# Father's Day offences



## WorkingOnMe

Were you wronged today? How did it go down? I have a little list. 

My wife bought cards for my dad and her dad. She made sure the whole family signed them. But no card for me. 

She mentioned the day once as an after thought. "Oh ya, happy Father's Day". 

The kids never mentioned it at all. Not one word. 

She posted a more sincere happy Father's Day on Facebook to her friends. My sister in law was the only other one to say anything to me. In a group text. 

For dinner, she made her favorite dish. Chicken Parmesan which is something I just tolerate. Far from a favorite. For Mother's Day I took her to the nicest restaurant in town. 

All this at a time we're supposedly doing better. She's giving up sex more often but days like today I just feel unappreciated and taken for granted.


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## RClawson

That is complete BS from start to finish.


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## briansmith

i got treated like an after thought today as well. kids had no idea it was fathers day but the wife did. About 3 years ago she had an EA with a married man online, old school buddies. Well i made discovery around fathers day through email where she wished him a happy fathers day and told him what a great dad he was and i got nothing. Well ever since then its been **** and she always says she is too busy at work to do anything till its a little to late in the day, afterthought dont cut it.


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## Thound

No card nice gift. She initiated last night, but wished she didnt. No passion just wanted to get it over with. I have just about had enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

I can count on one hand the number of times I have been recognized by my children on Father's Day. I have a girl, 27 and a boy, 22. My daughter is married and has two children. My son is single. I paid their child support for 16 years. I wasn't always available for my children. They are still mine. It wasn't all my fault. There are many factors involved. Make a stand for what you believe. Don't give up easily. You won't be sorry no matter the outcome.


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## Amplexor

Father's day 2007. 

Looking for some early morning.....

"The thought of you touching me like that repulses me!"

Top that!


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## Thound

Amplexor said:


> Father's day 2007.
> 
> Looking for some early morning.....
> 
> "The thought of you touching me like that repulses me!"
> 
> Top that!


Are you still with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

I got nothing also. What I really wanted was peace....wife couldn't even give me that. Just more fighting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

great day for me, start to finish

sorry to hear it sucked for you


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## WorkingOnMe

Amplexor said:


> Father's day 2007.
> 
> Looking for some early morning.....
> 
> "The thought of you touching me like that repulses me!"
> 
> Top that!


Ouch. I did at least get laid.


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## Anon Pink

WorkingOnMe said:


> Were you wronged today? How did it go down? I have a little list.
> 
> My wife bought cards for my dad and her dad. She made sure the whole family signed them. But no card for me.
> 
> She mentioned the day once as an after thought. "Oh ya, happy Father's Day".
> 
> The kids never mentioned it at all. Not one word.
> 
> She posted a more sincere happy Father's Day on Facebook to her friends. My sister in law was the only other one to say anything to me. In a group text.
> 
> For dinner, she made her favorite dish. Chicken Parmesan which is something I just tolerate. Far from a favorite. For Mother's Day I took her to the nicest restaurant in town.
> 
> All this at a time we're supposedly doing better. She's giving up sex more often but days like today I just feel unappreciated and taken for granted.



That is inexcusable! Just disgraceful!

How old are your kids? if they are over the age of 4 they can certainly draw you a picture, if they are over the age of 10 they can certainly write you a note or card. If they are over the age of 16, only because 12-16 ish are extremely selfish years where they have to be re taught the golden rule, they can be held responsible for upholding the tradition of recognizing the importance of their father in their lives! Disgraceful!

I suggest you calmly, without anger or hurt, ask them how they'd feel if you completely ignored their birthday? You kids seem to think being supported by Dad is their just due and they need not recognize just how miserable their little lives would be if you were not a part of it. Don't allow this to go unnoticed. If your wife is going to treat you like crap, that doesn't mean you should sit by and allow your kids to emulate her behavior and attitude.


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## Almostrecovered

I'll probably get lambasted for this but I would make it clear to your wife and kids that you felt very hurt by their lack of actions on Father's day (depending on the kids' ages, younger kids it's more of Mom's place to get them to do stuff)


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## Caribbean Man

Sorry to hear about that man.

I have no kids, but I can imagine just how painful that feels.


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## WorkingOnMe

The kids are 10, 12 and 16. I keep reading that its not good to be seen as whiny or needy. Anyway if they do anything after I mention it, it doesn't mean anything. Actually means less to me.


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## Thound

WorkingOnMe said:


> The kids are 10, 12 and 16. I keep reading that its not good to be seen as whiny or needy. Anyway if they do anything after I mention it, it doesn't mean anything. Actually means less to me.


Exactly!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

WorkingOnMe said:


> The kids are 10, 12 and 16. I keep reading that its not good to be seen as whiny or needy. Anyway if they do anything after I mention it, it doesn't mean anything. Actually means less to me.


I don't view expressing your feelings in a straight forward manner as whiny or needy. I'm not saying you get passive aggressive with it or drone on about it.

you clearly state it once and listen to what they have to say 
it was a big deal to you after all and they treated as if it was nothing. I think it warrants letting them know you were hurt by it.


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## Amplexor

Thound said:


> Are you still with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes we are still together and in a much better place. Yesterday was great.


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## ReformedHubby

That isn't right at all. Did you tell her that you feel slighted?

I'm actually not all that big on Father's day. Its supposed to be like Mother's day for men but in all honesty I don't really care about gifts like ties and cards. I think the holiday should be changed to what men really want. 

In our house we celebrate Father's night. My wife takes the kids to her parents house meanwhile I go to the adult boutique and purchase lingerie that is the opposite of classy. This is not your valentines day/anniversary day type of stuff. Its more like your traditional stripper type outfits. When she returns she puts on the outfit and for the day I get to be a complete neanderthal. It sounds really bad but she really enjoys indulging me in this way on Fathers day.


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## Almostrecovered

to me it shows strength to be able to let your loved ones know your wants and honestly express your feelings to them


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## C3156

To the OP: I agree that your day sucked, shame on your wife. However, if you did not bring up that is was an issue, shame on you.




ReformedHubby said:


> In our house we celebrate Father's night. My wife takes the kids to her parents house meanwhile I go to the adult boutique and purchase lingerie that is the opposite of classy. This is not your valentines day/anniversary day type of stuff. Its more like your traditional stripper type outfits. When she returns she puts on the outfit and for the day I get to be a complete neanderthal. It sounds really bad but she really enjoys indulging me in this way on Fathers day.


Now that is what I am talking about! I will have to remember this for next year...


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## SomedayDig

I guess I don't understand how asking for sex isn't whiny or needy but telling your wife how you feel is?


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## Thound

SomedayDig said:


> I guess I don't understand how asking for sex isn't whiny or needy but telling your wife how you feel is?


Actually asking for sex is needy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

Thound said:


> Actually asking for sex is needy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I was going to say.


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## SomedayDig

Okay...I thought you asked to have sex last night.


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## Almostrecovered

so pretending like it never hurt you will get you absolutely nowhere if you ask me

your family will continue on as if nothing is wrong and have no impetus to make changes that you need/want


Frankly, I'm too old for that sh!t and that line of thinking
I speak up if I want something. I know I can't always get what I want but if I don't ask I probably won't get it. There's nothing whiny about that in the slightest if you ask me.


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## SomedayDig

Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is your wife disrespected you and you let her. Then you came here to vent about it, which is good to do...yet, you can't tell _her_ this stuff. That doesn't sound healthy.


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## Thound

SomedayDig said:


> Okay...I thought you asked to have sex last night.


If you are reffering to me, my wife initiated, but couldnt get ot over with fast enpugh for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

SomedayDig said:


> Okay...I thought you asked to have sex last night.


No. She did. But don't confuse it with some kind of special hot Father's Day sex. It was no-foreplay middle of the road sex. Not complaint about that but I just wouldn't equate it with anything related to the day.


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## Almostrecovered

since when does emotional dishonesty mean you're alpha?


surely you can recognize the difference between being straight forward in stating your feelings and being whiny or passive aggressive?


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## SomedayDig

Thound said:


> If you are reffering to me, my wife initiated, but couldnt get ot over with fast enpugh for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I was more referring to WoM's situation. Sorry for your ordeal, though.


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## bfree

Next year plan not to be home on Father's day. Make sure you let them know that now that the status quo has been set you will be enjoying Father's day the way you want. Go fishing and/or camping with friends. Go to a movie or a strip club. Whatever you want to do. In fact I'd start with the next holiday you would normally spend with them.

BTW, I hope your father returned the Father's day card your wife gave him. If his son didn't warrant a card neither should he right?


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## WorkingOnMe

Anyway I told her this morning that I was pretty disappointed. We had a good discussion about it. She says she told each of the kids to say something and assumed they had. She's pretty pissed at them.


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## SomedayDig

WorkingOnMe said:


> No. She did. But don't confuse it with some kind of special hot Father's Day sex. It was no-foreplay middle of the road sex. Not complaint about that but I just wouldn't equate it with anything related to the day.


Well, that sucks even more, man. Sh-t, I think you need to take some time out tonight after the kids are in bed and tell her she made ya feel crappy on Father's Day. That just wasn't cool and bummed me out for ya.


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## Almostrecovered

WorkingOnMe said:


> Anyway I told her this morning that I was pretty disappointed. We had a good discussion about it. She says she told each of the kids to say something and assumed they had. She's pretty pissed at them.


well I'll be darned, being forthright can be productive


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## Thound

bfree said:


> Next year plan not to be home on Father's day. Make sure you let them know that now that the status quo has been set you will be enjoying Father's day the way you want. Go fishing and/or camping with friends. Go to a movie or a strip club. Whatever you want to do.
> 
> BTW, I hope your father returned the Father's day card your wife gave him. If his son didn't warrant a card neither should he right?


You left out Moonlight Bunny Ranch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

WorkingOnMe said:


> Anyway I told her this morning that I was pretty disappointed. We had a good discussion about it. She says she told each of the kids to say something and assumed they had. She's pretty pissed at them.


And for her own faux pas on the day???

Did she explain those?


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## bfree

WorkingOnMe said:


> Anyway I told her this morning that I was pretty disappointed. We had a good discussion about it. She says she told each of the kids to say something and assumed they had. She's pretty pissed at them.


What was her excuse?


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## WorkingOnMe

I was originally supposed to be gone most of the day with my son and was only home because we cancelled our climb due to weather. So that's why she didn't get a card or anything. As for the rest she says everyone get to screw up a day like that once and that was her day. And she apologized.


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## SomedayDig

We posted at the same time. Good that you talked about it and good that she's pissed that the kids didn't say anything!


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## Almostrecovered

Thound said:


> You left out Moonlight Bunny Ranch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


uh...no


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## Almostrecovered

WorkingOnMe said:


> I was originally supposed to be gone most of the day with my son and was only home because we cancelled our climb due to weather. So that's why she didn't get a card or anything. As for the rest she says everyone get to screw up a day like that once and that was her day. And she apologized.



which is exactly what you wanted at that point

a) recognition and validation of your feelings
b) that she will learn from her mistake and look to correct it in the future


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## WorkingOnMe

Almostrecovered said:


> which is exactly what you wanted at that point
> 
> a) recognition and validation of your feelings
> b) that she will learn from her mistake and look to correct it in the future


Ya, I can't ask for much more than that.


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## Amplexor

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ya, I can't ask for much more than that.


Not even a BJ??


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## Tall Average Guy

WorkingOnMe said:


> The kids are 10, 12 and 16. I keep reading that its not good to be seen as whiny or needy. Anyway if they do anything after I mention it, it doesn't mean anything. Actually means less to me.


I think it is just fine for you to simply state that you are disappointed that they could not do a single thing on this day. Then walk away and do your thing. No whining or neediness, just a clear communication of being disappointed in them.


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## Tall Average Guy

WorkingOnMe said:


> I was originally supposed to be gone most of the day with my son and was only home because we cancelled our climb due to weather. So that's why she didn't get a card or anything. As for the rest she says everyone get to screw up a day like that once and that was her day. And she apologized.


Um, I am not buying it. Everything got screwed up, so she forgot to even say happy father's day until the end? She went out of her way to do it for those that were important in her life. She did not for you (after all, how is she precluded from getting you a card because you would be gone for a good chunk of the day).

Unfortunately, you need to listen her actions, not her words. I am sorry this is the case.


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## samyeagar

When I asked my 15 year old daughter if she was going to come on the weekend visitation for Father's Day, her response was "No. I'll come for fathers day when you start being a father. I am embarassed to have your genetics. You are atrocious."


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## richie33

Nice...mommy must have coached her well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

LanieB said:


> Since you say you had a "good" discussion about it, WOM, maybe next year will be different for you. I'm in the same boat as you, except I'm the wife. Last year, my husband made sure I bought his mother a gift and a card for Mother's Day. Yet I didn't get a card or even a verbal "Happy Mother's Day." I was so hurt. When I did eventually say something about it, my H rolled his eyes like I was being ridiculous and whiny. This year, my kids made the day special for me without his help.
> 
> So I guess talking about it may work in some cases, but not in others. Maybe it depends on whether your spouse actually loves you. If she wasn't rolling her eyes and being defensive, that's a good sign!


At first she was defensive and pissed off. But pretty soon she was apologizing and hugging me and wouldn't let go. And she vowed to go postal on the kids when they get up.


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## Thound

By the way, I did have a great time with my boys and gs and dil. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Heck, I really dislike my ex and he NEVER takes our daughter to get anything for me (of course didn't when we were married, either). I offered when we got cards for MY dad so she picked one out. She also asked to buy chocolate for her Dad. I gave in and let her.  

It's up to parents to teach. He's teaching her I"m unimportant so it's up to ME to teach her I'm important. I told her I was disappointed she didn't even make me a card. 

There's a big difference between whiny and stating your feelings.


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## MarriedTex

It's amazing how one's own outlook shapes our perceptions on how we are treated on days like this.

This year, I was blase about the whole thing. Low expectations going in and largely matched in execution. Well wishes through the day from teen kids & wife. A little bit of down time to watch a ballgame. It was allright. Nothing sensational but not disappointed either.

Quite a different story from a decade ago for me. At that point my early June birthday had been totally blown off by family because we were on vacation at the time. No gifts, no cake, barely any acknowledgement at all because we were busy having vacation time. 

I thought to myself. Cool. No big problem. Father's Day is coming up in a couple of weeks and family can just show their appreciation at that point. Classic covert contract on my part. Big mistake in not communicating my wants/needs. Well, Father's Day rolls around. No gifts again. Certainly no "Father's Day" sex. No acknowledgement overall. To top it off, my brother's family comes over for dinner and I wind up cooking the entire dinner for nine people without any help from either wife or SIL. Probably one of the most demoralizing days of my life as I keep on happy face to not "ruin everybody's holiday." Yes, I was a low self-esteem mess at that point.

Wife and I have come a long way in our relationship this then. I've applied No More Mr. Nice Guy principles to turn the corner. But the residual resentment on that one still is pretty thick. I still rehearse in my mind how I should have handled that day differently. I don't think it's fair to revisit such ancient history so long after the fact. But that one still bugs me, no doubt.


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## Faithful Wife

WOE...I'm glad you at least told her how you felt about it.

I don't buy her response, though. When you have to coerce someone to feel bad about something (you said she at first was defensive, then felt bad) it is usually a good indication that they simply don't think about your feelings first. Which really should have been the point.

Anyway, IMO she doesn't get a "pass" just because she is sorry now.


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## COGypsy

One of the most impactful conversations I've ever had with either of my parents was with my father during my freshman year in college. The whole time I lived at home, my parents both made sure that my sister and I remembered to get cards or gifts or whatever for the various holidays. Pretty much all holidays are big for my family, especially my dad. I'm nearly 40 and I still get a card and some small thing from him for Valentine's and Easter and often a card or something for Thanksgiving or other holidays if he finds something funny. The first year on my own at school though, I didn't send anything to him--not a card, not a phone call, nothing. He called me a few days later and calmly and very straighforwardly told me that his feelings were hurt that I hadn't taken the time to recognize something that was important to him and that he would appreciate receiving the same care and consideration that he makes a point of showing.

It wasn't whiny, it wasn't needy, he wasn't asking for a mulligan--he just let me know I'd messed up and he expected me to do better next time.

Haven't forgotten a holiday since, let me tell you!


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## daffodilly

Faithful Wife said:


> WOE...I'm glad you at least told her how you felt about it.
> 
> I don't buy her response, though. When you have to coerce someone to feel bad about something (you said she at first was defensive, then felt bad) it is usually a good indication that they simply don't think about your feelings first. Which really should have been the point.
> 
> Anyway, IMO she doesn't get a "pass" just because she is sorry now.


:iagree: So what if you were going to be out climbing for the day.....you were coming back at night. And why wouldn't she wish you a Happy Father's Day first thing? Or not follow up with the kids before you mentioned it? 

Just overall sounds like she never gave you a thought. What good is it giving the kids a tongue lashing, she behaved the same way. But you sound like you're at peace with it, so hopefully she doesn't take you for granted again.


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## yellowstar

I don't know if we can good things but my husband said he had the best Father's day yet. I admittedly put the most effort in this year than ever before, maybe because I'm focusing so much now on our family/marriage etc and because I'm carrying our 2nd child now, but I did several things, some even really simple and he appreciated it all. While reading this thread it reminded me to keep his feelings in mind for the future.


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## lenzi

WorkingOnMe said:


> I was originally supposed to be gone most of the day with my son and was only home because we cancelled our climb due to weather. So that's why she didn't get a card or anything. As for the rest she says everyone get to screw up a day like that once and that was her day. And she apologized.


Sorry but that's no excuse for wife not taking the kids to get you a card and maybe a gift.

So what she apologized for her screwup. Like you said she posted a more meaningful message to people on FB. That's like a cheater apologizing for an affair as if that makes it all better. There's a strong message she's sending you and it's not a good one. 

Your kids knew it was Father's Day. Even if they had no way to go out and get you a card on their own, they could have at least said something to you along the lines of how they think you're a great dad or whatever. Kids are selfish. Maybe for their next birthday you can acknowledge them the same way they did to you.


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## working_together

Yeah, I'm not buying that either, she seemed to feel guilty after the fact, what if you had never said anything?

My two younger kids are 5 and 7, their dad and I are no longer together, but they still remembered it was Father's Day. We had talked about it during the week before they saw him on the weekend, and I asked them what they wanted to do. Sometimes the mom has to be involved somehow, or just small reminders for older kids and teens. My older son (23) actually wished is father Happy Father's Day without any reminders, and they have an up and down relationship, but he also loves his dad.

These are special days, and should be remembered.

I think it sends a pretty strong message when a special day is forgotten. I didn't bother wishing my dad a Happy Father's Day, he was never a great father, and blah, doesn't deserve crap from me. But that's a whole other story...lol


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## WorkingOnMe

I think in some ways she thought I didn't care one way or another. I had planned on being gone after all. And with just a minimum over the years I've never complained. I only complained when the day was completely ignored. In the past she'd get me a card, and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.


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## daffodilly

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think in some ways she thought I didn't care one way or another. I had planned on being gone after all. And with just a minimum over the years I've never complained. I only complained when the day was completely ignored. In the past she'd get me a card, and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.


Sounds like you're making excuses for her. Just because you're not a complainer doesn't mean you don't deserve to feel special or to be acknowledged. If anything, the fact that you don't ask for much makes it all the more important. It sends a message that you're appreciated, even if it's just a "Happy Father's Day" or a card. 
I don't know why, I think I'm especially annoyed that she couldn't even make you a dinner YOU prefer....she made her favorite instead. Maybe it's bc we see all the great pics of the food you cook


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## lenzi

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think in some ways she thought I didn't care one way or another.. In the past she'd get me a card, and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.


Ok, maybe that's something.

How did things go for your last birthday?


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## pb76no

Night & day from last year - last year being night, this year day. We went through a lot of "expression" starting last year. MC for 6 months. We both worked on thing, listened more. So this year there was effort on her part and even from the kids, which I know was her doing.

I think this year's father's day was her acknowlegment that I have been moving in the right direction, from her view. Still a ways to go on both sides. But it is nice to have progress.


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## Healer

Sounds intentionally hurtful on her part.

My FD was good but bitter sweet. My first as a single dad. The kids made me tons of stuff and the stbxw got me a nice card and some clothes.

It was an emotional day.


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## anotherguy

You said you had planned to be away that day so its not like they were going to plan a big thing for you?

_*But*_ not a word, no card? WTF. That was pretty weak. Wife dropped the ball. I assume mothers day was a big deal right? (was it?) If so - WHERE IS THE JUSTICE! "What am I chopped liver here!!??"

I feel you man. I am totally a 'dont make a big deal out of it' guy but if everyone did what I said I would be sorely disappointed. How messed up is that!

===

I'm thinking out loud to myself here not accusing you of anything - but is 'fathers day' a day to be at home? I know lots of guys want to go off and do something else like go golfing or (climbing) or something.... I know this is me not everyone else. For me growing up.. mothers and fathers day was mostly about kids inflicting breakfast in bed upon the hapless parent, and handmade cards with glitter and markers. So - I always feel like I am supposed to be at home playing 'dad' even if it feels like every other sunday at that point. I cooked dinner as usual but it was fun anyway, and the wife puttered around and didnt ask me to fix anything or do anything.

Its easy currently because the kids are young and treat me like some kind of rock star and havent learned how to hate me yet. Im sure it will happen before they hit highschool.


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## Tall Average Guy

anotherguy said:


> I'm thinking out loud to myself here not accusing you of anything - but is 'fathers day' a day to be at home? I know lots of guys want to go off and do something else like go golfing or (climbing) or something.... I know this is me not everyone else. For me growing up.. mothers and fathers day was mostly about kids inflicting breakfast in bed upon the hapless parent, and handmade cards with glitter and markers. So - I always feel like I am supposed to be at home playing 'dad' even if it feels like every other sunday at that point. I cooked dinner as usual but it was fun anyway, and the wife puttered around and didnt ask me to fix anything or do anything.
> 
> Its easy currently because the kids are young and treat me like some kind of rock star and havent learned how to hate me yet. Im sure it will happen before they hit highschool.


Except that the climbing was suppose to be with his son.


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## anotherguy

Aaaallllrighty then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares

The day wasn't celebrated the twenty years I was with my cheater. After the divorce, I found out why.
Don't know how I would feel about it if I actually fathered her two kids.


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## WorkingOnMe

I'm a climb leader with a local climbing club. The club puts on classes for basic and intermediate mountaineering. My 16 year old son is taking the basic class and he just recently qualified to climb glaciers. I was scheduled to lead a climb starting Saturday and summiting Sunday with him and 5 others. But there was high altitude lightning forecasted for Sunday morning so I cancelled the climb at the last minute on Friday.

The main thing that bothered me, and I told this to my wife, is that I feel like I do a tremendous amount with my kids as a father. More than most men I know. This weekend alone I took the 10 year old geocaching, took the 12 and 16 year olds on a 35 mile bike ride, had a camp fire in the back yard. My kids are extremely active and pretty much want for nothing. And a lot of that has to do with what I do for and with them. Then they ignore the day and it leaves me feeling like I'm not a good dad or everything I do just isn't enough. I'm a CPA and I work long hours for the 10 weeks of tax season. I've already got a bit of guilt from that. But the rest of the year we do things all the time. Boy Scouts, cycling, MTB racing, climbing, traveling.

Damn, maybe they're just spoiled brats.


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## Faithful Wife

LOL!! Mine are sure as hell spoiled brats, for sure! They are adults now but sheesh...really spoiled.

I am fairly confident that neither of my kids would have made a big deal out of mother's/father's day if it weren't for the other parent reminding them year after year to do something. By now, they don't forget but they would if we hadn't drilled it into them. 

They would never think to be thankful for anything parent-wise, they are too entitled.

Brats.

(gotta love 'em)


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## oldgeezer

One of my daughters lives far away, one was busy with post-graduation stuff with friends who won't be around. Both boys had to work. One daughter came with the wife and I and we went out to have Thai food (I love Thai food). 

That's all we did. 

I don't think I should feel slighted. This is a custom imposed by some political proclamations. It can be a big thing... or nothing... and there's no moral or other REAL implications to it. 

We have had years where it was all but ignored, we have had years where we did big things. 

It's all good, I guess.


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## Healer

samyeagar said:


> When I asked my 15 year old daughter if she was going to come on the weekend visitation for Father's Day, her response was "No. I'll come for fathers day when you start being a father. I am embarassed to have your genetics. You are atrocious."


Damn, son.


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## lenzi

samyeagar said:


> When I asked my 15 year old daughter if she was going to come on the weekend visitation for Father's Day, her response was "No. I'll come for fathers day when you start being a father. I am embarassed to have your genetics. You are atrocious."


I'm going through the same thing with my younger daughter.

If she even responds to my messages it's pretty much the same thing your daughter says to you.

I thank my exwife for that. 

We're great fathers until we get divorced then we're the scum of the earth. I wonder how that happens?


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## diwali123

I have the reverse situation. I feel like I tried really hard to make him feel special and he's just like "meh."
Got him gifts, bought him an aloe plant because he's the band aid guy and he couldn't find aloe at the store.
Got him some nice cheese and wine. He hasnt even opened the cheese. 
Last night the kids and I made a nice dinner, he had steak, we had potatoes, corn on the cob, and strawberries. The kids scrubbed the table and we put a table cloth down. 
I got ice cream too. I made the kids clear the table. 
At dinner I asked them to each think of three things they appreciate about him and it had to be specific. (not just they love him). 
He was in a bad mood all night and barely said thank you. I kept asking if he liked his fathers day dinner and he was just like "it's ok".
I know we are both stressed but come on.

Oh also I got a card for the kids and I wrote in a blank card how much he means to all of us, etc etc. 
I don't get it.


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## KFS

Perhaps the kids were just thoughtless, as kids can sometimes be. I'm not excusing their lack of recognition for you on Father's Day, but I'm sure deep down you are their hero.


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## doubletrouble

Amplexor said:


> Not even a BJ??


I was pretty much counting on that on FD, never happened. Not even close. Haven't had sex in a week anyway, but thought she'd give that a shot. Damn  

Gonns start getting those SRHes again (old joke - sperm retention headaches).


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## Catherine602

I wonder what would happen if you slowly stopped doing all the extra's for and with them? They don't appreciate what the have therefore they feel no need to make a big deal out of a great dad. 

Think about it. They know you will be there no matter how much they ignore you. What if you started to pull away. Give as much as you get. 

That's not weak or beta, it's having self respect and knowing your value. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Allowing bad treatment is not a show of stregth. 

If my kids did not show their appreciation of their father, there would be hell to pay in this house. Everybody gets their day, including dad and husband. 

Not in obvios ways. Slowly over time. Do your fair share but maybe less elaborate celebrations of BD. If a holiday for dad is no big deal then it might become a family tradition to downplay BD's, mothers day, ect. 

I don't think this is passive aggressive. I think it is withdrawing what is not appreciated. I think kids not honoring their father on his day is disrespectful. 

I disagree that telling them is needy. They need to grow into adults that think of others not themselves. You are responsible for making them grow in that direction. 

If they are entitled adults they will not make out very well. You can present tge reason that BD celebrations will be low key is to teach them to think of others. 

Instead of BD gift, plan a day of volunteering. Doing for others. Tell them they are old enough and have enough resources to share their good fortune. 

this will be good for you WOM. You are a man with a plan, a leader. I think teaching them to appreciate what they have and to honor their parents is the sign of a leader. You take the responsibility as a man to mold your kids. 

Even if you don't go this route, don't let this pass. You have kept yourself in the background too long. Get out in front and fvcken roar is my advice. You are a great dad there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids to appreciate what they have. YOU.


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## mineforever

Shame on all those wives and kids that forgot Dad's on Fathers Day! Big "virtual" hugs to all of you!!! Big Daddy celebrated all weekend...it was his big weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

Wife said she didn't have time to get a card. I got her card a week before mothers day. I wanted a heartfelt message more than anything. Oh well maybe next year. I know I'm too sensitive for a man.


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## Ano

What about a wife that made an effort and it went unappreciated?

My hubs is a volunteer firefighter. He works as a paramedic and volunteers for the fire department. Volunteer-as in not mandatory to go everytime his radio goes off. There are like 40 guys and first 4 to station get to go on the call. Oh and because he was putting the fire station before his family, he agreed to not go on the weekends when we are home. 

We have a 4 year old and he was super eager to give dad his gifts so we did that Saturday night instead of Sunday. We (my son and I) made a homemade card. Our son painted him a coffee mug that you bake in the oven to seal the paint. Hubs is a coffee drinker so it was really cute. We got him a new wallet and a set of 21 different beers from all around the world (he's a beer lover). To go with his beer I got him a beer mug that I had engraved with his name and fire department. We also baked him 3 dozen of his favorite cookies. 

He was excited, mostly about the beer. Lol

Sunday morning I got up early and hung paper ties that my son and I cut out and decorated and wrote each letter to 'happy father's day' on each one. 

I then proceeded to make homemade sausage biscuits and gravy. His radio went off during this and he left to the fire department. By the time he got home, breakfast was cooked and my son and I had already eaten. He ate when he got there and I let it go and didnt say anything about him leaving. 

We took our dog to the dog park and our son to the park. Picked up some slurpees on the way home and hung out at home. It was nice. 

So were sitting there playing a family game and his fire radio goes off. He throws his cards down (in the middle of a game!), puts his shoes on and leaves to take the 'none mandatory' call (when he previously said no more calls on the weekends no less!). Our son starts crying cause daddy left. I preoccupied him with something else to calm him down. 

For dinner I slow cooked homemade ribs for 3 hours, marinated and grilled steaks, made parmesan scalloped potatoes and green beans. Dinner was ready, he still wasnt back home yet. My son and I ended up eating and my husband didnt walk in the door until we were finished and starting on the cheesecake that I bought for dessert. 

At that point I was so irritated and hurt that he put the fire station before his family (again), I didnt speak to him the rest of the night and most of the next day. 

At first he didnt think there was anything wrong with throwing down his cards in the middle of a family game. He just kept say 'but there was a fire' when we were talking about it. I kept responding with 'but we are your family'. He cant control how long the call will take but it just added fuel to the fire that he wasnt back for the dinner that I busted my butt to cook for him.

Everthing is fine now and he's sorry and says he realized that he was wrong but man was I fuming!!


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## john_lord_b3

So sorry to read about that, Mrs. Ano. I think your husband need a vacation, a long one, to be with his wife and kids.


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## Tall Average Guy

Catherine602 said:


> Not in obvios ways. Slowly over time. Do your fair share but maybe less elaborate celebrations of BD. If a holiday for dad is no big deal then it might become a family tradition to downplay BD's, mothers day, ect.
> 
> I don't think this is passive aggressive. I think it is withdrawing what is not appreciated. I think kids not honoring their father on his day is disrespectful.


I like Catherine's response, except I wonder about the gradual issue. I say that because by doing it gradually, it becomes the default without any of the other's really understanding why.

I would consider doing it right away. The next birthday or Mother's day, I would simply say that you understand that these sorts of things are not celebrated in this house, so you plan on just going about your day. No whining, but very clear that you have heard how things will be and will act accordingly.


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## RockyRoad48

Chiming a few days late; but I had a mixed bag for FD. I got to spend Saturday night and all day Sunday with my two boys at my sister-in-laws pool. Had a great time UNTIL I went to take them back to their moms. When I got there she didn't wish me HFD, no card , no present, just a big fat "I hired a lawyer"! Talk about hitting a man when he's down! I mean come on...at least wait until Monday.


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## Catherine602

Tall Average Guy said:


> I like Catherine's response, except I wonder about the gradual issue. I say that because by doing it gradually, it becomes the default without any of the other's really understanding why.
> 
> I would consider doing it right away. The next birthday or Mother's day, I would simply say that you understand that these sorts of things are not celebrated in this house, so you plan on just going about your day. No whining, but very clear that you have heard how things will be and will act accordingly.


I agree. 

No one asked me but i have to say. I've read a lot of WOM post. He seems not to realize what a great guy he is. He has every quality that most women are looking for in a man.

I'm not saying he should have his azz on his shoulder but he has earned the right to a little proud swagger. 

Our culture is often over fond of pointing out the "problem" with bad men. But it's interesting that a good man is treated like he is a dime a dozen. 

That's why I think that Working should remind his family that they are important to him but he is just as important and don't forget it, 

I cant see the alpha thing being useful in this situation. If a person is treated badly shouldnt they be able to make it right? Doing so directly is the best way I believe. 

I'll say this about my relationship, maybe it is relevant. My husband lets me know right away when he is not pleased with something with us.

Frankly, that keeps me in check. I know his bounderies and respect that he stands up to me. One other thing is that he uses anger rarely. 

Thats good, because when he does, its effective. Otherwise he says things in a light joking but he is serious.so my advice is not to be angry about the FD but resolute. 

If WOM's wife is difficult, any show of him backing down, it probaly scares her. It would me. I would think my husband can't handle things. 

It's not true or reasonable but that does not help me to feel differently.


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## Catherine602

Ano I would cut back big time. He does not appreciate you.

Yummy dinner.


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## WorkingOnMe

I appreciate the kind words Catherine. At this point I've said my peace to my wife and kids. They've made it up to me. Especially my wife. So to hold back for the next birthdays or whatever would kind of be like holding a grudge. I would feel passive agressive pretending like everything is fine and then giving them the cold shoulder later. 

The fact is, in the past I was more like Ano's husband and wasn't very appreciative of what was done for me. This episode has taught me something about being grateful and letting your family know it. I'm glad I spoke up the next day and resolved it.


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## john_lord_b3

WorkingOnMe said:


> I appreciate the kind words Catherine. At this point I've said my peace to my wife and kids. They've made it up to me. Especially my wife. So to hold back for the next birthdays or whatever would kind of be like holding a grudge. I would feel passive agressive pretending like everything is fine and then giving them the cold shoulder later.
> 
> The fact is, in the past I was more like Ano's husband and wasn't very appreciative of what was done for me. This episode has taught me something about being grateful and letting your family know it. I'm glad I spoke up the next day and resolved it.


Amein! God bless you and your family! :smthumbup:


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## richie33

Don't mean to thread jack but john lord b3 you are one of the most positive people on the board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3

Thank you Mr. Richie. That's the least I could do. This place is full with unhappiness. No need to add more grey clouds, but a little sunshine won't hurt!


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## JCD

Catherine602 said:


> I wonder what would happen if you slowly stopped doing all the extra's for and with them? They don't appreciate what the have therefore they feel no need to make a big deal out of a great dad.
> 
> Think about it. They know you will be there no matter how much they ignore you. What if you started to pull away. Give as much as you get.
> 
> That's not weak or beta, it's having self respect and knowing your value. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Allowing bad treatment is not a show of stregth.
> 
> If my kids did not show their appreciation of their father, there would be hell to pay in this house. Everybody gets their day, including dad and husband.
> 
> Not in obvios ways. Slowly over time. Do your fair share but maybe less elaborate celebrations of BD. If a holiday for dad is no big deal then it might become a family tradition to downplay BD's, mothers day, ect.
> 
> I don't think this is passive aggressive. I think it is withdrawing what is not appreciated. I think kids not honoring their father on his day is disrespectful.
> 
> I disagree that telling them is needy. They need to grow into adults that think of others not themselves. You are responsible for making them grow in that direction.
> 
> If they are entitled adults they will not make out very well. You can present tge reason that BD celebrations will be low key is to teach them to think of others.
> 
> Instead of BD gift, plan a day of volunteering. Doing for others. Tell them they are old enough and have enough resources to share their good fortune.
> 
> this will be good for you WOM. You are a man with a plan, a leader. I think teaching them to appreciate what they have and to honor their parents is the sign of a leader. You take the responsibility as a man to mold your kids.
> 
> Even if you don't go this route, don't let this pass. You have kept yourself in the background too long. Get out in front and fvcken roar is my advice. You are a great dad there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids to appreciate what they have. YOU.


I like this.

A very simple announcement.

"Kids...we should treat others like they expect to be treated. So...this year, in honor of the last Father's Day, you will be getting all the recognition, attention and gifts that I received. Let's start a new tradition, shall we?"

If you follow through on that, I bet that is the LAST holiday they take ANYONE for granted.


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## Thewife

If my H posts here, this is what he'll say, "I can't believe my wife forgot this father's day, I usually get special art/craft gifts made by her and kids, then a thoughtful gift from her followed by favourite food, massage and sex in any way I want". 

I deliberately forgot this fathers day to make him understand how I feel on special days when he lets them pass like just another day. I feel bad when I think back on how dull he looked that day by evening with no mention of fathers day. I have done loads of things for him on special days for the past 16 years and am so tired of not getting similar gestures without asking for it. I am sorry for my H and other fathers who didn't get to celebrate this fathers day. 

Well, he has no complaints about it until now and acts pretty cool. I wish he will talk about it.


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## JCD

Thewife said:


> If my H posts here, this is what he'll say, "I can't believe my wife forgot this father's day, I usually get special art/craft gifts made by her and kids, then a thoughtful gift from her followed by favourite food, massage and sex in any way I want".
> 
> I deliberately forgot this fathers day to make him understand how I feel on special days when he lets them pass like just another day. I feel bad when I think back on how dull he looked that day by evening with no mention of fathers day. I have done loads of things for him on special days for the past 16 years and am so tired of not getting similar gestures without asking for it. I am sorry for my H and other fathers who didn't get to celebrate this fathers day.
> 
> Well, he has no complaints about it until now and acts pretty cool. I wish he will talk about it.


This thread reminds me not to take my wife for granted. I need to do some special things for her.


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## Wiserforit

I feel bad for the ladies who went the distance for their husband and it went unrecognized. I feel bad for the guys who hoped for something and got nothing. 

We aren't big on official holidays. It's more or less a continuous stream of "I love you" and showing each other gratitude so there isn't a point to setting aside a day for the same thing.


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## Catherine602

I think there is nothing wrong with giving as much as you get. You need to let the person know that you expect as much thoughtfulness as they receive from you. You also need to give them several chances to make it right. 

Continuing to give invites the recipient to further devalue your show of love and they never get to experience the other end of selfishness. 

TheWife, I think you have nothing to feel bad about your husbands sadness. You waited too long IMO. 

He is suffering the consequences of his lack of appreciation for a thoughtful loving wife. That is not good for your relationship. Don't bring it up to him. 

Keep giving as much as you get. he will eventually bring it up and then you discuss how he feels. Tell him to multiply that by 16(#of holidays/yr) and he will know how you feel.


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## Tall Average Guy

Catherine602 said:


> I think there is nothing wrong with giving as much as you get. You need to let the person know that you expect as much thoughtfulness as they receive from you. You also need to give them several chances to make it right.
> 
> Continuing to give invites the recipient to further devalue your show of love and they never get to experience the other end of selfishness.
> 
> TheWife, I think you have nothing to feel bad about your husbands sadness. You waited too long IMO.
> 
> He is suffering the consequences of his lack of appreciation for a thoughtful loving wife. That is not good for your relationship. Don't bring it up to him.
> 
> Keep giving as much as you get. he will eventually bring it up and then you discuss how he feels. Tell him to multiply that by 16(#of holidays/yr) and he will know how you feel.


The only thing that I would add is to be clear what you are doing and why. None of the passive aggressive or covert contract crap. Don't make people guess. 

So to TheWife, the only thing I would recommend is to mention at some point about the new rule. You don't need to be nasty or anything. Rather, calmly state that you will now be following the rule that special days are to be treated like any other day. Then listen to how he responds.


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## Catherine602

Tall Average Guy said:


> The only thing that I would add is to be clear what you are doing and why. None of the passive aggressive or covert contract crap. Don't make people guess.
> 
> So to TheWife, the only thing I would recommend is to mention at some point about the new rule. You don't need to be nasty or anything. Rather, calmly state that you will now be following the rule that special days are to be treated like any other day. Then listen to how he responds.


You are right as usual. It would seem passive-aggressive if she does not approach him after giving him time to think.

I'd like to emphasize that in LT good relationships, periods of inattention are common on the part of both people. These temporary lapses are usually for good reasons. 

I don't think in these instances, similar inattention would be productive or loving. Its usually temporary and a time where the person needs the support of his/her spouse. 

Also, not every small incidence needs a reaction. Every one has a bad week. Better to let it go. Long term patterns are what I'm talking about.


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## Deejo

*Re: Re: Father's Day offences*



john_lord_b3 said:


> Thank you Mr. Richie. That's the least I could do. This place is full with unhappiness. No need to add more grey clouds, but a little sunshine won't hurt!


Neither would some beer ...


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## Thewife

Yes, I even sent him an email, saying sorry and why I did it, the answer is "its okay I know you love me" arghhh!! Well, the reason why I keep doing for him even when he forgets is, he never fails to show his affection and love in our everyday life, he has many good qualities so I try to not to dwell on the flaws. It still bothers me on special days, I am continuing to figure out how to solve this difference in us.


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## Catherine602

Thewife said:


> Yes, I even sent him an email, saying sorry and why I did it, the answer is "its okay I know you love me" arghhh!! Well, the reason why I keep doing for him even when he forgets is, he never fails to show his affection and love in our everyday life, he has many good qualities so I try to not to dwell on the flaws. It still bothers me on special days, I am continuing to figure out how to solve this difference in us.


I'm glad to hear that he shows his love in other ways. Your problem sounds fairly common but solvable. You and your husband have different love languages. 

One of the important ways you feel loved is by being remembered on special days, he probably shows his love by acts of service and physical touch. But that is not as important to your feelings of being loved. You appreciate it that is obvious. 

Can you get the book "the 5 love languages" and both read it? It may help you to institute changes. Be explicit about what you need from him. 

Let him know how much you appreciate him and the way he shows that he cares. But do let him know that you need for him to extend himself in one additional way that is very important to you. 

Don't get angry because he is not purposefully forgetting. If he loves you and it sounds like he does, he will get it.


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## MyrnaLoy

Personally, I don't agree with withdrawing from celebrating your kids birthdays or other celebrations. I feel like that would bring a lot of negativity into what are supposed to be happy occasions. What works for me is taking ownership of 'my' days. If I want a big celebrated day, I don't wait for it to happen-- I make it happen. I announce often and happily before the day arrives about what I want and how I'm going to celebrate. And then on the day, I bring it up more. Like, for instance, if my daughter doesn't wish me a Happy Birthday in the morning, I bring it up happily to her-- that it's my birthday and this is what I'm going to do to celebrate today, et cetera. I don't wait and fume every minute she doesn't mention it. It's just not worth it. I want these to be happy days so I make them happy, without resentment or whatever. Maybe we shouldn't 'have' to remind people. And I probably don't have to, my family would probably be on top of it. But when I start talking about it a week before, then we're all on the same page and if they were going to forget, they don't. It works. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish

I confess, I might unintentionally committed a Father's Day offense - the implication that I didn't get kid involved. 

Me and my son (3) picked out a great card at the store. Father's Day morning, I left him alone for two minutes to put in some laundry, and told him to draw a nice picture on it for Daddy, who had gone to get himself some Dunkin Donuts. I came back and the card was gone. Though I tried to get him to tell me what he did with it, interrogating a three year old is a no-win. Two weeks later, I've yet to discover it, so wherever he managed to stuff it must have been epic. 

I did get a wife to husband card myself, and didn't mention the other. So - sometime here, when we do a big cleaning, I guess Mr. will get a belated card with an unknown art-work on it.


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## WorkingOnMe

Starstarfish said:


> I confess, I might unintentionally committed a Father's Day offense - the implication that I didn't get kid involved.
> 
> Me and my son (3) picked out a great card at the store. Father's Day morning, I left him alone for two minutes to put in some laundry, and told him to draw a nice picture on it for Daddy, who had gone to get himself some Dunkin Donuts. I came back and the card was gone. Though I tried to get him to tell me what he did with it, interrogating a three year old is a no-win. Two weeks later, I've yet to discover it, so wherever he managed to stuff it must have been epic.
> 
> I did get a wife to husband card myself, and didn't mention the other. So - sometime here, when we do a big cleaning, I guess Mr. will get a belated card with an unknown art-work on it.


Ya, not really an offence. You can sleep soundly!


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