# What do you do the days you don't think your going to make it?



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Today I woke up really trying to be positive I started cleaning, playing with the kids, applied to some jobs, ect....just tried to keep busy. 

I feel like I am dying inside and am having a really hard time functioning. I have stopped myself about 20x's from finding a reason to have him come over or text him. 

What do you do when you honestly feel like you are emotionally and mentally breaking down:scratchhead: I need feedback/ideas.

I have tired praying but all I do is pray for us and to make me strong


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Get out of the house. Be with friends as times goes by it will get easier. Write everything you want to tell him, save it. Read self improvement books, regular novels won't work because we are not in the state to savor life yet or pay attention to somebody else's life. But the self-help ones actually can be applied to our lives 

Just be patient, this is not a race but a marathon. Remember let go, if they come back they are ours, if they don't they never were.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Thanks I tried regular novels and just couldn't even get past 2-3 pages maybe I will find a good self help book and hopefully it will help. I need to realize this isn't a sprint it is a marathon but I am having a hard time being logically right now.....feeling can really mess with a person mind  

I know this isn't easy for him either but I know he is dealing with it better then I am right now. His biggest concern is the $$$ issue I get the feeling. He feels like he is free now and I am sitting her feeling like I can hardly go on.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I would suggest getting out of the house, talking w/friends....


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

This will sound silly, but I have my journal and self-help book in the same spot in a little place in the living room. I will turn the lights on so it is bright and cheery. I'll snuggle up in a fleece blanket, and write in the journal. Or I'll read from the self-help book or do the exercises in that same book. I also have someone I can call and that helps. Reading here helps, too. Oh, and I have a couple of movies that I can watch that make me feel as though there is hope. One of them is The Painted Veil.

Good luck with this. I totally get those panicky moments and the really sad ones, too. For me, stuff just happens any time... the worst times are when I'm in public and I just start crying for no apparent reason. But I figure I've seen my share of crazy people out there talking to themselves, so I figure people can just deal with the fact that I'm crying. I haven't started talking to myself in public yet, but I do talk to my cats. I talk to them about their "dad" and I talk to myself at home, too. And sometimes I talk to my husband even though he's not there.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Exercise.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I have tired praying but all I do is pray for us and to make me strong 

Fascinating Freudian typo. Please don't tire of praying. Place your trust in God, He alone will redeem and sustain you. That being said, I have found a certain satisfaction over the years in vigorous study of martial arts. It's not that hurting people makes me feel better; it doesn't. It's just extraordinarily cathartic. I can't describe it any other way.

LIL


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

By typing here, you are taking one action to help yourself; good. Keep doing it. Connecting with others, exercise, reading, etc., are all great ways to divert your mind as the time passes. And that's what you need to do; let time pass so that you create a new "normal," one without him in it. That is what makes it easier, eventually.

Also, find a book on the connection between thinking and feeling--the Feel Good handbook, or something on cognitive-behavioral therapy. You say something about "feelings" messing with your mind--the truth is, feelings stem from thoughts, and once you practice searching for the thought that is triggering negative feelings, and you recognize the fallacy in your thought, you can replace those thoughts with more logical ones. A common thought we have in break ups is something along the lines of "I can't live without him" or "I'm never going to be loved again." There is nothing inherently true or even logical about those thoughts. If you feel worthless w/o a partner, you will always be vulnerable to another person's manipulations. Figure out the thoughts that are keeping you from thriving, work on changing those thoughts (and that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, sometimes), and you'll be developing a skill that frees you from being controlled by negative emotions for most of the rest of your life. Good luck!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> Thanks I tried regular novels and just couldn't even get past 2-3 pages maybe I will find a good self help book and hopefully it will help. I need to realize this isn't a sprint it is a marathon but I am having a hard time being logically right now.....feeling can really mess with a person mind
> 
> ...and I am sitting her feeling like I can hardly go on.


finallyseewhy~

I have to say, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also a Feeler kind of personality and when my feelings are all jumbled up, I also can not think at all...and yet you're in a position to *HAVE* to function. You have kids and bills and responsibilities that your husband is running away from! 

So I have to a few practical suggestions for you. 

1) Buy some lotioned tissues--lotion Kleenex are great. I suggest this because when you cry a lot, if you do not have lotioned tissues they actually get chafe and your eyes and nose will get chapped...and salty tears in rug-burned eyes burns!

2) Buy a bunch of Campbell's Chunky Soup. When you cry a lot you lose your appetite and it's hard to choke anything down past that lump in your throat anyway. Soup is warm and nutritious and it will give you some energy to do what you have to do. If nothing else, it's easy to make and sort of comforting to have something warm in your stomach. 

3) Buy two books:  Surviving an Affair: Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley… and Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends: Bruce Fisher. The first book will help you to understand what is happening to your husband and give you some concrete steps you can take to survive this. The goal of that book is to save the marriage, but if that is impossible...to save YOU. The second book will help you understand 10 steps you can take to rebuild YOU after your relationship has ended. Now I'm not positive your relationship even *is* ended yet, but at this moment doing some things to rebuild you would not be a bad idea. 

4) Do not take it "one day at a time." One day is WAAAAAY too long! That's 24 unending, monotonous, lonely, boring hours! Nope, take it 15 minutes at a time. For the next 15 minutes do the things you need to do and resist the temptation to contact him. You can make it 15 minutes right? Then in 15 minutes...see if you can go another 15 minutes.

**********

P.S. Oops one more really important thing! 

5) Make a list. When you have a few moments when you're thinking a little clearly--go to your journal and make lists of things you need to do. Make a list of things to do to get a job. Make a list of things to do for the kids/family. Make a list of things to do legally. Make a list of bills you need to pay. Then when your head is a mess and you just can NOT think...don't think. Just work the list. Do #1. Then do #2. No need to "think" and you gradually get things done that you HAVE TO get done.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I am going to have to try all of the ideas and I am going to have to run out and get some soup. I have managed to lose 22lbs in a little over 2 wks  I don't have any appetite and when I do eat I get physically ill.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yeah I had the same thing. Soup and oatmeal literally kept me alive. Like I said, they are warm and easy to swallow so at least it's a little energy. What was killing me was not eating, then I'd try to do something and feel light-headed.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Yep, I have been taking a nap all this last week and going to bed way earlier then I usually do. I was thinking I was just so tried with everything but I don't think I have any energy because I am not eating.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

All this hippy dippy crap isn't going to help you bit, scrap all that...the last thing you need to be doing is sitting at home sipping tea and reading 'self help' books, all that's going to accomplish is making you more morose and miserable. Think for a moment what an oxymoron it is to seek help for oneself from a book written by someone else! The reality is, only YOU can help yourself, if you look for that help elsewhere you're going to be disappointed. 

1)this is going to hurt for awhile, there's not much you can do about it either...emotional pain is very similar to physical pain, it tells us that we've been wounded, just instead of your body, this is pain to your head and heart. Your body takes time to heal, so will your heart and head, nothing you can do will change that, you can only try to minimize it
2)force yourself to go out every single day and do something that's just for you, whatever it is, go for a spa day, go out for drinks with your girlfriends, go to the shooting range and pin his picture to a target, whatever it takes to get a little pleasure in your life
3)don't get sucked into that vortex of moping and oversleeping and feeling miserable, I know how hard it is but the more active you are, the more you surround yourself with activity and people (family, friends, etc) the easier its going to make it.
4)once you get over the initial shock and pain its often a good idea to talk to a friend who's suffered the same fate, or a therapist or someone you can just open up to and get it all out

its going to be a tough journey, just try to help yourself


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

finallyseewhy

I totally understand you, I too have to stop and tell myself to live. I specially find it hard at school where I Just want to break down and cry. I try not to think about it but all I can do is think of him and the things we did and the times where I thought we were happy. People try to cheer me up blessed their hearts but nothing helps. I feel like jumping of the tallest building. Like you I dont eat much, and ppl are telling me I am losing weight also. I can't sleep at night and I keep waking up each hour and my migranes have returned. And this is barely our third week of being separated. What kills me most is that he tells me he is fine, that he is happier without me, that he doesn't think of me at all. Meanwhile, I am dying here slowly. 

What I done to make myself feel better is that I started 2 journals. One I write each night describing my day without him. I write down everything that I feel as if I am talking to him, I dont know if that is healthy. The other one is just random thing that I feel at the moment, again about him. I take everywhere I go, so when I feel like crying or dying, I write it down. I also keep praying to God to give me strength and to help me cope. Nothing is easy, I dont feel like doing anything, going anywhere, or seeing anyone. I can't manage to function on my own, so now I made an appointment to see a therapist. I hope something in me changes. While he is having a better life without me. That kills me.

I hope you can be strong but I know it's hard. The good thing is that you have your kids to keep you alive and going, I have no kids and nothing of him.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

That's the problem of trying to keep in contact with our spouses right after the separation. If they decided they needed a break, of course they are going to feel better, they are relieved resting free. If we hear all this it will hurt us more than help. Let them go for a while. They asked for this separation...we didn't.

This is the reason why it is important to allow them to have their time to think, rest and prioritize. As we should as well. 

As time goes by, their resentment will cease or at least decrease and they will be able to think to themselves without feeling trapped, desperate, hopeless "Is this marriage worth saving? Do I still love her/him to put everything on the line again?" This will not last forever but you have to keep in mind that they may decide they enjoy this newfound freedom. At last, if we truly love them we have to hold it and be patient no matter what the outcome is.

Peace be with us all, I am not in the same stage, I am eating again exercising I'm even going to yoga classes  6 weeks after the separation. Remember, we cannot look weak to them, because that will make them feel guilty and they will resent us for putting that burden on them even if we don't mean to. They already feel guilty about leaving the relationship no doubt about that. 

I wish you strength and patience


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

my husband said he felt trapped in our marriage which is why he wanted a separation. I hope that his resentment towards me decreases in time. When he first told me he wanted a separation his emotions his body language told me that he was very sorry the way things were going with us. He cried me a river and told me that he didn't want to hurt me, but if we stayed together any longer things might get worse between us and he said " and I dont want to seek comfort in someone else, I dont want to do that to you." I know that it wasn't easy doing this.

However when I saw him last week for the first time in 2 weeks se seemed more distant towards me. He has his arms crossed and seemed like he didn't care that I was miserable. I could really see the hate in his eyes. He said I broke him. We both really need to heal, but I hope that he is able to forgive me for everything that I did put him thru. Time will tell.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yeap, 

If you looked miserable, guess who he thought was the one causing it? HIM

And that my friend is not a really good feeling, "YAY! my wife is miserable and I did it!" I don't think that's what he is thinking.

No no, not good the sooner you start working on yourself the sooner you will feel better.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

the thing is he told me he doesn't care how I feel either way. =(


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

May I ask how you know that? I mean, i guess you asked him if he cared how you looked like because from one moment to the other one doesn't make the comment of 

"oh by the way, I don't care if you look ok or you look miserable, just FYI"

I mean the fact that you got that response is because you asked him right? what's the point of asking that question than just putting him on the spot?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I didn't ask him, he told me. He said he didn't care how I felt, if I cried or not he was not going to run by my side. This came up when I asked him how he was these two weeks that we were separated. And he told me that he felt better without me. And I told him that I didnt feel well at all. But pretty much he told me that he just didn't care how I felt when it came to my emotions, he said he heard me cry at times but didnt bother to ask me how I feel. And these were times when I was trying to hide my tears, but he said he heard then and didn't care. The day I left I was sobbing like a baby because I didnt believe this was happening and he just stood there. Motionless. Didn't bother him at all. did try to talk to me, or comfort me in anyway. So that's how I know.


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