# Need your advice



## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

Hi,
My name is Tai and my wife is Hu (nicknames) I am married since almost 5 years and our daughter is 4 yrs.
It started when we met through some friends and start hanging out as normal friends then we ge tin love with each other and get married as our religion we can’t live together or have kids unless we married.
I did love her for her personality and kindness and she is hot as well. Going back 6 years since we first met I did notice that she is quite strong woman but didn’t see that she wants to be in control of everything.
We had lots of arguing during our engagement but she used to have a step back and let me cool down and it works well. My family tried to keep me away from this marriage but I did trust her and trust that she can change her bad temper and swearing at me because I was swearing back.
Unfortunate, few weeks after our marriage she got pregnant and during most of the pregnancy she was OK we never had a major conflict during that time but there as always the feel she sending to me that I cannot fulfill all her needs (not sexual) I lived with the feeling of guilt and need with her even I did spend everything on her and never expect a return.
When my daughter comes I start to feel really loved at my home from my daughter and many times from my wife but every single day we have together if it is a great day it would end up with ****.
Maybe it is me maybe it is her I don’t really know but most of the time I analyze the problems and find that she pissing me off and driving me crazy.
She ask for a divorce hundreds of time and when she cool down she say I just ask for it but never really meant it. I’m sick of this life I’m sick of not feeling happy and loved I’m sick of yelling and ignorance.
If I don’t have child from her I would divorce her without even a think but it is only my daughter that I don’t her to be raised away from her dad. She is all I have and all I need in this life and I’m really not sure how she will grow her up!
I hate living with her but my daughter is just keeping me tight and don’t want my daughter to get lost after me but can’t live this life as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are the laws where you live? What percentage of the time do you think that you will have with your daughter if you get a divorce?

Is there counseling available where you live? It might help to tell your wife that you cannot live with this anger anymore. You want her to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can learn to have a better marriage.


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## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

Thanks for your reply.

We have done many counselling through friends and family but nothing works.

If we get divorced I can still see my daughter as per law here. The main issue I feel myself so weak to take this decision knowing that our life together is really hard but can not let my daughter go through parental divorce because I personally lived it. My daughter is literally my whole world, I did ask her if she want the divorce I can give it to you now if only you leave my daughter with me and I not getting married again but she refuse and I understand.

I am no angel I have my ups and downs as well but I never hurt her physically never get home drunk or on drugs or slept with another girl. I have a good job good life luv my kid and try my best to keep them happy. She is not cheating on me and I know that but it is just her ego and love to control everything is killing me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you will not leave her then you have to do what you can to learn coping skills. Get into counseling for yourself. Tell the counselor what is going on and figure out ways to deal with this.

For one thing you need to refuse to ever interact with your wife when she's having a screaming/angry fit. Just tell her that you will no longer engage in this angry nonsense. That when you can tell it's going to get out of hand, that you will say "STOP" as a safe word and then you will go to another room, or go for a walk, etc. Take your daughter with you if you can. Tell her that its' her job to calm herself down. You will be happy to have a conversation with her when she can control her anger.

I had a husband who was physically and emotionally abusive. I could not leave him until I could be sure that I would get primary custody of our 3 year old son as I was not about to leave a small child with him. So I used the "STOP" safe word and refused to engage in the anger. It took a couple of months but it ended most of the anger and his attacking me. He learned to go take a bike ride or a walk for an hour so he could calm down. 

The solution is not perfect but it can help a lot. There is a good book that I got this idea from "The Dance Of Anger".

Just to let you knew I did divorce him about 4 years later as I found out that he was cheating on me our entire 14 year marriage. And I was able to get primary custody. But at least I was able to live in relative safety and peace after I started the "STOP" thing.


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## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

I did that couple of times and trust me when I leave her alone she get even more angry.

I know I have to leave her I know that would be the best solution for both of us but Is that a good one for my kid?!!

There is no one who can really love and play patiently with any kid than his or her own parents!!!

How is your kids coping with the separation? What age did you explain to them what happen?


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Is all of this behavior happening in front of your child?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tai said:


> I did that couple of times and trust me when I leave her alone she get even more angry.
> 
> I know I have to leave her I know that would be the best solution for both of us but Is that a good one for my kid?!!
> 
> ...


You have to tell her when she's not angry that you are going to do the "STOP" thing. Explain that the reason for it is to put an end to the angry outbursts.

You might also want to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and get recordings of your wife yelling and carrying on. This way you have proof of what she is going. Find out the law for such recordings where you live. You might be able to use them as proof that your wife cannot parent your child. Do you know what she's like with your child when you are not there? If you want to find out puts some VARs and/or hidden cameras in your house. There is a good chance that she treats your child the same way she treats you when you are not there.

My son (DS) was about 8 when I left his father. By that time DS was begging me to leave his father. Any time I had to go out and wanted to leave DS with his father, DS would beg me not to leave him alone with his dad. I asked him why… his answer was “When you are gone he treats me like he treats you.”

DS does not know about the infidelities. He does know that his father can be a very mean man as he lived it. So, as I said he wanted to get away from his father as well.

DS is now 25. He’s getting his master’s in Physics. He did fine with the divorce. He did spend time with his father when we were divorce. But I was able to get the court to order his father to do 2 years of counseling and anger management in order to spend time with our son. 

When DS was 15 he refused to spend any more overnights at his father’s because of his father’s anger and violent outbursts. This happened after his father tried to go after DS physically. DS is taller and just physically more athletic than his father.. and DS picked his father up and slammed him into the wall telling his father to never, ever put a hand on him again.

Since then they have developed a good relationship on DS’s terms. They go on vacations together. DS visits his father 1-2 times a week. His father is paying for DS’s education. So in the long run the two of them have settled their differences and all is going well.

DS still lives with me as I promised to help him that is way through school.

I think that leaving DS’s father was a very smart thing for me to do for both DS and me. My son learned some very good lessons, for example no one has to put up with being mistreated.


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## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

Hi Thanks you all for the comments. I did ask her that we should and must go for a divorce and she agreed but I feel seeing my child would not be as easy as I expect because of now we living in different countries and I don't really know what would be her real reaction when divorce take place...

I made something that may help me to cope with the separation. I create and e-mail under my daughters name and I start to send her letters on my life whats happening around me and show her my love and in case of my death or she become 18 while I'm alive will give her the pass and email myself or one of my close friend to her.

Today I would like to share with you my first e-mail to her and because it doesn't have any specific details on names or places or events I need your help am I going in the right direction is it ok that when my gurl become 18 and start reading that will give her a better picture of her dad or going to break her?!! I really appreciate your help.





_"Hope you can read this one day. I decide to write you a letter every week at least once cuz you the only person who really I trust and want to talk to.

I am in the middle of a fight with your mom and not sure yet how it would go. your mom is a great person so do I but we didn not come to the understanding point where we can respect and share everything together.

Remember honey that respect is everything there is nothing worse than partners who doesn't respect each other. I don't really know how I can survive without you next to me and I would love to but things got really complicated and you are not anymore safe while you and mom living together.

I luv you and I will always do love you for the rest of my life regardless of what you thinking of me. When I first knew your mom is pregnant I use to talk to you before I sleep I use to sing to you and read Quraan for you while you sleeping in your mummy tummy and when you born and i touched you i felt that I own everything in the world.

I used to get half naked and you in your pampers and put you on my tummy and hug you then staying there for hours. You had been and you will always be my angel and my first and last real love.

What I went through with your mum just break me apart and If there is anything left in me not broken I would continue but I can't and I am sorry for putting you in such a situation.

Your first walk was like oh god best everything happen I kept praying god for you to walk and then kept praying Allah for you to talk and will always pray for Allah to keep you safe and healthy.

first word you said was Daddy and still have your voice saying it in my mind over and over and the other word when we missed your ballet lesson and you ask me if we can go for a lovely walk if this point of time comes back I would stay with you for hours walking together while holding each other hands and when you tried will left you up on my shoulder till you say I want to go back home....

This is for today and will keep writing and writing and hope one day you can read this."_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you living in a country away from your daughter?

I thought that you were living with your wife.

The chances of an email account still existing when your daughter is grown is next to zero. You need to keep a hard copy in a safe place.


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## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

We used to live together but my job took me another place where they moved with me but my wife don't want to live here anymore.

will print it and keep it safe you right.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you get some kind of custody arrangement where you get to have your daughter part of the time? She could travel to where you are and stay with you for extended vacations.


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## Tai (Aug 4, 2014)

I can do that but I told my wife when divorce happen we will not be anymore friends but we don't need to be enemies so its her call now


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