# Am I overreacting?



## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

I have been with my fiancé for a little over 2 years. We are suppose to be married on 8/19. He has an 8 yr old daughter from his first marriage. She lives with her mom and stays with us every other weekend. For just about all of our relationship he has had to lay down with her when she goes to bed. At first it was maybe 15 mins or so but at this point it's gotten to be hours to all night. When it's time to go to bed the two of them go off to her room and I never know when/if he will come to our bed. If she stays longer during spring break or summer he is still in there every night. I get she's here only every other weekend but she's 8 and still needs someone to lay with her? And he thinks it's ok to leave me alone every night? It's making me lose interest in him and resent her being here. I brought it up once and he said if she wants him in there he will be 100% of the time and basically threatened breaking up with me but said he'd start setting an alarm for an hour. That never happened. When she's here he lets her stay up just as late as we are do so there is no putting her to bed early. Am I overreacting for this bothering me? I think it's weird and mildly creepy but also, how is it ok to make me feel so insignificant and alone? I use to take sleeping pills so I could sleep but they stopped working so now I just lay in bed awake the whole night. He's been in her room almost 3.5 hrs now and it's already 2:00 am. He noticed last night I was awake all night when he came to bed at 6:30 am. He just asked why I was being a butt and said I only stay awake when he isn't sleeping in here. I'm really struggling with if we should get married. He doesn't want to see what he's doing but will still expect me to help and drive her an hour back home in the morning. Am I wrong in how I feel? Am I overreacting?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Years ago, my second husband did the same thing. H had a 9 year old daughter who came every other weekend and he started getting in the habit of laying down with her at bedtime and watching TV together and falling asleep with her.

I have to admit I thought it was mildly creepy, too. I just thought she was a little too old for that. I didn't have a problem with the fact that he wasn't spending that time with me, though. I love alone time so I probably just read or watched a show or two that I like.

It wouldn't bother me at all if he'd stayed in her room all night. It was more the slight creep factor that disturbed me.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hello! Try to think of her as your daughter now - technically step daughter. When she stays over you are becoming her step mom, considering you will be his wife in a few days , how about making more of an effort to bond with her and join in on tucking her in to bed. If you increase your bond with her , ask if you can sleep beside her sometimes instead of daddy. You are marrying the whole package. She is also going to our grow this stage eventually. You are all going to be a family unit soon. 


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

I hope she grows out of it soon it's been 2 years and he still lays down with her. If it was just tucking her in I would be apart of that. But the 2 of them and the dog walk down the hall to her room, close the door and go to bed. It makes me resentful and I know how to change it. If it were once in awhile I think I'd deal better but he's been in there all night for the 3 nights she's been here this weekend. He doesn't even acknowledge that he's leaving me alone each night.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

They have a codependent relationship that makes me feel like a 3rd wheel.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Well you just said the answer. How about letting your finance know . You would like to join the night ritual , as you would like to improve your bond with your step daughter. 


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Maybe it's wrong of me but I don't want to lay in her room until she falls asleep. I think she's too old for that. 


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

This is a child of divorce and she has had to adapt to a lot of changes. I also don't think it's unusual for her need to feel safe and secure at bed time. This is a part of being a step mother, you may need to accept it. I think some others views will help you more. I tried. 


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Parents/kids should never sleep together on a regular basis, it's poor parenting in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with going in there and reading a book, and I get dad wants to be as close to her as he can, but long term he's sitting her up for issues. Co dependence/insecurities/daddy issues/lack of independence, not to mention the loss of intimacy between you and him....etc. Read up on the subject, there's lot's of information. Of coarse you will find information that supports sleeping together as well, it's called the family bed. 

Is the kid bonded with you? If the plan is for you to be her step mom maybe you should take over putting her to bed, dad can come kiss her good night but let you read a book and talk a bit.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's not healthy that this dad is sleeping all night with his 8 year old daughter every night she is there. This isn't just going in there to tuck her in. This is sleeping all night with her.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

ecollin1 said:


> I hope she grows out of it soon it's been 2 years and he still lays down with her. If it was just tucking her in I would be apart of that. But the 2 of them and the dog walk down the hall to her room, close the door and go to bed. It makes me resentful and I know how to change it. If it were once in awhile I think I'd deal better but he's been in there all night for the 3 nights she's been here this weekend. He doesn't even acknowledge that he's leaving me alone each night.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




It's not his daughter that needs to grow out of it. Some people might try to tell you that you should embrace this behavior in order to incorporate her into your family. I disagree. Dad needs to learn to sleep with you. Not only is he reinforcing behavior in his kid that is not healthy, he's also depriving you of a certain level of intimacy; something that you will probably grow to resent further as time goes on. This may be a habit he developed during or before the end of his last marriage. Time to break that habit. 
Just understand that you aren't going to make him do it. He is going to have to choose to. Telling him how you feel (not necessarily what he is doing wrong) may help. 


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I get all the other points in that it's not great for the marriage or the child, and I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I also agree that this little girl is a child of divorce, and has had a lot of changes to adjust to in her little life.

What I don't get at ALL, is how is this in any way, shape or form, creepy or inappropriate?? He's her daddy!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I personally would not marry this guy. Sleeping with his 8 year old is ridiculous in my opinion.

The idea that his daughter is his priority is ridiculous, and it's this attitude that causes a lot of blended family issues. 

I'm part of one.....remarried and I have two sons. The priority needs to be your marriage which will then create a home which will embrace his daughter. What he's doing is fostering am atmosphere where it's the two of them and you are an outsider.

As an outsider you will be expected to take up slack and parent but will not really me part of the inner circle that is the two of them. 

She is a priority in that her needs have to be met, but the creation of the family unit is paramount
Right now you're just the woman he fvcks when she's not around. What does that mean to her? The answer is nothing. 

And he's already told you that he's not going to deal with it, you can stick around on his terms.

I find is laughable that so many think this is no problem....if this was a biological family and the wife was sleeping with the 8 year old child a few nights a week people would be screaming about how it's terrible for marital intimacy, and they'd be correct. 

I'd postpone this wedding and speak to a family counselor. If he refuses reconsider this relationship. You are going to get more and more resentful.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, why not ask for her to be in the bed with the both of you?

He might say: "She's too old for that!"

Then reply: "I know. She's too old for you to be in bed with her, too. She needs to grow."

However, if she is so messed up that she needs an adult parent in bed with her, it's possible she might need counselling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I get all the other points in that it's not great for the marriage or the child, and I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I also agree that this little girl is a child of divorce, and has had a lot of changes to adjust to in her little life.
> 
> What I don't get at ALL, is how is this in any way, shape or form, creepy or inappropriate?? He's her daddy!


It's almost as if some people are harbouring an idea that all men are potential rapists, even of their own little girls.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hmmmm...interesting post.

My youngest daughter has taken the divorce of her father and I very hard. I know when she stays with him, they often fall asleep in bed watching tv. She is sad and very needy because of what she has been put through losing what had seemed to her to be a perfect family. Divorce is indeed very difficult on children, as is remarriage. 

I have only been remarried and with my second husband 2 years. Sometimes, especially early on, she needed a ton of TLC, snuggling and mommy time. They can feel like the new spouse (you) have taken their parent away from them, and also split up their mommy from their daddy (even if this is not even remotely true, as it wasn't in my case and probably isn't in yours either, but little ones still tend to see stuff this way). Now she knows your wedding is coming up, and that means even less chance that mommy and daddy will get back together. A lot is going on in that little mind and heart.

Your fiancé is trying to be a great dad, for the tiny bit of time he gets with her. 4 nights out of 31 in a month..that's what, 13% of the the nights in a month that you are sacrificing time with him. You have him all to yourself the other 87% of the time. Perhaps you are being a bit immature/selfish on this. No offense, just trying to get you to look at the bigger picture.

While I agree, he should get a better nighttime routine, that gets him back in bed with you as soon as she is settled, it may take a little while. Every kid and situation is different. Every parent is different too. We are far from perfect, and we don't have a manual to tell us exactly what each kid needs. I'm assuming he is doing his best in trying to help his baby. They are only little for a moment. He is probably so sad of all the time he is missing with her already. He is cherishing the little bit they do have. Soon she will be locking her door and ignoring everyone...

Since you are not a parent yet, I get that this is hard to fully understand. If it is this upsetting that this fraction of his time is being given to his baby girl, to the point that you said in the post that you are considering not marrying him, maybe you are not ready to be a stepparent. It does take sacrifice and a lot of patience. Only you and he can decide that. I wish you all the best.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You are going down a bad path. Having resentment and feeling negative towards your spouse for spending time with their child is a recipe for disaster. Take out whether he and she should be doing this based on age and what not out of the equation. He is showing genuine love and caring for his child and you are turning into a her versus you thing. Factor in she is there just every other weekend and it seems that you are making a situation where your marriage will not survive this.

This girl had to deal with a family breakup AND not having her father around all the time. He has to deal with every other weekend (well, has to, I don't know, why didn't he get split custody?). This doesn't mean he should be sleeping in there all night. You call it creepy, which is what I would say about an uncle or some other ridiculous situation. What are you implying? He is molesting her? It's pretty messed up that you feel this way about the man you plan on living the rest of your life with.

Do you have a relationship with her? Do you show affection towards her? Does she like you? Do you try?


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

@Cooper, I think we're already at all of those issues. I get she's a child of divorce like someone had mentioned but she was about 4 when they split and all of the behaviors that arose have been allowed to become a part of life. He sees nothing wrong with going to sleep in her bed.

No, she and I are not bonded. And it's for reasons just like this. I've already told him I cannot connect with the behaviors she has. What you are suggesting is a good idea, I'm not sure either one would go for it. She wants him in there to fall asleep and whines on the rare occasion he says no so he gives in. My fiancée dad has heavy narcissistic/PD traits so he overcompensates for it with his child. 


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Wow. Some harsh statements. You're assuming all of his other time is mine. That is far from the truth. 


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ecollin1 said:


> I have been with my fiancé for a little over 2 years. We are suppose to be married on 8/19. He has an 8 yr old daughter from his first marriage. She lives with her mom and stays with us every other weekend. For just about all of our relationship he has had to lay down with her when she goes to bed. At first it was maybe 15 mins or so but at this point it's gotten to be hours to all night. When it's time to go to bed the two of them go off to her room and I never know when/if he will come to our bed. If she stays longer during spring break or summer he is still in there every night. I get she's here only every other weekend but she's 8 and still needs someone to lay with her? And he thinks it's ok to leave me alone every night? It's making me lose interest in him and resent her being here. *I brought it up once and he said if she wants him in there he will be 100% of the time and basically threatened breaking up with me but said he'd start setting an alarm for an hour. That never happened.* When she's here he lets her stay up just as late as we are do so there is no putting her to bed early. Am I overreacting for this bothering me? I think it's weird and mildly creepy but also, how is it ok to make me feel so insignificant and alone? I use to take sleeping pills so I could sleep but they stopped working so now I just lay in bed awake the whole night. He's been in her room almost 3.5 hrs now and it's already 2:00 am. He noticed last night I was awake all night when he came to bed at 6:30 am. He just asked why I was being a butt and said I only stay awake when he isn't sleeping in here. I'm really struggling with if we should get married. He doesn't want to see what he's doing but will still expect me to help and drive her an hour back home in the morning. Am I wrong in how I feel? Am I overreacting?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


the fact that he dissed you and threatened you with leaving and called you a butt is not a good sign.

count me among the ones that think HE's being a butt!


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Creepy may be a strong word, but I do think it's odd, and no I don't think he is doing anything inappropriate to her. Maybe if it was once in awhile I'd feel different but it's every night she's there and he has the full intent to sleep in her bed with her. 


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

While I think that it would be a good idea if you did join in on tucking your step-daughter in at night, I don't think that it is wise to let her rely on having her dad sleep with her the whole night. Has there been and progress on this? I would think that you want to have this resolved before the wedding happens.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

Why does he only have his daughter every other weekend?


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

That is what their custody arrangement is. Her mom lives about 40 mins away so during the week visits aren't possible 


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I get all the other points in that it's not great for the marriage or the child, and I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I also agree that this little girl is a child of divorce, and has had a lot of changes to adjust to in her little life.
> 
> What I don't get at ALL, is how is this in any way, shape or form, creepy or inappropriate?? He's her daddy!


Because frusdil, all men are sexual predators. Didn't you get the memo?


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Yes, kivlor that's exactly what I said. 


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I do think this is something I wouldn't do with my own kids, because I would be worried about it impacting their ability to be independent. I understand the H wanting to do whatever makes his daughter comfortable / happy. He only sees her every other week, and only for 2 days. If you love your kids, and want to be their dad, this is pretty much impossible with that arrangement. 

OP, your H was snappy about you asking him to stop because he felt you were threatening that tiny, weak tether he has to his daughter. This is a case where being negative is going to definitely evoke a negative response, and if you provide an ultimatum, he'll provide one in return: Make me choose between my daughter and you? That's an easy choice darlin!

This is going to be a difficult behavior to modify, because the adult doesn't want to modify it. How about a talk with him about being concerned about his DD's independence, and how this could impact that? How about asking if you and he could change the schedule, and instead, you both go into her room, and read her a story before bed? You need to substitute this behavior with another, so that it remains positive in your H's mind. 

Another thought... your H is living 40 minutes away from his XW. Would it be possible to move closer and get a motion to modify, so you would have DD more often? This would be another positive way to modify the behavior: "Honey, I want what's best for us, and what's best for DD, so how about we find a way for her to be here more often?"

Under no circumstances leave any room for misinterpretation by your H that you want to separate him from his daughter. You'll lose that battle, even if you're not fighting it.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

ecollin1 said:


> That is what their custody arrangement is. Her mom lives about 40 mins away so during the week visits aren't possible
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


A 40 minute drive is impossible? That poor girl... This whole situation makes me sad.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Thanks for the snarky comments Ralph. Maybe I should have phrased it more to your liking. You don't know everyone's situation and rude comments aren't appreciated 


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> A 40 minute drive is impossible? That poor girl... This whole situation makes me sad.


Well, depending on location and finances, 40 minutes could be a deal-killer. Where I'm at, 40 minutes is a shopping trip, so it's a given that most people would still go get their kids. For other people this may not be the case.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

No, us moving up where her mom lives isn't an option. We both work too far from there and the area we'd have to live in for it to be affordable is less than desirable 


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Don't get me wrong, if she were closer he'd have her more often. He works until at least 8 most days and later on a few days, there is no way around that for him. By the time he got up there she should be in bed


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

ecollin1 said:


> No, us moving up where her mom lives isn't an option. We both work too far from there and the area we'd have to live in for it to be affordable is less than desirable
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OK, so here's where I'm a little different than your average poster on TAM. Don't take anything I say too harshly, I'm just pretty blunt.

Working too far seems like a valid reason. Could you find work closer to her?

"It's not a desirable location" seems pretty weak in the face of seeing your daughter. It's basically saying that "the location of my home is more important to me than my daughter." 

Part of being parents is giving up the things we prefer, in the best interest of taking care of our children. They come first.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Less than desirable meaning run down, gang and drug issues. That's not an area I want to live in, for anyone. His job isn't very easy to move due to the type of work.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

ecollin1 said:


> Less than desirable meaning run down, gang and drug issues. That's not an area I want to live in, for anyone. His job isn't very easy to move due to the type of work.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Is there no "cleaner" place within say 20 minutes' drive of the XW?

Could you entice the XW to move?

The reality is that his daughter is already living in this environment, apparently. And doing so without a father to guide her. The stats on what happens to such girls aren't good. 

When you say it's not easy to move, does that mean he can't, or doesn't want to? Would he take a pay cut? What kind of work does he do? What kind of work do you do? 

ETA: Is there any option for a motion to modify, to get him declared the primary custodian? This would get the DD out of an undesirable neighborhood.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

ecollin1 said:


> Less than desirable meaning run down, gang and drug issues. That's not an area I want to live in, for anyone. His job isn't very easy to move due to the type of work.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm just going to point out a problem I see here. Your entire thought process is off.

"It's not a place I want to live in for anyone". You are placing yourself above your fiance's DD. This is going to cause you problems in marriage, now or later. 

I think this is quite telling actually.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Maybe it is telling but I'm sorry I don't want to live in an area I don't feel safe in. If it was as easy as putting words on a forum we'd live next door to her. Maybe it was a bad idea to ask my initial question. It's turned into defending both of us and decisions that have been made. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> OK, so here's where I'm a little different than your average poster on TAM. Don't take anything I say too harshly, I'm just pretty blunt.
> 
> Working too far seems like a valid reason. Could you find work closer to her?
> 
> ...


Seems this is going a little off the track here....

OP has stated he already works until 8 (or later) on most days, so if you add on a commute of at least 40 minutes, when exactly is he going to get all this additional time with his daughter?? Them moving does not sound like a viable or logical option. Trying to get the ex to move Im sure would be pointless. 

Seems the focus needs to be on improving the actual situation at hand. This is touchy. He only gets so much time with her, so its understandable that he will not like being asked to change what he is doing. However, leaving his partner to sleep alone is not acceptable. In what other areas down the road are OP's needs and feelings going to be dismissed, and the daughter given total priority? The daughter being 8 should be able to sleep on her own. Seems that reading then cuddling for a bit should be preferable over spending the entire night sleeping with her. If he wants to have a wife, then he needs to learn to prioritize wife as well. A marriage that is not solid will only be harmful to a kid over time. 

OP, how is your relationship with his DD?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I don't think you're overreacting at all OP. If anything, it reflects on your fiancé's poor parenting skills (that and the fact that he allows her to stay up so late and doesn't impose a bed time). I would also be very concerned. I think if you have doubts, you should absolutely postpone the wedding until this is resolved. You and your fiancé may just be incompatible on this. Do you plan on having children together?


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.

He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Based on your latest post OP, I'd say definitely don't marry him. It shouldn't be your responsibility to parent his child. It's also obvious he won't change. Your resentment will only get worse after marriage. Not better.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

ecollin1 said:


> His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.
> 
> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> 
> ...


This is going to be a problem for your relationship with him. I think you should strongly consider calling off the wedding until this is resolved.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

ecollin1 said:


> His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.
> 
> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> 
> ...


Please don't marry this man.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

ecollin1 said:


> His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.
> 
> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely correct. As far as his daughter is concerned, you're just a woman who lives with her dad and who competes for his attention. As for him, he will choose his daughter over you without any hesitation. YOU ARE NO ONES PRIORITY. This is what you signed up for.

So here is the deal. Unless you win the daughter over and become her mother figure you will have no weight in this relationship. That's probably not going to happen since you don't seem to be motivated.

If your fiancee is the type of a guy who would drop his daughter to please his girlfriend then he'll probably drop you in the future for somebody younger and prettier.

The good news is, you guys aren't married yet.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

ecollin1 said:


> Wow. Some harsh statements. You're assuming all of his other time is mine. That is far from the truth.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What can we go on but what you say?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

ecollin1 said:


> Maybe it is telling but I'm sorry I don't want to live in an area I don't feel safe in. If it was as easy as putting words on a forum we'd live next door to her. Maybe it was a bad idea to ask my initial question. It's turned into defending both of us and decisions that have been made.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OP there is nothing to defend. You have your priorities, and your fiance has his. And those priorities don't seem to be aligned. I would be very cautious about getting married to him, because you don't appear to be on the same page.



ecollin1 said:


> His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.
> 
> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> 
> ...


Okay, now here's the meat that we've all been looking for, I think. Until now, OP, you've danced around this, but here it is. Glad you said it.

So... when you sign up to be with someone who has kids, you need to understand that you aren't going to be their priority. Ever. Their children come first. And of course, their kids aren't going to put you first, because you're not their real parent, and they know it.

You describe your feelings for your H and his relationship with his DD are described as resentment. If you resent your fiance now, how much worse will this be when you're married?

IMO you should call off the wedding, and move on with your life. You're not cut out to be with someone who's got kids from a previous relationship. And that's okay.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seems this is going a little off the track here....
> 
> OP has stated he already works until 8 (or later) on most days, so if you add on a commute of at least 40 minutes, when exactly is he going to get all this additional time with his daughter?? Them moving does not sound like a viable or logical option. Trying to get the ex to move Im sure would be pointless.
> 
> ...


the above bold, just sums up everything i think.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ecollin1 said:


> His daughter and I don't have a strong relationship. She hugs me before they go to her room at night and when I drop her off at school the Monday after our weekend. We don't cuddle or anything like that. I'm probably the bad cop that does most of the correcting because he "doesn't want their time to be spent that way". She knows I have boundaries that he doesn't. When her parents split it seems like she regressed to a younger emotional age and since we've been together it's just become a way of life which I have grown to resent. Ive told him I have a hard time connecting with the behaviors. They both enable each other and don't seem to want to get past the initial phase of not being together everyday. Neither one has grown from it. I didn't know him then but it's been about 4 years since their separation.
> 
> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> 
> ...


Sorry to say, you should not marry him if this is how things are. At least put it off for now.

It sounds like he wants all their time together to be play time. Sorry but that isn't how parenting works. You still have to set boundaries, and rules, and discipline when needed. Her not having a bedtime is bad enough, but it sounds like he doesn't enforce ANYTHING. Not good.


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## danjess (Aug 15, 2016)

I believe it is unhealthy coming from someone who understands him. I had got into relationship with a at the time a friend who who was abandoned when pregnant. i was there pretty much from birth as a friend then we started a relationship and the little girl may not have had a drop of my blood but had every ounce of my heart. long story short, that relationship didnt work out and I ruined several relationship including hurting the one i am currently in because i put that little girl ahead of everything just to continue trying to have her in my life.I believe he is trying to make up for lost time with her. Making up for the days he doesn't get to see her. 
trust me its extremely hard when you have your little girl crying for your attention and i expected my girlfriend to understand bc she is the adult and can cope just fine by herself.

I recently made peace with myself to let go of that part of my life after almost 2 years that she had already been taken completely away from me yet i held onto to her memory blinding me to the damage i cause my current relationship, hence why on this site. I realized my girlfriend starved for my attention and i had left her abandon out in the cold. I can only pray now that the relationship i hurt can be rebuilt.
I hope he realizes just how much he's hurting you too bc even being told doesn't work. he has to see it for himself.


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## ecollin1 (Aug 15, 2016)

@danjess thank you for sharing your perspective. I know he is thinking the exact same thing you were. I know he feels guilty and is trying to make up for the times he isn't there and how his father wasn't there for him, and I know it's his daughter and doesn't get much time with her. I'm afraid though that he'll never see it from any other point of view. I don't think he realizes the damage he can do to both of them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OP, I read my posts again and I hope I didn't come across as too harsh on you, because that wasn't the intent.

What I'd like to add is that I don't think your fiance is ready for another marriage right now. And I think that the feeling of resentment on your part is a recipe for a bad one, especially mixed with his poor behavior patterns. 

You could get counseling together--and honestly, he probably needs some counseling for how to properly parent in the environment he's in--but I wouldn't recommend even considering counseling for the two of you and finding a way to force your relationship to work. (unless there are some extenuating circumstances like if you're ~40, don't have kids, and want them)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ecollin1 said:


> That is what their custody arrangement is. Her mom lives about 40 mins away so during the week visits aren't possible
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Why can't he have 50/50 custody? One week with you and one with mum. Or, Fri-Mon with you guys, and the rest with mum? Then the long drive to school is only once a week for you guys. My heart breaks for dads who only get their children for 4 days a month 

Re the sleeping thing, I really do understand where you're coming from. I had the same issue when I was dating my husband. His daughter would sleep in his bed with him when she was here. It wasn't an issue while we were dating, but when he wanted me to move in it became an issue.

I said that would have to change before I'd consider it, and he had to do it well before I moved in, so that she wouldn't associate the change with me and our bond wouldn't be affected. He did make the change, and she was VERY excited that I was moving in with my dogs (I think the dogs were the biggest hit, lol).

What your fiance said to you is absolutely NOT ok. When I discussed this with my then bf, he came at it from the perspective of a loving daddy AND a loving partner. And he fixed it. Your fiance isn't doing that. 

I also agree with another poster who said he is basically telling you that his daughter will always come before you. I also agree that that is wrong. The marriage should come first, because that creates a solid foundation for the family.

At the very least the wedding should be postponed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ecollin1 said:


> ... he has had to lay down with her when she goes to bed. At first it was maybe 15 mins or so but at this point it's gotten to be hours to all night.
> 
> It's making me lose interest in him and resent her being here. I brought it up once and he said if she wants him in there he will be 100% of the time and basically threatened breaking up with me but said he'd start setting an alarm for an hour. That never happened.


^^Here is the writing on the wall.^^ This isn't getting better. In fact, it is getting worse. Basically, your fiancé is telling you it's his way or the highway.

And you're getting married on 8/19? Please, please, please reconsider. At least for now.

It's understandable he would want to stay with his daughter until she falls asleep. But falling asleep in the same bed all night? I won't call it creepy, but it certainly shows you are NOT his priority.

This is not the right foot to start on in a marriage. Seriously.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OP, you entered his child's life when she was only 5 or 6 years old. In general, children this small (kindergarten age) quickly take to new people in their life, and a relationship/bonding is fairly easy. They are quick to want to draw you pictures and show you the cool things they are making. So unless she is pretty unusual, it's surprising that you two haven't bonded in over 2 years. If I were your fiancé, I would be concerned about that. It would seem to me that most likely the bonding didn't happen because you kept her at arms length, by not wanting it or nurturing it.

The way you talk and react, you come across as being pretty young. If that is the case, that may be part of it too. As a parent or step-parent you have to be willing to sacrifice and put kids ahead of yourself much of the time. Perhaps you are not a kid person. Lots of people aren't, and that is totally fine, except if they are marrying someone that has kids.

His daughter is always going to be a big priority in his life, and it seems like that will continue to bother you. You want to be his princess, but he already has one. There are plenty of men that don't, and they would be able to make you their top priority. There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting that. It might be a good idea for you to find someone who doesn't have kids already.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I'll tell u now this relationship will never work and why?
Because you clearly resent his child and cannot bond. 
Marriage killer right there. Trust me. This will end badly.

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## PinkPeonies (Aug 18, 2016)

I think that is very strange! You are not overreacting.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wedding date was set for tomorrow, right @ecollin1? How goes it?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

What's creepy is you're jealous of your fiance's 8 yr. old daughter. You push this to him making a choice ,you will lose. Doesn't seem like you have ANY motherly instincts and the most likely best thing for you would be to find a new relationship w/o kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ecollin1 said:


> @Cooper, I think we're already at all of those issues. I get she's a child of divorce like someone had mentioned but she was about 4 when they split and all of the behaviors that arose have been allowed to become a part of life. He sees nothing wrong with going to sleep in her bed.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's not that long sweets, for a little girl whose world was turned upside down by her parents divorce. Both her mum and dad are parenting out of guilt, which is a recipe for disaster but a lot of separated/divorced parents do this. My own husband included. 

There IS nothing wrong with him sleeping with his daughter if it's just the two of them, but now that he is meant to be getting married, changes need to be made. Ask him for a compromise to start with - he sleeps with her one night she's there instead of both, and slowly cut it back so that it's an occasional treat.




ecollin1 said:


> He's told me she is what matters and unless I have his child he should be my priority. Right now I'm feeling as if I am no ones priority.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is not good. And you're right, you aren't anyone's priority.




Kivlor said:


> So... when you sign up to be with someone who has kids, you need to understand that you aren't going to be their priority. Ever. Their children come first. And of course, their kids aren't going to put you first, because you're not their real parent, and they know it.


Absolutely 100% disagree with this. The marriage should be the priority. Childrens needs always come first, yes but not their wants. A second divorce will completely screw up this poor child. I speak from experience, I am step mum to my beautiful daughter and came into her life when she was 6.

We are not step, half, blended anything. We are a family. I've earned the right to call her my daughter, and have the blessing of both of her parents to do so.


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