# Need advice regarding past affair



## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

Hello all!
First some background on my marriage. I married my best friend over 10 years ago. Our marriage was mostly good with its ups and downs. After the birth of our daughter (3 years in) we both felt we started to drift away from each other and eventually my wife began getting depressed. I made many attempts to convince her to get help and to try to get us help, but she always made an excuse and we never did.

A little over a year ago I found out that my wife had being seeing and old friend of hers behind my back. When I confronted her she said we wanted us to separate, but she was staying in his house. She said she just did not love me anymore and had not since our daughter wa born. It seemed there was nothing I could do to get her back and then she admitting to being unfaithful with him. I was crushed! I have never felt pain like this before! 

Fast forward some, we did end up working it out and getting back together. We went to a marriage retreat which helped and we thought things were going well. We found out that we had communication issues and my wife figured out that she could not deal with her feelings and emotions correctly. We figured out her parents were narcissistic and neglected her emotional needs as a child. This explained why we could never talk about our feelings without her getting defensive. 

Over the past several months I have been growing concerned that we have been getting distant from each other. My wife has all symptoms of depression. I went out of town overnight for a business trip and found out my wife was in contact with her ex affair partner again. At first she lied and did not tell me the truth, but I found phone records and that she had friended him on Facebook when he use to be blocked. She told me she was going to a girlfriends house and wanted to make sure he was not going to be there and ensured me she was not going to see him. Since she was going to the girlfriends house to get something back from her and it would have been confrontational she just wanted to show up at her house without calling. She had no idea how much just calling him and talking to him for almost an hour on the phone devastated me! She claimed she was only telling him how good her marriage was now and how she was wrong to leave me but to me I don't want him to know anything about us! To me it fees like the phone call in itself was another affair as it is bringing back many painful memories. I also now realize that I never fully healed. My wife tells me she will do whatever it takes to heal our marriage, but I am still rocked by the fact that she could talk to him. I had even called her in the middle of their conversation and when we hung up she called him back. I am also rocked by the fact that she lied to me at first and denied talking to him. 

Suggestions? Is this phone call considered an affair in itself? With trust gone and my emotions going crazy I am in a fog. We are getting back into counseling and I do love her, but I don't know what to do.

Thanks


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go see a lawyer. 

She doesn't get it man. She just doesn't and she never will. You established your boundary: that she never speak to this man again. She violated that boundary. She has no respect for you or the marriage. Tell her to pack her bags and leave. And mean it. 

You're looking for a magic pill to solve this. The only thing that may get her attention is filing. Some people just don't learn, and she's one of them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Something stinks here. Sorry, but I'm not buying the whole "I unblocked and friended him on FB and then called and spoke w/ him for an hour just to make sure that he wouldn't be at so-and-so's house and also to tell him how wonderful our marriage is these days" bullsh*t. 

And you shouldn't either.

Sooooo... What kind of phone does your wife use?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" We figured out her parents were narcissistic and neglected her emotional needs as a child. "

see? it wasn't her fault, it was her parent's fault! or the weather! or the fact that her team didn't get into the superbowl! see, it's not her fault at all!!

sounds like a rugsweep and repeat

she was fishing to fire it back up


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Those are the instructions on a lot of shampoo bottles. It's an infinite loop.

Me, I lather, i rinse. Screw the repeat part. Not today anyway.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Something stinks here. Sorry, but I'm not buying the whole "I unblocked and friended him on FB and then called and spoke w/ him for an hour just to make sure that he wouldn't be at so-and-so's house and also to tell him how wonderful our marriage is these days" bullsh*t.
> 
> And you shouldn't either.
> 
> Sooooo... What kind of phone does your wife use?


Samsung Note 3


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jamessa said:


> Samsung Note 3


Do you have the user ID and password for her Google Play account?

And by the way, you should probably edit your initial post and remove your "signature" (i.e. your name) from the end of it.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

This ex girlfriends house (sister of the ex affair partner) is the house she stayed at when she left me a year ago When she came back to me she left her highschool ring there. We decided a year ago it was not worth trying to get it back. Family members offered for us, but my wife declined then. She said a mutual friend was talking to her on Facebook that night and said the sister of the affair partner was wearing my wife's ring. That made my wife mad and she decided to go to her house at 1 am to try to get it back. Problem is that is where her ex affair partner lived too. That is why she is claiming she called him to only make sure he was not going to be there. I am not defending her, just clarifying the story some. It makes no sense why she would have called him and spoke to him for almost an hour. My wife never made it to anyone's house because she got pulled over on the way for a DUI! Since the story made no sense to me I started looking around. I found the phone calls in the cell phone records and found her friending him on Facebook that night and the unfriending him the next day after her mom bailed her out of jail. I know sitting in jail all night would have brought some clarity to what she was doing. When I confronted her with the Facebook info and phone e records then she confesses she was talking to him. In the beginning she claimed she had not contacted him. She still insists she was not on the way to see him ( he moved out of that house and lives elsewhere.) The only way I could try and prove otherwise is to call and ask him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

She is still in the affair and is just plain lying to you.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you have the user ID and password for her Google Play account?
> 
> And by the way, you should probably edit your initial post and remove your "signature" (i.e. your name) from the end of it.


Yes I do, why?

Thanks I removed it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you have the user ID and password for her Google Play account?





jamessa said:


> Yes I do, why?


Because it's time to get *sneaky*.

Read this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/212082-facebook-friend.html

What kind of phone do you use?

Also, you mentioned that she's since unfriended him on FB... has she re-blocked him as well?

Does she use any other electronic devices? A tablet or laptop, perhaps?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jamessa said:


> This ex girlfriends house (sister of the ex affair partner) is the house she stayed at when she left me a year ago When she came back to me she left her highschool ring there. We decided a year ago it was not worth trying to get it back. Family members offered for us, but my wife declined then. She said a mutual friend was talking to her on Facebook that night and said the sister of the affair partner was wearing my wife's ring. That made my wife mad and she decided to go to her house at 1 am to try to get it back. Problem is that is where her ex affair partner lived too. That is why she is claiming she called him to only make sure he was not going to be there. I am not defending her, just clarifying the story some. It makes no sense why she would have called him and spoke to him for almost an hour. My wife never made it to anyone's house because she got pulled over on the way for a DUI! Since the story made no sense to me I started looking around. I found the phone calls in the cell phone records and found her friending him on Facebook that night and the unfriending him the next day after her mom bailed her out of jail. I know sitting in jail all night would have brought some clarity to what she was doing. When I confronted her with the Facebook info and phone e records then she confesses she was talking to him. In the beginning she claimed she had not contacted him. She still insists she was not on the way to see him ( he moved out of that house and lives elsewhere.) The only way I could try and prove otherwise is to call and ask him.



Really? Let's go get the high school ring at 1 AM while three sheets to the wind? Let's call ahead to assure OM is not there? 

Time to cut bait sir. She is emotionally attached to the OM. Alcohol got her mind going and wanting to see OM. Old school ring was a good excuse as any to go to the house where she conducted the affair. If OM moved out then why the call ahead? 

Get a lawyer. She needs one as well for the D and the DUI.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

It does not take an hour to tell someone how great a marriage is. She shouldnt be on the phone with him to begin with. The call is a a clear sign its still going on. If she was seriously commited to saving the marriage she'd be doing everything she could to save it and talking to him and befriending him on fb is not saving a marriage. I know you love her but can you really live like this? I would set ultimatums and some boundaries and tell her if one is crossed you're gone- and mean it! Trust me, if she wants to savd this marriage she wont cross them. If she does- then there is your answer. It is up to you what you will and wont put up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Really? Let's go get the high school ring at 1 AM while three sheets to the wind? Let's call ahead to assure OM is not there?
> 
> Time to cut bait sir. She is emotionally attached to the OM. Alcohol got her mind going and wanting to see OM. Old school ring was a good excuse as any to go to the house where she conducted the affair. If OM moved out then why the call ahead?
> 
> Get a lawyer. She needs one as well for the D and the DUI.


I'm more inclined to believe that she got drunk (and probably w/ OM) while at the OM's sister's place and got pulled over on the drive back home.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It doesn't really matter what any of us believe, you're here because is sure looks like you don't believe. 
Either she's lying and she's in an A.
Or she's lying and she has no boundaries for a healthy relationship. 
Follow Gus's advice about collecting information.
Don't make a rash decision about anything until you know enough, and when that is is up to you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'd also offer the advice that it appears you both did a bit of rug sweeping for the first A. Did you just accept what she said about ending it? Were there boundaries established then? Counseling? Did she show real remorse and answer all your questions?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm more inclined to believe that she got drunk (and probably w/ OM) while at the OM's sister's place and got pulled over on the drive back home.


We can be sure of one thing...alcohol involvement was the driver of any and all actions this evening. She has OM on the mind. Alcohol brought him into the light this night.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I'd also offer the advice that it appears you both did a bit of rug sweeping for the first A. Did you just accept what she said about ending it? Were there boundaries established then? Counseling? Did she show real remorse and answer all your questions?


We started working on some of her personal issues with her parent. We did sweep a lot under the rug and we both realize that now. She went to counseling to help her with the issues with herself but not our marriage or the affair. We did attend a weekend siminar called Marriage restored and it helped. Boundaries were set back then for no contact and we actually changed her phone number and she left Facebook for 3 months. It is almost as if she could not understand why contacting him again now would hurt so much. I have now learned I never correctly processed my feelings and she learned she did not do what she needed to do to help me recover. We just purchased a book called How to help your spouse heal from an affair. We have started reading it together. We have a counseling appointment set for Thursday. The issue that I see is she has issues that stem back from her childhood because her parents never valided her feelings. This is emotional neglect and it has affected her as an adult. She had a hard time with understanding her own feeling and emotions much less mine. This makes it hard for her to show empathy and it also tends to make her selfish. I do worry that she may only halfway commit to doing what needs to be done to finally address my feelings, needs and emotions regarding what has happened. I realized I was more concerned about hers and never delt with mine or had mine delt with. I have a glimmer of hope now, but I am also extremely hurt.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

Would you consider the phone call itself as an affair? I can't wrap my head around that one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jamessa, you're not listening. 

Take a break until tomorrow when you have your head screwed on straight and you can comprehend what's being said to you. You are grasping at straws right now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Bandit is right.
We're not going anywhere


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

J, 
Your trying to make the phone call a new affair is a bit misguided. This was a continuation, re-commencing, or whatever you want to call it. It still was a deliberate betrayal. Its tough to be honest about the horrible things that YOUR one true love did to you. Your wife, maybe against her better judgment, is lying to you, lied to you, and will continue to lie to you about this.

You wife did not have an hour long conversation about how great the marriage was. Here is how you prove it. Have her give you, as best she can, a word for word recounting of the conversation to account for the time. When she can't recall words, ask her how long did it take for him to express his concept to her and then how long did it take her to express her concepts. Why did she have to resume talking after you had called her? 

You see, this is a really short conversation: Him: I miss us. Her: Look, I really regret what happened. I'm working on my marriage. My husband is a great guy and really deserves better. I'm going to be the wife that he needs me to be. Whatever you and I had was not real and I want to forget about it. Please, don't contact me again. (How long did that take to read? Now say it out loud and tell me how long it took). Damn sure did not take an hour. 

Your wife and this guy had a flirtatious conversation, at best. They talked about old times. They talked about some physical stuff. You know how you and your wife talked when you were dating? Those stupid, "I love you" conversations that ended with "You hang up first". Well that is what she had. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

First step to reconcile or to file for divorce is to let sh*t get real for her, do this: make her recount the conversation. Make her explain every freaking minute. Don't give her a break. Then calmly tell her, the following: "I am going to give you one chance to tell me the complete truth about the conversation, if you leave anything out no matter how much you think it will hurt me to know the truth, then we are over." Then tell her, "I believe that you have lied to me, but I have it in me to forgive this lie right at this moment. Take your time and look into my eyes and thus my soul to see how serious I am about what I have said, if you lie to me then we are done. I can live with a painful truth, but I cannot live with a lie. You have one chance". Then ask her to tell you the story again. I believe you will get a different story.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I think you need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and...
Married Mans Sex Life Primer.
And to show what you think of her word (which should be very little) go get a DNA kit and test your d.
You have been a "nice guy" too long.
Good luck.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Not an affair itself, but a severity 1 violation of a condition to R you've set (and she agreed to). Think parole violation. Somebody got drunk, went behind the wheel, killed somebody and went to jail. As a condition of an earlier release he agreed to stay sober. If he's caught drunk again its instant back to jail not because he killed another person but because he violated the condition that allowed him to be on the streets. 



jamessa said:


> Would you consider the phone call itself as an affair? I can't wrap my head around that one.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jamessa said:


> Hello all!
> First some background on my marriage. I married my best friend over 10 years ago. Our marriage was mostly good with its ups and downs. After the birth of our daughter (3 years in) we both felt we started to drift away from each other and eventually my wife began getting depressed. I made many attempts to convince her to get help and to try to get us help, but she always made an excuse and we never did.
> 
> A little over a year ago I found out that my wife had being seeing and old friend of hers behind my back. When I confronted her she said we wanted us to separate, but she was staying in his house. She said she just did not love me anymore and had not since our daughter wa born. It seemed there was nothing I could do to get her back and then she admitting to being unfaithful with him. I was crushed! I have never felt pain like this before!
> ...


What does her psychiatrist say about her depression? Please note I said psychiatrist, not counsellor, depression needs to be dealt with by an appropriate expert. Perhaps with medication.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> What does her psychiatrist say about her depression? Please note I said psychiatrist, not counsellor, depression needs to be dealt with by an appropriate expert. Perhaps with medication.


She was encouraged to go to one by me as I knew she was depressed. She had all of the symptoms. After all of this recent crap she now admits she was / is depressed and her Dr. put her on Cymbalta. For now we are back to our Marriage counselor.


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## jamessa (Aug 12, 2014)

Regrading this phone call my gut tells me something is not right about it and something is being left out. I have pressed her many times about it and she holds firm on her story. I personally think he was excited about the call, because I can just imagine he would be. He is the one who made the first move on my wife and wanted her. She stated that he did most of the talking in the phone call. She told me he said they were still friends and she stated that her response was that no they can not be friends. She stated that she told him after the call to never call her again or contact her and that was it. Then I confronted her with the fact that he texted her 2 times after the call. She then changed that said she told him the next day via Facebook and unfriended him, which I can verify she did.

It will come up in our counseling session on Thursday and I hope to see if more comes out then. If she was in fact on her way to see him that night she had plenty of time to sober up and realize what she did since she was in lockup. 

So many lies. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I really am thankful for every bodies input on here.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

So to summarise :

She talked to OM despite the NC rule - strike 1
She lied about the scope and follow up from this discussion - strike 2
She either has been or was on her way to the place where f2f contact with OM was likely - strike 3

What's wrong with that picture? 



jamessa said:


> Regrading this phone call my gut tells me something is not right about it and something is being left out. I have pressed her many times about it and she holds firm on her story. I personally think he was excited about the call, because I can just imagine he would be. He is the one who made the first move on my wife and wanted her. She stated that he did most of the talking in the phone call. She told me he said they were still friends and she stated that her response was that no they can not be friends. She stated that she told him after the call to never call her again or contact her and that was it. Then I confronted her with the fact that he texted her 2 times after the call. She then changed that said she told him the next day via Facebook and unfriended him, which I can verify she did.
> 
> It will come up in our counseling session on Thursday and I hope to see if more comes out then. If she was in fact on her way to see him that night she had plenty of time to sober up and realize what she did since she was in lockup.
> 
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can an individual work on a relationship with someone else and have so much work to do on them selves?

I think one needs to fix them selves then they can bring in another person.

Marriage counseling is great but I think the starting point in any relationship is having the individual counseling that gives one the tools to fix ones self....then you can work on getting the tools to bring in someone else so one can have a healthy relation with their SO.

I'm thinking your old lady has a hell of a lot of work to do as an individual so she can be emotionally healthy before she can work on having a health relationship with you.

Just some food for thought before you think MC will do any good.

As an individual she needs the tools to affair proof her marriage and that has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her having the tools to make healthy choices for a healthy marriage.

Granted you have your part in all of this but in the end *she* has made some unhealthy choices that she alone needs to address with regard to the lying, deceiving and betrayal not only towards you but her own moral compass.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jamessa said:


> This ex girlfriends house (sister of the ex affair partner) is the house she stayed at when she left me a year ago When she came back to me she left her highschool ring there. We decided a year ago it was not worth trying to get it back. Family members offered for us, but my wife declined then. She said a mutual friend was talking to her on Facebook that night and said the sister of the affair partner was wearing my wife's ring. That made my wife mad and she decided to go to her house at 1 am to try to get it back. Problem is that is where her ex affair partner lived too. That is why she is claiming she called him to only make sure he was not going to be there. I am not defending her, just clarifying the story some. It makes no sense why she would have called him and spoke to him for almost an hour. My wife never made it to anyone's house because she got pulled over on the way for a DUI! Since the story made no sense to me I started looking around. I found the phone calls in the cell phone records and found her friending him on Facebook that night and the unfriending him the next day after her mom bailed her out of jail. I know sitting in jail all night would have brought some clarity to what she was doing. When I confronted her with the Facebook info and phone e records then she confesses she was talking to him. In the beginning she claimed she had not contacted him. She still insists she was not on the way to see him ( he moved out of that house and lives elsewhere.) The only way I could try and prove otherwise is to call and ask him.


So the only real facts in this are she got pulled over for dui and she forgot her class ring when she moved out. The rest of this is her fairytale and you know that already.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You sure do seem to make a lot of excuses for her. Has she suffered ANY consequences from you due to her behavior if you don't mind me asking??


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You know what's going on. I think you are here hoping we will tell you that she's not cheating again.


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

i'm quoting the entirety of bigfoot's comment, because i think that it is advice that you should follow in a meticulous fashion. i also agree with other posters that say you make far too many excuses for her. do not forget that as soon as she got off the phone with you, she couldn't wait to call him back again. that does not sound like a one-sided conversation. unfortunately, your wife finds it easy to lie.


"J, 
Your trying to make the phone call a new affair is a bit misguided. This was a continuation, re-commencing, or whatever you want to call it. It still was a deliberate betrayal. Its tough to be honest about the horrible things that YOUR one true love did to you. Your wife, maybe against her better judgment, is lying to you, lied to you, and will continue to lie to you about this.

You wife did not have an hour long conversation about how great the marriage was. Here is how you prove it. Have her give you, as best she can, a word for word recounting of the conversation to account for the time. When she can't recall words, ask her how long did it take for him to express his concept to her and then how long did it take her to express her concepts. Why did she have to resume talking after you had called her? 

You see, this is a really short conversation: Him: I miss us. Her: Look, I really regret what happened. I'm working on my marriage. My husband is a great guy and really deserves better. I'm going to be the wife that he needs me to be. Whatever you and I had was not real and I want to forget about it. Please, don't contact me again. (How long did that take to read? Now say it out loud and tell me how long it took). Damn sure did not take an hour. 

Your wife and this guy had a flirtatious conversation, at best. They talked about old times. They talked about some physical stuff. You know how you and your wife talked when you were dating? Those stupid, "I love you" conversations that ended with "You hang up first". Well that is what she had. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

First step to reconcile or to file for divorce is to let sh*t get real for her, do this: make her recount the conversation. Make her explain every freaking minute. Don't give her a break. Then calmly tell her, the following: "I am going to give you one chance to tell me the complete truth about the conversation, if you leave anything out no matter how much you think it will hurt me to know the truth, then we are over." Then tell her, "I believe that you have lied to me, but I have it in me to forgive this lie right at this moment. Take your time and look into my eyes and thus my soul to see how serious I am about what I have said, if you lie to me then we are done. I can live with a painful truth, but I cannot live with a lie. You have one chance". Then ask her to tell you the story again. I believe you will get a different story."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jamessa said:


> She was encouraged to go to one by me as I knew she was depressed. She had all of the symptoms. After all of this recent crap she now admits she was / is depressed and her Dr. put her on Cymbalta. For now we are back to our Marriage counselor.


Ask your doctor for a referral to an expert for her.

A marriage counsellor might not be what's required for her.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

As mentioned before, the bottom line is that your wife lied to you and has shown you a lot of dis-respect.

Its now up to you as to what you are willing to put up with.

From what you put down of your story, your wife is not remorseful at all and is not doing much to make up for her prior/current actions.

Good luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jamessa said:


> I went out of town overnight for a business trip and found out my wife was in contact with her ex affair partner again. At first she lied and did not tell me the truth, but I found phone records and that she had friended him on Facebook when he use to be blocked. She told me she was going to a girlfriends house and wanted to make sure he was not going to be there and ensured me she was not going to see him


1) What does Friending him on Facebook have to do with her making sure that he was not going to be at the friend's house? Friending him on Facebook has every thing to do with them being able to exchange text messages with each other that does not show up on her phone bill, and thus can be deleted without a trace.

2) What does a 3 minute conversation to make sure that he would not be at the friend's house have to do with her talking to him for an hour? Talking to him for an hour alone, just the two of them when you are out of town, is cheating in and of itself, thus cheating for sure just to avoid the possibility of seeing him there as she confronts her girlfriend does not make sense. 

3) What does lying to you about the contact that she had with her affair partner have to do with her making sure that he was not going to be at the friend's house?

You forgave her based on her promise of full no contact with her affair partner that she left you to move in with in the past, and based on the promise of full transparency going forward. She broke both of those promises. You sensed that something was wrong again when she was distancing herself from you, and you were right. Sorry you did more than most would have done when you forgave her for leaving you for the affair partner the first time. Time to find a wife that you do not have to check the phone records of; doing that the rest of your life is nuts.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jamessa said:


> She then changed that said she told him the next day via Facebook


 Just like I said in my last post that cheaters use Facebook to send texts that do not show up on the bill and are gone without a trace after being deleted. If she was not drunk and arrested for DUI, she would have unfriended him before you found out.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Maybe do this after reading MMSLP.

"Dearest, I told you and you agreed to no contact with OM. You broke that agreement by your own choice. The consequences of this and your consistent lies are these divorce papers. You no longer have the LTR values I so desire in a wife."

It's your choice not hers to R or D. You can always stop the process at any time. It puts you In the drivers seat with the relationship. Stop reacting to her crap. Take ownership of the situation. 

Read up on MMSLP. Lots of good info there for you.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jamessa said:


> It is almost as if she could not understand why contacting him again now would hurt so much. I have now learned I never correctly processed my feelings and she learned she did not do what she needed to do to help me recover.


James, James, James. What are we going to do with you my man? You already know the answer to all this. Her depression is likely caused by being stuck in a kiddie trap with you while she watches her life dwindle away. When you take off the rose colored glass you'll realize one thing. Youre the frog and the other guy is the prince. Its been that way since she lost romantic interest in you and started seeing this guy. Its really simple Dawg. She's calling this guy to feel close to him and he makes her feel all tingly inside.
Let me explain it to you as to why she appears to not understand why contacting him hurt you so much. She simply doesn't give a rats azz. Women are that way. When they lose interest in you, your hurt feeling are not their concern.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

See, Jamessa, what is so abundantly clear to all of us here is that you are going to look for any loophole, any circumstance to exonerate your wife for screwing you over again. You are so desperate for all of this to be a big mistake that you are deliberately blinding yourself to reality. 

She broke your no-contact rule and contacted the OM again after looking him up on Facebook, a blatant and gratuitous act in itself. Then she planned to go and see him in person. All the while giving you some lame ass excuse for doing so. 

We can see it, she knows she did it, and then there is you: grasping for whatever tendrils you can find to console yourself and delude yourself and brainwash yourself into believing she did not break your agreement. Your desperation is palpable. If I can sense it on the other side of the internet, what do you think your wife feels when she's standing three feet from you?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> See, Jamessa, what is so abundantly clear to all of us here is that you are going to look for any loophole, any circumstance to exonerate your wife for screwing you over again. You are so desperate for all of this to be a big mistake that you are deliberately blinding yourself to reality.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree: QFT

She waits for you to go out of town, friends her affair partner on FB (where she admits she texted him on FB), chats with him over the phone for an hour, heads to his sister's house (where she use to live with her affair partner) at 1:00 am claiming that he would not be there, gets drunk so she can claim she only cheated because she was drunk, gets arrested which is the only reason that she did not make it to the house that she use to sleep with him at during the last affair, and then lies to you at every turn. It is obvious that if she had not slept in jail that night she would have slept with him, but Bandit is right, you are looking for "any circumstance to exonerate your wife for screwing you over again".


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for the pain - I do understand why this phone call would be hurtful, but I am not sure it would be considered an "affair". Is it a breach of trust? I would say based on your response "yes" because your wife needs to protect the sanctity of this marriage. Considering the fact that there has already been an affair between the two, making contact seems very inappropriate. Have you called a counselor yet? Asking her to go and waiting for her to respond positively is not the same thing as taking the initiative to act. How about this for an approach, "I love you honey and I value our marriage, but I don't think you understand how hurtful it is to me and to our relationship when you make contact with this man. I have made an appointment with a counselor, and although I cannot force you to go, I am inviting you to come along and demonstrate that you care about our marriage as much as I do."

There is a book I highly recommend called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ that could be very helpful. I also am very familiar with a Christian Ministry that offers one free counseling session by phone with a licensed counselor. They could give feedback on how to move forward. If you would like this information please send me a private message.

Again, as a man who has experienced a divorce, I understand the pain you feel. You cannot control your wife but there are steps you can take that are more helpful than others to get a positive response. That's why I recommend the book I mentioned so highly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope this is a help. Blessings!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No contact means no contact means no contact. It doesn't get any clearer than that. The problem is that you're trying to justify anything not to force any consequences. Oh, she's depressed...yeah right. Are you a trained psychiatrist to diagnose her with depression? No are you aren't. Stop rugsweeping this.


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