# why does the cheater become so mean?



## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

After 7.5 years living together, my partner had an affair last year ....he became very verbally abusive and eventually I threw him out in December after discovering a hotel bill.
Since then, I had 3 months of him denying everything and pleading to come home, saying he would prove his whereabouts......then the affair was proven mid March.
His pleading to come home stopped immediately and he although he said he wanted to try to reconcile, his efforts lacked feeling and I discovered he was still seeing the other woman - as friends........

Fast forward to July and I became increasingly upset by his lack of warmth, his mean behaviour and his attempt to throw the blame on me for his cheating. We couldn't seem to talk about things, it was all about him and things going on in his life. 

Revenge started to come into my mind and I found that the only way I could get a reaction from him was to threaten to expose the affair at work - he is very senior in his role and she was a young girl 20 years his junior. I discovered that getting him to worry about exposure was the only way I could seemingly get him to hurt - just a fraction of the hurt I had been feeling. It wasn't a dignified way to behave and although I soon realised I couldn't be so hateful as to blow his career apart, seeing him squirm a little was satisfying.

So fast forward.......how is this for a remorseful, sorry partner.......

As he was adamant that he did not want to try again, I asked for us to sort out our finances. We had a perfectly open discussion (backed up in writing) and he told me what would be reasonable - I agreed. At NO point did I make any link to the threats to expose his affair. I left his house, where he had made me tea, and went home normally.....

Two days later...i received a letter from his lawyer accusing me of blackmail!! Apparently I had tried to pull his house from him and used the threat of exposure to get what I wanted!!!!! Also, apparently, my allegations of the affair are completely untrue and if I tell his employer, I would have a civil case for damages on my hands!!

I did NOT do this, I have blackmailed noone (as then proved by my own lawyer) - I certainly made no link between sorting our finances and the affair.....this is all in his head and as if he hasn't done enough to hurt me, he now does it again!!

So my question is HOW a man/woman can love someone and then cheat ....and then treat their former partner so incredibly cruelly. 

Am now in no contact - again!!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

He sounds like an idiot and you're better off without him. Hopefully you're done for good.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

It's done to blameshift so they can relieve their guilt, or at least make them feel like you deserved to be cheated on and they are not a bad person for doing it. They have convinced themselves you are a horrible person so they can justify their ****ty behavior. Them being mean is the manifestation of their thought process. Basically they brainwash themselves.

ETA: Pull out the stops and burn this **** weasel to the ground. Get your lawyer to go for the jugular after the false accusations.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

abbie666 said:


> After 7.5 years living together, my partner had an affair last year ....he became very verbally abusive and eventually I threw him out in December after discovering a hotel bill.
> Since then, I had 3 months of him denying everything and pleading to come home, saying he would prove his whereabouts......then the affair was proven mid March.
> His pleading to come home stopped immediately and he although he said he wanted to try to reconcile, his efforts lacked feeling and I discovered he was still seeing the other woman - as friends........
> 
> ...


*Just hook him up with my lying, sniveling, mattress-jumping RSXW! She'll have no problem showing him the true definition of the word "mean!"*


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Abbie,

Why does the cheater become so mean, one reason I think is that when a person cheats they revert to their adolescent / early teens state of mental development. 

It's like the way teens get so angry at their parents for curtailing their freedom while expecting their parents to pay the bills and provide everything at the same time. Except they get mad at their spouse for not providing a home base to give their affair it's excitement. 

Without a spouse an affair usually turns into an ill advised relationship and the thrill of secrecy is gone.

Tamat


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In response to his lawyer you should have said, if he had no affair there should be no problem. If he did have an affair, I hope you attack his HR with the same bullying crap you have sent me. F off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could write this letter to his solicitor/Lawyer:

"Dear Sirs, without prejudice, I note your letter of (DATE) and have taken note of your allegations.

Please be aware that I will not accept any further correspondence from you or your company.

If you or my husband wish to communicate with me, please only do so by way of professional communications with my solicitor/lawyer.

Any further correspondence to me at my home address will be considered as harassment and my own solicitor/lawyer will be instructed accordingly.

Yours,

Etc."


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Guilt. They know on a certain level that they are miserable and broken.
In a way, it's that they are mad at themselves and mad at the world.

You just happen to be the victim through which they express their misery and unhappiness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

abbie666 said:


> After 7.5 years living together, my partner had an affair last year ....he became very verbally abusive and eventually I threw him out in December after discovering a hotel bill.
> Since then, I had 3 months of him denying everything and pleading to come home, saying he would prove his whereabouts......then the affair was proven mid March.
> His pleading to come home stopped immediately and he although he said he wanted to try to reconcile, his efforts lacked feeling and I discovered he was still seeing the other woman - as friends........
> 
> ...


Don't try to understand the mentally ill.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

"Dear Board of Directors..."


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## billbird2111 (Feb 14, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> Guilt. They know on a certain level that they are miserable and broken.
> In a way, it's that they are mad at themselves and mad at the world.
> 
> You just happen to be the victim through which they express their misery and unhappiness.


This, this and this. So much this. The cheater is angry because you caused them to go out, have an affair, and destroy the relationship. Therefore, you are to blame. That's how the anger happens.

Heck, anytime I speak to my ex, which isn't very often (my choice), I can hear the anger in her voice. So, guess what? I just don't talk to her. Period. At all. About anything.

Pretty soon she's going to realize everything she just chucked away. It won't be long now.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Narcissistic cheating POS relish hurting other people to make themselves look better. Hopefully the court date is very public and very thorough. For the love of God, please shred this bastard! My letter would start, Dear HR.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Get a lawyer and proceed to untangle your finances. I assume by the word "partner" you mean you shared a home, and if so, surely there is evidence of that.

He and his lawyer are attempting to bully you, and you need an advocate familiar with such tactics and the law.

I understand feeling the need to try to understand the how's and whys. Promise yourself to not subconsciously make achieving that understanding a prerequisite for moving on, or for getting fair treatment. It's him, not you, responsible for his behavior but he and his lawyer will try to make you feel responsible every chance they get. Keep clear in your mind that HE is responsible for his behavior, even if you have yet to figure out the how's and whys that made him open to doing that to you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The answer is really quite simple - It's because they suck. 

They are not nice, decent people. 

They are very selfish and will pursue their own interests without regards to who they hurt in the process. 

They are fake-nice to people who can do something for them or to them. 

They use people who provide them something they want (sex, money, social status, advancement in career, impress peers etc etc) 

If those people stop providing what they want or if they decide they no longer want or need what they provide, they are disposed of. 

Learn to trust your own eyes and your own experiences. The people at the "Chumplady" website (which I highly recommend you check out) have a term for this. That term is "Trust that they suck."

You are often compelled to think that they are good because they are often good looking, charming, successful and people seem to think they are good. But when you see with your own eyes how disordered and mean and cold and calculating and disconnected they really are -believe what you see. Trust that they suck.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I agree with them reverting back to a teen state of mind.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think angry cheaters are angry you're still around, "interfering" with their lives, when they just want to shed you like dead weight. You're not as exciting, or interesting, or thrilling as the AP, and you are most definitely in the way.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

I agree with all of you, thank you....

The irony is that the email I wrote to worry him was addressed to his HR and CEO and Board of Directors.... I threatened to send it several times as it was only then that he actually engaged with me and tried to listen to my point of view but I never sent it. HOWEVER, last week, ( he had seen solicitor but I hadn't received the letter at this point) when I sent him the copy of the draft, he assumed I had actually sent it (!!!!) and so tried to preempt trouble at work by sending it himself to HR and his boss!!!!!!!!

Hence now (he says, however I am not certain I believe anything!) he is in trouble at work and will not forgive me for damaging his career!!!!!!!! 

Meanwhile, the letter I received from the solicitor is indicative of a bully and full of threats of his own! ie, it would be a shame if he stopped paying the bills etc if I were to circulate these untrue allegations further!

I am not allowed to communicate with him (shame!) while the investigation at work is ongoing- and so not certain how we are to proceed on that basis financially. I will just do nothing!

I have never ever met someone who tells so many lies about everything and everyone. 

Being mean on one hand whilst saying he wants to be nice but cannot bring himself to engage....on the other.

The man is a fruitcake.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Count yourself fortunate. 

A better life awaits.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Hurting a good person causes severe cognitive dissonance.
The easy solution is to figure out why they are actually terrible people.
That's the path most people take after they commit the hurtful act.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

abbie666 said:


> I agree with all of you, thank you....
> 
> The irony is that the email I wrote to worry him was addressed to his HR and CEO and Board of Directors.... I threatened to send it several times as it was only then that he actually engaged with me and tried to listen to my point of view but I never sent it. HOWEVER, last week, ( he had seen solicitor but I hadn't received the letter at this point) when I sent him the copy of the draft, he assumed I had actually sent it (!!!!) and so tried to preempt trouble at work by sending it himself to HR and his boss!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


He sent the letter to HR? What a bonehead. Companies are paranoid of lawsuits and scandal. This is why I've never understood why people in a position of authority have affairs with a subordinate. I know more than one person who have wrecked careers doing it. 

Part of why the get mean in affair land is they focus on all the negative aspects of a spouse. It's just a variation of the self justification they do in order to have an affair. This is why BS suddenly start hearing about problems from years ago, most are small issues but they need to focus on negative so now it's a huge problem. It's really hard to think a spouse is great and carry on an affair so they need to "demonize" the spouse.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I had two folks sitting across from one another. He steadfastly refused to listen . When she talked, he would talk over her. She was getting frustrated, and my team was doing its best to get things out on the table. She made a point, and he just kept interrupting. 

Finally as he was talking over her, she withdrew a small hammer from her purse and smacked his hand, well, after the scream and before he went to the ER, she says to him, I finally found a way for you to STFU. He stared and definitely was frightened. So he says, you can say your piece. She says, smiling sweetly, my full intentions will be to use every means at my disposal to end this dogs breakfast of a marriage, if I have to break every bone in your body, and your lawyers body to do so.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Taxman said:


> I had two folks sitting across from one another. He steadfastly refused to listen . When she talked, he would talk over her. She was getting frustrated, and my team was doing its best to get things out on the table. She made a point, and he just kept interrupting.
> 
> Finally as he was talking over her, she withdrew a small hammer from her purse and smacked his hand, well, after the scream and before he went to the ER, she says to him, I finally found a way for you to STFU. He stared and definitely was frightened. So he says, you can say your piece. She says, smiling sweetly, my full intentions will be to use every means at my disposal to end this dogs breakfast of a marriage, if I have to break every bone in your body, and your lawyers body to do so.


I think she should just have said what she felt. Why hold back that way? >


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