# Non physical cheating?



## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

I'm not even really sure where to begin, but I need advice because I simply don't know what to do and am in a delicate situation and feel that my marriage is hanging by a thread. I have been married for over 8 years now and am 28 years old, I got married at 19 and we have no children yet because we are going to college. At some point over the Spring semester last year my husband met Abby, a 19 year old girl from a very poor family who is very pretty and smart She also happens to be part of my husbands large group of friends. found herself in a bad situation over the Summer semester with no where to stay to go to school (and honestly it was at this point where I should have done something, but I was worried that it would drive a rift between us because he wanted to help her so badly) so he wanted to let her stay on our couch over the summer and I said yes. She stayed for the summer and everything seemed fine until the last few weeks. 

One night the three of us were at our apartment and she was helping me edit my paper for English when in passing she made a comment about my husband being bisexual, something I had never heard before ever. I waited til she left and asked him if he was and he said yes and so I asked him why she knows and I didn't, to which he replied that Abby is easier to talk to then me and that he tells her everything. He also regularly makes comments when she mentions a feature about herself that she doesn`t like how if he weren't married he would take her in a manly fashion. 

I have asked him repeatedly if anything has ever happened between hem sexually and he has always firmly said no, but there is clearly some emotional dependency between these two, I would honestly say it's a non sexual relationship (assuming he isn`t lying). I think it could easily become sexual with the right circumstances because there is already an admitted attraction that they are both aware of.

At the same time I do not wish to over or under react to the situation I am in. My mom developed a relationship with another man when I was in 8th grade and throughout high school until my parents finally separated when i was 19. Whether or not they were ever just friends is unknown to me but I watched it clearly become an affair and those two are now married. This is the reason I am worried about how to respond besides that since everyone is friends and there is no way I am even monitor whether they are around each other or not that doing anything could mess things up even more. I have started talking to a friend about it but they also know my husband along with basically everyone else I know and are likely to say something to him which would make the situation worse. What should I do?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

don't say anything. Just gather information. You need to get into his phone is text see how often there talking and see what they're talking about. Check email. Any chat application she has. Skype. Also put a voice activated recorder in his car and also one in the house 

you know what you're seeing happening before you. this isn't going to be easy because it's been going on for so long. 

when you get the information that you need do not tell him how you got it. he's going to lie and deny and the only thing he'll admit to is what you already know. 

if it hasn't gone physical yet he's going to make you feel crazy because it's just emotional and if he doesn't buy into the concept of emotional affairs than you have an uphill battle in your argument. 

how is your sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

You need to research what an Emotional Affair is and realize that it can be far more damaging than a physical one. You do need to react though far be it an overreaction your situation will only grow worse over time and you need to act quickly. Get aggressive in your need to obtain the truth and realize your i for one hell of a fight, and that your first overall action is to accept the situation for what it is, an affair.

As for him being bisexual, that is merely an attraction preference, not an emotional one. Find the newbie thread and weightlifters evidence gathering thread, start there and plan your battle accordingly.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

uggh!

they sound way too close for you two being married. It sounds like there is a lot of sexual tension between them too. I guess that is marginally ok ONLY if it stays just sexual tension. If they are actively flirting with each other...then it might be a ticking time bomb before they both do the deed.

She needs to get out of the house, obviously. Unless of course you want to open up your marriage to her as a sex partner. She is obviously into him, and he her. A very few people DO make such a situation work. But if the thought of FMF sex turns you way off, she needs to be as far away from him as is possible. No shared classes, not going out with friends if you are not with him, etc.

The bisexual nature of your hubby is another matter. I would figure out if he has or has not actually had any gay sex acts with another man. If he has, and the horse is out of the barn...well you need to figure out what boundaries going forward. Will you be ok with him masturbating to gay porn. Would you be ok with him sporadically seeing a close male friend? Is this a deal breaker?

Some women, again a very few, set up MFM sex trysts to have both men please them, and give your bi hubby something to play with, but under your tight control


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

First off welcome to the forum..
Secondly welcome to life and marriage..

Dear, this is it... This is life and marriage.. Either you're in it or you're not..

IF you can't talk about this with your husband and he can't tell YOU his own wife that he was bisexual then what is the point of all of this.. 

I'm surprised you're not pissed that he told this other girl/woman things that you should have known first.. 

Simply, you should know everything first.. If you have to hear it from someone else about the man you sleep and fvck then there is something wrong..

Is it cheating ? No.. 

Non physical cheating is called an Emotional Affair.. 

You haven't really expressed anything here, not even an Emotional Affair ( EA as it is called here )..

Your allowed to be insecure and its okay.. But you need to be secure that you can talk to your husband about it and that he will respond well to what you're feeling..

Try to understand and find out why he can go to her with stuff that he should be going to you with and why does he feel you are not open enough to hear him.. 

Simply these types of things are what put rifts in a marriage and it makes spouses wonder, *"What else isn't he telling me ?..*"

Further even though this girl is young.. Did she tell you out of matter of fact ? Or was she questioning you ? Like* "Did you know your husband is BI ?"* Or was it more like *"How do you feel knowing your husband is BI"*..

Further this is what stuck in my craw.. If he told her and he is telling you it is easier to tell her then you.. Then I would imagine it came up that he never told you to her, if you get what I mean.. I could imagine him saying something like *"My wife doesn't even know this but I'm BI"*..

So I'm wondering what was this girls angle on this. Was it a gloating and tossing it in your face thing ?.. Again that is kid stuff, but it is a sign of marking off territory and ownership.. 

Basically telling you He tells me things he doesn't tell you,, NAH, NAH, NAH ...

Again don't get upset but understand what your might be truly lacking with YOUR HUSBAND communication wise and get some ground rules straight if this girl is gonna stay any longer with you both..


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

it would be better if i felt like doing it more. he is more than willing to, we did once last week (period since just now off). He has a high libido anyways so that wouldn't impact much if it is physical between them. The problem now is i am so upset and i know we don`t agree on what he is doing being anything that is wrong. But I feel that way and I don't know if I can do it and just pretend nothing is wrong, or even go about daily life pretending nothing is wrong. I am hurt and feel like i am losing my other half and that there is nothing i can do about it but monitor it until it fully happens. I have only found out their relationship is different then i had thought for less then a week and we only discussed it possibly being an issue yesterday.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The greatest betrayal here is that he is bisexual and never told you before you got married.

The whole situation is not compatible with a long term successful marriage. Married too young, didn't tell each other imporant things prior to marriage, still in college... College is a major prolem in that the sphere of college is fun causal sex and not marriage...

Where is the money coming from?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

I guess I should have mentioned when I said she stayed for the summer semester that it was just for the summer to help her out, not a permanent thing she has been gone for a couple of months from the apartment. Also she didn't tell me he is bi she made a comment to him about him being bi while she was reading my paper, i just happened to be there and overhear it, which is what opened all this crap up, because like you guys I've got a problem with not being the one he told this to and only knowing it because of directly asking after a comment she made about him liking guys. The fact that he has admitted he can talk to her more easily and has told her stuff he hadn`t told me and that he sees no issue with what he is doing or plans to stop tells me he is having an emotional affair. He has basically admitted to it without that terminology. It's plainly obvious seeing them together and hearing him talk about her that they are having an emotional affair. That is has progressed so far and that there is ample opportunity for something to happen if they want it to or the right emotional situation comes along and pushes them to it is what worries me. Along with him saying that he sees no problem telling someone he is attracted to and likes him back and already has an emotional relationship with that he would have sex with them if i wasn't in the picture. Clearly there is a lot wrong with our relationship if he can tell someone else besides me, before me that he is bi and then thinks telling me that she is easier to talk to is a justifiable reason as to why.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you are going to hear a lot of him justify his behaviour in the near future. Get used to it. 

is bisexuality is also a concern. When's the last time he was with a man? 

you're talking about sex. They might also be having it. 

it's okay that you're upset and it's not like he'd be surprised that you're upset. but that doesn't mean that you don't need to go into Detective Mode. Look up the standard evidence gathering thread.

how often does he go to her house or apartment? Have you been there? 

you can put your foot down and tell him to you are ready to leave the marriage if he does not end his relationship with this girl but I suspect he will choose to end the marriage if you do that. but in the end if he doesn't want to give her all he's not going to give her up so you need to decide whether you can accept her in your life. 

if you were to split up with him what are your logistics? also are his parents supportive of your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

How about him being just gay, having a best friend who is female. That would explain some things.

I am sorry if that would blow up your marriage, but you will find out anyway how it is soon.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The greatest betrayal here is that he is bisexual and never told you before you got married.


Absolutely; and that he would tell this OW, something so important, so intimate - about himself, instead of you. No doubt it's an EA, and if it's not already a PA, it's close.

You should insist on no-contact and him sending her a no contact letter. Then start investigating his communication discreetly. Cell phone records, VAR in his car, key logger on his computer.

And a word to the wise; allowing your husband's opposite sex friend to do a 3 month sleepover? Not a good idea.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Absolutely; and that he would tell this OW, something so important, so intimate - about himself, instead of you. No doubt it's an EA, and if it's not already a PA, it's close.
> 
> You should insist on no-contact and him sending her a no contact letter. Then start investigating his communication discreetly. Cell phone records, VAR in his car, key logger on his computer.
> 
> And a word to the wise; allowing your husband's opposite sex friend to do a 3 month sleepover? Not a good idea.


It meant enough to my husband that i did it for him to be happy. he wanted to help her and i care about people. there was a lot of pressure from various sides to do it. i didn`t know what their relationship was like because at the time i was finishing doing an 18 credit hour semester while working full time.

The problem with telling him no contact is i have absolutely no way of enforcing it or monitoring it, besides by forum detective ways. I'm a full time student and i work full time besides. As does he, the only difference is he works at the school, which is where he met her and obviously sees her regularly along with all his other friends. We have to both work full time to live and we have to go to school full time to get loans. And he has 8 hours a day of the apartment to himself. She lives on campus in dorms, I've never been there but who knows if he has. 

I'm not ok with their relationship and i don't want her around me, i thought she respected me more then she obviously does. I also can't afford to live alone and my parents aren't even close to my school so i can't go back to them. 

I guess i should do some detective work and then if i find out he isn't in this, then i guess i can pretend the same and stay til i get my degree, or at least some sort of financial cushion for when the shoe drops and then gtfo.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

being so young, he is probably NOT doing anything online to hide his conversations. So you can go all sherlock holmes on him, install a keylogger on his computer, software on his phone, and capture all his text messaging, etc...even deleted stuff. You can find his passwords, figure out if he has secret email accounts, etc.

IF after a month of so of snopping, he is NOT shtooping this woman in her dorm room, or cruising gay bars for guys...then you are in-luck. Just have to sit down with him, and seriously/honestly establish boundaries for the two of you with future relationships. 

And what is good for the goose is good for the gander...if he is Bi and wanting to find other partners, then he has to be ok with you finding other partners too. And the whole STD thing has to be dealt with...condoms each and every time. maybe he can limit his activity to watching gay porn only?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

i doubt there would be much going on online, although i will still be checking, i am more concerned about whats happening at school and either home. and i want to get an idea of what these conversations are like. he is extremely defensive of the relationship and doesn`t want to give it up so i`m sure he`ll be trying to convince me that nothing is going on. while i could just hang out with his friends at school and be around them i don`t think i would learn anything from doing so and i would probablyt start failing my classes from not studying so i think i will stick to forum spy methods. i don`t think the bi thing is so much about having sex with guys as much as admitting that he is attracted to them in the first place. i'm bi. i don`t find the need to go around having sex with a bunch of girls, doesn't mean i don't want to, just means i don't which is why i'm not really responding to that issue. the reason i brought up the fact he is bi is because that is what i found out she knew about him that i didn`t know and so you would know how far their communication goes beyond what i know. my husband knows i'm bi and didn't tell me as well, so maybe that makes it even worse. its bad either way.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Want2StayMarried said:


> The problem with telling him no contact is i have absolutely no way of enforcing it or monitoring it, besides by forum detective ways.


That's not really a problem, just an inconvenience. You have to insist on no contact, a no contact letter, and him being tranparent with his communications so you can confirm it as best you can.

He needs to understand that it's his choice, her or you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are not a man. Also, men are much more likely to be ready and willing for a quickie than a woman.

Don't ignore important info.

They may have talked threesome. 

He may have also lied to her.

Who knows? 

When problem solving you must never draw conclusions based on what you think. Only what you know. And at this point you learned you don't know him as well as you thought you did. 

She probably visits your house when you are gone. Two VARs. Bedroom and wherever he hangs out the most.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening want2staymarried
I'm going to give a very different suggestion from everyone else.

An emotional affair CAN be really bad - but I also think it may be easier to fix than a physical affair. An emotional affair happens when someone feels that they need something they can't get from their partner.

In this case, for whatever reason, he didn't feel like he coudl tell you that he is bisexual. If you make it clear to him (and follow up on this) that he can tell you ANYTHING. That you are the first person he can talk to, and that you will not judge him for anything, he will no longer feel he needs another outlet. 

Many times people have difficulty talking to a long term partner because so much is at stake. If you tell a friend something and the disapprove, well maybe the friendship is weakened. If you tell your partner you risk losing the person you love.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Or he lies to both women. Cheaters do that you know.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Let me break it down for you.

Your husband bent over backwards to help her. He insisted she sleep on your couch. He states that he tells her everything, and she is easier to talk to than you.

Damn Right he has a hard on for her. And with a hard on comes the need to do something about it.

Problem you have is gathering the proof.

Stop asking him questions, play dumb wife for a while and plant a VAR in his car, and around the house then convienently arrange to go out with some girlfriends a couple of times.

Should have some answers pretty quick.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

I think i obviously need to find out more information about what is going on when i'm not around. i went to the Standard evidence post which has a lot of great voice and computer tips, maybe i missed it but i did not see video options? do you guys think that is less useful or that the voice one is so good you really don`t need video? I have a computer that regularly sits on my desk which is facing my bed. if there is a way to record inconspicuously from my computer via webcam or whatever that would be helpful, so long as its not obvious that its happening. there are other places in the bedroom i could easily hide a var as well. the living room shouldn`t be a problem either. What would u suggest for hiding something in his backpack or something possibly so i can hear whats going on while he is at school? that is my main concern besides the apartment. i could probably hide surveillance in the school areas i know he goes with everyone, but i don`t know what more private areas he might use. i need something to put on him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Does your computer have a password that he knows?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

i could change it but it would be suspicious to him so might just be better placing something?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

loveacher said:


> It seems that you are in a mess now! I thought you get hurt when you were young. As you say, if your husband always talks with Abby, they are likely to have a sexual relationship with the right circumstances. And even she lives in your home, which is really very dangerous, i think. Maybe some monitoring is essential, can help you gather more infomation.


she doesn't still live with us that was only over the summer because she was in a bad spot living with with a horrible guy who locked her out at night sometimes and it was a crazy mess which is why i let her stay with us briefly. if anything was going on then they are either amazing at hiding stuff or this developed after because there were no indications that anything weird was going on at all. it hasn't been til recently maybe the last month or so that he has been really weird about her and defensive about their relationship. 

Now i think he is trying to pretend that everything is normal again, he cooked me dinner and isn't fighting or defending their relationship he just is agreeing not to talk to her about things instead of me. He seems genuine, but this is all too weird at this point so i`m going to proceed with surveillance measures. I am still trying to think of something i could plant in his backpack for school if anyone knows anything i could use.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

At least she is out of the house now. I was about to say, that I will never have a female stay indefinitely in my home. Just read Wendy D ang's page on Wikipedia.org

No amount of desire to do charity is going to put me in a position where I am going to risk getting kicked out of my home.

FTR, OP, an emotional affair can be very toxic to your marriage. OVer time, you will not like that a woman (or more than one) knows more about your husband than you do. Not to mention the fact, that he may be employing advice that these women are telling him to do.

The first year of my relationship with my husband (4 years together, 3 months married), was marred by a "special friend." I now know that some questions that he had asked me were ones that she told him to ask.... like how long have you been divorced. She made jokes about advanced age (she is 21 years younger than I) and so he made jokes about that to me. 

And while he was closing bar tabs for her and her friends, he was following her advice to make sure that I didn't use him for his money. 

That woman is completely out of our lives...... so much for OSFs. And you can be sure that if she ever tries to contact him, I will completely savage her (verbally of course).

OP, I know that a university set up can be a tower of Babel. but you can on a case by case basis, figure out ways to freeze her out of your and your husband's life.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No, his relationship with her just took the next dangerous step... underground.

It will escalate rapidly. Monitor.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> No, his relationship with her just took the next dangerous step... underground.
> 
> It will escalate rapidly. Monitor.


no worries clipclop2... well worry that my husband is cheating on me, but not that i am dumb enough to not see what is going on. I know what is going on with these tactics. he has clearly forgotten that i watched my mom do the same thing to my dad for about a decade before he kicked her out. He tried to make it work he told her it was inappropriate, he had the whole family tell her it was inappropriate. it never stopped. i'm not going to waste my time on a man that would do that to me. if its more than emotional its done and i'll find out soon enough. i've ordered my vars and other stuff i made a new email and ordered with ties to it and am having someone he knows by face but not socially (because its my friend) accept the shipment at her place so he won`t know it exists. she doesn`t even know it exists i asked if i could have something shipped there and she just agreed without asking so unless she opens it i`m the only one who knows i got it. she also doesn`t know the situation or the ow. so pretty good start yeah? the other part is even if he finds them, i`m in college so i have legitimate reasons to have them. i can use excuse multiples with oh so thats where that went. but i doubt he`ll look or realize i`m even suspicious because i`m not going to show up around them i`m not asking him anything else about it and i'm going to keep sleeping with him to make sure suspicions don't arise on his part because why not? if he is cheating on me he is already sleeping with both of us anyways, the only difference is now i'm aware that that potential exists. 

i`ve looked through his computer theres not much there, i didn't think there would be, what was there was concerning in regards to the way they have wrote each other but its brief and there isn`t much of it because they can see each other privately basically everyday at school. i'm hoping i can come up with a solution to school monitoring because i need one. especially if i don't get much or anything at home from that monitoring. 

do i also have to keep pretending to be friends with this woman? i barely see her but still we're suppose to be friends. if i'm trying to do surveillance i have to pretend everything is fine and i`ve it given up? i mean i don`t want him to talk to her ever again let alone myself but until i know what is occurring and whether i want to stay with my spouse that seems like it would only be detrimental to discovery. any tips for how to do that? can i go back afterwards once i assess the situation and tell him to stay away from her assuming it works out...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The sex thing can put you in danger though. Affair sex is notorious for being unprotected.

I think you can tell him what you require and what your boundaries are but you must be willing to walk away if he won't honour them. He is free to choose to maintain that relationship and you are free to file for divorce. The relationship had already crossed the line into inappropriate even if it hasn't yet gone physical so you are well within your rights to require safety from the threat she poses. Absolutely.

Once you are sure it hasn't gone there get the book NOT JUST FRIENDS. Read it together.

A lot of people refuse to accept the concept of an emotional affair. They have to get their head around the fact that a marital relationship is intimate not based solely on sex. Thing is, most of the time they also know deep down that what they are doing is wrong. They know they have deceived their spouse FOR the other person one or more times. Lying about where they were, what they did, said, etc.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> The sex thing can put you in danger though. Affair sex is notorious for being unprotected.
> 
> I think you can tell him what you require and what your boundaries are but you must be willing to walk away if he won't honour them. He is free to choose to maintain that relationship and you are free to file for divorce. The relationship had already crossed the line into inappropriate even if it hasn't yet gone physical so you are well within your rights to require safety from the threat she poses. Absolutely.
> 
> ...


i get the std thing, i do, but if they are already doing it i am already exposed. i'll also get my free yearly testing done at the school and see if there is an obvious answer to whether or not he is cheating. i know i could walk away and be justified. i don`t want to if he is going to end it and isn`t sleeping with her. if he is sleeping with her its over. if he continues seeing her after i ascertain what is going on and deem it is worth trying to make the marriage work then its over. sure i could tell him right now to stay away from her, but i want to know what is currently going on and what they are doing. then if its nothing short of the emotional affair i can continue monitoring after i tell him to stay away and see if he does. i want to know the extent of the lying and everything, considering he doesn't have a right to have this kind of relationship with another woman and hide it from me i feel i have a right to know whatever the heck i want to know about it and the only way i can truly know is to find out myself.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

I just wanted to let you know that just because i haven't responded to what you have posted does not mean i didn't read/value it. it just means i don`t know how to respond. if u asked me 8 days ago i would have said i was happily married. i am trying to process everything and keep doing everything i need to do everyday such as work and go to classes. studying right now is basically a joke despite having an exam later today. all i can think about is that my marriage might be over. i moved to the states for this man leaving all my family behind. almost everyone i know is through him and is friends with him. i've been with him for almost a third of my life. i can plan out how to leave, i can financially figure things out and work and keep going to school, but if we do end up apart i won`t have anyone here. how do i deal with that? i haven't been an adult and not been with him. i don't know how to, if its even possible, to emotionally prepare for this. and i won't have anyone to talk to in my life after. i guess besides discovering the worst, i don't want to have no one and deal with this alone.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

I'm torn. I want her out of the picture NOW, so badly, but if i do that it will be 1000% harder to catch them won't it? if it continues? or is that not an issue with surveillance? also how would i know the extent of their relationship if i tell him to cut it? uggghhh i don`t want to pretend to be her friend i don`t want to pretend i`m fine. i want to scream and throw things and tell him he ****ing betrayed me and be upset and only have to deal with it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Aw kiddo I'm so sorry that you're feeling this right now. think about your exam okay it's important.

come here and scream to us instead of screaming at him. because you're right you need to understand the extent of the relationship. but predictably because he is now aware that you are concerned about his relationship it is going to be more compelling for him than it was before. So this is a particularly tenuous time where what might happen might in part have been prompted by the escalation in your feelings. it probably would have happened anyway just not as soon.

and the thing about surveillance is that if he knows you are hyper upset he will probably not take her back to your house. they would go and hang out at her dorm room when her roommate isn't there. 

you have any friends at her dorm?

now let's talk about your support system. it's never a good idea to wrap your entire existence up in a single person or a single relationship. you obviously know that but your life was so full with school and work and him that you didn't need anyone else. but that also makes you a dull girl. people need input from others and experiences with others and to be able to share and talk and laugh and that enriches you as a person. I guess what I'm saying is it wouldn't hurt to try to make some friends.

how's your relationship with your parents and your siblings if you have any? how far away are they?

I want to caution you about this STD thing. the more often you are exposed the larger your risks. as you know many STDs are not active all of the time. can you fake a UTI or something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Aw kiddo I'm so sorry that you're feeling this right now. think about your exam okay it's important.
> 
> come here and scream to us instead of screaming at him. because you're right you need to understand the extent of the relationship. but predictably because he is now aware that you are concerned about his relationship it is going to be more compelling for him than it was before. So this is a particularly tenuous time where what might happen might in part have been prompted by the escalation in your feelings. it probably would have happened anyway just not as soon.
> 
> ...


i'm worried not doing it will alert him to my true feelings because we do do it fairly regularly, as in pretty much whenever we can. which still isn`t that often with our schedules. no friends in her dorm. i know its not good to wrap my existence around another person, and honestly it wouldn`t be this way if 80 hours of my week wasn't already consumed with work and school. i don't entirely ignore people i can meet people and get along with them and be acquaintances, but i don`t exactly have the time currently to build blossoming friendships either. he might have friends but he has a c average to do it whereas my gpa is above 3.8 despite being married and working full time. i still keep in contact with some of the people i met in classes like the girl who is going to accept my packages for me. we talk on facebook some. i just don`t have the time to hang out... gotta log and go home will continue when i arrive.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

husband is making a work life balance Troy. So are you. it seems to me this could be another part of your disconnect with your husband. your values are somewhat different. This leave him alone durable to another relationship because he needs more social interaction and emotional input. 

A 3.8 is awesome. but darling you gotta live too. it's easy to say I'll do it later and that you have to work hard now in order to relax later but people also can to work hard later. and since there's always more work to do certain folks are more likely to become workaholics and have an underdeveloped social life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

sorry that should be choice and not Troy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Never a good sign when your H is desperate to protect a relationship with someone you know there is an attraction to. 

Without accusing him of cheating, could you just let him know you feel threatened by his relationship with her. That you have thought long and hard about it, and would like him to stop haning out with her. 

He can either choose to honor and comfort you, showing you that you are important to him by doing this for you. Or he can ignore your feelings and do what he wants anyway. You can't control that. 

But it puts the choice on him. If he honors you, you can take some comofort that although difficult, you are in this together. If he ignores your request, you know to start preparing for the inevitable. Increase your social circles and plan your exit route from the relationship. Maybe you don't pull the trigger until you graduate, that's up to you. But you know not to have a baby with him or become to dependant on him financially.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> husband is making a work life balance Troy. So are you. it seems to me this could be another part of your disconnect with your husband. your values are somewhat different. This leave him alone durable to another relationship because he needs more social interaction and emotional input.
> 
> A 3.8 is awesome. but darling you gotta live too. it's easy to say I'll do it later and that you have to work hard now in order to relax later but people also can to work hard later. and since there's always more work to do certain folks are more likely to become workaholics and have an underdeveloped social life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


going into it more we have a lot of the same interests which makes it easy to spend time together, but also had the unfortunate side effect of us having a shared social circle, mainly of guys. Mainly of guys that honor our marriage and want to see it succeed so i know they would tell my husband how i am feeling if i discussed any of this in detail with them. we don`t spend enough time together alone, he has replaced our alone time with more friend activities, which i don`t enjoy and therefore don`t participate in. i`m going to start being more social and forming my own social circles because i`m sick of having friends i can`t talk to, even if they mean well. 

i cut back my hours this semester to have more time with my husband and be more social. i am making an effort. this is the lowest amount of hours i can take and get the loans that allow me to go, and i have to work to pay our bills. theres nothing i can do about either of those things. i need my gpa to get hired when i graduate. i realize after my first job it means ****, but until then i need it to get a good starting wage and good position in my field. even if i didn`t do as much homework it wouldn`t change our relationship. he works second shift i work third shift i have morning class 2 days a week and then night classes while he is at work for the rest. he has morning classes. so i`m here. he isn`t. and if u think i should switch to a different shift well he told me i should get a night shift in the first place. which whatever probably not the best sign. he was going to get one too, only he never did and now my classes to graduate are mainly offered for second shift so i can`t change my schedule. i doubt he will either because he is probably having sex with that girl and doesn`t want me around more. and i realize school isn`t everything. do you think i give a **** about any of my classes right now? i would fail and repeat this whole semester if it would save my marriage. it won`t. 

whatever he is doing he is doing and theres nothing i can do about it besides find out and deal with it. and scream online. because i can`t scream offline. i can`t just leave either we have no money. our parents don`t help us at all and we make basically nothing. while i pay our crap that is basically all our money can do. so i`m going to have to stay until after we get our loan money for next semester so i have money to live on and go to school with and move out if it proves necessary. thats still THREE months of dealing with this if something is going on. unless my parents decide to actually give a **** about me and help me out. I don`t know maybe some of these joint friends would take my side and help me out but who can count on something like that? i keep going from extremely angry to extremely hurt and i'm sorry for the drastic changes but i`m VERY UPSET and am NOT coping well. I probably won`t get my surveillance stuff until the end of NEXT WEEK which isn't helping me be calm. it will give him a chance to believe this has blown over and go back to whatever he is doing if thats what he wants to do. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH vrnoern voieio nro neono neo!!!!!!!


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Acoa said:


> Never a good sign when your H is desperate to protect a relationship with someone you know there is an attraction to.
> 
> Without accusing him of cheating, could you just let him know you feel threatened by his relationship with her. That you have thought long and hard about it, and would like him to stop haning out with her.
> 
> ...


oh this will be happening if that is the only thing that is going on, but i'm gonna be damn sure it is before i offer that as a solution. i want to already be comfortable with my surveillance before i make him aware of the severity of my feelings towards their relationship besides pointing out that him sharing such things with her and not me is not cool.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> sorry that should be choice and not Troy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i was wondering who troy was...


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

i don`t think i can do it i want to tell him to stay the **** away from her. i can't focus on anything else. i am going nuts. how am i supposed to just wait and let this continue?


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

I agree with clipclop regarding not having sex with him until you can confirm if he's doing something because of the STD risk. You could get something that you will have to live with forever. That would limit the dating pool (if he's cheating and you divorce) because some guys wont be interested because of it. Vars will clue you in pretty fast, so you may not have to wait for long. 

I'd fake a UTI for a week or so. Then if it takes longer than that to find out with the aide of the VARs, say you developed a yeast infection because of the UTI antibiotics. That's not unusal, so I don't think he would suspect anything and would buy you another week or so. I'm pretty sure he'd not like a yeast infection, especially if he's having sex with someone else...

So, I don't have any experince with this, but I wonder if they make vars disguised/hidden in pens? You could sneak that into his bag or try to hide it in the bottom?


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*Re: Re: Non physical cheating?*



Want2StayMarried said:


> i don`t think i can do it i want to tell him to stay the **** away from her. i can't focus on anything else. i am going nuts. how am i supposed to just wait and let this continue?


You really should wait! If you tell him now, he could take it further underground (if he hasn't already) making it harder and taking longer to find out what really is going on.

Crazy for a month or feel crazy for possibly years?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

CardReader said:


> You really should wait! If you tell him now, he could take it further underground (if he hasn't already) making it harder and taking longer to find out what really is going on.
> 
> Crazy for a month or feel crazy for possibly years?


i don`t know if i can do either without telling him to stay away from her. i can`t stand the thought of them becoming even closer while i wait to find out. in my current mood i want to tell him to stay away from her and surveillance to see whether or not he does. not whether or not anything happens just whether they are together at all. that seems like it would be a lot easier to do t


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*Re: Re: Non physical cheating?*



Want2StayMarried said:


> i don`t know if i can do either without telling him to stay away from her. i can`t stand the thought of them becoming even closer while i wait to find out. in my current mood i want to tell him to stay away from her and surveillance to see whether or not he does. not whether or not anything happens just whether they are together at all. that seems like it would be a lot easier to do t


Then tell him you're not comfortable with his "friendship" with her. I feel something very inappropriate is happening. If she was just a friend he would have no problem dropping her. He's putting her above you!

Do a no contact letter and send it off. I'd also talk consequences. If he contacts her or she contacts him and talk, there needs to be a consequence. Show that you're not afraid to lose your marriage. If you're going to stick around anyways, why would he stop? 

Then surveillance, and see if he stops.


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## brklynn (Oct 15, 2014)

I think you should say something to him about how uncomfortable it makes you feel that he is sharing so much of himself with another woman, after all, he made a commitment to you. Unfortunately, during this past year, I have been made aware of the term "emotional affair". As my husband had one, he was never physically involved with the other woman, but the affair was definitely intimate. I did get my hands on texts, e-mails, and instant messages, and although they never really touched one another, the conversations they shared, hurt just the same. 

Another reason, I think you should say something to him is for the reason that if you do find his text messages and e-mails to this other girl, what are you going to do with them? Are you prepared to know what they could be talking about behind your back? I thought I was, but I wish I didn't know half of what I know now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Want2StayMarried said:


> maybe i missed it but i did not see video options?


Much harder to hide cameras and more expensive. A couple of good, long running, recorders will set you back about $120, are highly mobile and cover a large area.

You'd need hidden cameras.
Hidden cameras are expensive, have shorter recording life spans due to battery life, aren't mobile, must be tied to a computer to get the fulleffecct and are hard to hide in cars.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Want2StayMarried said:


> One night the three of us were at our apartment and she was helping me edit my paper for English when in passing she made a comment about my husband being bisexual, something I had never heard before ever. I waited til she left and asked him if he was and he said yes and so I asked him why she knows and I didn't, to which he replied that Abby is easier to talk to then me and that he tells her everything.


 Him telling this other woman that he is bisexual and not telling you is bad for 2 reasons:

1) Telling you that the "he tells her everything" while holing things back from you, is an emotional betrayal of your marriage.

2) He may have had relations with other men while being in an exclusive relationship with you. That would explain why he did not tell you that he was bisexual. You need to ask him if he has acted on his bisexual desires with other men at any time while he has been in an exclusive relationship with you. You need to ask this questions and then shut up. The first one to speak loses. There may be a long silence after you ask this question. As the silence goes on, human nature will put pressure on both of you to break that silence, either him by answering the question, or by you bailing him out by saying something.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Want2StayMarried

Look, sometimes you have to just say fvck it and call him out on it.. 

I get the whole fact finding mission. But sometimes you have to go with your gut.. 

You know this man and from what I read it doesn't seem like he ever did anything in the past to make you feel this way and insecure.. 

There is nothing wrong with just saying it and being firm on what you want.. Look I wouldn't be happy but I would do what was needed to make my WIFE happy even if nothing was wrong and I thought it was foolish.. Friends come and go.. 

Sometimes a simple WTF are you doing ? and then him saying what do you mean ? Followed by another you know what I mean !.. WTF are you doing with SoandSo... You know EXACTLY what I am talking about.. Followed by get out of the house.. Sometimes just the shock and "OH, **** She KNOWS" is enough to make them just confess.. 

Has his coming home from school lengthened ? 

You can use that as well. 

I realized that my Ex wife suddenly was working her full hours, where she used to be sometimes work until 7 PM but mostly 6 PM became a definite 7 PM plus a bit later and some shopping afterwards.. 

Again this isn't dating.. This is a marriage.. You are ALLOWED to express how you feel.. You should ALWAYS and FOREVER come FIRST to him.. ZERO exceptions.. 

Consider this him kicking the baby bird ( this girl ) out of the nest.. Let her move on.. 

Further you said she was 19.. You were 28.. I am assuming he is 28 as well. So WTF does a 19 year old or even 20 at this time have in common with a 28 year old ? She can't even get into a bar legally ? 

Personally I think age isn't that much of a big deal later on in life. Meaning 40 VS 49.. You both have lived some life and learned a few things along the way hopefully. 

But at 28 and 19.. I don't know.. You guys are just learning some stuff and she don't know sh!t about life yet.. She might know some stuff but trust me even being a cop at 24 I thought I knew sh!t and seen sh!t, but I really didn't know what I know today.. Heck, I can say I was immature before getting divorced and I have 2 sons.. Getting divorced at 46 grew me the fvck up.. 

So don't sweat this sh!t.. She will find new friends her age to deal with her.. And your husband will find some adults to hang out with.. 

Try until you think you can't.. Then don't fvck yourself up over this sh!t.. Call him out on it and be done with it.. 

Or get her alone and ambush her.. Call her out on it.. She will crumble.. Though if you fail you will be called the crazy b!tch.. But again who the fvck cares.. Your not happy and that is all that really matters.. 

END OF STORY...


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Want2StayMarried said:


> no worries clipclop2... well worry that my husband is cheating on me, but not that i am dumb enough to not see what is going on. I know what is going on with these tactics. he has clearly forgotten that i watched my mom do the same thing to my dad for about a decade before he kicked her out. He tried to make it work he told her it was inappropriate, he had the whole family tell her it was inappropriate. it never stopped. i'm not going to waste my time on a man that would do that to me. if its more than emotional its done and i'll find out soon enough. i've ordered my vars and other stuff i made a new email and ordered with ties to it and am having someone he knows by face but not socially (because its my friend) accept the shipment at her place so he won`t know it exists. she doesn`t even know it exists i asked if i could have something shipped there and she just agreed without asking so unless she opens it i`m the only one who knows i got it. she also doesn`t know the situation or the ow. so pretty good start yeah? the other part is even if he finds them, i`m in college so i have legitimate reasons to have them. i can use excuse multiples with oh so thats where that went. but i doubt he`ll look or realize i`m even suspicious because i`m not going to show up around them i`m not asking him anything else about it and i'm going to keep sleeping with him to make sure suspicions don't arise on his part because why not? if he is cheating on me he is already sleeping with both of us anyways, the only difference is now i'm aware that that potential exists.
> 
> i`ve looked through his computer theres not much there, i didn't think there would be, what was there was concerning in regards to the way they have wrote each other but its brief and there isn`t much of it because they can see each other privately basically everyday at school. i'm hoping i can come up with a solution to school monitoring because i need one. especially if i don't get much or anything at home from that monitoring.
> 
> do i also have to keep pretending to be friends with this woman? i barely see her but still we're suppose to be friends. if i'm trying to do surveillance i have to pretend everything is fine and i`ve it given up? i mean i don`t want him to talk to her ever again let alone myself but until i know what is occurring and whether i want to stay with my spouse that seems like it would only be detrimental to discovery. any tips for how to do that? can i go back afterwards once i assess the situation and tell him to stay away from her assuming it works out...


Good girl. You seem to have it covered. I know its difficult but only through going deep undercover like what you are doing will you get the truth.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Want2StayMarried said:


> I'm torn. I want her out of the picture NOW, so badly, but if i do that it will be 1000% harder to catch them won't it? if it continues? or is that not an issue with surveillance? also how would i know the extent of their relationship if i tell him to cut it? uggghhh i don`t want to pretend to be her friend i don`t want to pretend i`m fine. i want to scream and throw things and tell him he ****ing betrayed me and be upset and only have to deal with it.


Self control and discretion are really valuable skills and this is a good time to learn them.

When my husband had his "special friend" he insisted that "they were just friends" and that he treated me better than he treated her. That is not what the messages between them or what the credit card statements suggested. 

To be able to have facts at hand really chastened my (future) husband. HE agreed to excise the relationship immediately.

But to give you an idea as to how much the average human being will dig in..... One of the pivotal moments for me was how he was sloppy about my arrival from being away for 3 weeks. I at first said vaguely "you must have had another date that day." And he stuck with his "you didn't try hard enough to (God knows what) to get him to commit to seeing me that day. 

I later found tickets to two exhibitions at the museum that day. So I said, I know that you and she went to 2 exhibs at that museum on that day and this why you waited until 5pm to contact me." You would think that when someone is so specific that you would sit up and listen and realise that they have a source that you are not aware. He continued to dig in his heels and say that I was making up stuff. No, I see the tickets lying around your apartment and she has on her FB what she was doing that day. 

The other reason why it is good for you to gather information is because your husband will most likely go on a campaign that can be summarised as " special friend - good, good, good...... but you my wife - bad, bad, bad."

My (future) husband called me creepy because I had done google searches with his "special friend's" e-mail address. With the messages between them that I found, I was able to show him that she was even creepier having done her own info gathering on me by simply asking him invasive questions about me including about our sex life. Whatever he knew about me was not posted on a social media site (as was the info that I had found on her) Now how creepy is that?

Stay strong, stay in control. think of this as a game that you are coolly pursuing and that there is a reward at the end of this.

Believe me, you will feel better when he starts the accusations of psycho, creepy and whatever. And you are able to fire back in rapid fashion examples of her engaging in exactly that behavior.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Want2StayMarried
> 
> Look, sometimes you have to just say fvck it and call him out on it..
> 
> ...


First I wanted to apologize for disappearing for a bit, Wednesays and Thursdays are crazy enough for me without dealing with this stuff. I have been processing this whole thing slowly, mainly reacting until Wednesday afternoon, but starting to process better now. I managed to get my exam date moved so I haven't failed it yet. I called my professor and told him what's going on (and started crying which i'm sure wasn't awkward for him at all poor guy). I talked to my mom tonight before work and filled her in on the basics of what's going on. While my parents aren`t very financially supportive my mom at least is informed in what and how i am doing most of the time. She started hinting maybe he should work when i work, but i told her about the recorders. it was basically an "oh damn" moment because i don't think she expected it from me, but of course it isn't exactly from me it's from you guys protecting me. lol I mainly just am quoting the above because it resonates with me. 

As to when he comes home and such, I have no idea because i'm at work, which was a huge factor in yup getting VARs ASAP. I think i'm going to start out more slowly with them then i intended until I get good at it. I don't want to get caught doing it because then its pointless and i am paranoid like that. Once i get good with it i'll branch out into the school scenario. I do have one very important question regarding VARS... If a handheld radio is around it will that make it work weird or do feedback into either the radio or the VAR? because he could easily get fired if so and I can't support us both, and would be much worse off. 

I did approach him about their friendship and was like look u guys are clearly emotionally involved, there is a lot of sexual conversation going on and I'm just not comfortable with you being around her alone. even if you aren`t alone with her i still don`t want u guys talking about that stuff. you're my husband, we're married it needs to stop. ... his response was ok and a hug and kiss. ... after the huge crazy defensive argument about the kinds of stuff they were talking about and how it wouldn't lead to good places with his whole no nothing would ever happen bs he said ok. To me that doesn't exactly add up. So either he was more upset by the implication that he could cheat on me the discussion before, or he KNOWS i have no way of finding anything out because of my schedule (which isn't true because of VARs but he doesn't need to think that's a possibility). Regardless I am acting absolutely thrilled that all of our problems are now solved because he is staying away from her... until I find out whether or not he is staying away from her. 

As to what they have in common idk they like some of the same shows and whatever and she hangs out with the guys he hangs out with so i can only assume there were days where she was upset and he tried to cheer her up or asked whats wrong and heard her life story. He has always been protective of her so she probably feels safe around him. i don`t know what they are like when i`m not around. As to telling him this is what will happen if i find you together or any of that, i don`t think its necessary, he was told not to do it he agreed, he definitely should know me well enough to know there are consequences, if he doesn't then i guess he doesn't know me very well or he is dumb. I am very open about how i view and feel about things, and I'll probably kick him out since he has all these friends, he can stay with one of them.

i'm not dwelling on this stuff right now i'm in planning mode i intend to spend a bit looking over our finances more closely and figuring out how i can save up some extra money for in case sh*t besides our basic emergency fund. 

honestly it might be good that i am so busy, he knows when i'm not around, it doesn't change, so he knows when he can get away with stuff. i might not have to wait too long to find stuff out. Again, if anyone knows about handheld radios and how/if they interact badly with VARs please let me know because i don't want him to get fired due to feedback or something, if he's cheating its one thing to find out but if he isn't that is really not going to help the relationship. hey honey, i'm bugging you, sorry you got fired for misusing the radios because i bugged you, by the way we can't pay rent now... wouldn't go over well and its extremely hard to find full time work that is nice about college schedules.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Can you not have a night off work (without letting him know) and stake out your house to see what he gets up too. And if she goes over, wait a bit then quietly enter the house to 'catch them in the act'.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> The other reason why it is good for you to gather information is because your husband will most likely go on a campaign that can be summarised as " special friend - good, good, good...... but you my wife - bad, bad, bad."


That seems to sum up cheating pretty well. People turn their spouses into these horrible evil people in their own eyes that aren't giving them what they need so it's ok to cheat. It justifies their actions because if their SO wasn't like that they wouldn't have to... which is complete BS, learn to communicate or better yet if you (not you but a general you) are so selfish to begin with then don't stay with the person leave, leave and tell them you are too immature and selfish to express your needs or go without having them met and working out the issues. Maybe too black and white, but really people need to communicate their issues with each other or leave if they aren't interested in making it work.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Meli33 said:


> Can you not have a night off work (without letting him know) and stake out your house to see what he gets up too. And if she goes over, wait a bit then quietly enter the house to 'catch them in the act'.


I can take a night off if i don't want to pay my bills or be able to afford an exit strategy. With where my apartment is I would either get the cops called on me for creeping outside or they would see me themselves. Better to use VARs... and i've seen Chicago... rather hear it then witness it.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Lady:

Did he TELL her that he was bisexual, or did he SHOW her and some boyfriend of hers that he was bisexual?

Were they words, or was it action?

How can one tell? I am a cynic, and her body language (from what you describe) and *irrational confidence around you* seem to indicate more than mere words.




*He seems to be living out some kind of woody allen film script. For a man, this is ego massage of the most erotic kind.

To her, he is Thor. To him, she is Lolita. To them, you perhaps are the dogmatic real world that opposes their destined-to-be-together-ness.*

Likely.

Just saying.

Seen too many such scenarios. Hardly any exception to the Cassandra rule.




Counter-scenario:

Suppose I am 19, and a male, and come and stay in your house because I am a new immigrant in dire straits, and you took pity on me.

You act creepily close to me, and then I tell your husband about how your index finger gets that peculiar pain when you have your periods (anything intimate / personal he doesn’t know about), etc., and let’s see whether he takes it as equanimously as he wants you to take his bi-sexuality confession to her.

He likely would wipe the floor with me. UNLESS he is waiting for an out, to explore things with Lolita.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Lady:
> 
> Did he TELL her that he was bisexual, or did he SHOW her and some boyfriend of hers that he was bisexual?
> 
> ...


Well, we'll find out won't we? I definitely have NOT decided i don't need to investigate or anything, so please don't worry about that. My rationalizations come from the basic human nature to understand and want to make sense of things without answers, nothing more. It's just me working through scenarios in my head. Yes he could simply be over sharing and too emotionally connected to this girl, or he could be ****ing her brains out for 7 hours 5 days a week. i don't know, but i will. I have to have some logical scenarios where my marriage doesn't fall apart in the mean time to stay sane and deal with my crazy busy life, until i know one way or the other. I am choosing the glass half full because i have to pretend everything is fine to do surveillance and decrease the chances of sneaking on their part. It's the only way i can be normal around him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How much does your husband contribute to paying the rent?


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> How much does your husband contribute to paying the rent?


he is incapable of handling money and gave me control of our finances willingly and appreciatively so we would not be on the street (yes he is that bad). oopps didn't answer. So as much as i decide for him to contribute.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Ugh ok.So thinking about it some more (obviously) aaaaannnddd since most of you already are sure he is cheating on me. I am now wondering under what circumstances one would consider staying in such a relationship where there has been infidelity? Obviously it would have to end, or the marriage would have to become open (which maybe that is what he is wanting if he is bi?) ... I love him and despite our age now or when we got married always intended to stay with him. I am just trying to figure things out. I was stupid enough to allow her in my home and too distracted by other aspects of my life to see what was going on enough to be shocked at discovering how close they became. I don't think they hid it, I just think because of our schedules and everything I missed it. I just don't know if he actually slept with her, but if he did, i've already asked him and he said no (this was before coming on the forum basically right after she left and then again right before the whole bi thing), then he has also lied about it. So i don't see how that would work? He has been a great husband up til now so i guess i`m just curious if there are ways to come back from it if it happened and what it would involve. I've still got quite a bit of school til i'm finished which means i won't have a ton of time to spend fixing the relationship, this sounds uncaring but i'm being realistic. It is hard to maintain a marriage and go to school in general and I am probably going to see at least one of my grades drop severely (if i don't outright fail) while i deal with this situation. Honesty is extremely important to me, i`d rather be told something i don't want to know than be lied to, so i don't know how we would overcome such a horrible lie. I also feel stupid that i put my marriage in such a vulnerable position and took the bad advice from a friend to let her stay. It's just still not sitting with me well that they got so close then there was no sadness or anything just an ok in response and continue on like nothing happened....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Ok, that right there is a problem. Any time a wife takes over things because their husbands is childishly irresponsible he is put lower than her. He will naturally be vulnerable to becoming someone else's KISA - knight in shining armor. Younger, needy, emotional girl enters. He now gets the ego boat you cannot provide because you know and allow and accept that he is incapable of stepping up and being a man. And for you heaven forbid you should have children! You will begin to resent his immaturity and sex will decline.

Never remove responsibility or requirements from a man.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Ok, that right there is a problem. Any time a wife takes over things because their husbands is childishly irresponsible he is put lower than her. He will naturally be vulnerable to becoming someone else's KISA - knight in shining armor. Younger, needy, emotional girl enters. He now gets the ego boat you cannot provide because you know and allow and accept that he is incapable of stepping up and being a man. And for you heaven forbid you should have children! You will begin to resent his immaturity and sex will decline.
> 
> Never remove responsibility or requirements from a man.


he asked me to take over the finances... i didn't make him. he dug us into a hole and asked me for help and i fixed it. thats not my fault. i don't lord it over him. i just do it. and yeah, he most likely is her KISA... but he did that sh*t all on his own.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That's not what I'm saying not the point. Dont get defensive. Understand the psychology.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

To go back to if you stay in it after you know for sure he cheated. 

Maybe. Don't give him your evidence. But confront him. Let him know you feel there was more going on between them than he is admitting and now is the time to come clean. 

If he does so in the absence of evidence, maybe there is hope. If he denies an demands to know what you know, then forget it. He is just going to lie to fit the facts you know.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Want2StayMarried

I can tell you the following regarding the what if he is cheating question. 

I caught my Ex wife *(So you know how this story ends already)* *Looking to cheat* 3x.. I then finally caught her *AFTER the FACT* once and of course the last time. 

I will tell you this, I forgave her for the affair for the most part, but not for what she did when she decided to leave. While I was at my own ground zero during this affair I can tell you I *DIDN'T* want a divorce and I *DIDN'T* want her to leave. 

Hindsight being 20/20 for me it was the best thing my Ex wife ever forced me to do was get a divorce.

What I can tell you is those 3x I caught her looking to cheat combined never,ever came close to the emotional pain I felt when I caught her cheating.. The affair and things that occurred before she left brought me to the brink of suicide. 

Today looking back in many ways, regardless of how emotionally messed up I am because of it. I can tell you I am happy I went through what I did. 

Here is the sad reality. If he cheated or is cheating and you find out.. I personally feel that no amount of therapy will ever get you ready for your next relationship and teach you how to deal with those triggers and issues *UNTIL* it actually happens. 

Without going into details I put my G.F. through 2 instances that should have put me on the curb, but fortunately she is loving enough to see the better person inside me and is now 1 year into our relationship starting to understand how broken my EX wife made me. 

I'm ashamed of the things I put my G.F. through.. I'm ashamed of myself the way I acted.. I was NEVER the man I was today. 

What I can say is when they are looking to cheat, you still have some control. You still can slap them on the wrist and still accuse them of cheating, knowing well enough they actually didn't physically cheat.. Yes an EA is bad, but again trust me PA is worse.. Big difference between telling someone you want to fvck them and actually fvcking them.. 

Heck I can say that here to you and it means sh!t.. You could even show your husband and it would mean far, far less than if I we actually did.. *Hope my point is made here.*

BUT

Once they cheat, that is it.. The Genie is out of the bottle.. There is no way of putting that back in.. Everything you were worried about them doing, they did.. Your only words now are please don't cheat on me again. Please don't hurt me again like you did the last time.. But the sad reality is, its already too late.. My therapist says that people who have attempted suicide are more likely to commit and succeed at suicide the 2nd time around. 

Why ? Its simple, because it just is easier the 2nd time around. They did it already once.. The hard part was already done. 

I relate cheating to that notion as well. 

What I didn't relate was my deceased brother, before passing away seems to have seen my Ex wife with someone. He told my mom and was going to tell me, but my mom made him swear not to tell as we already were going through issues with me catching her attempting to cheat. 

So my Ex wife has several dry runs and then once she cheated, the rest became easier for her. I just didn't catch her because I didn't suspect anything. Everything was right as rain this time around. The ONLY reason I caught her was because of a trigger. Everytime she looked to cheat she used her cell phone to communicate and all these instances ALWAYS fell around our wedding anniversary in September.. So guess what I did in September of 2012. I decided to look at our cell phone bill via my Iphone at a crime scene we were investigating. It was a trigger from past incidents. 

It took me a year into therapy to figure that out.. 12 months later I broke down crying like a baby in the therapist office when it just hit me like a TON OF BRICKS.. It was like reliving the moment. 

Personally I think this will crush your school work. I became so dysfunctional at work due to my depression, by bosses didn't even know how to handle it.. They thought I should just man up and move on.. But I couldn't.. From the superstar of the office in the bosses eyes, I became the loser.. Nothing worse then having issues at home and then having issues at work. I had no place to escape to forget.. 

Again I don't know the kind of person you are.. How strong you are. As much as I did and do in the Police Department, I had a super hard time dealing with my Ex wife affair and everything else subsequently there after. 

I can tell you I am a completely changed man today, even my friends see it and have commented on it.. I much more somber now, where I used to be more goofy in the past.. 

I can only suggest you prepare for the absolute worst in your head and hope for the best..


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Doesn't it suggest better to dump them at perhaps the second "almost" and not give another chance to them? Or maybe one almost is enough.

This situation is different though. We don't know he has planned to cheat or actually cheated. All she can do is get the lay of the land and decide once she has data what her next step is.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

its all helpful information. sorry to bring up bad memories... I know its rough, when my parents finally separated after years of my mom running around my dad changed. he never has recovered from the affair fully, or if he has now he is completely different. i was still at home so i stayed with him and it was very hard to watch the pain so i can`t imagine going through it, and i hope i don't have to, and i'm sorry some of you have. my mom has apparently decided she now has to check in on me everyday and has started calling. i tried to explain theres no way i`ll have a clue whats going on til at least the end of the month probably and i find it sort of awkward that my support system is partially coming from someone who basically did what i am dreading... its very strange to me. i think i am hanging in there well for now tho. just waiting and seeing. went out to lunch with hubby and had friends over tonight, so fairly normal friday activities. well except that i haven't slept in ....31 hours now. but i don't feel tired at all. is that normal?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Careful your mom doesn't tip him off that you are concerned and monitoring.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Careful your mom doesn't tip him off that you are concerned and monitoring.


she won't say anything. i explained its the only way i will possibly find out because of my schedule and everything. On another note.... how am i supposed to get out of bed in the morning... or want to do anything at all? i think i might be depressed because besides the possible PA i don`t care about anything right now. how do i make myself care? i know its not good but it seems to only be getting worse. i slept for 15 hours today. i would wake up then just feel worse the longer i was awake and go back to bed rather than deal with feeling like screaming at my husband until he told me everything. I'm not doing very well at the hiding my feelings thing either. he knows me well enough to know something is up. i don`t even want to be around him right now. i could have just stayed in bed. i could go back to bed right now if i hadn`t forced myself to go to work. even if he isn`t having a PA he still won`t think he did anything wrong with the EA. how long do u think i should monitor before i can stop if nothing is going on? like how long til you give up on doing it?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Want2StayMarried said:


> she won't say anything. i explained its the only way i will possibly find out because of my schedule and everything. On another note.... how am i supposed to get out of bed in the morning... or want to do anything at all? i think i might be depressed because besides the possible PA i don`t care about anything right now. how do i make myself care? i know its not good but it seems to only be getting worse. i slept for 15 hours today. i would wake up then just feel worse the longer i was awake and go back to bed rather than deal with feeling like screaming at my husband until he told me everything. I'm not doing very well at the hiding my feelings thing either. he knows me well enough to know something is up. i don`t even want to be around him right now. i could have just stayed in bed. i could go back to bed right now if i hadn`t forced myself to go to work. even if he isn`t having a PA he still won`t think he did anything wrong with the EA. how long do u think i should monitor before i can stop if nothing is going on? like how long til you give up on doing it?


The best way to take care of yourself in the short term is to focus on the mechanics of your routine. Eat when you normally eat (even though you are not hungry), sleep when you normally sleep. 

How long you monitor is based on how long you think you can hold out. If you think that is only days, then do the best you can. If you think you'll want to monitor for weeks, you may want to see your doc about getting on some anti-depressants. While dealing with the root of the problem is the best cure for depression, getting on some meds to keep you stable as you go through isn't a bad thing. 

You can always come up with a cover story about what's bugging you. Make it about school, or work or something with your family. Draw the focus away from him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am more concerned he will notice your mom is in contact more often.

If he knows something is up but doesn't ask about it it means he is afraid to poke the hornet's nest.

have you checked his texts and email? 

there's nothing wrong with you telling him that you would prefer that he break off the relationship with her. And then see what happens.. And verify it against the cell bill to see if he's been texting with her


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> The best way to take care of yourself in the short term is to focus on the mechanics of your routine. Eat when you normally eat (even though you are not hungry), sleep when you normally sleep


And don't be afraid to take sleeping pills when you need to. I highly recommend CVS's house brand that is similar to Excedrin PM.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I am more concerned he will notice your mom is in contact more often.
> 
> If he knows something is up but doesn't ask about it it means he is afraid to poke the hornet's nest.
> 
> ...


My contact with my mom has always been sort of random, depends on getting grades back, and if stuffs going on up there and that sort of thing. I usually wait til he is at work to talk to her (yeah, that's right two can play the sneaking about game). Texts are easy to delete, I need to do something about his phone and internet still, to see if he is deleting stuff. There are some fairly incriminating facebook messages... and then of course, since I told him I do not want there to be private conversation between the two of them last week (I think), I am F*CKING PISSED because he wrote her on messenger Tuesday (WTF?) and she was writing him while I was in my call and called twice. I had the phone (we actually share it, since we don`t have very much money, along with our car which is going to be a problem if he is cheating since I work out of town).

I started monitoring tonight. I tested the device while I was on the phone so I could see how well it works and it's great. I don't know how to do the voice activated part though, mine didn't come with instructions somehow. I did however do the little bit with the ear phones so that he wouldn`t get any noise from it. How long? I'm going with three weeks to start, we'll see if I find out any shady sh*t and need to monitor differently, ie also the bedroom, because for now I am monitoring for whether or not she even comes over when I'm not there.

I'm already starting to deal with sorting my accounts and getting financial affairs in order, especially since we get paid tomorrow. 

Depression meds would be lovely, but most of them make me extremely tired and I am in exams and cannot afford to be more tired then I am. Sleeping aids may be an idea. I have been losing about 2 hours or more a night and having all kinds of dreams and nightmares when I do sleep. 

I am super displeased that he is still talking to her privately. The messages popped up on the phone, which i was supposed to have, and she called... so I could bring it up, but that would probably also make them be more sneaky if they are going to communicate, which they obviously are. 

So assuming I find out he isn't f*cking her (because then it won't matter), how much does therapy cost? Because at this point I can't see my marriage surviving without it. 

Made it through one exam alright, one left tomorrow and then another next week. Wanted to bring up the stupid messenger crap tonight but thought it would be better to not get more angry by whatever stupidness that comes out of his mouth in defense of it and focus on my exam and studying.... which isn't going great. Throughout all of this i just feel more and more disrespected and unappreciated, not to mention hurt that it still seems to be going on.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF WHY is he STILL talking to her??? TWO days in a row! I guess I shouldn't give a sh*t about our marriage either? Maybe I should just go around making sexual comments to guys. I'm sure nothing will happen. F*CK OFF! REALLY???? I didn't even ban seeing her in public, just private contact. /sigh I mean really, WTF am I doing with this guy if he doesn't respect me enough to stay the f*ck away from this girl??? No, I am seriously asking you because I don't know! I moved from another country to be with him, I do 90% of the housework, I work, I go to school, I cook when I can... and he spends all of his time with his friends leaves no time for just the two of us and is doing whatever the hell he is doing with that girl. Hell no. This is bullsh*t. Oh... hey guys... so I found more fb messages....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How much needs to happen for you to have had enough? What is your line in the aand?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You know what you need to do. You just fear it, which is understandable.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Want2StayMarried said:


> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF WHY is he STILL talking to her??? TWO days in a row! I guess I shouldn't give a sh*t about our marriage either? Maybe I should just go around making sexual comments to guys. I'm sure nothing will happen. F*CK OFF! REALLY???? I didn't even ban seeing her in public, just private contact. /sigh I mean really, WTF am I doing with this guy if he doesn't respect me enough to stay the f*ck away from this girl??? No, I am seriously asking you because I don't know! I moved from another country to be with him, I do 90% of the housework, I work, I go to school, I cook when I can... and he spends all of his time with his friends leaves no time for just the two of us and is doing whatever the hell he is doing with that girl. Hell no. This is bullsh*t. Oh... hey guys... so I found more fb messages....


 Ok, now it's time to refocus the aggression in the right direction, your husbands actions. Take the fight to the enemy and with being a woman you have the luxury of being a little more assertive without recourse then a man does.

Time for you to make arrangements for plan D, as in Divorce. He keeps pushing the envelope to see what he can, and will, get away with. He has been able to so far resist and adapt to your anger but what about consequences. The D papers will accelerate the outcome; He stops or moves on, in either case will hasten the healing process for you. I know it sucks as I too once fought the idea, and since I filed I have been able to sleep better at least knowing what the outcome is going to be.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

her contacting the phone when you were to have it suggests to me that she wants you to know that they are still in contact. 

while he would probably deny that because it wouldn't be in keeping with how he views her it shows that she wants to break up the marriage and have him for herself. 

so how increment at where these messages? do you really need more information? 

just based on your writing it doesn't seem like you would be able to get over his emotional cheating . I know that you said your land line in the sand was physical cheating but it seems to me that him shooting her over you and your marriage crossed the line for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Ok, now it's time to refocus the aggression in the right direction, your husbands actions. Take the fight to the enemy and with being a woman you have the luxury of being a little more assertive without recourse then a man does.
> 
> Time for you to make arrangements for plan D, as in Divorce. He keeps pushing the envelope to see what he can, and will, get away with. He has been able to so far resist and adapt to your anger but what about consequences. The D papers will accelerate the outcome; He stops or moves on, in either case will hasten the healing process for you. I know it sucks as I too once fought the idea, and since I filed I have been able to sleep better at least knowing what the outcome is going to be.


Yeah, I'm preparing for that scenario for sure, especially now. He still has some chance of avoiding that outcome, but that will depend on whether he is sleeping with her, which i will find out, and if not whether or not he will stay the f*ck away from her. Which is completely f*cked up because she is supposed to be into and dating his best friend. Who does that??? I'm not stupid, the bottom line is if nothing is there he wouldn't have an issue staying away from her, especially when it hurts me and is disrespectful to me. It's worse than someone spitting in your face. I'm probably going to be frustrated, angry, and depending what i find out very upset over the next few weeks. Even then I am stuck here for at least another 2 months. 

i will probably start a thread on the finances or divorce thread regarding what to do about split assets and that risk aka the car. I have good credit and i don`t want him to tank it by not paying, or what I can do about it since i am co signed on it and so forth. can people to sign over things that are not fully paid off? i suddenly feel the need to have the car in my name.... he can have the next new one... :ezpi_wink1: plus he wouldn`t be screwed without one. 

just arghhhh this sucks. gonna ask the school counselors about what options i have for marriage counselling for free/cheap in the area. in case we get to do months of therapy instead of getting divorced. hooray.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Want2StayMarried said:


> I moved from another country to be with him, I do 90% of the housework, I work, I go to school, I cook when I can... and he spends all of his time with his friends leaves no time for just the two of us


He doesn't work? Why is that?

And have you installed a keylogger on his computer? That's the best way to find the truth. It's cheap and easy to install; you can have all his keystrokes emailed to you in batches and he'll never know it.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> He doesn't work? Why is that?
> 
> And have you installed a keylogger on his computer? That's the best way to find the truth. It's cheap and easy to install; you can have all his keystrokes emailed to you in batches and he'll never know it.


he does, and he goes to school as well. every other second is spent with other people tho. not me and he hangs out with people at work. basically the all the chores and finances are left for me to deal with while he does what he wants. i looked at the evident post but either missed or didn`t see stuff about keyloggers saw vars and phone ones but not keyloggers. i probably missed it. i need to sleep... for 5 hours... gotta love working full time and going to school...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah, ok, then this is where your marriage derailed. You did what many women do - accept more and more responsibility while not wanting to seem 'mean' by expecting the same from him. So he began to take you for granted, you became his mother, not his lover. He wants someone else for that role. IIWY, I would at this point STOP doing anything for him, cook only for yourself, and spend that extra time you now have on YOU going out and letting him see you as a WOMAN who is attractive and desirable to OTHER men. I suspect he'll notice you right quick if you stop being his mother and he sees other guys in social settings paying attention to you.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Ah, ok, then this is where your marriage derailed. You did what many women do - accept more and more responsibility while not wanting to seem 'mean' by expecting the same from him. So he began to take you for granted, you became his mother, not his lover. He wants someone else for that role. IIWY, I would at this point STOP doing anything for him, cook only for yourself, and spend that extra time you now have on YOU going out and letting him see you as a WOMAN who is attractive and desirable to OTHER men. I suspect he'll notice you right quick if you stop being his mother and he sees other guys in social settings paying attention to you.


i tried that at one point, i have let our apartment get disgusting and everything else, he just refuses to be an equal partner. at the end of the day i`m not going to nag him to do what needs to be done. i`m not going to beg him to spend time with me if he`d rather do something else (although i'll be honest i tried that too for awhile). but he can hardly blame me for us drifting apart if he is the one who isn`t around. and i don`t do his chores for him. i let that sh*t pile up, it doesn`t make a difference. i've tried everything suggested to me and then some. if he chooses not to be in this with me that's his choice. but he can't then expect me to stick around when he wanders, i have no incentive to.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is still a little boy. Happens. Not your fault. His parents created this most likely.

Based on all you have said about him I would be extremely surprised if he hasn't cheated with her or someone else. Selfish people are like that.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> He is still a little boy. Happens. Not your fault. His parents created this most likely.
> 
> Based on all you have said about him I would be extremely surprised if he hasn't cheated with her or someone else. Selfish people are like that.


nothing that can't be hashed out in therapy if we make it there.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Non physical cheating?*



Want2StayMarried said:


> nothing that can't be hashed out in therapy if we make it there.


Maybe. But he has to want to imorove in order to begin that process. Until then, it is all academic.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe. But he has to want to imorove in order to begin that process. Until then, it is all academic.


very true.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

went on a surprise trip out of town this weekend, found nothing monitoring so far, going to keep monitoring.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Update: so after about 5 days of monitoring, 3 of which were consecutive and i could not listen in between due to exams, i finally sat down and listened today (after being up for 24 hours on 3 hours of sleep) because he yet again has made plans to do stuff without me. I was right to think that the vacation was a gesture to placate me. I caught him in a dozen lies within 2 of the recordings, one of which includes an omission of her being at my apartment with other people there and him only telling me about one of the people who was there and then allowing her and the guy to sleep over at our place. nothing happened with the sleep over but the fact remains he is completely lying to me and having this secret life while i'm at work and that she is in my apartment when i am not. He got a call in the morning from someone and she was talking and shut up once the phone rang because apparently she knows not to talk if its me. Which means the whole thing has gone underground but he thinks i am comfortable enough with how things are that he is confident enough to have her here still and lie about it. so i'm going to keep monitoring and doing school and start fulfilling my exit strategy because i will not stay married to someone who cannot be honest with me and can make time for everyone but me and i will try to make friends because there is no one down here for me to talk to about any of it. i know people, but not on that level, or if on that level they are also friends with him.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

if i don't respond quickly its because it is the weekend and i don't have the freedom to look without possibly being caught. oh and they were all drinking too.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Want2StayMarried said:


> Update: so after about 5 days of monitoring, 3 of which were consecutive and i could not listen in between due to exams, i finally sat down and listened today (after being up for 24 hours on 3 hours of sleep) because he yet again has made plans to do stuff without me. I was right to think that the vacation was a gesture to placate me. I caught him in a dozen lies within 2 of the recordings, one of which includes an omission of her being at my apartment with other people there and him only telling me about one of the people who was there and then allowing her and the guy to sleep over at our place. nothing happened with the sleep over but the fact remains he is completely lying to me and having this secret life while i'm at work and that she is in my apartment when i am not. He got a call in the morning from someone and she was talking and shut up once the phone rang because apparently she knows not to talk if its me. Which means the whole thing has gone underground but he thinks i am comfortable enough with how things are that he is confident enough to have her here still and lie about it. so i'm going to keep monitoring and doing school and start fulfilling my exit strategy because i will not stay married to someone who cannot be honest with me and can make time for everyone but me and i will try to make friends because there is no one down here for me to talk to about any of it. i know people, but not on that level, or if on that level they are also friends with him.


Time to kick this loser to the curb. I know you're not in a position to pull the trigger immediately but you can start aligning your ducks. Try not to give it away though, with his behavior you don't owe him a courtesy heads up.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sorry, but at least you have a better idea of things now. Now you can start making your moves which is a heck of a lot better than sitting in limbo. 

Get your pieces in place discreetly, figure out what you want to do.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he's acting like a kid. Like a teenager getting over on his parents. 

if you can establish a pattern to what they're doing you could always show up one day especially if you established beforehand that he's actually supposed to be doing something completely different. 

it seems like they might not be cheating. He might just have some seriously toxic friend which are not friends to the marriage. those kinds of friends have to go for the marriage to survive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't recall if I asked this before. did you ever happen to mention to her boyfriend the things that they said in front of you? he might not find it very amusing for his girlfriend and his best friend to be behaving this way either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I don't recall if I asked this before. did you ever happen to mention to her boyfriend the things that they said in front of you? he might not find it very amusing for his girlfriend and his best friend to be behaving this way either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i told him enough of it that he should have cared. he was actually defending their whole thing. so i stopped at that point. I feel pretty good for having drank a bunch of whiskey and only just now having woke up (16 hours later). i'm going to attempt to stick around until i won't be financially screwed by this. it would be nice to not have to go through the process of pulling myself up from having nothing again. what i will really need to figure out is the car situation. I will need a car. i've got to just post this i can't remember the other comments to respond appropriately so... to be continued...


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> he's acting like a kid. Like a teenager getting over on his parents.
> 
> if you can establish a pattern to what they're doing you could always show up one day especially if you established beforehand that he's actually supposed to be doing something completely different.
> 
> ...


well, that obviously isn't happening and they are having a jolly time sneaking around having whatever fun behind my back. I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I do almost all the work and am not even respected for it. He clearly doesn't respect me enough to stay away from her and it seems other people are in on the whole secrecy thing too.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I'm sorry, but at least you have a better idea of things now. Now you can start making your moves which is a heck of a lot better than sitting in limbo.
> 
> Get your pieces in place discreetly, figure out what you want to do.


so much better. i have ALWAYS been better at dealing with planning and action than sitting and waiting.


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Time to kick this loser to the curb. I know you're not in a position to pull the trigger immediately but you can start aligning your ducks. Try not to give it away though, with his behavior you don't owe him a courtesy heads up.


he isn't getting one. none of my friends that know him are. one day when my ducks are in a row, i'll just be moving my sh*t out, probably while he is at work, and I'll leave divorce papers and a long letter explaining why I left. Or better yet if you can have serve people with divorce papers I will get that to happen where he hangs out with all of his friends since they should see that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you lease a car where you are? You could do that for a short while, in case you need to leave sooner than planned.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

I've only read your initial post and not the pages of comments afterwards so I don't know what else has been said. But all I'd say is that your significant other cannot and should not be your best friend. There are some things that you can't talk about with your significant other, and everyone needs a friend. Something like sexual orientation is kind of a big thing though, and I can understand being concerned.

Maybe this is an opportunity to allow yourself to grow and be more open to talking to him. Try to be easier to talk to, if you find yourself being combative try to stop and just listen. Try showing him what he means to you and making him feel better about himself.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Want2

Get your ducks in a row. 

Have him served in front of his friends.

Already be gone from the apt.

And make the letter short. He does not deserve a long one from you.

Good Luck and focus on school and work right now.

Leave him behind you.

HM


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

BrightEyes86 said:


> I've only read your initial post and not the pages of comments afterwards so I don't know what else has been said. But all I'd say is that your significant other cannot and should not be your best friend. There are some things that you can't talk about with your significant other, and everyone needs a friend. Something like sexual orientation is kind of a big thing though, and I can understand being concerned.
> 
> Maybe this is an opportunity to allow yourself to grow and be more open to talking to him. Try to be easier to talk to, if you find yourself being combative try to stop and just listen. Try showing him what he means to you and making him feel better about himself.


Completely disagree. The foundation of a successful marriage is a strong and deep friendship, though it's important to have friends outside of the relationship. But that's not the issue here. The issue is the lying, deceit, and manipulation that Op's husband is using to do what he wants regardless of op's concerns. A husband should not tell a friend about his sexuality before he tells his own wife. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hey W2SM. Just checking up on you. How are things?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

If you are on the title for the car, then you own it.. Not the registered owner but the title..

Hope all is well..


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