# It doesn’t feel right- Craigslist, ex searches, 1 night stand



## Laurenj (Feb 13, 2018)

I need help- I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years and he is kind, loving and an amazing father. One year ago he had a one night stand, I was transferring money between bank accounts and saw that he had gone for STD testing. He wouldn’t have told me if he got away with it. (He also had sex with me while waiting for his results.) I forgave him because I believed it was truly an accident made after too many drinks. I’m very bothered that he was trying to hide it from me.. 

There have been several instances throughout our marriage and engagement where he’s searched for ex girlfriends and flings on Facebook, Instagram. I never really made a big deal out of it until 2-3 months ago when I found he had created a fake Facebook account to look up photos of his ex girlfriend. In the same browser history there was porn (don’t care about that) and he had been looking at Craigslist sex ads. He basically says it turns him on occasionally to look at pictures of his ex and craigslist. I told him I wasn’t okay with this and it couldn’t continue in the future. He watches porn 2-4 times per day, which seems excessive but I haven’t ever minded. 

2 weeks ago, I had a feeling to look in his phone and once again found he had gone to craigslist-personals-w4m. He claims it was an accident “out of habit” which in itself is a huge problem..

There are other problems- he discussed our sex life with one of his female coworkers which seems very odd

I confronted him about all this and he just denied everything and tried to downplay his actions. He made me feel like I was crazy about the whole thing. . 

He keeps repeating “I’m sorry you don’t trust me” but doesn’t seem sorry for his actions..

About a month ago he kneels down next to me and says he had a dream that I was leaving him and was very unemotional (I can’t remember the exact word he used to describe me)!but that he was crying and begging me to stay, he couldn’t live without me, etc. -this seems like a dream that stemmed from a guilty conscious... he’s also told me dreams where I’m having sex with other men -seems like jealously or distrust in me. 

Any thoughts?? I feel like I’ve either forgiven or didn’t recognize red flags in the past but this recent craigslist search has me questioning everything. I read this quote- “I don’t trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.” This seems like pattern behavior. 

Lauren


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The one ONS that you know about? Guarantee that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

He’s a serial cheat, and he’s never going to stop cheating.

Never ever.

Do the smart thing and dump the chump.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure what your situation is, but my question is why are we even wondering? Get out while you can.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Dudes don't go to those sites just to see what's on the menu. They go to there to have a taste.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like he's all that sorry for cheating on you. Why aren't you doing more to show him how much it hurts you.

Or does it?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Do you go looking for pictures of your ex boyfriends and search sex want ads? Didn't think so.

Your gut has a feeling because it knows something is wrong. There are just too many red flags in what little you have written. I know that you want to believe that you have the perfect marriage to a wonderful man, but it isn't and he isn't. 

Take some time to read through posts in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum, especially ones where one spouse forgives the other and then comes back here months or even years later after and their spouse had another affair. I get that you don't want to see that this could happen to you, but it is, and will continue. You can't change your husband, but you can change yourself and how you deal with him. Stop giving him a pass on his crappy behavior, bull**** stories, and "dreams". He clearly has a guilty conscience and is trying to get into your head and shift the blame on you.

I feel bad for you that you are in this situation, but I hope that you will see that your husband really isn't the great guy you think he is. The dude has issues and a serious crush on his former girlfriend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*They always say that "Where there's smoke, there's fire" ~ and it seems that you are blessed with a literal forest of it!

You should get out of this mess long before it's too late!*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Laurenj said:


> I need help- I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years and he is kind, loving and an amazing father.Nonsense. He's a porn perusing, serial cheater One year ago he had a one night stand, I was transferring money between bank accounts and saw that he had gone for STD testing. He wouldn’t have told me if he got away with it. (He also had sex with me while waiting for his resultsHe has no regard for your health,
> is a serial cheater, and there's more women you don't know about.) I forgave him because I believed it was truly an accident made after too many drinks. You're incredibly naive.I’m very bothered that he was trying to hide it from me..
> 
> There have been several instances throughout our marriage and engagement where he’s searched for ex girlfriends and flings on Facebook, Instagram. I never really made a big deal out of it until 2-3 months ago when I found he had created a fake Facebook account to look up photos of his ex girlfriend. In the same browser history there was porn (don’t care about that) and he had been looking at Craigslist sex ads.Not just a serial cheater, but a disgustingly unhealthy, "irresponsible" cheater He basically says it turns him on occasionally to look at pictures of his ex and craigslist.Turns him on to bang other women, too, right? I told him I wasn’t okay with this and it couldn’t continue in the future.What are the consequences for his breach of your boundary?? He watches porn 2-4 times per day, which seems excessive but I haven’t ever minded. Lots of threads here where guys can't get it up for their wives eventually, because they're desensitized on porn
> ...


Just wanted to say I'm very sorry and I know how painful it is to deal with. You really, really should dump this guy. He's going to give you a horrible life-changing STD at the very least.
Dump him. He's trashy.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The only accident you have from drinking too much is an automobile accident.
No one falls into a vagina.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He is a serial cheater. What you know about is bad enough, but I bet the rest would make you vomit. His dream isn't about loving you. It's about him being afraid you'll find out the rest of what he's done, see him for who he really is vs who you want him to be, and leave him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Laurenj said:


> I need help-
> 
> ..... he had gone for STD testing. He wouldn’t have told me if he got away with it. (He also had sex with me while waiting for his results.) *I forgave him* .....
> 
> ...


Yes it is pattern behavior and you have been an "enabler" of past misdeeds. You are not trying to change the pattern that he and you have established.

That is going to take clear boundaries on your part and consequences and conviction.

You really need to discover within you what are your boundaries that you are willing to end your marriage over. Then you need to communicate them to your H. You need to tell him that you have changed and will no longer tolerate certain kinds of things. Then you need to back up your words with actions. 

Maybe an action is marriage counseling, going jointly to a divorce attorney to draft up divorce papers so he sees how serious you are, maybe it means demanding he move out for a two month separation with an expectation that he has to be totally faithful if he doesn't want it to end in divorce.

Yes there is pattern behavior on both his part and yours. You need to be the strong one and change the pattern of your behavior and insist he change his pattern or there will be consequences.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What was his complaint about your sex life?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not looking good. Keep an eye out.


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