# Update on my OLD guy



## Girl_power

To recap... he lives just under 2hrs. We have been talking everyday since we matched on our dating app which was about 2.5 months ago. I really really like him. We have seen each other about 7 times, him always making the plans. We have both traveled over the weekends to see each other, we sleep over each other’s places. 

We have had sex twice. And now I am feeling very emotionally vulnerable and scared. I really like him. He tells me he really likes me, he acts like he really likes me. He is super sweet and romantic and thoughtful when we are together. When we are together, he acts like he is all about me. I can see that he is putting in effort to make me happy. When we aren’t together he texts me everyday, and sends pics of himself and what he’s doing all the time. Always tells me what he is doing. 

Here is my problem. I think with OLD you go lots of dates and meet lots of people and narrow things down as you get more serious and blah blah. We’re not monogamous until a discussion is had. 
I asked him if he was talking to anyone else from my town (this was weeks ago). And he said no; that he wasn’t talking to anyone else, and he “usually takes these things one at a time, especially if there is potential”. These are his words. So now weeks later and we’re having sex and I am falling for him and I’m getting too vulnerable and I’m scared to get hurt. 
So... we matched on hinge. I saw his dating profile on another dating site but I didn’t match with him, instead I used it to kind of keep tabs on him. Yes I know that’s very red flagy of me, but there are so many players out there I don’t want to get hurt and played. So anyway... yesterday he updated his dating profile (the one we didn’t match on, the one he doesn’t know I know about). And I am totally fine about it ( well not that fine), but what really really really pisses me off is that he didn’t update his profile on hinge. 

So now I feel like he is doing things behind my back, and I can’t trust him. I wouldn’t of cared so much if he also changed his hinge profile, but now he seems sketchy and I feel way too vulnerable. 

What’s people’s opinions?
So I am trying to pull back emotionally because I don’t want to get hurt. He is acting the same with me. We aren’t hanging out this weekend, but next weekend we are spending two nights camping and hiking. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him because I know emotionally I won’t be able to handle it.

I know this is a red flag. But we aren’t official yet. I clearly want to be official but I think it’s the guys job to make that happen. Is it too early on to expect so much?


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## lifeistooshort

If you're going to have sex with this guy you absolutely need to have an exclusivity talk. It's not safe to be having sex if your partner isn't monogamous.

I guess if you negotiate an open type arrangement with boundaries and safety precautions that's a little different, but you have no idea who this guy is banging.

My guy and I had this talk early on. I didn't ask him for anything, but I did say that I didn't wish to be exposed to anything and fortunately neither did he.

If you're screwing others you aren't screwing me. Period.

And yes, you should pull back some emotionally. You barely know this guy.


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## bkyln309

I am more concerned of your behavior than his. You all have not agreed to stop dating anyone else. He is free to date and match with anyone until you all have the talk. You stalking him and trying to trap him is more much concerning than him dating on other sites. He doesnt have to follow any rules of updating all the sites. He has freedom to choose where he finds dates. 

You are way over reacting. His behavior is normal. Yours is not. You need to really evaluate if you are mentally ready to date.


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## minimalME

Girl_power said:


> What’s people’s opinions?


Don't have sex with strangers. 😘


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## Girl_power

bkyln309 said:


> I am more concerned of your behavior than his. You all have not agreed to stop dating anyone else. He is free to date and match with anyone until you all have the talk. You stalking him and trying to trap him is more much concerning than him dating on other sites. He doesnt have to follow any rules of updating all the sites. He has freedom to choose where he finds dates.
> 
> You are way over reacting. His behavior is normal. Yours is not. You need to really evaluate if you are mentally ready to date.


I disagree with you. 
I don’t date for fun. I date to find my life partner. And the persons character is what matters to me. I don’t care if he is dating other people, I don’t care if he is having sex with other people, that is within his right. I do however care if he is giving me one impression, then being sneaky and doing something behind my back. That speaks to his character. 

I never told him I was only talking to him. I don’t lie. 

It’s emotionally manipulative to tell me one thing, act one way... which is clearly meant to get me to like him, and get me to feel a certain way about him... then to look for other women on a dating app that he doesn’t realize I have access to. 

I want honesty. Be straight up with me. Of course he can be with other people, but he should have the decency to tell me. Instead he told me he isn’t talking to anyone else. Which he may not be, but he clearly wants to. 

My behavior is stalker-ish, but it’s protective and smart. I don’t want to be all in on someone who is just wasting my time. There are a lot of ****ty people out there that drag relationships out and treat people poorly by “being too nice”, aka not ending things if you don’t want a long term relationship.


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## Not

I see three options:

1) end it and move on because you get to choose what's ok with you and what's not.

2) ask him about it and go from there.

3) ask him to become exclusive.

I've been burned in this way in the past and it's now one of the things I watch for when getting to know someone. Are the actions matching up with the words? Once the exclusive talk occurs the dating profiles need to either be shut down or not used at all. 

Guy one kept his profile active by updating his pics for the three months he was dating me but telling me him and I were exclusive. I had no idea because I wasn't watching him, I trusted him with that stuff. Broke up with him for that and lots of other things too but that was the cherry on top. Guy two who I'm currently dating kept his profile for about four months but never logged in again after we had the exclusive talk. He deleted his profile at the four month mark. I watched him because I refused to get burned again. 

You have no right to expect anything of him at this point but after the talk of being exclusive then yes, you do. And remember, this is your life. You get to decide what you're ok with both before and after the exclusive talk. I'm the type who has no interest in dating someone who's not interested in focusing on getting to know just me. I'm giving him the same courtesy. If he'd rather continue looking around while he's getting to know me then we're not going to get to the exclusive point together.


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## joannacroc

Just to play devil's advocate, you had to have also been on the other dating site in order to be able to see his profile there, right? So it sounds like you are also on dating sites even though you guys are seeing each other. 

Asking if he is seeing anyone else in your town is also an odd question if you really want to know "are you seeing anyone else?" which is a completely fair question. Ask the real question, don't softball it.

And try and put less pressure on another person to be everything to you so quickly. You have had under 10 dates. Slow down, step back and ask yourself "what do you really know about this guy?" That's good that you are clear about what you want (a life partner) but that's really soon to expect this guy to be that because after so little time together you really don't know him enough to know much other than that you enjoy his company, and that you (presumably) enjoy sex together.


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## jsmart

Are you still talking to or entertaining other suitors? Could he be aware of your account on the other site and just be smartly keeping his options open because he thinks that’s what you’re doing?

It is way too soon to think some guy you met on the Internet is safe to give your heart to.


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## happyhusband0005

Girl_power said:


> I disagree with you.
> I don’t date for fun. I date to find my life partner. And the persons character is what matters to me. I don’t care if he is dating other people, I don’t care if he is having sex with other people, that is within his right. I do however care if he is giving me one impression, then being sneaky and doing something behind my back. That speaks to his character.
> 
> I never told him I was only talking to him. I don’t lie.
> 
> It’s emotionally manipulative to tell me one thing, act one way... which is clearly meant to get me to like him, and get me to feel a certain way about him... then to look for other women on a dating app that he doesn’t realize I have access to.
> 
> I want honesty. Be straight up with me. Of course he can be with other people, but he should have the decency to tell me. Instead he told me he isn’t talking to anyone else. Which he may not be, but he clearly wants to.
> 
> My behavior is stalker-ish, but it’s protective and smart. I don’t want to be all in on someone who is just wasting my time. There are a lot of ****ty people out there that drag relationships out and treat people poorly by “being too nice”, aka not ending things if you don’t want a long term relationship.


I definitely see where you're coming from but I get what @bkyln309 is saying. My thing is this what I get from what you wrote, you want to take things to the next level with this guy but you don't want to be the one to bring it up. From the very beginning with this guy I think I remember he is not very forward so you both might be wanting the same thing but neither is saying it. So because no one wants to discuss exclusivity you have created this situation where you feel like he is being dishonest which maybe he is a little but its not a black and white situation. I think being afraid to discuss anything in a relationship is a red flag for the relationship. 

Just discuss exclusivity be up front instead of trying to figure out things with your own intel operation, get your answers from him not your interpretation of his dating profiles. Secrets and hiding what you know is a bad base for a relationship. Tell him you saw his updates to his other profile tell him you want to be exclusive put all the cards on the table in a way he feels comfortable putting all his cards down too. That will put you both on the same level and set the start of the exclusive relationship in a healthy place where you are both on the same page. This wondering and trying to figure it out on your own is not a healthy way to go about things.


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## Blondilocks

What did his update involve?


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## ccpowerslave

Hmm I think you’re not wrong here @Girl_power in that there are men like you want out there who will “lock it down”.

My mindset as a young man was to pursue one woman at a time (before OLD) and it still would be. The plate spinning and such is too much drama and I am too busy. Either I like a person and want to spend time with them or I don’t.

As a traditional person myself I agree that the man should be the one to bring up exclusivity. Absent that, as you have mentioned before he is not that forward so perhaps he is wondering why you haven’t brought it up yet and is hedging his bets.

If you like this guy maybe it’s worth asking what he thinks about exclusively and if he is open to it maybe nuke your profiles together?


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## Evinrude58

It’s online dating. Everyone has huge numbers of options and you’re likely one of many, or he is hoping you to be one of many.
Having the exclusivity talk is a waste of time. When he wants to be, he will be. Withhold the sex until he brings it up and then let the hammer down—/ if he wants to continue what shouldn’t have gotten started until the exclusivity talk, then you’re gonna have to let him know that both of you are off the dating sites.
Warning: Dating sites are addictive and serial dating is too.
Best to never get too emotionally invested too fast, and sex should be off the table until research is done.


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## SunCMars

bkyln309 said:


> I am more concerned of your behavior than his. You all have not agreed to stop dating anyone else. He is free to date and match with anyone until you all have the talk. You stalking him and trying to trap him is more much concerning than him dating on other sites. He doesnt have to follow any rules of updating all the sites. He has freedom to choose where he finds dates.
> 
> You are way over reacting. His behavior is normal. Yours is not. You need to really evaluate if you are mentally ready to date.


Of course I agree with this.

In due course, this line of thinking will soon bite you hard on your tender emoticon.

What is fair, and is fair game is not alwags smooth sailing. 

A guy, or a gal that is intimate with you should know better than to continue on with others.

Ought to, is not a guarantee.

Selfish people are more the normal.


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## Girl_power

joannacroc said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, you had to have also been on the other dating site in order to be able to see his profile there, right? So it sounds like you are also on dating sites even though you guys are seeing each other.
> 
> Asking if he is seeing anyone else in your town is also an odd question if you really want to know "are you seeing anyone else?" which is a completely fair question. Ask the real question, don't softball it.
> 
> And try and put less pressure on another person to be everything to you so quickly. You have had under 10 dates. Slow down, step back and ask yourself "what do you really know about this guy?" That's good that you are clear about what you want (a life partner) but that's really soon to expect this guy to be that because after so little time together you really don't know him enough to know much other than that you enjoy his company, and that you (presumably) enjoy sex together.


I went out for drinks other a few of my single girlfriends... and they are all in the same dating app as me. One is the girls was talking about this guy she was talking to; and all I kept thinking was omg please don’t be the same guy I am talking to. So that’s why I asked him about dating someone from my town. At that time I expected him to be talking to other women, but I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t one of my friends. 

There is a difference between keeping your dating profile up while seeing how things go with someone and actively updating it while seeing how things go with a person. At least to me it is. I still have my dating profile up, I have 50 “likes” from men that I haven’t even looked at because right now I’m not interested. I don’t go on this app, it just shows the number on likes on the app icon on my phone. 
To me, adding new pics means your trying to attract new people and new potentials. That’s not what I am doing, clearly he is. 

And I agree with slowing it down. This is my flaw, when I’m into something I’m 100% in and that’s not good.


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## Livvie

I think the moral is the story is don't have sex until you know someone well, and both agree to be exclusive, if that is something you are going to want.


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## SunCMars

Being easily-pleased is both a blessing and a curse.

Especially true when dating.


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## Girl_power

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s online dating. Everyone has huge numbers of options and you’re likely one of many, or he is hoping you to be one of many.
> Having the exclusivity talk is a waste of time. When he wants to be, he will be. Withhold the sex until he brings it up and then let the hammer down—/ if he wants to continue what shouldn’t have gotten started until the exclusivity talk, then you’re gonna have to let him know that both of you are off the dating sites.
> Warning: Dating sites are addictive and serial dating is too.
> Best to never get too emotionally invested too fast, and sex should be off the table until research is done.


I agree. I am not going to have the exclusivity talk right now. I want him to start it and I understand if he isn’t ready to start it. I am not going to have sex anymore, I agree with what you said 100%. I am going to get my emotions under control. 
I’ll try to start talking to other guys. If the lack of sex doesn’t prompt this exclusivity talk, then I’ll give it a few more weeks before I have it with him (if things are still going well). If things simmer down, I’ll just end it because the 2hr distance is not worth the luke warmness.


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## SunCMars

When you want someone, distance is but a delay.

The heart wants what it wants.


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## minimalME

Trying to get the word 'exclusive' out of this person (now or later) is not going to make your situation better. 

It's completely meaningless.

That sooo many seemingly intelligent adults have latched onto such nonsense is astonishing. 😂


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## notmyjamie

If you're going camping with him in 2 weeks he's probably expecting sex and will wonder what the heck has happened that you are now not interested???? 

I think it's worth to to him ahead of time..."I know I asked about seeing someone else in my town but I've been thinking and if you're sleeping with someone else I want to put that part of things on hold until we become exclusive." He'll be all for it or he won't and you can move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Livvie said:


> I think the moral is the story is don't have sex until you know someone well, and both agree to be exclusive, if that is something you are going to want.


That's one moral, and it is the best option I truly believe here.

But many of us believed in our pre marriage days it was normal to have s3x with the date you were on, if all parties were in tune so to speak. And as long as one was tactful and respectful to all you were dating at once, it was very normal to have sex with all, until and if one had the exclusive talk.

This limited a lot of the only if, and any regret factors, and kept one looking forward until the one came along.


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## Girl_power

notmyjamie said:


> If you're going camping with him in 2 weeks he's probably expecting sex and will wonder what the heck has happened that you are now not interested????
> 
> I think it's worth to to him ahead of time..."I know I asked about seeing someone else in my town but I've been thinking and if you're sleeping with someone else I want to put that part of things on hold until we become exclusive." He'll be all for it or he won't and you can move on.


Of course he is going to expect sex. For all he knows I have my period. Sex isn’t a given. A man or women can turn down sex anytime for any reason. 

I’m not going to give him a heads up. I don’t want to force a conversation on text, and I don’t want to pressure him to be upset exclusive. And I don’t want to see sex and exclusivity in the same sentence because that seems like I’m using sex to get what I want. 

The truth is, I made a mistake having sex too early, or before we were exclusive. I don’t want him to feel manipulated like I’m using sex to get what I want and I’m sensitive that my situation comes off that way.


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## Girl_power

minimalME said:


> Trying to get the word 'exclusive' out of this person (now or later) is not going to make your situation better.
> 
> It's completely meaningless.
> 
> That sooo many seemingly intelligent adults have latched onto such nonsense is astonishing.


It’s about feeling secure. One can’t be vulnerable without security. A relationship with no vulnerability isn’t worth it. People need different things to feel secure. Everyone is different.


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## ccpowerslave

I’m clearly not like this guy but for me your plan to withhold sex would make me assume the woman isn’t interested, doesn’t like sex, doesn’t like sex with me, or it would be very confusing and would have the opposite effect that you intend.

Then again at the point where I started having sex with a woman I already wanted to be the only guy there so I would be having the discussion right then. If she was like nah... then to me that was it.


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## Girl_power

jsmart said:


> Are you still talking to or entertaining other suitors? Could he be aware of your account on the other site and just be smartly keeping his options open because he thinks that’s what you’re doing?
> 
> It is way too soon to think some guy you met on the Internet is safe to give your heart to.


I wasn’t talking to anyone. I don’t know if he knows this or not. He never asked, I never told him anything. My phone sends me notices if someone likes me on my dating app and maybe he could have seen that when we were hanging out. Who knows what he saw, or thinks. But no, I haven’t been talking to anyone else, and he hasn’t come out and asked me about it.


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## Girl_power

Blondilocks said:


> What did his update involve?


He always had pics of him with and without a beard. So in his profile he wrote... the beard is current. About a week or so ago he shaved his beard and is now clean shaved. So he changed his profile from a bearded pic to a new beardless pic and he wrote... the beard is now gone.


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## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m clearly not like this guy but for me your plan to withhold sex would make me assume the woman isn’t interested, doesn’t like sex, doesn’t like sex with me, or it would be very confusing and would have the opposite effect that you intend.
> 
> Then again at the point where I started having sex with a woman I already wanted to be the only guy there so I would be having the discussion right then. If she was like nah... then to me that was it.


I agree with this. It’s a double edge sword. I think it’s really crappy of me to have sex and open that part of the relationship up, then to stop having sex. 
But I don’t know what else to do because I am just way to vulnerable now. And I know I can’t continue to have sex and guard my heart so to speak. And I also don’t want to rush the relationship status in anyway. I really messed up having sex to begin with.


And he’s told me that he is super sensitive. And he needs to feel secure in a relationship. I don’t know how to give him that without sacrificing my vulnerability.


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## minimalME

But you already have been very vulnerable. You had sex with him. 😳

So the security that you're trying to garner now is based on what? He's a stranger.

Two and half months is nothing. He has not had time to develop any genuine care for you. It's all lust at this point.

Requiring a pseudo-commitment is not going to bond him. If he agrees to it, he's manipulating you.



Girl_power said:


> It’s about feeling secure. One can’t be vulnerable without security. A relationship with no vulnerability isn’t worth it. People need different things to feel secure. Everyone is different.


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## Girl_power

minimalME said:


> But you already have been very vulnerable. You had sex with him.
> 
> So the security that you're trying to garner now is based on what? He's a stranger.
> 
> Two and half months is nothing. He has not had time to develop any genuine care for you. It's all lust at this point.
> 
> Requiring a pseudo-commitment is not going to bond him. If he agrees to it, he's manipulating you.


I disagree with this 100% 

I can argue that some people are together for years and still don’t really know each other. No one knows someone entirely. It’s about knowing someone enough to want to make things exclusive... to taking it to the next level. 

He’s not a stranger. And for the record I was with my exH for 15 years and in the end I didn’t really know him. 

I’m really taken a back by your stance and I honestly don’t understand it. I don’t know what a normal progression of a relationship looks like to you.


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## minimalME

I understand - most people do disagree. It's okay. I truly do wish you the very best. 

Take good care of yourself. 🙂💕



Girl_power said:


> I disagree with this 100%
> 
> I can argue that some people are together for years and still don’t really know each other. No one knows someone entirely. It’s about knowing someone enough to want to make things exclusive... to taking it to the next level.
> 
> He’s not a stranger. And for the record I was with my exH for 15 years and in the end I didn’t really know him.
> 
> I’m really taken a back by your stance and I honestly don’t understand it. I don’t know what a normal progression of a relationship looks like to you.


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## Cletus

Guess I'm going to have to go against the grain here.

My personal history has led me to believe that sexual chemistry should be a prerequisite to exclusivity, not the other way 'round. You are asking someone to jettison their dating life completely in favor of an exclusive arrangement with (the generic) you before you even know if you are compatible going forward. 

I wouldn't do it, and I'm no player. But exclusivity is the first step towards relationship permanence - something that cannot be properly done until one has covered all of the compatibility basics, and this definitely includes sex. And sexual chemistry cannot really be determined from one or two offerings.


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## Girl_power

minimalME said:


> But you already have been very vulnerable. You had sex with him.
> 
> So the security that you're trying to garner now is based on what? He's a stranger.
> 
> Two and half months is nothing. He has not had time to develop any genuine care for you. It's all lust at this point.
> 
> Requiring a pseudo-commitment is not going to bond him. If he agrees to it, he's manipulating you.


Oh and to respond to the rest...

Yes I made a mistake and had sex with him and became vulnerable. That doesn’t mean I can’t gain control of my vulnerability and emotions. I am not going to keep going down the rabbit hole. 

The security I want is him wanting to be exclusive. I think that’s normal. It’s for him to get off the dating apps and stop looking for another women. I’m not trying to con him into anything. And I don’t think anyone will agree to being exclusive if they didn’t want to be exclusive. Yea people lie and cheat, but at that point it’s black and white and it’s an easy decision to end things. 
When things are gray that’s when things get muddled. That’s when things really aren’t “wrong”. It’s all about being on the same page and being happy with that page. I am not happy being on this page, and yes I know I put myself here.


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## Girl_power

Cletus said:


> Guess I'm going to have to go against the grain here.
> 
> My personal history has led me to believe that sexual chemistry should be a prerequisite to exclusivity, not the other way 'round. You are asking someone to jettison their dating life completely in favor of an exclusive arrangement with (the generic) you before you even know if you are compatible going forward.
> 
> I wouldn't do it, and I'm no player. But exclusivity is the first step towards relationship permanence - something that cannot be properly done until one has covered all of the compatibility basics, and this definitely includes sex. And sexual chemistry cannot really be determined from one or two offerings.


I actually agree with this. 

My panties wouldn’t be in such a twist right now if it weren’t for him updating his dating profile. Otherwise I would agree with this. But it’s hard for me to open up to him sexually if I feel like he’s looking for someone else. 

Again, it’s a catch 22. I think it is early to define the relationship. But right now I’m not feeling the security I need to be vulnerable with him.


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## minimalME

Girl_power said:


> Oh and to respond to the rest...


My intention isn't to be hostile, and I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I'm being honest. That's what you asked for, yes?



> Yes I made a mistake and had sex with him and became vulnerable. That doesn’t mean I can’t gain control of my vulnerability and emotions. I am not going to keep going down the rabbit hole..


If you want to gain control, then cut him loose.

He's shown you what he thinks about you with his behavior and his choices. That's the truth you need to be willing to see.



> The security I want is him wanting to be exclusive.


I understand, but you have no control over that. Getting him to say it has nothing to do with what's going on inside him.



> I think that’s normal.


Okay.



> It’s for him to get off the dating apps and stop looking for another women. I’m not trying to con him into anything.


But you are. This is manipulative behavior. You want your way. You want to control him, instead of controlling _you._



> And I don’t think anyone will agree to being exclusive if they didn’t want to be exclusive.


Right, but why would they want to be 'exclusive'? Because of _you_? Not really. If a man you've known for 2.5 months agrees to only have sex with you, it's because he enjoys having sex with you, and he'll agree to just about whatever in order to keep having sex with you until he tires of you. 



> Yea people lie and cheat, but at that point it’s black and white and it’s an easy decision to end things.


And move on to use the next person until they're not entertaining anymore. This is what 'dating' has become.



> When things are gray that’s when things get muddled. That’s when things really aren’t “wrong”. It’s all about being on the same page and being happy with that page. I am not happy being on this page, and yes I know I put myself here.


Right. But you aren't on the same page. You're like on the first page, and he's already back in the stacks looking for other books. 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've been in the very same place, so I understand how it feels. 

As I said, I wish you the best.

I will step away from your thread now. 😬


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## Blondilocks

I think you know all you need to know - he is updating his profile on a site that he thinks you're unaware of. Next.


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## Not

Blondilocks said:


> I think you know all you need to know - he is updating his profile on a site that he thinks you're unaware of. Next.


Yep, this.


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## Girl_power

minimalME said:


> My intention isn't to be hostile, and I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I'm being honest. That's what you asked for, yes?
> 
> 
> 
> If you want to gain control, then cut him loose.
> 
> He's shown you what he thinks about you with his behavior and his choices. That's the truth you need to be willing to see.
> 
> 
> 
> I understand, but you have no control over that. Getting him to say it has nothing to do with what's going on inside him.
> 
> 
> 
> Okay.
> 
> 
> 
> But you are. This is manipulative behavior. You want your way. You want to control him, instead of controlling _you._
> 
> 
> 
> Right, but why would they want to be 'exclusive'? Because of _you_? Not really. If a man you've known for 2.5 months agrees to only have sex with you, it's because he enjoys having sex with you, and he'll agree to just about whatever in order to keep having sex with you until he tires of you.
> 
> 
> 
> And move on to use the next person until they're not entertaining anymore. This is what 'dating' has become.
> 
> 
> 
> Right. But you aren't on the same page. You're like on the first page, and he's already back in the stacks looking for other books.
> 
> I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've been in the very same place, so I understand how it feels.
> 
> As I said, I wish you the best.
> 
> I will step away from your thread now.


I’m not trying to be hostile I’m trying to understand where your coming from. 

I don’t like his behavior right now, but it’s not enough for me to write him off yet. You assume too quickly he is playing me. 

It’s not manipulative behavior. It’s establishing boundaries. I’m choosing not to have sex with him because I’m not secure enough to do so anymore. That’s me controlling my behavior. If he doesn’t like it, he can walk. 

I disagree about the agreeing to have sex with me paragraph you wrote. We live 2hrs away. That’s a lot of work just for sex. You don’t know anything about us, and our deep conversations, and the effort he puts in. If it was just sex... he would do it with someone who lives in the same town as him. He wouldn’t be making weekend plans with me that involve him driving 5 hours.


----------



## Livvie

Girl_power said:


> I’m not trying to be hostile I’m trying to understand where your coming from.
> 
> I don’t like his behavior right now, but it’s not enough for me to write him off yet. You assume too quickly he is playing me.
> 
> It’s not manipulative behavior. It’s establishing boundaries. I’m choosing not to have sex with him because I’m not secure enough to do so anymore. That’s me controlling my behavior. If he doesn’t like it, he can walk.
> 
> I disagree about the agreeing to have sex with me paragraph you wrote. We live 2hrs away. That’s a lot of work just for sex. You don’t know anything about us, and our deep conversations, and the effort he puts in. If it was just sex... he would do it with someone who lives in the same town as him. He wouldn’t be making weekend plans with me that involve him driving 5 miles.


... Then.... Why is he updating his profile?🤔


----------



## Girl_power

Livvie said:


> ... Then.... Why is he updating his profile?


Who knows, maybe he thinks I’m talking to other people too.


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> To recap... he lives just under 2hrs. We have been talking everyday since we matched on our dating app which was about 2.5 months ago. I really really like him. We have seen each other about 7 times, him always making the plans. We have both traveled over the weekends to see each other, we sleep over each other’s places.
> 
> We have had sex twice. And now I am feeling very emotionally vulnerable and scared. I really like him. He tells me he really likes me, he acts like he really likes me. He is super sweet and romantic and thoughtful when we are together. When we are together, he acts like he is all about me. I can see that he is putting in effort to make me happy. When we aren’t together he texts me everyday, and sends pics of himself and what he’s doing all the time. Always tells me what he is doing.
> 
> Here is my problem. I think with OLD you go lots of dates and meet lots of people and narrow things down as you get more serious and blah blah. We’re not monogamous until a discussion is had.
> I asked him if he was talking to anyone else from my town (this was weeks ago). And he said no; that he wasn’t talking to anyone else, and he “usually takes these things one at a time, especially if there is potential”. These are his words. So now weeks later and we’re having sex and I am falling for him and I’m getting too vulnerable and I’m scared to get hurt.
> So... we matched on hinge. I saw his dating profile on another dating site but I didn’t match with him, instead I used it to kind of keep tabs on him. Yes I know that’s very red flagy of me, but there are so many players out there I don’t want to get hurt and played. So anyway... yesterday he updated his dating profile (the one we didn’t match on, the one he doesn’t know I know about). And I am totally fine about it ( well not that fine), but what really really really pisses me off is that he didn’t update his profile on hinge.
> 
> So now I feel like he is doing things behind my back, and I can’t trust him. I wouldn’t of cared so much if he also changed his hinge profile, but now he seems sketchy and I feel way too vulnerable.
> 
> What’s people’s opinions?
> So I am trying to pull back emotionally because I don’t want to get hurt. He is acting the same with me. We aren’t hanging out this weekend, but next weekend we are spending two nights camping and hiking. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him because I know emotionally I won’t be able to handle it.
> 
> I know this is a red flag. But we aren’t official yet. I clearly want to be official but I think it’s the guys job to make that happen. Is it too early on to expect so much?


After 2 1/2 months especially as there is sex involved I would absolutely expect him to have come off dating sites or communication with any one else. No need for a talk about exclusivity, that shouldn't be needed with a decent man. We both came off dating sites as soon as we began dating each other. 
If he is updating his profile he is still looking it seems.


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> Who knows, maybe he thinks I’m talking to other people too.


Have you told him you are not?


----------



## Girl_power

My point is, there isn’t enough information to write him off YET, in my opinion. 

And it’s ok if he doesn’t know if he wants to be exclusive yet. Everyone is different, some people like to rush a commitment, some people are slow to do it. Everyone’s been hurt and burned in the past and they deal with that differently. 

I get men love sex, but to do this 2hr thing for just sex is dumb. Plus with the other effort he is putting in, it doesn’t make sense it’s just about sex. 

But after this camping trip with no sex... we will see his behavior and that will be telling.


----------



## C.C. says ...

Girl_power said:


> And he’s told me that he is super sensitive. And he needs to feel secure in a relationship. I don’t know how to give him that without sacrificing my vulnerability.


If he’s super sensitive anyway, he’s vulnerable too. Maybe he’s liking you as much as you like him, but he’s scared like you are as to how into him you really are.

You’ve already had sex with him. I can’t see how taking the sex away at this point would make him feel _closer _to you?

Next time he comes over, **** his brains out and then tell him that you like him a lot but that you don’t really want either of you having sex with other people while you’re dating each other. See what he says. If he agrees, game on. If he says he wants to keep dating other people, tell him you like him too much to do that anymore. Maybe he’s on the same page? If he hems and haws, or flat out disagrees, wish him well and send him on his way.

I wrote that ^ and then saw where you said it’s too early to define the relationship. I mean, somebody better define something or he’s just going to figure you’re not into him and he’ll seek out others.

Well... then... keep seeing him and keep an eye out for what he does on the dating sites for now. You know sooner or later both or you will have to kill your accounts if you become exclusive. One of you is going to have to be the one who brings it up.

You sounded pretty happy with him at the beginning of this thread about how sweet he is and how he texts a lot and all that. It’s the distance thing that’s the problem, really. 2 hours away from each other isn’t going to become 15 minutes. The good news is that if you turn out not to be on the same page, he’s 2 hours away so you probably won’t ever have to run into him or see him again.

I just read your first post again. You’ve seen him several times, spent weekends at each other’s places. You said he really seems to like you. You can just tell when a guy really likes you. Does he? So now you said you’re pulling away from him because you’re scared and he’s pulling away too probably for the same reason.

Maybe he changed his pic on the other site because he thinks _you’re _flaking.

You're spending this weekend with him camping. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in the woods with someone that I’m suspicious of and he’s suspicious of me and no sex is supposed to take place.

Girl, no! Change your thinking here. Pretend you never saw the updated profile pic. Take the initiative on the trip. Be fun! Be sexy! Have sex! Don’t let these ‘what if’s’ kill the whole weekend. Because if they do, he’s not going to be able to get away from you fast enough. For real...

.02

Good luck with this.


----------



## Girl_power

Diana7 said:


> Have you told him you are not?


No I haven’t.


----------



## Diana7

Livvie said:


> I think the moral is the story is don't have sex until you know someone well, and both agree to be exclusive, if that is something you are going to want.


Absolutely Livvie. Even if I wasn't a Christian there would still be no sex until there was a strong relationship and no one else on the scene. In fact if a man was dating me while still seeking or talking to other women I wouldn't be interested in him anyway.


----------



## Diana7

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's one moral, and it is the best option I truly believe here.
> 
> But many of us believed in our pre marriage days it was normal to have s3x with the date you were on, if all parties were in tune so to speak. And as long as one was tactful and respectful to all you were dating at once, it was very normal to have sex with all, until and if one had the exclusive talk.
> 
> This limited a lot of the only if, and any regret factors, and kept one looking forward until the one came along.


Honestly having sex with several different people at once isn't common or normal to most people.


----------



## Girl_power

C.C. says ... said:


> If he’s super sensitive anyway, he’s vulnerable too. Maybe he’s liking you as much as you like him, but he’s scared like you are as to how into him you really are.
> 
> You’ve already had sex with him. I can’t see how taking the sex away at this point would make him feel _closer _to you?
> 
> Next time he comes over, **** his brains out and then tell him that you like him a lot but that you don’t really want either of you having sex with other people while you’re dating each other. See what he says. If he agrees, game on. If he says he wants to keep dating other people, tell him you like him too much to do that anymore. Maybe he’s on the same page? If he hems and haws, or flat out disagrees, wish him well and send him on his way.
> 
> I wrote that ^ and then saw where you said it’s too early to define the relationship. I mean, somebody better define something or he’s just going to figure you’re not into him and he’ll seek out others.
> 
> Well... then... keep seeing him and keep an eye out for what he does on the dating sites for now. You know sooner or later both or you will have to kill your accounts if you become exclusive. One of you is going to have to be the one who brings it up.
> 
> You sounded pretty happy with him at the beginning of this thread about how sweet he is and how he texts a lot and all that. It’s the distance thing that’s the problem, really. 2 hours away from each other isn’t going to become 15 minutes. The good news is that if you turn out not to be on the same page, he’s 2 hours away so you probably won’t ever have to run into him or see him again.
> 
> I just read your first post again. You’ve seen him several times, spent weekends at each other’s places. You said he really seems to like you. You can just tell when a guy really likes you. Does he? So now you said you’re pulling away from him because you’re scared and he’s pulling away too probably for the same reason.
> 
> Maybe he changed his pic on the other site because he thinks _you’re _flaking.
> 
> You're spending this weekend with him camping. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in the woods with someone that I’m suspicious of and he’s suspicious of me and no sex is supposed to take place.
> 
> Girl, no! Change your thinking here. Pretend you never saw the updated profile pic. Take the initiative on the trip. Be fun! Be sexy! Have sex! Don’t let these ‘what if’s’ kill the whole weekend. Because if they do, he’s not going to be able to get away from you fast enough. For real...
> 
> .02
> 
> Good luck with this.


Thanks I agree with everything you wrote. 

It’s next weekend not this weekend which sucks. I’m just going to have to keep my mind busy for a week. 

And I think that camping trip is definitely when a conversation has to take place. It’s time to poop or get off the pot.


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> No I haven’t.


You need to have a talk about this. Say that you are not talking to anyone else and that you have come off the dating site and ask him if he has too. If he says yes you will know he is lying.


----------



## Girl_power

Diana7 said:


> You need to have a talk about this. Say that you are not talking to anyone else and that you have come off the dating site and ask him if he has too. If he says yes you will know he is lying.


The problem is there isn’t clear communication about it and it seems neither one of us want to be vulnerable enough to have the conversation. 

I know I don’t want to be the one to start it. And I especially don’t want to do it over text. So next weekend i will bring it up if he doesn’t.


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> The problem is there isn’t clear communication about it and it seems neither one of us want to be vulnerable enough to have the conversation.
> 
> I know I don’t want to be the one to start it. And I especially don’t want to do it over text. So next weekend i will bring it up if he doesn’t.


Good, it's time. Personally I like to know where I am so would have asked already. Do you talk on facetime?


----------



## Girl_power

Diana7 said:


> Good, it's time. Personally I like to know where I am so would have asked already. Do you talk on facetime?


We only talked on FaceTime before we met in person.


----------



## Lila

Girl_power said:


> My point is, there isn’t enough information to write him off YET, in my opinion.
> 
> And it’s ok if he doesn’t know if he wants to be exclusive yet. Everyone is different, some people like to rush a commitment, some people are slow to do it. Everyone’s been hurt and burned in the past and they deal with that differently.
> 
> *I get men love sex, but to do this 2hr thing for just sex is dumb. Plus with the other effort he is putting in, it doesn’t make sense it’s just about sex. *
> 
> But after this camping trip with no sex... we will see his behavior and that will be telling.



@Girl_power, the reason he's willing to drive 2 hours is because he hasn't found anything better. You're his top "catch"..... Until he finds a better one. That's why he's still active online and he told you what he said. He's got you on the hook until either a) something better comes along or b) he realizes after a few months that you're the best he's going to get. This is online dating. 

You need to decide whether you want to invest more emotional energy into someone who thinks of you as a "maybe unless something better comes along"


----------



## SunCMars

minimalME said:


> Trying to get the word 'exclusive' out of this person (now or later) is not going to make your situation better.
> 
> It's completely meaningless.
> 
> That sooo many seemingly intelligent adults have latched onto such nonsense is astonishing. 😂


Really?

Is your trust in men, that paltry?


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> @Girl_power, the reason he's willing to drive 2 hours is because he hasn't found anything better. You're his top "catch"..... Until he finds a better one. That's why he's still active online and he told you what he said. He's got you on the hook until either a) something better comes along or b) he realizes after a few months that you're the best he's going to get. This is online dating.
> 
> You need to decide whether you want to invest more emotional energy into someone who thinks of you as a "maybe unless something better comes along"


This hurts....

My heart locker.

So calculating, we have become?


----------



## Lila

SunCMars said:


> This hurts....
> 
> My heart locker.
> 
> So calculating, we have become?


It's the price of online dating. The Paradox of choice and the fallacy of endless options are working against us.


----------



## Girl_power

Lila said:


> @Girl_power, the reason he's willing to drive 2 hours is because he hasn't found anything better. You're his top "catch"..... Until he finds a better one. That's why he's still active online and he told you what he said. He's got you on the hook until either a) something better comes along or b) he realizes after a few months that you're the best he's going to get. This is online dating.
> 
> You need to decide whether you want to invest more emotional energy into someone who thinks of you as a "maybe unless something better comes along"


What do you mean he told you what he said? 

I understand what you’re saying. This could be true but it’s not necessarily true. He could think the same thing about me still being on the dating apps. It’s all too gray right now.


----------



## ccpowerslave

For me it would be easy. Have sex and boom (could be the first day). If I want sex again with this lady then at that point I’m going to ask her to be exclusive. To me it would be disgusting if as soon as I left or before I got there she just did the deed with someone else. No thanks. I would have her expect the same in return from me.

I don’t think it’s weird or odd at all what GP has expressed.


----------



## Cletus

Well if this isn't the mother of all implicit contract threads, I don't know what is.

A couple isn't exclusive until they are. Lacking a conversation that says otherwise, any expectations on your relationship are one-sided and not binding. You cannot reasonably expect to hold others to your dating standards unless they have likewise agreed. Well, you can, but prepare for disappointment.


----------



## Lila

Girl_power said:


> What do you mean he told you what he said?
> 
> I understand what you’re saying. This could be true but it’s not necessarily true. He could think the same thing about me still being on the dating apps. It’s all too gray right now.


When he told you that he wasn't seeing other people. That may be true. He's not seeing anyone else because he hasn't found anyone better than you. But he's still looking. I think the evidence shows this is true. He updated his profile because he's still fishing.


----------



## TXTrini

Ugh, I remember only too well how it felt to fall fast, not a good feeling. I had sex very early on with my bf, BUT we actually confirmed we were dating exclusively at the end of our first date. I know how crazy sounds, but our date ended up lasting 9hrs and we were really smitten with each other. 

However, we didn't define what we were for a good 6 months and that really grinded my gears. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Like you, I thought it was a man's role to initiate the relationship topic, but... who's really going to suffer here if you don't speak up? I think if something bothers you, or you want something then the onus is on you to voice that.



Girl_power said:


> Oh and to respond to the rest...
> 
> Yes I made a mistake and had sex with him and became vulnerable. That doesn’t mean I can’t gain control of my vulnerability and emotions. I am not going to keep going down the rabbit hole.
> 
> The security I want is him wanting to be exclusive. I think that’s normal. It’s for him to get off the dating apps and stop looking for another women. I’m not trying to con him into anything. And I don’t think anyone will agree to being exclusive if they didn’t want to be exclusive. Yea people lie and cheat, but at that point it’s black and white and it’s an easy decision to end things.
> When things are gray that’s when things get muddled. That’s when things really aren’t “wrong”. It’s all about being on the same page and being happy with that page. I am not happy being on this page, and yes I know I put myself here.





Girl_power said:


> Who knows, maybe he thinks I’m talking to other people too.


Where I'm from we have a saying... You know what thought made a man do? **** his pants... Don't assume things, talk about it first. 


Girl_power said:


> Thanks I agree with everything you wrote.
> 
> It’s next weekend not this weekend which sucks. I’m just going to have to keep my mind busy for a week.
> 
> And I think that camping trip is definitely when a conversation has to take place. It’s time to poop or get off the pot.


I think you should go, and one starry night instead of getting busy, open up about your feelings. If he gets scared, well he's not for you. I'm not saying to use sex as a tool, and "punish" him. Tell him you can't sleep with someone without becoming emotionally attached and say it's starting , but you can't keep having sex and not feeling soemthing.

If he can't understand, then you're not on the same page. Yes it's scary to open yourself , but you've uhm opened up other ... stuff, so put on your big girl pants andnd seek your interest. You described him as a sensitive, shy man, maybe he feels too vulnerable to start this conversation. Both of you are asssuming things, time to **** or get off the pot indeed, except you do too.


----------



## Enigma32

Girl_power said:


> To me, adding new pics means your trying to attract new people and new potentials. That’s not what I am doing, clearly he is.


I agree with you here 100%. What you wanna do about it is up to you though.


----------



## jsmart

This guy you’re dating really could just be dating you and not current talking to any other women but by updating his profile on a different site, it kind of shows that he’s mentally still keeping his options open. Which I know has to hurt because by having sex with him, you basically game him your all and he’s still looking at the catalog, that is OLD, for more deals. 

Online dating kind of creates this feeling that there’s another better option on the horizon. It’s like looking at homes on Zillow. So many beautiful homes , you end up with analysis paralysis, so you don’t make a choice, you just keep on looking, even though you already saw a few homes that could’ve been your next dream home. It’s the same thing with looking at potential mates. You pass over so many people that could potentially be mr/mrs right but with so many choices, you start to look for any flaw to eliminate them. It can get addictive to know so many people find you interesting.


----------



## Girl_power

Ok I called him and we talked about it. 

He said his hinge is on sleep mode, and he doesn’t know why he updated his profile on bumble but he hasn’t been using it since we got more serious and he said he is going to delete it and he feels bad and he knows that this doesn’t instill trust in him and he isn’t looking for anyone else and he doesn’t want to. And he said that’s not the type of person he is and he feels really bad that he did that, and he said he was happy I told him about it because the reality is better than what I was thinking. And he said he is a monogamous person. And if I ever want to talk about it again to bring it up because the last thing he wants is for me not to trust him, and he understands how I don’t right now. 

Blah blah blah.


----------



## BigDigg

The older I get the more I realize the power and value of simply stating what you want. You like him and you see potential...have the talk and just state it that way. I'm far removed from the OLD game but if men can play and flake, women can too and he's in his right to continue to look.

Guys appreciate girls that don't play games. It works both ways.


----------



## BigDigg

Girl_power said:


> Ok I called him and we talked about it.
> 
> He said his hinge is on sleep mode, and he doesn’t know why he updated his profile on bumble but he hasn’t been using it since we got more serious and he said he is going to delete it and he feels bad and he knows that this doesn’t instill trust in him and he isn’t looking for anyone else and he doesn’t want to. And he said that’s not the type of person he is and he feels really bad that he did that, and he said he was happy I told him about it because the reality is better than what I was thinking. And he said he is a monogamous person. And if I ever want to talk about it again to bring it up because the last thing he wants is for me not to trust him, and he understands how I don’t right now.
> 
> Blah blah blah.


Have read your posts and you seem like a great person. But i think the whole tone of this is you accusing him of something that he had every right to do in the first place. And that kind of thing would make me think. But i obviously wasn't on the call and maybe read into it wrong 

Just be simple and clear in what you want. Let the chips fall where they may.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> I get men love sex, but to do this 2hr thing for just sex is dumb. Plus with the other effort he is putting in, it doesn’t make sense it’s just about sex.


Men have started WARS over sex. Don't underestimate its power on a man.


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> he doesn’t know why he updated his profile on bumble


Seriously? Think about it. That's the best he could come up with when caught out. Then he goes on to tell you exactly what you want to hear. This guy has been around the block more than a few times.


----------



## Girl_power

Our convo after the phone call.


----------



## jsmart

It’s tough for a woman who’s only been dating a guy for a short time to initiate the “where’s this going conversation.” After you’ve allowed a man to have you, unless the guy is head over heals for you, the power dynamic changes. 

After the first few dates with this guy, before you had sex, I’m sure you felt his desire for you and I’m also sure it made you feel powerfully sexy. But now that he’s had you a few times and you learn that he’s still out shopping, it really shakes your confidence.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you initiating the desire for sexual exclusivity. You’re not expecting a diamond ring or want to move in together but telling the guy, I really dig you and want to continue to having a great time with you but I can only do that if we’re sexually exclusive. He may be happy to know you want him exclusively and happy to stop the fake online dating thing. If not then you know where you stand .

Also if he agrees but is still out shopping, that’s worse but at least you’ll know that he’s to much of a weak lying man. For @Girl_power. 


with this guy, I bet that after a few dates , you felt most women know that when they’re with a guy that there’s chemistry, they can get a man to crawl over glass to get a taste of you but


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> Ok I called him and we talked about it.
> 
> He said his hinge is on sleep mode, and he doesn’t know why he updated his profile on bumble but he hasn’t been using it since we got more serious and he said he is going to delete it and he feels bad and he knows that this doesn’t instill trust in him and he isn’t looking for anyone else and he doesn’t want to. And he said that’s not the type of person he is and he feels really bad that he did that, and he said he was happy I told him about it because the reality is better than what I was thinking. And he said he is a monogamous person. And if I ever want to talk about it again to bring it up because the last thing he wants is for me not to trust him, and he understands how I don’t right now.
> 
> Blah blah blah.


Sounds positive, good that you spoke to him.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> Our convo after the phone call.


Hon, with all due respect, your end is confusing and contradictory. There's nothing wrong just saying how you feel, but not holding someone to your timeline. I would be confused as to what you wanted and expected ater that text conversation. 

No wonder the dude is confused and might keep his options open! Theres no need to be ashamed or afraid of what you want.


----------



## Lila

Girl_power said:


> Our convo after the phone call.


It's good that you spoke up and I'm glad he said he'd changed his profile before things had escalated with the two of you. The only thing I wish you had done was to be more honest with what you want from him and the relationship. Say what you mean, mean what you say.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> It's the price of online dating. The Paradox of choice and the fallacy of endless options are working against us.


If I were dating, _good enough_ would be my first choice.

Why?

On close examination.....

I too, readily meet that standard.

I hate to disappoint.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## Girl_power

TXTrini said:


> Hon, with all due respect, your end is confusing and contradictory. There's nothing wrong just saying how you feel, but not holding someone to your timeline. I would be confused as to what you wanted and expected ater that text conversation.
> 
> No wonder the dude is confused and might keep his options open! Theres no need to be ashamed or afraid of what you want.


There’s no confusion: he already deleted his dating app. 
I don’t care if he wants to see other women. I just want him to be honest about it. I don’t wanna pressure him into being exclusive with me, I just want him to be honest with me with what he is doing. I don’t like this behind the back ****.


----------



## Girl_power

Lila said:


> It's good that you spoke up and I'm glad he said he'd changed his profile before things had escalated with the two of you. The only thing I wish you had done was to be more honest with what you want from him and the relationship. Say what you mean, mean what you say.


I thought I was honest.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> It's good that you spoke up and I'm glad he said he'd changed his profile before things had escalated with the two of you. The only thing I wish you had done was to be more honest with what you want from him and the relationship. *Say what you mean, mean what you say.*


Ach!

Those damn *ISO *standards!

OTOH....

_Horton the Elephant_ is my confessor.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## Sfort

It seems to me that you're sending mixed signals. Just tell him what you want. You might be creating a problem where one doesn't exist.


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> It seems to me that you're sending mixed signals. Just tell him what you want. You might be creating a problem where one doesn't exist.


I did. I want honesty.


----------



## happyhusband0005

Girl_power said:


> Oh and to respond to the rest...
> 
> Yes I made a mistake and had sex with him and became vulnerable. That doesn’t mean I can’t gain control of my vulnerability and emotions. I am not going to keep going down the rabbit hole.
> 
> The security I want is him wanting to be exclusive. I think that’s normal. It’s for him to get off the dating apps and stop looking for another women. I’m not trying to con him into anything. And I don’t think anyone will agree to being exclusive if they didn’t want to be exclusive. Yea people lie and cheat, but at that point it’s black and white and it’s an easy decision to end things.
> When things are gray that’s when things get muddled. That’s when things really aren’t “wrong”. It’s all about being on the same page and being happy with that page. I am not happy being on this page, and yes I know I put myself here.


This is one of the things that infuriates most men about women. You want him to read your mind and know you want to be exclusive and you're having these thoughts and doubts and questioning the meaning of the relationship universe because he hasn't taken the lead in discussing it. For all you know he currently considers it exclusive, he could have updated his status on the other app for any number of reasons while still considering things exclusive with you even though it hasn't been discussed. You have know since before you even met this guy for the first time he was a bit timid in taking the lead in these matters. Stop keeping him on double secret probation and discuss the status of the relationship. 

Or dump him because he is not the guy who will take the lead in these matters and you want a guy who will. You're basing you actions off and expectation of him acting in a way you know he will not.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> It's good that you spoke up and I'm glad he said he'd changed his profile before things had escalated with the two of you. The only thing I wish you had done was to be more honest with what you want from him and the relationship. *Say what you mean, mean what you say.
> *




Ach!

Those damn *ISO *standards!

OTOH....

_Horton the Elephant_ is my confessor.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## Evinrude58

He can talk his way around the fact that he was still looking, but it is what it is. 
He wasn’t really doing anything wrong, but realize who and what you’re dealing with. Until you and he are really into one another and he has zero urge to look elsewhere, he’s still looking elsewhere.

I’m not saying dump him, but he’s saying one thing “I’m monogamous” and doing another (dating you and looking to date others.

OF COURSE he said he was into you and wanted it to be exclusive. What else could he say without you hightailing it.

Best to trust but verify. You should have kept your mouth shut and see how long he kept on looking. If he stopped on his own, you’d have something to think about.


----------



## Lila

Girl_power said:


> I thought I was honest.


It sounded very wishy washy but maybe it's a personality or communication difference. You didn't explain your boundaries very well.

I have learned to be very direct with the men I date sooner rather than later. It hurts less to walk away/have them walk away when I have not invested emotionally than after I'm emotionally invested. The last guy I was dating was drinking too much for my comfort and I told him so. He said "I am who I am, stop trying to change me". I thanked him for his honesty and walked. He got pissed but I haven't looked back. 

State your boundaries clearly so there can be no question later.


----------



## Girl_power

happyhusband0005 said:


> This is one of the things that infuriates most men about women. You want him to read your mind and know you want to be exclusive and you're having these thoughts and doubts and questioning the meaning of the relationship universe because he hasn't taken the lead in discussing it. For all you know he currently considers it exclusive, he could have updated his status on the other app for any number of reasons while still considering things exclusive with you even though it hasn't been discussed. You have know since before you even met this guy for the first time he was a bit timid in taking the lead in these matters. Stop keeping him on double secret probation and discuss the status of the relationship.
> 
> Or dump him because he is not the guy who will take the lead in these matters and you want a guy who will. You're basing you actions off and expectation of him acting in a way you know he will not.


No I’m not. I didn’t care about the exclusivity thing. I cared about him changing his dating profile that he doesn’t know I have access to and not changing the one I do have access to. That’s it. I think it’s a huge character flaw when people hide things from you. Trust and honestly are my number one things. I am an incredibly forgiving person, but not when it comes to dishonesty and things of that nature. 

If he would have changed his hinge profile and his bumble profile I wouldn’t be so mad. But because he changed the one I “can’t see” that’s super sketchy and that’s why I was mad. It has nothing to do with exclusivity or not.


----------



## Girl_power

Lila said:


> It sounded very wishy washy but maybe it's a personality or communication difference. You didn't explain your boundaries very well.
> 
> I have learned to be very direct with the men I date sooner rather than later. It hurts less to walk away/have them walk away when I have not invested emotionally than after I'm emotionally invested. The last guy I was dating was drinking too much for my comfort and I told him so. He said "I am who I am, stop trying to change me". I thanked him for his honesty and walked. He got pissed but I haven't looked back.
> 
> State your boundaries clearly so there can be no question later.


My boundaries are honesty right now.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> There’s no confusion: he already deleted his dating app.
> I don’t care if he wants to see other women. I just want him to be honest about it. I don’t wanna pressure him into being exclusive with me, I just want him to be honest with me with what he is doing. I don’t like this behind the back ****.


I totally get the honest thing, but quite frankly, I not cool with a man dipping his wick in multiple pots. Are you really ok with him not being exclusive as long as he's honest? This comes across as really disngenious and smells like a cover. Anyway, it's your relationship and your life, only you know what you want. Good luck. 


Lila said:


> It sounded very wishy washy but maybe it's a personality or communication difference. You didn't explain your boundaries very well.
> 
> I have learned to be very direct with the men I date sooner rather than later. It hurts less to walk away/have them walk away when I have not invested emotionally than after I'm emotionally invested. The last guy I was dating was drinking too much for my comfort and I told him so. He said "I am who I am, stop trying to change me". I thanked him for his honesty and walked. He got pissed but I haven't looked back.
> 
> State your boundaries clearly so there can be no question later.


It came across that way to me also, but then again I also value clear communication with no room for misunderstanding. It could very well be a personality difference. Just make sure both of you are understanding the same message Girl_power.


----------



## Girl_power

TXTrini said:


> I totally get the honest thing, but quite frankly, I not cool with a man dipping his wick in multiple pots. Are you really ok with him not being exclusive as long as he's honest? This comes across as really disngenious and smells like a cover. Anyway, it's your relationship and your life, only you know what you want. Good luck.
> 
> It came across that way to me also, but then again I also value clear communication with no room for misunderstanding. It could very well be a personality difference. Just make sure both of you are understanding the same message Girl_power.


I’m just super messed up from my ex husband. He would always have the perfect words and he would always say the right thing, then he acted differently. He lied all the time about little things, and he hid things all the time, from me and his family. It got to the point where I just was so crazy and couldn’t believe anything he said. I wanted to so bad though because he was my husband. I wanted him to tell me the truth no matter how harsh it was because at least I knew the truth. 
People think that being mean is saying harsh things and being blunt. But being mean is what my exH did. Acted like a perfect angel and who knows what he did behind my back. 

I need to be with someone who says something and I know it’s true, because they are always truthful. Not this I don’t want to hurt your feelings, white lie crap. If you don’t have your word you have nothing .


----------



## happyhusband0005

Girl_power said:


> No I’m not. I didn’t care about the exclusivity thing. I cared about him changing his dating profile that he doesn’t know I have access to and not changing the one I do have access to. That’s it. I think it’s a huge character flaw when people hide things from you. Trust and honestly are my number one things. I am an incredibly forgiving person, but not when it comes to dishonesty and things of that nature.
> 
> If he would have changed his hinge profile and his bumble profile I wouldn’t be so mad. But because he changed the one I “can’t see” that’s super sketchy and that’s why I was mad. It has nothing to do with exclusivity or not.


So whats the plan here then? Keeping hanging around with him thinking he's sketchy and never discuss it until either he proves your concerns valid or proves them invalid at which point your doubting of him will be solidified and kill any chance of a healthy relationship. 

If I were dating a girl and found out she had been hiding being pissed about something without talking to me about it, I would end things right then and there even if I had a great explanation for why I did whatever pissed her off. I'd probably give her the explanation first but then I would be screeching tires and smoke.


----------



## Cletus

happyhusband0005 said:


> If I were dating a girl and found out she had been hiding being pissed about something without talking to me about it...


So, living in a monastery, are we?


----------



## ccpowerslave

Hmm...

So his answer was he didn’t know why he did it. Unless he is a compulsive profile updater to the point where he is powerless to the addiction of changing his profile and needs a 12 step program it seems like that is probably already a lie.

I get what you’re saying that you’re looking for honesty. In that case I think you can probably already cross that one off.

I can also believe that he is monogamous oriented in that during the time he is seeing someone he is seeing that person only; although his definition might include searching for a new person to be monogamous with at the same time. That wouldn’t work for me, but it sounds like it isn’t a hard no for you.


----------



## happyhusband0005

Cletus said:


> So, living in a monastery, are we?


I see what you did there?


----------



## Girl_power

happyhusband0005 said:


> So whats the plan here then? Keeping hanging around with him thinking he's sketchy and never discuss it until either he proves your concerns valid or proves them invalid at which point your doubting of him will be solidified and kill any chance of a healthy relationship.
> 
> If I were dating a girl and found out she had been hiding being pissed about something without talking to me about it, I would end things right then and there even if I had a great explanation for why I did whatever pissed her off. I'd probably give her the explanation first but then I would be screeching tires and smoke.


From here... we’re going to see how it goes. I stop talking to people, he deleted or paused his dating apps. 

After talking about it with him I feel better. I am going to believe that he made an honest mistake. Of course I’m going to be cautious because I’m always cautious. 

He said to me... i’m sorry for my poor judgment and giving you a reason to doubt me. I thought that was really nice, and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

As everyone on here knows I always speak my mind. Hopefully this will bring us to a more honest and vulnerable place. I’m sure we will discuss it again when we go camping. 

I was upset when I spoke with him, and I come across as really harsh when I’m upset. But I’m a sensitive emotional baby and I’m sure when we are together next we will have a nice tender heart to heart, and hopefully have some great sex and we can put it behind us and have fun. 

I’m not trying to rush anything.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm...
> 
> So his answer was he didn’t know why he did it. Unless he is a compulsive profile updater to the point where he is powerless to the addiction of changing his profile and needs a 12 step program it seems like that is probably already a lie.
> 
> I get what you’re saying that you’re looking for honesty. In that case I think you can probably already cross that one off.
> 
> I can also believe that he is monogamous oriented in that during the time he is seeing someone he is seeing that person only; although his definition might include searching for a new person to be monogamous with at the same time. That wouldn’t work for me, but it sounds like it isn’t a hard no for you.


He’s only had three serious relationships in his life. Last one was ended in 2019. 
If anything I am the serial monogamist as I just ended a 2 year relationship 2 weeks before talking to him.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> Our convo after the phone call.


This is your answer right here. This is too much for text. He should have called you our you should have called him. 

I don’t have the brain power left at this moment to expound but this one is dead in the water.

Also...he’s also too far away. You know this. 

Your spidey senses are tingling. Listen to them & stop wasting your time or brain power. Let it go. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm...
> 
> So his answer was he didn’t know why he did it. Unless he is a compulsive profile updater to the point where he is powerless to the addiction of changing his profile and needs a 12 step program it seems like that is probably already a lie.
> 
> I get what you’re saying that you’re looking for honesty. In that case I think you can probably already cross that one off.
> 
> I can also believe that he is monogamous oriented in that during the time he is seeing someone he is seeing that person only; although his definition might include searching for a new person to be monogamous with at the same time. That wouldn’t work for me, but it sounds like it isn’t a hard no for you.


It’s funny how this works because there are people on this forum that think he did nothing wrong, and someone actually said that my behavior was wrong. And other people think I should end it right now because he is as guilty as an adulterer and he should never be trusted. 

I’m going to proceed with caution and give him the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## Girl_power

Elizabeth001 said:


> This is your answer right here. This is too much for text. He should have called you our you should have called him.
> 
> I don’t have the brain power left at this moment to expound but this one is dead in the water.
> 
> Also...he’s also too far away. You know this.
> 
> Your spidey senses are tingling. Listen to them & stop wasting your time or brain power. Let it go.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


We spoke on the phone for a long time about everything. After we hung up the phone that’s what he texted me. 

I’m confused why it’s dead in the water?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> This is your answer right here. This is too much for text. He should have called you our you should have called him.
> 
> I don’t have the brain power left at this moment to expound but this one is dead in the water.
> 
> Also...he’s also too far away. You know this.
> 
> Your spidey senses are tingling. Listen to them & stop wasting your time or brain power. Let it go.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Also...if he’s that shy, quiet, reserved, etc. THAT shat ain’t sexy. Do you really want to be the man in this relationship? I’ve read many a post from you sister, and you don’t come across to me like you would be turned on by the passive sort. 

Once again I say...you know this already 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> We spoke on the phone for a long time about everything. After we hung up the phone that’s what he texted me.
> 
> I’m confused why it’s dead in the water?


See previous post


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> It’s funny how this works because there are people on this forum that think he did nothing wrong, and someone actually said that my behavior was wrong. And other people think I should end it right now because he is as guilty as an adulterer and he should never be trusted.
> 
> I’m going to proceed with caution and give him the benefit of the doubt.


Not a bad idea.

I was mostly reacting to what you were saying about not having to wonder about your SO lying to you and if that’s a hard boundary then I’d say in this case he probably technically crossed it. On the other hand if he doesn’t know that his reaction is just what I’d expect:

“Oh how weird, I don’t know why I did that.” <deletes profile(s)>

So now he knows, no harm no foul.

Yes the advice is all over the map haha.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> We spoke on the phone for a long time about everything. After we hung up the phone that’s what he texted me.
> 
> I’m confused why it’s dead in the water?


Also, if you spoke so long on the phone, there must have been things left up in the air for him to text you so much afterwards.

If you can’t communicate the situation, it isn’t going to work. 

Seems to me you are digging for reasons to justify why you slept with him.

It’s ok to say you made a mistake. Who hasn’t?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

If he was THAT into you, he would NOT have bothered to update his profile. PERIOD.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> If he was THAT into you, he would NOT have bothered to update his profile. PERIOD.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


And he ONLY updated the one he thought you didn’t have access to. Come on!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave

Elizabeth001 said:


> And he ONLY updated the one he thought you didn’t have access to. Come on!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Maybe now that he has had the smack down he is straightened out.


----------



## Girl_power

Elizabeth001 said:


> If he was THAT into you, he would NOT have bothered to update his profile. PERIOD.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


If he wasn’t into me he would of ended it after that tough convo... Not apologize 100 times and delete his apps. 

The reason why he kept texting me is because he wanted to again apologize because he feels bad. And even after the phone call he knows I’m upset. 

He made a stupid mistake and he got caught. Many people on here would disagree that he did anything wrong, because we never had A conversation about exclusivity, and I am on dating apps too just like he is. He didn’t know that I wasn’t talking to anyone either. So he did something stupid and I called him out on it and I came down hard on him. I think he knows now he won’t be able to get away with anything, at least if we ever become official.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> Maybe now that he has had the smack down he is straightened out.


Hell yea. If someone gave me the smack down and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to be with them I would of peaced the F out. Especially if the person was two hours away!!! No way! I would of been gone.


----------



## Blondilocks

OK, let's parse this. When was the last time you checked his bumble profile? When did you two start having sex?


----------



## Girl_power

Blondilocks said:


> OK, let's parse this. When was the last time you checked his bumble profile? When did you two start having sex?


We have only had sex twice. The second time was 3 days ago. 

I am 100% sure he changed his profile after we had sex for the first time. I am 60% sure he changed it after we had sex for the second time. 

I looked at it yesterday and noticed it was changed. I’m not sure if I checked it before or after The second time we had sex.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I still vote NO.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> Hell yea. If someone gave me the smack down and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to be with them I would of peaced the F out. Especially if the person was two hours away!!! No way! I would of been gone.


I think he got told as they say on the corner of the boulevard (I think) either that or f-around and find out, he found out!


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> We have only had sex twice. The second time was 3 days ago.
> 
> I am 100% sure he changed his profile after we had sex for the first time. I am 60% sure he changed it after we had sex for the second time.
> 
> I looked at it yesterday and noticed it was changed. I’m not sure if I checked it before or after The second time we had sex.


Keeping the timeline in mind, go back and read his excuses. He had sex with you and then changed his profile while claiming he is monogamous. Unless, he considers only the 2nd time you had sex as escalating. Either way, it doesn't look good for him when he boinks you and then: (1) goes to the site (2) uploads a new pic (3) makes a comment and then claims he doesn't know why he did it. Maybe his dog did it.

Obviously, you prefer to think he's stupid rather than a liar.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> The problem is there isn’t clear communication about it and it seems neither one of us want to be vulnerable enough to have the conversation.
> 
> DING DING!
> 
> I know I don’t want to be the one to start it. And I especially don’t want to do it over text.
> 
> HELLO!!!
> 
> 
> So next weekend i will bring it up if he doesn’t.
> 
> So you DO want to take the lead?



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Girl_power

Blondilocks said:


> Keeping the timeline in mind, go back and read his excuses. He had sex with you and then changed his profile while claiming he is monogamous. Unless, he considers only the 2nd time you had sex as escalating. Either way, it doesn't look good for him when he boinks you and then: (1) goes to the site (2) uploads a new pic (3) makes a comment and then claims he doesn't know why he did it. Maybe his dog did it.
> 
> Obviously, you prefer to think he's stupid rather than a liar.


He was clearly keeping his options open. I don’t blame him for that at all. 

Let’s be real... that’s why he is on the dating app. I don’t think he was ever talking to anyone, just keeping his options open. Which clearly hurts my feelings, but isn’t a crime. I too have not paused my dating apps, and one could argue that my options are open. 

Technically he is monogamous. He was just “open”. 

I get what your saying. And it 100% hurts my feelings and I think It’s ****ty. But I also agree with people on here that if we haven’t defined the relationship it’s open for whatever. 

Yes he is lying when he says he doesn’t know why he did that. But he probably thinks that’s better then saying I want to see what else is out there. Or whatever. 

I get what your saying. It is red flaggy. But that’s also coming from someone who stalked his other dating app which is also red flaggy. I would want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt. I just think it’s not enough to pull the plug right now. I’m sure I might regret this later, hopefully not.


----------



## Girl_power

Elizabeth001 said:


> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I find it strange how strongly you want me to end this.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> I find it strange how strongly you want me to end this.


You should. And NO...I’m not dating him 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

Look... when the right fella comes along, you’ll know it. This ain’t it. Relationships take work but not this much right out of the gate.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Girl_power

Elizabeth001 said:


> You should. And NO...I’m not dating him
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I’m holding out for the next mistake then I’ll end it! I’ll message you first!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> I’m holding out for the next mistake then I’ll end it! I’ll message you first!


I’ll be here girl...rooting for you 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Benbutton

Girl_power said:


> If he wasn’t into me he would of ended it after that tough convo... Not apologize 100 times and delete his apps.
> 
> The reason why he kept texting me is because he wanted to again apologize because he feels bad. And even after the phone call he knows I’m upset.
> 
> He made a stupid mistake and he got caught. Many people on here would disagree that he did anything wrong, because we never had A conversation about exclusivity, and I am on dating apps too just like he is. He didn’t know that I wasn’t talking to anyone either. So he did something stupid and I called him out on it and I came down hard on him. I think he knows now he won’t be able to get away with anything, at least if we ever become official.


This budding relationship is being built on a cracked foundation at best. You were checking on his dishonesty, when frankly he didn't need to explain why he did what he did. You then found what you were looking for and gave him a pass when he gave you a dishonest answer. 

I don't see a strong, confident woman here, I see someone who struggles with the emotional abuse you suffered in your marriage. I know what it's like to suffer like that and it's very difficult for people when you bring that into a relationship with you. Be strong, firm and direct and find someone who understands where you came from and who you are. He's already lied when all he needed to say was "I'm not quite ready yet"...actions girl, actions, they speak louder than words.


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## lifeistooshort

Maybe its the cynic in me, but I'm not a huge fan of conversations where certain things are concerned. It's good to share expectations, relevant information, views of the world...etc, but for certain things you have to watch behavior.

Telling a guy (or gal) you want honesty is great, but a person who is inherently honest doesn't need to be told this. One who isn't will use it as an opportunity to ******** and tell you what you want to hear.

We as women know when a guy is into us. I personally would not be interested in a guy who's still shopping because like another poster said I want someone who's going to put everything into getting to know me. If it doesn't work out that's fine, but if you're hedging look elsewhere.

Watch behavior....it will tell you what you need to know.


----------



## happyhusband0005

Girl_power said:


> From here... we’re going to see how it goes. I stop talking to people, he deleted or paused his dating apps.
> 
> After talking about it with him I feel better. I am going to believe that he made an honest mistake. Of course I’m going to be cautious because I’m always cautious.
> 
> He said to me... i’m sorry for my poor judgment and giving you a reason to doubt me. I thought that was really nice, and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> As everyone on here knows I always speak my mind. Hopefully this will bring us to a more honest and vulnerable place. I’m sure we will discuss it again when we go camping.
> 
> I was upset when I spoke with him, and I come across as really harsh when I’m upset. But I’m a sensitive emotional baby and I’m sure when we are together next we will have a nice tender heart to heart, and hopefully have some great sex and we can put it behind us and have fun.
> 
> I’m not trying to rush anything.


Thats good! Just being direct about these things is always the best approach. No wasting time not guessing and wondering just get straight to the point. Now you both know where the other stands and will come at everything from there. Good stuff.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> I’m just super messed up from my ex husband. He would always have the perfect words and he would always say the right thing, then he acted differently. He lied all the time about little things, and he hid things all the time, from me and his family. It got to the point where I just was so crazy and couldn’t believe anything he said. I wanted to so bad though because he was my husband. I wanted him to tell me the truth no matter how harsh it was because at least I knew the truth.
> People think that being mean is saying harsh things and being blunt. But being mean is what my exH did. Acted like a perfect angel and who knows what he did behind my back.
> 
> I need to be with someone who says something and I know it’s true, because they are always truthful. Not this I don’t want to hurt your feelings, white lie crap. If you don’t have your word you have nothing .


I totally understand, I am recently divorced and sideeyed my bf's reticence about labels when we were a new thing. Honestly, his "I don't know" answer would have made me dump him on the spot. This is a 30-something y/o, right? I don't know, my ass.

You were vulnerable to bring this topic up, acknowledging your emotions, sensitivity and fear. It was a good time,e for him to humble himself too.


----------



## frusdil

Cletus said:


> But exclusivity is the first step towards relationship permanence


I disagree. I’ve always seen exclusivity as simply an agreement to not date anyone else, to see where the relationship goes next. It’s nit a guarantee of permanence.

Dating more than one person isn’t common over here though, if someone is, they’re usually cheating.



Blondilocks said:


> I think you know all you need to know - he is updating his profile on a site that he thinks you're unaware of. Next.


^^This


----------



## frusdil

lifeistooshort said:


> We as women know when a guy is into us. I personally would not be interested in a guy who's still shopping because like another poster said I want someone who's going to put everything into getting to know me. If it doesn't work out that's fine, but if you're hedging look elsewhere.
> 
> Watch behavior....it will tell you what you need to know.


100% agree.

For me, a guy who is keeping his options open isn't for me. Not to date, and certainly not to sleep with. No way am I giving myself to a man in that way, who isn't giving himself only to me. I deserve better than that.


----------



## SunCMars

SunCMars said:


> When you want someone, distance is but a delay.
> 
> The heart wants what it wants.


A distant heart that cannot be reached, is that panic attack.

Every locking heart necklace has its key.

A matching key does exist, some, long ago, made in the stars.


----------



## SunCMars

Being two-timed is three times more hurtful.


----------



## SunCMars

Those in it for the sex have no issue with multi-dating.

Until later, when they find themselves checked off, and shut out by another.


----------



## SunCMars

Being that close second in a love triangle might as well be out in the cold.

Love blankets are made for two sets of toes. Any more become cold woes.


----------



## SunCMars

Girl_power said:


> Of course he is going to expect sex. For all he knows I have my period. Sex isn’t a given. A man or women can turn down sex anytime for any reason.
> 
> I’m not going to give him a heads up. I don’t want to force a conversation on text, and I don’t want to pressure him to be upset exclusive. And I don’t want to see sex and exclusivity in the same sentence because that seems like I’m using sex to get what I want.
> 
> The truth is, I made a mistake having sex too early, or before we were exclusive. I don’t want him to feel manipulated like I’m using sex to get what I want and I’m sensitive that my situation comes off that way.


You are damned if you do and dumped if you don't.


----------



## ccpowerslave

SunCMars said:


> Being that close second in a love triangle might as well be out in the cold.
> 
> Love blankets are made for two sets of toes. Any more become cold woes.


All he needed to do to elicit a smile, was simply delete his dating profile.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> He was clearly keeping his options open. I don’t blame him for that at all.


But he lied to you about the reason why he updated his profile. He doesn't know? It's pretty lame. He is a man, he is still looking and he is keeping you sweet so he can still get in your pants. I would run.


----------



## NTA

> You're spending this weekend with him camping. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in the woods with someone that I’m suspicious of and he’s suspicious of me and no sex is supposed to take place.


I decided that it's not a good idea to take a trip with a guy I'm dating unless I am ready to have sex with him. But you've already had sex with him. If you don't want to continue unless he agrees to exclusivity, may be you should call the trip off.


----------



## SunCMars

The difference between true love and mere lust eventually outs itself. 

Luckily?

This man was careless, he left his peckertracks on the internet.


----------



## Girl_power

NTA said:


> I decided that it's not a good idea to take a trip with a guy I'm dating unless I am ready to have sex with him. But you've already had sex with him. If you don't want to continue unless he agrees to exclusivity, may be you should call the trip off.


There is no way I’m having sex with him during this trip. He has a lot to prove. And I’m not 100% sure I want to continue with this relationship. I’m keeping an open mind.


----------



## Girl_power

What I like is that he wants to keep talking about it to make me feel comfortable. He’s not trying to avoid confrontation, sweep it under the rug, Or expect a I’m sorry to be enough. 

We’re all gonna make mistakes in a relationship but it’s how we handle it that matters, so this is a critical part, 

He’s going to call me again today to talk about it again. Because he knows I’m still weird about it. 

I honestly don’t think a man would go through these hoops if he didn’t care about me. Especially someone two hours way. Yes it’s easy to delete a dating app. 

I honestly don’t know how I feel about it right now. I don’t trust him right now. But I’m giving him the opportunity to make it right. And it will only be right when I feel I can trust what he has. 

I think a lot of people just trust people. And they don’t realize that they are up to shady things behind their back, they just don’t look. I would’ve never known unless I stalked him on a secret dating app. It’s so early on, and we aren’t exclusive. If I didn’t stalk him who knows what would’ve happened... he could of cheated on me, or when he defined the relationship he could have deleted the app. We will never know. I regret bringing it up to him so early. Because I picked a very gray time to “catch” him.


----------



## Cooper

Girl_power said:


> There is no way I’m having sex with him during this trip. He has a lot to prove. And I’m not 100% sure I want to continue with this relationship. I’m keeping an open mind.


Wouldn't that be a **** test? You're already having sex with the guy, so now you go away with him and with hold sex? Because he needs to prove what exactly? That he'll let you keep moving the line? Are you trying to build a relationship or train a boyfriend? 

Things need to developed organically, I think when you are forcing certain dynamics it leads to disappointment. I know you are trying to establish basic rules of conduct, but if he is modifying his behavior just to appease you how long do you think that will last? You're not going to see the real him, you're going to see the version he thinks you want.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> I honestly don’t think a man would go through these hoops if he didn’t care about me.


He cares about sleeping with you. I'm a man, I know how our brain (and ****) works. If he really thought you were that great, he would not have updated his profile. His excuse is terrible and it doesn't make sense. Like you caught him with his hands in the cookie jar. As simple as that. Not a great way to start a relationship. Sorry, but it seems you picked a dud.


----------



## ccpowerslave

There would be no way in hell I would go on an overnight with a prospective girlfriend, no sex, and then continue seeing her after that. I might have when I was 21 or 22 but now no way.

Edit: Especially after already hooking up. Even young inexperienced me I think would be very confused by that.

So I’m quite curious to see how this plays out.


----------



## Girl_power

Cooper said:


> Wouldn't that be a **** test? You're already having sex with the guy, so now you go away with him and with hold sex? Because he needs to prove what exactly? That he'll let you keep moving the line? Are you trying to build a relationship or train a boyfriend?
> 
> Things need to developed organically, I think when you are forcing certain dynamics it leads to disappointment. I know you are trying to establish basic rules of conduct, but if he is modifying his behavior just to appease you how long do you think that will last? You're not going to see the real him, you're going to see the version he thinks you want.


I understand what you’re saying and I appreciate it. 

I know what i am trying to see in him but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to manipulate his behavior. I want him to freely choose and act how he wants to act... so then I can learn the real him. I clearly jumped the gun on bringing up the dating app to him and I lost that opportunity. 

I think what I am going to do depends on our conversation today. I am going to try to get him to tell me the truth about why he did what he did. And if he does, then I would be really happy and then I would feel comfortable having sex and being vulnerable with him. But if he continues on the I don’t know why I did it... I just don’t know if I can continue with this relationship. 

My problem is he is so nice and so polite that I feel like he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. And I can’t be in a relationship like that again, always wondering what the other person really thinks. 

Thank you for responding and giving me something to think about. I don’t know how to navigate these things, and I am usually so brutally honest with my partners that I essentially give them a recipe book on how to manipulate me. 
It’s like a paradox with me, I want the guy to freely choose and I don’t want to control anyone. But I am a very controlled person with myself, and I accidentally become controlling without realizing it. I would of never thought not having sex with him would be controlling. All I thought about was I don’t feel secure and safe because of his actions so I don’t feel comfortable having sex. It’s giving me a lot of think about.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> There would be no way in hell I would go on an overnight with a prospective girlfriend, no sex, and then continue seeing her after that. I might have when I was 21 or 22 but now no way.
> 
> Edit: Especially after already hooking up. Even young inexperienced me I think would be very confused by that.
> 
> So I’m quite curious to see how this plays out.


What are you saying? That if you were him you would cancel the trip? Or that if you didn’t get sex you would be mad or stop talking to me? 

I would like to think that if he really cared about me, he would understand my not wanting to have sex and be ok with that. If he didn’t care about me, then he wouldn’t be understanding. Do you agree?


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> What are you saying? That if you were him you would cancel the trip? Or that if you didn’t get sex you would be mad or stop talking to me?
> 
> I would like to think that if he really cared about me, he would understand my not wanting to have sex and be ok with that. If he didn’t care about me, then he wouldn’t be understanding. Do you agree?


I would go on the trip and also expect to hook it up. 

If during the trip you’re like nah that ain’t happening bro then I’d be very confused and ultimately wonder where it was leading.

Turning off sex I would see as a punishment and I would be wondering if I hadn’t done enough to get out of the dog house what is it going to take? Not knowing the way out of the dog house is very frustrating.


----------



## Girl_power

I just don’t understand people pleasers. Or people who are so worried about hurting your feelings, and often times tell you what you want to hear. Or people who are overly polite. I don’t get this behavior. Ahhh!! 
I know it’s all about manipulation but I don’t even know if they know they are being manipulative. I don’t understand what went wrong with these people or what the real issue is with them.


----------



## In Absentia

ccpowerslave said:


> If during the trip you’re like nah that ain’t happening bro then I’d be very confused and ultimately wonder where it was leading.


You'be confused? After you behaved like an idiot? I think you would know why... and since the man cannot be trusted anymore, I wonder why bother with the whole thing...


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> I would go on the trip and also expect to hook it up.
> 
> If during the trip you’re like nah that ain’t happening bro then I’d be very confused and ultimately wonder where it was leading.
> 
> Turning off sex I would see as a punishment and I would be wondering if I hadn’t done enough to get out of the dog house what is it going to take? Not knowing the way out of the dog house is very frustrating.


I understand that. 
But I also think that me not having sex is setting a boundary and expectation and protecting myself. You can’t treat me poorly and expect sex right? 

I mean the more I think about it I get it it is manipulative of me. But isn’t that kind of good? I mean we all want to be treated a certain way, and through dating we set the expectation right? Let’s be honest no one responds to words and conversation. It’s actions.


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> You'be confused? After you behaved like an idiot? I think you would know why... and since the man cannot be trusted anymore, I wonder why bother with the whole thing...


I agree, I think it’s insane to expect sex.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> I just don’t understand people pleasers. Or people who are so worried about hurting your feelings, and often times tell you what you want to hear. Or people who are overly polite. I don’t get this behavior. Ahhh!!
> I know it’s all about manipulation but I don’t even know if they know they are being manipulative. I don’t understand what went wrong with these people or what the real issue is with them.


I don’t get it either. To me they are like actors. I don’t act I just do what I want.

It’s nice to be polite to people but my dad always said, “Politeness with strength.” There is a difference between being polite and being a disingenuous actor who is pretending to be something. It’s right to be courteous up until the point where it isn’t and at that point you need to be a **** kicker.


----------



## Livvie

Girl_power said:


> What are you saying? That if you were him you would cancel the trip? Or that if you didn’t get sex you would be mad or stop talking to me?
> 
> I would like to think that if he really cared about me, he would understand my not wanting to have sex and be ok with that. If he didn’t care about me, then he wouldn’t be understanding. Do you agree?


I think this is a lot of drama for a brand new relationship.

It's already to the point there's an issue such that you are now withdrawing sex.

He knows why he updated that dating profile. He did it because he thought he might want to use it in the future. Instead, he told you "I don't know". 

That would be enough for me to terminate this and move on.

"I don't know" is the kind of answer a kindergartner gives you when you ask why they did something questionable.


----------



## In Absentia

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t get it either.


I get it, because I'm a people pleaser, but I also get the hints... I would go on the camping trip without expecting sex and I would come clean. It's the only way to fix this.


----------



## ccpowerslave

In Absentia said:


> I get it, because I'm a people pleaser, but I also get the hints... I would go on the camping trip without expecting sex and I would come clean. It's the only way to fix this.


Wow...

Haha GP you have absolutely every kind of possible outcome represented in this thread now:

He lied, dump him
Go on trip and if he seems redeemed due to your earlier beat down, hook it up
Go on trip and he needs to realize that he needs to come clean and say he was still looking at other people and confess this, don’t have sex
Same as above but maybe have sex?
Confess before trip otherwise cancel it
Go on trip and whether or not he seems redeemed withhold sex anyway because...?


----------



## In Absentia

ccpowerslave said:


> Wow...
> 
> Haha GP you have absolutely every kind of possible outcome represented in this thread now:
> 
> He lied, dump him
> Go on trip and if he seems redeemed due to your earlier beat down, hook it up
> Go on trip and he needs to realize that he needs to come clean and say he was still looking at other people and confess this, don’t have sex
> Same as above but maybe have sex?
> Confess before trip otherwise cancel it
> Go on trip and whether or not he seems redeemed withhold sex anyway because...?


I would go on the camping trip without expecting sex and I would come clean:* this is what I would do in his shoes*... in the OP's shoes, I would dump the liar...


----------



## Livvie

Girl_power said:


> I understand that.
> But I also think that me not having sex is setting a boundary and expectation and protecting myself. You can’t treat me poorly and expect sex right?
> 
> I mean the more I think about it I get it it is manipulative of me. But isn’t that kind of good? I mean we all want to be treated a certain way, and through dating we set the expectation right? Let’s be honest no one responds to words and conversation. It’s actions.


If 2.5 months in you are withdrawing sex to teach him he can't treat you badly and expect sex, why not just end it? Does he even know how he "treated you badly"? What does he have to do to prove he has learned your lesson?


----------



## Blondilocks

I'm sorry, GP, whatever your motives etc. you are coming across as manipulative with the sex. You admit you jumped the gun on the sex and instigated it before you knew he was still keeping his options open. Now, that you know, you're trying to get your bearings and may close down the bakery depending on how truthful you feel his cover story is. That is your prerogative.

However much you claim to value honesty, you don't seem to want to recognize dishonesty. And, all that mental gymnastics regarding exclusivity not being the problem is you attempting to brainwash yourself.

Stop beating yourself up for 'stalking' his dating sites. It isn't stalking. It's good sense.


----------



## Girl_power

I agree that he really needs to confess. I just don’t know how hard I should push him to get the confession. 

The other thing is, I don’t know if he thinks telling me “I don’t know why I did it”, is such a big deal to me. I think some men are dense and they think as long as they admit doing something wrong and apologizing that should be enough. I can already tell that he doesn’t understand my emphasis on honesty and lying. I don’t think he thinks he is lying because he admitted to doing it. So I think there isn’t clear understanding of what the problem really is.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> So I think there isn’t clear understanding of what the problem really is.


I think he is confused (or pretending to be confused) because you said that exclusivity didn't matter and you didn't discuss it before you found out about his updated profile. But he lied about it (and badly) and that's not a good sign. So, you are upset because he lied and also because it's clear he was still looking when he said he wasn't (another lie)...


----------



## Girl_power

Livvie said:


> If 2.5 months in you are withdrawing sex to teach him he can't treat you badly and expect sex, why not just end it? Does he even know how he "treated you badly"? What does he have to do to prove he has learned your lesson?


First off we have only had sex twice. 

Secondly, what does he have to do? A simple statement like... I wanted to keep my options open and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I updated my profile on the app we didn’t match on. That’s it!! The truth! No matter how hurtful it may be. 

I want to be able to believe what he says to me. He is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He doesn’t have to jump through hoops, he needs to be honest with himself and with me, so then we can move past it. 

By saying I don’t know why I did it... it’s a huge lie. He always thinks before he speaks, he is well planned, he is very purposeful. What he did was thought out, and calculating. And I don’t know why I did it, is not going to cut it.


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> I think he is confused (or pretending to be confused) because you said that exclusivity didn't matter and you didn't discuss it before you found out about his updated profile. But he lied about it (and badly) and that's not a good sign. So, you are upset because he lied and also because it's clear he was still looking when he said he wasn't (another lie)...


Oh I know what the problem is. I don’t think he understands what the problem is.


----------



## Livvie

Girl_power said:


> First off we have only had sex twice.
> 
> Secondly, what does he have to do? A simple statement like... I wanted to keep my options open and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I updated my profile on the app we didn’t match on. That’s it!! The truth! No matter how hurtful it may be.
> 
> I want to be able to believe what he says to me. He is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He doesn’t have to jump through hoops, he needs to be honest with himself and with me, so then we can move past it.
> 
> By saying I don’t know why I did it... it’s a huge lie. He always thinks before he speaks, he is well planned, he is very purposeful. What he did was thought out, and calculating. And I don’t know why I did it, is not going to cut it.


Does he knew you are dissatisfied with his answer? Or is he just going to have to guess and guess what your issue is? Doesn't he think you two already discussed and concluded the matter of the other dating app?


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> Oh I know what the problem is. I don’t think he understands what the problem is.


Just tell him on the camping trip... if you don't cancel it...


----------



## Girl_power

Livvie said:


> Does he knew you are dissatisfied with his answer? Or is he just going to have to guess and guess what your issue is? Doesn't he think you two already discussed and concluded the matter of the other dating app?


We’re going to talk about it again today. And I will make it clear that I am dissatisfied with his answer.

And no I don’t think he knows that I am dissatisfied with his answer. Yesterday I told him what I found and I gave him the floor to say what he has to say. He did a crappy job doing it, and lied. At the end of the convo I didn’t have anything else to say, and that’s what I told him. He lied, and at that time I didn’t want to argue or coerce him. I was still upset and needed time to relax and think.


----------



## Cletus

I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone on this thread for the full throated reminder of why I am glad to not be actively dating.


----------



## Girl_power

Cletus said:


> I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone on this thread for the full throated reminder of why I am glad to not be actively dating.


Is it because you think I’m taking it too far and expecting too much?


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> Is it because you think I’m taking it too far and expecting too much?


My guess is because it is hard to navigate a mine field, especially if you're limping.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Blondilocks said:


> My guess is because it is hard to navigate a mine field, especially if you're limping.


How is your knee GP?


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> How is your knee GP?


Ah it’s ok. I push it too far then take it easy for a few days, then push it too far and so forth. This camping trip next weekend is probably a bad idea because we will be climbing a high peak (my idea), but you know... I love abusing my body lol.


----------



## jsmart

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe its the cynic in me, but I'm not a huge fan of conversations where certain things are concerned. It's good to share expectations, relevant information, views of the world...etc, but for certain things you have to watch behavior.
> 
> Telling a guy (or gal) you want honesty is great, but a person who is inherently honest doesn't need to be told this. One who isn't will use it as an opportunity to ****** and tell you what you want to hear.
> 
> We as women know when a guy is into us. I personally would not be interested in a guy who's still shopping because like another poster said I want someone who's going to put everything into getting to know me. If it doesn't work out that's fine, but if you're hedging look elsewhere.
> 
> Watch behavior....it will tell you what you need to know.


I have to agree with this. When us men, get with a woman that causes mutual sparks to fly, she becomes our obsession. It would be him wanting to lock you down. Not in marriage or living together but to get sexually exclusive. A guy who’s heads over heals for you doesn’t want to share you.


----------



## Cooper

Girl_power said:


> I understand what you’re saying and I appreciate it.
> 
> I know what i am trying to see in him but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to manipulate his behavior. I want him to freely choose and act how he wants to act... so then I can learn the real him. I clearly jumped the gun on bringing up the dating app to him and I lost that opportunity.
> 
> I think what I am going to do depends on our conversation today. I am going to try to get him to tell me the truth about why he did what he did. And if he does, then I would be really happy and then I would feel comfortable having sex and being vulnerable with him. But if he continues on the I don’t know why I did it... I just don’t know if I can continue with this relationship.
> 
> My problem is he is so nice and so polite that I feel like he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. And I can’t be in a relationship like that again, always wondering what the other person really thinks.
> 
> Thank you for responding and giving me something to think about. I don’t know how to navigate these things, and I am usually so brutally honest with my partners that I essentially give them a recipe book on how to manipulate me.
> It’s like a paradox with me, I want the guy to freely choose and I don’t want to control anyone. But I am a very controlled person with myself, and I accidentally become controlling without realizing it. I would of never thought not having sex with him would be controlling. All I thought about was I don’t feel secure and safe because of his actions so I don’t feel comfortable having sex. It’s giving me a lot of think about.


Thanks for understanding my post, I was afraid it was a bit snarky sounding but that wasn't my intent.

One trait I recognize in you is you spend a lot of time in your own head (me too), that can be exhausting not only for ourselves but also for the people in our lives. Sometimes you need to remember others may not share that kind of thought patterns, your guy may think the status update is no big deal but for you it just keeps circling around becoming a storm.

Direct honesty is the best, you already know the reasons why he would update his status so the conversation should have started there. "Hey OLD guy, I saw you updated your dating status, I'm just wondering what your concerns are with our relationship moving forward. Distance? Differences? Don't want to be exclusive? I smell funny? I like you and want to see if we're on the same page or not"

But I also want to say it was very weak of him to say "I don't know" when you asked, that's a child's answer. Maybe he just isn't man enough to admit he's still playing the field. That passive attitude in a person is very unattractive in my book.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> We’re going to talk about it again today. And I will make it clear that I am dissatisfied with his answer.
> 
> And no I don’t think he knows that I am dissatisfied with his answer. Yesterday I told him what I found and I gave him the floor to say what he has to say. He did a crappy job doing it, and lied. At the end of the convo I didn’t have anything else to say, and that’s what I told him. He lied, and at that time I didn’t want to argue or coerce him. I was still upset and needed time to relax and think.


My opinion. Yes he lied about why he updated the profile. 99% of men would have in this case.

you has not discussed exclusivity and you’ve already chosen to have we’d with him with no commitment. That’s on you, not him.

Until the guy feels safe that YOU are into him and him only, he is not certain of the relationship and yes, he was hedging his bets on having options. Yes m not saying it’s a great mindset, I’m just saying it’s not unusual and it’s his.

What you are doing isn’t fair. You expected him to be exclusive to you and not be dating around and you hadn’t made your intentions clear. You never said you wanted a relationship as far as I know with only him.
For all he knows you could have been dating another man or two also. I assure you it’s not uncommon. Probably the usual with OLD people.

You should not have told him and manipulated him and put him on the spot if you wanted to see what he would do on his own. He may very well grow to like you and feel that you wanted only him and deleted it. You didn’t give him a long enough opportunity to do that in my opinion.

you expected “he’s having sex with me— we are now in a relationship”. Well he may not have been so sure of that.

now you’re going to punish him with no sex.

I think if you’re going to do that, just break things off. If you’re upset he is dishonest in his lie when totally put on the spot, then dump him. If you think it’s a redeemable thing, then go have a good time and see what happens and don’t punish the guy with sex withholding. That’s ******** to me and I’d not call you out on it, I’d just move on.
I assure you he can, just likely not as easily as you. 

Hes driving two hours and planning a trip with you. Honestly, if he’s an average looking guy, he could have women come over and screw him and never leave the house. It’s not difficult.

I don’t think what you’ve done is fair. Stalking? No, you didn’t. What you did was smart. But you shouldn’t have showed that hand until you discussed exclusivity, then monitored what he didn’t know you knew about. It’s quite possible you’d have been pleasantly surprised with what you found. Just my thoughts. You had an ace and played it too soon is my bet.


----------



## Girl_power

Evinrude58 said:


> My opinion. Yes he lied about why he updated the profile. 99% of men would have in this case.
> 
> you has not discussed exclusivity and you’ve already chosen to have we’d with him with no commitment. That’s on you, not him.
> 
> Until the guy feels safe that YOU are into him and him only, he is not certain of the relationship and yes, he was hedging his bets on having options. Yes m not saying it’s a great mindset, I’m just saying it’s not unusual and it’s his.
> 
> What you are doing isn’t fair. You expected him to be exclusive to you and not be dating around and you hadn’t made your intentions clear. You never said you wanted a relationship as far as I know with only him.
> For all he knows you could have been dating another man or two also. I assure you it’s not uncommon. Probably the usual with OLD people.
> 
> You should not have told him and manipulated him and put him on the spot if you wanted to see what he would do on his own. He may very well grow to like you and feel that you wanted only him and deleted it. You didn’t give him a long enough opportunity to do that in my opinion.
> 
> you expected “he’s having sex with me— we are now in a relationship”. Well he may not have been so sure of that.
> 
> now you’re going to punish him with no sex.
> 
> I think if you’re going to do that, just break things off. If you’re upset he is dishonest in his lie when totally put on the spot, then dump him. If you think it’s a redeemable thing, then go have a good time and see what happens and don’t punish the guy with sex withholding. That’s ****** to me and I’d not call you out on it, I’d just move on.
> I assure you he can, just likely not as easily as you.
> 
> Hes driving two hours and planning a trip with you. Honestly, if he’s an average looking guy, he could have women come over and screw him and never leave the house. It’s not difficult.
> 
> I don’t think what you’ve done is fair. Stalking? No, you didn’t. What you did was smart. But you shouldn’t have showed that hand until you discussed exclusivity, then monitored what he didn’t know you knew about. It’s quite possible you’d have been pleasantly surprised with what you found. Just my thoughts. You had an ace and played it too soon is my bet.


I agree.


----------



## pastasauce79

I really don't see it as a big deal. 

You guys didn't talk about being exclusive. You were both having fun getting to know each other. 

I think anyone would have done what he did. I don't think it's fair to roast him about it. Since you guys didn't talk about being exclusive, I guess the guy didn't know where things were heading to, and if he didn't know, what can he say about it? "I don't know" seems like a good answer to me. But if you are not satisfied with his answer you can let him know and break things off. 

You guys don't know each other very well yet. I think it's normal to find things you don't like about each other, you can talk about them and move on. The important thing is to communicate, just be upfront and explain what your expectations are.

I think there are other areas of his life you can look at to judge his honesty. How is his work ethic? How is he with his friends and family?

I would hate it if you miss having a great relationship with this guy because of a dating app misunderstanding.


----------



## Girl_power

Ok we talked, we had a really good almost 2hr convo. There is no more left to be said. He made me feel comfortable and confident that what happened was a dumb mistake, and I got off my chest how I was feeling. We had a very vulnerable conversation about issues in our past relationships and just how we are individually as people and what we need from a partner. I feel 100% better after that convo, we definitely became a lot closer, and I feel like I can actually trust him.


----------



## NTA

Girl_power said:


> What are you saying? That if you were him you would cancel the trip? Or that if you didn’t get sex you would be mad or stop talking to me?
> 
> I would like to think that if he really cared about me, he would understand my not wanting to have sex and be ok with that. If he didn’t care about me, then he wouldn’t be understanding. Do you agree?


Sometimes caring about someone has to grow on you. If someone behaved in rude or incomprehensible ways when with me I would assume that they don't care about me. Your having sex with him and then taking a trip with him and avoiding sex would be quite confusing to someone. You didn't have to have sex with him so early.


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t get it either. To me they are like actors. I don’t act I just do what I want.
> 
> It’s nice to be polite to people but my dad always said, “Politeness with strength.” There is a difference between being polite and being a disingenuous actor who is pretending to be something. It’s right to be courteous up until the point where it isn’t and at that point you need to be a **** kicker.


I totally agree with this! Sometimes people like ignoring your politeness and you're forced to be the asshole to clarify your intentions/expectations.


Girl_power said:


> First off we have only had sex twice.
> 
> Secondly, what does he have to do? A simple statement like... I wanted to keep my options open and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I updated my profile on the app we didn’t match on. That’s it!! The truth! No matter how hurtful it may be.
> 
> I want to be able to believe what he says to me. He is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He doesn’t have to jump through hoops, he needs to be honest with himself and with me, so then we can move past it.
> 
> By saying I don’t know why I did it... it’s a huge lie. He always thinks before he speaks, he is well planned, he is very purposeful. What he did was thought out, and calculating. And I don’t know why I did it, is not going to cut it.


I'd feel uneasy about this also. It's a case of words not matching actions, especially if he's a thinker. However, you really need to state your intentions, can't pussyfoot around issues.


Girl_power said:


> Ok we talked, we had a really good almost 2hr convo. There is no more left to be said. He made me feel comfortable and confident that what happened was a dumb mistake, and I got off my chest how I was feeling. We had a very vulnerable conversation about issues in our past relationships and just how we are individually as people and what we need from a partner. I feel 100% better after that convo, we definitely became a lot closer, and I feel like I can actually trust him.


That's wonderful! I remember when I started dating my bf, people advised me to dump him b/c they thought his not liking labels meant he was a commitment-phobe. If I were you, I'd take his apology and watch his next moves for any disharmony between words/actions before I got too invested.

If you accept no-one is going to be 100% of what you want, and watch for signs of them morphing to meet your expectations, you're golden. Be careful of people who tell you what you want to hear, though. 

Did he explain why he said "I don't know"? Honestly, that's the biggest piece of BS I sniffed out in this whole debacle.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> Ok we talked, we had a really good almost 2hr convo. There is no more left to be said. He made me feel comfortable and confident that what happened was a dumb mistake, and I got off my chest how I was feeling. We had a very vulnerable conversation about issues in our past relationships and just how we are individually as people and what we need from a partner. I feel 100% better after that convo, we definitely became a lot closer, and I feel like I can actually trust him.


You can’t trust a man you’ve only known for a couple of months. Just sayin...
Still wise to be careful.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> Ok we talked, we had a really good almost 2hr convo. There is no more left to be said. He made me feel comfortable and confident that what happened was a dumb mistake, and I got off my chest how I was feeling. We had a very vulnerable conversation about issues in our past relationships and just how we are individually as people and what we need from a partner. I feel 100% better after that convo, we definitely became a lot closer, and I feel like I can actually trust him.


Glad to hear that. Now enjoy the camping. There isn't really a lot more you can do about it. Just be positive and try not to think about all the negativity.


----------



## SunCMars

Cooper said:


> Wouldn't that be a **** test? You're already having sex with the guy, so now you go away with him and with hold sex? Because he needs to prove what exactly? That he'll let you keep moving the line? Are you trying to build a relationship or train a boyfriend?
> 
> Things need to developed organically, I think when you are forcing certain dynamics it leads to disappointment. I know you are trying to establish basic rules of conduct, but if he is modifying his behavior just to appease you how long do you think that will last? You're not going to see the real him, you're going to see the version he thinks you want.


I like this post, yet hate what it says.

Women DO try to train their man.

Uh...
Just ugh..


----------



## SunCMars

In Absentia said:


> I get it, because I'm a people pleaser, but I also get the hints... I would go on the camping trip without expecting sex and I would come clean. It's the only way to fix this.


In that tent, with that cool night, with the hooting owls, the happy frogs and crickets

All those critters serenading and getting it on.

You will fold.

He will gently kiss you, lightly touch your breasts.

He will lay on top of you. You will feel his heat and his hardness. And he, your wetness.

Your hand will find his bottom.
He will slide off to the side.

His member will be grasped with your fingertips.

You will have folded, with him fully in that fold of yours.

Who are you Kidding!

Have fun, see where it leads to.


----------



## AVR1962

It is good that you have been able to talk and clear the air but do keep your mind open. We ladies tend to get attached to our male partners when we become involved sexually but sometimes we are not seeing everything clearly in those early stages. It takes time to truly get to know another person and know if the two of you can weather those storms together. I realize you are looking for a partner in life ultimately but I would suggest to step back and little bit and allow yourself to see him objectively.


----------



## C.C. says ...

SunCMars said:


> In that tent, with that cool night, with the hooting owls, the happy frogs and crickets
> 
> All those critters serenading and getting it on.
> 
> You will fold.
> 
> He will gently kiss you, lightly touch your breasts.
> 
> He will lay on top of you. You will feel his heat and his hardness. And he, your wetness.
> 
> Your hand will find his bottom.
> He will slide off to the side.
> 
> His member will be grasped with your fingertips.
> 
> You will have folded, with him fully in that fold of yours.
> 
> Who are you Kidding!
> 
> Have fun, see where it leads to.


 @SunCMars on 🔥 today! 😚🤩😁


----------



## Girl_power

C.C. says ... said:


> @SunCMars on  today!


I needed a cold shower after that one.


----------



## Benbutton

Girl_power said:


> I understand that.
> But I also think that me not having sex is setting a boundary and expectation and protecting myself. You can’t treat me poorly and expect sex right?
> 
> I mean the more I think about it I get it it is manipulative of me. But isn’t that kind of good? I mean we all want to be treated a certain way, and through dating we set the expectation right? Let’s be honest no one responds to words and conversation. It’s actions.


How about no to the trip? Be upfront and honest about your feelings. Make him understand why you feel the way you do (your previous marriage). That's brutally honest. 
Going and then saying no to sex is going to send a mixed message. I, as a man, could appreciate scrapping the trip and having that talk, especially if I was into someone. If I weren't into you, I'd just cut the ties. If he can't understand why, then tough shyt.


----------



## Girl_power

Benbutton said:


> How about no to the trip? Be upfront and honest about your feelings. Make him understand why you feel the way you do (your previous marriage). That's brutally honest.
> Going and then saying no to sex is going to send a mixed message. I, as a man, could appreciate scrapping the trip and having that talk, especially if I was into someone. If I weren't into you, I'd just cut the ties. If he can't understand why, then tough shyt.


I’m going on the trip, I’m going to have great sex with him. We talked through everything. I told him about my ex husband and he told me about issues he’s had with precious relationships and we have come to a very honest place so it’s all good.


----------



## AVR1962

Have a great time on your trip! Have lots of wonderful sex. I think when a man or woman withholds sex it is the wrong direction to go, regardless, unless you are just DONE with the relationship. Enjoy getting to know this man, enjoy his friendship, enjoy whatever activities the two of you choose to participate in but remember you are still getting to know one another. When a man pushes me for my time, or to be exclusive too quickly I (a woman) close up and I stop contact. I feel smothered.....I have to take my time and truly get to know a person but part of getting to know that person is having sex. Another to keep in mind is anyone can commit to you but he always has a choice at any point and time to break that commitment. Just because a person locks someone down in an exclusive relationship does not mean it will stay that way. I say this to keep your mind open, to realize you are still getting to know each other. You might find something about him that you really do not like. You might find yourself walking away. This is not a matter of him choosing you, this is about you deciding if you like him. Does that make sense?


----------



## Girl_power

I had a great weekend with my OLD dude, climbed a high peak and my knee did great, and we had great sex, only once though which sucked but it was still a great time!


----------



## heartsbeating

Girl_power said:


> I had a great weekend with my OLD dude, climbed a high peak and my knee did great, and we had great sex, only once though which sucked but it was still a great time!


🤣 ... when I read ‘climbed a high peak..’ I was already relating that to sex... okay cool, you literally climbed a high peak and had great sex. Good for you!


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> we had great sex, only once though which sucked but it was still a great time!


Why only once?


----------



## heartsbeating

Sfort said:


> Why only once?


I’m just glad she’s back to tell the tale. I doubt I would go camping with someone I’d met a couple of times. So from that stance, I’m glad it went well.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> I had a great weekend with my OLD dude, climbed a high peak and my knee did great, and we had great sex, only once though which sucked but it was still a great time!


only once in the whole weekend?


----------



## jsmart

Having sex only once when you’re a super new couple who can’t see each other doesn’t seem so passionate. Was the atmosphere not conducive to getting it on?


----------



## jsmart

Oops duplicate post.


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> Why only once?


After literal climbing we were both exhausted and eventually went straight to bed.


----------



## Girl_power

jsmart said:


> Having sex only once when you’re a super new couple who can’t see each other doesn’t seem so passionate. Was the atmosphere not conducive to getting it on?


We got there the first night at 1030pm and had sex. The next morning we woke at 5am and hiked, then went spent the day/night out. We made a camp fire, it was really cold outside and we just hung out and drank a little. I wish we had sex again but we didn’t for whatever reason. He was exhausted when we eventually laid in bed. 

The next morning we got up at 7am and went to breakfast and for on the road. It was a 5hr drive for us. 

But yea I’m disappointed we didn’t have sex again but it’s also kit like I tried to. We haven’t had sex in the daytime yet. He’s kinda shy and I think we are both figuring each other out.


----------



## WandaJ

Girl_power said:


> I’m just super messed up from my ex husband. He would always have the perfect words and he would always say the right thing, then he acted differently. He lied all the time about little things, and he hid things all the time, from me and his family. It got to the point where I just was so crazy and couldn’t believe anything he said. I wanted to so bad though because he was my husband. I wanted him to tell me the truth no matter how harsh it was because at least I knew the truth.
> People think that being mean is saying harsh things and being blunt. But being mean is what my exH did. Acted like a perfect angel and who knows what he did behind my back.
> 
> I need to be with someone who says something and I know it’s true, because they are always truthful. Not this I don’t want to hurt your feelings, white lie crap. If you don’t have your word you have nothing .


I am late to that conversation, but it seems to me that by focusing on what your husband used to do to you, you are neglecting now other problems, as well as your own feelings. Yes, honesty is the base of succesfull relationship, but there are also other things to consider. Maybe you feel like him being honest is all you care about, but I do not think so. You would like this to be exvlusive, so of course, you care about him potentially dating other women. If you are not honest with yourself, you will screw up the best relationship. 
I do not mean this as an attack on, this is something many of us tend to do.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> The next morning we got up at 7am, *we had sex*, and went to breakfast and for on the road. It was a 5hr drive for us.


Corrected it for you. Much better now...


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> Corrected it for you. Much better now...


I wish that were true.


----------



## Girl_power

But after we had sex he did say... you are amazinggggg. So I’ll take that lol.


----------



## jsmart

Waking up next to my wife, who I’ve been with for 34 years, I’d want to have sex that morning before leaving. Now you being a new girl that I’ve only had a few times; how much more horny would I have been? Off the charts.


----------



## joannacroc

Glad you had a good time!


----------



## Openminded

Maybe he’s low drive?


----------



## bobert

I think @Girl_power over thinks enough... She doesn't need any help starting to second guess a good weekend. If the guy would have initiated more sex, I bet there would still be criticism. Guy can't win.


----------



## In Absentia

Openminded said:


> Maybe he’s low drive?


we don't know the age? Maybe I've missed it... I would have wanted sex a few times even if shattered after a long hike... and I'm 57... but we are all different...  But I don't really want to ruin it. He said she was amazing.


----------



## SunCMars

Girl_power said:


> I had a great weekend with my OLD dude, climbed a high peak and my knee did great, and we had great sex, only once though which sucked but it was still a great time!


I called this....


----------



## SunCMars

Girl_power said:


> We got there the first night at 1030pm and had sex. The next morning we woke at 5am and hiked, then went spent the day/night out. We made a camp fire, it was really cold outside and we just hung out and drank a little. I wish we had sex again but we didn’t for whatever reason. He was exhausted when we eventually laid in bed.
> 
> The next morning we got up at 7am and went to breakfast and for on the road. It was a 5hr drive for us.
> 
> But yea I’m disappointed we didn’t have sex again but it’s also kit like I tried to. We haven’t had sex in the daytime yet. He’s kinda shy and I think we are both figuring each other out.


I might be wrong, but didn't you caution him about any future sex with you???

I have been away from this thread for many days.

You may have made him gun shy, uh, fun shy?


_Are Dee-_


----------



## Girl_power

SunCMars said:


> I might be wrong, but didn't you caution him about any future sex with you???
> 
> I have been away from this thread for many days.
> 
> You may have made him gun shy, uh, fun shy?
> 
> 
> _Are Dee-_


What do you mean caution him? We didn’t talk about sex ever.


----------



## Girl_power

bobert said:


> I think @Girl_power over thinks enough... She doesn't need any help starting to second guess a good weekend. If the guy would have initiated more sex, I bet there would still be criticism. Guy can't win.


Haha no I am very happy with the weekend! Great sex, great activity, great food, great conversation.


----------



## TXTrini

bobert said:


> I think @Girl_power over thinks enough... She doesn't need any help starting to second guess a good weekend. If the guy would have initiated more sex, I bet there would still be criticism. Guy can't win.


As a fellow overthinker, I agree. Ignore the peanut gallery about the sex comments. Only you know what feels right to you and are in the position to assess his vibe. I'm glad you had a great time. 

I am a bit agog that he's "too shy" for daytime sex? Wot?!  Ok, climbing back into the peanut gallery now


----------



## Girl_power

TXTrini said:


> As a fellow overthinker, I agree. Ignore the peanut gallery about the sex comments. Only you know what feels right to you and are in the position to assess his vibe. I'm glad you had a great time.
> 
> I am a bit agog that he's "too shy" for daytime sex? Wot?!  Ok, climbing back into the peanut gallery now


Next time we hang out I’ll try to get something started during the day time to see what happens.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> Next time we hang out I’ll try to get something started during the day time to see what happens.


Be sure to tell him you have a lot of people on TAM who want answers. 

Just kidding!!!


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> As a fellow overthinker, I agree. Ignore the peanut gallery about the sex comments. Only you know what feels right to you and are in the position to assess his vibe. I'm glad you had a great time.
> 
> I am a bit agog that he's "too shy" for daytime sex? Wot?!  Ok, climbing back into the peanut gallery now


I can see this. I tried to close the deal a bunch of times yesterday during the day and couldn’t get it done. Night rolled around and then I converted.

It’s hard for me to gauge because I’m trying to get my abs to pop out now so I’m taking my shirt off all the time.


----------



## Girl_power

Update: I think the end is near. 

He has been pulling back the last week or so. Less texting. The lack of communication is frustrating because I hate feeling like I’m in a gray area. I asked him about it, he said he is overwhelmed with work and that he’s sorry and he knows he’s been distant. But then nothing changed. 

We are going to talk today on the phone… my request because I can’t go on like this. I’m going crazy, last night I wanted to talk on the phone and he basically said no, that he as too exhausted and we will talk tomorrow. 

This is going to be the longest work shift ever because I just want to clarify things, end them or resolve them. I hate being in a gray area.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Sorry to hear that GP!


----------



## Livvie

Girl_power said:


> Update: I think the end is near.
> 
> He has been pulling back the last week or so. Less texting. The lack of communication is frustrating because I hate feeling like I’m in a gray area. I asked him about it, he said he is overwhelmed with work and that he’s sorry and he knows he’s been distant. But then nothing changed.
> 
> We are going to talk today on the phone… my request because I can’t go on like this. I’m going crazy, last night I wanted to talk on the phone and he basically said no, that he as too exhausted and we will talk tomorrow.
> 
> This is going to be the longest work shift ever because I just want to clarify things, end them or resolve them. I hate being in a gray area.


This is the problem with long distance relationships. 

1. It really shouldn't be a big deal if one evening your boyfriend is too spent from work to want to have a phone conversation. Electronic communication does not a relationship make.
2. If you lived closer and saw each other lots of times a week, an evening he was exhausted and you guys didn't connect would be just fine because you'd know you would see him the next day or two.
3. If he were in town you could go over there and make him dinner after he had an especially long day.


----------



## Girl_power

Livvie said:


> This is the problem with long distance relationships.
> 
> 1. It really shouldn't be a big deal if one evening your boyfriend is too spent from work to want to have a phone conversation. Electronic communication does not a relationship make.
> 2. If you lived closer and saw each other lots of times a week, an evening he was exhausted and you guys didn't connect would be just fine because you'd know you would see him the next day or two.
> 3. If he were in town you could go over there and make him dinner after he had an especially long day.


I am fine not talking all the time. But there needs to be someway to keep us connected. I’m happy with a phone call once a week. Also, it’s nice to have plans to see each other. A good morning and goodnight text is fine. 

My problem is, it was a full week with just have a good day texts, and that’s basically it. 

I’m pretty disappointed because I really like him.


----------



## Girl_power

Also… we haven’t seen each other the last two weekends because we were both busy, and I’m fine with that. But then at least make plans for me for this weekend. It’s Thursday and he hasn’t said anything about the up coming weekend. He’s really pulling back. It’s frustrating because I wish he would of had a conversation with me about what’s going on. 
I’m such a direct person. I hate feeling confused or wondering what’s going on. It’s legit torture for me. And frankly it’s selfish and rude IMO.


----------



## Girl_power

I’m pretty sure he has aspergers. So I’m not sure if he is pulling back to prepare to end things with me, If he is pulling back because he is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to deal with whatever is stressing him out, if he is pulling back to test me, or to try to get me to end things. Who knows. I can’t wait to talk to him because I just need clarity.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Can you maybe club him over the head and drag him back to your cave? I know you have said you were looking for him to lead and show some initiative but if you really like him maybe he’s kind of clueless and a direct approach could yield results?


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> Can you maybe club him over the head and drag him back to your cave? I know you have said you were looking for him to lead and show some initiative but if you really like him maybe he’s kind of clueless and a direct approach could yield results?


He might just be done with me. He might just be an idiot that needs clubbing. Honestly it’s so hard to tell with him.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> Can you maybe club him over the head and drag him back to your cave? I know you have said you were looking for him to lead and show some initiative but if you really like him maybe he’s kind of clueless and a direct approach could yield results?


What’s funny is… he was telling me about this girl he was kinda sorta seeing. They were sleeping together. And he realized that he didn’t like her like a girlfriend, so when they were hanging out she tried to have sex with him and he said no, then told her that he would just rather be friends and that he doesn’t see her as a girlfriend. Apparently she was ok with just being friends. He said then she would complain saying… you don’t text me enough. So then he started to text her more. And they kept hanging out, and apparently she was pretty aggressive. And eventually they started having sex again. (Obviously he was in the wrong but he thought he made things clear). So anyway, I think she got frustrated and he said again that he doesn’t see her like a girlfriend and she apparently flipped out on him and really shamed him because she was hurt and she really let him have it. He told me that he felt so bad, and that the experience traumatized him. 

So I said to him… omg am I that girl? And he answered to me no definitely not. That was weeks ago obviously. But my fear is that I am her, and that he thinks he’s being clear but he isn’t.


----------



## AVR1962

Girl_power said:


> What’s funny is… he was telling me about this girl he was kinda sorta seeing. They were sleeping together. And he realized that he didn’t like her like a girlfriend, so when they were hanging out she tried to have sex with him and he said no, then told her that he would just rather be friends and that he doesn’t see her as a girlfriend. Apparently she was ok with just being friends. He said then she would complain saying… you don’t text me enough. So then he started to text her more. And they kept hanging out, and apparently she was pretty aggressive. And eventually they started having sex again. (Obviously he was in the wrong but he thought he made things clear). So anyway, I think she got frustrated and he said again that he doesn’t see her like a girlfriend and she apparently flipped out on him and really shamed him because she was hurt and she really let him have it. He told me that he felt so bad, and that the experience traumatized him.
> 
> So I said to him… omg am I that girl? And he answered to me no definitely not. That was weeks ago obviously. But my fear is that I am her, and that he thinks he’s being clear but he isn’t.


Sounds to me like there is someone else in the picture that he at least was somewhat honest about. Guys do say "no" but he may also be on the fence. Personally, I suggest leaving this man alone and going on your way.


----------



## Girl_power

AVR1962 said:


> Sounds to me like there is someone else in the picture that he at least was somewhat honest about. Guys do say "no" but he may also be on the fence. Personally, I suggest leaving this man alone and going on your way.


Who knows. This was way before me but he does seem to be honest. He had always been with me.


----------



## NTA

Girl_power said:


> What’s funny is… he was telling me about this girl he was kinda sorta seeing. They were sleeping together. And he realized that he didn’t like her like a girlfriend, so when they were hanging out she tried to have sex with him and he said no, then told her that he would just rather be friends and that he doesn’t see her as a girlfriend. Apparently she was ok with just being friends. He said then she would complain saying… you don’t text me enough. So then he started to text her more. And they kept hanging out, and apparently she was pretty aggressive. And eventually they started having sex again. (Obviously he was in the wrong but he thought he made things clear). So anyway, I think she got frustrated and he said again that he doesn’t see her like a girlfriend and she apparently flipped out on him and really shamed him because she was hurt and she really let him have it. He told me that he felt so bad, and that the experience traumatized him.
> 
> So I said to him… omg am I that girl? And he answered to me no definitely not. That was weeks ago obviously. But my fear is that I am her, and that he thinks he’s being clear but he isn’t.


Men always have these complicated stories that make no sense.

it's always back to what they do. Not what they say.


----------



## Girl_power

NTA said:


> Men always have these complicated stories that make no sense.
> 
> it's always back to what they do. Not what they say.


I agree. When he told me this story I was like uhh what!! I straight up told him he shouldn’t be sleeping with her bc clearly she had more feelings for him and she would get hurt. He was surprised that I said that to him. He was basically saying that it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t get it after he told her.


----------



## Sfort

I sense that there may be some expectations that each of you has the ability to read minds.


----------



## In Absentia

Reading this thread, I think you come across a bit "needy"... even if you are not. Obviously, you really want this to work, maybe he is less committed. To be honest, if I really liked a gal, I would be talking to her all the time, regardless of how busy/tired I am... but don't take my comment the wrong way. I think your behaviour is pretty standard, but people have their own boundaries and they can vary a lot. I always had a funny feeling about this guy...


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> I sense that there may be some expectations that each of you has the ability to read minds.


I agree with this to a certain degree. I think I’m pretty blunt though and I don’t like mis understandings and I like everyone to be on the same page. 

He’s just hard to read. And he’s told me that he has heard this before and it frustrates him. He said all I have to do is ask and he is an open book, which he has proofed to be right so far. I just hate having to ask… I should feel secure in a relationship.


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> Reading this thread, I think you come across a bit "needy"... even if you are not. Obviously, you really want this to work, maybe he is less committed. To be honest, if I really liked a gal, I would be talking to her all the time, regardless of how busy/tired I am... but don't take my comment the wrong way. I think your behaviour is pretty standard, but people have their own boundaries and they can vary a lot. I always had a funny feeling about this guy...


I do think I seem needy. However… I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks, there are no plans to see each other, we haven’t talked on the phone for probably 2 weeks, and we are barely texting… and when we do it’s just about our day. I don’t think me wanting more than that is being needy. I also don’t think me being unhappy about that makes me needy. I find it strange that he thinks this is normal.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> I do think I seem needy. However… I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks, there are no plans to see each other, we haven’t talked on the phone for probably 2 weeks, and we are barely texting… and when we do it’s just about our day. I don’t think me wanting more than that is being needy. I also don’t think me being unhappy about that makes me needy. I find it strange that he thinks this is normal.


Maybe when you are with him... maybe he thinks that. It's strange you haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. I have no idea. I just remembered you are the sandwich girl...


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> Maybe when you are with him... maybe he thinks that. It's strange you haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. I have no idea. I just remembered you are the sandwich girl...


Sandwich girl?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> I do think I seem needy. However… I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks, there are no plans to see each other, we haven’t talked on the phone for probably 2 weeks, and we are barely texting… and when we do it’s just about our day. I don’t think me wanting more than that is being needy. I also don’t think me being unhappy about that makes me needy. I find it strange that he thinks this is normal.


It isn’t normal and if he was really into you, things would be different. Throw this one back in the pond. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> Sandwich girl?


sorry... I should have explained... I hope you haven't googled it...  In another thread (can't remember which one), you said you are the type of girl who likes to "spoil" her boyfriend, for example preparing him a nice sandwich... I said I would feel a bit suffocated by all this attention. Maybe he doesn't like your acts of service? Maybe you haven't done that with him. But I do agree in general: men are strange beasts.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> I just hate having to ask… I should feel secure in a relationship.


If you're secure in a relationship, you shouldn't have a problem asking. Imagining the answer is often very different from knowing the answer. Maybe you're afraid of the answer.


----------



## TXTrini

Hey chick,
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I have to chime in with a couple of things. Remember you mentioned earlier he's shy, introverted and a little passive? What kind of job does he do? Is he an analytical thinker who likes his quiet time?
He sounds very similar to my bf, you're going to have to spell things out for him plainly. 

I went through something very similar early on with my bf. He hates talking on the phone, but prefers to text. It took me a while to get used to texting, but I compromised. However, when he wasn't solidifying plans AND communicating as much as I wanted, I told him exactly how I felt about the status quo. There were no ultimatums or emotional pleas, I stated what I wanted, and let him know if he wanted that too, then it was time to **** or get off the pot. He stepped up then and decided to .

It turns out, he was always around people who asked him to do things and got used to that. I told him it didn't make me feel good to be the one who asked first, bc I need to plan my time. After that, I held firm to what I said I was going to do and watched him. I let him worry if he was going to see me, and then things turned around. But I had to let go and stop being anxious and give him time to act.

Are you sure you want to scrap things before giving it a chance? I agree with Sfort, it seems you have uncommunicated expectations. That's going to bite you in the ass every time with every man you date if you let it.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> I agree with this to a certain degree. I think I’m pretty blunt though and I don’t like mis understandings and I like everyone to be on the same page.
> 
> He’s just hard to read. And he’s told me that he has heard this before and it frustrates him. He said all I have to do is ask and he is an open book, which he has proofed to be right so far. I just hate having to ask… I should feel secure in a relationship.


I understand "hating having to ask", but you have to if you don't want to go around assume things people think, whether its him or anyone else. Isn't this "relationship" super new? LIke less than 3 months? You can't expect to know someone in such a short time, maybe he's now getting his bearings. Either way, you won't know unless you are vulnerable enough to ask. If he doesn't meet you halfway, then definitely kick him back into the pond. 



Girl_power said:


> I do think I seem needy. However… I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks, there are no plans to see each other, we haven’t talked on the phone for probably 2 weeks, and we are barely texting… and when we do it’s just about our day. I don’t think me wanting more than that is being needy. I also don’t think me being unhappy about that makes me needy. I find it strange that he thinks this is normal.


Definitely talk to the man. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you will/not deal with and give him a chance. It sounds like part of who is he.


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> sorry... I should have explained... I hope you haven't googled it...  In another thread (can't remember which one), you said you are the type of girl who likes to "spoil" her boyfriend, for example preparing him a nice sandwich... I said I would feel a bit suffocated by all this attention. Maybe he doesn't like your acts of service? Maybe you haven't done that with him. But I do agree in general: men are strange beasts.


Oh haha. No I haven’t made him a sandwich or made him any food or even did any acts of service. It’s too early in the relationship for that type of stuff for me. That’s not for a looong time lol.


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> If you're secure in a relationship, you shouldn't have a problem asking. Imagining the answer is often very different from knowing the answer. Maybe you're afraid of the answer.


I’m not afraid of the answer. That’s why I tried to talk to him about it yesterday. I don’t like not knowing.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> I haven’t made him a sandwich or made him any food or even did any acts of service. It’s too early in the relationship for that type of stuff for me.


But not too early for sex. LOL.


----------



## Diana7

I hope that either way he is honest so you can know where you are. It's not nice not knowing. 
If the relationship is to progress then you do really need to see him regularly.


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> But not too early for sex. LOL.


Correct. Sex is important to me. And so is this.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Elizabeth001 said:


> It isn’t normal and if he was really into you, things would be different. Throw this one back in the pond.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Agreed. This guy isn't into you.

He likes you enough to talk here and there and even have sex from time to time, but a guy who was into you would be chasing you.

A lot of women have trouble accepting this and think they can push it. We've all done it but it's not a good idea.

Cut him off and look elsewhere.


----------



## Livvie

Long distance, mainly electronic, relationships aren't for everyone.


----------



## Evinrude58

Guys talk to women they think about regularly.
Catch and release. He was never that into you. Ever. Don’t try to make excuses. Let him go.


----------



## sideways

As a man, if I was interested in a girl (I'm married), I'm going to make the time to connect with them. It doesn't matter how busy I am. Especially with texting and emails etc you can reach out when you have a few minutes.

Most people say they're busy, but in my humble opinion, this is an excuse and not a reason. We stay connected to the people we want to. It's that simple.


----------



## Openminded

You tend to hold onto relationships too long. If it turns out he really isn’t as interested as you are, don’t waste time on him.


----------



## Girl_power

TXTrini said:


> Hey chick,
> I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I have to chime in with a couple of things. Remember you mentioned earlier he's shy, introverted and a little passive? What kind of job does he do? Is he an analytical thinker who likes his quiet time?
> He sounds very similar to my bf, you're going to have to spell things out for him plainly.
> 
> I went through something very similar early on with my bf. He hates talking on the phone, but prefers to text. It took me a while to get used to texting, but I compromised. However, when he wasn't solidifying plans AND communicating as much as I wanted, I told him exactly how I felt about the status quo. There were no ultimatums or emotional pleas, I stated what I wanted, and let him know if he wanted that too, then it was time to **** or get off the pot. He stepped up then and decided to .
> 
> It turns out, he was always around people who asked him to do things and got used to that. I told him it didn't make me feel good to be the one who asked first, bc I need to plan my time. After that, I held firm to what I said I was going to do and watched him. I let him worry if he was going to see me, and then things turned around. But I had to let go and stop being anxious and give him time to act.
> 
> Are you sure you want to scrap things before giving it a chance? I agree with Sfort, it seems you have uncommunicated expectations. That's going to bite you in the ass every time with every man you date if you let it.


I’m waiting to see how this conversation goes. So I’m not going in it to end things. I kinda think he wants to end it with me, so I am giving him the opportunity to do that. If I miss read him wrong and he doesn’t want to end it, then I will talk to him about all the issues I am having and see what his response is.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Girl_power said:


> I’m waiting to see how this conversation goes. So I’m not going in it to end things. I kinda think he wants to end it with me, so I am giving him the opportunity to do that. If I miss read him wrong and he doesn’t want to end it, then I will talk to him about all the issues I am having and see what his response is.


Why are you willing to take whatever scraps he tosses your way?

You can't talk about your issues and somehow get a guy to be into you. He's showing you where you stand....you're just unwilling to see it.

You deserve better. There are men out there who will move mountains to be with you.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> I’m waiting to see how this conversation goes. So I’m not going in it to end things. I kinda think he wants to end it with me, so I am giving him the opportunity to do that. If I miss read him wrong and he doesn’t want to end it, then I will talk to him about all the issues I am having and see what his response is.


That's fair. 

If I took everyone's advice when I mentioned my issues on the singles thread, I'd have thrown away a very compatible person. It turned out that he thought everything was "great" b/c I didn't speak up. 

My dude turned out to be more cautious, b/c he thought I wasn't ready for anything serious and wanted to slow the pace. You're operating with half the information, so it's smart to hear him out and then decide. 

I'm not advocating for you to "accept crumbs" or a relationship on his terms, just cautioning that no one will ever be able to meet unexpressed expectations.


----------



## Girl_power

lifeistooshort said:


> Why are you willing to take whatever scraps he tosses your way?
> 
> You can't talk about your issues and somehow get a guy to be into you. He's showing you where you stand....you're just unwilling to see it.
> 
> You deserve better. There are men out there who will move mountains to be with you.


I’m not willing to accept scrapes. Maybe he’s having a bad week, maybe he’s just a jerk. I will find out. This conversation will be telling.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> I’m not willing to accept scrapes. Maybe he’s having a bad week, maybe he’s just a jerk. I will find out. This conversation will be telling.


Good luck. I hope you get the outcome you want.


----------



## jsmart

When we guys are with a new girl, she is CONSTANTLY on our mind. We want to talk to her and can’t get enough of her. Talking to her once a week would not be normal. That’s why long distance relationships are not for everyone. I personally couldn’t do a serious relationship that way. 

To be honest it sounds like LD is a problem for you too. By trying to make this LD relationship work, you’re turning yourself into a needy person, which I suspect you don’t like being.


----------



## Cooper

I think the guy lacks the balls to be direct with you because all the signs point to him backing away from the relationship. But honestly wasn't he kind of wishy washy from the start? Weren't you struggling trying to figure him out right from the get go?

I almost wonder if you kind of pushed him into a relationship that he never truly wanted and he doesn't know how to get out of It. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George wants to break up with his girlfriend and she tells him "no", so George just keeps dating her. lol

I bet if you told him it was time to end things he would pretend to be hurt and sorry but would be secretly releaved.


----------



## sideways

Throw in the fact that this is a LDR.

Not being able to see this person as much would definitely make me want to speak to them more (phone, text etc). That is if I was genuinely interested in her.


----------



## Girl_power

I appreciate everyone’s opinion! I’ll update once we talk!


----------



## ccpowerslave

I think a lot of the advice about interest level is right.

I’m chasing my wife right now and she doesn’t have to worry about what the plans are. She knows I’m taking her out to a restaurant we haven’t been to every Friday. She knows that on one of the days each weekend we go on a drive. She knows every afternoon we go on a walk around the neighborhood, etc... Then I throw in a random thing every so often to keep some mystery.

If she asks me to spend time on something or needs me for something I drop what I’m doing. I will cut out mid meeting in a Zoom meeting or blow off work as needed; don’t really care.

In short I am behaving more like I did when we were dating and reaping the benefits.



Sfort said:


> But not too early for sex. LOL.


I would much rather have sex than even the best sandwich. Although maybe the best poolside club sandwich I ever had is on par with the worst sex.


----------



## Sfort

ccpowerslave said:


> I would much rather have sex than even the best sandwich. Although maybe the best poolside club sandwich I ever had is on par with the worst sex.


The worst sex I ever had was great.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Sfort said:


> The worst sex I ever had was great.


You’re underestimating how good this club sandwich was.


----------



## Ursula

Girl_power said:


> I agree. I am not going to have the exclusivity talk right now. I want him to start it and I understand if he isn’t ready to start it. I am not going to have sex anymore, I agree with what you said 100%. I am going to get my emotions under control.
> I’ll try to start talking to other guys. If the lack of sex doesn’t prompt this exclusivity talk, then I’ll give it a few more weeks before I have it with him (if things are still going well). If things simmer down, I’ll just end it because the 2hr distance is not worth the luke warmness.


I'm late to the game here, and have only read up to the post I'm replying to. First off @Girl_power, I think you have a level head on your shoulders in regards to OLD and protecting yourself. The only thing that I could say is that if you want a life partner, maybe don't sleep with someone too soon into things. 

OK, so, I would like to understand this mentality of the guy having to make that first move to exclusivity. Why does it have to be the guy who does that? I have a girlfriend who's pretty new to OLD, and she said something similar to me recently about the guy having to be the one to do the chasing. No, no, no. In my experience, if you don't ask for what you want, you tend to get nothing. OP, if you see potential this this guy, YOU initiate the exclusivity talk. It doesn't have to be anything super serious, but whether or not you guys are on the same page is good info to know. Also, if you stop having sex with him, but still hang out with him, he will probably automatically friend-zone you, thinking you really aren't interested in him romantically.


----------



## Sfort

ccpowerslave said:


> You’re underestimating how good this club sandwich was.


You may have too much silicon in your diet.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> You’re underestimating how good this club sandwich was.


Lolol!!!!!


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> I think a lot of the advice about interest level is right.
> 
> I’m chasing my wife right now and she doesn’t have to worry about what the plans are. She knows I’m taking her out to a restaurant we haven’t been to every Friday. She knows that on one of the days each weekend we go on a drive. She knows every afternoon we go on a walk around the neighborhood, etc... Then I throw in a random thing every so often to keep some mystery.
> 
> If she asks me to spend time on something or needs me for something I drop what I’m doing. I will cut out mid meeting in a Zoom meeting or blow off work as needed; don’t really care.
> 
> In short I am behaving more like I did when we were dating and reaping the benefits.
> 
> 
> 
> I would much rather have sex than even the best sandwich. Although maybe the best poolside club sandwich I ever had is on par with the worst sex.


I get what your saying but not all men are like this. My brother loves his wife… but he is just a passive man. She is always the one planning things and kind of running the relationship, she has control issues and a type A personality, my brother loves this. He hates the pressure of having to do stuff and then be met with unmet expectations and what not. 

People are different.


----------



## Benbutton

I'm with the "he's not into you" crowd. If I'm into a woman I go after her. I don't make excuses to avoid her, but rather make time to be with her. If I'm not that into a woman I will still see her, she will be far from a priority though.


----------



## Evinrude58

Talking is a waste of time. Life’s too short gave you good advice.


----------



## dubsey

I guess, even after you talk to him, let us assume the best case scenario. He's still totally into you, but he's "Just this way" sometimes. Is that something you can tolerate for the long term without driving yourself crazy?

Only you know, but it sure doesn't look like it with the limited information we have available.


----------



## Cooper

I think you need to be careful not to steer the conversation but let him set the tone, and listen to what he says. I say that because I think if you ask him if he's interested in continuing the relationship he will say yes BUT I'm so busy right now. If you ask about plans for this weekend he will say he wanted to see you BUT he just has too much going on. He meant to call you BUT he fell asleep.

I wish you luck, I know you want things to work out just don't let that cloud objective thinking.


----------



## Ursula

Girl_power said:


> I understand that.
> But I also think that me not having sex is setting a boundary and expectation and protecting myself. You can’t treat me poorly and expect sex right?
> 
> I mean the more I think about it I get it it is manipulative of me. But isn’t that kind of good? I mean we all want to be treated a certain way, and through dating we set the expectation right? Let’s be honest no one responds to words and conversation. It’s actions.


I think that people in healthy relationships respond to words and conversation as well as actions. My XH sounds much like yours, but my current BF is the polar opposite. We have an open, honest relationship with good conversation when things bother us. He has no problem encouraging things like that and neither do I. 

As to the sex issue, and having it during camping versus not having it, I think that's just strange. I mean, I can see in the beginning before sex happens, yes, set it as a boundary. But, you guys have had sex a couple of times, and you've talked about the things that were bothering you, getting decent answers from him. I would think that he would expect some form of intimacy on your camping trip. If you withhold that, if it were me, I'd be very confused and hurt.


----------



## Ursula

Girl_power said:


> Ok we talked, we had a really good almost 2hr convo. There is no more left to be said. He made me feel comfortable and confident that what happened was a dumb mistake, and I got off my chest how I was feeling. We had a very vulnerable conversation about issues in our past relationships and just how we are individually as people and what we need from a partner. I feel 100% better after that convo, we definitely became a lot closer, and I feel like I can actually trust him.


That's fantastic news; good for you guys for navigating that conversation and coming out on the good end of things!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Ursula said:


> That's fantastic news; good for you guys for navigating that conversation and coming out on the good end of things!


Ursula, you’re one of my favorite posters but DAYum. Read the thread. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ursula

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ursula, you’re one of my favorite posters but DAYum. Read the thread.


Hahaha, yeah, I just got to the end, and once I hit the point where OP hasn't seen or really heard from him for 3 weeks, I shook my head when I thought what I'd posted. Yup, late to the game here!


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> I get what your saying but not all men are like this. My brother loves his wife… but he is just a passive man. She is always the one planning things and kind of running the relationship, she has control issues and a type A personality, my brother loves this. He hates the pressure of having to do stuff and then be met with unmet expectations and what not.
> 
> People are different.


Yeah... I guess I mostly associate with type A people in my circle of friends. If one of my friends was getting directed by his wife or girlfriend in our group they would get teased with no mercy.

I think with a woman that is more type A than me it wouldn’t work. I want to be the big dawg. I need her to pull on the choke chain every once in a while to keep me from mauling people but aside from that I want to be pulling her down the street.


----------



## Girl_power

Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Girl_power said:


> Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


I'm very sorry to hear that GP....but yes, very very fortunate that this happened now and not further down the road.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'm sorry you're hurting 😔

I'm also happy you're going to be free for a quality guy who's into you to pursue you.

You will be much happier.


----------



## ccpowerslave

That sucks but I agree with @lifeistooshort


----------



## Ursula

Girl_power said:


> Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


Well scheister, I'm sorry to hear that, @Girl_power, but you're absolutely right, it's better to happen now than in a couple of years. You'll find someone fantastic, I'm sure, and hopefully someone a little closer to home!


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


I'm sorry, hon. Its a good thing you talked now instead of stewing. _hugs_


----------



## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


Shame he couldn't just tell you but glad you know where you are.


----------



## m.t.t

I'm sorry you are hurting ... But it does sound like you two had different needs in a relationship and LD is hard. Well done for moving on now rather than wasting time and emotions on something that is not working for you. Sending a hug...


----------



## Evinrude58

You did the right thing. If a guy isn’t making seeing you a priority when first dating——- you’ll never be a priority. Now time to have fun looking for the right one.


----------



## sideways

I know it hurts but look at it like this.

You're discovering what's important to you and what you need in a relationship. 

One is definitely someone who communicates with you on a regular basis and doesn't disappear for days on end.

I think you may have also discovered that a LDR relationship is going to be tough. Even though you may find someone who's communicating with you on a regular basis at some point that's not going to be enough. You'll want to see them and the more serious the relationship becomes you'll want to see them even more. 

LDR are going to be tough for you to have this so it might make sense not to do this anymore and find someone who lives near you.

At some point you'll find the right guy and going through all of these other guys that didn't work out just got you one step closer to finding Mr Right.

Keep the faith it will happen and more than likely it will happen when you least expect it.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> Ok I just talked to him. We officially broke up. Distance was too much. I’m definitely upset and hurting, but I’m so glad we ended things now instead of in 2 years.


Sorry to hear that. I'm sending you a virtual sandwich, erm, hug!


----------



## Sue4473

I’m so sorry. I know all too well how it feels. What did he do as in job? You said he was overwhelmed with his job. I guess none of it matters now but if you’re like me- I still question a lot of things of my past relationships.

Hugs to you.
Sue


----------



## Girl_power

I’m actually annoyed bc he said he has been stressed the last 2 weeks because of work. And I know I can be needy so I was trying to back off and give him space. So I decided to go camping alone for a weekend and give him space. 

His biggest complaint to which he wanted to break up was because of the distance. And he said that he’s been stressed and it’s been really hard not having a partner near by, and the fact that we haven’t seen each other in 2 weekends was tough so he emotionally detached himself from me. 

I’m upset because I was giving him space when he needed the opposite. But I didn’t know that because he didn’t tell me.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> His biggest complaint to which he wanted to break up was because of the distance. And he said that he’s been stressed and it’s been really hard not having a partner near by...


Sounds like a load of s***. 

It was only 2h if I remember right. That’s hardly an insurmountable obstacle for a motivated guy.

I have worked lots of hours in my life like months of 7d/12+ hours at a time; if you want to be with someone you can figure it out.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> I’m actually annoyed bc he said he has been stressed the last 2 weeks because of work. And I know I can be needy so I was trying to back off and give him space. So I decided to go camping alone for a weekend and give him space.
> 
> His biggest complaint to which he wanted to break up was because of the distance. And he said that he’s been stressed and it’s been really hard not having a partner near by, and the fact that we haven’t seen each other in 2 weekends was tough so he emotionally detached himself from me.
> 
> I’m upset because I was giving him space when he needed the opposite. But I didn’t know that because he didn’t tell me.


I just want to tell you my opinion:

what he says to your face and what he really thinks are two totally different things.
He is not stressed. Everyone is “stressed”.
The distance is not bothering him.
He just ain’t feeling’ it, GP.....

if a man really likes a woman, he’d be acting totally different. Totally. There’s nothing more to this than he’s just not feeling the same about you as you do him. He hasn’t called you in weeks. THAT is what you should pay attention to. But you did get some closure which I think is good. My only advice is that if you date a guy and he’s not investing the same effort in things as you are, don’t have sex with him and don’t get attached. 
He kept you dangling all this time because you were attractive enough, nice enough.... you boosted his ego and he had an option to have a date now and then at HIS convenience. 
He kept you on the hook just because he could.
Now that you’re an inconvenience since you actually expect a phone call once in a blue moon and maybe a date, he pulled the plug.

It hurts dealing with this stuff, but don’t feel too badly. I’ve never had a long distance thing work out either. 
May thiughts are that he likely had other women he was communicating with.

If you knew the truth you’d be glad he’s history.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Evinrude58 said:


> I just want to tell you my opinion:
> 
> what he says to your face and what he really thinks are two totally different things.
> He is not stressed. Everyone is “stressed”.
> The distance is not bothering him.
> He just ain’t feeling’ it, GP.....
> 
> if a man really likes a woman, he’d be acting totally different. Totally. There’s nothing more to this than he’s just not feeling the same about you as you do him. He hasn’t called you in weeks. THAT is what you should pay attention to. But you did get some closure which I think is good. My only advice is that if you date a guy and he’s not investing the same effort in things as you are, don’t have sex with him and don’t get attached.
> He kept you dangling all this time because you were attractive enough, nice enough.... you boosted his ego and he had an option to have a date now and then at HIS convenience.
> He kept you on the hook just because he could.
> Now that you’re an inconvenience since you actually expect a phone call once in a blue moon and maybe a date, he pulled the plug.
> 
> It hurts dealing with this stuff, but don’t feel too badly. I’ve never had a long distance thing work out either.
> May thiughts are that he likely had other women he was communicating with.
> 
> If you knew the truth you’d be glad he’s history.


Yep....completely agree.

This guy either doesn't have the pair to be honest that he ain't feeling it, or he's going to leave that bridge intact just in case he has an itch down the road.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> I’m actually annoyed bc he said he has been stressed the last 2 weeks because of work. And I know I can be needy so I was trying to back off and give him space. So I decided to go camping alone for a weekend and give him space.
> 
> His biggest complaint to which he wanted to break up was because of the distance. And he said that he’s been stressed and it’s been really hard not having a partner near by, and the fact that we haven’t seen each other in 2 weekends was tough so he emotionally detached himself from me.
> 
> I’m upset because I was giving him space when he needed the opposite. But I didn’t know that because he didn’t tell me.


He sounds like he’d be too much work anyway girl. I think you dodged a bullet 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Girl_power

It’s crazy how fast guys can change their mind. He was all about it in the beginning. Making future plans, being super sweet, sex was great, constantly kissing my hand. Then I don’t see him for 2 weekends and he’s done. It probably is another girl.


----------



## Sfort

Girl_power said:


> It’s crazy how fast guys can change their mind. He was all about it in the beginning. Making future plans, being super sweet, sex was great, constantly kissing my hand. Then I don’t see him for 2 weekends and he’s done. It probably is another girl.


For some men and some women, it's about the chase and the conquest.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> It probably is another girl.


He was probably keeping his options open... updating his profile...


----------



## Sue4473

Evinrude58 said:


> I just want to tell you my opinion:
> 
> what he says to your face and what he really thinks are two totally different things.
> He is not stressed. Everyone is “stressed”.
> The distance is not bothering him.
> He just ain’t feeling’ it, GP.....
> 
> if a man really likes a woman, he’d be acting totally different. Totally. There’s nothing more to this than he’s just not feeling the same about you as you do him. He hasn’t called you in weeks. THAT is what you should pay attention to. But you did get some closure which I think is good. My only advice is that if you date a guy and he’s not investing the same effort in things as you are, don’t have sex with him and don’t get attached.
> He kept you dangling all this time because you were attractive enough, nice enough.... you boosted his ego and he had an option to have a date now and then at HIS convenience.
> He kept you on the hook just because he could.
> Now that you’re an inconvenience since you actually expect a phone call once in a blue moon and maybe a date, he pulled the plug.
> 
> It hurts dealing with this stuff, but don’t feel too badly. I’ve never had a long distance thing work out either.
> May thiughts are that he likely had other women he was communicating with.
> 
> If you knew the truth you’d be glad he’s history.


As much as I hate reading this and I know it hurts as GP. I can so resonate with what happened. Mine was almost identical and he gave excuses as well. But I see that mine wasn’t so “busy” as he claimed to be and that was just an excuse. I wish you lived close so we could go have a drink together and just be a support. And talk about the guys lol

I see what an a** mine was after reading what yours did to you. No one should go through that. EVER


----------



## Girl_power

I guess it wasn’t that bad. I mean it’s only been like 3ish months, I’m thankful he ended it as soon he wasn’t feeling it anymore. It’s cruel to drag things on, so I actually don’t see him as a bad guy.


----------



## Lila

@Girl_power I'm so sorry to hear you and your bf broke up. I know you were smitten and were so happy to have found someone who you liked. I know the right thing to say is "it's good he let you know now instead of later" but dammit, I know that **** hurts....a lot. While he did _eventually _let you know that he wasn't feeling it, there's no doubt he was trying to avoid telling you which is really childish. Part of dating is being able to take rejection but also having the guts to do the rejecting, and as anyone with any empathy will tell you, that's not easy to do. 

Anyways, I know you won't wish it because you're a nice person but I will. I hope he steps on some dog poop on his way to his next date. Maybe that'll teach him to be up front with his intentions. 🤗


----------



## Evinrude58

He did drag it out. He was never all in.
But, nobody can be “up front with their intentions”. It sometimes takes time to make up one’s mind. He stopped texting her. She really should have known.


----------



## Girl_power

Evinrude58 said:


> He did drag it out. He was never all in.
> But, nobody can be “up front with their intentions”. It sometimes takes time to make up one’s mind. He stopped texting her. She really should have known.


I did know. And he did it to prepare me which I think is kind. I knew it was coming.


----------



## Lila

Evinrude58 said:


> He did drag it out. He was never all in.
> But, nobody can be “up front with their intentions”. It sometimes takes time to make up one’s mind. *He stopped texting her. She really should have known.*


No, a fully functioning adult who isn't a conflict avoidant doesn't slow fade after *3 months* of dating, especially not after having a serious discussion only a month ago about exclusivity. It's pathetic behavior.


----------



## Girl_power

I don’t think it’s easy breaking up with someone. Especially when the other person didn’t do anything wrong. And I could tell he was super scared to tell me. He also told me he’s been yelled at for breaking up with previous relationships and it has “traumatized” him. I kept telling him dude it’s ok, and I could tell he was scared to do it. And then he was like wow your being so level headed about this. And my response was yea well I’m not going to convince you to want to try, it’s not a big deal. I mean come on… it’s been like 3 months and we’re 2 hours away, I don’t blame him one bit. It sucks and it hurts that we didn’t want the same thing, but I definitely do not blame him.


----------



## Girl_power

Lila said:


> No, a fully functioning adult who isn't a conflict avoidant doesn't slow fade after *3 months* of dating, especially not after having a serious discussion only a month ago about exclusivity. It's pathetic behavior.


I actually do agree with this. It’s weird that after 3 months this happened when he knew he liked me. Which I know he did, and people on here dont know but he did like me, he put in a lot of effort and was super romantic and made future plans with me. 

I personally think he isn’t ready for a commitment, and I just had a birthday that put me in an age where there is pressure to have kids, and I’m sure that scared him as well. He is conflict avoidant. I think there are issues there for sure.


----------



## Girl_power

Now I am going to be super petty, and post a bunch of pics looking hot tomorrow as I go out with a bunch of my friends lol. He knows I wasn’t that upset when he broke up with me, he was surprised by my reaction. I’m moving on. It was only 3 months.

He lives in a tiny tiny rural town with nothing to do. That’s why he puts his distance far when looking for a mate. 

The best revenge is being happy,


----------



## Lila

Girl_power said:


> He is conflict avoidant. I think there are issues there for sure.


That is a big, RED flag. Unless it's dealt with, conflict avoidant people end up passive aggressive when unhappy. The worse cases end up compulsive liars because it's easier to lie than to deal with the problem head on.


----------



## Girl_power

Lila said:


> That is a big, RED flag. Unless it's dealt with, conflict avoidant people end up passive aggressive when unhappy. The worse cases end up compulsive liars because it's easier to lie than to deal with the problem head on.


Thank you for this reminder!! It definitely helps me get over him.


----------



## Openminded

What he really hoped is that you would break up with him so he didn’t have to break up with you and be the bad guy. It was obvious from the beginning that he was passive. That trait extends to breaking up as well as everything else.


----------



## Girl_power

Openminded said:


> What he really hoped is that you would break up with him so he didn’t have to break up with you and be the bad guy. It was obvious from the beginning that he was passive. That trait extends to breaking up as well as everything else.


Ah that’s the worst!!

But I don’t think that’s what he was trying to do because he kept apologizing for being distant. And he was like work is overwhelming me, and that’s what’s making me stressed blah blah blah.


----------



## Evinrude58

Lila said:


> No, a fully functioning adult who isn't a conflict avoidant doesn't slow fade after *3 months* of dating, especially not after having a serious discussion only a month ago about exclusivity. It's pathetic behavior.


I never said it was the right thing or not pathetic. I’ve made several posts during her thread that the guy wasn’t all that into her.
Pathetic? Immature?

it happens every day. Probably half the population of people are conflict avoidant.
It is what it is. Also, the guy was keeping her around for sex when he wanted. “Oh he’d never do that”. Uh huh.
He drug things out when he knew he didn’t want her long term. Why?
Because he’s a peckerwood.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> Ah that’s the worst!!
> 
> But I don’t think that’s what he was trying to do because he kept apologizing for being distant. And he was like work is overwhelming me, and that’s what’s making me stressed blah blah blah.


why can’t you see the truth? He was doing exactly that. Totally passive and avoidant.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> Now I am going to be super petty, and post a bunch of pics looking hot tomorrow as I go out with a bunch of my friends lol. He knows I wasn’t that upset when he broke up with me, he was surprised by my reaction. I’m moving on. It was only 3 months.
> 
> He lives in a tiny tiny rural town with nothing to do. That’s why he puts his distance far when looking for a mate.
> 
> The best revenge is being happy,


do it. But move on. Find yourself a guy that badgers the heck out of you texting/calling so much.


----------



## Lila

Evinrude58 said:


> I never said it was the right thing or not pathetic. I’ve made several posts during her thread that the guy wasn’t all that into her.
> Pathetic? Immature?
> 
> it happens every day. Probably half the population of people are conflict avoidant.
> It is what it is. Also, the guy was keeping her around for sex when he wanted. “Oh he’d never do that”. Uh huh.
> He drug things out when he knew he didn’t want her long term. Why?
> Because he’s a peckerwood.


I'm not sure your intentions but this post and the one I initially replied to come off like you're saying @Girl_power got what she deserved. Yes, the guy is a passive, conflict avoidant peckerwood but saying this guy was only stringing her along for sex is dismissive of everything @Girl_power has said about her relationship with this guy. This isn't a case of good girl falling for the hot bad guy who then breaks her heart.


----------



## Evinrude58

I couldn’t delete my last post fast enough.
In all honesty, I was thinking about a different thread with a person that had a long distance thing with a guy and it was similar to this. But at no point was I trying to say this was her fault. But I was being dismissive of what she was saying—- but I was thinking of a different thread. Sorry.
Girl power, you seem like a good person and I hope you find a good guy.


----------



## In Absentia

I've lived with a conflict avoid person most of my life and it's no fun. You end up losing your identity.


----------



## Blondilocks

There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (female) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, he ain't all that into you.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (female) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, he ain't all that into you.


Or maybe just very shy... or maybe a small one?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Girl, let me share a story with you.

When I was in my early 20’s I met a guy online. OLD was much newer back then and we saw each other for a bit.

One day we went to a bowling alley to meet up with some of his friends. He proceeded to get drunk and make out with a 30 something ***** (boy, 30 something seemed old back then 🤣).

It was so ridiculous that his friends were apologizing to me. I excused myself to go to the restroom, got in my truck, and left.

A few months later I got a call from him where he kind of apologized and made excuses and went on about how I was such a nice girl, blah blah. 

I stopped him and told him that it was fine and no apology was necessary because he simply wasn't that important.

There was silence for a few seconds and then he came up with an excuse to hang up.

I never heard from him again.

I'm still proud of myself for this response.


----------



## Ms. Hawaii

Blondilocks said:


> There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (female) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, he ain't all that into you.


I agree with this. 

I remember your first thread about him. To me it looks like you were more invested than him. With OLD, you have learn to look at their actions. I have a 6 months rule with men I meet online. I invest as much as they do for the first 6 months and focus on their actions instead of their words. 

[some] Men will say anything to get laid or to get a date if they’re not getting lucky online. Most continue to look for “something better.” 

You gotta keep this in mind. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Sfort

Blondilocks said:


> There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (female) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, he ain't all that into you.


Then is this correct:

There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (male) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, she ain't all that into you.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

He's keeping a line in the water. He didn't exactly tell you he wasn't open to keep checking out other women. He just said he wasn't seeing anyone. But clearly he's keeping his options open. If you are still on a dating app so are you. It's pretty futile to seek a commitment of Faith from someone who is long distance because they can do whatever they want and just tell you they're committed in being faithful. I don't recommend that you give him any exclusion rights because the only power you're going to have it all is if you are just as free to date other people as he is. 

It is just too easy for men to just keep doing what they've been doing long distance. I'm struggling to think of an instance when they actually were being faithful. Men are very visual and need to have you in front of them to remain attached. 

So my best advice is do not bring up the exclusion again which you already hinted around at. And if he brings it up, tell him since you're both long distance and there's no actual way to know what is going on that you don't see the point in pretending to be exclusive and that you should just keep dating and enjoying life together as much as possible and see where it leads. For anything to work at some point you're going to have to be in the same town and at that point then is the time to be exclusive. 

Meanwhile if I were you I would keep my options open.


----------



## frusdil

Sue4473 said:


> I’m so sorry. I know all too well how it feels. *What did he do as in job? You said he was overwhelmed with his job*. I guess none of it matters now but if you’re like me- I still question a lot of things of my past relationships.
> 
> Hugs to you.
> Sue


Sue that doesn't matter. That was just an excuse, and a pathetic one at that. If it wasn't that it would have been something else "stressing" him. Oh please. 

It'd be different if a man rang a woman and said "Omg, I'm so sorry I was such a **** and forgot our date lastnight, I had a shocking day and was so stressed I forgot. Can I make it up to you and take you out tonight?" and it only happened *ONCE*. 

This "I couldn't pick up the damn phone for 3 weeks because I'm so stressed from work" bs...nope. Piss him off. Next!


----------



## frusdil

lifeistooshort said:


> Girl, let me share a story with you.
> 
> When I was in my early 20’s I met a guy online. OLD was much newer back then and we saw each other for a bit.
> 
> One day we went to a bowling alley to meet up with some of his friends. He proceeded to get drunk and make out with a 30 something *** (boy, 30 something seemed old back then 🤣).
> 
> It was so ridiculous that his friends were apologizing to me. I excused myself to go to the restroom, got in my truck, and left.
> 
> A few months later I got a call from him where he kind of apologized and made excuses and went on about how I was such a nice girl, blah blah.
> 
> I stopped him and told him that it was fine and no apology was necessary because he simply wasn't that important.
> 
> There was silence for a few seconds and then he came up with an excuse to hang up.
> 
> I never heard from him again.
> 
> I'm still proud of myself for this response.


Are you my sister from another mother? 😂 I have an almost identical story lol!

In my early 20's, I went on a date with this (so I thought) really nice, gorgeous bloke. I couldn't believe my luck! We went to the movies, we'd just got our tickets and were sitting in the cinema cafe having a drink when two of his friends, a married couple, arrived and saw us together. They came over and I couldn't understand why everyone seemed so awkward. After a couple of minutes of awkward conversation it was very apparent to them that I had no clue that the bloke I was with was married!!! I was mortified. Excused myself to "pop to the bathroom" before the movie started, and left. Called my Dad and he came picked me up.

I got the same phone call a few months later, he was so sorry blah blah, the marriage was dead, his wife didn't understand him yada yada. Whatevs. My response was pretty much the same as yours, ok maybe a tad more colourful when I ended it suggesting he may want to do something to himself 😂


----------



## aine

If you are feeling on edge about him, and this very new relationship is already causing you so much angst, I think it is time to move on. No new relationship is worth losing sleep over. You may have to do some inner work yourself first before you are ready to meet Mr Right.

Sorry I was late to the party too, you broke up!


----------



## aine

Girl_power said:


> I’m actually annoyed bc he said he has been stressed the last 2 weeks because of work. And I know I can be needy so I was trying to back off and give him space. So I decided to go camping alone for a weekend and give him space.
> 
> His biggest complaint to which he wanted to break up was because of the distance. And he said that he’s been stressed and it’s been really hard not having a partner near by, and the fact that we haven’t seen each other in 2 weekends was tough so he emotionally detached himself from me.
> 
> I’m upset because I was giving him space when he needed the opposite. But I didn’t know that because he didn’t tell me.



Yeah right! A load of codswallop that is! I thought you said he lived in a small rural town with not much to do? When a man is really into a girl, he will swim rivers, climb mountains, (you get my drift). My H and I did the long distance thing, flew over and back to see each other, wrote letters, (long before email) etc. If he is feeling it, it will happen. He put work before you. I am glad you broke up, he was not the one for you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Sfort said:


> Then is this correct:
> 
> There is a lesson to be learned here: If you (male) have to initiate the first sexual encounter, she ain't all that into you.


Nope. This kind of bean counting overlooks the differences between men and women.

Men like to pursue and we all know it.

Unless you wish to argue that it's as easy for men to get laid as it is for women.....

I initiated exactly one 1st sexual encounter a long time ago and I can absolutely tell you that while he went along with it he wasn't that in to me..

I didn't with my current guy, though I'm sure I made ny interest known. He had no problem initiating it and still has no problem, though now that we have an actual relationship I will do some. I'm extremely into him and always was.


----------



## joannacroc

lifeistooshort said:


> Girl, let me share a story with you.
> 
> When I was in my early 20’s I met a guy online. OLD was much newer back then and we saw each other for a bit.
> 
> One day we went to a bowling alley to meet up with some of his friends. He proceeded to get drunk and make out with a 30 something *** (boy, 30 something seemed old back then 🤣).
> 
> It was so ridiculous that his friends were apologizing to me. I excused myself to go to the restroom, got in my truck, and left.
> 
> A few months later I got a call from him where he kind of apologized and made excuses and went on about how I was such a nice girl, blah blah.
> 
> I stopped him and told him that it was fine and no apology was necessary because he simply wasn't that important.
> 
> There was silence for a few seconds and then he came up with an excuse to hang up.
> 
> I never heard from him again.
> 
> I'm still proud of myself for this response.


Haha that is savage, as my son would say. Good for you.


----------



## Sue4473

frusdil said:


> Sue that doesn't matter. That was just an excuse, and a pathetic one at that. If it wasn't that it would have been something else "stressing" him. Oh please.
> 
> It'd be different if a man rang a woman and said "Omg, I'm so sorry I was such a **** and forgot our date lastnight, I had a shocking day and was so stressed I forgot. Can I make it up to you and take you out tonight?" and it only happened *ONCE*.
> 
> This "I couldn't pick up the damn phone for 3 weeks because I'm so stressed from work" bs...nope. Piss him off. Next!


No you’re right- I’m still learning. Lol
I do know now that the teacher guy was feeding me lots of excuses. Thank you for trying to steer me in my lane! Multiple times 😂😂


----------



## Sue4473

@Girl_power 
How are you? You doing ok


----------



## Girl_power

Sue4473 said:


> @Girl_power
> How are you? You doing ok


I’m ok. Nights are the worst because I get lonely and sad and I just want to text him. I will not allow myself to do that obviously. 

Im staying busy though. I went out yesterday with a big group of friends and that was awesome. I was busy today, but now that it’s evening I’m feeling vulnerable. 

I know this too shall pass. I will not text him. I know as days pass it will get easier and easier. And of course I’m secretly hoping he will text me and tell me he misses me and wants to try again.


----------



## Girl_power

I also keep stalking online dating sites with a fake account to see if he is on there yet lol.


----------



## Sue4473

Girl_power said:


> I’m ok. Nights are the worst because I get lonely and sad and I just want to text him. I will not allow myself to do that obviously.
> 
> Im staying busy though. I went out yesterday with a big group of friends and that was awesome. I was busy today, but now that it’s evening I’m feeling vulnerable.
> 
> I know this too shall pass. I will not text him. I know as days pass it will get easier and easier. And of course I’m secretly hoping he will text me and tell me he misses me and wants to try again.


Well I can’t say I haven’t done all of the above!
I texted. And kept texting for some smidge of hope. But no. And yes, I stalked the online and yep he’s on it. New profile pic too. 
it’s just recently about a month ago, I just kept feeling ill of him. Getting mad and thinking I deserve better. And really? I could care less to know what he’s doing or who he’s chatting with online. Yes I did hang on. I do think this is normal, so don’t feel bad. And I kept him on Facebook and unfriended last month due to me looking on it often. Which in turn made me in a bad mood. Cause his excuses of oh I’m soooooo busy reflected different from his posts and his online activity.

Hang in there.


----------



## frusdil

Sue4473 said:


> No you’re right- I’m still learning. Lol
> I do know now that the teacher guy was feeding me lots of excuses. Thank you for trying to steer me in my lane! Multiple times 😂😂


Haha, as I was reading your reply to GP I was facepalming and saying "Sue, have I taught you nothing?!?" 🤣🤣


----------



## Sue4473

frusdil said:


> Haha, as I was reading your reply to GP I was facepalming and saying "Sue, have I taught you nothing?!?" 🤣🤣


🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Girl_power

Well well well… guess who wants to try again.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> Well well well… guess who wants to try again.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


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----------



## Elizabeth001

His “someone a little better” than you didn’t work out. I’m pissed the eff off for you right now. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

Sounds like your other ex-boyfriend who wanted to retry at least three times IIRC. “No” is a good word to learn.


----------



## Girl_power

Actually when he broke up with me he was like I’m surprised that your so leveled headed about this and not mad. And my response was… well I don’t want to break up, I want to work things out. But I am not going to convince you to be with me. And he was like I think I might regret this… blah blah. After that conversation on the phone, I texted him right after and was like are you sure this is what you want? And he said no, I’m not 100% sure. And I said to him well think about it, and text me in a week or two or three and check in with me. It’s been one week exactly.


----------



## heartsbeating

Girl_power said:


> Actually when he broke up with me he was like I’m surprised that your so leveled headed about this and not mad. And my response was… well I don’t want to break up, I want to work things out. But I am not going to convince you to be with me. And he was like I think I might regret this… blah blah. After that conversation on the phone, I texted him right after and was like are you sure this is what you want? And he said no, I’m not 100% sure. And I said to him well think about it, and text me in a week or two or three and check in with me. It’s been one week exactly.


That throws a different light on things. 

You left the door wide-open for his return and here he is.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Now you have him by the 🥜


----------



## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> Now you have him by the 🥜


How so? I'm interested in your thoughts as it's the opposite to how I'd interpret the dynamic.


----------



## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> How so? I'm interested in your thoughts as it's the opposite to how I'd interpret the dynamic.


When he comes to her like he has then GP is in a position where she can:

Serve him up a big slice of rejection on a cold plate.
String him along for a while to make him sweat, then cave.
Agree to try again but with stipulations on his behavior. Ex. How available he is, etc...
Say “sure ok” and then release the pressure he may be feeling while waiting for an answer.


----------



## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> When he comes to her like he has then GP is in a position where she can:
> 
> Serve him up a big slice of rejection on a cold plate.
> String him along for a while to make him sweat, then cave.
> Agree to try again but with stipulations on his behavior. Ex. How available he is, etc...
> Say “sure ok” and then release the pressure he may be feeling while waiting for an answer.


Good points, thank you.

I interpreted it as a demonstration that she's more into him than he is her... and therefore, more 'leverage' (sounds awful) sits with him.

He's less invested; therefore, has less to lose.


----------



## dubsey

heartsbeating said:


> Good points, thank you.
> 
> I interpreted it as a demonstration that she's more into him than he is her... and therefore, more 'leverage' (sounds awful) sits with him.
> 
> He's less invested; therefore, has less to lose.


I think this is all true, but can be remediated by what @ccpowerslave suggested. I think he was a bit weirded out and probably wanted her to push for him more when he dialed it back.


----------



## heartsbeating

dubsey said:


> I think this is all true, but can be remediated by what he suggested. I think he was a bit weirded out and probably wanted her to push for him more when he dialed it back.


Another good potential point raised!


----------



## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> Good points, thank you.
> 
> I interpreted it as a demonstration that she's more into him than he is her... and therefore, more 'leverage' (sounds awful) sits with him.
> 
> He's less invested; therefore, has less to lose.


I wasn’t suggesting it because I don’t know how she feels about him but she seems very tough to me and wouldn’t be smitten with someone who broke up with her once already.

In that case since he is now coming to her he has put himself in the vulnerable position of being rejected.

If one was so inclined they could let him twist in the wind a bit even if they were going to try again.

Now I would never do something like this myself as I am a nice young man. I’m just pointing it out as an option that exists.


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> I wasn’t suggesting it because I don’t know how she feels about him but she seems very tough to me and wouldn’t be smitten with someone who broke up with her once already.
> 
> In that case since he is now coming to her he has put himself in the vulnerable position of being rejected.
> 
> If one was so inclined they could let him twist in the wind a bit even if they were going to try again.
> 
> Now I would never do something like this myself as I am a nice young man. I’m just pointing it out as an option that exists.


You never know. I technically broke up with my dude b/c I thought I thought I was more invested than him after several months of dating and I didn't like the imbalance.

But he responded immediately and didn't have to think about it for a week, cause I'd have let him stay gone then. I wasn't playing games either, it was **** or get off the pot time, and he knew I meant it. Ain't nobody has time for someone half-assing it.

What does your gut tell you Girl_Power?


----------



## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> I wasn’t suggesting it because I don’t know how she feels about him but she seems very tough to me and wouldn’t be smitten with someone who broke up with her once already.
> 
> In that case since he is now coming to her he has put himself in the vulnerable position of being rejected.
> 
> If one was so inclined they could let him twist in the wind a bit even if they were going to try again.
> 
> *Now I would never do something like this myself as I am a nice young man. I’m just pointing it out as an option that exists.*


Gotcha... by the way, I didn't think otherwise - as in, I figured you were pointing out potential options of the scenario.


----------



## heartsbeating

I might be uneducated with dating these days, and maybe I'm a bit cold-hearted, only @Girl_power knows the ins and outs of the connection, personally if it's only been (I think) 2-3months and he's already broken it off and there's communication about 'working it out' I would be thinking it's not for the long-run. But, whadda I know? Likely not much


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> You never know. I technically broke up with my dude b/c I thought I thought I was more invested than him after several months of dating and I didn't like the imbalance.
> 
> But he responded immediately and didn't have to think about it for a week, cause I'd have let him stay gone then. I wasn't playing games either, it was **** or get off the pot time, and he knew I meant it. Ain't nobody has time for someone half-assing it.
> 
> What does your gut tell you Girl_Power?


I consider this differently though, as you were coming from a place of wanting commitment and determining that otherwise you were ready to move on... whereas it comes across to me, unless I've misinterpreted, that he broke it off due to half-hearted reasoning which would indicate to this cold-heart that he wasn't that into her. He wasn't telling her he really wanted to meet up and such; he let time pass and then stated what he did. 

hmm I don't know... really, what DO I know? hahah.. not much! @Girl_power how are you feeling and perceiving things at the moment?


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> I consider this differently though, as you were coming from a place of wanting commitment and determining that otherwise you were ready to move on... whereas it comes across to me, unless I've misinterpreted, that he broke it off due to half-hearted reasoning which would indicate to this cold-heart that he wasn't that into her. He wasn't telling her he really wanted to meet up and such; he let time pass and then stated what he did.
> 
> hmm I don't know... really, what DO I know? hahah.. not much! @Girl_power how are you feeling and perceiving things at the moment?


Exactly! He's coming across as best weak and indecisive, at worst, trying out some other honey before returning to Girl_Power's pot.


----------



## In Absentia

ccpowerslave said:


> When he comes to her like he has then GP is in a position where she can:
> 
> Serve him up a big slice of rejection on a cold plate.
> String him along for a while to make him sweat, then cave.
> Agree to try again but with stipulations on his behavior. Ex. How available he is, etc...
> Say “sure ok” and then release the pressure he may be feeling while waiting for an answer.


Is this a good base for a relationship?


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> Actually when he broke up with me he was like I’m surprised that your so leveled headed about this and not mad. And my response was… well I don’t want to break up, I want to work things out. But I am not going to convince you to be with me. And he was like I think I might regret this… blah blah. After that conversation on the phone,* I texted him right after and was like are you sure this is what you want? And he said no, I’m not 100% sure. And I said to him well think about it, and text me in a week or two or three and check in with me.* It’s been one week exactly.


I'm sorry, this screams desperate. And, if he was wanting you to 'fight' for him - that's needy on his part. He's coming across as a delicate little thing that requires a fainting couch. I'm not suggesting you go for a knuckle dragger - just a man who knows where his balls are.


----------



## In Absentia

We can all have doubts. But I would ask myself: do I want to go out with someone who's not 100% sure of his feelings?


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sorry, this screams desperate. And, if he was wanting you to 'fight' for him - that's needy on his part. He's coming across as a delicate little thing that requires a fainting couch. I'm not suggesting you go for a knuckle dragger - just a man who knows where his balls are.


Have I told you lately how much I dig ya? @Blondilocks


----------



## ccpowerslave

In Absentia said:


> Is this a good base for a relationship?


No I was just amused that the tables had turned. I haven’t had this experience with a woman but I have with a job, and when they called back I told them to pound sand.


----------



## Girl_power

Openminded said:


> Sounds like your other ex-boyfriend who wanted to retry at least three times IIRC. “No” is a good word to learn.


My other ex boyfriend situation was different. That was… I was unhappy, told him why and what I needed, he didn’t change, I broke up with him and he came back crying and begging telling me he would change and never take me forever granted again. I said we can try again, and he didn’t change so I broke up with him. 

This guy broke up with me. I didn’t want to break up with him. He pulled himself away from me because he knew he wanted to break up with me because he couldn’t handle the distance.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> When he comes to her like he has then GP is in a position where she can:
> 
> Serve him up a big slice of rejection on a cold plate.
> String him along for a while to make him sweat, then cave.
> Agree to try again but with stipulations on his behavior. Ex. How available he is, etc...
> Say “sure ok” and then release the pressure he may be feeling while waiting for an answer.


100%

I am going to try again, but I will not have sex with him until I feel super secure and safe in this relationship. If he can’t make me feel that way, then goodbye. He has a lot to prove.


----------



## CN2622

Girl_power said:


> 100%
> 
> I am going to try again, but I will not have sex with him until I feel super secure and safe in this relationship. If he can’t make me feel that way, then goodbye. He has a lot to prove.


I am rooting for you and I hope he doesn’t hurt you. You seem like a great person and I know sometimes it’s probably hard to hold back but you deserve true love and a man to support you!


----------



## Girl_power

heartsbeating said:


> I might be uneducated with dating these days, and maybe I'm a bit cold-hearted, only @Girl_power knows the ins and outs of the connection, personally if it's only been (I think) 2-3months and he's already broken it off and there's communication about 'working it out' I would be thinking it's not for the long-run. But, whadda I know? Likely not much


It was the distance according to him. I get it…. 2hrs is a lot. It requires a lot of work from both parties and I was giving him space when in fact that was the opposite of what he needed. Who knows.


----------



## Girl_power

My feelings on it are that he’s a scared little kid who was freaked out about the distance and commitment. I can be a little..: much sometimes lol.
My stance is that I am giving him the OPPORTUNITY to try again with me. I’m not going to be vulnerable with him until I feel really secure and he proves a lot to me. Also, I am not getting off dating sites yet and I am still taking to other men. 

I’ve been stalking multiple dating sites with fake accounts and he has not rejoined yet so that’s a good sign. I am ok letting this relationship go if he doesn’t put in the effort I require.


----------



## Girl_power

And I’m sure he thinks he has the upper hand and he is going to try to come at me trying to establish his own rules. I am prepared for this lol.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> And I’m sure he thinks he has the upper hand


Why?


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> Why?


I think a lot of people on this forum thinks he does.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> I think a lot of people on this forum thinks he does.


But why _do you think_ he thinks he has the upper hand? Because people think you slept with him too quickly? We are not in Medieval times...


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> I think a lot of people on this forum thinks he does.


I agree they do but that kind of thinking seems backwards to me.

If you come to me and ask for something then I can reject and say no. The power to say no IS the upper hand. That is when you have leverage and can negotiate things.

GP’s approach of remaining distant until he proves he can provide what she needs also allows her to retain power in that she’s less likely to be hurt by him if she’s not emotionally invested yet.

The question is, can she do it?

I think yes because right now he doesn’t sound that great at least from this thread. He seems like a project.


----------



## Cooper

GP as I have read along about all the ongoing issues with this guy I keep wondering "why?why?why?". Why do you keep trying with him? With all the negative what is so powerfully positive that makes him worth it? I just don't get it.


----------



## m.t.t

I feel like I don't have the right to comment on relationships atm, but, it feels like you are trying too hard to make this work. The thing is nothing has really changed, the passivity, the distance... 

Also, what stuck in my head was the two or three weekends/weeks in a row you didn't see one another because you both had stuff on. You need to be at least seeing each other weekly at the minimum to keep the connection, especially at this early stage. 

I'm supporting you but I'm not convinced you are not beating a dead horse (I hope you have that saying over there too )


----------



## Girl_power

m.t.t said:


> I feel like I don't have the right to comment on relationships atm, but, it feels like you are trying too hard to make this work. The thing is nothing has really changed, the passivity, the distance...
> 
> Also, what stuck in my head was the two or three weekends/weeks in a row you didn't see one another because you both had stuff on. You need to be at least seeing each other weekly at the minimum to keep the connection, especially at this early stage.
> 
> I'm supporting you but I'm not convinced you are not beating a dead horse (I hope you have that saying over there too )


I don’t care about the distance as long as both of us put in effort. I don’t care that he is passive but he needs to improve his communication for sure. We both do. 

About the 3 weekends we didn’t see each other, I could have seen him but I chose not to because I thought he needed space and I was trying to give him space. I think he wants to try again because he realized I was trying to give him space.


----------



## Girl_power

In Absentia said:


> But why _do you think_ he thinks he has the upper hand? Because people think you slept with him too quickly? We are not in Medieval times...


Because if I were him I would think I have the upper hand.


----------



## Girl_power

Cooper said:


> GP as I have read along about all the ongoing issues with this guy I keep wondering "why?why?why?". Why do you keep trying with him? With all the negative what is so powerfully positive that makes him worth it? I just don't get it.


Because I like him. We had a great time together until he decided to emotionally detach himself from me because of the distance.


----------



## In Absentia

Girl_power said:


> Because if I were him I would think I have the upper hand.


Still clear as mad, but that's ok...


----------



## sideways

This is just my opinion but I think you're just delaying the inevitable. 

Something to think about.

I don't see it just being a distance issue but based upon how you've described him he's not a fit in something that you need from a companion and that's frequent communication. 

I'd be surprised if he ups his game and starts to communicate more via texts and phone calls, but ok, let's say he does indeed do this. How long will you be good with texts and phone calls? Your love language seems to be touch and if your honest with yourself this arrangement won't be meeting this need.

Only you can answer this, but how long would you be good with this distance arrangement? 

Would you be willing to move where he is, because I'd be surprised if would be willing to move to where you live?

Who knows this could all work out for you, but in my humble opinion the odds say that somewhere down the line you'll be right back where you were a few days ago dealing with a break up. Yes at least you'll feel like you gave it a go and you won't have any regrets.

Dating isn't just finding the right partner it's also being the right partner. Knowing who you are and not just what you can give another person but what you need as well.

I think you've put yourself behind the eight ball right out of the gate with this guy because you're not ultimately going to get a primary need of yours in a relationship met (frequent touch). Also dating a guy who lives two hours away sure doesn't help things either.

I could be wrong on this assessment, and if I am please accept my apology. I don't think you're looking for a short term relationship. If that's the case the odds say with the current arrangement and what you're looking for this isn't going to work with this guy and thus why I said you're just delaying the inevitable.

Are you out in the country where your options are limited? If that's the case I understand the distance arrangement. If it isn't why not improve your odds of finding the right guy by desiring someone to be closer to you and will also hopefully help you see this person more frequently as opposed to having to text and phone each other most of the time.

Just something to think about.


----------



## m.t.t

Girl_power said:


> I don’t care about the distance as long as both of us put in effort. I don’t care that he is passive but he needs to improve his communication for sure. We both do.


I think you might be wanting him to change. I'm just not sure that someone can be better and try harder after a week. 

After 3 weeks I would feel like the relationship might be over not just giving someone space. 3 weeks is a hell of a long time! The fact that you both allowed it to happen I think is telling for the future. Relationship anxiety sucks, I think you need something easier and a better fit than this guy. Sorry @Girl_power


----------



## Girl_power

I love everyone’s opinions thanks! And trust me, i am being smart about this one. Which doesn’t mean it will pay off, but relationships are always a crapshoot.


----------



## joannacroc

I'm a big believer in somebody not having to tell you twice that they aren't interested. If he says he isn't interested and breaks up with you, that says a lot. If he now comes back won't you always be wondering, if he came back because he couldn't find someone better and he settled? 

I would be very wary of texting someone who broke up with me or creating fake accounts to stalk exes on dating sites. You're going down the rabbithole here. Have an awareness of what was missing so you know for the future what you're looking for in a partner. Dignity is a great quality to have for yourself. You seem like a great catch but that you don't really know it.


----------



## dubsey

I'm usually very anti-passive-aggressive crap, but I think for now, you need to react to him and not lead for a bit. He's gotta earn his way back inside the circle of trust.


----------



## Girl_power

I’m just going to be my happy pleasant self and I won’t sleep with him until I feel he has proved to me. And I will not be leading or pursing. But I will tell him that he needs be communicate better if he wants this to work. And that’s it… I will sit back and see what happens. No pressure at all.


----------



## Blondilocks

Unless he finds a way to condense time and space, that two-hour distance isn't going away. You gave it a shot - it didn't work. New pics for your dating sites - let him secretly stalk you and worry.


----------



## Girl_power

I’m happy, I’m in a great mood, I have a week off from work and I am not stressing about anything. Life is good.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> I’m happy, I’m in a great mood, I have a week off from work and I am not stressing about anything. Life is good.


How is your knee doing?


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> How is your knee doing?


It’s ok. It’s super swollen right now. There isn’t much pain but it’s swollen.


----------



## Evinrude58

I say dump him.
Doesn’t know, 2 hr distance..... whine whine. 
If he wanted you like he should, he’s beat your door down. He’s drive two hours every day if he had to. You shouldn’t settle for dating a man who doesn’t want you badly.


----------



## RebuildingMe

He has the upper hand because he broke up with you, you didn’t want to, you told him that and then you took him back a day later. All of his “issues” to why he broke up with you still exist. What makes you think investing more time into this guy is going to be any different a week later? I’m confused. Is there no better options for you right now? It sounds to me like you enjoy playing the role of a beaten puppy that keeps coming back hoping things will change.


----------



## Cletus

My god, this endless relationship analysis is exhausting. How do you people do it?


----------



## Torninhalf

Cletus said:


> My god, this endless relationship analysis is exhausting. How do you people do it?


I was kind of thinking the same thing. 😂

If you like the guy and are compatible I say go for it. 2 hours isn’t crazy long distance. See where it goes with out a label. I know for me it sounds perfect. 😂


----------



## Girl_power

I love reading insults about myself and how I have such low self esteem and how I am going back to someone who doesn’t want me like a beaten puppy. Touch crowd lol.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Girl_power said:


> I love reading insults about myself and how I have such low self esteem and how I am going back to someone who doesn’t want me like a beaten puppy. Touch crowd lol.


Sorry. I wasn’t trying to insult you. I was just trying to make a point that you go back to the well often with no better results. Time is better spent investing in someone new then fixing someone who’s broken.


----------



## Girl_power

RebuildingMe said:


> Sorry. I wasn’t trying to insult you. I was just trying to make a point that you go back to the well often with no better results. Time is better spent investing in someone new then fixing someone who’s broken.


I’m not denying new people if you read what I have posted.


----------



## joannacroc

Girl_power said:


> I love reading insults about myself and how I have such low self esteem and how I am going back to someone who doesn’t want me like a beaten puppy. Touch crowd lol.


Sorry, I wasn't trying to insult you. Just concerned that you aren't giving yourself enough credit as a person - in the end we're just a bunch of internet strangers. People can and do, do whatever they want with the advice they've been given. And I expect you probably will, just like I did. Some folks on TAM told me stuff I didn't want to hear but in the end I like to think it was well-intended and sometimes, spot-on.


----------



## Blondilocks

Hey, we think you are quite the catch. Just don't settle because he is the only one knocking on your door at the moment. He's already proven he isn't up to the task.


----------



## m.t.t

Evinrude58 said:


> I say dump him.
> Doesn’t know, 2 hr distance..... whine whine.
> *If he wanted you like he should, he’s beat your door down. He’s drive two hours every day if he had to. * You shouldn’t settle for dating a man who doesn’t want you badly.


That would make him obsessive I would think, but not seeing you at all for those weeks and being ok with it this early on, he isn't all in. 

I've only really just found out how passive My ex-husband was/is after he told his current partner that he wants to end the relationship, he wants her to move out that he doesn't love her and it's not working. She responded to this by saying well I'm going to try harder and I'm not going anywhere. They are currently on a trip together. I checked in with him weeks later as it will impact our child when/if they separate he said I told her how I felt and what I wanted but she is just pretending it's all fine so I can't do much more until she realizes that it's over. They have been together for 18 months. He said she is bending over backwards trying but I'm done. So for him he said It's over I'm not feeling it and that is enough in his mind about communicating about it. I just hope she doesn't waste 20 years with him as I did just trying to make it work when he isn't in at all and she isn't loved. Just like I hope you don't keep trying and waste your time, he isn't going to turn into a good communicator.


----------



## Girl_power

m.t.t said:


> That would make him obsessive I would think, but not seeing you at all for those weeks and being ok with it this early on, he isn't all in.
> 
> I've only really just found out how passive My ex-husband was/is after he told his current partner that he wants to end the relationship, he wants her to move out that he doesn't love her and it's not working. She responded to this by saying well I'm going to try harder and I'm not going anywhere. They are currently on a trip together. I checked in with him weeks later as it will impact our child when/if they separate he said I told her how I felt and what I wanted but she is just pretending it's all fine so I can't do much more until she realizes that it's over. They have been together for 18 months. He said she is bending over backwards trying but I'm done. So for him he said It's over I'm not feeling it and that is enough in his mind about communicating about it. I just hope she doesn't waste 20 years with him as I did just trying to make it work when he isn't in at all and she isn't loved. Just like I hope you don't keep trying and waste your time, he isn't going to turn into a good communicator.


God that sounds awful. I would never ever do that and I am nothing like that.


----------



## m.t.t

Girl_power said:


> God that sounds awful. I would never ever do that and I am nothing like that.


 No I don't think you are at all! I'm just talking about communication and passive men.

and yes it's awful. It's also awful as she thinks it's all fine now because he hasn't communicated that he wants out again but he feels that she knows that he does and it's over because he said so months ago.


----------



## heartsbeating

Girl_power said:


> And I’m sure he thinks he has the upper hand and he is going to try to come at me trying to establish his own rules. I am prepared for this lol.


For good measure, I wasn't trying to predict how he might interact from here.

More just that I interpret that you're more invested than him. 

And I think being with someone who is equally / mutually invested is more conducive for long-term relationships.

Personally, it sounds exhausting to think about how to navigate with self-imposed rules and notions that he now needs to 'prove' himself in a certain way.

The collective TAM observations based on what you have shared are no doubt well-intentioned. 

Wishing you the best.


----------



## Girl_power

V


----------



## Sue4473

Girl_power said:


> V


How’s it going GP?


----------



## Girl_power

Sue4473 said:


> How’s it going GP?


Ah he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m moving on. I’ve never ever not known what I’ve wanted so I don’t understand how he feels. But I am actually feeling fine!


----------



## Sue4473

Girl_power said:


> Ah he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m moving on. I’ve never ever not known what I’ve wanted so I don’t understand how he feels. But I am actually feeling fine!


Is that what he said? Wow. Tell him well I’ll let you figure it out lol


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> Ah he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m moving on. I’ve never ever not known what I’ve wanted so I don’t understand how he feels. But I am actually feeling fine!


Close that chapter and don't look back. A person who doesn't know what they want is a pain in the ass.


----------



## Girl_power

Blondilocks said:


> Close that chapter and don't look back. A person who doesn't know what they want is a pain in the ass.


100%

I honestly do not understand how someone doesn’t know what they want. It’s so weird to me. I 100% know that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me 100% so there you go lol.


----------



## Evinrude58

He wants your ego boosts. He wants the possibility of a date if he’s lonely. If I’m in front of a buffet and I’m hungry, I can find what I want. What one wants is no mystery to the person wanting. He thinks a tastier meal is around the corner. You are right to move on.


----------



## Sue4473

Evinrude58 said:


> He wants your ego boosts. He wants the possibility of a date if he’s lonely. If I’m in front of a buffet and I’m hungry, I can find what I want. What one wants is no mystery to the person wanting. He thinks a tastier meal is around the corner. You are right to move on.


Why is that so? A lot of men have the grass is greener syndrome- or they think hey I can do better… why?


----------



## Evinrude58

Sue4473 said:


> Why is that so? A lot of men have the grass is greener syndrome- or they think hey I can do better… why?


Because until they meet the right one, that’s how it is. Until a person meets someone that checks off on all their list of needs, they’re going to want to keep looking.
I assure you it isn’t just men.
Men: Do I feel that she is pretty enough to make me feel proud of her when out in front of others?
Does she meet my needs sexually?
Would she be a good mother?
Is she intelligent? Fun talking to her? 
do we get along?
Is she clean? Do our morals and goals match? Would she be faithful?
How much do I love her? Do I admire and resoect

women:
What is his social status?
Does he earn enough to provide me security and exciting trips, cars, a nice home?
Is he handsome enough?
Is he fun to talk to? Does he make me laugh? Am I proud of him when I introduce him to my friends? 
mid he trustworthy? Do I respect him?

Until one meets someone that checks all the boxes, they usually don’t fall in love with the person and are looking for a person that does.


----------



## Livvie

Or it could be as simple as he wasn't totally lost his mind on fire about you and the 2 hour long distance was an obstacle he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with.

Long distance can get old after awhile.


----------



## Livvie

Evinrude58 said:


> Because until they meet the right one, that’s how it is. Until a person meets someone that checks off on all their list of needs, they’re going to want to keep looking.


Yes, this.


----------



## Girl_power

I personally think it’s a lot of things. I think I am actually really good for him from his point of view (minus the fact that I am a little older). I’m prettier than his last ex girlfriend, my body is nicer, we both enjoy the same hobbies, we’re both adventurous and Christian. I’m stable, I have a great secure job with great hours. 

The only negative things I can think about from his point of view are my age, the distance, and I think I’m a little more type a, goal oriented than he would probably prefer if I’m guessing. The other negative thing is that it’s all about perception… I think I gave myself too quickly and Easily that causes some men to perceive me as either desperate, or not special, or not hard enough to get if that makes sense. And I don’t only mean sexually. 

I also think that he is not ready to settle down. He lives like a bachelor, his lifestyle is like that as well. He is only 33, going to be 34 n a few months. I just turned 35, and we talked about it a little. And I think he knows with my personality that I will want to move this relationship along quickly…. Which is kinda true. To me, it’s not quick but it’s how one should date in their 30s when they want kids. He is the type of person who is like oh you need yo date for at least 2 years before thinking about living together or getting engaged etc. he has never had a relationship last past 2 years. I think that is telling. I think he loves being in a relationship but when its time to make the big commitment, it freaks him out. This is my guess anyway. 

I think he is a great catch and I can imagine every girl he had dated probably wants to marry him. He really is great. Which leads me to think he has commitment issues. 

His last girlfriend broke up with him after 2 years. He told me that it was because she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. I don’t believe this from all my social media stalking lol. I found her Pinterest account and she had a whole wedding board that she created when they were together. 

There is something off with him. I mean he’s clearly great, but I think he is scared of commitment. I think it’s also telling who you hang out with. His best friend is way younger than him. Like looking at pictures Of them together you could tell there is a huge age gap. Anyway, he recently got engaged so that’s at least good at hopefully influencing this guy. Another thing I remember was we were talking about age or something and he basically said he feels like he is his sisters age, his sister is 4 years younger. (Even though his sister is married with a kid). But I think he doesn’t want to grow up and settle down or he has fear of it. And I am 100% not the free spirit go with the flow hippie type that he is. And I think that is another negative about me from his point of view.


----------



## Sue4473

Girl_power said:


> I personally think it’s a lot of things. I think I am actually really good for him from his point of view (minus the fact that I am a little older). I’m prettier than his last ex girlfriend, my body is nicer, we both enjoy the same hobbies, we’re both adventurous and Christian. I’m stable, I have a great secure job with great hours.
> 
> The only negative things I can think about from his point of view are my age, the distance, and I think I’m a little more type a, goal oriented than he would probably prefer if I’m guessing. The other negative thing is that it’s all about perception… I think I gave myself too quickly and Easily that causes some men to perceive me as either desperate, or not special, or not hard enough to get if that makes sense. And I don’t only mean sexually.
> 
> I also think that he is not ready to settle down. He lives like a bachelor, his lifestyle is like that as well. He is only 33, going to be 34 n a few months. I just turned 35, and we talked about it a little. And I think he knows with my personality that I will want to move this relationship along quickly…. Which is kinda true. To me, it’s not quick but it’s how one should date in their 30s when they want kids. He is the type of person who is like oh you need yo date for at least 2 years before thinking about living together or getting engaged etc. he has never had a relationship last past 2 years. I think that is telling. I think he loves being in a relationship but when its time to make the big commitment, it freaks him out. This is my guess anyway.
> 
> I think he is a great catch and I can imagine every girl he had dated probably wants to marry him. He really is great. Which leads me to think he has commitment issues.
> 
> His last girlfriend broke up with him after 2 years. He told me that it was because she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. I don’t believe this from all my social media stalking lol. I found her Pinterest account and she had a whole wedding board that she created when they were together.
> 
> There is something off with him. I mean he’s clearly great, but I think he is scared of commitment. I think it’s also telling who you hang out with. His best friend is way younger than him. Like looking at pictures Of them together you could tell there is a huge age gap. Anyway, he recently got engaged so that’s at least good at hopefully influencing this guy. Another thing I remember was we were talking about age or something and he basically said he feels like he is his sisters age, his sister is 4 years younger. (Even though his sister is married with a kid). But I think he doesn’t want to grow up and settle down or he has fear of it.





Livvie said:


> Yes, this.


I think some men young and old just don’t get it. Are y’all still friends on FB? Are y’all going to stay friends or just moving on etc 

I’m sorry this happened but you are a bit younger than me. I’m 47 but the dating game is hard. I’m still learning. The hard way at times lol but learning!


----------



## bobert

Why are you stalking his ex girlfriend, going through her pinterest boards, creating fake dating profiles to stalk him, etc? That can't be normal...


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> I personally think it’s a lot of things. I think I am actually really good for him from his point of view (minus the fact that I am a little older). I’m prettier than his last ex girlfriend, my body is nicer, we both enjoy the same hobbies, we’re both adventurous and Christian. I’m stable, I have a great secure job with great hours.
> 
> The only negative things I can think about from his point of view are my age, the distance, and I think I’m a little more type a, goal oriented than he would probably prefer if I’m guessing. The other negative thing is that it’s all about perception… I think I gave myself too quickly and Easily that causes some men to perceive me as either desperate, or not special, or not hard enough to get if that makes sense. And I don’t only mean sexually.
> 
> I also think that he is not ready to settle down. He lives like a bachelor, his lifestyle is like that as well. He is only 33, going to be 34 n a few months. I just turned 35, and we talked about it a little. And I think he knows with my personality that I will want to move this relationship along quickly…. Which is kinda true. To me, it’s not quick but it’s how one should date in their 30s when they want kids. He is the type of person who is like oh you need yo date for at least 2 years before thinking about living together or getting engaged etc. he has never had a relationship last past 2 years. I think that is telling. I think he loves being in a relationship but when its time to make the big commitment, it freaks him out. This is my guess anyway.
> 
> I think he is a great catch and I can imagine every girl he had dated probably wants to marry him. He really is great. Which leads me to think he has commitment issues.
> 
> His last girlfriend broke up with him after 2 years. He told me that it was because she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. I don’t believe this from all my social media stalking lol. I found her Pinterest account and she had a whole wedding board that she created when they were together.
> 
> There is something off with him. I mean he’s clearly great, but I think he is scared of commitment. I think it’s also telling who you hang out with. His best friend is way younger than him. Like looking at pictures Of them together you could tell there is a huge age gap. Anyway, he recently got engaged so that’s at least good at hopefully influencing this guy. Another thing I remember was we were talking about age or something and he basically said he feels like he is his sisters age, his sister is 4 years younger. (Even though his sister is married with a kid). But I think he doesn’t want to grow up and settle down or he has fear of it. And I am 100% not the free spirit go with the flow hippie type that he is. And I think that is another negative about me from his point of view.


I think your thinking in this is accurate. He doesn’t wAnt to get married, have commitment, etc. it’s not necessarily a bad thing. But he doesn’t want you, so find yourself a man that does! Nice figure? Cute? Single? No kids? Ha! Lots of guys looking!!!


----------



## Girl_power

Ultimately I think he is a free spirit and wants to be free and FEEL free, and everyone including him knows that although I would never control what he does because I want him to always do adventurous stuff even without me… but I am insecure and I have been hurt and I do require some effort to make me feel secure, that on top of the fact that I do live a regimented life, I am an over thinker and I can be anxious … I could see how that could be daunting to him. 

He is going to need a very free spirit. He is a Hawaiian shirt wearing, smoke weed and listen to Grateful Dead, socialist, environmentalists hippie.


----------



## Girl_power

Sue4473 said:


> I think some men young and old just don’t get it. Are y’all still friends on FB? Are y’all going to stay friends or just moving on etc
> 
> I’m sorry this happened but you are a bit younger than me. I’m 47 but the dating game is hard. I’m still learning. The hard way at times lol but learning!


I don’t have Facebook. I do have Instagram and we are staying friends on there.


----------



## Girl_power

bobert said:


> Why are you stalking his ex girlfriend, going through her pinterest boards, creating fake dating profiles to stalk him, etc? That can't be normal...


This is the result of being hurt, and years of seeing friends get hurt. I think it is pretty normal to do some snooping around but I do take it to a whole different level. My friends do it for me, and I do it for my friends too.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> He is going to need a very free spirit. He is a Hawaiian shirt wearing, smoke weed and listen to Grateful Dead, socialist, environmentalists hippie.


I can almost picture the Birkenstocks.

Based on how you describe yourself I wouldn’t expect you to ultimately end up with someone like you’re describing; maybe I’m off.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_Power, I have to ask you something...

When you two decided to date, was it rebound, or did you guys discuss what you were looking for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that people need to bare their souls off the jump or anything like that. You seem to want marriage and children, he never came across as wanting that at all.

I think you're spot on with your assessment of him, especially with his choice of friends. That said... why did you think he was ever a match for you, given how you've described yourself?


Girl_power said:


> Ultimately I think he is a free spirit and wants to be free and FEEL free, and everyone including him knows that although I would never control what he does because I want him to always do adventurous stuff even without me… but I am insecure and I have been hurt and I do require some effort to make me feel secure, that on top of the fact that I do live a regimented life, I am an over thinker and I can be anxious … I could see how that could be daunting to him.
> 
> He is going to need a very free spirit. He is a Hawaiian shirt wearing, smoke weed and listen to Grateful Dead, socialist, environmentalists hippie.


A free spirit? What is he, a teenage girl, or a 40 something woman on an "Eat, Pray, Love" journey? He sounds like a hipster wannabe cool type.


Girl_power said:


> I don’t have Facebook. I do have Instagram and we are staying friends on there.


Why?????
What could he possibly offer? Honestly, this is coming across as desperate and stalkerish now. Block and delete!


----------



## Girl_power

Evinrude58 said:


> I think your thinking in this is accurate. He doesn’t wAnt to get married, have commitment, etc. it’s not necessarily a bad thing. But he doesn’t want you, so find yourself a man that does! Nice figure? Cute? Single? No kids? Ha! Lots of guys looking!!!


He 100% wants to get married and have kids. We have talked about it, he use to tell me how he often thinks about how he can’t wait to teach his kids how to ski and things like that. He said he finds himself romanticizing it. 

But I think there is fear there, or he feels like he is too young to settle. 

Him and his friends go on these week long canoe trips, sometimes 2 weeks. He absolutely loved it and it’s his favorite thing to do. One of the main guys is having a kid, and he was saying that this summer will be the last hurrah because once a kid comes they can’t do that anymore. So he has a negative opinion (though accurate) about things like that… that is DOES limit what you can and can’t do and I think that scared him.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Well I’d be leery of anyone who hasn’t had a relationship last longer than 2 years. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> So he has a negative opinion (though accurate) about things like that… that is DOES limit what you can and can’t do and I think that scared him.


Part of the reason I don’t have kids. Fortunately my wife and I are on the same page.

I go to her hairdresser to get my hair cut. She had cancelled a couple appointments on us because her kid was in the ER and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. She was telling us, “You know what I was thinking maybe you guys had the right idea.” The highest of highs but also the lowest of lows. So yeah... it’s scary AF!


----------



## Evinrude58

GP,
If he loved you like you deserve, things would have progressed naturally. Forget about him. He may or may not be a great catch. But he’s not for you. It would be a disaster. Because he doesn’t love you. Find a man that can’t wait to marry you.


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> I can almost picture the Birkenstocks.
> 
> Based on how you describe yourself I wouldn’t expect you to ultimately end up with someone like you’re describing; maybe I’m off.


I am very polarized. So one part of me is like him, and the other part of me is nothing like him. 

I am very career oriented, and I do like material items, and I love to dress nice and have nice things, and I’m super responsible and have lots of investments blah blah. But I also am super feminist, there is some hippie in me for sure, I love camping and being outdoors. I am In fact going camping by myself now… I’m driving there as we speak. I am very adventurous… I already have trips planned for Yosemite, Antarctica, Patagonia… and hopefully I will climb Mount Kilimanjaro next year. 

So I subscribe to the notion… the best things in life are free. Which I 100% wholeheartedly agree with. Love, a good sunset, fresh air, Achieving a goal, skinny dipping, running around barefoot etc. this is the hippie in me. But I also believe the second best things in life are really expensive. So Yes Sometimes I wear expensive clothes, and shoes, and I have a Tesla, and I get Botox and facials and my nails done etc. 

But at the end of the day… I am not a free spirit. I am incredibly responsible, I need security, and stability, and a plan.


----------



## Affaircare

@Girl_power ,

When @Emerging Buddhist and I started to get to know each other, we lived 7 hours apart by freeway. We lived in neighboring states (me in the north of my state, and him in the south/central of his state), and it did not interfere with our relationship--know why? We were both willing to make the effort! I drove to him and would stay for a long weekend...he'd drive to me and would stay for a long weekend. I drove more often than he did because my work schedule was more flexibe and his was not, and yet he never hesitated ONCE to show me that he'd make effort to be in a good relationship. 

I tell you this because when a man is "a man of quality", they will treat you as if you are significant to them. They don't bounce in and out of your life. They don't act like making time for you is a burdensome chore. They don't pussyfoot around! A man of quality who is interested will be the one reaching out for you, and you won't need to snoop on him, see what he's doing on his other OLD account, check his ex-gf's pinterest and all that. 

GL, here is the kindest recommendation I can make for you: 1) While you have some time off from this latest fellow, take the time NOW to work on building your own self-esteem. It is not another person's job to reassure you. And trust me, I get this one! EB will tell you--when I do wobble, this the area that will occasionally knock me over. BUT...it is not his job to fix me; that is MY JOB. So work on your own self so you're strong: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-R-Schiraldi/dp/1572242523 2) I don't care if it takes a while, hold out for a man of quality. Being with someone just for the sake of not being alone does not mean they will be good for your soul, and then you'll find you are trying to marry or married to someone who is not good for you! In the long-run that is a mismatch! Waiting for a good man is the one area in your life where you don't want to rush. Find a man who WANTS to be with you and who will take the time to show you with his actions that he means what he says. It is TRULY worth the wait!


----------



## Girl_power

TXTrini said:


> Girl_Power, I have to ask you something...
> 
> When you two decided to date, was it rebound, or did you guys discuss what you were looking for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that people need to bare their souls off the jump or anything like that. You seem to want marriage and children, he never came across as wanting that at all.
> 
> I think you're spot on with your assessment of him, especially with his choice of friends. That said... why did you think he was ever a match for you, given how you've described yourself?
> 
> A free spirit? What is he, a teenage girl, or a 40 something woman on an "Eat, Pray, Love" journey? He sounds like a hipster wannabe cool type.
> 
> Why?????
> What could he possibly offer? Honestly, this is coming across as desperate and stalkerish now. Block and delete!


What I found out about him when we were talking was that he is incredibly family oriented. He is really close to his sister and his parents. And asked me how many kids I want to have and he talked about how many he wants and told me that he gets excited thinking about doing things with his kids. He told me his last ex didn’t work out because she didn’t want to get married. 

He does want these things and we talked about it early on when we were getting to know each other. 

In my personal assessment, I think that he wants these things but he has fear, he has been hurt in the past as well and he’s super sensitive, and I think he has issues that stand in the way.


----------



## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> I am very polarized. So one part of me is like him, and the other part of me is nothing like him.
> 
> I am very career oriented, and I do like material items, and I love to dress nice and have nice things, and I’m super responsible and have lots of investments blah blah. But I also am super feminist, there is some hippie in me for sure, I love camping and being outdoors. I am In fact going camping by myself now… I’m driving there as we speak. I am very adventurous… I already have trips planned for Yosemite, Antarctica, Patagonia… and hopefully I will climb Mount Kilimanjaro next year.
> 
> So I subscribe to the notion… the best things in life are free. Which I 100% wholeheartedly agree with. Love, a good sunset, fresh air, Achieving a goal, skinny dipping, running around barefoot etc. this is the hippie in me. But I also believe the second best things in life are really expensive. So Yes Sometimes I wear expensive clothes, and shoes, and I have a Tesla, and I get Botox and facials and my nails done etc.
> 
> But at the end of the day… I am not a free spirit. I am incredibly responsible, I need security, and stability, and a plan.


You sound like a freaking awesome gal to me, except the feminist part.😂


----------



## Girl_power

And thanks everyone. I know I deserve someone great and someone who knows what they want. I am moving on. I paused my dating apps and I am taking this week that I have off from work and I am focusing on myself. I am also getting off of social media for a while (even though I don’t use it much).


----------



## Girl_power

ccpowerslave said:


> I can almost picture the Birkenstocks.
> 
> Based on how you describe yourself I wouldn’t expect you to ultimately end up with someone like you’re describing; maybe I’m off.


I actually use to be a huge hippie, very free spirited, very very liberal. Thought everyone was good and had good intentions. My exH use to tell me I was the nicest most naïve person with rainbows and lollipops in my head. I had no worries in the world…. Until I was completely messed up by him. And I grew up really fast and I no longer trust humans like I once did.


----------



## Torninhalf

Girl_power said:


> I actually use to be a huge hippie, very free spirited, very very liberal. Thought everyone was good and had good intentions. My exH use to tell me I was the nicest most naïve person with rainbows and lollipops in my head. I had no worries in the world…. Until I was completely messed up by him. And I grew up really fast and I no longer trust humans like I once did.


Humans basically suck so I hear you on that.
I concur, I think you sound like an amazing woman and I applaud you for staying in the game. He wasn’t the one so on to bigger and better things.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> So I subscribe to the notion… the best things in life are free.


As someone married to a woman who loves a lot of those same things not limited to but including: Yosemite (I am drinking out of a mug with that label on it right now), Antarctica trips (Viking cruises), weird international travel, hiking, etc... if you do it in style as you know it’s all expensive AF.

Like you she also likes luxury items not limited to but including: jewelry that costs more than nice cars, watches that cost more than cars, cars that cost more than cars, expensive real estate, 5 stairs we had built out of oak that cost $6k that I just got the bill for but perfectly match everything and look awesome, etc...

I love it. We compliment each other. I hate going to the middle of nowhere with crap internet but if I can stay at a 5 star hotel I am willing to sacrifice.


----------



## TXTrini

Girl_power said:


> What I found out about him when we were talking was that he is incredibly family oriented. He is really close to his sister and his parents. And asked me how many kids I want to have and he talked about how many he wants and told me that he gets excited thinking about doing things with his kids. He told me his last ex didn’t work out because she didn’t want to get married.
> 
> He does want these things and we talked about it early on when we were getting to know each other.
> 
> In my personal assessment, I think that he wants these things but he has fear, he has been hurt in the past as well and he’s super sensitive, and I think he has issues that stand in the way.


Talk is cheap and easy. Too many people are concerned with social approval when they want something different. He's 33, not 23, if he really wants kids, does he think that happens overnight? 

Just finding someone you don't want to murder in their sleep after you settle into a relationship with is challenging enough, much less someone you trust enough to have children with. 

He can say what he wants, but what he says and what he's doing (and what you discovered stalking his ex gf's pinterest board) aren't adding up. The younger friends are a red flag for me, it indicated wanting to remain in that lifestyle. 

Anyways hon, I'm not trying to dump on you at all. You sound like you have your **** together and need to find someone on your level on the same page. If you're serious about having children, there's no time now to waste on men who can't commit to what you want.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Girl_power said:


> I actually use to be a huge hippie, very free spirited, very very liberal. Thought everyone was good and had good intentions. My exH use to tell me I was the nicest most naïve person with rainbows and lollipops in my head. I had no worries in the world…. Until I was completely messed up by him. And I grew up really fast and I no longer trust humans like I once did.


For good reason.

The fiscal conservativeness you seem to have stumbled into will serve you well as you never have to limit your options.

To be honest though if it doesn’t get shattered the rainbows and lollipops world sounds like a fun place.


----------



## Affaircare

Girl_power said:


> I actually use to be a huge hippie, very free spirited, very very liberal. Thought everyone was good and had good intentions. My exH use to tell me I was the nicest most naïve person with rainbows and lollipops in my head. I had no worries in the world…. Until I was completely messed up by him. And I grew up really fast and I no longer trust humans like I once did.


Hey GP, I'm still a big old free-spirited hippie, and I've been divorced once, widowed once, was cheated on, and was the cheater. I am not sure that life's rollercoaster is meant to stop that, nor does it mean a hippie needs to become upwardly mobile yippie type! Eyes can be wide open to reality and still see dewdrops and rainbows because that kind of beauty is real.


----------



## m.t.t

Girl_power said:


> I don’t have Facebook. I do have Instagram and we are staying friends on there.


That is a really bad move. You will just keep analyzing the hell out of this.


Girl_power said:


> This is the result of being hurt, and years of seeing friends get hurt. I think it is pretty normal to do some snooping around but I do take it to a whole different level. My friends do it for me, and I do it for my friends too.


You all need to get a better hobby. As a woman, I find it really off that you would state that you are more attractive and have a better body than his ex girlfriend! I find it really sad that you are even thinking that. Please re-think about how you see yourself and others.

Please take care and stop wondering about this guy. I think some time out from dating would be helpful so you don't keep chasing what isn't a good fit.


----------



## Blondilocks

Girl_power said:


> His last girlfriend broke up with him after 2 years. He told me that it was because she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. I don’t believe this from all my social media stalking lol. I found her Pinterest account and she had a whole wedding board that she created when they were together.


Well, now you know - he's a liar and a blame-shifter to boot. He also sounds like he's 50 years behind the times. He might be able to still find a commune if he looks hard enough.

Sure, he likes family - his foo.


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> Well, now you know - he's a liar and a blame-shifter to boot. He also sounds like he's 50 years behind the times. He might be able to still find a commune if he looks hard enough.
> 
> Sure, he likes family - his foo.


I'm jumping in that just because she had a board of wedding-related things, doesn't necessarily mean that he was lying. Maybe she was working through what she wanted, maybe the account was shared, maybe she decided she didn't want to marry _him_ and so on. While I think trust comes with time, it does indicate something that GP felt the need to look into these details and then doubted him, and yet has still shown interest in him. The part about his ex-girlfriend's appearance: I wonder how you would feel, GP, if you had perceived her as being 'prettier' and having a 'hotter' body than you? You state that you're more physically attractive (and maybe he thought so too), yet there's other qualities of compatibility that obviously play a part. I'm with the other poster that suggested stepping away from him and his social media, focusing on yourself, and then moving on.

Also just because he didn't follow through with GP, and shared some thoughts around his buddy starting a family, doesn't equate to him not wanting these things at some point. I feel like I'm defending him  ...maybe he knows more about what he wants than is being credited for. He recognizes that he likely has a romanticized version of family life. He pulled back from GP and is stating that distance is an issue for him. His actions are demonstrating what he's about, even if his words perhaps aren't as straight-up as GP needs.

On the flip-side, GP seems to be wanting that serious kind of commitment fairly quickly. I'll stand corrected if I've misinterpreted this. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not happening with this guy so move on. I hope that you can reduce the mental energy you're giving him. And yes, I observe the irony with me writing that and then contributing to this thread which largely centers around him. He may well be a catch... just not with you and vice verse. Focus on yourself and what / who is next. Good luck!


----------



## Girl_power

heartsbeating said:


> I'm jumping in that just because she had a board of wedding-related things, doesn't necessarily mean that he was lying. Maybe she was working through what she wanted, maybe the account was shared, maybe she decided she didn't want to marry _him_ and so on. While I think trust comes with time, it does indicate something that GP felt the need to look into these details and then doubted him, and yet has still shown interest in him. The part about his ex-girlfriend's appearance: I wonder how you would feel, GP, if you had perceived her as being 'prettier' and having a 'hotter' body than you? You state that you're more physically attractive (and maybe he thought so too), yet there's other qualities of compatibility that obviously play a part. I'm with the other poster that suggested stepping away from him and his social media, focusing on yourself, and then moving on.
> 
> Also just because he didn't follow through with GP, and shared some thoughts around his buddy starting a family, doesn't equate to him not wanting these things at some point. I feel like I'm defending him  ...maybe he knows more about what he wants than is being credited for. He recognizes that he likely has a romanticized version of family life. He pulled back from GP and is stating that distance is an issue for him. His actions are demonstrating what he's about, even if his words perhaps aren't as straight-up as GP needs.
> 
> On the flip-side, GP seems to be wanting that serious kind of commitment fairly quickly. I'll stand corrected if I've misinterpreted this. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not happening with this guy so move on. I hope that you can reduce the mental energy you're giving him. And yes, I observe the irony with me writing that and then contributing to this thread which largely centers around him. He may well be a catch... just not with you and vice verse. Focus on yourself and what / who is next. Good luck!


I do agree with what your saying. 

What bothers me though is that pursued me. He was the one to cast his net THAT far and start talking to me, and he pursued me heavily. He was super super romantic. Opened up to me about his exes and what he wants. I shared my history above my exH and I told him I’m super sensitive and when I like someone I jump in 100%. He was great and super romantic and was planning things for us in the future. He was getting into scuba diva, and he really wanted me to learn to so he looked up classes in my area so I can learn so we can do them together. He invited me to an event in September.., SEPTEMBER!!!! So of course I was thinking this dude wanted me in his future. 

In the beginning when he changed his dating profile pic and I called him out…I even assured him that it’s ok for him to be on there and to see other women because we weren’t official. That was me protecting my heart. But no, he said he didn’t want anyone else and didn’t want to look. He was the one who wanted to make sure we were moving in a monogamous type relationship.

I’m mad, because I feel like he made me like him then all of a sudden he’s like… I removed myself emotionally from you and I’ve distanced myself because I don’t think the distance is going to work. Like what!?!? He was the one who started this. It’s mean. Like dude your almost 34… whah are you doing? I do think he has fear and commitment issues but he shouldn’t be messing with people’s emotions before he really knows what he wants.


One more thing I thought of… he is a literature major, and he loves reading classics and he’s like we should read a book together and then we can discuss it and blah blah. He was all about this. So we were reading withering heights… a week later he starts to pull back and eventually tells me what he told me. It just doesn’t make sense. And it’s annoying.


----------



## Girl_power

I mean and even now… he’s like I still don’t know what I want. I really need time and I think, it’s good for my head to think about these things. Like what!?! Come on. I’m moving on and I’m not holding my breath. 

I think he just has issues and he’s bleeding into other peoples lives and it’s not nice.


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## Girl_power

Sorry for keeping this thread alive lol. I am driving back from hiking/camping and for some reason I just got really mad and sad and started crying really bad. I think it’s a good sign because I haven’t cried yet; and I think I’m realizing it’s really over. Ok I had a good cry and hopefully that’s it lol.


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## dubsey

That's healthy. if/when he calls/texts you later, just tell him you're done with the ride and he done effed up.


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## Mr. Nail

Girl_power said:


> withering heights… a week later he starts to pull back and eventually tells me what he told me. It just doesn’t make sense. And it’s annoying.


He's not wrong . . . .
Sorry to threadjack with a book review


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## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> I do agree with what your saying.
> 
> What bothers me though is that pursued me. He was the one to cast his net THAT far and start talking to me, and he pursued me heavily. He was super super romantic. Opened up to me about his exes and what he wants. I shared my history above my exH and I told him I’m super sensitive and when I like someone I jump in 100%. He was great and super romantic and was planning things for us in the future. He was getting into scuba diva, and he really wanted me to learn to so he looked up classes in my area so I can learn so we can do them together. He invited me to an event in September.., SEPTEMBER!!!! So of course I was thinking this dude wanted me in his future.
> 
> In the beginning when he changed his dating profile pic and I called him out…I even assured him that it’s ok for him to be on there and to see other women because we weren’t official. That was me protecting my heart. But no, he said he didn’t want anyone else and didn’t want to look. He was the one who wanted to make sure we were moving in a monogamous type relationship.
> 
> I’m mad, because I feel like he made me like him then all of a sudden he’s like… I removed myself emotionally from you and I’ve distanced myself because I don’t think the distance is going to work. Like what!?!? He was the one who started this. It’s mean. Like dude your almost 34… whah are you doing? I do think he has fear and commitment issues but he shouldn’t be messing with people’s emotions before he really knows what he wants.
> 
> 
> One more thing I thought of… he is a literature major, and he loves reading classics and he’s like we should read a book together and then we can discuss it and blah blah. He was all about this. So we were reading withering heights… a week later he starts to pull back and eventually tells me what he told me. It just doesn’t make sense. And it’s annoying.


GP—- he found another woman. That’s what happened. He was still looking and he found one. It happens. It’s how it is with OLD.
And honestly, men are pretty scared to commit now because we get screwed over so often too.

you are too cool to dwell on this guy. He’s not worth this much brainpower. What he says and what he does....... once they stop matching, stop investing.


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## Girl_power

I’m looking forward to having peace of mind. I’m hurt and it will take a little bit to get over him but I am glad to be off the rollercoaster. People who don’t know what they want are dangerous.


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## AllyCat702

Girl_power said:


> I’m looking forward to having peace of mind. I’m hurt and it will take a little bit to get over him but I am glad to be off the rollercoaster. People who don’t know what they want are dangerous.


Hope you are doing better today. He clearly doesn’t deserve you. You know what you want and you deserve to have it not to settle for something that only comes close or gives you pause. You deserve your rockstar


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## Evinrude58

I don’t know what I want.
I need space.
I love you but I’m not in love with you.
We need to slow down.

Realize these are all things that people say because they don’t want to tell the truth because the truth is so hurtful.

I don’t know what I want in his case is : I want someone else or I don’t want you.
Find that man that you feel strongly about and he CAN’T WAIT to see you.
And you say,” that would be obsessive”.... it may just be that the guy is in love with you, and yes, that overwhelms a person for a while.


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## Blondilocks

If I were you, I would draft a pre-nup now. Because once you're in love you can easily be talked out of it and you don't want to wind up paying 'The One' alimony.


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## joannacroc

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t know what I want.
> I need space.
> I love you but I’m not in love with you.
> We need to slow down.
> 
> Realize these are all things that people say because they don’t want to tell the truth because the truth is so hurtful.
> 
> I don’t know what I want in his case is : I want someone else or I don’t want you.
> Find that man that you feel strongly about and he CAN’T WAIT to see you.
> And you say,” that would be obsessive”.... it may just be that the guy is in love with you, and yes, that overwhelms a person for a while.


I was so dumb as a young woman I thought people actually meant those things. Still have a lot of growing up to do, but all those statements pretty much mean "I'm not into you." And nobody needs that kind of person in their life, other than perhaps as a friend.


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## Girl_power

I know everyone. He just doesn’t want me. I get it. I’m hurt what can I say. I clearly get it, he does not want me. 

Thanks for kicking me when I’m down everyone.


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## Evinrude58

Girl_power said:


> I know everyone. He just doesn’t want me. I get it. I’m hurt what can I say. I clearly get it, he does not want me.
> 
> Thanks for kicking me when I’m down everyone.


We don’t mean to do that at all. You’re not down! You have the opportunity to find a worthwhile guy. We are down on this guy for leading you on, not you for believing him.
If I got down every time a woman decided she’s not into me, I’d have to climb a ladder to tie my shoes. Please don’t let this get to you too much. He isn’t the one. No big deal. Next...... I hope that becomes your attitude soon.


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## ccpowerslave

Back when I was dating and I got rejected and felt bad what I would do is try and play the Randy Rhoads solo from the live version of Mr. Crowley on my acoustic guitar because I didn’t have an electric with me then.

Then again it normally made me feel worse.

Don’t try that.


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## frusdil

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t know what I want.
> I need space.
> I love you but I’m not in love with you.
> We need to slow down.
> 
> Realize these are all things that people say because they don’t want to tell the truth because the truth is so hurtful.


Word.

I once dated a bloke who swore up and down that he would NEVER marry again. Ever. Or live with anyone. Guess what? He married the next woman he dated after me. Turned out he did want to get married again after all, just not to me, lol!


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## Cooper

Girl_power said:


> I know everyone. He just doesn’t want me. I get it. I’m hurt what can I say. I clearly get it, he does not want me.
> 
> Thanks for kicking me when I’m down everyone.


Him not wanting you isn't necessarily true. I think he does want you, that's why he is being wishy washy. You mentioned he is a weed smoker and that could be the root of the problem. When young I smoked weed almost every day for several years so am speaking from experience.

Here's what could be happening. He likes you, a lot, you're hot, you're active, you're hard working, the sex is good. He plans to call, plans to set something up for the weekend, but then after work he gets high, thinks "oh man, I'm stoned, I'll call her tomorrow" Tue., Wed., Thur., same routine. Friday he swears he's going to call before he gets stoned, but you know, it's Friday, he worked hard all week so deserves a little buzz, just a couple hits after work. Now he's buzzed and thinks, "man I should have called earlier, I didn't make any plans, she's probably pissed she hasn't heard from me, she'll want to know why I didn't call, what I've been doing, what I've been thinking. Christ, I don't want to deal with that, f##k it".....maybe next week I'll set something up. But he doesnt, because he gets stoned again.

I may be wrong, but from what you have written about the guy and his actions I see the exact scenario I played out myself a few times when I was smoking weed. It just takes away your motovation.


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## CountryMike

Girl_power said:


> I know everyone. He just doesn’t want me. I get it. I’m hurt what can I say. I clearly get it, he does not want me.
> 
> Thanks for kicking me when I’m down everyone.


Buck up there!

From what I've read you're way too good for this guy.


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## Openminded

I haven’t seen anyone kicking you — just pointing out the obvious that he wasn’t right for you and now you can move on.


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## Elizabeth001

ccpowerslave said:


> This has been immortalized in song, “Because I Got High” by Afroman.


Cause I got high-i 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ontheotherside

Often people who claim they don’t know what they want, do know. They just don’t want to tell the truth: don’t want fights or don’t want to hurt your feelings. 

Usually they just don’t want serious relationship with you but don’t want to say it, so they say they don’t know what they want. 

So if a guy tells you he doesn’t know want he wants, it’s his code for “ i am not into you in a serious way but I don’t mind casual fling. When I meet Miss Right I’ll have serious commitment with her, but it ain’t you”. 

I recommend you get out when a guy tells you he doesn’t know what he wants. He does. He just can’t verbatim say it 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ontheotherside

Girl_power said:


> I do agree with what your saying.
> 
> What bothers me though is that pursued me. He was the one to cast his net THAT far and start talking to me, and he pursued me heavily. He was super super romantic. Opened up to me about his exes and what he wants. I shared my history above my exH and I told him I’m super sensitive and when I like someone I jump in 100%. He was great and super romantic and was planning things for us in the future. He was getting into scuba diva, and he really wanted me to learn to so he looked up classes in my area so I can learn so we can do them together. He invited me to an event in September.., SEPTEMBER!!!! So of course I was thinking this dude wanted me in his future.
> 
> In the beginning when he changed his dating profile pic and I called him out…I even assured him that it’s ok for him to be on there and to see other women because we weren’t official. That was me protecting my heart. But no, he said he didn’t want anyone else and didn’t want to look. He was the one who wanted to make sure we were moving in a monogamous type relationship.
> 
> I’m mad, because I feel like he made me like him then all of a sudden he’s like… I removed myself emotionally from you and I’ve distanced myself because I don’t think the distance is going to work. Like what!?!? He was the one who started this. It’s mean. Like dude your almost 34… whah are you doing? I do think he has fear and commitment issues but he shouldn’t be messing with people’s emotions before he really knows what he wants.
> 
> 
> One more thing I thought of… he is a literature major, and he loves reading classics and he’s like we should read a book together and then we can discuss it and blah blah. He was all about this. So we were reading withering heights… a week later he starts to pull back and eventually tells me what he told me. It just doesn’t make sense. And it’s annoying.


You remind me of myself when I was very young. I might be wrong but you sound very young. I thought whatever the guys said must be the truth. So you thought whatever he said must be the truth. 

But people say a lot of things and not everything is necessarily true. It doesn’t sound as much as he pursued you but more like he said all the right things. 

That’s why when you date next time, take things very slow and let it develop gradually and watch for his actions. Not words. 

Men like him say all kind of things but then they are gone and done in few months. Seriously inclined men who are truly into you don’t come on hot and heavy but take their time to get to know you and relationship doesn’t fizzle in few months. It grows. It’s also good not to jump to bed real quick. 

In addition to all this, stoners might not be the best long term partners. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BioFury

Openminded said:


> I haven’t seen anyone kicking you — just pointing out the obvious that he wasn’t right for you and now you can move on.


She just feels sad, and maybe a little victimized. We've all been there.


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## Ontheotherside

BioFury said:


> She just feels sad, and maybe a little victimized. We've all been there.


Very true. And understandable


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