# Full Recovery Possible???



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Has anyone out there ever felt fully like your marriage was back on track or healed after your spouse had an affair? Do you ever stop worrying that he/she will do it again? 

Sometimes I think I am so scared about getting hurt again I make it impossible. Maybe testing him :scratchhead:
trying to make him walk awayjust to see if he will???? 

Here's an example, out of the blue (this happens when I get very tired and stressed which I am right now with work and kids)feeling like everything was "broken" I lashed out at him I think trying to make him mad at me. He said something and I interpretted it that he was mad (turns out he wasn't just getting my attention) so I said "I knew you'd get to the point where it was too hard, you always took the easy road." I'd gotten it in my head he was leavig. He was so shocked, asked me where I got the idea he was leaving. I didn't realize what I was saying it just came out. 

Part of the stress I am feeling is that he's recently admitted to more. He downplayed everything... They even talked about futures and how theirs didn't mesh (she wasnts kids, he's done). So how do I reconicle that? I told him that made me feel like the conciliation prize, so if she was 10 years older and you wanted more kids maybe you would have left. I wonder.... he said that's not it at all and that he was saying that only so she knew there was eventually an ending. I just wonder if he promised her he'd leave me. He denies it.

I still feel like there is more, maybe there is not. What I told him, problem is when you lie and keep lying..then one day you stop people have already stopped believing you. He said he knew and would do whatever it took even install tracking software on his phone (which I said no I don't want to live that way). Now I tell myself I know ENOUGH...so trying very hard to say even if there is more i doesn't matter. Really trying to do that! Anyway, it just sounds like a lot of you the other person came "clean". He didn't so is harder. 

On another note ... about karma! if you have read my earlier posts....crazy neighbor couple next door the wife is best friends with the OW. Well they moved 2 more doors down (renting), OW moved out of the neighborbood don't have to see her. The couple that was next door was harrassing us (mostly the wife...husband even told me she and the OW are lovers) ..

Well guess what? She and the OW had a threesome with another woman and supposedly posted pics... on MySpace! The husband came over told us all this after the police had come and made her leave as he'd filed an order of protection. Anyway, he apologized for all the trouble to us told us he thought he was doing right by standing up for his wife but she's nuts and he kicked her out. They are getting a divorce... I knew how unhappy they were and that's why she was trying to pull us down too!


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

I wish I had an answer for you. We are still in such the early stages of fixing and recovery that I think we both have our own doubts of whether or not it can be fixed. For me, I have to have the hope that it can be fixed, otherwise I get consumed with all the reasons it can't. And I'm afraid that by doing that if we are only focused on the fact that it can't be fixed, we'll doom ourselves. 

My husband did "come clean" on his own- I didn't find out anything before that, but I still have this fear that there is more. I think that's normal because your trust has been so betrayed, that you continue not to trust. 

We are reading a book that I have found very helpful. It's called _After the Affair_ by Janis Abrahms Spring. It has helped put words to what I'm feeling and helped both of us understand what the other is feeling. 

I don't have any answers, just sympathy knowing that everything you are going through is so hard. *hugs*


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

From the other side of the coin: I would say that I feel my marriage is back on track after getting to the brink of divorce last year. I am the one who had an affair, and my husband and I have reached a point after a year+ of therapy that I finally am feeling like we have rebuilt our relationship. Every now and then (maybe 3x in the 4 months since he decided to stay and work things out), I think, "what if he changes his mind and wants out?" but I know that if that happens, it isn't because of anything I've done since reconciling. I suppose he could change his mind and it would blindside me, but I suspect there would be some sort of discussion before he would make a sudden announcement. We've been really trying to communicate more and differently (better). I've been thinking I want to sit down and ask him how he thinks the relationship is going. It was a *really* bad year last year and for most of it, he didn't know if he even wanted to try to work on things. Not sure what made him change his mind, but in November, he said that he was committed to the marriage and since then, things have been so much better.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ohhhh I am on your page there lady I wish I had some type of group I could join here meet people and new friends to help me move on!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

iwillsurvive said:


> I wish I had an answer for you. We are still in such the early stages of fixing and recovery that I think we both have our own doubts of whether or not it can be fixed. For me, I have to have the hope that it can be fixed, otherwise I get consumed with all the reasons it can't. And I'm afraid that by doing that if we are only focused on the fact that it can't be fixed, we'll doom ourselves.
> 
> My husband did "come clean" on his own- I didn't find out anything before that, but I still have this fear that there is more. I think that's normal because your trust has been so betrayed, that you continue not to trust.
> 
> ...



I agree, once that betrayal happens its just difficult to take that leap of faith. Thanks.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> From the other side of the coin: I would say that I feel my marriage is back on track after getting to the brink of divorce last year. I am the one who had an affair, and my husband and I have reached a point after a year+ of therapy that I finally am feeling like we have rebuilt our relationship. Every now and then (maybe 3x in the 4 months since he decided to stay and work things out), I think, "what if he changes his mind and wants out?" but I know that if that happens, it isn't because of anything I've done since reconciling. I suppose he could change his mind and it would blindside me, but I suspect there would be some sort of discussion before he would make a sudden announcement. We've been really trying to communicate more and differently (better). I've been thinking I want to sit down and ask him how he thinks the relationship is going. It was a *really* bad year last year and for most of it, he didn't know if he even wanted to try to work on things. Not sure what made him change his mind, but in November, he said that he was committed to the marriage and since then, things have been so much better.



Did your husband learn of your affair because you told him or because he found out somehow? When he did learn about it, did you hold back some of the important information, if so why?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ohhhh I am on your page there lady I wish I had some type of group I could join here meet people and new friends to help me move on!


For some reason lately its been a little bit worse....rather than get better. I feel like I'm missing something.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I got that way to I was up on a high then low then high then low its horrible I hope it comes back not how we were but just back to us and this is all a bad dream. HARD so hard.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

In my (humble) opinion yes and no....
No the marriage for us never came back, but I didn't want it to. I remember telling her that I wouldn't accept what we had. I wanted something spectacular. 
Yes you can have a great marriage without fear after an affair. It takes a lot!!!! I have seen my wife change in so many ways (all for the better). Dealing with her demons helped, improving our communication helped, and learning each other helped.
We also don’t neglect our marriage now. We connect daily (at a deep level). We focus on our marriage. We also don’t let things go unsaid.
Things have to change. There has to be 100% transparency. You have to say when you are concerned, what you believe is trust, and being open. He has to be willing to share everything.
If you always do what you always did, you will get what you always got.


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