# Time to move to this section



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I have been sharing my story in the general discussion area for months now. Two weeks ago she left me, which qualifies as a seperation.

We started MC Saturday as she had second thoughts after leaving, but her 10% efforts to help repair are now like 1% with her living with her sisters family.

All and all I am taking the blame for a MLC and she exhibited the Walk Away Wife Syndrome to the tee. I am not saying I do not have faults, but my biggest is likely being a nice guy which certainly did not help her feelings for me.

I would welcome thoughts on how to move forward. I am doing the 180 best I can. Have failed several times as my heart and love for her got in the way. As I see it now she claimed to the MC that she wants to repair the marriage, but her actions come up short.

She no longer is wearing her wedding band, which sends a signal to me and to others of not being interested in her current marriage.
And she continues to take more stuff to her sisters.

I am receiving mixed signals and would be interested to hear thoughts on dealing with this. My heart wants to believe there is hope, but my gut is saying prepare for failure of this marriage. All the work and effort I could do will not help her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude...just gotta ride this out and do the 180 for yourself. It's only been 2 weeks. My husband didn't see the light for almost 3 months.

Or...file papers. Either decision you make, it will be a rough road.

 Sucks.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Dude...just gotta ride this out and do the 180 for yourself. It's only been 2 weeks. My husband didn't see the light for almost 3 months.
> 
> Or...file papers. Either decision you make, it will be a rough road.
> 
> Sucks.


I know, I know. Although it has been almost 10 months of shock of hearing the D word and over a year of her lost feelings for me. Just got to stay with the 180.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, and it does suck...then one day, it doesn't suck anymore.

But do yourself a favor and get your guitar working or buy a new guitar. Get that piano (even though I know they're expensive) and just get busy with music. It's good for the soul....AND a boy playing guitar is sexy as hell LOL...start tuning that skill


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, and it does suck...then one day, it doesn't suck anymore.
> 
> But do yourself a favor and get your guitar working or buy a new guitar. Get that piano (even though I know they're expensive) and just get busy with music. It's good for the soul....AND a boy playing guitar is sexy as hell LOL...start tuning that skill


You know just what to say. OK then! I am on a mission.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

See! Pour yourself into something EXCITING and not into your wife, who clearly doesn't deserve it. It's a good mission to have. Music is food for the soul. Do it. Make it your music room.  Excited for you!!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Got round two tonight with the MC.

This is brilliant! 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I have MC in about 3 hours and am very tired from lack of sleep last night. I get a bit edgy and fear I may not hold up the 180 so well. Hopefully acknowledging this now will help me.

Wish me well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Breathe and just remember what you want. Don't lose this battle, but win the war (whatever it is you decide it is). 

Good luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I have to tell you I believe I screwed up again. I promised to pick her up at the train station, take her to dinner, then to MC and then back about 1/2 hour out of the way where she is living now.

I am feeling not only tired, but like a complete failure of the 180.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Just got back from the MC. I like her. She focused most of her questions on the WAW. As bad as the WAW tried to make our fights sound, I think the MC picked up that they must not be that bad. She even commented at the end that we seem to have a better than average foundation to build on. 

The more I hear and have been able to step back and observe, the more I believe she is dealing with a MLC and I just was an easy target to blame her unhappiness on. I would never say I am a perfect guy, certainly did not hear her crys from deep within, but when I look back on our lives over the past decade and more, it was a very good marriage and not the stories she is telling today.

Hello holidays, be gentle on me!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're not a failure. Just keep doing what you're doing. 180 is for YOU. you will feel better once you establish new patterns and routines.

Glad therapy went well. Hopefully it goes good the next time too


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Having trouble getting good sleep. Woke at 3 am and could not get back to sleep. Even took a Benadryl at bedtime. Oh well, this too shall pass.

After the session last might it has become even more clear that I need to move on with my life. My hope is diminishing that she will find our marriage is worth saving. Her leaving and the revisionist stories that I have been hearing with the MC are certainly being told to her family and friends and may be too damaging to repair. I noticed some of her family de-friended me on FB.

I sense I am starting to accept that I need to move on, but hold on loosely as the song says. I been the one that believed the glass was mostly full in our relationship, but seeing her talk about how her glass is mostly empty is now making mine spill.

I will make it, with or without her!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Was just thinking of some of the things said last night at MC. She was putting down The Marriage Fitness book as too demanding with having to call or email 5 times a day (really only 3 and I only asked for 1) to check in and say hi. I have saved the emails she had with her coworker, 10 year younger taller and in her words interesting ex baseball player. She was emailing him 8 times a day on some days, but did not have time to send me 1 according to her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This is me said:


> Was just thinking of some of the things said last night at MC. She was putting down The Marriage Fitness book as too demanding with having to call or email 5 times a day (really only 3 and I only asked for 1) to check in and say hi. I have saved the emails she had with her coworker, 10 year younger taller and in her words interesting ex baseball player. She was emailing him 8 times a day on some days, but did not have time to send me 1 according to her.


Sounds like she may be having an EA, most women won't leave the security of a marriage without having a backup plan (exit affair). 

If you are wearing your ring, take it off. I would also cancel MC sessions because I have never seen MC save a marriage. Most WAW go to MC to look like they are trying but its all a front. You might do IC to get your head clear but I can tell you right now what you are doing isn't helping.

If there's a snowball's chance in hell of a R, it will be from her chasing you down after you gave up on her. You can't "nice" them back, all that ends up doing is pushing them away.

Tell her you are done, that you will file for a divorce and for now on all communication will only be for dealing with the details. Don't contact her and ignore any non-vital contact from her and don't respond to personal stuff. Being in limbo does not benefit you, all it does it postpone her from dropping the bomb on you. Start taking control back and making decisions for yourself instead of waiting on her. Right now she is not into R so move on and see if she tries to stop you down the road. 

Its going to look "rude" from her point of view but its necessary for her to see how life is going to be without you in it as her safety net. When the reality of you being gone forever hits her in the face she will have a wake up call. The best thing you can do now is throw in the towel and give up. Ironically, that's when they usually start to come around.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with the MC....don't do it. Do some IC and work on you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not sure I've ever seen people recommend to end MC so soon - but - to be honest - didn't work for me either...food for thought...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thinking through some of the exaggerations of stories last night, her not wearing her wedding band and controlling our situation is really not showing me her number one goal. Repair the marriage.

I understand she may need space, but what good comes from lies?

I dropped her off at her sisters and thought this is bizarre. I can't even imagine us being married anymore, which was sad to realize. She has lost hope, and now I have. I can't imagine being with her family, and she is probably thought the same thing.

She has had an exit plan for a long time and it just feels like I have been dragged through the mud. She gives me an occassional sign of hope but then she is back to the cold alien who took over my wifes life.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This day just feels like it is all coming to a head. I just checked our credit card account and see a posting for lunch today at the restaurant she went to with the baseball player before. She knows I know they went there in the past and I know she knows I will see the bill there. It is not close to her office and she doen't frequent the place, which makes me think she is sending a message. 

Do I confronter her or ignore it. She knows this is getting to me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> This day just feels like it is all coming to a head. I just checked our credit card account and see a posting for lunch today at the restaurant she went to with the baseball player before. She knows I know they went there in the past and I know she knows I will see the bill there. It is not close to her office and she doen't frequent the place, which makes me think she is sending a message.
> 
> Do I confronter her or ignore it. She knows this is getting to me.


Do a 180 and ignore it.

I went through stuff like this for 2 years.

She likely wants out - but she's afraid of being alone. You are her fallback. She will continue to give you glimmers of hope to keep you hanging on - but most of her time will be spent doing things that have nothing to do with you.

If she's at lunch with a baseball player, you are likely nowhere in her head. At all.

The ONLY time I ever truly felt my wife pull closer was when I had created enough ditance to scare her into thinking I might not be there for her when she falls.

But even then - the second she seemed to be "back" - I welcomed her home with open arms - and things went right back to bad.

If you really wan to do what's right - cancel the card...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think you are right. Matter of fact she ordered a new one that just arrived today. 

You are right. 180 and ignore her. I need to move on. I hate the fact she has me half in with counseling, when it is clear she just does not care.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I felt like I was losing it today. I always hated rollercoasts!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> I felt like I was losing it today. I always hated rollercoasts!!!


Bad news is that from what little I've read today, you've still got quite a ride ahead of you.

Can't tell you how many times I thought 'THIS IS IT! I'M DONE!'

And then - some glimmer of hope pulls you back in.

You're the only one who knows your situation, but you're also blinded by your own hopes and dreams. You're the one that can't see the forest for the trees as they say.

In other words - make sure your belt is tight and the bar in front of you is secure - and hang on tight...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The only reason I suggested quitting MC right now is that she (from what he said) wasn't too into it.

Isn't true that if MC will work, then BOTH people need to want to make it work? Or am I wrong on that....To me, sitting in MC with a spouse who would rather be somewhere else is a waste of my sanity and my time. I'd rather do IC and work on me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> The only reason I suggested quitting MC right now is that she (from what he said) wasn't too into it.
> 
> Isn't true that if MC will work, then BOTH people need to want to make it work? Or am I wrong on that....To me, sitting in MC with a spouse who would rather be somewhere else is a waste of my sanity and my time. I'd rather do IC and work on me.


From experience, I cannot disagree...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> The only reason I suggested quitting MC right now is that she (from what he said) wasn't too into it.
> 
> Isn't true that if MC will work, then BOTH people need to want to make it work? Or am I wrong on that....To me, sitting in MC with a spouse who would rather be somewhere else is a waste of my sanity and my time. I'd rather do IC and work on me.


I agree. She claims her goal is to Repair the Marriage. Her actions (no ring on the finger and blame mode) express something else.

I was torn today and frustrated with thinking of her non truth tales and exaggerations. But she is there, which is a sliver of hope.

Our next sessions will be one hour each alone with the MC. My goal was to walk into it and talk about the WAW, MLC and EA. I won't be doing any of this. Along with this MC I am also doing 3 sessions with a Michele Weiner Davis counselor who advised me not to mention any of that and only to offer up what I believe I did wrong and how I can fix it. There is some wisdom in this.

My inital thought and approach would be opening a can of worms and likely end this MC opportunity with her. Nothing gained.

So 180 onward.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I also asked my MC to recommend an IC for me. 

I would like to order a long road ahead and a healthier me on the other side please!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

This is me said:


> Was just thinking of some of the things said last night at MC. She was putting down The Marriage Fitness book as too demanding with having to call or email 5 times a day (really only 3 and I only asked for 1) to check in and say hi. I have saved the *emails she had with her coworker, 10 year younger taller and in her words interesting ex baseball player. She was emailing him 8 times a day on some days, but did not have time to send me 1 according to her.*


There's the smoking gun that killed your marriage!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

TIM: Please make sure to get the joint credit cards and accounts closed. It is important to cut the "blood flow" from the affair your wife is having (with the ex-BB player). Everything she does for past two weeks and moving forward is on her own dime.

Wouldn't hurt to put a notice in the paper in the legal notices section of the classifieds that says in effect that "I, This_is_me, as of Nov XX, 2011 are no longer responsible for debts and obligations of This_is_me's STBXW." or talk to a lawyer quick! This will help clear up any legal liability issues. Talking to a lawyer would be MORE advisable at this point.

Change the locks on the door (if you already haven't) and put anything left of hers in some garbage bags on the front lawn. Send her a text to pick them up before garbage day.


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