# Anything I can do to investigate from 3000 miles away?



## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

My longtime girlfriend and I have to be separated by 3000 miles for the next four months, so we're attempting a long distance relationship, zzz hardest kind of all, I hear. More to the point: I think, in my absence, her ex is back on the scene and/or she's having an online emotional romance with someone, both of which have happened before, albeit a good while ago. I have legit reasons for my suspicions but they're not what I'm here to ask about.

Anyway, we see each other for a few days once a month, each time in a new fun city.

During her earlier dalliances, I got confirmation of suspicions by snooping on her laptop and phone, which she found out about. Since then, she's been rigorous about changing her passwords every so often.

Is there anything at all I can do about this situation from so far away? Last time I saw her I found a couple of random passwords written down in a book. I'd try them out in various places -- gmail, icloud, etc -- but I'm afraid most places will send her an email if I try too many times or try from a location it doesn't know about.

She's not a social media person, so I can't see what's going on with her that way. 

Am I plumb out of luck?

We get together next in 3 weeks, but sans passwords, I guess I'm stymied there, too, and might have to wait until the 3000 mile separation narrows to 2 or 3 miles, at which point maybe i'll leave a few VOR recorders around her house.

I dunno. I'm find myself obsessing about all this and allowing it to take over my days. I probably should have left her after the earlier episode but I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

Thoughts? Suggestions?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

carlosbbb said:


> I probably should have left her after the earlier episode but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


What's holding you back? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you a white knight? 


1) You caught her before. 
2) She hides stuff from you. 
3) You don't trust her. (reasons - see 1&2) 

These things aren't ingredients for a long term relationship. 

You can hire a PI, but why waste the money? If deep down you can't trust her, the relationship is not going to last. 

Think about what would you tell a buddy if he was going through this...

Best


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

carlosbbb said:


> My longtime girlfriend and I have to be separated by 3000 miles for the next four months, so we're attempting a long distance relationship, zzz hardest kind of all, I hear. More to the point: I think, in my absence, her ex is back on the scene and/or she's having an online emotional romance with someone, both of which have happened before, albeit a good while ago. I have legit reasons for my suspicions but they're not what I'm here to ask about.
> 
> Anyway, we see each other for a few days once a month, each time in a new fun city.
> 
> ...


You don't trust your girlfriend and with good reason.Break up and find someone who deserves a faithful man.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Find yourself a good girl who gives you nothing to worry about. They are out there.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Why are you still with her then?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Just say it Dawg, you like the cat and mouse games. You ever thought how lucky you are that she's your longtime GF and not your wife. Keep it that way, string her along and enjoy your time in a "fun city" servicing that filly a few days a month. I the meantime be looking for a replacement. Oh ya, realize that long distance relationships seldom, if ever, work.


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## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

Uhm ... Addiction? Train-wreck fascination? Super-duper low self esteem? Intellectual curiosity? Obsessional need to know if I'm being world-class gaslighted? Possibility I'm wrong? Boredom? All of the above? And that last one is just about right.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Any thoughts about that?

vlad: You posted while I was writing. And, yes, I don't mind admitting that you are right re cat and mousing, at least to a certain degree, exact size tbd.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with what others have said. If you don't trust her and can't trust her, why bother? Sounds like you are clinging to something that isn't there. As others have said don't invest anymore of your self in her. Look for something new and better. In the mean time stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Why bother?

You're not married and you know she's not trustworthy.

Just dump her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

carlosbbb said:


> My longtime girlfriend and I have to be separated by 3000 miles for the next four months, so we're attempting a long distance relationship, zzz hardest kind of all, I hear. More to the point: I think, in my absence, her ex is back on the scene and/or she's having an online emotional romance with someone, both of which have happened before, albeit a good while ago. I have legit reasons for my suspicions but they're not what I'm here to ask about.
> 
> Anyway, we see each other for a few days once a month, each time in a new fun city.
> 
> ...


LEAVE HER NOW. Tell her a LDR does not work for you and end it. In time you will get over her and meet someone who you don't have to constantly check up on. Is that worth the few days a month you see her? I would not think so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Just say it Dawg, you like the cat and mouse games. You ever thought how lucky you are that she's your longtime GF and not your wife. Keep it that way, string her along and enjoy your time in a "fun city" servicing that filly a few days a month. I the meantime be looking for a replacement. Oh ya, realize that long distance relationships seldom, if ever, work.


Yes. 

Dittos x 666.

Enjoy her while you can as long as you can. 

When she returns.......start wearing a condom.

She will be stunned.

When she asks why tell her you had a blood test. It came out positive for some curable and minor STD. You think it must be from the gym or the local pub toilet.

If she asks you if you are cheating, get irate. Tell her you do not cheat on your best friends and lovers.

Then put VAR's in her car and in the house where she talks on the phone.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you really want to know what's going on and she's changed her password, when you see her on your next trip just man up and demand she give access to you. If she refuses then you have your answer and you tell her to GTFO and then go enjoy your mini vacation in a new city while she figures out a new place to stay or how to get home. There's no point in sneaking around. But, all of this is really just a sign of insecurity on your part, since you should just dump someone that you don't trust.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sounds like you will be the one gone for a while. 

If she has been changing passwords since the last time you caught her cheating, you cannot trust her.

Do not get serious with this woman. And I would get an STD test.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

End this toxic relationship and find a new hobby to occupy your mind until you meet someone new.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

You need to be really, really sure you want to marry her. She is not trustworthy and there have been serious issues. In my experience, people relax after they get married and their bad habits and problematic behaviour become more pronounced. 

Run and don't look back, that is my advice.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Dude your only boy friend /girlfriend. 
Let her go. 
If your suspicions now, just think if you got married. 
It's so easy to just walk right now. Yes it'll hurt for a while but so much easier than being married with kids. Don't make the mistakes I've made. I've paid a staggering price for them. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

carlosbbb said:


> Uhm ... Addiction? Train-wreck fascination? Super-duper low self esteem? Intellectual curiosity? Obsessional need to know if I'm being world-class gaslighted? Possibility I'm wrong? Boredom? All of the above? And that last one is just about right.
> 
> Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Any thoughts about that?
> 
> vlad: You posted while I was writing. And, yes, I don't mind admitting that you are right re cat and mousing, at least to a certain degree, exact size tbd.


I'll do what I can to sate your "intellectual curiosity"...

Hos gonna ho.

Just take that as a given and dump her -- immediately and permanently.

As for the rest of it, I'd recommend therapy.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Anyone gonna actually answer his question?

Clearly he is not wanting to dump her, even if that's what he should do.


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## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

OTR:I know what I should do, i also know what I'm going to do, if I can keep my act together and not have a meltdown between now and whenever a better opportunity for trying to find the truth should present itself. Lots of people can live with not knowing and get on with their lives. I am not one of them. In order to get on with my life, I need to know the truth or at least know that I made every best effort to get the truth, both of which will work for me. 

So, yes, I'm with you: is an anyone actually gonna answer my question?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

carlosbbb said:


> OTR:I know what I should do, i also know what I'm going to do, if I can keep my act together and not have a meltdown between now and whenever a better opportunity for trying to find the truth should present itself. Lots of people can live with not knowing and get on with their lives. I am not one of them. In order to get on with my life, I need to know the truth or at least know that I made every best effort to get the truth, both of which will work for me.
> 
> So, yes, I'm with you: is an anyone actually gonna answer my question?


Sure, hire a PI and read this ... No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I recommend hypnosis, look deeply into her eyes while swinging a giant clock and say three times

FFS, FFS, FFS

If she looks at you confused...that about sums up your relationship.

Hope I helped.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

For the ex that is closeby, perhaps ask a trusted friend to do a drive-by at odd hours and see if his car is there.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

carlosbbb said:


> My longtime girlfriend and I have to be separated by 3000 miles for the next four months, so we're attempting a long distance relationship, zzz hardest kind of all, I hear. More to the point: I think, in my absence, her ex is back on the scene and/or she's having an online emotional romance with someone, both of which have happened before, albeit a good while ago. I have legit reasons for my suspicions but they're not what I'm here to ask about.
> 
> Anyway, we see each other for a few days once a month, each time in a new fun city.
> 
> ...


Are you paying all the tabs for the holidays in 'the new fun cities' while wondering in between those trips if her various needs are being met by her ex?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Unless you hire a PI, there is no way to snoop on her from 3,000 miles away. You can try the passwords, and you may get caught snooping, but it's better than having her cheat freely while you are away. 

With that being said, she has cheated before and is likely cheating again. Why would you want that in your life? You seem like a logical person. What is the end game here? What do you hope to eventually get out of this relationship? She's a known cheater, so surely you don't have wedding plans or long term goals with her? Why waste even one minute trying to prove something like this? Just dump her and move on. Or, get some free sex from her while you consider your options. Just assume she is cheating and act accordingly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> End this toxic relationship and find a new hobby to occupy your mind until you meet someone new.


Or make HER his hobby.

Enjoy the women. She does not want to end the relationship so she is getting something from it.

Take her at face value. Do not add intrinsic worth. She does not have much Good Will {value}.

Her spread open sheet valuation is outstanding.

Her return on ass-ets mind blowing.

Fixed costs are manageable.

Her income is too brief.

Her balance sheet is wishfully sided on the credit side.

Risk is unmanageable. Her market capitalization is rife with uncertainties about the future ash flow.

Her investment value is higher than her Market value.

I say ride this one into the ground and then sell at scrap valuation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

... how long to stick with a depreciating asset...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Or make HER his hobby.
> 
> Enjoy the women. She does not want to end the relationship so she is getting something from it.
> 
> ...




I'd agree with you if it weren't for so many men who post here unable to leave their serial cheaters because they got too attached.


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## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

And I agree with both of you. And I'd love to twist my obsessional thinking around to see if I could make that happen. Maybe I ought to read No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if some kind of answer is lurking in there. I'd be great if I could bide my time with this woman, enjoy her company when I'm with her, and not give any further thought to it ever being more than a fun thing I do every month or so.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like she's already betrayed you, and she knows you accept it. So, 3000 miles or 3 miles away won't make a difference.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

Since you can't let it go, and hiring a PI is so expensive, I would create a fake profile on social media. Something that she uses a lot. Preferably Facebook. Is she a member of a Facebook Group? Use your new profile to join the group. This makes it less suspicious when you send her a friend request because she will think you just want to talk about your common interest.
You will have to decide on a gender for your fake profile. Create a female one if you want to get close to her and dig for info. Create a male one if you want to see if she will hook up with somebody. Make his location the same as where she will be and make him irresistible to her . You will need to have the skills to be able to manipulate a conversation however. The profile has to be believable also. 
I know this is lame but it could work. I used this technique once to help a friend decide whether or not to go out with an ex. We found out that he was a liar. 
I think that she is a lost cause and you should just forget about her but I'm just answering your question.


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## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

Well, yes, I know. But if I'm three miles away, I can poke around and either satisfy my need to know for 100% sure or know I gave it my best effort. And then I can get on with my life. I'm binary like that. Most people aren't. And maybe most people don't care. But I do. If I can know, I want to know, for better or worse.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't call it obsession, you are a 100% proofer. They are all over TAM, of any gender and will hang on tooth and nail to the smallest sliver of hope. Anyway, I saw the plural in dalliance(S), since it is more than one is she really that hot or good in bed? I'm asking because it is the only reason why I can see you hanging on to this headache.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Just like 99% of the replies , I say give her the boot, but if you really have your mind made up to play cat and mouse maybe this would work. 
Cell Phone Spy - Cell Phone Tracking App | Auto Forward
I have no personal experience with it but it could give you what you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just hire somebody to track them.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

carlosbbb said:


> Well, yes, I know. But if I'm three miles away, I can poke around and either satisfy my need to know for 100% sure or know I gave it my best effort. And then I can get on with my life. I'm binary like that. Most people aren't. And maybe most people don't care. But I do. If I can know, I want to know, for better or worse.


Don't you have a friend or a relative who can do that for you now? 100%.. do you need photos? Her not home? Leaving someones else's house in the AM? Holding hands, flirting at the dinner table? How much proof do you need? Your own eyes? Have a smart trusted friend or a close relative who gives a hoot about your mental health to follow her discretely. Their photos and trust will tell you everything. Or hire a P.I. Or fly home on the red eye and surprise her. A weekend where she tells you where she is. Show up. If you are lucky she will not be where she say she is and there you have it. 

Worrying about a partner who has cheated in the past and then works harder not to be caught again is not a partner you really need unless you are a masochist. Move on. Sounds like she has.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I'd agree with you if it weren't for so many men who post here unable to leave their serial cheaters because they got too attached.


Amen....Isn't that the truth.

Love is our most powerful emotion. Love is blind, but it sure can find our genitals...never loosening it's iron grip.

On second thought, Hate is the most powerful.

Love comes from a 10 oz. heart.

Hate comes from the remaining fibers in our frail body times {seven and a half} billion Loonies pounding their sunken war chests.

The thing is....some of those Post Toasty worthy Cereal cheaters are masterful Man-ipulators. 

The deck is stacked against men. Because women are stacked, they look wonderful, smell good and they own the patent rights on the Miss Piggy bank; choose what goes in the slot...and how often.

All men can do is stand quietly, with their rimmed Bowl-her Hat in hand and wait for her [come hither] wave.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> I'll do what I can to sate your "intellectual curiosity"...
> 
> Hos gonna ho.
> 
> ...


Therapy

*There's a pie* .........in some other women's trustworthy lap.

That's sweet, cherry, cheery, chaste.

Bring flowers, a good heart, patience and Hope [not from Canada].

If you are worthy and she likes you..........she will open it's container and hand you a fork.

Don't eat it all. Save some for the next 59 years.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

If you ask me, happiness is that ***** in the rear view mirror.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Therapist 


The
Rapist

-Benny Hill Show


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You can put the VARs in place before you do the "I'm wearing a condom because of an STD" - because she'll be on the phone quickly - but most likely she'll be texting. Maybe if you go to the "store" right after you tell her to get your persciption for drippy ****.

Constantly changing her passwords? = bad.

Sounds like you are both pretty young, right?

BOink her a few more times on her dime. But start shopping around. Dump her before having sex with others.

Seriously, she is changing her PASSWORDS to keep YOU out of her hardware? Your relationship is toast.

Married people SHOULD not have hidden passwords. The moment someone does that = they are cheating on the other.


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## carlosbbb (Aug 23, 2017)

I know she's cheating in one way or another. The reason I don't get a friend to follow her is, she's most likely having an emotional affair online. She's done that before and in the aftermath said, "I only did it once, and I never even saw the guy in person, for Christ's sake." Uh, okay, do you really think I fell off the turnip truck just yesterday? And do you really think only doing it once, if that's the case, makes it totally okay?

And, yes, she is hot. Probably the hottest woman I've ever gone out with. Which, of course, is both good and bad. 

If I could only tone down the love molecules that keep washing over me when we're together or when we talk on the phone or when she texts me, I'd be fine and dandy just letting this ... thing ... play out over time. But they keep swamping me and they keep my addiction to her in play. But maybe they'll lessen in impact over the time we are apart. Who knows?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

carlosbbb said:


> And, yes, she is hot. Probably the hottest woman I've ever gone out with. Which, of course, is both good and bad.







If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time
She'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends say
You have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly
Her eyes don't match
Take it from me she's a better catch

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Say man
Hey baby
I saw your wife the other day
Yeah?
Yeah, she's ugly
Man, she's ugly but she sure can cook, baby
Yeah? Alright...

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@turnera is that the equivalent of advising girls to marry nerds?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Marrying nerds may not be a bad thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As men age.
As men mature.
As men wise...up.
As men get smart.

As men get....what it is they really want.

It is not the face, pretty as it may be.
It is not the figure....so much. It must be reasonable and somewhat in proportion.

It is the personality.
It is the compatibility.
It is the stroking received, mentally and physically.

It is the availability of the furry nether region. Given willing and happily.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

carlosbbb said:


> I know she's cheating in one way or another. The reason I don't get a friend to follow her is, she's most likely having an emotional affair online. She's done that before and in the aftermath said, "I only did it once, and I never even saw the guy in person, for Christ's sake." Uh, okay, do you really think I fell off the turnip truck just yesterday? And do you really think only doing it once, if that's the case, makes it totally okay?
> 
> And, yes, she is hot. Probably the hottest woman I've ever gone out with. Which, of course, is both good and bad.
> 
> If I could only tone down the love molecules that keep washing over me when we're together or when we talk on the phone or when she texts me, I'd be fine and dandy just letting this ... thing ... play out over time. But they keep swamping me and they keep my addiction to her in play. But maybe they'll lessen in impact over the time we are apart. Who knows?


So in her mind it is ok for her to reach and recycle her ex or find her next lover and until they physically hookup. Like a monkey swinging from vine to vine she will hook up and it's ok because you have been given prior notice as in 'duh, what did you expect?' or 'I'm sorry but you must have known this was going to happen because I and you have not been really connected lately' or the hundreds of other lame excuses two timers use to pardon their own behavior. 

At least she was nice enough to give you warning.


As far as love molecules imagine her ex's sperm swimming among them washing over you. Plenty of opportunity right now while you so far away. Nothing to stop her. Sorry but you have been warned.

Tell her you know she is in contact with her ex and that makes you uncomfortable but apparently she is not going to stop so tell her while apart the relationship is open. Also tell her you still want to see her in 3 weeks on your fun city holiday I suspect you pay for. Get a nice 5 star room in a luxury hotel, pop some Ecstasy or a 100MG Viagra and hit that meow like a rock star for 48 hours straight. Champagne! Give her the time of her life! Keep her bow legged. Remind her the relationship is open and get her to open up and admit how she is conflicted between the 2 of you. All the while have the cameras rolling. If she admits it's the ex then send him a nice POV video of you and her and tell him he can have her back. If its not her ex but someone new then hire a high end bi escort and have a hot 3way. If she is conflicted for a new lover AND her ex do both. Remind the beautiful love of your life the relationship is open and that you are conflicted too..


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Marriage, kids, financials etc I get the super secret agent man stuff. Long distance relationship with a confirmed serial cheater? Naw, spend your money and time in a better fashion.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Carlos, 

You wrote, said, *"I only did it once, and I never even saw the guy in person, for Christ's sake." Uh, okay, do you really think I fell off the turnip truck just yesterday? And do you really think only doing it once, if that's the case, makes it totally okay?*

The problem is that she is lying to you and she knows it, and it makes it that much easier to lie to you again and again. 

What did she do to compensate you for this? Did she change anything in her lifestyle besides becoming more secretive.

Did you inform the wife of the guy she had the affair with?

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Carlos,

As for what you can do now, possibly hire a hacker or become one yourself.

Tamat


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she is just a GF, not your wife. So the question really is: Should you snoop on her like she is your wife, OR try to communicate freely with her to find out what is really on her mind sexually? The main purpose of GF/BF relationships is to figure out if they are marrying material. If you have such concerns about her monogamous thinking while you are away for 4 months, and monogamy is important to you....then now is a perfect time to lay out your cards on the table, and have a frank discussion about it all. 

Would you not rather find out she is a nympho who can not wait 4 months NOW, rather than later after you married her?

AND, you might be willing to let her have some fun while you are away, so long as you also get the same "hall pass". The key would be honesty, rather than deception and lying


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why are you staying with someone that is cheating on you?

Suggestion, talk it out with her. 

The thing is if she can't stay true, why invest any more time?

Is it love she pours out or is it she just keeping you hoping.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not much you can do with out having followed ever now and then.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

carlosbbb said:


> OTR:I know what I should do, i also know what I'm going to do, if I can keep my act together and not have a meltdown between now and whenever a better opportunity for trying to find the truth should present itself. Lots of people can live with not knowing and get on with their lives. I am not one of them. In order to get on with my life, I need to know the truth or at least know that I made every best effort to get the truth, both of which will work for me.
> 
> So, yes, I'm with you: is an anyone actually gonna answer my question?


Carolsbbb; What I am puzzled about is that you have indicated that this happened before. My assumption is that you and she discussed this and you set "boundaries" on what would an would not be acceptable if your relationship was to continue then both of you made a choice to continue your relationship. If you didn't set boundaries you never resolved the problem.

If you set boundaries, then TALK TO HER ON YOUR WEEKEND, remind her of what those boundaries are, tell her the reasons for your suspicion and ask her to provide you with her passwords, and access if nothing happened. That will tell you if anything happened or not.

If you don't have the courage to do that or if you don't want to confront her with your fears, then yes, hire a PI.

Good luck, my suggestions would be to get some individual counseling, learn how to set boundaries in a relationship, and learn how to express yourself to your significant other.

Good luck.


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