# After 23 years he still cannot forgive me ?!?



## Baubles (Feb 22, 2010)

Hi. I'm pretty new here, found this site a few days ago and have been reading and learning so much.

My problem is that my husband cannot forgive me for something I did over 23 years ago. 23+ years ago while engaged to my husband. I kissed someone else. It was a foolish, stupid thing I did. It was the stupidity of youth, maybe a little scared of getting married, I dunno.....it was the dumbest thing I ever did. I regretted it and told him about it after it happened. To make a long story short, we ended up getting married. The problem is over the past 23 years, I have been saying I am sorry again and again. Every time we get into an argument, he brings it up. I have tried to make it up to him again and again. I just don't know what to do at this point. There is a lot more to this story and I'm not sure how much to tell, but along the path of our marriage, my husband also had an affair. After it happened, I sort of felt - well, I deserved what I got and now the playing field is finally level. It took me years to get over his indiscretion, but I think it's finally behind me. The problem is, my husband still brings up what I did again and again. I'm at the point now, where I don't feel guilty anymore, I am more angry than anything. He has told me that the reason he is still upset is because "It's ok for men to have affairs, because we are men, but it's not ok for women". He's told me that he is only staying around because of our 3 kids. He hasn't come out and said as much, but from filling in all the pieces of his actions and words it sounds to me like he is just biding his time until the kids are grown, and he will make his get-away. 

There's so much more to this story. I don't know where to fit this all in, but my husband also has an addictive personality. He's gone from smoking pot, to being addicted to porn. Every few years his addictions change. This year he's into heavy drinking. He hasn't worked a job for years. He tells me he does all of this because he can't get over what I've done to him.

He's just plain mean to me. There are so many instances where he's just been plain cruel. The most recent thing he's done is planned a 'family' vacation with the kids to visit his Grandmother down South, and did not invite me. He told me after making all the arrangements and specifically said "I am taking the children on a FAMILY vacation". No mention of me at all in any of that. I am just supposed to figure out that I am not invited. I am so sad and hurt. I try to put on a happy face and pretend things are ok, but after a while of being hurt again and again I reach a breaking point, and I get totally angry and everything comes pouring out at him in a big fight. I have tried talking to him about my feelings, but all he tells me is that I am being 'uber-sensitive' and all I do is talk about myself. I just don't know what to do to even begin to sort out this mess of a life.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

His actions sound very extreme. As in, the punishment does not fit the crime. 

Have you two ever been to therapy? It sounds like he personally could use it. He's definitely got some issues going on. Maybe he's clinically depressed?


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## Baubles (Feb 22, 2010)

My husband has been in therapy for years. He has had several psychiatrists actually tell him they couldn't help him. They give him the name of someone else, and he starts all over again with someone new. He's been on various anti-depressants over the years. We have been to couples therapy but it didn't really help. He goes through the motions of therapy, but didn't really invest too much of himself into any of it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

This is not normal, he is being cruel. He has issues and is only using your indiscretion as an excuse for his own poor (and far worse behavior). Now I do not advocate the "now we are even" principal. But let's face it, you kissed a guy, prior to being married, 23 years ago, and you confessed. If that is all my husband did, 23 years ago, I'd have forgotten it. Yours should have forgotten it as well. 

It is NOT ok for men to have affairs. You need to take control of what happens to you. It is not ok for him to plan vacations and take your kids without you. It is not only not fair to you but to your kids as well. 

So you need to figure out if this is even worth saving. I know there is a lot more to the story as you mentioned but frankly I don't see any reason to stay with him. Having children with him is not a good enough reason. 

If you decide he is worth it then there have to be some ground rules and being addicted to porn, having affairs, and mentally abusing you are against the rules. Furthermore, he had the affair and kissing another man isn't near as bad but even if you'd had an affair its not right to "pay back" and he's just a jerk if he thinks its ok for men.

If I were you, I'd see an attorney. Figure out what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids' rights. Then if he's worth it and willing (he doesn't sound like it which is why I'm telling you to prepare) then you serve him with an order to vacate if that's allowed in your state. Again, speak to an attorney. Do not leave him without the kids, in some states that is abandonment, so get with an attorney. If finances are an issues, contact your local church or there are many single mother's private organizations and you might even get free legal advice. (Here in my state I googled "single mothers groups" found a wonderful one I attended and due to so many messy divorces these ladies knew the laws and we had one social worker and an attorney in the group. I went for the support, which you need also by the way.)

Its time you found out what marriage should really be like and marriage is something where you respect each other, can share with one another, and love and are loved in return. Not biding one's time until kids grow up. Why not just end it now. You could be happily involved with someone else by that time. Kids are resilient, they want their mother to be happy.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

I'm far from a professional, but I do read a lot. From a distance and not knowing all the facts, it sounds like he may have some type of personality disorder, where his walls are up so high that most therapy won't get through. It kind of sounds like Borderline Personality. It sounds like he has chosen to be emotionally dead. This is not a good place to be, and quite frankly there is nothing that can be done unless he makes a very CONSCIOUS effort to open up and change his life for the better. 

Does he ever admit to not feeling emotions about something he should be feeling emotions for? 

Also, was there a traumatic event in his childhood? What were his parents like? If his mother was overly emotional and/or his dad was a cold/non-emotional person, he may be even more at risk for Borderline Personality or Narcissism.

Addition: If he does have a personality disorder, and shows no signs on wanting to change, then there is nothing you or a professional could do. At this point, I'd say start looking investing more in YOU and less in him. Like AZMOM says, get a lawyer and protect yourself. You deserve better!


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## Baubles (Feb 22, 2010)

He had a very hard childhood. He was sexually and emotionally abused by both parents. His parents were parents in name only. They were only out for themselves and he and his sister were pretty much left on their own while their parents were out 'doing their own thing'. He was told that he has post-traumatic stress disorder because of the things he experienced as a child. He was also told that he would pretty much never be 'normal'. I always thought that eventually 'love' would get through to him, and I think that's why I stayed so long, but I am beginning to view things differently.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it's healthy for you. I think you deserve to invest in yourself and your relationship with your children for a while.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

You need to take care of yourself. It sounds like he needs some serious help. You said he blames his messed up life on his past. You need to think about your kids. If this is effecting them then it might be better to get them away from this bad atmosphere. I agree with AZMOMOFTWO. Draw the line in the sand and if he wont change protect your kids and yourself. Dont be afraid to ask for help. Those that give it understand and are glad to do so. Good luck. Best wishes.........


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Baubles said:


> He had a very hard childhood. He was sexually and emotionally abused by both parents. His parents were parents in name only. They were only out for themselves and he and his sister were pretty much left on their own while their parents were out 'doing their own thing'. He was told that he has post-traumatic stress disorder because of the things he experienced as a child. He was also told that he would pretty much never be 'normal'. I always thought that eventually 'love' would get through to him, and I think that's why I stayed so long, but I am beginning to view things differently.


Ok, this is not about your affair at all, he is dealing with some very traumatic issues. He does need professional help. He's never come to terms with it, so the walls are up, and you are not equipped to help him completely.This is not your typical situation. Yes, sometimes love will get through but he needs more. My guess is though that he does not want to seek that help. In that case, I suggest you be very open and tell him that his behavior towards you is wrong and you can't live like that. If he's willing to work on it you will work with him but if not, then that's it. So sorry there are such people who would screw up children so badly like his parents!


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Ok, this is not about your affair at all, he is dealing with some very traumatic issues. He does need professional help. He's never come to terms with it, so the walls are up, and you are not equipped to help him completely.This is not your typical situation. Yes, sometimes love will get through but he needs more. My guess is though that he does not want to seek that help. In that case, I suggest you be very open and tell him that his behavior towards you is wrong and you can't live like that. If he's willing to work on it you will work with him but if not, then that's it. So sorry there are such people who would screw up children so badly like his parents!


:iagree: 100%


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