# The snooping CHEATER



## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Sorry I had to delete my post with all your kind replies on it. RRRRRRRR  The husband decided to snoop.
So I will be Vague here. I met with my Devorce lawyer Monday and did ask for a separation  Still on the edge but leaning FAR toward independent. 
After my husband cheating on me many times before we were married I married him because he put on a "pretenders" face. Sometimes he is so sweet and kind and soooooo understanding. I found myself comforting "HIS PAIN :scratchhead: more then him helping me. The reason I stayed Was because I had an accident leaving me unable to leave due to finances, Or so I thought. I have time now to myself to decide what to do. If while separated I see no change then my choice to divorce will stay the same. 
I don't need to be in constant wonder if I will piss off the man who hurt me so much. How about the man who hurt me can sit and wait for me for a chance. 
When he found out I had visited this site he said... 
and I QUOTE...
"did you tell the whole story? MY SIDE?" Ummmmm oh sorry darling your side doesn't matter because You Cheated and I didn't ask for that. I am so sick of being told I "should get over it" or "its been a year" or "you told me to cheat" WTF? I told you? What fantasy porn did he get that from! I feel good and sad. I feel confused and clear. I don't know if I will stay or leave. But I am not with him now and I feel good! Thank you especially Catherine!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Your husband's side matters as far as his remorse is concerned. Of course if there's no remorse.......good riddance!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the two main reasons cheaters snoop-

1) the more troubling of the two reasons- is to monitor you to see what you know about what he had been doing or is still doing. This is a sign that he has more secrets to protect.

2) projection- the cheater figures if it was so easy for him to cross that line then it must be easy for you and everyone else, and may especially fear a revenge affair


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and to add, I'm not a big believer in separation- it's just extended limbo


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> Your husband's side matters as far as his remorse is concerned. Of course if there's no remorse.......good riddance!


Agree! There is where my confusion seriously sets in. He is so sorry and it lasts for maybe three to four weeks at a time then a week or so with utter hell. Saying things like I am a liar. telling me to "get the "bleep" out of HIS house. even saying I told him to cheat. And none of it is true. 
I have had a difficult time thus far with him dealing with the simple FACT that he cheated and I am feeling depressed due to his cheating. And I am hurt and need time.
Simply that nothing more. And he is all bent out of shape. Realizing his poor choice of words he then says sorry tells me he loves me and acts like nothing happened. Then the next day if I am down, he asks "babe whats wrong?" I want to scream and cry at the same time yell ARE YOU KIDDING!!! I don't think I can do this anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What he says is irrelevant and shouldn't matter to you since you filed for separation and possibly divorce.

Don't let his words affect you. Carry on.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

you appear to be having a corner for him in your mind. Snooping is natural for cheaters. Forget that for a moment. Do you still trust him? He seems to be not repenting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like he has always emotionally abused you. You will be a lot happier to get away from him even if the finances are less attractive.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the two main reasons cheaters snoop-
> 
> 1) the more troubling of the two reasons- is to monitor you to see what you know about what he had been doing or is still doing. This is a sign that he has more secrets to protect.
> 
> 2) projection- the cheater figures if it was so easy for him to cross that line then it must be easy for you and everyone else, and may especially fear a revenge affair


I would add a #3 (because this is what my wife does, and it is totally fine with me)

3) to see what you are saying about them to your friends, family etc. I.E. seeing what their reputation is now reaping.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

My wife could have snooped all she wanted and see what I was saying to anyone, including the OM. I don't think she did and never acted like she did.

The only place she never knew about was this site...well she may have found out about it, but I never stayed logged in.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> you appear to be having a corner for him in your mind. Snooping is natural for cheaters. Forget that for a moment. Do you still trust him? He seems to be not repenting.


I think sometimes he is. As far as trust..... No I don't trust him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

When I caught my ex with his OW I left for few days to stay with my family. However I left my laptop at home. But before I left I also installed a keylogger on it. So I knew exactly what he was looking for and have screen shots of that. He was trying to find out if I had contacted some of the executive team in his company. He was having an affair with a subordinate while running the company


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What he says is irrelevant and shouldn't matter to you since you filed for separation and possibly divorce.
> 
> Don't let his words affect you. Carry on.


hell hath no fury like a woman scorned ...eh jellybean ?


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

oneandonly2 said:


> hell hath no fury like a woman scorned ...eh jellybean ?


HAA lol SO RIGHT!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anaphylactic said:


> Sorry I had to delete my post with all your kind replies on it. RRRRRRRR  The husband decided to snoop.
> So I will be Vague here. I met with my Devorce lawyer Monday and did ask for a separation  Still on the edge but leaning FAR toward independent.
> After my husband cheating on me many times before we were married I married him because he put on a "pretenders" face. Sometimes he is so sweet and kind and soooooo understanding. I found myself comforting "HIS PAIN :scratchhead: more then him helping me. The reason I stayed Was because I had an accident leaving me unable to leave due to finances, Or so I thought. I have time now to myself to decide what to do. If while separated I see no change then my choice to divorce will stay the same.
> I don't need to be in constant wonder if I will piss off the man who hurt me so much. How about the man who hurt me can sit and wait for me for a chance.
> ...


Hello!
I have been looking for you. I was worried when you had to take your thread down. You sound good and realistic and somber. But that is a start right?

Can you talk about your plans in general? You have to be ready for anything from your H. He may try to cut you off financially, try to get back in your life or he may move on to another woman. 

It is likely that he will do all three simultaneously to hedge his bets. Be careful, do not trust no matter how much charm he oozes. Get things done legally. You can always stop the process but if you let him, he may work out a way to get you under his thumb. 

I hope you move on. It would take a small miracle to turn him into a normal man with normal feelings towards women. With what he is enmeshed in, it is a life style, a way of thinking it is who he is. 

Since you have not closed the door completely, why not go no contact. He can contact you by email or text only for important things. If you stay in contact, he maintains his hold on your mind. 

If you get out of the habit of being with him and make your own way, you may find that his absence is far better than his presence and that will be that.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Hello!
> I have been looking for you. I was worried when you had to take your thread down. You sound good and realistic and somber. But that is a start right?
> 
> Can you talk about your plans in general? You have to be ready for anything from your H. He may try to cut you off financially, try to get back in your life or he may move on to another woman.
> ...



WOW you always seem to post something that nails my husbands personality to a T.
His first divorce wasn't three months over and he asked me to marry him. I think you are right about him moving on quick. I call it him getting a "back up wife" I think he may already be searching. But I could be wrong. I do know he will try to pull the rug on the finances but am prepared. I just feel so let down and confused. Why does he act this way?

P.S I posted another topic with updates just a moment ago
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41183-update-snooping-husband.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41187-i-am-so-hurt-afraid-confused.html


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anaphylactic said:


> WOW you always seem to post something that nails my husbands personality to a T.
> His first divorce wasn't three months over and he asked me to marry him. I think you are right about him moving on quick. I call it him getting a "back up wife" I think he may already be searching. But I could be wrong. I do know he will try to pull the rug on the finances but am prepared. I just feel so let down and confused. Why does he act this way?
> 
> P.S I posted another topic with updates just a moment ago
> ...


He is mentally ill. You have to find out by reading what kind of mental illness he has. This will help release you from this cycle of self reproach and pain. 

Plus you'll know what makes him tick and use that to your advantage. Never reveal what you know about him. Dont' lose your advantage. 

Some crazy people are good at puling kind decent people in. They know what normal looks like but they don't have the tools to be normal on the inside.

I think you will find a clue to his problem by reading PD. I posted a link. He is either a narcissist of borderline. or a little of both. He cant be alone may be because of borderline tendencies. 

You have to become an absolute class A, top notch beoch with a stick with this man or he will screw you badly with the finances.

Get out of nice girl mode, strap on you guns annie and come out letting this MF know he messed with the wrong woman.

Are you up for this or what? I can help, I am from an urban area I am not so nice.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

So I am not the crazy one then? He is. Ok this is new to me. I seriously began to been crazy and wondering why. I am so grateful for this place. I knew the things he said were not normal and many times I said to myself Heck no I can not take this. I don't know how he can justify his words to me. The things he says are indeed unbelievable


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