# Questioning a comment my husband made, how would you take it?



## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi All,

Ok I'm going to try to make this as clear as I can. Yesterday my husband says to me what are you going to do today? I said I have to go to the store. He says you went Tuesday, I said I know but I forgot some stuff. He says what stuff? I said I can't tell you, 
He says oh that again.

So last night he comes home and I said to him I have something for you and I showed him the pie I made for him. So he went and got cleaned up. I cut us some pie. When he came to sit down I explained to him that's why I couldn't tell him what I needed at the store because it was stuff for his pie and that it was a surprise.

So he says, so you lied to me. I said no it was a surprise and it wasn't anything bad.

All the sudden he starts in with, Oh I just shouldn't say it, I just shouldn't say it and I'm thinking he is going to say something about me making the pie and it's going to make him fat. No he says.

Ok using your logic, say I cheated on you and so I wouldn't hurt your feelings, I just shouldn't say anything and I don't have to tell you the truth and it's ok to lie.

And I was just floored that he came up with that of all things knowing how I feel considering my past relationships both ended in them cheating on me and he gets so mad anytime it's brought up about him cheating on me, he will say what am I going to have to be on my death bed before you believe I'm not going to do that to you. I couldn't even say anything.

So why he would say that and all pertaining to me making a pie. I just don't get it.

This man also has terrible foot in mouth disease. I don't know how would you all take this and what are your thoughts???


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like he's projecting his thoughts of cheating.

Find out if he did. Find out if he still is.

Show him your phone/accounts, etc... and ask to see all his. Make him open his phone and give you his password.
If he gets all defensive, ask him, what does he have to hide??

He want's to know why you are asking, say it's because of the groundless suggestion/questions he had raised about cheating. That he raised a huge red flag infront of your eyes.

If he want's to dispell the thought that he might be cheating, then he needs to show you all these things to calm your fears, and help you realize you jumped to wrong conclusion.


And hope that's all it is.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly, I'm not totally following due to your lack of proper punctuation.

Is he accusing you of cheating? Saying you lied about going to the store for pie ingredients when you were really doing something else?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's accusing her of lying. Period. Who knows where the cheating scenario came from other than possibly because she's been on him about cheating on her due to her history. 

OP, you need to be careful with questioning his faithfulness when he hasn't given you reason to. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

When you said "I can't tell you" you could have added that "it would ruin the surprise". He would have had no reason to accuse you of lying.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

I have access to all his passwords. He doesn't have a password on his cell phone. He leaves his cellphone home with me alot. I have access to cell phone records, so he isn't hiding anything that I would know of. And he I assume was comparing him not having to tell me if he was cheating on me like I didn't tell him what I needed at the store or that I actual knew what I needed at the store.

I guess to him a lie is a lie. Which I can't stand lying either but I was looking at it like a surprise. And he's always acting like I'm trying to be shady when I would never cheat knowing how bad that hurts to have that done. I just wanted to surprise him and then he compares my surprise and not telling him to him cheating on me and not having to tell me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like he's on his period.





(Ducking...)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you should do him a favour and do not ever lie to him, even to keep a surprise a secret. Just tell him. 

Not that I would class what you said as a lie. You didn't say, "I'm getting xyz" and then you got something else. You said, "I can't tell you", which was obviously hiding what you were getting, and anyone with half a brain would figure out it was for a surprise or maybe personal hygiene stuff, but either way, it wasn't a lie. (I'm just ignoring the fact that it should've technically been "I won't tell you", not "can't", as you were perfectly capable of telling him, but I digress).

The obvious thing here is that he classes lying (even when it's just a withholding of information and not technically a lie) as on par with how you class cheating. That's his point. Meaning, it's really bad. Don't ever do it.

That's what your incredibly clueless partner was trying to say. Don't lie to me, no matter what, I really hate it. A surprise is not a good enough reason to lie to this person.

Edited to add: That wasn't my first thought on this btw. The first thing I thought was: "Why was he interrogating his wife over what she was buying from the shop???" Second thought was: His logic is friggin terrible. I take it he doesn't have a technical type of job.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm not sure his pie/cheating analogy really works, but he is certainly creative in his attempt at an explanation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It could be that he either over heard, or read something about some cheating and it had been top of mind for the past few days....that missing time element of potential cheating and he was doing his own version of math where 1+1 =3. The question you need to discover is where is this coming from.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

There is something totally wrong here. Or maybe I have got it wrong.
Why should he have to be on his death bed before you believe him.
It seems you must be accusing him of cheating. No man likes that if its not true. 
So he does the same with you whenever he can.

You may have bad experience in the past (as you say) but not every man cheats. Unless you have some serious proof which you dont seem to, why accuse him of it. 

You have to sort this out. Or your marriage will only get worse.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I cheated on my SO yesterday. 

I ate two of her Jaffa Cakes while she was away on business.

My dog, Andora, made me do it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stop making him pied, dammit! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It all begs the question...if my SO brings home a pie for dessert tonight, should I assume he's cheating?!

:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am not following how any cheating conversation even got mixed up in this really.. I think at the point he said "*OH that again*"...he showed dismay.. almost sounds he feels this is a common thing ?? ....

He may have a personality which greatly appreciates more concrete answers.. no withholding.. some of us are like this. so when planning a surprise...you needed to counteract his dismay but assuring him it's worth his while... can he wait & see.. just for a day..could even seal it with a kiss.. it might have soothed his attitude at that point.. what do you think ?


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

ak41,

lets see how it looks

<<Hi All,

Ok I'm going to try to make this as clear as I can. Yesterday my husband says to me what are you going to do today? I said I have to go to the store. He says you went Tuesday, I said I know but I forgot some stuff. He says what stuff? I said I can't tell you, 
He says oh that again.>>

this seems ,at least odd.He asks you a straight up question and you refuse to answer.(RED FLAG)
Then he says << oh that again>> which means you have done this again!!!(PATERN OF RED FLAGS)
He may think that you are up to know good(cheating)

<<So last night he comes home and I said to him I have something for you and I showed him the pie I made for him. So he went and got cleaned up. I cut us some pie. When he came to sit down I explained to him that's why I couldn't tell him what I needed at the store because it was stuff for his pie and that it was a surprise.>>

He must be thinking she is lying ,what a crap of bs,she is in cover mode.

<<So he says, so you lied to me. I said no it was a surprise and it wasn't anything bad.>>

he gets mad .is debating to say or not what he thinks.

<<All the sudden he starts in with, Oh I just shouldn't say it, I just shouldn't say it and I'm thinking he is going to say something about me making the pie and it's going to make him fat. No he says.

Ok using your logic, say I cheated on you and so I wouldn't hurt your feelings, I just shouldn't say anything and I don't have to tell you the truth and it's ok to lie.>>

What he realy is saying is:
using your logic, say YOU cheated on me and so YOU wouldn't hurt my feelings, YOU just shouldn't say anything and YOU don't have to tell me the truth and it's ok to lie.

He belives you are liying to him because you are cheating.

<<And I was just floored that he came up with that of all things knowing how I feel considering my past relationships both ended in them cheating on me and he gets so mad anytime it's brought up about him cheating on me, he will say what am I going to have to be on my death bed before you believe I'm not going to do that to you. I couldn't even say anything.>>

You have been accussing him of cheating on you (something cheaters always do, by the way.) ,so now that you show red flags 
he must be thinking that you actually are cheating.

<<So why he would say that and all pertaining to me making a pie. I just don't get it. >>

As said above he thinks it's a cover up story .


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Your husband is either paranoid over something or he has some twisted/immature logic. Coz what's so big deal about "I can't tell you" when being asked why are you going to the store again? It's just a store, supermarket or whatever trip.
And that is not lying, that is ommitting.

When you brought him the pie he learned why you went to the store. He could be really curious and ask you a few more times and you not telling make him continue feeling paranoid but this is not the case.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Is there some past history / story here? Without that his behavior seems completely irrational. Does he have a history of irrational behavior?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This conflict has nothing to do with the pie. My guess is there have been other things and he believes (maybe rightly, maybe wrongly) that your pie "explanation" is an attempt to cover something else up.


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## Pablodiablo (Jun 12, 2015)

Maybe you should talk to him about it instead of seeking conjecture from a bunch of betrayed spouses. Obviously he has something eating at him. Help him out and help yourself in the process.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MyTurn said:


> ak41,
> 
> lets see how it looks
> 
> ...


*^ ^ ^

The. Perfect. Thread. Summation.
*
Glad you figured it out @MyTurn... Because the whole "pie analogy" was really throwing me for a loop!

OP... What are you not telling us! Why does your husband suspect you of cheating? Have you cheated on him in the past, despite your protests??

You can tell us the truth. It's all anonymous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

Just from your post here and not having any background on your relationship I would assume you hate cheating with your entire being and he has picked up on that; he apparently hates lying with the same intensity and is pointing that out in this analogy. It's a strange analogy but it made you stop and think, didn't it? I would assume that is what he was going for, for you to think about white lies from his viewpoint.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> It all begs the question...if my SO brings home a pie for dessert tonight, should I assume he's cheating?!


Yes. He's trying to get you fat, so he can dump you for a younger, hotter, thinner woman.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sure said:


> Just from your post here and not having any background on your relationship I would assume you hate cheating with your entire being and he has picked up on that; he apparently hates lying with the same intensity and is pointing that out in this analogy.


Okaaaay...

Totally different interpretation from mine. My inference is that she has given him reasons (multiple times) to think she is cheating on him. So he called her out on the bogus pie excuse.

Until OP comes back and clarifies, we are all in the dark. In the meantime, my appetite for pie has gone WAY down...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Ak41,

Trigers, Trigers eveywere. Tour impulse to understand why is good. Without turnimg yourself into a pretzel, just avoid doing things that trigger him,


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Ok no matter what it is I think this is from his upbringing he is always very defensive and feels he's left in the dark and on a need to know basis so I would say he jumps me about any little thing. I don't accuse him of cheating I was just giving an example of something he said pertaining to how he was different from the other men in my past and that I need to believe that he isn't the cheating type.

He doesn't accuse me of cheating never has. I feel he trusts me on that front like I said he just gets real defensive when he doesn't know something and I guess I looked at the whole extra store trip related to his surprise not a lie but I do hear you all that I could have worded it differently.

And yes I agree he must disdain lying as much as I disdain cheating. I will chose my words more wisely next time I guess.

Thanks for all the great advice


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Okaaaay...
> 
> Totally different interpretation from mine. My inference is that she has given him reasons (multiple times) to think she is cheating on him. So he called her out on the bogus pie excuse.
> 
> ...


LOL! Sometimes things are as simple as they sound.........others not so much. It never even occurred to me that either one were cheating from the op. I also am less hungry for any pie right now.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

ak41 said:


> I don't accuse him of cheating I was just giving an example of something he said pertaining to how he was different from the other men in my past and that I need to believe that he isn't the cheating type.
> 
> Thanks for all the great advice


That is really the problem. You dont believe that men can sometimes be 'not' cheaters.
As long as you cant trust him he wont trust you either. 
And that includes little things as well.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ak41 said:


> I said I have to go to the store. He says you went Tuesday, I said I know but I forgot some stuff. He says what stuff? I said I can't tell you





ak41 said:


> I explained to him that's why I couldn't tell him what I needed at the store because it was stuff for his pie and that it was a surprise.
> 
> So he says, so you lied to me.


 WTF? Where was the supposed lie? You did not lie. You told him that you "can't tell" him why you were going to the store, which was 100% true. Either he is an idiot, or he was looking to pick a fight with you. Cheaters often look to pick fights to help falsely rationalize their cheating as their spouse fault.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Next time, I'd secretly make him a pie and launch it at his face.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, damn, I could sure go for some blueberry pie right now.

Op, he has been well instructed in your deal-breaker. Take his to heart. Choosing your words more wisely is a great first step.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

If my wife baked me a pie, I would give her some sausage and not call 
her a liar.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

He sounds like he is a bit unhinged.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like he's on his period.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL! Gus, you are a hoot.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> If my wife baked me a pie, I would give her some sausage and not called
> her a liar.




How about when she is asleep, you place a sticky note on her forehead telling her you enjoy eating her pie. Draw a smiley face as well to show you really mean it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where my hb even asks why I'm going the store.

If I say I'm going he assumes I have a good reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> LOL! Gus, you are a hoot.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

I would like to know more about this pie...

Sometimes a pie can be so good, it makes a guy say stupid sh*t!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm trying to imagine a scenario where my hb even asks why I'm going the store.
> 
> If I say I'm going he assumes I have a good reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that's where the post got weird for me, lol.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can't imagine my husband questioning why I'm going to the shops either...when I tell him I'm going I usually get "Oh, can you grab some <whatever> while you're there?" lol.

The OP's husband has issues. Clearly.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

ak41 said:


> I guess to him a lie is a lie. Which I can't stand lying either but I was looking at it like a surprise. And he's always acting like I'm trying to be shady when I would never cheat knowing how bad that hurts to have that done. I just wanted to surprise him and then he compares my surprise and not telling him to him cheating on me and not having to tell me.


I can sympathise with that. I *hate* surprises!

Also, my husband hates lying.

I have a very close opposite sex friend. I met up with him one day, and I told my husband "I'm meeting X to do some work stuff with him. We'll be done by early afternoon, but since we'll both be going to ABC gym to train this evening I won't be coming home after, we'll just hang out in town."

He was fine with that.

So, we got the work stuff out of the way, had lunch, then went to hang out in a coffee shop for a while. We got really engrossed in something we were working on and lost track of time. It would have been too late to go to ABC gym, so my friend said "There's a session at XYZ gym, why don't we go to that? It's a long way but I'll give you a lift back to town so you aren't too late home." We went, training was great. 

I got home (no later than I would have from training at ABC).

My husband asked me "How was training?"
I responded: "Awesome"
Him: "Did you speak to Sue about that stuff you were telling me about?"
Me: (I'd seen Sue that morning in a non-gym context, but only briefly) "No, she was really busy, so I didn't get a chance to talk to her properly."
Him: (Visibly angry) "Is there something you want to tell me?"

I had absolutely no idea what he was getting at. 

It turns out someone had taken a photo at XYZ gym, put it on Facebook and tagged me. He'd seen it.

To me, the fact that I'd trained at XYZ instead of ABC was a minor, inconsequential detail. To him, I'd lied and that was a massive, massive betrayal.

It took me a while to understand that, but I kind-of get it now. Transparency is important to him. Lying by omission is still lying, and to him lying is close to cheating.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Odds are your pies are awesome and your husband spends every waking minute trying to figure out how to get you to bake him one or to get your recipe. This time you baked one for him in a clandestine manner and likely served it to him while his blood sugar was low. 

Did he calm down after getting the pie, or were you too worked up to notice?

Also it would be very helpful if you shared your recipe for the pie on this forum so that users could make one of these pies for themselves for "research" purposes. I mean why do you have to be SO SECRETIVE about the ingredients. 

Do you put this in it? Biscoff Spread - Alternative to Nut Butters and Chocolate Spreads | Biscoff I REALLY NEED TO KNOW!!!

Thanks, 
Some anonymous person that is definitely NOT your husband, so do NOT be suspicious of me asking for the recipe (well maybe I am your husband),
Badsanta


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

I agree. Bake him another pie and let us know what he said.


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