# Asking too much



## Nikki18 (Dec 29, 2020)

Hey good people! I'm a new kid here and wanted to vent and maybe get some advice. My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years, together for 7. We have a 2yo little boy and until recently we're pretty happy. You know what? That's a lie. I haven't been "happy" in a while. Our sex life has been riddled with problems since the jump. When we first got together, our work schedules were so off that we would only see each other a couple days a week, often going longer. So of course, when we did see each other, there would be fireworks sexually. It was fun, low stress, and exciting. Cut to about 2 years into the relationship and my good-Christian-girl guilt started acting up (I know, it's still something I'm actively working on) and I tried to put the proverbial cat back in it's bag. It never quite took. So there I was having guilty sex with someone I loved. Then we get married and I still can't get that initial spark back. It's like somehow those years before traumatized my psyche. After a baby (a very scary and traumatic pregnancy at that), I've come to terms that we may never get that spark back. My sex drive is crazy low (I'm in the mood maybe 3-4x/month). The bigger problem is that my husband's drive is like an 18yo. His preferred drive is daily, often twice a day. To top it off, his main love language is touch, which is my lowest one. I genuinely hate cuddling. Anyway, we had compromised the past year with agreed sex twice a week. I was okay with it, I thought he was too. Recently, a discussion we had lead to him saying twice a week wasn't happening (which it was) and he wanted to up it to 4x/wk. When I found the language to explain why this wouldn't work for me in my current state (wanting to not have unrealistic expectations, etc) he seemed genuinely okay with taking things down and meeting me at my drive. That was last month. Since then, he's up all hours of the night, hardly says more than a few words to me, seems even more glued to his phone (which I didn't think was possible), and is just distant. I'm trying to show grace and be patient, realizing this is a hard adjustment for him. 
I guess I'm starting to feel like what's the point of staying together if neither of us are getting what we need? And because sex is so vitally important him, which I don't fault at all, can I really be the wife he needs. Other parts of our relationship are good, but it seems everything leads back to sex. I just feel a bit lost...


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree with you. Marriage is a sexual relationship by nature. It doesn't sound like you want that kind of relationship with him.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You both sound like a great candidate for marriage counseling and/or sex therapy.

You have several obvious brakes putting the damper on your sexual activity. I suggest you check out the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski as she covers some (if not all) of your exact situation.

If you love your husband and want to stay with him it is well within your capability to work on this problem with him and fix it. He will have to do quite a bit of work as well depending on his behavior.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

This is one of those situations where you have to decide what you want more. And you have several options. Definantly start with the therapy, marriage and sex. If that doesn't work, then you have to look elsewhere. The final solution is to separate. The kid makes that a hard decision. Another is that one of you has to suffer, either him with a lack of sex or you with an overabundance of it. You also have the option of an open marriage, where he gets his sex needs outside the marriage. Now given the "good Christian girl guilt" you mentioned earlier, this may not be an option you want to take, but it is still an option that is out there and has to be considered.

This is something that you both have to work on. If he is not willing to put in the work on this as much as you are, then that leaving option looks a lot more likely.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I think you should at least try to fix your marriage before giving up. You sound like you'd both benefit from marriage counseling, and I think you'd benefit from individual counseling as well to work on that guilt. 

Even if you decide to leave the marriage, you should still talk with a counselor first and a marriage counselor can help with divorce and co-parenting. 

As for the love languages, that can be worked with as well. My wife and I have opposite love languages (hers are touch and quality time) and it wasn't easy but we're at as pretty good place and compromise now. At first I honestly hated touching her more and would count down the seconds until I could let go, but I don't do that anymore. It can get better, if you want it to. Do you?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You sound mature for your age as well as being thoughtful and compassionate. That makes me believe as others have said that y’all are a good choice for therapy.

Like you my wife had that “good girl” complex as well when she was younger. It took her a while to let it go but now enjoys the ownership of sexuality greatly.

The phone thing is a bad sign. It usually means he is talking to someone he should not be or is embarrassed for you to know he is watching porn.


----------



## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Nikki18 said:


> My sex drive is crazy low (I'm in the mood maybe 3-4x/month). The bigger problem is that my husband's drive is like an 18yo. His preferred drive is daily, often twice a day.


Just wondering if the OP has had a gyn check hormone levels. During and after pregnancy, my wife's drive was all over the place. And of course lactation and sleep deprivation from a small child didn't help much. She didn't like feeling bad, so took action herself to get things back on even keel. And told me at every step what was going on, like "Here is what am feeling, don't like it, need to get some help." Sounds like depression has crept into the mix for the OP too. Hopefully the OP doesn't give up on the family so easily, seems like a lot worth working to save. 

But, asking him to "meet me at my drive" is maybe a bridge too far. I think when he told you the frequency was too low and you told him HE was going to have to meet YOUR LD, that didn't help matters at all. .Kinda like saying "my way or the highway". Most males aren't going to take that well at all. He maybe decided, "ok you want low frequency, how about zero?" 

I hope the husband hasn't already "disconnected" from the OP and is on the telephone planning an exit. The OP better mend fences and quickly or her frequency will be zero for awhile. Or maybe she want's to be a single mom.

Not sure why a small effort from an LD spouse to accommodate the HD partner is evidently such a big damn deal. How would the OP feel if she was the HD partner. See lot of women on these forums complaining because the husband wont touch them ever. Of course there will be disruptions because of illness or fatique or physical problems. But not having sex with your mate because you just don't want to is not an excuse. The message delivered by rebuffing a mate is loud. Over five decades, we have both been LD or HD at different times in our lives. Whoever needed to "up their game" HAPPILY did so, we often laughed about it. The OP could make the husband very happy with minimal effort in numerous ways. How about figuring out how and working with the husband and maybe a counselor to return to those times before the "guilt trip"..

BTW lose the guilt!


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I'm going to second the idea of having your hormone levels checked. There might be something going on there. 

I can see why your guy is unhappy. You don't wanna have sex with him, you don't even want to touch him. It sounds as if you just plain do not want intimacy with him in any way. You guys definitely need to work out some sort of compromise and figure out what you want to do.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Note that if one or both of you are not capable of researching the problem you should really try sex therapy. All of the suggestions about baseline hormones and such will be covered there first to make sure there isn’t a physical problem.

To be honest though your 3-4x a month is enough drive to where you’re almost average. If you’re initiating those times instead of your husband then you have an immensely higher spontaneous desire than say my wife does.

I am similar to your husband even in my late 40s in that I can go 1-2x a day. So keep in mind that his drive may not diminish over time.

We’re now significantly better than your 2x a week figure and I stop or do not accept any sex from her where she is not an enthusiastic participant. With that said you’re both going to need to put in a lot of work.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Nikki18 said:


> Cut to about 2 years into the relationship and my good-Christian-girl guilt started acting up (I know, it's still something I'm actively working on) and I tried to put the proverbial cat back in it's bag. It never quite took. So there I was having guilty sex with someone I loved. Then we get married and I still can't get that initial spark back.


I hope, and I believe that your "good-Christian-girl" statement is not facetious. I believe that you are truly a Christian, meaning like the Apostle Paul described (Romans 7:14-24a NIV)

_We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! _



Nikki18 said:


> It's like somehow those years before traumatized my psyche.


Yes, my dear daughter-in-Christ, that is precisely correct. But, I, and countless other Christians, have been where you are, and I'm here today to tell you that, like Dr. Phil says ..."today is a changing day in your life...."....

I am not a Christian who believes in "hocus-pocus", immediate salvation, nor "just come to church suppers". It's true that deliverance begins on a single day (for us....the Lord begins His delivering work in advance....) We of the Christian faith used to have a mantra we carried .... "under the blood"..... Our Perfect Lord spilled His blood in the space of a few hours. You and I will not be able to appropriate His UNSPEAKABLE GIFT in such a small time, however, His gift can, indeed, over time, prayer, study of His word, and obedience to His will, be appropriated so completely and sufficiently that our past...... well, there's an old southern-gospel song titled "I Lost My Past, When I Found His Presence"....

This is what I want you to do, and what I'm asking you to try, for the next forty days:

Set aside 15 minutes of the first hour of your day to spend in your "prayer closet". Eliminate any, and all, distractions. Ask your husband to keep your child without your intervention during this time.

Begin this 15 minutes with a prayer, asking God for the RESULTS you want. Asking God to forgive you for your past is wonderful and appropriate. You may use the first minute of your first session for that, because no more time is needed, on that subject. God has promised to forgive you, in fact, He already has. Spend the other 39 minutes of your life asking God for what you want (a good and satisfying marriage is His perfect will for you to have), and asking Him to show you_ in His word, the bible _how you can have His gift of a wonderful marriage including good sex.

Then, in your remaining 14 minutes, I want you to read every word, and understand every word, of His word, beginning with the Gospel of John. When you have read, and understood, every word of the Gospel of John, move to the Gospel of Mark. Understand how Mark's gospel differs, and supports, John's Gospel. I assure you, you will completely run out of time. There are those who have made entire careers out of explaining the Gospels in concert.

At the end of these 40 days...... you will find your entire Christian perspective changed, and your marriage substantially improved, if you work your new understandings into your daily routine, behavior, and relationships with your husband and your child.

May God add His rich blessing to you and your family.



Rus47 said:


> seems like a lot worth working to save.



Amen.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nikki18 said:


> Hey good people! I'm a new kid here and wanted to vent and maybe get some advice. My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years, together for 7. We have a 2yo little boy and until recently we're pretty happy. You know what? That's a lie. I haven't been "happy" in a while. Our sex life has been riddled with problems since the jump. When we first got together, our work schedules were so off that we would only see each other a couple days a week, often going longer. So of course, when we did see each other, there would be fireworks sexually. It was fun, low stress, and exciting. Cut to about 2 years into the relationship and my good-Christian-girl guilt started acting up (I know, it's still something I'm actively working on) and I tried to put the proverbial cat back in it's bag. It never quite took. So there I was having guilty sex with someone I loved. Then we get married and I still can't get that initial spark back. It's like somehow those years before traumatized my psyche. After a baby (a very scary and traumatic pregnancy at that), I've come to terms that we may never get that spark back. My sex drive is crazy low (I'm in the mood maybe 3-4x/month). The bigger problem is that my husband's drive is like an 18yo. His preferred drive is daily, often twice a day. To top it off, his main love language is touch, which is my lowest one. I genuinely hate cuddling. Anyway, we had compromised the past year with agreed sex twice a week. I was okay with it, I thought he was too. Recently, a discussion we had lead to him saying twice a week wasn't happening (which it was) and he wanted to up it to 4x/wk. When I found the language to explain why this wouldn't work for me in my current state (wanting to not have unrealistic expectations, etc) he seemed genuinely okay with taking things down and meeting me at my drive. That was last month. Since then, he's up all hours of the night, hardly says more than a few words to me, seems even more glued to his phone (which I didn't think was possible), and is just distant. I'm trying to show grace and be patient, realizing this is a hard adjustment for him.
> I guess I'm starting to feel like what's the point of staying together if neither of us are getting what we need? And because sex is so vitally important him, which I don't fault at all, can I really be the wife he needs. Other parts of our relationship are good, but it seems everything leads back to sex. I just feel a bit lost...


Its all about compromise. Also the fact that you dont actually have to 'feel' like having sex to have it. So if say you are happy with once a week and he wants 4 times a week you settle for 2-3 times a week. 
What is he doing up all hours of the night and glued to his phone?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you enjoy sex at all?

That's an important question because someone who enjoys it once a week and just doesn't desire it more often is different then one who doesn't enjoy it at all.

How is your hb in bed? Is he generous? Does he spend time on you and your needs? Or is it about his wants?

This will help give better advice.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I read all the posts, and Christian to Christian, TJW's post is excellent for any Christian every day of the week. Prayer and spending time getting to know God from reading the Bible changes us as much or more than it changes the other person.

You said he is "glued to his telephone" which seems like something new for him. Like Diana7 said, you need to know why he is on his phone all of the sudden. He could be in an emotional or physical affair with someone, or he could be looking at pornography. Either way, knowledge is power, and your marriage is at a critical point. Many people feel entitled to get sex or emotional fulfilment outside the marriage rather than getting professional help for the marriage.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nikki18 said:


> Hey good people! I'm a new kid here and wanted to vent and maybe get some advice. My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years, together for 7. We have a 2yo little boy and until recently we're pretty happy. You know what? That's a lie. I haven't been "happy" in a while. Our sex life has been riddled with problems since the jump. When we first got together, our work schedules were so off that we would only see each other a couple days a week, often going longer. So of course, when we did see each other, there would be fireworks sexually. It was fun, low stress, and exciting. Cut to about 2 years into the relationship and my good-Christian-girl guilt started acting up (I know, it's still something I'm actively working on) and I tried to put the proverbial cat back in it's bag. It never quite took. So there I was having guilty sex with someone I loved. Then we get married and I still can't get that initial spark back. It's like somehow those years before traumatized my psyche. After a baby (a very scary and traumatic pregnancy at that), I've come to terms that we may never get that spark back. My sex drive is crazy low (I'm in the mood maybe 3-4x/month). The bigger problem is that my husband's drive is like an 18yo. His preferred drive is daily, often twice a day. To top it off, his main love language is touch, which is my lowest one. I genuinely hate cuddling. Anyway, we had compromised the past year with agreed sex twice a week. I was okay with it, I thought he was too. Recently, a discussion we had lead to him saying twice a week wasn't happening (which it was) and he wanted to up it to 4x/wk. When I found the language to explain why this wouldn't work for me in my current state (wanting to not have unrealistic expectations, etc) he seemed genuinely okay with taking things down and meeting me at my drive. That was last month. Since then, he's up all hours of the night, hardly says more than a few words to me, seems even more glued to his phone (which I didn't think was possible), and is just distant. I'm trying to show grace and be patient, realizing this is a hard adjustment for him.
> I guess I'm starting to feel like what's the point of staying together if neither of us are getting what we need? And because sex is so vitally important him, which I don't fault at all, can I really be the wife he needs. Other parts of our relationship are good, but it seems everything leads back to sex. I just feel a bit lost...


I'm almost 50 and my wife is 61. I have always had a high drive and she hasn't minded letting me drive the frequency over the years because I'm skilful with her anyway.

In recent years, she has developed some health issues and can't help but slow down a bit.

I'm still wanting it 2 or 3x a day.

I distract myself a lot on the phone, gym time, hobbies, etc. so I don't get overly frustrated.

My wife can't physically keep up anymore but she isn't CHOOSING to deny me either.

If you don't have a health problem, stop denying your husband so much.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

The "guilt" thing is very powerful. I have witnessed this in my wife for 27 years. Counseling is the best option.


----------



## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Nikki18 said:


> My sex drive is *crazy low* (I'm in the mood maybe 3-4x/month)





ccpowerslave said:


> To be honest though your 3-4x a month is enough drive to where you’re almost average.


If my hand is on a hot stove with dry ice on the back of it, on average it is at a comfortable temperature. Seriously, I suspect that the "average" derives from a lot of zeros (roommates with a marriage license) used in calculating the average. Less than one intimate encounter in a week between two (healthy) married people? Surprised they wouldn't forget how. Seriously, who doesn't have less than an hour every day to renew the pair bond with their mate? If not, I would submit they are spending the hour on the wrong things. Renewing that pair bond will pay huge dividends for both partners. 

Maybe what happens is the passion slowly drains away, and the intimacy slowly decreases until eventually at least one of the partners would just as soon stop all together.

How about the supposed philosophy of the Tahitian people, "Eat, sleep, make love, repeat". What is not to like?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

@Rus47 the value comes from the literature, I agree though that to me it doesn’t seem like much and ultimately average isn’t important if one person isn’t happy with it. 

I brought it up only so the OP doesn’t feel abnormal as she describes her drive as, “crazy low”. If you want to see crazy low check out the deadbedrooms subreddit.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why don't you both get your hormones looked at. No reason it has to just be you that has the imbalance if there is one. I suspect this is more about just being married for a while. I think doing what you're doing and compromising on the frequency is probably the best you're going to be able to do. There's no reason why you should be out of your comfort zone. there's no reason why he should have the expectation that every single time he wants to have sex on his schedule that anyone is obligated to do that with him especially considering that masturbation is an option and especially given the fact that you are having sex regularly. It's not like you've just cut him off and he's never getting sex. 

I think maybe his entitlement is a little high and maybe your hormones are a little low.


----------



## Nikki18 (Dec 29, 2020)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's nice to hear other perspectives and even some similarities. Ultimately, I think we are worth saving and we had another discussion today. Probably our biggest challenge as a couple is that we miscommunicate and assume things instead of asking. He acknowledged he does the same thing. One person wrote about how he distracts himself to not get too worked up and I think that's what my husband is doing. We had a great talk and have decided to ride this thing out (no pun intended) and look into counselors. Much love to y'all! 
Oh btw, hearing that my sex drive is average actually DOES help me a bit. I know comparison is the thief of joy but somtimes it's needed.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think your sex drive sounds about average, but you know that changes with hormones, age, and children. I certainly have known enough couples that were fine with twice a week once out of the honeymoon phase.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I have issues with expectations myself and my reaction to them. Have had to work on it a lot these past few months. The fact you’re able to have good discussions about it is a good sign. I know it helped me a lot.


----------



## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Nikki18 said:


> Other parts of our relationship are good, but it seems *everything leads back to sex*.





Nikki18 said:


> The *bigger problem* is that my husband's drive is like an 18yo.





Nikki18 said:


> *One person wrote about how he distracts himself to not get too worked up* and I think that's what my husband is doing.





DownByTheRiver said:


> I think maybe his *entitlement* is a little high


Realize the OP closed this out, but with all of these comments just remember the husband isn't in chains and may choose to exit sooner rather than later. 

BTW, the person who mentioned distracting himself did so because his wife was not physically capable of responding anymore, not because the wife thought that was what he should do because she didn't want to respond.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think she actually remarked maybe he'd be happier elsewhere, and she seems willing to go that route because she's not been happy in a long time. But honestly, I doubt HE would be happier elsewhere. Sure, when dating, sex runs hot, but he's a little high maintenance for a lot of people and is likely to hit the wall eventually with the next one for one reason or another, having kids, hormone changes, maturing, and the fact familiarity does sometimes breed boredom and loss of spark. So maybe he's better off just dating if he's attractive. If he's not all that attractive, he'll just end up doing without a lot, I'm afraid. I'm sure she knows he could leave.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

People just don't put enough effort into finding a sexually compatible partner when they seek a mate...I haven't been on this site long, but if you spend more than 10 minutes perusing the threads, you realize that problems in the bedroom are seemingly the number one issue..

Anyway...Horrible mismatch here, and if you do wind up at a point where both manage to get what they want/need, then it's likely to be somewhat contrived and never spontaneous or driven/fun...Eff that....wouldn't be worth it, I don't care what any therapist says....for me, anyway, (and Id imagine a lot of others as well)..

I hope it all works out somehow, but IME, it winds up either never getting any better(often worse over time) or some kind of mechanical effort of sorts that a lot of people don't particularly get anything from..

It will wind up always being the proverbial 600 lb gorilla in the corner that no one wants to acknowledge.. I hope not for the OP's sake, but that's usually the deal..


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OP, one thing about the Christian guilt -- God gave you marriage to this man so that YOU CAN ENJOY sex with him. He is the one YOU ARE SUPPOSED to enjoy sex with -- you shouldn't feel guilty about any of it as long as the both of you are enjoying the sex (which builds that emotional bond between you). God never wanted married couples to feel guilty about sex.


----------



## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> ...you shouldn't feel guilty about any of it as long as the both of you are enjoying the sex (*which builds that emotional bond between you*).


Exactly, and as I said before can't see how intimacy less than once a week can maintain any kind of pair bond. And in the face of all of the issues a marriage encounters every day, renewing that bond as often as feasible is essential. Otherwise the always present irritations build into major issues.

Maybe the low averages are just indicative of why so many couples end up splitting. They don't really like, let alone love one another, don't even want to "cuddle" with their "partner". And, guess the OP and some advisors think sending the old boy on his way would be fine if he isn't willing to settle for crumbs. 

Another thing, the OP mentioned a traumatic pregnancy. Hopefully there isn't some PTSD in the mix somehow connecting sex with that trauma, maybe unconsciously.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> People just don't put enough effort into finding a sexually compatible partner when they seek a mate...I haven't been on this site long, but if you spend more than 10 minutes perusing the threads, you realize that problems in the bedroom are seemingly the number one issue..
> 
> Anyway...Horrible mismatch here, and if you do wind up at a point where both manage to get what they want/need, then it's likely to be somewhat contrived and never spontaneous or driven/fun...Eff that....wouldn't be worth it, I don't care what any therapist says....for me, anyway, (and Id imagine a lot of others as well)..
> 
> ...


Yes, this. I unfortunately don't see this working out in the long run. OP doesn't even like to cuddle, she said, and the husband's top love language is touch. That coupled with the sex drive absolute mismatch seem to present such huge problems any "compromise" might not work. People who want to touch and have sex often with their partner are not usually happy if they are with someone who doesn't enjoy them back. They want some kind of mutuality, not someone who is hating every second of it.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> OP, one thing about the Christian guilt -- God gave you marriage to this man so that YOU CAN ENJOY sex with him. He is the one YOU ARE SUPPOSED to enjoy sex with -- you shouldn't feel guilty about any of it as long as the both of you are enjoying the sex (which builds that emotional bond between you). God never wanted married couples to feel guilty about sex.


Part of the problem is that they were having sex prior to marriage, and her guilt trip started then. Then it continued after they got married.


----------



## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Part of the problem is that they were having sex prior to marriage, and her guilt trip started then. Then it continued after they got married.


But why the guilt trip? I have friends and relatives that have lived together HAPPILY as long as 20 years in monogamy ("common law?") without being formally married. One couple just married formally in their seventies after living together since their fifties. Maybe marriage is an anachronism in today's world. 

The OP's husband probably thought he had done due diligence regarding sexual compatibility, the OP said before marriage they came together enthusiastically as often as work schedules allowed. She didn't seem to object to him having energy of 18 yo then, but now it is the biggest problem in their marriage. Being "entitled", he is welcome to hit the road or go solo to meet his needs. Oh, and he better not be looking at porn on his phone either.

Revising my original conjecture that there seemed a lot to be saved, the husband is for sure better off cutting his losses and exiting ASAP.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Part of the problem is that they were having sex prior to marriage, and her guilt trip started then. Then it continued after they got married.


I'm gonna go out on a limb and put it out there; it's possible the guilt trip due to being a good Christian girl reason is being thrown out by OP as a convenient excuse.

The timing is too far off.

Something else is in the mix.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> But why the guilt trip? I have friends and relatives that have lived together HAPPILY as long as 20 years in monogamy ("common law?") without being formally married. One couple just married formally in their seventies after living together since their fifties. Maybe marriage is an anachronism in today's world.
> 
> The OP's husband probably thought he had done due diligence regarding sexual compatibility, the OP said before marriage they came together enthusiastically as often as work schedules allowed. She didn't seem to object to him having energy of 18 yo then, but now it is the biggest problem in their marriage. Being "entitled", he is welcome to hit the road or go solo to meet his needs. Oh, and he better not be looking at porn on his phone either.
> 
> Revising my original conjecture that there seemed a lot to be saved, the husband is for sure better off cutting his losses and exiting ASAP.





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm gonna go out on a limb and put it out there; it's possible the guilt trip due to being a good Christian girl reason is being thrown out by OP as a convenient excuse.
> 
> The timing is too far off.
> 
> Something else is in the mix.


I'm only pointing out that her guilt started prior to the formal marriage. In some religious denominations/sects, this is a major sin, even if you do get formally married later. She began surprising prior to the marriage, and now it's showing effects after. I am not commenting on whether she should continue feeling the guilt or not. Merely noting that the damage was done prior.to.the marriage and carries over. This kind of emotional/psychological damage doesn't always self repair.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------

