# Daughter has found out



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I was just told last night by the mother of one of my daughters friends that my daughter knows that her mother was having an affair. Our daughter is 17. I have a lot of the kids internet access blocked so sometimes we let them use our access to do homework. She was logged on under my wifes password(no the kids don't know our passwords, we have to log them on)and she started getting IM's and played along pretending to be my wife. I don't know any details of what was in the messages but it was enough for my daughter to figure out what was going on.

I am not sure what to do, should I approach my daughter about this or let it lie? My wife has been moved out for three weeks now (leaving the kids with me) and I have the paper work filed for dissolution. My daughter has not said a word to me about what she knows. We have had several talks about the separation and she actually seems O.K. with it, but at the age of 17 she is busy with her own life. One thing I am afraid of is my daughter will tell my son who is 15. I see no reason he needs to know what his mother has done. I would rather not talk to my daughter about this subject but if it's the right thing to do I will. How should I handle this?

Cooper


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You may as well talk to her. Let her know you heard she got the IMs. Ask her not to mention it to her brother (depending on sibling relationship, she may have already). Then talk to her - if she wants to talk. Leave it up to her but let her know that you know she knows (whew! that was a mouthful!  ).


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you need to discuss it with her. it wil benefit her future.
but you dont have to be explicit in terms of what you and wife were going through.
i had a similar experience when i was younger. i found out stuff about my mum and it wasnt discussed until i came into my own womanhood. trouble is then , i hated my mother and for a while.
but when i had my first son and our relationship changed. i understood how things were and it was discussed. 
which felt important to me, that we eventually sorted it out.
i left home at the age of 11 to live with my father because of this hate and this matter lasted until i was 24. a long time.
issue with my father - i havent spoken to him for the last 9 yrs. ok for lots of reasons. but his life and keeping it so dark hasnt helped him or me understand. which didnt help the relationship to build on.
the other point on this is your daughters actions herself. 
deception for her actions on playing the role of her mother on the net.
thats very calculating and she knew what she was doing to write what she did and i bet possibly some naughty stuff.
there is the crossing over here of her boundaries into your personal life. so your daughter isnt innocent and probably knows more than what she needed to know for her age.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I would discuss it with her, she is 17 years old, she is old enough to handle this.

I think you should unblock the parent controls for her user name, since she is 17. 

But you really need to sit down with both your children and have a heart to heart talk.

I would involve your ex-wife, set it up with her, to show that while you are getting a divorce, you both love your children the same amount or even more, show them the divorce is not about them at all.

Hiding stuff and keeping secrets is always a bad idea.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I too agree that since your 17-year-old already knows, it should now be discussed, in a very non-blaming conversation, gently, openly. You may be right, at 17 she has her own life, but "knowing in secret" is always worse. It may lift the burden if she indeed feels one. 

Your scenario is my worst nightmare. I have been so careful that my three kids (16 (girl), 13 (boy) and 11 (boy) do not find out about their father's brief affair. I know it would change the way they see him, and I would never want that, even if we were separating. 

I would definitely ask her not to tell her brother. Best of luck to you, sir.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Cooper,

I agree with the others that it would be best for her to let her know that you heard she found the messages. Did her friend's mom tell you how she reacted (was she angry with her mom, etc.)? That might give you some insight in approaching her. She will most likely be relieved hearing that you already know as it may be weighing heavy on her mind. 

It will help her to see her strong dad in this light...that sometimes adults make poor decisions or decisions you don't agree with but you still respect that she is their mother and plan to do what it takes to make sure any adult issues between the two of you are handled with your kids' best interests in mind.

Think of it as an opportunity to open up communication lines with her and ease her mind....and then come back here to really vent


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here,

Well now I'm cofused. All that have responded here vote that I should discuss this with my daughter. Tonight I attended the parenting seminar required as part of the dissolution process. This very subject was part of the conversation and the counselor giving the class said an affair should never be discussed with the children. Even if the child brings up the subject the correct response isn't to confirm or deny it but to tell them it just isn't appropriate for one parent to speak for the other parent.
One part of me is still uncertain my daughter fully knows what has been going on and for how long. The full truth would be very, very upsetting for her and I'm sure she would lose a lot of respect for her mother. Right now her relationship with her mother is very good and I don't want to ruin it. 
I think for now I will just let it rest and hope I am not making a mistake

Thanks, Cooper


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well cooper I would agree witht hat if she was younger, but she is 17, she is practically an adult, start treating her as such.

She deserves honesty from you both


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Cooper said:


> Cooper here,
> 
> Well now I'm cofused. All that have responded here vote that I should discuss this with my daughter. Tonight I attended the parenting seminar required as part of the dissolution process. This very subject was part of the conversation and the counselor giving the class said an affair should never be discussed with the children. Even if the child brings up the subject the correct response isn't to confirm or deny it but to tell them it just isn't appropriate for one parent to speak for the other parent.


My gut reaction would be to talk to her about it, but if the parenting counselor is saying not to, I'm sure there's a good reason for that. You want to think about the long term consequences and what benefit vs. possible hurt could be caused by confirming the affair or ignoring the subject.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here,
I think the wait and see approach is best. My daughter is a pretty good kid, almost straight A's, always home on time, always leaves her door open, I have never suspected any drug use or drinking. And I pay very close attention . When all this really started going bad in the spring I signed my daughter up with a young gal who is a life coach for teens. She is both a counsler and a mentor. I spoke with her today and she said my daughter has spoke a lot about the marriage breakup but really hasn't placed blame on either of us. She suggested that as long as there is no change in my daughter I should just let it be.

This still doesn't help me to protect my son from finding out. Therte are so many people that know at this point that I am sure he will find out. From what I have learned my wife was very open about the fact she was seeing other men and was just getting things in place to leave me. What a piece of crap she turned out to be.

Cooper


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Not sure this can help or not....

BUt I watched my daughter's friends across the street go through a bitter divorce, and I mean BITTER.

The girls are ages 10 and 7 now. It started 2 years ago.

It started off with a Bang, while the girls were at school (first day of school no less) the mother had a moving company come and clean outt eh house, the hubby was at work and had No idea she was doing this, even though he filed.

Well the girls came home from school the first day to a EMPTY HOUSE...ages 5 and 8.....can you imagine?? My wife saw this, and QUickly gathered up the girls and took them in, we ended up dropping them off at the mothers new residence....

But the father and mother still hate each other and the girls are pawns, showered with expensive gifts and have zero disipline and they tell us all the "ugly names" the parents call each other.


bottom line the girls have found out the hard way, still don't get why Mommy and daddy hate each other, and they are trying to grow up way to fast, in a bad way. The youngest girl has a habit of steal my daughters stuff like a digital camera, i've caught her and talked to her about it, she doesn't care though it is not registering.

But cooper the teen coach is a great idea, kudo's, get one for your son as well, he is more fragile and kids react differently.

All I can offer is I hope you and your ex find common ground to do your best for the kids and keep them out of it and be civil towards each other.

just time to move on and take care of the kids and find yourself a new woman when you are ready.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> but she is 17, she is practically an adult, start treating her as such.


i agree

when my H had the one night stand, my children are 11 and 8.
obviously i left certain things out, you have to for the protection of their childhood.
but there is a way that suits your child and their level of understanding .

my sons knew what happened because i told them. daddy had made a decision to be with someone else for the night and it hurt me. 
n e questions my children had were always answered.
my sons were even told why H had to go the clinic .
they didnt ask again. but for my childrens future it was important for them to know.

In turn between my H and our children and myself, we gave our children the best start to the situation, that we were always there for them. 
as my H moved out, we put our energies into our children.
i know not all families are like this and i know im very lucky.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

it's something how quickly the situation can change. My daughter and her mom have always been close. As a matter of fact my wife spoke with my daughter in the beginning of the year about "what if" her and I divorced. Yea, I was pissed when I learned about that conversation. 

Anyway today my wife was coming to pick up my son to take him shopping. She was suppose to be here in the morning and take care of the horses so my daughter could sleep in. She calls at 11:00 and wakes my daughter up telling her she running late and she needs to go out and feed but she will clean the stalls when she gets here. Same thing happened last Sat. My daughter has been going out to the barn every morning before school at 6:15 AM to feed so yes she is doing her share . My wife shows up at a little after 1:00, goes down to the barn for a few minutes and then comes into the house. I was downstairs sanding drywall and I heard her come in and say hi to our daughter. I here my daughter yell "look what your doing to the floor, you clean that up". I went up and saw my wife had come into the kitchen with her barn boots on and was tracking mud across the room. Keeping the kitchen floor clean is one of my daughters jobs. My wife kind of snarled at her and told her she didn't have the right to talk to her like that.

After she left I sat my daughter down and spoke with her. I asked her why she was so angry with her mom. She said she is tired of her not showing up when she says she will and she had just swept the floor and didn't want to have to do it again. I believe that was part of it but I took the opportunity to take the talk a little further. I said all the right things about loving her parents and showing us respect and understanding that even though we are grown ups we can still do irrespondsible things. I didn't push her to far but I told her that it had come to my attention that she knows some details of why her mom and I are ending our marriage. She didn't speak but nodded her head yes. I let her know that I wouldn't talk to her about details but anytime she needs to talk I will be ready to answer what I can. She said O.K. but didn't want to talk right then so I let it drop.

This is the kind of pain my wife doesn't care if she causes people. She is out there screwing around with her new life and just left a huge void in the kids life. She sent me an e-mail the other day about how all her so called friends have turned their backs on her. Her current affair is with the guy that is (or was) one of her best friends boy friends. This women told me she spoke with my wife many times on how in love her and this guy were, how they were soul mates, how he was the love of her life. And there him and my wife are already having an affair. So now she doesn't understand why they are turning their backs on her. And I really mean she doesn't get it. People keep telling me how she will regret the decisions she has made. But she never will, her moral compass is so far ought of wack that she never considers what she has done or the pain she has caused. And it has been that way for a lot of years.

Cooper


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

reading that. i think you have done a wonderful thing and made a really good start with your daughter.
your communicating and she is aware and you have left the rest of the communication channels open.
you cant do better than that.
as for your wife - im sorry but what comes around - goes around.
my father used to let us down all the time on weekends and i see where your daughter is coming from. we would see him every other fortnight and stay for the weekend. on frequent times he didnt turn up.
my brother was always upset, but he was younger.we never had n e explanation or phonecall and it hurts.
i actually think your daughter was right with telling her mother of. 
this also comes as your daughter is coming into her own womanhood and she is aware of her mother, she is now the woman of the house not your wife.
your daughter cleaned the floor ,for it to be again disrespected by the mother, by walking on it with muddy boots. 
your wife has left the home and her boundaries are now changed when it comes to you and your children. you just have to remind your wife of her new boundaries, which she wont like. this is because you are then taking control from her. 
when she turns up late and her silly excuses, she maintains control.

n e way half the stories where your gaining info on your wife and this fella. most will be made up or dramatised to sound better than what they are. chinese whispers.
when in real life - when is the grass greener?
take no notice.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just a little follow up to my last post.

I had not mentioned anything to my daughter about not talking to my son. I went back to my daughter and asked her to please not say anything to her brother that would diminish his love for his mom. She said she wouldn't tell him anything like that. 
It absolutly breaks my heart thinking how my daughter must feel. She will always remember that her mom cheated on her dad, she will always remember that her mom left her and her brother and our home to be with another man.

And I have to clear one thing up . My daughter is not the woman of the house, and I would never hang that responsibilty
on her by even saying it. She and her brother have some basic chores that are just part of living in the house and contributing to the family. I have always done the bulk of the cleaning , cooking, shopping, etc., etc. Taking care of the horses has been the biggest change since my wife left. She always fed in the mornings and now my daughter must do it. I use to take care of them often myself but I have put my foot down and am refusing to help at this point. My wife has two horses and my daughter has one. My wife has moved one horse out but she is dragging her feet on the other one so I am not going to make it easy for her. Once she gets her other horse out of here we can get in a more settled life around here.

Cooper


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my interpretation of woman of the house was meant in simple terms, only as mum isnt there. thats all. i know you wouldnt hang n e responsiblity on her.
i lived with my dad from the age of 13 til i was 21. i didnt have mum around. so i was the one that helped things tick along. like you say and i was the same i had basic chores. 
i have my own horse, so i know what thats like to.
i think your doing well in your situation. i know its hard and yep i been there to.


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