# Sexless marriage and losing intimacy leading me to question if this is going to work



## Naikaro (Feb 28, 2014)

I have never done this before... this being getting on to a chat forum for support and advice on something I can't bring myslef to talk to my friends or family about yet.
I want to start off by saying I love my husband, he is a great man.
We have been through rough time to finally be together.... without getting into my whole life story cause this will quickly become a bloody novel! I'm going to get to the point.
As it stands and as we have always known I am the more sexual one in our relationship, more experience... more fantasies and more of an appetite. He does not quite have the same desires, I knew this but really at the end of the day nothing is perfect and when I decided I wanted to marry this man I felt strongly that this will work in time...... at a time when we we're still some what having sex. He does not watch porn, he is really not interested in it. Different culture we do come from, anyway this wasn't new news to him.. my needs not being met. I have always taken the approach with him (which is from the heart) that sex is of course about pleasure but more importantly a close connection, it's important. This started a couple of years ago while we we're still intimate however we we're also in a long distance relationship. We now live together in the same country city .... bed and it has been almost 4months since we have been intimate. It's starting to take a toll on us, I am always the one bringing it up, I am afraid to approach him sexually in any way as I feel like it has all just got awkward. I brought it up again last week before his birthday dinner because I showered and made myself feel good and approached him to get turned down. This triggered it for me and in our argument I asked genuinely and not spiteful does he want me to take on a lover???? I am feeling so undesired and unattractive and it is beginning to make me feel vulnerable to attention elsewhere. When this conversation went further his reaction is what startled me even more.... he was more upset at the fact that he felt I was trying to "rattle" him when really I was being so genuine and honest... it is now being acknowledged by him at all and while he would argue it is a week has passed yes a busy week of work and life and etc... but he has not brought it up. I know he is not cheating on me.... He is not a porn junky as I have even told him he should try it or something but no go. It is now at the point where I am really left wondering what else to do, I have suggested sex therapy and he has agreed to go but I can't seem to bring myself to make an appointment because I start building up with resentment.
I am lonely for touch ... sensual touch and pleasure and I don't know what else to do. I want to make this work but it takes two..... S.O.S


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

You are joining a very large and supportive 'same boat' club here at TAM. Welcome!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I also thought my wife's lower interest would be a bit easier to live with. I think you just need to toughen up and make that appointment, who knows if it will help but it is worth a shot. 

Personally my feeling is that men are a tad more accomodating on this issue and so it may be a case of you just being very specific about what he needs to be doing. However, within limits. He may never be able to have the frequency you would like. Regular intimacy is expected in marriage and it is his obligation to provide that to you however he can.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If he has agreed to go to therapy with you I think you should. 

It sounds like he has always had a low sex drive and just does not think about it much. Certainly not as much as you do. 

Therapy may help you to open up to each other - at least you could understand where he is coming from.

He may be able to have sex more with you because he knows it I important to you. Unless there is some medical issue at play he may never want sex as much as you do.

I also ended up here out of frustration with a lower drive husband (lower then me anyway). Currently things are good but it was a rough year getting to this point. Last year I thought the problem was all him - but as the situation unfolded it became clear we were both at fault. Me for keeping way too much inside and not clearly starting my needs. We might all like our partners to innately get us sexually and fulfil our fantasies without being told. Real life sexual fulfilment has a lot more instruction in it. This is what I've found out anyway.


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## doc johnson (Mar 4, 2014)

me and my husband have been together over 20 years and hear in the last 2 years it has been hell!!! I had a almost death experience 4 years ago n have had a lot of medical problems but It has never stop me from have'n sex haha but in the last 10 years it feels like I've had sex with myself more than my husband which feels like a room mate.I feel for you honey I need advice myself I don't no what to do divorce him!!! the problem I don't want another man n I tell him this n he says he loves me blah,blah but we have not had sex in 6 months n I can't remember the last time he kissed me ya no a women want to be wanted,loved and a little attention from the old man!!! help


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sorry to here that doc,
At some point you just have to make your needs clear and be willing to leave if they are not met.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## netcruiser72 (Mar 4, 2014)

Very sorry to hear of your troubles. I've been married 15 years now. Wife and I have two kids, one is a teenager. Anyway, approx 2 1/2 years ago the wife and I went through a VERY dry spell, sexually. Kids, careers, etc., can take it's toll. So there wasn't much of sex. My wife was on the conservative side for the most part based on her upbringing. Sex was okay before the dry spell but I felt it could be better. My last girlfriend was a beast in bed. My wife, well, not so much. But I always felt there was this very sexual person inside of her but she just would not come out for fear, I guess, of being criticized or judged.

Anyway, after a severe dry spell, I began to have dreams. Now, please do not judge me, these were just dreams. But I found that I actually liked these dreams. Then I began to fantasize more and more about it. The dream went like this. I came home from work. As I opened the door to my house I heard noises and sounds of bed squeaking. As I went up the stairs the sounds became louder and more obvious. The door to the bedroom was halfway open. As I took a peek I was shocked to see my wife enjoying sex with another man!!! This dream felt sooo real. The feeling I experienced in that moment is simply indescribable as some of you might imagine. Watching my wife on top of this well endowed guy aggressively riding him drove me nuts with passion. Then watching her bend over for him and see them both going at it like animals.....OH MAN! I could not understand why I was enjoying this dream so much. I felt like I was going to pass out in my dream from an amount of never before felt emotions. I recall masturbating in my dream as they took each other ever so passionately and experiencing one of the most intense orgasms ever!....Now my dilemma was should I tell her? How will she react? Should I keep it to myself? I struggled for weeks. One day I said screw it. I'm going for broke. It can't get any worse. So while at the beach just sitting and relaxing, I caught her staring at this well defined looking guy. I asked her if she liked what she was seeing. She just laughed. It was the perfect moment. So I told her. I said, hun, I need to confess something and I don't know how you are going to take it. But here you go, I had a dream I came early from work and caught you having sex with another man. And the worst part, I really enjoyed watching you being pleased so much. I then proceeded to give her very specific and graphic details. I told her I keep having this fantasy and can't get it out of my mind. She was speechless! After a while she asked me how I really felt about that? LOL......I said I don't know, just that it really turned me on!!!

That was it for us! It really opened up the lines of communication. Keyword "communication". Turns out my wife was, in fact, a dirty little tramp deep inside and has now confessed to me all her sexual dreams and desires as I have confessed mine to her. There is NO jealousy involved. There can't be!!! We take this like two mature adults that we are and use our new found communication for our sexual benefit. We have brought it sexual toys and done things with my wife I never thought possible. She'll sometimes ask for a porn movie involving a woman and two men and tells me that she would LOVE something like that. Our sex life is just amazing. At 41 I also find my own orgasms so much more intense.

If you can't trust your own spouse who can you trust? Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. If, after being blunt as can be, there is still no response from your spouse then you need to decide whether or not it is something you can live with. I never recommend divorce. Patience, maybe and just try to talk to your spouse to see what it is exactly that is bothering him. Good luck!


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## Kygirl1969 (Mar 5, 2014)

Wow, I could have written this myself to an extent. I feel for you, I really do, and have joined this sight in hopes of finding answers myself, hope your situation improves.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Netcruiser - excellent!! Bloody good for you. Your wife was receptive and things are now good for you.

Sadly, if many others of us on here had a similar dream and told our wives we would be branded a disgusting perverted freak!

I am a perverted freak just because I (well, I used to) wanted a BJ from my wife!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Naikaro said:


> As it stands and as we have always known I am the more sexual one in our relationship, more experience... more fantasies and more of an appetite. He does not quite have the same desires, I knew this but really at the end of the day nothing is perfect and when I decided I wanted to marry this man I felt strongly that this will work in time...... at a time when we we're still some what having sex.


So he wasn't a very sexual person at the beginning. You knew this from the start. It sounds like you have to accept some blame in this; you can't marry someone and then expect them to change. 



> _He does not watch porn, he is really not interested in it. Different culture we do come from, anyway this wasn't new news to him.. _


From some of your language, it sounds like you are living in the UK or Australia. So if you come from a different culture, I'm guessing Pakistan, or somewhere in the Middle East?

I will tell you this. I have traveled to several Arab countries where porn was illegal, not part of the culture, yet damn near every man still has a ton of porn on his cell phone! The point is, you can't really blame any of this on culture. If he likes sex, if he's attracted to women, then he would be having sex. You have to at least accept the possibility that he may be gay or asexual, and if so, nothing will fix that. 



> _I brought it up again last week before his birthday dinner because I showered and made myself feel good and approached him to get turned down. This triggered it for me and in our argument I asked genuinely and not spiteful does he want me to take on a lover???? I am feeling so undesired and unattractive and it is beginning to make me feel vulnerable to attention elsewhere. When this conversation went further his reaction is what startled me even more.... he was more upset at the fact that he felt I was trying to "rattle" him when really I was being so genuine and honest._


I agree that was not fair of him at all, and you two need to find a better way to communicate. That's one thing that marriage counseling is for. 



> _I have suggested sex therapy and he has agreed to go but I can't seem to bring myself to make an appointment because I start building up with resentment._


At least he's willing to go! Many spouses refuse because they don't see it as a problem from their side. I STRONGLY suggest you make that appointment, but you might want to start with a marriage counselor rather than specifically a sex therapist. But either one is a good start at communicating, which is what you both desperately need.


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