# Husband heading for an affair?



## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

I have noticed recently that my husband has been watching many more shows with sex in them, the kind that could be classified as soft-core porn. He has shunned such things in the past. Our sex drives have always been mismatched, he has always wanted more than me, but we have done our best to accomodate each other through our 7 years of marriage. Our relationship has always been quite close. That is why this new trend is so disturbing to me, it is very out of character for him. I asked him about it and he apologized for watching the movies, but said something to to effect of "it's just so hard being good all the time"... Last night, he encouraged me to go out with a friend and when I got home that evening, I discovered he had watched a movie about a married couple with a stalled sex life who agreed to have extra-marrital affairs. We ended up having a huge fight about it. He feels I am over-reacting. Maybe I am, but I was just so shocked. I would never dream of watching a movie like that. I'm freaked out. I just honestly believed that he was the kind of man who would never even think about cheating. I'm just not sure what to do. I never thought our entire relationship would boil down to our sexual issues.
Please help... I am afraid of where this is heading...


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

JMO, but I don't feel like watching movies with sex scenes necessarily leads to cheating. I'd say it sounds more along the lines of exploring his sexuality. If he has been more conservative about these things in the past, perhaps he is 'coming out of his shell' a bit at this point in his life. I think a calm, rational, non-judgmental discussion is in order. Don't jump to conclusions, or read into it, but be open to hear him out if you really want to know what he's thinking and feeling right now that has led him to change his habits like this.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Blukitti said:


> I never thought our entire relationship would boil down to our sexual issues.
> Please help... I am afraid of where this is heading...


Every relationship boils down to it's sexual issues.

Sex is the canary in the coal mine for ANY relationship. If you are happy with little sex, and unhappy when he expresses a desire for more ... your relationship has SERIOUS issues.

If your expectation is that he should simply accept that's the way it is ... your relationship has even bigger serious issues.

So please try to take a long, hard, look at why you are framing this as HIS problem. What is your contribution to the problem? Moreover, what would you like your contribution to be in order to address it?


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you JrsMrs for the helpful advice. Deejo - giving me advice like that, I'm not surprised you're a divorcee. Let me guess, it was all your ex-wife's fault, and I remind you of her? Here's a clue, communication is the "canary in the coal mine" not sex. But don't let me interrupt your bitter musings. I'm sure they're all you have left.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Blukitti said:


> Thank you JrsMrs for the helpful advice. Deejo - giving me advice like that, I'm not surprised you're a divorcee. Let me guess, it was all your ex-wife's fault, and I remind you of her? Here's a clue, communication is the "canary in the coal mine" not sex. But don't let me interrupt your bitter musings. I'm sure they're all you have left.


That madam, is deflection, with a smidgin' of avoidance. 

I'm not bitter. What I said was meant to be helpful, not accusatory.

You have a role in this. I did not claim that it is YOUR fault.

There aren't many people on these forums that have fulfilling sex lives and are thinking about ending their marriage. Sex IS communication. In it's most intimate form. 

You will need to share a bit more information about the dynamic you have with your husband. So? What isn't happening in your relationship to make you both feel more fulfilled?



> "I'm afraid of where this is heading ...


What do you mean by this?


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

This post is to the OP...



Deejo said:


> Every relationship boils down to it's sexual issues.Unless this is discussed as non- important before marriage
> 
> Sex is the canary in the coal mine for ANY relationship.Unless discussed as non- important prior to marriage or partnership If you are happy with little sex, and unhappy when he expresses a desire for more ... your relationship has SERIOUS issues.
> 
> ...


I don't believe this poster deserves blame for his lack of tact...He is right on...The problems are with you...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You sound like you have the classic disconnect between high and low libido people within a marriage. From what I've read on other message boards, the partner with the lower libido can't imagine why on earth sex would be a big enough deal to even worry about, much less fight about while the higher libido partner sits and wonders what they are doing to alienate their partner so terribly.

It's hard to say whether your husband is headed for an affair or not, but what I would say is that he's probably struggling to find a way to cope with the sexual dynamic of the marriage. I know that early on in my marriage I watched Skinemax every night until it just began to piss me off that THEY got to have sex and I didn't. I don't know if an open marriage would convince me to stay at this point, there's so much water under that particular bridge but I can tell you with absolute certainty that sex is a key reason why I plan to file for divorce in the next month or two. 

It could very well be that he's just exploring new things through these movies. However, if you've always had a libido mismatch, I would definitely say that a calm conversation is in order to see where this new behavior is coming from. 

But make no mistake: sex is a huge deal in marriage and a huge indicator of the overall health of a relationship. If you don't feel close enough to have sex or talk about sex (on either side), then things really aren't going as well as you might otherwise think.


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

Deejo... I apologize. I have no right to judge you. But when I said that we accomodated each other, I meant it. I tried many different things over the years to spice up our sex lives and often had sex when I did not want to. What I asked in return was for him to respect that I could turn him down when I really did not want sex or I did not want to be treated in a sexual way. And we have had many, many conversations about our mismatched libidos, searching for solutions. Recently, our sex life had been rather enjoyable, maybe is wasn't five times a week, but we were both being satisfied. My husband has never been one to be devious or keep secrets from me, so this has been a bit of a shock to me. What I'm afraid of is that he will take a step further and further and eventually start searching for another partner.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Blukitti said:


> My husband has never been one to be devious or keep secrets from me, so this has been a bit of a shock to me. What I'm afraid of is that he will take a step further and further and eventually start searching for another partner.


Odds are, as JrsMrs said, he is looking for ways to vent sexual tension.

Where this can get tricky, is if you feel betrayed by his searching for ways to sexually fulfill himself that don't involve putting pressure on you. Often this involves masturbation and pornography - and that option is a cheap substitute to feeling fulfilled with your wife.

Keep talking with him. I guess what I'm trying to get my head around is whether you are concerned by his sexuality increasing and what that means for the dynamic of your relationship, or if you truly feel that your husband is moving towards infidelity?

Here are some suggestions that can bridge the gap between a low drive and high drive partner:

pornography, either viewing it together, or creating your own - so that your partner can use it as reference material without imposing on you.

Co-masturbation. This is the equivalent of a quickie without intercourse. It is still intimate, it's still the two of you. It sets low expectations - you can choose to escalate the interaction if you choose to.

If sex is something you and he can talk about comfortably, then trust me, you will have his undivided attention if you bring up ways to be sexual under circumstances that you feel good about.

Believe me, nobody here wants to see your marriage fail for any reason.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I see two different things going on

1. You are trying to control his sexuality through guilt because you fear it will lead somewhere you don't want it to go.

2. The low libido person in the relationship generally control the relationship. In effect the low libido person cares less, and therefore wins. It seems like this dynamic is being threatened, and you're unhappy about that. It's really about power.

I don't understand exactly what you are afraid of? 

He's exploring some of his sexuality and you don't want him to? Has there been any affair type things going on, or is your fear he'll get horny and realize he has needs that aren't met in the relationship. Please clarify.

(Oh, and you should be nice Deejo. He's very clever.)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

seeking sanity said:


> (Oh, and you should be nice Deejo. He's very clever.)


And hot ... don't forget hot ... for the ladies.


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

Ok, yes I am a jerk, I get it. I am not consciously trying to be a control freak, but I know for a fact that watching porn puts desires into your heart that usually lead to infidelity of some kind. I have seen it happen in other relationships. Yes, I believe he is trying to vent his sexual frustration, but I resent the implication that I care less just because I have a lower libido. Believe me, i would give just about anything to increase my libido, but I don't know how. I want to make him happy. I just don't know if he would be unfaithful to me or not. I used to be certain that he would not, but I also used to be certain that he hated any kind of porn - because he told me so for seven years. I am not saying I have no responsibility for this situation, but as I have said several times before, I am in a bit of shock. Was he just saying it to please me? Or has he really changed? Is there anything else has he been less than truthful about? These things are going through my mind right now. But I will talk to him. Calmly and non-judgementally. Again I am sorry.


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

BTW.. I love the cookie monster pic. First thing that made me laugh today.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Odds are, he was simply trying to please you. He loves you. He wants you to be happy, in turn which makes him happy.

So what the two of you certainly need out of the gate is absolute honesty.

If his sex drive has been leading him to frustration and dissatisfaction with the relationship - that is something you should be aware of. This was my initial point. If he loves you, and is simply looking for a release knowing you won't be interested ... you should know that too, because it's harmless, but it appears you don't see it that way.

If you have a much lower drive, and the thought of increasing sex fills you with dread, anxiety, or anger _at him_, then you need to be honest with that as well.

If he isn't telling you the truth for fear of hurting your feelings or losing you - or fear of you freaking out on him then he needs to step up, and you should encourage him to do so.

Means you need to step up too, and be honest with yourself and him.

Do you desire your husband?

How frequently do the two of you have sex?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Blukitti, the other thing to keep in mind is that porn doesn't equal cheating. You've made a pretty big leap in your head there, which is where the anxiety is coming from.

It's called "what if" thinking - You starting thinking, "he's watching porn, what if it leads to cheating" and then all of a sudden you are down an emotional worm hole.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Blu,
I promise not to be judgmental if you are willing to be specific. My W and I have worked out our LD/HD marriage very well overall. Yes we have had some hiccups along the way - a few painful - but no cheating / or even near cheating. Like you we BOTH made the effort - we meet about halfway between her desired frequency and mine. Actually for the first 10 years of our marriage we met about 90 percent of the way towards MY desired frequency. Which in hindsight wasn't fair to her. 

I will have some suggestions for you BUT before I make them it would help to understand what his ideal frequency is, what your ideal is, what the "actual" frequency is and how you handle nights where he initiates and you don't want to. 






Blukitti said:


> BTW.. I love the cookie monster pic. First thing that made me laugh today.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Blukitti said:


> I have noticed recently that my husband has been watching many more shows with sex in them, the kind that could be classified as soft-core porn. He has shunned such things in the past. Our sex drives have always been mismatched, he has always wanted more than me, but we have done our best to accomodate each other through our 7 years of marriage. Our relationship has always been quite close. That is why this new trend is so disturbing to me, it is very out of character for him. I asked him about it and he apologized for watching the movies, but said something to to effect of "it's just so hard being good all the time"... Last night, he encouraged me to go out with a friend and when I got home that evening, I discovered he had watched a movie about a married couple with a stalled sex life who agreed to have extra-marrital affairs. We ended up having a huge fight about it. He feels I am over-reacting. Maybe I am, but I was just so shocked. I would never dream of watching a movie like that. I'm freaked out. I just honestly believed that he was the kind of man who would never even think about cheating. I'm just not sure what to do. I never thought our entire relationship would boil down to our sexual issues.
> Please help... I am afraid of where this is heading...


your husband is trying to tell you something about what he needs. why arent you listening.


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

MEM11363 - Thank you and I appreciate you are trying to help, but I don't feel comfortable posting that information. There are many posters here who are very judgemental and I don't care to expose myself to their criticism any more than I already have. But these discussion have helped me to open up communication with my husband about this issue and we had a very honest discussion last night and I have changes I need to make and that is what I will focus on now. Thank you to those who were helpful.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You know. . .I am no saint when it comes to porn. . .but I am going to just for the sake of being Devil's Advocate and keep an interesting discussion going. . .come down as "her attorney" on this thread.

I am not going to attack Deejo but rather make an accusation of the regulars at the Sex Forum:

You are Bleeding Heart Pinko Commies 

No seriously, sometimes I see a lot of you say,

"Ah, porn. . .no big deal. . .he's just exploring his sexuality. No biggie. C'mon. Everyone does it. The Catholic Church - they're so uptight. . .they're just a bunch of repressed homosexual men walking around who have no clue. Yeah, Sinead O'Connor had it right when she ripped a picture of the Pope on stage of Sat. night live."

Now. . .I get it. . .I am a regular at the Sex Forum so I am highly sexual like you.

But should I remind you there is another viewpoint out there? That no amount of porn is "healthy?" In the long run, I know it does desensitize the male to what is "normal" sexuality.

Now. . .I know. . .I know. . .Liberal Pinko Deejo will say, "Well, what is normallllll, man? I'm from the 60's. Free Love, man."

Well, may I suggest it's not normal to entertain ideas of Swinging?

*Scannerguard sits down across from Jury*


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

*Standing up again* *Walking around the courtroom waving hands*

Or perhaps, since this poster was so unable to represent herself in this debate, when it was a plea for help. .

I guess it's normal to have threesomes.

I guess it's normal sex to spurt your secretions all over your partner?

I guess it's normal for sex to go like this:

"Hey, Baby. I heard your ordered a pizza with pepperoni. Well, here's the pizza. And here's the pepperoni. . ."

I guess it's normal for women to put out to strange men?

I mean, it's only natural, when confronting a sexual problem in the marriage, that a man should naturally turn to. . .Porn? Right? I mean that's a legitimate method of communication:

1. I am unhappy with our sexuality.
2. Pop in "Hot Buttered Elves"

*Scannerguard sits down gloating at another court victory, having fully humiliated the opposition*


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## Blukitti (Jan 17, 2011)

Scannerguard, I will hire you as my attorney anytime.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

LOL. ..a career fantasy - the truth is it seems you don't get to argue your clients side very much in law practice. . .not all courtroom drama. . .you jsut do paperwork and get yoru billable hours up.

But if you will vote for me. . .I can maintain a good argument on a podium.  (politics is another fantasy of mine - I would love to be a US Rep.)

PS: This is such a fantasy because if you knew my district, there's been this Republican here for years and every election people vote for him, no questions asked. I'd love to take him out as an Independent but People vote Party line around here like automatons.

(sorry for the tangent, people - the point of my tirade is to kind of hold a mirror up to the Sex Forum and remind most posters here are very liberal in orientation)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> "Hey, Baby. I heard your ordered a pizza with pepperoni. Well, here's the pizza. And here's the pepperoni. . ."


Objection ... 

Quoting Cheech & Chong, and citing Buttered 'Little People' porn does not a case win. Excellent references though ...

Nothing that is perceived as disrespectful or unacceptable, should be part of a healthy relationship.

But ... consistent sexual rejection of one partner by the other, isn't part of a healthy relationship either.

Let the record show that I'm not claiming that is the case with Blukitti. We don't know what the case is. She seems nice, and she has a cutesy username. 

Liberal Pinko Commie? You left out pablum-puking ...

Wait ... weren't you the one postulating that facials were a means of 'marking one's territory' not all that long ago? 

Pornography becomes an issue - if it is an issue. It wasn't in my marriage. I think ex saw at as a means of taking the pressure off her. I also made no bones about the fact that I would much prefer sex with my spouse over the equivalent of cheap, sexual fast food. 

I know of other marriages where one spouse consistently rejected the other - but was also indignant if the rejected spouse did use porn as an outlet. It's a no win situation.

I defer to my original point. The overall health of a marriage can be judged by what is or isn't happening in the bedroom. If you are having regular, happy, sex - odds are you don't have glaring communication gaps.

Best of luck Blukitti. Sincerely hope you and hubs are able to work out something that brings you closer together. Watch out for that attorney, he will double bill you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Blu,
Totally understand. Clearly you prioritize your H and want to be a good partner. Let me summarize the challenge and then share how we address it:

I don't want to her have sex when she isn't going to enjoy it. She doesn't want to reject me if she can possibly avoid it. 

This is what works for us:
1. There are no rejections - only deferrals. Meaning she never says "no", or "not tonight", she might say - "can we connect tomorrow night". BIG difference to me. 
2. HER body language is consistent. She has a "non-sexual" vibe I can read at a glance. When I see it I simply don't mention sex. 
3. She has taught me how to get her "in the mood" on nights where she is not tense/exhausted - but also isn't feeling any lust. 
4. She has been exceptionally honest about the things that turn her off/on in bed and also outside the bedroom. Simple stuff like I never eat anything with garlic in it unless she is with me and is going to eat some as well. Harder stuff like keeping a V shaped upper body. 

And really critical stuff like how much she likes to "spar/wrestle". If you have never tried wrestling your man - you should give it a shot. If both of you are good at it - it can be a huge turn on. 

As for you, it might help to read up on the list of lifestyle choices that impact libido. In total they make a big difference - sleep, exercise, diet, etc. 

There is rarely a single "magic bullet" but if you do a good mix of these things - sex becomes more frequent and more enjoyable. 




Blukitti said:


> MEM11363 - Thank you and I appreciate you are trying to help, but I don't feel comfortable posting that information. There are many posters here who are very judgemental and I don't care to expose myself to their criticism any more than I already have. But these discussion have helped me to open up communication with my husband about this issue and we had a very honest discussion last night and I have changes I need to make and that is what I will focus on now. Thank you to those who were helpful.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> weren't you the one postulating that facials were a means of 'marking one's territory' not all that long ago?


A mere postulation and that was another case in which I was only counsel, not lead representation. 

I will ask the court adjourn while i tackle this statement:



> Pornography becomes an issue - if it is an issue.


Moral relavistic poppyc**k and typical flimflam from the Sex Forum.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> I will ask the court adjourn while i tackle this statement:
> 
> Moral relavistic poppyc**k and typical flimflam from the Sex Forum.


Like trying to staple jello to a wall ... jello works in the sex forum.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, obviously I win anyway, because I used the word "flimflam" in a sentence with haughtiness.

It pays to enrich your word power. 

No, I'll speak to this later when I have more time - the idea that pornography itself is not an evil in marriage. . .just from a Conservative viewpoint. (the Catholic doctrine)


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)




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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Madame Moderator,

I respectfully submit to the forum that I will return the subject to pornography and this poster's problem.

I ask patience as all I was pointing out to the forum is that when it comes to sexual issues, the regulars here lean left, pretty far at times, when it comes to views on a healthy sex life and that's what led to the disorder in the thread.

Again, don't have much time now by I would like to present an alternative view, if it pleases the forum, later today hopefully rather than the insinutation by the forum that this woman is being a prude.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Seduce him..he's losing interest.
Put on your highest pair of heels
Wear something sexy
Seduce him
Introduce toys into bed
Get his interest back and re-win him over. Use your imagination and it will work out-you'll see.

No man can resist these traits
(At least I can't anyway?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blukitti said:


> but I also used to be certain that he hated any kind of porn - because he told me so for seven years.


But why did he tell you this ? I assume you was asking, prodding. IF he admitted he liked it for these 7 yrs -outrighting admitting to it's arousing effects- would you have been OK with it ? 

Almost all men will seek out porn as teens, and enjoy it, even if it makes them feel shameful and guilty. Even the moral will feel compelled. It is the effects of Testosterone. Most men hide their porn very well as to NOT upset their wives - who do not have such a strirring in their loins. Men have 10 times more testosterone in their bodies in comparison to us women. It is not Satan, it is Testosterone as one of my Books on Hormones clearly points out. 

My husband has been looking since he was 11 , I used to catch him on the computer, used to post scriptures to his desktop. It hurt, but I also was lower drive then, He never even masterbated to it -but waited for me (many would not believe this -another story in itself). Depending on the man, porn watching does not, in any way, mean your husband is going to cheat or be unfaithful. Please consider this truth. 

I have learned a ton about Men, their Hormones, their sex drives, what they yearn for from their wives, now we watch it together. It has been a GOOD thing. (only soft stuff though) Neither of us have ever been with another, marreid 21 yrs. 

I know from my own lagging sex drive, my religious conservatism was doing me no favors, it helped to open up the mind a little towards sexuality. Reading many secular books on sex & how to please my husband , spice things up, this helped ME overcome many many barriers I had, and to better understand how I was hurting my husband in the past. 

Please allow your husband the freedom, without judgement, to open up to you about HOW he is feeling, his sexuality, even if he does enjoy a little soft core porn, this will only help. Your willingness to understand (or try too) and accepting him could open up the heavens to you both & enrich your marraige. Instead of him continuing to "hide" to keep the peace. Or stuffing down something he does enjoy. It will only resurface at a later time. 

We should not have to hide who are are with our spouses out of shame & guilt, especially when I doubt he has any intention at all to cheat or go outside of the marriage. Just your feeling this would HURT him. He just wants a more passionate (even lustful) relationship with his wife -You. 

I hope you will find some comfort in what I am saying.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, I know the forum has been waiting for my exposition with baited breath  so here it is.

TO SUMMARIZE (and to stay on topic as the Moderator requested): The OP is upset her husband is exploring pornography as a way of expressign himself with dissatisfaction (apparently) with their sex life.

The forum excuses or makes apologies for the husband's behavior in that I suppose:

A. Porn is readily available
B. It's the "norm" (norm and normal are not the same thing. For instance, it's the "norm" that Americans are fat. It's not normal)
C. The wife should open herself up to what "porn subject" he is exploring.

I am going to give a Conservative answer vs. the Liberal Answer from the Sex Forum:

Pornography is a fantasy world. Especially when it comes to marriage. It's like me going to the movie Lord of the Rings if I had a political problem at work or something and the Dwarves and Elves werent' getting along. The movies are written entirely from a male perspective (female porn is rare) in that they suggest "breadth" of sexual experience - multiple partners, threesomes, imagery such as facials.

By the very nature, sexuality in marriage is about "depth."

I don't think the OP would have been upset if he explained "tantric sex" to her and approached her with a book, saying he needs to deepen his sexual experience with her. 

Or any other "depth" type of experience. When you are single, you shoot for breadth; that's fine. 

Now. . .this is the Conservative viewpoint on sexuality in marriage (or one viewpoint). . .I am actually Moderate/Centrist.

TO THE OP: I would like you to consider there is a place for "erotica" in culture and in your home and it's not all morally decaying to the marriage. The Kama Sutra is a basic. Some instructional videos.

Erotica (vs. pornography and it's a fine line) has a way of not making the sexuality in the marriage implode in on itself, especially if it deepens the sexual experience between the two of you.

I think we all get why you were mad; heck, you aren't the first female to get mad that her husband was viewing porn. You won't be the last.

Sexuality is messy.

Don't believe it? Get inside of my head and you'll be ready to crown your husband Pope


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Blu, 

Hats off for getting advice on this. 

I think asking for advice but, pleading the 5th on frequency of sex is kind of strange on anonomous forum. It is all relative true but, if you are having sex once a month or every 2 days adds clarity to the picture. 

I think that neglect is more the cause of infedelity than porn.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Speaking as someone who has strayed from the marriage, and talked with others who have or tried to, porn viewing in and of itself will not cause your husband to have an affair. The sex drive issue, will. Not for what you think though. I have really had to get into my husband's low drive mentality to understand this. 

Perhaps when you say you have "met in the middle somewhere" its still nowhere near what he needs and he is turning to porn to satisfy the rest. I wouldnt be concerned with the porn CAUSING an affair, I would look at the porn as a symptom of not being nearly satisfied enough with your "frequency". Not being satisfied or feeling turned down, can lead to an affair, not the porn itself. 

Listen up, bc his porn watching is screaming to you that he is not of the mindset that you two "have met in the middle" of your sexual desires... he is screaming for more. If you dont give it to him, he will either grow hair on his palms or become resentful of you and stop wanting it with you according to your desired frequency, or he will find an opportunity elsewhere. Repeat after me, the porn would not cause him to have an affair, your marital sexlife will.

That is how it is from the mindset of the higher drive spouse and your husband is one of us. You can deny it and continue on your current path or you can accept it and accept that what you think is enough is NOT enough for him. It took me a long time to wrap my head around my husbands low drive and understand it wasnt personal (well mostly, he does have control issues too). Since you are here to find out the mindset of your higher drive spouse, please listen even if you dont want to believe. 

I had the affair bc my husband refused, REFUSED to have sex with me EVERY time I initiated, but if he wanted it, he got it. I had enough bc it was unfair... I wanted to be with someone who wouldnt say no, plain and simple. Not about emotions, not about divorce, just didnt want to be controled anymore. He didnt think he said no to me, when in reality he never said yes to me. So, you may think you are doing your part and you may not be. Just want you to be aware of how the mind can blind you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

toolate said:


> Speaking as someone who has strayed from the marriage, and talked with others who have or tried to, porn viewing in and of itself will not cause your husband to have an affair. The sex drive issue, will. Not for what you think though. I have really had to get into my husband's low drive mentality to understand this.
> 
> Perhaps when you say you have "met in the middle somewhere" its still nowhere near what he needs and he is turning to porn to satisfy the rest. I wouldnt be concerned with the porn CAUSING an affair, I would look at the porn as a symptom of not being nearly satisfied enough with your "frequency". Not being satisfied or feeling turned down, can lead to an affair, not the porn itself.
> 
> ...


This post wins.

Although, big ups to Scannerguard for using 'flim-flam' and 'haughtiness'. Which in no way relates to hotty-ness.
Major point loss for calling Amplexor a woman.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I disagree with Toolate.

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury. . .the forum will make the case and seems to be making the case that it's HER fault he is viewing porn, almost like some make the case it's the woman's fault that date rape occurs.

Toolate is also making the case that men view porn as a reaction of something dysfunctional in the marriage.

Might I suggest something radical?

Sometimes men view porn just becasue they view porn? Just like some men cheat on their wives, who give them sex often, connect with them emotionally, maintain their bodies, are good mothers and household stewards. . .because. . .well. . .just because they can. No good reason other than some pedantic (ching! score 3 points) psychobabble.

It's one of the 7 Deadly Sins: Gluttony.

"I'm going to get all I can get while the getting is good."

I ask the jury to not judge this woman as a poor sexual partner or bad communicator merely because her husband is viewing porn.

It's fallacious! It's outrageous! It's contagious!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Yes, some men do view porn bc they can. I agree. I just think that is not the case here as the issues is much deeper than that. Communication on both parts is lacking... he is trying to tell her in various ways he is not getting enough and she is not listening. She is thinking its enough and he is coping. Either he will have to accept its not going to increase, she will have to increase it, or he can stay married and have a private fling on the side, or divorce first and then meet someone with same drive and interests. Or do what MEM does successfully with his wife... which I totally admire.


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## sorrysole (Jan 20, 2011)

toolate wow a honest and heat felt answer. Being a HD with wife LD life has been hell with th amount of rejection. I personally use porn have from early in our marriage to compensate (doesn't really do it but better than nothing). Couldn't bring myself to cheat (have considered due to the hurt rejection creates) but you know the LD partner is always unfair and I agree they actually never say yes.
Porn doesn't cause infidelity and I don't even think it desensitizes people. Porn is a symptom of one partner not being happy. 
I sometimes refuse my wife just to feel I'm getting even how sick is that.


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## sorrysole (Jan 20, 2011)

Some men probably do view porn just to view it but I'm betting that is the minority. In a good marriage both partners do things to make the other happy but they also don't do some things to make the other happy as well. So if he knows that viewing Porn makes her unhappy then there has to be an underlying issue and that in most cases is a mismatch in sexual satisfaction (frequency or quality)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Might I suggest something radical?
> 
> Sometimes men view porn just becasue they view porn?
> 
> It's one of the 7 Deadly Sins: Gluttony.


I have to agree with Scanner guard on this - Absolutely. I am a little too much for my husband sometimes, In fact 2 men would work for me, and He still likes to view it - Playgirlish naked women online, he does not care to see the men. Doesn't bother me in the least, I am happy he is sexually minded, that works well for me! Some of us simply enjoy it and we have very full & active sex lives. 

It is truly our form of Gluttony.


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