# Am I shaming her past



## slowalker (Aug 18, 2020)

so if my wife makes up a sexual partner and tells me about it in our 19th year of marriage. Then admits it is a lie. Can she come at me for dredging up her past when....

A. It was Monday 
B. Today is Wednesday 
C. Married 19 years


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Eh? She told you 2 days ago that she had a sexual partner when she didnt? Do you mean a sexual partner from before you met? How do you know he is fake and why would she make that up?


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## slowalker (Aug 18, 2020)

Lol. It was actually 3 and she was trying to hurt me. She does it all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I tried to read your other thread but it's just too hard to follow. Maybe after I get 8 hours of sleep I'll try again.

What I did gather from it is that you are obsessed. You cannot hardly make any sense out of anything going in circles as you are. You would benefit from seeing an individual counselor to get help in figuring out how to deal with this and why are you so indecisive.









Could this really be happening?


2 weeks ago I thought I was in a good marriage. Over 20 years we have had a lot of problems but I don't remember ever thinking divorce was a option for either of us. When my wife left for a doctor's appointment this morning I packed my bags and ran. Could this all be a dream? Edit. Sorry about...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

slowalker said:


> so if my wife makes up a sexual partner and tells me about it in our 19th year of marriage. Then admits it is a lie. Can she come at me for dredging up her past when....
> 
> A. It was Monday
> B. Today is Wednesday
> C. Married 19 years


I can't understand what you are trying to say.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@slowalker Your wife likes to upset you and lies to you to achieve this end. Is that how it goes?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

slowalker said:


> Lol. It was actually 3 and she was trying to hurt me. She does it all the time.


I read your much longer post previously.

You related an irrational problem you had about her hair falling out that was all in her head.

You seem to be doing similar about her "numbers" before she was with you.

Your previous post started fine and then you lost me, but here is what I understood, tell me if it is correct:
1-Your wife was shy in high school.
2-At college she lived in a party house.
3-She got wild, stopped going to class, left college to live at home.,
4-Your wife was wild, so were you, you were will together, then you got serious.
5-You married, had children, house, all good.
6-Sex slowed down, foreplay slowed down, sex was not good, usually just adequate, sometimes bad
7-You both were fine with sex that way until you wanted more passion, foreplay, wife didn't
8-You began questioning her partner count before you, which you never brought up before
9-Your wife gave you a number, then you brought it up again, and the it changed, and so on.
10-You wife told you she did one act with you she never did with someone else. Now she says she did. Then when you cried, she said she lied to hurt you.
11-It seems your wife is now pushing your buttons, any time she wants to watch you go crazy, just press the button and watch slo go.

My experience: Girls in party houses who are wild easily could have 100 numbers over a year or two or three. I had a lot of partners, less than 100 for sure, but I could never figure out what the number is. I partied and on rare occasion was unable to remember the day before and more than once I couldn't remember everything, not even her name when the morning came. I assume your wife had a similar lifestyle for a year or two, that's why she had to drop out of college and live with mom and dad again. The special thing probably happened, why would she be saving it for you when she didn't even realize she'd be dating you ever, nevermind marry you ultimately.

Focusing on your wife's number now, 19 years later, is the same as when she thought her hair was falling out. Irrational.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I'm somewhat confused like the others. If your wife is intentionally trying to hurt you, that's messed up. What's her end game with that? On the other hand, maybe she's trying to make you jealous so you will appreciate her more. If that's the case, it's time to have a talk about what she is missing in your marriage. Be glad the affair is fake and not some real dude.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

slowalker said:


> Lol. It was actually 3 and she was trying to hurt me. She does it all the time.


How cruel. does she always lie about things?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

In a game of one-upmanship, both sides lose. This is cruel in any way shape or form. I would reward her cruelty with a separation, leading to a divorce and your eventual remarriage to someone who will not overtly try to hurt you to advance their argument.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I read both threads.
I'm not sure what the hell I just read.
However I do know this. Life is too short to be with a liar that enjoys putting their spouse through mental gymnastics in an attempt to abuse them.
You have two options. If you want to stay, she needs therapy and you need therapy. After you both work through your malfunctions, if there is anything left to save, some MC may be in order.
Your other option is to lawyer up, explore your options, act and move on. IMO, life is too short for this kind of drama.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she made this up (or not), you said she's trying to hurt you. Unless you did something comparable to hurt her, then at least she owes you an apology, and at most you should consider divorcing her for repeatedly trying to hurt you. And now she's trying to control how you respond to this event. Red flags everywhere!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Slowalker,

A serious question is did she lie to you before you got married about the number of sexual partners and what she did with them. Did she also continue to lie throughout your marriage when asked or did she make minimizing statements about her past. 

Another question is did you feel your W was never really sexually attracted to you, but married you for practical reasons.

In a sense if the answer to either of those questions is yes then you have grounds not so much for a divorce but a delayed annulment. I suspect from most legal perspectives you do not, perhaps in Saudi Arabia, but from a personal moral sense you do. Its similar to divorcing a spouse who had engaged in undisclosed prostitution even decades after the fact.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe she is tired of you going on and on about it after she already gave you the truth which you chose not to believe. Now she makes up anything because she has learned you will except no answers... truth or not.


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## slowalker (Aug 18, 2020)

TAMAT said:


> Slowalker,
> 
> A serious question is did she lie to you before you got married about the number of sexual partners and what she did with them. Did she also continue to lie throughout your marriage when asked or did she make minimizing statements about her past.
> 
> ...


No. I do not believe either to be true.


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## slowalker (Aug 18, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe she is tired of you going on and on about it after she already gave you the truth which you chose not to believe. Now she makes up anything because she has learned you will except no answers... truth or not.


Yes. This is very much a possibility.


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## slowalker (Aug 18, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I can't understand what you are trying to say.


It never happened 

It was told to me in our 19th year of marriage in a failed attempt to make me angry 

Can she say she doesn't want to talk about it because it is from before we met?


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## Buckeyedad (Aug 4, 2020)

slowalker said:


> so if my wife makes up a sexual partner and tells me about it in our 19th year of marriage. Then admits it is a lie. Can she come at me for dredging up her past when....
> 
> A. It was Monday
> B. Today is Wednesday
> C. Married 19 years


Just file for a divorce. 

Meet up with your Divorce Attorney.

She obviously has a tendency to fabricate things and that you can't trust her.

Not sure, what answer you expect to receive, but that is my advice to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

slowalker said:


> Lol. It was actually 3 and she was trying to hurt me. She does it all the time.


The question is, why is she trying to hurt you, what were you discussing, etc? Give us some context here. I have not read your other thread and it appears that others cannot make head nor tail of it.
What exactly is the issue in two sentences?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

slowalker said:


> It never happened
> 
> It was told to me in our 19th year of marriage in a failed attempt to make me angry
> 
> Can she say she doesn't want to talk about it because it is from before we met?


The answer to that depends upon the notions of privacy and boundaries you discussed and accepted before marriage. Either of you could have said that elements of the past are private and none of their partner’s business, and it would be up to their partner to either accept that or end the relationship.

But if you claimed to be open about your past but carried significant undeclared baggage, stuff that you didn’t want your partner to know because it might scare them off, that’s terribly unfair, selfish and potentially destructive. Could even be manipulative.


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