# Boring, boring, boring!!



## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

My husband if one of the nicest guy’s you’ll meet. He’s a carpenter and mechanic. He can build you a house, fix your car and do the laundry all in one day. He cares and loves when needed, will help with anything asked. He cannot say no. He takes me where I ask, give me what I ask and lets me go out without question. He will do the laundry, the dishes, housework and wash my car in and out if I ask. He really is amazing, but he is REALLY boring.

This is the point… I have to start everything, I need to ask, to initiate. He won’t do it by himself (unless it is a car, or his job). He is one of those “strong and silent” types, very strong but very silent. He didn’t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy… but live with his parents and I’m going insane because of this. 

Anytime I confront him and tell him how I feel, he gets upset. He gets mad at me for being mad. A few days ago, I got upset that he broke his promise and told him, a few minutes later he gets annoyed at me and gives me a silent treatment because I was upset. He does this every time. He won’t even try to calm me down or admit he is sorry… just get’s angry at me, even if it’s his fault. A few days later he acts like it never happened. 

All he does is come home from work, eats, goes to sleep while I spend the day with our 5 year old, cook, clean, and go to work. I don’t see him trying to be better for us, or at least to show us a good time. I have to FORCE him to go out, or force him to spend time with us. When he does do something, you can see how distraught he is. If it’s a day off for him, he will lay in bed watch TV while I play with our kid. He watches me do all the work and doesn’t even budge. I ask him why and he gets irritated at me for asking. 

We went to my friend’s for New Years. I thought it will be a great time, friends, food, etc. All he did the whole night, was sit on a stool and watch the TV. I asked him to get up and pour me a drink and he said he didn’t want to because he was shy. My friends tried to get him to talk but he just answered a few questions and then that’s it. This is every time we go with other people I now believe he has lost a few friends because he is just not interesting. He always just sits there, silent, waiting to be entertained. His “I’m shy” is getting old. I am shy too, but around his friend I try to have a good time. 

He didn’t bother giving me any presents for my birthday, Christmas or New Years. I gave him one and all he said was thanks. 

Now I just don’t know what to do. This has been building up over the years. He just pulls me down, makes me feel useless and depressed. The other half should at least encourage the other to be better, but recently I feel like I am losing myself. There is no celebration in his life… there is no laugher or happiness around him. He lives with his parents who only work and sleep. No joy, no easiness in his life. All the things that I have loved to do, I don’t want to do anymore. He never comments on my looks, never expresses himself to me. I know he loves me, but saying it won’t hurt. It comes to a point that I don’t want to go anywhere with him anymore because he ruins the trip, makes it depressing or I end up doing all the work. Sometimes it feels like the only reason I am with him is because we have a child together. 

He’s a good guy with no balls or backbone. I don’t know what to do anymore. Life with him is not interesting, no intelligent conversations, no challenges. I’m tired of always trying and doing and not being appreciated. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to keep living like this. I want him to appreciate me and do something on his own. I want him to surprise me for once, to make me laugh and make me want to wake up for once. Sometimes I do want to leave, just pack up and move but for some reason I don’t do it. We are still young, I'm 27 and with him I feel like I am 70 years old. We spend Saturday nights at home sleeping by 10pm because he just doesn't feel like doing anything. If he loves me, can he at least try to show me a good time. 

Should I give him an ultimatum? Should I just tell him I will leave if he doesn’t change or at least try? Is this what 5 years of marriage looks like, will it get worse from here? Is this it? 

Thank you for your time reading this


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Print out the message you just posted and give it to him. You've clearly stated the problems as you see them; give him a chance to see it in writing and contemplate your position. Tell him you've reached a crisis point and if things don't change, you are filing for divorce.

Your expectations for marriage are completely different from his. He is not even meeting you a quarter of the way. If he loves you and wants to save the marriage, he will work on the issues (hopefully he will get some counseling). If he won't try to solve the problems, I don't see how you two can possibly remain married.


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## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Print out the message you just posted and give it to him. You've clearly stated the problems as you see them; give him a chance to see it in writing and contemplate your position. Tell him you've reached a crisis point and if things don't change, you are filing for divorce.
> 
> Your expectations for marriage are completely different from his. He is not even meeting you a quarter of the way. If he loves you and wants to save the marriage, he will work on the issues (hopefully he will get some counseling). If he won't try to solve the problems, I don't see how you two can possibly remain married.


I agree with your statement that his idea of marriage is different. It took me a few years to actually realize this. His mother cooks and cleans for him. Wakes him up for work and tells him what to do. His idea of marriage is probably that... the wife needs to wait on him, cook, clean and stay quiet. This is how his mother trained him. I even asked her once and she said she enjoys being that type of mom/wife, doing everything. I am the complete opposite. I always believed I can pull him away from that idea. Now I see how hard it is.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

This would be my marriage had I never spoken up for myself. My H is totally content to "play house" and take care of what needs to be taken care of, but there's no joy, no love, no excitement, no enthusiasm, no planning for our future, no sharing of dreams or goals, no experiementation. 

For some, this is fine. My MIL is totally fine with this. I am NOT, and it sounds like neither are you. Now, I don't need Vegas-level entertainment, but an engaging conversation, some laughter, some connection is critical. I don't want to look back at my life and realize I spent it cleaning floors and going to work and that was my relationship with my spouse. 

Speak up and see what he says. You may just be incompatible, but he deserves a chance to tell you whether this is it and you gotta accept it or if he's just in a rut.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

You say he does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.... ON TOP OF WORK and you get mad that he lays around one day and watches you clean? 

I am that guy, my wife lays around every evening as I cook, clean etc. She now says she wants out. You need to show him you need more, open the communication without anger and lay down some rules and what you will put up with and what you wont. Show him this video 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBNsgrhr1vs


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

onyx87 said:


> I agree with your statement that his idea of marriage is different. It took me a few years to actually realize this. His mother cooks and cleans for him. Wakes him up for work and tells him what to do. His idea of marriage is probably that... the wife needs to wait on him, cook, clean and stay quiet. This is how his mother trained him. I even asked her once and she said she enjoys being that type of mom/wife, doing everything. I am the complete opposite. I always believed I can pull him away from that idea. Now I see how hard it is.


OMG - this is my MIL! She waits on her husband and sons completely. She makes her H breakfast every morning to the point that if they are visiting and I put out bagels and muffins and fruit and such, my FIL feels like I'm not feeding him. They will offer to buy breakfast out or will not eat and get some food on their way out of town. 

Every time I'm at my in-laws, the boys are waited on and the women are in the kitchen cleaning up. I won't do it! When they visit me, I don't let my MIL help me in the kitchen. When I'm at their home, if my H isn't going to help in the kitchen then I'll be GD if I'm going to just because I have a V and not a D.


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

Wow...I believe it would be a good idea to let your husband read what you just wrote. Ir at least express it to him in a way that gets the point across without attacking his core. I can tell you this, If I read that from my wife I would be in defcon 1 mode to fix it. 

You've been married 5 years, together for 9. Prime for that "7 year itch". He needs to truly know how you feel before you go searching for the companionship you so desire, and need! 

Your only 27, marriage is a series of give and take but should grow in strength the more you've built your partner back up from they're struggles, and them with yours. You have to be able to be honest w them. Even on the things that are most difficult. 

I've been married for 15 years, together for 19. I remember the 5-7 year mark in our marriage. It was a tough time, things needed to change on both our ends (I'm a working musician and never around - that needed to change) and both of us worked at bettering ourselves and our relationship. Today we love each other more than we did the day we got married. Honestly.

You might wanna find a way to get out and find a house or apartment - seek the info from a realtor on your own. The use this as part of your plan to enlighten your husband of your needs. You, your husband, and your 5 year old need to be living on your own as a family in order to thrive without the headaches and insecurities that come from his family being in your every day life. That would drive me nuts.

I wish you nothing but success! You sound like a great person who's a lot of fun honestly. He needs to know how you feel and maybe be shocked back to life.


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## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> You say he does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.... ON TOP OF WORK and you get mad that he lays around one day and watches you clean?
> 
> I am that guy, my wife lays around every evening as I cook, clean etc. She now says she wants out. You need to show him you need more, open the communication without anger and lay down some rules and what you will put up with and what you wont. Show him this video
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBNsgrhr1vs


What I meant with the cooking/cleaning etc is all done when I ask him. Otherwise it's sitting there until it stinks. This will maybe be done once a month. It's not even all. Cleaning to him is wiping down a table. He won;t do it until I have given up/too tired or tell him that if he won't help then it won't be done at all. After many months of this, I do get fed up. Thank you for the video. I wish I knew these things before


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Did he change after marriage?
Seems like you should have been able to observe this in the 4 year dating period before you married and had a kid. I don't mean to insult you but if he has not changed, he cannot change. If he was different at some point, it's possiblefor him to change back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you live with his parents? That seems to be one of the first issues...

C


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## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

Guitarman07 said:


> You might wanna find a way to get out and find a house or apartment - seek the info from a realtor on your own. The use this as part of your plan to enlighten your husband of your needs. You, your husband, and your 5 year old need to be living on your own as a family in order to thrive without the headaches and insecurities that come from his family being in your every day life. That would drive me nuts.
> 
> I wish you nothing but success! You sound like a great person who's a lot of fun honestly. He needs to know how you feel and maybe be shocked back to life.


That's what I've been doing. I've been searching every day, called many realtors, had them search too. I found a good few places but he won't budge. We live in a county where the prices are high and he doesn't like taking risks. Im ready to move right now, but I can't afford it by myself. I think he's just too afraid to try anything new and to live without his mother. I'm still looking though, I won't give up on that! 

Thanks so much on the advise


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## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

PBear said:


> Why do you live with his parents? That seems to be one of the first issues...
> 
> C


It really is one of the major issues. He won't budge! Too much comfort in being fed morning and night with no effort. I told him that and he says it's not the reason. We started living with his parents because they helped with the child. I'm looking for other places, he won't agree :\


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## onyx87 (Jan 8, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Did he change after marriage?
> Seems like you should have been able to observe this in the 4 year dating period before you married and had a kid. I don't mean to insult you but if he has not changed, he cannot change. If he was different at some point, it's possiblefor him to change back.


We were different, talked more, had more friends. That's why I started noticing how few friends he has now. We used to go many places, do many things and now he just stays home. When we were dating he was more carefree... I guess marriage changed him?


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

onyx87 said:


> It really is one of the major issues. He won't budge! Too much comfort in being fed morning and night with no effort. I told him that and he says it's not the reason. We started living with his parents because they helped with the child. I'm looking for other places, he won't agree :\



If financially there's even a sliver of hope to get out and live on your own you just gotta do it. You need a spouse who is self sufficient and not depending on anyone but himself along with your input. This is what marriage is. 

If you do manage to get through and move out (and for Pete's Sake I Hope You Do!) He might just transpose the comfort of being taken care of onto you. Your not his mom, and he's gotta understand that. Your his wife...partner in crime. Somehow the passion needs to be stirred up a notch. Maybe you have tried this but I'll say it anyway: try to find some hobbies he enjoys and become good at them along with him? I enjoy it when my wife beats me at any game we play, or when she critiques my band. It shows she's up for the challenge and that she truly cares...unbiased. Mothers do not necessarily do this and from the sounds of it his mom may baby him a bit. 

Then, he may realize that you are his partner. Lover. That's the most important thing. This should lead into him being more forthright with you, and hopefully accepting some of the things you like to do!

I absolutely hate watching "The Voice" and used to not care for Country music all that much as well. Watching "The Voice" to me is like an accountant coming home from a long day at the office to only sit down and do his taxes. Well my wife loves both, especially Country music! Yet, because wife shows so much understanding on my end (and it;s tough believe me) I keep my yapper shut about the show, and have actually learned to really like and respect Blake Shelton's music and that of many many country stars (except Luke Bryan). Now we have a huge Country music genre in our bands set list and it's growing constantly. Weird how things work out.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

onyx87 said:


> We were different, talked more, had more friends. That's why I started noticing how few friends he has now. We used to go many places, do many things and now he just stays home. When we were dating he was more carefree... I guess marriage changed him?


Some people just settle in to marriage and stop being who they were when you were dating. They bought the cow, in other words, so it's fine to just sit in the pasture.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

onyx87 said:


> My husband if one of the nicest guy’s you’ll meet. *He’s a carpenter and mechanic. He can build you a house, fix your car and do the laundry all in one day. He cares and loves when needed, will help with anything asked. He cannot say no. He takes me where I ask, give me what I ask and lets me go out without question. He will do the laundry, the dishes, housework and wash my car in and out if I ask. He really is amazing, but he is REALLY boring.*
> 
> This is the point… I have to start everything, I need to ask, to initiate. He won’t do it by himself (unless it is a car, or his job). He is one of those “strong and silent” types, very strong but very silent. He didn’t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy… but live with his parents and I’m going insane because of this.
> 
> ...



It seems at this point you want different things out of life.

He shows you his affection by doing chores and tasks for you -- if asked, but not on his own.

You want him to wait on you at a party and he is a shy person, essentially hiding out at the TV.

He sees a day off as a time to loaf and recharge. You see it as a time to share playing with the kids.

BTW, do you have a job outside the home?

You can't stand living with the in-laws and he is comfortable there.

You want him to notice you as a woman and show physical affection for you and he doesn't do it or even see the need to do so.

What was this promise he didn't keep?

I recommend that the two of you get some marriage counseling and somehow get on the same page about your interests.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

onyx87 said:


> What I meant with the cooking/cleaning etc is all done when I ask him. Otherwise it's sitting there until it stinks. This will maybe be done once a month. It's not even all. Cleaning to him is wiping down a table. He won;t do it until I have given up/too tired or tell him that if he won't help then it won't be done at all. After many months of this, I do get fed up. Thank you for the video. I wish I knew these things before


OK, thanks for the clarity... I feel your pain. I too have a spouse who will let dishes sit, food sit out etc. I run my own business so I do have time to care for those things while she is out of the house working. Just today I took out the trash in the bathroom that I saw her stack more on top, then I picked up her sweater off the living room floor.... And I get, "stop treating me like a child" when I get after her.

I am sorry you are going through this, I have been putting up with this for 16 years but Im not giving up just yet. I'm going to give it my all now and see if she can as well, if it doesnt work I think I will be ordering a bride from Russia...J/K


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