# need good advice



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Been married for ten years this January. My husband and I separated for two months recently and he had finally come home about two months ago. Our problems were due to many things but one thing in particular was causing problems. His addiction to video games. He does not think he has a problem, but he plays a lot...and almost every night. Sometimes he goes days without playing and thinks that means there isn't a problem. But...he spends lots of money on it and can not live without it...no matter what. He plays online with his brother and others...Ps3 is his system. He puts these games before me and gets angry if I even mention him not playing. He says it's the only way he can relax.
Any good advice would be appreciated.
We have gone to a few sessions of counceling at the church and talked with his preacher. His family do not think there is a problem with him neglecting us for the games. At my wits end.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sorry! I really do understand your problem; I lived with that 14 years. Unfortunately I never found a solution. That can definitely be an addiction! It's no different than drinking, drugs, gambling, or shopping--when it is done in excess. It is an OCD and probably needs to be handled by a trained professional.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

He won't see anyone at all. He use to drink a lot and now wants to start back. We have three kids who I adore, and he acts like we don't exist. I have begged him to get help, and he says that nothing will help. I do it all...work...housework..yard work....take care of the kids and he doesn't life a finger. He gets mad at me because I get sad or lonely. I am backed in a corner and don't know what else to do.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Hey Denise, So sorry you are going through this. 

I too have had issues with my H and online gaming, as well as a sex addiction. I gave him ultimatiums, told him he had to change or i would take the kids and leave. In my experience ultimatiums do not work. They make the other person feel defensive, and sometimes they seperate themselves further from their SO. 

I started therapy with my H, but after a few sessions he stopped going. I continue to see my therapist. And things are going well for me. My therapist gives me great insight into myself.

At this point in time my H and I are living seperated in our home. I am finding myself, by continuing therapy and getting out of the house with my kids frequently. I can no longer babysit my H and his addictions. So if he wants to change its up to him, but he will now do it without my support. The children and I are moving out on August 1st. He knows, and doesn't appear bothered by it, as he is still ignoring us completely and playing his xbox for six hours a night after he comes home from work.

It is a tough spot to find yourself in. My advice to you is to seek counseling, on your own. Find ways to better yourself and your situation. Maybe if he sees an improvement in you, he may decide he wants to join in. If not, be prepared to have to take a leap of faith and stand on your own two feet. When people suffer from addictions, they have a hard time seeing what they are doing to their loved ones. Usually the only way they wake up is when they truely hit rock bottom and have lost everything.

I hope everything works out for you.
SB


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sufficiently Breathless said:


> Hey Denise, So sorry you are going through this.
> 
> I too have had issues with my H and online gaming, as well as a sex addiction. I gave him ultimatiums, told him he had to change or i would take the kids and leave. In my experience ultimatiums do not work. They make the other person feel defensive, and sometimes they seperate themselves further from their SO.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It's amazing how those around an addict benefit from counseling. I have been in individual counseling for a year now learning how to cope with this and MUCH more. It's a good place for you to start as well. Also, see if you can find a support group.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I would love to find a support group. Unfortunately, I live in a very small town where everyone knows everything you do....not that we have any support groups to join anyway. If he found out that I said anything about addiction, he would explode. I have been down this path before...My first husband left me over and over again and was addicted to alcohol and sex. I was a single mother of our son for over four years before I could bare to date again....he was also very abusive. My husband(that I am married to now) was a refreshing difference. He didn't have those problems....and he was always so good to me and my son....but things slowly began to change and now....he is almost as bad as my first husband. I've done counceling and to tell you the truth....they all wanted to pop me full of pills and tell me to do what ever I wanted. I have a hard time understanding addiction...even though I have been around it all of my life. My father was also an addict. But there has never been anything in my life that I couldn't put down or walk away from. I just don't have an addictive personality....but I seem to fall into relationships with those who do. I guess.....this is my starting place. At least on here I can get my feelings out and hopefully get a little support. Thank you so much for listening...or well...reading.


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## Lumpy (Jan 6, 2010)

just think that it could be worst. maybe you should start a hobby or treat yourself out to dinner or take a grifriend out, while he sits at home playing his games. maybe he will see the light and want to do other things along with you. just remember you have to enjoy yourself.


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## Most (Dec 20, 2009)

From a gamer's perspective...never offer an ultimatum, it goes against the very grain of why we're playing in the first place, which is to relax, kick back and enjoy ourselves. That is the quickest route IMO to the 'well **** it' attitude. I respect my parents and their advice, but they can no longer TELL me what to do. I say that only to point out that basically when you give a "Do this...or else", we feel like we're not even part of the process, like you've made the decision already. We'll play even longer just to get the point across that we moved out from our parents many years ago.

I think perhaps that since you've already tried reasoning with him, start prepping yourself AND him for being separated. I would suggest that since he wants to live like he's just a roomate, treat him like one...no cooking, no laundry, no sex. If that doesn't get his attention, especially the no sex part...then you already know the direction you need to take.


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