# What the crap is this?



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

So my H had an affair and shows no remorse and blames me for his A (short version of everything ). He is decent to me but won't touch me, says we need to get along better first (by dating etc) but won't plan dates. I have basically decided that divorce is my only option but I have to wait right now. Anyway, my birthday was recently and he planned a surprise outing for me to the nicest spa around with a girlfriend. We went to lunch, pool/spa, facials and massages. It's not cheap and he has never done anything like that before. I asked him what the reason behind it was when I got home and he said it was for me to get away from all the stresses that are my life right now. I know he still talks to her at work, for work and honestly believe they discuss more but he won't admit that. So, what did this mean? Why now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ImperfectMomma said:


> So my H had an affair and shows no remorse and blames me for his A (short version of everything ). He is decent to me but won't touch me, says we need to get along better first (by dating etc) but won't plan dates. I have basically decided that divorce is my only option but I have to wait right now. Anyway, my birthday was recently and he planned a surprise outing for me to the nicest spa around with a girlfriend. We went to lunch, pool/spa, facials and massages. It's not cheap and he has never done anything like that before. I asked him what the reason behind it was when I got home and he said it was for me to get away from all the stresses that are my life right now. I know he still talks to her at work, for work and honestly believe they discuss more but he won't admit that. So, what did this mean? Why now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Possibly a guilt gift.


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I agree....is there more to your story concerning the infidelity? Sounds like some rug sweeping from the short description.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

More to the story (and I've come to realize that this sounds crazy but believe me, unfortunately, it's true) my dad died a little less than 2 months ago, my mom is on her deathbed (both 54 and divorced from each other for many years), my sister is homeless and I am currently raising her 3 boys in addition to my own 3. These are the stresses he's talking about. So on one hand, I can see that being true but on the other hand, he is not taking ownership of any of this affair or the last one, thinks he can do no wrong but I can (his complaints against me were that the house wasn't basically organized enough, didn't like the way I paid bills, etc). I've told him my conditions to fix things and he just isn't interested but doesn't seem to want to divorce either. He's never really had consequences so I think that he may think if he sticks around, I'll just relent. He works with this 21 yr old (he's 37) and has to talk to her every night. His phone records are clean except data (I think he's using text free but he's always denied it even though it's on his phone), I'm not allowed to touch the phone without him throwing a fit. I think he may meet up with her right after work. I think that may help! Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sounds to me like you need more help in the household. Raising 6 boys under less than perfect circumstances........I can understand fully the stress that it can cause you and then him, possibly coming home to a chaotic environment after an already stressful day at work.

I'm not absolving him for his choice, but I believe as it seems others do on this message board, if you want to keep your marriage together, try to figure out what's missing from your marriage that would make your partner want to stray.

Is there anyway you can get the kids to show your husband more consideration when he gets home?

Hope that you can find something that works for you.


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I didn't do a very good job explaining I believe. The nephews only moved in a month ago. His A was started back in march or so and I caught him with a VAR in my truck in the same week that both my parents were in different hospitals and my dad subsequently passed away. We started MC before the A even started because I knew we needed help and he sat there and lied his ass off over and over to both of us about there being anyone else. We haven't been back. He won't do NC, MC, look for a new job, none of it. He works nightshift and owns his own business so most of the time he never sees any of the kids (we have 2 girls and 1 boy) until the weekend and he's been making sure to be gone then too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

The gift was guilt gift, or maybe a "last-minute-what-do-i-get-her-a-spa-it-is-expensive-but-what-the-heck" gift.

Serve him with papers, either to get out or to snap him out of his fantasy-double life.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I hope you can manage to get out of there ASAP, you and your children deserve so much better then this man.

He gave you that present out of guilt. Right when you needed him most he abandoned you by having an A. Pathetic.

Best of luck.


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Littledeer, you're right, he did abandon me when I needed him most. I preplanned my moms funeral ao I wouldn't have to do it later (I was also going with her to pick out headstones and draw up her will, fun stuff) and I had texted him and said that I felt like my best friend was gone when I needed him most. He lied and said he was here for me. Found out later he was having an A but even then I knew something was wrong. Ticks me off rhat the one person I am supposed to be able to count on is causing me so much pain in such a terrible time. I mean, who loses both parents like this and raises others kids and has their spouse leave them during it all? He sucks big time. I am handling it all really well bc I don't doubt God. I know He has a plan for me and much better things will come. I have decided to go get a tatoo to remind me of this. 4 footprints (the loss of a good friend, grandpa last year, dad and soon mom) with the words "God has a plan" amoung them. He hates tatoos except apparently on 21 yr olds and it's something I want for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

It does not sound to me like the affair is over. Knowing that you would be at the spa, I think that he may have sent you to the spa so that he could chat with the other women (OW) or meet up with her.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> I agree....is there more to your story concerning the infidelity? Sounds like some rug sweeping from the short description.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts exactly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

He is probably Cake eating


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

If he is working with her then it at the very least an EA and is continuing . It is a guilt gift.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He' cake eating no doubt. He also "knows" you will never force him with divorce becuase you are in a awful position with so many children to raise. He feels so entitled he believes he's superman. He has exactly what he wants, he's in cake eater's heaven.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP, find out where you stands. If you can hit him hard with divorce papers, find a way to kick him out and get all financial support you can get, go hard *180*, black hole dark on him. Expose him to family, friends, every one who's opinion he might respect. Shine light into darkness. Let him believe you are moving on because it truth. He's pathetic.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I hate to say it, but it looks very, very like the affair is still going on. If it isn't physical again it will be soon. My view is that he gave you the spa gift to get you out of the way whilst he got up to his deeds.

Sorry to sound harsh, but it stinks to high heaven.

I hope you can work this out and you sound like an angel. To bring your sister's children into your home is what it's all about and the world is a better place for you being in it.

Forgive me for being blunt, but I wonder if you could say the same of your husband.


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Looks like he is still cheating... and the gift was a wife-is-at-the-spa-all-day-I-am-going-to-screw-my-girlfriend gift.


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Actually, he had the kids while I was gone so I know he was at least honest during that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

