# Article: Why adulterers secretly yearn to be caught



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Why adulterers secretly yearn to be caught: Behind the worrying rise in infidelity there's a surprising but poignant truth says relationship expert | Mail Online


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Whatever. 

It's still the worst option and doesn't justify the betrayal.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I must have missed the scenario where the WS is a serial cheater.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I must have missed the scenario where the WS is a serial cheater.


Exactly!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LOVED (  ) the comments by some of those @$$hats there... ugh! I wanted to go off on them, but thought better of it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I actually bought into a lot of ideas like the ones in that article after discovering my husband's EA. But then, I found out (not from him) that his "brief" EA had actually been going on for 3+ years. Then I found out that he'd also had a ONS while on one of his hobby trips. Then I found out that his ONS was the result of him actively searching for women to hook up with for sex on his hobby trips. Then I found out that he'd also had a several-months long sexting relationship with a woman from his office. Then I discovered (not from him) that he had a number of close female friends that he talked to, flirted with, shared private details of our marriage with. Then I discovered that he's apparently had "little incidents" with several other women during the course of our marriage. 

Here's the thing. My husband didn't cheat because something was missing at home. He didn't cheat as a cry for attention. He didn't even cheat to hurt me - he had other ways of doing that. The truth is that he cheated because he wanted to. And he didn't think what he did when he wasn't with me was any of my business.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

_*"‘The aggrieved women are often biting and critical, which can then drive the man into the arms of a more understanding woman. When it’s the woman who’s had an affair, there is often passivity in the man, which seems to anger and propel the wife."*_

So if the man strays, it's because the woman became angry and bitter *after being "aggrieved" by the man*. And when a woman strays, the man was too weak and *forced* her into another man's arms.

Complete crap.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I can tell you my xw didnt want to be caught...yet. She was busy putting away money with the POSOM waiting for the time to be right. He was more than happy sharing her with me as long as I was paying all her bills. (which still blows my mind, because I was having (bad, but sex) sex with her 3 times a week). My discovery only made it less affordable.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This article was so crappy, and full of excuses either they were having sex with their AP when they wrote it, or they are just completely clueless.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I am one of those who, I believed, got what I called "the butt call from God" and listened to him talk to her for thirteen minutes. It wasn't until months later when he stopped TT and told me everything that he realized their relationship wasn't going anywhere so he got very drunk and called my number so OW could witness me finding out. It was still three months before TOTAL NC. He would stay NC for a few weeks then she would play suicidal and call again. When I got the cell bill for August I called him and told him if he wanted to keep answering his phone or needed her in his life in any capacity, then i didn't want or need him in mine. That's when they had their final battle and he stopped using ANY phone and refused to leave the house alone.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

The article was, well .... meh.

It did raise an interesting point in my mind in the context of reading the threads on this site though:



> "For those who want to rebuild a contented and committed relationship, there’s nothing more powerful than a sincere apology — and sincere forgiveness.
> True forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or that you condone appalling behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’ve stopped feeling hurt or aren’t fearful about the future."


I have not read one post on this site that talks about the BS actually forgiving the WS. Maybe I have missed it.

Any takers? - Do we need a new thread?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

PastOM said:


> The article was, well .... meh.
> 
> It did raise an interesting point in my mind in the context of reading the threads on this site though:
> 
> ...


Like the part you quoted, forgiveness doesn't mean total trust. 

It's difficult to answer that, because I DID forgive my WW's indiscretion in that I am working sincerely with her at R. However, for me, "forgive" will likely NEVER mean "forgive and forget".


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

PastOM said:


> The article was, well .... meh.
> 
> It did raise an interesting point in my mind in the context of reading the threads on this site though:
> 
> ...


I've seen forgiveness discussed a few times here. It is in the BS best interest to forgive the WS and is encouraged her. Being able to forget is the part we're all dealing with.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

PastOM said:


> The article was, well .... meh.
> 
> It did raise an interesting point in my mind in the context of reading the threads on this site though:
> 
> ...


Forgiveness plays a big part in reconciliation. In order to truly reconcile, there must be forgiveness. But, just because one forgives, it doesn't mean the offense is forgotten. I have forgiven my husband for his EA. It doesn't mean that I don't remember what happened, nor that I don't have triggers...ever. It means that I have chosen to continue in my life with him and recognize that if I hold a grudge against him, it will only hinder our reconciliation. And the same goes for me. He has forgiven me for my EAs as well. It doesn't mean that he has completely forgotten everything. It just means that repairing our broken marriage is much more important than holding onto bitterness and resentment...
Each person/couple moves at his or her own pace. 

But, yes, there are many posts on here about forgiveness. Guess you just haven't found them yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> ...says Brett Kahr. ‘But having done this work for a long time, I can say hand on heart that it is usually 50-50. When you start to unravel the story of the affair, we find that each one has had a contribution to make in hurting the other.


Ah. The ol' 50/50 you are both guilty line! Wonderful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So many excuses. Dang.

Own it. You had an affair because you chose to.

Boredom, sadness, etc is no excuse. Communicate with your partner...if they don't listen or respond, then take action WITH THAT PARTNER before consoling yourself in the arms of someone else.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ovid said:


> This article was so crappy, and full of excuses either they were having sex with their AP when they wrote it, or they are just completely clueless.


I read articles all the time about betrayals (mostly why they can be a positive thing in a marriage) and they are all garbage.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Every human relationship has intrinsic problems at one point or another: Relationship with SPOUSES, parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, bosses, public, government. People cheat because they have a narrow-minded view that there is something out there that is "perfect". BSs are blamed for not being "perfect". So, WSs seek an altered state of reality and call it bliss, until they escape into the sunset and realize the AP isn't perfect afterall...With the damage already done, they have to either stay with them or leave. Some continue to seek the perfection, others settle into reality. It's called a warped sense of self.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Jeez that article sounds like it was written by a WS that hadn't got caught yet. lol so when he does get caught. "Hey babe read this article see it is your fault too."


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Ah. The ol' 50/50 you are both guilty line! Wonderful.


I don't think that's what is being said here.

There is only ONE person responsible for an affair, and that is the wayward spouse.

BUT... there are usually plenty of problems leading up to the affair (or separation, or divorce, or abandonment) and that's where the 50/50 comes in. Not all the time but most of the time. And that comes from two female marriage counselors and a female therapist to whom I have spoken to.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Another article - 
How to ruin your child's chance of a happy love life: Have an affair - and the damage is WORSE the older they are when you stray | Mail Online

Less equivocal, this one ...


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

30% - 60% of all married couples have affairs
Infidelity Statistics - Truth About Deception

The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

Information on Divorce Rate and Statistics

Loosely translated: in 100 couples, 59 will remain married, and of those ~ 27 will have an affair. 

I need to have a drink!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Cheaters love reading articles like this one


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> 30% - 60% of all married couples have affairs
> Infidelity Statistics - Truth About Deception
> 
> The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
> ...


Makes sense. If the first marriage doesn't work, why would the next ones? Especially since 30-60% of couples have affairs.


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