# Lost



## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

I lost right now. My story. It about a year ago I was suffering from depression. I withdrew from my family and wife. She felt she was raising our kids by herself and she was right. I was depressed and didn't know how to communicate that with her. This made her give-up on me (so she said). DDay was in July. She had been acting funny for about a month, so I started getting a feeling that something was up. She didn't come home until 1:30 one night. When she came home I had notice she got a text. The next morning she would not look at me, so I knew something was wrong. She left to run errands so I went back and looked at the phone records and I notice there was thousand of text from this number. I called that number and found out it was guy she has worked with in the past. I asked her if she had affair and she said yes. I asked to have NC with the OM. I was destroyed and she said it was because I was not there the previous year. I asked why did you say you were unhappy. Well I found out that she contacted him in September and week ago. I asked why and she said it was a weak moment. She said she wants our marriage to work but she said she loves me but not in love and she still has feelings for the OM but it's not love. WHAT DO I DO NOW!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

They've probably been in contact all along. Tell her you're going to see a lawyer about your rights and you plan to DNA all your kids, since you can't be sure she hasn't been adulterating your offspring all along. These statements send a message. Meet with the attorney ASAP. You can decide whether or not to file at your leisure.

Did you get treated for depression or did you get out of it on your own?

Who makes more, you or your wife?

How old are you two, your kids, how long together?

Have you already had enough, or do you want to bring her back into the marriage?


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

I have a 6 and a 2 year old. We both make about the same amount of money. She hadn't work with the man until about 3 years ago. 

She said she is wanting this marriage to work and if she didn't want to work then she would have already left. 

When I found out there was not much remorse from her. Then about a month after my anger dwindle a little she started to become very loving to me and supportive. Then a month ago she withdrew from me and again.

With in a two weeks of finding out, I had realized if I didn't fix my depression I was going to lose my wife and kids. I change and she said the past 5 months I have been the father and husband she has always wanted. However she says she is still mad at me for not support her in the period I was having my depression.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StillSad said:


> She said she wants our marriage to work but she said she loves me but not in love and she still has feelings for the OM but it's not love. WHAT DO I DO NOW!


To simply put she doesn't love you. 

Now, would you stay with someone that cheated on you, doesn't respect you and doesn't love you? That's what you should do.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

Would the 180 rule work in this situation?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StillSad said:


> Would the 180 rule work in this situation?


Depends on what you're hoping to accomplish with the 180.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

To stay married and to have her love me again.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StillSad said:


> To stay married and to have her love me again.


You need to educate yourself ASAP.

Start with reading these book and blogs.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Alpha Game

Chateau Heartiste


Machiavelli any more useful links for this chap?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry to shine light: I own you the truth.


> I asked to have NC with the OM


Did she sent the NC letter? Did she give you complete transparence (passwords, etc) so you can verify this? Is she acountable for the whereabouts. Is she financialy transparent? Did she answered your questions to your satisfaction?


StillSad said:


> She said she is wanting this marriage to work and if she didn't want to work then she would have already left.


The fact she still here doesn't mean a thing. There are tons of possible reason to stay, at least for now (or not leaving for this particular OM, at least for now). You actually doesn't know more than she cheated, keeps cheating and blames you. What it's blatantly obvious is she wants to eat her cake. Her answer is a manipulative attempt at "logical" fallacy. Very obvious actually.


> When I found out there was not much remorse from her. Then about a month after my anger dwindle a little she started to become very loving to me and supportive. Then a month ago she withdrew from me and again.


Much remorse is an euphemism. She's not remorseful at all. If she was she wouldn't having an affair, don't you think? It's contradictory. And she *IS* having the affiar. The fact you only can catch her once in while doesn't mean the affair is not ongoing. The moods swing has nothing to do with you (whatever you are "improving" or not), they are the up and downs of her affair.


> With in a two weeks of finding out, I had realized if I didn't fix my depression I was going to lose my wife and kids. I change and *she said the past 5 months I have been the father and husband she has always wanted*. However she says she is still mad at me for not support her in the period I was having my depression.


The bolded part are crumbs she dishes so she can keep cake eating. The "still mad" is to cover herself when you catch her blataly contacting OM or when she can't hide the "mood swings" I explained before.

The affair is underground. You are in false R. You can't count with her word. She become a good liar. Start snooping seriously: keylogger the computer, spyware the phone, VAR at the car, GPS. Are you checking the phone bill? Are you following where goes the cash?

Taylor the 180 to your adventage. Put emphasis in self improvement. Forget the rest for a while so she doesn't suspect you are snooping.
Find your rights, talk to a lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to file now.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
The Healing Heart: The 180
Keep reading, keep posting. You are not alone.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

There hasn't been a NC contact letter yet. She has been transparent, I have all passwords. This is how how found about the Facebook message a week ago. My test was if he responded I wanted to see it. He did responded a day later and she showed it to me. OM has the money and paid for everything in the past, so no money has been missing. She has answer my questions.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

I been doing a lot of reading. Thanks for your help. Anymore advice would be appreciated.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

I have not contacted the OM, should I contact him myself?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

keko said:


> You need to educate yourself ASAP.
> 
> Start with reading these book and blogs.
> 
> ...


You've hit all the big guns, Keko. StillSad, start reading.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

StillSad said:


> I have not contacted the OM, should I contact him myself?


No. Don't contact the OM. Unless, you kill him or cripple him, you come off as looking weak. It's a felony for you to kill or maim the OM, so don't contact him. Does he have a wife or GF?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Actions have consequences.

What was the consequence of her contacting other man again?

You: "Don't contact other man again."

You: "I saw that you contacted other man again."

Her: "Oh, yeah, I wasn't going to tell you about that and I was hoping you wouldn't see it. I still have very deep sexual desire for him and I miss him terribly."

You: "OK. Don't do that again. No more contact.

Her: "OK."

That has repeated twice already. The more it happens without consequence, the more she will do it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Does other man have a wife or girlfriend?

Who knows about her affair? You, your wife, other man. Anyone else? Your parents, family, friends? Hers?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The affair is still going on underground. Only she is being much more careful about it. 

Is the OM married ? 

You handled the affair very badly..

You should not have offered reconciliation immediately

You should have made her more accountable.

You should have started fixing your issues.


Make her move out of the house. Get someone else to help with the kids for sometime


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She said she is wanting this marriage to work and if she didn't want to work then she would have already left.


Empty words like these mean nothing


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> However she says she is still mad at me for not support her in the period I was having my depression.


She still feels entitled to have an affair instead of breaking up or fixing th4 issues of the marriage. Would she expect that you do the same to her when she is going through a difficult period in her life ? 

Make it clear to her that srtaying in the marriage or not is your call. She lost the right a long time back

Did you guys go to counseling ? Do the families know ?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You're not going to nice her out of this affair. Have you considered any of the following?

Pack up her stuff, put it in the car, and drive her over and drop her off at the other man's house. First call him to say, "you win, she's all yours, I'm driving her over now to drop her off with all of her baggage."

Let your family and hers know she had an adulterous affair and was still contacting her affair partner, and that you just told other man he could have her and you dropped her and all her stuff off at other man's. Let your friends know, too. Don't tell her friends anything - screw her friends, she could tell them anything she wants, you shouldn't care one bit.

You definitely should let other man's wife know about the affair and ask for her help in killing it.

Why do you even want to stay married to "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I still have strong feelings for the other man"? That's gotta hurt, looking at her every day and knowing that's how she feels about you. Wouldn't you rather be alone than with someone who tells you that?

Maybe if you take some tougher actions and force her out of her comfortable, stable, secure life with you, knowing you always will be there for her no matter what she says or does, she would realize what she is losing and develop those feelings for you in a hurry. If not, what are you losing?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Pick yourself up and brush her footprints off your back.

You don't have a marriage - probably not even a FWB situation. Read the sggested lit, take it to heart. And if for some reason known only to you, you decide to try and get your marriage back on track, you really need to stock up on anti-depression meds because you're going to need them badly. 

Then enact the the principles in the lit with a firm heart and hand.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

The OM is married. I have not told anyone because I'm too ashamed. Her friend knows and that is all.

I'm starting 180 tomorrow and seeing a lawyer.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StillSad said:


> The OM is married. I have not told anyone because I'm too *ashamed*. Her friend knows and that is all.
> 
> I'm starting 180 tomorrow and seeing a lawyer.


Don't ever be ashamed because your wife cheated. Infact be proud of yourself being loyal not only when she was loyal as well but loyal while she was getting banged by another married man. You didn't do a single thing that forced her to cheat so never be ashamed of her cheating. On the other hand she should be ashamed but if she isn't that's very telling of her moral character.

I suggest you write an exposure letter, email or a text message and send it your/her family and friends explaining them your wife's affair, how you forgave her but she refused to show remorse and work on the marriage, and how you'll be proceeding with divorce.

This will send a strong message to your wife and she may turn around and be the wife you dreamed of. But given her history until now I would be surprised if she changes herself and commits to the marriage. I suggest you hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Also don't stop reading those links I sent you. You'll need them whether this marriage survives or you move onto new relationships.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Affairs thrive on secrecy. To kill it you need to expose it far and wide so she'll be pressured to stop it.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

THis affair makes me feel weak and look weak.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StillSad said:


> THis affair makes me feel weak and look weak.


If you were the one that cheated then yes. But since you didn't you shouldn't feel or look weak. But now how you respond to your wife's affair could make you feel and look weak though. Big difference.


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

Thank you keko, how I decide to respond will determine whether I'm weak or not.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Ther is no magic bullet. You need to accept that. It may be over. There may be nothing you can do.

You have to accept that so that you are not afraid to be forceful, which is your best chance.

Next thing, her word is not trustworthy. This is normal when someone is cheating. So you have to assume she is lying.

Now, what action you take is up to you. But for example, she broke a promise not to contact him. Can you compare the number of messages and calls on the phone to those on the bill to see what she is deleting? Things like that.

Eventually, if she won't stop, you have to kick her out.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

StillSad said:


> THis affair makes me feel weak and look weak.


Doesn't matter how you think you look and feel, but what ARE you? You've been given good advice. What are YOU going to DO with it? You've got some concrete suggestions, and some things to do in the very near future. Start doing them. 

Track down Omw tomorrow, take her proof of the affair, talk to her face to face, and explain the situation. Do not apologize for your wife, that's not your place, this is not your fault.

Go confront your wife right now. Force a choice, you or OM. If its OM, then tell her to leave, now, she can collect her crap another day. If you, then NC letter gets written now. Have you seen
a template? Either she is in, or she is out, there is no in between.


You have nothing to be ashamed about, but you will if you fail to stand up for yourself, your family, and your marriage.


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