# Question about friendship with the opposite sex.



## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

Recently, I was helping an employee that works in the environment that I work, move some laptops up to her classroom. With her being the Social Science teacher, (Home Ec), i asked her if she would be able to give me some input on how to go about designing my Halloween costume. After a chatting and coming up with a few design ideas, we exchanged cell phone numbers, so we could send pictures of different ideas how to go about putting it together.

She came into work the following weekend to do some marking, so I brought in everything I had purchased, and we both worked on it together. (I work IT on the weekends in the school). After spending the day working together, we found out we had a lot of stuff in common, and even knew a few of the same people we used to hang out with in the past. At the Halloween part that night, I had texted her a few pictures of my wife and I in our costumes, and we had a good laugh. The next day, she came into work to finish up some marking. My office is right next to her classroom, so I popped in for a coffee and a chat, and to thank her for the help.

Since then, we have been in contact with each other every day, via text. Our conversations have absolutely nothing to do with sex. She is married as well, but doesn't have any kids, due to medical reasons. We have both questioned our interactions, and came to the conclusion that since we have so much in common, that we feel comfortable talking openly with each other. 

This past weekend, I had brought up the fact that I wanted to change my career path, and go in to child and youth counseling within the school, and right away she started helping me looking into the different information. My family was away for the night, and her and I were up pretty late, texting about my possible career change, and the different options available.

Here's my question. Are we doing something wrong by conversating the way we do? Neither of us have made any sexual advances towards the other.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Texting everyday? That's called an emotional affair, even if it has no sexual content. That's just a matter of time because right now, the two of you are laying the ground work for that next step. You are treading on dangerous ground and you don't even know it. Would you be comfortable showing your wife all the texts between you two, and what do you think your wife would say after reading all of it?

Did you discussed the career change with your wife first or did you go directly to your coworker? Has this coworker taken your wife's place on an emotional/friendship level? How would you feel if your wife texted with a male coworker every day and late into the night? You have a conscience; listen to it's silent voice.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> but doesn't have any kids, due to medical reasons.


How do you know that already? Do you know if menstruates regularly as well?

Think about your other friendships. How often do you text, message, Facebook, call, share pictures with? And then ask, how regular / normal is this friend?


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Texting everyday? That's called an emotional affair, even if it has no sexual content. That's just a matter of time because right now, the two of you are laying the ground work for that next step. You are treading on dangerous ground and you don't even know it. Would you be comfortable showing your wife all the texts between you two, and what do you think your wife would say after reading all of it?
> 
> Did you discussed the career change with your wife first or did you go directly to your coworker? Has this coworker taken your wife's place on an emotional/friendship level? How would you feel if your wife texted with a male coworker every day and late into the night? You have a conscience; listen to it's silent voice.


Thanks for your feedback. For me, I'm not seeing it as an emotional affair. Is she attractive? Yes, but like I said, neither of us have made any sexual advances towards one another. 

And I am not disagreeing with everything you are saying, as you may be correct about a few things. 

No, I haven't told my wife about our conversations. I asked her if her husband knew that we talked, and she said no, because she would be afraid he'd get mad at her...jesus... Maybe I'm wrong.  

I went back and reread some of our conversation from Saturday night. I was extremely tired, and don't remember much of what was said, but then I came across this, of what she said:

"I think we just feel comfortable talking and are somehow filling a void with a sort of companionship. I've been trying to figure it out. Because I don't really understand it or haven't had this happen before?
I don't know what I'm trying to say."

OK, now that I've established this, what the hell do I do? I enjoy talking with her, maybe because it IS filling some void, but I don't want to just... Stop! 

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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> How do you know that already? Do you know if menstruates regularly as well?
> 
> Think about your other friendships. How often do you text, message, Facebook, call, share pictures with? And then ask, how regular / normal is this friend?


I never looked at it from that perspective. As for the children issue, she informed me of the reasons why, and I ended the conversation, because I felt as though I was evading some privacy. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Both of you are hooked on each other's ego kibbles. You said it yourself that you don't want to stop. She has latched on to you to fill a void. But you say you disagree that it's an emotional affair? Puh-leaze. That's textbook script on how an affair begins. It's so common it's become a cliché. "It started out as an innocent friendship, but it turned into more." It's a plot to a typical Maury Povich show.

Have you deleted any of the texts on your phone? Have you thought about deleting some of it? If you have, that's because on a subconscious level, you know it's inappropriate. Go ahead and show the texts to your wife and ask what she thinks? If you won't because you're afraid of how she might react, that should tell you all you need to know. 

Suggest to your coworker that you both would stop all contact for a month and see how you both feel. The withdrawal will be obvious. 

Golden Rule applies here. Put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if your wife said she doesn't want to stop texting her male coworker everyday. How would you feel as the husband?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
What you are currently experiencing are the beginnings of a romantic relationship. If you care about your honor and integrity, you should end one before beginning another. Also, you mentioned several times that you two never exchanged any "sexual" insinuations. Consider this, that romance and sex is like dance. Perhaps not as carefully choreographed, or maybe it is, but nevertheless, the point is you are dancing.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're investing time with her that is not being spent on your wife & family. It's being emotionally unfaithful and it starts innocently. 

You could have made the costume with your wife and bonded. You chose to do it with another woman. 

She is doing the same as you, but to her husband.

You're on a slippery slope. I guarantee if your wife was late night texting with a coworker (all innocent stuff, of course!), you'd be singing a different tune here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A couple of times a week or a month? That'd be one thing.

But every day? That's possibly going to leads somewhere unfortunate.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So you only think of this woman as a "friend"….. I assume you were also texting all your buddies about your halloween costume right? I assume you texted your buddies pictures of you and your wife in the finished costumes right? I assume you stop in at other faculty members office for coffee and conversation right? I assume you have talked with your buddies about a possible career change right? Probably stayed up late into the night discussing options with them right? I assume you are texting your buddies every day right? I assume you share all the texting/conversations and coffee time you have with this woman with your wife right? 

I assume you are spreading your friendship around and not just focusing on this woman right? I mean because if suddenly you were focusing all your "friendship" on her that changes the dynamics from "friendship" to relationship, and the only woman you should be having a relationship with is your wife. If you're not sure just ask you're wife what she thinks, as your "best friend" I bet she has some strong opinions and good advise she will happily share with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cooper said:


> So you only think of this woman as a "friend"….. I assume you were also texting all your buddies about your halloween costume right? I assume you texted your buddies pictures of you and your wife in the finished costumes right? I assume you stop in at other faculty members office for coffee and conversation right? I assume you have talked with your buddies about a possible career change right? Probably stayed up late into the night discussing options with them right? I assume you are texting your buddies every day right? I assume you share all the texting/conversations and coffee time you have with this woman with your wife right?
> 
> I assume you are spreading your friendship around and not just focusing on this woman right? I mean because if suddenly you were focusing all your "friendship" on her that changes the dynamics from "friendship" to relationship, and the only woman you should be having a relationship with is your wife. If your not sure just ask you're wife what she thinks, as your "best friend" I bet she has some strong opinions and good advise she will happily share with you.


Well, yes, but the fact is that if you speak to a female friend about a Halloween costume -for example- they'd think nothing of it.

But if you spoke to a male friend about a Halloween costume -for example- would that ever really happen? I doubt it.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Pressed4Time,

we need to be very careful on how we interact with the opposite friends at work. Opening up to them and building friendship is risky business. Tell your wife about the interaction with your new friend and see what she says. Tell her everything.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Pressed4Time said:


> Here's my question. Are we doing something wrong by conversating the way we do? Neither of us have made any sexual advances towards the other.


Hypothetically imagine your wife telling you to end all contact with this person (you can still work together, but no further conversations allowed). Even though this may seem completely arbitrary for your wife to do something like this, and you might feel frustrated at her for just failing to understand that nothing is wrong with how you communicate with your coworker, how would you react:

A) Agree with your wife and tell your coworker that it is best to end the friendship.

B) Get upset and tell your wife she has no right to choose what friendships you can and can not have.

C) Agree with her, but continue communicating with this person anyway without telling her.

D) Try to get your wife to be friends with this person so she can see there is no threat and you make it a point to meet her husband and equally be friends with him. 

If you are having an emotional affair, then one of the first three options would feel logical. If the last option seems awkward, be aware that this is likely what normal people would do. Normal people make friends with couples as a couple. In the event your friendship is innocent, be very aware that SHE may be enjoying it a little too much and hiding it from her husband. Then when you tell her it is best not to be friends anymore, she keys your car in the parking lot and spreads rumors about you that destroys your career because you hurt her feelings!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Pressed4Time said:


> Recently, I was helping an employee that works in the environment that I work, move some laptops up to her classroom. With her being the Social Science teacher, (Home Ec), i asked her if she would be able to give me some input on how to go about designing my Halloween costume. After a chatting and coming up with a few design ideas, we exchanged cell phone numbers, so we could send pictures of different ideas how to go about putting it together.
> 
> She came into work the following weekend to do some marking, so I brought in everything I had purchased, and we both worked on it together. (I work IT on the weekends in the school). After spending the day working together, we found out we had a lot of stuff in common, and even knew a few of the same people we used to hang out with in the past. At the Halloween part that night, I had texted her a few pictures of my wife and I in our costumes, and we had a good laugh. The next day, she came into work to finish up some marking. My office is right next to her classroom, so I popped in for a coffee and a chat, and to thank her for the help.
> 
> ...


The sheer fact that you're questioning this (and have each questioned it with one another) implies there's a connection there, beyond friendship.

If you were not somehow attracted to this woman, it wouldn't have occurred to you at all.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Pressed4Time said:


> Thanks for your feedback. For me, *I'm not seeing it as an emotional affair. *Is she attractive? Yes, but like I said, *neither of us have made any sexual advances towards one another. *
> 
> And I am not disagreeing with everything you are saying, as you may be correct about a few things.
> 
> No, I haven't told my wife about our conversations. I asked her if her husband knew that we talked, and she said no, because she would be afraid he'd get mad at her...jesus... Maybe I'm wrong.


OK, so the first bolded, how many people do you honestly think see an emotional affair, when they are actually knee deep in an emotional affair?

Second bolded, an emotional affair has nothing to do with sexual advances, you are using that to justify you are not involved in an emotional affair. There are many ways to focus your energy on another person who is not your SO without sex being involved (although that will probably be the natural course over time).

Your last statement, you have not told your W and she has not told her H, why is that exactly???


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## Alli3fire (Oct 23, 2016)

When you see a text on your phone from her...how big is your smile? You're having an affair already.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

A career change is a major move in your life. You should have shared that with your wife first. Instead, you shared it with your female co-worker. You are already in an emotional affair. You have shifted allegiance to your new friend. If I am your wife, I would be definitely be hurt. 

Get out of this relationship now. Your relationship is no longer "just a friendship". Tell your wife what you have done. Do not rugsweep this situation. You need to understand that to survive and thrive, you must safeguard your marriage. 

By the way, how old are you and your wife? How long have you been married?


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

OK, OK. Thanks for all the responses. I didn't feel as though it was nothing more then a friendship. Guess I was just being naive about all of it. 

When it comes to the schooling part, I've brought this to the attention of my wife, before this coworker, but my wife wasn't as understanding towards it. I think maybe that might be one of the reasons why I've been talking to her. 

I'll text her later today and let her know that we should stop the conversations. Thanks for opening my eyes on the subject. I honestly didn't see it as much of an issue as I do now. 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Satya said:


> *You're investing time with her that is not being spent on your wife & family. It's being emotionally unfaithful and it starts innocently.
> 
> *You could have made the costume with your wife and bonded. You chose to do it with another woman.
> 
> ...


Agreed. An emotional affair is not always sexual. When you invest time and share yourself with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, THAT is an emotional affair. You are sharing and interacting in a way that you are not doing with your spouse. This is WRONG, and I guarantee you would not want your spouse doing the same thing. 

If she is filling some kind of void that you realized in your marriage, then you need to cut her off and get to doing some serious work on your marriage. If you think you are entitled to be friends with anyone you damn well please, then do your wife a favor and divorce her. Then you can be whatever friend to whoever you want. (until someone's husband gets wind of it and beats your ass...)

EDIT: Seems we posted at the same time, I just saw your last response... good for you!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An emotional affair isn't about sex, its more about being appreciated, valued. Having someone care about you. That feeling can sometimes morph into love and lead to a physical affair, but not always.

Now to get a bit controversial - I think emotional affairs are often driven by a lack of those things at home. If someone doesn't value their spouse, they shouldn't be surprised of their spouse finds someone who does.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Agreed. An emotional affair is not always sexual. When you invest time and share yourself with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, THAT is an emotional affair. You are sharing and interacting in a way that you are not doing with your spouse. This is WRONG, and I guarantee you would not want your spouse doing the same thing.
> 
> If she is filling some kind of void that you realized in your marriage, then you need to cut her off and get to doing some serious work on your marriage. If you think you are entitled to be friends with anyone you damn well please, then do your wife a favor and divorce her. Then you can be whatever friend to whoever you want. (until someone's husband gets wind of it and beats your ass...)
> 
> EDIT: Seems we posted at the same time, I just saw your last response... good for you!


Yes, like I said, I never noticed it from that perspective. I never really thought there was maybe an underlying issue in my marriage, either. Or maybe I was just trying to mask it. 

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Pressed4Time said:


> Thanks for your feedback. For me, I'm not seeing it as an emotional affair. Is she attractive? Yes, but like I said, neither of us have made any sexual advances towards one another.
> 
> And I am not disagreeing with everything you are saying, as you may be correct about a few things.
> 
> ...


As long as there is nothing sexual involved I really don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. As far as being an emotional affair, I think that's horse hockey. If no emotions are involved, then no affair. What wrong with a male and a female helping each other. Doesn't that happen every day in the work world?

I be sure though I would tell your wife about what you are talking about as to not give the wrong impression. She should do the same.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> As long as there is nothing sexual involved I really don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. As far as being an emotional affair, I think that's horse hockey. If no emotions are involved, then no affair. What wrong with a male and a female helping each other. Doesn't that happen every day in the work world?
> 
> I be sure though I would tell your wife about what you are talking about as to not give the wrong impression. She should do the same.


So you'd be cool with your wife having this kind of "friendship" with another man? Her texting him on a daily basis outside of work? Her turning to him for "help" with projects that YOU are capable of doing, and seeking and valuing HIS opinions on important life decisions over yours? That would be ok with you?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you'd be cool with your wife having this kind of "friendship" with another man? Her texting him on a daily basis outside of work? Her turning to him for "help" with projects that YOU are capable of doing, and seeking and valuing HIS opinions on important life decisions over yours? That would be ok with you?


That's not what the OP was saying


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you'd be cool with your wife having this kind of "friendship" with another man? Her texting him on a daily basis outside of work? Her turning to him for "help" with projects that YOU are capable of doing, and seeking and valuing HIS opinions on important life decisions over yours? That would be ok with you?


I'm going to agree to a point. I have other female friends who will text me and say hey. Just to see how things are going, but I've been friends with them for longer then I've known my wife. But, I do agree with the majority of people who are saying that what I am involved in, isn't just a friendly thing, but more of an emotional issue. 

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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

one thing to remember is that EMotional affairs are useful for women for at least 2 reasons:

1. it's a prelude to a physical affair so that the woman "does not feel like a piece of meat" when IT happens.

2. Some women like emotional affairs because they get all THAT attention without having to put out.

Emotional affairs are not innocent.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

wait until she accidentally touches you and your head explodes. You are this close to being off to the races. I'm so glad when people show up here and we can prevent train wrecks. Tell your wife - #1 priority.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

It doesn't sound like it's an emotional affair, YET. But you are building the blocks for it. Don't tell the wife. Just nip it. Nip it now.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

See, another reason WHY it doesn't feel as though it's anything serious or to concerned about, is because neither her, or myself, have made any advances towards each other. When ever we do talk, it's always at a distance. I'm not trying to justify what I'm doing, I'm just saying. 

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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NTA,

You wrote, When it comes to the schooling part, I've brought this to the attention of my wife, before this coworker, *but my wife wasn't as understanding towards it. *I think maybe that might be one of the reasons why I've been talking to her. 

When you say things to another woman you do not feel entirely free to say to your W you have crossed a big boundary.

Affairs are often start with having someone to complain about your spouse to or someone who fills a need your spouse is not filling or you will not let them fill. That she is not upfront with her H about your relationship is another major sign you are in an emotional affair.

You are also draining love away from this womans marriage and instead of dealing with her problems with her husband she is using you.

Emotional affairs can last for a long time, I was in an emotional affair with my Brothers wife which started when I was 15 or 16 and she was 29, nothing physical ever happened. When she was close to dying of cancer 30 or so years later she told me she loved me, I was shocked. It had ended for me when I turned 19, but for her it did not. It also started out with her talking to me about things she could not discuss with my brother. 

You too have entered into someone elses marriage stop now.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NTA,

You are not just cheating on your spouses, you are cheating on your children as well

Tamat


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Pressed4Time I think the REAL issue is the void the OW has and the fact that your W isn't supportive of you.

I suggest you consider having an honest, open talk with your W about this. Let her know that you went this path because you didn't feel she was as emotionally invested in you and the relationship. It wasn't conscious, but now you realize there is a problem in your marriage that you'd like to work on.

Can you tell us more about what your interactions with your W are like? What she says or does that gives you the impression that she's not supportive or interested? TAM can really help in this area.

Also - I'd make one more contact to the OW and tell her you are exploring this part of your relationship and encourage her to do so too. She might also want to look into IC (you too) to get a clearer picture of what your real thoughts and emotions are with regard to your marriage.

We don't like to see bad things... IC can provide a means to explore what we're really feeling - particularly guys who aren't good at reading their own emotions.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Pressed4Time said:


> See, another reason WHY it doesn't feel as though it's anything serious or to concerned about, is because neither her, or myself, have made any advances towards each other. When ever we do talk, it's always at a distance. I'm not trying to justify what I'm doing, I'm just saying.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk




Are you waiting on advances to draw the line? Why put yourself in a situation that would test your resolve? You already admitted that you're attracted to each other and really enjoy each other's company. You've been in constant contact since you hit it off. You're dating her and it's just about the third date... 


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

How long have you been married, Pressed4Time? What are your ages? Any kids?


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

EA or not, you both are spending too much time in private communicating. 

I have a long-term, attractive female friend but once I married my wife, I cut down our communication to about twice per year. We are both married with children and now live in different states. Any time we talk on the phone, my wife always knows about it. I do this out of respect for my wife but also to protect our marriage from temptation. As a married man, you should never get too attached to another woman, platonic as it may be.

Don't worry about hurting your friend's feelings. It's best to limit your communication to an as needed basis to prevent any future tempting thoughts.

I know. I was once the POS OM who had an EA with a married woman, who divorced her husband mostly due to me.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> NTA,
> 
> You wrote, When it comes to the schooling part, I've brought this to the attention of my wife, before this coworker, *but my wife wasn't as understanding towards it. *I think maybe that might be one of the reasons why I've been talking to her.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you had to go through that, and for your loss, and I am starting to get a grasp of what's right and wrong. 

Maybe it is the emotional disconnect I have with my wife, about stuff, which is drawing me in this direction. 

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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Pressed4Time I think the REAL issue is the void the OW has and the fact that your W isn't supportive of you.
> 
> I suggest you consider having an honest, open talk with your W about this. Let her know that you went this path because you didn't feel she was as emotionally invested in you and the relationship. It wasn't conscious, but now you realize there is a problem in your marriage that you'd like to work on.
> 
> ...


With my wife, we have never really had anything in common... At... All. When we first met, we were both at the end of a relationship, and I wasn't single very long before we started dating. I had just gotten a tattoo when we had met. She knew I was into stuff like that. 

After we got married, I talked to her about getting another, and she got angry, and said she wasn't going to be married to a guy who's covered in tattoos. I'm not covered. I have a few on my right arm. 

Other stuff along the way, like turning on the heat/air conditioning was an argument, weather the house was cleaned or not, little things. Stupid things. But it was always an argument. 

We have had our differences, and she has recognised that she can be a bit controlling, but our life is so busy, that we have absolutely no time for each other. 

Side note, I have been to my doctor, and have been referred to a marriage counsellor, as there is a few things that I'd like to try and figure out. 

I still love my wife, don't get me wrong. 

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like an emotional affair. Why are you hiding your relationship from your wife if not? If not their you are on your way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Pressed4Time said:


> With my wife, we have never really had anything in common... At... All. When we first met, we were both at the end of a relationship, and I wasn't single very long before we started dating. I had just gotten a tattoo when we had met. She knew I was into stuff like that.
> 
> After we got married, I talked to her about getting another, and she got angry, and said she wasn't going to be married to a guy who's covered in tattoos. I'm not covered. I have a few on my right arm.
> 
> ...


None of this sound really bad. You are not going to have everything in common with your wife. In some ways this is a good thing. Try to take some interest in what she likes, you can ask her to do the same. Work on discussing things not arguing about them. What every you do don't have kids until you are sure you are going to stay.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

Legend said:


> EA or not, you both are spending too much time in private communicating.
> 
> I have a long-term, attractive female friend but once I married my wife, I cut down our communication to about twice per year. We are both married with children and now live in different states. Any time we talk on the phone, my wife always knows about it. I do this out of respect for my wife but also to protect our marriage from temptation. As a married man, you should never get too attached to another woman, platonic as it may be.
> 
> ...


My wife is aware that we talk at school, and that we have texted each other, but not to what extent, nor, what about. 

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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

Pressed4Time said:


> My wife is aware that we talk at school, and that we have texted each other, but not to what extent, nor, what about.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk


Is that something you've been withholding or has she never asked what you talk about? Would you tell her if she asked?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Pressed4Time said:


> With my wife, we have never really had anything in common... At... All. When we first met, we were both at the end of a relationship, and I wasn't single very long before we started dating. I had just gotten a tattoo when we had met. She knew I was into stuff like that.
> 
> After we got married, I talked to her about getting another, and she got angry, and said she wasn't going to be married to a guy who's covered in tattoos. I'm not covered. I have a few on my right arm.
> 
> ...


While these things may be true, they leave me with a feeling that history is perhaps being rewritten a bit. That you are finding flaws with things in order to rationalize your involvement with this other woman. This is very common and easy to do when the first feelings of emotional attachment are forming, and they only get stronger and worse as things progress.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

easysolution said:


> Is that something you've been withholding or has she never asked what you talk about? Would you tell her if she asked?


If she asks, I'll probably tell her the truth. 

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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> While these things may be true, they leave me with a feeling that history is perhaps being rewritten a bit. That you are finding flaws with things in order to rationalize your involvement with this other woman. This is very common and easy to do when the first feelings of emotional attachment are forming, and they only get stronger and worse as things progress.


Yeah, that might be possible also. Geeze, I never realized how deep in the rabbit hole I was lol

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you're asking, you already know the answer. You're here to to be told "nah, it's ok. you're just friends. don't worry about it. have fun". Well, you won't be told any of that drivel. Knock it off and stop having a work wife. Be a man your kids can respect. Otherwise, you have no business being around kids.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> If you're asking, you already know the answer. You're here to to be told "nah, it's ok. you're just friends. don't worry about it. have fun". Well, you won't be told any of that drivel. Knock it off and stop having a work wife. Be a man your kids can respect. Otherwise, you have no business being around kids.


Ummm, I was asking because I was unsure. I didn't see it as being an issue, until I talked to others about it. I'm not looking to be told, "nah, it's ok!" if you've read through previous posts, you'll notice we brought up many of different issues. 

But thanks for your input. 

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You say you didn't see it as being an issue until you talked to others about it. Were these people in real life?


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You say you didn't see it as being an issue until you talked to others about it. Were these people in real life?


The people on this forum. I didn't see an issue with her helping me with the education part. I had no idea on how I should be going about it, that was all. But after getting the input from others on this page, I've kind of opened my eyes on the issue. 

As for, if these people are in real life, I sure hope so. If they are robots, they are very good at giving advice! 

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> What you are currently experiencing are the beginnings of a romantic relationship. If you care about your honor and integrity, you should end one before beginning another. Also, you mentioned several times that you two never exchanged any "sexual" insinuations. Consider this, that romance and sex is like dance. Perhaps not as carefully choreographed, or maybe it is, but nevertheless, *the point is you are dancing.*


True.

Today, the "At arms length", Waltz. 

Tomorrow, "Slow Dancing".

Next week, Dancing with Stars.....in your eyes.

Then, comes the Rumba. 

Then, comes the Two Step, movements primarily "In and then Out".

Then D-Day....wife and/or AP husband discovers the infidelity.

Then, Dancing with Scars.

Am I wrong? If yes, then why?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pressed4Time said:


> The people on this forum. I didn't see an issue with her helping me with the education part. I had no idea on how I should be going about it, that was all. But after getting the input from others on this page, I've kind of opened my eyes on the issue.
> 
> As for, if these people are in real life, I sure hope so. *If they are robots,* they are very good at giving advice!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk


Robots?

No, *Row boats*. Taking you on an eye-opening ride down the beginnings of the Cheat River rapids....That is in West-By-God, West Virginia. @convert knows.

Oh, and some like me are* Show Boats*. No rapids, no rough water, just a *Yellow Shower.*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

In case this hasn't already been mentioned: READ THIS BOOK!!!

Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> In case this hasn't already been mentioned: READ THIS BOOK!!!
> 
> Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


I will definitely check that out. Thank you. 

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make no mistake most start out innocent enough but an affair can develope over time. You know this that's why you're here. 

Better cut this off. If you're smart.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Pressed4Time said:


> Thanks for your feedback. For me, I'm not seeing it as an emotional affair. Is she attractive? Yes, but like I said, neither of us have made any sexual advances towards one another.
> 
> And I am not disagreeing with everything you are saying, as you may be correct about a few things.
> 
> ...


The highlighted statement is very telling in my opinion, not to mention a loaded statement that seems to beg for a response (from her) You posted this in the beginning yet you continue to pretend to be ignorant that you are stepping over boundaries with this woman.

You knew when you made the quoted comment the relationship was going to far, I'm not sure why you feel the need for a bunch of strangers to confirm it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Cooper said:


> The highlighted statement is very telling in my opinion, not to mention a loaded statement that seems to beg for a response (from her) You posted this in the beginning yet you continue to pretend to be ignorant that you are stepping over boundaries with this woman.
> 
> 
> 
> You knew when you made the quoted comment the relationship was going to far, I'm not sure why you feel the need for a bunch of strangers to confirm it.




I'm not so sure. I'm a pretty smart guy and I've been a good relationship for 30+ years. Yet I've learned a great deal from TAM and a few books I've read as a result of recommendations here.

I guess I had no idea (many/most) women view talking as intimacy. That's a HUGE point that I think many guys don't get. We know you ladies love to talk - women have "cluck fests" with their girlfriends - we learn the answer to "how was your day" is NOT "fine." and we learn how to blather on ourselves a bit (some if us do).

But that isn't the same as putting it from a guys perspective. NOW I would tell OP that these little chats are = sex for many men. Seriously.

If her #1 need is to talk and connect - and she becomes starved for that in her marriage and seeks it with YOU - shes probably starting out like a guy who is starved for sex at home and finds a cute coworker who smiles and shows him attention. NOW things start to look a bit different, right? I bet a million dollars OP doesn't know this. 

So let's not be too hard on OP here - he sensed a problem but since his orientation toward an affair is sex and this isn't about sex, it's probably a bit confusing.


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm not so sure. I'm a pretty smart guy and I've been a good relationship for 30+ years. Yet I've learned a great deal from TAM and a few books I've read as a result of recommendations here.
> 
> I guess I had no idea (many/most) women view talking as intimacy. That's a HUGE point that I think many guys don't get. We know you ladies love to talk - women have "cluck fests" with their girlfriends - we learn the answer to "how was your day" is NOT "fine." and we learn how to blather on ourselves a bit (some if us do).
> 
> ...


Thank you for summing it down for other to understand. I honestly didn't see it as an affair, let alone an emotional one. When I think of an affair, I look towards sexual activities. I see conversations as just that, conversations. 

But I did send her a link that I had read last night, about emotional affairs, and she was like, omg... I never even noticed. 

We had a good long talk about it, and what was missing from both our relationships, and both agreed that we didn't want this to turn into something that it MIGHT possibly become, so we have decided to stop, and focus on our marriage. 

For her, and for myself, it was a big lack of communication on both parts in our marriage. 

For me, it's the fact that our lives are way too busy, and we never have any time for each other. That's something I have to talk to my wife about, because if we can't figure out a way to fix it, then what's the point. I'm a guy, but I'll be honest, I miss cuddling, I miss sitting and having a drink and a long chat about whatever strikes the mood. I could care less about the sex part. The last time I had any of the cuddles and chats, was probably about 5 years ago. 

For her, it's just the lack of conversation. The both have nothing in common, but they both do separate things. 

But that's something SHE has to figure out on her own, without ME clouding her judgement. 

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Pressed4Time said:


> *Is she attractive? Yes,* but like I said, neither of us have made any sexual advances towards one another.
> 
> I asked her if her husband knew that we talked, and *she said no, because she would be afraid he'd get mad at her.*.


^^^^ This is all you need to know, Pressed.

Good for you, you are self-aware and have dodged a bullet.:|

Best wishes for improving your relationship with your wife.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pressed4Time said:


> Since then, we have been in contact with each other every day, via text. Our conversations have absolutely nothing to do with sex. She is married as well, but doesn't have any kids, due to medical reasons. We have both questioned our interactions, and came to the conclusion that since we have so much in common, that we feel comfortable talking openly with each other.


 What you are describing "in contact with each other every day, via text", "so much in common", and "feel comfortable talking openly with each other" (i.e. personal information such as no kids "due to medical reasons"), sounds like an emotional affair ("EA"). EAs do not involve sex, with most people involved in EAs not thinking that they are hurting their marriage because of this. For the record, being in an EA is cheating. The emotional energy and time that you are enjoying with this other woman, you should be enjoying with your spouse. You are bonding and making memories with this other woman that could have and should have been made with your spouse. 

Also, dating is spending time with someone of the opposite sex that would be a viable potentiality partner in order to get to know them better. Studies show that most dates do not involve sex with many dates not even involving kissing. You are thus dating this woman, you just have not gotten to the kissing and sex stage. More than 50% of EAs eventually go on to become physical affairs ("PA") with most cheaters honestly saying that they never meant for this to happen. There is a reason that you "both questioned" your interactions. In your gut you know that where you are heading is wrong. The two of you rationalizing that since you both "have so much in common" your interactions were OK is ridiculousness logic. You having so much in common only makes your interactions more dangerous to you marriage not less.

Show your wife this thread and then ask her what she thinks of your relationship with this other woman.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Pressed4Time why don't you start a new thread about your marriage. You won't go from no close non sexual contact for 5 years to a solution over night. Your W likely has issues as do you. We can be a sounding board and make suggestions on how to approach this as we learn more about your W. 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

uhtred said:


> An emotional affair isn't about sex, its more about being appreciated, valued. Having someone care about you. That feeling can sometimes morph into love and lead to a physical affair, but not always.
> 
> 
> 
> Now to get a bit controversial - I think emotional affairs are often driven by a lack of those things at home. If someone doesn't value their spouse, they shouldn't be surprised of their spouse finds someone who does.




I don't think that's controversial it all. I think most on TAM would agree with that, particularly if the individual seeks help early on as OP did. It's those situations where in EA has progressed and neither party has tried to stop at that cause TAMsters to come out on the side of the BS.

Holy cow could this be a case of an EA halted early by the WS? Hope so


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## Pressed4Time (Nov 8, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I don't think that's controversial it all. I think most on TAM would agree with that, particularly if the individual seeks help early on as OP did. It's those situations where in EA has progressed and neither party has tried to stop at that cause TAMsters to come out on the side of the BS.
> 
> Holy cow could this be a case of an EA halted early by the WS? Hope so
> 
> ...


WS? Lol

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Pressed4Time said:


> WS? Lol
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk




Yes WS - wayward spouse - the "official title" of a spouse who has an EA (even when they don't recognize it)


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Good job op. Co-worker EA/pa is common. It sneaks up on a lot of people. Sometimes it takes a very short time. Then one touch , then it's kissing. 5 mins later is far more.

Consider your marriage at high risk... Even from your wife. Honestly is the best imho.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"But I did send her a link that I had read last night, about emotional affairs, and she was like, omg... I never even noticed.
*
We had a good long talk about it, and what was missing from both our relationships*, and both agreed that we didn't want this to turn into something that it MIGHT possibly become, so we have decided to stop, and focus on our marriage."

Of course you did, because you are in an emotional affair. A good rule to follow is if tempted to talk about your marriage to someone other than your spouse (the only party who matters), just don't. It is a betrayal unless it is with a counselor. The oldest line in the book is "My wife doesn't understand me (whine)."


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