# She cheated and now I don't know if I want my marriage



## vaughn31 (Mar 28, 2011)

To give you a bit of a back drop....my wife and I have been 2gether for just under 2 years... married almost a year now. Some months ago...maybe summer of last year we started having problems in the intimacy dept. I was rarely in the mood due to work/stress but when we did make love it was great. She came to me and stated that other than the sex, or lack thereof, everything was wonderful and she was very happy. 4 days ago I found out she was having an affair with someone and has been doing this since somewhere around the end of january(she says it only happened twice but the info I found led me to believe had I not...it would have continued right under my nose). Someone that she considers a friend and was an aquaintence of mine(through her of course). This person has been in my house, ate my food, shared good times...a friend of my wife is/WAS a friend of mine right? Well now that I know it feels as if everything is falling apart for me. Before I didn't think twice about the places she said she would be...the people she said she was with...the things she said she was doing...etc and now its like those thoughts consume me. I am a sheriff deputy and i work over night so it's like rather than giving my job 110% while I am here...Im wondering all of the above...calling/texting/questioning her and I never, ever did that in the entire 2 years we have been together. I trusted her like I trust my mother. I dont know what I am supposed to do. She knows that the last woman I was in a "real" relationship with...over 9 years ago...did the EXACT same thing to me so I cant understand what went through her brain at the time she decided to be unfaithful to me. I would have never thought in a million years she would do this to me...eventhough the sex wasnt there like it should have been...everything else was good...so why? Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stay but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get passed this and make things like they were? I do love her but I feel betrayed and my trust is at an all time low.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to get down to the deep down CORE WHY she needed to cheat on you---your mge should still basically be in the hot-passion heavy infatuation stage---where the eyes of the 2 of you should see no one else but each other---mge is hard work---and does become boring, and the same old same old---down the line maybe around 7 to 10 yrs in---and things need to be done by the 2 partners to keep the marital situation spiced up and good---but for this to be happening at 2 yrs---you have a major problem

Work, can cause a lot of problems---but both partners have to realize that you must earn a living, or there are even worse problems---so things have to be adjusted to meet the work schedule

You both are at fault for not dealing with the marital problems, and dealing with them forcibly enuff so as to make the other partner take notice of what is being said----BUT the A---is 100% on your wife

She has wrecked you mge., and driven a dagger thru your heart--where you go from here is up to you

You can drive yourself crazy being a prison guard, and moniter everything she does---but if your wife wants to cheat she will, and there is nothing you can really do to stop her

What you must do, if you want to R.---is to tell her that you will not stay in a mge---where she is involved with another---therefore---if she does not go NC immediately you will move on with your life WITHOUT her

You defintely need to take a hard line about how you deal with this---SHE IS NOT TO PERCEIVE YOU AS BEING SOFT ABOUT ANY OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED

Set up your boundaries---and make sure she knows that there are dealbreaker consequences that you will ACT on---no lip service here---actions not words need to be in effect

Go from there and see where it all leads---see how much she really wants this mge-----once again that is only if you are willing to stick around


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## vaughn31 (Mar 28, 2011)

jnj express said:


> She has wrecked you mge., and driven a dagger thru your heart--where you go from here is up to you


I'm tethering back forth with leaving or staying...the major factor that concerns me as far as leaving is I asked her to completely cut all ties with this person...that's pretty much the ONLY thing I have asked of her since finding out the info that I did....her response to this is that the person has been a friend for years and she can't understand why I would want her to "cut them off completely"(...*insert sarcasm here*u know...jus because they slept together and all) since they were friends before the infidelity. This is something I am really struggling with...I do understand that this person is a "friend"(and I use the term as loosly as humanly possible) and has been for a while...ok i get it....but when those "friendship" lines are crossed and 1 party is married....shouldnt the "cheater" be willing to do whatever it takes to ease the "cheatees" mind if the "cheatee" is even considering taking the "cheater" back as some point? How do I deal with that because honestly I think that is going to be the deal breaker for me. She slept with them and still sees no problem with interacting(on the rare occassions they are in the same general area since they share...no pun intended... other mutual friends)with them...that right there is something I am not prepared to handle now or in the future.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

A woman needs to feel sexy, loved wanted and desired, like a priority. She obviously wasn't getting that from you.

But rather then cheat she should have said "these are my needs, and our marriage will be in trouble unless we can come up with a way of meeting them".


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is it she doesn't understand about this situation---having contact with any male outside a tight circle of friends---who are friends of the mge, as couples-----is inappropriate

On top of that she spread her legs for the guy----why are allowing her to even discuss this

If she wants to stay in the mge---NC goes into effect yesterday---she doesn't get a say in the matter---you dictate the terms---if she doesn't like it tell her to pack her clothes and leave

You then see an atty---go to the bank--put all marital assets in your name---cut off all her credit cards---if there is only one car in the family take control of it, if there are 2 cars tell her she needs to make the payments on her car, along with paying for her own gas--- LET HER SEE WHAT LIFE WILL BE LIKE W/OUT YOU----dry up her ability to function---lets see how much love she has for her friend at that point---YOU MUST BE TUFF IN WHAT YOU DO---that is the only thing that is gonna wake her up and make her see daylight----

But then again maybe you don't wanna stay married to a cheater---You might just need to divorce and start your life over w/out a woman who can't even make it thru 2 yrs. of mge w/out finding excuses to cheat, and keep a lover on the side


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Syrum said:


> A woman needs to feel sexy, loved wanted and desired, like a priority. She obviously wasn't getting that from you.
> 
> But rather then cheat she should have said "these are my needs, and our marriage will be in trouble unless we can come up with a way of meeting them".


See? You man. You love wife. Wife go out. Wife gets laid by other man.
Your fault. You man.

Accepted Syrum then went on to say that she should have talked to you about it. 

You are in your first year of marriage...you should be bonking 7+ times a week! Its new, its exciting. 
Maybe you arent exciting enough for your wife....maybe she's one of those women who just needs a fresh 'sausage' every now and again....
Whatever, you guys need to talk seriously...and sort yourselves out before children appear on the scene.

And dont let people tell you its all your fault!


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

First, I just wanna say that it's ****ed up that you're out facing the dregs of society and have to deal with this ****. Cops, soldiers, WS's need to think about how their decisions affect those individual's psyche and ability to focus on dangerous professions like those.

Anyway, I think another thing you should do is examine why she and your last serious partner cheated and why were you attracted to them. There may be an underlying issue that needs resolution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vaughn31 said:


> I'm tethering back forth with leaving or staying...the major factor that concerns me as far as leaving is I asked her to completely cut all ties with this person...that's pretty much the ONLY thing I have asked of her since finding out the info that I did....her response to this is that the person has been a friend for years and she can't understand why I would want her to "cut them off completely"(...*insert sarcasm here*u know...jus because they slept together and all) since they were friends before the infidelity.


The affair is probably still happening if she's telling you this.

Does OM have a wife or partner? If so, tell their SO today.

You need to tell her you won't live in an open marriage, or else...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Awwww Hail Naw.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

vaughn31 said:


> I trusted her like I trust my mother.



Yep I hear ya man. This is why it hurts so bad. 


Is this the person you want setting an example for your children? Hopefully no kids are yet involved. If this were me, I would run as far away as I could from her. Believe it or not, there ARE women out there that will NOT cheat on you while you are at work, no matter what hours you have. Go find one.


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