# arranged marriage vs trial and error



## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

why is the rate of separation for couples who have had their parents directly involved in the match so much more successful, than the standard western method of try lots of people and see if one sticks, and is the sex life of couples who have arranged marriage better/more fulfilling or no than trial and error couples, any thoughts....


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hmmm. Kick this one out there. Perhaps because the arranged marriages are organised by the parents, there is more pressure to make the marriage a sucess than if we were to find our own partners.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

It really is very simple....both sets of parents know their children very well...they both want the absolute best for them... The result of which is that BOTH sets of parents put a great deal of 'work' into it.

Are they both from the same sort of back ground; culturally, religiously, financially etc, do they have the same sorts of interests, goals, morals etc etc.

So before the 'couple' even meet they are compatible on paper. 

As things progress and the couple 'like' each other and things deepen, the mother of the 'girl' will often explain the role of a wife in their particular culture (though I am sure this has changed over the years!)..including the importance of sex within a marriage.

The father of the 'son' will explain the role of a husband etc.

So, both parties are 'compatible', they are both fully aware of their roles in a marriage so they enter the marriage with their eyes WIDE OPEN.

A terrific amount of prep goes into it.... 

I am also sure that their religious beliefs and yes the 'not wanting to let their parents down' also helps in keeping the marriage sacred.

Anyone out there who IS in an arranged marriage like to comment??...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I am not sure it is the arranged marriage, the parental involvement, or the fact that there's usually a whole social and cultural dynamic surrounding the institution of arranged marriage, in places where that is commonly practiced.

I am only spectulating, but I would think that someone who is in a westernized culture, where the element of 'love before marriage' is the prevalent framework for getting married would have a very hard time with living with an arranged marriaged, and vice versa.

In otherwords, I do think it's the whole social and cultural fabric of a society that has more to do with how marriage is viewed and the commitment that is involved. As an example, in cultures where divorce is no-fault for either party, there is less incentive on both sides to try and work things out.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm sure the possibility of violence in some cultures has a lot to do with it.

Other cultures the parents of a disobeying spouse would be financial punished.

Still other cultures view the woman as property, cattle if you will, and she doesn't get much say.

Then there is a rigid, unwavering, social stigma that can be in place. Casting out anyone who doesn't follow tradition.

Some cultures its OK to rape, beat, torture and even kill your wife or daughters because of a dishonor brought to the family.

I'll keep our system, thanks.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> I'm sure the possibility of violence in some cultures has a lot to do with it.
> 
> Other cultures the parents of a disobeying spouse would be financial punished.
> 
> ...


Is this really it? or is this a stereotype? For example, I also work with many men from india, and this does not seem to be the case. I also lived in parts of Asia where people from the US held this stereotype about them, but it turned out to be mostly untrue. 

I'd like to see a deeper discussion and exploration of the matter because I don't think the stereotype really answers the question. I think it does make someone feel better about saying "I'll keep our system," though. 

I'm not looking to change a system, but would like to understand this issue a bit better myself.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Divorce still holds a huge stigma in countries where arranged marriage is common. People have the attitude that marriage is for life, and they do not consider divorce an option. Women do not have many opportunities to support themselves in these societies, and so they are not able to divorce. 

Our society emphasizes individual happiness, and that contributes to leaving your spouse over issues that would be ignored in a traditional society.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I believe arranged marriages last because there is o
So much cultural pressure to stay in them whether you are miserable or not.

I'll take the high divorce rate and the right to choose my own mate any day over an arrangedarriage/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chubster (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I believe arranged marriages last because there is o
> So much cultural pressure to stay in them whether you are miserable or not.
> 
> I'll take the high divorce rate and the right to choose my own mate any day over an arrangedarriage/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I', Indian so I have a little "inside info" here.

The stigmatism is now being dropped at a rate of knots. For my parents generation (aged 65+), and those before, it was a real no-no. For them, no matter how unhappy you were, you stuck around.

For my generation there is no real stigma anymore and the older generations now accept it. I know 3 (ex) couples of my generation who have divorced and it's now viewed as a failure of compatability rather than "dishonour".

Arranged marriages still work nowadays and have a higher success rate simply because of the "paperwork" and investigation being done beforehand - much like a dating website. Once you meet then it's up to you but all the, sometimes, awkward issues of whether you have the same upbringing (style, values, ethos, culture etc) are resolved before that.

Most of the people I know have had arranged marriages are just as happy as me and my wife (we met at university).

Lots to be said for it I suppose - but it wasn't for me.


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