# Looking for validation



## chowchewey (May 11, 2010)

I will try to keep it brief and to the point, but I need to know if my perspective is unreasonable, unrealistic, and/or just plain kooky. Please be honest - I can handle it.

We've been married for 23 years - 3 kids ages 20,18,13.

I view a marriage as having several components namely physical (sex, physical attraction, touching, hugging, etc.) and emotional (how the person feels, etc.). I firmly believe that each person's priority in a marriage should be to make the other happy by knowing what they want and actively trying to fulfill it. We have done a mini-survey (deposits in a love bank concept) before that highlighted each other's priorities and needs in many areas. We know how each other feels and what they feel is important in a marriage. I must also say my wants and desires have changed very little since marriage or even dating.

The problem(s): I veiw the physical attraction portion of our relationship as an important part. The issue is namely her weight. Ever since we dated she has known my feelings on this. She knows but yet does nothing to correct it. It hampers what she can do but she doesn't seem to mind it. I am not looking for a stick thin person but rather a reasonable weight. Even a little chubby would do. She comes from a family where being over weight is accepted.

The other issue is her lazyness. I literally do almost everything -cooking, cleaning, all outside work, helping with homework, etc. She does the laundry, reads books, watches TV, and talks on the phone. Again, the marriage didn't start out that way, but has evolved that way.

I have always had a pretty decent job. Before kids she did too, but we realized it would be better if she stayed at home with the kids. Now that they are older and about 4 years ago, she went back to work but only PT (3 days a wk). I suggested she find FT work, but she says she doesn't want to.

These issues have been going on for over 5 years. I have spoke to her many, many times - explained how frustrating it is to tell her the issues, only to watch as nothing is done or even attempted. I try to keep the frustration in as much as possible, but I know I say mean things and am not very thoughtful many times as a result. I am tired of being taken advantage of -she knows if something needs to be done I will do it so she will wait until that happens. I have lost alot of respect for her as a result of all this. She does not seem to feel one once of guilt.

So now I think I am at a decision point. I think, after all this time, I realize if she was gonna change she would have by now. 5 years is a long time to wait. She, on the other hand, is also tired of my verbal quips and lack of enthusiasm from being frustrated most of the time.

I am struggling to figure out if I am being unreasonable with my needs. I see other happy couples where one or the other is overweight. I see neighbors where, as a couple, they are working on a outdoor project. We have never done that - if asked she would say no. Also I am deeply worried about divorcing and not being around my 13 year old son (the other 2 are at college). The financial hit would be huge too. Otherwise I think I would have left some time ago.

So am I totally off base? Am I being unreasonable in my wants? Why wouldn't a person (assuming they wanted to be married) try their hardest to make the other happy? I know I would but don't bacause it would be one sided. Please help. Thank you.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

chowchewey said:


> The issue is namely her weight. *Ever since we dated she has known my feelings on this*. She knows but yet does nothing to correct it.


**emphasis mine**
Was she overweight when you started dating her, or is that a recent issue? If she was overweight to begin with then I feel you don't have a leg to stand on. If on the other hand her being overweight is a recent problem, then you have more of a "right" to want her to change.

If the weight issue is new, have you tried to get her to join a gym with you? Have you tried modifying your food buying and buy only more healthy foods?



chowchewey said:


> The other issue is her lazyness. I literally do almost everything -cooking, cleaning, all outside work, helping with homework, etc. She does the laundry, reads books, watches TV, and talks on the phone. Again, the marriage didn't start out that way, but has evolved that way.


Then why don't you two make a job chart and each take a # of household chores to do. Put it up on a dry erase board and check it off. 



chowchewey said:


> I am tired of being taken advantage of -she knows if something needs to be done I will do it so she will wait until that happens.


Why not trying to not do it and just leave it there. See how long it takes her to do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but this falls on your shoulders.

She is that way because you have allowed it to happen. Not the weight - you have no control over that - but the housework.

Time to set some boundaries. If I were you, I'd do one of two things - tell her that she can either go out and get a full-time job (at least 30 hours a week) or else she can divide the housework. Her choice. But you will no longer support her AND do all the work. If she refuses, cut off her access to money. Pay for what the kids need, and nothing more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for why? Why don't you ask her?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I think she knows that you're frustrated, but ask her why she isn't participating in the household chores or why she doesn't do anything about her weight. Maybe her weight is a medical issue. Try supporting her instead of condemning her. Do chores together, exercise together. Why don't you like the idea of her being overweight? If it's purely an aesthetic issue, who cares, but if it's health related, tell her that you're concerned about her weight and how it will affect her and you down the road and her ability to interact with any grandkids that may come down the road.

The goal is to discuss what you are feeling and why without condemning her. She might feel bad about herself and has let herself go and probably doesn't care to keep house for you anymore, but why? But if she doesn't want to change, there won't be anything you can do to get her to change. It has to come from her. Maybe counseling to talk about these issues if you can't resolve them together.


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## chowchewey (May 11, 2010)

Thank you all for the replies. I agree I have to some degree enabled her lack of participation in the duties. However, at the same time, some things have to be done and while they may not be emergencies, why wait if you have the time?

I have asked why, and the response I get is it the household chores are not a high priority for her. She believes that if there are more enjoyable things to do then one should do them and put off the not so enjoyable tasks. While I agree that outlook would be ideal, it is not always practical. She thinks I try to do everything to be controlling. Housework - controlling? Cooking - controlling? Give me a break.

The weight issue is not due to medical reasons - but it does complicate other issues such as joint pain and back pain. As far as why she choooses not to do anything about it she explains that it is very hard to do (I agree).

I have tried multiple approaches to help. I have tried not to actively discuss it thinking that she would prefer to approach it on her own. I have tried to help by suggesting how to eat better or exercise more. I have offered to take walks with her. At one time she joined a gym - without results and has since quit. None of these have yielded results.

I finally asked her last night if she ever plans on trying to fix the issues I have brought up. Her reply for the first time was no. She says the marriage is over. Obviously based on her past actions (or lack thereof) that has been the answer all along, but I kept wanting to believe one day things would change. But now I have the answer to my question and need to plan accordingly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry. But I'm glad you now know.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

chowchewey said:


> Why wouldn't a person (assuming they wanted to be married) try their hardest to make the other happy? I know I would but don't bacause it would be one sided.


I believe you answered your own question here. You can debate on who started it first, but the truth is you both harbor resentment towards one another. You for her not taking care of herself and her for you verbally attacking her. Unless one of you is willing to 'go first' to make your spouse happy without expecting anything in return (initially anyway) nothing will change. I see you both agree the marriage is over, but there is still hope if you're willing to make the first move.


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