# 6 Affairs, Still Married After 20 yrs



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

The last affair was over 11 yrs ago. She had 4 As: 3PA, 1 EA. I had 2 As, 1 PA, 1 EA. 

It took alot of work, IC, MC, and a willingness to change, to not be so selfish, and to love. 

My motto to guys is : "Cherish, love, and appreciate your wife, or someone else just might."


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

That's a lot of infidelity. I'm not sure most people could recover from that, but glad you seem to have worked it out.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

You must be a better man than I. I'm struggling with the 2nd PA & EA.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

What do you believe was most instrumental in allowing you, as a couple, to move forward past all the A's?

How long ago was the last A?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> That's a lot of infidelity. I'm not sure most people could recover from that, but glad you seem to have worked it out.


Depends on your definition of recovery, I guess. Most wouldn't opt for his.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> *What do you believe was most instrumental in allowing you, as a couple, to move forward past all the A's?*
> 
> How long ago was the last A?


Probably the anticipation of the next one.

:lol: :rofl:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Well, if keeping score means anything, you lost.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Probably the anticipation of the next one.
> 
> :lol: :rofl:



One more affair and they will get a free sub! Totally worth it.

Imagine a microwaved sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich from subway. Sinfully delicious!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> The last affair was over 11 yrs ago. She had 4 As: 3PA, 1 EA. I had 2 As, 1 PA, 1 EA.
> 
> It took alot of work, IC, MC, and a willingness to change, to not be so selfish, and to love.
> 
> My motto to guys is : "Cherish, love, and appreciate your wife, or someone else just might."


Glad you have recovered from the infidelity.

However your quotation seems to imply that you are responsible for your wife's affairs?'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Glad you have recovered from the infidelity.
> 
> However your quotation seems to imply that you are responsible for your wife's affairs?'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Each partner is responsible for every A, whether as the BS or the WS. No one is ever "completely innocent". In my case I believe I was responsible for setting the initial negative conditions, so I was "first". But I also believe that because of her choices in both behavior and having toxic friends, that she was "worse". Both of us needed to R and change our ways.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You should check out *So much gotten wrong, I can't even process it* where the topic is a blog article titled *The Night I Gave My Husband a Free Pass - Scary Mommy*. You've got some "street cred" when it comes to this subject.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

6 A's in total. The last of which was 11 years ago. 

Why ya here?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why did you guys stay together after all of that? Kids? cultural? religion?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not responsible for your wife's affairs. 

My wife decided to cheat on me.

That was her decision.

Unfortunately I had a stupid drunken revenge affair. For which I accepted FULL responsibility.

I should have handled it differently but to my shame I didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Each partner is responsible for every A, whether as the BS or the WS. No one is ever "completely innocent". In my case I believe I was responsible for setting the initial negative conditions, so I was "first". But I also believe that because of her choices in both behavior and having toxic friends, that she was "worse". Both of us needed to R and change our ways.


If your wife has another affair, will you still be accepting part of the blame?

Is there anything she could do that would cause you to divorce her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> The last affair was over 11 yrs ago. She had 4 As: 3 PA, 1 EA. I had 2 As, 1 PA, 1 EA.
> 
> It took a lot of work, IC, MC, and a willingness to change, to not be so selfish, and to love.


On her part or yours?

Or did you both just get tired of feeling like sh*t all the time?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

She began the R process first by ending the As, going to IC, and really working hard to change her ways. I had filed for divorce and was continuing my A for almost a year before I decided to end it and work on my issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nice! I love success stories.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I guess the point of this thread is not to brag about the number of As, but to say that a successful M is always worth saving, if you can change your ways and work very hard on R.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

It depends on what you call 'successful'

If just staying M until one of the partners dies, the my maternal grandparents had a 'successful' M.

Based on almost any other conceivable criteria...it was an unmitigated disaster that damaged their kids and grandkids in many ways.

My parents lived just about a half mile away....growing up I spent time at my grandparent's almost every day.

I saw it...didn't really understand why a lot of things went down the way they did as a kid....why my grandfather was so nasty to my grandmother so often, and seemed indifferent at most other times.....why my grandmother was such a liar and a nervous wreck....why she showed blatant favoritism to my aunt and her kid over my mother and her three kids (me and sisters)....why my mom and her sister fought so bitterly....why my aunt was never held to account by her mother despite a 20+ year meth habit, and my grandfather just bitterly ignored the mess.

Well it all came out after my grandmother passed....my mom and aunt got into a huge argument about taking care of my very elderly grandfather....at one point my aunt screamed out that he wasn't even her real dad, so why should she have to do so much, despite the fact she still lived in his house.

The cat was out of the bag....grandmother had multiple A's....aunt was A child from last one....grandfather stayed because he didn't want to abandon my mom, but never really forgave....grandmother spoiled my aunt in EVERY way, whether as a lasting memory of her POS AP or because she felt my grandfather would reject/treat her different, I don't know.

Really ugly....but I finally understood SO MUCH about what I had seen and what happened during my childhood

When my grandfather passed in January of this year, one of my cousins got up to speak....he went on and on about how incredible a M my grandparents had...lasted 60 years...he said now that was true love (he doesn't know the history as the A's was kept VERY secret and rugswept, even the blow up between my mom and aunt stayed in the immediate family...h*ll my aunt's son, my first cousin, doesn't even know as he wasn't present and my rugsweeping family didn't want to inform him).

After hearing my cousin's words, it was all I could do to keep from snorting in derision.

Just staying in a M til 'death do you part' is NOT a successful M in my book.

MAJDEATH,

Not saying your M is not truly happy and reconciled....I hope it is and know you believe you and your fWW have successfully R'd.

I'm happy for you.

Just pointing out that a 'successful' M sometimes means very different things to different people.

The fact that most people I know consider my maternal grandparents M to have been a success makes my skin crawl.

I KNOW the truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> Why did you guys stay together after all of that? Kids? cultural? religion?


The power of weirdness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm going to start calling you MultiDeath because you have more threads than I can currently keep up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I'm going to start calling you MultiDeath because you have more threads than I can currently keep up with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL! I guess I was on a posting bender yesterday. This forum has really helped me and I consider the opinions of TAM posters like yourself invaluable.

But are you stalking me ConanHub?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

If success is a few EAs, lots of PAs then finally be together after it all....I don't want success. Allies, teammates, partners, loved ones do not treat each other that way, that is not love. Real forgiveness also asks the forgiven to repent and change.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> LOL! I guess I was on a posting bender yesterday. This forum has really helped me and I consider the opinions of TAM posters like yourself invaluable.
> 
> But are you stalking me ConanHub?


You have so many threads on TAM that it is almost becoming wallpaper.

Trying to avoid you is becoming difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Old time boxers use to take any amount of beatings toward the end of their careers and it was called punch drunk..........

After a time they didnt feel it so much


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

After six who's counting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> After six who's counting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want to talk about weird ...go dig up my old thread from'10..

Now thats phucking wierd!

When I look at the kids, the grand kid...even the parent ( we only have one parent left between me and the old lady....how phucking crazy our lives were when me and the old lady were doing the shyt we were doing! 

You really can't put a tally on all the bull crap....you just know it was bull crap and the healthy life we live now is way better and if the shyt ever went back to the way it was one of us would be dead.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

the guy said:


> You want to talk about weird ...go dig up my old thread from'10..
> 
> Now thats phucking wierd!
> 
> ...


I get a different "feel" with you and your lady.

Your situation was beyond screwed but like you always say, you are wired different than most.

I somehow respect what you have with your wife now. That is a rare occurrence from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> After six who's counting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With six you get egg roll...


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

This kinda hit with the discussion at one my review test classes.

They were discussing that the cheating impacts more those people who have not had cheated themselves.
short cheating hurts honest people more.

funny thing:
prof. even said that over there is marriage material cause he/she looks sleazy. I was a bit appalled then
prof. said if you were to slip he/she would forgive you. cause a. he/she will strike back or b. he/she already did you first.

Goes back to the immoral question. is cheating the norm? how is monogamy relevant?

I have seen that if the BS also cheats the healing seems to look faster. but not sure.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> LOL! I guess I was on a posting bender yesterday. This forum has really helped me and I consider the opinions of TAM posters like yourself invaluable.
> 
> But are you stalking me ConanHub?


It's a bromance. :grin2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

morituri said:


> It's a bromance. :grin2:


Scrubs - Guy Love (HD)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bfree said:


> With six you get egg roll...


FYI, this is WAY funnier when read using the stereotypically "bad Engrish" accent filter...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> If success is a few EAs, lots of PAs then finally be together after it all....I don't want success. Allies, teammates, partners, loved ones do not treat each other that way, that is not love. Real forgiveness also asks the forgiven to repent and change.


For reals. This seems more like a "Hey, if you stick around long enough, one or both of you will eventually get tired of cheating. Or maybe just better at hiding it." approach to reconciliation.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Monogamy through attrition does not seem like a good game plan.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shyt happen I never real planned out my bad behavior. I'm sure my old lady didn't grow up think about phucking around on her husband just like I didn't grow up thinking I was going to be a wife beater.

Some folks have this thought that this shyt can't happen to them or have an idea that they won't let them selves get phucked over but when it happens you take the crap and roll with it the best you can so it doesn't happen again.

What really sucks is there are a lot of POS out their that don't even think they got a problem and keep screwing over the poeple they love only to move on from partner to partner not having a clue they are the phucked up ones.

The thing is me and the old lady went through some shyt and it sucked I guess we could have split and let some one else reap the rewards in now having healthier behaviors...but there is a good chance and it's often the case that a couple splits and again most often then not the same shyty unhealthy behavior continues with some one else..


I guess some folks have such a god damn perfect life they don't have to measure success by how they over come tough things in their life but can walk around measuring their success by never have to deal with the crap others have to.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

At least you're consistent.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> Each partner is responsible for every A, whether as the BS or the WS. No one is ever "completely innocent". In my case I believe I was responsible for setting the initial negative conditions, so I was "first". But I also believe that because of heer choices in both behavior and having toxic friends, that she was "worse". Both of us needed to R and change our ways.


Ahh....henpecked white knight.

Now I see why you stuck around.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is possible that couples treat each other like s***, take each other for granted for years and finally grow up after realising they will not do a better job with anyone else. They have been exposed warts and all, and decide they both have had enough of the bull and want to do the right thing. However, the damage caused, now that is another story.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

aine said:


> It is possible that couples treat each other like s***, take each other for granted for years and finally grow up after realising they will not do a better job with anyone else. They have been exposed warts and all, and decide they both have had enough of the bull and want to do the right thing. However, the damage caused, now that is another story.


Overcoming the damage is the real rub. Some folks can repent and get past the questions, mind movies, battling old memories, etc. Others cannot.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You can rebuild trust with time, but now you will always know what he/she is capable of, and you never forget that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> The last affair was over 11 yrs ago. She had 4 As: 3PA, 1 EA. I had 2 As, 1 PA, 1 EA.
> 
> It took alot of work, IC, MC, and a willingness to change, to not be so selfish, and to love.
> 
> My motto to guys is : "Cherish, love, and appreciate your wife, or someone else just might."


Good God Dude. It hurts just to read that. 

Your motto to guys is : ''Cherish, love, and appreciate your wife, or* four* someone elses just might."

Looks like you have two more to go to even the score.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

It's like reading about someone who's parachute fails to open and they somehow survive the fall. Like one in 10 million...


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I'm a survivor spouse, like someone who beats cancer and lives to tell about it!


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So it's partly the wife's fault if her husband leaves her after 12 years of a seemingly healthy marriage because he's decided he prefers men? I don't think so. It was absolutely NOTHING I did that made him decide to change sides. Never even saw any red flags. Now maybe if he'd told me BEFORE he left that he was into guys in his college days, that might have made a difference. Then it would have been on me for marrying him knowing he liked to swing both ways.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> You should check out *So much gotten wrong, I can't even process it* where the topic is a blog article titled *The Night I Gave My Husband a Free Pass - Scary Mommy*. You've got some "street cred" when it comes to this subject.


An interesting article. But she clearly had not thought it through:



> One night, while enjoying a lovely ****tail hour with my husband, I blurted it out.
> 
> “I just wish you’d **** someone else. Have a free pass. Don’t let me know – just do it. I can’t **** you like you need. Just be safe, and don’t fall in love.”
> 
> ...


I think there was a lack of understanding there. But not from the husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> She began the R process first by ending the As, going to IC, and really working hard to change her ways. I had filed for divorce and was continuing my A for almost a year before I decided to end it and work on my issues.


I don't think I could recover from all of that, but then again, my H had a drunken one night stand and perhaps another one so whom am I to say anything, I am still married and still standing.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Not exactly a success story OP.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

On behalf of all the single people out there I want to say thank you. I am glad you guys stayed married. Better you be with each other then some unsuspecting rube.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MD, why did you remove your signature?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

jld said:


> MD, why did you remove your signature?


I didn't notice. Perhaps something to do with the new log in after the data breach.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

6 affairs? I think that qualifies you as being in an "open marriage" by now. 

I hope YOU are getting a hall pass to do the same! Otherwise it is called by another name, Cuckholding


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

That was then, this is now.


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