# Struggling with thoughts of revenge



## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Hello, a few months ago I posted my story here. In short, my partner of seven years had been having an affair and whenever I challenged him on my suspicions, he was very verbally and emotionally abuse. I threw him out when I discovered a hotel bill but he still denied it and was desperate to come home. When I finally discovered the truth, he instantly became cold and although initially wracked with guilt, now claims to be so consumed with anger towards me for throwing him out that he is unable to feel any connection to me. I also have the blame shifting of course, It was my behaviour that drove him to have the affair. He claims to have stopped contact with the OW but I doubt that is true.

I was and still am devastated, despite knowing deep down that this man is not worth all the hurt I feel and I admit to feeling incredibly sad at a lost future. But as time goes on, I am more and more plagued with thoughts of revenge. It isn't healthy I know and will not help in the long term but has anyone else felt like this? I feel I have become such a doormat and he is arrogant enough to assume I wouldn't do anything and that he can just continue to treat me as he does.

He is an MD and OW is a very junior colleague twenty years younger than him. If his work knew about the affair, he would be fired for inappropriate behaviour and his career would be over! Why should he be happy with her and why should she suddenly become the MD's partner.

Please do not think ill of me for having these revenge thoughts, just struggling with it all and I know it paints me in a bad light.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The revenge thoughts are normal. But you need to fight them.

What kind of revenge goes through your mind.

Is the OW single?

Why are you staying with him if he's not ended the affair and not doing what needs to be done to save your marriage?

What are you doing to get evidence that the affair is ongoing?

Have you exposed the affair to anyone... like his family?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You mean he's mad at you for sticking up for yourself? Wow.

Do you have concrete proof of the affair and have you saved it?

Are you financially dependent on him? What's stopping you from reporting them for misconduct?

Have you cut contact as much as possible with him?


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

ele and spoons, thank you for your replies....
The revenge for me is to report them at work for the affair, it would get him fired certainly and as his job is high profile, any reporting in the press would cut his career dead. He did not think how this would put his job at risk or his family ..... Part of me would like him to see the price he has paid for her as losing his family didn't seem to hit hard at all. 

He hasn't made much of an effort to reconcile since I discovered the truth, just anger and distance towards me. I think that's what hurts too, there has been no fighting to get me back. 

Yes the OW is single, she is 32 and he is 52.

My family know about the affair but his family have been kept out of it largely as his mother died recently. He is not close to them in any way. 

Yes I have concrete evidence of the affair and have saved it - a hotel bill paid on his corporate credit card! I have been promised several times since DD that there is no contact but they have continued to meet. I found her dressing gown hanging up in his new flat two weeks ago .... I have threatened to reveal this at work but he still carries on! 

I am not financially dependent on him and I guess what has stopped me has been my own moral compass plus an unhealthy dose of knowing it would totally end all hope for reconciliation. Ironically, that is also a reason for exposure, it would set me off once and for all down the path of no looking back.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Go nuclear on his ass!!!


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Truthfully, what would you be reconciling with? You cannot do that by yourself. And it honestly looks like he's already checked out and is already tuned in to the next thing that will have him. He is not reconciliation material with his current attitude. And he's using your reactions to justify his behavior.

Expose this affair wide open. Don't keep yourself in his abuse.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Not sure why you'd even consider reconciliation with such a pompous, lying, manipulative ass-wipe, but to each their own, I guess.

My kind of revenge would include finding a very hungry vampire lawyer with huge fangs who'll make sure to bleed this douche bag dry in every single possible way. He'd be lucky if he had enough left to rent himself a basement room in someone else's house when I was done with him.

Once his bloodless corpse has been spit out and there's nothing left to *take* from him, it would be at THAT point I'd report he and his bimbo to their employer and to the public and to anyone else that matters.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If they're still working together, the affair is still on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I don't know what is it about Doctors and God Complex, i saw it in my father, and his friends with their arrogance when any questioned them...Abbie, if you are in deed not dependent on his income should he lose his job then i would propagate the information you have via HR and see where the cards lay...there is no guarantee that in doing so they will get fired or reprimanded but none the less it will take his arrogance down a notch...he will now understand very clearly that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. But before you do that sit him down and tell him he has one chance to come clean...do not mention anything else...just say "I asking you for the last time ...." if he denies it again..walk away no word, no reaction...then let loose. This way he can never come back and tell you why did you not give him a chance to explain...you did one last time.... I wish you luck.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you married to your partner?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Abbie,

From what I've seen of many health care environments the cheating is rampant and your H may feel like it is a normal part of work life. This may be why he became so callous towards you as he thinks you should just get over it like everyone else.

OM2 and OM3 were both doctors in my Ws case and the sense of entitlement from them was revolting.

Tamat


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Abbie,

If you are married, then have the exposure come from an anonymous source, AFTER you have divorced. Don't set yourself up to have to pay him the rest of your life. Destroy him after you are free and clear of him. I understand your reasons and wanting to go nuclear, I would too and personally like that advice was given to you. However, I would talk to an attorney first, protect yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

get revenge by divorcing. don't report him as he will have to have a nice income to pay alimony.

you could use reporting him as leverage in getting the best settlement possible. of course talk to an attorney first before any idle threats.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

nobody drives one to an affair, no matter what they do.
i'm not saying that you were abusive to him, or whatever, but even if you were, that's not an excuse for an affair.
he knows that too, he just won't admit it to himself or you.

in the case of severe abuse (and again, i'm not accusing you, only trying to expose his gross, selfish immorality), the abused spouse has the option of leaving.

it chaps my ass when people come up with lame excuses and blame shift.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I don't know what is it about Doctors and God Complex, i saw it in my father, and his friends with their arrogance when any questioned them...Abbie, if you are in deed not dependent on his income should he lose his job then i would propagate the information you have via HR and see where the cards lay...there is no guarantee that in doing so they will get fired or reprimanded but none the less it will take his arrogance down a notch...he will now understand very clearly that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. But before you do that sit him down and tell him he has one chance to come clean...do not mention anything else...just say "I asking you for the last time ...." if he denies it again..walk away no word, no reaction...then let loose. This way he can never come back and tell you why did you not give him a chance to explain...you did one last time.... I wish you luck.


This.


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