# It's so hard on me..



## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Before I begin English is my second language so this may be hard to read. I’m sorry! This is long! But in the next several days I want to share my story … and hope to learn from many others on this board.

We had been married for 24 years and had 2 adult children 23 and 21. I’m not a perfect husband. I had made many mistakes and bad behavior during our married including at one time, I viewed porn online when I was first discovered on the internet. I downloaded mostly of the Asian models and share them with friends and I lied to her that I wanted to learn to be a Glamour Photographer and I was just learning the art of lighting setup. My wife was very upset and I stopped the bad habit 10year ago. I also had alcohol problem and there were many occasions I was out of control and verbally abuse my wife. … it is very hard for me because what happen to our relationship is my fault and which had driven my wife to this mess.

Fast forward....
09/2007 - My wife beauty salon was not making enough money. I asked my wife if she want the helpdesk support position with my company under the different contract at the different government agency. Because of going from the hair dresser to the IT helpdesk, although my wife is very smart and quick learner but she was having difficult time to fit in with her new position. But shortly after she had a new boss and he stressed out beyond his duty to help her in dealing with daily support customers like writing email for her to response to customer and dealing with difficult co-worker around her. She came home and told me how great this guy was. And then one day I saw the text message from him came in on my wife cell phone while she was out sick “I miss you, OXOX” . I told my wife this was inappropriate as it was coming from your boss and you both can get into trouble with the company for the sexual harassment. Tell him to stop such language.

3/2008 – The contract my wife work was in trouble because of unsatisfied customers. In the meantime, there was a rumor about the relationship between my wife and her boss. She told me that there were so many co-workers jealous and they sped out the rumor to destroy my wife because her boss attempted to promote my wife to the helpdesk manager position. I told my wife to be careful with this, and of you both can get fire. I trust my wife because she told me all this and I told her to stay away from him and do anything that would help to eliminate the rumor.

9/2008 – labor Day weekend we went to Toronto to visit our long lost friend (30 years plus). While we were waiting at the border check point, her boss called they were talking about they had fired a few employee to restructure the contract. However, during the conversation I heard they called each other “honey” . I asked my wife could she tell me what type of relationship between you and your boss. Why are you calling each other “honey”. And she told me: ”there is nothing between him and I. You were just become unsecure because of the entire rumor I had told you. I always called my hair clients honey.” But I told her that in the office environment is different. If you called each other honey and especially he was your boss you could get into trouble. During this time she got a Blackberry from her job and she hided it from me. I trusted my wife and I had never touched it.

3/2009 – The rumor get to the company personnel and they both wrote the letter to HR dept. explain the situation. My wife writing was not good so he drafted one for her to send it to the HR. 

10/2009 – I saw her was so stressed with her work. I took her to Cancun to get away for a few days. But I could felt that she wasn’t there with me… But I thought that may be the stress she got from work lately. I felt the distant between us but I just kept quiet and hope to help my wife out because I thought she was so stress out with her job. 

11/2009 – He got fired from the company due to the in appropriate relationship with my wife (favor employee etc..) My wife got lay off from the contract shortly after that. I saw my wife was very disappointed but I told her not to worry. You can find another job or just stay home doing some home business. At the same time, I felt a little bit better because now that they didn’t work together anymore.

3/2010 – My wife started an online business selling cosmetic products. I felt great that she was doing the business that she like and she could manage it from home since she was now unemployed. I didn’t know that my wife website was created and design by her former boss until 2 months ago. During this time, they went out together for lunch and meetings. He also got his daughters to meet my wife and my wife gave them haircut and cosmetic product. But at the time I trusted my wife, I didn’t think it was harmful because she probably promoted her business. Again, I only find out about bringing his daughters to my wife a few months ago.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in big time denial. He got fired from his job because of her and they still go out for lunches and meetings. He was willing to get fired from his job and have your wife meet his daughters and you still believe nothing is going on? There is nobody as blind as one who refuses to see.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dude! Sorry, to hear the story of end of you marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

3/2010 – My youngest daughter joint the Army, my wife was having difficult time to deal with her was not being home. I was so stressful with my 2 jobs and on the weekend, I went out to play golf while my wife working part time at hair dresser at home. This was also one of the mistake that I made because I didn’t realized that my wife was so depressed of being unemployed and I was not spend enough time to support her. No, it was not a financial issue because of my 2 jobs is more than enough to support the family. She had full access to my account and I told her to keep her part time job money and the unemployment check for her to spend although she spent a lot of her money for our daughter too. 
During this time, the distant was getting greater and everything I did or have been doing is wrong to her view. Our conversation was very easy to become a big argument. Also I was an ignorant during this time. I thought my wife had no contact with her former boss and I have never asked her about it.
Next the biggest mistake I did ---


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

So, what do you want to do? If you want to stop the A, you have to start snooping. I sense that you don't quite want D yet.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> So, what do you want to do? If you want to stop the A, you have to start snooping. I sense that you don't quite want D yet.


I still hope to keep my family together … but this is a long story and I don’t know if I can do anything.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

bryanp said:


> You are in big time denial. He got fired from his job because of her and they still go out for lunches and meetings. He was willing to get fired from his job and have your wife meet his daughters and you still believe nothing is going on? There is nobody as blind as one who refuses to see.


Yes I was in denial as I loved and trusted my wife that I didn't even pay any attention to her behavoir.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You can demand poly and see how she responds.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> You can demand poly and see how she responds.


My story so far was happen last year.. At the time, I didn't even think that my wife would be an affair. I want to detail the event as much as I can so that I can review my mistake.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In order to move on, you have to know what exactly happened. I am sure your W will refuse to tell you the truth, and you will be stuck just scratching your head.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allow me to be blunt. 

Your wife has been having an affair with her boss (now ex-boss) for several years.

While you are satisfying your need for more proof so that your head can convince your heart, you should start protecting your finance/money/assets from your wife now. Hide them from her. Get ready to move on.

She has been carrying this affair on for so long that it is now deeply part of her. She knows you have been letting her have her affair, and now, she will not be able to stop. Beside, why would you want to live with a liar for the rest of your life?

She is old; she knows what she's doing.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> In order to move on, you have to know what exactly happened. I am sure your W will refuse to tell you the truth, and you will be stuck just scratching your head.


I know what happen but my wife is not seeing it is a problem. The mistakes I made that all in her mind… She now told me that she had to lie to herself being happy with me because she wanted to keep the family together all this years. I made mistakes and I’m responsible for 50% of what my relationship has become a disaster.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

aug said:


> Allow me to be blunt.
> 
> Your wife has been having an affair with her boss (now ex-boss) for several years.
> 
> ...


You are right, if I paid attention and not trusted her so much to let she has her affair .. 

I only discovered all the evident a few months ago! but she denied them all.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

ThinhMan said:


> *I know what happen *but my wife is not seeing it is a problem. The mistakes I made that all in her mind… She now told me that she had to lie to herself being happy with me because she wanted to keep the family together all this years. I made mistakes and I’m responsible for 50% of what my relationship has become a disaster.


Are you sure?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your mistake is for trusting your wife to not bring a lying cheat. 

She many years ago decided to be a cheater it cost her well paying job and it cause the jerk she was with his job 

Still they lied and cheated behind your back. 

You should check your kids DNA they may not be yours b

Her depression will turn out entirely to be the product of her affair. Nothing to fo with you b
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

11/2010 - We has a 17 years old dog and it had been sick for 2 years. The dog was unable to control her pee and poop for 2 years… she was not even able to wear diaper. Every morning before I went to work I saw my dog cover in her own poop all over her body. I told my wife many times that we need to put it down but my wife said we need to wait for our daughter to come home during Christmas break she had from the Army. But for me I couldn’t stand to see the dog suffering another day. One weekend, my wife was out with her friend to the movie. I decided to call my daughter in the Army and ask her if I should put the dog down myself and the reason is it was so sick and I don’t want to wait until Christmas when you come home and it may ruin your vacation. My daughter agreed and I drunk a few beer down to give me strange to shoot it myself … but my wife came home early and my plan was carry on as she witness it. My wife call the police and they locked me up for un-safe using a gun … I end up to pay $4000 for the lawyer to clear my case. I resend doing this for the rest of my life. In the meantime, my wife ran out to the hotel and stay there 4 – days … Again, I didn’t find out that my wife was with her ex-boss during that time until last few months. This may have caused more trauma to my wife depression…

Also during this period, I hooked up my wife with a Helpdesk job at the contract with different government agency. We worked in the same building and we commuted together had lunch together and thing seemed to be normal.

12/2010 – The trouble and the drama begin when I discovered her ex-boss handicap parking permit in my wife purse. I asked her when and how she got the parking permit. She told me that she had never met him but he mailed it to her because she needed for her new job. I was so mad because she refused to make love and didn’t want me to touch her and I sensed something is very wrong. I left the house on Christmas Eve morning I left a note for my daughters but a few hours later I came back. I told them I was sorry, I should have created the drama during Christmas Eve. However, I don’t want any contact with this man as he is destroying this family. My older daughter didn’t believe that my wife is having an affair. 

My wife continued rejecting any intimacy from me and she complained about the hot flash and her libido was gone. I began to search on the internet and I found out that my wife was in a perimenopause. I went out and brought a few book to help her understand her condition but she refused to read any of them. During the time from 12/2010 to 05/2011 my house was like hell on earth. She forward to OM any email I sent to my wife even my prayer that I cc my wife she forward it to him and laugh at it “god good be confused with all of my prayer”…


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ditch the b1tch
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

02/2011 – I was accidentally saw and email from the OM to my wife personal email that was thank you for lunch and a great time love you very much. I confronted my wife and she said that was a mistake he sent it to her name. I asked her to reply back to him and tell him to stop emailing you. She did and she showed me his response that he was sorry.

03/2011 – I asked my wife if she had any contact with the OM – she denied and told me that she didn’t even know where he work anymore - I told her that she forgot I’m a system engineer and was able to intercept any email to and from the agency as part of my job. 

She later confessed that yes she was in the hotel with him after I shot the dog. She told me that she just needed a friend comforting her from the trauma I had cause. There wasn’t anything happen… We are just friend.

04/2011 - My daughter birthday and we were going out to celebrate at the restaurant.. On the way home, my wife was in the passenger seat and texting and I saw OM name and she texted “goodnight sweetheart” to OM. Again, in the morning I confronted my wife and she said “I called many of my hair clients and friends sweetheart you’re insecure and it is driving me further and further from you”.

05/2011 – I began to hack to my wife cell phone and found out – there are a lot of love text messages exchange between my W and OM. I confronted her and she wanted a divorce. And I told her if that is what you want and if it makes you happy then we should sit down and make plan and get a divorce. But I told her before we make any life changing decision I would suggest to get some professional counseling. As the beginning she said “no you can go for yourself I don’t need it”. But yet she set up an appointment for herself a week after that. I then set up an appointment with the same counselor and after about 3 sessions the counselor advice to have a session together. 

During the counseling sessions, she blamed everything my fault that I have destroying her life. I told the counselor and admitted that I had made a lot of mistake and that why I’m here in hope to find a solution to repair my married. I also mentioned to the counselor about the text message and I think my wife is having and EA. My wife denied it was and EA we are just friend and I was a selfish husband that don’t even let my wife have friend.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Oh I forgot to mention!

04/2010 – my wife began to pick up the book I brought for her “Ageless by Suzanne Somers” . I was so happy on that Sunday that I smacked my brand new Lexus LS460 to a basketball poll in the church parking lot but I didn’t care.. I was so happy that I didn’t even look at the damage. I rushed in the church to be next to my wife because I hope if she read the book she will get the hormone replacement therapy and it may change her condition. And I hope she would snap out of the “fog” if some chemistry changes.

She went and have her hormone checked and she is now on BHRT and her condition is somewhat normal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lots of drama. Just kick the cheat out. Why keep someone around who has neither love nor respect for you?

Also you are pretty clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

06/2011 - Every time I bring up about the text and email between my wife and OM. My wife get very angry and it becomes a big argument and drama for weeks. I was so fed up that I didn’t even want to mention it anymore. By now the Dr. put me on antidepressant.

08/2011 – I printed out the text message and wrote a letter to the OM wife. The OM and my wife got very angry threaten me with all kind of sue because I hack to her cell phone and invaded her privacy. But finally he said “it is not the love you think it is… your wife is a sweet lady and we are just close friends” My wife angry at me because I have just destroyed the OM family because of my insecure and joyously. 

10/2011 – I found this site and brought a VAR … put in my wife car and the very first day! I recorded the two of them making out in the car. I called my daughter to have an emergency meeting and I told them that I will file for divorce. My wife is still denied… “I don’t have to explain to anyone and I can’t change what in your mind what you are thinking” I told her I have a recorder and she didn’t talk to me ever since.

We have been sleeping in separate room since March but my wife now put a lock on her room and hide all of her car key…

Not the whole picture that I wrote her today… but I will added as I recall or if ask..
Thank you for the rant and I’ll have a lot of question regarding divorce.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

I handed her the divorce paper last week and hope she will work with me..


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Oh one of the very important thing - Last July I donated blood and was reject because they found that I have HBV positive in my blood. And this is the hardest part on me...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dud you give the omw the recording?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Dud you give the omw the recording?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I did... the funny thing is she also blame me for destroying her life because I told her that I now filed for divorce and the ball is in her court.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Depending on where you live you might be able to sure him for alienation of affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

I live in VA and my lawyer told me that even if my wife is committing adultery I still have to pay alimony?


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

I should google first but what is alienation of affection?


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

I file for mediatation and agree to give her 50% of what I have including retirement plan and 401K...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She had a job that she lost because of the affair. Sounds like that should be brought up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Your W still denies having A, and she is not remorseful and OK with D. At this point, I don't see any other option other than proceeding with D. If there is any further evidence of inappropriate interaction between the two, send them over to OMW. You have nothing to lose. 

Consult with the lawyer for all the legal aspect including "Alienation of Affection" option if applicable. Sorry to say your W is a truly despicable human being, and you should do better without this person in your life.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Also, share all the nitty gritty details of evidence you have with your family and relatives. Expose it to everyone so that they know you are not at fault in this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have your lawyer contact the company that fired him, they may have details about the affair. Folks Don't just get fired for looking like they are unfair, it is likely the H
R department had hard proof.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Your W still denies having A, and she is not remorseful and OK with D. At this point, I don't see any other option other than proceeding with D. If there is any further evidence of inappropriate interaction between the two, send them over to OMW. You have nothing to lose.
> 
> Consult with the lawyer for all the legal aspect including "Alienation of Affection" option if applicable. Sorry to say your W is a truly despicable human being, and you should do better without this person in your life.


You are right at this point I don't see any hope. Althought she is living in the same house now but because I pay for everything and I feel cheated ... 

I have a feeling and according to the conversaion I recorded the OM is trying to push my wife to ask for a huge Alimony so they can live in my luxury home.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Make sure you have a good lawyer, they are not all the same. I was close to filing and learned a lot. Your lawyer better be aggressive if you want a positive outcome. I would not offer anything. During the process keep you emotions out of it, this is a chess game and you have to plan 5 steps ahead. If not, you will lose a lot. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Should I hire a private investigator to gather more evidents?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For what it's worth, alimony is taxable income for the recipient and is a tax deduction for the payer. So even if the alimony payment is sizable, she's going to have to pay Uncle Sam a good chunk of it, if she doesn't Uncle Sam will pimp slap her - no badder pimp exists.

As far as the Adultery not being a factor, you may want to consider finding yourself another attorney. According to Virginia law section *20-107.1. Court may decree as to maintenance and support of spouses. 
*



> E. *The court, in determining whether to award support and maintenance for a spouse, shall consider the circumstances and factors which contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, specifically including adultery* and any other ground for divorce under the provisions of subdivision (3) or (6) of § 20-91 or § 20-95. In determining the nature, amount and duration of an award pursuant to this section, the court shall consider the following:


If you are interested, read *VA's New Alimony Statute Creates a Trap for the Unwary*

So while you may not be able to escape paying her alimony, you can certainly mitigate its economic impact on you post-divorce.

And yes you should hire a private investigator to strengthen your case of your wife's adultery.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

morituri said:


> As far as the Adultery not being a factor, you may want to consider finding yourself another attorney. According to Virginia law section *20-107.1. Court may decree as to maintenance and support of spouses.
> *


Thank you for the info... I discussed with my lawyer about the adultery but he said that would depend on the court. if her lawyer can prove that I was a bad person during our married with lead her to the adultery then I still have to pay alimony.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

My wife had filed the Retainer with her laywer, what is that mean for me?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I got this on-line on the state of Virginia's divorce requirements:

There probably is no such thing as a pleasant adultery case; because names, dates, places, paramours, and the like have to be brought out in the open. If your spouse no longer cares about what you know and is open about the affair, you're lucky. You can then catch your spouse flagrante delicto, which means you have your spouse in the flagrant wrong and may not have to worry about hiring detectives. However, you may still need a detective to prove your case in court. There is still a need for a corroborative witness, such as a mutual friend or neighbor, who has no stake in the matter except telling the court what he (she) witnessed. 

Most adultery cases are proven by circumstantial evidence, which means that you have to establish that your spouse had the disposition and opportunity to commit adultery.

Public displays of affection, such as hand-holding, kissing, and hugging, between the guilty spouse and the paramour are generally sufficient evidence to indicate an adulterous disposition. Opportunity may be proven by showing that your spouse was seen entering the paramour's apartment at 11 P.M. and not coming out until 8 A.M. the following morning and that they were alone. If you can only prove disposition but not opportunity, the courts may not allow your divorce because the court may reason that it is just mere speculation. The same is true if you only show that there was opportunity, but cannot prove disposition. When you think about it, this seems to make sense.


So, it would probably be in your best interest to hire a PI to track her. Stay the course! Right now, you need to look out for yourself!


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Thank you Crossbar! That’s what my lawyer told me... I don't really want to pursuit the adultery and I don't want to pay huge amount of money for alimony either. Worst case I will temporary quit my second jobs.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't know..I mean a PI would cost a lot of money up front, but whatever he or she finds that can keep your alimony costs down in the long run; I would think it would be money well spent.

On the flip side, her lawyer has to PROVE beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a bad man. Have you beat her? Assaulted her in any way shape or form? Have you been arrested for domestic violence..or any domestic disturbance? Would they have police reports? If the answer is no then all they have is hear-say. Speculation. If you produce video or photographic evidence of she kissing or cuddling up to or having sex with OM, they can't dispute that!

I think your lawyer just wants an easy divorce without rocking the boat and collecting a cool couple of grand from you with the least amount of work that needs to be done.. I think you need to find a bulldog lawyer! One that will go after this! Remember, you're paying them. They work for you. If you want to file because of adultry and you have proof, then they should do it.


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## th1foru (Oct 18, 2011)

Thinhman-
Not sure a PI would do much good at this point so far down range from the problems. I would suggest you sit in court (your assigned department and judge) and watch for as long as you have some days before your hearing. You will get an idea of what that judge feels and what lawyers, strategies are effective there. 

You are in for some painful times, but loneliness is not one to consider, because basically you have been alone for some time. She will likely try to use the dog incident to say you threatened her (dogs are put down at the vet in America, by the way) to negate any adultery charge. Try to understand right now you are in a business negotiation, nothing else. 

Forgiveness is not an option and what happened in the past is no excuse to cheat. You need to get in the mentality of your wife is not your wife, just another criminal or scammer trying to steal from you and do your best to cut the loss. Your story is long, but the details really matter not. You have to get tough because no good will come from it if you don't. I am guessing you are Viet, and unfortunately in CA we see a lot of these issues out here in counseling. 

Good luck


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

Th1foru, Thank you for a good advice. The only reason I think I need PI is because I need professional evident to present in court when need it.


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## th1foru (Oct 18, 2011)

Thinhman-
my point on the detective being that you are now effectively separated. Any activity now she is caught in would be moot. Check with your attorney and only if he suggests it spend the cash. If your state is a no fault state it would be best to negotiate as good a settlement you can from her before expenses get high unless you have assets to protect. You did hide/move your money before filing, yes?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

th1foru said:


> Thinhman-
> my point on the detective being that you are now effectively separated. Any activity now she is caught in would be moot. Check with your attorney and only if he suggests it spend the cash. If your state is a no fault state it would be best to negotiate as good a settlement you can from her before expenses get high unless you have assets to protect. You did hide/move your money before filing, yes?


He lives in an "at fault" state and even if they are seperated it doesn't make it a moot point. They're still married. So, if a PI can find evidence of her cheating, it will help him out a lot in court. It may reduce the amount of alimony he has to pay. He may retain posession of the home because the wife left the marriage and the marital home to persue other love interests...lots of things come into play.


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## th1foru (Oct 18, 2011)

Once again my recommendation is to consult his attorney before a PI. A judge may be reluctant to find adultery and abandonment after divorce is filed. 

It is about alimony and money now and his lawyer should be his best source of info.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

th1foru said:


> Thinhman-
> my point on the detective being that you are now effectively separated. Any activity now she is caught in would be moot. Check with your attorney and only if he suggests it spend the cash. If your state is a no fault state it would be best to negotiate as good a settlement you can from her before expenses get high unless you have assets to protect. You did hide/move your money before filing, yes?


No, I haven't hide anythinh. I don't have much in the bank except for the 401k retirement. I filed for mediation and agree on 50% of everything. She took the paperwork to her lawyer.. I have not seen it back as what she want but I guess she wants a large amount of alimony so she can aford the morgate..

I have no idea what is no fault or at fault mean.


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## ThinhMan (Oct 14, 2011)

th1foru said:


> Once again my recommendation is to consult his attorney before a PI. A judge may be reluctant to find adultery and abandonment after divorce is filed.
> 
> It is about alimony and money now and his lawyer should be his best source of info.


I did talk to my lawyer about the PI but he said let start with mediation and if my wife come back and ask for large alimony then we can gather the evident.

Anyway, I have already hire the PI and they are about to put a tracking device on her car. I just want to have more evident just incase I have to go to court.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

th1foru said:


> Once again my recommendation is to consult his attorney before a PI. A judge may be reluctant to find adultery and abandonment after divorce is filed.
> 
> It is about alimony and money now and his lawyer should be his best source of info.


 A judge may or may not be reculant to find for adultry, but the OP will never know what the judges ruling will be if he doesn't have evidence to submit. And it still doesn't change the fact that in the state of Virginia, adultry is still on the books as grounds for divorce in that state. It's the law and a judge cannot ignore the law. However, his evidence has to be good enough for the judge to rule for adultry. It's a gamble, but it might be a gamble worth taking in my opinion.
And you are right, it is about money especially if he intercepted a communication between her and the OM about getting as much alimony as possible so they can live in HIS luxury home. That right there, is intent. Proving her to be "at fault" for the end of the marriage would be huge for the OP.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ThinhMan said:


> I have no idea what is no fault or at fault mean.


 Some states have a no fault law in place saying that the marriage ended and no one is at fault. 

But some states have an at fault laws which means that you can prove that someone is blamed or "at fault" for the marriage ending. Some of the things are adultry, cruelty, insanity, commiting a felony against your spouse. 

If she's to blame for the ending of your marriage, the judge may rule in your favor. He or she may even order that no alimony be awarded. I've seen a case of this, but it was a very extreme case of adultry....i.e. video recordings of several different partners.


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