# Exposing to the OWH



## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

finally found out for sure who the OWH is. Now I have to deal with how to expose the affair...

my WH doesn't want me to, says the OWH knows, just doesn't know the name, and he doesnt want the OW causing either of us problems. Says she's vindictive and could cause problems where we both work, or even come to the house. I've heard this about her from my WH ex so I do believe the woman is potentially dangerous. 

but my husband hasn't had a "i'm choosing her" moment with the OW either. He says they both agreed a long time ago that if they stopped texting and calling it was over. He hasn't texted that I've seen or called her in 3+ weeks, nor has she...but I really don't know. No evidence of burn phones or emails, but with the secretive nature, it's possible it's there. I just want him to write her a letter and choose me...but he says it's not necessary, he already has chosen me. 

He seems to be protecting her, to be keeping the door open. I said as much to him and he said no, he's protecting me, leaving the past behind him and focusing on getting us through this. Or he could be lying to me...and keeping a relationship with her open...or he could be telling the truth...I just don't know. 

I don't know what to do....my gut says a talk with the OWH could expose more than I know...but I also don't want to be in the dark...and if he does know and didn't care to keep his wife on a leash, then it might just make things worse for me. 

I've read a lot, I know he has a right to know...I'm not sure why I have to be the one to tell him, seems like just one more burden on me right now...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell him.

Your husband has done nothing to make you secure, his every action is to protect his mistress.

Protect yourself, inform the OWH ASAP.
This will give you info you didn't have before (I'm betting your H is still lying).
This will give you a second set of eyes on the affair (the OWH can let you know what's going on from his end)
This will throw a monkey wrench into the OW's life.(she'll be too busy trying to save her marriage to mess with your husband)
This will tell you husband he doesn't have control of the situation. ( he thinks he does)

Do it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" my WH doesn't want me to, says the OWH knows, just doesn't know the name, and he doesnt want the OW causing either of us problems. Says she's vindictive and could cause problems where we both work, or even come to the house. "

This is so classic wayward speak , if there was a book you would have the same words verbatim . Expose to the OW's husband , I suspect there is more to your husband not wanting her husband to know , like keeping you as plan B . Sadly waywards spend far to much time protecting their OW/OM 's than saving their marriages.

Take the OW out and expose her , if she makes life difficult have her reported to the company HR department .

FYI: if you read what waywards fear most , it is exposure. Shake her little world and protect your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your husband refuses to send the no contact letter, he is not doing what you need to make you feel safe and loved. 

IMHO, it's a deal breaker. It shows that he's not 100% in the marriage.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

Ii'm afraid you're right EleGirl, the no contact letter is a dealbreaker. He might not see why it needs to be done, but he has to do it for me. 

Has anyone told the other spouse? How did it go? What was said? I can't meet him in person, I'd have to call or email. I'm not sure what I'd say.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Call first, if you can't make contact email only if you are certain the OW is not monitoring his mails. Do not tell your husband what you are doing . When you do expose wait and see if the OW contact your husband .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

What do I say to him? He's supposedly dying of cancer and I'm about to tell him that for the past 5 or 6 years his wife's been having an affair with my husband? I mean...exactly how do you break that news to someone? What if he has a heart attack or something on the phone? What if I'm the one that makes that happen? even though I know it's not my fault, it's WH and OW fault...still, how would I live with the guilt if he lands in the hospital?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

very unlikely you will give him a heart attack, stop making excuses and just do it


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

I only have his work number or facebook message ability...those are my options...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then send him a facebook message stating that you are sorry to tell him that your husband and his wife had an affair and that you have proof and if he would like to discuss it with you or see the proof to contact you by x, if he doesnt answer follow up with a call to his work on Monday


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> What do I say to him? He's supposedly dying of cancer and I'm about to tell him that for the past 5 or 6 years his wife's been having an affair with my husband? I mean...exactly how do you break that news to someone? What if he has a heart attack or something on the phone? What if I'm the one that makes that happen? even though I know it's not my fault, it's WH and OW fault...still, how would I live with the guilt if he lands in the hospital?


I cannot tell you how many times I've read on here that the OWH is dying of cancer (or some other illness). Apparently he's not dying very fast if he's been aroud for the last 5 years of the affair. 

It think this is part of the WS script.. "tell the BS that the OWH is dying and too frail to hear the news. Thus laying a guilt trip on the BS to not call the OWH."

If he really is ill and ends up in the hospital, it's his wife and your husband who put him there not you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> What do I say to him? He's supposedly dying of cancer .....


If I had a quarter every time I heard from a WS the OM/OW is dying of cancer I`d be rich as hell by now.
Maybe he is probably he isn`t either way it`s not your concern.
It changes nothing.



> ...and I'm about to tell him that for the past 5 or 6 years his wife's been having an affair with my husband? I mean...exactly how do you break that news to someone?


What news would you be breaking to him?
Your H told you he`s aware of the affair already.
You don`t think your H would be lying do you?




> What if he has a heart attack or something on the phone? What if I'm the one that makes that happen? even though I know it's not my fault, it's WH and OW fault...still, how would I live with the guilt if he lands in the hospital?


You`re making excuses.

Tell him


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> What news would you be breaking to him?
> Your H told you he`s aware of the affair already.
> You don`t think your H would be lying do you?
> 
> ...


Very good point, if he already knew then telling him would be old news... and thus not cause him to die from his medical condition... :rofl:

The lies that cheaters tell. The twisting they do would be funny were it not so sad and pathetic.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband is slavishly following the cheaters script here. He will do anything to stop you from harming the affair - and his gut knows that you contacting the OWH will do it major damage.

Stop talking to him about even contacting the OWH. It frankly isn't his decision, and it isn't something that his opinion matters on - except perhaps to say: The more he says not to do it, the more you should.

stop beating around the bush and contact him.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

What your H is saying sounds very similar to what my OH said when I found out he was at the start of an EA.

My OH did not want to write a NC letter or contact the OW in any way to make that clear and final decision "out loud." On his part there were different reasons at the time. One was he felt it would be embarrassing (in the fog he'd convinced himself he was just being "friendly" and me asking him to do that was way over the top.

The other was that he said he'd rather ignore her texts and calls than contact her again. In retrospect I wish I'd pushed harder as he ended up texting her again (a one-time slip) and it completely reignited her contact. He couldn't see at the time how difficult it was for me to see this steady stream of fishing texts knowing that as long as he only ignored her, she wasn't getting the message. 

I think you are spot on about it being about articulating a clear decision to you from him about where his future lies and it would be worth explaining that briefly but clearly. Just be clear how you will proceed if he refuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well of COURSE she doesn't want you to blab about the affair. Because she knows as soon as that happens, the jig is up. Her reasoning isn't to protect the OWH. It's to protect herself and to keep the affair a secret, which enables the affair. DUH.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> ...


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