# Husband always threatens divorce because it's what "i" want



## flower (Dec 17, 2009)

This is my first post here, so thanks in advance for any comments!

A quick background....we have been married for three years, both of us have been married before, both of us were in long term prior marriages. We also have adult children, and I have one child I share custody with my ex, and he's almost 18. Step kids are not an issue.

My ex is a recovered alcoholic (almost 17 years sober), and I never abused alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, etc. The issue that always comes up is that my husband just thinks without a doubt that if we disagree on something, then the marriage is headed for divorce! He grew up in a very abusive family where verbal and physical abuse by his parents was common (both abused each other). I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive situation. My husband's parents are both deceased, and I have chosen to separate myself from my parents (both are still alive). 

I feel it is very important to be able to discuss issues in a mature, respectful way because my ex and I could not do it. My ex lied about alot of things, and eventually you cannot have a marriage based on lies and mistrust. I finally left him because of it. We now at least have some communication where our youngest son is concerned, which is good.

My husband would discuss things with me BEFORE we were married, now he thinks ANY discussion about an issue means it's an automatic fight. We did go to marriage counseling last year which I thought helped, now he REFUSES to go saying he won't make a fool of himself again. Huh??

It doesn't matter what the issue is.....money, family, etc. Things need to be discussed at times, but if I bring anything up, he blows up and leaves the room. I tell him I will have to handle things on my own since he refuses to discuss the situation and help with important decisions. He then YELLS at me, saying these things:

WHO THE F**** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TELLING ME WHAT TO THINK AND DO?

WELL, I'LL HANDLE THE SITUATION IN ANOTHER WAY....

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP BECAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS ANGRY. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU

OK...I GUESS I'M JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER BAD GUYS FROM YOUR LIFE WHO MISTREATED YOU

I'M PACKING UP AND LEAVING AND GETTING A DIVORCE BECAUSE IT'S WHAT YOU WANT (I have never brought up a divorce)

MY EX AND I DIDN'T FIGHT FOR FIVE YEARS, NOT EVEN AN ARGUMENT, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ARGUE??

I CAN DIVORCE YOU TOMORROW AND IT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME A BIT. ONE THING ABOUT BEING DIVORCED BEFORE, IT'S EASY TO DO AND I WILL HAVE A LIFE AND WON'T COMMIT SUICIDE OVER YOU.

IF ANOTHER MAN SHOWS ANY INTEREST IN YOU, IT'S BECAUSE HE ONLY WANTS ONE THING BECAUSE THAT'S HOW ALL MEN ARE (EXCEPT FOR HIM, OF COURSE)

You get the picture. This barrage can be brought on by something as little as asking him if he read a certain piece of financial mail that came that day, and what did he think about it!!! If I give my opinion on it, then he accuses me of thinking he's stupid.

He gets EXTREMELY defensive. He twists words around. He always turns things on me.

I have tried for a long time to stay calm, but lately, I have really starting sticking up for myself,and I'm getting really angry. I have told him to STOP yelling cuss words at me, and to treat me with respect. He always throws the ex stuff in my face about how they never fought. I told him that his relationship ended in divorce! The reason they never fought was because his ex gave up trying to communicate with him because of his behavior, and instead planned her escape. I told him that when I have stopped trying to communicate is when he will know I'm DONE.

He knows hands down that if he EVER talks to me that way in front of my kids, I am done. Period. Funny....he has been able to hold off until we are alone.

I give him plenty of space...in fact....so much that he and his buddy leave for several months to another state to play on sports teams (retired guys). Not many women would do that. I go sometimes, but can't always. He did this before we were married, and that's fine, EXCEPT if he uses it to escape from reality. 

Then, the problem comes up is that I have a life when he's away, and he gets really worried about other men being interested in me. Alot of men (and women) have asked me how could he leave for so long, they wouldn't want to leave their spouses like that, it would be too long of a break. I have never cheated on him, never cheated in my first marriage. He did cheat on his ex wife a couple of times, although I do not believe that is an issue with him now where we are concerned. 

Today was the worst day. I got very angry and lost my temper telling him that if can't stop thinking I'm going to divorce him, even though I have never said it him, then he should just leave and do it. I told him that I probably do need professional help to find out why I pick men who abuse me emotionally, who don't think twice about hurting my feelings, and treating me like crap. And yes, my dad and my ex was like that, so when he does it, it's just another man doing the same thing, yes he's certainly right that he's just like all the other bad guys in my life.

And yes, I am angry that I cannot ever have a normal conversation anymore in my marriage without being verbally and emotionally torn apart.

I MUST keep myself together because I have son with a serious, chronic illness that needs monitoring. I have dealt with illnesses in ALL my children, two that are serious. I actually have alot of stamina where my kids are concerned. The financial end is handled by my ex and myself, and not my husband. My ex has alot of money, so that that is not an issue for my son's treatment.

I have been very depressed and beating myself up over this which I know I shouldn't do!! 

Here is what I think is going on with him.....he is very insecure because deep down, he thinks I'm leaving him because his ex did. It's always inevitable for him, so he is almost ensuring it will happen. He knows I left my ex and never looked back. He worries that I will be interested in someone else when he's gone, although I have never given him any reason to think that. He bases that on comments that were said about why he leaves me so long. Yes, men have said they wouldn't leave me for so long to pursue their hobbies if they were my husband...they have told my husband that.

My husband really does scare me, and I will say this....my ex didn't treat me HALF as bad as this guy has been doing.

I will be glad when he leaves for his trip so I can at least live in some peace and quiet, spend time with my friends, work on my own things, and start looking for a new career. I am currently self employed, and need a change.

If I don't do this, I won't make it.

Thank you for listening!!!

Flower


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He truly sounds horrible. Is it a financial situation preventing you from leaving?



flower said:


> This is my first post here, so thanks in advance for any comments!
> 
> A quick background....we have been married for three years, both of us have been married before, both of us were in long term prior marriages. We also have adult children, and I have one child I share custody with my ex, and he's almost 18. Step kids are not an issue.
> 
> ...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

flower said:


> > He grew up in a very abusive family where verbal and physical abuse by his parents was common (both abused each other).
> 
> 
> Good, so we established he definately has issues, probably some intense fear of abandonment, fear of conflict (so he'll do anything to avoid it). Avoiding conflict is done by either being agressive to shut your mate up...or being defensive and trying not to hear or pay attention. If he seems to act like a bratty kid when you have an arguement with him it's because without wanting to he acts in conflict the only way he knows how (like he did when he was a kid).
> ...


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## flower (Dec 17, 2009)

Thanks for all the great comments!! I do not need to stay financially as I have always had my own money, savings, accounts, etc, and can get what I need that will keep me going for quite awhile. We do, however, have our home equity together that is quite a bit, and we both put equal amounts in purchasing the home. That money came from what we had before marriage, so the house could be sold and proceeds split 50/50. I don't have very young children to deal with as my youngest is almost 18.

Nekko, you bring up many good points. I think it's really great that you realized how you came across in arguments. I give you lots of credit!!!

I agree with you on trying to "train a dog." Sounds a bit weird, but I have had dogs for years, and cats! If you ever had cats, you know how hard they can be train, LOL. Put my husband in the cat category. I'm glad you brought this up because I have tried being affectionate with him, and yet he can turn it around on a dime. This is what shocks me alot.....that he and I both can be very loving and physical, we always had a huge attraction to each other that way, OMG...people tell us all the time how they like being around us because of the vibes we have....people would be shocked to hear about this!! BUT, it doesn't seem to matter how much I kissed or hugged him two minutes earlier. That is the whole thing....it doesn't have to be much to get him mad. Most people would never react they way he does given the same situation.

Example....I told him how sexy he was while we were driving to somewhere on the highway. Nothing was going on, no arguing, discussion, etc. No response. I didn't think he heard me. So, I told him that again (it's hard to say someone is sexy if you are mad at them and arguing). When someone says that, feelings are good, right? Not for him. Instead of thinking it's a compliment (which it was), he just said thanks, but don't interrupt my driving again. There's a car riding my tail. No smile, no warmth, just meanness. So, I'm supposed to walk on eggshells and know these things. I did not react at all, didn't say one word. But, I was very mad and felt like someone stabbed me in the back. Instead, when we arrived at our destination, I didn't spend alot of time with him, I mingled with other friends, and had a good time with people I didn't have to concern myself with every little thing I said. 

Another car example. I am driving, and waiting to make a left hand turn onto a busy street. I use my good judgment when I drive. He tells me to make the turn. I do not because the car approaching is way too close (I've been driving for many, many years with no accidents). Or, I make a turn and I get an impatient eye rolling because I didn't do it the way he would. 

I ask him why he's upset. It's about my driving. I tell him that when I am driving, he needs to trust me and not constantly get on me. I do not criticize his driving. I have never had anyone ever have issues with my driving!! He's just very impatient. He then blows up at screams at me as to why I always have start an argument. 

The bottom line is this.....it's ok for him to say or do whatever he wants when he wants, but it's NOT ok for me (or anyone else) to ever defend themselves, or to do the same to him.

He's a big teaser to his friends. But, let one of the friends tease him, and it's a different story.

And yes, it's no different than having a two year old child who hasn't learned proper boundaries, impulse control, etc.

Sometimes, a person can try all these things...being nice, affectionate and all that, but if the other person is unpredictable even when you are being that way, there's not whole lot else to try. It wouldn't matter who it was, his ex, me, the next woman. It would all be the same thing again. I have spoken to his ex, and his ex girlfriend, and they have the same story as me. 

One thing I did try last night was I printed off articles off a really good marriage website. These articles were about stonewalling in relationships, how it's healthy to "fight," impending situations in your relationship that signal a divorce soon, why you don't have to divorce just because of you have issues, and how most divorces end because of lack of marriage counseling that may have really helped solve issues. I left them on his pillow.

This morning, I found him sitting on the couch reading them intently.

I asked him if it made him look at things differently, and he said yes, he had not thought of things that way. One of the articles talked about a fear of being left alone, and how that person may act (like he does).

We did come to an agreement that neither one of us likes to be treated with disrespect, but you have to give it to get it. I asked him if he would want my children or his to see him blowing up and screaming cuss words at me, and likewise, I wouldn't want them to see either one of us acting like that. 

It really does sound like my husband is horrible. This what I would tell my kids when they acted up.....YOU are not bad, YOU are not horrible, but YOUR BEHAVIOR IS. Same goes for my husband. I've had to say the same thing to him....just like a kid. He's not a horrible person, his behavior is. 

There are good qualities about him, and those I have to focus on. I do agree with you on this...he is afraid of conflict and of me leaving him. He's had guys tell him they think he's lucky to have an attractive younger wife, and he LOVES that. He thinks these same guy friends will laugh at him to his face or behind his back that he couldn't keep yet another woman. I have always told him I wanted to be with him, and not other guys or I wouldn't have gotten married again. 

So, I will try and take more of your advice and approach him more like a child or my dog, LOL. My dog never complains, LOL!!

flower


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

flower said:


> > I agree with you on trying to "train a dog." Sounds a bit weird, but I have had dogs for years, and cats! If you ever had cats, you know how hard they can be train, LOL.
> 
> 
> Yup, my husband sounds pretty much the same. We do have 2 cats and we've both always been cat people (as far as treating our cats as our kids which we're doing now). And yes, my husband is 'cat-like' as behaviour. Affection is on his terms (if he feels like it ok, if not no way) and you earn his good behaviour by respect, love and most of all taking care of him. Lately, both my husband and my cats have been exceptionally affectionate though . Our evenings our our favourite time of the day because they involve all four of us (us + cats) cuddling up in bed and falling asleep.
> ...


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