# Emotional Abuse



## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

What do you exactly consider to be emotional abuse in a marriage and how much would you tolerate? Being a younger individual in a marriage, I feel like I do not have a real frame of reference to base this on. Additionally, the symptoms appear to be much more subtle and passive-aggressive like. If someone is perpetually resentful, silent, aloof, unwilling to communicate, overly pessimistic, acting constantly irritated by your presence, I would think this would seem to be borderline emotional abuse to the victim. This is something that I am experiencing and I feel like I am trying to hold up a sinking ship.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In this situation, you have any balls you start asking questions:
1. Are you happy overall
2. Are you glad you married me
3. Do you think I treat you well
4. Do you think you treat me well

And you listen. You think the answers are out of line with reality then you start asking - well if that is true how come ....?

As for number 4, she says yes and you feel like the answer is no then you nicely tell her what she needs to do differently for you to agree. And maybe you suggest MC. 




JMAN777 said:


> What do you exactly consider to be emotional abuse in a marriage and how much would you tolerate? Being a younger individual in a marriage, I feel like I do not have a real frame of reference to base this on. Additionally, the symptoms appear to be much more subtle and passive-aggressive like. If someone is perpetually resentful, silent, aloof, unwilling to communicate, overly pessimistic, acting constantly irritated by your presence, I would think this would seem to be borderline emotional abuse to the victim. This is something that I am experiencing and I feel like I am trying to hold up a sinking ship.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Good points. Already doing MC and now individually each. Questions were asked countless times and the 3 is yes and 1,2 and 4 are always uncertain answers which is why I started MC in teh first place.


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

My husband is doing this right now. 

For me, this behavior is out of character for him, so I am committed to sorting this out. 

It is a sad thing to contemplate but if this was ALWAYS him, I would need something to change. 

How long has it been, are there any stressors for either of you....is this new behavior?

I believe we should fight to maintain our relationships, expect that there will be highs and lows. But hold our ground and recognize when something needs to change. I have never done MC but I wouldn't hesitate to try if it came to saving my marriage.

FYI, I am reading some marriage books - by John Gottman (The Gottman institute). They seem pretty good so far.

Good luck, Kes


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

It's been going on for several months (since last summer). There were definitely triggers and I don't think that this is necessarily out of character but just brought to the forefront in much greater strength as a result of stress and certain things. The frustrating part is is that any attempt to communicate and reconcile specific issues does not seem to work as my spouse is putting up a stonewall perpetually. I used to think it was only the guys that shut down more often than not.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Or you could try mirroring.

Give what you get. 

If her expectation is that you usually roll over and take whatever she dishes out, or constantly try to smooth things over or please her in hopes that your devotion will make her adore you ... stop.

This method will get results. It will change the dynamic you are currently in. Will they be positive results? Maybe not. 

If she isn't doing the work of counseling, give this one a try.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Good point. I actually have done that off and on on occassion and it usually ends up with both of us not saying a word at all. I think my default to compromise and take it was my MO. I don't know if these symptoms just mean that I'm just trying to keep a sinking ship afloat.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My wife found neglecting me, or making me feel like sh!t empowering. When I took that away? She freaked. 

A simple decision turned six years of dysfunction on it's head. After ignoring, dismissing, or avoiding my efforts to compassionately reconcile our issues and keep the marriage afloat, I decided to 'get off the ship.'

Inside of two weeks she referred to me as "cold", "cruel", and said "I don't know who you are any more." The irony was completely lost on her.

My choice brought resolution to the issue. She pulled farther away instead of trying to engage. I moved out. Some would argue that my decision didn't help my marriage. Given my spouses behavior and response - I was no longer invested in helping my marriage. One person can't do it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Best thing in this situation is to agree that you are not the right guy for her and you will both be happier divorced. 

If she argues you tell her the only way you will reconsider is if she agrees to a totally different way to interact which is any time she is mean to you - you call her on it and she either gives an acceptable explanation as to why she did what she did or she apologizes AND makes amends by doing something nice for you. If she agrees you will assess your view again in 90 days.

If she isn't will to agree to that, she has no intention of changing and you should leave. Find someone who IS into you. 

I did this 19 years ago with my wife - worked like a charm. It was not a bluff I was ready to leave she was being a total biotch...








JMAN777 said:


> Good point. I actually have done that off and on on occassion and it usually ends up with both of us not saying a word at all. I think my default to compromise and take it was my MO. I don't know if these symptoms just mean that I'm just trying to keep a sinking ship afloat.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Getting back to the original point, do you think this (first post) constitutes emotional abuse??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

emotional abuse: Yes. It is a pattern of negative and destructive behavior that is harming YOU emotionally over time and will continue to get worse unless SHE commits to wanting to be married and wanting to treat you well. 





JMAN777 said:


> Getting back to the original point, do you think this (first post) constitutes emotional abuse??


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

My dilemma is trying to figure out how much I can go without getting completed burned out...........I probably already past my breaking point


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

JMAN777 said:


> What do you exactly consider to be emotional abuse in a marriage and how much would you tolerate? Being a younger individual in a marriage, I feel like I do not have a real frame of reference to base this on. Additionally, the symptoms appear to be much more subtle and passive-aggressive like. If someone is perpetually resentful, silent, aloof, unwilling to communicate, overly pessimistic, acting constantly irritated by your presence, I would think this would seem to be borderline emotional abuse to the victim. This is something that I am experiencing and I feel like I am trying to hold up a sinking ship.


I do not know your situation but I see much about divorce in this thread so maybe this is more serious to others than is apparent, but based on just this post here are my thoughts.

Anything passive-aggressive is not good, and if it is making you feel unhappy or uncomfortable then by any definition is abuse to you. 

And these things you speak of are the fruit of resentment, and as a man in a relationship it is most important for you to take action to find the cause and solution for this resentment.

For the woman, she will resent a man for usually this: He is either not in control of himself, or not in control of his environment. 

This is up to you to see what in your life or yourself has changed, even in maybe just your woman's perception even.

Take inventory of yourself, are you in control of your physical and mental and emotional characteristics? These things a woman will want to always see her man have a handle on.

And the environment, this one is including home, work, and most importantly the relationship. Like already mentioned, are you being emotionally manipulated and swayed by your woman's behavior to you? 

If you allow her to control you in that way, then yes it is not easy for a man to understand, but a woman will resent a man that will let himself be swayed like the wind by her, it is sending a signal that she cannot trust you to be the steady man in her life.

The solution is to be yourself, and when she is trying to set the mood or dropping the hints that she is bothered by you even just being around her then correct the situation. Calmly, firmly, and lovingly making sure that you as the man to always set the mood and the tone in the relationship, even when you calmly ask her what SHE is upset about, and what SHE needs to resolve whatever the issue is, to always be in control of yourself. 

To present to your woman the man whose happiness is not depending on whether your woman "lets you" be happy, is the goal. 

Please read this many times if necessary, because it is to either control yourself or be controlled. The first is happiness, the latter is misery!

And no matter what the issue is, make sure you are to present yourself as calm, happy, and content to either work out the problem, or if she is withdrawn or refuses to share or throws a tantrum or whatever, again to always be the man in control of himself and do NOT let her control you!

Again, not sure whether this is a major problem or a minor one, but know a womans nature will be to test the mettle of her man, and as a man it is your responsibility to be the man at all times and not be swayed like the wind, to like some say "chasing ghosts" but instead resolve to always be in control of yourself and your environment. 

I wish you well!


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

The divorce issue was brought up this weekend to a serious degree where it is a very real and a potentially certain possibility in the near future which caused a lot of emotional reactions (crying but nothing with resentment and anger surprisingly on both ends) and also a sense of relief knowing that there is an out if necessary. She (my spouse) was a little more inclined to pursue the divorce card although it did open up communication tremendously between us. We are showing a lot of affection and understanding and this makes it difficult to make any decision as there's the consideration things may be workable as opposed to forced. We will likely separate for a short period of time with one person staying elsewhere (few weeks to a month) to get out of the emotional warzone (she is too stressed to deal with it on a daily basis). I have stated that I would like to have things work and will be supportive and need her support as well if she wishes to stay, but also mentioned that if not I would wish her the best and have us move on.


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