# I should have listened to the advice given here!



## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

I am new to the forum but have been reading for a while. Wife had EA and I caught her six months ago. We have now been married for 20 months, together on and off for seven years. I almost left as trust is extremely important. 

She downplayed EA and blamed my actions for pushing her towards it. She told me that EA was really nothing and they barely had contact, and they were only friends. The OM was a guy she met online before we got engaged (we weren't together at the time), and they never met due to distance, but had gotten pretty serious in their conversations about a relationship, having a baby and moving in together. She told me she had strong feelings for him at that time.

I understood some of he points, so I agreed to try and reconcile. We went to crounseling for last three months and things seemed pointed in right direction. She let me see her phone and FB page and I saw no further contact.

I felt like I still needed more to earn my trust back, so I asked to look at her cell phone account. I needed to be sure that her version of events regarding the EA was the truth. She said it was no problem. What I found was over 300 texts per month for the seven months prior to DDAY (thats as far back as the records went), including pictures, several phone calls (she said they only talked once).

I explained to her on several occasions during this process that she needed to be open with me about everything, and I even showed her posts from here explaining EAs and how much they hurt. She insisted she was more then once.

She was just tickle truthing (I am learning the terms) me the whole time. I should have demanded verification before agreeing to reconcile. At this point, I can never trust her again, and I am going to confront her about this tonight and be forced to start over alone!

There is great advice on here, so thank you to everyone and I wished I would have listened sooner. Thank you for listening.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Try following our advice this time. Don't waste our time if you're not willing to take what we give you and take it to heart.

So has the AE gone physical? Is her affair partner local?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

C'mon Bandit, ease up on the OP. It is much easier to give advice than to take it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Frustrates me. I just want timeisup to be open and honest and listen, that's all.

Sorry if I came off harsh timeisup. I tend to rant.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

timeisup said:


> I am new to the forum but have been reading for a while. Wife had EA and I caught her six months ago. We have now been married for 20 months, together on and off for seven years. I almost left as trust is extremely important.
> 
> She downplayed EA and blamed my actions for pushing her towards it. She told me that EA was really nothing and they barely had contact, and they were only friends. The OM was a guy she met online before we got engaged (we weren't together at the time), and they never met due to distance, but had gotten pretty serious in their conversations about a relationship, having a baby and moving in together. She told me she had strong feelings for him at that time.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you are here again. Love is nothing without trust. If she is proving you can't trust her you may need to consider moving on. Only 14 months and she was already looking outside the relationship. That is not a good sign.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

OP, did you change profile names? this is your first post using this name... what advice could have been given directly to you if you havent posted before?


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## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

Wow bandit, thanks for the response!

The EA has been over as far as I can tell since end of August. I only found one day in October with 40 text messages. From what I can tell, it never became physical. 

The issue for me now is that I don't believe I can ever trust her. She had six months since DDay to come clean including three months of counseling. Everytime I look into things further, I find more. 

How do I know she doesn't have another phone or he doesn't? How can I be sure it never was physical? I work all day while she is home most of the time. The OM was about two hours away, not impossible distance for a day trip.


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## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

Sorry for not being more specific, as I am kind of upset right now. I never posted before, but I have been reading posts for a few months. 

The general advice I was referring too was that if someone cheats, they can't be trusted to just give all of the truth when caught. Everytime she told me something, I found out it was not the complete truth no matter how much I tried to get her to be honest.

A lot of posts here talk about checking phones, keyloggers, etc and I felt like it wasn't right of me to do that to my wife. I was wrong!!!

Hope this clarifies.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

if you are working, and she's home 1hour to meet half way ain't nothing. why isn't she working? but if you don't have any trust,what do you have?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If the OM is only two hours away, then you need to start telling yourself and absorbing the probability that the EA was consummated sexually. No way it went on as long as it did without your wife and him hooking up.

This is why she is clamming up. She doesn't want you digging any deeper.

If the OM is married you need to find and contact his wife and send her a zip file of the e-mail texts. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

You need to go into stealth mode and tell your wife nothing about what you are doing. Consider buying a GPS and putting it in her car to track her movements, as well as hiding a VAR under her dash or car seat to hear who she is calling and talking to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

timeisup said:


> Sorry for not being more specific, as I am kind of upset right now. I never posted before, but I have been reading posts for a few months.
> 
> The general advice I was referring too was that if someone cheats, they can't be trusted to just give all of the truth when caught. Everytime she told me something, I found out it was not the complete truth no matter how much I tried to get her to be honest.
> 
> ...


welcome to trickle truth

if you havent already read the newbie link in my signature


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## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

I agree about the trust. She is trying to pursue a career in the arts. She teaches a few evening classes, but otherwise, has total flexibility with her days. I have always been the one responsible for all of our financial obligations. I have a good job, so I don't mind, but to think she was texting OM all day while I was working hard is sickening.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She TT you for this long time, seven months with only test messages when OM is only 2 hrs away from her, can you buy that or swallow it. As Bandit said put GPS and VAR on her car, expose the affair to OMs wife or GF.
Tell your wife you wouldn't buy anything she told you so ask her for a polygraph.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

*had gotten pretty serious in their conversations about a relationship, having a baby and moving in together. She told me she had strong feelings for him at that time*

I highly doubt that she is even close to telling the truth. She is minimizing the whole thing. Expect that. What are you going to confront her with? No one gets that serious with one phone call. So of course there is going to be hundreds and hundreds of texts and such.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

for sure she's in big time damage control mode, I would bet serious money in Vegas that she is trickle truthing you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Most of the cheaters wont come clean in one go. Trickle truth should be expected.
Now since you are facing it, how do you deal with it is the question.
Now know that it is trickle truth. Your trust is gone, and she knows or will know shortly - your lack of trust.
If she genuinely wants to live with you, and you stay firm in knowing the truth, you will get more truths, but not full truth. That is the way cheaters are.
Trust takes long, very long to set in again.


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## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

I know looking back that I continually accepted what she told me as truth because I wasn't ready to face the total truth. When I agreed to counseling and trying to save our marriage in November, it was under the condition that she came completely clean on what happened. I held up to my part for the last four months working on our marriage, reading other parts of this forum, going to MC and opening up. 

As of right this moment, I feel that this was our last chance. If she really wanted to save our marriage she would have been honest at some point. Up until now, she hasn't come forward and told me anything until I discovered it and confronted her.

The only reason I didn't do it last night is because I spoke to a good friend who advised me to sleep on it and be sure how I wanted to deal with it.

No matter how much I love her, I can't see being in a marriage where I have to track her every move. I deserve more and it sucks that she doesn't think so.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

timeisup said:


> they never met due to distance, but had gotten pretty serious in their conversations about a relationship, having a baby and moving in together. She told me she had strong feelings for him at that time.


 There is no way that over all those months that "they never met due to distance" when the OM is only 2 hours away and they are talking about having a baby and moving in together. The fact that you would give it enough validity to even repeat this to us tells me that you are still grasping at straws. DeNial is not just a river in Egypt.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

i am proof that a online affair can get deeper.my hubby met his ow online..with in a year of chatting he went out of town with work and flew her in for 4 days,he never showed no remorse nor signs he cheated.this was in 2007.i just found all this out plus more last year..he was the dream husband i thought.wow can the quiet ones prove us ladies wrong.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to set a deadline and give her an ultimatum. Tell her you don't believe half of what she has told you, and that if she does not come 100% clean by such time on such day, you will seek out an attorney and begin divorce proceedings. 

Your wife is stonewalling, and you need to wind back the catapult, load the boulder and let her know you'll have no problem letting it fly and knocking her off the parapet. 

Stick to the deadline. E-mail her an Outlook invite with it on there. If she ignores it, file and have her served. 

Don't put up with her crap.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You may want to download her FaceBook archive. If she's used that to communicate, all of it will still be there.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You need to set a deadline and give her an ultimatum. Tell her you don't believe half of what she has told you, and that if she does not come 100% clean by such time on such day, you will seek out an attorney and begin divorce proceedings.
> 
> Your wife is stonewalling, and you need to wind back the catapult, load the boulder and let her know you'll have no problem letting it fly and knocking her off the parapet.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

There seems to have been no consequences for her actions whatsoever. You have only been married 20 months. If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Sorry but she continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What does she say? Is she saying she wants to stay married? If she does tell her what you found and the only way you will stay married to he is if she takes a polygraph test. Her reaction alone may tell you a lot.


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## timeisup (Mar 1, 2012)

I confronted her with the new information I found and explained why it was the last straw for me. She got very defensive and insisted they were just friends and it was never physical. I told her that at this point, what she says doesn't matter, because everything I know I found out on my own, and every time I dig deeper there is more. She never came clean about anything on her own. 

I also told her at the very least she had kept a friend that I asked her to stop talking to on a few occasions over the last year and she promised she had. She lied to me, went behind my back, and went to great lengths to hide the relationship from me. Regardless of what else I don't know yet, that was too much already.

She insisted she has been trying the last few months and has had no contact, and she even said she would have a polygraph. She felt the past didn't matter, and there was no need to go into more details about her lies once we reconciled.

We are going to talk again tonight, but at this point, after 20 months of marriage, if this is what I have to look forward to, I feel like just giving up and moving on. 

Thanks again for all of the feedback.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Print her out her own copies of whatever proof you have. Right now she's thinking up alibis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Of course they don't want to go into details! They always say, "the past is the past"---blahblahblah

*No matter how much I love her, I can't see being in a marriage where I have to track her every move. I deserve more and it sucks that she doesn't think so. *

Yeah, they get to skip along merrily while you just have this SINKING feeling. I am having that also. I believe its called not having any trust. And your're right, it sucks. Big time.

That being said, I know I will never get the whole truth from my H. Only you can know if you can move on and keep up the vigil. She is not going to give up any more to you. 

And you can try to force the poly, I couldn't. Just by going to a poly appointment you are saying you have absolutely no trust in your spouse. Bleh.

I hope you take care of yourself and stand up for what you think is right. If you give it another chance, be vigilant. Trust but verify. Even then, they can be "transparent" and just get a new email that they don't tell you about. Only you can know if another chance is what you want to give. 

And it will be a gift. I sure hope your SO appreciates it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK - recap.

Was in an (at least Emotional) affair when you met. Confessed to strong feelings for OM during this time.

Married 20 months. She married you while still in the EA with the OM and kept it going after marriage.

Caught her texting with OM 6 months ago. Obviously still has unresolved feelings for OM.

So she has been in an on-going affair for at least 70% of your marriage.

She has refused to tell the whole truth despite your demands as a part of reconciliation. (She is hiding something - probably went to met with OM on occasion). But you already know this - or at least suspect it.

You say that honesty and trust is important to you? You should cut your loses and divorce. You will never trust her again (with good reason), you cannot believe her (lie after lie after lie proves this). I could not live like that - can you?

Why do you want to stay in this relationship?


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

She's in the arts and you deal with the financials. Maybe it is time to say to her to get a job, or a place of her own until you can think through where you are going with all this because your marriage sucks and you are done with her trickle truth.

She's had it easy....so far. 

She needs to know you mean business and that her actions have consequences. 

Once she is out fending on her own, you might experience a different attitude from her.


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