# Blindsided, trying to figure things out



## Confused_Houston (Jun 2, 2017)

Hello all. 
I'm new to the forum, I found the site while searching for various things to make heads or tails of what is going on in my life right now. It has been helpful to hear and read what others are going through and the advice they have to offer. This is going to be a long winded post so bare with me, but I'm hoping someone may be able to shed some light on things I may not be seeing.

The past 4 months have been rough.
•	Laid off at work / started a new company
•	Father has massive heart attack and is still and may never be 100% 
•	Grandfather died
•	Wife left me

My wife of 5 years (7 together) decided to leave me almost 2 weeks ago now. My wife is bi-polar which may or may not shed some light on what is happening, I don’t want to demean what is going on and write it off as a depression episode. I am trying to understand where she is coming from and be supportive.

I work in an industry where I'm required to be gone for sometimes extended periods. I got home from an offshore trip on Sunday at which time my wife sat me down and told me she was leaving to stay with a friend. She seemed happy right before I left and excited about her cousin visiting for the weekend. Her reasoning for leaving was that she was unhappy and that she had changed from the person she was when we first met. She felt like she had lost herself, she said she had made up her mind and this was what she wanted. Maybe I was naive and didn't see it coming, but this completely blindsided me. I knew we had issues, but I thought we were also trying to work through things. I told her that it would be better if we tried to work through things but that I understood if she needed to take some time to clear her head. She explained that there was no other man in the picture and she had never been unfaithful, and I believe her.

Fast forward a week and we agree to meet in person to discuss things. She came over to the house and said she was still committed to leaving, and that she went to look at a house to purchase that morning. That caught be by surprise and I let her know I thought that was a huge commitment to make so soon. I tried to get a better explanation out of her but what I got was she was unhappy and wanted to be on her own. I reiterated that the separation was not what I wanted and that I was still in love with her. I told her we should see a counselor and try to work though things, her response was shes committed to this and this is what she wants. The word divorce had not been spoken at this point.

A few days ago she came over because she needed to get an affidavit signed so she could get prequalified for a loan on the house. She walked in with a frustrated/angry attitude which caught me off guard. She felt like she explained everything clearly to me and was angry that I wasn’t just letting her go. She then dropped the bombshell that shed slept with someone this past weekend. The way she said it, it was almost like she was trying to get me to blow up and just throw everything away. I told her that I thought that was pretty shi***, but I was more concerned with the separation. She kind of calmed down after that. We talked more and I was able to get more of the root of what was causing her feelings. Nearly 2.5 yrs ago I was rotating month on month off to Africa for work, she said the loneliness and anxiety she felt from that caused a huge problem. I knew this and we sought counseling at the time and I changed my job so that I would be home more often (1-2 months out of town work per year now). She also said that the time I have spent remodeling the house has hurt her, she felt neglected, and she has ever right to feel that way. I should have balanced that more, but that was never communicated to me as a problem either. So these are pretty much the reasons she’s given. I guess I feel these are fixable issues and not something a marriage should be thrown away over. I've reiterated to her multiple times that we could work through this and that I didn't want to separate. She then said she wanted a divorce. 

I know this is a relationship and if she is unwilling to come to the table to work on things then there’s not much I can do about it. But my instincts are telling me what she is saying is not matching up with what she necessarily wants 100%. I can see that she is still conflicted about this. I’m still struggling to come to terms with everything, hurting emotionally, and feeling betrayed that she could just leave without at least giving it a shot to work things out. I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with what I’m feeling and I’m signing up for a crossfit gym to get in some exercise to help deal with the stress.

I guess what I’m looking for is does anyone have advise on how to move forward? I want her to come to the table and try to work on the relationship, it may not turn out the way I want, but at least I would have the knowledge that we gave it a shot.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

"We" means 2 or more hon. If she isn't willing, there's not a whole lot you can do. 


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

I see nothing in your post which mentions kids. My response would be slightly different if kids were involved.

Assuming you have no children, give her what she wants. You have tried to communicate. You have offered counseling. She has not only rejected your reasonable attempts to reconcile, she jumped in bed with the first man she saw.

You have a very typical walk away wife. Very rarely does a walk away wife return to a marriage. You just need to let her go. There is no such thing as a unilateral reconciliation. You're just wasting your time and life trying to do so.

I suggest you find a good attorney and follow his/her advice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are convincing yourself that she is conflicted, but I dont believe that she is. Trying to buy a house and sleeping with another man (if she really did) are pretty large, glaring signs that she is indeed done. I'm sure this is difficult for her as well, even if this IS what she wants. My suggestion to you would be to detach, limit your contact with her, and let her go. It will only bring you more hurt if you continue to try and chase her or convince her to stay or try again. You cant make things work if you are the only one trying.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here, you have been through so many life issues this last while

With regard to your wife, get the divorce, she has already checked out. I guess the nature of your job has left her feeling emotionally neglected and abandoned. It is hard to keep a marriage going in this position and some just cannot handle it, your wife seems to be one of these persons. I am sorry,


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My advice is always bad. Nobody ever listens. They probably shouldn't. 

I see nothing to hang on to. You should spend a day being upset, and then get mad. Kick her to the curb and get rid of her. She is worthless to you. Lousy cheater. And probably has been for a while.

She is only hurting you, and any chance you have of being happy.

My wife did once. She claims it was a one time thing she accidentally let the guy talk her into. She says she confessed the day it happened. She cried, and literally crawled before me. She clung to me and promised me anything under the sun to get me to keep her. I wreaked vengeance on her such as no man should ever do to a woman. But she took it all without a single complaint, for 18 months of hell.

And she never, not once, did she ever say she had the slightest doubt she wanted to stay married to me. If she had ever mentioned even one whisper of interest in leaving me I would have kicked her out so fast the wind would have scorched her hair.

I can't see why you are bothering to carry a torch for that woman you used to call a wife.

You can see why I don't give advice very often to men who try to cling to cheating wives. If a woman is not remorseful in the extreme, there should be nothing but rage, and no option but to get rid of her as fast as possible.

But good luck in whatever limbo you choose to live in.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm fairly close; I'll help you move her stuff to the front yard.


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

There's nothing u can do to change her mind until she wants too. Mine bought a house and started a relationship with a guy behind my back. I was home every night by 5-6. Mine has some deep emotional / memtal issues that haven't been diagnosed yet, she refused to accept she has a problem. The old "your the problem not me, im fine". If u have no kids its much simpler but not easy. Its hard but letting her go is your only option. Mine has been taking my kids over to her bf house and baby sitting his 3 year old kid. From what i gather he has a 3 and a teenager, probably from 2 different women. Vent on here, it does help.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What did you expect?

Leaving a wife alone for long periods of time...

No man. Just an empty house.

On the cheating? Unforgivable.

She may have been cheating for quite a while. 

Irregardless, you are not marriage material until you get a job where you will be home most of the time.

I would have brought her with me to my job location in Africa.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> What did you expect?
> 
> Leaving a wife alone for long periods of time...
> 
> ...




This. Having a marriage when you're apart a lot is very difficult. I saw it all the time when i was in the military.

Her sleeping with someone else is evidence of her inability to cope with it. 

While it does expose a character flaw that makes her poor marriage material, being gone a lot makes you poor husband material for another woman unless she can accompany you and is happy doing so. 

Considering her current attitude, I'd her cut her loose and reevaluate your job choice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Why on earth would a man want to sleep with a wife who was "hauling some other man's ashes" and then coming home to give her H none, or at the absolute best, "sloppy seconds?"

IMHO, your time would be far better spent being advised of your marital property rights in a good family attorney's office!

Give her her requested freedom and yourself a golden opportunity to find the woman who will truly love you for the man who you are!*


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## Confused_Houston (Jun 2, 2017)

Well, it has been a few weeks, I thought I would provide an update.

The first few weeks were the most difficult emotional time period of my life. I was feeling hurt, abandoned, angry, sad, pretty much every emotion under the rainbow. I did a lot of looking within and have owned up to my shortcomings. We've talked a few more times but the end result is pretty much the same, she wants to move forward with divorce. I'm disappointed that she isn't willing to attempt to work on salvaging the marriage, but I'm only half of the equation and I can't drag her kicking and screaming. So, I've told her my view point that I believe everything that has happened is fixable and that I want to give it a shot, she does not want to try anymore. She is still moving forward at what I feel is lighting speed to buy a new house. We've briefly talked about splitting assets and will be sitting down together soon to make a list. Looks like we're headed for divorce. It is disappointing that things have come to this and I definitely feel it as though I'm being dragged along with something I don't want, but that is something I'll have to deal with.

I've been going to counseling once a week to sort through everything, it helps to just have somewhere to vent and bounce thoughts off of. I've also signed up for crossfit gym and have been doing that a few times a week (most physically demanding thing I've ever done!). Anyway, I feel that the emotional roller coaster is starting to flatten out and I've just decided to focus on myself for the time being. If she has a change of heart I am still willing to give it a shot, but seems unlikely at this stage. I know I'll be okay and will move forward regardless of the outcome.


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