# Tiny victory for me...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yesterday I found an old email on my computer that I thought I had deleted...it was from OW to H and it was some kind of song lyrics about loving someone every day and at the end of the email she said to him how much she loved him...well those angry/upset feelings started again.

So I woke up last night in the middle of the night and of course my thoughts went to H and our situation..my thoughts became negative and I started to think I can't trust this person, what am I doing, I should just kick him out, etc. etc. I thought when he gets up and starts to get ready for work I am going to bring this all up again about the doubts I have, how angry I feel, etc. etc.

Instead after about an hour my negative thinking dissipated and I started to feel better..it is a victory for me as strange as it sounds because I tend to want to vent and hash it out and instead I just did it in my mind and then I started to feel better on my own without venting out loud...which is huge for me because I tend to want to vocalize everything I am feeling/thinking, etc. Small steps I guess....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good for you! Sounds like you got triggered, and instead of responding out of a place of blind emotional reaction, you thought it through and dealt with those feelings in an appropriate manner.

Or, in other words -- you rocked


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks...this is so hard though..I struggle just about every day with conflicting emotions!

I hope with time it becomes easier!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Not a tiny victory at all.

The way you handled this is the way to always handle anger as much as you possibly can. It is a powerful feeling. Sometimes it's justified, and other times it's not.

Look at this as something even bigger than you've described it as being. A way of handling anger no matter how it arrives at your doorstep. Not just infidelity, but any injustice you sense in your world.

I googled "what is anger" and found a really useful summary on pbs.org



> Common misconceptions
> 
> It’s bad to feel angry.
> While anger usually makes us feel bad, it’s an emotion, and is not in itself bad. It also serves as a warning to let us know when a situation is not right. Anger can also be a strong motivator to speak up and make change.
> ...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Good work, highwood. You're trusting yourself to handle all of the information instead of reacting to part of it. This strategy will help you stay more emotionally stable through this turbulent process if you can keep doing it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Highwood~

#1...*GOOD JOB!!* YAY very good job I'm so proud of you. :smthumbup: That is a victory indeed, because only you can change what you think...and what you think affects how you feel and what you do.

#2...next time you have something that triggers you and then a little later you have those negative thoughts flooding in, I suggest that you think of this stop sign: 










Tell yourself "Hey. I'm thinking those negative thoughts again and I can choose to *STOP* in the name of love" Then immediately think of one thing your Hubby did that day or the day before that made you feel all loved and happy. Like this: "I'm going to think about when Hubby brought home those Hershey Kisses last night just because I like them. YEAH I'll think about THAT!!"


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Highwood~
> 
> Then immediately think of one thing your Hubby did that day or the day before that made you feel all loved and happy.


That is a great idea, but what if you can't think of something...because there was nothing?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Then think of the Boston Celtics.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Krichali said:


> Question: where is the line between doing this "in the name of love" vs rug sweeping? I mean, you have these negative feelings. The WS caused them. He's supposed to help you work through them. But instead, you never let him know, because you switch to thinking about how nice he was some other time. So things go all nice and happy in spite of you having negative feelings inside. Won't that bring you to a place where he thinks everything is ok and you're over it, when you aren't? I get that you don't want to be yelling at him, but how do you know when to share your feelings and when to "stop in the name of love"?


Bingo..that is what I struggle with. That is what the MC told me as well to learn how to self comfort myself instead of bringing it up...and what you stated has gone thru my mind many many times. Why should I have to stifle my feelings, I am not the one that brought this third party into our marriage...he did! He chose willingly (no one held a gun to his head) to continue contact for 7 months with this person (who was overseas so it would have been easy to end it but he didnt') and lie to me about it. Then I am supposed to be the pleasant positive wife to him...

Believe me that is what causes my conflicting emotions on a daily basis....one part of the day I want to make it work and then the next hour I am thinking towards him...**** off get out of my life!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Don't get me wrong I appreciate what everyone is saying regarding thier support however what you stated has definently gone thru my head many times. Although for me maybe I have to learn to bring it up in a healthier less angry way...I don't know what the answer is! This is such a hard thing to deal with..I envy any couple that hasn't experience infidelity.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Yay Highwood!!! The fact that you are saying you are aware of how you are going to work at your approach bringing up issues in a less angry way is a GREAT VICTORY too...so mark it up as TWO NOW! ha

Our best friends in the world have kids our kids ages (our daughters are connected at the hips they are BFF) and we travel 2-3 times a year together, etc. They had one small issue (porn related with H) and I remember thinking to myself "glad it's not me" but worked and healed with them....SO NOT THE CASE on this. I envy them now and their happiness. Not good for a friendship.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ingalls...that is a good point..sometime an affair can bring issues to the forefront that were being ignored and thus even though it is painful for a while make the marriage in the end better. I've had a couple of members here pm'ing me and offering insight and great advice and it is much appreciated.

It is a hard road to be on but sometimes I think, if I am honest, if this hadn't happened in my marriage, H and I would be heading into a marriage of further complacency and no intimacy..at least now we have had good discussions and better communication. So something positive has occured. Just hard to remember that at times...sigh!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Highwood~

I hope you don't mind but although it's not specifically addressing YOU and your post, there are two folks here who asked GREAT questions and they pertain to the topic (and thus indirectly to you and your situation). So without further adieu I'd like to answer them! 



> That is a great idea, but what if you can't think of something...because there was nothing?


Okay not every spouse does something wonderful and loving every day. That's just reality. Sometimes all we do is wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, eat, plop in front of the TV, and go to bed! lol 

However, even in the above example sometimes a change of perspective can change that into a positive light! That same person didn't just lay in bed all day, they took the time for some personal hygiene and dressed nicely, they worked hard all day to provide for the family, they didn't go out and come home at 3am, they enjoyed your cooking, they hung out with you like a buddy, and then they went to bed with you and cuddled up in bed. 

My point here is not to Pollyanna everything, but rather that as women and wives sometimes can pretty easily see the point of view of "what they did wrong" or "what didn't please us" and yet completely bypass the exact same action as seen from the point of view of "what they did right"!

So if you can't think of something because there was nothing, I'd say first to just double check and see if there might not be the other side of the coin on some actions. Kind of review yourself. Then next I'd look at "the present" overall, or maybe "this week" or something along that line. The fact is, we are ALL allowed to have a bad day or a day when we just don't relate that well...it happens. But if you're attempting to reconcile, one of the challenges is that both partners need to take control of the way they think of their spouse and change the focus. EVERY person has qualities that aren't so great--every person has qualities that really are fabulous and unique to them! So if you are reconciling and you say you're in love with the guy (or gal) I assume there's *something* about them that you like! What is it? What are they doing NOW that gives you hope or encourages you or makes you smile? 


Next:


> Question: where is the line between doing this "in the name of love" vs rug sweeping? I mean, you have these negative feelings. The WS caused them. He's supposed to help you work through them. But instead, you never let him know, because you switch to thinking about how nice he was some other time. So things go all nice and happy in spite of you having negative feelings inside. Won't that bring you to a place where he thinks everything is ok and you're over it, when you aren't? I get that you don't want to be yelling at him, but how do you know when to share your feelings and when to "stop in the name of love"?


THIS is a fabulously good question! The line between "the name of love" and rug sweeping is that the WS didn't "cause" your feelings; you chose them. Let me give a quick example of what I mean--your WS makes $1000 a month. You could choose to focus on how that won't cover a Nordstrom CC bill and be pretty pissed and unhappy...or you could choose to focus on how the two of you together make plenty now and now you guys have $1000 more a month to spend and be pretty darn tickled about it and happy. You make the feeling. 


This is actually a pretty common misunderstanding that people have. No other human being "makes" you feel anything. Yeah sure they act in a way that is very likely to result in such-and-such a feeling for you, but in the end you choose it. So in a healthy relationship it would look like this:

Your WS chooses poorly and has an emotional affair. You find out you've been betrayed and choose to feel sad and hurt. You and your WS make the choice to reconcile. The two of you are doing okay-ish. Your WS wears cologne that you know the OP loved, and you trigger. You feel sad, hurt, and angry. You check yourself to be sure there's not another way you could look at the cologne--and see that there is: namely that your WS likes to smell good and that's a trait you LIKE about your WS. This helps some with the trigger in that you choose to focus more on the "my WS likes to smell good" and less on the particular fragrance chosen. Then when your WS comes home, you are honest with them about what you think and how you feel, but you keep it on you: _"When you wore HOTBODY cologne today, it reminded me that the OP loved that smell and I thought about it. I felt sad, hurt and angry about the affair. Then I remembered that you like to smell good and I do like that about you. Soooo...I'd like to request that we go together, as a couple, and find you a new signature fragrance that we both find delicious and it will be 'just us' with no attachment to anyone else. I'd also request that we dispose of the HOTBODY by either dumping it symbolically down the toilet or giving it to Goodwill."_ 

See how that does not avoid the feelings or thoughts, but it also does not say to the WS "*YOU *MADE ME FEEL BAD!"? That's because they didn't--they just wore some fragrance! How you react is up to you. Likewise it's open and honest and transparent, and it gives them a chance to choose to say "Okay let's go get a new fragrance" or to not agree but to make a suggestion that would work for them. Also it doesn't make the WS guess about what to do to fix it--you make a request! 

In a summary, I'm not saying "don't share your feelings." I'm saying that before you share, check and see if this might be one of those old records playing in your head that you need to change. If it is, and you see that's it's just an old repeating tape and you want to change, the way to do it is that when you get that thought you recognize it and identify it (for example: "Oh wait. That's one of those negative thoughts I'm trying to change!") Then you visualize the stopsign. Then you say "What should I replace this thought with? Hmm...I know a positive thought!" Then you think if maybe this "negative" has a positive component...like you are looking at the HEADS side of the coin, and the positive side of the same coin is the TAILS side. THEN later on when you've wrestled it a bit on your own, you share with your partner, openly and honestly, and say that "When you... I think.... I feel.... So I'd like to request...." and make a request that puts the two of you together on the same side rather than the two of you as competitors.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Delete the email.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

AC....tonight my MC said your second point-wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think sometimes keeping stuff to yourself as advised by a counselor is worth considering. It might not be good to let someone who cheated on you or was otherwise abusive, know how deeply they were able to hurt you. So long as YOU know you are hurt, and can comfort yourself, and maintain control over how and when you choose to express your emotions, good or bad, you're good. Likewise, giving too much positive reinforcement to someone after they have cheated on you could also not be in your best interest. 

Personally I think some amount of emotional stability is a very good thing. It's not that you don't have emotions, you just don't let them steam on down the track full speed with no brakes. That kind of emotional expression, the kneejerk out of control type, good or bad, just leads to trouble unless you are at a sporting event or an election and even then it might get you into trouble :-o

And yes, came to this conclusion via experience. It was an easier lesson to learn dealing with friend's crazy relatives than with my own intimate relationships, but it doesn't matter, I finally learned the lesson of out of control emotions, and how good it feels to be able to be in control of them and then to think them through, etc. and not be a slave to them.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

This was kind of a struggle for me - was it rug sweeping or dealing with my feelings in a way that would help me move forward?

Because I'd let out my emotions so often and so loudly at first I knew there was no way he could think we were suddenly okay.

I reached a point where I had to show him that I was serious about reconciliation, too. One of the ways I could do that was to learn to deal with triggers myself when I could. When I couldn't, I had to ask for his help in a reasonable way. I like the cologne example AC shared. I used similar tactics when I was on my game. 

I also realized that dealing with these myself helped me move forward. Always taking the triggers to him made me stay in a place where we were spinning our wheels. This doesn't mean that we acted like there had never been an issue, but it does mean that at some point I had to let go.

When I look back on the time when I started helping myself get through my triggers, that was about the time I began to feel human again. At that point I knew I was starting to get myself back. I think it's a big victory to get to the point where you can get through triggers without venting.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

A/C..great points! I think as you stated and the MC said..if you keep rehashing the same thing..to keep getting the same reassurances, it just becomes a vicious circle. I think for me I feel that if I do not keep bringing it up then he will think that I have forgotten about it and he is forgiving.

As Dr. Phil says you get a payoff for any kind of behaviour both good and bad..so for me the payoff is the reassurance I get and the fact that I vented so now I feel better but he probably doesn't. He probably lives on the edge not sure when he comes home is she going to be okay or are we going to get into it again??? Not a good way to have a good productive R.

As someone said at some point you have to let it go or when you bring it up do it in a constructive way.


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for the response AC. You response to both questions has certainly given me something to think about. And highwood, sorry for thread-jacking...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

ltj7708 said:


> Thanks for the response AC. You response to both questions has certainly given me something to think about. And highwood, sorry for thread-jacking...


No worries....take care!


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