# On the road to a sex free marriage.



## adelphos (Nov 25, 2016)

My wife and I are deeply committed, no plan B type of married people and have been happily married for nearly fourteen years. We have two children (3 1/2 and 1). Early in our married life we were very active in bed. Our first year of married life we had sex nearly on a daily basis. We settled into a routine of two to three times a week several years ago which seemed to be our natural rhythm. Then we had our first child and as is often the case, things slowed way down. Now we are at the point of having sex, once a month if all is going well. For my wife, this seems fine. If I didn't ask for it, I feel like it would just go away. For me, this doesn't work. We both work, she breast feeds, life and work is demanding a lot from her, I get it. I am a very active participant at home and typically do the bulk of house work/cooking etc, as I know that the kids need her a lot at this stage. But our relationship is the core of our marriage, not the kids and too that end I've tried a variety of things. I've tried to be more romantic, leaving notes, letting her know I'm thinking about, dropping hints, etc. We've started talking about it and she sees this part of our life as important, just can't see a way to add it to her personal bandwidth. She just simply doesn't think about it or me. When we do have sex, she enjoys it a lot, but it isn't part of her normal daily thought process. I believe that she's simply become disconnected from herself, and it is pretty hard to connect with someone else when they aren't connected to themselves. To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Any medical or medicine changes, new birth control etc? Those can have a big effect on libido.

Were you using birth control earlier, or was sex also partially aimed at having kids?


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## adelphos (Nov 25, 2016)

No medical changes. She used an IUD prior to, during and after having kids. We were intentional about having kids due to our ages. Sex has never been about having children for us. It has always been about connection, intimacy and pleasure.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sometimes it's best to take a different approach which is to make a simple statement and then ask some open ended questions.

But the first thing I will tell you is that ALL successful talks of this nature share one characteristic. And the unsuccessful ones share sort of the opposite of that characteristic.

If you get her to do MOST of the talking, that is generally a good sign. If instead YOU do most of the talking, that is a very bad sign.

The opener ought to be really short: 

You: Do you realize that for most men, when sex mostly goes away we feel neglected, which feels really bad? 
Her: responding (listen for tone - indifference is worst, followed by defensiveness)

If she is indifferent, that's likely not fixable. If she's defensive, that might be fixable - but likely not 'in the moment'.

Best response to defensiveness is: Sometime this week, we need to have this conversation. You can pick when. 

And then drop it - but - if you get to the 7th day - then you raise it. 

That said, your real issue could either be: 
- The need for a different, slower technique that works with her responsive desire 
Or
- Getting her to agree to the ten minute rule which is - she relaxes and gives you ten minutes to see if you can get her turned on - and if it doesn't happen - you will both just accept that you will gracefully desist. 

I also think as part of this you ought to get her to tell you her basic turn ons and turn offs. That however requires her to trust that you won't get defensive. 


You also ought to prepare yourself for some misdirection. Meaning - she asks you to try to create the mythical stress free environment so she is able to relax and have sex with you. That is truly a fools errand unless you aren't carrying your share of the familial stress load. 

Are you still physically fit, or have you let yourself go?



adelphos said:


> My wife and I are deeply committed, no plan B type of married people and have been happily married for nearly fourteen years. We have two children (3 1/2 and 1). Early in our married life we were very active in bed. Our first year of married life we had sex nearly on a daily basis. We settled into a routine of two to three times a week several years ago which seemed to be our natural rhythm. Then we had our first child and as is often the case, things slowed way down. Now we are at the point of having sex, once a month if all is going well. For my wife, this seems fine. If I didn't ask for it, I feel like it would just go away. For me, this doesn't work. We both work, she breast feeds, life and work is demanding a lot from her, I get it. I am a very active participant at home and typically do the bulk of house work/cooking etc, as I know that the kids need her a lot at this stage. But our relationship is the core of our marriage, not the kids and too that end I've tried a variety of things. I've tried to be more romantic, leaving notes, letting her know I'm thinking about, dropping hints, etc. We've started talking about it and she sees this part of our life as important, just can't see a way to add it to her personal bandwidth. She just simply doesn't think about it or me. When we do have sex, she enjoys it a lot, but it isn't part of her normal daily thought process. I believe that she's simply become disconnected from herself, and it is pretty hard to connect with someone else when they aren't connected to themselves. To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...








adelphos said:


> My wife and I are deeply committed, no plan B type of married people and have been happily married for nearly fourteen years. We have two children (3 1/2 and 1). Early in our married life we were very active in bed. Our first year of married life we had sex nearly on a daily basis. We settled into a routine of two to three times a week several years ago which seemed to be our natural rhythm. Then we had our first child and as is often the case, things slowed way down. Now we are at the point of having sex, once a month if all is going well. For my wife, this seems fine. If I didn't ask for it, I feel like it would just go away. For me, this doesn't work. We both work, she breast feeds, life and work is demanding a lot from her, I get it. I am a very active participant at home and typically do the bulk of house work/cooking etc, as I know that the kids need her a lot at this stage. But our relationship is the core of our marriage, not the kids and too that end I've tried a variety of things. I've tried to be more romantic, leaving notes, letting her know I'm thinking about, dropping hints, etc. We've started talking about it and she sees this part of our life as important, just can't see a way to add it to her personal bandwidth. She just simply doesn't think about it or me. When we do have sex, she enjoys it a lot, but it isn't part of her normal daily thought process. I believe that she's simply become disconnected from herself, and it is pretty hard to connect with someone else when they aren't connected to themselves. To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

adelphos said:


> I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps.


I don't have any solutions for your problem but I'm thinking that ain't it.


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## adelphos (Nov 25, 2016)

We had an initial conversation this last week and it was a good start. Her response to what turns her on is that she doesn't know. I realize for many women this is a floating target. It was pretty open ended and she asked for some time to think about it and we agreed to talk again this Wednesday.

I have always been very fit and tend to be a well groomed kind of a guy.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Check out this thread if you have not already.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/258498-need-advice-sexual-mismatch.html


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> I've tried to be more romantic, leaving notes, letting her know I'm thinking about, dropping hints


Sounds nice, but often that is not enough. Dropping hints and being romantic can be taken at face value and doesn't go any further than 'ah that's nice!'. Try being a little more 'forward'. It reminds me of my wedding anniversary where my husband was very romantic; breakfast in bed, restaurant lunch, telling me how much he loves me next to a log fire, flowers, chocolates, champagne - then he spent the rest of the day watching TV. I would have exchanged the whole romantic stuff for having my clothes ripped off and dragged up the stairs. I learned that if I want these things I have to take it and make it LOUD and CLEAR. 

You come across as being a very nice person; thoughtful and considerate. But sometimes the nice guy misses out on the good stuff because they are afraid to spell out their needs in CAPITAL LETTERS for fear of being selfish - polite inquiries are simply lost on some people. 

Get someone to watch the kids at their own home. Then run a bubble bath for you both with candles and high-end toiletries, take your time and begin wooing her as though you are still dating. When you get out of the bath remember to dry her off slowly and erotically. Romantic and yet very sexy. x


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

adelphos said:


> To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...


I think that's utterly repulsive, self-serving, controlling and disgusting that you'd even think about suggesting that - like she's a piece of meat who needs to 'prime' herself for you. Unreal.

You act like she was put on this earth to please YOU. She's wearing MANY different hats right now - *wet nurse* is just one of them. It's not real easy being a sex kitten when you're spending a good portion of your day pumping your breast milk like a cow or breastfeeding a baby, working a full time job, and tending to the myriad of other things a working mother tends to in the course of a day. Her focus is on many things right now and most couples DO experience a lull in sex when children come into the picture.

You're not unique in any way.



> We had an initial conversation this last week and it was a good start. Her response to what turns her on is that she doesn't know. I realize for many women this is a floating target. It was pretty open ended and she asked for some time to think about it and we agreed to talk again this Wednesday.


She doesn't know because that's not what her priority in life is right now. It's just not.

Certainly, there's room for compromise. But your nasty suggestion to "discipline' herself by masturbating every day is completely insulting and downright ignorant. Sorry, but I think you're anything BUT a nice guy.


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## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

self, husband, then children methinks


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i simply could not live with sex once a month. 

Since you seem to be able to do it, even though you do not like it, i guess that is your life from now on. If it were me, when we reached the no-sex for one week, we would have had a serious discussion.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Good luck figuring out a solution, I don't think there is one. I honestly feel it boils down to lack of attraction, as painful as that is to accept. I am in the same boat as you my friend, and I know how badly it hurts to know the one person who is supposed to love and desire you, doesn't. Except in rare medically justifiable cases, I don't believe in "LD". They just don't want YOU anymore. It's why there are countless cases of supposedly LD spouses getting the tingles all over again when Mr. or Ms. Wonderful suddenly appears in their lives.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Happy 75th anniversary of Pearl Harbor.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

adelphos said:


> Then we had our first child and as is often the case, things slowed way down. Now we are at the point of having sex, once a month if all is going well. For my wife, this seems fine. If I didn't ask for it, I feel like it would just go away. For me, this doesn't work. We both work, she breast feeds, life and work is demanding a lot from her, I get it.


This is a common problem for a lot of men in marriages after children. Although not much changed in you, your wife went through a series of hormonal waves in having a child. To this day, you mention that she is breast feeding. She is connecting with your baby on an emotional level as the breast feeding releases the same happy hormones that she once got from sex with you. She is bonding with your child and getting the same emotional high. Basically, she is getting all of her needs met by your child. For the time being she does not need you.

I bet she has used the phase, "I could never have sex and be happy." I fell into the same situation after the birth of my first child. 



adelphos said:


> I believe that she's simply become disconnected from herself, and it is pretty hard to connect with someone else when they aren't connected to themselves.


See above, she has become disconnected from you and become very connected with your baby.



adelphos said:


> To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...


It goes back to having her needs met by your child, she does not sex to release the happy hormones. She is already getting them.

The best I can recommend before your resentment builds to much is to recommend some marriage counseling. Your wife has realize that she disconnected from you & your marriage. You need to be able to articulate (without accusation) how this is making you feel and how sex affects your emotional intimacy with her. If she cannot understand the impact this has on your emotional relationship, things will not change. I don't guarantee she will want to jump your bones 3 times a week, but if she understands how important it is to keep that emotional connection with you, she may be more accommodating to having sex a little more often.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

adelphos said:


> When we do have sex, she enjoys it a lot, but it isn't part of her normal daily thought process. I believe that she's simply become disconnected from herself, and it is pretty hard to connect with someone else when they aren't connected to themselves. To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps. Curious about your thoughts...



In my next life I am going to come back as a very large, very mean Lion. Sex? Problem solved.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

adelphos said:


> To that end, I'm considering suggesting that she try to discipline herself to masturbation on a daily basis for a few weeks to see if that helps.


From what I've heard that will lower her drive. I'm thinking that now that you guys have two young kids, you would get hit hard in divorce court so now maybe she thinks she doesn't have to have sex with you anymore.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think that's utterly repulsive, self-serving, controlling and disgusting that you'd even think about suggesting that - like she's a piece of meat who needs to 'prime' herself for you. Unreal.


I think it's far more selfish to expect a spouse to be celibate because you're too busy. Everyone has time for a quickie in the shower or whatever. Kids are part of life. Most of us have them. If OP frees her time for them to be together and she doesn't want to particiate in the marriage, that's not OK. By freeing time, I mean a nanny or day care, or baby sitter, whatever.


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