. 
_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sersy said:


> Thanks for sharing. It is almost the same in my case. He would change for a few days and then back to normal routine. I really think this passiveness is personality problem.
> I am angry with myself because I always knew this problem but neglected it.
> I want a man in my life who is very active and interested in doing things with me. How do normal people and normal marriages maintain this? Is it this hard to have it???


Yes, this appears to be difficult for you and I. Yes, it is personality trait. Some people may prefer it more than others. I think everyone and every couple are different so I hesitate to generalize about other couples.

I am very positive that we can have what we wish through persistent application of effort and unrelenting personal initiative. So it it a challenge, but so are many things worth having. I am still collecting ideas of what to do as I work on the situation at hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

12 times a year or less is considered a sexless marriage.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

I read couple of statuses here and just did some research about low sexual drive.. It can occure with men and women.. I found out that 1 out of 5 marriages have this problem.. I was blown away by it, to be honest.. Married people who have sex (or any kind of emotional interaction) once in 2-3 months?!!
Maybe this is your husbands problem? You said you talked to him and that he's willing to do whatever it takes.. So talk to him about this, and see if he would do some tests..


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