# Something just snapped



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

After a separation last year, then him coming home at his request and now 6 wks ago him telling me he wants a divorce... we initially agreed on separating and staying in the same house, but different bedrooms, until I got a job (been a SAHM for 9 yrs) and he could afford to move out.

He treats me like dirt. He says nasty things to me on a daily basis. He does not help out around the house. What a convenient cheap hotel he has for himself.

He has NEVER taken an ounce of ownership for his part in the demise of our marriage. He has had EA's, lied to me countless times, has never been emotionally available and in my and my IC opinion, has emotionally abused me for years.

I have seen him vulnerable ONCE in the 12 yrs I've known him. Once.... he has never shared anything with me on an intimate level. He is a closed book. Whenever I tried to talk to him itimately he was very uncomfortable. He would then bring up my childhood wounds later in an argument to hurt me. Whenever I tried to ask him about his past he would say "I don't remember". I really know very little about him.

But as he reminds me every day.. It's all MY fault. Something snapped on Saturday. He said to me "you're going to be fvcked when I move out". I think he meant I'll be screwed financially and all alone to deal with our special needs son 5 days a week. It was said in such a way that I feel he is going to take pleasure seeing me struggle. What a mean person. 

I can't take anymore. I know I'm going to be screwed financially when he moves but I'd rather live on ramen noodles than live under this strain. I don't want to be around him any longer.

I need him to move and take one of the dogs, and his piles of personal belongings stored all over the house and garage, with him. I told him this this morning and he was pissed. Like I was putting him out: "I can't take a dog, and I will have nowhere to store my stuff". Like its my problem. Its not. He wanted this divorce and has done NOTHING to work on our marriage, so he can live the consequences. Hotel California is closing its doors.

At this stage I want a divorce too. He is never going to take responsibility for his actions nor is he going to change.

I want to be over this and start to heal and move on.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Honey, kick him OUT. Today. Where he goes is not your problem.

I'm standing up and cheering for you right now. Yes, cheering. Standing up. I'm in Texas, which way should I face?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

kick his ass out!!!
best thing I ever did!
you'll be fine, because you have your head screwed on right - it might be a bit of a challenge financially but you'll feel a weight lift from your shoulders believe me
then you can concentrate on you and your child rather than have to deal with a man-baby too

:woohoo:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh wow! What an *******. My wife has been a stay at home mom for 16 years, and I know she will have a rough time of it if we end up divorcing, even when she asked me for a seperation, even when she told me I was not capable of living on my own, even when she told me I would be screwed without her, I never once said anything like that to her. I have no idea why people can be so mean. I hope you do not let it keep getting you down, and just throw his crap out onto the curb, and change the locks.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Well... he just left for work but before he went he had a rant at me. I'm upsetting his life. I'm not fair. I'm a *****.

He took the time to throw in a nasty barb about how I don't work...and all this is MY fault because I REFUSE to get a job. I've been looking for a job for over 6 mths and zilch.... No recent skills or references is making it very hard. I'm so tired of hearing this crap.

I'm so sick of his problems being guilt projected onto me. I'm so sick of being told I'm lazy and everything is my fault. I'm so sick of feeling like a piece of shvt every day. I wish he would go away right now and just leave me alone.

He just said he refuses to move out. I said I'll move to an apartment and he said "good luck with that". I can't move until I file for divorce and get a support order. I've already looked at apartments and because I've been a SAHM I have no income. All the apartments want at least a support order from the court. I HATE the situation I'm in. I hate it.... I have very little money because he closed our joint account and opened his own and his paycheck goes into that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Well... he just left for work but before he went he had a rant at me. I'm upsetting his life. I'm not fair. I'm a *****.
> 
> He took the time to throw in a nasty barb about how I don't work...and all this is MY fault because I REFUSE to get a job. I've been looking for a job for over 6 mths and zilch.... No recent skills or references is making it very hard. I'm so tired of hearing this crap.
> 
> ...


Oh my god what a d1ck! I am getting pi$$ed at him just reading this. Do you have any family or friends you can stay with for a while? Something...anything?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I want to come and sort him out!!! I'm in a belligerent mood today grrrrrrrrrrrr


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> He just said he refuses to move out. I said I'll move to an apartment and he said "good luck with that". I can't move until I file for divorce and get a support order. I've already looked at apartments and because I've been a SAHM I have no income. All the apartments want at least a support order from the court. I HATE the situation I'm in. I hate it.... I have very little money because he closed our joint account and opened his own and his paycheck goes into that.


BBT - I feel your pain.. My STBXAHOLE is also refusing to move, its a special kind of torture. He isn't being verbally abusive now but he has been. Anytime something about the divorce comes through the post or reminds him what is happening. 

It makes him feel better I suppose, blaming me for the mess he finds himself in now. I'm waiting for the next barrage of abuse when the decree absolute comes through in a week or so... 

You have to see him or what he is - a bully & a coward. You are better than him! So much better than him...

Let his words fuel your resolve to make a better life for yourself. Break it down into bite size chunks.. what is the first thing you want/need to do with YOUR life? 

Take control, let him stomp about shouting expletives at you, if you smile back and say something infuriating like I do. 

"Thank you for your opinion, when I want it I'll ask you for it.."

"When you can speak to me, calmly & rationally like an adult, I may be interested in what you say, otherwise say nothing to me - thanks " then I walk away..

Because my STBXAHOLE is a bully & an imbacille he cant handle a calm or considered response. I suggest yours wont be able to either..

Concentrate on you, don't let him turn you into a victim, start kicking & fight back!!

Good luck :smthumbup:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Family or friends? Ha! I moved to the USA 11 yrs ago to marry him. My entire family and friend network is in New Zealand.

As for friends, I have some girlfriends here but they are all married, have kids at home and no spare rooms. I wouldn't impose on them. I'm going to have to work this out myself. All I know is I am at the end of my emotional rope. I can't take even being in the same room as him any longer. I just want him gone. I want to be alone. I want my privacy. I want to rebuild my life. I want to get a job and be independent. I don't want his horrible words to haunt my dreams every night. I want to be me again.

Thinking about filing for div/legal sep. tomorrow and getting that court order. Then applying for an apartment.

It sucks because we will be breaking the lease on this house and I *really *didn't want that on my record.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I have learned about working things out myself, is that by myself does not have to mean alone.

Will it help to know that you have a lot of people here who want all the same things for you? And a good number of us want to come and make him see the errors of his ways, or at least just give him a good old fashioned ass kicking.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

UPDATE: Husband and I had a talk this morning. At last a talk with honesty, no anger or defensiveness being directed at me.

We mutually decided to file for legal separation. He has agreed to move out into a small apartment on a 6 mth lease and we agreed to implement a "6 month plan". Which means 6 months to see how things go without either amending the petition to divorce.

We both admitted we were not ready to shut the door on our marriage and he admitted he needs a lot more therapy and it doesn't happen overnight. 

I thought I would be upset but instead I am incredibly relieved. I feel great about this. We definitely both need space and time to work things through, with ourselves and each other. I personally think its the best course of action right now.

I hope we can work things out slowly, but if we don't I know I'll be ok...

Has anyone else done this?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok another update: My BPD husband has changed his mind yet again. Now divorce is the word. As of tonight. Seems our conversation this morning is yet again conveniently forgotten.

Is there anything honest that comes out of his mouth? Does any discussion with him not have a hidden agenda or nasty plan?

And he's sorry "its come to this". He stated he knew we both gave it our best. How pathetic. He didn't do a [email protected] damn thing, not a single thing to work on our marriage. Nada.. in fact he made it worse day by day until I couldn't take it any more. He loves to remind me how he is leaving me, but I see it now as I am leaving him.

I have tried. I have been honest and open and vulnerable to try to wait for him while he goes through therapy and try to save our marriage. All my honesty and vulnerability has been kicked right back in my face time and time again. I think everything he says to me is a lie to manipulate me.

I'm SO sick of this shyte. I'm so done.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

He's having an affair. That's what would happen to me and my wife. When we talked openly and honestly we could consider reconciliation or that we were rushing divorce. Then within hours it's all over because she got some input from the OM and strengthened her resolve.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

mule kick said:


> He's having an affair. That's what would happen to me and my wife. When we talked openly and honestly we could consider reconciliation or that we were rushing divorce. Then within hours it's all over because she got some input from the OM and strengthened her resolve.


Yeah definitely makes you think that something or someone else is having a powerful input in his decision making. Who the hell knows? His EA doesn't want to get involved with him in a PA, she has just strung him along for 20 yrs knowing she has him at her beck and call, and uses him for "emotional support" whenever she is in one of her personal crisis periods. I told him last year its her or me, he chose me (only temporarily.. another whole story) and her response was "you've made your choice". Weeks later he was grovelling back at her text message when she threatened suicide! Her response was go away, you chose her!! (me, his WIFE).

Its either her, another affair or he's just plain Borderline Personality Disorder which I have suspected for a long time he is, along with his mother, cousins, aunt. Love..hate....love...hate.. you're a [email protected]/you're the love of my life. I want a divorce/you are the most wonderful person I have ever met. Depending on the mood or time of day or whatever minor infraction I am unlucky enough to unwittingly bestow on him. Or I'm dealing with multiple personalities. It's crazy making. I can't stand it. I just want to be with, or in the current case, divorcing from someone who can make a decision, be comfortable with it and stick with it.

I'll end up in the nuthouse after dealing with him...


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

honestly, you need to get out of this toxic marriage
I had exactly the same thing - one minute I'm the most amazing person he's ever met and he hates himself for doing this to me, next minute it's all my fault
far too exhausting for my liking - I'm a pretty laid back individual and constantly walking on eggshells is emotionally draining
when you're out of it you'll look back and wonder what the hell you saw in him, believe me


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Dolly: Believe me I know what I'm dealing with. It still makes me nuts.

Only reason I've hung on this long is he is in therapy and tells me all the time that he is working on it.

The up and down, back and forth, I want a divorce, I don't want a divorce.... It's doing my head in.

The other reason I've hung on is because we have a special needs child together... it's going to be really hard on him, I cry whenever I think of what my son is going to endure.

One thing I never wanted in my life was for my child to grow up a product of a divorced family.

I can't wait for him to move. I can then start to relax and get back to being me!


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