# Frazzled's sad update



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

In one of my last threads I talked about how my marriage was on the upswing. Well, wife moved out about a month ago to house where one of our kids lives.

This is kinda related to the last couple of threads regarding honesty. My first thread discussed how my wife wasn't honest with me before we married. She hid being raped and being in an abusive relationship.

Lots of years of fighting about sex, she finally agreed to once a week sex. It seemed to work for awhile.
One of the things I had noticed was when she started to enjoy too much, she would shut down the encounter.

About a month ago, we had been on a day long date, traveling around country, hitting a breakfast spot, etc.

The next day, we were sitting & talking and I asked her if there was anything I could do to make things better.

She told me she was tired of talking about it & needed time away. She said she would move back home in 10 days. Well 10 days came & went, I left her alone during that time, as far as I could tell she was either at house with one of our kids or working.

I asked her after 10 days when she was moving back and she said "I'm not".
She said "I feel like I am dead from the waist down. I love you and am willing to let you go find someone that wants to be with you."

So I have had my initial visit with attorney. 33 years of trying to be the best husband I could be. I'm not perfect, but I was always working on improving. Took me too many years to realize I can't fix her.

Gonna be starting over in my mid 50's.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Welcome to the party. 


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’m sooooo sorry. Just so sorry. Please stick with us while you go through this. It’s just devastating no matter how strong we are, there’s a period where you just really need support.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, brother. I thought you guys had made it. 

Some people simply can't completely escape their demons. 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that. 

No, you can't fix her. Those situations rarely turn around without intensive therapy and sometimes not even then. The damage often is too much to overcome. The really unfortunate thing about it is we usually don't realize just how bad it is when we're young. We think we'll outgrow it. But we don't and we're usually deep into a long marriage by the time we accept that we're not going to. 

Right now she's probably feeling relief that it's done but it's also possible she'll change her mind. Be prepared just in case.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> 33 years of trying to be the best husband I could be. I'm not perfect, but I was always working on improving. Took me too many years to realize I can't fix her.
> 
> Gonna be starting over in my mid 50's.


Sorry it went like this for you, but it is a common sequence when you marry a trauma victim. She was wrong to keep it from you for all that time. It was cruel to put you through all that agony of trying to figure out how to make her happy and how to make the marriage relationship good. She wasn't intentionally trying to harm you, yet she did. 

You have the right to be bitter (or whatever label you would like to put on it) for what she did, and you can feel sorry for her at the same time. You can be confident you did far more than was required of you as her friend and husband. 

This song hits home for me, and is one in my set I play for audiences.






My marriage was as long as yours, and I was clueless for most of it about my xw's trauma history. I blamed myself for some unknown fault which must have caused her to be the way she was with me after we got married.

There are many good women out there looking for a good man. Take your time to be alone before you start dating. Go slow when you do date. You need time to heal. I found a great woman (and a few non-matches along the way!), almost by accident when I wasn't looking. Better days are ahead for you!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> In one of my last threads I talked about how my marriage was on the upswing. Well, wife moved out about a month ago to house where one of our kids lives.
> 
> This is kinda related to the last couple of threads regarding honesty. My first thread discussed how my wife wasn't honest with me before we married. She hid being raped and being in an abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry. It takes two to tango and she didn't want to take lessons.

I guess I can't comprehend not wanting to work through your personal nonsense to have a successful marriage to the one you love.

Sounds like you did way more than you had to. I would have probably given her a spankin and said goodbye.:wink2:

Again, really sorry.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The only thing I feel like doing right now is parking my Lund Tyee about 20 yards off a weed bed and do some casting.
Or, maybe some time watching some sunsets from the tree stand. NO Dating.

At our last meeting, I gave her a hug while I was crying, getting ready to leave. I said "Maybe once my balls shrivel up & drop off, we can live together again".

She said "At least you can laugh thru the tears."

Just hope divorce doesn't kill finances. My youngest is a high school senior and is a genius. I've been trying to save up to help him thru college. Be a real waste of talent if he doesn't continue on to college. He's been given a great gift of a brain.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Please keep us updated if it pleases you.

Like @Thor, you are another one I really want to see come out the other side.

Do you bow hunt? If so, what kind of set up do you shoot?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Thinking of you.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Please keep us updated if it pleases you.
> 
> Like @Thor, you are another one I really want to see come out the other side.
> 
> ...


I have a Golden Eagle Falcon Flame I bought from the Springfield Bass Pro Shop many years ago.
Was traveling thru with my wife. We had hit some other stores and she spent quite a bit of money. We were driving and she said "How come you haven't said anything about the money I've spent", I replied "Cuz when we get to Bass Pro, I don't want to hear a word!" >

I also have a old Martin bow that I used to shoot Archery league with. That kinda fell by the wayside with the kids came along. Maybe after the youngest goes off to college, I will see if there still is a archery league around. I used to make my own custom aluminum arrows., Custom paint & fletching. I used to notch the vane so when you released, you would hear the hiss/whistle & then the thump when arrow hit the target.

Thanks for the question, haven't thought about that in a long time.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A few things to remember....

When they say "it's not you, it's me" ...they are right. 

When they say, "It's not about you." As ridiculous as it sounds, they are right.

And it's ok to be sad....just don't get stuck there. 

It'll get better....it'll be alright. 

Take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is a devastating blow for all of you. I’m sorry to hear this.

Join the archery club now. Parents deserve to follow some of their dreams too, and it sounds like you have sacrificed plenty of them already.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I have a Golden Eagle Falcon Flame I bought from the Springfield Bass Pro Shop many years ago.
> 
> Was traveling thru with my wife. We had hit some other stores and she spent quite a bit of money. We were driving and she said "How come you haven't said anything about the money I've spent", I replied "Cuz when we get to Bass Pro, I don't want to hear a word!" >
> 
> ...


A Martin Guy. My man.

I used to shoot NFAA years ago. My buddy was a Martin staff shooter...toxonics scope...20 foot sabilizer...lol. I was never that good.

However, the advantage was that at the beginning of each season, he would get a new bow of his choice from their line, and I would buy his bow from the previous year for a ridiculously discounted rate. 

The last bow I shot competitively was a Martin Scepter II with a red finish (dating myself here). I loved that bow, but sold it some time ago after a couple years of collecting dust on the rack. 

Go find an archery club. Shoot at some 3D targets and junk some arrows from misjudging distance. Do it with friends so you can talk some trash when they do it, too. 

You are going to be okay, brother. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear this OP, I am so sad for you.

Much love to you x


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I was about your age when divorced--best thing that ever happened to me after trying with all I had in an impossible situation. It's a shame she was not honest about her intentions from the beginning. Do not question yourself.

Sadness will get better. Life will lead you on a new journey with positive possibilities.

Your genius son will be ok. Mine was so good at so much and he did not realize how gifted he was. That can be a complication...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry dude. Mourn for a while but don't assume your life is over.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> In one of my last threads I talked about how my marriage was on the upswing. Well, wife moved out about a month ago to house where one of our kids lives.
> 
> This is kinda related to the last couple of threads regarding honesty. My first thread discussed how my wife wasn't honest with me before we married. She hid being raped and being in an abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


*Welcome to the club, Brother!

Always rest assured that I'll/We'll be here for you if you ever want or need to talk about it in greater detail!*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Just hope divorce doesn't kill finances. My youngest is a high school senior and is a genius. I've been trying to save up to help him thru college. Be a real waste of talent if he doesn't continue on to college. He's been given a great gift of a brain.


The first while is harder financially, but then it gets way better. I slept on a mattress from a pull-out couch for a couple of months. The hot water heater crapped out the first day in my new house, and the warranty company took over a month to get it fixed, so I was heating water on the stove to take a bath! Fortunately I travel a lot at work, so I could shower on my trips. My kitchen was very poorly equipped at first, but I acquired the tools I wanted over time.

After about a year I realized I had more spendable income single than I had married.

Becoming single is an opportunity to make your life and your living space the way *you* want it. It did take a while, maybe a year, before I stopped thinking about what others might prefer or think about something like painting a room or what new stove to buy.

No doubt divorce in your 50's changes the long term finances since you lose half your net worth. My retirement numbers are not as good as I had wanted them to be. But, you are in control now of your finances. You can live as frugally as you want to, or not. You prioritize your $$. Save, spend, invest, donate. You will feel empowered.

Regarding your son, he will be fine. There are many options out there with grants and scholarships. I would advise to avoid student loans unless he is on fire for a particular career that pays well (e.g. engineering, computers, etc).

I quickly discovered that what I missed most about being married was having someone to come home to and talk about the day. I didn't miss my xw really, just having somebody there. The relationship had been so dead for so long that the divorce was really a formality which allowed me to move on to the next phase of my life.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@FrazzledSadHusband, I am so very sorry to hear that your marriage is coming to an end. I know that you fought long and hard to work through the issues. 

Change is difficult, especially when it feels like you're being forced because you have no other choice. I'm here to tell you, you don't have to like it and you have every right to feel whatever emotion you are feeling. Don't feel like you have to bottle those feelings up. Let it out. Lean on others to help you through this life change. Best thing I did was to find a divorce support group through my church and hire a life coach. I also relied a lot on the compassion and wisdom of many of the folks here on TAM. 

Part of the process to healing is allowing yourself to feel and express the pain/hurt/anger but do so in a healthy and productive manner. Don't get stuck in those emotions. And one way not to get stuck is to acknowledge deep down in your soul that you did everything in your power to work through your issues in the marriage. Continue on your life's path without regrets.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I always had a problem with my English accent 

Just want to say I'm living the dream of single at 59. It's not bad if kids or property aren't involved. But then I was separated for well over a year.

Will you be going dating at 55 or 60? Not sure. I'm not. Not for the obvious reasons tho. I got bigger fish to fry. I'll explain later this weekend.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

john117 said:


> .... No . Mm. Mm
> My, m
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


I have no idea what you just said but I liked it anyway because, welcome back!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry....I can feel the pain in your post.

You will be ok. Mourn as you see fit and keep yourself active.

If you don't run or cycle I recommend both. Especially cycling as it is quite time consuming and as such absorbs more pain and stress.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> Sorry it went like this for you, but it is a common sequence when you marry a trauma victim. She was wrong to keep it from you for all that time. It was cruel to put you through all that agony of trying to figure out how to make her happy and how to make the marriage relationship good. She wasn't intentionally trying to harm you, yet she did.
> 
> You have the right to be bitter (or whatever label you would like to put on it) for what she did, and you can feel sorry for her at the same time. You can be confident you did far more than was required of you as her friend and husband.
> 
> ...


Sounds too familiar. 

Take care of yourself.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Poignant and leaving me wondering how I will know it is time.
This bit from thor feels too familiar.


Thor said:


> --snip-- I didn't miss my xw really, just having somebody there. The relationship had been so dead for so long that the divorce was really a formality which allowed me to move on to the next phase of my life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am so sorry... so many thoughts to run through, just be careful to own the right ones because lessons are really tailor made for us, by us.

One of the hardest lessons for me to understand, yet best, was there comes a time when the decisions of others do not reflect the value you brought.

The choice she made, like most other choices made, are the outcome of suffering that was not reconciled... she did her best even if it was not enough to keep your marriage intact. 

We cannot judge the efforts made, we are not in their spirit, but in the end when hindsight begins to open up the heart and we try to understand the shared suffering both endured with kindness and compassion of one we once loved in marriage, it is easier to say "thank you".

Your levity showed wonderful compassion in your pain, namaste brother.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

FSH... how are you going?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Absurdist said:


> FSH... how are you going?


I just paid the attorney fee to get everything going. My 18yo son had a bad night a couple days ago. He's still trying to get used to the idea.

Doesn't help that stbxw packed a bag & has had minimal contact with him.

There has never been any abuse, threats of violence, etc, in our house.

I've told her we could sleep in separate rooms so our son can still see both of us. No go.

He's a high school senior and will be moving onto college next year.

She's missing out on the last year of fairly close contact with her son.

I don't get it.

Of course, this whole situation makes me feel like it's a out of body experience. I'm just watching it unfold.

When I feel down, I remind myself that it was a 50/50 bet that divorce would happen when I started pushing my wife to go to counseling. 

Just waiting for all the paperwork to get filed & then mediation. STBXW says she wants to spend as little as possible on lawyers, so hopefully we can be done quickly.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Are you CERTAIN there is not someone else?

Not that it would change your current trajectory, but her behavior would be explained much more if there were.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Are you CERTAIN there is not someone else?
> 
> Not that it would change your current trajectory, but her behavior would be explained much more if there were.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


She's staying at a house where another of our son's live. Although going to work, etc would still give her plenty of time to mess around.

I have considered it because something happened about a week before she left. She does not normally have a lot of "friends" popping on on FB. When I logged into my FB, it told me "W has made friends with X". She was also texting a bit with him. I didn't ask, but was going into info gathering mode. Out of the blue she tells me about getting a FB request from this guy that she used to go to college with. She said "not dating", just someone in the same circle of friends.

Of course, with her track record of honesty with me & the counselor, I was trying to gather info more after that possible pre-emptive bit of info sharing.

It was about a week later when I asked her a question about improving how she felt about things when she threw a fit & left.

I guess the proof will be in the pudding once the divorce is final. If she suddenly is hooked up with this guy or someone else, then I will know.

You are right, my trajectory has not & will not change. I did my best, (and then some), to be a patient supportive husband. I spent time with her, the kids, always had at least one job, didn't cheat, didn't abuse, never came home drunk or wasted money.

In fact, on more than one occasion, my wife would be crabby after talking with her sisters. I'd ask why, she said that 2 of her sisters had said "I wish my H would treat me the way Frazzled treats you".

For some reason, that just pissed her off???

I don't believe cheating will affect divorce result. As long as she is being cooperative about divorce, I am pushing to git r done! I've accepted the fact I am getting divorced. What pisses me off is how she can ignore the son still at home.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Are you CERTAIN there is not someone else?
> 
> Not that it would change your current trajectory, but her behavior would be explained much more if there were.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Coming from a Mod, my thoughts too.

We are, have been 'conditioned' to think this way.

Keep tabs on her, especially 'that which' was said to be dead.

I wish the best for you and your STBXW. 

Everyone deserves to be happy, ah, happy, as is possible.




The Typist I-


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> In fact, on more than one occasion, my wife would be crabby after talking with her sisters. I'd ask why, she said that 2 of her sisters had said "I wish my H would treat me the way Frazzled treats you".
> 
> For some reason, that just pissed her off???


Because the sisters didn't validate her opinion of you and the way she, W, mentally rewrote your marital history.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> She's staying at a house where another of our son's live. Although going to work, etc would still give her plenty of time to mess around.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She doesn't like you.

That is why her sister's comments pissed her off. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

farsidejunky said:


> She doesn't like you.
> 
> That is why her sister's comments pissed her off.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Yup. People hate having their delusions questioned. It angers them, because if your identity is built on a delusion, it's very threatening to have it questioned.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> She doesn't like you.
> 
> That is why her sister's comments pissed her off.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


This is why TAM is so helpful. I never really gave that any thought.
Always a different way to look at things, I guess.

Her comments always puzzled me. I've been around her family for 33+ years. I get along with almost all of them. I've spent more time with her side then mine fishing, hunting, etc. Even worked with some of them.

So her being po'd was confusing.

Not that it matters anymore. I've talked to her relatives after the divorce news came out. The ones I've hunted, fished, & worked with have all said "Nothings changed, you're always welcome".

That was nice to hear.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This is why TAM is so helpful. I never really gave that any thought.
> Always a different way to look at things, I guess.
> 
> Her comments always puzzled me. I've been around her family for 33+ years. I get along with almost all of them. I've spent more time with her side then mine fishing, hunting, etc. Even worked with some of them.
> ...


Wait until one of her family members tries to set you up with someone... the **** will hit the fan then for sure.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> In fact, on more than one occasion, my wife would be crabby after talking with her sisters. I'd ask why, she said that 2 of her sisters had said "I wish my H would treat me the way Frazzled treats you".
> 
> For some reason, that just pissed her off???


When my mess was going on everyone told my ex the same thing, and it infuriated her everytime someone told her that. She just cut all those people out of her life along with me. People get an idea in there head and they don't like to be told they are wrong or they should question the decision.....


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

FSH - something is going on in your STBXW’s head (may only be known to her). Cutting you out of her life is one thing... cutting a son out is altogether different. This is a break down of some sort. If she is at another son’s home, what does he say? You need to get to the bottom of this not for yourself, but for the sake of your son. Something is bad wrong here.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Spend extra time with 18 year old son. He needs you and he also may even inadvertently know something about her that causes him grief. IMO there is more to the story with mom and both son's relationships.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

sunsetmist said:


> Spend extra time with 18 year old son. He needs you and he also may even inadvertently know something about her that causes him grief. IMO there is more to the story with mom and both son's relationships.


I took 2 of my 3 kids fishing last weekend. Spent about 6 hours in the boat & getting burgers at a bar on the lake. I have been spending as much time as possible with my youngest. If he knows something I don't, such as mom has a new bf, he would go ballistic on her. He would be dumping her. He had a gf in the past that was pushing for an exclusive, no dating anyone else relationship. He said fine, then found out she was dating around. He dumped her quickly. He says "There's no place for crap in my life".

Thanks for your thoughts.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> She doesn't like you.
> 
> That is why her sister's comments pissed her off.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Wow... if there were "ah-ha's" in my life this would be one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Wait until one of her family members tries to set you up with someone... the **** will hit the fan then for sure.


There might be something wrong with me but this really made me smile!>


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Wait until one of her family members tries to set you up with someone... the **** will hit the fan then for sure.


I should give you a frowny face! I had just taken a drink when I read this, almost blew it out my nose.

This actually has happened in my STBXW's family. Her sister cheated on & got dumped by her long time committed BF about 3-4 years ago. Everyone in family thought sister was nuts to drop BF. About 8 months later, someone in the family did setup old BF with a date. 

Yaa, that was a nuclear event. Thing is, most of the family told her, your still family, but ya don't cheat. We don't care if your upset that we set him up with a date.

I do think my wife had a breakdown of sorts. I know there is a lot I don't know. While we were in last counseling sessions a few years back, the counselor wanted to do a "sexual history" exercise. My wife almost literally ran out of office, and she refused to do it. Refused to talk to me about it afterwards too.

But now if you were to follow me around, you would hear me say out loud "*It doesn't matter"* I keep thinking things over and I have to keep telling myself that. It doesn't matter.

I got my house paid off about 2 years ago, now I will have to sell it. "It doesn't matter"

Right now, I am focusing on the following.
1. Getting thru the divorce process.
2. Evaluate what faults I have & what I need to change in myself.
3. Work on getting in better shape.
4. If/when I feel like dating again, I will be having some very serious conversations if I start getting serious with someone. Discussions of what is desired/expected in marriage from both sides & a clear understanding that relationship will end immediately if something undisclosed becomes a major problem in relationship.

In a perfect world, I think we should give the person we are getting ready to be married to a form with a list of most sexual activities. Have checkboxes that are Yes /Hell NO. Try to get around the people that will argue semantics about what "is" is.

I walked into local gas station the other day & a lady struck up a conversation with me. She was very pleasant to talk to. I didn't think anything of it until I was driving home. I started thinking, what will I be looking for whenever I get past divorce issues, possibly? 

At this point I came up with 3 things. Common interests so we could do things together, a healthy/normal attitude towards sex, and a nice smile. Other than that, heavy, skinny, tall, short, redhead, blonde, I don't think that will matter. Personality will be major factor, and a willingness to serve box lunches at the Y. >


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I I had just taken a drink when I read this, almost blew it out my nose.
> 
> At this point I came up with 3 things. Common interests so we could do things together, a healthy/normal attitude towards sex, and a nice smile. Other than that, heavy, skinny, tall, short, redhead, blonde, I don't think that will matter. Personality will be major factor, *and a willingness to serve box lunches at the Y*. >



Bahahahaha! You are going to be just fine....> I plan on stealing your line today, FSH. Best wishes to you, and thank you for the early morning laugh!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I got my house paid off about 2 years ago, now I will have to sell it. "It doesn't matter"


Uhhg. Just Uhhg on that.




FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Right now, I am focusing on the following.
> 2.* Evaluate what faults I have & what I need to change in myself.*


Make sure that you are not hyper-critical upon yourself here.
Look at the whole picture.
Things that you might think are a fault might be due to you wife.

Make sure you look with some levity. Otherwise you might end up crying.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Brother, I love that comment about the Y. You are going to be fine.

You also have an incredibly healthy attitude about hindsight. You are using it to increase your wisdom rather than to alter your trajectory.

Your wife has clearly had sexual trauma in her past...and it is escaping me as to whether or not you've said so previously on the forum.

About the time your emotions want to paint her as conniving and evil, just remember that *hurt people hurt people*...which is why she has done what she has done...and why your emotions want to paint her that way. None of us are immune to it.

Despite the pain she has caused you, she likely deserves your pity more than anything.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

snerg said:


> Uhhg. Just Uhhg on that.


Minor setback.

My ex asked for a divorce 2 days after paying off the house, it was the one thing split evenly in the end.

I downsized and reinvested in a smaller residence and saved to pay it off.

2 years later I now fully own that residence too and can think about retirement again.

Trust the process.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I have considered it because something happened about a week before she left. She does not normally have a lot of "friends" popping on on FB. When I logged into my FB, it told me "W has made friends with X". She was also texting a bit with him. I didn't ask, but was going into info gathering mode. Out of the blue she tells me about getting a FB request from this guy that she used to go to college with. She said "not dating", just someone in the same circle of friends.
> 
> Of course, with her track record of honesty with me & the counselor, I was trying to gather info more after that possible pre-emptive bit of info sharing.
> 
> ...


There are so many things you will never know. It won't be very long before you really don't care that you don't know. Right now you are probably still feeling stung and triggered because of her dishonesty with you, but once you are on your own it will cease to be important what is or isn't true with her.

I figure my xw's history is far different than she has ever admitted to, and I believe there are many deceptions (and wrongs) she has perpetrated against me which I will never know about. But those don't matter any more. You'll find peace about all this pretty quickly after the divorce is finalized.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry to hear all of this @FrazzledSadHusband, but I truly believe based on your response to current events in your life that you have a much brighter future ahead of you with a warm loving woman who appreciates you in it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> I always had a problem with my English accent
> 
> Just want to say I'm living the dream of single at 59. It's not bad if kids or property aren't involved. But then I was separated for well over a year.
> 
> Will you be going dating at 55 or 60? Not sure. I'm not. Not for the obvious reasons tho. I got bigger fish to fry. I'll explain later this weekend.


Any news on this, John?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This is why TAM is so helpful. I never really gave that any thought.
> Always a different way to look at things, I guess.
> 
> Her comments always puzzled me. I've been around her family for 33+ years. I get along with almost all of them. I've spent more time with her side then mine fishing, hunting, etc. Even worked with some of them.
> ...


I think that I used to underestimate the pressure that women are under to be the "good one". 
The more I think about it, the more it explains many things I did not understand. 
And, suffering and being the victim is often equate with being the goodie. Essentially, what she hears is her sister saying "Your husband is the goodie, so you are the baddie".
Remember that it is pretty much never about you, it is her story and you are a character in it. Her sister's comment sidelined her and diminished her.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Brother, I’m 53 and will be starting over soon too. I never thought I would be in this position either. Try to remember the good times you two had and don’t beat yourself up focusing on the what-ifs. Kick back, enjoy spending time with your kids, friends and hobbies. And when you’re ready, the women will be waiting!


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## Acosarecsta (Aug 22, 2020)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> In one of my last threads I talked about how my marriage was on the upswing. Well, wife moved out about a month ago to house where one of our kids lives.
> 
> This is kinda related to the last couple of threads regarding honesty. My first thread discussed how my wife wasn't honest with me before we married. She hid being raped and being in an abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


Til death dude, 33 years, find a solution, my wife just told me after 34 years, you do not no what it is like on receiving end. I am still praying for her heart to change. Change your heart! Find a solution


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Acosarecsta said:


> Til death dude, 33 years, find a solution, my wife just told me after 34 years, you do not no what it is like on receiving end. I am still praying for her heart to change. Change your heart! Find a solution


You know not every marriage is worth saving. Stop telling everyone to just suck it up and stay in it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

So sorry to hear that... i am a regular reader but not a regular poster but have followed your story as it resonates with me. I hope your son continues his education, our kids can pick up the slack for us a bit, but not the same. I wish you well. 33 years is a long time to invest.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I have been spending as much time as possible with my youngest. If he knows something I don't, such as mom has a new bf, he would go ballistic on her. He would be dumping her.


Children don't typically dump their parents. Even if they disapprove of their actions. It's entirely possible that they would want to stay out of it. Also mom could be discrete and the kids wouldn't have a clue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you have an update, @FrazzledSadHusband?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Right now, I am focusing on the following.
> 1. Getting thru the divorce process.
> 2. Evaluate what faults I have & what I need to change in myself.
> 3. Work on getting in better shape.
> 4. If/when I feel like dating again, I will be having some very serious conversations if I start getting serious with someone. Discussions of what is desired/expected in marriage from both sides & a clear understanding that relationship will end immediately if something undisclosed becomes a major problem in relationship.


Love all these and am doing the exact same (1-3). As for 4, I think if we take anything positive from a failed relationship, it's to learn what to do/not do and what to look for next time around. I'm thinking about compiling a list that includes my "must haves". And at the top will be things I overlooked in my STBX....things that played a big part in the failure of our marriage. And in full disclosure, I know she could list my shortcomings too. So I'm not blaming her. But saying I was love struck and overlooked things we didn't have in common that I don't want to overlook next time (religious beliefs, social beliefs, etc). And then not deviating from that list. That's where I have problems. Unfortunately when our spouse leaves us, most want to rush into another relationship and that's never a good thing. So I'm praying for strength. Also this board really helps.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dadto2 said:


> Love all these and am doing the exact same (1-3). As for 4, I think if we take anything positive from a failed relationship, it's to learn what to do/not do and what to look for next time around. I'm thinking about compiling a list that includes my "must haves". And at the top will be things I overlooked in my STBX....things that played a big part in the failure of our marriage. And in full disclosure, I know she could list my shortcomings too. So I'm not blaming her. But saying I was love struck and overlooked things we didn't have in common that I don't want to overlook next time (religious beliefs, social beliefs, etc). And then not deviating from that list. That's where I have problems. Unfortunately when our spouse leaves us, most want to rush into another relationship and that's never a good thing. So I'm praying for strength. Also this board really helps.


As the creator of this thread hasn't been around in a long time it might be worth you starting a thread of your own?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This thread has been reopened at the request of the OP, @FrazzledSadHusband.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Well, there was someone else. Her "just a friend from college", the guy I mentioned earlier in this thread, was chatting her up via FB messaging. Soon as I sold my tractors & tools and she got half the money, she flew across country to see him. He posted a picture on FB and tagged her. My kids went ballistic when they saw it. My ex called and accused me of turning the kids against her. I told her "I didn't have to say a word. They had you marked as Following on FB, when your bf tagged you, it popped up right away for them". Since 2 of the kids had SO's cheat on them, they weren't impressed. I had to talk to my youngest several times and tell him "Not you're circus, not you're monkey. It's not about you. FOCUS ON GETTING THRU SENIOR YEAR". I am so damn proud of that kid. He pulled a 4.0 senior year, graduated with a cumulative of 3.93. He pulled in some good scholarships.

I am so thankful for this board. My ex tried to get back with me about 8 months after the **** show started. She said "He wasn't what he presented himself as over FB" I said she would have to write a no contact letter, turn over all phone, email & social media passwords. She tried minimize her actions and refused to do any of the above. I said "We have nothing to discuss then, goodbye". (learned that trick on TAM)

The thing that makes me shake my head the most is how vindictive she got during the divorce. She said she would be ok with mediation. She ran up multiple hours of lawyer bills, and refused all offers. Towards the end, I put forth a offer that my lawyer strongly said was not a good idea. I sent it over anyway. Literally 5 minutes later, mediator came back with a counter. My lawyer was speechless. She couldn't believe it. I told mediator to tell ex that I would see her in court and judge could split assets. Couple of weeks later she was more agreeable because she didn't want to risk judge assigning me a more equitable judgement. I said to ex, you wasted all this money we had earmarked for our youngest to go to college. Her response - "He can go get loans".

My takeaways - she left because after many years of me not pushing back, I started to. She had threatened to take kids and I would be lucky to see them every other weekend. NOW before people say "That can't happen", I say ********.
I have seen it happen to several guys. In my area, all the mother has to do is drop a few tears at the hearing and the father loses custody, even if the XW is now running with a crack head.

I started to pushback on multiple issues. She was entitled, used to spending her mom's money before we got married. She had trauma issues, or, she was making stuff up to avoid intimacy, either way, I was done living like I was.

I ain't perfect. I NEVER cheated, never hit her, never came home drunk, always had a job, took her on surprise dates, wrote notes, etc, etc, etc. She simply wanted some OLD strange. Pretty sure her "just a friend" was a **** buddy in college, she just never revealed it before.

I don't want this update to be viewed as negative. I have mourned the loss of a 33 year relationship. I was hoping things would have turned out differently. 

I feel like I just came thru to the other side. 13 months ago she left. Just started to really notice / think about women. Haven't dated yet. 

Life is looking up, just got a new to me pickup. When dealer ran my credit, my score was way better now than when I was married. I spent time fishing with my kids, been sitting out in the tree stand for archery season.

I found 2 podcasts that are good. Lookup WINGMAM Anna Jorgenson and also Strong Successful Male on youtube.

I don't regret spending time with my kids even when marriage sucked. All three kids have HS diplomas, no arrests, no drug problems, and are decent human beings. I have had several conversations with them about things they need to do differently to avoid the crap I dealt with.

And on YouTube I played Luke Combs "When It Rains it Pours" over & over. And when lifting at the gym, I had Nazareth "Now Your Messing with a SOB" blasting in my ears.

There is one verse in Luke Combs song that says it best "What I thought was gonna be the death of me was my saving grace".

update / rant over.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm glad you came back with an update, brother. 

Your wife sounds like she sabotaged all of her relationships for selfishness. Sad, really...

Keep being great, dude. You have a lot left to see and do. Get busy!

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hi Frazzled.
Always enjoy reading your posts. Very sorry this has happened but glad you are accepting it and preparing to move on.
I have an 18 yr old son who is a freahman in college. He’s in a PhD/MD program and I’m very proud of him. My ex dumped me after getting sexual internet attention from men and lost all feelings for me. As someone pointed out, there is a huge chance your wife has her attention on another man. But it’s really unimportant either way. What’s good (I know it doesn’t feel this way, it didn’t for me at the time, either), but it won’t be a huge amount of time and you will almost undoubtedly find a woman who will make you feel a helluva lot more emotional support and closeness than your wife gave you. You’ll feel love again, and you’ll wish you had gotten out a long time ago. Like you, I enjoy the outdoors. I had a hurtful relationship of almost three years end after the ex wife and then rebounded and had a short term marriage of a few months.... live and learn.
I bought some lake property and built a cabin by hand. Took me a year, but she’s done. It helped me escape my thoughts and focus on something. Now I have a relaxing place to fish and enjoy my spare time. You might consider getting obsessed with such a project so you’ll have something to focus on, because the pain is pretty rough if it’s all you have to think about. I wish you lots of luck.

edit: saw this thread and didn’t read to the end before I posted.... ugh


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Frazzled, you're doing great. I have to laugh at the he's not what he presented on FB comment. I'm shocked.....SHOCKED!

I suspect her post divorce life isn't what she expected, and I think that happens a lot. It's telling that she wanted back with you....that tells me she was very stupid. 

I left two husbands, but i can tell you that I have never once thought about going back to either one. There have been times when I've reflected on how it was unfortunate my boys dad and I weren't more compatible for what I think are obvious reasons, but i know we're not and we get along fine these days.

So before you leave a marriage you have to be sure its because you don't want to be with that person and NOT because you think you can do better. In fact, you have to ponder whether you'll be glad you left if you never find another partner, because it could happen.

So you weigh these things. My mom recently passed away, and she left my dad when I was 18. Their marriage wasn't that good so I understood, but the irony was that she eventually did want back in because post divorce life never panned out for her and my dad at least offered a degree of stability that she never had after that. It makes me sad to think of how her final years were. Both of my parents were tough to live with so I don't fault anyone, but post divorce life really didn't go well for her. He struggled to but he was stable....he had other issues.

Your wife was very stupid to throw away something that was good enough for her to wamt back in. I hope you and your kids continue to do well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, that was a shocker! She doesn’t want Back in that bad, though, or she’d provide what OP asked for. I personally think she just wants the security and emotional support he provided and a safe nest while she looks for a replacement. I’m sure that’s exactly how OP felt about it. Hence he wisely said heck no.

yes, you are right in all you said.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I felt she would wake up at some point and she did. You would have ended up greatly regretting it if she had accepted your terms for reconciling. She’s not very bright, truthfully.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Hi Frazzled.
> Always enjoy reading your posts. Very sorry this has happened but glad you are accepting it and preparing to move on.
> I have an 18 yr old son who is a freahman in college. He’s in a PhD/MD program and I’m very proud of him. My ex dumped me after getting sexual internet attention from men and lost all feelings for me. As someone pointed out, there is a huge chance your wife has her attention on another man. But it’s really unimportant either way. What’s good (I know it doesn’t feel this way, it didn’t for me at the time, either), but it won’t be a huge amount of time and you will almost undoubtedly find a woman who will make you feel a helluva lot more emotional support and closeness than your wife gave you. You’ll feel love again, and you’ll wish you had gotten out a long time ago. Like you, I enjoy the outdoors. I had a hurtful relationship of almost three years end after the ex wife and then rebounded and had a short term marriage of a few months.... live and learn.
> I bought some lake property and built a cabin by hand. Took me a year, but she’s done. It helped me escape my thoughts and focus on something. Now I have a relaxing place to fish and enjoy my spare time. You might consider getting obsessed with such a project so you’ll have something to focus on, because the pain is pretty rough if it’s all you have to think about. I wish you lots of luck.
> ...


Thanks for the encouraging words. I had to sell my farm, so I am living in a good sized city now. Kinda driving me nuts, never had a building inspector to deal with in the country. My daughter-in-law really wants to take up archery, so I am starting to teach her. 

I would love to build a cabin. There is nothing that speaks of multiple opportunities like the smell of freshly delivered lumber!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, that was a shocker! She doesn’t want Back in that bad, though, or she’d provide what OP asked for. I personally think she just wants the security and emotional support he provided and a safe nest while she looks for a replacement. I’m sure that’s exactly how OP felt about it. Hence he wisely said heck no.
> 
> yes, you are right in all you said.


I'm pretty sure that's what my mom wanted too. I do think she enjoyed his company on some level.....their backgrounds were similar and they understood each other this way, But she was damaged from her FOO issues (though in fairness so was my dad), and i don't think she really wanted a marriage. She wanted stability and for him to pay for things....ironic because my dad was very stingy. Ridiculously so and he did some ****ty things to me because of his money obsession, so I'm sure he was tough for her to deal with.

But a lot of women....particularly older women....can't really support themselves comfortably, and he apparently wasn't bad enough to keep her from wanting back in.

I can comfortably support myself and so never considered going back to either ex.

My dad wouldn't take her back because there was really nothing in it for him. He told me he'd rather leave his kids his money rather than having her blow through it. When he died in 2012 my mom really thought she should get some of it even though they'd been divorced 20 years. I was his will executor and I said no.

I do think if he had taken her back she would've jumped if a better deal came along and I agree that frazzled's ex would have done the same.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

QFT ... very wise words.



lifeistooshort said:


> So before you leave a marriage you have to be sure its because you don't want to be with that person and NOT because you think you can do better. In fact, you have to ponder whether you'll be glad you left if you never find another partner, because it could happen.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Acosarecsta said:


> Til death dude, 33 years, find a solution, my wife just told me after 34 years, you do not no what it is like on receiving end. I am still praying for her heart to change. Change your heart! Find a solution


I just walked away from a controlling abusive marriage of 35 years.
Not every marriage can be saved, believe me I tried... till the bitter end


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