# He Cheated.......I want to leave but afraid



## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

My husband cheated. Cheated in the worst way. Both an emotional affair and physical affairs inbetween. Not sure whats worse. Married 6 years, have 6 kids. Youngest is 2. He lied our entire marriage as I've now discovered. I dont trust a word he says now. Its only been 3 mths since I found out. There are his children from previous marriage that will be affected AGAIN buy this break up. Sometimes it seems he's on egg shells, sometimes it seems he doesnt care. The respect is gone. How do you respect someone that would hurt his own kids AGAIN for the 4th time since he left their mother? 

This is my second marriage. Im afraid of going through the single parenting thing again. Im afraid of what this will do to my youngest in his future. Im afraid of raising the only boy in the family with out a full time father. Ironically we have and STILL get along even after I found this out. Not sure if its because I really just dont care anymore or if its my way of not facing my feelings. The two people in my family that I told both want me to leave. Once doesnt have children though so its hard to get her to understand why I feel stuck. As a woman, I am fine with leaving meaning I have lost so much respect for him that I know I dont love him as a husband. I do care about his well being but not the way you care about your husband. So if I dont care should i stay and make sure the boy has his father full time? Or because I dont care should I go? Even though he chetaed I also feel sorry for him at times? Sorry because as much as he thought he was getting away with all of this he doesnt have the guts to leave his children. Now that he was caught having a full blown very intense emotional affair ........he doesnt want to leave? Why is he putting this on me to decide? This was his plan all along. So why now does he want to stay. 
What are the chances he's still talking , seeing, emailing, this other woman? Should I even ask? Does it matter?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> * Why is he putting this on me to decide? * *This was his plan all along. So why now does he want to stay.
> What are the chances he's still talking , seeing, emailing, this other woman? Should I even ask? Does it matter?
> *


Question 1 - Because it's your decision, not his.

Question 2 - Because he doesn't want to break up his family, wants to avoid consequences, and wants to stay with someone who will accept his cheating.

Question 3 - Excellent.

Question 4 - No.

Question 5 - No.

He's a confirmed serial cheater and you deserve better. So do your children.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Just to add....My middle daughter almost hates him I would say. At times ( many times ) I feel almost releived that I found out. Initally devestated but lately......just releived. Releived because I no longer care about the things I use to. Is he? Will he? Would he? Has he? Why this? Why that? Now I dont care about any of that and dont seek his attention. Dont expect it and dont care. He wants to avoid the consequences however he gambled his family away regardless. You think he wants me to stay and be in an "open marriage" or stay and keep doing what he's doing regardless just so that he doesnt lose the home feeling? 

Should I tell him everything that I feel and be blunt and say..........this is how I feel. Now YOU decide if you want to stay knowing that I feel this way?


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Are there people out there that stay living civil with their spouse under the same roof just for the kids’ sake? If there is not physical abuse then is it that bad just to stay and raise the kids then go your separate ways when they are older? We get along that’s the crazy part but I don’t want to sleep with him. We can be friends and raise our children. Does anyone live like that realistically???

With him or without him I DO NOT plan on doing this again with another man. My son is 2 and my daughters have been through enough. I plan on living my life in peace with my children reagardless if he's there or not. My dilema if you will is what will I be more at peace with?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> Should I tell him everything that I feel and be blunt and say..........this is how I feel. Now YOU decide if you want to stay knowing that I feel this way?


Huge mistake if you give him any options.By letting him make that decision, you're telling him he is still in control of the marriage. You're confirming to him what he already suspects; you won't leave him. He has no fear that you ever will; and he will lose that much more respect and attraction for you for being so indecisive.

I don't recommend R with a serial cheater period. But if you were to try, *YOU* are the one that has to make that decision; and I hope you make the right one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you really think he's teaching your children values and more that you want them to learn? Do you think having your children grow up in a home where the parents are merely tolerating each other will give them a healthy role model for their marriages?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You want to know if you should stay so that your son can have a full time father. Is your husband really a man who you want your son to learn to be a man from? Do you want your son constantly exposed to a man who disrespects the mother of his children, lies, cheats, etc?

If you stay with your husband you son will most likely grow up to be exactly like his father. Your daughters will grow up to be women who marry men like him.

Show your children that when a person acts like your husband has, there are consequences. Teach them that a woman does not tolerate this kind of behavior.

Sometimes children are better off with out both parents being around all the time.. especially when one of them is as broken as your husband.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You will be more at peace having a life with a serial cheater in your rearview mirror. There's your answer.

If you are sincere in what you say & you don't really care anymore, then you are just inviting endless, meaningless drama into your life if you stay with him.

It sounds like both of you are afraid to make the move. You want him to decide and he wants you to decide. So, why not do it? Tell him to leave. The children will be OK.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

I don think he looks at me and thinks, "she wont leave, the kids, the kids, she wont leave the kids". 

Thats a terrible feeling. To feel that someone is looking at you like I did all of this to her and she is still here. Even if for the kids, she is still here! I also think ( because I know him so well ) that he wants it to be me that pulls the trigger on this marriage. Meaning, if he can leave and say, well she asked me to leave vs I left then he can deal with that better. He's a chicken deep in side and he wants it to be me. He'll never or at least not for a while, just get up and go. Not while his kids are about to enter HS etc.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It's your choice. Of course he wants to stay with you. You take care of his SIX children and him. Why on earth would anyone give that up.

If I had a great live-in babysitter and housekeeper, I would be dating too!!

I think it old be harder in the long run to stay. You will look back on your life when you are older and realize you were never loved by your husband. That will be a hard and sad reality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So then you be the one who leaves. You can mention the infidelity in the divorce papers in most states. Are you in a fault state? If you are you can get a better divorce settlement if you can prove infidelity.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would be leave? He's got a housekeeper, cook, chauffeur (making stereotype assumptions here), nanny... It will likely cost him a bunch of money. And he still gets his piece on the side. 

Personally, I think you should look into therapy to find out why you're considering staying. And he's cheated in the last? Did you know about that before you married him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

PBear - No , No he's not  

Ele Girl - "Is your husband really a man who you want your son to learn to be a man from? - NO 
Do you want your son constantly exposed to a man who disrespects the mother of his children, lies, cheats, etc? - NO

I dont want my son to grow up to be like his father but Im afraid of raising a boy alone. I saw what teenage girls did to me I dont know if Im hurting him more by staying or leaving but it seems from the advice here that the hurt is more if I stay. 

Alte Dame - So true and yes Im sincere. This eye opener hurts less then all the wondering I was doing before. I was going nuts wondering about the "what if". So this hurt so bad that I just went dead and numb. 

Yes, neither of us want to be "the one". Yes, I see it in my daughters eyes, especially the middle one that she hates this whole thing. She told her older sister that she knows the only reason mom is with him is because of the baby. How sad........ 

As I write I begin to wonder if Im being selfish by not leaving. Is this about my convinence or the kids well being? The questions NEVER STOP IN MY HEAD


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The questions won't stop if you stay. Never. If you leave, you can work on yourself in peace, and set a better example for your kids.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Everyone - Thank you. So helpfull all this advice: 

That’s true. WHY would he leave with all those "amenities". I think I realize that and then I don’t for some reason. He still comes home and asks about dinner, I still take care of his other kids, nothing has really changed since I found out. Other than my outburst when I found out..........nothing has changed in our house. Your right, why would he leave? 

He has his cake and eats it to. I was seeing a therapist and I quit. It was not a good mix. Nice lady but wasn’t getting anything out of it. So I found this site instead. 

I don’t see how people get passed this and stay together. Are there any post on here that the cheating spouse gets an exorcism and they are able to overcome this? 

I've read here that SOME do and the cheating spouse has to have full disclosure and show the wounded spouse all emails, text, passwords, etc. I find that so exhausting and can’t see myself living like that. I don’t know if I even want him to disclose everything to me. I don’t even know if I want him to bother changing. I don’t know what I want really. I've disconnected to much that if I do see him trying to try, I don’t want that either!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I do think of living alone, I feel a small burts of happy. I wont have to feel like such a doormat, I dont have to deal with his emotional issues, and I dont have to deal with taking care of a house of 6. So whats my problem here? Whats my fear. Stupidity or scared of my financial status.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> PBear - No , No he's not
> 
> Ele Girl - "Is your husband really a man who you want your son to learn to be a man from? - NO
> Do you want your son constantly exposed to a man who disrespects the mother of his children, lies, cheats, etc? - NO
> ...


stuckonhold,

R is difficult for a BS even with a remorseful spouse. Your husband is a serial cheater and on top of that, is not even close to remorseful. That's about as bad a combination as it gets.

I'm not pro divorce. I'm in R with my WW. But as bad as she betrayed me, so far she has not proven to be a serial cheater and has demonstrated remorse for two years. And it's still been extremely hard for me to get past - particularly the first year.

I can suggest to you what your life will be like, but I don't think you want to hear it. I think you're one of those BS's who will have to find out on their own. But if you think you're doing it for the kids, I believe you'll find out one day, that you haven't done them any favors.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How many of the 6 kids did he father? And you should talk to a lawyer to get a goo understanding of what your financial picture would be. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

badmemory : "R is difficult for a BS even with a remorseful spouse. Your husband is a serial cheater and on top of that, is not even close to remorseful. That's about as bad a combination as it gets.
SO TRUE!! If I think about it, his ONLY remorse is that he got caught and was exposed and forced to admit. Also, that he has to face his kids with yet another failure on his part. Thats where I think his remorse ends. As far as I go, he does "feel bad" like when you screw a friend over but not remorse. Not the kind of remorse your wife feels or anyone trying to R. If I think about this statement and I think about his actions and or responces, no ......not the kind of remorse a husband to wife. Just kids and exposure. 

PBear - Together we have one. He has 3 from previous marriage and I have 2 from previous. 

Someone here asked if I new if he cheated before. Yes, he cheated on his first wife and left her with twin girls and another child at the age of 4 and 5. This is why he doesnt want to leave. He doesnt want to do this again to them and now another child. Im sure he's getting all kinds of counseling by the mistress though. Im sure she's telling him everything he wants to hear. 

Its true, the writting is on the wall early on............


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I am trying to stay with a semi remorseful serial cheater and its exhausting. Every time he's on his phone or computer, I panic. It's at the point where I can't see been in a new relationship or believe anyone again and that's not healthy. I could be writing your post. There is so much life and love out there and I don't want to be cynical and bitter. Neither should you.

I'm going to take all my love for my husband and give it to the deserving person - my son. As Thor pointed out to me, everything changes. Finances change, stuff happens. Flexibility and adaptability are the key. Get the book, who moved my cheese and read it daily. It's putting things in perspective for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Looking for Clarity - are you staying in your marriage even though you feel exhausted? Do you mean your giving all of your love to your son and moving on or ignoring the way you feel about your husband at home? 

I dont want to be cynical and bitter at all. Im so far from that person. I actually dont want to be cynical and bitter even to my husband. Regardless of what happends. I dont want to be that person period. 
There is so much life and love to live and feel. I refuse to let this turn me into someone I hate.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> badmemory : "R is difficult for a BS even with a remorseful spouse. Your husband is a serial cheater and on top of that, is not even close to remorseful. That's about as bad a combination as it gets.
> SO TRUE!! If I think about it, his ONLY remorse is that he got caught and was exposed and forced to admit. Also, that he has to face his kids with yet another failure on his part. Thats where I think his remorse ends. As far as I go, he does "feel bad" like when you screw a friend over but not remorse. Not the kind of remorse your wife feels or anyone trying to R. *If I think about this statement and I think about his actions and or responces, no ......not the kind of remorse a husband to wife.* Just kids and exposure.
> 
> PBear - Together we have one. He has 3 from previous marriage and I have 2 from previous.
> ...


We talk about remorse and how to define it all the time on these boards. That's been the most important thing I've learned since I've been on TAM. A R will go nowhere and a BS will be miserable without it. We see it time and time again.

No, he's not done one thing to demonstrate that he's remorseful. If he was he would have:

- Pleaded with you to forgive him and take him back.
- Ended all contact.
- Agreed to be completely transparent going forward - all his communication devices/passwords readily available.
- Accounted for his time when away from you.
- Agreed to go to MC and to actively work on the marriage.
- Accepted all blame for his actions.
- Displayed love and affection.
- Agreed to stricter boundaries - no opposite sex friends, no boy's night out.
- Agreed to talk about the A at any time you want to.
- Been completely honest about what happened and take a polygraph if requested.
- Accepted exposure to his family, your family, and the OW's family/SO.
- Displayed empathy for your hurt and patience with your anger.

And he would consistently do all the above for as long as you need him to.

That's called doing the heavy lifting; and he's not going to do that. But you know that don't you?


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

badmemory: - I can suggest to you what your life will be like, but I don't think you want to hear it. I think you're one of those BS's who will have to find out on their own. But if you think you're doing it for the kids, I believe you'll find out one day, that you haven't done them any favors.

This is my second marriage and I stayed in my first for almost the same reasons I’m talking about here. So when you say, I'll find out I haven’t done them any favors I know all too well what you mean unfortunately. You would think this is a no brainer for me right? I left him finally because he was physically and emotionally abusive. To myself and to my oldest daughter. I tried to "fix him" and "fix it" by trying to make everything perfect. I let him destroy me cause I didn’t want my girls to lose their family. Well eventually the abuse and control proved to be way too much to deal with and I left when they were 3 and 9. I remember I use to say, "if he was a good father at least I would stay longer for the kids". He was a terrible father as he was a husband. 

So here I am again. He's not physically abusive or controlling but here I am AGAIN saying, I should stay around for the kids. Needless to say my children have been through so much and after years of being a single mother I remarry and here there go again. Actually, here I go again and I’m still saying I'll stay for the kids. I think part of my rational is .......well he's a good father, does everything for the kids, good provider, we get along , etc. It’s not like he hits me like the other one did so staying for the kids is not like before. The kids don’t see fighting, yelling, or screaming. So staying for the kids makes more sense this time. 

As I write that I see how that sounds. So crazy but it is what goes through my head. 
When my oldest daughter was crying about this possible separation I told her, "but what about all of you kids?" Her response was, "how did staying for the kids work out for you the first time mom?" 

I did not have a response


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> badmemory: - I can suggest to you what your life will be like, but I don't think you want to hear it. I think you're one of those BS's who will have to find out on their own. But if you think you're doing it for the kids, I believe you'll find out one day, that you haven't done them any favors.
> 
> This is my second marriage and I stayed in my first for almost the same reasons I’m talking about here. So when you say, I'll find out I haven’t done them any favors I know all too well what you mean unfortunately. You would think this is a no brainer for me right? I left him finally because he was physically and emotionally abusive. To myself and to my oldest daughter. I tried to "fix him" and "fix it" by trying to make everything perfect. I let him destroy me cause I didn’t want my girls to lose their family. Well eventually the abuse and control proved to be way too much to deal with and I left when they were 3 and 9. I remember I use to say, "if he was a good father at least I would stay longer for the kids". He was a terrible father as he was a husband.
> 
> ...


You should listen to your daughter. She sounds wise beyond her years.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I, like you, are in limbo. I am very comfortable with the foundations of my life. We get along and are financially secure. I don't like dating and been alone. I am comfortable. However, my husband cheats on me with people from Craigslist and swingers and escorts. I had no idea for years. I found clues but couldn't understand what they were ( my hubby is either bi or heteroflexible and never told me) so the clues included men. He never has affairs. He is only with swingers and couples. He is not going to leave me. He basically wants and has had an open marriage without informing me.

I discovered his activity 2 months ago and I stayed. And I hate myself for staying. He promised to change and gave me full access to phone etc. he said he'd go to therapy but took 2 months to enroll. I don't trust he's changed. In scared to leave in case he has changed. I'm exhausted from trying to see if hell relapse or if he's lying. My life is he'll.

It's the selfishness and in my case the calculated deception from the start of my marriage that takes my breath away. I also sadly still love him and am attracted to him and so leaving him will suck. But I am going to leave as I will have my son to raise and give me love. 

I understand where you are because I'm there too. I look forward to this been over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

looking for clarity - Yes we are in similar positions in respect to the convience of staying but it looks like you are also telling me the future and telling me it will be hell. Not that I dont realize that myself but when your in this position you are in a constant fog unless you talk like Im doing here. 

'Badmemory: 
- Pleaded with you to forgive him and take him back.
**No just pleaded that I (we) try to figure out how we can work this out so that the family is not torn apart. 

- Ended all contact.
**I doubt very much he has 

- Agreed to be completely transparent going forward - all his communication devices/passwords readily available.
**I will ask him for this and let you know his response. I will ask to see what he says but not sure if I want to be bothered with this. Not because I don’t agree but I think I will looking everything like an obsession and I will be consumed by all the looking. I know I will look constantly. I will forever be depressed. If he has passwords it stops me from getting to this point but it also allows him to have a secret life. 
Catch 22 for me. 


- Accounted for his time when away from you.
**he does but he always has. That didn’t mean anything though. He told me he was in one location and he was really in a hotel room with his mistress so this doesn’t mean anything. 

- Agreed to go to MC and to actively work on the marriage.
** I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. We were in marriage counseling for almost a year going in circles because he was NOT communicating . Come to find out he was sleeping around with his mistress and others the entire time. MC took time away from my baby and family and he was wasting all of our time. 

- Accepted all blame for his actions.
**Yes he has over and over. 

- Displayed love and affection.
** Hasn’t said I love you since he started his affair. I think once the mistress found out I was having his baby she kicked it into high gear and this affair started when I was pregnant. I just found out about it but it was going on for a while. His affection is displayed by providing for me and the family and doing whatever I ask. Whatever I ask as in do things for the kids, or for me but not for disclosure. 


- Agreed to stricter boundaries - no opposite sex friends, no boy's night out.
**He doesn’t really have boys night out but does go on trips for Golf. So might be worse than boys night out! I’ve told him before he cannot have opposite sex friends and he swore up and down that he cut off all opposite sex friends and if that was going to upset me then it’s a no brainer. It’s over. – later found out this was all a lie. Just tells me what I wanted to hear. 

- Agreed to talk about the A at any time you want to.
** To a certain extent. 

- Been completely honest about what happened and take a polygraph if requested.
**Yes about what happened but haven’t asked about polygraph 

- Accepted exposure to his family, your family, and the OW's family/SO.
**He hates that I’ve told some of my family. Acts sometimes like a victim but I already told them. He has not been able to face those family members since I told him that I told them. Like a coward. 


- Displayed empathy for your hurt and patience with your anger.
**To a certain extent. Sometimes more empathy then other times. Especially at the beginning. Not so much lately but some. 

And he would consistently do all the above for as long as you need him to.
**Yet to be seen. 

That's called doing the heavy lifting; and he's not going to do that. But you know that don't you? 
** Yes I do know that. He’s not going to do all of this for long. Even if he did one or two of the above he wouldn’t do it for long. Just enough to pretend to satisfy me or placate me but he wouldn’t last for long because none of this would be really genuine. Just the first one and even at that it would be just for the kids.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> He still comes home and asks about dinner, I still take care of his other kids, nothing has really changed since I found out. .


You have definitely *not* 'disconnected' yet. If you're still doing things for him such as making dinner for him, doing his laundry, doing grocery shopping and buying items for _him_, then you haven't yet applied the 'Art of Disconnecting'. 

STOP doing anything _for_ him. Stop sleeping with him in the same bed. Stop doing errands for him, such as picking up his dry cleaning or making a phone call for him. Don't engage in ANY 'small talk'. If he asks you a question about anything other than the kids, don't respond. Don't be angry, but let him know in a matter of fact way ONCE that ALL communication between the two of you will be limited to the children...

Let him 'feel' what it would be like to not live with you, and have someone do all of these things for him. 

Meanwhile, come up with some 'terms of the marriage', ONLY if you want to continue the marriage. But don't present them to him; let him come to _you_. 

If he doesn't come to you in a few months, continue to disconnect. Eventually you'll get to a point where you'll make the decision to leave.

Just my 2 "sense".

Vega


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> I think part of my rational is .......well he's a good father, does everything for the kids, good provider, we get along , etc. It’s not like he hits me like the other one did so staying for the kids is not like before. The kids don’t see fighting, yelling, or screaming. So staying for the kids makes more sense this time.


I am sorry you find yourself here. Respectfully, you have set a very low bar for the man that would be the father of your children. Any man that commits such acts cannot possibly be a good father and cannot possibly be a good role model. Please understand that children are wired from birth to want to gain the love and admiration of both parents. Many responses have told you not to place a broken man as the father of your children. 25 yrs ago, I spent most of my 20's trying to unlearn the lessons taught by a vain & narcissistic father. This is not a legacy you want to pass on without an extremely good reason to do so. Can this man become a decent and honorable father and husband? Is he enough? 

You are not asking yourself if he is broken, you are asking if he is broken beyond repair. Assuming you were willing to forgive all, will he do the work to be that decent and honorable man? It appears you know the answers to these questions, so what you are left with is fear of the unknown. I would suggest you take this fear seriously, and focus on working through it, perhaps by reengaging with a different therapist who has some experience with spousal trauma. Focus on you, take the time you need and make decisions in your own time. 

The posters here are all good-hearted folks, but remember they are telling you what works or worked for them. They cannot and should not be a proxy for you making your own decisions. You must set expectations and boundaries because in doing so you are taking responsibility for your life. Kindest Regards-


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Vega, yes you are correct. I have NOT disconnected . 

Jung admirer : I have set the bar pretty low havent I ? I believe he is broken beyond repair.......


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
I think you know the answer to your central question, but that answer is unpleasant......scary - just as the title of your post indicates. 

Separation and divorce. It is always disturbing to anticipate undertaking radical changes in one's life, even when it's the right thing to do. getting into IC might help you. More importantly, do you have close friends or family nearby? That you can confide in, and more. Someone you could sit down and explain what's going on, what you need to do, and literally ask - "please help me, I'm afraid to go through this alone" ?? e.g. person that could give you a lot of moral support, help you get important information, help you set up appointments etc. That could help reduce your fear/anxiety a lot, I think.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> I have set the bar pretty low havent I ? I believe he is broken beyond repair.......


You raise the bar for you. I can't tell you to suck up your fear and be courageous because I wasn't, at least not at first. Work on yourself, then find a partner with enough love and passion in his heart to make you glow. You and your children deserve all the blessings life has to offer. When you believe that, you will be ready to open your heart to just such a man. Kindest Regards-


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> You raise the bar for you.


That right there is crucial! Realize that you have your own issues to deal with, your own shortcomings to face. You deserve better, but do you truly believe that. You are valuable, and worthy of being loved, truly loved, but do you believe that? You can come to know that, and to act on that, and to live that. It isn't easy, but the tools exist to help you make that journey.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

stuck on hold said:


> Everyone - Thank you. So helpfull all this advice:
> 
> That’s true. WHY would he leave with all those "amenities". I think I realize that and then I don’t for some reason. He still comes home and asks about dinner, I still take care of his other kids, nothing has really changed since I found out. Other than my outburst when I found out..........nothing has changed in our house. Your right, why would he leave?
> 
> ...


My wife came clean after years of cheating. She told me everything, very willingly, and repented. That was in May of this year. Two months ago she got sick, buzzing in her ear, nasea, dizzyness, images when she about ready to fall asleep and she gets terrified and upset (happened today when she was napping). Now I am dealing with her illness on top of her cheating.

I do believe people can change, show remorse for their "sins", and stop their wrong behavior. But it does not take the pain away, nor the mind movies, etc. Healing is a process.

You are early in the process. You don't have the answers yet, just more questions.

Take things slowly. Don't make rash decisions, you have plenty of time. Start planning on D. Start getting your own life in order.

You have been hit hard. We have been there. There is no one way to go in this. Slow down, take care of yourself and the kids. It will take weeks to sort this all out.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you all. I was told to take my time and think and let things process. I think I need to let him know how I feel since I've been silent for so long. Long before the affair I was silent with the worry of the "what if". Now that its out, I am silent with the information I know. I need to talk. Yesterday I did speak to a good friend about it and it helped. Now 3 people in my inner circle know. 

When I told him we need to speak he said he looks forward to it. He also said whatever we decide to do , if I ask him to leave or if I leave this will affect his children ( previous marriage ) very much. I did not respond. THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE KNOWN ALL ALONG? WHY DIDINT HE???? 

NOW he's thinking about the affects on his daughters and honestly, this is more about him sucking it all up so that I stay more for protection of his daughters then it is about him and I. Like I said earlier, this is not really a remorse about my feelings or how he betrayed his wife as much as it is about how he will AGAIN hurt his children AGAIN . He knows I have "control" over that and he is walking on egg shells but I can feel that it has very little to do with me.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Taking your time to think about any major decision is fine, but do not take your time in dealing with his behaviour. Draw a line, draw it clearly. He stops cheating immediately, gives up any pretence of secrecy, or he gtfo. His choice. This isn't your fault, these aren't your choices tearing the family apart, they are his and his alone that led you here. Do not accept cake eating, blameshifting, or guilt tripping.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Taking your time to think about any major decision is fine, but do not take your time in dealing with his behaviour. Draw a line, draw it clearly. He stops cheating immediately, gives up any pretence of secrecy, or he gtfo. His choice. This isn't your fault, these aren't your choices tearing the family apart, they are his and his alone that led you here. Do not accept cake eating, blameshifting, or guilt tripping.



so so true and its funny you posted this when you did. I was just about to say that I've read many posts here where the advise is to make him come clean. Full disclosure. Have the cheating spouse give you any and all information . Check everything, make him give you everything. Look to your hearts content till you feel you can trust him. 

My issue with this is............who in the world can live like that honestly? I did that to my daughter when she was 12 and My Space was around. I made her give me her phone at bedtime, got her passwords, and checked her on line activity ( for safety as I was a single parent) . Who wants to do that with a grown man? Im 44 and he's 50. Who can honeslty say this makes you feel good. Not to mention who's to say he's showing you everything. These days you can create email accounts at the blink of an eye. Then you are the fool looking at his stuff that may or may not be where the cheating is taking place. You have to have some kind of desire to do these things. I either feel like I CANT live like that at my age or I am a fool because he'll hide what he wants to hide anyway??!!


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Can I file any charges against the mistress in my D ? I have hundreds of emails to prove the affair?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

stuck on hold said:


> Can I file any charges against the mistress in my D ? I have hundreds of emails to prove the affair?


You need to talk to a local lawyer. But it wouldn't be charges, most likely. But a civil lawsuit. 

But really, it's your husband who made the wedding vows to you. Focus on your issues with him, is my advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> My issue with this is............who in the world can live like that honestly? I did that to my daughter when she was 12 and My Space was around. I made her give me her phone at bedtime, got her passwords, and checked her on line activity ( for safety as I was a single parent) . Who wants to do that with a grown man? Im 44 and he's 50. Who can honeslty say this makes you feel good. Not to mention who's to say he's showing you everything. These days you can create email accounts at the blink of an eye. Then you are the fool looking at his stuff that may or may not be where the cheating is taking place. You have to have some kind of desire to do these things. I either feel like I CANT live like that at my age or I am a fool because he'll hide what he wants to hide anyway??!!


Monitoring him doesn't mean you have to follow him around like a puppy, or even interact with him. All he needs to agree to is no secret passwords, no deleting texts or phone calls, no hiding of his phone, and a reasonable accounting for his time away from you.

Stealth technology can take care of the rest, if you educate yourself on how to use it. (VAR's, keyloggers, GPS trackers, cell spyware, etc.)

As to the reasons why to do it:

- First, in terms of his past actions, so that you'll have the best chance of knowing what all you're trying to forgive.

- Every time you verify that he's behaving, it helps build up your trust in him. That's important to you in R.

- It is a deserved consequence to the WS, hopefully one of several, that should act as a deterrent for a repeat episode.

- If him cheating again is a deal breaker, you'll want to catch him sooner than later, to avoid wasted months or years in a false R.

Sure, if he's determined and smart enough he can still hide his cheating; but that doesn't mean you should make it easy for him.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

yes true. Although I did not marry her she was well aware of my marriage and who I was and our children etc etc. This is not her first time with my husband. She was also the mistress in his first marriage. I dont think she should get away with it any more then he. But yes, my focus should be him .


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you Badmemory. When I read about VAR, or keylogers my stomach turns sadly enough. Reason being.......Im almost certain I will find what I dont want to find. Thats very telling towards my R. I dont have much faith that he will consistantly be faithful. While he's in the dog house.....yes. While he's afraid of his daughters hurting....yes. Longterm .....no


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There have always been men who drift from woman to woman, planting their seed, having multiple babies with multiple women, never taking 100% responsibility for the many families that they start for no other reason than careless self-gratification. Your H appears to be one of those men. By the time he is older, he will have a passel of children who nominally call him 'Dad,' but who don't really know him or truly respect him. He will have a history of hit-and-run baby maker and father and he'll be on his latest mistress whom he casually introduces to his many children when he sees them. The kids won't care about the latest gf. They'll be living their own lives, to which their father is just a peripheral element.

Better to take them out of this picture now, OP, in my opinion. Be a single mom who shows them the love and devotion that at least one good parent can give them. As others have said, your unrepentant WH is a sucky role model at best. I think he's a half-hearted husband, father, boyfriend and probably human being - someone who drifts along doing whatever.

I hope you get out and take tight hold of the reins for your all of your children.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes, that's true, but the symbolism is important. If you do nothing on the verification front, then upon what would you even base rebuilding any trust what so ever? No matter what you decide as far as staying or going, you're going to have to deal with him in regards to your child.

It's also a handy line in the sand to demonstrate quickly and clearly his commitment, or lack thereof at that moment. If he balks, there's your unambiguous answer. If he capitulates, at the very least you make it more inconvenient to carry on with his AP.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Update - 

I read and re-read all of the advice to my thread. Sometimes you know what you should do but are too afraid or to much in denial to admit but can you really say you dont know this yourself? He's away on business and I've asked him to meet me for coffee on Sunday when he gets back. 
I do plan on asking him for full disclosure . Not because I have much hope on R . A true R anyway but because I want to prove to myself AGAIN that he's NOT going to want to do this. The R is SO much work from what I read and know I need and its a mixture of me not having enough in me to want to ask all for all that work and two......the fact that I know he will disapoint. I know deep inside that even if he agrees, its NOT going to be at 110%. However I will ask and I'll post his responce here. 

I plan on address all of my feelings. I go from what is best to what is easiest to what my kids need, to what I need, to what makes me happy, to what makes my kids happy, . Its a nightmare. 

Nothing has changed in my home since I found out. I made sure of that for my children but he's benefited from this as well. ITs time for change. Its time for the "TALK". I will do everything in my power NOT TO ASK ABOUT THE MISTRESS as I dont want to give her anymore attention then he has already. 

You all will see, my update after Sunday will be exactly what Im sure you already see as a dead end conversation.


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