# Seperated, wife wants space but says she loves me



## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, together 9. In December my wife was very cold with me and said she didn't know if she wanted to be with me and wanted space to work out some personal issues. We were living with her family due to financial difficulties relating to job loss. So I moved out. We did not speak at all until she found out that I had rented a place and was angry that I didn't call her to consult her about making that decision, this is after 3 weeks of no contact. I told her we were separated without contact and I was homeless, had to do something.

We started talking a little after that, she came by my place and liked it. She had agreed to move in twice and has backed out twice stating the same I am still confused and I don't know what to do, I'm scared. This even though she tells me that she loves me, is in love with me and is scared to lose me. Every one of our friends and family that have talked to her have said that we have to be together to work things out but she is still undecided. We have now been separated for 2 months now. 

I don't believe that there is anyone else involved in this equation so I don't think her wanting to be with someone else is an issue. We use to have great communication with me being the main one to get her to open up, but she has become more and more withdrawn from everyone. Completely shutting down despite my attempts before and after the separation. I tell her the only way we have a chance to save this marriage is being together and working through any problems, communicating, going to counseling, etc. She says she has to work through her issues first, which she has not identified, and will be going to a psychologist next week.

I don't know if I should give her the space and not contact her because I feel that any chance we have at saving our marriage has to be done being together. Being apart from her is completely breaking my heart and I have become a bit obsessive because I don't want our marriage to slip though our fingers. 

I don't know what to do. I have even drawn up divorce papers in an effort to get her to react but she says she will not sign them.

Looking for some advice on what to do because my head is spinning and I don't know what the right thing to do is. I only know that I really love my wife and don't want to lose her.

Thanks for any advice.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

This may be stating the obvious but you're not going to get anywhere unless she explains her issues.

She says she still loves you, that is a good start, so what is her problem.

It's very difficult for you to make any decisions without having all the facts, the most important one being why she needed space in the first place.


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

I can only speculate what her issues are since she claims to not know herself. Parents divorce when she was young, issues with people close to her that have died, fear of leaving the nest and abandoning her family who are not doing well financially (even though I assure her that we would do everything in our power to help them), believes people are disingenuous, fear of my failing financially since we have been affected by this downturn, not being able to purchase a house, not having kids yet because we have not been financially ready (I will be 40, she is 34), my having a child who is now 14 and my obligations to him. But any mention of any of these things only causes her to get defensive or withdraw.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What was your marriage like? 
How much time did you spend together? 
How much time did you spend with your son? 
Exactly why did you decide to not have kids yet? You do realize that she is already past the time when she should have been having them, right? 
What did she do with her spare time?
How much time does she spend on facebook or other social networks?


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

When we were on our own, not living with family, we were normally happy with the occasional hiccups every relationship has, nothing dire. Even living with family we were happy, except as of late when we would talk, things would be fine for a little while, and any little thing would put her back into a mood. The only real time we were apart is when she would go to the gym and I would play racquetball. I only have my son every Saturday with no overnights. Our relationship during the week was pretty monotonous with us just watching TV. She does not spend hardly any time on any social networks, only checks her facebook every few days and her emails with the same frequency (not every day). 

Now except for going to the gym twice a week, I know she goes straight home from work. 

I have wanted to have kids even with our financial difficulties because I know I will overcome but she does not think that is the right way to bring a child into the world. But she has been dying to have one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My first guess then, assuming she's not texting up a storm with an old flame (have you checked the phone records?), is that she's disappointed with life. She's at an age where it's kind of now or never. Especially with kids. She probably feels that she made a mistake marrying you because you're nearly 40 and not even able to provide a decent home for her, let alone a place for kids.

If I were you, I would be busting my butt to improve my life - i.e., finding better job prospects through moving or training. I would be asking her about herself, to get her to open up to you. Don't waste any time on yourself in this relationship right now, because she probably doesn't feel she can depend on you. Sign up for Financial Peace University and start attending classes so she can see that you are getting your act together financially and can become dependable. No more sitting on the couch watching tv - make sure every day contains time spent bettering yourself and your situation.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, and ask her to fill them out. Tell her it's not to get her back so much as for YOU to learn where YOU went wrong with her, because you're now into making yourself a better person. No pressure. Just improvement.

BECOME the person she'd want to come back to.


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

I have done some checking and there is no third party, although there was someone trying to pursue her but he was frustrated by her not responding to him.

I have been trying to get financially stable since I opened my own firm a year ago and only now is the referral process starting to pan out and I have the prospect of a big case coming up. I am certain that money will be right soon. But you are right in that I have to get my affairs in order and get better prospects. I am working my ass off, always looking for new opportunities and I think she knows that.

Moving is not an option as she would not leave her family for anything in the world. She is having a hard time leaving her sister's house because I am 20 miles away from them or roughly 30-45 minutes away. The umbilical cord is very short for her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...you've been living with her family since you got married?


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

A few months after. We were forced to move because the apartment complex was sold to private owner who converted it for business purposes. It was her idea so we could save money and help them through their financial difficulties. Instead, I was asked to pay rent and utilities that were way too high, but I did it to help. This did not let us save any money to purchase a house of our own. Now it seems that they may never come out of financial difficulties, if the current situation continues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you a lawyer?


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

I just spoke with her and told her I would not try to contact her to give her her space. This is completely killing me inside. How can someone who says they love you and are in love with you be this way.


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## cruz313 (Feb 11, 2010)

Yes, I am an attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you do some marketing to get some quick work to pay bills? Tell your church elders you're looking for some, and when someone comes in with problems, they can recommend you. Or tell your kids' teachers, or everyone else you know, and whenever someone comes up to them and says they'll need to talk to a lawyer, they'll remember you. A consultation here and there, can really pay off some bills.


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