# Needy Female Friends



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

I need some advice about the relationship that my OH has with other women. I think sometimes it is just me being too jealous or too unreasonable, and that actually this is the norm.

My OH has several female friends. He always has female friends, if one of them disappears he quickly replaces them with another one.

I have no reason to think that he is having a physical relationship with anyone else. Actually, I have no reason to believe that he is doing anything else such as sending pics, or emailing sexual messages.

HOWEVER, he does talk the 'boy talk' with them. So they email each other with rude offensive things like boys do. And the women discuss their relationship woes with him and who they are going to have sex with next and so forth. 

I find this really hard to handle. He plays down on their relationships. He also plays down on how much contact he is with them. I think he feels needed and important when these women treat him like they NEED him. He sees nothing wrong in this. He claims that they are only friends and why shouldn't he have female friends? I have nothing against him having female friends, I just feel that he gravitates towards a certain 'type', who are very needy and end up looking up to him and possibly thinking of him in a manner that is inappropriate. Because he feels he has done nothing wrong, he says that if anyone ever gave an indication that they were interested in him, he would put a stop to it straight away. I keep telling him that if these women were in a position to make a move, then the friendship is inappropriate. We cannot seem to agree. He has done this all his life, he knows nothing different. I didn't realise this when we first got together as when we are together these women do not feature, they are only in his life when I am not taking up his time.

I need him, but I also refuse to play the 'little needy female'. Is this where I am failing? I cannot be with him 24 hours a day either.

Please help. I always feel him slipping away when he gets a new 'mate'.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

To me, it's inappropriate when in a committed relationship.

I don't know how to stop it though.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

I trust him to behave. I don't trust other women though. In all honesty, the type of women he seems to befriend seem a little bit unstable most of the time. They are also the type who state ' oh I don't have female friends I get on better with men'. Plweeeease!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RainbowGirl said:


> *I trust him to behave. I don't trust other women though*. In all honesty, the type of women he seems to befriend seem a little bit unstable most of the time. They are also the type who state ' oh I don't have female friends I get on better with men'. Plweeeease!


Oh, You think like me lol.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Oh, You think like me lol.


Glad I'm not the only one then!

I actually think he acts differently around them than he does with me. He treats them more 'laddishly'. But then it begs the question...would you act like that with them if I was there? And the answer really is NO. 

So what does that tell me?


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I used to do this.
I call it the "Knight in Shining Armor" and/or "Damsel in Distress" bit.
It makes him feel needed to play the "Dad" or "Big Brother" role. I quit doing it because it IS inappropriate and damaging to my relationship with my wife.
I also have 4 sisters and 4 Sisters-in-Law, so I get to do it enough without finding it outside of family.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

DanF said:


> I used to do this.
> I call it the "Knight in Shining Armor" and/or "Damsel in Distress" bit.
> It makes him feel needed to play the "Dad" or "Big Brother" role. I quit doing it because it IS inappropriate and damaging to my relationship with my wife.
> I also have 4 sisters and 4 Sisters-in-Law, so I get to do it enough without finding it outside of family.


Dan, giving it a name makes it much easier to think about it, thanks!

Can you advice? I don't know what to do!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RainbowGirl said:


> Glad I'm not the only one then!
> 
> I actually think he acts differently around them than he does with me. He treats them more 'laddishly'. But then it begs the question...would you act like that with them if I was there? And the answer really is NO.
> 
> So what does that tell me?


Oh there's where we are different. With my hubs' female friends, he treats them like dudes. lol. It's funny because they act like dudes too, even with their boyfriends.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Oh there's where we are different. With my hubs' female friends, he treats them like dudes. lol. It's funny because they act like dudes too, even with their boyfriends.


oops sorry 'laddishly' means like 'dudes'. It comes from the word 'lads'.

So it is the same for both of us!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RainbowGirl said:


> oops sorry 'laddishly' means like 'dudes'. It comes from the word 'lads'.
> 
> So it is the same for both of us!


Ohhh I read it as "Ladyishly" :scratchhead:

 It's been a long day and daylight savings is screwing with my head!


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

RainbowGirl said:


> Dan, giving it a name makes it much easier to think about it, thanks!
> 
> Can you advice? I don't know what to do!


When I was in IC, my counselor and I talked in depth about this, because this "Damsel in Distress" behavior led to my affair.
She told me that I should never do anything with a woman that I would not do in front of my wife. I should never say, email, or text something that I would not want her to hear or see.
Basically, at first I had to pretend that my wife was beside me anytime I interacted with anyone. I also came to realize that this is a ploy by many women to get men. Not all, but certainly some.
Now, I just do not get close enough to any woman to allow this type of situation to develop.

Co-workers do not have to be friends outside of work.

For an example, I do have one female friend that is also friends with my wife. Before, I was her advice guy and leaning post in a couple of her rocky relationships. I have always loved her as a friend, but no further than that. We have always just "clicked". She is also gorgeous.
I have had (what I now consider) inappropriate conversations with her in regards to some of her relationship situations. I have held her as she cried and *****ed her boyfriends out for disrespecting her.
There was never any sexual or romantic feelings from me, I don't know if she felt anything and don't want to know.
We did have lunch together often and we have been at each other's home alone a number of times.
After I got myself together and the wife and I reconciled, I had to stop rescuing her. I told her and she understood and agreed that we had crossed the line, even though there was never so much as a passionate kiss between us(there were a few pecks on the lips, but that's it). We are still very good friends, she is married and our spouses know everything that has gone on between us.
I have called her about couple's outings a few times, and email her once in a while just to see how everything is going. In fact, sometimes her husband answers my emails, so we are all good now.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I have worked in female dominated industries all my life. Naturally I collected many female friends along the way. Some married, some single all above board.

I have gone out to lunch with these women, I have gone out to dinner when I was on the road in cities where they had relocated to. They are my fb friends.

In 25 years not once has a conversation crossed the line. We have never gone there nor been tempted to. I cherish my relationships with all of them. Some are mentors. Some are like the sisters. Many are quite attractive. I know if I ever tried to cross a boundary they would kick me in the crotch and then drag me by the ear to my wife so she could cut em off.

I think my wife knows this and it is why she has never thrown up any opposition to relationship I have with any of these women.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

Thanks everyone for all the insights, they are very useful.

We all seem to be in agreement. The question is, how can I make HIM see that? What language can I use so that he understands me?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RainbowGirl said:


> What language can I use so that he understands me?


inappropriate
immature
thoughtless
risky
dangerous
borderline infidelity
potential betrayal of intimacy
emotionally hurtful

I get that "slipping away" feeling from my w a lot more frequently than I would like (like today). She thinks this is all OK because it feels great to her and she's her own person and she should be able to do what she wants. But every time it happens, the ship that is our marriage takes on a little more water and loses a little more buoyancy. That's why I let her know in certain terms, like the ones above, that I don't like or approve of this. I can't guarantee this will keep us afloat, but we won't sink due to my silence.


----------



## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

Those words are exactly how I feel.

But how can I approach it? The minute I bring it up his defences go up.

I think he shows a lot of passive aggressive tendencies, I am not sure I am not an analyst.

He also struggles a lot with being corrected. He works in an industry that requires him to be correct and get his facts right, yet he seems to struggle with help on self-improvement (although I find lots of people do and I am not that way so it is difficult for me to understand).


----------

