# In or Out?



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

So, I've posted other places here, but I need some random opinions on whether or not I should call it.

I've screwed up. I've had a ton of resentment that built up from me not being able to talk to my wife and disagree with her like responsible adults. I've also had a lot of resentment build up over the years with the fact that I pour so much effort into making her happy and it's never enough - she tells me at least 2x a week that I don't love her and that she puts all she has into loving me. I ended up having an addiction to pornography, and when the resentment and frustration with my wife built up to be really high, I even had cyber sex with several other women. Never made any move physically or even flirted with another woman.

Since being married, I have made about 80% of the income, and the last 6 months been giving it all to my wife. She now goes to school full-time. I do just about everything I can for her. I filled out her immigration papers for her and then paid 1800 dollars for a lawyer to do it because she wouldn't (claims she was afraid of making a mistake). Then she tells me how important school is to her, but yet I had to fill out and write her entrance essay because she almost missed the deadline. I've filled out scholarship applications for her, all she had to do was write a little statement and mail them in, and she never did it once - and we're hurting for money b/c she makes about $200 a month and we live in DC and have a new house. I used to cook for her, but stopped because it was never what she was craving at the moment or it was too bland and healthy. I clean up the kitchen and pick up affter both of us and she tells me how she constantly cleans the house. It's BS, she only cleans like mad right before her family or other guests come, never when we actually live there. I do laundry (she does help there, but it takes her 4 hours to iron 5 items of clothing), I pay and managed all the bills. She refuses to do online banking with her bank which makes my life a lot harder and it would only take 10 minutes to sign up. She screams at me violently when we fight. She recently woke up hysterically balling at 4 am saying "i can't sleep and I have to go to school in 3 hours". I angrily said calm down, take some nitequill and get at least 3 hours of good sleep. She said "I can't it knocks me out for 8 hours" I said take a half dose, she said, that's 4 hours and I have to drive in 3 hours, that's dangerous. I said do you need to go to the emergency room. She said no, I said is there anything I can do for you (still angry at her ridiculous reaction and refusal to take any medicine) - she said no, just leave me alone. We kept fighting and she left the room, i rolled over and fell asleep. Turns out she took herself to the emergency room, never said a word to me. Told the nurse that her husband wasn't with her because he hates that she's sick and doesn't want to be around her!!! She's blaming me, the one who suggested first to take her there!

This is my life every 2 weeks or so. I put up new shelves in the closet for her to have more space for her clothes and she accuses me of doing it because I want her to be more clean and says I should have just bought her more flowers. I skip the gym to come home early and she's pissed because I had to work a little extra. I've been working 8-10 extra a week to pay for counseling, etc. and she hasn't worked extra at all (she only works 7 hours a week to begin with). I work 50 hrs a week and go to business school part time.

She has to have the house at like 73 degrees in the winter to be comfortable. I sweated myself to sleep all summer because it was like 78 degrees in our house and now I still have to crank the heat or I'm the reason she's sick or can't sleep.

I'm worn out, exhausted, and still taking all the blame for everything. We recently sat down and calmly agreed that this just isn't working. I asked her if we could just settle this like adults and she said yes. I said everythign we had accumulated together as a married couple we could just split evenly (even though I made 80% of it). She said she wanted half the house, and I said well I put 4 years of my hard savings into the house to be able to buy it, and I at least deserve to get that back. She FLIPPED. Screamed "How dare you, if you have any dignity left you wouldn't do this, you ruined my life, you're such a horrible person, I'm going to get my whole family behind me and we're going to take you for every penny you have. you think I'm a ***** (never said that), you haven't seen anything yet. I'm going to make your life hell!.......

The sad thing is I love her, I just wish I could move to an island and lay next to her the rest of my life. It kills me, but I'm miserable, she's like a deamon to live with. I've been in counseling working like hell to figure out my addiction and it's gone completely unappreciated. She even refused to install software to help me when I was pleading her to do so. She did in the next day and made a comment "I always give in and do what you want!"

Insanity? Should I just move on????


----------



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

sorry, I just had to get a lot out, thanks for taking the time to read through things and let me know what you think.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> Insanity? Should I just move on????


ahhh SA. i hope you dont quit. i know there was so many times i wanted to quit, too. I thought he was the worst person god put on this earth. i was pretty sure he was the devil incarnate. 

you know when you go to the gym and workout, it can hurt if you work out hard enough. If you have a really good workout, its gonna hurt. and you'll feel the effects for awhile. you'll be sore, and maybe exhausted. but its a good thing. if you arent sore, then you arent gaining any muscle. 

you're getting an emotional workout right now. its going to hurt. you're going to be exhausted. Pain is not a bad thing if you realize it means you are growing. 

First things first though, you need to tell her that if she verbally abuses you again you will not talk to her for a day. Or think of some kind of consequences that she would really hate. dont lay down the line out of malicious intent. do it b/c you want to feel better.

Hows approaching her in anger and resentment working out for you? Maybe you should try a different approach.


----------



## end of my rope (Nov 19, 2008)

time to leave she dosn't care about you she just wants what she thinks she deserves, she will not change and will go on until she gets everything from you


----------



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

I've approached her in every way imaginable. in fact this past time she went off I said can we talk about this and do this like mature adults? she agreed and then 2 minutes later went hysterical. I never raised my voice at all. It's insanity.............I can't believe you're telling me to not give up. I'm toast, I've been dealing with this issue for 3 years.

she has serious issues from her father cheating on her mother many times in front of them when they were little kids, she used to be anorexic, and odly as soon as she moved out of their house, she was cured of anorexia, but I think instead of internalizing her fear and pain from her father and mother, she took it out on me, and that's what I've been dogding bullets from for 3 years.............. this sucks!


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sounds to me like it's time to move on, dude. Get a good lawyer and get out of hell. 

Document everything. Keep a journal. Write it all down. 

It sounds to me like she's trying to get you to be her sugar daddy. 

If she's in school, SHE needs to make the effort; that's what school is for. 

I realize you love her, but you've got to wake up. You deserve much better than her.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> It's insanity.............I can't believe you're telling me to not give up. I'm toast, I've been dealing with this issue for 3 years.


Ya, i am telling you not to give up. i know everyone will tell you to leave because she's "nuts". i cant tell you to quit b/c i feel our situations are so unbelievably similar and im not willing to quit in mine. 

You say she's hysterical? She starts screaming and all that? ok. i have actually taken a rock to my H's car, scratched it all up, smashed in the windshield, and ripped off the windshield wipers. I have taken a hammer, in front of him, and smashed his playstation to bits. broke every dvd/cd he owned. and oh ya, i did the screaming bit as well. there are other things that go beyond hysterical, that i have done. i know your wife is nuts. im probably worse then she is, im guessing. I know exactly what i am asking you not to leave.

on the flip side, i think i know your behavior in all this pretty well, too. i know she's nuts but i happen to know that you are too.

everyone would have told my H and i to quit, too. I can just see people reading what ive done, shaking their heads thinking, well i would never... but if my H and i make it through this, i think our relationship will be stronger then anyone i know. and i will be stronger then ive ever been. my H has made some amazing breakthroughs too. he's a completely different person now.

There is one thing i would agree would call it quits. If you and her are not in counseling, separately. If she will not go to counseling, then ya, i would agree its time to go. my H knows that if he quits counseling then i will quit the marriage.


----------



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

thanks for the advice guys. it's just sooo freakin hard to let go. i may give it a few more counseling sessions. i'm talking with her sister's husband today, he know my wife longer than I (although not better), and has heard her side of things. he think we just don't communicate to each other on the same levels at all and constantly send mixed signals. ... i don't know, i feel helpless. talking to a laywer this afternoon.

As far as documenting everything...i had a prenup signed before the marriage and cannot find the copy - could have been taken???

UGH............


----------

