# My story... I want divorce... but then I am just another monster.



## so_confused (Nov 20, 2009)

My story is one that is unfair... to everyone involved... 
Today: I am 22 years old. Mother of a 2 year old little girl. I have been married for 3 years. My husband is 31 years old. Before me he was not married and has no other children. My husband is an active duty military member- he has been in for 13 years. The life as a military spouse isn't something I think I completely understood, and the choice to live this way is something that makes me very unhappy. 

I am very unhappy with where my life is. The choices I made to get here were my own. I cannot see a way for everyone to be happy. 

My story starts when I was 14 years old and my family moved. In the new city I lived in I was vulnerable and alone... high school is miserable for everyone- especially the new girl. I fell in love with a 17 year old boy. We dated seriously for 3 years. Just before my 15th birthday I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend had turned 18. We were concerned about statitory rape, along with the bigger concern of what we were going to do trying to raise a child. My boyfriend was enlisted in the military and was going to leave shortly after the summer. We had an abortion. I went through a severe depression. I clung to my boyfriend with everything I had. We tried to make it work the best we could even after he left. It was tough but we were so young and in love we thought we could to anything. 
After two and a half years together and more heartache than either of us could have imagined with the abortion, and seperation with his military service I was raped by a coworker. I shut down emotionally, physically... I broke up with my boyfriend. I didn't tell him I was raped. I told him the unthinkable, that I did not love him anymore- there was nothing further from the truth. But I was damaged goods... I knew I would never be the same. And I never have been. 
In the wake of this my family was going through utter turmoil, my parents were divorcing, my sister was addicted to drugs, and I was trying to hard to keep my head above water... to get out of my mom's house and as far away from all the hurt as I could. 

I met my husband through my boyfriend. He was a recruiter in the same office that my boyfriend was recruited by. 
We saw each other from time to time- matter of fact when my boyfriend left for boot camp he was the one to drive me home from the base while I cried uncontrollably. 

He was a good listener. He made me feel less terrible about the person I was and the things i had done. He was the first person I told my darkest secrets to, and he worshiped me despite it. 
He would say things like I wish I could find an "older you" since my young age should have made me off limits. 
We started dating. Despite leaving my ex-boyfriend he was my first love, and there was always a place for him in my heart. I was going to try to get back together with him when my husband began telling me things about my ex. That he used me, didn't care about me near as much as I thought he had, and that he had bragged about cheating on me and how I had no idea at all. Stupidly I believed him. I couldn't see what was happening, I was being manipulated.... 
With the only love I ever had gone, and in my mind a heartless, spineless cheater our relationship got stronger. 
I clung to him while the turmoil in my life continued. When I was graduating high school I wanted to go away to college. I had a scholarship and could have gone to many different schools. I chose to move to the city where he was to be stationed. We were dating but the relationship went from semi-serious to very serious in the blink of an eye... and the roll of a uhaul truck. I moved in with him in the new city. 
A few months after we had settled into the new city he was deployed. He was gone for 6 months. 
During those months I was sad to have him gone, but it wasn't unbearable. I was young an having fun at school, with my friends, and at work. I had put the past behind me the best I could. Then I cheated. 
I felt terrible, I didn't think I was capable of something like that. I told my husband that I had cheated. I packed my things and was ready to move back to the city my mom lived in. Think about things, and start over. He begged my to stay. Told me he forgave me, and that when he got home from his deployment everything would be better. 
I felt so guilty I couldn't admit that I didn't want to stay. 
A month after he returned from the deployment he proposed to me. I wasn't ready, but after ultimatums it was apparent that yes was the only answer. I felt trapped. But I thought I had time to settle into the idea. Settle into this life. Make myself love him the way he loved me.... 
I got into a car accident shortly before my husband returned... 
I suffered a permanent pinched nerve in my neck. I lost my job. I went through 6 months of physical therapy three times a week to regain use of my neck in a semi- normal way. 
I lost my insurance, I lost my health insurance because I had dropped out of school (due to not being able to continue my classes) and my auto insurance because of the uninsured motorist claim that was pending from the accident. 
I was broke. Alone, and once again my life preserver was there with a brilliant idea. Marriage. We were already engaged, and the wedding was inevitable (in his mind at least) and why not get married now and reap the benafits (since he was in the military, of higher pay, and insurance) and save the money we would have spent on new health and auto insurance for me on a wedding. 
Two months after the makeshift wedding at the courthouse I found out I was pregnant. It was unplanned. I was happy... scared but happy. There was no way I was going through another abortion and at least now I was an adult and a married one at that. A baby made perfect sense. We also bought a house. In the midst of the housing boom we thought what a great investment, and our lives were headed this way... I was 19 years old when I was married. 20 when I had my daughter... and already had more on my shoulders than I ever had planned. 
My daughter was born and when she was 1 month old my husband left for another deployment. He was gone for 7 months this time. 
When he came home my daughter had grown so much.My family still lived hours away and so did his... I stayed alone with my new life and my new baby fighting depression off as much as I could. Eventually caving and taking antidepressents. Two years of antidepressants.... matter of fact and now that the veil has been lifted and I have been off of them for some time now I have realized just what has happend. It isn't fair to anyone involved. But I can't continue pretending like this was something I wanted. 

My husband was home for one year after the deployment immediately after my daughter's birth. 
Then he left again. Another deployment. 6 months this time. 
I was settled into being a single parent. I had the benefits of a spouse but he wasn't here. And when he was things were not great. We were strangers after all... 

He has been home from the last deployment now for 4 months and I knew when he was due back from this last one that I was not happy. I knew that I would be happier if he stayed out there. I appreciate his help with our daughter, and he is an excellent father. And a good man. He is good to me. He doesn't abuse me physically, I feel very maniputed emotionally but I am allowing that. 
I dont want him to come home. 
He is out for a few weeks and the thought of him coming back is making me sick. 

I have put any desire for romantic love aside for a long time. Now I feel ready. I feel like I have finally healed from everything that happened when I was younger and I want to love my husband.. I just can't. I don't love him romantically... It has always been more of a friendship. And something that I let go on for far too long. 

So now I am the monster. Now I am the evil person who destroys my family because I am unhappy. 

He is not happy either but he isn't miserable like I am. 
He says things like this is the first and last time I will be married so if things don't work out I will be alone forever. More ultimatems. 

He is a good man. Why can't I just love him? Why can't I just appreciate what I have. I want more. I long for a connection with someone and have fought that feeling and any opportunities. But I am tired.... I am tired of settling. 

This was not the life I wanted. And I made choices that got me here. That is no one else's fault but mine. But lying through my teeth, faking love, faking intimacy, it is exhausting and I am so tired. 

Is it better to put my daughter through a divorce? Or is it better for her to watch me suffer in silence. She knows I am not happy. Even at 2 she can see it. 
My parents were married for 19 years before they divorced. They were terrble to each other from my recollection.... physical, emotional, abuse.... I have no idea how they could stand it... for our sake! And look how that worked out I am trapped in a loveless marriage that I am a monster if I get out of, and my sister, who nearly died with her drug addictions is a 20 year old unwed mother to a 1 year old who lives with my mother... and takes more from her than I could bear to. 

What do I do?
Someone who doesn't know me... doesn't know him... please tell me what I should do. 

The time line of my life is a goddamn wreck... 
move-love-abortion-depression-love-loss-rape-shame-depression-love?- convincing myself that is what was good for me-cheating-engagement-accident-ultimatums- marriage-pregnancy-beautiful 2 year old little angel- LOST 22 you old little girl.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

I read your entire post with interest, really it is a story that keeps ones attention. I am going to respond with brutal honesty: 
You need to figure out what you want. More importantly, you need to identify your base values and stick to them no matter what. Those values are there- that comes out in your story, but you have to find them for yourself and stick to them. Your age and your story tells me you are still going through alot of the same thing that all adolesents go through- trying to figure out yourself andd your place in the world. 

On one hand you have taken on way too much before you were ready for the responsbility. Have taken on adult responsabilities when you were still a child. 

If it were only you and not him and your child, I would say go do your thing and sew your wild oats. IMO everyone needs to get that out of their system until they reach a point where they come to some stability and a real value system emerges and they become adults. You don't have that luxury. 

Your not a little girl anymore, you are a woman. Stop playing the drama over in your head. This is obviously a well thought through narrative of your adolesence up to this point (starting at 14). 

Forget about all of that. Its gone. All of it. Today is today and you have a beautifull little person and she needs you to be a woman and needs your husband to be a man, and needs both of you to be her parents. 

You have madde the decisions you have made and now as a result people really rely on you for their well-bbeing. Don't let them down. Romance is fleeting, being in love comes and goes with anyone. Commitment is not fleeting, it is forever so long as you choose it to be. Children wonder from one fleeting emotion to the next, acting on each as they come with no real direction until they start connecting the dots, pull themselves together as people, and decide to commit (commit to a spouse, to values, either and both). 

If your husband has the chance to live stateside, he needs to take that and needs to be with you more. Whether or not you 'love' him depends on whether you choose to be open to that or closed to it. Sounds like you are choosing to be closed to it. If you choose to be open to it, don't push it. Just make an effort to not dwell on things in a way that shuts him out. 

This might sound super harsh, but I have to tell you that he probably has cheated as well. We are all human and 6 months or more at a clip is a looong time. That is probably why he was so willing to forgive you. He probably accepts you are as human as he is. 

Cut everything out of the timeline of your life up to the beautifull little angel part. No, it is not easy, but dwelling on it kills everything. Someday you will really want a super-stable long term relationship and if you divorce him now that day will come and your future 'timeline' will look as erratic as your past timeline. Commit now, make that decision and when the time comes when you want that super-stablle long term relationship you will have a loving, understanding, husband and family already there. That will be the day you realize that what you have now is a BLESSING, and in retrospect will wonder why you ever doubted it. 

Consider what you already know your values to be, and how much worse many many other mothers your age have it. You have made some bad choices, but overall some pretty good ones too. Something caused you to make the good ones. Identify and understand what that is and stick to it. 

All in my opinion going purely from what you wrote. 

Good luck and I hope your family health and prosperity!


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## so_confused (Nov 20, 2009)

Thank you for the advice. A clear perspective is one that is hard for me to find without putting an unnecessary secret onto someone I care about. Asking friends and family these questions is not something I can do to them. It simply isn't fair. 

I know the logic behind staying. I know that is the smart thing, the right thing, the moral thing. And despite having those qualities I am also incredibly dissatisfied with the life I have. I am sure someday I will grow up, work past the immaturity of desiring things like romance, and intamicy, and love, in more of a romantic and less or a obligatory sense. I know some day I probably will wake up and look at the situation at present with amazing clarity of my own. As you said, I am afraid to look back and think that I ruined the only stable and good thing in my life, chasing the high of new love.... which we all know never lasts... but I am equally afriad that I will stuff the feelings down as best I can (which in and of itself is near impossible because it is very difficult for me to pretend...) and then still wake up years from now, "grown up" and still just as unhappy. Is it right to keep waiting for myself to be the person I should be? Is there something to be said for marrying to early, too young, with too little a relationship to back it up... how do you go from there? Leaving is something I don't think there would be a good resolution from. That would be the ideal I suppose, a separation for sorts, so I could have some time for myself.. time to evaluate what I want out of a mate, and appreciate my husband for who he is instead of wishing he was someone else. I think that might drive a nail right through the coffin though. It is, as it always has been with my husband all or nothing. This isn't something that I want either all or nothing. 
I am not niaeve enough to think that the fleeting romance is something that continues forever, people change and grow and vowing to love each other for better or worse makes all of that expected almost. Taking a vow that you were not ready to take puts less stock in going against that for me though. I did say the words I did get married.... I was not ready. I still am not ready and to be honest I don't know if I will ever be ready to make a promise like that. 
But I did. I promised something I didn't have. I promised to love someone for the rest of our lives but I had so little time to consider what that meant that as soon as that sunk in it was far too late to turn back. 
Shouldn't I give him the chance to love someone who loves him back, instead of staying because I am afraid of regret, and afraid of being unhappy myself. 
None of it is fair. 
Then again thus is life. 

I am happier when my husband is gone. I like being sinlge, not in the sense that I am dating or anything of the sort, in that i live alone. I do what makes me happy... I have no obligation to anyone aside from my daughter and that I can handle... she is everything to us both, but that is all that seems to be binding us. 
His parents divorced when he was 2. He didn't meet his father until he was near 12- this is a huge void for him, and one that he fights his feelings of unhappiness I think to avoid. 
My parents were married for 19 years before they divorced. They are much kinder to each other now... They hated each other honestly, they were cruel in every sense of the word and stayed for my sister and I. Look at how that turned out. Being a good parent is much different from being a good wife I think. I have no question about being a good mother. It is the wife part that I have started to resent, and feel like an obligation. 

Letting go of the past is something that I have worked long and hard to do honestly. In the past month I have put things to rest that I was unable to. I spoke to my ex, whom I went through the ordeal with and can finally close that chapter to myself. I have told him everything about why I left. I have heard how healing for him went, and can see how happy he is. I would like to be that happy to... 
As for the military, I think in a lot of ways is has preserved our marriage till this point... Ordinarily I think it makes things harder on a couple. But for us, we are not particularly compatible... everything about our personalities clashes I want to be touched, hugged, he doesn't like touching of any kind, makes him uncomfortable, I like being active, going out, exercising, being social, he likes hanging out on the couch playing video games, I can appreciate his desire to be home and a part of normalcy since he is away from it so often, but it is miserable for me. I end up alone, even when he is home often. I do make efforts to stay home and do things he wants to, I am met with a lot of resistance when I want to take our daughter to the park, or go to a movie, or out to dinner (alone), or do something, anything for ourselves.... 
I am a good mother, I take care of my daughter to the best of my ability, and she wants for nothing. I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to get out of the house sometimes and be an adult.... if he was more on the same page perhaps it wouldn't feel like there is such a wedge between us. I think his perception of that is that I am immature and selfish, which I will not deny, but friends and family who have seen me suffer, and seen my deny myself even the simple pleasures of reading a book for myself encourage me to do some things for myself, and to stop being so damn judgemental for myself. When I do that it seems like I am at total odds with my husband. That is not the person he knows. The person he knows hates herself, and since I have been healing, slowly, but surely to stop hating myself my relationships with friends and family have gotten stronger, my relationship with myself has gotten stronger, my relationship with my daughter has gotten stronger and my relationship with my husband has gotten weaker and weaker. 
I do not know if he hadn't been gone for so much of the marriage if we would still be married quite honestly.... Living stateside isn't an option for him, and as much as he knows his career makes things difficult for me I think he knows in his heart that even without that things would be difficult. 
He is up for orders to be here for the next few years in about a year. I have been trying to hold onto that with hopes that that change will give our marriage the kick in the ass it needed... but the pattern seems to work the other way. Things are better, for me at least, when he is gone. I am focused, patient, happy... and when he comes home I resentful, irritable, and anxiety ridden... He simply does not make me happy- if anything he brings out the worst. 
The worst part about it is my daughter suffers most when the general condition of my mood changes. He is the good guy, the even keeled, patient, accepting person... and I am the irrational, annoyed party. Everything just annoys me. Big things, little things.... everything. 
I don't know that I could or would ever find someone better suited to me... I am not always an easy person to get along with- I am very particular about some things, and certainly am no prize. But I do know that my husband is not particularly well suited for me either. 
What am I teaching my daughter by going? That if you are unahppy you just leave, walk out on your word and give up? But what I am teaching her if I stay, sometimes you have to betray your own feelings, and your own wants and needs, and your own heart because it is the right thing... because it is what you said you would do, even if it causes you pain, you are the "good" person who put others feelings first. How long can you survive with your own feelings last? 

I appreciate very much you writing and hope this finds you... You have been more honest than I could have asked for from my loved ones and I hope for you that you have a much healthier, and happier relationship for yourself and your family.


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