# Not the man I should have been.



## blindsidedintx (Apr 22, 2010)

I've posted before about my situation, but last night we had a long talk that has added another layer of complexity to our situation.

Finally after 14 years of marriage, she opened up and I was able to see her point of view for the first time clearly. She's never shared her feelings with me about how she felt until last night.

She feels that I NEVER helped her. We were a single income home. I started working when we had our first kid (9 now) and she quit her cashier Wal-mart job and became a stay-at-home mom. While I worked, she took care of the house and daughter. This happened until last year when she finally got her degree and now has a job that earns more than what I was making. We switched roles. One problem, I didn't step up to the plate.

For some reasons (pride, selfishness, laziness, etc.) I never took initiative to help more around the house. Even when she was going to school, I let her handle all the housework and I barely helped. I felt that since I had a job and working all day, her job was to handle the house and kid stuff (dr appts, getting them ready for school, etc.). Looking back now, I KNOW I didn't do enough.

Now that she has her career and I never fulfilled the job of house-husband as well as I should have, things started to fall apart. At times I would see that she was stressed but she would not communicate to me what she needed. She never TOLD me that she needed help, and I decided not to help her unless she asked. I felt that it was up to her to tell me she needed help instead of me taking the initiative to help without her needing to ask. I can COMPLETELY see how much of a complete idiot I was now. Why?

Because she's had an affair. I've COMPLETELY changed everything about myself. I get up early, I do all the chores, I make sure she knows I'm thinking of her and if she needs anything that I can help her with, emotionally or otherwise. I listen more carefully...everything I SHOULD HAVE BEEN, I've become now. Unfortunately, she has the idea that it is too late. She told me, "When I needed you, you weren't there for me and now I don't need you anymore." Supposedly, the OM has everything she needed from me.

When she questioned me about why I couldn't have just helped more in the past and why did it take something as earth shattering as news of an affair to get me to change I answered her honestly. "I don't know." In hindsight, it is so OBVIOUS that I wasn't all I should have been. The entitlement I felt for having a job blinded me. I can see that now so clearly, I almost can't recognize the loser I was. I can't understand now how I could have done that to the woman I loved.

For the past month, I truly have done everything to show that I've changed and last night I apologized for not being there. I apologized for not being able to see the damage I was causing. I apologized for not being the man I should have been. She thinks it's a temporary act in an attempt to win her back. I swore on our kids lives that it was not. That this is a PERMANENT change. She was not convinced.

She said she's going to serve me with divorce papers today. She has absolutely no interest in giving me a second chance. Why give me a chance if the OM ALREADY has the traits that I was missing? That and the fact that supposedly she's ALWAYS loved him and never really loved me. (My other posts explain how the OM was her "first" when they were 14 and her family forbid them being together)

After 14 years of marriage and 3 kids, she's said that her and the OM haven't been able to "get together" until recently. They've been planning their new life together for a few years now. According to her, the questionable "new person I've become" is good for me, but she doesn't need me anymore. 

We've gone to counseling as a couple and individually. She stated that it did "absolutely nothing" to help her. Her mind is made up. She's even opposed to go to counseling for how to tell the kids because counseling has done nothing for her. I told her we need to and she reluctantly agreed.

I know that I have to continue to demonstrate how I've changed and not go back to my old ways. That I have to be the best spouse and dad I can. That I have to give her space and let her go. That there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind. That I have to let things work out and live my life the best I can and let her discover for herself if her decision to leave is the best thing she's ever done.

Big problem though. She does NOT want to get a separation. She wants to go through with the divorce ASAP. It can't come fast enough for her. I explained how a separation will help not only me and the kids, but her and the OM's daughter with the transition. I presented her with all the pros for separation but she's afraid it's a ploy by me to later demonstrate how she "abandoned" the kids. There is no legal separation in Texas, so it will have to be up to us if we want it.

My lawyer said if she did present me with papers, I'd have a few months before I had to sign anything. I don't want to tell the kids about divorce if we only separate and 6, 8 or 11 months later she discovers that she may want to give us a second chance. She is 100% convinced that a second chance will NEVER happen, but does that mean I have to give up and accept divorce is inevitable and therefore tell the kids we're getting divorced? Another reason I want counseling.

If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it. And yes, I have the Love Dare book and am following it.  I don't know how long I'm supposed to keep fighting. I know once we sign divorce it's over, but up until then, when do I give up? Thanks guys!


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## da_miz801 (Jun 2, 2010)

This sounds very similar to my situation. The only difference, is I was the one who had the affair 7 yrs. ago that produced a child. We tried the couples therapy, and solo therapy. All to no avail because I was still "distracted". I look back and realize the I didn't do enough either. This is suppose to be the woman you love, and I wasn't able to show her it enough. I also have had a change in perspective on things and have been helping out every day without being asked. It is a hard road to travel, and it sucks everyday. 

I since have started counseling by myself to figure out why I would be good when things were bad, and then slip back into being complacent when going good. It is hard when the other person doesn't want to see the stuff you are doing as genuine. I will still do whatever I can to show her, and hopefully she will be able to see that again.

Sorry, if I didn't offer any advice or help. I just read this and was thinking this is exactly what I have done.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

The only advice I can give is keep changing yourself..there is nothing NOTHING you can do to change her feelings..I know that seems harsh but honestly..I think you know she isn't goint to change..You recognize your faults and she definitely has some..but she's going into her new relationship and it won't be long before she has the same issues herself..as long as you keep on the positive track you'll be okay..and stop looking back at your faults..it only hinders the recovery time..take it from one of many who have been in the same boat..and some of our spouses were not even in an affair..they just got burned out trying..or so they say:scratchhead:


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## blindsidedintx (Apr 22, 2010)

Yeah. She's freaking out a bit by my behavior. Everything from my sleep schedule, to going to church, to the way I talk to her. She has noticed the changes, but doubts the longevity and sincerity of it.

I've told her that I totally understand since it was practically an overnight change. I would probably feel the same if the roles were reversed. All I can do is keep on truckin' and show her the man I've changed into instead of tell her. All the advice I've been getting follows that same logic.

She's forgotten the man she fell in love with because I forgot him too. Now I'm doing everything to remind her and myself of who I should have always been. I'll just leave it in God's hands to help her realize that the man she's always wanted is staring her in the face.

Only time will tell...


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## Jack1103 (Jun 28, 2010)

the frustration felt on this page touches base with me exactly. my wife and i have been married only 8 months and known eachother for 4 years. i still feel like the worst ******* ever for letting myself get so complacent only 6 months in. like you said earlier, hindsight always works without fail. now that she told me she doesnt love me anymore is when i finally see my faults in the open and im only then did i begin working on them. i try to tell her that this is not a change. the man who treated her bad was the change, now im back to the man you fell in love with. im just very lucky that she wants to work this out but getting her trust back will be the mortar for keping our marriage together.


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