# HELP! I'm losing my wife, possibly to another



## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

I'm posting this in the general area also, but I belive it really needs to be in this section. 

I’ll apologize now for the length of my marriage crisis. I’m hoping anyone might be able to give advice and recommendations and basically (hopefully) tell me that I’m not crazy. 

My wife and I have been together since August 2003 and this coming June will be our 6 year anniversary. She’s had two very short marriages in the past, the longest being no more than 2 years and I had been previously married for 10 years.

Our current state began (or I was told of her thoughts) in early November 2009. We had just purchased our first home and her parents came to visit for a week. Her birthday was during that time and I thought we were going to each get a small tattoo once her parents left after her birthday. Apparently I didn’t recall the conversation very well because she said that we agreed that we weren’t going to get tattoos. I made a huge mistake and didn’t even get her a birthday card. It was wrong, I know and I regret not doing so. She tells me she’s over that failure. However, after her parents left, she told me that she had looked back at our relationship and doesn’t know what the future holds for us. 

Many people ask(ed) us if we were newlyweds because of the way we acted together. We always liked hearing that and it’s true – we’re silly, playful, holding hands, wrapping our arms around each other – everything that young lovers would do. Until around her birthday.

I have never been great at communicating, especially during arguments and disagreements. I’d rather “fix” the situation and move instead of wasting time hurting each other. After reading many marital communication books and articles, I now understand that I was wrong for basically shutting down during our heated discussions. 

As she told me about the uncertainty of our future, I knew she was going to the West Coast in early December to visit her brother. She had also mentioned, almost in passing, that she was going to visit her “high school girlfriend” who was now living in Colorado. They had apparently caught up through Facebook, which my wife first logged into in September 2009.

We slowly became increasingly distant as she spent many hours on her computer and it seemed like we both were walking on egg-shells. After being told we might not be together by the end of the coming year, I was afraid of doing or saying something that might push her further away. As her trip approached, she clarified that she thought a separation was needed so she could think things through. 

I only heard from her on a few occasions during her trip. She returned and nothing seemed to have changed and she told me very little about her time in Colorado. Anything I learned was a result of me asking her several times only to receive one sentence answers. She returned on a Monday and on that Friday as we were eating out she asked me what I thought of her going back to Colorado because her girlfriend and new friends asked her to come back for a New Year’s party. I was furious and couldn’t believe it. She wasn’t really asking, she was telling me that she was going and I wasn’t invited. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good decision and I was afraid of the unknown of Colorado. Being in the Navy and stationed on a ship, I offered to stay onboard so she could figure things out here at home. She said that she wanted to be able to escape our house where I apparently was creating an unpleasant atmosphere. She wanted to have fun and to think about “us” without being here with me around and all of the reminders of our life together in the house. She also tells me that it’s the holidays and she knows how I hate being onboard the ship, so I should be home. My response was what home will I be in if she’s not here with me? She just doesn’t get it.
I’d say that we grew even further apart after telling me she was going back a second time. That night she spent at least 2+ hours on the phone with someone (she said it was her girlfriend) and has spent increasing time late at night on her computer. We talked further and she told me that a separation is indeed coming. She also told me that I’ve not been fulfilling her sexual desires; Something that I didn’t even know about and now can’t do anything about because she’s “not sexually attracted to me” anymore.

Our sex life has been a rollercoaster. Shortly after getting married, she “felt she wasn’t beautiful” and didn’t want to have sex – an issue that lasted almost 2 years. I was rejected many times during this period and it was extremely hurtful. Apart from this, there were active days and non-active weeks. She’s disturbed because I had never really initiated any activity. I explained that I was hurt from being rejected so many times in the past and that I am extremely attracted to her. She failed to accept my reasoning. She told me that she was no longer sexually attracted to me and that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. She also revealed that she had thought of having an affair for the past year; but that she did not act on it. I was devastated! 

I slowly realized that she was now keeping her cell phone within reach and she was more secretive about being on the computer, turning slightly if I approached to talk to her, closing the screen, etc. I used to kiss her goodnight every night and good morning every morning. I’ve slept in the guest bedroom since Dec 27, the night before she left for CO again. I receive no sign of emotion from her and it’s so hard for me to NOT try to hug her, hold her hand, kiss her. 

I consider the Christmas gifts I received from her to be last minute fillers so she could say she got me something. She was out of the house one day before leaving for her 2nd trip to Colorado and I was placing a card to wish her happy New Year in her luggage. I found a sex card game in her luggage and I was heartbroken. When I mentioned it to her, she said it was a gag gift for her girlfriend and accused me of snooping through her things. I then pieced something else together as I threw out some trash. She never puts the garbage in the garbage can. I always do it for her. Well on Christmas day she put something in the bin. As I threw a bag away I saw a small box that caught my interest. I quickly realized that it wasn’t from ebay because it had her shortened name, not full first name as the recipient. The sender’s info was ripped away. Light bulbs going on, I checked the bag that she threw out and found the sender. It was a guy who she was friends with on Facebook; A guy who commented on one of her pictures that she was super hot. I found the tracking number and discovered which city this guy is from - in Colorado. 

Now I’m actually shaking from fear, anger, and hurt. I asked her about him and she told me that he was her girlfriends brother. I tried looking up her girlfriend and couldn’t find anyone by that name under her high school (all girls school in Hawaii). Basic online search of this guy shows that he’s never lived outside Colorado. She told me that he sent a shirt that my wife bought and forgot there when she came home. Funny thing is that the tracking number indicated that the box was sent the night that she told me she was returning for the New Year’s party. 

After telling her about going through her friends list on Facebook, she made it so only her friends can see her Facebook page. She’s yet to make me a friend on Facebook! I explain how hurtful it is and WRONG that another man is in contact with a wife and can say things like she’s “super hot” and sends her something in the mail. I asked why he sent the supposed shirt instead of her friend and she didn’t know; she said that I send things for her all the time (ebay). She even got upset because I changed passwords on my computer (she could see EVERYTHING of mine) and she accused me of hiding something. I asked if I could see her emails and facebook page and she got defensive. Recently I asked if she wanted to be friends on Facebook and she said that I might see things that her “friends” say and take their comments out of context and she didn’t know what I would do about it (i.e respond directly to them). Again….in what world is it appropriate that somebody sends things that COULD be taken out of context to a married woman? She said a close (married) friend of both of us has written things to her that were sexually innuendo. She doesn’t understand that to me it’s different, we both know him and his wife and I trust him. I don’t know any of the these other guys (however many there are). 

During her second trip, I only heard from her via text messages. I sent her a New Years text at midnight in Colorado and received one back some 36 hours later. I more or less made a last ditch effort, upon her return from that trip by placing her favorite flowers all around her bathroom, kitchen and bedroom. I showed up at the airport with roses and the first thing I heard was, “What are you DOING?” It went downhill from there. 

She tells me that she’s not having an emotional affair and that she was only with the guy I’ve asked about when she was with her girlfriend. I want to believe her, but I just don’t. I’ve suggested that we go to counseling and she refuses. She tells me that I should go for myself if I feel that I need it. She indicated that I would be hurt if we were to be with someone and if she was to say that she was in love with someone else. But yet she says there’s no one else. 

We were supposed to go to Disney this month, but after making those reservations she decided to have the cosmetic surgery that she has wanted for years. She planned out the surgery months ago and she’s now recovering. Of course, I adjusted my vacation time to take care of her. Right before the surgery she told me that she’s going back to Colorado in late March for 2 weeks so she can see if she wants to move there instead of trying to stay in our current state of residence. I want to tell her that if she decide to go again (third time in months) that I don’t want her to come back. It’s so unfair that she’s just running away from US and all that we have. Days later, she also told me that she’s planning on separating and moving to CO for a few months. She’s taking many of her things and I told her that I know she’s not coming back. Her response is that she just doesn’t know. Again, she wants time to think and see if she can make it. I feel as if she’s really saying she wants to see if she can make it FINANCIALLY and possibly make it with “that guy”. Meaning (to me) that I would be financial stability for her if she could tolerate me. 

I visited her in the evening after her surgery and I kissed her head and told her that I love her. She told me that she loved me too – the first time in months. But later she more or less blew it off when I told her about it. I joked that it must’ve been the drugs talking instead of her actual heart – I got no response.

She wasn’t home 5 hours after her surgery and she got on her computer and I peeked over and saw she was chatting with the guy I questioned her about. I saw that he had sent her emails also. We had gone to a car show and she took pics of old cars and texted them to “somebody”. I suspect it was him because I discovered through Google that he’s a mechanic of some sort. I also just discovered that her phone is not only within easy reach for her, but it now has a password so I wouldn’t be able to see text messages or call history if I could get to it. She received a text the day after her surgery and I could barely see that it was ANOTHER guy sending her something from/to Facebook and it was sent to her cellphone. That is just not right and she’s fails to see my point of view. She would go crazy if I was acting like she is right now. In fact, later that day she made reservations for a rental car/van. I’m trying not to talk about our situation so she can heal from her surgery, but I pointed out that its hard for me to be next to her and taking care of her when I suspect she’s making plans to leave me. She insisted that she was looking at rental cars but didn’t explain why. I should’ve pressed her, but again she needs to recuperate from the surgery and without her giving me direct answers I can only assume that "somebody" will be travelling to our state of residence to follow her in another car back to CO. And she doesn’t want to talk about anything because of the surgery, getting ready to depart on her second trip, returning from her second trip, blah, blah, blah. 

She said that she might as well have an affair because I already think she’s having one. I often feel as if she twists things and words to make me feel guilty – which works incredibly well. She doesn’t understand why I’m not sleeping well at night and am now getting by on an average of 4 – 5 hours of sleep a night. She has told me that when I come home from work, she feels trapped in her bedroom where she can be her normal cheerful self. I explained that I’m still thrilled to come home to her until she fails to come out of her room to see me. That’s when I start feeling depressed and get upset. 

She’s told me that I’ve never hurt her or made her feel unappreciated. She mentioned that she’d like to take how I am and put it into the body of someone with more muscles and who is a bit better looking, like the type of guys she “used to date” she said. I explained that I could work out and try to change some of my physical appearances, but that with me she knows my heart is always true and belongs to her. She’d never have to worry about me being tempted and she asked how I could possibly know that. I told her that I unconditionally and willingly gave my heart to her and that while there may be attractive women out there, other women don’t have what she has inside. I thought I had suddenly gotten through to her as she placed her hand on my shoulder, but it was very short lived. She tells me that she questions what she thinks she wants to do every day. She’ll find something and wonder why she’s considering leaving and then something will happen between us and she’ll go back. For example, we went to dinner recently and didn’t have ANYTHING to say to each other. I just don’t know what to say, when I know she’s thinking of leaving and when she seems to be somewhere else while sitting there with me. It was the first time we had nothing to say and it was extremely uncomfortable. 

She tells me to just act normal around her even with all the stress I’m going through with HER deciding our future. I tried to explain that me being myself is being playful, loving, attentive to her; not isolated, alone, with love and emotions being unreciprocated. 

I love my wife dearly and can’t believe that she gets mad and frustrated that I’m fighting to keep her and save our marriage. I told her that if I didn’t care for her or for us then I could just let things happen around me and us. But I do care and want us to be happy together. In December I told her that if she WANTS to go and doesn’t love me anymore, then I have to accept it and let her go. She then said that she just wasn’t sure about what she wanted. I translated this to mean that she was reconsidering a separation. She was also surprised that I picked up a book from the library and began making separation agreements and financial worksheets for legal use. I told her that I didn’t want to hold her back if she’s so anxious to leave me. Again, she said she needs to think things through to make sure she’s making the right decision. It’s so confusing. A few days later she clarified that she never said anything about “reconsideration”. She even asked what I would do if she called me after a few months to say that she wanted to come back. I told her that I would want her to come back, but I don’t know if I could. Would I be able to trust her, would she go to counseling (alone or with me) as I had suggested before, would she change her internet usage (i.e. Facebook), etc. I said that it would take a lot of hard work from both of us and I wasn’t sure she’d want to actually put forth the effort. 

She’s told me that it feels like her only "friends" are in CO now. I said that I can only imagine what they say about me and they supposedly tell her that it's clear that I love her and that I'm hurting. But if that’s true, why doesn’t my wife do anything to make our situation better? It’s so frustrating and confusing!! 

I’m sure that there are details that I’ve forgotten so if any of you should need more info to give an honest answer, please ask me for more clarification, etc. Please give me some insight on what I should do and what your thoughts may be. Do I give her an ultimatum? If she chooses to go back to Colorado for 2 weeks, make it for good? If she moves there shortly after her next visit, is it for good (on my terms)? Am I crazy for thinking she’s having at least an emotional affair? The only two friends that I’ve been able to talk to about this has told me to end the marriage. I just don’t have the heart to do it. I’ve thought about hiring a private detective, but again I can’t find it in me to do so and what would I gain from it? A 6 month separation is required in the state we live in before a divorce will be granted. I’ve called for the lawyer referral service offered by the state but I just couldn’t ask and pay for the referral yet.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are being used. Your wife is and has not been faithful to you for a long time.

Time to hire a divorce lawyer.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Bluntness alert.!!! Get Balls.

I am sorry bud, but you SERIOUSLY are being walked ALL OVER.
Is she really asking you that IF it does not go as expected in CO, could she come back to you? WHAT?!?!?

I do suggest you get to counseling, if "wife" joins you great, but either way, you will need someone to help get this all in perspective and I predict....Let it go.

all the best


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I do have a thought for you and my thought may not be the most popular advise out there. Your marriage absolutely does have the the potential to be saved, and you did make a commitment to her in your marriage vows, so I applaud you for having the courage to not immediately "kick her out" and end the marriage. There will be a LOT of people who suggest that you do that, but I have to say--I suggest doing everything you can to save it first. 

The first thing I'd suggest is to call it what it is. Your wife is having an affair with the guy from Colorado. I'm so sorry, but if you look at the definitions of the words "faithful" and "loyal" you can quickly discern that the definition of being UNFAITHFUL--having an affair--might rather accurately be defined as "acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)." It's pretty clear that's what is happening here, so take a deep breath and call it what it is: AN AFFAIR. 

Next, I would suggest that you do what discovery you can to prove what is or is not going on. You don't have to become commando investigator sneaky here--just gather some evidence that would be reasonable to prove what is or is not happening. Maybe look for an email, chat logs, or record a phone call...anything that you would believe in your good judgment is documentation of the truth. 

Then I would recommend that you go to her directly, knowing your proof but not giving it to her, and ask her specifically to immediately END ALL CONTACT with the other man in Colorado and never, ever contact him again. Ask specifically that she give you access to every email address and account and cell phone and everything to prove she is not in contact and to willingly rebuild the trust her actions have destroyed. If she will not and refuses to do so, I would recommend that you do what I call "disclosure." Think of some people whom YOU respect and think of as your wise counsel, and people whom SHE respects and who are pro-marriage and will help you talk sense to her. These people are often your pastor or minister, her parents or family, your parents or family, and sometimes a boss or employer. Tell them what is going on--and this is not to be a "tattle-tale" but to get some folks to help support you through this difficult time and to get some folks who will wisely tell her to stop this foolish flirting, stop destroying her relationship over a fantasy, and go back home and fix her marriage! Okay? This is like your pro-marriage team.

Finally, may I just make one observation? Are you the one earning the money to pay for her cell phone and internet? if so, stop paying for it. Why should you pay for her to stay in touch with her lover? If he's "so great" let him pay for the cost of being in touch with her. In fact, if you have the strength of character to write in a firm but polite way, you may want to email the other man and just inform him that she is a married woman, aged XX years, you've been living together right up until (date), and that you intend to fight for the marriage. It is entirely conceivable she's told him that she's single or 25 years old or who knows what! But he should know that he is NOT going to get your wife, your possessions, alimony etc. without a fight--and that you are man enough to bring their secret to the light of day. They may be mad if you bring their fun little secret out, and accuse you of this and that, but in truth their actions and their choices brought them to this place and all they have to do to set things right is apologize and end it immediately.


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

Appreciate the responses so far. I fully understand where Michzz and 63Vino are coming from. I've been told the same by the only person I know that I can actually talk to about this. 

The only "problem" with the advice of Affaircare is that I have NO proof and it appears as if I cannot get proof. She has always kept her computer and email accounts locked without me being able to access them. I never had a reason to question this in the past, even though I've given her access to all of mine. The cell phones are under her name and I cannot gain access to any records, bills, etc. 

I realize that I'll probably get a harsh response from this one....she's recovering from surgery still. I do not have it in me to confront her with ultimatum's and a likely heated discussion until she's a bit better. Yes, even though she is more than likely in email contact with her "friend(s)". 

And yes, I earn the money for the household. She's already indicated that she'll leave before I knew it if I were to snoop around anymore (because as she said, if I'm LOOKING for something, I'll find anything in my head will match what I want it to) and I got the feeling she'd leave immediately if I started doing anything like cancelling credit cards, accounts, etc. 

This is so hard and I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep fighting to save us. I feel as if I may be making it worse (more pain and suffering to myself) and only prolonging the inevitable.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hey norm!!
Listen, whether she's having an affair or not It does, very much seem that she is pulling away and hedging her bets (so to speak). She is not in any way responding to your concerns and is even stating that if you look you'll surely find what your seeking. Means to me that its true. (affair).

I know it hurts bud, but maybe start taking care of yourself a bit. Start withdrawing your focus on her and the relationship.
And focus on norm! Hey its relatively easy to find people on the street who will treat you like trash... dont accept that from someone who lives in your house, to whom you have made a pledge to.

The get balls comment meant a few different things. (it didnt necessarily mean kick her A** to the curb, (although I'd personally like to see her there)). 
It does not seem she is interested to address your concerns and is giving every indication that she will go when things are seemingly better for her. She has a history of this.
She is VERY much playing HARD on your "weakness" (excuse the use of that word here) KNOWING that your a good guy, will bend and stretch like a piece of rubber. 
You HAVE to take care of yourself. ( this is also the get balls statement). Start looking beyond the current situation. Start treating her as a separate person NOT part of you. Dont let her play on your desire to make it work. If she does not show signs of caring about you or marriage, you really have to act accordingly. If you stand up for yourself maybe the situation will change but if it doesnt your going to need to see yourself beyond this mess, by yourself.

Funny.. I sometimes think that what draws people together is often the same things which create the separation.

Meaning from an outsiders perspective (ONLY reading your post mind you) that she may have been attached to you for the simple reason that she can control you and your more likely to stay by her side even if she is a lousey wife. Safe choice, but down inside she really wants something different or simply deosnt know what she wants.

You deserve better of course but YOUR the one that needs to see it that way.

With or without her, you need to be more confident.

Good Luck!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Norm,
Wanted to add that I AM a very big advocate of trying to make it work. This does take two. I just dont see her being willing to work it out and is way more likely to simply go.

It seems that she has set some clear boundaries with you (not checking on her, not shutting down cards, etc) But have you set any boundaries with her? (if you leave and go to CO, be sure to take all your things.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Norm said:


> The only "problem" with the advice of Affaircare is that I have NO proof and it appears as if I cannot get proof. She has always kept her computer and email accounts locked without me being able to access them. I never had a reason to question this in the past, even though I've given her access to all of mine. The cell phones are under her name and I cannot gain access to any records, bills, etc.


Norm, if you were to do a Google search for the terms "Catch a cheating spouse" you would find that there are numerous ways to find the proof. Everything from installing keystroke software to hiring a PI while she's in Denver. So I would like to encourage you to be creative and discover a way to prove the truth. 



> ...She's already indicated that she'll leave before I knew it if I were to snoop around anymore (because as she said, if I'm LOOKING for something, I'll find anything in my head will match what I want it to) and I got the feeling she'd leave immediately if I started doing anything like cancelling credit cards, accounts, etc.


Honestly, I'm curious why you would tolerate this in your life. I have an article on my Portland Infidelity Examiner page called "What is an Affair?" and in that article I say (quoting myself here) that ...being UN-faithful--having an affair--might rather accurately be defined as "acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)." This is clearly what is going on here, and she is trying to force you to keep her secret love affair a secret until she can get things "set up." My question to you is this--why are you laying down and accepting being part of a love triangle without even fighting for her? Why are you allowing the two adulterer's to call the shots? Yes, she will be all upset if you bring her dirty little secret to the light of day. Yes, she will make all kinds of threats to try to continue the love affair. She may even very well leave! But by doing nothing you are effectively saying that it's okay with you and she and her lover can walk all over you and you won't put up a fight. 

Norm, I agree with 63Vino. If you are so afraid of your wife and her lover that you won't stand up with courage and conviction for your marriage, it is time to start working on Norm. The very first, number one thing I would suggest would be possibly counseling or self-esteem books to help you grow self-confident and healthy enough to say to her or any other woman who might be in your life, "I will accept nothing less than being treated with respect and dignity in my relationships." Now Norm, I have faith in you. Do the Google search and find some self-respect. You can do this!


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

No kids.

So leave.

Your wife does not have very much inside her that is worth anything, and what little she has is for someone else anyway.

Looks like and easy one. Don't look back.


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

It's been a rough few days trying to deal with all of this. 

Not like it matters much, but reservations were apparently NOT made for a rental car. 

I asked her to reconsider her leaving for CO and she continues to say that she wants to empower herself. The said she's more or less in a rut right now because neither one of us is happy. The only reason I'm unhappy is because SHE'S going to leave. I've tried everything I can do (by myself) to bring us back together. 

She insists that she's not had an EA and "this guy" is her girlfriends half-brother. I asked her to not be friends with any men I don't know and I was asked what if "this guy" lived in a different state and she still went to CO. She doesn't understand that to me, it doesn't matter...it's still another man - NOT ME - who's talking to her. They MAY be friends, but everything she's doing tells me that they are more than that: not opening up her FB to me (to even read thru with her right there), emails, chat, phone/txt. . . 

I don't feel like I can take this much more. She CANNOT leave here until mid/late-March....what do I do?? I could stay on the ship, but this is also my house. I bring home the household income. I want to give her an ultimatum....if you go, don't expect to return, but I can't help but think that there's a chance (however slight at this point) that she MIGHT realize that we do have a good relationship, I don't mistreat her, abuse her, neglect her, I unquestionably love and care for her, I find her extremely beautiful and (used to) tell her all the time, we have a nice home, secure job, sound finances, and even though I have my shortcomings - I'm working on them and I'm NOT a bad guy. She even admits that I treat her very well. 

She is so focused on CO and whatever may be there that she fails to clearly see everything she has in her life right now and that we have it pretty damn good! I don't even know if I asked a question in this posting, I'm just worn out from all of this.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Norm, I forget. How long is she saying she wants to go to CO for?
and Why cant she go before mid-march?


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

Vino, I knew I'd get a response from you and I appreciate it! She can't go before then because she's recovering from a surgery and she want's to go for 2 weeks apparently for job searching, interviews, etc. and then return for about 2 weeks to pack and move (moving company and driving). Right now looking like she may just pack and move and do whatever with her flight arrangements if they've actually been made already. 

Plus she'll be taking either 2 or 3 dogs with her! Leaving me with either 1 or 2. Not kids, but yet they are OUR kids and they know something is not right.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Norm, I'm not following everything. She is moving there? I though this visit was to discover more to see if she wanted to move. It seems to me she is completely already decided to leave you. 
This is torture for you buddy. 
Is she moving there and taking which animals she wants and your just along for the ride? Is she asking you to move with her?


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

Initial intention (that I know of) was for her to go there for 2 weeks to see if she could find a job, etc. Eventually I discovered that she was getting quotes for a moving company to take what she wants so she could apparently live in basement of high school girlfriends place (she hasn't talked to that I know of since around high school until Sept/Oct 2009). 

It's supposed to be a separation, but yes it seems clear to me that she's NOT coming back and I told her that that is how I feel. I cannot go - I'm in the military and was not invited either. I only want 1 dog but she wants me to keep 2. I do feel as if I am just along for the ride at this point. I've tried every recommendation received and she won't even try to meet me 1/4 of the way. She even got upset when I asked her to stop communicating with guy "friends" from facebook/txt. She's xx years old and shouldn't have to "screen" her friends through me - even though I told her it hurts me to know she's in touch with guys (and mostly out of touch with me/us) and that a couple (married especially) doesn't do this. 

I told her that if she wants to go then, I have to just accept it andn let her go. Although I won't be happy about, I'll have bad days, it's not something that I approve of, I certaily don't want this, nor can really accept all of it.

Told her that I can’t force her to stay in our home and that I've probably done too much to try and change her mind which likely has helped force her to want to leave. I don’t want either. I want her to WANT to stay and unfortunately, I'm painfully realizing that that is not going to happen. 

Complete torture. Every minute, every bad dream. I keep wishing I could wake up and everything was at least halfway normal. NEVER would I have imagined this would be happening to us. We weren't perfect - but NO marriage is (right?) but I just can't comprehend being this far from happiness and what was a very loving and promising marriage with my true soul mate.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Well norm, As I said at the beginning of your post. You need to work on norm.
Your a good dedicated man who unfortunately got married to someone who appeared to have the same values but in the end didnt. Things evolve, people evolve and just because its not how we envisioned them, doe not make them bad.

Don't use that word "sould mate". It only creates further pain, victim identity for you and is obviously not true.
Start picking yourself up. If she is absolutely fixed on going and NO chance for recovery. Let her go mentally and start sorting your life as it is NOW. Get her cleared from your life.
Ask her to go now. 

I urge you to get to a counselor and begin to build your self esteem and confidence. You need more confidence norm.

Im afraid you will have to accept this. And you dont feel it now but Im pretty sure it will end up a good thing for you ......


I wish you the best. You see your not alone, This is not unique and everyone survies and thrives once you let it go. The quicker you get there the less you suffer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Norm said:


> And yes, I earn the money for the household. She's already indicated that she'll leave before I knew it if I were to snoop around anymore (because as she said, if I'm LOOKING for something, I'll find anything in my head will match what I want it to) and I got the feeling she'd leave immediately if I started doing anything like cancelling credit cards, accounts, etc.


So...you are bribing her to stay with you?

Come on, time to man up. Shut off the internet. Close down the phones. Tell her you are reassessing how the family's money is spent. You can start them up later. Do NOT allow the affair to take place in your house.

If she only stays for the money, what kind of marriage do you have?


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

Turnera,
I'm confused on where the bribing statment came from...someone had asked who brought home the family income so I responded.....no bribing.

Only affair that could happen at home at this point is EA

UPDATE:
Had minor argument today about our dogs. She wants me to keep two here and I wanted one. My thought is that she's the one making a conscious decition to leave, why should it be "easier" for her by leaving another one here? Plus if I do travel for a short period I'd have 2 dogs to kennel for up to 40 days! Am I wrong in thinking that? I'm not trying to be an a$$...I just don't want to feel TOO walked over. I agreed to keep two but now she says no. She's afraid I wouldn't treat the second dog with the same love as the first. Time for Tylenol.....


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Norm said:


> Turnera,
> I'm confused on where the bribing statment came from...someone had asked who brought home the family income so I responded.....no bribing.
> 
> Only affair that could happen at home at this point is EA
> ...


Norm,
Tell her to get the F**k out, take whatever dogs she wants and leave you alone.
You'll figure it out from there. Arguing about how many dogs? That seems really insignificant in relation to marriage coming to an end.

IS she saying you did something to her through all this? It really seems SO cold. If she is this cold, just help her get out of your life.

Disconnect from her pal. You seem very willing to engage her, in her abuse of you.

stop that.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Sorry if that seemed harsh. Form post one, it "seemed" to me you need to stand up for yourself. I have not seen any glimpse of her caring for you (at least in what I've read).

WHERE IS NORM?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because you said


> And yes, I earn the money for the household. She's already indicated that she'll leave before I knew it if I were to snoop around anymore (because as she said, if I'm LOOKING for something, I'll find anything in my head will match what I want it to) and I got the feeling she'd leave immediately if I started doing anything like cancelling credit cards, accounts, etc.


You're afraid to snoop and you're afraid to confront her, AND you're afraid to cancel her freakin' credit cards, because THEN she'll REALLY leave you!

Come on. If she leaves you because you stop paying her way...


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## Norm (Jan 21, 2010)

The dogs woke me up at around 2:30 this morning so I go downstairs and let them out. I'm heading back to my room (again, we're in separate rooms/beds) and I could swear I hear my wife talking. I pause and yes, she's talking. I knock on the door and I hear the distinct sound of her phone closing up and she "what" or "yeah" or whatever. I open the door and find her laying in bed and I ask if everything is okay. Yes, she says. Oh, I thought I heard you talking. She tells me no and I close the door. 

Knowing I heard her talk I wait a few minutes and hear her again. This time I knock and open the door up and ask her what's going on. "Nothing." Who are you talking to? "It's none of your business." 

None of my business.....I can't believe I controlled myself. I tell her that I think it probably is my business. "Just go back to bed," she tells me, "I don't want to argue about this right now." KEEP IN MIND -the other party is on the phone still!! 

I just close the door and I hear her saying that she's alright and goodbye. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear specifics. 

Go back to bed?? ...no, I'm now very much WIDE awake in so many ways.


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