# I know this has been asked before...



## BravoFoxtrot (Jan 4, 2010)

But I need honest, up-to-date answers. 

Situation: We have been married less than 6 months. We were college sweethearts, with an intense romance and desire, had a bitter and terrible breakup, were out of touch for years, then reconnected. When we got back in touch, we dated for about a year, got engaged, and were married in July. We both felt like we had finally found our truest, purest loves. 

We lived in different states before we got married, so we visited each other every other weekend. Sex was incredible, although not as often as I would have liked. Still, I had no idea what was to come. 

When we got married, I moved out of state to live with him. Since then, we have sex three times a month if I'm lucky. I feel bad about initiating, since I am frequently turned down. But if I wait for him to initiate, it's way too rare. 

I have no frame of reference for this. In all of my other relationships, this has never been an issue. But now I'm MARRIED, and I totally expected to have sex at LEAST once a week. I really thought it would be more. 

QUESTION: If you have been married 6 months or less, how often do you have sex? That's the most important question. Other secondary questions: How often do you have to initiate it? Are you frequently rebuffed? Does your husband refer to sex often, cuddle with you, touch you provocatively, and then never follow through? 

I am frustrated and confused. I am 30, weigh 112, take excellent care of my skin, and love and respect my husband. What gives?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I would offer that there's really no way to know "what gives," nor is there any way to know what's "normal" for all couples. Lots of people have sex every day or near to it through their marriages and well into their advanced years. Lots of other happily married couples have sex once a month or less. 

I can really only speculate but my guess is that there are loads of uncommunicated messages swirling around in your relationship. What I don't see in your post is what the two of you have done so far to untangle the knot created by whatever feelings, wants, wishes, hopes, desires, disappointments, expectations, considerations, questions, fantasies, and other undelivered communications are present between the two of you.

I suspect that you two really just need to talk. One of the biggest challenges in marriage is that at least in my opinion it requires intense intimacy - not sex, but actual intimate relatedness - which presupposes a tremendous vulnerability on the part of both people in the marriage. It is enormously confronting, confounding, and challenging to open yourself up to a partner this way. 

I think it is a LOT harder for men to be vulnerable and intimate. Their emotions must be on display for someone else to see. Their weaknesses, their fears, their humanity must be on display. From the time they are babies, boys are taught NEVER to display these. And then when we marry them, we have to figure out either how to get this stuff out of them, or figure out how to live with a rock.

I think this is why so many women are shrews, why so many men cheat (and women too), and why so many marriages fail. In the end, it comes down completely and utterly to communication.

Good luck.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

It sounds like you had sex roughly once every other week before you got married, and now you're following the same schedule. You thought the frequency was imposed on you by distance, but maybe that's just the schedule he liked.

Have you ever turned him down for something, especially something that might be a little weird and/or fetish-y? Has he ever said "I wish you would..." and then you didn't? Alternatively, if he hasn't done that, maybe there's something that would really get him going if you tried it out and he knew about it. Maybe you could do some web browsing while he's there and list some activities, and see if anything perks him up.

Mal74 is right that you two should talk about this; your expectations and preferences and the like. But that may not fix everything: it may just be that sex a couple times a month is all he wants or ever wanted.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BravoFoxtrot said:


> We lived in different states before we got married, so we visited each other every other weekend... Since then, we have sex three times a month if I'm lucky.


so the sex hasnt changed from when you lived in separate states. in fact, its increased since you've been married. 

but i understand what you mean. you just assumed it would be more frequently. join the club! this has been THE battle in my relationship from the get-go. 

When I moved with my H the sex stopped. i had dated him for maybe six months before we moved and the sex was fine. but in retrospect i see some of the red flags. ive had some very humiliated moments. my self esteem went down the tubes. its been four years and im just now starting to feel better about myself. not great, but better. 

I thought my H's problem was porn. i found tons of it that he'd been hiding from me. i thought, i'll get that out of the way and he'll want to be with me. well, not so much. its been a year since porn and he's still not really interested in me. he'll initiate maybe once a week, once every other week. I never initiate anymore.

ive asked myself if this is something to leave over. my H is a great provider, educated, sweet, doesnt drink, has never done drugs, doesnt waste money, honestly tries to be a good husband, we have the same views on politics, religion, and child raising, and i think he'll be a good dad. I could leave for sex, and im sure id find it, but in the long run i think everything else i listed above is worth more. i dont think there's any other guy that is as good (for me) as my H. That and ive never in my life known someone that didnt have some serious issue in their marriage.


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