# Splitting, really?



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In this case, splitting has two meanings.
One, splitting in the case of leaving. Meaning, I'm outta here. Seen enough, heard enough, felt enough. Not interested in dating further, See Ya. Meaning, FB-unfriend, delete from contacts, delete messages, delete from email contacts, etc. Outta sight, outta mind. I see no reason in keeping a guy around as a friend if I dated him seriously enough to back out vs. just being busy and not going on any more dates. Usually this occurs just after they've achieved dating exclusively stage and show their true colors (swearing under breath, getting angry at grocery store checkout aisle behavior, texting from bed in the a.m....to their former lover...oh, but there's a reason, involves work so it's okay...lol...) I figure the right thing to do is a clean break, no waffling, and move on. No entanglements, no second chances needed (if growing attraction has suddenly been short-circuited by misbehavior, it's not like it can be rejuvenated...) 

Splitting. As in the case of the borderline meaning, I suppose. The guy who I've known maybe all of two months will accuse me of splitting, because invariably he will say I went from hot to cold. I think this impression is given because I keep my opinions to myself, other than obvious issues that would be a weed-out, such as smoking, drinking and driving, texting while driving, excessive farting, and other little things like chewing with mouth open, etc. I typically don't call a guy out in the beginning stages of dating because I don't want him to censor his behavior. I'm not there to babysit, I'm there to be congenial and pleasant and relax and be in a variety of situations so that I can observe how the man will act when his guard is down. i.e. to see how he really is. I guess when I don't say anything but just file it away for my own information (which I think is legit in the first few months of knowing someone) it's taken for being 100% head over heels...

IF there were just a couple issues that bugged me, and just a couple, and they weren't deal-breakers in terms of value and interpersonal style, I would certainly sit down and talk it out at the end of a couple months, before committing. But I don't think that things need to be mediated if there are more than a few deal-breakers in terms of behavior...even if it can be changed, I'm not into changing someone. Either I can come to terms with their behavior or not. 

I get the impression that the guy is thinking because I don't say anything, I don't have any objections, vs. just keeping quiet because I want to see is there anything else...and when there is, saying, thanks, but no thanks.

I try to keep it to one thing...such as way too much texting and interferes with communication flow between us. But invariably they argue about that, having reasons for whatever the singled-out behavior is, and try to say but there is this benefit or that benefit. And then I have to be honest and say, well, there was this, and this, and this and this, and I have simply had enough, your lifestyle as it stands and mine and our habits are not compatible, have a nice life, and I cut ties.

But both guys this happened with accused me of splitting on them. 

Maybe I should just refuse to give feedback when men want it? 

If I change my dating behavior, the cycle of finding out what a guy is really like will take longer, and I don't like wasting my time on a relationship. I'm okay having more intimate dates, it seems to lead to better information more quickly. I think men confuse sex with total affirmation vs. just one of many deal breakers that could occur.

This most recent guy got upset because I told him I didn't keep former sex partners on FB. He was mad because I unfriended him. I explained that I didn't want to have to hide anything from a future, permanent committed relationship, should one (miraculously, lol) occur, and he was upset because he said I was ashamed of him. And said, is that what you think of me, a former sex partner, and I said, from the point of view of a future committed long term partner, yes!

Anyone else been accused of being mentally ill when they cut ties with a guy?

Oh, this guy was actually in a psych hospital, he said he'd self-committed for 4 days after going off Wellbutrin (he lost track of his meds because of moving? And breaking up with someone? Or something like that...having issues with custody of his daughter...well, I can see why...) and he didn't remember that he hadn't told me the story of that..."Oh, I thought I had told you?" So of course I listened to the story nodding my head and understanding to get all the info...but later when I brought it up as a concern (my aversion to day-long texting wasn't enough) he got very, very angry. So I was splitting at that point. Sigh. The point here was not getting himself to help, it was that he was under the impression that he had already shared this 'baring the soul' (as he described it) information with me, when he hadn't! (So among other things, not able to keep track of what he'd shared with me, that he considered important...meaning he had shared it with a lot of other dates in the recent past...not cool...and also having a piss-poor memory, something I can't deal with.) Not to mention it made me feel like just next in line to hear the story...so much for baring the soul, he might as well put it on a billboard. If he had told me, I would have ended the relationship. I don't have much hope of ever really connecting with anyone who would have been suicidal, under any circumstances, because that is just not me. I divorced my husband after he turned to suicidal threats when threats of divorce didn't work for him, manipulatively....he knew my father had committed suicide when I was 17. Anyhow, I know he hadn't told me because if he had I would not have been on the date when he told me for real (not in his memory.)

Is it in vogue to keep people around as friends after you date them for say, 6 weeks, sleep with them, and then decide when they show their true colors after that, that you're not interested in them and you move on? I'm not going to stop sleeping with guys I'm interested in because that kind of affirmation seems to be the only thing that consistently brings out their true colors.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I had a number of ex's including the ex-wife as FB friends while I was dating. I had very little, or zero interaction with them. We friended while dating, and I just didn't pay much attention after we weren't. Quite honestly, it didn't cross my radar.

I'm in an exclusive, loving relationship. My familiarity with my ex-wife in interacting and co-parenting our kids was a red flag for my partner; she bowed out ... briefly. That was a few months ago. We talked through it.

What I came to recognize when we were apart is that my boundaries were a bit too porous ... 

I sent a respectful, brief note to each, who were all in exclusive relationships, wishing them the best, but that I was unfriending them. They all responded and thanked me for the gesture.

So yeah, I do completely understand where you are coming from. And I'm a big advocate of 'you want what you want'. You don't have to explain it to anyone. And personally, I think your strategy for letting someone put who they really are, out there is brilliant. 

Stick to your guns.

I'm just having a hard time seeing these guys that you get involved with as 'integrated males' HNU. They seem more like fixer-uppers. Don't mean that in any accusatory way. If anything, I think it's great that you possess the awareness you do. Sincerely hope that awareness translates into pairing you up with a great partner.

I dated one woman who I came to discover without question, had serious issues ... I felt compassion for her, but that was it, I was out. 

I had another woman with whom I maintained a friendship after we stopped dating. We actually took our kids away together over 2 summers. Nothing romantic whatsoever.

So ... yes, I do think that some people can maintain healthy relationships despite the end of the intimate portion, but I don't think it's common. And honestly, even in my case, I don't think it's a great idea. Especially as you point out, that you ultimately want an exclusive, long term, relationship. You don't want to have to explain the rogue's gallery of ex-partners that are still part of your social media circle.

I'm glad I took the step I did. It was respectful on both sides.

The fact that these dudes you dated, whine and point the finger at you, is not something I think you should give a fig about.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks Deejo,

Good to know the want-what-you-want and clean-break are things I don't have to consider compromising on.

As to striking out 3 times in the past 9 months...
I think I'm very liberal in terms of thought and also being open-minded about what can work in a relationship, with regard to time spent together and venue/activity, parenting status or not, work schedule, to some respects diet (I'm vegan but willing to be flexible, to a point...but a guy that wants steak and bacon on a regular basis is not for me...) 

I work hard to be open-minded and not jump to conclusions about logistics, preconceptions, etc. If a guy says he is thinking of living in a yurt on a friend's (former lover and current work client...) land, for instance, I just ask, is that a done deal? (Not that it appears that he has the $ for the yurt...lol.)

However, while I'm very liberal in terms of thought, and I also have what might be considered a very liberal type of lifestyle (college student in writing/literature, contract work, flexible schedule, try to live "eco/green") I am extremely conservative when it comes to day to day life. That is, I focus on what keeps my household/life running and if it means that on a given day I don't get to go out cycling or to the beach just because it's a great day for doing that, on account of there are household chores, errands, paperwork, research work to be done, the fact is I am going to do what feeds into tomorrow, and maybe take a short bike ride or time to Skype with a friend or kick back.

I think when dating, you do have to be open-minded and flexible, but with good communication you can rest assured that the things that keep your life ticking won't be compromised, because the other person understands where you're coming from, and what your priorities are, and how your time needs to be arranged on any given day so you can continue with your life, earning income, self-care, care of kids, etc.

I allow about one-two hours a day in my life for "relationship" and then on weekends or when I'm not working, about one full day and evening out of every week on average for dating. I think this is reasonable. If someone wants more of that time, even after I explain that I'm in the middle of a project (and let them know when I do have time, and ask about theirs in return, to schedule a time when we can connect...) then I see that as a red flag that in a committed, theoretical relationship, they're not going to respect my boundaries. 

Maybe in terms of the 'fixer-upper' these guys aren't really fully committed to their life and making it successful, or given the fact that they don't have a committed relationship, have let their habits slide, figuring when life 'gets real' they will too. But it seems to me like they could be investing more in their life rather than waiting for 'some day' i.e. when they have a woman. I'm of the opinion that when you are dating, you should have something you've worked on or some basic homemaking skills (different than housekeeping) to bring to the table. It's not enough to say you enjoy laundry, I want to see it. Love cooking? Don't let me come to your apartment and you suggest going out to breakfast (and order a meat-lover's skillet and then want to kiss me...) If you want to eat healthier, don't stop at saying that "I eat way healthier than you and it's something you should work on..." order a veggie lover's skillet. 

I think guys confuse the time I am 100% free to date, with being 100% free the rest of the time, without realizing what it takes to make that time. If I'm spending time with someone, it's my free time, and time that will continue to be free to have an ongoing relationship...if and when I'm in a long-term committed relationship, I do want that hour or two every day AND the average of 1 full day and one weekend night (with occasional full weekends) that are available just for the relationship, and not chock-full with me 'hanging out' with a guy while he texts about work or whatever. Or wants to do his thing and have me tag along (nope, I have stuff I do on my own, and the stuff guy does on his own or with friends, is just that!) Couple time is couple time. I think a lot of guys seem to want a companion dog, just one that's a woman so they can have sex with it too.

I didn't think I was splitting, because I have very close friends and yes they are flawed and I love them anyhow. And am able to spend long periods of time with them (i.e. weeklong co-camping with all of our kids) and also get along with my neighbors for the most part, who are very different than me...and my kids, even though I'm aware of their sometimes irritating habits and issues, I don't split them either. And their dad, who really pushes the limits, I backed out of that relationship when I saw that the couple time etc. just was never going to happen. 

Yes, I want a partnership...not 24-7 but some respect and boundaries in place for the time not spent together, and the time spent together really couple time, spent investing in a life together. 

It's what I told this last guy, when he asked why I was just calling it quits...and would not listen to his reasons/stories/excuses about why he behaved the way he behaved...

I said, life is constructed and shaped by our actions that are based on the manifestation of our values. Life cannot be shaped by good intentions, and would/could haves and reasons. That's a shadow life, and people who believe in it end up with a schizoid experience - a huge gap between what's actually happening in reality, and what they are telling themselves they believe is happening (which is only a story.)

Or something to that effect.

When I say I want the REAL thing, I mean, I want the REAL thing. I want substance. This starts with things like a daily shower, meals (this last guy just 'forgot about lunch', fortunately I'd brought picnic fixings and thought to put together a lunch before we headed out for the day...) adequate sleep planning (not using a 'nap' during the day to catch up, 'nap' which will turn into sex session not a real nap) financial planning, making sure we arrive in time for activities, etc. I'm not o-c but whatever dream life you're living, there are some BASICS that need to be addressed, and a good relationship accounts for those basics in any given day. 

I think a lot of people think that their dream life is excused from the basics. This is probably my one big red flag that I call a go-to. If someone is constantly rushing or forgoing the basics, I know they're not the one for me. 

I think I may have picked up this trait as a youngster when I was often undernourished and also did not really have enough clothes (at one point, one outfit) and my friends' parents who were immigrants and had lived through WWII and other forms of poverty, made sure to always feed me and to tailor my friends' hand me downs for me. If we went somewhere, there was a picnic...things like asking me if I would like to shower, and giving me time before breakfast, etc. It sort of set a standard that I expect in terms of hospitality from other humans. As well as asking about meal preferences, and always having meals available, or planned for. And they were so respectful of me, would I like this, or did I prefer that? Etc. Of course they were busy people, but when they had a guest, they had time for the guest. You felt important and validated and cared for, i.e. they were giving you the same respect they gave themselves...and even though we all know we're not the most important person in the world, you definitely don't feel objectified...you feel like yourself, which is exactly how you should feel in a dating relationship...respected and validated and seen as an individual, not as a generic 'date' who can get with the program, or not. Or someone who has to ask for food or to take a shower, or even to be left alone to poop! I told this one guy I was okay peeing with someone else in the bathroom, but not pooping...so yup, I excused myself to use the facilities, letting him know what I planned to do, and had been in there not two minutes and he knocks on the door, opens it and says he has to take a shower, do I mind? UMMMMMMM, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do mind. 

Maybe I should date someone who is very conservative and has incredibly high standards. My problem is that I'm not even consistent with my own life... if I'm working hard on a project, for instance, I might let housekeeping slide a bit. I'm leery of setting myself up to let someone down... in return though for my own sliding scale of standards, I'm also willing to understand someone else's priority-juggling. Not just when they never get around to stuff at all, and have no plan for when to catch up.


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