# Do you consider this controlling?



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Okay, so my fiance and I have been together for about 4 years, we haven't married yet because he says he doesn't want to be married again. My question was "Why did you ask then?" and his answer was, "Because your family was great when I met them, now their just like everyone else." 

My fiance and I moved 200 miles away from our families so we could live better. The truth? We don't do so well. 

My fiance commands me in our house, when I can watch TV, when I need to do dishes, the house is a mess, clean this up, it looks just like your parents house, how do I get to this street, you give directions awful getting them from a pet monkey would be easier. I asked him about his daughters visitation week with her mom and what he said over and over didn't make sense, so when I asked him to show me he said, quote: "Here I'll idiot proof it for you." 

He doesn't consider any of these things he says mean. I asked him one time if I had dark circles under my eyes, I hadn't slept well that night and wondered if I looked tired. He said, "I don't know I can't see through all the acne." 

He knows I am sensitive about my adult acne, I haven't been able to get rid of it since I was a teen, no matter what I try or take. I am also overweight because I haven't been doing much physical work like I normally do, I know I need to lose it and barely eat anything, but he'll ask me things like.. "Are you losing weight?" "Do you think you need to lose weight?" 

Anything he says you can't be mad at, offended by or anything if you even ask him about why he does something and how you feel he gets annoyed and has a way of turning it back on you. Just this morning I bathed both our basset hounds and asked him if he would take them out, I was wet haired from being out of the shower and asked him to. I have used the "Wet Hair" excuse before, so has he, so I just asked him if he could take them out since I had wet hair. He said ok, went to get dressed then said, "No you need to take them out because I have to go to town." After he already said he would. 

Then he got mad because I argued, if you don't get over it quick if he passes you he'll say things like, "****ing stupid" or "Are you still complaining" " Don't be a *****" or he'll say things under his breath. 

He has been trying to be more sensitive but for some reason he just doesn't get it. He's a former airborne ranger, army guy so he has this need for supreme clean. He knows I'm not real neat. If I argue, comment or anything to make him annoyed or mad he usually says something like, "Last night I was seriously considering to tell you to beat it and hit the road." hes threatened to kick me out three or four times. The first time was when he arrived at the new house and I hadn't gotten everything un packed yet, even though I had been working through the two days and taking care of his 6 year old daughter. 

Am I in the wrong? Or is there anything I can do to help this relationship? I need some comments here, I have no idea what to do. I am at a loss. I love this man, but his love, he says, has limits. 

Help?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sounds like he is very controlling.
going to be a very bad situation if you marry him.

he sounds like just a mean guy too, the things he says to you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, don't marry him. My ex h was controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. It got much worse once we were married. He believed he "owned" me.

My husband now never tells me to do anything, ever. He also expects nothing from me either. We have a really strong marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's a jackass.

Find your self respect. He sure doesn't like you much.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

Honestly, I don't consider that controlling. It's call verbal abuse. 

I believe that marriage is a partnership in which one helps the other become a better person. If I down, I want him to be there for me; to tell me that it's okay, that there is another day, that we learn from it and move on. He becomes the better part of me. It is a reciprocal relationship where I become that person when he is down. 

Adult acne can be very emotionally draining. I can relate. But acne doesn't make you who you are. This sounds kinda silly, but what matters most is what's inside. People who can't seem beyond the acne often lacks the ability to appreciate people for who they are.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you know anything about his childhood?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Its controlling and abuse, why do you put up with this? If the house isnt clean why doesnt he clean it? How long are you prepared to live this way till it gets to the point that you believe that this is a way to live. That is wrong you need to make a choice to be with a person like that or go back home to your family his already told you that he doesnt want ot get marrried so im guessing you are still with him because you dont want to mary him either. If there is no future is there any point in going on he sounds like a really mean person he needs to be put in his place, he seems very intimidating which a wrong way to live. Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's verbally abusive. I also think he's controlling as you said he tells you what you can do and when you can do it.

Abusive and controlling people often do things to separate their mate from friends and family. It's a lot easier to abuse/control someone who has no one around who can give them support. That is probably why he had you both move.. to take you away from anyone who supports you.

He's also using you to take care of his child. You are not the child's parent. He is. So he should be doing the bulk of taking care of her.

Please do not marry this man. Do not have children with him. Everything that is bad now will get many times worse after marriage. People relax after they are married and change.. usually for the worst. 

Can you move back to where you lived before and get away from him? There are good men out there who will treat you well. You deserve better than this.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Telling you "Last night I was seriously considering to tell you to beat it and hit the road." is the same, emotionally, as telling you in the first place. Maybe worse, because even when things are going well, he can just go back in time and use HIS past emotions to justify whatever he's saying or doing at the present time. Meanwhile, your emotions aren't ever considered. I'd say he's done you a huge favor by not marrying and I think if you're only two hundred miles away from your parents it will only take a day for them to come to get you and take you home. Yes, it is controlling. He moved you away from your parents not to live better, but to have more control over you. Just leave! I realize this is easier said than done, but if you were capable of unpacking a house in two days (regardless of what he said, you did it) while watching his daughter and also you have kept more or less esteem in place to come here, dealt with adult acne (I have it frequently and it stinks) and not being able to take physical good care of yourself, I'd say you will be just fine without this guy. He needs you wayyyyyyyy more than you need him. He is afraid of losing you and only controls you in this way to confuse you and keep you from leaving. You're way smarter than he's giving you credit for, only he's keeping you so busy you can't get any kind of outside opinion or affirmation. Think back to your life before you were with him...did you ever question your capabilities in a serious way? There's a whole list of symptoms of abuse, you can google them and see if any of them ring a bell with you. I think they will. What he's doing isn't just controlling, it's outright abusive. Threatening to kick someone out of where they live is abusive. Saying that you were going to kick someone out or were close to it is abusive. These are threats. Which he could carry out. It's no way to live, wondering if you can call your home, home, from day to day.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He's an abusive tyrannical a-hole. A small man who feels good beating you down because you won't fight back. A bully, a scumbag, a weak little man any dad of a daughter would enjoy thrashing.


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## BlueGinger (Jan 22, 2012)

not only is his behavior controlling, it's abusive. no one in a romantic relationship should EVER tolerate those kinds of condescending comments. he's purposefully trying to make you feel "lesser than" so he can feel a little bigger himself. remember, as bad as you feel i guarantee his self esteem is MUCH worse. it takes a very small and pathetic person to have the need to speak to someone that way. do you think an employer would ever be allowed to speak to an employee that way? NO WAY! or an officer of the law to a civilian? even a parent to a child, or vice versa? the answer is still no because it's extremely direspectful. so start respecting yourself and kick this LOSER to the curb. YOU DESERVE BETTER! best of luck to you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Make a call to your family, and if possible pack your things, and move back home. Don't spend no more time with this guy. It's time to live your life without his put downs.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Dear, find a good counselor and figure out why you stay with someone who is so very mean. 

You deserve better. Make sure you learn how to be more observant and notice the signs that someone is mistreating you--usually people get stuck with someone like him b/c they simply do not have the kind of self-esteem they need, the kind that sets off alarms when someone is disrespectful to them. Good luck!


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Run fast!


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