# How sxually honest are you with your spouse?



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?

Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?

Do you think there is a level honesty that can ne destructive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I used to try and share my fantasies and desires with my wife...however when she started calling me 'sick' because I wanted oral sex, or a pervert because I said I'd quite like to make love to her outside in the countryside or a freak because I said I'd love to have a prostate massage....or a sex maniac because I want sex more than once a month....

....then I clammed up. Its all in the vault now. I tell her absolutely nothing. Nada, Zilch.

I think if you are on teh same page sexually than sharing, talking about your fantasies etc is a perfectly normal and natural thing to do...infact it could probably make an already good sex life better.

However, if you arent on teh same page, let alone book...forget it. Pervert!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

askari said:


> I used to try and share my fantasies and desires with my wife...however when she started calling me 'sick' because I wanted oral sex, or a pervert because I said I'd quite like to make love to her outside in the countryside or a freak because I said I'd love to have a prostate massage....or a sex maniac because I want sex more than once a month....
> 
> ....then I clammed up. Its all in the vault now. I tell her absolutely nothing. Nada, Zilch.
> 
> ...


Mm hmm


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


I don't tell him every fantasy.Some things in my head are just meant for me to know. I tell him most things though. If I wanted to bring in a third person,which I don't,I would tell him. He knows I look at sexy pictures online and he knows what I'm into...he doesn't like that I do it but he's more accepting now.

Any mild kinks I've shared with him seem to be received well unless it involves him being dominant somehow. He'll shut me down immediately "yeah I'm not that guy.I'm not into that at all." Then he gets depressed "When you express those things it worries me that I'm not what you need."
ugh.

Anyway,I do think a lot of relationships have that dangerous over share point. I envy the people who can pour their fantasies out to their partners without fear of making that person insecure.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I've shared most of my fantasies with my husband but I've kept one or two in my own dirty mind. Those are probably too naughty for him to handle so I'll keep them to myself !?!

Now he will of course see this and ask haaaaa ?!?!!

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I think that you have to mix compassion with all honesty, even sexual honesty.

I don't think that you can just brutally share everything with your partner.

Besides, some things are just fantasy for me. I have no interest in really trying them, so why bring it up?

And I don't think involving a third person is ever a good idea, in my opinion.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

After 12 years, I know what her comfort zones are and I let her know what I'd like to do that's within those zones (occasionally, as sex is infrequent) but there is other stuff I'd like to do that I know is outside of those zones and I keep that to myself. I'm the one who has become more adventurous sexually so while I will try and push boundaries every now and then, I don't push very hard. If anything, she has become less sexually adventurous, so I have to keep that in mind.

However, when she's drunk, she is much less inhibited and will pretty much go with the flow and I will try and get her to indulge in my fantasies a little more. Nothing sick, just a little more exciting than missionary and doggy style.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Most things we share, some we keep to ourselves. We are very open about sex, and discuss it often, especially things we want to do or do/try differently. There probably are some things that could be counterproductive if discussed, and some thoughts that may be best left unspoken. We're smart enough to decide which those are.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

askari said:


> I used to try and share my fantasies and desires with my wife...however when she started calling me 'sick' because I wanted oral sex, or a pervert because I said I'd quite like to make love to her outside in the countryside or a freak because I said I'd love to have a prostate massage....or a sex maniac because I want sex more than once a month....
> 
> ....then I clammed up. Its all in the vault now. I tell her absolutely nothing. Nada, Zilch.
> 
> ...


Holy hell.... You are really called those things? For liking sex? She seriously says those out loud and to your face???

Man if my wife called me sick, pervert, and a freak for liking and wanting sex I would call her x.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I share the things that I suspect he could or would do. I don't specifically tell him that I watched some porn the other day and this was what I saw...

I think my sexuality can intimidate him, so I hold back a lot.

Askari, you poor man. You have to find a way to open your wife up. It's not going to happen unless you push it to happen.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Not very honest. 

For some reason, she takes it very personally if I suggest something/anything - like she's not good enough. Like if she knew I read TAM frequently, she'd feel bad about it like she was doing something wrong. It's kind of strange, and I'd prefer it to be more open, but I hate it when she feels inadequate which is how she would take it - like I'm seeking something she can't provide.

That said, our sex life is ok to good, not brilliant due to some of her personal hang-ups, but certainly not bad.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Over the past year I have become a lot more open about what I would like to do with him. We never discussed sex, ever at all. Now we can have comfortable conversations about it, so that is nice.

I would like to have a relationship where I could share more, but I don't feel like I have that. He does not seem interested in fantasies, etc. He has never been one to ask me questions and if I offer something up he gives me no sign he wants to hear more. 

If I ask him questions he gets very embarrassed and has no answers for me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

dubsey said:


> For some reason, she takes it very personally if I suggest something/anything - like she's not good enough. Like if she knew I read TAM frequently, she'd feel bad about it like she was doing something wrong. It's kind of strange, and I'd prefer it to be more open, but I hate it when she feels inadequate which is how she would take it - like I'm seeking something she can't provide.


That sounds like my husband actually.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I I could change only one thing about my sex life with my wife, it would be just this.....being truley able to have both of us share about our sexuality, fantasies, turn-on's, etc. For my case, and reading tons of other threads, lack of clear and open communication seems to be a huge factor in many people issues. It may not be the root issue for many marriages, but it sure seems that being transparent and open about each others sexuality would be a big step forward for a ton of us.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I do need to add, there are some things that might be too much to share. My wife shares very little, but years ago she shared that she had a very intense dream about sex witha good friend of mine. No one can help what they dream about, but I realized she was reflecting back on the dream often and really digging it. I did get a bit jealous, mostly becuase it was a real person who she did see in-person on occasion. Since she shares very little, I tried to be glad she shared it with me, but it was a bit "close to home". I know it was just a dream and she was not going to act on it, but it reminded me that sharing can be a great thing, but can also cause somr negative emotion


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

I have spent the last 18 months or so working on being totally open about my sexual thoughts, ideas, etc. with my wife as part of trying to be more open to sharing everything in our relationship. My wife is very LD and by her own admission, if I didn't bring the subject up or broach an idea, then it wouldn't be there. These kind of conversations sometimes have to be entered into with great sensitivity and other times with a spirit of playfulness and fun. She has been amazingly receptive and so our repertoire has vastly expanded and I think that she has gotten as much out of this as me.

That being said, there are still a few things that I prefer to keep to myself. I can't think of an example right now, so I can't explain why some things remain private. As SB said earlier, there are some things that are better left in your head.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

When our marriage was sexually active, the sky was the limit and was discussed! But only after I realized faking orgasms got me nowhere, but exhausted and more frustrated. To h3ll I thought with all the one sided flow. I went on a journey to discover what sex was all about between two. Let me tell you-- Once I found out what sex was all about (that it is to be mutually enjoyed) we carried out some of the craziest sexual scenarios to the hilt.. 

"I" wanted to enjoy the ride too!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hmm, my wife is very asexual so in some ways this question isn't even applicable. Even back in the days we did have somewhat of an acceptable sex life, any fantasy I had that I told her about was "icky" so I stopped talking about them. One day, when I'm finally rid of this marriage, I hope to have a partner I can share these things with.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

jb.. You don't really want to be "rid" of your marriage right?  

You never know. Your wife may be reading sexual how-to manuals, right now, secretly!! I journeyed secretly too, because I was too ashamed to let it be known I was on a sexuality quest. 

Your wife may surprise you socks off and be doing the same thing I did!!! Don't give up.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

My wife is really only open to this type of discussion if I bring it up when she is "horny" or had a few drinks. Outside of that, I dont get directly accused of being "icky" or a "pervert", but sometimes seems that she is thinking it


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


I don't have a wife anymore since she fired me from that job a few years back. Sooooo I dated several women and ended up dating the one I am with now for 3 1/2 years. Bottom line is I have always felt like I am a freak because my ex would never share anything with me-- nothing. I told her of my things that flipped my switches and nothing from her. I hated it and felt so closed out and was in fact. So along comes one steamy night we are into each other physically and spiritually and I picked one of the things that was MY turn on and started whispering in her ear what I planned to do with her and how it would all go down. For one the results were pretty obvious that she shared the exact same things I did sexually that turned her on. Secondly, it was such a weight lifted from my shoulders not to have to worry about someone close to me thinking I was a freak and I guess if I was a freak then she was too so it didn't matter.

She knows EVERYTHING about me sexually and I do her as well. We have told each other of insanely hot times we had sexually before we were together including all the little details the other wanted to know right down to the positions we were in with another and what they were wearing. It doesn't bother me one bit.

Share the details folks-- if they won't well you are missing out on a huge thing in the relationship.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That sounds like my husband actually.


My wife to a tee as well.

With a little defensiveness mixed in. As in the one time a better sex for couples/in marriage book was suggested as reading material, its not all my fault defense right away.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I am more on the kinky side than my wife. With that being said I reserve some of my feelings and thoughts. I've said some things in the past that made her give me the WTF look. So now I am much more reserved around here.

It's all good.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


My wife came to me and began this conversation. She had a bunch of things she wanted to do. She assumed I had a list of my own. She was wrong. I don’t have any fantasies or secret kinks and have never watched porn. I knew her Ex had talked her into some unusual things, but I’d convinced myself those were all his ideas.

I asked her where she was getting all this stuff and she said they were all things she’d done before she’d even met her Ex, and wanted to do again. That level of honesty was very destructive. I don’t look at her the same way anymore. Our frequency has gone way down. I’ve shut down, clammed up, and can’t be honest about what I think. It’s probably best this way.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

MrVanilla said:


> I asked her where she was getting all this stuff and she said they were all things she’d done before she’d even met her Ex, and wanted to do again. That level of honesty was very destructive. I don’t look at her the same way anymore. Our frequency has gone way down. I’ve shut down, clammed up, and can’t be honest about what I think. It’s probably best this way.


Ouch. I'm sure not every guy on TAM will understand your thought process. As someone dealing with RJ, I get it completely.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I can be brutally honest. Today sent him a txt to tell him to get home quick as I needed to get laid. Man was I in a mood today then it dawned on me that I needed sex. It is liberating to be with a man that I can be so open and honest with.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I shared my wildest fantasy with my wife many years ago and I am still being judged for it. I even once gave her some things I had read in PH forum and she looked at me and said your are crazy. So no I dont share too much of my fantasys. I know her limits and will go to her limit but will not cross those lines. 

I went to a boys boarding school not a good place to learn about sexuality. I am probably a little more kinky than most men. LOL


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

hartvalve said:


> jb.. You don't really want to be "rid" of your marriage right?
> 
> You never know. Your wife may be reading sexual how-to manuals, right now, secretly!! I journeyed secretly too, because I was too ashamed to let it be known I was on a sexuality quest.
> 
> Your wife may surprise you socks off and be doing the same thing I did!!! Don't give up.


Gosh do I hope you're right!! I keep having hope that maybe one day things will finally work out for us and we will be a sexual couple again.  My concern is that she has always been so asexual and never initiates or talks about sex. I really think I deserve better than that.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Sexually, I think the longer we are together...the better it gets...because we grow more comfortable in asking.


This is essentially it for us as well....in particular the last 4 yrs we've grown a lot closer simply because we've both opened up about fantasies. I think it's important how you respond when your significant other opens up....I know H was really surprised at how receptive I was at trying some new kinks, and it made him more relaxed and open with me...which has just improved our overall relationship 1000%.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> Ouch. I'm sure not every guy on TAM will understand your thought process. As someone dealing with RJ, I get it completely.


I'm betting I'd feel the same way if DH said those things to me.I love honesty but in this case I'd rather have him lie to me and say he heard about it on the internet or naughty satellite radio channel or overheard his raunchy coworkers discussing it and got curious.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Thunder7 said:


> Ouch. I'm sure not every guy on TAM will understand your thought process. As someone dealing with RJ, I get it completely.


If that was my wife I'd be so happy I wouldn't know what to do! Just the idea that she even thought to seconds about sex would be too difficult to imagine.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Gosh do I hope you're right!! I keep having hope that maybe one day things will finally work out for us and we will be a sexual couple again. My concern is that she has always been so asexual and never initiates or talks about sex. I really think I deserve better than that.


jb, you DO deserve better, and I hope you can find a way to achieve that in your marriage. If not - as was true in my case - may your _next_ relationship be truly fulfilling (mine is!).


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Thunder7 said:


> Ouch. I'm sure not every guy on TAM will understand your thought process. As someone dealing with RJ, I get it completely.


Yeah...I've never asked H if he has ever done "this" or "this" with anyone else, and vice versa...thankfully we've both been on the same page when it comes to this. We know we've each had other partners, and leave it at that


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Holland said:


> I can be brutally honest. Today sent him a txt to tell him to get home quick as I needed to get laid. Man was I in a mood today then it dawned on me that I needed sex. It is liberating to be with a man that I can be so open and honest with.


THAT would be an awesome text to get! But, just don't say you'd really like to do something sexually that you did many years before with some other dude. Not saying you would. It's just my mindset after my last comment.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


My husband Knows everything about me, what i like, what fantasies i have, what i do not like. He knows i enjoy a bit of porn, I know he likes a bit of porn.

I know what sort of porn he likes. To be honest i prefer it if my husband tells me what sort of things he likes, I like to know what sort of things turn him on, so i know i am doing my job properly.... He knows what kind of things i like so he can also satisfy me.

The third person bit would never happen for us, its not for us, there are only 2 people in our marriage.

I believe tho that honesty is the best way to go.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> THAT would be an awesome text to get! But, just don't say you'd really like to do something sexually that you did many years before with some other dude. Not saying you would. It's just my mindset after my last comment.


I understand that line Thunder and would not cross it. We do have general discussions about our pasts but no details as such. We are both from past marriages that were sexless (for different reasons) and are thriving in a relationship together being perfectly, sexually matched. I would not risk that or do anything to hurt him.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I just had a conversation with my wife saying we need to increase our communication.

She ended up feeling guilty (which was not my intention).


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

In my marriage, I have done all the sharing when it comes to discussing sex. She does not look at me like a pervert, but she doesn't reciprocate or respond accordingly either. She is sexually repressed and has virtually no ability to exoress herself, sexually or otherwise. So, I quit bringing up sex long ago. As far as fantasies are concerned, sharing would be counterproductive as none of them involve her. Some men marry out of obligation, duty, or simply circumstance. Some men marry for love and because they really want to be married and make a life together. I am the latter. As such, my wife was my ultimate fantasy before marriage. After getting married and being largely sexless, my fantasies invariably changed to involve others. If she does not like that I fantisize about other women, that is her fault. That said, I don't make it a point to share that with her or rub it in her face. She once asked how I cope, and I responded that I had no choice but to take things into my own hands, so to speak. She then asked if I thought if her while doing so, to which I replied "you don't want the answer to that". To one of the prior poster's point, sometimes sharing fantasies does more damage than good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Rugby said:


> She once asked how I cope, and I responded that I had no choice but to take things into my own hands, so to speak. She then asked if I thought if her while doing so, to which I replied "you don't want the answer to that". To one of the prior poster's point, sometimes sharing fantasies does more damage than good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's too bad she didn't see that not giving you a reason to "cope" is really the solution. I'd like to think most men would prefer real sex with their wives vs. fantasies of other women while masturbating.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I would never dream of telling my wife my fantasies. I was called a sexual deviant for wanting sex a few times a week. For now the desires remain inside.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> I'd like to think most men would prefer real sex with their wives vs. fantasies of other women while masturbating.


:iagree: Good point Daffodilly...and very true!


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

I came to TAM to learn how to open up to my wife regarding our intimate life. I did find advice and support here that helped me do so. 

What I learned after I shared with her where I was at, however, is we need to work on other things first right now. She has been under stress for several years. I went through three years of major depression in the same period, and was emotionally blunted and impaired, had great difficulty solving problems and getting out of my own pain and lassitude. 

I am working every day now on helping her reconnect with me again in general, and become open again to really sharing with me how she is really feeling day to day. 

We'll get to the rest in due course.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

My wife knows mine. I have no clue about hers or even if she has any. I've tried to get her to open up, not gonna happen. Vanilla is bland and boring


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

daffodilly said:


> It's too bad she didn't see that not giving you a reason to "cope" is really the solution. I'd like to think most men would prefer real sex with their wives vs. fantasies of other women while masturbating.


My preference is to have the real thing, but she is not always amenable to that. Hence the need to take things into my own hands. Her lack of enthusiasm, initiative, or regard for sex in general are what lead me to think of others. I assure you that I don't view what I do as either a first option or an ideal situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

QuietSoul said:


> *Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> Do you think there is a level honesty that can ne destructive?*


Because of the underlying trust and emotional /physical foundation I have with my husband & he has with me.. . No, I do not feel any level of openness & honesty here could hurt us.. we know what we mean to each other...we've been through everything together & couldn't see it any other way.

Many times after we make love, I'll tell him "where we were" ... on the beach, some played out scenario in my head while we're going at it...he loves that ... he calls me his "dirty old woman"- I tell him I love him being a "dirty old man"...heck I'd never change that.. when that goes.. so will a trip to get his Testosterone checked... He know what I like, what turns my head, I know what turns his...

We watch porn together and save every orgasm for each other.. I realize this not the norm.. but it's our way... 

IN the past, because we DIDN'T open up about masturbation & things like this..going there sharing our deepest fantasies, trying new things... we missed each other in some ways.. this opening of ourselves like THIS has been a tremendous blessing to our marriage... it has revived our passion even... 

We flirt more, we laugh more...and we have more sex !









I once rented a DVD on Fantasies... they are very healthy.. having them and experiencing them , however, are 2 separate things...nothing wrong with a 3 some fantasy...but in real life.. NO!!.. but those who have them -generally have a more thrilling sex life.. so the experts say !


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife and I do share our thoughts and fantasies with one another and we have enjoyed the benefits of that level of communication.

It has opened up some new things for us but it took a number of years to get here. My W is a very cautious person by nature. I laugh about it now but it took my W almost 15 years into our marriage before we talked about our sexual fantasies. As it turns out, we are both a bit kinky, although fairly tame compared to the hardcore kinksters out there.

It's not that we never talked about sex prior to that because we did, we just didn't talk specifically about fantasies and what really turned us on. 

I commonly joke with my W about how long we need to be married before she tells me about her family fortune that we could inherit. Obviously, there is no such thing but it does get her to smile.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

My wife tried to get me to open up during our first year of marriage, but I was too repressed. By the time I started to open up, I had already hurt her quite a bit through insensitivity, laziness, and childish behavior. She was on her guard and not receptive. She felt what I was expressing was only because of porn. By this point, I would say she knows too much and she doesn't like what she knows.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


In a vault  some fantasies are just that fantasies never to be acted on.

Do I want to bang to 20 something coeds? Do I want to asian girls? I want alot of things, but they all require adding people to the marriage.

While my wife is angelic she is not without desire. Back in the day she used to say how she would dream of being taken by 3-4 guys ravaging her.

Happily married for a long time no reason to talk about crazy stuff like that.

Toys, role play, experimenting with her is fine


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## iowagal (Dec 31, 2010)

My BF is an extremely shy man outside of the bedroom, but he has no hang ups what so ever in talking about sex with me. I, on the other hand, am very outgoing, but shy about expressing what I want. Because he has consistently been open and gentle about what he wants, (by this I mean he asks me if I like the word **** or **** better, am I making you uncomfortable? is this ok? etc.) It makes me feel more relaxed and confident and it is getting easier. He tells me he loves that I am sexually open to what he wants, and I am, even if the first time it feels weird, He is gentle but persistent. I know what he likes, and make sure that I do those things, and I enjoy them as well, since those things make me feel sexually empowered. He loves BJs and although it is not my first want, I do enjoy hearing him say it is the best ever, and he tells me that outside the bedroom as well as in. 
My advise would be to complement her on anything she does that you like don't be afraid to gently tell her during the act, "oh yeah baby right there". I have to say that yesterday, during the day, he told me 2 things he was planning on doing, things I like and asked me which one I wanted first. I was too shy to say, but he kept up, in a joking and non threatening way, and I told him, but when it came right down to it, I changed my mind. He delightfully told me he knew I was going to change my mind.... He uses words, all day as foreplay, and I makes me want him all the more, I should tell you that we are older, 55 and 61, and this shyness problem isn't limited to younger folks, but now I have many less fears.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you think there is a level honesty that can be destructive?


Yes I suppose that sometimes it can be -depending on how well the two people are matched. 

LD's are generally not interested in hearing anything that does not confirm their attitudes. Although there are some exceptions that post here.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


Short of telling my husband every single guy that walks by who I think is hot....we are entirely transparent. He knows what I like and how I like it and how fast or slow and where I'd like to do it (where we haven't yet, haha!), fantasies I'd like to fulfill...

We check out women together, being that I am bisexual. And we have an agreement in place that is very fun from time to time. 

My husband and I have always been unconventional. Most of our friends don't "get" us and how we can be so open with each other yet not feel threatened or jealous. 

We've seen way too many cases of infidelity to count, and as such the open and honest communication has always been incredibly successful for us .


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


So I have started to take heed to something I once heard, "You don't have to share everything." I use to believe you share everything. Now, I don't know. I don't really have fantasies. I just want to do anal. He cringes at the thought of poo. Haha! Lawdy:rofl:


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I think on a certain level people are incompatible sexually because of different desires. Too bad this kind of stuff usually doesn't come out till much later in a relationship. As someone who has been in a relationship where his fantasies were brushed aside it can be extremely frustrating. In some cases the actual act doesn't live up to the build up in ones mind, but how will you ever know if your spouse cuts you off. Its even worse if your spouse see's your fantasy as a perversion because it basically cuts down the lines of communication. Everyone has their own level of what is perverted and what sounds like fun. In my case I'm rather tame in my desires and my current relationship is much better in that regard. 

Personally I think if you love someone you should be open to anything that isn't just plain sick. The problem is what one person sees as sick another may not. For instance anal.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I'm not completely forthcoming with my wife because we are not on the same page sexually. There are a world of things I would like to do and try, but I've been called a "pervert" for merely bringing up experimenting with new things. If I want sex two consecutive days, I usually hear, "Again?!? You just got it yesterday."

My sex life is actually pretty decent as it stands, and probably great by other standards, but I want more and a little variety would go a long way. Additionally, it would be great if she was more receptive and into trying new things. As it stands, I wouldn't dare tell my wife about my deepest fantasies because I don't want to be judged.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

Yeah, not completely honest here with what I think about. I often think about other women, and I try really hard not to, but it often goes there. I know there are some underlying issues there that cause that, but it's not from looking at porn or talking to other women, because I don't.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

MYM1430 said:


> My wife tried to get me to open up during our first year of marriage, but I was too repressed. By the time I started to open up, I had already hurt her quite a bit through insensitivity, laziness, and childish behavior. She was on her guard and not receptive. She felt what I was expressing was only because of porn. By this point, I would say she knows too much and she doesn't like what she knows.


I'm afraid like I said earlyier....if you are both on the same page sexually then anything goes. If you aren't keep things to yourself other wise you are in the poo poo!


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

As far as I know, we tell each other pretty much everything.

My SO is far from vanilla, but I've never considered him a freak for it like it seems a lot of LD spouses do... Just saw it as differing interests. I'd rather have it all out on the table so we can come to compromises on fantasies and desires rather than have him bottle it up.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?


Never, not even close. My wife has an unhealthy view on sex and considers any thought outside of vanilla to be a symptom of "sexual addiction"--according to the counselor she is paying $80/hr to see. I have tons of fantasies that I would love to share with her but I no longer feel safe so they stay locked up. Maybe my next spouse.



QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?


 No to the porn, and I would love to get into some mild kink with her but would never feel safe talking to my wife about them. I would not want to bring in a 3rd person but could respectfully listen to my wife's fantasy if she did.



QuietSoul said:


> Do you think there is a level honesty that can ne destructive?


I think it becomes destructive when the fantasy violates the other spouse's hard boundary and the first spouse requires it to feel satisfied. It's one thing to say "hey, I had this thought, what do you think?" and another to say "I am not going to feel loved until you do something you don't feel comfortable with"

That said, I think there is a very generous area of no-man's-land that spouses need to recognize. There are things that one spouse desires that the other finds repulsive. There are things to compromise one for the other and there are also hard boundaries.

A relationship is bringing together 2 different people in all areas, including sexuality. If we were all the same we wouldn't need a second person.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I tell my wife essentially nothing now because we don't have a sexual relationship so the topic never comes up. Besides I wouldn't tell her something unless I thought there was at least some chance she might be into it.

But even when we did have a sex life together, I didn't necessarily volunteer my fantasies but there wasn't much that we didn't already have in common. 


In general I think I can handle the "what" of my partner's sexual fantasies no matter how imaginative, unique or downright dirty but I don't always want to know the "who."


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

My wife knows everything about me even my masturbation habits.


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## wetline7296 (May 12, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> Do you tell them every sexual fantasy, thought, idea, attraction you have? Or do you keep it all in the vault? If so, why, and if not, why not?
> 
> Do you tell your spouse about say the kind of porn you watch, or do they know you look at porn at all? Would you tell them you are into some mild kink, eg, spanking? Would you tell them if you wanted to bring in a third person?
> 
> ...


I do not tell my wife every sexual fantasy, thought, idea or attraction I have. I have told her some of the things I think about and even less about my fantasies. I don't tell her because she is insecure about appearance, body type and sexuality. She does not know about the kind of porn I watch but, she has "caught" me watching porn. I would like to tell her about all of my sexual desires but, the impression I get from her is, sex is something to do when she can't take not doing it. If I do not "push" the issue we would have sex maybe once every other month.
I have no desire to be with another women. I know exactly what my wife looks like naked and I desire her every day. 
The next time you are having sex, think about the moment you must have penetration or clitoral stimulation. For me, I feel like that most of the day. When I am next to my wife in the morning or night, that is the hardest time for me (no pun intended).
When I have alone time, I use porn to speed things up. The type differs and varies. When I am done, I don't think about it again.
It is unrealistic to expect my wife to have sex three to four times a day. It is unrealistic for my wife to expect me to walk around with an erection and very sore testicles most of the time.
The one sexual fantasy I think about often is, after she went to sleep, I went into the living room and I started to masturbate to porn. She woke up and realized I was not in the room. She came out and "caught me." She knelled down in front of me and gave me the best oral I have had in a long time. I watched her pleasing me and I came in about two minutes. When she finished on me she smiled and gave me the wettest kiss and shared a mouth full. Hottest night In a long time.
There can be a level of honesty that can hurt a marriage. My wife does not talk about that night but, I wish she would.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I tell dh everything. I do not protect him in any way. 

If he could not handle hearing everything, just as raw as I am feeling it, he would not be the guy for me. 

I am intense. If I felt I had to protect his feelings in some way, I don't think I would feel attracted to him. For me to feel attracted in a serious, meaningful LTR way, I have to feel safe. And I could not feel safe and fully able to be myself if I were worrying about whether or not he could handle something.

For me, the emotional is just hugely connected to the sexual.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Not anymore. Im a pervert I guss according to him,


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I tried to share with my wife and a few times she freaked out on me and began to judge me for my desires. It quickly changed our relationship and I am no longer comfortable sharing my kinky fantasies.

I know share what I know she is comfortable handling. I dont have one of those marriages that you can share anything with the other and I have learned to accept that.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Coldie said:


> My wife knows everything about me even my masturbation habits.


:iagree:

This is us also. It is a very freeing feeling.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why don't you talk about it Wet? Why is the burden on her?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe because his wife acted out of her normal sexual "box" and she feels embarrassed? I personally think that she did the right thing and blew him away...no pun intended.....she satisfied him in a very deep way..


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So he can't talk because she is embarrassed? This is an opportunity for him to show her understanding *and* gratitude.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> I can be brutally honest. Today sent him a txt to tell him to get home quick as I needed to get laid. Man was I in a mood today then it dawned on me that I needed sex. It is liberating to be with a man that I can be so open and honest with.


Damn, can I give you my phone #? LOL.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> I tell my wife essentially nothing now because we don't have a sexual relationship so the topic never comes up. Besides I wouldn't tell her something unless I thought there was at least some chance she might be into it.
> 
> But even when we did have a sex life together, I didn't necessarily volunteer my fantasies but there wasn't much that we didn't already have in common.
> 
> ...


Same here. When the wife is asexual, if you have sex more than once a year, then you're sexual freaks and need to cool it off.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Wow..... ok so I didn't read every post on all of the pages but I've got to say that the husbands out there who have sexually confident wives like many women who've replied to this thread seem to be, are very lucky men indeed!!! Those lucky buggers 

Well I don't think that my wife has any sexual fantasies... for many years since the start I've always urged her to be comfortable with me and I would be with her so that we can grow together and explore our fantasies.
I just don't think that she has any... I'm a regular guy and don't have any odd fantasies either... but at least if I want to do something then I will speak with her about it... my wife never says that she wants anything... it must be very cool to have a relationship where the female partner hungers after the male and wants them.... sure my wife is wonderful to make love to or maybe with... but since the start which is 16 years now I have always been the instigator..... I don't think it will ever change, a woman at least from my perspective, with a high sex drive is a rare and wonderful thing.

Lastly, I feel sorry for the guys whose wifes don't go down on them... it's all part of making love with the person that your love... nothing dirty!! I have a neighbour that suffers the same, he blames it on his partners feminist mother (and of course theres no father) which is probably accurate.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

I strongly believe that it's reasons like what ChargingCharlie and Lionel are talking about, that the majority of men visit escorts to satisfy there needs because their partners aren't willing to.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

+Charlie+ said:


> Lastly, I feel sorry for the guys whose wifes don't go down on them... it's all part of making love with the person that your love... nothing dirty!! I have a neighbour that suffers the same, he blames it on his partners feminist mother (and of course theres no father) which is probably accurate.


Feminism isn't why men don't get blown!

When I met my wife almost 18 years ago she was a prominent member of a politically active feminist collective. Today even though she still identifies as a feminist we enjoy (as always), a smorgasbord of sexual delights.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Personal said:


> Feminism isn't why men don't get blown!


:rofl::rofl:


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Personal said:


> a smorgasbord of sexual delights.


:rofl: :smthumbup: ohhhh a smorgasbord of sexual delights... well put.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

+Charlie+ said:


> I strongly believe that it's reasons like what ChargingCharlie and Lionel are talking about, that the majority of men visit escorts to satisfy there needs because their partners aren't willing to.


I assume you mean the majority of men who visit escorts since I don't think it is true that the majority of men visit escorts.

I think there was already a thread about this, but as I recall demographic of typical customer depends very much on the nature of the sex worker. The clients of street walkers were more likely to be unmarried whereas the clients of massage or "incall" escorts were more likely to be married. Of the married clients the most common explanation was either a lack of sex or the exploration of a particular fantasy.


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## Heavywithahammer (Feb 1, 2014)

when my wife said that she was not into the butt plug that I bought her I said I would love to try it. She smiled. I knew she was the right gal!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

+Charlie+ said:


> Wow..... ok so I didn't read every post on all of the pages but I've got to say that the husbands out there who have sexually confident wives like many women who've replied to this thread seem to be, are very lucky men indeed!!! Those lucky buggers


Yup, it's awesome 



+Charlie+ said:


> Well I don't think that my wife has any sexual fantasies... for many years since the start I've always urged her to be comfortable with me and I would be with her so that we can grow together and explore our fantasies.


I have yet to find a woman that doesn't.



+Charlie+ said:


> I just don't think that she has any... I'm a regular guy and don't have any odd fantasies either... but at least if I want to do something then I will speak with her about it... my wife never says that she wants anything...


Are you sure you don't have any "odd" fantasies? Are you sure you've explored the depths and breadths of your sexual appetites?

What turned you on as a kid?

If you were to direct a porn movie starring you and your wife what would it be?

If you were to write erotica, what would it be about?

I'm wondering if she is a bit repressed perhaps -- and I don't know you -- because you are?



+Charlie+ said:


> it must be very cool to have a relationship where the female partner hungers after the male and wants them.... sure my wife is wonderful to make love to or maybe with... but since the start which is 16 years now I have always been the instigator..... I don't think it will ever change, a woman at least from my perspective, with a high sex drive is a rare and wonderful thing.


Call me a man-****, but I've bedded more than a few "frigid" women who turned out to be gonzo in the sack... one in fact just came out of a LTR where she wouldn't do oral of any kind, or have sex with the lights on, or anything wild... he would complain about it all the time. They had sex maybe 1-2 times in the year before they split.

Inside a weekend I had explored every nook, cranny, and orifice of her body and had the pictures to prove it.

I think it was because I learned at an early age to own my sexuality and not be ashamed to talk about my fantasies or push boundaries or speak up for what I want.



+Charlie+ said:


> Lastly, I feel sorry for the guys whose wifes don't go down on them... it's all part of making love with the person that your love... nothing dirty!! I have a neighbour that suffers the same, he blames it on his partners feminist mother (and of course theres no father) which is probably accurate.


In my experience when your woman will no longer go down on you this is red flag #1 that she's not that attracted to you any more.

Validated by more than a few girlfriends and two wives.

Hell, I can tell what the scale is going to say without getting on it... by thinking about how long it's been before my wife has gone down on me.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

I think due to what happened with her before I was on the scene, has caused her to be repressed, sadly.

Me on the other hand, I doubt it very much. I'm open to try anything that my wife suggests... though I wouldn't wait for long as I know she wouldn't suggest anything.. been there done that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The point +Charlie+ is that most women won't "suggest" anything until they're already in a place where this "suggesting" is part of the context in the relationship.

You're the man. You are pretty much expected to initiate and suggest things most of the time.

Don't be passive.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Don't get me wrong mard... I can and have suggested (in the nicest possible way) but rarely get what I want... I'm just another one of those "sick" men.... haha.. I'm defo not passive. Just accepting of the fact that people can't always have what they want from a relationship...Compromise is important.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

but there seems to be alot of guys on here that enjoy a wide variety of sexual fun with their partners.. and sadly for some there are alot of guys that don't enjoy as many different things as they'd like to.

Thankfully I'm somewhere in the middle or maybe leaning towards the wider variety....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

+Charlie+ said:


> Don't get me wrong mard... I can and have suggested (in the nicest possible way) but rarely get what I want... I'm just another one of those "sick" men.... haha.. I'm defo not passive. Just accepting of the fact that people can't always have what they want from a relationship...Compromise is important.


Try ditching the "nicest possible way" part.

I'm not saying not to be respectful.

But a little directness delivered with confidence can be like chocolate to women.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

yep, doesn't work.... I meant nice and respectful... im not that type of soft afeminate guy.. ive been very direct but it doesn't get me what i want... some women just don't like anal!!


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## boomstick_nj (Apr 22, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't tell him every fantasy.Some things in my head are just meant for me to know. I tell him most things though. If I wanted to bring in a third person,which I don't,I would tell him. He knows I look at sexy pictures online and he knows what I'm into...he doesn't like that I do it but he's more accepting now.
> 
> Any mild kinks I've shared with him seem to be received well unless it involves him being dominant somehow. He'll shut me down immediately "yeah I'm not that guy.I'm not into that at all." Then he gets depressed "When you express those things it worries me that I'm not what you need."
> ugh.
> ...


Have you tried slapping him? If you *really* want to push the issue, hypothetically:

SB: "I want you to flip me over and [take] me hard."
Mr SB: "I'm not that guy."
SB: [slap]
Mr SB: "Ow, hey!"
SB: [slap] "Are you going to [take] me?"
Mr SB: "Stop that!"
SB: [slap] "Make me."
Mr SB: "Do that one more time and I'll ..."
SB: "You'll what? You'll [take] me hard and make it hurt?"
Mr SB: ...
SB:[slap]
Mr SB: [****s her hard and makes it fun]

All guys are, at some level, "that guy." But for nice guys, it helps to know that the reason you want that kind of treatment is that you know that he loves you, and you feel free with him to explore and do things that you would never do otherwise.

Just make sure that after, you let him know that it was amazing, and that you love him for it, and that you don't mind that he pulled your hair and slapped your ass and called you all sorts of nasty words.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't need it that way bad enough to slap him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

hahaha a little slap never hurt anyone.. slap his face, slap his arse, slap his face again and so on... a little slap not necessarily on the face, is a turn on... ok just keep slapping his arse then perhaps forget the face... make it hurt though and he'll have to "stop" you.. lol 

Enjoy


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

boomstick_nj said:


> Have you tried slapping him? If you *really* want to push the issue, hypothetically:
> 
> SB: "I want you to flip me over and [take] me hard."
> Mr SB: "I'm not that guy."
> ...


*sound of door opening & closing*

*motor starts, car drives away*

I'd walk away, and she knows it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

After I read the suggestion to slap him,he walked in from taking the dogs out and I just cracked up laughing. The thought of striking him is so ridiculous


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I wouldn't slap my H , it would feel degrading. Even if he wanted it, I would feel uneasy, but would try to stay open to it.

We are fairly straight but not repressed. Well, maybe my H a little, he seems a bit too eager to attribute his sexual interests to his sex addiction. He has been in recovery for 20 years. I wish he would relax just a little and I wish he would let me in and tell me what he really wants. 

once, we were really into it and I swore because I was enjoying it. I wasn't trying to talk dirty and I don't.usually swear but my H was a bit shocked. Another time, we did it a few nites in a row, and the next day I felt horny all day, even at work, and I told him and he was a bit disturbed. 

I thought I understood men, but sometimes they are harder to understand than women!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

There's nothing wrong with your swearing a bit in the heat of the moment (although my wife doesn't) I guess it shows you losing control a bit which is a good thing I think.. and if he's disturbed by you feeling horny then he has the problem not you... why shouldn't you??

My question is why did you think he had a sex addiction?

Slapping your husband in a playful way (not on the face though) is not degrading... unless he's a really macho guy.. in which case tell him to leave his club and bear skin at the door when he enters!!

He can still be macho, and let you have your little bit of dominance over him.


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## boomstick_nj (Apr 22, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> After I read the suggestion to slap him,he walked in from taking the dogs out and I just cracked up laughing. The thought of striking him is so ridiculous


In my defense, I didn't mean "try to knock his fillings out". Just wake him up a bit. Smile when you do it.

You can also exchange "dirtiest fantasy fulfillment". Tell him you want to be done hard, just to see what it's like, and you won't ask for it again if he really doesn't enjoy it. Make sure you're vocal about your enjoyment during, reassure him after that you mostly want the sweet loving nookie he's been giving you, and that you've never had it like that before, and suggest that if he didn't hate it he should do that again ONCE IN A WHILE when he feels like surprising you.

You can also perform "escalatio" on him, getting him to be increasingly more dominant. Reverse cowgirl -- slow down like you're getting there right when he's starting to get going, he'll HAVE to grab your hips and start bouncing you. Or when you're giving him a hummer "accidentally" pull him out of your mouth as you're about to finish him off. Get him to be a dirty bastard in spite of himself.

At some level, all guys are *that guy*, or are curious about what it's like being *that guy* without the downside/disease/jailtime. We don't like thinking that we married bad girls... but we do like thinking that we make our "good girl" wife want to do really bad things with us. The "I would never want this from a guy who didn't love me with all his heart" aspect is important.

Or maybe that's just me.


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