# A question for men..



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

..Just out of curiosity..is it hard for a man to stay faithful to a women? Some people say yes, some say no..answer however you want.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is as hard as it is nowadays for a woman to stay faithful to a man.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Fair enough answer. Thank you.


----------



## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Sometimes, I think it could be very difficult for a man to stay faithful to his woman, simply because some women don't seem to really appreciate their men in the way they should.

I also think it goes both ways - it could also be very diffiuclt for a woman to remain faithful to her man, for the same reasons.

I think when you really get down to the nitty-gritty of it, that it depends more on the character and values of the person themselves rather than the sex of that person as to whether they actually ever act on the urge to be unfaithful.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is no longer a reason, if there really ever was any, to presume that there is a gender superiority regarding faithfulness or risk of cheating.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Mmm.. . .I think men's "caddyness" is a bit overplayed in our culture.

I heard a great essay on men once, comparing them to domesticated cats. 

They look out the window, like they want to get out and prowl, but they know it's warm and comfortable in here. . .but if only they could get out.

You let them out and they want right back in or they just want to rattle some trashcans.

Pretty harmless stuff.

The Movie "Hall Pass" did a good job of illustrating typical middle class male behavior. Ironically, the male husband/hero just wanted to connect sexually with his wife.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No - not hard for a man to stay faithful.

Under the right/wrong circumstances, either gender is just as likely to cheat.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I don't remember the exact wording, but Mark Twain once said that men who have character have a poor poker face. You hear them slip up and use words like loyalty, faithfulness or "because it is the right thing to do." We're simple. If we have character, you'll hear us give ourself away when we make decisions that involve character, like giving the clerk the money back when she gave us too much change, or helping you wash your car when there is a football game on. When you date a guy, if these things don't slip out, its a sign that they aren't there in the first place.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's not that hard to stay faithful. Staying sane is the challenge.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Mmm.. . .I think men's "caddyness" is a bit overplayed in our culture.
> 
> I heard a great essay on men once, comparing them to domesticated cats.
> 
> ...


Don't agree about Hall Pass. It tells a story about how women hope that we are IMO. The typical "sitcom husband" as MEM would call it. The story is so silly. Two men given freedom turn down two ladies throwing themselves at them while one wife gets used by the local college baseball player with no consequences.

As far as the original question, It will depend on your man. Some men are more prone to cheat than others. I'm a natural cheater. It comes easy to me. I can do it without any guilt what so ever. I know this. That said, I have not cheated on my wife of 12 years. Because I understand my faults I do things to prevent that evil little man on my left shoulder from coming out. I don't form relationships with woman at work, PTA, kid's activities, etc. I don't go to clubs and such which were my hunting grounds, I know which male friends to keep and which ones to let go. I just generally keep myself out of situations that are bad for me and my marriage. I wouldn't say it's difficult. Just something I have to be aware of.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some folks can't stay sober, some can't stay honest, some can't stay employed. Faithfulness depends on the person's character.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Don't agree about Hall Pass. It tells a story about how women hope that we are IMO. The typical "sitcom husband" as MEM would call it. The story is so silly. Two men given freedom turn down two ladies throwing themselves at them while one wife gets used by the local college baseball player with no consequences.
> 
> As far as the original question, It will depend on your man. Some men are more prone to cheat than others. I'm a natural cheater. It comes easy to me. I can do it without any guilt what so ever. I know this. That said, I have not cheated on my wife of 12 years. Because I understand my faults I do things to prevent that evil little man on my left shoulder from coming out. I don't form relationships with woman at work, PTA, kid's activities, etc. I don't go to clubs and such which were my hunting grounds, I know which male friends to keep and which ones to let go. I just generally keep myself out of situations that are bad for me and my marriage. I wouldn't say it's difficult. Just something I have to be aware of.


:smthumbup:

Good for you Kobo - for being a man of honesty, integrity, and character! You have a very lucky wife! 

"_Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught_." ~J.C. Watts


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> ..Just out of curiosity..is it hard for a man to stay faithful to a women? Some people say yes, some say no..answer however you want.


 Depends on the man, depends on the woman. I have several friends who step out on their wives, and several who would never think about it. One of the noticeable differences between the two is that I never hear the former group bragging about how their wives rocked their worlds so often, whereas the latter group can't stop complaining about their married sex lives. There are other factors,too, of course, and some dudes will cheat just to see if they can get away with it. But mostly men are too lazy to invest in another woman if they're getting what they need at home.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Good for you Kobo - for being a man of honesty, integrity, and character! You have a very lucky wife!
> 
> "_Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught_." ~J.C. Watts


Na, I'm the lucky one. She treats me very well. Got a poem from her this morning. It's all about knowing yourself and your own weaknesses. We've had our issues in the past but it has been a very good 12 years.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> ..Just out of curiosity..is it hard for a man to stay faithful to a women? Some people say yes, some say no..answer however you want.


No harder than it is for a woman to stay faithful to a man.


----------



## Pavel Shotski (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't think it's hard to stay faithful at all, but there doesn't seem to be a shortage of posts in the infidelity forum about just that sort of thing.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Harder to be faithful than it's faithful to be hard.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I grew up seeing all the men in my family enjoy affairs. The women just put up with it.

Because of this, sometimes I think that all men cheat, but I know that is irrational nonsense. The men in my family cannot represent all the men in the world.

Still working on trusting my husband though. As far as I know, he has not cheated on me yet. 

Time will tell.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

One way to maximize the chance that he will is to keep checking up on him when he's totally honest and committed to you.





FirstYearDown said:


> I grew up seeing all the men in my family enjoy affairs. The women just put up with it.
> 
> Because of this, sometimes I think that all men cheat, but I know that is irrational nonsense. The men in my family cannot represent all the men in the world.
> 
> ...


----------



## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I won't cheat on my wife...I've told her that and made that promise...but I will end the relationship if the situation gets too bad and their doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy to say that I have had opportunities, been flattered and walked away from the situation...and trust that she has done the same...if you worry about them cheating on you, you may end up pushing them away...

Later.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Conrad, when did I write that I check up on my husband? 

We maintain a respect for each other's privacy. I do not read his mail or listen to his phone conversations.

I don't even check the computer history, to see what sites he has been on.

Hubs has never given me a reason to be suspicious, so I know that the mistrust is my problem.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

depends on the person........do they have good morals

or are they selfish with poor morals


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Wow, thanks everyone for all of your insight and responses! If I made it seem like I was partial to one side..sorry. Total ignorance on my part..Im starting to understand its a PERSONS character..and not their SEX that determines if they'll cheat or not. Might seem like an obvious thing to most of you..but when youve been wronged..I guess to some degree your thinking and mind set gets foggy as well...and I was turning into a borderline man-hater..haha. Probably has a lot to do with my age and needing to experience a little more of the world..who knows.

THANKS AGAIN!


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> Wow, thanks everyone for all of your insight and responses! If I made it seem like I was partial to one side..sorry. Total ignorance on my part..Im starting to understand its a PERSONS character..and not their SEX that determines if they'll cheat or not. Might seem like an obvious thing to most of you..but when youve been wronged..I guess to some degree your thinking and mind set gets foggy as well...and I was turning into a borderline man-hater..haha. Probably has a lot to do with my age and needing to experience a little more of the world..who knows.
> 
> THANKS AGAIN!


Nikki,

If you google character, you'll see plenty of people who say that there is a crisis of character in modern society. I'm not sure about that, but I do know that those who have it tend to give it away through day to day conversations. They speak often of doing things just because it is the right thing to do.

I've posted in the past about my grandmother, who was native american. Learned so much from her. Her husband, however, was an old fashioned southern guy who taught me so much about character. He spoke often about living by a code of honor. I still think such people exist. Just realize that from a man's perspective, if sometimes seems that the same discouraging trend exists with women. Especially women in long term relationships. My grandmother once told me that women have the same character issues, but they are just buried with such indiscretions - in other words, they keep them secret.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> Nikki,
> 
> If you google character, you'll see plenty of people who say that there is a crisis of character in modern society. I'm not sure about that, but I do know that those who have it tend to give it away through day to day conversations. They speak often of doing things just because it is the right thing to do.
> 
> I've posted in the past about my grandmother, who was native american. Learned so much from her. Her husband, however, was an old fashioned southern guy who taught me so much about character. He spoke often about living by a code of honor. I still think such people exist. Just realize that from a man's perspective, if sometimes seems that the same discouraging trend exists with women. Especially women in long term relationships. My grandmother once told me that women have the same character issues, but they are just buried with such indiscretions - in other words, they keep them secret.


My secret? A code of honor. I live by it, I'll die by it. There you have it.....the cat's outta the bag. Tsk, tsk Halien.


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm one of those simpleton men who would much prefer to be with just one woman.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I'm one of those simpleton men who would much prefer to be with just one woman.


Mostly - having multiple girlfriends - or a wife and a GF - sounds like too much work!!!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I never even looked at another woman, never considered anyone else, never wanted anyone else and never had a problem with this. Then one day my wife told me "I don't love you any more".

I'll skip the long story but we have moved past this, are back together and we are trying to work things out. But now when I find myself in the presence of certain other women, my pulse stops. I can't think about anything else but them. I have all consuming, totally graphic, totally real feeling hallucinations of having sexual contact with them.

So I guess I trying to say that it was a lot easier last year


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> Mostly - having multiple girlfriends - or a wife and a GF - sounds like too much work!!!


i laugh at polygamy


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Mostly - having multiple girlfriends - or a wife and a GF - sounds like too much work!!!


:lol::lol: I like this. My husband says I wear him out in bed too much, for him to be able to cheat. 

He won't even have a cell phone, which makes it more difficult if not impossible.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Humans are animals. Animals adapt when faced with an uncomfortable obstacle to their existence.

If a woman or man is not being fulfilled in their relationship in a way that they perceive to be fundamental to their happiness, they will adapt in attempts to satisfy this need - whether real or perceived.

To me that means that both men and women have the potential to cheat if they believe they are missing something.

I've told my wife this many times. And she cares...just not enough to resolve our issues.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

I totally understand the whole fulfillment thing. But what happens when you fulfill the persons needs? 

IE: I cooked every single day, packed him left overs for his lunch..Did the laundry, cleaned the house..dishes..took care of the kids..and still woke him up with bjs in the middle of the night, and early morning for some hanky panky time. 

Soo if any of you got that..would you still be out on the prowl..or is there just somehting wrong with his "character". I dont get it.


----------



## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> Soo if any of you got that..would you still be out on the prowl..or is there just somehting wrong with his "character". I dont get it.


I think people are always on the prowl at some level, some are just less likely to pounce. You can call that character or will or morals if you want but I don't think it can be distilled into one defining factor like that. How sexually and/or emotionally satisfied you are by your partner probably plays the most important role but even the satisfied can become drawn into cheating and even the dissatisfied can remain faithful through temptation. 
I personally don't find it difficult to not cheat under most circumstances, but get me drunk in a roomful of hot naked girls who want a piece of me and it can become very hard. I believe I won't cross the line but there are some things that can make it blurry. I've learned to recognize the blur and squint until the danger of tripping has been evaded. I have no interest in discovering how hard I can fall.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One woman is more than enough.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

So my logic is men who are confident and mature enough to know what they want..are no younger than late 30s. But who knows, I could be wrong.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Nikki, some men are past that age and they are still very immature.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Nikki, some men are past that age and they are still very immature.


Haha..well then maybe its just hopeful thinking.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

FirstYearDown said:


> Nikki, some men are past that age and they are still very immature.


surely you dont mean that ALL women that age are mature, i would have to take great exception to that


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I made my promise and intend to keep it.
I'm "in", or if I'm out, I'm not coming back.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nikki1023 said:


> So my logic is men who are confident and mature enough to know what they want..are no younger than late 30s. But who knows, I could be wrong.


Yeah - throw logic out the window!!!

When you wrote about all the things you do - not sure if that was real or theoretical (sorry) - but it reminded me a bit of myself. I "thought" I was meeting all of my wife's needs (niceguy syndrome) - but I think any time there is an imbalance in the relationship, it can be a potential problem.

First - I think I was so busy - I don't think took the time to stop and ask my wife if I was doing the right things. I just assumed I was.

Second - If you are doing all of those things - you won't stray. You won't have TIME to stray - but THEY might. For one thing - while you're at home cleaning, they still have time to go out with the boys. AND - while they are still going out - meeting people - pursuing interests - you become somewhat "stale." You lose your mystery. They know - before they come home - exactly what you did that day.

Just a few thoughts off the top of my head. Probably leaving some things out - but an imbalance is always dangerous.

What happens if you pull back?


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Yeah - throw logic out the window!!!
> 
> When you wrote about all the things you do - not sure if that was real or theoretical (sorry) - but it reminded me a bit of myself. I "thought" I was meeting all of my wife's needs (niceguy syndrome) - but I think any time there is an imbalance in the relationship, it can be a potential problem.
> 
> ...



Def makes sense! Dont get me wrong..I like to eat good, thats why I cook. I like a clean house and my clothes to smell good..thats why I do those chores. I wasnt necessarily doing them for him..he just enjoyed the benefits. 

If he had to go out and get attention from women in bars and at work, then I must have not been meeting some need of his. Or maybe he's just the type of person who wants it all, who knows. 

Pull back how? I like a clean house, good food...and well.. even though I dont want to ever touch him again, I still need sex..and I dont want to find it elsewhere since were still married.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Nice777guy 

Sorry, never answered you on real or theoretical. Yes, I do all that stuff..but its because I want to..I never throw it in his face. Id rather him play with the kids after work than help with chores that I can do during the day when theyre sleeping or while hes playing with them. 

We had a system going..he was the bread winner..I was the house wife...actually worked out pretty amazing system wise.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nikki1023 said:


> Def makes sense! Dont get me wrong..I like to eat good, thats why I cook. I like a clean house and my clothes to smell good..thats why I do those chores. I wasnt necessarily doing them for him..he just enjoyed the benefits.
> 
> If he had to go out and get attention from women in bars and at work, then I must have not been meeting some need of his. Or maybe he's just the type of person who wants it all, who knows.
> 
> Pull back how? I like a clean house, good food...and well.. even though I dont want to ever touch him again, I still need sex..and I dont want to find it elsewhere since were still married.


Do you do much outside of the home? Do you have many friends outside of the marriage? If you are the one who usually initiates sex, stop for a while.

The really bad thing about this scenario is that - if the marriage ends - its going to hurt you much more than it will him. If he's not that "invested" in it - he's not as likely to fight to save it as the person who devotes all their time to it.

In hindsight, I was more worried about my marriage than my wife. My routine - my lifestyle. Even though it wasn't great - it was what I did - almost like losing a job.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Not right now. I was going to school for my masters, but stopped that about a year and a half ago. He initiates sex ( when he's home) more than I do. 

At this point he wants to make it work more than I do. Hes asking for me to wait till he comes home and give him a second chance. Im not grovelling at his feet, so I hope you didnt misinterpret it that way.

But Thats where Im not understanding it. He seemed beyond invested in me. Two of my friends told me they wished their husband..the other her boyfriend..looked at them the way mine looked at me. When he's with me, he's all about me. So I do feel like he knows he has alot to lose, but maybe didnt think it would ever get down to that?

Make sense to you? Cause it confuses the &%$# out of me.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nikki1023 said:


> Not right now. I was going to school for my masters, but stopped that about a year and a half ago. He initiates sex ( when he's home) more than I do.
> 
> At this point he wants to make it work more than I do. Hes asking for me to wait till he comes home and give him a second chance. Im not grovelling at his feet, so I hope you didnt misinterpret it that way.
> 
> ...


I thought it seemed more familiar based on your post above - where you described everything you do!

Now it sounds a bit different - yes. I'll go back and look at more of your story when I have a chance.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

ok ..im so lost and confused..on a ridiculous roller coaster- and just trying to find any insight and reasoning I can at this point. 


Thanks.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nikki1023 said:


> ok ..im so lost and confused..on a ridiculous roller coaster- and just trying to find any insight and reasoning I can at this point.
> 
> 
> Thanks.


Welcome to our club!


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Welcome to our club!


Def a club I never thought Id be joining. Especially at 25 with 2 small kids. Im glad it all came out before I got pregnant again though, because that would just be ridiculous


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> surely you dont mean that ALL women that age are mature, i would have to take great exception to that


:scratchhead: Not sure where your assumption is coming from. That is definately not what I was trying to say.


----------



## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> ..Just out of curiosity..is it hard for a man to stay faithful to a women? Some people say yes, some say no..answer however you want.


There is a lot to it. Some men lost their mother at an early age, never got over it, and just want a hug from a woman, some men hated their mother and want to go on some sort of conquest. Freud wasn't entirely clueless. On the surface it always looks to everybody like men are merely driven by sex, and sometimes that's true, but not always. I was talking to my brother about it once and it seems to me that he wanted the attention more than the sex.

Mrs. Parrothead says that I listen to women (it's one of the things she liked about me) and allowing them to use my shoulder to cry on has gotten me into trouble more than once. (One time it was almost with my girlfriend's mother!)

I, on the other hand, was raised by a woman and was taught that women are pillars of virtue (that was one of the many things my mom was full of it about) so I got blindsided by my girlfriend's mother coming on to me, or the girl I knew from church wanting to go to the drive-in movie. 

To sum up, I guess I would have to say that it still takes two, and it's very much an individual thing.


----------



## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

A man who truly loves his partner and truly believes she will be faithful to him, the mother of hes children and hes soul mate, will forever be faithful and loyal to her, no matter what is thrown at him, unless she has given him reasons to think otherwise.

I my self am one of those men.


BUT, and there IS a BUT! If that man has thought in such a way about a woman, and she gives him reasons to believe otherwise, he will then behave like a pig, sorry, but fact.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Its all in the mind set of the individual involved.

Biologically men are programmed to spread their seed and women are programmed to look for the best candidate to give them the healthy child as well as look for clues as if he is a good provider. All of those biologically tendencies are still in our DNA if you will.

Enter the human intellect and emotions; in a perfect world intellect and emotions would trump those tendencies. Alas we do not live in a perfect world and the pig in us can come out if our will and purpose is not strong.

For me it was never a problem to stay faithful as I wish to wake up in the morning without an appliance such as a hatchet in my forehead.

All jokes aside cheating was never an option I entertained. Had a few nurses and what not that all but ripped my clothes off but I shut them down pretty quick. 

I just wasn't raised that way. Loyalty is a virtue I hold in the highest of regard.


----------



## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> I just wasn't raised that way. Loyalty is a virtue I hold in the highest of regard.


:iagree:

I feel the same way. Realizing my then 23 yr old man didnt know wtf he wanted in life..but now my 28 yr old man does. Soo Aggravating.


----------

