# Ever wonder about the ex's life?



## Cooper

There's another thread on here about how the ex's have aged and it got me thinking about my ex and wondering if she's happy with the decisions she made and how things ended up. She walked away from her home, her kids, financial security, most of our friends and even part of her family to be with her "soul mate" Now she lives in an old run down house in a terrible area and is married to a guy with a history of infidelity and chronic unemployment. My ex was always a very attractive woman, now she looks haggard and frankly unhealthy. She skated out of our marriage with $228,000 in cash and assets but cries to the kids she can't do more with them because she has no money. Her life is just so different than it was. 

I wonder when she lies in bed at night if she misses her old life or if she thanks god for the life she has now.


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## Sparkles422

cooper: 
Gosh, who knows what these people think, more than likely justifying their actions. Imagine lying in bed and thinking of the really stupid decision one made based upon an immature emotional kneejerk reaction or the callous, cruelty they exhibited. I wouldn't want to be them.

Perhaps, they are not honest with themselves and if that is the case, then they have justified what they have done.

No I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. Yikes. The pain was (and is at times) horrible enough but guilt and self anger? No, no.


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## Freak On a Leash

I think now that he's sober my H is very lonely and feeling some inner pain and regret. I think the repercussions of all his actions are finally weighing on him. 

Yesterday my H told me he was "sorry for what he put us all through." 

I said "Recently or from years ago?"

He said "All of it". 

I said "Tell the kids that."

He said "I thought I did tell them." 

I said "Nope you never said that to them. It would impress them."

When I told the kids what he said my 17 year old daughter laughed and said "Bulls*t". My 14 year old son said "So he knows he was a real jerk?"

He's got a LOT of work to do but it's a start.


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## Jellybeans

I do wonder about his life but I don't like to dwell on things in the past. We had a moment (nearly a decade) in time together that had good and bad times and we aren't together anymore. So that's that. 

I have wondered before if he's happy with his decisions but it really doesn't matter cause this is the path he wanted and whatnot. I will always remember one time when he told me he felt bad cause he would forever have to live w/ the guilt/his conscious of not doing any/everything to salvage our relationship. That makes me happy in a round-about way. Nonetheless, I wish him the best.


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## AppleDucklings

I do wonder about how in the heck he can live with himself after what he put us all through. I try to imagine that he's not happy. I mean he left a wife who adored him, he left his children who thought the world of him, he left our home and now he lives with his 15 years younger than him girlfriend and her 3 yr old child where they dont even have so much as a couch to sit on. He chain smokes cigarettes, he is borderline alcoholic and he's also lost the relationship he had with his mother and sisters because of his lies. But, I suppose he could be happy. Perhaps to some people losing your family, being a smelly smoker who's drunk most nights and only gets to see their kids 3 hours a week is happiness?


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## Freak On a Leash

Appleducklings, 

That sounds like my husband. Until last night when he said he was "sorry for what he put us through" he NEVER expressed any remorse or regret for what he did. I've found that amazing. 

We didn't have a perfect life but our marriage was doing better than it ever had. We were having fun with each other, having great sex and finally the kids were older and we could have time alone as a couple. If he'd stayed the course, we would've had money as a result of his inheritance and lived comfortably too. 

Then (so he tells me..still not sure) he was told he had pancreatic cancer. So what does he do? He doesn't tell his wife or family. Nope.

Instead, he kept it to himself, went on a drinking binge that turned into alcoholism, stopped work and nearly destroyed our family business and goes on to wreck the lives of everyone and everything around him. 

That was TWO YEARS AGO. I don't see any signs of his cancer but his drinking and smoking have aged him to the point where he looks 10 years older than he did a year ago. His kids can't stand to look at him and I'm probably the only friend he's got despite the fact that he has sh!t all over me and I basically treat him like a friend, not a lover or a husband. 

Today we were discussing the holidays. He asked me if he was spending them with us. I said "Well, who else are you going to spend them with?" The answer: No one. He has some friends but he's driven a lot of them away and the ones left aren't impressed with him and don't even call him anymore. So yes, it's just ME, ironically enough. 

My daughter would just as soon watch him rot, with good reasons in many cases. 

My son is ambivalent. He can stay or go. 

Yep, he's really turned himself into a mess. Can't believe after all he's put me though that I feel sorry for him but it's he's so pitiful that I do. 

But that doesn't mean I'm going to live with him again.


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## Cooper

Freak-on-leash it's funny how you mention feeling sorry for the ex. I took the kids to family counseling after the divorce and the therapist described me as a "fixer" personality, always doing anything I could to make things better for others. It was hard for me to ever say no and the ex new that and was using it to her advantage. Finally I told her one day to stop calling and pretending she is a victim, I told her she is no longer my responsibility and I will no longer give her advise or do her little favors. For a time she continued to call and play her victim role but I would simply say "not my problem". It felt good, very good. 

Another thing I wonder about is how my ex and her husband live their day to day life. When we were married as soon as I walked in the door from work the drama started. I wonder if she is still like that, always playing the victim, I wonder if her new husband is tired of listening yet.


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## Freak On a Leash

Cooper said:


> Freak-on-leash it's funny how you mention feeling sorry for the ex. I took the kids to family counseling after the divorce and the therapist described me as a "fixer" personality, always doing anything I could to make things better for others. It was hard for me to ever say no and the ex knew that and was using it to her advantage.


I feel sorry for him but I'm not a "fixer". Usually I walk away from someone who is "toxic". I did with my own family (father, mother, sister) without hesitation. I haven't spoken to them in nearly a decade and have no regrets. 

However,, there's so much tying in with my husband. We have the kids and I still need things from him and for a long time I clung to our friendship, relationship and memories and hoped things would get better. But now I know that it is what it is and accept that. 

A huge part of me doesn't want to get close to him for fear of getting hurt again. I LIKE the way I'm feeling and acting towards him. I'm very pleasant and nice but I don't feel attached. I can see him or not see him. It's all good. It's a place I've been wanting to be for a long time and I'm liking it a lot. 

Ironically he is the one that is trying to become closer to me while I'm pushing him back. This is exactly the opposite scenario we've had over the course of our marriage. For the past two years, he had been set on running away from me and the kids and dedicating his time, efforts and money to his own selfish needs.

I don't know why it's changed now. Maybe because he can't lose himself in alcohol anymore. I wish I could say that he stopped drinking out of remorse or a desire to change things for the better. No, it was self preservation. The doctor told him that if he drank again to the point of inebriation he'd die. I was there when he was told that. Drinking is literally a death sentence and my H doesn't want to die. 

So now he's looking around wondering what to live for. In the past year, he's spent thousands of dollars on toys and his own desires. He bought himself a $50,000 boat, new computers, stereo, TVs and all sort of goodies. He stopped work and took vacations while the rest of us worked, went to school and lived out our lives "normally." He decided to live the lifestyle of the rich and retired and hardly shared that good fortune with us. the end I guess it's brought him no pleasure so he wants to "rediscover" his family but we've moved on and are living our lives without him being a big part of our lives. 

When he comes to visit my apartment he always assumes that he is sleeping over. It's happened numerous times since he got out of the hospital and rehab. And I've had to tell him, "No, I want to sleep in my own bed alone and I have plans tomorrow..etc, etc, etc". He looks sad and pitiful and is now asking to sleep on an air mattress so he can be "near his family" but I really just want to have my own space in my own place. 

I'm not doing this out of anger or malice, I SINCERELY just want to sleep in my own bed, in comfort and in peace and do what it is I want to do on my time off. I don't mind spending some time with him. I have gone over to his house to do some work on my cars and he has sat and talked with me as I worked..something he NEVER did when we were living together. I remember that when we lived together I would follow him from room to room trying to engage in conversation with him while he walked away and ignored me. 

I treat him a lot better than he treated me. I sat tonight and watched TV with him after we celebrated my son's birthday but then he gets miffed and pitiful looking when I tell him I need to go up to sleep and he needs to go home. 

All I can think is that he created this for himself and now regrets it but for me and the kids it put us in a better place. We LIKE our lives right now and he doesn't like his. There's nothing I can do for him unless I give up what I've gotten out of all this. 

Our old life together is gone, he has to realize that. We can share some things together. I don't mind as long as he behaves himself but I want my space. What's ironic is that he was the who said that to me as recently this past summer..That he needs his space and we should both live our lives in our own way. 

So I guess it comes down to the old adage..."Watch what you wish for, you might just get it."


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## AppleDucklings

Freak On a Leash said:


> I feel sorry for him but I'm not a "fixer". Usually I walk away from someone who is "toxic". I did with my own family (father, mother, sister) without hesitation. I haven't spoken to them in nearly a decade and have no regrets.
> 
> However,, there's so much tying in with my husband. We have the kids and I still need things from him and for a long time I clung to our friendship, relationship and memories and hoped things would get better. But now I know that it is what it is and accept that.
> 
> A huge part of me doesn't want to get close to him for fear of getting hurt again. I LIKE the way I'm feeling and acting towards him. I'm very pleasant and nice but I don't feel attached. I can see him or not see him. It's all good. It's a place I've been wanting to be for a long time and I'm liking it a lot.
> 
> Ironically he is the one that is trying to become closer to me while I'm pushing him back. This is exactly the opposite scenario we've had over the course of our marriage. For the past two years, he had been set on running away from me and the kids and dedicating his time, efforts and money to his own selfish needs.
> 
> I don't know why it's changed now. Maybe because he can't lose himself in alcohol anymore. I wish I could say that he stopped drinking out of remorse or a desire to change things for the better. No, it was self preservation. The doctor told him that if he drank again to the point of inebriation he'd die. I was there when he was told that. Drinking is literally a death sentence and my H doesn't want to die.
> 
> So now he's looking around wondering what to live for. In the past year, he's spent thousands of dollars on toys and his own desires. He bought himself a $50,000 boat, new computers, stereo, TVs and all sort of goodies. He stopped work and took vacations while the rest of us worked, went to school and lived out our lives "normally." He decided to live the lifestyle of the rich and retired and hardly shared that good fortune with us. the end I guess it's brought him no pleasure so he wants to "rediscover" his family but we've moved on and are living our lives without him being a big part of our lives.
> 
> When he comes to visit my apartment he always assumes that he is sleeping over. It's happened numerous times since he got out of the hospital and rehab. And I've had to tell him, "No, I want to sleep in my own bed alone and I have plans tomorrow..etc, etc, etc". He looks sad and pitiful and is now asking to sleep on an air mattress so he can be "near his family" but I really just want to have my own space in my own place.
> 
> I'm not doing this out of anger or malice, I SINCERELY just want to sleep in my own bed, in comfort and in peace and do what it is I want to do on my time off. I don't mind spending some time with him. I have gone over to his house to do some work on my cars and he has sat and talked with me as I worked..something he NEVER did when we were living together. I remember that when we lived together I would follow him from room to room trying to engage in conversation with him while he walked away and ignored me.
> 
> I treat him a lot better than he treated me. I sat tonight and watched TV with him after we celebrated my son's birthday but then he gets miffed and pitiful looking when I tell him I need to go up to sleep and he needs to go home.
> 
> All I can think is that he created this for himself and now regrets it but for me and the kids it put us in a better place. We LIKE our lives right now and he doesn't like his. There's nothing I can do for him unless I give up what I've gotten out of all this.
> 
> Our old life together is gone, he has to realize that. We can share some things together. I don't mind as long as he behaves himself but I want my space. What's ironic is that he was the who said that to me as recently this past summer..That he needs his space and we should both live our lives in our own way.
> 
> So I guess it comes down to the old adage..."Watch what you wish for, you might just get it."


My ex husband is also very toxic but it took a lot for me to finally walk away from him. He doesn't try to hang around though. He did one time but I had the cops remove him and he hasn't tried since. I don't think he misses us or has any regrets himself, and if he does, he is way too proud to admit it. Sometimes I wish he would be sorry for what he did but I also saw him stalk the ex-OW when she wouldn't completely dump her current boyfriend for him. I do NOT want him stalking me or interfering in my new life. I do want him to be sorry but at the same time, if being sorry causes him to want to hang around me, then I don't want that.


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> There's another thread on here about how the ex's have aged and it got me thinking about my ex and wondering if she's happy with the decisions she made and how things ended up. She walked away from her home, her kids, financial security, most of our friends and even part of her family to be with her "soul mate" Now she lives in an old run down house in a terrible area and is married to a guy with a history of infidelity and chronic unemployment. My ex was always a very attractive woman, now she looks haggard and frankly unhealthy. She skated out of our marriage with $228,000 in cash and assets but cries to the kids she can't do more with them because she has no money. Her life is just so different than it was.
> 
> I wonder when she lies in bed at night if she misses her old life or if she thanks god for the life she has now.


Yes, I have wondered the exact thing. I live in a small town and have visitation with the kids, so I still see her some, but communication is very little.

She divorced me because she was no longer "happy." There was no abuse, cheating, or any hard-core issues, so i have wondered how happy she is now. She lost a lot of weight before our divorce and she claimed it was due to being so depressed with me; It's been a year, however, and I notice she hasn't gained it back. 

Someone told me once that they didn't think she was as happy as she thought she would be, but who knows.


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## CalifGuy

I rarely, if ever, wonder about my ex-wife. She made out like a bandit in the divorce with about 2/3 of our assets and at the end of it, she got our home, I got an income property we had but had to refinance in order to pay her more money and I had to pay her alimony for three years, but, quite honestly, I was just happy to get the hell outta Dodge! I do know that she remarried last year and recently gave birth to a baby boy...how do I know this? Because she called me at work to shoot the **** and talk as she seems to like to do every 6 months or so.

The divorce was an unfortunate thing but she gained 100 pounds, became increasingly selfish and increasingly abusive (verbally, mostly, but she was not beyond digging her nails into my arm if I said something that pissed her off or even she was not beyond keying my Porsche both up and down right in front of her own mother because she was unhappy with something I said!).

But, she was my college sweetheart and soulmate and I hope she is happy now and I have no ill will towards her, even if my mortgage is through the roof and I am barely hanging on.

I filed for divorce and the only time I looked back is when she and I got together one weekend after my rebound relationship dumped me after two months of dating (well, actually she broke up with me, we got back together and had an amazing night of sex and then I dumped her!). lol During that one weekend, my ex wife and I were intimate all weekend but at the end of the weekend, I saw that was not what I wanted for the rest of my life and then that is when the divorce got nasty and she got greedier and greedier in order to punish me.

However, I did have one major heartbreak between marriages when a 15 month relationship came to an end with a woman I thought I was going to marry...she was everything I could ever want in a woman yet she was kind of an ice queen, I suppose, but that was easy to overlook when she was so amazing in the bedroom, had the best body I have ever seen, was extremely intelligent and just knew how to work it...always left me wanting more. I was devastated by that breakup and met my now wife a month later and at the time was still desperately trying to get back together with this ex gf. However, my ultimatum to the ex gf of either we get back together now or I move on with my life with my now wife didn't sway the ex gf in the least so that was that. 

It was the first and only time in my life that I was not able to get what I really wanted and I was crushed.


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