# My wife had affair



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

My wife of 6 years and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children, 6, 7 and an 11 year old step son from her previous marriage. Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband. I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, it happens. We have had our ups and downs, lost track of the little things that make a marriage work. A little less than a month ago we got in to huge argument at the bar and she stormed out. Mainly because she said she was done with this marriage and my only defense was to tell her she had a week to move out. The next couple days were tough. She was distant, looking for an apartment and would not talk to me at all. I appologized for what I had said to her and expressed how much I love her and I wanted her to stay. The next week or so we talked a little and she was determined she was done with the marriage, refused counciling. She said weve been working on this relationship for 8 years and nothings changed. She agreed to a date night with no alcohol involved. I told her i was going to get a hotel so we could be away from the kids and focus on us. I planned a great night, romantic dinner, art galleries and downtown scene. I had the room decked out with flowers and rose petals, music and candles, i even wrote her a poem and framed it. I know too little too late. The whole nine yards. We had a great evening. Talked, took a bubble bath and made love. The next couple weeks were pretty good. Her attitude changed and she was commited to giving us a second chance. Then on a Friday she asked me if she could go have drinks with a friend. I told her of course, i have always trusted and repected her. She got home at 4am and would not return any of my calls or texts. She said her phone was in the car charging. I know she was with her girlfriend because her girlfriend lives close by and when I took the kids for ice cream I saw her truck there. The next week she had seemed a little distant again and every time I tried to talk to her she said I was smothering her. I grew worried. I still trusted her though. The next week I printed my phone bill for work to get reimbursed and noticed an overage of minutes. So double checking everything I see mutiple calls from her phone to the same number. Mostly on weekend and very late night/early morning. I also so 2 calls to this number the night of our fight. I called the number and got a guys voicemail. I immediately brought this to her attention. She told me he was a friend she was going to do pitures for and his son was on our sons baseball team. She said she called him to vent about our relationship because he could not judge either one of us. I started realizing my wife has been talking to another man about our relationship. She told me she ran into him a month and a half ago and she was going to do family pictures for him. She gave him her card.she said they texted a few times to get a session set up. I wasnt convinced so i had all text messages downloaded. There were over 400 to and from him in the past month and a half. All day long first thing in the morning and right before bed. I brought this to her attention and she confessed to being more than just friends, so even after i confronted her she lied to me. The second time i confronted her she came clean. She said she has gone out with him and another couple twice and each night he gave her a good night kiss and thats as far as its gone. What irritates me is this was going on a month before our fight which she blamed me, more than likely to hide her guilt. She called the guy and left him a message stating she would no longer be talking to him. I understand this was a month and a half long affair that she was hiding from me. Im devastated, not about the kisses but that she was this involved with another man via text and phone. Am I over reacting if all they did was kiss? She feels so guilty, understands theres no excuse for what she did and she is ashamed. Were trying to work through it but im not totally convinced all they did was kiss. Now its like the roles have reversed, im shut down and she is smothering me. Please help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No. You're not overreacting.

She cheated on you. 

Has she ended contact with him? It was pretty brazen of her to go out on a "double date" with him and another couple.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sorry to see you go through this. 

No you are not over-reacting. She is giving you trickle truth as you present her with more evidence, and IMHO there's more than a fair chance she's having a physical affair. 

You'll be getting some good advice by others, that are more knowledgeable. Follow it. You're fortunate that you found this site now as opposed to months after the fact like I did. I made many missteps in how I handled things. You now have the opportunity to handle things properly from the beginning.

Good luck to you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband


Ummm..... *no*! That was a lie she told herself, then told you.


----------



## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> ...Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband. I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, *it happens*. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry for y, but seems it happened again.
Some people never change.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

As far as the whole double date thing, its her best friend and husband. This guy is a friend of theyres. Its not like they set them up. My wife and her friend went out and ran into this guy, my wifes bff knew him and then this guy and my wife put two and two together that our sons play on the same baseball team. One issue is next year if theyre on the same team together do i let my wife go to his games knowing this guy will be there. From what i know they have stopped all contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here & feel bad for your children. She is a serial cheater & probably had sex with the OM. You should get tested for std's asap.

The vets will be in soon to advise....


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I know this sucks. I suggest getting a polygraph test usually just the threat of one does the trick and yes both of you get tested for stds insist that she gets tested.And to be sure there is nc, get a couple vars one for the house and the car.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You might also want to get rid of her BFF and husband....they're certainly no friends of yours or your marriage.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

She was an admitted cheater going into the marriage. What would you expect different with you?


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

I see a pattern here.

Get bored of current husband, cheat so he'll leave and I'll start over again.

I really wonder how bad her ex was at this point.........


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband." - Not true and you know this!

As others will probably say, kissing usually means full on sex. Saying they kissed is a typical cheaters attempt to minimize the affair.

Staying out until 4 AM without you? That's not what married women do (or men)

The friends have to go too. Even if it was "just a kss" why the heck would they condone this on MULTIPLR occasions?

Time for a polygraph and an STD panel

Sorry


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

stormrugger said:


> Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband.


Huh? Her only way out was to cheat? Why? Did he have her chained to the bed? In this country, and most of the world, we have a thing called divorce. It's quick and easy. Too easy. It sounds like your rationalization hamster was teaming up with hers to excuse infidelity.



stormrugger said:


> I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, it happens.


And it's happened again. That's no surprise.



stormrugger said:


> Am I over reacting if all they did was kiss?


You think he was giving her good night kisses until 4am? Seriously? 4am is not the hour for good night kisses. 4am is the hour for all the freaky stuff that she would never do for you.



stormrugger said:


> She feels so guilty, understands theres no excuse for what she did and she is ashamed. Were trying to work through it but im not totally convinced all they did was kiss. Now its like the roles have reversed, im shut down and she is smothering me. Please help


Women rarely text and call men all day every day unless they're physically involved. With this guy being local, there was little preventing her from sleeping with him. Add in the dates until 4am and it's pretty much a lead pipe cinch that they were naked somewhere.

You need to man up. I think your default move is to file for divorce. You don't have to go through with it. It takes months and you can call it off at any time if she convinces you she's sincere about recommitting to your marriage. But it will show her that you're serious about not accepting this.

If you want to reconcile, think about a polygraph. I don't like polygraphs because they're inaccurate, but you may want to schedule one. Some disloyal spouses confess to everything when faced with a polygraph. You also need boundaries. You need to monitor her. Without telling her, put keylogger software on her computer to verify she's not using email, Facebook, or a secret email account. Put spyware on her phone to listen to her calls and read her texts. If you can't do spyware, put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. That will allow you to listen to any future "good night kisses."

She should have absolutely no future contact with this other man, or her toxic friend that believes in helping her married friend cheat on her husband. As in ever. As in if she sees him parking in the grocery store parking lot, she drives away and comes back another day. You'll eat take out that night.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Staying out until 4 AM without you? That's not what married women do (or men)


:iagree:

Can't believe how many times I see this in threads.It amazes me...I think I even saw one thread where the wife didn't come home until the next afternoon,but the OP of that thread just glossed it over.:scratchhead:


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> *As far as the whole double date thing, its her best friend and husband.Your wife´s friend. How thought full of them,Going on a double date.With their married friend.And excluding her husband.. Normal? I think not..Drop them NOW..oThis guy is a friend of theyres. Its not like they set them up.The might as well have done it..The went on double dates´s My wife and her friend went out and ran into this guy, my wifes bff knew him and then this guy and my wife put two and two together that our sons play on the same baseball team. Seriously?? The never seen each other
> before??*
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

wish people would realise adults just don't kiss...kiss =full on sex,with probable no protection..


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

stormrugger said:


> As far as the whole double date thing, its her best friend and husband. This guy is a friend of theyres. Its not like they set them up. My wife and her friend went out and ran into this guy, ...


That's the story they're telling you, anyway. But, even if it's true. Your wife went out with her friend and her friend's husband, and then they ran into the same guy twice, who then hung around all night, and what? Did they start making out at the end of the night in front of the other couple? Did they both excuse themselves to the bathroom at the same time so they could make out in private? Did they leave together? I've been on double dates before. You can tell which couples are going to "make out" until 4am and which aren't. Your wife's friend is either an idiot, or an accomplice to her infidelity.



stormrugger said:


> One issue is next year if theyre on the same team together do i let my wife go to his games knowing this guy will be there.


Um, no. Seriously? Should I let my wife hang out with her affair partner if our children will be in the vicinity? Don't be an idiot. One of the consequences of your wife screwing another man is that she gives up some of her freedom and privileges, forever.



stormrugger said:


> From what i know they have stopped all contact.


Does mean, based on what she has told you, or have you verified her actions?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> As far as the whole double date thing, its her best friend and husband. This guy is a friend of theyres. Its not like they set them up. My wife and her friend went out and ran into this guy, my wifes bff knew him and then this guy and my wife put two and two together that our sons play on the same baseball team. One issue is next year if theyre on the same team together do i let my wife go to his games knowing this guy will be there. From what i know they have stopped all contact._Posted via Mobile Device_


 First, your wife did more than just kiss and you know it. Nobody talks about leaving their spouse when all they did was kiss. Second, your wife's BFF and her husband are toxic friends. If she was talking about your marriage issues with the other man (OM), then you know that she was talking about those issues with her BFF. Thus them participating in a double date with your wife and the OM was them helping to facilitate her cheating. The OM being introduced to her by her BFF makes it even worse, the BFF was in fact the matchmaker. If your wife tries to say otherwise ask yourself this question, if the BFF's husband was invited out to join your wife and the BFF, and the other man was also invited to join them, why were you not invited?

You wife should not be allowed keep the BFF as a friend. The BFF is not a friend of the marraige and by her actions she is an enemy of the marraige. If given a choice between you and her BFF she does not pick you, then you will know where you stand and that your marraige will not last long term. Plan accordingly. Sorry that you are here.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Ask her for a polygraph and see her reaction, it will give you a clue about what **** you are having with you, But actually do you need it? You know why her marriage ended the same is going to happen to the present marriage. Do you know what she will tell others? same reason for ending ( I think her ex kicked her out for cheating) it with her ex husband.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your story is pretty common. They probably had sex. 

Recover the deleted texts and you will find out that they had sex.(what phone does she have?) Denial will be your biggest enemy.

Read about trickle truth.... Don't trust one word she says until you can verify it.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Your story is pretty common. They probably had sex.
> 
> Recover the deleted texts and you will find out that they had sex.(what phone does she have?) Denial will be your biggest enemy.
> 
> Read about trickle truth.... Don't trust one word she says until you can verify it.


Cheating spouses lie about the extent of the affair about 100 percent of the time.

The most common things they lie about is how physical the affair became, how many times, when it started, when it ended, and how often they still have contact.

Given that they texted each other every morning and night for a month and a half, and had physical access to each other, it is unlikely they did not have sex. She admits to kissing. That seems to be a cheater's code for sex. Also, cheaters seem to downplay the number of times; if she said two times, it probably was eight to ten times. I don't think it's wise for you to take her at her word at this point.

Affairs are extremely addictive. It's not likely that she truly has ended the affair. It is possible that she has ceased contact for the moment, but will not be able to stop thinking about him and will attempt to contact him again within a week or so. As evidenced by her texts, other man was the first thing she thought about when she woke up in the morning and the last thing she thought about before she went to bed. Other man was the most enjoyable and most important thing in her life.

1. If it is important to you, try to find the truth about whether or not she had sex with the guy and how many times she really saw this guy. Try to get the content of her texts. If not, consider asking her to take a polygraph.

2. Do not act like you are suspicious of her, act like you believe she has ended the affair (maybe she has, but not likely she will be able to keep it up for long). Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. Monitor her for three weeks to see if she gets back in contact with the other man. This is protecting yourself from further lying and cheating by a person who has lied to you and cheated on you.

3. I think she should ditch the friends who covered for her while she cheated on you. They are not friends of yours; in fact, I would say they are enemies of your marriage. Why do you think they encouraged her to date this guy (going on a double date with a married friend and her affair partner is encouragement to cheat)? If you had friends who introduced you to another woman and went on double-dates with you, do you think your wife would be OK with you keeping them as friends?

4. She should give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords, and let you know her whereabouts 24/7 if you ask. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

5. If the other man is married or has a girlfriend, you should tell her. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. One, it's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you want to know? Two, it helps to kill the affair. Other man's wife/girlfriend also will be able to keep an eye out for renewed contact and help you prevent it. Three, it makes other man's life miserable.

6. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore while on her dates with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

7. Look at the other threads on here. Practically everyone posting here felt like you, thought their spouse would never cheat on them, believed their spouse when told it was never physical. Just about all were proven wrong. Will you be the first one to post here where the cheating spouse actually was telling the whole truth right off the bat?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Want to bet when she's out with the BFF, she's really out with the OM? She likely dropped her truck at the BFF house he got picked up for her date.

My advice is to put a var into her truck too catch who she's talking to and what she's saying, and, to find out all you can about the OM. Especially if he's got a wife or gf, if he does call her and tell her what he's been up to with your wife. Which is more than kissing I'm sure.


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

She is a serial cheater this isn't the first time she cheated on you, just the first time she got caught. And it definitely won't be the last. 

Also, 4 am and only kissed...... Sure, I would believe her too


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

No, I like the OP believe that she was with her friend, cause the car was at her house, with her phone charging. I mean where else would she be?? They only kissed twice??? You know she really isn't a serial cheater and has never cheated on him before, because she only cheated once and had a damn good reason to cheat on the ex. 

I am sure she Really has stopped all contact and has learned her lesson. I would trust her and believe her, I mean it isn't like she is cheater who has lied before.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She is sooooo sorry! She just needs a little more time to frost the cake, then she will take it to the other mans house and you will never get a piece!


You are being replaced my friend, sorry.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> It was pretty brazen of her to go out on a "double date" with him and another couple.


are you f*ckin' joking me???


her bff knows you, right? she's definetly NOT a friend of _your _marriage, partner. 

these people are sick.


get ready for some trckle-truth, dude.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I note that the original poster has not shown up again.

IF you do look in once more, trying to find ONE PERSON who will pat your head and tell you everything you sacrificed for the last 8 years is going to be okay...


well...sorry. You haven't found that person yet.

Let me lay it out for you very simply

You feel like a fool and you want all the nummy goodness that your marriage brought you. To avoid the pain and total humilitation and disruption of your life, you are *lying* to yourself. You do NOT want to know the truth even as your rational brain is screaming at you to listen to the people here.

Now, if that is your intention, then here (hands shovel). Go bury your head in the sand and do NOT come back here and read any of a thousand similar stories. She just kissed. Married women stay out till dawn ALL THE TIME...they just don't share it with you.

But allow me to state what the consequences of the head burying will bring. More hidden calls. More late nights. More nights with the 'BFF' probably up to and including sleep overs.

Trickle Truth is FROM the cheating spouse and it is also realized by the betrayed spouse as the facts on the ground erode your denial like acid across metal. Eventually, after a LOT of pain, you are forced to realize the truth...but it's cost you a great deal of self respect and time.

YOU KNOW NOTHING! Everything you believe about this, how to fix it, how to deal with it, how to avoid the confrontations...they all FAIL. It will only bring you pain and despair in greater depth.

So, if you want to come out of this WITH THE LEAST PAIN, you need to listen to these people. You will not come out with zero pain. And you didn't do it! It was done TO YOU.

So...stay away and use that shovel...or maybe come out the other end of this with your wife (long shot) or at least the least pain and some self respect.

Your choice.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Your story is pretty common. They probably had sex.
> 
> Recover the deleted texts and you will find out that they had sex.(what phone does she have?) Denial will be your biggest enemy.
> 
> Read about trickle truth.... Don't trust one word she says until you can verify it.


iPhone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Does she synch it to itunes? You can recover stuff that way. You can also get an iphone stick to do some work for you on recovering pix and texts.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

She doubled with wife's best friend and her husband who set her up? what in the flaming hell? What do you know about these people? Ever heard the term "lifestyle?"

And "kiss" means fvck in the wayward wife confessional lexicon. Ask her if she "kissed" best friend's H.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

In fact, you need to change wife's BFF to XBFF. That couple is toxic.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Hey, just so you know, _she was cheating on you before your big argument at the bar._

Her cheating was one of the variables that _led_ to the argument at the bar.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

I truly hope you don't believe her story about just kissing. That just shows how much she thinks of you by giving you a lame as sexcuse. Open your eyes. If you cant get the text messages, Demand that she takes a poly test. She has no grounds to stand on to expect you to trust her for her actions. At a minimum she went out with another couple and lied to you, Thats bad enough, but to pour more salt in the wound she admitted (lied) about just kissing another man. But common sense says there is more to that.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> My wife of 6 years and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children, 6, 7 and an 11 year old step son from her previous marriage. Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband. I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, it happens. We have had our ups and downs, lost track of the little things that make a marriage work. A little less than a month ago we got in to huge argument at the bar and she stormed out. Mainly because she said she was done with this marriage and my only defense was to tell her she had a week to move out. The next couple days were tough. She was distant, looking for an apartment and would not talk to me at all. I appologized for what I had said to her and expressed how much I love her and I wanted her to stay. The next week or so we talked a little and she was determined she was done with the marriage, refused counciling. She said weve been working on this relationship for 8 years and nothings changed. She agreed to a date night with no alcohol involved. I told her i was going to get a hotel so we could be away from the kids and focus on us. I planned a great night, romantic dinner, art galleries and downtown scene. I had the room decked out with flowers and rose petals, music and candles, i even wrote her a poem and framed it. I know too little too late. The whole nine yards. We had a great evening. Talked, took a bubble bath and made love. The next couple weeks were pretty good. Her attitude changed and she was commited to giving us a second chance. Then on a Friday she asked me if she could go have drinks with a friend. I told her of course, i have always trusted and repected her. She got home at 4am and would not return any of my calls or texts. She said her phone was in the car charging. I know she was with her girlfriend because her girlfriend lives close by and when I took the kids for ice cream I saw her truck there. The next week she had seemed a little distant again and every time I tried to talk to her she said I was smothering her. I grew worried. I still trusted her though. The next week I printed my phone bill for work to get reimbursed and noticed an overage of minutes. So double checking everything I see mutiple calls from her phone to the same number. Mostly on weekend and very late night/early morning. I also so 2 calls to this number the night of our fight. I called the number and got a guys voicemail. I immediately brought this to her attention. She told me he was a friend she was going to do pitures for and his son was on our sons baseball team. She said she called him to vent about our relationship because he could not judge either one of us. I started realizing my wife has been talking to another man about our relationship. She told me she ran into him a month and a half ago and she was going to do family pictures for him. She gave him her card.she said they texted a few times to get a session set up. I wasnt convinced so i had all text messages downloaded. There were over 400 to and from him in the past month and a half. All day long first thing in the morning and right before bed. I brought this to her attention and she confessed to being more than just friends, so even after i confronted her she lied to me. The second time i confronted her she came clean. She said she has gone out with him and another couple twice and each night he gave her a good night kiss and thats as far as its gone. What irritates me is this was going on a month before our fight which she blamed me, more than likely to hide her guilt. She called the guy and left him a message stating she would no longer be talking to him. I understand this was a month and a half long affair that she was hiding from me. Im devastated, not about the kisses but that she was this involved with another man via text and phone. Am I over reacting if all they did was kiss? She feels so guilty, understands theres no excuse for what she did and she is ashamed. Were trying to work through it but im not totally convinced all they did was kiss. Now its like the roles have reversed, im shut down and she is smothering me. Please help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sooo, I recovered all of the text messages and found them all to be petty, nothing to steamy. My concern is the amount of communication between my wife and the OG. There are texts between my wife and her BFF talking about how I'm over reacting because all they did was kiss. I'm still not convinced that is all that happened. They could have planned the text messages knowing I would be reading them. I have done some investigating of my own and know the OG's name, place of business and have tried contacting him. He played it off like they were just friends not knowing my wife had told me more. If shes still lying or not I dont know. But I will find out. I have a couple other tricks up my sleeve that I will discuss at a later time just in case she finds this forum. She does know that I have contacted the OG and since then she has not been in contact with him per her phone calls, texts and emails. She has been leaving her phone unattended, I think its her trying to prove to me shes not hiding anything else. I know she could be contacting him from her work email or another device, but she has not been out of my sight since the fall out. I will be asking her to submit to a polygraph just to see what her response is. If she is not willing that will tell me a lot but if she ever wants to earn my trust back she better be willing to the poly. As far as the BFF goes, they are still in contact via text. She will not be allowed to go out with her for a very long time as even if the BFF didnt set them up she sure as hell harbored the affair and betrayed my trust as well. I have no respect for her or her husband. One concern I have is if I allow her to still be friends with her BFF via text so she can vent/whatnot, the BFF could still be a communication gateway for my wife and OG without me able to monitor. I'm not oposed to puting a recorder in her vehicle just not real sure what type. I will be placing spybubble on her phone as well. What pisses me off is I shouldnt have to do all this. A marriage should be about trust and if u cant trust ur spouse u shouldnt be married to them. I feel like cheating on her to get even, but the thought of sharing myself with another woman makes me sick. Only time will tell
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Olympus for the var, avail at Walmart and best buy. Get two, that way you can swap them out while you listen to the recordeing. Use velcro to secure.

Do not waste time tslking to the OM, what do you really expect him to say or do?

Does the OM have a wife or gf? Do talk to her!


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

OM is single. Olympus digital recorder? What kind of battery life does it have? Do they make a voice activated version so there isnt a lot of dead air while shes at work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> Sooo, I recovered all of the text messages and found them all to be petty, nothing to steamy. My concern is the amount of communication between my wife and the OG. There are texts between my wife and her BFF talking about how I'm over reacting because all they did was kiss. I'm still not convinced that is all that happened. *They could have planned the text messages knowing I would be reading them.*


Now you're thinking like me. Excellent.



stormrugger said:


> I have done some investigating of my own and know the OG's name, place of business and have tried contacting him. He played it off like they were just friends not knowing my wife had told me more.


You actually talked to the guy?



stormrugger said:


> If shes still lying or not I dont know. But I will find out. I have a couple other tricks up my sleeve that I will discuss at a later time just in case she finds this forum. She does know that I have contacted the OG and since then she has not been in contact with him per her phone calls, texts and emails. She has been leaving her phone unattended, I think its her trying to prove to me shes not hiding anything else. I know she could be contacting him from her work email or another device, but she has not been out of my sight since the fall out. I will be asking her to submit to a polygraph just to see what her response is. If she is not willing that will tell me a lot but if she ever wants to earn my trust back she better be willing to the poly. As far as the BFF goes, they are still in contact via text. She will not be allowed to go out with her for a very long time as even if the BFF didnt set them up she sure as hell harbored the affair and betrayed my trust as well. I have no respect for her or her husband. One concern I have is if I allow her to still be friends with her BFF via text so she can vent/whatnot, the BFF could still be a communication gateway for my wife and OG without me able to monitor.


BFF has to go. Forever. She ain't a friend of the marriage.




stormrugger said:


> I'm not oposed to puting a recorder in her vehicle just not real sure what type. I will be placing spybubble on her phone as well.


Digital voice activated recorder as Chap says. Velcro it to the bottom of the driver's seat frame.



stormrugger said:


> What pisses me off is I shouldnt have to do all this. A marriage should be about trust and if u cant trust ur spouse u shouldnt be married to them. I feel like cheating on her to get even, but the thought of sharing myself with another woman makes me sick. Only time will tell


If you don't want to lead the marriage, yes fighting off sexual interlopers is part of being a husband (sorry nobody ever told you, but it's as old as marriage and adultery) you can always file for D or go open marriage.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Just kissing till 4 am at night? Now that is the longest foreplay she had those days. 

Leave her - you (or anyone) anyway can't match that performance.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> Sooo, I recovered all of the text messages and found them all to be petty, nothing to steamy. My concern is the amount of communication between my wife and the OG. There are texts between my wife and her BFF talking about how I'm over reacting because all they did was kiss. I'm still not convinced that is all that happened. They could have planned the text messages knowing I would be reading them. I have done some investigating of my own and know the OG's name, place of business and have tried contacting him. He played it off like they were just friends not knowing my wife had told me more. If shes still lying or not I dont know. But I will find out. I have a couple other tricks up my sleeve that I will discuss at a later time just in case she finds this forum. She does know that I have contacted the OG and since then she has not been in contact with him per her phone calls, texts and emails. She has been leaving her phone unattended, I think its her trying to prove to me shes not hiding anything else. I know she could be contacting him from her work email or another device, but she has not been out of my sight since the fall out. I will be asking her to submit to a polygraph just to see what her response is. If she is not willing that will tell me a lot but if she ever wants to earn my trust back she better be willing to the poly. As far as the BFF goes, they are still in contact via text. She will not be allowed to go out with her for a very long time as even if the BFF didnt set them up she sure as hell harbored the affair and betrayed my trust as well. I have no respect for her or her husband. One concern I have is if I allow her to still be friends with her BFF via text so she can vent/whatnot, the BFF could still be a communication gateway for my wife and OG without me able to monitor. I'm not oposed to puting a recorder in her vehicle just not real sure what type. I will be placing spybubble on her phone as well. What pisses me off is I shouldnt have to do all this. A marriage should be about trust and if u cant trust ur spouse u shouldnt be married to them. I feel like cheating on her to get even, but the thought of sharing myself with another woman makes me sick. Only time will tell
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Are you sure you found the deleted texts ?


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Are you sure you found the deleted texts ?



I believe so, Everyhing was matched up to original text log received from carrier. I texted the OG asking what his relationship was with my wife. He states just friendsand she was going to do pictures for him and his son. He kinda played it off as if he didnt know who she was. He said his line was a business line and it could have been any one of his employees which is BS cause he works hot of his home and only has one employee. I work in B2B sales primarily in the same industry as him and I know a lot of people. If I was a bad man I could ruin this guy. But I'm not, he didnt cheat on me. Anyway, he said if I wanted to ask any more questions it would be ok. He said he understands and would be doing the same thing. I asked him if he would meet me for lunch. He hasnt and probably will not respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Vigilance.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Happy to see the OP isn't as lost as some others.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust but verify.

Another thing, what is she doing to affair proof the marraige?

She has issues man and her lack of boundries and maybe some intitlement issues are going to come back and haunt you in the future.

I've been thru this crap and it just doesn't just go away for chick like ours.......they have issues and guys like us can't fix them. They (our serial cheating wives) have to fix them selves.


----------



## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

She had sex with that other guy. I would almost guarantee it.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

First, the bff is an ex bff FOREVER !!! Thats polygraph should be set up as soon as possible.
That way you won't have to be spending money on devices, and get to the truth faster.

Did you really expect this guy to say he bonked your wife ???
Common sense say no one txts that much unless they involved.
Common sense say she can NEVER be friends with bff anymore.
Common sense say, if she said it was two double dates with bff and her hubby, then ALL FOUR saw it that way.

Sir, you are a grown man with a family, so I can assume you have common sense.

Save yourself a lot of mental and emotional torture waiting to catch her. POLY.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

AND, you do know of 3way calling right ?? She call bff. bff call him.
Presto, no record !!!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> I believe so, Everyhing was matched up to original text log received from carrier. I texted the OG asking what his relationship was with my wife. He states just friendsand she was going to do pictures for him and his son. He kinda played it off as if he didnt know who she was. He said his line was a business line and it could have been any one of his employees which is BS cause he works hot of his home and only has one employee. I work in B2B sales primarily in the same industry as him and I know a lot of people. If I was a bad man I could ruin this guy. But I'm not, he didnt cheat on me. Anyway, he said if I wanted to ask any more questions it would be ok. He said he understands and would be doing the same thing. I asked him if he would meet me for lunch. He hasnt and probably will not respond.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He sounds sketchy as f*ck alright..


----------



## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> My wife of 6 years and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children, 6, 7 and an 11 year old step son from her previous marriage. Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband. I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, it happens. We have had our ups and downs, lost track of the little things that make a marriage work. A little less than a month ago we got in to huge argument at the bar and she stormed out. Mainly because she said she was done with this marriage and my only defense was to tell her she had a week to move out. The next couple days were tough. She was distant, looking for an apartment and would not talk to me at all. I appologized for what I had said to her and expressed how much I love her and I wanted her to stay. The next week or so we talked a little and she was determined she was done with the marriage, refused counciling. She said weve been working on this relationship for 8 years and nothings changed. She agreed to a date night with no alcohol involved. I told her i was going to get a hotel so we could be away from the kids and focus on us. I planned a great night, romantic dinner, art galleries and downtown scene. I had the room decked out with flowers and rose petals, music and candles, i even wrote her a poem and framed it. I know too little too late. The whole nine yards. We had a great evening. Talked, took a bubble bath and made love. The next couple weeks were pretty good. Her attitude changed and she was commited to giving us a second chance. Then on a Friday she asked me if she could go have drinks with a friend. I told her of course, i have always trusted and repected her. She got home at 4am and would not return any of my calls or texts. She said her phone was in the car charging. I know she was with her girlfriend because her girlfriend lives close by and when I took the kids for ice cream I saw her truck there. The next week she had seemed a little distant again and every time I tried to talk to her she said I was smothering her. I grew worried. I still trusted her though. The next week I printed my phone bill for work to get reimbursed and noticed an overage of minutes. So double checking everything I see mutiple calls from her phone to the same number. Mostly on weekend and very late night/early morning. I also so 2 calls to this number the night of our fight. I called the number and got a guys voicemail. I immediately brought this to her attention. She told me he was a friend she was going to do pitures for and his son was on our sons baseball team. She said she called him to vent about our relationship because he could not judge either one of us. I started realizing my wife has been talking to another man about our relationship. She told me she ran into him a month and a half ago and she was going to do family pictures for him. She gave him her card.she said they texted a few times to get a session set up. I wasnt convinced so i had all text messages downloaded. There were over 400 to and from him in the past month and a half. All day long first thing in the morning and right before bed. I brought this to her attention and she confessed to being more than just friends, so even after i confronted her she lied to me. The second time i confronted her she came clean. She said she has gone out with him and another couple twice and each night he gave her a good night kiss and thats as far as its gone. What irritates me is this was going on a month before our fight which she blamed me, more than likely to hide her guilt. She called the guy and left him a message stating she would no longer be talking to him. I understand this was a month and a half long affair that she was hiding from me. Im devastated, not about the kisses but that she was this involved with another man via text and phone. Am I over reacting if all they did was kiss? She feels so guilty, understands theres no excuse for what she did and she is ashamed. Were trying to work through it but im not totally convinced all they did was kiss. Now its like the roles have reversed, im shut down and she is smothering me. Please help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you expected a cheater not to cheat on you. Think about that one for a second before excusing her prior infidelity.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

shazam said:


> So you expected a cheater not to cheat on you. Think about that one for a second before excusing her prior infidelity.


I don't subscribe to the idea that a person cannot change. Cheaters aren't genetically predisposed to being cheaters forever.

That being said, sometimes people *don't* change. And from her ACTIONS, I think Storm has sufficient evidence to wonder exactly that about his spouse.

IF he's brave enough to dig into things. IF he's honest enough to look at is objectively. IF he's strong enough to deal with the issue and not buy into gaslighting.

But it's easy to post this 'tough man' stuff because we don't have kids looking at us or see the face of the woman in his life which used to smile at us that way.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What a piece of work. She set you up with that "fight". I dont think she's showing any remorse. The nerve of her to say you're overreacting.

And once again...I freakin hate the saboteur "friend". They should teach women about this as mandatory cirriculum in school.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sorry you are hear and I am betting you do not know the whole story. I am also a firm beliver that wives and husbands do not neet to go to bars with out your spouses. She is a Mom and you are a Dad. Bar hoping with out your spouse is a big no!

Are you both in MC now. You need to get that going. Also you need to check up on her. As I said I am sure that is not the whole story


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Just to show how much you know, go back to the night she came in at 4am. You rode by and the truck was there. BUT she was on a double date. So they was NOT even there. OR, her and him was there but bff and hubby was not.

Ask her what restaurant they went to. That you are going to check with the waitress that served them.

Dude, she was already looking for a reason to separate so she could see the guy. Anything else is BS.

I don't think you are seeing how serious this is, and yes, her and bff planted the txt about overreacting.

All of a sudden, after she start talking to this guy, the last 8 yrs have been bad.

How many kids does bff have, and ages ???

What you should do is tell her she's right, and you are going to file for D, so she can date anyone she wants.
But if she wants to try to make it work, then she better be ready to answer EVERY question you have, and I can't remember won't cut it. Along with NEVER talking to bff again.

My man, if she give you any trouble about bff or answering Q's, you have the answer to where your marriage ranks in the equation.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> He kinda played it off as if he didnt know who she was. He said his line was a business line and it could have been any one of his employees which is BS cause he works hot of his home and only has one employee._Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah well your wife already admitted at the very least double dates and kissing.They must not have got their stories straight yet.What a lying POS.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Just to show how much you know, go back to the night she came in at 4am. You rode by and the truck was there. BUT she was on a double date. So they was NOT even there. OR, her and him was there but bff and hubby was not.
> 
> Ask her what restaurant they went to. That you are going to check with the waitress that served them.
> 
> ...


Her bff has a 4 n 11 year old. I know she was with bff before they went to restraunt because I talked to her. I spoke with a mutual friend that saw the 4 of them at restraunt , mutual friend said nothing looked inapropriate. I cant say i trust anything at this point but when i read the text messages between her and bff stating all they did was kiss, wife was a little upset. I said now i know all you did was kiss. She said oh you believe my bff and not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You only know what she told her friend. It's a bit disturbing that they are saying "only" a kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

BFF has got to go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So you are good with her staying out till 4am and kissing strange men? Cause it sounds like you have the broom out already.

'It was ONLY' kissing' you might say. 

Sure it was.

Sleep well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> You only know what she told her friend. It's a bit disturbing that they are saying "only" a kiss.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No Im not ok with her kissing other men, especially when there is some type of relationship there. I dont know what to believe. She could have done so much more than just kiss and just not told bff. The only way to get the truth is submitting to poly. She says its hard to talk about because she feels guilty and ashamed. Im lost. If they only did kiss and she is telling the truth I may be able to move past this. If shes lying again I am done. I dont know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> If shes lying again I am done. I dont know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Start preparing yourself to actually mean this and follow through. Of course you can have hope still, this is your marriage, and certainly not how you want it to be. But this is the situation you're presented with. You need to deal with it as such.

At the very very least your wife is sliding down a serious slope, and the things you do going forward matter very much. You want it to go away, of course, most of us have been there. Some of the relationships were salvaged, many more are over now. If it's over, you'll do a lot better in the long run if its over on your terms from here on out.

You can't trust anyone involved, and you know it. Yes, even the BFF and the mutual friend. 

Advice is to lay low and get evidence that she can't refute and explain away (and more importantly, that YOU can't refute or explain away)...then drop the hammer and start moving on for yourself.

Also, you said you read her texts...off of her phone directly? Or did you pull the backup log from her computer and read the deleted texts too?

Sorry you're here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> No Im not ok with her kissing other men, especially when there is some type of relationship there. I dont know what to believe. She could have done so much more than just kiss and just not told bff. The only way to get the truth is submitting to poly. She says its hard to talk about because she feels guilty and ashamed. Im lost. If they only did kiss and she is telling the truth I may be able to move past this. If shes lying again I am done. I dont know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. The conflict isn't 'what' to do. It is whether you want the truth.

Warning. The mere act of SEEKING the truth may alienate her no matter her innocent.

Even the poly isn't 100% but it's probably more accurate than she will be.

Two choices:

Cheap way: "You drop BFF. You go totally NC with that man. I get every cell phone and media password. You don't TALK to men and you stay home when you aren't working for the foreseeable future. Think at least a year! Or pack your bag. And I mean it about that skank."

Downside: Your wife may have already gotten a dose of man juice and you won't know.

Expensive way: get a PI. Get a poly. Depose the people involved (BFF, OM, wife) in your filed divorce settlement.

Downside: money. Not 100%. You might actually learn things you don't want to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Start preparing yourself to actually mean this and follow through. Of course you can have hope still, this is your marriage, and certainly not how you want it to be. But this is the situation you're presented with. You need to deal with it as such.
> 
> At the very very least your wife is sliding down a serious slope, and the things you do going forward matter very much. You want it to go away, of course, most of us have been there. Some of the relationships were salvaged, many more are over now. If it's over, you'll do a lot better in the long run if its over on your terms from here on out.
> 
> ...


Synced to computer and got all deleted messages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, cut yourself some slack. Do you want to be monitoring for the forseeable future ???
Tell her you have set up a poly, and IF she pass you can work on the marriage. But until this is resolved to where you feel comfortable nothing happened, its like waiting fo the other shoe to drop. And you won't live like that.

Of course she is going to accuse you of NOT trusting her.
Thats your que to step by step line by line, give her every lie told, every shady move made, every phone call an txt avoided, then ask why in the hell would believe her.
Just tell her if she was so into fixing this, she would be doing all she could to reassure you.
But after the way she blindsided you with not being happy, and thinking about leaving you, right around the time she started talking to pos om, you want the truth. 

Either way, she can forget about bff forever, and doing any work for him.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> A little less than a month ago we got in to huge argument at the bar and she stormed out.
> 
> I understand this was a month and a half long affair that she was hiding from me.
> Im devastated, not about the kisses but that she was this involved with another man via text and phone.
> ...


Poly, get this stuff taken care of now.
The guy kiss so good she was looking for an apartment, yeah right.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Dude, cut yourself some slack. Do you want to be monitoring for the forseeable future ???
> Tell her you have set up a poly, and IF she pass you can work on the marriage. But until this is resolved to where you feel comfortable nothing happened, its like waiting fo the other shoe to drop. And you won't live like that.
> 
> Of course she is going to accuse you of NOT trusting her.
> ...


Slight correction: Her choice is the BFF/POS OR her husband and good name. She can't have both.

Is her mom still alive? Why haven't you discussed this with her? If she knew her daughter was coming home at 4 am with another man, she might have a few choice words for her...someone she CAN'T just divorce when it's convienient. Let her know exactly how she'll be seen if she goes down this path.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> Slight correction: Her choice is the BFF/POS OR her husband and good name. She can't have both.
> 
> Is her mom still alive? Why haven't you discussed this with her? If she knew her daughter was coming home at 4 am with another man, she might have a few choice words for her...someone she CAN'T just divorce when it's convienient. Let her know exactly how she'll be seen if she goes down this path.


Funny thing... Her mom actually lives with us to help care for the kids. Her mom is aware of what happened and was told the same story as me. The first night this all started I was out of town and wife and BFF went out to dinner and drinks. Wife told her mom she was going to crash at BFF's so she wouldnt have to drive home, which is understandable. Mom didnt suspect anything. I know wife hasnt seen OM more than the two times she told me about because she doesnt have time. We are always together unless shes at work, she doesnt have vacation and if she took a sick day I would see it on her paycheck. Im just concerned that the two times she did see him something happened more than a goodnight kiss. I want to believe her but its hard because all the lies up to this point. I keep asking questions and want answers and she is getting frustrated. She said I dont know how to prove all that happened was a kiss. This was my opening to suggest polygraph. She said if thats what its going to take then she'll do it. Not that the excessive conversations, lieing and kissing isnt bad because it is and I'm very hurt but I just want the truth. I want to deal with this once and start getting past it. I dont want to make progress and then be blindsided again down the road with something proving they did more than kiss. I cant go through this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What is her mom's reaction? It sounds like mom is suddenly c*ck blocking the OM, though I may be reading too much into this.

Have you had a conversation with the MIL?

You have also avoided telling us if you've demanded NC with the OM and BFF or I've missed it. If you have done so, what is the wife's reaction. Honestly her exasperation with your questions (at least that's how it sounds) should be a red flag. SHE put herself here, not you.

You know what? I'd also have a Conversation with the BFF's husband and indicate how p.o.ed you are that he didn't give you a heads up about the POS. Call in that guilt marker. If he's a man instead of a male, he will help or at least keep you informed. Or maybe have a 'Come to Jesus' talk with his wife. Your choice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

P.S.

Your rush to 'get past this' is not good. It's distorting your judgement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> What is her mom's reaction? It sounds like mom is suddenly c*ck blocking the OM, though I may be reading too much into this.
> 
> Have you had a conversation with the MIL?
> 
> ...


Her mom and I have talked briefly, nothing in depth. She is sorry we are going thru this and has let me know she is here for me. She has cut all ties with the OM. As far as BFF, they still talk but will not be doing anything together without me which means they wont be seeing eachother for awhile because I know her BFF would be very uncomfortable around me given the circumstances. Im really not trying to rush through this healing process, i have good days and bad days. But, getting to the bottom of it and knowing (not believing) everything has consumed me and I have become obsessed with knowing what happened. I find myself trying to catch her in another lie but Im about out of ideas. So I either know everything or I need to find proof something else happened before she comes clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Do the polygraph for your own sanity. It will not only help you but it will scare the $hit of your wife and she will see how serious this was.


Yes indeed. She said she would do it probably not knowing how serious I was. Once I have it scheduled I will see what her reaction is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> Yes indeed. She said she would do it probably not knowing how serious I was. Once I have it scheduled I will see what her reaction is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Usually just the threat of a polygraph will bring out the rest of the story.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I know how this uncertainty kills you. I am still not out of it. However, you seem to have changed a bit since your first post - Now you are feeling the gravity of this affair. Unless you do poly (and maybe afterwards also) you will never be fully satisfied about the truth. 

After you fix a date for poly,

1. She might break down in front of her mother and tell her everything and ask for advice.
2. Ditto - with her friends, OM, anybody whom she trusts. 
3. Except you.

Poly may or may not reveal anything - but you must - very closely - without any lapse - monitor her body language - her sleeping pattern - her talking with you - her phone calls and her online chats -her Google searches about poly - monitor all of them after you decide the date to go for the test. This might reveal more than actual poly. I am not doubting poly - I am not sure about her capability.

Best luck - you have already suffered a lot. I wish you a peace of mind.


----------



## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> One issue is next year if theyre on the same team together do i let my wife go to his games knowing this guy will be there. From what i know they have stopped all contact.


I'm no expert, but pretty sure No contact means none! Obviously she should go to your sons games, but alone would be a *bad* idea. If at all possible make it a family event. If she goes alone you will spend the entire time wondering and worrying that something is going on.Not good for you.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

gumby0811 said:


> I'm no expert, but pretty sure No contact means none! Obviously she should go to your sons games, but alone would be a *bad* idea. If at all possible make it a family event. If she goes alone you will spend the entire time wondering and worrying that something is going on.Not good for you.


I agree. Tough thing is I coach the two little ones and sometimes their games are at the same time. Usually when this happens my wife goes to our oldest sons game for support while Im with the little ones across town and this is going to be an issue. I just hate taking that away from our oldest son. Hes not a part of this, why should he have to suffer? I explained this to my wife. She did not think about everyone involved when she did this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> I agree. Tough thing is I coach the two little ones and sometimes their games are at the same time. Usually when this happens my wife goes to our oldest sons game for support while Im with the little ones across town and this is going to be an issue. I just hate taking that away from our oldest son. Hes not a part of this, why should he have to suffer? I explained this to my wife. She did not think about everyone involved when she did this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right it sux but this is her fault and she lost certain privileges and one of them is going to any event alone and om being there and no more gno without you and no more toxic friends!


----------



## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

tdwal said:


> If your parents are around, send the Grandfather. I love to follow my sons games.


My thought exactly, is there no other family member around that could go with her? Obviously her friends are out (as they have proven) and if you won't let hers, she won't agree to yours without a fight. But a family member could do well


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

stormrugger said:


> My wife of 6 years and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children, 6, 7 and an 11 year old step son from her previous marriage.* Her first marriage ended because she was unfaithful. She was unhappy and they only way to get out of the marriage was to cheat on her now Ex-husband.* I knew this coming in to our relationship and did not have a problem with it at all, it happens.



So, it looks like the same is happening now.

She has gone through this before. She knows what she's doing.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Find a different league for the boy. Don't allow him to go to games with mom. Do NOT send W AT ALL! Seeing the OM in those tight shorts with those broad shoulders with a dose of 'forbidden love' and she'll be wet as November with her heart all aflutter. This, needless to say, is not in your interest.

So he goes with gammy or a FAMILY friend or he goes alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you confronted her bff ?


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Have you confronted her bff ?


No, I tried getting bff and husband, om, myself and wife al together but apparantly that would make everyone uncomfortable. Everyone could care less how incomfortable i am right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> As far as BFF, they still talk but will not be doing anything together without me which means they wont be seeing eachother for awhile because I know her BFF would be very uncomfortable around me given the circumstances.


BFF has to go. Forever.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> BFF has to go. Forever.


I agree...but only after you rain on her (BFFs) parade with her husband. If he's shameless than never mind.

If he HAS a conscience, he won't like their role in the demise of your marriage. (Yes it's close to dead) He will react accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> No, I tried getting bff and husband, om, myself and wife al together but apparantly that would make everyone uncomfortable. Everyone could care less how incomfortable i am right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Talk to a lawyer. Make sure you wife knows. Bring home the paperwork. Do not play games. Take control. There is more to this. 

Tell you wife the OM told you more than she has and it is time to come clean because you know the truth.

bff must go too.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> I agree...but only after you rain on her (BFFs) parade with her husband. If he's shameless than never mind.
> 
> If he HAS a conscience, he won't like their role in the demise of your marriage. (Yes it's close to dead) He will react accordingly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im pretty sure the OM is one of his buddies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Talk to a lawyer. Make sure you wife knows. Bring home the paperwork. Do not play games. Take control. There is more to this.
> 
> Tell you wife the OM told you more than she has and it is time to come clean because you know the truth.
> 
> bff must go too.


I tried that and she called my bluff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Polygraph


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> Im pretty sure the OM is one of his buddies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That tells you all you need to know then.

So...have you told her to go NC with the BFF?

And stop bluffing. Get a divorce decree ironed out. Serve her. Make that cake taste oh so bitter.

I get you don't want it to end. But have you had any sense she has remorse about this?


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> That tells you all you need to know then.
> 
> So...have you told her to go NC with the BFF?
> 
> ...


I honestly believe she is ashamed and remorseful. I have done some research on local polygraph companies. Im going to tell her i have scheduled the test and see where that takes us. Also, we have our first MC session today so hopefull this will help her open up. She has limited contact with the bff (phone and text) which I have been monitoring closely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> I honestly believe she is ashamed and remorseful. I have done some research on local polygraph companies. Im going to tell her i have scheduled the test and see where that takes us. Also, we have our first MC session today so hopefull this will help her open up. She has limited contact with the bff (phone and text) which I have been monitoring closely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good to hear I wish the best for you stay vigilant.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> I honestly believe she is ashamed and remorseful. I have done some research on local polygraph companies. Im going to tell her i have scheduled the test and see where that takes us. Also, we have our first MC session today so hopefull this will help her open up. She has limited contact with the bff (phone and text) which I have been monitoring closely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the answer is no. She can pass messages along to the OM through the BFF and her hubby/buddy. They can tell each other how much you are overreacting. They can plan a GNO (that 'G' can just as easily mean 'guy') while she's 'shopping'.

I think it is a bad mistake to allow her to keep talking to this woman who thinks it just dandy for YOUR wife to double date and 'kiss' her hubby's buddy till 4 a.m.

It sounds like you don't think you have power in the relationship to be able to demand much. Marriage is always a compromise and a balancing act but there are things you need to insist on or you give up your soul.

Think very hard on what you can and cannot live with.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> I honestly believe she is ashamed and remorseful. I have done some research on local polygraph companies. Im going to tell her i have scheduled the test and see where that takes us. Also, we have our first MC session today so hopefull this will help her open up. She has limited contact with the bff (phone and text) which I have been monitoring closely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Do not tell her.

Schedule one and then take her for a ride. Do not tell until you are in the parking lot before the polygraph appt.

You would be amazed what might come out of her mouth before the appt.

If she has told you everything then the appt will go without a hitch.

Keep her in the dark. It has more effect and she will realize just how troubled you are by her actions.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> No. Do not tell her.
> 
> Schedule one and then take her for a ride. Do not tell until you are in the parking lot before the polygraph appt.
> 
> ...



Good point!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't let her prepare for the test , you will get an inconclusive result. Which by it self tells you she is lying through ommision, and you want get an real facts about the specifics.

If she prepares, the question say..."did it get physical" could mean any thing from holding hands, hugs and kissing to HJ, oral and even intercourse.

I suggest you consult with the examiner and work out the guestions and the wording before the day of the exam.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I did a bit of study on this issue (okay, I cruised ONE website).

That person claimed that he was supposed to meet the person involved before the session so they wouldn't be tense and thrown off by the new situation.

He should consult with the polygraph expert in this regard.

As far as questions:

"How many times have you met OM?"

"Did you have sex with other people after you were married besides your husband?"

"Did you have any sexual contact outside of kissing, hugging or hand holding with the OM?"

"Do you want sexual contact with the OM to continue?"

"Have you had sex with anyone besides your husband since you were engaged to your current husband?"

The other thing that the polygraph said was that they would answer ONE issue (using multiple questions to do so) I think it's that of infidelity, not so? Did she cross the line, not necessarily with the OM, but with ANYONE?

And for what it's worth, I doubt that your wife is a secret agent or knows off the top of her head how to defeat a polygraph. MAYBE she can mess up the results...and maybe not.


----------



## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

Update: So after about a week and a half I believe I have some truth. I knew that my wife and the OM had been texting and calling, but no emails. I had checked all email accounts and with the amount of texting they wouldnt have time to email as well. I created an email acoount in each one of their names for example: [email protected] freedomain.com and [email protected]. I started by sending emails from the OM directly to my wifes phone, example: ph#[email protected] carrier.com so she would receive it as a text message. I tried this to myself first to confirm it would work and it did. She would receive a text message from an email address that appeared to be from the OM. The first 4 I sent to her went unanswered. Messages like "u out n about tonite" and "if u n ur husband arent working things out I'd like to see u again". After knowing that she was not contacting him back I sent a message to her from the OM asking her to tell her husband the truth because he kept texting me and it was getting in the way of business. This one my wife responded to stating "Im sorry, my husband is just looking for reassurance, I have told him everything, we are working things out so please discontinue contacting me". This was a light of hope. I still wasnt convinced, I think I kind of played my hand too quickly. My wife sent me a copy of what the OM messaged her and her response. I waited a few days then sent my wife another message from the OM stating "I apologize for contacting you. I sent you husband a text telling him everything along with all details." She sent me a copy of that text asking if I had received a text from the OM. I stated I hadnt received any thing and if there was anything she wanted to tell me before I received it. She said no, if he tells you everything our stories will match up. A few hours later I told her I received his message and things werent adding up. I kept playing it off like I had more info than I really did and she would not budge. I stated not in detail that the OM had said yhere was more to it than just a kiss. She still would not budge and insisted there was only a kiss. She was about to call the OM with me on the phone with her to rip this guy for lieing to me. I told her no, I believe you. 

We had our first MC session yesterday and it went well. She now understands where Im coming from and how hurt I am over this. Kiss or full on sex she betrayed my trust and says it will never happen again, not to mention the amount of stress I put on her with these false messages. The OM never did respond to the fake message from my wife but he did respond to my text stating all they did was kiss and they only saw eachother the two times confirming what my wife had told me. He apologized and stated he was just being friendly and there were no other intentions.

Am I totally convinced..... Um no. But this is giving my mind a break from being totally consumed and now I feel like eating and working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Um.

Your little scheme might have worked. The only way it wouldn't work (and I'm trying not to be negative here) is if they were already in contact with each other and KNEW they weren't sending anythng to each other.

In which case, YOU were played. Keep your eyes wide open.

She can send an NC letter and she really REALLY needs to drop that friend.

And that guy is a lying POS about his 'intentions'.

Has she had ANY rational explanation about coming in at 4 am?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She was dating the OM with the support of her BFF and her husband. This is not the actions of a faithful wife. So she gives him a "goodnight" kiss until 4 am. This is a PA even if sex was not involved. When do bars and restaurants close in your area? Has she given an explanation about where she was from closing time until 4 am? At BFF's house with OM is my bet.

I agree with JCD - don't let your guard down. Do the poly.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> As far as the whole double date thing, its her best friend and husband. This guy is a friend of theyres. Its not like they set them up. My wife and her friend went out and ran into this guy, my wifes bff knew him and then this guy and my wife put two and two together that our sons play on the same baseball team. One issue is next year if theyre on the same team together do i let my wife go to his games knowing this guy will be there. From what i know they have stopped all contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not without you present. IF he is there she doesn't need to be there alone. Post Affair temptation is there and it will just bring all of this back up. I also don't believe that it was just a kiss good night. I think there is more. time to pull out the gloves and start asking the hard questions.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

badbane said:


> Not without you present. IF he is there she doesn't need to be there alone. Post Affair temptation is there and it will just bring all of this back up. I also don't believe that it was just a kiss good night. I think there is more. time to pull out the gloves and start asking the hard questions.


Heck, it's taken us all we can give for him to be suspicious and not buy the BS!

Hard questions...I'm not sure I have that energy in me.

Sorry Storm, but you're pretty passive here.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Is the Poly test still going to happen?


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would echo the advice of a lot of folks on here - if she went on a double date with the BFF then that person cannot be trusted as a friend to help with your marriage an shouldn't be contacting your wife. The fact that she also feels that you're overreacting reinforces that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

