# I think I am a great wife but..



## someoneyouknow (Mar 12, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for a few years and no I never expected it to be 100% great all the time but recently I am confused. Ever since we got married my husband has been essentially mean to me 50% of the time and withholding sex saying "oh we are married". He went from being sweet and loving to "settling" and just not caring anymore. I hate to say it but I have lost most interest in him passionately and now just kind of tolerate how he acts towards me. 

I have a very high sex drive and now I find he just wants to sleep and not do anything. I try to spice things up but most of the time he seems to just want to lay around and watch tv. We are both in our 20s and I cant help but think if I did something wrong? I always try to do things so he isnt stressed but it seems like such a mixed bag it depends on the day whether he is going to yell at me or be nice. I get to the point I just want to hide when he comes home!

We have tried couples counseling but he just kept asking when it would be over and said it didnt really help. I am not an overly emotional person, in fact I have been told the opposite, I dont expect much, and just want him to show me affection sometimes. 

I think I am a fun person and have a life outside of the home but he does not. I also have not "let myself go", I am still in shape and have been told I am attractive. What am I doing wrong?!


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

tell him you'd like him to help you select a suitable "activity" partner, to fulfill that part of your needs that are not too important to him.

Im a bull in china shop kinda mood today..so grain of salt... but somehow he needs to grasp that this is important and will only go away whe you pack your things and leaves unless he takes them seriously.


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

When my son was in college, he had friends who were really into drinking and loud wild parties. To his credit, my son spent more of his time on his studies than at parties, or at least that's how he reported it and I was wise enough at the time not to inquire too closely after details. (Some things you're better off not knowing.)

I mention this because as he was nearing graduation, he told me about a party he was attending that had been called the "One Last Blast". Most of his friends had the idea that college was a time for getting real drunk and having loud parties, but once they were out of college and had got jobs, that sort of thing would be inappropriate. They had the sense, all along, that they would be wild in college and stop afterwards.

Your post reminded me of that. Is it possible that your husband has in his head some notion of what "married couples" are supposed to be like, possibly from his own parents, and that he's just sticking to his part of the script? If, in his mind, it's not appropriate for married couples to have wild sex, because "that's not what married people are supposed to be like", then it may be that he has trouble understanding your complaints.

If that's the source of your trouble, you need to find some way to get him off-script, or to see marriage in a new way, in order to get him to change his behavior.


----------



## localhost (Mar 9, 2010)

I agree with the above poster.

There is not a definition on how married people should act and behave, or what they are or are not allowed to do. (Okay, you need to follow the law and not get crazy -- don't read too deep into that statement.) Everyone is different.

Everyone is different -- that's the beauty of having your own relationship/marriage/family. The slate is clean and you can live your lives the way you want to.

Behavior changes often come about when some major (or a change he thinks is major) occurs. It is a side effect of stress of a problem in many cases.

Is there any problem that has occurred recently that he has expressed any concern over or is there any problem that has occurred lately that marks a general shift of behavior and personality change that he may not have expressed?

There are a couple of things you can try that may or may not help. It may take a couple of days of trial to see if any of them is working, but I will put my recommendations in the order of what would probably work to what has a lesser chance of working (or things that may have the chance to provoke other problems if not handled just right).


 When he comes home from work, go about your normal routine. Wash the dishes, do the laundry, whatever it is that you do on a normal basis. Generally ignore his presence. If he sits down to watch TV, don't join him unless asked to do so. If he asks you to bring him something, bring it, but don't say anything. When it's time to go to bed, make no effort to get him in the mood. Just simply say, "I love you, goodnight," and go on to sleep. Only reply to conversation with the simplest, shortest answer. If he asks you what is wrong, just reply, "Nothing, I'm just [doing the dishes, etc.]."

This has the possibility of bringing many thoughts to his mind. Your behavior has changed. He will start wondering if there is something that you're not telling him or if there is a problem that needs to be worked out. He will start to wonder if he has done something wrong, and he'll wonder why you aren't talking about it. (Especially if you were vocal about problems and concerns before.)

I would say to try this for a day or two unless you think it won't work. If he is doing these things, he may need to feel a little guilt about it without being pressured. He may begin to see what it is like to have someone ignore him and not care about how he feels.

If he asks you what's wrong, don't answer with anything other than "Nothing," unless you can tell from his expression that he is genuinely wanting to know and seems like he really wants to solve the problem. If he comes asking about it in an angry tone of voice or an apathetic voice, just reply "Nothing".

If he doesn't come to ask you what's wrong and a couple of days go by, you may have the symptoms of a major problem in your marriage. Don't jump to conclusions, though; he may need some time until the guilt and loneliness are strong enough for him to detect and act upon.

 If not trying above, the next time he is mean to you and you feel it is not justified, say "Why are you so mean to me?" Try to draw out the problems at the time they are occurring. If he is excited or angry enough, he may say what is actually bothering him. If he does reveal it, you have to take great care in how you go about the next step.

If he reveals a problem to you, even if it seems trivial or unsubstantiated to you, just remember that it is a real problem to him. It should not be trivialized or dismissed. Sometimes you need to be there to reassure each other that you can work out anything together, you have the power and ability to solve and survive any problems that come your way, as long as you do it together.

Don't go crazy with trying to solve the problem and make a plan right away to solve every problem in your lives -- it will lead nowhere fast. Just tell him that you love him, and that you two can work through this. You don't want to overload him or get overloaded yourself, especially when you both are stressed. You just have to emit a feeling of confidence that you two love each other and that no problem is too big if you work together. Tell him that you would like to hear any ideas he has as possible solutions, and tell him any solutions that you agree with of his or modify one, or even tell him an idea you have to solve the problem. If he gets frustrated, tell him to calm down and you two will work on it. Tell him that his well-being is more important to you than anything else, and you don't want him to get stressed out about it.

If you are religious, you can repeat to him fundamentals of your religion. If Christian, something like, "God will see us through the problems. He gave us the ability to work through anything with his guidance." I'm Christian, so if you're not, you may have something else that may be appropriate.

The key here is to remain a calming influence and not a stressful influence. Sometimes, as time goes along, we say things plainer and unknowingly much more stressful to our spouses as time goes along. We have to remember to be sensitive to each other.

 Warning: This should only be done if you are willing to have a fight to solve the problem or it has just gotten this bad.

Say something to the effect of, "If I don't excite you or please you anymore, you could file for divorce. I feel like you don't love me anymore, and I feel like you would rather be free."

This does two things: it indicates that you do not want a divorce, and you care about him being happy, even if it is at your own expense and unhappiness. It is a provocative statement, though, so you should get something out of him if he is failing to communicate any other way.

Whether you feel this way or not, it may draw to the forefront the real underlying problems and let you know right away if he really is considering a divorce. It's sometimes better to get this fact out in the open so you know where you are working from, but only if you can handle the fight it could provoke or the possibility that he is seriously considering getting a divorce.

If he says things like, "What, you don't want to be married anymore?" or "I guess you want to leave me now," just tell him your mind, such as, "No, I love you. I promised to love you through the good times and the bad times. I would rather work out our problems and differences, but if you don't want me anymore, I can't sit around while you're unhappy for the rest of our lives."

When my wife and I got married, my minister imparted a little wisdom to us and everyone there. He said that it is not our jobs to make each other happy. Marriage is not for making each other happy; it's a positive side effect of working through problems and loving each other unconditionally. Sometimes we will be happy, sometimes we will be sad, but those feelings will be so much stronger than we have ever felt before, and they will be so much more rewarding than any we have ever felt.

When I'm sad and down, and my wife comes to comfort me, I feel how strong our love is and how we can solve anything together. When she's sad and down, it breaks my heart. This is the _natural_ reaction to your husband or wife. If your husband doesn't feel any of this, even after a few days of you obviously having a major issue or problem, then you may have to consider further counseling or a divorce if things never get any better.

Let me end with a couple of questions to establish clarity on the issue:

- Have you ever been to any counseling before? Premarital or marriage counseling? Or is he just saying these things, and you two never end up going? If you have and it's more of a freebie program, you may want to consider a more serious counseling service, such as a church-sponsored service or a professional psychiatrist. Some churches have professional counselors. My wife's church has PhD psychiatrists that are there just for counseling marriages, and the up-side to a church is that the services are normally 100% free, they are inherently good people, and their goal is your success instead of possibly trying to make money off of your problems.

- If viable, you may want to see if you could recommend he talks to someone about his issues. If he doesn't feel comfortable talk to you (it sounds strange, but some men do feel this way), maybe he could talk to a counselor on his own about his problems. It has the possibility of helping the situation, and the end result of it getting better would be good for you.

- Does he have any problems in the past about sex in general, abusive parents, or abusive past lovers? People can become scarred sometimes, and they may need to develop a more serious trust with their spouses before they can be truly intimate. Has there been any single time in your sexual history that you can recall him being upset about something and it was trivialized or turned into a negative experience?

I'm going to leave it at that for now. Don't want to put too much out there to absorb and reply to.

As for this comment,



> tell him you'd like him to help you select a suitable "activity" partner, to fulfill that part of your needs that are not too important to him.
> 
> Im a bull in china shop kinda mood today..so grain of salt... but somehow he needs to grasp that this is important and will only go away whe you pack your things and leaves unless he takes them seriously.


I'd follow the poster's advice on this - take it with a grain of salt. Asking your husband to have sex with another man when you already have problems will only complicate the issue and if that's something you actually want, then your marriage is probably something you don't want to try and save.

Artieb above also has posted some good information to think about. Take care.


----------



## Doc Savage (Mar 16, 2010)

If you don't have kids, move on. Give him a big kiss and a TTFN and take your half of the marriage and find another roomie.


----------



## PhantomJC (Aug 3, 2010)

Hi someone, I've been married for a little under a year to a great woman and I (along with her help) run a website that partially deals with Relationship Needs .

In regards to your question, you're not doing anything wrong.
It's him that's doing everything wrong. As the last poster
suggested, it may be time to move on. Your happiness is worth
more and is far more important than to "want to hide" every time he comes home.

What happened when you asked him if he really wanted to be married? It sounds like he needs to really pull it together
and be a little more open and honest with you about what's
bothering him and what's making him unhappy, because it's
bleeding into the whole relationship and eventually will destroy it.

If he can't do that, you may want to consider other options
and just chalk this up to experience. Just my opinion.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

PhantomJC said:


> Hi someone, I've been married for a little under a year to a great woman and I (along with her help) run a website that partially deals with Relationship Needs .
> 
> In regards to your question, you're not doing anything wrong.
> It's him that's doing everything wrong. As the last poster
> ...



thank you, since the shoe is on the other foot in my marriage (i am the man with the high drive not being met and everything else stated in the opening paragraph of the OP) then i can safely say that it is my wife doing everything wrong, finally some honesty in here


----------



## Aaron Parker (Aug 5, 2010)

Hey,

It can be tough when things seem to fall apart like this. I agree that from what you've said the blame is on the other side of the table. If he is unwilling to make any effort whatsoever then it may be time to think about moving on. 

Although I'm in favor of giving things their fair shake, sticking around when you are being abused (if he is being mean it could be a case of verbal abuse) is only going to hurt your more in the long run. 

If you want to keep working on it then try to find out what has changed. Are things in his life changed significantly lately? Is stress an issue? Depression?

I know it can be hard, but keep you chin up!

Aaron


----------



## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Doc Savage said:


> If you don't have kids, move on. Give him a big kiss and a TTFN and take your half of the marriage and find another roomie.


When people say just walk away since you don't have any kids it makes me see red. Whether or not you have children doesn't have anything to do with the commitment you have made to your spouse!

Parenthood doesn't make marriage bonds stronger it just makes the consequences of breaking them affect more people.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

stalemate said:


> When people say just walk away since you don't have any kids it makes me see red. Whether or not you have children doesn't have anything to do with the commitment you have made to your spouse!
> 
> Parenthood doesn't make marriage bonds stronger it just makes the consequences of breaking them affect more people.


the committment is a two way street, this situation sounds very one sided. if the other spouse just simply wont work on fixing what is wrong, there may be no alternative. and i disagree with the no kids spin, it has a great deal to do with decisions IMHO. every individual has a breaking point, the OP will know when she has reached it.


----------

