# trust issue



## logicallyillogical (Jul 19, 2014)

I had an ex friend request me on facebook. This has happened before, but I just decline. This time I accidentally accepted and my wife saw a post. Needless to say she was extremely upset. Not that it had showed up, but because it happened before and I didn't tell her. In my head I was trying to protect her (and myself) from undue stress and an argument. This assumption is based on her mental illness, but was not for me to decide - I'm not a doctor and I'm not her filter. It is likely she would not have been mad at all. I kept this secret because I considered it a non issue. I have no desire to be anyone other than my wife, period. I know that secrets shouldn't be kept on a marriage, and now my wife has warranted feelings of trust. I'm not asking for advice on what to do, that's for me and my wife to figure out. I'm just curious what others think about the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was this friend a woman? I'm assuming it is.

When you friend a person on Facebook you an immediately unfriend them. How long did you leave this person as a friend? How often did you exchange any posting with them?

A person being upset that their spouse is making opposite sex friends on Facebook has nothing to do with any mental illness. Most people get upset by this.


----------



## logicallyillogical (Jul 19, 2014)

It was a woman. As I said when this happened before I immediately declined without a thought. This time I accepted by accident - no conversation no posting. I had no idea I had accepted until my wife called me about 10 minutes later. My wife is also on facebook, so I was not trying to friend anyone without her knowing. As I mentioned in my post, this ex is someone I would not want as a friend or otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

logicallyillogical said:


> I had an ex friend request me on facebook. This has happened before, but I just decline. This time I accidentally accepted and my wife saw a post. Needless to say she was extremely upset. *Not that it had showed up, but because it happened before and I didn't tell her.* In my head I was trying to protect her (and myself) from undue stress and an argument. This assumption is based on her mental illness, but was not for me to decide - I'm not a doctor and I'm not her filter. It is likely she would not have been mad at all. I kept this secret because I considered it a non issue. I have no desire to be anyone other than my wife, period. *I know that secrets shouldn't be kept on a marriage, and now my wife has warranted feelings of trust. *I'm not asking for advice on what to do, that's for me and my wife to figure out. I'm just curious what others think about the issue.


What happened before? For how long? Why did not you tell her?

It sounds like this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Is that right?


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

If you friend someone by accident, just unfriend and be done with it. 
If something is, as you say, a nonissue then it seems there would be no reason to keep it secret. Keeping something secret makes it an issue. 
For some couples having Facebook friends of the opposite sex is fine. For other couples a strict no-no. That is for each couple to work out. 
A person feeling jealous because a spouse has friended an ex is a natural feeling and one doesn't ave to be mentally ill to feel that way. 
Feels like we aren't getting the whole story.


----------



## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

Maneo said:


> If you friend someone by accident, just unfriend and be done with it.
> If something is, as you say, a nonissue then it seems there would be no reason to keep it secret. Keeping something secret makes it an issue.
> For some couples having Facebook friends of the opposite sex is fine. For other couples a strict no-no. That is for each couple to work out.
> A person feeling jealous because a spouse has friended an ex is a natural feeling and one doesn't ave to be mentally ill to feel that way.
> Feels like we aren't getting the whole story.


:iagree: :iagree:


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

be transparent for your wife.

Give her all your passwords to phone, and computer.

Tell her the truth. tell her you will take a polygraph test to satisfy her.

Then would she like to go out to dinner, and what is her favorite perfume?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

logicallyillogical said:


> I had an ex friend request me on facebook. This has happened before, but I just decline. This time I accidentally accepted and my wife saw a post. Needless to say she was extremely upset. Not that it had showed up, but because it happened before and I didn't tell her. In my head I was trying to protect her (and myself) from undue stress and an argument. This assumption is based on her mental illness, but was not for me to decide - I'm not a doctor and I'm not her filter. It is likely she would not have been mad at all. I kept this secret because I considered it a non issue. I have no desire to be anyone other than my wife, period. I know that secrets shouldn't be kept on a marriage, and now my wife has warranted feelings of trust. I'm not asking for advice on what to do, that's for me and my wife to figure out. I'm just curious what others think about the issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Transparency is the best way of thwarting social media trust IMO. If she doesn't trust you then maybe her having the password would ease her mind.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I just tried the friending thing on FB because I forgot how it works. I had someone send me a friend request and went from there. 

First, it notifies you. Click the notification bar. Blue confirm button, grey decline button. "Accidentally" click confirm. The notification bar stays up saying you're friends with a button to instantly unfriend them.

If you were doing this on a mobile phone, the process would be the same, only an extra notification pops up saying you are now friends with this person. 

So, assuming this was indeed an accidental acceptance, you can unfriend immediately. 

Either way, why were you lying to your wife? You should have told her, then messaged the ex in front of your wife telling them to leave you alone. Further, you can block people on FB completely.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Deactivate the account...might solve the problem.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Deactivate the account...might solve the problem.


I would agree. I don't really see the issue with this but I am not a sit on all day Facebook kind person and neither is my GF. But putting myself in your shoes if my Gf accidentally friended an ex lover and said to me hey he tried before and I said no and this was just an accident than that would be ok by me....I don't see that as a lie by omission. Just didn't mean anything to her which is rather encouraging actually.

If you and yours are so sensitive about a friend request I agree with Richie just deactivate the accounts, both of them, and avoid the issues all together.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I see no problem with people having opposite gender friends on FB as long as they are not flirting or anything.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I see no problem with people having opposite gender friends on FB as long as they are not flirting or anything.


I think the problem is that his wife doesn't want him to friend any EX. Not so much a gender thing.


----------



## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

Do you have a history of this sort of thing, or is this an isolated incident?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

logicallyillogical said:


> I had an ex friend request me on facebook. This has happened before, but I just decline. This time I accidentally accepted and my wife saw a post. Needless to say she was extremely upset. Not that it had showed up, but because it happened before and I didn't tell her. In my head I was trying to protect her (and myself) from undue stress and an argument. This assumption is based on her mental illness, but was not for me to decide - I'm not a doctor and I'm not her filter. It is likely she would not have been mad at all. I kept this secret because I considered it a non issue. I have no desire to be anyone other than my wife, period. I know that secrets shouldn't be kept on a marriage, and now my wife has warranted feelings of trust. I'm not asking for advice on what to do, that's for me and my wife to figure out. I'm just curious what others think about the issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not read other replies yet, but since you ask about what others think... I think you're not taking responsibility. You don't "accidentally" do something AGAIN and keep it a secret "because it's a non-issue and you don't want to cause her stress. You're condescending about your wife and you are treating her as if she is somehow inferior or less important. 

That's what I think.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stay away from Facebook all together.

Why would you want to use a service that enables random people to get hold of you at any time/for whatever reason?

Personally I would hate that.

Also, if someone is not part of your life TODAY, what is the value of contact online etc. I mean, I can understand family that's far away, but other people......no thanks.

It also creates tons of relationship issues......

Apologize to your wife and say it was wrong for you to accept this.


----------



## Reluctant_Doubter (Apr 11, 2013)

logicallyillogical said:


> I kept this secret because I considered it a non issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife used this one on me. The trouble is that no matter how genuine and well meant your decision was, the other side will always look at it and ask - if it was a non issue, why did you keep it secret?

When my wife set up her facebook account she didn't tell me. I discovered it some time later when she turned up in my feed as a "do you know this person" friend suggestion. And even then only because she had accidentally forwarded me an email from the email address she used to set up the facebook account - an address I had previously been unaware of. She had never reached out to friend me or our children. Issue number one - why a secret facebook account?

So she agreed to friend me without hesitation - then I discover that two thirds of her friends are males I have never met and in most cases had never heard of. But that's OK (she says), because they are all just a part of her circle of friends in the sport she participates in. Problem number two - if that's the case, why keep it secret?

By contrast about half of my facebook friends are women, and my wife has met all but one of them - that one lives in a different country and is somebody I haven't seen in person since my college years.

Hmmm - quite a different approach to whom we accept as friends. Because I have facebook friends of the opposite sex I have no problem with my wife having the same. But I am always transparent. During the period of our marriage I am referring to, she was underground.

This and many other "innocent" secrets almost ended our marriage.

So - transparency, transparency, transparency.

I got full access to my wife's facebook account (and she to mine), together with all email accounts (she had email accounts I never knew existed), her cell phone and any other relevant passwords. If she had just been transparent up front there would never have been any need for that.

We all set our marriage boundaries in different places - certainly my wife and I had not clarified previously where we each considered those boundaries to be. For me, a facebook "friend" of the opposite sex was fine so long as I knew about it. Mine were always disclosed to her. A "secret" friend crossed a boundary. And in your case, even if "friended" by accident, if your wife's idea of the boundary is similar to mine she will see it the same way.

Your mileage may vary. With one exception I did not require my wife to "unfriend" people. I just required her to become transparent and to provide me the opportunity to meet her friends in person.

If this is the only issue I am sure you can find a way to resolve it. In my case there were many similar issues. 18 months later the marriage is mostly repaired, but we are yet to completely restore the hitherto inviolable trust. That is still a work in progress.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

logicallyillogical said:


> I had an ex friend request me on facebook.


Ex friend or ex lover?


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Wow - I must be way too trusting. 
My husband and I feel no need to check with each other first about adding someone of the opposite sex as a friend on FB. You're not hooking up for goodness sakes.
Now, that said, I have gone on his page to see who his friends are. Several are ex-girlfriends. Doesn't bother me. Most, if not all, have pictures of their husbands, kids, etc. It seems perfectly innocent to me. 
I, on the other hand, had a very bad first relationship and have no desire to be "friends" with him or see his posts. My other long term boyfriend doesn't have a page. But I do have ex-colleagues and friends who are male "friends". I don't even feel the need to have a discussion about them. Some he's met, some he hasn't, but there is no one he hasn't heard of, and same for me. 
Seems like there must be more going on here causing such large insecurities. Have you cheated with this ex in the past? There must be some sort of past drama.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> Seems like there must be more going on here causing such large insecurities. Have you cheated with this ex in the past? There must be some sort of past drama.


That's what I am wondering, too.


----------

