# Women, Sex & Orgasms



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Having a little back and forth on another thread. I have stated that my wife's enjoyment and orgasm is of paramount importance to me. The discussion stemmed from a poster saying many men in "sexless" marriages stating their spouses always having wives who do orgasm 90%+ of the time, but are sexless, so what is the issue.

Maybe I am naive that I want my wife to reach the promised land the vast majority of the time. If she doesn't I'd talk about the issues and guess what that would probably mean less sex (of course not talking about those occasional freebie BJ's or a quickie). 

However If my spouse tells me she can only orgasm 1X/wk (or enjoy the whole sex thing, which includes the orgasm), then I think I'd learn to live with that? I'd then decide how best to handle the other 6 days in the week.

Of course this also means one has a happy, healthy affectionate marriage in general.

Seems like a small sacrifice to me...... I guess this comes back to how important is your wife's orgasm to you?

I think also 1X/wk is reasonable if you want 2-3X/wk (with bonus weeks and special occasions like bdays, anniversary nights out and vacations when the mood is right).

So am I missing something????


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Not entirely sure what the question(s) are, but here's what I gathered (and while I don't purport to know about women in general, I'll answer with my wife in mind).

Q: What is the issue with some women having orgasms 90+% of the time, yet not wanting sex.

A: With my wife she is easily and quickly pleased every time. She just doesn't want sex. She considers sex the lowest priority in her life. Everything else: vacuuming, getting more sleep, organizing the linen closet... everything is more important to her than sex. For her the orgasms, while powerful, just aren't important to her. She just doesn't care (except for ~4-6 times a year) and the only reason she agrees to have sex 1-2x/week is because she knows how much it hurts me to want her and not have her. She has sex, only because she doesn't want to hurt me... then she has her 1-3 orgasms and is done and would rather I just go away, but she is gracious enough to put on a nice smile and soldier on until I'm done.

She tries to let me get her in the mood, and sometimes it works... often times she just couldn't care no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.

Q: Is compromise the way to go with respect to sexual frequency (guessing that's your question)?

A: Yeah, but the problem is in some cases the differences in sex drives can be huge. I would love to have sex with my wife 2-3x/day... every day (and I'm nearly 40 and still feel this way). My wife would honestly be happy if we made love 4-6 times a year. She enjoys the orgasms and the sex for about 5 minutes for about 1-2x/week but frankly even that's in her opinion way too much, anymore is out of the question for her. She just can't/won't do it more frequently as a general rule, either she feels physically spent, in pain or both.

Trying to get her into the mood or even willing to have sex more than 1-2x/week in general is like trying to get blood from a stone... you can try all you want: not going to happen.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Conversely Browncat, if your wife did not orgasm, would you still push her for that 1-2X/wk? Maybe I have convinced myself that orgasm=pleasure=enjoyment, because as a man all orgasms are good (run the gamut from merely okay to great.....). Thus I equate the same thing with a females O. If she did not have it, then I'd be lost. 

I think the issues run deeper (i.e. psychologically) as they (wives) admit to enjoying the orgasm and the time involved is negligible.

Yea so it is low on the priority list, and maybe too high on ours, it comes down to compromise and to me feeling/seeing my wife's orgasm is at least 50% of my enjoyment about the whole act.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

As far as I am concerned, my wife's pleasure is the entire point of having sex. What I have found is that there is a pardoxical relationship between establishing her orgasm as "a goal", and actually achieving it. The harder we try to "acheive" her orgasm, the more difficult it becomes to attain, but when we focus on our feelings, it happens every time.

When we slow sex way down, and focus on the sensations, and we tell each other what we want and what feels good, she will more often than not have multiple/ongoing orgasms. Seeing and feeling her having orgasms gives me an intense physical and emotional pleasure that's difficult to describe.

Her orgasm is the fuel that makes our sex life go. It builds up our "chi" energy and our desire for each other. Recently, when we have had this slower, more mindful sex, when we decide to finish, it leaves both of us energized. I don't feel like rolling over and sleeping, I feel like doing something.

Our most recent sexual experiences have lasted for well over an hour, and the overall experience and our orgasms (multiple/ongoing/rolling orgasms for her, and explosive drenching ones for me) have been mind-blowing. I never imagined sex could be this awesome. It has completely transformed our relationship.

We arrived at this point after a long spell of her LD (possibly a result of a hysterectomy several years ago), her refusal to have sex (mostly "duty" sex) more than a few times a month, and a rocky relationship overall. We both had repressive Catholic upbringings, and we sought marriage counseling and sex therapy as a last-gasp effort to revive the relationship, and it has worked like a charm.

My adivce to the men is slow the sex WAY, WAY down, focus on the physical sensations and the emottional feelings, and make her and her clitoris the center of your sexual universe. I wish someone had told me this many years ago, and thank God I finally figured it out with some help. Go get counseling if you think you need it, it was one of the best investments I ever made.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Conversely Browncat, if your wife did not orgasm, would you still push her for that 1-2X/wk? Maybe I have convinced myself that orgasm=pleasure=enjoyment, because as a man all orgasms are good (run the gamut from merely okay to great.....). Thus I equate the same thing with a females O. If she did not have it, then I'd be lost.
> 
> I think the issues run deeper (i.e. psychologically) as they (wives) admit to enjoying the orgasm and the time involved is negligible.
> 
> Yea so it is low on the priority list, and maybe too high on ours, it comes down to compromise and to me feeling/seeing my wife's orgasm is at least 50% of my enjoyment about the whole act.


Well I can't answer for women, but I'll say this. I love sex, but my wife far more often than not can't take anymore long before I've come close to orgasm. Often times we basically postplay (my made up word to describe foreplay after sex is complete), but even then the apparent lack of interest from my wife often times leaves me just getting up and going on with my day (w/o orgasm/ejaculation). Even w/o orgasm I consider the sex worth it, because for me sex is more than just a means to an orgasm.

I'd hazard to guess that for many women it's the same way: that sex isn't a means to an orgasm, that there are lots of pleasant things to take away from sex aside from an orgasm.

Though I'll agree, as a guy I really *want* to give her an orgasm every time. I also used to believe that an orgasm was what I wanted most, but over the years I've learned that sex in and of itself w/o an orgasm is completely worth it and is good (though capped with a good orgasm makes it better imo).

My advice and ask her for a truthful answer, if she genuinely wants an orgasm every time or even most of the time. She may not care, as baffling as that may seem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I guess this comes back to how important is your wife's orgasm to you?


To my husband it's everything. He'd lose interest if I didn't enjoy it with him.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Browncoat - One of the things that came out of our relationship counseling is that the therapist was able to explain to my wife that sex was a HUGE emotional need for me (she always assumed is was mostly physical), and that I needed that emotional connection in order to feel close to her, and keep the marriage alive.

My wife entered into counseling with a good attitude (that MC/ST was going to help us salvage and improve our relationship) about changing things. She has started working out, lost weight, firmed up (REALLY firmed up these days), got a new job, bought some new clothes, dresses more sexy, and has had a major boost of self-esteem. People ask her what her secret is almost every day.

This self-confidence has carried over to our sex life. She is not hesitant to initiate, tell me she is horny and wants me to f*ck her, and take the lead in bed. She will even masturbate now when she is horny and I'm not around, which she never did before.

The only downside is that this has exposed my need to "step up my game" like she has, and that's a good thing. Our therapist says that the hallmark of the best marriages is when both couples push each other to make things and each other better, and each of us are all to happy to be pushed and to push back in a positive way.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

She knows how important it is to me. She didn't always, but she read some books a few years back. That's why we managed to get our rate of sexual activity from the 4-12 times a year it was for the first 10-12 years of our marriage to the ~4x/month it is now.

The fundamental problem is that sex hurts if we do it anymore frequently than that most of the time. She experiences pain often times for days after the most gentle of sex. She's been to multiple gyno's and they all say she's fine.

She also just fundamentally doesn't want sex. As much as she tries to put on a good face (even when it doesn't hurt), it's clear from the way her body responds that she'd rather be doing just about anything else. When she's actually in the mood (4-6x/year) sex is wonderful, she feels like an entirely different woman. The rest of the time... no matter how much she tries it's just not there.

I'm just not convinced that any amount of talking is going to turn that around. It's the only hope I have left though.

Outside the bedroom though, we have a very loving relationship. It's just that things are utterly broken in the bedroom in about every conceivable way. Even when she's in the mood 4-6x/year she's still not passionate. She's never wanted to really go at it sexually, it's just that for those few times her body is somewhat reasonably responsive.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> To my husband it's everything. He'd lose interest if I didn't enjoy it with him.


That's what I think, but others seem to disagree. Nothing does more to me then seeing her getting off. You can't fake a great O.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife has always had an easy time having an orgasm and it really turns me on to know that I am pleasuring her. Last night I gave her oral and after she had a great orgasm (you know, loud moaning, body shaking) she looked at me and said, "WOW you really know how to do that!" So, yes that really turns me on. HOWEVER...there are times when she will say, "I just don't have the energy tonight, so you go ahead." So I do. She still enjoys the closeness and it only happens a couple times a month. It used to bother me, but I have learned that is is really OK with her so I am OK with it too.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

go down on her every night i am sure she will love that


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## DonnvWarner (Apr 9, 2012)

Conversely Browncat, if your wife did not orgasm


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Do you tell your partner how important it is for her to orgasm?
For me if i felt presured it to having an orgasm i wouldn't be able to have one.
I love sex even if i don't orgasm most of the time i do but if i don't i haven't enjoyed it any less and neither does my partner.

I had a ex who would ask me why i hadn't orgasmed if i didn't as a result i stopped orgasming with him at all as i felt to pressured.
I say just relax i can't be the only women who orgasm isn't the reason they have sex its a nice bonus but it fells great with or without it.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> Do you tell your partner how important it is for her to orgasm?
> For me if i felt presured it to having an orgasm i wouldn't be able to have one.
> I love sex even if i don't orgasm most of the time i do but if i don't i haven't enjoyed it any less and neither does my partner.
> 
> ...


You see I can't as a man fully comprehend the above. Yes sex can be fun without the orgasm, or if you do something specifically for your SO, but without the payoff for men anything less then 90% of the time, I can ensure you the frustration level would be sky high.....


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Yeah i get that but for me if i don't orgasm i'm not left frustrated as i still enjoy it just as much without.
I was on anti depressents a couple of years ago and i couldn't orgasm on them at all that left me frustrated because i could get so close but it wouldn't happen.
Normally tho if i am having sex abd not going to orgasm i don't get that almost there feeling its just a nice feeling throughout.
Its rare i don't orgasm but without it i really honestly don't enjoy it any less.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> Yeah i get that but for me if i don't orgasm i'm not left frustrated as i still enjoy it just as much without.
> I was on anti depressents a couple of years ago and i couldn't orgasm on them at all that left me *frustrated because i could get so close but it wouldn't happen*.
> Normally tho if i am having sex abd not going to orgasm i don't get that almost there feeling its just a nice feeling throughout.
> Its rare i don't orgasm but without it i really honestly don't enjoy it any less.


But you state that getting close but not getting there is frustrating..... Yes that happens once in a while, okay, if it starts happening 20%+ of the time, then there is an issue. So you have from what I can tell contradicted yourself, unless you are saying not coming close and having no orgasm is great too, which really confuses me.

For a man the O is the payoff......


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you ever listen to yourself have? Ever? 

You keep posting "for a man x is true" but you are in a thread talking to a woman. No wonder you have never posted a single response to any question anyone has asked about your wife and sex. You are so determined to prove you are right via repetition, that you don't ask anyone anything that might contradict you.

Even your opening post here was an attempt to skew the outcome. Look at how you say enjoyment and orgasm as if they are one and the same. This is a very blatant attempt to say that anyone who doesn't push their wfe up the orgasmic hill doesn't care if having sex feels good for her.





QUOTE=Havesomethingtosay;669168]But you state that getting close but not getting there is frustrating..... Yes that happens once in a while, okay, if it starts happening 20%+ of the time, then there is an issue. So you have from what I can tell contradicted yourself, unless you are saying not coming close and having no orgasm is great too, which really confuses me.

For a man the O is the payoff......[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

No because i said on the anti depressents i would get close but never there and i mean never ever no matter what me or my partner did that was frustrating.

With normal sex like now i ain't on anti depressents i don't get there feeling of nearly there with out having a orgasm.
Sometimes when i have sex i don't orgasm but i never get to the nearly there feeling its just good all the way through without even starting to build to orgasm.

I don't know why it happens sometimes and i don't care why because i don't need to orgasm to enjoy it.

I know it may not make total sense and of course i love having orgasms but i also just love the feeling of sex so i am happy just with that at times.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Do you ever listen to yourself have? Ever?
> 
> You keep posting "for a man x is true" but you are in a thread talking to a woman. No wonder you have never posted a single response to any question anyone has asked about your wife and sex. You are so determined to prove you are right via repetition, that you don't ask anyone anything that might contradict you.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Sorry if I am hitting too close to home for you mem11363. 

Bill Maher had a very interesting take on people who give advise..... They tell you what worked FOR THEM and then tout it as gospel..... You are very good at telling us all what has worked for you and then stating that it will work for everyone. You have written volumes of step by step instructions of what to do and may work for some people. I have said and know you are caring and sincere. However some statements and comments are flat out wrong. 

I have said my wife orgasms almost all the time and yes that is very important to her (or at least see when she doesn't, she is not happy) and that no we do not have as much sex as I want, but have a decent sex life. You Mem11363 scoff at all men who post saying their spouse's are orgasmic, yet don't want to have sex more then 2X/mth if that. 

I stated that I want sex at a frequency that ensures she has an orgasm, and if she did not then I'd certainly adjust my frequency to her desire level (i.e. ability to orgasm). 

Is that right? Not sure....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Having a little back and forth on another thread. I have stated that my wife's enjoyment and orgasm is of paramount importance to me. The discussion stemmed from a poster saying many men in "sexless" marriages stating their spouses always having wives who do orgasm 90%+ of the time, but are sexless, so what is the issue.
> 
> Maybe I am naive that I want my wife to reach the promised land the vast majority of the time. If she doesn't I'd talk about the issues and guess what that would probably mean less sex (of course not talking about those occasional freebie BJ's or a quickie).
> 
> ...


In my real life experience with my H, I think that my O is important to him...but it is not paramount. So, if it doesn't happen, the world doesn't come crashing down around us.

To me personally, it's more about his concern about the whole experience of sex and my enjoyment with it (whether I get to an O or not) that is important...as well as his enjoyment with the experience.

Sometimes I just can't get to that promised land ... occasionally even HE can't get there. No big deal ... we both like the whole experience.

And as a wife, THAT is what keeps me coming back for more, even as much as I like those O's...I like the bond and closeness that having sex brings. And the more we have it, the more I do crave it and how it positively enhances our relationship.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I am a man and I don't know if I could have back to back times where I didn't finish. I just hope that my wife and I can continue making love and enjoy each other.


I get that often times with my wife, it's very annoying (typically I have to finish myself).

Still though there are times when even by myself I just get into a mode where it's just not going to happen (generally if it doesn't happen after 20-30 minutes, it's not going to happen). It's frustrating, but to be honest I still enjoyed the whole sexual experience.

Frustration and all, I'd take sex w/o O over no sex any day of the week.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I'm just adding to the knowledge base here. No judging or taking sides by me.
> 
> My wife is like some other woman on this thread that reported that they don't need to always have an O.
> That they enjoy the closeness and bonding that occurs.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Instead of giving you a *LIKE* I had to say that you have encapsulated what I said in my OP. There have been a few times I too did not finish and went "too long"..... Trust me an anomaly. So no problem...... If this was a common occurrence that would be an issue.

Now having ED would be another issue which I did not equate to "no orgasm"but maybe if I did, we'd have a different discussion. i.e. I love sex, but can't get an erection....:scratchhead:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

For me it is a goal vs. journey question. I don't see having sex with my husband as meeting a set goal. It is the journey of sharing our bodies, being close, smelling his scent, cuddling, knowing that he wants me. There is indeed a difference between the way men and women are wired for sex.

I can't always be sure of the reason why when I occasionally don't have an orgasm, but I do always like the closeness with my husband.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> For me it is a goal vs. journey question. I don't see having sex with my husband as meeting a set goal. * It is the journey of sharing our bodies, being close, smelling his scent, cuddling, knowing that he wants me.* There is indeed a difference between the way men and women are wired for sex.
> 
> I can't always be sure of the reason why when I occasionally don't have an orgasm, but I do always like the closeness with my husband.


My wife knows this...... We cuddle (hate that word), spoon, laugh and are together on the couch..... When we have sex there is a goal..... You haven't mentioned your "success" ratio or "amount", which I only ask out of curiosity.... 

The point is that if you are O'ing 90% of the time then what you said above means little as it does happen and you are then romantisizing it. If you only reach it 50% of the time, what would your reaction be then or your husband's????:scratchhead:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> My wife knows this...... We cuddle (hate that word), spoon, laugh and are together on the couch..... When we have sex there is a goal..... You haven't mentioned your "success" ratio or "amount", which I only ask out of curiosity....
> 
> The point is that if you are O'ing 90% of the time then what you said above means little as it does happen and you are then romantisizing it. If you only reach it 50% of the time, what would your reaction be then or your husband's????:scratchhead:


Yes, I agree that 50% would be a problem. My percentage is 95. I have suggested to men in sexless marriages that they make sure that their wives understand how their bodies work. If the wife cannot O, she will not likely enjoy sex.

I do romanticize sex because for me it means the way that I love my husband. I cannot separate sex from love.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Yes, I agree that 50% would be a problem. My percentage is 95. I have suggested to men in sexless marriages that they make sure that their wives understand how their bodies work. If the wife cannot O, she will not likely enjoy sex.
> 
> I do romanticize sex because for me it means the way that I love my husband. I cannot separate sex from love.


And I'm happy for you..... But a success rate of 95%, makes things pretty good, and doesn't answer the question. You did with how you'd feel at 50%.

Thanks,


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I guess this is hard for me because I am HD. I do not truly understand how the LD spouse thinks. This question would be better answered by someone who can be happy without a good sexual relationship.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dean,
When pain starts - sex stops. I think you would find few who would dispute that. The harder question to answer is what to do when you have found a non-painful way to play, but you generally cannot get your wife to O anymore. The stuff that used to work, doesn't work anymore. Then what? 

Because that is where we are. And for a while it was obvious my W was happy to switch gears. Kind of makes (very sad) sense that when you get to switch from doing something that hurts to something that doesn't, its enough of an improvement to feel better for a while. But we are now in that very difficult place where my wonderful partner is mostly doing this because the rest of the marriage is so good. On a good day this is a desire to be close to me. On a bad day simply the recognition that this is part of the overall package. 





*Dean* said:


> I'm just adding to the knowledge base here. No judging or taking sides by me.
> 
> My wife is like some other woman on this thread that reported that they don't need to always have an O.
> That they enjoy the closeness and bonding that occurs.
> ...


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