# I was there for you...



## Chulo (7 mo ago)

Letting out some steam, thank you guys for being helpful in my process. I really appreciate it. 

Letter from a BS:

I was there...
I still don't belive were we standing right now, we had a beautiful life together. It's has been a month since I left and haven't talk with you, but it feels like a miserable year. 
How can someone change so quickly?

Do you remember when you were having a really bad time? I was there for you, I listen to your pain, I gave you my shoulder to cry, I let you cry and cry so you can set your mind free, because I knew the pain you were going through. I was there... Always.
When you told me how much pain you had lossing your mother, and that you wanted to die, I was there, nights without sleeping, holding you close so you can feel the love and warmth of my body, so your soul can rest, I'm here with you, I'm here for you, like I promised your mom. I did my best to get you out of this mess, I show you new ways of loving and caring for another person, I support you and help you get a job, but this was not enough for you. 

I let you go freely, I listen to your soul who was asking me for more freedom before getting pregnant, I understood that, we are all afraid of taking the next step in life, I trusted you, because you're a great person and committed one, but I was wrong. I was blind to your lies, I always thought that what we had was special, but I was wrong.
I thought that having a lot of male friends was good for you, you were always more social then me, I trusted you going out with friends and partying until the morning. I trusted you that when you felt down, when you are in need, when you felt lonely, that I was the first person you come to, but I was wrong.

I know, he's "better" then me, he makes more money than me, his parents bought him a house in the center of the city, he has a lot of friends and fake Instagram life, pretending is easy, being true is hard. Having tattoos all over your body is really cool, I know, I have a couple but I guess not enough. I don't own or have friends with boats, fancy cars and summer houses on the beach. But I have a soul and love, simple things in life comes free. I know, for you is not enough, sorry that I came from a different social economic world, yes I learned to work my ass since I was I child, my parents did enough so we can survive and i helped them all my life, you saw me like that, I pulled everything together for us, because family comes first for me. But still, not enough for you.

When people treated you bad, insulted you, disrespect you, you came to me, because you knew that I'm your "stone", and I will always support you. I will give you advice on life, yes I know, because I had to fight most of my life, and you knew that. That was easy for you. It was even more easy for you to gaslight me or manipulate me for your own benefit. 
It's easy to lie to me, of course, I'm naive and full of love, why wouldn't i trust the love of my life? 8 years is enough to get to know your partner, but again, I was wrong. We aren't that young, we had separated life before and expirience life with friends, traveling and having good times, we were serious about our relationship, so I thought, but I was wrong. 

You convinced me that I'm crazy, that I was imaginings things, when I ask you "how you doing, you're acting weird love, is something wrong?" But you replied that every thing is OK and I need to trust you because you wouldn't hurt me, in any way possible, but I WAS RIGHT.
I saw every red flag, and you keep saying that I was wrong. I WAS RIGHT. 

How can you live 2 life, hiding and lying so much? How could you begged me before I left that you love me, that you would do anything for me? You told me in my face that you want to be with him, that you're in love with him, that you want to try a different relationship with him.
Why did you keep monkey wrenching me? You didn't see that you killed me? That you ruined me and created a massive black hole in my chest?
You didn't see that I was in so much pain, and still keep playing with me?

You know, I wake up having nightmares about you two, my heart feels like a strainer, my heart is stabbed by a thousand knives, bleeding slowly and just waiting to die, NO-I won't kill myself because of you-you are not worthy,but you did kill me completely in all the other aspects of life. 
I have triggers daily, I see your beautiful face and your amazing body, I see you living with him, in my house, with my cat. I see people happy and in love and my chest hurts, I can't see movies or series, because it reminds me of us, spending time together, talking about the ideas and every single detail of those plots. I see myself becoming the father of our kids, but it's just a dream, a dream that will never happen.

I can't listen to the music that we loved so much, it's to painful remembering us singing and dancing to those tunes. Instead, I go back to dark/soulless music, the one that you don't like , because it's my only escape right now. 
I feel every single morning like reaping out my heart, because I wake up all alone, missing you and hating you, how could you do this to me? I know, this will pass, I will get to know a "better" person than you, but frankly, I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know if I ever will. 

My soul will never be the same, I will never forgive you, I will accept the facts and keep on living my life the best I can, but I will forget you and the great times we had, because it was all lies, like you are, a lying piece of ****, narcissistic individual who use and discard people as she will, without consequences. You don't deserve someone like me, you deserve a home wreck guy who will make you miserable and probably a BS too, or maybe you will do that to him, who knows? But I won't care. 

Yesterday the radio played Karma Police while I was driving, I cried and wonder if you felt my pain in your heart, because I was there for you... And you betrayed me.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

The pain...Makes me want to Puke...
The pain , I've been there. Sucks


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

This rings so true. Especially the part about feeling like you can never trust yourself again.

Does that cast a shadow for the rest of your life?


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## Chulo (7 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> The pain...Makes me want to Puke...
> The pain , I've been there. Sucks


I didn't put that in my text, but every morning I get that sickness feeling and it sucks. 
How long did you have that pain? I feel a bit better each day but the night are killing me.


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## Chulo (7 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> This rings so true. Especially the part about feeling like you can never trust yourself again.
> 
> Does that cast a shadow for the rest of your life?


I wish I had the answer for that right now, I would pay so much to know that now. It's like that urge of going to sleep and waking up 2 years from now, to see where I stand.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Chulo said:


> I wish I had the answer for that right now, I would pay so much to know that now. It's like that urge of going to sleep and waking up 2 years from now, to see where I stand.


It gets better, but I don't know yet just how much you can heal. I'm 3+ years out. in another relationship with a man who's been down his road. He's very understanding and patient, it's really nice and easy. But every so often, I'll be really happy then it will occur to me that happiness is fleeting, this could end in flames. 

However, I am fully confident I'll be ok no matter what, since I survived, overcame betrayal and went on to be happy again. Maybe that's as good as it gets? I dunno, it would be interesting if other BS further down the road would share.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

So I just took a look at your other thread. No wonder you're so morose! You can't start the journey to healing or even envision a better future if you're stuck in limbo.

Respectfully, you need to decide what you want for your life and work on achieving it. Otherwise, what's the use of philosophizing without taking action? It might only depress you further. Life gets better if you want it to.


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## Chulo (7 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> So I just took a look at your other thread. No wonder you're so morose! You can't start the journey to healing or even envision a better future if you're stuck in limbo.
> 
> Respectfully, you need to decide what you want for your life and work on achieving it. Otherwise, what's the use of philosophizing without taking action? It might only depress you further. Life gets better if you want it to.


I know what I want from my life, when I write the first thread she was fully lying to me, confusing me and manipulate me because I was blinded by love.
I know that she is gone, but I choose to leave her eventually, because she begged me to stay, offer even to quit her job, work from home, tracking and all that bullsh**, but I was over that. I didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth. I deleted every single picture and memories that we shared (made a nice fire to all the letters and card, gave away all the clothes that she gave me, I have nothing to remind me of her except my brain) 
She keep trying to contact me after I left, but I was ignoring her call and messages . Until I manage to change my number then the silence begun. 
I deleted every single way for her to contact me, and now I'm a better place with myself. I feel I'm on the right path but still mourning on the lost of my relationship and dreams. I hope this pain will get easy by the day, I'm working on myself daily, including workouts and learning new personals skills for my future job(I have the final interview tomorrow 🤞) so I'm trying my best, but I need to vent her and there, I don't have that many friends who can I trust with my pain.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Chulo said:


> I know what I want from my life, when I write the first thread she was fully lying to me, confusing me and manipulate me because I was blinded by love.
> I know that she is gone, but I choose to leave her eventually, because she begged me to stay, offer even to quit her job, work from home, tracking and all that bullsh**, but I was over that. I didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth. I deleted every single picture and memories that we shared (made a nice fire to all the letters and card, gave away all the clothes that she gave me, I have nothing to remind me of her except my brain)
> She keep trying to contact me after I left, but I was ignoring her call and messages . Until I manage to change my number then the silence begun.
> I deleted every single way for her to contact me, and now I'm a better place with myself. I feel I'm on the right path but still mourning on the lost of my relationship and dreams. I hope this pain will get easy by the day, I'm working on myself daily, including workouts and learning new personals skills for my future job(I have the final interview tomorrow 🤞) so I'm trying my best, but I need to vent her and there, I don't have that many friends who can I trust with my pain.


It gets better, but only if you shut the door and lock it behind you. Are you divorced?


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## Chulo (7 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> It gets better, but only if you shut the door and lock it behind you. Are you divorced?


The papers were filled, but she didn't sign them, she has a period of time until the court gets involved.
But from my part, everything is set for divorce.
I hope it doesn't get ugly, I think it will be too much for me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Chulo said:


> The papers were filled, but she didn't sign them, she has a period of time until the court gets involved.
> But from my part, everything is set for divorce.
> I hope it doesn't get ugly, I think it will be too much for me.


I'm sorry she's making it harder for you. All she can do is delay the inevitable, so it's just a matter of time. I hope she lets you go as you wish. Good luck!


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