# Would not do it again



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I told my friend that she was making herself sick and causing her family a lot of grief because she did not love them. She was doing this by her life style, specifically eating junk foods which made her sick. She was 105 kg, inactive, spent a lot of time on the toilet and then had prescription creams for her behind, which always hurt her. She missed a lot time at work and her husband was very unhappy, and so was she. 
After I told her, she fell out with me big time. I lost a good friend. Now, a year later she has lost weight, is active, is looking good and looks happy. So she came to me today and told me she wanted to thank me for what I did. She says it was the idea that her own friend said that. 

But I suffered loss of a friend and I would not do it again. I don't know if our friendship could ever go back to what it was, from what reaction I got. Am I right to keep a distance? Would you keep silent if your friend has a poor life style?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> I told my friend that she was making herself sick and causing her family a lot of grief because she did not love them. She was doing this by her life style, specifically eating junk foods which made her sick. She was 105 kg, inactive, spent a lot of time on the toilet and then had prescription creams for her behind, which always hurt her. She missed a lot time at work and her husband was very unhappy, and so was she.
> After I told her, she fell out with me big time. I lost a good friend. Now, a year later she has lost weight, is active, is looking good and looks happy. So she came to me today and told me she wanted to thank me for what I did. She says it was the idea that her own friend said that.
> 
> But I suffered loss of a friend and I would not do it again. I don't know if our friendship could ever go back to what it was, from what reaction I got. Am I right to keep a distance? Would you keep silent if your friend has a poor life style?


Try looking at it like this. 
Would you consider yourself a true friend if you stood by and watched her slowly killing her self and didn’t voice your concerns?
Remember the adage “don’t shoot the messenger”. It seems she did exactly this and it’s probably because you voiced exactly what she was feeling herself. 
If you feel she is genuinely apologetic then you could slowly rebuild your friendship, if you think she’s basking in the attention then leave things as they are.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hi, as a true friend to another, l would stand by them and make myself open and exposed truth to them, if there life depended on it. Because l would not have peace the rest of my days if, they did die and l could have made the difference.

Just as your friend they came to the realization that you cared enough to put it out there. And they feel the guilt and are asking you in unspoken words to forgive them.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The question is do you have enough love in your heart. To let them come back in. Do you want them to know that yes they meant that much to you. And that you are still that Great person you always were.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> I told my friend that she was making herself sick and causing her family a lot of grief because she did not love them. She was doing this by her life style, specifically eating junk foods which made her sick. She was 105 kg, inactive, spent a lot of time on the toilet and then had prescription creams for her behind, which always hurt her. She missed a lot time at work and her husband was very unhappy, and so was she.
> After I told her, she fell out with me big time. I lost a good friend. Now, a year later she has lost weight, is active, is looking good and looks happy. So she came to me today and told me she wanted to thank me for what I did. She says it was the idea that her own friend said that.
> 
> But I suffered loss of a friend and I would not do it again. I don't know if our friendship could ever go back to what it was, from what reaction I got. Am I right to keep a distance? Would you keep silent if your friend has a poor life style?


I am going to give you a different answer. Did she ask for your opinion?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Lila said:


> I am going to give you a different answer. Did she ask for your opinion?


No she did not ask directly. However she used to ring me and mourn at me about how her life was miserable because she was unwell. 

The one day I just found myself telling her.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Try looking at it like this.
> Would you consider yourself a true friend if you stood by and watched her slowly killing her self and didn’t voice your concerns?
> Remember the adage “don’t shoot the messenger”. It seems she did exactly this and it’s probably because you voiced exactly what she was feeling herself.
> If you feel she is genuinely apologetic then you could slowly rebuild your friendship, if you think she’s basking in the attention then leave things as they are.


But I will always be wary of telling her what I really think. If she had come back to me sooner, such within a few days and said something positive, I would have felt less wary. 

She gave back a lot of bad words for me to go and think about over a long period. Made me unsure of my attitude to others.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> The question is do you have enough love in your heart. To let them come back in. Do you want them to know that yes they meant that much to you. And that you are still that Great person you always were.


I am asking so I can evaluate


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> Hi, as a true friend to another, l would stand by them and make myself open and exposed truth to them, if there life depended on it. Because l would not have peace the rest of my days if, they did die and l could have made the difference.
> 
> Just as your friend they came to the realization that you cared enough to put it out there. And they feel the guilt and are asking you in unspoken words to forgive them.


 Forgiving is the easy part. Its my future behaviour around friends that I am questioning. Would I do this again and I find myself saying NO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The adage, _"The Truth Hurts"_ applies here, hear?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Forgiving is the easy part. Its my future behaviour around friends that I am questioning. Would I do this again and I find myself saying NO.


Be the friend you want to have.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

First this....

The poor dear spent a lot of time on the toilet because of what she ate, did not eat.

When she ate of pasta, white rice, bread, chocolate, calcium foods, yogurt, wine {alcohol} she got constipated. This diet sucks out all the water in the gut.
Her sphincter was being abused, hemorrhoids likely developed. All that excess food that she ate.... wanted out.

Sometimes the problem goes in the other direction, from too much caffeine, fatty foods, spicy foods, sweets, fruit juice, beans, garlic, onions.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome reigns. 

Gluten intolerance is another bane of some subsets of humans.

Fat, is not that chubby friend, it is that killer of the heart, the kidneys, the joints, and more.

...........................................................

Your friend was killing herself, self medicating with food. She was in a bad place.

Forgive her for her trespasses during her dark plum, her very plump hours.

You were the physically smaller person, then.
Now, be the bigger person. Psychologically wise.

She did admit you were right. That is an off-hand apology.
Accept it at that.

Friends are hard to find, and keep.



LMc-


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It depends on how you worded your advice. If you were rude then it's not surprising that she was rude back. Even if you weren't rude, not very many people appreciate unsolicited advice at the time it's given. You can easily lose friends that way. This one came back so now it's up to you what you do with that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

How could you be upset with yourself? You helped wake someone up and she put her life back together. That is a friend. 

Anyway, you can make new friends. 

I wouldn't make a habit out of it, but it sounds like you had enough. I don't see the issue.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lila said:


> I am going to give you a different answer. Did she ask for your opinion?


If you saw your friend doing drugs on regular basis and seeing her life being shattered day by day, would you still sit there .... and _wait _for her _to ask for your opinion_?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > I am going to give you a different answer. Did she ask for your opinion?
> ...


With all due respect, what you describe is a false equivalency. It's like saying "The*Deepwater Horizon oil spill*is no different from your neighbor dripping some oil on the ground when changing oil in his car.".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You took the chance of sacrificing the friendship to help this woman improve her life and possibly lengthen it. 

You placed her welfare over your own. That is highly commendable. She appears to be grateful and came to you. That is evidence of how valuable your advice was.

You were a true friend.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> First this....
> 
> The poor dear spent a lot of time on the toilet because of what she ate, did not eat.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I really take this on board. It is good that she came back on her own accord. She has visited and rung a few more times. I don't know about free speech with her but I will allow her in my life. She was a good friend before


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You took the chance of sacrificing the friendship to help this woman improve her life and possibly lengthen it.
> 
> You placed her welfare over your own. That is highly commendable. She appears to be grateful and came to you. That is evidence of how valuable your advice was.
> 
> You were a true friend.


From how painfull it has been, would you say I should do it again in similar circumstances? (A friend damaginging herself and me pointing it out)


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Good for you, glad to hear.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> How could you be upset with yourself? You helped wake someone up and she put her life back together. That is a friend.
> 
> Anyway, you can make new friends.
> 
> I wouldn't make a habit out of it, but it sounds like you had enough. I don't see the issue.


I am glad for her, I raised the matter for advice on whether to consider it in future or not, but you clearly say not to make a habit of it. I second that. It is not easy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> From how painfull it has been, would you say I should do it again in similar circumstances? (A friend damaginging herself and me pointing it out)


The decision is totally dependent on the circumstance, your relationship and your tolerance for pain.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> I told my friend that she was making herself sick and causing her family a lot of grief because she did not love them. She was doing this by her life style, specifically eating junk foods which made her sick. She was 105 kg, inactive, spent a lot of time on the toilet and then had prescription creams for her behind, which always hurt her. She missed a lot time at work and her husband was very unhappy, and so was she.
> After I told her, she fell out with me big time. I lost a good friend. Now, a year later she has lost weight, is active, is looking good and looks happy. So she came to me today and told me she wanted to thank me for what I did. She says it was the idea that her own friend said that.
> 
> But I suffered loss of a friend and I would not do it again. I don't know if our friendship could ever go back to what it was, from what reaction I got. Am I right to keep a distance? Would you keep silent if your friend has a poor life style?


Tell you what. My friend died and it was DIRECTLY related to everything you just mentioned. The difference is, he was a man. To this day, even though it altered our friendship, I have zero regrets.

I know I tried and I am at peace with my decision.I offered to go with him because I was overweight. I actually made it about us, not just him. 

I know mutual friends who carry around guilt because their friendship was more important than the truth. One is in counseling.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Be the friend you want to have.


Exactly. The way I look at it your side of the friendship was more important to you than her.

i have a few really blunt good friends. I want friends like my parents, when I am screwing up tell me. It may have pissed me off, but 99% of the time I needed to hear it.


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