# So when do you tell people ur dating....



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

That you are divorced? I just met this woman that i believe we are clicking pretty well. After my failed marriage (with no baggage), i started going to church to meet people and create new friendships instead of in the clubs/downtown night life. Well our preacher introduced us and i think we are hitting it off pretty well, just trying to take it slow.
However, I'm scared to death to tell her of my situation, thinking she may get scared and run off. I know i have to eventually tell her if our friendship/relationship turns more serious. But how would you go about doing it? Ugh.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I wonder if your preacher gave her any clues. She may know more than you think. Asking her what preacher said about you may be a good convo starter.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

How old are you? Just ask the other person, "So, have you ever been married before?" Odds are they will answer and reply with the same question. You just answer, "yes, I'm divorced with ___ children" (even if it's zero) and move on. Until you really begin to get to know someone, the details aren't necessary. 

(Unless your ex is crazy and her life would be in danger, LOL)


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I've found that people are really cool with it, hell I'm still legally married and haven't found anyone that is a dealbreaker for.

As long as you're able to learn from it, that you're not bitter or emotionally involved. Not having kids helps too, that adds some serious drama.

Can you answer these questions:

What created the breakdown in your last marriage?

What are you doing to make sure that won't happen again?

If so, I wouldn't worry about it. My philosophy is like 2nd or 3rd date, but I would never lie if they ask me on the first.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

legiox said:


> After my failed marriage (with no baggage)


Whatever you do, don't refer to children as "baggage". They are the innocents who are damaged to a large degree by their parents inability to keep their promises.

Using such a derogatory term says something about yourself that she probably won't like very much.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't think he meant children - I thought he meant emotional baggage as in very little drama - never heard of kids as baggage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

COguy said:


> I've found that people are really cool with it, hell I'm still legally married and haven't found anyone that is a dealbreaker for.
> 
> As long as you're able to learn from it, that you're not bitter or emotionally involved. Not having kids helps too, that adds some serious drama.
> 
> ...



Still being married can be an issue - the two guys I've dated who were separated were oddly the two I've been serious about in all of my single years. One drug it out unable to finalize and make the break whereas the other one it was too soon after the end of the marriage.

If I went for another separated guy I'd be stupid. It's not about freedom to remarry - no hurry on that front. It's about being emotionally available. Some might be but it's a red flag for me, now.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't think he meant children - I thought he meant emotional baggage as in very little drama - never heard of kids as baggage.


He might not have meant children but she might see it that way.

If she did, she surely wouldn't be the first.

Google is your friend.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=baggage


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I've never had to google common terms. If someone doesn't understand the generic 'baggage', we don't need to date. I've never heard it in reference to children and I've been dating for 9 years since my separation/divorce. I have baggage in that, I don't tolerate bad tempers. A guy who raises his voice in anger shuts me down. My daughter, however, is my daughter.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've never had to google common terms. If someone doesn't understand the generic 'baggage', we don't need to date. I've never heard it in reference to children and I've been dating for 9 years since my separation/divorce. I have baggage in that, I don't tolerate bad tempers. A guy who raises his voice in anger shuts me down. My daughter, however, is my daughter.


You refuse to date a guy who has a different connotation of the word "baggage" and who has a bad temper and who shuts you down, and that's of course your choice and as far as the temper thing goes, I agree with you.

However this isn't about you and your understanding of common terms. The op might date a woman who has a daughter, who understands the meaning of "baggage" to be a derogatory reference to children and she just might nodd silently while inside she's mentally kicking him to the curb as soon as he utters that word, he'd be wondering why she never responded to that next date request, and that would be a rather unfortunate miscommunication.

Which is precisely why I'm suggesting he not say it.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

would this not be like on the TIPPY TOP of the list of things to tell them even before you get involved????


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't know if the definition of 'baggage' would come up. I don't have a lot of emotional baggage, really just the one thing. If he said he had baggage I would assume it was emotional and I might avoid him for that reason, not because he did or didn't mean it as children.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> would this not be like on the TIPPY TOP of the list of things to tell them even before you get involved????


For me, I think so. I would want someone to know before any quality time was spent. 

My marital status and two children have already proved to be an efficient way to turn away "interested" ones-- they can save face, and their intentions are proven. You can literally see the smile turn and it's almost funny how quickly they try to extricate themselves from the conversation. Not that I blame them, this has happened in trendy spots and bars, so I don't really expect (nor want) serious propositions for a romantic date. 

My point is, I would not like to have to see that reaction after starting to "like" someone. Although I have no idea how long that might take either, but my guess is that a third date is long enough. 

Haha! Sooo not ready for any of this. 
:-/


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> For me, I think so. I would want someone to know before any quality time was spent.
> 
> My marital status and two children have already proved to be an efficient way to turn away "interested" ones-- they can save face, and their intentions are proven. You can literally see the smile turn and it's almost funny how quickly they try to extricate themselves from the conversation. Not that I blame them, this has happened in trendy spots and bars, so I don't really expect (nor want) serious propositions for a romantic date.
> 
> ...


Umm maybe they're making that face because you're saying it so fast.

If I just met a girl and we were getting to know eachother and she goes, "Before you start liking me, I'm divorced with two kids." I would give her the funny face look.

I'd tell someone if I had herpes too, but I wouldn't mention it on the first date.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Still being married can be an issue - the two guys I've dated who were separated were oddly the two I've been serious about in all of my single years. One drug it out unable to finalize and make the break whereas the other one it was too soon after the end of the marriage.
> 
> If I went for another separated guy I'd be stupid. It's not about freedom to remarry - no hurry on that front. It's about being emotionally available. Some might be but it's a red flag for me, now.


I've learned from my short time being single that emotional availability has nothing to do with marital status.

Some of these girls have been single 40 years and are less emotionally available than me.

I certainly am not tied down by my STBX, yeah she adds drama to my otherwise stress-free life, but I wouldn't dream of going back to her. Nor do I long for her to be back in my life.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

COguy said:


> Umm maybe they're making that face because you're saying it so fast.
> 
> If I just met a girl and we were getting to know eachother and she goes, "Before you start liking me, I'm divorced with two kids." I would give her the funny face look.
> 
> I'd tell someone if I had herpes too, but I wouldn't mention it on the first date.


Yes, I'm sure if I dropped the bomb like that, it would be awkward. 

If someone shows an interest in me and asks me about my life, my kids are going to come up fairy quickly. I would consciously have to leave them out, and considering how much a part of my life they are, that would practically be deception. The marital status is sometimes a natural follow-up, sometimes it seems to be understood and doesn't need to be mentioned. 

Good one for comparing children of those trying (or not even really trying) to date to an STD. 

You're childless, I presume.

OP doesn't seem to have children. If that were my situation, I most likely would not mention a divorce during initial getting-to-know-you banter. Second or third date does seem reasonable.

I was just opining about different circumstances. Thread jack, I guess?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm separated for going on 20 months now and have been greatly detached from STBXW. I'd absolutely give my eye teeth to be able to date again, but because of the ardent respect that I have for the institution of marriage, I just cannot bring myself to do that until such time that the ink is fastly dried on the divorce decree!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If she hasn't even asked you about your history yet, it either doesn't matter, or else you are considered very young to be divorced and it hasn't crossed her mind yet. If you are clicking, it shouldn't be a big deal to her, but if it's too much for her to cope with well then that's how it is... I wouldn't worry too much about bringing up the topic unless it feels natural to go there, like SJB said, she may even already know.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I've never heard of divorce 'baggage' to mean kids. Never.

I don't understand what the big issue is. It wouldn't concern me in the least for a woman to know I was divorced (if/when I am). It's so common why would it really matter. Unless you'd been married like, 3 or more times or something.

Personally, I'd be looking for relationships with women who have been married before and have children. I don't think I could relate to anyone who'd never been married before and never had kids.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> For me, I think so. I would want someone to know before any quality time was spent.
> 
> My marital status and two children have already proved to be an efficient way to turn away "interested" ones-- they can save face, and their intentions are proven. You can literally see the smile turn and it's almost funny how quickly they try to extricate themselves from the conversation. Not that I blame them, this has happened in trendy spots and bars, so I don't really expect (nor want) serious propositions for a romantic date.
> 
> ...


I would think kids would come up fairly soon in a conversation - it always does with me - just a natural progression. Maybe it's because I'm 44 so most men assume I do have kids? How old are you? If you are very young, hanging at 'trendy' bars, that might make for a bit of surprise among the patrons there who might instead expect a hip young pretty woman to be single with no kids. Just a guess. 

But 3 dates is a long time for that to not come up. I could see not mentioning it right off (like Coguy said) but after the social norms of discussing what activities you like, what you do for a living, seems to me that kids and divorce come shortly thereafter.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I could see not mentioning it right off (like Coguy said) but after the social norms of discussing what activities you like, what you do for a living, seems to me that kids and divorce come shortly thereafter.


:iagree: Exactly. It takes me awhile to warm up to someone to the point where I'd go on a date and by the time that happens they will know my situation (separated and in the process of getting divorced, 2 kids aged 18 and 15, hobbies, work, etc) so if they wanted to take it to the next level they'd be informed. 

I'm not looking to get married here, just go out and have some fun! No, it doesn't mean a hook up either, maybe dinner/drinks/movie/a hike or something like that. 

Anyway, I'm at the point emotionally that if someone I was interested in was interested in me I'd update them on the situation, then the ball is in their court. 

Probably helps that I can date or remain "as is". Makes no real difference to me. I don't have much riding this. 

As for the term "baggage" I always thought it to be as in "emotional baggage" or having nasty Ex in the wings or being saddled with debt but I can see how some would extend that to children. I'd hope not though. I don't see my kids as "baggage" at all but they are a commitment in my life that comes before anyone else.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I would think kids would come up fairly soon in a conversation - it always does with me - just a natural progression. Maybe it's because I'm 44 so most men assume I do have kids? How old are you? If you are very young, hanging at 'trendy' bars, that might make for a bit of surprise among the patrons there who might instead expect a hip young pretty woman to be single with no kids. Just a guess.
> 
> But 3 dates is a long time for that to not come up. I could see not mentioning it right off (like Coguy said) but after the social norms of discussing what activities you like, what you do for a living, seems to me that kids and divorce come shortly thereafter.


We are of the same mind. Did you see my reply to COguy?

I'm 34, btw. Although, beer goggles would put me under 30. 

It' all just for argument's sake, anyway. I'm not interested in a date. I like going out, meeting people, engaging in conversations with interesting humans, but it ends there... Well I have met a new woman friend this way recently, but that's beside the point. I have kids to raise, school to attend, and personal issues to overcome. I'm not in a healthy place.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I'd find a way to bring it up ASAP, but again it comes to age. I'm 39, and would prefer a man who's been married and has kids, because we'd be at a similar point in life.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> We are of the same mind. Did you see my reply to COguy?
> 
> I'm 34, btw. Although, beer goggles would put me under 30.
> 
> It' all just for argument's sake, anyway. I'm not interested in a date. I like going out, meeting people, engaging in conversations with interesting humans, but it ends there... Well I have met a new woman friend this way recently, but that's beside the point. I have kids to raise, school to attend, and personal issues to overcome. I'm not in a healthy place.


Went back to read... and btw he does have children.


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