# I'm NOT your EX wife! :(



## the vocalist (Jun 1, 2013)

I didn't sleep well again last night... I got out of bed this morning with a full feeling of depression. 
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We've been together almost 11. Things were rocky in the beginning because we had both divorced a few years before we found each other. We had both been married for 12 years to HATEFUL people. (when I say hateful, trust me... I mean it in the worst way)
We figured that the first year or so would be our "getting use to something good" time. We fought and cried and learned that we weren't anything like our ex spouses. 
We've now been married going on 9 years. We've not been unfaithful - always hold hands when we have dinner, cook together, watch movies side by side on the couch, I've even went hunting and LIKED IT for the past 8 years with him! SO, what's the trouble? Eggshells. We are walkin on eggshells all the time with each other. 
He hit his head back in 2009. He required 38 staples. They said there was no damage inside. I think this has something to do with my troubles today:::
The latest that has made me think I should leave:
Last Friday was my oldest daughter's graduation. My mom traveled in to see it along with my sister (4 hr drive) It was really nice because my mother is 76 and NEVER TRAVELS ANYWHERE! We coaxed her into staying for the weekend - and she did! Saturday - we all went shopping at the outlets. Nice time. Saturday evening was a different story. My daughter came in, with her boyfriend of 2 years. They walked downstairs so that she could put a few clothes away. My 12 year old son tagged along with them. She was arranging clothes in the dresser, my son was sitting on the side of the bed, and her boyfriend was on the floor in the DOORWAY to the room - and MY HUSBAND WENT NUTS!
He flew up the stairs and said in a really bad tone "DO YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING, OR SHOULD I DO IT!??" For the sake of an argument, I yelled for my daughter, she came upstairs, I told her the RULES OF THE HOUSE and they came upstairs to sit on the couch. 
All is well, right?? WRONG! I went outside to my husband to ask if he was ready to start cooking... He looked at me with such hate in his eyes and started SCREAMING AT ME "WHY DIDN'T YOU CUSS HER OUT LIKE YOU DID ROSE!? (my stepdaughter) WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL HER A WH*** AND TELL HER SHE WOULD BE PREGNANT AT 16!!??" 
I was so shocked at this! THIS IS WHAT HIS EX WIFE DID TO HER A FEW YEARS AGO BEFORE WE FOUGHT AND WON FULL CUSTODY OF ROSA.
I looked at him and said "THAT WAS YOUR EX... NOT ME!" And he started cussing and I just walked away. Everyone was in the next room... everyone was feeling so uncomfortable, so I had to shake it off and go play "HAPPY MOM" again. That was so hard!
I came in and asked my daughter ROSE, if that had happened - just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind... she said, no Mom, that was my BIOLOGICAL MOTHER! NOT YOU!!! You would never say that to me!
SO... It's been almost a week. SILENT TREATMENT. He knows this kills me. I've not been "seen" by him for a whole week. I would usually wait a few days for him to settle down and go and talk to him... however, he would always make it my fault someway. I haven't wanted to go to him this time. I'm still hurt that he can even think of me in the same way he thinks of the EX. She cheated on him many times, tried to hurt him, stabbed him, was committed to a mental institution for months because she was mental! He even called me "TRASHY" that same night as he went downstairs to sleep on the couch...
My oldest daughter says she really sick of the way he acts. I can't blame her, but he's not her husband either. I want to stay in the marriage, but it's getting harder and harder to go thru this - and this isn't the ONLY TIME this has happened.. it's like every 3-4 months... this is just the RECENT episode. 
A few years ago, I left him. Went to a motel for a week. There was his silent treatment to me. He came for me after the 4th day or so. We talked... he promised to go to the Dr. and he did. They put him on a few meds for a few different things... he took them for a while and all was well. Now, he laughs and cusses when I tell him to please take his medicine.. I don't do it in a bad way... I wait when things are good to ask and try to coax him into it. He just turns it around and says its all ME not HIM! 
I've even went to the Dr. a few times to make sure that I'm not going thru any hormonal changes, etc. They have assured me that I'm fine... 
I'm a patient person. I love being married. But this has to stop.

ANY SUGGESTIONS!?? I'm starting to feel empty and I don't want to feel that way... I'm starting to hold things against him and ... I just feel horrible. I don't feel loved AT ALL in this marriage... HELP...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

It sounds to me as though your husband has mental problems. I question whether he is taking his medicine.

Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

This is not YOUR problem, this is HIS problem. If HE won't address it, then NOTHING will ever change...not in 2 months, not in 2 years, not in 2 decades.

Are you willing to LEAVE over this inappropriate abusive behavior? If so, tell him flat-out, "You agree to go to Marriage Counseling with me starting THIS MONTH, or we're divorcing. I'm NOT going through another 12-year marriage from HELL. Especially when it's NOT NECESSARY."

If you're UNWILLING to leave over this inappropriate abusive behavior, then there is NOTHING you can do but *HOPE* he takes his meds, decides of his own volition to go to counseling with you, and wait. Obviously, that's not much to hang your hat on!

You two SHOULD have done the counseling on the front-end, BEFORE you married since you KNEW you both came from abusive relationships. DO IT NOW, or there is no saving/changing this marriage.

Good luck! I hope he's smart enough to see this is FIXABLE!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should visit the doctor with him so you can tell the doctor what you've seen. It is very possible that he is suffering effects from the brain trama.

He may need to see a neurologist.

How old is he? Does he drink much?


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

I tend to agree with SGW (without the caps). The only way to induce change is to be ready and willing to walk away. The motel incident proved this. 

Btw, I can't stand scenes or walking on eggshells. So awkward and uncomfortable. You sound like a real sweetheart - good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Vocalist, you've seen that when you leave is when he makes changes. He seems to have forgotten how alone he felt, how desperate. I'd encourage you to make it clear that if he won't take his meds, he won't have a marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

This doesn't have anything to do with exes.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I do not think it has to do with exes at all. I think he has some underlying issues that needs to be taken care of. I myself would get my hubs into a doctor if he acted like that and I would suggest you do the same. Something is going and I hope that he will go to the doctor and that you two will get everything worked out.


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## the vocalist (Jun 1, 2013)

Yes, we were happy most of our marriage (before the injury occurred) We were laughing and cutting up 10 minutes before the incident happened with my daughter/boyfriend. He "snaps" and recalls things that his ex wife has done or said in his past and I get blamed for it. As for taking him to the doctor, I have talked with his Dr. numerous times and he's trying to "rule out" a few things - new meds here and there, but my husband will not take them.
And, NO! He doesn't drink. Not even socially. He's never had a drink in his life (46). He's never been violent, he's only yelled at the top of his lungs and said horrible things (but a lot of people do when they argue - no excuse, I know)
Just a few minutes ago (day 7 now of the silent treatment from him) I texted him (I know, silly, but I'd rather get rejected thru a text than stare into blank eyes) and asked if we would ever be normal again.. "Go to He!!" was his response to me... it is continuing... this argument over... basically nothing. 
He and I got into a screaming match when he came upstairs to start all over again... the same argument. It's driving me insane. To the point where I just want to RUN... I want OUT so bad right now... I loved my marriage when it was good... We rarely argued... we always worked things out before now... but this silent treatment and treating me like I've cheated or have done something terribly wrong... well, it's getting to me bad! I'm in tears today... cried myself to sleep... I'm unsure of my life and where it's going. I'm torn apart from this. I am such a rambler/talker. I have been a most excellent wife to him... I've done everything - from hunting with him, to changing the oil in the vehicles, to cooking and cleaning and raising kids... going back to college, etc. etc... I'm trying to be the best I can... and I get smacked down. 
Is this all there is to life??? Is this my marriage!?? Like I said... I don't want to be single. I love the fact of being married... but... what do I do about this!? I can't stop the tears today...

Thank you for hearing me...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What kind of surgery did he have exactly? Did he have a craniotomy? If so, why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the vocalist (Jun 1, 2013)

He hit his head a few years ago. It required staples. Even his eyes looked different in pictures we took a month later... no major surgery. Catscan was clean then. The Dr wants to rule out a few things before they send him to neurologist... but he won't do his part and take his meds.... 



pidge70 said:


> What kind of surgery did he have exactly? Did he have a craniotomy? If so, why?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ok, well, there went my theory. I think I read elsewhere you think he might be BPD? How long were you together before he started acting this way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

He may be mentally ill and it might have nothing to do with him hitting his head. 

He seems to have lost touch with reality, which is the very definition of schizophrenia (literally means "split from reality"). Thing is, although my study of schizophrenia is limited, I have never heard of it starting from an injury. Usually people are born with it, and it runs in families. 

I would start questioning whether or not some of these terrible things that the ex-wife did ever happened at all. It's possible that he is losing touch with reality and imagines every partner in this life does these things.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I am not a doctor and no one could give a diagnosis by forum but I do know that trauma and / or injury can trigger mental health issues.

One of my father’s uncles was a nice quiet guy / pillar of the local community type until he was caught up in a car accident (his car got wiped out on a crossroads by a stolen car being chased by the police).

Although he seemed to recover from his physical injuries quickly he developed a short temper and a foul mouth. He started drinking heavily and would have ended up a sad a lonely drunk if his wife had not badgered him and their GP to get him the medical treatment he needed.

Eventualy he was diagnosed with "post-traumatic pscyhosis" and with treatment was able to return to a near normal vertion of himself.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband needs to see a doctor.
If he refuses, you ought to get out with your children, to maintain your basic safety.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Even though his behavior change was likely triggered by an injury, it's still on him to take his meds, which he's refusing to do. 

He is being emotionally abusive, and refusing to fix it.


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