# Guys- do you get "excited" every time?



## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

So...before we got married (3 years ago) my husband had to take Viagra to get it going? Said it was for anxiety issues. Ok I get that. But for the last few years he hasn't has to take it, so I figured things were ok. Sometimes, he can't get it up now, and I feel like its me. Like he isn't attracted to me. He says that's not the case at all, sometimes, its the kids being in the other room, or stress. But as a women, I think its me. Or maybe something "else" is going on. I have access to is accounts and phone so I am pretty sure he isn't having an affair. My last post as about worrying if he was gay...so hmmmm. My mind is wondering.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Need more input:

Both of your ages
Past personal and relational histories
Health issues, suspected or confirmed

Why do you think it is mental and not physical? What does your gut tell you?

There are a whole host of reasons for ED.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're always you. Sometimes he needs Viagra but mostly, he doesn't. It's not you. If anything, you are what helps him not need it. He used to take it when you two were dating and, presumably, he was at his most "excited" state with you. You got him where he needed to be without it. He's either got a little ED or maybe he's just anxious or worrying about something.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Does he guard his phone?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

I am 43, he is 40. He has a past of women cheating on him, so I have a feeling that's why he had to be on it to begin with before I met him. A few of his ex's (his ex wife and ex girlfriend) had told me they thought he was "confused" about his sexuality. I just blew them off. I really don't have suspicions of his cheating, but I am worried he is no longer attracted to me. I think I am attractive. I have men hitting on me still He has been to the doctor and no health issues.


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

No doesn't guard his phone, leaves it out for me to look at, but he could easily delete stuff to.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
ED is pretty common and pretty unpredictable. It doesn't have that much to do with the amount of attraction, but stress can be a big problem. 

I think the best bet is to let him use viagra or not as he wishes. If in any particular session he isn't hard, he can please you in other ways. 

Don't view ED as a sign that there is some other problem. There is no reason to think it is, and if he finds out he will just become more stressed and have more ED.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

happynconfused said:


> He has been to the doctor and no health issues.


Was blood work done to check testosterone levels? I assume by no health issues you mean that his blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, and overall fitness are good?

If T levels are mid-range, then it may be stress or other psychological factors.


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

Blood work was done, it was normal. What boggles me is that after it was taking awhile and I knew the kids were outside the door and maybe that was his issue, I went into oral on him and got him off quick. So I am not sure what I "real" problem was.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its not you....don't even let that thought slip into your mind.
he has a history of mild ED.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

happynconfused said:


> Blood work was done, it was normal. What boggles me is that after it was taking awhile and I knew the kids were outside the door and maybe that was his issue, I went into oral on him and got him off quick. So I am not sure what I "real" problem was.


What was his T level - free and total? Normal is a relative term and still could be "low" but "normal" according to insurance guidelines. The normal range is VERY large. My T is normal, but low so I am working to increase it through natural means. 

I doubt low T though is his problem. 

As a guy who has had some similar - cough, cough - problem, trust me, it is all him. Once that performance anxiety starts it is a b**** to get under control. He knows he has a problem and the more he worries the worse it gets. And he knows that YOU are worried that YOU think it is YOU. And that is making it worse for him. 

YOU can help him by stop thinking that the problem is you. It's not.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Yes, I get excited every time. But then again, I like women.



happynconfused said:


> I thought he was gay for awhile there, before we got married he sent a half naked picture of himself to his gay friends. Said it was for girls at a party...yea right. Then we were all drunk one night and his gay friends said "put your balls away, we have already seen them". hmmm.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

happynconfused said:


> A few of his ex's (his ex wife and ex girlfriend) had told me they thought he was "confused" about his sexuality.


Interesting. All three of you felt this way.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> he has a history of mild ED.


And a history of not-so-mild attraction to members of the same sex.

OK. I think I've made my point.

Gay friends...classic!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ok, after reading more he is gay or bi. I would think a true bi would be able to get excited (unless anxiety) so he might be closer to gay.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

3 years married if no kids I would start thinking if you want to deal with this crap for the long haul. most likely it will get worse over time.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Once that performance anxiety starts it is a b**** to get under control. He knows he has a problem and the more he worries the worse it gets. And he knows that YOU are worried that YOU think it is YOU. And that is making it worse for him.
> 
> YOU can help him by stop thinking that the problem is you. It's not.


No doubt.

If you even start placing blame on him by saying he's no longer attracted to you - holy smokes does that make it even more difficult to rise to the occasion.

If he has mild to moderate ED and he's willing to take viagra to help, you got to get that notion of it being you out of your head.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I don't have any issue. I can get excited ASAP. But if I'm stressed its just not gonna be great sex. 

Try something different. How about sexing him up for hours in advance. It's easy thru text. Be down right xxx rated. Guys love it. Send dirty photos. Trust me. By the time he gets home he will be ready.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happynconfused said:


> So...before we got married (3 years ago) my husband had to take Viagra to get it going? Said it was for anxiety issues. Ok I get that. But for the last few years he hasn't has to take it, so I figured things were ok. Sometimes, he can't get it up now, and I feel like its me. Like he isn't attracted to me. He says that's not the case at all, sometimes, its the kids being in the other room, or stress. But as a women, I think its me. Or maybe something "else" is going on. I have access to is accounts and phone so I am pretty sure he isn't having an affair. My last post as about worrying if he was gay...so hmmmm. My mind is wondering.


Stop that.

It's likely not you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Guys- do you get &quot;excited&quot; every time?*

It's not you. Mans ability to have an erection can be complicated and us girls always think it's us. It's not. It's him. Period.


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

Oh boy. I hope he isn't gay. Why would he marry me then?


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

You were able to get him off easily with oral. I presume he was quite hard during that event. Does he prefer PIV or anal with you?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Honestly, I got excited just by reading the thread title


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

NO, no anal or anything. I have brought up maybe toys or something and he said no, we don't need it. I think we do


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Do not fear. I am the same way. I have suffered from anxiety for most of my adult life since I got back from Vietnam. I have 150 generic Viagra pills onhand. I can get erect with or without them, but many times I get performance anxiety, so I need the Viagra. Even that does not work all the time so I take a Xanax too. I rather not take anything but my wife is like you. She needs my erection to validate her attractiveness to me. She also thinks Viagra causes my erections, not her stimulation. I can't win. 

My solution was to get my wife interested in a Teasing and Denial fetish. We still have sex but only she gets to orgasm most times. She teases me over and over again but denies me an orgasm for whatever period of time she wants. This serves two things. I no longer stress out about getting erect because it is not required for sex. My wife will either have me perform oral on her or use her vibrator. When she sees that I am very erect and ready, she will let me have an orgasm. That can be weeks or a couple of months. She knows when it is time.

This has worked out great for us. It took my wife a long time to not feel guilty about not giving me an orgasm but she finally got over that and prefers we without an orgasm because I am her horny little husband willing to do anything to please her, now. We went a step further in that I wear a custom chastity device to prevent me from masturbating. Right now it has been 5 weeks since my last orgasm and I think I will have one this weekend since it is Easter and she usually waits fro a holiday to let me orgasm. You do not have to take it that far but try to have sex that is focused on your orgasm, not his. Tease him. Edge him, which is playing with him until he is close to orgasm and then stopping. Repeat several times and then you have you orgasm and call it a night. He will be left sexually frustrated but will not be stressed out or feel emasculated because he could not get erect. I know that feeling but it was not a problem until I turned 60. I always had the anxiety but it was never a problem unless I was having sex with someone I just met. 

Chasity play has gone mainstream. Google it but ignore all the BDSM stuff. Chastity can be part of a larger fetish but also can stand on its own. Most of the stuff you read is masturbation fodder. Chastity is like Tantric sex where the male prevents his orgasms and gets his pleasure though is wife's orgasms. Then he finally has his orgasm which is very intense. I enjoy the anticipation of an orgasm more than I do the 10 seconds of the actual orgasm. I like feeling sexually aroused every day. It energizes me and makes me feel like a teenager wondering if he will get some that weekend. If nothing more, you may learn that you are still attractive and that your husband's erection is not a sign of anything. Men can get erect from anyone who stimulates him. Men will have sex with anyone who is a sure thing so do not think his erection is a measure of anything. The more you pressure him about it, the harder it becomes. Pardon the pun.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

happynconfused said:


> NO, no anal or anything. I have brought up maybe toys or something and he said no, we don't need it. I think we do


When he has issues, have you tried getting him hard with your great oral skills first and then guiding him in?

This works wonders for me on those rare occasions when I'm not instantly at attention.


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

I have tried that, but it prefers to get himself hard while giving me oral, which I cannot enjoy because I feel like he has to do it himself and I cannot get him hard, so I do not enjoy what he is doing to me.


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## happynconfused (Feb 28, 2013)

UPDATE: Cause I now you want to know It happened again. This time it was blamed on the dog. (barking) I feel so bad. He felt so bad, angry at the dog (even though it really wasn't the issue). I went into the bathroom and cried, thinking its me again. I have lost weight the past few years which decreased my breast size a lot, but I still have some! lol That's the only thing that crosses my mind. It was hard not to have an attitude after that. Which made it harder for him, but I just don't get what the issue is. I had to get him off orally again (within a minute). Any ideas????? Is it me? I don't think he is under stress. Not medical. Not an affair. I don't get it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get him checked out by a doctor.

As for me, even if my wife touches my ankle I get excited. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

No problems here. I'm on testosterone replacement therapy and I pretty much get horny when the wind blows. But yes, there are things that can cause a man to have issues, and 95% of those have nothing to do with his partner. 

When I was on Zoloft, I had some serious sexual side effects so I dropped it. Stress and depression can cause issues as well. Diabetes and heart issues can also have an effect. 

I seriously doubt that the issue is you.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Happynconfused, it is NOT YOU. It could be a number of things that are causing his ED, but you are not the reason. There have been mention of the most common causes already, but the red flag for me is what you and the other women have said about his being "'confused' about his sexuality". Does he use a computer? Have you looked at his web history? Is he effeminate? Does he have gay friends? Is he able to talk about sex at all? Have you tried to talk to him about it?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> ... Right now it has been 5 weeks since my last orgasm and I think I will have one this weekend since it is Easter...


Just as Jesus intended!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bam-bam (Sep 24, 2015)

hmmm.... well, I never have troubles in that department, but we're all different.

I apologize in advance if any of this has been mentioned already. I didn't read all the posts...

As a guy that tolerated way too much sexual frustration way too long in his marriage, my main advice is to start addressing this with him now. Like ASAP. Don't procrastinate. Time flies.

I totally get what you are dealing with in regards to the feeling of self blame. I do it as well in my situation. It's good to consider things that may be about you that contribute, but please don't beat yourself up.

If you are looking to improve your appeal to him though, here's my stance on attractiveness. The way you look is a very small fraction of your appeal. The way you act or treat him will get you MUCH more mileage in the attractiveness category than any treadmill could provide. That's just my personal experience with my wife and other women as well. There's so much body shaming and pressure in our society and all of it is a bunch of BS. I find all shapes and forms of women attractive and I believe most men feel the same way. The draw isn't based on the way they look, but more about their personality. Don't take that word "personality" to mean that you have to be someone you aren't either. He was obviously attracted to you before by just being who you are. So be yourself, of course. The things I'm referring to are basically how you treat him and how your relationship is outside of the bedroom. Is he dealing with any kind of resentments? Does he feel nagged? Does he feel any kind of other annoyances that may be turning him off? Does he feel kind of restrained or on a leash? Only he would know that, so it's worth asking him.

As for the homosexuality thing? I personally am mind boggled as to how people can pull this off. You know, getting into a heterosexual marriage but being homosexual. I mean, I get if he is bi, but even then, part of being bi is being attracted to females. He must have had a genuine attraction to you in some way shape or form, right? Am I wrong? Maybe I am wrong, so please correct me if I'm way off. I don't have much knowledge in this regard. I'm just thinking out loud I suppose. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard of it happening though. So, don't get me wrong. I'm not dismissing the possibility. Not one bit. It could very much be a possiblity. I just can't help but shake my head when I imagine that people are able to pull this off. At any rate, if he is gay, then I'm not really sure how you would get to the bottom of it. If he is gay, then he's probably in major denial by going as far as marrying a woman. Either that or he's extremely dishonest by going into a heterosexual marriage as a man that is in the closet. ...or he knows he's gay and he feels ashamed of it or like he's not allowed to simply be gay? At any rate, any one of those situations sound like such a mess to me. I can't imagine being able to get an honest answer out of him in any of those situations. I guess, my point is, if he's so willing to cover up or deny homosexuality as to marry a woman, then how can you trust he would just say "ok, you got me, I'm gay.". It just seems like a really rough situation to be able to uncover. Plus, with sex, there are so many smokescreens at people's disposal. It's so easy to find reasons you can't perform and put your partner on some wild goose chase when there's a hidden underlying problem that is the real cause of the difficulty but is just too embarassing or painful for them to face or admit to.

Another thought. Does he suffer from premature ejaculation? I have read that this sometimes goes hand in hand with ED. Apparently, if someone is regularly finishing early and leaving their missus unsatisfied, the whole event of love making feels like a big anxiety provoking situation. That sometimes brings forth performance anxiety problems such as getting an erection. This is especially true in situations where their partner was not very compassionate about him finishing quick. If he's rather quick, it may be worthwhile to bring it up and ask if he ever feels inadequate because of it. It may be as simple as reassuring him and making it safe for him to just relax and not treat it as some sort of test of his ability to please you. I'm not implying that you are creating that sort of vibe. The vibe may completely and utterly within himself. He may be carrying an unspoken expectation by societies rules or even dealing with hurts from past relationships. He may not even be quick in comparison to most men but feel like he's subpar because he has an unrealistic expectation of himself. I guess in short, no matter what the reason, could it just be that he is feeling a bit unsure of his ability to please you? If that's the case, I think just reassuring him that you enjoy it no matter what the outcome is and perhaps finding alternate ways to help finish your end of the situation (toys / manual stimulation / oral / etc.) would help a lot. Maybe he just needs a bit of his anxiety producing concerns aired out and addressed and reassured?

Then again, maybe it's just a medical condition with ED, plain and simple?

I'm obviously no expert. Just sharing my personal experiences and thoughts. The big thing I can't stress enough though is to address this stuff. Don't let it sit unattended. Don't be like me and put it off forever. If he gives resistance to talking about it, don't let him keep the topic off the table. If this is bothering you, and rightfully so, then it needs to be addressed.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"he's not instantly turned on by me hence he's gay" ? did I hear that right?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

happynconfused said:


> Oh boy. I hope he isn't gay. Why would he marry me then?


He is.

Urban Dictionary: Beard


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> He is.
> 
> Urban Dictionary: Beard


I know you have a wicked sense of humor but I'm not sure you are helping here.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It's not you. Most men will have a problem with that from time to time, especially as they get older.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> "he's not instantly turned on by me hence he's gay" ? did I hear that right?


No. We read her words, hence he's gay.



happynconfused said:


> I thought he was gay for awhile there, before we got married he sent a half naked picture of himself to his gay friends. Said it was for girls at a party...yea right. Then we were all drunk one night and his gay friends said "put your balls away, we have already seen them". hmmm.


I must have made my point, or so I thought, and moved on. Just came back today. I find it AMAZING that you are all treating him like a straight man with ED. What planet am I on again?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No, and I can't and speak for everyone or how your man feels about you personally. Like the comedian Doug Stanhope says "I'm so jaded I can't get off unless YOU watch!" Everyone gets turned on by different things some of them are pretty weird.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> No. We read her words, hence he's gay.
> 
> 
> 
> I must have made my point, or so I thought, and moved on. Just came back today. I find it AMAZING that you are all treating him like a straight man with ED. What planet am I on again?


If you take all of her threads as a whole, he is at minimum curious, probably at least bi and has possibly dabbled.

Nothing wrong with any of it, unless he is doing it behind his wife's back.

This is why it is encouraged to stick to one thread so posters who may come and go get a more complete picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

tech-novelist said:


> I know you have a wicked sense of humor but I'm not sure you are helping here.


I am the ONLY one helping here. I am not spamming this thread. I am the only one who is right.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> If you take all of her threads as a whole, he is at minimum curious, probably at least bi and has possibly dabbled.
> 
> Nothing wrong with any of it, unless he is doing it behind his wife's back.


Or if he can't get a stiffie because she doesn't have a penis. Which looks like the issue here.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

happynconfused said:


> I had to get him off orally again (within a minute). Any ideas?????


Look up at his face when you are pleasuring him orally. Are his eyes closed or is he watching? The only thing better than getting a BJ is watching it get done to you.

I'll bet you a thousand dollars his eyes are closed during the act.


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