# Time to Give Up?



## Loved & Disrespected (Jul 25, 2015)

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 5. I love him very much, but I feel he is not treating me with respect. He has hid things from me, lied to me, and is very manipulative to get what he wants. He doesn't cheat, drink, do drugs, or cause physical harm to me but I feel I put way more into this relationship than he does. He barely lifts a finger around the house. I ask very little of him, but when I do it never gets done no matter how important it is. He always claims he forgot. It was a mutual decision for me to go back to school (on top of working full time), yet he still doesn't help around the house. He wants my teenage kids to help instead. Sure they can help, but he should too. He will pay people to do things I have asked him to do and doesn't understand why that upsets me. For one, I asked HIM to do it, and two we can't always afford him to pay people to do things he could easily do himself. This makes me feel like I am not important enough to him to do one small chore for me. 

His hiding things from me have caused us to become homeless for a week at one point leaving me to rely on friends to take in my children during that time while we had to move everything we owned into a storage unit and find an apartment quickly. All of this was caused by him talking me into renting a house I told him we could not afford. He said he was paying the rent, but I found out he was very behind when the landlord drove 8 hours from out of state, knocked on my door and said he was not returning her calls or emails and we had two days to get out. Looking back on it, I should have left him then. That was the worst day of my life and I don't wish that feeling on anyone. 

Recently, he did not work for an entire year, never left the house, and still didn't help around the house. He is back to work now and does give me money for rent, but I don't know what he does with the rest of his money, but I'm guessing he gives it to his mother who is gambling it away rather than helping us save for our future goals. I know he isn't saving it because he is continuosly running out of money. 

He can't be trusted with a debit card or credit card so I had to close our joint account a few years ago and get one in my own name. He only has a savings account, but has used my card for subscriptions that keep coming out of my account. One is an online virtual game that seems to be costing me about $80 a month and he refused to cancel it when he wasn't working and we couldn't afford it. 

Today something has really set me off again. He had given an old car to his adult son over a year ago and I told him he needed to sign the title over to him so we could drop it from our insurance and he could insure it himself. I also didn't want his son driving around a car that legally belonged to us and on our insurance because his son totalled one of our cars very shortly before this and I don't want to be responsible if something happens again. That accident caused MY insurance rates to rise because it was covered under MY insurance policy. My husband told me one day that he went over there that day and he signed the title over to his son. Today I found that title in our home. I dropped the insurance on that car about a year ago because I thought it no longer belonged to us. I know the car isn't in my name, but since we are married and something happened, I could be sued too. When I called him at work to confront him about it, he just claimed that he thought he signed it over, but that it didn't matter because that car hasn't been running for a year anyway. I know it hasn't been running for a while, but it hasn't been that long. 

I just don't know what to do. Whenever I try to talk to him about how his actions make me feel, he always turns it around on me. He says he doesn't spend any money on himself and gives all his money to me and helps support my kids. He says he puts my kids needs before his own. My daughter loves him as her own dad, but my son doesn't care for him too much. He is very hard on my son and spoils my daughter, buying her whatever she wants because she gets good grades, even if we can't afford it. My son doesn't get into trouble at school and is genuinely a good kid, but doesn't always get the best grades and refuses to pick up after himself and lies constantly about little things. I think he does these things to spite my husband. 

I know this is a long post and I apolgize for that, but I could use all the advice I can get. I really love my husband and really want our marriage to work, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly being taken advantage of.


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## Loved & Disrespected (Jul 25, 2015)

This was a unique situation because the landlord was an acquaintance and rented to us without credit checks. She said she would not report it to the courts if we moved out quickly and we wouldn't have an eviction on our record that way. She gave us a good referral and even gave us a little money to help us out because her husband was pushing her to do this, but she felt bad and she never asked for the money we owed her. Even if we did go through the process, we would not have been able to pay it all before we would have been evicted anyway so decided it best to move out and not have it on our record. I felt bad enough that she had to drive all that way because he wasn't responding to her. She didn't know what her house was going to look like when she got there. She was worried we might have left and tore it up, when in reality I was oblivious that any of this was going on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well if you love him and want to stay married to him just get used to being his doormat. 

When you think of it like that is it worth it?


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## Loved & Disrespected (Jul 25, 2015)

That's hard to answer. I don't know if it is worth it. We get along well for the most part and we make each other laugh and have fun together. But I think his irresponsible actions are going to catch up with us someday and hurt more than just him. I have to look out for my future too, especially since I am 12 years younger than him. The only thing I can think to do at this point is give him an ultimatum. Maybe I'll give him a month to do what I ask of him (which isn't much) and if he doesn't, it's over. Just last night he said he would do the dishes because I told him it was a mutual decision for me to go back to school and he needed to start helping out more so I can focus on my school work. I got up this morning after he left for work and the dirty dishes were still in the sink. I had to wash a bowl and spoon just to be able to eat cereal. I should be doing school work now and instead I am stressing over this. And I sit here with no car because his broke down so he has been driving mine to work while his has been sitting in the driveway for a month. He has the money to fix it, but is waiting on his mechanic to fix it. His mechanic is good and cheap, but it takes him a while because he works a lot of hours. Mine needs a lot of work too, but is still driveable. I have been getting rides to work from my daughter, but I won't be able to after next week because of circumstances changing. I don't know what we will do then. Then there is the fact that my credit is terrible thanks to his irresponsible actions. I don't know if we can get out of our lease and if someone else will even rent to me. I would have to kick him out and stay here since my son is still school and this is the cheapest place to rent in this school district. I don't know if he will leave and if I can even make him leave if we are both on the lease.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tell him that when your lease is up you're leaving, then he can live in a pigsty by himself. Then do it. What incentive does he have? All you do is complain but that's it.

Or learn to live with it and do absolutely nothing for him. Don't cook for him, don't do his laundry, nothing. If something needs fixed call someone. 


Remember though that once you draw a line in the sand if it's crossed and you do nothing your credibility will be gone. 

Fyi, I'm 19 years younger than my hb and if he behaved like that I would be gone. I divorced my first first hb with two little kids, I'd have no problem doing it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loved & Disrespected (Jul 25, 2015)

I left my first husband as well with two small kids and it was easier than this. I didn't love my first husband like I do my current husband. My first husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive. I only married him because I got pregnant at 18. I was never in love with him. I waited several years before marrying again to be sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It seems I got it wrong again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Love....so the hell what?

Your description of love is a distorted, dysfunctional premise.

What you are really saying is that you MUST HAVE A MAN, and since he lets you live with him, well, it must be good enough.

If nothing else, start going to a therapist so you can learn to love and respect yourself.

If you ever reach that point, this will all be a moot point because you will see what a ridiculous premise you staying with him is.


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## mccart (Jul 27, 2015)

hi nice one here


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