# Wife contacted by friend from college on Facebook



## UGADawgs79

A few months ago, my wife told me that some guy she knew from college (she graduated in 2004) sent her a message on Facebook asking her to come down to visit him for the weekend (10 hours away) and not to tell me about it. She held off telling me about it for a month afraid I would get mad. She told me she stopped it right there and didn't even respond to the message. She told her mom before she told me! He sent her another message recently and she swears she didn't respond. I have asked her to remove him as a friend on Facebook as it is inappropriate, but she said it was no big deal because she never talked to them. I don't have my ex-fiance on my Facebook and have refused to add her because of that very reason. Should I trust her that this never progressed any further or should I think about installing a keystroke logger on her PC?


----------



## alphaomega

Well, if it was me I wouldn't have a problem emailing mr douchbag and giving him a run through. 

As for your wife, she has absolutely no reason to keep him as a friend on Facebook. Especially since you already know his intentions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

You think you're losing sleep now due to your kids always getting into bed with you (your other thread), imagine how much sleep you will lose over this if you don't treat it properly.


1) Yes, trust but verify- get the keylogger on now. There is also a program out there that can retrieve deleted facebook chats and messages
2) Put your foot down about defriending him- make it simple and firm, "it's him or me"
3) Consider the reason your wife didn't tell you at first was because she actually thought about it. You need complete transparency from your wife and you need to make this very clear to her.
4) Start getting your kids out of your bed and start bonding more with a better sex life.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> You think you're losing sleep now due to your kids always getting into bed with you (your other thread), imagine how much sleep you will lose over this if you don't treat it properly.
> 
> 
> 1) Yes, trust but verify- get the keylogger on now. There is also a program out there that can retrieve deleted facebook chats and messages
> 2) Put your foot down about defriending him- make it simple and firm, "it's him or me"
> 3) Consider the reason your wife didn't tell you at first was because she actually thought about it. You need complete transparency from your wife and you need to make this very clear to her.
> 4) Start getting your kids out of your bed and start bonding more with a better sex life.


Thanks for the advice. I will get the keylogger on her laptop the next time she's out of the house. Do you know the name of the Facebook program? I would go on there and email him to leave her alone, but she refuses to tell me his name for that very reason. I guess I'll have to start doing a little PI work to find out.


----------



## UGADawgs79

alphaomega said:


> Well, if it was me I wouldn't have a problem emailing mr douchbag and giving him a run through.
> 
> As for your wife, she has absolutely no reason to keep him as a friend on Facebook. Especially since you already know his intentions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh trust me I would if I knew his name!


----------



## sigma1299

See this thread - or one of the countless others about old flames and facebook....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32320-wife-initiated-contact-old-bf-facebook.html


----------



## Almostrecovered

It used to be called fchat when I used it 2 years ago, they changed the name so check the program description before buying

Fchat « JADsoftware Inc.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

It's odd that she told you about it, but then refuses to tell you anything else or block him. Remain wary-


----------



## UGADawgs79

Unsure in Seattle said:


> It's odd that she told you about it, but then refuses to tell you anything else or block him. Remain wary-



I asked her why she wouldn't tell me anymore about it and she said she didn't want me causing trouble and emailing him. Well, if he messes with my marriage he's *asking for it!*


----------



## DSSM9500

Confront and stop it now.....this FB stuff can easily spiral out of control - especially if there is even a little weakness in the marriage. Take it from me...an EA is not worth rekindling an old friendship. If I only knew then what I do now!


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> I asked her why she wouldn't tell me anymore about it and she said she didn't want me causing trouble and emailing him. Well, if he messes with my marriage he's *asking for it!*


My response to this would have been, "Honey thanks for your honesty, it just reaffirms that we can trust each other. I won't cause any trouble if you deal with it and protect our marriage, but if you don't - I will."


----------



## sadcalifornian

Do not relent. The guy is a predator, and he will not back down so easily from the sound of it. You must convince her that you will not let this swept under the rug unless she cooperates. Promise her that you have no intention to make scene but you must know who is trying to seduce her and destroy your marriage. Ask her why she is trying to protect him so much. 

Install keylogger on the PC and start checking on her phone and the bill to see if there is any phone call at odd hours. Don't threaten her, but be relentless. She will give in eventually once she realizes that you the best interest to protect the marriage.


----------



## F-102

UGADawgs79 said:


> I asked her why she wouldn't tell me anymore about it and she said she didn't want me causing trouble and emailing him. Well, if he messes with my marriage he's *asking for it!*


Do***ebag has already "caused trouble"-she may be trickle truthing you.


----------



## jnj express

Hey GA dawgs whose football team sucks this year

She has no reason not to delete him entirely---he is causing problems, causing her to hide things from you, causing you anguish

Just straight out tell her---delete him, and do it now

If she gives you any kind of problem about it---then hit her very very hard, about possibly carrying on an A., whether she is or not---he should be gone, and she should not have to think twice about it


----------



## that_girl

I would have removed him instantly.

She is obviously getting off on the attention.


----------



## sigma1299

that_girl said:


> I would have removed him instantly.
> 
> She is obviously getting off on the attention.


:iagree:
Yup - playing with fire because the flame is pretty - watch out you don't get burned!!


----------



## better than before

My H was also (innocently I thought- stupid and naive of me) contacted by an old HS girlfriend that he hasn't seen in 22 years. We have been together 21, married 13. Ironically, they met on vacation. She was there with her boyfriend and his parents, and she got together with my H( she was a cheater back then). They were just kids and talked and saw each other again a few times, but they apparently had a great connection. Fast forward to June a year ago; we are sitting together and he tells me he just got a friend request from her. Stupid me thinks nothing of it; I don't think my H thought much. I could tell he got an ego boost because she looked him up. A few weeks later, full blown EA! It lasted only 7 weeks, but I was devastated. I believed that we had a great marriage. We have worked hard to R, and we now have a different ( but much better) marriage. The time after d-day was among the darkest of my life; I felt alone and betrayed. He was/is my world- very hard to deal with. It happens fast!! We have discovered that my H is attracted to needy women; he was back then. All his other girlfriends fit the bill, but me. I jokingly tell him he married me because I'm not crazy! He knew back then these women were not good for him, but that doesn't end the attraction. He also believed deep down, maybe still does, that I don't need him emotionally like his AP did. They were both so deep in fog that I can't compete with that kind of need; she needed him like a drug. I very much need, want, and desire him. I now know I have to show him. Take the time to find out where the holes are in your marriage and repair them. It is so funny, my H always said FB was the devil; I used to just laugh at him. I am not naive anymore, joined the real world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102

Read what I wrote on Scott1973's thread, about how right now its:"Hey, how you been doing?"


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

F-102 said:


> Do***ebag has already "caused trouble"-she may be trickle truthing you.


Exactly. Married ladies are supposed to be off limits. This guy is a shark and deserves to be treated accordingly.


----------



## WillS

We're in the same boat, my wife's been doing this stuff for years. I hate it when they think by telling you after the fact they've somehow done all they could to solve the problem. In your case at least she told you after a month, I've recently been finding out about stuff like this that happened in 2004 and more since, almost always with guys I thought were friends of the family or her coworkers. And at least your guy was honest in a way by telling her not to tell you, because some of my wife's guy friends play the friend card so well they'd never admit what they were up to, which gives her and them some deniability on the whole thing. 

There always seem to be these kind of men waiting in the wings to make a move on married women, true predators, but the real problem is what are our spouses doing that allows them to feel comfortable to even make such moves on married people? Maybe your wife is innocent, but in my case after having this happen repeatedly I know my wife's at least open to other offers. I think you should stick to your guns on this. For me it was a big deal last year when I finally got my wife to drop some of these men as facebook friends. Good luck with all of this and take care.


----------



## Jellybeans

That_Girl is spot on.

If she respected you she would have removed him when you asked. 

Is he married/partnered?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Exactly. Married ladies are supposed to be off limits. This guy is a shark and deserves to be treated accordingly.


He is 10 hours away from us so I feel less threatened that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> :iagree:
> Yup - playing with fire because the flame is pretty - watch out you don't get burned!!


She immediately brushed it off as nothing but my concern is why not just go ahead and de-friend him? Should I be checking her text messages too? Her text alerts go off all day but they are supposedly from just her girl friends.


----------



## Eli-Zor

> *He is 10 hours away from* *us so I feel less threatened* that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


Don't kid yourself, waywards make plans to meet.

Access his facebook page and record his friends names and web links to there pages. You may need access to this for a future exposure to get him out of the picture Track down his family address , facebook pages and emails . 

It is exposure that will cause huge discomfit to the OM , what you need is enough hard evidence to sink his ship. Then you can focus on your wife and her issues.


----------



## Eli-Zor

> Should I be checking her text messages too?


Yes ; there are spyware apps to load on the phone 



> Her text alerts go off all day but they are supposedly from just her girl friends.


Standard cover story from waywards when you see the content of the text messages and or call the number you will know differently. 

Read the link below

Operation Investigate - Marriage Builders® Forums


----------



## sigma1299

Yes you should. This is not at all dissimilar from how my EA started, one of the reasons I linked you that other thread. My bet she's enjoying the attention and thinks she can keep it under control - exactly what I thought to. Maybe she can - maybe she can't. The question is are you willing to let her gamble your marriage that she can? This dude asked her to come see him and hide it from you. He is attacking your marriage and she is keeping the door open because it's fun and she thinks she can keep him from walking all the way through. All it takes is for her to say that first thing to him that she can't tell you and then they've got a secret. Once they have a secret together they're off to the races. 

She needs to acknowledge that this guy is a threat to the marriage and treat him as such, until she does your marriage is in jeopardy.


----------



## Simon Phoenix

UGADawgs79 said:


> He is 10 hours away from us so I feel less threatened that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


Oh man, please don't be that naive. I thought the exact same thing when my wife started chatting with some blast from the past. We live in GA and he lives in Minnesota. I, like you, thought that distance would keep anything from happening. Well, that little invention called airplanes made the idea of them hooking up a very REAL reality.. 

Do not be fooled into believing that they are too far apart for anything to go down. One 'business trip' to your town along with her taking an unannounced day off on the same day can turn your entire world upside down. Trust me, I know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> Don't kid yourself, waywards make plans to meet.
> 
> Access his facebook page and record his friends names and web links to there pages. You may need access to this for a future expose to get him out of the picture Track down his family address , facebook pages and emails .
> 
> It is exposure that will cause huge discomfit to the OM , what you need is enough hard evidence to sink his ship. Then you can focus on your wife and her issues.


I don't even know his name or what he looks like. She wouldn't tell me. I guess I am going to have to log onto her Facebook page and see if I can figure it out.


----------



## sigma1299

Don't be surprised if you find her password changed - if you do it's time to hit the panic button.


----------



## calif_hope

UGA
Is it possible that this dude is fiction and she is making this up to get your attention, fire your jealousy, or stir the pot? Her full disclosure of what the dude is asking for vs keeping name etc. back seems odd. Maybe she just wants more attention from you? 

Having said this, want to leave with a quote from Ronald Reagan "Trust but Verify"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

UGADawgs79 said:


> He is 10 hours away from us so I feel less threatened that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


Ten hours is nothing. Seriously. That's a day of driving? Don't underestimate the power of attraction.


----------



## that_girl

> All it takes is for her to say that first thing to him that she can't tell you and then they've got a secret. Once they have a secret together they're off to the races.


FOR SURE! Once the OM sees she will keep secrets from you, he feels more important in her life and sneaks right on in.

Dangerous territory.


----------



## UGADawgs79

She's a stay at home mom with our 3 kids. Wouldn't it be much more difficult for her to do something out of the ordinary without me noticing?

I just got on my phone and logged into her Facebook account. There's a message from August from some guy I don't know. All it said was "Yo" and then her name.


----------



## Whip Morgan

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's a stay at home mom with our 3 kids. Wouldn't it be much more difficult for her to do something out of the ordinary without me noticing?


Nope. Cheaters will find the way. UGA, you need to start reading some stories here. Any pretense that you have (i.e. "he/she would never cheat" or "he/She doesnt have the time") will vanish.


----------



## that_girl

My friend is a stay at home mom of twins. Her husband is openly cheating on her because he knows she has no one and nowhere to go. He won't pay for a divorce. She's screwed.

Well, she said she was taking a "girls' weekend" and met up with someone she met online. They each drove 6 hours to meet.

I don't condone this behaviour and I told her so. But after 2 years of her husband TELLING HER he was going on dates with his gf, I told her I'd just look the other way. Fact is, she did it and it wasn't difficult to do.

This man could drive 10 hours...and meet up with her for a night out. Who knows.


----------



## Simon Phoenix

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's a stay at home mom with our 3 kids. Wouldn't it be much more difficult for her to do something out of the ordinary without me noticing?


Uhhh, nope. If your kids are in school, she has at least a six-hour window to get busy with him, clean herself up, and be ready in more than enough time before they return. Hell, she can be serving dinner by the time you get home with a wide, Cheshire cat smile on her face left from the three-hour rendezvous she had with ole boy. And If the kids are too small for that, well, its called naptime. Not too many toddlers I know of have the wherewithal to tell a parent that they heard the bed rocking and some other noises when mom went upstairs to 'help' the cable man. Most kids that age can barely remember anything beyond their last ice cream cone.

See how that works? Take off the red and black blinders, my man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> My friend is a stay at home mom of twins. Her husband is openly cheating on her because he knows she has no one and nowhere to go. He won't pay for a divorce. She's screwed.
> 
> Well, she said she was taking a "girls' weekend" and met up with someone she met online. They each drove 6 hours to meet.
> 
> I don't condone this behaviour and I told her so. But after 2 years of her husband TELLING HER he was going on dates with his gf, I told her I'd just look the other way. Fact is, she did it and it wasn't difficult to do.
> 
> This man could drive 10 hours...and meet up with her for a night out. Who knows.


I feel horrible for logging into her Facebook account on my phone but I just did it. There was one message from a guy on there that I didn't know. All his message said was "Yo" then her name. I couldn't find anything else.


----------



## Almostrecovered

UGADawgs79 said:


> I feel horrible for logging into her Facebook account on my phone but I just did it. There was one message from a guy on there that I didn't know. All his message said was "Yo" then her name. I couldn't find anything else.


because she deleted it likely

another bad sign, she is trying to hide it


----------



## UGADawgs79

Simon Phoenix said:


> Uhhh, nope. If your kids are in school, she has at least a six-hour window to get busy with him, clean herself up, and be ready in more than enough time before they return. Hell, she can be serving dinner by the time you get home with a wide, Cheshire cat smile on her face left from the three-hour rendevzous she had with ole boy. If the kids are too small for that, well, its called naptime. Not too many toddlers I know of have the wherewithal to tell a parent that they heard the bed rocking and some other noises when mom went upstairs to 'help' the cable man. Most kids that age can barely remember anything beyond their last ice cream cone.
> 
> See how that works? Take off the red and black blinders, my man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My 5 year old is only in preschool 3 days a week from 8:45 till 11. She has the other two (1 year old and 3 year old) with her at home. The 1 year old takes a nap during the day.


----------



## Almostrecovered

facebook often has high school info and such, since you have access to her account you can look at his profile, do the details match? (the timing does)


----------



## Almostrecovered

Almostrecovered said:


> facebook often has high school info and such, since you have access to her account you can look at his profile, do the details match? (the timing does)


also gather all the info you can about him in case she decides to block you from her account, check to see if he's married etc. You will need to expose him eventually


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> I don't even know his name or what he looks like. She wouldn't tell me.


She will not defriend him on FB or even tell you his name. This keeps the other man as an option for her. This is unacceptable and you need to tell her so.


----------



## this is bad

If you access her fb account request an archive. It will show all wall post, messages and pictures that have been sent. If she has nothing to hide she will show you. If you want to do it without her knowing you will need to have access to the email account associated with the fb account. you must move the email somewhere as soon as it arrives from fb. I did that and was able to read old messages. 


if you do nothing, you can't say you weren't told/warnedp. if your marriage means a lot you, you better be doing something to protect it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

this is bad said:


> *If you access her fb account request an archive. It will show all wall post, messages and pictures that have been sent. * If she has nothing to hide she will show you. If you want to do it without her knowing you will need to have access to the email account associated with the fb account. you must move the email somewhere as soon as it arrives from fb. I did that and was able to read old messages.
> 
> 
> if you do nothing, you can't say you weren't told/warnedp. if your marriage means a lot you, you better be doing something to protect it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



wow learned something new, had no idea you can do that- what's the process to request it?


----------



## Simon Phoenix

UGADawgs79 said:


> My 5 year old is only in preschool 3 days a week from 8:45 till 11. She has the other two (1 year old and 3 year old) with her at home. The 1 year old takes a nap during the day.


Okay, so she has at least a two-hour window for sure. That is more than enough time if he's in town already. And does she take the kids everywhere she goes when you are off? If the answer to that question is no, well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

UGAD- just know that people find time to cheat when they want to cheat. I thought my wife was sleeping when she cheated (she worked nights).

Now does this mean for certain that your wife has engaged in a PA? Well of course not, but it does mean that since she is showing some red flags right now, it most certainly possible and thus you need to investigate and verify.


----------



## UGADawgs79

I'm not sure if this is the guy but I looked up his profile. Sure enough, he's from Alabama - 10 hours from us. Says he's single and has Bible verses all over his profile. It also has his email address posted so I saved it.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Save his friends names and web links to their pages as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> She immediately brushed it off as nothing but my concern is why not just go ahead and de-friend him?


What is your marriage like? She already thinks you overreact and will embarrass her. Is there more to your marriage that she is uncomfortable with? What's 'in it' for her to delete this guy, i.e. do you Love Bust her (make her unhappy) and do you meet all her top Emotional Needs? 

I'm not defending their contact, but if you want her cooperation, you'd better get in the mindset of understanding what SHE thinks and feels, or else you may find yourself alone.


----------



## Simon Phoenix

Bible verses, huh? The OM my wife was banging works at a Christian college in MN...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's a stay at home mom with our 3 kids.


In my experience, most female cheaters are SAHMs.

Does she do all the housework? What do you do when you get home from work?


----------



## UGADawgs79

He's got over 800 friends - how do I go about doing that?


----------



## Hijo

Almostrecovered said:


> wow learned something new, had no idea you can do that- what's the process to request it?


Log into the account. In the upper right corner, click the little down arrow and go to "Account Settings".

On the account page, at the bottom is a link to download an archive. You may be asked to re-enter the password for the account. Depending upon the amount of data on the account, Facebook may take a while to collect the data and zip it up.

Between the time you request the archive and the time you actually download it, you need to watch the email account associated to the facebook account like a hawk. 

FACEBOOK WILL EMAIL A NOTIFICATION TO THAT EMAIL THAT "YOUR ARCHIVE IS READY FOR DOWNLOAD" WHEN IT COMPLETES THE ZIP FILE. Be ready to kill that email and remove it from trash immediately.

So, before you snag an archive from facebook, make sure you have full, uninterrupted access to the associated email and your WS is not monitoring the email. (Asleep, at work, etc).

Our ISP runs our email system through google. Google (gmail) has this neat thing called filters. I did the following:

set up a filter for all facebook mail to be forwarded to my account and then deleted from my wifes account (this happens as it arrives)
hide the "Trash" folder from her IMAP connections. She doesn't go to the website to read her email, she uses IMAP on the iphone and via outlook. The above deleted messages have a copy in "Trash", but she doesn't see them.
I've turned on maximum email notifications in her facebook setup so every little notification she gets (new comment, post, message, etc) is emailed to her email account (and then forwarded and deleted).

If your spouse is one to go in and mess with her facebook notification settings, this last may be a bit harder for you to do. If she is one that is expecting to get email notifications from facebook, you can do without deletion, just forward em. (no, it will not appear in "sent items" when it is done via a filter rule).

If your spouse is IT saavy, all bets are off. Good luck with that!


----------



## Almostrecovered

UGADawgs79 said:


> He's got over 800 friends - how do I go about doing that?


ha, I bet he either uses some game like Farmville a lot and has lots of "fake friends" to help him with his bonuses or is the type to friend anyone and anybody that's remotely connected to him

you may want to consider screen shots?

if you have a pc- hit the print screen button and open up mspaint, then hit cntrl v and the screen shot will show up, save it and do it until you get a screen shot of all of his friends (you can click his friends list and it will list 25 at a time)


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> What is your marriage like? She already thinks you overreact and will embarrass her. Is there more to your marriage that she is uncomfortable with? What's 'in it' for her to delete this guy, i.e. do you Love Bust her (make her unhappy) and do you meet all her top Emotional Needs?
> 
> I'm not defending their contact, but if you want her cooperation, you'd better get in the mindset of understanding what SHE thinks and feels, or else you may find yourself alone.


Our marriage has been great. We've hit a lot of rough patches with me being laid off twice, but overall very good. We make each other happy (most of the time lol!) and are very good parents to our kids. She has a LOT of friends from college on FB that are guys but never talks to them so I haven't really started worrying about it until now.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Do a scan of the names and choose say twenty of them , preferably those who are his family or look like are married or work with him etc. cut and past their names to a word document as well as the links . Test sending a message but dont actualy send one, this is to confirm you have the correct process. 

This information is only required if you have to do an exposure ,assuming you find more evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

Hijo said:


> Log into the account. In the upper right corner, click the little down arrow and go to "Account Settings".
> 
> On the account page, at the bottom is a link to download an archive. You may be asked to re-enter the password for the account. Depending upon the amount of data on the account, Facebook may take a while to collect the data and zip it up.
> 
> Between the time you request the archive and the time you actually download it, you need to watch the email account associated to the facebook account like a hawk.
> 
> FACEBOOK WILL EMAIL A NOTIFICATION TO THAT EMAIL THAT "YOUR ARCHIVE IS READY FOR DOWNLOAD" WHEN IT COMPLETES THE ZIP FILE. Be ready to kill that email and remove it from trash immediately.
> 
> So, before you snag an archive from facebook, make sure you have full, uninterrupted access to the associated email and your WS is not monitoring the email. (Asleep, at work, etc).
> 
> Our ISP runs our email system through google. Google (gmail) has this neat thing called filters. I did the following:
> 
> set up a filter for all facebook mail to be forwarded to my account and then deleted from my wifes account (this happens as it arrives)
> hide the "Trash" folder from her IMAP connections. She doesn't go to the website to read her email, she uses IMAP on the iphone and via outlook. The above deleted messages have a copy in "Trash", but she doesn't see them.
> I've turned on maximum email notifications in her facebook setup so every little notification she gets (new comment, post, message, etc) is emailed to her email account (and then forwarded and deleted).
> 
> If your spouse is one to go in and mess with her facebook notification settings, this last may be a bit harder for you to do. If she is one that is expecting to get email notifications from facebook, you can do without deletion, just forward em. (no, it will not appear in "sent items" when it is done via a filter rule).
> 
> If your spouse is IT saavy, all bets are off. Good luck with that!


wow you got my heart beating faster because I never thought I could retrieve all of the chats my wife and her OM had, I was able to retrieve a small portion thru fchat. The real question for me is do I want to go back and read all of that? I guess I should.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Whenever she goes out of the house next I will log on to it and see if I can do this. I'm 99% sure she ended whatever he tried to start, but this will confirm it. She is not very IT savvy and regularly has to have me do the most basic things for her (print, set up programs, etc) so I'm confident she will have no idea this is being done.


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> Our marriage has been great.


Great. Then she won't mind filling out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com. Get them from her and learn what your marriage is REALLY like. Proceed from there.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> In my experience, most female cheaters are SAHMs.
> 
> Does she do all the housework? What do you do when you get home from work?


She does the usual division of labor you would find in almost any American household (dishes, laundry) and I do the yardwork, finances, any repairs needed, etc. When I get home from work we usually go outside with the kids or go somewhere as a family to dinner. On Tuesdays and Thursdays she leaves as soon as I get home so she can go to her classes from 5:30 to 9.


----------



## this is bad

After I requested an archive, I monitored W account frequently. Once it came in I forwarded the email and deleted it. Then go to trash or deleted and remove it from there.

Once forwarded you can take your time unzipping it.


----------



## this is bad

Also, if she is using an Android phone, you can have all text forwarded to a gmail account. There is a free android app that allows this its call SMS Backup +. It works flawlessly. (it's how I was able to catch all the good stuff) You will be able to see Call Logs and texts. Also any pictures that are texted.

Set up is easy. You will need the gmail account of the phone and password. Go through the settings, select backup sms, backup mms and backup call log. Crash error reporting - disabled. Regular schedule - 30 min. Incoming schedule - 1 min. Once everything is setup hit Backup. Then watch the magic happen.

As soon as texts are sent and recieved, they usually go to the email account.

For additional safety, forward everything to get to another email account. I have 3 accounts with all the juicy details, then make sure you print it in case anything happens to those accounts. Make sure you forward each text individually. If you try to forward the whole thing you can get and error and she will find out..

I wish I had this installed on my W phone months earlier. I would have been able to stop the EA from happening.....

But live and learn....


----------



## DSSM9500

turnera said:


> In my experience, most female cheaters are SAHMs.
> 
> Does she do all the housework? What do you do when you get home from work?


:iagree:

My DS stayed at home and had a lot of spare time for FB where she connected with OM. So nice that I worked to support her and the family while she chatted all day and got into an EA while the housework took a backseat.


----------



## turnera

She doesn't have dinner ready for you? Why not?


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> She does the usual division of labor you would find in almost any American household (dishes, laundry) and I do the yardwork, finances, any repairs needed, etc. When I get home from work we usually go outside with the kids or go somewhere as a family to dinner. On Tuesdays and Thursdays she leaves as soon as I get home so she can go to her classes from 5:30 to 9.


I was curious whether you are doing any of the 'female' jobs instead of her (don't throw stuff, guys; I have a point). She does your laundry? Cleans the bathrooms? Vacuums? Do you do any of that? Has any of that changed in the last year or so?


----------



## alphaomega

UGADawgs79 said:


> He is 10 hours away from us so I feel less threatened that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


My wifes EA was a 4 hour plane ride. Guess what. He decided to come to town for a vacation. 

I started to question the night time milk runs that took 2 hours. Which is how I found out (the second time).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> A few months ago, my wife told me that some guy she knew from college (she graduated in 2004) sent her a message on Facebook asking her to come down to visit him for the weekend (10 hours away) and not to tell me about it. She held off telling me about it for a month afraid I would get mad. She told me she stopped it right there and didn't even respond to the message. She told her mom before she told me! He sent her another message recently and she swears she didn't respond. I have asked her to remove him as a friend on Facebook as it is inappropriate, but she said it was no big deal because she never talked to them. I don't have my ex-fiance on my Facebook and have refused to add her because of that very reason. Should I trust her that this never progressed any further or should I think about installing a keystroke logger on her PC?


It is a big deal. By not unfriending him she sensd the message that what he is saying is ok. That maybe if he keeps trying they can hookup. She likes the attention.

On top of this she can block him on her facebook.

Just tell her this is unacceptable and want her to unfriend him AND block him.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I asked her why she wouldn't tell me anymore about it and she said she didn't want me causing trouble and emailing him. Well, if he messes with my marriage he's *asking for it!*


Causing trouble!?

Hmmm . He contacted her for some extramarital fun and not to tell you about it ... of course and you are the one starting trouble?

I would say I am not starting trouble, but am insisting there will will be no trouble accepted.

Her attitude there is not good.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> He is 10 hours away from us so I feel less threatened that anything is going to happen other than emails. I'll be installing the key logger very soon.


Yes, but I don;t know how many threads I have seen that folks were many hours away and still there is an EA/PA.

Have they been initmate before?


----------



## that_girl

Simple enough to just start showing more interest in your wife. Text her little texts throughout the day. When you get home, take the kids for 30 minutes so she can unwind. Yes, staying home with kids is DRAINING. I do it every summer and holy.crap. I can't wait to be relieved from my post LOL.

My husband and I have the same set up regarding chores, but man, when he rolls up his sleeves to do the dishes or sort the laundry, my mind starts racing about all the dirty things i want to do to him.

Your wife is accepting these messages from a man because he's taking interest. Don't just sit there and wonder "wtf is happening"....step up and show more interest. I bet you'll be pleased with the results.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's a stay at home mom with our 3 kids. Wouldn't it be much more difficult for her to do something out of the ordinary without me noticing?
> 
> I just got on my phone and logged into her Facebook account. There's a message from August from some guy I don't know. All it said was "Yo" and then her name.


SAHM are a huge target. They get BORED. They spend time on facebook and other socail sites. They fall into EAs. To guys lloking to hookup they are ... prey.

He has already asked her to not tell you. Guys on the make, first befriend the wives. Then they isolate thier hubbys.

Instigate
Isolate
Escalate


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I feel horrible for logging into her Facebook account on my phone but I just did it. There was one message from a guy on there that I didn't know. All his message said was "Yo" then her name. I couldn't find anything else.


Do not feel guilty. It is your responsibility to protect your marriage. Transparency rules the day.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> My 5 year old is only in preschool 3 days a week from 8:45 till 11. She has the other two (1 year old and 3 year old) with her at home. The 1 year old takes a nap during the day.


Where there is a will there is a way. At this point what you are fearing is the escalation of an EA. It is amazing how many threads feature a wife that has two or three very young children yet has an ongoing EA/PA. Sometimes they can talk their hubby into watching the kids once of twice a week for evenings out. Nothing wrong with marriage friendly GNOs. Just sayin if all of a sudden behavior changes ... keep an eye on it.


----------



## Entropy3000

TRy said:


> She will not defriend him on FB or even tell you his name. This keeps the other man as an option for her. This is unacceptable and you need to tell her so.


They may have hookled up in college. So this could be an ex lover.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> She does the usual division of labor you would find in almost any American household (dishes, laundry) and I do the yardwork, finances, any repairs needed, etc. When I get home from work we usually go outside with the kids or go somewhere as a family to dinner. On Tuesdays and Thursdays she leaves as soon as I get home so *she can go to her classes from 5:30 to 9.*


B I N G O.

Opportunity. If he comes to town she can blow off an evenings worth of classes if she wants. I am not saying she has, would or will. But she has that option.

also go to Married Man Sex Life.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes, but I don;t know how many threads I have seen that folks were many hours away and still there is an EA/PA.
> 
> Have they been initmate before?


I have no clue if they have been or not. I don't know anything about this guy. I guess I will have to dig deeper and find out.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> I was curious whether you are doing any of the 'female' jobs instead of her (don't throw stuff, guys; I have a point). She does your laundry? Cleans the bathrooms? Vacuums? Do you do any of that? Has any of that changed in the last year or so?


Of course. I do help out a lot and I do take the kids out for a while so that she can unwind.


----------



## LonelyNLost

Just some advice, coming from someone who has been there. The fact that she won't delete him is a huge red flag. Don't let the distance fool you. My stbx and I live in Florida, his high school sweetheart lived in Las Vegas, and they were able to rekindle their love affair through facebook and late night phone calls after I was in bed. It's been 10 months since I caught him on the phone with her at 2am, and he refused to delete her as, "She lives all the way across the country, I have no interest for her like that, we are just friends, she is married, I love you, you can't tell me who to be friends with" and all the other garbage came tumbling from his mouth. As of today, he has been living with her for 6 weeks (moved her across the country with her son) and still refuses to admit that he was involved in an affair with her. 

What does your gut tell you? Follow that. I wish I had put a keylogger on in the beginning, but we had trust issues due to a prior affair which he used to make me think I was just being paranoid. An EA/PA can easily happen in the blink of an eye. 10 hours is not that far. Put your foot down and then trust but verify.


----------



## this is bad

You keep on delaying and not stopping this right away is going to lead you to one place...... joining the rest of us that have been betrayed. In my case nothing changed. She was the same throughout, we played often, had dates w/o the kids, went on mini vacations. By the time I caught on to the text and fb mags, it was too late. 

You have the perfect opportunity to stop this. Do what you want, but everyone here is giving you.. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

LonelyNLost said:


> What does your gut tell you? Follow that. I wish I had put a keylogger on in the beginning, but we had trust issues due to a prior affair which he used to make me think I was just being paranoid. An EA/PA can easily happen in the blink of an eye. 10 hours is not that far. Put your foot down and then trust but verify.


I tried to put Desktop Shark on her laptop last night while she was out shopping with her mom, but it kept giving me errors. Any recommendations for a free or cheap program? I'm smart enough with PC's to hide any proof I got on her laptop.


----------



## this is bad

I think I found mine in CNET dot com. its super free logger. may not be the best but it captures what is typed along with screen shots. at time if any errors come up it will turn off. you have to monitor it and make sure its running. 

may not be the best but it catches everything. try it out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aeg512

You do have a couple of options with this. You said she told her Mom before telling you. Ask your MIL if she knows the name of the guy? Also, why not just sit down over the dinner table when the kids are asleep and tell her how much this is bothering you, that a good marriage does not have secrets and you want to know the name. Also, when you asked to to defriend him she didn't and that leaves the lines of communication open "for what"? Just keep telling her a good marriage has no secrets. If she does not tell you, ask point blank what is wrong with the marriage.


----------



## UGADawgs79

I could do that, but my wife and her mom are very close. I'm pretty sure she would tell her I asked about him. I don't want to make this something it may not be. My wife is saying she didn't respond to his FB mesages. Until I can get her archive, I will have to take her word for it. She's told me there's no need to de-friend him because she doesn't think it ever got to that point. I disagree though.


----------



## sigma1299

UGA - I get the feeling that part of you is thinking - not my wife - what these people say couldn't happen to her and to me, but that part of you is saying - well maybe I better check anyway just to be sure. 

This is wildfire man - if you wait until you see the flames it's too late. Take it from those of us who have been there - on both sides - that dealing with this is the most important thing you have to do until it's resolved. 

We all come here hoping to encounter someone like you and Scott1973 that are still early in and can stop it before it's a catastrophe - so we can save someone the scars we all have. That's why we are all so empathic and blunt in our post. It's like watching a horror movie and screaming at the characters to run because you know the ending, but those poor people in the movie walk right into the hands of the monster every time you watch the movie - no matter how hard you scream at the TV.

Could your wife be the exception - could we all be wrong - sure. But ALL of us thought we were the exception to.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> UGA - I get the feeling that part of you is thinking - not my wife - what these people say couldn't happen to her and to me, but that part of you is saying - well maybe I better check anyway just to be sure.
> 
> This is wildfire man - if you wait until you see the flames it's too late. Take it from those of us who have been there - on both sides - that dealing with this is the most important thing you have to do until it's resolved.
> 
> We all come here hoping to encounter someone like you and Scott1973 that are still early in and can stop it before it's a catastrophe - so we can save someone the scars we all have. That's why we are all so empathic and blunt in our post. It's like watching a horror movie and screaming at the characters to run because you know the ending, but those poor people in the movie walk right into the hands of the monster every time you watch the movie - no matter how hard you scream at the TV.
> 
> Could your wife be the exception - could we all be wrong - sure. But ALL of us thought we were the exception to.


I appreciate all of the advice and believe me I am the type that isn't going to sit back and let my marriage unravel. She did come to me (provided it was a month later) and told me that she wanted to make sure I understood what happened and that she would never follow through with his request. She's given me no reason to ever doubt her in the past 8 years so I just want to be really careful before I assume anything. I guess the key logger and FB archives will help me to determine whether or not she is really telling me the truth about it.


----------



## this is bad

Try to have an app that captures text. just in case it moves on from fb. I thought my wife of 18yrs could never do that. here I am with the rest of us. 

as it has been said. trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

this is bad said:


> Try to have an app that captures text. just in case it moves on from fb. I thought my wife of 18yrs could never do that. here I am with the rest of us.
> 
> as it has been said. trust but verify.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Will do. We both have the same cell phone but it is not capable of adding any apps to it. I can, however, check her text messages when she's not around. The hard part is she always has her phone with her so trying to do this will be tricky.


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> I appreciate all of the advice and believe me I am the type that isn't going to sit back and let my marriage unravel. She did come to me (provided it was a month later) and told me that she wanted to make sure I understood what happened and that she would never follow through with his request. She's given me no reason to ever doubt her in the past 8 years so I just want to be really careful before I assume anything. I guess the key logger and FB archives will help me to determine whether or not she is really telling me the truth about it.


Your response shows that you still do not fully get what is happening. When people cheat they never give you any "reason to ever doubt" them. They always have reassuring answers for why they will not do something that you both know that they should be doing.

Your wife's actions do not make sense for someone that is innocent. There is no reason to not tell you the name. None whatsoever. The guy asked to have sex with her. You have a right to know his name. Not only should she have defriended him on her FB account when you asked, she should have done it on her own. In fact she should have shown you the actual messages and you should have been angry that she did not. 

By not disclosing the name and by not showing you the actual messages, she is already establishing that she is hiding things from you. Do you really think that he would ask her out of the blue to sneak off and vacation with him as a first post? Of course not. There where other messages between them before that that she does not want you to know about. There is also a good chance that she is in an EA with the guy already, which is why she will not tell you his name. Even though he has told her that he wants to up it to a PA, and even if she is not ready for a PA with him just yet, she does not want to end the EA, which is why she will not tell you his name or defriend him. You are in big trouble already and you clearly do not understand that fact.


----------



## Grayson

UGADawgs79 said:


> Will do. We both have the same cell phone but it is not capable of adding any apps to it. I can, however, check her text messages when she's not around. The hard part is she always has her phone with her so trying to do this will be tricky.


Hmmm...hate to sound paranoid, but that's often a red flag. And, if you'll be checking directly on the phone, she can always delete texts so you can't see them. While it won't necessarily show you the content, check your cell carrier's web site to see if you can view chat history...most at least show you the incoming & outgoing phone numbers for texts. Check for a number with frequent texts coming and going (also possibly phone calls to/from the same number). And, if it's from an area code you don't recognize, just Google it and see if the area code matches up with the area that Mr. "Yo" is from.


----------



## UGADawgs79

TRy said:


> Your response shows that you still do not fully get what is happening. When people cheat they never give you any "reason to ever doubt" them. They always have reassuring answers for why they will not do something that you both know that they should be doing.
> 
> Your wife's actions do not make sense for someone that is innocent. There is no reason to not tell you the name. None whatsoever. The guy asked to have sex with her. You have a right to know his name. Not only should she have defriended him on her FB account when you asked, she should have done it on her own. In fact she should have shown you the actual messages and you should have been angry that she did not.
> 
> By not disclosing the name and by not showing you the actual messages, she is already establishing that she is hiding things from you. You are in big trouble already and you clearly do not understand that fact yet.


I have pulled her cell phone records for the past 6 months and there are no incoming or outgoing numbers that I do not recognize. She's told me about each time he's tried to contact her and make it perfectly clear she has no interest in responding to him.


----------



## better than before

My H could have old me he had been abducted by aliens and that would have been more believable than his EA that started over FB! Most people that know us wouldn't believe it if we told them; there is no profile for who gets wrapped up in these things in my opinion. We were happy and had a great life, but she blew in his ear at the right time and in just the right way. I also think FB makes it easy, especially when distance is involved, to seem like a safe environment. They think that they can control it, and then it consumes them. My H was taking Ambien to sleep because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop. I, like you, didn't want to believe anything could come from request old flame sent him. I was very naive!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

better than before said:


> My H could have old me he had been abducted by aliens and that would have been more believable than his EA that started over FB! Most people that know us wouldn't believe it if we told them; there is no profile for who gets wrapped up in these things in my opinion. We were happy and had a great life, but she blew in his ear at the right time and in just the right way. I also think FB makes it easy, especially when distance is involved, to seem like a safe environment. They think that they can control it, and then it consumes them. My H was taking Ambien to sleep because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop. I, like you, didn't want to believe anything could come from request old flame sent him. I was very naive!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess why I am being so cautious with this is because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. If I'm wrong, and nothing's going on, then things are going to get rough around the house. But, if I am right, it will get rough anyway...


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> I tried to put Desktop Shark on her laptop last night while she was out shopping with her mom, but it kept giving me errors. Any recommendations for a free or cheap program? I'm smart enough with PC's to hide any proof I got on her laptop.


Try Perfect Keylogger.
BlazingTools Perfect Keylogger Lite - Free Download - Tucows Downloads
The lite version at the above link is free.

Various versions at the company website range from $20 to $45.
Keylogger download - free keylogger - "Perfect Keylogger" - invisible Windows 7/Vista/XP key logger. Download the best parental spy software. Stealth key logger for parents, spouses and their kids!

I agree with the other posters that your wife is being very inappropriate with this other man. I know she claims she hasn't done anything wrong, but she is protecting him at the expense of her marriage. She is refusing to unfriend/block him even though that hurts her marriage. That is unacceptable.

The question for you is, what are you willing to do about it? You've asked her and she's answered you that she understands you want her to delete this guy and she's not going to do it. So what now? If you're willing to accept that your wife is going to have some friends who are actively trying to seduce her, then that's your decision. If you are not willing to accept that, then you have to escalate your response.

It's up to you how you do it. Do you expose your wife's actions to her family? To yours? To her friends? To yours? Do you get the lawyers involved? All of the above?

What your wife is doing is called a sh!t test. But it's a huge one. Most sh!t tests are things like asking you to hold her purse. This is a huge test. And you both need for you to pass it. You pass it by calling your wife on her BS and communicating that your marriage is not a threesome.

My suggestion is that you monitor her for a week or two. If you gather hard evidence of wrong doing, then you confront her. But if you don't, you still need to approach her and give her your ultimatum on deleting the other man.

Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> I guess why I am being so cautious with this is because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. If I'm wrong, and nothing's going on, then things are going to get rough around the house. But, if I am right, it will get rough anyway...


Get that attitude out of your head. Your wife told you that someone is actively trying to seduce her. You're excused for letting that throw you. Don't get defensive about that.

Your wife has worsened the situation by siding with the other man against you. You have asked who it is so that you can defend your marriage against him. And she would rather protect him than help you defend your marriage.

So things will be rough. But it's not your fault that they're getting rough. The fault lies with the other man and your wife. Believe that.


----------



## UGADawgs79

PHTlump said:


> Get that attitude out of your head. Your wife told you that someone is actively trying to seduce her. You're excused for letting that throw you. Don't get defensive about that.
> 
> Your wife has worsened the situation by siding with the other man against you. You have asked who it is so that you can defend your marriage against him. And she would rather protect him than help you defend your marriage.
> 
> So things will be rough. But it's not your fault that they're getting rough. The fault lies with the other man and your wife. Believe that.


I gave her the opportunity to delete him off of her page and to tell me who it was. Now, I'm going to try to find out on my own and believe me if I find what I don't want to then there will be hell raised!


----------



## UGADawgs79

Is there a way to set her AOL email up to where every message she gets it forwards a copy to me?


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I could do that, but my wife and her mom are very close. I'm pretty sure she would tell her I asked about him. I don't want to make this something it may not be. My wife is saying she didn't respond to his FB mesages. Until I can get her archive, I will have to take her word for it. She's told me there's no need to de-friend him because she doesn't think it ever got to that point. I disagree though.


Ummmm. It already is what it is. No one is saying she is in an ongoing active EA/PA. It is now some level of being unfaithful. It was inappropriate for her to not unfriend him on her own and to block. It is now unfaithful that she refuses to tell you who he is and to leave communication open with him. She needed to send him a virtual message by not answering him and unfriending him. A no response without unfriending him is just negotiating. She likes the attention. Being faithful to a spouse from my perspective is putting thier spouse, the marriage and their spouses concerns as #1 above other relationships especially with other men who are trying to seduce them.

She should be transparent. She should not hide his identity or the relationship they have had from you. The hiding indicates they were more than casual friends. Not unfriending someone who is trying to seduce you is an IOI, Indicator Of Interest and shows that they were not just casual friends and that there is a desire on her part to keep this communication open for future consideration.

Bad JuJu


----------



## sigma1299

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummmm. It already is what it is. No one is saying she is in an ongoing active EA/PA. It is now some level of being unfaithful. It was inappropriate for her to not unfriend him on her own and to block. It is now unfaithful that she refuses to tell you who he is and to leave communication open with him. She needed to send him a virtual message by not answering him and unfriending him. A no response without unfriending him is just negotiating. She likes the attention. Being faithful to a spoiuse from my perspective is putting thier spouse, the marriage and their spouse concerns as #1 above relationships especially with other men who are trying to seduce them.
> 
> She should be transparent. She should not hide his identity or the relationship they have had from you. The hiding indicates they were more than casual friends. Not unfriending someone who is trying to seduce you is an IOI, Indicator Of Interest and shows that they were not just casual friends and that there is a desire on her part to keep this communication open for future consideration.
> 
> Bad JuJu


AMEN :iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I gave her the opportunity to delete him off of her page and to tell me who it was. Now, I'm going to try to find out on my own and believe me if I find what I don't want to then there will be hell raised!


Yes, do this. But even if you do not find anything she should unfriend him. You are being disrespected, PLUS, you may not know what her alternate email account is. Not saying she has one. But she could.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I guess why I am being so cautious with this is because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. If I'm wrong, and nothing's going on, then things are going to get rough around the house. But, if I am right, it will get rough anyway...


This is the wrong thinking entirely. You are not wrong about what you have witnessed. She has inappropriate contact right now, no matter whether there is anything else or not. You are trying to prevent this inappropriate situation from continuing down this road.

We don't wait until our spouses have consummated their affairs before we act. That is really too late. Who wants that? There is a first time for everything. If you do not catch this stuff early it escalates very quickly. 

Whether things get deeper or there is a second and third time depends on what you do now.

What you are dealing with are boundary and respect issues at the least.

So follow your plan to investigate. BUT, also get His Needs Her Needs and do this together as a couple. In addition to meeting each other needs ( you have to know what they are BTW and their priority ), you need to do the boundary setting. You discuss, define and agree to your boundaries, especailly with memebers of the opposite sex. This is not a time to be meek. You will also agree on transparency. It is bets to set boundaries that are not indicators of failure but are set to prevent things going that far.

Also check out www.marriedmansexlife.com


----------



## Grayson

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes, do this. But even if you do not find anything she should unfriend him. You are being disrespected, PLUS, you may not know what her alternate email account is. Not saying she has one. But she could.


Indeed. Over the course of time, my wife had several alternate email accounts. Some she was open about, others not so much. With so many options for free email accouts these days, it's easy to set up an extra account to carry on conversations under the proverbial radar. And since the big free email providers generally also have some sort of IM service as well, it's even easier to communicate real-time AND leave little or no trace. Factor in that those IM functions can be made available on many phones - smart phone or not - and there are all sorts of opportunites to talk behind your back. Believe me...I've been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000

better than before said:


> My H could have old me he had been abducted by aliens and that would have been more believable than his EA that started over FB! Most people that know us wouldn't believe it if we told them; there is no profile for who gets wrapped up in these things in my opinion. We were happy and had a great life, but she blew in his ear at the right time and in just the right way. I also think FB makes it easy, especially when distance is involved, to seem like a safe environment. They think that they can control it, and then it consumes them. My H was taking Ambien to sleep because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop. I, like you, didn't want to believe anything could come from request old flame sent him. I was very naive!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An EA is an addiction to dopamine / oxytocin. I have been there. Yes facebook provides incredible access and a false sense of security. We as a culture have not adpated to FB, cell phones, texting and the internet in general. EAs most often start out as innocent friendships. However they often become inappropriate whcih turns into being unfaithful whcih can then lead to full blown cheating. This is all too common.

Then there are people who prey on others via this tool. You do not have to have a bad marriage for this to become a problem. However, every marriage has challenges from time to time. FB takes away any delay. Ten seconds after an argument one can be forming inappropriate relationships that will be hard to stop after one calms down.


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have pulled her cell phone records for the past 6 months and there are no incoming or outgoing numbers that I do not recognize. She's told me about each time he's tried to contact her and make it perfectly clear she has no interest in responding to him.


:slap:

Ok I apologize for the rude comment but ....

Remember in "Internal Affairs", yeah I know just a movie, but when this guys wife was riding on top of Gere with her hubby on the phone and the hubby was expressing how much he loved her, she told him she loved him too as she was getting off. So yeah a movie but we have seen situations where a wife will check in with a husband in the evening telling them that they love them and would never do anything to hurt thier marriage and then right afterwards be banging another man. 

My point is that relying on someone who is not being entirely fiathful to you to let you know as things escalate is playing just the tip. Why would you be willing to do this? Sorry for the mind movies but we are trying to get you to stop this stuff before it becomes a problem.

Please understand that EAs are chemical based. Dopamine and oxytocin. So the usual rules od not apply.


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> Of course. I do help out a lot and I do take the kids out for a while so that she can unwind.


You need to stop doing the chores. 

Women who are SAHMs whose husbands come home and do the chores SHE is supposed to do during the day start losing respect for their man. 

Then they start looking around, looking for a 'real' man who takes what he wants, not some doormat who is so whipped that he works all day and then comes home and does HER work.

Trust me. You're in the 95% range for a woman looking for an affair. You are pscyhologically setting her up to replace you.

An occasional help with the dishes is fine, if she's overrun with tasks. But there is NO REASON you should be doing chores after working all day, if she is a SAHM. Chores is HER JOB.


----------



## turnera

As for the OM, sit her down and say 'I cannot get past this. You are setting off all kinds of alarms in my head and unless you are willing to delete him and show me you deleted him, I will have no choice but to do what I have to do to save this marriage from a predator. If you don't show me that you have deleted him, I will find out who he is and contact him myself. Here's your chance to stop me from doing that.' And slide the computer over to her right then, right there. Do not leave until she does it, or until she knows that you will now start researching.

She wants a real man (note I'm not saying an explosive, in your face man) who will protect her and fight for her. She NEEDS to see you doing this for the marriage. Plus it will flatter her that you're caring this much.

Unless she's already cheating. If she is, at that point, she will throw out every roadblock she can think of: 
You don't trust me!
How could you!
You're humiliating me!
I would never do this to YOU!
Maybe we need to just split up then.

etc.


----------



## Entropy3000

turnera said:


> As for the OM, sit her down and say 'I cannot get past this. You are setting off all kinds of alarms in my head and unless you are willing to delete him and show me you deleted him, I will have no choice but to do what I have to do to save this marriage from a predator. If you don't show me that you have deleted him, I will find out who he is and contact him myself. Here's your chance to stop me from doing that.' And slide the computer over to her right then, right there. Do not leave until she does it, or until she knows that you will now start researching.
> 
> She wants a real man (note I'm not saying an explosive, in your face man) who will protect her and fight for her. She NEEDS to see you doing this for the marriage. Plus it will flatter her that you're caring this much.
> 
> Unless she's already cheating. If she is, at that point, she will throw out every roadblock she can think of:
> You don't trust me!
> How could you!
> You're humiliating me!
> I would never do this to YOU!
> Maybe we need to just split up then.
> 
> etc.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## TRy

PHTlump said:


> I know she claims she hasn't done anything wrong, but she is protecting him at the expense of her marriage. She is refusing to unfriend/block him even though that hurts her marriage. That is unacceptable.





PHTlump said:


> Your wife has worsened the situation by siding with the other man against you. You have asked who it is so that you can defend your marriage against him. And she would rather protect him than help you defend your marriage





Entropy3000 said:


> It is now some level of being unfaithful. It was inappropriate for her to not unfriend him on her own and to block. It is now unfaithful that she refuses to tell you who he is and to leave communication open with him.





Entropy3000 said:


> She has inappropriate contact right now, no matter whether there is anything else or not. You are trying to prevent this inappropriate situation from continuing down this road.


Do you catch the common theme of the comments? Rarely do these boards have such a shared agreement of thought on any issue. She needs to tell you the name and unfriend him right now. If she refuses there must be serious consequences. You must be strong while you are strong and before the other man gets a better foothold.


----------



## UGADawgs79

TRy said:


> Do you catch the common theme of the comments? Rarely do these boards have such a shared agreement of thought on any issue. She needs to tell you the name and unfriend him right now. If she refuses there must be serious consequences. You must be strong while you are strong and before the other man gets a better foothold.


Yes, and I am going to confront her again tonight. She'll be gone to class until 9 tonight so I will be installing a key logger on her PC.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Maybe I should threaten to add my ex to Facebook and strike up some conversations?


----------



## turnera

Are you on your wife's friends list? Why not?


----------



## Entropy3000

turnera said:


> Are you on your wife's friends list? Why not?


OMG. Great question!!!


----------



## Entropy3000

UGADawgs79 said:


> Maybe I should threaten to add my ex to Facebook and strike up some conversations?


I suppose if you want to play tit for tat. I would probably not go down that road.


----------



## turnera

What good would that do you? Take the high road. Exude honor and morals.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Tit for tat won't help you here. It's childish.


----------



## the guy

Adding your ex to FB is just putting fuel to the fire. Even if it just a threat.
Your wife will twist this around and making even more exceptable behavior b/c you are acting the same way.

Granted it is worth bringing up as an example of "if the shoe was on the other foot" getting a response from her would be interesting and with that the converastion my be more productive once she can relate to the possiblity of you having an ex on your friends list and how she would feel.


----------



## Chaparral

UGADawgs79 said:


> I guess why I am being so cautious with this is because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. If I'm wrong, and nothing's going on, then things are going to get rough around the house. But, if I am right, it will get rough anyway...


Too late, things are already rough. You don't even know who she's talking to. He wants to keep it a secret. Took a month to let you know. You don't know how much has been deleted. 
You only have information that is being fed to you. 

Nothing may be going on but red flags are following same old cheaters script so far.


----------



## turnera

If I had to guess, IN THAT MONTH, she flirted back to see what she would get out of being with him. She decided he wasn't good enough to throw you away for.

But who's going to show up next?

If you don't go Alpha right now, you're just her convenience.


----------



## F-102

turnera said:


> If I had to guess, IN THAT MONTH, she flirted back to see what she would get out of being with him. She decided he wasn't good enough to throw you away for.
> 
> But who's going to show up next?
> 
> If you don't go Alpha right now, you're just her convenience.


Agreed-she probably already has the toxic idea in her head that there is indeed the possibility of a life beyond you, and maybe, just maybe, she can do better than you.


----------



## lordmayhem

UGADawgs79 said:


> Maybe I should threaten to add my ex to Facebook and strike up some conversations?


All that will do is help her justify in her actions. Because if you do, it will just signal her that its okay now since you're doing it too, never mind that she was doing it first.


----------



## that_girl

Spill water on the computer. Oops, mah bad


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Are you on your wife's friends list? Why not?


Yes, I am on her friends list and she is on mine. I also have her password to FB. I set a key logger on her laptop over the weekend. I also made her delete the guy off of her FB page. She said she had hidden him months ago but just "forgot" to delete him. I told her it was inappropriate and unacceptable for her to keep him on her page.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> Yes, I am on her friends list and she is on mine. I also have her password to FB. I set a key logger on her laptop over the weekend. I also made her delete the guy off of her FB page. She said she had hidden him months ago but just "forgot" to delete him. I told her it was inappropriate and unacceptable for her to keep him on her page.


This is a solid message to your wife , continue to monitor her. If she breaches that trust have a plan as to what your actions will be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

She still refused to give me his name. Any way to go into FB to see most recently deleted friends?


----------



## UGADawgs79

I also just went into her FB account and looked at her friends list and the guy I saw in there last week with a message to her was gone. I'm pretty sure this is the guy.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Were you able to record a full list of her friends prior to her deleting him ?

If he is the only one deleted you can assume two things ; she is throwing a red herring to keep you away from real OM or she has deleted him . I suggest you track the friend she deleted down, get onto his page and see if you can find his wife . 

Once done contact his wife and let her know your concerns of an affair that is either being covered up or gone underground . Unless you have hard copies of her mails or chats you cannot accuse him of having an affair with you wife however by choosing the correct words you can give her enough information to conduct her own investigation . If he finds out and reacts to you state the obvious , you asked your wife to delete the man she was engaging inappropriate conversation with and she deleted him , if your wife finds out smile.

What concerns me is your wife is protecting this guy, this unfortunately is what is often agreed to between waywards and they then lay low until the coast is clear. I have heard the comment "I will take the name to my grave " inevitably they persue another affair or restart the old one.

As your wife is covering up for him set some very firm boundaries , if she breaches then act decisively . Do not let her know you know he may have been deleted. Book her into IC and join in the first session . If she asks why she must go tell her the truth , she conducts an inappropriate relationship , declines to name him and she covers for him . My suggestion is she is in IC as for as long as it takes for her to understand why she cannot tell the truth . 

Your holding out for the name is critical and will influence her future behaviours . If she threatens you mention you are working to protect your marriage , she can either give you the name or you will contact all her Facebook friends and families and activly work to find the OM . If she gives you a name thank her and let her know you will be contacting his wife , if he is single you will contact his parents and siblings . Don't be fooled onto tracking male friends only, often a womans name is used as cover .




_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadcalifornian

Give her ultimatum. Give up the identity of OM or D. This is unaceptable. If you do not know who OM is, how in the world can you guard your M against him in the future? He can sit next to you innocently at the next social occasion without you knowing he is the one.

This is a breach of trust serious enough to consider D all in itself.


----------



## janrobinson

Wow, you would really consider installing something on your computer to spy? You really want your marraige to be like that? You should trust your wife until you find out otherwise. What goes around comes around, and if she chooses to do something with her ex that is a choice she made and she will pay the price for it, like looseing you. 
I believe you should believe in yourself a little more and should consider looking in the mirror to see the problem. You are insecure and that can lead you to huge problems in your marriage and it can ulitmatly lead your wife running to her ex because no one wants to be spied on and things like that. If I found out my husband did something like that I would be fearful he would install cameras on me and vehicle locator on my car and everything else. That is creepy and no none wants to feel like they are watched at all times. 
I mean no disrespect, that is just my advice. 





UGADawgs79 said:


> A few months ago, my wife told me that some guy she knew from college (she graduated in 2004) sent her a message on Facebook asking her to come down to visit him for the weekend (10 hours away) and not to tell me about it. She held off telling me about it for a month afraid I would get mad. She told me she stopped it right there and didn't even respond to the message. She told her mom before she told me! He sent her another message recently and she swears she didn't respond. I have asked her to remove him as a friend on Facebook as it is inappropriate, but she said it was no big deal because she never talked to them. I don't have my ex-fiance on my Facebook and have refused to add her because of that very reason. Should I trust her that this never progressed any further or should I think about installing a keystroke logger on her PC?


----------



## Almostrecovered

janrobinson said:


> Wow, you would really consider installing something on your computer to spy? You really want your marraige to be like that? You should trust your wife until you find out otherwise. What goes around comes around, and if she chooses to do something with her ex that is a choice she made and she will pay the price for it, like looseing you.
> I believe you should believe in yourself a little more and should consider looking in the mirror to see the problem. You are insecure and that can lead you to huge problems in your marriage and it can ulitmatly lead your wife running to her ex because no one wants to be spied on and things like that. If I found out my husband did something like that I would be fearful he would install cameras on me and vehicle locator on my car and everything else. That is creepy and no none wants to feel like they are watched at all times.
> I mean no disrespect, that is just my advice.


wow, you are so very wrong here imo that I don't even know where to start...


----------



## Almostrecovered

jan-

he's not just snooping out of the blue because he has no trust for his wife and is controlling or anything like that-

let's look at the facts-

1) his wife told him she was contacted in an inappropriate matter. Had it just ended here and she told him right away then you would have an argument, but let's look at what else transpired...

2) She hid that fact for months and deleted/hid the messages.
3) She refused at first to delete him and reluctantly did as such when pressed.
4) She still refuses to tell him his name

Note most of us aren't saying that she definitely cheated, we are saying to verify it as there are some red flags and that she is definitely stepping outside the boundaries of proper behavior for a marriage by not being open.


----------



## sigma1299

UGA - I'm with sadcalifornian on this. While I can't honestly say that I would divorce someone if they refused to give me the name of their Ex they were communicating with on FB, it would be a wedge in any relationship I had until they did. I wouldn't divorce, but I couldn't live with it either. It's a choice she has - you or FB dude and currently you've lost - and that's what I couldn't live with. I can't fathom why she won't give you that guys name other than that she is or is planning to at some point continue on with him - what other reason is there? Do you have any history that would give her reason to believe you would fly off the handle at this guy as she has suggested? 

Were it me this would not even start to move towards reconciliation until I had that name - I just couldn't do it.


----------



## turnera

janrobinson said:


> I mean no disrespect, that is just my advice.


No disrespect here, either, but what you wrote sounds like it came from a cheater. Or at least a person who has never knowingly been cheated ON.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> UGA - I'm with sadcalifornian on this. While I can't honestly say that I would divorce someone if they refused to give me the name of their Ex they were communicating with on FB, it would be a wedge in any relationship I had until they did. I wouldn't divorce, but I couldn't live with it either. It's a choice she has - you or FB dude and currently you've lost - and that's what I couldn't live with. I can't fathom why she won't give you that guys name other than that she is or is planning to at some point continue on with him - what other reason is there? Do you have any history that would give her reason to believe you would fly off the handle at this guy as she has suggested?
> 
> Were it me this would not even start to move towards reconciliation until I had that name - I just couldn't do it.


I have his name now. I watched her delete him from her FB account. Now I have his FB info and even found his resume on line.


----------



## Jellybeans

Good!


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have his name now. I watched her delete him from her FB account. Now I have his FB info and even found his resume on line.


Awesome!! Now it's trust but verify - inspect what you expect. Never ever feel guilty for checking - to some degree it should be part of every marriage IMO. 

Now the two of you need to start addressing why she let it go on - what she is missing that stopped her from closing that door as soon as it was opened. There is real opportunity for growth and improvement in your marriage here if you can both communicate honestly and openly about it.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> Awesome!! Now it's trust but verify - inspect what you expect. Never ever feel guilty for checking - to some degree it should be part of every marriage IMO.
> 
> Now the two of you need to start addressing why she let it go on - what she is missing that stopped her from closing that door as soon as it was opened. There is real opportunity for growth and improvement in your marriage here if you can both communicate honestly and openly about it.


After about 5 minutes of searching on Google, I found his full name, address, age, and phone #. Now I can search for that number in our phone bills.


----------



## Almostrecovered

is he local? if not then search for his area code as well


----------



## Saffron

Almostrecovered said:


> jan-
> 
> he's not just snooping out of the blue because he has no trust for his wife and is controlling or anything like that-
> 
> let's look at the facts-
> 
> 1) his wife told him she was contacted in an inappropriate matter. Had it just ended here and she told him right away then you would have an argument, but let's look at what else transpired...
> 
> 2) She hid that fact for months and deleted/hid the messages.
> 3) She refused at first to delete him and reluctantly did as such when pressed.
> 4) She still refuses to tell him his name
> 
> Note most of us aren't saying that she definitely cheated, we are saying to verify it as there are some red flags and that she is definitely stepping outside the boundaries of proper behavior for a marriage by not being open.


Agreed. Trust has been broken, so there is no blind trust anymore. She lied and was purposefully deceitful, that's enough to break trust, regardless of whether or not she had an affair. UGADawg has a valid reason for checking on his wife's behavior to verifty honesty at this point. It will let him know if she's sincere and/or remorseful. But because she refuses to name the OM, it's highly unlikey she's either.

If there are redflags and suspicious behavior by a spouse (or a gut feeling that something is off), then it's either blind or naive _not_ to investigate. We all trusted our spouses pre-affairs, but how were we supposed to "know otherwise" until we snooped? One could wait until the AP's spouse comes to your door to give hard evidence. From experience, it's a traumatic way to discover infidelity, but I guess there's never a good way.

If a spouse puts on keylogger, snoops, or feels the need to "spy", the first question asked by the one being watched should be "why?". It's not insecurity, it's behavior and actions making their spouse question trustworthiness. It would mean something is wrong in the marriage; could be communication, intimacy, and/or an emotional connection.

I believe many of us entered marriage trusting blindly 100%, convinced our partner would never cheat. Why would we marry them if we thought they were capable? So every person in a realtionship should know. . . it can happen to you. I used to swear up and down my H would never and could never be capable of cheating. But he did.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> is he local? if not then search for his area code as well


I have the full phone number written down. He is 10 hours away from us exactly where she told me he was. I am gathering any info I can on this guy and so far I can't tell if he has a W or not.


----------



## Almostrecovered

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have the full phone number written down. He is 10 hours away from us exactly where she told me he was. I am gathering any info I can on this guy and so far I can't tell if he has a W or not.



may be worth the $ to do a subscription to spokeo if hes listed on there


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have the full phone number written down. He is 10 hours away from us exactly where she told me he was. I am gathering any info I can on this guy and so far I can't tell if he has a W or not.



Dig , dig and dig some more . If he has no wife find his parents and siblings. Something is very wrong with your wife's behaviour , she has the opportunity to throw him under the bus , gain your trust that she is being honest yet she declines to name him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Will she still not tell you his name?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> Will she still not tell you his name?


No. It took me logging into her FB page to see her messages to figure out who it was. I told her this weekend I deserved to know who it was and she still wouldn't tell me. She brushed it off as "I forgot that I had him blocked and not deleted."


----------



## Jellybeans

What is her reason for not telling you? Tell her straight up you want to know.

My exH still will not tell me the OW's name, even now after having divorced. He claims he can't remember. It's infuritating.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> What is her reason for not telling you? Tell her straight up you want to know.
> 
> My exH still will not tell me the OW's name, even now after having divorced. He claims he can't remember. It's infuritating.


She's afraid that I will try to contact him. She really insists nothing happened and that she didn't respond. Exactly why I installed the keylogger. If nothing happened (or is still happening) then I won't find anything.


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> After about 5 minutes of searching on Google, I found his full name, address, age, and phone #. Now I can search for that number in our phone bills.


Don't ignore sigma's other advice - now it is time to take a hard, honest look at your marriage and find out WHY she would be susceptible to him in the first place.

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Both of you should read it together, one chapter every night.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Don't ignore sigma's other advice - now it is time to take a hard, honest look at your marriage and find out WHY she would be susceptible to him in the first place.
> 
> Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Both of you should read it together, one chapter every night.


I haven't, but I will get it for us to read.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have his name now. I watched her delete him from her FB account. Now I have his FB info and even found his resume on line.





Jellybeans said:


> Will she still not tell you his name?





UGADawgs79 said:


> No. It took me logging into her FB page to see her messages to figure out who it was. I told her this weekend I deserved to know who it was and she still wouldn't tell me. She brushed it off as "I forgot that I had him blocked and not deleted."


I'm confused...


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> I'm confused...


Sorry, I'll clear it up for you...She never told me his name. After my initial post, I logged into her FB account on my phone and scrolled through her messages. I came across one from a man who wrote a quick "hello" to her. I wrote his name down and looked at his FB page. Over the weekend, I asked her again to tell me who it was and she refused. I told her to delete him now or lose me. She pulled up FB on her phone and turned the phone away where I couldn't see the screen. I logged into her FB account about an hour ago and tried to find this guy on her friends list. He is now not there so this was the guy she deleted. That's how I found out his name.


----------



## Jellybeans

Tell her that by her not telling you, she is not being honest with you or transparent.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> Sorry, I'll clear it up for you...She never told me his name. After my initial post, I logged into her FB account on my phone and scrolled through her messages. I came across one from a man who wrote a quick "hello" to her. I wrote his name down and looked at his FB page. Over the weekend, I asked her again to tell me who it was and she refused. I told her to delete him now or lose me. She pulled up FB on her phone and turned the phone away where I couldn't see the screen. I logged into her FB account about an hour ago and tried to find this guy on her friends list. He is now not there so this was the guy she deleted. That's how I found out his name.


I was afraid that's what you were going to say. How do you know the guy she deleted wasn't a red herring and the real guy isn't still there?? Anyway - in light of the above I'm with JB.



Jellybeans said:


> Tell her that by her not telling you, she is not being honest with you or transparent.


:iagree::iagree: And I'm back to my opinion that I personally could not accept this.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> Tell her that by her not telling you, she is not being honest with you or transparent.


I did. I told her it appears as if she is hiding something. If she says there's nothing to tell then she shouldn't be withholding his name. I told her that I am always honest with her and that she can look at my FB messages any time.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> I was afraid that's what you were going to say. How do you know the guy she deleted wasn't a red herring and the real guy isn't still there?? Anyway - in light of the above I'm with JB.
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree::iagree: And I'm back to my opinion that I personally could not accept this.


I don't. But it's a start. I have all the info I need on this guy now to start conversations.


----------



## Almostrecovered

same guy you suspected last week (religious guy with 400+ friends)?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> same guy you suspected last week (religious guy with 400+ friends)?


Yes, same guy.


----------



## Jellybeans

UGADawgs79 said:


> I did. I told her it appears as if she is hiding something. If she says there's nothing to tell then she shouldn't be withholding his name. I told her that I am always honest with her and that she can look at my FB messages any time.


And what did she say to that?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> And what did she say to that?


She said she knew I would try to contact him and threaten him if she told me...and then again stressed that she didn't respond.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> She said she knew I would try to contact him and threaten him if she told me...and then again stressed that she didn't respond.



I suspect she is involved more than she wants to admit . Do not let on to your wife that you are tracking the OM down, when you do call his wife or family wait and see if he tries to contact her again. After a while if you hear nothing back slip in that you are in contact with the BS and are sharing both of your findings. Thereafter persist in her going to IC to remedy her lying habits. In the interim look inwards and change yourself for the better and be more attractive to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have his name now. I watched her delete him from her FB account. Now I have his FB info and even found his resume on line.


NM. It was cleared up later by you.


----------



## UGADawgs79

TRy said:


> NM. It was cleared up later by you.


She hadn't deleted him before. She told me she "blocked" him but didn't "delete" him.


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> She said she knew I would try to contact him and threaten him if she told me...and then again stressed that she didn't respond.


You have to go back to what will you accept. Will you accept your wife remaining committed to another man over you? If so, then no problem. There probably wasn't any sex, so you can continue with your keylogger and hopefully catch either this guy in the future, or the next one.

If not, then don't let her turn it back on you like that. Tell her you're not angry with him. He didn't make a vow to remain faithful to you. He has no duty to you or your marriage. Tell her that she is the one you're angry with. She is the one who has taken the side of a sleaze who (supposedly) contacts old friends out of the blue and requests sex over her husband who she (supposedly) loves, respects, and cherishes over all other men.

That would be my narrative. Until she tells you his name, she is committed to him over you. Any excuses she gives you are just delaying tactics so that she can remain committed to him rather than you.

Don't be fooled into thinking this is over just because she (kind of) came clean before sex happened. This ends in one of three ways. Either she runs off with the OM (unlikely), she commits to you and your relationship (possible), or she does just enough to placate you while leaving the door open to other men (current situation).

It looks like the only way she will close the door to other men and commit to you is if you make the decision for her. Give her another chance to tell you the OM's name. When she refuses, get out a suitcase and start packing her things. Tell her you'll give her a ride to her parents/friends/hotel for a few days until she can figure out other accommodations. And you have to mean it. If you're not willing to divorce over her failure to commit to you, then she literally has no reason to commit to you.


----------



## turnera

I agree.


----------



## Jellybeans

PHT is right. She is playing you with not sharing his name. Tell her you feel that by her not telling you, she's betraying you and your marriage and how you feel she is disrespecting you by not sharing such a massive detail. Tell her, "If you have no ties to him any longer, then you should have no problems telling me his name." Say it in a calm manner and don't get emotion.

Lay your case out and then let her respond. If she keeps cake-eating (which to me, not telling you his name IS cake-eating) then you hit her with a consequence fast.


----------



## turnera

And add, 'If you tell me his name, I give you my word that I will not contact him, as I have no reason to. Telling me is simply so I can know that you place me as a higher priority than him.'


----------



## Jellybeans

Yeah. What Turner said.


----------



## TRy

turnera said:


> And add, 'If you tell me his name, I give you my word that I will not contact him, as I have no reason to. Telling me is simply so I can know that you place me as a higher priority than him.'


You should not do this. You should not accommodate your wife putting him before you. You have a right to protect your marriage. If that means contacting the OM so be it.

Additionally, if you do not have the right to contact the other man, how will you ever know that she gave you the true story? She will have no reason to tell you any more because you would have no way to verify. Besides, you already have the name anyway. The only reason that you are asking her is to see where her loyalties are. Since you already know the name, why give up your right to verify?

Ask her but do not negotiate. She must tell you to prove that she puts you before all others (didn't she promise that when you took your vows?). Let her know that her not being open with you on this weakens your marriage and will have long term major consequences. If she asks what the consequences will be, tell her that she should not wait for you to decide that, because once you do, it may be to late for her to ever make it right again.


----------



## F-102

Just a thought, USAD...I have many friends on FB that I haven't communicated with in a long time. I could go to ANY one of them and delete them with my W watching.

I suspect that there is much, much more to this than you know.


----------



## turnera

I don't consider it accommodating. If I were him, I wouldn't be contacting the man - unless I found out they WERE cheating. And at that point, all bets are off. I consider it showing my values - I don't go around beating up people for hitting on my wife.


----------



## TRy

turnera said:


> I don't consider it accommodating. If I were him, I wouldn't be contacting the man - unless I found out they WERE cheating. And at that point, all bets are off. I consider it showing my values - I don't go around beating up people for hitting on my wife.


 Contacting him does not mean beating him up. It means talking or writing to him. The husband has a right to contact the OM if he feels it to be the right thing to do to protect the marriage.

How is it right that the wife will not tell the husband who the OM is when you can bet your last dollar that the OM knows who the husband is?


----------



## UGADawgs79

TRy said:


> Contacting him does not mean beating him up. It means talking or writing to him. The husband has a right to contact the OM if he feels it to be the right thing to do to protect the marriage.
> 
> How is it right that the wife will not tell the husband who the OM is when you can bet your last dollar that the OM knows who the husband is?


I agree. I think I have a right to do all of my investigative work to know who this guy is and to contact him if I find that there is something going on. I asked her again last night to tell me who it was and again she refused. She said it was a long time ago and she never responded to him. She also added, "Just look at me? Who would want this?"


----------



## morituri

UGADawgs79 said:


> She also added, "Just look at me? Who would want this?"


Answer: "A predatory male who can smell the vulnerability of a woman with low self-esteem. That's who."


----------



## sigma1299

Why? Why oh why is she protecting this guy from you? Her position is not rational nor defensible if she loves you and wants to be your wife. 

She has a secret. She is hiding something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

She is protecting him , when ready contact him or bypass him and let his parents , wife or anyone else know his inappropriate behaviour . Her comments to you imply a lot more was said or done .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> She is protecting him , when ready contact him or bypass him and let his parents , wife or anyone else know his inappropriate behaviour . Her comments to you imply a lot more was said or done .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll get it out of her if I have to threaten to leave. Just remember that there are small children in my household too so I have them to consider before I act as well.


----------



## Eli-Zor

I don't think you have to leave , once you have confronted him and / or exposed to his family wait a while to see if he contacts her . His kneekerk reaction may cause him to attempt contact to her to say you spoke to him .

Don't threaten your wife or leave your home but do run the 180 on her. When you are ready and after you have outed him have a calm conversation with your wife , give her a piece of paper and a time limit of a day or so to answer all your questions . Have the questions ready to give to her.

Assume she will not answer your questions, she probably thinks you do not have enough on her . Be prepared for how far you will go , if she obstinately refuses to give his name then I suspect you either have to live with a lie or move on . I don't advocate divorce however I see your wife playing a dangerous game with your marriage .

If she does decline contact her family advising them of the affair , don't reveal you lack enough evidence however there is now harm once you have outed him to state to them without mentioning his name that you have been in contact with him and you are waiting for her to be honest with you.

Best immediate acton is to take him out and see if there is any fallout or he admits to more than she will say. Even after confrontation I suggest you out him to his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> I don't think you have to leave , once you have confronted him and / or exposed to his family wait a while to see if he contacts her . His kneekerk reaction may cause him to attempt contact to her to say you spoke to him .
> 
> Don't threaten your wife or leave your home but do run the 180 on her. When you are ready and after you have outed him have a calm conversation with your wife , give her a piece of paper and a time limit of a day or so to answer all your questions . Have the questions ready to give to her.
> 
> Assume she will not answer your questions, she probably thinks you do not have enough on her . Be prepared for how far you will go , if she obstinately refuses to give his name then I suspect you either have to live with a lie or move on . I don't advocate divorce however I see your wife playing a dangerous game with your marriage .
> 
> If she does decline contact her family advising them of the affair , don't reveal you lack enough evidence however there is now harm once you have outed him to state to them without mentioning his name that you have been in contact with him and you are waiting for her to be honest with you.
> 
> Best immediate acton is to take him out and see if there is any fallout or he admits to more that she will say. Even after confrontation I suggest you out him to his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She will be in class tonight so I will have the opportunity to review the keylogger on her laptop to see if there is any contact. I tried to set it up where the logger emails me the results but I couldn't get it to work.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Great ; unfortunately to shut his down you will have to remain composed, be patient and persistent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## this is bad

Do not negotiate or back down. In my case my W was deep in the fog. About 3wks after dday I gave her boundaries. Delete fb mags, pics on phone, emails from fb, NC, letter of NC. Can you believe W said no. I expose to OM mom and her mom. Over time she agreed to all but NC letter. She was negotiating with me and I was letting her. It took about a month to get the letter. I got it because by that time I was ready to let her go. When I said thanks for the last 18yrs, I'm going to let you go. I got the letter.. and it was not a threat. 

Do not negotiate. Stay firm. 

BTW I also have 2kids. Like many have told me, never stay in a marriage because of the kids. You have to be happy. If not, you'll be miserable and the kids will pickup on that. 


You've gotten good advise. And like the saying goes. Go do the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

You should follow TIS (this is bad) advice. Read his thread for you will learn a lot on what you can expect from your wife and be ready.

Full transparency, no secrets, should be a deal breaker boundary for you.

Do not let the fear of not seeing your kids stop you. It is groundless and only makes you look weak and pathetic in her eyes. Women are not attracted to men who are needy and fearful. Man up to her by *calmly, quietly and respectuflly* saying to her "Either we share everything or we share nothing. What's it going to be?"


----------



## turnera

TRy said:


> Contacting him does not mean beating him up. It means talking or writing to him. The husband has a right to contact the OM if he feels it to be the right thing to do to protect the marriage.
> 
> How is it right that the wife will not tell the husband who the OM is when you can bet your last dollar that the OM knows who the husband is?


 What does contacting him have to do with anything? What I espoused was that if she DOES give the name, he then has no REASON to contact the man. Why should he? He has a keylogger on her computer and is monitoring her phone. 

Now, as I said, if they ARE in contact, all bets are off. But as long as she coughs up the name and does NOT contact OM, that matter is dead and they should be moving on to figuring out why she got so close (i.e. what's wrong with the marriage) and addressing THAT.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> What does contacting him have to do with anything? What I espoused was that if she DOES give the name, he then has no REASON to contact the man. Why should he? He has a keylogger on her computer and is monitoring her phone.
> 
> Now, as I said, if they ARE in contact, all bets are off. But as long as she coughs up the name and does NOT contact OM, that matter is dead and they should be moving on to figuring out why she got so close (i.e. what's wrong with the marriage) and addressing THAT.


Me contacting him is his warning to leave my wife the **** alone and to threaten to call his wife/family and expose him.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Call his wife anyway even after confronting him , why should he think he is free to play with your wife if your marriage does not make it . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

Eli-Zor said:


> Call his wife anyway even after confronting him , why should he think he is free to play with your wife if your marriage does not make it .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed.

Look at it this way: Even if we accept your wife's version of events as being completely accurate, what are the odds that this is the first time OM propositioned someone that way? His wife has a right to know what he's up to just as much as you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

UGADawgs79 said:


> I asked her again last night to tell me who it was and again she refused.


Ugh. My heart goes out to you. It's utter BS that she won't tell you. Your thread is triggering me. My exH to this day will not reveal the OW's name. I have an idea but nothing concrete. He claims he "can't remember." Yeah right.

She's disrespecting you by not telling you. Her lying makes it seem her loyalty isn't to you.

And ya know what--maybe he did invite her down and not to tell you about it and she never responded. But her not telling you is so ridiculously selfish.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> Ugh. My heart goes out to you. It's utter BS that she won't tell you. Your thread is triggering me. My exH to this day will not reveal the OW's name. I have an idea but nothing concrete. He claims he "can't remember." Yeah right.
> 
> She's disrespecting you by not telling you. Her lying makes it seem her loyalty isn't to you.
> 
> And ya know what--maybe he did invite her down and not to tell you about it and she never responded. But her not telling you is so ridiculously selfish.


I agree, Jelly. If what she has told me is true, then why won't she reveal his name. I have his name now, but it was on my own investigation that I figured it out. She claims they never dated and it was a random request but he would have had to have known her somewhat well to proposition her. Ugh! Makes me want to "friend" my ex who is 5 hours away!


----------



## turnera

Tell your wife that.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Tell your wife that.


Maybe I'll just friend her and then tell my wife a month later.


----------



## Grayson

Careful...doing something like that not only surrenders high ground, but sets up a cycle of both of you saying, " Well YOU did it, so I figured it was ok for me." this is definitely not a situation that calls for "do as I say, not as I do" behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> Maybe I'll just friend her and then tell my wife a month later.


Don't do that - but I don't think you really would - it would only serve to confuse the issue and give her something to fight back with.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> Don't do that - but I don't think you really would - it would only serve to confuse the issue and give her something to fight back with.


Yeah, that would really fuel the fire seeming how she is my ex-fiance.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> Yeah, that would really fuel the fire seeming how she is my ex-fiance.


Wow - that would send everything to the next level for sure - I can understand the temptation. It's still counter productive, but again I get the impression you know that.


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> I'll get it out of her if I have to threaten to leave. Just remember that there are small children in my household too so I have them to consider before I act as well.


There might be a happy medium between accepting other men in your marriage and divorcing. That is the 180. Basically, your wife is refusing to act loving toward you. You have told her your issue, and she dismisses you. So you refuse to act loving toward her.

You don't act rude or obnoxious. You act cordial and polite, just unloving. You should be all business with your wife. If she wants to talk about the kids, that's fine. If she wants to talk about a romantic getaway for the two of you, change the subject. You don't start any conversations. You respond to her. If she wants to talk about the weather, respond briefly and go about your business. If she wants to have a long, intimate conversation, just change the subject and excuse yourself. You don't call your wife, unless you need information. You don't check in with her. You don't ask her how her day was. You don't text her random, "thinking of you" messages during the day. You don't touch her, hug her, kiss her, or have sex with her.

This serves two purposes. First, it is a change of tactics for you. Asking her the OM's name is obviously not going to work. You've asked her 10 times and she's refused to tell you 10 times. You shouldn't ask her 11 times, or 15, or 30. You should get the picture that no means no. After a while, you're just costing yourself any remaining respect your wife has for you by nagging her and refusing to enforce any kind of consequences for her actions. Second, you have said that this is genuinely unacceptable for you and you may leave her. This tactic will emotionally distance you from your wife and better prepare you for leaving her, if necessary.

It is possible that your wife will notice your new behavior and inquire about it. You should simply tell her that you have decided that her protecting the OM at the expense of her marriage makes it impossible for you to act loving toward her. If she argues, leave. If she makes excuses, leave. Don't argue back. Leave that statement as your policy. While she is committed to the OM, you refuse to be loving and committed to her. She gets to decide (temporarily) how you act toward her. If she wants her old, loving husband back, she just gives you a name, writes a NC letter, and gives you complete transparency on her phone and computer. If she continues to protect the OM, she gets a curt and courteous roommate until you've had enough and divorce her.

Below is a thread on a related topic of lowering the thermostat in your relationship. It's geared more toward spouses who are naturally unbalanced in loving behavior toward each other and not necessarily toward spouses dealing with possible infidelity. But the cooling off information may still be relevant.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


----------



## UGADawgs79

I just confronted her AGAIN about telling me who the guy is - this time via text message. She said: "Baby, you have NOTHING to worry about! I'm sure he does the same thing to every other woman."


----------



## Almostrecovered

reply-

exactly why you should have no interest in protecting him


----------



## sigma1299

UGA - when you get to the bottom of this you have got to come back here and let us know WTF was up. I don't get this - is she always this stubborn?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> reply-
> 
> exactly why you should have no interest in protecting him


She wrote: I don't give a s*** about him & I never did! I don't want u to get into an online argument w a guy u never met bc it's pointless.


----------



## Jellybeans

Tell her that its not pointless to you and since there's nothing to worry about.. then there's no reason why she shouldn't tell you. Grr. She's aggravating. Each time you ask she changes the subject or deflects to something else. Tell her she's making it all worse by not respecting you enough to tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299

So she'd rather the two of you have a text argument??? If she doesn't give a sh!t about him what does she care if you drive to his place and pound his face in??


----------



## UGADawgs79

She still doesn't know I know who the guy is! I told her wouldn't she like to know if it were a girl contacting me? She said: Yes I would, but I really mean that u don't need to email him. Ur making this a big deal. It's over.


----------



## CandieGirl

LOL...a big fat waste of skin ex-BF of mine, who cheated on me via Facebook still tries to grovel to me despite my strict NC for over 2 years...recently he sent me a B-day text...I told my H about it, and he said "Next time, give me the phone and I'LL call him and tell him to phuck off MYSELF..." I'm almost hoping he texts! LOL...


----------



## Almostrecovered

obviously too long for a text but you can say this to her later-


You say nothing happened that I should worry about, yet you kept this from me for months and deleted the message so I can't see what was said.

You say you don't care for him at all, yet you refuse to give me his name, would not remove him from your friends list until I asked repeatedly and worry that I will contact him or attempt to hurt him.


You say one thing but your actions completely say another thing.


----------



## UGADawgs79

PHTlump said:


> There might be a happy medium between accepting other men in your marriage and divorcing. That is the 180. Basically, your wife is refusing to act loving toward you. You have told her your issue, and she dismisses you. So you refuse to act loving toward her.
> 
> You don't act rude or obnoxious. You act cordial and polite, just unloving. You should be all business with your wife. If she wants to talk about the kids, that's fine. If she wants to talk about a romantic getaway for the two of you, change the subject. You don't start any conversations. You respond to her. If she wants to talk about the weather, respond briefly and go about your business. If she wants to have a long, intimate conversation, just change the subject and excuse yourself. You don't call your wife, unless you need information. You don't check in with her. You don't ask her how her day was. You don't text her random, "thinking of you" messages during the day. You don't touch her, hug her, kiss her, or have sex with her.
> 
> This serves two purposes. First, it is a change of tactics for you. Asking her the OM's name is obviously not going to work. You've asked her 10 times and she's refused to tell you 10 times. You shouldn't ask her 11 times, or 15, or 30. You should get the picture that no means no. After a while, you're just costing yourself any remaining respect your wife has for you by nagging her and refusing to enforce any kind of consequences for her actions. Second, you have said that this is genuinely unacceptable for you and you may leave her. This tactic will emotionally distance you from your wife and better prepare you for leaving her, if necessary.
> 
> It is possible that your wife will notice your new behavior and inquire about it. You should simply tell her that you have decided that her protecting the OM at the expense of her marriage makes it impossible for you to act loving toward her. If she argues, leave. If she makes excuses, leave. Don't argue back. Leave that statement as your policy. While she is committed to the OM, you refuse to be loving and committed to her. She gets to decide (temporarily) how you act toward her. If she wants her old, loving husband back, she just gives you a name, writes a NC letter, and gives you complete transparency on her phone and computer. If she continues to protect the OM, she gets a curt and courteous roommate until you've had enough and divorce her.
> 
> Below is a thread on a related topic of lowering the thermostat in your relationship. It's geared more toward spouses who are naturally unbalanced in loving behavior toward each other and not necessarily toward spouses dealing with possible infidelity. But the cooling off information may still be relevant.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


Very good advice which I might be taking up!


----------



## Eli-Zor

If you have tracked him down , out him , there is no reason to delay anymore .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> If you have tracked him down , out him , there is no reason to delay anymore .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She just called me here at work to ask if I was mad at her. She insisted that I have nothing to worry about and that she never responded (where have I heard that before?) I told her if that was the case then why not tell me his name. UGH!


----------



## sigma1299

Eli-Zor said:


> If you have tracked him down , out him , there is no reason to delay anymore .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. At this point the most important objective is to get his W to give up the other guy's name and stop protecting him of her own accord. If UGA confronts the OM he may well tell UGA's wife and thus end the opportunity to see how this test evolves.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Run the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

I've got all I need - except I'm waiting on something to show up through the keylogger. I am extremely upset she won't give in.


----------



## sigma1299

After re-reading a lot of this if it were me I'd be over this game B.S. she's playing. I'd calmly tell her to pack her sh!t until she was prepared to give me the guy's name and that given the crap she's put up defending him I made no guarantees of what I was or was not going to do with his name if she decided to give it to me. Then I'd shut up, walk away and wouldn't say another word to her until she gave me that name. If she didn't pack I'd pretend like she didn't exist - I guess just a more aggressive form of the 180. 

This is unmitigated bullsh!t. It's time to end whatever stupid game she's playing.


----------



## turnera

I'm starting to think the same. Either HONOR your husband, or move out.


----------



## this is bad

The longer it takes, the worst things will get. Like sigma said put an end to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

sigma1299 said:


> After re-reading a lot of this if it were me I'd be over this game B.S. she's playing. I'd calmly tell her to pack her sh!t until she was prepared to give me the guy's name and that given the crap she's put up defending him I made no guarantees of what I was or was not going to do with his name if she decided to give it to me. Then I'd shut up, walk away and wouldn't say another word to her until she gave me that name. If she didn't pack I'd pretend like she didn't exist - I guess just a more aggressive form of the 180.
> 
> This is unmitigated bullsh!t. It's time to end whatever stupid game she's playing.


:iagree:


----------



## england 75

facebook is the route of many evils, but essentially it's just the same as the real world, if she gets guys asking her out or flirting every day then in reality this is all a waste of your energy.

She told you which is the stupid thing, unfortunately it has now placed a seed of doubt in your mind, I can understand why she doesn't want you to find out his name, I think most people would act on that information. If you trust her, let it lie. If you don't feel she is reassuring you about this then maybe it is time to question the relationship, I've been there and in the end, I wish I'd have followed my intuition.


----------



## Halien

I really think that you should be completely upfront, and tell her that you will not let this go.

This guy contacted her and asked her to meet him without letting you know. That alone warrants a little unease, but tell her that your beef is no longer with this guy. Its with her refusal to tell you who invited her, a married woman, to go away with him. By refusing to reveal his name, you will have no option but to assume that she is convering up a relationship that she does not want you to know about. You will proceed with this assumption until she clears it up. Seriously, if it is as harmless as she says, she would've just put it to rest the 29th time or so that you asked.

Another UGA Dawg.


----------



## turnera

Halien said:


> I really think that you should be completely upfront, and tell her that you will not let this go.
> 
> tell her that your beef is no longer with this guy. Its with her refusal to tell you who invited her, a married woman, to go away with him. By refusing to reveal his name, you will have no option but to assume that she is convering up a relationship that she does not want you to know about. You will proceed with this assumption until she clears it up.


Exactly.


----------



## Hicks

UGADawgs79 said:


> She just called me here at work to ask if I was mad at her. She insisted that I have nothing to worry about and that she never responded (where have I heard that before?) I told her if that was the case then why not tell me his name. UGH!


"I'm not mad in the least. I have merely concluded that you care more about protecting the identity of a predator than you care about your marriage"


----------



## Jellybeans

sigma1299 said:


> This is unmitigated bullsh!t.





this is bad said:


> The longer it takes, the worst things will get.


:iagree::iagree:

Your wife is making me angry. The longer she refuses, the worse it looks. It's like saying, "OOOH I have a BIG secret over here!" and then not telling the person what the secret it. How lame.

Maybe you could say "I am going to ask you one more time. If you do not tell me, I will interpret that as you not respecting me enough to tell me the truth." Then be really quiet and see what she says. If she doesn't bite, walk away and get busy, do something. Don't bend to her. She is playing a sick game and even if nothing happened with him and that is all that happened, she's making this 5000x worse than it needs to be. It's lik ea control thing. What a hag, I am sorry. But what a b!tch she's acting like.


----------



## Dadof3

I wonder if you putting it to her in terms she's understand (feelings?) that you might get a response. If not, then what the hell? Run the 180


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> I just confronted her AGAIN about telling me who the guy is - this time via text message. She said: *"Kiss my ass."*


Fixed that for you.

UGA, your wife is doing one of two things. Either she is cheating with this guy, or she is running one hell of a sh!t test on you.

Either way, you need to slap her down HARD! If you're not prepared to give her an ultimatum, then run the 180 immediately. The next time she calls or texts, don't answer it. You don't even have to tell her that you're waiting for the name. She knows that. Just refuse to engage her until she gives you the name.

If she texts asking if you're mad, ignore it. If you're home and she asks you face to face, just smile and go on with whatever you're doing.

She is literally begging you to give her some consequences. Each time you're reluctant to put an end to this crap once and for all, just imagine your wife laughing to all her girlfriends about playing this stupid game with you. So far, your only move is to try to annoy the name out of her. Stop it. Stop giving her what she wants.


----------



## bryanp

If the roles were reversed and you told her to kiss my ass, would she be as accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Her attitude and actions clearly show she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Chaparral

sigma1299 said:


> So she'd rather the two of you have a text argument??? If she doesn't give a sh!t about him what does she care if you drive to his place and pound his face in??


Maybe she's just trying to keep the Dawg out of jail. She knows him better than we do. LOL You wouldn't hurt him would you Dawg?


----------



## turnera

That IS the one question that hasn't been answered. Does she have a valid reason for fearing that you would become violent?


----------



## Halien

turnera said:


> That IS the one question that hasn't been answered. Does she have a valid reason for fearing that you would become violent?


Or maybe, did she just make up the story to see if he would be jealous?


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> That IS the one question that hasn't been answered. Does she have a valid reason for fearing that you would become violent?


Absolutely not! I'm not even concerned about the guy any more. I am concerned about her refusing to come clean. I confronted her again last night after I pretty much ignored her from the time I got home from work until the time we went to bed. I told her she can make this all go away by telling me his name and yet again she turns this on me! It erupted into a loud argument with the kids in the next room. She said I was making her out to be a wh*** in front of her kids. She told me that the guy is not even a nobody to her and that she only got drunk with him a few times in college (WTF?!?). She said there was no physical contact at all. I would never become violent and hurt another human being unless they threatened the well-being of my family. She said her concern is that I would email the guy and he would print off the email and show it off to his friends. I said, "Why do I give a f*** about what he does with the email?" I told her if she came clean now there would be no contact; otherwise, if I found out through someone else that I would be picking up the phone! I will be ignoring her calls, emails, and texts today.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGA , confront the guy and expose him to his family. 

In parallel keep firm with your wife, no arguments , no fighting , just run a 180 on her , it could take a while for her to come round . Remember the 180 is to help you. She will notice the change and will know that you are not taking her nonsense.

If and when she does come clean insist she goes for IC as she is taking your marriage to the brink of destruction. 

Make sure you spend quality time with your children and don't show negative emotion.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> UGA , confront the guy and expose him to his family.
> 
> In parallel keep firm with your wife, no arguments , no fighting , just run a 180 on her , it could take a while for her to come round . Remember the 180 is to help you. She will notice the change and will know that you are not taking her nonsense.
> 
> If and when she does come clean insist she goes for IC as she is taking your marriage to the brink of destruction.
> 
> Make sure you spend quality time with your children and don't show negative emotion.


How do I continue the 180 when she is in my face yelling at me. I always spend quality time with the kids and don't take anything out on them. I am very close to just leaving and finding someone else.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Deal with it with patience and dont let her wind you up. It sounds like she has an idea or is seeking to push your buttons.

Patience, the 180 tells you to ignore her and walk away. Do you require copy of the 180?

By exposing on his side the message will either get back to her and she will know the game is up or you continue as you are until she starts practising honesty with you .

All you must do is stick to the 180 and hold it together.


----------



## Eli-Zor

> I am very close to just leaving and finding someone else.


This is perhaps what she is trying to get you to do then she can blame you for the marriage breakup. Keep away from this trap .


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> Deal witht he with patience and dont let her wind you up. It sounds like she has an idea or is seeking to push your buttons.
> 
> Patience, the 180 tells you to ignore her and walk away. Do you require copy of the 180?
> 
> By exposing on his side the message will either get back to her and she will know the game is up or you continue as you are until she starts practising honesty with you .
> 
> All you must do is stick to the 180 and hold it together.


All I want is her to tell me his name. I am not concerned about contacting this guy at all.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Implement the hard 180 and be patient , she will wake up see you getting ready for life without her. If she asks you any question you reply , with the question of what is his name?

It sounds like you and your wife are hitting heads, she is most definitely wrong here, you should be calm and stay on course.

Its there a reason why you do not want to expose the OM?

I must warn you many waywards hold back the truth for a very good reason . You may think this was not a full on EA or they never made contact; I suggest you discount that thought. 

Your exposure of him will help take him out of the picture permanently and his wife will watch him. He should then not be in a position to renew contact in a few months time. You may even gain additional information .


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> Implement the hard 180 and be patient , she will wake up see you getting ready for life without her. If she asks you any question you reply , with the question of what is his name?
> 
> It sounds like you and your wife are hitting heads, she is most definitely wrong here, you should be calm and carry on keeping on course.
> 
> Its there a reason why you do not want to expose the OM?
> 
> I must warn you many waywards hold back the truth for a very good reason . You may think this was not a full on EA or they never made contact; I suggest you discount that thought.
> 
> You exposure of him will help take him out of the picture as his wife watching him will help your cause. You may even gain additional information .


I don't think this guy is married. From what I have discovered from his FB page it appears he is single. I do have his parents information now, though.


----------



## Eli-Zor

> I do have his parents information now, though.


Call them , before you confront him. Highlight his very inappropriate behaviour with a married woman . Make sure they know this is not a fabrication and you have evidence.


----------



## Eli-Zor

You may be wondering why I am asking you to expose this:

His parents will likely speak to him after you expose to them . If in the future they hear your wifes name or he (in a worse case scenario) introduces your wife to them they will know what you told them was true. Most parents by default support their children however an affair makes any meeting unpleasant. 

There is a chance he will contact your wife. You may see a change in her behaviour or you may intercept the message, call or text. This will then give you a reason to bring this to a head.

Alternately if he contacts her and you are unaware of the contact. She will then know you know who the OM is and the 180 you run is going to make her feel uneasy. 


If he does not contact her you have lost nothing because you are running the 180 and the issue then is wholly your wife withholding information.

I am guessing your wife is stubborn and does not see or recognise the damage she is doing. Be ready for a long haul it could be weeks before you start getting a decent response from her.


----------



## F-102

Your W is not really afraid of you hurting him.

Your W is REALLY afraid of him telling you what's really been going on.


----------



## Whip Morgan

F102 is dead on. This whole thing about her not telling him is ridiculous. There is only one reason NOT to tell him: she is covering her tracks as best she can. There is definitely something going on between them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

F-102 said:


> Your W is not really afraid of you hurting him.
> 
> Your W is REALLY afraid of him telling you what's really been going on.


I'm leaning on contacting him now before parents just to see what his answer is to why he's asking your wife to meet him. 

Is it possibel your wife made this up to make you jealous? What did her mother say about his message.


----------



## Chaparral

Whip Morgan said:


> F102 is dead on. This whole thing about her not telling him is ridiculous. There is only one reason NOT to tell him: she is covering her tracks as best she can. There is definitely something going on between them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless she made the whole thing up.

Does she have any history of trying to Dawg jealous? Many women(people) do.


----------



## PHTlump

UGADawgs79 said:


> How do I continue the 180 when she is in my face yelling at me. I always spend quality time with the kids and don't take anything out on them. I am very close to just leaving and finding someone else.


You just walk away. Imagine your wife not as your wife, but as some crazy cat lady who is screaming delusional things in your face. Would you scream back? Of course not. You would smile and walk away.

Your wife is playing a game with you. The game is to tell you a little bit about another man to see how upset you get. It's understandable that you get upset. The game continues by her not identifying the man to you to see how long you'll take her sh!t. That's why it's called a sh!t test.

Now, obviously you can't force her to tell you his name. But, you can stop taking her sh!t. And you do that by realizing that she is playing a game with you and walking away from the table. As the computer in War Games said, "The only winning move is not to play."

Trust me. In an argument where your wife is trying to upset you, the angriest you can make her is not to yell back. It's to smile a bemused smile, the "I know something you don't know" smile, and walk away.

Read this post from another thread.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31300-lost-2.html#post419347

Print the list out and keep it in your pocket. Read the list until you have it memorized and run it in every interaction with your wife. However, I disagree with #10 (don't spy). That is appropriate if you were proceeding with divorce. You are hoping to avoid that, so I would spy to ensure she's not in contact with this guy.

The main thing is to communicate that you're not angry with her, you're very close to being done with her. So stop yelling and nagging. Don't bring the other man up again. Start taking the kids out by yourself, the way you might after a divorce. You need to flip the script and make it clear exactly what your wife is choosing by honoring the OM more than she honors you and her marriage.

Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump

Eli-Zor said:


> There is a chance he will contact your wife. You may see a change in her behaviour or you may intercept the message, call or text. This will then give you a reason to bring this to a head.
> 
> Alternately if he contacts her and you are unaware of the contact. She will then know you know who the OM is and the 180 you run is going to make her feel uneasy.
> 
> If he does not contact her you have lost nothing because you are running the 180 and the issue then is wholly your wife withholding information.


I disagree. The game Dawg is playing against his wife right now is to find out the name. By announcing that he already knows the name, the game isn't won or lost, it's just circumvented. Dawg, his wife, and their marriage need for her to lose this game.

Dawg's wife telling him about the proposition means it's unlikely that an affair is ongoing. Dawg has a keylogger to intercept Facebook or emails. If he doesn't have a voice-activated recorder in her car, he should put one there to monitor phone calls as well. After his wife has disclosed the name, he can monitor whether she calls the OM to get a story straight. If not, he should still contact the OM to get his side of things and to warn him off.



Eli-Zor said:


> I am guessing your wife is stubborn and does not see or recognise the damage she is doing. Be ready for a long haul it could be weeks before you start getting a decent response from her.


I agree.


----------



## UGADawgs79

PHTlump said:


> I disagree. The game Dawg is playing against his wife right now is to find out the name. By announcing that he already knows the name, the game isn't won or lost, it's just circumvented. Dawg, his wife, and their marriage need for her to lose this game.
> 
> Dawg's wife telling him about the proposition means it's unlikely that an affair is ongoing. Dawg has a keylogger to intercept Facebook or emails. If he doesn't have a voice-activated recorder in her car, he should put one there to monitor phone calls as well. After his wife has disclosed the name, he can monitor whether she calls the OM to get a story straight. If not, he should still contact the OM to get his side of things and to warn him off.
> 
> 
> I agree.


She told me last night the guy is 34 years old. The guy she removed from FB is 34 years old. There is no doubt in my mind this is the guy. She keeps insisting I'm making a big deal over nothing and that "she was trying to have a nice day with us yesterday but I ruined it with this."


----------



## PHTlump

chapparal said:


> Is it possibel your wife made this up to make you jealous?


If she did, that may be even worse than a short EA. If she invented a reason to toy with him and is using that a pretense to scream at him and watch him back down, she's just cold blooded.


----------



## UGADawgs79

PHTlump said:


> If she did, that may be even worse than a short EA. If she invented a reason to toy with him and is using that a pretense to scream at him and watch him back down, she's just cold blooded.


I'm pretty sure she didn't. She showed her mom and her cousin the email. All I'd have to do is go to them.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> She keeps insisting I'm making a big deal over nothing and that "she was trying to have a nice day with us yesterday but* I ruined it with this*."


BULLSH!T BULLSH!T BULLSH!T

You didn't ruin it - SHE DID - by not having enough respect for you and your marriage to give you that damn guys name. Holy sh!t I want to slap your wife. OMG what a cluster. 

And I agree with PHT - this has to be allowed to play out.


----------



## LonelyNLost

This has really been bothering me. I really hope that you get to the bottom of this and are able to recover. It's really painful to go through this, no matter what the outcome. At the least, there are cracks exposed in the foundation of your marriage, and those need to be repaired. It's hard to realize (and even harder when your spouse is the one who steps out) that infidelity isn't the cause of divorce or problems, it's a symptom. And even if it hasn't gone that far with her, there are trust and openness and honesty issues. The fact that she told you some is good, but a lot of times that is done to head off anything they might find in the future (like a saucy message from the OM she could easily say, "I told you he liked me"). We are looking out for you because a lot of us have been there. Facebook can be used for good or evil, and unfortunately those weak often fall prey. But I now know, as much as I wanted to blame facebook and my stbx, that there were issues that weren't communicated or identified until now. I wish you luck!


----------



## UGADawgs79

LonelyNLost said:


> This has really been bothering me. I really hope that you get to the bottom of this and are able to recover. It's really painful to go through this, no matter what the outcome. At the least, there are cracks exposed in the foundation of your marriage, and those need to be repaired. It's hard to realize (and even harder when your spouse is the one who steps out) that infidelity isn't the cause of divorce or problems, it's a symptom. And even if it hasn't gone that far with her, there are trust and openness and honesty issues. The fact that she told you some is good, but a lot of times that is done to head off anything they might find in the future (like a saucy message from the OM she could easily say, "I told you he liked me"). We are looking out for you because a lot of us have been there. Facebook can be used for good or evil, and unfortunately those weak often fall prey. But I now know, as much as I wanted to blame facebook and my stbx, that there were issues that weren't communicated or identified until now. I wish you luck!


It's been bothering me too to the point where I have started considering what it would be like to be with someone else. I'm tired of her stupid crap and unwillingness to reveal his name.


----------



## F-102

Say, is it possible that she is in an A, but not with this guy? She probably told you just enough to get you on HIS trail and ignore others.


----------



## sigma1299

Ok now that I've calmed down from reading your post this morning. You've got to remove any emotion you have from this situation and deal with it as cold hard math. Your W + wont reveal OM's name = deal breaker. Without emotion the deal has got to be, "until you tell me his name our relationship is on hold - if YOU let it stay on hold long enough it may be terminal. Ball's in your court." Then go get a beer or something.


----------



## UGADawgs79

F-102 said:


> Say, is it possible that she is in an A, but not with this guy? She probably told you just enough to get you on HIS trail and ignore others.


If she is the keylogger will catch anything suspicious.


----------



## Almostrecovered

and the phone?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> and the phone?


She almost always has her phone with her. It doesn't let me install any spyware on it.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> She keeps insisting I'm making a big deal over nothing and that "she was trying to have a nice day with us yesterday but I ruined it with this."


BTW - there's a term for this in the cheater's handbook - it's called gas lighting. It's when people in affairs try to convince their spouse that they are crazy and/or controlling for suspecting something bad. It's intention is to deflect the betrayed spouse off the scent of the affair.


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> BTW - there's a term for this in the cheater's handbook - it's called gas lighting. It's when people in affairs try to convince their spouse that they are crazy and/or controlling for suspecting something bad. It's intention is to deflect the betrayed spouse off the scent of the affair.


I told her the consequences would be MUCH worse if I found out before she told me his name.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Have you told her how strange/suspicious/disrespectful it is that she won't reveal his name to you? It's a fairly simple request.

I mean, are you yelling at her every day about it*? Just simply, calmly asking? This stubborness on her part is very strange... you need to explain to her, in simple, but no uncertain terms that it's her unwillingness to tell you something so simple that's the problem, here.


*Not saying you are- but is that what she's perceiving?


----------



## UGADawgs79

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Have you told her how strange/suspicious/disrespectful it is that she won't reveal his name to you? It's a fairly simple request.
> 
> I mean, are you yelling at her every day about it*? Just simply, calmly asking? This stubborness on her part is very strange... you need to explain to her, in simple, but no uncertain terms that it's her unwillingness to tell you something so simple that's the problem, here.
> 
> 
> *Not saying you are- but is that what she's perceiving?


I have. I told her last night that if nothing happened then she has nothing to worry about and no reason to hide his name. I am not yelling at her at all. I am asking her a simple question to which she continually refuses to answer. She yelled at me last night for asking her.


----------



## Almostrecovered

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have. I told her last night that if nothing happened then she has nothing to worry about and no reason to hide his name. I am not yelling at her at all. I am asking her a simple question to which she continually refuses to answer. She yelled at me last night for asking her.


definitely not passing the sniff test for sure


----------



## Dadof3

I for one, would like to believe the W. Put it to her in emotional terms. Level with her and what this means to you. Connect on an emotional level.

If this really is a deal breaker for you, you need to steel up and be prepared to enact your / her exit strategy. You don't have to tip your hand to what you know, but you need to sit down and tell her that you need to have a potentially marriage changing conversation. Explain WHY this is important and give it some context. If nothing is going on, she might laugh, but it should DAWN on her why it is important. Help her understand through her feelings (logic aint working here).


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> Absolutely not! I'm not even concerned about the guy any more.


Good. That's what I expected. I just wanted to make sure that was NOT a valid excuse for her. 

At this point, this is a HUGE issue for your marriage, not because of what may or may not have happened, but because she is putting HER PRIDE ahead of you.

Can you live with that?


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> She almost always has her phone with her. It doesn't let me install any spyware on it.


 Can't you see the phone bill online? Doesn't it let you see what numbers are called/received?

As for your keylogger, you need to CALL THEM today, the company you got it from, and tell them it won't let you set up your email alert and get them to walk you through it so that, tonight, you can correct the issue. Waiting around a week to see what she's doing all week is unacceptable. And if they can't get it to work, pay for another. Your marriage is worth it.


----------



## turnera

Dadof3 said:


> I for one, would like to believe the W. Put it to her in emotional terms. Level with her and what this means to you. Connect on an emotional level.
> 
> If this really is a deal breaker for you, you need to steel up and be prepared to enact your / her exit strategy. You don't have to tip your hand to what you know, but you need to sit down and tell her that you need to have a potentially marriage changing conversation. Explain WHY this is important and give it some context. If nothing is going on, she might laugh, but it should DAWN on her why it is important. Help her understand through her feelings (logic aint working here).


Agreed. It's possible that she never expected it to go this far, but now feels backed into a corner and fears you will use it against her if she gives in and gives his name. Make this an emotional thing, so she can see WHY you are pushing.

And if that doesn't work, expect to find an affair.


----------



## turnera

Maybe she's cheating with someone else this guy knows, and she's afraid if he contacts OM, he'll find out about that other guy.


----------



## this is bad

If she has an android phone you can install an sms backup. It will send all text, pics that are text and call logs to the email address setup on the phone. It should be a gmail account. If you can get access to both, your in luck. 

If I mentioned this earlier, disregard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Your wife is being a b!tch, plain and simple. 

This entire time, I've assumed maybe she was transparent with you and told you what the deal was (that he reached out to her) and wasn't telling you in order not to get you more angry (aka her side of the story). But her resistance and outright refusal is very disconcerting. 

In fact, I was more annoyed with her than anything else and nothing before had pinged my bat radar before this post:



UGADawgs79 said:


> I confronted her again last night after I pretty much ignored her from the time I got home from work until the time we went to bed. I told her she can make this all go away by telling me his name and yet again she turns this on me! It erupted into a loud argument with the kids in the next room. *She said I was making her out to be a wh*** in front of her kids.* She told me that the guy is not even a nobody to her and that she only got drunk with him a few times in college (WTF?!?). She said there was no physical contact at all. I would never become violent and hurt another human being unless they threatened the well-being of my family. She said her concern is that I would email the guy and he would print off the email and show it off to his friends.


She is protecting him. Why? I don't know. But usually when someone protects someone in a situation like this, it's for selfish reasons (i.e. I don't want to get busted). UGA, I confessed to my husband that I had cheated. My husband asked me OM's name and I did not want to tell him because I feared a lot of bad sh*t was going to happen. I actually feared for the OM's life. But I realized what an idiot I was being and told him within 30 minutes of him asking me. 

My advice is to not ask her again. You already have a thousand times and she won't tell you. I hope you told her you felt it was disrespectful that she won't tell you think it feels like she's protecting him. Say no more about it to her right now and see what happens. Be calm and unemotional right now with her. Check your emotions at the door. Don't be overly nice to her, in fact, treat her like you would a colleague. she is acting like a pain in the a$$ and maybe if you distance yourself from her shenanigans, she may come outright and tell you once she realizes you're not going to lose it on her (though you have every right to tell her how you feel).

What you've done hasn't worked. So try something else. Be calm.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh and I don't think exposure to this guy's friends/families is a good thing right now since you have no solid proof anything went down.

Her keeping her phone with her/close by at all times is NOT a good sign.


----------



## Dadof3

I agree with JB on her advice on the contrary to mine. I guess only with time will u have enough evidence to pursue (if you get the VAR / keyloggers working properly)


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

JB's advice sounds right on to me.


----------



## lht285

She is pushing your buttons. She may be feeling a lack of attention, and this is her way of getting your attention. It is working.


----------



## UGADawgs79

this is bad said:


> If she has an android phone you can install an sms backup. It will send all text, pics that are text and call logs to the email address setup on the phone. It should be a gmail account. If you can get access to both, your in luck.
> 
> If I mentioned this earlier, disregard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a Samsung Reality. It is very limited in it's apps.


----------



## UGADawgs79

lht285 said:


> She is pushing your buttons. She may be feeling a lack of attention, and this is her way of getting your attention. It is working.


I just got a text from her that reads: I don't know why ur being such an a**hole the past 2 days. Ur abusive.


----------



## turnera

Yep. Gaslighting.

You reply:
I am being a husband who expects his wife to put HIS concerns ahead of the concerns of some predator. Are you saying that HE is more important than ME?


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Yep. Gaslighting.
> 
> You reply:
> I am being a husband who expects his wife to put HIS concerns ahead of the concerns of some predator. Are you saying that HE is more important than ME?


I'm not replying. She called me 4 times on my lunch hour and I didn't answer.


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> I just got a text from her that reads: I don't know why ur being such an a**hole the past 2 days. Ur abusive.


"It is not abusive for a husband to ask for the name of a man who tried to seduce his wife. Calling me names and refusing to let me know who I need to protect my marriage from is abusive."

I'm crossing my fingers that she's just a giant b!tch and didn't cheat, but it's looking less likely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> I'm not replying. She called me 4 times on my lunch hour and I didn't answer.


If that's what sent her over the edge (calling you names), then certainly stick with it. It seems to be effective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree she is projecting or deflecting or something. 

If you want to write her back tell her "I simply asked you a question that you refuse to answer which makes me feel disrespected."

And say nothing more.


----------



## Jellybeans

WhereAmI said:


> "It is not abusive for a husband to ask for the name of a man who tried to seduce his wife. Calling me names and refusing to let me know who I need to protect my marriage from is abusive."


I like this.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> I'm not replying. She called me 4 times on my lunch hour and I didn't answer.



Keep it up , be ready for her next onslaught when you get home , if she starts verbally attacking you walk away . Keep control of yourself , your thoughts , your voice and body. If you choose to talk - think first . If she threatens divorce say nothing , the next day contact a lawyer and get the paperwork started . 

I still say out the guy and confront him; you have to shake this tree to get to the bottom of what is happening .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> I agree she is projecting or deflecting or something.
> 
> If you want to write her back tell her "I simply asked you a question that you refuse to answer which makes me feel disrespected."
> 
> And say nothing more.


I just texted this to her.


----------



## UGADawgs79

She replied: U mean ur still trying to manipulate me? have u once thought about how this makes ME feel?


----------



## Eli-Zor

Ignore her , your playing into her hands
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

She cannot accuse you of anything if you don't answer her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> She replied: U mean ur still trying to manipulate me? have u once thought about how this makes ME feel?


"Care to share? I know I would feel bad about keeping a secret from you, especially I knew that it caused you pain."
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA: Elizor is right. She's manipulating you by calling you manipulating. Ignoring is best.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

How not answering your simple question makes her feel?


Boy, something is not right here, at all.

Well, obviously. But her reactions are WAY out of proportion. It's clearly not just a case of her needing to be right or whatever.


----------



## this is bad

It'll be tough with that phone. You actually need the phone in your possession. I don't know if she'll give you a hard time for snooping.

I found a site bitpim dot org. It's free. Look over it, see if you think it'll help. Seems good. You'll need to connect phone to pc via usb.

I've read that you can also forward text messages. You input the email address were you would but the phone number. If the text have been deleted, then it's useless.


That phone seems to be CDMA. Doesn't have a sim but the following is worth a try. Anyone else out there that has one, could you try it out and let us know.

Another software I used is recuva. Also free. Not sure if it'll work in your case because of phone type, but it won't hurt to try. Scans micro sd/ mini sd, just about every memory card. Google and download it.

Same deal, connect the phone to pc via usb. It will show up under my computer as another drive. Launch recuva, select drive, check off deep scan (don't remember know) but there is an option and let it do it's magic.

This programs recovers pictures from memory cards that have been deleted or formatted. 

I was able to recover just about every picture that was sent back and forth. 

Sometime I wish I never would have seen them. I wonder sometime, what the he!! was the wife thinking......


----------



## UGADawgs79

WhereAmI said:


> "Care to share? I know I would feel bad about keeping a secret from you, especially I knew that it caused you pain."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> ETA: Elizor is right. She's manipulating you by calling you manipulating. Ignoring is best.


She turns my ignoring her into "what if something happens to the kids? oh I guess you don't care"


----------



## Hicks

UGADawgs79 said:


> She replied: U mean ur still trying to manipulate me? have u once thought about how this makes ME feel?


OK, how do you feel?


----------



## Eli-Zor

Your thinking to deeply ; if that argument is bought up babble back "I to am wondering how to tell the children you are protecting a man who is a predator on our marriage, and causing us to fight"

In the 180 the control will shift to you, she will create a stink , she will gaslight you , she will blame you. Remain stoic , be on you best behaviour , let her see by your actions you are the man she is sacrificing for her lack of honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> She turns my ignoring her into "what if something happens to the kids? oh I guess you don't care"


LOL! She's good. Just keep observing as she let's the crazy out. If she mentions this to you at home simply reply, "If there is an emergency I'll respond." Ignore whatever else she says to drag you into a fight. She'll likely respond with, "You won't know it's an emergency if you don't pick up the phone!" Ignore it, she knows how to text.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Btw : the 180 says you have to look happy even if it is tearing you apart inside . You have made your request for the OM's name , don't repeat it and don't falter on your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LonelyNLost

UGADawgs79 said:


> She replied: U mean ur still trying to manipulate me? have u once thought about how this makes ME feel?


Yeah, that's a wayward speaking alright. Geez. All about her, isn't it. Just tell her you are protecting your marriage, there's nothing being manipulated by you. Ask her how it makes her feel.


----------



## this is bad

I hope she's just pushing your buttons.

If you mention D, you better mean it. It took me weeks to accept loosing her. I did 180 and began to accept moving forward with my life without her. 
The reason for me to move on was for the resistance to NC, letter of NC, delete pic on phone, email notifications, no FB, transparency.
With time she agreed to all except the NC letter. I'll tell you something, I've never seen anything more powerful than someone having to write a NC letter. 

She wouldn't do it. I made up my mind, that without that letter, the door is always open for future contact. I wanted to squash that feeling. 

It wasn't until I said to her "thanks for the last 18yrs, for the kids, for the good times we had and the memories we made", "I want a D".

Boy oh boy, you want to talk about going from tough girl with thorns to delicate flower. That's when she began to come out of the fog. So it seems.

D should be a last resort.

Stay very calm and firm. No yelling, sarcassim, smart a$$ remarks. Just a calm, confident husband. Express how you feel and why you need that information. You're doing all this because you care about your marriage.


----------



## turnera

I hope you're not answering.

Do NOT get into a text war. She will use it against you.

And it's looking more and more like she's cheating; she is acting EXACTLY like a cheater acts when they know they're about to be exposed.

Or maybe you just never stood up to her before? She's used to you caving every time she tries to manipulate you, and for the first time, you're not caving? I hope that's all it is.


----------



## Almostrecovered

You NEED to get a hold of that phone somehow

in fact if she finally relents and gives you the name then I would ask for transparency next


----------



## Saffron

I agree with everyone that she sounds like a typical wayward trying to gaslight. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this type of behavior from your wife. She's trying so hard to make you the bad guy and the reason you're fighting. She can't seem to comprehend that it's her unwillingness to be transparent that is driving the wedge between you.

Stay firm and know you're doing the right thing by not rug sweeping or believing her bull$#!t. There is absolutley no reason she shouldn't tell you his name, she's either protecting him or scared you'll reveal more than she'd told you by contacting him. 

Good luck!


----------



## turnera

What would happen if you called her mother and told her what's going on? In some cases, that would help as the mom would chew her daughter out for being such a knucklehead; in other cases, she would side with her daughter and you'd know where she got it from...


----------



## Jellybeans

UGADawgs79 said:


> She replied: U mean ur still trying to manipulate me? have u once thought about how this makes ME feel?


She is being ridiculous. And still not answering. Grr. She's making this all so much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## this is bad

Read up on the 180....

She'll begin to see changes in you quickly. It's all about you vibe. Listen to the advise given. I was going about it wrong and finally understood how this works. 

Do not be a door mat.....


----------



## turnera

If I had to guess, she DID respond to him and flirted with him a little before cutting it off, and THAT is why she's terrified of you contacting him.


----------



## Jellybeans

I don't recommend threatening divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

And I agree with turner. She's acting like a cheater and her refusing to name him is makinh it look that way. Maybe she did flirt back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> I don't recommend threatening divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I don't want to do that either. She goes to class tonight as soon as I get home so I'll have a little time to install the new keylogger I bought today.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> She is being ridiculous. And still not answering. Grr. She's making this all so much worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex-fiance never made me this angry and she had all sorts of issues going on!


----------



## that_girl

Act like you don't give a crap. lol. Go out tonight and don't tell her where.

Yea, I'm being snarky.  Whut.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Your wife is triggering you , its great you vent here but not at home or in front of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> Your wife is triggering you , it great you vent here but not at home or in front of her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah you all have been a big help to me. I appreciate it! I guess it doesn't help that a hot nurse just moved into the house next door lol!


----------



## that_girl

I could start texting you and you could just say, "oh it's no one."

:rofl:

Kidding....

but honestly, I'd just act like I don't give a dam.


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> I could start texting you and you could just say, "oh it's no one."
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> Kidding....
> 
> but honestly, I'd just act like I don't give a dam.


that would be awesome lol - especially since I don't know our age gap!


----------



## Jellybeans

TG is right. U need to act like its not bothering you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

OR--- eff with her and say you know who it is and you are disgusted.

LOLLL Then just laugh it off....


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> OR--- eff with her and say you know who it is and you are disgusted.
> 
> LOLLL Then just laugh it off....


LOL that's funny!


----------



## turnera

Ooh, ooh! I know! Throw his first name into your conversation and then pretend you made a mistake. "I'll bet Bob wouldn't have liked you saying - oh, I mean, your brother - oh never mind..."


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Ooh, ooh! I know! Throw his first name into your conversation and then pretend you made a mistake. "I'll bet Bob wouldn't have liked you saying - oh, I mean, your brother - oh never mind..."


We talk about baby names all the time if we ever decide to have #4. Maybe I could say,"What do you think about the name (his name) for a boy?" lol


----------



## Shaggy

Why don't you get on FB yourself and friend him. If they are in contact she will freak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Shaggy said:


> Why don't you get on FB yourself and friend him. If they are in contact she will freak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's already removed him from FB. I logged into her account and checked.


----------



## Almostrecovered

in that 2 day period that I was uncovering stuff and was being gaslighted "just friends", I tried friend OM on facebook and he never accepted it, so that is certainly telling as to what he does.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ooh I like that shaggy! I wonder how long she's planning on going without saying anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's already removed him from FB. I logged into her account and checked.


He is gone from her fb. That doesn't mean they aren't in contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> She's already removed him from FB. I logged into her account and checked.


He saying friend him on YOUR FB. It's a good move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

WhereAmI said:


> He saying friend him on YOUR FB. It's a good move.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How is that a good move? I really don't want to have to do that.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> How is that a good move? I really don't want to have to do that.


 It's not
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

UGADawgs79 said:


> How is that a good move? I really don't want to have to do that.


If you're uncomfortable with it, don't do it. My thought is if she were to see that you friended him she may figure the jig is up and spill the beans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

WhereAmI said:


> If you're uncomfortable with it, don't do it. My thought is if she were to see that you friended him she may figure the jig is up and spill the beans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want her to spill the beans because she knows that it's the right thing to do to keep our marriage intact.


----------



## sigma1299

Man all you can do is go hard core 180, she's manipulating, gas lighting, blame shifting and just being a plain old turd. Stop playing her game - stop caring. Don't friend request the dude, don't ask her any more, don't tell her mom - just turn it all off. She'll go batsh!t crazy on you - I'll bet you a beer on it. Just ignore it or better yet give her one of those pity laughs. If she gets in your face - walk away with a smile. Sooner or later she'll crack. Get that key logger, maybe a VAR in her car, and hell I might just take her phone out of her hand or purse without so much as a please, if she's got it locked you're a long way to an answer. 

Stick to your guns and hang in there!! We're all rooting for you.


----------



## that_girl

Here's what you do:

You act like you don't give a flying eff.

You talk about some female colleague at work who you have to start working with on a one to one basis....

I will text you a few times in the evening.

See how she likes it. LOL Kidding. I don't know what you should do. I knwo if this was my husband, his shet would be on the porch. Buh bye.


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> Here's what you do:
> 
> You act like you don't give a flying eff.
> 
> You talk about some female colleague at work who you have to start working with on a one to one basis....
> 
> I will text you a few times in the evening.
> 
> See how she likes it. LOL Kidding. I don't know what you should do. I knwo if this was my husband, his shet would be on the porch. Buh bye.


You're funny! She would go NUTS if you texted me! Although I don't want to give her any reason to doubt me.


----------



## MrK

I think everyone needs to settle down a little here. I read this whole thing this morning, then just picked it up again and it had grown by 4 pages. The posts are getting shorter. It reads faster and faster and is building towards some HUGE confrontation which will result in divorce or orphans or something else tragic. 

Let's just consider all we know right now is that an old friend contacted her and made an inappropriate move on her. Ladies, how many times do you get hit on in a week? Anyone make inappropriate advances on facebook? She told her husband. Sure, it took a week to determine something was inappropriate enough to make that revelation, and he needs to find out why. But the texting games, the accusations of physical affairs like we KNOW she has regular sex outside of her marriage.

Put yourself in her shoes. She gets hit on by some creep. Decides to bring it to her husband and she's accused of being an adultress. Settle down, everyone.

OP. You've got to step back and take a big breath. Call a truce. "Honey, I have some questions for you as to how this whole thing went down, and I will need you to address them soon. It's bothering me and you need to know why". Think it over, settle down, get out of divorce mode and attack this whole thing from a slightly less intense direction.

That being said, something was going on in her little head for the month it took to discuss it with you. Why DIDN'T she bring it up to you immediately? What happened in that month that suddenly made it important? You've surely discussed the importance of old relationships. This one didn't make the cut of ones you needed to know about 10 years ago. But shucks, it suddenly popped up there again. Who is this guy? 

Any woman that would think to friend me on Facebook is a woman my wife has a right to know EVERYTHING about. 

You need to address it. Just take a breath. Get some sleep. Slow down a little. At least wait for something else. The keylogger. VAR. Looking at the cell phone bill. ANYTHING to add to what you already have, which happens to be squat.


----------



## UGADawgs79

MrK said:


> I think everyone needs to settle down a little here. I read this whole thing this morning, then just picked it up again and it had grown by 4 pages. The posts are getting shorter. It reads faster and faster and is building towards some HUGE confrontation which will result in divorce or orphans or something else tragic.
> 
> Let's just consider all we know right now is that an old friend contacted her and made an inappropriate move on her. Ladies, how many times do you get hit on in a week? Anyone make inappropriate advances on facebook? She told her husband. Sure, it took a week to determine something was inappropriate enough to make that revelation, and he needs to find out why. But the texting games, the accusations of physical affairs like we KNOW she has regular sex outside of her marriage.
> 
> Put yourself in her shoes. She gets hit on by some creep. Decides to bring it to her husband and she's accused of being an adultress. Settle down, everyone.
> 
> OP. You've got to step back and take a big breath. Call a truce. "Honey, I have some questions for you as to how this whole thing went down, and I will need you to address them soon. It's bothering me and you need to know why". Think it over, settle down, get out of divorce mode and attack this whole thing from a slightly less intense direction.
> 
> That being said, something was going on in her little head for the month it took to discuss it with you. Why DIDN'T she bring it up to you immediately? What happened in that month that suddenly made it important? You've surely discussed the importance of old relationships. This one didn't make the cut of ones you needed to know about 10 years ago. But shucks, it suddenly popped up there again. Who is this guy?
> 
> Any woman that would think to friend me on Facebook is a woman my wife has a right to know EVERYTHING about.
> 
> You need to address it. Just take a breath. Get some sleep. Slow down a little. At least wait for something else. The keylogger. VAR. Looking at the cell phone bill. ANYTHING to add to what you already have, which happens to be squat.


I have the OM's name, phone number, mailing address, parents name, and even his resume - all unknown to her. I'd say that's a little more than squat. The fact she mentioned she got drunk a few times with him makes me think something happened a long time ago.


----------



## sigma1299

That doesn't address that fact that she is still picking the OM over her H by refusing to reveal his name. That's a black and white issue. I have no idea if she's cheating or not but her own actions are what's calling it into question. 

Personally I couldn't live with the knowledge that some other guy was more important than me or the marriage. I said early on I wouldn't divorce over it, but I couldn't live with it either. I'm not sure what I'd do if she just would never tell me and it went on for months and months.


----------



## MrK

UGADawgs79 said:


> I have the OM's name, phone number, mailing address, parents name, and even his resume - all unknown to her. I'd say that's a little more than squat. The fact she mentioned she got drunk a few times with him makes me think something happened a long time ago.


No, that's exactly squat. 

And I got drunk with a lot of girls in college. I'll tell my wife about every one if she asks. Is there a problem that I haven't told her about all of them by now? Not at all.


----------



## sigma1299

MrK said:


> No, that's exactly squat.
> 
> And I got drunk with a lot of girls in college. *I'll tell my wife about every one if she asks*. Is there a problem that I haven't told her about all of them by now? Not at all.


There in lies the key difference and UGA's principle problem.


----------



## PHTlump

Don't try to get cute with the 180. It's an incredibly powerful tool all on its own. Letting the OM's name slip simply confirms you know who it is. That ends your game, but it doesn't win it. Interacting with other women is fine, even good. But you should never try to advertise that to your wife or hide it from her. Hiding implies wrongdoing, which wouldn't be true. Advertising implies wanting her jealous, which is needy.

Stop answering texts or calls. If she complains about you not answering texts, tell her that you read all her texts and if something is worthy of response, you'll respond. That way, if she asks you something about the kids (even a mundane, but necessary query) answer it right away. If she texts you more crap about what a jerk you are, ignore every single one of those texts. And don't bring them up later. As far as you're concerned, they never happened.

Schedule something this weekend for you and the kids, alone. If your wife asks to come, tell her you think it would be less stressful if she didn't. She seems to want to pick fights more than have fun right now. Tomorrow night, if she doesn't have class, leave the kids with her and go out on your own. If she asks where you're going, tell her "Out." Go have some fun and decompress.

The 180 will accomplish several things. The balance of power in your relationship was tilted in her favor. The 180 puts you back on even footing, or perhaps tilts the balance in your favor. It also is the best possible tool for annoying a gas lighting spouse. It takes all the air out of her sails. She's all geared up for a fight and she's not getting any fight out of you. But you're also not caving in. It's the worst outcome for her. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

Finally, it also distances you emotionally from her. By remaining neutral, it will be easier if you ultimately need to divorce. It will also be easier on your kids. They may hear your wife yelling through the wall, but they will never hear you yelling. They will see Dad remain cool, calm, and collected. They'll always feel safe and comforted with Dad.


----------



## Grayson

MrK said:


> No, that's exactly squat.
> 
> And I got drunk with a lot of girls in college. I'll tell my wife about every one if she asks. Is there a problem that I haven't told her about all of them by now? Not at all.


UGA *has* asked about this one, and gotten - to borrow a phrase - exactly squat in return. His W's reactions are what is making us file under "Things that make you go 'Hmmmmm.'"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

> Don't try to get cute with *the 180. It's an incredibly powerful tool all on its own.* Letting the OM's name slip simply confirms you know who it is. That ends your game, but it doesn't win it. Interacting with other women is fine, even good. But you should never try to advertise that to your wife or hide it from her. Hiding implies wrongdoing, which wouldn't be true. Advertising implies wanting her jealous, which is needy.


:iagree:



> Stop answering texts or calls. If she complains about you not answering texts, tell her that you read all her texts and if something is worthy of response, you'll respond.


:iagree::iagree:





> Schedule something this weekend for you and the kids, alone. If your wife asks to come, tell her you think it would be less stressful if she didn't. She seems to want to pick fights more than have fun right now. *T**omorrow night, if she doesn't have class, leave the kids with her and go out on your own. If she asks where you're going, tell her "Out." Go have some fun and decompress.*



Part of the 180 , make sure you are with friends she knows and don't mess around with any woman while out. 



> The 180 will accomplish several things. The balance of power in your relationship was tilted in her favor. The 180 puts you back on even footing, or perhaps tilts the balance in your favor. It also is the best possible tool for annoying a gas lighting spouse. It takes all the air out of her sails. She's all geared up for a fight and she's not getting any fight out of you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:




> Finally, it also distances you emotionally from her. By remaining neutral, it will be easier if you ultimately need to divorce. It will also be easier on your kids. They may hear your wife yelling through the wall, but they will never hear you yelling. They will see Dad remain cool, calm, and collected. They'll always feel safe and comforted with Dad.


Dam fine advice all the way through.

Do you have the 180? or do you require someone to post it for you.


----------



## PHTlump

MrK said:


> It reads faster and faster and is building towards some HUGE confrontation which will result in divorce or orphans or something else tragic.


I think you're the one that needs to slow down. I have been active in the conversation and there is absolutely nothing that points toward a Shakespearean ending. Divorce is possible at some point if this is left unresolved, although the OP has said he very much wants to avoid that.



MrK said:


> Let's just consider all we know right now is that an old friend contacted her and made an inappropriate move on her. Ladies, how many times do you get hit on in a week? Anyone make inappropriate advances on facebook?


We both agree that it was inappropriate. And we both agree that many women deal with unwelcome advances. But do you really think an invitation to a secret assignation 10 hours away from home is the same thing as some dude at the gym staring at your wife's ass? I sure as hell don't.



MrK said:


> Put yourself in her shoes. She gets hit on by some creep. Decides to bring it to her husband and she's accused of being an adultress. Settle down, everyone.


Again, she didn't get hit on. Getting hit on is, "How about we get a drink sometime?" That's pretty standard. It's not necessarily worth mentioning, although if asked, she should give the details.

She got the old, "How about you get on a plane and come swing from my chandeliers for the weekend without your husband knowing?" That's not pretty standard. I've never even heard of that as an opening line. That's what happens after weeks of online flirting and fantasizing. And if, by some unbelievable chance, it really was the first and only thing this guy said to her, it would absolutely be worth mentioning to her husband. As in immediately.

And the OP hasn't accused her of having an affair. His wife has accused him of accusing her. Interesting how that works.
"Honey, did you remember to buy milk today?"
"Are you accusing me of having an affair?! Well I'm not! You're such a jerk for not trusting me!"



MrK said:


> OP. You've got to step back and take a big breath. Call a truce. "Honey, I have some questions for you as to how this whole thing went down, and I will need you to address them soon. It's bothering me and you need to know why". Think it over, settle down, get out of divorce mode and attack this whole thing from a slightly less intense direction.


First off, Dawg is not the one escalating this. He is actually actively deescalating the situation. He isn't bringing it up. It's his wife who is on the attack here. You really think the problem is that the OP hasn't asked her in the right way yet? He's asked 100 times.



MrK said:


> You need to address it. Just take a breath. Get some sleep. Slow down a little. At least wait for something else. The keylogger. VAR. Looking at the cell phone bill. ANYTHING to add to what you already have, which happens to be squat.


It's not squat. He has her behavior. Her behavior is, by any standard and at a minimum, incredibly disrespectful to her husband. Continually refusing to give him the name of a man that she has admitted tried to damage or destroy the marriage is incredibly disrespectful. But that's not all. With her attacking demeanor, disrespect, and gas lighting, she is giving the classic appearance of a cheating spouse. Is it possible that she didn't have an affair, yes. Is it possible that a man stumbling out of a bar isn't drunk? Also yes. But it sure looks suspicious.


----------



## PHTlump

Eli-Zor said:


> Dam fine advice all the way through.


Thanks.



Eli-Zor said:


> Do you have the 180? or do you require someone to post it for you.


On page 16, I linked to a post in the "Lost" thread that contained the 180.


----------



## Voiceofreason

PHTlump said:


> I think you're the one that needs to slow down. I have been active in the conversation and there is absolutely nothing that points toward a Shakespearean ending. Divorce is possible at some point if this is left unresolved, although the OP has said he very much wants to avoid that.
> 
> 
> We both agree that it was inappropriate. And we both agree that many women deal with unwelcome advances. But do you really think an invitation to a secret assignation 10 hours away from home is the same thing as some dude at the gym staring at your wife's ass? I sure as hell don't.
> 
> 
> Again, she didn't get hit on. Getting hit on is, "How about we get a drink sometime?" That's pretty standard. It's not necessarily worth mentioning, although if asked, she should give the details.
> 
> She got the old, "How about you get on a plane and come swing from my chandeliers for the weekend without your husband knowing?" That's not pretty standard. I've never even heard of that as an opening line. That's what happens after weeks of online flirting and fantasizing. And if, by some unbelievable chance, it really was the first and only thing this guy said to her, it would absolutely be worth mentioning to her husband. As in immediately.
> 
> And the OP hasn't accused her of having an affair. His wife has accused him of accusing her. Interesting how that works.
> "Honey, did you remember to buy milk today?"
> "Are you accusing me of having an affair?! Well I'm not! You're such a jerk for not trusting me!"
> 
> 
> First off, Dawg is not the one escalating this. He is actually actively deescalating the situation. He isn't bringing it up. It's his wife who is on the attack here. You really think the problem is that the OP hasn't asked her in the right way yet? He's asked 100 times.
> 
> 
> It's not squat. He has her behavior. Her behavior is, by any standard and at a minimum, incredibly disrespectful to her husband. Continually refusing to give him the name of a man that she has admitted tried to damage or destroy the marriage is incredibly disrespectful. But that's not all. With her attacking demeanor, disrespect, and gas lighting, she is giving the classic appearance of a cheating spouse. Is it possible that she didn't have an affair, yes. Is it possible that a man stumbling out of a bar isn't drunk? Also yes. But it sure looks suspicious.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Jellybeans

Be cool. Don't press for any more information. Just talk about other things and be unemotional.

Don't bring it up again. Don't ask her about him. Don't threaten divorce. Don't give into her losing her sh*t (which she is totally doing). If she says you're being weird, tell her 'no I'm not. I don't want to get into a disagreement over this either. You already know why I feel disrespeted and ti's because I've asked you one question and you won't answer me. We are married and supposed to tell eachother everything." 

Then keep doing what you are doing. don't press further, don't get into a fight, don't lose your cool. 

I do think it's absolutely stupid she won't reveal his name to you.


----------



## turnera

Is she used to getting her way?


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Good advice here- don't lose your cool. Let her flip out. Don't sink to her level. You're in the right, here, and you've done nothing wrong.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh and a word of advice: the more calm you are, the more likely she is to flip out but don't sweat that--be cool as a cucumber. She will be the one looking like an a$$hole not you.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Here are the texts she sent me before her class started last night:

W: I can't believe you've been treating me this way for the past 2 days. I had no idea you were so manipulative, deceiving, cold and calculating. I'll at least be spending tomorrow night away, maybe Saturday too. I'm so hurt. You've apparently neglected to consider how I feel about this situation. Or, maybe you're just happy I'm hurting.

Me: I'm rightfully upseet and you can see why!

W: Yes, I can but you're upset with me and I haven't done anything! I have to go to class.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Is she used to getting her way?


Yes, she was spoiled by her parents as a kid and they still spoil her. I don't think she can go more than a few days without going over to their house. I usually give in so that the argument ends and we can get along with our lives.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Jellybeans said:


> Be cool. Don't press for any more information. Just talk about other things and be unemotional.
> 
> Don't bring it up again. Don't ask her about him. Don't threaten divorce. Don't give into her losing her sh*t (which she is totally doing). If she says you're being weird, tell her 'no I'm not. I don't want to get into a disagreement over this either. You already know why I feel disrespeted and ti's because I've asked you one question and you won't answer me. We are married and supposed to tell eachother everything."
> 
> Then keep doing what you are doing. don't press further, don't get into a fight, don't lose your cool.
> 
> I do think it's absolutely stupid she won't reveal his name to you.


I agree. I told her last night it appears to me like she's hiding something by not revealing the name. She also told me I'm acting like she's a wh$$$ by doing this.


----------



## Chaparral

UGADawgs79 said:


> I agree. I told her last night it appears to me like she's hiding something by not revealing the name. She also told me I'm acting like she's a wh$$$ by doing this.



I don't think anything is going on with her and OM but she's acting like there was. In effect she's acting like some one with a secret she's trying to hide. Like a (what she said). 

I would tell her all she's doing is making it worse and making it impossible to trust her.

Also, I would be doing a lot of digging, especially phone records and a cheap voice activated recorder in her car. Something just ain't right.


----------



## Chaparral

"I can't believe you've been treating me this way for the past 2 days. I had no idea you were so manipulative, deceiving, cold and calculating. I'll at least be spending tomorrow night away, maybe Saturday too. I'm so hurt. You've apparently neglected to consider how I feel about this situation. Or, maybe you're just happy I'm hurting."

Actually this is what you could have written. A really bad sign for her to be turning it around on you.

Maybe you should ask her who she's spent the night . (Assuming it was her parents)


----------



## UGADawgs79

chapparal said:


> "I can't believe you've been treating me this way for the past 2 days. I had no idea you were so manipulative, deceiving, cold and calculating. I'll at least be spending tomorrow night away, maybe Saturday too. I'm so hurt. You've apparently neglected to consider how I feel about this situation. Or, maybe you're just happy I'm hurting."
> 
> Actually this is what you could have written. A really bad sign for her to be turning it around on you.
> 
> Maybe you should ask her who she's spent the night . (Assuming it was her parents)


She always does that which ends up with me being the one to always apologize.


----------



## PHTlump

Since she has preempted you on going out, make arrangements for your kids to spend the night at her parents. You are not the nanny so that she can go have fun on her own.

You have Friday night plans yourself. And don't involve her in this decision. Call your in-laws today and schedule the babysitting. Tomorrow morning, pick up your kids and have a fun day with them. When your wife comes home, you want your kids to gush to her about how much fun they had with you. Too bad Mom's too busy pitching fits to come enjoy some family time.


----------



## UGADawgs79

She just sent me a new text message:

R u on a mission to hurt my feelings all week?


----------



## WhereAmI

Have you responded to her text about spending time away? She's doing her best to get you to give up and apologize. I think you should reply with, "I agree that spending time apart is best. Maybe Sunday, too." Show her you aren't scared to be without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

WhereAmI said:


> Have you responded to her text about spending time away? She's doing her best to get you to give up and apologize. I think you should reply with, "I agree that spending time apart is best. Maybe Sunday, too." Show her you aren't scared to be without her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't replied to it yet. I keep repeating how hurt I am she refuses to give up his name.


----------



## PHTlump

I think the best response is something like, "Thanks for giving me a heads up about the kids needing babysitting. Since I also have plans tonight, can you ask your parents if they would mind letting the kids stay over?"


----------



## UGADawgs79

She just gave me his name via text. It is the guy I have been investigating.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Text from her: Oh really? U haven't acted like a big baby jerk bc u didn't get ur way? Don't ever talk to me again.


----------



## this is bad

Stay firm. Don't give up. 

I'll be praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PHTlump

I think you should continue to ignore her. If she calls or texts again, tell her that you were honoring her wishes not to contact her.


----------



## sigma1299

Ok so you got the name - albeit via text, kinda chicken chit IMO - anyway I think at this point she owes you a good ole fashion apology for her behavior. Just an honest, "honey, I'm sorry I behaved like a spoiled rotten b!tch."

So, I'm with PHT again, I'd keep ignoring her. You've won the battle, but the war is still up for grabs.


----------



## Halien

UGADawgs79 said:


> Text from her: Oh really? U haven't acted like a big baby jerk bc u didn't get ur way? Don't ever talk to me again.


I think you have to be pretty firm that you will not tolerate such threats, but maybe that's just me. She's turning this whole incident into a very dangerous relationship killer, unless she is just incredibly superficial. I would suggest replying with a few points summarizing what has happened (She was asked to go out of town in secret to be with another man, delayed telling you, delayed de-friending him, then went undercover with his identity), and asking her if you are interpreting her ultimatum correctly, that this will be the narrative of your divorce?

You can follow this with your assurance that, unlike her, you are fighting for the marriage, openness, and trust that overrules her protection of the former friend.

Maybe this is just a gut reaction, and unwise, but she's steering this into a trust breaker, which will only lead to long term resentment on her part.


----------



## sigma1299

See - I'd respond very simply.... "K" I'd only wish I could be watching to see the steam shoot out of her ears.


----------



## Eli-Zor

As she has now told you his name out of courtesy to his next target expose him to his parents.

While I agree to ignoring her spiteful text messages a response to her texting his name should be her text followed by "thank you love you lots."

If she asks what you doing next be polite , speak to you later type stuff . Tone the conversation away from confrontation , ignore those texts that incite or seek a fight . If she asks you tonight simply say you will deal with him on your own . Keep running the 180 until her attitude changes , however I suggest you do send a basket of flowers or such like as a once off. If you can have it delivered today to her before you speak to her it places her in an awkward position and defuses any anger. If after this she is still angry your 180 will protect you.

Remember this is not a game of one upmanship this is you responding positively for positive action and stepping away when she is negative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


----------



## lordmayhem

UGADawgs79 said:


> She just sent me a new text message:
> 
> R u on a mission to hurt my feelings all week?


The classic blameshifting.


----------



## PHTlump

I think the next time you see her in person will be time for the "Come to Jesus" talk. She had better not use the D-word unless she damn well means it.

If she wants to divorce, tell her that you will oblige her. If she's throwing a tantrum and trying to get a reaction from you, then it's time for her pants-down spanking.

There's a new sheriff in town. You don't want to be married to Veruca Salt. You want to be married to an adult woman who respects you and values your marriage and family and is willing to join with you in protecting it against d0uchebags who want a weekend of sex.

Edit: As an alternative, you can keep running the 180 until she becomes civil. If she contacts you, just tell her you're waiting for her to be civil and demonstrate a commitment to your marriage. That may accomplish the same thing without the confrontation. Either way, there's no way you should go back to you giving in to her to keep the peace. The peace isn't that important.

The 180 may be the more effective approach for your wife. She didn't respond to your direct communication until you ran the 180 on her. My wife would demure if I confronted her. But your wife may thrive on the conflict and give in to the 180.

Good luck.


----------



## sigma1299

Eli-Zor said:


> As she has now told you his name out of courtesy to his next target expose him to his parents.
> 
> While I agree to ignoring her spiteful text messages a response to her texting his name should be her text followed by "thank you love you lots."
> 
> If she asks what you doing next be polite , speak to you later type stuff . Tone the conversation away from confrontation , ignore those texts that incite or seek a fight . If she asks you tonight simply say you will deal with him on your own . Keep running the 180 until her attitude changes , however I suggest you do send a basket of flowers or such like as a once off. If you can have it delivered today to her before you speak to her it places ber in an awkward position and defuses any anger. If after this she is still angry your 180 will protect you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I'm not sure I'd personally be man enough to do it - I think this is really good advice. Totally takes the wind out of her sails, if she continues the confrontation it's all on her.


----------



## UGADawgs79

She has yet to apologize to me for covering it up and relentlessly refusing to give me his name. It's all shifted to blaming me for being a horrible person and a big baby jerk.


----------



## sigma1299

She's gas lighting and blame shifting - don't buy into it. EVERYONE here thinks you're in the right. You can't get this much unanimity of opinion anywhere. The only "big baby jerk" is her.


----------



## Eli-Zor

At this stage forget the apology , you still want it but it can wait awhile. Respond positively if she reacts poorly it is her issue not yours. You have two fighters in a ring , sometimes you step back other times you jab and give a bloody nose. Sending a pleasant thank you and flowers is a step back , this is not you being a doormat , she now knows you are going to stand up and fight this .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

sigma1299 said:


> She's gas lighting and blame shifting - don't buy into it. EVERYONE here thinks you're in the right. You can't get this much unanimity of opinion anywhere. The only "big baby jerk" is her.


She told me last night that she's the mother of my children and why would she do anything like that?


----------



## UGADawgs79

New text from her: Ur actually suspicious of me? You'd actually think I'd ruin the lives of our children? Should I respond to that?


----------



## F-102

Tell her "You're doing it now by acting very selfishly and suspicious".


----------



## Eli-Zor

This is an ideal time to defuse this , Give it a little while and ask if you can take her out for lunch. She may decline or she may say yes. 

When with her on lunch state you are not suspicious of her you are however concerned by her actions as she was protecting a predator on your marriage . Don't let this spiral into an argument , your actions can change the tone of this quickly . Btw you are suspicious and should still be.

You have achieved the goal of her naming him, what is your next goal in your relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UGADawgs79

Eli-Zor said:


> This is an ideal time to defuse this , Give it a little while and ask if you can take her out for lunch. She may decline or she may say yes.
> 
> When with her on lunch state you are not suspicious of her you are however concerned by her actions as she was protecting a predator on your marriage . Don't let this spiral into an argument , your actions can change the tone of this quickly . Btw you are suspicious and should still be.
> 
> You have achieved the goal of her naming him, what is your next goal in your relationship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the only time in our 7 years of marriage I have ever had any reason to spy on her and become suspicious. She continues to send me texts saying how hurt and betrayed she feels.


----------



## Almostrecovered

that's some crazy logic, she lied by omission for months, she gave you a very good reason to mistrust


----------



## Eli-Zor

Did you send her the " thank you text ", as for the rest of the texts ignore them for all you know she is or was having an affair as her behaviour is off scale . This is not finished by a long way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_ terrible typos


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

If you have to respond (not sure if you should), just say something along the lines of "You didn't give me a reason to be suspicious until you stopped communicating with me" or something along those lines. OR even "not trying to huirt your feelings; trying to protect our marriage" or something.

You know, Eli-zor's lunch idea sounds pretty good. And his point about "what's your next goal?" Obviously communication isn't where you need it to be.


----------



## PHTlump

I like Eli-Zor's suggestions. Give a little tit for tat. She gave you the name, so you give her some contact. I would expect her to still be much too aggressive and antagonistic, so your contact won't be the loving kind that it would have been last week. But, talk to her calmly and civilly. And keep the focus of the conversation not on your actions, but WHY your actions were necessary.

You asked and she refused. You asked again 50 times and she refused 50 times. You told her about your feelings and she still refused. It wasn't until you stopped giving her the home atmosphere she wanted that she gave you the name. Tell her that's unhealthy.

A loving wife tries to give her husband comfort and reassurance because he needs it. An unloving wife doesn't give a crap about her husband's comfort and reassurance until he makes her life unpleasant.

Good luck.


----------



## eagleclaw

You might also drop his parents number, email, or something to show/tell her that you already knew, and know lots more and were waiting to see how much she would openly divulge to you on her own. Then wait and see what she tells you. If there is/was more going on you might catch her off guard and she might offer up more.


----------



## UGADawgs79

eagleclaw said:


> You might also drop his parents number, email, or something to show/tell her that you already knew, and know lots more and were waiting to see how much she would openly divulge to you on her own. Then wait and see what she tells you. If there is/was more going on you might catch her off guard and she might offer up more.


I'm not sure I want to do that now that she's given up the name. It might just make things worse.


----------



## UGADawgs79

New text from her:

I can't trust u anymore. I want u to know that. I've never been treated this badly. If ud asked me respectfully like you should treat your wife, I wouldve told u if u promised not to contact him. U made me feel like a sl**. I've never done anything to be treated that way by anyone, much less my husband.


----------



## Jellybeans

I say text her back and say "Thank you for finally telling me. I appreciate that. I was understandably upset because you were withholding something that I asked for."

I don't agree with those who are saying to EXPOSE. There is nothing to expose (and hopefully there won't be either). You have zero proof of an affair, jsut that this guy is a creep and your wife told you about what he said. Granted, it is suspect she didn't want to tell you his name, but now she has so roll with it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh and off topic: what does it mean when someone says "Come to Jesus" or "Have a Come to Jesus talk?"

Have always wondered this.


----------



## Jellybeans

Your wife is going way f-cking overboard with this, saying how she feels like a sl-t/wh-re and doesn't trust you when you did nothing wrong.

Eff that. 

SHe is projecting a LOT. 

Tell her "And I have never thought you would withhhold anything from me in our marriage, after I have asked you multiple times. I do appreciate you telling me now. Thank you."


----------



## Almostrecovered

Jellybeans said:


> Your wife is going way f-cking overboard with this, saying how she feels like a sl-t/wh-re and doesn't trust you when you did nothing wrong.
> 
> Eff that.
> 
> SHe is projecting a LOT.
> 
> Tell her "And I have never thought you would *keep secret*s from me in our marriage, after I have asked you multiple times. I do appreciate you telling me now. Thank you."


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> Yes, she was spoiled by her parents as a kid and they still spoil her. I don't think she can go more than a few days without going over to their house. I usually give in so that the argument ends and we can get along with our lives.


 Ahhhh...the plot thickens!

Maybe now is a good time to start pulling those cushions out from under her pampered butt. Let her start seeing what living like a responsible adult (consequences and all) is all about.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGADawgs79 said:


> New text from her:
> 
> I can't trust u anymore. I want u to know that. I've never been treated this badly. If ud asked me respectfully like you should treat your wife, I wouldve told u if u promised not to contact him. U made me feel like a sl**. I've never done anything to be treated that way by anyone, much less my husband.



There will be truth in this , ask yourself did you ask her respectfully or did you go in guns blazing.

Why would she not want you to contact him? She should be agreeing to you defending her.

I suspect the rest is her anger because she has had to give his name up .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

All you can do is let her vent you missed the chance to defuse this when she sent the name .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> She continues to send me texts saying how hurt and betrayed she feels.


 That is because YOU have set a pattern of acquiescence. She is SO used to getting her way and bullying you into doormat status that this one time you didn't, you have her in meltdown mode. 

The ONLY THING SHE KNOWS is to get you back under control. It's all she's known her entire life. 

Now is the time for you to be a man, for you to lead the family, to take the reins away from her parents and become the HEAD of THIS family, and show her how responsible adults act. 

Turn the page, man.

Take the high road, do NOT cave and do NOT let her drag you down into a conversation - history deems that YOU end up begging HER forgiveness.

Show here there's another way. She NEEDS you to do this. Spoiled brat princesses are NOT happy; show her what a real, humble, free-loving, EQUAL adult woman is like.


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> New text from her:
> 
> I can't trust u anymore. I want u to know that. I've never been treated this badly. If ud asked me respectfully like you should treat your wife, I wouldve told u if u promised not to contact him. U made me feel like a sl**. I've never done anything to be treated that way by anyone, much less my husband.


Reply:
I understand why you feel that way. You've been given everything you want your whole life, and it's unnerving to find out you can't control everything.

I haven't made YOU feel like anything. All I've done is ask for the name of a predator who was harming my marriage and continue to ask it from the woman who says she loves me, but chose to protect the predator at my expense.


----------



## turnera

Eli-Zor said:


> All you can do is let her vent you missed the chance to defuse this when she sent the name .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I agree.


----------



## sigma1299

UGA - she's trying to crush you into accepting blame and you apologizing to her - don't do it. I agree with others it's time to turn off the conflict with her but don't let her force you into accepting blame. She withheld the guys name, even if you asked her in a fit of rage she should have given it to you the first time you asked. I'm not sure what's up with her. The only comparison I can draw is to that of a spoiled kid who for the first time isn't getting their way. You got the name, I say turn off the 180, be nice to her, and ignore the drama. She'll get tired of it and give up eventually. 




Jellybeans said:


> Oh and off topic: what does it mean when someone says "Come to Jesus" or "Have a Come to Jesus talk?"
> 
> Have always wondered this.


A "Come to Jesus Meeting" is when I sit down with an employee and say if you don't do this you're going to get fired and fast. It means you need to either "see the light and come to Jesus" or you're about to suffer rapture - make sense?


----------



## sadcalifornian

The positions you two take are radically different. You consider this as a possible affair situation and demand info on OM. She on the other hand consider this as an innocent situation and her H is just being controlling and manipulating, thus hurting her.

In order to strengthen your bargaining position, you should just start calling this situation an "Affair". Next time you engage in this conversation, just call it that. Then, she will be put in a defensive mode where onus is on her to prove her innocence. 

If she says you are making a big deal out of nothing. You can say "how can any reasonable H consider this kind of affair situation nothing and just dismiss it?"

If she says you are being manipulative, you can say "I don't mean to. But, I need to know the truth on who this guy is and what has been really going on? If you had casually given me his info, I would have little to worry. But, since you tried so hard to cover his identity, now I know you have a reason to hide his identity. So, tell me what is your history with this guy?"

If she says you are hurting her, you can say "No, you are hurting 'me' by trying to hide this affair."

You can also say, "you and him must have quite a history that you fight so hard to cover his identity. What is it that you are trying to hide, taking matters to this extreme."

"If there is truly nothing, and this is just a stranger or 'nobody" hitting on you, where I as your H am rightfully concerned, you would have given me what you know about this guy willingly. Yet, you suddenly acted very very strangely only to convince me there is something going on here. And, this is just a tip of iceberg."

"You ask me why you would hurt your own family's well being by having an affair. Actually that is my question to you. Why? Why are you trying to destroy our family by covering his identity and keep me in dark? You claim there is nothing going on, but how would I know? How would I know if you have not replied to him with some other means? What was it that has been going on between you two that he can send such inviting message so casually to you knowing you are married with kids?"

These are the lines I would use to get back to her. You don't have to use the exact quotes, but I want you to get the general attitude of it, and also I think you should stop telling her that you suspect this or that. You should just assume this is an "affair", and mention it in such way in your communication. 

Or, if you truly think this is a tip of iceberg, then I actually recommend you to stop this line of conversation and go quiet monitoring her for a while if she indeed does communicate with him. If there is indeed something going on, and you keep jabbing her like this will only make her go deep underground or go NC for a while planning to resume it some time later. This is your choice.


----------



## that_girl

She's a manipulating control freak.

I'd have serious issues with this...probably to the point of it really dividing me and my husband.


----------



## Dadof3

I would only add one part to what SadC says if you choose to text her those (which are EXCELLENT BTW).

If you call it an affair - be clear to her that an affair doesn't always mean physical aspect (or the one she's implying that you are implying making her feel like a s*ut or wh*re - that there are "emotional" ones too that hurt just as bad. )


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> She's a manipulating control freak.
> 
> I'd have serious issues with this...probably to the point of it really dividing me and my husband.


Come to think of it she is a control freak. She always picks the time of day to have arguments. Usually when I'm lying in bed about to fall asleep.


----------



## turnera

She does what works. Only pick on you when you're vulnerable.

Are you ready to start being the man of the house?


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> New text from her:
> 
> I can't trust u anymore. I want u to know that. I've never been treated this badly. If ud asked me respectfully like you should treat your wife, I wouldve told u if u promised not to contact him. U made me feel like a sl**. I've never done anything to be treated that way by anyone, much less my husband.


Text her that you will not let her turn this around. That she needs to be the one to say that she is sorry for not respecting your rights as her husband and for protecting the other man over the marriage. Tell her that you would have thanked her for finally doing the right thing, but that her recent texts prevent you from being able to do that. 

Also tell her that you have every right to contact the other man should you decide to do so and that there will be no further discussion of your right to do so. Additionally, if you have a non-snoopy way that you can say that you obtained the OM name tell her now that you already had the other man's name, if you do not have a non-snoopy way then do not tell her or she will go deeper underground the next time.


----------



## turnera

Note that I'm not saying to start NOW in changing your dynamics. You've got your plate full diffusing this situation.

For now, the best thing to do is back off
do NOT engage in texts with her (just say 'busy, will talk later' - she can't argue with your need to do your job)
do NOT accept any blame cos she will run with it
continue to repeat your side - you would not give the name of a predator
tell her you understand how she feels (but go no further than that)
if you do get into a conversation, simply state that you cannot accept your wife withholding the name of a predator


----------



## WhereAmI

TRy said:


> Text her that you will not let her turn this around. That she needs to be the one to say that she is sorry for not respecting your rights as her husband and for protecting the other man over the marriage. Tell her that you would have thanked her for finally doing the right thing, but that her recent texts prevent you from being able to do that.
> 
> Also tell her that you have every right to contact the other man should you decide to do so and that there will be no further discussion of your right to do so.


I agree. Making it clear that you know you've done no wrong is the way to go. You don't need to say this more than once then let her scream and rant all she wants. If she decides to leave, agree with her that it's best. Things are going to get worse before they get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Dealing With a Controlling Wife
By: Rachel Mork
http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/red-flags-relationship/controlling-wife-2.shtml

If you have a controlling wife, you may feel smothered. Controlling spouses are difficult to deal with, but if you understand the root of the problem, you may be able to change the dynamic of the relationship.

Most relationship problems are rooted in cyclical patterns that must be broken in order for real change to follow. The key to improving your relationship with your controlling wife is to figure out why she feels the need to be in control, diffuse or confront the issues behind her controlling behavior and establish a new pattern of interaction. While that may sound simple, this can be very challenging to live out.

Ask Questions
The first thing you need to do is figure out why your wife feels the need to be in control. Keep a journal of power struggles or episodes in which she exhibits controlling behavior.

Look for an opportunity to discuss these situations, asking questions to find out why she feels the need to control you or the situation. A new mother may be controlling regarding the baby, for instance, because she fears you don't know what to do with the infant. A woman who has always had to scrape by to make ends meet may feel the need to control the finances. A woman who is insecure may control conversations because she's afraid you might say something that will embarrass her.

Express your desire to understand the feelings of your controlling wife. As you do so, keep your questions neutral and refrain from confronting her. Try to figure out what is driving her to be controlling, and try to see the situation from her perspective.

Tell Her How You Feel
When you are pretty sure you know why your wife feels the need to be in control, you need to tell her how you feel about these issues. For example, if your wife is controlling with the baby, you may need to tell her that this makes you feel like she doesn't respect you as a father, or that this makes you feel like you are not allowed to learn how to be a parent by trial and error - just like she has had to. If she is controlling with finances, let her know how this makes you feel - perhaps like she does not trust you to be responsible or like she is not working with you as a partner, and you want to tackle your finances as a team. Make sure you express your desire to be equal partners and to work together, then explain how her controlling makes you feel belittled or disrespected. Be specific about what things she says or does that make you feel this way, and be sure to follow up with gratitude for situations where she trusted you or did not make you feel this way. Keep the conversation calm and positive by talking primarily about how you feel, what you appreciate and what you need.

Try to Prevent a Power Struggle With a Controlling Wife
Look for ways to prevent a power struggle before it happens. If your wife is anxious about your ability as a parent, try reading parenting books, attending parenting workshops or asking her questions about how she believes your child should be raised. If she is controlling with finances, set up an appointment with a financial advisor for the two of you, schedule times to go through bills together each month or come up with a budget together. If you take the initiative and show you care about resolving this issue, she will respect you more - and hopefully relax and stop trying to control things so much.

Get Help From a Therapist
If your wife's controlling behavior is serious enough to threaten the stability of the relationship, initiate an appointment with a therapist to seek relationship advice. Just the fact that you are so serious about this subject that you are willing to seek professional help may shock her into realizing she needs to listen to your concerns.


----------



## MrK

You people have turned a minor pissing contest into a near divorce. OP. Try this:

"Honey, sorry about the drama, but I took some pretty bad advice from some people who are usually pretty rational. Sorry about that. But I still have some problems with the way this whole thing went down. Will you please talk to me about it rationally now?"

I mean, Christ. Go back and read this thread./ Some predator hits on her on facebook and it turns into possible divorce. He needs to pull 180's and go NC. Expose this guy to his parents? REALLY? He's out of her life. He was BARELY IN HER LIFE. 

Have a nice calm talk with your wife about boundaries and let it go. Your lucky she's NOT going to fly down to see him. Just to get out of this mess you've made for her.

Just because he came to us in the coping forum, doesn't mean he's been wronged. It doesn't automatically mean divorce is in the cards. Think about it. When does a poster EVER get told that maybe there's NOT something going on. A gut is NOT always right, despite what some of you say.


----------



## turnera

She's a spoiled princess who always gets her way and pounces on him at bedtime to ensure she wins the fights. For once, she didn't win. She hates it. End of story.


----------



## that_girl

Just tell her to eff off. Tell her you're going out. lol. Seriously. Go to a movie or something. This is BS...you need a break.


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree with Mr. K (on some points). 

Thank her for telling you, that you appreciate it and that you were disappointed when she withheld the information you asked for.

That's it.

When you get home and if she goes off on you, tell her you don't want to argue, you just were upset because she wasn't forthcoming. Tell her in the future, that when you ask something you will appreciate her being honest from the get-go. It's not much to ask for. And she can expect the same from you. 

She is definitely lashing out for some ridiculous reason, IMO, and my advise is to NOT accept any blame for "making" her feel bad. She feels that way all on her own.

Obviously what happened was not good (her not telling you) so you guys should discuss it further, leaving your emotions out of it (no need to get upset and yell and scream at eachother). She needs to realize that her not telling you was fcked up. It's not like you told her that if she didn't hand over all of her life's savings to you that you were going to divorce her. She overreacted. A lot.


----------



## that_girl

MrK said:


> You people have turned a minor pissing contest into a near divorce. OP. Try this:
> 
> "Honey, sorry about the drama, but I took some pretty bad advice from some people who are usually pretty rational. Sorry about that. But I still have some problems with the way this whole thing went down. Will you please talk to me about it rationally now?"
> 
> I mean, Christ. Go back and read this thread./ Some predator hits on her on facebook and it turns into possible divorce. He needs to pull 180's and go NC. Expose this guy to his parents? REALLY? He's out of her life. He was BARELY IN HER LIFE.
> 
> Have a nice calm talk with your wife about boundaries and let it go. Your lucky she's NOT going to fly down to see him. Just to get out of this mess you've made for her.
> 
> Just because he came to us in the coping forum, doesn't mean he's been wronged. It doesn't automatically mean divorce is in the cards. Think about it. When does a poster EVER get told that maybe there's NOT something going on. A gut is NOT always right, despite what some of you say.


Who said divorce? I didn't see that.

All I know is his wife was being ridiculous with holding out on giving the man the name. For eff sake...she could have diffused this a week ago but felt the need to carry on this coy game.

lame.


----------



## PHTlump

MrK said:


> You people have turned a minor pissing contest into a near divorce. OP.


So you think that husbands should accept other men inviting their wives to sexcapade weekends by helping their wives sweep it under the rug?



MrK said:


> I mean, Christ. Go back and read this thread./ Some predator hits on her on facebook and it turns into possible divorce. He needs to pull 180's and go NC. Expose this guy to his parents? REALLY? He's out of her life. He was BARELY IN HER LIFE.


I think you need to read the thread. This wasn't about the other man. Forget him. This was about a wife who gets an invitation that, on a scale of inappropriateness of 1-10, was an 11. She hid that invitation for a month and then refused to tell her husband who made the invitation.

And exactly how did Dawg get the name from his wife? Did he get it by following your advice of giving his wife exactly what she was demanding? No. He got the name by implementing the 180 and giving his wife some negative consequences for her blatant disrespect.



MrK said:


> Just because he came to us in the coping forum, doesn't mean he's been wronged. It doesn't automatically mean divorce is in the cards. Think about it. When does a poster EVER get told that maybe there's NOT something going on. A gut is NOT always right, despite what some of you say.


I think you may be right. Although I have never heard of someone stupid enough to suggest a weekend of sex instead of a, "Hi, how are you. It's been a long time." It is possible that this guy has absolutely no history with Dawg's wife.

But again, that's not the issue. The issue is that Dawg's wife turned his request for a name into a nuclear sh!t test. And when your wife throws a sh!t test at you, you need to pass it. And you don't pass it by giving in and letting her have her way. That is the way to divorce. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next day. But a husband who can't pass sh!t tests is a husband who commands no respect from his wife. And no woman wants to be married to a man she doesn't respect.


----------



## Jellybeans

What is a sh!t test?


----------



## turnera

You know, Dawg, if she brings it up again, just calmly say 'You know what, maybe you're right. I'm going to set up an appointment with a marriage counselor and we can see what she thinks about the whole thing. What night works for you?'


----------



## sigma1299

turnera said:


> You know, Dawg, if she brings it up again, just calmly say 'You know what, maybe you're right. I'm going to set up an appointment with a marriage counselor and we can see what she thinks about the whole thing. What night works for you?'


Now there's an idea - can I bring a chair and watch???


----------



## PHTlump

Jellybeans said:


> What is a sh!t test?


A sh!t test is another name for a fitness test. It is basically when a woman tests a man to see whether he will take her sh!t.

Passing it means you stand up for yourself and refuse to cave in to her unreasonable demands. In this case, Dawg asked for a name and his wife has responded with everything from he's accusing her of being a wh0re, to telling him she is leaving the house for an indeterminate amount of time, to telling him to never talk to her again. In each case, she is waiting for him to cave. She wants him to call her and apologize and take her out to her favorite restaurant as a reward for her not continuing to punish him. If Dawg does that, he fails the test.

In order to pass, he stands his ground and tells her that he will engage her in a loving fashion when she is acting reasonably. So far, he is passing her test.


----------



## turnera

MC actually has a lot of benefits. It will look like you are working to improve the marriage; she can't hold that against you. She won't be able to manipulate a stranger like she does you. She won't be able to browbeat you in her presence; the MC will keep it fair. She'll likely be told that what she did was unconscionable and it may actually be an eye opener for her. If you somehow get her to go back, you may be able to start implementing some improvements in a healthy, sanctioned way so that BOTH of you can reach a greater happiness.


----------



## UGADawgs79

My wife and I were texting over my lunch hour. She is reluctant to give in to me:

W: If u EVER listened ud know that i said it was bc i didn't want u to contact him & u admitted u would. What u did will never be ok.

Me: Do you blame me? WHY WOULDN'T I want to call him out? You are MY wife not his! He needed to be told off!

W: Nothing about how u acted is justified.

Me: Nothing about how you continually refusing to give me his name is either.

W: Only bc u were going to contact him & there was no point! U should be begging me to forgive u, not making it worse.

Me: What husband would not want to contact a dumba$$ like that and tell him to **** off?!? You should be flattered I am thi supset and determined to protect us!

W: I'm thankful for that - but the silent trtmt, punishing me, manipulating & threatening, I don't appreciate.

Me: I had nothing to say to you until you were willing to tell me. I am glad you told me.

W: And now I have nothing to say to u if u don't see what u did wrong.


----------



## sigma1299

UGADawgs79 said:


> W: Only bc u were going to contact him & there was no point! *U should be begging me to forgive u*, not making it worse.


Kinda says it all right there doesn't it??


----------



## Jellybeans

You should be begging her? What a joke.

Oh the entitlement. Oh boy. 

*W: And now I have nothing to say to u if u don't see what u did wrong. *

Response: I did not do anything wrong. I was trying to protect my marriage.


----------



## sadcalifornian

Call it an affair, and put her in a defensive mode. What you are doing is running in a circle with petty argument like teenagers. Of course I side with you and she is not justified with her action or inaction for that, but you are not getting anywhere with this line of conversation. 

Tell her "I suspect this an affair, and I had to know the truth. My contacting him or not is not the big issue. Your having this affair contact with him and trying to hide his identity is the core of the issue. Do not change the subject! Why did you try to hide his identity? What has been going on with this guy?"

Even if you don't believe anything has been going on, by accusing her of that, you put her in a defensive mode and get your line of conversation out of this meaningless cycle of babbling.


----------



## PHTlump

I don't agree with accusing her of an affair right now. That is escalating the conflict, which she wants. She's ready for that.

What she ultimately wants is for you to back down. As long as you don't do that, you continue to come out on top.

Remember one of the tenets of the 180. "Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do." She has repeatedly said she doesn't want to communicate. And yet, she keeps communicating.

I think you should scale back your communication. For every 3 texts she sends, send 2 back. Texting, "You were wrong. No, you were wrong." isn't getting you anywhere. Move forward with a marriage counselor. Just make an appointment and inform her when it will be. If she balks, then you can put her on the defensive about why she doesn't want to get past this.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera

Agreed. 

You waited a month to tell me.
When you did tell me you refused to give me his name, supposedly to protect him from my manly force. 
Was it really to protect yourself from me finding out from him there was more to it?

Honestly, dude, just stop texting her. You only dig yourself in more hot water that she WILL use against you. It's all she knows.

IGNORE HER.


----------



## aug

sadcalifornian said:


> Call it an affair, and put her in a defensive mode. What you are doing is running in a circle with petty argument like teenagers. Of course I side with you and she is not justified with her action or inaction for that, but you are not getting anywhere with this line of conversation.
> 
> Tell her "I suspect this an affair, and I had to know the truth. My contacting him or not is not the big issue. Your having this affair contact with him and trying to hide his identity is the core of the issue. Do not change the subject! Why did you try to hide his identity? What has been going on with this guy?"
> 
> Even if you don't believe anything has been going on, by accusing her of that, you put her in a defensive mode and get your line of conversation out of this meaningless cycle of babbling.



This. Making it look like an affair may get her to see your viewpoint. 




> W: Only bc u were going to contact him & there was no point! U should be begging me to forgive u, not making it worse.


She's digging in her position. And you're going round and round on her point. 

Shift the discussion.


----------



## sigma1299

As much as I'm rooting for UGA to crush his wife into submission and realizing what b!tch she's being I think we may be past the point where the UGA needs to stop listening to us and manage this the best way HE knows how. At this point this is kind of like trying to tell someone how to drive on an icy road - you just can't do it. You've got to intuitively know how to respond. Currently He's reading our advice, turning to his wife and getting a reaction, and coming back here to for our opinion on how to yank the wheel. It's already spinning out of control and I think may be about to hit a tree. 

UGA - Clearly you know how the majority of us feel and generally what we think you should do. Personally I'll be more than happy to give my opinion on any specific question you've got but it's time for you to follow you instinct and handle this your own way. After all when it's over we'll all disappear back into the internet and it will still be you and your wife looking at each other.

Best of luck Man!!


----------



## StrangerThanFiction

I would hesitate to call it an affair if no evidence of an affair is present, but maybe that’s just me. What is central is his wife completely disrespecting his request with her game.
If it were me, I would consider the following:

Dear Wife.

Thank you for telling me the name of the man who sent you the message on facebook. It was thoughtful of you to tell me that an individual had contacted you in this wildly inappropriate way. Since I have never been suspicious of your behavior or intentions, I would not have known about this message otherwise. I appreciate you being forthcoming with this.

But, it is unfortunate that the situation had to escalate to this point. I still do not understand your need to hide his name from me for so long after repeated requests. The fact that it took so long for you to tell me made me feel extremely disrespected. My goal is to protect our marriage and to me it felt that you were placing the protection of this other person (who was behaving VERY out of line) ahead of your husband’s concerns. Why is this? I still don’t understand and you haven’t given me any explanation for this. Why is it that you are more concerned with him and his feelings than your husband’s?

As you can see, now that you’ve given me the name I’ve remained calm and have not contacted this person, although I believe it would be my right to do so. I want to know his name to make sure that this predator stays out of our marriage. That is all, and it is important and justified. You say that my asking you to provide his name caused you to feel like a “*****” and a “****” in front of the children. This is not how I feel about you and asking for this person’s name does not mean that I think you were doing anything wrong. I believe that the real reason you became furious is because I would not back down from my very reasonable request. 

What is most important to me now is to have our marriage be one of mutual love and respect. I would like us to seek marriage counseling to get some of the help we need to make this happen. I love you and want to make this work. I will not settle for letting things like this continue to exist in our lives since will only lead to bitterness and resentment.

Love,
Mr. Dawg

Oh and I would continue to monitor of course.


----------



## turnera

Very nice.


----------



## turnera

Speaking of monitoring, what happened last night?


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Speaking of monitoring, what happened last night?


I got the new keylogger set up on her PC and a version to read the reports set up on mine. I got an email at about 10 am this morning (it was a report). Once she leaves the house again I will review it.


----------



## turnera

I hope you don't see a 'he knows your name now' on it.

In the meantime, stay aloof, do NOT get dragged down into anything, thank her for telling you, understand her viewpoint, but stay strong about NOT apologizing. I know it will be hard, as you've been conditioned to do so! But you are at a crossroads right now, and you have a great opportunity to have a 'reason' to change the course of your marriage, so that you no longer get cowed into toeing the line. 

And, if she continues to do this _all day long_, make it clear to HER that YOU need some space from what SHE is doing, and that you plan to take the night off, have plans.


----------



## turnera

Do you work from the house?


----------



## that_girl

I need popcorn for this thread.


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> W: And now I have nothing to say to u if u don't see what u did wrong.


Tell her that if another woman asks you to sleep with her, that you have no doubt that she as your wife would want to know the name of the other woman. Tell her that to say otherwise would just be dishonest. Then tell her you expect an apology from her for putting both of you through this for no good reason.

BTW, good job. You passed her test big time. Way too often I read sad stories by husbands that do not man up and stand for what is right. Glad to see that this was not one of them.


----------



## UGADawgs79

TRy said:


> Tell her that if another woman asks you to sleep with her, that you have no doubt that she as your wife would want to know the name of the other woman. Tell her that to say otherwise would just be dishonest. Then tell her you expect an apology from her for putting both of you through this for no good reason.
> 
> BTW, good job. You passed her test big time. Way too often I read sad stories by husbands that do not man up and stand for what is right. Glad to see that this was not one of them.


Yeah well she is still trying to turn things on me so I wouldn't applaud me just yet. She told me I made her very sad this week.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> Do you work from the house?


No, I work about 15 minutes away


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> Yeah well she is still trying to turn things on me so I wouldn't applaud me just yet. She told me I made her very sad this week.


Turn it right back at her. Tell her how sad you are about the way she acted and by the mean things that she said to you all week.


----------



## that_girl

OMG just stop the madness.

Stop responding to her. Stop all this drama. She isn't hearing it and it's driving you insane. 

Just....be.


----------



## UGADawgs79

that_girl said:


> OMG just stop the madness.
> 
> Stop responding to her. Stop all this drama. She isn't hearing it and it's driving you insane.
> 
> Just....be.


I didn't respond to it. It's nonsense.


----------



## that_girl

YAY! You should go out tonight. You deserve a break.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I agree that situation needs to be diffused. 

"I'll be happy to discuss this calmly face to face when you're ready" 

might be the best course of action for now


----------



## Dadof3

Interesting narrative, Dawg. 

While this thread is specifically about the OM name, I think the overall problem is much larger than getting the OM name. I recognize this type of behavior from personal experience, and let me just say - this will take a while to change.

The most effective thing you can do, in my opinion, is to read "No More Nice Guy", "Hold on to your NUTS", and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". Implementing the advice from these books was one of the most effective things I ever did for my marriage. I finally figured out that the biggest problem in the marriage was *ME*, although our dynamic was similar to yours.

Have a heart to heart with your wife - you don't need to apologize or grovel, help her understand why you did what you did, and what she can expect from you in the future. She may indicate a strong dislike for this initially, but if you implement the approaches in the books, and she starts to see consistency in your actions as a man - not a boy (I didn't learn this until half way through my 39th year of life), she will start to come around and give you the respect that you deserve. 

This will do wonders for your relationship. Even with her own faults, it won't matter till you've pulled the "mite" or "beam" out of your own eye first. Your wife needs confidence in your ability to lead and provide her with the security she needs. 

This will help solve the over-reliance on her parents too. There's a reason why she runs home when things get tough. She wants security in the worse kinda way. If she ever did play with the temptation of chatting up this OM, its all related (not that its an excuse), but she's looking for a man who can stand up (to her) and protect her from anything. 

Kinda rambling here, yet I see strong parallels to my own marrital history, and wanted to share with you. BTW, I have to say, my marriage has never been BETTER since implementing the strategies in those books. I'm not 100% consistent yet (still do BETA stuff overly occasionally), but the wife likes who I've become and she works with me the way I've always desired, and treats me with respect again. 

Good luck DAWG.


----------



## turnera

Dadof3 is exactly right. And I agree. Read those books this weekend.


----------



## Jellybeans

UGADawgs79 said:


> Yeah well she is still trying to turn things on me so I wouldn't applaud me just yet. She told me I made her very sad this week.


And flip it right back on her. "You made me very sad when you refused to give up the creep's name who invited you to spend the weekend w/ him and not tell me."


----------



## Jellybeans

TRy said:


> Tell her that if another woman asks you to sleep with her, that you have no doubt that she as your wife would want to know the name of the other woman. Tell her that to say otherwise would just be dishonest. Then tell her you expect an apology from her for putting both of you through this for no good reason.


Yes! This!


----------



## turnera

UGADawgs79 said:


> No, I work about 15 minutes away


 I was just wondering why you were waiting til after work to read the report.


----------



## UGADawgs79

turnera said:


> I was just wondering why you were waiting til after work to read the report.


I have to download the keylogger to read the reports and my work PC blocks software downloads.


----------



## this is bad

Before you guys talk, have a quick prayer. Make sure you both are calm. At that moment, you'll be able to speak the right words.

Don't apologize or pressure her. Just be calm and confident.

You can do it......


----------



## turnera

Dawg, as you prepare to go home, please keep in mind that she has been sitting there all day long, stewing and stewing and stewing...and planning.

She is going to make you pay. Bad.

The best way to avoid tonight becoming a fiasco is if you go home with one thing in mind: NOT getting drawn into her trap.

Do not talk unless you have to. 
Do not reply to her taunts.
Give out a rehearsed speech and nothing else, unless she comes to you nicely and honestly asks to talk about what happened; if any of the blame etc. spews out of her, retreat to your rehearsed sentence and NOTHING ELSE.
Do not raise your voice.
Do not agree to leave your house, EVER.
If she threatens to leave, tell her if that's what she wants, you will help her pack, AND you'll call her mother and let her know she's coming.
Do NOT allow her to take the kids out of the house; if she threatens to do so, calmly let her know that they are YOUR children just as much as hers and you will call the police if ANYone tries to take them from their home.
Do not say anything you will regret or she can use against you.

And I strongly suggest you stop at Radio Shack on the way home and get a multi-hour voice-activated recorder that you keep in your pocket. She's never lost before, and she may be willing to go to the moon over this; you may find yourself defending yourself for trumped-up child abuse or wife abuse charges. No, I'm not kidding.

Above all, stay calm.


----------



## Eli-Zor

UGA : the way to deal with this is to answer to text or conversations that are pleasant to ignore those that are not . The same happens when you go home . Your immediate issue is how you deal with today and this weekend . Be calm , be polite in words and in your body actions . Give your kids a great weekend , a weekend they will talk to mum about when she returns from wherever she is going . 

This is a battle between you and your wife and there is a real risk that your marriage is going to destroy itself , caused by both of your behaviours . Look at the worst of you and change , defuse the situation in the house by running the 180. The Facebook man is the catalyst for the current status in your house , she may be or has been involved with him , her reaction is extreme for what is a request of a name , however the issue between your wife and you has been waiting in the wings for something to trigger it.

Despite voices here that say do not confront the facebook man, I strongly suggest you deal with him and / or his family and close that chapter down. If your wife fears you contacting him then either she fears your behaviour to him or she fears what else you may find out . 

Use tact and catch her off guard , today I doubt she would have expected you to say thank you for the name she sent you, this would have either made her angry or shut her down , either way you would known your response would have been respectful, over time she would see this.

Your pattern of behaviour is to be a husband who loves his wife , not to end up been drawn into fighting and shouting like high school kids . The 180 will allow you to regain control but be warned the 180 can also break your marriage if you do not at times flex it to respond positively to any changes she makes for the better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PHTlump

I like Eli-Zor's advice. Above all, stay cool and calm. Don't let her draw you into a fight. You have the advantage here. You understand her motivations. She may well not understand her behavior herself.

If she screams, walk away. If she seethes, smile. If she's civil, engage her civilly. If she's loving, love her back.

You don't necessarily need an apology from her right now. You just need her to back down and start acting appropriately.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera

Right. If she raises her voice, you leave the room. 

If she throws something, you leave the room.

If she gets in your face, you leave the room.

If she gets into the blame crap, you change the subject; offer her a cookie. Busy yourself with stuff that needs to be done. 

If it looks like she's going over the top, call the folks and ask them to come get the kids.


----------



## Shaggy

Read the key logger finding before you do any discussing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102

There are 3 scenarios as to why she didn't give the name:

1) She was afraid you'd go bash his face in.
2) She was afraid that you'd find out that there was much more going on
3) There was indeed NOTHING going on between them, but he may have some incriminating info on her, and she was afraid that, in order to save his own neck, he'd spill his guts.

But I do find it strange that she requests that you no longer talk to her, and then she's texting you again-trying to get a response.

But I get the suspicion that she is used to you caving in and her "winning" every argument in the past, but she saw that you would not back down this time, and now she's using the best defense-a GOOD OFFENSE.

And, just one more "devil's advocate" type theory here, but maybe she gave you his name...AFTER she got with him and her family, and contacted anyone who may be involved and got their stories straight.


----------



## Jellybeans

Eli-Zor said:


> The Facebook man is the catalyst for the current status in your house , she may be or has been involved with him , her reaction is extreme for what is a request of a name , however the issue between your wife and you has been waiting in the wings for something to trigger it.
> 
> Despite voices here that say do not confront the facebook man, I strongly suggest you deal with him and / or his family and close that chapter down. If your wife fears you contacting him then either she fears your behaviour to him or she fears what else you may find out .
> 
> Use tact and catch her off guard , today I doubt she would have expected you to say thank you for the name she sent you,


I like this advice. I am still on the fence about contacting Facebook Predator. (Let's call him FP). If you do, make sure it's something like, _"FP--I am aware you sent the following message to my wife (copy/paste it). You know that my wife is married therefore ther eis no reason you should be contacting her asking her to meet up with you without my knowledge. Stay out of my marriage. Do not contact her again."_

Don't get angry and in a fight with your wife. At all. Be cool, as 1000 of us have said. I do thi nk she overreacted but I am glad to hear she gave up the them. (24 pages or so in). She made this all much worse than it needed to be all on her own.


----------



## aug

Shaggy said:


> Read the key logger finding before you do any discussing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


good point.


----------



## turnera

shaggy said:


> read the key logger finding before you do any discussing.
> _posted via mobile device_


 very good point!


----------



## Voiceofreason

Let’s review the bidding here:

Former friend she got drunk with contacts her and asks her to join him out of town to have sex with him.

She waits a month before telling you about this predator and proposition.

She refuses to tell you who he is.

You firmly, yet respectfully, insist that she tell you who this interloper in your marriage is.

She refuses.

She embarks on a campaign accusing you of being abusive, controlling, intentionally hurtful, distrustful, a baby, a jerk, and treating her like a *****—all for insisting that she tell you who he is.

At the appropriate time, you might consider telling her (in writing if that is easier): you were being intentionally secretive about the man who asked you to join him out of town to have sex with him. When I insisted that you identify him, so I can know who is attempting to interfere with my marriage, you accused me of being abusive, controlling, intentionally hurtful, distrustful, a baby, a jerk, and treating you like a *****—all for just demanding to know who this guy is. I didn’t call you names. I didn’t threaten you. I didn’t suggest that you are a bad parent. I didn’t threaten to run away to my parents. I didn’t tell you never to talk to me ever again. You did every single one of those things. I simply insisted that you tell me who he is. The more you have attacked me and insisted on keeping secrets in our marriage, the more concerned I have been. I will continue to be concerned until I can understand what this disproportionate reaction is really all about. That concern includes why you believe it is appropriate to attack me in the way you have. I feel disrespected by your refusal to tell me who he was, and by your over-the-top histrionics and attacks. The secrecy is very troubling, but the way you have treated me in the process is equally troubling in terms of how I can expect you to communicate during future disagreements. 

Just a thought…your results may vary.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Many buys. VOR is right on, I think.


----------



## Chaparral

Voiceofreason said:


> Let’s review the bidding here:
> 
> Former friend she got drunk with contacts her and asks her to join him out of town to have sex with him.
> 
> She waits a month before telling you about this predator and proposition.
> 
> She refuses to tell you who he is.
> 
> You firmly, yet respectfully, insist that she tell you who this interloper in your marriage is.
> 
> She refuses.
> 
> She embarks on a campaign accusing you of being abusive, controlling, intentionally hurtful, distrustful, a baby, a jerk, and treating her like a *****—all for insisting that she tell you who he is.
> 
> At the appropriate time, you might consider telling her (in writing if that is easier): you were being intentionally secretive about the man who asked you to join him out of town to have sex with him. When I insisted that you identify him, so I can know who is attempting to interfere with my marriage, you accused me of being abusive, controlling, intentionally hurtful, distrustful, a baby, a jerk, and treating you like a *****—all for just demanding to know who this guy is. I didn’t call you names. I didn’t threaten you. I didn’t suggest that you are a bad parent. I didn’t threaten to run away to my parents. I didn’t tell you never to talk to me ever again. You did every single one of those things. I simply insisted that you tell me who he is. The more you have attacked me and insisted on keeping secrets in our marriage, the more concerned I have been. I will continue to be concerned until I can understand what this disproportionate reaction is really all about. That concern includes why you believe it is appropriate to attack me in the way you have. I feel disrespected by your refusal to tell me who he was, and by your over-the-top histrionics and attacks. The secrecy is very troubling, but the way you have treated me in the process is equally troubling in terms of how I can expect you to communicate during future disagreements.
> 
> Just a thought…your results may vary.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Verbatim.


----------



## OhGeesh

Waiting on keylogger results I bet there is nothing!! Seems a little blown out of proportion on both sides to me.


----------



## turnera

Oh, I'm not expecting him to find anything - not unless he goes back to the month before she told him the truth. 

BUT...if there IS something, it would totally change the direction of their conversation. 

Gotta rule it out.


----------



## MrK

OhGeesh said:


> Waiting on keylogger results I bet there is nothing!! Seems a little blown out of proportion on both sides to me.


Thank god. At least ONE additional voice of reason. I wish I could take bets with everyone that there wil be nothng on the keylogger. I can almost guarantee it.


----------



## turnera

The keylogger is NOT the issue.


----------



## MrK

turnera said:


> The keylogger is NOT the issue.


The key logger is very much the issue. If not that, then the VAR or other snooping. Anything besides "Honey, just thought you should know a predator made a very inappropriate advance towards me on facebook". Because I'll say it again, before they BOTH turned this minor incident into WWIII, that's ALL he had. Once they both started seeing who could p.i.s.s farther there was more, but it's got NOTHING to do with this predator.


----------



## TRy

MrK said:


> Anything besides "Honey, just thought you should know a predator made a very inappropriate advance towards me on facebook". Because I'll say it again, before they BOTH turned this minor incident into WWIII, that's ALL he had.


The issues were that she did not tell him the OM's name, told others about it but not him for a month, never let him read the OM's email to her where he made the offer of sex and did not defriend the OM until pushed to do so by the husband. Additionally, it is unrealistic to think that the OM's first text to the wife would be an offer to sneak off for the weekend and have sex with him. There is more to this story that she is not telling, and the husband is smart enough to know it and not like it.

You trying to downplay what the wife did and blame share to the husband for doing what was right is just ridiculous. The husband was caught in a difficult situation not of his doing, and did the best that he could to try to deal with it. She was the one to escalate things as she protected the other man and hide (and is still hiding) the details of the emails between them. He is not to blame. For him to have downplayed it would have been foolish.


----------



## turnera

MrK said:


> before they BOTH turned this minor incident into WWIII, that's ALL he had


What do you call refusing to give her husband the name of the man who hit on her? Nothing?

Would YOU be ok if your wife refused to tell you who hit on HER? And then continued to refuse after you told her it was hurting you?


----------



## turnera

Dawg, I hope things are going ok.


----------



## Voiceofreason

TRy said:


> The issues were that she did not tell him the OM's name, told others about it but not him for a month, never let him read the OM's email to her where he made the offer of sex and did not defriend the OM until pushed to do so by the husband. Additionally, it is unrealistic to think that the OM's first text to the wife would be an offer to sneak off for the weekend and have sex with him. There is more to this story that she is not telling, and the husband is smart enough to know it and not like it.
> 
> You trying to downplay what the wife did and blame share to the husband for doing what was right is just ridiculous. The husband was caught in a difficult situation not of his doing, and did the best that he could to try to deal with it. She was the one to escalate things as she protected the other man and hide (and is still hiding) the details of the emails between them. He is not to blame. For him to have downplayed it would have been foolish.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Shaggy

I hope things are ok, he hash gone dark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000

janrobinson said:


> Wow, you would really consider installing something on your computer to spy? You really want your marraige to be like that? You should trust your wife until you find out otherwise. What goes around comes around, and if she chooses to do something with her ex that is a choice she made and she will pay the price for it, like looseing you.
> I believe you should believe in yourself a little more and should consider looking in the mirror to see the problem. You are insecure and that can lead you to huge problems in your marriage and it can ulitmatly lead your wife running to her ex because no one wants to be spied on and things like that. If I found out my husband did something like that I would be fearful he would install cameras on me and vehicle locator on my car and everything else. That is creepy and no none wants to feel like they are watched at all times.
> I mean no disrespect, that is just my advice.


My wife saved our marriage by intervening with an EA I was in. She could tell by my behavior and my emails. It is about transparency and looking out for one another. Marriage.


----------



## Dadof3

Probably doing some hysterical bonding with the W.


----------



## UGADawgs79

My W and I had a big talk this weekend and she agreed withholding the OM's name was a mistake and everything got cleared up. She told me more info about the guy and that nothing ever happened. Everything is good now. The keylogger will stay on her laptop.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Glad to hear it Dawg
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrK

If that MrK wasn't just SO off base and SUCH an idiot, I'd almost think The Dawg took his advice. 

Nahhh...


----------



## Almostrecovered

MrK said:


> If that MrK wasn't just SO off base and SUCH an idiot, I'd almost think The Dawg took his advice.
> 
> Nahhh...



or that he followed other advice and made a stand towards protecting his marriage and establishing a more equitable relationship


----------



## TRy

MrK said:


> If that MrK wasn't just SO off base and SUCH an idiot, I'd almost think The Dawg took his advice.
> 
> Nahhh...


This talk only took place because he took a stand. If he had taken Mrk's advice, she would not have admitted that withholding the name was wrong and she would have not told him more info about what happened.


----------



## england 75

Would still be interesting to see the keylogger results though


----------



## england 75

Actually, that's not a good idea, if you trust her truly then remove it as it risks doing serious harm if she found out.


----------



## StrangerThanFiction

england 75 said:


> Would still be interesting to see the keylogger results though


would be more interesting to see keylogger results from a month ago after he contacted her


----------



## turnera

So glad you stood your ground. I think your marriage may have taken a huge leap forward this week. She now respects you a LOT more and that, my friend, is sexy.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Excellent work, Dawg.


----------



## MrK

TRy said:


> This talk only took place because he took a stand. If he had taken Mrk's advice, she would not have admitted that withholding the name was wrong and she would have not told him more info about what happened.


My advice was NEVER to not confront her. Look back at some of my posts. But this thread was reading like a runaway freight train. I just tried to settle everyone down.


----------



## Jellybeans

Glad to hear things went well, Ugaw.


----------



## F-102

Sounds good, bro. This leads me to think that there was no "affair", per se, but had more to do with her inability to deal with her H "manning up".


----------



## LonelyNLost

Glad this turned out to be just one big fitness test. Hopefully you and your W have learned something. Good luck!


----------



## Rob774

Sorry Dawg that i just got around to this, i would of loved to chime in when this was farely new, because i go nuts over FB related threads. Me and my wife's FBs are open to each other, i've seen dudes that have tried to come at her, and she's ex'd these dudes off her friend list immediately. I would of been LIVID if she told me about this, but not giving me the guys name, and then stalled for a month to give me said name. 

I would of thought that month would of given her time to "wrap things up" with him, get her stories straight, just in case the husband managed to find out his info and call the OM. The OP's wife was wrong. First for not deleting him right away, and next for not telling her husband who the guy was. And then she further complicated the matter by gaslighting him. For all we know, things could of still been happening via her phone. 

What i will say, is that i really don't believe that the OP's wife was having an affair. If she was, why open the door at all by mentioning this message on FB at all. The husband would of never been the wiser without the wife bringing it up in the first place. It would be very stupid of her to shine the light on herself, while she is in the middle of doing dirt. I just think she used very poor judgement after that fact.


----------



## UGADawgs79

Ok, so I know this post is pretty much over, but, a few days ago my W and I were having a stupid argument and she ended up saying "well maybe I should call up the OM and make you jealous!" That's when I spilt it that I already knew his last name. I said, "If Mr (last name) ever came up here he wouldn't make it back home!" The keyloggers aren't revealing anything but overall we are doing much better. She said she was sorry she didn't tell me right away and that she didn't care that I looked him up. I guess all is well in the house right now


----------



## Almostrecovered

getting the kids to sleep in their rooms yet?


----------



## Jellybeans

Awesome


----------



## UGADawgs79

Almostrecovered said:


> getting the kids to sleep in their rooms yet?


No such luck yet. One problem at a time haha. It's hard to stay up all night and put them back in bed when you get up at 5 am for work. I really appreciate everyone's advice!


----------



## PHTlump

Good to hear that you're moving past it. Just be mindful of the sh!t tests (her bringing him up may have been a small one), and keep passing them. Sounds like you're on the right track.


----------



## turnera

Well, let's tackle the kid thing, then! What's actually going on?


----------



## F-102

Sounds like she is the type that is unable or unwilling to use logic and reasoning to settle a dispute, so instead, she goes for the emotional smack-down. Kind of like the parent who is unable to reason with an unruly child, so they'll hit said child instead.


----------



## TRy

UGADawgs79 said:


> That's when I spilt it that I already knew his last name. I said, "If Mr (last name) ever came up here he wouldn't make it back home!


So she never actually told you his name?

This means that you mislead all of us when on 10-10-2011, 06:32 AM you said "My W and I had a big talk this weekend and she agreed withholding the OM's name was a mistake and everything got cleared up. She told me more info about the guy and that nothing ever happened. Everything is good now."


----------



## Chaparral

Glad to see a good ending on this forum. More needed. Thanks


----------



## lordmayhem

chapparal said:


> Glad to see a good ending on this forum. More needed. Thanks


:iagree:

Indeed. There's far too many unhappy endings lately. The statistics say only a third of marriages surive infidelity, but it seems from stories here, it's less than that.


----------



## Jellybeans

Yeah I have read those stats too re: infidelity. It's weird though cause I sometimes see stats that say a lot of marriages can/do survive infidelity (high rates) but then I read the ones where they don't. Around here we get a lot of the latter.


----------



## Jellybeans

TRy said:


> So she never actually told you his name?
> 
> This means that you mislead all of us when on 10-10-2011, 06:32 AM you said "My W and I had a big talk this weekend and she agreed withholding the OM's name was a mistake and everything got cleared up. She told me more info about the guy and that nothing ever happened. Everything is good now."


I think he means she already told him his first name (but not the last name).


----------



## TRy

Jellybeans said:


> I think he means she already told him his first name (but not the last name).


Yes I got that. The point of getting the OM's name was so that the husband could know the identity of the threat to their marriage. Without the last name, she did not let him know the identity, which means that she was still protecting the OM and not coming clean with the husband.

Since her not protecting the OM was the main point, the OP mislead all of us when he said that "My W and I had a big talk this weekend and she agreed withholding the OM's name was a mistake and everything got cleared up. She told me more info about the guy and that nothing ever happened. Everything is good now." Everything did not get cleared up now did it?


----------



## Jellybeans

Well she told him the name, which is what he asked for. 

I think it is cleared up between them since OP got what he wanted, which was an pology, her realization of how stupid it was for her not to tell, and her revealing the name and person it was. And he already knew who it was on top of that already, he just wanted her to tell him.

I don't see that as him "misleading" us.


----------



## PHTlump

F-102 said:


> Kind of like the parent who is unable to reason with an unruly child ...


:rofl:
Spoken like someone who is not a parent.


----------



## TRy

Jellybeans said:


> Well she told him the name, which is what he asked for.
> of that already, he just wanted her to tell him.


She did not give him the full name so she was still protecting the OM. Just giving a first name does not allow the husband to know who it is, which was the point.


----------



## Jellybeans

I don't agree w/ regards to the name thing. She revealed the name.


----------



## TRy

Jellybeans said:


> I don't agree w/ regards to the name thing. She revealed the name.


The OP (OGADawgs79) stated on a 09-29-2011, 10:41 AM post that “I gave her the opportunity to delete him off of her page and to tell me who it was.” He was not asking for a first name; he was asking to know “who”. By telling him only the first name and refusing to tell him the last name, she never told him “who” it was that was trying to sleep with her so that the OP would be better able to protect his marriage. The OM knew “who” (full name) the husband was.

The OP decided to back down. That is his right as it is his life and only he knows the whole situation. But let us not play word games to make believe that she ever really told him “who” it was.


----------



## F-102

I don't feel he misled us, oh, and PHT, I sent you a PM...


----------



## turnera

Why don't you wait til he comes back and ask him instead of developing a meta-discussion on what happened?


----------



## Chaparral

TRy said:


> So she never actually told you his name?
> 
> This means that you mislead all of us when on 10-10-2011, 06:32 AM you said "My W and I had a big talk this weekend and she agreed withholding the OM's name was a mistake and everything got cleared up. She told me more info about the guy and that nothing ever happened. Everything is good now."


I don't think it says she did not tell him the last name. I think it says he didn't tell her he already new OMs last name when she finally told him. At the time he just didn't admit to her he had been digging.


----------

