# Is my boyfriend's friend more than a friend???



## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. I love him so much and I really do think he could be the one. I hope. 

Recently an old best friend of his just came back into his life. He insists they are just friends but it doesn't feel like that to me. For one, she is madly in love with him by all accounts of mutual friends and even her. She even stopped speaking to him when we got together. Apparently, he hadn't told her about us, i met her briefly before she left the party and then she cut him out of her life entirely. 

He took it really badly, my guy doesn't show sadness often but he did for this and my heart went out to him, they were really close friends who had traveled the world together. I guess he has been in contact with her and trying to get her back into his life, he says he misses his friend. She finally agreed. 

Something feels off to me. Here is why:
For one, my boyfriend didn't tell her about us. She had no idea about me when literally everyone else in his life did. He also never introduced me to her at the party. 

He has letters from her and old mix cds and they are definitely more than just friend letters. He refuses to get rid of them. 
even though she has been out of his life, he still has her pictures EVERYWHERE and paintings she did for him are up.
He still has a sentimental item of hers that she has asked him to return many many times. It's from her father and means a lot to her. I kept hassling him to just send it to her but he wouldn't and then finally said he was hoping to personally deliver it one day. She lives across the country. 

He says her feelings for him are all one sided tho...but then admits on one vacation they did sleep together. They actually met at a club and had dated a little while before deciding to become friends. HIS decision, not hers. On occasion, His friends have even implied that they were more than friends. 

Some texts I have seen between them certainly implied more than friends. He recently told her in an email very clearly tho that she was just his friend. She replied that she didn't and wouldn't believe that for a second. 

She isn't a delusional person so I don't think she would be the crazy type to do that. Plus my boyfriend like clearly respects her a lot and never says she's crazy or implied that. She has two freaking ivy league degrees, is gorgeous, bought him the truck he has, is a fulbright scholar, and all of our friends adore her. It drives me CRAZY. 

Especially now that she is back in his life. He says I love you to her which also drives me crazy. He is the kind of guy to say that to a lot of his friends tho, so idk if I am just reading more into it. I feel like telling her "I love you" knowing how she feels about him isn't ok. 

Even though he made it clear they are just friends, I am dreading this girl being back in his life. He is constantly distracted by her and always retelling stories he heard from her or involved her somehow and I know he missed her a lot, but its hard to hear...especially when she does exciting amazing things in her life that I can't even compete with ...

She has also sent him insulting messages about my looks when she has been drunk. He never defended me, he just replied to her: I don't care i still love you. He doesn't know I saw that email but it came up one day on his computer screen. Im upset he didn't defend me.
Every time I try to speak even the littlest badly about her, he always jumps to her defense. Someone who refused to speak to him for an entire year and who insults his girlfriend. Ugh. 

Am I crazy? How is this girl just a friend?

Recently, i saw AGAIN on his phone (this caused a huge fight) she sent a text that said: You love me, real or not real?
and he replied "real" and then "I miss you" and then "I'm sorry"

He says that is just as a friend...idk...I mean i want to believe him because there is no reason he would date me if he was really in love with her. She wanted him and if he wanted her, he could have had her. He ruined things with her by dating me. So that's what i cling to when i suspect something. I just am uncomfortable w the friendship and she even agreed to speak to him again as long as he doesn't mention me until she is more comfortable. Like hello I have been with him a YEAR now. but he AGREED TO IT!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am sorry that you have such a thoughtless boyfriend.

He seems to be stringing both you and her along.

This situation cannot go well, I fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

It sounds as though he has feelings for his "friend". His behavior towards her is inappropriate.

You're gonna have to draw the line. He needs to choose which camp he's in. He can stop communicating with her, and remove her from his life, and build his life with you. Or he can go be with her.

He can't have you both. They've slept together, and she has feelings for him. She is a threat to his relationship with you, so if he values you more than her, he will cut her off.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know it isn't fun.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I am not sure I'll be able to stop him from being her friend. He has made it clear before that he won't budge on that. I don't know how to ask him that, and i am also afraid of the response...

It also makes it seem like I don't trust him. Which is what he always says when I get jealous about her


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You're not suppose to stop him. You're suppose to let him know that you are uncomfortable with him having such a close relationship with a woman who has strong feelings for him, and who he has previously slept with. He, since he cares for you so much, then responds that he understands, and that he will do whatever you want. It isn't rocket science. If he doesn't get that it's not appropriate to exchange lovey dovey messages with a former lover, then he's got problems. 

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're more invested in this relationship than your boyfriend. Sure, friends are ok to have, but he has crossed the line. Don't let him try to tell you that you're just being jealous or distrusting. He's overstepped the bounds.

Him telling you that he won't give her up just tells you who he values more.

*ETA:* There is a possibility that he is just an very empathetic person. And that given their close long-standing relationship, he just doesn't want to hurt her. But, even if this is the case, he has to put boundaries in place. The love notes must stop, and he needs to distance himself from her.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

@BioFury Oh god no he isn't very empathetic lol, if anything a little of the opposite. He doesn't show emotions often. He has always been sorry he hurt her though.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

and yeah he is not distancing himself from her. .. He mentioned today how great it was to talk to her, she will only agree to email for right now bc she says fb and text are too much for her but that today they emailed back and forth about 20 times. She's also sending him and all of their mutual friends over here all these clothes from her movie industry job. I don't want to see him in a shirt she got him...or all his friends too ugh


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeah, looks to me like your watching a romantic relationship start to grow between them. She's in love with him, and he's trying to keep their relationship alive at the expense of his relationship with you.

Bottom line is that he needs to change directions. You need to sit him down and explain how you feel, and why you feel that way, and ask him to make changes. If he isn't willing to do so, then you'll have to decide whether him nurturing a relationship with a former lover is a deal breaker for you.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sounds like he is more invested in the relationship with her instead of you.
I hate to say it but if this relationship is already causing you stress it'll just get worse down the road.
I would find someone who actually appreciated me and didn't have a backup waiting in the wings.
Sorry you are in this situation. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to do yourself a favor and find a new bf. If they traveled the world you can be sure they shared more than friendship. 

If he's not willing to let her go completely in favor of you, he is not ready for a serious relationship and you're headed for a world of hurt.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

stolennightcars said:


> I am not sure I'll be able to stop him from being her friend. He has made it clear before that he won't budge on that. I don't know how to ask him that, and i am also afraid of the response...
> 
> It also makes it seem like I don't trust him. Which is what he always says when I get jealous about her


Oh sweetie, this is all you need to know.

You can't tell him to cut her off, but you CAN make it clear to him that YOU will walk away because of this ridiculously inappropriate "friendship". 

You're not being jealous, you're not over reacting - he's being an idiot.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would move on, he has let you know that he will always choose her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

these boots were made for walking and that's just what I'll do.


hes only a boyfriend be glad you found out now.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice guys. I am glad I don't feel so insane. My boyfriend has always said she was just a friend and i was starting to buy into his twisted logic and couldn't see why it was bothering me so much that she would be around again. Especially after how long he has been begging for her friendship back and dealing with her nasty drunken messages. I wanted to see him resolve it with her but now it feels very uncomfortable. I find myself online posting tons of photos of us happy and together so she will get the hint. He's a private person so he hates that and I can't even get him to post one single photo of us. i think it would be a lot more powerful coming from him, you know? But he doesn't want to hurt her.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He is more than just friends with her. He has a strong emotional bond. They have been through a lot together. She may have been there when he dated other women, who have since came and gone.

He is and will devote time and energy to her that really should be yours, should you relationship with him continue? Can you deal with that? She loves him, right? So she is not going to "get the hint". If she has seen other women come and go, she thinks or knows you will just be another one of them. She won't leave.

He might not leave you for her, but he could sleep with her, if you separate or get into big argument? Can you accept that?

Right now you are "just" his girlfriend so he will not give her up. At what point should he give her up? When you get engaged? When you get married? Honest, I think he is right not to cut her out of his life at least until he fully commits to you, which he has not. Right now his friendship with her means more to him than his relationship with you. That is not being mean. It just is. At some point, your relationship will mean more or you and he will split. 

Do you see yourself marrying this guy? If not, why ask him to give up his friend? The big question is: Will his continuing relationship with her prevent him from fully committing to you?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

he is the love of my life, i can't leave him


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.


Why date you? I believe you said she lives aross the country? My guess is that he likes having the convenience of a girlfriend - for social reasons, and for sex - nearby. However, exactly why he committed to a relationship with you seems fairly irrelevant at this point. The fact of the matter is that he keeps making it abundantly clear that his friend is a higher priority than you are. 

I think a more interesting, and relevant to you, question would be why you seem to want a relationship so badly with someone who gives every indication that you're not his priority. You don't appear to want to tell him to choose between you and his friend because you seem to know he'll choose her. But, in fact, he's already choosing her. She's the one who's important to him.

And why have you chosen someone who is so obviously emotionally unavailable to you as the "love of [your] life"?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

He is not "the one" as you hoped. 

My advice now and for the future is a clear understanding between you and your man once you have agreed on exclusivity. No close opposite gender friends, ever. At best, they can cause unnecessary jealousy and anxiety in your partner. At worst, these "friends" actively work to undermine your relationship and take advantage of moments of your partner's weakness to get them to make a really bad, irreversible mistake. Why do this?

I'm a man. The only thing a female friend can offer me that a man can't is vagina. It would be highly disrespectful of me to spend time with another woman in such context. My wife feels the same way. 

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would suggest you have a direct, open, direct, calm, rational and direct conversation with your man about this. Did I mention being direct? Leave no ambiguity. He must cut all ties to her and limit himself to male friends going forward. If he refuses, move on. 

That may sound extreme, but it's really the healthy thing to do. If you are this uneasy now, imagine how you will be when he is confiding in this woman about all the problems in your relationship. You say she is open in her desire for him. How will you feel when he is angry or frustrated with you and turns to her for understanding. It's like giving the fox a crowbar and a map to the hen house. 

This isn't about your trust in him. Even if he is true blue and would die before cheating, a woman like this in his life can cause all kinds of friction and trouble. In the words of Nancy Reagan, "Just say no!"


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah from what I see in her social media, she is convinced he loves her back. I mean she always posts meme or stuff about friends who are actually more than that. She has him blocked on everything but not me. and I find myself posting pics of us as a happy couple so she can get the hint. I even say he is the love of my life on fb. He won't upload any pics of us tho, he says oh he hasn't gotten around to it and once even said he just worried it would hurt her if she saw it and that she had already been through a lot bc of him


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> Yeah from what I see in her social media, she is convinced he loves her back. I mean she always posts meme or stuff about friends who are actually more than that. She has him blocked on everything but not me. and I find myself posting pics of us as a happy couple so she can get the hint. I even say he is the love of my life on fb. He won't upload any pics of us tho, he says oh he hasn't gotten around to it and once even said he just worried it would hurt her if she saw it and that she had already been through a lot bc of him


Willful ignorance is frequently rewarded with pain.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. I love him so much and I really do think he could be the one. I hope.
> 
> Recently an old best friend of his just came back into his life. He insists they are just friends but it doesn't feel like that to me. For one, she is madly in love with him by all accounts of mutual friends and even her. She even stopped speaking to him when we got together. Apparently, he hadn't told her about us, i met her briefly before she left the party and then she cut him out of her life entirely.
> 
> ...


Listen to your gut! It's screaming at you that this is wrong and not and ideal relationship. Regain your self worth and move on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your boyfriend is supposed to be auditioning to be your husband. I think he has failed the audition.

NEXT!


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I just wonder, if I am being ignorant and blind, no one put a gun to his head and made him date me or stay with me for a year. She wasn't around, and so he clearly chose me then over her. He could've dumped me immediately and tried to win her back and he didn't. 

I just sometimes wonder if he isn't dating her bc he doesn't feel good enough. He has mentioned that a few times, about how she dates all these harvard guys and its implied in that context that he doesn't even have a college education. (Neither do i). He always says she deserves to end up happy and have all her dreams come true and should be with an educated guy. He also visited where she lives in california and said that all her friends were really beautiful smart and educated people and he felt not good enough... idk..


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I am 22, he is 25, she is 30


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> I just sometimes wonder if he isn't dating her bc he doesn't feel good enough. He has mentioned that a few times, about how she dates all these harvard guys and its implied in that context that he doesn't even have a college education. (Neither do i). He always says she deserves to end up happy and have all her dreams come true and should be with an educated guy. He also visited where she lives in california and said that all her friends were really beautiful smart and educated people and he felt not good enough... idk..


Do you really want to be with a guy (that YOU THINK) has settled for you because he is not good enough for her?

C'mon on young lady. You are much better than that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> I am 22, he is 25, she is 30


You are way too young to be getting into a committed relationship. Break up with him and move on. There are so many good men out there who are not flakes and who will not cause you this kind of anxiety. 

This is no way to live. Love is supposed to make you feel good and secure and hopeful and comfortable. Your asshat boyfriend doesn't love you, or he would not be putting you through all this stress. 

You deserve better, and sister....this guy isn't it.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Ok I am not a placeholder he tells me he loves me. We practically live together. He gave me the skateboard she gave him. I have met his entire family and been w them for Christmas. Although his mother won't even look at me and I guess she hates all his gfs but lovessssss his best friend . Like what's in the water that she's giving them to make everyone feel this way about her!? 
And I am working on teaching english abroad . We broke up a few weeks ago bc he is sometimes distant and jt made me realize I need to have my own goals and dreams and he has been very supportive about me leaving the country to teach English and is even helping me fundraiser


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

So why are you posting about this situation? You seem so sure that he wants you, not her. Why does the friendship bother you?

If you're being honest with yourself, it's because you don't really believe your relationship is a solid as you say it is. Deny your emotional brain at your peril.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I can understand that he's the love of your life. But a relationship is not a one way street. The fact of the matter is that he isn't committed to your relationship, and you are. 

You can either suffer the pain of losing him now, or suffer the pain of sharing him with another woman, and perhaps eventually being cheated on.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> So why are you posting about this situation? You seem so sure that he wants you, not her. Why does the friendship bother you?
> 
> 
> 
> If you're being honest with yourself, it's because you don't really believe your relationship is a solid as you say it is. Deny your emotional brain at your peril.




Exactly
You wrote your post for a reason.
Your gut is saying there is a problem here.
You are so young...there will be other men and if it's meant to be maybe you will cross paths when he's matured and figured out what he wants.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> He gave me the skateboard she gave him.



:surprise:



Oh well hell! 

If that isn't love I don't know what is!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.


He has already left you for her, and he is not committed to you if he were then he would not have cared about having her in his life.

He could have used you to try and forget about her, but it did not work. You need to lay down some rules or move on and be thankful you aren't married and have kids to worry about.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So you broke up? So he is your ex-BF?

Young lady, go enjoy life. Teaching English abroad sounds awesome. Take the skateboard with you. >

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant from him and if you ever get back together, date for at least 2-3 MORE years before marrying him. 

Good luck. 

BTW: No, you certainly are not a placeholder. You are a remarkable person. :smile2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Yeah, looks to me like your watching a romantic relationship start to grow between them. She's in love with him, and he's trying to keep their relationship alive at the expense of his relationship with you.
> 
> Bottom line is that he needs to change directions. You need to sit him down and explain how you feel, and why you feel that way, and ask him to make changes. If he isn't willing to do so, then you'll have to decide whether him nurturing a relationship with a former lover is a deal breaker for you.



I believe it is highly appropriate [for you] to have the talk He does like you, he likes her more.... a lot more. 

You say he is not emphatic. I bet he is emphatic with HER!

Your relationship with this guy does not pass the smell test. 

It is OK that they do STILL have feelings for each other. It is NOT OK that you are left dangling by your toes, at the end of a frayed rope.

He suit of clothes is dyed a "cryptic" and camouflaged shade. His actions keep him out of the Sun and into that shady spot that makes his image and form "blurry". 

You are at a considerable disadvantage here. They were "an item" before [you met this guy]. 

With this in mind, I would itemize my past and future expenses with respect to what this relationship will cost you in the future. And what the relationship will it do to your sensibilities. I see lots of costs and lots of depreciation in your ledger; losses in your mental-balance-sheet. 

I would amicably separate from him until he sorts out the pages that spew out of his plugged-jet "fuzzy" life printer. 

If this action pushes the "Two Friends" together again....then that is the right mix for this Starcrossed pairing. Do not find yourself in the middle of these two erstwhile "on again-off again" friendlies.

Take pride in yourself. You are a catch and a better man will scoop you up!

Yes, it intones the bye-bye Swan Song [for you]. You must let the music play out.

Ultimately, HE will make or break your relationship. I think he broke it already. To me, he comes across as a selfish, weak ASS.

Sorry.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> Ok I am not a placeholder he tells me he loves me. We practically live together. He gave me the skateboard she gave him. I have met his entire family and been w them for Christmas. Although his mother won't even look at me and I guess she hates all his gfs but lovessssss his best friend . Like what's in the water that she's giving them to make everyone feel this way about her!?
> And I am working on teaching english abroad . We broke up a few weeks ago bc he is sometimes distant and jt made me realize I need to have my own goals and dreams and he has been very supportive about me leaving the country to teach English and is even helping me fundraiser


So, everyone here is pointing out the obvious here and you continually have a response that supports every wrong doing your bf does. There are years of experience, knowledge and folks who have been duped on this board, what exactly is it that you are looking for from everyone?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Bc advice is easier to give than to take much less swallow And I want to make sure every one has the full story. When I first posted I gave the strongest evidence I had against him that he might actually love her but I didn't explain our relationship. I am just worried and things were fine while she was gone. You live so long w one reality hearing another takes time to digest . I was in his head where all these things are ok to do w a friend 

But now I see they aren't and I honestly don't think if I gave him this ultimatum that I would last much longer in his life


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> Bc advice is easier to give than to take much less swallow


That is very true Young Lady. 

How serious are you about this relationship with him? Didn't you just say that you broke up with him several weeks ago and are now going to teach abroad?

Is that because YOU do not value the relationship with him (meaning you are not serious yet) or is this a reaction to him not being serious with you?

Stay strong.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

If I had to say either then definitely him not being serious w me. I am in this entirely . I need to hear someone just actually say. He is in love w her idiot walk away


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

stolennightcars said:


> If I had to say either then definitely him not being serious w me. I am in this entirely . I need to hear someone just actually say. He is in love w her idiot walk away


Here's what you do. 

"Dude, I'm tired of being in the way of your relationship with whatsherface. Even if you're not going to be with her, you obviously aren't over her and ready for a real relationship. I am, and I'm going to find it with someone that's not you. Ta."

And then *never speak to him again.*

Because the last thing you want to do is live with a relationship like this when you have 2 kids and a mortgage and a dog and he's still pinning over this chick. Or a new one.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> If I had to say either then definitely him not being serious w me. I am in this entirely . I need to hear someone just actually say. He is in love w her idiot walk away




He is in love with her [i don't want to get banned] walk away. 


Now can you dump him?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah :-( I can... I just found out she was sending him videos of her talking and catching up and he lightly commented how great she looked and how he misses her and then they emailed back and forth like twenty times in one day. Apparently she was a big party animal but very recently decided to stop partying and dating. He's all "proud" of her but I wonder how much is secretly relief that she isn't sleeping w others anymore.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> Yeah :-( I can... I just found out she was sending him videos of her talking and catching up and he lightly commented how great she looked and how he misses her and then they emailed back and forth like twenty times in one day. Apparently she was a big party animal but very recently decided to stop partying and dating. He's all "proud" of her but I wonder how much is secretly relief that she isn't sleeping w others anymore.


I'm sorry it's come to this. Just remind yourself that it's better for things to fall apart now, than two years down the road when you find him in bed with her.

That said, give him a chance to change. Tell him what needs to happen to make things work between you. If he isn't willing to do it, then you have your answer, and know that he would have eventually betrayed you.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah I guess you are right. Tho I don't see them together anytime soon. She's going to London for her fulbright soon ... we have all the same friends I can't imagine us not together. 

Ugh I just checked her social media and she posted yesterday the lyrics to doll parts by hole.

"Yeah they really want you, they really want you. Well I do too. I want to be the girl w all the cake. Some day you will ache like I ache. He only likes those things because he likes to see them break. I love him so much it turns to hate". 

This feels horrible. All I can think is that people don't get this way for no reason unless they're insane stalkers and stalkers don't cut you out of their life for a year. So he must be giving her reasons to feel this way .

I know it's only a matter of time before she is full fledged in his life again as his "best friend"


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> I know it's only a matter of time before she is full fledged in his life again as his "best friend"


She already is his best friend.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Have you ever broken up with a serious boyfriend before?

If not, it's time to learn by doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> Bc advice is easier to give than to take much less swallow And I want to make sure every one has the full story. When I first posted I gave the strongest evidence I had against him that he might actually love her but I didn't explain our relationship. I am just worried and things were fine while she was gone. You live so long w one reality hearing another takes time to digest . I was in his head where all these things are ok to do w a friend
> 
> But now I see they aren't and I honestly don't think if I gave him this ultimatum that I would last much longer in his life


SNC....

There should not even be a "she" in the equation. "She" should not even exist in his life. Only you. That is what a committed relationship is. Why can you not understand this?

As long as there is a "she" you and your boyfriend do not have anything approaching an authentic relationship.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I am slow to understand this bc he tells me SHE is a friend. And "she" hasn't been apart of his life our entire relationship . She is new . And I only have what he told me and what he insists to be true! That's why. It's an entire year w him I do not want to throw away. Am I to ask him to have no contact or just less contact ?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

And because HE rejected her., well before I ever came along and he picked me


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> I am slow to understand this bc he tells me SHE is a friend. And "she" hasn't been apart of his life our entire relationship . She is new . And I only have what he told me and what he insists to be true! That's why.* It's an entire year w him I do not want to throw away. *Am I to ask him to have no contact or just less contact ?


So how many more years do you want throw away? 3? 4? Stay with him and you will get that. 




stolennightcars said:


> We broke up a few weeks ago bc he is sometimes distant and jt made me realize I need to have my own goals and dreams


You still have not confirmed if you already broke up with him. Did you do that?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you verified anything that he has told you?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I think you might be a bit jealous of her, it is normal. However, you have to ask yourself if being with your boyfriend is worth the craziness you are feeling?

Is he worth feeling second best?
Is he worth feeling as if she is his best friend and you will never be?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> I am slow to understand this bc he tells me SHE is a friend. And "she" hasn't been apart of his life our entire relationship . She is new . And I only have what he told me and what he insists to be true! That's why. It's an entire year w him I do not want to throw away. Am I to ask him to have no contact or just less contact ?


Thats up to you. You're his girlfriend. You have to decide what you're comfortable with.

Less contact would be a start. If no contact becomes necessary, then you can ask for that at a later date.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Verified what you mean? Like what part of the story? It's pretty clear by all accounts she was the one openly in love with him. He tells me she got the wrong idea somehow but that it was a one-sided thing. Idk what else there would be to verify?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

They have already slept together, I bet more than once.

You are young throwing a year away is better than throwing your life away.

Everything you say here is just everything you are saying to make yourself believe the so called friendship. Why keep putting yourself through all of this? you have your whole life to find a guy that will respect you, because this one sure doesn't.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> Verified what you mean? Like what part of the story? It's pretty clear by all accounts she was the one openly in love with him. He tells me she got the wrong idea *somehow* but that it was a one-sided thing. Idk what else there would be to verify?


Your BF sleeping with her is a pretty good "somehow". Or is it the 20 emails in one day while you watch?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> Bc advice is easier to give than to take much less swallow And I want to make sure every one has the full story. When I first posted I gave the strongest evidence I had against him that he might actually love her but I didn't explain our relationship. I am just worried and things were fine while she was gone. You live so long w one reality hearing another takes time to digest . I was in his head where all these things are ok to do w a friend
> 
> But now I see they aren't and I honestly don't think if I gave him this ultimatum that I would last much longer in his life


And if you gave him an ultimatum and he chose her, you would certainly know where you stand, same as if he chose you. Imagine this man as your husband. Are you going to be happy the rest of your life being second best to another woman? YOU should be his best friend, YOU should be the one he's talking about, praising and complimenting!! He should be defending YOU when she disrespects your appearance. Everything that involves loving, caring, nurturing and supporting a mate should be based on you.....not another woman (nor man if the roles were reversed). 

It may seem now that he's the only one for you, the love of your life. But think about it...did you love him before you knew him? No. Therefore there is, I'm positive, another man that you will love and HE will show you what love really is, and this guy will be a thing of the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA: I can see how you might feel like everyone is coming down on you and/or attacking you and that's that's the furthest from the truth. We all see a young lady who could be potentially being taken advantage of and no one wants to see you waste anymore of your life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sweetie, you love him, you want to believe him. This sucks and it hurts. Believe me, I get it. Everyone posting here, we are older and (hopefully) wiser due to more life experience...we all get it. We've been there too. We just have more life experience so can see how this is going to go down....

I'm old enough to be your mum sweetie. If you were my daughter my heart would break, watching you hurt over this guy. Watching your self esteem fall to to pieces, watching you wonder why you're "not good enough". I would tell you to kick his ar$e to the kerb. You are worth SO much more than this. You should be so happy and giddy - you've only been together for a year, you should be enjoying being young and in love, not wondering why "she" is more important to YOUR boyfriend than you are - and she is, he's told you as much.

Never, EVER make someone a priority who only considers you to be an option.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

frusdill, what do you think will go down between us?? No one is really telling me. They just say oh bad news coming your way. Like what, get with her? are you all saying he doesn't love me like i think? That his heart is really with her? Yes I am a slow learner and very optimistic w love. but.. like i said she is across the country and soon the world... but I am terrified she will invite him to visit in london which I can see happening. I am going to talk to him and ask him to please not talk to her and to think of me. I never said anything before bc i figured she would stay away from him....i have no idea how he got her back into his life bc last i heard she hated him viciously. ugh


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Answer to your post is yes. You are smart. U figured it out. Now leave him


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

stolennightcars said:


> frusdill, what do you think will go down between us?? No one is really telling me. They just say oh bad news coming your way. Like what, get with her? are you all saying he doesn't love me like i think? That his heart is really with her? Yes I am a slow learner and very optimistic w love. but.. like i said she is across the country and soon the world... but I am terrified she will invite him to visit in london which I can see happening. I am going to talk to him and ask him to please not talk to her and to think of me. I never said anything before bc i figured she would stay away from him....i have no idea how he got her back into his life bc last i heard she hated him viciously. ugh


If you stay with him, you will always feel insecure. You'll never really be happy or feel safe. This is because he's told you in both word and in deed that she is more important to him than you are.

She could be a million miles away, and still be right in between the two of you, if he can't stop thinking about her.

Nothing wrong with being optimistic with love sweetie, nothing at all. Just make sure that you're investing in the right man


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dump this clown. This is nuts...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Najahlynn (Jan 1, 2016)

Read It's called a breakup because its broken..good luck!http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FCKDIW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

*OP:*

Either break up with him or take a *very long* break from your relationship with him.

While on the break do not contact him. Do not look at his Facebook. Do not post anything on Facebook regarding him or the 2 of you. Do not use any kind of social media to stay in contact with him. 

If he contacts you, do not respond.

You will soon be teaching English abroad. That would be the perfect time to do this.

Your **so called** boyfriend needs to figure out exactly what he wants. Put the ball in his court.

And honestly, at 22 your are too young to get involved in a relationship. You should be enjoying your life instead of worrying and wondering about what is going on between your **so called** boyfriend and his female best friend.

If you meet another guy who treats you much better than he does, that would be great. However, casually dating is a better way to go at this time in your life.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

thanks everyone I will keep you updated. He's been out of town visiting his family. Ill talk to him when he gets back. There's a package in the mail coming from her *not* looking forward to that. 

Last night I remembered how she once drunkenly called me a pig faced c*nt and was laughing about my looks and whatnot he replied "I don't care I still love you. I still miss you." and she replied that she was sorry and that she was drunk and she was trying to be a better person, and he said you are an amazing person and never be sorry for how you feel, "you are one of the most beautiful souls I know". and that expressing how she felt never for a second made her less of a great person!!!! 

Never be sorry for how she feels?Calling me a pig faced c*nt?? 

I didn't sneak on his email, this popped up on my computer screen bc we share comps sometimes and I could see the whole stream just right there. It made me sick. It;s amazing what u can make yourself forget


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Enjoy your overseas teaching life. When you get settled overseas, drop a post here on TAMs for your friends here to see that you are living happily.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Enjoy your oversees teaching life. When you get settled overseas, drop a post here on TAMs for your friends here to see that you are living happily.


You cross posted. Wrong thread.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> You cross posted. Wrong thread.





stolennightcars said:


> *And I am working on teaching english abroad . *We broke up a few weeks ago bc he is sometimes distant and jt made me realize I need to have my own goals and dreams and he has been very supportive about me leaving the country to teach English and is even helping me fundraiser


No, I got it right. C'mon Bandit, take better notes. Didn't someone create a verb based on your name?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

stolennightcars said:


> thanks everyone I will keep you updated. He's been out of town visiting his family. Ill talk to him when he gets back. There's a package in the mail coming from her *not* looking forward to that.
> 
> *Last night I remembered how she once drunkenly called me a pig faced c*nt and was laughing about my looks and whatnot he replied "I don't care I still love you. I still miss you." and she replied that she was sorry and that she was drunk and she was trying to be a better person, and he said you are an amazing person and never be sorry for how you feel, "you are one of the most beautiful souls I know".* and that expressing how she felt never for a second made her less of a great person!!!!
> 
> ...


Oh honey why are you still with him? The guy is a first class a hole! How could you stay with him after that??? You can't be serious when you say he's the love of your life...if someone said that about me, my husband would <unprintable>.

Wow.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> You need to do yourself a favor and find a new bf. If they traveled the world you can be sure they shared more than friendship.
> 
> If he's not willing to let her go completely in favor of you, he is not ready for a serious relationship and you're headed for a world of hurt.


This entirely.

There are people who love to have ''triangles''...meaning two women or men to fill their lives with attention and drama. Sounds like he is that guy. Truth is, he shouldn't even be chatting her up at this point, so just seems like a lot of drama and headache. Don't ever compete. Ever. If a guy puts you into such a position, move on. I'm sorry you're in this situation, however.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> thanks everyone I will keep you updated. He's been out of town visiting his family. Ill talk to him when he gets back. There's a package in the mail coming from her *not* looking forward to that.
> 
> Last night I remembered how she once drunkenly called me a pig faced c*nt and was laughing about my looks and whatnot he replied "I don't care I still love you. I still miss you." and she replied that she was sorry and that she was drunk and she was trying to be a better person, and he said you are an amazing person and never be sorry for how you feel, "you are one of the most beautiful souls I know". and that expressing how she felt never for a second made her less of a great person!!!!
> 
> ...


 This may sound harsh, but it is what you need to hear. 
He's comforting her while she speaks ugly about you, and you are OK with that? That speaks volumes. Look up co-dependency.
How many times does he text you a day?
How many times has he said you are a "beautiful soul"?
You're convenient for him that's it. You asked what will happen? If she changed her plans, moved to your area and put on a full court press to get your BF, she would. He's treating you like a backup plan. 
You were asked if you had verified the extent of his relationship with her, instead of just believing what he tells you. He's not going to be honest with you because the truth is she's his number 1, and he can't have it both ways ,like he does now, if he tells you that. Look up the term "Gaslighting", that's what he's doing to you. You deserve better than this. Call him out on it and at the least do like Marduk said and make him choose. It's a win/win for you. Personally, I'd say you should just move on and tell him to enjoy his life with his best friend, and keep the skateboard for the grief he's caused you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Personally, I'd say you should just move on and tell him to enjoy his life with his best friend, and *keep the skateboard* for the grief he's caused you.


Yep and I'd be making sure that b!tch knows that he gave you the skateboard that she made for him too.

They deserve each other.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

UPDATE**** Hi everyone. I talked to my boyfriend gently like you all said and here is what happened. He finally admitted that sleeping with her wasn't the right thing to have done and accepting her lavish gifts (like a vehicle) wasn't right either; and he admits those things led her on, which he feels sorry for causing her pain in that way. He said for the night they slept together they had been fighting the entire night and drinking. 


He had flown to california to visit her and the last night there She, I guess, had confronted him saying she believed he loved her back, and he denied it and they fought a lot and both said really bad and mean things to each other. She was crying a lot and he said, he was so drunk he just figured the way to fix it would be to have sex. He admitted that she had told him as they started having sex "don't just use me" and that it haunted him a lot after.

He has made it clear to her now that they are just friends, I've read that email myself. and from her social media it looks like she is starting to accept that. He says not talking to her wouldn't feel right because she is such a part of his past and she has many ties to his friends and family. He doesn't seem ready to cut down or anything and just basically reassured me there is nothing to worry about. 

I mentioned the things Iknow she has said about me and he said that she also said insults to him too but that was back when she was drinking a lot and she is sober now and won't be doing those things.

What do you think?

Also sorry one last thing! He said it might look like he's in love with her or appear that way to some but really he just admires her because she came from nothing and has done a lot with her life and looks up to her, doesn't feel romantically for her tho.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

and lol yes she knows about the skateboard, it apparently drives her insane. I did a video fundraising for my abroad trip yesterday and made sure the skateboard was in the shot.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

yeah, i mean i suppose if she did that MAYBE? But she had an entire year before to get him and it never worked and she's going to london. He just seems mostly to feel so guilty for causing her pain and leading her on. I think...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

Goog luck!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

stolennightcars said:


> What do you think?
> 
> Also sorry one last thing! He said it might look like he's in love with her or appear that way to some but really he just admires her because she came from nothing and has done a lot with her life and looks up to her, doesn't feel romantically for her tho.


You are Plan B. He is in love with her. I sincerely hope that you do not believe him. She is 30 and he is 25 and you are 22. This woman is a cougar at this age. It is time for you to leave. You will hurt for a while, but you will get over it.

You will live in torment if you continue in this threesome relationship. You will love again and hopefully you will be wise enough to chose a man who will love you and value you the most in his life. Go wander around the world and forget this man. Hope the best for you.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> UPDATE**** Hi everyone. I talked to my boyfriend gently like you all said and here is what happened. He finally admitted that sleeping with her wasn't the right thing to have done and accepting her lavish gifts (like a vehicle) wasn't right either; and he admits those things led her on, which he feels sorry for causing her pain in that way. He said for the night they slept together they had been fighting the entire night and drinking.
> 
> 
> He had flown to california to visit her and the last night there She, I guess, had confronted him saying she believed he loved her back, and he denied it and they fought a lot and both said really bad and mean things to each other. She was crying a lot and he said, he was so drunk he just figured the way to fix it would be to have sex. He admitted that she had told him as they started having sex "don't just use me" and that it haunted him a lot after.
> ...


 I was going to edit out the parts of your post where he wasn't gaslighting you, but honestly couldn't find any. 
Did you ask him why he didn't defend you when she was insulting you?
He never had to make a choice between you two, and he still hasn't and won't until you make him. The next time he goes to see her he'll have another excuse you'll buy wholesale as to why he slept withe her that time. This will happen repetitively every time they are together.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I was going to edit out the parts of your post where he wasn't gaslighting you, but honestly couldn't find any.
> Did you ask him why he didn't defend you when she was insulting you?
> He never had to make a choice between you two, and he still hasn't and won't until you make him. The next time he goes to see her he'll have another excuse you'll buy wholesale as to why he slept withe her that time. This will happen repetitively every time they are together.


How is he gas lighting? all these explanations do make sense to me. I mean what am I missing here?! Please don't just tell me i am an idiot and walk away, please break this down using your wisdom and experience.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> How is he gas lighting? all these explanations do make sense to me. I mean what am I missing here?! Please don't just tell me i am an idiot and walk away, please break this down using your wisdom and experience.


 It makes sense to you because he's telling you exactly what you want to hear. He still hasn't addressed why he didn't take up for you, how much he loves her (says it repeatedly), or why he can't respect you enough to stop communicating with her( "it doesn't seem right" is weak sauce). I guess if you two aren't exclusive and your cool with it , then that's your choice. I can't imagine treating a girlfriend that way and getting away with it.
Even if what he told you "makes sense" it doesn't make it OK. Do you plan on having a Long distance Relationship when you go abroad? If so the boundaries that your BF lacks would leave me questioning his loyalty to you when you can't keep tabs on him. He violates those boundaries even when you can watch him. This seems to me to be one more checkmark on the "move on" side.
On another note, I'd venture to guess if the "Best Friend" did manage to get your boyfriend from you, it wouldn't last once the thrill of the chase was over. She digs that part and your BF enjoys the ego building attention, and none of it is fair to you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is the "vehicle" a reference to the skateboard or did she buy him a car?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

A truck yes .


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did you break up with him or are you back together?

You still are going overseas if you raise the funds, right?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I wanted to give him a chance to explain, we are still together. Yes ill go abroad regardless of us


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

ok he didn't defend me thats true, and that does bother me but i can see how his guilt for leading her on made him not want to argue back with her. I mean am I entirely delusional? Does this explanation not at add up?? She was in love w him, he accidentally led her on a few times, he accepted her gifts, she got the wrong idea, she met me and left his life, and it hurt him bc he never meant to lose a friend and then let her lash out at him a few times and btw he tells all his friends I love u. 

I don't want you to sugar coat me, if you see a valid point that doesn't fit this explanation by all means.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BioFury said:


> *ETA:* There is a possibility that he is just an very empathetic person. And that given their close long-standing relationship, he just doesn't want to hurt her. But, even if this is the case, he has to put boundaries in place. The love notes must stop, and he needs to distance himself from her.


True except that would not explain why he has pictures of her up. That's very insensitive to his new woman. I am sorry but he is *not* the one.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> ok he didn't defend me thats true, and that does bother me but i can see how his guilt for leading her on made him not want to argue back with her. I mean am I entirely delusional? Does this explanation not at add up?? She was in love w him, he accidentally led her on a few times, he accepted her gifts, she got the wrong idea, she met me and left his life, and it hurt him bc he never meant to lose a friend and then let her lash out at him a few times and btw he tells all his friends I love u.
> 
> I don't want you to sugar coat me, if you see a valid point that doesn't fit this explanation by all means.


I didn't read the entire thread, but why does he have pictures of her up in his home? Why is he holding onto so much memorabilia? That has nothing to do with guilt for leading her on.

BTW, I was just reminiscing with my brother the other day - my very first boy friend was his best friend and we were wondering what became of him. He was totally hooked on me (I don't mean that smug like it sounds, it was just a well know fact, but I had moved away.)

Anyhow, years after having seen him I was in his hometown and looked him up. He was married and at first he told me that he and his wife would like to get together with me. But later he told me "My wife is really not comfortable with my seeing you again even though she knows we're just old friends so I need to end contact with you."

I was really sad because he was such a significant person in my life, but I understood that was WHY his wife was uncomfortable and I just told him "I understand, have a great life." And that was that.

You're not married but you are hoping he is the one. At this point he is not where you are. Will he grow out of it? Maybe and maybe not, but at this moment he is trying to keep his options open and being incredibly insensitive to you.

But like another poster said - you don't MAKE him do anything. You just decide if his relationship with her, and possibly other female "friends" are something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. (Hint - they're not!!!!) And you calmly inform him that you love him dearly but you don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man who has this type of connection to another woman. He's not wrong, he's just wrong for you right now.

Be very calm and straightforward. Don't yell, Don't cry. Don't be hysterical, but decide what you will and will not accept and think about what you want your relationship to look like 20 years from now, and do lower your standards. 

If he's the one, he'll pull his head out of his arse. If he doesn't, then unfortunately you are not as important to him as he is to you and he's not the one because years from now you won't be infatuated with him anymore. You'll just be hurt, neglected, and disappointed.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> ok he didn't defend me thats true, and that does bother me but i can see how his guilt for leading her on made him not want to argue back with her. I mean am I entirely delusional? Does this explanation not at add up?? She was in love w him, he accidentally led her on a few times, he accepted her gifts, she got the wrong idea, she met me and left his life, and it hurt him bc he never meant to lose a friend and then let her lash out at him a few times and btw he tells all his friends I love u.
> 
> I don't want you to sugar coat me, if you see a valid point that doesn't fit this explanation by all means.


He "accidentally" led her on? By accepting a TRUCK? LOL. Child, please!

Let me tell you a little story...

When I was in my 20's I was dating a man who I was not romantically interested in. I kept TELLING him I just felt friendship for him, but he was clearly in love with me. I thought it's okay because I told him how I feel and he always said he understood and that was fine.

But we were out one night and window shopping and there was this beautiful red silk dress and was about $700 in today's dollars. I admired it and he wanted to buy it for me! The sales lady was all over us, haha. 

And I remember I said to him: "How are you going to feel when you walk into a restaurant some night and see me on a date with someone else wearing a dress you spent $700 on?"

He said "Oh. Good point." And not only did I not get the dress but he asked me to go dutch on all our future dates. (I really screwed up , haha)

My point is - you don't accept a truck from a member of the opposite sex and not know what it means. *Your guy is insensitive to you AND this other woman.*


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Ok well..for the pics he has a roommate, guy, who was also best friends w her, and they are group photos of them all together. 

You're right idk why he keeps the gloves and that bothers me, like he doesn't want to let go

the paintings she made for him are, admittedly worth good money, she's a pretty successful artist, (I hear) and he owns three large ones, made for him, so he's really proud of them, he has even joked when he dies he wants to be buried with them lol.

I mean this guy doesn't own much of any worth so i can see why he would want to keep those and feel proud of them. Apparently they are appraised at over 50k.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I think he regrets accepting the gifts. Apparently the three of them, my guy, his male roommate, and her, were all together on this property they own jointly in texas, and want/still are working to build it into a home there/base for the male roommates nonprofit company. So what i am saying is that they were all jointly helping each other out bc they were all working to build on this land and my guy is a welder and construction guy so a truck really helped the cause. Idk if that makes sense or if I make any sense btw....

those are just the reasons that come in my head that i tell myself when people (or I) ask. 

When she walked away, he offered to repay her for everything, a few times, but she refused adamantly. said she had no regrets about that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> UPDATE**** Hi everyone. I talked to my boyfriend gently like you all said and here is what happened. He finally admitted that sleeping with her wasn't the right thing to have done and accepting her lavish gifts (like a vehicle) wasn't right either; and he admits those things led her on, which he feels sorry for causing her pain in that way. He said for the night they slept together they had been fighting the entire night and drinking.
> 
> 
> He had flown to california to visit her and the last night there She, I guess, had confronted him saying she believed he loved her back, and he denied it and they fought a lot and both said really bad and mean things to each other. She was crying a lot and he said, he was so drunk he just figured the way to fix it would be to have sex. He admitted that she had told him as they started having sex "don't just use me" and that it haunted him a lot after.
> ...


Are you for real? Would you really accept this bullsh*t??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Look everyone is saying some pretty crappy things about me and my boyfriend. So i went back to him and we argued and he let me see the emails he sent to her making it all clear and showing how he REALLY feels about her. Here are the exact word for word emails he sent to her. You tell me if there's something more than friendship here, really honestly i do want your interpretation.

Im not trying to be an idiot or buy into someone's BS, that's why i am here getting advice. 



Hey I'm sorry about the gloves. Ill send them as soon as I can. Sorry it took me so long to see this. I didn't mean to hold on to them for so long. I was hoping to be able to personally deliver them. I won't. I'll send them. I had tried before and they were returned. Anyway, I'm sorry about how you feel about me. I never used you though. I never asked for anything from you. In fact I've offered to repay you. You know, you shouldn't do stuff for people expecting something in return. For a long time, I thought we were growing into a beautiful friendship. I wanted what you and (his roommate) had. I'm sorry, about accepting anything when I did find out you had feelings for me. I shouldn't have. I never meant to make you feel used. You're still in my heart. I don't care what you could ever say to me. I will always see you as a friend. One of the most beautiful people I know. I will always be in great debt to you for the things I saw and learned before everything happened. I continue to admire you as a person. That will never change. Again though, I apologize for the pain I caused you.

I'm sorry if my messages have made you feel as ifi thought less of our friendship. I don't and didn't. It's just when you've tried to end it bc I'm in a relationship...

Idk. (Girl's Name) I never wanted to lose you and still don't. I have tried to respect your wishes though. I do love you. I also know that everything you've done with and for me couldn't have possibly JUST beenfor the romantic feelings you had for me. From your messages though, I wasn't sure if you knew it just yet. I know you have a huge heart. Also, I've seen how you are with your other friends that you love. I hope this message doesn't upset you further.

I'm sad about how things have ended up between us. I KNOW that what we had was amazing. I also really thought that I was open. I was more open with you than nearly anybody else I've ever called friend, and I did dissapear on (roommate's name) and continue to. Anyway, I'm not writing to excuse myself or anything like that. I don't know what to do. I want to tell you that I don't want to lose you! I've been wanting to. It's also selfish though. Even more selfish than letting you go if that's your wish, bc I know it's the right thing. Dude! You will always be seen as one I my best friends. I'm sorry if I didn't know how to love like you. I'm sorry if I didn't know how to treat you as you see fit. (Girl's name) I really am sorry. You don't know how many times I've wanted to share experiences with you. Events, failures. 
I miss my friend. I miss you damnit. I have never thought less of our friendship. Not even if you had feelings for me. Just that it made me more cautious, bc of the possibility of hurting you. Which, I did anyway! Idk


Then she replied how she basically thinks he is full of **** for saying it was one-sided and he says

"I don't even know what to say to you. Seriously. I'm sorry my message wasn't sophisticated enough. 
How about simple?.

Honest?

Ask me anything. I'll be honest.

I have a question for you....

What is the exact reason you give me such a damn hard time?

What else do you want me to call it?! 
I don't Honestly believe you hate me. 
I do ****ing love you. 
I do ****ing miss you. 
I do ****ing hate that I hurt you. 
I never meant to. I never "played" you either. 
I'm sorry if you think I did. 
As far as depth.... I don't care how you see me. I have always told you that I am this. Me. It's all I can be. I MYSELF don't even know what the **** it means. 
Vulnerability, I showed that when I picked up my phone to reply today. For you to say I undermined our relationship is bull****. I'm sorry if it felt that way to you. 
Let me try again

a) I don't really care what you think of me. 
b) I really wish you would stop having expectations on what I may or may not say.
c) you've treated me this way since that day that you stormed out of the apt. 
d) I do appreciate the times you've reached out to me in hard times.
e) seriously I don't ever know if you want me in your life or not. How about you let me know. 
I know I have my faults. I live with them.
I know that I don't know how to be the best of friends, in the way you think a friend should be. I may be a ****ty person in your book. In mine.... I don't even know where I stand. Is it really relevant though? I'm happy. I hope you are now too. Like I said before I do admire you. I don't know if I'll ever even really get you, if you let me though ill ****ing try. I always have. 
Regardless of anything I will always see you as one of my dearest friendships. Whether you like it or not. "


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

also, after asking repeatedly, he let me see her reply..which he never responded to (I checked) and then later she emailed him saying they probably would never agree on what they used to be but that she couldn't lose him and a year apart never changed that feeling and she was fine just being his friend from here on out. So then they started talking about every day stuff.

Her email: The night we slept together I asked you not to just use me. I don't care how horny you are, sleeping w someone who has real feelings for you when you don't reciprocate is not ok.

You probably don't even remember that night and how you told me you did have feelings for me and that you did like me U just weren't ready for a relationship. There was so much more but it doesn't matter now. 

But I know in my heart of hearts I didn't make this up. What we had was real and was in a fuzzy place more than friendship. But if it helps you to say I just walked away bc I got the wrong idea or I wasn't a real friend or just had some sad one sided crush, that's okay and I'll accept that. .. And I'll be that in your story.

What I can't do is lose all those beautiful memories of us and what it meant. No. So please do not ever try to steal those away from me again. They are all I have left and they're mine and I won't let you ruin them or have me think i never really knew you the way I knew you bc I did. 

And im so sorry I hurt you and im so sorry you miss me and im so sorry I've been a belligerent idiot via email ...-and im so sorry I pushed you to give more than you could. I am sorry for every time I failed you or was too hard on you. I am very sorry for all of that. More than you know. 

But ... What you just tried to take, you can't. I'd sooner admit myself into a mental hospital, which is probably where I should be if I am wrong anyway. And well **** that could very well be the case, it has crossed my mind, especially today. 

But I'd rather be insane and wrong than believe what you would have me believe. All we have in life is our instinct. I've learned to never betray mine. 

I didn't get where I have in life by listening when people told me a door was closed. I always saw cracks where the light shined thru and I see your light here through all these cracks in the story you'd have me buy into.

And YES its entirely likely and possible and probable and even almost guaranteed that im the crazy one. And I'm ok with that. I like my reality better. Even if it's not reality at all...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

stolennightcars said:


> UPDATE**** Hi everyone. I talked to my boyfriend gently like you all said and here is what happened. He finally admitted that sleeping with her wasn't the right thing to have done and accepting her lavish gifts (like a vehicle) wasn't right either; and he admits those things led her on, which he feels sorry for causing her pain in that way. He said for the night they slept together they had been fighting the entire night and drinking.
> 
> 
> He had flown to california to visit her and the last night there She, I guess, had confronted him saying she believed he loved her back, and he denied it and they fought a lot and both said really bad and mean things to each other. She was crying a lot and he said, he was so drunk he just figured the way to fix it would be to have sex. He admitted that she had told him as they started having sex "don't just use me" and that it haunted him a lot after.
> ...


:banghead: :banghead: :banghead:





stolennightcars said:


> ok he didn't defend me thats true, and that does bother me *but i can see how his guilt for leading her on made him not want to argue back with her.* I mean am I entirely delusional? Does this explanation not at add up?? She was in love w him, he accidentally led her on a few times, he accepted her gifts, she got the wrong idea, she met me and left his life, and it hurt him bc he never meant to lose a friend and then let her lash out at him a few times and btw he tells all his friends I love u.
> 
> I don't want you to sugar coat me, if you see a valid point that doesn't fit this explanation by all means.


I give up.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I can't see the images U attached :--(


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Dump this clown. This is nuts...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree. He has her on a pedestal. Stop torturing yourself.
This other woman is not going away any time soon. 
Give him an ultimatum. It's either you or her. 
And if it's you, he needs to cut all contact.
No exceptions. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sweetheart, he's using both of you. His words mean nothing. His actions mean everything. My feelings would be incredibly hurt if my boyfriend told his female friend that he still loved her, knowing that they were intimate with each other in the past. I would be doubly hurt if I knew she criticized my looks and he did not defend me and replied with, I still love you. That is some BS right there.. 

You are his plan B and you always will be. She is his number one. He is keeping you around while he tries to work things out with her. Can't you see that? Do you really want to live that way? 

You should be your boyfriend's number one lady. Don't settle for scraps.

I realize you are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Please, take the sage advice given to you here from others who have lived life longer and have some wisdom under their belts. This man will never, ever, be the man for you.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Sweetheart, he's using both of you. His words mean nothing. His actions mean everything. My feelings would be incredibly hurt if my boyfriend told his female friend that he still loved her, knowing that they were intimate with each other in the past. I would be doubly hurt if I knew she criticized my looks and he did not defend me and replied with, I still love you. That is some BS right there..
> 
> You are his plan B and you always will be. She is his number one. He is keeping you around while he tries to work things out with her. Can't you see that? Do you really want to live that way?
> 
> ...


 I'd say after reading those emails that He is "number one" ,best friend number 2, and OP number 3, in his mind. Cake eater extraordinaire.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

True. Can't argue with that. Reminds me of pieohmy's situation.

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

You're not crazy. What you ARE, however, is wasting your time.

Also, she's an ivy leaguer with 2 degrees, a Fulbright scholar, makes enough money to buy this dude a truck, is beautiful, not crazy, AND is a successful artist? :surprise:

Other people here have been blunt, so it's my turn. WTF are you doing with this guy? He can't give you 100% of his attention, for starters. You know that when you love somebody, that's what you DO. You don't divide your attention between your gf/bf and somebody else.

And second, one-sided relationships should never, never, never happen. Even if he was single, he shouldn't be doing that to her. The only reason she's still hanging around is because he's letting her. That should not be happening. You don't lead somebody on like that. Even if he's told her he's not interested in her, his actions speak otherwise. Hell, his WORDS say otherwise ("I love you"). What the hell is she supposed to think?

Honestly, he's a d-bag, and he likes the attention he's getting. He's got two women fighting over him. That inflates one's ego. You haven't said much about yourself, but frankly, the fact that he's turning away a beautiful, extremely well-educated and successful woman who's hounding after him probably makes him feel REAL good about himself.

My advice - if you ever find yourself in competition for somebody else's attention, walk away and end that competition once and for all. A serious relationship includes two people, and no more than that. This one has three, and shows no signs of ever NOT being three. Let the next girl he dates contend with Ms. Universe.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think it's probably possible, in theory, to "accidentally" lead another person on briefly. But that is _not _what your boyfriend has been doing. Even if he wasn't aware of it at first, he certainly is now, and yet he keeps on doing it. 

No one spends years communicating with a woman and professing love for her accidentally. No one accidentally accepts gifts - apparently quite a number of them, of quite high value - from someone. And absolutely no one, ever, has accidentally had sex with another person. He didn't just trip and land with his penis in her vagina. That, and all the rest, is a _choice_ he made. One he seems to keep making. 

He has been leading her on. And he's been doing it for a long time. He is still leading her on. He may be telling her "no" but all his actions say "yes". Because he likes getting gifts, getting attention, getting his ego stroked by her. He enjoys the drama that his relationship with her brings into his life. And it's highly likely that he enjoys the game of having this smart, beautiful, successful woman chase him while he dances out of reach. That's a mind game of the worst sort. He sounds like a narcissist.

OP, did you like that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you first saw the emails where she was saying nasty stuff about you and he told her he loved her anyway? Do you really want to have that feeling in the pit of your stomach off and on, but mostly on, for the rest of your life? If not, then you need to break up with this guy and get on with the process of building a great life for yourself without him. If you are okay with feeling like that all the time, then I respectfully suggest that you need to get into therapy to figure out why you don't think you deserve better.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I know right . Isn't she just annoying successful?! I didn't think those type of people were *actually* out there. Apparently the fulbright is to study at the best art school in the world. And I did some research bc it all seemed so fishy to me but ... No sadly it checks out... They are also from the same poor hometown and like have this huge stupid bond over it. Apparently she feels really low about herself often. Like how ?wtf . Like ugh this morning (I am just reading your messages now and didn't get to talk to my bf) I saw him on his phone forever and he told me she was feeling really depressed and he was writing her ughhhh.
Me. Idk some courses in a community college like my bf but no degree. I work at a dog grooming place . Still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

You are provably very right that having a woman like that come after him raises his ego. I can really see that and it made soooo much sense once u said it. I think his feelings for her are probably real tho... Sadly ugh... He just seems to me to be both inflated by this woman and also feeling like not good enough. And me well? I make him feel good enough... And inflate his ego. And don't threaten him. 
Or ask much in return unlike her who is always on his ass when he is a jerk ...
Wow...I see it now


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Does it make you feel good to know this guy is using you for his own ego gratification?

Do you think that is how someone shows you he loves you?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I really hope you do see it.
You cannot let anyone put you second.
You said you read that email...that email to me reads as a lover who is sort of letting their girlfriend down but leaves the door wide open in case he needs to jump back in.
You said this morning he was right back at emailing her to make her feel better.
Did he do anything to make you feel better about what's happening? 
I think we all see what is right in front of you because of experience. Maybe you need to continue in with this relationship so you gain those experiences but it would be wasted time.
I would go overseas and put this relationship on hold. Grow up a bit...meet new people. Figure out what you like and who you are really are.
You will most likely meet someone who Treats you how you deserve to be treated and opens your eyes wide to what we have been trying to say.



Sent from my iPhone


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah so he gave her his audiobook account info and told her to buy any books she wants on him bc she's depressed . And wants to read them w her while he's at work . And sent her a pic of him at work. We are done ski that is not just s friend


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Was it a new truck or a used truck?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

A used truck cost like 3k I think? I had to check his email bc if we are done i want to know at least the truth. They are keeping it friendly but already like twenty emails back and forth today and he told her he is proud of her and told her all he has time for these days is work gym and sleep. IE diminishing the time he spends w me and letting her know that . Don't u think? 

I think they both get an ego stroke out of it. They clearly have some kinda dance going on . Why the won't just get together is beyond me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Rowan said:


> OP, I think it's probably possible, in theory, to "accidentally" lead another person on briefly. But that is _not _what your boyfriend has been doing. Even if he wasn't aware of it at first, he certainly is now, and yet he keeps on doing it.
> 
> No one spends years communicating with a woman and professing love for her accidentally. No one accidentally accepts gifts - apparently quite a number of them, of quite high value - from someone. And absolutely no one, ever, has accidentally had sex with another person. He didn't just trip and land with his penis in her vagina. That, and all the rest, is a _choice_ he made. One he seems to keep making.
> 
> ...


^^^^^ THIS. EXACTLY THIS. What Rowan said. ^^^^^

OP, People aren't being hard on you just to be "mean" - you gave us a scenario and asked our opinion. We're all trying to give you an honest answer but it's not the answer you were hoping to hear, so you're arguing with us and feeling like we're picking on you.

Your BF *did* use this other woman, and he *has *been leading her on. Like Rowan said, he probably loves the ego stroking attention (and stuff) he's gotten from her.

None of this is that remarkable or atypical for a guy in his 20's. But if you are thinking "this guy may be the one" trust us please when we say - if his character doesn't change a whole bunch overnight, you will be a bitter, sad, jealous, neglected woman some day if you end up marrying this guy.

I only wish they had the internet and advice forums like this when I was your age. Of course knowing me at that age, I probably would not have listened either.

Look - you're going to do what you're going to do. But hopefully you will look at your BF with open eyes from here on out. And ask yourself questions like "Do I want to be committed to spending the rest of my life with a person who will insist on maintaining friendships/connections that make me uncomfortable?"

He has an answer for everything, and you want peace and harmony to return to your life. But there are some things, like letting her insult you and not defending you, for which there is no acceptable answer. Period. The only acceptable answer is that he change. And you'll only know if he's changed over time. 

At this moment, he's a player, he likes attention from other women which is high risk for becoming a cheater, and he's selfish, self-indulgent, and unwilling to care for your feelings (he explains his behavior instead of changing it).

Regarding the pictures and paintings - Now that all this drama over him and this woman has entered your relationship, is he still displaying those pictures? Surely he's had some memorable moments in his life that he can display that don't involve her. I'm not saying shred the pics, but I sure as hell would never display a picture in my home that involved another man that made my husband uncomfortable.

Same with the stupid paintings -- Put them in storage. Or give them back to her to make up for what she spent on the truck hen never should have accepted. I'm not saying burn the paintings, but there's no reason to display them if he has them up on the wall. That is a slap in your face. There are millions of artists, there's no way he NEEDS to be displaying her paintings (if he is) just because he "likes" them and they're valuable.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Yeah I just don't know if he is straight up using her or using her and has real feelings for her . I can't handle the idea of him listening to audiobooks w her. Going to tell him in person when I see him it's over that it's Her or me 

I also don't like that he didn't reply to her email insisting they were more than friends. I feel like that is a silent way of kind of agreeing or letting it stay that way instead of taking that time to explain how she got confused and how sorry he is.

Do u think he has real feelings for her. I can accept now that she is probably number one over me


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stolennightcars said:


> Do u think he has real feelings for her?





stolennightcars said:


> They clearly have some kinda dance going on .


You answered your own questions. Yes, they clearly have an emotional bond, very strong. Maybe not romantic love but more than brother/sister love. 

It is possible that their feelings will transcend any relationship that each of them has with other people, meaning that others will come and go but their connection will continue.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I broke it off, he stormed off and told me i was crazy and that she was just a friend. I told him I didn't like how she was accessing his audiobooks and how much they were talking and how she goes to him for comfort when she's depressed when that isn't his job and why are all her paintings up, and why won't he reply to her email where she insists they were more than friends. 

He pulled the whole, I don't want to hurt her thing again. Or why he doesn't post any pics of us on his social media account, not once, in a year. Or why he would say he loved her, in a romantic ways, when he only meant it in a friend way, and how I don't say that to my guy friends I have slept with, much less one that was openly in love with me. and How would he feel if I did? Why does he agree to speak to her on the terms that He cannot even mention my name or refer to me even as a friend?? She literally told him, she isn't ready to hear about me, even if he phrases it "my friend and i". 

I told him he wants to make it seem one sided but it clearly isn't. She clearly has a reason to come back, he puts her on a pedestal and she KNOWS it and she USES it --just like he uses her back. I told him it felt like he was just passing time with me while trying to build something long lasting with her and that it seemed like that was the plan BOTH of them have. and it isn't fair to their significant others. 

BTW, he has only known her one more year longer than I have known him, and he has hardly seen her, much less practically live with her...like he has with me. They just had I guess a lot of important moments together (traveling everywhere) and moved really fast into an intense "best friend" situation. Apparently on their first date that's when they planned their first trip to spain and nyc?! Like who does that?? He acts like she is some part of his childhood or something crucial like that but they really haven't known each other that long. I can't compete with a girl like that, and she knows that. and so does he. the only person who didn't was me. 

I had to check her social media and she posted this song: 
you and I blurred lines, we come together every time, 
two wrongs, no rights. we lose ourselves at night. 
from the outside everyone must be wondering why we try
why do we try
baby in our wildest moments we could be the greatest
baby in our wildest moments we could the worst of all
wherever there is smoke there will be soon be fire,
I've been looking at you too hard. 
We walk the line, looking back I miss it. Our wildest moments.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

stolennightcars said:


> I broke it off,


Good girl. Now BLOCK them both on social media, and on your phone. 

Take some time for you and then move on. You've done the right thing for you - if you don't respect yourself honey no one else will.

You go girl!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stolennightcars said:


> Why does he agree to speak to her on the terms that He cannot even mention my name or refer to me even as a friend?? She literally told him, she isn't ready to hear about me, even if he phrases it "my friend and i".


 Many couple do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF). Those that do allow for OSF have a number of standard boundaries. The top one is that you cannot have an OSF that is not a friend of your relationship. Since she will not even let him mention your name, he is breaking this boundary big time as she is not only not a friend of your relationship, but is openly hostile to you and your relationship. BTW this is all on him, since he is the one bound to enforce this boundary, not her.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> but why would i be headed for a world of hurt? Do you think he would ever leave her for me? If that were the case, why date me at the start at all? He didn't have to come find me, he didn't have to commit to me.


He doesn't need to leave you for her if you're okay with his having her as another girlfriend.

In other words, he is what people here call a "cake eater", as in "having his cake and eating it too". The way he sees it, why should he choose between you and her if he can have both of you?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

yeah well her head is so far up there b/c he lets her and he encourages it and he even *likes* it. He does put on her a pedestal, talks about how amazing and inspiring she is, how much he respects her, and he comforts the wounds he gives her. It's just so clear he would do anything to keep her. Idk why i didn't see it before. I just wish she had stayed true to her word and never spoke to him again like she said she would...


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Good for you.
I agree, guys like this crave the attention like a drug. You'd be dealing with something else very soon even if he did agree to break off his relationship with her.
My advice. Take a night...allow yourself to do the wallow thing...it's part of healing and then pick yourself up and get back out there. Focus on you and teaching overseas. 
Don't let him come to you with excuses and try to patch things up. Stand your ground. 



Sent from my iPhone


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Good on you! He's throwing a pity party because half of his cake is now gone.

Super proud of you. Don't take him back if he comes sniffing around. Stay strong. Be proud of yourself and stand tall!

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just let him go hun, emotionally. You're wasting your precious time and energy even caring or getting mad. They will end up together, I guarantee it, but so what? They'll finally discover that the reality of one another is nothing compared to the fantasy they'd built together. But you'll be too busy with your life to care. 

Believe me, time is the most precious commodity that you can never replenish. Once it's gone, it's gone. Spend it wisely and with a person that adores you. Spend it focusing on your dreams and on the man you also adore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He does not deserve you. Or her. Or anyone else, for that matter. Not until he can get cured of his illness. The Latin name of which is Avarus crustulam orci morbus. (Greedy cake eater/consumer disease.)

I am working from home today at my side job, my client has not answered my calls so I am answering surveys on Swagbucks and using Google translate to invent diseases to describe what cheaters do.

Great life, this, I can get used to it!:smthumbup:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

sapientia said:


> *Ask any of the TAM guys here, they would take a woman like this^ over a high-maintenance drama queen,* which she is, any day.


Very true. :smile2:


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Long time lurker here. 

Here is my take on the situation and I hope it makes sense. Have you seen the movie "one day"? they kind of remind me of that. The irresponsible young boy who rebels and has fun and uses girls, and his best friend, while he grows up. She, hopelessly in love w him, waiting for him to grow up and admit how he feels, and dealing w the likes of you. 

Not saying any of it is ok, but they clearly have something that they are building, that seems by all likelihood to outlive you, or ANYONE else for that matter. 

I think, in a way, he is even testing her, testing how much crap she will take. You were the first big test and for a while she left him hanging at his own game....but he continued to pursue her. You see that don't you? That HE pursued HER? You are right, she should've stuck to her guns, and if he hadn't done anything, if he had let her go, like he even admits is the right thing to do, she wouldn't be back. HE wanted this. 

I venture to say he will do anything to not lose her again. and I think..if she can accept you and what he did to her, how he led her on and used her, and still come back, then she will most likely do anything to not lose him again...

All of which is VERY bad news for you. RUN RUN RUN!!! 

You said they own property together and were working together on all these great plans? Um...does he invite you to own property with him?? How easily has he given you those things he gave her? You get to have the title she yearns for, but sweetie...she has the rest. You're like the face of the company, while she's the actual CEO. 

Also to answer some questions, YES he is diminishing the time he spends w you, and letting her know that. YES he is basically accepting what she demands, that they were more than friends and that there was something real there. Bc there WAS. That's clear. You don't have to be there to know that. 

i do think he was probably intimidated by her success, as much as he was drawn to it. Like, here is this exciting girl, who is like no one else, right they have these adventures, BUT she also has a future he doesn't, she also has options he doesn't, she lives in exciting worldy cities, and she emasculates him by getting him all these gifts. She does things for him he can never do for her. So his ego deflates and he feels unworthy. So in comes you. That might show her that he is in demand, that he is something SHE can't have. and that thrills him. He is making her pay for how insecure he feels around her. 

He's just very immature. U asked if his feelings for her are real. Ask yourself, if he just a very huge user ...and even if he is...why would he have sex w her? even if he is...why would he continue to chase her when she was saying horrible things about BOTH OF YOU? That doesn't appeal to a user. 

You see when she sent him those ugly messages, he did not, for ONE second look at it and consider how much that would hurt you. Or how upset he was at her. Do you know what he saw? in those terrible messages? A glimmer of hope. Because she still cared. That is ALL he saw, I promise you that. That is why he replied with, I still love you. 

I am so sorry they (or really he) threw you into this twisted game. I am glad u got out.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Stellafeller said:


> Here is my take on the situation and I hope it makes sense. Have you seen the movie "one day"? they kind of remind me of that. The irresponsible young boy who rebels and has fun and uses girls, and his best friend, while he grows up. She, hopelessly in love w him, waiting for him to grow up and admit how he feels, and dealing w the likes of you.


 The premise of your post is based on the first part of your post (quoted above) that they met while he was an "irresponsible young boy" and that she waited "for him to grow up and admit how he feels" about her. The problem with this theory is that "They actually met at a club" as adults, and that they have not really know each other that long.


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_ Ok 
I As a man was not nearly grown up at 25 and they 
Met when he was 23 . And that's a one year difference
From the movie. And it's clear those two aren't 
Going to stop
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

....anddddd she invited him to London...
...and a CD arrived for him in the mail along w T-shirts from the production company she works for, all our friends are wearing them

i know all this bc of mutual friends, like I said, disconnecting will be pretty much impossible. BLAH


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Well guess who came begging for me back. He told me he was done w her and that she clearly had feelings for him that he felt were inappropriate. That he only wanted me.... After some digging tho I found out it was she who "dumped" him and their fake friendship.

She said she couldn't pretend like they were just friends and that he shouldn't ask her to do that and she knew herself and if she kept going down this road she would be the one to get hurt again . He showed me her email to show that he was serious about how she wouldn't be around anymore at all...

I know all of yiu think I am crazy and I am better off ... But I love him very very much. As much as this girl does and she won't be in the picture anymore ... So part of me feels like problem solved ... And I miss him so so much


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just so long as you are aware that the next girl who plys him with ego kibbles will have you running this circus, again. He isn't so stupid that he didn't know she cared for him - he just used her. Is this the type of man you want? Plus, he lied to you about who broke it off. A user and a liar - yep, he's a fine catch. Any apologies from him?

Not to mention the huge amount of disrespect he dumped on you. Think better of yourself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> After some digging tho I found out it was she who "dumped" him and their fake friendship.
> 
> she won't be in the picture anymore ... So part of me feels like problem solved ...


No. Problem not solved. She dumped him, so he's going to Plan B; you. You really want to be second fiddle?

Listen, she and he are an unrequited love. It ain't over. By a long shot. You really think love can be erased in a single break up email?

Don't take him back. You'll be miserable. If she didn't break up with him, he'd still be at her beck and call and accepting those lavish gifts-gifts that you, as his gf, should be giving him.

Do you still have those damning emails of their "love" exchange? Read those again. That ought to snap you back to your senses.

Be strong. 



Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You'll get back together with him and soon after she'll have a change of heart, then he won't be able to not talk to her because they're best buddies, and you'll be right back where you started when you came here. If you enjoy torturing yourself ,then by all means ,take him back. Go find someone worthy of your love and don't waste anymore of it on this douche.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sounds like you are rewriting "My Best Friend's Wedding". In real life, the guy doesn't drop the old friend, he just comes to some enormous 'realisation' later on down the track that she was the 'love of his life' and he's sorry, but 'you can't help who you love'. Blah blah blah. You have a steam roller coming towards you, you might want to get out of the way.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

See you in 6 months, stolen.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

What does that mean satya? 

And omg will this forum make up its mind. Was he just using her for his gratification slash attention or is she the love of his life

I haven't told him yes yet btw but I also don't think that girl will be back this time, and no he doesn't flirt w any other girls fyi and he gets a lot of attention bc he is very hot and very built just saying.


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Case in point, I saw this quote just now and it reminded me of you and your situation.

"You can't compete with a woman a man won't leave alone"

Done. That's all you need to know honey. Using her or not, he won't leave her alone, you said so yourself, even he admits to pursuing this "friendship" with her, even when she was cussing him AND you out. He kept coming around didn't he. U think he would do that to you if you pulled the crap she did?? Something tells me NO. Something tells me if you spoke one word badly about her, he would turn on YOU.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I also didn't get to tell the whole story yesterday I guess bc I was still processing and wanted to keep it to myself for a little bit...

but she ended it, whatever it was, friendship or more. To me like a really really intimate friendship that was emotional but not sexual? Anyway!

She said u know that she couldn't wait around for him and as long as he was in her life, she could see herself throwing away years like that, I may have told u guys that already, but then she said that If he ever did want to make an honest go of things, that the door was open, but it meant that only she could be in a relationship w him, and that he could move to london w her and tour europe w her, but only if he wanted her and not just the experience of living abroad.

I'm a bit stunned that she offered him a relationship and to move in w her! In london no less. Like...he works in construction in texas...he hates his job and all and Im afraid of the glamor of the option...that said he never replied, and he tried to get me back which says something. Says he picked me over london and paris and rome. and HER.

Also PS. she didn't know I had ended it with him when she offered this, bc of her whole crazy, u can't mention your gf to me rule


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

spinsterdurga said:


> Um no... It says that he went back to his plan B who has a low self esteem


How Am I a plan B if she is offering Plan A on a platter??

I mean, all i can think is what I would do if I were him, and if SHE were the love of my life and she offered me this amazing thing on a silver platter and said ok lets stop messing around, I am done hooking up and partying--nothing makes me forget you, I want something with you and I want you to come have this amazing experience with me, I would take it in a heartbeat.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> he works in construction in texas...he hates his job and all and Im afraid of the glamor of the option...that said he never replied


That you know of. He could have a totally different email addy or an IM app on his phone that you don't know about. Hell, I have 3 email addys. 

Didn't you say he felt like he wasn't good enough for her? That might be the reason he's kept her at arm's length. So, he sets his sights on you. Sheesh, thanks for the backhanded compliment? What does that say about how he thinks about you? That you're as low-rent as he he feels inside? Yikes.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> That you know of. He could have a totally different email addy or an IM app on his phone that you don't know about. Hell, I have 3 email addys.
> 
> Didn't you say he felt like he wasn't good enough for her? That might be the reason he's kept her at arm's length. So, he sets his sights on you. Sheesh, thanks for the backhanded compliment? What does that say about how he thinks about you? That you're as low-rent as he he feels inside? Yikes.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk



Ok yeah...I mean maybe? I don't see why he would say YES to her in a different email (that would sketch her out) and then also chase me too? I guess time will definitely tell, if in this fall he boards a plane to london we will all know, ha... 

Also he isn't acting like an elated man that is about to go abroad w the love of his life, he is down/moody/stressed. 

I am so so confused. If he loves her like some here say, I don't get it. I myself wouldn't hide from love and if I had an opportunity like that, I would DEFINITELY not hide, esp if i was the using type!! which u all seem to unanimously agree he is...

Can u all at least see how i am confused and how these competing theories do not add up here?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've made up your mind - you're staying with him. See you in 6 months.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You've made up your mind - you're staying with him. See you in 6 months.


No I haven't and I probably won't. But what i do know is if i don't understand the situation, it will haunt me and I will not be able to move on. I did what u guys said and left him and it was the right thing, but if I can't make sense of this, sooner or later, i will backslide. I DONT want to do that. Can you at least understand that? 

Sometimes the pure confusion is so much that it just drives u crazy and your mind runs in circles. I don't want that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Try this on for size - your boyfriend is just plain lazy. He was too lazy to commit to the other woman and he was too lazy to tell you the truth. He's too lazy to go to London and since you're here and all he'll just snuggle up with you, again. He's lazy and you're Plan B.

You do realize that you can't get rational from an irrational person?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I get that you want answers and you want to understand. I would, too. But as a fave blogger of mine says, "quit trying to unravel the skein of f*ckedupness." Sometimes you just have to accept it at face value.

Bottom line: he hasn't treated you as his number one. And as long as rich girl is breathing, it'll always be that way - there will be 3 of you in your relationship. Remember-theirs is an unrequited love.

Look up a certain poster here, pieohmy. While she has a huge host of issues in her marriage, the first post I remember quite clearly- her husband has an old unrequited crush on a friend. Read her thread called am I overreacting? That might give you insight of where you'll be in the future if you take him back.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I get that you want answers and you want to understand. I would, too. But as a fave blogger of mine says, "quit trying to unravel the skein of f*ckedupness." Sometimes you just have to accept it at face value.
> 
> Bottom line: he hasn't treated you as his number one. And as long as rich girl is breathing, it'll always be that way - there will be 3 of you in your relationship. Remember-theirs is an unrequited love.
> 
> ...




Ok so I just looked up unrequited because everyone mentions it and it says a love that is not returned. So you believe he doesn't return the love? I took it kind of to mean they both love each other but for whatever reason can't be together. Sorry just want clarification. Then i will stop asking questions i promise lol


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

and yes a big part why i don't want to get back w him is to be "that" girl. His back up, I mean she had enough self worth to not let him pull this and she wasn't even his girlfriend!! What does that say about me...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

stolennightcars said:


> Ok so I just looked up unrequited because everyone mentions it and it says a love that is not returned. So you believe he doesn't return the love? I took it kind of to mean they both love each other but for whatever reason can't be together. Sorry just want clarification. Then i will stop asking questions i promise lol


You are correct in the definition: perhaps I'm using it too loosely and for that I apologise. But it also means that person will never know what it's like to have an open, loving relationship with that person. In my mind, it's unfinished business.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Ok I get what u mean . That they will both feel haunted by it in the years to come despite whoever doesn't want who now or atm for whatever reason. Most likely fear and insecurity from him? That's the closest thing to a understanding as I can get. That he's a little boy afraid of this woman but also not wanting to lose her so she can be there waiting for him whenever he IS ready and in the meantime I am there to inflate his ego. 

Do I about have it ?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

stolennightcars said:


> Ok I get what u mean . That they will both feel haunted by it in the years to come despite whoever doesn't want who now or atm for whatever reason. Most likely fear and insecurity from him? That's the closest thing to a understanding as I can get. That he's a little boy afraid of this woman but also not wanting to lose her so she can be there waiting for him whenever he IS ready and in the meantime I am there to inflate his ego.
> 
> Do I about have it ?


 Sounds like you've got the gist of it but to be honest you're way over thinking it. He treated you poorly with no respect for how you felt, over stepped boundaries many times, and lied to you. Why do you need anymore reason than that to kick him to the curb and move on?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I will say something that is a bit different.

I think the two of them are a train wreck of a relationship. Your bf is a 25-yo construction worker without a college education and she is a 30-yo Ivy Leaguer (two degrees, you say) who has been working in CA and is now in London on a Fulbright. Your bf hung out with her and her friends and felt uncomfortably inadequate - his words.

I don't believe there is any way that these two completely incompatible people could ever make a go of it (except in a Hollywood rom com). They have nothing in common but their lust for one another. (And if he isn't feeling the lust for her romantically, he's attracted to the big deal that she represents.)

I think you're a much better match for him. I also think that you shouldn't accept a back seat. If you get back together with him, tell him he has to be all in and you're not going to listen to anymore sh!t about Miss Wonderful. If he starts in again, dump him for good. (You're young and he won't be the man you settle down with. You want him to be that for you now, but the chances are close to 100% that he won't be. That doesn't mean you can't be in love now, though.)

Anyway, he was right to feel 'wrong' when he was with her and her friends. He and she don't suit. Stop being so threatened by her and start worrying about what you deserve for yourself and your future.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

oh wow. Look I am not exactly rooting for them to be together but I don't think the moral here is that she is out of his league and therefore he should be settling for me. They both clearly have some connection, and share the same group of friends in Texas at least (granted not at her school) and her family adores him and vice versa, so I don't see that, plus I don't think couples are always paired like that anyway

i mean love doesn't make sense. I could end up falling for a Harvard Doctor, I would hope people wouldn't be telling him that we don't suit up and that I should go make it with someone of my "level" or something.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You won't know what it's like to be the only one for your partner with this person. It means having no doubt, having no competition and feeling totally secure in your relationship. Some ppl can offer that and I'd take that over a pretty face and a toned bod any day.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I got him to post a video w me on Facebook, about me fundraising for abroad, us all lovey dovey, me kissing all over him, set to public so the MISS UNIVERSE Can see it. I wonder how she will feel about THAT for HIS REPLY to london 

Apparently she's really depressed like badly, so hopefully she sees this and just removes herself from the equation. Permanently. from this earth. 

hahahaha and no i haven't taken him back, I am making him work for it


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA She deactivated her Facebook


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If there is one thing I learned directly from TAM is that OSF are not worth the drama and risk it brings to committed relationships.

OP, if you don't realize this now you will eventually but you need to have self-respect. Your boyfriend made you an option. He knew the relationship with her would hurt you. That is all you need to know as to how you should proceed. You had justifiable reasons for suspicion and jealousy. 

Learn to have boundaries that you don't let someone break. Until you learn to not be a doormat and stand up for yourself this won't be the last time you encounter such behavior from people in your life. 

Dump this guy. You will save yourself heartache and wasted time.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

stolennightcars said:


> I got him to post a video w me on Facebook, about me fundraising for abroad, us all lovey dovey, me kissing all over him, set to public so the MISS UNIVERSE Can see it. I wonder how she will feel about THAT for HIS REPLY to london
> 
> Apparently she's really depressed like badly, so hopefully she sees this and just removes herself from the equation. Permanently. from this earth.
> 
> hahahaha and no i haven't taken him back, I am making him work for it


And there it is. I've been wondering what there is about this situation that's keeping you in it. This post answers that question for me. 

On some level, you enjoy the degree of drama inherent in this situation. You enjoy competing with this woman. You feel validated by "winning" this man from her. Just as your boyfriend seems to feel validated by having an educated, accomplished, successful woman chasing him, you seem to find validation in winning something that educated, accomplished, successful woman clearly wants. And you really seem to love getting to rub the other woman's face in your relationship in a public way. 

I honestly wonder if you would be quite so drawn to your boyfriend if the relationship was drama-free. After all this, would you want him quite so much if she didn't?


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I mean I take pleasure in scaring off someone who is trying to take what is mine...yes it's far more empowering than watching it happen


Fact of the matter is he chose ME. He wants ME. Over Paris and London and Rome and HER. The sooner she realizes that for good the better. I want Her totslly out of the picture . Forever


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Uh no stolen. Take it from someone who Wasted yearsssss with the wrong girl all the while loving from a distance my own Harvard miss universe. 

He chose to SETTLE (you) he chose to be a scared little boy . I can assure you no matter where in the world she is globetrotting and how far removed she is from his life, as long as she is in his heart, there will always be three of you in this relationship. 

People value what they fight for. What they miss and don't have. She isn't making it easy on him, she's making him assess his entire life right now. And she's maintaining her respect and distance bc she refuses to play second fiddle (even tho lets be honest dear she is first fiddle) 

And you are just handing him you on a (faux)silver platter and making sappy videos on FACEBOOK to reassure yourself ... Geeeeee I wonder who he respects more *eyeroll*


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

I have another saying for you. A real lady knows when to walk away. You should Take a cue from the real lady here ;-)


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

One last thing since you can't get it through your head the why. Bc to you you would jump at a chance to be w someone like this. 

I can't express to you the unreal amount of insecurity that follows loving a strong successful woman like this. I am a confident man w my own Ivy league degree (tho not from Harvard which she would frequently remind me of) and I still ran from her like a scared little boy. 

Sadly there is a reason why these beautiful smart fierce women are single and its bc the men that love then cannot compete. Being a man and feeling like U should be able to provide for her but she needs nothing from you... She if anything takes care of you... For a person that isn't secure enough in themselves it is unbearable.

If i could go back to ten years ago I would. In a heartbeat . But I can't. And he is my ten years ago now. I know he's an ******* and I was too... Big time but my heart does sort of go out to him... I'll be killed in this blog for saying that tho ..


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

If it drives U crazy imagine how much it drives miss universe crazy. For him to pick this kinda girl. I know bc I did the exact thing. Dumped her and went for the small town girl from Indiana wo any education and moveD in w her immediately . Drove her insane . I too got crazy emails from her in the middle of the night . And I still loved her too and i too sent her romantic things and she was only 45 minutes from me but I still ... She could've been across the world ... That's how far I was from her.

Btw small town girl left me while I was at work and took all my money . Served me right. I learned a VERY hard lesson there. I knew that all this time the real girl I had feared ... That she would never have betrayed me like that ... And by the time I found that out and tried to get her back, it was too late ... A lady knows when to leave ...

At first small town girl looked up to me .. The way any girl I had dated always had.. The way I thoight s girl ought to . Harvard girl demanded so much of me that it was exhausting always failing her ... And I liked it a lot ...the looking up.. But then she stopped looking up w admiration.. And I stopped seeing a girl who admired me and just daw someone who wasn't where my heart lay. and we resented eachother. And then she saw through me entirely and left me. And I realized then that harvard girl had always seen though me. She knew my BS but she loved me anyway and she loved me enough to call me out on it. She didn't stop loving me for all my faults . She stayed w me and loved me anyway... Hard hard lesson to learn ...


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Btw my girl ended up w a tall handsome ripped harvard educated neurosurgeon . Yes really. They exist. And yes it drove me insane. But he was the better man...


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Also harvard girl wanted me to go w her on her year abroad to Spain . And unlike you I wasn't thinking about the glitz and glamour of an opportunity like that... I was thinking what in the heck am I going to do in Spain? While she and all her snooty friends are studying and being amazing... I'll be home like the kept man... And how will I fit into that group much less Spain all together?!? I bolted. 

Im telling U the similarities here are eerie


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Ok one last thing U asked if he was just using her or had feelings for her . I can promise if he were using her he would be on that next flight. She hands down offers more than U can . But he didn't . That is basically nonsensical, what user turns down a trip abroad w a girl he genuinely enjoys the company of ? 

His not going is basically confirmation of his feelings FOR her. Not the opposite sweerheart . Sorry (not sorry) I kinda don't like U ... Js 

But I do hope for the best for you and everyone involved .... Especially her tho haha but as all my scorned exes will tell you...I am team harvard girl till death.

How do you think girls like that get so successful ? Bc they take chances and throw it all on the line and love hard and have integrity and never give up--EVER. U said yourself she is self made and he is always going on about how he admires her. He sees that. He sees everything I am telling you and he damn well sees that both you and he don't have that. Let me ask you, how many times has he lashed out at you for what seems like your only offense is not being her?? Yeah... U should talk to my exes here. They will talk your ear off all about how I punished them for not being her... Sigh . Live and learn .


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Does anyone else agree with Stellafellers read? 


Thanks for the advice or insight Stellafeller, sorry you had to learn such a lesson the hard way. Sounds like she also got greatly hurt too..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know. It was hard to get through his threadjacking but at least he got to tell the story of Harvard Girl. His is a story of insecurities and lost opportunities and shacking up with a non-competitive girl to feed him ego kibbles.

You have known your bf longer than London girl. Maybe bf has insecurities, too. Rely on what happened in your relationship and what you know to be true.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

My first thought was that ms. Wonderful was groveling and that is anything but attractive but then I read all of what Stella wrote and I think he hit the nail on the head. She was very honest, vulnerable and open. That's s positive. He played his usual game so she retreated again. That does show her strength and self respect. 

I'm sorry. This woman isn't necessarily "better" or more attractive than you. She has her faults just like the rest of us. She's not perfect none of us are. She is not winning here and neither are you. Move on. someone will love you for who you are and put you as number 1- that's where you deserve to be. This isn't worth the headache or the risk. Put your heart first and let him go.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

His interest, their exchanges, the level of involvement he wants to have in her life....that's more than friendship. Why doesn't he or is he this involved and engaged with you ... Your feelings, your life/ issues/ problems?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that your BF is likely stringing you both along, planning on making the winner his "Plan A," with the loser delegated to "Plan B" status!

Judging solely by your side of the story, I'd be forced to say that by his actions, you are definitely in the later!

If he's worth it, stand up for yourself and make hard demands of him! If he is not, which is what I personally think, he's given you ample cause to give him the air!

The ultimate choice is yours!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"His not going is basically confirmation of his feelings FOR her. Not the opposite sweerheart . Sorry (not sorry) I kinda don't like U ... Js"

Maybe her bf was wondering "what the heck am I going to do in London, Paris, Rome?". You did not consider your feelings for your gf - all you considered was your own comfort. 

BTW, there was no call to tell the OP that you 'kinda' don't like her. She hasn't done anything to you. It's no wonder that you have a string of ex's - you're a bit of a hard pill to swallow. I doubt that Miss Harvard even remembers your name. Cowards are easy to forget.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You've been together a year. Show him this thread. I'd love to get his reaction to it.


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Blondilocks, I have owned that I was a coward and I regret it a lot. I am sorry I highjacked but I kept thinking of similarities and she clearly wanted some insight into what her boyfriend might be thinking over the usual "just leave him" advice. So I was trying to give her my two cents.

As for not liking her, did you or anyone else miss where she basically wished this other woman dead?! Said she hoped she would kill herself?? The other woman got played (they both are being played) but the other woman walked away, not once but twice, she wasn't trying to hurt this girl, whereas this girl is now CLEARLY trying to hurt her instead of doing the honorable thing and walking away from the situation. 

And you are right i thought of my own comfort bc I was selfish and stupid back then. I own my faults and I have paid dearly.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

No offense to Stella but I do think your boyfriend is s coward in the way he described. And Stella, blondilocks idls right in that there was no need to insult the OP....it was cold, biased and uncalled for.


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

I openly acknowledged it was biased, but cmon, wishing a already depressed girl dead? Maybe put that anger where it really belongs


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I dont take offense I am really just glad you took the time to write out what his thinking might be and it did help give me mental peace of mind, which no one really got that I needed to be able to move on. I just felt like if i couldnt make sense of his motivations, eventually I would buy into the idea that he wanted me over that girl and over all her glory--like some fairytale or something. Even tho that didn't add up. If people here agree with your theory, and I kind of do too, then it is something I can make sense out of and it gives me peace.

and you are right I should not have wished a already depressed girl dead. I love my ex still and she did alot to make him happy and take care of him before I came along, and she did do nothing to me, in fact if anything she gave me the year I had with him.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I must have missed that. I don't see where the OP wished her dead. I see the the OP being confused trying to figure things out. If anything she has been very complimentary to the other woman. 

People assign value in different ways. We don't all equate high level education/ income potential / etc ....with a persons worth. In fact I can say the opposite for many people I know who hold such credentials.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

He is speaking to when I said she was already depressed and that I hoped she would see the FB videos and decide to leave this earth Permanently. :-/


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

All I'm trying to say OP is the possibility of him loving her and not you or over you has nothing to do with your own worth as a person. It doesn't make her better than you or more lovable than you it just makes him not the one for you. Whether Stella likes you or not.....


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

And take him off that pedestal you have him on. He is lucky that he got to spend a year with you! 

If there is ever to be a pedestal you both have to be on it for eachother!


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

inarut i dont know her, but I suppose good person or not, better person than me or not: my bf clearly adores ( if not loves her) and it must be for *some* reason and I couldnt say if degree or whatever has anything to do with it, or if its just love and love is inexplicable...bc if it's that, then i couldnt tell u why she loves HIM. He has pointed out all her exes are Ivy snots. So she clearly picked those kinda guys before...but not now for whatever reason. 
@Stella one thing rang true, when u said your harvard girl would always be on your case and it would hurt your ego. He does always mention that she is the one "friend" who doesn't take his crap and is always giving him a hard time. He calls her a pitbull (his favorite type of dog btw *eyeroll*), saying she's very loving and loyal until she's mistreated and then she won't take it.


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

I am trying!! It's hard!! I still love him!! :-(


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

@inarut I cant show him this blog!! He would freak out that I was a. telling people our business and b. saying the negative things I did about her. Not that he would act out at me or anything, but I just can see it bothering him


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## stolennightcars (May 9, 2016)

Hi guys! I am sorry for posting again, this is the last news Ill share and everything and it isnt really news...but I was thinking about why he is a coward or might be..

and it occurred to me that in my own selfish haze of figuring out what it all meant to me, I didnt consider telling u his past.

He only had one relationship before me, they dated for 5 years I think? 17-22 something like that. and while he was out of town for oil field work, she got pregnant by another man. 

My guy actually stayed and decided he would raise the girl as his own bc he couldnt imagine leaving the mother. He took up more shifts to save money for the baby and unbenownst to him, his gf and the father of the baby were hooking up still...when the baby was 2 months old she left him.
It's really sad, he doesnt have any pics of that ex on his fb anymore but he kept one of the baby when they first brought her home and his caption for that is how this little girl is the love of his life and how lucky he is to have a family now...

I feel like that is pretty traumatic and could make someone afraid...
and some of u asked what me and this girl saw in him, we saw this kind of heart. Not many men do that. 

Anyway, not that I am taking him back but that's his story. The woman and the guy now have three children and are happily married. The guy was actually one of his close friends too...


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