# separated wife has new man :(



## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

posted a few times here for advice... now the big one!!
wife and i been separated 6 months now. in this time i have tried getting our marriage back on track, she has blown hot and cold. mainly cold.
But, i have carried on trying as i love her, she is my wife, and the mother to my 3 babies. 
today she tells me that she has met someone new, that it is early days, but a relationship is something is open to and they are seeing how things go!!
How do i deal with this???? i am heartbroken, but now it seems a light has gone off.... i did expect this one day, but i am struggling that she can be ready so soon?
How do i help my self? how do i get over this?

please help and advise me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

upsetDan said:


> posted a few times here for advice... now the big one!!
> wife and i been separated 6 months now. in this time i have tried getting our marriage back on track, she has blown hot and cold. mainly cold.
> But, i have carried on trying as i love her, she is my wife, and the mother to my 3 babies.
> today she tells me that she has met someone new, that it is early days, but a relationship is something is open to and they are seeing how things go!!
> ...


Only real chance you have is to file and hope you shock her out of it though at this point it doesn't look good.
Go for 50/50 custody.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"they are seeing how things go!!" = they've only had sex a dozen times, need a few more times to decide

separations are just slow breakups. I've never understood them. You shouldn't need a break from marriage.

was there a verbal agreement about other people before the separation?

you might want to start looking yourself...or at least getting ready (workout, upgrade wardrobe, etc).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dan,

6 months is actually quite a long time, especially if she was already "checked out" of the marriage for a long while before this.

I know it is painful, but the best thing you can do is accept it, start improving your life (eat well, exercise, new hobbies, fun activities with your kids) and begin moving forward without her.

I agree with Tom that you should file now. Right now she probably feels like she has all the control; receiving divorce papers from a process server will be a real wakeup call for her.

Will it shock her back into repairing the marriage? Who knows? But begging her, trying to "nice" her back, and trying to be the best husband definitely won't work. It's already been 6 months and it hasn't worked.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I think of a separation as a period of time to try out new guys. Not a way to repair a marriage. It looks like your wife views it the same way I do. The only viable option I see is to file for D.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Dan,
> 
> 6 months is actually quite a long time, especially if she was already "checked out" of the marriage for a long while before this.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

i guess your right. no agreement about seeing other people. i am devastated and dont know how to deal with emotionally, i am a really sensitive guy at the best of times. anyone been through this before?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry you're here Dan.
What are the chances this new guy was in the picture earlier, and she's only revealing it now? Just a thought, but sadly it happens a lot more often than people want to admit.
My advice is to implement the 180. There's a sticky post at the top of the GTDorS thread that will explain. This is a way to help you detach from the relationship and start to heal.
Keep posting and venting.
Don't isolate yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One big mistake people make when dealing with separation/divorce is in assuming the other party is at the same point emotionally. You standards of how long it should take her to move on can't be applied because you're at a different point emotionally. While you think it's only six months she might think it's been six months, move on already. Besides, she's probably been detached a lot longer. Why the separation in the first place?

At this point I wouldn't even contact her unless it's kid related and get the divorce moving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

upsetDan said:


> i guess your right. no agreement about seeing other people. i am devastated and dont know how to deal with emotionally, i am a really sensitive guy at the best of times. anyone been through this before?



Time to get things in your life organized. For yourself, and your children. Those are your primary concerns. Consult an attorney(s). File for divorce. YOU file first. Your wife is "trying things out". She is being cruel to you, and stringing you along. You are plan B. Plain and simple. File for divorce, plan to move on with your life, as difficult as it may seem, be strong. Do not engage in any discussion with her, except parenting the children. Period! Do not engage your in-laws, and any transfer of information. Limit your lines of communication, and do not be on call for her. Anything you helped her with in the past, is no longer your concern. She can lay that stuff on the shoulders of her new guy(s). Let them carry her from now on. Unless they are interested in marriage, they will tire of this. . In the end, you will be stronger and more confident in yourself. Get some exercise, lay off the booze. Start thinking about yourself, single, talking to all the other attractive, wonderful women, there still are in the world.


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

reason for separation was she wanted space and we had grown apart. sort of fair. but was quick to put up barriers.

will do my best with 180 but have failed many times


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Were attempts to communicate unhappiness made before separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

thanks you Tooniave. that is a great post. its just heartbreaking. i feel now like i did at the begining. i had just got myself together and started rebuilding my life, now i am back to sq 1


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The 180 is a work in progress. It's an ongoing goal. When you fail, just recognize it and try to do better next time. You'll find that you go from "hours of success" to "days of success" to weeks... Just work at it. It's your best path to healing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

upsetDan said:


> reason for separation was she wanted space and we had grown apart. sort of fair. but was quick to put up barriers
> will do my best with 180 but have failed many times


Dont worry so much about the failing, just realize it, and learn from it. Plenty of people here have trouble with everything in the 180. It takes time, and mindful implementation. Even slow progress, is better than none at all.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Just get through one day, with no contact and one item to strengthen yourself, be it a hobby, meeting friends, workout at gym, project at house-just one thing that is for you.
Then tomorrow you start again.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Danimal,

Sorry you are here buddy.

When d-bag gets tired of your children being in the way of him "spending time" with her and bolts, she'll come running to you.

Work on yourself by doing the 180 so you won't care.

I was walking in your shoes, when my WAW wanted me back, I decided to stay with my GF.

Strong and confident are desirable, match that with your ability to be sensitive and my feeling is your ex will explode when she ralizes she cannot manipulate you anymore.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Eh? Personally as soon as my ex tells me "I found a new man to commit to" I would be like "YAY! Now will you FINALLY sign these bloody forms that I've been waiting 2 years for you to do?"

Bah, gotta distance yourself emotionally mate


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Danimal,
> 
> Sorry you are here buddy.
> 
> ...


This is so common, they realize they "made the biggest mistake of their life" like you are some umbrella and after making her purchase she realized that the color wasn't a good match and she wants to return the one for you now, or even own both.

I hope you are able to move on and chose a better life for you and your kids.
Take care!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It seems the most common occurrence in separations is one waits while the other explores a new world. The best for you now would be to file for divorce, focus your efforts on that and take care of yourself and kids. Though it feels like you are pushed back to day one, you aren’t and you can push forward. 

Even without the knowledge that she is seeing someone else, you have been separated 6 months and you weren’t making any headway as far as R or D. The longer it goes on the more likely D will happen. Buying time isn’t your ally in these situations. 

As painful as it may be for you it sounds like its time to file and change the game and start taking control of your life instead of waiting


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