# My wife isn't sexually attracted to me anymore... is there any hope for us?



## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

Hi,

I've been married over 10 years, am in my late 30s, as is my wife. 
This year has been rocky... we've been fighting a lot (verbal, never physical), and invariably my wife would tell me during the fights that she felt trapped, or wanted us to have more time apart, doing separate things. Now, we've basically spent most of our marriage together. I mean, 24/7 almost.. working together, playing music together, but it always just kind of worked. It really did. Her mom lives in another country, so she goes to visit her 2 or 3 times a year, I'm left home alone. I like time by myself, for the most part. But this year I feel she just began to feel 'trapped' and has basically said that she sees us now as just friends really. We haven't had sex in months... I don't know why exactly. I've felt probably awkward around her (I've put a bit of weight on - not a lot, but I've lost my confidence. She says that hasn't bothered her at all and I believe that, but it bothers me). But during sex she was never really ever that aroused by me... it would hurt often. So ... yeah, that made it awkward I suppose. She never instigated sex, so that felt like even more pressure on me. 
She refused counseling whenever I've mentioned it in the past. Basically because whenever she's had counseling before for her own stuff, she always felt it wasn't helpful at all. And trust me, I've been to counselors where we live and I can believe that. 

So this year has been explosive, and she's been away for a couple of months - she had something of a nervous breakdown. We're in touch via email, and I was hoping the time apart would be a good thing, but now I really think it's done the opposite and pushed her away. Today she told me outright she didn't find me sexually attractive in that way. That devastated me, but I did suspect she thought that. 

I can't imagine not being with her. She's absolutely my best friend. I'm in pieces today - I've cried on and off all day, all night. I've self-harmed in the past and even tried to commit suicide - I'm really not good with coping with loss. 
She knows this and I think that's only making it worse cos she'll be feeling more guilty over it all, but if she's not attracted to me that way, that's it, right? If the spark has gone, how on earth can it return? I've tried being romantic when she's around, but I think she just finds that awkward cos it's me. 

Is there any hope?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Time to investigate. I smell a third party.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I just want to say sorry that you are here. 

I don't know if there is still hope for your marriage.

I do hope that you have a trusted "real life" friend you can speak to.

I would encourage you talk to a professional if you are feeling like self harming or have thoughts of suicide. 

Good luck to you and be safe.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Time to investigate. I smell a third party.


No, I don't think so - her problem is she's too honest with that stuff. She's cheated in the past, about 7 years ago (not sex), and told me right away.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. That must have been so painful to hear her say those things. You said you aren't good with loss and I can relate to that. I wish I could get angry and standoffish but I usually default to self blame and depression.

Is there hope - there's always hope. However, it rests in her hands right now if she comes back. You can be certain, though, that any groveling, begging and making yourself look weak is not going to help your cause. Please take care of yourself and try as much as you can to be the person she fell in love with.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> I just want to say sorry that you are here.
> 
> I don't know if there is still hope for your marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I don't really have a friend like that I can talk to ... that's pretty sad! :/ My wife's really my best friend, that's the hardest part about this, and she's really in a mess in her head any way.
I've been to my doctor, and he basically stuck me on depression meds.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm sorry you are feeling so down. That must have been so painful to hear her say those things. You said you aren't good with loss and I can relate to that. I wish I could get angry and standoffish but I usually default to self blame and depression.
> 
> Is there hope - there's always hope. However, it rests in her hands right now if she comes back. You can be certain, though, that any groveling, begging and making yourself look weak is not going to help your cause. Please take care of yourself and try as much as you can to be the person she fell in love with.


I appreciate that, thanks. Yes ... I'm the first person too when it comes to begging and whatever. Do I give her an ultimatum or say we shouldn't be in touch for a while maybe?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> No, I don't think so


Of course you don't. Well it sounds like you've got it under control.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Collective experience here is that there's probably someone else. Don't dismiss it unless you want to find out way too late to be able to do much about it. The most honest people become the biggest liars on the planet as soon as they're interested in someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Of course you don't. Well it sounds like you've got it under control.


...? I don't know if that's sarcasm or not - my head's not in the best place to tell, sorry.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Does she feel the same way - that you are her best friend? Depression meds are probably a good idea during this time of uncertainty.

It might be time to make some new friends and find some new hobbies and ways you can spend your time that don't involve your wife.

Adding because I just saw your follow up question - no / don't they no younshoild give her an ultimatum. I think you should not contact her. I think you should wait for her to contact you and not be available slbecause you are out making friends and finding new hobbies.that do not involve her.

I became severely depressed after my engagement was broken (his was before my husband.) The thing I now regret most ably that time of life is not the loss of my finance but the way I. ruined myself for him and showed hm my weakest side . That kind of behavior has saved no relationship ever.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Time to investigate. I smell a third party.


You have to find out what you are up against.

Rule out another man first. Just my 2 cents.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Collective experience here is that there's probably someone else. Don't dismiss it unless you want to find out way too late to be able to do much about it. The most honest people become the biggest liars on the planet as soon as they're interested in someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thing is, we're literally always together. She doesn't drive, isn't working, etc.... so I'm actually sure it's not that. I'm not saying it's not what she WANTS to happen. It's probably/definitely that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought was that you need to work on yourself, first and foremost. Your wife isn't likely to regain (assuming she ever had) that sexual spark for you if she can't respect you. If she's just staying with you because she's worried about you, the most you're likely to get from her is pity.

C


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Does she feel the same way - that you are her best friend? Depression meds are probably a good idea during this time of uncertainty.
> 
> It might be time to make some new friends and find some new hobbies and ways you can spend your time that don't involve your wife.


Oh, 100%. And I think that's been the downfall here - we're like brither and sister or something at this point rather than lovers.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you're always together? Even during the months she's in a different country?


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> My first thought was that you need to work on yourself, first and foremost. Your wife isn't likely to regain (assuming she ever had) that sexual spark for you if she can't respect you. If she's just staying with you because she's worried about you, the most you're likely to get from her is pity.
> 
> C


She does get mad at me if I'm self-pitying, yes. That's like something she can't abide. Of course, that's the irony for me in this situation, I'm at my absolute lowest here!


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you're always together? Even during the months she's in a different country?


No, obviously. She's not months apart usually... she had a nervous breakdown so is staying with her mom at the moment. Where we live is pretty isolated, and she needed to be out of this scenario. I'd know from her if there was any hint of that. She's brutally honest and upfront about everything ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Now that Ive read the rest of your replies - wondering if she doesn't feel trapped and suffocated at this time. You paint a picture of a woman who is homebound, has no friends, has no means of supporting herself (or even going grocery shopping without you driving her), and has little to build her self esteem on except for the fact that you love her.

Space. You must give her some space right now. Being a wet blanket is going to push her farther away, in my opinion. Give her some room and time to think things over.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Now that Ive read the rest of your replies - wondering if she doesn't feel trapped and suffocated at this time. You paint a picture of a woman who is homebound, has no friends, has no means of supporting herself (or even going grocery shopping without you driving her), and has little to build her self esteem on except for the fact that you love her.
> 
> Space. You must give her some space right now. Being a wet blanket is going to push her farther away, in my opinion. Give her some room and time to think things over.


Should I just suggest we not even contact each other for a while?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well - I would suggest you find the self control to not contact her. Wait for her to contact you. Try to not be available some of those times because you will be making friends and finding new hobbies. 

I don't think its the best idea to totally break contact. In my opinion. Unless you feel it would be most helpful for you. I think you shouldnwork on you and make her wonder a bit why you aren't contacting her.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Well - I would suggest you find the self control to not contact her. Wait for her to contact you. Try to not be available some of those times because you will be making friends and finding new hobbies.
> 
> I don't think its the best idea to totally break contact. In my opinion. Unless you feel it would be most helpful for you. I think you shouldnwork on you and make her wonder a bit why you aren't contacting her.


Is that not just kinda playing games in a way, no? Or you think that's what she needs to be seeing from me right now..?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

o0o0o0o said:


> Is that not just kinda playing games in a way, no? Or you think that's what she needs to be seeing from me right now..?


It's not game playing if you're actually working on yourself and making new friends and doing new things. That's kind of the point... You need to get yourself in a healthy place. You're not going to do that by hanging out at home dwelling on things and pining for her.

C


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> It's not game playing if you're actually working on yourself and making new friends and doing new things. That's kind of the point... You need to get yourself in a healthy place. You're not going to do that by hanging out at home dwelling on things and pining for her.
> 
> C


Thanks, I know you're right .... I guess I'll tell her today I just want to give us both some actual breathing room here so we can get better individually.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Meds can help one cope, sure. But, IMHO, meds are not going to sort out what you need to in your mind, and transform yourself so your life will be easier and more enjoyable with or without her.

Meds helped me for 10+ years, and I still take them, but am finally making healthy changes thanks to spending time with a very competent therapist (LFMT -- I am in US).

Seeing a therapist seems essential given your history.

My wife had an EA. Seemed impossible, at the time. Her dissatisfaction in her life at the time sounds similar to your wife's. I have no idea if that is a significant probability in your situation, but it is always a possibility. I think the wisdom here on this site would suggest IF another person is involved, it is urgent to uncover that involvement and stop it, so that the damage can be halted.


If you don't mind, what was the nature of her breakdown. That is an ambiguous term, in my locale. Was she hospitalized? Harm or threaten to harm herself? Was there a diagnosis and by whom? And a prescribed treatment for her?


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Meds can help one cope, sure. But, IMHO, meds are not going to sort out what you need to in your mind, and transform yourself so your life will be easier and more enjoyable with or without her.
> 
> Meds helped me for 10+ years, and I still take them, but am finally making healthy changes thanks to spending time with a very competent therapist (LFMT -- I am in US).
> 
> ...


Well, yes - 'breakdown' is pretty ambiguous, sorry! She in an instant got stuck in a depersonalization/derealization state

What is DPDR Disorder? - DPDRDisorder.org

...which of course does impact all of this. We both used to smoke weed, seemingly that can trigger this. She stopped immediately the day this happened (around 4 months ago). 
She's been to her doctor about this, but they seem baffled really. Like, basically could only tell her to do all that she's doing anyways. She was put on meds, but for anxiety/depression.

I think this is what confuses me though. She's still in this state, to a slightly lesser degree (only slightly), so I of course can't assume any kind of anything in terms of a regular relationship. But the talk of me not being enough for her/not being attracted to me in that way stemmed from before this happened.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> It's not game playing if you're actually working on yourself and making new friends and doing new things. That's kind of the point... You need to get yourself in a healthy place. You're not going to do that by hanging out at home dwelling on things and pining for her.
> 
> C


:iagree:
At this time you can only work on you. Physically and mentally you have to find your own happiness and quit relying on her for that input... and, yeah, I know that's a hell of a mountain to climb (got the t-shirt), but you can do it if YOU want it.

Want it.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

41362 said:


> :iagree:
> At this time you can only work on you. Physically and mentally you have to find your own happiness and quit relying on her for that input... and, yeah, I know that's a hell of a mountain to climb (got the t-shirt), but you can do it if YOU want it.
> 
> Want it.


Should I take the 1st step here with some kind of statement of intent? I mean, should I maybe send her a text today outlining what I want to do for ME now....? Then she'd be at least aware I'm making a commitment to change, to being stronger?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> Should I take the 1st step here with some kind of statement of intent? I mean, should I maybe send her a text today outlining what I want to do for ME now....? Then she'd be at least aware I'm making a commitment to change, to being stronger?


What do you want to tell her? 

Better yet, what do you want to tell yourself?

Honestly, I'm 50/50 on announcing your intent... I did it, and it worked well for me, but, if your wife has heard this song and dance before- it may only push her further away. It may be best if she notices your change by your actions.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

41362 said:


> What do you want to tell her?
> 
> Better yet, what do you want to tell yourself?
> 
> Honestly, I'm 50/50 on announcing your intent... I did it, and it worked well for me, but, if your wife has heard this song and dance before- it may only push her further away. It may be best if she notices your change by your actions.



Well, she will be in contact today at some point... an email or text or whatever, so I want to now start using only the language that will let her see that I'm stronger in this marriage. Sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it.
I want her to see that I'm going to be working on myself. That I think regardless as to whether we stay together or not, she could be missing out on something good if she walked away.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> Well, she will be in contact today at some point... an email or text or whatever, so I want to now start using only the language that will let her see that I'm stronger in this marriage. Sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it.
> I want her to see that I'm going to be working on myself. That I think regardless as to whether we stay together or not, she could be missing out on something good if she walked away.


What are you going to tell her?

What's your plan, o0o0o0o? I get the whole "fake it til you make it," but what are you faking?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you stopped smoking weed?


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Have you stopped smoking weed?


Yes!


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

41362 said:


> What are you going to tell her?
> 
> What's your plan, o0o0o0o? I get the whole "fake it til you make it," but what are you faking?


I just want her to see that I'm not sat here crying in pity. Whether I am or not, I don't want her thinking that's who I am. She needs to see a stronger side to me as she really doesn't at all like that manbaby thing.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> I just want her to see that I'm not sat here crying in pity. Whether I am or not, I don't want her thinking that's who I am. She needs to see a stronger side to me as she really doesn't at all like that manbaby thing.


Then, yeah, you need to quit the "manbaby" thing... and you can't fake that, you gotta quit. Most women... heck, most people find that pretty insufferable... and that really needs to be demonstrated. You can't just say that I'm not going to be a "manbaby" any longer.

How old are you?
How long have you been married?
What hobbies do you have?
Do you excercise at all?


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

41362 said:


> Then, yeah, you need to quit the "manbaby" thing... and you can't fake that, you gotta quit. Most women... heck, most people find that pretty insufferable... and that really needs to be demonstrated. You can't just say that I'm not going to be a "manbaby" any longer.
> 
> How old are you?
> How long have you been married?
> ...


I'm 38 ... married 10 years. I walk/jog, but tbh not lately while I've been on my own, I've just not been able to motivate myself, though I don't eat junk food. 

It's just a sh*tty situation right now in that I live kinda far from a town, out in the sticks. Financially that's just how it has to be for the next 6 months at least. So my friend list is very slim.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

"I've taken what you've told me under consideration and I will be taking some time to think things over and perhaps making some reprioritizations in life. I want you to care for yourself during this time. I'm glad you have someone to care for you. There are obviously some things I need to think over and I will be doing just that."


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> I'm 38 ... married 10 years. I walk/jog, but tbh not lately while I've been on my own, I've just not been able to motivate myself, though I don't eat junk food.
> 
> It's just a sh*tty situation right now in that I live kinda far from a town, out in the sticks. Financially that's just how it has to be for the next 6 months at least. So my friend list is very slim.


Where you are geographically doesn't make a bit of difference in regards to changing your mindset..., and if you want to change yourself- you have to find the motivation... and it MUST come from within.

When you get a chance go for a walk (a loooonnnngggg walk) and really concentrate on what it is that you want to do. 

Things to ponder on that walk:
What are your top three qualities?
What are your three biggest flaws (manbaby is #1)
What kind of man do you want to be?
What kind of husband do you want to be?
How do you want others to see you?
How do you want to see yourself?

How do you plan to get there?
Can you get there?
If you fall down, can you get up?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

o0o0o0o said:


> I'm in pieces today - I've cried on and off all day, all night. I've self-harmed in the past and even tried to commit suicide - I'm really not good with coping with loss.





> I'm 38 ... married 10 years. I walk/jog, but tbh not lately while I've been on my own, I've just *not been able to motivate myself*, though I don't eat junk food.


I took these from two different posts, but they paint a picture of you sliding into some bad (and potentially dangerous) behaviors.

You need to work on you before you can save your marriage. Get to a counselor and start that process immediately.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

41362 said:


> Where you are geographically doesn't make a bit of difference in regards to changing your mindset..., and if you want to change yourself- you have to find the motivation... and it MUST come from within.
> 
> When you get a chance go for a walk (a loooonnnngggg walk) and really concentrate on what it is that you want to do.
> 
> ...


I had a long walk today. I have a clearer picture in my mind as to what _*I *_want to be.... I can't help though feeling guilty which in turn makes me feel weak which makes me feel deep sadness that I've f***ed things up this far. I guess I have to brainwash myself to get away from these thoughts if they enter my mind. 
What does throw me off is that we had some big plans for next year, and a huge chunk of my life involves her. It's sort of like telling, I dunno, a fisherman "ok, you can't be a fisherman now. Go off & do something else entirely new. Go." .... which probably sounds ridiculous, but our lives have been so intertwined. We play/record/make music together; have done so for about 5 years. That's now on hold, which is another loss I'm really suffering with. I haven't enjoyed music with other people, so it's sort of an all or nothing situation there, and music really is my passion....


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

o0o0o0o said:


> Oh, 100%. And I think that's been the downfall here - *we're like brither and sister* or something at this point rather than lovers.


So very unsexy!

I've read this is a fairly common cause of sexless marriages.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

waiwera said:


> So very unsexy!
> 
> I've read this is a fairly common cause of sexless marriages.


Yeah... not what I'd envisioned! That's been the difficult part for me here, how to get out of 'that' mindset, for the both of us.....


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This is a favourite website/webpage of mine...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-lazy-way-stay-in-love

I realise with your wife being away and wanting space it may not be all that useful right now but maybe it is 'food for thought'.

Some are sexual but many aren't and sometimes the smallest gestures, done often enough, make a huge impact.

My hubby uses eye contact in a way with me that makes me feel like THE most important and interesting person in the whole world and THAT makes me feel loved and cherished and in turn sexy and turned on to him.

This may not work for you and your W...but something will.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> "I've taken what you've told me under consideration and I will be taking some time to think things over and perhaps making some reprioritizations in life. I want you to care for yourself during this time. I'm glad you have someone to care for you. There are obviously some things I need to think over and I will be doing just that."


We texted today. She asked what I'd been up to - I acted confident, assured. it went down well I think. Yay! That's the plan then.....


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I had never heard of DPDR before. It must be horribly scary. 

Had she ever had symptoms like that before? 

In your wife's mind or the minds of her family, is it likely you are being blamed (justly or unjustly) for her use of weed?

You mentioned her doc. Is this her regular family doc or a Psychiatrist or Neurologist? The site you linked to left me feeling the need to dump the baffled ones regardless of their titles and find someone with much DPDR experience.


Just thoughts, fwiw.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> I had never heard of DPDR before. It must be horribly scary.
> 
> Had she ever had symptoms like that before?
> 
> ...



It's unbelievably scary for her. She literally feels like she's walking around in a dream state... she'll often ask me to confirm that I'm real to her, not in her imagination. :/ I know, it's that bad. She never had anything like that before, no. 
She doesn't blame me for the smoking, no... 
She's been to the family doctor and even a psychiatrist, but it really seems the thing with DP is just that, people aren't aware of it, and there's no specific treatment really other than to exercise, be 'present' as much as possible, etc....


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

It seemed to me folks on TAM would suggest someone in your situation work on doing The 180, per a book my Michelle Weiner-Davis. (DivorceBusting, I think). Always sounded like a good idea to me (where did all those people go?)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

o0o0o0o said:


> Should I just suggest we not even contact each other for a while?


I think you should just cut her loose and move on with your life. But I think you are afraid to do so. You come off as very insecure, and I'm not a bastionof self-confidence myself, so that's saying something.

regardless of whether there is another guy (and I don't think it matters), there is the underlying issue of her not feeling sexually attracted to you. she gains nothing by lying to you about this, and your account of your sexual history bears this out too. So, understand that she is telling you the truth.

So you have a person who (1) does not want you sexually, (2) does not have enough regard for you or the marraige to meet your needs regardless, and (3) runs away from the hard problems - to another country, for extended periods of time. I'm not surprised you liked the time alone. I'm wondering why you would want her back to begin with (knowing your needs will continue to be unmet).

Seriously, if I were you, I would see a lawyer, try to have the date she left to be your date of separation (since she's been gone so long andhas not expressed a desire for you or to return home), and move forward with becoming a single person. She will have to come back to respond to the lawsuit for divorce and if she does she can use that time to try to reconcile and become the wife she needs to be. Or she might let a default judgment be entered, which tells you all you need to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
if she is your best friend, you need better friends. And you need a better spouse. Those should be the goals to shoot for......the reason for your self improvement efforts.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

DTO said:


> I think you should just cut her loose and move on with your life. But I think you are afraid to do so. You come off as very insecure, and I'm not a bastionof self-confidence myself, so that's saying something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well in that scenario (for example) I'd feel like I've abandoned my wife, my marriage. I don't know how I could live with that..? Sorta like I'm bailing out cos the sh*t's hit the fan, if you will. 

I guess my view on all of this (right now) is that she's in a bad state, and I should be there for her.


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> if she is your best friend, you need better friends. And you need a better spouse. Those should be the goals to shoot for......the reason for your self improvement efforts.


.... mentally she can't deal with being isolated the way we're living, being cut off. I can't afford to move anywhere in the short term at least. So it's kind of a lose-lose scenario right now.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

By mentally, you mean the DPDR right? Is the DPDR the reason she has gone to stay with her mom, or is it that she wants a sort-of separation from the marriage?


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## o0o0o0o (Apr 20, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> By mentally, you mean the DPDR right? Is the DPDR the reason she has gone to stay with her mom, or is it that she wants a sort-of separation from the marriage?


Yep, the DPDR. And that's the reason she's gone to stay with family. She finds that where she's staying (which is a big town, active, people around, etc) it's easier for her to cope, keeps her more grounded. Where I'm living right now is kind of out in the country, but I've just gone self-employed and can't do anything to change that for at least 6 months.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

o0o0o0o said:


> I had a long walk today. I have a clearer picture in my mind as to what _*I *_want to be.... I can't help though feeling guilty which in turn makes me feel weak which makes me feel deep sadness that I've f***ed things up this far. I guess I have to brainwash myself to get away from these thoughts if they enter my mind.
> What does throw me off is that we had some big plans for next year, and a huge chunk of my life involves her. It's sort of like telling, I dunno, a fisherman "ok, you can't be a fisherman now. Go off & do something else entirely new. Go." .... which probably sounds ridiculous, but our lives have been so intertwined. We play/record/make music together; have done so for about 5 years. That's now on hold, which is another loss I'm really suffering with. I haven't enjoyed music with other people, so it's sort of an all or nothing situation there, and music really is my passion....


Okay, you had your walk and time to contemplate... so, what's that clearer picture? Did you come up with any answers to the questions I asked?

Things to ponder on that walk:
What are your top three qualities?
What are your three biggest flaws (manbaby is #1)
What kind of man do you want to be?
What kind of husband do you want to be?
How do you want others to see you?
How do you want to see yourself?

How do you plan to get there?
Can you get there?
If you fall down, can you get up? 

Both groups of questions are equally important.

I agree with some of the others in that your chances of success are slim... your wife has made that pretty clear, but (there's always a "but") you obviously need to make some changes regardless and if you can demonstrate those changes to her... well, who knows? Either way, it doesn't change the importance of changing for the better.


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