# Post Gastric Bypass Marital Issues



## ElmerFudd (Jun 16, 2009)

Spouse had Gastric Bypass Surgery a while back and I'm having real difficulty with her change. Emotionally and also physically, she has changed and I understand, but it's hard to grasp and I can see our relationship fading after 20+ years. Anyone else have issues relatiing to this?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I had the lapband about 4 years ago. The changes, as you said are phyical and emotional. 

Our relationship changed also during the last 4 years. Mostly for the worst. I would suggest that your wife/you undergo individual counseling. It helps figure things out. Perhaps also do marriage counseling a little later. Either way, you both will need to do some heavy work.

There are drastic unexpected changed after this life event. You begin to see things different and want to participate in life. 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Too vague...what changes...is she feeling better about herself, more confident, what?

If that is the case and you see your relationship fading, is it perhaps because she is attracting and possibly seeking, though not consciously, more attention from other men? And you're starting to feel insecure? The easiest way to get over that is to ravish her...

If it's going in the opposite direction, if she's depressed and has even less self esteem...then there are other problems.

Can you expound a little please?

Preacher


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## eli8158 (Jul 3, 2009)

I had the surgery and I feel much better about myself but my marriage has suffered. My husband wanted me to lose some weight but "not that much." He never bothered to support me during the surgery or the pre-op so he never learned about all the changes I would go through although I note he was the one who insisted I have the surgery. So he is unhappy I am about 60 pounds lighter than he would have liked. This man will never be happy though. He has never told me I was beautiful or pretty or cute. He just always says get surgery, get implants, change your hair, wear this, change that. But the bottom line I think is that many larger people feel unattractive and often their spouses are taking advantage of that weakness. once you lose weight it makes a huge difference in how you are treated and looked at and you really gain confidence that those spouses were not expecting. So this really impacts your relationship because it can shift the balance of power for lack of a better word.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

I had gastric bypass in Dec 08 & this is the thinnest I have ever been. I slowly started to change but nothing that would hurt my spouse. Right now we are going thru some issues but it has nothing to do with my weight loss. I just recently started dressing sexier but only for him. My hair, makeup, & nails are different. He has started to take notice & he does like it a lot.

This proceedure is a huge emotional roller coaster so your going to see major changes. You have to give an example to really say if its normal or not.


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## shawn3497 (Jul 3, 2009)

going through the same thing pal, if you want to talk give me a shout and we can exchange numbers


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

ElmerFudd said:


> Spouse had Gastric Bypass Surgery a while back and I'm having real difficulty with her change. Emotionally and also physically, she has changed and I understand, but it's hard to grasp and I can see our relationship fading after 20+ years. Anyone else have issues relatiing to this?


A friend of mine had GB and after seeing what she deals with I dont know how anyone can have that done. For one, she can no longer eat more than an oz at a time. Why even do this surgery? Just cut back on food.
She passes out sometimes and is always freezing.
She then met a guy and went crazy like a school girl and waited 3 years to marry him because he did not want to marry. 
She was all over him and going out dancing and drinking hunting him down. I went to the wedding and all I could think of was O.M.G. at the whole thing. 
Here she was a 45 year old woman, divorced 2 x already and going into a 3rd marriage with a guy who didn't want to be married.... with her adult kids at the wedding and a bunch od people she met at the bar.
I believe that surgery made her crazy !


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

To Add:
She told me at one time she weighed 400 pounds.

I didn't know her then... and she said, the doctors told her she was going to die if she didn't lose weight.
When I did know her, she wasn't thin, she was still overweight, about 180-200 pounds and had very saggy skin. She said they were going to remove excess skin in another surgery.
I think from the way she acted, she was trying to get all the life out of life she could as she had so many health problems, she 
was going to die young.
Her brain was shot.... she could not remember anything. The guy she married, was a party-guy and in no way husband material. I don't even keep in touch with her anymore because I want to avoid all the drama I know her life is going that way.
She emailed me like 4x asking me when I was getting married and I keep telling her I already am !


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Preso
Gastric bypass & lap band is not for everyone. Some people are ok with it & others are not. It is easy for someone who may not have been overweight to disagree & say cut back on food. Its not that easy.

I have struggled with my weight since childhood. I tried everything growing up. I have topped over 350lbs at certain times in my life. I had to do some real soul searching before I even considered doing the procedure. Last year (Feb) I weighed 334lbs & started the process to have the surgery. When I had the surgery I weighed 274lbs & now I weigh 209lbs. So obviously I could lose weight on my own but I never wanted it to come back. I also but myself in counseling before I even signed up for the surgery so I could work on my issues. 

I can eat 4oz of food & I do everything else like everyone who hasn't had it. Some people react differently to the surgery then others. I wanted it so I could be there for my family in the future. Too many heart attacks & other health issues in my family so that scared me.

Would I go through the process again? Sure because after all the stress I have been going through since Dec 08 I haven't managed to return to my old habits. I also deal with situation differently then I use too. 

I am finally feel better about myself & looking good too. I have my flaws with my body but I will live with it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Heidiw said:


> Preso
> Gastric bypass & lap band is not for everyone. Some people are ok with it & others are not. It is easy for someone who may not have been overweight to disagree & say cut back on food. Its not that easy.
> 
> I have struggled with my weight since childhood. I tried everything growing up. I have topped over 350lbs at certain times in my life. I had to do some real soul searching before I even considered doing the procedure. Last year (Feb) I weighed 334lbs & started the process to have the surgery. When I had the surgery I weighed 274lbs & now I weigh 209lbs. So obviously I could lose weight on my own but I never wanted it to come back. I also but myself in counseling before I even signed up for the surgery so I could work on my issues.
> ...


I have very heavy people in my family through my uncles marriage, his wife and 2 of his sons...
I have seen what they eat too and I do believe anyone can lose weight if they choose low calorie, fiber filled food and cut back. 
From what I have seen of GB.... its not a good thing.

I also worked with another girl who had it and she got down to about 150 and her whole personality changed. She started sleeping around like it was her last week on earth. She ended up getting very ill with strange diseases, hep was one of them.
As I see it GB
does no one any favors.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

My MIL had GB surgery about 6 or 7 years ago. Unfortunately, she hasn't had a day of therapy before or after. She initially lost about 75-100 lbs (that I can see) but she was at 475 so it isn't enough. She is still about 400 lbs. Her eating habits have not changed. She eats too much, and all day long...often leads to her getting sick (YUCK).

It's not for me to agree or disagree with the surgery. I have my opinions, but I've never walked in those shoes. I do believe that intensive therapy is a MUST for anyone considering or going through with it.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Preso
Everyone is different when it comes to having that surgery. I still think in my head like I was over 300lbs still. Buying clothes to big still & never knowing what will actually fit sucks. The only part of my personality that has changed is that I have been happier. I don't think about how skanky I can be when I get down into the hundreds. I think about how I can do so much more with my family. I think about how much healthier I am. My medications that I use to take are down to one. I am also closely monitored by 2 doctors & have regular blood work done & check ups. 

I am a one woman man & don't like to dress like some 18 yr old girl in her prime. Like I said I have tried to lose weight on my own. You name it I have done it! Everyone in my knew how much of a struggle this has been for me. Would I recommend this surgery to others? No I would tell them to do their research & go get counseling first. That is what I did. Everyone in my life has been totally supportive of my decision. Just because you know people who have had issues doesn't mean you know what they are doing 24/7. I take my vitamins, protein shakes, drink lots of water, eat healthy, & exercise. Reducing my stomach so I couldn't eat as much has really helped me. I also can't touch the things that in front of all of us everyday like fast food, junk food, etc. I am more careful with what I do. You are allowed to have your opinion but you can't just a procedure on a few people.


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## Sometimes Confused (Dec 25, 2013)

My spouse had the gastric bypass surgery within the past few months. Every bit of information she shared with me about the procedure surrounded the health benefits and health risks to her. I had no idea really that there would be emotional and psychological issues that both she and I would face.

I had no idea that gastric bypass surgery would, for example, release hormones that encourage mood swings and anxiety. It has been difficult for me to deal with these mood swings and with her level of frustration. As a gastric bypass patient she needs the support of me (her husband) yet at the same time I feel overwhelmed by her mood swings and level of frustration. 

As she previously used food to cope emotionally with issues, she has not yet found a replacement or other techniques for coping - other than to take her frustrations out on me.

I feel like I have nowhere to turn, because sharing my own emotional state with others leads only to me being scolded for "not being understanding of what my wife is going through" or being told "you need to support your wife and stop complaining."

I have been searching the internet looking for articles that address how gastric bypass surgery affects the spouse. I have found little information other than "you might feel jealous because your spouse feels better about herself and may get more attention from others." Everything seems to focus on the patient and everybody else is an afterthought. I am glad though to have found this forum, and see that there are other spouses who found the process difficult.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is a very old thread. It's from 2009. You might want to start your own thread, Sometimes Confused.


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