# Feeling so Isolated...



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'm really having a bad morning. My dh and I are arguing. I can usually avoid the arguing by ignoring him, but this morning he is rather driving me crazy because he just seems so....so whatever.

My dh for whatever reason has decided our daughter, who is a senior (21 in August) in college, needs a retirement savings plan. The Keogh thing. SHE is neutral on it, has thanked dh for his concern over her future, but being so YOUNG and just getting college under her belt, and having the future looming at her...well, she just isn't showing my dh the FOCUS on this retirement thing HE thinks she should.

SO, he *****es at ME about HER not showing him gratefulness, answering his texts on her phone (he is obsessive compulsive and sends messages like: "Call me" without explanation of WHY she is to call...and I imagine he sends her these so OFTEN as he is obsessed with this IRA(Keogh) retirement thing....)

But he is driving ME crazy, and he keeps demanding I figure out why she does not call him, and that I should get on the phone and "find out why she isn't calling me.."

I also think part of it is that SHE lives in Baltimore near her college. My dh is in the Baltimore area nearly weekly but he has NEVER gone to see her or taken her to dinner or made her FEEL special...so I KNOW she feels hurt over that.

I just got angry at my dh and told him that his DEMAND to "call me" by texting without explaining to HER WHY isn't going to get a response. I said: "You DEMAND DEMAND DEMAND...you can do that at work, as YOU are in charge, but you are not in charge of HER...she has a LIFE, she is working 48 hours a week..."

I was just so angry and now am crying and feel so alone and isolated as if HE just doesn't GET things, that are SOOOO obvious!

I just want to GO AWAY from his stupid inability to UNDERSTAND how the rest of the world THINKS!

And if I have to listen to ONE MORE MINUTE of the Congress. hearings on SOTOMAYER I am going to SCREAM! He turned it on at 0830 this MORNING!!!!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It's ALWAYS: I hate that blood sucking senator, or I hate that [email protected] bitc# Pelosi.

I just get so TIRED of the foul language, the spewing of hate he constantly verbalizes...the UPSET.

Growing up we NEVER used foul language or spewed hate and ill will.

I just can't stand it....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hey

Its a bad day all round I think. Life is really crap sometimes isn't it.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

(((*** HUGS ***))) Sandy.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

hope your day gets better


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi Sandy.

I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there and dont let him get you down. Constantly negative people will wear on you eventually. Its happened to me too and has changed my personality. My mother tells me she misses her smiling little boy. Im trying to start changing that now.

You need a distraction. Grab a nice cup of tea and sit out in the sun and daydream for bit.

Get a hug from one of your kids. Heck, they should be hugging you daily for what you put up with for them!!!

Do something for you!!

Were here for you

Take care.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Thanks, everyone. 

I am just waiting for the 9th of August when I move out. Sometimes it really weighs on my mind "is this the right thing or is this the wrong thing" or "will I be able to support myself?" or "He is really going to get nasty and mean when I am gone (as that is what happened before when I tried to leave the first time...).

I try NOT to think about it all. 27 more days. He leaves on the 23rd to go to work, he is on vacation now. I hate when he goes on vacation, he hangs around here with his negativity, we never DO anything...and if I just get up and DO something or GO, he just finds something negative to say about it or acts indignant that I didn't consult him. I don't consult him because he never has a "can do" attitude, always a "why it can't be done...."


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Thanks, everyone.
> 
> I am just waiting for the 9th of August when I move out. Sometimes it really weighs on my mind "is this the right thing or is this the wrong thing" or "will I be able to support myself?" or "He is really going to get nasty and mean when I am gone (as that is what happened before when I tried to leave the first time...).
> 
> ...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

IMO, He's ticked off at something else, but is taking it out on you through your Daughter's situation.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sandy.....I understand. August 9th is coming soon! I know not soon enough on days like this! 

Do something fun with a girlfriend or kid of yours. 

That negativity kills people and ruins relationship...I hate negative people (hey was that statement negative?) haha


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Everyone involved needs to txt him back...FO!


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

The more out of touch with reality my wife becomes, the more I think she has a chemical imabalance - might be bi-polar.

Logic just doesn't work with some people. We can see it - and it starts to make us CRAZY too!!

Sorry for your bad day.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Your now a week closer to move out date.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Hope you're feeling better, Sandy! 3 weeks to go!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yup, yup, yup! 19 days...or maybe 20?! I can't remember if July has 31 days. Some people have this little riddle about the months, but I can't even remember the stupid riddle....

dcrim: you mentioned hash the other day on a thread and I have been having a yearning for the damn stuff! With eggs, and toast....and raspberry jam on the toast! And the Sunday paper...

OH, I know what I am having next Sunday MORNING for breakfast, dcrim!

Thanks, am feeling much better. Probably cause I took it out on scrubbing these darn floors!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Sandy! Here's another HUG for you! Hope tomorrow is better--it will put you one day closer to moving time I think you should get one of those big calenders to mark the days off. You know the ones children have at Christmas to count down the days. Well, you need a big MOVING OUT calender where your dh can see it. Then, enjoy marking the days off!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i would never throw a party for someone who is leaving me.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> i would never throw a party for someone who is leaving me.



You obviously are not married to my dh, and I am not so sure the party was for HIM!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i would not throw a party for someone who was leaving me.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:scratchhead: RC?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> dcrim: you mentioned hash the other day on a thread and I have been having a yearning for the damn stuff! With eggs, and toast....and raspberry jam on the toast! And the Sunday paper...
> 
> OH, I know what I am having next Sunday MORNING for breakfast, dcrim!


I'd be glad to fix for you  Once in a while.  

mmmm, sounds yummy!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yup, about once a year! Am trying to maintain my tone and somewhat shape!  

I was 150 pounds when I was 16, looked great in a bikini...._oh those were the days my friend, we thought would never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day......_


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Yup, yup, yup! 19 days...or maybe 20?! I can't remember if July has 31 days. Some people have this little riddle about the months, but I can't even remember the stupid riddle....
> 
> Its not a stupid riddle as it can save you time:
> 
> ...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Or use the knuckle method...start with the left hand pinkie knuckle. Include the space between them. 

Count off the months (continue to the right hand as needed)...every month on a knuckle has 31 days! 

The valleys 30 and you know February is the odd one.

the rest of that little ditty, Preso...
"excepting February alone, 
which has but 28 in fine, 
'til leap year gives it 29"


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

See, you two know the rhyme! I can't ever remember it or the knuckles thing...which knuckle do you start with the left pinky one or the right, do you skip the thumb or what??


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> Hi Sandy.
> 
> I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there and dont let him get you down. Constantly negative people will wear on you eventually. Its happened to me too and has changed my personality. My mother tells me she misses her smiling little boy. Im trying to start changing that now.
> 
> ...


Good advice D.A. My mom is the worst person to be around for being negative. Unfortunately I picked up her little trait and my dh hates it.  I can't help it and I am trying to change. I can have a 5 min. phone conversation with her and it rears its ugly head...then its time for me to hang up. Anyway...didn't mean to steal Sandy's thread...

Sandy...hang in there...bad day will go just like any other. At least you have us huh?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Thanks for all the support! 

Our son, going on 16 just got back from Baltimore last night, late. He forgot his cell phone charger at his sister's, where he was staying. My dh got on him BIG time. DS isn't happy he forgot his phone charger, either. 

Then my dh says: "Since I am in a good mood  I'm going to give you a break...". An then dh proceeds to rag on DS for five minutes about responsibility, yadda, yadda, yadda. 

NOW dh is ragging on DS about his Scouting responsibilties.... 

The kid has only been HOME 18 hours....and dh is just ragging on this son...and this son is a great son! Very few issues with him, etc! I want to ring dh's neck.

Older DS/23 told dh tonight he is "always negative"....dh says: "No I'm not...blah, blah, blah...". DH was ragging on older son about some FAA form on the internet DS could not get to work right and DH blamed son! OMG. Blaming son for FAA form issues online....

It never ENDS! I do all this stuff to make dh not rag on everyone - encouraged him to take a nap, brought him coffee in bed when nap was done...he complained earlier that "my t shirt supply is getting low, no clean ones in here"...(there were two still) so I washed all the tshirts I could find....

BUT he still complains about little crap....

18 more days......:smthumbup:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy, I'm so glad you're getting out! That's BS! 

Are you taking the kids, too? They don't need to be left/stuck with him. Too bad you can't get him out and stay in the house...

Anent the knuckle thing...start with pinkie knuckle on either hand, count towards the opposite pinkie, skip the thumbs.  The forefingers should be July & August.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Sandy he sounds like a spoiled brat. 

Has he read "don't sweat the small stuff"? Maybe he needs to...I am and trying to learn that life is too short to worry about all the little crap I want to gripe at everyone about.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

DH forgets my daughter (not his) was diagnosed with brain cancer....everything is small stuff after that event. 

That was truly traumatic, so out of the blue! Who gives a rip about a cell phone charger??? 

dcrim: so, Jan is my little pinkie finger knuckle, which is UP for 31 days?? and Sept has 30 days, as it is the valley between my pointer finger and my middle finger? 

No one EVER explained it to me before....I never went to kindergarten, LOL, it is one of those things...I am bad at remembering poems so could never do it the other way....

Boy do I look silly sitting here on the couch practicing, dcrim!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy! ROTFLOL (literally!!!)! I can imagine!  

I remembered the poem, but the knuckle method was MUCH easier!  Yes, Sep has 30 days (in the valley). 

I don't know about kindergarten (btw, German for children gardens)...but I didn't learn the knuckle thing until well into adulthood. 

Ah, girl...soon, soon...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

still laughing at the image of you "practicing"! LOL sorry, sorry...not making fun...it does take a bit to get it down!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

why did you throw a party for a man who is leaving you


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> why did you throw a party for a man who is leaving you


RC: My dh isn't leaving me.... 

This makes me sound terrible, but I wish he were leaving me! I read these stories here about how a man leaves his wife, has affair, etc, and I feel very bad for them. 

But honestly, I am not _sure_ any other woman would have my dh. Maybe that is why he hasn't had any affairs (that I know of) but he is also obsessed with me. It isn't that he isn't good looking, neat and clean, makes good money, etc....it is just that he has "issues" he has always refused to face, and now it is costing him his marriage to me. People change and grow, need to grow in life, become more and live fully. 

I am not perfect, but I am worth working on himself for to keep, I would think. I am worth keeping promises, I think. I don't think I deserve his dying of cancer before my very eyes when I clearly told him from day ONE I'd not do that, as it hurts too much. I've had too much hurt and pain in my life to do that in later life, RC. 

Maybe he just cannot do what he needs to do, "step up to the plate in our marriage", and that is fine if he cannot. I don't have to hang around to see him destroy himself and everyone around him with his OCD and hardheaded, blind attitudes about life and people.

I am leaving him. I just need space to re-evaluate a crossroad in my life. And that is: Do I destroy ME for HIM? Is THAT what marriage is about? ONE destroying themselves to "save" the other - and even the "save" being "iffy"? 

I have no other man on the side, I don't think he has any woman on the side. Am just rather exhausted at working on this marriage Twenty seven years of struggling to make it "fit" better, well, I think I've given it a fair chance. 

We've been married 24 years on Monday next week. 

Things never have gotten better.....

SO, I found a job 80 miles away, found myself a small house, am separating myself from him, to see if being apart feels better. 

Maybe I am being selfish, but I don't think being the only one trying in a marriage of 24 years is selfish....just discouraging, and I have just reached my limit, I believe. 

Life is too short to shove all my living down, to let him live his isolated, narrow minded existence. I am tired of nicely asking for him to get some help. He won't even try to change himself as he thinks he has nothing to fix.

I don't know...maybe being apart for a while will help me open my eyes to what I "have". God, I hope so, because I can't see it from here.

(My ds23 arranged the 60th birthday party, I just went along with it, if it seemed like I gave it, sorry for giving that impression....my ds23 looks for reasons to have parties....on my dime....)


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

RC, I went out on a huge emotional limb to love this man. Every person in my life, who I loved, as a child, hurt me _terribly_. I had many issues I worked on before I met dh, years of HARD HARD painful work and healing to even GET to the point of letting myself love and _trust_ ANYONE. 

It was very hard for me to attach to dh, as you may imagine...so when I committed to my dh, I TOLD him (as he smoked when we dated): "You must quit smoking if you want me, because if you don't stop, and I love you, I will lose you to cancer. I can lose you to something you have no control over, but you cannot have me and smoking too, as it will kill you before my very eyes...".

That is the major reason, there are a host of other "issues" I never knew he had....that he refuses to work on.

(Sorry, didn't mean to get into this long stuff...)


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Goodness sandy.. what a story  ((HUGS)) Sounds like you are moving to Kerrville... that's where i'm looking if I lose the house. 

Good luck.. at least you will get some peace and quiet. Enough time and room to think about whether or not being with him is better or worse than being alone.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

thanks sandy for responding.

you're obviously a very strong woman.

if it means anything, i think you're doing the right thing.

and don't give up on love.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy...I'm so sorry for the smoking thing. I'm sure you know I do and that it's a VERY HARD habit to break (even harder than heroin, I've heard).

My kids have mentionted this to me...but bottom line, it's MY choice to continue or quit. And I recognize I'm too weak to quit. 

Everyone dies...the manner and method varies. No one gets out of this life alive. 

Love, laugh, live...and celebrate life! Not death. We all experience that. 

(((*** HUGS ***))) girl! I know you don't have much time left...just be by yourself when he dies. Alone. I expect to do the same thing...die on my own. I WILL tell the hospital "NO VISITORS"! Once I'm gone, it won't matter.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

snix11 said:


> Goodness sandy.. what a story  ((HUGS)) Sounds like you are moving to Kerrville... that's where i'm looking if I lose the house.
> 
> Good luck.. at least you will get some peace and quiet. Enough time and room to think about whether or not being with him is better or worse than being alone.


Snix: I wanted to live in hill country around Kerrville. DH says "Too remote". Sigh. He is a "city-boy" and I am "country-girl". I'd die for a rural address and a couple acres.

Thanks...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> thanks sandy for responding.
> 
> you're obviously a very strong woman.
> 
> ...


Thanks RC, sometimes I don't feel strong, I feel like I am dumping on him sometimes, but I truly would never do that to anyone.

I am getting very close to giving up on love...

I think I am just bad at picking men.... Terrible at it apparently.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Sandy...I'm so sorry for the smoking thing. I'm sure you know I do and that it's a VERY HARD habit to break (even harder than heroin, I've heard).
> My kids have mentionted this to me...but bottom line, it's MY choice to continue or quit. And I recognize I'm too weak to quit.
> Everyone dies...the manner and method varies. No one gets out of this life alive.
> Love, laugh, live...and celebrate life! Not death. We all experience that.
> (((*** HUGS ***))) girl! I know you don't have much time left...just be by yourself when he dies. Alone. I expect to do the same thing...die on my own. I WILL tell the hospital "NO VISITORS"! Once I'm gone, it won't matter.


I know it is your choice dcrim, and that is OK if that is your decision. I am sorry it is something you are stuck with in your brain. 

Marrying a man who smokes was not _my_ conscious decision. I re-iterated my stance to DH _*many*_ times over the two years we dated. He reassured me over and over he'd quit the "day we marry". Then he stopped, I thought....but that lasted a week (the honeymoon). How bad is that? And I got pregnant on our honeymoon....old fertile Myrtle me.... So then I was STUCK, hoping and hoping he'd beat it forever. I even thought about divorcing him for fraud, but that looks so stupid...I thought. 

BUT he does not even actively try, knowing my stance on this. When our ds23 started smoking, well I just went nuts.  Three out of four of our kids do not smoke. DS 23 models himself after his father, and sure enough, he smokes, too.  Now I have TWO men walking around the house hacking away.

DH is now 60; I woke this morning to his hacking, wet cough and thought, "WHY doesn't HE go to a DOCTOR!??" I cannot even MENTION his cough or he gets mad at ME. 

Then later in the morning he was at the computer and he sort of gagged suddenly, scared the heck out of me, I ran over to him, but he waved me away, said: "I swallowed wrong..." gasping. Well, he has been complaining of feeling like something is in his throat for months now...

I am constantly worrying, I can't live like this. He can't jog a quarter mile or go up two flights of stairs without stopping!

My mother died of this, I sat there holding her hand as she was fighting for each breath, her O2 sat was 58 for days! It should be 98. Her heart rate was 112 all the time! She was only 72 and would have lived to 100 had she not smoked til she was 60. She quit at 60. My dh is now 60....and hasn't even come close to quitting, ever.

He has said to me: "Well, I'll probably be dead by 70, you only have 10 years to wait....". What is THAT??? Oh, thanks,dh, I get to watch you die for 10 years, then watch you in chemo, decline and then bury your butt. Oh, fun, just what I signed up for.

SORRY. Venting here.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy, I know it's hard to watch. I did quit once for about 3 years (mid 80s). But stress and a liquid lunch with an EA got me started again. 

I can't afford the pills, not covered by insurance (those idiots only pay for corrective, not preventative medicine!!). 

BTW, don't give up on love. Just screen better.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i understand your fear

you've seen enough

and this one is so close to home

carry on


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