# Forgiving Yourself After You Had An Affair? Is It Self Indulgent Or Selfish?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Forgiving Yourself After You Had An Affair? Is It Self Indulgent Or Selfish?

By: Katie Lersch: People often assume that when a marriage is harmed by an affair, the person who is hurt the worst is the faithful spouse. And while I know firsthand that it is extremely painful when your spouse cheats on you, the spouse who cheated can be deeply hurt as well. They can struggle with intense guilt and feelings of extremely low self worth.

There is sometimes a lot of support for the faithful spouse. It is understandable why the faithful spouse might need support while healing and while trying to move on. But what about the cheating spouse? Should they get this support? Should they be encouraged to forgive themselves and move on?

Not everyone thinks so. I sometimes hear from spouses who have cheated in the past and who want to be able to forgive themselves to that they can move forward, but they are told that this is self centered.

Someone might explain: “It stinks that I even have to say this. But I cheated on my husband. I feel like I’m a felon or something. Like I can never do anything without identifying myself as a horrible person. I know that in many ways I deserve it, but I feel like the description of cheater is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I haven’t really started counseling, but this wonderful woman from my church, who I see as sort of my mentor, told me that I have to forgive myself. She said that I’m not going to be able to be the best wife or the best mother I can be while I’m going through life feeling like a person who doesn’t matter. She said that of course I will need to make things right with my husband, but I also need to make things right with myself. I was telling a friend about this wish to forgive myself. This woman’s husband is my husband’s best friend. She was not very receptive. She said that this idea seems a little selfish. She said that cheating is an awful thing and that I should not even think about forgiving myself until my husband can forgive me. Frankly, I don’t know if my husband will ever forgive me. But when I told my husband about this conversation, he agreed with my friend. He said that self forgiveness for someone who had an affair seems a little self indulgent, considering all of the damage that I’ve done. Is this correct? Should I just give up on the idea of forgiving myself?”

(read the rest here)


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I was able to forgive myself of all my affairs and it was very easy. I did in fact, forgive myself by never having one. In doing so, I did not have to cause intense pain to my W, did not have to deal with the ridicule and scorn from friends and family, did not have to worry about breaking up my family or anyone else's and experienced absolutely zero guilt. I found forgiving myself beforehand much much easier and way less destructive. I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone considering having one.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

"If you are getting resistance from the word “forgiveness” than perhaps it’s best to use different wording like: “trying to get to a better place within myself” or “trying to become the best person I can be for my family.” Sometimes, it’s not what you are trying to do that is objectionable, it is just the word ‘forgiveness’ because people do not really understand what this means." 

I did agree with that to an extent - the WS does in fact have to fix themselves and figure out why shagging someone else was an acceptable way to deal with their problems especially since it destroys the BS. I think in reality lots of WSs simply don't think they have anything they need to forgive themselves about.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As w/ many things, my opinion on the matter lies between the two extremes.

Generally speaking, I've always found forgiving myself to be far more difficult than forgiving others.

Either way, I'd think that, if self-forgiveness comes too easily for a given WS, he or she probably didn't feel too badly about his or her transgressions to begin with.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

For me, it all hinges on intentionality. 

Is your intention to seek forgiveness so you feel better?

Or so you can be better?

Guilt is only a useful emotion if it inspires positive change. Which is really the uncomfortable bit, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Its just my perception but it often seems the person forgiving themselves and feeling the pressing need to tell everyone they have forgiven themselves is usually the person who really hasn't dealt with the internal demons, they are just trying to avoid instead of real introspective. 

Forgiveness is a very person thing and it has different meanings and perceptions to each person. Our society preaches to forgive right away and we all should work towards forgiveness. It takes work to get there, too often it's the first thing people do to avoid the work.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I actually don't believe in the ability to forgive yourself. That is a power that belongs in the hands of the betrayed.

I do believe in becoming a better person. 

I believe self loathing and hatred can be very healthy responses to being a disgusting human being as well as a great catalyst to enact change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

marduk said:


> For me, it all hinges on intentionality.
> 
> Is your intention to seek forgiveness so you feel better?
> 
> ...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> For me, it all hinges on intentionality.
> 
> Is your intention to seek forgiveness so you feel better?
> 
> ...


Well said, sir.

Hi @EI !!! Hope you, B1, and your horde of kids and grandkids are all doing well!


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think it is ok to forgive, even yourself. I would add that trust does not come with forgiveness, especially of yourself.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

honcho said:


> Its just my perception but it often seems the person forgiving themselves and feeling the pressing need to tell everyone they have forgiven themselves is usually the person who really hasn't dealt with the internal demons, they are just trying to avoid instead of real introspective.
> 
> Forgiveness is a very person thing and it has different meanings and perceptions to each person. Our society preaches to forgive right away and we all should work towards forgiveness. It takes work to get there, too often it's the first thing people do to avoid the work.


It's been my experience that those who go on and on and on w/ respect to the importance and virtues of forgiveness are the ones that -- all too often -- are the ones perpetually in need of it.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> For me, it all hinges on intentionality.
> 
> *Is your intention to seek forgiveness so you feel better?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Right there is the crucial distinction - do you want it to just go away or do the work to become a better person?


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

marduk said:


> *...It all hinges on intentionality. *


Exactly...

I'll admit, this forgiveness thing is a tough row to hoe. In my FWW case, she wallowed in guilt and shame for years on end, unable to muster even the smallest bit of forgiveness for herself.

It had it's purpose, but at some point if your marriage is going to succeed in R, some degree of forgiveness on both ends needs to be made. As I eluded, easier said than done, but...

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."... Andy, Shawshank Redemption, 1994.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

While I have forgiven my wife for her affair and forgiveness accomplished in MC, my wife has not forgiven herself. This will be an issue later in our reconciliation, but for now I see it a huge motivation tool in her own recovery. She has to repair what's broken inside her, and I believe that after she repairs those faults and is a better person, forgiveness should be her closure. 

She struggles as I do but she keeps working hard. She continues to fight for her, me, family, and the marriage. Forgiveness to herself, when she does forgive herself, will be the best gift she can give herself. After all, if she isn't happy nor loving herself, all the changes she makes for the better will be for not without forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> While I have forgiven my wife for her affair and forgiveness accomplished in MC, my wife has not forgiven herself. This will be an issue later in our reconciliation, but for now I see it a huge motivation tool in her own recovery. She has to repair what's broken inside her, and I believe that after she repairs those faults and is a better person, forgiveness should be her closure.
> 
> She struggles as I do but she keeps working hard. She continues to fight for her, me, family, and the marriage. Forgiveness to herself, when she does forgive herself, will be the best gift she can give herself. After all, if she isn't happy nor loving herself, all the changes she makes for the better will be for not without forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheaters have damaged the BS PERMANENTLY - they should fix whatever it s thats broken but it only seems fair they carry around some damage form the wreckage they caused the BS - the BS will NEVER be the same - that is the unfairness of it all. However many cheaters walk away free and clear with the BS left to pick up the pieces alone.


----------

