# Are my expecations too high?



## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

I am really struggling in my marriage. Actually, that's an understatement-I am already checked out of our marriage, but struggling since I am still here. I went into marriage with the intent to never divorce, EVER. Now, I am stuck between my personal beliefs to not divorce and my marriage that is crushing everything in me.
We have been married 6 years. We dated on and off for 2 years, then didn't speak for 2 years, then got engaged, bought a house and got married a year later. When dating, I would break it off because of many of the same things that are happening in our marriage (yes, I am an idiot). He had promised he had changed, I chose to believe him rather than see if it was true. If only I could go back and knock myself upside the head!

My complaints:
He is just him. There is no 'we'. He wakes up, he has in his mind his day and off he goes. In all of the 11 years, he has always done this. We do not do anything together. I am FINALLY learning to stop hoping weekends will be something together and started making plans of my own. Yes, I do know I can plan something for us, but 11 years of being the only person to consider a weekend as a possibility of time together and the only person to take the initiative gets a little wearing.

He claims family is very important to him, however since the birth of our daughter, this has meant making sure he has plenty of nights out playing poker with his family, watching football with his dad, and going to the 'BBQ's' (that start at 7pm and go until 1am). All these family events include getting drunk, standing outside smoking and smoking pot. I do not go because I do not want my daughter around that stuff and I do not want to be around that stuff.

So, a typical weekend here is him getting up, heading out for yardwork, then popping in for a shower and off to his dad's to hang out with his family. If I throw a fit, he will read our daughter a book and be a few minutes late to leave. I do make plans with friends and let him know where and when they will be, and does join in. He likes to make it look like we have a normal marriage, so he plays the part when we are in front of others (this to me says he does know what ought to be happening).

He is a pot smoker, I am not. He told me it was once in a while (which I would be OK with), but it is every single day. He wants to grow pot since he can get a license and do it legally. It is common knowledge that his teenage neice and nephew are pot smokers and he thinks that is OK. I am not OK with any of that.

Maybe you have picked up on the fact that his family is a bit on the party side of things. I have no intention of raising my daughter around that stuff (as his brother and sister have done with their children).

He talks non-stop and repeats everything he says twice, he makes up facts, he tells me about all the jobs he is doings (a contractor so he travels all across the county installing) for every single day and expects me to remember every thing he tells me. (I realize this complaint is trivial) Admittedly, I tune him out- he never stops talking! The frustrating part is he can't bring himself to let me finish a single sentence. He immediately takes over and tells me how it's just like something he did. After this many years, I just don't tell him anything unless I have to. I do not share my thoughts, the events of my day, nothing! Everyone adores him, however. Because he is so social and talkative, people LOVE him. What they aren't experiencing is someone who dominates the talking all the time.

We argue all the time. Not just disagreements, but nasty arguements that no two adults should be involved in. We make a pathetic effort to not do it in front of our daughter, but it still happens and it is horrible. She does not deserve this.

My daughter means everything to me and my goal is to raise her to the best of my ability. She is 19 months old, I am a stay at home mom. I have taught her sign language and some spanish (neither of which I knew before her). I used to be self employeed making a craft product before she was born, I try to earn extra money doing that while she sleeps so I can pay for horse riding lessons (yes, she is young, but she loves it) and start her college fund. I do not feed her processed foods and cook from scratch all of the meals we eat.

I am on the 'natural' side of things, as I always have been into health and fitness, but I did used to party (just drinking and smoking cigarettes) with my husband when we were dating and before my daughter was born. I outgrew it years before she was born and I am completely over it now.

I should add that my husband and I do not have sex. He does not initiate it (never has) and also doesn't believe in going to bed together. After the first few years of marriage and the struggle with not only being the only one initiating, but getting him to bed in the first place, I just gave up on it. Everything is functional in that department, so it's nothing medical...he just doesn't do it. My daughter was very planned. It only took 2 tries to conceive her. We went 2 years without any sex at all, until 4 months ago in a scheduled attempt to concieve another child. I am 37 years old and he is 41 and the ability to have another child is dwindling extremely quickly-wonderful marriage or not. 

There are of course positive things about my husband; he is a hard worker, can build anything and is very generous with his money (this is a positve and a negative). There are negative things about me (this is according to my husband) I do not bend (I will not raise my daughter away from the partying) and I ride him about everything (about him participating with this family). I agree, I do not bend on things I believe are the ideal way or the alternative is not ideal to my daughters well being. Apparently this is alot of stuff (healthy food, no growing pot, not having her around cigarette smoke, getting her to bed at a regular time). I agree I complain about my husbands actions (I can't seem to just chill about the fact that he goes out partying every weekend).

So, I guess I am wondering if my expecations are unfair. I guess I would love to hear opinions on what you would do. I do not love him, we have been to counseling (he was too busy to make it work), I don't want to be with him but I do want to be able to be a stay at home mom for my daughter. I want to give my daughter the best life possible and I worry that leaving will provide him unsupervised time to expose her to all the partying and staying will expose her to an extremely tension filled lifestyle.

Sorry this is choppy, it's the middle of the night and I just had a lot to get off my chest!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry to tell you I see no solution. You dont want your H to have your daughter at all so you cant divorce and at the same time you dont want to stay together. Why have a child under these circumstances. You may be overdoing it a bit with your daughter I know you want the best. You married into this pot smoking family what did you expect. All you can do at the moment really is make the best of it.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

This marriage is not healthy for you and it will not be healthy for your daughter. I don't think your expectations are too high concerning the drinking and pot smoking. That is a serious danger to your daughter should he take her to these events. I'm not saying people shouldn't drink or smoke pot, but if it is not done in a responsible way it can be very dangerous and fatal. As for custody, unless you can prove some really bad things on him you more than likely will be ordered to let him have visitation. On the other hand he may not really take on the visitation if his daughter is putting a drain on his party life style. I don't know what you should do exactly but like you, I would protect my children to the bitter end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your expectations of a healthy, drug free environment for your child are not unreasonable.

You married a man who you knew was doing pot, drank a lot and partied with his family.

Did he tell you that he would not do these things to get your to marry him?

If you divorce him, he (and his family) will most likely have your daughter 50% of the time. She will most likely grow up to do pot and things that he does that you do not approve of.

Your trying to have another child in this situation makes no sense.

It seems that you have a non-marriage really. If you divorce him you will at least have your peace. 

Don't know what else to tell you.


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## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

I knew he smoked pot and partied, so what did I expect? Well, I was in my 20s when I met him and was doing the same thing (expect the pot) because I was young and my responsibilities were minimal. Before we married, he did tell me he only did pot once in a while and that the partying had mellowed out (by this time I had grown up, bought a home and was comfortably single and successful and had a lot to loose if I didn't make wise choices). Before getting pregnant I said the primary requirement was non-smoking parents. PERIOD. Got pregnant, he started smoking again. I expected support while pregnant (and expressed this) and was left at home alone while he went out and partied. With the birth of my daughter, my life as I knew it was completely different. I adore the gift of being a mother. I adore the amazing little girl I am blessed with. I expected that since he was her father, he would be moved to participate, grow up and join THIS family.

Though, I married someone knowing he was a partier and a pot smoker, I didn't know that that would never change. My life has changed entirely. I have grown up in the last decade. To have to foresight to know someone and their family is going to act 20 years old the rest of their life, would have taken some serious fortune telling.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I made a stupid call. I was given the most amazing little girl though, and just want to make the smartest decisions to build her the best future possible.


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