# Cash Offer On Marital House- Jail Breakout!



## Sparkles422

Come August 17th, I will be out of prison from X! We were stuck in the same marital home (he wouldn't buy me out) which suited X perfectly but was an emotional and financial drain on me. 

Now X can't sleep since it's only 3 wks away and he was playing runaway all these months while I tried the heavy lifting with reconciliation and then divorce. I went through the pain (he never felt it or is pretending), looked at places to live and started a new life. He is flipping out.

Yes it happened quickly. All of this the EA, the separation/divorce and the sale of the house took place since March of this year.

X had the nerve to ask me to tell him after my research which is the best moving company. And then told me to research the split of his measly retirement fund (he is court ordered to do that) and I told him No, you do that and you had months after sep agreement was signed to do that. And if you don't I guess we will be back in court and I would prefer not to do it that way since I have a lot to do.

Well guess what? Lala land doesn't pay. I suppose the fog is lifting but that is X's problem. I almost pitied him but then he made snide remarks which has led me to believe he has been spying on me.

No more head games, no more torture, he won't be able to reach me anymore. Now he can sit on the pit pot, I have gotten up from it.

YAHOO! :lol::rofl


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I am very happy for you and yes he does need to do his own work. Now you know why he was following you around offering food...like trying to get a draft horse to do some heavy pulling. 
It will be good for him to be responsible for his own stuff and good for you for letting him do it.


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## Sparkles422

home: You are not going to believe this but X tagged along looking at condos with a realtor I found. Doesn't mind living in same development, go figure. He was so overwhelmed and scared, now he is more confident since I started the process.

I am beginning to see what the relationship was all about finally. It took 9 years but I see that he hung on the coattails of my courage. I also see what the reason was for the ED: he didn't like my creativity or that 80% of the time I came up with better ideas on how to do something or ideas in general. He actually would pretend to have come up with them himself. I think it really got to him.

I don't care that he tags along. This day was very informative since I have discovered my self esteem and my gifts that I never recognized fully before. And the feelings are not that strong anymore so I can handle it.

He is tagging along tomorrow as well. I begin to feel pity. I get scared but I walk through it, he runs away that is the difference between us.


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## 52flower

Wow...amazing. What will he do without you?! Not having to share a house will help you detach and heal and move on. Congratulations!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

That reminds me of some preview for a tv show where the guy is a dog.


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## Sparkles422

You know what, I don't like it after all. We're competing for the same market and he is a weasle. He's busy texting his EA person and behaving like a vampire with me, sucking my strength.

I emailed the realtor and told her to concentrate on rentals for me. She can do what she likes with him. She commented on how well we got along and I wanted to blurt out the whole story and that I am just wearing my pretend happy face.

I don't even know how he weasled himself into my life. This is about me. All he talks about is himself. He doesn't talk for months and now it is all about what he needs. I think he is scared.

Whatever, I only have until August 17th and I am out of here. I may move sooner if I find a place. I need my own life. I don't need to be feeding this vampire.

And I don't need to be sucked back into that hopelessness. No way, I worked too hard on this.


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## Catherine602

Why did you let him tag along? If he is sharing his adventures in real estate with his EA what are you getting out of letting him tag along. Do you think you are still in the habit of giving to much and not protecting yourself. 

If you had your best interest at heart, you would not have allowed him to come along and drag you down. His intensions are to torture you. He tags along so that you will hear him talking to the OW. Why do that? Reframe everything in your life - be selfish, ruthless even, never give more than you get in adult relationships. 

Tell your husband to beat it. Don't let him know where you are going to live. He is not fearful as he has convinced you - he want to be around you to keep you focused on him. Not because he loves or cares about you but because he feels like a stud with two women in love with him. 

Go no cobtact, why should you prop up his meager ego. He can find some gullible woman to run a game on, you should have stop playing long ago. He is still yanking your chain and you're letting him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 52flower

:iagree:


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## reindeer

Sparkles it is great you can get your own place, but this must be a new adventure for you. afresh start. no more tagging along from him, it will taint your future. leave him behind!


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## Sparkles422

Oh boy you are all correct. I did get sucked in. X wasn't talking to EA while with the realtor and I. He didn't even have his cell with him, asked me if he needed it with us.

I guess I still have feelings and I was really bummed out when he was on cell this evening (his usual thing). 

I am going out early this am and I will email realtor to meet at the other place to look without X.

Stud? Is that what he is doing? I have no idea because I truly feel like I don't know this person.

You know, he never has admitted about EA just kept saying they were really good friends and she has problems with her 45 yr marriage. I am younger than the two of them by 11 years.

I am mixed up again. It's my fault. I am going to get back on track today.

Thanks for all of your help. I need it because I still feel so fragile and vulnerable.


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## Catherine602

Sparkles - don't blame yourself for not seeing his possible motives. Although you are really the only one who can tell what he is up to, sometimes considering an out side view helps. I can only suggest that if something makes you feel unhappy, listen to yourself and do what feels good to you. His motives don't matter really but your reactions do matter. His tagging along does nothing positive for you and gives him an entertaining time to share with his friend. 

The changes you are making sounds wonderful. Fear of change and the unknown is natural but don't slip back into the dysfunctional pattern of dependence on you STBX. After you have settled into your new place, start working on changing your life and outlook. Give yourself a chance to heal by actively seeking new experiences and people. 

Start your new life by changing your look completely and vow to stop contact with your ex until you are completely happy in your new life. By that time you will not care. 

I think he will try to keep up contact, he may play on your sympathies, and kindness to manipulate you to stay in contact but please be committed to no contact. That is the best way to protect and take care of yourself. You can end up living in limbo with your ex coming in and out of your life or you can have a new vibrant happy life. The choice is yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

My ex left me for another man after twenty years of marriage and then had the nerve to call, text or email almost everyday asking for advise. What should I do with the money from your 401K? What should I do with the money from the house sale? Can you watch the dog while I go out of town with Tom? The trucks making a funny noise, can you look at it? 

Like you Sparkles at times I felt a little pity for my ex and tried to help, but after a few weeks I shut it down. I told her she is no longer my responsibility and I am washing my hands of her. She still called a few more times but my response was always the same "That's not my problem". 

If you let your ex keep hanging on he will only be an anchor slowing you down from sailing into your new life! Cut the cord woman!!


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## 52flower

With regret, I admit I am an example of what they are explaining can happen to you. It gets confusing when you try to stay friends. In the end, it is likely that you will spend wasted energy and get hurt over and over. Unfortunately, some people think about themselves first and foremost. They are good at masking their selfishness and you realize it too late. A new start - YOU first!


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## Sparkles422

I am depressed over all of this. The apartments or condos that I can afford are so pitiful compared to my house. Most of them will not fit my furniture and some won't take my little dog.

I am discouraged. And to top it off, I still love my X and it stinks. The realtor told me (after I left them to meet her at another place without X) that he is "totally confused and still in love with me". She said it was very sad to see two people who love each other in such a mess. 

All I can say is I have taken steps backward because of my weakness. And I wish fervently that I didn't love X but I do and my life feels empty right now.

I am looking at another place tomorrow but I have no enthusiasm. I made such a mistake not telling X no you can't come with me. I thought I had gotten beyond it. What a lie.

I am so sad.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

When in doubt, pray.


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## hesnothappy

@ Sparkles, don't give was to despair. You are marvelously made to handle it all. You will find the perfect place to reside. You will be happy once again.....what alternative do we have. Feel better soon.


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## 52flower

Sparkles I know what you are going through. People we jointly dealt with passed on information that set me back. Just before our divorce became final, a business associate told me she thought we got back together. Evidently, he had just told her he made a huge mistake & was moving back to reconcile. As ashamed as I am to admit, I was still vulnerable & hoped it was true. His actions (lack of) spoke the truth. Although his words set me back, I am glad they were just words. The only thing you can go by are actions. And you must decide & know how to protect yourself as you do not need to endure any more hurt.


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## Catherine602

Sparkles your husband is good at sucking you in. Why would he give your realtor the impression tgat he loves you? Because she would tell you and it will have the exact effect it has had - you are unsettled and unsure now. 

Think carefully - he is still in contact with the OW, he is still making snide comments to you, he has not once apologized for what he has done not has he made any attempt to atone for his treatment of you. Yet a few manipulative words to a real estate agent of all people is making you think twice. 

That is the equivalent of a cheap date, you are giving cheap forgiveness and he will not respect or appreciate you because you do not value yourself. If you did you would know that a few words to a reasl estate agent means nothing but real sincere acts of contrition, love and atonement do. 

ACTION not words his action show a careless disregard of you. He seems certain that he can manipulate you with a few well placed words. 

Let him know that you are no fool you require a great deal more love in ACTION not cheep words. Don't stop your momentum, if he really loved you enough he would fight hard for you not slip a word or two to a disintegrated party. Don't be a cheap date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422

Cat:
i think, as hard as this is to admit, you are absolutely right. He is using me. My sister was furious, she asked the hard question: How has he helped you out? She was sick of him, can't stand him and doesn't want to hear about him anymore.

I called the realtor yesterday and told her I want the apt I viewed w/o X but to wait for the application process until after the inspection report on my house comes back.

I was up very early this am thinking about where I am going to place my furniture and how to hang drapes over those ugly vertical blinds and how nice to look at the lake from my apt. and that there is a pool (I do laps) and a gym and I will feel sale there.

I thought of my little dog and that I was being selfish about wanting him with me. The realtor wants him, she has 3 other dogs, fenced in yard, pool and loves dogs. He would have friends instead of being cooped up in an apt with me gone a great deal of the time. So I asked her to take him. I love the dog very much but he would have a better life.

Then X flirted with the idea of taking my dog but his selfishness stepped in and said he wouldn't want to be tied down with a dog if he goes away. I jumped on him taking my dog, figuring I could get him back once I bought a house but this would be a way to be tied into my life. He hardly touches the dog anyway. No my buddy will go to the realtor.

Another way I can tell X doesn't love me since he started being friendlier and making jokes etc...the conversations are all about him. I am just a sounding board.

Almost got sucked in emotionally but when this house sells and I move I think that will be it.

Thank you for helping to open my eyes to the manipulation.

Why bother manipulating when you don't care anymore about the person? Don't understand that one, either. Ego?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

People manipulate because it gives them power to see how they can cause emotional upheaval and confustion for you. It's a habit of connection, because they don't know any other way of being connected. :-(


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## Sparkles422

I know he is upset, he looks scared and we had a talk yesterday am and I told him to walk around in my shoes for the last 4 months, my having affair with a man, texting and calling night and day. How would you feel? Not good was his reply. I said a little more than not good. He has now changed and is not doing at the specific times he had done it previously. Evidently, he didn't realize that I had observed(hard not to in same house) that they call/text twice a day same time. They're "friends" since high school, so he told me. X is changing somehow but I think it's a little late. X= past tense.

It will be much, much better when I lose the physical contact. August 17th is the closing day and I will start packing after inspection comes back.


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## Catherine602

Sparkles422 said:


> I know he is upset, he looks scared and we had a talk yesterday am and I told him to walk around in my shoes for the last 4 months, my having affair with a man, texting and calling night and day. How would you feel? Not good was his reply. I said a little more than not good. He has now changed and is not doing at the specific times he had done it previously. Evidently, he didn't realize that I had observed(hard not to in same house) that they call/text twice a day same time. They're "friends" since high school, so he told me. X is changing somehow but I think it's a little late. X= past tense.
> 
> It will be much, much better when I lose the physical contact. August 17th is the closing day and I will start packing after inspection comes back.


I think you are very bad at reading your ex. He looks scared because he is worried about himself not because he realizes what an idiot he is to lose you. He is not changing, just realizing that he will be very lonely on his own. 

It would be nice to continue to have lovely Sparkles around to love him with no expectation of return. But Sparkle got smart and knows she deserves as much love as she gives. Mr. Sparkles is out of luck. He will remain as selfish as ever. 

Nothing you say will make a change to his basic orientation to life. I doubt if he has the ability to walk in anyones shoes. If it makes you feel better to try to make him empathetic then OK. I think you are just giving him ammunition to manipulate you. 

Try very hard to have NC with him no more conversations or heart to hearts. If reconciliation were really a possibility, you would have no doubt. 

Why would he manipulate when he does not care - why not. Hints and mixed messages keeps a gullible person dancing on a string and hoping. Makes him feel as if he matters to someone. Has nothing to do with the depth of his feelings. 

Indeed, if he felt anything he would be very clear and not try to draw you in with false hope. It is all about him. You are the one who needs to step in his shoes and see things the way he does. Then you would understand and be able to decode his behavior. 

You keep thinking that he feels the way you feel but you are mistaken. He will escalate these hints and appearance of fear in an attempt to draw you back in the coming weeks. 

Be indifferent and ignore him. This is good practice for you. I think you have a tendency to care for others and not protect yourself. You need to be selfish now and talk care of you. 

Learn to be selfish start now so that in your next relationship you will be good at it. Never give more than you get.


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## Sparkles422

catherine: You are right. I am not good at reading him. I attribute my qualities to him or so I was told by my friend's husband. He told me all that I love about X was what I had not what X had.

This will end and I have erected the walls. I am civil but that's it. In my mind, this day, I really have moved on. And you're right again about the selfishness. He is and I am not. He's a narcissist through and through.

Thank goodness for this site. I needed a dash of cold water to wake from the BS.

Thank you Ladies/Gentlemen.


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## Catherine602

Have you read anything about narcissism? It helps to know the nature of the beast. I am not surprised that he was able to suck you in so aptly. 

They are extraordinarily charming and able to get what they want through subtle manipulation of people. They are masters at discovering weaknesses and playing to them. 

The condition cannot be treated and it is a lifelong personality disorder. You are lucky you got away. People usually find it difficult to leave them because they use just enough charm to keep a person and when they are nasty they make it the other persons fault. 

Don't believe anything he says. Assume that his motives are to manipulate you to benefit him. In terms of love - he loves you but only if the focus is on him. 

Remember this for your next relationship - narcissist look for partners who are kind, caring and guileless. Someone who gives without expectation of return. 

Do you think that IC would help you to change your habit of giving much more than you receive? If not the chances of getting involved with another self-centered man who cannot give is high.


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## Sparkles422

Thank you so much Catherine.

I am in IC and I will address the topic at my next session and in my group therapy.

You are right, I don't want to have this empty type of relationship ever again. It was tiring and very lonely.

It was and is very hard to accept that I could be dropped so easily because I was never really loved for myself but for my reflection of the other person and the constant adoration and putting aside of my own needs that I had to give.

Anyway, again thank you. Today I should hear the verdict on the home inspection.


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## Catherine602

Good luck on the house. My suggestion is to look up the effect of narcissistic personality disorder on relationships. You'll recognize him and realize it is not you. You should pity him because he does fear but it is fear for himself. As they get older it is harder to find a woman who will take him on long-term His future will probably be lonely. Yours in contrance is excellent because you have much to give to the right man.

The best thing to do is not get entangled with a person with NPD. You can avoid this my never giving too much. This is a pimer on NPD - You can easily be conned into a relationship with them if you believe the fiction of fairytales. Any man who is very charming and declares his love too quickly and showers you with gifts and attention, avoid like the plague. You are probably dealing with a personality disorder. 

Normal men are cautious about committing and declaring undying love and they are not ficticious lovers. Good luck and don't be sucked in by him, strict NC after you move. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight

Sparkles422 said:


> home: You are not going to believe this but X tagged along looking at condos with a realtor I found. Doesn't mind living in same development, go figure.


Hi Sparkles, it's been awhile. I was reading through your thread and I know the comment above is old but I saw something on it that struck me as not good for you.

I noticed you said "Doesn't mind living in the same development," well that's great about him - but what about you? I would have thought you would have ended this comment by saying AHHH, HEELLLLLL NOOO! Maybe he doesn't mind but what about you? I would have told him that you were not OK with him being in the same complex.

What I read into your post was that you still aren't over him. But that was a few days ago. I hope you are getting past this and are realizing that you are now free to be truly happy. You deserve, whenever you are ready, to find someone that will be as loving and caring to you as you can be for them. Obviously, you were blinded sided by your ex so I can understand that trusting again could be difficult, and that is kind of good actually, it's a defense mechanism for you, just don't make it a major part of your life. There are many good men out there that are as committed faithful and loving as you are. Keep an eye out but don't rush to anything. As one other poster on here said, be selfish for a while, do things for you right now.


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## Sparkles422

catherine: I am watching the x now that I have researched narcissism. The games he is playing but he is, now, playing them with himself. He doesn't know I am looking at him more detached and analyzing him. I made sure the realtor has the divorce papers and wires the house sale money directly into my a/c. No more games of trying to make me broke.

All he does is talk about himself, yak yak. I nod and think about other things and that I can move into my new apartment with my DOG!!! on the 15th and it is a really cozy place 1200 sf under air, community pool, private courtyard, 2 bedrooms, big living room. I am very happy.

Then school!

Brighter: Thank you for your wisdom. It is going to be NC for sure. And it is true I am a softee, always have been and I am not going to change but I will be more careful.

But one thing, I will be very wary of the man that brings gifts and emails I love you too quickly. Red flags will be dropped!

I feel so much better with the nice villa and my dog! And the beach is 5 minutes away and my friends are close and my meetings.
I am so grateful to GOD and to you all and to all of my friends and family that saw me through a terrible time.


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## reindeer

Sparkles your new home sounds delightful, I am glad things are finally working out for you. i hope you will be very happy.


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## brighterlight

Sparkles422 said:


> But one thing, I will be very wary of the man that brings gifts and emails I love you too quickly. Red flags will be dropped!
> 
> I feel so much better with the nice villa and my dog! And the beach is 5 minutes away and my friends are close and my meetings.
> I am so grateful to GOD and to you all and to all of my friends and family that saw me through a terrible time.


:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

Catherine602 said:


> Any man who is very charming and declares his love too quickly and showers you with gifts and attention, avoid like the plague. You are probably dealing with a personality disorder.


Amen to this!!!!!!!!!!!!! :iagree:

My ex husband laid it on THICK about how into me he was, would just stare at me when we went out, acted like a giddy schoolboy saying how very much he was taking out relationship seriously--the point where it made me uncomfortable. Over time he grew on me but at first I was like, "WTF? YOu don't even know me!" He ended up being very emotionally abusive. But that mask didn't slip til little by little... 

Then when it finally came off I felt like a dumb-dumb for being duped. He was totally different than how he presented himself. I had never in my life had the experience of being w/ someone like this so it was a double mindf-ck. 

Sparkle--You will be fine... I think once you physically separate from him, you will begin to heal. 

He did you a major favor eventhough it may not feel like it right now cause you're broken-hearted and having to hear him talk to his skank every day on the phone. Ew.


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## Sparkles422

jelly:

So you had a narcissist too? Terrible. I was in a fog for years feeling like a husk: empty and lifeless. Truly.

I have moved up my move out date to 8/10 and arranged with the movers. My landlady (I haven't had a landlord for 30 years) said I could move anytime. Thank goodness.

I am feeling a little blue but that is because I am leaving what I was used to and going to something totally new. It's a little scary, such a big change. I suppose I will be lonely but it can't be much different than what I am feeling now. Except x won't be there.

And yes he talks to OW. And it's purposeful because he could have talked to her anytime on his road trip today but no he had to talk to her on the lanai (which is shared space) so I kept on packing.

That's what these narcissists do: mean, spiteful, hurtful all of it intentional to get a reaction. I didn't react. Now he is ignoring me, it's a new tactic from the last week of being nice and humourous. I am seeing behavior that he had hidden. All designed to get a reaction so he feels he is alive. He is the dead one.

It will be hard but it's got to be easier than living in this hell.

What do you think?


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## Catherine602

Jellybennie - little girls are fed a constant diet of fairytales, consume romance novels and listen to media hype. It as fictitious as is porn. I don't read fairytales dealing with prince charming's - Alice in Wonderland is such like. 

Its will be hard to avoid the Disney films as they get older. You have to teach kids early and constantly to recognize people who may be bad new in friendship and I hope it carries through to adulthood. 

I think one antidote is to bring up confident kids. Trust and respect them and punish bad behavior without destroying their egos. Strong confident people have the ego stretch to spot foolishness and avoid it. 

Still my daughter plays out fantasies of prince charming like characters must be something on the X chromosome. 

Sparkles - ignoring a narcissist only spurs them on. It is still a kind of attention and that is what they crave. They are the most important, intelligent and interesting people in the universe. 

They hate to be treated with indifference, like they don't matter. Big difference. Treat him like an annoying 2 yr old kid of a neighbor who comes over to your house uninvited and talks non stop while you're reading. 

You pretend you're listening so you don't kill the kids nascent language development but, you don't listen. Polite indifference. 

Try it - be very polite but remote, agree vaguely with whatever he says and greet him politely when he enters a room. 

Ask banal questions "nice trip" then continue doing something look at him only occasionally and smile a little and nod your head and go back to what you are doing. 

Leave the room say, "go ahead I can still hear you" while he is talking about himself and say, "thats nice". Drift away until you can't hear him. If you are eating have enough for him and in passing say, "have some" and drift away. 

Never show anger hurt or interest in anything he says or does. Occasionally say, " I sorry did't hear you". "Oh that's nice" and "yea" are useful phrases.

That will mess with his head big time. It may be difficult at first but once you start and you are successful, it will become 2nd nature when dealing with him. Just remember don't listen just pretend you are.


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## Catherine602

BTW not only narcissist pretend to bond quickly its a feature of many mental and personality disorders. But who cares about their diagnosis, just run.


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## Sparkles422

Catherine:

Ok I will try that again. I had been doing that but he reacted as if I was weak and started the manipulation of my feelings with wearing wedding ring, charm all the bs. How I ignore him is by not bringing up a topic to talk about and just going on with my business, if he says something I say Hey that's great or how nice etc...I am not rude and wouldn't be in any case.

You know what I only have 5 more days and I am gone.

I can take it that much longer. It's a lot better than it was when this all came down 4 months ago. Such a short time to be torn apart but that was yesterday and now I will be careful and work on the damage that has been done.

Love myself back to health: Continued IC, group and meetings, school, friends, new adventures.....:smthumbup:


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## Catherine602

S its different now because you know his game. Of course he ramped up when you did it before because he knew he lost you. You reacted by being pulled back in. This time you know whast to expect. 

Even though it is only a few days, I have a feeling that you will need this skill because he may not go away. He may even use the old charm, flowers and candy again to get you to relent. 

Don't take his behavior as a sign he has changed but that you are getting to him.


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## 52flower

Catherine, you're right ..not with the same flurry but the attempts to keep you reeled in continues. When the divorce is final & flowers are still being sent what's the best way to handle an ex who has strong narcissistic characteristics? I realize it's just a need to still have control.


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