# Need female opinions please!



## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

First let me start by giving a little introduction. *Warning- Long, maybe a bit pathetic as well*

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now, we were dating for 2 before that. I met her while I was stationed in the military through a friend. While we were dating we had the greatest relationship I could ask for. We didnt fight much, an amazing sex life, could talk to eachother (or not, we were both comfortable watching TV in silence relaxing in the evening). I really considerd her not only my girlfriend, but my best friend. 

So after a year and a half I had decided to finally propose to her after working up the courage for 2 months. She said yes and everything continued to be great. However, 2 months later, a week before our wedding ceremony (So soon due to my deployment), she spent the whole week binge drinking at her girlfriends house, spending more time with other men, and completely shutting me out. I only know all of this because I tried calling her for hours one night after she had gone to a concert and she didnt pick up, so I drove by the house to check on her and she was passed out unconcious in bed. The end result was that she decided to call off the wedding, I asked her many times what it was or why but she couldnt provide me with a concrete reason. I decided it was nervousness, cold feet, or somthing similar, but again she couldnt provide a reason.

Now following that series of incedents she wanted to talk with me and told me she would like to give things another try, to stay engaged for a bit longer and wait for a wedding but she wanted to be with me.

So I was very happy to hear that because she is after all the love of my life, so I agreed and things got better bit by bit. No sooner than a week later, she told me she was going to spend the weekend at her girlfriends lakehouse (The same girl whose house she had stayed at before she called off the marriage). I already dont like her friend because shes, excuse my language, a skank. Despite me not liking the situation and having many reasons to hell her I dont want her to go, I said I wouldnt mind and to have fun. That saturday I get a call at night from her, she sounds pretty drunk, and shes telling me about how they are about to go skinny dipping and getting really drunk. I ask if there are any men there with them, and she says no. Right after she says no I hear a man in the background, shes laughs and says gotta go, and hangs up. I was never a very trusting person, and it took a lot of work to be ok with her going out without me or to a party or bar without me, It may sound childish but I was much easier about it after working very hard to just keep busy while she was out.

She returns from the lake and after questioning her about the mans voice in the background she said it was her friends father and they were at the house. I didnt have enough evidence to believe otherwise so I bought it. TWO DAYS LATER, out of nowhere, she comes home crying her eyes out, telling me she doesnt want to be with me anymore and I dont make her happy. After being depressed about calling off the wedding this was a real shocker and I was pretty sure I should just take a break and we should just split up. We decided that a break was in order to give each other space and room to think ( I didnt really want a break, she is still the love of my life and I wanted to fight for her). A week into our break, she asks me to talk so I come over and see what she has to say. She tells me shes pregnant, and a million questions and scenarios start running through my mind. Without me asking she immediatly states that it is mine, that she hasnt been with anyone else. Skipping all the unimportant events, we get married.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago . My son was born a couple weeks ago, and we were both so amazingly happy and enthralled with him. After we came home from the hospital, she became VERY emotional, some of our friends described her behavior has somewhat bipolar. I figured it was PTSD, and that with time she would be able to work through it and talk to me when she was ready. Well things QUICKLY turned in the opposite direction. I was told that my job wasnt good enough, I wasnt good enough, I didnt make her happy anymore, she didnt love me anymore, and that she wasnt sure if she wanted to be with me anymore.

Immediatly Im getting red flags to her past behavior in similar situations. After trying vigorously to find out what was wrong with me or what I could do to fix it, she couldnt give me a reason, or way to fix it. Another red flag. She then decides that a divorce is what she wants, and I have to sit back and just take a breath and think it over. I tell her if she wants a divorce that she has to go get the papers. She put it off and put it off and I kept asking her if this is really what she wants and she still said yes. So I havent seen my parents or brother in 2 years, I decide to try and go home. I confronted my wife about it and since she still wanted that divoce she said she didnt care. She was on maternity leave and her parents lived in town so I decided to take a week and go see my family. The morning Im supposed to fly out, she texts me that she didnt want me to go. My dad had already spent 900$ on tickets for me so I told her Im going and that I will gladly pay for you to come along. She declined and so I went back home for a week. Upon returning home 2 days early, she and I have a few talks and after talking we decide that we should stay together and work things out.

Fast forward to Now. We are currently in the process of "working things out", however to me it seems a lot like Im doing the trying, and shes just putting up with it. She hasnt worn her wedding ring in 2 months. She hasnt touched hugged kissed or been intimate with me in even longer. One of the things that REALLY bugs me is that whenever were at home, she is always on her phone. I have also noticed that she is becoming increasingly protective of her phone, taking it with her everywhere. Her dad was calling, and she forgot her phone while she was showering, so I tried to answer it, but she has a lock on the phone. The last time she was protective about her phone and the ONLY time she has ever had a lock on her phone is when she called off the wedding or when she wanted a break. Well one day I guess she forgot to turn her phone lock on and when she was in the shower she recieved *10* phone calls from a "Jake". Jake happens to be her brothers single friend that is visting for a couple days. I open her phone and she had also received texts from him as well, and as ashamed as I am, I open them. It turns out shes talking with another man about how she doesnt think it will work out between us and that how hes such a great guy for understanding. I didnt bring it up to her right away, I just decided to sit and wait to see what kind of behavioral changes I notice. The next day she tells me shes going to her parents house to visit her brother. Her dad calls me and asks me to come over that same day and bring our son with me. I go over and hang out with her dad for a while, and Jake is there. I ask where my wifes brother is and her dad says he's still and work, his last day tomorrow. My wife gets out of work and comes over, and It doesnt take a genius to see the disgust in her face when she sees me.

So today I confronted her about her phone. I asked her if there was somthing wrong, if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She said no no everything is fine. I ask her who she spend all day texting and she says her girlfriends or her uncle. (She hadnt texted them in days when I looked at her phone). I knew she was lieing but I just didnt have it in me to call her out on it. Somthing is wrong and I cant figure it out, please women give me your perspective! 

I still love this woman, she is the love of my life, but I cannot live in a one sided marriage my whole life.


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

Sorrry I was so relieved to actually type up all of my frustations that I forgot to actualy put a question. (This is the first time Ive ever actually got everything that is goin on out of my system to anyone).

What do I do? What could be going on insider her head? Is she just really mad at me? Basically any female opinion on what the hell is going on inside my wifes head. or any ideas as a female what you would want/expect from your husband? (Even though she says she doesnt love me like she used to anymore).


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Whew... my heads pounding so couldn't really read it too well. Have you two tried MC? (Marriage counseling) How about IC? (Individual counseling)


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

I asked her if she would do mc, she refused. I haven't looked into individual counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

There are a few things you could look at and read.. One suggestion i can make is... take a look at the No more mr nice guy thread on here.. I believe it's in the mens lounge. You could take the five languages of love quiz and get the book. Think you could also try .. I believe it's called.. eh.. i dunno what it's called but it has something to do with turning down the thermostat or something in your marriage.... Another would be.... umm... his needs/ her needs... but you should really take a look in the mens lounge on here. I think you could benefit from the information there... as it seems you are a... "Nice guy.."


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You could take a look and see if anything there may resemble your situation..


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

She sounds very immature and confused. The emotional ups and downs after having a baby are normal as your hormones are doing some very strange things post birth. Though is sounds to me like she may have PND. How old is your child now? Who does the majority of the parenting? How is your wife coping with being a parent? It can take a lot out of you if you are not ready for it. Have you approached Jake? He may just be an ear for her and nothing more.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

There is a lot of red flags there. She needs counseling for herself. You could benefit from it too. Once she does and gets her head on straight then you both can figure it out. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. She may not love you and may not want to work it out once she gets herself figured out.


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

Our child is 2 months old
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

The parenting is pretty equal. I haven't approached Jake yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Sounds like you should get a paternity test on your child ASAP. I agree with the other poster who said she is very immature and very likely wasn't ready for marriage. Also based on your post I feel she didn't seem to be as into you as you are into her. And she may never be. Would you be okay with it if that were the case?

Oh and if she truly loves you she will consider counseling to better her marriage.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Ok so you are still in the newborn stage. She is freaking out and the fact that the baby was unplanned would double the freak out. 

I would just back off, if she really wanted a divorce she would have got the paperwork sorted but I assume she doesnt know what she wants right now. All you can do is be the bigger person and support her in this amazing yet daunting new journey that is parenting. Dont be a door mat, but I dont think now is a good time to be pressing for answers. Give it a few months. I would also talk to her about Jake, maybe he is just a trusted friend who she feel she can lean on because your not understanding her at the moment.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

She should at least put an effort into communicating her feelings with her H instead of this friend. Newborns can be hard sure... but if married.. both partners should.. imo.. work together and communicate or at least try to communicate the best they can with one another. Especially during hard times such as this. This jake guy.. could be an affair waiting to happen.. which is NOT good at all.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Best you could probably do is Mc.. if she doesn't want to go to MC then at least IC for yourself OP.


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## Veryfaithfulwife (Jul 23, 2011)

Gaia said:


> She should at least put an effort into communicating her feelings with her H instead of this friend. Newborns can be hard sure... but if married.. both partners should.. imo.. work together and communicate or at least try to communicate the best they can with one another. Especially during hard times such as this. This jake guy.. could be an affair waiting to happen.. which is NOT good at all.



I agree 100%, but it doesn't sound like she is willing to confide in her new 'shotgun' husband right now so IMO the best thing he can do is take the pressure off for the short term until she gets the hang of being a parent. Pushing her is only going to make her run further away. 

OP I would keep an eye on her and do some research in to PND and look out for any warning signs. Other than that enjoy your little tiny baby and best of luck.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Veryfaithfulwife said:


> I agree 100%, but it doesn't sound like she is willing to confide in her new 'shotgun' husband right now


That there brings me back to my suggestion on OP reading the No more mr nice guy thread in the mens lounge. I believe they have some useful information on backing off (The thermostat thing I mentioned earlier) in these sort of situations. I believe OP could really benefit from reading some of the information there as well.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, first things first, get a paternity test done on your kid. Because I wouldn't be overly surprised if it isn't yours.

I doubt your wife will come back until either:

You didn't mention this, but if you are more financially secure than Jake, she will come running back to you, begging and pleading for reconciliation after she divorces and realizes Jake can't provide for her or her child like you can. 
Or the chemical high she gets from being around him fades. This may only take a month, or a year. It may end while you two are still together, or it may end 2 years after you two divorce. But she'll probably realize it. 
Or, she divorces you, goes out with Jake, then Karma slaps in her the face by having Jake cheat. And she'll run away from him, to you. 

Then again, I can't be sure. Just speculating. 
But get the paternity test done. 
And if it is not your kid, you MUST ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY STOP acting like a father to the kid. Courts have demanded men that are not the biological father to pay child support because they took the role of being a father after they found out they weren't. If you stop acting like dad if you find out it isn't yours, you don't need to worry about that.


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

Ive been trying to confront her about our problems and trying to start a civil dialouge, but everytime I bring it up its blatently clear she doesnt want to. I know I need to give her time and let her come to me, but I guess my dilemma is the fact that Im spending my time loving someone who doesnt love me back , It sounds ugly but I feel like Im wasting my time. I understand shes emotional and hormonal and all that, however, isnt she still my wife? I honestly dont feel like I have a wife, I feel like I have a roommate. I would much rather have my wife who is mad at me than a roommate who puts up with me. Ive never really been depressed before but I imagine its somthing similar to what Im going through. My self esteem is 0, I take almost no pleasure in doing any activities, Im sleeping on the couch with our son in the crib in the hopes that getting more sleep will help her calm down. Im worn out though, Im emotionaly and physichaly exhausted. We talked tonight about jake and she assured me that it was just her venting. Im not sure if I believe her since she lied to me about texting him in the first place. Other than that tonight was pretty textbook as far as our nights lately, we have so light conversation about work and she pretends like shes interested and as soon as the conversation breaks or sometimes right in the middle of it, shell be checking or texting on her phone.

What worries me is actually talking to her. I dont constantly try to talk to her but I do try and bring up certain subjects every now and then after we exchange the few nice words between each other. However like I said, she becomes VERY defensive talking about our relationship. Its almost like talking to a child, she doesnt look me in the eyes, she gives me the shortest answer possible like shes praying the conversation will end, and when I press her to say whats on her mind or ask if she wants to say anything its always no.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

*Sighs* Click This!!! >>>>>>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I second the paternity test. There is usually a time limit to get yourself taken off the birth certificate. How will you feel if the child is not yours, she divorces you, and takes off with kid, all the while leaving you financially responsible for the next 18 years? The timing with her possibly fooling around, getting pregnant, and then agreeing to marry you is fishy.


You can get over the counter DNA kits and have your answer within a couple of weeks. Then, you proceed from a position of knowledge. If the child is not yours, it will tell you everything you need to know about your wife's character and her commitment to you.


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## tirednconfused (Jun 20, 2012)

Ive begun reading No more Mr. Nice Guy, absolutely amazing how tit for tat some of these descriptions are relating to me! I also think Im going to go ahead and do the paternity test, I want to believe my wife, but I want to assure myself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

tirednconfused said:


> Ive begun reading No more Mr. Nice Guy, absolutely amazing how tit for tat some of these descriptions are relating to me! I also think Im going to go ahead and do the paternity test, I want to believe my wife, but I want to assure myself.


^^^:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

I wish I didn't see so many red flags reading your thread. Her past behaviors and her secretive acts. All of these things indicate to me she is having someone else supply her emotion needs at the least. So you are likely looking at the beginnings of an EA. Her past seems to indicate a strong possibility of cheating in a physical way hence all the suggestions for a paternity test. I would also get a few voice activated recorders and place them in places she is likely to be talking freely on the phone or to others. Her car for instance and maybe the bathroom or bedroom. If you have access to her phone records I would be checking her records looking for calls and texts to the same number. That is me, your reaction and level of trust are not as damaged as mine are I know, but take some incentive and have a look. See what you find and see what the information tells you re: how much you should trust her. Just a suggestion. OK?

Yes, of course it could be post baby depression. And a big yes to I could be reading way too much into this. Take my words with a big grain of salt then and use what you can let the rest go. 

That said I cannot imagine your pain and frustration. Babies are amazing little things and we fall so hard for them so fast too. The very thought that your baby may not be your baby has to be heart wrenching. I am so damn sorry you find yourself in this mess. 

BTW kudos to you for reading the book “No MOre Mr. Nice Guy” While there is nothing wrong in being a “nice guy” it isn’t a synonym for door mat. I wish the very best for you.


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