# Mans opinion please



## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Please read my post in the general section first:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2360-so-scared.html

My man has an extremely close relationship with his mother (whom I never met) and he told her we are not together anymore. She advised him to just let our relationship go. He says that he has to listen to her and stay away from me. 

What I don't understand is he claims he told her the truth. We had an argument, he lost control, started saying hurtful things and I was upset. So, why am I the one that loses?

I asked him to go to counseling and he's said NO. I don't want an anger problem to destroy us. My questions to you guys are:

Why would he call me names when says he loves me?
Why would he leave Europe ONLY to apologize then dump ME?
Is there hope?
Will counseling help?
Any other advise?

Please help me, i'm so desperate. I love him too much to let it go without giving it one last attempt.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

His actions speak the truth!


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## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Thank you for replying, but I don't really understand what you mean. Could you please explain?

He tells me he loves me but, things are screwed up beyond repair (in his opinion). The only reason he thinks it won't work is because of the fights get so ugly and we keep hurting each other to the point were neither of us sleeps or eats. He doesn't want us to have an unhealthy relationship. 

He has not stopped apologizing to me since he came back on friday. The thing that bothers me is he keeps saying we cannot be together, but, keeps talking to me and telling me how much I mean to him. This is all so confusing.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

its not very serius, he just have a hot temper and goes off , thats a way to release pressure inside. SOme drink instead or develop stomach cancer or simply cheat on oyu or go fishing with their pals and oyu seee htem less and less.
He goes off.
but he regrets it.
its not so bad.
i think he dont like councelign cause he dodesnt want to involve peole in it..
just tallk to gether about it calmly and please stop going off on him too or this will never eb resolved!
you ahve to talk things through cause he loves you and you him and to make a plan on what you cna do when soemhting is bad. I htink htat oyu too oyu provocate his anger so try to make a deal not to go to name callings and have soemthign like a red flag or an alarm or soemthing oyu put on if he begin the name calling
it will work.
about his mom i ´ddidnt understood wha toyu ment.. mmaybe you should ask him for soem more details. Where does she live and what country is he from?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

How old is this guy ? 2?  Sounds like a mama's boy to me. I have to say..my mom and dad let me choose who I wanted to be with. In some cases (people I dated), I think they might have made a better choice, if they picked the person for me, but you never know..could have been worse. Your man needs to let go of mama's apron strings. If you are a decent person, which I am sure you are,and treat her son well, than mama needs to find something better to do with her time, than to make trouble for the both of you. How about a nice game of bingo, mama? :rofl:


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

Another good idea will be to talk to his mum and go visit her. Youa re fiance so it sounds akward, ot say the least, that you dont have yet seen his mum and family, specialy when he has such a close relationship to her.
Is he italian? Many italian men are so close to their mum htat they live their till they are close to their 40 or soemtimes more.. 
You have to solve that together but for me to see thats the name calling that is the main issue and anger thing.. you seems to also have that problem too.
You need to found out how ot resoe itAs long as he dont acknowledge having an anger issue he wil refuse counseling.
You can also get some selfhelp books about communication and healthy one and have him reading them too.. together..
it ill also help
you are both very oyung and he is only overdramatising things.
He imagine the worse and thats themain problem here too.
His fears control him or he wont have fly back the same evening ot say sorry.
tahts extreme to ahve done that. beauitifull too but it show how much he fears to lose you and fears its already the case,.
Help him ot manage his fears and keep them under control, and the rest will go smoothly.
He needs therapy not just counseling.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Why would he call me names when says he loves me?

Because.. seems to me .. mama controls her little man.

Why would he leave Europe ONLY to apologize then dump ME?

Again, he is sorry, but he listens to his mama too much. 

Is there hope?

If he starts putting his foot down..maybe there is. 

Will counseling help?

Yes, if mama doesn't stand in the way.

Any other advise?

If he can't stand on his own two feet without his mama always calling the shots, find a man that doesn't cling to his mama's apron strings, hun.

It is ok to love, honor, and respect his parents (he should), dear heart, but they shouldn't control every single move he makes. 

I'm sure, if the shoe were on the other foot, they wouldn't like it.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

dear heart hurts


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## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Sweet love said:


> its not very serius, he just have a hot temper and goes off , thats a way to release pressure inside. SOme drink instead or develop stomach cancer or simply cheat on oyu or go fishing with their pals and oyu seee htem less and less.
> He goes off.
> but he regrets it.
> its not so bad.
> ...


Actually, I followed some advice I read here and bought the 5 languages of love. I already finished it and tried using his primary love language and got a very positive response. You are right, I do provoke his anger but, at the same time he needs to learn self control. For now, I will work on myself and i'm sure he will follow suit. If not, then ....



Honey said:


> How old is this guy ? 2?  Sounds like a mama's boy to me. I have to say..my mom and dad let me choose who I wanted to be with. In some cases (people I dated), I think they might have made a better choice, if they picked the person for me, but you never know..could have been worse. Your man needs to let go of mama's apron strings. If you are a decent person, which I am sure you are,and treat her son well, than mama needs to find something better to do with her time, than to make trouble for the both of you. How about a nice game of bingo, mama? :rofl:


He is VERY much a momma's boy and spoiled rotten too. He gets whatever he wants. I think this is why he has such temper tantrums. He comes from a wealthy, old fashioned, tight knit family. He fears what they will think of him too much. I'm always telling him, "They are your family, they will always love you. You have to live you own life." I just don't get it. 

My family is also close but, we are more relaxed. I tell my mom everything but, when she responds to my issue, it's not in a "this is what you should do" way, it's a, "what do you think you should do?". To me this is normal.


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## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Sweet love said:


> Another good idea will be to talk to his mum and go visit her. Youa re fiance so it sounds akward, ot say the least, that you dont have yet seen his mum and family, specialy when he has such a close relationship to her.
> Is he italian? Many italian men are so close to their mum htat they live their till they are close to their 40 or soemtimes more..
> You have to solve that together but for me to see thats the name calling that is the main issue and anger thing.. you seems to also have that problem too.
> You need to found out how ot resoe itAs long as he dont acknowledge having an anger issue he wil refuse counseling.
> ...


Thank you for your advise. He is 3 yrs younger than me and I don't know if that's part of the problem. Actually, he does and lives at home (how did you know that?:scratchhead. Until recently, he wasn't planning on leaving until he gets married. Honestly I think he's very spoiled and needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't think there's any need for insults and yelling but, now my focus is , "What's next?" For now though I am doing my part and hopefully he follows my lead.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Actually, I followed some advice I read here and bought the 5 languages of love. I already finished it and tried using his primary love language and got a very positive response. You are right, I do provoke his anger but, at the same time he needs to learn self control. For now, I will work on myself and i'm sure he will follow suit. If not, then ....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have a close family too, and same here, hun. My father would take his shirt of his back for me, if I need him to, and my mom will be here in a heartbeat for me, but never did they try to control me. I love them both so much for that.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Thank you for your advise. He is 3 yrs younger than me and I don't know if that's part of the problem. Actually, he does and lives at home (how did you know that?:scratchhead. Until recently, he wasn't planning on leaving until he gets married. Honestly I think he's very spoiled and needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't think there's any need for insults and yelling but, now my focus is , "What's next?" For now though I am doing my part and hopefully he follows my lead.


Hmm.. how old his this guy? Doesn't matter really. If the guy has it so good, spoiled and all is done for him, he may still be living at home in his 50 and 60's too. The guy doesn't have to worry about a thing, hun.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Thank you for your advise. He is 3 yrs younger than me and I don't know if that's part of the problem. Actually, he does and lives at home (how did you know that?:scratchhead. Until recently, he wasn't planning on leaving until he gets married. Honestly I think he's very spoiled and needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't think there's any need for insults and yelling but, now my focus is , "What's next?" For now though I am doing my part and hopefully he follows my lead.


you said that he was in europe visiting his family could oyu please tel me what country we are talkign about?
it might be of greate ehlp to understadn his behaviour.

On the other hand if he was spoil rotten its not a good idfea to have him as a husband. As kids he must have yied always to get what he wanted and make his parents miserable. and contrl them.
and now he still didnt chnaged and is used to have an easy life with no chalenge at all. If he was to fall form it like th eefamily losign its fortune and such how do you think he will cope with it?
mayeb he will be totaly impossible to be with.
Does he have a real job?
you dont want to marry a guy that wont be able to be there to take care of the childrens.
and of you.
you have to talk those issues through with him and it is him who needs to read those communications books not just you.
Do htings together, that always help.
he dont look like a good parti to me.
rich and spoiled that sucks.
He is younger than oyu.. hmm.. looks like he was looking for another mummy.. not so good.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Honey said:


> How old is this guy ? 2?  Sounds like a mama's boy to me. I have to say..my mom and dad let me choose who I wanted to be with. In some cases (people I dated), I think they might have made a better choice, if they picked the person for me, but you never know..could have been worse. Your man needs to let go of mama's apron strings. If you are a decent person, which I am sure you are,and treat her son well, than mama needs to find something better to do with her time, than to make trouble for the both of you. How about a nice game of bingo, mama? :rofl:



no doubt. his momma is going to make your life a living hell


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