# Having second thoughts frequently



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

It's been 3 1/2 months since I filed and things are moving along but I'm still living at home. Plan to move by the end of next June. Now that it's closer to an end, I find myself feeling really regretfull almost daily now, wondering if it's really worth what it's going to end up being. Wondering if my home life is really so bad that I'm willing to divorce, write her checks the rest of her life, watch her get our house, have our kids most of the time..... Give up everything I've worked so hard for. I have my house looking so nice on the outside with all the yard care and planting I've done....I maintain it and keep it up. She'll let it all go if I move out. I'll be in a rental, no property ownership.

I don't know what to do now. I keep thinking if I just stay then I get to stay with my kids and keep control of ALL of my money (she doesn't work).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Still not working, eh?

Is she doing anything differently?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

No. Nothing. She's more willing to go through a divorce she doesn't want than to do anything she doesn't want to do, like get a job or work on our marriage. It's really sad.

I just feel like I'm walking away from everything I've worked for to let her go on living her comfortable life. All at my expense. I'm giving up everything and she's giving up nothing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> No. Nothing. She's more willing to go through a divorce she doesn't want than to do anything she doesn't want to do, like get a job or work on our marriage. It's really sad.
> 
> I just feel like I'm walking away from everything I've worked for to let her go on living her comfortable life. All at my expense. I'm giving up everything and she's giving up nothing.


Do you have any idea what the settlement will contain?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Still focused on her I see.

What about what you want?

Yes in a perfect world she'd morph into a good wife but if she hasn't done it in 20 years she's not going to do it now.

Btw she stopped putting forth effort because she senses your weakness.

She knows you aren't going anywhere therefore she doesn't have to DO anything.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Do you have any idea what the settlement will contain?


Not specifically. In their only reply it said things like an "unequal distribution of assets", life insurance with her as beneficary, etc. Standard stuff. Still waiting on their settlement offer to come back. But from everything I've read, heard, and discussed with lawyers...she's gonna come out good. 21 year marriage, hasn't worked in 15 years, blah blah.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Still focused on her I see.
> 
> What about what you want?
> 
> ...


Not sure how you come to that conclusion. She has no idea I'm questioning my decision. And I would venture to say most couples that get divorced question their decision until it's done and over with. I told her I'm moving next month. I filed for the divorce. She's had to hire a lawyer. How do you figure she thinks I'm not going anywhere?

She didn't "stop trying"....she never started.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I would venture to say most couples that get divorced question their decision until it's done and over with.


Since the title of your thread is "having second doubts" I'll address this and disregard everything else I said.

I'd like to argue that "most" couple don't question their decision. Everyone I've ever known in real life to get divorced (and there are many) was quite sure when they made this decision.

So do you want the divorce or don't you?

Or are you just talking out loud?


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## BrokenM (May 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Since the title of your thread is "having second doubts" I'll address this and disregard everything else I said.
> 
> I'd like to argue that "most" couple don't question their decision. Everyone I've ever known in real life to get divorced (and there are many) was quite sure when they made this decision.
> 
> ...


And I would argue a counter point - every couple prior to actually pulling the trigger will initially question their thoughts and decision on the divorce. It is inevitable. What does change however is the length of deliberation and concern over the decision.

The OP was married for ~20 years, perhaps it takes months or years to finally agree to yourself you've made the right decision. I've been married 2 years, I questioned my decision for a night, felt sad for a night, and then decided to move on the third night.

Everyone is wired differently, everyone needs a sounding board.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

BrokenM said:


> And I would argue a counter point - every couple prior to actually pulling the trigger will initially question their thoughts and decision on the divorce. It is inevitable. What does change however is the length of deliberation and concern over the decision.
> 
> The OP was married for ~20 years, perhaps it takes months or years to finally agree to yourself you've made the right decision. I've been married 2 years, I questioned my decision for a night, felt sad for a night, and then decided to move on the third night.
> 
> Everyone is wired differently, everyone needs a sounding board.


It's a rollercoaster for sure, isn't it BrokenM? I agree with you...it takes a long time to feel "right" about the decision.  Unless you're in an abusive relationship or something. But in my case we were the classic marriage. No outward signs of problems, no abuse on either side, etc.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

so sad, seems like the issues are minor. No wonder your having doubt, so her getting a job and putting more into the marriage would be enough to save it?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Thumper said:


> so sad, seems like the issues are minor. No wonder your having doubt, so her getting a job and putting more into the marriage would be enough to save it?


The number one issue is lack of sex for years. She's just not interested and hasn't been since we had kids. I could live with all the other issues but that one's non-negotiable in my book. But yes, it's so simple to fix. She could stop it all any day if she'd just focus on us instead of herself.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> The number one issue is lack of sex for years. She's just not interested and hasn't been since we had kids. I could live with all the other issues but that one's non-negotiable in my book. But yes, it's so simple to fix. She could stop it all any day if she'd just focus on us instead of herself.


Am I understanding you right that you're getting a divorce because of no sex? You're willing to lose everything youve worked hard for because of a lack of sex...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't think a marriage can last if there's no sex or very, very little and one partner feels neglected and rejected.

His wife does not seem to put any energy into anything.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Peeps678 said:


> Am I understanding you right that you're getting a divorce because of no sex? You're willing to lose everything youve worked hard for because of a lack of sex...


No that's not the only reason but the main one. Staystrong is right. My stbx puts no effort into anything.

That said...you think one spouse arbitrarily deciding they don't want or need sex anymore is not a reason for divorce?


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## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

Peeps678 said:


> Am I understanding you right that you're getting a divorce because of no sex? You're willing to lose everything youve worked hard for because of a lack of sex...


Lack of sex doesn't just mean you have a physically unhappy partner. If there is no sex, they lack that closeness that is a must in a marriage, and if she is completely denying him this, it is not just that he will end up physically frustrated, but rejected, hurt, and resentful I'm sure. The emotions go way beyond that, too. Its not like he wants to watch porn all day and he is divorcing so he can do that. Sex is an absolute necessity in a good marriage, for more reasons that physical satisfaction.


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## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Since the title of your thread is "having second doubts" I'll address this and disregard everything else I said.
> 
> I'd like to argue that "most" couple don't question their decision. Everyone I've ever known in real life to get divorced (and there are many) was quite sure when they made this decision.
> 
> ...



Wow, "most" couples don't question their decision? I HIGHLY doubt that. I'd say "most" DO question their decision. Just a small indication is that many, many posts on this site are people not sure what to do.


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