# Husband's Platonic Friend or Emotional Affair?



## kc94118 (Jul 27, 2017)

I've been with my husband just shy of 5 years (married for 1) and we have had a pretty solid relationship. Much of our relationship has included change of moving, getting settled, finishing school, and new careers, but through everything we've had a good relationship with communication and support. I trust him, but this recent situation is giving me some gut feelings and I don't know if they are justified or I'm just being paranoid. 

Recently, my husband started working a new job that he loves. He has lots of male friends and is really friendly with everyone in the office. He even has a family member in the office who helped get him the job. Soon after he was hired, another woman, Sarah, was hired. When she was first hired he said she was cute, but kind of rude. Over the first few days she softened up and they have become friends. A few weeks later he was out with some friends and she and her roommate (also a coworker) happened to be at the same bar. Eventually his friends left and he stayed to chat with his coworkers. When he came home he told me about it (I'd already seen a pic of them on fb before he got home). He was telling me they were talking about her going through a divorce and her bad ex. I find it weird that she just happened to be at this same bar that he goes to every week at that time. I then shrugged the meeting off as just a coincidence and figured it was fine since she was there with her other friend too. 

A couple weeks later, I asked him if he was going to go out to that bar again with his friends. He didn't feel like it, but later in the day called and told me that he changed his mind and was going to go out. When he comes home later at night he tells me that he told his friend that he didn't want to go out to their regular bar, and instead decided to go out to a new bar with Sarah because she was having a hard time with some drama with her ex. He told me he ran into some of his family members and they ended up all hanging out and spending time with the bar's owners. Him and Sarah went out and got some food and then she left and he headed back out to meet up with his family again. I was upset that he blew off his regular friends to go hang out with Sarah (and didn't tell me that was what he was going to do before he went and left me the impression he was at his usual spot). I'll admit, I showed my jealously and he said there was nothing to be jealous about because she was too old and had "man hands." (Even though I reminded him his ex wife had been a number of years older than him and at the time had been a coworker). He just sort of laughed and shrugged it off like innocent jealousy.

A week or two later, he was nearing the end of the workday and he told me he was going to go out to get a beer with Sarah because her ex had pulled some stuff and she was having a hard time. I liked that he was upfront with going out to meet her so I said it was ok. I know he is a caring person and likes to help out friends. The night comes and goes and he tells me about his day the next day. Apparently he came home at 12:30. He says they went to the bar, had one drink, but then decided to go back to her apartment to hang out with her roommate and roommate's kids. He then spent the rest of the evening there with his coworkers drinking and watching tv. Again, I felt uncomfortable because he didn't tell me until the next day and he was at her house (even if it was with another coworker). I know she has shared a lot of deep stuff from her past and I'm sure he has mentioned deep things from his life in conversation as well. 

I understand they are friends at work. When we got in his car I saw a list of incoming texts from only her on his screen (didn't see what they said), but he goes "oh yeah, we were talking crap about our annoying coworker all day." I know they text a lot at work about their coworkers, they sometimes go on group walks with others, etc. I just don't know if it is an innocent friendship or if more is going on. I don't think he is having an actual physical affair, but I can't help think that it is maybe blossoming to an emotional affair. 

What do you think?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

I am sure more seasoned people will be along to add more suggestions.

If everything is "above board" ask your husband to show you the texting back and forth and actually read the messages.

His response might give you an idea of where is head/heart is at.

Another tact is to try to see how many texts are going back and forth and to see them without his knowledge.

I'm not sure how old the two of you are and it seems like there are no kids involved...but spending time at a female co-workers house (even with other people around) seems to be pushing things.


Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think that your husband has no boundaries. He mifght not be doing anything wrong now but he is heading that way.

Please read Sheirley Glass "not just friends" .....and have your h read it too. 

I would start tagging along to these after work meetings and meet this woman. 

Read that book please and married men don't go to other woman's house and hang out.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I am going through this right now with my husband, although it's not a coworker. I would say asking about the texts is okay, but I wouldn't go snooping or try to find out on my own. I did this and it only caused more issues. 

I believe in "open phone policy" where if I want to pick up my husband's phone I feel he shouldn't have a problem with it and vice versa, no matter whether I'm using it or just want to look. I knew there was something going on when he refused to let me see his phone. No physical cheating happened but it was an emotional one. We're in counseling now working on things. 

I would say tread lightly. Men get pretty defensive when they believe you don't trust them and it could make the situation worse.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is getting dangerously close to crossing the line if it hasn't already. Going to her house (even with other friends) staying till very late and not telling you could have been a bad situation. I would caution him that you think this relationship he has with Sarah is going too far and he needs to stop seeing her outside of work.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I have never worked in an office, but having just lost my wife to one f her co workers i can tell you that this is dangerous ground for all concerned. My wife told me that she started talking to this guy during lunch time walks, then over coffee, then more chat on work nights out, she then decided after six months of this to go and live with him, from small molehills etc etc, beware this isn't going the same way, be tougher on him as he isn't being fair to you spending emotional time with sarah, believe me that the ties between co workers are very real, guised as workplace friendships, it is no different to meeting a person anywhere else.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I would add that maybe pointing out time he's spending with her he could be spending with you. You're losing that time to talk about your day together and just unwind. He's doing that with her and it could most definitely turn into much more quickly.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> I would add that maybe pointing out time he's spending with her he could be spending with you. You're losing that time to talk about your day together and just unwind. He's doing that with her and it could most definitely turn into much more quickly.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So true. One of the ground truth bits of wisdom we often see here on TAM is the absolute necessity of together time to maintain the bonds in the relationship. Either these bonds are being strengthened with you or with someone else (and simultaneously weakened with you).


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

kc94118 said:


> What do you think?


I think that it is not healthy for a marriage when a spouse regularly goes out drinking until late at night with co-workers.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> I am going through this right now with my husband, although it's not a coworker. I would say asking about the texts is okay, but I wouldn't go snooping or try to find out on my own. I did this and it only caused more issues.
> 
> I believe in "open phone policy" where if I want to pick up my husband's phone I feel he shouldn't have a problem with it and vice versa, no matter whether I'm using it or just want to look. I knew there was something going on when he refused to let me see his phone. No physical cheating happened but it was an emotional one. We're in counseling now working on things.


My wife often picks up my phone when her's is out of arm's length. I do not understand the notion of not wanting one's spouse to not look at our phones. I would not want to live like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need this book STAT

https://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If he's not having sex with her he soon will be.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> I think that it is not healthy for a marriage when a spouse regularly goes out drinking until late at night with co-workers.


That's an understatement
@kc94118, PLEASE read that book I linked above. It explains things far better than I can. What your husband is doing is NOT good, by ANY stretch. You need to get this into perspective ASAP, and so does he.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> That's an understatement
> 
> @kc94118, PLEASE read that book I linked above. It explains things far better than I can. What your husband is doing is NOT good, by ANY stretch. You need to get this into perspective ASAP, and so does he.


I'm trying to makeup for yesterday when I had a couple too many overstatements.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If he's not having sex with her he soon will be.


I think he is her emotional rebound validation... this will not end well and drift just as you said if it continues.

It is a dangerous game with no winners...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell him she's using him as her emotional tampon. Because she is. And he seems to enjoy it.

She's a grown arse woman and can deal with her own emotional issues. It's called Häagen-Dazs and a spoon.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh and BTW - THANK YOU for using the word platonic properly and not saying plUtonic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

kc94118 said:


> What do you think?


If by "platonic" you mean plant his penis in her vagina then sure. 

This relationship is purely platonic.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> Tell him she's using him as her emotional tampon. Because she is. And he seems to enjoy it.
> 
> She's a grown arse woman and can deal with her own emotional issues. It's called Häagen-Dazs and a spoon.




Yes indeed... or if she wants exciting, up close, and personal experience I'd have you recommend she takes tandem skydiving jump sans husband.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Please read one of my older posts titled "Am I over thinking..." 

In the meantime, tell him to cut the sh*t. Tell him you are uncomfortable with it and find it hurtful that he has grown so close to another woman. If he doesn't stop, then he doesn't care about your feelings and I suggest leaving for a day or two to make sure he knows your serious. Sounds like an emotional affair. I'm sorry, but I would have a huge problem with another woman blowing up my husband's phone. 

Someone once told me that jealousy is a natural reaction and there is a REASON why we are feeling that way. 

Please read my old post. Good luck.

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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

PieOhMy said:


> Please read one of my older posts titled "Am I over thinking..."
> 
> In the meantime, tell him to cut the sh*t. Tell him you are uncomfortable with it and find it hurtful that he has grown so close to another woman. If he doesn't stop, then he doesn't care about your feelings and I suggest leaving for a day or two to make sure he knows your serious. Sounds like an emotional affair. I'm sorry, but I would have a huge problem with another woman blowing up my husband's phone.
> 
> ...




Move this topic to the coping with infidelity section because your hubby is already screwing this woman. Sorry. 


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