# She Left Me For Cheating, But I Didn't Cheat



## that1guy (May 2, 2012)

Hi, my first time here. I stumbled upon here seeking ways to cope with the loss of my soon-to-be step daughter. From what I read, I just need to be able to cope with it and wish the best for her. However, now I have another issue.

If I ramble, please excuse me. I'm in a messed up state right now. My fiancee and I were set to be married this June and everything was going great. From the moment I met her, she wowed me. My nickname for her was Miss Amazing. Until our fight about my "cheating" we were each others' best friend.

What happened? I brought another women into our house. I know, it was stupid. This other woman was someone a work friend. We were on our way to a training when I realized I left my wallet at home. She needed to use the restroom so I let her inside. I never thought of it as another woman in the house, but a co-worker using the bathroom because...well it was there. She left her rings on the bathroom counter after washing her hands unbeknownst to me.

A few hours later I get a text from my fiancee asking if I had girls over. Not wanting to create an issue to fight about, I wrongly lied and told her no. I don't know why I didn't tell the truth. Because right afterwards, she asked about the rings.

So she's moved out, taken her child with her and thinks I'm a cheater. I've never cheated on any woman in my life. I'm dying inside realizing her distrust from me stemmed from my lie. She says she still loves me and is willing to see me once a week..."to take things slow." It's been two weeks now and we've seen each other once and now her responses to my calls and texts are occasional at best. 

So is this a lost cause? What can I do to repair the trust? Is there anything I can do? I know I'm an idiot for lying, so please refrain from calling me such since I already beat myself up nearly every hour for that mistake. Thanks for reading.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Offer her a polygraph test.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hard to say. Often it is not the first bad choice we make that gets us really messed up. It is the efforts we make to either correct it or cover it up.

The thing is that the lying was the serious deal here. That lie as you know is what made this so bad. Lying to cover this up means she cannot trust you.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If you really did nothing wrong and you love her, fight for her man!

Embarrass yourself a little, go over to her house and apologize for the lie. Don't force your way in, if she truly won't hear from you then find another way like email/call... something.

If she'll give you a moment though, show her how much it hurts you that you gave her any reason to doubt you. Let her know how much she means to you! Explain exactly what happened.

Show some passion and some love.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Your ex fiancé obviously has second thoughts about marrying you.
If she refuses to believe your version of events now, how do you expect her to be should you marry?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

She left you for lying, not for cheating.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I suppose it's not the brightest idea to let a female co worker into your home and to use the toilet, but it was just an honest action.

It is interesting, I used to be in the woods about these things. For example, in my first job after grad school in the 'burbs, I had 2 male coworkers, both married. When the office went out for lunch, we could all ride in the same car, but they would not be caught dead in a car with only me. and this is lunch time. I may have thought it was strange, perhaps I was still in the university mode (ie, we're all equal) but I never pushed that boundary, instead doing whatever I detected was acceptable.

Still, though, OP, you should have come clean. this is an example when the lie becomes the centerpiece of the problem.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Offer her a polygraph test.


Polygraph tests don't work. Spies and serial kills have repeatedly beat them.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> Polygraph tests don't work. Spies and serial kills have repeatedly beat them.


And 10-40% of the people that take them.

I'm thinking you tried this already, but here's where I'd start.

Let her know that you are a complete A$$hat for lying. That you are a total freaking moron and should never have done that.

Then go completely overboard with attempts to prove your innocence. Tell her you will take a polygraph, ask her to speak to the woman, verify and prove everything that you did that day with receipts, etc. Tell her you will sit with her and the woman and explain in detail exactly what happened.

Then the finale. Tell her that you realize that you really messed up by lying, and that you understand completely why she is upset, and that you would be too in her shoes. She is protecting her heart and and being smart about how she acted (making sure that she is not marrying a sleaze ball). Tell her that is one of the reasons you love her, and that you feel horrible for making her feel that she has to distrust you. Then tell her that you will be a 100% open book for the rest of your relationship, whatever it takes to make sure that she can trust you. You are a trustworthy person so you have nothing to hide.

And then follow through with whatever she wants.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Is there a mutual friend who would be willing to facilitate a reconciliation? The serious offense is that you lied over a little thing. Still I believe she overreacted. I'm guessing that your fiancée had been through something similar (but worse) prior to your relationship. She seems "gun shy".

I honestly think nothing of the actual situation which led up to this blow up. I can think of numerous occasions where I ended up at married men's houses when their wives were not at home. Luckily their wives didn't feel threatened.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*WAIT A MINUTE!* 

What is REALLY going on in your relationship? You forgot your wallet, went in the house to get it, let a co-worker use your bathroom before you hit the road (not the sheets). *There is NOTHING WRONG with any of this behavior.* 

WHY did you feel the need to lie to your fiancee?

* Has she been cheated on in previous relationships and is now suspicious that ALL men are cheaters (including you)?

* Is she an unusually jealous person?

There is SOMETHING about HER behavior that caused you to believe that lying to her would be easier/better than just telling the simple innocent facts. What is it about HER that made you believe she would flip out over having a woman in your home?

I am NOT condoning the LYING, but SOMETHING precipitated your decision to lie to her. There is SOME REASON that YOU EXPECTED a blow-up from her over another woman being in your home (even for a perfectly benign reason).

I believe whatever the TRUTH is about HER anticipated reaction is the REAL ROOT of the problem you two now have. Please let us know as we may want to revise our opinions/advice.


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