# Husband "I don't know what I want" phase



## Susano (May 11, 2012)

Me and my husband are both fairly young in our mid 20's, we have been married for about 2 years. We met in the military and when we got out we stayed at his mothers for about a year. While we were living at his families the relationship got very strained, he felt very smothered by being around his family 24/7 and that some how started to affect his feelings for me. He then came clean and told me this confusing speech of "I love you, but I don't know if i love you as much as I used too." I asked him, "Well do you just love me as a friend?" he said no. I said "Well what is it then?" He says "I don't know" I said "Do you want a divorce?" "He says "No" I say well what do you want? he answers with the big climax "I don't know." What frustrated me is that it seems like he can't give me an answer to what he wants and what is wrong so that I can fix it. 

Recently he has told me that I don't seem to be as happy as i used to be. I don't really know what he means by this because to me I am the same as i was when we first met, of course we have more responsibilities now but i am not miserable. I don't know exactly how "happy" he is wanting me to appear. 

Our sex life has diminished a lot and I am starting to suspect that this may be the root of the problem. It was hard for us to have a sex life at his parents house and now that we are living on our own it is like we fell out of the routine of it. He has also been receiving ALOT of attention from girls at his work that seem to thrive on going after married men for their own ego trips. I know he hasn't cheated on me but he hints that i don't give him enough attention. I am just confused as to exactly what he wants, there seems to be so many things... 

Any advice?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Susano said:


> Me and my husband are both fairly young in our mid 20's, we have been married for about 2 years. We met in the military and when we got out we stayed at his mothers for about a year. While we were living at his families the relationship got very strained, he felt very smothered by being around his family 24/7 and that some how started to affect his feelings for me. He then came clean and told me this confusing speech of "I love you, but *I don't know if i love you as much as I used too."* I asked him, "Well do you just love me as a friend?" he said no. I said "Well what is it then?" He says "I don't know" I said "Do you want a divorce?" "He says "No" I say well what do you want? he answers with the big climax "I don't know." What frustrated me is that it seems like he can't give me an answer to what he wants and what is wrong so that I can fix it.
> 
> Recently he has told me that I don't seem to be as happy as i used to be. I don't really know what he means by this because to me I am the same as i was when we first met, of course we have more responsibilities now but i am not miserable. I don't know exactly how "happy" he is wanting me to appear.
> 
> ...


Wow... that's sorta a huge RED FLAG to me.

Is he even trying for sex? Are you inititiating at all? I suspect, and i'm going off the top of my head, us guys can be weird like this. Sometimes, when the bedroom activities diminish, we think its your fault, we start to withdraw emotionally. It causes us to say insensitive things like this. I'm confident he still loves you, its could be that, he feels you don't care for him as much as you used to, thus you are witholding sex.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Problems inside the bedroom usually start outside the bedroom 1st.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I would recommend doing what my wife and I did to start repairing our marriage. We both sat down individually and wrote down everything we saw as a problem in the marriage. In detail everything that we thought came between us as a couple.

We then took turns reading each other's lists together. The rules were: don't be defensive and try and see things from the other's perspective.

We then came up with some practical steps we were going to take to improve the marriage, both individually and together.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"he hints that i don't give him enough attention. I am just confused as to exactly what he wants"

Uhhh...ATTENTION?


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## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

How do you know that he is getting that kind of attention at work? If he is telling you, he is screaming for that kind of attention from you. If his heart has already moved out, he is not expecting fulfillment from you anymore, but from another source. That's where the "ILYBINILWY" speech comes in. That is not the end. And it doesn't always mean he is having an affair (physically, anyhow, perhaps emotionally.) 

You can bring his attention back in a gazillion small ways. Sweet little notes. Taking him out. Little gifts or tiny chocolates. Lots of smiles and sincere compliments. He may only see your worried expression as disapproval of his abilities to take care of you. You need to make sure, on your part, that he can't possibly get those confused. Let him know you believe in him and still think he is a stud. If you are a praying people, pray together and let him hear you pray for him. Be his greatest cheerleader.

Good luck!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

You both need to get out together and do stuff as a couple. Like you did when you first meet. Movies, dinner, etc.


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