# question for those women who were in a long term relationship and told...



## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

this question is for those women who have ever been in a long term relationship with a man and were told by their boyfriend to 'wait' , 'be patient', 'hang in there' 'maybe next year ill be ready' (and the next year comes and boyfriend repeats line 'maybe next year') etc. My question is for those of you who experienced this, did you end up actually married, or burned, or ??
im asking bc I am in a ltr w/ my boyfriend...recently he was hospitalized which brought up the issue of marriage (see my other thread)...there have been times he has on his own brought up the subject of marriage in a positive way without any prompting from me, which of course made me feel he was thinking about me and him and future marriage..but then other times he will say 'maybe next year...' or 'im just not ready'...even the extreme 'i dont know if I ever can marry, anyone, period"-- leaving me completely confused and at a loss to what his real intentions are (or if he is even sure what his intent is...)

This recent thing with him being in hospital really brought it up in a very painful way, by an insensitive nurse, it highlighted the fact that as a girlfriend I don't count, and was a kind of wake up call to me, what are we doing here?

that is why I would like to hear from those of you who were ever in this type of situation and how it actually resolved? by the man actually following through on the 'next year' stance and marrying you, or... were you just strung along and then left high and dry, or ??

thanks for any input, I am just trying to figure out at this fork in the road what to do...I love him very much, but the idea of being a permanent girlfriend is not what I want, it will cause me alot of grief. When I tried to visit him during off hours, the nurse told me since I was 'only' his girlfriend I couldnt, but if I was his wife, that would be fine

since this happened I became really depressed overnight, I feel like I am walking around with a sign on my forehead "invalid' or "only a girlfriend"--

this is such an important point in the relationship that I really appreciate your shared experiences and any input...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was in a couple of those relationships. One for 4 years, one for 3.

Didn't marry either of them and they aren't married to this day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Laels--it's clear you want to be married and he doesn't (yet or maybe ever).

You should sit him down and ask him "Where do you see this relationshp going."

That answer will be very telling. If he continues to put off marriage and it's what you want, to be married, then you need to either accept your relationship with him as-is or remove yourself from it altogether.

If you live with him--in the future, you may want to re-think moving in with a man if you aren't 100% sure where the relationship is going.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

laelsmom ~ I was reading some of your previous posts. Is this the same boyfriend who would check on his ex to make certain she was ok?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

How long has he been giving you the "next year" line? 

Personally, I'm of the opinion that within...I'd say 2 years, you/he should really know whether or not you/he wants to get married. If it's been longer than that, and he's still giving you excuses, and especially if those excuses keep changing, that would tell me that he either has no interest in marrying you or marrying at all. 

I'd sit down and just tell him honestly that you want marriage, and you want an honest answer from him as to whether or not that will ever happen. If he still says he's not sure, I would take that to mean that he doesn't want to marry you and either he's lying to you to spare your feelings or he's lying to himself.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

to 'that girl'-- since you were actually in this situation, can you give more details, as to the content of what they told you, and how it resolved? (Did you break it off when you realized they werent serious? or what happened, etc)

whats confusing is that he has mentioned it on his own, several times, in a very positive way...it shows he has thought about it, but then goes back and forth. If he had consistently said he doesnt want to, I would have broke it off a while ago


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

hi Wendy,


in answer to your question he said it last year, but that is not the whole story
in a nutshell he has told me a mix of things--
after we were only together a couple months one night when we were out he spontaneously made a reference to where he would want to go on our honeymoon..it came from his heart, w/ no prompting from me whatsoever..

at another time we were walking along one afternoon, enjoying the day together, and he took my hand and said "you know, I think when we get hitched, I would want 'tom' to be my best man"

he made a couple other similar type comments that of course, what else, made me think he had it on his mind and had some intent of it

however, mixed in with that, was a time last year when he said he might be ready to get married 'next year'--
he also said on another occasion, he doesnt know if he can ever marry anyone, period, because "people dont take it serious and end up divorced"

then he said "but gay people are fighting for the right of it, so it does have good points"

very recently in teh hospital, when the issue got brought up, he said he might be ready 'next year, or two years' :scratchhead:

I should add that I dont want to make a decision suddenly, out of pure emotion...being told I didnt count since im just a girlfriend caused me alot of pain that he isnt even aware of...when i went to visit him yesterday I felt like I had to fight back my emotions and was on the verge of breaking down and crying and saying 'do you love me or not?' but I didnt do that, I just fought back my emotions, but I wasnt my usual self..not sure if he noticed it or not. My concern is my emotions will overwhelm me and I will just tell him 'just forget it, you dont love me anyways,' and break it off..i dont think its good to make life altering decisions out of emotion, yet how can I not be (emotional)....I dont think anyone would like hearing they do not count...
its worsened by the fact that the day before the nurse told me that, my bf told me how Im the only one who has his back all the time, nobody else has visited him everyday, and that my love and support has helped him alot...even another patient said 'your the person he's closest to'....yet it all seems to be in a way, for nothing, if I am 'just' a girlfriend...I guess I shouldnt say for nothing, because love always has its own value in its own right, but you know what Im saying...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

laelsmom said:


> whats confusing is that he has mentioned it on his own, several times, in a very positive way...it shows he has thought about it,* but then goes back and forth. *


That, to me, says it all.

You two are not on the same page. You want to get married and he said he "MIGHT BE" ready in a year or two. There is no guarantee w/ him.

I think you know this but you're trying to talk yourself into believing he wants something that he doesn't (getting married now).


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

Jellybeans,

thanks for your replies...really, truth be told, its not crucial to me that we get married 'right now'...really, I just want to know if he plans to marry me,period, for real, in the future...because of his changing stance on it, I dont even know to begin with if that will end up happening..not knowing is worse to me than being told 'never', at least a consistent 'never' I can decide what to do with it...how can I decide whether to stay with the person I love so much, when I dont even know what he plans


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I'd say let him leave the hospital so that you also have a little time and not act out of pure emotion. Than sit him down and let him know you'd like the two of you to get married.

we've been together for almost 9 years and still didn't get married, because I WAS the immature one. Still, I'm more willing to make this step so I'm letting my man know this time I'm really ready and we can go to the next step. But this talk should be had when the two of you are home and you are not this emotional. It needs to be a calm loving chat


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

laelsmom said:


> I just want to know if he plans to marry me,period, for real, in the future...because of his changing stance on it, I dont even know to begin with if that will end up happening.


Then you need to sit him down and ask him. 

If he waffles, you have your answer.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

"Maybe next year I'll be ready" means he's content with the relationship as it is. This is the risk you take when you move in with someone. Many times they see no point to get married once they have you in their house and in their bed. Only you can decide WHEN it's a dealbreaker. Set your own timeline and don't worry about his. You don't want to pressure him into marriage because down the road it will haunt you. You are going to want the proposal, the desire, all of it and you deserve it. Don't settle.

Make your own plans. For me I'd probably say to myself something like if he hasn't proposed in a year I'm leaving. End of story.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

just wanted to clarify something-- for what its worth, me and him have never lived together,..although we spend just about every day together


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I would suggest not moving in with him until you know where your relationship is headed w/ him and you are both ok with that decision.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Both of my boyfriends said they'd get married when [fill in the blank with whatever excuse you can think of].

The first one was a live-in boyfriend...we had a child together and he still didn't want to get married "yet". It wasn't until the night I left that he said he'd marry me. Yea. Romantic. 

The 2nd boyfriend was when I was older (7 years later than the other) and he went back and forth (after 2 years of dating) and didn't know (he was in his 40s). He wasn't sure but then said he didn't want to lose me.

I waited until the 3 year mark and brought it up again. He said once he gets a good job....

Sorry...no dice.

lol.

My husband and I decided to get married one morning. Just decided. We had a baby and were living together and didn't want to get married, then one day we did. 

Granted, we are living separately at the moment but I feel things are healing in their own time.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> hi Wendy,
> 
> 
> in answer to your question he said it last year, but that is not the whole story
> ...


I do think...how to say this...ok, if this sounds like I'm belittling your feelings, keep in mind that is not my intention, I just can't think of a better way to phrase this: I think you are the one that is relegating yourself to "just" a girlfriend. You're taking this one instance where marriage would have been a benefit, and using it to completely negate your importance in any aspect of his life. 

That's not to say that you're wrong to want marriage. Or to expect him to be willing to make that commitment to you. But I do think that at this moment, it's kind of one of those wanting what you can't have kind of things: because it would have been helpful right now, and because you don't want him to do it right at this moment, you want it more. 

After he gets out of the hospital, give everything a few weeks to settle down. Then sit down and have that conversation with him to find out where things are going. Explain to him what you explained to us: that you don't necessarily want it right now, but you do want it eventually and you need to know if "eventually" is going to happen with him or not. 

I would also, in your own mind and heart, set a deadline. That if he hasn't moved toward marriage in 6 months, a year, 2 years, whatever deadline you want to set, that you will leave. Otherwise, you're likely to be coming on here when you're 80 asking if he'll ever commit, and you don't want to waste your life like that.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

jellybeans,

lately i have been struggling with that, (moving in idea) he wants to live together, but with no firm promise for a future together..he made a comment about how it would be good to kind of 'try things out' to see, how it would work for us, that way (in his mind) if we ended up having a fight, or some type of problem, it would be easy to bail out. That is a disturbing way to look at a relationship imo..the whole point is problems will come up, there will be fights sometimes, if you have a commitment to each other, you work things out, you dont jump ship


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Greeneyed. 

Legally, the nurse was correct: if you aren't the spouse or family member, you aren't allowed back there at the hospital. It's the law and the nurse was abiding by it. 

It seems Laels has the much bigger problem with not being married or getting married of the two (Laels & boyf). It seems to be your insecurity about not being married so you took the nurses' comments to heart. And not only that, but you want to get married and he's not telling you what you want to hear.

That is what it comes down to at the end of the day. A difference of what they both want.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

laelsmom said:


> jellybeans,
> 
> lately i have been struggling with that, (moving in idea)* he wants to live together, but with no firm promise for a future together..he made a comment about how it would be good to kind of 'try things out' to see, how it would work for us, that way (in his mind) if we ended up having a fight, or some type of problem, it would be easy to bail out*. That is a disturbing way to look at a relationship imo..the whole point is problems will come up, there will be fights sometimes, if you have a commitment to each other, you work things out, you dont jump ship


And there it is. 

Do not move in with him. He doesn't want what you want. You want a committment via marriage. He wants to "see how things go." If you already feel that strongly that he will just "jump ship" should a problem arise, then living with him is the last thing that should be on your mind. 

I never ever had any intention of getting married. Was never on my Life's List of things to do (oh sure, I thought it'd be cool but it wasn't a dream of mine). I met my now-ex husband (as of 4 months) and he laid it on THICK from the beginning about hwo serious he was, that he wanted us to get married some day, that we should move in together yesterday. I told him, thinking he wasn't being serious, "I would never live with anyone if I am not at least engaged to be married to them." 

Well, he proposed to me. 

My point is: A man who wants to marry you will do so and will make it crystal clear what his intentions are. The fact this guy isn't answering you 100% in the affirmative and says he wants to play house to "try things out/see how it goes" tells you everything you need to know.

Now, with that said, he could make a great life partner. Not everyone wants to get married.

Thing is, you need to decide whether you want to be married or not. if you value being married/having a marriage over your relationship with him, then you should probably let him go. Cause it's not fair for either of you to stay in this limbo. You'd be lying to yourself if you lived with him and said you weren't wanting to get married some day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my husband and I moved in together (1.5 years before we got married), we had Power of Attorney (financial and medical) papers drawn up and notorized. We also had living wills created (and legalized).

It helped when I had some medical issues. He wasn't my husband but he had my medical power of attorney.

This was for us because we weren't planning on getting married and this was good enough for us (until we just decided to get married).

Think about what you want. Think about why you want it. Think about what he wants and doesn't want and why he wants those things.


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## drifting2011 (Jul 31, 2011)

laelsmom said:


> this question is for those women who have ever been in a long term relationship with a man and were told by their boyfriend to 'wait' , 'be patient', 'hang in there' 'maybe next year ill be ready' (and the next year comes and boyfriend repeats line 'maybe next year') etc. My question is for those of you who experienced this, did you end up actually married, or burned, or ??
> im asking bc I am in a ltr w/ my boyfriend...recently he was hospitalized which brought up the issue of marriage (see my other thread)...there have been times he has on his own brought up the subject of marriage in a positive way without any prompting from me, which of course made me feel he was thinking about me and him and future marriage..but then other times he will say 'maybe next year...' or 'im just not ready'...even the extreme 'i dont know if I ever can marry, anyone, period"-- leaving me completely confused and at a loss to what his real intentions are (or if he is even sure what his intent is...)
> 
> This recent thing with him being in hospital really brought it up in a very painful way, by an insensitive nurse, it highlighted the fact that as a girlfriend I don't count, and was a kind of wake up call to me, what are we doing here?
> ...


Stay away from this type of guys. I wasted 5 years on one. They only think about themselves.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

From what I have seen in my life with friends, when a man says he is not ready to marry and he and he is financially stable, it is code for he does not want to commit to the one he is with. Something is missing in the relationship that makes him pause. The relationship can persist if the women makes no demands for a commitment. 

I've known more than one man who has ended one relationship and get engaged in less than a year. 

It is possible that he can commit but not to you unfortunately. I would not waste any more time giving this man much more than he gives you. Tell he you are ready for marriage and you are leaving him to find a man who will cherish you. If he wants to marry you he will come up with a ring and a date. If not he will let you go. 

Don't stay you are may end up spending the next 5 yrs waiting only to end up where you are now. Time to pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Laelsmom ~ I asked about the previous posts you have made because I too have dated someone who fully admits to, as well has sought counseling for his fears of marriage. Some of these individuals want and express ideas of being married (especially in beginning of the relationship). However, they just cannot get beyond their fears. The fear becomes the greater emotion. 

The gentleman I dated has never been married. At 50 yrs old (and still quite attractive), he may never be able to conquer his fears. Although he wants a monogamous relationship with a woman, he unconsciously desires limits on it. He emotionally withdraws and just kind of becomes blank, not nasty or mean or anything like that. Interestingly enough, he struggles with letting a woman go also. He doesn’t want to lose her, but he doesn’t want to completely keep her either. 

Hope all this makes sense.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> From what I have seen in my life with friends, when a man says he is not ready to marry and he and he is financially stable, it is code for he does not want to commit to the one he is with. Something is missing in the relationship that makes him pause. The relationship can persist if the women makes no demands for a commitment.
> 
> I've known more than one man who has ended one relationship and get engaged in less than a year.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%

You are afraid he will never want to marry you, better to find out now and move on then be told later.

If a man really loves you and is committed he will want to marry you.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

alicechen,
i dont mean to seem dense, but when you say the answer to 'that' question, what question specifically were you referring to?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So this might be a silly question, and I'm not really condoning it... But how many people have been asked for proof that you're married or have the right tone there in situations like that? In my 17 year marriage, I've never been asked for ID even when visiting in the hospital.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

Toto,

thanks for your reply, and yes he is the same man from previous posts...i can relate to alot of what your saying- he seems afraid to lose me, but afraid to fully commit too. 

I feel like Im being pushed closer towards the possibility of breaking things off with him soon, even in next few days which is making me sick literally, but at the same time, sometimes it feels too hurtful to be with someone who on the one hand tells me how I am the most loyal person in his life and how much he loves me, but then on the other hand cant seem to give me a straight answer about our future....it was ironic because yesterday he mentioned how this doctor there strings him along and has told him a few times he was gonna be discharged and the next morning said 'well, lets wait til tomorrow',..when the following day came he again said 'maybe tomorrow or in the next couple days" I couldnt help but notice the comparison, so I pointed out to him "that's what you do to me..." he said "what do you mean?" and I said "well, you tell me maybe next year, last year, and now it is next year, and you tell me maybe next year"....he was quiet and said 'huh....' 

im just getting really tired, really fast, of him not giving me a straight and consistent answer...i think he even understands and appreciates anyone deserves that-- on a much smaller scale, with his doctor, he was mildly irritated feeling he was stringing him along-- of course that is a totally diferent situation but the point is, even HE can understand how its not right to string someone along-- I was hoping when I pointed out to him 'hey, thats what you do to me...' a light would turn on in his head...he couldnt argue with it, but all he said was 'huh....'--

if such a small thing as a doctor changing the discharge date a couple times bothers him, i was hoping he could see how much more it would hurt me, for him to keep changing and waffling around on our future marriage

maybe I should ask him if he that doctor is related to him, they both have that same gene that makes it so they cant give someone a straight answer--


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Depends on age too. My eldest is 26, has had two long term relationships in the past 6 years. The first ended because she was a cheating mental case and the current I think likes him a lot more than he likes her. She's probably going to tell him to jump or leave soon and he's not going to marry her. Not at age 26. Too many other things to do first.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

PBear said:


> So this might be a silly question, and I'm not really condoning it... But how many people have been asked for proof that you're married or have the right tone there in situations like that? In my 17 year marriage, I've never been asked for ID even when visiting in the hospital.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the question is asked more frequently since HIPPA has been implemented. The privacy guidelines are so strict now that total access and information are pretty carefully restricted to immediate family members. I don't know that ID/proof has ever been or is generally requested. In my experience, it's been sufficient that the spouse is named on the paperwork and then generally recognized and introduced as such. You know, "oh are you Mrs. So-and-So? Great, we'll take you to Recovery now." 

My now-husband had to have some fairly major surgery a few months before we were married and I was his "spouse" for all intents and purposes for that procedure. However, I already knew the surgeon since I'd been to all of the pre-surgical consults. I also held his Medical and Durable Powers of Attorney and so had there been any complications, I would have been the responsible party just as a spouse would have otherwise been. But we just said I was his fiancee and let them know that I was the legal designee and there wasn't any problem. No one has ever "carded" my husband for any of my procedures either, just asked if he was COGypsy's husband and then said to come on back....

There is a new trend in some hospitals requiring identification for all who enter though. A couple of years ago I worked at a children's hospital and they required everyone....everyone in the building to have identification badges. Staff, patients, visitors....everyone. For adults, ID's are even scanned at a very general against criminal and sex offender databases. It was (kind of) funny actually. One night a father for one of the eating disorder groups in our building was denied access for something like half an hour because he had the same name as someone on the sex offender registry. It was annoying, but having a teenage daughter on inpatient, he didn't mind too much. Too much, lol. But that's a very different setting with very different security concerns that the vast majority of hospitals.

Probably more information than you wanted, huh?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, not more than I wanted, no...  But it does answer some questions. Basically in your situations, if you go in there and both you and your SO agree that you're the one that will be designated as a "spouse", you'll likely be ok. Even if you're ID'd, it's not like everyone has the same last name anymore. So if you have ID that says you have the same address, you're not likely to be asked for a marriage license or anything. 

Not sure I'd like to count on that, especially in a true emergency. But when it comes to getting in there to visit your SO, I doubt you'd have much of an issue in those circumstances.

C


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

PBear said:


> Well, not more than I wanted, no...  But it does answer some questions. Basically in your situations, if you go in there and both you and your SO agree that you're the one that will be designated as a "spouse", you'll likely be ok. Even if you're ID'd, it's not like everyone has the same last name anymore. So if you have ID that says you have the same address, you're not likely to be asked for a marriage license or anything.
> 
> Not sure I'd like to count on that, especially in a true emergency. But when it comes to getting in there to visit your SO, I doubt you'd have much of an issue in those circumstances.
> 
> C


The issue here was after-hours visitation. Most places they try to limit that anyway (for obvious reasons, lol) and so really, she could have been a girlfriend, wife or his fairy godmother and it would still have been the floor staff's call. During regular visiting hours, anyone can go in. The only time they would want ID is if it's a secure facility, like I mentioned above. 

In a true emergency though you'd be in the same position, if you're not married, an immediate relative or the person's legally designated medical representative, then you don't have any rights in the situation no matter how long you've dated or lived together. You don't have the right to make decisions on care, the right to medical information (e.g. status updates, etc.), any of it. You basically get to hang out in the waiting room until the family gets there to take care of things or someone takes pity on you and gives you an update and the medical staff are directed otherwise by the patient. Even then, without legal designation otherwise, an unmarried partner would likely only get the same kind of access as a spouse, family would still have to make any decisions for care.

People think that it's easy to just live together and that it's the same as being married, but things like this happen and it really isn't. If you don't think things through and take the legal steps necessary, you could literally be 50 years old with cancer or something, being visited by your SO of 10 years, with your mom in the nursing home responsible for deciding if you get put on life support or not if you crash.


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