# What a kick to the balls - wide cheating



## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

My wife told me last night that she had cheated on me with a guy from work, who she says no longer works there. I am 27 and she is 28 and we have been together for 8 years and married 5 years.

Before we got married she had had relations with another guy but not intercourse. She told me last night that she first kissed the guy and then slept with him once but could not finish it and ran off. I knew she had done something as I wrote a post a while ago where I outlined what was going on and everyone said SHE IS CHEATING, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt, what a **** I am.

I was totally distraught however have been rather calm. She has gone away on 2 weeks of training so i will not see her for 2 weeks. Should I stay away and stop all communication for 2 weeks or do I get a hold of her so we can talk?

I do not want to lose her as the pros far out way the cons however I know she will need to make some serious life changes.
- We need to see a councilor
- She will have less freedom than before ( i gave her a lot as I trusted her)
- She will be more accountable for things in the relationship

I do not 100% believe that this guys has left work however will get to the bottom of it.

Does anyone have advice and also things I should and should not do?


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

I'm sorry man, I'm going through similar stuff right now myself. I'm not sure I'm the best to give advice at the moment, but it's helped me to ask LOTS of questions and know everything. If she wants to stay with you, she needs to understand that giving the whole truth (no matter how much it hurts) will help you solve how to prevent it from happening again. Good luck!


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Thanks for the support dude!!


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

Read the thread I started under "long term success in Marriage" and "how we overcame adultery.

Bestblu1


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I would indeed see a counselor but I would NOT go with severing communication for 2 weeks. I would communicate as much as possible. Usually a lack of communication is what causes the infidelity in the first place. 

Also, it's okay to be calm, although I understand how "weird" that seems. Since the moment I found out my H had been having an A, I have NOT yelled once! (and I'm a yeller!) We've talked ALOT, some of it not pleasant but never yelled. I, too, from the moment I found out just wanted to fix my marriage, not end it. If someone would have asked me that hypothetically prior, I would have said kicked his a** to the curb but you don't know what you'd do until it happens.


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## failedonce (Nov 11, 2009)

If you can make it thru this phase you will be on your way.

She will have less freedom than before ( i gave her a lot as I trusted her)

No more girl night out.
Full accountable at any time.

She will be more accountable for things in the relationship

Full trasperancy.

Keep us informed.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Just an update, I spoke with her last night as I wanted to see where she is at.

She says she wants to be with me and will do whatever is necessary. Do I pursue the reason why she did this or why she felt she had to cheat on me?

I am still very undecided as my heart is hers however my head is telling me not to be an idiot, once a cheater always a cheater.

She told me that everything was perfect and she just did not feel right. This shows me that maybe she has low self esteem? Thoughts?

One of my biggest issues is that she has no one to talk to. I have a close friends who I have told and my father however she has no one. I mentioned to her she needs to find someway to let this out, not just this but other things. Otherwise what happens is she bottles this up and it explodes like it has done. Thoughts here?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Since she says she will do whatever necessary and you still love her, there is much hope for your marriage.

I would strongly urge her to seek a counselor on her own. It would bother me to hear everything is perfect yet she cheated...doesn't add up...I think for your sake, she needs to work through whatever that means and give you some reassurance as to where this came from. 

I don't know that pursuing the reason will get you anywhere....sounds as if she does not understand it herself.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you need to find out what triggered her to have an affair. Usually it's something missing. You need to see why so you can make sure it never happens again. Giving her a leash isn't te answer. Having her respect the marriage more is..


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Guys I feel like an idiot for feeling like taking my wife back, I feel that my body is being torn in 2. My heart wants my wife however my head is screaming at me that if it happened once it will happen again.

I know that if I did take her back that I would be taking a risk always, however she is currently away for 2 weeks on business, we have talked every night, but I feel like I want her to suffer and not get away from this that easy. She for 8 months was cold to me and want no intimacy, I tried everything i knew to do to romance her and win her love again, now I actually feel releived that it was her not me.

I feel like I now want to be romanced and be the center of attention as I spent 8 months killing myself.

Am I crazy?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

No.. Why don't you tell her?? Say I need to feel that you want this. I need to feel that you want a better marriage. In order for us to have a great marriage you need 2 people striving to make the marriage great. Nothing wrong with wanting to be fullfilled..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You are not crazy...I think what you are feeling is very normal under the circumstances.

I can understand you wanting her to romance you now and prove that she really wants to reconnect. I would think you will feel uneasy unless/until she is able to explain why she strayed. Her current 'I don't know why I did it, everything is perfect' is not very reassuring that it won't happen again. I hope she sees a counselor...and that you tread slowly...see how that goes.


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## mr.niceguy (Oct 17, 2009)

Right now my wife are still working on us after 3 years she has had affairs and I caught her a couple times but she always told me it was over. After 9 months we are still working on making us work. She is fully committed to me now but I am the one questioning staying. It is easy for your friends to kick her to the curb but it is far from easy. Be bluntly honest with her about everything. I tell my wife that she needs to tell me how attractive I am and that she loves me and I even told her I felt like going out and having meaningless sex with any woman willing. It was not easy for her to listen but she is starting to understand that I have had the same feeling that caused her to stray but I took myself out of situations.

In short-Be honest-go to counseling-keep a positive attitude-Take it one day at a time

Good luck and be honest with her and she will see how much you care!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

You're not an idiot for trying to make your marriage work! I think it's great that you've talked everyday. I think you need to share your feelings with her most definitely. Also, I agree if she can't tell you why, that she needs to seek counseling to help her understand, etc. I think you'd feel worse if you just gave up with out even trying. Good Luck to you!


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

So I found out Saturday PM and it is now Wednesday.  I feel that I am already forgiving my wife as I have an internal struggle that my heart is 100% my wifes however my head is telling me to stop and wait, make no rash decisions.

I spoke to my wife last night and it was a pleasant conversation, I did want the conversation to be positive as I think I have made my mind up to work for the relationship. Sher is away on training for 2 weeks so I want to take this time to finalise my decision. But I feel that even though it is 3 days old I have already forgiven her. Sometimes I want revenge but also I love her so much that I cannot hurt her.

I thought I would go balistic, never speak to her, however quite the opposite. I am a very strong individual and believe everything is a test and there to amke us stronger where as she is slightly weaker than I am.

She said that the reason she cheated was because our marraige was rushed. I moved to her country and we got married beacuse we loved each other but also because we could not live in the country without us being married. Anyway she says she is ready to fully committ, but as i said to her ' You will do anything or say anything to get me back at the moment'.

I know it is going to take time, but for me it is important we want the same things and she is 100% committed.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_I thought I would go balistic, never speak to her, however quite the opposite. I am a very strong individual and believe everything is a test and there to amke us stronger where as she is slightly weaker than I am._


Isn't it kind of surreal of how you think or perceive you would act in a situation and then find out you act completely opposite? I, too, thought I would be so angry/scream, etc. if I ever was in that situation and would do everything to hurt him back. BUT since the moment I found out, I have not once yelled or screamed. Haven't really gotten MAD per se. I mean, I am/was very angry and upset but only spoke through tears or calmly. My H was absolutely shocked as well. He did not expect my reaction and I think that actually helped us. I think it made him even more committed to making our marriage work because he expected anger/hate which in his mind would make it easier to walk away. (since he thought/felt I no longer loved him anyway) Instead he only received love & affection and saw how much he had hurt me. He was so amazed and excited that I was still in love with him that he has done everything he can to show how much he loves me, how sorry he is.

I think you're right that it's a test to our strength. I think it takes incredible strength to try to fix your marriage and move on. To immediately end it and walk away would be taking the easy way out.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Mommy 2 thanks.


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## crazybunnie25 (Nov 18, 2009)

Theraphy and working together can help.

But it is always going to be time that will make things work.

I know you want your wife to romance you. But understand if she is beating herself up over this affair that will be a while til she can.

All lines of commucations between the two of you must be open and nothing can be held back at this point.

Start the relationship over again. Maybe set a a date night for the two of you? 

Forgiving is easy to do, its the forgetting part. Depending how emotional you and your wife are, when you remember you get heart broken again.

Be supportive of your wife. This affair she had might effect her mentally. 

Good luck with you too and keep everyone updated.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Robert, my wife cheated on me and is having a harder time letting go than I am. I wish there was a 'reset' button we can push, but I can't find it.

You've got a long road, buddy. Hang in there.


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