# HOw do you bounce back, or is it even possible...?



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Hey there.

I've made some other posts in the past. But I'm still at a loss and very conflicted. I've gotten to the point where I don't think it's best for me to be married any more.... Which breaks my heart. I've done what I can, and he hasn't really tried. I don't know what else to do. He still lies ALL the time, I never know what's real or fake.... Does anyone out there have any advice or anything I can do to just help him....??? Is it best to just say my piece and leave? Please help....


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

I'm assuming you've tried talking with him about it? Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

fallen_angel said:


> Hey there.
> 
> I've made some other posts in the past. But I'm still at a loss and very conflicted. I've gotten to the point where I don't think it's best for me to be married any more.... Which breaks my heart. I've done what I can, and he hasn't really tried. I don't know what else to do. He still lies ALL the time, I never know what's real or fake.... Does anyone out there have any advice or anything I can do to just help him....??? Is it best to just say my piece and leave? Please help....


Have you ever asked him why he finds lying is such a great way to get through life?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is not your job to fix him or be his therapist. If you have reached the end of your rope, just end the marriage and be done with him.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I have tried talking to him.... Of course he denies stuff and get VERY defensive about it. I love him very much, but I just wonder what's real and what's not. And that's NOT cool, ya know? I have tried to get him to seek counseling. He said he would, but has never actually followed through. There are days where he's flat out amazing, but most days, I just find myself not being able to stand him. Just because he is fake.... :-( Thank you all for listening... Much appreciated.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You have to set expectations and boundaries. So far you have given him expectations, such as going to therapy. Now you need boundaries. Either silent ones in your mind which you don't inform him of, or ones you tell him.

Boundaries are not an attempt to control. So you don't say "either you go to therapy or I leave you". A boundary would be more like "I will not stay with a spouse who lies to me". You could follow it up with information such as "I need to see you making substantial effort and progress in figuring out why you do these things, and substantial changes in your behavior away from dishonesty".

A boundary is actually far more powerful than a demand. It shows self respect and determination.

A book you might like is "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Smith. Your library may have it, or the local bookstore probably has it.

I'll say again, it is not your job to be his therapist. He may have some trauma in his childhood, or his family was such that he thinks his behavior is totally ok in a marriage. Whatever. It is his problem to figure it out. IF he comes to you and asks for help you can try to point him in the right direction. Therapy, and self help books. Until he recognizes the need for change himself you will not be able to nudge him into self improvement.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Hey there.
> 
> I've made some other posts in the past. But I'm still at a loss and very conflicted. I've gotten to the point where I don't think it's best for me to be married any more.... Which breaks my heart. I've done what I can, and he hasn't really tried. I don't know what else to do. He still lies ALL the time, I never know what's real or fake.... Does anyone out there have any advice or anything I can do to just help him....??? Is it best to just say my piece and leave? Please help....


Dear fallen_angel,

You have been posting on TAM since August 30, 2012 (in 11 different threads), complaining that your H is disinterested in sex, watches porn, reads Craigslist personal ads, looks at escort sites while traveling on business, lies constantly and outrageously (like claiming a friend was his brother), refuses to do anything to improve his marriage, and generally treats you badly. Numerous times you have said you have just about had enough (you first stated this in your post of August 31, 2012) and asked if there was anything more you could do to help your H and save your marriage. Numerous posters have given you advise, none of which has proved effective, or replied that there is nothing more that you can do and advised you to file for D.

Now, here you are again, more than a year later, in the same place and asking the same question. The answer is, no, there is nothing more that you can do. He is a pathological liar, either uninterested in sex or (more likely) getting sexual satisfaction somewhere else, and emotionally abusive. In short, he is not a good person and not someone that you can expect ever change (I note that this is his fourth failed marriage).

I'm terribly sorry, but it is time to accept the fact that you made a mistake marrying him. You can take comfort in the fact that you have gone way beyond the call of duty to save your marriage. Your patience with and concern for you H are nothing short of remarkable. You are obviously a very caring person, one who deserves much better than what your H has given or will ever be able to give you.

Please consult a qualified family law attorney to learn the best way to end you marriage and seek IC to deal with your disappointment and distress.

Wishing you the best outcome in unfortunate and difficult circumstances.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Thor, thank you for your input.

And Carmen, you've got a VERY valid point. And even though it sucks to here. It is the truth. And I thank you for that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are in TAM limbo. Still uncertain about the advice you are given. Perhaps scared.

I think you have done more than enough. It is time to load the wagon and move on.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Get out of limbo!!! Its a horrible place to be:-( 

~sammy


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Have you applied the 180? You may seem very needy (and we BS are in need!) to him. The 180 will help with your self esteem and if divorce is in the books... your independence. We talk.... you have to walk your walk!


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

First off, what is a TAM? haha. I am unsure of that one. Sorry.

And I have tried to focus more on myself and confidence. But, it's been hard. 

Again, I DO appreciate all the feed back and the advice. At the end of the day, it's my decision to make. Just gotta get a game plan together. I am lucky enough to have a friend who is married to a lawyer. So that helps me out in that area a little.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> First off, what is a TAM? haha. I am unsure of that one. Sorry.
> 
> And I have tried to focus more on myself and confidence. But, it's been hard.
> 
> Again, I DO appreciate all the feed back and the advice. At the end of the day, it's my decision to make. Just gotta get a game plan together. I am lucky enough to have a friend who is married to a lawyer. So that helps me out in that area a little.


Hi,

It stands for "Talk About Marriage" - i.e. you've posted, had advice that your relationship is over, but feel unable to move on.

Understandable and quite common, but it is a limbo.

Some people take years to move on, often the betrayed only moves on as a result of being forced to. Because you are honest, loyal, faithful and a decent person it will go against the grain to give up on someone. 

It's not about courage, or self respect. It just is.

Maybe one morning you will wake up and decided "enough is enough", maybe he will do something so outrageous that you HAVE TO act.

Without either of those, you will remain stuck.

You might instead simply come to terms with your lot in life. 

Until either of those things happen, you should keep posting. Even if not everyone replies, there will be lots of readers quietly nodding in understanding and - perhaps - drawing strength from knowing that they are not alone.


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