# Nurturing=Codependent?



## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

I take great pleasure in looking after my husband. For example, he is sick today so I cancelled a party we were to attend. I'm also going to make soup for my husband and take the poor man's temperature periodically since he is running a fever.

His love language is Acts of Service, so I show love by keeping his clothes clean and making great meals. It makes my husband be feel cherished, so why not? I should add that he loves doing things to make me smile as well; he bought me a bouquet of roses as a surprise yesterday and my husband tells me he loves me at least once a day. He is also very affectionate which adds to my happiness.

I wonder if I am codependent because I love nurturing my husband. A former friend of mine used to make snide remarks when I looked at recipes; telling me that I was setting women back. She was a raging feminist so maybe that had a lot to do with her anger when she saw me doing things for my hubby.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

Pay special attention to the ACTUAL definition of codependency.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I'd have a couple of words to say to any 'feminist' who believes someone should do what THEY say rather than what feels right to that person.

'I believe in women making their own choices, as long as they choose the same as me' ?? Sounds like the republican party more than any feminist to me lol.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Hey if it's mutual, it's interdependence, and it sounds very loving to me!
I find that sometimes 'friends' are jealous of a close marriage, and their comments can show this.
Since you both were invited to the party I assume you stayed home because he was too sick to go, which was thoughtful.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

If your marriage is happy and you feel your husband respects you does it really matter if it's 'codependency' or not, some people have a nurturing nature there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean they are being manipulated or controlled by someone else's actions (which is pretty much what codependency is).


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

What's so horrible about being codependent?:scratchhead:


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

When I read the definition of codependence, I see that my husband and I do depend on each other to some degree for happiness. We would rather not contribute to making each other angry and we try to respect each other's opinions.

She's not my friend anymore, FrenchFry. I just remember her ranting about my "servile and anti-woman" marriage. She also asked repeatedly why I took my husband's name. I think it is more than possible to be a feminist without anger at males as a group.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

haha I didn't take me husbands name either, but what the heck has you changing yours got to do with her.
Maybe it's the fact that you are living a life she as fought against having,yet your happy.
Some people can't deal with the fact what they want out of life isn't what others wanted, especially if they're not happy themselves.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think it's codependence when it's one way and that you're consistently violating your own person for the sake of someone else. If you enjoy doing things for your husband, he reciprocates, and you still have a healthy sense of self and aren't compromising on your personal values or boundaries, then I think it's just a sign of a healthy relationship.

You'll know it's codependence when you find yourself making excuses or feeling guilty about it.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages
> 
> Pay special attention to the ACTUAL definition of codependency.


Bingo, great definition! Which is exactly my arguement to those who are too quick to define & label one as co-dependant v the normal supportive care & nurturing of each other within a marriage.

Just because my husband has a personality flaw does NOT mean I am co-dependant because he didn't reciprocate in certain area's, he had to be shown how, like a child who was neglected & never taught the right path, but he has learnt too over many years. I refused to violate my own values, which in the past caused much unrest, consistancy & determination has paid off remaining true to myself.


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## Darlene Lancer JD MFT (Mar 4, 2012)

You got great replies from the others here. I'm a codependency expert and can tell you that caregiving isn't necessarily codependent. Neither is staying home from the party or being a homemaker. You're fortunate to have a happy marriage, something that is hard for codependents to achieve. Their "caretaking" is more taking than giving. They don't have a choice and their giving is laced with control. As said, they self-sacrifice and end up resentful. Actions alone don't define codependency. You must look deeper into the motivations and feelings. A codependent might feel guilty both for going to the party and feel guilty staying home. Her actions would be defined by others' opinions. Her husband might manipulate her into taking care of him. If you want more information, check out _Codependency for Dummies,_ my recent book.
Hope he soon heals.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you do things YOU enjoy that make you feel good about who you are, don't fret about it. It's when you do things out of fear of being needed or to get an edge over someone else real or imagined and give up on YOUR core values in accommodating someone else's needs, on a regular basis, and neglect your own needs, that you are codependent. Most people can FEEL the difference, they know when they're being codependent because it comes with a tinge of anger...but they choose to ignore the feeling because they are afraid of acting otherwise. It sounds like you are a loving person, and that the feeling is mutual, so don't worry about it. Maybe your friends are projecting.

Any person who takes the time to cook homemade for someone else is a national treasure. This includes me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your husband would surely not want your friend for his wife ! The fact you enjoy , and are moved by love & care to stay home for your husband and feel this well spring of nurturing come over you --this just speaks genuine







- a fine example of how a good wife reacts during such times. 

Can google many articles to compare the two -here is one >>



> The Interdependent Life: Interdependence vs Codependence
> 
> *Interdependence is the opposite of codependence*. With codependence, there is an energy loss for at least one of the participants. In interdependence, there is energy gain (or at least neutrality) for all persons involved. Where codependence is about looking to someone else or some thing as a source of validation, acceptance, or safety; an interdependent person looks within themselves first but welcomes external sources (of the same) as a healthy complement to life. And, while our codependent parts view relationships as investments: if I do this, I will get that; our interdependent parts invest in relationships. In interdependence we know that relationships are alive and require nurturance, boundaries and, above all, a healthy dose of self respect.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing about your relationship is co-dependent in a bad way.

Marriage means you DO depend on each other. I mean, why else get married if you can't depend on your spouse?

You're good


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your friend was just upset that she had no one to cook for or that she didn't have what you guys have.

I cook every night for my family. I serve my husband. Why? Because it's how he knows I love him, just like he does things that show me he loves me. I love it.  And I don't give a crap what other people say about it. They aren't in mah bed


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

MrsKy said:


> *I take great pleasure in looking after my husband*. For example, he is sick today so I cancelled a party we were to attend. I'm also going to make soup for my husband and take the poor man's temperature periodically since he is running a fever.
> 
> His love language is Acts of Service, so I show love by keeping his clothes clean and making great meals. It makes my husband be feel cherished, so why not?* I should add that he loves doing things to make me smile as well; he bought me a bouquet of roses as a surprise yesterday and my husband tells me he loves me at least once a day. *He is also very affectionate which adds to my happiness.
> 
> I wonder if I am codependent because I love nurturing my husband. A former friend of mine used to make snide remarks when I looked at recipes; telling me that I was setting women back. She was a raging feminist so maybe that had a lot to do with her anger when she saw me doing things for my hubby.


Your marriage sounds awesome. If anybody can warp this and make it sound negative then I pray to have a marriage this sh!tty


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> It doesn't sound like it to me but I would need more information. Does his needs matter more than yours? I think that is the key. Staying home from a party with a sick husband seems caring not codependent.


Exactly - when I read this I thought about myself. When I was younger w/ my first marriage I did it to feel needed and wanted because of his behavior. Now that I'm dating a guy who I think is Mr. Right, I'd LOVE to do those things for him. But not because I'm seeing approval and acceptance or that my needs are less important. Only because he works so hard and never catches a break and I just want to make his life nicer because he deserves it.


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