# R but just not feeling it



## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

I haven't shared this on the board - have lurked around, found a friend here, that seems to be going through the same thing - just many months behind. 

My husband had an EA with the neighbor. I know how it happened, I have accepted that it happened.It has been 10 months since Dday. I fought to win my hubby back, did the hard 180, etc.

The crisis is over. But I'm just not feeling it anymore. It's like I can watch him - he is doing everything I wanted - transparent, affection, tons of text messages - but I just don't feel it. I feel there is this wall - and no matter what I cannot respect him anymore. I have been working with a counselor for 10 months, and he asked me to write a list of the pros/cons - because he knows I just keep saying I don't know what I want. I keep just trying to live 1 day at a time and see the happiness in it. But I just don't - yet not enough to say - okay I'm done with you either. 

The sex for me is the hardest - I feel nothing. I mean I can get mine, but I feel nothing. I don't imagine he is someone else - I imagine that I am. 

I am not afraid to be alone, so that's not it. In fact, I cherish my alone time in my garden and planting flowers, baking cakes. 

I feel lost - so I got what I wanted. He realized he wanted me and his family. He made a mistake, but I feel so lost. I'm not lost at who I am - I am strong, but it's like I lost the marriage and I don't know if I want to continue, but don't have anything to say yes or no.

My counselor says its the ambivalence/anxiety attachment, never knowing what I might get - so I just choose to not feel at all. Comes from a dominating, put done kind of father. Yet, I know I'm not stupid - I know I can survive with my 4 kids on my own financially. I just don't buy it. 

Has anyone ever felt like this? I can't write a list of pros and cons - all of the data can be manipulated based on the feeling at the time.

My mom says that I am making a decision, by choosing day by day, and being happy for that day. But, I just either want to say Enough, I deserve better or I can forgive you. But I can't forgive him really - it was complete and utter bull **** the crap that he did, and I will never forgive him for it. It was hurtful, and for what? Gawd, it still really pisses me off. How do you do that to another human being? Especially, someone so pathetic. I just don't get it and I am going to be stuck trying to make a decision. I know anger is a secondary emotion to hurt - I've heard it from the counselor a million times, but forgiveness?? I can't get there, and I don't know how. 

I am pissed at myself for not being able to just make the decision. anyone have any advice? 

Please only constructive, as I am sensitive. I am a Cancer - moody and crabby, but quite lovable. LOL!


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

HMW,

It sounds like cheating is a 100% dealbreaker for you. And that's fine. So follow your heart and leave him.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You have done 10 months past Dday. It takes time to achieve Recovery.

In your case, you are still feeling hurt.

IMO, you have not fully recovered from your H's A.

Can you consider changing the counselor? Could you discuss this with your H, as he is doing all that is under his control?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Have you told your husband what you've told us? Not in the same words of course, but does he know what you're feeling/not feeling right now?

I know he screwed up big, but if you let him know that you're slipping away, just maybe he'll start saying/doing the thing(s) that will push you one way, or the other.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sometimes after the crisis and chaos is over...the cold, hard, reality of relational death creeps in. I agree that love is an emotion that we choose...and that is when our sense of commitment kicks in...but it can really get cracked when betrayal happens...and returning to that state of vulnerability like you had before feels like asking too much. Just know connection won't happen, the feeling will always be dead for as long as you are ambivilant...so I agree with the counselor. There was another thread about a guy who got hurt in a past relationship and now his present wife is feeling the effects of his inability to be vulnerable after his former wife's betrayal. So just realize it isn't ALL about your husband at this point...this is about you getting back to where you need to be, but if you refuse to ever trust him again, just be aware you are going to have to face this or it will carry into future relationships. I pray you can make the best decision for yourself and the kiddos.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I feel this is common amoung people who do everything to keep the WS in the relationship without even WS doing the heavy lifting or showing necessary remorse.

I think infidelity was a deal breaker for you but due to initial shock you did everything to keep your husband in the marriage and now realising the gravity of his infidelity.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

yup. sounds like cheating is just a deal breaker for you. 

maybe you're holding on to the familiarity of being married, not so much the marriage itself.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think your mum is very wise and I think she is right.

Give it time. You are married. Nothing physical happened. Your husband is working at it.

You can save this.

That is what the marriage vows are for.

Keep at it. Be happy each moment you are happy.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Do not follow your heart for it surely will deceive you, instead lead your heart.

R can be very tough. You have stopped what your husband was doing, but it's true, the cold hard reality has set in that you were betrayed and you don't feel safe with your husband any more. You still think he may betray you or what he has done may have been too much for you.

It has only been 10 months... It has been 10 months already...

I was at a point that if my WW at the time would have chosen R, I probably would have done it, but I was dead inside to her. It is hard, it is tough, but I know that your marriage can be good again. It will never been what it was. It will be different but it can be good. It takes lots of hard work and effort and above all time...

Be who you want to be. Go live for yourself, not in a selfish way but like your gardening. Find what you enjoy and expand on those things. Good luck to you!


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Forgiveness is difficult. More so for some than others. I'm 14 months after my D & I havent been able to forgive my WAW/ WW for destroying something so beautiful. R is a gift. It seems like he's doing his part. I would stick it out longer. D is no fun. I would much rather be trying to R than be D'd.

The impact on the kids, the sadness they have is very tough to deal with. You should feel blessed that you got the chance to R, not everyone does. For me, I remember the wedding vows of "for better or for worse". 

I'd stick it out, but that's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

I'm 8 months post d-day and feeling similar feelings, wondering whether I can ever feel anything close to what I used to feel, to get enough out of the relationship to feel like we have some kind of partnership rather than just co-existing. Being in limbo is so frustrating, but I know for me as much as I would like to have my feelings resolved I'm not there yet. I understand what you mean about the pros and cons. Another idea I read was to give each day a pass/fail - if every day were like today would I stay in this relationship? - and look at what you answered over a period of time. But as long as you feel ambivalent don't feel like you "should" feel a certain way and try to rush yourself. Take the time you need to be certain of your feelings. 

Forgiveness - from what I consider the good books I've read, forgiveness isn't the flip of the switch society has led us to believe. It's a lot of work to rebuild a relationship enough to the point where the betrayal is no longer such a barrier between you and you can start to push it aside to really connect again. Forgiveness doesn't mean what he did will ever be ok, just that you choose to try to set it aside, not let what he did stand between you anymore. 

If you truly feel you can't reconnect with your spouse and have no hope of that changing, it's ok to decide it is a dealbreaker.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

OP...is your reconciliation difficult because you worry that the affair went physical but you have no proof and he hasn't copped to it?


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Reading your feelings I think you already have a decision. As time goes on this feeling you have today will get worse and you will never fully trust, you will only feel more distain I would use the next 3 months to finalize your future so not to act to fast, see how its going and if you still feel luke warm I would end it and enjoy your life, be strong and happy. Remember the marriage you had is over, R is about building new, for him R is about just getting back to status quo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> OP...is your reconciliation difficult because you worry that the affair went physical but you have no proof and he hasn't copped to it?


Yes, I think so. I have no proof, he denies it completely. The physical part wouldn't be a deal breaker, but the continued lying about it would be. (Don't know if that makes sense) My counselor says you forgive for the worst - even if you don't know. But I don't know, and that's the point. I mean, you lied to me about all the other stuff, yet - this one thing you were telling the truth. I think this is one reason I am stuck.

I can forgive that he called her beautiful, told her things about our marriage that weren't true, because over time - the truth was revealed. I had the proof. Maybe that is why he wanted me to do the black/white, pros/cons list. 

She was also what I thought to be a friend. So, it was like double back stabbed. She lied to my face.  However, neither were very good liars - I had no trouble figuring it out. karma for her I say. 

Counselor: So, are we moving forward? Me: My feet are moving forward but my head is turned around watching from behind. 

I'm glad to know I am not the only one struggling. I can make myself happy, with my activities and kids. I have a lot of GOOD friends that are supportive. I have a lot of things to be thankful for. And I am focused on that for sure.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

hmotherw said:


> Yes, I think so. I have no proof, he denies it completely. The physical part wouldn't be a deal breaker, but the continued lying about it would be. * (Don't know if that makes sense)* My counselor says you forgive for the worst - even if you don't know. But I don't know, and that's the point. I mean, you lied to me about all the other stuff, yet - this one thing you were telling the truth. I think this is one reason I am stuck.
> 
> I can forgive that he called her beautiful, told her things about our marriage that weren't true, because over time - the truth was revealed. I had the proof. Maybe that is why he wanted me to do the black/white, pros/cons list.
> 
> ...


It makes perfectly good sense. This is why: My wife had a 5 year long physical affair. I had no clue. When Dday happened it was because I caught her. Yes, she came "clean" to me but I got trickle truth for 5 months. THAT was harder than dealing with the actuality of what happened.

Even though she "told me everything" my Spidey senses tingled when we would talk. It wasn't until I looked at her one day while I kids were on a sleep over and I told her "this is it...it's go time". I told her she had 2 minutes to compose herself while I went inside to pour myself a glass of bourbon.

When I came out, she told me the rest of the story. Well, that is until I gave her the name of my attorney and told her she had a literal minute to save this marriage.

The last of the details poured out in a sobbing mess. I've not felt the Spidey tingle since. And our reconciliation has been pretty good since that night. I even found it to forgive her 4 months later. However, that forgiving was more for me, truly.

You are not alone in this. It feels like it though when you're in the trenches of your affair tickled marriage and the fireworks are going off.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hmotherw said:


> Yes, I think so. *I have no proof*, *he denies it completely*. *The physical part wouldn't be a deal breaker, but the continued lying about it would be. (Don't know if that makes sense) * My counselor says you forgive for the worst - even if you don't know. But I don't know, and that's the point. I mean, you lied to me about all the other stuff, yet - this one thing you were telling the truth. I think this is one reason I am stuck.
> 
> I can forgive that he called her beautiful, told her things about our marriage that weren't true, because over time - the truth was revealed. I had the proof. Maybe that is why he wanted me to do the black/white, pros/cons list.
> 
> ...


Bolded makes perfect sense.. see my story:


If he's not a good liar, then you know he's full of it.. 

I had to do something along these lines:

You f'd him huh?

tell me...

tell me...

tell me.. I deserve to know the truth, stop bull****ting me...

I'm not stupid... 

Friends? what do you think I'm an idiot?

You f'd him, just tell me... stop lying, I'm not buying your BS anymore, you've been caught.. come clean.

Honesty, I deserve some... now.

Etc....

Eventually she broke down and told me all the painful truth.. couple month friendship turned into half a decade with her lover and coworker.. chatting over coffee turned into hotel rooms, doing it in work, sneaking off on weekends for lunch and a quickie in the woods.... When they tell you things you can't prove, you start to feel you might be getting the truth. 

Would I rather she just kept it at 'friends, EA, no sex'..... Hell no. I wanted one thing, and one thing only.... to know she was done with the lies. Period. It sounds like that's what you need... the truth.

I told her any new lies would be a deal breaker and we'd be finished.

The fact that she told me stuff I can't prove is why we are in R.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I understand some of what you are feeling. I have it too, only not to your extent. I love my H but he cheated on me virtually 3 times. Once was long ago, but the last two times was with the same OW , the 2nd time after 8 months of NC.

Sometimes I think I am a fool. I got what I wanted, but what did I get? A man who cheated on me 3 times. He has done all the right things, he is very remorseful. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how he will never hurt me again like that, and yet, he is still the man who cheated on me 3 times. Lucky me.

10 months is not a very long time for this, I can tell you. After the first time years ago it was about 2 years before I stopped thinking about it daily. I don't know your counselor and am not qualified to judge that, but, in my case, we did counseling a little at first and we talked all the time about it and us, but after a while, there was nothing more to say. It was better then for us to not talk about it as often and let our life together get back on a more even keel naturally.

My husbands tells me that talking about his 2nd virtual affair (online/phone/texting , sexting etc) to my stepson (much older than my younger two boys) is what made him start thinking about the OW again and he contacted her to "see how she was doing" and it started again.

Now he is reading 'Not Just Friends' and he tells me he doesn't think about her/it all the time, but reading the book brings it up in his mind again, which kind of worries me. It will be looming out there in my mind as a possibility for quite a while I think.

So, 10 months , not such a long time really, but I am not you. You will figure out what the alternative is and if that is what you want.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It is entirely YOUR choice if you want to reconcile or not. My advice is to not let anyone dictate to you what you choose to do.

You have to do what is best for you and your happiness. It's good to seek advise, but at the end of the day it's now about you.

Here is my suggestion to consider.

Take a few months way from your husband. No contact unless it has to do with the kids or some financial issue.

Take the alone time and see if you miss him, need him, find forgiveness for him. If you are miserable and come to miss him, then work towards reconciliation. If you find yourself more at ease and happy, then probably divorce him and live your life accordingly.

The only thing worse than no marriage is a bad marriage. 

I wish you well.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

hmotherw, I am so sad to hear you are going through this. It is so unfair that after dealing with the hurt of the affair, you now have to deal with the hurt of reconciliation. I can understand your feelings. I think you have every right to feel this way.When the man who is supposed to love and protect you becomes the one who hurts you it is very hard to forgive. It really is the ultimate betrayal. I think that during the months of the affair, you worked hard to get your husband back. That was your focus. Now that he is home, you have the time to focus on you. Your feelings and hurt are real, and you are just discovering how deep they run. 
I think you have to really start to think about what you want. Take some time to figure it out and then put your effort into making that happen. When your husband left, you were in control of yourself. You concentrated on doing the 180, you figured out how to be a single parent you were active in moving your life forward. It seems like now you have let your control go. You are once again a victim of the choice he made. I think you need time to figure out who you are right at this moment. You are no longer the trusting wife in a good marriage, you are no longer the woman who's husband left and is working at saving her marriage you are now a new woman in a new situation again. You need to find out who you are now and what you want. This will take time. 
If you continue with reconciliation or you decide to leave, remember how much you have grown these past many months. You are a new woman. It will take time to figure her out, but you will. 
Always remember:
1. You aren't alone! 
2. You aren't crazy!
3. It will end eventually!


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