# I hate the ups and downs



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

This morning I was feeling good. I felt so good I had an appetite and considered treating myself to something nice. By the time I got home later, I was back at the bottom again, dazed and confused. It's only been 2 weeks and a few days and I know these are 'normal' feelings. I just wish I could hold onto those ups a little bit longer.

My wife just called and told me she was on her way home from work. She hasn't called to tell me she was on her way home from work for almost a month. Today she also said the words "Love you." as I left for the day, something I haven't heard her say without me saying it first. 

I still don't want to be out socializing with people. I have a wedding to attend on July 3rd and asked my wife to join me. The people at the wedding will be all new people that neither of us really know...which would make things easier...but I'm still feeling anti-social. My boss called today for a meeting with the people in my section. My boss is one person who knows what's happening and is making sure I get the time off I need when I need it, which is nice. For a little while today I tried to imagine a life without my wife and if it were possible. I can't...not even if I could have the most beautiful of all women...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Goodmorning, 
Just wanted to say, it's all normal what you are feeling, take things slowly, look after yourself and take whatever time you need.....
I remember hiding out for a couple of months as well, I only saw a few friends and that was it......
The I love you and the phone call sound hopeful......little steps...


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't push it. Don't ask questions. Take what she gives. Don't react when the elevator drops 10 floors. You will not hit the bottom. Stay strong. Be prepared for the NO answer on the wedding. Don't get too high if says yes. Keep a level head. Even when you are prepared it will be very difficult. She will spew noxious statements. Don't respond. Listen. Stay calm. Measure your words. You are doing great two weeks. Keep your expectations very low. The fog is thick.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

My wife came home last night and we had a nice time talking about a visit to the U.S. I've never been but my wife has. She was talking about the places she thinks I would like and friends she would like to introduce me to.

I went to bed first and let her do her own thing. This morning I tried to cuddle a little but she has an appointment at the nail salon at noon and woke up to get ready. I asked her, since I have the day off as well, if she would like to see a movie. She said "I need some time to think." And that was a downer. I was hoping for an enthusiastic "Yes." but didn't get it. I didn't let on that I felt let down. I'll probably spend most of the day feeling sick to my stomach.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

This may sound insignificant, but if you are asking her to do something with you I am going to suggest you be more assertive. Remember, you are working on you not her. Think "I" to become we. "I would like you to join me for a movie this afternoon. There are a couple of really good movies out. I was thinking about X, Y or Z."


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

She feels she still needs time to think. She has said to her friend (A mutual friend) that she feels that after what she did that she may not know what love means or what marriage is. She says that she loves me but then doesn't understand how she could do something like get naked with another man.

This morning, conversation was going well. She then asked "When are you going to meet (Another friend)." I am in no mood to meet friends but she says "I want you to see your friends. Even if it's just for light conversation. You don't have to talk about anything difficult." But I get the feeling that she just wants to know that I'm out and about doing something so she doesn't have to worry that I'm worried...but being out and about just makes me feel sicker.

Because of her need for time, I'm being a bit of a coward when it comes to assertiveness. I'm being patient. If I push the idea that we should go as part of the reconciliation process she would go but I would hear about it later "I really didn't want to go." Even before all this happened, whenever I've pushed for something she's always gone along with it. Sometimes she finds that the push was good and she enjoyed whatever it is we did and sometimes she just felt pushed and was sure to let me know later that day, week or month.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

We met in town and saw a movie. I felt sick throughout the movie. The only time I felt half good was when I reached to hold her hand. It wasn't a 'love' movie, it was Iron Man 2. There was 1 scene in the movie that kinda touched both our hearts but we wouldn't know that until after the movie. Then she asked if she could show me a store she liked and I went and was happy. Her perfume is making me sick because all I can think of when I smell that is her...sounds silly.

After the movie we went outside and started talking about moving. I have a friend in real-estate and gave him a call for some advice. I handed the phone to her. I'm sure the first question he asked was "You doing well?" and her answer was "Somehow." Which is a direct translation...it's kinda like "I'm getting by." I read into that perhaps a little too much. I really didn't know what to say after. I asked her what she thought we should do as far as moving and her answer was "We have to look harder for a place." 

I rode my bike into town and she took a train. I think she's spending some 'alone' time in town. She asked me to pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. I'm home and I'm guessing she's still in town walking around.

So the up today was the email and her saying 'love you' when I rode off. The down was that she's still out window shopping and I'm home going over the entire day like in detail in my head. I don't think she really knows how I feel, or she's set aside those feelings to deal with her own feelings for the moment.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Stay steady. You are working on your confidence. You are doing a great job. Any problem with working harder on the new place? Maybe you could actually go out and see a couple places. She is probably looking for a conversation about the new home. Maybe someone can offer help on this type of conversation. Are you being a Man From Mars? We like to answer questions. Women From Venus are not all ways looking for the answer. What if you talk her about the things she wants to get out of the move? I need some help here.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

hang on there. You have been very brave. Take it one day at a time. When talking, it does not have to be serious topic. Women usually talk for the sake of talking and bonding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

We came home and started looking at different places online.

The place we have now is big, convenient and cheap. BUT...she messed up and now we are moving. Every time she sighs at the prices a little man inside me said "It's your fault we have to move."

I want to move anyways. I don't want to be in the same building as the OM. Also, her work friends are less 'party people' and more 'dinner at my place' people...and where we'd be moving is near her work friends.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Sounds good. The sooner you get out of the building the better. I would push this hard. Be supportive of her decisions.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

OK...so today is turning into a down day...

I woke up early and tried cuddling with my wife. She wasn't very receptive. I decided to 'take charge' and said "I'm going into town to look at a couple places at a real-estate agency." in the hopes that she would tag along since it was her day off as well. She told me to go ahead and that maybe she would come in the afternoon.

The afternoon came and I had looked at a bunch of places. The things is, I can't make the decision to move to one place or another without her. So I called and said I had seen some good places in hopes that she would then say something like "OK. I'll come down." Instead she said "I've got to do some things too." I came home and saw that she was looking on her PC at fake eye lashes and beauty products. I'm sure she's going into town for that. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

So far I'm getting the feeling that SHE feels I'm not giving her room to breathe. I'm doing my best at coping with the infidelity but her attitude seems off...like I'm 'trouble' and I'm 'in the way'...I would bring these up with her but as communication is already fragile, I'm holding this all in in the hopes that something happens...something good. But that may just be wishful thinking...

I remember the days when we would try so hard to have the same day off so we could spend it together doing something. Now it's almost like the opposite...if she has the day off she wants to try and spend as much of it apart from me with the occasional 'I'm here, let's do something quick so I can leave again' kinda feeling. I was hoping for more remorse on her end...


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Hopefully thisis the withdrawal phase and she isn't still working on the affair. Why would she want to leave that building if she is still pining for the OP. Review your sources for advice on withdrawal. Since my wife is in the heat of her affair, I haven't really looked into withdrawal. What do you think? My gut feeling is you have to get out of that building. You own this right? Put it on the market. That will put a fire under this.


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