# Anger - ridden Husband Abusing Dog



## EnergyGirl01 (Nov 19, 2015)

For people with experience with domestic abuse please.
I've never thought in my life I would be in this situation. My husband has started exhibiting these angry outbursts where afterwards he admits that he "just saw red" and usually took the anger out on our 7 month old puppy. He either pushed the puppy too hard, or outright hit him and causing him to yelp, or threw him into his crate with anger. All the puppy was doing was being a puppy! 
Last week was the worst by far. The puppy had jumped up and licked the pizza on the counter while my back was turned. I laughed a little, said "no!" And tapped him on the nose, and I put him in the crate just so I could finish making dinner. My husband overheard me and stormed into the kitchen saying "what did he do?" I told him and he ran up to the crate and KICKED THE CRATE halfway across the kitchen with the dog inside. I was so shocked I almost cried. 
He has been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks now about his anger issues. He will have an episode like this, then be super apologetic and depressed for a few days, then he becomes Husband of the Year until he had another outburst.
I called a domestic abuse hotline and was told I need to leave right now.

I have an emergency bag at my place of work (a law enforcement agency) where I can safely stay if I have to leave. But I don't have a plan for the dog and my cat. The only friends I know are also my husband's friends and they would just return the animals to him.
Is it really time to leave? Should I give him more time in therapy and risk the next outburst to be against me? 
I've talked to him about rehoming the dog but he absolutely will not allow it. 
Im going crazy and stressing myself out to the point of exhaustion. I live three states away from any of my family and I have very little money in the bank due to paying off debts. 
I'm just hoping it gets better, and next time I'm going to jump in front of the dog because at least I'm not as defenseless as him.
Any thoughts would help
I'm very lost.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EnergyGirl01 said:


> For people with experience with domestic abuse please.
> I've never thought in my life I would be in this situation. My husband has started exhibiting these angry outbursts where afterwards he admits that he "just saw red" and usually took the anger out on our 7 month old puppy. He either pushed the puppy too hard, or outright hit him and causing him to yelp, or threw him into his crate with anger. All the puppy was doing was being a puppy!
> Last week was the worst by far. The puppy had jumped up and licked the pizza on the counter while my back was turned. I laughed a little, said "no!" And tapped him on the nose, and I put him in the crate just so I could finish making dinner. My husband overheard me and stormed into the kitchen saying "what did he do?" I told him and he ran up to the crate and KICKED THE CRATE halfway across the kitchen with the dog inside. I was so shocked I almost cried.
> He has been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks now about his anger issues. He will have an episode like this, then be super apologetic and depressed for a few days, then he becomes Husband of the Year until he had another outburst.
> ...


I take it this is very new behavior, right? How long have you been married? Has your H exhibited any violent behavior toward you, or just the puppy?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rehome the dog now, without your husband's consent. The dog is a puppy and can easily get adopted. Call an all breed rescue and explain your sitch. They will make room for a dog in danger due to DV. They might even be able to reach out to their network of animal lovers and find a safe haven for your cat should you need to bug out.

Good for you for making these plans!


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## delta88 (Mar 9, 2015)

I'm going to throw this out there but in nature does and alpha dog tap a lessor dog on the nose? You might be taking a human approach to a dog and a dog is not a person and doesn't behave like a person.

Aggression in nature is never frowned upon but it is when a man acts likes a man. It got us this far...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your husband has anger issues he has no business with a dog and especially not a puppy. Dogs are pack creatures and thrive on peace and calm. That puppy can't properly mentally develop in a state of terror and confusion. He'll end up with behavior problems, unwanted, unadoptable, and on the wrong end of a vet's needle. If you and your husband are having thick air between you, the puppy can sense that, too. As for your own safety, if your husband is telling you that he becomes enraged and can't control his own physical actions you need to get out of there. If a dog can make him "see red", why can't you? Maybe his counselor can help him and he may learn ways to control his violent impulses. Sounds like he's telling you that he can't.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

It sounds like the puppy is bringing out some latent anger issue in your hubby? He seems a bit surprised too. 
Not excusing it in any way, but you two need to come to an agreement with how to train the puppy. This behavior is causing way more damage to your marriage than your hubby even knows. 

How long have you been married? 
Have you seen this anger before?
Do you cater to your hubby emotionally in order to never upset him?
I'm assuming you only have fur babies, but do you have children?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

EnergyGirl01 said:


> F My husband has started exhibiting these angry outbursts .... then be super apologetic and depressed for a few days, then he becomes Husband of the Year until he had another outburst.


EG, you're describing warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). How long have you been married and when did he start exhibiting the outbursts? If he really does have strong traits of IED, his outbursts will be triggered by a wide variety of people -- not just you or the puppy. He would, for example, have shown some evidence of road rage or anger with other people.

If the anger is focused only on you and the puppy, however, the warning signs are not for IED but, rather, for traits of a personality disorder wherein he has a strong fear of abandonment or engulfment. In that case, he likely would be extremely reluctant to ever admit being at fault. Yet, because you seem to be describing a man who is extremely apologetic afterward -- and whose anger is triggered by anyone and anything (e.g., a puppy), you are describing red flags for IED, not a PD. I therefore suggest you read the Mayo Clinic's description of IED. And I agree with @Anon Pink and others who suggest you rehome the dog now.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Intolerable.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Get the puppy out of the house and adopted out to a suitable home. You should get away from this man as well but the puppy has no choice in this matter. Don't have children with this man.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

delta88 said:


> I'm going to throw this out there but in nature does and alpha dog tap a lessor dog on the nose? You might be taking a human approach to a dog and a dog is not a person and doesn't behave like a person.
> 
> Aggression in nature is never frowned upon but it is when a man acts likes a man. It got us this far...


That's not exactly right.

Correction not aggression. That's what an alpha does, correct a behaviour from a pack member. We view it as aggression when it's not.

I'm sorry but the husband is aggressive, those are not corrective behaviours.

Her tapping the dog's nose isn't the best corrective behaviour either. Alphas correct at the flank or by putting themselves above the head of the other pack member. Growling is the first warning, a nip at the flank is another, chest bumping with alpha head above the others. Nips at the back side, hip or along the flank.

Pet a dog on the head, puts the dog below you and shows who is alpha, pet a dog under the chin and builds confidence and self esteem (or favours a behaviour wanted).

Never favour unwanted behaviours, correct appropriately and always favour good behaviour and calm submissive energy.

Show calm, assertive energy to get a calm submissive state in any dog.

As for the situation among the humans, it causes misbehaviour in dogs. Ditch the husband keep the dog (and cat).

We teach people how to treat us, stop teaching him he can treat you like that and start teaching him you won't tolerate it anymore.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Get that poor puppy out of that house NOW. I don't care why your husband is doing what he's doing, that doesn't matter at this point. The only thing that matters is your safety and the pets.

AnonPink is right - I run a dog rescue in Australia, and we will ALWAYS make room for a dog in a DV case, we've done it before. In one case, we had a dog in foster care for a couple of months until the owner could get her own place and was safe, she was then able to get her dog back. I'm sure there's rescues like ours in the US - please reach out for help xxx


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I've seen several cases where dogs were killed by abusive boyfriends/husbands. Unfortunately, the punishment for that is not anywhere near what it needs to be. Usually just a misdemeanor with a slap on the wrist. It doesn't always spread over to the woman, but if it does the law enforcement is usually far more concerned about the person than the animal. Sounds like your husband needs counseling to get this under control.


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## EnergyGirl01 (Nov 19, 2015)

Sorry I haven't responded. I keep getting kicked off the server for some reason.

We have been married 2 1/2 yrs, together about 4 total. 

He is still going to counseling weekly and I am seeing progress, though he still has had a couple outbursts since my last post. One was on thanksgiving, actually, and was so horrible we left dinner early and on the way home he said "tell me now if you want me to leave". I was too shocked, scared, and cowardly to even respond. 

I still love him but it feels different now. Every time I see him have an outburst like that, a part of me breaks off a little. And I don't know how those pieces will ever fit back together again. 

I want to be the supportive wife. But I'm so lost.

The rescue won't take the dog back if it's been abused. I reread our contract. Which means he would go to a shelter and the shelters around here are all kill shelters. I may have a work friend who has a farm and might take the dog as a last resort. 

On top of everything else, I've made the mistake of confiding in my friend who is 20 years my senior and is also going through marital problems, and now it seems we are growing feelings for each other through this bond. I know I should cut contact, but then I would lose my only close friend here. 

Judge me if you will, I deserve it. 

Just thought I'd give you an update. Thank you for your responses. Has anyone else been here? Does anyone know this awful feeling?


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## Mussi (Dec 7, 2015)

Coming from a home with a violent father and a codependent mother I advice you to get out ASAP. 

My dad would beat us, in an angry outburst, would apologize to us, and would go right back to beating us again next time he saw red. And he saw red often.

Whatever you do don't have children with him, my parents had a dog before they had kids, and my dad wasn't violent towards the dog, so I think the warning signs in your case are even greater. 

I am proud of you for taking steps to leave, now all you have to do is actually do it.

I'm sorry for your husband, but good on him that he gets help.

The feelings of love for him will most likely diminish as time and abuse goes on. It did for my mom, but with the years you also run the risk of getting more and more codependent. She now resents him tremendously, but still doesn't leave him. My mom was in your shoes, living in a different country without close friends or family, it's the perfect set up for you to be dependent on an abusive man. But unlike her you have taken some steps to get out and you are seeking help and advice outside, like here online and with your colleagues.

The situation with your colleague is a thing apart, I wouldn't focus on that right now, that's not your priority right now and I don't think our priority is to judge you over developing feelings for someone else even if he is married, you are human and you are vulnerable right now, someone is kind to you, it's normal you get emotioanally attached. 

Same with the dog. Not enough of a priority to keep you in that house. The dog is important of course, but what's more important is that you leave before it's too late. ANY other place is better for your puppy than with your husband. A farm sounds amazing, as, long as it's not a euphemism 

Have you reached out to your family? If they knew your situation maybe they could help you? My mom thought she couldn't reach out to her family, she was too ashamed, thought her parents wouldn't help her, but that was just her victim mentally talking. Most likely your family would run to help you.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

EnergyGirl01 said:


> The rescue won't take the dog back if it's been abused.


WTF kind of "rescue" is that???

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you even have to be told to get the dog out of the way of this abusive a**. Get the dog OUT already! Please!!! It's just an innocent little life! Can't you see that?!?

Your husband should be in jail, or better yet, he should be having people beat on him like he does to helpless creatures. I have zero tolerance for cowards who behave like that.


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## EnergyGirl01 (Nov 19, 2015)

Mussi,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I sometimes stare at my phone and try to talk myself into calling my mom and telling her what's going on...but I always chicken out. If I tell her, then it's real, you know? I'm terrified of how my family may respond- mostly I'm scared of actually leaving him. I don't remember how to survive without a second income and the idea of my marriage ending is too overwhelming right now. 

Thank you for the advice about my friend and thank you for not judging. You're right- too much to worry about right now I don't need that pressure.

Will keep you updated, thanks.


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