# What should I do?



## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

My husband announced on our 7 year wedding anniversary (after 10 total years together) that he doesn't feel that he is in love with me anymore and he thinks he wants out of the marriage. He is not sure he wants to divorce yet. He would rather separate. The problem is, he is unemployed and has no money to go live anywhere else. So he's sleeping on our couch and all does everything in his power to avoid me during the day. He will go drive around aimlessly or hang out with friends. He comes home just in time for dinner. Then he will spend a little bit of time with the kids until they go to bed. After that he's out for the night. I have no idea where he goes or what he's doing (he says he's with friends and he has sworn up and down that he's not cheating on me). He will come home in the middle of the night or not at all. And then the next morning will shower here and head out to do it all over again. We have just started MC but have yet to do a joint counseling session. Many people have told me to just kick him out, he'll find a couch if he needs one. But a few have told me to just be kind and loving and maybe things will turn around. I'm so confused Any advice would be appreciated!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hello Jdb3. That is a hard situation and very similar to mine. 

My wife decided to separate as well, but she went straight to a hotel and put it on her credit card. No sofa was considered. She does not work either as she is a full time student, but we were able to divide our savings to get her started, and I am now paying her some support each month.

Plenty of people also told me to cut her off and do the tough love thing, but I did not feel that was appropriate. That would just push her into retaliating and making a decision to divorce in self defense.

MC is definitely the next step and I am happy you have that on the radar. Once you are talking in an open environment maybe he will be able to discuss WHY he feels this way, and what he wants. Between now and then I would prepare yourself for things to get worse before they get better. At some point he will likely realize he would be more comfortable at a friends house, or with family. OR you may realize that him staying there is just too much.

Read up on the going through separation threads. I am sure the TAM family will be able to give you some feedback.

Best of luck.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Thank you Oak. I felt so lost before I found these forums. I am amazed to find so many people in similar or equally heartbreaking situations. Some days I look around and feel like everyone else is still happily married except me  But you all have definitely helped me feel a little stronger even on my darkest days. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. It would definitely be easier if he would just go someplace else while we are "separated". But I just cant bring myself to kick him out yet.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Honestly, I think your best shot of resolving anything is to force him to truly "separate". 

I mean, from what you're describing, I wish I could be separated from you right now! I could sleep in, hang out all day until my dinner is cooked for me, then take off again to go do whatever I feel like until I'm ready to crash....and somebody else pays for it all! I think I could get used to a "separation" like that! I'm joking of course, but seriously, look at the situation he's managed to create for himself here.

I'm guessing it's going to take him quite a while to come to any "conclusions" the way things are set up now. But one thing is sure, it doesn't sound at all like he's looking for work or doing anything to improve his situation. So of course he's pushing for "separation" instead of divorce, since he's probably pretty sure he won't get kicked out if he's dangling reconciliation in front of you. He's got it better than being actually married or actually single, if you think about it. No responsibility TO you and no responsibility FOR himself. 

I wouldn't say you have to kick him out stone cold, but you could create some much clearer boundaries. For example, if he's going to stay in your house, he needs to contribute somehow. Or he can't stay in the house, but you'll provide some sort of allowance for a determined amount of time until he's on his feet. There's a lot of options, really. 

What I'm guessing won't work is lying around like a doormat waiting for him to decide that he wants to participate in the family again-I'm guessing that's not too likely to happen given the deal he has now. 

I know this is an incredibly painful thing and that these are hard decisions, but from the outside looking in, not only is there the understandably difficult issue of the separation, but he's clearly taking blatant advantage of you in the meantime. It's not all that black and white, really. You can be loving and create appropriate boundaries at the same time. And I'm guessing that if you have kids, you already know how to do that, just apply those principles to the grown-ups too!


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

COGypsy you are right. And very well put! I guess I am just afraid that later I will look like the bad guy because I "kicked him out". Not to mention the thought of being alone with the 3 kids on a daily basis is truly terrifying. I've only ever been a mother with a very supportive husband by my side (well up until now that is). Being a single mother is something that I never dreamed I would be...and it's a scary thought.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It sounds like you're a bit off in your math--right now you're a single mom to *4* kids. Once he makes a choice, one way or another, you're back to mothering the 3 who really need it!

I think a lot of times, women have this inordinate fear of being the "bad guy" if they do anything at all to stand up for their own interests. Frankly though, do you think most men you know would settle for an arrangement like this, without requiring space or housework or something? would they indefinitely support someone while they chilled out, didn't work and tried to decide if they loved them--just so they wouldn't "look mean"? You deserve just as much respect, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Believe me! You are(will not be) the "bad guy." I'm sorry to say, but as a man, your husband is a poor example of what a man REALLY is. I think only teenagers display that type of behavior. I don't know how spouses who are in similar situations put up with sooo much BS from cheating spouses. UN-FREAK'IN-BELIEVABLE.


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