# Interesting development



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

My STBXW and I have been separated since January. D filed in April, and it's moving along nicely. She had an affair after we separated, and to my knowledge is still seeing the OM.

When I found out, I went dark. Been going to counseling, working on myself, yadda yadda. Reconnected with an old almost flame from high school in May, started dating, really into each other, now we're exclusive, and things are going along really well.

Fast forward to two days ago. My girlfriend gets a friend request on Facebook from someone; I'll call her Jane Williams (I made that name up at random). GF has no idea who this person is. She looks at the account details, and sees that Jane Williams is "married" to a person named "Jeff" ("Jeff" is the name of my STBXW's little brother, who I am very close to). "Williams" is the last name of a mutual friend of ours who used to date "Jeff" and works with my STBXW (she is my friend much more than by STBXW's at this point). The FB account is practically brand new. The profile pic is the only pic on the account. The coincidences in names are too hard to ignore.

My GF doesn't accept the request but sends a message back: "Do I know you?" Later that day, the account is GONE. Nowhere to be found. Completely deactivated.

My gut tells me it was my STBXW under a fake account trying to spy on my GF. As part of discovery for her child support suit, I had to cough up my FB wall over a month ago. I blocked my STBXW months ago, which I'm sure is why she asked for it. There was nothing there of value; just pics of me and my kids and random jokes between me and my high school friends.

Since then, I have changed my relationship status to "In a relationship" from "Single." I'm now wondering if STBXW saw that from this possible fake account, found out I'm dating this particular woman through a mutual friend and/or through my daughter (I didn't tell her I was dating, but that I do have a friend named "Lynn" and we email pictures of food back and forth; we both like to cook and so we email pics of our edible creations to each other all the time).

If it was my STBXW, I'm curious as to why she would do this. That's pretty ballsy; to friend request my GF? She's the one who wanted to separate; she's the one who had the affair. Once I found out, I kicked divorce into high gear and moved on and never looked back. What would she possibly have to gain by doing this? :scratchhead:


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Another reason I say FB is evil.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

FB is merely a tool. It depends on the intentions and actions of the user that make it good or bad.

FB is wonderful to me. That's how I was able to reconnect with my GF. She lives 60 miles away, so FB is our primary means of contact when we don't see each other.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> FB is merely a tool. It depends on the intentions and actions of the user that make it good or bad.
> 
> FB is wonderful to me. That's how I was able to reconnect with my GF. She lives 60 miles away, so FB is our primary means of contact when we don't see each other.


Change that primary means of contact to skype or something. It's easier to get into a conversation and you can wipe out all data at any time.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I just don't understand why after all this time (8 months) she's starting to care about what I'm doing. She didn't give a fig a few months ago. Now she's apparently spying on my GF. She's the one who told me "I think you need to learn to live without me." Okay, so I did. She went to all this trouble...for what?

It just doesn't make any sense to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

She must be doubting her own choices?


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I suppose it's possible. I was just honestly surprised. My GF on the other hand didn't seem surprised at all. She thought it was funny! I found me a good one. 

I wonder if this is only the beginning...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I just don't understand why after all this time (8 months) she's starting to care about what I'm doing. She didn't give a fig a few months ago. Now she's apparently spying on my GF. She's the one who told me "I think you need to learn to live without me." Okay, so I did. She went to all this trouble...for what?
> 
> It just doesn't make any sense to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who cares why? You have moved on, right? This is not uncommon. She has established herself as the one in control. She had the affair, she made you unhappy, and she was in control of how you feel. Now someone has stepped on her territory and is a part of your happiness. So now she feels the need to gain that control back. Not by getting back with you, but getting responses from/out of you. Ignore her, move on with your life. You are better off without her. 

-MWD


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your stbxw has been through the divorce route once before. She knows the game. She's probably trying to get more info from you to come out ahead in this current divorce of hers.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

MWD said:


> Who cares why? You have moved on, right? This is not uncommon. She has established herself as the one in control. She had the affair, she made you unhappy, and she was in control of how you feel. Now someone has stepped on her territory and is a part of your happiness. So now she feels the need to gain that control back. Not by getting back with you, but getting responses from/out of you. Ignore her, move on with your life. You are better off without her.
> 
> -MWD


She hasn't gotten a response out of me, I haven't said one word to her about it. I've gone dark, and have been dark for a while. As dark as I can be with our daughter in the picture at any rate. 

This seems like a highly plausible scenario. I firmly believe that I'm better off without her, but I am somewhat concerned that she might take further steps to try and "re-establish" her territory over my happiness. She has tried numerous things in the past; dressing sexy and dousing herself in body spray when she has to see me in person is her most recent tactic...didn't work one bit. Now she has escalated her game to this. It has me on my guard somewhat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

" As part of discovery for her child support suit, I had to cough up my FB wall over a month ago. "

Wow, what did they think they would get out of that?


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> " As part of discovery for her child support suit, I had to cough up my FB wall over a month ago. "
> 
> Wow, what did they think they would get out of that?


I think the reasons were twofold:

1) To see if I had posted anything incriminating against myself that could be used in court (which I didn't);

2) To spy on me because she wanted to know what I was doing. I'm sure that's how she found out I was dating someone. I've had her blocked for months, and I think she couldn't pass up this opportunity to see what I've been up to. She can't force me to unblock her, but she can force me to cough up my wall for her attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

This woman is psycho...

She doesn't want you but doesn't want you to have anyone else.. WTF?

You seem to be the one with your head on straight and she is going in circles.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks, Sad.  From the very beginning she wanted to separate only, not divorce. I was the one who pushed D. I was plan B. When things with her and the OM eventually died I think she still wanted me as an option. I took that away from her. 

I wasn't happy with her for a while, and she knew it. The writing was on the wall. She has lost all control over the situation; she's reacting to my legal actions, reacting to my NC, reacting to my moving on. I'm in the driver's seat. This kind of ploy of trying to friend my GF on FB reeks of desperation and insecurity. Thank God my GF has a sense of humor, we laughed about it. Lol

Sometimes I think my w is psycho, but other times I think she just has a really low self esteem. Me essentially kicking her to the curb has gotta hurt. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Sounds like she is gonna make this a nasty fight... maybe you should see about going on Divorce Court and let the rest of the country see in instability...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

When you had to cough up your Facebook page, was it a court order or just a lawyers "order"?

Lawyers try to get away with a lot by using thier most fancy tool....intimidating legal letters. That's why the first words out of your mouth to another lawyer but your own should be "go fu(k yourself"

There's no such thing as "contempt of lawyer letter". Only contempt of court.

Just my opinion.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

It was a court order. My attorney said I had to produce it, so I did. But the shoe is on the other foot now...hitting her with a settlement offer that she can't afford to refuse. She can't afford trial, so I'm pushing it that direction.  I think she'll cave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I was doing some more thinking... Why would she even care? She's the one who wanted to separate...why would she even care if I'm finding my happiness somewhere else? Shouldn't she be grateful that I'm no longer pining over her and letting her go to live her life?

None of this makes sense. My GF may move in with me at some point down the road...if she does im concerned as to what my STBXW may do. 

Ugh. I just want her to GO AWAY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Yet another interesting development. Hopefully this is a good sign. 

Our mutual friend "Jane" found out her now ex boyfriend "Jeff" (who happens to be my stbxw's little brother) had been having an online affair. Apparently the apples didn't fall far from the tree.  Anyway, Jane called me really angry and upset and told me all about it. We had a good conversation. During that conversation she happened to mention my stbxw's reaction when her attorney called her to let her know about my settlement proposal. I guess she was crying really badly and was really upset by it. 

My first reaction was GOOD. The bone crushing rejection hurts, doesn't it? I've got her over a barrel. She can't afford to go to court. It's either this or she starts selling things, like her car, to pay her attorney. I'm going for the whole shebang. My proposal will settle EVERYTHING. If she agrees, we file it and 30 days we are done. Divorced. Finished. 

God I hope she signs it. She has nothing left to play. She left for a fling with a 44 year old married man (she is now 29). That's all she'll have left after all this is done. Other than that, she'll be alone; except for her daughter from a previous marriage and our daughter about half the time.

I can see the end...it's just around the corner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

On Sunday when she came to pick up the girls, she was dressed to the nines. Wearing a red dress that matched the red highlights in her hair. Hair all done. Wearing makeup. The whole nine yards. And me? Black and white swimming trunks and a white tshirt. I was laughing inside. I asked her if she wanted the pink drapes that used to hang in our youngest daighter's bedroom. She politely said no and joked she only has 4 windows in her apartment and they already have drapes. I said that's fine I just wanted to make sure before I got rid of them. Then I asked if she would like the box for the Wii we got the girls for Christmas a couple years back. She did take it. I was happy to let her. 

Then she...hung around. She clearly didn't want to leave just yet. I was sending vibes that said "You can go now" pretty strongly. When I hugged and kissed the girls goodbye and sent them on their way, she looked sad. She illicited no reaction from me at all. I talked to my counselor about her behavior and how I don't like being manipulated. I don't want to have sex with her, she's still seeing the OM. And yet she acts sad because I don't want her anymore. My counselor said it sounds like she's trying to seduce me. I said fat chance in hell. 

Today I picked up my youngest from day care. And what is my youngest wearing? The dress we bought for our oldest (my step daughter) on our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta 6 years ago. That time, I actually DID laugh. 

She's clearly sending messages. She wants me to remember those things. Well I remember things very clearly: I remember her saying "You are not a priority. Our marriage is not a priority. I think you need to learn to live without me, without the idea that we are going to make things work."

If she thinks it's going to make me back down in the divorce, she must be high. She filed, too. She started it all. I'm simply seeing it through to the end, and it's got her worried. Good. Let her worry. Let her lose me. That's what she needs. 

Her attempts at manipulation are pathetic. I think she's second guessing herself now. Doesn't matter. Too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She never thought you would drive this.

She was certain it would be on her terms.

And, that's likely what she's after now.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

It'll never happen. I've been driving this since May and pushing it forward. I went dark as soon as I found out about her affair. And ever since she found out I have a girlfriend, she's been up in my business, trying everything she could to get my attention (physically). And I keep shutting her down. 

According to her brother she's been drinking a lot more. That's very unlike her. But I have no sympathy. As long as my daughter is ok when she's over there, she can drink all she wants. But it is a very peculiar tidbit of information.

I can't help but feel that she's afraid to let go. And she needs to. She needs to let me go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

toolforgrowth said:


> It'll never happen. I've been driving this since May and pushing it forward. I went dark as soon as I found out about her affair. And ever since she found out I have a girlfriend, she's been up in my business, trying everything she could to get my attention (physically). And I keep shutting her down.
> 
> According to her brother she's been drinking a lot more. That's very unlike her. But I have no sympathy. As long as my daughter is ok when she's over there, she can drink all she wants. But it is a very peculiar tidbit of information.
> 
> ...


This might be worth repeating - to her:

_"You are not a priority. Our marriage is not a priority. I think you need to learn to live without me, without the idea that we are going to make things work."_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

And that's exactly how I feel about it too. She just doesn't matter anymore. Although sometimes I do wonder if she regrets those words, especially lately. 

She is not a prioroty, and we no longer have a marriage. And yes, she does need to learn to live without me. The OM is married and won't leave his wife and she knows it. She should never have made me plan B. And when it eventually ends I have a feeling she'll want to come back, so she's testing the waters now. And getting rejected. Her fault. Her mistake. She'll be a 29 year old single mother of 2 from 2 different men. Welcome to the new life you chose.

I should have been Plan A all along. But I wasn't. And this man has moved on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Yesterday I get a call on my desk phone at work. I answer it and a male asks for my ex using her full name. I said she's not at this number, she's my ex wife is there something I can do for you? He said no, he can only speak with my ex and that he'll remove this # from their database. I said you do that. 

Creditors. Creditors are calling my work # looking for her. She ain't paying her bills. Now it all makes sense.

Real life's a b!tch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

toolforgrowth said:


> Yesterday I get a call on my desk phone at work. I answer it and a male asks for my ex using her full name. I said she's not at this number, she's my ex wife is there something I can do for you? He said no, he can only speak with my ex and that he'll remove this # from their database. I said you do that.
> 
> Creditors. Creditors are calling my work # looking for her. She ain't paying her bills. Now it all makes sense.
> 
> ...


Now you know what she wants!

$$$$$$$$$$


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Of which I have none. I'm paying for a mortgage designed for two incomes on my own. I flat out told her I'm broke and she knows it. I had to produce my bank statements, bills, all that stuff for her child support suit. I'm barely scraping by and flat out told her I'm broke after our last mediation session. She knows I can't afford to give her money, and even if I could I wouldn't.

Yet I do think you're right...somehow money is her primary motive. But she won't get any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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