# So what now???



## SOPHISTICATED81 (Sep 12, 2013)

Ok somy husband is back in the house, but for some reason the lies, cheating, hurt, and betrayal keeps getting the best of me. i try to change my thoughts butthe hurt just keeps flooding my mind. we have talked about the affair and the things that have gone on. I am trying to trust him but i am skeptical. i love him and he has apologized many times, changed his number, and we have been trying to move forward. I just cant seem to get over the hurt. i keep thinking that the past is going to reapeat itself. I am unsure of everything and I dont know why. I dont know how to change my thought patterns. I dont know how to move past the betrayal. I just feel stuck. Am I torturing myself? If anyone has gotten past an affair and worked it out, i would love a response.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can't trust him, trust is gained. You also can't exepect things to be like before. Things are different you both need to acknowledge this. He now has to gain your trust back and you need to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SOPHISTICATED81 said:


> Ok somy husband is back in the house, but for some reason the lies, cheating, hurt, and betrayal keeps getting the best of me. i try to change my thoughts butthe hurt just keeps flooding my mind. we have talked about the affair and the things that have gone on. I am trying to trust him but i am skeptical. i love him and he has apologized many times, changed his number, and we have been trying to move forward. I just cant seem to get over the hurt. i keep thinking that the past is going to reapeat itself. I am unsure of everything and I dont know why. I dont know how to change my thought patterns. I dont know how to move past the betrayal. I just feel stuck. Am I torturing myself? If anyone has gotten past an affair and worked it out, i would love a response.


Yes it is possible to reconcile but it isn't easy.

Counselling, soon, both individual and couples is a must if possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am moving forward since May. Years of cheating on my wife's part. She finally repented and confessed everything and stopped lying for the first time, perhaps ever in our 30 years of M.

You are not stuck. You are in a phase that feels like it. Your mind is processing things and it is not pretty. The one person who can help you is the one who has hurt you. 

the past may repeat itself that is our new reality. But, as my wife told me the other night, do you want to stay focused on that? I told her I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. She asked me, haven't I shown you that I love you, and am sorry for all the pain and hurt I have caused? She said she is 100% responsible for all this. I could go on with what she said. My wife is correct but she also understands the broken trust. 

For me it is still too early to take over 3 years of cheating with several guys to trust her at this point. Building trust yes, but trusting fully, it is too early. 

She is doing all the correct things. She read a fairly lenthly paper (she keeps it in her Bible) that explains what a BS goes through and what a WS should do to fix things. 

My wife is sincere for the first time in years. Does not hesitate to anwer questions, is open with everything, emails, phone, etc. 

Some will suggest IC. I am a counselor. Maybe IC will help you if you find someone who is good in dealing with this stuff, not all are. There are several books that will help you and there are some sites online. 

Know that what you are feeling is not unique to you. There are many of us that have or are going through this.

For me, it was when my wife finally repented, and was true in her conversion, confessed to me and without hesitation answers questions and is fully accountable, apologizes and understands what i am going through, that I was able to move forward.

There are days like earlier this week where I had a set back. Nothing my wife did, but I triggered big time. My wife actually helped me through it.

You have been hurt deeply and these things do take time to heal.

Don't worry right now about trust. If your husband is true that will come as he is true in his words, actions and deeds. Again, don't worry about trust, it will be a result of his love and his truthfulness down the road, today , and the rest of his life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear you...we are about a year and a half from dd#2 and I still have many moments of anger and hurt!

This is why I like this board because I find now that if I want to talk about it to people who know about what I went thru now they tend to brush it off,,,like gee it has been a year and a half let it go already!! The folks on this board truly understand how years after anger/hurt still exists.

I still get triggers and will probably for a long time....H's EA was with an asian woman overseas so when we are out and about and I see an attractive asian woman my anxiety and insecurity goes from 1 to 10 instantly. 

Believe me I still am not 100% sure I even want to stay in this marriage....infidelity changes everything.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

My husband cheated on me and I forgave him and started trusting him again. He did it again. I wouldn't trust a cheater too much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SOPHISTICATED81 said:


> Ok somy husband is back in the house, but for some reason the lies, cheating, hurt, and betrayal keeps getting the best of me. i try to change my thoughts butthe hurt just keeps flooding my mind. we have talked about the affair and the things that have gone on. I am trying to trust him but i am skeptical. i love him and he has apologized many times, changed his number, and we have been trying to move forward. I just cant seem to get over the hurt. i keep thinking that the past is going to reapeat itself. I am unsure of everything and I dont know why. I dont know how to change my thought patterns. I dont know how to move past the betrayal. I just feel stuck. Am I torturing myself? If anyone has gotten past an affair and worked it out, i would love a response.


It takes a long time. A very long time.

The trust well, most of it will come back, but there's still a little nagging doubt.

Counselling will help. We didn't go for counselling as my wife was working as a psychologist then and we didn't want her colleagues to know what had happened.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Try to relax and take a step back. Start doing some things for yourself that you have wanted to do.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I don't know how you two are set financially, or what state you are in.

If applicable, maybe draw up a bullet proof postnup'.

Then at least if you find out that he has cheated again, it will come at a heavier cost to him...


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

you are learning to deal with your new "normal". this is the cost of R. The relationship has to be worth this new normal. It will never be what it was. You are starting over. It gets better, similar to the heavy trauma of a death to someone close to you. The sadness lessens over time but the new normal is that person is gone from your life. The man you thought you married is gone from your life, this is your new life. You will never be able to forget or feel 100% secure. Maybe you will get back to 99% some day but that is as good as it gets and that is a long way out.
Best of luck


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

It will get better through time. Your feelings are still very raw.

But its going to be a very long process. They only comfort I can give is that you are not alone and many relationships have survived infidelity. So long as you both work as a team...


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Come on here to vent. It will make you feel better ;-)


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> Come on here to vent. It will make you feel better ;-)


or it will not. Time will tell.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I used to think there was nothing that I couldn't forgive... I wish that was still the case.


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