# A Letter To My Wife



## DaniBack2016 (Sep 18, 2015)

Eileen,

I have to be honest with you and come clean for a few things. I am not sure when this happened, but my feelings for you have changed dramatically. I do love you in the fact that you are my wife and I care a great deal for you. However, lately I have discovered that my love has faded. I have been trying to find ways to bring it back, but I believe that my heart was never truly free to love again. I avoided issues of the heart and now I have caused an issue that I am not sure can be repaired. 

Most importantly that this time I have come to a decision that will greatly challenge us. I do not want any more children. I have been battling this for quite some time trying to make sense of it. It is not that I don’t want any children. It is that I cannot produce any children. The doctor at the fertility clinic informed me that I can no longer produce children. This has taken me to a dark place where I do not want children at all. I do recognize a need for adoption, but in my heart I feel that I could not raise someone’s child either. I know that you want children, but I cannot give you what you want. 
This is not fair to you that I continue to doubt my love for you and our future. I am not sure where this will take us or what will happen. At this point I believe that we should attend counseling and see where we can make positive changes. If that is something that you cannot do I understand. I cannot promise you anything about how I feel or if I will fall back in love with you. I can promise that I will make every effort to try. I am so sorry to put you in this position, but we need to go through this to see if this will make us stronger. If it does and we can continue or marriage and forever be in love and together. If it does not then we need to make a serious choice on what we want. 

I can tell you that there is a large part of me that wants to be alone and just live my life. I must be clear in saying that although I want is us to try to work on our marriage. If you feel that you are better off without our struggle then by all means we will get a divorce and close our chapter. I cannot say whether or not I will fall in love with you again. I just need you to understand that and be prepared if we do not wind up separating and getting a divorce.


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

I wrote a letter to my wife explaining my feelings and what I assumed to be wrong a few months back.
She was furious because I did not talk to her but rather write and because she did not think I made any sense.

Two months later she admitted repeatedly that the points I raised were valid and true and that I opened her eyes. Due to having the letter which she could read again whenever she wanted, she could check on what I said/wrote. This is how she finally came to believing me. No distorted memory of heated arguments to warp the picture.
But still she remains furious until today because I wrote instead of speak to her.

I wrote because I did not see that we would have been able to discuss one single point raised in this letter without a serious fight put up by her. Talking it would take days to bring everything across and it would be distorted by emotions, wrong choice of words and misunderstanding. A letter is clearer and you are emotionally more under control while writing. Hence less errors which could ruin a dialogue from the beginning are bound to happen. This is why I opted out for the letter. I still believe it was the right way to do it. But you should really make sure that you believe that is the same for you. 

From what I read there are is no blaming, no putting fault to your wife. That is why I would rather try to talk to her. if you still insist on the letter, I would leave the last part out. This goes without saying anyway but could be perceived as a direct or indirect threat. It also discredits your emphasise on being willing to try resolving the issue. Please think about that.

Regards

asdfjkl


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Does your wife have any inkling of these issues you raise? If not, speak to her first. There is too many things in here. Also you seem to be confused yourself or trying to protect yourself from hurt. 


You are also sending mixed messages, leave the marriage, work on the marriage etc. this letter will break her heart.

Do you love her or not or is this a defensive mechanism because you cannot have children.

You say you don't love her, is this due to the stress of trying for kids?
Then you say you might fall in love again, is this to give her a way out?
If so, I think that that is a cruel way to do it.
Speak with her, one issue at a time.
Therefore there are two convoluted issues

Whether you love her or not
The fact you cannot have kids

Are you absolutely sure you are not throwing the first one into the mix to leave an open door for either of you to escape?

You have to be honest. Perhaps the love is gone due to stress. Take one step at a time, i.e. The kids issue and then go to counselling


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I got a letter like that from my husband, I would just sit down and discuss divorce.

I am not saying that is a bad thing at all. It could probably be freeing for both of them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I hope she at least knew something was wrong in your relationship before getting this email. How did she not know about your fertility issue? Do you already have children?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

jld said:


> If I got a letter like that from my husband, I would just sit down and discuss divorce.
> 
> I am not saying that is a bad thing at all. It could probably be freeing for both of them.


What would you say to a guy though, if you received a message like that from his wife?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> What would you say to a guy though, if you received a message like that from his wife?


Do you mean if he received that message?

Well, it depends on how much he wants kids. Going child free for life when you always wanted to be a dad would be tough. You would really have to love the woman.

As to reigniting her love for her, sure. I think that could be done, or at least a decent attempt made.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

How insensitive and cowardly. If my husband were to write that letter to me instead of sitting me down and telling me to my face, I would file for divorce the next day because I would consider him a coward!! If you are finished with her at least be man enough to tell her to her face. The letter pissed me off and I don't even know you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> What would you say to a guy though, if you received a message like that from his wife?


**** or get off the pot.


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## lurky.lou (Aug 31, 2015)

This letter is long and confusing. What is the point? Do you want to stay married to me or not? Do you love me or not? 

You should try to be much more direct. 

Example: Now that I know that I cannot be a natural father, I have decided to be childless. If you cannot except this I will agree to a divorce, however, I would prefer to stay married. I love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaniBack2016 (Sep 18, 2015)

Thank you for your feedback. I should have preface this before I submitted it. This was not a letter to my actual wife. It was a journal entry to try to understand my feelings so I can talk with her face to face. I have every intention to do this face to face. I absolutely agree with your comment and thank you for your feedback.


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## lurky.lou (Aug 31, 2015)

Thanks for updating. Personally, I don't see how a letter is cowardly. You still have to face her. I would want time to process this too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So I gather you've been getting some 'advice' from a friend lately? A female friend, who's been there for you and gets you? Has helped you see that your marriage is flawed?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A letter for this type of issue is pure chicken sh**.

If you're going to break someone's heart at least be man enough to do it face to face.

Cmon!!!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

karole said:


> How insensitive and cowardly. If my husband were to write that letter to me instead of sitting me down and telling me to my face, I would file for divorce the next day because I would consider him a coward!! If you are finished with her at least be man enough to tell her to her face. The letter pissed me off and I don't even know you.


I completely agree.

What a lousy way to bail on your wife. At the very least, TELL her all this first, in person. THEN write her a heartfelt letter that might help her absorb and digest what you are saying and feeling.

Is there another woman waiting in the wings? Because it certainly comes across that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Guys, read on. He has said it was just practice for the real conversation he's going to have.


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