# baby steps?



## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

Don't even know how to begin the saga of a 26 year old fairly good marriage, but here is the dilemma.... having reached a point of explosion in November ( I left with the kids for a month after I was threatened for months with my destruction for talking to an ex high school bf, for making an appointment to see a divorce atty etc..), I told my husband that our marriage was irretrievably over ( I had previously tried to talk with him in the summer about my desire to go in different directions but that met with threats and ultimatums) We are currently living under the same roof ( different floors) with our 3 reamaing children at home until some of our debt is paid off( yes, major ongoing financial infidelity on his part that I was unaware of for many years, and found out that he had used our childrens inheritance up without my knowledge). He has painted an either or scenario... bankruptcy or waiting 17 months to get debt paid off and THEN I can have my divorce... as long as I don't take the kids. I want mediation and to move forward ( or at least to begin to move forward) but so far it has met with resistance. The house and cars are all titled to him. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 26 years, so I realize that I will need to start over in the job market, and I don't want to be financially draining on him for the long term. Any attempts to bring up me going back to school or working full time is met with " sure but any financial outlay for your schooling takes away from you getting your divorce sooner". I've had people tell me to suck it up and stay in the marriage, get out now and who cares about the financial mess, sock it to him....etc.....but how do I navigate this and keep my sanity without inflicting more damamge to everyone( kids and him).....and how do I start to feel like I am moving forward when I'm feeling vulnerable, fearful, sad and hopeful for the future all at the same time? I raised the kids for the most part while he moved up the ladder with several relocations/ promotions, so my career aspirations have taken a back seat for the most part even though it was a mutual decision at the time. BTW 3 kids still at home ages 17, 12, 7 year old. How do you live under the same roof and try to be civil, not play the guilt game or re-hash the past and not get bitter, yet get the other party to the table ?..in other words take the high road as all the divorce books recommend?... any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

any direction you take it's going to be painful. how are the kids reacting?


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

I feel for you, you have no good options. Since you have been a stay at home mom and have financial difficulties, I would go to school pronto. His whole tactic of "You can get schooling, but it will be longer to get a divorce," well, yeah, whatever. The future details will take care of themselves. 

Bottom line is if it's done you need to have a plan for the future. You're going to need a job--concentrate on what it would take to get that job so that you can move on. Do be careful with school loans--I believe that even if you declare bankruptcy at some point, you are still on the hook for school loans?

I'm so sorry-it's a horrible place to be in.


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## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

justwhy, and Moonhare: Thanks for your comments...I am realizing just how tenuous this situation is shaping up to be. It's a lonely process to be sure, since I am the one who has decided the marriage portion of our relationship over with. The youngest child is having the most emotional time as she is trying to understand what divorce means, and how long the process will take. The other older children are all having differing reactions, mainly because their daily routines haven't been terribly disrupted since we returned back to the house post Christmas break. I'm sure that they are feeling the stress in various ways but since they are at so many different ages/ stages they are all manifesting it in different ways. I think that the anger is simmering under the surface for the older kids although none of the boys have close relationships with their father, and to be sure I'm sure that they have anger towards me as well. HB won't discuss moving forward, the divorce, changes, or anything with anyone ( including me) because he has stated that I'm the one who is destroying the family and I'm the one who is going to have the hatred of my children in the future when they realize that I was responsible for the death of their father and the destruction of our family unit.
As for school, I'm working part time during the school year to save enough money to get at least get a cna certificate so that I can get an entry level job and hopefully get tuition assistance down the road through an employer. Hb also doesn't want to do anything that will require after school child care expenses, if I go back to school. He often worked 70 hour weeks so he wants everything to stay normal in that area..... for the kids stability. When I explain that when I get full time employment, schedules may have to be rearranged because healthcare is 24/7, he doesn't want to discuss that either. I know how painful and distraught he has been and still is but any attempts to have any progressive amicable discussions with him only result in things deteriorating and me feeling frustrated and angry by his roadblocks to everything. It is so hard to plan for my future when I'm so mistrustful and wary of his either or scenarios and his unwillingnes to try to work through the situation. I wonder if he is doing this on purpose to be passive aggressive vindictave?


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