# Feeling hopeless....



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

I am starting a new thread, on my tattered marriage. I am at the end of my rope, and today couldn't see straight and thought I would just end it. I had chest and head pains, but trying to relax away from everything.

God knows I tried so hard to put my life, my heart & soul into my relationship and family. 

Things were quiet for a little while, and I was tripping over myself to be all things to my wife, and kids. Every night she came back to bed, I hugged, carressed and cuddled her.

I cannot understand HOW my wife can be so cruel and inhumane to me to make up lies and turn my kids against me. And when they come to me, she tells them to get away.

Yes, today, I sat in the corner of my table actually helping do the kids projects. My daughter now already hearing things from a long time ago, out of nowhere to say that "dad said this and that about you (the toxic MIL who lives with us)", and in reality I never said that, in fact what MIL said about me, but doesn't matter. That's all it took to start war. My wife completely freaked out on me, wishing my death, and saying that I abuse her so the kids and her mom hear this. 

So, I left the house in a huff, emotional breakdown, but didn't want the kids to see this, but they did. I left so it wouldn't get worse, and then after she precipitated me leaving and verbally harassing me, says that I'M MENTAL, and kids have a mental father who is abusive.

I wish a 1000 people could be in my home to watch all this, and they would know this is the FARTHEST thing from any truth, and that my wife, when she gets angry, is an hysterical, evil liar, who takes pleasure in my pain.

I endured this for probably two years, with ups and downs, but was quiet for a while. I have ignored all the 24/7 criticism of the MIL, and mumbling under her breath to me. And tried to show my wife how things can be good. We all went out to eat dinner yesterday (a rare treat in my home), minus the MIL, and things were great.

Today, it was ALL my wife, although yesterday, my daughter being mad I didn't take the family dog yesterday said hurtful words I don't have a daddy, and gave great pleasure to my MIL to hear that, as she hugged her. Today, anyway, my daughter was sorry, but the point is, I sit here for the SAKE OF MY KIDS, and ALSO TO HELP MY WIFE, in what I know is a very UPSIDE DOWN environment, but keep to myself and try to make positive - I am only human and got disgusted my wife started cursing me and cursing me out in front of the kids, I melted down, and ran out.

She makes these existential threats that I should be in jail, etc. etc. And I feel everyday my LOVE and DEDICATION and LOYALTY is all for nothing. Wouldn't that upset anyone, and probably drive them mad.

She twists everything I have to say, and now bc of my "breakdown" she uses this against me and as an excuse to hate me further.

All I ever wanted was the best for my wife and kids, and not just words but real action in helping, doing, solving, fixing, everything a husband and father is supposed to do and MORE.

It's getting to the point the kids already know ALL the buttons and words to say to MIL and WIFE, that I am toast. Not an ounce of respect as a human being, let alone the father and husband that do anything. 

I feel so alone, and couldn't bring myself to call anyone. I called a long-distance friend, but he wasn't available.

I feel that my health is deteriorating. There's no one in our lives that can set her straight. Her father (my FIL) knows all this, but doesn't do a thing.

MY wife has trust issues, and has MAJOR projection issues and control issues. I need help, or i fear my kids will have no father. Today I am an emotional wreck. I'm just writing this, so I know there's someone out there who hears me. Thx


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Sir, you've been writing about this for two years. And you STILL haven't taken control of YOUR home and YOUR marriage. Why is the toxic MIL still there? (And who cares why your MIL does what she does? How she acts is all on *her*.) And at this point, why is your wife still there, too? She, also, is responsible for her own behavior. If she's not willing or able to change that, you do not need her in your life.

You MUST get rid of this poisonous pair. NOW. (Or tomorrow morning, if you wish.) Pack your MIL's and wife's bags and tell them they're free to go where they wish ... but they will *not* be allowed back into YOUR home or near your children. If they scream, cry, hurl abuse and threats, so what? Smile in their faces and turn your back on them. Change the locks and get a restraining order, and keep a VERY close eye on your children. 

Enough is enough. You are NOT powerless, nor should you be in your own home. Is this the kind of thing you want to teach your kids? Why have you given up control to these toxic jerks? Sorry to be harsh, but that's what they are. And your wife's getting something from all this ... otherwise she'd have stopped this a long time ago. She belongs with her mother, if she refuses to be a wife to you.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I have a suggestion: it seems that coming here is not actually helping you accomplish anything, it's just giving you a place to "blow off steam" and avoid dealing with your problem. So how about you don't come back until you have made some kind of change in your life, because you are just using this to avoid facing your problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please get into counseling so that you can figure out why you are not working to fix your problems at home.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to see a divorce lawyer ASAP. You are an emotional wreck. You got a package deal of a verbally abusive and manipulative wife who came along with a dreadful mother. Your children have learned not to respect you and manipulate unpleasant situations for you.

Your health is deteriorating and you are having anxiety attacks. You said that this has been going on for two years. This has gone way too long. See a psychologist as well. You need to be able to stand up for yourself.

Don't stay in your marriage for the sake of your children. They have learned to disrespect you as they can see and hear their mother cursing and abusing you in front of them and encouraged by their grandmother. You are living in a nightmare of a toxic environment. You will lose your mind if you stay in this situation.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And buy a voice activated recorder so you have proof of what really goes on.

To sum up.
Therapy immediately
VAR, buy several.
Stop allowing your kids to talk to you disrespectfully. They're you kids, teach them.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is a strong Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) candidate.

You're living in hell. Divorce is your only shot at keeping some level of sanity for the rest of your life, otherwise, well, she'll slowly kill you. People with her personality cause many others to die before their true time. 

Visit bpdfamily.com and learn. I have a feeling you were already told about this before. Nothing has changed. Your wife is slowly killing you. Let your instincts take over and save yourself from this hell. Don't wait any longer. Do it for your children.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

What synthetic says. 

This isn't going to change, intimate partner abusive behaviour is passed thru families. Get your kids away now or they will see this as normal and replicate (as your wife probably did from your MIL). Your wife will not change without her acknowledging the problem, but as these people lack any empathy, this will not happen. A lifetime of hurt awaits unless you do what you know you need to.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Start to audio and video everything.....not necessarily for divorce but for the long effects on your daughter and your relationship....keep it because one day you will want her to listen to this......when she is much older....because she will be brain washed.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

It is damaging for children to see their father beat down and humiliated. What are you teaching them about love, about self-respect, about dignity? You need to conjure a reality about yourself that they can truly respect.

Granted, you can't just walk away from your children. It needs to be controlled and strategic, but life is short and yours is growing much shorter.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Your wife is a strong Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) candidate.... Visit bpdfamily.com and learn.


I agree with you, Synth. Yet, as *Sunflower *observes above, Mann has been ignoring everyone's advice for two years. *Emerald*, for example, suggested that Mann consider BPD two years ago in her Feb 2013 post. And *Emerald *suggested it again a year later in June 2014. Both times, Mann seems to have ignored her. He apparently only comes here to vent -- which is fine. His venting here on TAM may be the only thing keeping him sane while living with his very abusive wife.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Get. some. space. NOW. 
Get away from the toxic ppl and environment. Your health/sanity is at stake. If you happen to stay bc who knows.. audio AND videorecord everything. You need evidence.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes, part of my venting keeps me sane, and not jumping off a bridge. I have contacted a relationship specialist and seeking counsel.
Tonight I have to report this outrageous tirade by MIL. My wife was out with son, but MIL home with daughter. I came home, daughter ran to greet me and happy I'm home. Immediately came the mumbling under the breath. After I took coat off, washed hands, etc. I sat down with my daughter to do her school project. MIL launched into fierce attacks yelling and screaming and cursing me. She told me she WILL MAKE SURE that I PAY for everything, and I WILL NOT be with her daughter, and I should leave and goto MY MOTHER. She will make sure that I won't be with these children, and I am a SICK mental father. Because I ran out yesterday, she tells me I have abused my wife and children. (Rather than stay and escalate war with WIFE and MIL in front of kids) She GOES ON AND ON, and literally I'm feeling shaky because she is UNCHAINED. My daughter literally BEGGING the MIL to be quiet so I can help do her project. Threatening my life, saying there are other people to deal with me, and she will tell all her relatives about me. Then I collected everything and went upstairs with my daughter to do the project, MIL still screaming and threatening me she will call the POLICE and have me arrested. Telling my daughter I'm a criminal. Then daughter goes down to get something, and I hear MIL telling her all this sh-t about me, how I don't love her or anybody but myself, saying she has a sick father, and I AM DEAD TO HER. (big loss, she's been dead to me all this time) She has crossed the line too far, and I need to do something drastic - legally, without getting in trouble bc I don't want police involved. I feel my every day existence is at stake. 
When my wife got home, I expected further escalation, but my wife actually just kept quiet and avoided me. Of course, I heard them talking about me downstairs, and MIL telling her she must end this, and my wife saying the obligatory curse here and there against me, for mommy approval. It is 5:00 AM morning, and haven't slept. Wife went to other bedroom to sleep (all over again). I have to now give up my wife and family, because of this ANIMAL? How did I let this get so far? The MIL basically declare holy WAR on me, and she cannot get away with this. Sure, I need to get away from this, but she should be the one who is running - ideas?
Kids came to hang out with me, and do HW, and I tried my best to pretend nothing is happening.... I want to know if my posts (although anonymous) could be a log I can show to a counselor or anyone else, to show this long pattern of abuse?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Get a VAR to record her tirades.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I hope that you have seriously gone to a divorce lawyer. I would not allow my mother to speak to you in that manner if I am your wife. Your wife is an abuser to you as well and for so long. 

In addition, you need to see a psychologist to help you understand yourself as to why you allow your wife and MIL to abuse you in this manner. Your children are tired of the way these two shrews treat you. I believe that they wish that you would do something about this situation, like get rid of the two of them. Your daughter has already taken the initiative to tell Grandma to be quiet. Do the same but legally and permanently.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Next time pull out your phone and record her.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

A long time ago, I started to record for one day these "tirades" and my wife discovered them. I wanted them to play back one day in private to my wife to her in a calm rational mood. Or at most, a marriage counselor if we were to sit together. All she ever accused me of is trying to set them up. For what I don't know. Ever since I didn't bother anymore. However, in the wake of this, my wife and even kids run for the recorder, whether its a phone, or computer, after I've had it up to HERE. -even a cornered rat will yelp out a noise - as soon as I raise my voice and answer the MIL. And EVERYTIME they yell and scream and curse, and I am quiet (ignoring it), they accuse me of recording them, even when my phone is in the bedroom charging. I can swear that I am not, but they believe so, even though they have a collection of my "not so greatest hits". And its the same chant for the MIL when she thinks I'm recording: "DON'T WORRY I HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE I NEED HIDDEN FAR FAR AWAY" THIS MIL has inserted herself so deeply into my life, every day affairs, my children, my wife (who has been taken control of like a robot) AND THE MIL says that "I" think my wife is my property - which is ridiculous. So that is WHY I avoid VARS. I tried to build back faith and trust, and they do this to me everytime. The IRONY is the MIL specifically says, "Yeah, he has these emotional breakdowns and concerts at least once a month" REALLY? Isn't that great that I can control myself and discipline myself for that long, when EVERY FKn day, pardon me, my MIL is MUMBLING under her breath, giving me dirty looks, threatening me, cursing me, wishing me death (in front of my kids as usual), turning my kids against me, and yesterday screams like that. So, if I were to have this collection of her DAILY tirades, they would pony up my emotional breakdown, which is like screaming out for help, and for her to get away from me. :-( I AM IN SAD SHAPE. This morning, after no sleep, she starts in again. My daughter asking me something, and I answer like always, for ex, "Yes, of course sweetheart" SHE MIL mocks me, and goes at it again. After not having one word to my wife, upstairs, I quietly begged her to stop this insanity and don't let it get past a point of no return, and her mother has NO RIGHT to declare our marriage DEAD, she's killing me and destroying our family by letting this happen. She raises her voice, and then the MIL comforting her "Don't answer him, he's garbage and not worth it." They are planning to declare me mental and unfit, and I AM SCARED of this. But yet, I go to work and carry-on knowing what's waiting for me at home. My daughter made me promise to come and help finish her project, and I couldn't say no. I have not had dinner for two days now. I have been eating only a small lunch at work.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Stop venting and making yourself sick. It is time for you to take ACTION! Have you gone to a divorce lawyer? You have ignored the advice that you have been given here at TAM. You are seeking the sympathy of a wife who cares more for her mother than you. Can you not understand that you are being abused? You are feeding these parasites to kill you. Your children are feeling sorry for you. Can you not see them? You need to help yourself.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My advice to you will be different from what you have heard. I do not suggest counseling. It never helps, it's only a waste of money. Most of it is female based and is only focused on placing blame on you, women are never wrong in counseling sessions. I also don't think a divorce will help you either. I the facts are that men are left in poverty without their kids when they divorce.

I'm basically in the same situation so I really do know how you feel. My wife is also is the name caller and says all kinds of toxic things about me. My in-laws were also toxic and were always telling me I didn't make enough money and I shouldn't be married to their daughter. I know the logical way to deal with this situation is to leave, but you do yourself more harm then good if you do, especially if you initiate it. I think it might be best, especially since you are already been labelled the bad guy, to establish yourself as head of the household and not back down to her acusations. Have something to reply ready and waiting for any attacks she makes against you that makes her out to be the bad one. I would also start using a VAR to found out what she's saying behind your back. Fight fire with fire, you have nothing to lose.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

A lot of what jb02157 says is what I fear, but don't completely accept it all. I think there could be a different outcome. But you experience a lot of what I do. I am trying to schedule for relationship counselor (a little $pricey) per session, but he came down....i feel i have little choices...can't find anyone cheaper, who is better, at least on paper/reviews. At least he'll give me a clearer perspective at what I'm dealing with, and how to improve myself, and my image.
Last point that makes me sad, is that my daughter, 9, came and hugged me and says it doesn't matter what they say, I still love you. My tears keep choking me. My son plays both sides against the middle and either confused, or feels his lot is better off on his mother's side. (he's 12)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I would give you a boatload of sympathy, suggestions and support, but your history shows that you don't have an ear for any of those. You're just here to narrate a never ending story.

Go ahead. Give your hard-earned money to a "relationship specialist?!!!" and let him show you how to please your wife and her mother 

Sorry man. You're addicted to chaos and you love it. That's the bottom-line.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Not true. I'm the least who loves chaos. If that were true, I would have packed MIL's bags long ago and kick her to the curb. It takes a long-time to realize the situation you're in. And especially when you're diverted by life's ups and downs - many of which had my wife and I united. It was a period of time I believed my relationship was healing and the kids and her needs were being addressed, and she was realizing the meaning of marriage and family. A husband and wife argue, and make up, unless you have a dragon standing over you with a whip and can of gasoline.
You say I don't take advice, I am - trying get help, to openly assess my situation, and objectively advise me. Everyone here is entitled to an opinion, and everyone has different life experiences which to convey. I'm sure you know the cliche "Unless you walked a mile in another man's shoes....." NO it is NOT to please my wife and mother, but to please myself (finally) . Sympathy is nice, but I know it won't help me....Looking to move into next chapter....thx


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

When your wife started in on you rather than letting the kids see the harassment maybe you could have said to your wife, "Let's go _____ so we can talk."" Then when you two are alone tell your wife that you do not want the kids or her mom involved in the issues you and your wife are dealing with. Also, she needs to be informed that involving the children in your arguments or calling you names in from of them or talking about you to them in not appropriate and that that needs to come to an end. If she cannot stop her behavior you need to be the one to ask her to marriage counseling so that someone can get thru to her the damage she is doing to you, to your relationship and to your children. Your wife sounds like a bully and I am assuming you are trying to keep peace but by doing so you are allowing her to walk all over you and what the kids are witnessing is not good. Take the bull by the horns, make the needed steps to get what needs to happen to make a change. Your wife is out of line.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Your MIL makes a threat of violence - to have you "taken care of" - then starts on your daughter about her dad being a worthless sack of shìt.

The threat may be empty and ultimately unprovable,, but it's still illegal.

Poisoning your daughter's mind agaist you, though, is child abuse.

If that were my MIL,, scuff of the neck,, open front door,, kick her àss out,, call cops/CPS.

A trained child counselor will swiftly uncover MIL (and wife's) 'poisonings' - you already have a human VAR right there,, the poor lil mite.

If you want to endure threats and abuse as an adult, that's your choice,, but allowing same to be propogated upon your daughter is inexcusable.

By doing nothing, you're validating their child abuse,, making you just as guilty of it. You have a parental duty to protect her emotional wellbeing.

Your 'vents' may help you. Great! They're doing nothing to help your daughter. YOU are doing nothing to help her.

Short of adding physical/sexual abuse to it,, that's about as unhealthy an environment for a kid one could conceive of.

Quit venting for yourself and DO something for your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Buy an iPod with good noise reduction ear plugs and turn it on as soon as the monster-in-law starts spewing her vile through her oral orifice.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

mannpieces said:


> Not true. I'm the least who loves chaos. If that were true, I would have packed MIL's bags long ago and kick her to the curb. It takes a long-time to realize the situation you're in. And especially when you're diverted by life's ups and downs - many of which had my wife and I united. It was a period of time I believed my relationship was healing and the kids and her needs were being addressed, and she was realizing the meaning of marriage and family. A husband and wife argue, and make up, unless you have a dragon standing over you with a whip and can of gasoline.
> You say I don't take advice, I am - trying get help, to openly assess my situation, and objectively advise me. Everyone here is entitled to an opinion, and everyone has different life experiences which to convey. I'm sure you know the cliche "Unless you walked a mile in another man's shoes....." NO it is NOT to please my wife and mother, but to please myself (finally) . Sympathy is nice, but I know it won't help me....Looking to move into next chapter....thx


I don't think you love chaos, but I think you prefer the passive "easy" choice of staying with the status quo because it means you don't have to do the hard work of actually fixing things. I'll bet it's the same passive attitude that got you where you are today in the first place, the same passive attitude that kept you from saying "MIL has to go, it's me or her!" when this behavior first became prevalent. 

You're so afraid of what might happen if you actually take action, but look at what's happening NOW. You're harming your kids by not doing anything about this situation. Think of the distress your daughter feels watching you stand there and take poisonous crap from your MIL all the time. My heart almost broke for her reading your posts. 

So yeah, maybe if you divorce, they'll create this grand conspiracy to make sure you never see your kids again, and make you into the most evil father in the world. But you know what, not too likely. Because the guys who think that are usually lousy, abusive, delusional dads trying to justify why they didn't get a better deal in the divorce settlement. Like this guy:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/adamserwer/...l-elam-turned-being-a-deadbeat-dad#.ovBdO38Q5

In reality, it's pretty hard to completely fabricate abuse. Stories like that are rare. Don't get me wrong, you will face hardships if you take action, you could be in for a long difficult fight. But what's better, going to an early grave preserving the status quo, while your kids grieve for the fact that you never stood up for yourself?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Seek legal counsel to find out if your fiduciary duties include your MIL. You may be able to sue your wife for monies used from your wages to support her mother.


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