# New here . Advice on first date since problems ..



## Jimmyd3275 (Sep 9, 2016)

First off here is some background. Underneath is my current question . Thanks in advanced for any help.

Hi am am new here . My name is Jimmy . 
I have been married a little over a year . 
I won't go into a super deep background . 
However my wife and I have been tougher about 5 years and half a two and a half year old daughter . 
We have both made mistakes . 
Me controlling and sometimes manipulative. 
Long story short I found out that my wife may question our marriage . 
When I did I was crushed . 
Thankfully I found information on how to react . I.e. Giving space being positive and such . 
We are in counseling and working on things . 
It has been about two months since I found out and one month of counseling . 
It has been up and down . 
Usally down when I have a big expectation of how she's suppose to act . 
I get silent and clearly disturbed . 
When I'm staying positive and such she has been decent and fair . I am not looking for all the answers so my current struggle is this . 
She has been more open and we're spending time together . We even have a date night planed . 
But I keep getting upset at the end of the night with the no sex and no affection. 
I constantly blow it and show my frustration at least a few times a week . 
The thought that she's not attracted to me or doesn't like giving or receiving affection hurts deeply . 
I guess I'd love any advice from people with experience not opinions . 
Like anyone who may have been through this and came out the other side . 
Coping with the feelings , is it normal ? 
Can intamicy be restored ? 
I know it's diffrent for woman . 

Being a man no matter how mad I am at my wife I still am attracted to her . 
My feelings are still there . 
So I don't know .

***** current ****
So tonight we are going on a date to dinner then a hot tub place . Everything has been getting better over the last month . Except it's obvious she's not very affectionate and doesn't want affection or sex . Our Counsler suggest for one month I don't ask for sex and with in one month she agrees to give it . That was two weeks ago . I guess my question is any general advice on the first date after finding out she wasn't happy . ... And about R engaging affection


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your post has a lot a similiarities to other stories. Before we jump to that conclusion, we really need to know more.

What are your approximate ages? Does you wife work outside the home? What do you mean by you both made mistakes? Any infidelity? Where did you get that information to "give her space"? That is a red flag.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jimmyd3275 said:


> First off here is some background. Underneath is my current question . Thanks in advanced for any help.
> 
> Hi am am new here . My name is Jimmy .
> I have been married a little over a year .
> ...


Do you know her boyfriend's name?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

I think your counselor's advice blows. 

Well the part about you not begging her constantly for sex is a good one, but making her promise to "give it to you" after a month?

That's called duty sex and forcing her to have it with you will be counter productive.

Attraction needs to be built, it can't be forced.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jimmyd3275 said:


> ...I have been married a little over a year .
> 
> ....However my wife and I have been tougher about 5 years and half a two and a half year old daughter .
> We have both made mistakes .
> ...


OK, you are a Nice Guy and that is not a complement. You need to read the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. I was a Nice Guy and it is hard to change. I was in a sex starved marriage, but I changed and I am now having sex and more importantly emotional connection to my wife twice a week. I am HD and she is LD, but that wasn't our real problem.

It took reading and understanding three books. NMMNG, MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage, and Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love, before I finally figured things out. I suggest you read all three and study them.

What I learned from NMMNG and SSM was that I was pushing too hard and being too clingy and dependent on my wife for emotional validation and approval. I was co-dependent and that is not sexy. From NMMNG and SSM, I learned to "Get a Life" which is code words for taking responsibility for my own happiness, by doing things I enjoyed and that made me feel good about myself and what I could accomplish. That made me more confident. Since most GAL activities are physical challenges associated with getting in shape, not only was I more confident, but I physically looked better to my wife and other women. She notice that real quick when some of her friends would come up to me and flirt at parties and then tell her she was lucky to have a guy like me for a husband.

The hardest NMMNG lesson I had to learn was to drop all "covert contracts." Those are things you do in the hope that your wife will give you sex or whatever it is you want. I really struggled with that. Ultimately, I learned that unconditional love and expecting nothing in return is the best way to learn how to stop doing covert contracts. Luckily for me I had a wonderful Black Lab do who taught me a lot about unconditional love.

Next I learned in 5-LL from Chapman that my primary languages of love were "touch" and "words of affirmation" (praise), while my wife's primary languages were "quality time" and "act of service." 

For me to feel loved, I needed my wife to touch me and praise me. If she didn't touch me or she yelled at me, it was the emotional equivalent of being told she didn't love me. But she didn't understand that nor did she intend that to be the message.

When I didn't provide her with acts of service or give her the quality time she needed, she did not feel loved. We did this dance where I felt unloved and started to work more hours to get more money for my wife and children (be a better provider), but really to get the praise I needed (from coworkers) so I felt loved and valued. Since I was around the house less, she was getting less quality time to talk and share her feeling with me, so she withdrew from me farther. 

She had grown up in a house where her mother as an act of service cooked a hot dinner each night to provide to her husband. That was how her mother showed love to her father. My W cooked hot meals for me and our children, but when I worked late and didn't call home her meal was burned. That made her angry as if she had said to me that "I love you" and I had said I hate you back to her. I was denying her the ability for her to express her love. When I finally got home she would yell at me (anti-praise), I would withdraw gulp down dinner and hide in front of the TV to get away from being yelled at. That would make her even more angry because I would be denying her the quality time she needed.

When I figured out Chapmans 5 LL, I started to try to do acts of service. Everything I tried was not viewed as an act of service until one morning I woke up early got myself a cup of coffee and brought two cups up to the bedroom and offered her one. We lay in bed drinking coffee and talking as we woke up. BINGO: she had coffee brought to her as an act of service and quality time talking. She felt really loved for the first time in decades. I realized what had happened. 

Each day I bring her coffee in bed and we talk about what we are going to do the coming day. At night when I get home if dinner is not cooked, I will offer to set the table (something that doesn't take away from her act fo service), put things from the refrigerator on the table, or open a bottle of wine and pour her a glass for each of us. Then at dinner I will thank her for the dinner so she feels her act of service is appreciated and then we will talk about what we did each day and I will ask about the things I remembered her saying in the morning. SHE FEELS LOVED at the beginning and end of each day. That feeling of being loved and cherished has allowed her to be more loving to me.

I changed myself. I changed the way I would allow myself to be treated. I changed the way I treated my wife, so she felt more cherished and loved. In the end with the help of a sex therapist we negotiated a whole new relationship and ended our sex starved marriage.

Yes it is possible, but it will take hard work on YOUR PART as you are part of the problem, whether you want to believe it or not. Get those three books and read them until you understand them. Work on yourself. Figure out how to make your wife feel loved. and things may work out.

Take a few moments and talk to your counselor about those three books and see what he/she says about those books and things you might do to improve yourself. 

Good luck.

P.S. Our sex therapist recommended Sensate Focus exercises where we gradually learned how to touch, have foreplay before eventually having sex. The stop having sex for a month sounds like it could be part of a sensate focus exercise. As your counselor about sensate focus exercises and see if they can be added to what you are now doing or at least have him/her explain what they are and how they work.


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