# He wants to work on the problems but not be committed



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

My husband and I separated again for the second time. He says that we cannot be in a committed relationship unless we resolve our issues. But I feel like that is part of the problem that in the last year we got back together, there wasn't commitment on his side and that is what made me more anxious through the entire year. He says we need to separate for 3 months and work on the problems and see if we can resolve them or not and if we cannot resolve them then at least we have moved out separately and we can both move on. while he says he is committed to working on the problems that don't allow us to be in the relationship. 

But it is a catch 22 on the fact that how do you not commit to the relationship but commit to working on the problems in order to be in the relationship. I guess it makes sense but it is hard still.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He wants his cake and eat it too. Seems like you're a back up plan if being single doesn't pan out for him.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

That is the way I am seeing it but he is saying that our relationship isn't working so how can we be in it? We fight all the time, so we need to work on the problems and issues in order to be in relationship that is what he is saying. He said that he cannot deal with both work and a rocky relationship so if we are apart then we can individually work on it and in marriage counselling too. So I guess it makes sense but it sometimes confuses me.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Makes sense? Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

I am not sure I am understanding you Sbrown. I know he isn't wanting to be single and play the field. We both can't go back to unhappiness so we are trying living apart and working on the problems to see if they can be resolved.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Atilia said:


> I am not sure I am understanding you Sbrown. *I know he isn't wanting to be single and play the field. *We both can't go back to unhappiness so we are trying living apart and working on the problems to see if they can be resolved.


That's your first mistake.

Thinking you know what he wants.

What do you want?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

How do you know this? His actions seem to point that at the very least he doesn't want to be with you. Please explain to me how he is working on "the problems".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You`re being led by your nose.

You cannot work on relationship issues while separated, the entire idea is ridiculous.
If separated there is no relationship to work on.

Your man is up to something else and you need to figure out what it is.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi, I get what you are saying. When we are together, the relationship is unstable. It is only when we separate that we or at least me, I start to realise my mistakes. You only know what you have until it is gone.

He says that when things are smooth sailing, I go off the rails and my anger comes out because I then feel comfortable to be ungrateful in the marriage and I see when I do this. He does the same sometimes, but he has tried and I get I need to work on me. What do I want? I want to resolve the issues we have had in the marriage so we can have a healthy relationship, but living together right now is so up and down and it is unhealthy so he wants us to work out our problems before committing to be in the relationship which will give us more motivation to make things work. He isn't unfaithful and never has been. He just wants to be in a healthy relationship. He is committed to doing the MC once a week and working on his issues and so am I so I hope we can work through this.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

So, he points our your faults.

Has he owned any of his?


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Not really. he thinks most of it is my fault. He says I have no control over my anger and neediness. I only become needy because he is always working and exhausted and doesn't make quality time for us. I am usually independent. I don't rely on him financially or socially. I am very outgoing and he can be a bit cautious around that sometimes.
I do need to think if I really want this man back or not as he has so many other priorities over me. I am just going to do my own life and learn how to meet other people who value my outgoing ways and charm. If he really wants me back then he can do some work to make it work too because I am committed to being the best person I can be.


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