# Forum for abuse and abuse survivors



## larry.gray

I'm re-posting something another member suggested that I think is a good idea:



Caribbean Man said:


> This opinion might be popular or unpopular, but I've been thinking about it for months, and maybe the site moderators and administrators can give some thought to it.
> 
> I think TAM needs a new sub forum dealing specifically with domestic violence and spousal abuse victims, and maybe even some external links to other places where professional help and support can be found.
> 
> There are many women here who are survivors and I suspect that there are some women here who themselves are presently victims of abuse in some form or another. The stronger women can can help provide crucial support to other unfortunate women who find themselves victims of domestic violence/ abuse.
> 
> I sincerely I hope the site moderators and administrators give some thought to it.


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## larry.gray

I want to second CM's suggestion.

There are threads scattered on several different forums dealing with just this topic. We've had helpful people, but I suspect some threads are missed because of where they are located.

I've recommended this website to people that are on other forums and they've found it just as helpful as I have.

Once I did a recommendation for a lady that was dealing with an abusive husband, and she did post to "Relationships and Addiction" since part of it was due to her husband's drinking. It did seem like a forum specifically dealing with her situation would be helpful.


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## Cosmos

I also second CM's suggestion. I think it's an excellent idea.

There are many abuse threads on TAM, and a lot of good advice / information has been posted in those threads. It would be great to have all those threads in one place, along with a sticky containing links to helplines / info etc.

I know that there are several abuse survivors on TAM, myself included, who would be more than happy to support abuse victims.


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## Convection

+1. Excellent idea.

Based on things I read, I suspect there are some abused men who would benefit as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

Convection said:


> +1. Excellent idea.
> 
> Based on things I read, I suspect there are some abused men who would benefit as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Abuse isn't gender specific, and I have equal empathy and support for any victim, irrespective of gender.


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## mablenc

In my personal life, and professional life I have experienced the horror of domestic abuse. I have had family members live their whole life with an abuser. It is such a shame that they can't find the strength to leave. I also had to experience a coworker get shot in front of her children by her abuser. Her children are now trying to recover from such a horrible act. I also have tried to help others who just go back and put their children in the hands of the abuser. These children will either be abusers or continue the cycle of abuse. 

In the time I have been here at the TAM, there have been many victims and abusers. It will help if there is a one section instead of new threads because some information that can be helpful can be missed. This is a very serious problem in all societies, we need to not only get the word out that there is hope but, also have resources available in one place. Not everyone is internet savvy to find resources if we post them in one place it can make a difference.

In many cases the abuse escalates and can result in homicide. Please consider the seriousness of this request. If we can help even one person, it will be worth it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

If there is such a forum opened, how about making it private too?


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## mablenc

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If there is such a forum opened, how about making it private too?


I understand why it should, but, at the same time taking extra steps to get in the private section might push some people away. 

If you notice there are many more guest in the site than registered users. I personally got the help that I needed as a guest by just reading others stories. Also, if the abuser sees any traces of registration such as emails, that can make the situation worse. 

this is MHO.


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## Coffee Amore

I have no direct experience with abuse, but I think if such a forum were created, it should be private. Access should be given to those who have a certain amount of posts and maybe even a request made to a moderator for access. On Mothering.com ( a parent/natural living board I used to post on) there's a great abused support group, but access is limited to those who are members of the site and the administrators have to approve each request to join. People are sharing such deeply personal experiences, sometimes in graphic terms, and it's not meant to be seen by those who have a passing curiosity or no direct experience with abuse. Also, if a forum like this were public, it would be easier for the abuser to identify the victim. Making it private would provide more protection to those participating.


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## Coffee Amore

mablenc said:


> If you notice there are many more guest in the site than registered users. I personally got the help that I needed as a guest by just reading others stories.


One of the things that mothering.com does on their surviving abuse subforum is to have a folder with all sorts of articles and links that lurkers can read to get help, if they don't want to post and gain admission to the private support group. That might be one option.

Here are the guidelines they use. They limit access to women, but as people have said, victims can be of either gender.

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1130804/surviving-abuse-forum-rules-and-guidelines


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## Starstarfish

Just to point out -there may be pluses and minuses to making the forum private. 

If it's public - guests can then peruse posts and get advice without posting. However, at the same time, abusive spouses will also be able to easily peruse the posts as a guest as well. Meaning, if there is any advice given about exit plans etc - they may be easily discovered which could be dangerous for the person needing help. 

I'm not certain what the solution to that is - but, just thought I'd point to that idea.


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## Deejo

I was PM'd on this and I will acknowledge it here.

The mods and site admin discussed this previously.

The consensus was that we were ill-equipped to deal with a forum of that nature. Worse, based upon our experience simply with forums such as CWI, although we would firmly like to believe that only positive, helpful advice and support would be provided by the community, history easily demonstrates that isn't always the case. People could be targeted, or worse if discovered by their abuser could be put squarely at risk.


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## mablenc

Deejo said:


> I was PM'd on this and I will acknowledge it here.
> 
> The mods and site admin discussed this previously.
> 
> The consensus was that we were ill-equipped to deal with a forum of that nature. Worse, based upon our experience simply with forums such as CWI, although we would firmly like to believe that only positive, helpful advice and support would be provided by the community, history easily demonstrates that isn't always the case. People could be targeted, or worse if discovered by their abuser could be put squarely at risk.


Couldn't you guys at least put some links to websites that can help them, like a locked thread? Kind of feels like turning a blind eye to a situation that occurs mainly in marriages. People come here for marriage issues including domestic abuse. By not providing any structure you are leaving them in the hands of non-experts and scattered post which is doing the same thing you are avoiding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray

They're here anyway. 

Talk About Marriage - Search Results

This would only put them all in one place.


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## Deejo

mablenc said:


> Couldn't you guys at least put some links to websites that can help them, like a locked thread? Kind of feels like turning a blind eye to a situation that occurs mainly in marriages. People come here for marriage issues including domestic abuse. By not providing any structure you are leaving them in the hands of non-experts and scattered post which is doing the same thing you are avoiding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not my decision.

If you want to put together a post and request it be stickied, you, or anyone can do that.

We have a women's forum, relationships and addiction, and physical and mental health, I have no interest one way or another if there is another sub-forum. Simply wanted to respond and let you know that it was considered previously and at that time, the decision was not to host a separate forum.


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## mablenc

Deejo said:


> Not my decision.
> 
> If you want to put together a post and request it be stickied, you, or anyone can do that.
> 
> We have a women's forum, relationships and addiction, and physical and mental health, I have no interest one way or another if there is another sub-forum. Simply wanted to respond and let you know that it was considered previously and at that time, the decision was not to host a separate forum.


That's actually a great alternative, thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

Actually, my main concern for a sub-forum of this nature wouldn't be that victims could be tracked down by their abusers, but that it would need to be very strictly moderated. In forums of this nature, new members are very clearly warned to use obscure usernames and to clear their browsing history after visiting the forum.


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## larry.gray

Yep, very important advice to cover the tracks! 

I notice on CWI nobody tells cheaters debating coming clean to their spouse gets the same advice.... I've seen three busted here that way.


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## Cosmos

Thing is Larry, the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when they're planning to leave... They need to be super-sneaky in order to survive - cheaters have already been so!


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## larry.gray

Both in planning on leaving and hiding where they go when they are gone.


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## larry.gray

One other suggestion would be to make the sub-forum non web crawl-able. Making it private is one way. You'll note you can take snippets of text from this website, google them and it will find them if they've been here a week or so. Not so if it is in the private forum because google can't get in there. And if they do, they can get in trouble for it. (Violation of terms of use, it is actionable and google has very deep pockets.)

There are other ways to confound web crawlers too. Only letting registered users in is one way.


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## Cosmos

larry.gray said:


> One other suggestion would be to make the sub-forum non web crawl-able. Making it private is one way. You'll note you can take snippets of text from this website, google them and it will find them if they've been here a week or so. Not so if it is in the private forum because google can't get in there. And if they do, they can get in trouble for it. (Violation of terms of use, it is actionable and google has very deep pockets.)
> 
> There are other ways to confound web crawlers too. Only letting registered users in is one way.


Trouble is, Larry, I don't think TAM have enough staff to moderate something like this... However, I've got a couple of ideas I'm mulling over right now which I'll post about later.


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## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> Trouble is, Larry, I don't think TAM have enough staff to moderate something like this... However, I've got a couple of ideas I'm mulling over right now which I'll post about later.



Looking forward to your ideas!


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## bbird1

I know some men who are abuse victims to. Hope they can find help here. Since when they call the cops they are told they aren't real men and to stop being a wimp. They go to the hospital and the staff refuses to deal with it as domestic violence. They have few resources. Maybe this could be one for them as well.


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## Cosmos

bbird1 said:


> I know some men who are abuse victims to. Hope they can find help here. Since when they call the cops they are told they aren't real men and to stop being a wimp. They go to the hospital and the staff refuses to deal with it as domestic violence. They have few resources. Maybe this could be one for them as well.


An abuse forum should be for members of both genders. The powers that be are becoming more aware of domestic violence perpetrated against men, and are (quite rightly) starting to view it in a serious light. 

Women can be sneakier when it comes to abuse, but over a period of time the results of abuse can be the same. It is a gradual wearing away of the victim's support systems, self-esteem and boundaries that leaves them open to even more abuse - and it doesn't even have to involve physical abuse. A man doesn't have to be a wimp for this to happen.


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## larry.gray

Ah, the double standard in spousal abuse is alive and well here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/113626-husband-asked-threesome-2.html#post3918042


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## bunny23

Could we get people to volunteer to moderate those forums if they are short staffed?

I think it would be a good idea, private or not.

Would love to have some support from people who are in the same boat as I am. It's very hard opening up about this stuff to family and friends, esp when there is no physical abuse.

Most people still consider fits of anger (aka throwing stuff or verbally attacking someone) a "normal" part of marriage. It stuns me to this day


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## Cosmos

I would happily moderate it, Bunny.


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## Caribbean Man

bunny23 said:


> *Could we get people to volunteer to moderate those forums if they are short staffed?*
> 
> *I think it would be a good idea, private or not.*
> 
> Would love to have some support from people who are in the same boat as I am. It's very hard opening up about this stuff to family and friends, esp when there is no physical abuse.


:iagree:

Maybe it would indeed be a good idea to have two extra mods, with experience or a background just for that section.

Maybe a trial run could be done to determine its feasibility.


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## Cosmos

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Maybe it would indeed be a good idea to have two extra mods, with experience or a background just for that section.
> 
> Maybe a trial run could be done to determine its feasibility.


I would be prepared to take such a group off-site and run it off the back of a family orientated support forum I've been running for the past 3 years. It would, of course, be completely separate from that group, and would be designed so that it was strictly members only and none of its content would show up in search engines.

For me to do this, though, I would need the permission from TAM admin to post a link to the off-site forum here on TAM, and also the help of a few abuse survivors to help me moderate it and keep it safe. Such a forum would, of course, have to bear the disclaimer that it was not run by professionals.

Thoughts?


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## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> I would be prepared to take such a group off-site and run it off the back of a family orientated support forum I've been running for the past 3 years. It would, of course, be completely separate from that group, and would be designed so that it was strictly members only and none of its content would show up in search engines.
> 
> For me to do this, though, I would need the permission from TAM admin to post a link to the off-site forum here on TAM, and also the help of a few abuse survivors to help me moderate it and keep it safe. Such a forum would, of course, have to bear the disclaimer that it was not run by professionals.
> 
> Thoughts?


Sounds good to me.
Once these people could safely post their problems and get the crucial help they need , especial psychological.
I have observed that with most of the cases / stories posted here, the women were in a state of emotional helplessness.

I think TAM also has separate spaces where such a group can be started although I don't know if the formating is the same. But I know special groups exist on TAM strictly by invitation only.
But your idea sounds perfect .


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## Catherine602

I've not read all of the post but can we add male victims of domestic violence. This aspect of violence against humans is insidious because men are ashamed and don't report it. 

The system is not geared to assist men and therefore resources are difficult to find. I think help has to be gender specific and treated separately. 

Men are more likely to seek help in an environment where there are other men with the same problem.


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## Cosmos

Catherine602 said:


> I've not read all of the post but can we add male victims of domestic violence. This aspect of violence against humans is insidious because men are ashamed and don't report it.
> 
> The system is not geared to assist men and therefore resources are difficult to find. I think help has to be gender specific and treated separately.
> 
> Men are more likely to seek help in an environment where there are other men with the same problem.


:iagree:

Whilst DV perpetrated against men tends to be more psychologically orientated, it can also be physical, but both are equally as damaging, IMO.


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## Caribbean Man

Cosmos,
I have an idea.
It is a combination of your last suggestion and mine.

I'm thinking maybe you and a couple other " abuse survivors " could start a TAM social group [ a few others already exist.] and maybe you all could place a link in your signature.

Something similar to what some of the regulars in the CWI section do , so that " newbies " would have access to that group designed to help them by sharing experience and giving support & advice.
Of course control over who has access would lie in the hands of yourself and the original group of " survivors."
Any " disruptive " poster can easily be referred to the mods.

What do you think?


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## Cosmos

This is a good idea, CM... The only problem I can see is that newbies probably wouldn't actually be able to access a private group until they've made, I think, 30 posts? People coping with DV tend to lurk quite a bit before posting, because they need to feel safe before doing so. I do like your idea, though.

One of the beauties of an off-site group would be a chat room facility and greater 'control' (for want of a better word) by the mods of that group. There's always the danger of these sort of groups to losing focus and turning into 'pity parties,' which is the last thing someone suffering from abuse needs. They need empathy, support and lots of motivation to access the help and resources that are out there to help them break the cycle and move forward.

Perhaps we should give you suggestion a try, CM, because it certainly is a good one.


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## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> One of the beauties of an off-site group would be a chat room facility and greater 'control' (for want of a better word) by the mods of that group.


Yes. This^^^is what I meant.

Regarding newbies, maybe you or French Fry could start a thread regarding the idea ,and have it placed as a " sticky " in the Ladies Lounge much like what Dejoo has at the top of the Men's Clubhouse. 
Formulate rules and in that thread inform them exactly how they could gain access to the group if they wanted to.

Then place a link to that thread in your siggy and in the siggy of the others who are the mods for that chatroom.

Just an idea, lol , maybe FF could respond?.


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## Cosmos

I've PM'd FrenchFry and asked her for some input, CM.

I would really like to get started with this


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## Cosmos

Thanks FF 

It would be great if we could invite new members who are dealing with abuse to the private group, rather than them having to wait until they've made 30 posts. 

It would also be great if we could have a sticky within the group so that all resource info etc stays at the top.


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## FrenchFry

To consolidate my findings on what I can do here:

Yes I can absolutely sticky a thread. If either of you create the thread, please PM me the link ASAP so I can be sure to sticky it very quickly.

As far as the social groups go, it looks like you have the choice to have it public, moderated or invite only. It looks like the creator of the group has moderator-like powers like deleting threads and kicking out/inviting users.*

I'd be happy to join the group and lend any of the moderator powers I have as well.  I might not get too deep into discussions, but I agree that this is an important resource we can offer.

*At least I think so, I created the group as a moderator.


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## Cosmos

Thanks, FF. I'm going to mull this over overnight and post here again later.

Thanks for your help!


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## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> Thanks, FF. I'm going to mull this over overnight and post here again later.
> 
> Thanks for your help!


Any updates Cosmos?
If you don't want to go public as yet then just PM me.


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## Cosmos

CM, will PM you later today.


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## Micfhelle

Just to point out -there may be pluses and minuses to making the forum private.


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## Cosmos

Micfhelle said:


> Just to point out -there may be pluses and minuses to making the forum private.


I agree. Also, there wouldn't be enough tools available to the host of such a group on TAM to keep it safe. It's for this reason I decided not to do it.


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## whataboutthis?

I see the reasoning behind not having an abuse forum. 

As far as I'm concerned mine isn't physical, it's emotional abuse. So naturally I wasn't considering the danger of having a forum. Perhaps I can find a suitable place to post elsewhere.

Thanks for giving it thought though.


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## Cosmos

Sometimes emotional is worse than physical, and at the end of the day - abuse is abuse. I'm sorry you're going through this.

You could always start a thread in the general relationship forum, and I'm sure quite a few will support you - myself included.


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## Cosmos

2galsmom said:


> I think it would attract trolls galore.


Plus it would have to be _very_ well moderated.


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