# So confused and hurt...



## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

Some really helpful posts on here, glad to know I'm not alone.

At the end of October I was lonely, frustrated and sick of feeling like I had a husband that didn’t really love me or care about my needs. He shut me out, sulked, played sick, etc. I told him our marriage wasn’t working and I wanted out. He was very upset and kept saying I thought we were happy. HE was happy because I stopped communicating any wants or needs to him a couple years earlier when we gave up our house and downsized. (He never lifted a finger in that house and it literally fell apart. I worked 2 jobs and couldn’t do it all alone.) HIS life was great. Playing x-box 5 hours a night, drinking, watching sports, coming and going as he pleased, no kids and a wife that had no expectations of him. He was visibly upset every day wanting answers because he wasn’t satisfied with what I was telling him. I often wondered if it was just because he had no control over the situation. He knew the issues & was playing the victim. 

Over the next few months we avoided each other, had good talks, bad talks and I really started doing some soul searching. Was it really that bad? We still loved each other but didn’t communicate like we should have. We were both guilty of giving up and not giving each other a chance. He finally told me a few things that bothered him about me, not giving him a say in household or financial decisions, etc. I agreed with that but was hurt he kept these feelings secret. We both messed up. I started to want to work on our marriage but he was determined that if he didn’t move out and have some space that would never happen. I agreed and he moved in with his brother in January – he wanted that but still acted angry over it. I thought he’d finally see all his pent up anger and frustration didn’t have a lot to do with me. If he had to pay his own bills, budget, figure out if he was going to get his own place, go back to school and grow up we could work things out. I actually thought he’d miss me. 

We got into a fight about him lying to me and decided not to talk or see each other until Valentine’s day, just a couple of weeks out. We set our issues aside, went out to dinner that night and had a great time. We started seeing each other once or twice a week up until I called him out on lying to me. I thought we were getting back on track. He was staying over, we were sleeping together, having fun, talking more but when I found out he lied to me again it crushed me. He blew me off one night and went out to dinner with a female co-worker who was the one he ran to crying when I wanted out initially. I know they’re just friends so I didn’t give him the reaction he would want or expect from me. I’ve caught onto his passive aggressive ways and wouldn’t play that role of crazy wife so he could justify his behavior. He denied it, I told him I knew he was lying right to my face and simply asked him not to have dinner with other women. He said why do you care? I was floored! Of course I care! After that he started being distant and when I pressed to find out the deal he said “I realized you’re reading too much into us spending time together”. I was devastated; it was like he pulled me back in just to hurt me all over again. I felt used and told him that was a really shi**y thing to do to me & give me that hope. He said “If you look at it that way” but it’s not like he had another explanation. 

Then he told me he doesn’t feel married to me anymore, we’re not together (as in he’ll have dinner with whoever he wants and wants me to do the same), he doesn’t know if he wants to work things out until he figures himself out first. He doesn’t know what he wants but he’s not ready to call it quits either. I offered to give him a couple months with no contact so he could figure that out. He was taken back and said that’s not what he wants. When I questioned his behavior again with leading me on, saying he loves me and giving me all that false hope he said it’s because he wants to leave that door open. I felt like he was saying I want you to be my emotional safety net when I want to talk but I can’t give you anything in return. I deserve better. He’s trying to ride the fence with our marriage and I’m not going to be friend-zoned after almost 19 years in this relationship, married for 9. I told him I can’t do that. If he doesn’t want to work on our marriage, I cannot see or communicate with him anymore. He obviously didn’t believe me. As I was walking to my car he said when are we going to talk again? When you decide what you want was my response – I made sure to text him the same thing so he couldn’t deny hearing it later. 

I went home deleted his texts and his contact out of my phone so I don’t break down and call him crying or something stupid. Our 9th anniversary is tomorrow. I made plans with a girlfriend so I’m not sitting around alone feeling sorry for myself. Just day 2 of NC and I am heartbroken and pissed off. It’s the hardest and might be the most important thing I can do right now… If he’s not sure if he wants me then he needs to realize what that’s going to be like. I’m not going to be there for him anymore. I feel like I’ve allowed him to give me all these mixed messages and he’s keeping me on the hook while he spends 5 nights a week at the bar with his new 24 yr old BFF (he’s 36) acting like he’s “figuring stuff out. 

He’s typical PA and doesn’t like saying no or being the bad guy (in front of other people anyway) so part of me wonders if he’s trying to push me into filing for divorce or to act crazy by playing these games but I’ve stayed calm and held firm that if we get divorced it’s because that’s what he wants. I think he needs to blame me. I’m struggling between being patient to work on our relationship when he’s ready and sure of things or putting my foot down with all this crap and saying enough is enough. He may not ever be ready. I don’t know. He’s told me to do whatever I want and live my life so why does he tell me he loves me and why doesn’t he just tell me he’s never coming home? Some days I miss him so much and other days I never want to speak to him again. Some days I think he’s heartless and manipulating me other days I think he’s a scared little boy inside. 

It’s all very confusing. Sorry for the book. lol


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Sounds like if he doesnt know what he wants but for sure wants to keep you as plan B. Been there... and without OW in the horizon. Finally he decided he was better alone (living a single life). He is 43 though. Maybe middle life crisis, who knows, his childhood traumas not solved, personality... but no comitment for sure.

I am sorry you are here, hope you have a good day today and keep the 180 NC please.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He does sound like he avoids direct confrontation. So, I think your assesment that he is "acting out" to get you to file for divorce is accurate. He can get you to file against him, then he can play the victim for all his family and friends. 

I think it is almost sure that if he hasn't already had a physical affair, it would soon escalate to one if you keep on the current path. 

So, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you want to be married to this guy or not?

If you file, you will find out by his reaction if he wants to be married to you. If he breaks down and apologizes and wants to work on it then you know there is a chance. If he shrugs and say, 'okay', then you know you don't have a chance anyway.

If you want to remain married, then filing is a risky choice. But then again, would your choice to remain married change if you knew beyond a reasonable doubt he was never going to change or work on himself?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

KittyCat,

This is more for others reading the post because I feel you made the same fatal mistake I did.

If people are going to separate, they HAVE to set the ground rules. As Kitten's dilemna clearly shows, you cannot negotiate the terms of a separation after the fact. Or expect people to adhere to rules you think are understood but not disclosed.

Kitten, I did it too, and inadvertently contributed to the destruction of a savable marriage.

Good luck to others that can use the advise,
Stretch


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are too close to see it. He is playing power games with you. 

You take a couple steps back, and he will take a couple steps forward to no lose you.

You step in to get closer and he steps back to keep you available but also to keep his options open and to keep having his fun. He is not sincere about R, he is just milking for all he can get.

He is probably cheating with the other women and giving your a load of bull****. You should start talking to her--compare notes.

Unless you are making a lot of money his not working is taking advantage of you. Messed up.

Only you can change your life for better. Dump him and send him back to Junior High where he belongs.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

I have been struggling with depression off and on over the past 8 months or so… (hence my delayed response here). Finally got an increased dosage of my anti-depressant and it’s really helping me stay on track. 

He’s definitely having a midlife crises. Doesn’t know who he his, gambling, drinking too much, talking about getting his motorcycle license, blames every unsatisfactory part of his life on me. I know there is no OW. He works with mostly older women, motherly types. The younger one only dates black men. I read their text messages. He tried getting flirty with her and she blew him off. I kind of laughed about that. He’s wound so tight and is so bitter right now I can’t even see him dating. The first person who expects anything from him will send him running he’s on this no one can tell him what to do kick. He’s 36 and one of the old guys at the bars around here so he’s not picking up any 22 yr olds he’s too worried about drinking & watching sports. We have made an agreement to not date other people right now and I believe him. Other friends have confirmed he’s not pursuing that and is pretty much lost right now.

After a couple of incidents I started reflecting on some things. I changed my hair color, he never mentioned it which is very unusual for him. I’ve lost 50lbs since Christmas he’s never said a word about it. I told him I just went to the Dr and my BP is back to normal and I’m down 24lbs since my last visit in March. Silence… I’m reading all kinds of books. I’m getting into the best shape of my life. I’m planning out a career change and thinking about taking a couple classes this fall. I’m starting counseling soon, also I need to figure out how the hell I got here. I’m doing all this work on myself all he’s doing is partying in an unsustainable way. He’s spending over 1300 a month in bars and restaurants alone. He’s spending more money than he’s making every month and he doesn’t really even have any bills. Thank gawd I have my own career and didn’t rushed into having kids with him like everyone pressured me to do. 

I ran into him recently at a local restaurant at happy hour with all his co-workers. He refused to introduce me to any of them. I realized they don’t know I wanted to work things out. He’s only told them that I kicked him out and woe is me. Since they feel sorry for him they’re always taking him out. All he does is get drunk and avoid his emotions and taking any responsibility for his own life. These people think they’re helping him but they’re only helping him on the way down. He sent me 2 texts at 3am one night, I didn’t respond. Then he sent another in the morning asking if I needed something? He thought I sent those to him! He was blacked out and didn’t remember sending them. I feel sorry for him that he’s not using this time to better himself. I can’t help him. 

He recently got on my case about not giving him space and he’s right. I’ve been horrible about that because I worry about him. But he isn’t worried about me so I have to let go. He really thinks he has all the power in this situation. That HE gets to decide if WE have a future. He thinks I’ve been telling him what to do all these years and now he gets to decide everything. He really has re-written history and is living in his own fantasy world. If he can’t get his head out of his azz and sober up I’m not leaving him with any decisions. 

I’m back on NC 100% I’m just going to figure out what I want and continue with my fitness goals. My future won’t include being with a drunk, I know that much.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

You are right, you cant change what he is doing. I get your point that you worry about him, but let me tell you he will do worse if he notices you as his mom trying to take care of him. Focus on what you can control: YOURSELF. I read somewhere that midlife crisis last in women from one to three years and in men from three to ten years... 

I guess my STBXH is on it, but I dont plan to be there suferring more than what I had. Life is beautiful and after 1.5 years of separation I can tell you that being alone which is one if not our worse fear can be great. Somehow I now feel lazy to go back to the relation we had... Give, give, give... Got tired of it. I deserve better for the rest of my life.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He wants to see if he can get something going with his co-worker. 

If he can't, he will come back to you. If he can, he can blame you for the trial separation. 

Boundaries need to bee set ASAP. 

The co-worker is not just a friend. Post this on the coping with infidelity forum and let them tell you.


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## monad (Jul 8, 2014)

hi Kitten
i am pretty much in the same boat as you, he doesnt want any contact and wont do anything to sohw me that we have a future. i am trying really hard to reconcile but him no. he said its too hard and has no energy to do so. I still love him but hes said he doesnt know if he does. He wants to run off and get a new job so he doesnt have to face anyone. I thought how self centred can you be. i am trying here and all he does is blaming me for everything that went worng in our marriage.....its been 3 weeks and after 2 counselling he said hes DONE. I am so lost


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

Monad, I’m sorry to hear you are here with me… it hasn't been a good time. If I could be back at the 3 week point I would cut off all contact for at least a month or two and stick to it. I spent too much time with him too soon and it allowed him to take me for granted. I handed over my power right away. 

My H will not do one counseling session. He thinks it’s for fakes and he’s not going to pretend to be happy, if you need counseling you don’t need to be married… and he’s not sure if he WANTS it to work out so why try? 

He told me he feels as strongly about walking away as I do about working things out. He also said a bunch of nonsense about how none of his friends who know me like me, I stopped him from doing what he wanted and once again everything in his life that he doesn't like is all my fault. He’s been on his own for 6 months now. He will eventually learn the hard way that his unhappiness has nothing to do with me. 

I’m no longer going to resist. It’s the resistance of the situation that causes the most pain for me. It’s the stories I make up in my head that make me angry and cry the most. I’ve accepted that my husband doesn’t want to come home, would rather spend time with white trash, doesn’t know what he wants most of the time and the rest of the time it’s to not be committed to me. Of course, he doesn’t want a divorce! Because I was vocal about working things out for all this time I’ve made it seem like when he’s done playing around in bars, “figuring out who he is”, all the new female attention is gone (and trust me, it will be) that I’m still going to be there waiting for him (Plan B). I used to be a confident woman who didn’t take any crap from boys/men who didn’t appreciate me or respect me as a person and I had to dig deep and start pulling that person out of a hole I shoved her down into because of HIM, which at the end of the day is my own fault. I don’t know how I lost myself but I did. He reminded me of that unintentionally. 

Sat I sent him a couple of pictures from my family reunion. My grandpa is 98 and he hasn’t seen him in a long time. No response. Monday I sent him a text that I got a tax notice and I will need him to sign something next week. I also let him know I have an appt with a divorce atty a month from now and I would let him know what I needed from him after that but it should be pretty simple. He responded immediately to that one. “Ok. I guess” then apologized for not responding to the pics because he was golfing. I did not reply. 

Late last night (obviously after it sunk in) he sent me a message asking if we could “talk sometime this weekend?” I’m not sure what there is to talk about right now. He’s made himself pretty clear on things: It’s all up to him, he’ll have the final word and nothing is up to me (cause you know I’ve been a bossy, controlling tyrant since before we were married). I think he’s just testing me to see if I’m going to come running back willing to stay in this unhealthy situation. He doesn’t want me talking to a lawyer. He wants to keep me hanging on so he can have his cake and eat it too. He said he knows there is a risk of losing me forever but as soon as I made that seem sooner rather than later and on my terms not his it ripped that arrogant rug right out from under him. He has lied to me, himself, flat out re-written history and made crap up to justify what he’s doing right now. He’s not happy with himself so he’s trying to drag me down with him. 

At this point it doesn't make me feel good to talk to him. I did not and will not respond to that request. I will not answer my phone this weekend. I’m busy. I already had plans. In a couple weeks when I’m back to fully being myself I will talk to him with NO TEARS! but not before I’m ready just because he’s looking for reassurance. He chose to walk away so that’s not my job right now. He couldn't give me any and I don’t owe him anything if he’s choosing to not participate in our marriage. Especially if it’s only going to make me feel bad about myself all over again. I have to take care of myself.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

monad said:


> hi Kitten
> i am pretty much in the same boat as you, he doesnt want any contact and wont do anything to sohw me that we have a future. i am trying really hard to reconcile but him no. he said its too hard and has no energy to do so. I still love him but hes said he doesn't know if he does. He wants to run off and get a new job so he doesn't have to face anyone. I thought how self centred can you be. i am trying here and all he does is blaming me for everything that went worng in our marriage.....its been 3 weeks and after 2 counselling he said hes DONE. I am so lost


It's easier said than done and took me months to really get it but you have to find yourself, without him. I swear some men have a moving on radar. When he senses you aren't falling apart and are moving on with your life he will want to talk to you. 

When a marriage is in trouble it's never all one person's fault. Some people have a hard time facing facts.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

Apparently I struck a nerve. I'm getting texts calling me "a child" for not getting back to him and was accused of trying to "stick the knife in" by saying I was going to see a lawyer and assuming he doesn't want all this stuff he's left at my place (literally a bunch of toys). Yet he refuses to work on the marriage and constantly tells me that we are not together. At one time he said it might be YEARS before he wants to work on us. But if I see a lawyer to make sure my affairs are in order I'm just an a**hole. 

He wants everything on HIS terms. His bad attitude and anger right now remind me of my angry drunk dad. I hate saying that. I thought I married someone the opposite.

I've wanted to work through this for so long but now I'm getting to the point that I don't care. Maybe it's the exhaustion talking, I don't know anymore.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lawyer up now. Don't delay the "future" meeting (too vague) with the lawyer any longer. What's the point? You are only prolonging your own agony.

Once he receives divorce papers from a process server (have him served at work) he will snap to attention REAL QUICK. Right now he has the best of both worlds in his twisted mind. He gets the financial benefits of marriage without putting anything emotional into it, and he gets to go out with whoever he pleases, whenever he pleases.

Will it be enough to save your marriage? Maybe not, but it will get you out of this limbo-separation-H*ll you are living in right now.

He doesn't sound like a quality partner. You deserve better.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Let him know you are nobody's plan B. You are not a 'thing' he can put in the back of the closet and come back to when he loses interest in his new toy. You are human being and deserve someone who will treat you with respect.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

I know you guys are right. I'm thinking it all through. I just keep working on detaching more each day so I can stay sane. 

Every time I have a moment of "that's it, I'm done" I don't say it out loud but he knows it and backtracks. I see what he's doing and I'm getting better at taking a step back and not internalizing everything. It's hard to do. 

I'm sorry that he can treat another human being as an object or a fixture that will always be there. I'm sorry that he is not capable of putting in any effort into our marriage. This really isn't new because of the separation it's because he has emotional problems. I've been very vocal about not being plan b when the single life isn't working out for him anymore. He's going to wake up with a lot of regrets someday. 

I kept myself busy over the weekend. Got my place organized, went shopping for clothes that actually fit me (down 54 lbs to date!), picked up enough groceries to last the next few months. I feel like I slept less and accomplished a lot more than usual. I'm looking forward to doing some yoga, taking a bubble bath and doing my nails tonight. I need some quiet relaxation time. 

I am so fortunate. I get so lost in my own head that I lose sight of that sometimes. There's a lot of things I love about living alone. I'm healthier than I've been in years and I'm going to focus on the good things for awhile.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Kitten77 said:


> I know you guys are right. I'm thinking it all through. I just keep working on detaching more each day so I can stay sane.
> 
> Every time I have a moment of "that's it, I'm done" I don't say it out loud but he knows it and backtracks. I see what he's doing and I'm getting better at taking a step back and not internalizing everything. It's hard to do.
> 
> ...


What is there to say except, "AWESOME!"

Stretch


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You are doing great!


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

Had a temporary setback. Since he told me it's over, (and again) doesn't want it to work out so why try? Insert mean nasty tone here. But it has nothing to do with me! It's all about him. Forget that it affects both of our lives. 

I'm trying to accept that I will never get the whole truth about anything and I'll never understand how someone could run away after 19 years like it's nothing. I don't know why I put up with so much crap over the years. I really hate him right now and I'm mad at myself. I was not capable of walking away unless I tried everything I could but I guess he doesn't feel the same. 

He is apparently content living in one bedroom at his brother's place with no kitchen and a cooler full of beer as long as he can live the frat life and have no accountability to anyone. I obviously need to work on my standards. 

I had several good angry/cry fests during some uphill walks yesterday. Living at the bottom of a massive hill has been so therapeutic lately.


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