# unable to trust



## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

Hello everyone.
Guess I just need others opinions. Sorry this is so long but I want the whole story out. About five years ago I was going thru a bad divorce. Was married for about 20 years when my now ex husband started to cheat. Fast forward a year to me being on my own with my two girls I started to talk to my current husband. Was completely honest with him about my past and how bad I was hurt.

I expressed over and over again how important trust and honesty were to me. Everything seemed great I was finally able to trust someone again or so I thought. We were married in June 2012. A few months after we were married I had grabbed his laptop to look at some pictures of a business trip he had taken right before he asked me to marry him. Much to my surprise was a picture of who I thought was his ex girlfriend. I asked him about the picture only for him to lie to me about it. He tried to claim it wasn't her only to find out later it was. He was seeing her the whole time we were dating even after he pushed for us to be in a exclusive relationship. He stated he didn't know who he wanted to be with up until that trip but then decided he wanted to be with me and proposed a few months later. Really hurt that he made the choice to lie to me knowing how important trust was and given the fact he never had a reason to do so. I never pushed for a exclusive relationship he did. 

Fast forward a few more months down the road another ex is contacting him. And again instead of being honest he made the choice to lie to me. I do know he was telling her to leave him alone but again dishonest with me about all of it. 

Then more lies about him contacting someone on craigs list out of what he said with nothing more then curiosity on his part. 

Now we are at the point where I need reinsurance from him to be able to trust again and he feels I'm wrong for that. He feels that the past needs to stay in the past and I should be able to truest him now because it's the past. 
Makes me for like I'm in the wrong for the way I feel......am I?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

But that past was while you two were together. It's your history as a couple.

Personally I think he has given you reason not to trust and I would probably break it off. If you don't want to go that route yet, I would, as a second alternative, demand transparency in all things. All passwords, all contact with other women. 

He knew your background when you started dating and was rather heartless about the lies he told. I don't think he's worth keeping.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

frenchtoast said:


> Makes me for like I'm in the wrong for the way I feel......am I?


No, you are not wrong. Trust has to be earned. It appears that your H keeps breaking the trust by lying. What exactly has he done to earn your trust back? It's not enough that he stop contacting ex-girlfriends, but what is he doing to show that he is now trustworthy? Was he or is he remorseful for what he did?

Oh, and I can also understand why you are hurt that he seems to want to rug sweep the whole thing and expects you to just "get over it". You need to communicate to him that it isn't that easy. Time will heal your wounds, so long as he doesn't betray you or lie to you again. That's up to him to measure up to that.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Hes dishonest. How can you trust him when he keeps breaking the trust by lying to you..... On more than one occasion.

And no your not in the wrong the way your feeling. He knows whats happened to you in the past, and he knows your feelings on the matter.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's three strikes. He is OUT.

How many more chances are you going to give him to prove he's dishonest?

And WTF was he doing on craiglist exactly??

You don't need reassurance from him, you need a divorce. If he hasn't slept with someone else already, he will.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

frenchtoast, I'm a guy.

What you describe, except for the Craigslist thing which sounds quite suspicious, is unfortunately a common attitude. People seem to believe that the white lie or the protective lie is ok. People don't seem to _get it_ when told how important radical honesty is. It is as if you told them you prefer honesty, rather than what you really said was you need honesty.

People will project. Which means we think a certain way, so we assume other people have the exact same thought patterns. Thus if a person thinks small protective lies are ok, they presume you also think small protective lies are ok. They really do not understand the words coming out of your mouth when you said you need total honesty.

His dishonesty is a problem. And his current attitude of "Just Get Over It" is also a problem. He still doesn't understand your position.

You have to set a boundary. There has to be a line in the sand, and there has to be a significant consequence if he crosses it.

You might like the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", by M. Smith. There is much more to the book than good verbal skills. The first part has some interesting philosophy which applies to you, plus the verbal skills are perfect for dealing with someone like your H.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Heard you but didnt listen. Its a common issue when one partner is trying hard to vocalise the hurt and suffering they experienced in a relationship. Many who have not been hurt in the manner you have just cannot begin to grasp the impact that the events had on them and how those events leave wounds which are open for a long, long time. You'll have been told Im sure at some point by some one that you need to "get over it", "put it behind you" and all the other expessions. In this case youve made it clear to someone who was on the radar to be the next partner in your life that certain things like cheating and lying are out of bounds. 

He may have had uncertainties about marrying you before the trip, most people do get these , its normal, Its the "am I doing the right thing" thought. But knowing that youve been hurt as much as you expresss and then going covert is NOT the right right road especially when youve made it clear in the discussion when you found out that its out of order. You naturally feel betrayed (again) and the wounds are now opening. There is only one of 2 ways forward. He's got to go because your tryst level is now back at ground zero or he makes every effort toi be fully open about who hes with, been with, going to be with etc. That way there is a chance the trust will build and be earned. The biggest barrrier here is the building of trust as once that been damaged its a hell of a job getting it back.


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

I would like to thank everyone for the replies. Guess it's time I move forward with how I feel about myself and how others treat me. 

Always wanted the happy ever after and to be able to trust someone 100% and maybe that's the problem. 

Not feeling down on myself just being completely honest. 

Once again thank you for your help and support.


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