# How to Support Withdrawal When He Still Wants Contact with OW



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi. Last November 28 I found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with his ex-officemate again. The first time it happened with her was March of this year, although I believe that their flirtations and attraction to each other has been existent before that. I caught them April of this year, but just forgave and shoved it under the rug.

The OW resigned last month from the office, and my husband says it was around October that their emotional affair started again. In between though, they always had lunch together (with the rest of the group in the office), sometimes shared funny stuff online, and generally enjoyed each other's company.

I know my faults in this marriage is huge. I neglected my husband for years after going through clinical depression. He was also neglectful of me, which made me withdraw and just want to cruise on through life without thinking about him. Unfortunately, it drove him to the OW.

This jolted me out of my selfishness, and made me realize that things cannot go as they are. I've been reading a lot about how to cope with this thing, and learned about the withdrawal phase.

My immediate problem now is that he won't remove the OW from his FB and email contacts. Sunday night he deleted their photo album (yes he has one with her but none with me), but yesterday I wasn't able to help myself and egged him to "unfriend" her on FB. He did, but was so mad at me. Then he added her back after a few minutes saying he had a post he wanted her to read. She messaged him because his actions confused her. The point is that now, she has also added him back as friend on FB.

He also hasn't taken out the "off the record" status on the Gmail chats.

He says he just needs time to process this. That he chooses me and the kids. The OW and I also have had lots of texts to each other as I have forgiven her. She says it is over, but urges me to give him time as well. She did not reply to his texts yesterday begging her for forgiveness. But today she added him back. I guess it is totally stupid of me to want to trust her too.

I want so much to support him during his withdrawal. But how can he go through it if he hasn't cut off all contact with her?

What can I do without demanding and pushing him to her?

Should I put my foot down and ask him to leave? I'm so lost and confused. I want to work things out. He says he also does someday, but that he still can't trust himself or me.

Please. I need advice before he wakes up and looks at his FB. I don't know how to act anymore...


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He's choosing her over you. You need to kick him out. You are his wife, and not his second choice. Be strong, put your foot down, demand NO contact with this woman or else you will file for divorce.


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Deep in my heart I know that he really is still choosing her over me. It's just that he cannot choose her over the kids too. He loves them too much. 

I did ask him to leave at first, but has welcomed him back. 

But what happens if it just ends up them against the world? Then I lose him for good.

I know I sound pathetic. But at this point in time, I have to be honest with myself. I just don't know if I can take it if he does end up with her...


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> Hi. Last November 28 I found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with his ex-officemate again. *Are you sure it's EA only and what do you mean by again? Is this the 2nd EA with this woman, or 3rd? How do you know it even ended?*The first time it happened with her was March of this year, although I believe that their flirtations and attraction to each other has been existent before that. I caught them April of this year, but just forgave and shoved it under the rug. *Oh..honey, I don't think they ever stopped.*
> 
> The OW resigned last month from the office, and my husband says it was around October that their emotional affair started again. In between though, they always had lunch together (with the rest of the group in the office), sometimes shared funny stuff online, and generally enjoyed each other's company.*This is much deeper than a EA. I'm sorry. And, it's been on-going the entire time. This is not his 2nd affair with her, it's been going on the entire time.*
> 
> ...


*You don't know how to act anymore? Well, for starters, you stand up, you put on your b*tch pants and you REFUSE to be a doormat anymore. Then you look at him and you tell him straight to his face that he goes NC with her starting now, or you file for divorce. If he refuses, you will decorate your front lawn with his clothes. Toss a few shirts up in the tree branches even. Then you will make an appt with a divorce lawyer. He is being a total Asshat and I was married to an Asshat myself. Make sure he understands you mean business. There is no cushy way to fix this. Nobody wins a war by hugging the enemy. You need to bring out the guns.*


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> Deep in my heart I know that he really is still choosing her over me. It's just that he cannot choose her over the kids too. He loves them too much.
> 
> I did ask him to leave at first, but has welcomed him back.
> 
> ...


Oh honey, you are me reincarnated, I swear.


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks AppleDucklings.

Helping me get some backbone.

Just read Morituri's post on Just Let them Go and the 180 Degrees Rule though, and both sound really good.

I'm sure you're for the "just let them go" strategy though. Backbone. Backbone.

Will get back to you as soon as I figure out which one I'm brave enough to do.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Apple you're not and apple you are a gem. Your posts are humorous, insightful and spot on. The play-on-words is worthy of praise all it's own for sheer artfulness. 

Listen to her and save yourself years of pain and degradation. You will end up in divorce anyway. Bite the bullet and do on your terms with your dignity intact. It sounds like he is love with this woman and does not intend to let her go. He may stay because he can see his kids. It is unhealthy for kids to live in a household where one person is being disrespected and humiliated. You are better off getting rid of him. Then you work on yourself and start fresh with another man.

You can't see your way clear now but in a year you will be glad you did not stay in a loveless marriage. 

Pull the plug and cut it off. Don't fall for R attempts tgey will probably be false. If he stays in touch with her the love remains. If he were interested in the marriage he would let her go and suffer withdrawal. As long as he sees her the emotional connection will remain. 

Let him go. He will go to her but it will not last. It is a relationship born in fantasyland, and deception. When they are together with the day to day realities and they really get to know each other the fantasy will dissipate. So no worries. By the time it ends, you will be a new person and wonder why you wanted to stay. the best revenge is success so start that for the new year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks Catherine. Starting to feel more resolve to cut it off.

He does not deny that he is in love with the OW. He says he is working on it. I know... I know... 

I will talk to him as soon as he wakes up and give him his ultimatum. Yes, it won't be honoring his pace, but I finally realize I can only honor it if he lets go of her completely.

Yes, she'll be in his mind during withdrawal. But until then, I can only do nothing for him without dragging me down.

Ugh... I hope I don't falter.

Smack me in the head if I come back hours later saying I just let him stay without totally blocking her off in his contacts.

I feel physically sick from fear!

Oh, and btw, divorce is not an option in the Philippines (which is where I'm from!).

And yeah, realistically speaking I know I'll be pining when he leaves. I just hope I can continue my journey to self recovery.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Apple you're not and apple you are a gem. Your posts are humorous, insightful and spot on. The play-on-words is worthy of praise all it's own for sheer artfulness.
> 
> Listen to her and save yourself years of pain and degradation. You will end up in divorce anyway. Bite the bullet and do on your terms with your dignity intact. It sounds like he is love with this woman and does not intend to let her go. He may stay because he can see his kids. It is unhealthy for kids to live in a household where one person is being disrespected and humiliated. You are better off getting rid of him. Then you work on yourself and start fresh with another man.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Catherine  And I mean she is me because I used to be the exact same way. I was the rug. I never stood up to my ex husband. It took me 15 yrs to leave him. For 15 years, I was too insecure to stand up for myself. He made me insecure, he treated me like sh*t. I see a lot of the old me in her. Hopefully, we can all help her to be strong enough to leave.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> Thanks Catherine. Starting to feel more resolve to cut it off.
> 
> He does not deny that he is in love with the OW. He says he is working on it. I know... I know...
> 
> ...


why is divorce not an option where you're from?


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Lovingly detach and get on with your life. It is a very hard road, listen to Apple she is absolutely right and an expert in dealing with A$$Hats. 
Catherine nailed it too. 
Your getting great advice

Don't put up with this. He is treating you with utter contempt and will continue to until you stop allowing it.


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Apple - Divorce is not legal in the Philippines. The debate on the Divorce Bill has been going on for ages, but still hasn't been approved, and is unlikely to be with the Catholic church.

The maid and I are packing his clothes now. Calmly explained the situation to him, and he chose to go. He was about to explain, but I told him that I needed no explanations. It's just him gone or him staying. Simple as that. I knew he would explain something about him wanting to improve, and stuff like that. Rationalize his inability to let go of the OW.

Well I'm not falling for it any longer.

Let's just hope I don't falter a few days from.

I know there's still hope in my heart, but I'm trying to not look at it that way. I just want to focus on doing this on my own. As co-parents to a 6yo with special needs and 10 month baby, I need all the strength I can muster not to fall back into negative responses.

Thank you so much for helping give me the push to stand up and have him stay within the boundaries I've set or have him go. As I said he chose to go.

He tried to hold my hand, but I told him he did not have the right to do so anymore. I said it gently, but I knew in my heart it was true. The moment he chose to go away from me to me meant that our vows have been shattered.

Now I'll just have to get through the roller coaster of being alone. Am so glad I found this forums.


----------



## braehead (Dec 16, 2011)

First, you should understand what is happening to him. 
He has a soul-tie to this woman. It means that as long as he does, he cannot love you. This is a typical case of how this plays out in real life. Many men carry soul ties to other women, and as a result they have a hardened heart towards their wives.

The only way to Love you again, and trust himself around other women is to sever all contacts with her. There is no way around this. He cannot have FB, Youtube, Messenger, BB, or any other conact with her. She will be upset too, but he must develop the character to follow through with his commitment to you and the children for this to work. I'm speaking from experience here.

Next, he must find healing for his own soul. This comes through forgiveness, from both you, and from himself! After that, he needs to keep his guard up, by never developing feelings for any other woman other than you. It is a daily struggle.

Now, in terms of how to go about doing all of this. Get someone else involved. Someone he trusts, like a Pastor, Boss, counselor. As long as that person is not going to take side, but will be fair, honest, and just.

The most important thing that will happen to your relationship, while this is going on, is that he will resent you tremendously. Be prepared for this. If you are a praying woman, pray for him. Support him in the right thing, but without too much judgement. In my time, the most efffective tool for me, was that we found someone who did not judge me, but was prepared to help me. It made all the difference. I cannot close this piece without telling you that putting faith in the Lord Jesus made a big difference too.

I wish you well. I discuss some of these issues on my blog as well. Feel free to pm me for more info.

My best,
braehead

PS: Print this and have him read it.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

A betrayed spouse should NEVER be expected to support a cheating spouses withdrawal from their affair partner.

If they are going through withdrawal, its up to the cheating spouse to deal with it and at the same time focus on the marriage.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Kick him out, if that doesn't wake him up then it's time to move on. That's what my wife did, after 3 months of pleading, begging, crying for me to come back she let me go.

Once I realized she was going for good, I finally woke up enough to realize what I could be losing.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When I was dealing with my guy's EA, I knew that time was of the essence. Either I took control of the situation at a time when he was happy with me and unsure about her or I let him stay in touch with her, gain his confidence about his relationship with her and so on.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

DesperateHeart said:


> Hi. Last November 28 I found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with his ex-officemate again. The first time it happened with her was March of this year, although I believe that their flirtations and attraction to each other has been existent before that. I caught them April of this year, but just forgave and shoved it under the rug.
> 
> The OW resigned last month from the office, and my husband says it was around October that their emotional affair started again. In between though, they always had lunch together (with the rest of the group in the office), sometimes shared funny stuff online, and generally enjoyed each other's company.
> 
> ...


Since she has so kindly given your husband access to her friends list you do the following:

Copy all her friends names and links to their web pages into a word document
Create a message saying that she is in an affair with your husband and has been for xxx months
Send a Facebook message , 60 seconds apart , to as many as you can starting with those that look like family.

The normal result is they shutdown the Facebook page or she blocks your husband , he in turn gets angry , you sit back and offer him some tea and a cookie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Since she has so kindly given your husband access to her friends list you do the following:
> 
> Copy all her friends names and links to their web pages into a word document
> Create a message saying that she is in an affair with your husband and has been for xxx months
> ...


I agree with this. There comes a point when you need to accept that you have nothing left to preserve.


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi everyone, thanks for all the advice.

My husband did finally leave the other day. I then went on and followed the advice on telling an authority figure (his boss), which got him mad. His boss felt so bad since he said he saw it coming but wanted to believe otherwise. Boss tried to talk to him, but when he didn't want to said they could just continue "business" as usual and talk when he's ready. Hubby has calmed down and says he knows I think I did the right thing, but he thinks it wasn't. We agreed to disagree, which is more than I expected of him. He says he loves me, which is why he is trying to understand. Says he needs time to work on himself and let go of the OW.

Giving him time, but it has to be physically away from me and working on not banking on anything. Reading a lot too to make sure I'm making the right decisions for our particular circumstance.

Latest developments are:

He and I are still in contact. I know I don't have to support or protect him, but I have decided to do so primarily because I think it's the time to put 180 rule in action. I have to let him go and not let him back till he removes OW from his FB and mail list, but since he (finally) offered to give me passwords so I can check on him, I do see that as a sign of him working on letting her go. Now, if they do have contact again, that will be a completely different thing.

He says he is willing to work on himself and even expressed desire to go to therapy. I hope he really does. He is also the one who initiates contact with me, and I always accept, but it is clear to him what he has to do.

I know I sound blind, but knowing him, I know he is remorseful. I still don't trust him (rightly so!), but am willing to work with him if he decides to come back upon fulfilling my requirements (which are so simple!). I think his main problem right now though is he's also really afraid to come back, he doesn't trust himself either.

I have decided not to expose him (although your FB suggestions do feel me with glee every time I think indulge my vengeful self...haha) because I don't believe it will do any good at this point. Besides the contact between them has stopped (or so I think), so maybe he is indeed starting to go through withdrawal even if he is away.

I told him that he is welcome to come by for Christmas to visit the kids. I would gladly welcome him back if only he can let go of the OW completely. Till then, I have to protect myself to some degree.

For now, working on myself and opting to take a loving approach. Looks like he is too...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_My immediate problem now is that he won't remove the OW from his FB and email contacts. Sunday night he deleted their photo album (yes he has one with her but none with me), but yesterday I wasn't able to help myself and egged him to "unfriend" her on FB. He did, but was so mad at me. *Then he added her back after a few minutes saying he had a post he wanted her to read*. She messaged him because his actions confused her. The point is that now, she has also added him back as friend on FB._

Ok ... WHAT DA F-CK? Are you serious? Serious serious? Like, you are choosing to stay with a man who disrespects you like this? Say what???

Yeah you may have neglected him and that's good you own that but check it out: you called him out on his affair, he stopped, and then started it again, going as far as to have a PHOTO album w/ her and not you and complaining and having to unfriend her, only to friend her again.

That chick doesn't have your best interests. Of course she SAYS to give him time, that i's over, but if she really gave a flying fvck, she wouldn't be in touch with him AT ALL EVER.

EW. EW to both your husband and her. And EW to you for tolerating this mess. 

Your kids... you are their example of a woman in a leading role in their lives. Do not let them see you take this and tolerate this abuse. And yes, it's abusive. You are showing them that you are ok with being 2nd, 3rd and 4th best.

This is not ok ever.

He wants his lassie? Let her have him. He is an immature a$$hole and you already know: YOU DESERVE BETTER!


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Here comes a 2X4, put your helmet on.

You won't expose her! I see , give her a key to your house and a schedule of when you are out , pretend that your husband and her are just friends, ignore the stain marks on your sheets. Your are facilitating and enabling the affair , you will lose your husband or will take him back knowing he is going to continue to cheat .

Exposure is one of the few tools that you can use to get her away from your husband. You should decide to either fight for your marriage or give up now. An affair never stops so long as they are able to be in contact , your marriage will never recover while she is in his life.

This is factual hard experience from dealing with hundreds of waywards why do think you can succeed with a different plan? You can't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

No kidding Eli-Zor, Desperate please read my newbie post...my plan seemed to fail....dont waste time and pain.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I guess a no contact letter hand written by your husband , reviewed and sent by you is not part of the plan.

Please read the newbie thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> ???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry I meant to say with out a plan,exposure the whole 9 yards you are doomed to fail and asked her to read my post for Newbies-my fail wifes e/a with coworker...What I was doing was wrong wrong wrong...


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> Sorry I meant to say with out a plan,exposure the whole 9 yards you are doomed to fail and asked her to read my post for Newbies-my fail wifes e/a with coworker...What I was doing was wrong wrong wrong...


 No problem 

From the TAM newbie thread you should have the details and templates ; as for the 180 you should be running this hard, the no contact letter is a must and the exposure is to get the OW out of the marriage .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

I was with you until the part were you said he has a facebook page of her pictures and not yours. Sorry I know its beyond hard but there are a lot of people out there that won't put you though that crap.... 

Not only is he cheating you he's telling the whole world. "Look world I am cheating on my wife with this woman, see she's right here"


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi All,

Thanks for all the support. The slaps. The reality checks. Things are different now, though no less painful. Started a new thread about new discovery.

Feel free to tell me as it is too. I do need to hear from you guys. Thanks!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So sorry you're going thru this.

*Maligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon*

Even if it doesn't feel all that merry. Taga saan ka sa pinas?


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi Lord Mayhem.

Sorry, but not comfortable giving such details. 

Btw, I don't know how many times I've felt like squishing that fly on your profile pic! :-D


----------

