# Fiance says having sex is like "a job"....



## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

My fiance and I are to be married in October this year. Recently in the last 3 months i have noticed him not bringing up sex and barely interested. It wasnt until we went to see my counsellor as i was upset about this, that he told me that sex to him was like going to work, "It's just something i have to do" he said!
I know he looks at porn every morning and i have questioned this and he says "Its just a realease".
Is there anyone in the same boat???


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Don't marry this man!!! If this is happening even BEFORE the wedding and you already needed a counselor, you will have horrendous struggles AFTER the marraige. Zillions of stories like this on this forum, and for them, this happens after the marriage down the road. A man should never put porn before his partner. This is an absolute No-No. 

He has as much as admitted he is "releasing" while viewing porn when he KNOWS you are suffering sexually. And he looks at it like "WORK" ! I am sure this comment tore you apart. 
He is NOT considering your needs at all here. You are better than that. 

Unless he changes this behavior and for a consistent long time frame as well, really opens up to you about WHY he started doing this (are their other problems in the relationship that need attention?), His desire to get help & you feeling like you are #1 in his life,once again. *Don't settle for less*.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

What is making it like a job for him? Is it that you've been together for a long time and have gotten stuck in a rut? Get to the bottom of it and find out what's going on. I wouldn't cancel the wedding yet if this is the only issue, but it is a point of concern that needs to be corrected.


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## albertini (Apr 26, 2010)

My advice is that you continue seeing the counselor, and please try and take your partner along,i must he needs help because looking at porn is self destructive and is very dangerous to your marriage in future, try and see how serious he's willing to change, if he isn't PLEASE don't get married to him!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Do not marry this man... it will get worse! I am one of those who did marry a man like this and its way worse than it was... even stated withholding sex as punishment. If a man is not having sex with and is looking at porn, run... he is not into you (even though he may be lying to himself that he is). We got married last summer and the morning after the wedding he rolled over and said "we better consummate the marriage" and then we didnt have sex for another week... its only when he wants it and how he wants it... he hates any sex that has to do with my pleasure...

Just dont do it, dont even try... I thought I could, we went to marital therapy and did all the "right" things... it doesnt go away.

Go find someone that doesnt play games... PLEASE! PRETTTY PLEASE!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You married a teenage masturbater who never grew up......and he never will.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree here. . .and that's as a man. Fine, porn should be a supplement (at best! even at all), not a substitute for sex.

Don't marry him.

Toolate:

That's awful. . .I'll try to match that one. I went on a 10 year anniversary/2nd honeymoon with my stb-x and on the second morning before our outing for the day (we were at Disney), I asked if she wanted to make love and she said (and I'll never forget this):

"No, I really don't."

Just like that - no explanation. . .no apology. . .just as matter-of-fact and as firm as could be.

Awful painful memory. . .fought at the airport (gawd. . .why didn't I leave her then?). . .I feel like the judge should know this stuff in our divorce but crap. . .the State of NJ doesn't give 2 hoots. . .all no-fault. . .but geez. . ."We had better consummate this". . .crap. . .consummation is a process, not a 1 time event. And it's not something he "better do"; it's something he should want to do.. He needs a good talking to at minimum.

OP, 

You have both female and male opinions here - run. . .run like the wind.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I agree with all that's been said here. I'm not ashamed to say I look at porn and take care of myself very regularly but that's ONLY because I don't get nearly enough sex. You should be his release, he should want you to be his release. If you marry this man expect this to be your life. So you have to decide if it's worth it but don't expect him to change no matter what he says. 

Good luck!


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

I have had a bit of a talk with him tonight. He was completely honest and said he thinks that he has a low libido/no sex drive. He wants to go back to the DR to get it looked into more thoroughly! I told him to give up the porn in the morning to see if that gives him more sexual tension, which therefore he should release with me. The blood tests he had for iron etc have come back normal.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

That's wonderful that he's going to see a doctor. I hope that takes care of this issue for you.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Warning warning! 

I think masturbation/porn is normal for most males even in ones with otherwise healthy relationships. However, he is choosing you over porn before you are married will likely NOT get better with time. He will likely "be good" to not derail things at this point. That said there may be other things that are great in the relationship. Is he giving and generous in other ways or is he self-centered in general? 

I have been married for 10 years (together for 13) there are times that I go down on her for 30 minutes or till my tough hurts and it never feels like work. There are sayings and clieche's about things getting worse after marriage with things like this. These sayings and jokes were conjured up from realities. 

To be fair you should report back about you relationship and sex life and what it entails! Do you expect lovemaking to take an hour and he can take 5 min to beat off. What is the frequency of it? 
I don’t have the frame of reference that others do but, agree with their positions. To qualify I regularly masturbate porn or other visual stimulation and have sex with my wife. I don’t think anyone should ask their partner to give up their “quality alone time/porn” I believe it is healthy and do see his point of being an easy “release” so can’t blame him. HOWEVER, there are several bothersome issues hear that should give you reason to be concerned regarding his porn/

Red flags 
1-does it every morning 
2-a substitute for you
3-doesn’t seem to think you should have a problem with it(perhaps this is not accurate)
4-refers to being with you as work
5-You aren’t married 
6-Is stupid/insensive enough to refer to making love to you as a job

My guess would be even if you can get past this (which would seem unlikely/unreasonable) this person will likely develop other selfish behavior that will manifest itself as the relationship continues. I would be inclined to think that marrying this person would be a commitment to a lifetime of misery. On the 1-10 jerk scale he sounds like an 11. Your counselor may not professionally be able to tell you to run but, you should consider asking them pointed questions about the likelyhood that these types of behaviors are likely to change. 

Postponing a wedding and all is probably something that is less than ideal but, far far less than having to explain your situation. You will no longer be single you will be divorced. You will have to put this on every job application, loan application and many other forms that you fill out. You have way to many red flags here. Confronted, he will stop or make piece to not have you leave him but, once married or you have kids his behavior will return and will get more brazen. Charicter flaws become more extreme once married. Again, your not married and already this kind of treatment is going on? 

PS I think he is playing the doctor card to explain his awful behavior.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Yikes. Another big vote for DON'T MARRY THIS MAN.

He may be the nicest guy in the world and he may even mean well and just not know why his libido is low (how is his libido low if he's whacking off in the mornings to porn? that's not low libido, that's low interest in his partner?). Run, run, run away. Sexuality is one of the hardest things to fix/ change in therapy - if not impossible. You might be able to fix relationships issues, etc ... but you won't fix where someone gets their kicks from, where they DON'T get them from and how often.

By the way, for some men like this, the reason why jerking off to porn is not work while making love to their woman is work is because making love to a real, live woman actually means they have to care about someone else's needs. Even very generous people otherwise can be extremely me-focused in the bedroom ... meaning he doesn't find much pleasure at pleasing his partner, he may even have trouble with his erections when he has to do anything other than just lie there and be pleased himself.

To be fair, for some men, it's an insecurity thing (maybe combined with the above). Porn is a fantasy. Sex requires some level of performance and that may cause too much anxiety for some men. Even then, if you're not already married, I would reconsider or at least postpone for a loooong time to see if it's reparable.


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

He can be a hard person to get to open up so i have recently found out. He holds things back to not hurt my feelings. My friend suggested some herbal stuff for libido.
I personally think he may have some sort of [***] addiction. I asked him if he could stop looking just to see if that worked and he could only go one day. I have let him know how serious i am about this and he said he is going to delete all his [***] links and [***] pics etc. Fingers crossed. Also he has made appt to go back to doc


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As I have said a million times in many threads, when a man ejaculates it lets off steam. It's not so much the porn itself -though that might not be helping- it's the fact that he is ejaculating to it. There is simply no urgency left.

If on the other hand he watched porn, but he made a rule with himself that he could only ejaculate with you, you might see a change.

However, to use a technical term - the guy's a jerk. Don't give him too many chances.


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

He said he has done this every morning since we have been together and he couldnt believe i hadnt picked up on it sooner. He said he honestly doesnt think its the p**n. In a way i do believe him since he has been doing the whole time we've been together. The minimal sex has only been since he started his new job 1 year ago, which is his most 'mental' job ever. I do also believe that has something to do with it. He is leaving his job on Friday coming and we are going to be working together managing a restaurant. I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Simple question:
1) Does he ejaculate to porn.
2) If so, how often?


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Yes and once a day (in the morning).
He hasn't done it for 2 mornings atm


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Advice_Seeker said:


> Yes and once a day (in the morning).


Well there's you answer. Most men only need to cum 4-5 times a week. It does not matter how they cum, but once they have cum sufficient times per week, the urgency is gone.

If you can get him to stop the solo ejaculations - with or without porn - things will be different.

However, I still wonder if he is a keeper, simply because he has not worked this out for himself yet. It seems lie he gets more out of porn than he gets out of sex with you.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

so youre telling me tht men would enjoy watching porn and NOT getting off? what would be the point, get all hot and orny, just to turn it off and wait for ur wife to get there? wouldnt he then be hyped up on what he just saw instead of focusing on his wife??? 

sry ive judt never heard of a man doing this...?


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

If sex is like a job, I'm definitely in the wrong line of work. 

Okay, with that said based on what I've read I'm in complete agreement with MarkTwain. Not servicing himself as should definitely get him focused more on you, but there's the larger problem of WHY HE HASN'T THOUGHT OF THIS HIMSELF. This is definitely an indicator of selfish behavior, for your sake I hope it doesn't rear it's head in other areas of your relationship.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SweetiepieMI said:


> so youre telling me tht men would enjoy watching porn and NOT getting off? what would be the point, get all hot and orny, just to turn it off and wait for ur wife to get there? wouldnt he then be hyped up on what he just saw instead of focusing on his wife???
> 
> sry ive judt never heard of a man doing this...?


There are only a very few reasons I could ever think a man would ever reject a flesh and blood woman to porn.


He's not attracted to her
He feels she makes sex totally boring
He has some kind of driving fetish that she doesn't know about or won't perform with him.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> There are only a very few reasons I could ever think a man would ever reject a flesh and blood woman to porn.
> 
> 
> He's not attracted to her
> ...


I meant lets say if hes home by himself, i dont see how it would be any fun to watch porn, get all hyped up- and not get off? It just doesnt make sense......i dont see how a guy could watch some porn- start playing with himself and then be like "gee i may be getting close, its time to zip up" lol it sounds crazy to me-- 

I didnt mean if he had the choice, i would hope that men would choose their wife to porn any day of the week!


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

i completely feel ya on this one. anytime i approach sex lately he's just too tired if i wait till the last minute, so tonight for instance i kinda mentioned it early in the evening...and he said "that's just gonna have to wait until tomorrow." Then when i looked at him like WTF? He said "i'm just kidding, can't you learn to take a joke?" Because me wanting to have sex with him is like a joke...wtf? so then bedtime came around and he said "So are we gonna do this or what?" And then when we went up stairs he just laid there and didn't say one word to me. Then when i get upset it's me always making him out to be the bad guy. I mean really, what is wrong with men???????? for a piece of advice, my ex-husband was like this too...and it DOESN'T get better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SweetiepieMI said:


> so youre telling me tht men would enjoy watching porn and NOT getting off? what would be the point, get all hot and orny, just to turn it off and wait for ur wife to get there? wouldnt he then be hyped up on what he just saw instead of focusing on his wife???
> 
> sry ive judt never heard of a man doing this...?


A man who knows himself will not cum to porn, if he has any intention of having sex with his wife the same day. He knows that once he has cum, he will not be very turned on, even if 3 *real* women walk in the door and beg for sex.

So if I ever watch porn or read an erotic novel, I never cum to it. 

Ejaculation is the key to understanding this one...


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Just a few hours ago i tried to 'jump' him, had him pushed against the wall even and he pushed me away. He said "I'm just not in the mood honey, i dont feel like doing anything at all today" I mean we've had sex once in 5 weeks so far and i told him "I just dont know what to think anymore" I've been on a downer since this afternoon.


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Just another thing: I am over weight, i have been the whole time we've been together and there was never a problem until a year ago. So surely he's still attracted to me because i was bigger when iwe got together 7 years ago. But still in my head im thinking "Is it me? Dont i turn him on anymore?!"


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Ok so as you know yesterday i tried to jump my partner, I went to bed and he was still up. I check his history today and while im dead to the world at 2am this morning he gets the urge to look at porn. And would've done his thing to it aswell! So i'm like WTF do i do?!!?!
So maybe when i tried to jump him less than 10 hrs before hand he isnt feeling 'in the mood' and a few hours later his is?! I'm not working at the moment so he could of woken me?! I'm at wits end!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

He's only a fiancé... Get rid of him for cryin' out loud.

The fact the you keep him on shows that you have low self esteme.


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Thanks Mark but the pro's out do the con's. You wouldn't know.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> He's only a fiancé... Get rid of him for cryin' out loud.
> 
> The fact the you keep him on shows that you have low self esteme.





Advice_Seeker said:


> Thanks Mark but the pro's out do the con's. You wouldn't know.


Jeez, Advice Seeker, please listen to Mark. Do you seriously think he's gonna change? No, he's not. Why would you want to put yourself through that for the rest of your life? Get rid of him now!


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

This hasn't been thought about lightly, i can assure you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Advice_Seeker said:


> This hasn't been thought about lightly, i can assure you.


What you need to realize is that there is a part of you that hates YOU. It wants you to have a rotten life, with a man that eats away at your self-esteme. And that is your biggest problem - you have very little self-worth.


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## LaCuriosa (Jan 13, 2010)

:iagree: with what MT says.

And just out of curiosity, if the pros outweigh the cons, why are you here seeking (and then ignoring) advice? If you're at your wit's end NOW, how do you think it's going to be after being married for a few years?

My personal opinion is that there are too many people out there who subscribe to the "absolute value" theory of relationships... It doesn't matter if they're in a positive relationship or a negative one, so long as it's a relationship. 

LC


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

LaCuriosa said:


> My personal opinion is that there are too many people out there who subscribe to the "absolute value" theory of relationships...  It doesn't matter if they're in a positive relationship or a negative one, so long as it's a relationship.


The problem is, bad relationships produce disturbed children. Is it fair to bring kids into the world in this way?


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

Not that is matters, but my opinion is that sex gets harder after marriage and if he already doesn;t want it the future could be bleak....or maybe that is just transference on my marriage... either way becareful


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## LaCuriosa (Jan 13, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> The problem is, bad relationships produce disturbed children. Is it fair to bring kids into the world in this way?


In my experience/observations, the ones so caught up in "I have to be in a relationship" don't think much beyond the person in the mirror. Is it fair? No. 

What is even more unfair are the children that result from the "If we have a baby, he'll change" train of thought. My sister has two of those. When the daughter didn't change him, she had another, somehow thinking a son would. Guess what? He didn't change then either. I try to find solace in the fact that by observing and being around others, the kids can see that there are other, healthier ways.

LC


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

I agree with everyone else - weird. Nothing wrong with porn as such but surely its in addition to? 

Hey, I like a bit of porn, dont get me wrong but if the wife said that every time I felt like a bit to give her a shout and she'd sort me out one way or the other then I'd happily burn my PC !!! and I'd be walking around with a big smile on my face.

Now, imagine that eh? Feel like a release and time day or night, click fingers, and get wife to sort you out on the spot. Excellent. LOL


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

And of course you're not even married yet!!! Imagine how bad this is going to get 20 years down the line.....


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

You being "bigger" should not be the issue. 

There are plenty of men that don't mind women "with a little extra meat on them" some men prefer. Again this is not the issue. 

There is a reason why people refer to the "honeymoon period" to describe the early stages of marriage. These should be the best times. If he is missbehaving now things will get progressively worse with the following steps:

1) Marriage
2) Buying a home together
3) Having children. 

The number one contributor to your happiness or misery in life is who you CHOOSE to marry. Unless you are neglecting to articulate your "tender moments with this man" it sound like this man is a total tool. excuse my Political incorectness but, you your fiance should be dumped....and quick. Get counceling for your esteem issues and move the F*#( on. You owe it to yourself. You deserve better and he deserves very little.


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

Hey everyone, Thanks for all your advice and comments on this thread. DH and I got married Oct 2010. Life's changed for us, well him! He is now a student part time and works 3 nights per week. I have hounded him about the P**n, he assures me he has cut back. I can't be sure of this and I don't want to check! We have sex on average once a month. 99% of the time I initiate it. I always think to myself that this is the last time I'll initiate sex, I'll let him do it. But I get too horny!


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

I just get tired of the 'talks' the arguments and the promises that I switch off to it now. So yea, a blind eye!


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

IMO he is seriously disrespecting you by continuing to watch porn and not taking care of your needs. I think I would be so resentful when the once a month came, I would not want to be intimate. "Glad ya fit me in between videos" kind of feeling. I didn't read all the old posts, but I hope he is meeting your other needs besides intimacy.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If you don't have children, I'd move on now. He's not going to change. What he is doing is awful ans disrespectful, and he hasn't changed at all. Either you need to give him a huge ultimatum, but you have to mean it and follow through, or you should leave and find your self a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone not so selfish. 

Also get some individual counseling and start taking great care of yourself, to help you get the confidence to finally move on. Do not waste another year of your life like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Advice_Seeker said:


> I have had a bit of a talk with him tonight. He was completely honest and said he thinks that he has a low libido/no sex drive. He wants to go back to the DR to get it looked into more thoroughly! I told him to give up the porn in the morning to see if that gives him more sexual tension, which therefore he should release with me. The blood tests he had for iron etc have come back normal.


I am going to chime in here. 

If he has a low libido/no sex drive, then why porn every day of the week? He does not have a low sex drive or low desire. Do people masturbate because they are bored and have nothing better to do? 

He is neglecting you and your needs while selfishly taking care of his own.. And calling sex with you work.

Porn is fine in moderation, but when your partner is using it as a substitute for REAL sex with a real person is when it becomes a much bigger problem. 

I agree with the others on DO not marry this man. You think you have problems now, wait until you marry him, It will not change. You will wonder what in the hell happend. Marriage will not change anything. Postpone the wedding if you have to, but don't marry him now


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Advice_Seeker said:


> He said he has done this every morning since we have been together and he couldnt believe i hadnt picked up on it sooner. He said he honestly doesnt think its the p**n. In a way i do believe him since he has been doing the whole time we've been together. The minimal sex has only been since he started his new job 1 year ago, which is his most 'mental' job ever. I do also believe that has something to do with it. He is leaving his job on Friday coming and we are going to be working together managing a restaurant. I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.


It always gets worse before it gets better


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Advice_Seeker said:


> Hey everyone, Thanks for all your advice and comments on this thread. DH and I got married Oct 2010. Life's changed for us, well him! He is now a student part time and works 3 nights per week. I have hounded him about the P**n, he assures me he has cut back. I can't be sure of this and I don't want to check! We have sex on average once a month. 99% of the time I initiate it. I always think to myself that this is the last time I'll initiate sex, I'll let him do it. But I get too horny!





Advice_Seeker said:


> I just get tired of the 'talks' the arguments and the promises that I switch off to it now. So yea, a blind eye!


hahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You are kidding, right?!?!?!

I have wondered if responding to people's posts was a waste of time.
Now I know.
It makes no difference whatsoever.

Except the ones telling the men to do a 180 and ignore their wife, like ignoring their wife is not what they've already been doing.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

He's idealized sex with porn instead of having the porn arouse him to have sex with you and use it for ideas, fantasies in your sex life, its become his sole release. YOu need to help him to rewire his brain. JUst like some folks can have a few drinks and some cant stop, its the same with porn. He just cant have a little and be fine...you need to get him to eliminate it from his life BEFORE you get married. And if he does and "falls off the wagon" after a few months or years dont freak out, just helphim get back on.


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