# Falling Apart



## LeiaMadras (Feb 14, 2020)

I (F54) am married to M43. It is my second marriage and his first. We have been together 14.5 years and married for 10 of those. When I met him he was an alcoholic drug addict who was suffering from undiagnosed hypogonadism. Although he had symptoms the whole of his adult life, I was the first person to help him seek answers and get onto a medication routine (testosterone replacement therapy) which has turned his life around. He has been clean and dry for 12 years. Apart from some blips in the first year we were together, we were blissfully happy. I have 3 kids from my first marriage (now independent adults) and they have a better relationship with him than their own Dad. About 5 years ago we both received inheritances which meant we could pay off our mortgage and were enjoying the security which came with that.

I have always struggled with my weight. I lost a load of weight when we got married but it snuck back on. We went to New York for his 40th birthday and I was so disabled by walking around the city that a couple of months later I decided to do something about it and started what would become a lifestyle reboot, dieting, lots of walking, cycling to and from work etc. It was about that time that Pokemon Go came out and I started playing to make my walks more interesting. A couple of months later he started playing too. We joined a local group and helped to co-ordinate activities. Husband is a carer and works odd shift patterns. Because of this he is available during the day and could play whilst I was at work. He developed a close friendship with a man who was on long term sick leave, whose outlook on life did not gel with ours at all. He was a racist, misogynist drunk but people seemed to like him regardless. 

Running alongside this I was experiencing some gynae issues and had a Mirena coil fitted. This turned out to be a disaster, made my symptoms worse and made me irritable. The hospital encouraged me to persevere. An ex girlfriend of my husband was having a very bad time. Two bouts of cancer and her husband left her. He was spending a lot of time with her.

My husband's friend eventually found a new job. We would often go out as a group. On this evening there were only 4 of us though. Whilst my husband was smoking outside the pub his friend randomly assaulted me. I immediately challenged what he had done, in front of my husband, but he would not let me go home as we had only just arrived and he had not seen what had happened. The friend told me I should be grateful he had done what he did and if I hadn't like it why hadn't I scratched his face and other horrible things which haunt me still. My relationship with the Pokemon group deteriorated because I was frightened to be near this man. Over the next few days and weeks my husband increasingly took his friend's side and told me I was overreacting. they went to see the man's wife and made her agree that what happened was ok. We were rowing about what happened but I hadn't talked to anyone about it for fear of being told I was being ridiculous. My husband came home one night having been and got matching (heart) tattoos with the ex gf. I was distraught but told I was overreacting again. Eventually I spoke to the Chaplain at work and he told me I was not a snowflake and that I could go to the police if I wanted to. I did not go because I did not want this man's wife to have to support him as she had done for the previous year. My husband walked out a week later after another row that came about after a comment about another friend who had been assaulted and I wanted to know why that was not ok, but me being assaulted was.

He came back (he was at the ex gf's house for a couple of days) and I tried everything to fix the mess. I had the mirena removed. We both went on Sertraline. We went to Relate a couple of times but he stopped this as he said he had nothing to talk about and the counsellor didn't like him. He said he didn't like doing grocery shopping whilst I was at work, so I took that over. I took over the cooking. I always did the majority of the cleaning. He seemed to be going though some kind of breakdown which meant I had to shelve my own problems to make sure he was looked after. He spent all his time on his phone.

We stumbled on. He continued to see the ex gf, on one occasion driving to see her in the late evening the day after we returned from vacation. At some point my daughter made me aware that they had fallen out. This did not surprise me as they had always had a volatile relationship. I arranged for us to go to Rome for his birthday. whilst we were there he received a text from her informing him she was pregnant. You can imagine how well that went down although he asserted it could not be his baby as he hadn't seen her for a couple of months. The Nebido he takes reduces sperm count as well. He would only deny sleeping with her if pushed ("Did you sleep with her?")

We stumbled on. We went to Prague (booked almost a year in advance) At no point during the break did he return to our hotel with me. He stayed outside smoking with his phone whilst I returned to the room alone. At about this time I had 6 weeks of counselling to try to work out what was happening in my own head.

I manage all our admin. I was filing some bank statements when I found an odd transaction. Further digging uncovered membership of multiple casual sex hook up sites. I froze for weeks. Eventually spoke to a lawyer and got myself tested. Then I confronted him. His first response was that it was "a joke". Then he said it was just one (so I produced proof of a second site). He then realised he'd really messed up and offered to leave but I could not pull off the kill shot. So he stayed.

I insisted he told people about what he's done, only to find out in the last week that he downplayed this as a single dating site, not for multiple casual hook ups. He says he never met up with anyone and I suppose I believe him. He has significant ED and hates the side effects of Viagra. He refuses to sleep with me. Despite all this he says he loves me.

Since then he has taken up knitting and crocheting. All he does outside work is see his (unemployed) friends and crochet random squares. During another row he told me it was none of my business what he does when I am at work. If I ask him to do anything I am made to regret it (he repaired some paintwork with the wrong colour and broke the hoover in the process) He refuses to have counselling saying there is nothing wrong with him.

We went to see my elder son two weeks ago. I have a hearing impairment and was driving. He was playing music which had a siren on it which was distressing me. He flew off the handle about it, we had another row outside my son's house and in temper I asked him when he was going to move out. He went two days later whilst I was at work and has refused to speak to me since. He has been back to the house a couple of times to get personal possessions including all his wool. He is staying with his Dad who is not supportive of us staying married.

Help?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Unfortunately I don't have any words of encouragement.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

LeiaMadras, please leave, why would you want this ahole of a man? He's done nothing to show he loves you in the way a man or husband should. Quit thinking so little of yourself, and for what your H's approval. 

Sorry dump his butt, let him go back to his heart sharing old girlfriend. He's a loser it plain and simple. You can on the other hand get some help for your depression issues. And once you get a handle on it then you can make sound and proper decisions on how a person is to be treated. 

So let him go don't take him back, get some help and start your new life where you value yourself first and let those people come in to your life who value you the same.


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## LeiaMadras (Feb 14, 2020)

Although the original post does not reflect this, until 13th July 2018 our marriage was fantastic. We were soul mates, did everything together and had the best adventures. It fell apart in 6 weeks and to this day I do not understand how. I wonder if what happened to me triggered something latent in him.

I brought significant assets into the marriage from my first divorce which I thought I had ring fenced with a Trust deed. I have paid for all of the structural improvements made to our house. It has increased in value in those 12 years, but not by as much as I have invested in the property. If he was so inclined, he could ruin me as apparently he can demand 50% of the house and my pensions and after this time the Trust deed counts for nothing. We have 4 cats that he dotes on. If I had to sell up, I would most likely have to rehome them. I have a maximum of 12 working years left to retirement. 

I am well aware I have self esteem issues going back to my upbringing and my first marriage. The irony was that H did so much to repair this in the early days that I had become a much happier confident person cocooned in his love. Our relationship gave me the strength to live my best life. I feel I'm now back to square one. I have significant anxiety and feel very scared.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@LeiaMadras, 

It sounds to me as if this is something that HE needs to face and work on. I'm not saying it's a reasonable excuse, but rather, it sounds to me as if he has hit some sort of "mid-life crisis" for lack of a better term. 

For roughly a decade, you and he have been going along well...did everything together...had great adventures. And yet he has begun turning to others for his recreational companionship, turning to an exGF for emotional support (or affection), turning to exGF for at least some sexuality (because she was pregnant...), turning to casual hookups sites, turning to "friends" who don't supprt the marriage, and turning to crocheting/knitting rather than doing household chores! Now if you put all that together, it might seem kind of obvious: he's fallen in with some people who are not good for him, he's not giving you 100% of his affection and loyalty and companionship, and now he is unfaithful emotionally and sexually. 

The thing is, this likely has little or nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM. Something inside him needs to be faced or addressed, and really he will need to be the one to admit (to himself and to others) what he has done and is afraid of, and he will need to be the one to have a desire to change and grow. You can't do it for him. 

What you CAN do is to look at yourself and be honest with yourself. I have no doubt you were not perfect--none of us are--so yeah look at the woman in the mirror and face the things about yourself that you need to face. Work on your own self and grow if that's what you choose to do. But let him be. Let him do what he's going to do and choose what he's going to choose. The important part though: ALLOW HIM TO EXPERIENCE THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF HIS CHOICES. 

As an example, for today he has chosen to live with his father and not speak to you. Okay. He can make that decision for his own life, but YOU also get to choose what you will and will not allow in YOUR life...that's called boundaries. You aren't telling him what he should do. Nope--he can make that decision on his own! But you equally also got to choose what YOU should do. You can align that decision with what you truly believe in your heart of hearts. Part of the reason you feel so sick now is that part of you knows (in your innermost heart) that you don't believe in allowing yourself to be treated like this...and yet you are acting in a way that is not congruent with your own beliefs and letting yourself be treated poorly so you can get some crumbs of love. 

So if he decides to live elsewhere and not speak to you...okay. Decide for your own self if you want a "loved one" in your life who will punish you with the silent treatment. No? Well then the natural consequence is that you don't allow him into your life. If he wants back into your life, you let him prove to you that he has gone to counseling, learned how to handle his anger in a healthy way, and let him demonstrate it to you a couple times. Until then, YOU make the decision of when (and IF) you will allow contact. 

Make sense? 

If you stop acting in a way that is consistent with what you believe in your heart, then you'll feel better. Love yourself more than accepting crumbs. Treat yourself with dignity.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to rid yourself of this disgusting, worthless man. How things used to be in the past is of no significance in the face of currently reality. You cannot cling to the used to be, you need to focus on the NOW, and the now facts are that he is a cheating low life who doesnt deserve to be in the same room with you. Please have more respect for yourself and get away from him for good.


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## LeiaMadras (Feb 14, 2020)

A number of my friends have also postulated that he is having some kind of midlife crisis. And of course I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. One of the criticisms he levels at me is that I am “controlling”. But as the Relate councillor pointed out, he takes zero responsibility for anything so someone has to, and I was sucked by default into that vacuum. And I won’t lie, I am good at organising and keeping finances under control. I don’t drop many balls.
Sometimes letting him deal with things has repercussions for me, as in with the broken hoover above. Today I came home from work to find that last week he parked his car and didn’t pay. So he has a fine. I am livid but I have paid it because if I leave it to him, it will double the cost. From what I can see he is leeching off his Dad as no money is being spent from any bank accounts/credit cards. I broke text silence to tell him about the fine and his response was that he didn’t remember (a regular one if he has been caught out).
He says I have no friends. What I do have is many friends who all have jobs and families and responsibilities that they prioritise. In the last fortnight they have rallied round and kept me busy. I know I am lucky. I know I don’t deserve what he’s done to me. The cats miss him. His bonded cat REALLY misses him. I’m very sad that he hasn’t made the effort to come home and play with her when I’m at work.
Part of my reason for posting here was to get independent opinions like those of Affaircare, I guess to try to affirm what I already know in my gut. What I really want is my kind caring loving husband back. Currently he does not exist.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LeiaMadras said:


> A number of my friends have also postulated that he is having some kind of midlife crisis. And of course I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. One of the criticisms he levels at me is that I am “controlling”. But as the Relate councillor pointed out, he takes zero responsibility for anything so someone has to, and I was sucked by default into that vacuum. And I won’t lie, I am good at organising and keeping finances under control. I don’t drop many balls.
> Sometimes letting him deal with things has repercussions for me, as in with the broken hoover above. Today I came home from work to find that last week he parked his car and didn’t pay. So he has a fine. I am livid but I have paid it because if I leave it to him, it will double the cost. From what I can see he is leeching off his Dad as no money is being spent from any bank accounts/credit cards. I broke text silence to tell him about the fine and his response was that he didn’t remember (a regular one if he has been caught out).
> He says I have no friends. What I do have is many friends who all have jobs and families and responsibilities that they prioritise. In the last fortnight they have rallied round and kept me busy. I know I am lucky. I know I don’t deserve what he’s done to me. The cats miss him. His bonded cat REALLY misses him. I’m very sad that he hasn’t made the effort to come home and play with her when I’m at work.
> Part of my reason for posting here was to get independent opinions like those of Affaircare, I guess to try to affirm what I already know in my gut. What I really want is my kind caring loving husband back. Currently he does not exist.


I think this sound much more realistic than some of the other things you have posted... 

I am sorry you are going through this in any case. 

You are going to need to work out how to be strong on your own for now. And guess what the cats will be fine. 

I like you am mid 50's and while I feel like a young buck in many ways, I will not waste time in a bad marriage or relationship...

You may never understand why he has done these things, some of us never do. What you should work on understand is that you did not deserve any of this, you sound like a great person, and you deserve to be happy.

Also, I am not sure if you H was really a loving or caring person that you think he was, but... He is not that now. 

Take care of yourself first and move on...


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Gaslighting.
File for legal separation and remove yourself from financial obligations and force him to grow up.
If that does not work, divorce him. You are his wife, not his mother, and he needs to learn how to wipe his own derrière. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LeiaMadras said:


> Although the original post does not reflect this, until 13th July 2018 our marriage was fantastic. We were soul mates, did everything together and had the best adventures.


The problem is, he was a project for you. Of course you got along. You replaced his mother. As long as you were willing to accept all his foibles, look past his cheating and anger and selfishness, you guys had a great relationship. Once you started taking better care of yourself, expecting more, he called you on it. You were no longer playing the role you set up when you got together. 

You have a question to ask yourself: Are you willing to accept being his ... everything just to keep a relationship going? Or are you now ready to expect more for yourself and be willing to leave and look elsewhere for it? (Hint: I don't recommend leaving him and just going looking for another guy; you need time alone to learn to just be ok alone again.)


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

No advice needed. He’s left. Good riddance. 

I know that is easier said than done. I certainly struggled with when I was in a similar situation. But the man he is now is not the man with whom you had a happy marriage. That man is gone. And the sad truth, he can never come back. It’s time to accept what is and then let yourself grieve what was. 

There are so many deal breakers: He’s cheating, he’s withholding sex, he’s financially irresponsible, he gaslights you, and he doesn’t have your back. 

And for my own experience, even through the awful grief of losing someone you love like this, you will actually find the quality of your life going up once you stop trying to fix him. It makes the grief bearable.


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