# My Husband Will Turn Me On and Then We Won't Have Sex. What can I do to change this?



## Kristina (May 2, 2010)

Well, first of all I want to start by saying that I know that I have a better situation going for me than some, because I know that my husband DOES want me and/or wants to have sex with me.  I don't want to seem ungrateful for the connection I have. Here is the thing though:

We have sex, on occasion. Maybe once or twice a month. He tries to make it out as though I'm just not there when the time is right. (i.e. "I had this huge boner this morning and I was wishing you were there, but you were at work.") When I AM home or out he doesn't want to do anything. He doesn't like having sex before we go to bed, partly because he's already taken a ton of Loritabs for his back pain, another part either stress or sleepiness. Speaking of sleepiness, he has problems getting to sleep without sleep aids, but when he does sleep he is out of it until after 12 or1 in the afternoon. There is no way that I can time it just right to be home when he wants it. I have an 8-5 job, some days he doesn't even go to work till 5. It's just frustrating!

Getting to what my question was, on the rare times where we actually get any bit intimate, he is just a total tease. Like yesterday, we were spending the weekend with a friend and asked me to go with him into the room while he took a shower. Well, we went in the bathroom and he started kissing me all over, feeling up my breasts, ect. Then he gets in the shower. Since I had already had a shower, put on my makeup, and we were about to go to dinner with his friend, I didn't get in. He just left me pining. As he was getting out he told me that he would "do stuff" to me later. I knew that would mean either eating me out, fingering, ect. I asked him, "Do you think you could get off?" He just said, "I don't know. Maybe." That makes me feel like there is nothing I can do. On top of that, we didn't even do anything last night. His moods change so constantly I always feel like I have to take advantage of the moment or nothing will happen. But "the moment" even the ones where we do other things happen so infrequently and at the worst times imaginable that I never end up getting anything...much less getting laid. 

I am 25, and super sexual. I love my husband and have trained myself to get less than I am expecting because I hate to ask, but this is driving me nuts. Even on our one year wedding anniversary, a week ago, we didn't have sex. All the elements were there. We went to the beach, stayed in a swanky hotel that we had always wanted to stay, I even spent a ton on this lingerie that I had thought he would like...and then...nothing. I mean, we tried, but he couldn't get it up. I found myself getting angry at him, then upset, and just cried myself to sleep. I think to myself, maybe I'm being selfish...but it just hurts my feelings that I can't be intimate with the one person I love more than anyone else in the world. I don't feel like I can make him feel good, that we can connect physically, and it starting to make me feel like less of a good wife because of it. I know it probably has to do with all of the medication, but I don't think I can do anything about it...and there is nothing I can do about stress and I've tried for years to make him happy enough to the point were he doesn't need depression medication. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. He has even told me that. It's just who he is. 

What can I do from here? Is there any solution or is it just going to get to the point where we are never going to have sex ever again?


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## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

Wow sounds something like my hubby, for depression. What my hubby and I do is talk about it. What I mean about that is we will tell each other EVERY fantasy we've ever had. I don't know if it is something you've done or not. Sometimes just setting the mood for it, I mean leave him subtle or direct hints on what you would like to do later. The way I see it is you need to get over the hate of asking. I know you have medical issues in the mix but talk to a doctor about the medications and what can be done to help your sex life. If they try to peddle more drugs on top of the ones he already has try to avoid it, there are a LOT of all natural ways to heal a person.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my solution for when my H did this to me was not to let him touch me anymore. sounds harsh, i know, but it was that or lose my mind. my H rarely wants to have sex and i just dont work that way. so i rarely let him touch me. its not exactly a long term solution, though. ive been using it as a short term solution until i figure out what im supposed to do about it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't really know much about depression drugs -other than reading they almost always have a negative effect on sex drive, But I have seen the mention of *Wellbutrin* a # of times being the leader among these drugs claimed to 
accually ENHANCE libito. 

I googled a link that has user reviews for this purpose. 

Wellbutrin for Sexual / Libido enhancement - User ratings & reviews - Revolution Health

Also, he may be a candidate for some Viagra (even a 50mg cut in half, or small slithers works well for many). This could help boost his confidence as well, as I am sure he takes it "hard on himself" when the time is Ripe for love making & he can not even will it up. Some men don't even have a physical problem but have caused themselves "Performance anxiety" just thinking about it too much, Viagra helps here too. Even for just a time to get him over this hurdle.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

If your only 25 he's probably around 25 as well am I right? 
Because if he is at that age, isn't that a little young for Viagra?

In Your whole post..You sound just like what I feel with my wife...she'll do some similar things like sometimes I think she's making a move..but then she'll just stop..and I'm thinking, "what the ****!?!?!"
I've got no advice, as my situation is only getting worse, just hang in there is all I can say...being in your situation(except I'm a male) I know it sucks to always want it...and NO, I dont think your being selfish, especially at 25 years old..and only married for one year..at that age sex at least 3 times a week should be normal..at LEAST 3 times a week..


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i can talk from the heart.... it started awhile back for me also and i trained myself also... you need to untrain yourself or things will get worse...

let him know you are left hanging and don't like it, if he takes pills then he may not have control over the when he gets hard but he i am sure has an idea so... go to bed about 1 hr before wanting to sleep and wait to take the pills till after the fun.... i know work schedules are hard but can be worked around.

again un train yourself or it will be along rest of your marriage.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> As he was getting out he told me that he would "do stuff" to me later. I knew that would mean either eating me out, fingering, ect. I asked him, "Do you think you could get off?" He just said, "I don't know. Maybe." That makes me feel like there is nothing I can do. On top of that, we didn't even do anything last night.
> 
> On top of that, we didn't even do anything last night.


No wonder he didn't initiate after that discussion - he's thinking, "I had better get it up and I had better shoot like a mo-fo or I'm in trouble with the wife."

Total performance anxiety - you were expecting him to perform .

Can I throw this question out to the forum and to the ladies. . .considering the OP's "plight", why is it considered somewhat normal for a woman to be "orgasm-less" during sex and that's okay, because she still gets into the lovemaking in other ways but obviously this husband was still willing to please her but the wife is obviously upset he's not releasing?

You know, one of the best most intense sexual experiences I ever had with my stb-x wife was when I went down on her for like an hour, she came like a screaming banshee with 2 fingers inside of her, and dropped off to sleep for 1-2 hours and I went off into the living room and watched football for an hour. We had a quickie intercourse after she woke up.

Sex is give and take - I know sometimes it's great when it's 50/50 or actually "100/100" but damn, maybe I am not the best performer but simultaneous orgasms. . .probably happened 100x in my life at best out of the 10,000+ sex sessions.

Maybe I am a bad lover though. . .that's why I am bouncing it off the forum.

I think there are some levels of expectations that need to change. Yes, you need an erect penis - I am not invalidating that and that needs to be addressed from a physical and emotional standpoint on your husband. But maybe he needs to set the tone of where and when.

Just a shot in the dark.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> why is it considered somewhat normal for a woman to be "orgasm-less" during sex and that's okay, because she still gets into the lovemaking in other ways but obviously this husband was still willing to please her but the wife is obviously upset he's not releasing?


that is news to me. i didnt know it was ok for a women to go orgasm-less during sex. 

but its not so much an issue that he didnt 'get it up' or anything like that. He left her. if he had made her orgasm im pretty sure she wouldnt be complaining. he turns her on and leaves. that's the problem. she's left frustrated and wanting. and because she's married, he's the only one she can go to to relieve that frustration (and herself but its not the same). that's the problem.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Blanca,

LOL. . .let me clarify.

A lot of women will say they don't need an orgasm to find pleasure in sex.

Most often, men will scratch their head at the idea.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Thanks for clarifying scannerguard Im a woman and you know from my posts how much I love the O (but can go without it on occassion... )! It does seem based on your posts that you put pressure on him without even realizing you are doing it. He must feel even worse being young and having issue. I thought with enough love and time my ex would "grow out" of his ED... mostly performance anxiety related to being inside a woman... he was fine with bj's, but he did not. I didnt hold it against him as I knew before we got married. I also rationalized I had had enough sex to hold me over for the rest of my life... yep alot before him.

Anyway, you need to change how you approach sex or he needs to try viagra or other methods, or you all may need to cut losses. But since you love each other, try the others first...


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