# Married at 22, living apart with parents in college and no job?



## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

So my situation is unique to say the least. My wife and I got married this past summer but at the moment we are still living apart. We live separately with our parents, but we are married.

There were quite a few circumstances that led up to us getting married, including a pregnancy that sadly ended in a natural miscarriage. We both got over that as much as we could (because you really never completely get over something like that) and immediately after the miscarriage, we started spending lots of time together and having lots of memorable and fun times. So a few months after this, we decided to stop living in sin by having sex outside marriage and decided to just get married to one another! I was very happy and I was so glad that we both mutually agreed on doing this and she was quite excited as was I. The day before our appointment at city hall, she sent me a message, which I still have, that read, I love you and can't wait to start the beginning of the next journey of our lives together. So I know she was happy. Also, prior and slightly after getting legally married, we had short lived plans of having a wedding ceremony.

Well, fast forward a few weeks after our marriage, all plans of any ceremony were abruptly canceled due to the fact that her parents (mainly her father) did not want to have one so soon. Rather, he wanted her wedding to be a large and extravagant event with hundreds of people being invited. So my wife decided to agree and canceled our wedding ceremony. Instead, she decided it would be better to wait until around the time I graduate. Well, I have 20 classes (not credits, but classes) left until I graduate. That means I wont be looking at graduating until AT LEAST spring 2015.

She also has not let anyone outside her parents and a few others, know that we are married and she still refers to me as her boyfriend to her classmates. She decided to do that because she does not have a ring and when she tells people that we were married or engaged, people always ask to see her ring, which embarrasses her since she has no such ring yet. Also, there have been multiple times where she has said, "when we get married", and I have to remind her that we ARE married.

One time, it went so far as for her to tell me that we are only in , "a civil union" and are in fact NOT married under god. This totally blew me away and upset me because the priest who signed our papers explicitly told us, "this is a real marriage in every way" and spoke of a few other things and even counseled us for an hour or two. I thought he had made it incredibly clear that our union was under god. So we ended up bringing the argument to her parents and they agreed with me and more or less yelled at my wife. That wasn't my intention to have them yell, but I needed a way to get through to her. Well after that, she agreed and began to view me as her husband.

At this point, we are BOTH in college. I worked my first internship this summer and made a fair amount of cash but had to put 90% of it towards my unfathomably expensive tuition bills and another portion went towards buying a beautiful engagement ring for my wife. It is getting close to the time that I want to give her the ring but I cant get over the fact that this is somewhat of a catch 22 situation. I am already married to my wife, but I do not live with her, have yet to give her an engagement ring (which is sitting in my closet right now) and I am still in an undergraduate program! What has been making it so much worse, is that my wife has recently gotten a job and is only taking one class (due to her families financial issues) and barely ever has time to talk to me or text me. The next time I will get the chance to see her is this upcoming Sunday and the last time I saw her or spoke with her (other than texting) was this past Friday.

I am not happy with our current situation and I am trying hard to be patient with it. I realize that our situation was self-inflicted since we didn't exactly have a plan on what to do after we got married. It just frustrates me that she hardly actually views me as her husband and that she is keeping our marriage a secret.

That leaves me resenting the idea of giving her my engagement ring because I do not want to have to go around having every one ask me when we're getting married, when in fact we are married. Overall, my current situation just upsets me. My intention in marrying was for a full commitment and not to have a relationship that remains undefined in some gray area. It is depressing and I want to know what to do. 


Also, if you want to read more, this is my yahoo answers question: 

Look, I know this situation is going to seem comical :rofl:, and cause a lot of flack. I know that the way we are currently living isn't right and I also admit to the fact that a lot of decisions were made with out the proper amount of thought being put into them. All I want are suggestions on what I can say to have my wife help me fix our lie and get us to start living an actually married life. 

I'm afraid that when I confront her about how I have been feeling, she will not be willing to work with me. I am ready and willing to go to school part time and get a job using my AAS degree and start living responsibly, but I don't know how she will react. 

What are your thoughts? What can I say and do to encourage her?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts? My thought is that everyone involved is too worried about appearances and material things and not worried enough about the relationship. That includes you, btw. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

That's fair enough. I admit responsibility for my portion of the problem. Before I agreed to get married I should have thought things through a little more, but at this point it is way too late for that. 

I want us to get responsible for our decision to get married and actually start living like a married couple. Which includes getting a job, working, saving up for a place, ext... 

I'm sick of having to live a lie everyday with my parents and I agree with the part about people being way too concerned about image and material things. That why I would like to stop the madness, but I'm afraid everyone is going to end up seeing ME as the one who is mad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, you've made your bed. Now it's time to see if you've got the cojones to stand up for what you believe. 

First off, I'd get your wife an engagement ring, wedding ring, and a wedding ring for yourself. Trade in her engagement ring to get get the other two rings if you need to. Then the two of you start wearing your rings as man and wife. 

Second, figure out a way that the two of you can live together. If that means both of you living with one set of parents or the other, so be it. But if you can work part time while being in school and can afford a cheap place on your own, even better. 

Third, is marriage counseling an option? Through your church, through a school program, or find a place that offers scaled fees based on income.

If your wife isn't interested in working on things with you, you have some hard decisions to make. But you need to stand up for what you believe. 

Also, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". I have a feeling you'll catch some of your personalities in those books. 

How long did you date before you got married? Did you live in separate cities before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> Well, you've made your bed. Now it's time to see if you've got the cojones to stand up for what you believe.
> 
> First off, I'd get your wife an engagement ring, wedding ring, and a wedding ring for yourself. Trade in her engagement ring to get get the other two rings if you need to. Then the two of you start wearing your rings as man and wife.
> 
> ...


Hi Pbear, thank you! That sound like some solid advice and I appreciate it. As of the 20th of this month, we will have been dating for 2 very short years. So much has happened in these years good and bad. 

We were both 22 at the time we got married and I am 23 now. I know this is so young and we have so much ahead of us. We are both young but I know we both love each other, and we are both committed. I know that my wife will want to try and work things out. I know she can be stubborn but she's not crazy and she does love me. 


I'll have a look at those books, as I think they absolutely apply to me! 

As far as counseling goes, I think it wold be a good thing for us to do and couldn't hurt. I know just how much people can change in their early 20's. We are so young that I truly want to give our marriage the best shot and chance at survival.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Other books which should be read by married couples are His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages.

Good luck.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

[EDIT: Sorry, you said you bought an engagement ring already]. MAN UP and propose. Tell her you love her and you want to properly marry her and be with her and it doesn't matter whether you graduate first or whether you have some 300-person extravagant wedding, what's important is that you want her to be your wife.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

By the way, this is just one anecdote, but I had a friend who secretly married (for health insurance) with a plan to get married for real later, but they wound up breaking it off and divorcing (I was one of only a few people who knew about the marriage). It seemed to me like the ambiguous status of their marriage created a lot of tension for the woman, who was the type to go along with things but probably did not really believe in what they did at her core. I think that when a couple does this, it leaves it open to doubt whether you REALLY want to be married to her. If you want to be married to her, clear up the doubt and propose, and act like you're sure of what you're doing (even if you have a tiny lingering doubt). This will make her feel good and wanted, unless there's some other reason she doesn't want to marry you, in which case nothing you can do and better to find out now.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

John Lee said:


> By the way, this is just one anecdote, but I had a friend who secretly married (for health insurance) with a plan to get married for real later, but they wound up breaking it off and divorcing (I was one of only a few people who knew about the marriage). It seemed to me like the ambiguous status of their marriage created a lot of tension for the woman, who was the type to go along with things but probably did not really believe in what they did at her core. I think that when a couple does this, it leaves it open to doubt whether you REALLY want to be married to her. If you want to be married to her, clear up the doubt and propose, and act like you're sure of what you're doing (even if you have a tiny lingering doubt). This will make her feel good and wanted, unless there's some other reason she doesn't want to marry you, in which case nothing you can do and better to find out now.



So what you are suggesting is that I propose to her with the ring that I have and then what? 

I don't want to have to go on in an ambiguous new sate of being married and engaged at the same time for another year until our "wedding". 

You said " If you want to be married to her, clear up the doubt and propose, and act like you're sure of what you're doing" but that is just it. That is the whole part about this situation that is so upsetting. I AM married to her and its exactly the ambiguous state of being married but not really, or engaged but actually married, that I am trying to avoid.

None the less, I completely agree with you, especially now that I am in this situation. I would not recommend that anyone ever do this because of the problems that it could create. I am sorry to hear about your friend, and thank you for sharing!

I like the idea of proposing and just doing rather than talking to her about how I'm not happy with the situation. I personally feel that a good option would be to get her a wedding ring to go along with that e-ring. (its not about all the rings, she could wear 7 rings and they could all mean nothing, I'm not trying to be materialistic) I'd also prior to that like to talk to her father about things. After all, he IS the pastor of a church and I want to explain to him how I feel and see what he has to say. 

He is a patient man and always very calm. I'd like to get his thoughts about this.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why are you not living together? 

Why does there have to be another "official" wedding?

Why have you not just moved into one parents' house or the other and just get on with going to school and working....like a zillion people do every day? 

Do you still live with your parents?

You should just tell everyone that you eloped cuz you couldn't stand not being married.... and that you plan to have a formal wedding in the future.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If you propose formally, then at least it will show her you are committed to getting married "in the eyes of God" as she puts it, even if it has to wait a year. She is a pastor's daughter, so "proper" marriage is unsurprisingly important to her. Show her that you are serious about doing it the proper way. You said yourself that she doesn't completely consider your marriage real, so show her you want to make it real for her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

As far as "then what" -- I don't think that's as important as the commitment. I don't think you necessarily have to wait until you graduate in 2015. But it's pretty normal for couples to have nine months or a year in between engagement and a wedding, in fact if you're going to have a big one it will take time.

Talking to her father isn't a terrible idea -- it's not my style, but if she's very traditional and religious then it might be wise.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

Thanks SunnyT and John Lee...

Do I still live with my parents? - Yes

Why does there have to be an official wedding? - Because she wants one, because her dad is a pastor and people would wonder why his daughter didn't have a wedding ceremony, to set a good example for her younger brothers.

Why have you not just moved into one parents' house or the other and just get on with going to school and working....like a zillion people do every day? - Because question 1 and 2 would prevent me from doing so. I don't think her parents are comfortable with the idea mainly because I of the impression it would give the two younger brothers. ___ Despite all of that, I DO want to move in with her at her parents. I would gladly give as much of my paycheck as is needed to help her and her parents out.

Why are you not living together? - Combination of all the above reasons plus the fact that I am working hard to try and wrap up my BSEE degree and I currently have no job to pay for rent somewhere... (However, I'm more than willing to change the no job part ) Also, because we did more or less elope and no one else know about us being married except her parents and a few close family members and friends.... 




> If you propose formally, then at least it will show her you are committed to getting married "in the eyes of God" as she puts it, even if it has to wait a year. She is a pastor's daughter, so "proper" marriage is unsurprisingly important to her.


I agree with that, its just that I was under the impression that this would be initially a "proper" marriage from the start. When we went to city hall, the plan was to have a wedding ceremony within a month, but like I said, that never happened because her dad wanted it big. If we had the ceremony, everyone would have know we were married and I'm sure that I would in fact be with her, going to school and working. Since it didn't happen and mostly since I am not living a married couples life with my wife, my wife reasonably has occasional doubts as to whether or not we are actually married or not. She only expressed her doubt once, and has since been telling me that she does view me as her husband and does consider us married, but I can I understand the feeling she had.

I know one good course of action wold be to propose and wait. (you're right Mr. Lee, it doesn't have to be 2015, my after the original cancellation, there was talk of next fall) 

Its unpleasant having to continue living apart but at this point I don't see how dropping everything to move in right now is going to fix anything. We've already gone like this since May 19th and it seems like things will be a whole lot better if I just wait a little while longer. 

I'll tell you one thing for sure. Our living arrangements will be clearly spelled out prior to any wedding! I really just want to make sure that no matter what happens, that in the end, whether I move in or wait, that everyone is going to be on the same page and that there wont be any further delays or misunderstandings.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

charrl you did the right by coming here.

You sound like you have your head on straight-for a 23 yr old

I mean no disrespect with what I said.
I was a dope at 23 with women thank the catholic irish backround for that.

What do your friends think of her?

Ask them for an evaluation through their eyes then make a decision that's all I have for now.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

tom67 said:


> charrl you did the right by coming here.
> 
> You sound like you have your head on straight-for a 23 yr old
> 
> ...


Thank you, I had some women friends in the past but none struck me like my wife does. She is so kind, hard working, beautiful, and lovely, and we agree on many things. 

More or less my entire side of the family has met her and they all seem to love her, especially my little brother, who adores her and loves when she comes over to visit.


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

Why all the fuss about having a 'real' wedding? Honestly - you're legally married NOW. A church service does not make any difference to that, and I can guarantee that in God's eyes you are already married. It really seems like there's a whole lot of worrying about appearances and what other people think, rather than just getting on with your married life together already.

Also, tell your parents. They are going to be utterly heartbroken when they find out you've been lying to them all along, especially when her parents already know.

(An aside, I work in an admin position in a church - I am not in America so the laws may differ - but we were contacted by a couple in a similar situation, who had already had a secret registry office marriage and now wanted the 'real' deal in a church where they pretended to get married for all their family and friends. Our minister had to tell them that he could not perform another marriage ceremony as they were already married, albeit to each other).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I say get an annulment this is not a marriage and you both made the decision to get married based on difficult situation. The reason I say to get an annulment is becuase she's checked out or never checked in. You don't need a fancy and big marraige ceremony, and you don't need rings to build a strong marraige. Just love, respect and the desire to be together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her daddy (the pastor) is fine with deceiving people? Can you imagine the surprise when your wedding guests learn that you're already married? It will look like a scam to get presents.

Since your wife has to work to help out her parents, just where is the money going to come from to pay for her daddy's dreams of an extravagant wedding?

You two are married. Either get on with it or get an annulment.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Countless young people manage to live on their own, go to school, get married, heck, even have kids. Any barriers you have are ones that you two are creating yourself or allowing to happen. It's like the two of you were two kids who decided it would be fun to play "husband and wife", but weren't (aren't) prepared to do the difficult part of making it work after the marriage. Whether that's immaturity, materialism, lack of forethought... Who knows. But it's time to stop playing and time to grow up. 

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like your "wife" is really all that into the idea, and I suspect you'll have trouble getting her to make the sacrifices needed to make this work. And her family is enabling/encouraging her behaviour big time. If it was my daughter, I'd like to think I'd gladly forgo the large/expensive wedding and perhaps help the new couple out financially with rent or something for the next year or two. 

Fwiw... I got married at 25, she was 22. Didn't graduate school till I was 29 (bummed around too much in my 20's). Our wedding cost less than $5000, her rings were around $500... Our honeymoon was a week long camping trip. Yes, we were financially strapped for awhile... Driving a old beater of a car, eating a lot of KD, not having a lot of luxuries... But we were married, together, and excited about that.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, in your first post you say that you fear she won't work with you on this. And in the fifth post, you say that she will. Which one is it?

I have my thoughts on this, but I'm curious about your mixed messages.

C


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> Btw, in your first post you say that you fear she won't work with you on this. And in the fifth post, you say that she will. Which one is it?
> 
> I have my thoughts on this, but I'm curious about your mixed messages.
> 
> C


Well, I honestly don't know. I want to believe deep down that she will, but we've been in arguments before where she was completely unmoving and wasn't able to budge or compromise at all. So I do not know which one it is. I have yet to talk to her about any of this.

I don't know how to even break it to her. What should I do? Give her an ultimatum to live with together??

Is this marriage honestly grounds for an annulment, and do you think that my state would actually grant that? (I live in PA)

There are details about the marriage that I actually never disclosed to any of you guys for fear of even more serious flack. ..... One of the other "reasons" we got married is because she is technically not a us citizen but was granted amnesty under Obama crazy laws. The only way for her to actually be a citizen and be able to travel was if she got married. ... but for me none of that was a reason. I got married because I love her, and that's the bottom line. 

Honestly, every day I spend apart from her just aggravates me even more. I'm sure you've all noticed that I go in and out of thinking I should just go along with the plan. After all it is only a few months (next fall) and after that, we'll be living together. ..... but at the same time I agree with all of you to some degree when you say that the marriage is not valid, because that is how it feels and that the whole reason I started asking the advice of absolute strangers on the internet about what to do, and like I said, I get upset about it almost every day.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

Basically, all this is probably going to seem pretty drastic to her and it will all seem like a pretty drastic change in my thinking that now all the sudden after almost 6 months of being fine with the way things are, that I need to all the sudden move in with her. 

I cant imagine how she'll feel because she wouldn't want her image to be marred at her church and what not. (yes you are all right, her and her family are all about setting an image and how things look..... when we had the issue of being pregnant she was all for getting an abortion despite the fact that I was 100% against it and was willing to give everything I had and even put every last penny I had into our joint account. It was only after I went to her parents that she changed her mind about the abortion. I know she had a natural miscarriage and didn't lie because I saw the paper work one day in her drawer for multiple hospital bills that talked about threatened miscarriages and the like.... but I don't want to talk about any of that and I don't think it has anything to do with whats going on right now...all of that is in the past and is completely a story in and of itself. )

I feel like I've disclosed waaaaayyy too much, but these are honestly 100% the facts. I really am just afraid of loosing her. I don't want that to happen. 

(its easy for everyone else to say, just do this or that, but you guys aren't married to her and are not "in love"...) 

I still want your honest opinions and everything that has been said has helped, and I AM listening. Maybe you could try putting yourselves in my shoes? (disregarding the fact that 90% of you wouldn't have gotten in this position in the first place)


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Her daddy (the pastor) is fine with deceiving people? Can you imagine the surprise when your wedding guests learn that you're already married? It will look like a scam to get presents.
> 
> Since your wife has to work to help out her parents, just where is the money going to come from to pay for her daddy's dreams of an extravagant wedding?
> 
> You two are married. Either get on with it or get an annulment.


That's how I feel all the time, but I am always told that every one in her church and family will chip in and I'm accused of being worried too much about the money every time I raise the issue....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with get an annulment STAT.

This marriage was built on a foundation of sand and it's getting worse by the day. All the lies are just mind boggling to me. How do all these people live with themselves????


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm going with get an annulment STAT.
> 
> This marriage was built on a foundation of sand and it's getting worse by the day. All the lies are just mind boggling to me. How do all these people live with themselves????


Well, as you can tell, it is difficult for ME to live with myself like this and I do have a desire to straighten things out, but if I can come clean about the situation and make things right than I will not be getting an annulment. I'm just praying I can do that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a fan of living an authentic life which means telling the truth.

The mess you are in is that when you tell the truth your world will likely come crashing down because you will be exposing family secrets. 

The good news is you will feel better about yourself and that's all that matters.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Based on how things have went so far I think, how can I say this nicely, in the evolution of yourself as a man I don't think you're quite ready to be married. Sorry. But you're actions and the way you handle her parents are just lacking. Look at the facts. You're 23. You married an illegal alien who refuses to live with you. Who tells her friends you're her boyfriend. You haven't established or enforced boundaries of any kind. If ever there was a time to man up, this is it. Her parents clearly see you as a boy who got their daughter pregnant. They wouldn't keep you living apart otherwise. I don't think they would even be able to in the case of most.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you told your parents any of this? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So sorry. This is sounding like a sham marriage for purposes of citizenship.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> So sorry. This is sounding like a sham marriage for purposes of citizenship.


:iagree: That explains everything. She wants the visa, not to be his wife.

By the way you can get into serious trouble by not living with her. This is highly frowned upon but ICE.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

That's completely untrue, its not a sham marriage and there is no doubt that we got married for love and not any form of citizenship. We've been dating for one year and six months before we got married and I knew her for longer. This marriage wast out of convenience or to get her citizenship and that's the main reason I didn't want to mention it in the first place. 

The things she does for me and the way she cares about me would not indicate any other reason than love for the purpose of our marriage. 

The issue is that we are living apart, but that doesn't demote our purpose for getting married and the love we have for one another.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Breathe....this is tam for you. Take the advice that works and leave the rest. 

Carry on.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why haven't you told your parents you are married?


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

So I've been aware of the no more Mr. Nice guy concept for quite some time now. In fact, I used to suffer from chronic nice guy syndrome and when I learned about it around four years ago, I was shocked that such a thing had never been explained to me and that women wanted adventurous outgoing men who were not as sheep like. 

... anyway, thanks for reminding me about all that because honestly I somewhat forgot about it to some extent. I finally got the chance to talk to my wife and I decided not to be nice (in a figurative sense lol) and I told her like it is. 

I explained that what were doing is wrong... She reminded me that one of the other reasons were doing this is because my mom is her mother in law and she wants to have a good relationship with her and she deeply desires for her to accept her. (because in a lot of way she does not accept her due to reasons of socioeconomic class, religion, culture, race (and all this despite the fact that if you removed all those superficial differences she would be the best candidate for marrying me on earth) )

..but I further explained to her that if she doesn't accept you today or tomorrow, what makes you think that she will accept you after our "wedding"? 

long story short, there were some tears, ext....

I went on to tell her that I plan on moving out as soon as I possibly can and jokingly said, I'm not sure where to but I will be moving somewhere whether you come with me or not. 

Surprisingly, she has been having similar thoughts of moving out of her parents house in a few months and already had somewhere in mind. She said she was going to tell me soon. 

So anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I am on the path towards straightening things out as best I can. Next on the list is to telling all this to my parents.

Wish me luck!

(and seriously, thanks for the opinions and help :smthumbup


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