# How to handle lies



## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years this week. We have had a strange relationship as we married young and made young mistakes. In 2011 I caught him cheating and confronted him. He told me that he never had sex with her but it was a cry for attention. We decided to work through it and move on. A few months later we were pregnant with our child. Then the normal early baby stage happened. 

Now we are to here. A few months ago around February he began acting very strange and staying at a friends house overnight when he would work late and have to work early in the morn. I was told this person was a guy although I had never met him. I discovered that the person was not a guy and that he had been staying at another woman's house two and three times a week and that they were calling and texting each other multiple times a day. I confronted him with the information and he told me that he was renting a room from her and that he was planning on leaving me. I was floored I didn't see it coming at all. I knew our marriage was shaky but had no idea he was thinking this route. He started staying there more often and telling me that he wasn't sure if he really wanted it to be over and that we should date. I didn't feel that this was acceptable and told him I had no interest in him if he was going to hurt me like this. He freaked out and came home that day and told me there was nothing going on between them and that he wanted to work on things.

I was willing to work on things with a few stipulations, no overnights with any one, no more texting calling this woman, and that we needed counseling. He agree to all terms and we went to counseling once. During counseling he swore nothing was going on between them and didn't say much of anything else including why he felt that we had reach DDay. After the meeting he refused to go back saying the doc was a "quack". Since then he has started hanging out with a male friend of which I have not met.

I have told him I want to meet this person and he says "oh no problem", but always has a reason of why we can't. This man he is hanging out with is the brother of a different female co worker and in the past he told me they live together. He had hung out with her a few times after work with other co workers (mostly female, he is in a mostly female profession). When he and this guy started hanging out he told me that he had moved out and was living in his own place. I want him to have friends especially male, so when he asked to go hang out after work with this guy I was all for it. He has asked to stay over night once or twice saying they were going to a bar and he wanted to be able to drink and not drive home. At first I was ok with it when it was only every once and a while. Recently he has started doing it twice a week, and telling me he is going to come home after then call or text me and say I've had to much to drink I'm going to stay here. I have become to be suspicious again and have found he is calling the female co worker often and texting her as well. I found out that he had lied to me about staying at the male friends house and has stayed at her house a couple of times because the brother "got to drunk to drive to his house and he was stuck". But he didn't tell me until I confronted him.

He has lied to me about a party that he was invited to with her and her brother and said he didn't know about it in time for me to go, but knew early enough to sneak his bathing suit to the party, claiming that he borrowed a suit. He has told me in the past borrowing a bathing suit is like borrowing underwear and is gross, but told me he didn't take his suit and borrowed one. I have confronted him with the lies and he says, i should have told you because nothing is going on and you would have been ok with it if I had told you, I don't know why I'm lying to you and I will work on it. But he is still calling this female co worker daily and asking to stay up there. I told him I am not comfortable with him staying any where because he is lying to me all the time and I can't trust him to do what he says he will do. While he accepted this as how I feel about it, he obviously didn't want to agree to not staying up there. I don't know what to do about the lies. 

He guards his phone like it is full of gold and when I ask to see it he gets very defensive and says I am intruding into his privacy. I have talked to him about transparency in our relationship and he makes it seem like he is being transparent. But then when I ask more questions about the situation or what they did he falters in his stories or changes the story days later. I don't want to end this relationship for multiple reasons, love, our son, and mostly love. But I can't go on like this, even when he is telling the truth I don't believe him. I feel like I have to be a detective to know anything about his life. He is constantly on his phone and when I sneak a peek at what he is doing he closes it or jumps to something else. I just need some advice on how to handle the lies and the possible other woman.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You handle it by seeing a lawyer and following the 180 (see link in my sig line). 

You're married to a manipulative liar.... who's accustomed to that way of life. Not husband material by any means. 

Don't threaten, don't cry, don't argue, ACT. 

Secure your finances - be sure your lawyer finds out what's happening to the money in the family and be sure you're child is cared for. 

Don't accept crumbs while he eats cake.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I treat liars like bullies-the only language they understand is a punch in the nose. 

Kick him out, file, forget him. No more talking.... Just be through.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

It's time to take a sledgehammer to his toes and stop playing nice.

Your husband is cheating and is trying to make you feel like a crazy person for not going with his lies and manipulation.

He has absolutely no respect for you, or your child, and continues to play you for a fool.

Show him who the fool really is. Have him served with divorce papers.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sorry you are here.
if you could break your post up into paragraphs it will be easier for people to read and respond to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is cheating and lying. As long as you put up with it, it will continue.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair", it will help you understand what you need to do to either get him back into your marriage or end the marriage.

Start by interacting with him according to the 180 (see the link below). Then read the book and follow the plan.


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

I know I should probably just walk away. And a part of me feels stupid for being that person that lets him walk over me like this. But at the same time when things are good with him, they are really good. But when they are bad they are really bad. There never seems to be an in-between it is really good or really bad.

Also thank you for the help with formatting of my post.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have a job? 
Do you have relatives that can/are willing to help you living near you?

Does he have parents or relatives who he respects?

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Seuferwoman said:


> I know I should probably just walk away. And a part of me feels stupid for being that person that lets him walk over me like this. But at the same time when things are good with him, they are really good. But when they are bad they are really bad. There never seems to be an in-between it is really good or really bad


So he's a charmer? Believe me, when he's not charming you he's charming someone else. He has you pegged. 

As long as you're not willing to cut him loose and mean it he won't change his ways. Why would he? He's got the best of everything - a wife and child at home - and all the side action he can handle - with only a little push back from you. 

STOP IT

Respect yourself


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

No I am a stay at home mom, that just went back to school full time to have a real career option in the near future. 

My family is near to us here but I don't feel comfortable with their help. It's a strange situation. 

And his family just believes every word he says even when they know he is lying. To them I am the bad guy here and that all our problems are because I am a bad person, mother, wife, and overall nothing is good about me in any way. I have actually had a big falling out with his family in December. Related to his lies and their view of me. He supported me in the falling out and stood up for me telling them in front of me they were wrong and needed to apologize to me. But they just basically rolled their eyes and said they hadn't said the things they said to me and it was another representation of exactly what they were talking about.

I feel like his behavior is learned from his family. And I want to help him to be better than that. I know I can't change him and am really not trying to I just want to help him seek the help he needs. I want to build a happy healthy marriage with him. I just don't know how.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You have the same first response whether you plan to leave or reconcile. At the moment he feels in control like he has all of the choices. That's because he thinks you're waiting with arms wide open for him to return which in turn de-values your worth to him.

You have to make him feel like he's going to lose you. Not because he decided it but instead because you know that you deserve better and you're leaving him. That's one of the primary reasons the 180 works is because you mark up your own price tag and take away the cheaters illusion that they're in control.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Seuferwoman said:


> ...I just want to help him seek the help he needs. I want to build a happy healthy marriage with him. I just don't know how.


You can also wish to win the clearinghouse sweepstakes. And actually you have a much greater chance appearing on TV as the winner of the sweepstakes than you have of building a healthy marriage unless he wants to join in that. 

The fact that he considers himself to have a personal life - (translation: living the life of a single man) in which you have no say or right to question you won't have a chance. 

Maybe if he sees that living life as a liar/cheater has consequences he will try to change but even that will be a long haul if he is dealing with FOO issues. 

Why don't you confide in your family - seek their counsel and help. Don't you think you and your child deserve a healthy home? 

What will you do in ten years when you have three kids and find out he's given you an STD? What then?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Seuferwoman said:


> I feel like his behavior is learned from his family. And I want to help him to be better than that. I know I can't change him and am really not trying to I just want to help him seek the help he needs. I want to build a happy healthy marriage with him. I just don't know how.


He really needs to have an "Oh Crap" moment where understands he can lose his family. He needs to have actual respect for who he's with and that can be you if you are willing to set your boundaries and then follow through with making him leave if it comes to that.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Seuferwoman said:


> *No I am a stay at home mom, that just went back to school full time to have a real career option in the near future. *
> 
> 
> *I know I can't change him *
> ...


#1) SAHM + FT school. Can you financially afford to separate?

#2) No you can't change him, he has to want to work on changing himself.

#3) You have to be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it sister.

You talked of his family siding with him full stop, would it be in your advantage to drop this like a hot brick and do some evidence gathering of his infidelities? Evidence and exposure tend to change the balance some what as all they have is his word against yours. Any and all evidence is better for you with regards grounds for divorce should you actually want to.

He has to want his family, if he doesn't then anything you do to save the marriage will go against his wants and push him further away potentially, you made classic mistakes in his earlier affairs and he knows you're going no where, while he thinks this then nothing changes.

Weigh up staying and going rationally, of course you want your family, but at this moment he wants fresh meat and lots of it.

There was an extremely valid and powerful comment made,


> What will you do in ten years when you have three kids and find out he's given you an STD? What then?


 Have you even thought that far ahead?

Sorry you are here dealing with this right now.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Not worth saving IMO. 

ZERO RESPECT.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seuferwoman said:


> He guards his phone like it is full of gold and when I ask to see it he gets very defensive and says I am intruding into his privacy.


Seufer, unfortunately, it's time to grow up. He's cheating, he's been cheating, and he intends to CONTINUE cheating...because you allow it.

See a lawyer tomorrow, get your legal stuff in order, go home, pack his bags, and have them waiting on the porch outside your home for when he gets home. 

He doesn't belong there any more.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The lying is part of the cheater's behavior. When my wife was cheating on me for years she lied about even dumb things. When my wife finally came clean and repented the lies stopped.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So times are good with him, when he gives you some time---but that seems to be a rare commodity these days

Your H, is cheating, you know it, and you are condoning/enabling it

Look at everything you wrote in your 1st post----HOW MANY OF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN OR ARE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN, in a proper, well working mge. how many are in the MARRIED SCRIPT-----NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get some self respect----if you really want to continue in this sham mge/ or you want out----you do the same thing----YOU FILE FOR D---Filing either will wake him up----OR---if he continues as he is---you know where you stand

Enuff is enuff----time for you to get off the bench, and get into the game.


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

So I confronted him two nights ago about more lies I had found out about. Asked to see his phone because I knew he had a messaging app. He instantly went off the handle. Said if I wanted to see his phone that there would be consequences and not for him, and it would be the only time I would get to see it. I stayed very calm and told him I didn't need to see it any more I had my answers from his reaction. 

Then he went into how he just didn't think our marriage was working and that he wanted to move to the spare bedroom. I told him I agree it's not working and I think you should move out. Then his attitude changed and he told me he was sorry for getting defensive and that he doesn't really want to move out and that we should think about it a few days and talk again later. I told him that's fine we will think on it a few days you can sleep in the spare room. He then proceeded to tell me his schedule for the week for work and that until we figured it out he would come home every night right after work. 

His schedule for last night was to get off at 7 and his words "I'll be home by 8:45 at the latest". So 8:45 rolls around no sign of him no call. By 9:45 I'm actually worried something's happened to him and start calling, his phone is turned off. So I call the other woman's phone number, no answer of course. Then call his number back directly and he answered "what". I asked him where he was, silence, ask him if he is coming home to talk like he said, silence. He tells me he never told me he was coming home tonight and that if he has to come home he will leave when he is ready to not when I tell him to come home.

I told him fine don't come home tonight, tomorrow when you come here you stuff will be packed and waiting on the porch for you and you can go where ever you want. But your not sleeping here one more night. Hung up on him and haven't seen herd from him since.

I probably should be feeling sad or something right now. But all I feel is a since of relief that I don't have to care what he is doing any more. I'm glad he hasn't called or showed up here yet, don't want to hear more lies. I am very nervous about what I am going to do for money as I am a stay at home mom that is going to school full time. I contacted my family and they said they will help however they can. But really not sure what to do next. I've packed all his crap and put it in the garage(it's raining and don't want to get blamed for ruining his stuff).

Any helpful advice on how to proceed next would be great. Have the first available appointment with a lawyer in town next week. Beyond that I'm not sure what to do next. I know I have to find a job quickly because I am certain he is going to withhold money. Thank you for everyone's helpful comments so far.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Seuferwoman said:


> I just need some advice on how to handle the lies and the possible other woman.


Possible other woman?

Dear, you are allowing your husband to walk all over you. You are his door mat. He was cheating on you before, he's cheating on you now, he will likely continue to cheat and will continue to lie. He has no fear that you will leave him. You are simply his plan B.

You need to start the divorce process immediately. You need to expose him and expose her. You need to do the 180 to detach from him. See if you can get him to agree to leave the house.

Once you have him served, and have done several weeks of the 180; you can re-assess where you're at before the D is final. If he completely turns around - and I wouldn't count on it; check back here for more advice. We can help you identify if his remorse is genuine.

Sorry you're here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm really proud of you for how you handled it. Expect him to be all over the place in what he 'wants'. Just ignore it and carry on as you have been. The first thing I'd do is go to the bank and ensure they won't let him take more than $100 out of any joint accounts without your permission. Then tell your landlord or anyone else with whom you have joint accounts the situation and ask them to let you know if he tries to change anything.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you!!! Now you need to stick to your guns. That's the hard part.

I also recommend you make a dr appt to be tested for STD's.

Yes you need a job asap. I am sure you'll find something. Turneras advice about the banks and other joint accounts is good. 

You can sometimes get free phone advice from lawyers too, maybe that is an option you can use today?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'm really proud of you for how you handled it. Expect him to be all over the place in what he 'wants'. Just ignore it and carry on as you have been. The first thing I'd do is go to the bank and ensure they won't let him take more than $100 out of any joint accounts without your permission. Then tell your landlord or anyone else with whom you have joint accounts the situation and ask them to let you know if he tries to change anything.





Hope1964 said:


> Good for you!!! Now you need to stick to your guns. That's the hard part.
> 
> I also recommend you make a dr appt to be tested for STD's.
> 
> ...



Great advice from two thoughtful posters. I'll add that you need to strengthen your resolve. He's going to try to bully you into submission - don't let that happen. 

When he starts to complain about how his child will miss him - blow it off (or remind him of how he's missed his child by his own choice thus far). 

Please be sure to keep an eye on the finances. Make that one of your priorities with your lawyer. 

Check your college to see if they have any type of counseling available to you. Check to see if there's any type of assistance you can apply for there. Check student services and don't just talk to the student-workers there ask to see a director. 

You'll be fine in the long haul. This is a marathon not a sprint. Take care of your health and try not to worry. Vent here when you need.


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

So around 5 today he showed up at the house. ALL his stuff was packed up and in the garage. When he got here he went straight the room to get something from the room. He came back out and asked where's my stuff (like I hadn't already told him where it would be). I didn't even get up from my chair and said it's all in the garage.

He couldn't believe I had done it and that I was serious. He tried to tell me he would start doing everything I've been asking him to do lately and that he can at least live in the spare room. I looked at him from my chair (pretending to do homework) and said that we already tried that and he didn't have enough respect to live in my house. As he was loading his stuff he came in and said "well if you get a room mate I have to meet them before they can move in". I turned again from my chair and told him I had pretty good judgment of who should live in my house. 

So he left with his stuff. I'm officially here ,and since I already had a sitter for tonight, I'm alone. Don't feel as strong in my decision in the loneliness. But I have to stay strong I deserve better. Also did I mention today is our 8year anniversary, hence the sitter. So what is it called when you split on your anniversary?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Seuferwoman said:


> .... So what is it called when you split on your anniversary?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Self-respect day. 

Stay strong you're doing well. Get that lawyer going.


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