# The rule at our table is the children must eat everything.



## Apexmale

I am seeing it more and more. We visit friends or relatives for dinner and those who have children are serving them a different dish then what the adults are served. The reason is that the child/children don't like what was made for the adults so they get something they will eat. 

With my kids, I have different house rules and I'm sure I will catch hell for it in a few after this is posted. 

The only time the child chooses what they get to eat is when they are paying for it. My wife spends a lot of time preparing a meal and the children are required to eat what their mother has prepared. They will not be served differently. Additionally, the kids can't speak until they have finished thier first serving, after that they can tell us everything they want and ask for seconds if they chose. Our oldest use to talk so much at the table that his food would get cold, then struggle to finish it. So table rules where the result and when it comes to rules... parents nowadays think children should be "free". 

Does anyone else have similiar rules or table ettiquete that stuns most other parents?


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## ToothFairy

I agree with serving one meal for everyone. I don't know how old your kids are...But geez.. honestly, you sound like a dictator at the table. Perhaps you are missing the point of family meal time.. which is bonding and sharing. And if you are forcing your kids to eat everything on the plate regardless of whether or not they are hungry...you are inadvertedly teaching a very bad habit. Sounds like there is some room for teaching manners AND allowing some freedom to enjoy mealtime?


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## luvinhim

I am a mother who believes in discipling children, but I never got
too caught up with the food fights between children and parents. I remember having to eat things I hated as a child and we secretly threw away so much food. 

I typically serve meals that everyone enjoys so there is not fighting about food. I do suggest that you at least try something one time and then you can declare your hatred for it


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## Runs like Dog

My dogs would always hang around the table waiting for the kids to 'finish' their meals. Hounds got fat.


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## Apexmale

ToothFairy said:


> I agree with serving one meal for everyone. I don't know how old your kids are...But geez.. honestly, you sound like a dictator at the table. Perhaps you are missing the point of family meal time.. which is bonding and sharing. And if you are forcing your kids to eat everything on the plate regardless of whether or not they are hungry...you are inadvertedly teaching a very bad habit. Sounds like there is some room for teaching manners AND allowing some freedom to enjoy mealtime?


They are served small portions, we don't make it impossible to finish. If the kids say they aren't hungry, are you saying they should be excused from the table?


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## GusPolinski

Apexmale said:


> I am seeing it more and more. We visit friends or relatives for dinner and those who have children are serving them a different dish then what the adults are served. The reason is that the child/children don't like what was made for the adults so they get something they will eat.
> 
> With my kids, I have different house rules and I'm sure I will catch hell for it in a few after this is posted.
> 
> The only time the child chooses what they get to eat is when they are paying for it. My wife spends a lot of time preparing a meal and the children are required to eat what their mother has prepared. They will not be served differently. Additionally, the kids can't speak until they have finished thier first serving, after that they can tell us everything they want and ask for seconds if they chose. Our oldest use to talk so much at the table that his food would get cold, then struggle to finish it. So table rules where the result and when it comes to rules... parents nowadays think children should be "free".
> 
> Does anyone else have similiar rules or table ettiquete that stuns most other parents?


Sounds legit. If my brother and I didn't eat what our mother served for dinner, we didn't eat.

Pretty simple, IMO.

That said, if we'd had something before, and it was apparent that we didn't particular enjoy it, it probably wouldn't make too many more appearances at the dinner table. Mama was (and is!) a good cook, though, so that didn't happen very often.


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## Openminded

I'm from a more strict generation and the general rule was children ate what adults did, in smaller portion sizes, and that included everything on their plates. On rare occasions, they might be excused from the table without eating but if that happened they got nothing to eat until the next meal.


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## 4x4

We ate what was put in front of us or we went to bed hungry. Mom was a great cook and tried hard to get us to try all sorts of food. Some we liked and some we didn't, but we had to try it at least. None in my family have food allergies to my knowledge, I wonder if that is in part due to a wide variety of foods growing up.


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## Apexmale

Runs like Dog said:


> My dogs would always hang around the table waiting for the kids to 'finish' their meals. Hounds got fat.


Lol... we have 3 toy Chihuahua's and they spend time outside during our dinner. Even if they were inside, they couldn't eat much of any tossed morsels.


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## Apexmale

4x4 said:


> We ate what was put in front of us or we went to bed hungry. Mom was a great cook and tried hard to get us to try all sorts of food. Some we liked and some we didn't, but we had to try it at least. None in my family have food allergies to my knowledge, I wonder if that is in part due to a wide variety of foods growing up.


Hmmmmm, I wonder if exposure to variety builds immunity to food allergies myself.


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## Holland

Apexmale said:


> Hmmmmm, I wonder if exposure to variety builds immunity to food allergies myself.


Not quite but the opposite is closer to just part of the allergy epidemic. Over exposure to individual foods can increase allergies eg in places that have a high soy intake, soy allergy is common same for other foods such as dairy etc.

The allergy epidemic is multi faceted and too OT for here.

So to the OP, my parents used to make us eat everything on our plate regardless of what food it was, all that ever did was create eating issues for 3 out of 4 of us kids.

I expect my kids to eat a good, healthy meal but if they are not hungry then forcing them to eat is cruel. Also kids have different tastes to adults, lots of kids don't like mushrooms for eg but as adults they like them.
So the easy thing to do is not serve foods my kids don't like, why set them up to fail? 

I already serve different meals because 2 of us are veggo and the others aren't. So what is the big deal, just serve people what they like and then there is no battle to be had.

As for not talking again my parents were like that and I HATED meal times as a family. I encourage my kids to talk and have conversation over dinner, it is family time and with a house full of teenagers it is often quite funny and loud, I love it.


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## meson

I agree forcing kids to eat everything on the plate is more likely to cause eating disorders than solving dinner time problems. My wife and I took a more moderate approach. What was served for meals is all that would be allowed. Our kids and one in particular never was very hungry and would frequently even skip desert. If they didn't like something they didn't need to finish it but they were required to try it and eat a portion of it before giving up. Then no desert or other substitutions. Dinner especially was family together time and talking was essential to the meal of not more important. We had all the kid activities but we managed a family dinner more than 95% of the time with everyone. 

Two of our kids had food they just didn't like. Our daughter could detect peanut butter in almost anything and wouldn't touch it. Our oldest boy didn't like rice. It altered our preparations a bit but we still served both and they learned to try many different foods. Today my kids eat more variety than most adults. In addition they know how to control portion size since they weren't required to eat everything off their plate. 

Tomorrow my daughter is making spam musubi for a venture crew dinner. I doubt many of the other youth in the venture crew will try or even like spam musubi but my kids love it. They like lots of the stuff we made because they were exposed to it and acquired a taste along with learning to give everything a try at least a little bit.


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## meson

Holland said:


> As for not talking again my parents were like that and I HATED meal times as a family. I encourage my kids to talk and have conversation over dinner, it is family time and with a house full of teenagers it is often quite funny and loud, I love it.


One of the most fun dinners we ever had was similar to the Bugs Bunny cartoon when the hat truck lost its load of hats when Elmer Fudd was chasing the rabbit. When a hat landed on one of them they adopted the personality of the hat.

Well one of my kids took a different seat at the table and wouldn't give it up. This caused someone else to take their seat and act like them. Soon we were all in different seats imitating/lampooning each other. My daughter did a magnificent version of me trying to instruct our youngest to use a knife properly. Soon we were all in tears from laughter. That was a great meal.


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## SecondTime'Round

I had very, very picky eaters, which was very frustrating. My sister's kids have eaten anything and everything since birth. Ugh. 

I do like your rule about the kids not being allowed to chit-chat until their second helping. I think that's a great rule because kids can be so, so chatty at the table and their food does get cold and they don't want to eat it! I don't think OP is hindering family chit-chat time, but emphasizing the importance of eating a healthy meal.


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## Anon Pink

I never made my kids eat the dinner I served. It's their choice. But they sure as hell wouldn't be eating anything else till breakfast unless they ate their dinner. 

Your rules sound tyrannical. 

Keep it simple. Here is what you may eat until breakfast. It is your choice whether to eat it or wait till breakfast.

If you start your kids eating varied foods and continue that, they always will eat varied foods. The trouble comes when we allow the kids to snack their way to dinner. Then they aren't that hungry and so they can't manage to eat foods that aren't their favorites.


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## 4x4

meson said:


> Tomorrow my daughter is making spam musubi for a venture crew dinner. I doubt many of the other youth in the venture crew will try or even like spam musubi but my kids love it. They like lots of the stuff we made because they were exposed to it and acquired a taste along with learning to give everything a try at least a little bit.


Never had one, but I would eat a Spam musubi in a heartbeat! Lots of salt, but that would be so tasty. I like Spam.


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## kokonatsu

I expect the kids I work with to eat everything in their plates. Until one kid threw up the corn. I didn't make him finish that. 

Meals should be family time, meals should, as much as possible, include something that everyone enjoys. I don't get the no talking rule, and I don't get the making different meals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Apexmale said:


> I am seeing it more and more. We visit friends or relatives for dinner and those who have children are serving them a different dish then what the adults are served. The reason is that the child/children don't like what was made for the adults so they get something they will eat.
> 
> With my kids, I have different house rules and I'm sure I will catch hell for it in a few after this is posted.
> 
> The only time the child chooses what they get to eat is when they are paying for it. My wife spends a lot of time preparing a meal and the children are required to eat what their mother has prepared. They will not be served differently. Additionally, the kids can't speak until they have finished thier first serving, after that they can tell us everything they want and ask for seconds if they chose. Our oldest use to talk so much at the table that his food would get cold, then struggle to finish it. So table rules where the result and when it comes to rules... parents nowadays think children should be "free".
> 
> Does anyone else have similiar rules or table ettiquete that stuns most other parents?


The part I agree with is the concept of take it or leave it. Nutritious food taste really good when we're hungry but not so good when pizza rolls are chicken nuggets are on tap.


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## Holland

kokonatsu said:


> I expect the kids I work with to eat everything in their plates. Until one kid threw up the corn. I didn't make him finish that.
> 
> Meals should be family time, meals should, as much as possible, include something that everyone enjoys. I don't get the no talking rule, a*nd I don't get the making different meals.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some of us have to make different meals. Why should the meat eaters in my family have to eat veggo every night?

Also when I was with the ex I would have to cook different meal as we all had different needs:
He is anaphylactic to 3 foods
2 of the kids are coaliac
Kids had various allergies inc. nuts, dairy, soy, eggs
2 of us are vegetarian.

I dare you to cook 24/7 and find meals that everyone can eat without being sick or going against their beliefs. 

So be it, no big deal, some of us are happy to cater to our families needs.


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## kokonatsu

Holland said:


> Some of us have to make different meals. Why should the meat eaters in my family have to eat veggo every night?
> 
> Also when I was with the ex I would have to cook different meal as we all had different needs:
> He is anaphylactic to 3 foods
> 2 of the kids are coaliac
> Kids had various allergies inc. nuts, dairy, soy, eggs
> 2 of us are vegetarian.
> 
> I dare you to cook 24/7 and find meals that everyone can eat without being sick or going against their beliefs.
> 
> So be it, no big deal, some of us are happy to cater to our families needs.



Okay, let me rephrase that. 

I don't get when people make different meals for kids just because they don't like something. I always try to make meals that are healthy, varied and enjoyable. If they happen to not like it, too bad, I won't make it again, but that's what I've made for that night and unless it makes you sick, you can take it or leave it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale

ToothFairy said:


> I agree with serving one meal for everyone. I don't know how old your kids are...But geez.. honestly, you sound like a dictator at the table. Perhaps you are missing the point of family meal time.. which is bonding and sharing. And if you are forcing your kids to eat everything on the plate regardless of whether or not they are hungry...you are inadvertedly teaching a very bad habit. Sounds like there is some room for teaching manners AND allowing some freedom to enjoy mealtime?



My wife is a very good cook, and she spends a lot of her time preparing meals. She doesn't serve outrageous portions, nor exotic gourmet meals that none of us would be able to identify. She is sensible with the meals she creates. She has made a few dishes that I didn't like, but I ate every bit with a smile and made sure she felt I enjoyed every chew. Sometimes I even ask for seconds! LOL. Why? Because she invested a lot of time and work in the dish and if there is any negative feedback, she deserves that I not be the source. Of course some will say I am lying, but the guilt I have to endure is secondary to my wife feeling good for what she prepared.

What I won't allow the kids to do, is make my wife feel that she has to ask for permission, or that she can't research and try new recipes, and introduce new dishes to the family she has good intentions on nourishing just because "the kids might not like it" or they might "develop dangerous eating habits". We eat as a family unit and no one leaves the table until we are all finished, and that's my wife's rule.

See, there are a lot of things I make my boys do that they may not like to do. I remind them all the time: throughout their lifetimes they will have to do an infinite number of things they may not like to do.... but they will have to do it anyways. Sometimes, maybe even being the best at something they don't like to do. They won't have the option of saying they don't like it, or that they won't do something simply because mommy and daddy never made them do it as kids. 

The boys will have jobs before they have careers. They will hate it before they love it. I can't imagine one of them telling thier supervisors or bosses that they don't have to do something because they don't like to and thier parents said it was never required. And then warn thier supervisors or bosses that if forced, thier emotions will get hurt. 

It also helps that when our kids sit at tables where we are guests, they eat whatever the host serves. Respectfully. We don't see faces from them, audible comments, or attempts at leaving food on plates. It is important that they show appreciation for the hosts dedicated time and good intentions. I've seen other kids leave entire plates untouched because they didn't like what the host prepared, that is unimaginable in our family.

The tables rules are very simple and we eat sensibly. The rules are not negotiable. My boys will learn to follow before they learn to lead.




Ok peeps.... let me have it...


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## poida

ToothFairy said:


> I agree with serving one meal for everyone. I don't know how old your kids are...But geez.. honestly, you sound like a dictator at the table. Perhaps you are missing the point of family meal time.. which is bonding and sharing. And if you are forcing your kids to eat everything on the plate regardless of whether or not they are hungry...you are inadvertedly teaching a very bad habit. Sounds like there is some room for teaching manners AND allowing some freedom to enjoy mealtime?


Personally, I thank my parents for having the same approach. I love all food now and there is nothing I won't eat that is put in front of me. I have no scars or problems with how that was done, but I think it is important to start very early and be consistent. Consistency is something most people can't maintain. For those people, they probably do more damage than good.

But, some kids are just really fussy. Despite being brought up under exactly the same conditions, my sister kicked and screamed and carried on when told to eat everything. 

Kids's personalities have to come into it at some point. Sometimes you might just have to compromise.


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## arbitrator

*Just don't serve them up such things like liver, gizzards, Rocky Mountain oysters, and beef tripe! To try to force them to eat stuff like that is grossly inhumane!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland

Apexmale said:


> My wife is a very good cook, and she spends a lot of her time preparing meals. She doesn't serve outrageous portions, nor exotic gourmet meals that none of us would be able to identify. She is sensible with the meals she creates. She has made a few dishes that I didn't like, but I ate every bit with a smile and made sure she felt I enjoyed every chew. Sometimes I even ask for seconds! LOL. Why? Because she invested a lot of time and work in the dish and if there is any negative feedback, she deserves that I not be the source. Of course some will say I am lying, but the guilt I have to endure is secondary to my wife feeling good for what she prepared.
> 
> What I won't allow the kids to do, is make my wife feel that she has to ask for permission, or that she can't research and try new recipes, and introduce new dishes to the family she has good intentions on nourishing just because "the kids might not like it" or they might "develop dangerous eating habits". We eat as a family unit and no one leaves the table until we are all finished, and that's my wife's rule.
> 
> See, there are a lot of things I make my boys do that they may not like to do. I remind them all the time: throughout their lifetimes they will have to do an infinite number of things they may not like to do.... but they will have to do it anyways. Sometimes, maybe even being the best at something they don't like to do. They won't have the option of saying they don't like it, or that they won't do something simply because mommy and daddy never made them do it as kids.
> 
> The boys will have jobs before they have careers. They will hate it before they love it. I can't imagine one of them telling thier supervisors or bosses that they don't have to do something because they don't like to and thier parents said it was never required. And then warn thier supervisors or bosses that if forced, thier emotions will get hurt.
> 
> It also helps that when our kids sit at tables where we are guests, they eat whatever the host serves. Respectfully. We don't see faces from them, audible comments, or attempts at leaving food on plates. It is important that they show appreciation for the hosts dedicated time and good intentions. I've seen other kids leave entire plates untouched because they didn't like what the host prepared, that is unimaginable in our family.
> 
> The tables rules are very simple and we eat sensibly. The rules are not negotiable. My boys will learn to follow before they learn to lead.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Ok peeps.... let me have it... *


Why? Are you here just to get a bashing? If you are confident with what you do then why are you wanting to provoke others that live differently? 

By all means discussion is good but I don't get the impression that is what you are after.


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## afab

A very interesting thread and some very interesting posts.
I was brought up very strict much stricter than any of the posts here. Therefore with my kids I was just the opposite. They could eat what they wanted, talk what they wanted, could ask for whatever they wanted (within reason). So much so that when I offered one a present for something he achieved he replied he needs nothing.
I was always very easy going. If they fought between themselves I let them sort it out themselves as well and didnt mix in. They all grew up and all get on well with each other.


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## Yeswecan

I was brought up in a environment that my aunts and uncles lived during the depression and fought in WW2. Their say in the matter was, "Take all you want. Eat all you take." Further, what was served was what was served. The first to complain is tomorrow's cook. These elders of mine understood going without, making do and thankful there was anything at all.

Now eat your Brussel sprouts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Personally, I don't have an issue with the one meal, everyone eats it. No parent should have to live their life as a short order cook. But I also gave the kids some say for a weekly menu. The got to request a favorite food, and helped make it. Guess what-they eat it.

I REALLY don't like the no talking rule. Dinner time is the time the entire family can get together and talk about their day, share stories, voice concerns. I understand why you think at this age it is convenient, but look at what you are teaching them. You are teaching them NOT to talk to Mom and Dad. As they get older and the become more involved with friends and sports and school, you will have lost the best time to find out what is going on in their world. If the food gets too cold to eat because of chit-chatting, offer to heat it up again, or be consistent and say that's it. I bet your son will learn to eat and have a conversation. Just my opinion.


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## 4x4

Yeswecan said:


> Now eat your Brussel sprouts!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Brussel sprouts are great! I eat them multiple times a week if I can.


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## lifeistooshort

My kids eat what we make. I let them decide how much, kids need to learn to recognize when they're hungry and when they're full. Forcing kids to eat a predetermined amount is a terrible idea, imo. What seems reasonable to you may not be to them, your kid needs to learn these signs. And I won't force everyone to eat something they don't like because I like it, or I'd have to eat brussel sprouts because hubby likes them. Brussel sprouts can kiss my butt..... the spinach and kale salad I'm having for lunch will have to do. 

But if they eat one bite dessert is a no go. I tell my youngest that if he's not hungry for dinner that's fine but the next meal is breakfast. There is very little snacking in my house. Snacking is a terrible habit too.

I try to keep in mind everyone's preferences when planning meals but they are always healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale

Holland said:


> Why? Are you here just to get a bashing? If you are confident with what you do then why are you wanting to provoke others that live differently?
> 
> By all means discussion is good but I don't get the impression that is what you are after.


I want to know who lives similiarly, and how other parents deal with the issues.


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## Apexmale

Pluto2 said:


> Personally, I don't have an issue with the one meal, everyone eats it. No parent should have to live their life as a short order cook. But I also gave the kids some say for a weekly menu. The got to request a favorite food, and helped make it. Guess what-they eat it.
> 
> I REALLY don't like the no talking rule. Dinner time is the time the entire family can get together and talk about their day, share stories, voice concerns. I understand why you think at this age it is convenient, but look at what you are teaching them. You are teaching them NOT to talk to Mom and Dad. As they get older and the become more involved with friends and sports and school, you will have lost the best time to find out what is going on in their world. If the food gets too cold to eat because of chit-chatting, offer to heat it up again, or be consistent and say that's it. I bet your son will learn to eat and have a conversation. Just my opinion.


The kids can absolutely talk at the table.


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## Apexmale

arbitrator said:


> *Just don't serve them up such things like liver, gizzards, Rocky Mountain oysters, and beef tripe! To try to force them to eat stuff like that is grossly inhumane!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL yea the kids don't like liver, oysters, tripe, beef tongue, beef cheek, mushrooms, onions (really depends on how it's prepared), and a lot of other stuff so my wife doesn't prepare it. By no means does she prepare foods we know they don't like and then make them eat it.


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## Yeswecan

4x4 said:


> Brussel sprouts are great! I eat them multiple times a week if I can.


These make me gag. Hated them as a kid. My mom said I could not be excused from the table until I ate one. Gag a bit then she would send me on my way. :grin2:


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## Pluto2

Apexmale said:


> Additionally, the kids can't speak until they have finished thier first serving, after that they can tell us everything they want and ask for seconds if they chose. Our oldest use to talk so much at the table that his food would get cold, then struggle to finish it. So table rules where the result and when it comes to rules... parents nowadays think children should be "free".


Didn't you say here, no talking until the first serving is finished?


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## Rowan

My son has always had food texture issues and is really sensitive to certain flavors. Making him eat things he doesn't like results in gagging and vomiting, something we try to avoid at the table. I've always had him try at least one bite of anything new that's being served. Beyond that, he's free to eat as much or as little of whatever I've made for dinner as he wants. If he doesn't want anything I've prepared, he's welcome to wait until the next meal or to prepare something healthy for himself. No whining or complaints, and no skipping the meal in favor of dessert or snack foods. He's been able to make a peanut butter (he doesn't like jelly) or ham & cheese (can't tolerate condiments) sandwich since about age 5, and at age 15 can now cook reasonably well on his own. He doesn't have to eat things he hates or that make him feel ill, I don't have to prepare more than one meal, and he's learned to cook. 

I do look at dinner as the venue in which I teach my son appropriate adult table manners. I have taught him to use his cutlery appropriately, not speak with his mouth full, chew quietly, and otherwise use his manners. And he's been taught to do it all while carrying on an agreeable conversation - engaged but not talking incessantly - with those around him. I think those are important social skills for the adult world. I would find it profoundly odd to share a meal with a friend, boss or co-worker who didn't speak until they'd finished their first plateful of food. Thus, I would never teach my son to do that.


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## Apexmale

Pluto2 said:


> Didn't you say here, no talking until the first serving is finished?


Yeop, after thier first serving is done... they can chat all they want.


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## Pluto2

Apexmale said:


> Yeop, after thier first serving is done... they can chat all they want.


So..... 
That is the part of your family rule I don't agree with, for the reasons I stated previously.


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## Apexmale

Yeswecan said:


> These make me gag. Hated them as a kid. My mom said I could not be excused from the table until I ate one. Gag a bit then she would send me on my way. :grin2:


The only time my boys will eat brussel sprouts is when they are grilled. Besides that, they don't like them any other way. They taste the same to me but perhaps the kids prefer the carmelized and sweeter taste that results from them being grilled? Not sure.

Same with onions. They dont like onions served by themselves unless they are grilled. Onions transform almost 360 from the raw state to a grilled or sauteed state.


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## Apexmale

Yeswecan said:


> I was brought up in a environment that my aunts and uncles lived during the depression and fought in WW2. Their say in the matter was, "Take all you want. Eat all you take." Further, what was served was what was served. The first to complain is tomorrow's cook. These elders of mine understood going without, making do and thankful there was anything at all.
> 
> Now eat your Brussel sprouts!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you practice this with your kids? Yes, WW2 and the Great Depression were long ago but the lessons learned were solid.

Most adults today remember hating what they're elders did to them and raise thier kids differently, forgetting the valuable lessons of the past in the process.


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## Apexmale

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds legit. If my brother and I didn't eat what our mother served for dinner, we didn't eat.
> 
> Pretty simple, IMO.
> 
> That said, if we'd had something before, and it was apparent that we didn't particular enjoy it, it probably wouldn't make too many more appearances at the dinner table. Mama was (and is!) a good cook, though, so that didn't happen very often.


Gus, your percetions are always good, how did your father handle the table?


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## chillymorn

work them like farm animals and then they will eat anything you put on their plate.

let them play x box all day while snacking on chips and pop and you will end up with a lazy disrespectful kid who won't eat anything you give them.

this is obliviously an exaggeration but you get my point!


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## Yeswecan

Apexmale said:


> Do you practice this with your kids? Yes, WW2 and the Great Depression were long ago but the lessons learned were solid.
> 
> Most adults today remember hating what they're elders did to them and raise thier kids differently, forgetting the valuable lessons of the past in the process.


My W instilled this in our girls. Waste not, want not idea. One is a vegetarian and eats like a chick-a-dee. Our youngest does not eat red meat but other kinds(chicken/fish). Both eat all they take. Both eat healthy. Kids will parrot their parents in many respects. Eating habits is one of them. At dinner time there is no electronics allowed at the table. We do not watch TV while eating. It is family time over a meal prepared by my W or me. Sometimes both of us.


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## EnjoliWoman

My daughter wasn't picky until she went to daycare at 2 and was exposed to junk food. Suddenly Froot Loops were preferred over Grape Nuts. *sigh*

But she was a picky child and I got tired of eating 'kid food' and I wasn't going to give up MY favorite foods or make 2 dinners. And I had read forcing kids to eat, whether to clear their plate or eat something they didn't like OR not allowing sweets or things they did like as rewards all create an unhealthy relationship with foods.

So I make meals we both liked but there may be some dislikes in there. I know she doesn't like peas. I love peas. I know she loves my beef stroganoff. So I serve peas with it and give her a small portion. I always have somethign she really likes to balance the things she isn't crazy about. Studies show children need to try a food 17 times before developing taste for it. She loves broccoli so we have that more than other vegetables. And if I try something new I don't try everything new - just one thing. So I would make BBQ chicken (she likes) and try roasted Parmesan cauliflower (hates it steamed). Turns out she likes it roasted.

The only rule is she must TRY the new thing. She still has a limited palate but I really praise her for trying new things like a spider roll from a sushi appetizer platter shared by the table at a restaurant. But I don't make her clean her plate, I don't force her to eat something I know she hates. I introduce new things but not a bunch at one sitting. 

As to conversation, I get it that you don't want them to go on for 10 minutes without a bite but that doesn't teach them how conversation at dinner works. A comment followed by a bite, followed by a question and a bite... all eating and no conversation makes dinner another chore they have to complete. Doesn't seem like meals are a positive experience. Microwaves can always heat up a cold plate of food.


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## GusPolinski

Apexmale said:


> Gus, your percetions are always good, how did your father handle the table?


Conversation was encouraged, but unruliness was stifled pretty much immediately. Failure to comply meant being going to bed early (which meant either not finishing dinner or not eating at all) or, where warranted, a spanking. And trust me... you didn't want that.

As we got older, though, things became a bit more relaxed. I'd expect that to be the case w/ most families.


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## VermisciousKnid

I don't agree with eating everything on your plate for the most part. I like the 'one bite of everything' rule. There were foods that I detested as a kid, but I was always able to survive one bite by mixing them (that means you, lima beans!) with something or taking it with a gulp of milk. And there were foods that I thought I wouldn't like but actually did, so the one bite rule saved me from myself. 

I feel very strongly about the snacks that kids eat between school and dinner. Vegetables and fruits only. Peanut butter or cheese is okay though not too much. No cookies, no candy, no chips, no juice, no soda. If you allow your kids to eat that stuff, of course they won't be that hungry come dinner time. 

Another thing to consider is that some people's taste buds are wired differently. They literally taste overwhelming flavors where others detect very little. So you may think those brussel sprouts are tasty, but your kid might think they are the most bitter thing in existence. 

And kids tend to have issues with food textures too. A sticky gob of mashed potatoes might really make them wretch. It might not be an act.


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## Satya

The rules about food in my house came from my Italian father. He'd learned to cook from his mother.

- You had to finish everything on your plate, provided it wasn't a new, experimental food.
- No special meals that are different from grown-ups if we have guests over. I would help cook the grown-up meals (which I really enjoyed doing with my dad and in the process I learned how to do some really essential cooking tricks).
- If I've never had it before, I must at least try a decent bite before deciding I hate it. I discovered I liked many foods because of this rule.


When I was small, my father would puree anything he and my mom ate into baby food for me. I've read that this is what many French parents do. It gets the children accustomed to different tastes at an age where they can't complain about it. I ate all manner of things that were really considered "weird" and "disgusting" by all of my peers when I was a kid, at least until I went to a Pescetarian diet at the age of 10. I also used to have a tiny glass of wine diluted with water with my dinner a few nights a week.

Now what I see primarily is parents catering to the child's picky whim... and far too much snacking, like food is a means to quiet your child. There is honestly no way I would be able to tolerate pickiness, nor have the time or energy to make separate meals.


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## VermisciousKnid

EnjoliWoman said:


> My daughter wasn't picky until she went to daycare at 2 and was exposed to junk food. Suddenly Froot Loops were preferred over Grape Nuts. *sigh*
> 
> But she was a picky child and I got tired of eating 'kid food' and I wasn't going to give up MY favorite foods or make 2 dinners. And I had read forcing kids to eat, whether to clear their plate or eat something they didn't like OR not allowing sweets or things they did like as rewards all create an unhealthy relationship with foods.
> 
> So I make meals we both liked but there may be some dislikes in there. I know she doesn't like peas. I love peas. I know she loves my beef stroganoff. So I serve peas with it and give her a small portion. I always have somethign she really likes to balance the things she isn't crazy about. Studies show children need to try a food 17 times before developing taste for it. She loves broccoli so we have that more than other vegetables. And if I try something new I don't try everything new - just one thing. So I would make BBQ chicken (she likes) and try roasted Parmesan cauliflower (hates it steamed). Turns out she likes it roasted.
> 
> The only rule is she must TRY the new thing. She still has a limited palate but I really praise her for trying new things like a spider roll from a sushi appetizer platter shared by the table at a restaurant. But I don't make her clean her plate, I don't force her to eat something I know she hates. I introduce new things but not a bunch at one sitting.
> 
> As to conversation, I get it that you don't want them to go on for 10 minutes without a bite but that doesn't teach them how conversation at dinner works. A comment followed by a bite, followed by a question and a bite... all eating and no conversation makes dinner another chore they have to complete. Doesn't seem like meals are a positive experience. Microwaves can always heat up a cold plate of food.


With regards to conversation, the rule at our house was that one person talks at a time. No interrupting allowed. Mom and Dad don't allow one person to go on and on. That's how you teach manners. Social interactions at meal times are a good time to learn. When you're listening you can eat.


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## 4x4

lifeistooshort said:


> Brussel sprouts can kiss my butt.....


If it wasn't for the saving grace of your Leela avatar, we'd have to be mortal enemies for this quote. :lol:


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## Pluto2

VermisciousKnid said:


> I don't agree with eating everything on your plate for the most part. I like the 'one bite of everything' rule. There were foods that I detested as a kid, but I was always able to survive one bite by mixing them (that means you, lima beans!) with something or taking it with a gulp of milk. And there were foods that I thought I wouldn't like but actually did, so the one bite rule saved me from myself.
> 
> I feel very strongly about the snacks that kids eat between school and dinner. Vegetables and fruits only. Peanut butter or cheese is okay though not too much. No cookies, no candy, no chips, no juice, no soda. If you allow your kids to eat that stuff, of course they won't be that hungry come dinner time.
> 
> Another thing to consider is that some people's taste buds are wired differently. They literally taste overwhelming flavors where others detect very little. So you may think those brussel sprouts are tasty, but your kid might think they are the most bitter thing in existence.
> 
> And kids tend to have issues with food textures too. A sticky gob of mashed potatoes might really make them wretch. It might not be an act.


To this day I detest lima beans. When my kids and I play the "Would you rather" game, usually in the car, I always would rather do anything they come up with rather than eat the dreaded lima.


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## happy as a clam

Eat EVERYTHING on your plate??

NO TALKING during the initial scarfing down of the first course?

Sounds barbaric to me. And a recipe for chubby little children who grow up to be overweight adults.

Dinner is a time to "break bread", to revel in conversation, to discuss your day.

"Quiet children, clean your plate!!! NO talking!!! Children around the world are STARVING!"

_*ugh*_

No thank you. I don't want any part of that.


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## pragmaster

I am very traditional about this.

Unless it's an allergy, eat your food or shut the hell up kid and starve. Lol. People are literally dying right now out of starvation. You are spoiled and should be grateful. Your body can go a few days without food, so let's just wait until you come to your senses and realize that it's a privilege not a right to be well fed. Ever been to a third world country? Yeah. 

To nitpick food someone has graciously offered (such as if you are going over to a friends and their parents cook supper) is disrespect. I personally hate mushrooms. Just the texture drives me nuts. But you know what, whenever I am offered food and there are mushrooms in it, I suck it up and eat it. Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to force yourself to do things. Agree or disagree, it's just my two cents and I am sticking with it. There are more and more ungrateful spoiled self-entitled bastards out there. 

Also, steamed vegetables ARE boring. Spice it up for your kids. Maybe they are right and it actually does taste like ****. After all, their taste buds are much more sensitive. So don't skimp on the salt and offer plenty of ketchup.

I think talking at the table, or not even eating at the table are perfectly ok. I believe in "beggars can't be choosers". 

Child, if you want something else to eat, buy the food and cook it yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman

I don't think making them mask flavors with ketchup or salt is a recipe for healthy eating.

While I agree one should be grateful, steamed vegetables have a lovely delicate flavor. I don't feel the need to mask it. Seasonings can enhance that which others find bland, but I would find it just as rude to cover up foods with condiments. A pinch of salt or pepper or a pat of butter, sure.

I understand if they don't like it that way, but ketchup is full of sugar and salt - both additives that should be used in small amounts in the American diet. No need to encourage a lifestyle that will lead to high blood pressure.


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## Pluto2

I do give the kids a choice between raw and cooked vegetable of the day. I have one child who can't stand cooked carrots, and one who loves them. I don't consider it an issue to not cook one portion, of whatever it is that's being offered.


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## Apexmale

pragmaster said:


> i am very traditional about this.
> 
> Unless it's an allergy, eat your food or shut the hell up kid and starve. Lol. People are literally dying right now out of starvation. You are spoiled and should be grateful. Your body can go a few days without food, so let's just wait until you come to your senses and realize that it's a privilege not a right to be well fed. Ever been to a third world country? Yeah.
> 
> To nitpick food someone has graciously offered (such as if you are going over to a friends and their parents cook supper) is disrespect. I personally hate mushrooms. Just the texture drives me nuts. But you know what, whenever i am offered food and there are mushrooms in it, i suck it up and eat it. Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to force yourself to do things. Agree or disagree, it's just my two cents and i am sticking with it. There are more and more ungrateful spoiled self-entitled bastards out there.
> 
> Also, steamed vegetables are boring. Spice it up for your kids. Maybe they are right and it actually does taste like ****. After all, their taste buds are much more sensitive. So don't skimp on the salt and offer plenty of ketchup.
> 
> I think talking at the table, or not even eating at the table are perfectly ok. I believe in "beggars can't be choosers".
> 
> Child, if you want something else to eat, buy the food and cook it yourself.


amen!


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## 4x4

Leftover baby Brussels went in today's salad yum yum!


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## Apexmale

GusPolinski said:


> Conversation was encouraged, but unruliness was stifled pretty much immediately. Failure to comply meant being going to bed early (which meant either not finishing dinner or not eating at all) or, where warranted, a spanking. And trust me... you didn't want that.
> 
> As we got older, though, things became a bit more relaxed. I'd expect that to be the case w/ most families.


You said the "S" word (spanking)! Prepare to defend yourself! Nowadays that is considered cruel and unusual punishment.


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## NobodySpecial

The rule at our table is Hi! How are you? How was your day? Oh, here's some food. How was soccer? Oh really? Mirabelle was being a bully? What did you do about that? Sure I would love to go to the lake this weekend. We have to get the laundry done before that.


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## SadSamIAm

When the kids were little my wife made all types of things and the kids would eat everything. Don't even remember fighting about it. She started giving them different foods when they were very young. They just got used to it. We encouraged them to eat a proper portion but there was no forcing to finish. 

We are spoiled. My wife will now make Quinua for herself and the girls and rice for my son and I. Mushrooms are eaten by my wife and I and one child. The other two don't like them. When I barbecue steak I often also barbecue Salmon or Chicken for my daughter as she doesn't care for steak. Sometimes with pasta my wife will make both a ground beef and ground turkey sauce. Tons of examples where not everyone has the same tastes and if it isn't too much work, we try to accomodate everyone.


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## VermisciousKnid

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't think making them mask flavors with ketchup or salt is a recipe for healthy eating.
> 
> While I agree one should be grateful, steamed vegetables have a lovely delicate flavor. I don't feel the need to mask it. Seasonings can enhance that which others find bland, but I would find it just as rude to cover up foods with condiments. A pinch of salt or pepper or a pat of butter, sure.
> 
> I understand if they don't like it that way, but ketchup is full of sugar and salt - both additives that should be used in small amounts in the American diet. No need to encourage a lifestyle that will lead to high blood pressure.


My dad used to drive my mom crazy with his overuse of ketchup and salt. Ketchup on scrambled eggs!? Come on. Salt on your cantaloupe? Come on. 

I think he was influenced by his circumstances growing up. He was one of six kids and they didn't have a lot of money so probably used strong condiments to mask the flavor of older, borderline food rather than throwing it out. 

My mom used to hide the ketchup at breakfast time. Dad was adamant about the salt though.


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## Yeswecan

lifeistooshort said:


> Brussel sprouts can kiss my butt.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly...


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## Yeswecan

happy as a clam said:


> Eat EVERYTHING on your plate??
> 
> NO TALKING during the initial scarfing down of the first course?
> 
> Sounds barbaric to me. And a recipe for chubby little children who grow up to be overweight adults.
> 
> Dinner is a time to "break bread", to revel in conversation, to discuss your day.
> 
> "Quiet children, clean your plate!!! NO talking!!! Children around the world are STARVING!"


And the beatings will continue until moral improves!!!!


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## Cara

Forcing a kid to clean their plate is dumb. Go ahead and fire at will, it is just dumb. I was raised to always clean my plate and I grew up to be a compulsive overeater.

In our house, everyone is allowed to speak throughout the whole meal. It never occurred for us to mind if the kids food got cold. The kids don't seem to care, either. These dinnertime conversations are so important in the relationship of our family, it would suck to have to wait for everyone to finish their plate to hear about their day.

Our only rule is that if you want seconds of any of the junkier stuff (which seems to be any white foods for kids, like bread, potatoes, pasta) you must finish your 1st plate. They can have all the protein and veggies they want, but are not required to finish their starch. I'd say I can count on one hand the times one of the kids has chosen not to eat in the past 8 years and gone to bed hungry. We just tell them it is alright, they can eat at breakfast.

On the few occasions they only finished their plate to get dessert, they just sucked it up and quickly ate the thing they didn't like. A gulp of milk and it is over quickly. A couple shakes of parmesan cheese or salt always helps the yucky stuff go down, easier, too. 

Once a week we have Steak Night, which is a huge production of coctails (sprite or juice for the kids), charcoal grilling giant ribeyes, red wine and always a decadent dessert. 

I think food will only be an issue if you make it an issue, excepting allergies. Maybe the fact that I sometimes give the kids a choice in what I will make for dinner ("Should I cook broccoli or asparagus tonight?") has had an effect. Who knows.


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## Mr. Nail

Having had the opportunity to feed other peoples children, I've had some interesting experiences. My kids only had a few dislikes and one outright aversion. Half the household is lactose intolerant. 

Anyhow, Apex's attitude is downright tyrannical. He has no intention of making any adjustments. In fact he came here to convince us to adopt his ridiculous rules. Which I have plenty of reason not to.

That said the worst picky eater I had to feed for a week learned to cook his favorites himself. of course it wasn't hard as he only ate four foods. (considerably less healthy than ketchup on scrambled eggs)

About the evil foods. Liver I enjoyed as a kid. Also Brussels sprouts and Lima Beans. Even my Grandmothers lentil soup. but My wife hates them and with the exception of the Lentil soup I don't miss them. The lentil soup I just buy my own can of Progresso (better than grandma's).


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## Apexmale

Mr. Nail said:


> Anyhow, Apex's attitude is downright tyrannical. He has no intention of making any adjustments. In fact he came here to convince us to adopt his ridiculous rules. Which I have plenty of reason not to.




The question remains the same: Does anyone else have similiar rules or table etiquette that stuns most other parents? 

I'm not sure where you confused yourself in assuming I was asking for change. Read the question several times if you need to. Take plenty of time. No one here will rush you.

The secondary purpose of my post is of course to gather information from opposing parents so that I know what's "trending" at the moment. Once I have an idea of what that trend is, I go against the grain. I am not trying to raise equality because humans are not born equal.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Thanks for your comment though, we all learn a little something from participation. That is why all of this is so crucial.


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## Pluto2

Apexmale said:


> The question remains the same: Does anyone else have similiar rules or table etiquette that stuns most other parents?
> 
> I'm not sure where you confused yourself in assuming I was asking for change. Read the question several times if you need to. Take plenty of time. No one here will rush you.
> 
> The secondary purpose of my post is of course to gather information from opposing parents so that I know what's "trending" at the moment. Once I have an idea of what that trend is, I go against the grain. I am not trying to raise equality because humans are not born equal.
> 
> Only dead fish go with the flow.
> 
> Thanks for your comment though, we all learn a little something from participation. That is why all of this is so crucial.


Dang, dude. This is wacked. Is your wife permitted to know of the grand scheme?


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## VermisciousKnid

Mr. Nail said:


> Having had the opportunity to feed other peoples children, I've had some interesting experiences. My kids only had a few dislikes and one outright aversion. Half the household is lactose intolerant.
> 
> Anyhow, Apex's attitude is downright tyrannical. He has no intention of making any adjustments. In fact he came here to convince us to adopt his ridiculous rules. Which I have plenty of reason not to.
> 
> That said the worst picky eater I had to feed for a week learned to cook his favorites himself. of course it wasn't hard as he only ate four foods. (considerably less healthy than ketchup on scrambled eggs)
> 
> About the evil foods. Liver I enjoyed as a kid. Also Brussels sprouts and Lima Beans. Even my Grandmothers lentil soup. but My wife hates them and with the exception of the Lentil soup I don't miss them. The lentil soup I just buy my own can of Progresso (better than grandma's).


My mom's lentil soup with knockwurst (it simmers in the soup) and a slab of buttered pumpernickel is like heaven on earth. If Progresso tasted her version they would admit defeat, close up shop, and never make another can of lentil soup again!

For best results you need a high quality knockwurst. I guess you could try it with a good quality hot dog, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be nearly as good.


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## Apexmale

Pluto2 said:


> Dang, dude. This is wacked. Is your wife permitted to know of the grand scheme?


Of course she does. I remember "Never bite the hand that feeds you".


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## lifeistooshort

Interesting. So if what's trending is not punching your kid in the face you'll punch your kid in the face go against the grain?

Doesn't sound like you're going to raise particularly well adjusted kids but whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. So if what's trending is not punching your kid in the face you'll punch your kid in the face go against the grain?
> 
> Doesn't sound like you're going to raise particularly well adjusted kids but whatever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The oldest boy is 13, A and B student and in black belt training at his MMA school. I don't have to punch the boy in the face when he gets plenty from sparring. But we're going off topic.


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## Pluto2

This is quite sick. I'm out.


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## lifeistooshort

Apexmale said:


> The oldest boy is 13, A and B student and in black belt training at his MMA school. I don't have to punch the boy in the face when he gets plenty from sparring. But we're going off topic.


Darling, you're not the only one with honor students who spar. Or with a parent who's quite successful and also spars. With her own black belt. 

Being forced to clean one's plate and not speaking at dinner isn't what produces these things. 


You have no idea what your kids will do once they're away from you. Maybe they'll be just fine. .... but you're taking a big risk. I hope it works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale

lifeistooshort said:


> Darling, you're not the only one with honor students who spar. Or with a parent who's quite successful and also spars. With her own black belt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I know, there are lots of students at his school. But you are the one who brought up face punching.

I was talking foods and table rules.


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## lifeistooshort

Apexmale said:


> I know, there are lots of students at his school. But you are the one who brought up face punching.
> 
> I was talking foods and table rules.


Well you said you go against the grain, not that you do what you think is the right thing. I was challenging that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl

Wait...you're supposed to feed your kids?!?


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## Apexmale

EnigmaGirl said:


> Wait...you're supposed to feed your kids?!?


Well its the thought that counts right?


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## Hardtohandle

Single dad here with custody of my 2 boys.. 

My mom helps by cooking for them from time to time and just makes sure all is good with them during the day.. I can cook, but not much of a cook honestly.. At this stage in my life I believe my kids sole and only job is to do good in school.. Do good in school and I will give you want you need and want when I can afford it.. Fvck up and you get sh!t.. Beyond that as long as they are not eating potato chips for dinner I don't care... 

All I want is my kids to be healthy productive members of society and respect the laws of our society and those that enforce it.. Do not bring shame to yourself or your family..


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## T&T

Apexmale,

When kids are young sometimes they eat so little you wonder how they survive. Toddlers...

Then, they start growing and act like they've never seen food before. Teens...

Their body knows how much it needs and making them finish their plates is bad practice IMHO. Be careful. 

Eat what you take is a better motto. 

You don't want to hear what you're doing may not be in their best interest, but it isn't.


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## Hardtohandle

T&T said:


> Then, they start growing and act like they've never seen food before. Teens...


My 15 year old is like that.. 

There are days he hardly eats and then there are days he eats 5 hard boiled eggs, waffles and whatever else he could grab..


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## lifeistooshort

Hardtohandle said:


> My 15 year old is like that..
> 
> There are days he hardly eats and then there are days he eats 5 hard boiled eggs, waffles and whatever else he could grab..


 My 14 year old comes downstairs and asks for food. Nothing in particular, just food. He's tall and thin but also muscular. 

It can seem like eats a lot but he doesn't snack much.....i think snacking is a bad habit so I encourage meal time. And I don't allow food in bedrooms so they have to ger off the computer, come downstairs and eat. As a result they don't bother.

He pretty much eats anything. ...fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, whatever. As long as it's food. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T

Nutrition expert: Kids shouldn't be forced to clean their plates


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## Apexmale

T&T said:


> Nutrition expert: Kids shouldn't be forced to clean their plates


This addresses kids who are already full. We don't serve dinner portions that result in fullness so we can leave the option for dessert open. Sometimes they ask for seconds and sometimes just go on to dessert.

What first portions my wife does serve though, have to be finished.


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## T&T

Apexmale,

Click on the links inside the article and read what they have to say. 

Kids can regulate how much food they need.


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## Apexmale

T&T said:


> Apexmale,
> 
> Click on the links inside the article and read what they have to say.
> 
> Kids can regulate how much food they need.


I had a hard time looking away from the burger, fries, and onion rings on the front page!


Ofcouse I don't live in France but I thought this story was funny from bottom section of the article:

Charles and Louise, children in the 1850s in Nancy, France, ate at a table in the downstairs kitchen until it was decided that they were old enough to eat with their parents in the dining room upstairs. The catch was that the children had to stand up at the table to eat! Their father, who evidently said nothing in face of his wife's attitudes, was a cabinet maker who also made coffins.

Louise would not eat the stewed carrots she was given. She was sent upstairs without her supper. She came downstairs for breakfast. There were the carrots, reheated. She would not eat them. She was sent to school without breakfast. She fainted in school and was sent home. The carrots were placed in front of her. She ate them. From then on she never refused to eat anything that was put before her.

Was Louise also forced to clean her plate? Truthfully, that is one fact that has not come down with the rest of the stories. (I would not doubt it, though, that "clean the plate" was part of the regimen, too.)

Read more:*http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/355871#ixzz3iYghk2wr


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## happy as a clam

Apex, I noticed you're a relative newbie. Very interesting that you come to a marriage forum to discuss your family's dinner ritual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale

happy as a clam said:


> Apex, I noticed you're a relative newbie. Very interesting that you come to a marriage forum to discuss your family's dinner ritual.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage forum? I thought I posted this in the Family and Parenting Forum??



Your comment is off topic and the equivalent of pointing out that you joined a Marriage Forum and you aren't married.


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## RandomDude

I disagree with forcing children to finish their food.

Yet I have a parenting style that is probably just as socially unacceptable in Western society. But it works just as well, daughter doesn't want to eat, ok sure. If she wakes up in the middle of the night don't expect me to cook for her even if she is starving. In the end my daughter has learnt the wisdom behind eating on time, rather than waiting until she's hungry.

Simple action and consequence parenting.


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## Holland

RandomDude said:


> I disagree with forcing children to finish their food.
> 
> Yet I have a parenting style that is probably just as socially unacceptable in Western society. But it works just as well, daughter doesn't want to eat, ok sure. If she wakes up in the middle of the night don't expect me to cook for her even if she is starving. In the end my daughter has learnt the wisdom behind eating on time, rather than waiting until she's hungry.
> 
> *Simple action and consequence parenting*.


Totally agree. Kids learn a much better lesson through natural consequences than tyranny. Don't eat and then you are hungry later, well next time eat your dinner. Stay up too late and then can't get up in the morning, well next time go to bed at a reasonable time. Be rude to me and then expect me to drive you to the train instead of catching the bus, sorry next time don't be so rude and I will happily drive you to the train.


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## RandomDude

Wow... I didn't get flamed, I thought some folks would go "you let your daughter starve? OMG OMG" lol

+1 Holland


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## NobodySpecial

RandomDude said:


> Wow... I didn't get flamed, I thought some folks would go "you let your daughter starve? OMG OMG" lol
> 
> +1 Holland


Starving is what happens when access to food is so limited life is threatened. Starving is not what happens when someone chooses not to eat the food that is available. That's my opinion. I will never get the freak out about food and meal times. I think the whole thing is brought on by excessive availability. People are also animals with instinct to survive. As my pediatrician was fond of saying, no one ever starved to death on Brussels sprout island.


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## NotEasy

I was brought up with the clean the plate rule, even sometimes wiped up the gravy with a slice of bread.

We weren't repeating that. Now we have an asian style table, with large plates of food in the center that everyone uses to fill their bowl. So the rule is if you put it in your bowl you eat it. Otherwise you wait for the next meal. "Action and consequence" is a good way to describe it. 

Everyone is expected to try new foods at least once. Our daughter learnt to take small tests of new dishes. She also learnt to put things she didn't like into my bowl, a clever way to play the rules.

Brussel sprouts are brilliant, when cooked right. They are horrid when over-cooked, sorry mum. 

But the no talking at the table is the reverse of our rules. We expect talking at the table.


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## coffee4me

RandomDude said:


> I disagree with forcing children to finish their food.
> 
> Yet I have a parenting style that is probably just as socially unacceptable in Western society. But it works just as well, daughter doesn't want to eat, ok sure. If she wakes up in the middle of the night don't expect me to cook for her even if she is starving. In the end my daughter has learnt the wisdom behind eating on time, rather than waiting until she's hungry.
> 
> Simple action and consequence parenting.



I'm right there with you in the socially unacceptable parenting. We haven't had dinner time since I can't remember when. My kids activities always interfere with set meal times. I cook a meal in the middle of the day. If they don't like what I made they cook something for themselves. 

Everybody eats when they are hungry or when they get home. Last years schedule: My daughter would eat her dinner at 3:30 when she gets home from school and grab a snack after practice at 9 pm or eat another dinner. My son ate dinner after practice at 7:30. My daughter is a grazer and my son eats 2 meals a day. They snack when they want but we don't have things like chips, sodas, candy or surgery treats in the house. They both know to keep the sodium and sugar consumption low. 

We simply don't live our lives around food. It's probably because I was raised this way. You don't live to eat, you eat to live. So eat something when you are hungry and get on with your day.


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## Anonymous07

Apexmale said:


> They are served small portions, we don't make it impossible to finish. If the kids say they aren't hungry, are you saying they should be excused from the table?


Yes. I would never force my son to finish his food if he is not hungry. If he says he is done, I let him be excused and he goes off and plays. I don't want him to develop bad habits and over eat when he is not hungry. I think that is cruel. 

I only make one meal for everyone and my son has eaten everything we eat from the time he was 9 months old(just tore it up into tiny pieces - baby led weaning). He's a good eater and likes a variety of foods. We all talk during dinner and I wouldn't ever think to make everyone be quiet until a second serving. Dinner time is family time. We laugh, talk, make funny faces. It's really nice. It was like that growing up for myself and my husband and we want the same for our own family.


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## Apexmale

NotEasy said:


> I was brought up with the clean the plate rule, even sometimes wiped up the gravy with a slice of bread. Now we have an asian style table, with large plates of food in the center that everyone uses to fill their bowl. So the rule is if you put it in your bowl you eat it. Otherwise you wait for the next meal.





Good idea.


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## karole

I'm thankful that my daughter was never a picky eater. She was eating raw oysters with her dad with a little horseradish on them when she was 6 years old! Anybody that can eat those things will eat just about anything in my opinion. She loved it though and would try just about anything once to see if she liked it. We just always gave her whatever we were eating and if she liked it fine and if she didn't that was fine too. Never forced her to eat anything. 

Dinner time was the one time of the day we all had together, so we didn't restrict talking at the table. We enjoyed our meal and enjoyed our time together. Not saying you are wrong OP, to each their own I supposed.


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## Lila

Apexmale said:


> I am seeing it more and more. We visit friends or relatives for dinner and those who have children are serving them a different dish then what the adults are served. The reason is that the child/children don't like what was made for the adults so they get something they will eat.
> 
> With my kids, I have different house rules and I'm sure I will catch hell for it in a few after this is posted.
> 
> The only time the child chooses what they get to eat is when they are paying for it. My wife spends a lot of time preparing a meal and the children are required to eat what their mother has prepared. They will not be served differently. Additionally, the kids can't speak until they have finished thier first serving, after that they can tell us everything they want and ask for seconds if they chose. Our oldest use to talk so much at the table that his food would get cold, then struggle to finish it. So table rules where the result and when it comes to rules... parents nowadays think children should be "free".
> 
> Does anyone else have similiar rules or table ettiquete that stuns most other parents?


We treat dinner time very differently than you do...but where I live our system is considered a bit strange. 

We collectively make up the menu once a week on Saturdays (that's our grocery shopping day). We each get to select 2 meals and we each get a veto. There are two rules: 1) we each respect the others' choices; 2) son helps to prepare the meals. Surprisingly this method has improved my son's attitude at dinner time. He's just as vested in the success of the meal as am I or his father. 

Does my son eat everything that we cook? No, but that's the exception not the norm. We try to stick to meals the whole family enjoys. I will occasionally prepare something new and he is expected to at least try it before declining. There are also foods that I know my son won't eat but that H and I enjoy. For example, my son hates shrimp/lobster/crawfish dishes (strangely he loves crab and mussels) but H will request them regularly. On the days when I prepare something new or it's a meal I know he doesn't like, I prepare a salad with all the toppings as a side which just happens to be son's favorite go to meal.

As far as dinnertime rules, we have few: 1) sit in your chair throughout; 2) use your utensils; 3) don't speak with your mouth full; 4) Critiquing the meal is acceptable as long as words like icky, yuk, gross, etc...are not used. Instead we encourage our son to describe texture and flavors. 

We consider dinner time to be a time for reconnecting with family. Lively discussions, laughter, and even singing (we usually have music playing the background) over what is hopefully a good meal are all a part of our dinners. I can't imagine sitting quietly hearing only the sounds of cutlery gently tapping the plates, chewing, and swallowing. But I'm sure there are some where laughter and singing at the table would be heresy. To each their own.


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## NobodySpecial

Lila said:


> We treat dinner time very differently than you do...but where I live our system is considered a bit strange.
> 
> We collectively make up the menu once a week on Saturdays (that's our grocery shopping day). We each get to select 2 meals and we each get a veto. There are two rules: 1) we each respect the others' choices; 2) son helps to prepare the meals. Surprisingly this method has improved my son's attitude at dinner time. He's just as vested in the success of the meal as am I or his father.


We did something similar when the kids were smaller. I think you just motivated me to start again! Dinner prep time was as much fun as dinner.



> Does my son eat everything that we cook? No, but that's the exception not the norm. We try to stick to meals the whole family enjoys. I will occasionally prepare something new and he is expected to at least try it before declining. There are also foods that I know my son won't eat but that H and I enjoy. For example, my son hates shrimp/lobster/crawfish dishes (strangely he loves crab and mussels) but H will request them regularly. On the days when I prepare something new or it's a meal I know he doesn't like, I prepare a salad with all the toppings as a side which just happens to be son's favorite go to meal.
> 
> As far as dinnertime rules, we have few: 1) sit in your chair throughout; 2) use your utensils; 3) don't speak with your mouth full; 4) Critiquing the meal is acceptable as long as words like icky, yuk, gross, etc...are not used. Instead we encourage our son to describe texture and flavors.
> 
> We consider dinner time to be a time for reconnecting with family. Lively discussions, laughter, and even singing (we usually have music playing the background) over what is hopefully a good meal are all a part of our dinners. I can't imagine sitting quietly hearing only the sounds of cutlery gently tapping the plates, chewing, and swallowing. But I'm sure there are some where laughter and singing at the table would be heresy. To each their own.


Love it, Lila!


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## NotEasy

Just remembered another rule of ours "if my wife puts it in your bowl you eat it". 

I thought the rule was "if mum or dad ...", but my daughter mutinied when I put something she didn't like in her bowl. Something about it being mummy's job.

One of our favourite family outings in Yum Cha. Don't know if others call it YumCha, or how to spell it. It is a chinese restaurant with many small bowls brought around on carts, you pick what you like. Sort of like a sushi-train, but with carts. So I loath some foods there, especially chicken feet. I have tried it three times, but never again. My daughter and wife love chicken feet and both tease me that "if mummy puts it in your bowl you have to eat it".


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## EnjoliWoman

I know I've put this elsewhere but sort of to Lila's point, I make a list of all of the meals on one side of a dry erase board on the fridge and a shopping list on the other side. As ingredients are used up, I add them to the shopping list so we always have pantry staples and regular items. (And before shopping I take a photo of the list on my phone.)

As mentioned, some foods aren't well-liked by her. Others are favorites. Usually at night I decide which of those meals I'll make and I take the day into consideration. Is time tight? Then one of the quicker to prepare meals is made. Did she have a really bad day? Then I'm not going to add more stress by foisting a new recipe on her or something she REALLY doesn't like. A normal, happy day? Maybe that's the day I try something new or something I really like but she doesn't care for. Or sometimes she'll ask for something that is on the list of meals.

Point being I take her mood into consideration - I don't want to add an unpleasant meal experience onto an unpleasant day but if things are good, that's a day for experimentation. (And discover she doesn't like mango curried chicken. Bummer.)


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## Fozzy

If my kids don't like what I make:

My oldest goes to the kitchen, grabs a pan and scrambles an egg for herself, then cleans up afterward.

My middle goes to the kitchen and makes herself a peanut butter sandwich, then cleans up after i prompt her to.

My youngest one is S.O.L.


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## Fozzy

NotEasy said:


> Just remembered another rule of ours "if my wife puts it in your bowl you eat it".
> 
> I thought the rule was "if mum or dad ...", but my daughter mutinied when I put something she didn't like in her bowl. Something about it being mummy's job.
> 
> One of our favourite family outings in Yum Cha. Don't know if others call it YumCha, or how to spell it. It is a chinese restaurant with many small bowls brought around on carts, you pick what you like. Sort of like a sushi-train, but with carts. So I loath some foods there, especially chicken feet. I have tried it three times, but never again. My daughter and wife love chicken feet and both tease me that "if mummy puts it in your bowl you have to eat it".


Sounds like Dim Sum.


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## CantePe

Apexmale said:


> Lol... we have 3 toy Chihuahua's and they spend time outside during our dinner. Even if they were inside, they couldn't eat much of any tossed morsels.


That is not the way to teach your dogs to behave during human meals. Mine know better than to come anywhere near the dinner table unless they have been invited to it. Usually after the meal is done and I'll give them dog appropriate scraps from the meal we've had.

One of my dogs doesn't even budge from his spot in the living room until he is told he can have it and even then he waits until it has been put in front of him.

I can safely leave a whole steak in front of his nose, walk away and he won't touch it. A stick on the other hand...well he is stupid crazy for sticks. lol

Removing a dog from a situation teaches them nothing about what our expectations are within that situation.

As for the original post.

My kids eat what they are served. They try something at least once but not being able to talk before their first serving is eaten is a bit much. Teaches nothing about consequences. Talk and your food gets cold, eat it cold or get up and reheat the meal.

I give a variety on the table to choose from (not excessively, a few food items like veggies, bread, etc. Main meal is already on their plate). Then, what works for one house hold may not work for another.


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## NobodySpecial

flipflops said:


> In our house, if you don't like what's in front of you, then don't eat it. However, if you don't eat it, you'll find it in front of you for the next meal.



I guess I have never really understood the point of this. Is this to make sure you win the battle of wills? I don't see why anyone would battle over food.


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## GTdad

I was subjected to the "eat everything on your plate before you leave the table" thing as a kid. It got pretty damn traumatic at times. I still remember agonizing over a serving of asparagus for close to three hours. I'm violently opposed to asparagus to this day.

I'm not going to die on that hill. We have a bunch of kids with a wide variety of tastes. I want them to at least try everything, but if they don't want to eat it, they're free to make a sandwich as long as they clean up after themselves.

Life's too short.

ETA: we have chickens and dogs to handle leftovers. Nothing ultimately goes to waste.


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## arbitrator

GTdad said:


> I was subjected to the "eat everything on your plate before you leave the table" thing as a kid. It got pretty damn traumatic at times. I still remember agonizing over a serving of asparagus for close to three hours. I'm violently opposed to asparagus to this day.
> 
> I'm not going to die on that hill. We have a bunch of kids with a wide variety of tastes. I want them to at least try everything, but if they don't want to eat it, they're free to make a sandwich as long as they clean up after themselves.
> 
> Life's too short.
> 
> ETA: we have chickens and dogs to handle leftovers. Nothing ultimately goes to waste.


*The same here, GT!

But I really think that a lot of this stems from the "Depression Mentality" adopted by our parents and other survivors of The Great Depression who were insufficienctly nourished to the point that nothing was ever thrown out and had to be consumed!

This mentality was thus conveyed down to their children... And so on and so on, even to this very day for some of them!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy

GTdad said:


> I was subjected to the "eat everything on your plate before you leave the table" thing as a kid. It got pretty damn traumatic at times. I still remember agonizing over a serving of asparagus for close to three hours. I'm violently opposed to asparagus to this day.
> 
> I'm not going to die on that hill. We have a bunch of kids with a wide variety of tastes. I want them to at least try everything, but if they don't want to eat it, they're free to make a sandwich as long as they clean up after themselves.
> 
> Life's too short.
> 
> ETA: we have chickens and dogs to handle leftovers. Nothing ultimately goes to waste.


Forcing a kid to eat something they don't want creates an aversion that can last a lifetime. I hated asparagus as a kid to. Now I love it. Same with spinach. Same with onions. The reason I can eat stuff now I think is that I wasn't forced to then. I grew into it instead of putting up a wall against it.


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## Fozzy

arbitrator said:


> *The same here, GT!
> 
> But I really think that a lot of this stems from the "Depression Mentality" adopted by our parents and other survivors of The Great Depression who were insufficienctly nourished to the point that nothing was ever thrown out and had to be consumed!
> *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Slightly off-topic, but there's a fantastic youtube series by a 90 some year old lady named Clara demonstrating Depression-era recipes.

Yum.


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## NobodySpecial

Fozzy said:


> Forcing a kid to eat something they don't want creates an aversion that can last a lifetime. I hated asparagus as a kid to. Now I love it. Same with spinach. Same with onions. The reason I can eat stuff now I think is that I wasn't forced to then. I grew into it instead of putting up a wall against it.


It won't *always*. I was forced to eat all sorts of nasty stuff that I hated that I now like. But the risk you mention is spot on. There is no good reason for it.


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## turnera

luvinhim said:


> I am a mother who believes in discipling children, but I never got
> too caught up with the food fights between children and parents. I remember having to eat things I hated as a child and we secretly threw away so much food.
> 
> I typically serve meals that everyone enjoys so there is not fighting about food. I do suggest that you at least try something one time and then you can declare your hatred for it


Our rule was DD had to TRY everything on the plate. At least one bite. Kids don't need that many calories anyway, so even one bite of each item will give them enough food, assuming there's at least one thing on the plate they like. And if she refused to eat dinner, she went to bed without food. Her dad tried to sneak her a pb&j now and then but I caught him and put a stop to it. He literally thought (from his own mom) that she would get sick if she didn't eat dinner.

Today, she will eat anything.

My SIL raised a son on McDonalds. Literally. He ate nuggets and burgers and fries nearly every single day, because he 'said' he didn't like anything else. Big surprise, since she then drove him to McDonalds. Today, he's a neurotic, unhealthy, mess because he grew up thinking he had to be capitulated to.


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## NotEasy

Fozzy said:


> Forcing a kid to eat something they don't want creates an aversion that can last a lifetime. I hated asparagus as a kid to. Now I love it. Same with spinach. Same with onions. The reason I can eat stuff now I think is that I wasn't forced to then. I grew into it instead of putting up a wall against it.


Me too with asparagus. I remember asparagus as either green string that can't be chewed without lodging between your teeth or soft canned mush that doesn't need teeth to eat. I only ate it because I had to.
Years later my father convinced me to try some that he had grown. It was brilliant. I went back to the shops and found they still sold green stuff with string or canned mush. I want a garden.

Spinach was always great, especially in a pie or quiche.

And onions pickled with grapes are a delicacy that I used to explain to my daughter why she should try all foods once. Until you have tried them you will never believe how good they taste. No TV ad is ever going to promote them. They are a hand made country specialty. The grapes give the onions sweetness, the onions stop the grapes being sickly sweet, the pickling mellows them both.


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## Fozzy

NotEasy said:


> And onions pickled with grapes are a delicacy that I used to explain to my daughter why she should try all foods once. Until you have tried them you will never believe how good they taste. No TV ad is ever going to promote them. They are a hand made country specialty. The grapes give the onions sweetness, the onions stop the grapes being sickly sweet, the pickling mellows them both.


I'm horrified and fascinated at the same time.


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## NotEasy

Fozzy said:


> I'm horrified and fascinated at the same time.


Horrified and fascinated is the correct response. I got that response from my daughter too. She was old enough that I could describe it to her and get her fascinated. She had already tried and disliked shop bought pickled onions and tried my pickled onions, "they are OK dad, but...". But the idea that grapes could make them sweeter was fascinating. Sadly this example only works with an older child. When younger she would have just been horrified.

If not forced to eat them a first time I would never have learnt. When done well they are brilliant. Sadly they are such a rare treat. It needs special large grapes with strong taste, small onions with texture and not too much pickling. I have only had them done well a few times. I failed when I tried to make them.


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## Mrs.K

OP- You seem to just want to stir up a parenting war here. Why do you care what the latest trend is? With parenting I have always found if I do what feels right for my family then I could care less what anyone else is doing! Works for me!

I am the opposite of most here. If I am making something that I know some in the house don't like I will provide them with another choice. It's just food. Me, my husband and oldest are not picky eaters my little 2 are and I have no interest in making them go hungry. They are the type that if they don't like it, they simply wouldn't eat it no matter how hungry they are.

On Sunday's I cook and freeze small portions of things I know they will eat and enjoy. With all meals I put out a fruit and veggie tray. Everyone serves themselves. Who am I to tell them how much they want?? The little 2 use teaspoons to serve themselves, as I discourage waste.

My kids are all well behaved, well mannered and food battles are a low priority for me! They are so picky that when we eat at someone's house I bring them food so we don't waste theirs. I've never had someone be offended by this.


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## Mrs.Submission

Openminded said:


> I'm from a more strict generation and the general rule was children ate what adults did, in smaller portion sizes, and that included everything on their plates. On rare occasions, they might be excused from the table without eating but if that happened they got nothing to eat until the next meal.


This. My parents were military strict and we had to eat everything that was served. We had to sit at the table for the whole day until we finished. 

I don't have kids. I can only speak from my own experience; being too strict and harsh often leads to rebellion or a distant relationship with children. I practically needed permission to blink and it just made me want to get away from my parents as soon as possible. I did not share many things with my parents because I feared and resented them too much.


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## Boottothehead

I always tell the kiddo that I want her to be the one parents point to and say,"why can't you be more like her?" when it comes to manners. She is a good eater, and likes things like radishes and raw mushrooms. She has never liked applesauce, so we don't feed her that. We insist that she at least try new foods when we fix them, but if she doesn't like them, one of us will usually finish her portion. However, if she doesn't eat at least two bites, then no dessert. She is expected to help set the table and clear the dishes, and to use her napkin during the meal. She helps with the grocery shopping and meal planning when she is here (and not at her mom's house), and that helps with making sure the menus include things we all like or want to try.
I think we got pretty lucky with our kiddo, and that's why we don't mind the few times when she really doesn't want to eat what we're having. In those cases, her dad fixes her leftovers, or she can have a sandwich.


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## Apexmale

Mrs.Submission said:


> This. My parents were military strict and we had to eat everything that was served. We had to sit at the table for the whole day until we finished.
> 
> I don't have kids. I can only speak from my own experience; being too strict and harsh often leads to rebellion or a distant relationship with children. I practically needed permission to blink and it just made me want to get away from my parents as soon as possible. I did not share many things with my parents because I feared and resented them too much.


It doesn't seem like your parents were doing it for thier benefit, this sounds like the goal was raising an independant child. Sounds like it worked.


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## Apexmale

Mrs.K said:


> OP- You seem to just want to stir up a parenting war here. Why do you care what the latest trend is? With parenting I have always found if I do what feels right for my family then I could care less what anyone else is doing!



I was assuming I was addressing parents. As parents, I was also assuming they are a bit more responsible and able to manage thier emotions well. If a parenting war began, then there is nothing anyone can do to promote maturity for those involved. 


My original question:

Does anyone else have similiar rules or table etiquette that stuns most other parents?

...targeted a very small portion of members here. If you didn't have "similar rules" or "similiar table etiquette", then you should have just scrolled past this posting. Everyone is always free to comment, but it's inappropriate to call me out on a question/stance that didn't pertain to your style. In any case though, I appreciate your time.


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## ocotillo

Apexmale said:


> Does anyone else have similiar rules or table ettiquete that stuns most other parents?


My children are all grown, but we did not have that rule when they were small.

--And it was precisely because my wife and I both had parents who did enforce that rule that we swore we wouldn't do it ourselves.

Maybe it's one of those alternating generation things.


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## turnera

arbitrator said:


> But I really think that a lot of this stems from the "Depression Mentality" adopted by our parents and other survivors of The Great Depression who were insufficiently nourished to the point that nothing was ever thrown out and had to be consumed!


Probably more like there just wasn't that much selection back then, and it never even occurred to people - even kids - to be picky. They didn't have supermarkets back then, and you only ate fruit that was in season, in your local area, and sugar was still a delicacy. Even in the '60s, there was only one or two varieties of anything to choose from, like cereal or bread. And going out to something like McDonalds was a once a MONTH treat - IF that often. Honestly, I remember going there twice in about 5 years.


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## Mrs.Submission

Apexmale said:


> It doesn't seem like your parents were doing it for thier benefit, this sounds like the goal was raising an independant child. Sounds like it worked.


Not really. They were very overprotective of me. 
My parents have always been rather traditional and that rubbed off on me. I was groomed to be a wife since I was quite young. 

I should add that my parents' strict parenting led to me developing healthy traits as well. As a child, I was well mannered and I earned high grades in school. I was never mixed up in drugs and sex as a teenager. I am also educated and married to a wonderful man. All of my parents' friends exclaim over what great kids they raised.


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## Apexmale

Mrs.Submission said:


> My parents have always been rather traditional and that rubbed off on me. I was groomed to be a wife since I was quite young.



Fantastic! I'm grooming my boys to be husbands early on as well, the probability they will marry is high but I know it's not a guarantee. It seems a social norm nowadays that new generations want to be mothers and fathers but not necessarily wives and husbands. Attempting both just seems like too much responsibility to them. Thumbs up to your parents. Most people in here hate that style, but it works.


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## turnera

I'd had such bad experiences with boys and men that I was determined to have 2 or 3 boys just so I could raise them to be excellent partners for some lucky women, lol.


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## Mrs.Submission

Apexmale said:


> Fantastic! I'm grooming my boys to be husbands early on as well, the probability they will marry is high but I know it's not a guarantee. It seems a social norm nowadays that new generations want to be mothers and fathers but not necessarily wives and husbands. Attempting both just seems like too much responsibility to them. Thumbs up to your parents. Most people in here hate that style, but it works.


My parents let me know that out of wedlock pregnancies were completely unacceptable. I was not allowed to date until I graduated from high school and my father hit the ceiling when I shacked up with my husband before marriage. 

My father also deeply respected my husband for adhering to his wish to ask for his daughter's hand. I didn't appreciate that because I am not chattel. I asked my dad if he was going to give my husband a dowry and some cows as well. 

I think that good things came from my parents' strict rules and I have learned to forgive them for their parenting mistakes. All parents are just normal and imperfect human beings. It is great to hear my mother brag about how her daughter was too smart to have babies without being married; many of my cousins and my parents' friends daughters have more than one child out of wedlock.

I know that because I don't have children so I shouldn't speak on parenting. However, I must say that kids have far too much power. Parents are too afraid to discipline their children for fear of hurting their feelings or their self esteem. This is why my generation has so many entitled and lazy adult children who mooch off their parents.

I know a woman whose mother bought her a house and a car; the woman has two kids and a husband who cannot keep a job. I would rather die than accept $2.00 from my parents. They did their job in raising me and now it is time for me to take care of them as much as I can. My parents wanted to help my husband and I buy our first home and I politely declined. I told my parents to keep their money for their retirement. Our house is smaller than we would like but it is ours.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Mrs.K said:


> OP- You seem to just want to stir up a parenting war here. Why do you care what the latest trend is? With parenting I have always found if I do what feels right for my family then I could care less what anyone else is doing! Works for me!
> 
> I am the opposite of most here. If I am making something that I know some in the house don't like I will provide them with another choice. It's just food. Me, my husband and oldest are not picky eaters my little 2 are and I have no interest in* making them go hungry*. They are the type that if they don't like it, they simply wouldn't eat it no matter how hungry they are.


What does "make them go hungry" even mean? I don't care what you do. I am just challenging this from an educational standpoint from the standpoint of life readiness of the people my kids will become.

When I was a kid, my parents were TOO strict, in my view. But one thing that was very beneficial was the lesson that "liking" something was not the be all of the world. When I was about 10, my aunt brought me to New York with my cousin. I was company for the cousin as the trip was largely for my aunt to visit with her friends. We visited one friend for dinner one evening. She was an older woman cooking for her friend, not us. She served liver and onions. What kid "likes" liver and onions. With the expectation and education that my parents had given me, I was able to politely and cheerfully eat one respectable dinner's worth of the meal. My cousin was... well let's say and embarrassment to her mother.

My kids are not forced to eat as I was. But we don't serve them anything special either. It is disrespectful to the cook. Everywhere we go, kids politely eat what they are served. At home, they choose to eat or not. By contrast, a lot of my friends (Mom's) will get up and prepare something else for their kids at our house. Or they carry their kids food everywhere they go. How prepared are those kids to face adult social situations, or god forbid, privation? I would rather that if my kids ever have to face privation that they don't have the added stress of having the expectation that they have to "like" every bit of sustenance that they consume.

Now to be fair, parents are under the same constriction. I HATE most bean based stews. HATE. My husband LOVES red beans and rice. So I cook red beans and rice sometimes. I eat just enough to consider myself fed for that meal and not one stitch more. I HATE pizza. I am not going to make my family never eat pizza. So we make pizza. I eat pizza.

Anyway that is my two cents. I am sure that many different ways of approaching this work out fine in the end.


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## turnera

NobodySpecial said:


> What does "make them go hungry" even mean?


It means her kids are closer to my nephew, who grew up eating McDonalds every day because he learned early on that all he had to do to get it (insert whatever food her kids want to eat) was to say 'ooh, I don't _like tha_t' and poof, something 'better' showed up in front of him. 

Kids aren't dumb.

I'm not surprised my SIL turned out that way, cos my H did, too. And if I wasn't there to ensure DD25 learned to try everything, she would have grown up on PB&Js that my H kept trying to sneak her - he, too, was afraid she'd go hungry. He even believed that she would get SICK if she didn't eat dinner for one night! Must have come from their mother. SIL just didn't have a husband who would stand up to her.

Totalitarianism doesn't work - it just raises people like me who view 'special' food as a treat, since we were denied in youth (and why I'm overweight, as I keep 'treating' myself). My earliest memory is sitting at the kitchen table all night because I wouldn't eat my peas, while my brother and parents went outside to play ball.

Keeping kids happy doesn't work either, feeding them whatever they say they want - it just raises kids who think they always have to be happy and are perennially NOT happy because they're forever seeking whatever else WILL make them happier, and because they've never experienced just being 'ok' with something. I know many many young adults who are stuck in this cycle.

The answer is to approach it logically yet thoughtfully. "I'm sure you WOULD rather have mac and cheese every day, Sally, but my job is to raise a kid who gets all her vitamins and minerals, and that means you need to eat a variety of things that keep you healthy. Maybe we'll have mac and cheese tomorrow or Sunday. But tonight it's green beans. Enjoy!"


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## NobodySpecial

turnera said:


> It means her kids are closer to my nephew, who grew up eating McDonalds every day because he learned early on that all he had to do to get it (insert whatever food her kids want to eat) was to say 'ooh, I don't _like tha_t' and poof, something 'better' showed up in front of him.
> 
> Kids aren't dumb.
> 
> I'm not surprised my SIL turned out that way, cos my H did, too. And if I wasn't there to ensure DD25 learned to try everything, she would have grown up on PB&Js that my H kept trying to sneak her - he, too, was afraid she'd go hungry. He even believed that she would get SICK if she didn't eat dinner for one night! Must have come from their mother. SIL just didn't have a husband who would stand up to her.


I was completely neurotic with my first born. My MIL, who was the only resource I had locally, was totally neurotic about whether or not he was getting "enough". Despite the fact that it was the strong pediatric recommendation, she had a hard time with breastfeeding because she could not see how many ounces he ate. He was at the top of the height and middle of the weight growth chart and doc said he was doing great, so she got over it. But once he was eating solids, it was a constant battle to "get" him to eat. It never really felt right to me. I did it at home. If he did not eat this, I gave him that. She was way worse. Does he eat this? Does he eat that? Meal time was so stressful. So I spoke with the doc. Did I already tell this? Anyway he said feed him good food and leave him the hell alone. (I paraphrase.) We did. It solved the majority of issues. 

Compare to my DD a couple of years later. We would plop food in front of her. If she did not eat it, we never noticed. It is good that 2 kids are harder to notice every detail. She is our adventurous eater. She will eat ANYTHING from Indian and Thai, sushi, sneaker cheese, salad, veggies, fruit, weird organ meat...




> Totalitarianism doesn't work - it just raises people like me who view 'special' food as a treat, since we were denied in youth (and why I'm overweight, as I keep 'treating' myself).


I think that can be true. Totalitarianism for us was Thou Shalt Eat Your Dinner or get the belt. BUT we did not have a lot of food, so you came to the table hungry. So I think that allowed most of us to escape that rebellion thing. And treats were not denied on principle. Treats were available as budget permitted.




> My earliest memory is sitting at the kitchen table all night because I wouldn't eat my peas, while my brother and parents went outside to play ball.


Oh. I remember getting the timer put on me to finish my liver. I was stuffing it in my face to avoid the belt. My Dad was such a lame spanker, I was really motivated to not MAKE him have to hit me. He hated doing that.



> Keeping kids happy doesn't work either, feeding them whatever they say they want - it just raises kids who think they always have to be happy and are perennially NOT happy because they're forever seeking whatever else WILL make them happier, and because they've never experienced just being 'ok' with something. I know many many young adults who are stuck in this cycle.


And also that small things can make or break happiness. I mean, happy? Happy is a big picture thing. Not a what you have for dinner thing. One should learn not to let the little stuff crush your happiness.



> The answer is to approach it logically yet thoughtfully. "I'm sure you WOULD rather have mac and cheese every day, Sally, but my job is to raise a kid who gets all her vitamins and minerals, and that means you need to eat a variety of things that keep you healthy. Maybe we'll have mac and cheese tomorrow or Sunday. But tonight it's green beans. Enjoy!"


Yup.


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## Quigster

Coming into the discussion a little late, but I've never been accused of being perpetually punctual.

As a child, I was raised with the rule that I must eat everything on my plate and it haunts me to this day. As a result, I am a few pounds overweight and I struggle daily with the idea of wasting food. If I'm full, I'll continue eating because I hate the idea of throwing food away. If my kids don't finish a meal, sometimes I will eat the rest so it's being consumed instead of wasted. The way I was raised is so strongly ingrained in me that I have trouble leaving even a single bite behind.

Sometimes I get angry that restaurant portions are so large, because that sends the message to me, "This is how much we expect you to eat." I will often take leftovers home, but always with the understanding that whatever's in that styofoam box will be my next meal. I understand on an intellectual level that I don't "have to" behave this way, but it's so difficult for me to break free. It's a visceral response.

Needless to say, I will not subject my kids to this. I will serve them food and encourage them to eat. If they don't want it, that's their right. But it also means no dessert and no additional snacks until the next mealtime. 

The only rule I absolutely insist on is trying new foods. They need to take at least one bite (and a "bite" is defined here as a reasonably sizeable morsel that they must chew and swallow). If they don't like it, they don't have to eat any more. My son, in particular, has inadvertantly discovered many new foods that he likes this way.


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## oddball

Interesting discussion. We are strict around food, in that what is made has taken effort, and was made to ensure a healthy diet. Having said that, if one of the 3 don't want it, that's there choice. But no alternatives are available.

We also discovered when they were little that their tastes change. So we continued to reintroduce foods that had been rejected.

My wifes sister was anorexic - so we are very careful about forcing food - and with my teenage daughters we are careful about ensuring they eat enough in a time of body image crises!

Today they eat anything. They are open to trying foods. They have definite preferences, but they are adventurous eaters
The dinner table is a time to talk.


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## turnera

Tastes DO change. I've watched DD24 change tastes at least 5 times. She's always welcome to try anything. Once she became an adult, she was free to get off her butt and make something else, but it wasn't going to be ME who would put in extra effort. Today, she tries everything.


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## oddball

My oldest daughter is wanting to become a vegetarian now for political and environmental reasons. I support her expression of her beliefs in her food choices. I have agreed we would accomodate her meals separately - but when I explained she would need increased protein from spinach and lentils and beans she lost her political enthusiasm. She also would need to give up bacon - so she is wavering now Lol!


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## turnera

And SHE should be responsible for MEETING those increased needs for protein. Not your job.


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