# How/Does cheating fundamentally change a person?



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I also don't mean the relationship. The 1000's of threads here easily illustrate that cheating changes the relationship. 

But I mean the person. The individual person. Wayward spouse, or the betrayed spouse, does it change them? and how?
Maybe they were a very caring and trusting person. After an affair, they're cold, or maybe uncaring. 
Or maybe the person was a naturally happy and social person. And now they're reserved, quiet, or something like that. 

Maybe they went the other way. 

Just curious what other people have seen. If it be through first hand experience, or what they saw from friends or relatives. 
And does the change reverse? Or do they even notice?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

It could have life altering effects for both parties, but it doesn't have to be that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Basically, with regard to the BS, it messes with and jades their human nature to become more untrusting of most everyone! And greatly compromises their ability to enter into an ensuing love relationship, out of fear that their once-loving heart will be taken advantage of once again!

But with regard to the WS, and with rare exception, all that they really learn is to be even more conniving, deceitful, underhanded, and sneaky in their lurid pursuits and endeavors!

Greatly makes one wish that the ultimate sentence for marital cheating is a good incurable case of the clap! For the both of them!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Basically, with regard to the BS, it messes with and jades their human nature to become more untrusting of most everyone! And greatly compromises their ability to enter into an ensuing love relationship, out of fear that their once-loving heart will be taken advantage of once again!
> *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lack of trust and being jaded makes sense. 
Have you ever seen how it affects future relationships? Like the person subconsciously, or maybe purposefully, or even accidentally, sabotages their own relationship to avoid the possibility of getting hurt further? 


And have you ever heard of it making someone cold and unfeeling? Like, they should feel something, but they don't. Like beyond just hurt and pain, but happiness? Something that just completely shuts them down?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Lack of trust and being jaded makes sense.
> Have you ever seen how it affects future relationships? Like the person subconsciously, or maybe purposefully, or even accidentally, sabotages their own relationship to avoid the possibility of getting hurt further?
> 
> 
> And have you ever heard of it making someone cold and unfeeling? Like, they should feel something, but they don't. Like beyond just hurt and pain, but happiness? Something that just completely shuts them down?


*It always seems that the betrayed spouse preeminently seems to be the one to have to pay that ultimate price for any episode of infidelity ~ albeit monetary, psychological, or otherwise!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> It could have life altering effects for both parties, but it doesn't have to be that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Three parties.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

As a WS, it has made me question my very being. I question often what the hell is wrong with me. I also question if what I did just makes me a bad person. I have problems seeing the good in other things I do because my one bad act seems to define me. I feel subhuman being capable of causing someone so much pain.

This is odd.....I don't know if they are related, but I've become much more philanthropic since my affair. I volunteer more, I've organized several drives for people and events, I donate more, I run a non profit organization that collects homecoming and prom dresses for girls who can't afford them. My drive to help others has become greater since I did what I did. Related? I'm not sure, but the time frame fits.

It seems as though doing things for other people is the only way I can see the good in my own heart anymore. Because when I'm not helping others, that's when the ****ty side of me takes over. 

As a BS, I feel like less of a woman. I feel that I'm lacking in some way that my husband would choose to continue contact with a woman for 10 years against my wishes. I feel like I wasn't good enough for him to give all of his love to. I feel like the ultimate second choice. 

I don't have a lot of good feelings in my life as a WS or as a BS. I was also a beaten spouse by my first husband.

I feel inferior to everyone. I never feel good enough, smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, etc. 

I often wonder if I'll ever just BE enough.

I hope it doesn't always feel that way. And I can see it destroying future relationships. I will always be suspicious of a man that has a close female friend or remains friends with an ex. I haven't trusted my husband for long before I broke his trust. I don't know that I can ever blindly trust anyone again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So has anyone just turned into something entirely different? 

Turning into a better or maybe worse person? 

Because I rarely see a BS becoming a selfless person. 

Are the changes a BS undergoes something that they can't undo? Just something they will forever be?


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## donalorow (Dec 14, 2015)

I feel like I wasn't good enough for him to give all of his love to.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Betrayed spouse here.

I made me face truths about myself and marriage and forced me to take a much more sober and clinical look at relationships in general.

It made me face 20 years of cluelessness that had me pursuing something she was just not that into, until she got board enough to go find other guys.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you updated your thread recently, @ScrambledEggs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

After her affair my wife said: "You aren't the man I fell in love with!"

And I thought: "No s**t, Sherlock!" 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

As a BS I can't imagine that I will ever be fully trusting again. We were at a 3 day marriage workshop this weekend and H was in the kitchen talking to a younger pretty (airline stewardess) during our break about her job.

I went into the kitchen and stood there for a moment- then I just thought F**k really? You have to flirt at a marital workshop? I walked away and went into the bathroom cuz I couldn't stand to be that insecure. 

As a WS it changed how I felt about myself. If I was capable of that - what else could I be capable of. I felt like I could never trust my character fully again. This was a long lasting change (22 years) but not permanent. Once I disclosed (thank you TAMers) I realigned my actions more closely to my values. After seeing and feeling the true devastation that an A has,I feel that my character has not been defined by what I did. I have zero fear that I would ever show such a weakness and betrayal again.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

As a BS, I feel a little like Scrambled Eggs. I looked back over the relationship and realized I was in one with an unstable person, and that he had given me the impression for over 13 years that he was anything but; when push came to shove and he faced a health issue, his coping mechanisms collapsed. I don't think I'll ever trust that I can be in a good and healthy relationship ever again and don't intend to go looking for one. Ironically, I did not want to be one of those people in the academy who are successful in their careers, with publications and teaching records, but no life partner, but that is who I shall be, albeit late, since I thought my relationship was more important, and my career was not worth sacrificing the well being of my marriage and life partner. 

I've learned a lot, and have plans to relocate at some point closer to family, to take up a role as an influential aunt and family member to the younger generations, but I miss the family of my h's side some. On the other hand, I don't miss the drama of its dysfunction and its weird self-protective ethos; in other words, I can see how my husband grew up in an environment where there's a distinct lack of attachment, and a lack of awareness on most parts in that family that they do in fact struggle from this phenomenon. My own family has its share of dysfunction, which is why I moved at a young age to other parts of the country (close enough in a crisis, far enough away from the daily soap opera). 

But I thought I married a stand-up guy and a guy who would face down and weather any crisis, and either as he got older he couldn't do it, or he just wanted an escape. I'm trying very hard NOT to resort to escape, and just sitting with myself for a while to get a sense of where I want to be and what I want to do. But a relationship or re-marriage does not factor in to that equation right now.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

As a BS, I will never be the same again. I use to be happy, trusting, secure in a family that I took on ( three step kids ), and a home life I loved.

Now, I am cynical and doubt everyone. I trust no one. I feel stupid for being duped. I don't think I can ever love or trust anyone again. I consider myself a genuine, caring guy, but now I find it hard to do that because I think I will be taken advantage of. It's a terrible feeling that festers inside.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With extremely rare exception, a WS not only becomes a cheater of physical proportions, but also becomes a much better liar and deflector of the truth ~ if you would ever dare refer to those two characteristics as being anywhere close to being humanly desirable! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

As a BS I no longer have total trust/blind trust, which is really a good thing


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

The answers to this question are obviously complex, depending on the individual and what issues they bring to the problem. For me, the initial change was depression; I was suicidal. This forced me to see a therapist, which allowed me to deal with my own demons. I began practicing meditation, which has made me more peaceful, both with myself and in the way I deal with others. I am more social. My STBXW pretty much controlled our social life. All our friends were couples. I have found that I enjoy going out on my own, meeting my own new friends. I'm in the middle of a divorce, and have not been out with other women at this point. I really don't know if I will be able to ever establish an intimate relationship. It'll be interesting to see what develops there.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> But I mean the person. The individual person. Wayward spouse, or the betrayed spouse, does it change them? and how?
> Maybe they were a very caring and trusting person. After an affair, they're cold, or maybe uncaring.
> 
> Or maybe the person was a naturally happy and social person. And now they're reserved, quiet, or something like that.


I still trust and care about a lot of people unless they gave me a reason not too but yes it did change me. I will never leave myself vulnerable again. 

What I mean by that is when I was married, I let myself go physically. I assumed our love was unconditional and took for granted that my spouse would never cheat on me. I gave her the power to manipulate me. I became codependent and she took advantage and stabbed me in the back.

Never again. I urge EVERYONE whether you have been happily married for 50 years or your relationship is on the ropes to NEVER become a codependent. Keep yourself in good shape, maintain a lot of friends, have a life of your own. It's okay to marry but date your spouse forever, don't become complacent or needy. 

You have to put yourself in a position where you could dump your spouse TOMORROW and be in a new relationship by the end of the week. Love your spouse and show them the utmost loyalty but have a ZERO tolerance policy. Be your own person and find someone who you enjoy similar interests with. 

It's sad to have to go through life like that but you really can't depend on anyone but yourself. People change and it's hard enough to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. You can't control anyone but yourself so put check and balances in place so that if the bomb ever drops. You have an evacuation plan lock and loaded.


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## manindespair (Jun 20, 2014)

My wife who cheated become a cocaine addict and alcoholic! Others just become humble!

Each case is different but the most important thing to know is fundamentally the relationship is done! A new one has to be started and it will be different!!! Some better... some un-repairable! 

How is it going to change... no one knows but one things for sure... there is going to be a learning curve and you either ride with it or try again! My advice.... gut tells you everything!


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## manindespair (Jun 20, 2014)

deg20 said:


> As a BS, I will never be the same again. I use to be happy, trusting, secure in a family that I took on ( three step kids ), and a home life I loved.
> 
> Now, I am cynical and doubt everyone. I trust no one. I feel stupid for being duped. I don't think I can ever love or trust anyone again. I consider myself a genuine, caring guy, but now I find it hard to do that because I think I will be taken advantage of. It's a terrible feeling that festers inside.



but how does that benefit you? Deep down you are not cynical... use your experience to know what you also did and learn from it! 

Otherwise.... what is there? Misery???? No way are you going to settle for that!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Can I ask why you are posting this question, Broken?

Are you asking for yourself?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Have you updated your thread recently, @ScrambledEggs?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not. Not a story I am looking forward to telling. Maybe I will update soon, maybe I will wait till the smoke settles and rubble is cleared. I am personally doing very good. Stronger than ever. Just not looking forward to what I have to do.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Can I ask why you are posting this question, Broken?
> 
> Are you asking for yourself?


Yes.

At work several months ago, I talked some guy into buying more insurance than he needed. He didn't need it at the time but if I got him to spend more I got a bigger commission. 

He called me a few weeks ago wanting to meet. When we met he told me he had been injured at work. The week before he was drowning in medical bills, behind on rent, but the extra insurance I sold him paid off the bills he was facing and got him back on his feet. 
I remember him telling me that I must be some angel God sent to him. That if it wasn't for me, and what I sold him, who knows what would've happened. 

I smiled and congratulated him and said I'm glad I was able to help him and save him. But in reality I felt nothing. I didn't care. There was no warm glow to me, just nothing. 


More recently my half sister hunted me down. 
Without getting too into it, she was upset about several things. She yelled at me, cried, it wasn't pleasant. 
Towards the end of her tirade, she asked me what I had to say for myself. I told her I have nothing to say and nothing to give.

And despite her hurt emotions, the fact that I know I was the reason behind her pain (I was/am trying to deal with my own pain that she indirectly causes), even her crying in front of me, I felt nothing. 
Remorse, guilt, regret, anything else I should have felt, I didn't. 


There are other things that have happened, but these are the two biggest ones that stick out. 
I should be feeling something but I'm not. 

Have I fundamentally changed as a person, or was I always like this? I am not expecting a direct answer to that question but I hope to learn something about this, and understand what or why.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Well, for 19 years I thought that my family and I had a pretty nice, calm, stable, respectable life.

Now, even thought I wasn't the one who cheated, I feel like our whole family has a dark secret and we all (children included) wear an invisible, or depending on if the person knows about it, a visible, "A" on our chests.

Also, I feel like we are never on solid rock, but on shifting sand.

:frown2:


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

manindespair said:


> My wife who cheated become a cocaine addict and alcoholic! Others just become humble!
> 
> Each case is different but the most important thing to know is fundamentally the relationship is done! A new one has to be started and it will be different!!! Some better... some un-repairable!
> 
> How is it going to change... no one knows but one things for sure... there is going to be a learning curve and you either ride with it or try again! My advice.... gut tells you everything!


My cheating ex has become a complete she'll of what she was when we met. It seems that it was too easy for her to fall into alcoholism and drugs and hasn't seen her daughter in over a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

I stood against temptations from sexier ladies to find my wife slept around with (at least) my best friend... 
can I say I will do the same if the same circumstance repeat itself in the future? honestly I can't say I can.... 

She didn't even feel guilty about it... what do you think I lost...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

brokenguy said:


> I stood against temptations from sexier ladies to find my wife slept around with (at least) my best friend...
> can I say I will do the same if the same circumstance repeat itself in the future? honestly I can't say I can....
> 
> She didn't even feel guilty about it... what do you think I lost...


The ability to care and feel?


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## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> The ability to care and feel?


the ability to trust and believe


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

brokenguy said:


> the ability to trust and believe


Do you still care about your wife, or STBXW, and best friend? 
Or even your other friends that didn't do this?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

My husbands affair has totally changed me for sure. Not one day goes past that I have thought about him and the other woman. 4 years on nearly. The only thing I now trust is my dogs. They will never hurt me.


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## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> Do you still care about your wife, or STBXW, and best friend?
> Or even your other friends that didn't do this?


yes I care. I have no boiling vengeance or anger, weird as it may seems. 
I just have no trust for anyone now, even toward my friends that has no relation.. the reason I came to anonymous people on the internet is cause I don't / can't trust people I meet face to face.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

deg20 said:


> As a BS, I will never be the same again. I use to be happy, trusting, secure in a family that I took on ( three step kids ), and a home life I loved.
> 
> Now, I am cynical and doubt everyone. I trust no one. I feel stupid for being duped. I don't think I can ever love or trust anyone again. I consider myself a genuine, caring guy, but now I find it hard to do that because I think I will be taken advantage of. It's a terrible feeling that festers inside.


When I total up what my relationship with my wife has cost it is really kind of staggering. To put its in real dollar terms, between compensating for her bad decisions, paying her way and how the divorce is likely to settle the marriage probably cost $2 million dollars over the last 20 years. Parts of my health, the best years of my life toiling to make something special with someone that was just self absorbed and selfish, and perhaps even trust issues with future relationships I have not fully understood. 

Over all of it though what I regret most is the that it did not work and I was too foolish, insecure, and or inexperience with life to see it years ago.


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