# The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship



## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I don't know where to start, and wasn't sure about writing my story, but I'll give it a try.

My husband who is my best friend(and I his) and I love extremely high cheated on me last summer. 

I'll start from the beginning, he has a serious medical condition that is causing him a lot of pain and over a year a go he lost his job because of it. This was his dream job and he really loved it. Just before he lost his job he went to a hospital for a week and met lots of people with the same condition, he stayed in touch with all of them I think, but some more than others. 

He got really depressed after loosing his job, and I was struggling at the same time and fighting really hard to not get depressed myself. Not very often but a few times over the next months he complained about me to one of the girls he met at the hospital. They became friends but there was nothing more from my husbands side. I'm unsure about her intentions since she'd send selfies to him, which I think is strange if your not fishing for compliments. 

My husband has problems dealing with his emotions, and tend to bottle things up. In a way he never gave me a chance to improve. Knowing that his illness was getting worse and that I soon would have to care for him full time was not easy to handle as a 25 year old wife. He is only one year older than me.

I asked numerous times if there was a problem with our relationship but every time the answer was no. I was fine but everything else was wrong. He went on antidepressants witch was just making things worse, he got very distant and ignorant. In July he went on a trip on his own, I stayed at home to take care of the pets. I didn't want him to go but felt pressured by family members not to voice my concern.

During the time away on his road trip he spent two night with his friend, they didn't have intercourse or other type of sex since she was on her period, but they were very sexual. And after he'd been with her he came straight home with took him three days, then he asked for a divorce. 

Wow it's hard to relive this in writing, I'm going to take a break before continuing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you are here but glad you found us. 

If you don't mind me asking what is your husband's medical condition?

It must have affected his mind if he is going to throw away his wife, lover, best friend and future nurse for someone who might be as sick as him.

Is his affair partner a sick person or the wife of sick person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Ok, here we go...

He agreed to give me some time to deal with this and to come to terms with the it before making any changes or moving out. After a lot of badgering he allowed me to read the messages between them. That was painful. They were reminiscing about their sexual acts and he said he missed her bed. He dreaded telling me, because he knew I wouldn't accept it. He told her I'd want sex with him and that he'd have to tell me what they'd done. When she'd said I'd hate her, he said I already did because she was more beautiful than me. Then she made some joke about it always being good to be hated. One of the reasons this hurt so much is that I am not a hateful or jealous person, it felt like he didn't know me at all.

We scheduled mc, but had to wait a few weeks. Meanwhile he refused to cut contact because she was a friend, and he wouldn't cut out a friend just because I told him too. He never had romantic feelings for her. The reason he wanted divorce was that his vacation on his own he had been happy, but he was depressed at home. Every weekend I went away he did contact her, and the last time he deleted the messages, plus changed all his passwords. This was only for a few weeks tho, so all in all not mush contact. And the messages he deleted was only 3 som not substantial. I know this because his phone only saves a set number and I could see how many was missing. Before that weekend we had made a lot of progress but after that we had to start from scratch and he was just as ready to leave me again. 

At some point he stopped his antidepressants which helped, and only a couple of months after dday he was determined to make our marriage work. He was not ready to say he loved me again until mid October. 

Through this whole time I could see that he was not himself, I could even see it in his eyes when I looked at him. I was so determined to see him as himself again, and I'm glad he has been himself for a while now. He just started IC which he is exited about and had to wait a while for. He is determined to work on himself and be a good husband to me. Since that last weekend he has only heard from her once, he instantly showed me the text and then deleted it. 

I will probably share more details later as they come to me...


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Sorry you are here but glad you found us.
> 
> If you don't mind me asking what is your husband's medical condition?
> 
> ...


Thanks MattMatt

He has ehlers danlos syndrome she has the same condition but a different type. She was only 19 and living at her dads. They had a guest room but for some reason her sister had to stay there. Must be some f**ed up family, I feel almost like they all participated.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I've seen this time and time again on here. What is it with antidepressants? It seems like as soon as some people start taking them they get a case of wandering eyes, wandering minds, wandering hands and wandering...

Your husband told you that he wants to work on the marriage. Did this coincide with him stopping the antidepressants?

Sorry you are here.

Do you feel like you want to try to save you marriage? The physical cheating is tough to deal with and reconcile on it's own. I'm guessing that the things you read he had written to the OW have hurt you even more. Does he know that you read them?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Emmi said:


> I don't know where to start, and wasn't sure about writing my story, but I'll give it a try.
> 
> My husband who is my best friend(and I his) and I love extremely high cheated on me last summer.
> 
> ...


The number one flaw in the relationship was failed communication. Instead of confiding in you, he talked to others. :frown2: Time and time again, that is the cause of relationship failure and/or affairs.

One of the biggest problems I notice in relationships is a failure to communicate. The main cause of this is a fear of the truth. Individuals think their partner will judge them. Why are we in relationships if our partner will judge us or if we think they will. In relationships, there should be no secrets. The minute that a partner can't talk is the minute there is a serious problem. A lot of communication breakdown is the result of judgement or body language on the part of the listener.

Kudos to you for finding the strength to do this. Whatever you do, don't make exceptions. Accept nothing less than an honest an open relationship. Intimacy and trust are #1.

Relationship Teacher


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I've seen this time and time again on here. What is it with antidepressants? It seems like as soon as some people start taking them they get a case of wandering eyes, wandering minds, wandering hands and wandering...
> 
> Your husband told you that he wants to work on the marriage. Did this coincide with him stopping the antidepressants?
> 
> ...


He cut down on them before quitting completely, and I think it was around the time he started cutting down. But he was very up and down during the beginning. Every time we had sex or I did something else good he realised more and more that he didn't want to throw this away. His physical pain clearly blocked whatever emotions the antidepressants didn't block. He got better gradually while cutting and stopping them, but also through me showing him what his life with me would be like and who I really am, since over the last 6months he had completely distorted his image of me in his mind.

I do want to save our marriage. I love him, he is the only man I have ever been with, and I want to keep it that way. I am however demanding that he step up to make it worth it for me, and that he make more of an effort to meet my emotional needs. Before this happened I trusted him more than I trusted my self, I felt like I knew for a fact that he would never cheat on me. How kind and good he was was one of the main reasons I choose him. Now I feel like I need more than that. He is really trying, and I am sure we are meant to be together. Even through the toughest time in our relationship we had fun and laughed together, we were truly best friends even then. 

I never read anything without permission, so yes he knows. And yes those messages hurt immensely, and they are what still haunts me. Especially where he compared me to her, shared the most private information about me with her and talked bad about me. It also bothers me how long it took him to cut contact. He has taken back everything, and now thinks I'm better than her in every way, but sometimes I kind of wish he would take it back to her as well, and that he would be as mean to her as he was to me, but I know nothing good will come of that, I much prefer no contact.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> The number one flaw in the relationship was failed communication. Instead of confiding in you, he talked to others. :frown2: Time and time again, that is the cause of relationship failure and/or affairs.
> 
> One of the biggest problems I notice in relationships is a failure to communicate. The main cause of this is a fear of the truth. Individuals think their partner will judge them. Why are we in relationships if our partner will judge us or if we think they will. In relationships, there should be no secrets. The minute that a partner can't talk is the minute there is a serious problem. A lot of communication breakdown is the result of judgement or body language on the part of the listener.
> 
> ...


You are right, my husband has always told me I am the least judgemental person he knows, his failure to communicate I think comes from thinking he is wrong to feel what he is feeling and trying to fix it on his own, hopefully his IC will help him deal better in the future. We generally have a really good relationship with good communication and openness between us. I do however understand that it was difficult for him to talk about his problems when he doesn't have a well developed emotional language.

Also we are both quite sure that he was going through an existential crisis at the time, he felt like his whole life was falling apart and it was all outside of his control. The only thing in his life he could change was his marital status, luckily he now realises that that was the only thing at that time that was good. Imagine loosing your health in your mid twenties, and feeling like no one understands what you are going through. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but it is important to me to show the full picture, and not portray his as some ahole who treats his wife like sh!t.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Satya said:


> Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.


I know, but the story has remained consistent since the first day when I had to force it out of him, is it still trickle truth if it all comes out in one day?

Also I know him, even though he wasn't himself at the time. For him to want sex while I'm on my period he has to be extremely turned on, it has happened a few times over the years, but bear in mind that I know exactly what he likes and how to get him going, she apparently was not very skilful at all. He recently told me that it was a bit like making out with a jackhammer. He went to show me how she kissed and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, I really don't know how he managed to keep a straight face, let alone get a hard on...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.


They had some form of sex just not PIV sex.

It never bothered me but my wife HATED PIV during her period. Her first husband convinced her it was dirty.

My reply? "That is why we have soap and water!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi said:


> I know, but the story has remained consistent since the first day when I had to force it out of him, is it still trickle truth if it all comes out in one day?
> 
> Also I know him, even though he wasn't himself at the time. For him to want sex while I'm on my period he has to be extremely turned on, it has happened a few times over the years, but bear in mind that I know exactly what he likes and how to get him going, she apparently was not very skilful at all. He recently told me that it was a bit like making out with a jackhammer. He went to show me how she kissed and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, I really don't know how he managed to keep a straight face, let alone get a hard on...


Because he was having sex with a 19 year old nymph and turned you into his cuckqueen.

What he did was very wrong.

There needs to be intense counselling with post nuptial agreements with strict boundaries set.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my lady.

You said you want to stay in this Marriage but your husband is still in contact with this girl. No chance sorry  What is the point going to MC if he is still in contact with her !

If she was having period it does not mean they didnt have sex,he is lying to you.

You are only 25 years old so dont waste your life on him.

I know you will think about his medical condition and feel bad if you leave him,but he is the one who should feel bad.

He had a good wife and best friend,who was taking care of him and look what he did !Shame on him.

Stay strong my lady and best wishes to you.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

@MattMatt I don't quite understand what you mean here. And I do believe him that they didn't have sex, her knickers didn't come of and his penis was only in her hand. He wanted to leave back then he had no reason to lie.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my lady.
> 
> You said you want to stay in this Marriage but your husband is still in contact with this girl. No chance sorry  What is the point going to MC if he is still in contact with her !
> 
> ...


He has not been in contact with her since mid August, marriage counselling really helped him to realise he needed to cut contact and it helped him realise what he really wanted, which was me. It has also helped in giving us tools for communication and other things to help rebuild our relationship. 

Like I said my husband was not himself at this time, and since he is now and has promised never to let himself go like that again I have decided to trust him again.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am around your age and I hate to see you writing like this. You belive him to much my lady and I am sad  . 

Why would you write this and even worse belive in this : his penis was only in her hand,and her panties never went off. he had no reason to lie.

He have a lot of reasons to lie but hey,your life and your decision. I just dont want to see you regret this.

I am happy he is not in contact with her anymore,so he can put all of his energy and mind to R.

You said he is working hard with you to have a better marriage and I wish you the best luck.

Just dont let him blame you for any of this and be sure it is the right thing you want in your future. 

Stay strong.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Be smart said:


> I am around your age and I hate to see you writing like this. You belive him to much my lady and I am sad  .
> 
> Why would you write this and even worse belive in this : his penis was only in her hand,and her panties never went off. he had no reason to lie.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your good wishes. I wish you wouldn't be so determined that he is lying, after spending this long in R I have to assume I have all the facts in order to keep making progress. My husband does not have a very high sex drive, and had no problem waiting early on in our relationship while I was still a virgin. Also we have been together 6 years now, and he is quite unique, he has never been interested in porn, doesn't objectify women the slightest, unless he is in a sexual act it seams that it doesn't even exist in his mind...

He did blame me a bit in the beginning but a long time ago he realised that it was all him and that he treated me wrong a long time before he ever started complaining about me.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Over the last few days I have been feeling quite low, had a lot of triggers and bad thoughts. My husband is wondering what he can do to make me feel better, do you guys have any advice?

He just got up and made my favourite thing for breakfast, little things like that really helps. He does genuinely try to meet my needs, sometimes it is hard to remember that he wasn't himself back then, I just remember the hurt and not that he has changed so much since then. I think that I could see the difference in him so clearly at that time is part of how I was able to stay in plan A for so long. I think that was the best solution for us, 180 wouldn't have worked when he had made up this fake image of me in his mind. I had to remind him of how good his life with me really was. 

It was easier to be strong then, now I'm not in fight mode anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi said:


> @MattMatt I don't quite understand what you mean here. And I do believe him that they didn't have sex, her knickers didn't come of and his penis was only in her hand. He wanted to leave back then he had no reason to lie.


The thing is he disrespected you.

Generally speaking in affair terms if they say they only kissed it meant oral sex happened. If they say they only touched their sex organs they were really at like demented rabbits. And so forth. 

He bad mouthed her to you and he bad mouthed you to her, in all likelihood.

He shouldn't use his illness to give himself a hall pass to behave badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Hi. This is Emmis husband. Why is everyone so adamant that I lied? Do you personally know me? How can you make a judgement call based on your opinions?
We are taking marriage councilling to improve our relationship to better our future. I made a horrible mistake and it was sh!t of me to do, but I am working hard to get past it and to help my loving wife live a dream life that few others could even imagine. A mistake like this will never happen again and she will get nothing but the truth from me for the rest of our lives.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi said:


> Hi. This is Emmis husband. Why is everyone so adamant that I lied? Do you personally know me? How can you make a judgement call based on your opinions?
> We are taking marriage councilling to improve our relationship to better our future. I made a horrible mistake and it was sh!t of me to do, but I am working hard to get past it and to help my loving wife live a dream life that few others could even imagine. A mistake like this will never happen again and she will get nothing but the truth from me for the rest of our lives.


It is based on the fact that 99% of people who cheated on their spouses LIED to their spouse.

You might be different. But in order to cheat on her you already proved yourself to be a liar. So you are not THAT different, I would suggest.

If you wish to continue posting on TAM i will recommend that you obtain your own account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Emmi said:


> Hi. This is Emmis husband. Why is everyone so adamant that I lied? Do you personally know me? How can you make a judgement call based on your opinions?
> We are taking marriage councilling to improve our relationship to better our future. I made a horrible mistake and it was sh!t of me to do, but I am working hard to get past it and to help my loving wife live a dream life that few others could even imagine. A mistake like this will never happen again and she will get nothing but the truth from me for the rest of our lives.


Emmis husband, 

Rather than reply directly to your post, I invite and encourage you to read the multitude of posts in the Coping With Infidelity section. 

Spend one good hour. 

I'm sure others not on a mobile phone could link you some specific stories. 

Unfortunately, the majority of experience from betrayed spouses here is that cheaters lie. Sometimes they don't lie, but mostly they do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> Emmis husband,
> 
> Rather than reply directly to your post, I invite and encourage you to read the multitude of posts in the Coping With Infidelity section.
> 
> ...


The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves. "My spouse will never know. This affair will not have any affect on them. What they don't know won't hurt them." And so forth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"and to help my loving wife live a dream life that few others could even imagine."

Hoo-boy! Sorry, but I don't really think that the majority of 25 year olds are chomping at the bit to be a life-time caregiver for their husbands. Who also turn out to be cheaters. 

Why don't you describe what you consider to be a dream life that few others could even imagine?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Emmi, I can related to much of what you are going through. My ex (note we are not married any longer), had some life-threatening medical issues, recovered a bit, lost his job, became severely depressed and a serial cheater. 

I understand you want to believe your H.
He has lost the right to expect you to assume the words that come out of his mouth are the truth. Everything he says must be verified. Everything.

Do you have complete transparency with all his communications?
Did you give him permission to post on YOUR account? if not, he remains untrustworthy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi are you OK?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Emmi how are doing ? Everythign allright at the house ?

About your first post and how you feel sometimes low. This will happen a lot,but you are on the recovery road.

You should know that you can forgive but you will never forget,no matter how old are you.

One more thing and this my favourite word to say "I hate to see you write like this" 

You said YOU HAVE TO REMIND HIM WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU ARE AND WHAT A GOOD LIFE HE HAVE WITH YOU.

I belive you are smarter then this my lady,but let me tell you : 

-He have to apologize to you
-Show you that he will be better husband
-Show you that you will never regret in your future staying with him

Sure going to MC is a good thing but hard work dont stop there. It is only the begining.

I am telling you this like my sister and I have two of them.

Emmis husband - I dont like tone,it seems to me like you were angry with us,but English is not my native language so maybe I am wrong.

I have to ask you and please create your own account and share your story with us : what did you do for your own wife ? Start from the begining till now.


Best wishes to you Emmi. I hope you are doing ok.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> The number one flaw in the relationship was failed communication. Instead of confiding in you, he talked to others. :frown2: Time and time again, that is the cause of relationship failure and/or affairs.
> 
> One of the biggest problems I notice in relationships is a failure to communicate. *The main cause of this is a fear of the truth. Individuals think their partner will judge them. * Why are we in relationships if our partner will judge us or if we think they will. In relationships, there should be no secrets. The minute that a partner can't talk is the minute there is a serious problem. A lot of communication breakdown is the result of judgement or body language on the part of the listener.
> 
> ...


There is another reason for failure to communicate. That is if spouse in the past has brought concerns to the other spouse, and that one blows it off. 

"How can you think that?" "That's the stupidest thing you've ever said", etc, etc


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Sorry you are experiencing this. He does not deserve you and I don't think any amount of therapy can make me forgive or forget how disloyal he was. 

Beyond cheating, he let another woman speak so poorly about you.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Hi guys we only just got back from church, I've spent most of the day there. 

I asked my husband to reply for me, it's hard enough to trust him so I don't want to defend him at the same time, I thought that was best left up to him.

We do have complete transparency, we have always shared all passwords and such, except from the first few weeks after, when he changed them. Now he will let me check anything whenever I want.

It might sound weird but we do actually have a pretty great life together, which is partly why him cheating on me and wanting a divorce came so out of the blue for me. I work from home pursuing my dream of being an artist, we have a great home, which we own, and it's really not easy for people our age with limited income to get mortgage where we live. Without my husband there is no way I could work full time with my art. It's hard to explain, but together we are really good at making our dreams happen, and we really do have common goals for our future. 

Thank you guys for your support and concern I am ok, earlier today I didn't really feel up for leaving the house, but I am really glad I had committed to singing in church. I didn't think about our problems at all the whole time I was there. And I'm really glad my husband came to church too, the moral support is always great


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Be smart said:


> Emmi how are doing ? Everythign allright at the house ?
> 
> About your first post and how you feel sometimes low. This will happen a lot,but you are on the recovery road.
> 
> ...


Oh, Be Smart you read him like an open book.

He WAS angry. Angry with Emmi for daring to seek advice and angry with us for seeing him for what he is. A cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

To me forgiving was the easy part, it's the accepting and moving forward that is difficult. I felt like the identity of our relationship was compromised. I had quite a tough childhood and really felt like my life had turned around after I became a grownup. So when this happened I felt like my whole world crumbled, and I was back to being the unfortunate, miserable one. 

We are both determined to be one of those couples who come out stronger. I know that the path I have chosen is a really hard one, but I trust God will help me through it like he always has before. I refuse to let what was done to me change who I am, I don't have a hard heart, and I am a forgiving and trusting person (not naive). If I let that change I loose myself.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@MattMatt I am getting better with my English I guess 

He should be angry with himself not with us or worse his wife. He caused all of this.

If he really is sorry like he said he is then he have to support Emmi. Let her know he will be there for her tomorrow or in 10-20 years.

Emmi you sound like a good girl and I wish you the best,with your marriage and your art 

Just take it easy,step by step. No need to hurry. 

I still belive you forgive him to easly and you trust him more then you should,but you know him better them me.

Build your marriage from the bottom and remember to talk about everything. Comunication is the key point in your marriage I think.

Stay strong.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

From what I've read on TAM this will probably not be very popular, but I made the choice I felt best in our situation. Apart form a few really close friends I didn't tell anyone in our families about his mistake. There would be no use in telling his family as they are cold and uncaring and probably would have blamed me more than he ever did. My family is great and they get along with my husband really well, I didn't want to jeopardise their relationship with him because of this one thing, when I knew in my heart it was temporary and that he would soon be himself again. I am really glad I was right. Another reason I didn't tell people was that I needed to keep a clear head, and didn't want anyone whispering in my ear to give up or leave him/ let him go.

It took my family long enough to accept him the first time around, probably because he was my first ever boyfriend. Maybe the fact that I never had a relationship before him made them realise that it was the real deal. At some point early on in our relationship my honesty got the better of me, and I told my parents that before I met him he had problems with drugs, he was having a break from them when we met but shortly after he got dragged into it again. I had made it very clear that I couldn't be with him if he had anything to do with drugs, and so he quit for real still in the very beginning of our relationship. My parents were adamant that once a user always a user and that eventually he would slip up again. They said they hoped he would prove them wrong, but doubted it. Now he is as anti drugs as I am, and he never did slip up again.

It took them so long to really accept him, which they have for a long time now. It was so hard for me when they doubted him all the time, and I refuse to go back to that.

The thing about my husband is that he can be really stubborn, and refuse to change his way for quite some time. But then when he realises what is right he fully changes and never looks back. It was like that with the drugs, and also with a friend he had a long time ago who started treating me really badly. I think it took him about 6months to risk his friendship and stand up for me, now he hates that guy and has had nothing to do with him since he realised about five years ago. 

That is why I think he is telling me the truth, and why I trust him. I don't think he will ever have contact with that stupid s!ut again. He tends to make the same mistake 5 times and then never do it again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> He dreaded telling me, because he knew I wouldn't accept it.


Ya think?



> Also we have been together 6 years now,


This may be a coincidence, but I just thought I'd throw it out there...maybe something that might help him in therapy - but his OW was the same age as you when you two first started dating. Sometimes men objectify women and hold a certain image as the 'ideal'; it's possible that that's what happened to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> Hi. This is Emmi's husband. Why is everyone so adamant that I lied? Do you personally know me? How can you make a judgement call based on your opinions?
> We are taking marriage counseling to improve our relationship to better our future. I made a horrible mistake and it was sh!t of me to do, but I am working hard to get past it and to help my loving wife live *a dream life that few others could even imagine*. A mistake like this will never happen again and she will get nothing but the truth from me for the rest of our lives.


Mr Emmi, I'm curious about your choice of words bolded above. In what way are you working to give her a dream life few others can imagine? What does that mean? Are you just talking about making things up to her, or is there something specific you're referring to?

And Emmi, has he taken back the blame he placed on you? In what way, specifically?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Emmi, I wish you the best of luck. I caution you in your decision to accept he is telling the truth, or telling the entire truth.
You are not the only person on TAM who has decided to R. The likely reason you aren't seeing much of that is likely because most of the couple who have attempted to R, don't last. Statistically speaking, you have an uphill battle. I would suggest that you read some of the threads in the reconciliation section here. Some have worked through many issues and it will give you an idea of what to expect.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Mr Emmi, I'm curious about your choice of words bolded above. In what way are you working to give her a dream life few others can imagine? What does that mean? Are you just talking about making things up to her, or is there something specific you're referring to?
> 
> And Emmi, has he taken back the blame he placed on you? In what way, specifically?


He has taken back the blame, he has gotten a fuller picture of how things went down. He sees now that he neglected me, and failed to see what I was going through and how I was struggling. Back then he only saw what was bad about me, now he realises that the ways I wasn't good enough was a direct result of how he was shutting me out and how I was struggling. Also he blames himself for not telling me about his problems and unhappiness. He sees that over the whole time he knew her he was building up resentment towards me, and replacing his connection to me with a connection to her, which was emphasised by the medical condition they both have. Before he lost his job he was really happy with me, he realises now that he took it out on me that he lost it. I am and have always been his rock, no one else can get through to him like I do. Btw I don't think her age has anything to do with it, I think at that point in his life she could have been 40 and it wouldn't have made a difference, the way she threw herself at him. But I'll run it by him to take to his IC regardless


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Emmi, I wish you the best of luck. I caution you in your decision to accept he is telling the truth, or telling the entire truth.
> You are not the only person on TAM who has decided to R. The likely reason you aren't seeing much of that is likely because most of the couple who have attempted to R, don't last. Statistically speaking, you have an uphill battle. I would suggest that you read some of the threads in the reconciliation section here. Some have worked through many issues and it will give you an idea of what to expect.


Thank you we had a good talk about that earlier today, he is really in to reconciling and he said he wouldn't ruin that by leaving out any information. He knows how important it is to me to know everything. He agreed that if we rebuilt our marriage without me knowing the full truth that there would be no foundation and that all our hard work would be for nothing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So his story (and I still doubt his veracity-sorry Mr. Emmi but having lived through a very similar situation, my experience leads me to question this) is that times were tough, life was scary, and his solution was to look for help and comfort outside the marriage. And that the OM threw herself at him? Is that correct? This sound a bit more like excuses along the lines of "its not my fault"

If you have any hope of reconciling, you better find ways to address this because life is tough, scary things happen all the time, and history tends to repeat itself.

Emmi, I know you want to R. I just want you to do it with your eyes open. Trust has to be earned and not by words, but by actions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> He has taken back the blame, he has gotten a fuller picture of how things went down. He sees now that he neglected me, and failed to see what I was going through and how I was struggling. Back then he only saw what was bad about me, now he realises that the ways I wasn't good enough was a direct result of how he was shutting me out and how I was struggling. Also he blames himself for not telling me about his problems and unhappiness. He sees that over the whole time he knew her he was building up resentment towards me, and replacing his connection to me with a connection to her, which was emphasised by the medical condition they both have. Before he lost his job he was really happy with me, he realises now that he took it out on me that he lost it. I am and have always been his rock, no one else can get through to him like I do.


This sounds excellent! I have high hopes for y'all's chances. Just be aware, ok? The way he came here and got all hot and bothered about what we were saying...doesn't say much good about him.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I see even more problems here Emmi.

I am not going to make a decision for you because I cant. I can only try and help you and let you see this from my point of view.

- Your husband always put himself and OTHERS in first place.
Just look what he was doing with his "best friend" and now his parents !

I know you are going to say "It was long time ago" but this should be your first problem back there. 

Not to mention his Affair and how he so easly forget about you. He didnt even try and defend you or your honor. You are taking care for him,and you are going to do it for so long.

- You decided to not expose him. Sometimes it is a good way. 
You didnt tell his parents because they hate you. What did your husband do,to let them know you are really good wife,always there for him ? I think not so much.

You didnt tell your parents because you dont want to broke his relationship with them. You should think about this one. 

It is like you are painting another picture of your husband and I know you are good Artist 

Your parents are going to be there for you. They are going to help you,no matter what.

At this moment you are dealing with his betrayel all alone. It is going to be really hard for you my Lady.

Both of you decided to work on this Marriage and I applaud to that,but I just dont want to see you even more hurt.

This is your future,your life and you have to be sure he is never going to do this again.


Stay strong my Lady and best wishes to you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You are unusual in TAM as a BS because you seem to have forgiven so easily and quickly. If true, maybe he had told the whole truth because you don't seem to want to create negative consequences for him.

That's kind of the opposite of how things normally go, which is why so many are skeptical the whole truth is out. But I suppose it could be.

Please revisit why this happened. You want to avoid these situations in the future. For example, many couples have hard boundaries against any relationship with the opposite sex that does not include both partners.

Also - was it your family or his family that discouraged you from digging deeper into his trip where he had the affair? This is a bad sign - any family members that do not make your marriage safer should be viewed cautiously. That was horrible advice and I don't know why any family member would interfere in a couples marriage like that.

I got a bad health diagnisis 4 years ago and I went through all the stages of grief while I mourned the loss of my life, marriage, and role as father to 5 kids. It was pretty awful. I pushed away my W and family because I didn't want then to rely on me anymore. I gained weight and drank too much (no violence or drunkenness at home - just an unhealthy amount). It must have been very hard for my wife.

When things got bad we had lots of talks and she admitted she had pulled away from me too but didn't know why. Well it makes sense why. Anyway we talked and resolved things and my health situation is not so dire since new possible treatments are being studied. We are great now but it was a few years of difficulties.

You have never mentioned his grief or acceptance of loss but you should think about that. I am not trying to come up with excuses for him, but if the OW was not that great a catch, maybe he was just pushing you away too. IDK but it is important to better understand what happened.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> You are unusual in TAM as a BS because you seem to have forgiven so easily and quickly. If true, maybe he had told the whole truth because you don't seem to want to create negative consequences for him.
> 
> *Yeah, I was really searching for someones story which I could relate to, but didn't really find one. I think it was two days after DD when I answered "I forgive you" after he said he was sorry for hurting me, we have come a long way since then, but still I know that was the moment I actually did forgive him. Over the last months I have made it clear several times that if there was more to the story I would forgive that to as long as he took the opportunity to be honest then. I made it easy for him to come clean I think, if I found out later on that he was still lying I don't think I would get parts it in a long time, and I don't think I would be able to treat him as good either.*
> 
> ...


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Be smart said:


> I see even more problems here Emmi.
> 
> I am not going to make a decision for you because I cant. I can only try and help you and let you see this from my point of view.
> 
> ...


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I still belive you are too good for him,especially after all he did.

You forgive him to easly but on other hand I can see your point. You want to have the best marriage,stay together and grow old together and I can only support you here on TAM.

I wish you make it,because you deserve it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi, there is a special sub-section on TAM for helping spouses deal with their husband or wife's health issues.

Might be helpful for you both? Especially if Mr E gets his own account on TAM? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Emmi

If you choose reconciliation or divorce that is what I support you with. You have chosen reconciliation, a difficult path no doubt, but first some changes need to happen. Your husband came and posted on your account, he identified himself as your husband and that's good. However, that was the only good to come from his post. 

He came across as angry, which I can understand, but that shows something about his thinking. Even his comments to the OW were nothing but hurtful to you. Always remember this if you take anything from my post, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they both were cheating, and appear to be ugly to me. OW says it's good to be hated, I believe she is and it's not because of how she looks but rather the actions she shows. Besides, how attractive is a male or female who throws themselves at a person who is married? Do you see my point?

Your husbands first problem is he sees this as a mistake. In a way it is, he f-Ed up, but that's as close to a mistake it can be. You see your husband made a choice, and I would say a pretty calculated one. He arranged a vacation, transportation, and funding to go see someone he ever should have. But I guess this was just one bad choice in a whole slew of bad choices. For him to come here and post of his "mistake" while angry struck me the wrong way. Because he is not remorseful for anything he has done in this incident. 

In fact he says to stay with him so you can have your dream life. Guess what, I have that very same dream life with a huge hole in it caused by infidelity. Some dream life you have. Your husband even has you thinking it was nothing but a "mistake", but that will change. Once you start getting your feet back inder you your thinking will take over. You will notice the lies, deception, that he chose her over you by keeping the friendship. The thinking is what will cause you to struggle. 

I apologize for not being a fan of your husband, I wasn't a fan of my wife's either for a period of time. You have stayed with your husband during his battle with depression, and now he shows you just how appreciative he is. From his post it sounded as if he would shower you with material possessions, yay, when what you really need is an honest, remorseful, non cheating spouse. I hope your reconciliation is successful and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Emmi
> 
> If you choose reconciliation or divorce that is what I support you with. You have chosen reconciliation, a difficult path no doubt, but first some changes need to happen. Your husband came and posted on your account, he identified himself as your husband and that's good. However, that was the only good to come from his post.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I feel you would probably be a bigger fan of him if you knew how much he supported me before he himself got depressed. How are things with your wife now? Does it still haunt you or does it get better? I am sure we will be successful in reconciliation, I just wonder how long it will take.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Emmi, you are quick to offer excuses for your H's behavior. He was frustrated by a different keyboard. Are you honestly saying that? He was angry. Let him own it. Your behavior is often called rug-sweeping.

I made excuses too. My ex suffered from depression and that impacted how he could interact with our family (But it didn't impact his ability to reach out to OWs,). He couldn't express himself well (except he sure knew how to express everything to OW). 

Until you require that he be responsible for his behavior and his infidelity, there will be no healing, and it will likely happen again. Sorry, but that has been my experience in real life, and on this board.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Emmi said:


> Thank you, I feel you would probably be a bigger fan of him if you knew how much he supported me before he himself got depressed. How are things with your wife now? Does it still haunt you or does it get better? I am sure we will be successful in reconciliation, I just wonder how long it will take.




Emmi

First, do not blame yourself for what happened with the male who essentially should have been charged with attempted rape. You are a victim in that situation and saying no was the appropriate response. I hope you do not carry that with you today as that would be a heavy burden that you have no fault in. About your marriage I will try to tell you what I can see wighout really knowing you. 

Your husband is immature, very weak on boundaries, and socially values himself on material items. Based on this he would be a closed person, emotionally unbalanced, insecure, relationship issues, and not confident in his abilities. However, once he learns something he will be very good at it, such as employment, but with friendships he keeps himself closed and very guarded. I would imagine he has far more female friendships then males. Dating wise, he probably has had fewer the three relationships, with confidence being the major factor. 

My biggest concern in your reconciliation is that he is closed person. He will need to be vulnerable for this to work. His therapy now should be focused on why he attached himself to the OW. He needs to fix that issue then address his approach to vulnerability. He needs to be an open book, transparent, and willing to do some heavy work to reconcile. If you are vulnerable to him and he doesn't return that vulnerability you will find yourself resenting him and pile that on the affair. Before long you will be facing a mountain without hope to reconcile. 

Your work is cut out for you Emmi, and reconciliation is difficult to walk through. While his affair is on him entirely, you will feel many emotions. Humiliated, hopeless, destroyed, devastated, rage, sad, depressed, and worthless. Combine these feelings together and you will feel like an empty shell going through the motions of life. You will need to be vulnerable to your husband, to allow for trust to be earned, which is difficult as you see how he treated your heart the first time you have it to him. You will need to self reflect, find and fix things broken within yourself, which is difficult. You will mourn your old marriage and begin building a new marriage brick by brick. Essentially your dating someone you thought you knew but obviously didn't. You and your husband will change even though you may not think you will. In fact, you have changed already. 

As for my wife and I, we are doing good, working slowly to the marriage we both desire. Some setbacks along the way but communication has ironed out these details. Does it still haunt me? Honestly, yes it does. Since d-day (January 20, 2014) the longest amount of time I have gone without thinking of the affair is four hours. It is always there, but the pain does begin to recede and not be so sharp. I still have pain, but nothing like it was in the early part of the process. As for how long reconciliation will last is, in my opinion, for as long as you both are married. Your marriage will forever require work, and to be a marriage you desire, it's never ending work. I don't say this is a bad thing, it's actually great, you get out of your marriage what you put into it. You will both benefit from this. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Really?

He reacted here like a jerk because he wasn't used to the keyboard?

Really?

Do you see how far YOU have dived into the depths of ridiculousness to pull THAT out as an excuse for his sh&tty behavior?

Have you read this book yet:
Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men (by Bancroft)


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Really?
> 
> He reacted here like a jerk because he wasn't used to the keyboard?
> 
> ...


He has anger issues, but he is really not controlling. He only ever takes it out on inanimate objects, but I calm him down a lot, so that hardly ever happens. 

I haven't read it, but I don't feel it would apply. If any of us would be at risk of being controlling it would be me, and I make sure that I'm not. 

I'm sure his anger and frustration comes from being in constant pain and losing control over his body. I don't have to walk on eggshells around him, I have encouraged him to stop building up his anger, but to let it out instantly, which seems to be helping in the long run. 

We never argue or shout at each other, neither of us handles that good. And if we disagree we just remind each other to keep calm and talk like adults. Before we learned to do this an argument would end with him leaving the room and me having a panic attack. Now we just have constructive conversations, and we make decisions based on who it matters most to. 

There is no way he is controlling.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Emmi, you are quick to offer excuses for your H's behavior. He was frustrated by a different keyboard. Are you honestly saying that? He was angry. Let him own it. Your behavior is often called rug-sweeping.
> 
> I made excuses too. My ex suffered from depression and that impacted how he could interact with our family (But it didn't impact his ability to reach out to OWs,). He couldn't express himself well (except he sure knew how to express everything to OW).
> 
> Until you require that he be responsible for his behavior and his infidelity, there will be no healing, and it will likely happen again. Sorry, but that has been my experience in real life, and on this board.


I know, I always try to make him look good, probably because that is how I see him. I don't think I'm rug sweeping, I don't ignore our problems, nor do I stick my head in the sand and wait for them to go away. I am allowing him to take the time needed to work on his issues, it is slow, but he has a whole life worth of not dealing with his emotions that he needs to work through.

We are working through this, and he is working really hard to make up for what he did. He is trying to take responsibility, but I don't think he is ready to deal with the emotions yet. I am sure we will get there, but before he can open up for all these emotions I think he has to learn how to contain them. But here I go protecting him and making excuses again right


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people who have serious, life-threatening conditions seem to react badly to them.

They act very badly to spouses, children and family members.

Whilst understandable this can gave a very negative impact on their victims.

That's why psychological therapy is also indicated for them and their victims.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Some people who have serious, life-threatening conditions seem to react badly to them.
> 
> They act very badly to spouses, children and family members.
> 
> ...


That sounds about right. Before he cheated we were trying to get pregnant, but now he has said to wait until he is more mentally stable. He has never taken his anger out on me, and he is not aggressive or violent in any way. 

From what his sisters have told me their father had anger issues and was maybe a bit to focused on discipline. From what I have seen my husband and late father in law were equally conflict shy. MIL is cold and emotionally distant, and has never really supported any of her children. My point is that my husbands childhood never provided him with the tools needed to handle the stress of his physical condition, our MC suggested that I try to emotionally coach him. He never learned to identify his feelings as a child, but he is eager to learn now. 

It wears him out to work so much on him self and on our relationship, on top of his condition it gets a bit much sometimes, but I can see that he really puts a lot of effort in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually your husband needs a variety of Talking Therapy to help him.

Your MC should be able to direct you to a suitable therapist. If not they can't I would suggest that you get a new MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Actually your husband needs a variety of Talking Therapy to help him.
> 
> Your MC should be able to direct you to a suitable therapist. If not they can't I would suggest that you get a new MC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, he just started seeing the one that was recommended buy both our MC and my doctor, they are quite busy so he probably won't be able to see him more than twice a month.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You try to make him look good to others because that is how you want others to see him. That is on you.

I see a man with a quick temper who is frustrated by life and takes it out on his life partner.
Who cheated on his wife
Who wouldn't end it when discovered
And who has a wife who makes excuses for his inexcusable behavior.

My ex also had a quick temper and for most of our marriage it was never directed at me......until it was. He also had a father with a nasty and volatile temper and the ex never got help for dealing with it. When I forced him into therapy, well, lets just say it wasn't effective. 

Your making excuses for him will not help him take responsibility for his actions or his conduct.
Good luck.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

But I'm really conflicted on this thread. While what most of these TAM posters say seems consistent with so many threads here, I'm getting a different vibe from you.

You seem calmer than most. Maybe not as angry or upset? Maybe rationalizing more? 

Are you a very always very analytical and "in your head" most of the time? Do you value calm, and controlled or low drama situations?

IDK maybe you are ok and on a healthy path here. I'd like to think so. The problem is what has happened and what it takes to fix it are pretty huge things, and your calm resolve is unsettling. Maybe that's it.

The only thing I can compare it to is people who have and support open marriages. While most on TAM frankly find it abhorrent, disrespectful, and all manner of negative things - and get viscerally upset by the thought - the proponents are almost nonchalant about it and resolved that they are fine.

Does this make any sense. I think if we got into your head a bit more we could understand why you are so calm and controlled in the midst of this chaos.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> But I'm really conflicted on this thread. While what most of these TAM posters say seems consistent with so many threads here, I'm getting a different vibe from you.
> 
> You seem calmer than most. Maybe not as angry or upset? Maybe rationalizing more?
> 
> ...


You are really describing me well here, I am very calm and analytical. I never stop thinking and I never loose control over myself.

Under no circumstances would I consider an open marriage, I believe very strongly in monogamy and have always been determined to only have one sexual partner through my entire life.

What my husband did to me was devastating, and I am extremely hurt by it. I consider this to have been a major crisis in my life. However I am really good at dealing with negative situations, and extreme pressure brings out the best in me. I focus hard on solving problems and making things work.

I guess part of why I can stay so calm is because I have been through a lot, and I know through experience that things get better. I had a tough childhood where I was once abused by an older child before I even started school, then I went on to being bullied pretty much until the age of 16. 

Also I have my faith that keeps me going, and I bring the best out in my husband, I don't believe he would be capable of doing what he did if he hadn't distanced himself so far from me. He has promised to never do that again, and to fix the problems that caused him to do so in the first place. We are so connected again already, and I think we can only go up from here, I know we have a long way, but we work so well together I'm sure we are one of the few that will make it. I am naturally a positive person, and that doesn't hurt.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

That helps. So let me ask you this. If you found he strayed again what would you do? Would you immediately end it assuming this was a false R?

Being analytical myself I understand where you are coming from. The problem is if you are smart too. Because if you are, you can forever construct circumstances and arguments that support your desired outcome.

I'm not addressing your present situation - I am very compartmentalized in my thinking. Assuming whatever you want to assume about what has already happened, I'm curious if you have a plan for the future if different scenarios happen. And the most telling one is if he cheats again.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> That helps. So let me ask you this. If you found he strayed again what would you do? Would you immediately end it assuming this was a false R?
> 
> Being analytical myself I understand where you are coming from. The problem is if you are smart too. Because if you are, you can forever construct circumstances and arguments that support your desired outcome.
> 
> I'm not addressing your present situation - I am very compartmentalized in my thinking. Assuming whatever you want to assume about what has already happened, I'm curious if you have a plan for the future if different scenarios happen. And the most telling one is if he cheats again.


Yes, if he strayed within the next five years, or lied about what already happened, I would consider this a false R. After that I might consider the R to be real, but him to be weak, pathetic and unworthy. 

Whether I would leave immediately I am not sure. I might take some time to ensure my lifestyle and comfort. Say if we had work left to do on the house I would get that done.

I find it difficult to know exactly what I would do because so much of it would depend on my feelings. I always knew deep down that I would be able to forgive infidelity once, but I never thought I would have to. I can't even imagine having to go through this again, and I don't know if I could bare it. Most likely I would consider him a lost cause and leave knowing I did all I could. Maybe I would fight for us again using a different approach, I don't think so though. I'm fairly certain I did the right thing this time around, and if that failed my hopes for success using other methods are low.

I trust him, but verify, so hopefully I won't have to make that decision. I cry almost every day, at times I feel hopeless and broken, sometimes all I can think about is how he did the one thing that would allow me to leave, according to my faith. Just last night I was telling him that the vows we made at our wedding are broken, and for the rest of our lives I will be free to leave because of what he did. Unless we make a new commitment I will be free to change my mind at any time. I think maybe he realised the seriousness of it, he said he would work for the rest of our lives to make me want to stay. 

Most of the time I am happy and content, that makes up for the moments of despair. I don't rely on my husband to make me happy, I take responsibility for my own happiness. As long as we are together and living our lives like we do, where we help each other pursue our dreams and common goals it is easy to be content. If I lose my marriage I lose all of that and it would take a lot of rebuilding for me to be happy on my own. I do rely on him not actively hurting me like he did last year, and as long as he doesn't my chances of happiness is greater with him than on my own.

I am basically really counting on him not betraying me again, and I can't really comprehend the thought that he might.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

That is why I think he is telling me the truth, and why I trust him. I don't think he will ever have contact with that stupid s!ut again. He tends to make the same mistake 5 times and then never do it again.[/QUOTE]

So are you saying, there is a possibility he will cheat 5 times? And promise to never do it again?


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Five times was just an approximate number, and all the times he had contact with her after DD is what I consider to be the same mistake as the actual cheating plus the complaining about me and over sharing personal information. He was stubborn and in a certain state of mind then, he is not in that mindset anymore and he has promised never to let himself get into that place again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Emmi said:


> Hi. This is Emmis husband. Why is everyone so adamant that I lied? Do you personally know me? How can you make a judgement call based on your opinions?
> We are taking marriage councilling to improve our relationship to better our future. I made a horrible mistake and it was sh!t of me to do, but I am working hard to get past it and to help my loving wife live a dream life that few others could even imagine. A mistake like this will never happen again and she will get nothing but the truth from me for the rest of our lives.


Because your are the one to step out. People are just giving her advice and a deferent point of view. She is a jewel and you betrayed her. Why would your expect your word to be taken for truth with what you did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

With what I said it sounds like you are well on the way to regain your wife's trust and being true to her. You could have very easily lost her if she was not so forgiving. Good luck and I wish the best for the two of you. Emmi always be true to yourself and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Do you think you will have to care for him full time at some point? Is this the natural progression or just a possibility? When would this likely happen?

If this is the progression it will be critical - IMO - for you to get at your anger now, feel the betrayal, let him have it and understand your pain, before you can say you are healed

Caregiving is a grueling, unforgiving, thankless role. If you have lingering slightly buried resentments, well... it will make a bad situation much worse.

Good luck. Sorry you find yourself here


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

We don't think it will ever be full time as in personal hygiene and such, but it does progress and get more and more. I don't tend to hold a grudge or carry much resentment, plus I find it quite rewarding to care for him. It's a bit like when he needs me all my issues goes away and my focus shifts to make things better and to help him. 

Of course I have anger and sadness now, but I never keep it in or build it up, I make sure to get it all out as I'm feeling it which makes it easier to deal with in the long run.

For the record today and yesterday have been perfect, got a lot done, hardly thought about bad stuff at all, and when I got slightly triggered I let him so, he adjusted what he was doing and it went away

I'm feeling almost slightly addicted to TAM, I'm spending way too much time reading here


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Time for an update I guess... I was unsure on whether to start a new thread or just bring my old one back to life... I went with this option for now.

Lots have happened really. Things got really good we've been really happy, marriage counselling has really helped a lot! So back in March we got to a place where we decided to try to have a baby. Both my doctor and the counsellor said we were in a good place and had no objections. We got pregnant on first try, which was really exciting and fun. After we got pregnant and the morning sickness, should really call it all day sickness, kicked in my husband was great! He really stepped up with everything. Got me breakfast in bed, did most of the house work, despite his health issues... I felt really loved. Not only that but he's been talking more about emotions, about how it will be to have our baby, which has been the biggest thing for me really, since I think conversation is one of my most important love languages. 

Now we have been in a rehabilitation centre for almost a full month. My husband is the patient and I'm just here for emotional and practical support. We are both getting a bit down and stressed from being here. He hates places like this because he has spent so much of his life in hospitals, and I really can't stand to be around so many people all the time and have so little privacy.

He is tired from doing so much work and exercise, and don't really have the capacity to meet my emotional needs. Plus he is focused on getting better, and he is worried about putting others ahead of himself like he often does. And I feel like he is overcompensating by being a bit selfish. I feel like I'm getting in to a bit on a depression, and being here makes me trigger really bad. The place we are staying is tied to the place where he met the OM, and every week before the new people arrive I've been really stressed and worried that she will show up, even though it's probably extremely unlikely. 

I don't know how to balance my needs and his while we are here, every time I bring up my needs I feel ultra selfish, needy and unreasonable. I'm not even supposed to be here, I'm here for his benefit, to help keep him motivated, and to learn about how to help his recovery after we get home...I feel like I'm supposed to be invisible, no hassle and stay out of the way. 

It's not like my husband has done anything wrong, he just doesn't understand my need for alone time, just the two of us, or conversations and just cuddling. So he is not meeting those needs very well. He wants to spend time in the common area, or sleep in the bedroom, that's it. He says spending time in the bedroom drives him crazy. I just feel so rejected when I'm asking for my needs to be met and he responds with being annoyed and aching to get out of here... I'm sure it's just stress, hormones, triggers and depression, but this has me doubting our future, and makes me wonder if we should take some time apart. I don't want that, it makes me cry just to think about it, I don't want it at all. But I think I want him to win me back, for him to be the rejected one for a change. I want to see him fight for me and really prove his love. But how is he supposed to do that while working on his health, and how am I supposed to fake rejecting him, when all I want is for him to hold me tight...


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am glad for your pregnancy and how the Husband helped you at the begining. 

About your issues you should talk with him and tell him what bothers you or what you expect from him. Your situation is really hard because of his health but try and find some living agreement. He should know that you need time just for the two or three of you .
Tell him your needs. You are not selfish or anything like that if you want him to rub your feet or cuddle with you. You are not doing anything wrong for his health.

This should be your happiest time of the marriage so make sure you enjoyed it. 
Separation would not help you but if he is not willing to change or support you or step up his game then you are going to feel like this a lot of time. 

Stay strong.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I had a good talk with my husband after i posted here the other day, and after we were both better. We're finally home again now, so I'm exited to see how things go from here.

These doubts of mine I think are actually more of a subconscious desire to get even than actual doubts. I know in my mind that there is no one else I'd rather be with, it just gets really hard to deal with such a big betrayal and so much hurt. I also feel like I need some sort of closure. Things went from really bad to quite good so gradually, it took so long that I don't feel like the bad stuff ever ended, it just faded until it was gone. He never cut contact with her. He had a surgery, where I had to tend to him, and he really needed me. He had been keeping his promis to not contact her, but was clearly hurt by her not contacting him after his surgery, so when he deleted her from Facebook two weeks later there is no doubt that part of that was because she proved not to be a friend after all. And then I think it was probably a month after that again she texted him and he chose to tell me immediately, not reply and delete the text. So he made the decision, but it was so slow. And not based just on me and him but also a reflection of her sh!ttyness.

I have been wondering if he should write her a no contact letter now, where he take back everything he said about me, state how much he regrets it all... I struggle a lot with thinking of their conversations, and these lies and misconceptions about me kind of lingering out there because he never got to take it back... He would obviously have to be extremely humble, maybe even apologise to her for dragging her in to his problems and telling her lies about me, lies he believed at the time, but still lies.

I don't think contacting her with a no contact letter is a good idea, of course I'm worried about the whole fatal attraction aspect of it. Plus it simply makes no sense to initiate contact in order to demand no contact. But it might just be what I need in order to move on. I'm also worried that what I need is something that will progress, so after he does this, I feel fine for a little while and then I need something more... Will it ever end? Or will I always require some form of retribution?

An other thing I've really been struggling with recently is the loss of identity as a couple. Who are we now? We were the perfect couple, the cute, innocent, fun, happy, perfect couple. I can never again say: I trust him more than I trust my self, he'll never ever cheat on me... I've accepted having had a tough childhood, I've accepted being hurt and abused by others. I just can't seem to accept marital problems. We were the "this is how it's done" couple. I can't think of anyone with as good a relationship as us, I'm supposed to be good at this, this is my thing. How am I supposed to give advice to others while carrying this secret, doesn't that make me a complete hypocrite?

I don't want to be the fighters, the couple who had problems but worked their way through them. We were already a strong couple who could endure anything, I just wish all our problems were from outside sources alone. It feels wrong for this to be what makes us a strong couple... And that identity just doesn't feel right, it doesn't fit us...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You're asking the right questions. I can't help by others can...


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You really sound like a nice person and I told you this at the beginning of your thread, so please dont think about "getting even". You dont want this and you will regret it for the rest of your life no matter if you stay with him or not. You are better then this trust me. 

You will always have this trust issues,even if he becomes the best Husband in the world. Your healing and learning to trust him again is going to take a lot of time. This is not going to be solved in 5-6 months it takes years,sorry.
Staying in contact with this women is not helping you or your Marriage. Is he dumb or he cares so little!!!

Remember when I told you you should speak with someone about his Affair? You cant fight this alone and you cant lock your feelings deep inside. Open your heart and speak with your Mother or a good friend. You said you go to Church so try and speak with someone there. 

This problems and your depresion are going to damage your health,so be careful. Not to mention your pregnancy.

How is your painting and singing going ? 

I work in Hospital with kids so if you have any questions I think I could help you. 

Stay strong and best wishes to you.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Be smart said:


> You really sound like a nice person and I told you this at the beginning of your thread, so please dont think about "getting even". You dont want this and you will regret it for the rest of your life no matter if you stay with him or not. You are better then this trust me.
> 
> *I could never "get even" in that way, it goes against everything I am, who I am and what I believe in. I just want to see him fight for me, and "win me back" I don't know how he is supposed to do that, because I don't pull away nor push him away, we are working on this together, so when does he get to prove him self?*
> 
> ...


Thank you so much


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Emmi you should not worry what OW think about you. You are better person then she is. Ask anyone you want here on TAM or your private life. 

I was and still against your Husband and his actions but you never "forced" him to stay with you. He choose you and he is trying to make this Marriage work. I still think he need to put a lot more in your Marriage and your healing proces. Saying sorry is not enough and never will be. 

Finding closure is always hard and people have different opinion about it. You said you want to forgive this woman but to be honest you dont have to. She doesnt deserve your forgivnes or your kind words.
It bothers you why your Husband never defend your honor and it should be. Tell him to come clean about it.
I am glad I was wrong with your "getting even". Sorry for thinking this way.I had it wrong. 

Individual Counselling would be nice but why do you have to wait for the end of Summer ? Is it because of your Pregnancy? Then what about your Husband ? 
Remember you cant fight alone. It takes two to have a good Marriage. 

Your painting and singing with your group could be your therapy in some way so dont forget about it. 

Stay strong.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Emmi you should not worry what OW think about you. You are better person then she is. Ask anyone you want here on TAM or your private life.
> 
> *I know I shouldn't, but thanks for reminding me, I needed that. I have always cared to much about what people think of me, but this girl is truly irrelevant.*
> 
> ...


*Thanks, I'm trying to stay strong for all three of us now. This child is wanted by us both and deserve to come in to a happy family. I'm just so confused recently, one of my closest friends was very negative and doubtful when this was new and my husband had not yet regained his feelings for me, but now when I have more doubts than ever she seems to think it's all good. I feel like I have no one to talk too. I can't tell my family, they are too judgemental and my husband are closer to them than his own family, I don't want to jeopardise their relationship. Plus it took them ages to accept him, I don't want to go through that process again.*


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Keep working on this and talking to us and friends as you progress here - regardless of where your H's head and heart are at any given time.

You're a mom now and that's a new and special role. You'll find strength as a mom and know it's no longer about you and H pretty soon - it's about the new addition to the family.

18 years from now when you're sending your child off to college, today's turmoil will seem insignificant.

I'm not minimizing your situation but am aware that things are changing for the better in the midst of this chaos, so just trying to provide perspective.

Try to stay optimistic and see the joy in life - regardless of the difficulties you encounter - and you will pass down a real gift to your child.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I couldn't help myself yesterday, I went on private mode on my browser and googled OW, didn't want to get triggered later by her showing up in my search history. Made me feel better to see how pathetic and ugly she is. I'm sorry for the bitterness, I'm trying to let go of it, but I can't help but enjoy making fun of her a little bit...

I was worried it was going to be really unhealthy for me, but it seems to be fine. I was so triggered from before so I just needed an outlet, and laughing at her seemed to do the trick.

My husband was really nice and remorseful yesterday, even though he had so much physical pain he could hardly walk, he still took proper time to talk to me about it and he was sad about what he'd done, but not in a way that made me feel guilty for bringing it up. He actually stood for most of the conversation, which is rare, especially when he is in so much pain.

Lately I've been thinking that my husband should probably confess to what he did to a few more people, it's clearly hard for him to say it and to talk about it, but that's why I think he should, I think every time he says it he will feel it more and more. 

The thing is I don't want anyone else to know. In our society I feel like everyone automatically blames the wife is the husband cheats, people will think I'm not good looking enough, sexual enough, compassionate enough, young enough, or that even if I'm all those things, that OW is somehow better than me. The truth is she is not. From what I've seen her attitude to everything was too cool to care, so no compassion at all basically. I think she looks hideous, I remember when I first got a bad feeling I looked her up on Facebook and was relieved when I saw her pictures. Yesterday I asked my husband about the text he sent her where he said she was more beautiful than me, and I asked what that made me. He said he doesn't understand what he was thinking, thinking of her makes him nauseous and he takes it all back. 

I still really wish he could take it back for real, tell her how he really feels, let her know that she is nothing compared to me. I wish he would hurt her too. Tell her how ugly she is, and what a terrible person she is. I wish he would tell her how much he regrets even meeting her...

I really am quite a rational person, but right now I don't feel so rational. I'm glad I can just get everything out here on TAM...

Finally got our counselling tomorrow, and I think I'm gonna enquirer about getting an IC as well. I'm a bit nervous about that, this is a small town and chances are high I'll get someone who knows my family, an other thing I'm not looking forward to is having to tell someone new, every time I have to tell someone the full story the pain is as fresh as ever...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emmi, you have to stop beating yourself up, your WH did this NOT you.
You have nothing to be ashamed of in your little town. Don't think for one minute that every single family has a secret or betrayal and infidelity. You should not aid your WH by hiding or trying to hide. Expose all of this for what it is, only in the light will he be faced with the reality of what he has done and deal with it.
Your approach is partially rug sweeping, stand straight, tall and proud like the strong woman you are, your WH is the weak one who should be ashamed.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I'm not rug sweeping, we are working through this every day. I shouldn't have to suffer from the judgement of others because of what he did. And if their not judging me for not being a good enough wife they'll judge me for staying.

I don't want my family to know, because the time before they finally accepted my husband were very hard on me. I hated when they would criticise him to me and make me either have to defend him, or agree with them. And this was for tiny irrelevant stuff like what he would wear or superficial stuff like that. Plus they would constantly doubt his skills as a mechanic. At some point before our wedding they fully accepted him, have realised what a good person he is and come to him for help with their vehicles. I'm not about to ruin that now, they are his family as much as mine, and he needs that. He can't trust his own family, and has never had the stability and support of a good family until he became a part of mine. 

I know he wasn't himself last year, yes he made the choices that led to all this, but if he wasn't numbed by those medications and going through his existential/midlife crisis I'm sure he would have acted differently ...

It does sound a lot like rug sweeping, but I'd rather do this the slow and proper way, than blow up our lives and create consequences for both of us that I'm not sure I'd be willing to live with...


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't see anything wrong with how you are approaching and dealing with your R , it's hard work and no one gets it spot on , and everyone handles it differently...
The only thing is be careful about the meds or midlife crisis being a huge factor...plenty of people go thru that and don't even think to cheat.....

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I don't see anything wrong with how you are approaching and dealing with your R , it's hard work and no one gets it spot on , and everyone handles it differently...
> The only thing is be careful about the meds or midlife crisis being a huge factor...plenty of people go thru that and don't even think to cheat.....
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


Thanks, it means a lot to feel like someone understands. I so wish that he would have gone through it without betraying me, but he clearly didn't have the tools in his mind to deal with his problems. I know he is working on that now so in the future he will be one of those guys who can go through anything without ever considering infidelity. 

Until this he never even looked at an other girl, I'm pretty sure he didn't even really look at her. He was just so far gone that he let anything happen. 

But I know that he had underlying issues that are very important to sort out, it's just that they've always been there, and never made him cheat before. Combined all these issues just got to much. I do believe that under the right circumstances anyone could fall that far. 

Before I met my husband I went in to a state of not caring about anything, I don't think I could ever be in a state like that while in a relationship, but I've been in that place regardless, so I know that there is never any guarantee...


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I wrote this in "affairs ruin more than trust" earlier today:



Emmi said:


> I hate how it has affected my trust in other people as well. I thought it was only going to be my trust in my husband that would be affected, but no! It has made me doubt everyone, even some of my closest family.
> 
> I think my sister is behaving inappropriately around my husband, in an overly playful tone, but she reckons everything is OK because they're brother and sister(she calls everyone her siblings, while I think there is a distinction) he agrees it's inappropriate, and is trying to not participate. But still she is my sister, I shouldn't worry about her intentions around my husband. Although she did invite him on a camping trip once...
> 
> ...


And now my sister just told me that she slept with someone who is in a relationship, they have history so in a way she almost seemed to feel entitled to him, she was sleeping with him before he met her and there was overlapping, in the beginning she didn't know, but didn't stop when she found out either. Since she was sleeping with him first it seemed like she almost viewed his girlfriend as the other woman. They eventually stopped and until they met up for sex now after a year of little to no contact. This guy is in a serious relationship but my sister has never met her, and has no remorse for what she did to this girl, she feels really bad about slipping up, and about sinning against God and her self, but doesn't really think much about what she's done to this girl. I said she should tell her or make him tell her, but she didn't want to be responsible for hurting her. I think the damage is already done, and she deserves to know. I also think she should go no contact, but because of their history she refuses.

My sister has no idea what I've been through this last year, and I don't want to tell her for so many reasons. I am almost certain she would use it against me at some point in the future, and I don't want to have to deal with that. We talked for a long time, long enough for me to not hate her, and to understand her. She felt worse after talking with me, but we managed to mend it I think, I was clear about my opinion that it's worse what she has done to this girl, than how she has sinned against God and herself, but tried to not sound judgemental. 

She kept defending this guy and telling me that his girlfriend was treating him badly, I told her how that could very likely be lies, or his distorted perception. I said that him complaining about his girlfriend instead of communicating with her could even be the cause of the problem. She did not like me saying this, and said she would not like to be talked about in this way, so she would not let me talk about him like that. 

I feel like I am betraying her when I write about this, but I really need some feedback or encouragement or something, I needed to vent. How do I wrap my mind around this? I feel like I should tell her everything, but I am sure that will be a mistake. She has lots of problems and issues, mentally and physically, and I don't want to make her worse, but what to I do? I don't want to stand by knowing this and doing nothing, and she is the kind of person who always knows best, so she is not likely to take my advice anyway.

She swears it will never happen again, but won't put in any real boundaries, no cutting contact, no coming clean or making him come clean, she won't even commit to not spending one on one time with him. She has no feelings for him so she doesn't see the need to.

This kind of confirmed what I wrote about earlier, of course I don't think she'd try anything with my husband, but definitely didn't help me with my newly found trust issues. My husband though of it as a bit of an eye opener too, he said he definitely will be aware to keep boundaries in place. But he promised me to not make her feel awkward, and not just because of this but because boundaries are important regardless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her the truth.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Tell her the truth.


But what about the consequences? What about when she throws it back in my face? What about how it will affect our family dynamics? I really do not want to tell her.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Emmi said:


> But what about the consequences? What about when she throws it back in my face? What about how it will affect our family dynamics? I really do not want to tell her.


You know eventually this will all come to light. Especially since you seemed to be headed to a divorce. Imagine how your parents will feel when they find out that you did not confide to them, your troubles.

If your sister throws it back to your face, you can always call her a sl** for sleeping with someone's husband. That should shut her up quickly.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> You know eventually this will all come to light. Especially since you seemed to be headed to a divorce. Imagine how your parents will feel when they find out that you did not confide to them, your troubles.
> 
> If your sister throws it back to your face, you can always call her a sl** for sleeping with someone's husband. That should shut her up quickly.


What makes you think we're headed towards divorce? We are having a child together, and both of us are working really hard on our relationship. Of course it's hard, really hard, but we both know that we want this to work. I expect our recovery will come in waves, it's been really good, and recently it's been bad again. We are only a year in, but have made more progress than many others would in this time...


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

You remind me so very much of me at your age it's actually spooky reading your thread! 

We 'recovered' incredibly fast too. My H's EA went on much longer I think but it was much the same. Forums like this use the phrase "rewriting marital history" & my H did this & rewrote ME to such an extreme that (in hindsight) I realize I was abused. Comparing me to the OW was agony. He even told me to ask HER for help & advise working out so I could get a better body!!

Hahaha! I'm an artist too!! My H had started taking antidepressants for the first time. He's conflict avoidant & can't express his emotions. My biggest excuse for him was, "He was having a mental breakdown!". 

Anyway, many HUGE life changing events happened after d-day & our FAST reconciliation. Deaths in the family. BIRTHs of our children etc. I forgave fast & believe it or not I completely forgave (I had a difficult pregnancy & his affair was forgotten well before our son was born). 


You guys didn't have the 'perfect', best, wonderful, deep marriage ever....WE DID!!!! Hahaha!

Fast forward about 12 years....

Things got stressful. I'm dealing with spinal degeneration, chronic pain. I got very sick & ended-up having emergency, life saving surgery. My H lost his job. I was also dealing with a lot of family worries. All our friends & family are in England & I moved to USA to support my H's career. I never told anyone what he did. My only sibling took his own life & my H was wonderful. My parents are broken. They love my H like a son & they have complete faith in him as a H & father. I couldn't possibly tell them. I think you understand!?!?

Anyway, New Years Day I discovered that my H thought I was a "useless, cripple burden" who was ruining his life!! AND I BELIEVED HIM!
I was in such a low place after surgery that I hated myself for destroying my "perfect marriage". Turns out it took less than 4 months from my surgery, 6 weeks from him starting antidepressants again, for him to restart his affair with HER!! 

12 years & it took 3 messages for him to ask her to create a secret account!! Turns out she'd been sending little "Hi" & "Life Update" messages once or twice a year for ALL THAT TIME! Of course he 'protected' me by not mentioning it. He says he'd never written back before.

"Blindsided", shock, utter devastation, lost, broken, PTSD, depression, suicidal etc etc etc there aren't words to even start to explain how I feel. I cry every single day. I shake. I vomit. 

I don't think I really have much advise for you. I think I'm writing because I believe that YOU will understand how I feel. 

Ugh! I'll try to think & write more later. This has triggered me more than I thought...


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Wow, I can't believe how much we have in common. We've also moved to a different country from where we met, but live near my family and not his. Thank you so much for sharing, I told my husband what you wrote and we talked about it a bit. We both agreed that was why it's so important that he works through his issues so he can be certain to never make the same mistake again. 

I know he would tell me if she ever contact him again, I'm almost hoping she will so he gets the opportunity to send a no contact letter and to prove him self that he will do the right thing. I am sort of waiting for that to happen, so I feel like I won't be able to relax until it does. I just don't want to be caught of guard, but that leaves me constantly on edge. 

I'm so sorry for my story triggering you, but I'm grateful to have someone who can really understand the whole body snatcher alien thing. I don't know how to balance the person he was back then with who he is now. He needs to deal with the consequences of what he did, but at the same time he is so different from that now, and before as well... How do you deal with that difference in personality? I don't want to rug sweep, but it's hard to punish him when he is himself again, but other times it's hard to remember that he was different back then...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emmi said:


> I'm not rug sweeping, we are working through this every day. I shouldn't have to suffer from the judgement of others because of what he did. And if their not judging me for not being a good enough wife they'll judge me for staying.
> 
> I don't want my family to know, because the time before they finally accepted my husband were very hard on me. I hated when they would criticise him to me and make me either have to defend him, or agree with them. And this was for tiny irrelevant stuff like what he would wear or superficial stuff like that. Plus they would constantly doubt his skills as a mechanic. At some point before our wedding they fully accepted him, have realised what a good person he is and come to him for help with their vehicles. I'm not about to ruin that now, they are his family as much as mine, and he needs that. He can't trust his own family, and has never had the stability and support of a good family until he became a part of mine.
> 
> ...


Each person handles betrayal differently and if you are happy progressing the way you are then good luck to you.

However, you keep coming here looking for justifications for his behvaiour, there is NO justification for cheating, pain, neglect, medication, etc. The next time he is numbed and cheats or goes through an existential crisis, will it still be a good enough excuse for you? 
All I am saying is your are setting yourself up for more pain if it is not made very clear to your WH now that what he did can never be repeated and what the consequences are. 
Rug sweeping (that is what it is), you make excuses for him, you wont expose to anyone else etc, all of that has a way of coming back to bite you, 
I know as I did the same thing when my youngest was born and now it is causing many trust problems for me in our reconciliation. I was too tired after giving birth, had no family where I was to turn to, so I let it go, huge mistake as it never goes away unless your WH steps up to the plate and faces consequences. It looks like you are carrying all the burden, what is he doing except showing you a sad face or two?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Emmi said:


> What makes you think we're headed towards divorce? We are having a child together, and both of us are working really hard on our relationship. Of course it's hard, really hard, but we both know that we want this to work. I expect our recovery will come in waves, it's been really good, and recently it's been bad again. We are only a year in, but have made more progress than many others would in this time...


Sorry, I think I got your story confused with another Emmi/Emma. That's really good you guys are working on things. If you are working on a serious R and things are going very well, then, don't tell anyone your business. That way no-one can interfere with your R.

Going back to your sister, she is an adult and makes her own choices. There is not that much you can say to her to get her to come out of her fog at this time. Just be nice and kind when things come to head and she needs your support. 

Good luck with your marriage and the new baby. Many blessings.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

*Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationsh*



brooklynAnn said:


> Sorry, I think I got your story confused with another Emmi/Emma. That's really good you guys are working on things. If you are working on a serious R and things are going very well, then, don't tell anyone your business. That way no-one can interfere with your R.
> 
> Going back to your sister, she is an adult and makes her own choices. There is not that much you can say to her to get her to come out of her fog at this time. Just be nice and kind when things come to head and she needs your support.
> 
> Good luck with your marriage and the new baby. Many blessings.


Oh, haha, yeah that explained it a bit. Thank you for this advice, we are working on a serious R and it is going well, of course there are tough days when I wish I could just give up, but even on the days when I'm having the most doubts I know deep down that we will always be together and that we will work this out. 

I'm glad I only told the very few people I told. Two of my best friends and someone who is a close friend as well as a spiritual leader. The last thing we need is people interfering. It gives me so much joy to see the friendship my dad and husband has developed, and it was so much hard work before my dad accepted him. 

Yeah, I'll try to just be there for her, and not take what she did personally. I found it very difficult not to project my feelings about OW on to her, but you are right, she has to make her own choices, and all I can do is be there for her. I couldn't help but wonder if things would have been different with her situation if she'd known, but if she had seen how devastating this is and still did the same thing it would have hurt so much more, and I would definitely have taken it personally. I hope I didn't burn any bridges and that she will still come to me in the future, I didn't really hide how I felt about it. But of course she is my sister and I love her. 

Thank you for your good wishes and your good advice


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

aine said:


> Each person handles betrayal differently and if you are happy progressing the way you are then good luck to you.
> 
> However, you keep coming here looking for justifications for his behvaiour, there is NO justification for cheating, pain, neglect, medication, etc. The next time he is numbed and cheats or goes through an existential crisis, will it still be a good enough excuse for you?
> All I am saying is your are setting yourself up for more pain if it is not made very clear to your WH now that what he did can never be repeated and what the consequences are.
> ...


I don't think there is any way to be happy about having to work through issues of betrayal, but as R goes I think we are doing pretty good.

There can't be a next time, he has to take this one opportunity to work on himself and fix the parts of him that made it ok for him to cheat. He needs to work out what mechanism is working inside him that makes him seek out other women to bond with and what made him blame me when times got tough.

He is doing all he can to work on himself, plus he's doing extra to make it up to me, he's working hard to meet my emotional needs. It is really hard for him to work on all those things at the same time as trying to work on his health, it makes it take longer then I would like. The pain affects his concentration and attention span which makes it hard for us both, because conversation is probably my primary love language. Despite his problems he really does try.

He knows what the consequences would be if this ever happened again, I can't lie, so trying to scare him by filing for divorce or doing other things to show consequences like that wouldn't work. The only consequence I can really give him is that he has to see my pain every day and know that he is the one that caused it. 

How do you wish you had proceeded after giving birth? For both ourselves and our child's sake I want to make sure we restore our relationship fully and thoroughly. I don't want to just let go, but I don't want to carry the pain with me forever either.

I feel like I am carrying the burden too, and I guess what he is doing is carrying me...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emmi said:


> I don't think there is any way to be happy about having to work through issues of betrayal, but as R goes I think we are doing pretty good.
> 
> There can't be a next time, he has to take this one opportunity to work on himself and fix the parts of him that made it ok for him to cheat. He needs to work out what mechanism is working inside him that makes him seek out other women to bond with and what made him blame me when times got tough.
> 
> ...


At that time I was in a blind panic, in a foreign country without family and a toddler and a new born, little support and knew I could not cope alone. I also did not have the wisdom of TAM info to let me think things through carefully. So I begged, pleaded, etc although I was the one who had been wronged! It hurts now even to write about it and I am still married to this man.

He was drinking then too. Now that he is trying to get help, the kids have moved on and I look back I wonder did I do the right thing in staying with him.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

aine said:


> At that time I was in a blind panic, in a foreign country without family and a toddler and a new born, little support and knew I could not cope alone. I also did not have the wisdom of TAM info to let me think things through carefully. So I begged, pleaded, etc although I was the one who had been wronged! It hurts now even to write about it and I am still married to this man.
> 
> He was drinking then too. Now that he is trying to get help, the kids have moved on and I look back I wonder did I do the right thing in staying with him.


I am so sorry you had to go through that, and that you now have to second guess your decision to stay with him. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, so I can make sure I don't have to wonder about my decision years down the line. I have been very focused on making sure I know I did all I could and didn't give up on my marriage, I didn't want any regrets. I see how important it is to make sure that my decision to stay is the right one too.

I'm pretty sure it is, as long as he does his part. He makes me happy, and we have so much fun together. We agree on all the big things, how to raise our children, how to live our lives, what to prioritise and what is most important in life. He doesn't share my faith, but we still have the same values and would like our children to be raised with my beliefs. Marriage is a very big deal to me, and I think I can take pride in sticking with it through the toughest times. I know I am being strong and doing right by my vows and my God, I also know that what he did is the only two things that according to the bible would allow me to leave. My friends who I confided in told me that it also says in the bible that we can leave because it might be to hard to deal with, but it doesn't say we should or that we have to. Choosing to stay makes us stronger. 

As long as he keeps working on himself I am sure I'm making the right decision, and I won't ever allow anything like this to happen again. If he does something like this in the future I will know we have done everything we could to prevent it and I will be free to leave with a clean conscience, knowing I did everything I could to honour my beliefs and my vows. Obviously if I thought he would do it again I would leave now, but I believe that he already has learned from this and that he will keep discovering more and more about himself as we continue this process. 

Thank you again for sharing your experience, and I really wish you the best, whether it is to stay in your marriage or not.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Update time...

Ive got my first individual counselling session today, first one since this happened anyway with a new counsellor who I've never met before, I was referred by our marriage counsellor. I'm dreading it a bit, I'm not looking forward to disclose all the painful things all over and to someone new, and I'm nervous to see if I even get along with her. 

Things have been good at home and with my husband lately, he is really supportive through my pregnancy, I think he spoils me really, and kind of enables my laziness. But it's nice to be taken care of, I'm pretty sure doing things for me is his love language, mine is conversation, and even though it's challenging for him he really makes an effort and that means a lot to me. 

During the last week we've been moving furniture around and made the house look a lot nicer, which has made me feel a lot happier. The other night I got a bit triggered, but at the same time I felt good about how far we had got with the house work. It was confusing, like I didn't know which feeling to go with, and I feel like I'm on a deadline for working out the bad stuff. I don't want this to still be an issue when the baby gets here, but of course I know it will never go completely away, I just want us to have worked through most of it by then, and I want to see the change in my husband that he is working so hard for. 

It is important for both of us that he raises him emotional competence, we both want to be able to help our kid learn about emotions, and my husband doesn't want to influence our children the same was his parents influenced him in his childhood. 

Overall things are going well with me, he has had extreme back pain recently, that is very hard to watch, I just wish there was something I could do. But we're spending a lot of time together, and trying to focus on the good stuff. 

In the hospital stay we had a couple months back the psychologist that was part of my husbands team told us that we needed to work on spending more time apart, he said it was good that we were so close knit, but we needed more separateness. That doesn't feel right to me at this point, I don't feel ready for that now. It's when we're apart I get most triggered, and those linger for a while after we are both back home again too. During the summer we did try this with visiting people separately and it just didn't work for me. I don't feel ready for that now. I'm guessing that has to do with being pregnant and feeling vulnerable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not sure I am keen on the learn to be separate thing.

What was the psychologist's thinking on this? 

Check it out with your counsellor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Not sure I am keen on the learn to be separate thing.
> 
> What was the psychologist's thinking on this?
> 
> ...


I will try to remember to bring it up in counselling.

I think the psychologist was basing it on the general advice that it is healthy to be individual and not to dependent on each other. I think he is a very good psychologist, but he doesn't treat us, he is only a part of this hospital so his advice is very direct and we've only seen him three times. His job is mainly to give advice on how to work on things after the stay, he recommended that I got counselling, and that my husband upped his frequency and that we also upped the frequency with the MC. Also he focused on my husbands sleep problems.

I don't know if it's the same every where, but my impression is that where we live it is common to have a great level of separateness in a relationship. For example most couples I know have a certain degree of separate economy, but we have totally shared. Most couples spend time apart when at work, but I work from home and he is on benefits. We have to make an active choice every time we're not going to be together. But the thing is that we like it this way. If my husband manages to get his business up and running and would have to get a venue outside of the home than we would go there together, we've been talking a lot about sharing a business venue when we get that far. 

It's been like this since we first met, we've just not really wanted to spend any time apart... Of course we are able to be apart, but we just don't like to. When I need alone time I tell him and he takes a bike trip, and when he needs alone time he goes out in the garage to work on his bikes or takes a ride. I have been trying to encourage him to get more hobbies outside of the house, but more so that he will have more of a social life really.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> In the hospital stay we had a couple months back the psychologist that was part of my husbands team told us that we needed to work on spending more time apart, he said it was good that we were so close knit, but we needed more separateness. That doesn't feel right to me at this point, I don't feel ready for that now. It's when we're apart I get most triggered


That is absolutely WHY his therapist is right and you both need to learn to be ok on.your.own. You should NEVER depend on your partner for your own well being. You should ALWAYS be able to soothe yourself, BY yourself. Your partner is just the added bonus to your life.

And both of you most definitely need to be getting SOME of your needs met by outside people - family, friends, organizations. If you become too dependent on each other to supply ALL your happiness, you lose the ability to view your relationship objectively; i.e., you feel your life will end if your partner doesn't continue to support you.

Do you see that?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

This was really nice to read Emmi. Happy for you,your baby and even your Husband (I still dont like him). 

If you want to have some time apart you could find some hobby or you could spend more time with your painting and Art. Join some Art classes. This way you can find new friends,drink some coffe with them,chat about this and that and see other couples and how do they act around each other or when they are apart. 

Your Husband or Wife should be in your first place,but like Turnera said never depend on them to much. When they realize this they take you for granted.

Now about finances. I am not married but we share our pay checks. If she wants to spend some money on big things she calls me and asks is it right or do we need this. Same goes for me. I think this is healty for our Relationship. 

Best wishes to you Emmi.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Thanks for the replies turnera and be smart. I feel like elaborating a bit on the whole separateness thing. I definitely don't want to depend too much on my husband, and the 6 months before he cheated, while he was withdrawing from me, I had to learn to be responsible for my own happiness, which I did. The thing is that the last few month I have been feeling very vulnerable, and I am trying to not let myself get into a depression. I've been about to fight off a depression before without letting it take a hold of me, but that was before my husband cheated on me, it's so much harder now when I actually have a legitimate reason to be sad. I am guessing my extra vulnerability now might have something to do with my pregnancy, everything feels stronger. My slight nervousness of phone calls and social gatherings sometimes turns into proper angst, and the triggers are more powerful than they ever were before I got pregnant. And spending (overnight)time apart is the biggest trigger there is. 

It just doesn't feel right to expose myself to that at this point. I was fine with a weekend apart a few months ago, but now I'm not. And we've tried several times the last two months, with me visiting family and friends, and it just doesn't get better. But it's been bearable since I've been around people and been able to distract myself, even though I've been so worn out after its taken me days to recover. 

Now my husband has been invited to join my dad and some of his friend on a bike trip for the weekend, and I just can't bear the thought of staying at home while he goes on a bike trip. When I try to picture it all I can think of is how it was just over a year ago. And I feel like it's just the same dilemma as last year, do I hold back how I really feel and encourage him to go, or do I tell him what I really want. He really wants to go, but won't because of me, and so I'm stuck with feeling guilty. 

I just don't see the point in adding to my triggers and vulnerability at this point. Also I feel like I actually couldn't go through with it without emotionally distancing myself from my husband. And I don't want to do that when our reconciliation is going well and we both know that we want to be together for the rest of our lives, it was unhealthy for my husband to distance himself, and I'm pretty sure it would be unhealthy for me too. I'm looking forward to our next marriage counselling, it will be good to discuss this with her. 

My first IC appointment went well, we got along well with each other didn't really have a chance to talk about anything specific since it was more about giving her the full image and her getting to know me a little. I think the issue of separateness is more appropriate in MC anyway since it really is about both of us....


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Hi Emmi,

I just finished reading your thread and just wanted to let you know that I can really empathize with you on many points. We have a lot in common. My d-day was just over 2 weeks ago so this is all very fresh, but it is good to read your story and see that you are still working toward R together. I wish you both and your precious baby all the best! 

My H also has significant health issues (terminal cancer) so I can relate to that. I'm also familiar with Ehler's Danlos... my 3 boys have significant health issues also and one of them will be having genetic testing for EDS soon so I've been reading up on what that might mean for him. My H and I also spend a alot of time together as I work from home and he is on disability. I can really relate to so many of the feelings you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story... you are not alone (((hugs)))


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

heartbroken50 said:


> Hi Emmi,
> 
> I just finished reading your thread and just wanted to let you know that I can really empathize with you on many points. We have a lot in common. My d-day was just over 2 weeks ago so this is all very fresh, but it is good to read your story and see that you are still working toward R together. I wish you both and your precious baby all the best!
> 
> My H also has significant health issues (terminal cancer) so I can relate to that. I'm also familiar with Ehler's Danlos... my 3 boys have significant health issues also and one of them will be having genetic testing for EDS soon so I've been reading up on what that might mean for him. My H and I also spend a alot of time together as I work from home and he is on disability. I can really relate to so many of the feelings you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story... you are not alone (((hugs)))


Hi heartbroken50, 

I'm still reading your thread, I've got it open on another tab right now actually. Had to take a break after one that had me all tearing up. I really hope your sons get the help they need and that they find out everything they can to help them. A diagnosis can be so helpful in so many ways, but at the same time EDS really sucks and I hope they have something more manageable. It is so hard to watch the people we love in pain. 

At some point ages ago we watched a film called One Week, which is about a man who gets diagnosed with cancer, and then takes of on a bike trip and cheats on his wife in the process. When my husband came home and told me what he'd done I thought about that film, and felt we could relate to the film in quite a few ways, I'm wondering if I should watch it again, but it will probably we quite trigggery. When we first started marriage counselling our psychologist said it sounded like my husband was going through an existential crisis, and that it's quite common when people have to deal with bad health like for instance cancer. 

I hope and pray that your husband gets better and really beats the odds, you deserve that he makes this up to you. And you deserve to have your happy memories of your life together restored. I'm going to keep reading your thread now.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Just a little update, things are actually going really well, especially today I'm feeling so in love with my husband. I was ill last night and woke up in the middle of the night and just had so much pain, I was sweating, then freezing, must have been something we ate. So I woke him up and told him I was scared, he just held me and calmed me down so I could sleep again. Then this morning he made me breakfast and found all my vitamins and I just realised how lucky I was and how happy he makes me. 

Last Friday was a bit rough because my dad had invited my husband for a motorcycle trip, initially the plan was that either we both went, or we both stayed at home. I decided it was too risky with being pregnant and traveling that far on a bike, but my husband still really wanted to go. I had to be honest, unlike how I hid my feelings last year, and told him if he went that would be emotionally really bad for me, and that in order to protect myself I would have do distance my self from him emotionally if he chose to go. He stayed, and I just felt so bad and guilty for standing in the way of something that would give him joy. He has assured me multiple times that he made the right decision staying, and he's glad I told him how I really felt.

In MC yesterday we talked about the separateness and what the shrink at the hospital had said. She assured us that it was our decision how we want to live, and how much separateness or overlap we want in our lives. She encouraged us to think and talk about that until next time. It seams me and my husband are on the same page, and that doing most things together is how we like it, and how we want to continue living our lives.

So even though last weekend was a major trigger, I feel like things are going really well right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wasn't telling you that you had to not spend most of your time together. I was saying that you need to learn to be ok IF you don't spend all your time together. You need to know you will be ok alone or at least have some sort of life outside of him, so that all your decisions are not fear-based: fear of him leaving you for whatever reason. If all your decisions are based on if he will be mad, if he will leave, etc. how healthy do you think that is?


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Emmi said:


> So I woke him up and told him I was scared, he just held me and calmed me down so I could sleep again. Then this morning he made me breakfast and found all my vitamins and I just realised how lucky I was and how happy he makes me.
> 
> Last Friday was a bit rough because my dad had invited my husband for a motorcycle trip, initially the plan was that either we both went, or we both stayed at home. I decided it was too risky with being pregnant and traveling that far on a
> bike, but my husband still really wanted to go. I had to be honest, unlike how I hid my feelings last year, and told him if he went that would be emotionally really bad for me, and that in order to protect myself I would have do distance my self from him emotionally if he chose to go. He stayed, and I just felt so bad and guilty for standing in the way of something that would give him joy. He has assured me multiple times that he made the right decision staying, and he's glad I told him how I really felt.


I hope to reach this place with my H.

The first part stands out to me as more of what I need to work on. When I awake in the middle of the night and am struggling, I need to reach out to him, so he has the opportunity to give to me.

And the second part...I would feel the exact same way. But I'm not sure if my H would choose the same path. 

I'm so happy things are going well and you survived the latest bump in the road by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest with him. I hope to improve on that myself. Your post makes me hopeful.

Thanks for the update


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> I wasn't telling you that you had to not spend most of your time together. I was saying that you need to learn to be ok IF you don't spend all your time together. You need to know you will be ok alone or at least have some sort of life outside of him, so that all your decisions are not fear-based: fear of him leaving you for whatever reason. If all your decisions are based on if he will be mad, if he will leave, etc. how healthy do you think that is?


I think I understand what you mean. And I do want to get to that point, but if that doesn't happen right away I'm okay with that. I really feel like I need to heal more before I'm ready to work on being okay with more time apart. And I think there are ways I can work on that that would make it less challenging at first. For instance, next time an opportunity for him to go away comes up we should plan it well in advance, so I'm prepared and know exactly what is going to happen. I also think it would be beneficial if I could invite some of my friends to stay over, so that when he is away the first few times I'm not just left alone with nothing but my thoughts. I think it's natural for me to want him around now that I'm pregnant as well. But I definitely want to get back to how it was before he cheated, when we preferred to do most things together, but were both totally fine with a weekend apart every once in a while...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you looked into what exactly you are thinking when you can't let him leave your side?


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

heartbroken50 said:


> I hope to reach this place with my H.
> 
> The first part stands out to me as more of what I need to work on. When I awake in the middle of the night and am struggling, I need to reach out to him, so he has the opportunity to give to me.
> 
> ...


I'm sure you will get there too. I remember you struggling with the lost opportunities for your husband, so by being vulnerable with him you will provide him with more opportunities, and by being honest about how you feel he will get to know you better and get better at meeting your needs. It has always been very natural to me to be vulnerable with him, apparently last weekend I had woken him up four times in one night because of bad dreams, I only remembered the last one that was in the morning, and had no idea I'd woke him up in the night until he told me later in the day. When we first met he was very interested in me from the very beginning, so I was almost trying to scare him off with being completely honest about who I am and showed all my less flattering sides right away. I figured if he was going to find something about me he didn't like it rather he do it before I got emotionally attached, tuned out he like all of me, so we quickly became a couple. I think this unusual approach made a strong foundation in our relationship where honestly and vulnerability always were one of the main factors...

About the second part it's all about being really honest, and making sure that he really understand what you mean. Don't under exaggerate and don't leave things to be read between the lines. And sometimes, even though it's tedious you might have to really repeat yourself. It's been like that for us, but every time he learns more, so he can do better next time. I do hope that given all the information your husband would be able to make the right choice. The problem for me is when these things pop up when we are not alone. I hate having to be subtle around other people in the way I communicate with my husband, and that usually ends with him not getting it and ending up hurting me. But then we always talk about it after, and I don't drop the issue until he really understand how he hurt me and what made it wrong. I don't think it's good enough if he apologises for hurting me if he doesn't understand why or how it hurt me. 

Thank you for saying it made you hopeful, I'm glad


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Emmi said:


> I'm sure you will get there too. I remember you struggling with the lost opportunities for your husband, so by being vulnerable with him you will provide him with more opportunities, and by being honest about how you feel he will get to know you better and get better at meeting your needs. It has always been very natural to me to be vulnerable with him, apparently last weekend I had woken him up four times in one night because of bad dreams, I only remembered the last one that was in the morning, and had no idea I'd woke him up in the night until he told me later in the day. When we first met he was very interested in me from the very beginning, so I was almost trying to scare him off with being completely honest about who I am and showed all my less flattering sides right away. I figured if he was going to find something about me he didn't like it rather he do it before I got emotionally attached, tuned out he like all of me, so we quickly became a couple. I think this unusual approach made a strong foundation in our relationship where honestly and vulnerability always were one of the main factors...
> 
> About the second part it's all about being really honest, and making sure that he really understand what you mean. Don't under exaggerate and don't leave things to be read between the lines. And sometimes, even though it's tedious you might have to really repeat yourself. It's been like that for us, but every time he learns more, so he can do better next time. I do hope that given all the information your husband would be able to make the right choice. The problem for me is when these things pop up when we are not alone. I hate having to be subtle around other people in the way I communicate with my husband, and that usually ends with him not getting it and ending up hurting me. But then we always talk about it after, and I don't drop the issue until he really understand how he hurt me and what made it wrong. I don't think it's good enough if he apologises for hurting me if he doesn't understand why or how it hurt me.
> 
> Thank you for saying it made you hopeful, I'm glad


Yes, I'm not generally subtle.... I think that's a big part of our trouble this past week with H's mom... I didn't want to call him out in front of her.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you looked into what exactly you are thinking when you can't let him leave your side?


Um, I'd have to think back. Last weekend it was just too similar to last year and too big of a trigger. Other than that I usually try to visualise the time ahead, and evaluate whether I will be ok. A few weeks ago he went on a day trip to meet up with some people and was gone all day. I weren't thrilled about it, but decided I would be fine since it was only one day and he'd be back before bedtime. If I feel ill and have little energy it's worse if he goes, because I can't spend the time doing something for me. But when I am well and have plans for myself I'm ok with more time apart. This last year our time apart has mainly been me going away and him staying at home, but before that he used to take more trips than me, and never really was left alone in the house. I'm sure it will get more balanced later, but it does take some building up to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're feeling ill, why can't you satisfy yourself with a jigsaw puzzle or some crossword puzzles or a show marathon? Why is it his responsibility to provide you contentment just because you're not filling your time with other stuff?

That's what I've been talking about - being ok BY YOURSELF. The way you describe it, if you're not with him you 'soothe' yourself by filling up your moments with outside influences so you don't have to just BE. Ask your therapist about it.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> If you're feeling ill, why can't you satisfy yourself with a jigsaw puzzle or some crossword puzzles or a show marathon? Why is it his responsibility to provide you contentment just because you're not filling your time with other stuff?
> 
> That's what I've been talking about - being ok BY YOURSELF. The way you describe it, if you're not with him you 'soothe' yourself by filling up your moments with outside influences so you don't have to just BE. Ask your therapist about it.


I do those things, but it just feels like such a waste of time. It's not like I'm to ill to do anything, it's just the low energy mixed with the triggers and disturbing thought stops me from spending my time in a productive way. Which is risky with regard to depression and such. On those days it's better if he is doing his thing in the garage so I can be productive inside at the same time, then it motivates me and give me energy instead. We have already spent a lot of time apart this summer, and I've been fine with it. But it got to a point where I felt like I needed more time at home, and I don't feel ready for being at home over night while he is away. But with the right planning I think I could be there already, it's just that things would have to be right.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> I do those things, but it just feels like such a waste of time. It's not like I'm to ill to do anything, it's just the low energy mixed with the triggers and disturbing thought stops me from spending my time in a productive way. Which is risky with regard to depression and such.
> But it got to a point where I felt like I needed more time at home, and I don't feel ready for being at home over night while he is away. But with the right planning I think I could be there already, it's just that things would have to be right.


Ummm, so now if you don't stay 'productive,' you will become depressed?

Again, not healthy.

Waste of time? Who says (who told you in childhood) that you have to make productive use of your time? Are you not allowed to just sit on your couch and read a book?

Why do things have to be "right?" What happens if they aren't?


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Ummm, so now if you don't stay 'productive,' you will become depressed?
> 
> Again, not healthy.
> 
> ...


Of course it's not healthy, they call it a mental health issue for a reason. I don't know if you have any experience with reoccurring depressions, but I have been having them off and on for almost ten years now. Before my husband cheated I got to a point where I was pretty much able to control them by taking precautions, using acceptance and just slowing down for a few days. I was actually able to prevent the depression of taking hold. When I did this it didn't make me feel sad or numb like a depression usually would, but I just viewed it as something totally physical, accepted that my body and mind needed a couple days of rest. After those days I could get back to doing the things that give me energy and makes my life feel meaningful. On those days of rest I made sure to rest in a way that made me feel good, not just numbing my brain with tv shows or brain puzzles... Those things for me if a depression is coming on would be no better than using drugs or alcohol to escape. It would just be adding to the feeling of hopelessness and meaninglessness. 

The best way to prevent a depression for me is to make sure I feel good about my life, make sure I feel like my life is meaningful. Hence the being productive, I do enjoy relaxing and spending time with my thoughts. But there is a difference between good relaxing and bad relaxing. Good relaxing gives energy and makes me feel good, bad relaxing numbs my brain and only makes time go past without giving me anything. 

If I am in a bad place, triggered and struggling and can feel a depression coming on, it will be very hard for me to resist the bad relaxing that only allows me to not think about anything. I won't have enough focus to read a book or any of the relaxing activities that makes me feel better, nor will I have focus to do my work or anything else that give my life meaning. 

I am quite proud that I have learned to control my mental health in this way, and feel strongly that going against what actually works would be foolish. I don't hold my husband accountable for my mental health, but in this particular case he was the one who cheated while on a bike trip, and turned bike trips like that one in to a trigger, he got an opportunity to do things differently this time around and he took it. Had he chosen to go still I would have been ok, but I would have had to emotionally withdraw from him because the trigger was simply to strong. Neither of us wanted that to happen, since that would be bad for our relationship. If he cheated in a different way maybe this trip wouldn't have been a trigger at all. 

What I mean by things having to be right is that we would have to make it so that the experience would contribute to healing from what happened last year, not making things worse. Like I said about planning in advance so I'm prepared and know what is going to happen, making plans for myself so that I won't spend an entire weekend on the sofa playing games on my iPad and watching shotty tv shows. This is not the normal way for us, this is a result from what happened last year, and it is important for us both to make the healing and rebuilding a priority. It's not worth it to rush the process and risk making things worse when we know what will actually work. My husband has had many day trips away while I've been home since this happened, I've had several weekends away without him. But sitting at home for two weeks while he was away cheating on me was incredibly traumatic, I know I will be able to be home alone again soon, but why not make it a part of the healing process, instead of making me relive the trauma of last year?

There is nothing wrong with relaxing, and I don't have to be productive all the time, but I am supposed to be working from home, and when I am with my husband we tend to do things together, like watch a movie or chill out listening to music, maybe sort things out around the house, preparing for the baby to come, sit and read... So when he is out doing his own thing I would really like the opportunity to get some work done, I can't just work a bit now and a bit then, I need several hours without interruption (by interruption I mean having to put the work down to do something else, not just someone coming in and talking to me) for the work to be of any significance. Usually I do my work in my studio (which is also our living room) while he is working in the garage, and the days when he is away on a trip or something is great opportunities for me to get a lot of work done. I hate wasting those opportunities on the sofa in front of the tv.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you go to a movie by yourself?

btw, I've been in depression for more than 20 years. Very aware of its effects.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Can you go to a movie by yourself?
> 
> btw, I've been in depression for more than 20 years. Very aware of its effects.


Of course, but I'd enjoy it more if I went with a friend, or perhaps my sister. I probably wouldn't be able to justify spending that much money to watch a film by my self, and would rather watch it at home if it wasn't to share the experience with someone else. 

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling with depression, that really sucks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi said:


> Of course, but I'd enjoy it more if I went with a friend, or perhaps my sister. I probably wouldn't be able to justify spending that much money to watch a film by my self, and would rather watch it at home if it wasn't to share the experience with someone else.
> 
> Sorry to hear that you have been struggling with depression, that really sucks.


Emmi, you can't justify spending that money on yourself.

But! As your distant friend over here in Merry Olde England, *I* can justify you spending that money on yourself! Me! I can do this! :smthumbup:

How can I do this? Because you deserve it, and the price of a cinema ticket is little enough recompense for the s**t that you have been through.

But you must remember to get popcorn, drinks and stuff too, OK?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emmi said:


> I probably wouldn't be able to justify spending that much money to watch a film by my self


Why not? Think carefully about your answer.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Emmi, you can't justify spending that money on yourself.
> 
> But! As your distant friend over here in Merry Olde England, *I* can justify you spending that money on yourself! Me! I can do this! :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


You totally made me want to go do it now! And you made me laugh as well, thanks! Seems like H will have to camp next weekend because of ferry times, he was initially going for just a day trip, but since the ferry times and the event he is going for doesn't match up it seems I will have my first night at home alone since his surgery only about a month after dday... So perfect opportunity to go to the cinema by my self. But isn't it weird to go alone? I've never seen anyone do that, ever... I do like the thought of popcorn and chocolate all to myself though!



turnera said:


> Why not? Think carefully about your answer.


I wrote why, I didn't think I would like it as much without sharing the experience, however, Matt might have changed my mind ;p


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emmi said:


> You totally made me want to go do it now! And you made me laugh as well, thanks! Seems like H will have to camp next weekend because of ferry times, he was initially going for just a day trip, but since the ferry times and the event he is going for doesn't match up it seems I will have my first night at home alone since his surgery only about a month after dday... So perfect opportunity to go to the cinema by my self. But isn't it weird to go alone? I've never seen anyone do that, ever... I do like the thought of popcorn and chocolate all to myself though!
> 
> 
> 
> I wrote why, I didn't think I would like it as much without sharing the experience, however, Matt might have changed my mind ;p


I rarely go to the cinema, but when I do go, I go alone as the cinema always gives my wife a bad migraine.

First film I saw in 20 years or so was The Martian in 3D. And they served beer so I was well happy! :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point I'm trying to get to is your feeling that you shouldn't - or shouldn't want to - spend the money on yourself, if someone else isn't benefiting from it.

Have you read The Dance Of Anger? It might be beneficial.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am exactly the same. Love spending money on my wife, hate spending it on me. 

And my wife is also pretty much the same, she doesn't like spending money on her, but likes spending it on me.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

We've talked about it a bit lately. My husband spent a lot of money on his ego trip last year, and recently we've been discussing ways for him to make that up to me. For instance he bought me the best pregnancy/nursing pillow out there, by far for expensive than the other ones. I just wish he would have jumped on the opportunity to do something for me, and not been so reluctant. He is glad he bought it now, as he can see how good it is, and that is was worth it, but I wish I didn't have to talk him in to it.

Another thing I suggested was that he could give me a stay at a spa hotel, my initial plan was to invite a friend or my mum to join me. But since we've now decided to visit his family in about a month we will stay at a spa hotel there instead. My husband has a full schedule during the day when we're there. He is going to get his car license and has booked one of those intensive week long courses with the test included. So that will give me lots of time to my self. I'm really looking forward to it, gonna book massages and everything. 

I'm so glad I didn't have to fight for the hotel, I just told my husband that there was no way I could be a guest in various of his family members houses for a full week, that wears me out when I'm not pregnant, and I don't even want to think about how it would affect me now. Luckily he got that, I was actually quite happy to just go somewhere cheap, or maybe Airbnb, and it was actually he who pushed for the nice spa hotel. He has no interest in spa stuff, so at least I think it was mainly to make it nicer for me.

I'm glad my husband is more reasonable with money now though, even though he is our sole breadwinner, I've always been the one managing our economy, and finally he is more interested in saving money and making wise decisions financially. It makes me feel like less of the pressure is on me, and that he actually cares about our future. 

Our income is probably less than half of our peers, since there is two of us and my husband is only on benefits, which is not much, so it's always been important to us to be good with money... But I feel like I can relax a bit more with it now, and I do think it's important that I feel like I can get some retribution for him spending most of our savings last year on a trip not just for himself but where he ended up hurting me so deeply as well... At least he never spent any money on that girl, that would have sucked so hard...


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

So the weekend is here and my husband will leave for his camping trip in a few hours. I think I'll be fine, but it still sucks a bit... We're spending the morning making up some good food so I won't forget to eat while he's away. Plus he's been searching the house for spiders, they have a way of coming out when he's out and I'm home alone...

I can't quite work out my feelings today, been a bit like that for a few days, my mind is spinning and I can't make much sense of it, I've been totally addicted to an iPad game the last few days... 

I don't even know why I'm writing this now, though maybe it would help me work out how I'm feeling, but it's not working... 

Maybe it's better if I can't tell how I'm feeling, at least I'm keeping it together and not all emotional...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a journal? Start writing out just vague feelings. Scared...lonely...whatever.

How come your H never came back to post?


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Does he check in with you by phone or text while he's away? I hope the day got easier for you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Do you have a journal? Start writing out just vague feelings. Scared...lonely...whatever.
> 
> How come your H never came back to post?


Thanks I'll try that, I always forget about journaling, but it does seem to help sort out my emotions.

He's been trying to catch up on his thread, but is struggling a lot with his concentration, he read most of the replies yesterday, but had to stop just before the last paragraph of the newest post. I'm sure he will come back and reply soon, but at least not until tomorrow since he'll be home late tonight.

We've had a busier schedule than we're used to, we've gottman to increase the frequency of our MC, then there's all of the doctors appointments, which between us comes up to quite a lot now. He wants to come to everything pregnancy related, which I'm glad. He also recently started some physio therapy and picked up a new hobby. The only thing he hasn't got to increase is how often he sees his IC, once a month is way too little. But last time he went there they talked about how he wants to make me more of a priority in his mind, and not spend as much time thinking about motorbikes, his psychologist was not as discouraging this last time, so hopefully they can start making some more progress. I have told my husband that every time he is on Facebook or reading blogs about motorcycles I think to my self, this is time he could have spent on tam, or researching how to work on our relationship. I think also he didn't want to ask advise about going away this weekend because he was worried he'd get told not to go.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

heartbroken50 said:


> Does he check in with you by phone or text while he's away? I hope the day got easier for you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He does, and I'm so glad, because that really helps. Last time when he went on just a day trip he forgot to text or ring when he got to his destination, and I got really worried, and of course it really amplified the triggerness of the whole thing. But I like how we text during the day when he's away, it's kinda romantic to see how often he thinks of me. And I love our little jokes, he's the only one I am confident enough with to let out my funny side, it's weird, when I'm with him I feel like I could be a stand up comedian, I make him laugh so many times during a day, but with anyone else I'm just expected to be kind of serious and proper, so if I do make a joke people's just seem to look at me funny. When I was in school I used to whisper funny comments to the girl sitting next to me, then she would repeat them out loud, and of course everyone would laugh. My best friends knows I'm funny too, but they only get to see glimpses of it, nothing like with my husband where we just laugh all the time.

I was right about the spiders though, I was sitting on the sofa just watching a film when the biggest and fastest moving spider I've ever seen in our house came running across the floor and stopped just under the coffee table. I jumped up and was sitting on the back of the sofa, legs shaking and looking desperately around for anything too smash it with if it came any nearer. There was nothing, not even a newspaper, damn my newfound tidiness... Luckily my grandmother was just outside helping me with some gardening, so I rang her and she was inside within seconds. Then the dogs startled it and it started it so it was just running around between their legs before it hid under a piece of furniture. My nan managed to get it to come out using an empty chocolate wrapper. And luckily she was still wearing her gardening gloves. She only just caught up to it once it started running again, and had to whack it three times before it died. I was all shaky at least for an other hour after that, so we went to my parents and had supper with them. And my nan offered to sleep on my sofa in case there'd be more spiders around. Of course I offered her the guest bed, but she preferred the sofa. My arachnophobia got a lot worse during pregnancy by the way. I hope it gets better once the baby is out...

My husband did download some films for me to watch before he left, plus he made me the best pizza ever, (white, three cheese pizza with garlic mushrooms, wow it was good) so if it wasn't for the scary bit it would have been really nice. Looking forward to finish the movie and the pizza later today...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Emmi, if money is a real big deal, there are creative projects you can do to donate and are tax deductible. Just Google for them. Project Linus is one. Crochet/knitting can be cheap to do, you can learn on YouTube if you're a newbie, you can probably join a knitting/crochet group at your nearby senior center. (Not saying you're old - I'm 35 and I go a few times a month). it's good yoga for the hands, it's colorful, makes you focus, and every Walmart I've been to sells Red Heart for no more than $2 a skein.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Satya said:


> Emmi, if money is a real big deal, there are creative projects you can do to donate and are tax deductible. Just Google for them. Project Linus is one. Crochet/knitting can be cheap to do, you can learn on YouTube if you're a newbie, you can probably join a knitting/crochet group at your nearby senior center. (Not saying you're old - I'm 35 and I go a few times a month). it's good yoga for the hands, it's colorful, makes you focus, and every Walmart I've been to sells Red Heart for no more than $2 a skein.


I don't really like knitting, at all. I keep trying but can never stick to it. I find it to time consuming and not varying enough. I prefer to work on my art. But thanks for the advice anyway, who knows maybe one day I'll be able to finish a piece. And maybe I'll get to use my sewing machine. I have a small pile of clothes that need mending...

I would really like to use my art for charity at some point. So far I haven't made enough money for it to be classed as a taxable income, this whole infidelity thing really screwed up my timeline, and in a more happy way, so did my pregnancy.

Money is a big deal, but we make do, because we try to be conscious about how we spend them, of course we have some guilty pleasures, especially when it comes to edible stuff, but we never buy things or clothes we don't need, plus we're vegetarians so we save a lot of money there. I don't really feel like we struggle with money, but it's a very fine balance, and it would take very little for anything to tip the scale. Hopefully my husbands benefits will go up within a year, he's waiting for the application process to get started. Also if things get bad I'm probably entitled to some financial support, I would just like to wait with that until it's really necessary.

We chose to live this way, since we both want me to make it as an artist. Being careful with money is just a part of that... Once his income go back up again it will be a lot easier


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