# Wife resents me, Please help!



## DFL (Dec 18, 2018)

My wife and i have known each other since we were 11, we are 30 now. We were each others first kiss in late primary school and then went off to different high schools. We met back up at university and started dating. We got married 8 years later and have been married for 2 years this year. She is of Asian heritage, her and her two siblings were born in Australia though. They are aussie kids.. parents are traditional in their cultural beliefs etc.

Earlier this year my wife started some strange behaviour. Thinking that the house was bugged, people were in the house or in the yard, the place her parents were living was not actually owned by them (it is), paranoid that there was something wrong with the water, not sleeping at all, catatonic state - the list goes on. i had no idea what to do - was this normal - no - but what should i do. I got in contact with my sister who is a psychologist who herself got some further advice and she said that my wife should be going to hospital.

So her father gets involved and says that all my wife needed was some rest for a few days. I felt uneasy about this however she went to her dads that morning. I called to see how she was and he said she was fine. I then visited that evening with my sister and she was not fine. Still withdrawn and then out of the blue accused her mum of touching her and putting something in her that she just got out.. We went the the hospital that evening, her parents decided not to come.

The delusions continued.. she was treated by a nurse and was then convinced she had AIDS and that no one should touch her as they might get aids. She would not drink any water unless i gave it to her in a bottle. An assessment was done and it was confirmed she was having an episode of acute psychosis. The treating team said that they have a duty of care and admitted her under an involuntary treatment order.
So my wife is in the ward for about 2 weeks, struggles with getting the right medication but in the end found something that worked for her re side affects. Everything seems to be going ok, she was upset about not having control of her life and that she went into hospital, and then she is notified that she is no longer involuntary. She was super happy about this. Over the course of the year we had been talking about/planning for our first child which she was excited for and wanted to start trying as soon as we could. We discussed talking to her Dr about the medication and how that will work with pregnancy etc.

She gets a new job (long hours, stressful, much the same as the previous job which i think triggered the first episode however she is now working with more supportive colleagues). About 2 weeks ago (early December 18) she said that she needed some space to think about things. Before this i noticed that she was spending a lot of time on her own in the house but in the other room, listening to music, netflix etc. We have always respected each other space so i didn’t think much of it. every now and then if i want some me time so i just go into another room and do the same thing, no big deal. So she says she needs space and time to think and i come home one evening and we have a big discussion about the following;
she resents the decision i made to take her to hospital
she resents my sister for the role she played in her hospitalisation
she brings up that my mothers family treat her poorly and i am not there to support her enough on this matter - agreed i could do better here
she says that she has feelings for a colleague at work and has done so since she started the new job (about 8 weeks ago)
i was shocked by this and asked all the questions such as faithfulness, how strong are the feelings, why does she like him, does he reciprocate the feelings etc.

Her response was i don’t know if he does, he is married with 2 children. I said ok does anyone else at work know and she said she wasn’t sure and that maybe it was just one big joke… that is when i went hold on… one big joke.. ?? In my mind if you’re going to tell your significant other that you have feelings for someone else then its not normal to think that everyone at work thinks this is one big joke nor is it even relevant. This was a tick box for me on a relapse.

She went to her sisters for time and space and then came home that evening at 2 am saying that she had thought things through and she loves me. We continued to talk and i asked her about her sleep - she had not been sleeping for a few days… another tick in the relapse column. i asked her why she thinks she has not been sleeping and she said i don’t know its like someone has laced me with medication (referencing a drug she was previously on that kept her awake). I said really, and she said have you? i said no darling i have not. She then proceeded to pop out all the left over medication that kept her awake that we had in the house and asked me if it was safe to flush them down the toilet.. another tick in the relapse box. i said yes and she flushed them. I then asked her if she thought it would help to have a PRN relaxant and try to relax and get some sleep. She agreed and i got her a glass of water to take it. She tipped the water out and filled the cup again… another tick.

The next day she said she wanted to go and stay with her parents. She has been there for about 8 days now. We have spoken once (a few text messages also) and she has basically said she is not sure about our future, we should cancel our beach holiday in early January etc.

I feel at such a loss, my soul mate who i have known since i was 11 is basically not wanting anything to do with me. I have respected her request for space and have not contacted her. She has said she doesn’t want marriage counselling which i find hard to take because we always have talked things out. I am really hurt and hurting, did i do the right thing in getting her to hospital?

What am i to do? How much space do it give her? Is this a relapse or not? If it is how do i get her help as her parents (where she is staying) don’t really believe in mental health issues. If it is not a relapse how do i save our relationship?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your wife is clearly mentally ill. You might need to go back and talk to her doctor yourself to inform them what is going on. If she goes off the meds she'll be back in full blown psychosis.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a very hard situation. From the sounds of it, your wife is mentally ill. The way you describe her reminds me of a nephew of mine who is a paranoid schizophrenic. 

There is no way you should be considering having children with your wife. She's does not sound stable enough to care for children. Plus, with the hormonal changes of pregnancy, it can really feed into the psychosis. 

You say that you have known your wife since you were both 11 years old. But there was a very critical time when you did not know her, during highschool. Mental health issues such as schizophrenia or bi-polar often do not show up until the late teens or sometime in the 20's. Both schizophrenia or bi-polar can cause phycosis in a person. My nephew's doctors say that it's often very hard to tell if a person is schizophrenic or bi-polar as the illnesses have so many similarities.

Your wife resents that you put her in a hospital. She resents your sister for her part in it all. That's pretty normal. Most people with these sorts of mental health issues are in denial. They think that they are not the problem. It's the rest of the world that is the problem. I took care of my nephew for a couple of years in his early 20's. I was the one who took him to the hospital and had him committed. That was the first time a doctor evaluated him and when he got his diagnosis as having paranoid schizophrenia. I also did the work to get him on SSI so that he could have some money as he was unable to work. But he resented me for putting him in the hospital, resented me for getting him on SSI. And he resented the other family members who helped him. This is very normal.

Your wife is not well. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to put your life on hold to take care of a person with a serious mental health issue. To make things more complicated, it sounds like she might not be willing to stay with you.

How much space do you give her? You give her all the space that she wants. It's completely up to her. So if she does not want to return to live with you, there is nothing you can do about it except accept her decision.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I think you need an intervention of sorts. If I were in your shoes, I would first sit down with her parents, where she is now staying and share some of your concerns. Especially ask them what they feel should be done to help her. They probably are as concerned and want the best for her. 

I also think that from your discussion this is not a DIY fix it project. You need real professionals to help your spouse along with professionals to deal with the damage to you, her family. and your family. I have a friend who has dementia and she tends to lash out at people around her. However, just knowing that the lashing out is caused not by meanness, but by being angry at herself for not knowing things she thinks she should know helps me cope with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do not even think of having kids with her. 

Even normal, mentally and emotionally healthy people can experience severe emotional and mental problems after babies arrive. This can be do to hormonal changes, stress, lack of sleep, relationship issues etc etc 

If someone is having mental issues as a baseline before kids, Lord only knows how bad that can get afterwards. There are many cases of new mothers becoming suicidal and even harming the babies (harming husbands too). 

Also, mental illness can run in families and children of mentally ill parents are more prone to emotional and mental illness. If you think it is tough dealing with mentally ill wife, just wait until you have a mentally ill wife and kids. 

There is also a very real chance that she is going to hooking up with other men. If things come down to divorce, you do not want that to be any more complicated or costly than necessary. If you have kids and she goes off the rails to the point she can't/won't work, then you will be on the hook for child support and alimony. 

Keep your swimmers to yourself and start looking into exit strategies.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have been given excellent advice here. Be aware of the fact that should she have paranoid schizophrenia this is often genetically transferred. Her parents should know if other family members have had similar problems. The older folks of her culture often want such family issues kept secret--this may or may not be the case with them.

Should your wife stop taking her meds as OFTEN happens with both schizophrenia and bipolar illnesses, she can be a serious threat to herself and others. Time is of the essence in making health decisions. Has your wife at this young age signed a power of attorney for health care? You are likely the decision maker otherwise.

You are fortunate that your sister can help educate you with regard to your wife's illness (leaning toward paranoid schizophrenia at this time). It is imperative that trained professionals make medical decisions in cases such as this--not her parents. I'm thinking you are feeling somewhat overwhelmed--this is normal. Your wife likely doesn't understand what is happening to her. 
I will keep you in my prayers. Let us know....


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I agree with the other posters, we have a son who was dx’d With paranoid schizophrenia. He pretty much does similar things as your wife. 

The world is against him and if he doesn’t take his meds which he often misses, he becomes another person. Complains of persecution by the people that love him most. 
Recently he called his stepmother down as she refused to kowtow to giving him money ( he gets a sum from disability, enough to pay for his needs). In the past he has been hospitalized and assessed and reassessed only to be released a few days later.

You love her, but in her incapacitated state, she may end up with another man.
I am so sorry that you are in this predicament, but we’re I you, I would run. Just my opinion.

OT


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife doesn't actually resent you. She is seriously and dangerously ill.

I hope she can get the help she needs.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

What diagnosis was she given when she was hospitalized? There are many that share symptoms, so knowing what she is actually dealing with would be helpful, and remove any guessing. The treatment options tend to vary greatly depending on the mental illness. 

Talk to her parents about what has been happening with her if you can. Be very honest, but not overly dramatic, about your concerns. If they are the type to refuse to acknowledge that their daughter is mentally ill, your hands are tied. You are her husband, and you could probably force her to involuntarily committed, but if she already resents you, she will only build on those feelings. 

As far as pregnancy is concerned, there are people with a mental illness that are exceptional parents. In your wife's case, that is unfortunately not very likely going to be what happens. It is not impossible, but she would have to put in some serious work, and understand her mental illness, and accept it. The acceptance is the hard part. We all want to be "normal" and she is no different. Some people with a mental illness just handle it better than others. It all depends on the person, their support network, the diagnosis, and the severity of their disorder. 

You could be the greatest husband in the world, and still not be able to manage to remain married to her regardless of how much you love her (and it is obvious that you do). It is hard enough to be married for 10,20, 30+ years in a "normal" relationship. In your case, you can have years of wedded bliss, and walk in the door one day to an emotional hurricane. 

I am sorry that you, and she, have to go through this. I credit you for the strength and dedication you have shown to try to help her. Now, all you can do is talk to her parents, and figure out what to do next. If this is not something you feel like you can handle repeatedly over the years, consider your options for the long term. Anyone who has dealt with what you do would understand, and those who don't have never walked a mile in your shoes. 

I wish you and your wife the best, and hope that she gets the help she needs. Make sure you have your own support network as well. You really do need someone you can talk to who will not guilt trip you, judge you, or your wife, and just listen.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My heart breaks for you, I'm so sorry you're in this position. 

Your wife does NOT resent you, she doesn't know what's happening to her and is probably very frightened. I would be.

She is having a relapse and NEEDS to be back in hospital and under the regular care of a psychiatrist to get this under control, so that she - and you by extension - can have a quality of life. If she stops taking her medication she will become a real risk to herself, schizophrenics are rarely a danger to others, it's happened but it is not common.

As her husband, you are legally her next of kin (in Australia, I'm in Oz too), you need to do what's best for her, which is to take her back to the hospital and have her held under the Mental Health Act. I know this will be very hard for you to do...

In terms of support for you try SANE Australia. Also Head to Health offers lots of great, up to date information, though SANE Aus has more info on how you can look after you as well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife doesn't actually resent you. She is seriously and dangerously ill.
> 
> I hope she can get the help she needs.


*Your wife appears to be a major league head case, @DFL

You've done all that you can possibly do except to remove yourself from the equation!*


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

How tragic for you to be going through this. My grandmother was a schizophrenic and life was very difficult for my mother and her siblings as well as my grandfather. If the mental illness you are dealing with turns out to be schizophrenia, it often manifests in women in their early to mid 20's. There might be signs earlier, but the strongest indicators come out around this age. Your life will become a roller coaster and it will be emotionally draining for you. If you intend to try and stay with your wife, make sure you also have a good support system and don't be afraid to use your support people - that is what they are there for.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I just have to say I'm shocked and saddened at some of the comments here, suggesting the OP should leave his wife.

Do marriage vows mean anything anymore? At all? "In sickness and in health" - remember that part?

This woman is sick! She needs help and compassion.

I know it will be a rocky road, and it won't be easy but that's what the OP signed up for when he took his wedding vows!


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

frusdil said:


> I just have to say I'm shocked and saddened at some of the comments here, suggesting the OP should leave his wife.
> 
> Do marriage vows mean anything anymore? At all? "In sickness and in health" - remember that part?
> 
> ...


I agree with you, to a point. He should stay and help her. The point I disagree with is unless it destroys him. Marriage vows do not say "In sickness and in health, even if it means I destroy you in the process." Mental illness can devastate loved ones, and can in fact, and often does, cause them the to develop their own mental illnesses if the situation is stressful enough. 

So, yes, he should do his best for her, but he also needs to have something left of himself. If that means he needs to leave her in more capable hands, it really is the best thing for both of them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best advice I can give is to go to her doctors when she was inpatient and ask if one of them will go with you to visit her and her parents. I know her patients probably won't listen to or believe Western doctors, but it's possible that if they see and hear an authority figure - and it coincides with their concern for their daughter - they just might be willing to work with you to get her help. The reason she's not getting help, it seems, is that her parents aren't pushing for it, so they are her 'cushion' against doing what needs to be done. The only solution I see is getting them on board.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Whether your wife respects you or not, I want you to know that I do. I know that I'm a nameless, faceless person on the internet, and it would mean a lot more if those words came from a "real" person, but please take it for what it's worth to you.

I know something of your uphill battle. I lived with a wife who cast herself into a bed through drug abuse. Her underlying issue was CSA. She lived in complete denial of the truth, and staunchly claimed, until she died (of drug overdose) that she was "healed" and had no effects. Nothing could have been more absurd to any reasonable person who observed her habits and behavior. However, my wife found "friends" who were "on her side", including a name-it-and-claim-it church who gave her "counseling" and declared her "healed". They were, unfortunately, as delusional as my wife was.

I was one who tried to live by my wedding vows. But, I came to understand that getting her the treatment she needed was the major level where my vows applied. I failed. But, after 18 years of it, I have no regrets about what I did, I recognize that I could not have prevented her premature death. Neither could the doctors, nurses, attendants, mental health professionals who treated her.


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