# A Hidden Past



## RogerDA

I hope this is the correct forum to post this. I have been stewing on this and feel the need to get this off of my chest.

A few weeks ago while cleaning out the storage shed at my wife's mother's house I came across a large sealed box with a label indicating that it contained some old things of my wife's. I threw it in my car and took it home without a thought. Her mother is moving back to Europe and we have been needing to clean out.

A couple of days later I was taking it up to the attic when I dropped it and the contents spilled out. What I found has profoundly challenged my faith in my wife. 

The box contained journals, pictures and videos that definitively prove that before we got engaged my wife was a prostitute. I also believe that my wife knew this was there as when I told her I was going to go and do this she told me not to worry about doing it until they get back. She and her mother have been in Europe for the last month and will not be home for a few more weeks.

Let me give you a little background on us. No children. Both nearing 40. We have been married for 9 years. We both have good careers. In fact a few years ago when she finished her PhD she started a new career as a professor. We are financially stable and have not had any serious issues. Except sex and that is only since she finished her doctorate. Well, maybe a little before. I also have a PhD but do not work in a university. And we are in very different disciplines

Up until the latter part of our doctoral work our love life was good. Sure, we had our ups and downs given career and academic stressors. But up until then we had a very active love life. Before we married we talked openly (I thought) about our pasts. Both of us disclosed that we had both had more than a few partners. But nothing that would come back to haunt us. 

Now I find out that my wife was selling herself throughout college and up until we were dating. At first she was rather indiscriminate and then evolved into a very selective clientele. She had admittedly been a very adventurous woman and the journals in the box show a woman who was much, much more than just adventurous. It is obvious that she enjoyed her “professional” activities and was even more experimental on her own time. All of this was in the journals. She even taped some of her meetings in addition to her own encounters. 

Another disturbing thing is that all of her writing, including the beginning of our relationship, she considered herself completely bi-sexual. I knew she had been with women. It doesn’t even bother me too much that she was promiscuous. I was also very promiscuous in those years before we met. What bothers me is the deception.

This is compounded by the fact that our sexual intimacy has declined sharply over the last few years. She is now almost completely disinterested in sex. Though she still enjoys being intimate. Once bordering on having an oral fetish, she has not given me a BJ in over 2 years and tells me that she now finds it and sex in general demeaning for her. She is clear that it is nothing I am doing or want her to do. For a time I suspected she was cheating on me. But I have investigated and discounted that to as great a degree as possible. 

We have tried counseling, but she and councilors do not get along. A couple we are extremely close to are both psychologists and I previously talked to them about our sexual issues. They both agree that my wife is a psychologist’s “worst nightmare” because she is an amazing debater and has too much of a background in psychology.

Do not get me wrong. Aside from the sex we get along very well. We have reached a sort of détente, where every so often she will bend over for me. If I am in particular need and ask her for some, she will usually allow me to. But she is unengaged in it. And I cannot help but feel that my recent discovery is connected to our current situation.

I do not know why I am sharing this except for perhaps the cathartic act itself. I have made an appointment to speak to one of our old therapists. But she cannot see me for a couple weeks. In the mean time I have not said anything to my wife about this. And cannot even fathom how I will broach this with her when she returns.


----------



## Machiavelli

You were basically married under false pretenses. If this is a deal killer, you don't need to do anything.

Is your wife in menopause? If not, she's just doing the usual 7 year itch where the woman loses interest in her man. You're together 10 and this started 2 years ago, so it's about middle of the bell curve for this behavior. She may not have anything going outside yet, but she will eventually if you keep coasting on.

No kids?

Do you do the bulk of the chores around the house?

Who was dominant when you were having sex?

Who's the high earner? What's the disparity?


----------



## ankh

What if you took her out to dinner, and then asked about this? Mchiavelli asked all the pertinent questions, read my mind in fact so this is my offering.


----------



## mel123

"she now finds sex in general demeaning for her" She does not feel intimacy , emotional closeness, and bonding in sex, because of her past. In her mind, sex is being used for another persons gratification.

She may be a wonderful person now, but her past has scared her emotionally. She should have told you the truth before you were married.Sooner or later, you are going to have to make the choice, to confront her about not being truthful.


----------



## aug

Maybe it's this. Given her interesting and unusual past, her married life is getting boring. When it's the same old, same old, it cant trigger any juices in her. (A rephrasing of Mach?)

She's now nearing 40. Her body is still young and strong. The desire for strange is there.

What to do? I suppose it depends on her character and outlook of what she thinks her life is about?


----------



## RogerDA

All very good points.

We live very active lives. Together for the most part. We always go on fun vacations and have fairly active social lives. We like to do adventure traveling sometimes to. 

I do travel for work a couple times a year for a few weeks each time.

I began to feel during the last year of her study that she was changing. Mostly in her philosophical outlook. Its not something I could ever put my finger on. We do communicate pretty well and even when I ask her she doesn't seem to be able to explain herself. To me or herself.



To answer Machiavelli. I have not yet decided if this is a deal breaker. I do love her very much. And as I said it is the deception that bothers me most.

She is not in menopause. When we were more actively pushing the issue between us she was checked for any hormonal problems.

No. No children. She had an early term miscarriage once early on in our marriage. We kept on trying but were never successful. Medically there was no reason we should not have gotten pregnant. She has not been on birth control for most of our marriage. We are both healthy and physically fit. We usually workout together 2 or 3 times a week. We both work out at least 5 days a week.

As for chores, they are shared. I tend to do the outside of the house and anything that involves the use of a tool. She tends to do more cleaning. But I do help. I do all of the ironing because she burns everything. She warned me before we got married!

Sexually I tend to be more dominant. She would take the lead sometime. It really depended on what we were trying. We were pretty adventurous. We actively tried to please each other.

I earn more than her. By more than double. I have earned more than her since we met. We have complete transparency in our finances. I handle the investing and saving for the most part while she tends to take care of the day to day.


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain

Shame on her that she did not disclose that information to you. That says to me that she's really NOT ok with her past. She for sure has lasting issues with it. Shes embarrassed, ashamed, and feels really weird about it all. If she were ok with it, she would be able to share this information with a man she respects and loves enough to marry (she should at least). 

I too, for a summer in between college and getting a job, was a prostitute. I didn't have a pimp, I never had a bad experience, everything was my choice 100% of the time, yet it still took a big mental toll on me. Honestly, it took me by surprise. When I stopped, it took me a couple years to even want to be sexual again, that was 4 years ago, and I am just now starting to be. 

I want to say that her keeping momentos of her time as an prostitute is weird, and to the extreme that she did, IS unusual, but I too kept something from my time as a 'working girl'. I don't know why I kept it. I had actually forgotten about it, and then was doing a deep clean on my room recently, and found it. 

There is no point in her going to therapy if she's just going to play games. She has to want to, and be ready to be real with herself. Its not easy, and its not really something I have been able to do either, however, I do have a great man that I am hanging out with right now. I told him very early on, as soon as things were heading in a sexual direction. It was freeing. It can't feel good to her to be hiding this from you this whole time. I don't have any advice on confronting her, other then, just do it. Take her the box and ask her why she never told you.

Edited to add, I could sit here and list a bunch of excuses why she felt like she couldn't tell you. I can absolutely see how the deception is a deal breaker. I say, hear her out first though before making any serious decisions.


----------



## Machiavelli

Okay, the obvious pitfalls that reduce the females attraction for the male don't seem to be present.

What is her change in "philosophy?" I can guess, but you can give me the straight scoop, so I'll just ask.

What did you do to investigate her activities when you previously suspected an affair?


----------



## costa200

> Both nearing 40. We have been married for 9 years. We both have good careers. In fact a few years ago when she finished her PhD she started a new career as a professor. We are financially stable and have not had any serious issues. Except sex and that is only since she finished her doctorate.


Well, you have here a situation where the sex ranks got changed while in the relationship. As soon as she finished her PhD she figured she could now do better and her interest in you dropped. The timing isn't a coincidence. 

To complete the picture:



> This is compounded by the fact that our sexual intimacy has declined sharply over the last few years. She is now almost completely disinterested in sex. Though she still enjoys being intimate. Once bordering on having an oral fetish, she has not given me a BJ in over 2 years and tells me that she now finds it and sex in general demeaning for her.


She didn't have an oral fetish. What she was doing was servicing you in a way many prostitutes feel easier than vaginal sex (don't have to moan and pretend to be into it and are in control) and now she feels she doesn't have to do it anymore. 

You probably had some sort of sugar daddy thing going without your knowledge. Right now she feels perfectly safe that you won't go anywhere and she has her own legit career. Things have changed. 

Personally i think you should at least make a rough patch in your marriage to see if she fights for you or if she just dumps you on the spot. Or you are going to always wonder exactly what kind of relationship do you have.


----------



## indiecat

She slept with you until just around the time she got her PhD. Then all of a sudden she found sex demeaning with her husband? It's all very odd. Why would sex become demeaning once she got her ticket academically? 
My gut would wonder if she has a girlfriend.


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain

None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about. 

OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.


----------



## AlphaHalf

If there is full transparency with finances, Then there should also be full transparencies with sexual history. I would also look into her having an affair with a OM/OW. Her history is extremely suspect.


----------



## EleGirl

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.
> 
> OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.


:iagree:

The scenarios that people are coming up with and presenting as fact do not serve the OP well at all.

She should have told him about her past 'career'. That was a huge wrong on her part.

But the reason that their sex life is not going to well is unknown. The OP will need to talk to her and perhaps to go counseling to find out what's up with her. To assume it's because she has some devious motive when people know zitch about her is rediculous. I hope that the OP is wise enough to filter through this nonsense.


----------



## EleGirl

AlphaHalf said:


> If there is full transparency with finances, Then there should also be full transparencies with sexual history. I would also look into her having an affair with a OM/OW. Her history is extremely suspect.


So finances = sex? What?


----------



## Entropy3000

So he only needs to validate that she was indeed a prostitute. That she had a hidden past. But of course someone will come up and say the past is the past and it is not his business. That it is her body and she can sell it if she wants. Yadda yadda. Wondermous.

I think the OP knows what he must do here. Before this however he should make sure things are in order to protect himself as much as possible.


----------



## mel123

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.
> 
> .


Illbehisfoolagain;.....You are being a little harsh on your fellow posters. The idea behind these types of forums is to be able for the original poster to get a wide variety of; opinions , thoughts, perspectives from people with different back grounds.

If you label other peoples ideas as "crazy" you are cheating yourself, by not being challenged with ideas opposed to yours. Having your thoughts challenged will cause your thinking and understanding to grow.

The OP has enough intelligence to consider all opinions and consider which ones fit his particular situation


----------



## costa200

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.
> 
> OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.


Just because you don't have a clue it doesn't mean one can't point out the amazing string of coincidences that this situation has. Your solution is to "talk" to her. You mean the woman who managed to hide for years she was a prostitute? Exactly what level of credibility can he attribute to it? 

My way he will at least be able to test it. Make it rough over this issue and see if she really wants to be with him or he was just the sugar daddy. Your solution takes him nowhere, because he can't believe a single word she says. Her actions will tell all.

She fights for him-> she has genuine feelings and the OP handles that

She just dumps him -> He was a sugar daddy that has become redundant now that she has her own legit career.


----------



## Machiavelli

Entropy3000 said:


> But of course someone will come up and say the past is the past and it is *not his business.* That it is her body and she can sell it if she wants. Yadda yadda. Wondermous.


*Hamsters!* Start your engines!


----------



## EleGirl

Entropy3000 said:


> So he only needs to validate that she was indeed a prostitute. That she had a hidden past. But of course someone will come up and say the past is the past and it is not his business. That it is her body and she can sell it if she wants. Yadda yadda. Wondermous.
> 
> I think the OP person knows what he must do here. Before this however he should make sure things are in order to protect himself as much as possible.


No he needs to do a lot more than validate that she was a prostitute. I think he already knows that anyway from what he found.

He needs to decide is he even wants to stay with her. And if he does, how they can get over her current issue of feeling that sex is demeaning.

Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.


----------



## FalconKing

EleGirl said:


> Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.


So the past doesn't really matter but it *may* if someone was a prostitute:scratchhead:

Really?

That's a dangerous attitude to have and it helps when one wants to rugsweep. 

He's been in a sexless marriage and his wife had a very unhealthy lifestyle which she enjoyed. Not only that but his marriage was based on deception. He has the right to look through all the skeletons in her closet he wants.


----------



## Entropy3000

EleGirl said:


> No he needs to do a lot more than validate that she was a prostitute. I think he already knows that anyway from what he found.
> 
> He needs to decide is he even wants to stay with her. And if he does, how they can get over her current issue of feeling that sex is demeaning.
> 
> Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.


Indeed. I am suggesting that he confront her with his evidence. It would likely be one fantastic story she must weave to explain herself. We have no iea from the OP what the evidence was.

Yes it is a leap on my part that most men would not accept the lying, and the fact that she had been a prostitute.

You make my point even further that there is all sorts of baggage with being a prostitute. But are you saying that being a woman this was just her using her talents? This sounds like an extreme feminist agenda thing to me.

To even consider that this is worthy of an R is way way out there, but no doubt that some would like to push that agenda.

So I am suggesting he get his finances in order and confront her as a matter of process. 

If he comes back on the thread ans says he decides this is no biggie then we just have another one of those threads.

So the past does matter. The past is worthy of consideration as it is part of a persons history. So it is not the fact she sold her body and that her body and mind has been with likely thousands of random men bit that maybe just maybe there could be baggage. I say if she gave a way free it would be as bad at this level. But for all rpactical purposes it does not matter.


----------



## Shaggy

She was very adventurous and bi sexual and now she claims sex is demeaning ?

I smell a total rat here, and I think you're going to find that there someone else, very possibly a woman she is involved with.

Give her past,she's no doubt very very good at being discrete bad compartmentalizing. That's why your cursory investigation turn up nothing. 

I wouldn't confront just yet, but I would get working hard on finding who it is she is being sexual with. She obviously a very sexual person with a wide variety of interests. The problem is you are no longer one of the people she is interested in having sex with.

Could there be a client from her past?


----------



## EleGirl

FalconKing said:


> So the past doesn't really matter but it *may* if someone was a prostitute:scratchhead:
> 
> Really?
> 
> That's a dangerous attitude to have and it helps when one wants to rugsweep.
> 
> He's been in a sexless marriage and his wife had a very unhealthy lifestyle which she enjoyed. Not only that but his marriage was based on deception. He has the right to look through all the skeletons in her closet he wants.


You have completely misunderstood my post. I did not suggest anything that you are saying.


----------



## EleGirl

Entropy3000 said:


> Indeed. I am suggesting that he confront her with his evidence. It would likely be one fantastic story she must weave to explain herself. We have no iea from the OP what the evidence was.
> 
> Yes it is a leap on my part that most men would not accept the lying, and the fact that she had been a prostitute.
> 
> You make my point even further that there is all sorts of baggage with being a prostitute.
> 
> But are you saying that being a woman this was just her using her talents? This sounds like an extreme feminist agenda thing to me.


I have no idea where you get the idea that I was suggesting that she was just using her talents. 
I said “Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.”
This is not a general case of a man marrying a woman who has had a few sex partners. 
What I meant is that very often people say that what’s in the past is in the past. But I do not believe that this is a case that fits that. Being a prostitute is something that in my book cannot be overlooked. She had an obligation to tell him of her past because of what she did. 


Entropy3000 said:


> To even consider that this is worthy of an R is way way out there, but no doubt that some would like to push that agenda.


I’m not sure what you mean by “R”. Do you mean recovery? I doubt that they can recover their marriage after this. It’s already compromised with her new attitude towards sex. Now this HUGE lie by omission comes along. And the topic of the lie is in and of itself something that most men could not handle.



Entropy3000 said:


> So I am suggesting he get his finances in order and confront her as a matter of process.
> 
> If he comes back on the thread ans says he decides this is no biggie then we just have another one of those threads.


I agree.


Entropy3000 said:


> So the past does matter. The past is worthy of consideration as it is part of a persons history. So it is not the fact she sold her body and that her body and mind has been with likely thousands of random men bit that maybe just maybe there could be baggage. I say if she gave a way free it would be as bad at this level. But for all rpactical purposes it does not matter.


There is a balance as to what about the past matters. I think that people should share some information about their past. Each person needs to decide for themselves what info about the past they need. Some people will want to know every detail. Others not so much. Then their partner can decide if they are willing to divulge what is being asked for and if the relationship can continue.

But there are things that I thing should be divulged whether asked or not. Like if a person is a felon, has a police record, has filed bankruptcy, how much debt they have, if they have an STD, if they are bi-sexual or gay, if they have had a huge number of sex partners, etc. If the person was a prostitute that would defiantly fall in the list of must divulge, IMHO.


----------



## RandomDude

My wife was an escort in her youth, she told me that after a few months of knowing her when we were still friends. I never judged her for it and I guess I've always gave her the impression that I'm not one to judge - which I'm not (as I have my own dark past). Hence she opened up to me, and it wasn't easy for her to talk about at first, she was fearful of how I would react even though we were close friends (sort of, kinda like friends with feelings for each other lol)

My wife seems to have rather deep issues in relation to her past. It explains how a nympho like her managed to stay off sex when she became a Christian, doesn't explain why her sex drive went berserk as soon as she married me however. But there are many possibilities we are examining atm especially with her reasons behind being an escort.

Still, I wouldn't call it quits just yet. Everyone has a past, and she must have a good reason to hold it from you for so long. But even if she doesn't, after 9 years of marriage you think she would want to tell you all knowing how you would react?


----------



## FalconKing

RandomDude said:


> But even if she doesn't, after 9 years of marriage you think she would want to tell you all knowing how you would react?


She should have told him in the first place. The deception combined with the marital issues is the kicker.


----------



## FalconKing

EleGirl said:


> There is a balance as to what about the past matters. I think that people should share some information about their past. Each person needs to decide for themselves what info about the past they need. Some people will want to know every detail. Others not so much. Then their partner can decide if they are willing to divulge what is being asked for and if the relationship can continue.
> 
> But there are things that I thing should be divulged whether asked or not. Like if a person is a felon, has a police record, has filed bankruptcy, how much debt they have, if they have an STD, if they are bi-sexual or gay, if they have had a huge number of sex partners, etc. If the person was a prostitute that would defiantly fall in the list of must divulge, IMHO.


We are in agreement. I read your post to mean that the past is not a big deal and irrelevant and I felt like you were trying to defend her. I guess you were just looking at it objectively and speaking generally that everyone has a past.


----------



## happyman64

Do you think your wife is just bored with sex because she was so "busy" during her college life?

When you say she recorded her encounters it sounds like your wife was more than just a prostitute?

The fact that she kept all that material just shows you there is a lot more going in your wife's head.

A lot more than just deceiving you!

No matter what you need to confront her. And you should also put that material in a safe place when you do until she gives you answers.

*Where is your wife originally from?*

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> My wife was an escort in her youth, she told me that after a few months of knowing her when we were still friends. I never judged her for it and I guess I've always gave her the impression that I'm not one to judge - which I'm not (as I have my own dark past). Hence she opened up to me, and it wasn't easy for her to talk about at first, she was fearful of how I would react even though we were close friends (sort of, kinda like friends with feelings for each other lol)
> 
> My wife seems to have rather deep issues in relation to her past. It explains how a nympho like her managed to stay off sex when she became a Christian, doesn't explain why her sex drive went berserk as soon as she married me however. But there are many possibilities we are examining atm especially with her reasons behind being an escort.
> 
> Still, I wouldn't call it quits just yet. Everyone has a past, and she must have a good reason to hold it from you for so long. But even if she doesn't, after 9 years of marriage you think she would want to tell you all knowing how you would react?


Of course you understand that the difference is that your wife told you about it all and you had a chance to decide if you could live with her past.

Each person should decide on their own what they can deal with. Further the should have the chance to make that decision by the other person telling them the truth early on.. before marriage.


----------



## Thor

Roger, wow. The deception is understandably a huge problem for you. Have you told her what you found?

What did she study in school? Psychology? Or something similar? Did she have to attend some form of therapy herself as part of her schooling?

I have been told by a reliable source that 100% of prostitutes were sexually abused as children. This statistic is not provable but it is based on valid research. So I believe your wife was sexually abused as a child. That is what I would go with until proven otherwise. Her denial is not proof, btw.

My wife is a clinical psychologist, and I have found out recently she was sexually abused as a child. Decades ago when she was in grad school I observed that psychologists are frequently screwed up, and they as a generalization went into the field because of a specific personal experience.

Anyhow, if your wife was sexually abused it does explain the sexual dysfunction in your marriage. Her promiscuity and her working as a prostitute are not causing her problems today, it was the CSA which led to her promiscuity and becoming a prostitute. It is the CSA which is now polluting your marriage.

She needs good qualified and long term therapy to work through her own issues. You cannot apply "normal" techniques to try to elicit sex from her because her wiring was corrupted as a child. She does not think about sex or emotional intimacy in any way like you do. Your marriage problems will not be resolved until she gets therapy.

You can work on your own issues. Chances are that you have some significant dysfunctions yourself and which were part of the mutual attraction with your wife when you were dating.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.
> 
> OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.


I'm all for being as open minded towards someone as you can. I think there's a lot of judgement that happens on this site, but on the whole, it's beneficial to the people who come here. That being said.

You can't say "you can't begin to assume ore pretend to know what is going on inside someone's head". Unfortunately you can to a large extent. It's called psychology, and you don't need a degree to understand the basics.

There's a reason why 75-90% of the questions that come up on this site are so transparent to so many people who have been there. There's a lot of "walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...yup, it's a duck" that happens.

A woman who was a prostitute WILL have some issues. How many and to what degree will depend on the individual, but I can 100% say beyond a shadow of a doubt the OP's wife has some issues.


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain

Dude, I was a prostitute too, don't think I don't realize we have issues LOL! But for people on here to say things like "She didn't have an oral fetish, she was just doing what all hookers do and use their mouth because its easier." Or other BS like that. I mean, for one its NOT easier to give BJs, our jaws get tired after 5 or so minutes, its hard on the neck, it makes us gag. Plus, even the flavored condoms don't taste great. And if you think we go raw, EWWW! LOL. 

Ok now that I got that out of the way, I think, the issue of someones wife having been a prostitute, is not one of the more common, every day problems that crop up in marriages either. 

I will say, that even though nothing bad ever happened to me while escorting, I still managed to leave myself with some severe anxiety revolving around sex, that took me years to get over, actually, I am still working on it, 4 years later. I am not good at pushing stuff away and ignoring it. Clearly the OPs wife is, thats why I say, we don't know what she is going through. She could be having some legitimate anxiety and disgust for sex right now, maybe not! I would never assume to try to guess what someone is thinking, its a dangerous thing to do. Especially when we are considering someone who, as we know, is clearly damaged.


----------



## EleGirl

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Dude, I was a prostitute too, don't think I don't realize we have issues LOL! But for people on here to say things like "She didn't have an oral fetish, she was just doing what all hookers do and use their mouth because its easier." Or other BS like that. I mean, for one its NOT easier to give BJs, our jaws get tired after 5 or so minutes, its hard on the neck, it makes us gag. Plus, even the flavored condoms don't taste great. And if you think we go raw, EWWW! LOL.
> 
> Ok now that I got that out of the way, I think, the issue of someones wife having been a prostitute, is not one of the more common, every day problems that crop up in marriages either.
> 
> I will say, that even though nothing bad ever happened to me while escorting, I still managed to leave myself with some severe anxiety revolving around sex, that took me years to get over, actually, I am still working on it, 4 years later. I am not good at pushing stuff away and ignoring it. Clearly the OPs wife is, thats why I say, we don't know what she is going through. *She could be having some legitimate anxiety and disgust for sex right now, maybe not*! I would never assume to try to guess what someone is thinking, its a dangerous thing to do. Especially when we are considering someone who, as we know, is clearly damaged.


I've been thinking the same sort of thing. She could be having issues along those lines.

It could be that when she was 'working' she saw herself has having only one value.. sexual to men. Now she's graduating with a PHD. Suddenly she's looking at herself differently and needs to resolve that.

If she further was sexually molested as a child, which is highly likely, she might only now be dealing with it.

We can speculate all day long but the fact is that none of us on here know her, what she's really been through or what she is going through now.


----------



## RandomDude

I'm not saying what she did was right, in fact it's pretty f--ked up. Just hoping OP can try to put himself in her shoes for a second before making any rash decisions.


----------



## Zzyzx

My issue with this is that the volume of written material and pictures indicate that she got into the lifestyle and through that getting into it, she bonded with men through sex numerous times. That often presents a problem in that she may have lost to some unknown extent the capability of giving her husband the same level of sexual bonding that she had already given to other men. Perhaps she was able to paper it over with him for several years but unless she had really worked at her mental issues, this is the sort of thing that will come back to bite her in the butt and in turn have a negative effect on her relationship to her husband. To hear the OP tell it, it already had affected their marriage by the time he discovered the materials.

"Illbehisfoolagain" is an excellent example of this; she says nothing bad happened to her yet she still has anxiety issues around sex that I'm sure interfere with her ability to bond sexually with her husband. It is to her credit that she acknowledges this and is working on it.

Is it possible to come back from this? The wife has to come clean about her past, be truly repentant regarding her former lifestyle and she has to be willing to do the work with him and/or in therapy to keep the relationship. If she does that and he is open to it, then there is that chance they can reconcile. But it's on her to rebuild the trust that was lost.


----------



## Michael A. Brown

It seems that your wife's past does affecting your relationship right now. Why not forget about it, and start something new.


----------



## sandc

I would have a hard time getting over the videos...


----------



## couple

A marriage can't be truly intimate with such a very big secret. If she can finally be open about it with you, you have a much better chance at a truly intimate relationship than you've ever had.

Good luck


----------



## Machiavelli

Elvis has left the building.


----------



## Rob774

OP???

We need an update man. Clearly you've approached this to her by now. I'm torn here. A person's past... is a person't past, and we really can't critique it. But like mentioned above, certain pasts should be discussed if we are to have a chance to have a future. If you found out your wife slept with 10 dudes, even though she slept with 6... its far from a deal breaker. 

This... is totally, totally different. I'd want to know if my wife's a hooker before we met. I'd want to know if she had trains ran on her in college before we met, cause stuff like this... leads to baggage later on in life as the OP is finding out. You find sex with me degrading??? You are basically opening the front door, greasing the floor and giving me a shove. Like others boosted, it seems rather odd all this comes to ahead once she gets this degree. I can definitely understand why she's want to hide her past, but we'd definitely would have to discuss it in relation to what's going on now with her.


----------



## RogerDA

Sorry for not coming back sooner. Life has a way of getting away from one. Not only on this issue though. Work related.

For the record. It is not the fact that she was a prostitute that I have a problem with. Good people can do very bad things for what they think are good reasons. And I was far from an innocent or an angel before we got together. It is the deception that gets me. Would I have married her if I had known. After a great deal of soul searching I have to say yes. I think I would.

To answer a few questions I have seen in the posts.

I am not aware of her having been abused in any way. I knew her father and am close to most of her family. Granted none of that really means anything when it comes to abuse. However, I have now read her journals from back into her teen years. Nothing leads me to believe that she experienced any kind of tragedy. Nor do there seem to be any bad or unwanted roughness when she was a prostitute. Her writing is really that of someone who enjoyed doing it. Also, I don't think money was that big of a motivator for her. She comes from a fairly well off family. And on that note. Financially she could be totally independent without me. She has inherited well from a few relatives.

I to am pretty well adjusted. No abuse, depression, addiction or extreme character flaws. When we did try counseling I did go to a number of sessions on my own. I am not saying that I am perfect. I have flaws. But I am hope I am well aware of them.

What was her philosophical change? That is hard to pin down. In one sense it was a spiritual change. Neither of us were ever that religious but I would have described her as a spiritualist. Now I would say she is nearly an atheist. And I know this does trouble her at times.

Zzyzx does make a point that strikes me. For the last few years she was only working for a handful of people. They took her on trips and paid her a great deal of money. I remember that shortly after we married, an older friend of hers died. She was very upset and even flew back for his funeral. I now know that he was one of her "patrons." I do not think that she has been in contact with any others for a very long time. How do I know. When I suspected she was cheating I investigated. That is also why I am reasonably sure that she is/was not cheating. With a man or a woman.

She comes home next week. I will wait until after Thanksgiving since we have family staying with us. My approach is going to be that I found this stuff. I need to know why she hid it for so long. I would also like her to help me understand why she lived that life. It is not a judgmental thing. Rather, I want to try and understand her.

But the harder questions I need her to try to answer are those about where we go from here. I need her in my life as a wife. I will gladly help her get back to a place where we can live like that together. I am willing to take the time that is needed. But I need to see that she wants it too. I also know that it probably will not be like it was before. If on the other hand she does not feel like we can get back to being a couple, I will also help her get past anything she needs to be able to move on in her life. I do not need to talk to our accountant or attorney to know that we could easily go our separate ways. Not that she needs to come to all of this at the moment of confrontation. I know this is the sort of thing that takes time.

I have however, spoken to our old counselor and she has given me what I think is good advice and led me to much of what I have said here.

I have also found it troubling that for me, in my professional life, I need to be a good judge of character and be able to sense deception. I am very good at these things. I guess it just lends credence to the old adage that we are often blind to those closest to us.


----------



## happyman64

Good update Roger.

I think you made a lot of sense.

Let us know how you make out with your wife.

I hope she is forthcoming with you and gives you a positive response regarding your marriage.

Good Luck

HM


----------



## hookares

Something has happened in the last two years to elicit a change in her. She didn't mention her previous occupation simply because she knows that in most other people's minds, it doesn't enhance her appeal. It's up to you to decide how to handle this information,but it seems that the way she is distancing herself from you makes it appear that she may have other interests that don't include you.


----------



## Madman1

Have you had a chance to talk with her? Update?


----------



## RogerDA

Ahh...Where to begin?

I confronted her just after Thanksgiving. Her reaction was one of profound relief. Lots of tears on both our parts and we spent a long time holding each other before she could speak coherently. We also had some of the best sex we have had in a very log time the next day.

The long and the short of it is this: 

She lived this life by her own choice and she enjoyed every minute of it. She hid it from me because as we fell in love she was not sure if I could handle it and did not know what it would do to my career if it came out. As my career and our relationship progressed she got deeper into being afraid to reveal it. But she kept the journals and videos because she would not allow herself to bury it to the extent that she could permanently hide it. In a way she was hoping I would discover it on my own. This box was actually in one of our old homes for a couple of years but I never noticed it. Also, she has never cheated on me, though the temptation has come up in recent years. I guess here I should divulge that in the early stages of our relationship and marriage we did swing/swap with a close group of two other couples. We all grew out of this as our marriages matured. We are still close friends with them.

She has "given" me all of the things I have found. They are mine to destroy or keep as I see fit.

From here sequences and sources become muddled for me as this has been an emotional whirlwind for me.

For the last year or so my wife has been getting counseling from a fellow professor who also counsels fellow faculty at my wife's university. This person is reputable and very well qualified. I have met with her with my wife's consent.

To begin with, my wife claims to have never been sexually or emotional abused prior to her prostitution. And during her time selling herself she was never forced or raped. Her counselor is inclined to believe this. It seems however, that given the fairly "traditional" upbringing she had, my wife had trouble adjusting to life where she was her own master. Additionally, my wife is deeply worried that she is truly a lesbian. The therapist is reluctant to say definitively whether or not he thinks my wife is bi-sexual or a lesbian. But he is inclined towards bi-sexuality. 

Another interesting thing I have learned is that my wife has been repressing her sexual dominance. Apparently she was always dominant in her intimate relationships with women (and many men) but with me she has generally taken the submissive role. I see a lot of truth here as in her friendships with women she tends to be the leader.

Working on and completing her PhD and inheriting enough money to be self sufficient, gave her much more self confidence but also caused her to question many things about her life and current choices. 

Her therapist has warned me that he is worried that m wife's attraction to women is very strong right now and that I need to be prepared for how I want to deal with this. In the sense of allowing her to indulge apart from me or with my participation or approval. Apparently she fantasizes about both. Or is this a hard wall for me.

I am extremely conflicted. On one hand I love my wife and want her to be healthy and happy. I want to be with her. On the another hand I want to be monogamous with her. But at times, like now when I may have had too much wine, I think I am willing to go back into that life. I am a very sexual man who has been unable to slake my need for a long time.

Tonight we talked for a long time again. We started with a nice dinner and enjoyed each others company. But our talking turned to this issue between us. The love is there. But are the needs and wants compatible? We are not ready to divorce. But she brought up a separation. She has agreed to marriage counseling. But I have been down this road before with her...


----------



## happyman64

Roger

I think you are going to be in a world of hurt.

You both love each other? But she discussed a separation?

She is not sure if she is a lesbian?

And she needs a shrink to figure this out and she is almost 40?

So if sex has declined over the past 2 years who has she been getting sex from? If no one, why?

And if your wife so easily lived the life as a prostitute, getting a thrill and being paid for it then I think she is leaning back towards that thrill.

Just the fact that she wanted you to find that evidence that she held onto clearly shows she wanted you to find out. She wanted that burden off her shoulders but was not mature enough to bring it to you or tell you the truth.

I do not think swinging/swapping is going to solve her sexual problems nor your marriage issues.

If anything it will only complicate your issues.

I think she needs to be more honest with you. And if she pushes for the separation than you two clearly need to discuss the conditions of your separation very clearly.

And I do not care is she is straight, bi or a lesbian.

The fact she could not tell you the truth about her prostitution and sexual orientation speaks volumes about her self esteem and honor. 

I hope she figures herself out sooner rather than later for your sake.

HM64


----------



## Bobby5000

But she brought up a separation. If you she cannot commit to a monogamous, heterosexual relationship with only you, some very basis, then maybe you should call it a day.


----------



## Wiserforit

hmmmm...

The thing that is troubling is the deception. Not just with you, but apparently with counselors too.

I wouldn't have a problem with prostitution either and in particular being an escort to older rich guys as a college hottie is not that unusual. The idea is a bit exciting to me but then again fantasy is not the same thing as reality. 



> She hid it from me because as we fell in love she was not sure if I could handle it...


Translation: I'll lie to get what I want. 



> she kept the journals and videos because she would not allow herself to bury it to the extent that she could permanently hide it. In a way she was hoping I would discover it on my own.


If she wanted you to know then she would have told you. So reject the "I wanted you to find it" B.S.

"Would not allow herself to bury it" is translated as "kept momentos of her thrilling adventures". 

What she's done is minimize lying through rationalization and furthermore pulled the old "I did it for you" turn-the-tables manipulation. She's done all this out of selfish reasons and the fact is you did not know the person you married. 

Look how long she's repressed her true feelings. Sheesh, no wonder she was acting like a person who had been supressing their feelings for years and finally wore out doing it. That would be the sense of relief she felt, but not out of her own choice to come clean. 

You married a liar. One might say that prostitution shouldn't matter, but one thing real handy to that profession is being good at lying and deception. What she has been honest about now, insofar as you know, is what the evidence you found proved already. So I wouldn't be so cheerful about thinking she's changed her stripes.

So accept she is not the person you thought she was, and that she got damn good and tired of pretending to be the person you thought she was. You don't know who she really is, nor whether she loves you. 

I would not be letting her take the driver's seat and being all beta here with letting her now go out and explore "who she really is", coming back to you on whatever terms she dictates when she feels like it. What she did was terribly cruel, to conceal such fundamental aspects of her character. 

This would have been a deal breaker for me. The falling out of love followed by this huge explanatory deception. No way I'd stay with someone after that.


----------



## RogerDA

Well, things are going well. 

The New Year started with communication. We even had sex a few times. Appointments were made with therapists and we decided not to separate. She agreed to my terms and I was prepared for a long road to a hopeful recovery. But I was still wary and was making plans toward protecting myself just incase.

Then this past Tuesday I got a call from her sister wanting to meet after work. Turns out she had been suspecting that her husband was having an affair for sometime. She installed a nanny cam in her bedroom. What did she find? Footage of her neighbors Danish au pair and her husband having all kinds of fun! On the advice of her lawyer she kept recording and gathering evidence. Since I am posting this here you know what's coming...

Like out of some cliched cheap porn film her sister (my wife) walks in and joins the romps! Yes! romps in the plural.

Needless to say I was furious for many reasons. I was pissed that she did not tell me as soon as she found out. But I understand that she was building a case with her lawyer for financial and child custody reasons. And that the betrayal by her sister made it even worse. And she did not know too much about the problems her sister and I were having (she knew about the promiscuity but nothing about the prostitution, until i told her).

But what makes this even worse for me is that 3 of these encounters with the brother-in-law and the Danish bombshell took place AFTER my dear wife and I had been talking. And AFTER she professed that she had not cheated. In fact there is a wonderful video from January 2nd of just him and my wife where she tied him up and gave him 30 minutes of fellatio!!! This is just days after she agreed to go to counseling. And on the same day that we agreed that neither of us wanted to separate. Hours before actually!!

So why did I open with "things are going well"? Because I feel free! I have met with my lawyer and financial people. Papers are being drawn up. It will be an easy divorce. A clean split since most of our finances are separate and aside from cars we have very little joint property. My sister in law and I are going to time serving them so that we do it on the same day. We agreed to try not to let on that we know whats going on.

I have this fantasy of my soon to be ex wife and I having a romantic evening. We start to try and have sex. I will ask her for a blow job. She will say "no. I cant stand the thought of having a man in my mouth" I will then press play and the TV in our bedroom will light up with my dear dear wife giving her brother in law an extremely erotic blowjob. And thats when I hand her the divorce papers and kick her ass out of my house.


----------



## sandc

I hope you thank your sister in law profusely for coming to you.

Is she good looking?


----------



## Jasel

Wow. That is rough. Can't say I blame you for wanting to bail. I'd have run out of that marriage head first.


----------



## EleGirl

Maybe you two can plan to serve them when they have their next romp. That would be fitting.

Unbelievable... (not really there are some messed up people in this world)


----------



## EleGirl

RogerDA said:


> Well, things are going well.
> 
> The New Year started with communication. We even had sex a few times. Appointments were made with therapists and we decided not to separate. She agreed to my terms and I was prepared for a long road to a hopeful recovery. But I was still wary and was making plans toward protecting myself just incase.
> 
> Then this past Tuesday I got a call from her sister wanting to meet after work. Turns out she had been suspecting that her husband was having an affair for sometime. She installed a nanny cam in her bedroom. What did she find? Footage of her neighbors Danish au pair and her husband having all kinds of fun! On the advice of her lawyer she kept recording and gathering evidence. Since I am posting this here you know what's coming...
> 
> Like out of some cliched cheap porn film her sister (my wife) walks in and joins the romps! Yes! romps in the plural.
> 
> Needless to say I was furious for many reasons. I was pissed that she did not tell me as soon as she found out. But I understand that she was building a case with her lawyer for financial and child custody reasons. And that the betrayal by her sister made it even worse. And she did not know too much about the problems her sister and I were having (she knew about the promiscuity but nothing about the prostitution, until i told her).
> 
> But what makes this even worse for me is that 3 of these encounters with the brother-in-law and the Danish bombshell took place AFTER my dear wife and I had been talking. And AFTER she professed that she had not cheated. In fact there is a wonderful video from January 2nd of just him and my wife where she tied him up and gave him 30 minutes of fellatio!!! This is just days after she agreed to go to counseling. And on the same day that we agreed that neither of us wanted to separate. Hours before actually!!
> 
> So why did I open with "things are going well"? Because I feel free! I have met with my lawyer and financial people. Papers are being drawn up. It will be an easy divorce. A clean split since most of our finances are separate and aside from cars we have very little joint property. My sister in law and I are going to time serving them so that we do it on the same day. We agreed to try not to let on that we know whats going on.
> 
> I have this fantasy of my soon to be ex wife and I having a romantic evening. We start to try and have sex. I will ask her for a blow job. She will say "no. I cant stand the thought of having a man in my mouth" I will then press play and the TV in our bedroom will light up with my dear dear wife giving her brother in law an extremely erotic blowjob. And thats when I hand her the divorce papers and kick her ass out of my house.


You sounds like one of the good guys. I'm sorry for what she has put you through and taken from you. But I'm glad that you will not be free to find someone who has the capacity to love.


----------



## happyman64

> I will then press play and the TV in our bedroom will light up with my dear dear wife giving her brother in law an extremely erotic blowjob. And thats when I hand her the divorce papers and kick her ass out of my house.


Roger,

Please do this!

Not just because your wife truly deserves this treatment after lying to you. Not only because her actions are not only so hurtful to you and her sister.

But because as a man you are going to need to do this for you. To get all the anger out of your system in one shot. To get this woman out of your life in one shot as best you can.

It sucks when you realize she has been playing you for a while now. And she has been playing alot of games.

I hope that shows you just how sick in the head she is.

Not only is she losing you but a few members of her family.

I hope your SIL narcs on the Au Pair as well.

Send her butt back home.....

Sorry for your pain.

HM64


----------



## Mario Kempes

sandc said:


> I hope you thank your sister in law profusely for coming to you.
> 
> *Is she good looking?*


Soooo funny!


----------



## Mario Kempes

RogerDA said:


> Well, things are going well.
> 
> The New Year started with communication. We even had sex a few times. Appointments were made with therapists and we decided not to separate. She agreed to my terms and I was prepared for a long road to a hopeful recovery. But I was still wary and was making plans toward protecting myself just incase.
> 
> Then this past Tuesday I got a call from her sister wanting to meet after work. Turns out she had been suspecting that her husband was having an affair for sometime. She installed a nanny cam in her bedroom. What did she find? Footage of her neighbors Danish au pair and her husband having all kinds of fun! On the advice of her lawyer she kept recording and gathering evidence. Since I am posting this here you know what's coming...
> 
> Like out of some cliched cheap porn film her sister (my wife) walks in and joins the romps! Yes! romps in the plural.
> 
> Needless to say I was furious for many reasons. I was pissed that she did not tell me as soon as she found out. But I understand that she was building a case with her lawyer for financial and child custody reasons. And that the betrayal by her sister made it even worse. And she did not know too much about the problems her sister and I were having (she knew about the promiscuity but nothing about the prostitution, until i told her).
> 
> But what makes this even worse for me is that 3 of these encounters with the brother-in-law and the Danish bombshell took place AFTER my dear wife and I had been talking. And AFTER she professed that she had not cheated. In fact there is a wonderful video from January 2nd of just him and my wife where she tied him up and gave him 30 minutes of fellatio!!! This is just days after she agreed to go to counseling. And on the same day that we agreed that neither of us wanted to separate. Hours before actually!!
> 
> So why did I open with "things are going well"? Because I feel free! I have met with my lawyer and financial people. Papers are being drawn up. It will be an easy divorce. A clean split since most of our finances are separate and aside from cars we have very little joint property. My sister in law and I are going to time serving them so that we do it on the same day. We agreed to try not to let on that we know whats going on.
> 
> I have this fantasy of my soon to be ex wife and I having a romantic evening. We start to try and have sex. I will ask her for a blow job. She will say "no. I cant stand the thought of having a man in my mouth" I will then press play and the TV in our bedroom will light up with my dear dear wife giving her brother in law an extremely erotic blowjob. And thats when I hand her the divorce papers and kick her ass out of my house.


That's pretty amazing, Roger.

Good luck in the future. Hope you find the woman you deserve and that she finds the man she deserves!!!


----------



## keko

She probably has been cheating since when the sex with you slowed down. You should get a thorough STD check up.

You never suspected anything between the BIL and your stbx?


----------



## Cosmos

I'm not suggesting this for one minute, OP, but wouldn't it be sweet revenge to email those videos to all their family, friends and employers....

You deserve far better than a woman like her.

Edited to add: I would get myself tested if I were you, OP. Who knows how many others the gruesome twosome have been playing with...


----------



## Shaggy

I like your plan.

Maybe you should date the sister after both Ds.


----------



## Shaggy

I guess you know why you haven't been getting sex and why she "lost" her interest in sex. She was having three ways with her BIL.

Why do I now think her trip to Europe was a sex meet up and that she likely has had more than few partners since your sex life dried up. 

Your wife sounds like a swinger who is into kinky stuff. Somewhere she decided you no longer interested her so she cut you off. But her sex life didn't stop in fact she was likely in high gear with group sex, mild bsdm etc.

The trip to Europe without you was her meeting up with others and going at it.


----------



## Shaggy

I recommend exposure on cheaterville.com very much in this case.


----------



## lonewolf8545

Wow, that was a hell of a twist to your marriage. Glad it finally all came to the surface.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Wiserforit

Good lessons here for all of us.

A person who has this kind of secret life when she was younger isn't going to change her stripes.


----------



## Honest opinion

Oh waw,your story is like a movie ,I am so sorry for what your going through..the good thing is once you discovered her past it didn't take long to finish this relation without your SIN this might have dragged for along time as with your good heart you were going to forgive and forget and she will continue her sick behavior,I hope you find agood girl to spend the rest of your life happy good luck.


----------



## loveisforever

Even in the beginning of your post, I wonder how you can trust such a women with such a lousy character.

She played you well. Do you realize how many things she told you can be lies? 

No wonder she is sterile. 

Do a STD test to protect you.


----------



## MattMatt

FalconKing said:


> She should have told him in the first place. The deception combined with the marital issues is the kicker.


She might not have viewed it as a deception. She might not have told any of her friends, family, colleagues about her past. After all, "Hi! I am Professor Joan Bloggs. I have a PhD in xxxxx. However, what many of you might not know, I used to work as a prostitute!"

Gosh. I can't think of one reason why she might not want anyone to know that.

I can see the newspaper headlines, now: "Professor Prostitute. Academic confesses to sordid past."

The trouble is, she has a sordid present, too.

How are you doing, now?


----------



## Shaggy

Update?


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

Seriously wtf! How can someone trust any woman after reading this, much less live through it?

I think exposure should be in order. Family members and friends have a right to know, since she will be giving them the "oh we just grew apart" treatment. Maybe she'll even say you were abusive.

I had a weird feeling reading this when she said to the therapist that she hadn't cheated but there had been "temptations". Once someone sees something as a temptation, they will be tempted to do it.

Lucky for you, you didn't have a child from this skank of a woman. And come to think, you were thinking about helping her get back on her feet if you had divorced. Never put anything past anybody.


----------



## Rob774

Methinks she's bipolar. Maybe that's just giving her an excuse to commit her crimes. But to read all she's been doing. The lack of s-x to her husband, the letters, the video, the water works after the exposure, the trinkle s-x she's been breaking him off with since them. Sounds like she's not right. 

Before his last response, i was on the verge of telling him he should walk, because it still seemed like they weren't moving forward, just kinda stagnate. She was doing "just enough" to keep him around, and if she would of left, it would of been on her terms, after she strung him along for another year. But to finally discover she's been cheating, probably all along with the BIL and / or others.


----------



## RogerDA

Tonight feels like my first true night of the rest of my life.

I confronted her on Tuesday evening after we returned from a function at her University. In the car on the way home she even asked me when our first therapy session would be! That lead to me sharing with her that I was having a hard time trusting her. God I wish I had recorded her performance. It was Oscar worthy.

"You can trust me because I have told you everything!" "I have never cheated on you." blah blah blah.

But this time, without my blinders on, I was able to see all of the tell tail signs of a lier. How could I have missed them for all these years?

As soon as we walked through the door I queued the movies and watched her masterful performance. She went from sobbing hysterically and professing love to anger at me spying on her and back again. Interestingly, it did take her a bit to realize the significance of me having videos of her with her brother in law and the au pair in her sisters house. That was when she went ballistic. Luckily i had taken the opportunity to take her phone earlier in the evening and disconnecting the house phone because she immediately tried to call him. 

In the end she agreed to my terms. She knows that if I decided to get mean I could really cause her problems. Especially since she is up for tenure and I doubt the board would look kindly on this sort of thing.

I have to admit that I am pretty happy with how I handled myself. I didn't let myself feed into the frenzy. I basically treated it like a business deal. But the bastard in me did win through and I kept the video of her giving her brother in law a bj playing even though she begged me to turn it off.

After she agreed to the divorce she packed her bags and I showed her the door. She met with her family's lawyer today so that she covers that base. But she signed. so 6 months from now I will officially be a free man

STD test was done last week. The urine tests came back clean. the blood test should be back next week. My sister in law had already done this and she has come back clean. But my doctor and I have decided that we will run the full panel again in a couple months. 

The last two night have been the best two nights of sleep I have had in a long time. The movers will be here tomorrow to get the rest of her things. 

Life is good!


----------



## FalconKing

RogerDA is DA man!
.............


Sorry, that's all I could think of


----------



## FalconKing

Hey Roger. Did her sister have much to say about your STBXW? Any childhood trauma or strange behavior in their youth?


----------



## EleGirl

Roger, so glad that it went down like it did. You pulled that off with style. You know that by doing it the way you did, she will not fight you in the divorce. Pluse it's good to see the good guys win sometimes.


----------



## Fisherman

RogerDA said:


> Tonight feels like my first true night of the rest of my life.
> 
> I confronted her on Tuesday evening after we returned from a function at her University. In the car on the way home she even asked me when our first therapy session would be! That lead to me sharing with her that I was having a hard time trusting her. God I wish I had recorded her performance. It was Oscar worthy.
> 
> "You can trust me because I have told you everything!" "I have never cheated on you." blah blah blah.
> 
> But this time, without my blinders on, I was able to see all of the tell tail signs of a lier. How could I have missed them for all these years?
> 
> As soon as we walked through the door I queued the movies and watched her masterful performance. She went from sobbing hysterically and professing love to anger at me spying on her and back again. Interestingly, it did take her a bit to realize the significance of me having videos of her with her brother in law and the au pair in her sisters house. That was when she went ballistic. Luckily i had taken the opportunity to take her phone earlier in the evening and disconnecting the house phone because she immediately tried to call him.
> 
> In the end she agreed to my terms. She knows that if I decided to get mean I could really cause her problems. Especially since she is up for tenure and I doubt the board would look kindly on this sort of thing.
> 
> I have to admit that I am pretty happy with how I handled myself. I didn't let myself feed into the frenzy. I basically treated it like a business deal. But the bastard in me did win through and I kept the video of her giving her brother in law a bj playing even though she begged me to turn it off.
> 
> After she agreed to the divorce she packed her bags and I showed her the door. She met with her family's lawyer today so that she covers that base. But she signed. so 6 months from now I will officially be a free man
> 
> STD test was done last week. The urine tests came back clean. the blood test should be back next week. My sister in law had already done this and she has come back clean. But my doctor and I have decided that we will run the full panel again in a couple months.
> 
> The last two night have been the best two nights of sleep I have had in a long time. The movers will be here tomorrow to get the rest of her things.
> 
> Life is good!


Now that you got the papers signed you ought to expose her to her tenure board anyway.


----------



## the guy

SO her hidden past life is her current life.

What a way to finish off the old year. Even better what a way to start a new year.....free from deciet and lies.

BTW, why did you play the the survalienc as soon as you got home, I though you were going to wait and play it in bed?


----------



## sandc

Very well done indeed. :smthumbup:


----------



## Decorum

Kudos!


----------



## Jasel

I would expose anyway. Although after the divorce is final.

But good job

So sorry this happened to you though


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

I would expose, too. Come on man, she destroyed of your frigging life, just used you as a meal ticket. You're gonna let her get away with this?


----------



## happyman64

I am happy for you and sad for you at the same time Roger.

How did your SIL make out?

Did you expose at the same time?


----------



## EleGirl

Roger and the SIL who did the taping have to be careful with what they expose. Videotaping a person(s) in the bedroom is illegal in most states. 

While it's fine to have surveillance in public rooms of the house, certain rooms are considered to have a presumption of privacy. The bathroom and bedroom are two such rooms.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

Yeah, but the SIL's lawyer actually encouraged the evidence gathering. I dunno.


----------



## EleGirl

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yeah, but the SIL's lawyer actually encouraged the evidence gathering. I dunno.


Hopefully the lawyer knew what was legal and what was not.


----------



## RogerDA

Thanks for all the positive support!

The movers left just a bit ago. Its amazing how fast a person's things can just disappear. I didn't quibble over pieces of furniture because I have decided to gut and redo the house. I have always loved this place and can't wait to get my tools out to make it better. 

I had breakfast with my sister in law. Things went OK for her. But in her case she made sure she had people with her who escorted him out of the house. The logistics of her divorce may take a bit more doing though.

FYI- someone asked if my sister in law was pretty. All of the sisters are very beautiful women. She is by far the best looking. But I am not going there!!!!!!!!

I am astonished at how the family is dealing with this. Of course most of the details have made their way to their ears. Surprisingly my stbx confessed all to her mother. With the exception of one very elderly great aunt, everybody seems to be supportive of my SIL and me. Their mother is trying to remain as neutral as possible.

As long as she sticks to the deal I am not going to bother exposing her. She is not worth the effort. And I know I can get my life back on track. But I have no plans on getting into any deep relationships for a long time. It will be hard to trust anyone like that for a while. 

But one of my oldest and best friends, who has been through a nasty divorce of her own, has advised that I need to get back into the saddle for a little recreational sport of my own because it has been far too long since I have enjoyed that side of life. we shall see.


----------



## RogerDA

FalconKing said:


> Hey Roger. Did her sister have much to say about your STBXW? Any childhood trauma or strange behavior in their youth?


I did ask and she said that there was never any abuse or trauma.

She did say that as a little girl my stbx was more adventurous than the other kids and they gave their parents some heartburn. but nothing out of the norm.


----------



## RogerDA

loveisforever said:


> She played you well. Do you realize how many things she told you can be lies?


This is the thing that I keep coming back to. I have always been good at reading people. It is an essential skill in my work. And I am good at it. So how she was able to find this gap in my armor is something that I need to find out. Maybe its because we were together before I had built up my defenses?

At the end there, when she was spinning her lies and I could see all the tells I just kept asking myself how I could miss this!!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

RogerDA said:


> This is the thing that I keep coming back to. I have always been good at reading people.


So am I and that's our fatal flaw. When you trust someone you turn it off. You can't have a healthy relationship, built on trust, when reading people is something you do before you build trust.


----------



## sandc

I asked if your SIL was cute. 

But I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from that family.

Pity she's related to them.


----------



## happyman64

RogerDA said:


> This is the thing that I keep coming back to. I have always been good at reading people. It is an essential skill in my work. And I am good at it. So how she was able to find this gap in my armor is something that I need to find out. Maybe its because we were together before I had built up my defenses?
> 
> At the end there, when she was spinning her lies and I could see all the tells I just kept asking myself how I could miss this!!


Easily. You were in love with your wife.

It just sucks that the love of your life was a liar, cheater and [email protected]

Because she screwed a really great guy that loved her for who she said she was.

In addition to her wanting you to find her collection of memories, you wonder if she would have finally clued you into her current promiscuity???


----------



## Decorum

Have you ever caught a skunk in a trap you set for a ****?
You want it gone but you have to be a little careful.
They dont know what is good for them.

When you un-spring the trap and they finally amble off into the brush its a relief.

You didnt realize what a skunk she was till the end, now you know.

Do you wonder why someone like this stays? I know cake eating, but still, to stay and indulge herself without any true regard for her husbands needs, is so selfish and broken.


----------



## Thor

RogerDA said:


> At the end there, when she was spinning her lies and I could see all the tells I just kept asking myself how I could miss this!!


There's an official term for it, Truth Bias or something like that. You learn to trust her and then you assume she is honest from there on out. I think another part of it is projecting your own values onto her. You would never dream of doing the kinds of things she did, so you never dream should could have done them. So the possibility never crosses your mind.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

I think I would still go the SIL route. Maybe it's destiny.:smthumbup:


----------

