# I'm New



## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Hello everyone,

I joined this forum because I am curious if anyone has had similar experiences with their spouse or partner. I believe my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disoder (NPD). To the public, he appears to be the most agreeable and compliant person on the face of the Earth: he calls everyone ma'am and sir; he will pass up a good parking space, so someone behind us can get it; if a new cashier opens up a register and we have been waiting like everyone else, he lets 2 or 3 other people go ahead of us as they even gawk in confusion. Some may say these acts are gallant, I would too if he demonstrated the same patience and compassion at home - he doesn't.
At home, he is antagonistic, selfish and inconsiderate. For example, if I am watching tv, if he's not interested in the program, he will do something that makes a lot of noise. We have busy lives, we don't get to cook as often as we like. He complains about not having home cooked meals, however, when I make them, he will say he's not in the mood and will get fast food. The next day, no shocker to me, he will come in and complain about how he has eaten badly all week and would love to have a home cooked meal because eating out is not healthy. People always tell me I'm a great cook, so I'm assuming he just wants to be a jerk. 
Sometimes, I go walking. I enjoy the quiet time as well as the opportunity to get a little exercise. Well, my husband asked to go with me recently. I told him I was just walking; I didn't feel like running, so I didn't want to be rushed while I was out there. He agreed, and kissed me. We made it to the park, and at first, he kept up his end of the bargain. Ten minutes in, he starts complaining. He needed to get back home because he had things to do; I wasn't really getting a good work-out, So he thought, by walking; he was bored. You name it; he said it. I was so frustrated, and I let him know. He gave me the silent treatment for a week.
Yet, he gives me foot massages; he touches me and kisses me all the time; he helps me around the house with the cleaning and he can be very complimentary. It's like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde ,playing emotional hokey pokey. I am really confused. Please share your thoughts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sounds more Manic-Depressive to me. Get him to a Psychiatrist. Put him on meds. 

Careful with the meds. There is a lot of trial and error, with dose, type of medication, etc. Until he gets stabilized [may take months] he may get worse until the doctor gets it right.

Do not be surprised if you get a lot of push-back and denial from him. He may refuse to admit he has a problem.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Be careful about diagnosing people. It's very likely that he's just an annoying person and a bit of a control freak.

The bit you describe about giving up good parking places for people and letting people get in line ahead of him in the grocery store. Does he also go out of his way to help people like friends and family? That sounds like typical "Knight in shinning armor" (KISA) behavior. People who do this type of thing are looking for external validation. It makes him fell good... like he's the knight who came to their rescue. He does not do that with you because he already has you. It's a very annoying personality trait, especially since KISAs often mistreat their spouse.

Things like him making noise when you are watching TV. He wants your attention.. like a little boy. 

Not eating what you cook and then complaining about no cooked meals? If your husband wants home cooked meals, why doesn't he cook? He sounds like a spoiled brat.

If I were you I would give him a list of the times you cooked and he refused to eat. Then I would stop cooking for him and tell him why. I was married to a guy who complained about everything I cooked (I'm a good cook). No matter what I made he found great fault with it. At one point I just got tired of the complaints and told him that since he did not like anything I cooked, I would never cook for him again. It was 5 years before I cooked another meal that was offered to him. He never complained about my cooking again.. acutally he made a point of complimenting everything I cooked once I started cooking again.

Before dragging him to a phychiatrist and putting him on dangerous medications, you might want to look at how you are enableing his bad behavior. It sounds like the two of you have a mother/naughty-son relationship. If you change your behavior (like stop cooking for a guy who is acting like a bratty 13 year old about meals) then he will have to change his.

Get the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on making unilateral changes in your environment/marriage and the 180. (not the 180 linked to in my signature block below. Your marriage needs a fine tuning and it's apparently up to you to do it.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Thank you for your response EleGirl. I would agree with most of what you said. My husband is a spoiled brat (he was the only child and his mother's little prince) 
I would agree that he does try to be the KISA. He works very hard at maintaining that image outside of the home. He does go out of his way for friends, especially. I find it interesting that some of the same people he works so diligently to please do not always reciprocate his kindness. He just saids, "Well, I did it because I wanted to." On the other hand, I could ask him to do something for me and it might take him 3 weeks. If I comment on his procrastination, I'm inconsiderate, unsympathetic and annoying. The irony.
I will get the book and read it.


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