# World class chump?



## JR3107 (Nov 27, 2020)

My wife of 15 years has told me she no longer loves me, hasn’t enjoyed sex for the last few years and gets nauseous whenever I touch her. She moved me into the spare bedroom 4 months ago and cut all intimacy and affection off saying she doesn’t want a divorce, that we’re just going to live as roommates. 

The reason? She says I’m verbally abusive and treat her bad. She blames me for everything she’s not happy with in her life. There certainly have been moments I’m not proud of when things were said during the heat of an argument, but they’re said by both parties and don’t happen nearly as often as she claims. My wife has said repeatedly that she has done nothing wrong and that where we’re at is 100% my fault alone. She has a huge ego and an excuse for everything. Note: there’s never been adultery, physical abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, or consistent verbal or emotional abuse. Anytime we have a disagreement, I’m flooded with everything I’ve done wrong in our 15 year marriage. She refuses to forgive. It feels like she over looks everything I do right and then champions whenever I do something wrong. Is it odd she journals what I do wrong as a way to keep score?

I work and generate 100% of our income. There’s no reason for her not to work. She just doesn’t. She admittedly has said she has no pride in our home and puts very little effort into anything a normal homemaker should. My wife spends her day sleeping, working out, on her phone scouring the internet & social media, talking with friends (all single & mostly divorced) and running errands(?). 

We have two boys that she’s done an excellent job instilling a strong Christian faith (we both have). She makes sure our kids are fed well and does her best to get them to sporting events and school, but takes very little interest in their likes and interests. I’m the one who usually has to make sure homework and chores are done. At home, my boys can be found on some form of electronic for endless hours while my wife tends her social, beauty and sleep needs. 

I’ve been going to counseling and spend 1-2 hours daily working on bettering myself. My wife refuses to go to counseling or spend any time improving herself or our marriage saying she’s already been to enough counseling, that she knows it all and all our issues are my fault. I’ve asked her to send me a letter laying out what she’s upset about, and she says that I already know and that it would be a waste of her time. Our broken marriage doesn’t seem to bother her at all. I feel she’s using me and going to ride this out as long as she can. 

I know that I have been submissive to prevent fights and enabled her to do whatever she wants over the years. She gets defensive and emotional so quickly. The rage she’s shown in the past has made me concerned for both her safety and mine so I stuff a lot. On top of this, my company has been hit hard by the pandemic. We’ve already had a 20% pay reduction and more than likely we’ll see more reductions over the coming months. Any attempt I make to talk about this with my wife is met with criticism. I’m a devoted husband who’s trying very hard to make his wife happy, but by doing so, I’m losing myself. I’m a 44 year old executive in fantastic shape who’s very depressed and lost a lot of confidence in himself. 

How long do I keep trying to make my marriage work?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

How long do you try to make the marriage work? What marriage? D now and be happy.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What's Christian about ignoring her marriage vows and withholding intimacy? Don't accept this treatment. Life can be SO much better.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Since she's so perfect and you're such a rotten apple (per her), just walk. If you're as terrible as she makes you sound, she won't miss you at all and life will be peaches and roses and rainbows for her from here on out. It sounds like you'll be much better off without someone like that in your life as well.


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## JR3107 (Nov 27, 2020)

Sometimes you know the answer, but still fight for the sliver of hope something clicks. Thanks for the feedback.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

JR3107 said:


> My wife of 15 years has told me she no longer loves me, hasn’t enjoyed sex for the last few years and gets nauseous whenever I touch her. She moved me into the spare bedroom 4 months ago and cut all intimacy and affection off saying she doesn’t want a divorce, that we’re just going to live as roommates.


I'm living this myself, after 30 years of marriage. But at least my wife's saying it's 50/50...  I don't think you have a chance in hell to recover your marriage. Sorry.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know what you have to do. You just (thus far) lack the fortitude to do so.

When you finally reach your point and file, she will become even more angry...as she will be losing the one thing she uses (yes...uses) you for: financial security.

What you have to decide is whether you will continue to let fear of the unknown dictate your decisions...and the longer you allow it, the more you will hate yourself for allowing it.

It is time to look out for yourself. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Um, if I was you I would be talking to an attorney and especially bringing up her verbal abuse language with him. Based on what you wrote it seems like she might be preparing to take you to the cleaners. Better to be prepared for this just in case.

Insofar as her behavior when you say, “She moved me...” it made me cringe. If my wife straight up said she was repulsed by me I’d be emailing attorneys right then and there. At a minimum you need to have some self respect and self esteem. I know it’s hard when you feel the woman you married and took vows with isn’t living up to them but in this case she’s literally smacking you in the face with it.

How you can live like this for months I have no idea. I’m not trying to be mean or anything, hopefully this perspective is helpful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is cheating. The day she moved you out of the bedroom was when she made the decision to be loyal to her affair partner.

“oh she’s not, she’d never do that”. You are about to learn a lot about your wife.

please, don’t be stupid enough to confront her or ask about this. Cheaters lie every time.

get a PI, put a voice activated recorder under the seat of her car, and preparefor the worst. If you don’t get an attorney now, you are a chump.

if you continue to live like this, you’re a chump.

If you ignore the advice of men who have been through this, you’re asking fir more pain.

she’s cheating. Plain and simple. Guaranteed. Yes, there is a way.

Don’t ask her. Dig. You’ll find it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

JR3107 said:


> I work and generate 100% of our income. There’s no reason for her not to work. She just doesn’t.





JR3107 said:


> a strong Christian faith (we both have)


Your wife's indolence is not a hallmark of "strong Christian faith"....neither is her rejection of you sexually. Neither is:



JR3107 said:


> spends her day sleeping, working out, on her phone scouring the internet & social media, talking with friends (all single & mostly divorced)
> my boys can be found on some form of electronic for endless hours while my wife tends her social, beauty and sleep needs.
> She has a huge ego and an excuse for everything.


Luke 6:46 (KJV)

_And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? _

My brother, you may have a strong Christian faith, but your wife DOES NOT. None of the things you have pointed out are in congruence with God's word, rather, are direct signs of her refusal to submit to His Lordship in her life. She may want a Savior, may even be convinced of her need for a Savior, but unless He is Lord, He isn't Savior....

It is going to be very difficult for you to overcome this selfishness your children's mother is teaching them.

And,,I agree with the others....most likely, she is an adulteress, too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Btw, why did you let her kick you out of your own bedroom? What have you done?
You aren’t acting like a man of strength by allowing your wife to disrespect you like this and then tell YOU to get out. Dude, you pay the bills and her cheating rear is sitting at home scoping out men in the internet most likely while you’re at work. They easily could be having sex with her in your bed, that you were removed from. I’d be back in my own bed or die. That is so disgusting.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So I am going to do some speculating but it's not uninformed, it's based on stories like this that we read over and over for years here and other places online. And yes your is very common though you probably don't know it.

Over and over on here, it's shown, having one spouse staying at home for long periods of time just makes them entitled. It changes the dynamic from husband and wife to Parent and Child (doesn't matter what the gender is). You just read it all the time. Before you divorce I would make her get a job. Your not her father. Stop treating her like your kid. I might even say part of this is to prepare her for the possibility that you will not be staying married and you have no intention of living the rest of your life like this. That might put the fear of God in her. It's may be a last shot but that seems to be where you are anyway. It will also help with the inevitable alimony you probably will have to pay. But I would do something else first.

She also are very wrong about her instilling Christian values. Having you move into a separate bedroom is very much the antithesis of what Christianity teaches. There are lots of verses on this. 

But what I would do first is, do some digging and make sure she is not having an affair. She has all the hallmarks. People in long term affairs bond with their paramours, the spouse become a hindrance to that and a target of all their animus. That may be the case here. You might want to put a voice activated recorder of VAR in her car or something, then have the discussion about getting a job and then see if she talks about you forcing her hand. More over see who she talks to. Shake the trees. That might give you info, also see what you an find on her phone. Figure out how to check her app usage, which is a common feature of phones, see if that app is a chat app. Finally the old stand by check your phone bill and see if there are any strange numbers that are regularly called. After all she has all day alone to do whatever she wants.

If she is cheating then just divorce there is really no other reasonable advice at that point, given what your wife has done. If not though, then despite my other advice this doesn't mean that you have played a part in all this. 

So I don't want to discount YOU in this problem and my advice for it though either. First as a man we all know your first role is as a provider, but it's not your ONLY role. Besides in today's world provider doesn't just mean wealth. You also need to provide for your wife emotionally. You my very well be one of these guys that thinks bringing home a pay check makes you a good husband. I could just say that's wrong, but that is not strong enough. That is straight up lazy, cowardly ********. NO MAN in today's day and age should still have this attitude. And if he does he has his head in his ass. And don't think he is not competing with other men who GET IT and are MUCH MORE desirable to most women. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you can't be emotionally intelligent and try to provide emotionally for you wife to some extent.

Your wife is not just an orifice for you to get off, and to later be your mom (sorry to be blunt but some husbands treat their wives just as blunt). She needs nurturing, kindness, and to be emotionally pursued, she needs to feel like the most important person in your life, and like she is valued and attractive. You can do that. If you need to know how ask on here, but it's like any other problem we men solve, (Yes just like you car or your computer) do some research, try some stuff. Work on it, get better at it. Even if it isn't this women now it will be the next one.

Now to the anger thing. What are we really talking about? If you are like my ex-stepfather who repeatedly yelled, was abusive and was hysterical in his anger, then I say you just plain blew it and it's probably over. Eventually everyone he ever knew totally lost respect for him, because his actions showed no respect for himself or anyone else. He didn't have the dignity to control himself and vomited the worse of his nature on everyone else. **** people like that whoever it is. If that is you you better rethink your life because you will ruin all your relationships.

If you have lost your temper and been abusive but want to change I suggest you don't just apologize but you do some research on what it does to a person to be treated that way then couch our apology in that. "I know I said I am sorry but after doing some soul searching I want to know did I make you feel like this (describe what it is you think she might have felt like, then open a dialog about it and be responsive, AND DON'T BE DEFENSIVE). LEARN from that, change and don't do it again. Bring it up as you start to really take stock in what you have done. Maybe she will see the earnest desire and eventual change and you can repair the damage.

Finally part of your problem could be that you have failed to lead in your marriage. I find most wives don't want to be the leader they want to be with someone who takes charge because they have enough trouble having to be the primary emotional support of the children. They want to feel safe and if they have to make all the decisions they don't. They also don't want to be their husband's Mommy. That may be having the hard discussion of, either we fix this with consoling, hard work and contrition by both of us, or we divorce. Lot's of men completely discount the fact that their wives sometimes push to see resistance as a way to test your strength. I don't even know they know they are doing this. Part of being a leader means confronting. Not being afraid of that. Being a good man means dealing with confrontation. That is just life.

Now from your description this doesn't sound like your marriage but we only have one side of the story here. So I want to cover all bases. I think you need to have a long talk with her and it sounds like divorce and her working needs to be a part of that discussion as this situation is unsustainable in the long term. If you divorce she is going to be working no matter what you have to pay out. BUT, if any of the stuff I wrote could pertain to you, then the talk may need to be very different. You both are going to have to be contrite and come to this with a willing attitude if you want to save the marriage. IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE SAYING WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY, WRITE IT DOWN FIRST AND READ IT TO HER. If one of you refuses then I suggest you stop wasting your time and get divorced. (Check your phone first though. She may will be cheating and at that point there is nothing left to save, you will have a better life if you move on.)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s said that touching you is nauseating and kicked you out of your own bedroom.
Divorce her and don’t look back. 
there is no fixing this. Own your faults, but realize she’s cheating and once that happens, putting the toilet paper on backwards is enough to make you an evil scumbag. This is a Classic case of cheating. I’d bet my next paycheck. Literally.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Have you noticed any change in her behaviour before she threw you out of your own room?

Like others have said there a good chance she is cheating. Ceasing all physical contact with you may be because she doesn't want to cheat on her affair partner with you.

Do some investigation get her phone, Var and find out where she's going and who might be coming to your house when you are away.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She isnt acting like a Christian wife should. If she isnt working then she needs to be the one who does the majority of the work at home and put more efffort into helping the children.
Surely she knows that a marriage as God describes isnt just living as room mates?
I wonder if you could chat to your pastor or a trusted Christian friend about this?

Honestly we dont know what you have said to her and whether the way you speak to her has deeply hurt her, but that doesnt excuse her from lazing about at home.
A married woman having all single mostly divorced friends is a terrible idea. It was probably them who told her to throw you out of the bedroom. She needs some counsel from some wise married Christian women.

If she refuses to work on anything and just laze about, its hard to see how anything will change, I wonder if she would make more effort if she knew you may leave?


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