# Maybe I am STUPID !!!



## Island hopper (Apr 15, 2014)

Hi everyone. I am really torn and need some advice.
I have been with my husband for 20 years and have been married the last 3 years. Just as a background, we both have been married before and have grown children and grand children. He has always been a drinker but after being laid off from work off and on over the last 3 years his addiction has escalated to the point that even he admits that he's an alcoholic. I have told him many times that he should get help for his drinking and he won't. He is very high functioning and still does work when not laid off.
His drinking has pushed most of our friends away now too. We used to be invited to many gatherings and now we are lucky if we are invited to 2 or 3 a year.

I guess I should have seen this coming long before we got married, when he drinks (which is most nights) he gets very angry and always with me. I always thought I could handle the name calling and berating but 6 months ago I booked a trip with my best girlfriend (we leave in 2 weeks) and since that time things have been on a major downward spiral. He constantly calls me STUPID, asks if I am a MORON, calls me a *****, etc, etc, etc. All the while he says between sentences, but I love you. He has gotten way too controlling as well. I came in about 15 minutes or so later than normal from work last night as the weather was bad and traffic was slow. I work 75 km from work so a little extra time to me is no big deal. He kept asking me where I went and insinuated that I was probably somewhere that I shouldn't have been (if you get the drift). I have always been faithful to him and never would cheat on him but he seems to think that I have eyes for every man I come in contact with.
He goes on about wanting to have sex with another man or perhaps my girlfriend while on this vacation. So the attacking me isn't enough, he has to basically bad mouth everyone.

I got to the point last night that I took my wedding rings off and told him that I have had enough. This morning he asked me to put them back on.

I just can't see that anything will get better as time goes on. I have said to him that if the things he is saying are his true feelings then I don't want to be with him anyway. 

I guess my question is this, if your spouse was always yelling at you and saying and accusing you of things like he is would you stay. I am an emotional wreck. Maybe I am stupid or maybe I should run far and fast.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you put your rings back on?

IMHO, your issue is failing to lay out and enforce boundaries. You've been enabling his behavior for a long time, so there's been no reason for him to change. As far as the ring thing goes, you could have said "I'll put them back on when you've gone to AA for 6 months". Or attend marriage counseling. Or whatever you feel will make a difference. But if you continue to accept the way things are, nothing will change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Island hopper said:


> *I guess my question is this, if your spouse was always yelling at you and saying and accusing you of things like he is would you stay. * I am an emotional wreck. Maybe I am stupid or maybe I should run far and fast.


Nope. And I didnt. Not a single moment's regret for doing so, either. I cannot fathom why you married this man after all that time together. My suggestion would be that he gets treated for the alcohol problem, or you divorce. Period.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Island hopper said:


> I guess I should have seen this coming long before we got married, when he drinks (which is most nights) he gets very angry and always with me.
> 
> ...
> 
> I guess my question is this, if your spouse was always yelling at you and saying and accusing you of things like he is would you stay. I am an emotional wreck. Maybe I am stupid or maybe I should run far and fast.


An angry drunk husband. What could go wrong?

You need to demand that he stop drinking. Period.

Then, after he's sober, see what problems remain.


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## Island hopper (Apr 15, 2014)

Why did I marry him? I've been asking myself that same question for some time now. I do love him and he professes to love me, I just don't like him most of the time. I have read many posts of women that are married to high functioning alcoholics and I could have written the exact same posts. Deep down he is a good guy and I have enjoyed many good times with him. I stay because I am afraid to go out on my own at my age (53). If I do get to the point that I do leave I know I will NEVER get into another relationship - it's just not worth it.
I am afraid of starting over. I would probably be much happier on my own and finally do some things that I have an interest in and I have wanted to do for years, like learn Spanish. I need to get some courage. I guess I am looking for support as well - would I be doing the right thing? Right now I feel that I would be abandoning him. I know that sounds crazy but for many of us it feels that way.

I know that one of the big problems that has escalated this to the point it is now is the jealousy he has that I am going on vacation without him. I have been saying to him that while I am away with my girlfriend he should go to a rehab. He always says that he can quit drinking whenever he wants. I know that this is going to be next to impossible - this is an illness that has run rampant in most of his family. I don't think he will stop unless he HAS to - just like his father, brother, kids, etc.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Island hopper said:


> I have been saying to him that while I am away with my girlfriend he should go to a rehab. He always says that he can quit drinking whenever he wants. I know that this is going to be next to impossible - this is an illness that has run rampant in most of his family. I don't think he will stop unless he HAS to - just like his father, brother, kids, etc.


He says he can quit drinking: You demand that he prove it!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Island hopper said:


> Why did I marry him? I've been asking myself that same question for some time now. I do love him and he professes to love me, I just don't like him most of the time. I have read many posts of women that are married to high functioning alcoholics and I could have written the exact same posts. Deep down he is a good guy and I have enjoyed many good times with him. I stay because I am afraid to go out on my own at my age (53). If I do get to the point that I do leave I know I will NEVER get into another relationship - it's just not worth it.
> I am afraid of starting over. I would probably be much happier on my own and finally do some things that I have an interest in and I have wanted to do for years, like learn Spanish. I need to get some courage. I guess I am looking for support as well - would I be doing the right thing? Right now I feel that I would be abandoning him. I know that sounds crazy but for many of us it feels that way.
> 
> I know that one of the big problems that has escalated this to the point it is now is the jealousy he has that I am going on vacation without him. I have been saying to him that while I am away with my girlfriend he should go to a rehab. He always says that he can quit drinking whenever he wants. I know that this is going to be next to impossible - this is an illness that has run rampant in most of his family. I don't think he will stop unless he HAS to - just like his father, brother, kids, etc.


Has the jealousy always been in the relationship or become present after he got laid off? My stbx was never the jealous type but once she lost her job and was unemployed for some time she would act jealous if I was late or going over to a friends house. The drinking of course will only fuel the thoughts of something is wrong to them.

The ones that proclaim they can stop whenever they want are the ones that cant just like most addictions. Living with long term alcoholics is very hard and his name calling and belittling will kill the marriage and most every friendship they have. You arent abandoning him, he is choosing to drink and if she chooses that over you that is his decision. 

He needs to understand that he will risk losing you and right now he feels you wont leave as you have tolerated the behavior for so long.


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