# looking for a little advice



## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

I don't know how to move a post (if it is posible) so sorry for the re-post, but I wanted to move this to the Men's Clubhouse, so here it is:

I admit, I now know I have made many mistakes in my relationship with my wife. None of them intentional but basically through lack of knowledge. Ever since we have been married, I was trying to be the "Nice Guy". I now know that was a huge mistake. I put her on a pedestal. I made her the object of my desire. I gave her everything I thought she wanted. I was agreeable to her wishes and I never really put up a fight to get my way. Now (years later) I am seeing the error of my ways. So I have been reading A LOT and learning A LOT and now I am trying to correct the errors .

The problem: My realization didn't come from any singular event in our marriage. I simply came to realize little by little that I was going down the wrong path and recently, after investigating it, realized I was all wrong. However, my wife isn't unhappy with the way I have been acting over the years. I am the one who has been unhappy. I have felt like while trying to bend over backwards to please her she has been taking advantage of me and using my "desire to please" to take advantage of me and control me. Now I am standing up for myself and expressing my option more and saying what is on my mind, even if she doesn't like what I have to say. She is not happy about my change at all. I can tell, she does not like me being a strong husband. Her mother ran her household when she was growing up and her father was a real wimp. I think she expects the same in our marriage, which is why she has been happily going along with my passive behavior all this time. Now that I am standing up for myself she is trying harder to put me down. We fight a lot more now. She seems like she is losing control of something she has had for a long time and she doesn't know how to deal with it. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I know I am not going back to the passive person I used to be. I don't want to split up.

I just want to mention that I have not gone to the other extreme and I'm not trying to dominate her or tell her what to do or control her. I am simply standing up for myself. I am not giving in when I have my own opinion on important matters and I when she takes advantage of me or acts selfishly towards me, I let her know that I don't like it and ask her to stop.

I'm just looking for a little advice as I have not been down this road before and I don't know where it is heading.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

charlie and I could be twins, or at least married to the same woman! 

The problem is that she probably won't change. She saw how her mother did it (like my wife saw how her mother did it) and feels it has worked in the marriage until now.

If you haven't been married that long, you may have a chance but I don't think so (sorry). It is ingrained into her psyche that she rules, you follow.

I thought marriage counseling would help, but it will only be another person telling your wife that she is over-controlling and when that happens, she will resist going back to counseling.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> charlie and I could be twins, or at least married to the same woman!
> 
> The problem is that she probably won't change. She saw how her mother did it (like my wife saw how her mother did it) and feels it has worked in the marriage until now.
> 
> ...


I don't believe that people don't change. And the reason I don't believe it is because I'm working on being one of them and I'm making progress.

It is all in how you think. I believe that the original poster if he handles himself properly will be able to change his wifes reaction to certain situations. He is being emotionally abused by his wife from her controlling demeanor, and it is possible for him to stop it he just needs to be equipped with the right tools.

There are many books out there on how to deal with someone who is controlling, I suggest first a counsellor and then start some reading....


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Your changes are for you not her. Whether she leaves or not should not really be a concern. I say this just based on your tale of events. If you are being a reasonable man then you should expect a reasonable partner. Don't get drawn into arguments over foolishness any longer. When you do you're letting her know she has enough power to control your emotions and that may be enough to keep her controlling nature satisfied. Have a discussion, say your piece and move on. Once she's lost that power she'll have to either s&*t or get off the pot.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

testing123 said:


> I don't believe that people don't change. And the reason I don't believe it is because I'm working on being one of them and I'm making progress.
> 
> It is all in how you think. I believe that the original poster if he handles himself properly will be able to change his wifes reaction to certain situations. He is being emotionally abused by his wife from her controlling demeanor, and it is possible for him to stop it he just needs to be equipped with the right tools.
> 
> There are many books out there on how to deal with someone who is controlling, I suggest first a counsellor and then start some reading....


But the thing is the person must want to change. Change of self can be exceedingly difficult and that’s why strong motivations/reasons are required.

It’s ok saying “Well I can change, then so can others”. But you have the all important motivation to change whereas the others are quite happy and content with just how they are!

But unfortunately there’s more. The more you tell/ask/persuade/try and motivate another to change the more they are likely NOT to change. It's the very definition of stubborness, a person not doing what we want them to do!


Sometimes a partner doesn’t change even when handed divorce papers! Even the end of the marriage is not enough to motivate them to change. Yet even then, years after the divorce the divorced partner can have their epiphany moment and say something like “Ah! NOW I see what he/she was on about. I wish I’d known it then, I’d have changed and we’d still be married more happily than ever”.



But then there is something else yet again wrt change. A person does change during the course of their life. Sometimes it’s like a metamorphosis, for example a woman post menopause. There’s the “empty nest” change once the children have left home etc. etc. For my mind it is the wise person who sees these times coming, like retirement and plans for them. And part of those plans are changing who we are so we can live more comfortable as we go through life with our world changing all around us.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

charlie18 said:


> I don't know how to move a post (if it is posible) so sorry for the re-post, but I wanted to move this to the Men's Clubhouse, so here it is:
> 
> I admit, I now know I have made many mistakes in my relationship with my wife. None of them intentional but basically through lack of knowledge. Ever since we have been married, I was trying to be the "Nice Guy". I now know that was a huge mistake. I put her on a pedestal. I made her the object of my desire. I gave her everything I thought she wanted. I was agreeable to her wishes and I never really put up a fight to get my way. Now (years later) I am seeing the error of my ways. So I have been reading A LOT and learning A LOT and now I am trying to correct the errors .
> 
> ...


Your wife’s behaviour has got her what she wanted from you for what looks like a longish time with you. In other words she is “working” in that there is nothing at all wrong with her. She gets what she wants simply by being who she is!



But the seriously big problem is that who your wife is comes from generations of “breeding”. We get our behaviour from somewhere and in the main it’s our parents. Where did they get their behaviour from? Their parents etc. etc.

So your wife’s behaviour is “cultural”. It’s existed for generations and is very much a “way of life”. In a way trying to change a person’s culture is very similar say to a Muslim trying to convert a Jew, or a Christian a Hindu etc.


I think what you are in now sounds like a power struggle. I don’t mean by that that you are trying to dominate your wife, more that you want your wife to stop dominating you and work with you as a team on equal footings.

I can’t see what carrots you can offer your wife, what future you can paint for her that is positive enough to get her to go through a change process with you. I think the only hope you have is fear of loss by way of divorce papers. If she doesn’t change even though she has divorce papers in her hands then she’s never going to change while she is with you.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

A couple things here:

First, the fact that you see similarities between your relationship and your wife's parent's relationship is telling to me… It means that this could turn into a bigger problem than it is now, and you need to tread carefully moving forward. Many of us seek relationships based on our parents, so if she was looking for one thing and now you're changing it into another, that could certainly be a problem. Not saying as to whether it's right or wrong, just that you should be aware of how powerful a parental example can be - We naturally default to our parent's behavior in a lot of things.

While I do believe that your wife is capable of changing this perspective, it has to be something that she recognizes and then subsequently WANTS to do, and right now it doesn't sound like she does.

Second, it sounds to me like you might be taking this change too far, too fast. Especially because you said that you made this change after years and years of oppression. 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for leadership in marriage… In fact, I strongly believe that the only way to have a successful, happy long-term marriage is for the husband to accept the bonds of leadership. That being said, since by your own admission you don't have much experience being the leader-husband you should, I'm guessing you've 'overshot' that responsibility by a bit. This doesn't mean you're in the wrong, it just means that you need to slow down you're manly roll. 

Don't feel like you have to oppose everything your wife wants when it's against you're opinion or desire. One of the qualities of a good leader is knowing when to give in and how to do so in a way that's not submissive.

Here are two things that I know: Women love leaders, and men love being the leader. Even though your wife thinks she wants a marriage one way, with time she will come to see that she actually enjoys having you as the leader. If that's not happening, it means YOU are doing something wrong. Remember that everything works better in baby steps. Be patient, stay focused on the end goal, and treasure your wife.

Above all - DO NOT BLAME your wife for you're abdication of leadership, and don't take this realization of your failures as an opportunity to 'get back at' your wife and re-assert your control. 

You don't have to put her down to get back on top, you just have to let things settle - Nature's equilibrium is on your side.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Make sure you she feels loved as you change a pleaser to a leader. Take your time with the transition, big changes in the relationship need time to develop.


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