# ladies sex rank



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Now that my self esteem has taken a huge hit..and im in my mid 40's i have to get out and start over. My ws is handsome charming and very sexual. He is my stbxh. He is desired by many. Thats just his looks n sexuality. On the inside well lies a man with hatred. So moving along...he has shown no sexual interest in me in years. I think i rank below him. His hs gf of many years was and still is gorgeous. So...i think i need to increase my rank. but i dont know what i am. How does a female determine her rank.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I do believe that sex ranks are real and can come into play in a relationship. However from my observation sex rank only matter in a negative or empty way. There is no meaningful value in a high sex rank. Any value plsced on it is shallow. I can say this because my H has a high sex rank but it was only helpful in my very first encounter with him as a 14 year old that attracted me to him. When we actually got in a relationshp 4 years later it was his treatment of me that mattered from that point. In fact I resisted sex with him for fear of becoming just another notch on his bedpost so he sex rank was actually a negative in that aspect. Although he was guilty of using his sex rank in a negative way before that he made a decision to turn away from that and be a better person. That is ehat made me head over heel in love with him. 

I say all that to say if you buy into sex ranking that much you could be in danger of making another bad choice. If you just focus on being as healthy and fit as you can, care about your appearance and follow it up with action and be the best person you can be that is what's really important and meaningful. There are many men out there that are only looking for that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

notadoormat said:


> I think i rank below him. His hs gf of many years was and still is gorgeous. So...i think i need to increase my rank. but i dont know what i am. How does a female determine her rank.


Your post comes off as really insecure. No offense. You need to get it together. Stop comparing yourself to WS or his GF and anyone else.

I personally think the whole sex ranking is stupid. 

If you want to look nice, dress up, do your hair/nails, get to the gym. Eat well, laugh and SMILE. Nothing is sexier than happiness and confidence.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

By how much she loves herself. By how positive she is about her own being. 
Taking the time to have her hair nicely fixed, to eat healthy and exercise she increases her rank. But there is no measuring stick. There will always be someone younger, prettier and slimmer than us. That is a given. But the point is we are looking for ONE good man who loves us, warts and all. WE don't need a hundred guys thinking we are hot. 
There are some very 'perfect' looking women out there who get cheated on and abused by men. In fact my experience has been that the more 'glamourous' a woman is the less stable her relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

indiecat said:


> By how much she loves herself. By how positive she is about her own being.


:iagree:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Your post comes off as really insecure. No offense. You need to get it together. Stop comparing yourself to WS or his GF and anyone else.
> 
> I personally think the whole sex ranking is stupid.
> 
> If you want to look nice, dress up, do your hair/nails, get to the gym. Eat well, laugh and SMILE. Nothing is sexier than happiness and confidence.


There ya go.Yup.

When you get out there and start dating the men you will attract are the ones you feel you deserve. Sounds crazy but it's true. If you think you're not good enough for the good,sweet,honest men out there then you won't attract them.You'll attract narcissistic little jerks who will cheat on you and break your heart bc they know they can.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My sex rank is dependent on my assessment of myself. I have no illusions that in late middle age that my sex rank is the same as it was one I was young, but I'm not into trying to attract young men!

OP, make the best of yourself at all times (healthy diet, exercise, skin/hair/nailcare and tasteful clothing), never stop learning new things and do things that increase your confidence and self-esteem.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I always felt that when you're younger,it's all about your outer beauty.Then as you grow and learn it becomes about your inner beauty. You still take care of the outer by eating right,exercising,dressing in a style that suits your personality,etc but you cultivate your inner beauty a bit more. At least that's how it's shaping up for me. 
I've noticed an uptick in my volunteering,learning new hobbies,becoming interested in TM,and all sorts of other things. When it used to be that I was all about fashion,my appearance,and trendy topics.It leaves you feeling empty and worthless after a time which ultimately,if you believe in sex rank,pulls your sex rank down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> My sex rank is dependent on my assessment of myself. I have no illusions that in late middle age that my sex rank is the same as it was one I was young,* but I'm not into trying to attract young men!*


Dammit, Cosmos! I always forget that you are a woman! LOL :rofl:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Dammit, Cosmos! I always forget that you are a woman! LOL :rofl:


Tee hee


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thanks ladies. I got my baby book recently and interstingly it says i have no confidence. Age 3 i think it was. My grandma always critiqued me growing up. I have spent a major part of my life being rejected and or used. Im not talented in areas i wish i was ..singing n dancing. My body n face are slightly asymmetrical which was pointed out by teacher at school in front of everyone as she held my hair back to show. I havent found anything im real great at yet. Im starting a new life this year with appx three friends in my life. Two are long distance. I hate going out alone but when i have i dont turn heads anymore. I am going into this new life with hope. Just unsure where to begin. Thanks so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> thanks ladies. I got my baby book recently and interstingly it says i have no confidence. Age 3 i think it was. My grandma always critiqued me growing up. I have spent a major part of my life being rejected and or used. Im not talented in areas i wish i was ..singing n dancing. My body n face are slightly asymmetrical which was pointed out by teacher at school in front of everyone as she held my hair back to show. I havent found anything im real great at yet. Im starting a new life this year with appx three friends in my life. Two are long distance. I hate going out alone but when i have i dont turn heads anymore. I am going into this new life with hope. Just unsure where to begin. Thanks so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have a laundry list of items against yourself... Not a good viewpoint.

Your attitude alone can make a tremendous difference in your appearance and your happiness.

But it sounds like there's a lot your not happy about and would like to improve if you can, so like you said, you simply need to start somewhere.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Yes. I have many things i do like but i really want to build on it. My friend was talking about his sex rank and i remembered reading somewhere on here about it but i couldnt remember where and i was wondering how people determine their numbers. How you know your a 4 or 5 etc. Maybe it was in the mens forums. One thing i am going to do is build on my cooking abilities by learning new ethic foods. I love to cook and bake. I also want to learn..or become more confident in the intimacy dept. Im not vanilla by any means but im no porn star as well. Im always wondering if im good enough can be better etc. But i need a partner=D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> Yes. I have many things i do like but i really want to build on it. My friend was talking about his sex rank and i remembered reading somewhere on here about it but i couldnt remember where and i was wondering how people determine their numbers. How you know your a 4 or 5 etc. Maybe it was in the mens forums. One thing i am going to do is build on my cooking abilities by learning new ethic foods. I love to cook and bake. I also want to learn..or become more confident in the intimacy dept. Im not vanilla by any means but im no porn star as well. Im always wondering if im good enough can be better etc. But i need a partner=D.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need to be a model, but you can be better. It takes time... Years even. But it is an accumulative effort so you will gain over time if this is what you choose.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Ill will try to explain this where it makes sense. Being sexy ia not entirely based on looks. Some women are just flat gorgeous, but some of those women are not very sexy. On the other side of that coin there are some women that maybe not be as pretty but are very sexy. One of the sexiest women I've ever known was probably a 6 or 7 in looks but was a 12 on being sexy. Its the total package on being sexy. Looks, attitude, the way you carry yourself. I have never been overly attracted to the super model women. They are nice to look at but most are not super sexy. I think the everyday women with nice curves and pretty smile are sexier.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tornado said:


> Ill will try to explain this where it makes sense. Being sexy ia not entirely based on looks. Some women are just flat gorgeous, but some of those women are not very sexy. On the other side of that coin there are some women that maybe not be as pretty but are very sexy. One of the sexiest women I've ever known was probably a 6 or 7 in looks but was a 12 on being sexy. Its the total package on being sexy. Looks, attitude, the way you carry yourself. I have never been overly attracted to the super model women. They are nice to look at but most are not super sexy. I think the everyday women with nice curves and pretty smile are sexier.


Part of your sexiness will be your sexual confidence. Also a nice woman ( not a doormat ) makes a man feel so good. 

If you are getting into upgrading your style and dress a bit, it'll happen faster if you are around other women who it is important to them too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> thanks ladies. I got my baby book recently and interstingly it says i have no confidence. Age 3 i think it was. My grandma always critiqued me growing up.That's bc grandma was insecure within herself.She had to cut someone down to make her own doubts look lesser. I have spent a major part of my life being rejected and or used.Careful not to fall into that victim mindset hon.Remember you had/have the power to protect yourself from users,you're choosing to be vulnerable to users on some subconscious level. Im not talented in areas i wish i was ..singing n dancing.dont we all wish we could be talented and graceful in that way? very few of us really are talented naturally.It's something most have to cultivate on their own. My body n face are slightly asymmetrical which was pointed out by teacher at school in front of everyone as she held my hair back to show.This is something you MUST let go.There are so many ladies considered beautiful who don't have perfect faces.Before you can feel beautiful your idea of beauty needs to be expanded to include that which does not get shown on the cover of Vogue. I havent found anything im real great at yet. Isn't it more fun to be good at a bunch of interesting things than to be that girl who is really awesome at one thing her whole life?Im starting a new life this year with appx three friends in my life. Two are long distance.small circles of friends are so therapeutic.Minimal drama,no pressure,no one feels left out,etc.Large gaggles of girls running around? Who needs that? Really. I hate going out alone but when i have i dont turn heads anymore.Is your body language open to receiving people? Are you looking straight ahead with blinders on or are you actively seeing people and walking with confidence? Sometimes people won't approach a lone woman bc they feel she doesn't want to be bothered. Often times we are getting checked out plenty but don't even realize it bc we're so busy in our own heads. I am going into this new life with hope. Just unsure where to begin. Thanks so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have no idea how you look or what you're like, so I have no idea how you rank. I'll list a couple random things that make a woman more attractive to ME. Your mileage may vary. Shorter dresses, longer hair, more agreeable and adventurous in bed, boots, HWP (my wife's BMI is 21.3), adventurous and outgoing outside of the bedroom. There's more, but my point is mostly that it's all stuff that you have control over. An asymmetrical face wouldn't put me off I think. Also notice that things like cooking and cleaning are not on the list. In my mind, Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray do not have high sex ranks (although Giada does).


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

w.o.m...i pm'd you my phys desc. I forgot to add as far as in bedroom i never said no to anything. I did say i would think about 3some but we never went there. As much as a creep he has been he never made me have sex when i didnt want to nor made me do anything sexually outside my comfort. My downfall is too much light during times when i didnt lije appearance of body such as bloating etc. I think i held myself to high standards. He didnt care. I did. Which in hindsight backfired on me a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Dammit, Cosmos! I always forget that you are a woman! LOL :rofl:


I do the same thing!!!!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notadoormat said:


> w.o.m...i pm'd you my phys desc. I forgot to add as far as in bedroom i never said no to anything. I did say i would think about 3some but we never went there. As much as a creep he has been he never made me have sex when i didnt want to nor made me do anything sexually outside my comfort. My downfall is too much light during times when i didnt lije appearance of body such as bloating etc. I think i held myself to high standards. He didnt care. I did. Which in hindsight backfired on me a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's your problem - it's how you feel about yourself, physical and mental, that makes one sexy.

My ex wife was gorgeous and petite, with D cup boobs and a whole lot of other "good" things. To look at her, without knowing her, she would have been a 9 or a 10. Yep, that high. But she didn't feel like that one bit. She was always critiquing herself - too short, too fat (100lbs!!!!), smile is crooked, didn't like her boobs, butt or stomach. And on and on and on. It MADE her completely unsexy to me.

My current wife is beautiful, but not classically so. She's tall, voluptuous, has an amazing set of hips, etc etc etc. She knows what she has, and she uses it. She's also had two kids, and all the body changes that go along with it. But she carries herself well, doesn't critique herself (too much... all you women do that!) I know deep down she's not thrilled with what she has, but she doesn't carry herself negatively. THAT'S sexy.

Speaking as a guy with rather limited experience, I can say that all of my partners have been completely different from each other, in terms of figure, size, weight, looks, you name it. No two were alike, and frankly, a couple of them were on the, uh, not pretty side. But they made up for a lack of physical sexiness with a sexy attitude and outlook. I once dated a woman who was 230lbs (I'm about 175 myself). I also dated a woman who had the figure of a stick. This is not rare in men, especially older (or at least more mature) ones. If you're trying to attract 20-somethings and you don't have a porn stars body, then it's a little tougher. But the older we men get, the more we realize that sexiness is an attitude, not a physical thing.

The best sex I've ever had was with a full-figured woman who had 2 children (my wife). I'm unbelievably attracted to her. The worst sex I've ever had was with my ex-wife, the one who made heads turn everywhere she went. I wasn't attracted to her at all, in the end. Sure, she looked great on my arm, but forget about it in the bedroom. Ugh.

If you're not confident about yourself or your body, fake it. You don't need to wear short skirts and high heels to look sexy, and in fact, not very many women can pull that off confidently, anyway. If you fake it long enough, then you'll start to believe it.

What is it they say? Dance like no one's watching?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Notadoormat...have you ever heard "sexy is as sexy does" well it is all attitude really. I would not be considered the classic beauty at all. I am 5'1", small bone structure, 50 yrs old, medium long length blonde gray hair. But....I also am very buxom and make sure my cloths show off my assets, I go to the hairdresser and get highlights that make my long graying blonde hair look frosted naturally. I went to a boutique and got a consultant to tell me what design of cloths looks best on me and not "grandma" ish but "stylish sexy". Once you start feeling good about you and how you look...your natural confidence will start to emerge. You will find your style and that style will be sexy on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Just another note though this whole sex rank thing....just my two cents here. Physical sex rank is like having a college degree it gets you in the door...that's it, what you do once your in there is what counts. Once your in a relationship or married as long as l have been you realize appearances are nice but they are not what is most important. How often a women tells her man he is sexy and shows him she desires him physically....how often she lets him know he is the only man that rocks her world...how often she lets him know she needs him and how willing she is to trust him and try new things with him are more important and a lot more sexy than what outfit she has on or hair style or size of dress.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

mineforever said:


> Just another note though this whole sex rank thing....just my two cents here. Physical sex rank is like having a college degree it gets you in the door...that's it, what you do once your in there is what counts. Once your in a relationship or married as long as l have been you realize appearances are nice but they are not what is most important. How often a women tells her man he is sexy and shows him she desires him physically....how often she lets him know he is the only man that rocks her world...how often she lets him know she needs him and how willing she is to trust him and try new things with him are more important and a lot more sexy than what outfit she has on or hair style or size of dress.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right. She could be a perfect visual "10", but the worst relationship partner in the world. She can be vain, self centered, and never even consider you or your needs, the entire relationship can be all cost and no gain. After some while of this you'll tire of looking at it.

So a woman with a nice personality, who admires you, lusts after you, is helpful is many more points added into how "good" it is.

On the following points:

"How often a women tells her man he is sexy and shows him she desires him physically....how often she lets him know he is the only man that rocks her world..."

It's the mans responsibility to keep himself above and beyond a good level of physical attractiveness so that she can say this.


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## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

I don't really care so much. Also, how do we define this? Are we counting oral or just regular sex. There's variations, just like there are variations of intimacy. Having a one night stand with someone you don't know and having a deep relationship have very different affects on people and yet both involve sex.

Um nvm I haven't a clue what we are talking about. What is a sex rank?


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

notadoormat said:


> thanks ladies. I got my baby book recently and interstingly it says i have no confidence. Age 3 i think it was. My grandma always critiqued me growing up. I have spent a major part of my life being rejected and or used. Im not talented in areas i wish i was ..singing n dancing. My body n face are slightly asymmetrical which was pointed out by teacher at school in front of everyone as she held my hair back to show. I havent found anything im real great at yet. Im starting a new life this year with appx three friends in my life. Two are long distance. I hate going out alone but when i have i dont turn heads anymore. I am going into this new life with hope. Just unsure where to begin. Thanks so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am NOT the most beautiful girl in the world, I have an actual picture of the real me as my avatar so you can kind of see. I consider myself pretty but I am not very tall or "model" gorgeous or whatever....either way it is REGARDLESS. I think what makes me attractive to my husband and other people is...
#1. Confidence. Accepting that you are not and will never be the most beautiful and stil ROCKING IT.
#2. Self-Improvement. Looking your best at all times but also about your inner self. Weed out the insecurity, the doubt and the self hate and try to become a very outgoing, positive, whole person. 
#3. Personality. Cut out your negative personality flaws (or behavioral flaws) or at least hide them until you fix them. 

I think there is always room for growth and improvement and I think THAT is what is most attractive about people.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with alexm, it is about how you feel about yourself OP.

After I ended my marriage I went downhill dramatically, put on weight, did not care about myself and generally lost all my sex appeal. But the day my mind got back into gear and I made a decision to get on with my life then it all turned around.

Sex rank, I have no clue or care where I would be considered to be. The man that loves me is the only opinion I care about and he thinks very highly of me.

Get your mind into order, work on your attitude towards yourself and know that you deserve the best life has to offer and the whole process will fall into place.

Use your best features to your advantage and experiment with your style. I know it is my long hair, curvy body and nice boobs that give me an instant appeal to some men but the biggest winner is my smile and positive attitude. Start with something you like about yourself and go from there.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Your post comes off as really insecure. No offense. You need to get it together. Stop comparing yourself to WS or his GF and anyone else.
> 
> I personally think the whole sex ranking is stupid.
> 
> If you want to look nice, dress up, do your hair/nails, get to the gym. Eat well, laugh and SMILE. Nothing is sexier than happiness and confidence.


Hi notadoormat

I think Jellybeans is right.

Is not a competition to see if you find a more handsome man than your husband, is you finally finding someone that treats you as you deserve.

your husband sounds like a charmer, a player by nature, but think about it, why he choosed you as wife in first place if he could find a woman with maybe better looks and sexuality, answer is easy, men (specially men that have dated alot) recognize that looks are not as important as other qualities, yes dating the super hot girl is nice and you can have good times, but if her personality is rotten and spoiled and she love men attention you know that it will be disaster in ther end. 

if you don't beliveme visit CWI and read the cases there, there are many men there with beautiful wives but rotten personalities, at the time they were Young and inexperienced so they ignored the red flags thinking that it was something that it would change after marrying, obviously they were wrong.

my current girlfriend is the woman with who I have feel more close in my life, but by no means she is the more beautiful I have dated, I dated alot in my 20's I dated women that everybody knew in their communities as the hot girl, yes it was cool and yes many people see you with jeoulosy, but they expected me to be a giver and they never gave in return, I had to paid the VIP table in the clubs, if got distracted a Little they were flirting with other guys, if for some reason I was busy or unable to go to clubs or parties, they would go by themselves with their GFs, and the when I finally have my fun and ended the relatonship I was the jerk that used them (really?, most of the knew nothing about me). 

My current GF have a beautiful face, but she has never been voluptuous (she is skinny, atlethic, but with small boobs), so she sometimes feel insucure but I still think that she is the best of all, I feel loved, appreciated and reciprocated.

by no means I am telling you to not take care of yourself, as turnera said, excercise, eat healthy, dress nicely, go to the gym, but remember that you don't need to be the hottest girl in the room to be the best cath in there.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ok, I might be outing myself as a total ignoramus, but what exactly is a "sex rank?" :scratchhead:

notadoormat - every woman has something to show off - dainty wrists, full breasts, long eyelashes, shapely hips, etc. Figure out what your best physical features are and accentuate them. Something else I've figured out over the years - men love sexy bed hair, manicured nails/toes, and a healthy attitude/pleasant personality. 

A very wise lady once told me, "what you can't fix, you feature." One of my friends has a prominent bump on the bridge of her nose and she actually does her makeup to accentuate it in this sexy Cleopatra meets Angelica Huston way. Totally works - super glamorous. Another friend has a gap between her two front teeth and she's developed a great wide smile/nose wrinkle that shows it off. Men always remark how cute it is. 99% of it is in your attitude towards yourself. Love yourself, love your attributes, and love your flaws too. They make you who you are. 

In regards to upping your sex game - I highly recommend reading The Joy of Sex and oddly enough About.com has a walkthrough on every topic you can imagine. 

Sex How To's


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sex/social rank is a pick-up artist's means of measurement...meant to size up a woman's sexual/social value against his own. The theory is that women of higher perceived value will largely reject a man of lower perceived value. Men often do the same, but on the other hand, men will often target women of perceived lower value to have his way with her. In order to escape rejection or victimization, then the theory is that you work on your perceived value...then you will be treated differently. I think it is very human nature for people to look at their defects and want to hide/improve them to attract better suitors...

...however...

...just as the others say, this is garbage. Although there are some intrinsic behavioral things that make this a world where people do respond this way to each other...it is possible to find friends and a community outside of the "meat market."

And just as OP admits struggling with her own perceptions of herself...I am reading into it more than anything that she is hoping that her answer lies in attracting a better man. I argue that this is not going to fix her problems, that all those hurts and reminders of your deficiencies ought to be addressed before putting yourself out there again. I understand the fear of loneliness.

I would suggest taking a long season of getting to know yourself...and start developing an identity APART from what people HAVE said about you or what you worry they WILL say or think about you. All that matters is what you believe...and if what you believe about yourself is unworthiness of shame...then you aren't ready. Tear town all the negative reminders out of your life...people, places, things. Start surrounding yourself with good things that YOU like, with good people...and reject your inner dialogue...tell it to SHUT UP, until it can say nice things about yourself. When you start agreeing with a good belief system about yourself, you start living it, and walking in it...and becoming it. It is not a false front...it is genuine. Then, perhaps you are ready. It is not about finding someone that you can compete with in sex/social ranking...it is about connecting with people in healthy respect and awe...people that parallel your values and passions...not someone who you can get lost in, used, chewed, and spit out. It is about you finding your authentic, wonderful self and living in it and finding another person with a great soul like that too.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

What exactly is a 'sex rank'? I'm unfamiliar with the term.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> What exactly is a 'sex rank'? I'm unfamiliar with the term.


Athol Kaye coined the term, it's supposed to be almost a mathematical equation which can determine relative sexiness between individuals. It measures and weight's attributes and characteristics.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Huh. Guess I have to look for the text book on line.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

treyvion said:


> Athol Kaye coined the term, it's supposed to be almost a mathematical equation which can determine relative sexiness between individuals. It measures and weight's attributes and characteristics.


To be clear, Athol did not coin the term, nor did the pickup community. Anyone remember the movie '10' with Bo Derek? That was 1979. Your number on the scale from 1 to 10, as perceived by the opposite sex, constitutes your sex rank. Pickup may use the term, but also refers to SMI, (sexual market index)

For anyone that wants a very clear demonstration of how sex rank works, here you go:

Science of Sex Appeal - Out of Your League? - YouTube

Science of Sex Appeal- The Dating and Mating Pool 

To the OP, I'm going to give you the same advice that I give to the men in your circumstances.
Work on yourself. I say this with all due respect, we ALL have things that we would like to change, things we don't perceive as ideal. Be honest with yourself, but don't be overly critical of your self perception. Start somewhere. For guys I almost always recommend the gym. 

Find your fun. Smile. For no damn good reason, smile. Smile at strangers. I'm serious about this exercise. I did it. If you aren't comfortable with doing so at adults, start with babies and kids. Smile right at them.

Confidence does not determine sex rank. But as others have said, it is a huge contributor to how you see yourself, and you are the mirror for how others see you as well.

Set daily goals; eventually, take a risk and strike up a conversation. Start with "Hello." see if anything happens from there. Baby steps and soon enough you will be sprinting, with a big smile on your face and people will wonder, "Where is she running to and why is she so happy? Think I'll follow her to find out."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Deejo said:


> To be clear, Athol did not coin the term, nor did the pickup community. Anyone remember the movie '10' with Bo Derek? That was 1979. Your number on the scale from 1 to 10, as perceived by the opposite sex, constitutes your sex rank. Pickup may use the term, but also refers to SMI, (sexual market index)


I knew one through ten were used for a very long time. However it was always a gross calculations.

Athol Kay explained how different attributes and factors can affect it. So it wasn't 100% physical, personality could affect it, social status, earning, dress and appearance, lifestyle and other factors go into generating your sex rank



Deejo said:


> For anyone that wants a very clear demonstration of how sex rank works, here you go:
> 
> Science of Sex Appeal - Out of Your League? - YouTube
> 
> ...


Confidence and attitude makes a huge difference and can make the same face a couple of notches higher.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Years ago I pared the 10 rating system down to three. 1 - Hell yeah! 2 - Maybe, if she brings along a friend of equal or greater value. 3 - No chance. Makes things much simpler.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

You got it girl!!!!


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Thanks deejo. Im trying but constantly stepped on and stomped down. On a positive note i spluged on high protein shakes last week. 30 lbs underweight. I am finally gaining weight. Now if my posws would pay a bill i could buy some clothes. I have no wardrobe. Maybe i can just walk to the coffee shop in bra n panties..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> thanks ladies. I got my baby book recently and interstingly it says i have no confidence. Age 3 i think it was. My grandma always critiqued me growing up. I have spent a major part of my life being rejected and or used. Im not talented in areas i wish i was ..singing n dancing. My body n face are slightly asymmetrical which was pointed out by teacher at school in front of everyone as she held my hair back to show. I havent found anything im real great at yet. Im starting a new life this year with appx three friends in my life. Two are long distance. I hate going out alone but when i have i dont turn heads anymore. I am going into this new life with hope. Just unsure where to begin. Thanks so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Notadoormat Knock that nonsense off and get with the program.

People especially the OS pick up on that type of insecurity.

There is a woman that works in the financial department
Where I work She is not especially good looking *But Damn!!! *

Every guy in the place says the same thing she’s the one

She reeks of confidence and sexuality/ sensuality

Do something to and for yourself to get that feeling Baby Girl

55

ETA and start with NEVER EVER let anyone use or abuse again.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thank you so much. How can strangers be so caring..and the people closest to us be so cruel. Where i work is dress down. I wk outdoors. In inclement weather. Im not comfortable going out alone. Everytime i gain an oune of confidence someone steps on me. I have another surgery coming up to correct an eye problem. I am praying for good results so people stop pointing it out. I cry almost daily in private. I checked w my dentist to correct my crooked teeth. But i cant even afford my sons braces yet. So i have goals but by the time i achieve them..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Steps for improving your "sex rank":

1. Visualise yourself as being happy and sexy. Do this frequently. Feel how you imagine you'd feel as a happy, sexy woman. 

2. Focus on the positive future you. Instead of seeing yourself as underweight, see yourself as your sexy weight when you get to it. See it as though it is going to happen - like it's a memory, but of the future.

3. Hang out with positive people and have fun with them.

4. Focus on others instead of yourself. You can't feel bad about your perceived failings when you're having a blast with someone and connecting with them on their level.

5. Stop talking about your perceived failings. Because:

a) No one really wants to hear you complain, unless they have their own issues and hearing someone else feel lousy about themselves makes them feel better.

b) Even if they reassure you it will work against you, because confidence needs to come from yourself. When you rely on others to bolster your feelings you stop yourself becoming confident. Basically you're saying, "Oh, please, help me be self-confident!" It's a paradox.

c) You're just reinforcing the bad feelings when you keep talking about it. Stop paying the perceived failings any attention and they'll shut up and go away on their own. 

6. Tell yourself positive things like, "I'm okay and I'm going to be f'n fantastic!"


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

By the way, there are two ways to be sexy. 

One is by being exciting. The other is by deeply connecting. 

When you have one and not the other, men lose interest after a while. Some guys here have talked about hot women who they stopped wanting to have sex with, because there was no deep connection. And the opposite is also true. You can have a wife you're connected with, but who is a total slob and you feel kinda bad for her instead of being excited by her. 

Excitement, when it all boils down to it, comes from looking attractive and acting flirtatious. Connection, when it all boils down to it, comes partly from being genuinely interested in the guy and spending time with him. 

That's about it. True sexiness comes from a woman who takes care of how she looks, flirts with you (and not everyone else), pays attention to you, and wants to spend time with you. That's essentially all there is to it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Post # 41 & 42

Yup & Yup

55


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

yes so true. I am never complaining to my coworkers except one who i confided in and my ws has as well but weve been mutual friends for over twenty years. I always ask others about themselves as i have no life outside my kids. I have no friends to hang out with ..the couple i did moved. The other is home w sm kids n family n church stuff. 
I was not allowed to be deeply connected to my spouse. Although i confided in him and leaned on him during time of need once we had kids he put them first. We both did but when they got much older and i didnt feel connected i asked for his time. I was always told kid stuff first dont neglect them..i asked for a date once a month told no. Then he cheated. Saying i was not making him a priority. So idk. Im working on myself. I am looking up things to do and random classes to take that are cheap or free to meet new people. Ive been pretty isolated due to my wk sch and i dont hang out w co workers. They all know my spouse cheated. I want friends outside that drama. New fresh start. You guys are amazing. To me if my body n hair etc are sexy it makez me feel sexy. But i still lack inner confidence. I did rely on my ws for my confidence. His rejection of me stings. I have never been to a HS dance or prom. No romantic dates in 23 years besides one anniversary he planned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> thank you so much. How can strangers be so caring..and the people closest to us be so cruel. Where i work is dress down. I wk outdoors. In inclement weather. Im not comfortable going out alone. *Everytime i gain an oune of confidence someone steps on me. *I have another surgery coming up to correct an eye problem. I am praying for good results so people stop pointing it out. I cry almost daily in private. I checked w my dentist to correct my crooked teeth. But i cant even afford my sons braces yet. So i have goals but by the time i achieve them..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


notadoormat: Only if you allow them to

Again get with the program

We teach people on how we allow them to treat us

I am going to be hard on you on this point

First and formost

Stand up for yourself thats where you have to start.

You will be amazed on how you change people's perseption of you

55


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Don't beat up on yourself. Whenever I look in the mirror and find myself criticizing my flaws I tell myself to "shut up and go away." Really. You would never treat someone else with so much unkindness, nor would you stand and watch someone do the same. Takes some willpower, but you can learn to control those toxic thoughts.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Csquare said:


> Don't beat up on yourself. Whenever I look in the mirror and find myself criticizing my flaws I tell myself to "shut up and go away." Really. You would never treat someone else with so much unkindness, nor would you stand and watch someone do the same. Takes some willpower, but you can learn to control those toxic thoughts.


My STBW is mostly happy with her body. She managed to make it through 38 years and having two kids without a single stretch mark, no cellulite. She has the same hangups many women do though...boobs too small, too far apart, that kind of stuff, but generally is happy with her body. The only area she truly is upset about is her belly, and is frequently highly critical. I have used a similar strategy in that wen she becomes critical, I tell her to stop because I don't let anyone talk about her that way, and that includes her.

ETA: I also never avoid her belly when we are intimate, nor at any other time. It gets as much attention as any other parts. I did feel bad last night though. She has a belly button piercing that I have always found extremely sexy. I play with it quite frequently, and she really likes it when I do. I realized last night that I had never told her just how sexy I thought it was, and when I told her, she said she always thought I only played with it because I knew she liked it when I did...


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

my ws said to our sons he had beautiful xgf's. Our oldest looked at him with the look and ws said..oh..your mom is pretty too. Our son looked at me with pity and i went to my room.my ws said beautiful n pretty is the same. Ive seen n met his xgf's. They are model beautiful. Bodies great. Talented. Nice. Fun. I am not them. I am who i am. But im trying to at least be the best or make the best of. He recently told me his xgf will never have a hard time mtg anyone. Later told me i can get a halfway handsome guy. . I am told by family my sis is the cute one in the family. My grandma said i dont wear make up well. So many scripts. Im trying to erase. Its like finally standing up..to be stomped on again. I have eliminated most neg people in my life who hurt me but now im pretty much alone. No..i dont show anyone my pathetic voice. Just here. I wish for money for clothes makeup etc but all my money to bills. I have no allowance. Im considering skipping a bill n making a late pmt just to buy some jeans. I have two pairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Post your pic and we will tell you how wrong your are about your "looks"

55


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i wont post publicly 55. But maybe i can send to you privately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Only trying to make a point

Not necessary 

My pic on my profile some may see as a Fatce Brute

(Italian for ugly face)

I see a BAD MAN


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

ETA: We would all be happy to give you a confidence boost

but it would be more meaningful coming from within

You don't need a mirror to know that you are a beautiful person of value

55


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> My STBW is mostly happy with her body. She managed to make it through 38 years and having two kids without a single stretch mark, no cellulite. She has the same hangups many women do though...boobs too small, too far apart, that kind of stuff, but generally is happy with her body. The only area she truly is upset about is her belly, and is frequently highly critical. I have used a similar strategy in that wen she becomes critical, I tell her to stop because I don't let anyone talk about her that way, and that includes her.
> 
> ETA: I also never avoid her belly when we are intimate, nor at any other time. It gets as much attention as any other parts. I did feel bad last night though. She has a belly button piercing that I have always found extremely sexy. I play with it quite frequently, and she really likes it when I do. I realized last night that I had never told her just how sexy I thought it was, and when I told her, she said she always thought I only played with it because I knew she liked it when I did...


man, I wish I had your problems! good on you....


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thanks all. Youve cheered me up. I made an appt for a makeover.i have some extra overtime money. Im in debt deep but my heart n soul everyday feels punctured. Everday. My posws stbxh itold me this week i am no good at anything. He actually chose to take a half day off work to be at house to get kids to school..and tell me he cant stand me. Hates me. I suck at everything. As i started tk cry ...he looked at me and said...boo hoo..
He also does not want our mutual coworkers to know i am his wife and has been letting them think for years were divorced but refusing to discuss divorce.
When he went to bathroom i turned on a recorder and hid it. He began berating me telling me same stuff yelling and throwing pop bottles. He then took off. Now he tells me i am his only friend the only one who cares about him. Blah..
If i only had one friend...i would treat them royally. But the situation is...he knows i do deep down loved him and cared about him. But he resents me. He said he wants to hurt me emotionally..
Truth...i know i have no talent. I cant sing dance do sports . Ive always been subjected to childcare most of my life w no time to do anything for me. He is just telling me in a hurtful way what i already know. My mom put all this in my baby book too. She told me im not successful. So. I try to be on a quest to..
IMPROVE ME. Where do i start. How can i be good at anything. I humbly submit myself to needing advice. As my wise son told me...you have confidence knowing your good at something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He's abusive and he's eroded your self esteem to the point where you feel like you're nothing. But let me tell you, you don't have to sing or dance or have a 'talent'

Are you a decent person who doesn't like to hurt others and lives a generally good life? Well then that's good enough and better than a lot of people. Your focus needs to be on freeing yourself from this man if you can or you'll spend the rest of your life feeling worthless. 

And frankly I want to look back on my life and think 'yeah baby'


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> thanks all. Youve cheered me up. I made an appt for a makeover.i have some extra overtime money. Im in debt deep but my heart n soul everyday feels punctured. Everday. My posws stbxh itold me this week i am no good at anything. He actually chose to take a half day off work to be at house to get kids to school..and tell me he cant stand me. Hates me. I suck at everything. As i started tk cry ...he looked at me and said...boo hoo..
> He also does not want our mutual coworkers to know i am his wife and has been letting them think for years were divorced but refusing to discuss divorce.
> When he went to bathroom i turned on a recorder and hid it. He began berating me telling me same stuff yelling and throwing pop bottles. He then took off. Now he tells me i am his only friend the only one who cares about him. Blah..
> If i only had one friend...i would treat them royally. But the situation is...he knows i do deep down loved him and cared about him. But he resents me. He said he wants to hurt me emotionally..
> ...


Pure Rubbish

Don't let yourself down by believing this crap

I am sure that you have many redeeming qualities

55


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

:iagree:

Do not take what he says about you to heart. He's only wearing you down further.

Start building yourself up! Stop focusing on what you can't do. Think about what you can.

You spent much time on childcare. Are you loving and able to take good care of children? Fantastic! Not everyone can.

Have you helped others by doing something for them, or even just saying something nice to brighten their day? Sweet! Many are only interested in what they can get for themselves. 

Do you try hard to be a good person? Wonderful! Not everyone will bother.

You don't have to fix everything at once. Baby steps are all it takes. Try something new, and learn that you can meet challenges. Reach out to someone and see that your contributions will be valued. 

Remember all of your accomplishments and recognize that there can be more.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

all ive done most of my life is care for others..babes kids grandparents the disabled etc....never me. This morning he told me i was ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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