# Can my marriage be saved?



## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

I need unbiased opinions on this issue, at least as unbiased as a sub-forum of this category can be.

I have been married for 13 years, I have an 11 year old boy and a 3 year old girl, and everything was not wonderful but it has gotten worse, much worse, as of late.
I dated a lot in my 20's. She dated no one. I was her first boyfriend and second person she's slept with (so she says).


Backstory:
13 years ago I was in the US ARMY in a barracks room and I was watching TV and chilling by myself. I had the door open as normal (people come and go). I decided to take a quick shower and went to the latrine. On my way back I passed a Filipino girl about 18 who struck me at first site. We smiled as we passed and I went into my room. 
Few minutes go by and she appears at my doorway, asks to come inside to get away from her friends for a bit, and then we watch TV. Few hours later and many friends coming and going later, we make our way to the bed and lock the door and have fun.
4 months later we're married. I'm head over heels in love.
3 years later after I came back from some training I found some chatroom windows open and looked at them. She had been showing herself off to MULTIPLE guys. One in particular was very much "in love" with her. I confronted her and she said she was moving to be with him and wanted a divorce.
After I threatened to let her go but keep my now 1 year old son she stayed.
10 years later I suffered from depression and insecurities about our marriage and to build trust back with me she offered up a story.

The now:
She told me about two months into our marriage as I was just deployed for the first time and she went out to a party and kissed a guy after flirting with him all night with her friends and his.
Immediately I was horrified and demanded to know more. After two full days (I took days off of work) she ended up saying that she slept with him at our place as her friends were downstairs.
Two days of not eating or sleeping I passed out, body just exhausted.
the very next day she told me she lied to me. She felt I wanted to hear that she slept with him and that she didn't do it and couldn't live with herself and that lie she told so she had to change that.

2 Months have gone by, I still can't believe her. I still feel she cheated, and most likely more then just that one time. During the past 2 months she has said that she only started loving me 4 years ago when I got a good job. She said that I was more of a parent role. She said I was distant and by not taking her out enough during the years where we just didn't have enough money to do so. I know I married her young (19) and that I feel I stole her wild-20's from her but I thought I had a mature respectable wife.

She has admitted to kissing the guy only 2 month into our marriage
She has admitted to going out seeking guys to flirt with up to 4 years into our marriage
She has admitted to having an emotional affair online and falling in love with this guy
She has admitted to resenting me for making her stay with him for the next 5 years until she "fell in love" with me again
She has admitted to thinking of me as a father figure only for 8 years of our marriage
She has said that she wants more experience with other guys who were bigger, smaller, muscular, thinner, all gambits, she said she wants to explore her possibilities, that she wants to "know" herself outside of just a wife, and the kicker? That she love me and always has (I know it's against what she already said) that she wants to be with me forever, and that she is now in love with me.

My question?
Am I an idiot or blind or to much in love to see what's going on? Have I given her to many chances already? 
I firmly believe she slept around in our marriage early on, she KNOWS I'd leave her over this. By her not telling me to truth it is making it worse for me. I can't sleep well, my body is suffering, I can't think about her without thinking about her with other guys.

How do I overcome the mistrust, the lying, the cheating, the deceit, the hurt? 
We tried counseling and reaching out to family members. None worked.

Anyone out there with anything similar I would love some feedback. Be honest please, I'm tired of indirectness.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

ssmith3d said:


> I need unbiased opinions on this issue, at least as unbiased as a sub-forum of this category can be.
> 
> I have been married for 13 years, I have an 11 year old boy and a 3 year old girl, and everything was not wonderful but it has gotten worse, much worse, as of late.
> I dated a lot in my 20's. She dated no one. I was her first boyfriend and second person she's slept with (so she says).
> ...


Betrayed wife here. 

This women is truly immature to play mind games with your after the emotional affair discovery. 

Cheating early in the marriage is always a bad sign, according to all the infidelity literature. 

The fact that she claims you are a father figure and she was angry because you weren't earning enough money also says she married you for the money. 

The fact that she want's to now play the field is insulting and not a good sign. 

That means you are her fall back position in case nothing else works out. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair is the same type of person. She was 20 plus years younger than my STBEH and she even mentioned in one of her emails that her friends say she has father issues. Her father abandoned her as a child 

She married a very wealthy man her own age, but only for money. In her emails she said she can't stand to be touched by him, and thinks he's unattractive and is embarrassed to be seen with him and hates sex with him so she avoids it.

She was however, she says, sexually attracted to my STBEH. 

In any case I am using those illustrations to show you that your wife seems immature and self absorbed like most immature people. 

Lastly, she was very aggressive with you sexually, making the first move to stay in your room. 

Hence, she is likely sexually aggressive with the affairs. 

The OW in my case was always the aggressor based on the interactions between them, I read, and heard.

To answer your question though. No, you are NOT an idiot and you are too blind to see that this women likely targeted you for citizenship in the U.S. 

Now that she's here, she is looking for greener pastures.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You are me some 20 months ago!

Tough situation.

Find out full truth before making the decision to stay or leave.

Don't get angry, which will make things only worse.

Get to your doctor, take care of yourself.

Get tested for STD.

More later.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Am I an idiot or blind or to much in love to see what's going on? 

*You are not an idiot, but you are blind to see that she is not the faithful type. But to be fair, when we love someone we are often blinded by trust.*

Have I given her to many chances already? 

*If it was me I would say yes. But you have to figure out when enough is enough for you.*

I firmly believe she slept around in our marriage early on, she KNOWS I'd leave her over this. By her not telling me to truth it is making it worse for me. I can't sleep well, my body is suffering, I can't think about her without thinking about her with other guys.

*Actually she knows you won't leave. You allow her to keep doing these things without punishment. The fact that she can see you so broken down and not show any remorse or want to stop says an awful lot about what she knows.*

How do I overcome the mistrust, the lying, the cheating, the deceit, the hurt? 

*You cannot overcome any of it until you figure out what you are going to do. As they say chit or get of the pot. She either stops her behavior and works on the marriage or you divorce her butt.*

We tried counseling and reaching out to family members. None worked.

*I hate to say that I think your marriage is long over. Start getting everything in order please.*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The truth : she has been cheating for most your marriage. Yeahm she slept with that guy in your bed. No one would admit that if it wasnt true.

She has basically told you that she wants you to accept her dating and being effectively a free call girl. She wants a one sided open marriage. Actually it sounds like she's been living a one sided open marriage for a long time now, with you being the pay check and baby sitter

Want more proof, then have her take a polygraph.

Another thing is to test her panties for semen, affair sex is almost always without condoms so you can test her panties when she puts them in the laundry.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The truth : she has been cheating for most your marriage. Yeahm she slept with that guy in your bed. No one would admit that if it wasnt true.
> 
> She has basically told you that she wants you to accept her dating and being effectively a free call girl. She wants a one sided open marriage. Actually it sounds like she's been living a one sided open marriage for a long time now, with you being the pay check and baby sitter
> 
> ...


I agree with Shaggy's post. 

I know you are shocked and in pain, but maybe seeing reality with be the best thing.

This woman already told you that you are her daddy and she wants you to pay for everything while she goes out and plays and dates other men.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What is your age?


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

@Sarah8
First I'm sorry you have had to go through any hardship even remotely similar to my own. It's destroyed me and my view of women. Lastly, just a clarification, she was a US citizen but of Filipino blood. Sorry for the confusion. EXCELLENT point about her aggressiveness. Something I've not really thought about
@Angryandused
It's so hard to not get angry as all hell at this. I find myself fighting this more then any other emotion. How did your situation end? Curious what you saw and how you handled it.
@Underwater2010
Thank you for your directness. It's exactly what I need!
@Shaggy
We've talked about the polygraph testing. Perhaps I need it after all. Thank you for the suggestions!
@Warlock07 
I'm 37 she's 32. Part of my hesitation is me being scared ****less of finding anyone else. I was a horrible person in my early 20's and dated everyone I could or wanted to. It is NOT what I want to go through again. I'm fearful of who I'll be as a single father.

@everyone
Thank you for not saying I'm an idiot. I sure the hell feel like one.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

All of her lies & betrayals are making you physically & emotionally ill.

For you own health, sanity & for your children, I think you need to let her go.

She is too toxic for you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She wants try other men?
Tell her it's fine for you, she can, only not as your wife.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Alot of 30 and up are scared to death of the current dating situation out there. But you cannot continue....she is slowing killing you. Think of the man you were when you first married. I bet you were confident and trusting. Can you see yourself being that way if this continues? 

The only reason I am still with my FWH is that it was the first time. This will be his only chance. If he screws up again, I am gone. I will not go get on the rollercoaster again. 

Read up on the 180, get some sleep, drink lots of water and for gods sake eat something...lol. It is time to focus on yourself and your children. Remember we have been there. Post anytime you feel like it and we will help you if we can. Hugs!!!!


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

@emerald
If my health continues this way I don't know how much more physically I can take. You are right. I'm still fighting. I'm a fighter and protector by nature. My job even reflects this. I simply can't give up on her yet. I love her. I always have. I can admit I am heartbroken now. Limbo is the best word I can come up with.
@Acabado
I said those exact words to her when she told me. She's since retracted them saying that she now does not want other men.
@underwater2010
Man compared to who I was it's night and day. I sincerely appreciate you and everyone who has added any insight to this. I know we all have emotional back-stories that might make us all assume the worst. I can't just assume and end it. I need to know, I need to be sure, I need something I don't think I'll ever get, honesty. 

I feel I am a crazy person for thinking this way; but I really do feel if I knew everything, if I knew she was in the end honest with me, that I would be able to heal and forgive? I mean for 4 years now (by her admittance) things have been great and we've been in love. It's the deceit and lies that make me not sleep and feel like running away.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd demand for her to get some IC with a Pro marriage counselor for a while before jumping on MC.
Tell her she has broken the marriage, she duped you from the very beginning. She has no idea what a real wife looks like. It's up to her to fix what she broke. Tell her to the advice she needs, books, internet, MC... whatever.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ssmith3d said:


> Part of my hesitation is me being scared ****less of finding anyone else.


Yes that fear keeps a lot of people in bad marriages, it causes a lot of betrayed spouses to forgive their cheating partners because they're sure the grass is browner or something like that.

When you've got a situation such as yours, the other side of the fence is greener. Even if it's a highway.

I'm over 10 years older than you, divorced and dating for 5 years, I've meet some great women, some not so great women, and I'm in something really good right now.

There IS life after divorce and there are women you can trust and fall in love with. Your wife isn't one of them.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, that fear of having to go through the dating scene is what will make you continue to suffer. She wants you to be the fall back guy who pays the bills while accepting her screwing around with guys who she she finds more exciting, appealing, attractive, and interesting. Believe me, your stuff would be out the door by now if roles were reversed. 

This is a simple case of Ole Yellar; this dog of a marriage has to be be put down. The longer you delay this decision, the more likely she will continue going out with other guys behind your back while you pay the freight. She is not in love with you, does not not respect you, and will not 'fall back' in love with you no matter how well your job pays. 

Get out and find someone who loves to you for more than just being their human wallet...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

You can't turn a h.e into a house wife. She like having sex with different men.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Had a long talk tonight. Set some things right she's going to be seeking therapy.
I hope she gets what she needs. I still have faith. I hate myself for having it but I do. It would be much easier to stop caring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khushi (Aug 20, 2012)

I am facing nearly the same problem difference is that i am a woman of 30s and my husband in 50s I have seen him with so many call girls.I want to leave him but he is not ready for divorce but he is not keeping me with him what shall i do


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

khushi said:


> I am facing nearly the same problem difference is that i am a woman of 30s and my husband in 50s I have seen him with so many call girls.I want to leave him but he is not ready for divorce but he is not keeping me with him what shall i do


Start your own thread. And go into a bit more detail. You will get more help that way


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. You can not trust ANYTHING she says to you, about practically anything. She is a cheater, she will say whatever she thinks will get her what she wants. I just couldn't continue in that situation, myself. Even with the kids. And no, you aren't crazy.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She wanted to play the fields and she told you, that is the truth but the thing is that she don't want to loose her meal ticket. she is very clear about what she wanted but only you seems to be confused about what you wanted and how to get that.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

You had her on the first nite what did you think she was about . I am not being mean . She gives the cookie up way to easy. She has no respect for herself. Cheaters have no respect for the family (spouse or kids). She has to want to change.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

@mrstj4sho88
Isn't that the fantasy? The special moment only we shared? That's what I thought - in my defense. Absolutely agree with you, it's in her court now. She has to want to change.
@Kallan Panithran
Yes that is what I'm thinking as well as of late. I've been just a comfort zone for her. 
@SadandAngry
This is what I'm hopeful for in her therapy. Maybe, just maybe, someone will get it through to her that being honest and trustworthy means more then lying to save face.

Past few days we've not slept in the same bed. Separation is already being made. She chose to sleep downstairs instead of with me. I feel I'll end up hurt, not knowing the truth, alone, and without my kids right now.


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## khushi (Aug 20, 2012)

khushi said:


> I am facing nearly the same problem difference is that i am a woman of 30s and my husband in 50s I have seen him with so many call girls.I want to leave him but he is not ready for divorce but he is not keeping me with him what shall i do


I have been married 13 years back.For the first yeaar it seems good.I have a daughter before first wedding anniversary.During that period i noticed his talk with others on phone.Ireacted but he had satisfied me.We lived together for nearly 3 years and then he left the country.During his stay out of the country we had very little communication.But for the last one and half year he is back but we sleep in separate bed roooms.We are not o living in same city.I am used to go on weekends.But during that period we have no sexual relation .Two months back i came to know that in my absence he is used to go to call girls and had a strong affair with his secretary.HE is not ready to give me divorce nor to keep us permanently with him.What shall i do//


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

So another talk yesterday to find out love wasn't there during the cheating times . I'm not sure if that was an attempt to make things better? I have started the long road to find myself again. 
Question for anyone. When does the ring come off ?divorce, when love is gone, or never?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Love doesn't turn on-off-on-off-on.

Love is there through the bad and the good. In fact true love is there even stronger through the bad.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

lol. I caught my first wife cheating on me by checking her panties when I got home from work. 



Shaggy said:


> The truth : she has been cheating for most your marriage. Yeahm she slept with that guy in your bed. No one would admit that if it wasnt true.
> 
> She has basically told you that she wants you to accept her dating and being effectively a free call girl. She wants a one sided open marriage. Actually it sounds like she's been living a one sided open marriage for a long time now, with you being the pay check and baby sitter
> 
> ...


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

@Shaggy
I firmly believe the same as you. 

Right now I'm allowing myself to remain calm, listen, and let her speak. If I don't like what I hear I don't challenge I just let it be. I don't want to influence her words with my actions while she's speaking. I'm hoping this will allow honesty to seep through.
Things are looking like I should have gotten a divorce years ago. Is it to late? 

I know I stated this earlier but I think it's worth repeating; she has been wonderful the past 4 years. Ever since I got a good job and security has hit the home things have been great. Doesn't this mean something? I'm just not sure what.

She's attending therapy today. I hope it helps.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ssmith3d said:


> @Shaggy
> I firmly believe the same as you.
> 
> Right now I'm allowing myself to remain calm, listen, and let her speak. If I don't like what I hear I don't challenge I just let it be. I don't want to influence her words with my actions while she's speaking. I'm hoping this will allow honesty to seep through.
> ...


The past 4 years have been wonderful, YOU THINK! But what do you know? You have no idea what she's been up to while you've been out of the house do you. And this is one of the real tragedies in a cheating situation, you can't believe a word she says, can you? Even if it' s the truth that she has been faithful, you can not believe it deep down. That would be sheer folly.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Or does it mean in the last 4 years she has gotten better a hiding it?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Or does it mean in the last 4 years she has gotten better a hiding it?


:iagree: I think she got better hiding it ..


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Ugh few things so far have updated this:
I had to drive her to a hospital the other night. She was a danger to herself and me. Kids were safe though. Worst drive ever. Constant belittlement for the thirty minute drive. Spent a few hours there waiting as she was being assessed. 
The end of that night was her breaking down. She's got issues outside of what I know about her from her distant past. She's seeking therapy for this now. 
I'm not sure how this helps US but it looks like its great for her. Part of this, for example, is that she dictates if/when I get to show affection and how this affection is shown. First night back was nice, it was like we were almost normal. Now however its like I'm just there when needed and forgotten when I'm not needed to satisfy her needs.
Once again I'm confused and feeling alone. I'm going to seek therapy myself. I need is to figure this out. I just don't have the ability to do it myself.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Therapy Tuesday it looks like for me. She saw someone Friday and I don't think it helped because there is no change. This seems like a downward spiral and I can't get off . Only real words I got out of her all weekend were her asking me, "how do I make up for 13 years of marriage? "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Been a few days now and still no end to this in sight. I feel that I have to always be the one who instigates talk or we never do. She only wants the good times without me questioning. If I question her on the things she's done in the past it becomes a nightmare again. Are there no decent people in the world anymore?? I thought I had found one person who could love completely and would never cheat, I was wrong. Everyone cheats. Everyone but me it seems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

not everyone. Only you can turn this around. You GIVES her the power by being so NEEDY.

You need to understand this " you may have to destroy your marriage to save it ". The marriage is toxic

You can take care of your kids from another house.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

It's been awhile since I posted because nothing has changed. Yesterday she admitted to me, honestly this time, that she had a physical affair 2 months into our marriage and an emotional affair 5 years into our marriage where she fell in love with the other man.

I'm numb today, as its only been a few hours really. Tomorrow is our anniversary of 13 years. Our kids are going to be crushed, destroyed, and not understanding. I'm tearing myself apart trying to pick up what little remains of myself.

How do you start over after 13 years? How do you tell your sweet beautiful kids that their mother is a ****ing monster?

Anything, anything at all, will help


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

She just left. Supposedly with her sister. I'm really not sure what to do. I still love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Verify. Call the sister, ask to speak to your wife.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Verify. Call the sister, ask to speak to your wife.


Call the sister if she isn't there change the locks!


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Thank you for the suggestion. She really is with her sister. I called and talked to her. 
Locks might still get changed however


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Am I stupid for thinking this matters? That a one night stand 13years ago means anything anymore?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Her sister could be covering for her. Likely she found another guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

I guess its the only thing in my mind since she finaly admitted honestly what she did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you both still in therapy? How is that going? Does she want to stay married?


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Therapy is OK. Nothing really coming from it to speak of . She says she loves me and says that she wants to work on the marriage. She wants to stay together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is with you for the financial reasons not because she loves you or you are so great a husband, After all who wants to be with a needy and so weak husband. How can a women love or respect a man who dont have any respect for himself.

She has some problem and you have bigger problem. If you are not benefiting from current councilor then find someone who is an expert in his field as your IC.

Find your balls back man your story seems too pathetic.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

I understand emotions run hot on this forum but please refrain from calling me names.. really isn't helping. 
I think everyone here who has gone through this will understand that I dont know what to feel about any of this. Every single thing feels like it's enough to leave her. Its the sex that burns at me. I can't look at her or even think about her without getting jumbled with emotions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm picturing having this conversation with my husband:

"Hi Sweetie - I love you but I really want to have sex with other men, men who look different than you. I hope that's ok with you because I've done it a few times already."

You aren't an idiot. Your wife lied and cheated. For what it's worth, in my marriage, I was the cheater. I can't in a million years think it would EVER be ok to say I want to sleep with other men (and yes, she did mean that, she's retracting it because it upset you). 

So, is she remorseful and willing to give this up? She's done more than a one night stand and you know that in your heart. By not confronting and dealing with the issues, you guys have swept them all under the rug. But they're still there, peeking out at you and waiting to trip you up.

Read up on the 180 here - start working on you. As for the kids, they will be ok. Do NOT lie to them. They may not need a lot of details but they need truth so they know that no matter what, they can trust you to be honest with them even about tough issues.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ssmith3d said:


> She just left. Supposedly with her sister. I'm really not sure what to do. *I still love her.
> *_Posted via Mobile Device_


I really want to kick your ass after this line, For real...Are you blind ? Can you not see it ? Couldn't you come up with something better than the lame ass "I love her" line ? When is it enough ? 2 months into the marriage, she had an affair for f*ck sake. She is damaged and broken...And nothing you did or did not had no affect on her decisions.. And this probably not change...


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Warlock, again I'm fully aware of what this site is about but yes, I do believe that the lame ass love line is enough. Enough to least give her a chance to explain, a chance for me to not break down, a chance for my kids to not hear screaming every night. I might be blind I really might be. I'm aware of this and so I'm going to attempt to try the 180.
I'm looking for a place to stay, even though she should be the one to move.
I'm looking for a lawyer.
I'm preparing myself for the end.
13 years of love is hard to let go even after all of this. I am weak, I am blind, I am being a ***** in this situation but I'm attempting to be strong for my kids. The real innocents here are them. They deserve better then her. Even if they are forced to stay in contact with her for the next 15 years (youngest is 3).


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this and I can imagine your heart is breaking. Right now, it's important to keep in mind that you cannot trust her. You cannot keep putting your heart in her hands to continue crushing it.

I don't recommend leaving the house if you own it (it can be construed as abandonment) and talking to an attorney before you go anywhere. 

I know you're overwhelmed right now which is why the advice is to focus on you, focus on the kids. 

It's hard to understand but the frustration you're hearing from a lot of the folks here is due to the fact that your story isn't unique. It happens and they see loyal spouses like you that are cheated on over and over and even when it's discovered and the loyal spouse continues to try to make the marriage work, the cheater stomps on them again. So, when we all hear the betrayed spouse just lie there and take it, the comments start becoming harsher trying to snap you out of it and get you to 'man up' so to speak.

Keep reading - read the newbies link, find the 180 rules and follow them to a T while you work on getting you and the kids out of this mess.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If the kids are hearing screaming every night or most nights it can't possibly be good for them. Not at all. I think you are finally seeing that things won't improve. Not unless you totally give in and accept that she comes and goes at will and holds little respect for you as a husband.

I suspect that it's her that does most of the screaming. Belittling you in front of your own children. 

If for no other reason, you must put an end to the turmoil for your children's sake - and for your sanity (probably her's too) 

She's not going to change. So far she has no reason to. It's up to you to change. You will not and can not control her. You can't make her do things you want. You can only control your own actions. So ACT.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Warlock is very passionate about this subject, and really it's because he is hurting for you.

Here is the main question you need to answer for yourself, if you want this marriage, what do you need, require, demand from your wife to continue your marriage? If you can get that straight in your head, present that to her with the be all end all, do this or we are finished, final, over. Then follow through for reconciliation or divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Where I'm at now: She and I are on good terms. Not fighting and actually getting along. She has said that when she told me she slept with this guy that it was because of my constant questioning. She wanted it to stop. I can understand this. She's openly admitted the emotional affair which happened years later but will refuse this outright. I caught her with the EA . I can't catch her with this PA due to the years since then and since I wasn't around, I was deployed. I've threatened to leave but it only brings up so much pain. 
Anyone have anything similar to this? Any advice outside of dump her, divorce her, etc? I want this to work. Could this just be me over thinking the situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

We've agreed to not discuss this until we are both in a better place emotionally. I'm still very confident in my belief that she did have a PA early in our marriage and that she had an EA later on. I'm not sold on her having more then that due to various reasons but primarily because she didn't have access to it. She was never alone, etc. 
I re-read my posts, yeah I was a mess. Most likely still am. Hard to not be when your world is breaking. 
I've given this until the first of the year then we'll talk again. We are going to be seeing another MC soon to help. 
Thanks everyone for your help through this. Even if it's hard to read your replies I know they come from good people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ssmith3d said:


> We've agreed to not discuss this until we are both in a better place emotionally. I'm still very confident in my belief that she did have a PA early in our marriage and that she had an EA later on. I'm not sold on her having more then that due to various reasons but primarily because she didn't have access to it. She was never alone, etc.
> I re-read my posts, yeah I was a mess. Most likely still am. Hard to not be when your world is breaking.
> I've given this until the first of the year then we'll talk again. We are going to be seeing another MC soon to help.
> *Thanks everyone for your help through this. Even if it's hard to read your replies I know they come from good people.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



But sad that it didnt help you to see the light. One day you may see that but by then you may have lost lots of time for this women.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HAs she refused to take a polygraph?


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

She has said she'll take one. I don't want to do that until MC is well under way again. We're going to start back up together soon.
I have a burning question to ask though...

Has anyone ever heard, have experience, or know ANY websites that deal with a spouse feeling that they had to lie and say they slept around when they really didn't? 

I'm feeling guilty about how I questioned her and how she now says that it was the two days of questioning that caused her to say **** it and **** you, fine I did it. Even if the emotoins she showed were very logically the emotions of someone who was telling the truth. 

Anyone have anything that could point me to a case where this actually was the case? It HAD to happen before me..


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Why wait on the poly then? Why follow up on a theory like that, when you can get a sense of what she is lying about first? That's just crazy making!


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

Mainly because my marriage is fragile right now and I'm starting to trust her again. I want her to know I want to try to figure this out through a counselor first then if things don't get better I will cough up the money to get this done.
By making her take the test I feel I'm not stepping forward right now.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There is NO way I would admit to a physical affair if it did not occur. No way in hell.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> There is NO way I would admit to a physical affair if it did not occur. No way in hell.


People do weird things under stress. I don't think op has any real idea what is true, and what isn't at this point. Therefore, I say go for the poly, find something solid to start from, right now you want to trust, you want to believe her, you want to rebuild. But from what? You have no clue. There is nothing to rebuild on that you can rely on right now (on her part), so you can waste a lot of time and energy, without having any idea of what it is you are trying to do exactly. How could getting at some truth be a bad thing at this point? It is the lack of truth, of honesty, of trust that got you here, more of the same will not get you out.


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## ssmith3d (May 22, 2012)

That, is a very valid point. Thank you. 
Anyone have any instance of stress actually creating this? Google is chalked full of lying to cover up but not the other way around.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Oh for pete's sake. She admitted to these things because she thought that (like you did before), that you'd allow her to apologize and continue. When you put the hammer down and started to show signs that this wouldn't be permitted, now she wants to backpedal.

To get to the truth, get a polygraph. Why go to MC until you know what the truth is that you want to work on? It's a backwards approach in my humble opinion.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, then view the polygraph as a gift for her vindication,

But understand people do not just say I Cheated because they know it means the end of the marriage. That's why you are having trouble finding false confessions. While people do confess to things the did not do, it's done by people with mental illness. Is she mentally ill?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just go for the poly.


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