# Update on R and Karma bus!



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If you don't know my situation the short version is: Wife had a 40 day EA with sexting, pictures, and a statement from my WW that she didn't want me anymore because she had fallen for him. In addition there was a second guy she was stringing along, and a third guy she was talking all about her A to. After reading all I could of her emails, and texts I immediately sent her packing and made it clear I was not interested in her at all, due to her actions. After about a month of begging, and bending over backwards I agreed to attemp R.

Everything is going very well on my R. My wife has become a model wife. If there is an issue it's her insecurity. She's consistantly worried I'll dump her any second if I'm the least bit unhappy. I believe this is a result of how quickly I sent her packing on Dday, and the huge amount of effort it took for her to get me to reconsider.

On Dday she lost all access to her email, phone, etc. I retained the email accounts to see what other information came through. 

There was a trickle of emails at first, but with no replies they eventually stopped.

About a month and a half ago OM attempted to contact my W again, but his emails were all being received by me. My W never saw them. I decided to try talking to him to out of a kind of morbid curiosity. I asked him questions posing as my W such as "Does it bother you that I'm married?"

This triggered the hell out of me but helped me as well. Every bad thing I thought about OM proved to be true. It had a side effect I didn't expect.

When OM attempted to start contact again he was very interested in getting my W to move to his state and live with him. I allowed him to believe she was considering it so I could continue the questions, but never agreed. 

Two days ago I hit him with the truth. He threw my W under the bus by basically saying he was trying to get her to R and only wanted to help her. What a dbag.

Now he's begging for help on his facebook page. Turns out the state went after him for back child support and he's losing his appartment because he can't pay the rent. He was trying to get a roomate to help him pay the bills. He wasted so much time trying to get my W to move in he's basically cooked.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

*" . . . he was very interested in getting my W to move to his state and live with him."*

He needed someone to pay the rent.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

BWBill said:


> *" . . . he was very interested in getting my W to move to his state and live with him."*
> 
> He needed someone to pay the rent.


That's exactly right. When he restarted contact his goal was to destroy my family so he could get help with his rent.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ovid said:


> ....basically saying he was trying to get her to R and only wanted to help her...


oohhh, so he was kinda like a (hands-on) therapist/marriage counselor? 




LOL what a dweeb.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

hope he will be horrible forever


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> oohhh, so he was kinda like a (hands-on) therapist/marriage counselor?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sadly it's not the dumbest thing he said, or the most disgusting.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Are you going to tell your wife about this?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Sadly it's not the dumbest thing he said, or the most disgusting.


I know it isn't funny at all - actually kinda sad that it was a total moron with an IQ of sandpaper that was able to sweet-talk your wife. 

Oh, forgot to mention - your little ruse paid off in a big way. Nice going.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Are you going to tell your wife about this?


I certainly would. It would show her what she almost threw away and what she was willing to throw it away for.

Even the blindest wayward should be able to see this for what it is.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I know it isn't funny at all - actually kinda sad that it was a total moron with an IQ of sandpaper that was able to sweet-talk your wife.
> 
> Oh, forgot to mention - your little ruse paid off in a big way. Nice going.


My wife and I had been going through a very rough time due to lots of stresses. She and my youngest both have major medical issues. I had been working like crazy to keep things together at home and at work they ran out of ways to promote me, so they created a department, and placed me at the head of it. I was so focussed on my new role at work and keeping us afloat at home that I did not give my wife much attention. She was going through depression, and feeling very lonely.

I'm not making excuses. That's how things were. POSOM stepped in at a time when my W was vulnerable and showered her with the attention she was craving.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did good. Very good. I wish so many of the BS that come here would read your story and follow your example.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Love the Kharma!!! I hope you are doing well!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Have you told/showed your wife the correspondence? 

It would definitely be beneficial to her, definitely show her the true nature of him, and the possible disastrous consequences of believing some online nobody. As an above poster said. 

It will completely reinforce the boundaries to an immense degree.

Tell her!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Are you going to tell your wife about this?


She knew I was talking to him, and knows the results. I don't hide anything from her. 

Every time it came up it triggered her remorse.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You did good. Very good. I wish so many of the BS that come here would read your story and follow your example.


The funny thing is, when I first found out about it I googled how to deal with it and found a site that told me to be super nice to her for a set period of time I think 30 day, then break up if that didn't work. I thought about it. Then I thought. WTF do I want with a cheating wife.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Ovid said:


> When he restarted contact his goal was to destroy my family so he could get help with his rent.


Chilling. 

What you did must be so satisfying


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well played, well played. The scary thing is there are men and women out there who pull that **** and you know for some it works. They don't care who they hurt to get what they want or need.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> Chilling.
> 
> What you did must be so satisfying


I don't know if satisfied is the word, but I don't feel bad about it. If he had been doing the right things, and not trying to ruin my family he wouldn't have the problem he has.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Well played, well played. The scary thing is there are men and women out there who pull that **** and you know for some it works. They don't care who they hurt to get what they want or need.


Way too many of them. It was nice to see it blow up on one of them.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Mostly venting, but helpful suggestions wouldn't hurt.

W and I are doing well on R, but...

She's still very jealous.

Which leads into this problem.
After Dday a woman at work made it clear she was interested. I didn't take it anywhere but I didn't tell her to back off either. Frankly my ego was crushed so I enjoyed the attention.

Fast forward a few months. The woman showing interest won't quit. I told her we would never have a relationship. Made it clear I do not cheat.

My number is freely available at work. The woman has been inviting me to lunch, even tried to get me to go to her car. Always said no. She's been texting to. Now, she's sending pictures. Did I mention my jealous wife?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Maybe give her a hard no? "I'm very flattered, and you're a lovely person, but I am trying to work on my marriage, and I am not open to any interaction with other women right now that is not strictly professional. That said, if you continue to contact me for non-business related matters I will have to contact HR."

Your wife also needs a talking to. Jealousy is natural, but remind her you two are not exactly on the same moral ground in terms of who deserves a longer leash...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

BK23 said:


> Maybe give her a hard no? "I'm very flattered, and you're a lovely person, but I am trying to work on my marriage, and I am not open to any interaction with other women right now that is not strictly professional. That said, if you continue to contact me for non-business related matters I will have to contact HR."
> 
> Your wife also needs a talking to. Jealousy is natural, but remind her you two are not exactly on the same moral ground in terms of who deserves a longer leash...


The nos have been pretty firm. I'm seriously starting to think she's a bunny boiler so I've been avoiding HR threats, but may need to do that.

Alreay had that talk with the wife.

Thanks.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Simple idea.

Block her number on your cell.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Simple idea.
> 
> Block her number on your cell.


Now I feel like a [email protected] for not having thought of that already.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Brother...sometimes we just can't see the forest for the trees. It's all good.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Brother...sometimes we just can't see the forest for the trees. It's all good.


Great. Now I'm a blind [email protected]


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Inform the HR first...nothing over the top though. Or better, if you know some one from HR, ask them how to deal with it .

What exactly is your W jealous about?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Inform the HR first...nothing over the top though. Or better, if you know some one from HR, ask them how to deal with it .
> 
> What exactly is your W jealous about?


She's always been jealous. If a woman talks to me she sees it through those green eyes of hers.

I do get attention from the opposite sex, but don't act on it. Doesn't help that women openly pick up on me in front of her. I went on a fitness kick after Dday, that I'm still on. I think she sees green every time I pull out the weights.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BK23 said:


> Maybe give her a hard no? "I'm very flattered, and you're a lovely person, but I am trying to work on my marriage, and I am not open to any interaction with other women right now that is not strictly professional. That said, if you continue to contact me for non-business related matters I will have to contact HR."
> 
> Your wife also needs a talking to. Jealousy is natural, but remind her you two are not exactly on the same moral ground in terms of who deserves a longer leash...


Get her and the exOM together? Or is that too cruel?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Get her and the exOM together? Or is that too cruel?


ExOM deserves it, but I would feel bad for the possible bunny boiler.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Ovid said:


> She's always been jealous. If a woman talks to me she sees it through those green eyes of hers.
> 
> I do get attention from the opposite sex, but don't act on it. Doesn't help that women openly pick up on me in front of her. I went on a fitness kick after Dday, that I'm still on. I think she sees green every time I pull out the weights.


Hah thats weird, my wife seems to actually enjoy it. The attention from other females. And the weights. I dont take either too seriously though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Hah thats weird, my wife seems to actually enjoy it. The attention from other females. And the weights. I dont take either too seriously though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not mine. Her insecurity played a role in her cheating, so it's a good thing your W likes it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Inform the HR first...nothing over the top though. Or better, if you know some one from HR, ask them how to deal with it .


Inform HR NOW. I have watched three incidents go bad, in the last 5 years at my current job and waiting could end up with you fired. Sexual Harassment is still strongly biased towards women. You need a record if anything goes south.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Inform HR NOW. I have watched three incidents go bad, in the last 5 years at my current job and waiting could end up with you fired. Sexual Harassment is still strongly biased towards women. You need a record if anything goes south.


Talked to HR. They have me forwarding anything she sends me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's been 8 months. I haven't gotten any more information about the A since the second day. Day one she lied through her teeth. Said he only knew what she looked like because she described herself etc. Day two I found more, including the pictures. She has never confessed any more than what I found on my own. I was very thorough, so there's a chance I did actually find everything. On the other hand the fact that she never confessed to more than I found makes me think there was more. Thinking that I don't have the full picture is keeping me from moving forward. 

I'm thinking of telling her I found more and then telling her not telling me what it is will result in D. Any thought?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Ovid said:


> It's been 8 months. I haven't gotten any more information about the A since the second day. Day one she lied through her teeth. Said he only knew what she looked like because she described herself etc. Day two I found more, including the pictures. She has never confessed any more than what I found on my own. I was very thorough, so there's a chance I did actually find everything. On the other hand the fact that she never confessed to more than I found makes me think there was more. Thinking that I don't have the full picture is keeping me from moving forward.
> 
> I'm thinking of telling her I found more and then telling her not telling me what it is will result in D. Any thought?


What about threatening her with a poly? That may help open the floodgates...


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Ovid said:


> It's been 8 months. I haven't gotten any more information about the A since the second day. Day one she lied through her teeth. Said he only knew what she looked like because she described herself etc. Day two I found more, including the pictures. She has never confessed any more than what I found on my own. I was very thorough, so there's a chance I did actually find everything. On the other hand the fact that she never confessed to more than I found makes me think there was more. Thinking that I don't have the full picture is keeping me from moving forward.
> 
> I'm thinking of telling her I found more and then telling her not telling me what it is will result in D. Any thought?


mean it if you tell her. are you willing to divorce her if she doesnt give you any more? what if she is telling the truth?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She's consistantly worried I'll dump her any second if I'm the least bit unhappy. I believe this is a result of how quickly I sent her packing on Dday, and the huge amount of effort it took for her to get me to reconsider.


Or she feels she deserves to be dumped because of what she put you through?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

BK23 said:


> What about threatening her with a poly? That may help open the floodgates...


Already said I wanted a poly. She agreed to do one. Got nothing. I don't have much faith in them and I'm not taking her there if I'm not actually going to do one. Would just make any other threats meaningless.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

naga75 said:


> mean it if you tell her. are you willing to divorce her if she doesnt give you any more? what if she is telling the truth?


That's where I'm stuck. If she is telling the truth...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Or she feels she deserves to be dumped because of what she put you through?


She has actually said that.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I understand the nagging doubts. I had a conversation tonight with my WS about the lying and deception; he used to be someone who placed a high value on honesty, so when I discovered that he'd been lying and deceiving me for weeks I couldn't believe this was the same man I'd married. I asked him if he felt bad at the time he was telling lies to me, and he said he did but he "couldn't stop himself" - he said he was "cuckoo" at the time.

But I'm still not sure now how much I can trust him. The A is over, he's had no contact, and I'm not worried about that. But the details I got about it were sketchy in spots. He says he can't remember some things, and I do believe that on some level he tried to put some of it out of his mind immediately due to the guilt he was feeling. For the rest of my life I'm afraid I'll only be able to trust if I can verify, and you just can't verify everything.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Mostly venting, but helpful suggestions wouldn't hurt.
> 
> W and I are doing well on R, but...
> 
> ...


I would share this with your wife and tell her you have no interest in her and you will hide nothing from her. 

Also, I have greatly enjoyed this thread. You're my hero.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

There are consequences to bluffing. But I don't think there are a lot, nor are they consequences that will cripple your R.

Now never getting closure is another issue. As someone who has been around here Ovid I'm sure you've read a lot of false R and trickle truth, so I understand why you are reluctant to let things lie. 

If you always have this doubt it will only grow the longer it is. And if there is more the lie will only hurt more the longer it goes.

I would not bluff blind though. I would build a believable backstory on the new evidense you have when you confront her so that she feels the stakes really are high.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I understand the nagging doubts. I had a conversation tonight with my WS about the lying and deception; he used to be someone who placed a high value on honesty, so when I discovered that he'd been lying and deceiving me for weeks I couldn't believe this was the same man I'd married. I asked him if he felt bad at the time he was telling lies to me, and he said he did but he "couldn't stop himself" - he said he was "cuckoo" at the time.
> 
> But I'm still not sure now how much I can trust him. The A is over, he's had no contact, and I'm not worried about that. But the details I got about it were sketchy in spots. He says he can't remember some things, and I do believe that on some level he tried to put some of it out of his mind immediately due to the guilt he was feeling. For the rest of my life I'm afraid I'll only be able to trust if I can verify, and you just can't verify everything.


I really appreciated this post. So nice yet so sad to get this level of understanding from a stranger. I hope you're doing well in your R.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I would share this with your wife and tell her you have no interest in her and you will hide nothing from her.
> 
> Also, I have greatly enjoyed this thread. You're my hero.


Already done, and thanks.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Summer4744 said:


> There are consequences to bluffing. But I don't think there are a lot, nor are they consequences that will cripple your R.
> 
> Now never getting closure is another issue. As someone who has been around here Ovid I'm sure you've read a lot of false R and trickle truth, so I understand why you are reluctant to let things lie.
> 
> ...


Good thinking. I'm not sure I want to fabricate any stories though. 

We've come a long way with honesty. I really want to keep that. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth saying that about this when the entire reason I'm talking is all of the lies and questions about them.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I understand the nagging doubts. I had a conversation tonight with my WS about the lying and deception; he used to be someone who placed a high value on honesty, so when I discovered that he'd been lying and deceiving me for weeks I couldn't believe this was the same man I'd married. I asked him if he felt bad at the time he was telling lies to me, and he said he did but he "couldn't stop himself" - he said he was "cuckoo" at the time.
> 
> But I'm still not sure now how much I can trust him. The A is over, he's had no contact, and I'm not worried about that. But the details I got about it were sketchy in spots. He says he can't remember some things, and I do believe that on some level he tried to put some of it out of his mind immediately due to the guilt he was feeling. For the rest of my life I'm afraid I'll only be able to trust if I can verify, and you just can't verify everything.


For this post I wish I could give you 1,000 'likes'.


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## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

i wanted to believe that karma is real. im happy it came through on your end. 

stay good!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

scae1212 said:


> i wanted to believe that karma is real. im happy it came through on your end.
> 
> stay good!


It's real but it never works on schedule...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

About a week ago I went to the hospital. False alarm. Turns out I'm perfectly healthy after all. 

A few days later. My inlaws were over visiting while I was hitting the iron. SIL watched for a minute from the hall with her son. She commented to my W how strong I am. 

A few days later my wife is asking me questions about things that show she's looking at my web history, and maybe even email. 

I don't mind her looking, but I wonder if she still thinks like a cheater.

Just getting my thoughts out...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Does that mean she knows about this website and your postings?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Yes she knows I post here. I don't know if she's read my posts or not. She made a comment that she was thinking about posting on a forum for support. I derected her to another one. I don't have secrets from her but I like having this space.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

One year mark is approaching fast... June 29th. I've noticed I've been extra down from the point I know their A started. Wondering how the Dday aviv will be...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ovid said:


> One year mark is approaching fast... June 29th. I've noticed I've been extra down from the point I know their A started. Wondering how the Dday aviv will be...


The first antiversary is tough, because you know some of the holidays that lead up to it are tainted (Mothers Day, Fathers, Day, etc). 

Holy frack! I just realized today is my 3rd Antiversary! Didn't even know it until I posted in this thread. So believe me when I tell you, it does get better with time if your WW is doing the heavy lifting to help you heal and trust is slowly rebuilt.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The first antiversary is tough, because you know some of the holidays that lead up to it are tainted (Mothers Day, Fathers, Day, etc).
> 
> Holy frack! I just realized today is my 3rd Antiversary! Didn't even know it until I posted in this thread. So believe me when I tell you, it does get better with time if your WW is doing the heavy lifting to help you heal and trust is slowly rebuilt.


Te fathers day thing is a real pisser... The things she told him that day while ignoring my existance...


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