# I thought I was happy.



## A Bloke (Jan 4, 2018)

Wow. I thought and I hoped I'd never be back on this site again. I can't remember how many years it's been since I was here last... maybe 5 years, maybe 10!

I used to come here looking for answers, looking for advice. We've been married for 20 years and there has ALWAYS been intimacy/sex issues. I love sex and and a lot of foreplay and generally just feeling good with it and letting it release all of the "feel good" endorphins. I'm happy with sex twice a week, but in the last 20 years if I was lucky enough to get it more than once a fortnight it was nothing short of a miracle.

Sex for my wife is - in the shower, get it done quickly. No kissing, very little or no foreplay.
Good sex for me is - slow massage with oil, getting in touch, intimate (i.e. oral) and all sorts of fun positions...you know, just enjoy it. 

Most times when we have sex it's the last priority on her list, many times it's midnight on a Sunday when we usually want to get to sleep before the start of the working week. So of course it becomes a "quickie".
It's also very difficult. Getting her to relax and enjoy it is like trying to open a clam shell with a car key!
Her posture/attitude when I want sex and we have plenty of time on our hands is often cold, mostly repellent.
We have not slept in the same bed for 15 years except for the odd time here and there. We've had kids for 10 years and they've ALWAYS slept in our bed and I never got a good nights sleep. The five years preceding that, it was a dog in the bed. Despite my efforts to get kids and dogs out of my bed and telling her that I want to sleep in the same bed as her, she never seemed to care about my wishes. I just feel like she'd rather not have me in there.

Generally we get along great, we are good friends and almost never have an argument. This is mostly because I've buried my anguish and frustration and tell myself that I am happy in spite of the intimacy issue. It seems the more satisfied she is in our marriage, the less satisfied I am.

I realised after reading countless posts and replies on this forum for many hours that there are no answers. There is no advice that I can use. So I took it upon myself to just head into each day with a great attitude and to give her all the time and space she needed. So, all that extra time and space went into burying herself into her job, which was good for our finances, but the 14 hour days left me lonely. I had to forbid the late finishes when she would stay overnight at a hotel because I too have a full time job and could not do all the housework and take care of two kids under 10 and still put enough energy into my job to be successful.

We've discussed many times how I feel and how she feels with no significant improvement.

Last Friday night we had planned a special night in (because it always has to be planned, spontaneity is out of the question) and she fell asleep on the sofa, which has been her specialty for the last year or so. 
I blew a fuse! I haven't spoken to her in 6 days except to say that "what's to discuss when I don't love you any more?" and now I think she's waiting for ME to come and apologise.

I don't know what the next step is. I'm miserable in marriage but even though I'd miss her terribly if we separated (which I suggested a few months ago) I think I'd be happier if I didn't have to live with her which would also remove any expectation I have about what our marriage should be like. 
I love my children dearly and couldn't imagine having to be away from them for more than a day. I also want them to have two parents that are good role models.
I have considered the suggestion that she can look for someone else if she wants to, but I don't know it would work. I don't want her anymore, but I am not looking for another partner and I probably never will. I'd rather be alone.

I've poured my heart out here now. I'm not looking for answers...there are none, I know.
I suppose I just have to discuss the options with her now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know what the next step is.

Are you bold enough to take it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your user name used to be Uglee70 ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling? Is that an option?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would get some good long term marriage counselling. 
I am pretty concerned that 10 year old children are still sharing their parents bed. How is that appropriate??


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry, but after this many years of marital unhappiness I’d be inclined to throw in the towel. You’re pretty much just roommates, and you have to realize that you are a complete sexual mismatch.

Counseling wouldn’t hurt, although I don’t think it will ever be the kind of relationship you really crave.

Only you can determine if you want to continue to just settle or end the marriage.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

The problem is your hanging on or being clingly. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way about you. She is putting up a good front around you but in reality she feels the same way. I've read plenty of books on marriage to know that trying harder only creates distance when marriages are on the rocks. You may feel to pursue harder, tell her you love her, plan more times together, etc only to go no where. But the brighter side is you can turn this around. Stop!!!! Yes stop!!!! Stop pursuing her. Create distance, no text, no calls, aviod her until she notice. Do this in a positive way not in a vengeful way. Do this until she comfronts you about it. Be polite, respectful, kind and just agree with her. But don't stop there keep it up until you really and I mean really get her attention. You want to create enough distance to the point where re-connecting is more safe and you can feel like you are reconnecting again. Give it a few weeks until she notice just dont say atuff like "well I've been this way cause of xyz" just put up a good act just act everything is fine. What you don't want is a fustrated spouse. Now if that happens have a back up plan. Make an excuse like "I haven't felt good lately xyz" I'm saying this if she gets furious about the distance what you want is a curious, emotional wife that might wonder whats up? This is what you are aiming for then you can proceed form there to reconnect. What you want is results just try to balance this out in a productive way. For the next few weeks do this, no I love you's, do not pursue, no calls or text only if necessary, just show her you love her like doing stuff around the house, doing something nice but twice a week just enough to keep her off balance.Keep up the distance, very little talk etc wait!!!just wait until she confronts then just wait until she confronts again. You want a spouse that just had a reality check and may be tuned in on making a marriage work thats your goal.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're a talker not a doer so unless you change that you'll be signing the same tune 5 years from now.

Only you are keeping yourself in this situation.


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