# need advice on what yo do



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

My husband had a few "internet affairs" - found out 9 months ago when he left the computer open  Has NC since so he thinks that is the end of it!!!! Prior to the IA we had not had sex for 9 YEARS - I tried but he just rejected me, so in the end I gave up thinking that at his age (in his mid 50's) he had lost interest - but no, only with me  Now after the IA we have had sex about 2/3 since March. Have told him that I NEED to be loved and I WANT sex, but it doesn't seem to filter through.
I am quite attractive and people say I don't look my age and look good, so I am at a loss of what to do, when I talk about it, it ends in an argument. He has seen a MC twice but has completely ignored the advice given. We have been together 36 years. Any advice would be appreciated


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear your story. 

I lived in a sexless marriage for 20 years. We have two children and I think it is a real miracle because I can count on two hands the number of times we had sex.

For a long time, I thought he was gay. EVERYTIME I tried to approach the subject, he would shut me down, tell me he loved me, end of story. I was lost for years. Still am.

I found out in 2009-2010 my husband had been having multiple affairs with women for YEARS. I mean the whole boat: Dating sites, co-workers, escorts..... All at the same time!!

This was a quiet farm-boy type guy who everybody liked as a good guy. It was the shock of my life.

If I were you, I would do some serious investigating. I don't know your husband so I don't know if he is cheating.

He may have self-esteem issues or performance issues....he may need some individual counseling for himself. It's hard to say. I would be suspicious about the Internet activity. ???

As for yourself, if you do not want to live in a sexless marriage, don't. Talk to your husband and get to the bottom of the issues. 50 is the new 40 and not even close to ending your sex life. Marriage Counseling must be in order for you two to connect again.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try googleing sexual attention deficit disorder.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If you've been together 36 years he has to be in his late 50's or early 60's. That means decreased libido and lower testosterone levels. That means less sex and often men turn to porn and/or the internet to jump start the old plumbing.

For that I suggest a visit to the MD for some blood work and maybe even some ED pills if need be. Possible he may need testosterone injections. 

As to the other issues, they may stem from this one or maybe he has plain lost interest. But perhaps you can work with him to reignite the spark or maybe friendship.


----------



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Rugs - I doubt very much if he is having a physical affair as he is retired and never goes out much on his own.

thatbyguy - he is 62 and his plumbing is working fine as he has told me that he pleasures himself a lot  it seems he is not interested in having sex with me. I have done all sorts to ignite the flame but it is hard work when your partner never seems to make much of an effort - especially after his "internet love affair" saying things like "his special love" and wanting to marry her etc. so so hurtful. He says he loves me  but how could he and do this.

Chaparral - I am going to google your suggestion.

I suppose I will have to live "like roommates" for the rest of my life, I am just to old to start again and cannot afford to move out. It is so sad after 36 years together and he was the one that I trusted completely has now shattered all trust.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What are his reasons for the sexless marriage and his multiple online affairs? Why did he say those things to other women?


----------



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

alte dame

He says he "doesn't know why we hadn't had sex in 9 YEARS"
and what he said to the other women were "only words" and a game!!!!!! I don't seem to get any response out of him.
I told him that if he had spent the time on his marriage that he spent on his IA we would have a great marriage, have also asked why he can't say those things to me he said to them
and he has no answer. I am so banging my head against a wall. I have told him time and time again I need some loving and romance to get me over this but he can't or doesn't want to do anything, he is just full of excuses.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is your life, too, essexgirl. You have choices and ultimately you have control over where you go for your future.

IF he really hasn't had physical sex with you or any other woman for 9 years AND he insists that he loves you and wants the marriage, then he needs some professional help.

IF he is telling other women that he loves them because he hasn't felt it for you for a long time, then you need to get out.

There are many possible truths in addition to these.

No matter what, though, you have a right to know exactly what is going on with him so that you can make the important decisions that you need to make for your own life. 

Make no mistake, his online affairs are affairs. Both the words and actions matter and were betrayals. It is up to you what you do in the aftermath of these betrayals.


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

essexgirl said:


> My husband had a few "internet affairs" - found out 9 months ago when he left the computer open  Has NC since so he thinks that is the end of it!!!! Prior to the IA we had not had sex for 9 YEARS - I tried but he just rejected me, so in the end I gave up thinking that at his age (in his mid 50's) he had lost interest - but no, only with me  Now after the IA we have had sex about 2/3 since March. Have told him that I NEED to be loved and I WANT sex, but it doesn't seem to filter through.
> I am quite attractive and people say I don't look my age and look good, so I am at a loss of what to do, when I talk about it, it ends in an argument. He has seen a MC twice but has completely ignored the advice given. We have been together 36 years. Any advice would be appreciated


Get a boyfriend and/or divorce your husband.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I suppose you can make him your roommate and go live your life. Make new friends, travel, explore new hobbies... Perhaps that will pique his interest in you again as he sees a new person. 

Or, as suggested, divorce him (or just move out and skip the divorce unless he pursues it) and then live your life. You're not too old to start over.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> My husband had a few "internet affairs" - found out 9 months ago when he left the computer open  Has NC since so he thinks that is the end of it!!!! Prior to the IA we had not had sex for 9 YEARS - I tried but he just rejected me, so in the end I gave up thinking that at his age (in his mid 50's) he had lost interest - but no, only with me  Now after the IA we have had sex about 2/3 since March. Have told him that I NEED to be loved and I WANT sex, but it doesn't seem to filter through.
> I am quite attractive and people say I don't look my age and look good, so I am at a loss of what to do, when I talk about it, it ends in an argument. He has seen a MC twice but has completely ignored the advice given. We have been together 36 years. Any advice would be appreciated


He might not need counselling. He might need a visit to a doctor to find out what is wrong.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Consult a sex therapist, and also an MC. He might have some physical problems which need to be diagnosed by a doctor.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I doubt if the problem is physical. Maybe your pressurizing him too much. You have to live with his internet fancies. Telling him what you NEED, is more like commanding him. Its better asking him what he thinks you need. As you say when you talk about it, it ends in an argument. Sounds like its more than just talking. 
I dont think his counselling will help. But maybe you should have some counselling to find out how to get through to your husband. Like I tell many others try to get him to come on here and let us hear his opinion.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Anuvia said:


> Get a boyfriend and/or divorce your husband.


Sorry, that is just crazy.

The only moral advice is to:

1) Continue to find ways to attack the problem and find resolution. I'm assuming OP is here for that type of advice.

2) End the relationship.

Finding a boyfriend just turns a big problem into an enormous problem. If you've reached that point, you might as well divorce.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband went 9 YEARS without having sex with you, pleasures himself, and has an IA on the internet!

There is really a TITANIC disconnect in your marriage and *I would look for resentments first*. Then I would try everything that you can to get you both to a someone that can help both of you. This forum will give you everything we got but you need someone that can deal with both of you face to face.

How the hell do you go 9 years without sex? I would explode and I am your husband’s age

Blunt


----------



## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

You and your husband need to connect for there to be anything to salvage sexually. It is not enough for him to say 'he didn't know' about the paucity of sexual intimacy you two have had. Your needs have to become his desires (and vice versa) if this is to work. He is your long term partner and should be free to discuss these things with you after all this time. If not, then it needs to start now.

Or you will either end up unhappy/unfulfilled for the rest of your life and/or alone/looking elsewhere.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read His Needs Her Needs?


----------

