# Would you divorce in this situation?



## thehardlife2

*Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

So i am in a crisis....trying to figure out what to do with my life.

I have been married to the same man for 18 years. We have one child who is in elementary school. 
My husband is nice and kind ...for the most part. However, his overall demeanor is very depressed. He often complains about everything....will call or email me all day complaining about bad drivers, long lines at airports...that he's exhausted. He is just NEVER happy unless he's on a mission ...angry at someone. 

We haven't had se* in months... I have asked him to go to therapy with me and he won't anymore. However, he did go a few years ago and he said he didn't enjoy bringing up negative stuff from his/our past. And he won't do it again. 

We are in major debt and he is not all that motivated to get out of it. We are just living in a tough situation. He just isn't there for me... He says he tries. But words and actions aren't the same. I needed to have surgery last week. I told him I needed him to transfer money out of 401k. (I couldn't because his name is on it) he agreed. Said he would do it. The night before I told him it had to be done the next morning or doctor would cancel me. He said that he was too busy with traveling and work and could not spare 10 minutes to do it. 

When he returned home he asked about my surgery. I told him it was cancelled. And he said why? I said because you couldn't get money to me. He flipped out on me and said that he didn't realize or remember that I had said it had to be done before my surgery. 

I told him we were done. That I couldn't take this treatment any more. He got kinda mean and said that he was sorry he was such a failure and loser etc etc. And I should go find a rich doctor or something to make me happy. 

I suggested therapy again. And he just ignored me. Now it's been 5 days and he's pretending nothing happened. Saying he loves me when be calls. But otherwise acting cold etc. 

I feel lost. I'm scared of being alone. What would you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

I would go to IC myself to talk about this with someone who can hopefully help you make a decision.


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## Hope1964

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

I replied in your post in the D section - there's a rule that you can't post the same thing in multiple forums.


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## thehardlife2

I have. And she seems to think that this is an emotionally abusive situation. He doesn't say mean things etv but he can be passive aggressive and just lack empathy etc. 




Hope1964 said:


> I would go to IC myself to talk about this with someone who can hopefully help you make a decision.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy

Sounds like he may be depressed to me. You can't fix it on your own. Only he can so if he's not prepared to get help you have to decide if you can live with it or not.


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## Hope1964

thehardlife2 said:


> I have. And she seems to think that this is an emotionally abusive situation. He doesn't say mean things etv but he can be passive aggressive and just lack empathy etc.


So did she help you reach a decision? Obviously not. Maybe you need to go back, or see someone else.


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## long_done

You have a hard choice to make. You married a somewhat of a loser who can't really make the right financial decisions, and he is emotional.

The question is - are you prepared to be single and work to improve your financial future yourself? If not, stay with him in financial misery. If you are prepared to do the hard work to improve yourself and your career, then you will be far better off.


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## PBear

What kind of negative stuff was coming up in counselling? Personally, I'd give him the option of actively working on fixing things or actively working on separating. All you're doing now is enabling him to continue his negative behaviors. He has no reason to change, and people rarely change until some external force drives them to, in my experience. 

C
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## DoF

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

OP,

Sorry to hear about the trouble in your marriage.

it seems like you have been communicating your worries to him for years and you have been ignored.

You tried suggesting counseling as a last resort and it has been denied/ignored as well.

At this point, you should assume things will never change as he is simply not willing to change them.

Divorce is your ONLY option.


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## thehardlife2

The stuff that came up in counseling was related to his previous inabilities to be there for me. Just always counting on me to organize everything. Had to move a household myself. Cause he was "too busy" with work. Then came home and said that was the easiest/best mover we ever had. 

He isn't a go getter. Looking to me to find get rich quick schemes. He also had a history years ago of having physical aggression with our child. But he did anger management therapy and I haven't seen evidence of that since then. We are in bad financial situation and I work a lot... And he wanted nanny even while HE worked from home. Just things like that. 

Today I had to get ready for work. I told him I ended to get in the shower. He had some work to do on his computer (from home) and he made it out like I was asking him for another child when I asked him if he could watch our son while I got in the shower. 

That's the mentality. 




PBear said:


> What kind of negative stuff was coming up in counselling? Personally, I'd give him the option of actively working on fixing things or actively working on separating. All you're doing now is enabling him to continue his negative behaviors. He has no reason to change, and people rarely change until some external force drives them to, in my experience.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

You've put up with this for 18 years... Was the surgery the trigger?

Personally, I wouldn't blame you for laying out some hard boundaries and enforcing them, even to the point of ending the marriage. But I seem to advocate that more often than I possibly should. Your husband isn't your marriage partner, from what you say in here. I just wouldn't want to be with someone like that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2

I've told him 3 separate times over last 5 years that I wanted divorce. The first time he went to therapy and I stopped it because I got scared. And the couple therapy was just obvious proof that he was a jack as*. And I panicked and just went back into denial. 

I guess I just keep think all marriages have problems. But is this one SO bad that I need to split our family? 

This last 2 weeks make me think yes. He is not going to change. He's not going to therapy and he isn't participating in any of the les Brown videos I watch etc. I am just motivated to find happiness. Sometimes it seems he is... But I just am not convinced these days. 



PBear said:


> You've put up with this for 18 years... Was the surgery the trigger?
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't blame you for laying out some hard boundaries and enforcing them, even to the point of ending the marriage. But I seem to advocate that more often than I possibly should. Your husband isn't your marriage partner, from what you say in here. I just wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bild-a-loco

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

To be blunt, it's time you realize you're married to a self-centered jacka$$ and move on with your life. If he won't take ten minutes to help you, or go to therapy, and he hasn't had sex with you in months - it's over and you just don't want to realize it. The boat has sunk - the fat lady has sung - use whatever analogy works for you, it is time he either demonstrates a remarkable change in personality or it is time for you to file divorce papers. Good luck M'dear, you do not deserve that kind of treatment.


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## 3Xnocharm

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*



thehardlife2 said:


> I feel lost. I'm scared of being alone. What would you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What would I do? I would divorce his ass, that's what I would do. Why the hell are you scared to be alone?? Alone is WAY better than dealing with a self centered a$$hole every day, who b!tches and complains about everything and everybody. I had one of those, and I left! That whole debacle over your surgery? That's your straw.


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## barbados

thehardlife2 said:


> *I've told him 3 separate times over last 5 years that I wanted divorce.* The first time he went to therapy and I stopped it because I got scared. And the couple therapy was just obvious proof that he was a jack as*. And I panicked and just went back into denial.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop making idle threats and start acting ! 
You have endured him for 18 years.

Get a lawyer and file for D ASAP !

At this point, re-hashing all his faults in counter productive. We get it, you married a jerk.

Time to start a new life for yourself and child. 

STOP BEING AFRAID !

Be a role model for your young child that your H is not !


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## thehardlife2

I can see on the surface that these things are just jumping out like landmines. Why would I give so much time and thought to someone he can't spare 10 minutes to help me get access to "our" money that's in HIS name.. to help me get surgery on my sinuses. 

When I asked him...why he couldn't have spared 10 minutes...he said that he was traveling and that running through the airport and then working...was too cumbersome for him. 

I told him that if that were "ME" I would definitely be sure to help him get something that would allow him to have his SURGERY. I wasn't asking for a phone number or a new blouse...I was asking for money for surgery.

He did apologize to a degree...but when I asked for therapy...he said no. He said that he didn't like being "balled out" for things that he thought I turned on him...that I "bait him" .... and set him up to fail. 

I don't think that's true... 

I'm scared to be alone...but I can see how this is truly a situation where I'm already basically living alone. 

I'm not a bad looking woman and I do have a great job. I make more than 6 figures...but we are so in debt that this will still be a difficult thing to maneuver out of ...

I got married at 22...so it's scary...to be alone. But, you are right. These are not the actions of someone who truly cares about me, right? He says he does...and at times his actions DO support that... but at other times... I get the above. 




barbados said:


> Stop making idle threats and start acting !
> You have endured him for 18 years.
> 
> Get a lawyer and file for D ASAP !
> 
> At this point, re-hashing all his faults in counter productive. We get it, you married a jerk.
> 
> Time to start a new life for yourself and child.
> 
> STOP BEING AFRAID !
> 
> Be a role model for your young child that your H is not !


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

thehardlife2 said:


> I can see on the surface that these things are just jumping out like landmines. Why would I give so much time and thought to someone he can't spare 10 minutes to help me get access to "our" money that's in HIS name.. to help me get surgery on my sinuses.
> 
> When I asked him...why he couldn't have spared 10 minutes...he said that he was traveling and that running through the airport and then working...was too cumbersome for him.
> 
> I told him that if that were "ME" I would definitely be sure to help him get something that would allow him to have his SURGERY. I wasn't asking for a phone number or a new blouse...I was asking for money for surgery.
> 
> He did apologize to a degree...but when I asked for therapy...he said no. He said that he didn't like being "balled out" for things that he thought I turned on him...that I "bait him" .... and set him up to fail.
> 
> I don't think that's true...
> 
> I'm scared to be alone...but I can see how this is truly a situation where I'm already basically living alone.
> 
> I'm not a bad looking woman and I do have a great job. I make more than 6 figures...but we are so in debt that this will still be a difficult thing to maneuver out of ...
> 
> I got married at 22...so it's scary...to be alone. But, you are right. These are not the actions of someone who truly cares about me, right? He says he does...and at times his actions DO support that... but at other times... I get the above.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The man had PLENTY of time AHEAD of your surgery to get the money for you, its not like it was a sudden emergency. He did not prioritize you and your health issue enough to take care of it. Also, he didnt even arrange his schedule to BE THERE with you for the surgery. Sorry excuse for a husband, in my opinion.


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## thehardlife2

Well I told him I needed the money on a Friday afternoon when I got the estimate of out of pocket from the doctor. He could have done it Saturday or online on Sunday.... Monday was when he said he was too busy. 

As for my surgery.. He was planning to be there for that. So I have to be fair on that. 

However a few years ago I had a medical procedure that I had to fly out to a specialist for. He did not come. He didn't even drive me to the airport. He said he was working. 





3Xnocharm said:


> The man had PLENTY of time AHEAD of your surgery to get the money for you, its not like it was a sudden emergency. He did not prioritize you and your health issue enough to take care of it. Also, he didnt even arrange his schedule to BE THERE with you for the surgery. Sorry excuse for a husband, in my opinion.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I'll stick with my original answer... Either he works actively on fixing your relationship, or you'll work actively on getting out of it. 

C
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## thehardlife2

I have asked twice now in the last month to go back to therapy together. I do individual currently. 

He said he didn't want to. I would imagine if I went home and said that's it. Here are divorce papers he would say okay okay let's try therapy.

My question I guess is ... Hasn't he already chosen not to work on it FOR REAL? I mean I'm sure w his back up against the wall I could force him to go but it wouldn't be genuine. So I guess I am thinking ... Why bother, right? 




PBear said:


> I'll stick with my original answer... Either he works actively on fixing your relationship, or you'll work actively on getting out of it.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

So you have your answer already. Now what are you going to do with it? What about counseling for yourself, to work on why you're so reluctant to get out of a bad relationship?

C
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## PBear

Btw, one of the issues I see is that you have no boundaries that you're willing to enforce. Thus he has no reason to believe you're "serious" about things this time. You've taught him that he can safely tune you out, and the fallout on him is minimal. Reversing that will be a long term project, I'd guess. And he'd be likely to keep changing and slipping back to old habits as you try to re-train him that you're serious. 

C
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## thehardlife2

Yes my issue is based on codependency. I've learned a lot about that in therapy. I see this marriage as better than some of the crap I went through growing up. So I tolerate it and deny that it isn't fulfilling. 

He wouldn't cheat on me. He doesn't flirt w women. He doesn't really even go out without me or my son. So I see things as manageable. But I can't deny that I am lonely and get scared that we will have no money in retirement years etc. It's tough... 

But it is on me. Why do I deny?



PBear said:


> Btw, one of the issues I see is that you have no boundaries that you're willing to enforce. Thus he has no reason to believe you're "serious" about things this time. You've taught him that he can safely tune you out, and the fallout on him is minimal. Reversing that will be a long term project, I'd guess. And he'd be likely to keep changing and slipping back to old habits as you try to re-train him that you're serious.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2

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## PBear

So I've got to ask, since you keep bringing it up. You're making 6 figures, but you're financially in bad shape. Have you addressed the reasons for that? And is there resentment festering in your relationship because of that?

Why is there no sex between you two? 

And finally, one of the first things you need to stop doing is making "threats" that you're not willng to back up with actions. Heck, even my kids caught on to that when they were 3 and 4 years old. When mom told them to do something, they could safely ignore her. When dad told them, they better go do it. Except you have no dad to back you up. 

C
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## michzz

If possible, get the money for surgery from him before scheduling it.

if it is for something really critical, get on him about it. Sit down at a computer with him and log in.

As for divorcing?

That could be in the cards, but get the health issue taken care of.


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## thehardlife2

Yes the financial problems are pretty much me trying to give my family more than we could afford. I am working on that. And yes I think I'm resentful of him for not being smarter and providing for us as opposed to him just constantly putting his hand out. 

Sex was about once a week until our son was born. Then resentment started to build. 
Then he started porn. And we have just had issues since then. Asked years ago for therapy for that. He did for porn and said be stopped that. 

Now I don't want sex with him and he no longer initiates. 




PBear said:


> So I've got to ask, since you keep bringing it up. You're making 6 figures, but you're financially in bad shape. Have you addressed the reasons for that? And is there resentment festering in your relationship because of that?
> 
> Why is there no sex between you two?
> 
> And finally, one of the first things you need to stop doing is making "threats" that you're not willng to back up with actions. Heck, even my kids caught on to that when they were 3 and 4 years old. When mom told them to do something, they could safely ignore her. When dad told them, they better go do it. Except you have no dad to back you up.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

So really, his best aspects are he won't cheat on you or flirt? That's all you've got?

My SO recommended a book called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave". Might be something to look into. 

And if you're the major breadwinner, why wasn't your name on the 401?

I know... You came in here for one simple question... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2

No it was his employment 401k. We had discussed taking the money from his because I already have a loan against mine. 

I would have taken care of it if I could, trust me 

The other issue is he has started working on his own ... And just getting contract work. He had not been having much success and a couple weeks ago he had the nerve to tell me that he was considering not working with a guy who was offering a 20k contract. He said that he didn't like his attitude and it wasn't worth the frustration. I told him that was unacceptable and If he found the guy rough around the edges... Have him communicate with me. He was not happy but reluctantly ended up submitting a bid for the work and it sounds like he ended up getting into the final round of candidates. And all he does is complain about it. 


That's what is so frustrating. We are broke. Grasping for straws and he wants to turn down biz cause he thinks the guy is too opinionated?! 

That's my husband. 




PBear said:


> So really, his best aspects are he won't cheat on you or flirt? That's all you've got?
> 
> My SO recommended a book called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave". Might be something to look into.
> 
> And if you're the major breadwinner, why wasn't your name on the 401?
> 
> I know... You came in here for one simple question...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

In a divorce, both the loan on your 401k (if taken out during the marriage), and the contents of his employment 401k are considered community property in many states. for example, in California.

You would have to compel him legally to split those assets in a divorce, with the help of a lawyer.


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## thehardlife2

Yes, I realize that would become an issue in divorce. But, right now we have bigger fish to fry. I will probably have to file bankruptcy. My husband had all of out debt in my name. I could make him take half and deal with it in divorce... Since it is marital property. But I don't know what the best answer is. 
I just want to find a sense of peace. That is what I've been lacking. And I know this will be difficult. My husband is not easy to deal with on these kinda if things. He's not rational. 



michzz said:


> In a divorce, both the loan on your 401k (if taken out during the marriage), and the contents of his employment 401k are considered community property in many states. for example, in California.
> 
> You would have to compel him legally to split those assets in a divorce, with the help of a lawyer.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> I have asked twice now in the last month to go back to therapy together. I do individual currently.
> 
> He said he didn't want to. I would imagine if I went home and said that's it. Here are divorce papers he would say okay let's try therapy.
> 
> My question I guess is ... Hasn't he already chosen not to work on it FOR REAL? I mean I'm sure w his back up against the wall I could force him to go but it wouldn't be genuine. So I guess I am thinking ... Why bother, right?



*
He has chosen right now to not to work on it but that can change.*

It seems like what you have presented is that you have two options


1	Divorce

2	Force him to go to therapy

If you choose force to therapy, then what ever you use to force him to go to therapy you must be prepared to follow through on the consequences if he backs out.* It is possible that with long term therapy and his following the therapy with ACTIONS he could change.*

There is more to this story because you are in such terrible financial shape with you making 6 figures and your husband is working at times. Unless you have had some great financial catastrophe, such as a medical situation that costs a great amount of money, there is a HUGE problem in your financial area and you have some responsibility for that.

*There is more to your story*


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## thehardlife2

Well yes we lived way above our means. It was both if our faults. But when I've asked to cut back on cars or lease payments for the house... He has resisted. He admits to that too. 
Now we are paying for it. 

And truth is when we did go to therapy.., he showed his true colors and it hurt. He couldn't remember how he "accidentally" hit our son. He always said it was an accident but then in therapy he couldn't remember how it happened. That was a few years ago... And he hasn't hurt him since, but it totally killed me. 

I must say I'm stuck. I don't believe he can change in large degrees... The past has shown me he makes excuses. 




Mr Blunt said:


> *
> 
> 
> He has chosen right now to not to work on it but that can change.*
> 
> It seems like what you have presented is that you have two options
> 
> 
> 1	Divorce
> 
> 2	Force him to go to therapy
> 
> If you choose force to therapy, then what ever you use to force him to go to therapy you must be prepared to follow through on the consequences if he backs out.* It is possible that with long term therapy and his following the therapy with ACTIONS he could change.*
> 
> There is more to this story because you are in such terrible financial shape with you making 6 figures and your husband is working at times. Unless you have had some great financial catastrophe, such as a medical situation that costs a great amount of money, there is a HUGE problem in your financial area and you have some responsibility for that.
> 
> *There is more to your story*


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## clipclop2

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

Nothing worse than him failing you and then asking you to feel sorry for him because he is such a loser.

Passive aggressive, unable to take real responsibility, big baby, selfish guy,


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## Mr Blunt

> Well yes we lived way above our means. It was both if our faults. But when I've asked to cut back on cars or lease payments for the house... He has resisted. He admits to that too.
> Now we are paying for it.
> 
> And truth is when we did go to therapy.., he showed his true colors and it hurt. He couldn't remember how he "accidentally" hit our son. He always said it was an accident but then in therapy he couldn't remember how it happened. That was a few years ago... And he hasn't hurt him since, but it totally killed me.
> 
> I must say I'm stuck.* I don't believe he can change in large degrees... *The past has shown me he makes excuses.



*You seem to have no hope for him. So unless you have another choice, all you have left is divorce.*

Your best choice maybe divorce that is your call. However, you state that when you wanted to cut back “He has resisted”. It is hard for me to think you were helpless in at least controlling some of that resisting because you make 6 figures. I do not make 6 figures and I have a helll of a lot of say in finances.

You say that your husband “accidently” hit your son but cannot remember how it happened. *What are you saying? *
*Are you saying that he hit him on purpose?*

Frankly, it looks like you want to get more support for divorcing him by bringing up insinuations that make him look bad. You do not need our support you can divorce him without any of us.


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## clipclop2

*Re: Is this normal? Or divorce worthy?*

She admits her faults. He rewrites or denies history.

You can't fix a problem with a guy who is so ashamed that he has to lie to a stranger rather than try to resolve his issues with his wife,

Think about it: his image with money is about external things and him covering up that he hit his kid is skt hiding from the judgment of the therapist. Where is the concern for his wife or child? It is all about him and his image.

I wonder if he is also envious of other people.


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## long_done

You make over 6 figures and you are broke??? WTF?

I'm sorry but I have zero sympathy for you. I make over 6 figures and I've managed to save a ton of money despite my wife not working at all. 

Grow up and take ahold of your financial situation. Listen to Dave Ramsey and attend Financial Peace University.

Holy cow you are your own worst enemy. You need to shape up or ship out, the same with your husband!


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## LongWalk

D_i_v_o_r_c_e


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## thehardlife2

Yes I appreciate the advice but please don't be mean. I agree I have enabled etc.. 
But in order to try to make everyone happy, I have avoided common sense and tried to please my husband. 
Were we careless? Absolutely. But we have gotten ourselves into financial obligations now (house/cars) that would cost more to get out of then they would to try to stay the course until the obligations 
Are over. For example, our house lease is too much, but breaking it would cost us a 2 month penalty... The loss of a 6k security deposit and moving expenses.

If you do the math... We would lose more if we moved than if we finished out the obligation. Was it a mistake? Yes. But in the big picture...staying the course and barely getting by is the smartest alternative. We can't get sued right now...

A couple years ago, I asked my husband to do Dave Ramsey. And we started it. I suggested we trade in our cars and pay cash for one of lesser value. He flipped out and suggested he get a mo-ped to drive around in. We have a child! Can't do that .. It was pure manipulation, of course. I see that now. 

It is just maddening... Should I have stood my ground THEN? Yes. But I was scared ... 




long_done said:


> You make over 6 figures and you are broke??? WTF?
> 
> I'm sorry but I have zero sympathy for you. I make over 6 figures and I've managed to save a ton of money despite my wife not working at all.
> 
> Grow up and take ahold of your financial situation. Listen to Dave Ramsey and attend Financial Peace University.
> 
> Holy cow you are your own worst enemy. You need to shape up or ship out, the same with your husband!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done

I'm sorry if it came across as mean, but you need a rude awakening. By trying to make everyone happy (including the petulant child you call your husband) now no one is happy. 

You and your husband lack total financial discipline and now you are paying the heavy price for it. What would it take to wake you up on this?? This is not fun and games, this is your financial security we're talking about!

Filing for bankruptcy when you make over 6 figures?? I can't even come close to comprehending that. Sorry if it's harsh, but you need a reality check from another person who makes over 6 figures and has no financial worries due to our frugality.

Your husband is a toxic financial influence. You either divorce him to protect yourself, or you choose to let him ruin your life. Good luck with whatever you choose, and remember only you and your kids will suffer, we won't. If I were you, I'd do what's best for your and the kids.



thehardlife2 said:


> Yes I appreciate the advice but please don't be mean. I agree I have enabled etc..
> But in order to try to make everyone happy, I have avoided common sense and tried to please my husband.
> Were we careless? Absolutely. But we have gotten ourselves into financial obligations now (house/cars) that would cost more to get out of then they would to try to stay the course until the obligations
> Are over. For example, our house lease is too much, but breaking it would cost us a 2 month penalty... The loss of a 6k security deposit and moving expenses.
> 
> If you do the math... We would lose more if we moved than if we finished out the obligation. Was it a mistake? Yes. But in the big picture...staying the course and barely getting by is the smartest alternative. We can't get sued right now...
> 
> A couple years ago, I asked my husband to do Dave Ramsey. And we started it. I suggested we trade in our cars and pay cash for one of lesser value. He flipped out and suggested he get a mo-ped to drive around in. We have a child! Can't do that .. It was pure manipulation, of course. I see that now.
> 
> It is just maddening... Should I have stood my ground THEN? Yes. But I was scared ...
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thehardlife2

Thank you. Yes I need that rude awakening for sure. 

And just this morning my son told me that his dad was "terrorizing him" last night. 

I said what? Why? How? He said that he was chasing him around the house tickling him and acting like a monster... Holding a spatula in his hand (like a knife) and staring at him (pretending to be a zombie). My son said he asked him to stop it and that he wouldn't. 

My son is 8. I was at work when this happened. My son says he was scared because his dad was not listening to him and that he was calling out for me. 

Does this sound like normal horse play? Is my son trying to milk me? Or is this something bizarre too? 





long_done said:


> I'm sorry if it came across as mean, but you need a rude awakening. By trying to make everyone happy (including the petulant child you call your husband) now no one is happy.
> 
> You and your husband lack total financial discipline and now you are paying the heavy price for it. What would it take to wake you up on this?? This is not fun and games, this is your financial security we're talking about!
> 
> Filing for bankruptcy when you make over 6 figures?? I can't even come close to comprehending that. Sorry if it's harsh, but you need a reality check from another person who makes over 6 figures and has no financial worries due to our frugality.
> 
> Your husband is a toxic financial influence. You either divorce him to protect yourself, or you choose to let him ruin your life. Good luck with whatever you choose, and remember only you and your kids will suffer, we won't. If I were you, I'd do what's best for your and the kids.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam

Find a good bankruptcy attorney and file for bankruptcy to get out from under this crushing debt.

Find a good divorce attorney and file for divorce pronto.

Find a small apartment for you and your son to live in, and LEARN TO LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS. If you don't have the cash to pay for it, you DO WITHOUT. No more "putting it on a credit card."

And finally, tell husband not to let the door hit him in the a$$ on his way out.

And stop being afraid of being alone. You already ARE alone.


----------



## michzz

thehardlife2 said:


> Yes, I realize that would become an issue in divorce. But, right now we have bigger fish to fry. *I will probably have to file bankruptcy. My husband had all of out debt in my name. *I could make him take half and deal with it in divorce... Since it is marital property. But I don't know what the best answer is.
> I just want to find a sense of peace. That is what I've been lacking. And I know this will be difficult. My husband is not easy to deal with on these kinda if things. He's not rational.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the 401K plan will become an asset to deal with in a bankruptcy as well.


----------



## thehardlife2

My husband says I can file for bankruptcy alone and he wants me to take on all the debt ... In the divorce. He says we can just divorce on paper.. I can file bankruptcy alone and then we can get back together debt free. 

He knew I went to see a bankruptcy attorney today. He called me and asked how it went. Then asked me what he could make me for dinner. Says he will be there for me though this... 




michzz said:


> the 401K plan will become an asset to deal with in a bankruptcy as well.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

Honestly, I've spent tonight crying. I can't believe it has come to this. He stepped up his cooking for me, to help ease my pain after requesting that I file for bankruptcy alone. I mean... Really? He wants me to take on all the debt. File divorce... So he can be free of the debt during bankruptcy and then get back together? That's what he wants. 

Isn't that just a blatant ass kicking? He made my fav meal... To help me feel better... About it all. 

That's just got me in tears. I'm hurt. 



thehardlife2 said:


> My husband says I can file for bankruptcy alone and he wants me to take on all the debt ... In the divorce. He says we can just divorce on paper.. I can file bankruptcy alone and then we can get back together debt free.
> 
> He knew I went to see a bankruptcy attorney today. He called me and asked how it went. Then asked me what he could make me for dinner. Says he will be there for me though this...
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

He is kissing your ass because he is trying to get you to do what HE wants. As far as the bankruptcy goes, you would be better off to divorce, then file, because if you are married, then you have to do a chapter 13 and pay it over the next five years. I suppose with your income you may have to do 13 anyway, but it would depend on your debt load, I'm sure. 

What a jerk.


----------



## thehardlife2

Yes trust me I knew exactly what he was doing and it turned my stomach, tbh. I just hate that he thinks he's so slick .., but I guess since it has always worked on me in the past... He will try it again. 

I will prob have to do chapter 13, regardless. I doubt I will get to a chapter 7. But basically he wants me to commit fraud... To keep him out of the bankruptcy. His argument is that he will be able to keep his credit for the sake of his freelance business. But what about me? 

I just hate this. It isn't pretty. 




3Xnocharm said:


> He is kissing your ass because he is trying to get you to do what HE wants. As far as the bankruptcy goes, you would be better off to divorce, then file, because if you are married, then you have to do a chapter 13 and pay it over the next five years. I suppose with your income you may have to do 13 anyway, but it would depend on your debt load, I'm sure.
> 
> What a jerk.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

thehardlife2 said:


> Yes trust me I knew exactly what he was doing and it turned my stomach, tbh. I just hate that he thinks he's so slick .., but I guess since it has always worked on me in the past... He will try it again.
> 
> I will prob have to do chapter 13, regardless. I doubt I will get to a chapter 7. But basically he wants me to commit fraud... To keep him out of the bankruptcy. *His argument is that he will be able to keep his credit for the sake of his freelance business. *But what about me?
> 
> I just hate this. It isn't pretty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


UGH! To hell with that. File for divorce, slap him with half the debt, then do your own bankruptcy! I was under the impression that the debt was all yours. That is seriously low of him, just...wow. He really thinks you are stupid.


----------



## bravenewworld

HL2 - I am a raging co-dependent. Now in recovery. You've gotten some great advice, but no one call tell you whether or not to leave your husband. Co-dependents have an unhealthy habit of substituting other people's judgement for their own. You've gotten some thoughtful advise/opinions on the thread, but at the end of the day it's YOUR decision. Take ownership and responsibility for that. What do YOU want? What are you afraid of? Seriously, if you left - what is your worst case scenario? 

Inside of them, every person has an unyielding well of strength to draw upon. Find yours. No more being scared. Seek resources. Re-connect with family. Talk with friends. Let people back in. And of course TAM is an amazing resource. 

I was in a similar situation regarding debt. Legally, he is half responsible for it. I recommend putting together a ledger with proof of all assets - his, joint, and yours. It's something both people in the relationship should have anyway. If you need to, get a P.I. and make sure he's not hiding anything. Lastly, if you are going to commit fraud, at least do it to save your own ass! To take on all the debt would be financial suicide. I'm guessing you are the primary caretaker for your children. How will you provide for them if you allow him to financially ruin you? 

I do agree with the posters who say your marriage is already over. And regardless of what you do, you'll have to live with the fact this man cannot be trusted.


----------



## thehardlife2

Yes you nailed it... I am def a co dependent. I have been in therapy for awhile. 

I think it is hard when you start to wake up and realize the bad decisions you made and how they have impacted your life. 

My husband has used manipulation and guilt to control me. Have I enabled? Absolutely. 
Is that my fault? Yes. But now stepping back and recognizing it is painful. And knowing the pain I'll have to endure to get out of this mess. 

Sure the easiest way is to split. File divorce. And then get back together so we can continue living in same house/same lease... 

But being stretched so thin will not be the long term answer. I need to right this ship and it is not going to be easy. Our poor son will feel the impact. 

I just couldn't believe that I went to bankruptcy attorney and then he starts talking about what he could surprise me with for dinner. Talk about waking up and seeing the manipulation. 

It's just unreal to me. I think... This can't be my husband. 




bravenewworld said:


> HL2 - I am a raging co-dependent. Now in recovery. You've gotten some great advice, but no one call tell you whether or not to leave your husband. Co-dependents have an unhealthy habit of substituting other people's judgement for their own. You've gotten some thoughtful advise/opinions on the thread, but at the end of the day it's YOUR decision. Take ownership and responsibility for that. What do YOU want? What are you afraid of? Seriously, if you left - what is your worst case scenario?
> 
> Inside of them, every person has an unyielding well of strength to draw upon. Find yours. No more being scared. Seek resources. Re-connect with family. Talk with friends. Let people back in. And of course TAM is an amazing resource.
> 
> I was in a similar situation regarding debt. Legally, he is half responsible for it. I recommend putting together a ledger with proof of all assets - his, joint, and yours. It's something both people in the relationship should have anyway. If you need to, get a P.I. and make sure he's not hiding anything. Lastly, if you are going to commit fraud, at least do it to save your own ass! To take on all the debt would be financial suicide. I'm guessing you are the primary caretaker for your children. How will you provide for them if you allow him to financially ruin you?
> 
> I do agree with the posters who say your marriage is already over. And regardless of what you do, you'll have to live with the fact this man cannot be trusted.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

thehardlife2 said:


> Sure the easiest way is to split. File divorce. And then get back together so we can continue living in same house/same lease...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS is total insanity!! WHY in the world would you even CONSIDER doing this?? If you get divorced then you are FREE of this soul sucker!


----------



## thehardlife2

It is the codependency I think that makes me think that life together is better than life alone. I hate the idea of splitting up our family. 

But I think at this point it is the only option. He said not I wish I had an extra 30k to take the pressure off..

Wouldn't most husbands do anything they could to save their families and their wife from filing bankruptcy? 




3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is total insanity!! WHY in the world would you even CONSIDER doing this?? If you get divorced then you are FREE of this soul sucker!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

thehardlife2 said:


> *It is the codependency I think that makes me think that life together is better than life alone. I hate the idea of splitting up our family. *
> 
> But I think at this point it is the only option. He said not I wish I had an extra 30k to take the pressure off..
> 
> Wouldn't most husbands do anything they could to save their families and their wife from filing bankruptcy?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is a terrible example for your child. You will both thrive in a life AWAY from this man.


----------



## Q tip

Tell him he is to take on 2/3 of the debt. You take the child and divorce. Once/if his 2/3 debt is clear, he pays alimony until child is 18.

Have the lawyers plan it this way. Since he's only happy when he's whining, make him happy.


----------



## survivorwife

thehardlife2 said:


> I don't think that's true...
> 
> *I'm scared to be alone..*.but I can see how this is truly a situation where I'm already basically living alone.
> 
> I'm not a bad looking woman and I do have a great job. I make more than 6 figures...but we are so in debt that this will still be a difficult thing to maneuver out of ...
> 
> *I got married at 22...so it's scary...to be alone. * But, you are right. These are not the actions of someone who truly cares about me, right? He says he does...and at times his actions DO support that... but at other times... I get the above.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm just reading along and THIS got my attention.

Define "alone"? Do you have family, friends, co-workers, people you know from your school days? A BFF perhaps? Someone?

You see, I sorta thought the same thing after ending a 30 year marriage. Alone. But I'm not. I have my sons, my family, co-workers and work associates, friends, so no, I am not "alone" unless I choose to be. And I'm not scared because there are people out there, that are not my Ex, that care about me.

You may have to redefine your social schedule, holidays and off-time, but you are only alone if you choose to be, especially with the advantage of the internet, most people are only a mouse-click away.

Please don't let the fear of being "alone" hold you back. Embraced it. Have fun with it. Reach out to people and reconnect with those people you have lost touch with.

Once you rid yourself of the burden of your situation, you will feel quite liberated. Trust me on this. I could not be happier finally being free again!


----------



## thehardlife2

Thank you for the insight, survivor wife. That makes me really understand that this IS possible. I just can't get over that my husband has gone back to business as usual. He is just waking up... Getting me coffee... Talking about life as if everything is JUST fine. 

He works from home and had a sitter yesterday too. He IS getting work which is good.. But he just doesn't seem motivated to do anything for us as a family... Out of his comfort zone. 

As for me... I'm always working and pushing ahead. Trying to find a way to make more money and it is exhausting. 

I know my husband loves me in his own way... But it just doesn't seem to give me very much out of the deal. 

I just don't have family ... That's healthy to be close with. I think I will need to find a church or a non profit to get involved with. I want to feel like I can still have fulfillment. 



survivorwife said:


> I'm just reading along and THIS got my attention.
> 
> Define "alone"? Do you have family, friends, co-workers, people you know from your school days? A BFF perhaps? Someone?
> 
> You see, I sorta thought the same thing after ending a 30 year marriage. Alone. But I'm not. I have my sons, my family, co-workers and work associates, friends, so no, I am not "alone" unless I choose to be. And I'm not scared because there are people out there, that are not my Ex, that care about me.
> 
> You may have to redefine your social schedule, holidays and off-time, but you are only alone if you choose to be, especially with the advantage of the internet, most people are only a mouse-click away.
> 
> Please don't let the fear of being "alone" hold you back. Embraced it. Have fun with it. Reach out to people and reconnect with those people you have lost touch with.
> 
> Once you rid yourself of the burden of your situation, you will feel quite liberated. Trust me on this. I could not be happier finally being free again!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MaritimeGuy

Would you even trust him to stick by you after you accepted all the debt and declared bankruptcy? Seems to me once you're down that road he could just 'change his mind' and you'd be on your own without credit. 

Also, I'm no expert on bankruptcy but wouldn't your creditors see through this anyhow?


----------



## PBear

What's the income division between you and your husband? 50/50?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

He keeps saying he hates that I have to go through this but feels it is the only way to avoid having our paychecks levied and accounts frozen. He doesn't know that can't happen in our state. It isn't legal. But I'm not going to tell him that. I'm just going to quietly proceed. Actually if he thinks that the divorce isn't "real" and that we will get back together and I will continue to support him (I make a lot more than he does) then he won't read the fine print of the divorce. In fact he suggested I do it online and just make it official.., so I tend to think that I can put just about anything I want in there. 

Sad. But true. This could really backfire on him. 




MaritimeGuy said:


> Would you even trust him to stick by you after you accepted all the debt and declared bankruptcy? Seems to me once you're down that road he could just 'change his mind' and you'd be on your own without credit.
> 
> Also, I'm no expert on bankruptcy but wouldn't your creditors see through this anyhow?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

No. I carry most income. He works freelance. And I pay his insurance etc. 
He just wants me to get rid of the debt and then get back together... Probably for the lifestyle. 



PBear said:


> What's the income division between you and your husband? 50/50?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

thehardlife2 said:


> No. I carry most income. He works freelance. And I pay his insurance etc.
> He just wants me to get rid of the debt and then get back together... Probably for the lifestyle.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I would do then is use his sense of denial to your benefit and try to negotiate a very minimal support arrangement. After all, it's not a real divorce, and he'll be all "taken care of"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

PBear said:


> What I would do then is use his sense of denial to your benefit and try to negotiate a very minimal support arrangement. After all, it's not a real divorce, and he'll be all "taken care of"...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## PBear

Actually, scratch that... You should work with your bankruptcy and family law people to make sure that everything is done legally and appropriately. The LAST thing you need is to go through a bankruptcy and then find out it's invalid and you're still on the hook for everything. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

What is so hard is people love him. And he is so polite and kind to me (unless pressured) and I feel like I'm the crazy one for doing this. I think is this really happening? 

Could I force him to file with me and work on this marriage? Sure. But I have to remember that I have asked him countless times to go to therapy and while I didn't hold a gun to his head... He chose no. 

So what's the point if forcing him? I have tried therapy with him years ago and he was a stubborn arse. So why would It be any different?

Sorry just trying to vent and keep focus. I just can't believe in actually doing this. But otherwise I'm just wasting my life, right? 




PBear said:


> Actually, scratch that... You should work with your bankruptcy and family law people to make sure that everything is done legally and appropriately. The LAST thing you need is to go through a bankruptcy and then find out it's invalid and you're still on the hook for everything.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

The point to forcing him to file with you is to make sure that your creditors don't come back after you think it's all taken care of and think you've been hiding assets that they should have had access to. I've never been through a bankruptcy, but my understanding is that you don't want to mess with that. Just lay everything out to your resources, and if that doesn't work for that guy you live with, too bad, so sad. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

Yes I see that... But after talking with bankruptcy attorney... Going through this after divorce will probably be easier and quicker for me. 

I think the question just revolves around whether I am actually divorcing or not. 

Will life without him and my family unit be better? Certainly going to be harder financially.... 

But is it worth it? 



PBear said:


> The point to forcing him to file with you is to make sure that your creditors don't come back after you think it's all taken care of and think you've been hiding assets that they should have had access to. I've never been through a bankruptcy, but my understanding is that you don't want to mess with that. Just lay everything out to your resources, and if that doesn't work for that guy you live with, too bad, so sad.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

thehardlife2 said:


> Yes I see that... But after talking with bankruptcy attorney... Going through this after divorce will probably be easier and quicker for me.
> 
> I think the question just revolves around whether I am actually divorcing or not.
> 
> Will life without him and my family unit be better? Certainly going to be harder financially....
> 
> But is it worth it?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES

I have lived this, I never regretted either of my divorces for a single day.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By thehardlife*
> Will life without him and my family unit be better? Certainly going to be harder financially....
> 
> But is it worth it?




You are a co-dependant that has been in therapy for that condition.

Your husband has taken advantage of your co-dependency with manipulations and guilt for his gain and your loss.

Your husband would not even get money so that you could have an operation and the last operation you had he did not drive you to the airport or even come visit you

You do not have sex with him and resent him and he was into porn.

He wants you to commit fraud for his benefit

Your husband has repeatedly refused to go to therapy to help your marriage get better

I want to answer in a way that will not add to your pain because I know you are hurting big time. However, the truth will set you free.



You are in a trap in more ways than one:

You have been in therapy for awhile and you have ask the question of 
*Will life without him and my family unit be better?*


*Read my summary above that was based on your own words and that should answer your question!*


If you were stronger emotionally you would not have to ask us that question. I am not putting you down about your weakness because most people have weaknesses but that is a MAJOR reason you are in the shape you are in. So the first trap that I see is *YOUR OWN EMOITIONAL STRENGTH BEING WEAK!*

The second trap is that you are now in a *bad financial situation* where there is no easy ways out


The third trap I see is that you desperately* need approval and love* and your husband is showing you the opposite.


The forth trap I see is that you *do not have anyone (Family)* to help you make the right moves.



One thing that I can say is that you are a mentally smart lady that is looking for ways to get out of your traps. As far as the last trap I mentioned, your statement below looks like an option that can help. RUN forest RUN to that option!
*I think I will need to find a church or a non profit to get involved with. *







*I want to feel like I can still have fulfillment.*
As for this statement I think you can.

You are a good looking woman that has good intellectual abilities and you make a good living. *You do need to get stronger in the emotion category and take some bold steps so that you can start rebuilding your life.* I know you are very scared to take those bold steps but what options do you have?


Make a plan to get stronger, work that plan even if it takes months or even years and take the actions you intellectually know is the best for you and your child. Right now you maybe are too emotionally weak to do that; hope I am wrong and you can do it now. In any case you can be stronger in the future.


Continue to get therapy for your weaknesses but if you are not getting substantially stronger then dump that therapist and get another therapist or other help. Remember that you are going to have to push yourself to do some things that you are afraid of in order to get better. NO PAIN---NO GAIN. Do not look for the easy way out because there are no easy ways out. *If you have a good therapist and you do your part you will have fulfillment in the future!*

*Blunt*


----------



## thehardlife2

Mr. Blunt,

Thank you....reading your response was very helpful...because you did lay out the facts in a way that made me swallow my situation in an objective way. 

I have had such an emotional day and normally this stuff has been suppressed. Really feeling these emotions is not easy.

I give credit to those here who feel that their divorces were helpful and gateways to recovery...I don't know how long it will be before I will feel that strong, but I have to rip the Band-Aid.

My husband is just along for the ride. The craziest thing is I KNOW that part of him really loves me. I can see that...and at times, I think he would drop anything to help me. But, it has to seem important to him...by HIS definition. just because my surgery funds seemed important to me... he didn't LISTEN when I told him I NEEDED it by a certain date/time. 

If I had cancer or something like that...I would like to think this would be a different situation and he would truly be there. 

Today...I had an awful day with this divorce/bankruptcy on my mind and I had a tough day at work. And I posted on FB that I was really missing my Dad today... (he's in Heaven, I believe)... he liked the post along with a lot of other people....but when I came home for dinner tonight...he never even asked me why I look like I've been crying for hours or why I posted that. Not a word. 

Does that mean he doesn't care? Possibly. He was all nice and offering to make me dinner though. 

So...I have an appointment with a divorce attorney tomorrow and will be also talking to my bankruptcy attorney.

Going through divorce AND bankruptcy is a lot...I think for anyone. My husband has it in his head that it's just a pretend separation... I haven't told him that it is for REAL.....he's just gonna have to figure that out on his own. 

I doubt he will be very nice to me after that...but there's nothing he can really do....at this point. Damage is done.

I am also going to my therapist tomorrow. I truly hope that will help more, as well.

And then I have SURGERY next week. It's a stressful time. 



Mr Blunt said:


> You are a co-dependant that has been in therapy for that condition.
> 
> Your husband has taken advantage of your co-dependency with manipulations and guilt for his gain and your loss.
> 
> Your husband would not even get money so that you could have an operation and the last operation you had he did not drive you to the airport or even come visit you
> 
> You do not have sex with him and resent him and he was into porn.
> 
> He wants you to commit fraud for his benefit
> 
> Your husband has repeatedly refused to go to therapy to help your marriage get better
> 
> I want to answer in a way that will not add to your pain because I know you are hurting big time. However, the truth will set you free.
> 
> 
> 
> You are in a trap in more ways than one:
> 
> You have been in therapy for awhile and you have ask the question of
> *Will life without him and my family unit be better?*
> 
> 
> *Read my summary above that was based on your own words and that should answer your question!*
> 
> 
> If you were stronger emotionally you would not have to ask us that question. I am not putting you down about your weakness because most people have weaknesses but that is a MAJOR reason you are in the shape you are in. So the first trap that I see is *YOUR OWN EMOITIONAL STRENGTH BEING WEAK!*
> 
> The second trap is that you are now in a *bad financial situation* where there is no easy ways out
> 
> 
> The third trap I see is that you desperately* need approval and love* and your husband is showing you the opposite.
> 
> 
> The forth trap I see is that you *do not have anyone (Family)* to help you make the right moves.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that I can say is that you are a mentally smart lady that is looking for ways to get out of your traps. As far as the last trap I mentioned, your statement below looks like an option that can help. RUN forest RUN to that option!
> *I think I will need to find a church or a non profit to get involved with. *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *I want to feel like I can still have fulfillment.*
> As for this statement I think you can.
> 
> You are a good looking woman that has good intellectual abilities and you make a good living. *You do need to get stronger in the emotion category and take some bold steps so that you can start rebuilding your life.* I know you are very scared to take those bold steps but what options do you have?
> 
> 
> Make a plan to get stronger, work that plan even if it takes months or even years and take the actions you intellectually know is the best for you and your child. Right now you maybe are too emotionally weak to do that; hope I am wrong and you can do it now. In any case you can be stronger in the future.
> 
> 
> Continue to get therapy for your weaknesses but if you are not getting substantially stronger then dump that therapist and get another therapist or other help. Remember that you are going to have to push yourself to do some things that you are afraid of in order to get better. NO PAIN---NO GAIN. Do not look for the easy way out because there are no easy ways out. *If you have a good therapist and you do your part you will have fulfillment in the future!*
> 
> *Blunt[/SIZE]*


----------



## thehardlife2

So I filed divorce today. My husband thinks that this is just part of the formality for the bankruptcy...and just said "i'll do whatever you need me to do".... So, I guess this is all really happening.

I told him today that we are going to need to get a separate apartment/address for the filing ...and he said he would do that. He seems to just be going with the flow...telling me to just handle it all. 

Of course, he assumes we won't REALLY live separately and this isn't REALLY happening...and honestly, I find myself in that denial too. 

It seems so compartmentalized. I don't have any family or friends to really tell ...so I felt like I'd come here for moral support. If I told my family they'd tell me I was making a mistake.... 

I'm just feeling numb. Normal?


----------



## PBear

I think you're still in the "normal" zone. Sorry you're going through this. 

Btw... Why does your husband have such a relaxed "freelance" job? How many hours does he work a week? And what did your filing say about support, division of assets, and custody of your child?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thehardlife2

He chose to have this "job" because he didn't want to work for anyone anymore...

I haven't filled out the final decree yet .and since he thinks this is just "fake" ...I can basically write whatever I want in there...within reason.

I'm just going to be fair...since I am basically just calling him on his own bluff. I will do 50/50 custody...and no child support or spousal support for either of us. Since I make the majority of the money.. it will be actually a huge benefit to me. I don't think if this was FOR REAL in his head...that he would just sit back quietly and allow this... this way.

So...this will be me calling his bluff. Am I being a snake? Sort of...but he's the one who doesn't want to file bankruptcy as a COUPLE ... so if I have to be separated from him to file...there's not law that says I have to get back together with him. Right?


----------



## PBear

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. But to be realistic, in a lot of cases child support is a fluid thing. And it's for the good of the child. So even if you get him to sign off on no support, you may still have to pay child support in the future. Your lawyer will be your best source of possibilities. 

C
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## thehardlife2

Oh I look at this whole thing...as I will always pay for everything for my son. I don't really want anything to come between me and him... I will pay whatever is necessary for my child. 

Whatever the bill...I'll pay it. He's the most important thing.


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## PBear

I'm just saying... When you look at your post-divorce budget, keep in mind that you may be coughing up for child support even though that's not what the agreement says. But I sure wouldn't start there. It sounds like your husband could use a good dose of financial reality first. 

C
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## tech-novelist

I've read a lot of threads on this board, and sometimes it's not clear what the right course of action is.

This isn't one of those times. He's worse than a dead weight.

Divorce him, then claim bankruptcy.


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## thehardlife2

Thanks for the insight... I must admit it feels very strange to be living normally and knowing I filed for divorce yesterday. I don't want him to start fighting me or anything so I'm just acting like it is business as usual. 

All he knows is I filed paperwork yesterday related to legally seperating. He just said "ok do what you have to do". When I came home last night I mentioned that I was having a very stressful day and he just ignored me for the most part. He watched tv and never asked a single question. 

I want him to just go with the flow and not get suspicious of the terms etc... So I'm staying very key. I feel so awful but I recognize it is the best thing to do. It's like I'm living a double life. 

If I had a lot of money I wouldn't act this way. Bit I don't. And I have no idea how we are going to do this. Our lease is one I can't afford on my own and I don't want to have to uproot my son. We have a year left on it. And we certainly can't afford an extra household right now. So I feel very trapped by finances. 



technovelist said:


> I've read a lot of threads on this board, and sometimes it's not clear what the right course of action is.
> 
> This isn't one of those times. He's worse than a dead weight.
> 
> Divorce him, then claim bankruptcy.


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## MaritimeGuy

Very few people in this world don't feel trapped by their finances. We all dream of having what I've heard referred to as 'f*ck you' money. Which basically means you have enough money to do what you want and not worry about anything. 

Your husbands response is beyond odd to me. When I was going through my divorce I felt like my whole world was being pulled from beneath my feet. I was terrified of all the possible outcomes that were running through my head. He on the other hand seems to have his head firmly buried in the sand...or perhaps somewhere else. 

It doesn't sound to me as if you're being sneaky. You're telling him everything you're doing he just chooses not to hear. Odd...


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## 3Xnocharm

Maybe he is planning the same thing that you are, to go along as if this divorce is temporary. I cant help feeling that he has some hidden agenda.


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## happy as a clam

Talk to your lawyer, but make sure you include this language in the spousal support section: something along the lines of "The Court retains NO jurisdiction over the matter of spousal support." Your lawyer will know exactly how to word it in your state. Otherwise, your husband can petition the court down the road to "revisit" the spousal support and adjust it accordingly if he is not earning enough.

If that language is included, the spousal support issue can never be brought up by him again, the Court has no authority to adjust it.


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