# Sounds trivial but...



## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hi
New to this site but need help
My wife and I have been together for 30years and been happy apart from the odd argument 
A couple of years ago her mothers dog died and my wife and our kids asked if we could get one
Now I like dogs but really didn't want one but gave in as you do right?!
Now after a few months I began to realise this was not such a good idea, we got a rescue dog which is very nice but I found that it started to take over our lives more an more.
About a year ago I had enough and a family row happened as I wanted to remove the dog but to keep the peace and all happy I gave in with a few compromises 
Now this only worked for a while leading to more arguments as my wife has become obsessed with the dog 
Two weeks ago I had enough blew my top and insisted it went but from this point our marriage has really suffered
I just can't understand why a dog is more important than our marriage?
She moved the dog out to her mothers but is there every evening and weekends until she says we can find a home for it 
Am I being unreasonable? 
I can't seem to get over the feeling of hurt that my wife thinks more of a dog that me being unhappy 
Has anyone been through something similar?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why does the dog cause so much stress?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't understand how a dog could cause stress in your marriage. It sounds like you are talking about a child not a dog. Have you had children or has it always just been you and your wife. It sounds like you are jealous of the attention she gives the dog. Our family has always had a couple of dogs and they don't cause us stress, my husband is a big dog lover so that may be the difference there. If I was your wife I would be upset with you for going back on your word, she probably is and that's why she is spending so much time at her Mom's. If you want to keep peace in your marriage bring the dog back into your house.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

People get attached to animals as if they were family members. When you get rid of them, those members feel like you might get rid of one of them if you don't like something. They get fearful and feel like they might be abandoned.

It can be quite traumatic, similar to putting a child up for adoption after you've tried him/her for a year or so. 

Also, they look to you for strength and conviction. You show weakness when you don't make up your mind and tell them, even if it is not what they want. 

Well, it's my guess anyway.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I am a huge dog lover and have done rescue most of my life. So, I'm with happilymarried25. I'm not understanding the problem. Some people are not animal lovers and that's ok. It sounds like you said yes but meant no. That's not fair to your wife, your kids or to the dog. If it's behavioral issues with the dog, I'll be glad to help. I just need more information. Also, I prefer my dogs & cats to most people. They love you unconditionally, do not judge you, don't break promises and are always happy to see you. But, that's just me.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You will mostly hear that you're insecure and it's a harmless thing. But I know what you mean. After two men I was in relationship with got dogs,( the same small breed and color lol), they became totally absorbed and obsessed with the dog. 
Gone were the night movies alone, cuddled in bed, absorbed with each other, any trip anywhere without the dog, the dog's needs always came first, the dog got all attention, etc. They both even said the dog comes first- only to retract as a joke when I got angry. 

If you're past the honeymoon stage, it's similar to an EA, just that you can't complain, because oh, well, you're crazy, it's a dog ! But when you're no longer a priority, then you have the right to complain. It sux to play a second fiddle, may it be to an AP, to the mother in law, to a job or hobby, or to a dog. It's just as bad.

Ah, and the bs many people would say about a dog's unconditional love! all love is somehow conditional, including a dog's. Stop feeding it, and see if it still loves you. 
You might need to rekindle romance with your wife, OP. And if the dog distracts her interest, then yes, has to go...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

What you said about not being able to understand why a dog is more important than your marriage can be said by your wife but for mirroring reasons.

I would be devastated to bond and love a dog/cat and then be forced to give it up by my spouse.

You feel unloved if your wife keeps the dog, she feels unloved that you're making her give it away.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I have never starved a dog. But, I have spent hours under decks, houses, drain pipes, going into woods with stretchers to rescue injured dogs and other animals. It takes time to coax a starved and scared dog to trust me. While not initially showing unconditional love as it applies to trust, it comes eventually when they do. The OP thinks his wife loves the dog more than him. I gave him an example of why I love dogs and their importance to me. And also stated "that's just me" because it doesn't apply to everyone.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> You will mostly hear that you're insecure and it's a harmless thing. But I know what you mean. After two men I was in relationship with got dogs,( the same small breed and color lol), they became totally absorbed and obsessed with the dog.
> Gone were the night movies alone, cuddled in bed, absorbed with each other, any trip anywhere without the dog, the dog's needs always came first, the dog got all attention, etc. They both even said the dog comes first- only to retract as a joke when I got angry.
> 
> If you're past the honeymoon stage, it's similar to an EA, just that you can't complain, because oh, well, you're crazy, it's a dog ! But when you're no longer a priority, then you have the right to complain. It sux to play a second fiddle, may it be to an AP, to the mother in law, to a job or hobby, or to a dog. It's just as bad.
> ...


Seriously??? You were jealous of pet dogs??? :scratchhead:

My husband and I have 3 beautiful dogs, all house dogs. We have movie nights alone together all the time - the dogs just find a spot on a chair or the couch and go to sleep. One of them sleeps with us but we still cuddle in bed all the time.

I think the OP is being jerk.


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

Interesting 
It seams that if you like having a dog that's it and to put up with it for you wife
Some people have said about the commitment and how I have gone back on my word?
What about the commitment to me and our marriage? I always thought marriage was a two way thing and you try and do right to each other? When you see that a mistake has been made and it has affected your partner and your marriage should you not look to change it?
We had a dog because my wife asked and although at first I said no she really wanted one so I agreed, why not I like dogs 
If my wife had come on here say "my husband won't let me have a dog!" How many of you would also say how unreasonable I am?
No one is perfect and I made a mistake which I have admitted but does that really make me a "jerk"?
I like dogs and it sickens me to think anyone could hurt one, I just realised unfortunately its different to living with one.
My wife made a commitment to me and our marriage and now has gone back on that for the sake of a dog and that is hard to understand but understand is what I'm trying to do to get our marriage right not ignore it and spend my time out with the dog leaving me and her daughter at home!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How exactly has the dog affected your marriage, that it's this bad?? Can you be more specific?


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

It became obvious I am not so relaxed at having a dog, I don't like them upstairs on bed etc I don't like them on the furniture 
Then when your wife always has a go if you just tell the dog to keep out the kitchen when cooking or sit down and stop pestering etc it starts to affect you more
When u don't like something every little thing they do Upsets you


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Dogs can be a pain in the azz. they are worse than kids in some ways.

Sounds like you did not establish yourself as the Alpha Dog in the family. If you do not clearly do that immediately, the dog tries to be the Alpha dog, and hilarity ensues! Not too late, but you will need the help of a professional trainer at this point. Sign up for obedience lessons, and get the dog to be your slave. If THAT deos not work, get rid of it. If the other family members do not mind being bossed around by a dog, that is their problem.

Rescue dogs often come with problems, either medical or mental. They often were abused, or never socialized properly with people or other dogs. So you just don't go to the pound and pick out a pretty one. You need to do a lot of heavy lifting the first 2 months the dog is in your new home!

And yeah, if you absolutely don't want the dog anymore, its gone, period. you are NOT being unreasonable. Just try to live with the mutt first.


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

Tbh that's most of the problem 
I did make sure I'm the alpha male and the dog understands that
The problem is my wife doesn't! If I tell the dog to do something it does in general whereas when the odd occasion my wife does tell it to do something it ignores her
I take the dog a walk she behaves my wife takes the dog more often and if it sees another dog it goes crazy
She has devoted so much time and love onto the dog it's like they are devoted to each other, from the minute we sit down after work the dog pesters to go out or to be fussed or fed etc 
We go out its not if she talks about the dog its for how long!
Tbh it feels like an obsession to her not just a pet that we all fuss and look after 
Is it jealousy? Yeah a little but when something takes over your life like this has and turns your loving wife away from you to this extent it's hard to understand


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

An animal should never be treated equally to a human. It's just not natural. And I love my dog very much but dont understand the need to humanize these creatures.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fred21,

A dog becomes part of the family. Might as well find a home for one of your kids. You W, as well as my W, apparently love their dogs(kids). Heck, our pups get a bath once a week. The terrier gets her hair put up everyday. They get breakfast right along with me. They sleep in our bed. Some nights in our daughters bed. 

At the end of the day, our dogs make my wife happy. She humanizes them as sinnister has posted. But I don't care because they bring her peace, laughter and a sense of home. Do I get neglected? No sir. I come first. She assures that. She will keep the pups out of the bedroom so we can do what adults do in the bedroom. They truly are not a bother. In fact, everyday I like to come to home to my W and dogs. All three are happy to see me. Sometimes all their tails wag. 

Accept the dog as part of the family fabric.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

it's completely all right no to want the dog in your bedroom, in your bed, on your furniture. You just have to train them and show that these places are out of question. I have a dog and a cat, and they are not allowed on furniture, our clothes aer not full of doggie, hair, not mentioning allergies.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> it's completely all right no to want the dog in your bedroom, in your bed, on your furniture. You just have to train them and show that these places are out of question. I have a dog and a cat, and they are not allowed on furniture, our clothes aer not full of doggie, hair, not mentioning allergies.


This is why our dogs get baths frequently. You are correct. Dogs should be trained. But when humanized as some do they turn into free range pets!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I've never had a family member lick his own ass before


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Wow…
Pets are supposed to bring stress down and provide company and love.
Dogs are really good at it. So you have a dog who respects you and also keeps your wife happy…and you sent it away? 
Why didn’t you just punch her in the guts while you were at it?

If she is truly “obsessed” with the dog, then sending it away was a DIRECT nullification of caring for her.
Damn man! Your wife could have developed an affair or obsession with another man, but she chose to do it with a dog…and you send it away?

If I were you…I would drive out, get the dog, and bring it back to her and say “Darling, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. If it makes you happy, I don’t mind a little pet hair.”

You also need to get over yourself.
Harmless infatuation and loving a dog is not a bad thing and it’s a great way to spread more love in the house.
I have seen a lot of empty nesters desire a small being to take care of and dogs are great for that.

Are you being unreasonable?
Your wife has formed an attachment with something she loves and you are forcing it away from her.
In my experience this is NEVER good and will be a matter of contention until you die.

Personally I think you are being a great big baby about the whole thing and your wife is probably appalled at your behavior.
Time to man up, get the dog, and apologize for not understanding that she needs to do something meaningful and the dog is her way of doing it.

Remember…Happy Wife…Happy Life.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

SamuraiJack said:


> Wow…
> Pets are supposed to bring stress down and provide company and love.
> Dogs are really good at it. So you have a dog who respects you and also keeps your wife happy…and you sent it away?
> Why didn’t you just punch her in the guts while you were at it?
> ...


Here's the thing though. Not everybody in the world feels the same way about dogs as others. He believes his wants and desires should trump in this case because they are talking about an animal..not a human being. She can find something else that she can invest her time and form a bond with.

It's pretty simple. If one of the heads of household have a problem with the dog they shouldn't even be made to feel like they are forcing the other to choose. There shouldnt even be a decision. The pet should always come second to human wants, desires and interaction. Always.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> I've never had a family member lick his own ass before


Now thats talent!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Here's the thing though. Not everybody in the world feels the same way about dogs as others. He believes his wants and desires should trump in this case because they are talking about an animal..not a human being. She can find something else that she can invest her time and form a bond with.
> 
> It's pretty simple. If one of the heads of household have a problem with the dog they shouldn't even be made to feel like they are forcing the other to choose. There shouldnt even be a decision. The pet should always come second to human wants, desires and interaction. Always.


:iagree:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sinnister said:


> Here's the thing though. Not everybody in the world feels the same way about dogs as others. He believes his wants and desires should trump in this case because they are talking about an animal..not a human being. She can find something else that she can invest her time and form a bond with.
> 
> It's pretty simple. If one of the heads of household have a problem with the dog they shouldn't even be made to feel like they are forcing the other to choose. There shouldnt even be a decision. The pet should always come second to human wants, desires and interaction. Always.


OK, say the OP has a really awesome 68 Camaro in the garage. The W hates it. OP washes, waxes and drives the Camaro all the time. It smells of raw gas and oil. Drips in the driveway. Needs a few $100 in repairs every now and then. W decides to put it on Craigs List because she is second fiddle to the Camaro. H should just get over it. 

W desires should come first, no?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I"m in camp confused with this one.

I LOVE animals. I have dogs, cats, chickens, horses.......and would have more critters if time and money were to allow. My animals make me happy. BUT they don't come ahead of anyONE. Unless someONE was trying to hurt them for no reason (but that's a different tale.)

My MIL (bf's mom....i adore her) has ONE dog and she treats it like royalty. Like crazy royalty. They have to leave places early to check on the dog, she has to have all her things JUST SO. And heaven forbid ANYONE says a bad word to the (spoiled rotten) animal in her presense. It drives her husband nuts. But he lets her have the dog because it makes her happy.

I would think that at this point, if you make your W get rid of the dog, there will be EXTREME resentment towards you on her end. You "allowed" her to get the thing, now you are basically going back on your word. Surely a compromise can be worked out? I don't understand why it has to be "your way or the highway." You've been together 30 years and this is the first dog you've ever "let" her get? Really?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

If my spouse told me to give up our dog I would divorce her without hesitation.

Over and out.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I would think that at this point, if you make your W get rid of the dog, there will be EXTREME resentment towards you on her end. You "allowed" her to get the thing, now you are basically going back on your word. Surely a compromise can be worked out? I don't understand why it has to be "your way or the highway." You've been together 30 years and this is the first dog you've ever "let" her get? Really?


:iagree:

Would you believe my mother left a $100K annuity to my sister to care for her two dogs after she passed away? 

Yep....some folks just really love their pets!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Would you believe my mother left a $100K annuity to my sister to care for her two dogs after she passed away?
> 
> Yep....some folks just really love their pets!


Your mom was a good woman. I'm sure it doesn't cost $100K to care for 2 dogs, but it gave her assurance that 'shortage of money' would not be used as an excuse to neglect the creatures. I hope your sister upholds your mom's wishes.

Domesticated dogs deserve as much love and attention as children. They're completely helpless (thanks to us) with regards to their needs and they never forced their way into our lives. We brought them in.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If the dog does not have behavior issues, then this is a total over reaction. If you are jealous of the dog, then you have marriage issues you need to address, not dog issues.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Maybe a distemper shot would help the OP?  J/K.


I'll get my hat....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your wife probably sees this just like you expecting her to give away a child. No, pets aren't human, but adopting a pet does come with responsibilities, and they shouldn't just be shunted around to different owners when you get tired of caring for it.

She does not love the dog more than you. But she does love the dog. So you've put her in a position where she has to give away something she loves because...you are tired of her loving the dog? No, she won't forgive you for that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fred21,

How old are your children? I get the feeling that this dog is filling your wife's need to mother someone/thing very young. A dog can fill that.

You went along with getting the dog. Your needs in this are no more important than your wife's. You two are equal partners. At this point the status quo is that you have a dog. Any change from the status quo has to be a joint decision. Instead you are making a unilateral decision and pushing it on your wife.

You feel like you your wife is putting the dog ahead of you. Your wife feels like you are using the dog to push her around and wanting to deprive her of something that obviously makes her happy. Both of you feel like the other is putting something ahead of the marriage and ahead of each other.

My suggestion is that you get a good dog training who comes to your house. The trainer does not train dogs as much as he/she trains humans. Your wife needs training. You might as well. Then fido can do some learning too. It would help your wife to hear from someone else (the trainer) that it's reasonable for you to not want to dog on your bed and furniture and how to get the dog to behave.

Maybe you can start watching Cesar Millan's show on dog training. It's really helpful, especially for people who cannot get their dogs to behave and who spoil them.

http://www.cesarsway.com/channel/dog-training


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wow a lot of different opinions on this
I am surprised how "agressive" dog loving people can be!
I am very much an open person who tries to do the right thing for my family and even after realising the mistake of bringing a dog into our home still tried for 18 months to accept it makes my wife happy 
What surprises me is how because it makes my wife happy I should just "put up with it" but why if I'm unhappy?
Why don't my feeling count in this only my wife's?
I know now we should not have had a dog but things are easy in hindsight (and I did not "let" my family have a dog) we discussed it and how many people can say they have never made a mistake??
Yes the dilemma has been if the dog goes it makes my wife unhappy but if the dog stays I'm unhappy why is it wrong one way and not the other? 
Why is it ok for my wife to see that something she insists on keeping make me unhappy?
The last post I'm am grateful for as it does give some unbiased advice tho clearly from a dog lover and I thank you ( my kids are 22 & 18) so your right it is possibly a replacement thing that has occurred to me
I love my wife and family and will try to do the right thing maybe even if it hurts me more than them in the end!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have no good ideas here. But if you get rid of your wife, the dog will go too. Not an ideal path, no doubt!


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hi Fred! I am one of those aggressive dog lovers. So sorry, didn't mean to come across that way. I have been on the rescuing end of those who got rid of their dogs and it's heartbreaking. You are right. Your feelings are important and it's perfectly alright to change your mind. But, your wife is very attached and he makes her happy. You don't want him on the bed or furniture and that's ok. My dogs do not sleep with me. They try to hog the bed. You can put a dog bed in the laundry room or your bedroom floor and train him to use it at a certain time every night. I use crates to keep mine safe & out of trouble. They eat in them & sleep in them. Training takes time and patience and something the two of you can do together.


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

NewLife2017 said:


> Hi Fred! I am one of those aggressive dog lovers. So sorry, didn't mean to come across that way. I have been on the rescuing end of those who got rid of their dogs and it's heartbreaking. You are right. Your feelings are important and it's perfectly alright to change your mind. But, your wife is very attached and he makes her happy. You don't want him on the bed or furniture and that's ok. My dogs do not sleep with me. They try to hog the bed. You can put a dog bed in the laundry room or your bedroom floor and train him to use it at a certain time every night. I use crates to keep mine safe & out of trouble. They eat in them & sleep in them. Training takes time and patience and something the two of you can do together.


Thanks NewLife
The dog has never slept upstairs think that's crossed wires
She is a nice dog and as i said before I could never understand cruelty to animals and are trying to find a home for her.
(It's not the dogs fault we got into this mess!!)
I am surprised how one sided some people think tho


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

Lila said:


> Fred:
> 
> I was in your shoes just under a year ago. I relented to get a dog from the rescue that I did not want to get. I felt very much like you do now.
> 
> ...


Thanks Lila
The last few posts have been very unbiased and given me a lot to think about.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dogs do take up a lot of energy. We have 3 but it's never caused stress.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Lila said:


> Fred:
> 
> I was in your shoes just under a year ago. I relented to get a dog from the rescue that I did not want to get. I felt very much like you do now.
> 
> ...


I used the same approach with my wife's, I mean our, cat. She used to pee in my shoes and I'd understandably be upset. I forced myself to start interacting with her and now she likes me better than she likes my wife. lol

And btw, she stopped peeing in my shoes too.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bfree said:


> I used the same approach with my wife's, I mean our, cat. She used to pee in my shoes and I'd understandably be upset. I forced myself to start interacting with her and now she likes me better than she likes my wife. lol
> 
> *And btw, she stopped peeing in my shoes too.*


Oh...tell me she is now peeing in the wife's shoes. I want to know if she changes her mind about the cat and puts it up for adoption.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Oh...tell me she is now peeing in the wife's shoes. I want to know if she changes her mind about the cat and puts it up for adoption.


LOL

No, she uses her litter box. I think it was that I considered her to be my wife's exclusively and my wife in turn developed an over attachment to her that caused the behavior problems. I think in her kitty mind she was trying to drive me away so it would be just her and my wife. Sorry, no chance of that. I've dealt with much worse than a little cat pee in my life.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bfree said:


> LOL
> 
> No, she uses her litter box. I think it was that I considered her to be my wife's exclusively and my wife in turn developed an over attachment to her that caused the behavior problems. I think in her kitty mind she was trying to drive me away so it would be just her and my wife. Sorry, no chance of that. I've dealt with much worse than a little cat pee in my life.


I don't think it works that way with cats. Cat was trying to mark YOU as her territory because you were avoiding her. Once you started interacting with her, she knew you were trainable. She decided to stick with you as you proved to give her the kind of attention she wants...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Dogs do take up a lot of energy. We have 3 but it's never caused stress.


Dog do does take up a lot of energy. I think I need to read that again. My comprehension sucks tonight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bfree said:


> I used the same approach with my wife's, I mean our, cat. She used to pee in my shoes and I'd understandably be upset. I forced myself to start interacting with her and now she likes me better than she likes my wife. lol
> 
> And btw, she stopped peeing in my shoes too.


It's clear that the shoe peeing thing was a message.. she did not like that you ignored her. She knew what was going on ...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

norajane said:


> I don't think it works that way with cats. Cat was trying to mark YOU as her territory because you were avoiding her. Once you started interacting with her, she knew you were trainable. She decided to stick with you as you proved to give her the kind of attention she wants...


I'm trainable? I love it! Maybe someday the cat will let my wife know...

:rofl:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Men, if your wife ignores you, try peeing in her shoes. 

Just kidding, alright? 

You don't want to die a slow painful death.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Fred21 said:


> What surprises me is how because it makes my wife happy I should just "put up with it" but why if I'm unhappy?
> Why don't my feeling count in this only my wife's?
> I know now we should not have had a dog but things are easy in hindsight (and I did not "let" my family have a dog) we discussed it and how many people can say they have never made a mistake??
> Yes the dilemma has been if the dog goes it makes my wife unhappy but if the dog stays I'm unhappy why is it wrong one way and not the other?
> Why is it ok for my wife to see that something she insists on keeping make me unhappy?


Im just trying to imagine what could possibly be so stressful about this dog that you feel the need to get rid of it "to do the right thing".
You discussed it with your family and you agreed to it.
Now you are going back on your word because it isnt convenient for you. If you felt that strongly about it, you should have stood up for yourself in the beginning. Now you are not only disrespecting your wife, but you arent staying true to your word.

If you are looking to make your wife lose respect for you, then you are definitely on the right course.

So seriously...WHAT is so bad about this dog that she is causing you so much stress?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Well Fred, I'm another dog person. I'm very biased because dogs were part of my job for many years. So you know what side I'm on. By the way, did I completely miss the breed (or approx guess) of the dog? The general size?

If you are committed to being a good husband, just give something a try for a couple of weeks. Show your wife you're a sweet open minded guy. Do some basic obedience training with the dog. The easiest and best would be to go to some classes but that might be more than you're willing to do.

In that case, just get a small book, and watch a couple Youtube videos. Obedience is basic, and pretty easy. Most important, does the dog like to chase a ball? If so, it can learn anything. If not, find what it does like, probably treats. Its all based on rewarding positive behavior, correcting bad behavior, and CONSISTENCY. You must be consistent.

Get a good leather leash, and consider a prong or "pinch" collar if the dog is a puller. Some folks don't like them, but they are way more humane that choking and jerking your dog all the time. Plus, they work.

If you spent 15 minutes a day with the dog, rewarding/correcting it, it will love and respect you for the rest of its days. So will your wife.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Fred21 said:


> I love my wife and family and will try to do the right thing maybe even if it hurts me more than them in the end!


And what is the right thing here? Forcing your W to get rid of something she loves because you don't like it? Oh, but you will deal with the resentment because that's better than dealing with a dog. (REALLY?)


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And it's not about a "dog." Replace dog with a hobby.......cross stiching for example. She has cross stitching meetings she likes to go to....expos she takes trips to. It's causing you to miss out on family vacations and is costing more money than the family can afford.

So the cross stitching HAS to go! Wife, you are not allowed to pick up a single piece of aida cloth ever again! How dare you watch the cross stitching channel on TV! Why are you even talking about floss!!! Get rid of all of those supplies IMMEDIATELY! (Sounds ridiculous, yes?)

NO, her feelings are not more important than yours. Just as yours are not more important than hers. Cut down on the cross stich expos, the meetings, the trips. So she cross stiches in her spare time, only attends one meeting a month. There is ALWAYS a compromise.

It's your "my way or the highway" attitude that bothers me about this whole thing, not the fact that it's a dog. There is ALWAYS a compromise.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If your name is actually Fred, and you don't have a dog, the world could cease to exist.

Fred MacMurray didn't always like his dogs on TV, but he hung in there.
Fred Flinstone=Dino, who even got to go to the drive in.
Fred Sanford= Lamont


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, there has to be a way to compromise here. If you don't want the dog on your bed, that's fair enough (I don't understand it, but everyone's different). That can be a compromise.

If you don't want the dog on the furniture, train her or restrict the parts of inside the house that she can go in to. Lots of people do it. It's not difficult.

Your wife and kids will never forget it if you make them give the dog away.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> OK, say the OP has a really awesome 68 Camaro in the garage. The W hates it. OP washes, waxes and drives the Camaro all the time. It smells of raw gas and oil. Drips in the driveway. Needs a few $100 in repairs every now and then. W decides to put it on Craigs List because she is second fiddle to the Camaro. H should just get over it.
> 
> W desires should come first, no?


That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is the person with the Camaro should love his wife enough to see that the time money and effort he's putting in is actually taking away from the relationship.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This situation does not have to be a zero-sum game with a winner and a loser.

There has to be some compromise and I think that is possible by keeping the dog.

However BOUNDARIES need to be enforced/respected. The dog can be banned from certain areas of the home/off of the furniture. Baby gates and training are helpful for this.

Also, I don't see why this has to be a situation where you are neglected by your wife in favour of her dog. I also don't think this should be her dog but "your" dog - meaning the both of you. I think that this could enhance your marriage. Doing things together to care for, train and play with the dog can be an activity you all do. 

Taking it on walks together and destressing about your day. Or going biking or hiking together and the dog can come as well. Attending dog obedience classes together or having a trainer come into the home etc. It can be used to enhance your bond or you can choose to see it as something that pushes you and your wife away.

I think Ele was spot on about the dog being used by your wife to fulfill her need to be a caretaker. Your children are not babies anymore and she seems to need something to nurture. Dogs are needy, much like children. Makes sense to me that someone that has a need to care for and nurture things/people in order to be happy would get a dog, love that dog and be upset in having to be rid of it.

My FIL HATES dogs. Unlike you, he doesn't have any level of enjoyment when it comes to dogs. He thinks they're dirty and disgusting. Everyone else in the family loves dogs. They compromised by keeping strict rules about where the dog was allowed in the house and now that everyone is grown and lives in their own homes - where dogs are allowed when we're up at the cottage. The compromises kept everyone happy. No not everyone gets exactly what they want but it is better than playing a zero sum game where one person gets what they want and the other is miserable.


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

GA Heart you seriously need to lay off the drugs!

When I started this I wanted to understand why such a thing like this could cause such upset in a family and try to work out the best way forward

I have tried to compromise in various ways over the last 18 months but promises by my wife when we first said about having a dog did not happen! 
I did say that I did say no originally but was prepared to accept to have a dog to make my family happy as long as some ground rules were understood at which promises were made.
When someone makes promises then breaks them it's difficult to carry on and now when I say I've had enough I'm the bad man 

BUT I am the type of father and husband as I said that does try to do the best for his family and some people on here have given me some good advice which I am grateful

When talking about training and using experts I think you are right but tbh more for my wife than myself as most things people have mentioned I already do but my wife does not 

It is difficult to accept that things have got this bad in a 30year marriage between two people who are meant to love each other and raised two fantastic children 
To me a dog should never replace the love between two people you should both understand and want to make sure the other is never hurt and that is why I have been trying to find the best advice on here where as my wife decided the dog is more important.

As I have done over the last 18 months I will give in and just accept this is the way things are meant to be and maybe with dog training etc things will be better but deep down I will always resent how I have been treated just as much as my wife would if the dog had gone


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The sad thing about this is that it is something that can lead to other resentments and then to infidelity. It's a shame that there cannot be some kind of compromise. 

I do understand that you feel abandoned to a certain extent. I do understand that you may feel like plan B. Maybe that is the approach you need to take? The trouble is, most I think, would tell you to divorce your wife if you are not plan A! 

Divorcing over a dog seems silly. What happens when you just don't care to go out with your wife as much? What happens when that resentment translates to a lack of desire for her? What will everyone think then?

In some ways, I think it's silly. I do understand though. I have felt similar feelings at times, when I was married. I think the thing to do is this. Make yourself a higher priority in your life. Find things to do that will make you happy. When you are active on your own, she likely will take notice. It can cause resentment in her. It can also cause her to take notice to the fact that you aren't around much. I don't really like the idea all that much because it seems passive aggressive. I don't see many other ideas besides just knuckling under. I don't really like that either.

I think if it was something she wanted you to stop doing, if you had an interest in something that took you away from her, folks might feel differently. 

I'm going to suggest something radical. Try the book, His Needs Her Needs. I think it's in someone's signature line in this very thread. Maybe that will let her know what you need?

I do understand that you don't need an animal in your life to feel whole. Maybe you aren't meeting one of her needs? Just some thoughts I had. This topic has crossed my mind in the past and I wasn't sure how to handle it either. Only when I was not bothered by the animal, did things calm down. Suddenly, she wasn't all that interested either. Also, I don't think the animal was as into her as me at that point and that made her lose interest. 

Of course, I paid less attention to her. I was playing with the animal and goofing around with him rather than her. Not so good when I think about it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Fred,

Fight fire with fire. Get a pet monkey that swings from the drapes.

My brother bought my parents, who are in the 80s, a black lab. The dog has definitely taken over. My mother locked her in a crate every night. Eventually, the dog started sleeping on the same spots on the sofa that my mother likes. Steals food off the table. Runs off. Got hit by a car and suffered two collapsed lungs. Big vet bill from that. Crunched up my mothers glasses. The police threatened my mother with a $500 fine when the dog got out and chased the postman.

Dog doesn't listen to my mother who talks to her like a person. I made sure the dog minded me when I visit.

Getting rid of the dog is not unreasonable if it is a pest.


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## Fred21 (Sep 28, 2014)

2ntnuf
Thanks but I don't think infidelity could happen tbh no matter what happens I will always love her I will try and look for the book tho thanks

Longwalk
Crikey a monkey lol
As it happens we talked tonight and she feels that we are far enough along to not try changing our minds
Tbh I think we are now both too scared to put ourselves through this again

She told me tonight that an elderly couple are interested in having her and tbh it's good that they are home all day and not like us leaving her on her own (howling has been heard regularly)
Plus she gets left a lot at the weekends as well due to family commitments 

I hope we as a family learn from this and as my wife said tonight not to both be selfish and dig our heels in


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Men, if your wife ignores you, try peeing in her shoes.
> 
> Just kidding, alright?
> 
> You don't want to die a slow painful death.


just say "honey the dog did it"

her: "but his poops are not that big!?"

:rofl:



i love dogs, hate cats. But if i had either in my house and it was screwing up my life, a quick trip to the animal shelter would fix that in one afternoon.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Never been a drug user of any kind, but thanks for asking.


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