# Despair - Wife wants time apart, what do i do?



## Rob1980

Hi all, and thanks for reading - First time poster! I have found this forum very comforting and enlightening but would love some perspective / advice on my siutation.

OK, well I have been married for 6 years (together for 11 years), our relationship hasnt been the greatest but I know how I feel about my wife - I love her! Well 2 nights ago my wife told me she wanted to go stay at her parents for a couple of weeks to figure out if she wanted to be in a relationship with me - it knocked me sidewards. Now I knew something was up as my wife was withdrawn and didnt want to talk so I was expecting something but not that!

Our history has been rocky - I met someone online about 2 years into our relationship (before we where married), it was sex chat nothing more - didnt meet her. Yes i was wrong and i deeply regret this, I think my wife lost some respect for me which she never got back. I accept that was totally my fault. However we got through it and eventually got married.

Little did i know my wife had met a guy on line before we got married but still proceeded with the wedding. about 2 weeks after we where married she dropped a bomb shell and said she needed time apart - this was due to the guy she met online. After a week apart which wasnt really time apart as I met up with her several times - she moved back home with me. All things where going well until 6 months ago when she admitted to me she had started talking to her online "friend" again and it got quite serious. She appologies and i eventually got over it. But deep down i think we both knew something was wrong for her to do that - yes she accepts responsibility for it, but in a way so do i. It takes 2 for a marrage to work and it obviously isnt.

So a few months go by, and we are now at the stage where my wife tells me she is going to go stay at her parents for 2 weeks. I am totally distraught - cannot eat anything, cannt sleep without sleep aids, cant work propperly, constantly tearing up and scared to death the love of my live is going to leave me. Yes i know we have problems but that doesnt change the fact that I love her to death. I have made 1 positive move, I have contacted a marraige counciling service which I can go see on my own to discuss how I am feeling - and if my wife wanted to the option is there for her to come although I dont think she wants to even consider that right now.

Now as I have said, I am equally to blame, I know I am. I admit I have neglected my wifes emotional needs at time, I havent paid her the attention she deserves as I work a lot during the week and I drive her to her jobs of a weekend. I never had a high sex drive like she did, so yes I am equally to blame here but it doesnt change the way I feel about her - I love her so much, and her family.

To make matters worse, 4 weeks ago I signed a contract with a housing developer for a new 3 bed house and paid a big deposit which I cannot get out of. We bought a family house, which was supposed to be for our family and now I cannot get out of it. I am not a very social person, dont have many friends as i moved away from family and friends for work and its where my wife is from. I just feel so heart broken and alone right now, what can i do to help save my marrage?

Sorry for the long post!


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## Sillyputty

Hang on rob1980 you are in for a bumpy ride. Your marriage can survive this but many things need to come together. A prof counselor can help but I would begin work immediately on *yourself.* You need to get strong on the inside, a firm resolve so to speak. Read some good self-help books, takes notes on them and set short term goals to put them into practice. Evaluate daily and try not to give in to weak moments. You have a lot at stake and you have to be strong/get strong. It is only from a position of strength/knowledge/wisdom that you will be able to lead her back home. She (and you) are in what I call "the fog" right now and one of you needs to take the lead to begin the healing. Most always it is the one who most desires to reconcile, but the last thing you should do is come across as desperate. You have admitted your wrongdoing and have apoligized, restate this to her and tell her it is painful but "yes I will give you this time honey, I need time as well to sort thru my issues." Visit here often, go to the gym, read, pray, etc., keep building your inner core and develop that firm resolve. The image you need to portray is "open to reconcile but know what sweetheart I'm a whole person and I will move on if I have to. Sometimes you have to fake-it-to-make-it at first because you are hurting but if you learn these new skills it will eventually become part of your nature. As for the deposit on the house, the timing kinda sucks but wtf real estate has always been a good investment.


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## strugglinghusband

Get a mod to move this the coping with infidelity forum..pronto
You will get responses very quickly.

read this link by Almostrecovered, take the time to read it. 
Really read it all,
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Rob you are dealing with a cheating wife, she told you about her online friend and I would bet dollars to doughnuts, she's been seeing him,/or has plans to... hence the reason for her moving out.

It may be an emotional affair and they are very damaging, get the book not just friends by Shirley Glass.

By far the very best thing you can do is, NOT beg,plead or cry in front of her, dont be a whiny doormat, it will make you look weak and needy...get it? why would she want to be be with a weak and needy man.
It dosent matter what you did in the past, you did wrong, you admitted it and apoligized and learned from it...that does not give her a free pass to do the same, you did not make her do anything, she made her own choices.

Dont tell her you are giving her time, thats the worst thing you can do, gives her time to bond more with him...
'It's me or or him babe,me or him"


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## Regga

What strugglinghusband said. The book by Shirley Glass helped me a lot...but was difficult to read because everything was sooo RAW. Seeing what I was experiencing in print solidified my emotions and sent me on a roller coaster. You need an easy, slow ride. Live moment to moment and focus on you. Find a favorite quote...mine was "this too shall pass"...and repeat it when you are down. Start praying, talking with family, meet basic needs. We'll support you here, just remember that the people here have done this. They truly have the route you must go. Not following their advice prolongs the pain and mistakes. You can live through this: even with financial debt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sillyputty

strugglinghusband said:


> Get a mod to move this the coping with infidelity forum..pronto
> You will get responses very quickly.
> 
> read this link by Almostrecovered, take the time to read it.
> Really read it all,
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> Rob you are dealing with a cheating wife, she told you about her online friend and I would bet dollars to doughnuts, she's been seeing him,/or has plans to... hence the reason for her moving out.
> 
> It may be an emotional affair and they are very damaging, get the book not just friends by Shirley Glass.
> 
> By far the very best thing you can do is, NOT beg,plead or cry in front of her, dont be a whiny doormat, it will make you look weak and needy...get it? why would she want to be be with a weak and needy man.
> It dosent matter what you did in the past, you did wrong, you admitted it and apoligized and learned from it...that does not give her a free pass to do the same, you did not make her do anything, she made her own choices.
> 
> Dont tell her you are giving her time, thats the worst thing you can do, gives her time to bond more with him...
> 'It's me or or him babe,me or him"


I agree with all of this except not giving her the time/space. She has already made that decision, in fact is already gone for 2weeks. He can't force her to come back "right now". That would sound like a threat. However, it is fair to say at the end of 2 weeks she needs to decide if she wants a future with him or not. Rob, that's when you need to get frim and tough. For the time being--patience and understanding.


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## strugglinghusband

Sillyputty said:


> I agree with all of this except not giving her the time/space. She has already made that decision, in fact is already gone for 2weeks. He can't force her to come back "right now". That would sound like a threat. However, it is fair to say at the end of 2 weeks she needs to decide if she wants a future with him or not. Rob, that's when you need to get frim and tough. For the time being--patience and understanding.


Time and space for what? like I said to bond even more with OM, why 2 weeks? why not a month, 6 months....why in the world would anyone give space and time to decide if the affair partner is the better choice? whats understanding about that?

The only threat I see here, is her threatening the marriage and no he cant force her to do anything but make the descion "him or me, if not quickly then he can make it for her.

You cant nice them out of an affair, no way no how.
If she's in the affair fog, the longer shes there the harder it will be to get her out of it.


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## Sillyputty

strugglinghusband said:


> Time and space for what? like I said to bond even more with OM, why 2 weeks? why not a month, 6 months....why in the world would anyone give space and time to decide if the affair partner is the better choice? whats understanding about that?
> 
> The only threat I see here, is her threatening the marriage and no he cant force her to do anything but make the descion "him or me, if not quickly then he can make it for her.
> 
> You cant nice them out of an affair, no way no how.
> If she's in the affair fog, the longer shes there the harder it will be to get her out of it.


It's not clear to me if she has already moved to her parents (for 2 weeks) or not. I didn't say 2 weeks, that's what the OP said. Apparently the OP already agreed to that, maybe had no say in the matter. If that's the case he can either say honey come back now or it's over, or give her the 2 weeks to diffuse. If she decides to cheat during this time, while living with her parents no less, not so sure I would want her back anyway. Meanwhile he works on HIS issues so he can confront her head on with a clear conscience and frim resolve. Make sense?


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## Decorum

Yep, seperation is a cheaters vacation.

Go with what StruggHusband above and others have said.


You are fighting a "love drug" in her system.

Only decisive action can help now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband

Sillyputty said:


> It's not clear to me if she has already moved to her parents (for 2 weeks) or not. I didn't say 2 weeks, that's what the OP said. Apparently the OP already agreed to that, maybe had no say in the matter. If that's the case he can either say honey come back now or it's over, or give her the 2 weeks to diffuse. If she decides to cheat during this time, while living with her parents no less, not so sure I would want her back anyway. Meanwhile he works on HIS issues so he can confront her head on with a clear conscience and frim resolve. Make sense?


I get you, but she is already cheating, she told him about her online friend...she did it in her her marital home, do you think she wouldnt have contact at her parents house? or just use them as an excuse..she already decided to cheat and told the OP so.

Read up on the newbie link, read some of the stories here on TAM, will flip your lid, some of the things that go down and the depths of betrayal.

He is fighting for his marriage and the OM has to go before they can address any issues.

I do agree he should work on his issues, become the best man he can...not for her...but for himself.


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## Sillyputty

strugglinghusband said:


> I get you, but she is already cheating, she told him about her online friend...she did it in her her marital home, do you think she wouldnt have contact at her parents house? or just use them as an excuse..she already decided to cheat and told the OP so.
> 
> Read up on the newbie link, read some of the stories here on TAM, will flip your lid, some of the things that go down and the depths of betrayal.
> 
> He is fighting for his marriage and the OM has to go before they can address any issues.
> 
> I do agree he should work on his issues, become the best man he can...not for her...but for himself.


The question is, did he already agree to the separation and is she already gone? If so what do you and Decorum suggest? I did not say separation was the best solution (or even a good one), it was my impression that it had already happened.


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## strugglinghusband

Sillyputty said:


> The question is, did he already agree to the separation and is she already gone? If so what do you and Decorum suggest? I did not say separation was the best solution (or even a good one), it was my impression that it had already happened.


Like I said he should read the newbie link first and make a paln thats best for him, and my take on it is he didnt agree, she just said she was leaving.????..he can do a 180, he can expose to her parents and anyone who may help stop the contact, 
this stuff thrives on secrecy, its the thrill...everythings perfect in affair land...it rains puppies and you ride unicorns around all day.

He can improve himself, go to IC and get help dealing with it, lean on friends, TAM, he can tell her since you dont want to work on the marriage and go to MC, I will file for divorce, he can lay more of his story out here for poster's better suited than me to offer advice...to come up with the best plan of action...take a little from what eveyone is sayingand tailor that to his situtaion.

I'll say it one more time, there is no way in HELL you can nice them out of an affair...it just will not work


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## Decorum

Sillyputty,
My impression is that she is already out, but to answer you question we need Rob (the OP) to clarify the situation.

Rob should read the newbie thread in the coping with infidelity section (CWI) !!! 

He needs to take decisive action to save this, Rob???? Are you there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob1980

Guys,

Thanks for all your responses, and appologies for not responding sooner. I have been going through an "acceptance stage". I just want to thank you all for your respones firstly.

Sillyputty - Firstly great advice, and you sound like you come with some wisdom. I do feel that my half of the responsibility of this failure is down to neglecting myself. I have become weak, boring and not pursude my own interests - that has affected who I am and ultimitley my marrage. As for the house deposit I am considering just writting that off as a loss and pulling out - There is a risk if I live alone in the future I wont be able to afford to live in it but thats somthing to think about once a decision about us has been reached - I am putting that to the back of my mind for the time being.

I have accepted that she needs time apart to sort her feelings out for me as she said "I dont know if i want to be in a relationship with you". I have to respect she needs to sort out her feelings for me - i hope it will be positive and both of us learn over the 2 weeks what the failings where and that we want to make this work - thats what I really want.

Regga - Your right, I need to live for the moment to see me through the next few weeks. I might borrow your quote "this too shall pass" - I need to know that at some point things will improve.

Decorum - I am 100% confident that she is not speaking or seeing this other person, I just know from how it all came about. My wife actually became very worried and depressed over the thought of this person trying to contact her online. I am sure she is going away to think about our marrage and her own feelings and not go speak to this other person. I will have a good read of the Newbie link and will continue to read the many postings on TAM.

My wife has not left yet, she will be leaving next Saturday as she has work commitments near our home until then. The first few days after she told me (a couple of days before i first posted) I was distaught and didnt want her to go. I cried, I was weak but now I have come to an acceptance stage and actually think this might be good for us. I am already starting to awaken and notice the areas of our marrage that have gone wrong, I dont quite now how to put them right but I belive over this 2 week period I may find some answers.

Dont get me wrong I still think we should work on our problems at home and go to Marrage conselling but I have to respect my wifes decision and I do believe this may give us the answers we need. If it doesnt then i dont know. I want to fight for my wife, I want to have the answers, I love her with all my heart, and these last few days have made me realise just how much. Until she leaves next Saturday I am just going to do some soul searching and continue to realise where i have gone wrong here.

I dont have a large circle of friends, again thats my fault due to neglecting needs, but I have already vowed to change that - Small steps.

thanks for all your advice, I would love to hear your thoughts on this post - I wont leave it so long to reply next time.


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## Rob1980

My wife just woke up, walked up to me and said I want a hug but know its not the correct thing to do at the moment. I think she waited for me to give her a hug so I changed the subject. Was this the right thing to do?

I desportatley wanted to hug her so much, but didnt.

Any advice?


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## staystrong

Rob, I think you're still stunned. 

This thing you are calling acceptance is not acceptance. It's shock masquerading as understanding. 

Do not believe what she tells you about the OM. Is there any way you can access her email logs or phone records (look for a frequent number you're not familiar with)? This is what I call "righteous snooping" - your marriage is on the line and you need to everything you can to make sure that she isn't still cheating. I don't want you to lose your wife buddy. If you find out she's cheating, come back here and listen to the veteran posters. Do not confront her yet, and do not reveal your sources. Ever!

Your wife said: "I don't know if i want to be in a relationship with you" Then she should see a MC because that's what people do when they need guidance. Me thinks she is getting her guidance from someone already.


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## Rob1980

Staystorng,

Thanks for the advice. I am
100% confident she isn't cheating but even if I wanted to check there is no way I can possibly do that. 

Once she admitted to me she has been speaking to someone online she ended it and didn't reply to the OM when he messaged her to say why aren't you talking to me anymore. She would tell me every time he messaged her even if I didn't ask. That's why I am so sure it's over with them.

I am trying to be positive and can see that focusing on myself is part of the solution. But I would really like her to go to MC with me once she gets back from her 2 weeks away. My problem is if she decides to end it when she gets back there will be no way to get her to go to MC.


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## Rob1980

Oh and thinking about it you may be correct about the shock thing. I have no choice but to accept it so shock is probably correct.

But if we have to go through this then I intend to make full use if this and try to figure things out. I already know the areas which went wrong i just need to work out a route to solving it


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## jfv

Rob, you are going about this all wrong. Please listen to these people.

Have you read the Coping with Infedility section? Separation is a way for her to try out the other guy. 

Yes, if it doesn't work out she'll choose you. Are you okay with being her backup plan?

The guilt you have or being a bad husband is clouding your judgement. You are responsible for being a bad husband. You are not responsible for her being a cheater. 

As long as this guy is in the picture your marriage is doomed whether you fix yourself or not. 

She has cheated on you, why would you take anything she says at face value? Why would you trust her when it comes to this guy? Can you please tell us what the thought process is that leads you to the conclusion that you should trust what she says?.

Btw, the depression came from not talking to her affair partner. Does she seem depressed right now? If not, have you asked yourself why?


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## Rob1980

IFV, thanks for reply. I just had a long chat with my wife about everything. Essentially she needs time apart so she can figure out if she has the "want" to try and sort this out. I am confident she isn't talking to the OM. I laid my cards on the table about how I realised I have not paid her enough attention and through neglecting my own needs I have also neglected the marriage needs.

I am a very practical financial astute person where she is very much Lets have fun it doesn't matter about the money person- that's what attracted me to her in the first place, but I didn't adopt any of that from her which I know I should have. I should be more spontaneous and not care about the financials so much so that we don't do much. This and everything else i am realising now, and I told her as much. I just hope it isn't too late.

She agrees with me but she needs to find out if she has the want or desire to sort things out. She wants a hug, she wants affection and wants sex but I said it wasn't fair or right unless we agree to try.

At the moment I know she doesn't have the want to sort things out, hence why she needs space to figure out if she will wan to.


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## jfv

Her main issues with you is that you are not spontaneous enough?
and that you are fiscally conservative?

One other question. Would it be okay for her to be in contact with him during the separation? 

Have you guys discussed this specifically? If you haven't I implore you to have that conversation before she leaves. 

She'll probably say no but you need to have it on the record, so she is without doubt that you would have a problem with it if she does this. 

Would it be a deal breaker for you if she was in contact with him at any point?

Thanks for your response.


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## Rob1980

IFV,

Her main issue is her feelings for me at the moment, but yes she agrees I haven't been spontaneous enough and haven't paid her enough attention. The EA was just what made her realise that something isn't right with the relationship and that her feelings may have changed.

I have told her that she can't speak to the OM and whilst on separation and she said she hasn't been for a while, like said she told me when he text her after she told him it was over.


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## happyman64

Rob1980 said:


> IFV, thanks for reply. I just had a long chat with my wife about everything. Essentially she needs time apart so she can figure out if she has the "want" to try and sort this out. I am confident she isn't talking to the OM. I laid my cards on the table about how I realised I have not paid her enough attention and through neglecting my own needs I have also neglected the marriage needs.
> 
> I am a very practical financial astute person where she is very much Lets have fun it doesn't matter about the money person- that's what attracted me to her in the first place, but I didn't adopt any of that from her which I know I should have. I should be more spontaneous and not care about the financials so much so that we don't do much. This and everything else i am realising now, and I told her as much. I just hope it isn't too late.
> 
> She agrees with me but she needs to find out if she has the want or desire to sort things out. She wants a hug, she wants affection and wants sex but I said it wasn't fair or right unless we agree to try.
> 
> At the moment I know she doesn't have the want to sort things out, hence why she needs space to figure out if she will wan to.


So much for vows Rob!

Your wife needs time because she is not sure if she wants o be in a relationship with you???

Dude remind hER she married you!

Tell her to put on hER big girl panties, get in the car and go to MC with you.

Tell her that running to mommy and daddy's is not an option.

You both fix it. 

If my wife wanted to leave without working on it I would say sayonara baby!

and I highly doubt she just started feeling like this. She just had to do this after buying a custom built home???

Stop being nice. And tell your wife to grow up.


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## Rob1980

Happyman64,

Thanks for your thoughts. And I agree with you, vows are vows!

However I couldn't ask her to stay and sort it out as she said she was prepared for that, if I had told her if she left it would be over she was prepared to leave there and then. 

I wish she would stay and work on this because I know I am starting to see where the problems are as what to do about them to fix them.

But right now she doesn't know if she has the want to sort this out with me. It's gutting to hear but what else can I do?


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## happyman64

Well Rob you ask me what you could do?

A. Fix your own issues so that you will be good with yourself in the future.
B. you could convince her that running away from the issues solves nothing.
C. You will come to the realization that when a person puts a gun to your head you kiss them on the cheek and say goodbye!

I am big on reconciliation but if my woman ever said she was leaving and if I threatened D to get her to stay she would do just that and divorce me.

I would go online, print out the D papers, put them in her hand and say this "While you are thinking about us these next two weeks please fill out the paperwork. Thanks"

Why do I say this? Because she has done this to you twice I believe. And until you put your foot down and force a consequence she will do it again.

The next time she pulls this stunt you might have a huge mortgage and a few kids with her.

Think about that scenario Rob.

HM64


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## DavidWYoung

I am going to chime in even though you have enough answers to your question.

You Wife is giving you a "Shi% Tes%". Pretend that you are a lion in the grass lands of africa and your mate in the pride is showing you disrespect, what would a normal lion do? That is right, he would tell the lioness that she is due for a "Time Out" at her mothers house.

You have been "Puss$fied" in your upbringing and your adulthood. I know that you can not act in a way that would get you put in jail BUT you need to change your act because, you are a "Nice Doormat" now.

Start working out, Go to acting class to try on a" New You" Try skydiving and get out of the shell that you have made for yourself.

Start liking YOU and start a 180 on your wife. The 180 is for you. Just for your information, there are THREE LARGE BOAT LOADS of Women in the world that would KILL for a man with a three bed room house.

I know it's hard BUT, stop this "But I love her so much"BS. She is not in the same page as you are. She is not there for you, she is not your partner PERIOD! You have to be ready to kick her to the curb if you want to save the marriage.Strange but true.

Good luck and I hope you listen to the other posters. David


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## Rob1980

HM64,

I would agree with your 3 points below in most cases however my wife isn't like that, if u threaten her with something she will call you on it. I have commented on your points below: 


A. Fix your own issues so that you will be good with yourself in the future. - I agree and i am / will be working on it, I know either with or without my marriage I need to do that.
B. you could convince her that running away from the issues solves nothing. I know that if I push her on staying that will just get her back up and she will leave.
C. You will come to the realization that when a person puts a gun to your head you kiss them on the cheek and say goodbye! I hope that isn't the case but she isn't really putting a gun to my head She's just insisting on going away for 2 weeks to figure her feelings out.

Everything you say I would agree with in most women but as I say my wife is very much like " if you threaten me u best be prepared to handle the consequences"

I would like to try to convince her to stay but I think that would make things 10 times worse.


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## Rob1980

David,

I appreciate the candid remarks, and maybe I need to hear it. If i did what you say I know she would leave straight away and it be over.

Yes I am what you would call an open book or emotional bloke that is how I was brought up to be caring and not be a horrible guy so it's difficult for me to be anything else.

I suppose essentially what I need to decide is do I a) man up, do the 180 and be 95% certain my wife will not give it a try as I refused to allow her space for 2 weeks or b) work on myself, give her the 2 weeks space she needs and there is a chance that we could give it another try.


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## jfv

Rob, your reaction to how she is behaving is what she needs to fear. Not the other way around. If she calls you on it and says okay lets divorce, that is actually a good thing for you. Why stay with someone who does this to you? Unless you do not believe you can do better than her, in which case you've probably convinced her of that as well which is why she can pull this without worrying about your reaction. 
The way this should be going down is: "If you leave for two weeks without working on this, prepare to deal with the consequences"
She's the cheater Why is she the one with the upper hand?
I think its because she knows that you are afraid to leave her. You should always be willing to walk away from mistreatment. When you don't you're telling the person that you are weak and have very little value or respect. Women are turned off by this, so even as a practical matter, you need to show strength if you hope to keep her. 
I'm curious, if she does speak to him is it a deal breaker for you?


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## arbitrator

Decorum said:


> *Yep, seperation is a cheaters vacation.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Rob: Decorum struck the nail right on the head.

Please don't be delusional like I was and just let things ride. You need to go into invesitigation mode.

My STBXW ordered me out of the house on the guise of a "trial separation," to see if we could mutually work things out between us from afar.

My ensuing invesigation revealed that she had already been in two separate, concurrent affairs, with other men from her past who she had reconnected with on FB. And for as far back as one year prior to me leaving the home.

She wanted me out of the way to help facilitate her very own "cheater's vacation," which I might add, is still going on to this very day, despite our separation/divorce now sitting at some 20+ months long.

If they want you out of their life, something is largely going on, and certainly not for your benefit. It wouldn't totally surprise me that she's hooked up with someone from her past, maybe even with the guy that you mentioned.

Do "the 180" on her and start opening your eyes to her activities!


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## Sillyputty

Rob, if she is considering another man like everyone thinks I can't help you because fortunatlely I don't have much experience with this. If it is just a bunch of fu**ed up issues between the two of you (lack of affection, communication, etc.) then I think there is hope. You still need to work on your issues as others have said, and quickly at that. Here is a bit of my story that I just related on another post. Try it on and see if it fits. I will wait for criticism from all the macho men saying it's too soft, but no one can dispute that it's working for me because it is. Again I am not saying that her leaving is a good thing (or the right thing), but if that is your current reality you can still do some things to make her realilze that leaving you would be HER LOSS. Here is what I wrote in my other post:

I can relate dude, I can totally relate... and I am working on a good outcome I will share with you. We did the cyclical thinkg as you describe: W complains, H ignores, W complains some more, H ignores. Looking back I think my wife checked out about 6-8 years ago. Fortunately she wouldn't physically leave me as her moral/religious convictions would not allow her. During this time I tried many things to "fix" her but I simply could not do it. The reason I couldn't do it was, you guessed it, it wasn't her that neeed fixing. While my wife has many faults (as we ALL do), I see now that I was guilty of being hypercritical and, w/o knowing, trying to control her in many ways. I will spare you the details of this, the important thing is that despite my thinking that she was not measuring up for so many years, countless failed attempts at fixing her, I finally came to the realization that it was my responsibility to step up to the plate, swallow some pride and be the husband my wife was (silently) begging me to be. I was always loyal/honest/faithful/etc with her, but THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. I have read many books on relationships that describe "her needs," I understood the concepts but for some reason I never really thought it applied to my situation. I was wrong. It has only been a few weeks since I had this epiphany, I can tell you my wife is definitely noticing changes in my behavior toward her. This might sound like I have placed extra burden upon myself, however it has been extremely liberating to me. All those negative controlling thoughts and behaviors were somehow making me a prisoner in my own mind. Nothing she could do would please me, thus until recently I thought I wanted to leave too. As I really started to dig, however, it finally struck me like a ton of bricks--it was me that needed to change. I dreaded the idea at first, even denied it (God please "say it ain't so"), but now that I have embraced it I see each day as a blessing to be married to my wife. It is not always easy or natural to do this, but I am doing my best to realign my actions with this new mindset. The proverbial ton of bricks that hit me, in reality, feels like a ton has been lifted from my shoulders. Let me know if this story rings true for you, based on what you wrote I do see some parallels.


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## arbitrator

Sillyputty: I do like what you have to say and think that it could be quite worthwhile in Rob's case. The only thing that I would greatly advocate would be that Rob go into investigative mode to see if he can, indeed, uncover any evidence against her to the contrary, albeit, cell-phone call/text records, FB postings, email activity.

Provided that he finds no "smoking gun," then he can move on in more constructive channels towards her.

I agree with Happyman in that her leaving him showed an inate lack of maturity in that she didn't want to meet the issues "head-on" with him. From my personal experience as well as the vast majority of TAM'ers in similar situations, the reverse has more often been the norm~ that they chiefly leave in order to be able to escape having their underground scurilous activities detected by their spouse.

You have a most valid argument, and in some cases it will, no doubt, be true. I can only hope and pray that it does come to fruition in Rob's case, primarily because I don't want to see him, or anyone for that matter, go through the gross deception of what I, or anyone else here has had to endure in similar situations.

For the moment, I really feel that Rob should place himself largely in the position of "trust, but verify!"


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## terrence4159

Rob i agree with the adivce you have gotten here, right now you are PLAN B to her. she is going to go visit plan A during her need to think about her time....shes right she is thinking about her and PLAN A knowing you will be back at home at the door waiting for her.

i was in your shoes man i was plan b my xw is now married to plan A.


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## Rob1980

Guys,

Thanks for your responses. 

Firstly - Sillyputty, I do think the course you are sailing on is the correct one for my situation. As I do firmly belive she is not talking to the OM. That situation just forced her to realise something is not right with us and does she have the desire to work on sorting our problems out. I do not want to be her plan B, and do not belive she is thinking I am her plan B. Its either work on our marrage or not work on our marage.

My concerns are however, she leaves in 6 days, how can i show her I am awakening to the problems and realising its me that has to change also, its me that has to not try to change her. Sillyputty, do believe I am in the same situation as you, I have subconsesiouly tried to change her without realising it, when it is me that should be embracing who she is and celebrating her.

How do I show her all this before she leaves, and will pushing this issue with her just force her further away from me? Should I use the 180 in this situation or should I show her how I have awakened?


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## Plan 9 from OS

Rob,
Apologies if this was already addressed, but since your wife's EA partner does not live close to you, does he live close to the wife's parents?


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## Rob1980

Hi Plan 9,

No the OM doesn't live close to my wife Parents. I know which part of the country he lives in.

So I am not concerned about that.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Have you been able to keep tabs on your wife via her e-mail, FB, etc to verify that the two of them did not plan a meetup in her hometown? I saw how she was has engaged in an EA with this other guy for awhile now. Even if it was off and on, this guy has been on your wife's mind for a long time. It's possible that the two of them took the affair underground and that she has a secret e-mail, another phone or another means of communication that you don't know about. If your wife is bright, her and the OM could have pretended to break it off so that you thought he was out of the picture.

From what I've seen on this forum and from what I believe to be right, I find it highly improbable that your wife would have broken this relationship off so quickly and abruptly without showing more remorse than she has. The idea that she still wants space and that she is still so cold to you tells me that either this OM is still lurking in the background or that she may have found a new OM that she grew up with that you do not know about. 

Maybe it's just me, but going no contact with a guy that she has invested a lot of time and energy with doesn't go this smoothly unless she's hiding something. JMHO, and I apologize if I sound paranoid. But to me this doesn't look right.


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## Rob1980

Plan 9,

Thanks for your thoughts. My wife did have a hard time in breaking it off with the OM which i am 100% confident she hasnt met and wont meet. The OM didnt take it well when it was broken off, she sent her threatening messages, calling her all kinds. My wife was very worried that he could somehow find out where she lives and do something. I was told every time he messaged her and what it said. I am confident she has broken it off because of the stress she went through when it happened.

My concern really is how do i show her I have realised the errors in our marrage and and awakening to a knew era. She goes in 6 days, and do i complete the 180 if this is all reallly about our communication and intermacy rather than about an EA?


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## Plan 9 from OS

The 180 is supposed to be a way to help you cope with a situation where a spouse is strongly committed to leaving no matter what. It is designed to help you detach so that your spouse knows that you will be perfectly fine without him/her. But I'm not so sure that doing the 180 would be wise for your situation let alone the 2 week separation. Assuming that you verified that this long term EA has gone horribly wrong for your wife, then she is probably out of the fog of the EA. 

More than anything, it sounds like you two need to spend time together and reconnect. Both need to work on your faults. Also moving forward the two of you need to go to full transparency. She sees your e-mail, FB whenever she wants to and you get the same rights. But spending time together and recommitting to each other doesn't mean that you do all the work while she sits back. She too has some flaws that I'm sure greatly contributed to the marriage problems too. 

Right now I think you need to keep in mind these words: Communication, self respect, respect for your wife, honesty and just doing things together.

Good luck.


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## Rob1980

Plan 9 - Thanks for your thoughts. That is what I wasnt sure about i.e. 180 for my situation. I will try and have a site down talk with my wife this evening and will explain that those key words:
"Communication, self respect, respect for your wife, honesty and just doing things together."

However if she still wants to leave for 2 weeks to work out if she wants to make this work there is little i can do to stop her.

Thanks again - your advice means a lot


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## Plan 9 from OS

Rob1980 said:


> Plan 9 - Thanks for your thoughts. That is what I wasnt sure about i.e. 180 for my situation. I will try and have a site down talk with my wife this evening and will explain that those key words:
> "Communication, self respect, respect for your wife, honesty and just doing things together."
> 
> However if she still wants to leave for 2 weeks to work out if she wants to make this work there is little i can do to stop her.
> 
> Thanks again - your advice means a lot


One thing going for you is that the OM is out of the picture now based on what you wrote. As many have written before and I agree with, you cannot begin to reconcile and heal within the marriage if there is a third person in the mix. It appears that third person is gone, so IMHO you should have a good chance to reconcile.

But I will caution you that you cannot rugsweep what went on with your wife and this OM. If you do not address it head on - and both of you make changes for the marriage to make it stronger - the root cause for the affair will not be addressed. Your wife may find another AP if the root cause is not addressed for good.

Good luck.


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## Sillyputty

Rob1980 said:


> Guys,
> 
> Thanks for your responses.
> 
> Firstly - Sillyputty, I do think the course you are sailing on is the correct one for my situation. As I do firmly belive she is not talking to the OM. That situation just forced her to realise something is not right with us and does she have the desire to work on sorting our problems out. I do not want to be her plan B, and do not belive she is thinking I am her plan B. Its either work on our marrage or not work on our marage.
> 
> My concerns are however, she leaves in 6 days, how can i show her I am awakening to the problems and realising its me that has to change also, its me that has to not try to change her. Sillyputty, do believe I am in the same situation as you, I have subconsesiouly tried to change her without realising it, when it is me that should be embracing who she is and celebrating her.
> 
> How do I show her all this before she leaves, and will pushing this issue with her just force her further away from me? Should I use the 180 in this situation or should I show her how I have awakened?


Well if she is hellbent on leaving for a while there is not much you can do to stop her, but the way you handle this may be a factor in deciding if she wants to come back and work on the marriage with you. Instead of a 180 how about trying a 90 with her? Keep your distance but when/if she wants to feel close, give her the warmest, comforting hug that you are capable of giving. If it goes well I might suggest you try convincing her to not leave. Maybe save that discussion for pillow talk later that night. Think of some dialogue that you can really own and relate to her, something you can tell her when you have that moment, as well as a reminder to yourself of the "new you." Something to the effect of: Honey, I realize I haven't been the man you needed me to be. I'm sorry it took you wanting to leave for me to realize this. In a way I don't blame you, I've been a jackass in many ways but I truly believe I have figured out what has been ailing this marriage for so long and IT STARTS WITH ME." So there you have it, there is your mantra in 4 simlple words: "It starts with me." This is not to say your wife has not contributed to the downward spiral, rather it is YOU stepping up to the plate as the STRONG one who can lead the marriage on the path to healing (if that is truly what you want). To me this is ALPHA behavior in the extreme. Men have had many challenges throughout history, "keeping their woman happy" is not a new one but it is one that few men are prepared (or willing??) to deal with this day and age. What is the payoff you ask? A happy wife, an in-tact marriage and the personal satisfaction of knowing that you did something that NO ONE else in the world could do--YOU put the wheels in motion to save your marriage. In that sense it really does start with you!


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## caladan

Sigh.

Rob - I'm one of those on this site who consistently argue for the benefit of doubt, for the position that your missus just may not be cheating on you.

In this case however, I feel she is, or is getting ready to. And guess what - you're cheering her on. 

She may go out there, shag the other brother, and return to you claiming to have fixed herself, or she may stay there, either way it sucks, and you no longer have a say - you gave her permission to leave for an extended romp, and she will romp.

It's up to you really - you can either grab the bull by the horns, lay down the law, and then if she walks out, guess what - she made the decision.
Or - you can leave it in her hands, afterall you're simply not strong enough to take control of your marriage and your destiny, we won't blame you.

Either way, nothing you do will make a difference, perhaps she will dump you after shagging the bloke, perhaps not. But she will shag him, and all you can decide is whether or not you want to be in the audience cheering her on.

At the moment, you've chosen to be in the audience. I respect your decision and your choice. It's however not one I would have taken.


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## Sillyputty

caladan said:


> Sigh.
> 
> Rob - I'm one of those on this site who consistently argue for the benefit of doubt, for the position that your missus just may not be cheating on you.
> 
> In this case however, I feel she is, or is getting ready to. And guess what - you're cheering her on.
> 
> She may go out there, shag the other brother, and return to you claiming to have fixed herself, or she may stay there, either way it sucks, and you no longer have a say - you gave her permission to leave for an extended romp, and she will romp.
> 
> It's up to you really - you can either grab the bull by the horns, lay down the law, and then if she walks out, guess what - she made the decision.
> Or - you can leave it in her hands, afterall you're simply not strong enough to take control of your marriage and your destiny, we won't blame you.
> 
> Either way, nothing you do will make a difference, perhaps she will dump you after shagging the bloke, perhaps not. But she will shag him, and all you can decide is whether or not you want to be in the audience cheering her on.
> 
> At the moment, you've chosen to be in the audience. I respect your decision and your choice. It's however not one I would have taken.


I'll assume that SIGH was directed toward me (i.e. my advice). We are all entitled to our own opinion, of course, and I too respect whatever decision the OP chooses to take. What I don't understand is how quick people are to judge the actions of people they don't even know. Sure all manners of deceit and betrayal occur daily on this forum and throughout the world. OP states he is 100% positive OM is out of the picture--for all we know she is east coast he is west coast. What is so hard to understand that the two of them had grown emotionally dead to each other and W needs time apart to sort things out? Don't forget OP was sex chatting online and W found out about it. Is that putting his W first? Now she is guilty of the same. OP realizes his fault in the matter and wants to reconcile, thus HE needs to take the lead in this HEALING process. That's what I think this is about--healing their hurts and mending their ways. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I'm simply trying to help him using the same method that helped me reconcile my own marriage. What I am offering is not a one-size-fits-all approach, we can only give advice based on the known facts as presented by OP (whether or not they are truly "factual"). What concerns me the most is how quickly people assume the worst about people and their hidden motives. Clearly BOTH parties have contributed to the disarray in this particular case; BOTH parties are wounded and BOTH are paying the price for it. In my view the marriage can only be saved if one of the parties steps up to the plate and initiates the healing process... and it's pretty clear it ain't gonna be the OP's wife.


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## caladan

Sillyputty said:


> I'll assume that SIGH was directed toward me (i.e. my advice). We are all entitled to our own opinion, of course, and I too respect whatever decision the OP chooses to take. What I don't understand is how quick people are to judge the actions of people they don't even know. Sure all manners of deceit and betrayal occur daily on this forum and throughout the world. OP states he is 100% positive OM is out of the picture--for all we know she is east coast he is west coast. What is so hard to understand that the two of them had grown emotionally dead to each other and W needs time apart to sort things out? Don't forget OP was sex chatting online and W found out about it. Is that putting his W first? Now she is guilty of the same. OP realizes his fault in the matter and wants to reconcile, thus HE needs to take the lead in this HEALING process. That's what I think this is about--healing their hurts and mending their ways. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I'm simply trying to help him using the same method that helped me reconcile my own marriage. What I am offering is not a one-size-fits-all approach, we can only give advice based on the known facts as presented by OP (whether or not they are truly "factual"). What concerns me the most is how quickly people assume the worst about people and their hidden motives. Clearly BOTH parties have contributed to the disarray in this particular case; BOTH parties are wounded and BOTH are paying the price for it. In my view the marriage can only be saved if one of the parties steps up to the plate and initiates the healing process... and it's pretty clear it ain't gonna be the OP's wife.



Actually, not this time Silly (no pun intended, but heh).

I'm with you here. The sigh was for Rob, who kept defending his missus and being "almost sure" she wasn't cheating.


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## Rob1980

Sillyputty &Caladan,

Thank you both for your comments and Wisdom. However I am siding on Sillyputty being correct here. 

I will explain why. Last night my wife broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying, really couldn't stop. After I have calmed her down she explained how she was feeling. She's so confused and doesn't know how she feels about me, although at the moment due to all the negative comments I think she is siding on ending it. She is scared of being alone and having to start all over again. She doesn't want her EA to be the cause of the marriage break up. She wants things to work out, she wants us to move into our new build house together but I know she doesn't know how she feels about me. As I say at the moment because of how she feels she seems to be more negative but I think she is genuinely depressed by all this. 

I did just try to speak to her about what was said last night and she said she doesn't want to talk as she hasn't even gone away for the 2 weeks yet. She said I know your doing a lot of thinking and reading about it all but she just won't be ready until she has sorted her head and feelings out.

Sillyputty - you wounded what has made us so emotionally dead to each other well I have to take the line share of the blame on that one. My wife was very affectionate and allways wanted kiss's and hugs but i would often not pay her the attention when she wanted it. I need to take the blame for that, I know but my wife needs to and has accepted the blame for the EA.

My want and way of looking at this is I have the issues out on the table now and are facing up to them, now I just need to wait and hope over the 2 week period my wife does the same sober can come together and work on them.

One question, my wife goes on Saturday, do i at least get her a Valentines card?

Thanks again everyone for your advice , even if I don't agree with you I still appreciate the different perspective.


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## Rob1980

caladan said:


> Actually, not this time Silly (no pun intended, but heh).
> 
> I'm with you here. The sigh was for Rob, who kept defending his missus and being "almost sure" she wasn't cheating.


Caladan, you are right, if I have come across as though I am defending my wife for having an EA, I didn't mean for it to come across like that. I know the marriage issues mainly on my part led to that happening but my wife did have a choice so she does accept responsibility for it.


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## Sillyputty

caladan said:


> Actually, not this time Silly (no pun intended, but heh).
> 
> I'm with you here. The sigh was for Rob, who kept defending his missus and being "almost sure" she wasn't cheating.


I apologize caldean for the incorrect assumption. It was the timing and placement of your post in relation to mine. I don't disagree with what you said, except that at some point we have to deal with the facts as presented by the OP, otherwise the advice we give may not suit the situation at hand... it's all good though, thanks for clarifying.


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## Sillyputty

Rob1980 said:


> Sillyputty &Caladan,
> 
> Thank you both for your comments and Wisdom. However I am siding on Sillyputty being correct here.
> 
> I will explain why. Last night my wife broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying, really couldn't stop. After I have calmed her down she explained how she was feeling. She's so confused and doesn't know how she feels about me, although at the moment due to all the negative comments I think she is siding on ending it. She is scared of being alone and having to start all over again. She doesn't want her EA to be the cause of the marriage break up. She wants things to work out, she wants us to move into our new build house together but I know she doesn't know how she feels about me. As I say at the moment because of how she feels she seems to be more negative but I think she is genuinely depressed by all this.
> 
> I did just try to speak to her about what was said last night and she said she doesn't want to talk as she hasn't even gone away for the 2 weeks yet. She said I know your doing a lot of thinking and reading about it all but she just won't be ready until she has sorted her head and feelings out.
> 
> Sillyputty - you wounded what has made us so emotionally dead to each other well I have to take the line share of the blame on that one. My wife was very affectionate and allways wanted kiss's and hugs but i would often not pay her the attention when she wanted it. I need to take the blame for that, I know but my wife needs to and has accepted the blame for the EA.
> 
> My want and way of looking at this is I have the issues out on the table now and are facing up to them, now I just need to wait and hope over the 2 week period my wife does the same sober can come together and work on them.
> 
> One question, my wife goes on Saturday, do i at least get her a Valentines card?
> 
> Thanks again everyone for your advice , even if I don't agree with you I still appreciate the different perspective.


So it sounds like she "wants" a future with you, I really think you guys have just done a poor job of nurtuing the relationship. I commend you for owning up to your share, (even the lion's share), that puts you in a good position to help bring your W back around. And if it doesn't work you won't have any regrets later on wondering if you should have tried harder to save your marriage. And YES, by all means get her a valentine's card, she is still your wife for God's sake. 

One last thing, you mention she is "genuinely depressed by all this." If she is clinically depressed you are dealing with more than just "hurt feelings" as I'm sure you are aware... just pointing that out since you are pretty caught up in reconciling, she might need additional support/treatment with regard to this.


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## jfv

Rob1980 said:


> Sillyputty &Caladan,
> 
> Thank you both for your comments and Wisdom. However I am siding on Sillyputty being correct here.
> 
> I will explain why. Last night my wife broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying, really couldn't stop. After I have calmed her down she explained how she was feeling. *She's so **confused and doesn't know how she feels about me*, although at the moment due to all the negative comments I think she is siding on ending it. *She is scared of being alone and having to start all over again. She doesn't want her EA to be the cause of the marriage break up. She wants things to work out, she wants us to move into our new build house together but I know **she doesn't know how she feels about me*. As I say at the moment because of how she feels she seems to be more negative but I think she is genuinely depressed by all this.
> 
> *I did just try to speak to her about what was said last night and she said she doesn't want to talk as she hasn't even gone away for the 2 weeks yet.* She said I know your doing a lot of thinking and reading about it all but she just won't be ready until she has sorted her head and feelings out.
> 
> Sillyputty - you wounded what has made us so emotionally dead to each other well I have to take the line share of the blame on that one. My wife was very affectionate and allways wanted kiss's and hugs but i would often not pay her the attention when she wanted it. I need to take the blame for that, I know but my wife needs to and has accepted the blame for the EA.
> 
> My want and way of looking at this is I have the issues out on the table now and are facing up to them, now I just need to wait and hope over the 2 week period my wife does the same sober can come together and work on them.
> 
> One question, my wife goes on Saturday, do i at least get her a Valentines card?
> 
> Thanks again everyone for your advice , even if I don't agree with you I still appreciate the different perspective.


Hey Rob, so what I am reading here is that 

A) Your wife doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' for breaking up the marriage over another man. (Her EA,.. for now.)


B)She is scared of being alone which i interpret as the OM not being a viable option at this point in time. 
This interpretation is reinforced by her variation of ILYBNILWY which is that 'she's confused and doesn't know how she feels about you. 

C) She still isn't willing to start working on things until she gets away from you for two weeks because she needs to speak to him without you being around to guilt her. In other words, She needs to give him a chance to knock her off the fence and take her from you. 

D) I think she's made it clear that if she does not leave, she would be choosing to stay for the fantasy of the marriage and to avoid being alone and labeled a cheater. She would not be staying for YOU. 

Rob, is this acceptable to you? 

Do you think this is a strong foundation for a life long union? 

I'm not sure if you've already answered this but If it turns out that she has indeed spoken to the OM, would that be a deal breaker for you?

Take care.


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## Rob1980

jfv said:


> Hey Rob, so what I am reading here is that
> 
> A) Your wife doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' for breaking up the marriage over another man. (Her EA,.. for now.)
> 
> 
> B)She is scared of being alone which i interpret as the OM not being a viable option at this point in time.
> This interpretation is reinforced by her variation of ILYBNILWY which is that 'she's confused and doesn't know how she feels about you.
> 
> C) She still isn't willing to start working on things until she gets away from you for two weeks because she needs to speak to him without you being around to guilt her. In other words, She needs to give him a chance to knock her off the fence and take her from you.
> 
> D) I think she's made it clear that if she does not leave, she would be choosing to stay for the fantasy of the marriage and to avoid being alone and labeled a cheater. She would not be staying for YOU.
> 
> Rob, is this acceptable to you?
> 
> Do you think this is a strong foundation for a life long union?
> 
> I'm not sure if you've already answered this but If it turns out that she has indeed spoken to the OM, would that be a deal breaker for you?
> 
> Take care.


JFV, 

Responses to your observations,

A) correct, she doesn't want to be the bad guy.

B)correct, again, she is scared of being alone Which is why she is talking about the negatives at the moment I.e comments like "if we split up...".

C) i disagree, I mean u could be correct but I really don't believe this to be the case. She keeps saying she isn't and wants to find out how she feels about me while she is away. The other night when crying she admitted she is allways wanting better things, never satisfied with what she has got. She knows this is a flaw so hopefully she can address this.

D) I'm not sure i totally agree with you there. If as stayed and we didn't fix or work on things then yes it would be an fantasy marriage, but if she stays and we work on the problems which are now out in the open we may should be able to work on them.

If it turns out she is speaking to the OM or has plans to figure out if she wants the OM or me over the 2 weeks yes it would be deal breaker unless she comes to a realisation of what's wrong with that.

I just want to get the problems out on the table so we can work on them, problem is my wife doesn't know yet if she wants to work on them.


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## Rob1980

JFV,

Thanks for the observations, appreciate your opinion on this.

Take care


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## jfv

Your welcome. I hope I'm wrong.


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## Rob1980

Just thought I would post an update been a bit of an up and down day!

Left a valentines card for my wife in her bathroom so when she woke up she would see it, she loved the message I wrote, gave me a long hug and said that thank you so much. I dropped her off at work this morning and she wanted me to give her a quick peck on the cheak which I did. She also had out her wedding ring back on.

Came home early as we had appointment with our house builder to chose carpets, tiles etc which neither of us where in the mood to do as we may not move into house together - in fact if we don't stay together i am contemplating not completing on the house and losing the deposit. 

Anyway we where about 1000 over our carpet and tilling allowance so we will have to pay for that ourselves. I mention to my wife if we split up and I keep the house she will need to help me pay it, then she explodes at me!

I probably shouldn't have brought it up at the moment given the situation we are in but I need to understand what financial situation I may find myself in if she leaves as it is I could stand to lose thousands and be liable for more legal fees.

I spend 10 years aiming to buy a house, when I get there it turns to sh!te. I don't care about the house anymore I just want my marriage to be resolved.


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## Sillyputty

Yes that was a rather LARGE blunder! You gave in to a weak moment... obviously finances are a concern but you just burdened her with more negative thoughts! Are you sticking with your mantra? Did you even make one? You have both acted selfishly in the past, if you are going to reconcile you need to step up and lead the way. You don't do that by saying "what about me." You need to take "real" comfort in making your wife feel dafe and secure.


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## jfv

Rob1980 said:


> Just thought I would post an update been a bit of an up and down day!
> 
> Left a valentines card for my wife in her bathroom so when she woke up she would see it, she loved the message I wrote, gave me a long hug and said that thank you so much. I dropped her off at work this morning and she wanted me to give her a quick peck on the cheak which I did. She also had out her wedding ring back on.
> 
> Came home early as we had appointment with our house builder to chose carpets, tiles etc which neither of us where in the mood to do as we may not move into house together - in fact if we don't stay together i am contemplating not completing on the house and losing the deposit.
> 
> Anyway we where about 1000 over our carpet and tilling allowance so we will have to pay for that ourselves. I mention to my wife if we split up and I keep the house she will need to help me pay it, then she explodes at me!
> 
> I probably shouldn't have brought it up at the moment given the situation we are in but I need to understand what financial situation I may find myself in if she leaves as it is I could stand to lose thousands and be liable for more legal fees.
> 
> I spend 10 years aiming to buy a house, when I get there it turns to sh!te. I don't care about the house anymore I just want my marriage to be resolved.


BRAVO! You did nothing wrong. The last thing you should do in this situation is pretend that you are not on the verge of breaking up. She needs to be reminded everyday that she is doing nothing to help you repair the marriage. The reality of what splitting would look and feel like is exactly what a wayward spouse needs. It is reality, your relationship can survive her anger.... It cannot survive an OM. If you are afraid of her anger, you are doomed.


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## jfv

Sillyputty said:


> Yes that was a rather LARGE blunder! You gave in to a weak moment... obviously finances are a concern but you just burdened her with more negative thoughts! Are you sticking with your mantra? Did you even make one? You have both acted selfishly in the past, if you are going to reconcile you need to step up and lead the way. You don't do that by saying "what about me." You need to take "real" comfort in making your wife feel dafe and secure.


Actually, the weak moment was giving her a Valentine's Card. 
Why should you make her feel secure while she is making you feel insecure. This is incredibly weak, and she will see it that way. Women generally aren't attracted to men they don't respect. You need her to respect you, and giving her more than she is giving you will not accomplish this. If you wan't a mantra I'll give you one. Regular visitors to TAM will know this one or some version of this:

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHILE THEY ARE ONLY MAKING YOU AN OPTION. 

Hopefully it'll click for you sooner than later.


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## Shaggy

You did good saying that. It hopefully jarred her hearing that you are strong enough to call the situation what it is. Up to now she has had title control, it was her deciding to leave. It was her deciding if the marriage would continue, it was all under her control her decision.

Possibly for the first time she realized you are thinking about this ending, you are no longing having blind faith in her.


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## terrence4159

rob again sorry about what you are going through, yes your wife has checked out, she is torn uncertainty but lust of the om (sorry suck at spelling) and a security blanket in you. 

but in a perfect world you would follow the advice here and either move on or shock her back into reality. but realisticly you will follow you gut and heart and will 95% end badly.

shock her man get divorce papers hit her with them if she wants the 2 weeks, you always can stop the D at anytime. everyone on here wants you and your wife to live happily ever after facts though it doesnt always happen.

im not the best husband and told that to my wife tonight told her sorry im not more loving (kissing/hugging/telling her i love her maybe 1 or 2 i love yous a week she tells me EVERYDAY) she looked at me i knew what you were like when i married you. you are a great husband and i love you for WHO YOU ARE i will never expect more its not you I LOVE YOU. if this marriage doesnt work out rob the woman you deserve IS OUT THERE.


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## strugglinghusband

Rob1980 said:


> Just thought I would post an update been a bit of an up and down day!
> 
> Left a valentines card for my wife in her bathroom so when she woke up she would see it, she loved the message I wrote, gave me a long hug and said that thank you so much. I dropped her off at work this morning and she wanted me to give her a quick peck on the cheak which I did. She also had out her wedding ring back on.
> 
> IDR you saying she was not wearing her ring, that is a bad sign(not wearing it, shows she's really checked out), be careful that she is throwing false signals by putting it back on, just to keep you appeased for the time being, not saying thats the case but keep it in your thoughts about it, dont get all over the top and be start being super duper husband....look at me look at me...choose me.. choose me I'm the best, makes you look weak.
> 
> Came home early as we had appointment with our house builder to chose carpets, tiles etc which neither of us where in the mood to do as we may not move into house together - in fact if we don't stay together i am contemplating not completing on the house and losing the deposit.
> 
> Heck with the house at this point, you can always rebound and build later down the road, your starting think correctly here
> 
> Anyway we where about 1000 over our carpet and tilling allowance so we will have to pay for that ourselves. I mention to my wife if we split up and I keep the house she will need to help me pay it, then she explodes at me!
> 
> I probably shouldn't have brought it up at the moment given the situation we are in but I need to understand what financial situation I may find myself in if she leaves as it is I could stand to lose thousands and be liable for more legal fees.
> 
> Fantastic, and Yes you were right to bring it up, it affects you both...she should also be thinking of the fall out if things dont work out, what she would be responsable for to, I mean she wants time to figure out if she wants to stay in this marriage, why wouldnt she be think of eveything
> 
> I spend 10 years aiming to buy a house, when I get there it turns to sh!te. I don't care about the house anymore I just want my marriage to be resolved.


It will take the both of you to fix it, you cant do it by yourself....


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## Sillyputty

jfv said:


> Actually, the weak moment was giving her a Valentine's Card.
> Why should you make her feel secure while she is making you feel insecure. This is incredibly weak, and she will see it that way. Women generally aren't attracted to men they don't respect. You need her to respect you, and giving her more than she is giving you will not accomplish this. If you wan't a mantra I'll give you one. Regular visitors to TAM will know this one or some version of this:
> 
> NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHILE THEY ARE ONLY MAKING YOU AN OPTION.
> 
> Hopefully it'll click for you sooner than later.


I like your mantra but I'm not sure if that's where "they" are at. What if it has been years of being emotionally absent on the OP's part that has caused this? He pretty much stated that himself. Are you suggesting more of the same? His wife is allegedly weak and depressed, I could be wrong but I don't think shock therapy is the way to go here. I'm not saying he shouldn't be firm and direct (he definitely should), my question (to him) is--has he EVER done due diligence in making his wife feel loved, safe and secure? I ask this becasue I neglected my wife for 15 years before I had the "awakening." Fortunately she stuck around long enough for me to mend my ways. This is not to say his wife (nor mine) is w/o fault but rather HE needs to be the catalyst for change. If he can be firm, decisive, loving and self-LESS throughout this process (all things he has been lacking in the past), only then will he earn back the trust and respect of his wife. Does this leave him vulnerable? You bet it does... but as many/most people in mature, healthy, in-tact marriages can attest, a necessary ingredient to this is taking the risk to be vulnerable. There is self sacrifice involved here, if it does not work out then you pick up the pieces and move on. My take is that OP has never really made the basic sacrifice of committing to his W or the marriage. If I am wrong well Rob then go ahead and rip into her.


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## skb

No doubt the time alone would be to see if she can works things out with her guy. Tell her she can have all the time she needs after you tell her you're filing for divorce.


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## Rob1980

All,

Thanks for your continued thoughts and support. I will try to respond to all your questions.

Fistly - Just an update, my wife left a few hours ago, at first I was fine but now I can feel that kick in the gut, that despair of not being apart of your loved ones life for a while, no contact, not being able to share day to day events, laughs, and worries. I know this is going to be tougher that i thought it was going to be - sitting at home alone.

Sillyputty - You asked if I had done my due dillegence over the years. In some respects I have, such as the financials, I have kept a roof over our head, paid all the bills and now buying a new house - well was buying our very first house (wont go into that at the moment). However emotionally, I definatley have not done my due dillegence. I have neglected her emotional needs and at times sexual needs. I think i checked out for a while, looking back now it is so clear to me that I had neglected her, I see the flaws, I see the issues but is it too late? Well thats up to my wife to decide that now.

You also mentioned _"So it sounds like she "wants" a future with you, I really think you guys have just done a poor job of nurtuing the relationship" _

Your spot on, we have done a poor job of nurturing our relationship, I know my love for her is so very strong but I also know things need to change, we need to nurture it to make it work, I just hope she realises this.


Strugglinghusband - I am not being the amazing husband she allways wanted, as right now she doesnt want me to be, she jut wants to think, however I have told her I know what I did, I know I neglected your needs, I know how I can try to start to fix myself and our relationship but she needs to want the same thing - again she has to decide over these 2 weeks if thats what she wants. As you say, it will take both of us to fix this, not just me. 

terrence4159 - Thanks for your thoughts, unfortunatley issuing divorce papers on my wife wouldnt have the desired effect, if you back her into a corner she will just bite. I am following my heart, and this is to tell my wife I am very sorry for neglecting her, and that I know we can fix things. She needs to want to come back and work on things otherwise we wont be able to truly fix this.

Shaggy - I think she realises I am now thinking about life after this marrage (if it comes to that) like you say. I will do anything to prevent this marraige ending however if she decides it over I need to start moving on straight away, as hard as that will be. If I dont move on straight away I know I will go into a place I may never come out off, i have been there before and cannot go there again!

Appologies if I havent responded to all, I will shortly. I am feeling very miserable right now, I want to text my wife but know i cant. She is my best friend, and right now i need my best friend but I cant go to her. This is going to be a very tough 2 weeks.


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## terrence4159

well good luck to you rob i cant sit and watch you let her walk all over you with that i bid you good luck and fairwell


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## happyman64

It will only be a rough 2 weeks if you let it. 

Make your list of improvements needed for yourself and start today. No crying, no pouting.

You got two weeks so use them wisely.

And ponder the future and prepare for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regga

Will be thinking about you Rob. It's so effing hard! Even if your relationship makes it, it's hard. I can't give much to you to ease the pain, but I do know it almost always gets worse before it gets better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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