# Is it possible for this situation to be resolved?



## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Hi There,

I am sure that the question of 'What should I do in this situation' is very common to many of the readers and posters on this board. In particular, I think that it's not as easy to deal with deciding what you're going to do once you've discovered infidelity in your relationship. However, I'm hoping that there are some expert advisors and readers who have gone through something similar to me, and can offer some insight.

My story:
My wife and I have been married for 5 years (together 7) and have two kids, ages 4 and 2. For the most part, our marriage of five years has been happy, and we have built a wonderful home together. Externally everything looks wonderful, beautiful home, two beautiful kids, and we get along really well.

The day I discovered that my wife had an affair with her boss rocked the foundations of our life together. She went into the basement to make a phone call, and said she was prepping for a meeting for work, but it was actually to call her lover -- which turned out to be her boss (now ex-boss). I heard their conversation, and confronted my wife about it, and walked out of the house. Later that night, she called several times begging me to stay, and I eventually decided I would do the best I could to try and do what I could to help save the marriage. My wife committed to me that she would never talk to her boss again, in any respect of a personal relationship. He was slated to leave the company in around 6 weeks time (at which time he did leave to work for another company).

What took place next was setting up counselling, and a bunch of sessions where we discussed our marriage and what could have led to the affair on both of our parts. Both of us participated, and I had hoped we were making progress. However, my wife continued to have contact with her boss, and continued to break her promises of not speaking with him in a personal manner. They continued to email one another, even as I saw signs of our relationship beginning to improve. I was working 150% to try and save the marriage, yet every 10 days or so I would find something that would make me wonder if she was continuing to have a relationship with her boss.

The culmunation of it all was a day where she took a vacation day off of work, and went to his house -- apparently to break things off. I was set to end my marriage with her then and there, but she begged, pleaded, and said that she went there to break things off with him (she was very convincing). Following that, our relationship seemed to continue to improve, but then on another night she sent an email to him (while we were having a good time) for him to come and pick her up at our house -- this was in a drunken state. Having said that, we then talked for three hours, and she promised to never do it again.

During the next month, our relationship seemed to improve even more, yet she continued to have contact with him. Not necessarily in person, but definitely at least a few phone calls, and him sending her emails. He had left the company, but was now in a position to provide feedback and guidance to her in regards to her applying for his old job. During the past week she has contacted him via phone, and he has emailed her about her applying for the new job.

Overall, during the three months since the affair was discovered, there were around 10-12 times where she was adamant that she would never speak with him again in a personal manner, and she broke her promises each time. After he left the company, she promised to never speak with him again. In the four weeks since he no longer works there, she has spoken with him at least a couple of times (says it is related to her current job), and he has sent her emails.

She is very adamant that she is being faithful to me, and that there is nothing going on anymore and that nothing physical had happened since the summer. Overall, I don't necessarily buy it, but find it incredibly difficult to take the somewhat obvious action due to the fact that we have a wonderful family, and do get along incredibly well day-to-day.

What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved? I'd personally like to keep the family together if I could, and save the marriage if at all possible. However, I want to be able to trust my wife again, and it's becoming nearly impossible to do so. We are continuing in counselling, but at times I wonder if it will work, and at other times I wonder if I stay whether or not I'll be setting myself up for a lifetime of this.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Thanks,


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

What are the consequences of your wife's actions? 

When are you really going to be willing to impose them???

Time to start making this about what you are going to do and not what she is doing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved?


No way.

Oh, and your counselor sucks.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> I wonder if I stay whether or not I'll be setting myself up for a lifetime of this.


Oh, and YES, until you train her otherwise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved?


Yes, but your wife must stop her cake eating.

What would her employers think if they knew she was in touch with him several times a day?

Or, and this might be something she needs to consider...* is he after her body or is he after whatever information he can get out of her about the current situation at his former company? *

As in:-



> "Oh, honey, yes, I know this is an imposition, but you know where Bill keeps that folder on current contract bids? Could you please borrow it, scan the documents in it and email them over to me? Well, if you loved me, you'd do it for me..."


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sounds to me like you are in the mourning stages of a relationship that you know in your heart is likely over.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> What took place next was setting up counselling, and a bunch of sessions where we discussed our marriage and what could have led to the affair *on both of our parts*.


OK, this is a huge error here. YOU had NOTHING to do with her affair. NOTHING. That goes 100% on her and her alone.

What you CAN take responsibility for is the state of your marriage. PERIOD. Your actions did not 'make' her cheat in any way shape or form.

She had four choices, as did you
- divorce
- do nothing
- cheat
- work on the marriage

She chose cheating, you chose to work on things.

She is still choosing to cheat, and if that counselor hasn't told her that he/she doesn't want to see her again until the OM is completely out of her life once and for all, he/she is worthless.

You need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The marriage will only tread water as long as TOM is in contact. No Contact must be taken, enforced and acted upon if she breaks it. He is a cancer in your marriage and his goal is simple. Find ways to **** your wife. It's that simple. The mentoring angle is just that, a ploy to bed her. She needs to send him a no contact letter that makes it clear to all involved what the consequences are. If she contacts him again in any manner -Divorce. If he contacts her in any manner and she doesn't tell you immediately -Divorce. Until he is out of her head and heart your marriage will not properly recover. You are not enforcing the vows of your marriage and until you do, she will continue to abuse them.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Is it possible for this situation to be resolved?

Yes.

Get the divorce papers ready.

Is he married or with a girlfriend? Expose him.

Expose your wife to family and friends.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

The marriage can be worked on as long as the OM is out of the picture and she decides to keep the promises she made to you. She hasnt done so yet!! You cant focus on fixing your marriage until she recommits and she cant do that now because she keeps breaking promises!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are being played.
Big time.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

How much more [email protected] are willing to take from your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

No contact means just that...

NO CONTACT!!!!

What part of no contact do the two of you not understand??

You need to figure out what consequences you're willing to enforce (filing for divorce), if she breaks NC again, sit her down and explain them to her, and then follow through when she breaks it again.

Note I suggested "file" for divorce. You've established a pattern now - she is going to break NC again so you better mean what you say when you lay out consequences. Filing is doesn't mean you actually finish the divorce, but she better believe you will or you won't have her attention.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Fool me once........Shame on you

Fool me about twenty times.........Shame on me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It can be fixed. First exposé to kill the affair and then enforce no contact. Read read read on this website before you act.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> It can be fixed. First exposé to kill the affair and then enforce no contact. Read read read on this website before you act.


Does the former boss have a wife tell her don't tell your wife you are going to do it though.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Does the former boss have a wife tell her don't tell your wife you are going to do it though.


Nope. He's single.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> She is very adamant that she is being faithful to me, and that there is nothing going on anymore


Despite what your wife claims, her actions speak far, far louder than words. 

If she is serious to stay married with you, she would know there is no way that she could continue connecting with the guy she cheated with. She thinks that you will not leave her, so she has no reason to stop cheating.

Its time to pack her bags and change the locks. 

EDIT: btw, go get tested for STDs and HIV right now..


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, this is a huge error here. YOU had NOTHING to do with her affair. NOTHING. That goes 100% on her and her alone.
> 
> What you CAN take responsibility for is the state of your marriage. PERIOD. Your actions did not 'make' her cheat in any way shape or form.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more. I think that the counsellor we have is not good, and has probably done more damage than good. I think that if I choose to continue with counselling, a new counsellor is definitely mandatory.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, but your wife must stop her cake eating.
> 
> What would her employers think if they knew she was in touch with him several times a day?
> 
> ...


How do you get someone to stop 'cake eating'? I'd love to be able to get her to stop, but I've realized that there is actually very little I can do, other than choose to stay knowing what the situation is, or ultimately leaving. I would love to find a way to save the marriage, but as it seems, there's very little I can do?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> How do you get someone to stop 'cake eating'? I'd love to be able to get her to stop, but I've realized that there is actually very little I can do, other than choose to stay knowing what the situation is, or ultimately leaving. I would love to find a way to save the marriage, but as it seems, there's very little I can do?


Out her to her employer. ASAP.

Also, STD and DNA tests But not necessarily to test for an STD or the parentage of the children! And here is why:- 

You could say something like: "Your actions make me realise that I can't trust you now, so I am getting an STD test. however, your actions also make me realise that my previous trust in you was possibly misplaced. Therefore, I feel I need to have our children DNA tested. *NOW* can you see where your actions have brought us? I can no longer trust that my children, the children I love more than I love myself, are, in reality, my children! And that is a direct result of your actions!"


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Saki said:


> What are the consequences of your wife's actions?
> 
> When are you really going to be willing to impose them???
> 
> Time to start making this about what you are going to do and not what she is doing.


This is very true. The truth is, it's a very difficult situation. Day-to-day we get along really well. She's a charming woman, and before all of this we were probably making love around once per week. 

If I hadn't found out about the affair, I probably wouldn't have ever noticed anything was happening.

The trouble is, like I saw another dad post in another forum, I love my kids so much, and the family, the house, and the whole life, and since we get along well 95% of the time, it makes it possible for the situation to persist. I just can't stand to have my children come from a broken home, and I'd do just about anything to resolve the situation. If I knew that on the 101st time she would be a changed woman forever, I would be willing to do what it takes to get there.

I guess I am at the point though that stronger action will need to be taken for any of this to begin getting better. I like the idea of my wife writing a clear letter of no contact, and sending it to the OM, which clearly outlines the consequences.

Trouble is, I don't really like the idea of continually having to monitor to see if anything is going on either. So if I lay out consequences, how will I know if anything is going on if I'm not willing to hire a PI to find out, or don't want to follow up on my own. It seems that she is quite good at covering her tracks.

It's certainly not a fun situation to be in!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

While my marriage never hit a point of continued communication (knock on wood), I too have wondered if I would be able to leave if it started up again. I think that the only sanity would be to not care anymore. So they talked....oh well. I would have to keep the goal of both parents in the same home in mind. Most likely we would have to make an arrangement of girlfriend/boyfriend on the side and never introduced into the home. But we both would have to agree to this. I wonder if that would put in perspective for her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> This is very true. The truth is, it's a very difficult situation. Day-to-day we get along really well. She's a charming woman, and we probably make love once per week.
> 
> If I hadn't found out about the affair, I probably wouldn't have ever noticed anything was happening.
> 
> ...


Out him to his new employer. They may be concerned he keeps having links back to his former employer. Divided loyalties and all that?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Out him to his new employer. They may be concerned he keeps having links back to his former employer. Divided loyalties and all that?


Wow. That's an interesting idea to say the least, one that I certainly had not considered as of yet.

I'm not sure what it would buy me though. I think at this point it's better to just decide to stay, or to go.

If I knew there was a chance of actually saving my marriage I would stay.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> This is very true. The truth is, it's a very difficult situation. Day-to-day we get along really well. She's a charming woman, and before all of this we were probably making love around once per week.
> 
> If I hadn't found out about the affair, I probably wouldn't have ever noticed anything was happening.
> 
> ...



Then you're cool being a cuckold. Some other guy gets your wife and then you get the sloppy seconds. You're happy with your life except for this minor issue of your wife talking creampies from strange dudes. Read this over and realize the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> While my marriage never hit a point of continued communication (knock on wood), I too have wondered if I would be able to leave if it started up again. I think that the only sanity would be to not care anymore. So they talked....oh well. I would have to keep the goal of both parents in the same home in mind. Most likely we would have to make an arrangement of girlfriend/boyfriend on the side and never introduced into the home. But we both would have to agree to this. I wonder if that would put in perspective for her?


Interesting concept. I think that this is definitely what you'd have to agree to, but reading it out, I wonder is it healthy? It's probably not good for the kids either -- I want to teach them to be good people, and that marriage is important. I want to teach them that being faithful, honest, and trustworthy is also important.

So I guess, if she's ultimately not willing to stop, then I have to leave. The trouble is, that she'll probably cover her tracks so well from this point forward that I'll never really know if it's just me in the picture.

Any time she's sitting behind a laptop I'm wondering if she's chatting with the OM, or if one day there will be another new OM.

It's a catch 22 to say the least.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> How do you get someone to stop 'cake eating'? I'd love to be able to get her to stop, but I've realized that there is actually very little I can do, other than choose to stay knowing what the situation is, or ultimately leaving. I would love to find a way to save the marriage, but as it seems, there's very little I can do?


You can't "nice" her out of the affair.

She knows that she can continue to contact other man and that you will stay and still try to work on the marriage. There is no penalty to her for cheating on you, other than listening to you gripe about it. She is willing to put up with your griping to see other man.

She likes having the attention of two men.

She gets butterflies in her stomach when she thinks of him. She is infatuated with him. She thinks of it as being "in love" with him. She "loves you but is not in love with you." Your relationship with her has reached the comfort stage, not the fresh raw exciting stage.

There are any number of ways to save your marriage. All of them ultimately involve your wife wanting to save it, too.

Me, personally, if my wife wants another man more than me, then she can have him. I am no one's second choice. As a matter of fact, I'll pack up her stuff for her and take her over there myself. How do you think your wife and her other man would like that?

The affair is a fantasy. There are no chores, no financial pressures, no screaming kids, no tough schedules to keep. They see each other at their leisure, have sex, cuddle, tell each other they love each other, then your wife has to come home and wipe the snot out of the kids nose and mop the bathroom.

So, one way to end it is to blow it up. Kick her out, if you can, and let her face the reality of a divorce. It must be nice for her now, she can go screw other man while you look after the kids and take care of the house. Call up your and her relatives and let them know she cheated with other man and remains in contact. Contact other man's parents, siblings and close friends and let them know that he is breaking up your family. Post him on cheaterville.

I do believe she still is screwing the other man, by the way. If it was physical before, and she is maintaining contact, they are finding a way to see each other. Days off from work without you knowing, lunch hours, whatever, that is my guess. A voice-activated recorder attached under the seat of her car with heavy-duty velcro might turn up if she is still meeting up with him. She may have a burner phone.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh, I see that you are following the famous "DavidWYoung How to be a doormat and lose the respect of your wife and others!" How is that working out for you? This place is a great place for husbands who trusted there wives with there lives only to be stomped on without any warning. Listen to the other posters here and follow there advice to the letter! Shaggy, MattMatt, Toffer,Walkonmars to name a few are more the experts at this than I am. I do understand that you have had your life torn from you, but that is just the point! Your old life is dead, you can morn it later, you HAVE to come up with a new plan for your new life and take action, like see a lawyer and have her served, kick her out of the house, bag up her stuff and put it on the lawn. You don't HAVE to divorce her, you just have to get her the heck out of there. If she moves in with the other man, you marriage was over and she did not tell you. I know this sucks at how fast things change BUT THAT IS THE POINT! You need to fight her or die a slow death like I did. Do not make that mistake, it will cloud your thoughts for YEARS! Well, I will stop there. Good luck and keep us posted on you trouble. God Bless David


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She has faced no consequence. She has shown no "actions" of remorse, only words. Therefore, you have not even begun to reconcile yet. I would assume that she is still having an affair. I would start (continue) to look for evidence.

Oh, and the next time she shows up with tears in her eyes after getting caught going to his house....make her hand her panties over for DNA testing. I'll bet you $100 that his stuff is leaking out in buckets.

How many times do you draw a line in the sand for her to step over? 12 so far? At what point do you say enough. It's obvious that she doesn't take your threats seriously. Why should she. Like I said, she has not faced any consequences. From you, all she gets is words. Just like that's all you get from her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> I'd do just about anything to resolve the situation.
> 
> I'm not willing to hire a PI to find out, or don't want to follow up on my own.


On the one hand you say you are willing to do just about anything to save your marriage, on the other you are unwilling to monitor your wife's communications.

Here's how it works. You tell her that in order for you to stay in the marriage, she has to let you monitor her devices and accounts. She can't delete anything. You can compare her call/text history to the call log, any deleted text, any secrecy on her part, is a dealbreaker. 
YOU DON'T DO THIS FOREVER. At first, you check every day. As time passes, and you find no contact, you check less and less. C

Constantly checking up on your wife is a horrible idea for a marriage. But having no trust is equally horrible. There has to be a balance. You check and monitor for a while until you regain trust, then you start to do it less and less until one day you are hardly doing it at all.

Do you think you and your wife would both agree that there is nothing that you are messaging another person that you would be afraid to let the other to see? If not, what is it that you think should be kept secret from the other?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You are" Rug Sweeping" because you have a comfortable life. I did the same thing and I am telling you, THE DAMAGE THAT YOU WILL DO TO YOU HEAD IS UNBELIVEABLE, THE PAIN, THE SELF DOUBT. I can't even tell you the number of times I put a gun in my mouth and then started crying. I don't know what to say to you now but your answer is WRONG<WRONG<WRONG! If I could go back in time, I would slap her good and walk away from my ex wife. It just was not worth the pain at all.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your wife is walking all over you and you aren't sure that you want to do what you need to do to stop it because you have such a nice life otherwise, right?

If you want to stop the cheating, there are only two choices:

1. NC with monitoring.
2. Divorce

If you don't want to do either of these things, you have only one choice:

1. Open marriage

Right now you have the open marriage & don't seem particularly enraged by your W's cheating. Do you love her? Or is it just your life as a family that you don't want to lose?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Your unwillingness to actually enforce a NC and transparency by checking up on her, and your refusal to leave her so she knows there will be consequences, means you have one option left: 
Open marriage. 

Hope you like it. 
Because right now, until you start doing something about your wife carrying on an EA that was once a PA, it may just turn out to be a one-sided open marriage.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> Wow. That's an interesting idea to say the least, one that I certainly had not considered as of yet.
> 
> I'm not sure what it would buy me though. I think at this point it's better to just decide to stay, or to go.
> 
> *If I knew there was a chance of actually saving my marriage I would stay.*


There certainly is a chance, but killing the affair is job one. Forget MC, as it actually does more harm than good during an active affair. The truth of it is, MCs have such a suckful success rate (even worse when it comes to infidelity) it should almost be made illegal. Forget counseling and focus on torpedoing the affair. 

The thought of notifying his new employer of his activities at his previous job was the first thing that crossed my mind as well, but didn't have a chance to reply earlier. Bosses don't like employees that are chronic trouble makers, let alone new hires. You should most definitely bring it to their attention. They'll take it from there if they are concerned about there reputation and workplace environment....and most are.

Even though he has left, you should notify your WW's company as well. They will have access to his and her emails. This does 2 things:

1) Alert them to what they were oblivious to and see that time that could've been better spent on productivity was spent on cultivating an adulterous relationship.

2) If that other company does call to confirm what you are claiming, they hold the smoking gun right then and there.

You're at war. If you are wanting any chance at recovery, it's gloves off and balls to the wall.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How many times do you draw a line in the sand for her to step over? 12 so far? At what point do you say enough. It's obvious that she doesn't take your threats seriously. Why should she. Like I said, she has not faced any consequences. From you, all she gets is words. Just like that's all you get from her.


Yup!
You keep saying the same things to her. She gets teary eyed. You fold. she sees him for.....(whatever shameless excuse).....you shrug and slump your shoulders.

In the mentime the other guy is livin large. Enjoying your wife - no responsibilities except in the bedroom. 

You want to teach your kids how to live an honest and moral life? You have to do it by example. A man of morals and integrity does not allow himself to be disrespected. Ever. Especially in his own home. And never by his spouse. 

It's not easy brother. Act as if you have courage and courage will come to you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is learning to hide it better or she will in the future. Contacting him 10-12 times after 2 D-days should be a deal breaker. And to totally ignoring your concerns about talking to him regularly. She is probably talking to him on how you are eating up her lies and how she will leaving you once things settle down a bit etc. She is continuing to do it because she knows you will not leave. Start divorce proceeding so that she realizes how bad the situation. Do you even know the extent of her betrayal ?

When is it enough? Why do you want to trust your life and future with some one like her ? Have you exposed her to her family ?

Talk to the OM and ask what his deal is. And if he wants your wife, he can come and take her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is still having the full on affair, quite obviously.

That night she went to his house was to have sex.

And she came home to face no consequences. None.

She's continuing to date and can't him right infront of you. Still with no consequences. None.

Advice:

Lay down the law and mean it. One more broken contact an you file and you expose the affair to her current employer and his new one.

Put a keylogger on the pc, and put her on a basic nonsmart phone that is on your account do you can see all texts and phone calls.

She has to account for her whereabouts at all times.

No hits nights out or business trips.

Put a var in her car to catch them meeting up.

If you think he is at his pace, drive over there and confront her.

And mean when you walk out.

Because your wife has now learned she can continue having sex with this guy and come home without worry or guilt, because you have let her do it over and over.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé the OM, make sure he is posted on cheaterville.com

Make flyers with your wife's picture and distribute them to the OMs neighbors and his new company basically saying, this woman is a mother of 2 young kids, she's having and affair with her boss <his-name>. I've asked that she stop cheating, and she said she would, but she hasnt. So now I ask you to help me save my family. If you see her, call me at xxx so I knows he's again lied to me, and my children and I can know for sure that she has truly chosen him over her family.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she will leave OP once she secures her job.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Your unwillingness to actually enforce a NC and transparency by checking up on her, and your refusal to leave her so she knows there will be consequences, means you have one option left:
> Open marriage.
> 
> Hope you like it.
> Because right now, until you start doing something about your wife carrying on an EA that was once a PA, it may just turn out to be a one-sided open marriage.


Well he is willing to wait for the 101st time as long as it eventually gets ... resolved. He is willing to do anything except put in any effort to do what needs to be done.

Sigh


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

NEWSFLASH FOR MARRIED DAD!

Your children are already from a broken home! You need to stand up for yourself and your marriage. You need to find a good councilors, look up a local sex addict support group and ask for a referral, I am not joking, they will be good about infidelity and addiction.

You need to drop a ton of consequences on your wife. File for divorce, expose at work, expose to her family, change the locks. Hit her with all the tools at your disposal, and don't talk until she crawls back begging for forgiveness. If she doesn't, then consider yourself lucky. Focus on you and your kids.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She has faced no consequence. She has shown no "actions" of remorse, only words. Therefore, you have not even begun to reconcile yet. I would assume that she is still having an affair. I would start (continue) to look for evidence.
> 
> Oh, and the next time she shows up with tears in her eyes after getting caught going to his house....make her hand her panties over for DNA testing. I'll bet you $100 that his stuff is leaking out in buckets.
> 
> How many times do you draw a line in the sand for her to step over? 12 so far? At what point do you say enough. It's obvious that she doesn't take your threats seriously. Why should she. Like I said, she has not faced any consequences. From you, all she gets is words. Just like that's all you get from her.



What would you consider as true actions of remorse? She says she's sorry at this time, and seems way more committed to the relationship. The intensity of the affair is definitely way less than where it was around D-Day, where she was always daydreaming, etc. She tells me she loves me constantly as well, wants to spend time together, all of that sort of stuff. Although a lot of this could be lip-service (and certainly was until at least a couple of weeks ago).

What would you consider true actions of remorse at this time? I guess the most obvious would be no contact whatsoever with the OM.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

File.

At this point she is walking all over you. 

Make her feel consequences for her actions. 

It's the only way to regain back respect - which now, she has none for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> What would you consider as true actions of remorse? She says she's sorry at this time, and seems way more committed to the relationship. The intensity of the affair is definitely way less than where it was around D-Day, where she was always daydreaming, etc. She tells me she loves me constantly as well, wants to spend time together, all of that sort of stuff. Although a lot of this could be lip-service (and certainly was until at least a couple of weeks ago).
> 
> What would you consider true actions of remorse at this time? I guess the most obvious would be no contact whatsoever with the OM.



Is being someone she settled for is OK for you ? 

Repeatedly talking to OM after the NC agreement makes no sense. True remorse would be not talking to him after the initial D-day. That time has passed now.

Say she cheats again and asks for forgiveness once again, what would you do then ? Or do you want to forgive that it is different this time ?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> Wow. That's an interesting idea to say the least, one that I certainly had not considered as of yet.
> 
> *I'm not sure what it would buy me though. I think at this point it's better to just decide to stay, or to go.*
> 
> If I knew there was a chance of actually saving my marriage I would stay.


A little satisfaction that you got back at the POS who's been screwing your wife and breaking up your marriage.

Aside from that, not much.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

MD, you have established a pattern that will be repeated thruout the rest of your marriage.

We see your going crazy trying to find reasons to lower yourself even further, just to maintain your comfortable life.
You are a grown man, with life experience, so you don't need us to tell you how much you being played.

The thing is, that now that YOU STILL refuse to manup, she is going to star to disrespect you in other areas of your life.
Snap at you in front of others, or your kids. Flirt semidescreetly in your face. Man the list go on and on.

But what it all means is that she wants to keep the comfort, and know she can do these things, because YOU are her bankbook not her man.
In case you didn't know, EVERY email gives her a lil shiver, just thinking how good she's got it.
So dude, you just go on using the kids as an excuse, or just admit you don't mind her dating.

Grown man falling for tears !!! COME ON MAN !!!!!!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

And it seems to me that you've been incredibly passive about this.

Do you like being a cuckold?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

And you mean to tell us you have not ssaid word one to the POSOM.
No wonder she does what she do.
She is thinking what man DON'T go off on the posom.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Have you EXPOSED her to your families?? NO !! Her friends ?? NO
!! Do something man.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

This is painful to watch.

Dear God how have we Men fallen so low?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> What would you consider as true actions of remorse? She says she's sorry at this time, and seems way more committed to the relationship. The intensity of the affair is definitely way less than where it was around D-Day, where she was always daydreaming, etc. She tells me she loves me constantly as well, wants to spend time together, all of that sort of stuff. Although a lot of this could be lip-service (and certainly was until at least a couple of weeks ago).
> 
> What would you consider true actions of remorse at this time? I guess the most obvious would be no contact whatsoever with the OM.


If your wife cared about you and her marriage, the very last thing she would want to do is talk to a man she "had" and affair with, the man who risked and ruined what she supposedly loves, cherishes and wants.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

SIR you need to make a decision. About yourself...

You are spending a lot of time in pu$$y land right now.

"well if only I knew it was going to work out"

"Well if this was the case then I'd..."

"If this if that if only..."

You need to look reality square in the eye.

The world is not perfect. Your situation is not perfect. Frankly it really sucks a whole lot.

It's time to take the hand you've been dealt, and make something of it instead of sitting back letting your wife hand you joker after joker.

Play the game or step away from the table.

No amount of wishy wishing and "if only"s is going to save your ass at this point. DO SOMETHING.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> How do you get someone to stop 'cake eating'? I'd love to be able to get her to stop, but I've realized that there is actually very little I can do, other than choose to stay knowing what the situation is, or ultimately leaving. I would love to find a way to save the marriage, but as it seems, there's very little I can do?


File for D that will stop the cake eating; Look she broke NC many times and lied their is no hope of her being a faith full wife. My God man how many chances does a person get. GET OUT NOW


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> MD, you have established a pattern that will be repeated thruout the rest of your marriage.
> 
> We see your going crazy trying to find reasons to lower yourself even further, just to maintain your comfortable life.
> You are a grown man, with life experience, so you don't need us to tell you how much you being played.
> ...


this is so true : you have an open marriage. she will cheat again Man up you know what to do


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you read through the Newbie post? (linked in my sig). There's an explanation of true remorse in there.

I know my husband is truly remorseful because I have total access to all his electronics, all his passwords etc. I have bank account and credit card passwords. I have access to his work email. He offered to put a keylogger on his computer and GPS on his phone. He repeatedly apologized in the beginning - so m ush so it got old. He didn't make a peep when I told him the couch he got the BJ on had to go - HE got rid of it. He is concerned about how I feel - he answers every question without hesitation or anger. He WANTS to go to MC. He attends a 12 step group every week. He is attentive and loving, playful and happy with me. We spend one evening a week working on our marriage - right now we're doing His Needs Her Needs and the workbook for it. And we have fun doing stuff like that. His whole attitude toward me has changed - what he did is an open book and when we talk about it I can see in his eyes how sorry and ashamed he is.

Remorse will look a bit different for each couple, but staying in contact with the AP in ANY way, shape or form is NEVER part of it. She has to prove to you she isn't, and happily do so.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

you need to get up, and brush her foot prints off your back. 

1. You need to boot her the hell out the next time she talks to him. NO EXCEPTIONS. she is either 100% in the marriage, or 100% on the way to divorce. 

2. She has no respect for you. You coddle her, and make her feel good everytime she does something stupid. You are not helping her.......you are crippling her

3. At the very least buy her some rubbers, so when she hoses the OM again, you don't catch something from him.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> What would you consider true actions of remorse at this time? I guess the most obvious would be no contact whatsoever with the OM.


 Your wife continued the affair in your face as she continued to say sorry and fake remorse. The fact that ending contact with her ex-boss is still an issue this late in the game is frankly a complete slap in your face and shows just how over your marraige is. For reconciliation to have had a chance at working, she should have stopped contact on her own, begged for forgiveness, and done the heavy lifting needed for you to get over the pain of her betrayal. As of now your pain and healing are not a factor in your wife's life as she does not care. 

Most cheaters worry about what would happen should they get caught. Although your wife worried about being caught before you caught her the first time, she now has no such worry. She now knows that you finding out is no big deal as you have taken her back time and again. If you stay in this marraige, you need to accept that she will cheat on you and eventually leave you at a time of her choosing. If you stay in this marraige, for your own sanity, I recommend that you fake that you believe her that she will not cheat again, and go out of your way not to catch her cheating again. Just stick your head in the sand as long as you can and ride this marriage out until she loses what little respect that she still has for you and leaves you for a man that she does respect. I am sorry that you are here. You sound like a decent guy who is too nice of a guy for his own good.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> The culmunation of it all was a day where she took a vacation day off of work, and went to his house -- apparently to break things off. I was set to end my marriage with her then and there, but she begged, pleaded, and said that she went there to break things off with him (she was very convincing).


Do you really believe, in view of all that happened afterward, that she was there to break up and that nothing happened? Other than her word (which is worthless), why do you believe that?



> Following that, our relationship seemed to continue to improve, but then on another night she sent an email to him (while we were having a good time) for him to come and pick her up at our house -- this was in a drunken state. Having said that, we then talked for three hours, and she promised to never do it again.


In vino veritas.



> What I am wondering is, is it possible for a marriage under these circumstances to be saved? I'd personally like to keep the family together if I could, and save the marriage if at all possible. However, I want to be able to trust my wife again, and it's becoming nearly impossible to do so. We are continuing in counselling, but at times I wonder if it will work, and at other times I wonder if I stay whether or not I'll be setting myself up for a lifetime of this.
> 
> Has anyone had a similar experience?
> 
> Thanks,


Your problem is actually quit simple. She continues the affiar, you beg her not to, she promises she won't, but then continues. Repeat. She knows that you don't really mean it because you don't do anything when she continues the affair. Why would she think otherwise. Whatever words you are speaking are drowned out by your inaction.

The only way you will stop this is to inform her of the consequences of contacting him again and then following through.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> The trouble is, like I saw another dad post in another forum, I love my kids so much, and the family, the house, and the whole life, and since we get along well 95% of the time, it makes it possible for the situation to persist. I just can't stand to have my children come from a broken home, and I'd do just about anything to resolve the situation. If I knew that on the 101st time she would be a changed woman forever, I would be willing to do what it takes to get there.


Except that you are teaching your kids that they should accept a spouse cheating on them. They likely know something is wrong, and they may eventually learn about this, particularly if you live with it. Is that the message you want them to receive - that they deserve a spouse how cheats on them and does not care about the hurt they give them?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

MarriedDad. Please listen to all the great advice you are getting. You have to man up and realize you are being treated like a doormat.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> *What would you consider as true actions of remorse?* She says she's sorry at this time, and seems way more committed to the relationship. *The intensity of the affair is definitely way less than where it was around D-Day*, where she was always daydreaming, etc.


C'mo man, man...

What's worse, losing her or sharing her? (well... yeah, less fiercely than time ago...)
I don't need and answer, your (in)actions are speaking for you.
What kind of message do you believe you are sending her? Do you believe she sees you as a man with self respect?
Who respect such a man? Could her wife?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> MD, you have established a pattern that will be repeated thruout the rest of your marriage.
> 
> We see your going crazy trying to find reasons to lower yourself even further, just to maintain your comfortable life.
> You are a grown man, with life experience, so you don't need us to tell you how much you being played.
> ...


Yep. I'll admit that there's plenty of reasons that I should not stay, and that I should take action. Having said that, I suppose the reason it's so difficult is that we had a great 5 years of marriage, and really don't want it to come to an end. It's everything, the house, the kids, the cards, the families, etc. 

That's why, if it were possible to save the marriage it would be great.

Having said that, I think we have a counsellor that sucks -- as well intentioned as she may be -- and I think that we could have potentially been much further ahead in the process.

I can only imagine that there's a lot more to this than I know about, and that the repeated contact has shown a lack of remorse.

In terms of not respecting me in other areas of my life, I'd say that's not the case at all. The strange thing is that we actually get along quite well -- which makes it more difficult. 

Having said that, I am coming to the realization that without true remorse or a real sense of being sorry for what has happened, real reconciliation will not be possible. Then it's a matter of what will I do under those circumstances.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

barbados said:


> MarriedDad. Please listen to all the great advice you are getting. You have to man up and realize you are being treated like a doormat.


Thank you. The advice received has been amazing.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Malaise said:


> And it seems to me that you've been incredibly passive about this.
> 
> Do you like being a cuckold?


Well, I tend to be very forgiving in nature. However, forgiveness doesn't mean that this can go on forever.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At this point you are closer to bring the OM in her relationship with her boss than her husband. You occasionally interfere with their love affair and your wife feels no guilt over hurting you, however you can bet that she is deeply applogogetuc to him for not bring as true n's faithful to him as he deserves from her.

She continues to cake eat at will


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> Well, I tend to be very forgiving in nature. However, forgiveness doesn't mean that this can go on forever.


The thing is, it's this forgiving nature that has kept her cheating. She has learned that you will not hold her accountable. You have enabled her to continue cheating. You have taught her to keep at it. She needs positive feedback when she does right, and real consequence when she does wrong.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MarrDad---How long do you intend to be walked on-----she is manipulating you---telling you what you want to hear, and appeasing you, so you keep coming up with reasons to stay, and keep going on with her---and you do NOTHING, as she contacts him right in front of you and goes off with him------how do you have any respect for yourself----what do you intend to tell your kids, as to what kind of integrity their father has, when he just lets his wife go and be with this other guy, and does nothing-------SHE DOES NOT GET TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HER LOVER FOR ANY REASON, WHATSOEVER

She still has her cushy lifestyle---she is still in contact, and you just watch it all happen---has there ever been any ACCOUNTABILITY, EVER??????

You need to go to school---so let me suggest you go over to Doc Cool, and read, and read, and read, some more---and then you can get sick.

No matter what, at any time, for any reason, never leave your home---that would get you nailed for abandonment

You have basically one major weapon---that is D/THREAT OF D---you need to put those on the table---also there is no privacy in a mge---and for now, if you want this to work---you MUST BE A PAROLE OFFICER---for how long is up to you, and how you percieve your wife.

One last thing, if you stay, make her sign a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause

Good luck cuz are gonna need it, based on how you are handling this right now


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Wow. I just wanted to say thanks for all of the amazing advice that everyone has provided.

One of the things that has been fairly obvious to me for some time is that she has not shown real remorse for what has happened -- hence the reason contact continues. If I'm honest with myself, I think that it's likely it went from a PA to an EA -- although I don't know for sure at this time. Even if it went to an EA, the problem is that there was a significant breach in trust just a few weeks back, and there is no real remorse in regards to the few phone calls that took place.

She always apologized on a daily basis shortly after d-day1, and then d-day2. However, once she took the stance that it's over, she's maintained that she's doing everything she should be doing. I personally think it's a load of BS that he would have only called her for work when she was away on a business trip -- what nonsense, but she still maintains that it's completely over. Maybe there hasn't been any physical contact since aug. as she claims, but there has certainly been emotional contact.

There's a number of challenges to say the least, and this has put me in the awful position of trying to solve an equation that is next to impossible to resolve. You love your family, your wife, and your whole life together, yet she continues to behave in a way that will ultimately destroy it all unless she makes a dramatic course correction. It's a damn shame to say the least.

The other problem is, even if she begins to show true remorse and we start making progress in the right direction, re-establishing trust after all of this nonsense will be next to impossible.

Is there anyone who had an experience similar to mine that was successfully able to reconcile?

Also, is the 'positive approach' better in situations like this? i.e. Unconditional love, taking action such as going to church together, etc.?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey MarrDad---How long do you intend to be walked on-----she is manipulating you---telling you what you want to hear, and appeasing you, so you keep coming up with reasons to stay, and keep going on with her---and you do NOTHING, as she contacts him right in front of you and goes off with him------how do you have any respect for yourself----what do you intend to tell your kids, as to what kind of integrity their father has, when he just lets his wife go and be with this other guy, and does nothing-------SHE DOES NOT GET TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HER LOVER FOR ANY REASON, WHATSOEVER
> 
> She still has her cushy lifestyle---she is still in contact, and you just watch it all happen---has there ever been any ACCOUNTABILITY, EVER??????
> 
> ...


Who is Doc Cool? Where can I access the site?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> Who is Doc Cool? Where can I access the site?


Yuck. Found the site. Awful.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> Also, is the 'positive approach' better in situations like this? i.e. Unconditional love, taking action such as going to church together, etc.?


You can never ever "nice" her out of the affair fog. 

Also, I think your wrong that it went to EA. when she went to say goodbye one "last" time, I guarantee she spread her legs again. Look at her prior actions. A zebra doesn't change it's stripes.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You can never ever "nice" her out of the affair fog.
> 
> Also, I think your wrong that it went to EA. when she went to say goodbye one "last" time, I guarantee she spread her legs again. Look at her prior actions. A zebra doesn't change it's stripes.


That 'goodbye' was 2 1/2 months ago, but yeah I'd agree with you the evidence doesn't point to an EA at all at that time.

So is there a way to shake someone out of the affair fog that isn't showing real remorse?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Have you EXPOSED her to your families?? NO !! Her friends ?? NO
> !! Do something man.


Yes on her side, no on mine. We haven't disclosed this to her friends.

How does the exposure shake the affair fog? I would think it would just make a person run away from the marriage?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Threaten to file. Then do it. If she starts doing everything you ask of her right away, then you can stop it and start a real R. Yes it has to be this drastic of an action. No half measures at this point.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you file you can always stop it but to "wake" her up and show some cajones you should file jmo.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

jfv said:


> Threaten to file. Then do it. If she starts doing everything you ask of her right away, then you can stop it and start a real R. Yes it has to be this drastic of an action. No half measures at this point.


I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


What do you have now if she keeps in contact with OM. She says its over but we all know it isn't as long as they talk.

Methink she doth protest too much.

She talks to him, the affair is ongoing. Bottom line.

She knows this, you know this , and all of us watching know it also.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


Doesn't that right there tell you a lot? I left my STBXH as a WAW after I realized I could never trust him again after he strangled me into unconsciousness and threatened to kill me. I stuck it out for 6 yrs. I tried being the dutiful wife, but I couldn't get over what he had done. The physical stopped, the emotional did not. To me that lack of remorse was enough for me to leave and not look back. 

I realize my story and yours are very different, but they both involve a spouse that lacked respect for the partner, did them wrong, and didn't stop. 

I'm not saying leave; no one can tell you to do that. Just ask yourself what you can/can't live with. Draw the line and let her know actions have consequences. You deserve happiness, not disrespect and turmoil. In my case my bottom line was anger mgmt by a date... He didn't go, so I walked. I have a son too, so I understand how hard it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


And you think if you continue to ask, and say pretty please don't cheat, that she will magically realise the error of her ways?

Look, 95% of the people giving you advice want to help you save your marriage, not destroy it. If she reacts like that to you respecting yourself, there isn't anything worth saving. You need to face your fear and deal with this head on. Your kids are depending on you to make it better, one way or the other. The status quo is not good for them, for you, or even for your wife.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


Married there have to be consequences my friend. You wouldn't be here if everything was ok not beating you up just read what people are saying and their life experience.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

MarrDad---yes Doc Cool, is awful---I said you would be sick----BUT---it shows you how they think----like it or not---THAT IS YOUR WIFE

You at this point do not have much a mge., to be working on----there must be NC----and it needs to start yesterday----as long as her mind thinks of him, and it does, cuz there is still contact---you are 2nd best, and your mge. right now, is in a bad place

This guy is not gonna take care of her---if you dump her---he doesn't want her, but at this point you need to wake her up to the deadly serious fact---that maybe you don't want her either-----hopefully if she gets hit with you her loving H., leaving her also---maybe she will finally "get it"

There is only one weapon that will do that---and you know what that is----use it----and no more being mr nice guy----you have to be hard as nails, if you intend to bring her home from disneyland!!!!!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


 If this is really true, then you just admitted that the marraige is already dead and that you plan to hang on to the bitter end anyways. At this point, there is no further advice that anyone can give you that will be of any help.

*Nothing to see here, move along now everyone!
*


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think TRy is right, you just can't be saved. Good Bye.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm afraid that you sound like another "but but" MarriedDad.

Every now and then you get a poster that posts, asks for advice and then 'seems' to totally reject that advice somehow feeling that their position, their spouse is somehow unique and different. When in fact it just totally follows a cheaters script to the exact letter.

Every time these sort of posters are given advice (other than "have you tried being even more of a doormat") they say "but but but".

Very often we see these posters back after a few weeks months saying "oh no, he/she was continuing the affair after all, you were right" "What should I do now? But but but"

You've got a window into a large source of experience on this forum use it and stop saying 'but'.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> Well, I tend to be very forgiving in nature. However, forgiveness doesn't mean that this can go on forever.



Don't hide cowardice under the mask of forgiveness. You are being a coward now. Read your own posts once again..If 95% of the marriage is good and you are willing to put up cuckoldery 5% of the time, it is your choice...

But would she need to stay with you ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go after the OM, make having sex with your wife have consequences for him.

Get him on cheaterville.com
Notify your wife's company that her formers boss had an affair with her
Notify his current hr that at his last company he had an affair with his subordinate.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

not if it was me but can't answer for you. If you are going to try you need to follow the advice here very carefully. IMO They know much more than some MCers.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> There's a number of challenges to say the least, and this has put me in the awful position of trying to solve an equation that is next to impossible to resolve. You love your family, your wife, and your whole life together, yet she continues to behave in a way that will ultimately destroy it all unless she makes a dramatic course correction. It's a damn shame to say the least.


That sir, is the reason you are a doormat.

She's not the one who needs a dramatic course correction.

You are right though, it is a damn shame...to see someone whine and whine about how their spouse is doing this that or the other, and completely failling to take any action to preserve themselves. I guess your plan is to let someone else save you?? Your wife? MC?? OM??? Who???

Good luck, we'll see in a back in a few months. Then again in a year or two when the new OM shows up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


No wonder she continues the EA...you aint going anywere and your wife knows it.

Sorry bud you can't nice your whay out of this. I've tried it and it doesn't work. 

7 years into my own marriage is when my wife first started cheating, with in 13 years shes went through a couple dozen OM, the ONS's start towards the end before I had enough, but in the beginning her affairs would last a few month then she would be straight for a while the as things progressed I just stop caring about my WW...hence her adultorus behavior got worse.


See this sh1t snow balls. Right now your little snow ball will turn into a gaint snowman in the next 7-10 years unless your wife learns the tools to affair proof her marriage.

You do not want to be like me, life is to short. Stop sharing your wife and stop being affraid to let her go so you can find a women that will respect you(but first you have to respect your self).

Its been 3 years since I started respecting my self and stopped sharing my wife. Life is good now. Its wierd once you start respecting your self you start to command respect from others!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


This statement says it all for me. She does not want to R if you ask her to be a respectful spouse and show her the consequences for her actions. 

Understand then, you will be in for a life of this treatment for the rest of your life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> This statement says it all for me. She does not want to R if you ask her to be a respectful spouse.
> 
> Understand then, you will be in for a life of this treatment for the rest of your life.


What was said above :banghead::banghead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I will give this one more shot.

MD, have a read at my story (link in my sig). When I discovered my husband was cheating I kicked him out that very day. That was March 13 2010. Today we are happily in R and our marriage, the new one we have, is far better than the old one. That is what you have to do - you have to admit that the marriage you had is OVER. Whether you R or not, it is done. Kaput. Dead and gone. Erased. Your wife erased it with her actions. There's nothing you can do about that. 

The next step is up to her. She will either start being truly remorseful, or she won't. If she does, THEN the next step is up to you - whether YOU want to try R. But you cannot make the decision to R by yourself - how can you possibly expect to R with someone who doesn't want to?? So first she decides, then you do.

If you both decide to give it your best shot, then you have to declare a new beginning. You both have to work VERY hard at it. For years. The WS has to realize that it's going to take years for the BS to recover and act accordingly. Both have to realize that they can never stop working on their marriage. Ever. Do you really think your wife can commit to that?? Because I don't.

The whole process can be brought to a head by your either kicking her out, or filing for D. Her reaction to that will give you your answer. If, like you say, that means the end of the marriage, then you know where she stands, and can move forward. Without her.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Listen to what these people are telling you - everything that you have done thus far has fallen on deaf ears.
Your way isn't working. Try something different. Your setting yourself up for more hurt if you continue being a doormat.
You do as these posters have suggested and its a Win-Win situation: She'll either snap out of it or you'll walk away w/ your dignity intact and "Awakened". 

You can not Nice Your Way out of this.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I will give this one more shot.
> 
> MD, have a read at my story (link in my sig). When I discovered my husband was cheating I kicked him out that very day. That was March 13 2010. Today we are happily in R and our marriage, the new one we have, is far better than the old one. That is what you have to do - you have to admit that the marriage you had is OVER. Whether you R or not, it is done. Kaput. Dead and gone. Erased. Your wife erased it with her actions. There's nothing you can do about that.
> 
> ...


Hey There,

Thanks for all of your responses, and for sharing your story. It is definitely an amazing one, and am glad to hear that everything worked out. I agree 100% with you on your assessment of my situation. I think I know what I need to do, and how to proceed. It's not going to be an easy road for sure, but I think overall it will work out for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

You can't do it if you aren't truly, deep down in your soul, capable of filing for divorce.

Are you?

She will call your bluff.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

MarriedDad said:


> I really don't think she will R if I took this action -- I think if I took that action the marriage would be over for sure, with zero chance of recovery.


You are wrong, blantly wrong. 

You are not thinking rationally. The more you try to end things with her, the more she will fight to make you stay. Its human nature.

This is the ONLY way you would get a true R from her; you have been enabling her affair by being co-dependent and bluffing her all this time. She knows you will always back down so she is not motivated to change. You’ve giving her a million chances and she has failed every time and you have failed to follow through with your consequences. She does not respect you because you don’t respect yourself.

If she was going to run off because you filed then she was going to run off anyway. Has it not occured to you that you WILL be better off without her? She doesn't love you, why stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you?


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I will give this one more shot.
> 
> MD, have a read at my story (link in my sig). When I discovered my husband was cheating I kicked him out that very day. That was March 13 2010. Today we are happily in R and our marriage, the new one we have, is far better than the old one. That is what you have to do - you have to admit that the marriage you had is OVER. Whether you R or not, it is done. Kaput. Dead and gone. Erased. Your wife erased it with her actions. There's nothing you can do about that.
> 
> The next step is up to her. She will either start being truly remorseful, or she won't. If she does, THEN the next step is up to you - whether YOU want to try R. But you cannot make the decision to R by yourself - how can you possibly expect to R with someone who doesn't want to?? So first she decides, then you do.


Well it looks like she sent him an email just last week. Too bad that I wasn't able to see the contents of the email in detail, but it really doesn't matter at this point. I guess it's impossible to R with somebody who wants to have their cake and eat it too.

It's amazing that no matter how many tears, counselling sessions, conversations, etc. and the NC rule still keeps getting broken.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry to hear that MD... Time to put your foot down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

I should have probably added to the note above that today's discovery of the NC rule being broken was the last time. Thanks everyone for your tips. It's definitely great to talk to others who have dealt with this before.

Any tips on the order of operations at this time moving forward. If she did snap out of it, and R were possible, that would be great. I doubt it very much though, especially if you go by the old adage of past behaviour being the best predictor of future behaviour.

One question I have is why does exposure work to bring the person back to R? It doesn't make any logical sense. You'd think the person would just avoid and run from the situation?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Easily predicted. Sorry to hear it. 

Exposure works because it makes an affair difficult to continue. And when people have something to lose, exposure to the light of day makes it very uncomfortable to continue. Often the OM will break it off because its not worth the grief, or to save themselves. If he starts getting pressure at work because of you, he's likely to tell her to stay away. Once she sees that she was just a piece of ass, she finds herself alone and runs back.....but that takes some time. In the short term it will be hard for you too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposure especially of the OM ruins the safety and fantasy of the affair. It also often causes the OM to decide the easy sex with her isn't worth it, so he'll dump her.

As I said before. Go after the OM. WS fear blow back to the OM because they fear the OM will dump them. They're right they will.

Also why do you not have a keylogger on your PC, and all of your wife's passwords?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, a couple more things about exposure.

1. It shows your wife and the OM that you have found the guts to stand up to them.

2. It shows that YOU have let go of your fear and the inaction it caused.

A man without fear is a very potent foe.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Oh, a couple more things about exposure.
> 
> 1. *It shows your wife and the OM that you have found the guts to stand up to them.*
> 2. *It shows that YOU have let go of your fear and the inaction it caused.*
> A man without fear is a very potent foe.


This is why your W won't R.

You clearly show your fear, thus THEY have no fear of you.

People do things for many reasons. Love,greed, duty...

But fear is one of the primary reasons why we do or dont do certain things, why we take or shun risks.

She doesn't fear you and what you may do, hence she feels no compulsion to R.

She needs motivation to R and if she has no remorse or regret, fear may do.

But if that's the only reason for her to R, fear and not remorse, then pull the plug now.

You want R because she wants you and the marriage.


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Easily predicted. Sorry to hear it.
> I bet my story is just like 1000 others -- when you've seen enough of them you'd know exactly what to expect, and can easily predict what will happen next.
> 
> I never thought I'd end up learning so much about such a topic. In fact, I always thought that people who cheat on their faithful spouses were so morally bankrupt that I would never in a million years tolerate going through such a thing. When I read about people who have been in marriages for 10-20 years, and have been cheated on several times during that time I think to myself, why on earth would anyone choose to live with that?
> ...


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Quick note, do not leave your house. Kick her out or stay there, but do not leave.

It can have an effect on divorce procedings if you leave.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

A good deal of the excement of affairs is the secrecy itself. Once thigs are out in the open this compenent is missing. The relationship is just average.
Another things is the affair partners live life mostly in fantasyland, the real consequences are not dealt almost never, minimized, seen under pink colored glasses, the notion of all being wonderfull is based in unreasonable expectations with no ground in reality. Once reality enter the picture the practical consequences stress the affair immensely, they must think then in finances, houses, lifestyle... things need to be dealt with. It stress the affair a good deal.
We also love respectability, the idea of ourselves we sell people, one the image is tainted we try very hard to restore it.

Just more food for thought about exposure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That really sucks that she broke NC again.  

I am very glad to see that you have had enough though.

Are you going to kick her out, or just file for D?

I really wish you all the best - keep us updated.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Reading this thread is like riding on a train looking forward and seeing that the tracks end just up ahead!


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## MarriedDad (Dec 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> That really sucks that she broke NC again.
> 
> I am very glad to see that you have had enough though.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good luck on making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

Exposeure works great go nuclear and start asking everyone for there support in the marriage and tell them why. family ,friends, workplace...everyone needs to know you are working on this marriage and you need there support in ending this affair.

Give a taste of thing to come if she continues by doing a 180. So no more "I love yous" stop engaging her and take the kids out with out your wife....distance your self and show her the indifference she needs to face if she continues this affair.

Cut her off finacially and emotionally...again actions that tell her you will no longer tolorate her behavior.

Hopefully this tough love approach shakes her out of the fog by giving her a taste of things to come if she continues...lets face it your previous attempts haven't changed a thing!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another thing, start working on your attraction level. Chicks dig confident man so ack positive and no matter how negitive you feel you have to fake it to make it.

Go work out and get a hair cut. Buy some new clothes. You most have a perception that there is a new MarriedDad in town and he ain't taking an sh1t.


Again all these tactic are ment to get your WW to think twice in what she is about to lose if she continues.

All of us here want you to understand that the sooner your WW starts to second guess her choice the sooner she will get out of this fog and stop contacting OM...knowing or at least *believing* you are moving on with out her thru your actions not your words.

Face it she has been hearing the same old crap from the old MarriedMan, its time she see *action* and a changed man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesn't/can't get it, he is going to waffle himself out of a family. The other man is going to end up being his kid's dad. I simply cannot understand the upbringing a man must have to react like this.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

chapparal said:


> He doesn't/can't get it, he is going to waffle himself out of a family. The other man is going to end up being his kid's dad. I simply cannot understand the upbringing a man must have to react like this.


Some men are more sensitive, cut dude some slack he is going through major trauma. It's not an easy decision to be the decision maker that your family will no longer be intact. While I agree it is his WW that caused the issue requiring that decision, he has to decide how to deal with that... which is a load of crap and completely unfair. It took me 6 years to come to the decision he is making. Don't accuse him of being any less than a man because he is putting his own needs second to those of his kids and family. The thought of having some OM -- especially a POSOM is obviously going to weigh heavily on his decision. 

Is it BS that she did it? Of course it is... does he need to be stronger in how he deals with her actions? Of course he does... but questioning his manhood or upbringing is BS considering everything else he is going through. Have some sympathy... Sh1T!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dad
Go see a lawyer tomorrow. At least find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Afterward tell your wife you are setting the divorce process in motion. Tell her that these actions are necessary because she has a) been unfaithful b) lied c) treated you, your children and your marriage disrespectfully d) continues the affair. 

If she is truly committed to your marriage you will know right away because she'll be in shock and plead and beg. When she does this, tell her you've been down that path before and her words are meaningless. Tell her you'd like her to leave the house - and you'll be happy to drive her and her clothes to the OM's house. Listen to what she says in response. 

If she tells your wrong or crazy then she has no intention of giving him up. If she pleads for another chance tell her the divorce will be on the table the VERY next time you _*even think*_ she has contacted him. Have her write a no-contact letter that you review and send it to the OM. Have her call her relatives and tell them that both of you need their support because she's continued to be unfaithful. 

Tell her also that you've doubted her sincerity because she has failed to own up to the affair by not showing remorse. Ask questions about the affair. Ask for specific details. Remember her answers and ask them again later to see if she's being truthful. 

If on the other hand she flips you off - then you know that would have happened in time anyway - so don't feel bad. 

Remember you are fighting for your marriage. You can't get into this with tears in your eyes, pleading, making empty or hollow threats. You have to be calm - reflective, committed to the task. Your children are depending on this - there's a good chance that she'll stop the cake eating. 

come back and let us know what happened. Most posters here have good insights and will offer good advice for you to consider. 



Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MarriedDad,

People are motivate through fear. that doesn't mean violence. It means that people want to live in their comfort zone and going outside of it is something they do not like to do.

You want to make the affair outside of comfort zone for both of them. Make it taste bad, make it require work and effort. It's the best way to kill the affair off cold.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Happiness does exist on the other side of divorce, no worries there. Children also adjust- I worried a great deal about mine and it was rough on them, but living a lie and showing them how to not be in a loving committed marriage was also not the example I wanted to set for them. Kids pick up on things, like when mom & dad are not getting along... even when you try to keep them in the dark. At least mine did.

You can still be a great dad and be divorced.

You also have the gift of renewal- to start building a new life without the liar and cheater polluting your life. 

I can't speak for you- but the lying, blameshifting and complete lack of sincere remorse is worse than the cheating and the cheating really [email protected]!

Bias admission- I am divorced- my wife cheated

Good luck
WD


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pepper123 said:


> Some men are more sensitive, cut dude some slack he is going through major trauma. It's not an easy decision to be the decision maker that your family will no longer be intact. While I agree it is his WW that caused the issue requiring that decision, he has to decide how to deal with that... which is a load of crap and completely unfair. It took me 6 years to come to the decision he is making. Don't accuse him of being any less than a man because he is putting his own needs second to those of his kids and family. The thought of having some OM -- especially a POSOM is obviously going to weigh heavily on his decision.
> 
> Is it BS that she did it? Of course it is... does he need to be stronger in how he deals with her actions? Of course he does... but questioning his manhood or upbringing is BS considering everything else he is going through. Have some sympathy... Sh1T!


I did not question his manhood, you're projecting.


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