# What helped you or made you feel you had "moved on"?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Happyman64 made me think about this with his kitchen/house remodel.

The first major 'delineation' between married life and the newly single me was sex with someone else. The last person I had had a sexual encounter with was no longer my ex husband. I felt I had moved on.

But when I finally felt I was fully in my 'new life' was when there was no more furniture or decorating of any sort that reminded me of our old home life.

I still have things from the house but they were antiques handed down from my family - my bed is my great-great-grandma's double brass bed that had been in our guest room; my dining room table and chairs are my great aunt's... a chair in my living room has been recovered... but when I look around I don't see any reminders of my old life.

What helped you feel like you had finally moved on?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Definitely when I felt a spark with someone else. Someone so very different from my ex. 

There were other things too though: the first time I told someone I was divorced w/o feeling sad about it--just very matter of fact, the first time I hung out with another male w/o feeling like I was cheating on my exH, buying new linens that my ex would never use, etc.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

-decorating my new place without needing to ask permission for every picture i hung,every color i painted, every sheet set i bought,etc

-being able to sit in my living room silently reading without feeling sad or lonely

-the first time I fostered a dog and was allowed to let the poor thing sleep on her blanket on my bed.My ex would have never allowed me to foster or allow a "filthy animal" to sleep on the bed. 

-the first conversation I had with my ex that didn't involve blame,bitterness,or anything personal.It was light,genuine,and enjoyable.


the list goes on for me


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Great question but I find it seemingly hard to answer. I agree that sex with someone other than my ex and not worrying about how my decision impacted someone else. For me I have conquered a bunch of little ones. My ex took care of the house so I needed to start making the bed and wash my clothes and things of that nature which were not second nature for me. Sometimes I take pride in myself for how far I've gone in those types of house chores.

I think I might just be in the "moving on" more in the present tense than in the past "moved on", like it has already happened.

I do enjoy being the ruler of my house and can change up whatever I think is neccasary. But sometimes when I'm hanging out in my castle I notice there isn't anyone else around and that makes me sad that my kids aren't there.

That is why I'm moving on instead of already completed the journey.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I forgot one thing.

I know my bank account has moved on becasue I no longer have $600 monthly charges to Target or the container store or some other place.

My ex would ring up those charges and when asked when I paid the bills she would say they were household items and things for the kids. All the clothes for her were on clearance and at 50% or more off. I used to say that if she wouldn't buy it we would save 100%. That would always go over like a fart in a space suit.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think it was everytime I mentioned anything about the pain of divorce or issues afterwards, how sick I got at hearing how I need to "move on".
OH, that and "it is,, what it is..." BARF!!!!

I guess that means by pure obstinance towards the insinuation..


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I have done all of those things but don't feel like I have moved on yet. Just starting my 5th month since the D was final, so maybe once the new year gets here. Just waiting to get through another of what should have been our anniversary, that happens in a few weeks. And I just set the boundaries back in place, no more letting the exH come over to help with household chores and the dogs. Hoping that will help


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Believe it or not, it was what I am do now using my gifts to help others work through their relationsip woes. The happiest times I had before marriage were when I met a young lady and got to talking with her for a few minutes and then helped her see life isn't as bad as she thought it was. 
_"I mean sure it sucks realizing you're daddy's princess only, but look at all the good things you've done a princess wouldn't submit herself to. I you were a spoiled princess then that was the old you, the new you is someone who I actually enjoy talking to"_
Flash forward about an hour and she's naked performing sexual acts she said she has never done before:smthumbup:. But that was in the past, or once every couple of months when I feel like getting out of the house and talking to people. I'm an Aspie so even socializing at family get togethers is rare. 

Now I use those talents and my love of psychology to find out what it is people complain about most in marriage and divorce so I can help them see through the bullsh!t. I mean the biggest complaint I hear is the one people have been lead to believe by their unfaithful and unhappy spouses. 
_"Sure you had a few fights you aren't proud of, but didn't you just say you spent the next few days feeling like sh!t and doing everything to keep from doing that again? Your spouse didn't leave you because you made them chronically unhappy. They left because they were unhappy and couldn't see why you kept loving them when they treated you like ****...... it all has to do with insecurity and blaming everyone else for our problems."_
And that is what I do with my time that makes me happy and helps me move on. Whenever I start to miss my ex wife I run into someone else with even bigger problems who needs help but will never seek treatment. The only difference between the way I was as 21 and the way I am at 24 is I help others without asking for anything in return. And I won't sleep with any woman whose emotionally vulnerable or still dealing with her divorc or breakup.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

When I woke up excited about life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When I stopped sleeping on "my side" of the bed.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

stillhoping said:


> I have done all of those things but don't feel like I have moved on yet. Just starting my 5th month since the D was final, so maybe once the new year gets here. Just waiting to get through another of what should have been our anniversary, that happens in a few weeks. And I just set the boundaries back in place, no more letting the exH come over to help with household chores and the dogs. Hoping that will help


This month it will be 9 years since I left.  I forgot our anniversary last year or year before... it took years of being self sufficient and setting boundaries, dating, changing up the house (tho I moved out and rented a house so that was easier), etc... it's only been a short time for you but it will happen. It's a process, not an event.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Enjoli--what boundaries did you set? I am always curious about that stuff


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

That sweet feeling of indifference when I think about her


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

> That sweet feeling of indifference when I think about her


I love that line. Complexity, thanks for putting it in perspective. 

I beleive I enjoy the same feeling.


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## susan1m (Oct 4, 2012)

Lying in bed reading and hearing a noise from downstairs that erroneously registers in my brain as the oppressive sound of his footsteps. Then feeling the automatic twisting in my gut and the subtle rise in my anxiety that always came upon hearing that sound. Then the sweet relief that he is not here anymore. i am in charge of my life. I have done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of.

I also love waking up on a Saturday morning with the whole day stretched out in front of me and no major obligations to anyone - except my child when he is with me on the weekends.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

susan1m said:


> Lying in bed reading and hearing a noise from downstairs that erroneously registers in my brain as the oppressive sound of his footsteps. Then feeling the automatic twisting in my gut and the subtle rise in my anxiety that always came upon hearing that sound. Then the sweet relief that he is not here anymore. i am in charge of my life. I have done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of.
> 
> I also love waking up on a Saturday morning with the whole day stretched out in front of me and no major obligations to anyone - except my child when he is with me on the weekends.


wow.i could have written this.seriously.

his constant noise and footsteps downstairs would make me have a panic attack...what didn't I do? did i unload the dishwasher? did I make sure everything was picked up down there? did I make sure to do this and that and that????

And yes..waking up on a saturday morning knowing the only real obligation i have is letting the doggies out to potty lol it's heavenly


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess a few things made me realize I had moved on, but it's only recently that I've felt this.

I don't feel guilty about leaving dirty dishes in the sink for two days.....who cares..:smthumbup:

I no longer feel responsible for my ex's anger, his anger in general. I used to run to his side and try to make him feel better. I sit back, let him do what he needs to do, no longer care to run interference. this was big for me.

Having feelings for another person.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Enjoli--what boundaries did you set? I am always curious about that stuff


He NEVER comes in my house. He would ring the doorbell and go back to his car for our daughter to go for visitation. I did let her show him her newly painted and carpeted room and I wish I hadn't. After court round #2 we meet at the police department.

I NEVER asked for favors. He does not help, I do not ask. I only ask if I have to switch weekends due to something major but I don't ask him to pick her up or handle ANYTHING. He is not my spouse OR my friend.

I NEVER engage. We are now ordered for email to be the primary means of communication. But he would call and to ask about something then get off on something argumentative, digging up every old argument, etc. I refused. I would say "You called to ask about X and now that we've discussed that, unless you have any other questions that pertain to X, I'm going to hang up." Same thing w/ email - I'll email about something and I'll get a 2-page rant in return. I'll ignore everything but what I need to reply to and he'll get 3 lines of reply in return.

I NEVER ask about him and put our daughter in the middle. I do not ask about his personal life, his job, his habits - nothing. I may ask if they did something that weekend but that is interest in HER, not him. I'll ask if they went to the water park like they often do or if they went out to eat but I don't ask if he has a girlfriend or any such thing. 

Those are the big ones. Sort of by mutual hate (LOL) we don't sit with each other at any school or athletic function but we'll both go up to her after a play for instance, and congratulate her and hug her but we don't talk to each other - just smile, nod and ignore the go our separate ways.


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## susan1m (Oct 4, 2012)

Enjoli, your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm only a year and a half in and people keep talking about how me and the ex should wind up as friends one day. I just don't see it. We are basically no contact - mainly email when we have to communicate. Sometimes text, very rarely over the phone. 

Am I right in thinking you've been doing this for 9 years and you still basically have no contact? Is your daughter adapted well to that? I'm worried about how all this is affecting my 11 year old son. He understands that we don't get along but wishes we could be more like other divorced parents and at least tolerate each other.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think when it comes to boundaries, you have to be consistant with them, if that makes sense.

My ex has a g/f and has since our split, I never say anything negative about her, and I wouldn't say anything to the kids, this is the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, and the kids will also spend time with her. If they don't like her, they'll come to their own conclusion.

My ex comes into my house, but understands it's only to pick up the kids, or bring them home, he doesn't make himself comfortable. He took a bag of cookies once, and it pissed me off, even if it was a small thing, it's a lack of respect, he never did it again. 

I don't really want to sit with him at functions, but I will for the sake of the kids, and I will be friendly enough. He calls every night to say good night, it's bothersome because it interupts our routine, but it's for the kids, and they want that, I say nothing.

Kids pick up on tension, and I've let a lot go, and so has my ex, I'm happy about that.

It's funny though, my kids are young and not fully understanding the situation, but basically know that their parents no longer live together, and have moved on, but today my kids went to the ex's g/f's family for thanksgiving dinner. My daughter asked "are you coming" lol....:rofl: Not in a million years...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

susan1m said:


> Enjoli, your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm only a year and a half in and people keep talking about how me and the ex should wind up as friends one day. I just don't see it. We are basically no contact - mainly email when we have to communicate. Sometimes text, very rarely over the phone.
> 
> Am I right in thinking you've been doing this for 9 years and you still basically have no contact? Is your daughter adapted well to that? I'm worried about how all this is affecting my 11 year old son. He understands that we don't get along but wishes we could be more like other divorced parents and at least tolerate each other.


I have been doing this for 9 years. She was four when I left and is 13 now. He was verbally then physically abusive. My daughter never saw that or remembers it and he blamed the divorce on me and spent a lot of time pounding it into her head so there was some resentment and difficulty with her. 

But now he is ordered to not talk about the divorce, the custody order and not speak negatively of me. And the fact the last round in court got his visitation cut in half (HE had filed for full custody) has "encouraged" him to comply! So that has helped her a lot and our relationship is back to normal mother/daughter. 

Mostly she likes me and shares all sorts of stuff about boys and friends but when I set parental boundaries (NO you cannot take your phone into the SHOWER!) she hates me.  She loves her Disney Dad. He dotes on her and can do no wrong. But I provide boundaries and the stability she needs and I think she appreciates that.

We don't argue in front of her. I think she appreciates the fact that we don't. I don't think she cares that we don't sit together at functions. I think she cares more that we are both there and don't make it awkward for her or embarrass her. She smiles at both of us and we're fine all standing around together afterwards. We'll make polite conversation when she runs off to the restroom or to talk to a friend - we keep the topics neutral or even about her. (Didn't she do great?)

We will be fine with graduations, college stuff, wedding, etc. She knows she can have both of us. When it's about her we put that aside. I think that's the key to her being OK with it. Not optimal - I know a divorced couple who were HOLDING HANDS at school open house. They both come with their new spouses and all sit together. I wish that were us but it never will be.


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