# 180 Breakdown



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I've been doing the 180 and rather well, up until today. Then came the call with H and I fell apart, still falling apart. So, since I am better at putting feelings into printed words I composed this email. Please any comments before I press "SEND".

Don't know when or if you'll even get this. But I have to write it regardless. I'm going against my better judgment by
doing this but this seems to be the only way I can communicate without all the tears and emotion. It seems that
I can better express things this way.

First of all let me say that I am truly sorry for my part in things getting like they are. I never meant for things to go this way.
I have always valued you and everything you do. I've always been proud of you, your work ethic, your ideas and plans. I was so
excited and happy to be a partner and part of those plans. I admit and accept responsibility for the things I failed in. I am trying so hard to make myself
better. It absolutely tears me up to hear you say that you have decided to continue without me. I know that you have tried to motivate and get me back on track.
I guess that there was something more I was looking for from you, I don't know. The heartbreak that I feel right now is almost too much for me at the moment. I am
having the worst time handling this in the best way for me. I guess that losing your love is equivalent to the way I felt when I lost my Dad. Death, whether physical
or emotional, is so damn hard. I can't let go and I'm sorry that you won't see the difficulty I'm having right now. I see myself as the biggest failure ever. Failed at being married, failing at being a mother, failure in business, so many failures. Devastated would be the best word to describe what I feel right now. Even destroyed.

The last few years have been very difficult for me. For a long time I felt that there was something wrong with me physically, the weight, the mood swings, you name it. I know part of it was menopause. Then the tumor. Hearing the dr say that the surgery could have killed me, that scared me so bad but I got through it. Why? Because my family, my husband and my kids gave me the strength to face it. The love I thought I had from you, that I knew I had from the kids. It wasn't time for me to go yet. Why do you feel it's time for you to go now. There were things you knew about me from the very beginning and things that I knew about you. I accepted all those things. I don't believe I ever tried to change you. I suppose I had idealized some expectations about being married, about things that we would do for each other and how we would treat each other. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of some of those things. But I never lost sight of the fact that I loved you, loved being married to you, that I would always support you.

The willingness and resolve that I see from you in ending this marriage is the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. Feeling that I and the years we had together are now so disposable to you, WTF?!

At the moment, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to see you when you are here later this month. Just hearing your voice hurts. I can't imagine what it'd be like to see you. I do miss you. I do worry about you. I do care. no matter what you have thought.

Maybe in time, I will be able to at least be able to sustain friendship with you. Right now that is hard to think about because I have such feelings that you betrayed me. Yes, I am angry! If you were in my place how would you feel? I do not regret that I have always put such a high value and respect on being married. It is too easy these days for people to just walk away when things aren't always the way they think they should be. I would have never taken you to be such a quitter. But that is exactly what you're doing now, QUITTING! When there is no chance of you and I trying to work this out and save this marriage that is quitting. You always said that failure was not an option, well, quitting shouldn't be either.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

for the love of all things holy DO NOT SEND THAT.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

DO NOT SEND IT!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

If you must send something, send ONLY THIS PART:

don't think it would be a good idea for me to see you when you are here later this month


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Thanks for talking me back in from the ledge! Seriously! Though I could use some critique on it. Too much begging, pleading?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

too much of EVERYTHING! I'm sure it helped a great deal just getting that out of your system. I do that all the time except I have a private online blog. Just knowing the words are out there somewhere helps me a lot.

Keep in mind this:
-he knows you are hurting
-he knows you don't want the divorce
-he has a pretty good idea how you feel

With that said, is there _really_ a reason to send that?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

staircase said:


> too much of EVERYTHING! I'm sure it helped a great deal just getting that out of your system. I do that all the time except I have a private online blog. Just knowing the words are out there somewhere helps me a lot.
> 
> Keep in mind this:
> -he knows you are hurting
> ...


No, there really isn't a reason to send it to him. Though writing it did make me feel better. That was the 2nd version. The first wasn't suitable for anyone to read, extremely angry, blue language, lots of name calling. This was the calmed down version. Again, thanks all. No one close to the situation could be as objective.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

It's so hard, trust me I know. Boy, do I know. I have sent more than one email or text then the next day be like "WHY DID I DO THAT??"


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee, it is good for you that you wrote that! You should keep a journal. I agree with the others on here though, don't send it; it does start to sound too needy, than it gets a little accusatory. I know that you feel the what you wrote in the letter but it won't do much to change him. Jusy say you won't be ready to see him later this month. I believe you said in previous posts that you have a wedding coming up in October, that should give you a little more time to meet with him in a couple of months or so when/if you feel better about meeting him. I think it would be awkward and unfair to your soon to be married child to just see him at your son's or daughter's wedding for the first time since your sep; I personally know what that would be like because I have my son's wedding in November; so I can empathize with you. Please accrpt my apologies if I got you mixed up with someone else.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> cherokee, it is good for you that you wrote that! You should keep a journal. I agree with the others on here though, don't send it; it does start to sound too needy, than it gets a little accusatory. I know that you feel the what you wrote in the letter but it won't do much to change him. Jusy say you won't be ready to see him later this month. I believe you said in previous posts that you have a wedding coming up in October, that should give you a little more time to meet with him in a couple of months or so when/if you feel better about meeting him. I think it would be awkward and unfair to your soon to be married child to just see him at your son's or daughter's wedding for the first time since your sep; I personally know what that would be like because I have my son's wedding in November; so I can empathize with you. Please accrpt my apologies if I got you mixed up with someone else.


He hasn't asked if he'll see me, I don't want to see him then. The possible time before my son's wedding doesn't exist. H drives all over the country, not ever in FL now.


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## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

I've found the act of writing things down is very theraputic and I too have set up an online blog.

I've found that by writing it down it helps get it out of my system and you can be honest with what you want to say because it won't be read by anyone, but the words are out there!

Good luck in getting through this hard bit, I'm going through similar downs but drag myself back up again with the knowledge that I will NOT let it get me down!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

sidenote: Sunflower Faerie you have the best username ever.


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## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

@ Staircase - Thankyou!!! Its a webname I used to use many years ago, just brought it back for this site! May need to expand it now!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee96red said:


> He hasn't asked if he'll see me, I don't want to see him then. The possible time before my son's wedding doesn't exist. H drives all over the country, not ever in FL now.


Oh, I think I posted when/IF you want to see him; I didn't mean to suggest that you must see him before the wedding. I just though it would thaw things out a little before the big day. I know that in my case, I am talking to my stbxw so our son's wedding won't be awkward to him. We want to make his special day a good one to remember and I would feel like it would be too strange to not see my ex for so long and then have to confront her at the wedding. I wouldn't think this would go over well with my son and his fiance's family. Just my thought on it.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Yeah, probably shouldn't send it, though I could have written it, for sure. But I wouldn't send it if I did....

I have sent less-than-stellar e-mails to the ex, and I'm not sorry I did. It made me feel better to call him immature, a creep, etc. I didn't get too carried away with nasty language, but I'm not sorry I sent them. I'm done sending them now, however.


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

Just post them here, do not send this to him. You won't get the response you want from him.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

JupitersLament said:


> Just post them here, do not send this to him. You won't get the response you want from him.


*sigh* so true.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Oh, I think I posted when/IF you want to see him; I didn't mean to suggest that you must see him before the wedding. I just though it would thaw things out a little before the big day. I know that in my case, I am talking to my stbxw so our son's wedding won't be awkward to him. We want to make his special day a good one to remember and I would feel like it would be too strange to not see my ex for so long and then have to confront her at the wedding. I wouldn't think this would go over well with my son and his fiance's family. Just my thought on it.


I agree, I want my son and fiancee's wedding to be special for them. H and I are talking on the phone, trying to resolve an issue that has been brewing with our DD and came to a head today. His job precludes him getting down here often, it's too hard.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

That has to be really tough on you; it's like your battling a long distance divorce. How on earth are you manageing all the financial, home, etc. stuff that, at least for me, has to happen before the paper signing. I can't imagine. As for the wedding, we are actually talking but my sister and parents do not want to talk to her. I really hope that get over it before the wedding so no one causes a scene on that day. Geez! ray:


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> That has to be really tough on you; it's like your battling a long distance divorce. How on earth are you manageing all the financial, home, etc. stuff that, at least for me, has to happen before the paper signing. I can't imagine. As for the wedding, we are actually talking but my sister and parents do not want to talk to her. I really hope that get over it before the wedding so no one causes a scene on that day. Geez! ray:


Handling the home? Funny you should ask that. We were renting a house and he gave the landlord the 30 day notice that we were moving out and neglected to tell me! I have no "home" at the moment. My son's fiancee's mom has taken me and DD under her roof. I've been self employed for the last 11 years, H and I had our own trucking biz. That has failed, among other things. I am working on employment right now but it's damn hard when you are 50, female, and somewhat disabled because you had a brain tumor removed. Neither of us can afford a divorce. My mom and brother and his wife refuse to sit with or near my H. I have promised that I will be gracious as possible but excuse me when I have to go puke at some point. I love my in laws and they have continuously reassured me that I will always be family.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ugh! cherokee that has to be extremely difficult. Life can be so cruel. I am sorry you are going through all of that at once. Prayer can be comforting and allow for some peace in your life right now. Hang in there and keep your chin up; there is only one way for you to go and that is up. You will get there. As for the wedding, yes, I will also probably have to take a puke time out too. It's so unfair for our son's that are to be married. He actually took the news about us the hardest of my three kids. He has a huge heart but he was so angry at her when she told them; and he is always so laid back, it was the first time I have ever seen him really pissed. His fiance was furious, crying, etc. at first but they both seem to be better now. Poor kids, they don't deserve this; he is my middle child, always getting the short end of the stick. I don't why our SO's could not wait until their weddings.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Ugh! cherokee that has to be extremely difficult. Life can be so cruel. I am sorry you are going through all of that at once. Prayer can be comforting and allow for some peace in your life right now. Hang in there and keep your chin up; there is only one way for you to go and that is up. You will get there. As for the wedding, yes, I will also probably have to take a puke time out too. It's so unfair for our son's that are to be married. He actually took the news about us the hardest of my three kids. He has a huge heart but he was so angry at her when she told them; and he is always so laid back, it was the first time I have ever seen him really pissed. His fiance was furious, crying, etc. at first but they both seem to be better now. Poor kids, they don't deserve this; he is my middle child, always getting the short end of the stick. I don't why our SO's could not wait until their weddings.


Well, I have come to the realization that my H is a narcissist. He has yet to own the consequences of his actions. It's still the "poor me" refrain that he sings and quite loudly I might add. None of this, my misery, his son's and daughter's, his mom's, no ones compares to what HE is feeling. PUH! If he thought my anger was bad, wait until his kids unleash their wrath on him. My son is easy going and forgiving but it appears he has found one thing he can not forgive. Being they are grown, they are entitled to express their feelings without any input, provocation or hindrance from me. They hurt too, not just me. H has effectively turned his back on us all. Taking care of financial obligations to anyone other than his family seems to be his only priority, it's him that matters and only him. (I am venting due to yesterdays events and I am really pissed right now.)

Narcissism is the explanation I see for him doing this before our son's wedding.


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