# Marriage without intimacy ~ PLEASE HELP!



## depressed1 (Jul 24, 2012)

I am so discouraged with my life and don't know what happened. I am a female in my 40's and have always had a very strong sex drive. I was married to my first husband for 17 years and it never diminished ~ the sex was good right up until the end (good sex several times a week). Unfortunately my first husband was also having sex with other women, thus the divorce.

I have been married to my second husband for 6 years and our sex life is dead. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage and had a good sex life - 2 or 3 times a week. Right after we married my husband quickly started losing interest in being intimate with me. During the first year of marriage we would have sex approximately 3 times a month, with me being the one to initiate it the majority of the time. I started to feel he no longer desired me and gained 20 pounds (I went from 125 to 145 pounds & I'm 5'4"). We started to see a marriage counselor and my husband told the counselor he was no longer attracted to me because of the weight gain. I lost the weight and then some and our sex life didn't change, in fact it got worse. I would try and initiate sex and my husband would reject me, saying because of his age he has lost his sex drive (he's 10 years older than I am). I eventually talked him into talking to his doctor and getting a prescription for viagra and every other type on the market, but he complains that they cause him to have headaches. Even when he does take one of the pills, the sex is over in about 5 minutes and it's all about him, I get no pleasure from it. About 4 years ago I stopped going to bed with at the same time as my husband. He has always gone to bed earlier than I like to, but I used to join him hoping to get lucky. After many, many nights of feeling rejected I just started staying up every night and going to bed long after he's asleep. He's an early riser and is always up and showered by the time I wake up. 

My husband and I are both professionals in the same field and we work together, have all the same hobbies, travel frequently and are together 24/7. For about the past 3 or 4 years my husband and I have sex approximately 5-6 times a year. The infrequent sex we do have now is initiated by my husband and is what I call "guilt sex" because it's usually after I've complained about our sexless marriage so he'll take a pill or roll me over early in the morning while I'm still half asleep and get it over with. After feeling so rejected and angry over this issue, I feel I've lost the chemistry we once shared. It's just fast sex now, not making love like it used to be. Sometimes it even hurts because there's no foreplay and he just forces his penis in when I'm not even expecting it (sometimes I'm sleeping!). He actually thinks I'll enjoy this? He knows better! He used to say all the right things and touch me in all the right ways.

I still crave intimacy so much! I just don't know if I can ever have that with my husband again, too much resentment has built up. I have never tried mastribating; I need to hear the words from someone who cares about me and feel the tender touch to enjoy it. 

I'm really torn because I don't want another failed marriage and am not the type that would ever commit adultery. Am I doomed to never having another orgasim again? A loveless marriage? I'm so lonely and want to be loved so badly. My heart is breaking. I cry almost every night after my husband goes to bed and have even felt suicidal at times because of my depression. I don't know what to do. I am on an anti-depressant which is helping the depression, but the issue causing the depression remains.


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Im very sorry to hear. Have you.tried toys?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

I use a testesterone for body building n it has made me feel 18 again. No side effects. Go to GNC and get something. He will like it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he had his hormone levels checked?

Does your husband spend a lot of time on the computer? Does he use porn?


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

So how is the rest of your marriage? Do you all talk, I don't mean chit-chat, but really talk and share what's inside? Communication is vital to a healthy relationship as well as sexual intimacy.

I would recommend some counseling just for you, even if it is a chance for you to just talk about your issues. If you could get your husband to go and actually participate (the weight gain response is bs in my opinion), you might get somewhere. You can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

In the end, the resentment is eventually going to eat you up if the situation does not change. If your husband is unwilling to work on your relationship and give a little (it is all about give and take), you may have to pursue another option.


----------



## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

docj said:


> I use a testesterone for body building n it has made me feel 18 again. No side effects. Go to GNC and get something. He will like it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is there a particular kind you recommend? (Sorry, hijacking here)


----------



## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

It sounds like you have quit trying too, and resent him for the lack of sex. Not saying I blame you, been there done that, but try being fun again, spontaneous, intiate sex and give him some motivation. He is being selfish but if you aren't trying anymore it definately won't fix itself. What do you have to lose? Sounds like the marriage is worth the effort, so get busy and spice it up


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I wish I knew what to tell you. You have all of my sympathy because the same happened to me with my wife. After we had kids, she lost all interest and stopped completely.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Viagra and other ED medications don't create desire, just the ability to act on those desires. Hence the 5 minute quicky you get.

I have to assume that his doctor would have ruled out other causes of his low drive like depression, diabetes, low testosterone, etc... before prescribing Viagra so that leaves his perception of how the marriage is.

I would try counseling again. Part of the problem when people go to counseling is that they don't get everything out on the table. He said it was your weight, you fixed that. Obviously there is something else. You have to find out what that is.

Start going again. If he won't go, go alone and make sure he knows you are going.


----------

