# Husbands advice appreciated



## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Last night I wanted sex very badly, but didn't want to initiate. I really don't know why I didn't initiate since I wanted it so badly that I didn't sleep much and dreamed about sex all night long. I know he wouldn't have rejected me, but I think that's just the point. I worry that I"m imposing on him or something. I think my thinking is slightly warped where I think, "If he really wanted it then he would come get it so he must not want it so I shouldn't ask." Don't get me wrong, I do initiate at least once a week, but I find the sex much more fulfilling when he comes after it. 

Anyway last night I wanted it, and at one point H put down his book and spooned me (which he doesn't do very often) and I thought, "OH yes, I'm gonna get some." I thought I indicated positive feelings by "purring" and snuggling back into him, but nothing happened. So I assumed he just wanted to cuddle. I was disappointed but didn't act (doh!!!). This morning we were talking about last night and he told me that he "tried to get something going" but I was "sleeping!???" I told him that I wasn't and he said, "I rubbed my erection into your ass and you didn't respond." I'm so disappointed in this. It's been bothering me all day while he's been at work. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't even notice ( he's not small by any means, I thought he had one but wasn't sure). I guess I was just hoping he would take me forcefully and I was too stubborn to reciprocate. So now I"m really mad at myself and feeling like an idiot.

I think that's related to my second question...I have been reading MMSL and I realized that I really do love being dominated in bed. My husband is already pretty dominant in our marriage as it is. He's just really type A, alpha personality. He wasn't always this way as I've said in other posts but this aspect of his personality kind of evolved (it was always there under the surface) and become more outwardly obvious to everyone. So of course now that he's fairly alpha with a huge dose of Beta (he cooks for me all the time, he takes care of the kids, he always sacrifices his monetary wishes in order to give me whatever I want), I want him terribly but I want him to tone down the Beta in bed. I've kinda hinted at it and playfully asked me to spank me (which he does very lightly), but he still really hasn't unleashed that real Alpha in bed. He's not wimpy by any means and I really enjoy sex, but I'm so trusting of him that I would love him to know he has carte blanche to take me whenever he wants. I've always had these fantasies and it's only recently that I've begun to consciously admit them to myself and hint at them to my husband. I'm terrified he's going to think I'm crazy or damaged. How do I get him to understand?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I can't address the whole Alpha/Beta thing, but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't initiate, and I think you should ponder that some more. I think men like that, they hate to always be the one starting things, and it makes them feel desired. What stopped you?


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I am pondering that. That's what disturbs me most. I do initiate a good deal. Last month I initiated every day for two weeks. I think I'm now swinging the other way to see if he'll take the bait and come after me? I also initiated the last time we had sex by jumping on him on the couch.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> What the h*ll is wrong with me?


Nothing is wrong with you. He just wasn't in the mood, or he's not real aggressive when it comes to this stuff.

If my LD W purred while we were spooning, I'd make the bed dance across the floor.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll tell you what I've learned in 20 years of marriage. Life is too short for these frickin games. You want to get laid, tell him. JFC! You want him to be dominant? Well if the relationship doesn't start that way from the beginning then many guys won't just "take" that role. You have to give him permission. Once he knows that you want to be submissive then he'll feel like he can just take you. You know, you're laying there frustrated and he's frustrated and thinking he's being respectful. Quit trying to manipulate him into the lover you want. Tell him. He can make it happen, but he needs to know it's ok.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

My feeling is -- and I may be way off here -- but who cares who initiates it - as long as he/she is really into it when things get going and the initiating spouse is not rejected.

As far as your second point --- tell him -- maybe not in the middle of the act -- but in a normal conversation when you are discussing world politics !!

I am joking about the world politics -- but have a sex/dominate me in bed next time in a conversation.

Just my 2 cents !!

Have FUN !!:smthumbup:


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

There are ways of 'initiating' without being the 'dominant' one.

Show him you're ready for sex - invite him to ravage you 

Flirt with him whilst being coy and playfully shy. Again, it'll will show him you're in a sexy mood, and encourage him to take on the leading alpha role.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks Little Bird. I think you're right on this. I think he will come around eventually but I think he's in the same boat as me....i.e. not wanting to start something if I don't want it too. 

There were a few years in the past that I would reject his advances and I think he's still a little gun shy even thought I haven't said no in the year since my youngest son was sleeping at regular intervals and said no very little in the time before the youngest was conceived. 

I just think he has this repressed dominant side that he's bottled up thinking that all women want it slow and gentle with candles. He's coming around slowly. Any advice to speed up the process is appreciated. LOL.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

happylovingwife said:


> I think I'm now swinging the other way to see if he'll take the bait and come after me?


Quit playing games and then wondering why about the outcomes.
Do what feels good. You may get rejected every once in a while, I think everyone does.
Hell, my wife doesn't toss her clothes on the floor and go to her knees every time I mention sex, no one does that I know of.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

DanF said:


> Quit playing games and then wondering why about the outcomes.
> Do what feels good. You may get rejected every once in a while, I think everyone does.
> Hell, my wife doesn't toss her clothes on the floor and go to her knees every time I mention sex, no one does that I know of.


You're right. I didn't think of it as playing games, just tempting him, but you're right. It's very unbecoming of me to act this way. I will try to be more truthful with my intents.

THe problem I'm having is that I want sex EVERY DAY and sometimes twice lately. It's crazy. I feel like I can empathize with men for the first time in my life. THe problem is that I don't think every day is his ideal. He works out in the yard all day and gets tired some days. Other days he's just drained. So I am guessing his desired frequency is in the every other day to every two days range right now. I just don't want to add one more chore to his already long list (did I mention he's type A?). I know he rarely rejects me (though he will at times, last week after a day at the beach for example) because he feels like less of a man or some other nonsense if he doesn't jump at the opportunity.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> You're right. I didn't think of it as playing games, just tempting him, but you're right. It's very unbecoming of me to act this way. I will try to be more truthful with my intents.
> 
> THe problem I'm having is that I want sex EVERY DAY and sometimes twice lately. It's crazy. I feel like I can empathize with men for the first time in my life. THe problem is that I don't think every day is his ideal. He works out in the yard all day and gets tired some days. Other days he's just drained. So I am guessing his desired frequency is in the every other day to every two days range right now. I just don't want to add one more chore to his already long list (did I mention he's type A?). I know he rarely rejects me (though he will at times, last week after a day at the beach for example) because he feels like less of a man or some other nonsense if he doesn't jump at the opportunity.


Just to lighten the mood of this thread and not to offend you HLW but buy stock in Duracell Battery Co.. Your make money as the stock goes up and have many new toys (with batteries) for release -- of course when husband is tired.

Seriously --- just communicate and jump his bones -- if he is tired there are other ways he can please you without too much exertion on his part.

Like I said before -- just HAVE FUN ...and go for it !!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

happylovingwife said:


> You're right. I didn't think of it as playing games, just tempting him, but you're right. It's very unbecoming of me to act this way. I will try to be more truthful with my intents.
> 
> THe problem I'm having is that I want sex EVERY DAY and sometimes twice lately. It's crazy. I feel like I can empathize with men for the first time in my life. THe problem is that I don't think every day is his ideal. He works out in the yard all day and gets tired some days. Other days he's just drained. So I am guessing his desired frequency is in the every other day to every two days range right now. I just don't want to add one more chore to his already long list (did I mention he's type A?). I know he rarely rejects me (though he will at times, last week after a day at the beach for example) because he feels like less of a man or some other nonsense if he doesn't jump at the opportunity.


maybe just maybe your husband has been waiting for you to peek sexually. don't waste any more time being silly about starting things. I bet if you would have said honey I've been thinking about your hard **** all day will will just f*** me already he would have came in in pants!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

DanF said:


> Quit playing games and then wondering why about the outcomes.
> Do what feels good. You may get rejected every once in a while, I think everyone does.
> Hell, my wife doesn't toss her clothes on the floor and go to her knees every time I mention sex, no one does that I know of.


i had an ex that would NEVER turn me down but would never initiate.
to me it got old and made me feel as if i wasnt sure she was just doing it to please me or not because she would never initiate herself.
i think it helps the man feel desired if she initiates at least once in a while. at least for some guys i guess.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay sex is sex. Why are you over thinking it soooooo much. Listen to you gut and go for it. If your man is too tired to perform get on top and ride him for all he's worth. If he can get it up I am sure he will appreciate it. Now if he is sooo tired that he just can't do it then leave him alone. Try to wake him up for some fun in the morning. But sex should be fun and spontaneous. If you are hoping for the perfect set of circumstances to play out then you will be disappointed a lot.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> Last night I wanted sex very badly, but didn't want to initiate. I really don't know why I didn't initiate since I wanted it so badly that I didn't sleep much and dreamed about sex all night long. I know he wouldn't have rejected me, but I think that's just the point. I worry that I"m imposing on him or something. I think my thinking is slightly warped where I think, "If he really wanted it then he would come get it so he must not want it so I shouldn't ask." Don't get me wrong, I do initiate at least once a week, but I find the sex much more fulfilling when he comes after it.
> 
> Anyway last night I wanted it, and at one point H put down his book and spooned me (which he doesn't do very often) and I thought, "OH yes, I'm gonna get some." I thought I indicated positive feelings by "purring" and snuggling back into him, but nothing happened. So I assumed he just wanted to cuddle. I was disappointed but didn't act (doh!!!). This morning we were talking about last night and he told me that he "tried to get something going" but I was "sleeping!???" I told him that I wasn't and he said, "I rubbed my erection into your ass and you didn't respond." I'm so disappointed in this. It's been bothering me all day while he's been at work. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't even notice ( he's not small by any means, I thought he had one but wasn't sure). I guess I was just hoping he would take me forcefully and I was too stubborn to reciprocate. So now I"m really mad at myself and feeling like an idiot.
> 
> I think that's related to my second question...I have been reading MMSL and I realized that I really do love being dominated in bed. My husband is already pretty dominant in our marriage as it is. He's just really type A, alpha personality. He wasn't always this way as I've said in other posts but this aspect of his personality kind of evolved (it was always there under the surface) and become more outwardly obvious to everyone. So of course now that he's fairly alpha with a huge dose of Beta (he cooks for me all the time, he takes care of the kids, he always sacrifices his monetary wishes in order to give me whatever I want), I want him terribly but I want him to tone down the Beta in bed. I've kinda hinted at it and playfully asked me to spank me (which he does very lightly), but he still really hasn't unleashed that real Alpha in bed. He's not wimpy by any means and I really enjoy sex, but I'm so trusting of him that I would love him to know he has carte blanche to take me whenever he wants. I've always had these fantasies and it's only recently that I've begun to consciously admit them to myself and hint at them to my husband. I'm terrified he's going to think I'm crazy or damaged. How do I get him to understand?


Okay, I'm just going to go off a little bit here.

How many threads have we men seen where a wife does the same type of thing here (spooning, purring whatever) and then if the husband gets the idea of "Hey, I think she wants sex" we get sh1t about it beciause then we're told "No, I didn't want sex. I wanted to just touch you (non-sexual gestures) and you turned it into something dirty!"

OP, I guess my point is if you really want to have sex, GO FOR IT and be DIRECT!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You got what you bargained for. That it blew up in your face is a separate issue. If you're humiliated by sex then perhaps this is the outcome you actually wanted. I used to have these sorts of conversations with my wife - another one who never talked about sex, made any sort move toward sex, never initiated any form of intimacy at all and then grumpily complained after the fact it was my fault because she's and I quote, the girl. Deep down what my wife wants is not sex it's suffering. And if she can make me feel as sorry for her as she does, mission accomplished.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

I think it's an ongoing problem with women who are or who want to be submissives in the bedroom. To "ask" for it takes away from the domination factor. It puts the woman in control when she really wants the man to just take control and take advantage of that "carte blanche." It can be a difficult situation that ends in a stalemate. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you in that regard. But I understand. (Sorry, not a "husband's" input; just another wife.)


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Men do not think of sex as a chore. IT is a drive! He is probably afraid of the rejections. Keep initiating. If he is a healthy male he will have sex with you twice a day. lol. I would!! Just keep touching his Penis and he will initiate more. Just tell him what you just told us. Tell him to dominate you more and he will.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'll tell you what I've learned in 20 years of marriage. Life is too short for these frickin games. You want to get laid, tell him. JFC! You want him to be dominant? Well if the relationship doesn't start that way from the beginning then many guys won't just "take" that role. You have to give him permission. Once he knows that you want to be submissive then he'll feel like he can just take you. You know, you're laying there frustrated and he's frustrated and thinking he's being respectful. Quit trying to manipulate him into the lover you want. Tell him. He can make it happen, but he needs to know it's ok.


happylovingwife, I think WorkingOnMe probably nailed it here. You're just starting to discover something about yourself... that you like being dominated in bed. Surely after xx years of marriage and that never being something you communicated before, you can't possibly expect your husband to be reading your mind.

As we go through life our bodies change and our needs change. You are now discovering something about yourself... You need to communicate this to your husband if you're going to start placing an expectation on him for it.

I'm sure he'd be more than happy to rock you in bed if he just knew that's your new direction. Men will do *anything* for their women as long as they're sure it has no repercussions.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Your wording makes it seem like you only see two choices: initiate or wait until he initiates. So much is lost, I believe, when we insist on more formal ways of communicating our sexual interest as a couple. With you wishing to focus more on a responsive role, with him being more aggressive, its important for you to develop your body language, or more subtle ways of communicating as a couple.

Every couple has their own secret language for hinting that they are in the mood. You can develop similar hints to let him know that you are responsive, if you wish him to be more aggressive about it. Whether its the sounds you make, or shifting your body, or even his hands to where you want them, men aren't as blind to these signals as women think. But when he does respond aggressively, make it obvious that this was what you wanted all along.

If you begin to teach him to study these nonverbals from you, I think he would second guess himself as to whether you are really in the mood. Fortunately, my wife and I became really comfortable with interpreting each other's moods early in the marriage, largely because she is very expressive non-verbally. Since you say that you are thinking about it a lot, this type of non-verbal communication can really start much earlier in the afternoon. For us, I like to come up from behind to put my arms around my wife's shoulders when we're working on dinner. Right away, I can tell how the evening is going to go, and how aggressive she may want me to be.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> happylovingwife, I think WorkingOnMe probably nailed it here. You're just starting to discover something about yourself... that you like being dominated in bed. Surely after xx years of marriage and that never being something you communicated before, you can't possibly expect your husband to be reading your mind.
> 
> As we go through life our bodies change and our needs change. You are now discovering something about yourself... You need to communicate this to your husband if you're going to start placing an expectation on him for it.
> 
> I'm sure he'd be more than happy to rock you in bed if he just knew that's your new direction. Men will do *anything* for their women as long as they're sure it has no repercussions.


Thanks to you and Working for that advice. I do think you are right about that. My husband would do anything for me. I think I have to be a little more blunt in my desires. I've been trying to work up to telling him with hints but I really just gotta come out with it.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

"I have been reading MMSL and I realized that I really do love being dominated in bed. My husband is already pretty dominant in our marriage as it is. He's just really type A, alpha personality. He wasn't always this way as I've said in other posts but this aspect of his personality kind of evolved (it was always there under the surface) and become more outwardly obvious to everyone. So of course now that he's fairly alpha with a huge dose of Beta (he cooks for me all the time, he takes care of the kids, he always sacrifices his monetary wishes in order to give me whatever I want), I want him terribly but I want him to tone down the Beta in bed. I've kinda hinted at it and playfully asked me to spank me (which he does very lightly), but he still really hasn't unleashed that real Alpha in bed. He's not wimpy by any means and I really enjoy sex, but I'm so trusting of him that I would love him to know he has carte blanche to take me whenever he wants. I've always had these fantasies and it's only recently that I've begun to consciously admit them to myself and hint at them to my husband. I'm terrified he's going to think I'm crazy or damaged. How do I get him to understand?"

you just lifted this right out of my head! I posted the same darn thing a month ago. 

I'll be interested to see what answers you get.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I am a husband and a guy. And, as a guy, I will tell you that subtle hints suck and a lot of the time what you may think is a subtle hint goes WAY OVER OUR HEADS!! If you want it, TAKE IT!! Chances are HE WILL NOT TURN DOWN SEX! Guys spend 9 months out of our lives trying to get out of one and the rest of our lives trying to get back into one. 

So, drop the kids off at the grandparents house for the night, go shopping at Victoria Secret, and find the sexiest thing you can find in there.

Cook him his favorite meal and when he walks in the door from work, be wearing the outfit and throw your hand up in the air and say, " HEY!!! HIGH FIVE!! Your getting laid tonight!"


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

I tend to be a bit like your husband sounds, i.e Alpha in many arenas, but Beta in bed (in my mind trying to show my respect for my wife). I would be on top of the world, however, if my wife felt the way you do, and told me directly, thereby giving me permission to take the initiative and be Alpha in the bedroom. If you're having trouble figuring out how to bring it up, I would suggest that you show him your post(s), you expressed it to us fairly clearly.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

My wife tried to "hint" this to me once, then backed out because she was embarrassed. It just left me utterly confused about what she expected from me sexually. 

If you've denied any type of dominant sexual behavior from him, you will need to be overly clear about your interest - especially if he has beta "keep you safe" tendencies. It ruins a little of the submissive fantasy, but imagine the outcome - especially if he's good ;-)

Sexy talk will encourage him. Share a fantasy; be descriptive, especially about his actions and what kind of a response you have to them, and then encourage him to make it happen. This builds trust and comfort and is really frickin' hot.

And might I suggest a skirt with no undies around the house? That is a pretty clear signal to any man, and if you're fun with it - bending at the waist to pick something up in front of him, twirling, flipping it up front and/or back - he'll respond. But, then again maybe I just have a thing for skirts...


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

OP, if you dont initiate at least sometimes, your H will feel like you dont want to do it with him. he will feel like hes harassing you maybe, which will make him stop asking for sex and/or feeling resentful. Just tell him you want a good **** and give him a few days...


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

OP, A week or so ago my wife came home from a business trip, before the trip we had sex almost every day for a week. When she got home, I was tired from being the single dad for a few days and I thought she would be tired from her trip. We lay in bed that night and she completely took control. It was effing amazing. She rarely takes the aggressive lead. Sometimes she throws out signals that she wants it, but that night she was completely aggressive. GO FOR IT. TO All the women out there: we get tired of always "putting the moves on you" sometimes we like to have the "moves put on" 
us


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I still haven't outed myself to him but my hints must be working to some extent because he's upped the aggressiveness and it's thoroughly convincing. We had sex last night. I was fully prepared to initiate but he preempted me before I got the chance (right after kids went to bed). 

I know I still need to initiate. A lot of men have been insistent upon that and I promise I will continue to initiate and let him know I think he's sexy as hell. 

I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I am wondering if men learn to truly like being dominant? At first I thought he wouldn't be able to pull it off because he loves me too much and treats me like a princess. I didn't think he could be anything but loving in bed. Now that I've started coaxing the aggressive side out, I'm noticing he's getting better and more convincing at it. I'm starting to think he almost likes it. Is that normal?

Like for example, just only a few months ago, he refused to cum anywhere on me. He thought it was "gross." We do the pull-out thing for extra contraceptive purposes with fertility awareness. So he usually had some tissue next to the bed and came in that. I started telling him (after not having any tissue nearby) that I preferred him to just cum on me rather than get up and get the tissues. After a few times of reluctance, he seemed to get into the idea. During the act, he'll say, "I'm going to cum all over you" in a throaty growl. It's so hot! Later, of course, he says "oh man what a mess" but it's progress. 

We are each other's firsts so we're really still figuring stuff out so maybe this is all stupid to most people.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I'm still reading, and no it's not stupid! I think it's great that you two are discovering things together, especially since you're both each other's firsts. 

The key thing in all of this discover is being patient with each other. You probably have this perfect image in your mind of exactly how you want him to treat you in bed... the key is trying to be patient with him in getting him to that point, and not expecting instant results. This is a work-in-progress, so he's not going to be perfect in the beginning. But with time, patience, and communication, you can both be perfect lovers to each other eventually.

The cumming all over you thing is hot... just tell him next time he cums on you that you like the mess so he shouldn't even worry about it. He should just take pride in the manly mess he just made all over you and that you love every bit of it. Guaranteed if you keep up this kind of reassurance he won't be making those sheepish comments afterwards over time.

Like I said... Time and patience :smthumbup:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

happylovingwife said:


> I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I am wondering if men learn to truly like being dominant? At first I thought he wouldn't be able to pull it off because he loves me too much and treats me like a princess. I didn't think he could be anything but loving in bed. Now that I've started coaxing the aggressive side out, I'm noticing he's getting better and more convincing at it. I'm starting to think he almost likes it. Is that normal?


Yes they can. I think a lot of men have fantasies about this, but often supress it, whether because of society, their wife, or other reasons. They do need some prompting to make sure it is safe to bring out that side of their personality. That is why hints often don't work - because they are easy to waive off in view of prior explicit talks.

As my wife has opened up to me being more aggressive, I have been able to really exercise that part of me. It was always there, just rarely let out.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks Tall Average Guy. It relieves me to know that this is something he could legitimately be into as well. You know it's not my ideal for him to have to sorta pretend to be all rough and Alpha just to satisfy my slight kink if you can even call it that. I want him to like it but I didn't know if that was asking for too much. 

To me, it's hard to imagine liking being the aggressor. It's so contrary to my own nature. I do act that way with him on occasion because I know he likes to feel wanted. Usually though that just means me initiating because when I try to get on top he can only stand it for a few minutes before he flips me over to missionary where he can thrust more vigorously. Maybe that just means he is naturally aggressive as it is and like you said I just need to give him the verbal go ahead to unleash fully. 

I guess it just interests me that men sometimes *like* being the aggressor. It's hard for me to understand. I just know I love it when they do.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

happylovingwife said:


> Thanks Tall Average Guy. It relieves me to know that this is something he could legitimately be into as well. You know it's not my ideal for him to have to sorta pretend to be all rough and Alpha just to satisfy my slight kink if you can even call it that. I want him to like it but I didn't know if that was asking for too much.
> 
> To me, it's hard to imagine liking being the aggressor. It's so contrary to my own nature. I do act that way with him on occasion because I know he likes to feel wanted. Usually though that just means me initiating because when I try to get on top he can only stand it for a few minutes before he flips me over to missionary where he can thrust more vigorously. Maybe that just means he is naturally aggressive as it is and like you said I just need to give him the verbal go ahead to unleash fully.
> 
> I guess it just interests me that men sometimes *like* being the aggressor. It's hard for me to understand. I just know I love it when they do.


Just as you like to be submissive, he (or at least me) likes to be dominant. In some ways, it is allowing my lust for my wife to just run wild, without needing to reign it in. The primal "making her mine" sort of thing. 

Part is that she does love it. Giving that to her and see that she trusts me enough to let go and experience that is awsome. 

Also, during those time I feel closer and love her more, if that makes sense. I have to imagine it is scary to go there the first couple of times, so the fact that she trusts me to do that is humbling in a way. 

It is complicated and I am certain I have not really scratched the surface, but work on accepting it (much the way you husband is hopefully working ot accept that you like it rough some times).


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