# pantyhose on my husband



## annarara

I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.


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## PBear

What does your counsellor say?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls

I am not saying you are wrong to be creeped out; apart from anything, you cannot help your visceral reactions. I, too, would probably be somewhat alarmed if I found my husband doing that.

However it might help you, and help others to give advice, if you could explain exactly why you object to him wearing women's garments. I am assuming he does this in private only.

It would also be relevant to hear what he has said about why he does it.


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## annarara

he says it makes him feel sexy - but it makes me look at him in the exact opposite manner. He also says he is afraid that he is losing his sexuality - he is 51 - but again - this is limiting our sexuality because it is unappealing to me. I have not seen him in them. HE is very secretive about it. That is the other problem - it has caused trust issues - What else may he be doing.


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## annarara

he lied to our joint marriage councilor and said he was not doing it anymore = he was. So he stopped seeing her - and I see her for me. He has been seeing someone else for about 6 month. Not really sure what she says. Because I found him in my thong - I am going to see her today with him. Our sex life has been very fulfilling throughout our 18 year marriage FYI


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## ScarletBegonias

He's secretive bc he doesn't trust you to handle his hidden side gently and without judgment. He is ashamed and your reactions are only making his shame deeper.


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## PBear

What part of his sexuality is he afraid of losing? Have you two ever discussed fantasies openly?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annarara

He feels that he does not get aroused very often -
We don't really discuss fantasies - there is major trust and communication issues. While he can get an erection it is not as firm as it was when he was younger. I have no complaints in the bedroom -


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## jb02157

Since he's so secretive about them and you've never seen him wearing them, I wonder if he's covering up for using them or giving them to another woman while in an affair. Have you thought about that possibility?


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## ClimbingTheWalls

I think it is wrong for you to jump to the conclusion that he may be doing something else. Think of the person on a diet who sneaks a cookie from the jar and then lies about it because of shame/fear of ridicule. Chances are they are not going around doing anything other than sneaking a bit of "naughty" food.

Making it into a complete trust issue is not helping anyone. He probably lied to the marriage counsellor because he thought that's what you wanted to hear.

If you don't make it possible for him to share his issues with you they are not going to go away. It may not be possible for him to give up his fetish; it is a shame if you allow it to ruin the marriage.

If you cannot face up to it and discuss it with him can you not agree to turn a blind eye and let him dress up in privacy once in a while?

I don't want to trivialise your feelings since you are clearly upset by this, but I honestly think you may need to try to be a bit more flexible or understanding. Especially if you have no complaints in the bedroom. But maybe if you were able to try to embrace this side of him a bit more it may boost his confidence and make him feel sexier.


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## SpinDaddy

jb02157 said:


> Since he's so secretive about them and you've never seen him wearing them, I wonder if he's covering up for using them or giving them to another woman while in an affair. Have you thought about that possibility?


That’s a stretch and pardon the pun there but I’m serious.


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## waylan

ScarletBegonias said:


> He's secretive bc he doesn't trust you to handle his hidden side gently and without judgment. He is ashamed and your reactions are only making his shame deeper.


+1. The guy is ashamed because it is not OK socially for a man to do these things. By your reaction, he has already learned that he can't trust you with his "freaky" side.

I guess the question is how deeply do you love him? Has he mentioned why this activity is so important to him?

An example, In my younger days I used to frequent strip clubs. (Mainly because I was underage and for some reason I wouldn't be carded there.) My wife (GF at the time) found I went to one and went ballistic. Since that activity wasn't super important to me, I stopped going. She has made sacrifices as well... That's part of marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the two of you have to weigh how important it is you individually and what level of pain your willing to inflict on the other to keep or cease doing it.


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## annarara

I don't think there is another woman. Many of them are "used" with noticeable outcomes on them - He is home every night - and on weekends. I do not think he is cheating at all


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## moogvo

I am not seeing what the big deal is here. In the world of things that could be relationship killers, this is pretty mild. Pantyhose? Maybe he likes the way they feel. Are you afraid that this somehow makes him gay? I think the first step is to get to the root of the problem and find out where your feelings are coming from. 

I am guessing that this is some sort of a fetish. Again, compared to other fetishes, this is nothing. He hides it because it embarrasses him and he doesn't want you to catch him. To make a big deal out of it makes him feel small and ashamed. 

Sexuality is the most fragile part of a relationship. It is the most personal thing we have and to have it violated does terrible things emotionally. Fetishes just amplify the fear and sensitivity. I would suggest that you drop it and not make a big deal out of it.

I think that you should be supportive because as a spouse, he is supposed to be able to trust that you won't hurt or embarrass him. At the end of the day, it's just clothing... IS it really that big of a deal?


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## tom67

SpinDaddy said:


> That’s a stretch and pardon the pun there but I’m serious.


:slap:


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## ScarletBegonias

moogvo said:


> I am not seeing what the big deal is here. In the world of things that could be relationship killers, this is pretty mild. Pantyhose? Maybe he likes the way they feel. Are you afraid that this somehow makes him gay? I think the first step is to get to the root of the problem and find out where your feelings are coming from.
> 
> I am guessing that this is some sort of a fetish. Again, compared to other fetishes, this is nothing. He hides it because it embarrasses him and he doesn't want you to catch him. To make a big deal out of it makes him feel small and ashamed.
> 
> Sexuality is the most fragile part of a relationship. It is the most personal thing we have and to have it violated does terrible things emotionally. Fetishes just amplify the fear and sensitivity. I would suggest that you drop it and not make a big deal out of it.
> 
> I think that you should be supportive because as a spouse, he is supposed to be able to trust that you won't hurt or embarrass him. At the end of the day, it's just clothing... IS it really that big of a deal?


on one hand I can see why OP isn't thrilled and is somewhat appalled by this behavior. On the other hand,trying to put myself in her shoes,if I caught DH doing this I'd be curious and fearful of hurting him w/judgments. But she isn't me and we all have different responses to these hurdles that come at us. 

I do agree that not making a huge deal of it is better. Try coming from a place of curiosity and care rather than disgusted shock. I know that's a lot to ask but it could really help.


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## annarara

I think if I had known when we met I would not have continued dating him To find this after 15 years of marriage is disturbing to me. It is a turn off and I am not sure that we will make it through.


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## SamuraiJack

Annara,
What you are posting about really says more about you than it does him. 
This is a simple kink and I have seen it several times ( I used to be a psychologist). Its not like he wants to "put it in a blender" or anything. He merely enjoys ( perhaps to a large degree) the feel of the hose. ITs not a dangerous kink and it can be incorporated into sex play very easily.
If it's the idea of panty hose that bothers you, try getting his some thin briefs...something like yoga pants and see if you and he can come to a happy medium.

Trust me, in the world of kinks and fetishes..this is about as dangerous as peanut butter.


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## annarara

I bought him silky pj bottoms - and he says it is not the same. He has lots of sexy thongs etc. I know it is about me - that is why I am posting. Do not know how to deal with this and accept it


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## learning to love myself

Just a thought, he may not be just wearing them.

Many men like the scent of a woman and nylons hold that scent in, he may be smelling them to get aroused.

This is something he probably wont tell you as you have demonstrated not being ok with him wearing them, how would he ever tell you he is doing something different.

I know lots of men do this for a fact. If he is in counseling he is truly trying to understand why, I don't know what he is doing but please try to help support him. 

The pull these fetishes have are very strong and although they want to stop it, they cant. I have had 24 years of dealing with these types of things.

The one thing I learned is it isn't just about the fetish, its about other deep rooted issues, i.e. childhood, parents etc.


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## moogvo

If the poor guy wants to wear panty hose, then no, silk PJs aren't going to do. If you are seriously thinking about ending your marriage over this, then it can't be much of a marriage to begin with. There has to be more to it than panty hose. Perhaps you might go ahead and pull the plug so he can go find someone who actually cares about him because clearly you don't if you will let a pair of hose ruin your marriage.

It isn't as if you walked in on him having sex with the dog or eating out of the litter box...

Either there is a LOT more wrong with this marriage that you DIDN'T tell or I am calling BS on this thread.


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## SamuraiJack

Okay...
I will give you a few pointers here...fetishes were one of my sub fields.
Yes, "its you", but this doesnt have to be a big deal. 
Its like person who will only eat steak on Saturdays. Not a real game changer...just a little odd. 

Let him have it. 
Let him have it gracefully and kindly.
The same way you have a favorite night cream or favorite shirt.
If you love him, its just another piece of him.

Now for the actual fetish, its not the feel of the fabric. It's the feel of resistance. The few I have actually talked to stated that it made them feel hyper masculine for their erection to overcome the clothing along with the feeling of restiction. One of may patients said that the smaller the thong the larger his penis looked and that was a turn on for him.

You may have to talk with him for a bit and I want to commend you in advance for what might be a very unusual conversation. You are a trooper for sticking with it this far.

They have a lot of types of mens underwear that looks a lot like a thong. You can check out Fredericks of Hollywood for a little browsing.

I know this is weird for you. I have talked with spouses of people with fetishes. Its just a part of him like blue eyes or brown hair. 
It's not going to go away, so you might as well just accept it and have some fun with it. 
Life is too short to let something as trivial as this come between loving people.


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## Counterfit

annarara said:


> I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.


I suspect your husband has had an interest in dressing in female clothing since puberty. He most likely repressed the interest for many years. This type of sexual mapping does not just "happen" late in life.

You will likely have a full-fledged cross dresser on your hands in a few years who is tired of resisting what sexually excites him. 

It is his "bad" for not being honest with himself and entering into a marriage with a traditional / "vanilla" woman.

If he is also a closeted bisexual or homosexual who enjoys "dressing" you need to be extremely careful about the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease from him if he is out "exploring" his sexuality with other males.

I am sorry you have been put into this situation by your husband.


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## EleGirl

What is it that a cross dresser gets out of it? I'm sure that there are different things for different people. But I'm curious. 

I would think that the reason he's doing this is extremely important. Yet you do not mention why... only that he does it.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut

I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.

Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?


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## EleGirl

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.
> 
> Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?


Yes. But I don't do it to get off sexually. 

Her husband is doing this to become aroused and apparently masturbate.


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## Pandakiss

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.
> 
> Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?




I haven't commented on this thread but I wanna answer. Yes I wear and have worn men's clothes. I personally don't get anything out of it, because that is not my kink or fetish. 

I do however LOVE wearing thigh highs and knee highs, esp during sex. They feel nice and soft, and are sexy. I will spend days hunting on tons of sites just to find that "perfect" pair. 

I think kink and fetishes are normal my husband has a very common fetish among men, yet some women don't understand it or dislike it. My kink is different, and we accept one another's different take on it. I have always felt about sex and sexuality my whole life. It's a part of me. He is the same way. 

He trusted me enough to tell me about it at a very young age, an age when he could not explain it me and I have very very little understanding about it. It was probably shocking to me and confusing. 

On the flip side, if I had never known, and recently found out about it, I would probably react differently, maybe, don't know. He could certainly be more expressive about and have a lot more knowledge about it to help me understand where he is coming from. 

Communication is key, and at least a half open mind. Kink and fetish is a whole new world of extreme trust and compassion and a heavy dose of understanding.


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## Holland

OP I think some of the posters are actually being very judgmental of you and hiding that behind saying you are in the wrong, get over it, it's no big deal.

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me and yes I would consider ending a marriage over this. Two reasons, firstly the lying by omission and secondly it would be a HUGE sexual turn off for me and I would struggle to view him as a strong man any more. It is vital that the man I am with be a strong, masculine sort of guy and to me a cross dresser is not that man. 

This is not a judgment on people that choose this life style as I have friends that live all sorts of life styles. Great friends but not what I would want in a lover. 

No idea what to do, you are in it now and I hope you can find a place of peace.


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## Hicks

He hides it because of your reaction and the stigmas.

He will not change, this is a part of him. He is not gay, but this would be like being gay, something he cannot change.

You've gone about it in the wrong way. You said I hate this, you need to stop. He said OK and then tried to stop but couldnt.

The proper way to deal with this is to take a look at your life, accept that this is who he is, make the decision to stay or go and then LIVE WITH THE DECISION you make by reminding yourself of the reasons you made it.


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## ScarletBegonias

There's nothing wrong with ultimately not being ok with this fetish of his. But flipping out about it and showing your disgust to him is wrong,IMO. Don't forget this is a person you love and try to deal with the situation as kindly as possible. Yes,as Holland said,he lied by omission. But think about why and try to sympathize a little bit.It might make the situation easier for both people. You don't have to stay with him but you don't have to ridicule him either.


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## annarara

Scarlett Begonia - you sound like you may have direct experience with this>? Is that correct or??? Just curious.


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## waylan

In defense of the original poster, this type of behavior is quite the shock. There is no stigma for women wearing men's clothing so that isn't a valid comparison. If I were female and caught my man in pantyhose or lacy underwear - I'm not sure what i would do.

The logical side of my brain would say - "hey this isn't a big deal, it is just different and we can overcome this."

My emotional side would say - "hey, turns out this guy is a complete freakoid and I need to run away fast."

This isn't a black and white issue...... There are lots of shades of grey in this scenario. lol.


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## ScarletBegonias

annarara said:


> Scarlett Begonia - you sound like you may have direct experience with this>? Is that correct or??? Just curious.


Yes,something similar and I handled it completely wrong. I still regret it to this day and it happened years and years ago.


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## ScarletBegonias

waylan said:


> In defense of the original poster, this type of behavior is quite the shock. There is no stigma for women wearing men's clothing so that isn't a valid comparison. If I were female and caught my man in pantyhose or lacy underwear - I'm not sure what i would do.
> 
> The logical side of my brain would say - "hey this isn't a big deal, it is just different and we can overcome this."
> 
> My emotional side would say - "hey, turns out this guy is a complete freakoid and I need to run away fast."
> 
> This isn't a black and white issue...... There are lots of shades of grey in this scenario. lol.


I totally agree with everything you've posted here. You really have no idea what to do..except maybe cry and rage at the person. I think the person with the fetish can understand an initial reaction of shock,anger,and disgust. But if they continue receiving that reaction and have to make promises to abandon their fetish,they'll lose trust and go underground w it.


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## annarara

Can you please tell me more. I am kind of at a cross roads. I am TRYING to understand and cope. It is more than the pantyhose and is trust, secrecy and communication (lack of) that all goes in to the issue. I love him but it really turns me off. I don't want to be turned off by my husband.


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## ScarletBegonias

annarara said:


> Can you please tell me more. I am kind of at a cross roads. I am TRYING to understand and cope. It is more than the pantyhose and is trust, secrecy and communication (lack of) that all goes in to the issue. I love him but it really turns me off. I don't want to be turned off by my husband.


It's sad to say but this isn't going to work if you really are turned off by his fetish. You shouldn't feel ashamed of it though and you shouldn't feel like you're a bad person bc you're turned off by it. 

You can't force yourself to be ok with this. You also can't force yourself to continue being attracted to a man who enjoys wearing your underthings. 

The only thing you can do is try to learn why he has the fetish and educate yourself on coping with it. But again,coping with it isn't going to help you become turned on by your husband. You can't un-know these things about him. It's possible that you can be turned on by him eventually after learning more about the why behind the fetish but it's unlikely.

ETA Also,you're not just dealing with his fetish.You're dealing with the violation of trust. He promised to stop and he didn't keep that promise. He has to realize he can't just promise things like that and then go break that promise without consequences.


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## annarara

Did your marriage break up because of this?? Did you share my feelings? I feel so alone because I can't talk about this with any of my friends of family. It was a good marriage before this but things have spiraled down for 3 years and I'm not sure that I can remain in this situation. Went to his councilor for the first time yesterday and it is pretty clear to me that he is not following things that she has told him to try, I also think he misrepresented me. She was surprised to know that I am not at all conservative and have given lots of ideas to help sway the feelings he has - such as buying mens sexy underware, silky mens pjs etc. Our sex life was really good prior to this and I know that part of his reasoning is that he thinks that he is losing that and it is the one thing he is really good at (his words - he is good an MANY things).


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## ScarletBegonias

annarara said:


> Did your marriage break up because of this?? Did you share my feelings? I feel so alone because I can't talk about this with any of my friends of family. It was a good marriage before this but things have spiraled down for 3 years and I'm not sure that I can remain in this situation. Went to his councilor for the first time yesterday and it is pretty clear to me that he is not following things that she has told him to try, I also think he misrepresented me. She was surprised to know that I am not at all conservative and have given lots of ideas to help sway the feelings he has - such as buying mens sexy underware, silky mens pjs etc. Our sex life was really good prior to this and I know that part of his reasoning is that he thinks that he is losing that and it is the one thing he is really good at (his words - he is good an MANY things).


I ended my first marriage for many reasons. I became ok w/his fetish stuff and did little things to help him feel less like a freak. But ultimately he never trusted me w/his deeper feelings and thoughts bc I struggled so much and was so harsh toward him.I never trusted him again either bc I always wondered "what else is he hiding?". 

I'm not sure why he's trying to make you believe he's doing this bc he's losing his mojo a bit. That happens to a lot of men when they get older but they don't start having the uncontrollable urge to wear women's underthings and use them for masturbation. He needs to start being open about the real reasons for this behavior. maybe he doesn't even know the real reason.


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## annarara

I agree - I think he does not really know and does not trust me to be open and honest. I am satisfied and have told him so and that it is natural to lose a bit of it as we get older - and I am getting older too. Can I ask how long were you married - when did you find out - and are you happy now???


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## lancaster

He is a cross dresser. That does not make him gay or queer. Go to crossdressers.com. NOTE MY SPELLING of the website exactly otherwise it will take you to a website you do not want to go to. It is NOT a porn site. But it has lots of resources for people who are CD or their spouses looking for support.

crossdressers.com is website not unlike TAM for crossdressers and their spouses who are looking for support.


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## groovebaer63

This post summarizes my line of thinking on this. :smthumbup:
Saying you should be supportive of course it puts it all on you - so you have to decide how hard it is for you to do it.
But 'calling off 18y of marriage for a 'benign' fetish of this sorts? You should think twice; I would - however I am kind of on the other side of this story: I love having my wifes underwear (e.g. when I have to go on business trips), and s/times wear it.  : reminds me of her and, yes, turns me on - much better then going to strip clubs or having an affair, etc. 





moogvo said:


> I am not seeing what the big deal is here. In the world of things that could be relationship killers, this is pretty mild. Pantyhose? Maybe he likes the way they feel. Are you afraid that this somehow makes him gay? I think the first step is to get to the root of the problem and find out where your feelings are coming from.
> 
> I am guessing that this is some sort of a fetish. Again, compared to other fetishes, this is nothing. He hides it because it embarrasses him and he doesn't want you to catch him. To make a big deal out of it makes him feel small and ashamed.
> 
> Sexuality is the most fragile part of a relationship. It is the most personal thing we have and to have it violated does terrible things emotionally. Fetishes just amplify the fear and sensitivity. I would suggest that you drop it and not make a big deal out of it.
> 
> I think that you should be supportive because as a spouse, he is supposed to be able to trust that you won't hurt or embarrass him. At the end of the day, it's just clothing... IS it really that big of a deal?


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## annarara

Groovebaer63 - does your wife know. Are you open and honest with her? I am happy to hear the other side and really am trying to figure this out. I think that the communication and secrecy and dishonesty is playing a huge part in my thought process - it is not JUST the pantyhose thing.


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## ScarletBegonias

annarara said:


> I agree - I think he does not really know and does not trust me to be open and honest. I am satisfied and have told him so and that it is natural to lose a bit of it as we get older - and I am getting older too. Can I ask how long were you married - when did you find out - and are you happy now???


We were only married a few years,no kids together either. I found out about his particular fetish by snooping bc my gut feelings were getting to me.

I am very happy now and remarried.


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## annarara

Scarlet Begonia - you have been so very helpful. I appreciate it and believe I share your taste in music!!! You sounded a bit like you regretted the way you handled things but you are now happy and I am happy for you. What made you suspicious?


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## ScarletBegonias

Glad to help

Have you ever walked into a room and your husband didn't hear you approaching? Then when you speak he nearly jumps out of his skin and his face gets red? it was that kind of stuff that made me think something was up with him. That and his possessiveness over his electronics (phone/computer).


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## cons

annarara-

I apologize if I sound harsh, but I'm giving myself liberty because I am not foreign to this issue.

The secrecy/dishonesty angle that you are holding onto as a means to feel offended as merely the result of his initial shame (whether it came from society, himself, or others in his life) and then this continued shame based on your reaction and continued abhorrance of this piece of him.

You're hear to figure out what to do after finding yourself at this conundrum.

I honestly think a lot can be done with how you frame this.

1) If you choose to frame this as an offense to you...then it will a fight of your ego against his. He will continue to feel shame. He will view himself as unacceptable to his wife.

2) If you choose to reframe this as a piece of your husband that you may not fully understand right now...or maybe ever...but then choose to love him (actively) and give him permission and acceptance to be vulnerable within your marital relationship. You then take away the struggle among egos and approach this with empathy.

I would suggest watching a TedTalk online by Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". It may help in giving some perspective.

Please dont' misunderstand with my assertiveness....this revelation, after so many years would definitely make things feel off kilter. I empathize with you.


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## Thundarr

annarara said:


> I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.


Don't feel guilty annarara. I suspect many women would be shell shocked.

Attraction is a fickle thing. You may be able to adjust your perspective and be fine but I have my doubts. It's more likely you'll keep the ewww feeling every time you think about it. Give it a little time I guess.


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## annarara

Cons - you say you are not foreign to this issue. Are you a wife that discovered this or a husband that does this> Just curious as I am really trying to hear both sides and understand. I will look at the Ted Talk - if I can find it. I welcome more back and forth on this.


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## annarara

I have given it 3 years - not sure how long "give it a little time" is...


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## Thundarr

annarara said:


> I have given it 3 years - not sure how long "give it a little time" is...


I guess you did say that earlier. Well 3 years seems like more than enough time to know if it's going to be a permanent problem or not. If this is just who he is then maybe you guys are supposed to be friends instead of lovers. It doesn't mean either one of you are the bad guy. Just that you're not compatible.


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## annarara

Cons - I watched the Ted TV on vulnerability - THANK YOU - it was excellent.


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## cons

Yes- I am the wife. Blissfully married. 

Could you explain how you have given it 3 years?

Waiting for him to not have this fetish anymore?
Working together to find a common ground? For both of you to gain some understanding around this?

It sounds like you are requiring abstinence from this practice and he wants to comply because he loves you. Yet, it is a visceral desire/arousal point for him...and so when he fails to meet your requirement...the shame cycle runs wild. It can be a diifcult cycle for him...and you, to break.


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## annarara

We have to joint and separate councilors. He lied during both and said he was no longer doing it. I found them however several times. We have talked about alternatives - sexy underware, silky things. His newest therapist suggested he wear a rubberband around his wrist to condition him when he thinks about it to snap it so that he reconditions his thoughts to think of our marriage and other ways to sooth himself. We have discussed our sex life - which is good. He is discovering things about himself that he has not share - low self confidence and self esteem - bullying as a child. He says that more than as a sexual thing it comforts him - and he likes the feel. I don't really buy this as it seems like other things could be substituted. I think it is a fetish and that he can not change it. Unfortunately I don't think I can change my feelings of being very turned off by it.


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## groovebaer63

annarara said:


> Groovebaer63 - does your wife know. Are you open and honest with her? I am happy to hear the other side and really am trying to figure this out. I think that the communication and secrecy and dishonesty is playing a huge part in my thought process - it is not JUST the pantyhose thing.


Yes - we are quite open about this part of our marriage. I think I might have been dishonest for other things - and regret this, but our fantasies are quite openly discussed (Maybe she'll read this and comment  )
I am not a great communicator myself so I can see why it is difficult for your husband (and especially on this issue - which is quite 'touchy') but you say it is not just that...


----------



## cons

Annarara- 

You say you don't buy that it is self-soothing for your husband....I would say it sounds right on the money...

It sounds like your husband is having a difficult time finding an alternative... why does there need to be an alternative? It still send the message to your husband that he is wrong/bad/unacceptable. 

It also sounds like you are not willing to change your perspective because it turns you off.


Sounds like an impasse. I am so sorry...


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## tommyr

Is there a way that you could incorporate his pantyhose fetish into your mutual sex activities? Maybe then he could get his jollies while YOU wear the pantyhose.


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## annarara

I think he is more in to wearing them - than me wearing them. 
I would feel like he is only thinking of taking them off me an putting them on himself. This has been an individual (with himself) activity - so not sure that me wearing them would do it?


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## livnlearn

I'm so sorry Annarara. I would feel exactly like you do and there would be no amount of therapy that would help, no justification for why he feels the need to do it that would make me be okay with it, and no amount of "understanding" I could come to that would ever make it alright with me. Some may consider that small-minded and insensitive but it is important for people to be true to themselves within a relationship.


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## annarara

Thanks for your response. I feel like I have been a bit beat up on this forum. I agree that he should do what he likes = but what if it is not what I signed up for and ultimately is a HUGE turnoff. His secrecy and deception has made this a HUGE issue in the marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman

I understand your shock. Based on reading the whole thread, I have a few ideas that _might_ help you work on the attraction.

I think you can get past the trust - he was protecting a very vulnerable side and perhaps he was trying to not do it anymore and was honest in his attempt. It sounds like he knew it wouldn't be acceptable to you. I see the biggest issue being attraction and he probably figured that would be an issue and hid it so as to not hurt you or expose himself to ridicule.

"Thinking" aloud here...

If he likes the feeling of restraint mentioned by another poster - and that could be what makes him feel safe (based on insecurities/bullying) or manly (bulging out of):

- do some role play like you are a cop busting him for something and he's trying to get out of the charge
- give a blow job through the hosiery, ripping it and freeing him toward the end
- would he like you to be more assertive in the bedroom?
- could you agree to incorporate his fetish a certain number of times per month if he ups the ante for you a few times a month by doing something super masculine like 'taking' you or talking dirty?
- can you look past the fact it's traditionally female garb and focus on his erection/excitement so that you feel excited about his hardness?
- can you ask him to do what he normally does alone to show you what excites him - perhaps in a mutual masturbation session?

If you can find any way to maintain attraction - not to him in women's underwear but HIM. His body, his maleness, regardless of what he has on - I think that might help.

Or lastly you could ask him to keep it strictly private, that you don't want to know that side of him exists, but frankly that probably won't work long-term. 

I don't have any experience with this - I'm just drawing off of the other posters.


----------



## cons

I apologize if any of my feedback has beat you up. That was not my intent...

Many come here not being able to see the forest for the trees. I was just using my experience to give a different perspective...

...I didn't intend to make my perspective the right one and your perspective the wrong wrong....they are just different.

I are allowed to feel the way you do in this situation. 

It sounds like this may be a dealbreaker for your marriage.

Your dealing with decisions/choices that are scary...you're feeling loss...loss of the innocence that once was in your marriage...loss of safety in your intimacy...loss of respect due to the dishonesty/shame that your husband has chosen to practice.


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## Jellybeans

Only one person would be wearing thongs in my relationship and that is ME.


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## annarara

Im OK with him wearing thongs - that are made for MEN - he has many and I have bought him many. They are all larger than mine and from the mens dept.


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## 3Xnocharm

Holland said:


> OP I think some of the posters are actually being very judgmental of you and hiding that behind saying you are in the wrong, get over it, it's no big deal.
> 
> *Personally it would be a deal breaker for me and yes I would consider ending a marriage over this. Two reasons, firstly the lying by omission and secondly it would be a HUGE sexual turn off for me and I would struggle to view him as a strong man any more. It is vital that the man I am with be a strong, masculine sort of guy and to me a cross dresser is not that man. *
> 
> This is not a judgment on people that choose this life style as I have friends that live all sorts of life styles. Great friends but not what I would want in a lover.
> 
> No idea what to do, you are in it now and I hope you can find a place of peace.


I am in total agreement with Holland here, I feel the exact same way. Some posters have been much too hard on the OP.


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## Zatol Ugot?

annarara,
I don't have any direct experience with this so I can't provide much in the way of good advice. What I can tell you is that I agree that comments condemning you or saying that you never had a real marriage are way too harsh. You went into your marriage with a set of expectations regarding you and your husband's sexuality and for 15 years of marriage, those expectations were reinforced by experience. Then, out of nowhere - BOOM! you find out that things are not what they appear to be and you react by being upset. That is perfectly understandable. It is also perfectly normal and understandable for you to be turned off by his behavior to the point of not feeling the sexual attraction toward him that you used to feel. You were sexually attracted to a man that showed certain characteristics (presumably traditional masculine characteristics) and never gave an inkling of any other side to him. When you discovered his proclivity, I assume that you felt as though you had been living a lie for the majority of your marriage. 
As is stated often enough here on TAM, sex and sexuality are a major part of a healthy marriage. It is one of the cornerstones of a solid relationship. And it seems as though someone has taken a sledgehammer to this aspect of your marriage by introducing something that was totally unforeseen and fundamentally altered your perceptions of who you married.
As others have stated, in the grand scheme of things, doing a little cross dressing ranks pretty low on the kink scale. Regardless of where it ranks, however, it's up to you to decide if the shock of the disclosure and your inability to come to grips with his new sexual twist outweighs the other good aspects of your marriage.


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## Caribbean Man

I go bonkers for pantyhose , garters and sexy lingerie.

But I only get turned on when I see them on my wife or a female body.
I don't think my wife would like it if I wear hers, and I don't expect her to.
I don't think I should put that on her, she never signed up for that.
If I started wearing women's undergarments then that's my fetish, my problem.
I don't think she has to understand or accept that.
It is up to me to decide if I prefer her sexual attraction to me over my new found fetish .

It is ridiculous to ask my wife to accept my fetish when on a visceral level she is repulsed by it.

Seems to me that the OP is being asked to do all the " heavy lifting" for her husband's problem.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Caribbean Man said:


> I go bonkers for pantyhose , garters and sexy lingerie.
> 
> But I only get turned on when I see them on my wife or a female body.


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## Satya

Hi Annara, 

I can relate because my ex husband hid similar interests from me and after 8 years married he announced to me that he wanted to change gender. He is now she and she has been living as a woman now for several years, having had multiple surgeries. Went from having a girlfriend after me to then having a boyfriend.

I'm sorry if you've already established whether your husband wears these or just keeps them (speed reading because I have to leave soon, apologies), but the facts need to be known. There's a big difference between a fetish for sexual stimulation and whether he really wished he could wear them acceptably (gender identification). Lots here are telling you you're either flipping out or they agreed with your reaction. It entirely depends on your expectations and how you wish to proceed. 

When I found support groups for SO of transgender, many of them disagreed with me leaving my husband. I was surprised at how many stayed when their spouse changed gender. Maybe the circumstances in which they found out were different than mine. It's not what I wanted to marry into and it seems you feel similarly in your situation. 

Find out how far it goes before your next step, because my ex lied to me for years and hid everything very well. Then when he couldn't hide it anymore I had the floor dropped out from under me. I had no support, no warning and just had to deal. If I'd known earlier I would have left that situation sooner.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Satya said:


> When I found support groups, many of them disagreed with me leaving my husband. I was surprised at how many stayed when their spouse changed gender.


----------



## Satya

*Re: Re: pantyhose on my husband*



Zatol Ugot? said:


>


I was surprised, I didn't think it unacceptable or horrible, to clarify. Keeping a secret like this was very serious to me, especially when you take a vow such as marriage and then live for years, lying to your spouse and hiding who you are. 

Wanted to clarify...


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## annarara

thanks Satya - I agree. Do not believe he is transgender - but you never know as your post illustrates.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Satya said:


> I was surprised, I didn't think it unacceptable or horrible, to clarify. Keeping a secret like this was very serious to me, especially when you take a vow such as marriage and then live for years, lying to your spouse and hiding who you are.
> 
> Wanted to clarify...


And now I feel that I should clarify. My emoticon was at the actions of the people being discussed, not your reaction to them. I find it incomprehensible that a spouse decides to change sex in the middle of a marriage and the other spouse accepts it and decides to stay.


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## tommyr

annarara said:


> I think he is more in to wearing them - than me wearing them.
> I would feel like he is only thinking of taking them off me an putting them on himself. This has been an individual (with himself) activity - so not sure that me wearing them would do it?


Well I was just proposing a possible means to satisfy his kink that you both could live with. And since this is such a serious issue for you, one worth ending the marriage over, it seemed like an idea worth discussing with your H.

But I can see now that you "_think he is more...._" and you "_would feel like he is thinking...._" 
Certainly with irrefutable facts like those, it's not worth your time to even discuss alternatives with H.

Sarcasm aide, it seems like you have not been very receptive to any advice here, so why are you posting to a website instead of talking to a divorce lawyer?


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## annarara

Tommy R = I am receptive to advice and believe me I am making a list and checking it twice. I have looked at each site that has been suggested. I am really trying for a last ditch effort to save this. I do appreciate all the feedback more than you know. It is so great to be able to talk about this. It is really the first time that I have. I have done lots of things over the last few years and am open to suggestions. I guess the bring it in to the bedroom part just makes me a bit uneasy because it has been such an "issue" in general and I am not sure where that would take us. He tells me all time that it is his thing and has nothing to do with 
I'm sorry if I seem like I am not listening because I really am


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## Counterfit

annarara said:


> Thanks for your response. I feel like I have been a bit beat up on this forum. I agree that he should do what he likes = but what if it is not what I signed up for and ultimately is a HUGE turnoff. His secrecy and deception has made this a HUGE issue in the marriage.


You have said everything that needs to be said above.

This will never "get better", this situation will never be resolved by therapy or counseling, your husband will never stop cross dressing, you will never be "ok" with it, let alone be excited by it.

This is a divorce / parting of the ways that needs to happen for the long term welfare of both parties.

The failure of your marriage is 100% the responsiblity of your husband for totally and completely misrepresenting his true needs to you - but you must take action to end this marriage. 

If I were you I would not be taking any risks with sexual encouters with your husband - you do not know what else he has been doing while "dressed" (in other words he may be having encouters with men to further expore his "feminine" side.....)

If you contract HIV / Aids your martial problems will be the least of your problems.......

Please hit the 'Eject Button" and get yourself out of this mess....


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## lancaster

Most crossdressers are straight, heterosexual men. OP I strongly suggest the website I posted earlier. They discuss this very topic in depth. They could probably answer your questions better than here on TAM.


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## Thundarr

lancaster said:


> Most crossdressers are straight, heterosexual men. OP I strongly suggest the website I posted earlier. They discuss this very topic in depth. They could probably answer your questions better than here on TAM.


I don't understand how that can be. But as a guy who DOES NOT want to dress like a woman I'll admit I just don't know.

I do believe cross dressing men want to look or feel like women and from what I gathered, that's enough to creep out annarara. It obvious that this is not what she wants in a husband. If she has to work this hard to find a way to get past it then maybe she's not suppose to get past it.


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## Faithful Wife

I'm pretty surprised at some of the answers here.

Just because someone is into a fetish, doesn't mean they might not also be a danger to you or your sex life. By that I mean....all the answers of "don't shame him", "be accepting" and all of that...he is not innocent in this. 

I have two friends with experiences, to show what I mean.

One friend, found the pantyhose just like the OP. She questioned him, he lied. Later she caught him wearing her clothes and he stretched out several pairs of her shoes. She was pissed! She is understanding and could actually get behind this kink, but he lied and was hiding it. He was ashamed? Who cares! Grow up and deal with it, SHE never shamed him. SHE wanted to love him and be mutually satisfied with him. If he can't separate what the rest of the world had done to shame him with this woman who was open about it and in love with him, that's not her problem.

Anyway, they talked it out, discussed it, incorporated it into their sex life. By the end of two years, he literally NEVER wanted sex without him in full on cross dress and her beating the crap out of him. She kept thinking that he would also accommodate what she was into...nope. It was all about him. He could not get off and didn't want to get off without his fetish. She finally left him, and she also finally understood why his other ex's left him. All of them had actually tried to be what he wanted but they expected reciprocation.

Something people don't talk about much is the fact that a fetish can be the catalyst to making someone be completely a selfish lover. They may literally not be able to get off in any other way and it is typically a very selfish way.

The other example...another friend, similar stuff. After many years of marriage, she found he was occasionally wearing her dresses. She confronted. He told her it was just a lark, meant nothing. One year later he told her he was trans and then he left her and got sex reassignment surgery. She went through all of that, only to also find out later he had been sleeping with men through out their marriage.

The LYING is the problem. The lack of transparency. The inability (of the one with the fetish) to expand their sexuality to incorporate their partner's preferences.

People who are healthy and are kinky or have fetishes don't turn it all around on YOU for shaming them or expecting transparency.

I am not saying cross dressing means gay or trans. It doesn't. What I am saying is that if he has hidden this from you for this long he has likely hidden other things, and I'm surprised people are encouraging you to just be ok with it. 

If you are not turned on by it too, you should not participate in his fetish. And frankly, I think there is more to this one than a simple fetish.


----------



## Faithful Wife

SamuraiJack said:


> Annara,
> What you are posting about really says more about you than it does him.
> *This is a simple kink* and I have seen it several times ( I used to be a psychologist). Its not like he wants to "put it in a blender" or anything. *He merely enjoys ( perhaps to a large degree) the feel of the hose*. ITs not a dangerous kink and it can be incorporated into sex play very easily.
> If it's the idea of panty hose that bothers you, try getting his some thin briefs...something like yoga pants and see if you and he can come to a happy medium.
> 
> Trust me, in the world of kinks and fetishes..this is about as dangerous as peanut butter.


If you "used to be a psychologist" I would assume that you know that you cannot KNOW WHAT THIS MAN THINKS. You do not know that the pantyhose are as far as it goes. You do not know that he isn't also doing other things behind her back, cheating, etc.

Also I can't believe you are essentially shaming HER for not just simply incorporating this into her sex life with him.

His kink doesn't turn her on. *Why the hell should she have to pretend it does?*


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## happysnappy

I have dated someone with some fetishes I thought were very strange and initially my internal reaction was "red alert red alert! Gay gay!" I'm glad I kept it to myself. I asked lots of questions and wanted to understand. It takes some serious trust to reveal personal weirdness and I appreciated his openness. I truly cared for him and treated him in the way I would want to be treated. I never really understood it but I was understanding and it wasn't ever a huge problem in our relationship. Try to be considerate and understanding. We all have our "stuff".


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## lancaster

Thundarr said:


> I don't understand how that can be. But as a guy who DOES NOT want to dress like a woman I'll admit I just don't know.
> 
> I do believe cross dressing men want to look or feel like women and from what I gathered, that's enough to creep out annarara. It obvious that this is not what she wants in a husband. If she has to work this hard to find a way to get past it then maybe she's not suppose to get past it.


For most men it is a fetish and nothing more. Just like any other fetish. Most gay guys do not wear women's clothing either. That I is a common and incorrect stereotype. 

I do agree the OP does not want a CDing husband. I would also say he will never stop. Sexual fetishes are hard to get over so I think the OP has some really tough choices to make.


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## annarara

Lancaster - you seem to have personal knowledge of this? Can you share? Do you have this fetish or does your husband/lover? I tried to go on the forum you suggested but you have to be a member and I have not received permission to join yet. I do not think he is gay - I also do not really think he will stop.


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## cons

Annarara-

I also don't think your husband will stop. This is something he has practiced for many years...along with the need to hide it (knowing that it wouldn't be acceptable to others).

But I also wanted to reinforce to you not to feel shamed in feeling the way you do about this. It is okay for you to say this is not a flavor you would like in your marriage. You have the prerogative to decide what you like/don't like. 

If there is no way for both of you to come up with a plan that you both can agree upon, then it may need to make the tough decision to divorce.

There a couple of articles on marriagebuilders.com that talk about when to call it quits. They may help you to see that there are circumstances that are dealbreakers. Just some more insight.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

annarara said:


> I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.


I think your core reaction isn't weird or wrong. I think many women would be turned off by their husband's in women's clothing, especially the very feminine ones. So that's first and foremost.

Now how do you get past it, well as has been said. DO NOT JUDGE outwardly to him. It's hard not to judge inward, because that's your personal feelings, but you don't have to express that or show it. Talk it through. See a sex therapist and try and work it out.

If you can't let go of your issues with it, and don't want it done in secret, and he's not willing to let go of it and/or do it in secret (with your approval) then you're at an impasse

I personally could never wear women's clothing. It's just not my thing. My wife has done some fun things with her little items LOL but not me wearing them.

And to address the person who brought up women wearing men's things...it's not the same.

I can speak for my wife, she loves wearing my button down shirts or t-shirts when lounging around in bed etc. She loves my smell on them and she also says she feels like she's wearing a safety blanket. My shirts make her feel safe and secure.

This is one of those issues where men and women are different. (most anyway).

A man wearing women's clothing is feminizing himself. A woman wearing men's clothing is looking for security or empowerment. It's very different.


----------



## annarara

So I had my husband read through all of the posts. I looked at all of the sites that have been suggested. Not sure how this is going to go. He is adamant that he wants to stop this and save our marriage. I think he needs to see a sex therapist? I did consult with an attorney - but am not really ready to file. I feel better knowing where I will be financially etc if I do file. I asked him to take a lie detector test so that I can know if there is anything else that he is hiding/doing. He is willing to do that. Still open to any feedback that comes my way. This forum has been a tremendous help for me.


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## long_done

If you have to ask him to take a lie detector test, then trust is broken completely and never coming back.

File the divorce today.


----------



## cons

I agree with long done...if you are asking for a lie detector test you're looking for another smoking gun to help you make your decision to end your marriage.

To be completely serious, you and your husband need to decide which route you want to take. In either case, you have to be ALL IN...being wishy washy in any way will give you wishy washy results.

1) Stay in this marriage and work together to make it better. Whether it means he/you/both of you go to counseling...increased communication....actively working on rebuilding trust.

2) Decide whether the trust has been broken beyond repair and take action to separate/divorce.

Staying in limbo will be more painful.


----------



## annarara

mainly I wanted to see if he would say yes to the lie detector - all kinds of crazy things enter your mind - some which have been said on this thread. I don;'t think there is more - but you hear all of the time the stories -so I was mainly trying to see if he was willing and he is. Not planning on doing it.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Faithful Wife said:


> If you "used to be a psychologist" I would assume that you know that you cannot KNOW WHAT THIS MAN THINKS. You do not know that the pantyhose are as far as it goes. You do not know that he isn't also doing other things behind her back, cheating, etc.
> 
> Also I can't believe you are essentially shaming HER for not just simply incorporating this into her sex life with him.
> 
> His kink doesn't turn her on. *Why the hell should she have to pretend it does?*


Faithfulwife
Yes, I understand that completely, but I think your being burned in the past is clouding your ability to see that there may be nothing more than what she is presenting. Not that Im saying there may not be more things there...just this is what she has presented. 

Instead of projecting your fears onto the situation, why not just deal with what she brings to the table. I am NOT saying she should pretend to enjoy it, Im saying that in the large spectrum of kinks that humans have this one can be dealt with a lot easier than some others.

Your anger is apparent and very obvious and Im sorry that you feel this way, but your ire is misplaced.


----------



## cons

When I saw of the "be afraid of what might be" posts, I figured it would start to instill additional fear and uncertainty into your situation. The request for the lie detector test was what I would consider somewhat disrespectful since you do not plan on following through. To be honest this type of strategy can hurt you and your marriage in the long run. You're passive request opens the door to the opportunity for your husband to only tell you what you want to hear (isn't that one of the issues during marriage counseling?).

I want to strongly recommend that if you choose to set boundaries (such as requesting a lie detector, counseling, etc) that you also follow through with enforcing the boundary. Otherwise you and your husband are just going through the motions of "working on your marriage" but you're really not doing any of the heavy lifting to change the direction of your relationship.


----------



## jorgegene

annarara said:


> He feels that he does not get aroused very often -
> We don't really discuss fantasies - there is major trust and communication issues. While he can get an erection it is not as firm as it was when he was younger. I have no complaints in the bedroom -


I don't get it. Everything seems to be good except the panty hose fetish thing. Yes, a bit weird and creepy. The trust thing?
Well, if that's the only trust issue and he lied to the councilor for shame, to me that's forgivable.

If the weird and creepy fetish thing is the only major negative in the marriage, I say don't leave because of this. Guys do a lot worse stuff than this.


----------



## lancaster

annarara said:


> Lancaster - you seem to have personal knowledge of this? Can you share? Do you have this fetish or does your husband/lover? I tried to go on the forum you suggested but you have to be a member and I have not received permission to join yet. I do not think he is gay - I also do not really think he will stop.


Hi OP I had an uncle who was a CDer. He was straight with a family. He was an awesome guy, but liked women's clothes. In some parts of the country with large cites there are support groups for family members of trans and cd people.

I doubt your husband will ever stop. He may moderate or stop temporarily. You will ultimately have to decide if this is something you can tolerate or not. It is likely he was doing this before you married. IF that is so you had right to know this information before you get married.

Some spouses can accept this and some cannot. Both positions are ok.


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## doubletrouble

We used to buy pantyhose just so I could tear them off of her. That was hawt!

Maybe you could incorporate something like that into your sex life, if you stay.


----------



## Faithful Wife

SamuraiJack said:


> Faithfulwife
> Yes, I understand that completely, but I think your being burned in the past is clouding your ability to see that there may be nothing more than what she is presenting. Not that Im saying there may not be more things there...just this is what she has presented.
> 
> Instead of projecting your fears onto the situation, why not just deal with what she brings to the table. I am NOT saying she should pretend to enjoy it, Im saying that in the large spectrum of kinks that humans have this one can be dealt with a lot easier than some others.
> 
> Your anger is apparent and very obvious and Im sorry that you feel this way, but your ire is misplaced.


Dude...I have never been "burned in the past" by this issue. What is making me angry is that it is not the correct thing to do to shame someone for NOT being into their partner's *hidden fetish*.

I'm happily married with an excellent sex life full of kink and fetishes. I know a bit about these issues. And pretending to be into it when you are not is NOT the right thing to do, it doesn't help anything. You did say something in the quoted post of yours you DID say she should just incorporate this into her sex life and be happy....so don't pretend that isn't what you said or meant.

Your first post completely disregarded HER feelings and was all about how "innocent" the husbands fetish is, even though you have no way of knowing whether it is innocent or not.

He has not been transparent and that is reason enough for her to not trust him.


----------



## jl2005

EnjoliWoman said:


> I understand your shock. Based on reading the whole thread, I have a few ideas that _might_ help you work on the attraction.
> 
> I think you can get past the trust - he was protecting a very vulnerable side and perhaps he was trying to not do it anymore and was honest in his attempt. It sounds like he knew it wouldn't be acceptable to you. I see the biggest issue being attraction and he probably figured that would be an issue and hid it so as to not hurt you or expose himself to ridicule.
> 
> "Thinking" aloud here...
> 
> If he likes the feeling of restraint mentioned by another poster - and that could be what makes him feel safe (based on insecurities/bullying) or manly (bulging out of):
> 
> - do some role play like you are a cop busting him for something and he's trying to get out of the charge
> - give a blow job through the hosiery, ripping it and freeing him toward the end
> - would he like you to be more assertive in the bedroom?
> - could you agree to incorporate his fetish a certain number of times per month if he ups the ante for you a few times a month by doing something super masculine like 'taking' you or talking dirty?
> - can you look past the fact it's traditionally female garb and focus on his erection/excitement so that you feel excited about his hardness?
> - can you ask him to do what he normally does alone to show you what excites him - perhaps in a mutual masturbation session?
> 
> If you can find any way to maintain attraction - not to him in women's underwear but HIM. His body, his maleness, regardless of what he has on - I think that might help.
> 
> Or lastly you could ask him to keep it strictly private, that you don't want to know that side of him exists, but frankly that probably won't work long-term.
> 
> I don't have any experience with this - I'm just drawing off of the other posters.


As a husband with this fetish, I think Enjoliwoman is on to something here, BUT it sounds like first, you'd have to clear some hurdles. You've said it is his individual activity. He is different than me. 
I just feel like talking about my marriage a little. Take what you want from this, and I know this is not your situation. I yearn for my wife to be involved in my pantyhose-wearing. She doesn't get it or get turned on by it, but will indulge me by rubbing me with her hosed feet/legs. On a few occasions she had dressed me in them since she knows that gets me off. She really loves me and knows I need that.
Enjoliwoman talked about one thing that struck a chord with me:assertiveness 
Sometimes I want my wife to put on some sexy black pantyhose and just take the reigns and have this pantyhose thing out with me. Question me, make me be transparent with her - if that involves me wearing a pair of them and her restraining me first, so be it. To be sure, I've been transparent with her, but if she let me know that she really wanted to know all about it, it would be so much more fulfilling. 
Again, I'm talking about my own thing here. I just can't imagine any guy not wanting to share this with his wife, but at the same time, it is a very sensitive and vulnerable thing to bring up and a negative reaction to something so deep and personal - something which a guy doesn't have control over, can be devastating. And I mean that. So many times as a boy, I thought I'd grow out of this fetish, or I could overcome it. Surely no woman would ever accept it, let alone marry me with my condition. Then as a young man, I realized it's not going away, but getting stronger. I'm a Christian and I prayed about it many times just wanting to be pure and at least save it for marriage. I'd accumulate a stash of pantyhose, feel guilty and throw them away. Then I couldn't take it anymore and would buy a pair, then another. Maybe reading this all meant nothing to you, but I've read a lot of very similar story to mine. Guys who wear pantyhose pretty much have the same story in one form or another.
I hate to see a marriage on the rocks. Divorce is so common, yet so destructive. Every time I hear of one, I'm sad for the couple, kids(if they have any) and resulting friendships, etc that suffer from it. You are totally justified in your feelings about what has transpired. If it disgusts you, you can't help that. I guess the question is can you still love him? Don't make the decision to pursue legal action in haste, or even threats of it. I know how things can turn into a manipulative battle real quick.


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## Faithful Wife

jl2005...thank you for your post.

A question for you: can you/do you feel lust and sexual attraction for just your wife, as she is, without also secretly thinking about your fetish (if hose aren't involved during a particular sex experience)? The reason I ask is that when a person truly can't get off by and feel lust for their partner without the fetish being involved, there is always going to be a sexual problem with the couple.

I know couples who play like this with no problems and mutual fun for both people. But this isn't possible if one of them really only has lust for their fetish. When the fetish can be present and enjoyed sometimes, but completely absent other times, or when the couple can play other games that have nothing to do with the one fetish, it can work out great for them. Reciprocity and mutual lust for each other has to be present, without the fetish.

Otherwise, it just becomes the partner with the fetish only being able to get off on their fetish and not on their partner.

I'm concerned the husband of the OP may be one of those.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut

In all fairness lots of men are wearing pantyhose-like tights with no problem whatsoever. American football players, cross-country skiers, ballet dancers, wrestlers, speed skaters, gymnasts, bicyclers, hair-metal bands. Just to name a few.


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## Thundarr

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> In all fairness lots of men are wearing pantyhose-like tights with no problem whatsoever. American football players, cross-country skiers, ballet dancers, wrestlers, speed skaters, gymnasts, bicyclers, hair-metal bands. Just to name a few.


I don't think those are relative to the dynamics here. He's wearing pantyhose and her "VERY feminine thongs" to feel sexy which creeps her out. He also lies about it which may be the bigger problem.


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## annarara

Faithful wife - He is not one of those and can get aroused with out them. He explains it that he wears them kind of as a "warm up" to get him feeling sexy before he is with me. As I said before - I have not seen him in them and it is not part of our "routine". I am not interested in incorporating it because there has just been too much secrecy, pain and discourse over the whole thing.


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## richie33

If my wife was a amazing wife to me and great mother to my kids for many , many years and I found out she got off to wearing my underwear and work shirts I think it's something I can get over pretty easily. 
Do you think he is gay or a cross dresser?


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## annarara

richie 33 - I do not


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## richie33

Maybe MC is the way to go. That way you can express yourself in a safe place and tell him your hurt and he can open up about his kink and not feel shame.


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## annarara

We did MC and he lied through it and was not open. He did not like the therapist it turns out (literally found that out today) I wish he would have told me that during the year that we saw her -


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## AliceA

A therapist could help you both talk about an issue and come to an agreement on how to proceed, but if one or both of you do not like the therapist, or cannot be open and honest with a stranger about such a sensitive issue, it really just seems pointless.

What you cannot achieve with a therapist you could instead achieve by trying to be open and accepting with each other. jl2005 gave some great insight, I think that post could be a great gift to you in helping you understand what may be going on in your husband's mind.

Others have also pointed out that you don't have to play into his fetish in order to live with it, but you can be somewhat included in it by doing something you don't find a turn off, like wearing the pantyhose yourself, or just accepting that he needs some alone time sometimes to fulfil his needs.

I don't believe in forcing anyone into doing something they simply do not want to do. I think it is damaging to their relationship and their wellbeing, but there are compromises, things you may not initially feel completely comfortable with but may still find arousing.

As for his own feelings of being unattractive or fear of getting old or whatever he is going through, I think this can really be helped if your partner is loving, admiring, caring and considerate. You don't have to tell him he looks sexy in his high heels or pantyhose, but since I'm sure there are points when he is in attire you find more pleasing, you can show him those feelings still.

I think some points in our marriages can be very trying, but when you've both come through so many years together, I think it can be very worthwhile to go that extra distance and ride out the tough points, come to some place where you both can find peace with your differences.


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## Faithful Wife

annarara said:


> Faithful wife - He is not one of those and can get aroused with out them. He explains it that he wears them kind of as a "warm up" to get him feeling sexy before he is with me. As I said before - I have not seen him in them and it is not part of our "routine". I am not interested in incorporating it because there has just been too much secrecy, pain and discourse over the whole thing.


You say he can get aroused without them, but then you say he wears them to get feeling sexy before he is with you.

Can't he feel sexy with you without wearing them first?

That's kind of what I'm getting at.


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## annarara

That's a good question - that I will have to ask him. My guess is he will say no - he can get aroused by me so as to not hurt my feelings - but not sure?


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## nbvghj

Hi,
I am a Man on 42. I love woman with pantyhose and high heels, and I love wear Pantyhose and high heels. Until recently it was my 
secret.
3 weeks ago I talked about this with my wife, and she was pleasantly surprised that I share this with her. 
Since then we do not stop to make sex, both with pantyhose (open crotch pantyhose) and high heels and it's terrific.
We married from 17 years.


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## GA HEART

Forgive me, I didn't make it through all 8 pages of thread.

Try looking up "Mantyhose." It's pantyhose made for men. I saw a commercial about them once, don't know if they are still around. Since it's made FOR men, it might be a compromise?

My best friend's ex husband was like this. She found out about it much like you and struggled with it much like you. She stuck it out with him (even though he did cheat on her.....but he was a contractor overseas, they were separated for lengthy times.) But ultimately his alcoholism broke the marriage up. 

I also knew another guy who had this fetish. Never got down to the bottom of it because we didn't talk all that long. But I know he was very ashamed of it. He said it made him feel sexy. (He was an online friend who opened up to me about it one night while drunk, LOL!) He sent me pics, and wanted me to talk "down" to him. He was not gay. Now I wished I had stayed in touch so I could learn more. Ultimately, I didn't see him as partner material.......probably partly because of this issue. So I can somewhat understand what you are going through......although it stinks that you were married so long before it came out. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## GA HEART

Oh, ooops! Zombie thread! My bad!


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## dw2005

anarara, I see this thread dates back to last summer and I'd love to know how you two are doing. You are in a very similar situation to me. I found out after 17 years of marriage that my husband is a cross dresser. When I found out, we were drinking heavily and I thought it was just something he did when he got drunk. When we both stopped drinking, he said he'd throw out all the stuff he had (which was way more than just pantyhose!!). He threw it out, but the fact that he's a cross dresser has never gone away. He has never stopped. He takes my underwear and wears it, has bought multiple breast forms, set up a separate bank account so he could buy stuff from it, and I even found a PO box of his so he can have stuff shipped to it. In the last year, he has decided he can't hide this part of him anymore so he is going to a "support group" which is actually a bunch of guys who get together to dress up and put makeup on. At Christmastime, he bought himself more girl clothes than he bought me. 

I'm devastated beyond belief. We have 2 young boys. I don't want them finding that daddy likes to dress as a girl. I know this will never go away with him and he will always do this. I can't accept it. He got all dressed up for me one night with boobs, wig, and all, and I burst out crying. I was so upset the next day that I actually contemplated suicide. I too know when he feels guilty about on his iPad because he hides in the basement with it or hides in the bedroom. If I come in the room, he shuts the cover really fast and he deletes his history every time he closes it. Yes, there are not just issues with cross dressing. There are trust issues and unless you're right in it, you don't understand. I don't know what else my husband is hiding from me or lying to me about. Even if I asked him, I don't know if he'd be truthful. You've been dealing with it for 3 years and I've been dealing with it for 6. I know people say to just "deal with it", "think about how he feels", etc. Well, that's all I do all day is worry about my kids and everyone else so when do we get to worry about ourselves and our happiness and not feeling like we're living a lie every day?

I'm sorry for the rant, but today was the culmination of a lot of years of frustration on my part. I will be suggesting counseling and if he won't agree to that, then it will be over for me because I can't go on living this lie and feeling like I'm covering up for him.


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## cons

DW-

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's so difficult to separate from the non-disclosure and feel that this issue can be seen objectively. 

I'm guessing you don't want to shame your husband for this penchant of his. Yet- had you been aware of this before you met, you might have not chosen this. Now that you've been made aware of this 17 years in, you feel awful for wanting to have had that choice to begin with, and stuck that you can't make that decision without a huge cost to you, to him, and your children.

Please know, it's okay to say "I'm not okay with this"....
You're going to need to have a real tough discussion with your husband (perhaps in the presence of a counselor). 

Most likely your husband will not change and to expect him to repress would be difficult. So, the discussion would need to be focused on "how can we make this work with the knowledge of this, and what would you need as his wife to make this work."

If this is something you just cannot work with (Which is VERY okay- you have every right to feel this way), then you need to respectfully tell him that this marriage needs to end. 

Again- I am so sorry you were blind-sided like that.

Best of luck.


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## Angelou

What else could he be hiding from you?


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## ConanHub

Uuhhh. Gee wiz.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annarara

DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.


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## lonelyhusband321

annarara said:


> DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. *We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action *after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.


Talk and three dollars gets a cup of coffee.

If he's not taking action, the unfortunate next step may very well be the bid "D". Staying for the kids (IMHO) doesn't include THIS...


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## tacoma

I think a lot of posters just aren't getting this.

I can relate as I know if my wife were to discover I had a fetish for wearing feminine clothing it would entirely change the way she saw my sexuality in a bad way.

She is turned on by strong manly men and this would turn her world around because she couldn't envision a strong manly man in a pink lace thong and thigh highs.

She just couldn't do it, in her mind it would be as understandable as the concept of dry water.
She couldn't get past it.

If he's had this fetish since the beginning of your relationship then this whole thing is his fault for not trying to bring you into it before you were committed.

If he developed this fetish after you were committed then it's just sad and no ones fault.

I'm sure he's been hiding it because he's well aware of what your reaction would be as I already know what my wifes reaction would be.

However, I don't think any amount of counselling can change what properties you find attractive or unattractive in a man.


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## lonelyhusband321

tacoma said:


> I think a lot of posters just aren't getting this.
> 
> *I can relate as I know if my wife were to discover I had a fetish for wearing feminine clothing it would entirely change the way she saw my sexuality in a bad way.*
> She is turned on by strong manly men and this would turn her world around because she couldn't envision a strong manly man in a pink lace thong and thigh highs.
> 
> She just couldn't do it, in her mind it would be as understandable as the concept of dry water.
> She couldn't get past it.
> 
> If he's had this fetish since the beginning of your relationship then this whole thing is his fault for not trying to bring you into it before you were committed.
> 
> If he developed this fetish after you were committed then it's just sad and no ones fault.
> 
> I'm sure he's been hiding it because he's well aware of what your reaction would be as I already know what my wifes reaction would be.
> 
> However, I don't think any amount of counselling can change what properties you find attractive or unattractive in a man.


I think this is where OP is. She found out.

Just my two cents worth, and correct me if I am wrong, OP but the disconnect probably lies in trust. I' not sure who said it, but there's a saying that "if you can't be trusted with the little things you can't expect to be be trusted with the big things".

Discovering this (again - correct me if I am wrong, OP) likely shattered her trust...


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## SongoftheSouth

annarara said:


> DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.


Annara he is gay. Not your fault.


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## annarara

trust is for sure the issue = and I feel betrayed that he hid this from me. Had I known I would not have married him.


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## MachoMcCoy

annarara said:


> we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. (


Even with women's underwear on? Has anything changed there? 

I think he's gay. He can get aroused, just not with you. Recommend a three way as the only way to save your marriage. MMF. See how he interacts with the man.


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## annarara

no thanks -
:scratchhead:


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## cons

MMF???!!! Really?!!!

I am so sorry your efforts have not given more hopeful results. Do you and your husband discuss your plan outside of your sessions with the counselor? Is the counseling just being treated as a "check the box" moment ad perhaps your husband feels that by attending those...that is enough?

My husband struggles with sexual addiction and we need to discuss this as needed throughout our lives...we wouldn't get anywhere if we kept it all contained with a 50 minutes appointment and then left it by the wayside. 

From my perspective, it sounds like your husband is not being open to working on this together as partners.

Hoping the best with what you decide.


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## annarara

Cons - yes I think it is a check the box off - by showing up he thinks that is all that is needed


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## cons

Yep- unfortunately, IMO, the counseling is important, but even more important, is the continued vulnerable conversations that need to take place between the two of you.

I know my husband and I are not perfect at having those discussions..sometimes his shame can take hold and he fears divulging his true feelings. Or sometimes my fears reign and my focus is so misdirected to the offense that I fail to effectively share my own boundaries... it is a continuing process...fortunately for my husband and I- we are both ALL in....and each hill we climb together has been worth it. 

I would hope the same for you and your husband...but it needs to be a full joint effort to make it work...if not, it really has the potential to be a death by a thousand cuts.


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## MountainRunner

cons said:


> Yep- unfortunately, IMO, the counseling is important, but even more important, is the continued vulnerable conversations that need to take place between the two of you.
> 
> I know my husband and I are not perfect at having those discussions..sometimes his shame can take hold and he fears divulging his true feelings. Or sometimes my fears reign and my focus is so misdirected to the offense that I fail to effectively share my own boundaries... it is a continuing process...fortunately for my husband and I- we are both ALL in....and each hill we climb together has been worth it.
> 
> I would hope the same for you and your husband...but it needs to be a full joint effort to make it work...if not, it really has the potential to be a death by a thousand cuts.


I don't want to hijack, but I have to say that this post really "hits home" for me Cons. My situation/condition is similar to your husband's. For the very first time in my life, I have been "opening up" to a partner (my wife)...Scary as hell for me, but the rewards are paying off in spades for both of us. Thanks for posting.


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## Lon

Men are supposed to be masculine, and that means constantly without even a moments cessation for the duration of life. Any break in the visage translates to instant repulsion by virtually every desirable female. Yet there can be a huge arousal for many men to do something taboo that goes against what masculinity is supposed to be. That is where the shame is born and it is entirely rational for a man to fear his own personal thoughts or actions ever be discovered by anyone else including his spouse, the one who he is supposed to keep nothing from.

For me when I was younger, women's clothing was extremely sexualized for me, and on a few occasions I tried on ladies apparel. It never actually looked good, and it didn't take long for the shame to easily overpower the arousal, and long ago the novelty wore off. For me, I would gladly have had a sexy young girl and a wardrobe full of various undergarments to dress her in while I had my way. Images of attractive women wearing sexy clothes were all over but I could never actually touch, was never good at talking to the girls and never had a date with anyone sexually attractive to me. As a horny young kid that didn't have an outlet for my sensual and visual desires I had to get creative. That women or society would judge a guy for that is too bad, on the whole they just don't practice unconditional acceptance of something that claims no victims other than through unthoughtful stigmatization. I don't blame any guy for keeping such feelings closeted, the only thing more emasculating is to be found out, in this day and age it's 10x easier to be openly gay than to be openly enjoying of women's garments.


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## chillymorn

MachoMcCoy said:


> Even with women's underwear on? Has anything changed there?
> 
> I think he's gay. He can get aroused, just not with you. Recommend a three way as the only way to save your marriage. MMF. See how he interacts with the man.


this in my opinion is not a very good idea.

he most definitely is not gay he has a fetish and for the most part you can't break a fetish.

I think your well with in your right to feel the way you do.

now do what you know you need to do.
Tell him that you just can't be married to someone who hide this from you that you feel you married under false pretenses that you weren't given the choice to make the decision on your own on if you could marry someone with this fetish.

be polite but stern and set the ball in motion so you can move on with your life.


good luck


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## annarara

For the record I am 99.9% sure he is not gay. I think he has trust issues (with me and everyone). He is not able to open up and be honest with himself or anyone (including me). What I thought could bring us closer - in opening communication as we worked through this has more so torn us apart.


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## Cynthia

annarara said:


> What I thought could bring us closer - in opening communication as we worked through this has more so torn us apart.


His fear has come upon him. He was afraid to tell the truth and now that it's out and you two are talking about it, things have gotten worse. Probably the reason why he has not been able to maintain an erection is due to this issue. If he feels ashamed when trying to make love, that is a real turn off right there.


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## meappr01

I fully understand the issue here. It is trust. See, I am a pantyhose loving married man. I told my wife while we were dating and she was okay with it. Then I screwed up and she found that I was admiring ladies in pantyhose on line, not porn, just nicely dressed women. That caused a her to HUGE trust issue with me. 

She began questioning everything I was doing, where I was going, checking my computer, phone and anything else she could think about checking in on me about. She thought for sure I was cheating until she realized that I was home every night and during the day I was working. 

Bring it to today. For the first time in 5 years we had sex together with us both in hose. she was okay with it as long as I kept it with her which she stated in our last conversation about it. Her trust in me has been rebuilt and we do have a lot of fun doing other things like camping, fishing, geocaching, and going out to dinners. 

Now over the past few years, I have not been able to perform like I use to, and I have told her about this, now she takes it on as a mission to see if I can get ready to perform. When one time I wore hose, I still had the same performance issue and she worked hard to get me ready to perform and at that it was sub par in my mind. 

So the biggest issue is TRUST. If there is no trust, there can be no relationship. What will it take for the OP to regain the trust? It is something that will take a long time. 

Is annarara ready to make that commitment to allowing him to show that he can be trusted? From this point forward, can annarara treat the pantyhose as just a piece of clothing? (which is really is). 

I know what the OP is going through and what others have said. This fetish will not go away. I have had it for 35 years. Why do I wear pantyhose? I love the feel and I love the look. I love the feeling of making love to my wife with us both wearing them. I love feeling her hands on me with me wearing them. 

Now annarara, you have been dealing with this for over three years and your relationship is getting worse. Have you just once, asked him to wear them with shorts in a masculine way in front of you? You do not have to touch him, heck have him sit at a table so you cannot even see that he has them on and then judge his reaction and how he is with you. I challenge you to try it. Then talk to him about it and then talk to him about the trust and the turn off for you (again). 

I do know one thing, he has a nylon gene and his brain, like mine, is wired around the feel of pantyhose. I am not sure if any of this will help. sorry for any typos


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## lonelyhusband321

CynthiaDe said:


> His fear has come upon him. He was afraid to tell the truth and now that it's out and you two are talking about it, things have gotten worse. Probably the reason why he has not been able to maintain an erection is due to this issue. If he feels ashamed when trying to make love, that is a real turn off right there.


:iagree:

I think you're all over it, CD. Having been "outed" is probably damaging to him. I'm sure it hit him pretty hard.

It doesn't sound like he's really taking any measures to change anything, though and it seems like OP has VERY few options left her.

Hope everything works out for the best, OP.


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## Cynthia

lonelyhusband321 said:


> It doesn't sound like he's really taking any measures to change anything, though and it seems like OP has VERY few options left her.


No, it doesn't sound like he is actually doing anything to resolve the problems. He has continued to lie and has pretended that he has quit, when he hasn't. What does he really want to do? What are his expectations? How does he think this can be worked out? Has he given any answers to these questions?


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## annarara

He claims that he has quit (has claimed this several times over the last few years and I have found them). He wears a rubber band on his wrist which he says reminds me of me and what he would lose if he does it again. I have told him if that is who he is - be that person. It just can't be with me because it is such a huge turn off to me. He claims he would rather be with me than wear the pantyhose - but??? We used to have great sex, he was flirty with me and we had a great time. Since I have discovered his secret that has all changed and at this point we are really just room mates. I really do not want to be divorced but also do not want to be in a sexless platonic marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty

He does not understand the fact that you lost attraction for him, and no matter what people say, it is an important component of love.

TBH, I believe that the only reason why he is placating you now is because you have one foot out the door. Fetishes and kinks, simply do not go away on will alone, if ever. It is hard wired into his sexuality. To you, he lost his masculinity, which is an important part of your attraction. Some women can handle it, but a majority cannot. He is better matched with one of those women who can. What attraction one person has, another might not have it. Who is to say he might not hate you in the future for not letting him express himself.


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## Observer

It sounds like you want him not only to not wear them, you want him to think it's gross too? You want him to change who he is. Look, I understand how you feel, but many have pointed out, he will always be into this, even if he supresses it. So where does that leave you? You husband has a fetish that you find extremely unattractive. Even if he does not practice it, you know he has it so that is going to stick in youre mind. I would start sorting this out and walk the logic trail here. The only hope you have to have the marriage you want is if you accept his fetish. If you cannot, you will have to divorce or settle for something you will less happy with. Good luck in your decision.


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## Lon

Mr.Fisty said:


> He does not understand the fact that you lost attraction for him, and no matter what people say, it is an important component of love.
> 
> TBH, I believe that the only reason why he is placating you now is because you have one foot out the door. Fetishes and kinks, simply do not go away on will alone, if ever. It is hard wired into his sexuality. To you, he lost his masculinity, which is an important part of your attraction. Some women can handle it, but a majority cannot. He is better matched with one of those women who can. What attraction one person has, another might not have it. Who is to say he might not hate you in the future for not letting him express himself.


His problem is that he likely knows clearly he's never going to be able to drop the fetish, but the woman he loves is repulsed by it and it clear to him that to be true to himself and honest with his W is a guarantee she will leave the relationship. He also realizes 99% of women would never accept him as is for a long term committed relationship, and those that would probably have some serious issues of their own which he is not capable of dealing with. If his W leaves him there is a strong likelihood he will never be in an honest, open relationship ever again, which adds to his extreme motivation to try to pretend like he can overcome this.


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## annarara

Lon I think you are completely correct.


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## Lon

annarara said:


> Lon I think you are completely correct.


I have mixed feelings on the fact that I'm close to the truth a) it is too bad that the colour, shape or material of some inanimate object can so effectively kill attraction and be a dealbreaker?? If a relationship was good in every single way, mutual respect, love, support, and sexual fulfillment, why end such a good thing over a frivolous thing? b) if its such a frivolous thing, why does it captivate someone so much, to the point of obsession where the only way he is willing to get any kind of sexual fulfillment is by having to wear such a thing in the act of sex, every time?

The same way his appeal is so strong is I guess the same reason your revulsion is equally strong. I think it is his demonstrated extreme weakness to be able to control this impulse that is repulsive to you. If your H wore it confidently, and only on the very rare occasion, and could perform just as well without his kinky little add-on but still wanted the experience, who would be the weak one for being insecure about some panthyhose?

I think it's a pity that two people in a relationship give so much power to such a little thing, especially when it is so important with an intimate partner to be able to reveal our vulnerability. If all else is otherwise good in the relationship, work on finding a way to get past this. But I also suspect if this one little thing is of such importance, then there is a lot more wrong with the relationship than a guy putting some mesh on his legs.


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## annarara

This was done in secret - with only himself. I have not seen him in them - nor do I want to. The thought of it completely emasculates him to me. You are correct in that there must be more to it than a little mesh (I think were your words). It is trust, lying, lack of communication and secrecy that all plays in to the deterioration of the marriage. We saw a marriage counselor together and he lied the entire time - saying he was not doing it because the marriage was so important to him. How can the councilor work with him if he is not honest? We saw her together and one on one. I do think he as some hatred and resentment toward me. I feel mislead and a bit betrayed. He is not the man I thought I married - and I do see him in a different light unfortunately.


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## Lon

How you choose to see him, the part of him you know, is entirely on you. He is still the man you thought you married, just plus this extra thing. He has secret because he is not accepted unconditionally. If it's the loss of trust that causes issue for you, then let him have his thing in his own time, ask him to reveal all his other secrets and offer unconditional acceptance, and encourage him to freely pursue his masturbatory practice so long as he crosses no martial boundaries, remains faithful, is never deceitful and continues to meet your relationship needs. You are allowed to plainly tell him you have no interest in him doing this activity with you, and turn him down if he tries. If sexual needs are mutually not being met then you can both arrive together at the decision of whether or not to continue the relationship, or how to continue. Good luck, I imagine this is tough, I just think you need to detach from the idea that this kink defines who he is, and realize that this deceipt is largely circumstantial and not about his integrity of character, and likely doesn't spill over into other infidelities.


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## Observer

annarara said:


> This was done in secret - with only himself. I have not seen him in them - nor do I want to. The thought of it completely emasculates him to me. You are correct in that there must be more to it than a little mesh (I think were your words). It is trust, lying, lack of communication and secrecy that all plays in to the deterioration of the marriage. We saw a marriage counselor together and he lied the entire time - saying he was not doing it because the marriage was so important to him. How can the councilor work with him if he is not honest? We saw her together and one on one. I do think he as some hatred and resentment toward me. I feel mislead and a bit betrayed. He is not the man I thought I married - and I do see him in a different light unfortunately.


You have received a lot of feedback, I suspect it will take some time to process it all. Really tough spot you are in, I am sorry for you. Hope you keep us up dated with how you work through it all.


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## SamuraiJack

This is just a silly idea that popped into my head...but have you tested for Low T?

A small fetish could rapidly turn into a big one if the perceptual need for the kink was magnified by his gradually failing erections. In many fetish situations the need for "a little more" can take on gigantic proportions if it runs wild.
Maybe he noticed the flagging performance and thout he needed more panty hose...when what is really going on is his T levels are dropping.
Antidepressants could aslo magnify this effect.

Just a thought.
I didnt get a chance to reread the whole posting.


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## annarara

He does have low T - was tested a few years back. Refuses to take anything to increase it.


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## cons

Annarara-

I think you got some great feedback from Lon.

When I first discovered my husband's sex addiction, I was very stuck in the betrayed mode. YES- I was betrayed. He was not honest with me throughout our dating/engagement/early marriage as to the level of this addiction. Even, at first, when I just wanted the whole truth....it came out in small doses (prolonging the fears and distrust)...I have come to accept that I probably do not know all of the sordid details. But I can honestly say that, because I was able to show him this "unconditional" (not sure if this is the best word- but I digress...) we were able to grow together in making this work for us.... It wasn't a smooth path (there were regressions) but I have no doubt in my husband's love and care for me...for US. We were able to establish some boundaries for our relationship- where I can be truly cherished as his wife- set apart from any other.

Yes- he more than likely will cross a boundary again...it is the nature of the impulse. But, I couldn't ask for a more caring and loving man in my life. This labor of love is worth it...

You are in a tough spot...and please know....it's okay to choose that this isn't right for you...I would just strongly recommend that you choose fully....Either stay and be a part of the solution that works for both you and your husband (I'm sorry, but your husband abstaining from this fetish is not a good option) or separate...prolonging the latter decision will cause a lot of heartache for all involved.


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## annarara

Thought I would share an update. I have read - and reread the posts on this forum. Some I agree with - some I don't but many many many made me really think about things. My therapist suggested that I just live. Meaning stop focusing on this issue, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it - and just live. Have followed that for a few weeks and have to say things have been pretty good. I am married to a good man that has a fetish that I do not like. He is very aware of that and would not ever wear them in front of me. My hope is that he does not do it ever again - however I realize that is probably not going to happen. The reality is that he most likely will and I really just don't want to know about or think about it. We have a really nice life together with 2 teenage kids, a nice house, etc. I love him. I want to be married to him. I thank you for the kind words of advice. I am hopeful that things will turn out as they should.


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## cons

Thanks for the update...

It sounds like you've been able to give yourself some mental/emotional reprieve...

Be good to yourself...do good self-care...continue to strengthen yourself in all areas...

I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to tackle this together.

Hugs and best wishes


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## Cynthia

annarara said:


> Thought I would share an update. I have read - and reread the posts on this forum. Some I agree with - some I don't but many many many made me really think about things. My therapist suggested that I just live. Meaning stop focusing on this issue, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it - and just live. Have followed that for a few weeks and have to say things have been pretty good. I am married to a good man that has a fetish that I do not like. He is very aware of that and would not ever wear them in front of me. My hope is that he does not do it ever again - however I realize that is probably not going to happen. The reality is that he most likely will and I really just don't want to know about or think about it. We have a really nice life together with 2 teenage kids, a nice house, etc. I love him. I want to be married to him. I thank you for the kind words of advice. I am hopeful that things will turn out as they should.


This sounds hopeful. You are dwelling on the positive and ignoring something that you don't have to let impact you. Normally I believe in facing and working through thing, but in some cases, it's better to let it go and, like you said, "just live."


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## chillymorn

annarara said:


> Thought I would share an update. I have read - and reread the posts on this forum. Some I agree with - some I don't but many many many made me really think about things. My therapist suggested that I just live. Meaning stop focusing on this issue, stop talking about it, stop thinking about it - and just live. Have followed that for a few weeks and have to say things have been pretty good. I am married to a good man that has a fetish that I do not like. He is very aware of that and would not ever wear them in front of me. My hope is that he does not do it ever again - however I realize that is probably not going to happen. The reality is that he most likely will and I really just don't want to know about or think about it. We have a really nice life together with 2 teenage kids, a nice house, etc. I love him. I want to be married to him. I thank you for the kind words of advice. I am hopeful that things will turn out as they should.


fantastic attitude.

But maybe get your ducks in a row as a back up plan.

or at least be an active part the the finances.


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## flyer

Well, to be honest with everyone. I had heard of hunters wearing pantyhose to help stay warm. So, I bought some to try while riding the motorcycle in the cold. They did help in keeping me warm but, it was a pita to go to the restroom. So, I scrapped that idea and just bought me some heated gear.


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## northerly

I like the feeling of wearing pantyhose as well.I discovered that support hose really help my legs.I work on my feet all day and i found out more by mistake they really give your legs a lift.


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread


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