# Found out husband is a serial cheater (we have been together for 17 years)



## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

I am having a really hard time coping. I just found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband is a serial cheater. We have been together since we were teenagers, total of 17 years. 

Married for 4.5 years. I rarely check his phone because I trust him that much. Well for some reason I had the instinct to check his phone. and Lo and behold did I find things ranging from inappropriate texts, DMs, sexting, videos of masturbation from both him and a coworker. I confronted him and of course he felt guilty because he was caught and knew he could not deny cheating. 

He said he only cheated on me with one woman but they stopped screwing each other awhile ago. Yeah well they still kept in touch and literally would ask her for videos and pictures etc. and He would send back videos of him masturbating to her videos. Well anyway fast forward next day I look more into his phone and find out he has been cheating on me with multiple women and even found videos of him performing and receiving oral sex. And then a week later I got it out of him that he started cheating on me before he proposed in 2015.

I asked him why he even bothered proposing. He said it was because he loves me and that I am the one he wants to be with. I told him he has issues and when you love someone.. you do everything you can to protect them from any mental/emotional/physical pain. I also reminded him that during our engagement I offered for us to have a “break” and date around just to be sure he is ABSOLUTE in marrying me because I don’t want any BS. He refused during that time and yet here we are. But who am I kidding? 

He still screwed around while we were engaged and married, and even while I was pregnant. I am having a hard time coping because I have been with this man half my life and vice versa. He never acted cold to me whatsoever while cheating. Although he would gaslight me when I asked random questions (I am traumatized from knowing that my dad serially cheated on my mom for over a decade). 

So it was a HUGE shocker that I live with this serial liar and cheater and he was never a faithful husband. He wasted the past 6 or so years of my life while cheating and I had no idea. He wants to try marriage counseling but I feel so unmotivated especially knowing he was never a faithful husband. We have no choice but to stay under the same roof because we have a 1 year old baby together. 

We take turns caring for her as we work our work schedules around her. We do not do daycare because their hours don’t fit our work hours. We have no other support. And a nanny is too expensive. So have no choice but to be together during this time after me finding out. He did have a remorseful breakdown the day after I found out initially. I just need input on my situation. I am really broken hearted. For the first three days I still kept trying to wake up from this nightmare. I have PTSD from the things I read and saw on his phone. 

The look of sheer ecstasy on his face in those videos make me want to vomit. How does someone look you in the face for years and tell you that they love you and say they’d never cheat on you… only to do the opposite and go above and beyond doing it?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He doesn’t know how to be faithful!
You either accept it knowing he will never change or you divorce him knowing you deserve better.

He’s a shmuck - opt for divorce.

How do they do it? Because they are selfish and self centered. They are incapable of considering how their actions affect you. It’s time to find a man who will respect and honor you - he isn’t that guy and never will be.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You mention you have no support, what does that entail? Do you have any family or friends? I’m interested to know how isolated you are and why? (If you are indeed isolated). 

You mention that your father was a cheater, it looks like your husband potentially chose you for this reason and bound you to him because you were vulnerable. It’s clear that he insisted on the marriage. These types are good at picking ‘a type’. You won’t be this woman later. 

First of all, given your shock, you don’t need to act immediately. Rest and recover first, you’ll need strength later. You also have a child. So take it easy on yourself and give yourself time to deal with this horrible, awful gift you’ve been given. 

I say gift. You’ll know what these means later, because sometime the dress you’re given for Christmas is not your style, not your colour, and not something you’ve ever worn. But one day… it’ll suddenly be your thing. 

After this rest and recover period, you’ll need some sort of support network. Be careful here, not everyone will have your best interests in mind. It will be lonely, so go in with the expectation that not everyone will follow through, or really support you. 

I’m very sorry you’re here. I don’t think this is salvageable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nurseoffduty I would recommend counselling for you. This would help with the PTSD your 'husband' has dropped on you.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Try to find a child care provider who will work with your schedule and kick his miserable carcass to the curb. A serial cheater is a lost cause.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

I feel so sorry for you having also to see what he did. This relationship is ruined.

Your husband has two faces. You have seen the other now. He is not the man you thought he is.
It is now as if your partner died.
This guy is not what you loved. You were in love with an idea of this man.
Now you are confronted with the reality.


Try to get support. Put some money aside. Minimise communication with him. He is poisson. He kept the footage of what he has done on his phone. Carrying it around like a trophy, sitting, eating, sleeping next to you. He is an evil person.
It is like he finds sadisfaction in betraying his partner.
This neither what you fell in love with nor what you deserve. 

Get rid of him. He can see his child, but he should never ever touch you with his filthy hands. 
Sad for the daughter. But you have to find a way out there. You need distance or you are screwed for live. This is worse for your daughter then staying with this disgrace of a person. 

Try to get access to a psychologist, if possible. Look for organisations that support women. Having seen the footage is a serious matter and any one will understand your need for help.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What a horrible shock for you. In your place I could not stay with such an awful man and the trust would be gone. There are always ways around doing things if you want to do them enough. Countless millions if single parents work and find good childcare. If you work shifts maybe you could look for a 9-5 job. 

I think you know that counseling will not change a thing. It's his poor character and low moral values that enables him to cheat. That won't change.

Oh and his 'remourseful breakdown' was laughable.
He is sorry he got caught, that's all.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

nurseoffduty said:


> I am having a really hard time coping. I just found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband is a serial cheater. We have been together since we were teenagers, total of 17 years.
> 
> Married for 4.5 years. I rarely check his phone because I trust him that much. Well for some reason I had the instinct to check his phone. and Lo and behold did I find things ranging from inappropriate texts, DMs, sexting, videos of masturbation from both him and a coworker. I confronted him and of course he felt guilty because he was caught and knew he could not deny cheating.
> 
> ...


Wow. I don't even have words for this, except to say how truly sorry I am for you and this horrible situation. I can see that you are in a good place in the sense that you are not making excuses for him, and you're calling it as you see the situation. You realize he has gaslit you! In truth, I think you know there is no excuse for his behavior for so many years. The only explanation as to how someone can live a double life like that, is that he may be a sociopath of some sort. He hasn't shown any signs of guilt according to you, and that to me indicates that he has no ability to empathize. 

Even so, what are your plans? Do you think you want to work it out, or will you go? I mean, this is something that would literally knock the wind out of a person (ie. you), but it's a loooongg time that he has lied to you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

nurseoffduty said:


> (I am traumatized from knowing that my dad serially cheated on my mom for over a decade).
> 
> So it was a HUGE shocker that I live with this serial liar and cheater and he was never a faithful husband.


Not a huge shocker at all. In fact, the opposite. Children live what they learn. Children also tend to grow up and select a mate that is similar to one of their parents. You picked a man like your father and are perpetuating the cycle by staying.



nurseoffduty said:


> We have no choice but to stay under the same roof because we have a 1 year old baby together.
> 
> We take turns caring for her as we work our work schedules around her.


You have choices. He can change his shift. You can change yours. You can hire someone to provide childcare and he can pay for it. One of my friends worked an odd shift. 12 hr overnights on a rotating schedule. She found childcare through her job. One of the other employees who worked her shift had a wife who did childcare in her home at night. It's doable if you try. Look around and think outside the box.

Or you can stay with him out of a sense of helplessness and fear, turn a blind eye, and watch your kid grow up to marry someone just like dear ole dad, too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are living the life I once did. The difference is that my child was much older when I first caught my husband cheating. We had married very young, and in retrospect I believe it began back then, but I didn’t find out until I was in my mid-30’s. He swore he loved me and that it would never happen again. He lied. I eventually got out but much later than I should have. 

The thing to remember is that serial cheaters very rarely change. They are addicted to the thrill of cheating and they don’t want a divorce so they will say anything to keep you from leaving them. Maybe they even mean it at the time but at some point the addiction to cheating will likely come back. They are weak, damaged people and they will burn you.

My husband was a carbon copy of my father. I didn’t see that until it was too late.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> You mentioned that your father was a cheater.


As an astrologer, I see the cause of this. What was in your father's fate was passed on to you, obliquely.
Through men that arrive at your door, and you letting them in.,

I liken this to a personal 'proclivity', (ref. your man picker)....one that you must consciously keep in mind.


_King Brian-_


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

nurseoffduty said:


> I am having a really hard time coping. I just found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband is a serial cheater. We have been together since we were teenagers, total of 17 years.
> 
> Married for 4.5 years. I rarely check his phone because I trust him that much. Well for some reason I had the instinct to check his phone. and Lo and behold did I find things ranging from inappropriate texts, DMs, sexting, videos of masturbation from both him and a coworker. I confronted him and of course he felt guilty because he was caught and knew he could not deny cheating.
> 
> ...


I also wanted to add to my post: he had so many snapshots of women too and would ask women for selfies, pics and save them onto his phone. He also always told me he did not know what “onlyfans” is but he apparently had an account. He’s a guy nobody would ever think would do wrong. He would usually do as I ask and was still warm towards me at all times. I had inklings but always shrugged it off because I didn’t want to transfer my negative feelings related to my father to him, like I was overreacting. So I never acted on my hunches.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

nurseoffduty said:


> I also wanted to add to my post: he had so many snapshots of women too and would ask women for selfies, pics and save them onto his phone. He also always told me he did not know what “onlyfans” is but he apparently had an account. He’s a guy nobody would ever think would do wrong. He would usually do as I ask and was still warm towards me at all times. I had inklings but always shrugged it off because I didn’t want to transfer my negative feelings related to my father to him, like I was overreacting. So I never acted on my hunches.


What hunches did you have?


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> He doesn’t know how to be faithful!
> You either accept it knowing he will never change or you divorce him knowing you deserve better.
> 
> He’s a shmuck - opt for divorce.
> ...


I know… I have been with him since I was 16. He was 17. I don’t even remember what it is like to be single. So I am having a hard time grasping the possibility of being without him. He said one of his reasons was because we were together for so long which was lame. Basically he got bored of me even though “loves” me. His other reason was stress. and yes I told him he is a selfish cold prick and that I am always stressed but you don’t see me screwing other guys. I also said there could have been other guys I could have screwed with but I did not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> My husband was a carbon copy of my father. I didn’t see that until it was too late.


Yet, another example of this.... marrying one's fathers, younger clone.
The Sun in your horoscope (and its placing and aspects) represents your father.

Yes, some strongly so, some weakly do, most in the middle, the meadow dew.


_KB-_


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You mention you have no support, what does that entail? Do you have any family or friends? I’m interested to know how isolated you are and why? (If you are indeed isolated).
> 
> You mention that your father was a cheater, it looks like your husband potentially chose you for this reason and bound you to him because you were vulnerable. It’s clear that he insisted on the marriage. These types are good at picking ‘a type’. You won’t be this woman later.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. We don’t have support in watching our daughter. We are both essential healthcare workers. day care hours don’t accomodate to the time we leave the house and when we come home. His family lives 2 hrs away. And I have my parents here in the same city but they aren’t physically able to watch our toddler. All our friends are 2 hrs away and have their own stuff going on.

He really wants to keep trying therapy. But like you said. It may not be salvagable. I am damaged. What sucks is that he was my first everything and I am experiencing heartbreak for the first time… but to this degree.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Try to find a child care provider who will work with your schedule and kick his miserable carcass to the curb. A serial cheater is a lost cause.


Can’t afford a child care provider at this time…


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Yet, another example of this.... marrying one's fathers, younger clone.
> The Sun in your horoscope (and its placing and aspects) represents your father.
> 
> Yes, some strongly so, some weakly do, most in the middle, the meadow dew.
> ...


Thankfully my husband is nothing like my dad was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> Thank you for your input. We don’t have support in watching our daughter. We are both essential healthcare workers. day care hours don’t accomodate to the time we leave the house and when we come home. His family lives 2 hrs away. And I have my parents here in the same city but they aren’t physically able to watch our toddler. All our friends are 2 hrs away and have their own stuff going on.
> 
> He really wants to keep trying therapy. But like you said. It may not be salvagable. I am damaged. What sucks is that he was my first everything and I am experiencing heartbreak for the first time… but to this degree.


Are there some sort of heathcare jobs you can apply for that are more regular hours?. I do know people who have changed their shifts for non shift jobs. 
I do find it hard to believe that between you you can't afford childcare of some sort. 

There are ways of ending this farce of a marriage if you want to.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What a horrible shock for you. In your place I could not stay with such an awful man and the trust would be gone. There are always ways around doing things if you want to do them enough. Countless millions if single parents work and find good childcare. If you work shifts maybe you could look for a 9-5 job.
> 
> I think you know that counseling will not change a thing. It's his poor character and low moral values that enables him to cheat. That won't change.
> 
> ...


Believe me, if a child was not in the picture and I had support I would have automatically kicked him to the curb. But it is more complicated with a baby. It hurts to know that we tried for this baby too, and was my rainbow baby. I am a nurse and 9-5 is pretty hard to find. At this time, it is not a good idea for me to switch jobs. I want to refinance the house. Also I applied through work for legal assistance which takes effect on Jan 1. And I just added my daughter to my health benefits.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> Thank you for your input. We don’t have support in watching our daughter. We are both essential healthcare workers. day care hours don’t accomodate to the time we leave the house and when we come home. His family lives 2 hrs away. And I have my parents here in the same city but they aren’t physically able to watch our toddler. All our friends are 2 hrs away and have their own stuff going on.
> 
> He really wants to keep trying therapy. But like you said. It may not be salvagable. I am damaged. What sucks is that he was my first everything and I am experiencing heartbreak for the first time… but to this degree.


How do you think therapy will stop a liar from lying, a deceiver from deceiving, and a cheater from cheating?. How will it make anyone who has no moral values or respect for faithfulness to suddenly change? 

Cheaters who suggest therapy are just desperate not to loose their spouse. They think that by going to therapy the BS will stay.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> Believe me, if a child was not in the picture and I had support I would have automatically kicked him to the curb. But it is more complicated with a baby. It hurts to know that we tried for this baby too, and was my rainbow baby. I am a nurse and 9-5 is pretty hard to find. At this time, it is not a good idea for me to switch jobs. I want to refinance the house. Also I applied through work for legal assistance which takes effect on Jan 1. And I just added my daughter to my health benefits.


I understand. I had three children(older) when I ended my 25 year marriage. I had no family support either, both parents sadly died while fairly young.
You can do it, but you have to want to. I did struggle but I couldn't stay with him. We had little but we survived.

I know nurses who did go on to work more social hours. There are jobs around.

In the end it's either stay with a man you can't trust and who is 99% likely to cheat again, or find a way to leave.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

nurseoffduty said:


> He really wants to keep trying therapy. But like you said. It may not be salvagable. I am damaged. What sucks is that he was my first everything and I am experiencing heartbreak for the first time… but to this degree.


The only way to “salvage” this is for you to accept that he’s not going to stop cheating.

Serials never stop. Never ever.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Wow. I don't even have words for this, except to say how truly sorry I am for you and this horrible situation. I can see that you are in a good place in the sense that you are not making excuses for him, and you're calling it as you see the situation. You realize he has gaslit you! In truth, I think you know there is no excuse for his behavior for so many years. The only explanation as to how someone can live a double life like that, is that he may be a sociopath of some sort. He hasn't shown any signs of guilt according to you, and that to me indicates that he has no ability to empathize.
> 
> Even so, what are your plans? Do you think you want to work it out, or will you go? I mean, this is something that would literally knock the wind out of a person (ie. you), but it's a loooongg time that he has lied to you.


It definitely knocked the wind out of me when I first found out. After A week I decided to give him a last shot to reconcile and that if he wants to keep this marriage he needs to put the work in. BUT after finding out from him that he started cheating before he proposed… that was like the dagger to lingering hope from me. 

Currently I am trying to be smart and I’m waiting for the right moment to decide to divorce. I want to someday tell my daughter mommy and daddy tried their best to save the marriage at least. Currently getting recommendations from coworkers for attorneys. Eventually I want to sell my rings and wedding dress for money to help pay off legal fees. There will be alimony involved, should he decide to accept alimony I may have to blackmail him to not accept by ruining his reputation with the evidence I have on my phone. Because for me to pay for his infidelity is ridiculous. I’ll never be able to escape him though, we would be co-parenting. No choice but to be “friends” through co-parenting.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

nurseoffduty said:


> I am having a really hard time coping. I just found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband is a serial cheater. We have been together since we were teenagers, total of 17 years.
> 
> Married for 4.5 years. I rarely check his phone because I trust him that much. Well for some reason I had the instinct to check his phone. and Lo and behold did I find things ranging from inappropriate texts, DMs, sexting, videos of masturbation from both him and a coworker. I confronted him and of course he felt guilty because he was caught and knew he could not deny cheating.
> 
> ...


Based on what you said, realistically you have to co-exist for the sake of your child. I agree. It's best by far if you were out but sometimes that's just not really practical. 

Go NO SEX. Go Room Mate mode. You know his name and pass him now and then on the way to your room. Done. He's no good. It's time for him to be freed and to go off with his wh***s (that he intends to do anyway). I mean vids of sex acts with other women and you're supposed to take this cretin serious?? NAH. 

Do the right thing for your daughter. I'll bet she's beautiful and the love of your life. Make her life better, be there for her. She needs you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Yet, another example of this.... marrying one's fathers, younger clone.
> The Sun in your horoscope (and its placing and aspects) represents your father.
> 
> Yes, some strongly so, some weakly do, most in the middle, the meadow dew.
> ...


The idea that I fought so hard for so long to stay in a dysfunctional marriage is odd to me. But … you can always find excuses to stay if you look for them and I did. (Astrologically speaking, I’m a very no-nonsense Virgo but I think all the Libra in my chart sometimes conflicts with that.)


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Not a huge shocker at all. In fact, the opposite. Children live what they learn. Children also tend to grow up and select a mate that is similar to one of their parents. You picked a man like your father and are perpetuating the cycle by staying.
> 
> 
> You have choices. He can change his shift. You can change yours. You can hire someone to provide childcare and he can pay for it. One of my friends worked an odd shift. 12 hr overnights on a rotating schedule. She found childcare through her job. One of the other employees who worked her shift had a wife who did childcare in her home at night. It's doable if you try. Look around and think outside the box.
> ...


Mind you, I did not choose to marry someone like my dad. I did not know my husband was unfaithful literally until three weeks ago. He did not have obvious traits of being a serial cheater so nobody would ever suspect. My dad was more obvious and made his likelihood more apparent.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You are living the life I once did. The difference is that my child was much older when I first caught my husband cheating. We had married very young, and in retrospect I believe it began back then, but I didn’t find out until I was in my mid-30’s. He swore he loved me and that it would never happen again. He lied. I eventually got out but much later than I should have.
> 
> The thing to remember is that serial cheaters very rarely change. They are addicted to the thrill of cheating and they don’t want a divorce so they will say anything to keep you from leaving them. Maybe they even mean it at the time but at some point the addiction to cheating will likely come back. They are weak, damaged people and they will burn you.
> 
> My husband was a carbon copy of my father. I didn’t see that until it was too late.


How old was your kid and how did you handle that part? How did your kid do emotionally? What was your explanation. Thank you for your reply.
How are you doing now? Did you seek therapy? Have you found better new love?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

nurseoffduty said:


> Mind you, I did not choose to marry someone like my dad. I did not know my husband was unfaithful literally until three weeks ago. He did not have obvious traits of being a serial cheater so nobody would ever suspect. My dad was more obvious and made his likelihood more apparent.


My father and my husband both seemed very unlikely to cheat. They appeared to be loving, caring men. That was just one side, unfortunately. I was a teenager when I learned that my father was a cheater and I swore I would never marry someone like him. But I did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You don't have to be friends to coparent. Just to be polite and to be able to spend a little time together to pick up and drop off days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> My father and my husband both seemed very unlikely to cheat. They appeared to be loving, caring men. That was just one side, unfortunately. I was a teenager when I learned that my father was a cheater and I swore I would never marry someone like him. But I did.


Never thought my dad would cheat, plus other things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> Mind you, I did not choose to marry someone like my dad. I did not know my husband was unfaithful literally until three weeks ago. He did not have obvious traits of being a serial cheater so nobody would ever suspect. My dad was more obvious and made his likelihood more apparent.


Unfortunately there is probably a lot more things he has done than you don't know about. It's unlikely it's just been for the last 6 years either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

nurseoffduty said:


> How old was your kid and how did you handle that part? How did your kid do emotionally? What was your explanation. Thank you for your reply.
> How are you doing now? Did you seek therapy? Have you found better new love?


My child was approaching adolescence when I first found out. That was part of the reason I stayed since adolescence is not usually a good time to divorce (not that there’s ever a good time when you have children). When I finally did divorce, decades later, my child was already divorced with children so we bypassed most (not all) of the emotional fallout associated with divorcing parents. I am much happier now (no therapy) and date now and then but don’t want another relationship at this late stage of life. My only regret — and it’s a big one — is that I didn’t leave when I first found out. I can’t get those decades back.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

rugswept said:


> Based on what you said, realistically you have to co-exist for the sake of your child. I agree. It's best by far if you were out but sometimes that's just not really practical.
> 
> Go NO SEX. Go Room Mate mode. You know his name and pass him now and then on the way to your room. Done. He's no good. It's time for him to be freed and to go off with his wh***s (that he intends to do anyway). I mean vids of sex acts with other women and you're supposed to take this cretin serious?? NAH.
> 
> Do the right thing for your daughter. I'll bet she's beautiful and the love of your life. Make her life better, be there for her. She needs you.


thank you for your practical insight. If he was a druggie or abusive there was no way he would be able to see my daughter. He is a terrible partner but he IS a good dad. So yes we do have to co-exist through coparenting even though he is a horrible lying person. I will be civil with him. He is a selfish person but I will not be the same. I want my daughter to have her dad in her life. When my girl asks me the question someday, I will be honest with her. And I will teach her what to look out for.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> thank you for your practical insight. If he was a druggie or abusive there was no way he would be able to see my daughter. He is a terrible partner but he IS a good dad. So yes we do have to co-exist through coparenting even though he is a horrible lying person. I will be civil with him. He is a selfish person but I will not be the same. I want my daughter to have her dad in her life. When my girl asks me the question someday, I will be honest with her. And I will teach her what to look out for.


Effectively co-parenting doesn't mean you have to remain living with a serial cheater. I know 3 couples who tried this seperation in the same house. It doesn't work. 

I fear that you will stay and get cheated on again. Only now he will be far more sneaky about it and you may never know.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you need to pay him alimony?
Has he worked and earned throughout your marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> The idea that I fought so hard for so long to stay in a dysfunctional marriage is odd to me. But … you can always find excuses to stay if you look for them and I did. (Astrologically speaking, I’m a very no-nonsense Virgo but I think all the Libra in my chart sometimes conflicts with that.)


Yes, Libras are all about conflicting (unbalanced) emotions!!

Virgos are steady, some heady, many talkative, none are hopeless.
Well, maybe a few.... are _practically_ that.

Being practical is being too bound by norms, unbending to a fault.
That is more a Taurus thing, also Capricorn.

Few people are made up of one sign, though many seem caught up in many sighs.

Few are pure, having one pedigree (Sign). Most have this blending.
Actually, it is literally healthier to be that mix, having that balance of influences.

End of threadjack.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> My father and my husband both seemed very unlikely to cheat. They appeared to be loving, caring men. That was just one side, unfortunately. I was a teenager when I learned that my father was a cheater and I swore I would never marry someone like him. But I did.


Part of a man's, or a woman's ability to cheat is that niceness that they exude.
We all like warm and nice people.

Yet...warmth and 'niceness' does not always equate to being loyal to those who love you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Part of a man's, or a woman's ability to cheat is that niceness that they exude.
> We all like warm and nice people.
> 
> Yet...warmth and 'niceness' does not always equate to being loyal to those who love you.


Sad but true. Both were exceptional men in every way but one.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nurseoffduty said:


> I also wanted to add to my post: he had so many snapshots of women too and would ask women for selfies, pics and save them onto his phone. He also always told me he did not know what “onlyfans” is but he apparently had an account. He’s a guy nobody would ever think would do wrong. He would usually do as I ask and was still warm towards me at all times. I had inklings but always shrugged it off because I didn’t want to transfer my negative feelings related to my father to him, like I was overreacting. So I never acted on my hunches.


My heart goes out to you. Your H is a POS. I mostly feel that in marriage, especially when there is a young child, a second chance should be an option. Not in this case. Your priorities should be you child, your mental and financial health and keeping your soon to be ex-husband as far away from you as possible. Get tested for STD's. Get in touch with a divorce attorney. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. If you need to, find a women's shelter.

Good luck and God bless you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just divorce him. He will always cheat. Trying to reconcile with his type is futile.
Sell your house. Use the money for daycare and a rental for now.
Just get away from the one betraying you. Let him have visitation with his child.
Believe me - reconciling is brutal and useless… for your well being!


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Why would you need to pay him alimony?
> Has he worked and earned throughout your marriage?


Yes he has worked throughout our marriage. I make more than him.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, Libras are all about conflicting (unbalanced) emotions!!
> 
> Virgos are steady, some heady, many talkative, none are hopeless.
> Well, maybe a few.... are _practically_ that.
> ...


I am a pisces and my scum of a husband is an aquarius.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

nurseoffduty said:


> I am a pisces and my scum of a husband is an aquarius.





nurseoffduty said:


> I am a pisces and my scum of a husband is an aquarius.


Oof aquarius...no wonder he is a serial cheater. They need to change it up all the time in the bedroom, never like to do the same things twice. Yikes!


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> My heart goes out to you. Your H is a POS. I mostly feel that in marriage, especially when there is a young child, a second chance should be an option. Not in this case. Your priorities should be you child, your mental and financial health and keeping your soon to be ex-husband as far away from you as possible. Get tested for STD's. Get in touch with a divorce attorney. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. If you need to, find a women's shelter.
> 
> Good luck and God bless you.


thank you

my std panel is negative


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Just divorce him. He will always cheat. Trying to reconcile with his type is futile.
> Sell your house. Use the money for daycare and a rental for now.
> Just get away from the one betraying you. Let him have visitation with his child.
> Believe me - reconciling is brutal and useless… for your well being!


He is a co owner for the house. He’ll get half which is bullsh*t. Yeah I am unmotivated for reconciliation. I had posted a reply previously, just waiting for the right moment. I have certain things I need to wait on. Just gathering my strength.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

nurseoffduty said:


> Can’t afford a child care provider at this time…


Go after him for child support then. Could you reduce your hours to tip your income level lower than his.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Do you have any co workers with young children, who work different shifts than you? You could maybe look after each others children which would save on childcare costs. When I left my daughters cheating dad, I wasn't working at the time. I got a job at the same place as a good friend, and we worked seperate shifts. We looked after each others child because we couldn't afford childcare. It worked out great for us. You will need to know they are safe and you can trust them with your child. That way you won't be dependant on him. He won't change, serial cheaters never do. Sorry this has happened to you. You deserve much much better.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Make part of the reconciliation requirements a post-nup
wait a year and dump him


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nurseoffduty said:


> _*Believe me, if a child was not in the picture and I had support I would have automatically kicked him to the curb. *_


Bull.

You already admitted in an earlier post that the truth is that you've been with this loser since you were a teenager and you have no idea what it's like to be single or on your own. So even if you DIDN'T have a kid, you'd still be clinging to this POS.

You're staying out of FEAR of being on your own and that's a crappy reason to allow someone to **** all over you day after day after day.



nurseoffduty said:


> _*We have no choice but to stay under the same roof because we have a 1 year old baby together.*_


And THIS excuse is just as lame but it just sounds so _noble_ telling yourself that that's why you stay with him. It makes you feel better about yourself - like you're a martyr and you're willing to wear the hair shirt and sacrifice your own happiness, dignity, and self worth "for the sake of the child."

How about you *stop* making ridiculous excuses for clinging to someone who can't even show you the respect most of us show the common dung beetle, and move on to a healthier and more positive life?

Seriously. Find your pride and find your dignity and *move on* from this pig before he gives you some horrifying STD that he picks up from some bar-fly one night when he tells you he's out at Home Depot.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Make part of the reconciliation requirements a post-nup
> wait a year and dump him


can you elaborate on this please?


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Bull.
> 
> You already admitted in an earlier post that the truth is that you've been with this loser since you were a teenager and you have no idea what it's like to be single or on your own. So even if you DIDN'T have a kid, you'd still be clinging to this POS.
> 
> ...


I can feel the passion in your post but no need to be rude and put words in my mouth. I’m not clinging to him, I am waiting for the right moment to move onto the D process. Not everyone has support or has the immediate money to do things. It’s normal for people to be afraid to be on their own. Nobody wants to be alone. And no, I would not hesitate to drop him if we did not have a kid, because it would be way easier. 
I only found out 3 weeks ago, it does NOT mean I am staying. I am just being smart and choosing to execute my moves at the right time. 
I am in the early parts of the grieving process, and I should be allowed to grieve. This is like someone close to me has just died and now I am alone. Does not mean I have no dignity 🙄


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it’s very like a death. The person you thought he was doesn't exist. I thought I would never recover but I did and so will you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nurseoffduty said:


> can you elaborate on this please?


It isn't unusual for people who have been cheated on to make post-nups a condition of reconciliation. Get a lawyer to write it up. It would describe what both would be entitled to in case of a divorce. Like no alimony. Even split of assets or what have you. Many make a penalty a condition if there is additional infidelity. 

You can use his desire to reconcile to get a post-nup. You said you were biding time. So make it useful.

Make no alimony (for either so it seems fair) a condition of considering recon. then throw in some asset penalty for any additional infidelity (which is always hard to prove so it's just a red herring).

Then bide your time for however long you want divorce him, no alimony.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Here’s the big news - there is no RIGHT time to file! You just do it now - because you respect yourself and he has done you SO wrong!


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> It isn't unusual for people who have been cheated on to make post-nups a condition of reconciliation. Get a lawyer to write it up. It would describe what both would be entitled to in case of a divorce. Like no alimony. Even split of assets or what have you. Many make a penalty a condition if there is additional infidelity.
> 
> You can use his desire to reconcile to get a post-nup. You said you were biding time. So make it useful.
> 
> ...


wow this is so new to me. thanks for the info. I appreciate it


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nurseoffduty said:


> wow this is so new to me. thanks for the info. I appreciate it


Just don’t stay too long. He’s bad news that you need to get out of your life.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through this. This level of betrayal is deeply traumatic and it may take some time before you have the energy and the resources to move on, but in the meantime here are some things that have been helping me lately.

1. Therapy. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma (and mindfulness), if you can. I think they are the most equipped for helping people get through this crap.

2. Write down a list of your values. Hands down, this has been the most helpful — even though it’s a simple thing. Make it as long as you like. Infidelity has a way of making you feel completely worthless. Try to remember who you are — and cling to that like a life raft.

3. Set personal boundaries immediately. Whatever you need.

4. Work on yourself. Take walks. Eat healthy. Get fit if you aren’t already. There’s so much power in “revenge bod.” Get your hair and nails done. Treat yourself to a new outfit. You do not belong to him. You belong to yourself. Take care of yourself like you are your only child or your best friend.

5. Lean on people. You don’t have to keep his secrets.

I am going through a very minor betrayal in comparison but it’s crazy how much it takes out of you and away from you. I’m still reeling from a car accident this past week, but these are some things that helped me shift my focus away from the hurt and back to myself.

Hugs to you. You deserve better than this.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

bewilderness said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this. This level of betrayal is deeply traumatic and it may take some time before you have the energy and the resources to move on, but in the meantime here are some things that have been helping me lately.
> 
> 1. Therapy. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma (and mindfulness), if you can. I think they are the most equipped for helping people get through this crap.
> 
> ...


thank you. I am trying my best, just currently gathering my strength and resources like you said.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Your story is heart wrenching. The fact that he could easily lie and hide his “hobby” your entire relationship says more about him than you. You married a sick person who is very good at manipulation and lies. I’m sorry that you find yourself in this position and feel for you. Those pictures and videos will stick with you for the long term, but they serve as an excellent reminder of exactly who you are REALLY married to.

Post nuptials are pretty tricky. I was advised that they are fairly easy to get out of if a person so chooses to fight it. I would go see a lawyer and speak about all your best options. Maybe that means asking him to prove how sorry he is by giving you an uncontested divorce, or stating you won’t even try to reconcile with him unless he gives you a divorce and starts from scratch since he robbed you of that the first time. A divorce can almost never be walked back or contested when it’s finalized. You can also ask your lawyer if there is legal separation in your state and how that works and additionally what the alimony laws are. Many states feel that after 10 years of marriage you get to provide a lifetime of alimony… something to consider when deciding if you want to wait it out with a compulsive adulterer.

Whether you stay or go, he will continue to have many nasty females engaged in his cheap thrills. If you absolutely have no choice but to stay with him, then I guess you will have to choose to live as roommates, or have an open marriage. But you need to have a very serious discussion with a lawyer regardless of what you do.


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## nurseoffduty (Nov 20, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Your story is heart wrenching. The fact that he could easily lie and hide his “hobby” your entire relationship says more about him than you. You married a sick person who is very good at manipulation and lies. I’m sorry that you find yourself in this position and feel for you. Those pictures and videos will stick with you for the long term, but they serve as an excellent reminder of exactly who you are REALLY married to.
> 
> Post nuptials are pretty tricky. I was advised that they are fairly easy to get out of if a person so chooses to fight it. I would go see a lawyer and speak about all your best options. Maybe that means asking him to prove how sorry he is by giving you an uncontested divorce, or stating you won’t even try to reconcile with him unless he gives you a divorce and starts from scratch since he robbed you of that the first time. A divorce can almost never be walked back or contested when it’s finalized. You can also ask your lawyer if there is legal separation in your state and how that works and additionally what the alimony laws are. Many states feel that after 10 years of marriage you get to provide a lifetime of alimony… something to consider when deciding if you want to wait it out with a compulsive adulterer.
> 
> Whether you stay or go, he will continue to have many nasty females engaged in his cheap thrills. If you absolutely have no choice but to stay with him, then I guess you will have to choose to live as roommates, or have an open marriage. But you need to have a very serious discussion with a lawyer regardless of what you do.


thank you for your thoughtful reply. Still looking for a lawyer. I highly doubt we’ll make it to 10 years. Our 5 year wedding anniversary is next year. I plan to give him the D before then.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nurseoffduty said:


> thank you for your thoughtful reply. Still looking for a lawyer. I highly doubt we’ll make it to 10 years. Our 5 year wedding anniversary is next year. I plan to give him the D before then.


Well don't make it to 5 either if you will be paying alimony. Each year brings consequences.

I do like the uncontested favorable terms for you divorce as part of any thinking about Reconciliation.

To be clear. I do not think you should reconcile. I do not think you should give him another chance. I'm just talking about getting out of a horrible marriage intact as possible.

ETA: you talk about showing your child you really tried.. . Well do you want your child to think it's ok to treat women the way he has? As objects? Think of the videos. Do you want your child to be one of the people in the video? Or the wife sitting at home waiting?

Give her a better role model. One who has boundaries and expects to be in a loving faithful relationship.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

nurseoffduty said:


> I can feel the passion in your post but no need to be rude and put words in my mouth. I’m not clinging to him, I am waiting for the right moment to move onto the D process. Not everyone has support or has the immediate money to do things. It’s normal for people to be afraid to be on their own. Nobody wants to be alone. And no, I would not hesitate to drop him if we did not have a kid, because it would be way easier.
> I only found out 3 weeks ago, it does NOT mean I am staying. I am just being smart and choosing to execute my moves at the right time.
> I am in the early parts of the grieving process, and I should be allowed to grieve. This is like someone close to me has just died and now I am alone. Does not mean I have no dignity 🙄


Yes, death is the right term. Also, loss of innocence. Not too unlike having your house ransacked for the first time, and you come home and see everything torn up.

ShesStillGotIt has one tone, one volume and she uses it in every post. It's often right on the money but not always.


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