# Found out my wife has been cheating and my world is in utter CHAOS!!!!



## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

I don't know where to begin but perhaps I can start with February 12, 2012 where my wife emotionally exploded on me on an unprecedented scale. We had arguments as any normal couple does in the past but this is one ended in HER stating that she did not want to be with me in the relationship anymore, physically, sexually, or emotionally. We have been married 16 years, known each other for 21 years, have two great kids (boy 7, girl 3), and have gone through a rough period the last few years. To say the least, I was completely shocked by the declaration that she wanted no more part of me. Especially when looking back, most of our arguments appeared rather mundane, and it always seemed we addressed our arguments and moved on. This was a complete and utter shock for me and it was the end of my world going away.

I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.

I took a whole new perspective on life and yet my wife was still rather disconnected from me, especially with the intimacy part. Not only could I not approach her about making love, I could not hold her hand and even my presence seemed to annoy her. I thought this was part of the process where I had to give her space and I did that. Not only that, I supported her in everything she tried, coordinated things for us to do as a family, etc.. I tried everything and it all seemed to finally get better on the relationship side of things. We were talking, going out on dates more, laughter starting to come back in our lives, etc. 

But I have always had a nagging doubt that things were not what they seemed. This doubt was driven by my own therapist simply stating I should be hiring a detective to find out if she is cheating, friends suggesting cheating may be the issue, and reading some online articles on a cheating wife. When I read the article by the way, I found that she completely matched 7 of the 8 sings it covered. New appearance and focus in looks (she had never focused on herself until recent year or so), working out heavily, yada yada. I could not even begin to believe to consider my own wife would actually cheat.

D-DAY: And yet, last Wednesday, I snooped and found emails she had sent between herself and a friend. The emails described a sexual relationship with another guy she used to work with (OM1) and referred to another relationship with yes another person (OM2). They talked about her sexual escapades and complete and utter disregard for me, our kids, and the family that we worked so hard to nurture all these years. The utter shock and appalling nature of the emails were were such that I trembled and could not breathe for quite a while. Anger, rage, disgust, humiliation, all flowed in like there was no tomorrow. The pain is unbearable.

After speaking with my therapist and our marriage counselor, I confronted her in our weekly session and she seemed in shock that I presented those emails to her. She even said outright in the emails that OM1 stopped seeing her and that all she needed was a lame excuse to go back into his arms. Most of this relationships by the way, took place in April of 2012, after the emotional blowup. The lame excuse email was a more recent email from October.

So through this confrontation and in the days following, she just does not seem remorseful of the family she is about to destroy just for her own personal needs and desires. I don’t even know how to address anything as I am in complete and utter shock at not only the betrayal but also a lack of remorse at someone who would not show emotions at being caught. She didn’t cry or beg forgiveness. She just apologized for hurting me. 

How the hell does this happen? I get it that it happens each day to people all over the place but like anything, you never conceive it will be your wife doing the cheating. 

Any help or guidance would be appreciated.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. Do the 180
2. Seperate finances
3. See an attorney and get the info for a Divorce
4. Do not move out of the house
5. Expose to her family, his family, her place of business if it happended there.
6. Get checked for STDs
7. Take good physical care of yourself
8. Do not have Sex with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's not remorseful at all.

You at least now know the truth that the problems that you have been hearing about and that YOU need to work on are a total smoke screen.

The entire and only reason she's act the way she has is because she was cheating, AND everytime she had a blowup etc IT was because f what was going on with the OM.

He dumped her and so she gets emotional and has you go to MC nd work on you.

Meanwhile she's still involved wth other men.

Now you know, nothing at You tried in MC had any chance of working. Nothing. She was playing you and the MC and wasting your time and money.


------

First find the wives or gf of these men an exposé their cheating.

Next, your wife has no remorse. None. You are clearly her plan B and have been so for a long time. You really need to look at the real person she is and ask yourself if that's someone you can trust every again, and if she's someone you can stand to be with.

Both of you need STD tests, because her affair sex was not protected snd it sounds like she engaged in a lot of acts shell never ever agreed to do for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and the Feb 12 date clearly was her setting up a fight so she could blow you off for valentines day and be with her OM. She cut you off sexually because she did not want to betray him by sleeping with you.


You need to go nuclear and expose the OMen and her.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> I don't know where to begin but perhaps I can start with February 12, 2012 where my wife emotionally exploded on me on an unprecedented scale. We had arguments as any normal couple does in the past but this is one ended in HER stating that she did not want to be with me in the relationship anymore, physically, sexually, or emotionally. We have been married 16 years, known each other for 21 years, have two great kids (boy 7, girl 3), and have gone through a rough period the last few years. To say the least, I was completely shocked by the declaration that she wanted no more part of me. Especially when looking back, most of our arguments appeared rather mundane, and it always seemed we addressed our arguments and moved on. This was a complete and utter shock for me and it was the end of my world going away.
> 
> I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.
> 
> ...


This is so sad. I do feel bad for you and hope you have a good support system to get through this time.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

More than likely there is more and it started before February.
1. File for divorce. You can always retract the divorce if you decide to reconcile, but get it started to show her you are serious. This will help her snap out of the fog.
2. Do the 180 as hard as you can. Do not have any personal conversations with your wife. Communicate only about things you are legaly required to. This will force her to stop living in her fantasy world, and stop her cake eating. But it's more for you. It will help you emotionally detach so you can see things with a clearer head.
3. Get in shape. Eat right, workout.
4. Get STP tested.
5. Stay in your house but stay on the 180.
6. Expose the affair to family and friends.
7. Put a VAR in her car, keylogger on your computer, and spyware on her phone.
8. Focus all of your good attention on your children.

Sorry you are here. Keep posting you will get sound advice here. Just make sure you follow it. 

Remember that BS that try to bend to the cheater get dragged through the mud. BS that cut the cheater off usually are the ones that get the option to R. You won't always get an R, but your best shot at it is cutting her off entirely. If she does come back around take your time in deciding if you want her or not.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's gone. Hard 180 for you and your kids.

Your wife is gone. Don't even try to get her back. Very few of them do. Your wife doesn't seem to be a good candidate for it though.


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

RRRBBBTTT:

For the 180, it feels impossible because of all the years we have been together.
I am working on separating finances.
I have reached out to my support group about an attorney and in a holding pattern so that I can get some idea as to what she wants before we get the dogs involved.
I am not moving out of the house as I have been told this would be considered abandonment. Much the same reason when she feels to stay as well.
Exposing her to the family, friends and workplace is alien to me but my family and friends are learning about this rather quickly. I am an open person when it comes to my life and sharing the pain seem to be natural for me.
STDs? I asked if she used a condom and she said yes. I asked when this all started and she said only after the February explosion. Emails support those statements and we have not had relations since February. However, if she is a liar and can't get over not being open and honest, as I strongly believe she is not capable of, then it would seem that she was doing this before February and I do have to get myself checked out.
I am starting to eating again so that is helpful.
Sex with her is a natural instinct but I will hold onto your advice solidly on that one.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

I cant give any advise , i am not in a situation too - i just got here myself with a similar situation to deal with , all i can do is offer you the best of my wishes and that there are some greats folks here on this forum with great advise , and more than anything else , with a very patient ear. Best of luck!


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

SHAGGY:

I agree that she does not seem remorseful at all and that the problems I have been working on have been a smoke screen. 
Never considered her blowups with me were because of her being dumped but thanks for the perspective.

Exposing her is a difficult thing as one of the OM is someone who still works with a family member, and has a wife and kid. The other person is an unknown. But in either case, i have to consider the effects of doing such a thing with my kids in mind. I feel like i have to tread carefully here so to not lose myself as well as crossing any legal boundaries.


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

SHAGGY:
Regarding valentines day, we have never really been solid on that holiday because of a previous incident when we were kids. She cheated on me and broke up right before Valentines day then too as well so she should be with the OB (other boy). God, amazing how life tends to repeat itself.

Btw, I didn't want to share that experience because i didn't want to hear "once a cheater, always a cheater". I am getting that enough at the moment.

But she has stated that is only started occurring in April and... and.. you know what. I am making excuses for her and believing what she is saying. 

The sad reality is that she chose to put herself first before me and even her own kids. So whether or not it happened before February, is only a concern for me when it comes to STDs.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> SHAGGY:
> 
> I agree that she does not seem remorseful at all and that the problems I have been working on have been a smoke screen.
> Never considered her blowups with me were because of her being dumped but thanks for the perspective.
> ...


Legally you are telling the truth. So you are covered.

You most certainly need to expose to the OMW. She has an absolute and moral right to know her husband is cheatng on her.

Look, you cannot nice your way through this. And while exposure is very very unpleasant, so is cheating and so is divorce.

Think of cheating as what it is betrayal and lies.

You don't deal with that with more lies, you deal with it with the TRUTH.

Share the truth, especially to the OMW


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

OVID:

Thanks for the advice. I will try to hold to that with the exception of putting a VAR in the car, etc. as I think we are beyond that point now. She has been revealed as to who she is now and I have to focus all of my attention on my kids.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Stunned,

I am so sorry you are here. No one should have to go through this utter betrayal. I read your response to the previous recommendations and, as I have so many times before, smacked my forehead in dismay. Please remove your emotional attachment to this woman and think strategically. You should have contacted a lawyer like yesterday. Waiting to see what your wife is going to do is passive and empowering to her. Your goals right now should be 
1) shock and awe your wife so she understands the gravity of the situation
2) Expose to everyone far and wide in attempts to stop the affair and begin to lift the fog that is your wife's fantasy life with the PM
3) Show your wife what life will be like without your emotional adn economic support bu truly doing the 180
4) Prepare yourself for the likely event that you divorce from your wayward spouse by executing a full 180.

Trust me. I know these things are hard to do; but his is the way to get your wife back, (if you actually end up wanting her) or to move on.

Good luck


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

I hear you and will figure out what to do in that regard.


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

I hear you but keep getting sidetracked by my emotions. I am a very emotional person and had a lot invested in her. Perhaps too much and not enough on the kids but thanks for keeping me on track!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Expose expose expose.
Stop defending her for the A.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> RRRBBBTTT:
> 
> For the 180, it feels impossible because of all the years we have been together.
> I am working on separating finances.
> ...


These things are not be suggested to you because we are mean vicious people and want you to kick your wife to the curb and be done with her. We all know that you have children and that changes things. The reason you need to make a drastic change is to show her that you are serious and wont tolerate this from her. You dont have to file for divorce but you can get the paperwork started. You can even go online in your state and find the documents, print them out and start filling them out. Leave them out for her to see.


If you cant do the 180 totally, then do what you can of it. I had a hard time with it myself but I did as much as I could of it and I didnt give anymore to my WH then he would give to me. If he was nice, I would be nice...not overly nice. If he was cold, I was cold. Mirror her actions if you cant do the 180. Do as little as possible to show her that you care or that she matters!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> I hear you but keep getting sidetracked by my emotions. I am a very emotional person and had a lot invested in her. Perhaps too much and not enough on the kids but thanks for keeping me on track!


Speaking from personal experience, I know how you feel!!

Its in your best interest to not show her your emotions. You will get a better chance of her opening her eyes if you dont beg and cry or show her that you are hurting!!

Im telling you this because its the truth!!! Once you can be strong (even if you have to fake it when she's around) you will see and feel a difference!!


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> RRRBBBTTT:
> 
> 
> STDs? I asked if she used a condom and she said yes. .


And you believe her? 

Even if so , not all sexual acts are performed with protection ( oral sex and others).

And not all STI are blocked by the condoms , like Herpes or HPV .

And finally condoms are not ( as they like to write on the boxes today ) 100% secure ( in the past the print on the boxes was 94 -97 % success rate at birth control , one must imagine how low the percentage for STI's are and is )

GO TEST YOURSELF


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> These things are not be suggested to you because we are mean vicious people and want you to kick your wife to the curb and be done with her. We all know that you have children and that changes things. The reason you need to make a drastic change is to show her that you are serious and wont tolerate this from her. You dont have to file for divorce but you can get the paperwork started. You can even go online in your state and find the documents, print them out and start filling them out. Leave them out for her to see.
> 
> 
> If you cant do the 180 totally, then do what you can of it. I had a hard time with it myself but I did as much as I could of it and I didnt give anymore to my WH then he would give to me. If he was nice, I would be nice...not overly nice. If he was cold, I was cold. Mirror her actions if you cant do the 180. Do as little as possible to show her that you care or that she matters!!


I get why the advice is being given but like most others, never conceived of this. Feared it, yes. But actually conceived it, no. Thanks for the advice here.


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> And you believe her?
> 
> Even if so , not all sexual acts are performed with protection ( oral sex and others).
> 
> ...


Will do.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

For me the 180 is not to show her anything for me the 180 was and (hopefully never again ) will be a tool to protect yourself , to heal.

To shock her is only a by-product of the 180 , something that you should not focus on . If it happens it happens ,if not that's ok too , you will heal and you will be ok again .

Do a hard 180 , force yourself to do it.
Have the list with you all the time and read it again and again. 

And fill for divorce as fast as you can . Don't lose time on that . Unless you want to stay in a marriage where your wife has beside you a Bf too.

As for divorce you can stop it whenever you want and if not you will be out of this toxic marriage a little quicker ( and that is something good for you and for your children)


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

As for var's and keyloggers you need them .

You need to know her true intentions , what she truly plans and thinks . 

She may say I want to R but in reality she may lay low and in reality the only thing that she does is, organize her self in hiding her affair better and wait until she thinks that she has fooled you and start the same or another affair.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

For you, that Wednesday was when your life came crashing down. 

For her, it was just Wednesday when her husband finally caught on. 

Shes been disconnected from you for some time. So while this shocks you it definitely doesn't shock her. 

Most important thing here is that you can't fix a marriage by yourself. She has to want to fix it right along with you.

if she is not remorseful, and not willing to own up to what she did and make amends the only thing you can do is divorce.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I suggested the VAR in the car because I believe you are only seeing a sliver of what is really going on.

I won't say once a cheater always a cheater, but a serial cheater is by far worse than a one time cheater. You have a serial cheater. You need to lay down the law hard. The nicer you are the more you will be mistreated. Just read the posts on this forum and you will see that the cheater script plays out that way every time.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

SBB,

Sorry to see you here and your story.
From Feb 2012 till last Wednesday, it took so long. MMM.

She is gone. It hurts, it is going to hurt you. Badly. Not only you, the kids.

Sorry again. You are suffering for no fault of yours. Sad.

Do what veterans said here.

You are just a less than a week from DDay. The hurt and pain sink in very slowly and it will be very difficult for you to observe the monster catching you up from within. 

So, go and see your doctor. Do strenuous physical exercises. Get good amount of sleep. Eat well. I know all these will be easier said than done.

Need I say "read the newbies link"?

Take real care.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best why to make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable is to expose this affair to the OMW (other mans wife).
1) OM will throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage
2) it gives you an extra set of eyes in establishing no contact
3) you and OMW can compare notes to establish what is fact.
Once the OM is out of the picture you have a good chance on repairing this marriage. With that said the goal to this tactic to expose the A to OMW is getting OM from infecting the dynamics of an already fragile marriage.

Also when the OM goes back to his wife, it will show your wife what a fantasy this was and there was no real future. 

Sure WW (wayward wife) will go thru some withdrawls and have to deal with the pain of getting dumped, but again getting the OM to stop infecting an already fragile marriage.

The sooner you get your wife out of this fog by exposing this A to OMW the better chances you will have. Just remember to not warn your WW about this tactic... she will warn OM and he will do the damage control that will make the exposure inaffective.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I know it's hard to deal with but there are a few things you need to deal with:

1. I'm sorry to tell you this but the account you got was only the tip of the iceberg. WS always minimize. Usually the story goes "we only did it once and stopped in the middle because I felt so guilty". The reality is they did it like bunnies. Now think what they did it twice means.

2. Again i'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. You have a huge emotional investment in this woman, but if you want to have any chance at a real R you have to kick her to the curb and not think twice about it. The more you think about it, the more you delay the more time she has to detach from you. You need to cut her off quickly.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Some truths.
It started way earlier. The fight was a clear set up.
She never used protection.
Her confidants are actually her enablers, provided her alibis, encouraged her.
She has been mindf0cking you with all the smoke screens aviable. Google gaslighting. Printi it. Let the pages there for her to find. It's extreme abuse.

Gather evidence, expose to everyone who's respect is of significance for her.
Even it's hard, put every effort at the 180.

I'm so sorry man. She seems too far gone.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stunnedbeyondbelief said:


> Exposing her is a difficult thing as one of the OM is someone who still works with a family member, and has a wife and kid.


 Why are you so worried about him, when he did not worry about you and your kids when he F*cked your wife? Besides, his wife has a right to know, by not telling her you become an enabler. Also, the fact that he works for a family member is all the more reason that you must expose as he needs to be cut off as much as possible from being a part of your wife's life.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

It seems this forum has two types of posters. Those who seek advice and are willing to do whatever it takes to save their marriage, they make decisive steps. They don't let their emotions rule their lives. 

Then there are those who seek advice yet choose to negate the facts and keep continuing down the same path. Their decisions are based on emotions and they drag their feet never early making any headway. 

You are of the latter group. Start thinking with your brain, you cannot make decisions based on emotions. Stop thinking how XYZ will affect others. No one gave a sheet about your feelings when your wife was spreading her legs. It's time to take action!!


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

So Sorry You Are Here My Friend!! I just went through the identical situation... It was Hell on earth! But being on here was my saving grace.. You definitley must detach to save yourself! If you want to my post was "Isnt Getting Better or Worse!! just something to look into...


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Why oh why oh why do people come to this forum, post and ask advice and then say but but but.

Dude! You've been given the advice use it!

You and your wife are not a special case, honestly. This is same ol' same ol'


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds to me like the poor guy is taking most of the advice offered except to expose the affair, and I don't see exposing as necessary if this thing is headed towards divorce.

He's gotta cut contact, no sex, get an attorney and get the divorce going.

Telling the OMs wife, exposing the affair are all secondary issues that can be addressed at some other time when his plate is not quite as full.


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## stunnedbeyondbelief (Nov 19, 2012)

Kasler said:


> For you, that Wednesday was when your life came crashing down.
> 
> For her, it was just Wednesday when her husband finally caught on.
> 
> ...


We have had some conversations since last Wednesday (despite some advice to the contrary) and the remorse and realization of what she has done is coming out. What it all means, i don't know. I even think i expected it to come out a bit differently. In any case, she still seems bent on her course to move out and be close or even take the kids.

You are 100% right about fixing a marriage by myself. That is finally sinking in. My "fix it" nature is one that i have to focus that "180" on as well.


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