# Help, am I being ridiculous?!?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok I'll be quick:

I'm 5'4", weigh 108. I used to weigh between 130-145.

My husband has seen pictures of me at that weight; while he's never been outright insulting, I can tell he thinks I wasn't nearly as attractive as I am now. He makes little jokes and comments---nothing mean.
But tonight somehow the conversation went to where I got hooked on asking him if he wouldve thought I was pretty if he'd met me at my heaviest.
And he just couldn't say "of course honey, you're gorgeous no matter what."
Guys always found me attractive, at my heaviest too.
I feel insecure about my husband *not* finding me attractive at a heavier weight, esp since I'm sure I'll gain weight if and when I get pregnant, and I need to feel like he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.
He said I was making a big deal out of something hypothetical and vain, therefore silly, and pushing him to say something he didn't think he could honestly say.
So am I being silly or do I have a point?
Am I expecting something I shouldn't?
Should I let it go or is this important enough to bring up in terms of: "I need to feel like you think I'm beautiful no matter what, even before you knew me."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I kinda think like a guy sometimes, so you'll have to excuse me LOL. I am just shy of 5'11, and I weight about 135 pounds. I have two boys, and during both pregnancies I gained about 25 pounds. The weight I did gain was all baby, and within a week of having my kids I fit right back into my old clothes. Pregnancy does change your body, but you do have control over how much you gain. If you use it as a free pass to eat like a maniac, yeah its gonna get out of hand. ( My roommate got pregnant and would eat an entire cheesecake in a night, said the baby wanted it LOL). Thats the kind of crazy I am talking about. Everyone does gain different amounts, babies can be bigger or smaller, its all about being careful.

I think if someone asked me that, I would probably think like your husband. Sure, you would weigh more, but you would be carrying his child. Its a lot different then just putting on weight, and I think guys definately distinguish between the two. Does that make any sense or did I just jabber?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My question is: should I expect him to say or feel or express that I was pretty at that weight, and be offended if he doesn't say or think that?
Should I expect him to either just say it to be nice, or believe it?
Instead of hurting my feelings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Another way to phrase my question: should I just accept that he basically told me I'm much more attractive now than I used to be, and he wouldn't have found me attractive? 
For some reason that really smarts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

What's wrong with the guy not liking you 20-30 lbs heavier? I didn't like what my husband looked like when he was heavier. I didn't like what I looked like when I was 25lbs heavier. You probably didn't either since you did make that effort to lose the weight. Get over it. 

The important thing is that he likes you now! As for when you get pregnant, as was stated in above post, getting pregnant does change some things about your body but it doesn't mean you are going to get heavier and STAY there. You can take the weight off afterwards and considering that you'll be carrying his child, I'm sure he'll be looking at you differently. 

He probably just thinks you look better now. THAT is what you should be focusing on...not obsessing on what he'd think of you before he met you. If anything ,keep in mind that he isn't attracted to heavier women and this will be added incentive to keep yourself in shape. I don't see that as a bad thing. 

Chill out and enjoy the present. Don't fret about something that isn't even affecting you now that is in the past.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra

You have a strong sense of insecurity. 

Sorry that I have to be this blunt with you. 

If you keep on doing things like this, your husband is like walking on eggshells when he is with you, he won't know what to talk to you. 

You have to work on this!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Um, this is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for!
Thank you!
I do need to be aware of this because I want to build a good marriage with my husband.
This is why I post these questions, to give me a reality check!
Any other opinions on the original question?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

We have to be honest with ourselves. 

I told my husband what kind of woman I was when I was 20, he told me bluntly that he wouldn't like me if he had met me at that age. 

Our appearance have attracted them to look at us, then they get to know us, then they like us, then they marry us. But it is not our appearance will keep them. 

It is our personality which attracts them to us long term. 

We have to be positive and cheerful, don't give them unnecessary fight to argue with. 

We have to be smart wives, I have a thread about 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/16437-how-i-treat-my-husband.html
We do need to try to keep our shape, but becoming a little bit chubby after giving birth to children is not a big deal, just don't become obese and always make sure that we are neat.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My question is: should I expect him to say or feel or express that I was pretty at that weight, and be offended if he doesn't say or think that?
> Should I expect him to either just say it to be nice, or believe it?
> Instead of hurting my feelings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you expecting him to tell you his true feelings or to tell you something you wanna hear to make you happy?

If you want the latter, just tell him, "Please make sure you say something I wanna hear and make me happy! Now answer properly my question!"


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

It kind of seems ridiculous that at a relatively proper weight for your height, your husband would find you un attractive..or find that unattractive honestly.

I'm 5'3" and weigh 130-140lbs depending on the time of the month and the swelling/bloating I'm dealing with. (my female parts tend to turn me into a damn blueberry periodically, as well as my ovaries randomly swelling) My ideal weight with my "assets" is 126, so on a healthy day when my womanhood is not trying to kill me, I am 4lbs overweight.

I can tell you this, I got down to 108lbs once. I get checked out and hit on far more now than I did.

Not saying your husband is bad or what not, I just think its weird.

I asked my husband a similar question, I asked him if he preferred short girls or tall girls (I will admit, I expectd short after years of his praise about how awesome my size is) and he replied tall. I was disgruntled, not offended, just disgruntled. (and for reasons of his EA's and whatever else he has or hasn't done with the other women that were in his life....and were taller than me)

Take a grain of salt with everything. Because really, if you tried something on, and wanted to know if it looked horrible, you'd want him to tell you before you left the house right? you can't ask them for honesty in some departments and white lies in the other, they aren't that complex, and mine could really care less.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Been married fourteen years and when I first got married my husband told me jokingly that if I ever got fat he'd get me a gym membership. I think it was his way of dealing with a man's fear that he'll marry a chick and she'll gain 200 pounds but it still hurt my feelings.

I would have an issue with your husband's response because it takes advantage of your insecurity and actually magnifies it. It makes you feel that his love is conditional, which OK maybe it is, but you don't necessarily want that thrown in your face. Secondly, you were never at an unhealthy weight as your weight was always within the normal range for your BMI.

Maybe you should start to ask important questions like, why didn't you end up with one of the guys that liked you at your previous weight.

After three kids I did end up packing on 50 pounds. The odd thing is our sex life never faltered, the comments from my husband about how attractive I was never stopped and it was never an issue for him. It wasn't until I realized I was miserable that I chose to change things myself. Now, I'm down 65 pounds and I do feel better. Nothings changed in our relationship however...he still compliments and our sex life is still great.

Honestly, I'm with a man who I know loves me regardless and after being on these forums for a few weeks I've also realized how rare this is. I don't think you can expect your husband to change how he feels and I would rather my husband be honest than lie to me every time, even if it hurts. If I were you, the bummer of this situation is that you have to question how him being like that makes you feel and only you can decide that.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My question is: should I expect him to say or feel or express that I was pretty at that weight, and be offended if he doesn't say or think that?
> Should I expect him to either just say it to be nice, or believe it?
> Instead of hurting my feelings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I think that would be a bit silly. I didn't find my H attractive at all when he put on a spare tire, and I am not about to lie about it LOL. Luckily, he took steps to fix it, but he also knows I still loved him, just wasnt as attracted to him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, I asked him point blank: "if I gain weight will you still be attracted to me?" and he said yes.
I don't think his love for me is conditional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Also, we both just fell apart laughing when I said: "Look, as long as you still want to f*** me when I get fat, that's all I care about!"
we both heard how silly that sounded, and laughing at it with my husband made me feel a lot better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LMAO. I probably would have been rolling too. I don't think anyones attraction would go completely away by gaining 20-30 pounds, but I know mine would be a little less. Still have sex? Sure, but I would notice the difference. Still love him? Of course! But I would be lying if I would say that he was just as attractive to me with that extra weight


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I would be happy that he told you the truth! Lying is so unattractive. 

My husband and I had an agreement that we'd tell each other if we were looking a little heavy. Right after I weaned my youngest we went on vacation. The weaning combined with horrible eating habits during that time gave me an extra 12 pounds. I thought I was looking heavy, asked for his opinion, and he said I had a belly. It hurt to know he was probably finding me less attractive, but at least he was honest so I could fix it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Also, we both just fell apart laughing when I said: "Look, as long as you still want to f*** me when I get fat, that's all I care about!"
> we both heard how silly that sounded, and laughing at it with my husband made me feel a lot better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And since he was honest at first you can believe him now and relish in that love.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DawnD said:


> LMAO. I don't think anyones attraction would go completely away by gaining 20-30 pounds, but I know mine would be a little less. Still have sex? Sure, but I would notice the difference. Still love him? Of course! But I would be lying if I would say that he was just as attractive to me with that extra weight


Some people carry an extra 20lbs better than others. If you are 5'2" (as I am) than 20lbs is going to make a much bigger impact than if you are 5'10". That's just the way it goes. It also depends on WHERE you gain the weight. On some, it just isn't as noticeable as others. 

Back when I was 22 years old there was a point when I was 98lbs. I actually loved the way I looked but to this day, when my husband sees a pic of me from that time he says that I looked "sickly" and "unattractive". I just laugh. I remember how I felt backed then I'd love to be that weight again. I'm probably about 10lbs heavier now (and twice that age!) and he thinks I'm perfect and I'm content at where I'm at though I'm still happy to drop a few pounds when I can. 

There's still parts of me I don't like and unfortunately without plastic surgery or discovering the fountain of youth I'm going to have to live with these things but for a woman in her mid 40s I think I look I look and feel great and my husband is very happy with my looks.

In the summer of '09 though I had packed it on and was sporting about 40lbs more. I was a size 14 heading for a 16. I was definitely looking a bit tubby, to say the least. Most of all, I felt TERRIBLE and unattractive and what concerned my husband was that my self image was affecting our sex life..and he gently told me that he would like to see me thinner and that it would probably help me too. Now that I've lost the weight he tells me outright that I wasn't fat but I was headed that way. 

So in July '09 I went on a drastic diet and worked out like crazy and a bit more than a year later I'm a size 5 (sometimes a size 3). I can wear my 16 year old daughter's clothes . I went from a 34" waist to a 26" waist and I feel and look a lot better! I feel fit (still working out) and have more stamina than I did in my 30s. 

I can definitely tell that my husband is much more attracted to me and I like myself so our sex life has never been better than it has in the last year or so. 

So it's not just how your spouse feels about how you look but how YOU feel too that's important! If you are 5'3" and 130lbs and feel sexy and confident then that counts just as much as what your husband feels. Seems to make sense to me. So if your husband says he'll make love to if you are 130 instead of 108 and you believe him then take it for what it's worth and don't worry..be happy.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

DawnD said:


> LMAO. I probably would have been rolling too. I don't think anyones attraction would go completely away by gaining 20-30 pounds, but I know mine would be a little less. Still have sex? Sure, but I would notice the difference. Still love him? Of course! But I would be lying if I would say that he was just as attractive to me with that extra weight


:iagree:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ok I'll be quick:
> 
> I'm 5'4", weigh 108. I used to weigh between 130-145.
> 
> ...


I find HIS comment funny about you being vain?!?!?!? Even though he would find you less sexually attractive with a little extra weight. But look at bad news and my old post....DON'T touch it!!!! As superficial as I think it to be, guys are visual and we are emotional (generally speaking). TRUST me you don't want to talk about the issue until ya get there!!!! Especially if he was joking now. 

But I COMPLETELY understand your pov because I feel the same. Once your married 10, 20, even 30 pounds should not sway you to think less of your spouse sexually. That person is your "soul mate" and should be perfect in your eyes even with the extra weight. God help us when we all get old...Hugh Heffner excluded...wrinkles sags, bulges, baldness...even with all that I hope to still be sexually active and sexually attracted to my h!!!


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## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ok I'll be quick:
> 
> I'm 5'4", weigh 108. I used to weigh between 130-145.
> 
> ...


Did you try to put the shoe on the other foot.Would you like it when he started to look like barba papa,would you still love him as much.

I fell in love with a slim girl with big tits.I loved her personality but she caught my eye because of her figure.
Personally I don't like the looks of fat people and would not marry one,nice or not.
I made sure my wife understood that before we married.
If i can keep my figure so can she.Its all a matter of willpower and of calories in and calories out,diseases aside.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bad News said:


> :iagree:


Why are you digging up this thread?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Why are you digging up this thread?


I was wondering the same thing!

Here's a funny: I saw the title and thought "huh. That sounds like something I'd ask. I tend to be ridiculous. Wonder if...yup, there I am!"

Glad I'm good and over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

ASV said:


> Did you try to put the shoe on the other foot.Would you like it when he started to look like barba papa,would you still love him as much.
> 
> I fell in love with a slim girl with big tits.I loved her personality but she caught my eye because of her figure.
> Personally I don't like the looks of fat people and would not marry one,nice or not.
> ...


That's just like my cousin. She said she fell in love with her husband because he he had dark thick hair like JFK Jr. And he always always satisfied her sexually. Now, sadly, they are having problems in both areas and she says she doesn't find him attractive anymore. I hope things work out for them.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Why are you digging up this thread?


Because W keeps saying its superficial and relegated to men, and the post I quoted was from a women. W wanted me to be honest and open, but expressing a preference that she doesn't share has caused quite a rift.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Why are you digging up this thread?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Didn't notice the date of original post!!!!


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