# How long does it take to get rid of the disgust and mistrust???



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

How am I supposed to R with my WH if being around him makes me feel physically sick? Looking at him makes me want to vomit.

I feel in my bones that I will never be able to trust him again, and I am wondering, how is that any way to live? Who can live with that? I feel I will always be looking over his shoulder, whenever he is out of sight, wondering if he is doing it again.

How long does it take to get rid of these feelings, if at all, when you are attempting to R with a wandering spouse?

Also, for the ones that think the "fell in love" with their AP, how long does it take for them to come out of their fog and see just how ridiculous their "love" really was?


----------



## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

Ok.. so here is mine..

took me 2 months to eat again

9 months stop crying daily

1 year to pick myself up off the ground and start normal life

18 months before i had my first day that it didnt cross my mind

and now close to 2 years im living normal again as "me"... but my marriage is ehhhhhhhhh, just ok now for me. 

I'm sure there are better R out there, but for me, it has been a very long difficult road that i wouldnt have taken had it not been for my children.

Hang in there.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I wish I knew.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful but I am wondering all of the above too. I hate that he has changed the esteem I held for him in my mind and heart. A week before D-Day, I was bragging about what a great dad he has been over the years and when I found out, he killed my son's father. A great dad shouldn't do these things to the mother of his children. A great dad wouldn't run away like a scared pup with his tail behind his legs upon being scolded for getting caught. I also hate some of the things I came across because some things just can't be unseen. I am angry and I hate that I've lost respect for him as a man.

How can I feel safe and secure with a man who is not stronger than me?

Sorry, didn't want to hijack your thread and I wish I could be more helpful. I just wanted to say that I can relate.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Some people never get over it. It depends a lot on how the WS acts.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

38m3kids said:


> Ok.. so here is mine..
> 
> took me 2 months to eat again
> 
> ...


Thank you sos much for this info, I was begining to think I was going nuts because I stil had some bad days (8.5 months since I discovered and 3 months since the "spose reconciliation process" ended)!


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

brokenmama said:


> How am I supposed to R with my WH if being around him makes me feel physically sick? Looking at him makes me want to vomit.
> 
> I feel in my bones that I will never be able to trust him again, and I am wondering, how is that any way to live? Who can live with that? I feel I will always be looking over his shoulder, whenever he is out of sight, wondering if he is doing it again.
> 
> ...


My 2nd DDay was 18th May. I still feel physically sick sometimes when I see or think about my WW and, although our sex life took right off again with 6 weeks of hysterical bonding, the last 2 weeks have been getting more difficult for me.

So, for what it's worth I have no idea what the answers are to your questions and all I can say is: You're not alone.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sometimes, it takes forever. All depends on the person doing the forgiving.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Sometimes, it takes forever. All depends on the person doing the forgiving.


It does not take forever if BOTH do their part. True repentance, forgiving, and Actions including walking the walk not just talking the talk will make a huge difference.

If you are going at this half AZZ then forever is the right word.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am sorry you are hurting. I do not recall feeling disgusted, just very, very sad for a long time.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brokenmama, just to offer some insight from one who didn't R, I still deal with those same trust issues, disgust, disappointment and sadness even though I let my ex W go. Through D or R I am still human and I still suffered a loss and I will follow my own timeline to heal. My timeline has been a lot like 38m3kids, I'm a year and a half from D-day, separated almost as long, legally divorced 6 months, and like her almost 2 months of lost appetite, 9 months of unpredictable crying, approx a year to decided to pick myselfg up, but it feels less defined to me (I think I have lots more work to do on myself) and feeling like I'm on the brink of starting to live normal again.

What you are feeling is the same grief all betrayed spouses feel whether they D or R... that choice is not one that stems from purely emotions, the choice of R comes from two people who truly want to be married to each other and who believe that sticking it out together through this painful grieving part is just a speedbump to a better life together in the future.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

16 months past D-day here. Male, known my wife 27 years.

I have had a rough week. Just started IC again. My wife told me she actually can see the disgust in my eyes when we have a discussion from time to time.

I had tears in my eyes yesterday and today as well. I am still trying to accept the fact that it happended and that this is who my wife really is and that my wonderfull life turns out very much different than what I imagined. 

It's still tough for us. We try to get along, but I am kind of "scared" that she has set up some schedule for an exit (ie. when kids get older). If that's the case, I would rather split now. I say IF, because trust issues.... oh, yes. I will never be able to trust her the same again.

I know in my mind that I have to let go, so that I can be a husband worth being with (I thought I was). Otherwise I might just leave anyway, the outcome will be the same.

So, just to say... you will probably have a long and bumpy road ahead of you (assuming your D-day was recently?). And you will need to make the *choice* to let go of resentment.

I think I have read somewhere that the time it takes for WS to "forget" OW/OM is equal to the time the affair lasted. I suspect there may be a minimum time, though.


----------



## Kathy Jackson (Aug 29, 2012)

Good question. I wish I had an answer for myself and for you.

There are some days I'm totally disgusted and feel like my husband is nothing more than a cheating liar, some days I think I can be okay with it...then some days I feel bad for him and think that he just made a mistake.

I try not to allow myself to feel the latter, because it just minimizes what he did.

I hope you find some sort of peace soon, though!


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ha!

A lot of factors come into play.

If you are looking for a R story, please go through AlmostRecovered's story. In his case, his wife was remorsful.

The sense of belonging.

WS's remorsefuless.

Successful R require a lot of weightlifting from WS.

Patience.

Time, something like 2 years.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I agree with a above poster....does anyone else feel like they (WS)are just "biding" time until they can exit in a stronger position? Perhaps that is one of the fears that forms when your spouse had a affair. Nothing worse than death by a thousand cuts.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Some people never get over it. * It depends a lot* *on how the WS acts.*


So true.


----------



## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Agree with all the sentiments. A year on I still choke on a daily basis. 

Trust is the biggest issue. My wife is not really remorseful and that's the bit that hurts the most. 

I'd echo the sentiment on an exit strategy. Thinking she is biding time is a real fear. I think I'll get over that eventually but I know it will be a long hard road. 

I'll make it, I know that now, just not sure if we'll make it.


----------



## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

It has been 2 years and 9 months since DD. Even though my husband has not done anything to make me not trust him, I can honestly say that I am not sure I will ever totally trust him again. How is possible when the one person who is suppose to love, honor, and cherish you -- is the one who rips your world apart. Trust is something that is earned and when it is broken, I don't think you can ever really get it back 100 percent. At least I haven't at this point in time.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Don't know about reconciliation, but as far as "trust" goes:
NEVER


----------



## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband's cheating has both made me a better person and also taken something away from me. Its made me a better person because it has opened my eyes to my flaws, but as much as I want to work on my weaknesses so the marriage is better, I just cant forget, Im so insecure, Im not sure if my husband is still cheating but whether he is or not its all the same to me, I feel like what matters is that I react maturely for the sake of the kids. What kills me is the 'waiting' for second episode, I dont know if that'll go away, does it?


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Bafuna said:


> My husband's cheating has both made me a better person and also taken something away from me. Its made me a better person because it has opened my eyes to my flaws, but as much as I want to work on my weaknesses so the marriage is better, I just cant forget, Im so insecure, Im not sure if my husband is still cheating but whether he is or not its all the same to me, I feel like what matters is that I react maturely for the sake of the kids. What kills me is the 'waiting' for second episode, I dont know if that'll go away, does it?


The waiting will most likely never end. But keep your focus on self, improve yourself, work to accept yourself as you are, which is perfectly OK. 

This way you will be stronger should there eventually be another case of infidelity, you will be strong enough to handle it and leave an uncompatible person who sees life and relationships differently.


----------



## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

38m3kids said:


> Ok.. so here is mine..
> 
> took me 2 months to eat again
> 
> ...


I told my wife today that the next time I can go an entire day without thinking about it would be the best day of my life. I am truly hoping that day comes.. It has been a little over 4 months since I found out what was going on and every day has been a nightmare. I feel like I am in a pit that has no sides and nothing can get me out of it. The thoughts are always popping into my head and there is always another question that needs to be asked.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

A year out, still in complete total pain.


----------



## Market (Sep 5, 2012)

Going on 6 months since DDay. Yesterday I could hardly function. Today is not much better. 2 weeks ago had a string of good days & thought I was turning the corner. So I guess I have no idea what to expect tomorrow- although we have a MC session tonight- should be a real blast -NOT!


----------



## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

38m3kids said:


> I'm sure there are better R out there, but for me, it has been a very long difficult road that i wouldnt have taken had it not been for my children.
> 
> Hang in there.


I hope I'm not forcing this off topic from the op but I was curious, is this a common mentality? I'm not questioning why you would go through it for the kids, I'm wondering if anybody feels that their R has been worth it in a situation where kids weren't part of the equation?


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I know I'm still here cause I don't want to upset my kids' lives anymore than they've already been. One is in high school, the other in middle. I personally think it would have been easier if he had confessed when he did it, nine years ago. They weren't in school, so much easier to move on.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

for me:
april 6th for the discovery
may 5th for the "truth" (timeframe, length of A) to come out
june 11th for more truth to come out (depth of her feelings for OM and discovery of contiunued contact with OM) and hopefully that was it.
for me it has gotten better. trust? not so much, but i try.
i asked if she was completely honest with me about timeframe and everything and really committed to our marriage and FIXING it, now.
she assured me she was.
so i told her "in that case, i forgive you".
saying those words, and more importantly, MEANING IT, lifted a lot of the weight from me.
dont get me wrong. i still think about it. but it has also helped me see and focus on where i was wrong in our marriage, and those things i am constantly fixing about myself.
i still get angry. like REAL angry. but i keep that to myself and see it as an opportunity to fix myself, to fix and control my temper.
i know it will take a long time to trust her fully. 
i didnt marry her because i thought we would be in high cotton and having a perfect life forever.
but i did marry her for better or worse and i made that promise to her and our friends and family.
it will take a long time.
she is remorseful. she KNOWS the anguish i go through on a daily basis.
like an early poster said, hang in there.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

With my ex I never got over it until I started feeling for somebody else. My ex left me, and I cried for over a year. I lost 15 pounds in the first month. I started talking to somebody else, and we just clicked. 

After I clicked with this person, even though we were only talking for 3 days, the connection was there. I stopped hurting. I've never been able to completely trust anybody again though.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

What? Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! 
(Bluto, Animal House, 78)

Bluto's right. Psychotic... but absolutely right. (Otter, Animal House, 78)


----------

