# My husband doesn't want to see my mom dad and sister anymore



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.

So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.

Hubby says that it's my fault that we got to this point. I was supposed to tell them straight away that certain things they do are not appreciated. I always found this hard as I no longer have a relationship as I used to with them so I have trouble being firm with them. I know they would talk bad about my husband if I told them everything and I would have to defend him.

On top of this, I rarely fought with them when I lived with them. I am very peaceful by nature, while hubby has no problems getting into discussions with others and even cutting off relationships with his family.

Should I tell them all the things that caused my hubby to no longer want to see them like my mom saying we should go to church when my hubby is atheist or my dad making a mess in our bathroom and not cleaning up? (He has prostate issues) or my sister leaving a mess on the floor after eating? or my dad opening our closets without asking? or my dad asking questions about how much I earn? or how much it cost me to fix my home? I was always open with my dad telling him how much money I made or how much I spent on stuff.

My hubby seemed to tolerate this for a while, but now he says no more. I can understand that.

Should I just make a temporary excuse as to why I am going alone such as having construction done in the home (which is real) and not saying anything yet in case my husband may miraculously change his mind one day and see them again?

My hubby and may parents are different like night and day. My hubby is from military background all for order, cleanliness my family are hoarders and leave messes everywhere they go. My hubby is atheist and they are firmly religious.

My parents are old 84 and 87 and I am saddened of this situation because if I don't see them often enough I will regret this deeply one day they are gone. The loved to come to our place.

I am paying for an apartment by the sea for the 2-3 days I see them so to spend some quality time. Hubby complaints about this of course, but yet, at moments I think- if he could just tolerate them for those 2-3 days a month, we could have saved so much money, but I don't want them to fight. So then I think he is right.

Also, every day they call me and tell me to say hi and my hubby no longer responds. So I just tell them he says hi back. This has been going on for months. 

PS I work at home and don't talk to many people so I live in my own isolated state. It is often difficult for me to often see things with clarity, I don't know whether my husband is being too demanding and strict or whether my parents are really so problematic as he portrays them. It seems like he has issues with many people while I am very tolerant.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.
> 
> So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.
> 
> ...





Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.
> 
> So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.
> 
> ...


Maybe your husband has some valid points. A marriage needs some matters to be private and perhaps, he feels like they have been in the middle of your marriage for way too long. Maybe, some counseling would help.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

My husband won't do counseling. It hurts me to say the truth, I think if I told him do counseling or I will leave, he would let me leave or maybe would offer a different approach. I think he feels it's not macho, doesn't want others to know our private stuff and he tells me it's a waste of money. If we need to work on the marriage he thinks it's just between me and him so he would rather do something more productive like take me to a dinner to talk over things than counseling. I can do counseling on my own but I live in a rural area and I do not drive since having panic attacks.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Any marriage experts on this site who can offer some tips?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He sounds like a controlling tool


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

You are definitely in a bit of a tight spot and I somewhat understand it because I had a similar (no 2 situations are ever 100% identical) situation with my parents (they lived in India and I am of Indian descent) and my Ex-wife (she was from Ukraine) and in our 18-year marriage they met only 3 times and barely spoke to each other due to very different cultures and philosophies.

In your case, your parents are on the older side and I fully appreciate that you want them to have a reasonably happy and comfortable remaining life. But on the other hand, "walking on eggshells" around the relationship is not good for you. You maybe able to keep it up for a few years but the toll it is going to take on you, your marriage, and children is going to be immense. It think I did that and I am no longer married (parent-relationship was just one factor in my case and there were other communication issues). So, I suggest you do yourself a favor and not try to cover up the situation. Instead, just tell your parents "you husband is not feeling very communicative and needs some space". That will spur conversation, hopefully, and go through with the conversation with your parents to identify common areas to work towards.

Given the age of your parents, I think the adaptation would have to come from your husbands side, but that is a bit challenging. But here are some common areas that you can get started with. For example, do some little thing -- 

bake or cook something your husband likes (or may like, if you have no idea what your husband likes) with your mom and take it to him and say "my mom knows you like this and she asked me to help her make it"
ask your dad to help you buy a beverage that your husband may like and then give it to him saying "my dad and I found this, and he thought you would like to try it and we bought it for you"
You have to do this in writing to get the message across (talking etc. will not help) --- "give a card to your parents requesting not to bring up the subject of attending church". 
And things along those lines to break the ice a bit. It may also be ok to express some of your feelings along the lines of -- "my parents are old and I feel they miss spending time with us and I feel so helpless and don't feel I am being a good wife or a daughter". 
In any event, don't try to cover it up -- it is the easy approach but will cause issues on the longer run, particularly if your parents are going to be around for a while.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your parents invasive questions about money undermined your husband's authority as the head of your marital household. He felt like your parents were questioning his masculinity. 

When you are married, you have to leave your family of origin (parents) & make your husband your priority. When you didn't stick up for him he felt rejected & disrespected by you. 

To make peace he's keeping his distance. Let it be & enjoy this visit. When on the phone with your parents in the future, let your husband hear you sticking up for him. Also cut the phone calls from daily to maybe 3-4 times per week.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I wish I had an easy answer for you.

If my in-laws started going through my closet without asking, it would be the last time they would have access to it. If they further ignored my boundaries, they would not be welcome back in our home. If they still chose to ignore it, and my wife continued to enable such behavior, she would soon be my ex wife. 

And when it comes to money, that is none of your father's business, so stop making it such. 

Your family clearly grew up without teaching solid boundaries. That was okay, until someone entered the picture (your husband) who has them. 

Keep in mind that I am not saying your husband is without fault. But purely on the boundaries dilemma, he is absolutely right. That said, I will say that he ought to have the stones to bring it up to them. 

You have to decide whether you will honor your husband or honor your family. The former will require that YOU also enforce boundaries. The latter would be the path of least resistance for you, but you will also lose your husband, and likely any other strong man that would enter your life. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> You are definitely in a bit of a tight spot and I somewhat understand it because I had a similar (no 2 situations are ever 100% identical) situation with my parents (they lived in India and I am of Indian descent) and my Ex-wife (she was from Ukraine) and in our 18-year marriage they met only 3 times and barely spoke to each other due to very different cultures and philosophies.
> 
> In your case, your parents are on the older side and I fully appreciate that you want them to have a reasonably happy and comfortable remaining life. But on the other hand, "walking on eggshells" around the relationship is not good for you. You maybe able to keep it up for a few years but the toll it is going to take on you, your marriage, and children is going to be immense. It think I did that and I am no longer married (parent-relationship was just one factor in my case and there were other communication issues). So, I suggest you do yourself a favor and not try to cover up the situation. Instead, just tell your parents "you husband is not feeling very communicative and needs some space". That will spur conversation, hopefully, and go through with the conversation with your parents to identify common areas to work towards.
> 
> ...


Thank you so kindly for your great suggestions!


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Your parents invasive questions about money undermined your husband's authority as the head of your marital household. He felt like your parents were questioning his masculinity.
> 
> When you are married, you have to leave your family of origin (parents) & make your husband your priority. When you didn't stick up for him he felt rejected & disrespected by you.
> 
> To make peace he's keeping his distance. Let it be & enjoy this visit. When on the phone with your parents in the future, let your husband hear you sticking up for him. Also cut the phone calls from daily to maybe 3-4 times per week.


Thank you, I think I needed to hear this. It's not easy for me to understand how it might bother my hubby, but now that you word it like this, it makes sense. 

I don't know why but it's very difficult for me to cut the calls to 3-4 times a week now that they are this old. I feel like every day is a gift. I used to stay on the phone with them 2 hours a day before and now cut to 1 hour a day so that's my little progress to make my hubby happy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Unless talking about it is going to improve the relationships, acceptance is a fine response.

Your husband is an adult, and if he wants something explained to your parents, he can have that conversation.

If your parents have questions about your husband, feel free to say, 'Talk to him'.

If it were me, I wouldn't explain or make excuses - and definitely_ do not_ bad-mouth him to or with your parents.

And don't bad-mouth your parents to your husband.

Just opt out of gossiping.

And after you've created this boundary, if anyone brings it up, ask what the goal is of talking about it, because very few people want to go through the process of actually working through problems and making the relationships stronger.

Forgiveness is usually the last thing on anyone's mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.
> 
> So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.
> 
> ...


The truth is your parents would probably rather see you alone than with your husband where they have to tippy toe around. I don't think you should tell them anything because of what their ages are because they are certainly not going to change. I think you should just act happy that you're going to see them and tell them that your husband is too busy to come on these things with you and that work makes him tired and when he has any time off he likes to rest and relax.

That's all they need to know. A lot of people that old are not going to want to go visit someone because it is so hard to be away from the comforts of home. So you may never have to face them trying to come and stay with you. If you do, just tell them you're going to get them a room and a motel where they'll be more comfortable and a room that has handicap access and so that your husband can go on about his normal routine. Maybe if you do all this he might be more willing to at least go out to dinner with them one evening while they're in town. If they start talking religion you should just change the subject.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> I wish I had an easy answer for you.
> 
> If my in-laws started going through my closet without asking, it would be the last time they would have access to it. If they further ignored my boundaries, they would not be welcome back in our home. If they still chose to ignore it, and my wife continued to enable such behavior, she would soon be my ex wife.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective! I am making some progress slowly, like when my dad asks for my earnings, I change the subject rather than giving details. I think when I visit we will have to have a talk. I am not sure though if I can change them much, they are very set in their ways and now that they are 84 and almost 88 I feel that they are also struggling. Like I asked my dad to no do something and he forgets.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Openminded said:


> How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?


I am 45 hubby is 48 married almost 25 years.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The truth is your parents would probably rather see you alone than with your husband where they have to tippy toe around. I don't think you should tell them anything because of what their ages are because they are certainly not going to change. I think you should just act happy that you're going to see them and tell them that your husband is too busy to come on these things with you and that work makes him tired and when he has any time off he likes to rest and relax.
> 
> That's all they need to know. A lot of people that old are not going to want to go visit someone because it is so hard to be away from the comforts of home. So you may never have to face them trying to come and stay with you. If you do, just tell them you're going to get them a room and a motel where they'll be more comfortable and a room that has handicap access and so that your husband can go on about his normal routine. Maybe if you do all this he might be more willing to at least go out to dinner with them one evening while they're in town. If they start talking religion you should just change the subject.


This is true too, I know for a fact they won't change, they're so deeply set in their own ways. When they come visit us it's for 2-3 days max.

And it's also true they don't enjoy quality of time with me much when around my hubby due to walking on eggshells!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

They are your parents, not his.
Visit them as often as you please.

When they ask why he is not coming, tell your parents he does not like them.
Tell them why.

Do not sugar coat it.

When it comes to inheritances, expect to be cut out of their will.

That is the price of admitting.

The price of admission!

Life is rarely fair.

Tolerance is a rare commodity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At this late point, your parents obviously aren’t suddenly going to be neat or have boundaries. Understandably, your husband has had enough of them after 25 years so if you want to see them then you’ll have to go without him. If they ask questions, change the subject or be very vague with your answers. Your business is not their business.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> This is true too, I know for a fact they won't change, they're so deeply set in their own ways. When they come visit us it's for 2-3 days max.
> 
> And it's also true they don't enjoy quality of time with me much when around my hubby due to walking on eggshells!


You just need to get them a motel room. You can make up a lie and tell them your husband sometimes has to work from home and he can't have a bunch of people around when he's doing that. 

I can't imagine they're still even able to travel at that age so I don't think that'll last forever.

I will say this though. If your husband can't get it together and muster enough social graces to be polite enough to take them to a restaurant for dinner and pay for it if they come to town, he has just as much of a deficit as he's telling you you have for not standing up to your parents except he doesn't have the excuse that they are his parents. But I certainly don't blame anyone for not wanting someone in their house for two or three days. Unless someone is very extroverted and social that is not fun.

Being an older person myself, I would be relieved if someone said no don't come here, I'll come to you for a visit. So I kind of think you can head them off at the pass from even coming there. If they say something like we thought we might drive down this Sunday, say I'll come up there instead. Or if they're dying to get out of the house find a place you could meet them at, a cabin or resort or something.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Maryjean76 said:


> I feel like every day is a gift.


About this, you are indeed correct. Your husband moved you 2 hours away so you could see them. Take advantage of the time you have with them. Don't worry about "feeling single". The feeling is irrelevant. Concentrate on quality time. You have precious little of it left. Make the best of it.



Maryjean76 said:


> I don't know whether my husband is being too demanding and strict or whether my parents are really so problematic as he portrays them.


They are religious and he is atheist. This is an irresolvable dichotomy. One from which evolves many unreconcilable differences. Your husband has made a choice to not visit them, he has enabled you to continue visiting them. To me, on your husband's part, this is an act of love and respect FOR YOU.

Do not make excuses or tell them any untruths. It is likely not important, at this point in your parents' lives, whether he visits them or not. Like you say, it's better if he doesn't go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you still living in Italy? The flag shows U.S.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

With your parents being 84 and 87 you do not have much time left with them; you’r husband should try to be more understanding. Not for them, but for you. I could understand him spending less time with them, but him spending zero time with them is as much an indication of how he feels about you as he does about them.

Your marriage may be in trouble, and not because of your parents. Pay attention and start working on you marriage. See what is really going on.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Oh heavens. I was hoping you were newlyweds & you were just now learning how to be married but if you have talked to your parents for 2 hours every day for the length of your 25 year marriage you have never cut the apron strings. That has to grate on your husband something awful . . you are still running to daddy instead of being your husband's teammate after all these years. If your husband has put up with this for a quarter of century leave him in peace now. 

For you to say that you spending the weekend at your parents alone without your husband makes you feel single strikes me as odd. After 25 years together how you can say your marriage is so weak that you feel single when you go home to your parents seems very sketchy to me. I shouldn't invalidate your feelings but they way you phrased it made me think you were young & inexperienced & that was why you were having so much trouble separating yourself from mom & dad. 

On the one level I get it; they are older & every day is a gift. My parents were older & in the last 10 years of their lives I probably talked to them almost every day. But before that it was once a week at best or when we had something to discuss. You seem to have never cut the apron strings. 

It's time for you to show your husband how important & valuable he is to you. Stop discussing $$ with mom & dad & shut down conversations about that when your parents raise them by saying supportive things like "Hubby has always taken great care of me & our family. There's nothing for you to worry about." Build him up. Do not let anybody undermine him. 
After all these years, he's had enough. If you don't start empowering him you could lose your parents & your marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maryjean76 said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective! I am making some progress slowly, like when my dad asks for my earnings, I change the subject rather than giving details. I think when I visit we will have to have a talk. I am not sure though if I can change them much, they are very set in their ways and now that they are 84 and almost 88 I feel that they are also struggling. Like I asked my dad to no do something and he forgets.


Don't change the subject. By doing so, you are showing him through your actions that it is okay for him to ask.

Be firm.

"I love you, dad, but my finances are between myself and my husband."

If he makes an excuse and continues to pry, be MORE firm.

"I'm not okay with discussing my finances with you."

If he still continues:

"Are you done?"

See how that works? The answer to him is NO, no matter how he rephrases it. The statements above give you a way to do it without telling him why, which is also none of his business. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't see why you have to cover for your husband. I would tell my parents the reasons why and that's that.

But, in the other hand, your husband sounds controlling, and you under his control/command (typical military dude). It's your house also, and unless you also are in complete agreement that they shouldn't enter your house, then if you and your husband don't want to see them in the house whatever arrangements you are making are fine. Not need to hide the truth, though.

If you would want them to visit your house, your husband should accommodate you, and compromise with you a couple of times a years, so that he's not there for their visit. Or are you forbidden, like a child by your husband?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm the husband in your situation OP. My inlaws are what brought me to TAM initially. They are overbearing, nosey, judgemental and highly critical. I can't stand them and won't allow them in my home.

If you have been talking to them every day of your marriage for two hours, about all your marital business, your long suffering husband is at the end of his rope. He's done. And I don't blame him. I too thought you were young newlyweds at first and was shocked to read you've been married for nearly 25 years.

That said, your parents are very elderly, and at this point they are not going to change, and frankly they shouldn't have to. I also agree that you should be able to spend as much time with them as you wish, as long as it doesn't take away from your husband. I don't know what your working circumstances are, but there's no reason you couldn't do a day trip even a couple of times a week to visit them, two hours away is nothing. Leave after breakfast you could be there for morning tea, spend the day together then leave after afternoon tea and be home for dinner.

I would suggest cutting back the phone conversations to half an hour a day, and only having them while your husband is working. And stop discussing marital business with them, money etc. is between spouses only, its no one else's business. You also need to respect your husbands boundary about them being in your home. If they do visit, they can stay for ONE night and your husband should suck it up. If they want to stay for 2 or 3 nights, they stay in a motel. Compromise.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I also wouldn't tell your parents that your husband doesn't like them, that seems unnecessarily mean, especially at their ages.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Maryjean76 said:


> I know they would talk bad about my husband *if I told them everything* and I would have to defend him.


The bolded part ^^^^^, yeah, stop doing that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective! I am making some progress slowly, like when my dad asks for my earnings, I change the subject rather than giving details. I think when I visit we will have to have a talk. I am not sure though if I can change them much, they are very set in their ways and now that they are 84 and almost 88 I feel that they are also struggling. Like I asked my dad to no do something and he forgets.


They're so old and likely forgetful that that's just not a reason in the world why you can't just skirt around any direct questions they may have.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but *they always helped us out when in need giving us money.*


I thought the part about them asking what you were earning was odd until I remembered this part of your post. Maybe they want to know how much you earn so they can find out if you can afford to pay them back. Maybe they find themselves short of money in their old age.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Maryjean76 said:


> I am not sure though if I can change them much, they are very set in their ways


You don't have to change them; you have to change yourself. Married couples protect their spouse and you failed to do so. I am amazed that your husband put up with your behavior for this long. So go visit them on your own, stay off the phone when he is home, and most of all, quit talking about your money and married life with them. If you quit talking about that stuff, you will run out of things to talk about and should be able to cut the phone conversations down to five minutes a day.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're getting great advice on both sides. You have to decide what fits for you. Just curious as to how he got along and interacted with his own mother and father?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I’m surprised it took this long. Did you actually expect your husband to tolerate and get along with your family?

He was happy enough to take their money.

Go see your family and enjoy the visit. Your husband is being and ass. Even with all the problems I had with my wife’s family, I treated her mom with love and respect.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife thinks I should be more attentive to my own parents.

I’m definitely in the camp how my father taught me. When the mother bird gives birth to the baby birds they eventually get bounced from the nest and they never come back.

I have my own family now, and while I appreciate my parents, my father taught me that you get kicked from the nest and that’s it buddy!


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

ABHale said:


> I’m surprised it took this long. Did you actually expect your husband to tolerate and get along with your family?
> 
> He was happy enough to take their money.
> 
> Go see your family and enjoy the visit. Your husband is being and ass. Even with all the problems I had with my wife’s family, I treated her mom with love and respect.


Thank you for your thoughts. See this is where things get confusing for me... is my husband really being an ass or are my parents too much to get along? I am completely confused about this, especially when I read different opinions.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

TBT said:


> You're getting great advice on both sides. You have to decide what fits for you. Just curious as to how he got along and interacted with his own mother and father?


He left them very early. Joined the Army just at 17 and parents has to sign for him to go. He couldn't wait to leave. When I met him, he used to see them like once a year, when we saw my parents every 2-3 months. He was raised differently, but I think he was also neglected. Parents had a farm and never showed up for his graduations or even our wedding. He told me he felt terrible as a kid as all kids had their parents and his never showed up. His family is large and he had to baby sit all younger brothers and sisters. His mom was nice and I got along with her, but she used to hit him as a child. My parents are instead over protective. My mom has always talked to her mom every day. Total opposite. My hubby now calls his dad every 3 days since he lost his mom.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't see why you have to cover for your husband. I would tell my parents the reasons why and that's that.
> 
> But, in the other hand, your husband sounds controlling, and you under his control/command (typical military dude). It's your house also, and unless you also are in complete agreement that they shouldn't enter your house, then if you and your husband don't want to see them in the house whatever arrangements you are making are fine. Not need to hide the truth, though.
> 
> If you would want them to visit your house, your husband should accommodate you, and compromise with you a couple of times a years, so that he's not there for their visit. Or are you forbidden, like a child by your husband?


My husband would allow them, but he says he would have to go somewhere, but of course he doesn't like that. He told last night that he's not sure if this is something permanent, that for now he needs a break.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You just need to get them a motel room. You can make up a lie and tell them your husband sometimes has to work from home and he can't have a bunch of people around when he's doing that.
> 
> I can't imagine they're still even able to travel at that age so I don't think that'll last forever.
> 
> ...


If they're 84 and 88 I wouldn't be sending them to a hotel. Yes there are things to address it certainly sounds like but hotel by themselves is an invitation to accidents, falling, etc.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Maryjean76 said:


> is my husband really being an ass or are my parents too much to get along?


Your husband is NOT being an ass. He is protecting himself from these intrusive people because you have not done so. You should be loving to him for putting up with your s*** for so long.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your husband told you he needs a break. Give it to him. 

He's not being an ass. After a quarter century of having them butt into your marriage with your blessing he's had enough. Understand that & leave him in peace about this subject. If you can give him this one thing -- by not emasculating him with your parents all the time -- you should get a happier marriage.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Thank you for your thoughts. See this is where things get confusing for me... is my husband really being an ass or are my parents too much to get along? I am completely confused about this, especially when I read different opinions.


It’s not that your husband is being an ass or that your parents are difficult to get along with, it’s that you have poor boundaries. You have allowed your parents to know personal matters that should be between a husband and wife. My guess is that over the years, your husband has complained but you continued to answer any and all of their questions that is none of their business.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> Thank you for your thoughts. See this is where things get confusing for me... is my husband really being an ass or are my parents too much to get along? I am completely confused about this, especially when I read different opinions.


Your disclosures suggest that your parents can be overbearing to your husband on some counts.

In your words:

_"Should I tell them all the things that caused my hubby to no longer want to see them like my mom saying we should go to church when my hubby is atheist or my dad making a mess in our bathroom and not cleaning up? (He has prostate issues) or my sister leaving a mess on the floor after eating? or my dad opening our closets without asking? or my dad asking questions about how much I earn? or how much it cost me to fix my home? I was always open with my dad telling him how much money I made or how much I spent on stuff.

My hubby seemed to tolerate this for a while, but now he says no more. I can understand that."_

NO - do NOT tell them. Do NOT tell your parents that your husband does NOT wants to meet them, or said anything of the sort to you. This will damage his relations with your parents. People can say something in pure anger (or while venting) but do not actually mean it.

*1. *Your mother tells you and your husband to go church? She does not know that your husband is an athiest?

*Suggestion:* Just tell your mother that your husband is good to you and fulfill(s) your needs, and this matters to you in the end. His faith is secondary to you.

If you feel that she will push it then tell her what she wants to hear and be done with it. You and your husband do not have to go to church with your mother.

You know your parents better than anybody in the forum. You should figure out how to diffuse conversations with your parents about your husband. Do not badmouth him or complain about him to them.

*2. *Your father have opened closets in your home without permission?

*Suggestion: *If you are reluctant to stop him from doing this yourself then simply lock your closets before his visit(s).

*3. *Your father making a mess of your bathroom and not cleaning it after use?

*Suggestion: *You may clean your bathroom after he uses it.

*4. *Your sister leaves a mess on the floor after eating?

*Suggestion: *Give her a tray and napkin to use when she eats in your home. Just tell her that *both* (you and your husband), would appreciate responsible eating.

*Point? *

You will have to take some responsibility for addressing complaints of your husband about your original family members when they visit your home. This is all.

In your words:

_"Hubby says that it's my fault that we got to this point. I was supposed to tell them straight away that certain things they do are not appreciated. I always found this hard as I no longer have a relationship as I used to with them so I have trouble being firm with them. I know they would talk bad about my husband if I told them everything and I would have to defend him.

On top of this, I rarely fought with them when I lived with them. I am very peaceful by nature, while hubby has no problems getting into discussions with others and even cutting off relationships with his family."_

This is not helpful to your husband. He is unable to cope with your family members on his own. You should determine how to help him in this matter. I have given you some suggestions in relation. Try them.

You do NOT have to fight with your parents. They are too old, and should be respected. Tell your husband to NOT have arguments with your parents either. You should learn how to defend your husband when your parents question him, in polite terms.

It is NOT OK for your husband to have verbal fights with your original family members. He expects from you to help him cope with them which is reasonable on his part.

You also mentioned that your father inquire(s) about your finances because you have borrowed from him from time-to-time. Just tell him that you and your husband are making ends meet as a team. You will not borrow from him unless in financial crunch.



Maryjean76 said:


> My husband would allow them, but he says he would have to go somewhere, but of course he doesn't like that. He told last night that he's not sure if this is something permanent, that for now he needs a break.


Please see above.

Your husband is frustrated and unable to cope with your family members on his own.

Just let him know *how* you can try to address his complaints about your original family members when they visit your house. Let him know that you will cover for him when necessary.

He will calm down and come around.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Maryjean76, your other threads describe problems between you and husband over decades and two countries. IMO you need some facilitated counseling. Your parents are not the problem, you said he byches at you about everything and mentioned in another thread he was a grumpy old man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It isn’t like if one is wrong (parents) then the other has to be right (husband). Your parents are difficult and so is your husband. Your past threads are full of complaints about this dynamic. You are the passive one caught between them. I would guess that nothing will change. 

As old as they are, travel is probably difficult so you should visit them instead of having them visit you. Hopefully, they will think that’s a good idea. If they ask where he is, be vague. Maybe he’ll change his mind someday but he may not so don’t have expectations about that. 

Your country flag is showing U.S. rather than Italy. I assume you haven’t moved back here permanently since your family’s still there?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> bake or cook something your husband likes (or may like, if you have no idea what your husband likes) with your mom and take it to him and say "my mom knows you like this and she asked me to help her make it"
> ask your dad to help you buy a beverage that your husband may like and then give it to him saying "my dad and I found this, and he thought you would like to try it and we bought it for you"


I understand where you are coming from, but I think that this is a little disingenuous way to go about it. Also, down the road when the husband realizes that the wife was the one who did it in order to smooth the concerns between the husband and the parents, the husband might consider this as the wife not having his back.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your disclosures suggest that your parents can be overbearing to your husband on some counts.
> 
> In your words:
> 
> ...


Thank you so kindly for the suggestions. I have tried some of the options given. For instance, I have offered myself over and over to clean the bathroom after my dad, but hubby won't let me. He has this thing that he thinks he cleans better than me. He thinks I would leave behind lingering odors. I know this is not true, because I have cleaned up after my dad several times and he never noticed anything. One day, he found a mess in our bathroom that I didn't see and even told my dad about it and hubby cleaned it up frustrated. I was mortified and felt bad for my dad!

The problem is we have now a designated a bathroom for my dad. But if that's busy by my mom or sister, he sneaks and uses ours. I have locked it ever since and make excuses every time, but it's a pain to lock it all the time and I feel bad when he asks and I have to tell my hubby is in it. 

My sister's messes I clean up after them after meals. However, my husband still cannot get over the fact that once he asked my sister to clean up her mess of chocolate crumbs on the table and she said yes and when hubby came back it was still there and this upset him. He also complains that I shouldn't clean up after them. 

They wake up early to go to church, and I tell them to be quiet, but they keep forgetting and talk loud waking my husband up. Sometimes I feel like it's easier training a monkey than my family. 

I am afraid that no matter what I do, something unexpected will happen or it will not meet my husband's standards. He's a clean freak, my family are hoarders. My husband has asked them repeatedly to not bring us stuff (my hubby doesn't like that they give us "junk" as gifts) and they keep on bringing stuff. I know, one can say just toss it if you don't like it, but in Italy it's even hard to get rid of stuff with all the recycling going on and small containers! Last time my hubby told me clearly if they come with more stuff I will toss it in front of them! Only a couple of gifts my parents gave us, he was appreciated deeply, our marriage picture framed and a nice painting.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't understand the bathroom messes. Does having prostate problems mean he is unable to direct the flow of urine. Is he spraying the walls or what? Why is your sister walking around like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown? 

Your family continually disrespects you - why is that?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Stop allowing your family to visit your home. They are invading your husband's sanctuary. Go visit them at their home, but keep them out of yours. The amount of disrespect that they show is unacceptable and it is your job to protect your husband from that.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I cannot live with someone who doesn't have boundaries. I like my privacy and I need someone who respects my privacy.

What do you talk about with your parents for an hour every day? I text my parents on and off through out the day (because they live in a different country) but I don't talk for an hour when we call each other. 

Cleaning after making a mess is common sense to me, no matter how old you are, you need to live in a clean environment. I can have a heart attack if I see piss and bacteria around the toilet. 🤢 

I agree with your husband. Once I got married, I understood my husband was my priority and my parents kinda became the runner ups. They encouraged me to treat my husband as my priority, just like they did when they got married. This is, to me, a healthy behavior which helps a marriage to succeed.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't understand the bathroom messes. Does having prostate problems mean he is unable to direct the flow of urine. Is he spraying the walls or what? Why is your sister walking around like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown?
> 
> Your family continually disrespects you - why is that?



At 88 he likely can't see the mess he makes, but he can't not know given that OP has raised it before, so it should be requested that he sit when he uses the loo, rather than stand, that would fix the problem for everyone.

As for the sister, I got nothin', she just sounds like a slob.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.
> 
> So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.
> 
> ...


Aside from being an atheist (I'm a very staunch Christian) I find myself agreeing with your husband.

Take your time with your parents but don't be too upset that your husband doesn't tolerate their BS.

You also might want to stand up for your man occasionally.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out when in need giving us money.
> 
> So now, for the first time since we are married, I am going to visit them on my own. This stresses me out because it feels odd sort of like if I am single. The main concern is I don't know what to say to them.
> 
> ...


Hi,
He should like, not live your folks, and owe visiting respect for what they do for you both. As a team, he can deal with it 4 hours a month,
He is an atheist, that's a problem, read the Bible how to deal with that. The differences are going to add up now to the point if separation if you don't get 1/2 of what you hope for. You need to decide 3 things change each others behavior, stay and such it up, or leave. I'd teat the waters by staying away 3 nights a week at mom's house to see whether you are lived and needed see if he changes, but tell him how you feel. And Need a break, give him the excuse he gives you for not wanting to join you once a month to visit mom and dad. Don't cave for two months. You need to see behavior change..


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## Ollarfreeman (Oct 29, 2020)

My dear, i feel your pains and am so happy for you to be a caring daughter, you are also a good woman. 
Having said that, you should know that, you have your home to protect. Your husband is the first person you see every morning when you live in peace.
Your dad and mom have build their home, that is why they are still together at old age.
Now let me share small idea.
1) dont tell your parent what is going on in your home again. That is call respect 
2) Let your parent have a paid helper but always go their once.. the more you visit, they get to suspect your husband lapses 
3) dont discuss that matter with your husband again.. he will go there anytime he feels like..
4) present gift to your parent in a tone from you and your husband not only you..

I may not be right but i think some sense can be taking


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