# Emotional affair and emotional abuse? Or am I wrong?



## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

*Emotional affair and emotional abuse? ...Or am I wrong?*

My wife and I have been married now almost two years after dating for two years. Our relationship has had bumps in the road in the past but this issue has really driven a spike between us. My wife has other male friends who are mostly old acquaintances from the past where they just kept in touch. Some of them are a little flirty every now and then but they are out of state and she has zero interest in them.

The past:

About a year ago my wife was contacted by some random guy in our town about a potential job gig. The job ended up falling through and he ended up staying in contact with her. I found this out by one day being home alone. I was relaxing and thought I could be helpful and plug her tablet in for her. When I opened the cover up to wiggle the connection together I saw hundreds of texts. All the texts at the time seemed to be him hitting on her and complimenting her and asking how she is doing. She sent him pictures though and he sent her some compliments back. I didn’t want to spy so I plugged it in and walked away from it. Eventually I sat down to talk to her about it and she said it’s nothing, they are just chat friends and he’s married the pictures were just goofing around. Sometimes he gets flirty but she ignores him at that point or changes the subject. Later after our talk she told me she felt hurt I asked her about it and I felt terrible for bringing it up. She would need a while to love me again because she felt I had a lack of trust. She also mentioned divorce potential if I continue it. Eventually everything went back to normal for a while...

Present time:

Recently he started to communicate with her again. She was openly messaging him now not through text but through Facebook IM. I saw her chatting with him one day and asked what’s up. She ignored the question and continued to talk to him. The next day after that she was with me and her phone pops up with the Facebook message of “I want to see a picture of you in this workout outfit” which she was currently wearing. I immediately questioned it with her and she assured me that it was nothing, she said he asked about her day and she mentioned she was lounging around in the outfit, I’m the only one for her etc. I swallowed hard and held my tongue. I sent the other guy in this situation a message stating I am fine if he talks to my wife but I ask he not hit on her and be disrespectful. He replied back that it wouldn’t be a problem.

That night I was helping her with some office work down in the den. I went to finish up some stuff around the house. When I came back in she quickly closed a video chat she was running with him on the other end. I just caught a split second of it before it closed. I didn’t say anything because I really wasn’t sure what I saw. I went to bed that night questioning again. 
The next day things were going normal. It was another day off work for me so I was relaxing again. The tablet was laying out open on the couch where she left it and started going off again. Message after message was popping up from Facebook. They were talking about a medical problem this other man has and she was very interested in the situation like all medical things. He also sent her a copy of the message I sent him where she replied back on how it was awkward. They also began discussing times they could video chat again when I am not around. Hours later the tablet started going off for him calling to do a video chat session. My heart at this point is in ruins… he tells her she has a nice smile and she likes the complement. I am not sure what is going on. She video chatted with him for about 30min then finally text me back that she was going to be late home from traffic.

When she got home I mentioned the tablet going off with the video chat, and I saw her close it the previous night. She said it’s nothing and to ignore it, she video chats with everyone (She doesn’t, she used it once with her mother) and they were secretive about it because she knew I would get mad. I asked her if there is something wrong in the relationship or me she needed to talk to someone about. I asked and was looking inwardly if there was something she was seeking attention for. She brought up she’s not cheating on me and don’t worry about it. 

The next night she keeps saying randomly how I don’t love her or trust her. I keep telling her I do love her and I didn’t trust the situation or that guy. I then told her how I felt about it and this behavior was really not like herself. She went quiet. Right before bed that night she poked again saying I don’t love her and don’t trust her. I tried to defend myself again. She changed the subject to the problems she has with me. She said she doesn’t feel for me, I don’t listen, I am too concerned about money and make her feel guilty (we just bought a house and were deep in debt), and she kept saying my actions remind her of her ex-husband who beat her, and cheated on her and spent all the funds on alcohol. She also said I am controlling who she can and can’t be friends with and dropped the possibility of a divorce. I said I love her, I want things to work and apologized. 

Early next morning on my way to work I picked up some flowers for her and left them outside her work as she opens shop. She sent me a message later that day saying how the flowers completely screwed up her morning, it’s wrong to give flowers to someone that currently hates you, and things are not working out so she’s going to move into the guest room. 

Now:

I am now feeling lost and extremely hurt. Everything I try to do makes things worse. She has no love for me at this time and if I try to talk to her I continue to push her away. I feel like multiple points in the relationship whenever I bring something like this up to her I get slammed with other problems and I always feel like the bad guy. I’m feeling it’s not even about this other guy anymore. It’s about us falling out of love with each other and this is just a catalyst of being not happy. It’s slowly starting to feel like it’s not worth fighting for. Was I completely wrong in this situation? Should I just be quiet? 

I been reading No more mr nice guy a bit, and I have been a "nice guy" this whole relationship.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Emotional affair and emotional abuse? ...Or am I wrong?*

I think you should repost this in the coping with infidelity section. Your wife is having an affair. They will help you in that section.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

*Re: Emotional affair and emotional abuse? ...Or am I wrong?*



Anon Pink said:


> I think you should repost this in the coping with infidelity section. Your wife is having an affair. They will help you in that section.


Thanks - Ill post it there.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

(Moved from Men's section)
My wife and I have been married now almost two years after dating for two years. Our relationship has had bumps in the road in the past but this issue has really driven a spike between us. My wife has other male friends who are mostly old acquaintances from the past where they just kept in touch. Some of them are a little flirty every now and then but they are out of state and she has zero interest in them.

The past:

About a year ago my wife was contacted by some random guy in our town about a potential job gig. The job ended up falling through and he ended up staying in contact with her. I found this out by one day being home alone. I was relaxing and thought I could be helpful and plug her tablet in for her. When I opened the cover up to wiggle the connection together I saw hundreds of texts. All the texts at the time seemed to be him hitting on her and complimenting her and asking how she is doing. She sent him pictures though and he sent her some compliments back. I didn’t want to spy so I plugged it in and walked away from it. Eventually I sat down to talk to her about it and she said it’s nothing, they are just chat friends and he’s married the pictures were just goofing around. Sometimes he gets flirty but she ignores him at that point or changes the subject. Later after our talk she told me she felt hurt I asked her about it and I felt terrible for bringing it up. She would need a while to love me again because she felt I had a lack of trust. She also mentioned divorce potential if I continue it. Eventually everything went back to normal for a while...

Present time:

Recently he started to communicate with her again. She was openly messaging him now not through text but through Facebook IM. I saw her chatting with him one day and asked what’s up. She ignored the question and continued to talk to him. The next day after that she was with me and her phone pops up with the Facebook message of “I want to see a picture of you in this workout outfit” which she was currently wearing. I immediately questioned it with her and she assured me that it was nothing, she said he asked about her day and she mentioned she was lounging around in the outfit, I’m the only one for her etc. I swallowed hard and held my tongue. I sent the other guy in this situation a message stating I am fine if he talks to my wife but I ask he not hit on her and be disrespectful. He replied back that it wouldn’t be a problem.

That night I was helping her with some office work down in the den. I went to finish up some stuff around the house. When I came back in she quickly closed a video chat she was running with him on the other end. I just caught a split second of it before it closed. I didn’t say anything because I really wasn’t sure what I saw. I went to bed that night questioning again. 
The next day things were going normal. It was another day off work for me so I was relaxing again. The tablet was laying out open on the couch where she left it and started going off again. Message after message was popping up from Facebook. They were talking about a medical problem this other man has and she was very interested in the situation like all medical things. He also sent her a copy of the message I sent him where she replied back on how it was awkward. They also began discussing times they could video chat again when I am not around. Hours later the tablet started going off for him calling to do a video chat session. My heart at this point is in ruins… he tells her she has a nice smile and she likes the complement. I am not sure what is going on. She video chatted with him for about 30min then finally text me back that she was going to be late home from traffic.

When she got home I mentioned the tablet going off with the video chat, and I saw her close it the previous night. She said it’s nothing and to ignore it, she video chats with everyone (She doesn’t, she used it once with her mother) and they were secretive about it because she knew I would get mad. I asked her if there is something wrong in the relationship or me she needed to talk to someone about. I asked and was looking inwardly if there was something she was seeking attention for. She brought up she’s not cheating on me and don’t worry about it. 

The next night she keeps saying randomly how I don’t love her or trust her. I keep telling her I do love her and I didn’t trust the situation or that guy. I then told her how I felt about it and this behavior was really not like herself. She went quiet. Right before bed that night she poked again saying I don’t love her and don’t trust her. I tried to defend myself again. She changed the subject to the problems she has with me. She said she doesn’t feel for me, I don’t listen, I am too concerned about money and make her feel guilty (we just bought a house and were deep in debt), and she kept saying my actions remind her of her ex-husband who beat her, and cheated on her and spent all the funds on alcohol. She also said I am controlling who she can and can’t be friends with and dropped the possibility of a divorce. I said I love her, I want things to work and apologized. 

Early next morning on my way to work I picked up some flowers for her and left them outside her work as she opens shop. She sent me a message later that day saying how the flowers completely screwed up her morning, it’s wrong to give flowers to someone that currently hates you, and things are not working out so she’s going to move into the guest room. 

Now:

I am now feeling lost and extremely hurt. Everything I try to do makes things worse. She has no love for me at this time and if I try to talk to her I continue to push her away. I feel like multiple points in the relationship whenever I bring something like this up to her I get slammed with other problems and I always feel like the bad guy. I’m feeling it’s not even about this other guy anymore. It’s about us falling out of love with each other and this is just a catalyst of being not happy. It’s slowly starting to feel like it’s not worth fighting for. Was I completely wrong in this situation? Should I just be quiet? 

I been reading No more mr nice guy a bit, and I have been a "nice guy" this whole relationship. I don't think they have ever really met and she said she has no desire to with him. From what I know the compliments are all one sided and she just likes the attention...


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

A bit of background on our fighting = Every time we get in a fight she takes off her ring and drops the divorce word. This happens maybe once every 4 months usually about something I bring up.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So, your wife is having an affair and when you ask about her behavior she turns it around back on you. Thats called gas lighting. She may even believe her none sense about not loving you because you don't trust her, but that's not true either.

She is having an affair. 

You need to stop being her punching bag. If she wishes to continue her relationship with this other man, she can move out and do it as a single woman.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed, she would not put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you so why are you accepting it from her? Her actions show that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

The fact that she takes off her wedding ring and threatens divorce every 4 months should be a deal breaker for you. Good grief you have only been married for 2 years and you have to deal with all of this crap. You clearly made a bad choice in marrying her. I would suggest that you do the following:
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer to understand your options.

She sounds very very immature and really toxic for you.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

I agree, even if I don't know for sure if anything is really going on this is bad. I guess I had the rose colored glasses on for too long.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

We all make mistakes so do not get down on yourself. Just make sure that you do not live the rest of your life like this. Time to move on. Good luck.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Thank you all.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I agree. She's following the typical script. read a few more threads here in CWI and you'll recognize it instantly. It's going to be hard for you to accept, but it seems you are already thinking it. She's having an affair, she's spending WAY too much time talking to another man, she starting to pull back from you, finding fault in things you do (even if there are faults, she loved you for a reason) and she's in the fog. You are being gaslit. 

I suggest the 180, because YOU need to take care of YOU, and she's in bad need of a wake-up call.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W is in an affair and you have to stop apologizing to her for demanding information that is your right to know.

I'm betting that if you had full access to their conversations, you would find hours and hours of text and much of it flirting and completely inappropriate for a married person. You might discover that they've been meeting up and that it's gone PA.

You could spend some time gathering more data to be on very solid ground when you confront her again. Get a VAR and hide it in her car to catch any phone conversations they might have. Put a keylogger on her computer to see if you can find any secret accounts and to read their messages. Once you really know what's going on with them, you can confront with more confidence & she won't be able to deflect and gaslight so easily.

When you do confront, do it with confidence. Tell her that she has crossed boundaries into territory that threatens your marriage. Demand that she cut off contact with this OM and that she become transparent with her accounts.

If she threatens divorce because of this, say 'Fine. I won't live like this anymore. There are not supposed to be 3 people in a marriage.' Call her bluff & be willing to follow through.

You have to be willing to lose it if you want the chance to save it.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Yeah... I hope I can stay true to the 180. I just want things resolved as quickly as possible...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Emotional affair and emotional abuse? ...Or am I wrong?*

You're walking on eggshells because you're too scared to rock the boat, and she knows it. All this bs about you being controlling and not trusting her, is her way to control you with your fear. She's gas-lighting you. She's got you questioning what you already know to be true. You just don't realize she's thrown you overboard and she's just stringing you along as long as she can. This is because you swallow her bs or are afraid to call her on it. Here's a bit of knowledge for you, there are no secrets in a marriage and married women don't have boy friends. Her and her boy friends have no respect for you and may even be getting a chuckle out of your inaction. She won't have any incentive to stop, until you realize that it's not worth staying in a marriage with her and act on it. The outcome can't be determined, but the alternative is you will have to turn your back on her extra marital shenanigans and take whatever crumbs she throws you. 


Finish NMMNG asap! 

Read this thread by another brother member.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-

Give yourself some respect and start looking for divorce lawyers...


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

She is getting bored. 
My partner use to meet up with his ex for coffee.
"We are just friends " he would say to me. He hated it when I checked up on him..threatened to end our relationship if I didn't trust him. 

ANd what does he do in the end? Sleeps with her.

Brace yourself as she may be ready to cheat on you


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Yeah... I hope I can stay true to the 180. I just want things resolved as quickly as possible...


So many responses to this thread are right on the money. 

I've been married twice, the second marriage was to a woman whose family was filthy rich needless to say she was extremely spoiled. We lived in her house and she would EXPLODE over the smallest things. One day she came home from working with her rich mother and went off on me. She yelled at me GET THE F*#K OUT OF MY HOUSE. A month later same situation and once again I was being told to leave. I calmly told her if she tells me to get the F out of her house one more time Im gone! Two months later she said it again, I packed my bags and left and didnt say a thing. She called me for a couple of months after that trying to work it out but I was done. 

If your wife is going take off her ring and threaten to D you, call her bluff. You cant live with someone constantly threatening you with something she knows is going to hurt you the most.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If this POS is married, inform his W about his constant flirting, texting, and video chatting with your WW.

Do the 180 and contact a lawyer. 

Start filling them out in front of her and inform friends and family you are considering D and the reasons why.

If the exposure and the D papers do not snap her out of this crap, then it is best you follow through and move on.

This will only continue and get worse if you do nothing.


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## whatsgoingon1 (Sep 6, 2013)

Wow yeah... this is all eye opening... thanks again.

It has seemed like over time my happiness has gone down with everything and I got less and less control out of the situation.

I started the 180 yesterday, trying to think of things to do/occupy myself when around the house as I lost a ton of hobbys etc.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get to the gym and start going for runs. It's good for stress


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> A bit of background on our fighting = Every time we get in a fight she takes off her ring and drops the divorce word. This happens maybe once every 4 months usually about something I bring up.


 That is what cheaters do to get you to let them continue to cheat. Cheaters are addicted to the brain drug rush that they get when they cheat. Like any drug addict she will say and do anything to continue getting her high.

She does not want you to even question her actions and wants you to ignore what you see with your own eyes. Google "emotional affair" (EA) and you will see that what you are describing is an EA. Since an EA is cheating she is cheating. Worse yet, 50% of EA's turn into physical affairs (PA) as well. You know that she is cheating. She knows that she is cheating. You do not need to prove this to her to take action. The best way to save your marraige is to be ready and willing to really end the marraige if she does not stop her cheating ways immediately. Tell her that she is cheating with this other man and putting her relationship with him before you. Tell her that you know this for a fact and that you will not waste any time with her lies. Tell her that she either goes full no contact with the other man (OM) and agrees to full transparency, which includes all passwords and an agreement not to delete anything with showing it to you first, or you will file for divorce and mean it. 

The next part is the hard part. She will lie and try to get you to second guess yourself. She will not go no contact or give you full transpancy. She will in effect, call your hand to see if you are bluffing. You must not be bluffing. If she calls your hand, start discussing how to split the assets and start looking up attorneys on line. If she lets you file and does not stop you from the divorce, then she would be valuing her right to cheat over her marraige, and your marraige was over anyways.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Definition of an emotional affair


So how do you know if your relationship has evolved into an emotional affair?
•	When most meetings and conversations are kept secret from your partner.
•	When you say and do things with someone you never would do in front of your spouse.
•	When you make a point to arrange private talk time with them.
•	When you share stuff with them that you don't with your partner.

Are you wondering whether you are having an emotional affair?
•	Do you avoid telling your partner how much time you spend or talk with the other person?
•	Do you tell this person more about your day than your partner? Do you even tell him about your marital dissatisfaction?
•	Do you "ready your appearance" to see him?
•	Is there a sexual attraction (spoken or unspoken) between you?
•	Would you feel guilty if your partner saw you together?
If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, get out of there. You are cheating! 

With all the availability and temptation, how can you protect yourself from drifting into an emotional affair? 
•	Don't flirt. Flirting leads to attractions and warm feelings you will start to crave.
•	Be aware when at work and on the Internet. These are high-risk places where emotional affairs typically start.
•	Look out for the state of your marriage. You are more vulnerable to an affair when you are dissatisfied with your current partner.
•	Don't go out alone with an old lover. If you have nothing to hide, include your partner.
Don't hang out with others who cheat. Your moral compass can be swayed if it gets reinforced by the behavior of others.
• End it! No halfway. No kind of. No being just friends. It has to end, or you will still be involved in it and will not be able to build back your partner's trust. 
• Take responsibility. No one else got yourself in this mess but you. You need to own it in order to get past it. 
• Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self-esteem? Were you repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated? In order to repair your current relationship and avoid another affair, you need to understand what drove your behavior in the first place. 
• Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship surviving is the betrayal. You must be thoroughly open and honorable to build it back. You will need to do what your partner needs (like coming home right after work and breaking off all contact with the other person). 
• Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time. You will have to be patient. Don't expect your partner to just bounce back.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP the 180 is fine but you had better set hard boundaries ASAP. She ends contact now or there will be consequences for her disrespectful attitude. Then file and she how she responds to being served. You need to turn the tables. Let this guy's wife know what is going on right now.

Who has an interview with someone gets rejected and then develops a relationship with that person? I am sorry but coming from a recruiting background that is one of the strangest things I have ever heard of.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

I am sorry that you are going through this. I read your story and it is exactly what I am going through. My situation has been going on for 1 1/2 years...my husband lied to me and we went to marriage counseling...every fight ended with the threat of divorce...I gave up all hobbies....lost myself to focus on the relationship...made him the priority of my life while I was not his...started to believe I was the reason for the fights and shouldn't question him. From the beginning, my husband told me he would chose this woman who was his employee for a few weeks (who he lied about) over his wife. She is still there and he would still chose her over me and if I want to stay married to him I just have to "get over it". I wasted 1 1/2 years. Looking back I was so foolish. He only moved out 8 days ago. I finally called his bluff and gave him the divorce he has been constantly asking for. It is difficult and he is still calling. It is all about control. Please read my story and stay strong and know that you are not alone. My husband always made me feel like I shouldn't question him and he would turn it around on me and get mean and nasty so he would hurt my feelings so I would shut down. He didn't want to be questioned about his actions. When I would press him, he would tell me I was insecure, a "whack job" and ask for a divorce. He would tell me that he couldn't live like this and I would actually feel bad! The counselor would tell him that he has to live a life of transparency. He didn't like that and we stopped going. I finally woke up and realized that I don't want to live like this anymore. This forum has been helpful for me as some days are better than others. Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

whatsgoingon1 said:


> Wow yeah... this is all eye opening... thanks again.
> 
> It has seemed like over time my happiness has gone down with everything and I got less and less control out of the situation.
> 
> I started the 180 yesterday, trying to think of things to do/occupy myself when around the house as I lost a ton of hobbys etc.



Call this guy's wife and tell her immediately. Then call him and tell him to end it or it will be posted at his work place.

Tell your wife that you are ready to end this marriage if she cannot respect you or marital boundaries and mean it.

And stop apologizing to your wife. She is manipulating you like a chump. Don't be one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If this guy is in the same town, how do you know they are not meeting up behind your back ? She is lying to you, she is treating you like crap..cheating is not far off.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Schedule to see a couple divorce attorneys for free consultations this week. Find out what your rights are and what to expect in a divorce. Whatever she decides to do, you need to start operating under the assumption that you are divorcing her. 

Also move your pay into a new account under your name only and start dividing your savings. If you having savings with her take half out and put in accounts she has no access to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your wife is of course having an EA, that you are practically enabling. You told him that it's OK to communicate with her, just stop the flirting? Really? 

For every month of electronic communication that's been going on between them; the chances of this being a PA rise exponentially. If it's been over a couple of months, I'd say she is now in the probable PA category. POSOM's rarely just want to be "buddies" with a woman. If it's not a PA now, it's just a matter of time.

She's using your fear of divorce to control you and the situation. If you want a chance to save your marriage, you have to turn this around immediately. Follow the advice you've been given, give her consequences, and start going forward with the divorce if she gives you "any" push back. Stop being her door mat.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

She's disrespecting you. She doesn't have boundaries and she places more importance on her secret relationship with this guy than she does maintaining your relationship.

The whole "you don't trust me" prove you love me nonsense is classic. It's total projection. She not behaving in a trustworthy manner and is putting it on you.

She's cheating, whether or not it's gotten physical, hard to say, but she's clearly addicted to the ego kibbles. http://chumplady.com/2012/04/ego-kibbles/

It boils down to -- is this an acceptable relationship for you? Is this the sort of person you want to be married to? You only get to control yourself. You can't make her do the right things.

I would be very upset and concerned that she doesn't seem the least bit remorseful or ashamed of her behavior. She's minimizing, blameshifting, and projecting -- all really bad signs that usually go with an affair. I'm sorry. Time for strong actions. Draw your boundaries and enforce them.

I'd begin with counseling, and let her know this is unacceptable and it pains you, but if she cannot stop it with this guy, yeah, damn straight, you're talking to a divorce attorney. You can't nice anyone of an affair.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Oh, and just a hunch. But I'd talk with her ex-husband. She may have cheated in her last relationship and paints him the controlling ogre. Character assassination goes with personality disorders. 

And definitely tell the OM's wife what's going on.


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