# Red flag or not?



## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

I've had many suspicions over the years about my wife having affairs, and these are all down to red flags. Now I know my wifes schedule inside out, and if she ever does anything different she lets me know.

Today I accidentally (whilst innocently googling something on her phone) found a strange post code in her google maps which is odd and very out of characters.

I searched for this post code online did a bit of snooping and this place is not near anywhere she would go, I know that for a fact. It's not near anything work related, friend related, or business/shopping/personal related. It's a street with houses in an area she would definitely not visit.

Do I have reason for suspicion here? My gut is telling me this could be another mans address. Can anyone give me any advice, and please don't ask me to use VARS etc like some of the other posts on here do I simply want to know if this is cause for concern? There is absolutely no reason for her to google map this postcode and no one else would or does have access to her phone.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

In and of itself, this is not a red flag to me. Having said that, what red flags did you find in the past to give you these suspicions? We need more background to help.


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## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

Previous red flags include...

Missing underwear, calling me on withheld then turning it off and calling back, snatching her phone off me and not letting me hold it, temper tantrums for the smallest things for absolutely no reason, being very cold and off and distant, withholding sex and saying she doesn't know why, doing new things in the bedroom with no explanation and getting angry when I question, keeping me away from her work colleagues (only met 3 once in 9 years), being very guarded with handbag work laptop and work phone, not being able to explain things when I ask such as 'where were you last wednesday' instead she repeats question back to me with intense shock not knowing what to say when it's a simple question. Tons of stuff like that...


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## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> In and of itself, this is not a red flag to me. Having said that, what red flags did you find in the past to give you these suspicions? We need more background to help.


I want to ask her more than anything why this address is in her phone, but I know if she can't answer me with a straight forward answer then I will think the worst, and also if she can't answer me with a straight forward answer without any beating around the bush, then am I right in thinking the worst?

After all I know memory for people is sometimes poor but if you get asked a question about a completely new area you've got directions for and you don't have an answer, that's not good is it?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You had MANY suspicions over the years about your wife having affairs, your gut is telling you this could be another man's address and you simply want to know if this is cause for concern? Yes. How would it NOT be a concern? 

Did you search the address on the internet? There are some websites, which charge a few dollars, where you can see who lives at the address. 

Is it an apartment or a house? If house, you can check your state or county's tax assessor's website to see who owns the residence. Those are public records. 

Is she doing drugs and that is the drug dealer's location?

There is absolutely no reason THAT YOU CAN THINK for her to google map OTHER THAN CHEATING. Caps are mine. The bigger issue is that you do not trust her for some reason. You need to work on that. It might be nothing to that google search but you certainly have trust issues to address with her. And if you have trust issues, why discount the VARs?

Hopefully you are not a jealous paranoid husband that flips out every time your wife even looks at a guy.

How about simply asking her about it???? Tell her you found this and it has been bothering you and you would like to discuss it with her?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Confused889 said:


> Missing underwear


Ok, my first post was before you added the extra details, so maybe you are not paranoid, but do you really count and inventory her underwear?


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## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> You had MANY suspicions over the years about your wife having affairs, your gut is telling you this could be another man's address and you simply want to know if this is cause for concern? Yes. How would it NOT be a concern?
> 
> Did you search the address on the internet? There are some websites, which charge a few dollars, where you can see who lives at the address.
> 
> ...


She would never do drugs, she's a very relaxed intelligent person with a good career, so that is a fact - although part of me has wondered if she does have another life, ie someone else.

I searched the address and it's completely residential, it's not even close (within 1-2 miles) to any kind of business, shop, anything, it's a road with a block of flats, and some houses also. It's very secluded in the middle of nowhere, well nowhere she would go anyway.

I know she would google map something in order to get there, that's a fact. She wouldn't google map an address for any other reason than directions. Yes I don't trust her at all, and yes I know it's bad we've had arguments for a few years and broke up at Christmas and got back together, it's been tough.

I don't like lowering myself to that level, but a private detective may be my only option. The problem is if she is having an affair it's 99.9% with a co-worker and they all work in a large shut off corporate building so unless she is seeing him outside of that (which would be before, after work, or at lunch) I don't have much chance of finding much information out.


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## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Ok, my first post was before you added the extra details, so maybe you are not paranoid, but do you really count and inventory her underwear?


No... one week I noticed what she wore, when I came to do the washing it wasn't there or anywhere to be found.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, lots of red flags. How's the weather under the sand?

I'm sorry, you already know how to find the truth and get some peace. 

Don't not get it put of fear of the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Confused889 said:


> Previous red flags include...
> 
> Missing underwear, calling me on withheld then turning it off and calling back, snatching her phone off me and not letting me hold it, temper tantrums for the smallest things for absolutely no reason, being very cold and off and distant, withholding sex and saying she doesn't know why, doing new things in the bedroom with no explanation and getting angry when I question, keeping me away from her work colleagues (only met 3 once in 9 years), being very guarded with handbag work laptop and work phone, not being able to explain things when I ask such as 'where were you last wednesday' instead she repeats question back to me with intense shock not knowing what to say when it's a simple question. Tons of stuff like that...


There are enough red flags here to outfit a Communist Party convention. The weird address is nothing compared to these.

If you want to know what is going on, you need to start investigating. You say you already know how to do that but don't want to. Why not?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is hiding something.

And yet you want no advice regarding a VAR?????

Please explain.


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## Confused889 (Jan 24, 2016)

the guy said:


> Your old lady is hiding something.
> 
> And yet you want no advice regarding a VAR?????
> 
> Please explain.


I just find it intrusive, I would rather hire a PI than do that just incase the VAR fell off the seat for example


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Confused889 said:


> I just find it intrusive, I would rather hire a PI than do that just incase the VAR fell off the seat for example


Intrusive? Please forgive me but that made me chuckle. You think your wife is banging another guy(s) because you found multiple red flags and your concerned about being intrusive? 

If you don't want to get your own hands dirty, and I can understand that to a point, then get the PI. Just don't stand there worrying and hand-wringing. You need to do something.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all YES it is a red flag in the context you have provided!

Secondly, you find using a VAR intrusive ?!?!?!? Another man's pen!s in your wife is intrusive! Using a VAR is protecting yourself!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
A strange zip code in google maps doesn't raise any alarms to me. Typeo. Accidentally clicking on an add. lots of things could result in a single case incident.

A pattern is different.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Check the phone records. See if she has multiple calls/texts to one number.

Plug the numbers into google/search engine to see what you can find out...

Always go with your gut.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

An alternative to a Var is a cheap burner phone with the where is my phone app on it to dip your toes in the water. Hide it in her car and use only that app on it. A phone with a good battery in it will not need to be charged for days and it allows you to check 
location for days. 

As to privacy issues. Your married. I personal think the only privacy I want, and she should want is to use the bathroom for the toilet. Is that controlling ? If you threaten her with harm. Big yes. If you refuse the same, big yes. If you tell her you can't do that, or else mostly likely if you say I respect your desire to live that way, but I will not so we need to part as friends, NO !!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hire a PI and find out why you can't even touch your old ladies phone with out her giving you shyt.

I believe even the laptop was off limits.....hell those are the real red flags IMHO

Since you do the laundry test her panties for semen. Obviously if there is a boat load she is smart enough to get ride of them but even a small discharge would give you a sample.

Now that's intrusive! LOL


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Confused889 said:


> Previous red flags include...


Hoo boy. Here we go.

_Missing underwear:_ Could be innocent (maybe it got a hole in it, or maybe a spot wouldn't wash out). By itself, slightly suspicious.

_Calling me on withheld then turning it off and calling back:_ I apologize; I don't know what this means.

_Snatching her phone off me and not letting me hold it:_ This raises my hackles. Moderately to highly suspicious.

_Temper tantrums for the smallest things for absolutely no reason: _By itself, this could be anything. Being irritable and looking to pick a fight can be the sign of an affair, though.

_Being very cold and off and distant; withholding sex and saying she doesn't know why: _ She has a reason. Either she doesn't want to admit it to you, or herself, or she's struggling with feelings that she's unable to verbally articulate. 

_Doing new things in the bedroom with no explanation and getting angry when I question:_ It could be that she's just been reading novels or spice-up-your-romance web sites. Getting angry about it suggests that she doesn't want you to know where she learned about it, though. Extremely suspicious.

_Being very guarded with handbag work laptop and work phone: _Depends on what kind of work she does. She could be handling confidential documents. 

_Not being able to explain things when I ask, such as, 'where were you last Wednesday?' Instead, she repeats question back to me with intense shock, not knowing what to say when it's a simple question:_ Highly suspicious. She's stalling for time as her brain is frantically trying to come up with a response. 

By themselves, one or two of these might not be a big deal. You've listed so many red flags, though. So. Many. Coupled with the strange postal code in her phone, and there is definitely something going on with her. 

Like others have said, follow your instincts. You get gut feelings for a reason. Don't try to rationalize her behavior. You have reason to be concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your list of red flags are not strong enough to prove an affair.

Two possible explainations:

1) She is having an affair.

2) She is not having an affair. And she is married to a jealous man who even monitors her underwear.

If you think she is having an affair, do whatever you need to do to prove or disprove it. If that means hiring a PI do it. Put a var in her vehicle for a week or so. (use adhesive backed Velcro to keep it in place.) If it turns out that she is not cheating, you need to get into individual counseling and deal with your jealously.

If I was not cheating, and my husband was montoring me the way you monitor her (checking underwear?) I'd being doing more than throwing temper tantrums, not letting him near by phone, or anything to do with my work for fear of him ruining my career.

And of course she does not let you onto her work computer and her work phone. You have no right to access to them. If she is having an affair, there would be enough stuff outside of equipment owned by the company to prove the affair.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have a bundle of red flags yet you still aren't putting much effort into finding the truth. What's it going to take? Discovering you have an STD?

You got an address, drive over there and check it out next time your wife isn't responding to your calls. It's hard to admit your spouse could be cheating on you, yet it happens every day and covers every demographic. I would lay off any questions or accusations for a few weeks, let her get comfortable and sloppy. You need to be hyper vigilant, pay attention to everything she does and says, you need proof, put some effort into it or you are just playing a fool.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and why did I bring up excessive jealousy? 

Because this thing of suspicion, monitoring her, interrogating her has gone on for years. Most people would deal with it pretty quickly to find out what's going on and to prove it to themselves one way or the other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Confused889 said:


> I want to ask her more than anything why this address is in her phone, but I know if she can't answer me with a straight forward answer then I will think the worst, and also if she can't answer me with a straight forward answer without any beating around the bush, then am I right in thinking the worst?
> 
> After all I know memory for people is sometimes poor but if you get asked a question about a completely new area you've got directions for and you don't have an answer, that's not good is it?


All sorts of addresses are in Google maps. It is because people pay to have them put there 

And many businesses operate out of residential areas.

So all might not be what it seems. 

However the other red flags?

Keep monitoring. And I hope that there is nothing for you to find. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Confused889 said:


> Previous red flags include...
> 
> Missing underwear, calling me on withheld then turning it off and calling back, snatching her phone off me and not letting me hold it, temper tantrums for the smallest things for absolutely no reason, being very cold and off and distant, withholding sex and saying she doesn't know why, doing new things in the bedroom with no explanation and getting angry when I question, keeping me away from her work colleagues (only met 3 once in 9 years), being very guarded with handbag work laptop and work phone, not being able to explain things when I ask such as 'where were you last wednesday' instead she repeats question back to me with intense shock not knowing what to say when it's a simple question. Tons of stuff like that...


Do a quick check of your phone bill. Go online. Most you can download the data and sort. Takes @30 minutes and is an easy check.

Yep, you have red flags.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife goes out with the "girls" three nights a week. She says she is going to get a loaf of bread and comes home 3 hours later explaining that she stopped at some other stores too. There are many doctor visits and other things that need to be done outside of the house. She never asks me to go and in fact, prefers that I do not. She also gives me her password to her PC and phone. I can track her on my iPhone, but I do not. She shows that she loves me every day and is home when it matters.

She gets calls from people I do not know and her address book is filled with names I never heard of. Our car map has 13 locations saved into it and most are not familiar to me. I had two previous girlfriends who cheated on me; one a fiancee. What you are worried about would not even be a faint blip on my radar.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've never understood the "missing underwear" red flag. Maybe it got torn, or soiled, or eaten by the washing machine. I mean who actually checks that their wife has exactly the same set of underwear, monitoring all disposals and purchases?

Now if she were in a habit of going to work wearing underwear and coming home without it, that would be odd - but I don't think that is what the OP means.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anyone that says you don't have lots of neon red, 1,000,000,000 candlepower red flags is crazy.

Sudden change in sex habits--- that alone is reeeeeeddddd flag.

Not wanting sex anymore.

Hyper vigilant conputer and phone guarding.

Repeating questions and not being able to explain whereabouts?

You have let this go on so long you so appear crazy. And you still say you don't want advice on how to find out the truth? This is nonsensical.

Please explain why you don't want to VAR her car, other than being too afraid of what you'll find. Why would you want to live like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

What's the point of adding another red flag to the list? You've already had so many that one more doesn't really add anything, and you're just going to continue getting the same advice you've been getting. It's pretty clear that no matter how many red flags you get and no matter how many times we link you to the standard evidence thread (see my sig) you're not going to do any of the things that have proven so effective for others, so what's the point?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Never ceases to amaze me when a guy gets all these red flags and refuses to be " intrusive" in finding out what is going on.

if you are waiting to catch her in bed with him by accident, you probably will have to wait a while.

i agree with Ele who told you to either find out what the hell is going on or forget about it. no middle ground here.

The VAR will tell you in less than 72 hours if she is up to no good, and it will be more conclusive then her underwear. If you find lingerie you have never seen hidden that IS a problem.

Get out of denial, you posted here, you are concetrned, now do something.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Not knowing the kind of person you are, or the kind of person she is, it looks like this relationship is in trouble. If you are that troubled about it, do something. Life is too short not to be happy, and being able to trust your spouse is tantamount for that happiness.

It's time to step out and put an end to this nonsense, and find out one way or the other. Other than that, nobody here can tell you what you feel. Obviously, you're feeling insecure about the relationship, and it needs to be resolved. Do what you have to do to make sure those feelings are warranted or not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Confused889

Any Updates? How is it going?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Quigster said:


> _Being very guarded with handbag work laptop and work phone: _Depends on what kind of work she does. She could be handling confidential documents.


Not trusting him should be a red flag too.

Unless he works someplace that would be a problem (competitors, supplier with her in purchasing, customer with her in sales, etc.), there isn't a good reason to be secretive.

Spousal privilege protects you if anyone ever asks so you can never be busted for sharing with your spouse.


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