# Wife just went to have lunch with an old male classmate in town - I was bothered



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

Hi! My wife told me Friday how her old high school classmate/friend was in town (graduated 30 years ago and last saw each other 10 years ago at a reunion and he and his wife keep i touch through occasional chats on Fakebook). 

Friday night she told me she saw him on Facebook and that he's in town for a guys birthday party. Then later that night she said something else on how they are out at a restaurant/bar. Then Saturday morning she's saying, "Oh I'll have to look on FB to see how he made out.
Then Saturday she's talking to him on the phone about his kids and our kid's blah blah . And later brought his name up again to our son because the the guy does computer coding. I huffed; 
I mentioned to her Saturday evening What that was about and how I found it strange she keeps mentioning him multiple times. 

Sunday. I get back home after runing over an emergency at my sister's. and She says, "hey I'm going to meet JAck for lunch at the diner.." My response was "what? when did that happen and I find that a tad strange that an old friend you haven't seen in 10 years (even though they FB comments) and suddenly your going out to meet him for lunch? I'm sorry....

Now our marriage isn't that of our parents 55+ years together and we have our strains. She's often talks about her old friend (who works at a high paying job, solid career, blah blah) (my wife is a medical professional; I'm a teacher/property investor) I was just a little miffed by it, somewhat jealous and do find it strange.

If a spouse is obviously bothered by something, do you continue to proceed with it?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your response should have been, "What time do we need to leave for the diner?" Ride by there and see if her car is there.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

golfer1939 said:


> If a spouse is obviously bothered by something, do you continue to proceed with it?


In most cases, no.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> Hi! My wife told me Friday how her old high school classmate/friend was in town (graduated 30 years ago and last saw each other 10 years ago at a reunion and he and his wife keep i touch through occasional chats on Fakebook).
> 
> Friday night she told me she saw him on Facebook and that he's in town for a guys birthday party. Then later that night she said something else on how they are out at a restaurant/bar. Then Saturday morning she's saying, "Oh I'll have to look on FB to see how he made out.
> Then Saturday she's talking to him on the phone about his kids and our kid's blah blah . And later brought his name up again to our son because the the guy does computer coding. I huffed;
> ...


Not much you can do about it now, if she already left. 
Highly recommend you set some boundaries going forward.

No, it’s not appropriate for your wife to have a solo, social lunch with another man. That’s called a date. I wouldn’t tolerate that in my marriage.

Do you have full access to her phone/devices? I would highly recommend going through her Facebook messenger/text/other social media to gauge the content/vibe of their communications.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solo lunch or dinner with another man/woman is inappropriate for married people. Even if you’re just friends, it looks bad.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Not good. She apparently lacks proper boundaries.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it would be fine if she had chatted with him on FB last week when she know he was going to be in the area , even if you did not want to meet him to say then that they wanted to meet up to catch up for dinner , but it would be more normal if she asked him to call to your house meet the husband and kids , the way you told the full history it looks like she is not been open to you and telling you last min ,


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

I would share on my fb page that I initiated a divorce from my wife, I would change my relationship status and remove pictures of her.

"You can start making future plans with your boyfriend, I'm seeing the lawyer tomorrow, don't rush to come home"

I would send the message. 

I would tell my family and friends that I started a divorce because she cheated on me.

I would meet with the lawyer and download dating app's and start dating other women. I used to go on dates without hiding from her. the marriage is over.

she can flirt with anyone she wants on earth.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bygone said:


> I would share on my fb page that I initiated a divorce from my wife, I would change my relationship status and remove pictures of her.
> 
> "You can start making future plans with your boyfriend, I'm seeing the lawyer tomorrow, don't rush to come home"
> 
> ...


Let’s slow down a bit there sparky.

OP needs to start setting serious boundaries right now, and that involves more than “having a conversation about how he feels about her behavior” etc.
It also means being emotionally non-reactive and approaching the situation from a position of strength as to what he will and won’t accept in his marriage.

That said, what you describe here is a wingnut over-reaction (at this point) based on what we know at this time.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Should have invited yourself to see her reaction. Very inappropriate behavior iimo. How would she act if the roles were reversed?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is going in dates with other men abd you’re allowing it with no consequences. So the real question here (you KNOW this isn’t acceptable) is what consequences will you give to stop an a notional affair from progressing further?
Are you stupid enough to fall for when she says you’re controlling or insecure?
Lots of questions you need to answer for yourself.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


Stop the second guessing, claiming you feel you’re insecure, etc etc.
This is simple. You tell your wife there will be no more lunch dates with a man. If she feels you’re being controlling, let her know there are divorce attorneys that can fix this for her.
“We are just friends, Hank”!!! Great, shouldn’t be a problem to limit the dates to zero. 
When she started talking about him constantly, acting giddy, planning dates with him without your input—- it’s past a reasonable boundary and if her relationship with him comes ahead of your feelings…… well it’s an easy pic for you to opt out of the marriage—— if YOU are secure in the knowledge that you have value abd can find another woman.

people complicate this relationship stuff. Not complicated at all.
“Not just friends” by Shirley Glass might be a you’d read for your wife.
You are right to be alarmed. Your wife going on dates is a No-no. His wife might or might not be an ally. I wouldn’t go there.

you make a boundary, she doesn’t cross it or you give consequences. No I’m between wikk cut it.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


Everything you just wrote is an attempt to rationalize, explain and minimize what’s going on, and none of it has any bearing whatsoever on the reality of the situation at hand.

As everyone is telling you - no it’s not appropriate for your wife to be going out on solo social meeting with a male “friend”
And you need to have enough strength in yourself to set expectation and boundaries as to what you will and won’t tolerate in your marriage.

If you’re trying to find an excuse to remain passive and avoid taking action which may cause friction/confrontation, then by all means keep rationalizing and second-guessing yourself. See what happens.

You never answered the question about if you have full access to your wife’s phone?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> we have our strains.


Details?


golfer1939 said:


> She's often talks about her old friend (who works at a high paying job, solid career, blah blah)


Rubbing your face in it?

Was his wife with him in town? Did she join him for the lunch date? If not does his wife know her husband is going on lunch dates with your wife? Does she approve? Why didnt you insist on joining your wife for the lunch date? 

Married people don't go on dates


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


I have almost zero tolerance for the social media and keeping up with the high school friends decades later. I’ve been burned by it. You need to get out in front of this quickly my friend. You had a gut feeling years ago when you met him, yet you still allow contact? Social media is a death trap for marriages.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

Strains as in the ups/downs marriages can go through, she's what I say "controlling" has to plan and have details, notations on everything. He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home. I didn't insist because I just walked in the house at 10:45am and she said "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..." I was somewhat caught off and said that is strange and she didn't get why it was strange. 

as the previous poster said "rubbing my face in it" yeah does feel like that at times. We all (some) don't have the picture-perfect world we envisioned.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


Still, no. One of the things you do out of respect for your spouse is avoid the appearance of impropriety. That means “dates” like this, where two friends go out together, are inappropriate. I have an old friend from college. He’s gay and married. I’d go out to lunch alone with him. Cause it’s like having lunch with a girlfriend. I have male friends that are also friends with my husband. Of course we’d never go anywhere alone together. Inappropriate.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I have almost zero tolerance for the social media and keeping up with the high school friends decades later. I’ve been burned by it. You need to get out in front of this quickly my friend. You had a gut feeling years ago when you met him, yet you still allow contact? Social media is a death trap for marriages.


Agree Fakebook pisses me off at times. It's one thing to keep in touch with family and true friends and groups, car clubs. but when I get messaged by someone from 30 years ago I ask myself "why would I want to be friends with someone I haven't seen in 30 years?"


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Let’s slow down a bit there sparky.
> 
> OP needs to start setting serious boundaries right now, and that involves more than “having a conversation about how he feels about her behavior” etc.
> It also means being emotionally non-reactive and approaching the situation from a position of strength as to what he will and won’t accept in his marriage.
> ...



I don't have to deal with evidence, I'm not a cop

if my wife planned a date with the guy she's been texting for days knowing I won't be home and she didn't let me know

this is what i will do

I'll share my story sometime.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> *Strains as in the ups/downs* marriages can go through, *she's what I say "controlling*" has to plan and have details, notations on everything. He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home. I didn't insist because* I just walked in the house at 10:45am* and she said "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..." I was somewhat caught off and said that is strange and she didn't get why it was strange.
> 
> as the previous poster said "rubbing my face in it" yeah does feel like that at times. We all (some) don't have the picture-perfect world we envisioned.


What sort of ups and downs? Ours near beginning of our marriage were financial challenges. What about yours? You have been married 30 years. Usually these "ups/downs" decrease as time goes on. 

So she is controlling and likes to plan everything? So she planned a lunch with her man friend, but conveniently didn't plan well enough for you to attend? Or even ask you if you were available? Lets face it, what would have made a much more appropriate scenerio would have been to ask you "Could *we* have my friend here to our house for lunch tomorrow?" 

I will get slammed on here for saying this, but wife and I have never had OS "friends". We have COUPLES who are friends of ours. We meet them for lunch somewhere or at our house. When we married, the single OS "friends" got left behind.

If anything like this ever happens again, tell her "Wait for me to change my shirt and I will go with you" Her response will tell you a lot.

I am an old fogey, but believe SM is not marriage friendly. We have never had an account on any of them, and we have missed NOTHING worth knowing. We have had friends and family whose marriages were ended by FB "friends".


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

yeah well, that didn't go over well. Told her (not yelling just talking) I was a little bothered by her going to lunch with another guy, even though it's a classmate/childhood friend. Of course, things got turned back on me how I must feel insecure, and she says "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation. I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening and that a quick breakfast/lunch was alot simpler and quicker to do" she Went on saying he's like a brother friend....blah blah. I told her it's just an awkward feeling to me and you knew that and still left. in my growing up wives didn't go on breakfast/lunch dates with other married men" especially when one is uneasy. 

Always funny when the response is "if it were a girl would it be any different" 

Either way, It was an uneasy feeling this morning. I didn't and don't suspect anything, but just weird in my perception (which everyone's different)


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Studies have been done showing that FB has ruined more marriages and relationships than people who cheat offline without it. It’s definitely a sneaky way to hide what you’re doing all under the guise of “he’s/she’s an old friend from high school.” Not good at all that she went and it’s not controlling to ask her to stop all this back and forth communication with him.

Good luck and hopefully it turns out to be nothing more than two old classmates catching up.

Edit - I see your update. It’s always so predictable how these things are turned around on the spouse as though they’re “insecure.” I think that if it bothers a spouse, then don’t do it - and obviously if that spouse isn’t a controlling type which you don’t seem to be, OP.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> yeah well, that didn't go over well. Told her (not yelling just talking) I was a little bothered by her going to lunch with another guy, even though it's a classmate/childhood friend. Of course, things got turned back on me how I must feel insecure, and she says "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation. I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening and that a quick breakfast/lunch was alot simpler and quicker to do" she Went on saying he's like a brother friend....blah blah. I told her it's just an awkward feeling to me and you knew that and still left. in my growing up wives didn't go on breakfast/lunch dates with other married men" especially when one is uneasy.
> 
> Always funny when the response is "if it were a girl would it be any different"
> 
> Either way, It was an uneasy feeling this morning. I didn't and don't suspect anything, but just weird in my perception (which everyone's different)


tell your wife you weren’t feeling insecure until she decided to go on a date with another man. She’s totally gaslighting you. Your wife has bad boundaries.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Is the guy still in town? 


golfer1939 said:


> Of course, things got turned back on me how I must feel insecure, and she says "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation.


Well, you have to decide where your boundaries are. I would have just told her that don't like the guy and don't want her having lunch or anything with him without you present. So if that is controlling so be it. Those are my boundaries not yours. It doesn't seem she is too considerate of your feelings after 30 years married and calls you names (insecure) when you call her on stuff. We know she doesn't respect you, because after all her boy friend is a titan of industry with a lot of money and you are just a 'lowly' teacher.



golfer1939 said:


> I didn't and don't suspect anything, *but just weird in my perception* (which everyone's different)


This ia your gut reacting to the situation. You know things aren't right. Why don't you suspect anything?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> I didn't and don't suspect anything


Great! Problem solved. Glad we were able to help.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> yeah well, that didn't go over well. Told her (not yelling just talking) I was a little bothered by her going to lunch with another guy, even though it's a classmate/childhood friend. Of course, things got turned back on me how I must feel insecure, and she says "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation. I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening and that a quick breakfast/lunch was alot simpler and quicker to do" she Went on saying he's like a brother friend....blah blah. I told her it's just an awkward feeling to me and you knew that and still left. in my growing up wives didn't go on breakfast/lunch dates with other married men" especially when one is uneasy.
> 
> Always funny when the response is "if it were a girl would it be any different"
> 
> Either way, It was an uneasy feeling this morning. I didn't and don't suspect anything, but just weird in my perception (which everyone's different)


Have you not listened to anything that anyone has been telling you here?

Stop worrying about getting her to understand how you feel, and start establishing what you will and won’t accept in your marriage. If you were uncomfortable with something, then don’t ****ing tolerate it.

You need to set your boundaries and expectations for your marriage. She doesn’t get a vote in what you believe is acceptable/not acceptable, and she doesn’t get a vote on your boundaries.
She can either choose to abide them or not. And if she chooses not to, then you need to act accordingly.

It’s clear at this point that you have no power in your marriage/relationship. Your wife is clearly far more dominant and powerful than you are in this marriage - and that’s bad.
Understand, that women respect strength, confidence and leadership in men. And they despise and disrespect weak, passive men.

You’re not OK with your wife’s behavior, but she doesn’t respect you enough to give a **** what you think or say about it.

So now what are you going to DO about the situation?
Are you going to continue to passively accept behavior that’s not acceptable?
Or are you willing to take action to take control of this situation (and the underlying power imbalance) to improve your situation?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation. *I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening* and that a quick breakfast/lunch was alot simpler and quicker to do"


So the guy originally proposed a dinner date for Saturday night, which she declined? And she is ok with this man even asking such a thing? Her correct response would have been "I am disappointed you would even think of asking me on a Saturday night dinner date alone without our spouses. It is obvious you aren't the friend I thought you were. I will be blocking you from my phone and SM accounts. Please do not contact me ever again"


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

You weren't supposed to be home, you came early and she got caught.

she manipulated you knowing that what you did was wrong. If you did that, trusting you would be the last thing she thought of.

Did she refuse dinner? (Did you know?)

make your wife post his pics on fb his wife must see

I would still recommend a lawyer. you can do what i said in my previous post.

Don't let her think she can control you with stupid excuses.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> Have you not listened to anything that anyone has been telling you here?
> 
> Stop worrying about getting her to understand how you feel, and start establishing what you will and won’t accept in your marriage. If you were uncomfortable with something, then don’t ****ing tolerate it.
> 
> ...


And you still haven’t answered the question about whether or not you have full access to your wife’s phone. Which I’m guessing means no…


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

He was in town with friends, and left after breakfast/lunch. Yes, she was home with me and the family. His wife already texted (I was told) how great it was they could meet up. 

Apparently, I'm wrong for feeling that way and have bigger issues. Says now she knows why I get bothered when she goes out with girls golf league. Have NO idea where that one came from, I always say go for it and enjoy and hit em straight. 
_You’re not OK with your wife’s behavior, but she doesn’t respect you enough to give a **** what you think or say about it. _

As for what I am going to do? I put it out there my feelings bout it. How she responds to that and behavior I will see. Maybe she likes to push my buttons and that's likely so. either way, If a spouse is unhappy about something and bothers them, you listen to your spouse. (or not) 



How true this is>>
"Understand, that women respect strength, confidence and leadership in men. And they despise and disrespect weak, passive men. "


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> Says now she knows why I get bothered when she goes out with girls golf league. Have NO idea where that one came from


She is plowing full speed ahead into you, because you dared to call her on her crap. That is where it came from. Expect more of the same until she gets you to "back off".. Would her titan of industry put up with her crap? She respects him because she knows he wouldn't.

BTW, is it possible she mentioned you being "bothered" by the girls golf because SHE knows there is other stuff going on? Sometimes people tell on themselves unintentionally. I mean YOU have never mentioned being bothered by the "girls" golf, so why did she?



golfer1939 said:


> Maybe she likes to push my buttons and that's likely so.


Enjoys it.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So when you said “I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening”, I found that unclear.
Do you mean she planned on having an evening out with him Saturday evening abd you said no, or you said no to your wife and YOU going out Saturday night?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> He was in town with friends, and left after breakfast/lunch. Yes, she was home with me and the family. His wife already texted (I was told) how great it was they could meet up.
> 
> Apparently, I'm wrong for feeling that way and have bigger issues. Says now she knows why I get bothered when she goes out with girls golf league. Have NO idea where that one came from, I always say go for it and enjoy and hit em straight.
> _You’re not OK with your wife’s behavior, but she doesn’t respect you enough to give a **** what you think or say about it. _
> ...


So basically you’re saying that you’re either incapable or unwilling to do anything about your situation. 
You’re communicating that you’re incapable or unwilling to conduct yourself as a man with strength and self-respect, and you’re not going to set any boundaries with your wife. You’re going to continue to be passive and weak in your marriage and allow your wife to disrespect you.

Roger that, good luck. There’s nothing anyone can do for you then.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> How true this is>>
> "Understand, that women respect strength, confidence and leadership in men. And they despise and disrespect weak, passive men. "


If you recognize the truth in this, why are you choosing to embody the opposite?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@golfer1939. Some more details about your marriage. I am guessing you have been married 25 years? How many kids and ages? You and your wife early 50s? If this is right, has she hit menopause yet? How is the bedroom? With the way she talks to you I am going to guess that this is one of the "downs" in the "ups and downs" you mentioned. 

Do you think she believes she has "outgrown" you? You said she works in the medical field. Does she work at a medical center with doctors and other highly skilled men? You know this profession is rife with infidelity.

Honestly, this business about a dinner date deferred for a lunch date and calling you insecure for questioning is only a symptom of bigger issues ( the "ups and downs" ). You no doubt know what all of those issues are.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> So when you said “I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening”, I found that unclear.
> Do you mean she planned on having an evening out with him Saturday evening abd you said no, or you said no to your wife and YOU going out Saturday night?


OP's wife said SHE declined to go out for dinner Saturday night with her boy friend because lunch would be quicker. She was expecting OP to be impressed that she declined an invitation to dinner and "a show".


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime a woman has a man on her mind 24/7 and is going to the extent of lunch dates with him, there’s a problem. If they were that great of friends, the guy and his wife would have already arranged a get together with you and your wife. He’s arranging one on one dates with her. Totally 100% inappropriate.

You expressed your Disapproval for her dates and she came back not with understanding, love, and respect, but the predicted defensiveness and name calling and not even considering your feelings. Not what a loving, innocent spouse would do.

Can someone remind me where f28’s post about the progression for an affair is? I think OP could stand to read it and see why we are jumping in him so harshly to take action and not passively allow his wife to start an affair right in front of him.

She might have been innocent. Her response is not that of an innocent spouse, but one that is guilty.

JMO


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> OP's wife said SHE declined to go out for dinner Saturday night with her boy friend because lunch would be quicker. She was expecting OP to be impressed that she declined an invitation to dinner and "a show".


Omg. Wow. I’d have a chat with the businessman after I let my wife know it was no more dates or the next one I had with her would be a visit to an attorney to sign papers.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> we are jumping in him so harshly to take actio


If I am being "harsh", my sincere apologies. A stranger on the internet can see stuff a person in the middle of a problem can't see. He will ultimately do whatever he wants to. Honestly, I think his wife is already doing whatever SHE wants to, so what he wants is likely irrelevant. Only he can decide how much disrespect he can tolerate. 

I was thinking her accusation about the girls golf might be her letting it slip that SHE knows there are other things going on, like they are hitting balls but not on the course.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Omg. Wow. I’d have a chat with the businessman after I let my wife know it was no more dates or the next one I had with her would be a visit to an attorney to sign papers.


She proly doesn't want the attorney visit because from the description she makes more money than OP. Which she resents. But doesn't the high earner in a divorce have to pay more support for kids and spouse? I seem to recall a female celebrity recently paying big bucks to her ex husband who didn;t work at all.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> If I am being "harsh", my sincere apologies. A stranger on the internet can see stuff a person in the middle of a problem can't see. He will ultimately do whatever he wants to. Honestly, I think his wife is already doing whatever SHE wants to, so what he wants is likely irrelevant. Only he can decide how much disrespect he can tolerate.
> 
> I was thinking her accusation about the girls golf might be her letting it slip that SHE knows there are other things going on, like they are hitting balls but not on the course.


Yes, I agree the golf thing may well have been a tell. I think when a guy comes here like this and hears anything other than “you’re being insecure about nothing, trust your wife, why don’t you have any faith in her , what are you doing to drive her away, etc etc——everything seems harsh. So no, I’m not saying anything that’s been said is harsh, but likely perceived that way.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> She might have been innocent. Her response is not that of an innocent spouse, but one that is guilty.


Either way, her response clearly indicates that she does not respect him as a husband or a man. And somehow he seems content to be complacent with this.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

he knows his wife.

his wife knows him.

I'm leaving the subject.

be happy with your partner


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bygone said:


> he knows his wife.
> 
> his wife knows him.
> 
> ...


Mind interpreting that for me, the slow learner?


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mind interpreting that for me, the slow learner?


ignored his wife's suspicious actions in the past and today

his wife manipulated him when he couldn't ignore

prefers to gloss over problems rather than confront them

(my opinion)


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@golfer1939, we don't know you or your wife. It's possible that the situation is purely innocent. If our responses here seem extreme it's because we've never seen such a relationship. We've seen a lot of spouses argue that they have that sort of relationship, but in time, they realize they don't. If yours is actually the first we've seen, congratulations. You're a very lucky man.

But then I have to ask, why are you here?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> @golfer1939, we don't know you or your wife. It's possible that the situation is purely innocent. If our responses here seem extreme it's because we've never seen such a relationship. We've seen a lot of spouses argue that they have that sort of relationship, but in time, they realize they don't. If yours is actually the first we've seen, congratulations. You're a very lucky man.
> 
> But then I have to ask, why are you here?


The situation isn't purely innocent, though.

Even if the actual meeting was innocent, the wife's way of handling this friend, and her responses to her husband are pretty toxic. And that, is not innocent.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> The situation isn't purely innocent, though.
> 
> Even if the actual meeting was innocent, the wife's way of handling this friend, and her responses to her husband are pretty toxic. And that, is not innocent.


Under normal circumstances, I agree with you. However, we don't know the regular dynamics of their relationship.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Under normal circumstances, I agree with you. However, we don't know the regular dynamics of their relationship.


Their relationship dynamics are clearly out of balance and dysfunctional. She obviously dominates the relationship, doesn’t respect him and he has little to no power in it.
Who cares if that’s become the “regular dynamics” of their relationship. It’s not good.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If there were no doormats, there’d be no TAM. He will continue to be dominated by his spouse.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

golfer1939 said:


> Strains as in the ups/downs marriages can go through, she's what I say "controlling" has to plan and have details, notations on everything. He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home. I didn't insist because I just walked in the house at 10:45am and she said "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..." I was somewhat caught off and said that is strange and she didn't get why it was strange.
> 
> as the previous poster said "rubbing my face in it" yeah does feel like that at times. We all (some) don't have the picture-perfect world we envisioned.


So why weren't you invited?

A male friend of a woman better be a friend to her marriage and children.

Your wife needs way better boundaries and consideration for you.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

golfer1939 said:


> yeah well, that didn't go over well. Told her (not yelling just talking) I was a little bothered by her going to lunch with another guy, even though it's a classmate/childhood friend. Of course, things got turned back on me how I must feel insecure, and she says "I'm in disbelief you would mistrust the situation. I declined any idea of going out Saturday evening and that a quick breakfast/lunch was alot simpler and quicker to do" she Went on saying he's like a brother friend....blah blah. I told her it's just an awkward feeling to me and you knew that and still left. in my growing up wives didn't go on breakfast/lunch dates with other married men" especially when one is uneasy.
> 
> Always funny when the response is "if it were a girl would it be any different"
> 
> Either way, It was an uneasy feeling this morning. I didn't and don't suspect anything, but just weird in my perception (which everyone's different)


In contrast....

Mrs. Conan once had a friend at the YMCA and honestly, her behavior was totally above board with no one on one time between them.

I became insecure about their friendship (the only time in my life) and I talked to her about it.

I told her that I knew she didn't do anything wrong and was not dishonoring me or our marriage in any way but I just felt insecure about her friendship with this particular man.

She put a little distance between her friend and herself and cooled it down a little with him.

She valued, respected and loved me enough to take care of my insecurity especially since I was transparent with her that it was simply my vulnerability and nothing she had ever done.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> She valued, respected and loved me enough to take care of my insecurity especially since I was transparent with her that it was simply my vulnerability and nothing she had ever done.


Which is as it should be for a stable, happy marriage.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

yeah dysfunctional is how I feel at times. I would have responded earlier but I've been busy Facebooking and trying to find female old classmates to meet for a breakfast or lunch... trying to be comical. So my wife is detail oriented (nutty) and keeps receipts for everything... I'm thinking I should ask how much her meal was and who paid, then ask for the receipt. LOL


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> (my wife is a medical professional; I'm a teacher/property investor)


Is she a doctor, nurse, what? In a hospital? Does she earn the largest share of your household income? What is OM's 'profession'?

Your ages, number and age of children? 

Is your bedroom alive or on life support?

You have bigger issues than your wife's buddy from high school. He just exposed the disrespect she has for you.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Is she a doctor, nurse, what? In a hospital? Does she earn the largest share of your household income? What is OM's 'profession'?
> 
> Your ages, number and age of children?
> 
> ...


Yes indeed. That is what radiates from the OP’s posts. Disrespect
.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell your wife she can't go on dates and be married to you.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

golfer1939 said:


> His wife already texted (I was told) how great it was they could meet up.


This is all about setting marital boundaries with your spouse. You do this with strength and not weakness. You do not have to accept the other couple’s martial boundaries, or their lack of such boundaries. You also to not have to ignore you’re feelings on this. Many couples commonly have a boundary against even having opposite sex friends (“OSF”). Those that allow for OSFs often have boundaries concern dining alone with them. Thus your concerns on this are legitimate and very common and should not be dismissed out of hand by your wife like it was.

The other man’s wife was allegedly OK with dining alone with each other, but how do you know if she really was? Maybe she was told that you were OK with it and does not want to be called “insecure”.

Since your wife is able to exchange texts with both the other man and his wife, so should you be able to. Without telling your wife in advance, text the other man, with your wife and the other man’s wife CCed in, something to the effect of “I was told that your wife was OK with my wife having lunch alone with you. For the record I was not OK with it and I will be discussing this further with my wife. I just thought that you should know”. Keep it short.

Do not be intimidated or bullied by the incoming anger. Tell her that she disregarded your feelings on this matter and that you intended to do the same about her feelings until your concerns are legitimately addressed. Tell her that up until now you though that she agreed with the unspoken OSF boundary against dining alone with an OSF, and that you feel strongly about this not happening again. Tell her that you are sorry if she feels embarrassed by this, but she brought it on herself when she ignored your feelings when you tried to talk about it. Additionally, call her out on the fact that she dropped this on you without prior discussion, knowing full well that you would not be OK with it. In fact tell her to “look me in the eyes and tell me that when booking getting together with him it never occurred to you that I might not be OK with it” (remember that she told you that she knew not to make it a dinner). Ask this question and then stop talking as you wait for her to answer; the first one to speak loses. Her being angry is not as important as you demanding respect.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So your wife went on a date with her old high school friend.

Did they date back then?

Were they ever intimate?


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

no not that I'm aware of, just friends. She's always mentioned him as a childhood friend; even her parents brought him up a few times cause they know his. but I think she was intimate with his older brother way back then.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It could all be perfectly innocent (or not) and it doesn’t matter in the least if his wife is supposedly okay with it. The only thing that does matter is that you aren’t. Period.


----------



## bobprophet (6 mo ago)

She needs to back off and respect you.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bobprophet said:


> She needs to back off and respect you.


But she clearly doesn’t respect him. 
And unfortunately, it seems that he is either incapable or unwilling to take any action or assert any boundaries or power or authority in his marriage.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

What is interesting is that so many people take advantage of the basic decency and niceness of their spouses. They know that nice people tend to not want to be disagreeable, even when they strongly disagree. My wife is one of the nicest people that you could ever meet. I treasure this, and tell my children that of all the things to look for in a spouse, them being a nice person is the number one thing to look for, and that niceness ages well. I have to regularly remind myself not to take advantage of my wife’s niceness, as it is easy to do. Long term, often times by the time a nice person has had enough and tells you that the relationship is done, it is too late to save the relationship.

The OP appears to be too nice for his own good, as his wife is taking him for granted. The OP would be saving his wife from herself if he takes a stand on this matter without unwarranted concern for what his wife or the other couple think.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> Agree Fakebook pisses me off at times. It's one thing to keep in touch with family and true friends and groups, car clubs. but when I get messaged by someone from 30 years ago I ask myself "why would I want to be friends with someone I haven't seen in 30 years?"


 WHAT i gets me about Facebook are the people that think Facebook is a dating site , they try to seduce grils or women even wifes knowing full well , and when they are called out they say well why are they on a site like this it is a dating site , but it is not .

Sometime I would love to have one of these cheater types come on and stay long enough to respond to why they do what they do and what drives them , How they think .


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok, so how long have you both been married, and what’s the situation throughout the marriage with opposite sex friends? (Sorry, I haven’t been able to read all the replies).

Do you both keep in touch with friends on Facebook, text other spouses etc? Do you text other women? Does she text other men? Were there any rules set in place in the beginning for one of you or both in regards to this?

For example, I wasn’t allowed to have any communication with any men at all without my husband present. So no chatting on facebook with old male friends or coworkers. Some couples have rules, some don’t. What’s it Like with you two?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok, so how long have you both been married, and what’s the situation throughout the marriage with opposite sex friends? (Sorry, I haven’t been able to read all the replies).


OP isn't answering many questions for some reason. Maybe because those answers would expose a lot more besides wife having lunch with her old friend from HS. Their ages, how long married, how many kids are basic things that can only be *guessed* from her graduation 30 years ago. So they likely in their mid-late forties, married 25+ years, teenage kids, wife is medical professional(?). Guessing she makes most of the money in the house. Resentment about that, getting older (peri-menopause?)?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

First it was Jack, now it's Jason... at least the wife doesn't play pickleball...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That dang pickle ball club was a den of iniquity huh? Lol


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> First it was Jack, now it's Jason... at least the wife doesn't play pickleball...


Your memory is really good!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife went on a date. Sorry.
She did it because she knows she can. 
You’re controlling is a BS excuse and it’s worked on you before so why it use it again.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Your memory is really good!


I eat lots of fish...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@golfer1939 so your wife declined a dinner date with a man, but accepted a lunch date instead. 

This sounds like "Well, I declined the request of taking part in a bank robbery, but I did accept the chance to help them rob a convenience store!"


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The suggestion of dinner and a show with another man’s wife……. That is laughable to me, and a shoe of disrespect that would result in the quickest of face to face conversations with the man I could muster.

But for my hypothetical wife to then go on. Lunch date with him…..


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Good Lord. If your wife was planning more with him, do you think she’d tell you about lunch dates? No. It’s just reconnecting with an old friend.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Good Lord. If your wife was planning more with him, do you think she’d tell you about lunch dates? No. It’s just reconnecting with an old friend.


Unless she was worried someone would tattle on her?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Disregarding all background fluff and if a lunch, I'd take her, we'd all meet. If we'd all already met, and no other suspicions etc it's just a lunch with a classmate from 30 yrs ago. Repetitive lunches no, otherwise it's just catching up.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Unless she was worried someone would tattle on her?


Hmm…there is that. Interesting situation.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> Sunday. I get back home after runing over an emergency at my sister's. and She says, "hey I'm going to meet JAck for lunch at the diner.."


My response would have been, "Great! I'm hungry too. I'll go with you."


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I really don't understand why the immediate and natural reaction wasn't "great, when do we need to leave for lunch?" I think this was likely a completely innocent meet up with an old friend. The problem is she is married and she set up a social date with another man. You just don't do that. Your wife was wrong for not inviting you from the get go. You're married, so you come as a package deal. It should have been up to you to say you don't want to go and she can go solo. I would be asking her why she didn't invite her husband on her lunch date.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Guess it comes down to trust. If my wife said she was meeting a male friend - whom
she had not seen for years - for lunch one day, I’d trust her that she would not have more in mind. 28 years of marriage. Trust. In my line of work, I meet many people. Not strayed. Trust.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Guess it comes down to trust. If my wife said she was meeting a male friend - whom
> she had not seen for years - for lunch one day, I’d trust her that she would not have more in mind. 28 years of marriage. Trust. In my line of work, I meet many people. Not strayed. Trust.


I agree that there should be some trust, but I still feel the wife handled this all wrong. This was a person that the husband had met previously along with the friend's wife. He's heard about him his whole marriage. He knows him too. Why wouldn't his wife's natural instinct have been to invite him to that diner or lunch? My wife has gone to catch up with old friends, female friends. I get invited along if I know them too. Isn't that what married people do?


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Not always. My wife met her female friend for a birthday dinner last week. Didn’t invite me. I did not want to go. Trust they did not go to a motel together.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree that there should be some trust, but I still feel the wife handled this all wrong. This was a person that the husband had met previously along with the friend's wife. He's heard about him his whole marriage. He knows him too. Why wouldn't his wife's natural instinct have been to invite him to that diner or lunch? My wife has gone to catch up with old friends, female friends. I get invited along if I know them too. Isn't that what married people do?


Everyone has different boundaries. For @Longtime Hubby the story is innocent, just catching up with an old boy friend from HS. OP is too insecure (his wife said so). For others, like me, this is a story of total disrespect for her husband, a story that has been ongoing for awhile. IMO his “insecurity” is his gut telling him that his wife is disengaging from him and thinks more highly of her old boy friend cause he makes more money than OP. I can imagine a scenerio where OM’s wife is just as much beneath her husband as OP is beneath his wife.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Not always. My wife met her female friend for a birthday dinner last week. Didn’t invite me. I did not want to go. Trust they did not go to a motel together.


I don't get invited to those either. That isn't what this was. It was an old friend, and acquaintance of the husband, that neither had seen in a long time, AND the friend is opposite sex. I feel a quality spouse that respects their partner would have extended the invite to them.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I don't get invited to those either. That isn't what this was. It was an old friend, and acquaintance of the husband, that neither had seen in a long time, AND the friend is opposite sex. I feel a quality spouse that respects their partner would have extended the invite to them.


I've had class reunions lo these last 100 yrs 🤣🤣, sometimes W went, last couple she didn't go as she didn't care too because she and I have met all, and the venues are now very casual. If not a cruise or destination trip she doesn't care to go. Me going to my semi local hometown she's fine and would rather just me go and her chill a couple days at home.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Guess it comes down to trust. If my wife said she was meeting a male friend - whom
> she had not seen for years - for lunch one day, I’d trust her that she would not have more in mind. 28 years of marriage. Trust. In my line of work, I meet many people. Not strayed. Trust.


Many people that cheat did not start out planning to cheat. Cheating happens because they put themselves in situations that allow them to develop feelings for someone outside of their marriage. To avoid this, many people establish martial boundaries that avoid date like situations.

Most dates do not take place at a bar at night. Dates are instead one on one opportunities to get to know better someone that could qualify as a potential partner, and to see if feelings can develop. Additionally, reconnecting with someone from the past is a common source of affairs because you start off already knowing that person.

You can trust that your partner does not knowingly intend to cheat, but you cannot trust that they are immune do developing feels for someone else given the right circumstances. Martial boundaries are designed to reduced the opportunity for right circumstances from happening.

A lunch that purposely did not include the OP was a date like situation.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

I guess you can look at it that way. I’ve taken my wire’s best friend - and I consider her a friend - to two concerts. Nothing sexual happened. Wife didn’t flip out.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I guess you can look at it that way. I’ve taken my wire’s best friend - and I consider her a friend - to two concerts. Nothing sexual happened. Wife didn’t flip out.


Did you invite your wife, or was she at least welcome to attend if she wanted to?


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you invite your wife, or was she at least welcome to attend if she wanted to?


Asked. Wife had no interest. Said “saw Reba. Enjoy the show with Jane.


----------



## tcdoldsay (6 mo ago)

I have been married 30 years and I encourage my wife to "date" if she wants to. She must be honest with though and tell me all about it


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

tcdoldsay said:


> I have been married 30 years and I encourage my wife to "date" if she wants to. She must be honest with though and tell me all about it


You joined just to throw the open relationship turd in the punch bowl?


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You joined just to throw the open relationship turd in the punch bowl?


First post out of the gate.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

golfer1939 said:


> He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home.


I would suggest you inform his wife after giving some time for him to do so himself. I don't know how much she will spill to you but if she replies that she dosen't care what he does he might be a chronic cheater who she puts up with for the money.

What was the nature of his relationship with your W years ago, did they kiss or more. If even kissing then his continued contact with your W is inappropriate. 

I think you said that 10 years ago you didn't like the vibe he gave off did you feel he saw you as competition or wanted you somewhere else so he could be freer with your wife?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

tcdoldsay said:


> I have been married 30 years and I encourage my wife to "date" if she wants to. She must be honest with though and tell me all about it


THAT'S your first post on TAM? Suspicious.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I guess you can look at it that way. I’ve taken my wire’s best friend - and I consider her a friend - to two concerts. Nothing sexual happened. Wife didn’t flip out.


The OP had a gut feeling about how his wife was reacting to the other man being in town before the lunch date. When we talk about trust, why is it that he should not trust his gut?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Asked. Wife had no interest. Said “saw Reba. Enjoy the show with Jane.


That's how it should work. She had both the opportunity to come along and to object to you going with her solo.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That's how it should work. She had both the opportunity to come along and to object to you going with her solo.


she had nothing to worry about.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


So her parents know his parents. They knew each other when they were kids then? 

Have you ever asked her what their past relationship was? Did they ever date? If so how long, who broke up, etc....

If they didn't date, did she have a crush on him or him on her? 

Etc.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TRy said:


> The OP had a gut feeling about how his wife was reacting to the other man being in town before the lunch date. When we talk about trust, why is it that he should not trust his gut?


Then say no.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Good Lord. If your wife was planning more with him, do you think she’d tell you about lunch dates? No. It’s just reconnecting with an old friend.


What about all the wives that have done husband’s best friend, family friend, have tried to get husband to be best friends with the AP? All along hey we just grab lunch, dinner or coffee, nothing is going on (except that they are screwing each other’s brains out). I would say it was a possibility of a catch up if she had asked if OP had any problems with it. She just told him what was happening with no discussion. She was giddy to be seeing the “friend”.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> What about all the wives that have done husband’s best friend, family friend, have tried to get husband to be best friends with the AP? All along hey we just grab lunch, dinner or coffee, nothing is going on (except that they are screwing each other’s brains out). I would say it was a possibility of a catch up if she had asked if OP had any problems with it. She just told him what was happening with no discussion. She was giddy to be seeing the “friend”.


I don’t know what the percentage is that actually do. Prob lower than expected. Who knows?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Most affairs happen with close friends.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She does what she wants because she knows she can.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Most affairs happen with close friends.


Woulda guessed opposite.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

tcdoldsay said:


> I have been married 30 years and I encourage my wife to "date" if she wants to. She must be honest with though and tell me all about it


Bet you like to watch as well.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Most affairs happen with close friends.


Don't quote me but I believe the majority of affairs are born in the workplace. I remember reading that somewhere. I also read that the most common age for a woman's first affair is 45.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

“A University of Washington study found that among spouses who cheated, 46% of women and 62% of men did so with someone they met at work.”

At least in Husky country a plurality?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

30 to 60 percent of married couples will cheat at least once in the marriage
74 percent of men and 68 percent of women admit they’d cheat if it was guaranteed they’d never get caught
60 percent of affairs start with close friends or coworkers
An average affair lasts 2 years
69 percent of marriages break up as a result of an affair being discovered


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Research confirms 


ABHale said:


> Most affairs happen with close friends.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I suspect the percentages go even higher when the old friends want to take a man’s wife to dinner and a show, and the wife is so giddy as the OP describes, that she can’t shut up about the guy.

she’s already called him insecure. Controlling is next. I think the “we are just friends” card has also been played.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ABHale said:


> 30 to 60 percent of married couples will cheat at least once in the marriage


If I funded that study, I'd ask for a refund. A range of 30 to 60 percent is wide range.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She would not want you to go on the date with her. Even if she was not interested in the little brother, she probably wanted to get caught up on her ex lover boy and talk about/ reminisce about old times and things they all did together. Bring back memories of a time she was with HS love. OP being there would derail that.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> Some pretext to it. They are friends, their parents knew eachother to. I've met him before at the last class reunion 10 years ago (I didn't like the feeling back then). They've always kept in touch via facebook and him and his wife and her comment on postings, which is not often. Sure maybe it's a bit of my own security/self-esteem and our relationship. But either way, if your spouse seems a little off (and we can all tell) then avoid it or discuss it before just doing something. It was a quick lunch but just getting all giddy "Oh look who's in town..." then day later Oh going out to lunch.


So here is the question. Has she ever invited you to go along? I mean, as a "friend", wouldn't he want to get to know you too?

If you have never been invited along, then I can say with certainty, something is going on between them.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sfort said:


> If I funded that study, I'd ask for a refund. A range of 30 to 60 percent is wide range.


I agree, curious why such a span in the range.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I agree, curious why such a span in the range.


It is because the 30%-60% range comes from a study that looks at a variety of other studies. Those others studies individually had result that varied in the 30%-60% range. Here is an excerpt from the aggregating study

_Although extramarital sex may be the marital activity most often cloaked in secrecy, empirical estimates of affairs over the course of a marriage range from 30 to 60% for men and from 20 to 50% for women (Glass & Wright, 1992; Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin, 1948; Kinsey, Pomoroy, Martin, & Gebhard, 1953; Hunt, 1974; Athanasiou, Shaver, & Tavris, 1970; Levin, 1975; Petersen, 1983). Estimates of the combined probability that at least one member of a married couple will have an affair over the course of a marriage range from 40 to 76% (Thompson, 1983). Estimates of infidelity over the course of a single year of marriage, however, obviously yield lower estimates such as 5% (e.g., Greeley, 1991). A conservative interpretation of these figures suggests that although perhaps half of all married couples remain monogamous, the other half will experience an infidelity over the course of a marriage. Thus, a critical theoretical and practical issue is what predicts who has affairs and who remains maritally faithful._

This is where the 30-60% comes from: 



https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download;jsessionid=A723EDCD234D6CB74C4505EB117EAA41?doi=10.1.1.387.4635&rep=rep1&type=pdf


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Thus, a critical theoretical and practical issue is what predicts who has affairs and who remains maritally faithful.


I think its just a role of the dice. If 1/2 of each gender are likely to cheat, that means 3 of 4 marriages will experience infidelity. So guess everyone would be well advised to just expect it as part of life. Thankfully we dodged that bullet, no idea how.

@hamadryad mentions it is just biology. Being faithful over a long marriage is very unusual


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

I don’t think you finding an old HS and going on a date will help. If your wife is developing feelings for the OM, she’ll think "see, my husband is dating someone too". Or she could just laugh it off knowing you well enough that you wouldn’t do anything.

If the position were reverse, your wanting to go to lunch with an old female friend and your wife telling you she’s not comfortable with it, would you go? If not why not?

Yet, your wife discard your discomfort and does whatever she feels like, and that’s the main issue at this point.

mnt suggestion is to be direct and to the point. Don’t say it’s "strange". Tell her you find her dating some old friend inappropriate and you disagree with it.

You can’t control her, you can only control what you do. If she still goes, you need to reevaluate what you will do with a spouse that put herself first and had little regards for you.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

So far so good said:


> If the position were reverse, your wanting to go to lunch with an old female friend and your wife telling you she’s not comfortable with it, would you go? If not why not?


No I would not go, but then again neither would she go if I told her I was uncomfortable. It is one of the reasons why we have been married so long.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I think its just a role of the dice. If 1/2 of each gender are likely to cheat, that means 3 of 4 marriages will experience infidelity. So guess everyone would be well advised to just expect it as part of life. Thankfully we dodged that bullet, no idea how.
> 
> @hamadryad mentions it is just biology. Being faithful over a long marriage is very unusual


I have a hard time understanding a cheater's mindset. I find it sooo easy to remain faithful. I can't grasp why so many people have a hard time with it.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have a hard time understanding a cheater's mindset. I find it sooo easy to remain faithful. I can't grasp why so many people have a hard time with it.


Because so many people are immoral. I'm like you. My moral code would require that I divorce before I would step out.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have a hard time understanding a cheater's mindset. I find it sooo easy to remain faithful. I can't grasp why so many people have a hard time with it.


Because you don’t have their mindset you can’t understand it.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’ll remain divorced so I no longer have to worry about this crap. Twice is enough for me to stop playing the game. Casinos weren’t built on winners.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I think its just a role of the dice. If 1/2 of each gender are likely to cheat, that means 3 of 4 marriages will experience infidelity. So guess everyone would be well advised to just expect it as part of life. Thankfully we dodged that bullet, no idea how.
> 
> @hamadryad mentions it is just biology. Being faithful over a long marriage is very unusual


I think it’s far more straightforward yet complicated than that. 
Anyone can cheat. Everyone of us is capable of it. I am, you are and so are our wives. 

Sure, I believe there are some traits or characteristics, past history that can be useful indicators of a persons tendency one way or the other, and some are clearly more likely than others - but everyone is capable of it.
Right day, right place, right guy, right drink.

so the point is,
1. Yes you should vet your prospective partner as well as possible based on their core values, past history, words attitudes behaviors actions. 
It’s important to get a good one, but that doesn’t guarantee anything.
2. Proactively and deliberately manage your marital boundaries so as to avoid the vast majority of situations and scenarios that are likely to lead to cheating or inappropriate behavior.
And don’t let yourself get too complacent relationship. Stay attractive and interesting for your partner.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have a hard time understanding a cheater's mindset. I find it sooo easy to remain faithful. I can't grasp why so many people have a hard time with it.


I honestly think that’s incredibly oversimplified and a bit naïve. 
Thankfully we have made it 20+ years without any serious infidelity on either side, but I know perfectly well that in a worst case convergence of circumstances, we are both capable of it. Everyone is. 

Obviously, there’s no excusing cheating, and it is our responsibility to actively guard ourselves, spouse and marriage against it.
And with the right values, mindset and boundaries - it’s not that hard to steer clear of it. 
That said, to think that we are in capable of it is naïve at best.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> I think it’s far more straightforward yet complicated than that.
> Anyone can cheat. Everyone of us is capable of it. I am, you are and so are our wives.
> 
> Sure, I believe there are some traits or characteristics, past history that can be useful indicators of a persons tendency one way or the other, and some are clearly more likely than others - but everyone is capable of it.
> ...


"Anyone can cheat. Everyone of us is capable of it. I am, you are and so are our wives. "

"some are clearly more likely than others - but everyone is capable of it."

I disagree, physically equipped to, yes. Capable of.....Not in the least! 

That is like saying everyone is capable of being a child molester or rapist, under the right circumstances.

Some of us are wired in a way that it will not happen..I guarantee you that. To me adultry is as reprehensible as rape. I can guarantee there will be no condition occur that would place me in a situation where I would commit adultery.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> "Anyone can cheat. Everyone of us is capable of it. I am, you are and so are our wives. "
> 
> "some are clearly more likely than others - but everyone is capable of it."
> 
> ...


I agree. I can imagine scenarios where I would cheat, but all involve me not being of sound mind. As long as I have all of my faculties I won't cheat.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Openminded said:


> It could all be perfectly innocent (or not) and it doesn’t matter in the least if his wife is supposedly okay with it. The only thing that does matter is that you aren’t. Period.


Yeah, I go back home and go out with my friends. Most of them are female but I have a couple of friends who are male. They are my childhood friends and I cherish their friendship. I've gone out with them and my husband is aware of this and he's never complained about it. I also have a good lesbian friend who at one point had a crush on me, my family knows her and loves her because she's a nice person. I remember going out to lunch with her and telling my husband about, his only comment was, does she still have a crush on you? Which I LOL because I've never seen her as more that's friend and she was happy with a partner at the time.

My husband is ok with me seeing my childhood friends. They usually visit me at my parents house, my mom loves them and I've never thought about having anything more than a friendship with them. 

I have nothing to hide and my husband is always welcome to come with me.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> "Anyone can cheat. Everyone of us is capable of it. I am, you are and so are our wives. "
> 
> "some are clearly more likely than others - but everyone is capable of it."
> 
> ...


we usually agree on things, but that’s a ******** example. Molestation and rape are terrible examples with no corollary to cheating whatsoever.

Cheating is a violation of a relationship contract and (for some) a sacred covenant. 
But the actual behaviors themselves (engaging in a romantic / sexual relationship with a new person) is not in itself wrong. It’s only wrong because of the context that it’s violating an existing relationship.

Rape and molestation are sick and evil actions in and of themselves, Regardless of circumstance. 
Most of us are wired to have a natural aversion to evil, predatory, sadistic behavior. 
But beyond that, no you’re not wired for good or truth or fidelity. It’s a choice.

Everyone is capable of darkness and only fools deny that. What makes us good is the ability to recognize our dark side and control it so that it doesn’t get out of check and lead us into problematic situations.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> we usually agree on things, but that’s a ****** example. Molestation and rape are terrible examples with no corollary to cheating whatsoever.
> 
> Cheating is a violation of a relationship contract and (for some) a sacred covenant.
> But the actual behaviors themselves (engaging in a romantic / sexual relationship with a new person) is not in itself wrong. It’s only wrong because of the context that it’s violating an existing relationship.
> ...


Too many people see adultry as "Not that bad" BS!. God puts it on the same list with murder. When my POS sister was having her affair, I would rather she had been taken in a car wreck than for her to have been an adultress. 

My ingrained moral code makes me see adultry as a vile, sick and evil action. I see adultry the same as rape. The BS has no idea and did not agree to being exposed to diseases or bodily fluids from the AP. What a WS does to a BS is no different than the WS slipping their SO a mickey and while passed out, having the AP come in and have sex with the unconscious BS.

I don't have to control my "dark side" when it comes to adultry, same as I don't have to control myself to not drive my truck over a group of people at the bus stop or shoot up a mall. It is not in me, as it is a direct contradiction of who I am. As said above, the only way that could possibly occur is a complete psychotic mental breakdown.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> 2. Proactively and deliberately manage your marital boundaries so as to avoid the vast majority of situations and scenarios that are likely to lead to cheating or inappropriate behavior.
> And don’t let yourself get too complacent relationship. Stay attractive and interesting for your partner.


This ought to be a sticky somewhere. Excellent point.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yeah, I go back home and go out with my friends. Most of them are female but I have a couple of friends who are male. They are my childhood friends and I cherish their friendship. I've gone out with them and my husband is aware of this and he's never complained about it. I also have a good lesbian friend who at one point had a crush on me, my family knows her and loves her because she's a nice person. I remember going out to lunch with her and telling my husband about, his only comment was, does she still have a crush on you? Which I LOL because I've never seen her as more that's friend and she was happy with a partner at the time.
> 
> My husband is ok with me seeing my childhood friends. They usually visit me at my parents house, my mom loves them and I've never thought about having anything more than a friendship with them.
> 
> I have nothing to hide and my husband is always welcome to come with me.


Yep, same here.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I have nothing to hide and *my husband is always welcome to come with me*.


This IMO is the key difference from OP's case. His wife is telling him what she is going to do and has no regard for him or his feelings.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> This IMO is the key difference from OP's case. His wife is telling him what she is going to do and has no regard for him or his feelings.


Yes, I don't think I can do that, but I do go out for coffee with my female friends and I don't invite my husband. I need some alone girl time! 🤷🏻‍♀️


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have a hard time understanding a cheater's mindset. I find it sooo easy to remain faithful. I can't grasp why so many people have a hard time with it.


I have been married a long time and never cheated, and I use to think like you on this. I then met a single woman that sold to our office and became a friend of someone at my office. She actually made a lot of friends at my office and would come to company lunches and dinners. She is 15 years younger than me, very attractive, incredible figure that she sometimes showed off in very short dresses. She was a struggling actress and very smart. We hit it off immediately such that she started to sit by me at these company events. When she asked someone to move so that she could sit by me, and found a way to tell me more than once that her last fiancé was my age, I realized that I needed to walk away because I was liking talking to her too much. She also invited me to go with her to her church to watch the Super Bowl on the church’s massive TV, I realized that would have really been a date had I gone.

I put a hard stop to this on my own before it became an issue, because I wanted to protect my marriage, but I could see some rationalizing their way to cheating when the right temptation presents itself.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yeah, I go back home and go out with my friends. Most of them are female but I have a couple of friends who are male. They are my childhood friends and I cherish their friendship. I've gone out with them and my husband is aware of this and he's never complained about it. I also have a good lesbian friend who at one point had a crush on me, my family knows her and loves her because she's a nice person. I remember going out to lunch with her and telling my husband about, his only comment was, does she still have a crush on you? Which I LOL because I've never seen her as more that's friend and she was happy with a partner at the time.
> 
> My husband is ok with me seeing my childhood friends. They usually visit me at my parents house, my mom loves them and I've never thought about having anything more than a friendship with them.
> 
> I have nothing to hide and my husband is always welcome to come with me.


Congratulations on your choice of a healthy balanced husband.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pastasauce’s husband doesn’t mind if she goes on dates with her lesbian friend who she knows has a crush on her.

I can’t see any scenario where that is healthy :
1) for Pasta to want to do such a thing
2) for her husband to have no boundaries

That said, if she wants to cheat, she’ll cheat. In reality I don’t know how effective “boundaries” are, because if one has to enforce them, there’s already a problem. But boundaries do help establish what each finds reasonable and unreasonable.
If I ever get married again, I’ll have some boundaries in place before the marriage. 

I’d like to know why Pasta would want to have lunch with a lesbian she knows has a crush on her. Needing that kind of attention, or enjoying watching her squirm?
Weird to me.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

🙄


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> Pastasauce’s husband doesn’t mind if she goes on dates with her lesbian friend who she knows has a crush on her.
> 
> I can’t see any scenario where that is healthy :
> 1) for Pasta to want to do such a thing
> ...


I think it’s a balance of trust. Unfortunately for many of us here on this site, that is gone forever.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Boundaries don’t exist unless consequences lie past the boundary. 
A spouse that’s told of a mine field and anyone can see it’s a watermelon patch…. It’s not really a boundary….


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

golfer1939 said:


> Strains as in the ups/downs marriages can go through, she's what I say "controlling" has to plan and have details, notations on everything. He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home. I didn't insist because I just walked in the house at 10:45am and she said "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..." I was somewhat caught off and said that is strange and she didn't get why it was strange.
> 
> as the previous poster said "rubbing my face in it" yeah does feel like that at times. We all (some) don't have the picture-perfect world we envisioned.


Grow a pair.
If my wife had told me


golfer1939 said:


> "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..."


My response would be “No Youre not”
That’s a hard boundary for me. Married person has no business having lunch etc with someone of the opposite sex.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t think OP is coming back.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think OP is coming back.


I suspect he was hoping that we’d tell him that it’s no big deal, everything is fine, he’s OK, his marriage is OK and he shouldn’t worry about it.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yeah, I go back home and go out with my friends. Most of them are female but I have a couple of friends who are male. They are my childhood friends and I cherish their friendship. I've gone out with them and my husband is aware of this and he's never complained about it. I also have a good lesbian friend who at one point had a crush on me, my family knows her and loves her because she's a nice person. I remember going out to lunch with her and telling my husband about, his only comment was, does she still have a crush on you? Which I LOL because I've never seen her as more that's friend and she was happy with a partner at the time.
> 
> My husband is ok with me seeing my childhood friends. They usually visit me at my parents house, my mom loves them and I've never thought about having anything more than a friendship with them.
> 
> I have nothing to hide and my husband is always welcome to come with me.


You have transparency with your husband and it doesn't sound like the OP's situation which is unhealthy and disrespectful.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> I suspect he was hoping that we’d tell him that it’s no big deal, everything is fine, he’s OK, his marriage is OK and he shouldn’t worry about it.


So is there a better method to dialog with these men with suspicions? Maybe the forthright responses are too much of a shock. There have been some men posting who knew their wife was doing other men because she straight up told what was happening, the "I love you but...", and the men were STILL trying to figure out how to salvage the wrecked marriage, talking about reconciling when they didn't even know who had actually fathered their kids. How many have come on here and said, "I know it isn't a PA" or "She would never cheat on me" or some variation. 

Maybe men have to find out the truth for themselves and no amount of advice from internet strangers is going to shorten the road they force themselves to travel.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So is there a better method to dialog with these men with suspicions? Maybe the forthright responses are too much of a shock. There have been some men posting who knew their wife was doing other men because she straight up told what was happening, the "I love you but...", and the men were STILL trying to figure out how to salvage the wrecked marriage, talking about reconciling when they didn't even know who had actually fathered their kids. How many have come on here and said, "I know it isn't a PA" or "She would never cheat on me" or some variation.
> 
> Maybe men have to find out the truth for themselves and no amount of advice from internet strangers is going to shorten the road they force themselves to travel.


Sometimes it takes a while for a message to finally sink in. They may need to here from multiple sources, but every time they hear it hopefully they become more open to scenarios they never thought possible


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

But repeatedly a man will post his tale of woe, ending with “what should I do?”. They are told abruptly what to do. Then some arguing about how they are at fault or how their marriage is great except the wife is screwing half the men in town or some variation. Finally they vanish. 

Rinse and repeat.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> So is there a better method to dialog with these men with suspicions? Maybe the forthright responses are too much of a shock. There have been some men posting who knew their wife was doing other men because she straight up told what was happening, the "I love you but...", and the men were STILL trying to figure out how to salvage the wrecked marriage, talking about reconciling when they didn't even know who had actually fathered their kids. How many have come on here and said, "I know it isn't a PA" or "She would never cheat on me" or some variation.
> 
> Maybe men have to find out the truth for themselves and no amount of advice from internet strangers is going to shorten the road they force themselves to travel.


Too many husbands today are weak and tolerate behavior that men a generation ago wouldn’t put up with. I wonder how many of these “men” who come here, complain and then leave without doing a damn thing we’re raised by single moms?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Too many husbands today are weak and tolerate behavior that men a generation ago wouldn’t put up with. I wonder how many of these “men” who come here, complain and then leave without doing a damn thing we’re raised by single moms?


I was raised by a single mom. That's why I believe that a woman can be anything she sets her mind to and that barring physical contrasts a woman is totally equal to a man. Mom was a great, great example. 

But my outlook on your description is totally opposite, my life is lived completely opposite as you've described. 

I can't be the only anomaly. 

But I get and agree with what you're saying.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I will say that the women who post on here with stories of infidelity seem much more resolute about ending the travesty without hesitation. They don't try to justify why their husband cheated on them, or try to minimize what happened as an EA when there was hard evidence that he had been doing his secretary for months. 

The women are way more prone to take decisive action than the men. The women aren't thinking of scheduling MC, they are meeting with an attorney and figuring out how to take the dude for every dime.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I was raised by a single mom. That's why I believe that a woman can be anything she sets her mind to and that barring physical contrasts a woman is totally equal to a man. Mom was a great, great example.
> 
> But my outlook on your description is totally opposite, my life is lived completely opposite as you've described.
> 
> ...


I was raised by a single mother as well, until I moved out at 16. Generally, men raised by single moms are feminized at an early age. I know I was a doormat in my first marriage. I had to learn how to be a man on my own, growing up through a lot of baggage. You may certainly be the exception.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Good Lord. If your wife was planning more with him, do you think she’d tell you about lunch dates? No. It’s just reconnecting with an old friend.


Yes, she would tell him in order to alleviate any suspicion. She paints it as nothing to worry about. She gets his cooperation and it gives her freedom to explore the situation and see where it goes. She acts like he is one of her girlfriends as a cover. For someone with loose boundaries, this could be a long term cover for an affair. 

I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but if this were my husband acting like this, I wouldn't tolerate it at all. It's already creating marriage problems. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Yes, she would tell him in order to alleviate any suspicion. She paints it as nothing to worry about. She gets his cooperation and it gives her freedom to explore the situation and see where it goes. She acts like he is one of her girlfriends as a cover. For someone with loose boundaries, this could be a long term cover for an affair.
> 
> I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but if this were my husband acting like this, I wouldn't tolerate it at all. It's already creating marriage problems.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I supposed that is possible.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was raised by a single mother as well, until I moved out at 16. Generally, men raised by single moms are feminized at an early age. I know I was a doormat in my first marriage. I had to learn how to be a man on my own, growing up through a lot of baggage. You may certainly be the exception.


I get you. I guess I bucked the system. I had to work from 13yrs old for other farmers/ early on to get anything extra, and raised in rural region still hunted, fished, worked our farm raising livestock, was still a jock in school. 
Maybe that helped out.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> I will say that the women who post on here with stories of infidelity seem much more resolute about ending the travesty without hesitation. They don't try to justify why their husband cheated on them, or try to minimize what happened as an EA when there was hard evidence that he had been doing his secretary for months.
> 
> The women are way more prone to take decisive action than the men. The women aren't thinking of scheduling MC, they are meeting with an attorney and figuring out how to take the dude for every dime.


Women tend to have less to lose in marriages as well as investing less financially in relationships in the first place.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

No I have been reading everything. Hell, not much you can do except lay down the boundaries/expectations in the marriage. But yes, comments make me look at it differently and from a perspective "she's turning things around and putting it on me" Hell, I still get corrected on how to load the dishwasher correctly. I just shake my head and continue loading it the way I always have. I can see/feel disappointment in me at times and that's the insecure part of me. And as for Facebook I dislike how it takes away from so much and sucks people in. I removed it from my phone, that way I just access it when I'm at a computer and thus limit my time. but she wanders things all the time, BUT that's her downtime after a long day at work. I think that in in itself is depressive cause then I hear "Ohh our summer is getting wasted, look at where they went, they did, blah blah" I don't get it cause we take weekends trip, been on two trips in the past 2 months and another next month. 

So All I can do is put it out there and set a boundary. But I trust my gut feelings and if something doesn't seem kosher then it's not. yes, may be a childhood friend, classmate, blah blah.


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Is she still meeting that guy?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think OP is coming back.


the dinner would be cold by now


----------



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I know the OP isn't around but I don't get here much and wanted to throw thoughts out there anyway. 

I see where you are all coming from in that her actions by meeting this friend are disrespectful and potentially dangerous given her husband's feelings. At the same time I feel like there has to be a way to approach this that doesn't drive her to do what OP thinks she might want to do.

He doesn't want to be controlling or manipulative or accusatory or jealous. No woman likes those traits. At the same time hubs has legit feelings that need ro be addressed. Right now the relationship is "out in the open" in that wierd nobody knows what's happening phase. It's when she stops talking about him and hiding her visits that things are past the point of return.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Erudite said:


> He doesn't want to be controlling or manipulative or accusatory or jealous. No woman likes those traits. At the same time hubs has legit feelings that need ro be addressed. Right now the relationship is "out in the open" in that wierd nobody knows what's happening phase. It's when she stops talking about him and hiding her visits that things are past the point of return.


I read this about being controlling etc as "no woman likes" etc. Well no man cares to be disrespected by a woman either. No man likes *those* traits. And this "controlling" accusation is what a woman who is disrespecting her husband will throw out to try to change the discussion and shut the husband down. It is just BS honestly.

I think OP's wife has "outgrown" him and her old BF makes more money, has more power, is better than OP. She has gotten too big for her britches so to speak. She will of course ultimately do whatever she wants. Things are pretty much past the point of return already.

BTW, @golfer1939 if she doesn't like how you load the damn dishwasher, tell her to load it herself. Leave the dishes in the damn sink and go do something *YOU* want to do. Maybe a round or two of golf. You can only be disrespected if you tolerate it.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Pastasauce’s husband doesn’t mind if she goes on dates with her lesbian friend who she knows has a crush on her.
> 
> I can’t see any scenario where that is healthy :
> 1) for Pasta to want to do such a thing
> ...


You can't enforce a boundary, only make it known and if crossed, enforce the concequences.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

golfer1939 said:


> No I have been reading everything. Hell, not much you can do except lay down the boundaries/expectations in the marriage. But yes, comments make me look at it differently and from a perspective "she's turning things around and putting it on me" Hell, I still get corrected on how to load the dishwasher correctly. I just shake my head and continue loading it the way I always have. I can see/feel disappointment in me at times and that's the insecure part of me. And as for Facebook I dislike how it takes away from so much and sucks people in. I removed it from my phone, that way I just access it when I'm at a computer and thus limit my time. but she wanders things all the time, BUT that's her downtime after a long day at work. I think that in in itself is depressive cause then I hear "Ohh our summer is getting wasted, look at where they went, they did, blah blah" I don't get it cause we take weekends trip, been on two trips in the past 2 months and another next month.
> 
> So All I can do is put it out there and set a boundary. But I trust my gut feelings and if something doesn't seem kosher then it's not. yes, may be a childhood friend, classmate, blah blah.


You have a choice.


----------



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> I read this about being controlling etc as "no woman likes" etc. Well no man cares to be disrespected by a woman either. No man likes *those* traits. And this "controlling" accusation is what a woman who is disrespecting her husband will throw out to try to change the discussion and shut the husband down. It is just BS honestly.
> 
> I think OP's wife has "outgrown" him and her old BF makes more money, has more power, is better than OP. She has gotten too big for her britches so to speak. She will of course ultimately do whatever she wants. Things are pretty much past the point of return .


Okay, maybe I am messing up the timeline? Did he bring up his feelings in a nonambigous way BEFORE the "date". Or was she violating a universal unspoken rule? If hubs said flat out. "I am not comfortable with your level of involvement with him and would prefer that we spent some time reengaging in our own marriage" and she still went out with her friend then obviously flat out disrespectful. If he kinda sorta hinted maybe kinda, or worse, not said anything concrete so as not to appear jealous then he really needs to work on HEALTHY boundaries.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I read this about being controlling etc as "no woman likes" etc. Well no man cares to be disrespected by a woman either. No man likes *those* traits. And this "controlling" accusation is what a woman who is disrespecting her husband will throw out to try to change the discussion and shut the husband down. It is just BS honestly.
> 
> I think OP's wife has "outgrown" him and her old BF makes more money, has more power, is better than OP. She has gotten too big for her britches so to speak. She will of course ultimately do whatever she wants. Things are pretty much past the point of return already.
> 
> BTW, @golfer1939 if she doesn't like how you load the damn dishwasher, tell her to load it herself. Leave the dishes in the damn sink and go do something *YOU* want to do. Maybe a round or two of golf. You can only be disrespected if you tolerate it.


💯 If one spouse complains about something you are doing, fine, let them do it and walk away, it is their job to do. 

I am persnickety about the dishwasher, I am mechanically inclined and see that if this is stacked like this and that there, you can get more dishes in and they will get a better wash. I don't ***** at wife/teen son for how they stacked it, I will just rearrange them to suit me.

At same time, wife complained how I did laundry, order, etc. so I no longer wash/fold laundry. I bring her the basket of dirty and even put folded laundry away.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was raised by a single mother as well, until I moved out at 16. Generally, men raised by single moms are feminized at an early age. I know I was a doormat in my first marriage. I had to learn how to be a man on my own, growing up through a lot of baggage. You may certainly be the exception.


Typically a single mom can't teach a son how to be a man, and how a man should treat his wife/children. She can't be the example to a daughter either of the kind of husband she should be looking for.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Erudite said:


> I know the OP isn't around but I don't get here much and wanted to throw thoughts out there anyway.
> 
> I see where you are all coming from in that her actions by meeting this friend are disrespectful and potentially dangerous given her husband's feelings. At the same time I feel like there has to be a way to approach this that doesn't drive her to do what OP thinks she might want to do.
> 
> He doesn't want to be controlling or manipulative or accusatory or jealous. No woman likes those traits. At the same time hubs has legit feelings that need ro be addressed. Right now the relationship is "out in the open" in that wierd nobody knows what's happening phase. It's when she stops talking about him and hiding her visits that things are past the point of return.


The modern man. Don’t be controlling. Its ok if your wife goes out on a date with a male friend. Without asking you. Bwahahahaha but don’t be controlling. 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
Bud, your wife doing as she pleases is only a symptom of your problem. 
You are the root problem.
My advice to you. Suck it up and take it. Like you always have. It’s your life so live it as you please.
Talk and words won’t get you a thing. 
Actions that you will not take are the only thing that count.
But no matter what she does don’t be controlling 😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can't enforce a boundary, only make it known and if crossed, enforce the concequences.


Nooooo, that would be controlling 😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

golfer1939 said:


> No I have been reading everything. Hell, not much you can do except lay down the boundaries/expectations in the marriage. But yes, comments make me look at it differently and from a perspective "she's turning things around and putting it on me" Hell, I still get corrected on how to load the dishwasher correctly. I just shake my head and continue loading it the way I always have. I can see/feel disappointment in me at times and that's the insecure part of me. And as for Facebook I dislike how it takes away from so much and sucks people in. I removed it from my phone, that way I just access it when I'm at a computer and thus limit my time. but she wanders things all the time, BUT that's her downtime after a long day at work. I think that in in itself is depressive cause then I hear "Ohh our summer is getting wasted, look at where they went, they did, blah blah" I don't get it cause we take weekends trip, been on two trips in the past 2 months and another next month.
> 
> So All I can do is put it out there and set a boundary. But I trust my gut feelings and if something doesn't seem kosher then it's not. yes, may be a childhood friend, classmate, blah blah.


Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? It's free, download it, read it, do it.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Erudite said:


> Okay, maybe I am messing up the timeline? Did he bring up his feelings in a nonambigous way BEFORE the "date". Or was she violating a universal unspoken rule? If hubs said flat out. "I am not comfortable with your level of involvement with him and would prefer that we spent some time reengaging in our own marriage" and she still went out with her friend then obviously flat out disrespectful. If he kinda sorta hinted maybe kinda, or worse, not said anything concrete so as not to appear jealous then he really needs to work on HEALTHY boundaries.


Umm, a wife going on a date with another man might be a problem unless you’re a doormat.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? It's free, download it, read it, do it.


It only works if you have the ability to apply it.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can't enforce a boundary, only make it known and if crossed, enforce the concequences.


I'm not trying to be snarky, but isn't this how boundaries work? A normal, sane adult doesn't tell another mentally fit adult what they can and can't do. They say "If you do X, my reaction will be Y." No one in a truly healthy marriage between adults says, "You are not allowed to do X." Because neither of them are children. The problems come when the other person does X and you DON'T do Y. Then not only have they blown through that boundary, all other boundaries are now in question. Adults don't "forbid" one another from doing things, because you can't control another adult. Mentally healthy people don't WANT to control other adults. There's a difference between bullying or manipulation and expecting to be treated with respect. Both men AND women deserve to be treated like adults, and with respect. If EITHER spouse treats the other like a stupid child, it's no longer a marriage, it's a hostage situation.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Exactly the boundary has to be stated as not proper before hand.


----------



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm not trying to be snarky, but isn't this how boundaries work? A normal, sane adult doesn't tell another mentally fit adult what they can and can't do. They say "If you do X, my reaction will be Y." No one in a truly healthy marriage between adults says, "You are not allowed to do X." Because neither of them are children. The problems come when the other person does X and you DON'T do Y. Then not only have they blown through that boundary, all other boundaries are now in question. Adults don't "forbid" one another from doing things, because you can't control another adult. Mentally healthy people don't WANT to control other adults. There's a difference between bullying or manipulation and expecting to be treated with respect. Both men AND women deserve to be treated like adults, and with respect. If EITHER spouse treats the other like a stupid child, it's no longer a marriage, it's a hostage situation.


Once again I could not agree more.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

all this talk about boundary setting talk and enforce the consequences makes me think I have loged on to the wrong forum
. if you need to do this with an other adult you might need to have a good look at your self , 
I could not agree more. 



TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm not trying to be snarky, but isn't this how boundaries work? A normal, sane adult doesn't tell another mentally fit adult what they can and can't do. They say "If you do X, my reaction will be Y." No one in a truly healthy marriage between adults says, "You are not allowed to do X." Because neither of them are children. The problems come when the other person does X and you DON'T do Y. Then not only have they blown through that boundary, all other boundaries are now in question. Adults don't "forbid" one another from doing things, because you can't control another adult. Mentally healthy people don't WANT to control other adults. There's a difference between bullying or manipulation and expecting to be treated with respect. Both men AND women deserve to be treated like adults, and with respect. If EITHER spouse treats the other like a stupid child, it's no longer a marriage, it's a hostage situation.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> all this talk about boundary setting talk and enforce the consequences makes me think I have loged on to the wrong forum
> . if you need to do this with an other adult you might need to have a good look at your self ,
> I could not agree more.


I had to qualify it by saying I wasn’t being snarky and I will STILL get flamed for it. It’s insane.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm not trying to be snarky, but isn't this how boundaries work? A normal, sane adult doesn't tell another mentally fit adult what they can and can't do. They say _"If you do X, my reaction will be Y."_ No one in a truly healthy marriage between adults says, "You are not allowed to do X." Because neither of them are children.


Yes, exactly. 

The question is, to what extent do you even know, in advance, what your own boundaries really are?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> The question is, to what extent do you even know, in advance, what your own boundaries really are?


It depends. A lot of it has to do with experience and maturity. There are the standards, cheating, abuse, bullying. Then there are questions like control and authority, which you may or may not understand at first, that may come around over time. Treatment of animals, family, children are usually straightforward. I believe that either spouse should be able to say at any time “this behavior is unacceptable to me as part of a healthy marriage” and start a conversation. That’s where the problems come along, generally, when something unexpected comes up. Open communication, maturity and MUTUAL respect are paramount, IMHO. When one person always gets their way no matter what, the other person will be miserable. When one person has absolute and unaccountable authority over the other person, the other person will always be miserable. If it’s not give and take, compromise between equals, it’s not a marriage. Not the way I see it, anyway, but that is just me. My views are clearly not mainstream.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I had to qualify it by saying I wasn’t being snarky and I will STILL get flamed for it. It’s insane.


sounds to me like words from a narcissistic, 

much the same as when the same go to a Marriage therapy and say the MC backed up the other or takes only one side , because they are used to seeing things just their way ,
NO point unless they want to be there 

To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult trade offs and tough choices for each person.


you need: A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team
The motivation 
Not BULLING AND BELITTLING


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can't enforce a boundary, only make it known and if crossed, enforce the concequences.


I think most couples after they have been together awhile full well know where the fences are. With respect to everything from "don't leave the toilet seat up" to "don't go on dates with another". And the consequences are also known, with the smaller things they have already been applied multiple times. With the bigger things like screwing the guy ( or woman ) at work, it is obviously separation and divorce. So everyone knows where the fences are and what happens if you climb or leap over them. Only "enforcement" needed is carrying through.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I think most couples after they have been together awhile full well know where the fences are. With respect to everything from "don't leave the toilet seat up" to "don't go on dates with another". And the consequences are also known, with the smaller things they have already been applied multiple times. With the bigger things like screwing the guy ( or woman ) at work, it is obviously separation and divorce. So everyone knows where the fences are and what happens if you climb or leap over them. Only "enforcement" needed is carrying through.


Exactly, the boundaries should be made known early in relationship. Just like my marriage, and meetups for lunch, dinner, coffee, etc with an old friend, classmate, etc of opposite sex is a strict no go unless the spouse is present. Preferably both spouses. 

Go by same rules the pastor uses when counseling someone of opposite sex, never alone together, either pastors wife is present or parishioner's spouse is present. But never a male pastor and female parishioner alone, that is very inappropriate. Same with dinner dates with opposite sex friends.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

The Pense rule. Which everyone laughed about. And many on here will say that is “controlling” and ridiculous and insecure. Many have OSF and will say “my friends are none of my spouses business”.


----------



## golfer1939 (6 mo ago)

Erudite said:


> Okay, maybe I am messing up the timeline? Did he bring up his feelings in a nonambigous way BEFORE the "date". Or was she violating a universal unspoken rule? If hubs said flat out. "I am not comfortable with your level of involvement with him and would prefer that we spent some time reengaging in our own marriage" and she still went out with her friend then obviously flat out disrespectful. If he kinda sorta hinted maybe kinda, or worse, not said anything concrete so as not to appear jealous then he really needs to work on HEALTHY boundaries.



No Said that the following day. When she first told me was when I walked in a mid-sunday morning. I expressed a little bit of 
That's strange....uhm really are you serious...?" it was the dayafter or two when I told her my feelings about it. told her it's a boundary thing, unwritten rule and makes me uncomfortable. (and likely because of insecurity)


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

golfer1939 said:


> No Said that the following day. When she first told me was when I walked in a mid-sunday morning. I expressed a little bit of
> That's strange....uhm really are you serious...?" it was the dayafter or two when I told her my feelings about it. told her it's a boundary thing, unwritten rule and makes me uncomfortable. (and likely because of insecurity)


You told that this makes you uncomfortable, but added that it's probably due to your insecurity? What on earth? 

It is normal and natural for you to feel uncomfortable about your wife going out with another man, whether or not you're insecure. Clearly, you are very insecure and unable to set appropriate boundaries. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

golfer1939 said:


> No Said that the following day. When she first told me was when I walked in a mid-sunday morning. I expressed a little bit of
> That's strange....uhm really are you serious...?" it was the dayafter or two when I told her my feelings about it. told her it's a boundary thing, unwritten rule and *makes me uncomfortable. (and likely because of insecurity)
> *



Your wife sees your insecurity, (1) enjoys using it against you, and (2) *doesn't respect you*. She walks all over you and will continue to do so because you tolerate it. Your kids see it too. Do they disrespect you also?

You can't really change who you are. Maybe your personality has always been conflict avoidant and maybe you have always been an insecure person. But for sure with your wife, and most ( but not all ) women, it won't do you any favors. They expect confidence in a male and if it isn't there it actually distresses them and makes THEM insecure. 

Your wife sounds like a confident, take charge type person. You aren't a match for that personality, as witness you accepting abuse about loading the damn dishwasher. And about everything else as well I would bet. 

Not sure how you managed to marry who you did, maybe you can shed some light on how that happened. You would have been happier with a shy and withdrawn meek woman that would have been more in step with your own personality.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> You told that this makes you uncomfortable, but added that it's probably due to your insecurity? What on earth?
> 
> It is normal and natural for you to feel uncomfortable about your wife going out with another man, whether or not you're insecure. Clearly, you are very insecure and unable to set appropriate boundaries.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Agreed. Labeling one insecure, controlling, and jealous is a ******** tactic used to shut down conversations around appropriate boundaries.

I wouldn't even entertain something like this let alone put my bf in that position, and we're not even married. Either we go together or not at all. If he volunteered of his own accord that I should go then maybe....if he volunteers he's probably ok with it.

I'd tell her that it had better be a really important date considering the damage it's going to do to the marriage and that I'd be considering my options. It's ******** that she'd put him in this position.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd tell her that it had better be a really important date considering the damage it's going to do to the marriage and that I'd be considering my options.


But telling her this isnt in OPs character. When she berates him for not loading the dishwasher like she wants, he just shakes his head.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> But telling her this isnt in OPs character. When she berates him for not loading the dishwasher like she wants, he just shakes his head.


Does she berate him? If he is doing it wrong, she should be able to tell him without berating him. Believe me, the way some people load the dishwasher defies physics. Water doesn't go through solid objects. When you stick a knife into the plastic basket, it breaks the basket. I could go on. Lol

(If my husband loads the dishwasher, he does it right, so I'm not talking about him.) 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In my job, we have to used incubators refrigerators and washers as part of lab daily routine. They all have to be validated through a rigorous validation process; which includes temperature mapping, load placement, D Kill values, etc., whenever I get a new piece of equipment for home, e.g , dishwasher, stove, dryer, washer, I always read their manual instructions for placement, temperature, quantities and types of detergent recommended for their equipment, why? Because they did all what I do at work during the model's QC during pre/post production to ensure that the equipment works the way they intended it.
I always, train my wife and daughters for the proper utilization/maintenance of the new equipment. That way I get to have them for decades in my home.

I see all the time people just throwing stuff in a piece of equipment so carelessly and without a second thought. Then they wonder how that new refrigerator is not longer cooling properly, or why the dishwasher isn't cleaning the dishes/silverware properly.

Then, you have the people that without having the slightest idea as to how a piece of equipment is really supposed to work, they want to do it their own way, and every else is wrong. I love to prove them wrong.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> Does she berate him? If he is doing it wrong, she should be able to tell him without berating him. Believe me, the way some people load the dishwasher defies physics. Water doesn't go through solid objects. When you stick a knife into the plastic basket, it breaks the basket. I could go on. Lol
> 
> (If my husband loads the dishwasher, he does it right, so I'm not talking about him.)
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


If my wife byched about me loading the dishwasher, she gets to do it from now on. Now if she says "here is how I would like it done", we can talk and I will do my best to accommodate. Actually we both load the stupid thing at various times and both do it the same way. More often than not, we just wash and dry them by hand. Usually I wash and she dries. There are just two of us.

Now, I *am* forbidden to *touch* the clothes washer, which suits me just fine.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d like to know why Pasta would want to have lunch with a lesbian she knows has a crush on her. Needing that kind of attention, or enjoying watching her squirm?
> Weird to me.


Sorry I didn't see your reply. 

I met my lesbian friend when I was 20. She didn't confess having a crush on me for a long time. I didn't even suspect it. Why am I still in touch with her? Because her life doesn't revolve around me. Her crush was 20 years ago. We both moved on with our lives, met other people, grew up. We both have partners and families. At the same time our friendship has been important to both of us throughout the years. Her friendship was a lifesaver to me when I was in a dark, hopeless place. I don't see her as someone who used to have a crush on me. This was such a small part of our experiences together. She was a little saving angel to me and I will always be grateful for her in my life. 

Last time I met her for lunch, she visited my parents and brother. My mom adores her. We had lunch and talked about her life, her family, my life, my family, laughing at the crazy stuff we did while I was still living back home. We had a nice group of friends but we all have moved on and have our own lives. I'm still in touch with all of them. 

That's what went on during my "lunch date" with my lesbian friend. Then we went to the grocery store to buy toilet paper! Lol! We also laughed at how boring and domestic we are now. 

That's it. 

We didn't meet for attention or to make her squirm. We have a truly honest friendship. I don't know if you can understand that, but that's what it is. Nothing more. And my husband knows it because he also has long lasting friendships. He was happy I met her and he'd like to see her again one day. I don't hide my friendships from my husband and he's more than welcome to come with me whenever he can. It's not weird to us at all. He's free to stay with me the way I am, I'm free to stay with him the way he is.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

it should be simple, " dont hang out with the opposite sex" and that it. goes both way. it shouldn't be that difficult 
if she is making it difficult means she has a feeling for him and something is happening 
they might have kissed but things havent turned to physical yet


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

golfer1939 said:


> Hi! My wife told me Friday how her old high school classmate/friend was in town (graduated 30 years ago and last saw each other 10 years ago at a reunion and he and his wife keep i touch through occasional chats on Fakebook).
> 
> Friday night she told me she saw him on Facebook and that he's in town for a guys birthday party. Then later that night she said something else on how they are out at a restaurant/bar. Then Saturday morning she's saying, "Oh I'll have to look on FB to see how he made out.
> Then Saturday she's talking to him on the phone about his kids and our kid's blah blah . And later brought his name up again to our son because the the guy does computer coding. I huffed;
> ...


Of course you should be bothered!

When did this hoses*it ever become mainstream?


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

golfer1939 said:


> No Said that the following day. When she first told me was when I walked in a mid-sunday morning. I expressed a little bit of
> That's strange....uhm really are you serious...?" it was the dayafter or two when I told her my feelings about it. told her it's a boundary thing, unwritten rule and makes me uncomfortable. (and likely because of insecurity)


Insecurity? If he decides to rape your wife (God forbid) and you’re not there to protect her, is that YOUR insecurity? No!

Your wife not going on lunch dates with other married man is akin to you asking your son not to stand on the ledge of a 20-story building. Is something going to happen for sure? No. Now, if something does happen (life as you know it up to that point,) it’s over.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

golfer1939 said:


> No Said that the following day. When she first told me was when I walked in a mid-sunday morning. I expressed a little bit of
> That's strange....uhm really are you serious...?" it was the dayafter or two when I told her my feelings about it. told her it's a boundary thing, unwritten rule and makes me uncomfortable. (and likely because of insecurity)


Dude, you are very passive and timid.

Your wife is DATING another man:



golfer1939 said:


> Strains as in the ups/downs marriages can go through, she's what I say "controlling" has to plan and have details, notations on everything. He's from out of town 5 hours away. was in town for a 50th birhday party. I have no idea if his wife knows, she's back home. I didn't insist because I just walked in the house at 10:45am and she said "Oh I'm going to go meet jason at the diner..." I was somewhat caught off and said that is strange and she didn't get why it was strange.
> 
> as the previous poster said "rubbing my face in it" yeah does feel like that at times. We all (some) don't have the picture-perfect world we envisioned.


You need to shut this down.

You need to tell your wife in assertive tone that she is NOT allowed to DATE him or another man, period. This is how you define a martial boundary as a MAN. This is not insecurity but an attempt to PROTECT your marriage.

You are in danger of getting walked over and discarded otherwise.

This guy is financially strong and radiates confidence? What could possibly go wrong?

Make your call.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Can someone remind me where f28’s post about the progression for an affair is?


Hi Evinrude58. I just read your comment… is there such a post (about the evolution of an affair)? I’d be extremely interested to read it…


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Most affairs happen with close friends.


It’s a summer classic. Akin to people feeling like their #1 problem are great white sharks, tornados or COVID.

That which is going to give you the most joy and pain is right next to you. And they’re human.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

JBLH said:


> It’s a summer classic. Akin to people feeling like their #1 problem are great white sharks, tornados or COVID.
> 
> That which is going to give you the most joy and pain is right next to you. And they’re human.


More than half are with colleagues from workplace. And some professions like education and medical are much more prone to cheating.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> More than half are with colleagues from workplace. And some professions like education and medical are much more prone to cheating.


Schools are a cesspool of cheating. Like people would be up in arms if they only knew what these animals do.

Worst story I ever heard was of a group of 10-15 swinger teachers/social workers/psychologists in Long Island, NY (although they worked in Queens, NY). These animals used to have get togethers during the summer break. They had their wives send out invitations to all the new female teachers (NFT) and make it sound like it was a girls-only party. Once the NFTs got there, they quickly found out that everyone else had brought their (male) companions with them.

My understanding is that most of the NFTs left after a couple of drinks because they knew it was totally inappropriate for them to be there, but a few stayed. Toward the end of the night they would hint to these NFTs that they should engage in all this sexual innuendo (games, dancing, etc) and some DID end up sleeping with their coworkers. In one of these parties, there was a girl that was known for not wanting to cheat but she used to attend anyway because she didn’t care. At one point, she let down her guard and she slept with one of the (married coworkers) while his wife was making out with another teacher and her partner was sound asleep at home. Once they act was finished, they went back to the party and everyone stood up and applauded.

Some of these people are sick


----------



## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

You see


Rus47 said:


> Your wife sees your insecurity, (1) enjoys using it against you, and (2) *doesn't respect you*. She walks all over you and will continue to do so because you tolerate it. Your kids see it too. Do they disrespect you also?
> 
> You can't really change who you are. Maybe your personality has always been conflict avoidant and maybe you have always been an insecure person. But for sure with your wife, and most ( but not all ) women, it won't do you any favors. They expect confidence in a male and if it isn't there it actually distresses them and makes THEM insecure.
> 
> ...


You seem to glorify abusive manipulative controllers, whereas I just think they are stupid and disgusting lol


----------

