# Don't Want To Do This - Very Sad



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I confirmed what I figured was the truth, he is with an OW, and it has been going on for a while (months). He told me he doesn't want a divorce but he obviously doesn't want me either. He is losing his children and that is bothering him. He said he wants to end it with her, but unfortuantely he is still there.

Today I have to go and seperate our finances, talk to lawyers and it is something more permanent that I want to do. I'm so sad.

I asked him if he loved her and he wouldn't answer me, so I am assuming that means he does.

I am just so very sad, I'm not even angry and I don't know why I'm not feeling anger, just sadness, maybe that will come, maybe not.

I have gotten very good advice from lots of people since this whole mess started and I really am questioning why I still hold out hope.

I just don't know.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I'm so sorry, Clinging.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How'd you find out? If she is married, you need to tell her husband/partner. Today.

My advice is to start thinking practically and take action quickly. Do not wait for him to decide anything. File some paperwork and get the ball rolling. Do not be his shoulder to cry on or offer him any support (emotional or otherwise) while he has left you and your children.

The sooner you do this, the better.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You love him for some reason.

But anger will come with time and the reality he is going to face.

Just don't get Hung up on the L word. He doesn't know what love truly looks like. He chases the high of new love. That is infatuation. Immature. Unestablished. 

You are someone who knows what love is. But now it is time for you to require getting that kind of your love for yourself.

We will be here with you through the process. A lot of people have been through the heartache of divorce. Try not to be too nice or too fair. You are the injured party. Only in divorce is there little pay back for pain and suffering. That is why you must fight for it.

Remember, he left his children so don't buy anything he says there, either. He had choices and he took her. Use your acctg knowledge to tear through the business books and protect your interests, and those of your children. Men who cheat are also capable of financial fraud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

JB

I finally texted him last night and asked as today I need to seperate our lives and I wanted one more kick at the can.

I just asked him if he would leave her for me and he texted back yes. i asked when and he said today. He is still there and said he is coming home today just not sure where home is, she lives about 10 hrs away so will arrive back in our city, I hope.

Nothing can be resolved as long as he stays with her. I don't know anything about her, I would assume she isn't married but I don't know. At least when he stays with her he has a place to stay, when he arrives in our city, he has no where to stay as his family has kicked him to the curb. I guess he could stay at one of his offices but there is no shower so I'm not sure what or where he is going to go. I'm sure he will figure something out. I haven't heard anything further from him. I sent him a settlement offer and he said yes he would agree to that. He will need to sign papers but I'm not sure how or when he will do that, I'm not sure I want to see him.

I'm not sure if counselling can fix him and yes i have been done this road before so maybe that is why I feel numb. My husband is so predicitable and I think I am the same way, he always knows I am waiting or will wait.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And make no agreement.t now that cannot be negotiated formally. Temporary is the word of the day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

You probably feel sad because you still love him, understandable. The anger may never come, at least it hasn't for me. The sadness seems to fade gradually over time, it has for me. 

I promise you, he doesn't love her, it's merely lust. Reality, for him, will soon set in and your thoughts on the possibility of taking him back might dwindle, but you will become so much stronger after this is over.

Clinging, you're doing all the right things and feeling all the right feelings; you just don't realize it yet. Keep your head held sky high where it belongs and walk tall knowing that the right choice will come soon...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Now is not the time to be weak or a doormat.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clinging said:


> My husband is so predicitable and I think I am the same way, *he always knows I am waiting or will wait*.


Then change that. Flip the game on him. Don't be waiting for him when/if he gets bck. Tell him you won't live in a open marriage. It's non-negotiable.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

After the discovery, the only anger I had was at myself. For being so nieve, ignoring all the signs and believing she would never do that TO ME! But that anger didn't last long at all.

I felt anger would get me nowhere and that it was time to take a stand for both myself and for my children in this difficult time, time of crisis. It is a time to be strong and prepare to move on without your significant other. The only communication with them should be about business, nothing more.

Which is really ironic because I have been a hot head most of my life and never taken any BS from anyone. I wouldn't start it but I never had any problems finishing it, if you know what I mean. 

But when I discovered my wife's affair, I acted totally opposite then anyone or even myself would have thought. And it wasn't because I made myself 'behave', it was as if I had become a different person. I went into a "survival mode." It was weird and I only acted upon my instincts. Nothing was purposeful, it just felt right. 

It worked. I have my wife back and my family is in tact, but like I read somewhere else on here, I live it day by day, month by month. I know that there can be a life without her and that I can handle it if there ever is a need to. But at this tim e I choose to stay and share this life with her.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

It is hard not to crumble and become weak when someone you love puts a knife in your heart and twisrs it. you have always believed in them, so the reflexive action is to feel on some level, that you deserved it. this is where talking to people who support you and maybe ic come in handy. we are here to remind you it isn't your fault. you did your best and anyone with half a brain would love someone like you.

clingings h has a moral and personality defect. he is the loser and even he knows it. those defects allow him to harm loved ones. he doesn't deserve your love, he knows it, yet you love him anyway. that makes you undesirable and unespectable. Is that a word? 

regardless, if you don't stand up to him you show him you don't believe in yourself, your value and your ability to take responsibility for your own happiness. you put it on him when he is incapable of taking care of his own.

show him and set an example for your children. be strong. read AD's posts, all of them, again. see that it can be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Clip clop

I agree with everything you say except the part that it makes me undesirable and unacceptable. I think I just love too much and I am going to be strong. i have started the process but I am very sad about doing it. The end is nearer than I want it to be.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

To him. 

I doubt he believes that anyone who loves him that much is worthy of respect. And that is one of the prereqs for a good marriage.

You are going to get through this. You are more wonderful than you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

So I got some forms that need to be signed to transfer assets/shares etc. Problem is they need to signed by a commissior or notary before they can be filed. That would mean I would have to see him and we would have to sign together or he could take them and sign and then I could do it later. I don't really want anything to do with him right now in person.

I still very much want to talk to him, ask questions about this OW, time frame, is this where you were when etc. but what is the use.

He told his children today that he ended it but I doubt that, I believe he is still with her, with text and cell phone you never know anyway. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing.

I hate that he has hurt his children, broken up our family. I do feel that somewhere deep down inside of him he does realize th e pain he is causing but I just don't think he is a strong enough person to end it on his own, she will need to do it. Now if I could only figure out who she is, my daughter would call her. His cell phone is in his name and goes to the company address so I can't check phone #'s so I have no idea who she might be other than I know what city she lives in but that is 10 hrs away.

I have never been one to snoop or go behind peoples back, I think I already know the answers I don't need hard proof. I don't think anyone else knows who she is either, no one at his work - everyone just has his cell phone # and he tells them he is away on business.

I'm still just very sad at how this is unwinding, the little hope I had I think has been taken away from me.

33 years and having to start over at 52. He has been my life I"ve know him since I was 19 years old. that is a long time to get attached to someone.

Just venting sorry.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't bring OW up to him or ask questions about her. SHe is insignificant. He has made his choice.

Don't give him the pleasure of knowing you care. Call him to tell him when you can meet up so he can sign everything. All business. You need to start talking to him like he's a colleague: cordial but all business. ZERO emotions, ZERO talks about anything except the kids and the paperwork.

Do this fast and stick with it.

When he comes at you asking why you're being weird/distant/cold/strange (and he will), tell him you have nothing to say to him as long as he's in an affair and aren't interested in being his friend right now. Re-direct the conversation to the paperwork, etc. Then when he tells you that you're being immature/unfair/ insensitive OR starts acting passive agressive "Fine, if that is what you want" (and he will), tell him "Unless you are calling to talk to me about reconciling our marriage, I have nothing else to say to you." Click. Hang up.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

JB
thanks I will try that as I so desperately want to email him and ask questions or blast him for hurting my children.

I will leave it strictly for business - need to get a few more ducks in a row before I call him so maybe by Thursday - maybe he will be back in town by then but I doubt it.

As for the OW, I would for my own satisfaction what to know her name so I could see if she was on FB and see who replaced me. I assume she is younger than me. Men have a tendancy to go after younger woman than older ones.

I do think she feel she might have found a sugar daddy as he can tell her all sorts of lies, she wouldn't know the difference.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Believe me, I know you want to know everything about the slag but it will do more damage than good. Having a picture in your face can sometimes make it worse. Don't go looking for her. Don't ask him. Just be all business.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Where is he now, clinging? Did he come back or is he still with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I dont know if he is back - he says he is but don't know. haven't seen him just texted so could be texting from anywhere. I don't beleive he is back yet but maybe he is.

I tried to trick him yesterday by asking when he was back in town to sign some papers but he just asked what papers?

I was really down yesterday - had a few email texts with him - he said he was sorry and it was over but won't give up her name or phone number so we can confirm so that leads me to beleive it isn't over. Maybe he is back in town but probably hasn't told her anything so she is left hanging just like me.

I'm doing up the forms for him to sign for tsf of shares/house transfer and sep agreeement so we will see if he signs them.
He did say once I could have anything I wanted but he will never sign these forms. He doesn't want a divorce, doesn't seem to want me and he doesn't like being backed into a corner so we will see what happens. I feel much better today than I did yesterday so that is progress.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well of course it isn't over. That's why he's protecting her.

Stop trying to trick him or asking him for her # to "confirm." There is no use in that.

You need to accept what he's telling you--that it's over and take the appropriate next steps. 

As far as him sayijng you can have everything you want --awesome! Get it in writing because guess waht--waywards usually promise the moon and stars at the beginning of a separation and then change their minds completely once they realize how much they are offering of giving up. It's all part of the Script.

As for him not wanting a divorce--how cute. He wants to keep you on a string while he f-cks someone else, doesn't do MC and won't even be straight with you about what's going on, and abandons you and the kids. What a joke. I would file. he doesn'et have to sign. The judge will do it for him. 

Don't foget--the reason you're even in this position is because he UNILATERALLY DECIDED it. 

I would be done with him.


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