# Sex and Relationships



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How important is sex in your relationship?

draconis


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

everything .. sex is everything in my relationship . 
but dont take my advice .. I'm about to lose my wife .

to me , sex is something that you do to show your partner how much you care for them , to my wife .. sex is just sex ..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

For me I think in part it is a guage and a part of a healthy relationship. Let's face it most people like sex. It releases chemicals into the brain so no wonder we want that rush. But more important to me is the fact that every session of sex for the wife and I mean we are going to cuddle and bond after. We are going to talk from our hearts. Sex isn't a have to thing but it is a good, fun thing to be sure.

draconis


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## Calichick (Oct 10, 2007)

I do beleive sex is a healthy part of any relationship.

However my marriage is now lacking that. I find myself turned off because my husband does not spend any time with me, at night while I'm asleep he spends hours on the computer visiting porn sites. I know of these because I've checked the history and I find save photos under my c drive. I've asked him about it and he says he only does it for fun. I'm at a point where I don't want to deal with him anymore, because I feel he should be spending those long hours at night with me and not on a porn site. 
Any ideas or comments.


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## lovemywife (Oct 10, 2007)

wow Calichick , if I didn't know better I would think that your my wife posting that .
I unfortunatly have no advice as we are going through the same problem , just feel better knowing someone shares your exact same issue .
I'm working on fixing this problem , but it's going to be a very long road for me .

good luck , I wish you the best


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Calichick said:


> I do beleive sex is a healthy part of any relationship.
> 
> However my marriage is now lacking that. I find myself turned off because my husband does not spend any time with me, at night while I'm asleep he spends hours on the computer visiting porn sites. I know of these because I've checked the history and I find save photos under my c drive. I've asked him about it and he says he only does it for fun. I'm at a point where I don't want to deal with him anymore, because I feel he should be spending those long hours at night with me and not on a porn site.
> Any ideas or comments.


1) Put down a picture of good looking food on a plate for dinner. When he asks about it say well I though you liked pictures better then the real thing.

2) If you don't have any little kids in the house down load a guy or better yet a two gay guys and put it to screen saver. See how he feels. Tell him that is how he makes you feel.

3) Ask him why he doesn't want the real thing.

draconis


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## jhough142 (Oct 8, 2007)

I think sex is a necessity in marriage. I have recently been going through the fear that my wife is attracted to another, a guy she works with. Now, I am a fairly jealous person (because it has happened to me before), but some signs were there. We were not getting along, we weren't talking, and it was just a gut feeling. Anyways, I think sex is an intregal part, but my wife has seen it as more of a "duty". I have been doing some things differently (outside of the bedroom) and have seen a a huge improvement. The big thing i notice is my wife's sex drive is NOTHING like mine, and it never has been even when we were courting. So, it would stand that if i am not getting it at home, I need to get it elsewhere, but I DO NOT belive in that. Sometimes you just need to take care of business yourself, unfortunately.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

jhough142 said:


> I think sex is a necessity in marriage. I have recently been going through the fear that my wife is attracted to another, a guy she works with. Now, I am a fairly jealous person (because it has happened to me before), but some signs were there. We were not getting along, we weren't talking, and it was just a gut feeling. Anyways, I think sex is an intregal part, but my wife has seen it as more of a "duty". I have been doing some things differently (outside of the bedroom) and have seen a a huge improvement. The big thing i notice is my wife's sex drive is NOTHING like mine, and it never has been even when we were courting. So, it would stand that if i am not getting it at home, I need to get it elsewhere, but I DO NOT belive in that. Sometimes you just need to take care of business yourself, unfortunately.



Well I see two positive things here first is that you will not cheat on your wife. Good for you.

Second that you do things outside the bedroom to fix the marriage. It works to get things in the bedroom working too. The happy a person is with you, the more connected they feel, the more they will want sex.

As far as the jealousy thing goes I will address it later. I see this as a thing popping up all over these forums.

draconis


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi, Lately I dont think sex is as important, but I think my relationship has caused me to think like that! How many times do you think couples should be having sex a week? currently we are 1 to 2 times but he only last seconds when we are having sex or he's going soft....Also can anyone tell me how to post a topic here lol:scratchhead:
icey


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, I see you already have posted a topic so I don't think that is an issue.

It sounds like he is suffering from ED, sooner or later I have to do a thesis on that too, but that is down the road.

Sex should be you are both satisfied. If he can't please you with intercourse then he should more then make up for it with oral. If you are not satisfied with the sex you need to have a frank discussion because I think his doctor may be able to help him.

I am also on a forum that talks about sex/relationship and I think we polled one time that 3-4 times a week was average but it ranged all over the place like how long a session lasted normally it seemed to be 30-45 minutes.

draconis


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## abigailkrn (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi, I'm new here but have the same issues with my husband.

My husband also likes to look at porn when I'm not around and it pisses me off! I have caught him masturbating to pictures of naked women several times and it hurts my feelings. When he lies about it I flip out. He has left some of these pictures out mistakenly and I found them. I have 3 daughters from a previous marriage and they just as easily could have found them.

He says his behavior has nothing to do with me or our relationship. He loves me and my body blah, blah....... If it upsets me than it does affect our relationship. 

Does every man engage in this behavior?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

abigailkrn said:


> Hi, I'm new here but have the same issues with my husband.
> 
> My husband also likes to look at porn when I'm not around and it pisses me off! I have caught him masturbating to pictures of naked women several times and it hurts my feelings. When he lies about it I flip out. He has left some of these pictures out mistakenly and I found them. I have 3 daughters from a previous marriage and they just as easily could have found them.
> 
> ...


No not every guy is like that.

Yes most are sadly.

He probably does love you and is attracted to you etc.

You need to share with him your discomfort about it.

draconis


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## aeroz (Oct 14, 2007)

I look at porn more than my boyfriend. But he's sowed his oats; he's been with 6 other women besides me. I've only been with him, and am curious about other people, but am afraid that acting on that curiosity can upset my delicate emotional state regarding sexuality, what it means, and how it plays out in a relationship. There is potential on my side for pain and scarring if I explore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

aeroz said:


> I look at porn more than my boyfriend. But he's sowed his oats; he's been with 6 other women besides me. I've only been with him, and am curious about other people, but am afraid that acting on that curiosity can upset my delicate emotional state regarding sexuality, what it means, and how it plays out in a relationship. There is potential on my side for pain and scarring if I explore.


There is nothing wrong with curiousity as long as it conforms to the agreement of the relationship you are in. Since he has no problem with you watching porn and you are not addicted to it I see nothing wrong with you viewing it.

It is really respectful that you have held out so long and have one one partner. That is the sign of a moral person.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

aeroz said:


> I look at porn more than my boyfriend. But he's sowed his oats; he's been with 6 other women besides me. I've only been with him, and am curious about other people, but am afraid that acting on that curiosity can upset my delicate emotional state regarding sexuality, what it means, and how it plays out in a relationship. There is potential on my side for pain and scarring if I explore.


Hi, new here.

This is somewhat similar to my situation. My husband is a bit older and more experienced and I explore my sexuality through porn more than he does. I know that our relationship would never be an open one and if my desires became too much I would have to leave the marriage.

On the main topic, I think that sex is important in a relationship. My husband and I click on every level but sexually and it does create a strain. I sincerely hope that since we are compatible in every other way that will change with time and effort.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

evenow said:


> Hi, new here.
> 
> This is somewhat similar to my situation. My husband is a bit older and more experienced and I explore my sexuality through porn more than he does. I know that our relationship would never be an open one and if my desires became too much I would have to leave the marriage.
> 
> On the main topic, I think that sex is important in a relationship. My husband and I click on every level but sexually and it does create a strain. I sincerely hope that since we are compatible in every other way that will change with time and effort.


I have found often sex drives are different and few things change them. I have talk about this often and normally healthy couples settle in the middle (A) likes 6 times a week were (B) likes once. They settle on three sometimes four. The fourth is normally a two for day. Health, jobs, kids, stress can all play a factor too.

draconis


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## ACCER (Oct 16, 2007)

Someone once said that sex is like air: It only matters if you aren't getting enough.

In a happy relationship it's not as important in and of itself because it's part of the whole. In an unhappy relationship it because something you gauge the relationship on so it seems to matter more.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ACCER said:


> Someone once said that sex is like air: It only matters if you aren't getting enough.
> 
> In a happy relationship it's not as important in and of itself because it's part of the whole. In an unhappy relationship it because something you gauge the relationship on so it seems to matter more.


Okay touche let me redefine what I meant. Most healthy relationships have a good sexual base. You notice a drop in the sex as things are going bad and when thing are going good your tend to have more Intimacy.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

> Most healthy relationships have a good sexual base. You notice a drop in the sex as things are going bad and when thing are going good your tend to have more Intimacy.


You know, I agree with you. Strangely in my situation though as our lives/relationship got better and less stressful we had sex less. I still don't understand this and neither does he.



> (A) likes 6 times a week were (B) likes once. They settle on three sometimes four.


But doesn't this lead to Person A feeling unfulfilled and frustrated? He still likes it 6 times a week and isn't getting it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

evenow said:


> But doesn't this lead to Person A feeling unfulfilled and frustrated? He still likes it 6 times a week and isn't getting it.


But he or she can compromise. If I was person A I'd rather have 3-4 then one and be happy I wasn't getting one. 

draconis


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

sex used to be number 1 and a half and now just 2. before my sexual urges were 5x a day almost every day of the week. and now since i have more of a family, school, work load...it's been demoted to at least 2x times a week and twice in a day. i've been with my fiance 6 years now and we've known each other for 7. it's pretty nice. 

i also find myself looking at porn but at his place since it is "shunned" at my home. hahahaha and since i have siblings that are young, i would find it inappropriate whereas my fiance has the whole downstairs from his house and his parents live upstairs. so more privacy. i am always curious about how other people do it, but do not want to try it myself. i'd rather just see or read about it.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

oh yes and sex for me was low because emotional connection and bond and happiness with my partner came first. if we have problems, i am just not able to perform and if we are just happy, well you know...the bedroom is like a jungle!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Funny I wrote a porn thesis.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/346-porn-thesis.html

I expected a much different reaction from women then what I got. It seems most women are curious about it and many admit they watch it more then their other halves do. The exception is more guys are addicted to it.

Either way a good read.

draconis


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## gzmaster (Nov 7, 2007)

I've just got newly wed and beginning to explore sexuality. My wife was a virgin when she's married to me, so she was quite shy about sex, often closing her eyes and we make love without lights on.

The problem I have with our sex (which I'm trying to get her to co-operate) is:

1. Make love when there is light. She often refuses it, and prefers to make love at dark.

2. She's quite shy about exposing naked to me. Heck... if I watch her in her bra, I would get aroused easily.

3. She seldom does foreplay to me (like kissing, caressing or oral sex). This gives me difficulty in getting myself full erection for penetration. I'm sure I don't have erect dynfunction. If I receive full foreplay and arousal, I'll get erect properly.

4. I've no problem doing foreplay to her to get her wet.

Can someone help me on this?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

gzmaster said:


> I've just got newly wed and beginning to explore sexuality. My wife was a virgin when she's married to me, so she was quite shy about sex, often closing her eyes and we make love without lights on.
> 
> The problem I have with our sex (which I'm trying to get her to co-operate) is:
> 
> ...


Okay I will help with what I can but remember as you pointed out she is a virgin and needs time to feel good about herself. It may take years and you have to expect that, and respect it too.

1) Lights on ~ Chemically and for bonding purpose it is better with the lights on. However her being new to this I am sure she is shy. Try to make love during the day once a week. This may help get her there.

Sex should be about more then just sex. All the things that get you to that point should be everyday all the time. Hugs, kissing and cuddling. Massages etc. Don't expect sex to be a reward for intimancy, the two go hand in hand but [they] don't mean much if the only time you get "kissy" with her is when you "want some". I was kissy with the wife before leaving knowing we wouldn't be able to do anything because of our schedules for the next few days. But the love and affection is worth so much more and in the end sex is a part of that.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

2) Train yourself to be calm sexually around her. She might look at it as being pushed. Always compliment her on her looks not jus her body but anything else that draws you to her. Eyes, hair skin etc.

3) For virgins that is quite common. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it never happens. Mostly it will take herself feeling good about what she is doing. I also suggest that you make sure you are clean before every time if you can help it. It is hard with those passionate times that you two want to ravage each other but take showers often and before bed. Who wants to have sex with someone that has a days worth of stink on them.

draconis


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## Jewel (Nov 5, 2007)

I think that sex is important in a relationship to some extent. Fortunately for me, my husband and I both enjoy it and think it is equally important. I think that your opinion of how important sex is only matters to your partner, really.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Thinking out loud:

Sex is just a quick fix..sometimes you have sex and other times you allow your self to feel, be intamite and share that part of your self with the one you love.......anyone can have sex, but it takes two special people to make love to one another


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

gzmaster said:


> I've just got newly wed and beginning to explore sexuality. My wife was a virgin when she's married to me, so she was quite shy about sex, often closing her eyes and we make love without lights on.
> 
> The problem I have with our sex (which I'm trying to get her to co-operate) is:
> 
> ...


1. Heck, I prefer to have sex in the dark still. But I realize that boys are more visual. Maybe she could try a blindfold?

2. This is completely normal. Most women grow up with a distorted image of what beautiful is. Let her know that she is gorgeous. Tell her in and out of bed. Before and after sex. Tell her what parts you like on her (don't just say boobs: neck, legs--tell her the way she moves turns you on, etc). Be patient. It takes a thousand positive words to make up for one negative one. And nothing is more sexy than a confident woman--it will be worth it.

3. Come onto her where she can't just have sex with you. Kiss her. Whisper things in her ear. Sometimes approach her in bed to kiss and caress her without sex. Encourage her to touch you. Be verbal as much as you can and tell her what you like. And whenever she makes an effort tell her how great/sexy/hot she was. 

4. Good. Also encourage her to tell you what she likes. The more she shares the better things will be.


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## cat577 (Nov 12, 2007)

At this point in my life I could care less about sex. I work full time, have three kids, and a handful of pets plus the normal stuff to do around the house (which I feel like I get minimal help from DH with but that's another topic all together!). Granted I do take an antidepressant which does decrease my drive but even before that my drive was gone. It's one more thing that needs to be done. I'm 30 and people keep telling me my "peak" will happen but WHEN?


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

Sex to me is somewhat important. With the guy I have been with for about 2 years now, in the beginning it was GREAT!!! We did it like 3-4 times a week, EASY!! Now it just seems that if we do it 1 time a month that is a miracle. I think he is cheating, but can't prove it. He claims he isn't but when we used to be together about 10 years ago he constantly cheated on me. Sigh...........


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

cat577 said:


> At this point in my life I could care less about sex. I work full time, have three kids, and a handful of pets plus the normal stuff to do around the house (which I feel like I get minimal help from DH with but that's another topic all together!). Granted I do take an antidepressant which does decrease my drive but even before that my drive was gone. It's one more thing that needs to be done. I'm 30 and people keep telling me my "peak" will happen but WHEN?


It sounds like you let the depression effect not only your sex drive but your relationship too.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

3plus3 said:


> Sex to me is somewhat important. With the guy I have been with for about 2 years now, in the beginning it was GREAT!!! We did it like 3-4 times a week, EASY!! Now it just seems that if we do it 1 time a month that is a miracle. I think he is cheating, but can't prove it. He claims he isn't but when we used to be together about 10 years ago he constantly cheated on me. Sigh...........


What makes you think he is cheating?

Better yet why did you take him back knowing he was a cheater?

draconis


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## Jewel (Nov 5, 2007)

Do you think that there is really a normal number of times a month to be having sex? My husband and I have been together for years, not married that entire time, and we still have sex at least 4 times a week.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Jewel said:


> Do you think that there is really a normal number of times a month to be having sex? My husband and I have been together for years, not married that entire time, and we still have sex at least 4 times a week.


I guess it depends on the couple. Good healthy relationships that are problem free seem to hang around 3-5 times a week. After married for 10 years and 4 kids my wife and I still seem to find time to be within that range.

draconis


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

I think sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. In nearly any other aspect of a relationship, one can go outside of the marriage to seek satisfaction. My wife and I each have friends we can talk to, confide with, and/or engage in activities that our spouses don't care for. I love to listen to live music, she doesn't. She loves to crochet, I don't care for it. I've been known to belly up to a bar for an evening, she doesn't drink. She's can watch "What not to Wear" for 5 hours straight, I can't stand it.

In each instance, we have friends or family that we can enjoy the activity with, without our spouse. Sex is the one aspect of a marriage (unless you're talking about an open relationship, and I don't think anyone is) where we can absolutely not go outside of the relationship. Therefore, sex becomes terribly important. I think all of us can attest to a relationship where an imbalance in desire created tension. 

If my wife doesn't want to go bowling tonight, I'll call some friends. If my wife doesn't want to dance between the sheets, then I'm out of luck. And if she doesn't the next day, and the next after that, then suddenly what would otherwise be a terrific relationship becomes clouded with resentment, sadness, etc.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

NoIinThreesome said:


> If my wife doesn't want to go bowling tonight, I'll call some friends. If my wife doesn't want to dance between the sheets, then I'm out of luck. And if she doesn't the next day, and the next after that, then suddenly what would otherwise be a terrific relationship becomes clouded with resentment, sadness, etc.


I never thought of it like that. Well said and kudos.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

i personally think that sex (i'm a hopeless romantic, and enjoy using the term 'love-making' rather than sex ) is a very important part of the relationship and as draconis said, of a healthy one.
and it's a time to share the kind of intimacy that we can only share with our spouse and also make the relationship flourish and grow, strengthening the bond between the husband and wife. and open, heart-to-heart conversations which most often follow it... it's just great. sex shouldn't be something merely physical... it should also be the emotional part of it.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

I love sex, and I feel it really does show how good your relationship is. I have always had a higher sex drive than my DH, which did cause some problems. That was before our DS came along! Now I am too tired etc to bother too much so we are more on a par. Not that I really like it this way (or maybe I have just given up?), I would prefer DH to try every now and again. I reckon we have sex about every 1.5 weeks? We are married just over a year. God that sounds terrible typed down......


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

madmam said:


> I love sex, and I feel it really does show how good your relationship is. I have always had a higher sex drive than my DH, which did cause some problems. That was before our DS came along! Now I am too tired etc to bother too much so we are more on a par. Not that I really like it this way (or maybe I have just given up?), I would prefer DH to try every now and again. I reckon we have sex about every 1.5 weeks? We are married just over a year. God that sounds terrible typed down......



The problem is that you know there is something wrong and he doesn't. It sounds more like you have given up on it then are to tired for it. Send your husband a card or an email that lets him know that you value the relationship but that one person can not make it work.

draconis


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## Twineball (Nov 27, 2007)

We got together about three years ago and the sex was always amazing and exciting, and we were always trying new things. We got married almost six months ago, and the sex seemed to go downhill a bit. It's true that we both got really busy with life, but it usually just seems really mechanical lately. I don't NEED the sex to still be in love with her, obviously, but the sex were having three years ago would be pretty fun to revisit.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Twineball said:


> We got together about three years ago and the sex was always amazing and exciting, and we were always trying new things. We got married almost six months ago, and the sex seemed to go downhill a bit. It's true that we both got really busy with life, but it usually just seems really mechanical lately. I don't NEED the sex to still be in love with her, obviously, but the sex were having three years ago would be pretty fun to revisit.


Then make sure to do a little thing for her everyday. A note, and email, a flower, a card, cooking for her. Always make time for her and things will fall into place.

draconis


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## Twineball (Nov 27, 2007)

draconis said:


> Then make sure to do a little thing for her everyday. A note, and email, a flower, a card, cooking for her. Always make time for her and things will fall into place.
> 
> draconis


I wish it were as easy as that. 
But the thing is, I don't want to be the only one craving good sex in our relationship. She's not really into turning me on any more it seems. It's just a nonchalant, "You wanna do it?"
and then it's just gettin' the job done. And turning her on is pretty well impossible these days.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Twineball said:


> I wish it were as easy as that.
> But the thing is, I don't want to be the only one craving good sex in our relationship. She's not really into turning me on any more it seems. It's just a nonchalant, "You wanna do it?"
> and then it's just gettin' the job done. And turning her on is pretty well impossible these days.


When you first meet a person there are more chemical reasons you want to have sex. But after a short period 6-12 months those chemical die down and you are left with security. The point is to keep things fresh. Worst case is nothing changes but you have added a new demention to the relationship. The best case is things become better.

My question to you is what do you have to lose?

draconis


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## Twineball (Nov 27, 2007)

I guess I don't know what you mean by "keep things fresh". She used to be into all kinds of stuff. We were pretty wild a couple years ago. We've tried most of what there is to try, so there's not much "newness" left. I don't know what to do to encourage freshness. It seems that stress has just put us into a rut.


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## riskey58 (Oct 30, 2007)

This might sound strange to a lot of you, But we have been married for almost 40 years, and finding out that sex is not as important as it used to be. It is still great, but there are so many other ways too show your love.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

riskey58 said:


> This might sound strange to a lot of you, But we have been married for almost 40 years, and finding out that sex is not as important as it used to be. It is still great, but there are so many other ways too show your love.


Of course there are but unlike must other ways sex changes you on a chemical level, playing bridge together doesn't come close to that. Real love is considering the other person all the time and doing selfless acts for them everyday so they know they are loved.

There is nothing wrong with sex. I prefer to have a healthy relationship and the more dimensions the better. Sex is another dimension we can add. It chemically bonds you, is a sign of love, good for the health, and mind. Plus, it is a whole lot of fun.

draconis


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Hi,

I'm back - again.
We seem to be back right where we started.
I feel utterly rejected and under-appreciated.
Yes, I ahve told my DH how I feel, and yes, he takes me to bed and does wonderful things to me by way of apology, and yes, I think maybe this is a new start for us. Then we go back to the same thing again.
Its been more than a week since we last had sex, and even then it was a bit of a disaster - actually this is the first time this has happened - I couldn't climax. Now, I am on anti depressants for PND adn I am hoping that this is the problem, but I am not so sure.
If you read the beginning of this thread, that should get the general idea of our situation. But I think things are getting worse. Apart from what I just wrote, I was rejected again this morning. Without getting too graphic, we had a couple of minutes before the baby had to get up, so I initated a bit of er....touching so to speak. I got the desired effect, and even though I knew we couldn't do anything as we didn't have time, I thought we could have a little snog or something, maybe as a little aperatif for later? Anyway, DH just turned over. Said he was going to lie in for a while. So, feeling rejected (again), I got up, cos, hell, SOMEONE had to get the baby up. So I was quiet when he came down. Then he said sorry for what he did, adn that he was feeling grumpy, adn that we could 'carry this on' tonight. I thought, great! Er, no.
Later on this evening, I wasn't holding out much hope as DH had gone to the gym so I knew he is usually too tired for sex (I know!). He grabs me (and its funny, I now flinch, as I am not used to being affectionately grabbed anymore), and says something like 'maybe we will have sex?'. You see, he is always in control of our sex life. I want it more than him, so he gets to call the shots all the time. I say something like 'maybe....'. I don't like to get my hopes up anymore, as they are usually dashed, and I knew he was going to the gym, so I thought it wouldn't happen anyway. Then he says 'well, you have to make use of this window of opportunity'. I mean, wtf?? So I let him know that I wasn't taking any of that! I decided then and there that no matter how hard he tried, I would NOT succumb this time, and that for a change, I would be incontrol. No, I HATE playing games and using sex as a weapon, but I have tried everything else! Anyway, he goes to the gym, then we have our hands tied with the baby for a while. He asks what is wrong. I tell him I feel like **** because my period is coming (true). So then I tell him 'looks like you missed the window of opportunity'. I know, childish, but I actually think he got the message.
Anyway, then I go into where our pc is and I find in the history (yes, it automatically comes up when you search for something) that he was looking at some mild porn! So I don't know where to go from here. Every f**k I get feels like a sympathy f**k, and even then it takes sometimes days to get him to do anything. And given the last time we had sex, I feel like I will never even enjoy it any time we have it, as I feel I have had to work sooo hard for it and I've had to cajole him into it, and that he is totally in control of it...and I'm so sick of this. Whatever happened to spontaneity? For once, I would like to be in control, to be the one to decide when we have sex, to be lusted after. Its so hard being on antidepressants for PND without having to deal with this as well. I know he loves me, but how can I take his reasurrances of 'of course I fancy you' seriously when I have to do all of the above just to feel sexy and wanted again?


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

Sex is important, but not a have to type of thing. I think as long as you are respected, and you respect your spouse, then you'll be happy. Sex is an essential part of marriage, because like was said...it releases chemicals in your brain, and is acting been considered a "stress-reliever". I wouldn't leave my husband if he never gave me sex(unless of course he was giving it to someone else), but if my husband was to tell me, "baby, I love you more than anything. You are very important to me, and I am so glad you are my wife. I am just feeling unsexual right now, I hope you respect my decision." IF this was how he felt. NOTHING else was going on behind the scenes, and he was just feeling un-sexual, then I'd be fine with it. I know that I don't need sex to survive...its not like air or water...its more a want to me than a need...if that makes sense.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Hmmmm...you see, sex to me is more important - I need it to feel loved and desired. Maybe I should just give up.....I was kinda hoping for more answers or at least some reassurance


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

madmam said:


> Hmmmm...you see, sex to me is more important - I need it to feel loved and desired. Maybe I should just give up.....I was kinda hoping for more answers or at least some reassurance


sounds like you need a course in other ways to make you feel more loved and desired...there are ways...but some people let sex get in the way of that...


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

No, no, I just want sex. I got it before in our relationship, I want it back. Sex is just important to me. I know he loves me, and shows it in other ways, but....I just want sex.


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## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

I think sex is important to the relationship, but like some other comments I have read, my husband doesn't really like to do foreplay at all, in a traditional sense. Our foreplay is about his fantasy and I'm just supposed to be ready. I've talked to him about what I like, how and where to touch me and that I like him to touch me and to touch him. He doesn't like oral at all, giving or receiving (but I'm the only woman he's been with that has been able to get him off orally). His fantasies don't seem to ever be gentle and loving and just being together. 

When we met, we were very active, almost daily. But I had been laid off from my job, he was too...so we had a lot of time and no schedules to keep. Because we couldn't find jobs where we lived, we started driving truck. That decreased our together time (it's funny, you live in an 8x8 box with someone 24/7 but there's little time to be together) and now that we both have full time jobs (more then full time). He gets mad when I have work to do at home in the evenings. His job he can leave at work when he leaves. I'm on call 24/7 and have a work laptop to make sure I can always work when needed. On top of that, I have a very ill mother that I visit several times a week (2 hours on Tues, Thurs & Sat, and most of the afternoon and eveing on Sunday). Because of the added stress of my job (which I do love) and my mom's care, I there's not a lot left for the lengthy fantasies my husband always have to live out each time we have sex. There are no quickies, no firsthing in the morning boner to take care of...just these extended fantasies.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

I think porn causes a strain on relationships. It's not reality. You watched other people doing it and then wonder why your not getting it like that? I know that's what my husband thinks. I have had more partners then him. He won't admit it but I just know so. He expects me to be hanging from chandeliers and that's not reality. He compares our sex life to his friends. I feel sex is important in a relationship but it's not everything. My husbands mom can't have sex anymore because of her ms and my in laws have been together for more then 30 years. If things are good outside of the bedroom then things can be good in the bedroom but both parties have to put the effort and that can be hard when only one person is on board or the other person feels like it does not take all of that.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think for my husband sex is more of a physical need & I also think that's why many men use porn as a substitute because they don't need to think about foreplay or the other person's needs, etc. For me, there is a very emotional connection and my sex drive seems to be totally in line with my relationship--if I feel loved and desired, I want it all the time. If I don't, I don't want it at all. Porn does absolutely nothing for me but doesn't bother me if my husband uses it as long as it doesn't replace the real thing.


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## jeanette (Mar 8, 2008)

3plus3 said:


> Sex to me is somewhat important. With the guy I have been with for about 2 years now, in the beginning it was GREAT!!! We did it like 3-4 times a week, EASY!! Now it just seems that if we do it 1 time a month that is a miracle. I think he is cheating, but can't prove it. He claims he isn't but when we used to be together about 10 years ago he constantly cheated on me. Sigh...........


i think your story is just like mine, My husband is the same. Im lucky if we do it once every six weeks. He also cheated me when we were just going together. I think that we may have husbands, that just get bored with the same old women, no matter what we do to spice it up, because its still the same old thing to them. Im fixing to show his butt a thing or to because after 12 years of being married, its time for a change, because talking doesnt do a bit of good.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

jeanette said:


> i think your story is just like mine, My husband is the same. Im lucky if we do it once every six weeks. He also cheated me when we were just going together. I think that we may have husbands, that just get bored with the same old women, no matter what we do to spice it up, because its still the same old thing to them. Im fixing to show his butt a thing or to because after 12 years of being married, its time for a change, because talking doesnt do a bit of good.


I have been married for ten years and the sex gets better and better. Hell I can't wait for how good we'll know each other after twenty. Men that "get bored" are stupid IMHO.

draconis


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

cat577 said:


> At this point in my life I could care less about sex. I work full time, have three kids, and a handful of pets plus the normal stuff to do around the house (which I feel like I get minimal help from DH with but that's another topic all together!). Granted I do take an antidepressant which does decrease my drive but even before that my drive was gone. It's one more thing that needs to be done. I'm 30 and people keep telling me my "peak" will happen but WHEN?


I know I'm jumping in really late but what cat577 wrote both moved me and saddened me at the same time. I just had to comment on what seems to be an all too common and alarming reality. The loss of sex drive, either for phyciochemical, phycological, hormonal, and or environmental reasons. What I called excuesses with my wife for some reason, moved me when I read it from cat577. Probably my will collapsing under the presure of so many horror stories I've ready. I felt like I had an apiphany for a minute or two. Then my co-worker asks me what I was so into. I explained the post I read and why it moved me. He in turn volunteers that his woman has a weak, nearly non-existant sex drive as well. That he beleives that they only have sex twice a week because she does it for him, most of the time. How sad a state of existance. Is this what the reality of relationships is? He agrees that for men to truely be happy must cheat or move on, at some point. So we are by our very nature condemmed to living in conflict with our morals and labido.
I do love my wife but need to have sex as well. maybe I would truely understand and truely simpathise if I lost my drive, but I haven't. Maybe chemical charstation is the answer? If only they invented a switch.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

draconis said:


> I have been married for ten years and the sex gets better and better. Hell I can't wait for how good we'll know each other after twenty. Men that "get bored" are stupid IMHO.
> 
> draconis


Make us feel worse why don't you.......?! I can't help feeling that you're just being a tad too smug. I don't mean to sound horrid, really I don't, but we are looking for understanding, not someone rubbing it in on how perfect their marriage is. Sorry, its just my reaction to this.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

Madmam - I know how you feel as I have similar problems with my partner.

For once I'd like to be the one in control of when we have sex. I love my partner more than words can say but its been over 2 months now and I'm frustrated as hell.
We've been through some really bad times and the sex was still there yet now we seem to be ok but the sex has vanished.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Dear mad ~

I had no intent to be smug at all. Simply I believe that by being with my partner for such a long time I know what she likes, when she likes it and how to turn her on. SHe also can please me at will. Besides the excitement of something new I find nothing good in "new" sexual partners, more like two people bumbling around hoping not to cross boundries and wanting to get it right on the first shot. I'm not one for that thanks I enjoy what I have and wouldn't give it up or risk losing it.

On the flip side I do have empathy for you. I was married once before, it ended (in part) to her cheating on me. SO I have been on the other side so to speak, however of course I am happy for what I have now.

draconis


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## GinaGrey (Feb 28, 2008)

Sex is an extremely important part of a relionship. As human beings we need it and desire it. It helps to keep the relationship bonded. Sex is good for your healh and your general well being. Sex also doesn't have to be just intercourse either. It can be touching, kissing just being intimate together.
Gina


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## Dixiemagnolia (Mar 15, 2008)

Wow, big topic. I agree that sex is important in a marriage because of the bond it can create between two people. Pleasing someone in that special way that no one else is really supposed to please them is no small thing. It is an incredible gift to give and to get. I also agree that sex can just be fun and exciting with no emotional attachment intended. I have been married twice. Each time for about 17 years. Neither of my husbands have been as fond of sex as I am and neither has been as interested in my ultimate pleasure as I have been in theirs. Even though my present husband is a very nice man and very helpful in other ways, it is like sex is primarilary for him. I got tired of being turned down with a very sweet, but very unfulfilling, "maybe later, dear." so I quit initiating sex a long time ago. I guess it is partly my fault that sex is really just about him. I live in the deep South where men don't like to take instructions from a woman and am pretty old, but am on hormone replacement therapy (hysterectomy victim) so hormonally I am still about 35 and would love to again have the sex I had before I was married the second time. I can totally understand the attraction to younger men so popular today and having to go to the internet for sexual play.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm a freak, been with my wife 18 years....I try to get her in bed as much as possible, at least once a day....I am either addicted to Sex or sex with my iwfe....I believe the altter of the two I ahve no interest in anyone else physically. I try to get in as much as possible before I die or she does...while hopefully that is a long time away, I'm not taking any chances.


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## bluebird (Mar 17, 2008)

Good question..I think sex is important if you have a good/mutally satisfying relationship outside the bedroom...

When we were first dating, we had sex all the time. There was something carefree about it, no real ties between us, not married, no kids, money was ok between us. Meaning, we each had our own bills we took care of..Things were good then, we talked all the time on the phone, talked when we were together, and gradually had a very special tight connection...so it only made sense that we had a good sex life. Then we got married, had a child on our first anniv...the first yr, sex was still good and fairly often...

As the yrs passed, more problems arised with us. After 14 yrs of marriage and 3 kids later.. we basically live like roommates..He spends very little time with me. The only time he wants to be alone with me is to have sex. Other wise, he concentrates on his own interests/hobbies...to say the least we have sex maybe once a month. I could even go without that. Since I dont feel the emotional connection anymore, I dont want to be intimate with him. I use to "think", sex is what I wanted from him. Then we would do it, and I still feel lonely:scratchhead:...I realized it wasnt sex I was missing, it was the relationship we once had.

So back to the question, I think sex is an impt part of a relationship, if everything else is in place.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I may be the odd one out here, but if I look at sex, within itself, I don't think eliminating it would make or break my marriage. I have thought if something ever happened to my husband where he could not have sex (due to illness or something out of his control) I could live with that, because as said previously if we still have the emotional connection, sex itself becomes less important. But if we stopped having sex for reasons within our control, there would be something amiss in our marriage and yes, that would be a problem. But it's easy for me to say this now because we both have healthy, high sex drives at the moment


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Swedish ~ Many people can step up when need be, but often healthy people look at situations different. I have MD and several associated problems. My sex drive has recently taken a nose dive, however the physical connection from it still makes it worth it.

draconis


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Just my opinion, but I couldn't want for more sexually with my husband, and the idea of having sex with another guy who hasn't the slightest clue how to please me, is not my idea of a good time at all. I'm spoiled.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

Lack of sex within a marriage due to a medically related issue is not what most people suffer from. Most people in search of answers live with a controlling spouse who will have nothing to do with them sexually and/or intimately...and always here "oh well you are only doing that for sex"...which irritates me to death..


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## FrustratedCookie (Apr 10, 2008)

*Re: Am I justified in my frustration?*

I'm new to here. So I dunno if I'm posting this in the right place or not. 

My husband and I will be married two years in a few weeks. I don't know where to start except every other week at least, I feel like our marriage is so boring. It's more like a forced roommate situation versus a couple who's supposed to be in love. We do all the stuff that would make you think we're happy. We hold hands, cuddle occasionally, I sleep on his shoulder when traveling places. It's all cute. Except, he would do that with any other friend (girls). There's no sexuality in it or anything, it's just like it's his duty to be nice. Anyways, we both were virgins when we got married. I was 24 and he 26. The whole time we were dating, he talked about making love to me 5 times a day and all that crap. When he was around, he was always so excited to be with me and breathed hard when he touched me or I touched him. The whole young people in love thing.

Then, we got married. We had sex maybe 3 times in 9 days. I was so broken hearted. Here is this new bride, going on her honeymoon, imaging if nothing else, a week or two of lust, love and just bliss, but yet, here I was, crying in the hotel bathroom cuz my husband didn't initiate sex. I dressed up, did my hair, smelled nice and nothing.

I struggled with it and I eventually talked to him and he was sorry and explained it differently, but I think I'm emotionally scarred forever. SO put that aside, we maintained our extremely uneventful sex life for two years. I think the most sex we've had ever, was maybe 3-4 times a week. There were spurs where we don't have sex except once every two weeks. It frustrates me so much.

Here's the best part. He doesn't look up porn, he's not cheating, and he doesn't satisfy himself otherwise. I don't understand why he's just so flat. Our life is basically discussing dinner, eating dinner, watching tv or a movie, discussing that and then going to bed. So boring. Occasionally we do fun stuff, yet it's all done in companionship. I like companionship, but I want love, and passion and fire. We're young, attractive people and have no kids. Shouldn't we be having fun and sex like most of the time? Am I crazy?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

*Re: Am I justified in my frustration?*



FrustratedCookie said:


> I'm new to here. So I dunno if I'm posting this in the right place or not.
> 
> My husband and I will be married two years in a few weeks. I don't know where to start except every other week at least, I feel like our marriage is so boring. It's more like a forced roommate situation versus a couple who's supposed to be in love. We do all the stuff that would make you think we're happy. We hold hands, cuddle occasionally, I sleep on his shoulder when traveling places. It's all cute. Except, he would do that with any other friend (girls). There's no sexuality in it or anything, it's just like it's his duty to be nice. Anyways, we both were virgins when we got married. I was 24 and he 26. The whole time we were dating, he talked about making love to me 5 times a day and all that crap. When he was around, he was always so excited to be with me and breathed hard when he touched me or I touched him. The whole young people in love thing.
> 
> ...



You'd be better served to start a new post so people can respond to just you, however here is my peace or a part of it. Sex 3-4 times a week is a good schedule, but if there is something lacking tell him. Maybe you just need to be better lovers. One thing I have always noticed is the more sex you have the more you want. If it is mind blowing sex you want it alot more. Since he was a virgin before marriage he might have just been going on what people told him and for him it simply wasn't true.

draconis


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## FrustratedCookie (Apr 10, 2008)

*Re: Frustration*

Draconis,

Thanks. I posted a new thread. Also, we aren't having sex 3-4 times a week. We're at once every 8 days. 3-4 was the best we've had, and was once or twice in the last two years.


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