# Maybe an EA is Okay?



## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i know i am half way into an emotional affair, but i want to know from someone who can tell me when it MAY be better, because the marriage may be best to just let go of. 
I am in therapy. It's not making it any better yet. 
This marriage is a second marriage, 3 yrs, no kids except from previous marriage, and it seems to have gone cold. or I have gone in another direction and so has he. 
my emotional affair feels like it is my only lifeline, because of how stuck i feel in another failed marriage. 
I did not see it coming and I sure wasn't looking for it. I had just decided to do the best I could with my job and family and tolerate the distance my husband and I now have. 
what i realize-prob with help of the counselor who keeps asking me, 'what do I want?' is that i do not have any good, enriching, uplifting,supportive CONNECTION with my spouse, other than he is here. usually in the next room. 
and I am not pursuing my EA, but we work in the same field and when we are together we talk and it just feels way more supportive than what i am getting at home. 

what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.

what i also realize is that it does not mean my EA will work out where we end up happily ever after either. I suspect, which could be why I am stuck, is that it will probably end when my marriage ends and I will be on my own completely without any emotional support at all. 

i am not sure either if this will make me feel wonderful or horrid. 
one way or the other, i think i am ready to let the pieces fall where they may.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't know what you were expecting when you posted this. So I'll keep it short.

HELL NO IT'S NOT OKAY. EVER.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The only benefit an EA did me was to realize that I had poor boundaries and that I had flaws. It only destroys marriages. It was the worst thing I have done in my life. I have spent the last umteen years trying to undo the damage it had done not just to my marriage but my own phsyche.

Also realize that when one is under the influence of those brain chemicals you will do history rewriting and in general try to justify the affair. Pretty much what youn are doing now.

So no an EA is not a good thing. You need to go NC with your AP. Go through withdrawal. Could take a couple of months Then work on your marriage or divorce.

Also any contact whatsoever will start the withdrawal clock again. If you work with the AP then you need to change jobs.

Right now you are willfully cheating as you know it is an EA. You have to stop it.

Did you cheat in your first marriage?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Maybe you're just not marriage material. This is your second go round and I suspect when all is said and done you'll give Liz Taylor and Za Za Gabor a run for their money. Some people really like the rush they get from 'being in love' and once that goes they leave the marriage to look for another rush.

Also, could the reason that your marriage is going down the tubes be because you are emotionally connected to someone other than your husband? Just a thought.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Let's ask all of our WS that were in a EA to weigh in here. 

I am sure we'll get a recurring answer.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You say that the EA put your husband on notice, so I assume he knows about it. Have you discussed it honestly with him? 

It sounds as if you have given up on your marriage. If you do not want to save the marriage then be honest with your husband and tell him. 

You also say you are not pursuing the EA then say that you still talk to OM. Then say that you think the EA will end when your marriage ends. 

By talking to the OM you are still keeping the EA alive. So you are pursuing the EA.

What a do you want to do from here. Save the marriage? Divorce?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

No, what your doing is NOT ok. But, you already know this don't you.

So, you can choose to work on your marriage or choose a divorce but an EA is no solution, it's a PA(physical affair) waiting to happen. And you are putting ALL your effort into this EA right now.

How about putting some effort into your marriage. What about counseling, working on your marriage before your destroy it with this EA or the upcoming PA?

Your EA is a BIG deal, it's wrong, you are married, you need to stop this and work on your marriage. If that doesn't work out, then D, then pursue another man. This is NO solution, it will not fix your marriage, it will not fix your problems. 

Your counselor is right in asking, what do YOU want. You need to figure this out fast.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> What a do you want to do from here. Save the marriage? Divorce?


You forgot another option:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It went cold because you're not complete invested...and you're in an EA. Of course your marriage looks bad....you're in "the fog."


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I did forget the "do nothing" option.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

How did the first marriage end? I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you answered with "Cheating."...whether you or your first husband, makes no difference. It doesn't fix anything. and EA, or a PA, most definitely are NOT worth the risk. How can you make an honest effort with someone else added tot he mix? You can't! 

I speak from experience... cheating fixes NOTHING. My EA made things worse with my husband. I should have actually TALKED with him about how I was feeling.

For God's sake, woman, either work on your marriage or divorce the man. But don't cheat on him anymore. He doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly, no matter how bad the marraige may be (in your eyes).


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

the timeline though was that i realized my marriage was a wreck and although I kept trying to make it better, he was absolutely not trying to do anything. I kept telling him that he couldn't keep dismissing things which we REALLY needed to address. Then one day at a restaurant with another couple i realized that this was a bunch of **** and I was pretty much done with trying to do anything about it. He seemed to not notice. 

I have other friends, lifetime 30 year friends who are male, so it's not that i don't know how to have boundaries and yet be friends. Yes, there is much chemistry and a high, which I feel we managed to get through without acting upon. But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with. My spouse and i don't have many "couple" friendships, his are mostly single or divorced with no other women in the picture. I have mostly male friends. I am also beginning to feel that "marriage" is not as rewarding as everyone believes it is.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

what does WS mean?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

as soon as we were married my new husband says, "i don't want to lose myself in this marriage" then turned his back on my and dove into his computer and games


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Wayward Spouse


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with.


If you want to be single then get a divorce. I think you're in a one-sided open marriage and your husband has no say in the matter. If you feel that marriage is a 'prison' set yourself free. More importantly, SET YOUR HUSBAND FREE so that he can find someone that values him and the vows that she made.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i never cheated in my previous marriage. as far as i know neither did he. however, he spent a lot of time in the bar, so for all i know he probably did.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with.


You have made up your mind. You will not give up the OM just to save your marriage. 

Divorce.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Marriage isn't rewarding...when someone is cheating. My point is that cheating isn't going to solve anything. This affair will only make things appear worse in your marriage. If things won't work out with him, then divorce him. I really do believe it is the affair fog..the high...that is speaking. Of course you don't want to give up your AP. Why would you? You don't want to be with your husband. But the answer isn't to have an affair. 

WS = wayward spouse... which is what you are, what I was, what my husband was, etc.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

This is going to come from the perspective of someone who bears some resemblance to how you describe your husband.

My wife did what you describe and then carried it a step further while we were 'separated' against my protest.

I feel and felt terribly betrayed by what she did. Being married means following the vows that were taken and if someone no longer feels they can follow those vows, then it is time to either enter MC or start divorce proceedings. An EA or PA is a cowardly way to deal with marriage problems. Sneaking around or hiding things from people, by their very nature, are deceitful acts.

The only honorable thing is to hold up marriage vows until they no longer apply.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh, and don't even put this on your husband. Your decision to cheat is all on YOU, not him. You didn't have to continue speaking to this man once you realized that your feelings for this man had grown. But you did continue. Instead of focusing that attention on your husband, where it belongs, you searched elsewhere. It's on you, not him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you feel like marriage is a prison because you can't cheat, then you aren't marriage material.

I respect my husband and value my marriage, hence I don't allow myself to engage in activities such as this. I dont' even want to.

Maybe you're just meant to be single.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

so here is another element which i think may have something to do with my marital dysfunction. if someone can correct me where i am wrong. my spouse's former wife cheated on him. I told him before we married that the only reason a woman would cheat is if she is not getting the attention she needs from her spouse. I know he has always worried deep down that I would cheat on him and I wonder if he is re-enacting the steps to have it happen to him again.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But you're cheating. You aren't giving him any reason to think you aren't cheating. You aren't respecting him or trying to assure him you won't cheat. You are cheating.

Not his fault. YOUR FAULT.

You are choosing to cheat. Leave the poor man alone. Geebus.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> so here is another element which i think may have something to do with my marital dysfunction. if someone can correct me where i am wrong. my spouse's former wife cheated on him. I told him before we married that the only reason a woman would cheat is if she is not getting the attention she needs from her spouse. I know he has always worried deep down that I would cheat on him and I wonder if he is re-enacting the steps to have it happen to him again.


It is always the idiot husband's fault that he chooses a dishonorable, cheating, blame shifting woman to marry.

Divorce.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line. We are not sneaking around, texting and calling. When we work together we get along tremendously and there is definitely a spark. We have a trust in each other, and we Respect each other, and I am afraid to say I had lost both with my husband. My marriage was in trouble way before this guy walked in. i believe in doing the right thing, but people I have emotions and needs too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cheaters sure are selfish and see things so differently, no?

Don't blameshift. Don't point the finger at anyone else but yourself. You are ruining your marriage, not your husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you want to work on your marriage, then work on it.

Don't downsize your EA.

Work on your marriage or don't. But...give your husband that much . TALK TO HIM. Let him know how you're feeling. He can't read your mind.

Needs and wants are nothing unless talked about.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i don't know what you mean ruining my marriage not my husband?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> I told him before we married that the only reason a woman would cheat is if she is not getting the attention she needs from her spouse.


This is not always the truth. Sometimes a woman cheats just because she is a horribly selfish person. Trust me, been there, done that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> i don't know what you mean ruining my marriage not my husband?


You put a lot of blame on your husband to cause you to cheat...or be in an EA.

Your husband isn't the one ruining anything. You are.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line. We are not sneaking around, texting and calling. When we work together we get along tremendously and there is definitely a spark. We have a trust in each other, and we Respect each other, and I am afraid to say I had lost both with my husband. My marriage was in trouble way before this guy walked in. i believe in doing the right thing, but people I have emotions and needs too.


Count - time for that cake eating picture again.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> i believe in doing the right thing, but people I have emotions and needs too.


I wonder what your EA partner's wife would think about you getting your needs filled by her husband. I think she would be less than pleased.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

he is not married.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> so here is another element which i think may have something to do with my marital dysfunction. if someone can correct me where i am wrong. my spouse's former wife cheated on him. I told him before we married that the only reason a woman would cheat is if she is not getting the attention she needs from her spouse. I know he has always worried deep down that I would cheat on him and I wonder if he is re-enacting the steps to have it happen to him again.


Ouch! you actually said that to him? not only is it ABSOLUTE NONSENSE, it's quite cruel. 

This should have been a huge red flag to him showing your entitlement mentality. 

'Your last wife cheated on you because you failed to get the job done, you failure as a man you... so you better shape up with me or I'll do the same'

this is the message he felt in his gut... im sure of it. so again, ouch.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

honor, loyalty. 
sure thing. 
anger/hatred
i went through this, I gave my husband everything, and then some, I work hard, we have great sex. But he is not ever there for me. he is always going off to do 'his thing". I told him what i needed, he still didn't make any space for "us". I don't want to be Liz or ZsaZsa which is why despite my anger then hatred then despair then resignation that i would be in another crap marriage, not because I didn't try, but perhaps yes, maybe i am not marriage freaking material. This does piss me off. What's the purpose is being honorable and loyal, when your spouse takes it for granted. 

Where do you go for your lifeline when your marriage is in a shambles while you are trying desperately to work it out? 
Then someone walks in and seems to just fill in the missing pieces?
Maybe my husband is unable to fill in those missing pieces. He sure as heck needs to be present to try wouldn't you say?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In most respects, an EA can be far worse than even a PA. If you no longer love your husband, see no discernible reconciliation on the horizon and, at the same time, see yourself straying, just do the both of you a favor in doing the honorable thing and file for the divorce.

Then you can position yourself to do whatever it is that your heart might desire!


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

no i didn't say that to him, he said that to me all the time. i deal with a lot of people in my job and as i said I have old established friendships with men way before he came along. which he knew of before we got married. and I told him, that is his issue to deal with not mine.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Count - time for that cake eating picture again.


As you wish sir. (This was one of Lord Mayhem's favorite)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then you tell him.

"Look, I am not having my needs met. If we can't fix this or understand what is wrong, I will have to look at other options. I want to work this out, but you need to work at it too."

Then STOP talking to your EA friend and focus on this...good or bad...until it's resolved. If you fix your marriage, don't talk to this EA ...ever, really. It is a divider in your feelings. If you divorce, then, have fun.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So far you given reason after reason for not being married---SO WHY HAVE YOU NOT FILED FOR D---or do you just enjoy living in MISERY


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> ...and I told him, that is his issue to deal with not mine.


Actually, once you married him this became YOUR issue also.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Never OK, go home and start fixing it, one way or the other. You are short changing everyone by starting starting something while still in the middle of your current relationship.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> the timeline though was that i realized my marriage was a wreck and although I kept trying to make it better, he was absolutely not trying to do anything. I kept telling him that he couldn't keep dismissing things which we REALLY needed to address. Then one day at a restaurant with another couple i realized that this was a bunch of **** and I was pretty much done with trying to do anything about it. He seemed to not notice.
> 
> I have other friends, lifetime 30 year friends who are male, so it's not that i don't know how to have boundaries and yet be friends. Yes, there is much chemistry and a high, which I feel we managed to get through without acting upon. But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with. My spouse and i don't have many "couple" friendships, his are mostly single or divorced with no other women in the picture. I have mostly male friends. I am also beginning to feel that "marriage" is not as rewarding as everyone believes it is.




Why isn't separation an option ? Why is indulging in deceptive behavior a valid option ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> i never cheated in my previous marriage. as far as i know neither did he. however, he spent a lot of time in the bar, so for all i know he probably did.



You have a lot of male friends throughout your life. So you would probably cheat(which sadly is true) and did cheat in your older marriage.


See how ridiculous your presumptions are.. You are doing this due to the "high" of your EA. It makes it easier to justif your own sh!tty behaviory


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> so here is another element which i think may have something to do with my marital dysfunction. if someone can correct me where i am wrong. my spouse's former wife cheated on him. I told him before we married that the only reason a woman would cheat is if she is not getting the attention she needs from her spouse. I know he has always worried deep down that I would cheat on him and I wonder if he is re-enacting the steps to have it happen to him again.


You cheat because you want to. No one can make you do anything against your wishes...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> honor, loyalty.
> sure thing.
> anger/hatred
> i went through this, I gave my husband everything, and then some, I work hard, we have great sex. But he is not ever there for me. he is always going off to do 'his thing". I told him what i needed, he still didn't make any space for "us". I don't want to be Liz or ZsaZsa which is why despite my anger then hatred then despair then resignation that i would be in another crap marriage, not because I didn't try, but perhaps yes, maybe i am not marriage freaking material. This does piss me off. What's the purpose is being honorable and loyal, when your spouse takes it for granted.
> ...



Again, I don't understand...How is having an affair answer to this. Your H is a guy you once liked and loved. It is fine you fell out of love. Then you both move on. How is it fair that you start an affair with another man while still living with him and claiming to love him ? You wouldn't wish such humiliation and pain on your worst enemy. Why would you do it to someone you loved ?

What is your end plan ? How do you think this will end ?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You cheat because you want to. No one can make you do anything against your wishes...


Bingo! Even if there IS emotional detachment, cheating is the selfish response to the problem. And this is coming from the mouth (fingers) of a cheater. Either separate/divorce or go NC with your AP and try to salvage your marriage. Oh, and I will suggest that you come clean with your husband, but I suspect you will say "But we never did anything! I haven't cheated!" blah, blah, blah. Your husband deserves to know he married another woman who has chosen to cheat on him. Tell him what's going on... he may just choose to divorce you so you can go have your fun as a single woman.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

well thanks everybody for your comments. I guess what you're saying is it's better to dump him and run off with the ea than to just have an affair. so you think a threesome would be out of the question then? jk. 
no seriously, we are in counseling, so i will work to resolve the issue one way or the other, i just feel at this point in my life that Life is Short and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't. 

having a sounding board seems to help me really "see" what i am really doing. thanks again


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You have a lot of male friends throughout your life. So you would probably cheat(which sadly is true) and did cheat in your older marriage.
> 
> I did not cheat in my previous marriage. I was loyal and honest, and raised my kids.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And then you move on to the next guy... a problem surfaces...what happens? Work it out or have another affair? You answered your own question... the fact is, you don't even WANT to be married to this man. We are not saying it's better to dump your husband and run off with the OM. We are saying to stop cake eating. Pick one or the other and don't keep your husband as your backup plan. He should be your ONLY plan. And if the OM was such a great guy, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with a MARRIED woman.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.


Or you could have just tried talking with him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Or you could have just tried talking with him.


But that's too easy!


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i DID try talking to him. Usually he said, "I don't want to talk about it." and then leave the room, go to bed, hide under the covers. 

then one day when I felt like I was going to break in half over this I found an article of why women cheat and it hit the spot of what I had been trying to tell him,but he was not hearing. I sent it to him.He then asked me if i was having an affair, which I was not-but was sure ready to- and told him no, but asked him if he wanted me to. 
so he tried to be more attentive for awhile, but then fell back into his patterns. 
Actually, I am really not sure that he isn't passive/aggressive and he really would prefer to end the marriage, just wants it to be me to do it so he is blameless. 

the more I write the more screwed up I seem to feel. I have been wrestling with this for more than 6 months.


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

IDK -- I just finished reading through this thread (all 104 pages of it) and you might find it useful (it's the "I'm a wife in an emotional affair" thread). The wife in that thread seems to be in a similar situation to you: unfulfilled in her marriage, finding the emotional support in an EA, etc. There's a ton of great advice in the thread plus I think it helps to read through her experience as she comes to realize what she wants and what she needs to do.

Marriage is hard and I don't think there's ever a "one conversation = we're fixed" solution. It sounds as though you talked to your husband and he was more attentive and then you both feel back into old patterns. Fixing a marriage takes more work than just one conversation and it's not "either it works or it doesn't" -- either you both make it work or you don't. 

Also in terms of this:



idkwhat said:


> neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line.


I'm not sure what to make of that. If you're having an EA with him, you are out of line.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> well thanks everybody for your comments. I guess what you're saying is it's better to dump him and run off with the ea than to just have an affair. so you think a threesome would be out of the question then? jk.
> *no seriously, we are in counseling, so i will work to resolve the issue one way or the other*, i just feel at this point in my life that Life is Short and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't.
> 
> having a sounding board seems to help me really "see" what i am really doing. thanks again


Have you told him fully about the EA? If not, you're wasting your money.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So why did you marry this guy? What is your feelings or ideas on being a partner with a man. I think you said that he wants to play computer games now that he is linked to you. You could walk up to him in a bra and panties and a baseball bat, take out the monitor and say " Dear, I really need to talk to you!" Men are kind of thick but they will understand baseball talk!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Counseling won't do jack sh!t with 3 people in the marriage. Your husband is fighting a phantom enemy he can't see, who he doesn't know exist, and all your emotions are going to him. 

The bads in the marriage are exacerbated, the goods are minimized. 

*(1)If you do not want to be with your husband, divorce. Then you can do and see whomever you want and your husband can find another wife who won't step out on him.

(2)If you want to be with him, break off EA and go to counseling. 

(3)If you want to get counseling because you are not sure of either of those two options and want to find out if you want the marriage to work or end, OM STILL HAS TO GO as counseling is worthless when one of the participants is having an affair. *

Its as simple as that. 

All you're doing here is making reasons to justify your behavior. 

When theres problems in a marriage, you try to work it out, or you get counseling, or you separate or divorce. 

HAVING AN AFFAIR IS NOWHERE ON THAT LIST! 

That is your crappy choice to betray your husband and no matter what problems the marriage had, that choice is 100% on you. 

Go back to the three bolded choices and pick one.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

the ea started out innocent enough and my spouse would be sitting right beside me when i would answer the phone, so at least he heard my side of the conversations. sometimes i would share what was going on, most times he didn't seem to be interested. 

I married the guy at this point I am thinking on false promises now, because he claimed to have the same passion i had for a certain type of project, but then always seemed kind of reluctant to do it, and now says he does not want to do it at all. But they are large projects and i can't do them without some assistance. So i feel duped, because i told him before we got married, this is the direction i am going, with or without you, and it has been very fulfilling for me. It just so happens my EA is in that same direction, so the conflict is even more compelling. 

Perhaps I am not assertive enough to use a baseball bat, but after two years of "waiting around for him" while he does nothing except play on the computer and play games with his buddies, I said to hell with it. I am going to do my own thing and live my own life, but maintained my freaking loyalty to my crappy marriage. 

do i sound resentful? I got very mad this happened, because it should not have. I should not have been put into a position of choosing an emotional bond with someone other than my husband, but where in the hell was he and why do i have to be the one doing all the emotional work to keep it together?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

^^^Then divorce him so that you both can have a wonderful rest of your lives.,


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> the ea started out innocent enough and my spouse would be sitting right beside me when i would answer the phone, so at least he heard my side of the conversations. sometimes i would share what was going on, most times he didn't seem to be interested.
> 
> I married the guy at this point I am thinking on false promises now, because he claimed to have the same passion i had for a certain type of project, but then always seemed kind of reluctant to do it, and now says he does not want to do it at all. But they are large projects and i can't do them without some assistance. So i feel duped, because i told him before we got married, this is the direction i am going, with or without you, and it has been very fulfilling for me. It just so happens my EA is in that same direction, so the conflict is even more compelling.
> 
> ...


Then set him free. Do you think he wants to be married to a woman in an emotional affair who doesn't love him?. Divorce him so he can find another woman and you can do whatever you want. 

Currently you want to cake eat. Keep a husband as a back up and you be with OM and keep telling yourself "we just talk nothing is wrong with that" Yeah you'll keep telling yourself this until your buttoning up your blouse after sex, but by then your husband will be a demonized boogie man who deserves it anyways through wayward spouse blame shifting. 

Divorce. If you don't want him, then divorce.

A marriage is a union of 2 people, not 3.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> the timeline though was that i realized my marriage was a wreck and although I kept trying to make it better, he was absolutely not trying to do anything. I kept telling him that he couldn't keep dismissing things which we REALLY needed to address. Then one day at a restaurant with another couple i realized that this was a bunch of **** and I was pretty much done with trying to do anything about it. He seemed to not notice.
> 
> *I have other friends, lifetime 30 year friends who are male, so it's not that i don't know how to have boundaries and yet be friends.* Yes, there is much chemistry and a high, which I feel we managed to get through without acting upon. But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with. My spouse and i don't have many "couple" friendships, his are mostly single or divorced with no other women in the picture. *I have mostly male friends. *I am also beginning to feel that "marriage" is not as rewarding as everyone believes it is.


I keep seeing the bolded. Like saying I have had poor boundries and it did not impact me before means they do not have poor boundaries.

I have mostly male friends. Well there you go then.

What you explain is the brain chemicals of an affair.

Indeed you may not really want to be married. But ultimately this is just another one of those it is ok to cheat threads that attacks being married period.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

That statement is spoken by a cheater that has no character. No an EA is not okay. It is NEVER okay. You either want to participate in a marriage or you don't. It is time for you to pick. All an EA does is take time and attention away from you spouse.

You talk about his lack of attention. What do you do to get his attention? Do you always wait for him to make the move? Also if he is unwilling to listen to your concerns then open his eyes by asking for MC or a divorce. Do not do it by having an EA. That just makes you scummy.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Entro is an expert on EAs, please take note.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Suggest reading this thread and start to follow it.

Annie was have an EA as well -- and things seem to be getting better between her and her husband. 

Good luck !!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54243-im-wife-emotional-affair.html


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line. We are not sneaking around, texting and calling. When we work together we get along tremendously and there is definitely a spark. We have a trust in each other, and we Respect each other, and I am afraid to say I had lost both with my husband. My marriage was in trouble way before this guy walked in. i believe in doing the right thing, but people I have emotions and needs too.


An EA is out of line. It is unfaithful. It is cause for divorce. It destroys marriages. This IS cheating.

Again no excuse for cheating.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> An EA is out of line. It is unfaithful. It is cause for divorce. It destroys marriages. This IS cheating.
> 
> Again no excuse for cheating.



She knows, shes just too selfish to care. 

All affairs are perpetuated by selfish people.

An EA is cheating. No matter the shape, form, or circumstances an EA is cheating on one's spouse, period. Thats not gonna stop her from doing whatever it takes to justify its' existence though.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not all affairs, but most. Can't say "all" anything.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

One more thing... I know you will probably say you wouldn't care or whatever, but humor me. If you learned today that your husband has been cheating on you with someone who shared similar interests, would you be ok with it? Now, this is assuming you have been faithful all this time, which we know is not the case now. But if the roles were reversed, I doubt you would be as calm talking about it the way you are now. 

If you don't love your husband, get out of the marriage. If you do, even a very tiny bit, lose the affair partner... NOW!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line. We are not sneaking around, texting and calling. When we work together we get along tremendously and there is definitely a spark. We have a trust in each other, and we Respect each other, and I am afraid to say I had lost both with my husband. My marriage was in trouble way before this guy walked in.* i believe in doing the right thing*, but people I have emotions and needs too.


If that were true, you would drop the AP immediately and actually work on the marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> the ea started out innocent enough and my spouse would be sitting right beside me when i would answer the phone, so at least he heard my side of the conversations. sometimes i would share what was going on, most times he didn't seem to be interested.
> 
> I married the guy at this point I am thinking on false promises now, because he claimed to have the same passion i had for a certain type of project, but then always seemed kind of reluctant to do it, and now says he does not want to do it at all. But they are large projects and i can't do them without some assistance. So i feel duped, because i told him before we got married, this is the direction i am going, with or without you, and it has been very fulfilling for me. It just so happens my EA is in that same direction, so the conflict is even more compelling.
> 
> ...


You are so right. Your husband is a fool. You should not be doing all the work. You should not feel compelled to work on a marriage that has been so dead for so long.

You warned him and he failed to pay attention.

He doesn't deserve a wife like you.

Divorce him so you can move on and be happy.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> You are so right. Your husband is a fool. You should not be doing all the work. You should not feel compelled to work on a marriage that has been so dead for so long.
> 
> You warned him and he failed to pay attention.
> 
> ...


No reverse psychology TD. Waywards take it as the sole valid post and then throw it in the BSs face.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i can't tell you that i know what a good marriage would even look like. the ones that look good end up falling to pieces. the ones that have lasted 60 years, to be around them, they snap at each other for the whole world to see. the ones that seem to be a good fit, are funny to hear when the wife goes, "big, dumb Fred...." 
My marriages seem to be where I put in all the effort to keep them happy and **** my needs. I will tell you though I have warned all of them beforehand, " i am not marriage material". so why do i want to be married? I feel that the only reason to be married is if you are raising kids. I don't feel that I am not complete unless I have a mate. I do feel that having a companion you can share your life with is fulfilling though. 
I can't help it I have more male friends than female, my brother and I were very close, and I am an independent and outspoken woman. Possibly rather intimidating for being so. But after feeling so isolated in the last marriage because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking to my other male friends of long standing, i said not ever again. they are my friends and I will not be giving them up. They are practically family, and maybe if you had as dysfunctional a family as i do, you would understand better why i feel this way.


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> the ea started out innocent enough and my spouse would be sitting right beside me when i would answer the phone, so at least he heard my side of the conversations.


Two things: first, a large number of EAs start out "innocent enough." I recommend reading Shirley Glass's *Not Just Friends* because it does a great job of explaining the dynamic of emotional affairs. I found it incredibly useful in terms of EAs that start between co-workers. My husband worked with the OW and reading that book was like a blueprint for how their EA started. 

Just because your relationship with the OM started out as innocent, doesn't mean it's innocent now. I think it's clear to everyone here and to you as well that you're having an emotional affair. 

Second, in my situation the OW was our best friend -- we did almost everything as a trio. Trust me, I sat right beside my husband during a large number of encounters between him and the OW and it didn't matter. The night of their office holiday party he put his hand on her thigh when we were in the cab on the way home (I was in the front seat and didn't see it). Me being there obviously wasn't a deterrent. Not all aspects of EAs are the "illicit conversations" -- so much of an EA is diverting attention/affection/care/etc from your spouse to the AP. Just because I was present for a lot of encounters between my husband and the OW didn't mean they weren't having an EA. They were.



idkwhat said:


> I should not have been put into a position of choosing an emotional bond with someone other than my husband, but where in the hell was he and why do i have to be the one doing all the emotional work to keep it together?


I have to disagree with your characterization here, though I understand why you would see it this way. Honestly, this is a very common response from those in an EA -- it's shifting the blame. Please respect yourself and your husband enough to recognize that you made the decision to enter into an emotional affair or at the very least that you're choosing to continue an emotional affair. 

The solution to "I'm unhappy in my marriage" isn't to have an affair. It's to fix the marriage or end the marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Kasler said:


> No reverse psychology TD. Waywards take it as the sole valid post and then throw it in the BSs face.


The last two lines are the truth.

But yeah, I see what you are saying.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

mostly male friends? ruh roh


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> One more thing... I know you will probably say you wouldn't care or whatever, but humor me. If you learned today that your husband has been cheating on you with someone who shared similar interests, would you be ok with it? Now, this is assuming you have been faithful all this time, which we know is not the case now. But if the roles were reversed, I doubt you would be as calm talking about it the way you are now.
> 
> If you don't love your husband, get out of the marriage. If you do, even a very tiny bit, lose the affair partner... NOW!


our counselor says his games are the same as having another lover.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Problem is, it IS NOT another lover.

So, your argument is null.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> our counselor says his games are the same as having another lover.


Then your counselor is an idiot. Also if its IC instead of an MC counselor I wouldn't be surprised. ICs just deal with your side and not your husbands. 

Video games are a bad habit and a lovebuster, a definite problem in marriages.

An affair is on a completely different scale. I know you're trying to find justifications for your affair, but that is one hell of a stretch and you know it. You'd be a fool to believe tripe like that. Comparing a mild video game addiction to a marriage destroying affair is like comparing a shallow cut to an amputated limb.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

it's an addiction as much as you say an EA is. You should see how he reacts if you ask him to stop playing to do something else!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> i can't tell you that i know what a good marriage would even look like. the ones that look good end up falling to pieces. the ones that have lasted 60 years, to be around them, they snap at each other for the whole world to see. the ones that seem to be a good fit, are funny to hear when the wife goes, "big, dumb Fred...."
> My marriages seem to be where I put in all the effort to keep them happy and **** my needs. I will tell you though I have warned all of them beforehand, " i am not marriage material". so why do i want to be married? I feel that the only reason to be married is if you are raising kids. I don't feel that I am not complete unless I have a mate. I do feel that having a companion you can share your life with is fulfilling though.
> I can't help it I have more male friends than female, my brother and I were very close, and I am an independent and outspoken woman. Possibly rather intimidating for being so. But after feeling so isolated in the last marriage because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking to my other male friends of long standing, i said not ever again. *they are my friends and I will not be giving them up.* They are practically family, and maybe if you had as dysfunctional a family as i do, you would understand better why i feel this way.


And this is one reason why you are not marriage material. 

You've given vows twice and they've never stuck huh?

ABOVE ALL OTHERS ring a bell?

Secondly you handle your problems with no maturity whatsoever, so with you having a two bombed marriage track record I'd probably say you're too immature to be married despite wanting to be. 

Some people just aren't meant to be married. Not necessarily a bad thing, just is what it is. 

Before you tune it out, listen. Maturity is gauged by how we handle and respond to our problems. 

Its easy to go off the handle, get resentful and hold grudges and step out of the marriage, thats why maturity is so important.

Maturity is trying to fix the marriage at all costs and if unsuccessful, honorably leaving the marriage. 

Many women have ended their marriages like this. It isn't working and they want out, so a respectful and agreed upon separation/divorce takes places. They also don't date anyone until the divorce is settled or both spouses agreed to se other people during the separation. That is mature.

Having problems and instead of doing the above and just saying "I told you so" and going out and having an affair is very immature, and something I'd expect from a high school kid to be honest. 

You once haven't owned up to your affair. You're STILL trying to justify an affair with another man, and you don't even realize what that speaks of your character.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> it's an addiction as much as you say an EA is. You should see how he reacts if you ask him to stop playing to do something else!


Thats not comparable to an EA

To put this roughly

His video gaming is a problem for the marriage

Your affair is a death sentence for the marriage.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Since you talk about his gaming in counseling, do you talk about your affair in counseling?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ I doubt it.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

we just started, after i told him this marriage was not working he said he wanted a divorce. after we had decided to divorce. he said he wanted to do counseling. i said i wasn't sure if i did. or as we were asked is this marriage counseling or divorce counseling. so we talked terms of the divorce. when the day came he was to move out, we talked and decided to see if we can work this out. the counselor knows of the ea. this is where i am.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ I doubt it.


Meh...I asked about 3 hours ago and didn't get an answer. Hence, I asked again.

Video games? That's the argument? How old are you two?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sooo...the counselor knows about the affair but not your husband? And this is a counselor for both of you? If so, is he helping you to be able to confess?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> we just started, after i told him this marriage was not working he said he wanted a divorce. after we had decided to divorce. he said he wanted to do counseling. i said i wasn't sure if i did. or as we were asked is this marriage counseling or divorce counseling. so we talked terms of the divorce. when the day came he was to move out, we talked and decided to see if we can work this out. the counselor knows of the ea. this is where i am.


Probably not the extent of the EA, and if this counselor is still giving MC while you're deep inan affair he/she definitely is a low rate hack. The only reason he hasn't told you to confess is so you can keep paying him/her


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Meh...I asked about 3 hours ago and didn't get an answer. Hence, I asked again.
> 
> Video games? That's the argument? How old are you two?


TELL ME ABOUT IT! I Think it's moronic! Maybe i should just get a freaking divorce.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> it's an addiction as much as you say an EA is. You should see how he reacts if you ask him to stop playing to do something else!


Yep been there, done that. I ended up gaming with him then. Right now, my sister is going through that with her husband. He is on his computer all the time. Second marriage for her, first for him. But she won't cheat on him, no matter how much his gaming bothers her. No matter how much he seems to detach from their lives. Why? Her first husband cheated on her and she knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. She has the decency to try to do all she can to work on her marriage. She has the decency to know that if there is no way they can work it out, then they will split.

As far as male friends and having dysfunctional families... you are grasping at straws, coming up with excuses. Your husband is your family. Your kids are your family. These other men are not. Most of my friends when I was growing up were male. When I got married, I let them go if they made my husband uncomfortable. Why? Because he is the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, I know, pretty bold words for someone who had not one, but two, EAs, right? But I recognize that I f*cked up. I recognized that if I want my marriage to work, things had to change... INCLUDING getting rid of male friends he was uncomfortable with...and I did. I did it because I love my husband. I did it because I want my marriage to work. If I didn't, the alternative was divorce. 

Pick one. Fix your marriage and get rid of the affair partner... or divorce your husband.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Sooo...the counselor knows about the affair but not your husband? And this is a counselor for both of you? If so, is he helping you to be able to confess?


he said i need to make a choice. we are doing couples and individual, because i did ask him, how do i go from feeling this way about that guy and bring the focus back to my husband? when i try though, he withdraws more. what do i confess? i have more feelings for someone I hardly know than I do for my spouse?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

He is playing games, with you, he probably doesn't really want a D, cuz he will give up some of his property, in the settlement----

Every word out of your mouth says you want out---SO WHY HAVE YOU NOT GOTTEN OUT

Stay out of your EA, till you are done with your D.,just go NC on your EA partner, for now---you can always hook-up later on.

stop ruminating about any other stats, mge's, d's,---the only thing on your mind is this mge you are presently in, and what you intend to do with it----nothing else has any bearing whatsoever on this mge, deal with what needs to be dealt with!!!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> he said i need to make a choice. we are doing couples and individual, because i did ask him, how do i go from feeling this way about that guy and bring the focus back to my husband? when i try though, he withdraws more. *what do i confess? i have more feelings for someone I hardly know than I do for my spouse?*


Yes. And that you have been carrying on an emotional affair. It's really that simple.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sorry but your story gets deeper and deeper with more "facts" about things to justify your cheating. Why didn't you say you already agreed to divorce, i dunno, FIVE PAGES AGO!?

I call troll. Forgive me if I'm wrong.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok let the pieces fall. Ok tell your husband and leave him the heck alone. An EA is very very selfish and hurtful to your husband..It is unfair what you are doing to him. I don't care how bad your marraige is. An affair of anykind is not the answer. It makes everything 1000 times worse. No contact with the other man has to be done before even thinking about MC or repairing your marriage. Trust me..I had an EA and during the EA I was in marriage counseling. MC did nothing for us til I confessed and left the home. I luckily came to my senses and stopped contact with the other man and gave our marriage a real try. We are reconcilling but if I could turn back time I never would have had an EA. It had damaged our marriage and hurt my husband tremendously. What you are doing is cake eating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You once haven't owned up to your affair. You're STILL trying to justify an affair with another man, and you don't even realize what that speaks of your character.


OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage. 
If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth. 
I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is. 
He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son. 

There. does that own it?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> i can't tell you that i know what a good marriage would even look like. the ones that look good end up falling to pieces. the ones that have lasted 60 years, to be around them, they snap at each other for the whole world to see. the ones that seem to be a good fit, are funny to hear when the wife goes, "big, dumb Fred...."
> My marriages seem to be where I put in all the effort to keep them happy and **** my needs. I will tell you though I have warned all of them beforehand, " i am not marriage material". so why do i want to be married? I feel that the only reason to be married is if you are raising kids. I don't feel that I am not complete unless I have a mate. I do feel that having a companion you can share your life with is fulfilling though.
> I can't help it I have more male friends than female, my brother and I were very close, and I am an independent and outspoken woman. Possibly rather intimidating for being so. But after feeling so isolated in the last marriage because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking to my other male friends of long standing, i said not ever again. they are my friends and I will not be giving them up. They are practically family, and maybe if you had as dysfunctional a family as i do, you would understand better why i feel this way.


If you are not marriage material and just need a "mate"....get a **** buddy. DO NOT destroy another good man just because you can!!!


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'm sorry but your story gets deeper and deeper with more "facts" about things to justify your cheating. Why didn't you say you already agreed to divorce, i dunno, FIVE PAGES AGO!?
> 
> I call troll. Forgive me if I'm wrong.


sorry i don't know what troll means, but i just meant to ask a question i could not find an answer to.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> our counselor says his games are the same as having another lover.


The difference is his games cannot **** him!!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> it's an addiction as much as you say an EA is. You should see how he reacts if you ask him to stop playing to do something else!


Your EA is not an addiction. It is a choice. Find yourself another IC. They are blowing smoke up your butt.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> it's an addiction as much as you say an EA is. You should see how he reacts if you ask him to stop playing to do something else!


Sort of how you react if he says you need to find female friends....right?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> we just started, after i told him this marriage was not working he said he wanted a divorce. after we had decided to divorce. he said he wanted to do counseling. i said i wasn't sure if i did. or as we were asked is this marriage counseling or divorce counseling. so we talked terms of the divorce. when the day came he was to move out, we talked and decided to see if we can work this out. the counselor knows of the ea. this is where i am.


I think the question is does your husband?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Just tell your husband and leave him so he can have a life. You are saying you want the other man so what's stopping you. You say you don't need your husband. Why are you still with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> he said i need to make a choice. we are doing couples and individual, because i did ask him, how do i go from feeling this way about that guy and bring the focus back to my husband?  when i try though, he withdraws more. what do i confess? i have more feelings for someone I hardly know than I do for my spouse?


That is exactly what you confess. The point of MC is to be honest and open and for both of you to decide if you still want to be married.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage.
> If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth.
> I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is.
> He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.
> ...


No, because I'm not the one who needs to be hearing this, your husband is.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> If you are not marriage material and just need a "mate"....get a **** buddy. DO NOT destroy another good man just because you can!!!


that's what i offered, he said no, we had to be married. my fail then huh?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage.
> If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth.
> I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is.
> He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.
> ...


all of those things and........a piece of **** for trying to fvck another mans wife....yeah dont forget that.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage.
> If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth.
> I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is.
> He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.
> ...


Owning up would also be knowing you're in the wrong to have an affair no matter what. All you do is blame your husband for everything, when the affair itself is 100% at your feet.

Also lets take OM off the glowing white stallion you seated him on and break him down. 

Hes a man who has no qualms about breaking up a marriage.

Hes a man who has no moral contradictions about going after someone whose already married. 

He is a man who doesn't give a fvck that your children's lives will be invariably changed forever if the affair brings about a divorce. Your childrens woes will be far from his mind.

He is a man who doesn't care about forcing your family members and friends to have to choose sides and bridges be burned o get what he wants. 

I know just what kind of man OM is because I've known many men like him. Hes a piece of sh!t.


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

His involvement with video games is not the same as an EA; however, it can be similarly destructive. 

Our marriage counselor explained it this way: imagine you have a married couple, W and H. Draw a line between them -- that's the communication between them. As times goes on, that line gets gunked up with things that just make it harder to get to the other person. Old resentments, unfinished arguments, unresolved issues -- you name it and it gunks up that line.

Now, draw a line from one of those spouses to a third party: the AP. That line is clear and easy! It's an escape from dealing with that other, gunked up line that is so difficult to cross. It's so much easier to just spend time with AP -- they don't have the same judgements as your spouse, they reward you in ways your spouse used to but doesn't any more. It's just easier with AP.

Here's the thing -- that AP can be a person. Or work. Or video games. It's whatever the spouse turns to to get the same reward they used to get from their spouse before the lines got all gunked up.

So do I think that video games are the same as an affair? Heck no! However, I don't think it can be easily dismissed as not destructive to a marriage. Here, for the marriage to work, idkwhat is going to have to go through the difficult process of getting rid of the OM and going through withdrawal so she can put her time and energy into the marriage. Similarly, her husband is going to have to do the same thing with his video games.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> all of those things and........a piece of **** for trying to fvck another mans wife....yeah dont forget that.


he has not overtly tried to do that, he has maintained his boundaries. We work together.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> he has not overtly tried to do that, he has maintained his boundaries. We work together.


And how long do you think this going to last? Especially if you're already at the point where you're prepared to ride off into the sunset with him. As soon as he picks up on that this EA is going physical, no doubt..


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Owning up would also be knowing you're in the wrong to have an affair no matter what. All you do is blame your husband for everything, when the affair itself is 100% at your feet.
> 
> Also lets take OM off the glowing white stallion you seated him on and break him down.
> 
> ...


Sorry everyone, i am the first to say my life is bass ackwards and messed up....my current husband is not my children's father. He acts more like a friend, but he doesn't interact with them so much either, so I am not so sure they would actually miss him that much either since he never actively tried to be involved with their lives other than picking them up from a function


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ So, you want Om to be daddy #3?

At this rate maybe they should call all your husbands bob, since they won't be around long to learn names. 

Does OM know? And does he care?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> he has not overtly tried to do that, he has maintained his boundaries. We work together.


Oh dont be so ridiculous. Of course its his ultimate goal. He's hardly thinking youre gonna be 'just friends' forever. Also, dont be so literal- he's absolutely mind fvcking you- another man's wife. He is taking your time, attention and affection from your husband. He is situating himself to be next in line without the decency of waiting for you to be divorced first.

And I wish I had a dime for every WS that has come here telling us just how "perfect" their AP is. By the way AP= AFFAIR partner. Merely by title he is of immoral character. Of course he's perfect- he doesnt have to put up with you when youre on your period, when you have the flu, when your kids are driving you crazy, when youre running low on money to pay the mortgage. NO he gets rainbows and puppydogs out of you. NOTHING more NOTHING less. Its all fantasy and EVERYTHING is perfect in fantasyland, right?


WAKE UP! SERIOUSLY. Do you think this is our first rodeo on here? Think we havent heard ALL of this before?

Divorce your husband. It would be an excellent Christmas gift.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

How old are you, your husband and your children?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i guess i want the marriage for the sake of my kids. is that reason enough to work on it? is that why i despair because just because it is better for the kids, but not for me?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm your current husband acts like a friend to his kids or to you? Exactly how is he not a father? As far as this other man in your life goes. Compare how long you have known him vs how long your husband has remained by your side. Compare what your husband and you have gone through vs what this other man and you have. You say your family is disfunctional? So is mine so I can relate there. 

A real man has issues.
A real man will go through hell and high water with his spouse.. even when she has her head up her butt with some fake illusion of a perfect life with someone else... aka the ea you have with this other man.
A real man would have arguements with his spouse and despite the bad feelings... he would still remain at her side.

The grass is only green where you water it darling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ So, you want Om to be daddy #3?
> 
> At this rate maybe they should call all your husbands bob, since they won't be around long.


well you've heard me rant already about marriage. I do not believe i will ever get married ever again. ever. ever. i will live in a freaking cardboard box before i ever do that again.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage.
> If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth.
> I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is.
> He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.
> ...


Of course he looks so great... YOU'RE NOT LIVING WITH HIM FROM DAY TO DAY!!! You are seeing the persona he WANTS you to see...and you are LAPPING IT UP!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Of course he looks so great... YOU'RE NOT LIVING WITH HIM FROM DAY TO DAY!!! You are seeing the persona he WANTS you to see...and you are LAPPING IT UP!!


The land of Unicorn and Rainbows is lovely this time of year! Well, most times of the year I hear it's fabulous!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> i guess i want the marriage for the sake of my kids. is that reason enough to work on it? is that why i despair because just because it is better for the kids, but not for me?


You have it all figured out...go and dont look back.
Its what you want.Just leave and be with the OM and live happily ever after.
Its quite clear thats what you want and desire.
Go find your happiness with the OM,dont wait another day.
Go with OM and you will never ever have any problems again.
If I were you I'd do it as soon as you can.
The OM is damn near perfect. So,why wait?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> OK. at one point i was ready to walk out on my whole life if i could just run off with that guy. He is perfect. He is the most sane, healthy thinking and acting man I have met in my whole life. He gave me hope that there is at least one man who knows how to be a real man, and he makes me feel like a real woman which has been terribly lacking in my marriage.
> If that man said come with me, I would follow him to the ends of the earth.
> I can take care of myself, I don't NEED a husband. But I absolutely love this man for who he is, as he is.
> He does not ask me for anything, and I have not shared the details of my marriage with him. We just have a very strong connection as if we have known each other forever. It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.
> ...


Nope. You still just sound very selfish and bitter. If you can support yourself, then do it and divorce your husband. He deserves much more than you have to offer him.

It is not a man's job to be your father or son. A man is made to walk beside you and support you during whatever life throws your way.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

sh*t this is not helping. so at one point you convince me to divorce his, next point you convince me to stay married. believe me I have heard every argument you are saying in my head. I have been crying over this all year. i hear what you are saying though that i need to stop with the ae till i get the marriage worked out. 
plenty of us live in denial for a long time though huh? perhaps he was sent into my life to push me out of denial and into a plan of action. so quit beating up my beautiful manly man......


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> that's what i offered, he said no, we had to be married. my fail then huh?


So because a man said I cannot just screw you and that I love you, you got married. You are not as strong and independent as you are leading us to believe. If your were you would have walked away!!!


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Nope. You still just sound very selfish and bitter. If you can support yourself, then do it and divorce your husband. He deserves much more than you have to offer him.
> 
> .


so you say. perhaps i should have looked more closely at what he brought to the marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Quit beating up your beautiful manly man? Lmao I find that so amusing. You do realize your only getting upset because we are shaking up this fake image you have of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> sh*t this is not helping. so at one point you convince me to divorce his, next point you convince me to stay married. believe me I have heard every argument you are saying in my head. I have been crying over this all year. i hear what you are saying though that i need to *stop with the ae till i get the marriage worked out.*
> plenty of us live in denial for a long time though huh? perhaps he was sent into my life to push me out of denial and into a plan of action. so quit beating up my beautiful manly man......


No, you need to stop with the EA PERIOD if you have even the slightest chance that you are going to stay married to your husband. Stop beating up the OM? Are you kidding me? He has his sights set on a MARRIED WOMAN. Yea, what a FINE UPSTANDING GUY he is. Good GRIEF! 

ETA: Oh, and yea, plenty of us live in denial... plenty more don't f*ck up their lives by cheating on their spouses. However, some of us who have are fortunate enough to get another chance to fix what WE broke when WE had affairs.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> sh*t this is not helping. so at one point you convince me to divorce his, next point you convince me to stay married. believe me I have heard every argument you are saying in my head. I have been crying over this all year. i hear what you are saying though that i need to stop with the ae till i get the marriage worked out.
> plenty of us live in denial for a long time though huh? perhaps he was sent into my life to push me out of denial and into a plan of action. so quit beating up my beautiful manly man......


Thats what my wife CantSitStill thought about her "beautiful man" then the real him came out and she almost got hurt really bad.
So go be with him,you'll never have another problem again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> So because a man said I cannot just screw you and that I love you, you got married. You are not as strong and independent as you are leading us to believe. If your were you would have walked away!!!


 well he was a lot more charming than that, and as i said we are very sexually compatible, which we both thought was important in a marriage


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Quit beating up your beautiful manly man? Lmao I find that so amusing. You do realize your only getting upset because we are shaking up this fake image you have of him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes. thanks.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> well he was a lot more charming than that, and as i said we are very sexually compatible, which we both thought was important in a marriage


No honey....marriage takes two people loving each other. He loves you, but you do not love him. You have labeled him as an inattentive husband. The only reason you stay is because he is the father figure to your kids, not the biological father. And if you were sexually compatible why would you be looking for another man.

STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!!! YOUR BEHAVIOR IS HORRIBLE!!!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> so you say. perhaps i should have looked more closely at what he brought to the marriage.


I am just backing up what you have stated. Sometimes looking in the mirror sucks, but you have to do it sooner or later.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah you won't believe all the crap the OM is hiding from you..They lie and lie and they are good at it..Check his teeth, they might be false..nevermind I know what I said only makes sense to those in here that know me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Is it possible that these days some people have completely unrealistic notions of what marriage is, taken from movies and romantic novels and that they keep searching for "the one" they see in those media and when they think they have found it they get disappointed as soon as real life gets in the way?

Then they move to the next relationship and rinse and repeat. Perhaps marriage isn't something you should jump into if you aren't really in it for real.



> It's as if he is my brother, my father, my lover and my son.


WTF... That sentence made me want to vomit. How do you put father and lover and son in the same sentence like that? You have some serious daddy issues or what?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> sh*t this is not helping. so at one point you convince me to divorce his, next point you convince me to stay married. believe me I have heard every argument you are saying in my head. I have been crying over this all year. i hear what you are saying though that i need to stop with the ae till i get the marriage worked out.
> plenty of us live in denial for a long time though huh? perhaps he was sent into my life to push me out of denial and into a plan of action. *so quit beating up my beautiful manly man*......


I'm thinking this is a troll post. 

If not then with you worrying more about OM than your husband? Go ahead in divorce, but on the way out please send your husband to this site so he can get help.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> No honey....marriage takes two people loving each other. He loves you, but you do not love him. You have labeled him as an inattentive husband. The only reason you stay is because he is the father figure to your kids, not the biological father. And if you were sexually compatible why would you be looking for another man.
> 
> STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!!! YOUR BEHAVIOR IS HORRIBLE!!!


the sex is what kept us together so far....how do you know he loves me? just because he is with me? he's the one who screamed divorce when I finally said "this isn't working for me"


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> the sex is what kept us together so far....how do you know he loves me? just because he is with me? he's the one who screamed divorce when I finally said "this isn't working for me"


Have you ever asked him why he wanted a divorce? Could it be because of how you treat him? Could it be he is just as unhappy as you are but has honesty and integrity?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

To add to what costa said. A marriage is a lifetime... get that? LIFETIME commitment. Its not like dating where you can just walk out when you get the slightest bit bored or unhappy. If your so hellbent on feeling like your etitled to all sorts of unrealistic crap then I agree with kasler and calvin. I do hope you get your head out of your butt and realize your making a very grave mistake. 


Oh css.... lmao love the post.. check his teeth! Lol awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So....what exactly have the TWO of you worked out in MC?

And again - how old are you and your husband and your kids?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Indeed... if he wants a divorce then give him a divorce. Let him find his perfect match if you two really aren't that compatible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

someone please tell me what a freaking troll is. if i am a troll i do not know it. you are talking to a real human being f**ked up woman with an issue she has been batlling with for a year. The EA felt like a blessing compared to my marriage. What the heck do you want from me? I didn't realize everyone here had been betrayed before. Believe me I know betrayal too.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Actually, there are a lot of wayward spouses here, too IDK.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> someone please tell me what a freaking troll is. if i am a troll i do not know it. you are talking to a real human being f**ked up woman with an issue she has been batlling with for a year. The EA felt like a blessing compared to my marriage. What the heck do you want from me? I didn't realize everyone here had been betrayed before. Believe me I know betrayal too.


You don't know betrayal, if you know just how painful it is no way in hell would you be doing it to your husband. 

What we want and what your husband needs is for you to choose. 

Either drop the EA and fix your marriage. 

Divorce your husband do whatever the hell you want with OM

Or break it off with OM and go into counseling to decide if you want the marriage to work or not.(OM has to be gone)

Simple, only person complicating this is you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If you know betrayal then you know what you are doing is wrong. All relationships have their issues OP.... so being in one... especially a marriage will never be easy. It may seem like this EA is a blessing but when you think about it... its not. Its a nightmare in disguise. A troll .. btw ... is someone that starts spouting off nonsense online just to rile people up and get a kick out of watching the aftermath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I didn't realize everyone here had been betrayed before.


I wasn't... Don't put everyones opinions down to their traumas and issues. I think you will not find much sympathy for your case unless you go to a cheater forum. All other people, and even some past cheaters will not give you any slack. 

Of course, in a forum like this you are probably seeing people with much experience on the issue. Hear them out.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> To add to what costa said. A marriage is a lifetime... get that? LIFETIME commitment. Its not like dating where you can just walk out when you get the slightest bit bored or unhappy. If your so hellbent on feeling like your etitled to all sorts of unrealistic crap then I agree with kasler and calvin. I do hope you get your head out of your butt and realize your making a very grave mistake.
> 
> 
> Oh css.... lmao love the post.. check his teeth! Lol awesome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well, my former marriage which produced 3 kids, late in my life, was an alcoholic fiasco. I stayed in for 12 years, went to al anon and learned about myself and boundaries and that is when my growth began. same time i learned to not be a doormat by telling him that i was no ok with his drinking around our kids, and that's when he said he would rather choose alcohol over his family. so i really don't need any lectures about marriages last forever. they don't. i have been a single mom, and did better. I though when i met current husband that he was everything the other was not. so maybe i have control issues. I will be the mother bear when it comes to my kids. but i really appreciate NOT being controlled by someone or being controlling. this one turned out to be like raising another kid. and i told him. I need a man. I do not want a child for a husband. that's when he said he wanted a divorce. I work hard and many hours, I love my job, and I am grateful everyday. it is part of my program to work on my "recovery" forever. 
Anyone who knows anything about that pathology probably can read me and my life like a book. I have never had an affair. I have spent a good deal of my life independent and single, however, and i really am not sure why, I have had many men throw themselves at me asking me to marry them. I am not that attractive. Perhaps I do have daddy issues, but I don't think so, altho he was overbearing and abusive. I did have a tight bond with him when I was younger. i know i have low esteem issues, but have been working on that too. so i would say i am average in my life's issues. 

This EA turned my head around about three times and it has yet to swing back. i never would dream of having an affair. i didn't see it coming, i never thought it would happen to me. i don't see swinging as a decent lifestyle. however, to me it seems that it would not have happened if there had not been something SERIOUSLY missing in the current relationship, which there was, just that i didn't have the guts to call it as it was. not working, another failure on my part. Marriage or not, love will not be denied, if your heart is open.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> someone please tell me what a freaking troll is. if i am a troll i do not know it. you are talking to a real human being f**ked up woman with an issue she has been batlling with for a year. The EA felt like a blessing compared to my marriage. What the heck do you want from me? I didn't realize everyone here had been betrayed before. Believe me I know betrayal too.


Troll is someone who gets off on telling false stories on here,for attention I guess.
You are setting up yourself and many others in your life for a lot of hurt.I dont think youre a troll.
I do think you are in la-la land though.
My WW OM was an actor,he turned on the charm and he was in a LTR.
You dont know the "real" OM,youre projecting an image of the perfect life and OM is one day going to win an Academy Award for his acting.
If you think this will make you happy then do it.
Happiness comes from within,not someone else.
So go chase your happiness,then you'll think there is more out there and you'll chase some more and more.
You have a foundation which to improve your relationship but you want to bring in the wrecking ball and go for new digs.
So happy hunting on your quest for someone else to make you happy. There's always something or someone out there better,right?
Go to what you want,just tell your husband and leave.
Tell the OM you both are going to be together forever and you'll be moving in with him.
Watch his reaction...enjoy your new life.
I'll follow but I wont post anymore.
Youre making a really bad choice here but we all have free will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

As I stated earlier. I had an EA and was in lala land fantasy land and was completely out of my mind. Some day you will see that you really are out of your mind if you really think having this EA is a good thing at all. As I said earlier, even if your husband is a complete a-hole an EA will not fix anything. You will see and you will be sorry and your sorry butt might be too late and you may be out on the street or in the looney bin or whereever you will be it will be a very dark ugly place and you will say to yourself "what in the heck was I thinking?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> well, my former marriage which produced 3 kids, late in my life, was an alcoholic fiasco. I stayed in for 12 years, went to al anon and learned about myself and boundaries and that is when my growth began. same time i learned to not be a doormat by telling him that i was no ok with his drinking around our kids, and that's when he said he would rather choose alcohol over his family. so i really don't need any lectures about marriages last forever. they don't. i have been a single mom, and did better. I though when i met current husband that he was everything the other was not. so maybe i have control issues. I will be the mother bear when it comes to my kids. but i really appreciate NOT being controlled by someone or being controlling. this one turned out to be like raising another kid. and i told him. I need a man. I do not want a child for a husband. that's when he said he wanted a divorce. I work hard and many hours, I love my job, and I am grateful everyday. it is part of my program to work on my "recovery" forever.
> Anyone who knows anything about that pathology probably can read me and my life like a book. I have never had an affair. I have spent a good deal of my life independent and single, however, and i really am not sure why, I have had many men throw themselves at me asking me to marry them. I am not that attractive. Perhaps I do have daddy issues, but I don't think so, altho he was overbearing and abusive. I did have a tight bond with him when I was younger. i know i have low esteem issues, but have been working on that too. so i would say i am average in my life's issues.
> 
> This EA turned my head around about three times and it has yet to swing back. i never would dream of having an affair. i didn't see it coming, i never thought it would happen to me. i don't see swinging as a decent lifestyle. *however, to me it seems that it would not have happened if there had not been something SERIOUSLY missing in the current relationship, which there was, just that i didn't have the guts to call it as it was. not working, another failure on my part. Marriage or not, love will not be denied, if your heart is open*.


All crap and blameshifting. Emotionas are denied as long as one has decency and boundaries

If you think OM is the best thing since sliced bread, then hurry up and file for divorce.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I never said marriages last forever. I said a marriage is a lifetime commitment. Obviously your alcoholic ex husband chose not to work on that commitment and you did what you had to do. If your current husband wants a divorce then so be it. Like I said.. give it to him. I suggest you stop the EA until after the divorce however as this manchild of a husband may use that against you. 

Whatever you have with this OM can very well wait until your actually single... however he doesn't seem like a good catch imo if he is going after a married woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> How old are you, your husband and your children?





SomedayDig said:


> So....what exactly have the TWO of you worked out in MC?
> 
> And again - how old are you and your husband and your kids?


:scratchhead:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh to this.. "love will not be denied if your heart is open" that could be applied to your marriage btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> This EA turned my head around about three times and it has yet to swing back. i never would dream of having an affair. i didn't see it coming, i never thought it would happen to me. i don't see swinging as a decent lifestyle. however, to me it seems that it would not have happened if there had not been something SERIOUSLY missing in the current relationship, which there was, just that i didn't have the guts to call it as it was. not working, another failure on my part.* Marriage or not, love will not be denied, if your heart is open.*


Infatuation grows if you allow it...which is exactly what you are doing. LOVE grows with your SPOUSE if you OPEN YOUR HEART TO THE MAN YOU MARRIED! And I disagree that this wouldn't have happened if there wasn't something seriously missing in your relationship. Quite often, cheating happens because the cheater is selfish. No other reason, just selfishness. And, in latching onto this OM and not even wanting to try to work on your marriage, I see a LOT of selfishness here.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

we are both over 40. my youngest will graduate high school within next 5 years. 
the counselor suggested we try new things both of us, suggested husband try to wine and dine me, which he hasn't; suggested i make a choice


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

try new things...gee go find a new man? like that's gonna make it all better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> try new things...gee go find a new man? like that's gonna make it all better
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


never thought of that....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So, for a 40 something man, what does the counselor say about your husband's video gaming...besides it's like an affair?

I find it odd that he'd use that kind of analogy since you are actively involved in an affair and he knows it. I think that's kind of a horrible counselor you got. I mean, marriage counselors are supposed to help the marriage...not the individual. He knows you're having an affair but does nothing to have you confess to your husband.

Seriously...what in the heck do you want from this "marriage"?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Have you ever asked him why he wanted a divorce? Could it be because of how you treat him? Could it be he is just as unhappy as you are but has honesty and integrity?


no actually he ranted about why would anyone want to be with someone who blah blah blah and i said exactly. so he said, we might as well get a divorce. and i said fine. 

if he has honesty and integrity maybe he should be saying, this isn't working for me either. He would never even argue until the day when we started to discuss divorce terms. Like he had been bottling up everything until then.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ok well seriously since your husband seems to not really care about the marriage, why not go ahead and tell him of this emotional affair you have been having and tell him your dilemma and why. I am being totally serious.. What do you really have to lose by telling him? If anything it might open both of you to talk and make decisions on where to go from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> So, for a 40 something man, what does the counselor say about your husband's video gaming...besides it's like an affair?
> 
> I find it odd that he'd use that kind of analogy since you are actively involved in an affair and he knows it. I think that's kind of a horrible counselor you got. I mean, marriage counselors are supposed to help the marriage...not the individual. He knows you're having an affair but does nothing to have you confess to your husband.
> 
> Seriously...what in the heck do you want from this "marriage"?


we did couples counseling first, trying to determine if it was marriage or divorce counseling, so he didn't know it at the time. but he did say it was like having a mistress in between us, if all his attention is directed to the games, this is not where he is just on the computer, he spends all his free time away with his friends gaming or on the phone talking gaming and on the computer gaming forum. since the beginning of our marriage it's been like this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You think your affair partner is perfect because he's hiding in the fog of the affair. When dealing with him 24/7 and without the thrill of this nautiness, he's just like everyone else-- a human with flaws.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You came here for advice and I am trying to give you the best advice I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> ok well seriously since your husband seems to not really care about the marriage, why not go ahead and tell him of this emotional affair you have been having and tell him your dilemma and why. I am being totally serious.. What do you really have to lose by telling him? If anything it might open both of you to talk and make decisions on where to go from here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


perhaps i should


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hunger?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

calvin said:


> Hunger?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whatever became of her?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> perhaps i should


"perhaps"? More like, "yes, you're right. I should just tell him and let it get sorted out from there". By not being honest with him, you are taking the cowardly way out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Kasler said:


> I'm thinking this is a troll post.
> 
> If not then with you worrying more about OM than your husband? Go ahead in divorce, but on the way out please send your husband to this site so he can get help.


I called troll pages ago.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> we did couples counseling first, trying to determine if it was marriage or divorce counseling, so he didn't know it at the time. but he did say it was like having a mistress in between us, if all his attention is directed to the games, this is not where he is just on the computer, he spends all his free time away with his friends gaming or on the phone talking gaming and on the computer gaming forum. since the beginning of our marriage it's been like this.


Okay. So, again...is it that a couples counselor said this and now an individual counselor knows of your affair? A counselor that your husband has never met with?

I gamed. I still do. The difference is, before I found out about my wife's affair, I gamed to escape the lack of communication that had happened years previous. I had no idea that she had checked out of the marriage.

Guess what? She had a counselor during her affair. She never told the counselor of her affair. Do you know what her counselor said to her? He bought into her whole "my husband is doing all the wrong things" crap. He told her how I should be paying attention to her more and doing more.

Guess what? I always paid attention to her and I always did chores around the house.

The difference? Well, if he had known about the affair, he might have counseled her on how to confess to me.

See...couples counseling is there to help the couples through a time in space. If you weren't truthful during those sessions - then you wasted your money and time.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Okay. So, again...is it that a couples counselor said this and now an individual counselor knows of your affair? A counselor that your husband has never met with?
> 
> I gamed. I still do. The difference is, before I found out about my wife's affair, I gamed to escape the lack of communication that had happened years previous. I had no idea that she had checked out of the marriage.
> 
> ...


Same here, was going to counselling, didn't tell him about the EA and he did the same thing. Said all that crap about my husband not giving me what I need..same story pretty much. Then when he would see Calvin he would talk about how bad of a wife I was.. this counselor was a joke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

the marriage was in trouble before the ea. the counseling came when we said divorce. the couples counseling were only a couple sessions so far. maybe my husband does know, maybe he is having an affair too, maybe that's how far apart we really are. and my reactions to if he is having an affair, then it's no different from what he is doing now. i guess i am really checked out aren't I? I can put myself into something wholeheartedly, but I don't feel it coming from him right now. So even if I did forget about the ea thing and focused upon him totally, he isn't forthcoming either. Right now he has been gone all day playing with his friend in another city. Does that sound like something you would trust? Every weekend?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

talk talk talk, confess it all, see what he says and go from there. maybe he is, maybe not but what you are doing now is not getting you anywhere and it's no way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I called troll pages ago.


well excuse the hell out of me for having such a twisted story.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow. I smell troll too.. This is so effing similar to my WW bullsh!t logic I wonder if you are her gaming post count to snoop my posts in the PS.

If not, than the script is more all that uncanny in its' accuracy. 

:sly:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not that. It's just that you should have said that divorce was on the table when everyone was saying you should divorce him if you aren't willing to work it out. But you didn't. You let people get all riled up.

You know your situation is messed up, but you do nothing about it and don't really care about your husband's feelings.

Your story is nothing out of the ordinary for cheaters. It's pretty much following the script.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> the marriage was in trouble before the ea. the counseling came when we said divorce. the couples counseling were only a couple sessions so far. maybe my husband does know, maybe he is having an affair too, maybe that's how far apart we really are. and my reactions to if he is having an affair, then it's no different from what he is doing now. i guess i am really checked out aren't I? I can put myself into something wholeheartedly, but I don't feel it coming from him right now. So even if I did forget about the ea thing and focused upon him totally, he isn't forthcoming either. *Right now he has been gone all day playing with his friend in another city. Does that sound like something you would trust? Every weekend?*


Based on what you have told us? I'd trust his gaming far easier than your cheating. But that's JMO.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> well excuse the hell out of me for having such a twisted story.


It's not twisted. You are not unique.People like you are very predictable. 

I'd make a fortune on being your psychic medium, but your IC is fleecing you already.

The only unknown variable in the affair script is the Betrayed Spouse or the affair partners spouse reaction upon discovery.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

so i take it then, that everybody's best friend here is their spouse and they tell them everything. and no one fantasizes about having sex with somebody else when they are with their spouse. but i am a predictable cheater. betrayed spouse is not with me, but he should be allowed to do whatever he wants and that's ok. but if i have emotional needs not being met by my betrothed than i am the worst person in the world for even thinking about getting my needs met. I really would prefer not to live in fear, and it seems most people who keep yelling at me for what i am doing are most fearful if "marriage is not kept sacred" . wtf. i am not a victim, but life is too freaking short to not do your best and be free to feel the way I want to feel. thanks everyone for your concern and vitreol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you are married, so you should be focusing on your marriage and working through that OR ending it. And yea, my husband and I COMMUNICATE and talk...even about difficult things.

But you're cheating. Ignoring the issues.

Anyway, not my problem. Good luck with it all.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ummm...IDK....marriage IS supposed to be kept sacred. If your emotional needs are not being met by your betrothed, then you need to tell him instead of checking out and having an EA.

I'd say, listening to you for 12 pages now, the best advice I could give you is to walk away from your "marriage" and be alone for a while. A very long while.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i think I will. and i will be freaking happy too.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay. Awesome. Case closed.

NEXT!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl: I wish I could like that 100 times.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> so i take it then, that everybody's best friend here is their spouse and they tell them everything. and no one fantasizes about having sex with somebody else when they are with their spouse. but i am a predictable cheater. betrayed spouse is not with me, but he should be allowed to do whatever he wants and that's ok. but if i have emotional needs not being met by my betrothed than i am the worst person in the world for even thinking about getting my needs met. I really would prefer not to live in fear, and it seems most people who keep yelling at me for what i am doing are most fearful if "marriage is not kept sacred" . wtf. i am not a victim, but life is too freaking short to not do your best and be free to feel the way I want to feel. thanks everyone for your concern and vitreol


Yes, my husband is my best friend. No, I do not confide my troubles in male friends. I have a few FEMALE friends who advise me when I ask for the advice. I do tell my husband everything. I hide nothing from him... now. When I was cheating, yes, that was hidden (he knew, but had no proof). The only time I EVER fantasized about anyone else was when I was cheating. 

And yes, your behavior, as we have seen in your posts, IS predictable. It is a script cheaters follow. I followed the exact same script when I was cheating. 

Didn't say he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. But no matter what he is doing, cheating is wrong. Bottom line. No, you are not the worst person in the world for wanting your needs to be met. But you should be focusing on getting them met by your husband, not some POSOM who is willing to hook up with a married woman. Your HUSBAND should be the focus of your affections, not the POSOM. 

Wtf does staying FAITHFUL to your spouse have to do with living in fear? Now you are going to say he hits you? GMAFB. If you are living in fear, get out. 

Again, if you want to feel free to f*ck the OM, fine, do it after you DIVORCE. But I really wouldn't be surprised to learn that the POSOM is only interested in having you as a conquest because you are married.

But hey, it's your life. You have already decided that you want to cheat, so what do you care about how we feel about the subject?


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> wtf. i am not a victim, but life is too freaking short to not do your best and be free to feel the way I want to feel. thanks everyone for your concern and vitreol


My wayward wife said the exact same thing to her mom and sister verbatim. I have the email. Her plan is to run off to live with her dope smoking beach bum to live in a trailer. "He's awesome, he knows me were soul mates. He listens to me." Blablabla...

Well duh I tell her, playing 5 hours a night on the PlayStation with a dude stoned out of his gourd, he can do nothing but listen. 
Cheaters always downsize. (The pics of his d!ck on her cell phone testify to that)

It's amazing what a few milligrams of dopamine will do to throw a family, children and stability away. 

Give your hubby the opportunity to trade up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> so i take it then, that everybody's best friend here is their spouse
> 
> *Yes.*
> 
> ...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you don't want to be married and want to date someone else, them divorce your spouse and go do so. In that order. Don't cheat. Unless you have no morals and want to be a slimeball. Cheating is never okay.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> well thanks everybody for your comments. I guess what you're saying is it's better to dump him and run off with the ea than to just have an affair. so you think a threesome would be out of the question then? jk.
> no seriously, we are in counseling, so i will work to resolve the issue one way or the other, i just feel at this point in my life that Life is Short and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't.
> 
> having a sounding board seems to help me really "see" what i am really doing. thanks again



You are already having an affair. You just aren't having sex yet, but you are very definitely in a extra marital relationship that is very much inappropriate. You already are justifying it, blaming him, and you are very much cheating on your marriage.

You're choosing to do this, to be this person. It isn't your husband forcing you to have this affair. It's entirely you choosing to be that person who blames your husband for your affair. I'm frankly shocked at how you've even blamed HIM for his cheating first wife. 

The poor man really can pick them can't he?

Please choose to be a better person than you have been recently. Please ditch the OM and choose to be a faithful wife again.

One cheating wife is bad enough, but your poor husband will be broken when he discovers his second wife is also cheating on him.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

idkwhat said:


> neither I nor my ea has done "anything" out of line. We are not sneaking around, texting and calling. When we work together we get along tremendously and there is definitely a spark. We have a trust in each other, and we Respect each other, and I am afraid to say I had lost both with my husband. My marriage was in trouble way before this guy walked in. i believe in doing the right thing, but people I have emotions and needs too.


What you have are self-entitlement issues.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It is at times like this I miss Beowulf... He had a method to reach the WS. We guys are way too hostile and she got defensive...


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

IDK -- first, that you're here on these boards and posting and clearly listening and responding is great. I think there are a lot of us who would have wished our spouses had taken the time and energy you have to try and figure things out. So I want to make sure I commend you for that. It's no small thing to realize when there's a problem and then try to figure out how to fix it.

Second, you sound very unhappy and I believe that everyone has the right to try to be happy. Is your husband meeting your emotional needs? No. Is that okay? No. He shouldn't get a free pass and I'm not giving him one. He has a lot of work to do to get this marriage back on track and if he's unwilling to do that work then you should move on. Marriage is a commitment from both sides -- both have to put energy into making it work.

You deserve a husband who cherishes you in the same way you cherish your husband. And right now, I think that's an issue. Because it sounds like right now you don't cherish your husband. You seem to blame him for where you are rather than accepting the fact that you've chosen to have an affair. It doesn't sound like having an affair was your intent, but nevertheless that's where you are now. 

I want to make sure I'm clear: from what you've told us, I don't condone your husband's behaviour but that doesn't make your behaviour acceptable. It's the old adage that two wrongs don't make a right. 

At this point it sounds as though you are both working against the marriage and that's going to make it extraordinarily difficult to make it work. The first thing our marriage counselor told us is that we both had to make a commitment to the marriage and to ourselves. That's a step both you and your husband need to take.

One reason you're getting some of the responses on this board (including from me) is because there are a lot of us who didn't realize our spouses were cheating. We weren't given the chance to work on things and in a lot of cases if our spouses had come to us earlier and said, "I have this issue in our marriage, I'm finding myself in or close to an affair" we would have at least tried. That is why so many of us are giving the advice that you tell your husband about the EA and give yourselves the chance to make it right. 

My marriage wasn't perfect and we had issues and honestly, I have a much better marriage now than I did a year ago because my husband's EA was a wake up call to both of us and caused us to get serious about addressing issues we'd really put off. I'm lucky because my husband sucked it up, came clean, and then put in the work to make it right. My husband is lucky not only because I was reasonable and patient and gave him another chance but also because I put in the work to make it right as well as well. Both of us had to make that commitment and both of us had to change.

Where you are isn't fair to you and it's not fair to your husband. Has he hurt you? Yes. Does that give you free license to hurt him? No. I'm not saying you need to be a saint and suck it up and live in a loveless marriage, but I'm saying that you need to suck it up, realize your actions are wrong, and do something about it. The something I would recommend would be this: 

1. Go no contact with your affair partner. So long is he is there giving you emotional support you're not going to get it from your husband. Will that be easy? No. But you owe yourself and your husband the chance for your husband to step up to the plate. Best case scenario is you fix your marriage, worst case scenario is you endure a few months of needing to seek emotional support from family or from those on this board.
2. Talk with your husband. Lay it all out: where you are, what you need, what you've done. Don't blame him. Being unhappy in a marriage doesn't give you license to have an affair. 
3. Get counseling -- both mariage and individual. 

You may think you've given your husband all the chances he deserves to step up. If that's the case and if you're sure you've done all you can to save the marriage, then begin divorce proceedings. If you're not ready to leave him, then get serious about trying to actually stay in the marriage. Stop waffling -- I say this with all sincerity. Where you are isn't fair to either of you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

no actually he ranted about why would anyone want to be with someone who blah blah blah 

*Please elaborate on the blah blah blah. It helps if we know what his problem with the marriage is. blah blah blah sounds like you blowing off his concerns.*

and i said exactly. so he said, we might as well get a divorce. and i said fine. 

*It sounds like an arguement, not a conversation. All you did was prove that you are not a willing participant in the marriage. You set him up for the divorce statement, instead of saying you were the one who wants out. Nice job making him be the bad guy.*

if he has honesty and integrity maybe he should be saying, this isn't working for me either. 

*He did during an arguement (which is very common) and you blew him off. See my above comment.*

He would never even argue until the day when we started to discuss divorce terms. Like he had been bottling up everything until then. 

*Most men do not rock the boat. They lay low try to avoid pissing off their wives. Your new guy will do this too. If you want a guy that argues, then pick better next time. But I am sure we will see you *****ing about that too, when it gets old.*


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> we did couples counseling first, trying to determine if it was marriage or divorce counseling, so he didn't know it at the time. but he did say it was like having a mistress in between us, if all his attention is directed to the games, this is not where he is just on the computer, he spends all his free time away with his friends gaming or on the phone talking gaming and on the computer gaming forum. since the beginning of our marriage it's been like this.


Quick questions: Was he this into gaming when you met him?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> the marriage was in trouble before the ea. the counseling came when we said divorce. the couples counseling were only a couple sessions so far. maybe my husband does know, maybe he is having an affair too, maybe that's how far apart we really are. and my reactions to if he is having an affair, then it's no different from what he is doing now. i guess i am really checked out aren't I? I can put myself into something wholeheartedly, but I don't feel it coming from him right now. So even if I did forget about the ea thing and focused upon him totally, he isn't forthcoming either. Right now he has been gone all day playing with his friend in another city. Does that sound like something you would trust? Every weekend?


Quit trying to shift the focus back on him. Just because you are cheating does not mean that he is. And it is normal for guys to handout with their friends all the time. Have you ever tried the "Honey, I would love to hangout with you this weekend. Date, dinner and compatible sex." Men need to know you want them too.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And then you move on to the next guy... a problem surfaces...what happens? Work it out or have another affair? You answered your own question... the fact is, you don't even WANT to be married to this man. We are not saying it's better to dump your husband and run off with the OM. We are saying to stop cake eating. Pick one or the other and don't keep your husband as your backup plan. He should be your ONLY plan. *And if the OM was such a great guy, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with a MARRIED woman.*


Quoted For Truth.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> *Life is Short* and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't


 Ash Madi$$on fixed it, shortened it, made of it their slogan.
Did you really ask if you look like the average cheater?
Predictably - as any wayward - your circunstances are extreme your are special, unique. You clearly deserve it.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

WWife said:


> IDK -- Where you are isn't fair to either of you.


 Thanks WWife, I appreciate your words of wisdom without getting bashed over the head about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what are you going to do?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i am going to take all the emotional energy away from my ea and focus on my husband, As I understand my ea is a drug to me, I will have no contact with him to get over him. I will give my husband the benefit of the doubt that he really wants the marriage to work and I will work with him, with counseling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That means you have to end contact with your EA guy completely and forever. May even mean finding a new job.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Good luck to you, can't believe you've been going this long like this. It's time to get your head straight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

on second thought I think i will just tell my spouse...i am in love with someone else. we're done.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Enjoy your new life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And how will you feel when your H finds someone else?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you,


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

as i said from the beginning, i do not believe whatever i decide to do will end up going on with the ea. the ea is not asking me for anything, it's how I feel. besides, that does seem rather tacky, ok i'm divorced now, it's your turn.....if i divorce i will take a good long time of getting some breathing space from everybody, coz this is not a casual breakup, it would be a life adjusting move for everyone involved.

on another note, i did talk to my spouse about my ea last night. He now understands that we are in crisis mode. i told him i don't know what it is going to take for me to get back my feelings for him, and i don't.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> as i said from the beginning, i do not believe whatever i decide to do will end up going on with the ea. the ea is not asking me for anything, it's how I feel. besides, that does seem rather tacky, ok i'm divorced now, it's your turn.....if i divorce i will take a good long time of getting some breathing space from everybody, coz this is not a casual breakup, it would be a life adjusting move for everyone involved.
> 
> on another note, i did talk to my spouse about my ea last night. He now understands that we are in crisis mode. i told him i don't know what it is going to take for me to get back my feelings for him, and i don't.


Its good you told your spouse.
My WW told me the same,I kicked her out.She saw that her "soul mate" was projecting a very false image of himself,she thought there was someone better out there than me.
When she was on her way to the mental hospital I brought her back home,she knows she was in fantasy land now and it grateful I took her back and she is doing all the right things to repair our marriage.I also had changes to make and I did and stuck with them.
Maybe in your case its best to not hurt your H anymore and move on,save everybody a lot of pain.
You said you dont love your H but you do "love" the OM.
I dont think you know what youre asking for but it seems best if you do the D and let your H rebuild his life.
You said you dont love him anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> on second thought I think i will just tell my spouse...i am in love with someone else. we're done.


Good for you IDK. Your doing the right thing. I feel bad that the majority here is beating you up. Your husband distanced himself from you when he got so wrapped up in his video games. What does he play WOW, Guild Wars, Everquest??

I think you should just break up and divorce your husband and take a break from the dating game and just reflect on your life and take care of your kids. It takes two to fvck up a marriage and your husband is majority shareholder to blame in this situation. 

But I will say that having a EA is 100% wrong. You should of just given your husband the divorce paper in his face while he was jerking off to his video games. 

Video games is a big problems in marriages. Trust me I know, I play video games, but I play in moderation and never ignore my wife or my family. I spend more time with them then any video games.

You guys really need to cut this girl some slack and look at it from her point of view. Yes we all know cheating is 100% wrong no matter the circumstance, but the bottom line for her is to leave her husband because he is no good either. He is a scumbag for ignoring his wife and what else did he expect? Of course she would confide in another man, because she can't in her husband because he won't let her.

You need to leave IDK, just have him served and when he comes home one day all your things are gone. Based on this thread you have tried numerous times to explain to him how you feel and he seems ignorant to it. 

You are the victim in this, not your husband. One thing I don't agree with you though is male friends are never a good combination in a marriage. 

Good Luck to you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Samus, there was a woman not too long ago who talked about her husband pretty badly to family and friends during her affair. She never told them she was having an affair, but she did tell them how her husband never did anything around the house and ignored her needs...the whole 9 yards.

Anyway, when the truth came out in the end about her affair, the woman admitted to basically creating those stories about how horrible her husband was all that time.

I know. Because I am the husband in that case. Regret has apologized to her family and friends about how she used that as a way to deflect what was really going on. She re-wrote the marriage history and even the reality. I was a very loving husband. Did I do housework all the time? No. That might be because of my job as a pilot being away from home.

I'm not saying that is the case in IDK's situation. However, I would be very careful taking a cheater's opinion of their spouse with a grain of salt. Especially, when they're still in the affair.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife did a lot of blame shufting,re-writing pretty much put it all on me,told me she had no faults,la la land once again.Seven months out she she's how she contributed to the demise of the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

dude, i can see from your side and experience that is what you got. from my side i am on a website talking to people i do not even know trying to find some answers to my situation, revealing things I would really not rather even share with my dead mother. why would i need to lie about any of this? i am more than willing to own what i have done. i can't keep living like this because it is driving me crazy and distracted. i am glad to know though that i am a typical case, kind of makes me feel less traumatized. cause if it is a pattern done by others then there is a certain "pathology" that may be pinpointed and then excoriated from my very being. and perhaps then i will be free


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## Goodwife6 (Oct 24, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> dude, i can see from your side and experience that is what you got. from my side i am on a website talking to people i do not even know trying to find some answers to my situation, revealing things I would really not rather even share with my dead mother. why would i need to lie about any of this? i am more than willing to own what i have done. i can't keep living like this because it is driving me crazy and distracted. i am glad to know though that i am a typical case, kind of makes me feel less traumatized. cause if it is a pattern done by others then there is a certain "pathology" that may be pinpointed and then excoriated from my very being. and perhaps then i will be free


Is the guy you want to have an affair with married?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Goodwife6 said:


> Is the guy you want to have an affair with married?


no


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## Goodwife6 (Oct 24, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> no


Is he good-looking?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Goodwife6 said:


> Is he good-looking?


Very


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## Goodwife6 (Oct 24, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> Very


Well...then lets face it: you're already having the emotional affair and having fantasies of him kissing you. OK. I get it. I really do. 

Here is what's going to happen: It'll be fun! Exciting. Each time you see him you're heart will drop. But he's not a drug. He's a person and he will do things that will make you angry. So you'll have the affair and feel bad about that. But then you'll fight with your "boyfriend" just like you fight with your husband. You'll become jealous and suspicious that your boyfriend is cheating on you and you'll feel shame and confusion over that as well. So what seems like a lifeline now will turn into a black hole. But you'll stay in the black because the affair is going to be soooooooooo addicting. I'd like to give you "good advice" to not engage in the affair but that won't help you much. 

Boyfriends aren't antidepressants their just guys with their own crap.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

i am not communicating with the ea. Goodwife6, i know it's a long miserable thread, but a few pages back i admitted that i realize the ea if more like a drug than anything else.

so i see it like this, i get a divorce, i go into a deep depression, and just end up hating every f*cking man in the world. then i will be labeled a bull dike because i will be a man hater. maybe i will go lesbian then. idkwhat.......


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do you have to hate men?
I don't understand your logic.

:scratchhead:

If you get a divorce, that would be your call. Why would you be depressed? You're already fantasizing about other men...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

idkwhat said:


> rom my side i am on a website talking to people i do not even know trying to find some answers to my situation, revealing things I would really not rather even share with my dead mother. why would i need to lie about any of this?


I don't think anyone's accusing you of *lying*, but rather - as with most cheating spouses - perceiving the truth from a skewed perspective. It's a mental mechanism to cope with knowing you're doing something you shouldn't, coupled with the infatuation of this bright, shiny new relationship that doesn't suffer from seeing the everyday warts and all. It's what we call "The Fog." In your mind, your husband can do no right, while the OM can do no wrong. Something as simple as your husband, say, tossing his socks on the floor is seen as a major issue...a sign of disrespect, proof that he doesn't help around the house, and just plain doesn't care about you. Meanwhile, since you only get the OM in relatively brief bursts, you don't see that, for instance, maybe he doesn't even own a clothes hamper...his dirty clothes and dirty dishes are everywhere around his place. You only see what the OM wants you to see, while you see your husband's socks hit the floor every night. Your mind, trying to reconcile the rush you get from the EA with the knowledge that it's wrong, rewrites your perceptions and even recollections of your marriage.

And that's why it's so predictible...because it's how the mind works, trying to shelter yourself from a decision that would/should normally eat your conscience alive.

So, that's why I say we don't necessarily think you're lying...but if/when that fog burns off, you'll probably see things differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

Grayson said:


> I don't think anyone's accusing you of *lying*but if/when that fog burns off, you'll probably see things differently.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


idk. it seems while being in the fog i began to not even care where the spouse put his dirty socks. maybe the mind was protecting me from my reality. i am pretty sure though I started distancing myself from the relationship BEFORE i even met the ea.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

idkwhat said:


> on another note, i did talk to my spouse about my ea last night. He now understands that we are in crisis mode. i told him i don't know what it is going to take for me to get back my feelings for him, and i don't.


Great step. The bull by the horns.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Why do you have to hate men?
> I don't understand your logic.
> 
> :scratchhead:
> ...


perhaps becoz i love men too much. 
ok nvermnd, next thing you all will be telling me is i'm a sex addict or something.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow...ya know, people are trying to help here and you seem to shrug off almost every attempt. You claim you want help and there are good people here trying. It's almost like you're having your cake and eating it too right here at TAM!


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Grayson said:


> I don't think anyone's accusing you of *lying*, but rather - as with most cheating spouses - perceiving the truth from a skewed perspective. It's a mental mechanism to cope with knowing you're doing something you shouldn't, coupled with the infatuation of this bright, shiny new relationship that doesn't suffer from seeing the everyday warts and all. It's what we call "The Fog." In your mind, your husband can do no right, while the OM can do no wrong. Something as simple as your husband, say, tossing his socks on the floor is seen as a major issue...a sign of disrespect, proof that he doesn't help around the house, and just plain doesn't care about you. Meanwhile, since you only get the OM in relatively brief bursts, you don't see that, for instance, maybe he doesn't even own a clothes hamper...his dirty clothes and dirty dishes are everywhere around his place. You only see what the OM wants you to see, while you see your husband's socks hit the floor every night. Your mind, trying to reconcile the rush you get from the EA with the knowledge that it's wrong, rewrites your perceptions and even recollections of your marriage.
> 
> And that's why it's so predictible...because it's how the mind works, trying to shelter yourself from a decision that would/should normally eat your conscience alive.
> 
> ...





idkwhat said:


> idk. it seems while being in the fog i began to not even care where the spouse put his dirty socks. maybe the mind was protecting me from my reality. i am pretty sure though I started distancing myself from the relationship BEFORE i even met the ea.


Well in my situation my wife pulled the "I was unhappy for two years" before her emotional affair. 

She was unhappy, alone and neglected. That could have been worked on and addressed I own that.

Along comes Mr. Perfect, suddenly it's "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". 

And suddenly it was "I was unhappy for five years" months go by in the emotional affair It became "I was unhappy for the last 10 years" (her exact words) so the deeper the emotional affair got the more marital re-writing she did and more blame shifting and spinning that I'm terrible and ruining her life. Controlling her and accusations of everything under the sun. 

This is all for a dude she has not even met in person. But wait, there's more. He's so awesome. He's perfect. He listens to me. He's geniune, colourful and confident. He's my soul mate!

He's also pursuing a married woman. 

A family, a house, a child, stability, friends, in-laws, reputation, careers, education all destroyed for a guy she's *never physically seen*.

And she has the fvcking nerve to call *me *crazy..


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

^^ EXACTLY Planbnomore!


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Wow...ya know, people are trying to help here and you seem to shrug off almost every attempt. You claim you want help and there are good people here trying. It's almost like you're having your cake and eating it too right here at TAM!


someday......maybe.......it's..........withdrawal.........symptoms...............


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

planbnomore said:


> it's "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".


let's talk about that quote. would you marry them if they told you that before you got married? 

something where they say "being in love" is so overused and not real love. so i am choosing to love you, but i'm not in love with you.....would you buy that?


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

oh my God. that is right where this all started........I wanted someone to be in love me and my spouse never was.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

SomedayDig - I understand, and then perhaps you might be entierly biased in this situation?

Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. This person came on here seeking help, unfortunately due to certain factors in her relationship she seeked love and emotion somewhere else and now we should help her in this situation as well. 

If its true and her husband was ignoring her then more power to her and the EA is just makes it an easy exit for her and too bad for her husband. If it is in fact a lie (which we will never know either way from both parties) then we still only have what one spouse is mentioning here on this thread. Neglect is a big problem is alot of marriages and some spouses seek to fill that gap somewhere else, but they should first divorce there neglectful spouse. 

This woman sounds like she is being honest, because Video games is a big factor in neglectful spouses. For her to come on here and open up her private life for discussion on a board shows me that she is really concerned for her marriage but instead we all give her a hard time about don't cheat. 

She is having an emotional affair (EA) because unfortunately she is feeling neglected. Preferably she should divorce first, but that hasn't happened and she hasn't cheated based on the evidence that have been given to us. Let us help her with what she is telling us then rather assume that she just met someone and wants to runaway from her perfect husband. 

I know cheaters lie about there spouses so they can justify there actions to the OM/OW. But in this case we only know what the person in an EA is telling us. 

Reality is why would someone come on TAM and the CWI forum and post that they are having and EA and lie to us on why there having the EA? What benefits are they going to get out of all of us strangers? We are not her family or her husband or close friends that she should sugarcoat anything..


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

IDK - What exactly do you want to do? Any ideas? Perhaps you can discuss with your husband again the situation and your feelings. 

If you don't think your husband cares, then leave. If he cares, then quit your job and discontinue contact with the OM and try to salvage your marriage.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So when I was playing WoW and Battlefield2 while Regret and I were having communication issues, that means that you're giving her the all clear to have her affair for 5 years?


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

No I am not given your wife all clear to have an affair on you. I don't support an affair period my friend. Your wife is wrong for doing that and she should of divorced you instead. I am not saying that to IDK. I am telling her that if her husband is not going to communicate with her even though she is voicing her concern then kick him to the curb, the same your wife should of done with you instead of cheating. 

Communication issues and neglect goes hand in hand and if you and regret were having those problems and you R then great for you. 

Look, I play videos games, I played WOW for 7 years, I recognized quickly how Video Games can take up your time. I have been neglectful, snippy, rude and down right abandoned my family. 

My wife didn't mind and didn't ever want to cheat, but she would talk to me about it and I would make changes and have. 

I support a healthy marriage and if she is stating her husband is being neglectful and doesn't want to communicate then your situation and hers may be different. I have not read your situation and I will take sometime to read about it. 

The bottomline is some people are lost in the Video Game Fog for too long that they lose there spouses love because of it and this might be the case. Some spouses are strong enough to forgive and move forward with R like you and your wife, but some spouses are not and when you throw in a EA in the mix like IDK's situation there is a possibility she might take the easy road out, when you and your wife didn't.

So you think it is fair for you to ignore your wife and call it a lack of communication as the excuse for your addictive and neglectful behavior and expect her to throw herself at you and be the loving wife she always has been?

Again, no where in my posts do I support cheating, there is no justifiable reason to cheat be it emotional or physical. But there are numerous reason to divorce and this is one of them, especially when one spouse shows a lack of commitment to the marriage by being neglectful.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

idkwhat said:


> perhaps becoz i love men too much.
> ok nvermnd, next thing you all will be telling me is i'm a sex addict or something.


Y'know what? It's entirely possible. As my wife has learned, so-called "sex addiction" doesn't require sexual acts. (In fact, some sources refer to it as "sex and love addiction.") It's about chasing the "high" that comes with a new relationship...the euphoria of "falling in love"...basically, embracing the very fog that allows you to rewrite the nature of your existing relationship to justify the secret one.

Or, you may not be. Don't discount it out of hand, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Samus said:


> I support a healthy marriage and if she is stating her husband is being neglectful and doesn't want to communicate then your situation and hers may be different.* I have not read your situation and I will take sometime to read about it.
> *
> 
> *A good idea. That way you would know the full story of when the communication issues began...and I didn't play WoW til about 2 years into her affair.*
> ...


It would definitely be a good idea to read our story as I never ignored Regret. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't play the game until she went to bed. As well...I never neglected her.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> So when I was playing WoW and Battlefield2 while Regret and I were having communication issues, that means that you're giving her the all clear to have her affair for 5 years?


Just to clarify and I am not picking on you Dig, I like you and you are a friend of mine
and Calvin but what you posted did sound a bit confusing, so I could see someone who doesn't know you misunderstand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm just trying to help so that no one gets into an arguement here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Just to clarify and I am not picking on you Dig, I like you and you are a friend of mine
> and Calvin but what you posted did sound a bit confusing, so I could see someone who doesn't know you misunderstand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Point taken CSS and re-reading I can see where it is confusing. Dumb internet - ya can't make word inflection and whatnot!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I must say tho, Calvin had faults. I will not go into them but once I really thought about it..I finally realised he was the way he was because of the way I treated him..see he never played games but if say a husband is ignoring his wife and playing games it might be because of something you have been doing..you need to dig deep inside yourself..look at your faults instead of pointing fingers at your spouse or it will never get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

IDK, r u ok? You have gone quiet.....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In my book, an EA can be even more detrimental, as it's greatly nothing more than a rather large vehicle in which for the PA to eventually foster itself!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

An affair of any kind is never ok. Emotional or not. Cheating is cheating.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

ladybird said:


> An affair of any kind is never ok. Emotional or not. Cheating is cheating.


Yes it is and it tears the betrayed to pieces,its torture every waking second and it feels like it takes forever just to be able to function half-assed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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