# wifes affair was selfish but giving up on a 18 yrs and 3 kids feels just as selfish



## timeturnspaintoscars (Nov 26, 2017)

New to site, actually new to asking for help in general.The story of our problems seems to be very similar to most couples dealing with infidelity. We were together from a young age of 17 me and 20 her with our first child by my 18th birthday and every 5 yrs another child until our youngest who is now 13. Our relationship was one all our friends would envy,although we had plenty of ups and downs ,we easily navigated without interference.Now one thing to mention is how completely opposite we were from our upbringing to our goals yet we seemed to be eachother perfect balance. Parenting was never really something we worked on we just always told our kids the truth and never made them feel scared to come to us for any reason. They are all 3 very intelligent and my pride/joy and reason for waking up each day.Oldest 22 in Med school after a full academic scholarship to a very good college with her 18 year old sis following suite. Our life began to change as they got older and more expensive. Ive always been a self employed home improvement contractor so our income over the years fluctuated with the economy.When money became an issue we would begin fighting like never before.She worked part time after going back for her RN and we were in danger of loosing our home. well we did loose it 5 years ago a but found a wonderful farm house and was able to rent from owner.With new house she also began a new full time job in occupational heathcare and for the first time would be on midnights in a factory full of men.Im sure you can guess what happens next and before this job was taken i expressed concern not from the factory of men but the sudden change to midnights.Basically i was getting up and getting son off to school to start my day while she would call being done and ready to relax and near end of my day id call her to get told cant talk shes running late getting ready for work. I could already sense something was off but didnt make a big deal about it as our past had no reason to suspect anything.Boy was i in for a rude awakening that finally came in the form of finding a cell phone one morning on floor of her car which i turned on thinking it was one of my sons friends that left it the day before. Needless to say it was her prepaid phone with only 1 contact and every single text they shared over the last 8 months including th planning of hotels and days she would trade shifts to free her entire evening up to be with him.I have so much more to get to here but must go for now long story short this has been 3 years of hell and ive completely detached from any friends or family i could have used for support as the shame felt unbearable. anyone going through this please do not be afraid of getting someone you can talk with. rest of the tale later


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nothing selfish in saying I was wronged and I won’t tolerate abuse. Kids are watching and learning what they should and shouldn’t tolerate in their own lives.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

timeturnspaintoscars said:


> I have so much more to get to here but must go for now long story short *this has been 3 years of hell and I've completely detached from any friends or family.*I could have used for support as the shame felt unbearable.


TTPS,

*3 years of hell *

We call it "Limbo Hell".

All of us that didn't file early on do it to some degree. The years down range from the wedding aisle and the kids in tow do make difficult to navigate a clear path. First... Lose the Shame. Marriage is 50/50 but infidelity is 100% on the cheater, PERIOD.

Time for a plan. 

BTW, one of the 1st things I did was get with my doc and schedule (get) a V-Sect.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Has she bothered to say "sorry"? Her state of mind should give you some indication of whether she's worthy of your continued commitment to her. She should be on-her-knees-begging sorry, not blaming you or giving you attitude. If she's not doing that, you should really consider moving on and finding a woman who will love and respect you. Life is too short for anything else. If you feel you MUST stay for the kids, then just stay for 5 more years until your youngest is 18. But be warned that this is an unhealthy situation. Kids know much more about their parents' relationship than they let on. You want to set an example of a GOOD marriage for your child to follow someday. Start planning your divorce now. 

PS: YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. SHE does. Let the older kids know exactly what happened.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is the affair still on?
Do you know who the man is/was?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get it straight —

It’s your wife that gave up on your marriage and family.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

No, it's not selfish. You got it wrong.

She destroyed your marriage. Leaving her won't destroy it. It is already destroyed.
You need to understand that. It will never be the same.

And judging by the brief, but graphic depiction you give of her cheating, it was unbelievably callous, calculated,
Devious, and probably beyond repair.


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## timeturnspaintoscars (Nov 26, 2017)

she claimed to have stopped but got caught again 8 months later and blamed me not getting over it. it was that discovery that i in the heat of the moment packed my things and as i backed down drive my middle daughter 16 at time and son 11 came running down drive screaming nooo Daddy please dont leave please. needless to say i pulled back up and dont think i could ever make it through that type of thing again. over a year later now and i still havent unpacked any boxes and live out of a suitcase in my own home.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are now officially Plan B. The betrayed husband whose only function is financial support and child care while your wife enjoys her party outside the marriage.

Your kids seem old enough to understand the reason you need to get out. Explain it to them. Explain that honesty is critical in any marriage and that you have been betray and can no longer trust you wife.

Get a lawyer now.


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## timeturnspaintoscars (Nov 26, 2017)

yes i know who he is. you become quite the detective going through this hes a divorced loser living in a 1 br apartment that sees his own kids 1 weekend a month. as far as i know her last contact with him was last december which was on her bd and we basically lived as roomates at the time so she justified meeting him out for her bd cause she shouldnt have to spend it alone. shes been insisting that was last time and has since got new job but at this point its just a new place with a new pool of guys to pick from in my eyes. life never skips a beat while you navigate through this and at times it even seams like everything is actually working against you when all you want to do is the right thing for your kids


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

*So what is your question?
*


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## timeturnspaintoscars (Nov 26, 2017)

also i need to thank you all as i sit here balling my eyes out as if it was day 1.Simply hearing other points of view has had a profound eye opening effect on me that i dont think i was prepared for


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She needs to move. Not you. Unpack your stuff. Pack her stuff, hand her divorce papers and tell her to go move in with her lover boy. 

Your kids will get over a divorce. She is a cheater and she is nowhere near remorse or regret. What they will not get over is watching their Father get lied to and emotionally bullied by a wayward Mother. That will set the pattern the rest of their lives on how to view normal relationships. You want your children to think how you live is normal? Do nothing. Want them to see you as a loving Father who has their best interests at heart. Show her the door. 

You don't have to put up with this crap. Do something abut it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

you'll live like this just as long as you let yourself.

The affair is all on her.

You doing nothing is on you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

timeturnspaintoscars said:


> yes i know who he is. you become quite the detective going through this hes a divorced loser living in a 1 br apartment that sees his own kids 1 weekend a month. as far as i know her last contact with him was last december which was on her bd and* we basically lived as roomates at the time *so she justified meeting him out for her bd cause she shouldnt have to spend it alone. shes been insisting that was last time and has since got new job but at this point its just a new place with a new pool of guys to pick from in my eyes. life never skips a beat while you navigate through this and at times it even seams like everything is actually working against you when all you want to do is the right thing for your kids


TTPS,

You have become what MC call the Hired Hand H. You complete all the family task as required but are forced to live in the "out-building". 

Look, I'm all about a 2nd-chance. I R with my WW, and it was a nasty betrayal, but real consequences were put in place. No 3rd chances ever. Your cheating W forfeited hers, what is she on her 4th... 5th chance now. 

Make your plan and act, now. Life's short and this Limbo crap will destroy you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

In other words, she’s _still_ lying and cheating, all while placing all the blame squarely on your shoulders.

Classy.

Also pretty typical for a cheater.

Yes, divorce is a selfish thing.

But that’s not a BAD thing.

There’s selfish and then there’s egregiously, unforgivably selfish; in your case, divorce is the former, and your wife’s affair(s) is/are the latter. Seriously, there’s no way to compare them.

If you want to stay for your kids that’s fine, but do it ONLY after making it clear to your wife that your marriage — from a romantic perspective — is over. From here on out, it’s a purely financial arrangement that will end once your youngest child is of age, and BOTH of you are now free to see and date others (no bringing anyone home, though).

Obviously you’ll have to step up your game in terms of teaching your kids right from wrong, because Mom can’t be trusted to do that anymore.

Kick her out of the master bedroom and into the guest room.

Throw out — no, BURN! — the marital bed and buy yourself a comfortable full or twin-sized bed. Something with room enough for just you. When the neighbors come over to ask why you’re burning the bed, tell them very matter-of-factly that, since your wife has been cheating on you for years, you see no need to NOT destroy something that symbolizes such an obviously broken relationship.

Snap out of it, stop crying, and change your mindset. Get out of the victim chair and take charge of your life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

timeturnspaintoscars said:


> also i need to thank you all as i sit here balling my eyes out as if it was day 1.Simply hearing other points of view has had a profound eye opening effect on me that i dont think i was prepared for


Now that you see what do you plan to do? Clearly she blames you for the affair. Cheaters always do. Having to see him on her bd for one 'last' round of sex. Right. Because you are a terrible husband who is having difficulty forgiving his unremorseful, un-regretful unrepentant wife who lied and cheated on you for at least 8 months that you know of. 

If you want to try and work it out she needs to have full transparency Unlocked phone with software that shows where she is at all times. Put that software on all family phones. That is a start. 

What proof so you have she has not taken the affair deep underground?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The madness stops when you say it stops.

Imagine your kids seeing the dynamics of your relationship as "normal"...

Do you really think that is less damaging than having divorced parents?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

timeturnspaintoscars said:


> yes i know who he is. you become quite the detective going through this hes a divorced loser living in a 1 br apartment that sees his own kids 1 weekend a month. as far as i know her last contact with him was last december which was on her bd and we basically lived as roomates at the time so *she justified meeting him out for her bd cause she shouldnt have to spend it alone.* shes been insisting that was last time and has since got new job but at this point its just a new place with a new pool of guys to pick from in my eyes. life never skips a beat while you navigate through this and at times it even seams like everything is actually working against you when all you want to do is the right thing for your kids


That is over the top selfish and unfeeling. She should not have to spend her BD alone so that justifies betraying her husband and her family? BS.
But she still has no empathy or sorrow for you and how her affair affected you. It is still all about her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You CAN be divorced and still be a FANTASTIC dad to your kids.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Every once and a while I have to say this on these boards. I have been reading this stuff for over a year now and it never fails. Passive unassertive men get cheated on. Passive unassertive men get abused. Your wife is the school yard bully and you are the weak kid that gets his lunch money taken day after day. The only person that can change it is you. 

Your marriage is over it was over the day she decided to have an affair. You didn't do that she did. You are just financially supporting her so she can abuse you over and over. 

You would do best to figure out why you were willing to do that. Are you codependent? 

Also tell you kids. They need to see that abuse is not something you tolerate. The last thing you want to do is model this behavior. I know about my fathers affair. I still love him and we have a good relationship. He is a cheater though and I have strong feelings about that side of him. All his kids do. That is the consequences of his actions. 

Imagine 10 years from now your kid is in a relationship with a spouse who continually cheats on them, or worse they continually cheats on their spouse. That may happen, it's your job to teach them that this is wrong. Your wife won't. Right now both you and your wife are showing them that there are no consistences for that behavior. This is what marriage looks like to them. At best they may decide to never get married because your example. That would be better then a cycle of abuse. 

Finally just because your wife did this to you doesn't mean someone else won't treat you well.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am sorry you are here. I want to impress upon you that the shame is not yours to bear. It is your cheating wife's. The moment she strayed from the marriage is the moment she gave up on 18 years of marriage and three kids. You must understand that first and foremost. 

Kick her out of the martial bedroom. Today. She lost all rights to that bed.

Have you been tested for STDs? 

Do you want to try to reconcile?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I am very sorry for your pain, but I cannot stress how important it is for you to man up and set firm boundaries TODAY. You've given her a free pass to commit adultery and treat you with the most blatant disregard. How does a person allow this and maintain self-respect? 

It is time to reclaim your life and your respect. Making your wife leave will not hurt your kids nearly as bad as living in a sham of a marriage where everyday you hurt and suffer. What's the message there for the kids.

You need to tell your children exactly what has happened. If you hide the truth you are protecting wayward behavior and the kids will grow up morally confused. That is NOT okay. 

True live establishes proper boundaries. You have been a great father, but you now must do the right thing by your children and ask your wife to leave.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I've said it before and I'll say it again ...... It is far far better for children to come from a broken home than to have to live in that broken home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@timeturnspaintoscars

Why would you be giving up on your 3 kids? Please explain.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

timeturnspaintoscars:

1. Lawyer up and serve the traitor. This can be called off at anytime during the process. IT deserves a good punch in the nose (figuratively, not literally (;~}).
2. The traitor should be moved to the OM's home with "Best wishes", "Have a good life.", and "Its simpler for you to celebrate the holidays with OM this way, after all, you shouldn't be alone on special days like that."
3. Maybe give it a thoughtful gift card for a membership for various dating sites. Send it in a card for "A kick-start in Your New Life!!"
4. You could also send a gift wrapped box of condoms.
5. Get your own Christmas cards printed up with a picture of just you and the kids, send them out and when asked, explain the new dynamics in your family.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Here's a rough analogy to what you're going through.

Picture a movie where a guy gets shot by the bad guy and he's bleeding out in the street. He's going to die, everybody knows he's going to die but he's saying "I don't want to die!". It's not his choice- he's already dead for all practical purposes the only thing that's left is acceptance- which may not come before his final heartbeat.

Your marriage is dead, it's up to you whether or not you realize it now, or in a week, or a month, or you struggle with this for years. She's already pulled the plug, the marriage means as much to her as that mosquito on the wall that will soon be swatted and not be given a second thought. You going to be a mosquito, or are you going to be the guy holding the fly swatter?

You talk about being ashamed because of the affair. It's not shameful to be cheated on. It's shameful to tolerate it. 

Live your life. It no longer includes her. Whether you like it or not.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Bonkers said:


> You talk about being ashamed because of the affair. It's not shameful to be cheated on. It's shameful to tolerate it.
> 
> Live your life. It no longer includes her. Whether you like it or not.


^^^^^^^
This.

Hear it. Understand it. It's your life. Damn...


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Bonkers said:


> You talk about being ashamed because of the affair. It's not shameful to be cheated on. It's shameful to tolerate it.
> 
> Live your life. It no longer includes her. Whether you like it or not.


Is not that simple for the BS, but it is normal and I too felt a lot of shame.... Prior to A we as a married couple presented a great marriage and when my W cheated that image fell apart, the no more one unit... And I chose her and her failure reflected upon me, which brought a lot of shame an embarrassment.... It goes away but takes a few months to work thru that.... 
OP just know is normal and just part of losing what once was. Is a hard road no matter what you do, and wish u the best. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is not that simple for the BS, but it is normal and I too felt a lot of shame.... Prior to A we as a married couple presented a great marriage and when my W cheated that image fell apart, the no more one unit... And I chose her and her failure reflected upon me, which brought a lot of shame an embarrassment.... It goes away but takes a few months to work thru that....
> OP just know is normal and just part of losing what once was. Is a hard road no matter what you do, and wish u the best.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


It's normal but remember it's a lie.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Get it straight —
> 
> It’s your wife that gave up on your marriage and family.


Just came in to write this. This post of Gus' should be stickied to your thread at the top so you can see it whenever you open TAM.

Along with this:



> every single text they shared over the last 8 months *including the planning of hotels and days she would trade shifts to free her entire evening up to be with him.*


Read this over. And over. And over.

When you feel you've read enough, read some more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@timeturnspaintoscars Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

OK, we know where you are at as most of us here have been there, in one way or another.

Some questions for you:-

What do *you* want for your future?

Have you tried relationship and individual counselling?

Have you thought about a polygraph interview for your wife?

Is she still cheating?

And a question for your wife. _*Why did she find it acceptable to cheat on her children as well as her husband?*_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is it with nurses and teachers?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Chaparral said:


> What is it with nurses and teachers?


That's not really fair. There are cheaters from all walks of life-just as there are noncheaters.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> That's not really fair. There are cheaters from all walks of life-just as there are noncheaters.


True, but some professions it is more prevalent than others.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

There are plenty of men who decide to look the other way rather than do what it takes to get a divorce. Half of the kids out there are from divorced parents so don't look at that as an excuse to avoid doing what needs to be done. Kids learn how to be a spouse from their parents and staying together for the sake of the kids can do more harm than good. It did not help my wife, my niece or my nephew. They all bear the scars of living with parents in a loveless marriage. You are not dealing with a one night stand here. You have a wife who you can never trust again no matter what story she gives you. I made a choice once to break it off and sure enough she went and cheated on every man she was with and is now married to a woman. People do not change who they are and you do not need her to smack you in the face and stick your nose into what she thinks of you and your marriage. Your kids can have a happy life with divorced parents just like half the kids out there. Most times the guy does not want to have to find a place to live, learn to cook, find another woman to provide regular sex, do his laundry, etc. and so they try to save an already failed marriage. It is not always about the kids even though that is the number one reason given. 

In my younger days I dated married women with husbands who did not ask questions. They are what is called cuckolds. Some do it voluntarily to feel like they are in control by allowing their wives to have sex with others rather than constantly worrying about it and feeling weak. Others do it because they enjoy it. Can you live with knots in your stomach every time your wife is not with you? How do you trust someone who proved that they are not trustworthy? How do you believe someone who has proven that they can so easily lie? How do you live with someone who loves another but used you for a security net in case things do not work out with another lover?

My wife and I shared a girlfriend for 30 years. She is married and has a son. Her husband is a cuckold as he is aware of us and even socialized with us a few times each year. Their son is dysfunctional and lives with them in his 30's. He lacks social and business skills so they support him to this day. What happened was that instead of loving each other, his parents turned all their love to their son and overcompensated by giving him everything without requiring him to work for any of it. If he gets a small job and his boss criticizes his work, he quits. He knows that he does not have to work. They did not do him any favors by staying married for the sake of a son.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Chaparral said:


> What is it with nurses and teachers?





michzz said:


> That's not really fair. There are cheaters from all walks of life-just as there are noncheaters.





Yeswecan said:


> True, but some professions it is more prevalent than others.


Not to just argue, but how do you know this?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

michzz said:


> Not to just argue, but how do you know this?


Google

It’s a good idea to google infidelity statistics. I think nurses lead th pack and teachers are second. Or actually I think medical personnel lead the pack.

The more people that a person comes into contact with the more likely they are to cheat although sta at home moms and dads are high on the list. >


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> Not to just argue, but how do you know this?


Google. 

Also, men and women working in very close proximity...same stress and life/death decisions. Police, doctors and nurses. Do the math.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, sorry to be harsh, but if you were my father I would be ashamed of you as a man, and would had lost all respect for you. You have been hiding on a false sense of cowardly pride by burying your wife's infidelity and not exposing to all who matters. Instead you've chosen to live in your own home out of pack boxes and still crying like a girl instead of being a man, and still letting your wife getting away with her infidelity and not standing up to her. Man up it's about time.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Google
> 
> It’s a good idea to google infidelity statistics. I think nurses lead th pack and teachers are second. Or actually I think medical personnel lead the pack.
> 
> The more people that a person comes into contact with the more likely they are to cheat although sta at home moms and dads are high on the list. >


I believe it tends to be higher for law enforcement and fire fighters as well from what I've read.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jasel said:


> I believe it tends to be higher for law enforcement and fire fighters as well from what I've read.


And professional musicians/athletes (the combination of much time away from home and groupies really ramps up opportunity).

... and, interestingly enough, astronauts.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, so these stats are generated from surveys and extrapolated to the whole population. And then what?

Does it ease accountability for those that cheat if they are in the higher-statistical risk group?

Or does it shift blame to people who have them in their lives?

Or does it mean that noncheaters should avoid romantic partners from the risk groups?

i don't know, i just think that the vetting of loyalty by stats is risky.

Looking at an individual and seeing their way of being is hard, yes, but maybe fruitful?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

timeturnspaintoscars said:


> wifes affair was selfish but giving up on a 18 yrs and 3 kids feels just as selfish


You'd prefer the other option then, doormat? 

What you call selfish, I call self respect. Get some.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You are doing yourself and your kids no favours by living out of a suitcase and boxes. All you are showing them is that you are being indecisive in this. Your wife appears to not respect you and turns to the OM whenever she needs solace. So what are you doing?

Divorce and save yourself, give her whatever consequences you feel are just and go. You cannot keep living like you are.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> True, but some professions it is more prevalent than others.


Cops too. I have known 5 cops over the years. 4 were bona fide cheaters. 
My xW was a teacher , there were a lot of shenanigans going on at the WLA private school as well. She was a shenaniganner.

I think cops, teachers, and nurses meet and have interact with a lot more people than an average corporate or small business person? Maybe that offers more chances? 

I don't really know - probably happens a lot more than I'd expect.:surprise:


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Time hasn't posted in a while. Maybe he likes being a doormat, but I hope not. Or maybe he just can't figure out how not to be a victim.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to enforce some real consequences hard and fast. Your failure to do so the first time you caught this foul behaviour has led to where you are today.

In life everybody has to make choices. Some choices have good consequences some bad. However no body gets a pass on choice. You are no different.


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