# possible infidelity?



## on_the_edge (Dec 19, 2010)

It is hard to compress my story in few words, so this will be a long post. in the least least, i can vent. English is not my first language, so I apologize about not very skillful writing. 

I am married for 5 years, both my wife and I 40 y.o. We do not have kids together, she has three and I have one from previous marriages.

My son first lived with us and then moved in with my ex-wife. I felt it was in part fault of my wife and because of that I have been resentful and angry with my wife for the last two years and afraid pushed her away. I threatened with divorce several times but each time got back to her within few days for reasons I cannot clearly define. When I was apart from her, I could not breath. 

she said i can have sex any time I want but she does not come and encourages my to finish as quickly as possible. claims that my breath stinks (even though I went to dentist and she and the hygenist both said my mouth of OK and does not stink and so does not want kisses mouth to mouth, these things kill my desire to have sex with her. She said she cannot fully trust me and that is why cannot have joy in sex. 

Last break up happen two weeks ago because I noticed my wife is exchanging multiple e-mails with her ex-husband and then she went to a charity party in which he participated as well when I was out of town seeing my son (she did tell me about it). I did not want to be controlling and allowed her to go there, but then realized I cannot stand this fact and so the fight/break-up occurred.

We reconciled next day, but there is no closeness between us. She said I am smothering her and she needs some space. I have been reading about similar situations and followed one of strategies that suggested that one should not try to breach the gap as that would only push your partner further away. Instead I said it was a good idea and we both need some space. I got a haircut, bought a few things for myself that I have not done in a long time and went to a couple activities by myself. It felt good. I also started reading forums and self-help books mentioned at this forum. By the way, "The way of superior man" made a lot of sense to me and according to this book I let go of my masculinity in our relationship and she developed a lot of masculine trends to compensate for that. I started talking more to other people and today went out with a male friend I made. We had a lunch and talked. After that, we had good interaction with my wife and then I went upstairs to work on house remodeling.She was laying in bed sick but then she suddenly appeared upstairs all dressed up and said she is going out. She mentioned I went out today too, so there is no reason she cannot do the same. She also went out last night with some "friend" to bowling, or so she said, and returned after 1:00 am. Tonight will be probably the same late arrival.

Now, after reading all these books I took a very different view on our relationships. First, I realized I was a bad communicator and let my masculine side turn into more feminine. I also projected jealousy because of insecurity. I have some traits of "nice guy". I decided to work on myself, let go of jealousy and look at this experience as opportunity for spiritual and personal growth. Still, it is very hurtful when my wife goes out by herself late into the night.

So, I am pondering what should I do? Is this a test she is using to see if am I still jealous and insecure? Is she simply taking advantage of the situation to meet someone new and start new relationship? Is she trying to heal herself by trying to meet new people and has no romantic agenda? There are a lot of facts here I have not mentioned, like her recent break-up with her mother and half-sister which left her very angry, but I hope you get a general picture and could offer an insight.

My present position is given that our marriage has been traumatized in so many ways and some of the wounds are still very fresh, not to make rush conclusions or decisions and try to stick it out for at least few month and see if things get better with me keeping my cool, engaging in activities with male friends, working on my spirituality and masculine side of myself. If she does decide to cheat on me, I will be hurt but I figured I will come out better man in any case. I also made decision not to spy on her in any way. Am I completely misguided here and trying to save something that is already gone?

Thank you,

on_the_edge


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