# really needs a mans opinion



## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

when i was 4 months pregnant my husband left me for what he said was my fault. within a couple weeks of being gone i find out he is dating another girl. about a month ago he decided he wanted to work things out with me. only problem is i am not sure about his intentions. i dont knwo if he came back because the other girl shot him down or not. she turned out to be a really big *****. well anyway he says nothing happened with them except a kiss. well after he came home he seems to want different things when it comes to sex than he ever asked for before. his techniques have changed. before he left we had no issues with the sex part at all. thats where things were great. is his change in what he wants common or does it sound like he has had sex with another girl?


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

addie said:


> when i was 4 months pregnant my husband left me for what he said was my fault. within a couple weeks of being gone i find out he is dating another girl. about a month ago he decided he wanted to work things out with me. only problem is i am not sure about his intentions. i dont knwo if he came back because the other girl shot him down or not. she turned out to be a really big *****. well anyway he says nothing happened with them except a kiss. well after he came home he seems to want different things when it comes to sex than he ever asked for before. his techniques have changed. before he left we had no issues with the sex part at all. thats where things were great. is his change in what he wants common or does it sound like he has had sex with another girl?


I'd be willing to bet that he had sex with her.


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Hey, Addie- Sorry you've gone thru this. If his sexual "tastes" have changed, it could mean a couple of things. Either he has developed them through use of porn, or he has done more with the other woman than just kiss. I can't imagine leaving my wife who also happened to be 4 months preganant to "kiss" someone else. Either very stupid, or very mean...
-Gman


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

thanks that is what i think to but its not easy to walk away even though i always said i woudl never be iwth a cheater. its harder to live by those words when you love them and haave a 2 yr old and a lil boy gonna be here in a few weeks. is there anything i can do to get him to tell me everything?


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

addie said:


> thanks that is what i think to but its not easy to walk away even though i always said i woudl never be iwth a cheater. its harder to live by those words when you love them and haave a 2 yr old and a lil boy gonna be here in a few weeks. is there anything i can do to get him to tell me everything?


It's all going to be on his timing if he tells you everything. If your boundaries are that you won't be with a cheater then stick to that. However, I totally understand how circumstances can change such an absolute statement that you made earlier in your life.

You are at a point where you need to decide what you want and need. Set new boundaries for yourself (or use the old ones) and move forward from there. Clearly if your new goals are to work on your marriage, then the truth will need to come out for there to be closure to this issue.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

is it a true statement that once a cheater always a cheater? i have always been a bit a good girl who respects myself and my body. he has known since the day we met how i felt about guys who cheat. i find it to be dirty and very disrespectful. as much as i love him and want our marriage to work i am affraid i am only staying because i am scared my babies wont have a dad. we were both military so we are from two different states. if this marriage dont work my kids wont get to see their daddy daily. i am willing to risk myself for my kids.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

why do people have to cheat?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No one has to cheat--they choose to. Often it is b/c there are unmet needs in the marriage; sometimes, the cheater is simply a dysfunctional person who is incapable of being in a healthy, normal relationship. Figuring out which problem you have is, of course, part of the problem.

Right now you are mixing up a lot of separate issues so it seems overwhelming; lets try to separate them.

First, get into counseling and work on the marriage--do not "risk" yourself b/c sooner or later that will backfire and the kids will suffer one way or another. Either the marriage improves to a level you can enjoy/appreciate, or it should end. 

Second, divorce means kids will not see each parent every day, but it does not mean you have to move to a separate state. Your ex would have to pay child support (if he earns more $$ than you) and you would likely share custody and placement 50/50, unless the kids are still really young and you have been a stay-at-home mom. Typically, a man has to support his ex wife with spousal support until the kids are older--like old enough for school--if she has been a SAHM. If he makes more money, he will also likely have to pay child support until they are 18. The child support is based on the percentage of time the children are with you and the difference in your incomes. Again, if you have been a SAHM, he may have to continue supporting you like that until the kids go to school; then the spousal support is reduced or eliminated (b/c you can go to work once they are in school), but child support continues. No state wants the ex and the children to become a public responsibility. Men do not want to pay spousal support--they want their ex to get a job--but it is not in the best interest of the children for that to happen right away, and b/c a SAHM has made career sacrifices, the courts try to balance out things for as long as it takes. 

SO--you do not have to move out of state (and may not be permitted to, if he wants to share custody). You can continue where you are, parenting and maybe going back to school, using time he has the kids to go to school, for example. Yes, he will not like this, but it is the only way to balance out things a bit more fairly and keep the ex and the kids from becoming a burden on the state.

Sounds like you are really sad and hurting, too, so please talk to a counselor and/or your minister, someone with training to help you through this very difficult time. Get an STD test, too. Protect your health--your kids need you to do that!


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

addie said:


> is it a true statement that once a cheater always a cheater? i have always been a bit a good girl who respects myself and my body. he has known since the day we met how i felt about guys who cheat. i find it to be dirty and very disrespectful. as much as i love him and want our marriage to work i am affraid i am only staying because i am scared my babies wont have a dad. we were both military so we are from two different states. if this marriage dont work my kids wont get to see their daddy daily. i am willing to risk myself for my kids.


That statement couldn't be further from the truth. People make mistakes in life, including cheating. I am not condoning the behavior by any means and completely understand its deplorably. Not to mention the far reaching effects it has on a relationship. 

With that said, if someone wants to change, they can.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Cheating is often the result of someone being afraid to confront the issues in their marriage, so a lot depends on whether the person deals with his/her role in the marital breakdown or not. A person who learns that s/he cheated b/c s/he was just too afraid to address the real issues and/or too afraid to leave, and then develops the skills so that s/he won't be fearful in the future--that person will not cheat again. They made a mistake (a big one) and they felt remorse for it; they worked to make sure it won't happen again. A lot has to happen for this to happen--the person has to accept responsibility for his/her role in the marriage, s/he has to stop blaming the other person for everything that went wrong, etc. But yes, people can and do change. Good luck.


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Something to keep in mind - people who are cheating are dealing with fantasyland. The reality of a long term relationship is part of what they are trying to escape. Sooner or later, they will come crashing to earth when they realize that the other person will start to have expectations of the relationship as well.

Hang in there Addie, and take care of yourself!

Gman


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Yup, sounds to me like he's had sex with this woman. I'd bet the farm on it.

I've cheated on girlfriends in the past, but never in my marriage... so to that extent I guess I am proof that a "cheater" can change. BUT that was when I was early 20's (long time ago) and I am also with a different woman... a woman I chose to spend my life with and I also treasure my fidelity within our marriage (possibly because I had cheated in the past).

I would urge you to go to some counselling, with your husband, and see what happens. But don't delay.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

BuddyL33 said:


> That statement couldn't be further from the truth. People make mistakes in life, including cheating. I am not condoning the behavior by any means and completely understand its deplorably. Not to mention the far reaching effects it has on a relationship.
> 
> With that said, if someone wants to change, they can.


i know i am amess but if he did have sex with her and only claims to have kissed her do you think he has even admitted it to himself. at one point in time i told him i could never be witha cheater. but when i said that i told himthat included everything right down to kissing. obviously circumstances change bc i am still with him. do you think he is affraid to tell me whole truth. i would rather know whole truth now than to find it out later on. it takes alot of work to forgive a person who cheated and i am not sure i can do it twice for the same situation. lies are worse than cheating in my book.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you had an STD test? You really should, given that you will deliver soon--don't wait. You can expose your baby to dangerous diseases if s/he is born while you have an active STD. Call your doctor now and get it done; too great a risk if you do not. It will end your wondering IF it comes back positive--and you can take measures to protect your baby. If it is negative, at least you know your baby is safe.

You could take your h to the doctor's office and have them explain the risks to the baby if it is born/exposed to an undetected STD. Some STDs take a while to show up, so you could test negative and still have one--does he want to put his unborn child at risk like that? Scary stuff. Even if you don't take your h to the doctor, be sure to explain to the doctor that you are not sure if your h has cheated and you want to take whatever precautions are necessary, just in case.

Don't fool around making this about you and him right now--it's about protecting the baby. Focus on that. Good luck.


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