# Is it ok for a husband to chat online?



## confused30

My husband likes to chat with other women online. He has a ton of different people in his yahoo and aol messenger lists. I have had a few problems in the past with him doing this because he would often tell a woman that she is sexy, and he has received pictures and saved them on the computer. He likes to flirt with these "friends". 2 months ago we tried to have a little seperation. During that time, he talked to one of his "friends", when we got back together, he had pictures of this girl in his email, 3 different email messages. He agreed to stop talking to her. Well, I am not comfortable with him doing this anymore, but he won't stop. His latest conversation with a "friend" was very flirty. I did not like it. And no, I do not trust my husband, he has broken it over and over again, but insists he has changed. When I say broke it, I mean lying about phone numbers from other women, he got a room with another woman, etc.


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## Alexandra

Well, it certainly doesn't sound unreasonable for you to have problems with this. His history and all just screams that this area is dangerous territory.

State clearly that this is not OK. Try and put some boundaries in place to keep him away from this kind of stuff. It will be difficult for him (as it seems to be his habit), but he should be doing this for your relationship.

Are you giving him enough love, respect and physical attention? Does he feel satisfied with your attention so that he doesn't need to build "flirty" relationships online?


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## confused30

Well thats the problem, I can't seem to find it within my self to let go of all this pain that has built up in the past five years. I feel like, why should I be the one to do it for him, when he never has done it for me? Its like, every time a new thing pops up, it just opens those wounds. He has screwed me over for the past five years and I'm very bitter about it. I know we need help, well i know that I need help.


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## cody5

Alexandra said:


> Are you giving him enough love, respect and physical attention? Does he feel satisfied with your attention so that he doesn't need to build "flirty" relationships online?


It should be understood on this forum that we're not to blame the cheatee on the cheaters activities. If the cheater feels their relationship is lacking, its THEIR responsibility to work on it WITHIN the marrige, not look outside of it. Nor expect the cheatee to read their minds and change before they are "forced" to cheat.

This question could be asked in EVERY case where there is infidelity, be it emotional or physical. I think we should all agree to not go there any more.


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## scarletblue

I completely agree with Cody. 

I would try to talk to him and tell him that you need to feel more important than these internet friends. That if you and your marriage are important, then he needs to choose your marriage and you over them. See what he chooses. If he chooses the internet friends, then you have choices of your own to make.


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## Alexandra

I apologize if I tread on sensitive ground there Cody. I was not trying to place blame, i was simply trying to help her ask herself questions which, once she found out whether they applied, could help her to change directions. It was really more of a forward-looking question than a backward placing blame question.

Again, I apologize. Myself, I find it more fruitful to figure out what I can do in a situation, rather than spend a lot of energy trying to change other people's actions. I was in no way saying that the Cheater could turn and blame the Cheatee for their mistake.


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## Atholk

I believe what Alex said was fine. Very often the cheatee does something that opens the door, and the cheater walks through it. Ideally the cheater should mention that the door is open.


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## poets't heart

Alexandra said:


> I was not trying to place blame
> 
> I think that is the key...not trying to place blame. Let go of the pain. The key here is to build a good relationship with each other. Communicate. Fix what is wrong.
> 
> In my situation I would be the "cheater" (although fortunately, unsuccessful--but I know my heart was on that path). I did beat myself up over it. And I could argue that there were some things missing in my marriage that prompted me to take the road I took, misguided as it was.
> 
> Slowly I am opening lines of communication with my wife, and things are better.
> 
> But there were reasons why communication shut down in the first place.
> 
> Again, at this point, I want to move away from assigning blame. To myself, or to her. I want a good relationship with my wife. I hope that you can do the same.


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## Chris H.

cody5 said:


> It should be understood on this forum that we're not to blame the cheatee on the cheaters activities. If the cheater feels their relationship is lacking, its THEIR responsibility to work on it WITHIN the marrige, not look outside of it.


While I agree with you about the "blame part," to me, it seemed like Alexandra was suggesting ways she could work on the relationship.

No one's behavior can be blamed on another, but we each have responsibility for working on our relationship. I've seen many people on here who have been cheated on - create positive change in their relationships by changing their own behavior.


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## DameEdna

This is very familiar territory for myself and my husband (we have been married 20 years)

We too had serious issues with us BOTH chatting to the opposite sex (him with his female friends, me with my male friends) and the considerable amount of time taken (hours!) chatting online (separately)

I have to admit. We still do it in small amounts. We keep it very discrete from the other. But sometimes it feels like it enhances our marriage, because it's a nice little distraction on the side (after all... you're married a long time!) 

We KNOW the importance of togetherness (with each other) and doing things with each other etc.... but sometimes knowing he's chatted online (even if it's only a suspicion) doesnt make me want him.... but I think there were cracks anyway.... ours felt like a marriage that happened because we were in the right place at the right time. There was no reason why not. We're fine and good together, but when I hear of how "perfect" other marriages are.....

Of course, this internet thing not ideal, but we've been doing it for the past 7-8 years, it feels normal and that everyone else is probably doing it anyway!

It's a cycle we cant break out of. 

Sorry to confused30 as I'm not much help to you in this situation.


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## mike1

Simple for married people. I think it's almost 100% never a good idea to have relationships with people of the opposite sex if you are in a committed marriage. If you're chatting, flirting, etc with other people (online or in person) then you're not committed in your relationship and are keeping doors opened that shouldn't be.

We're in a crazy time in our society where we don't have time to stop and take a breath so for people to spend energy like that on other relationships is just one reason why so many marriages fail and infidelities occur (IMHO). 

I think you're not out of line to lay it down and tell him this is to stop, period. There is no gray area, he's a married man and if he wants to stay married he's to stop relationships with other women and focus that energy back on to you. You need to do your part and provide what he's missing as much as you can. But chatting to women is not cool at all. If he doesn't want to agree to that then he's not committed to the marriage and these other relationships are more important then you.


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## TempTime

mike1 said:


> Simple for married people. I think it's almost 100% never a good idea to have relationships with people of the opposite sex if you are in a committed marriage. If you're chatting, flirting, etc with other people (online or in person) then you're not committed in your relationship and are keeping doors opened that shouldn't be.
> 
> We're in a crazy time in our society where we don't have time to stop and take a breath so for people to spend energy like that on other relationships is just one reason why so many marriages fail and infidelities occur (IMHO).
> 
> I think you're not out of line to lay it down and tell him this is to stop, period. There is no gray area, he's a married man and if he wants to stay married he's to stop relationships with other women and focus that energy back on to you. You need to do your part and provide what he's missing as much as you can. But chatting to women is not cool at all. If he doesn't want to agree to that then he's not committed to the marriage and these other relationships are more important then you.


woohoo! Well said!! And... from a man too! Refreshing! Thanks Mike1 for restoring a little faith in the male species!!


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## Lola86

It is definitely not ok for husbands to chat with stranger online. I am just married for almost 8months now. My parents are against our marriage because he is from a different race. My family disowned me and I left them to marry the man who I love so much. Unfortunately, 2weeks before our wedding, I found out that he been chatting/flirting with a girl online. It broke my heart and until now i still feel so hurt inside. However, he is a changed man now (no more chatting/flirting) but I found out that he been calling a girl he met online and talk for hours (i checked his phone bill). Again, he apologized and said that it wont happen again, and besides I am 3months pregnant now. If i am not pregnant now, i would probably leave him and ask for divorce because I cant stop thinking that he still did all that even though I had left everything just to marry him.

So the conclusion is, it is very unacceptable for husband to chat online with strangers.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

No.
And if he knows that you are hurt by doing it, all the more No.
I'm surprised people even have to ask if this is okay.
It's a common question but in any circumstance the answer is always No.
Not okay.


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## Jellybeans

confused30 said:


> Well, I am not comfortable with him doing this anymore, but he won't stop. His latest conversation with a "friend" was very flirty. I did not like it. And no, I do not trust my husband, he has broken it over and over again, but insists he has changed. When I say broke it, I mean lying about phone numbers from other women, he got a room with another woman, etc.


You answered your own question. It's not ok with you and he continues to do it and won't stop. You don't trust him.

So what are you going to do about it? You can either stay and tolerate a marriage where your husband looks for other women and talks to them knowing full well it hurts you or you can remove yourself from the relationship. 

If any of the women are married, tell their husbands/boyfriends.


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## 2xloser

He "got a room with another woman, etc." and you are worried about him chatting?

Get tested for STD's first & foremost. Then draw a clear and firm line with him: He needs to choose: Your marriage or his sideactivities. Choose you, with boundaries he agrees to and demonstrates with actions & proof, or divorce. 

But you have to mean it, and then be fully prepared to follow up on it when he continues his pattern of breaking his promise over and over again even though he tells you he's changed. He hasn't changed because there are no consequences to his actions. So make some, and plan to be without him because he clearly isn't planning on stopping.


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## rolltidemom86

Well seven days ago my boyfriend caught me flirting online, that being said no i didn't send photos or my number, it was sexually suggestive messages to two guys, so my advice to you is throw the computer out the window, he is probably on fubar,myyearbook, along with yahoo, and aol, which are all leading causes of cheating.....trust me you don't want it to ruin your relationship because it will, luckily for me my boyfriend didn't break up with me and wants to work things out, since that day i deleted my fubar,myyearbook,and gave him my passwords to everything i want to prove to him i won't do it again, ask your husband for his passcodes, no reason to keep them secret if he has nothing to hide....hope i was helpful


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## OhGeesh

You ever seen hall pass that's normally how it works.....lol. you have to side with being conservative on this and not allow it, but I know many married guys that chat, get on match.com, etc just to kill time..........its like emotional porn. With no intention of cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

OhGeesh said:


> You ever seen hall pass that's normally how it works.....lol. you have to side with being conservative on this and not allow it, but I know many married guys that chat, get on match.com, etc just to kill time..........its like emotional porn. With no intention of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you do?


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## PBear

OhGeesh said:


> You ever seen hall pass that's normally how it works.....lol. you have to side with being conservative on this and not allow it, but I know many married guys that chat, get on match.com, etc just to kill time..........its like emotional porn. With no intention of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously? It's the first step for emotional affairs. This coming from a guy whose being involved with that. He's looking for something that he's not getting in the marriage, and chances are good he'll find it. If I was the OP, I'd say take steps to end it ASAP, and address the reasons why. If you deal with it before it becomes something more serious, it will work much better for you both.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snoopy38

I am in the same situation. I got married for 6 months now. I found him cheating with other girl online for years now. He says, she is only a friend for now. I am not able to trust him. We loved each other and got married. Its really hurting that he is doing infidelity. He is saying that he cant forget her anymore but just as a friend. But I cant digest this anymore. I cant leave him and go away. Its making me depressed.


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## PBear

snoopy38 said:


> I am in the same situation. I got married for 6 months now. I found him cheating with other girl online for years now. He says, she is only a friend for now. I am not able to trust him. We loved each other and got married. Its really hurting that he is doing infidelity. He is saying that he cant forget her anymore but just as a friend. But I cant digest this anymore. I cant leave him and go away. Its making me depressed.


You may be best off opening up a new thread, rather than tacking on to one that started 2 years ago. And I'd suggest posting in the infidelity forum.

C


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## Heartbroken19

NO!!! anytime you allow any kind of "friendships" such as these to go on it only invites insecurities and dishonesty into your marriage!!! Cheating is cheating. How would he feel if you decided to have some "friends", i am guessing not so good. I speak from experience in both sides!! i am sorry that you're going through this!! it is very hard and confusing!!


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## soulfinder

How I wish I knew the answer. I think we know the answer maybe but don't know how to deal with it. I found out my husband of 26 years was chatting.....many hours a day, for over a year. So he said. Where does the truth start? Every truth I thus found out was purely based on my investigation...finding out facts etc. that he could not deny. He too said he had stopped but found out that was not so. How terrifying it is to find out and then wonder how much of your life together was not true. I look at our home, our pictures and feel they were now just a farce. He again wants to try and I feel scared not to, and scared to try and get kicked in the heart again. He is now going to AA for drinking - wonder if it will help with his obvious obsession to chat. I recognize the addiction but cannot accept the ease at which he continued to put our relationship at risk. My answer - he has little to no soul. Can he ever get one? I have my doubts. Good luck to all who are in this same journey.


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## cloudwithleggs

OhGeesh said:


> You ever seen hall pass that's normally how it works.....lol. you have to side with being conservative on this and not allow it, but I know many married guys that chat, get on match.com, etc just to kill time..........its like emotional porn. With no intention of cheating.


Are you sure about that i am on a dating site and it is full of male predators that just want sex, get yahoo or messenger is now known as i want cam sex with you. :nono:


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## curiousfreddie

I think that his chatting online with these other women is cheating. I'm a man and I think his other relationships are inappropiate. They have crossed boundries and once you do that you can't go back. Things that are said can't be ereased and can't be unknown. It's disrespecful. He has given those other women the part of him that should be reserved for you ONLY.


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## memyselfandi

First of all..in reply to Jellybeans..I agree with you to a point, but telling the other womans's husband's/boyfriends...it only puts more crap on YOUR plate as they deny it.

Some guys are just plain JERKS (to put it nicely). I was married to one of them and no matter how I tried to say what our counselor wanted me to say in better terms of, "I feel this way or that"...to be honest...how many guys actually react to that??

To get down to brass tacks..since he refuses to quit his so called innocent online flirting....it probably won't stop there...and I hate to say that. Hopefully your husband will be different but if he's already flirting with other women online..they're flirting back...somewhere alone the line his curiousity will get the best of him and he'll be actually meeting up with these women if he isn't already.

You can't keep an eye on him 24/7 and it's tough to set boundaries when there's a computer involved as he can erase anything he does as he gets smarter and works harder to cover his tracks.

The two of you are married..and that means that you should trust each other. He's broken that trust as he refuses to stop flirting with these other women. How are you to know what else he's doing?

It's your choice...put up with it as he refuses to stop...or tell him that you will no longer tolerate it..and file for a legal separation.

Tough as it is...you need to.


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## Snowflake

No way no how chatting is bad . I am here because of WS and his chatting on my year book .Yeah He doesn't know I know where they met but I figured it out .
saying its just friendship is also a lie 

I hate that place .....


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## turnera

confused30 said:


> Well thats the problem, I can't seem to find it within my self to let go of all this pain that has built up in the past five years. I feel like, why should I be the one to do it for him, when he never has done it for me? Its like, every time a new thing pops up, it just opens those wounds. He has screwed me over for the past five years and I'm very bitter about it. I know we need help, well i know that I need help.


 What you need is to love yourself enough to be indignant that he takes you for granted. He knows you won't leave him so he doesn't value you. 

Move out and get on with your life. If he really loves you, he will go through a redemption process and learn to value you. And if he doesn't, then you're better off on your own.


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