# This could mean nothing or maybe not



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

From 2000 - 2002 my husband had an affair with a woman overseas. (Asian country)
When we reconciled, he gave me the passwords to his email addresses, there is only one of those that he currently still uses. I had not looked at it for years, but recently was feeling 'insecure' so starting having a look again. Nothing there of any great significance.
He also opened a facebook account recently for his business, I know the password so occasionally have a look at the messages. I was concerned that he may have been developing a crush on one of our female friends down the road.
This morning when I had a look through the emails, I noticed his latest phone bill was there & thought I would have a quick peek. I had never realized I could do this before.
Low & behold, there are a couple of calls to the country this woman came from. I had to look up the country codes to see this & to see that the 3 numbers that were called were all mobile numbers. They were not long, mostly under 5 minutes, the longest was 15 minutes and there were only 7 calls over the month.
I don't know of any reason for him to call this country, he is not going to have tax clients there that he needs to call.
I think I will have to call the numbers later to see who answers. There are no other phone bills saved in his emails & he has not set up on line for access. If I get a chance later I will go through the office to see if I can find paper copies, but I will need to get him out of the house so I can have uninteruppted access. I will aim for that this afternoon.
I am *hoping* there is an innocent explanation for this, at the moment, I am shaking. If there was any chatting going on, it would be through his phone as he has the internet on it, I can see the screen of his laptop from where I sit in the office & I have access to it easily, but the phone is always with him.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I called the numbers on the bill, 2 were answered, they sounded like the same woman.
When I politely asked to whom I was speaking, there was silence, then hang up.
I then received a text from both numbers asking who I am. i replied that I was trying to find out why this number had been called from my place, did she have a business that my husband may have contacted her about.
About 45 minutes later, my husband came in in full blown panic mode. He was hugging me, his heart was pounding like it was going to explode, he was saying over and over, I love you, I Love you, you know that don't you? I am thinking the woman texted him that I contacted her. No other reason for him to follow me around all day.
I have been playing it cool all day, I was going to talk to him last night, but one of my friends was having a break down so I had to go & calm her down. I have a busy day at work, so I will talk to him tonight.
Perhaps then I will get this moved to the CWI board, but as he knows I am on this forum & I don't want him searching on here today while I am at work, I will leave it here.
I am numb, I can't really say that I feel anything at the moment.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Aww bella... it does sound like he's guilty. I'm sorry your going through this hun. Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> I called the numbers on the bill, 2 were answered, they sounded like the same woman.
> When I politely asked to whom I was speaking, there was silence, then hang up.
> I then received a text from both numbers asking who I am. i replied that I was trying to find out why this number had been called from my place, did she have a business that my husband may have contacted her about.
> About 45 minutes later, my husband came in in full blown panic mode. He was hugging me, his heart was pounding like it was going to explode, he was saying over and over, I love you, I Love you, you know that don't you? I am thinking the woman texted him that I contacted her. No other reason for him to follow me around all day.
> ...


Bella -- Unfortunately, I think you have the situation that happened today correct.

Stay strong -- deep breaths -- stay in control.


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I agree... not good


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Have it moved to the private forum if your husband knows you post here.

He can access CWI as a lurker but not the private forum.

I'm very curious to hear the bull**** story he gives you when you out it.


----------



## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

So sorry to hear this Bella!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
I am out at the moment. I have some answers but many more questions. I will pozt update when I am home as typing on a phone is too lhard. Needless to say I am getting all the standard fare. Minamilisarion blameshifting evasion trickle truth lies etc


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I asked him straight out "Why are you calling women in the Philipines?"
He answered thus, "I love you so much it scares me. I don't want to lose you. When we were having troubles last year, I thought you were going to leave. I found this woman online & started talking to her. I am insecure, I feel like a failure"
Me: "I have said the only reason I would ever leave you if for infidelity. Why then, are you doing this?"
H: "She means nothing to me, just someone I was talking to her because I felt like a failure"
Me: "How did you find her? do you have secret email addresses?"
H: 'I Just found her, I have no secret email address, I feel like such a failure." etc
Now I don't for one minute believe there are no secret email addresses, I want full details of how he found her, what sites he is visiting, full disclosure of email address & access to his phone so I can set up an online account so that I can keep an eye on the usage thereof.
And, how the F did him betraying me by talking to another woman become all about him & his feeling like a failure? I am busting my guts to be a good wife, to support him in his business venture. Just because I am not saying every 5 minutes that he is a clever husband, does not mean he can find validation through other women.
At the moment, he is out with our son, when they come back, we are going to sit down for a frank discussion. I will lay it on the table. Complete honesty or I walk. If I feel I am being trickle truthed, I will search some more & if I find further information that has not been volunteered, I walk. If he will not agree to councelling for the obvious issues he has, I walk, I will not go through this again.
This time around, I am a much stronger person, TAM has helped to show me how to handle these situations, although I am alternating between wanting to vomit, cry & beat him to a bloody pulp.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Still lying and half truths



> How did you find her? do you have secret email addresses?"
> H: 'I Just found her, I have no secret email address, I feel like such a failure."


Doesn't make any sense. he is hiding something else. Another email account or dating profile.

Yes, he is a failure.

Good luck!!


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> I asked him straight out "Why are you calling women in the Philipines?"
> He answered thus, "I love you so much it scares me. I don't want to lose you. When we were having troubles last year, I thought you were going to leave. I found this woman online & started talking to her. I am insecure, I feel like a failure"
> Me: "I have said the only reason I would ever leave you if for infidelity. Why then, are you doing this?"
> H: "She means nothing to me, just someone I was talking to her because I felt like a failure"
> ...


I'm so sorry, Bella. SO sorry. I know what its like to have another DDay when you are supposed to be in R. Even if its just an EA, it still kills the marriage when there are rules and boundaries setup for that very horrible reason of infidelity in the past. 

What I highlighted above really struck a chord with me regarding my STBXH. It didn't matter what or how often I complimented him, showed him affection, made sure that HE felt good before he left for work in the morning...he still actively seeked out attention from other women at work. I don't think men(or women) who need that type validation will ever change, there is just something inside them that won't let them feel loved by their significant other. 

Stay strong, you have alot of support here. Be prepared for hard consequences...it sounds like he is VERY guilty and already trying to trickle truth you, blameshift...all that fun stuff. Ugh. I hate thinking about the anxiety and pain you are going through right now.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Does you husband do any traveling for work?

If your husband hasn't signed up for on-line access for his phone account(s) you should be able to do that on his behalf if you have account details. I did that with my wife's account for her mobile (I am also in the great southern land) and I use that to review all her bills.

Unfortunately with smart phones I believe that things like Skype can make the tracking of calls very difficult if not impossible. It might be time for a VAR (or two)?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I dragged more details out of him last night. There are 3 women he has been contacting, one of them is the woman he had the affair with years ago.
He kept saying that it is not an affair as it was not physical & he does not love these women. For the first time ever in my life I used the 'F' bomb. I brought up many web pages to show him he was indeed in the grip of an affair/s, including some posts here on TAM.
He then had to admit I was correct. Meanwhile, I aksed for his phone so that I could set up online access to his phone records for myself. I had to have his phone for this as the company sends a temporary password to the phone. I didn't even bother looking through it, there was plenty of time to delete everything on it. He has already told me I am not going to like the amount of texts when I do look.
As to where we go now, I have some specific ground rules in place if we are to make this work (again). These are:
1. He must get some counceling for his issues. I didn't know enough when we reconciled last time to insist on this. We tried to do it all ourselves.
2. If any of the women contact him, he must immediately tell me & we will send a no contact message. This is non negotiable.
3. If I find out more information that he has not told me, I can only conclude he has no intention of being faithful.

Today, I want to run through the addiction to validiation from other women with him. I think he needs to know he might feel a strong pull to contact them again. I also need to try again to get the details of the secret email account. He has admitted there is one, but says he closed it down. Not believable.
I also think we need to tell someone else about this, someone who can help keep him accountable. He is resisting this at the moment, I understand the shame, however, he brought it on himself.

At the moment, I am a bit raw, but I am standing strong. He did thank me for finding out, he said he was wanting to stop but did not know how.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

GotMeWonderingNow said:


> Does you husband do any traveling for work?
> 
> If your husband hasn't signed up for on-line access for his phone account(s) you should be able to do that on his behalf if you have account details. I did that with my wife's account for her mobile (I am also in the great southern land) and I use that to review all her bills.
> 
> Unfortunately with smart phones I believe that things like Skype can make the tracking of calls very difficult if not impossible. It might be time for a VAR (or two)?


He does not travel overseas for work. There has been a bit of travel lately to the town our two eldest sons & his mother live in. He also takes our youngest son with him as the trips are for karate. I can confirm he is always in this town, he stays with his mother or our boys & visits my brother there as well.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> At the moment, I am a bit raw, but I am standing strong. He did thank me for finding out, he said he was wanting to stop but did not know how.


So...if you never found out....how long would it escalate before he would stop himself? And 3 women? Him saying he was wanting to stop?? hmmm...actions Bella, actions....


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I myself had 3 d-days before I realized he was a broken human being that could never be fixed if he didn't want to. I hope you have a very different outcome. Good luck.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> So...if you never found out....how long would it escalate before he would stop himself? And 3 women? Him saying he was wanting to stop?? hmmm...actions Bella, actions....


Yes, there will be actions. I just need time to process this. I am not going to make spure of the moment decisionsbased on my emotional state at the moment.
I also have to make sure he understands fully what he has done, because I am doubting that he has realises these were affairs. I told him last night he is now a serial cheater.
I am actually hoping he will join TAM, or at least read through posts made by others in the CWI section so that he get it in his head that this is serious.
This time, I will not rug sweep or settle for trickle truth.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Not Just Friends is a great book...

And by actions, I mean his actions are not lining up with the words that are coming out of his mouth. Actions speak louder than words.

It sounds like you are very strong and know what will and won't work when it comes to R  Good luck!!! This crap sucks!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Not Just Friends is a great book...
> 
> And by actions, I mean his actions are not lining up with the words that are coming out of his mouth. Actions speak louder than words.
> 
> It sounds like you are very strong and know what will and won't work when it comes to R  Good luck!!! This crap sucks!


Oh i get it now. Bit thick here at the moment. I am going to ask him one more time today for the details of the supposedly closed secret email account.
If he refuses to give them over, I can only conclude he has no intention of stopping contact. I will then contact all of our family & close friends & blow this affair out of the water. Not for revenge, as there are other ways of doing that, but so that they all understand why he will be removed from my life. I hope it does not come to this, but I have to have plans for any eventuality.
I have no idea how we (the kids & I) would manage without his monetary contribution to the household as I would not be elegible for any government benefits & I only have 1 child under 18 for child support purposes. He is also an accountant so can hide his income very well in trusts & companies. I do hope it does not come to this, but I do need to think of exit strategies.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did he find her via an Internet forum? If so, which one? What is its purpose?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Did he find her via an Internet forum? If so, which one? What is its purpose?


That is what I am trying to find out. No real answer, just that he was looking online at Fillopino women & found at least one there.
I have been going through his phone bills for the last 6 months this morning.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is my worst nightmare. I am SO sorry this happened to you. If it ever happens to me I hope I can be half as strong as you are.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> does not come to this, but I do need to think of exit strategies.


Plan for the worst and hope for the best; it doesn't sound good though. I hope I am wrong.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

He had an affair a couple of years ago and now he is doing it again. This time I would personally not let it slide. He will continue to do it. He didn't learn this first time and chose to do it again with 3 other woman =(


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Let me present a less appealing view on your situation. I'm known to be quite blunt, so don't confuse me for an assh0le. Ask vi_bride how unpleasant my posts can sound when you read them the first time 

You're wasting your time in trying to make an honest, happy husband out of this heavily confused person you married. He's not fulfilled by your marriage. He never will be if you keep forcing him to be honest. You're essentially mothering him at this point, and I bet he's already looking for ways around your DOs and DON'Ts. He hates you for being the way you are. Yes. He hates you, but not as much as he hates himself for allowing you to have such level of control over him.

His self-hatred is exactly what drove him towards those Asian women. This time, he will go even further into infidelity-land, just to prove to himself that you don't own him and he has control over his life.

You're only making things worse by trying to limit his options. He hates not having options and you're only giving him more reasons to hurt you later on.

He has to travel his own healing path. You can't be present while he does that. He must learn about self-worth. He has none of it right now. Serial cheaters don't know what self-worth means. They subconsciously hate themselves. Most of them live like this all their life. Some of them see the light and become self-aware, healed humans who are worthy of lifetime commitments. 

Stop living like this. Stop forcing your husband to live like this. He won't let you do this to him much longer. He will cheat on you again and then one day, he will probably simply leave.

Let him find his self-worth by letting him go.

I know...It's not easy.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Thank you for your words Synthetic, you have certainly given me things to think about.
At the moment, I am still reeling about emotionally like a drunken sailor.
I called his mother today & let her know what I had uncovered. She was disbelieiving at first & then when I told her he had confessed & I had evidence, she was shocked.
I am also going to visit a mutual friend tonight who is actually a therapist, just to talk to. I need to bounce off someone else atm.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Thank you for your words Synthetic, you have certainly given me things to think about.
> At the moment, I am still reeling about emotionally like a drunken sailor.
> I called his mother today & let her know what I had uncovered. She was disbelieiving at first & then when I told her he had confessed & I had evidence, she was shocked.
> I am also going to visit a mutual friend tonight who is actually a therapist, just to talk to. I need to bounce off someone else atm.


Let him go. Detach from him.

He will beg, cry, plead, threaten, feel like killing himself, hate you, love you, hate you again, disappear, come back... the whole shebang.

He's jailed. He's been in a jail of insecurity and depression probably since childhood. 

Until he's free, you are his cellmate.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Oh man, this is doing nothing good for my IBS.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Let me present a less appealing view on your situation. I'm known to be quite blunt, so don't confuse me for an assh0le. Ask vi_bride how unpleasant my posts can sound when you read them the first time
> 
> You're wasting your time in trying to make an honest, happy husband out of this heavily confused person you married. He's not fulfilled by your marriage. He never will be if you keep forcing him to be honest. You're essentially mothering him at this point, and I bet he's already looking for ways around your DOs and DON'Ts. He hates you for being the way you are. Yes. He hates you, but not as much as he hates himself for allowing you to have such level of control over him.
> 
> ...


Synth - great post. I don't want to hijack a thread but this post helped me out this morning. Lots of things in here I needed to be reminded of about serial cheaters. 

The "mothering" thing struck something big. I remember STBXH telling me he can't live with rules b/c his mother always made him follow rules. So following the rules we had about our marriage made him want to flirt and reach out even more with women at work. 

Bella - hang in there. Glad to see you are talking to family and friends for support. It's going to be a difficult road, no matter if you stay or leave. The emotions will be raw and painful...but you probably realize all that.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> The emotions will be raw and painful...but you probably realize all that.


Emotionally, I think I have shoved those all in a box marked 'Don't go there.'
My friend, the therapist, asked me last night how I was feeling, I had no answer, I don't think I am feeling.

WH had a good session with a pastor friend last night. This guy has known me before we were married & has known WH for about 17 years, so he has been an observer of our relationship for many years. WH did tell me what they talked about later. They will continue to meet on a regular basis.

Going forward, we will stay together for the time being. I have pointed out many flaws in his thinking and told him he is 100% responsible for his actions. 

I have told 2 people about the affair, his mother & my friend. Both asked how our sex life was. These cyber affairs were nothing to do with sex, in this case, it was him seeking validation & wanting to feel needed. Our sex life is good, at the worst, it is a minumum of twice a week, normally a bit more. 

There are things I need to address in me & I will be doing that, however, WH has the bigger responsibility of sorting his stuff out & showing me that he is capable of sustained change.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Oh man, this is doing nothing good for my IBS.


My IBS went crazy at the time of my wife's affair. Never made the connection before, though.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> I have told 2 people about the affair, his mother & my friend. Both asked how our sex life was.


WTF?!?! This really pisses me off, when this is the first thing out of someone's mouth when you tell them your spouse cheated. Especially if your spouse is a man. They just assume that you drove them to it by not putting out in the bedroom. Grrrrrr.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

so sorry bella ((()))


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Bad day at work today. Just to compound my misery. Had a major temper tantrum at a property manager that was critizing my work & stormed off. Now there is a big deal going on.
It is all doing my head in!


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. My work was severely affected by my wife's EA, but I am lucky enough to work from home and not have to deal with people face (just voice to voice). I can't imagine how difficult it must be to concentrate and keep work separate from what is going on in your private life. Is your work such that you could let a boss or someone know that you have some private issues to work through in order to receive some slack for a little while or are you just going to have to grin and bear it?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

GotMeWonderingNow said:


> Sorry to hear that. My work was severely affected by my wife's EA, but I am lucky enough to work from home and not have to deal with people face (just voice to voice). I can't imagine how difficult it must be to concentrate and keep work separate from what is going on in your private life. Is your work such that you could let a boss or someone know that you have some private issues to work through in order to receive some slack for a little while or are you just going to have to grin and bear it?


I have 2 jobs, this particular one yesterday, I am covering for the boss as she has some major problems of her own going on. It is a small family run company.

My second job is for my WH, so he is well aware of what is going on!


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Everyday we work through more issues. I am not allowing him 'stinking thinking' & will pull him up. 

There have been issues going back to when we R 10 years ago. I did not know enough then & too much rug sweeping went on. It suddenly became clear that I was his plan B for back then, when things started going south with the OW. I asked him if this was the case, that he was scared of being alone so he jumped back into our relationship. He had to answer in the affermative.

He says he fell in love with me all over again during the last 10 years, but was so scared the whole time that it would all fall apart again. These abandoment issues stem back to his childhood, his father walked out on the family when he was 7, the father was also physically abusive. He has never seen his father again, but what makes that hard is that his father is a famous artist in the top 10 Australian artists. In his father's bio, he makes no mention of his first family. How hard is it to know your own father has wiped his life of 3 kids. WH is the eldest. This is the major issue that has to be dealt with.

i told him, that of the approximately 11 million men in Australia, I chose him, I choose to be married to him. Get that into his thick skull, I am not here because I am dependant on his money or his companionship. I am here, with him, because I chose to be. That seemed to be a revalation to him.

The pastor who counceled him the other night had some good suggestions we are going to put into practice, we do need to spend more time together & we do need to feel safe to raise emotional issues.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Trust. A spouse really has no idea how important it is until lost. Sometimes the random thoughts that come into my head floor me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> These abandoment issues stem back to his childhood, his father walked out on the family when he was 7, the father was also physically abusive. He has never seen his father again, but what makes that hard is that his father is a famous artist in the top 10 Australian artists. In his father's bio, he makes no mention of his first family. How hard is it to know your own father has wiped his life of 3 kids. WH is the eldest. This is the major issue that has to be dealt with.


No offence intended, but that shouldn't be an excuse. Too many people, IMHO, point to tough childhood and/or other issues as an excuse for delinquency and/or bad behavior as adults. It can be a reason, yes, but not an unquestionable excuse. It's just as easy to use something like that as a positive motivator as it is to use it as an excuse. Don't let your husband off because of this! 

As an example, my father walked out on my family when I was 5 or 6. He was abusive and used to beat up my mother infront of my sister and I. One day my sister was choking and he sat idly by as she almost died; my mother had to run across the street to get a neighbor to help. My mother has told me other horrific stories now that my father is dead; I have a feeling that I have a lot of repressed memories waiting to come out. After leaving my family my father never wanted to know his first family again either, but was happy enough to set up another and be proud of his new daughter overseas.

Yes, this kind of thing affects different people in different ways, but I have used this experience to try to be the BEST father I can be. I don't want to be like my father and I don't ever want to put my kids through anything like that and won't ever consider doing anything that could even remotely increase the risk of that happening.

Anyway, I wish you the best for the future.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Oh I definately don't accept it as an excuse & I told WH this. He is 100% responsible & he made poor choices.
I understand that he has a reason for feeling the way he did/does, however, I accept no excuses for his bad behaviour.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

One of the suggestions made by the counsellor was that we need to go through a 'courtship'. When we got back together 10 years ago, it was basically straight back into family life and as mentioned before, the affair was just rug swept.

So, we are going to do that. Last night we went to see a movie & then went & sat by the beach afterwards. I think we have talked more & more openly in the last 5 days than we have in the last 24 years.

Maybe now we do have a chance at a real marriage, the one that I actually thought we did have.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> One of the suggestions made by the counsellor was that we need to go through a 'courtship'. When we got back together 10 years ago, it was basically straight back into family life and as mentioned before, the affair was just rug swept.
> 
> So, we are going to do that. Last night we went to see a movie & then went & sat by the beach afterwards. I think we have talked more & more openly in the last 5 days than we have in the last 24 years.
> 
> Maybe now we do have a chance at a real marriage, the one that I actually thought we did have.


I hope things do get back on track for you. Have you asked him for complete transparency? e.g., passwords to e-mail accounts, facebook etc?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

GotMeWonderingNow said:


> I hope things do get back on track for you. Have you asked him for complete transparency? e.g., passwords to e-mail accounts, facebook etc?


Yes, I already had the passwords to the email accounts I knew & the facebook one was easy for me to work out. I HOPE I have the lot now. Since it has only been a week since I discovered the EAs, I still have my moments of wondering if I have been told everything.

Things have different this last week. I am hopeful that we can recover from this, that H can be the husband I thought he was.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Bit all over the place today. I have the woman H had an affair with many years ago on my facebook, I have for years. She was one of the ones he was communicating with, although not as often as one of the other women.
She has put up a soppy poem today about true love & how it is not perfect, it is forgiving, it is remembering special times together. I am probably torturing myself by having her as a friend, but if I unfriend her, I cannot see what she is doing..
Most days I am fine, but today, I am struggling with the whole 'Why?' question. 
Why, when I thought we were doing so well, our sex life was good, the only issue I could not seem to get to the bottom of was why H was not really talking to me. Now he talks to me all of the time & the phone is out in the open, where I can pick it up anytime I should get the urge to do so.
Like I said, bit all over the place today.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Bit all over the place today. I have the woman H had an affair with many years ago on my facebook, I have for years. She was one of the ones he was communicating with, although not as often as one of the other women.
> She has put up a soppy poem today about true love & how it is not perfect, it is forgiving, it is remembering special times together. I am probably torturing myself by having her as a friend, but if I unfriend her, I cannot see what she is doing..
> Most days I am fine, but today, I am struggling with the whole 'Why?' question.
> Why, when I thought we were doing so well, our sex life was good, the only issue I could not seem to get to the bottom of was why H was not really talking to me. Now he talks to me all of the time & the phone is out in the open, where I can pick it up anytime I should get the urge to do so.
> Like I said, bit all over the place today.


Being all over the place is probably going to happen every now and then for a while.

Does the fact it was multiple women make it better or worse for you? I tend to think that being multiple women it is a personal issue for him more than him finding something in a specific woman that he can't let go. My twisted way of rationalizing things then leads me to believe that this would be easier to accept, but I guess it depends on how much attention he paid to each.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

GotMeWonderingNow said:


> Being all over the place is probably going to happen every now and then for a while.
> 
> Does the fact it was multiple women make it better or worse for you? I tend to think that being multiple women it is a personal issue for him more than him finding something in a specific woman that he can't let go. My twisted way of rationalizing things then leads me to believe that this would be easier to accept, but I guess it depends on how much attention he paid to each.


Yes and no. We talked again tonight. He said the fact that they were overseas made it seem safe to him. Nothing was ever going to come of it. He says the fog describes it totally & the fact that he has been sick recently might have been due to trying to keep everything together & hidden. We have noticed a dramatic improvement in his health since it all came out.
I guess the fact that there were 3 women does mean he was not too committed to any of them. At least I now feel safe to tell him when I feel upset & he me.


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Hey I have a question... does having access to his accounts and phone and befriending the woman he had the affair with make you feel more secure? The reason I ask is because of his behavior...he still communicated knowing full well u had access to his accounts... 

Befriending her on facebook so u can see what she is saying is torture...she can play with your mind and has full control to post devilishly whenever she feels ....she knows you're looking and reading every single word she posts

Its like youre thinking that having open access and befriending her is going to stop him from cheating....but you knowing his passwords still didn't change his behavior...you may have caught it before it went too far again


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

He had the PA 10-12 years ago. I friended her about 2 years ago, when I joined FB. I don't actually have her posts come up automatically on my page, but today I just decided to have a look at her page.
He has had FB for about 1 month & does not have her or any of the women as friends.
As to whether it makes me more secure, I don't know. In this day & age, it is too easy to have secret email accounts & you can check them through a phone & leave no footprint behind.
We are both working our trust issues and I would say, we are getting better. H said to me today that he finally feels like we are going he has always hoped for & a large part of that is him trusting that I do love him & am not just going to leave one day.


----------

