# Husbands on dating sites



## flynpiggies1 (Jan 27, 2016)

What should I do?

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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

flynpiggies1 said:


> What should I do?
> 
> Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk


Does he know you know?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

flynpiggies1 said:


> What should I do?
> 
> Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk


Approach him in a factual manner. Let him know. Just listen. Try to save any judgement for later; this is for your emotional benefit.

Ask questions, but relay them as if you were a court reporter.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

flynpiggies1 said:


> What should I do?
> 
> Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk


I'd make a fake account and contact him, if he doesn't know you that you know. Otherwise he'll just try and squirm out of it but if you contact him, then you'll know what he's actually up to on there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agree with Lilac, set up a honey trap to see if he will take the bait. You should not let him know you know at this point. He may have just signed up out of curiosity (unlikely) or to get some real action (likely).
If he takes the bait, meet him and confront him then. Record everything, keep a copy of the online interaction and use VAR when you meet (if it happens). Alternatively ask a friend to stand in for you if he wants a meet and then surprise them. 

No married man should be on a dating website unless it's a very old account from before you met.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I disagree with telling him that you know he is on dating sites. He's up to no good. There is no excuse for a married person to be on dating sites. If you tell him that you know what he is up to, he will lie and take it underground.

What I did was to install a key logger on his computer. That way I found out exactly what he was up to. I got the passwords to his secret email accounts and all his online dating and chat accounts.

Once I had tons of evidence I confronted him. There was no way he could deny what I had evidence for. Of course he claimed that what I had found was all that there was.. he lied.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Me... Sit back and gather evidence, all that you can. How did you find out about the dating sites? Start protecting what is yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A honey trap is not enough. He can say that her fake user pursued him and it seemed so familiar , after all it was his wife, and he fell for her all over again.. (been there and hear that nonsense)

It is useful, but not enough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

flynpiggies1,

I merged your two threads into this one. Forum rules is one thread on a topic.

You will get better input with your story on one thread anyway.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sorry for crashing the ladies forum, I seen this thread title in the lobby and just wanted to read it and now if I may I'd just like to add to what has been said.

-Get a keylogger and print off every single word, chat, etc. he has on this site (or sites if there's multiple. There could be other sites, be sure to check before you confront).
-Set the honey trap for sure. Maybe set a few, he's likely on there looking for an ego boost as well as sex, so multiple interested women could persuade him to take the bait. If he's not on there for sex (unlikely) he shouldn't take the bait no matter how many traps you set.
-Have a friend stand in for whichever trap he takes if at all possible. Also if possible make it a friend he doesn't know so you can record whatever he says to her or tries to do with her. A coworker might work here as well.
-Once you have all the information, change all his passwords just before you confront him. He'll try to defend himself immediately after the confrontation, so block him as best you can. Don't forget to set up a dumby e-mail account for yourself that he knows nothing about and isn't link to anything of yours. Use that dumby account to change the password retrieval settigs on his accounts to, so there's no chance he can get back into his accounts by changing the password back. 
-Confront him with the VAR and other information. Just in case, bring someone along and do it in a semi-public place so he can't get overly angry if he's prone to outbursts.
-After you confront him, message all the other ladies he's been chatting up and advise them of what he's been doing. Try not to get to nasty while doing it, defamation could always be a risk if the divorce turns bitter and goes to court.
-And did I mention divorce? Unless there's some unforeseen legit reason he's on there (which will turn up in your honey traps most likely), be ready to walk away. You don't need a guy like that. Use the time while you are collecting your information to also get your affairs in order and find a place if you need one. Be sure to squirrel away some money for a lawyer and the basic necessities if possible.
-Finally, expose him to everyone in the family on both sides, and offer to share your VAR files and other documentation if anyone doubts your claims.
-Also, make a bunch of copies of that information as well and get a safe deposit box at a bank so you have a copy that he or any friends/family can never get their hands on either. Give copies to those you trust the most as well to keep for you. The more copies out there in secure locations, the harder it is for him to erase what he did. If it goes to court and you live in an at fault state, having saved copies could mean a huge difference in the outcome of your divorce financially and with property, as well as with children, if you have any.

Here's hoping its all a misunderstanding, but odds are it isn't. Good luck!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

:iagree:


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Any married man who is online 

best case he's only just signed up to check out who is there and being curious. Hopefully for your case he's not progressed to making contact.

If he's made contact with other women then prepare for the worst.

You need to snoop. DO NOT CONFRONT AT THIS POINT. LISTEN TO US. I don't care how much it's burning inside you, this is the time to be very calculating. If you make a mistake here, you won't get a redo. If you confront now, he'll say he was just looking, etc.

Do you have access to his computer? A keylogger will get you into the accounts on his PC. By far the best way to catch him if he's up to no good. This is the only way you'll likely get the full truth. If he has other accounts 

Look at his computer history. You should be able to see if he's getting messages to the dating inbox etc. 

Do you have access to his phone? Is it glued to his hip? 

You need to observe and see his computer and phone. Don't tip him off. Right now is your best chance to catch him being sloppy since he does not know you are on too him.

If you do confront because you can't get access to the phone or computer, the ONLY way is to demand immediately on the spot that he logs into the dating account. No "give me two minutes", absolutely on the spot. Be ready to argue because he'll be deer in the headlights. Tell him if you don't log into this account right now in front of me then this marriage is over. Don't let him BS you. But I'd work on getting the computer info first as that is the only way you'll get 100% of the truth.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
are you sure he is actually using online dating sites, not just had them pop up as spam when he was watching porn?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gather evidence, and once you have it, kick him out. His reaction to that will tell you whether R is worth it or not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Approach him in a factual manner. Let him know. Just listen. Try to save any judgement for later; this is for your emotional benefit.
> 
> Ask questions, but relay them as if you were a court reporter.


RT...are you a licensed therapist? No offense, but I find your advice to be off the mark every time....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> RT...are you a licensed therapist? No offense, but I find your advice to be off the mark every time....


I agree with 3X, if you are a RT your responses are often not practical and will bring no resolution. YOur responses are fine if you are dealing with well meaning individuals but if you are dealing with a potential cheater then you have to be al ot more savy than your advice indicates...sorry.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> A honey trap is not enough. He can say that her fake user pursued him and it seemed so familiar , after all it was his wife, and he fell for her all over again.. (been there and hear that nonsense)
> 
> It is useful, but not enough.


If you like Pina Coladas, getting stuck in the rain.
if you're not into Yoga, if you have half a brain....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I wouldn't waste time gathering evidence. For what? You know he is on dating sites...if you actually know this for a fact, you don't need to prove that to him. I would say you know, and he will lie...or make excuses...and I would get a lawyer, and start proceeding to leave him. I'm not one for drama, and making a lot of work for myself, when it comes to men who are players. You will spend a lot of time that could be put to better use by getting things in motion to end this farce, and move on. 

And tell him 'now you're freeeeee to be on any dating site you like, babe!' 

I'm sorry you are going through this. ((hug))


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## flynpiggies1 (Jan 27, 2016)

Husband is definitely on dating sites and is trying to communicate with these woman. Any one know of a good lawyer in the inland empire?

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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Flyinpiggie

Depending on your decisions, the course of action should determine what you do. 
If you are in a state where infidelity means absolutely nothing in a divorce settlement, then you do not need to "prove" anything to anyone but yourself. You asked for an attorney recommendation, so when you find one you have confidence in listen to what they tell you.

I will caution you that if you decide that being on dating sites and having NOT acted yet as far as hooking up may NOT be a total deal breaker for you, then you do NOT wait to confront. There are many cases where BS finds out before anything actually physically happens but wither through paralysis, shock , or some other reasons refuses to act and then it happens in real time right in front of them. That makes R much harder.

If you husband is actively trying to hook up, unless you have real time spywarev in place, it can happen before you have a chance to give him the opportunity to stop it and come clean. That is fine if you can stand sitting and being a spectator. And then you will get the bull **** about them not having sex.

Right now your husband is actively engaged in what I would call is a big time EA mode that he will turn PA if he gets the opportunity. And understand it is much easier for women to hook up on these sites than men. Probably whatever site he is on, and I know a little about this because my WW used the most famous one, there are a lot more men chasing these women than vice versa.

So your big decisions are
(1) if it stops where it is, is it still a total deal breaker???
(2) how much mental anguish can you take "waiting" and watching?
(3) what are YOUR terms and expectations if you confront?

Now, nothing wrong with seeing an attorney to find out your rights. But you still have some crucial decisions to make that only you can decide.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

flynpiggies1 said:


> Husband is definitely on dating sites and is trying to communicate with these woman. Any one know of a good lawyer in the inland empire?
> 
> Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk




What has been happening during the last six months?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you printed out the evidence?


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## Staisha (Sep 20, 2016)

I think you need to talk to him.


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

So, what has been going on since January?


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