# Trials and Tribulations of Dating while Divorced..



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dating. It's the Divorcee's Dilemma, isn't it? As I venture out into the singles world as a newly forged Divorcee I feel like a minnow being surrounded by sharks. It's feeding time at the zoo! I will say it's flattering and nice to be noticed after being ignored for most of the 23 years I was married but it's disconcerting as well. 

Especially since I haven't found ANYONE that I want to date! Online Dating isn't for me and I've found some great friends through Meetup and my hobbies and am having a blast. I don't WANT to get involved with anyone right now but it seems that I'm having to worry about male friends wanting to get involved with ME. 

This is a new situation for me because even though I've always had male friends in the various groups and hobbies I've been involved with during the course of my marriage (from racing cars to kayaking) I had the shield of my marriage to beat people back. Now everyone knows I'm getting divorced and a lot of the groups I'm in consist of people in the SAME situation and while that's great for moral support, when it comes to the opposite sex it's becoming problematic. 

The main problems seems to be that men seem to want to take it to the next level WAY too fast. There is this one guy who is part of the group that I socialize with at meetup events that I thought was cool to hang with but I'm not feeling it physically at all for him. But I like him as a friend and we've had some friendly banter when among friends and chatted a bit on Facebook about random stuff. 

The other night we all went to an event I could see he was definitely getting it on for me. Touching me constantly, stoking my back..not getting TOO touchy but definitely more than "just friends". He kept trying to put his hands in my pocket :wtf:, wanting to dance close like slow dancing (even to a rock and roll song?) and following me around like a puppy dog all night. 

To make things worse, He'd bought JUST ME a shot of Jaeger so when he kissed me in THAT WAY so I obliged him. I know it wasn't good to do but I feel bad just shooting someone down after they just spent $7 on a shot for me. He walked me out to my car after the event and I just kissed him "regular" but I could tell he wanted more. 

Unfortunately I'm just not attracted to him physically at all. As a friend he's nice but now I'm in the position of having to put him into the Friend Zone in a nice way. Problem is, I don't want to lose him as a friend. Plus he hangs with a bunch of my girlfriends so I don't want any bad feelings there. 

I really like to keep my social group and my love lives separate. Then way I don't have these problem. Plus, if I'm with a bunch of people I don't want my time to be monopolized by one person and I felt that was the case last night. I don't want to have a "boyfriend" hanging around when I want to chill and chat with my girlfriends. 

Problem is this guy asked me out for lunch this coming Thursday and I said "yes", but that was before the other night when I caught the "relationship" vibe from him. I'm wondering if I should use this opportunity to nicely explain where I'm at emotionally and pretty much "Friend Zone" him so this doesn't go any further and cause real problems. 

Then part of me just wants to PM him on Facebook and tell him but I feel that would be the cowardly way out, especially since I'll definitely be seeing him again.

I can't say I wasn't warned. My friend and I were discussing him and she told me "He's a nice guy but he always wants to become an item". I'd thought I'd dropped a ton of hints to him about where I stood, even saying several times that I had NO intention of getting into a relationship, didn't want a boyfriend, might be moving in a few years, etc. Why would he want to go after ME?? But it's looking to me like that's the case because he wasn't acting this way around any of the other women in our group. In the past he hasn't been like this. I just caught this vibe the other night and want to put an end to it now.

And he's not the only one. There's another guy who I"m getting the same vibe from who keeps texting me that now that I'm divorced we should go out and "celebrate.". This is the organizer of one of the largest meetups in my area and someone I do NOT want to make feel badly. I like him a lot in a friendly way but just want to keep our relationship restricted to meetups...nothing one-on-one. It's not that I don't think I'd enjoy spending time with him AS A FRIEND but I KNOW it would be just a matter of time before they'd want to take it the "next" level. And I don't want to go there with him either. I don't want to be mean to these guys because I like them personally as friends. 

It's MUCH easier to tell some grabby dork you don't care about to get the hell out away from you. Been there done that many times! But with people you care about and see a lot it's a real problem. 

I guess the ONE thing that appeals to me about online dating is that it WOULD keep my dating life apart from my social life but the idea of doing it is just a total turn off, especially after everything I've heard from my friends and read here.

I just want to go out and have a good time at this point. I don't want to get involved in any way seriously with anyone, and if I'm not feeling it physically I don't want anyone touching me, even if it's not in "intimate" places. It just makes me uncomfortable. I've had at least two other situations where a guy I was chatting with at an event walks me out to my car and then tries to stick his tongue in my mouth. It's getting so I'm getting scared to have a guy walk me to the car! Just let me walk out the car MYSELF! I'm more than CAPABLE of walking out to my OWN car myself! :slap:

I don't think everyone feels as I do. The other night there was a woman at the event who had just met another guy and they were all over each other, slow dancing and hugging and all that. They looked like they'd been together for months! LOL! I'm just not like that. I can't meet someone and be like that or be that way with someone I'm not feeling it with. 

Such dilemmas! I feel like I'm 16 again..and not in a good way.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I guess I have been kind of lucky so far, the men I have dated have been men I knew in college, hadn't seen in 30 years. I am not sure I was ready last year to go looking for or out with a stranger. It was a nice way to break the ice. I am not seeing any of them right now, it wasn't a good time for me to try to think about building a relationship when I was still hoping ex would come back. Now I think I had better take some time to myself. I will say that the men I dated did want it to be something more than I was looking for, I guess the myth of the men being ready to "love em and leave em" is not true!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I tell my guy friends I want them around for the long term, and that if I get involved with them, if and when I get married again, I will have to kiss them goodbye if I've kissed them at all. It draws the line but also establishes that you do value their friendship. 

There is nothing so unattractive as a guy who is supposedly a friend who wouldn't have a discussion with you about attraction before making a move. That would pretty much put them out of the running for me, if they're that clueless about not putting me in a spot like that. Sounds, well, manipulative and also desperate.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like you are sending mixed messages, you know what you want or don't want but you are not setting boundaries. You sound like a very together, in control woman but it may help to be firm on your boundaries. Make it clear from the onset that you are not interested, be kind but firm.

You are a prized person, fun, active, intelligent and now single, bingo, the men want you. Men like fun women and you are one of those so it is not surprising they are hitting on you.

Be kind but firm on this, cut it off at the pass.

The flip side is that until you get to really know someone you don't know if they are right for you but if they are coming on too strong, too fast and it is not what you want then it is up to you to say so. 

Good luck with it all out there


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> There is nothing so unattractive as a guy who is supposedly a friend who wouldn't have a discussion with you about attraction before making a move. That would pretty much put them out of the running for me, if they're that clueless about not putting me in a spot like that. Sounds, well, manipulative and also desperate.


:iagree: That is absolutely true! I haven't even been given a heads up that suddenly things had changed. I went from being "one of the girls" to "that girl" literally overnight. :slap: I would've liked a discussion about it. I accepted an invite to what I thought was a friendly outing for lunch and I now realize that it must be a DATE. I don't want to date this guy! 

I was thinking at one time that it MIGHT happen but after the other night I'm not at ALL attacted to him. I did NOT like all that touching and hanging on me, especially with all my friends around and in a public place from someone with whom I had thought as my friend. I didn't like the situation being suddenly thrust on me without my consent. 

Believe me, if I'm "into" someone then I love affection and will return it. With my husband I would've been all into it but I felt nothing with this guy except the desire to run away from him. I guess the good thing is that if I had even been considering him as a possibility as a date this sure confirmed that he's NOT.

Now I'm in the situation of having to say to him "Uh..I think I'm catching a vibe here that you want to be more than friends..." and going on from there. Now I'm going to have to firmly put him in the Friend Zone and I will, because I will NOT be put through that again. 

My friend told me he asked her out on a date after two events. I wasn't even given that choice. I just had this guy following me around like a puppy dog, running his hands up and down my back and shoulders and (UGH ) putting my fingers in his MOUTH at one point! 

I don't know if he's aware of it or not or if something I said or did gave him the idea that it was ok. Unfortunately I tend to flirt and exchange jokes with my male friends. I always have but I've always been "married". Now I'm not and I'm going to have to proceed with caution. 

I love the single life but it comes with it's downfalls as well.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Holland said:


> Sounds like you are sending mixed messages, you know what you want or don't want but you are not setting boundaries. You sound like a very together, in control woman but it may help to be firm on your boundaries. Make it clear from the onset that you are not interested, be kind but firm.
> 
> You are a prized person, fun, active, intelligent and now single, bingo, the men want you. Men like fun women and you are one of those so it is not surprising they are hitting on you.
> 
> ...


I probably was sending mixed singles..Mostly in the form of jokes and whatnot. But it was definitely meant to be friendly until this point he seemed to be "flirting it up" with all my girlfriends too so I figured I was just one of the gang. 

But now I'm definitely not. So yeah, it's up to me cut if off at the pass. I'd love to just PM him on FB and cancel the lunch date but my daughter says that if I want to remain friends with him then I should go. 

I'm going go but there will be no picking me up at my apartment and it will be separate checks. I think that should send out the right message. He hasn't even ASKED to actually date me (I would've appreciate that! :slap so now I'm in the delicate position of saying "Umm..I think I'm feeling that you might want to be more than friends..." 

I could come off looking like an idiot on this one if he says "No, what makes you think that?" :banghead: But I'm going to have to take this opportunity to do follow this through and tell him that I'm not interested in dating him. I just want us to be friends. 

The signpost up ahead says "Welcome to the Friend Zone"..

Any input on how I should actually handle this would be greatly appreciated. Couldn't the guy have just asked me out so I could turn him down? Or maybe he already DID ask me out and this lunch IS the date and I was too stupid to see that? 

Oops... :slap:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

stillhoping said:


> Now I think I had better take some time to myself.


If I felt attacted to someone then I wouldn't mind datingt them. Problem is, I've felt nothing for anyone I've met. Maybe that's my way of telling myself to wait. But this guy definitely isn't my type physically and I just feel totally turned off by him physically. 

Haven't met anyone I really want to spend time with in "that way". But with me, if you want to shut things down fast then make a move too quickly and act too desperate. I hate clingy men who come on too strong. I like to get to know someone and actually engage bit of a chase. Pathetic puppy dog types need not apply. 

My girlfriends say he's looking for a relationship, which I'm most definitely NOT and have stated this to him. I was hoping that would send out the right signal. I know he has a few girlfriends in meetup wandering around out there and would love to know what happened with them. All I know is that I don't want to become one of them. 

Guys I know if you are reading this you are pulling your hair out but that's the way I am. I feel for you on this though. This is really a very nice guy but every woman I meet says he comes on too quickly, to soon. Might want to take notes on this one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Any input on how I should actually handle this would be greatly appreciated. Couldn't the guy have just asked me out so I could turn him down? Or maybe he already DID ask me out and this lunch IS the date and I was too stupid to see that?


I would tell him this:



> I did NOT like all that touching and hanging on me, especially with all my friends around and in a public place from someone with whom I had thought as my friend. I didn't like the situation being suddenly thrust on me without my consent.


I'm not sure why you're so intent on being nice to a guy who was doing all this. Why did you feel you had to kiss him after he bought you a shot? Why do you feel you have to apologize for not being into him?

Tell him you felt uncomfortable with the touching and kissing and that you don't want that to happen again. 

Be honest.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I feel like I may have led him to believe that this was ok with jokes and some casual flirting (I like to flirt so I need to watch that!). I don't think it helped that he asked me out via a PM on Facebook before this night and I accepted, thinking it was a simple lunch date with a friend. 

I think he considered it to be a DATE and that led to that night where he started acting like "the boyfriend." Kissing him really added fuel to the fire. But perhaps I was just trying to get an idea of where I was at with him too. Kissing him confirmed that he was NOT the guy for me. It was a total YUCK. 

So now I'm at the point where I gotta set him straight. I don't want to lecture him like a schoolboy and this is DEFINITELY someone I will see again and is in my social circle so I have to be nice about this. 

But I'm going to state where I'm at and lay boundaries. There will be no more public displays of affection and if there are, they will be rebuffed. Now I know where my head is at and can proceed. 

Personally I'd love to just PM him, cancel the date and tell him where I'm at but I should at least have the courtesy of telling him face to face. But I'm paying for my own lunch.



> Tell him you felt uncomfortable with the touching and kissing and that you don't want that to happen again.
> 
> Be honest


That's exactly what I intend to do.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

All good stuff... it's hard especially since you kissed him back. And it is a combination of his desperation and your not being in a place where you want a relationship of any sort.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I think he considered it to be a DATE and that led to that night where he started acting like "the boyfriend." Kissing him really added fuel to the fire. But perhaps I was just trying to get an idea of where I was at with him too. Kissing him confirmed that he was NOT the guy for me. It was a total YUCK.


So, people get that freaking "handsy" on a first date??? lol. I don't think it was such a mistake to kiss him. You can tell a lot about what is going on internally with yourself by a kiss. It either goes one way or the other. He should be able to understand this if you just lay it out for him. The phrase my currect gf uses, "I knew I liked you, but then I kissed you and could not get enough." It just enhances what is going on emotionally. For you, it sent you the other way..........

However, dude is pathetic....sorry.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, people get that freaking "handsy" on a first date??? lol. I don't think it was such a mistake to kiss him. You can tell a lot about what is going on internally with yourself by a kiss. It either goes one way or the other. He should be able to understand this if you just lay it out for him. The phrase my currect gf uses, "I knew I liked you, but then I kissed you and could not get enough." It just enhances what is going on emotionally. For you, it sent you the other way..........
> 
> However, dude is pathetic....sorry.


There wasn't ANY date! He asked me on a PM on Facebook if I'd like to go to a pizza place for lunch and I figured it was just two friends having lunch! :slap: My bad! I THINK he considers THAT the date and figured since I said yes then we are an "item" and that gave him the green light to start getting all touchy feelie. :banghead: WRONG! :nono:

Well, I was definitely thrown off balance by this! However I HAD thought that maybe he would be an OK sort to go out on a date with. This all confirmed that I was not in any way, shape or form attracted to him. In fact, if he'd planned to turn me off he couldn't have planned it better! :rofl:

Now I'm going to lay it out that we are NOT dating, he's in the Friend Zone and that I would appreciate if he would lay off the touch feelie crap. He will be warned (in a nice way) and if he persists then he won't like the results because I do know how to tell a guy to ****** off. I'm holding back because he is a friend and part of my group of friends but once I've laid it out then it's on him to respect my boundaries and wishes. 

I was warned about him and how he is over the top when it comes to chasing women (yes, totally desperate to find "the one"!!).. so I blame myself. I tend to be a bit naive when it comes to stuff like this but I'm catching onto the game fast and fool me once, shame on me..fool me twice and I tell you if you touch me again I'll break your arm in two.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I've discovered everything works better if the woman makes the first move. I have some great friends now that I had hoped to move further with. Maybe I'm lazy but that was a lot of work to hear its not really there. I'm sure there are many fine relationships that have been built on some guy dating a woman over and over again while she decides how she feels. For instance, late last year I'm dating this nurse and its going okay, slow but we like wash other well enough. Then one day she meets this one guy and that's it! They are tight within 48 hours and we go from planning things with our similar aged kids to just planning for the kids. :/ It's been much easier and more pleasant with this new girl. She made the first move and since then has made it clear how she feels. Maybe she's a psycho and I'm in hell in 6 months. But I'm still the dumb one talking about the next step while she's just happy the way things are so here's hoping. Anyway, like I say, if you aren't attracted to anyone just let it be for a while. You will get that lustful feeling soon enough.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

mule kick said:


> I've discovered everything works better if the woman makes the first move.


I don't mind if a man chases me to a point but I'd like a heads up when the relationship goes from friendship to something else. IE: "I really am starting to have feelings for you, do you feel the same way?"...Or something along those lines. 

And being given some breathing room would be nice! I just felt like this was dumped on me and now I have to take matters into my hands and deal with it. 

So yes, I guess it would've been nice to have been given an option. If you want to be safe, then waiting for the woman to make the first move would a good idea but some would say "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Some women are just too shy or intimidated to make that move. I'm not one of them though. If I'm into a guy then there's no doubt about it. 

I'm not and was never into this guy though. 

I feel for you guys, I really do. It's got to be REALLY tough to have to deal with this situations. 




> . You will get that lustful feeling soon enough.


NO WAY. The idea of this guy touching me again makes my skin crawl. When I'm done there will be no doubt where he stands. I just hope he can take a hint. Well, it'll be more than a hint!

My advice is that when someone says "NO" take them at their word and move on.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I've discovered everything works better if the woman makes the first move.


Not for me. A woman making the first move makes me think she is desperate. I like the chase. I want to be able to tell her that I want more. As a man, you are the leader of the relationship. You dictate. If it isn't like that in dating, it won't be in marriage. That will lead to some tricky things down the line.

I will say that I am very forthcoming. If you don't want to pursue a relationship, you have no pressure to do so. It takes me a little while to become "handsy" too. I ususally won't even kiss a girl until the 3rd or 4th date because I'm still in major evaluation mode.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe it's because I'm old fashioned but I don't make the first move. I've tried it and like Dedicated says, it seems to be met with appreciation (they are flattered) but it's obvious it taints the way they view me (i.e. desperate). 

I will start up conversation if I'm ordering a drink, standing in line, etc but then it's up the the guy.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Just to add to the discussion on dating, if you have to make someone feel for you aren't you setting yourself up for the next break up? Maybe I'm lucky or maybe in that sense we are both desperate, but I appreciate much more knowing right up front and all along how she feels rather than... Playing games.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I will start up conversation if I'm ordering a drink, standing in line, etc but then it's up the the guy.


You know, it is interesting. I've had so many girls do this. I haven't gone out with a single one. Most of them seemed nice. I have friends that have "taken the bait", but their intentions were not always honorable.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Not for me. A woman making the first move makes me think she is desperate. I like the chase. I want to be able to tell her that I want more.


I can see how a woman can come off as desperate. I don't think ANYONE should be making "the first move" 2 minutes after you meet! How about you get to know someone first? I think regardless of who does what THAT comes off as desperate. 



> As a man, you are the leader of the relationship. You dictate. If it isn't like that in dating, it won't be in marriage. That will lead to some tricky things down the line.


:wtf: Marriage? Down the line? Who said anything about marriage? Anyone starting a relationship with me had better not be thinking of marriage!  

I just got out of one of those!! 



> It takes me a little while to become "handsy" too. I ususally won't even kiss a girl until the 3rd or 4th date because I'm still in major evaluation mode.


:smthumbup: I like that! It seems that some guys (and I guess this goes for woman too!) feel that the faster or more insistent they are the better they will come across. WRONG. With me at least the opposite is true! If you hold back a bit and let things build up, let me get to know you better than I'm far more receptive. Too much is just that..Too much. Less is more! 

This one guy was looking kind of interesting at first. He seemed cool enough. He mentioned going kayaking and I was considering it. After the other night I don't even want him to stand next to me! You blew it dude! 

Same thing with ANOTHER guy. I flirted with him a bit one night and suddenly he's texting me all over the place. He texted me the other day to ask me what I was doing. "Working out" I said. 

Then he asked what "was on my calendar?" I didn't respond. Didn't get the hint. 

Then this past Sunday he texted to wish me a Happy Easter. I wished him Happy Easter back. 

Yesterday he wished me a "Happy Divorce" and asked if a "celebration was in order". I texted back that I needed TIME TO ADJUST to the idea. *HINT HINT*

TODAY he texted and asked if I'd be interested in going to Atlantic City on Thursday to see a show! :banghead: I said "Thanks, but I got plans (I don't). *ANOTHER HINT* 

TOO MUCH. Back it off! Again, I like the guy but I don't feel THAT way about him! Can't we just be friends? When they get like this I don't even want to be friends! It's too scary!!  Go to a show?As interesting as that sounds I'd be afraid that he'd have a hotel room booked and be laying out a set of lingerie for me to wear! 

*theme music to _Jaws_ starts playing..*


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I can see how a woman can come off as desperate. I don't think ANYONE should be making "the first move" 2 minutes after you meet! How about you get to know someone first? I think regardless of who does what THAT comes off as desperate.


Exactly. Meeting a couple of times for drinks, or dinner, etc. as friends to feel it out is my preferred method.



> Marriage? Down the line? Who said anything about marriage? Anyone starting a relationship with me had better not be thinking of marriage!
> 
> I just got out of one of those!!


I'm not thinking of marriage. I just know that I'm not going to get attached to someone who wouldn't even be a possibility later in life. Believe me, my gf would slap me if I was thinking of marriage. But, she understands certain dynamics of relationships, therefore, it could be possible years from now. SO, I'm ok dating her.



> TODAY he texted and asked if I'd be interested in going to Atlantic City on Thursday to see a show! I said "Thanks, but I got plans (I don't). *ANOTHER HINT*


See, he doesn't know what he is doing. That is only a 48 notice period. The way I would do it is, "Hey, I would be interested in getting to know you better. If you are agreeable to it, what nights next week do you have available? Maybe we can meet for a beer or a drink?"

Then, you leave it. It gives the girl the opportunity to say what's up. However, I actually haven't been turned down yet, so.....who knows. lol


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Some guys may try too much, too soon, it's true. But at least they're upfront about it and aren't trying to pretend to be friends with you just to get in your pants. They're being friendly, they're trying to chat, they're asking you out on dates. That's what guys do in order to get dates! Could some of them learn a bit more about social graces and not being pushy - of course. Others need to learn more about social graces and being a bit more forward.

Don't let it get to you. Try and be flattered and gracious about it. In the end, it's not that big a deal.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

norajane said:


> Some guys may try too much, too soon, it's true. But at least they're upfront about it and aren't trying to pretend to be friends with you just to get in your pants. They're being friendly, they're trying to chat, they're asking you out on dates. That's what guys do in order to get dates! Could some of them learn a bit more about social graces and not being pushy - of course. Others need to learn more about social graces and being a bit more forward.
> 
> Don't let it get to you. Try and be flattered and gracious about it. In the end, it's not that big a deal.


Nothing is "getting" to me. It's not like I lay awake at night agonizing over all this. I found it annoying to be pawed at in a public place, among my friends, by a guy who I thought was a friend. Showed lack of respect but I don't think it was intentional. He's just like that. 

I feel for guys. They are in a tough place. You appear to eager and you're shot down. You aren't aggressive enough and you appear uninterested. I know that it's all a big game and I don't envy their position. It's gotta be tough to figure out the *right* thing to do because everyone and every situation is different. 

Actually I am flattered and if I was into these guys I'd love it! Problem is, I'm not into them so along with putting out the effort one has to figure out when to take a hint. 

I have to learn about social graces myself. I'm used to years of having male friends and joking around and flirting with them as "friends" but I was married then. Now I'm single and the rules have obviously changed. Back to Square 1.  I haven't spent much time single. I dated one guy from Age 17-23 and then dated a few times in between starting to date my husband of 23 years so it's an adjustment. 

I plan to be very nice to this guy when I do go out to lunch with him. And I have NO doubt that this guy considers this lunch to be more than two friends going for pizza together. He has PMed, texted and emailed THREE times since I confirmed the time with him this past Sunday. Talk about eager! :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Exactly. Meeting a couple of times for drinks, or dinner, etc. as friends to feel it out is my preferred method.


:iagree: That's my style too. 





> See, he doesn't know what he is doing. That is only a 48 notice period. The way I would do it is, "Hey, I would be interested in getting to know you better. If you are agreeable to it, what nights next week do you have available? Maybe we can meet for a beer or a drink?"


I don't mind the 2 day notice. If I'm into someone I'm good with 2 hours!  But I'm not into this guy. I actually know him pretty well and he has asked a number of times what I'm doing, if/when I'd like to get together and I pretty much have come up with an excuse not every time. 

That's when you should take a hint. I haven't heard from him after my last "sorry, but I already got plans"..so maybe that was the trick. I have to tread carefully here because I SEE these people all the time at social events. 

Which convinces me all the more to NOT mix my social life with my romantic life.



> , I actually haven't been turned down yet, so.....who knows. lol


Well, maybe your smart enough not to ask out women who are 15-20 years younger than you, but these guys aren't. I'm sorry but guys who are closer in age to my father's age just DO NOT turn me on. There's gotta be a physical attraction here too and it's not happening.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I feel for guys. They are in a tough place. You appear to eager and you're shot down. You aren't aggressive enough and you appear uninterested. I know that it's all a big game and I don't envy their position. It's gotta be tough to figure out the *right* thing to do because everyone and every situation is different.


I'm reading through this thread, and I just realized something. When it comes to women, in one aspect, I'm sort of like a vampire... I won't go in where I'm not invited.

I might knock on the door. I might even ask if I can come on in. But if you don't lay out a welcome mat and wave me in, I'll stay right where I am until you do.

I wonder if what's intended to be gentlemanly respect for the woman's boundaries is sometimes misinterpreted as a disinterested lack of aggressiveness.


Pb.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Pb - disinterest. For MOST women. Most of us are taught that taking initiative is trashy/****ty and won't do it. We'll hint, tease, flirt... but at some point you have to leap.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Pbartender said:


> I'm reading through this thread, and I just realized something. When it comes to women, in one aspect, I'm sort of like a vampire... I won't go in where I'm not invited.
> 
> I might knock on the door. I might even ask if I can come on in. But if you don't lay out a welcome mat and wave me in, I'll stay right where I am until you do.
> 
> ...


I like the Vampire analogy.  I think there has to be a happy medium between disinterested and over the top. I've hit both in the past few months. 

One guy I actually told I'd date and expressed interest in was so nonchalant that when, after THREE weeks, he finally did set up a day to do something, waited until noon of that day to get back to me to confirm where and what time. And he texted me with "How's your day looking?"

By then I was disinterested in him and blew him off. I hadn't seen him in weeks, talked to him and I barely remembered what he looked. I wasn't even into going out with him. I haven't seen or heard from him since. He either got the message or was relieved. Who knows?

I don't know what his deal was but if was interested in me and was just hanging back he definitely misrepresented. He was the one who made the move to set up the "date" but he didn't follow through well at all. So he came off as disinterested and I lost interest too. 

On the other side of the scale, overaggressive is when you express interest and don't get positive feedback and keep doing it anyway. If you don't get the feedback after the initial or a couple of attempts then it should be dropped. If you touch a woman and she stiffens up and/or moves away then she's NOT interested. If she answers your texts or emails with very few words or not at all. She's NOT interested. If she seems distant or distracted when you talk to her. She's NOT interested. 

I can tell right away when a guy isn't into me. It's the look in his eye or the way he evades eye contact or doesn't seem to respond to what I'm saying. If this is the case I just let it go. If I'm at an event where there is dancing and a guy doesn't want to dance with me I don't keep at him to do so. I'll walk away and let them be. But I see women who literally glom onto a guy and become their shadow and are always hanging around them. I can tell the guy isn't into them but they can't! 

You need to be able to read someone's body language and facial expression. I'm pretty good at that. But I'm also a bit naïve too. I forget that now that I'm single the rules have changed. I don't have the "marriage shield" and need to watch myself more. Plus I LIKE To flirt and joke around with men and that gets misinterpreted, which was the case with my situation. That's the tricky part..figuring out what is just joking and flirting as "just friends" or having someone wanting more.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

An update as to my situation. We had a very nice lunch as friends. About midway through I brought up the other night. I told him I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression by being overly friendly towards him. I explained that over the years I've been involved in a lot of hobbies that are male oriented, have had a lot of male friends and often joke and flirt with them and if I led him to believe that we were more than friends I was sorry. I pretty much did everything I could to set it up that it was my fault, not his. 

Then I explained that for the past 30 years I have been attached to someone in some way. There was my first serious, committed relationship with my first boyfriend, then a period where I dated a little bit but it was less than a year and then I went out with my husband and got married. I said that now I wanted to experience life as a single woman, did NOT want a committed relationship in any form and that I needed to get over my marriage and deal with the divorce and wanted to "find myself" and live life on my own. 

I stressed that I wanted to be FRIENDS with him and that I wanted to be treated like everyone else in our group. I also stressed that I'm not into public displays of affection. 

I also said that I felt strongly that I did NOT want to mix my social life/friends with my dating life, especially when it came to the meetup events. I think all this together combined to put out a strong, but friendly message. But I think he definitely got it. 

He took it like a real gentleman. He said not to worry about it and that I should "enjoy my pizza" and that we're cool. I could tell that it affected him. We did have a very interesting about dating dynamics at meetups and among our peer group. He admitted that he is definitely looking for a relationship and that he's lonely. He seemed amazed that I'd done so much over the years by myself. 

I've traveled all over the east coast and gone to all sorts of events and done things solo and he just couldn't get that I ENJOY being alone. When I mentioned kayaking by myself he thought that seemed "dangerous". He looked particularly amazed when I told him that my future plans include going cross country and possibly relocating someplace on my own. 

It was an interesting conversation but it also served to impress upon him that we are two very different people and I am NOT the one for him. He also went on to talk about his prior relationship and how it didn't work out because he wanted to "settle down" and stay home nights and watch TV (YIKES..shades of my ex husband and NOT what I want to do! :eek) and that his girlfriend still wanted to go out on the town and party it up. I pointed out that I was with his ex girlfriend and staying home watching TV was NOT an acceptable routine activity that I wanted to do in my life. 

He also told me how uncomfortable it was to constantly see his ex girlfriend at meetup event and THIS dovetailed nicely with what I'd said earlier about keeping my social events and love life separate. 

So it worked out quite well. We left on friendly terms and now I've noticed the PMs and comments on my facebook from him have stopped and I'm hoping the public displays of affection have too. I'll find out tonight because he will be there at another dancing event so if he didn't get the message at our lunch I'll reinforce it then. I did tell him during lunch that I do DO NOT like being touched constantly when I dance unless it's a TRUE slow dance. 

Now I just have to be careful about how I am around guys so I don't give them the wrong impression. I have a responsibility to NOT to lead guys on as much as they should hae to respect boundaries. It works both ways.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh..and I got a confirmation that he was indeed into me. Later on my girlfriend told me he texted her after the St Patrick's day meetup event and said how much he was in love with me. :slap: I didn't even know it started there! We had danced together and talked but nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't have a clue! I guess that didn't help matters either because in the meantime I'd been joking with him and probably flirting and then he asked me out to lunch and I said "yes". BAM!! That's all it took! 

What's funny is that during lunch this guy starting telling me how great MY FRIEND was and how he'd date her except "she still hasn't gotten over her husband and obviously has anger issues". I gave my girlfriend the heads up on this and said "Now that I've set him straight on me you might want to keep an eye out." She seemed rather amused. 

It's an interesting life as a single divorcee. :rofl: It's funny, this guy said it was a depressing life being divorced. I laughed and said I was very fascinated by it all. Depressed is the LAST thing I am.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

We're a strange mob, us guys. :-D

And by that, I mean that some of us don't know what we want most of the time.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> We're a strange mob, us guys. :-D
> 
> And by that, I mean that *most* of us don't know what we want most of the time.


:iagree: (fixed that typo for you... )

...but we know it when we see it.


Pb.


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