# How long does it take for the pain to go away.



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Man, this sucks so bad. I, my friends, my family, all of you on this board, all indicated after I laid out observations that it was more than likely a third party was involved in my marital crisis. I too saw the writing on the wall, but just did not want to believe it. My wife (soon to be ex) continually lied to my face, lied to our counsellor and was in the midst of developing a strong emotional affair, leading to physical one while I and my kids "sit back". She then throws divorce papers at me, I discover details, leading to her acknowledgment of the affair and that she is in love with the dude. 

My family fabric is destroyed, my finances are taking a huge hit, there are uncertainties everywhere and my gut/heart has a huge gaping hole. Not only this my wife claims to me and people "That I deserved this for abusing her all these years",and "this is what I get for being a ****ty husband".

I can't say how much that pains. I have some flaws like everybody else, but those adjectives are so exaggerated it is not funny. I have been a pretty decent husband. I have not been what you would call abusive through a 16 year relationship. No way, no how. Her attitude is also against the grain of all the love she's shown me through the years. Those notions and everything else is so goddamn painful, meanwhile she'll "rationalize" away things in inaccurate ways where she actually feels OK....and she's the one who cheated, and lied to my face about so many things.

It isn't fair. It just isn't. I did not deserve this. My kids did not deserve this, and all will financially ruin us. Our standard of living will have to take a dive. My reputation does not deserve this. My wife is now poo-pooing 14 years of a pretty decent marriage, and going out of her way to pulll out specific arguments to rationalize stuff, meanwhile we had so many great times. It makes no sense to me.

This was the single most important person for me in the last 16 years. What are the best steps for me to move on? 16 years is a long time to just cast off the side. How can I ensure my reputation is not tainted inaccuarately as I know my wife is unfairly doing. How can I get this pain in my heart to go away. I feel so down about everything. How long will it take for me to feel normal again.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I don't know. I'm trying to move on from a 14 year long marriage (together 15 years) I feel like an empty shell of a person.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

For starters, it's gonna hurt like hell in the beginning, nothing can change that. It does get a little easier day by day, but I am still a hurtin mess sometimes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think the pain ever completely goes away.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Man it is her reputation not yours she went outside the marriage not you. Take care of you your kids self improve, antidepressants if need be, you cant take the beating for her CHOICE to go outside the marriage. If she did not say to you I am thinking of doing this stop me then she was playing the one sided game you had no chance to defend yourself......thats how i feel about it. 

Getting over the pain, i think depends on how you attack the situation and your personality. Make it a battle that you want to end asap as far as the pain and your recovery goes. Because I believe you can do that and still maintain the hope that anything is possible a new relationship or a healed old one.

Divorcecare folks say 1 year for every 3 of marriage.

The tough part is the kids.

Hang in there.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

disbelief said:


> Man it is her reputation not yours she went outside the marriage not you. Take care of you your kids self improve, antidepressants if need be, you cant take the beating for her CHOICE to go outside the marriage. If she did not say to you I am thinking of doing this stop me then she was playing the one sided game you had no chance to defend yourself......thats how i feel about it.
> 
> Getting over the pain, i think depends on how you attack the situation and your personality. Make it a battle that you want to end asap as far as the pain and your recovery goes. Because I believe you can do that and still maintain the hope that anything is possible a new relationship or a healed old one.
> 
> ...


Great. So I have 5 years before I can heal.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Agreed RWB, I actually feel quite healed frome the A stuff only 6 Months since d day but knowledge leads to power and healing and I just keep cramming it in.
Now if we actually divorce I am sure I will have another stage of grief to go through............the whatever point. Ya just have to let go and the powers that be will sort it out.....I hope!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Whats the biggest problem for me though, is I know my wife will make it out as though I was the bad guy who didn't make this marriage work, when in reality when looking at the details, the opposite can easily be argued. I know she's painting up a picture where she says is from her perspective, but indeed it is a wrong exaggerated perspective. Therefore, any people that are more in her circles that I have known through the years will get an inaccurate picture of what really happened with us, and that is so, so unfair. I know that these people have liked me for the most part, but now due to rationalizations on my wife's behalf, will receive wrong and unfair information, which will slander me inaccurately. My wife has already done this.

I don't want to be adversarial, mostly for the sake of my kids, but I have "dirt". I've got piles, and piles of it that paint my wife out to be emotionally immature, a liar and a cheat. But do I want to pull all that out to save my own reputation? Or should I just "let go". I hem and haw about this concept constantly. This woman, the single most important person in my last 16 years, betrayed me and our family. That's the best word I can put on everything (Betrayal) In some ways I have this desire for "everybody to know", and set the record straight but in others I think I should just let it go. 
She's the one who lied about so many things, cheated, shut down any normal communications in the process, and exhibited the lewd/crude behaviors, while I wanted to work on us. Why should I be the one to be slandered?

What have you guys done, or what would you do?


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Sometimes life is just unfair. This whole thing is a s%*t sandwich for you. The slander only matters if she is using it to get your children away from you, and a lawyer can help with that. Don't respond in kind, just explain that she is rationalizing her behavior and twisting reality to justify herself.



That's exactly what she's doing, and anyone who has really known us as a couple would say the same. Is there a word for that by the way?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

pjbap said:


> Is there a word for that by the way?


"kunt".


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

just remember the truth always rises no matter what she says!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

pjbap said:


> Is there a word for that by the way?


Yes, there are terms that outline the standard DS behavior.

First your Wife is in The Fog (read link)

Most of what she is saying and doing is standard "fog" behavior. Prior to the affair coming to light those same activities are defined under the term "Gaslighting". (read link)


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yes, there are terms that outline the standard DS behavior.
> 
> First your Wife is in The Fog (read link)
> 
> Most of what she is saying and doing is standard "fog" behavior. Prior to the affair coming to light those same activities are defined under the term "Gaslighting". (read link)


Thanks for the link on gas lighting. I read it and could see that this had been happening for quite a while before my wifes affair. 
We were BOTH doing it. Action and reaction. The affair is often the destructive end of a relationship that stops any further discussion. Any chance of reconciliation is stopped because they don't want to be there . I am a few weeks since Dday.
You need to allow the grief Let it flow. The longer you hold it in, the longer it will hurt. It hurts like hell. We were together 25 years. Use counselors, they have seen it all before!
It just hurts. The faster you process it. The faster the pain will abate. Saying that. I had to come home yesterday and as though it was Day one again..
Sorry for your loss.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

RWB said:


> PJ,
> 
> Take the high road. If you speak about her, "only in truth". Lies only will work in the short roads, however, TRUTH will out last all of us. Persons of "matter" will see through the lies and deceit. Truth has no hidden agenda and no time-lines. Remember, it's not about settling a score or who comes out on top. Truth is the "hound of Heaven".


.

But sometimes I feel as though I want to settle a score, to ensure the truth is what people know, rather than the rationionalizations that my wife spews.

It is is her word against mine, and her family will only take her word I'm sure. My father-in-law already unfairly blasted into me last month, something he has never done. I'm not sure if he knew everything at the time. It was the first argument I've ever had with the guy in 16 years knowing him.

I just don't want unfair tags against me. I want everybody to know how all has transpired. My wife "changed", into an immature 41 year old, and put our marriage on the backburner while developing, in secrecy, a new reationship. She now rationalizes that I "deserved" the behavior and that our marriage was "really over" years prior, (Although we always seemed to be a normal, loving couple with occassional arguments). How can any couple work to grow under those circumstances. 

I could have called her the C-word once a week in all 16 years and still not deserve the lying, cheating and unfair rationalizations. My kids don't deserve this either as they would prefer for their parents to stay together.

The pain so much now is not the lost of the relationship (Although that does hurt), but more the acknowledgement of the type of person I was in love with really "is"


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

pjbap said:


> .
> The pain so much now is not the lost of the relationship (Although that does hurt), but more the acknowledgement of the type of person I was in love with really "is"


If it makes you feel better, You haven't been duped for years and years. Let that go. The person you were in love with is gone, probably has been for a longtime. Likely _that person_ has been changing/transforming/evoling/devolving for a very longtime, you may recognize her face, and sparks of the person _you knew_ but let me assure you, you do not know this person. Aside from being a whole different person, this person you are married to is an "addict". That carries some of the most disgusting and profoundly disturbing character traits known to man...

Think this way... "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"... or "Possesed"... That thing walking around in your wifes skin is not the person you married.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, the pain doesn't go away. However, you find a way to cope so you can be your best for your children.

I relate to what you said about your wife spreading crap about you even as she cheats.

My wife did similarly.

Cheaters do not think what they are doing, destroying lives, is bad. It's what they need/want.

Protect yourself and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Thanks for all the support people.

I don't think my soon to be ex changed into a cheater. I think she has gone though a midlife crisis where (1) she doesn't see us as being as far as along as she may have hoped, (2) the "way of life w the other dude excites her more, and (3) the other dude made her feel really special at a time when we were having difficulties. With the combination of 1 and 3 she rationalized away the good of our marriage to support her behaviors and decisions. 

But it is unfair to break apart a family. I could have given this lady everything she sought if she would have worked with me to resolve our issues. Instead she breaks apart a family insted of doing what a decent human being would do, and that's work w her spouse for the sake of family. She says she tried and it's too late.

My wife states that "our marriage was over years ago, but she only realized just recently when "she worked on herself in therapy. How the hell do you come to that conclusion when you're developing an extramarital love relationship. This lady has the Gaul to say the OM has nothing to do w our demise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

pjbap said:


> . This lady has the Gaul to say the OM has nothing to do w our demise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife did that too. No responsibility for actions. Sure. I will take 50% of the blame for getting to the point where she felt emotionally abandoned. I will not accept that seeking it form someone else is okay. She is still in the fog. I am seeing glimmers of the old person but she is unable to accept what she has done. She is in full denial mode. 
You have to accept for your own sanity that she is gone. That person you married has gone. Look in her eyes. Tell me it is the same person!


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Oh forgot this tidbit. The other dude? IS MARRIED!! would you believe that crap? Yes the woman I married is long gone. She had better scruples, or at least I thought.

The dudes marriage I think was in difficulty, but his involvement w my wife I think threw them over the edge. Therefore my wifes behaviors is directly involved in destroying two marriages. Shell rationalize though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Your wife stepped out, she deserves to lose everything. Infidelity is the most personal of personal injuries inflicted upon another human being. The sooner the law (internationally) treats this with the seriousness that it deserves, the better. 

It affects:

Emotional health
Sexual Health
Family wellbeing
Financial wellbeing, future retirement stability, everything, home lifestyle, future aspirations etc.
Chilldren's future
Job security because of ill health in some cases

It deserves the book to be thrown at the DS that has created havoc because of their inability to stay faithful within a committed relationship. 

Why should the person that did not stray, suffer in everyway possible? 

Depending on the fallout and the length of the relationship, it can take several years, particularly if you loved the DS.

A rough guideline: About 1 month for every year of the relationship, possibly longer.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

pjbap said:


> Oh forgot this tidbit. The other dude? IS MARRIED!! would you believe that crap? Yes the woman I married is long gone. She had better scruples, or at least I thought.
> 
> The dudes marriage I think was in difficulty, but his involvement w my wife I think threw them over the edge. Therefore my wifes behaviors is directly involved in destroying two marriages. Shell rationalize though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So sorry you have to go through this! A DS's selfishness, disrespect, and total lack of regard for our feelings is amazingly difficult to process, you have every right to your feelings. 

As far as your wife maligning your character, such a low blow. I'm sure she's doing it to make herself feel justified and look better in people's eyes. However, I don't think she'll fool everyone. Once they find out she's with another man, another man who's married.... they'll know she's a DS full of BS.

Counseling should help guide you during this heartbreaking time. I find I always feel better after a session. Good luck!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Educate yourself, alot of this sounds like the fog I read quickly. If the OM is married make sure his wife knows. Follow marriage builders and Affaircare.com 7 steps on how to end an affair. It is confusing and hard and it takes a long time to comprehend. If you think you want to save your marriage then fight for it.
she was wrong to go outside the marriage all marriages have their problems not all people choose affairs as answers. 
Do what your true core values say is the right thing what you can look at yourself in the mirror and live with in 20 years.

Get a councillor confide in a good friend. Believe nothing she says. Anything negative she says disregard it because essentially some alien has possessed her body and unles you can break her trance "the fog" her old self will most likely remain lost.

Do what is best for you and your kids she will reap what she sows as will you.

Good luck you will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Revenge at times like this can only make it worse for you. Not worth it. Always take the high road and hold your head up high. But that man's wife deserves to know and you would not be spreading rumors or lies, just informing the ill informed! Then sit back and watch.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

I have not, yet, gone through a divorce etc, but I have gone through bereavement.
Whilst it would be unfair to compare the two..... there ARE, however similarities to losing a loved one and 'losing' a partner through divorce.

The grieving process is the same - denial, anger....depression, acceptance. There is one other stage that I can't remember. 
How long you are in each stage depends on you, but you WILL pass through all the stages.

You might not forget the person/partner/marriage but you WILL get over it.

Things can and will get better even though you might feel you are in a very dark place at the moment.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jezza said:


> The grieving process is the same - denial, anger....depression, acceptance. There is one other stage that I can't remember.


bargaining. usually fits in right after anger and right before depression. The stages don't always go in order, they jump around quite a bit depending on the person. But you will go through all 5 like you said.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I am angry. There is no doubt about that. I am also a little depressed.

I'm not so much down about the affair to be honest (although it does piss me off pretty bad), it's the breakup of our family, without really working on it. My wife says she has but I have not. I argue that if our marriage was to be salvaged, we'd have to work "together". She says we had ample opporunity butI was uncooperative. I say that's all a crock. The wife also says that the OM has nothing to do with our divorce....meanwhile, she's in a relationship with him....That's so freaking insulting (The rationalization that is) it's ridiculous.

My kids will learn everything in the future...not now. I need to shield them the best I can.

During our separation phase (period between papers and official divorce), my wife says she wants to move. But we can't afford two places. This with custody scheduling is going to be a dicy conversation.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm feeling the same way. Every time I see her, my mind flashes to all of the good times she shared with the former flame (on my vacation, no less). The only reason I stayed is because of my girls. I know that one should not stay because of the kids but they are so young and impressionable that I don't want to leave them behind while trying to rebuild my life elsewhere (she owns the house). I simply can't let go of the pain because she was the only person I ever slept with; to have her take that and run to some ex for a flashback makes my blood boil. I feel as if I'm trapped in a situation that is going to be very difficult to get out of...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

I would ruin her in more ways then you could count. Start by getting all evidence and copying it into books. Then sit down with a script to read, and start calling everybody you know. Explain to them the truth of what she did with a married man. You then should contact the other family of the male she is screwing, send them some proof of it. Next take all her sh*t and box it up put it in the garage. Next you need to make a video of your self, explaining what has happened to you and the proof that you have. Maybe tape her in secret talking about it. What this is for is, when you tell you children the truth, you can show them this tape made back when she was doing this to the family. I say it works much better the just taking about it one day. Make it sad and tell the whole truth on it. Do not tell her about it, you do not need to lose the tape. In a few years he or she, can look at the hurt in your eyes, and make a note in there head. That it was not you, that did this to the family. Then make sure her standard of living sucks, do not give her money for anything.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Wolf I do like that for myself at least as much as I want to fix my M that course of action would be super simple if you wouldn't have to see her every other weekend and holidays graduations etc. 
A quality angry thought though

Revenge yeah its an option, with kids involved they trump the revenge option. Kids love mom kids love dad they don't differentiate when mom and dad are fighting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

All I want is to be heard. Her rationalizations paint me out and our demise inaccurately. They are insulting. If they were true, then my spouse has been acting w me for years. This paints out tremendously emotionally unstable person. I want to "share" custody w this shell of a person?

BTW the wife of the dude has been calling me....

I will be heard, there is no question, but not in a vengeful way and not based on anger. I just want to ensure all is heard in this story, and that includes the lying and all the associated dirt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beentheredonthat (Feb 20, 2011)

I went through a similar situation 10 years ago wife was cheating, I was devastated she left. I learned later her cheating had nothing to do with our marriage failing, seemed like the obvious choice of blame at the time. The marriage was most likely doomed from day one even though we seemed perfect together. 

A couple of things to ease the pain, first be careful of what you say, some jurisdictions have defamation of character laws. If any parties involved decide to pursue and you have been a source of information or you have told people things that was opinion or feelings there could be legal ramifications at the very least you might find yourself taking time from your kids or work to answer to lawyers. Happened to a buddy of mine.

Number two MAN UP! Buy yourself a new toy, car, truck or something. Get new clothes, new hair cut, find a woman or multiple women who appreciate you and start living your life. There are thousands of women who would love to meet a father of two children recently separated. I learned women love to date divorced men. Previously married men know how to commit. If you were not the one to initiate separation or divorce even better. 

Dude it gets better, put this behind you, move on, find things other than your soon to be ex to fill your time.


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## mommee2 (Apr 1, 2011)

Seems this poster has the right idea: "MAN UP! Buy yourself a new toy, car, truck or something. Get new clothes, new hair cut, find a woman or multiple women who appreciate you and start living your life. There are thousands of women who would love to meet a father of two children recently separated. I learned women love to date divorced men. Previously married men know how to commit. If you were not the one to initiate separation or divorce even better.

Dude it gets better, put this behind you, move on, find things other than your soon to be ex to fill your time."

Being bitter and seeing revenge is not attractive and will only make you more angry. With children in the picture, your number one priority should be finding a way to minimize the impact on them. They will need their mother, and you and she will always be tied to each other by your kids. So, to serve your children best, do your darnedest to act like an adult and be civil to their mother in front of them. Otherwise, your kids will end up hating you too and you'll be left with nothing. I speak from experience. Making your spouse look like the bad guy to them always always always backfires. 

And I'd be careful about "secretly" taping anyone as another poster suggests - that can also backfire as it is illegal in many states.

Good luck moving forward and leaving the past behind you. Life is too short. focus on the positive.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

beentheredonthat said:


> Number two MAN UP! Buy yourself a new toy, car, truck or something. Get new clothes, new hair cut, find a woman or multiple women who appreciate you and start living your life. There are thousands of women who would love to meet a father of two children recently separated. I learned women love to date divorced men. Previously married men know how to commit. If you were not the one to initiate separation or divorce even better.
> 
> Dude it gets better, put this behind you, move on, find things other than your soon to be ex to fill your time.


Hell yeah!! Good to hear stuff like this.:smthumbup:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pjbap said:


> I don't want to be adversarial, mostly for the sake of my kids, but I have "dirt". I've got piles, and piles of it that paint my wife out to be emotionally immature, a liar and a cheat. But do I want to pull all that out to save my own reputation? Or should I just "let go".



Well, she justified it in her mind or she wouldn't have done it. Really, anything we do, we must first justify in our mind. "I'm broke. The bankers are rich. That justifies me robbing a bank."

I also have a thick stack of stuff. However, I don't plan to use it to justify myself to anyone. IF divorce gets ugly, I have it as a backup plan. It's mostly for my sanity so she can't give me the "You're blowing this out of proportion." spill.

Sure, some people might buy her story and think less of you. Who cares? If they buy her BS hook, line, and sinker without realizing there are 2 sides of the story, do you really give a flip about their opinion anyway?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pjbap said:


> This lady has the Gaul to say the OM has nothing to do w our demise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, mine did too. "It has nothing to do with him. Even if he wasn't in the picture, I wouldn't want to be with you." Well, that may be true. However, him being in the picture sure as hell effects me wanting to be with her.

Sorry for your pain. As I've said before, the worst part is that the most innocent people (the children) suffer the most in these situations.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

If I can just get the damn knot out of my stomach. The single most important person in my life for 16 years has hurt me more than anyone at any time in my life.

I was proud to be this woman'a husband. She was such a huge part of me. Things weren't always perfect but what marriage is? I've shown her plenty of love throughout our times. She's show appreciation for it and v v over and over again. Now she rationalizes that all that was false. She says she learned this in therapy. Tell me can therapy actually do the opposite and mess up a person. Therapy seemed to have pushed this woman towards unfair, cheating, and lying behaviors. 

What hurts my soul so much is that I don't think she has any remorse. She has convinced herself all her behaviors were right and legitimate based on how she saw the circumstance of our marriage. I don't think she has any clue on how god awful her behavior was/is. That is what hurts me more than anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I really think that therapy messed up my wife. What do you guys think of that.

Consider this: She started to go, I started to go, then we on occassion went together. 

My wife indicated that she "was working on herself", and when she does that she "becomes more whole as a person, and more in tune with self" and she can then bring that back into our marriage to help iron out some of our incompatibilities. She told me while she does this, for me to "give her space, and be patient".

OK, I gave her space as best I could when a lot of her behaviors and activities seemed off. When it is all said and done, she was asking me to give her space to go out, develop a strong extra-marital emotional affair (probably multiple ones of those) developing into a full fledged affair, then deciding we need to divorce (while being in love with another man....a married one to boot!).

Is therapy supposed to change somebody into a lying, adulterous cheat with no class or scruples? That's not the woman I married. 
My wife even says herself "it is she who has changed". She indicates she has changed "for the better" with a stronger sense of self esteem. I say that is BS. Unless of course the above characteristics are traits of someone with strong esteem. 

I say therapy did the reverse, because a person with strong self esteem would not do she has done, nor find the need for extra male attention (which she has exhibited for several months now). Again, can therapy mess up a person?


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## lrng2BpersonIseek (Apr 27, 2011)

PJBAP
I say therapy did the reverse, because a person with strong self esteem would not do she has done, nor find the need for extra male attention (which she has exhibited for several months now). Again, can therapy mess up a person?

I agree with another who posted the suggestion that you treat your children's mother with respect out of love for your children -- even if and when she does not afford you the same courtesy. You may not appreciate this suggestion now when you are hurting so deeply and want revenge, but over time you will be so much better with yourself if you are able not to stoop to the level she has now sunk to in whatever has come over her.

As to your question about the role of therapy in your wife's behavior
I can report that psychological healing, as I have observed and experienced it, occurs in a layered process of discovering, uncovering and releasing -- called different names in different types of therapies. Often deep-seated emotional injuries and traumas cause repetition of the original injury toward current figures in a person's life as a method of fending off intolerable feelings and thoughts. That in no way excuses bad behavior or infidelity; it is one explanation -- among many -- for the role therapy may have in your wife currently exhibiting different behavior than when you married. If your wife is desperately avoiding facing something that is being revealed to her thru therapy, it could easily propel her into dishonesty and destructiveness to attempt to deflect from facing this. My instinct from the little you revealed here suggests perhaps you would be wisest to work very closely with the therapist to attempt to weather this terrible emotional storm with the idea in mind of minimizing the damage and destruction. 

What has the therapist suggested to you as a course of action to protect yourself? And, to protect the children and the family? I would try to follow those suggestions to the best of my ability if I were you during this crisis.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I refuse to feel it. Might not be healthy but oh well. When it was all I thought about it didn't make me weepy... I would get pissed. Super pissed. Freaking scorched earth , watch it all burn and dance in the ashes. So instead I became numb.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

just be careful not to hold onto the numb too long, or you will implode, maybe let yourself deal with stuff a little at a time.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm still in the weepy stage. I cry quite frequently. I'm also angry as hell. I believe all of that is normal and part of the 'divorce syndrome'.

I am not out for revenge. That does me nor my kids any good. My goal is to do what is best for my kids, which includes very difficult decisions regarding the custody battle, decisions that my wife or others will look at as me being revengeful.

My wife is only for herself, always has been when I really look and has been pointed out to me by many folks now. When you look at her behaviors leading up to this divorce, I can't trust her to make honest and rational decisions.

I'll express my anger towards family and friends and do my best to cry in private. I need to find that avenue to quell my pain and disgust. Therapy should help, I can cry there too. One of my biggest frustrations is that I really think my wife has any clue how hurtful her behavior is. It is also so sad that the woman who was always emotionally there for me has now become my enemy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my opinion the best way you can express your pain and hurt that your W has caused is to distance your self from her find a mediator like a grand parent of other family member that can help you manage her and the kids relationships. This business can be done with good success if you can find a family member that can help. Maybe even a few of them can join in on the task.

I think when ever you have to deal with her do it through someone else. I think this makes a clear statement that you do not want to be friends, you do not want to see her or talk to her as long as she is with OM.

Make a statement with action that you are hurt and there for do not want to communicate with her. Find some one that will do that for you. You can only hope that the lack of contact from you will show some kind of act not words that you are hurt and only having a one on one with her will only bring more pain so now you have made a choice. A choice that tells her you have been hurt and you want to stay as far away from the person that has done that to you. It makes sense doesn't it?

You may find it less frustrating when you hear that she is the you asking why....why won't he contact me anymore.

As this is not revenge or spite, but self preservetion, a boundry if you will, a wall that prevents any more pain. there is nothing wrong with protecting your self....protecting your self from the lies and hate that she is aiming towards you. So put up this fence not to be vengeful on the enemy, but for secerity...the security you need to heal and move on.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

pjbap said:


> I really think that therapy messed up my wife. What do you guys think of that. Again, can therapy mess up a person?


No. As lrng2BpersonIseek so succinctly put it "no way excuses bad behavior or infidelity". 

To believe otherwise is to infantilize her and her choices.


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