# Spinning out of control



## Lainey12 (Oct 17, 2020)

I feel like I'm in a daze, my mind is working on overdrive. When my husband and I were together exclusively and engaged. I found out several months into my marriage that he had cheated on me. 
1. He was in constant communication with his ex fiance even two days before we officially tied the knot. He was telling her he wanted to kill himself.

2. From what I was told he was seeing other girls. His roommate said he took a girl out then me that same day. This was on one occasion. That he (his roommate knew about). 

3. He had went to Las Vegas 3 weeks before our marriage for work and I found messages between him and a prostitute. I don't know how many prostitutes he saw or who he was in contact with.

This happened last year and we married last year in December. I found all this out this year in April. He and his ex were still in contact as of march 30th and she didn't even know he was married. In april I was 2 months pregnant. So as you can guess I was so devastated and broken. Here I am thinking my husband loved me and it was all a lie. I hated him after this and I thought I could work past all this but its been several months and everytime he tells me he's sorry. I don't believe him. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again.

He told me when I found out and I'll just sum it up. To get over it, it was his past it meant nothing. He threatened to kill himself and even called his mom. In which she told me the same thing and to focus on our baby that the past is the past. I won't lie ever since that day I resent him. My hatred for him grows as the days go. I feel trapped even the good days remind me of my confinement. To his defense hes tried to change and hes a great father to our now 3 week old but I feel miserable and unhappy. 

Do cheaters ever really change? I feel like the man I thought I married was a lie. I feel I'm stuck with an imposter a shallow vessel of the man I once loved so deeply.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry you didn't get a response for such a long time.....



Lainey12 said:


> Do cheaters ever really change?


As a general rule, no. There are some outliers who are genuinely sorry they cheated, and they change. But these are the few. 



Lainey12 said:


> I feel I'm stuck with an imposter a shallow vessel of the man I once loved so deeply.


Unfortunately, you loved the imposter. Now you are stuck with the real man.



Lainey12 said:


> I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again.


There's one reason you "feel like" that.... you ARE just waiting for him to do it again. The kind of contrition required for a cheater to change only develops over long periods. Years.
That is the most likely thing that will happen. He'll find another toy, lie to her. Lie to you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SO the "I'm going to kill myself" is just a ploy to make you back down.
HE doesn't get to decide for you if you just "get over it".
If there was any chance HE would be super remorseful, guarantee that ALL of his communications/social media were open to you at ANY time, etc.. His Mom is trying to do the status quo and protect HER son, not you.
Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet? You should just to know what the plan would look like if you go that route. Marriage counseling can also be another route, but not worth it if he is still into his affair.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TJW said:


> Unfortunately, you loved the imposter. Now you are stuck with the real man.


THIS...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> "I'm going to kill myself"


Tell him ....".....make my day..."....


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Some couples can move past infidelity and eventually seem happy, but I don't know how many.

If you have interest in staying in the marriage, I'd suggest couples counseling where you agree on what is acceptable going forward and how to deal with the past.


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