# Why Can't I Move on, I Believe She Has



## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

My wife and I have been seperated for 6 weeks now and I have filed for a divorce, although I have not had her served. She has not attempted to contact me in any way, even when I've emailed her about the insurance and to remind her to have the oil changed on her car. No response. We have been together 9 years and married for 6. This is both our second marriage and we have no children between us. The only thing we share is the house mortgage. No other checking accounts, credit cards, etc. We've always maintained seperate bank accounts. Our main issue has always been our respective families. Especially mine. 

My mother and grown daughter have never liked her. When we first visited my mother, who lives in another town. All my future wife did was keep her nose in a magazine for most of the visit. This did not sit well with my "old school" mom who believes a new or perspective daughter n law should jump right in with the family with conversation and chores, and my new girlfriend did not. Although mom did not like her she has never said anything to ugly or rude to her. 

My daughter has been a different story. She has made no secret of the fact she did not like my wife and has said so. For a long time she would only refer to her as "that woman" and honestly I did not do enough to put a stop to it. My daughter would often invite me to family functions but say "that woman" is not invited. After a couple of years of this I told my daughter that if my wife was not invited neither was I and I would not attend any functions. The last time my wife and daughter laid eyes on each other was Christmas Eve 2 years ago. When I went upstairs to see my grandkids my daughter told my wife that the only reason she was allowed in her house was because she was my wife, but she was not welcomed there. I didn't find out about this until we had left and were driving home. I started to call her but my wife said to forget it, it would just cause more trouble. 

In our own home we lived with her two daughters. One is 5 years older than the younger one and has left for college. The older one and I never got along. She was always rude towards me. I often feel because her father kept her stirred up. She would say things like "my daddy says I don't have to mind you", or "my daddy says he and my mommy were getting back together until you came along. We'd be a family again" Me and the younger one always got along well. My only rule about the oldest girl is that once she turned 18 she had to move out. I don't care if she went cross town or across the country, but she wouldn't live there. She could come visit, bring her laundry, come eat. But she could not live there. To have a minor in my house being ugly with me was one thing, but not once she was considered an adult.

Our current problems: Since my wife feels my family has never liked her and I never defended her my kids and grandkids are not allowed to come to our house. I could go visit them all I wanted, but they could not come to our house. I have a grown daughter and son and 6 grandkids. So there would be not visiting PaPa at home. No backyard BBQs, No Sunday dinners with the kids and grandkids. This is something I just could not agree to. And is the main reason we've seperated. Even though she says I can go see them all I want it still makes them mad when I do. Whenever they call the house she screams "Your G/D Kids are calling again. Why do your G/D Kids have to call so much". So you can see she does not like for me to have any contact with them. She has told me they're grown and they should just get out of our lives, we'd be better off.

The second issue is her temper. I've never seen a female with such a violent temper. I have been shoved over furniture, into the fireplace, through our bedroom window. She has called me vile names, "You're not a man, you're just a p---y". My clothes have been ripped out of the closet and thrown into the front yard more times than I can count. Recently when I thought my wife would be gone all day I brought my 16 year old granddaughter over to spend time with me and help me clean the garage. She had not left by the time I thought she would and when I showed up with my granddaughter she started yelling "get her out of here, she's not welcome here, you don't care about how I feel." My granddaughter started crying so we left.

Two days later I told her my kids can come over this was my house too. She told me "why don't you go f--k your granddaughter and your daughter too. I moved out that week.

For my part I admit I was never supportive enough of her with my family. Mainly my daughter. We have seperated before and so for the last year I've kind of withdrawn myself from her. Trying to wean myself off her for the seperation to come. I always knew the issue of my family not being allowed to come to the house would come to a head sooner or later. I was not as attentive as I should have been, nor as loving.

Now that we've seperated I've filed for a divorce, but have not had her served. I wanting to contact her to see if we could try counselling to work out our differences and perhaps come together as a family again. But we tried counselling several years ago with no long lasting success. 

It appears she has moved on since she has made no attempt to contact me or try to work anything out. Her uncle tells me she is who she is and will never change. I believe people can change if they want to. I feel I should show her more attention, but she needs to change her attitude about my kids and get her temper under control.

I do love this woman and would like to work it out, but logic tells me things won't change, I should accept this, serve her with the divorce papers and move on. I hate waking up each morning in this little apartment and not having her with me. The mornings and weekends seem to be the worse.

I'd appreciate any advice. Should I attempt to contact her and see if she would try the counselling route? Or move forward with the divorce and my life. I guess on some level I'm just afraid of the pain I know will come.

Thanx


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi.
Just a quick reply.
Bit hard on you but she sounds awful and i would not want to be in the same house with her.I have been there and from what i see you are just like me ( worried about been lonely?) Well i have had so much [email protected] from my STBXW i just dont want to see her face and you will feel the same eventually. I tried all sorts of things to keep her but it was a waste of time and heartbreak.Why try to keep someone who doesnt want to keep you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would you even want to try to save it? The insulting comment about your granddaughter and daughter alone would be enough to get out, in my opinion.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I believe you're right. I just think about all the "what ifs" What if I'd done this or What if I'd done that. I'm starting to blame the breakup on me. But in the end it is her hatred for my kids and grandkids that drove us apart. Seems if she wanted to she could put that aside for the sake of her marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

People leave relationships for two reasons 1) to escape from abuse 2) to pursue other relationships. You don't seem abusive, but perhaps you and her just weren't a match and being in your presence drained the life from her (not anyone's fault per se)? Or if not, then who is the other man she is seeing?

Maybe she has "moved on". I know my ex certainly hit the street running when she left me, there were lots of options she saw herself having and she wasn't going to miss out.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

She's verbally and physically abusive. You don't deserve that. It would takes years of work to repair what has been damaged. You don't have time to waste on your life. Work on your issues and repair yourself. Instead of wasting more time on her wait for someone that will treat you and your family with the respect that you deserve. If she wanted to work it out she'd be in touch with you. I think we all blame ourselves for the fallout of the relationship. That's normal. Focus on you. See a therapist.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I'm not sure if she is or has been seeing someone. I've never checked into it that deeply. My father used to say careful what you go loking for, you may just find it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It sounds like your wife did act crazy, but in the future I'd recommend you not stand by while your family treats whatever woman you have in your life like crap. I really don't know why you would expect your wife to stand by while your adult daughter treats her like garbage; I can assure you that if my hb's adult daughter referred to me as "that woman" we'd have issues too. And your wife didn't conform to your mothers expectations of how she should act and that justifies treating her poorly? She might not have been openly rude but you know it was clear to your wife. In your other thread you said it took threats from you to get your wife invited to family functions and then you couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to go? Really? This one has her own issues and you're probably better off without her but the family behavior you describe is going to cause you problems with any woman you bring around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lon said:


> People leave relationships for two reasons 1) to escape from abuse 2) to pursue other relationships. You don't seem abusive, but perhaps you and her just weren't a match and being in your presence drained the life from her (not anyone's fault per se)? Or if not, then who is the other man she is seeing?
> 
> Maybe she has "moved on". I know my ex certainly hit the street running when she left me, there were lots of options she saw herself having and she wasn't going to miss out.



First, that's ridiculous. People leave for a variety of reasons beyond abuse and cheating. Second, you don't think she may have grown tired of being treated like sh!t by his family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why Can't I Move on, I Believe She Has*



lifeistooshort said:


> First, that's ridiculous. People leave for a variety of reasons beyond abuse and cheating. Second, you don't think she may have grown tired of being treated like sh!t by his family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well being treated like sh!t would fall into the 1st category.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Lon said:


> People leave relationships for two reasons 1) to escape from abuse 2) to pursue other relationships. You don't seem abusive, but perhaps you and her just weren't a match and being in your presence drained the life from her (not anyone's fault per se)? Or if not, then who is the other man she is seeing?
> 
> Maybe she has "moved on". I know my ex certainly hit the street running when she left me, there were lots of options she saw herself having and she wasn't going to miss out.


Both of these are why my wifey says she left. She fails to see her OM is mentally abusing her. she also fails to see that she was emotionally abusive to me. She is also mean, narssisitic and abusive as well. But she completely blames me for everything including her affair.

You sound just like me. I still am in love with her and want her back. But then she does something else and I flip to hating her.

If I was you I would move on...before you end up like me.. I feel like sometimes I am more in love with the idea of a marriage then this wackjob of a wife.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds rather horrid, sorry to be blunt. It really sounds like the match between you is not good and you both crossed each others boundaries. Once a relationship gets abusive to the level you describe, I would be done. I would really not put any more energy into caring about her. You love the ideal, not what is. There is a big difference.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why Can't I Move on, I Believe She Has*



SteveK said:


> Both of these are why my wifey says she left. She fails to see her OM is mentally abusing her. she also fails to see that she was emotionally abusive to me. She is also mean, narssisitic and abusive as well. But she completely blames me for everything including her affair.
> 
> You sound just like me. I still am in love with her and want her back. But then she does something else and I flip to hating her.
> 
> If I was you I would move on...before you end up like me.. I feel like sometimes I am more in love with the idea of a marriage then this wackjob of a wife.


Believe me I have moved on, I was where you where you are now only 2 years ago. She really doesn't even consume my thoughts except when it comes to matters of parenting. There is no hate, only indifference, I have no clue or inking to find out what her new marriage is like ( though I am pretty certain from the timeline of events she really didn't have much time to actually sort out her own issues).

Sorry for hijacking this thread just trying to relate my own experiences to the OP. For me, there is still pain and guilt but my heart is healing and I have even begun to love again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lon said:


> Well being treated like sh!t would fall into the 1st category.


Fair enough, but you had a disclaimer that he didn't seem abusive, then implied that since he wasn't she must have another man. Maybe he wasn't, but he stood by while his family was, then couldn't understand why she didn't want them around. Are you obligated to have people that treat you like crap in your home? True she hasn't dealt with it well and may have a horrid temper that he's well rid of, but he's far from the only victim here.

So in the future, is he going to stand by while mommy treats another woman poorly if said woman simply doesn't help with chores to her satisfaction? Seems like a pretty petty reason to write someone off. Mommy may not have been openly rude but you know she made her disdain clear. His family's poor behavior makes me wonder if they didn't start a lot of bad feelings which she then dealt with poorly. 
I stand by my assertion that people leave relationships for a variety of reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why Can't I Move on, I Believe She Has*



lifeistooshort said:


> Fair enough, but you had a disclaimer that he didn't seem abusive, then implied that since he wasn't she must have another man. Maybe he wasn't, but he stood by while his family was, then couldn't understand why she didn't want them around. Are you obligated to have people that treat you like crap in your home? True she hasn't dealt with it well and may have a horrid temper that he's well rid of, but he's far from the only victim here.
> 
> So in the future, is he going to stand by while mommy treats another woman poorly if said woman simply doesn't help with chores to her satisfaction? Seems like a pretty petty reason to write someone off. Mommy may not have been openly rude but you know she made her disdain clear. His family's poor behavior makes me wonder if they didn't start a lot of bad feelings which she then dealt with poorly.
> I stand by my assertion that people leave relationships for a variety of reasons.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My intent wasn't to imply HE was abusive, just that perhaps the relationship caused his W to be in a situation that was abusive and life draining to her. Specifically with regards to the in-laws.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lon said:


> My intent wasn't to imply HE was abusive, just that perhaps the relationship caused his W to be in a situation that was abusive and life draining to her. Specifically with regards to the in-laws.



Ok, thanks for clarifying that. Rude in laws and rude grown children are going to cause him problems with.anyone he brings around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

RGG1957 said:


> .... Her uncle tells me she is who she is and will never change. I believe people can change if they want to. ...


You both screwed up, pretty much the duration of the marriage...both sides of the family are not supportive, and haven't been. You both failed. You think after all this time everyone in the picture is gonna "change"? ...because that's likely what it would take at this point. So much dysfunction.

I would listen to the uncle.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why Can't I Move on, I Believe She Has*



lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, thanks for clarifying that. Rude in laws and rude grown children are going to cause him problems with.anyone he brings around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is a tough situation, kind of how it is with my mother and my current GF. My gf is convinced my mom doesn't approve of her, because of some of the things she said, makes her seem cold. And I have just recently realized there may be truth to it, or else my mom is just a little awkward and standoffish trying to be respectful of my own healing and not fully accept my selection of a mate in order to protect her own feelings that were probably hurt badly when she lost a daughter in law.

This is almost a deal breaker for my gf, even though I am completely aware of the mistrust and acknowledge my gf's caution. But how my mother thinks and behaves is out of my control, and if my gf should decide to break it off with me because of it, despite my openness and the distance I have already created with my mother, well that would be her choice. It would be too bad for her that she couldn't differentiate between stuff I own and stuff I don't.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks everyone for their input. I do believe now I own more fault here than I originally thought. I did let my mother and daughter get away with being rude and disrespectful to her. That's a mistake I intend to not repeat. And perhaps I did not understand the depth of my wife's resentment over this. However I do not believe she handled this well either. First none of my grandkids or my son have ever done anything to her and did not deserve her scorn. Also whenever she would get mad at me the way she handled the argument was terrible. A man should not have his clothes ripped out of the closet and kicked down the hall and out the front door as she has done mine so many times. A man should not be repeatidly told what a p---y he his and how how his total life, including a stellar 20 year military career, which she was not a part of, is a piece of sh-t. 

No her temper is still an issue between us, and yet I still love and miss her terrribly. Go figure. But after 2 months seperation and no contact between us I believe this course towards divorce is set and can't be altered. I wish there was something I could do, but if I tried to go back now it would be totally on her terms and I feel I would continue to be beaten down and as bad as I feel now, I think that would be worse.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I'm really having a problem getting to 1st base in this healing process. I can't truly accept that this marriage is over. That the divorce will go through and I'll never see this person again. I keep thinking she will contact me and say, let's work this out, let's both make compromises so we can come back together. But I know inside that call will never come. Today is the 2nd month since I moved out and we have not spoken, text, email, nothing. She has definitely moved on. Why can't I????


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

I don't know, guess cause you like having your clothes thrown out in the yard, being called a p--sy, told your life is crap ? C'mon man you were in the service(And thank you for that) you know what respect is right ? She has none, she had none when she met your mother the first time.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Baablacksheep said:


> I don't know, guess cause you like having your clothes thrown out in the yard, being called a p--sy, told your life is crap ? C'mon man you were in the service(And thank you for that) you know what respect is right ? She has none, she had none when she met your mother the first time.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

So true. While I was a Senior Master Sergeant in the Air Force, when I was incharge there was never any doubt in anyones mind. In my current job I supervise a staff of 65 and once again everyone understands I'm incharge. I'm not overbearing or brash I just carry myself well. Except in my own home with my STBXW. Go figure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, it appears the best thing for you is for her to remain no contact.


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## turningthepage (Apr 11, 2014)

I agree with Baablacksheep, she has no respect for you and showed none for you or your Mom when meeting your Mom the first time. 
What kind of a women keeps her nose in a magazine when first meeting their future mother in-law? Was that her way of coping because she doesn't know how to act or is that just who she is? Comes across as rude and disrespectful. That was a huge red flag right away!
You can find someone much better for you.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Well the lawyers are involved now so I expect everything to get mucked up. I am feeling better though. I've been reading a lot, and practicing positive "self-talk". Basically we react to or feel the way we say we are. Sooooo I keep telling myself "I'm not going to hurt over this anymore". "I will have a better life". And it seems to be working. I have low moments, but they are fewer and fewer.

I know now I did not deserve the things she would do to me. I did not deserve to have my family banned from our home. I did not deserve to have my clothes constantly thown into the yard. I did not deserve to be cussed, shoved and constantly belittled. 

Time to square my shoulders, hold my head up and move forward and that's what I'm going to do.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

It appeared to me earlier that you were captivated by the power of the p^%&y \"/ Been there done that myself so don't beat yourself up too bad. Here's a statement I've learned from TAM : I am responsible for how people treat me. If you let your next gal/ this gal get away with that with no consequences, well she'll probably do it again.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

I agree BBS. I wonder though what got me to that point where I did tolerate such behavior for so long. Perhaps I just got comfortable or as I've gotten older I just don't have the drive to stand up for myself in a confrontation with her. Don't know for sure, but I will not let her, or any other woman, no any other human being treat me like that again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can find a better wife or girlfriend.

Did you ever get to say goodbye properly to the younger daughter?


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Dear RGG. I have read your post but not all of the replies. If you are having difficulty moving on (which, by the sound of it, you should definitely do), it may be because you are still attached and are/were codependent. Look up the issue of codependency. 

Anyway, let go and move on. It is a process that can take time, but is necessary for you to regain your life. Bless the gods you have no common children.

Learn from past mistakes, do not hate, harbor no grudge, but MOVE ON.

Peace


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She is a disrespectful person. What she said to you about you and your granddaughter would be a deal breaker for most people. And to insult your career? Kick your clothes around. I've only heard of such behavior if someone was caught having an affair or something really terrible. That is so over the top and volatile. 

Step parenting is never easy, but I suppose the rule should be that the kids/family have to treat the new partner with respect or they just can't get together. 

There are many good books on healing after divorce. It's a two to three year process. You have to grieve and mourn the loss, like a death. And loneliness can make a person want to return to a dysfunctional situation. If everyone else you know likes you and respects you then the problem lies with her.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It's a two to three year process. You have to grieve and mourn the loss, like a death.


Yes, it is, indeed. Give yourself time. Read. Get support. Do sports. Do the 180.


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## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your issue, I'm currently going through a separation as well...not a divorce just a break up. I know that's nothing quite like your situation but a broken heart is a broken heart. I believe my ex ran off with her ex...but he cheated on her and treated her badly and she decided to go back to him. Also she talked to me badly and didn't value me as a person or see my full potential as a boyfriend. 

With that being said, don't delude into acting like she may be the only one, she seems like she didn't really respect you. You two may have had chemistry at one point, but she's not the last cup of water in the desert, you don't need her...you need sustenance, water, your kids...it seems like she broke you down..so you need unconditional faith in yourself....Sparta kick her off that pedestal and throw your self up there. I still remember when my ex told me she didn't want me anymore...I felt like the whole demographic of women walked away with her.."there's no one like her" "I'll never find someone like her" that's crap...there are more BETTER than her. Don't over analyze the crap she says...that's public enemy #1. If she moved on acceptance is the key, she's gone..and that was the hardest part for me...I know marriage with kids is a complete 180 from a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship but you got to ask yourself..do you really want someone in your life that doesn't value you or your kids? Someone who lashes out. .and someone who doubts your potential as a man and a husband? I'm no counselor..I'm no guru at relationships..I'm just another guy who's hurting next to you and we can help each other out. We feel bloodied, tired from fighting to keep something going that wasn't meant to be..holding on to false hope..but what we do now..the decisions we make is what defines us as men.
As Antoine de saint-exupery said
"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It's always the same step, it you have to take it."


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks everyone. This healing process is a long, hard trip and fearing it kept me in this relationship much longer than I should have stayed in it. I agree I should have been firmer with my daughter early on, but again that was years ago and my STBXW should have gotten over it. Looking back when she would tell me of the fights she would have witht he guys in her first two relationships, a long term boyfriend and her first husband, she always made it seem they were at fault. I know now she was the common denominator and her temper and violent actions has now cost her 3 relationships and will probably cost her many more in the future. It's just that I see what the potential could have been for us to have a good life together if only she could control her anger and rage.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Update: Since beginning this journey of seperation and divorce I have lost 18 pounds. Not a lot, but significant since since this has only been going on for a little over 2 months. I have been feeling lousy, nervous, stressed, etc. All the symptoms of a broken heart. At 57 I felt I was too old to go through this much heartache with out some health issues.

Now I have always tried to stay in shape. Hit the gym regularly and run 3-4 times a week. I joined a regular running group about 18 months ago and around a year ago a striking woman, we'll call Anna, joined the group. She's about 30 years old, professional and very independent. We have talked often as I'm fairly social and she is friendly. I've been reserved since my seperation and she noticied I wasn't my old self and asked what was wrong. Well before I knew it I unloaded everything about what was going on with me and why. Then I thought, god I wish I hadn't done that. But she took it all in stride. The next week she told me she had another group she runs trails with and asked if I'd like to join them. Wanting to meet new people I said sure. It was a great day. I met her at her house and we drove to the park together. I met her friends and they were all very friendly and she told me later they like me a lot and hope I continue to come around.

After our run Anna invited me back to her house where she fixed a great lunch which she served on her patio. Afterwards we talked for almost two hours before I left. I was on a cloud. Not because I had any false romantic ideas or inclinations, but because for the first time in a long time, I'd had a great day where my ex was not constantly on my mind. I felt, and still feel, super.

Before I left I told her you're very attactive, very intelligent, a great hostess, have a beautiful home. Why aren't the guys lined up at your door? She said "Sometimes they are, but they're always the wrong guys". Nuff said. Intelligent too.

Since then she has invited me to join her and her friends on a camping trip which I'm eager to do. I am so amazed that after feeling so low a smile and some conversation from a beautiful woman could make me feel so high.

And the ex, I saw a recent picture of her on facebook. The 18 lbs I lost she's found. She was always an emotional eater, so someone is hurting more than they're letting on.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Six weeks is nothing but a blink in the scale of the devastation you have gone through.
You do not want to move on this easily and fast. Give yourself time to mourn the death of your marriage. Time to grieve, time to heal, time to grow, and time to find yourself.


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

You're righ ne. I'm sure down days are still ahead of me. I'm just thankful for the good feelings I'm enjoying right now. I intend to keep working on me.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

I lost 22 pounds in a month when the shock of my WAW hit me...

But that aside, your post made me smile 

I never exercised in my life but 18 months ago took up running and this weekend I am going to run my first marathon! Excited! 

And as for your descriptions of "Anna", I sometimes dream about meeting someone just like that, a runner of Triathlete with all the attributes you mentioned 

Keep it up and enjoy life! 





RGG1957 said:


> Update: Since beginning this journey of seperation and divorce I have lost 18 pounds. Not a lot, but significant since since this has only been going on for a little over 2 months. I have been feeling lousy, nervous, stressed, etc. All the symptoms of a broken heart. At 57 I felt I was too old to go through this much heartache with out some health issues.
> 
> Now I have always tried to stay in shape. Hit the gym regularly and run 3-4 times a week. I joined a regular running group about 18 months ago and around a year ago a striking woman, we'll call Anna, joined the group. She's about 30 years old, professional and very independent. We have talked often as I'm fairly social and she is friendly. I've been reserved since my seperation and she noticied I wasn't my old self and asked what was wrong. Well before I knew it I unloaded everything about what was going on with me and why. Then I thought, god I wish I hadn't done that. But she took it all in stride. The next week she told me she had another group she runs trails with and asked if I'd like to join them. Wanting to meet new people I said sure. It was a great day. I met her at her house and we drove to the park together. I met her friends and they were all very friendly and she told me later they like me a lot and hope I continue to come around.
> 
> ...


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## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

Good job! I do agree with the other posts, Anna deserves a completely clean slate! If you unloaded all that on her when you two first met, then there is still some lingering emotions with your ex..even if it is hatred it'll only start things badly with Anna and she isn't your therapist. Just be friends for now, focus on yourself, and keep up the physical activity! And for god sakes man!! Delete your ex off Facebook! Hell even block her, she doesn't deserve to know what's going on in your life or if you're happy!


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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Well the weeks continue to go by. Anna and I are friends, but that has cooled a bit, which is good. I don't want to get caught up in any other person right now. Need to continue to work on me. I have blocked my ex on facebook, but mutual friends put up pictures of her occassionally. I guess I should block them as well, but don't want to hurt any feelings. Working on having a positive self-image and and attitude. I'd lie if I said I wish things had not been different. But if my ex called right now and said we could get back together but under the same circumstances I couldn't do it. I deserved better than what I was getting.


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## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

why not just take a hiatus from Facebook, blocking everyone will just create more stress in your life. Trust me, I deactivated my account when I got out of my relationship and it was a great feeling. After that I deleted my ex off my friends list and blocked her (she doesn't have the right to know if I'm happy). Take a break from it, and just keep focusing on yourself. I still sometimes get the feeling to unblock her..but if I do then it would just bring me back to square one. Take a break from Facebook, and if anyone asks just say you're doing it for yourself..you don't owe anyone else any justification.
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## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

and remember, the past is the past..and the past is dead..leave it in the grave instead of trying to relive it. What if you would have done X or what if I didn't do Y..all that doesn't matter anymore, its tough but just tell yourself you're better off not sharing your life with a verbally abusive person. I know I am, its nice not to be verbally abused by someone you gave your heart to.
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## RGG1957 (Mar 26, 2014)

Well things have taken a strange twist. My STBXW is taking me to court tomorrow for spousal support. She wants $700.00 a month from me, even though we have no joint bills, except the house and no children between us. We were only married for 6 years, she makes $54K per year and she has no car payments. I checked my state's support laws and she doesn't qualify. Still her taking me to court makes me think she, and her lawyer, have an angle their going to try. Just has me a little worried.

I know what this is about, she doesn't want her lifestyle to change. Last year she took three vacations without me. She went to L.A., NYC, and Orlando. Supposedly for Zumba certifications. She purchased season tickets to the local pro basketball team home games. And she is a middle aged groupie for this singer Pittbull. In the last year and half she's attended 7 of his shows and paid $400.00 so she and her daughter could go backstage and meet him. She replaced her and mine picture on her facebook page with a picture of her and him. Creepy I think, almost like she's stalking him. I don't believe I should be forced to fund this lifestyle she wants to keep. I'm also concerned about seeing her tomorrow. We have had no contact in almost 3 months and I want to keep it like that. I'm just not sure how I'll react in her presence. I don't want her to see I'm still hurting and miss her. Go figure.

On another note I have been keeping busy. I met some new friends and joined them on an overnight campout and trail run. Did 15 miles of trails in 2hrs 36 min. Not too bad for a 57 year old guy. My weight is still slipping. I'm 5' 10" and down to about 162 pounds now. Not bad but I don't want to get any thinner. Been hitting the weight room to stay toned. 

Someone asked me how I'm losing all the weight? Really just 20 lbs or so. But I told them it's divorce weight loss and it's the best weight loss because you don't have to do anything special. 

You can drink all the beer you want, smoke all the cigarettes you want (cigars for me), you can't eat, you cant sleep, you walk the halls, you talk to the walls and the weight melts off of you like butter in a hot skillet. Then one day you snap out of it and say WTF!!! was that all about. You go back to your old self and the weight comes right back. So enjoy divorce weight loss while you can.

Of course this is all tounge n cheek. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.


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## johnO77 (Apr 15, 2014)

you've got to stop looking at her Facebook! Its only going to set you back in your healing process. Just remember, you don't miss her, you miss the idea of her..an empty wax casting of her. You miss the company, you miss having someone there...but you get that from your adventures when your on your outing with friends right? Just focus on yourself and try not to think about her. Make a list of all the bad traits she had, of all the times she treated you badly and when you get the urge to look at her Facebook or think of her pull the list out and read it, I mean read the **** out of it..ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who mistreated you..its called self talk and it works.
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