# Stuck



## angieb (Aug 14, 2011)

I worry about turning this into a one-sided b*tch fest. I don’t want it to be that, nor do I think anyone’s story is one-sided, including mine.

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. It is his first and my second marriage. (My first marriage was a volatile 3 year disaster – my ex openly cheated on me, there was emotional abuse bordering on physical, lots of threatening and intimidation even once we were no longer together.) We have 4 children together… 9, 11, 13, and 16. We live far away from any family, his or mine.

To say we have drifted apart would be a ridiculous understatement. I don’t, actually, FEEL married. By that I DO NOT mean I have EVER cheated in any way. I mean that I do not feel like I have a partner, but rather an antagonist. We have not had sex in at least two years. We don’t kiss or hold hands. He shows me no affection. There are no compliments. It makes me cry to even type that – like it makes the barrenness and loneliness of what my life has become real. In general, I am just uncomfortable even being around him, in the same room. 90% of the time when we are in the house together I have a knot in my stomach either from him actually being snide or from anticipating that and trying to figure out how to act to not provoke him being that way. I hate weekends because I don’t want to spend any time with him, and if I try to do something myself or work around the house he will invariably decide he has a better use of my time or will belittle whatever I am doing.

When I say it feels like he is an antagonist, I mean that it feels like, instead of us having a relationship that is supportive in our everyday lives with 4 kids and emotionally, he usually makes things harder for me, often intentionally. I deal almost exclusively with the kids’ schedules, school, clubs, shopping, homework, etc. He will occasionally inset himself into something and then he feels he is instantly the authority and that makes things harder for me, who has been juggling all along. It is easier to just take care of things myself and so I do it all.

The man has not washed a dish or an item of clothes or run the vacuum or cleaned anything for as long as I can remember. As a stay at home mom and I did it all. I work now. I still do it all. He used to take care of things outside in the yard, but the kids are older and now he just makes them do those tasks, usually. He takes care of the cars, but never in a timely fashion for mine ( I was without AC – something that took him 10 minutes to fix – for several weeks during record breaking heat this summer. In the meantime he got a flat and had FOUR new tires on his car within 24 hours.) What he does do is complain a LOT about what housekeeping items are not done, what a pig sty the house is, leaves his trash laying around “because it’s already a dump” and yell at the kids to clean while he sits on the sofa. He has one set of rules for himself and a different set for the kids and me.

He is very, very snide and belittling. If I disagree with him, he will shake his head back and forth and mock me in a high pitched voice, implying that is what I sounds like. I have told him probably a hundred times I hate that, but he always does it. If I lose my temper, he just brushes me off as hysterical and irrational. I find myself trying to guess what I should say or do so that he won’t throw verbal barbs or complain. It is exhausting.

He will also give me the silent treatment when I do or say something that displeases him, and in that case he usually is extremely affectionate with the kids (he is usually not so) to set me aside as the shunned one. If he is perturbed with ne of the kids, he will do the same and treat the others nicely in contrast to make the shunned one feel worse.

Like I mentioned, our sex life is completely non-existent. I have found myself wondering if has had affairs at work (he works 30 minutes away and his family and work NEVER mix – I have never met any of his co-workers and he has worked for his company for over 10 years) because I don’t know of any man who would forego sex for that long for any reason. Surprisingly it doesn’t even make me angry or hurt to think about that because I don’t have, really, any feelings for him anymore.

Over 15 years ago. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mom. SO STUPID! I now have limited earning power. We have racked up so much debt from his selfishness in buying whatever he thinks he needs. We could never afford to divorce. I have lost my earning power and could not support my children. He could not on his income, which is very good, pay the debts and the child support that would be ordered. I could not afford on my income, which is very small, afford to take care of myself and my children, or probably even myself. I was an engineer when we met and until I quit my job to move away where he had found a job. He has made himself very successful in his field, but there is no way I could just re-enter my former career.

And so…..I feel stuck. I feel like he is an emotional abuser and very selfish and self-centered. I’m uncomfortable being with him and spend an incredible amount of time trying to anticipate him and head things off. I make many decisions in my life just trying to head off confrontations with him. I never know when he will get snide and mean with me or the kids.

I doubt anyone has any advice for me other than leave, which really doesn’t seem to be an option for me. But thanks for listening.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

angieb - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. What your husband is doing to you, the mental games and put downs, is totally emotional abuse. 

I'm in a bit of the same situation, almost 23 years married with two teenagers, and I feel like my husband is a complete stranger to me. But in my case, it's because of his complete and total apathy to life, his children, his family, basically everything except his computer. There has been no abuse, just a lot of neglect.

I also try to figure out ways to not be in the house at the same time. I plan my days so I have errands to run when I know he will be home, to get me out of the house. I also feel like a single parent while still being married, I do virtually 100% of all parenting, with everything that entails. 

And I also feel stuck financially, because I only work part time (spending the rest of my time raising two kids, one with a sleep disorder that requires her to be mostly home-schooled). Neither of us could keep this house on our own but we'd have a hard time selling with the way the market is, and my husband is the one who carries all of the health benefits through his job. I feel financially stuck too.

So... not much advice, but just a word to let you know that I understand the feeling of not being able to get out of a situation. Are there any refresher courses you could take for your prior career to get you back up to speed so that you could work full time if needed?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to feel you are permanently stuck with this abusive man. Yes, the economy sucks. However, you could start looking for work, even if it's part-time or on a consulting basis. 

You mentioned your husband makes good money. You have a marriage of longevity. And, YES, he would have to pay child support, even if the court orders his wages be garnished. 

You've been put down and treated like crap for so long by this man, that you can't see a way out. Walking on eggshells and anticipating his upcoming outburst is no way to live. You have no life for yourself because you're spending all your time and energy protecting yourself from his onslaughts.

That, in itself, will make you see things as never-changing and hopeless. Nothing stays the same and things are not hopeless. I'd sooner eat canned soup or live in a women's shelter than put up with abuse from a man ever again. And I assure you, I've lived on a shoestring at times and wondered if I was going to make it from month to month. But I don't have to live in dread any longer of mind games and sociopathic rantings.

Please consider contacting an attorney to explore your options. You deserve a life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

angieb said:


> And so…..*I feel stuck. * I feel like he is an emotional abuser and very selfish and self-centered. I’m uncomfortable being with him and spend an incredible amount of time trying to anticipate him and head things off.
> 
> I doubt anyone has any advice for me other than leave, *which really doesn’t seem to be an option for me*. But thanks for listening.


You are only stuck because you choose to be.

If you wanted to leave, you would. Yes, it's hard and "easier said than done" but if prefer to stay because it's more financially convenient while being abused, then that is your decision. 

Your call.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Angie, the behavior you describe -- verbally abusive, antagonistic, blaming, vindictiveness, lack of empathy, self-centered, and inappropriate anger -- are classic traits of both NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline PD). As I understand it, the primary difference between those two sets of traits is that, whereas NPDers are emotionally stable, BPDers are not and therefore tend to alternate between seeing you as "all good" and "all bad" -- and also typically have frequent temper tantrums that are easily triggered in 10 seconds and last for several hours. If you would like to read a brief overview of BPD traits, I suggest you read several of my posts in Blacksmith's thread starting at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403.

Given that you cannot "fix" a man having a PD, and given that you have pretty much decided to leave him, I realize that it may not much matter to you what PD he does or does not have. Yet, because PDs are believed to be caused by genetics, you may be interested in knowing whether he has a PD that could have been passed on to one of your four children. If so, I suggest you read about NPD and BPD to see if those traits ring a bell. If they sound familiar with respect to your H's behavior, I suggest you consult a professional -- for a visit or two at least -- to find out what you are actually dealing with.

I caution that this discussion of PDs is likely irrelevant -- and should be ignored -- if your H's dysfunctional behavior appeared only in recent years. Although you provide an amazing amount of detail about his issues, you do not say when they began. Because a PD starts developing by age 3 or 4 -- and typically starts showing itself by the late-teens -- it is not something that would lie hidden for most of your 17 year marriage. Instead, the traits would start appearing right after the marriage (and, most likely, even earlier, i.e., after the six-month infatuation period ended). At issue, then, is whether he exhibited many red flags early on that you may have ignored. Take care, Angie.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In my house, priority #1 is Don't Rile Her. Avoidance at all costs.


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## angieb (Aug 14, 2011)

Jellybeans....Ouch! My first reaction was defensive, but I guess you are right. I do CHOOSE to say. I choose it because it provides a better life for my kids.

Uptown....that is an interesting analysis. I'm not, actually, sure. His mother is completely NUTS. I don't know her personally, because we have never lived near her and my husband has not spoken to her since 1997 when he decided she had done ENOUGH lying and emotional manipulation of him and he ceased to have any communication with her. He did not witness a "normal" marriage relationship as a child. He has spoken in the past about how little respect he had for his dad when he would "give in" to her naggin and ranting, and I have always kind of chalked things up to that (dysfunctional family model). I kind of think he has come to just not like me much. It is really hard to think back and remember good times, but they were there. We were mostly happy together when my oldest children were small early in our marriage. Of course I met his expectations better then, when life was less complicated.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Without a direct option to get out of this situation, I wonder if you should look at a slower route, which may at least help you build the confidence needed to better handle the decision you need to make. Sure, engineering is likely not an option for now, but you have incredible decision-making capabilities to get through such a program of study. I launched my career sideways, in a sense, because the ability to make decisions allowed me to move up in the current job at the time to the level where I could go back to college and complete my degree.

Maybe entertain just starting small. Something part time to get your feet wet and begin rebuilding a resume. Almost anything will do. Confidence will come. Other, better, part time jobs might begin to be within your grasp in your eyes. Your intellect might just carry you to levels that surprise you. More schooling might then appear feasable, or even having the confidence to move out of that situation.

I know its hard to do with a family, but you can possible dump some of these responsibilities in his lap once a part time job is in the picture. If he won't help, let him do without. Just do what you think you owe him when it comes to taking care of his needs.

Please don't let the situation rob you of the hope you had when you started your career. If it does, then he won. Maybe you can just take little steps, trusting your growing confidence to carry you on.

I wish you the best in this.


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## angieb (Aug 14, 2011)

I am, actually, working full time (for a school, so not in the summer) but I don't make enough money to support a family. I thini it was Jellybeans who said it was my chioce. And I've been thinking about that. Yes, it is a choice to stay. But the options I've given myself to choose from at this point don't include any good ones. That is how it feels.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

So sorry you are where you are. It's miserable to feel trapped by things that are at least somewhat beyond your control. Having said that, how do you know you are so trapped? 

If you pursue a divorce, what is the worst case scenario? You lose your house, you go bankrupt, you get a better job. You seem capable, intelligent and motivated - you'll be fine. If you're willing to lose almost everything (although it doesn't sound like you really have much to lose), it's likely doable. Really though, what's worse ... broke and happy or pretty much broke and miserable? Being miserable, abused, belittled, not respected and taken for granted totally sucks. Broke with the chance to be happy sounds better to me.

You are also dealing in part from a position of ignorance in that assuming you haven't seen a lawyer, you really don't know what the other side actually looks like.

Bottom line:
See a lawyer for a consult - many offer free ones. Bring specific info about the finances because as you know, that will be the sticking point. It's a tough spot to be in but at least find out where you stand so you can make an informed decision.

Then .... make a decision and live with it.

Best wishes to you.


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