# Fed Up And Looking For Some Help!



## MrsV84 (Sep 16, 2012)

I've put off finding a site/forum like this, because I never wanted to admit that I was in a situation that I didn't know how to mitigate or make better. But, I'm now willing to take some constructive criticism and receive some sound advice. 

My husband and I have been married for four years now. We met while I was in the Air Force, and were married four months after we met. While I understand that some folks might think this was rushed, I knew in my heart that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - and I still feel this way. However, we've hit some bumps in the road.

Because I feel that this might have had some impact, I need to share some of my husband's background. His parents were divorced when he was 14 years old (father got custody), and when his mother decided to take time out of her new-found freedom and partying ways, she'd stop by for a quick 10-minute visit. To sum it up, after the divorce, my husband's mother wasn't in the picture very often again until his mid-20s. Therefore, he had to deal with a very demanding father who demanded excellence - nothing wrong with this necessarily, unless you factor in that my husband couldn't do ANYTHING right which would satisfy his father. My husband ended up turning to drugs when he was 15 years old, and didn't get clean again until seven years later. As a matter of fact, I was with him through his methadone withdrawal - being with me convinced him to become clean entirely. I trust my husband completely when it comes to staying sober. I have no doubt that he won't use again. However, I believe that the seven years that he was an addict changed him completely, and hindered the normal growth in maturity that he SHOULD have been experiencing during that timeframe. They say that whatever age you started using drugs is the age (mentally) that you'll be and act when you finally get clean. I absolutely believe this to be true.

My husband is in landscaping, so work isn't always 100% steady - whether it's due to snow or rain. We moved to a different state after my job relocated in 2011, and he is JUST now working a steady job after almost a year and a half. Yes, the economy is rough. It's even rougher when you don't look for a job in the first place. I would spend so much time asking him to job hunt, which would result in him getting angry with me because I was "nagging". When he would look, it would be on Craigslist, or some other site equally as easy to search...I come from a background of "do what you gotta do to survive". If he couldn't find anything online, it was an "oh well" situation, and that would be the end of that. So, on top of my full-time job, I decided to go back to school full-time...one of the reasons is because with my G.I. Bill from the military, I qualified for a housing allowance by taking 12 or more credits. Both working and going to school full-time is a lot of work - made even more difficult when you have several disc herniations and compressions in your back, like I do (got hurt almost 10 years ago in boot camp). The only reason that he found his current job is because I angrily confronted him one day, and said that he needed to be searching for a job...every...single...day. Why should I have had to push him to do this though? Isn't it an adult responsibility, to find a job and to take care of your family? His lack of concern with this has forever seeded some resentment inside of me. 

The bottom line here is that I feel alone. I work, go to school, pay all of the bills, take care of our dogs and keep the house clean. We don't have kids yet (thank god), but I can imagine taking care of them would be all on me too. Before anyone advises that I hand things over to him, let me mention that I have tried this. My husband procrastinates beyond belief - I'll ask him to do the dishes after dinner (that I cooked) one evening, and he'll say "alright, I'll do them before bed". Two days later, they're still sitting there. I can only go on for so long before I take care of it out of hygienic necessity! He'll sit in front of the TV playing his video games, and god forbid I try talking to him or saying something while he's playing - I'll get screamed at as a response. We've addressed this issue, and he is trying to work on it, I'll give him that. I grew up in a household where high/angry octave was all my father knew - to hear this coming from my husband causes me to immediately withdrawal. My husband seems to have a lot of anger - an event that might cause someone to react "normally" isn't the case with my husband. A perfect example is if I put his dirty towel in the hamper for ME to throw in the laundry, and forget to put a new one in the bathroom for him. Instead of kindly asking me to grab him one, he throws a complete FIT and gets angry at me. He'll yell, "COME ON! Are you effin KIDDING ME?!?!" or something to that effect.

I've made life so completely easy on him - I'm to the point now where I just handle all of the housework (when my back allows), but the one thing I absolutely REFUSE to do is to take care of his cat - his sole job now is to clean the litter box. Every Saturday, I'll ask him, nicely, to scoop out the litter. His response, short-tempered, is "Okayyyy babe"...like I had already asked him a million times to do this. So, I won't say anything...and the litter will sit. And sit. And sit. And by that time, it's now the following Saturday and it's still not done. It's things like this that cause me to eventually blow a gasket and lose my temper with him over the slightest thing, and then he doesn't know where it's coming from. If I ask him more than once to do something...over a several hour period, I'm now "nagging". I'm so frustrated, and don't know what to do. When he wasn't working, it was even worse...I'd clean the house over the weekend, and come Monday when I'd get home after work, he'd be sitting in front of the TV and the house would be a mess. Something as simple as throwing away paper plates/water bottles is beyond him. I'd come home to a sink full of dishes and overflowing garbage. I began making a chore list for him (which he suggested), and more often than not, those specific chores would be on there. So what's the point then?

My husband can be completely confusing in his anger. Now that he has started a new job, I'm the one that has to alter my morning schedule around that. Keep in mind that we have two bathrooms - one is in the master bathroom. Well, I woke up at 6:30am one day last week, and he had woken up at 6:00am. He was sitting on the couch when I woke up, as it takes him a half hour or so to wake up. That's understandable. What isn't understandable is what happened next. I go to the master bathroom and start getting ready...he comes in to do the same. I patiently wait for him to get done. He then asks me to "get out". I said "you know I have to take a shower this morning". He responds, "SO DO I!! I have to leave for work in 20 minutes!!!" And it somehow turned in to my fault, and he threw a complete temper tantrum. Now, we don't use the shower in our other bathroom because the shower head offers no water pressure...but he had also just taken a shower before bed eight hours before! I patiently reminded him that he had already been up for a half hour, and why is he now waiting until I'm up to take a shower? His response was, "It doesn't matter!! You KNOW it takes me a half hour to get up in the morning!!" Andddd of course, I lost my temper. My feeling is, why the hell am I being screamed at?!?!? He's acted like a huge baby in the mornings before, but nothing like this.

I'm always concerned about money, and the lack thereof. I asked him one night if he felt bad about the fact that I have to work and go to school full-time to support us (this is a bitter subject for me), and his response was, "Well it sucks, but I don't feel bad because it's not my fault". For some reason, this really upset me. I felt like I was giving it 110%, and he wasn't even trying. Isn't marriage 50/50? It sure isn't with mine. I asked him once if he'd take over the bills for me, and he said "Sure, fine. If you want them to not get paid, go ahead"...he's so absent-minded that I believe him. 

My husband is also completely selfish, without even realizing it. I got a brand new car last year, and he constantly wanted to drive it everywhere. Now, mind you, I'm not selfish in the slightest - however, it was MY new car...a car that only takes premium gas, at that. He had the spare key, and would just get in and drive it everywhere he went, without even letting me know. He went to drive my car to his friend's house one night and I said "No, you can take your truck". And he absolutely exploded at me, and said I was the most selfish person he'd ever met in his life. Are you kidding me? He's like this with everything - I'll get something brand new, and he commandeers it. He has realized that he does this, and has no clue why. What is mine, becomes his. 

I understand that people may not think our problems are as significant as others...however, there's much more to the story, but I don't want to bore everyone. I basically just need some guidance. I feel like I've tried just about everything, and can't get that 50% out of him that's needed in a marriage. He knows how back-breaking house work is for me - literally - because of my back problems. I feel that the fact that he was able to do as he pleased when he was younger, including the absence of his mother, has encouraged the laziness and lack of respect for others. I just don't know how to mitigate this...notice I didn't say "change" my husband, because I would never want to change someone, especially since I know it's not possible. What scares me is that his mother once told me that the reason she divorced my husband's father was due to his procrastination. I think something else that bothers me is that if and when it benefits my husband, it somehow gets done immediately. Installing his new car stereo? Within two days. Installing my stereo in my old Jeep? Still in the box, and stayed in the box until I sold my Jeep last year. We had the equipment for 11 months. My new car? He turned the wheel too sharply and hit the curb when he tried to pull into a parking spot...this has left my rim pretty badly scratched up. He bought sandpaper to fix it last June...over a year ago, and it's still not fixed. When I asked him when he was fixing it, back in February, his response was, "Yeah babe, it's not warm enough yet". When I asked him two weeks ago, his response was, "Oh okay, I guess I'll just quit my job so I have time to fix your wheel". It's almost like he COMPLETELY negates all responsibility. If I had done that to his truck, I'd get it fixed immediately - I'd feel so guilty!

Our wedding anniversary was last week. We decided to go out to dinner, which is all that we could really afford. He turned to me in the car and said, "I know what I want for an anniversary present. There's a new videogame that's only 30 bucks." I said "Well I wish I could get it for you, but we can't really afford it right now until the beginning of October". And just several days before, he said "I wish we had money so I could buy you a present". So, I found it really weird the other night when I got home from school (almost 9:30 at night) and he immediately said, "I love you SO much, babe". Most people would think this was sweet, but I knew something was up because he's not romantic or affectionate at all. Well he kept saying this for the next 20 minutes, and I said "Okay, what's going on?!" Then I turned and looked and saw that new videogame sitting on the counter. I felt so upset - not only had I said that we couldn't afford anything right now, but he had mentioned how he "wished we had money" so he could buy me a present - but goes and buys this game, instead? He still doesn't understand why I was so upset.

Lastly, this morning is what really pulled the trigger on my decision to post this. I told him yesterday that I would need some help around the house (laundry, dishes, taking care of the dogs, etc) because I had a lot of homework to do. And to just give you an idea of the workload, I spent 11 hours yesterday doing it and I'm still not done - exciting! I simply said yesterday, "I'm going to need your help with the dishes, don't forget". So today, he was on the computer and I came in to remind him to take care of the cat litter and his laundry...and of course I got yelled at. I told him really nicely, so that he couldn't view it as nagging or nasty. His response? "You're really annoying right now!!!" Completely YELLING. I bit my tongue but it was hard. Once I mentioned the dishes, he said, "WAIT. You said HELP you with the dishes...not that I had to DO THEM ALL!!" What?!?! I swear I'm not making this up. I lost my temper at this point and said how can you expect me to do everything, and why WOULDN'T you take the initiative to do this when you know I have a ton of homework?! I don't make messes by myself...and I was under the impression that when you LOVE someone, you don't mind helping them out. So, I ended up doing the dishes to get them done, to avoid a fight. He comes out and says, "Why did you do the dishes?" I reply, "It's easier than fighting with you". He replied, "Well if you were going to do them why'd you bother even mentioning it". 

I'm sorry for the length of this "complaint", if you will, but it's been a long time coming. I guess the bottom line is that I've spoken to him about how I feel, and he doesn't realize he's like this. Matter of fact, we have had more conversations than I can count...I've realized my issues and have been actively working on them, and he's aware of his but does nothing to adjust. I'm at my boiling point. I've been patient, I've been kind, but I need a new way to show some tough love. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I feel disrespected, and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders...and possibly like I already have a child. I just want to be treated like a wife who is loved by her husband and adored, and also want to feel like I have a partner in life that shares the weight of the world. I've done everything, but don't necessarily agree with others that advise making a big deal out of it when a husband does a chore...if I felt that way and pursued it, my husband would have no time to do anything else but thank me. 

Thanks in advance for any advice...it's appreciated! Again, sorry this was so long


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

There is a lot here to digest. I'm a man and since this is posted in the ladies lounge, I am assuming you're looking for a woman's advice. If not, you might ask the mods to move this to the general relationship section (or addiction section).

I do have one question. Is your H in counseling? You said he had a significant drug addiction but has recovered. But it still sounds like he has lots of issues. You can't "fix him", he has to want to do that himself.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

You married a little boy. And after four months knowing him. Why did you do that? You have no kids, right? Then leave the little boy, then get into therapy and fix the problems that would cause you to marry such a little boy. Then after time, find a real man.

You seem to be seduced by rescuing a broken little boy. Perhaps you think love is enough, that love conquers all. Well, it does not, and in fact love is pitifully not enough.

You have thrown your life away. The good news is that it is not too late to get it back, get on track, and find a real man, but not until you work out the issues in your own life; that would cause you to marry such a loser.

Don't bother with marital counseling. This marriage is not worth saving. It was a big mistake, and a very stupid one because you settle for crumbs. Just leave, and work on yourself. 

Otherwise, to stay is to continue to be your little boy's Mommy!!!!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

You've been caring for your husband for four years now. He gets away with what he's been allowed to get away with.

As he's behaving like a kid you need to treat him like a kid. You're going to have to invoke some tough love measures. Draw up a list of expectations and consequences for not meeting those expectations...and follow through if he doesn't. He'll fight it every step of the way with every weapon in his arsenal; yelling, sulking etc. You have to decide whether you're prepared to endure that with the hope he will change...or decide to cut your losses.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Your post stinks of passive aggressive behavior. or just extremely lazy.

To put this into context of what I "understand".. my husband had a different childhood too. He spent 10 years of his childhood fighting off leukemia that kept coming back. So naturally his family gave him whatever he wanted, he wasn't expected to even live and yeah nobody taught him much about being responsible. 

And I married him knowing that. 

But I read a lot about PA behavior. I suggest you do the same. Google it. 

The bottom line is it is never too late to learn how to cope with life. Excuses are just that. You can learn how to NOT enable him. You can learn when to let the small stuff go. You can learn how to help his confidence return to a point to where he is comfortable TRYING to do what is right. 

But the most important thing you can do is for yourself.
Set your boundaries. 
Know what your purpose in life is, and stick to it. 

He will either follow your lead, or he will choose to wallow in his excuses and never move forward.

It's not about being mad, or pissed off about the dishes. It's about having CLEAR rules about life. This is your job. This is my job. Do your part. This is a partnership, not a free ride.To pull this off, you will have to swallow your resentment, accept the small victories as they come, and focus more on yourself, not what he isn't doing.

The whole aspect of PA behavior is to make you mad, distract you from the real problem. You are so stunned and disgusted that he wouldn't do the dishes until it was a health issue, that you didn't notice his pride was hurting from not working. It's screwed up. But it works very well !!!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

deejov said:


> Your post stinks of passive aggressive behavior. or just extremely lazy.
> 
> To put this into context of what I "understand".. my husband had a different childhood too. He spent 10 years of his childhood fighting off leukemia that kept coming back. So naturally his family gave him whatever he wanted, he wasn't expected to even live and yeah nobody taught him much about being responsible.
> 
> ...


And having learned out to deal with PA behavior, is the marriage worth it? My wife would divorce me if I did the PA dance, and not care to find ways to work with me, and I don't blame her. I would think a woman would want a mature, considerate, responsabile stand-up guy instead of being married to a lazy PA dancing little boy. What keeps you from leaving him?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> And having learned out to deal with PA behavior, is the marriage worth it? My wife would divorce me if I did the PA dance, and not care to find ways to work with me, and I don't blame her. I would think a woman would want a mature, considerate, responsabile stand-up guy instead of being married to a lazy PA dancing little boy. What keeps you from leaving him?


It's not so much that I find ways to work with it... I accept my own PART in it by being an enabler. It has forced me to enforce my boundaries, I have become a much happier person because of it. 

The rest? He's simply not allowed to be PA with me. It gets him nowhere. If he doesn't do his part, there is no relationship. And no excuses.

It's enlightening to watch someone grow. It's digusting to watch them wallow in their own pity. I wouldn't do the latter.


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