# Left abusive spouse to come home to abusive parents



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Hello all,

So I finally mustered enough courage and strength to leave my abusive partner to come back home. I have been here all of 2 days and I'm already remembering why I left home 6 years ago. I am so sick of drama, my passive aggressive mother who knows EVERYTHING and is constantly comparing me to other people kids. I'm so sick of hearing her complain and get mad and raising her voice. Then my father who is extremely needy is just flat out stressing me out. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. 

I have absolutely no friends to room with. I quit my job so now I'm stuck. I feel like just getting in my car and driving until I can't anymore. I made the worst decision coming back home and should have stayed in GA instead of coming back to CA. 

I really messed up...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

As difficult as things are currently you made the right decision to leave the situation you were in.

You will get through this, you have taken the first and most difficult step. Hang in there, focus on healing and take care of yourself. 

Try not to let your mother get to you, when she makes unfavorable comparisons. Is it possible for you to explain to her that you need her support and her disparaging remarks are not helpful? If you can't talk to her about it then spend your time wisely...elsewhere. Avoid the negativity as much as you can. 

I have followed your story, and I am so proud of you for finding the strength to leave your ex. And I am so sorry you don't have loving supportive parents to help you through your rough days. But you have the strength you need, just believe in yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your parents might be hard to deal with but they are giving you a roof over your head right now. 

Double up on the job hunting and move out as soon as you can.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offence intended, but having someone be whiny, needy, b1tchy, or just rude doesn't make them "abusive". It also doesn't make them someone you want to live with, either... 

My thoughts... Stay out of the house as much as possible, and use that time to find a job and somewhere to live.

C


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I agree. Focus on finding a job so you can get your own place and move on with your life. I am proud that you left. Now just be strong and better days are coming.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

I was in this position when I was 23 only it wasn't a husband I left it was a live in boyfriend. I used that time to get a 2nd job and I saved every penny. It took me 6 weeks to save enough money to leave again. I had no friends either but I still managed to survive and so will you.


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

First, I would like to say congratulations to you on making the move. Secondly, if I may, I would like to play devil's advocate and look at this situation from another point of view. I have read all of your threads from November until now. I am going to start with the November post and move forward.

In November you said you wanted to leave but were scared. Did your spouse know this? Probably not, so let's start there. Do you sincerely think it was fair of you to continue to lead her on knowing that you wanted to go? Furthermore, it seems to me that you are overshadowing your own issues by exposing her issues. You were trying to find a way out from day one and the situation that transpired in June was it. I am not saying it was right, but it seems you were just looking for a way out and you found it. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. Ok so your wife had anger issues, but what did you do during those fits? Did you taunt her, make her feel bad, or try to diagnose her, like you are doing here? It amazes me how you can air out all of you and her business on this site, but not to her. Their is a level of privacy that must be maintained and you definitely violated it by putting your business here. You could have done it in a way that you didn't list every detail. You have a problem communicating your thoughts to the ones that matter. This site cannot help you if you aren't communicating these same thoughts with your spouse or you are lying to her, telling her one thing, knowing full and well you have another plan. Honesty works both ways and you cannot expect to receive honesty when you aren't being truly honest yourself. When you wanted to leave in November, you should have expressed that with your spouse and made your arrangements then. But you did not, so you allowed this situation to fester into what it is.

During this time, you need to ask yourself what is "abuse" It seems that you are defining it slightly wrong and that as long as things are your way, you are fine, but when things are not, then it is abuse. You have labeled your spouse and now you are labeling your parents? Are you properly qualified and do you have the neccessary credentials to do that? Or is this just your personal opinion of things based off what you read on this site or online? It's as if you aren't clear and you are fighting an internal battle within yourself. You need to ask yourself why do my marriages continue to fail? And when you ask yourself these things, look at YOU!!! Not the other party. When you can accept responsibility for you, then the healing can begin.

I am not saying that staying in an abusive relationship is the answer. At no point should it be acceptable to fight or hit each other. Again I commend you for moving forward and getting out of the situation.

However, when you leave a situation, leave it. It sounds like you feel guilty about something and you have regrets about the decision you made. Why? If this situation was truly as bad as you said it was, you should be leaping for joy! Transition is tough, but it's a daily process. If you are confident in your decision, be confident, don't look back and move forward. Cease communication and get yourself together. You left this situation, so why do you feel bad. Based on what you wrote, she will bounce back with the next man, so why should that concern you?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Lawrence, you said previously that you wanted to go to AA. Are you? 

You'll find a LOT of help for what you're going through, but don't just attend meetings and go home. You need to get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. Until you do that, all of the mental masturbat*on here or to others is NOT going to help you regain control of your life. 

Your parents are not the problem. Your wife is not the problem. YOU are the common denominator, and unfortunately, you missed out on learning one or two steps along the way that would help you comfort yourself in healthy ways that produce outcomes you want. Instead, you learned that alcohol was your solution. How's that working out for you? 

Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk if you want to find peace in your life.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> I'm stuck. I feel like just getting in my car and driving until I can't anymore.
> I really messed up...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The Way- Fastball Lyrics ♫♪♫ - YouTube


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop with the pity party and change your life; it is up to you and you only!

You need a blunt response and Kathy’s post above did a very good job.

Now you can try and divert what Kathy said and be defensive or you can become more responsible for yourself and improve yourself

Blunt


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> I'm already remembering why I left home 6 years ago.


Assuming you're at least in your mid 20's, I certainly hope leaving your parents home the first time wasn't because they aggravated you, you're *SUPPOSED* to leave *your parents home* when you become a man, that's what people do, and you're *not supposed to move back*.

Suck it up, it's their house, not yours. Get a job, then move out, if you can't get a job, try the Army, they'll put a roof over your head.

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eico2001 said:


> It amazes me how you can air out all of you and her business on this site, but not to her. Their is a level of privacy that must be maintained and you definitely violated it by putting your business here. You could have done it in a way that you didn't list every detail.


I disagree with this. This is a safe place to pose private/personal information because it’s anonymous. It’s not violating his wife’s right to privacy.

Sometimes a person needs to give a lot of detail so that others can tell what is going on. It also helps the OP do this as it can help them think through what is going on.


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree with this. This is a safe place to pose private/personal information because it’s anonymous. It’s not violating his wife’s right to privacy.
> 
> Sometimes a person needs to give a lot of detail so that others can tell what is going on. It also helps the OP do this as it can help them think through what is going on.



If you have to snoop and search through your spouse's things, then maybe the problem is YOU and not your spouse. It sounds like this person has trust issues, possibly from their childhood or previous relationships. In any event, these issues should have been discussed with his spouse. That does not take away from the deception that occurred. According to his previous posts, he has been wanting to leave since November 2012. I'm almost 100% certain his wife did not know about his plans and just as he is leading folks here on, looking for a cosigner and pity party, he also led his spouse on. He continues to go on about feeling guilty. Why? It has nothing to do with his spouse and everything to do with him. Maybe he wasn't living a proper life and being totally honest. It's as if he was just looking for a way out and a way to justify his actions. And to top it all off, he still not happy. So it's like what's really going on? 

Given this person also has a drinking problem, I feel that the actions of his spouse may have been in response to his drinking. It appears that before we place judgement or offer advice we should hear both sides and not just one. There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 

This is a shame a disgrace that he never told his wife how he really felt. I feel she was not nearly as bad as he is saying she was and that he is withholding his true side of the story.


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## juliaabna (Aug 18, 2013)

You will get through this, you have taken the first and most difficult step.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eico2001 said:


> If you have to snoop and search through your spouse's things, then maybe the problem is YOU and not your spouse. It sounds like this person has trust issues, possibly from their childhood or previous relationships. In any event, these issues should have been discussed with his spouse. That does not take away from the deception that occurred. According to his previous posts, he has been wanting to leave since November 2012. I'm almost 100% certain his wife did not know about his plans and just as he is leading folks here on, looking for a cosigner and pity party, he also led his spouse on. He continues to go on about feeling guilty. Why? It has nothing to do with his spouse and everything to do with him. Maybe he wasn't living a proper life and being totally honest. It's as if he was just looking for a way out and a way to justify his actions. And to top it all off, he still not happy. So it's like what's really going on?
> 
> Given this person also has a drinking problem, I feel that the actions of his spouse may have been in response to his drinking. It appears that before we place judgement or offer advice we should hear both sides and not just one. There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.
> 
> This is a shame a disgrace that he never told his wife how he really felt. I feel she was not nearly as bad as he is saying she was and that he is withholding his true side of the story.


Everything that you have said here has nothing to do with the point I made… that it’s not being disrespectful or a violation of privacy for a person to post details of their relationship on an anonymous forum.

To address your point, you are right we seldom get all sides of a story here. The fact is that you don’t know what he did or did not tell his wife. You did not ask him and engage him in a conversation to find out. Instead you are jumping to conclusions and jumping all over him. Maybe opening up a conversation with him would be a good idea so that you can find out more and thus be more helpful.


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Everything that you have said here has nothing to do with the point I made… that it’s not being disrespectful or a violation of privacy for a person to post details of their relationship on an anonymous forum.
> 
> To address your point, you are right we seldom get all sides of a story here. The fact is that you don’t know what he did or did not tell his wife. You did not ask him and engage him in a conversation to find out. Instead you are jumping to conclusions and jumping all over him. Maybe opening up a conversation with him would be a good idea so that you can find out more and thus be more helpful.


I say what I say because I AM THE WIFE that he has so eloquently talked about. I am that "ABUSIVE" woman supposedly. He posted my diary entries on here, He did not tell you about his drunken rages. How he drove one night while drunk speeding through red lights and trying to kill me. How he taunted me, would get in my face, and degrade me. 

So young lady, when I speak, I speak as the other party in this relationship and from the experiences he put me through. Not only did he leave, but he had the audacity to ask me for $500 after he left to help him, then threatened to call my job tell my friends and bosses that I committed adultery and did all these evil things. He never told you that he facebooked an ex girlfriend saying how he "missed her and wanted to be with her no matter what, the other women were just fillers in her place. She always had his heart" Or what about skyping other women while I'm in school at 1 am. lets not about all the numbers that were on the phone bill that was in my name for all the women he called. 

So before anyone goes on and follows up THIS MESS, try getting the other side.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

eico2001 said:


> So before anyone goes on and follows up THIS MESS, try getting the other side.


Of course you're welcome to present the other side here (I'm not sure how the OP feels about that.

Based on what you said, and the comments he made, and the fact that he's living with his parents now and complaining about it, it's obvious that he has to get some serious help with his drinking and maybe a bit of counseling.

One thing he needs to do today is to start *OWNING his SH*t *and stop whining about abusive parents, what is it with this guy,_ does everyone "abuse" him_???

T


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> Of course you're welcome to present the other side here (I'm not sure how the OP feels about that.
> 
> Based on what you said, and the comments he made, and the fact that he's living with his parents now and complaining about it, it's obvious that he has to get some serious help with his drinking and maybe a bit of counseling.
> 
> ...



You know, I really cannot answer that. It just hurts me that I have been depicted on this site as this crazed, abusive, cheating, and lunatic of a woman. I'm 110 lbs and he is 235 lbs. I'm 5'1 he is 5'10. There is no possible way that I could have physically abused him. When our relationship was physical it was because I was trying to restrain him. At best I would throw things and tear things up. I am not saying it's right, but that is what I did. 

In addition to the things he posted here, I so angry that he would deceive me. I did not know until I read his posts this weekend that he wanted out since his first post here in November 2012. He told me he wanted to make it work and he would do everything he could. Instead, he continued to snoop through my things and post them on this site and seek guidance from people here. The fact that he not only posted my diary entries, which is a way for me to destress, and release information regarding my medical illnesses and ailments was just horrific and devastating. He tried to label me as Borderline Personality Disorder, say I would blameshift, and I just refused to accept responsibility for my actions. I, by far, am not perfect, nor do I profess to be, but I just feel that it was beyond disrespectful for him to express his "true" feelings, or whatever they were on here and not to me. I offered and set up marriage counseling appointments and he refused to go because, based on what he was posting here, I was lying and wasn't sincere and did not mean it. I'm not sure if these were his conclusions, or they were based on the posts and replies he received from here.

I'm so angry to do anything right now and just heartbroken. To top it off, he is not telling everyone he was still trying to stay with me. He told me he wanted a 1 year separation and we could try again after that. 

Another thing that bothers me is that he was not accurate in his timeline of events. he stated on a previous posts that I broke down after 6 months of being married to him, when I found out my x husband remarried. In actuality, we were not married. My x remarried in November 2011 and I broke down then. Me and lawrencebe got married in March of 2012. It's like he posted things on here to make himself look good and me out to be the bad guy.

At the end of the day, I may not understand this, but I know one thing I will not go through this again. This is too much for me to deal with emotionally and on so many other levels.


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> Assuming you're at least in your mid 20's, I certainly hope leaving your parents home the first time wasn't because they aggravated you, you're *SUPPOSED* to leave *your parents home* when you become a man, that's what people do, and you're *not supposed to move back*.
> 
> Suck it up, it's their house, not yours. Get a job, then move out, if you can't get a job, try the Army, they'll put a roof over your head.
> 
> T


In regards to this, he was in the Army for 5 years and got out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congrats on leaving an abusive relationship. Good for you!!! 

You need to set some bundaries with your parents. Tell them you appreciate their concern but that you are an adult and need to be respected and you will reciprocate that respect toward them.

Now, make a plan.

Get a job, save money, and move out.

Set a timeline.

You've already taken the first biggest step by leaving your abuser. Kudos.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Congrats on leaving an abusive relationship. Good for you!!!
> 
> You need to set some bundaries with your parents. Tell them you appreciate their concern but that you are an adult and need to be respected and you will reciprocate that respect toward them.
> 
> ...


Sometimes the betrayed get stuck in this "victim" mode, and it seems like the world piles on.

I know some of it is unintentional. But some of it is literally devils who wait for someone who is in this defenseless mode and they will bash away.

In a your parents situation where you know you won't have a good deal of support, I'd stay out of there. Be there to sleep, while you look for a job and stay busy like it's a job during the day.

Get out of there as soon as you can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Everything that you have said here has nothing to do with the point I made… that it’s not being disrespectful or a violation of privacy for a person to post details of their relationship on an anonymous forum.
> 
> To address your point, you are right we seldom get all sides of a story here. The fact is that you don’t know what he did or did not tell his wife. You did not ask him and engage him in a conversation to find out. Instead you are jumping to conclusions and jumping all over him. Maybe opening up a conversation with him would be a good idea so that you can find out more and thus be more helpful.





eico2001 said:


> I say what I say because I AM THE WIFE that he has so eloquently talked about. I am that "ABUSIVE" woman supposedly. He posted my diary entries on here, He did not tell you about his drunken rages. How he drove one night while drunk speeding through red lights and trying to kill me. How he taunted me, would get in my face, and degrade me.
> 
> So young lady, when I speak, I speak as the other party in this relationship and from the experiences he put me through. Not only did he leave, but he had the audacity to ask me for $500 after he left to help him, then threatened to call my job tell my friends and bosses that I committed adultery and did all these evil things. He never told you that he facebooked an ex girlfriend saying how he "missed her and wanted to be with her no matter what, the other women were just fillers in her place. She always had his heart" Or what about skyping other women while I'm in school at 1 am. lets not about all the numbers that were on the phone bill that was in my name for all the women he called.
> 
> So before anyone goes on and follows up THIS MESS, try getting the other side.


If you are “the other” party, then the honest thing to do is to identify yourself as the other party from the start. Don’t jump on someone because you did not disclose who you are in your first few posts.

From what both of you have said, your marriage is/was a terrible, emotional mess. He’s gone now.

Your input could be useful in helping him own his part in problems in your marriage. But I doubt he will be back now that you are here. Aren’t you glad that you are free now and you don’t have the turmoil in your life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eico2001 said:


> You know, I really cannot answer that. It just hurts me that I have been depicted on this site as this crazed, abusive, cheating, and lunatic of a woman. I'm 110 lbs and he is 235 lbs. I'm 5'1 he is 5'10. There is no possible way that I could have physically abused him. When our relationship was physical it was because I was trying to restrain him. At best I would throw things and tear things up. I am not saying it's right, but that is what I did.


I’ve seen and heard of small women like you physically abuse men much larger than they are. It’s completely possible.
One that I saw, she is about your size and he is 6’1” and in very good physical shape. She jumped on his back and was trying to gouge his eyes out with her long finger nails. By the time he was able to shed her from his back his face was full of gashes from her nails and one of his eyes was hurt. He was able to peal her off himself with a lot of difficulty and she fell on her tail bone. She then call 911 to report that he had abused her and broke her tail bone when he pushed her to the floor. The only problem for her was that his family and her family were there and they saw it. So when the cops came the families both told the cops the truth.
This same little darling used to do things like pull butcher knives on her husband while he was carrying around their 1 year old daughter… she’d scream and yell that she was going to kill the both of them.

Another situation I’m aware of is a women about your size to hit her tall/large husband over the head with a telephone (land line) and killed him with one blow. 

And these are only two of the several cases I know of.

While you say you did not physically abuse your husband, it’s not true that a small woman can physically abuse a much larger man. It happens more often than most people realize.



eico2001 said:


> I, by far, am not perfect, nor do I profess to be, but I just feel that it was beyond disrespectful for him to express his "true" feelings, or whatever they were on here and not to me. I offered and set up marriage counseling appointments and he refused to go because, based on what he was posting here, I was lying and wasn't sincere and did not mean it. I'm not sure if these were his conclusions, or they were based on the posts and replies he received from here.


I agree that he should have expressed his “true” feelings to you. I think you have found out something very important here… that for whatever reason he does not feel safe talking about his “true” feelings to you. It’s most likely something intrinsic in him… he has a problem telling people the truth about himself and his “true feelings”. He also has a hard time owing his own bad behavior.

How much of this part of him contributed to the breakup of his former relationship? Was he like this with her as well?


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are “the other” party, then the honest thing to do is to identify yourself as the other party from the start. Don’t jump on someone because you did not disclose who you are in your first few posts.
> 
> From what both of you have said, your marriage is/was a terrible, emotional mess. He’s gone now.
> 
> Your input could be useful in helping him own his part in problems in your marriage. But I doubt he will be back now that you are here. Aren’t you glad that you are free now and you don’t have the turmoil in your life?



The reason I chose to not initially identify myself is because look at at all the horrible things he said about me. According to him, I'm a monster. He is not nor will he ever own his part in the demise of this marriage. He continues to tell me to accept responsibility for my part, he continues to point the finger at me and degrade me and my family. Through all of this he is still asking me to pay for the divorce. Since he left, why can't he pay for it? To answer your question, I am glad he is gone, but he married me under false pretenses from the start. He was not ready and instead of telling me this, he lied and married me anyway. At the end of the day, I am frustrated that he was not honest enough to tell me his true feelings. Thank you for your input. I wish him nothing but the best and a peace of mind. At this point he has already smeared my name and reputation, so I pray that he is happy now.


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I’ve seen and heard of small women like you physically abuse men much larger than they are. It’s completely possible.
> One that I saw, she is about your size and he is 6’1” and in very good physical shape. She jumped on his back and was trying to gouge his eyes out with her long finger nails. By the time he was able to shed her from his back his face was full of gashes from her nails and one of his eyes was hurt. He was able to peal her off himself with a lot of difficulty and she fell on her tail bone. She then call 911 to report that he had abused her and broke her tail bone when he pushed her to the floor. The only problem for her was that his family and her family were there and they saw it. So when the cops came the families both told the cops the truth.
> This same little darling used to do things like pull butcher knives on her husband while he was carrying around their 1 year old daughter… she’d scream and yell that she was going to kill the both of them.
> 
> ...



From what he told me, she was the same as me, crazy, but after being with him, he dranks a lot and the alcohol is definitely a factor. Prior to us getting married, his ex informed me of is behavior that he would just flip out and lose it.

I knew he had trust issues, I did too. What put us together was the similiar bad relationships we had. I was helping him to get through his horrible divorce. It seems after his divorce was final, his behavior changed. But he always told me he loved me, but after seeing these posts here, I truly doubt it now.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

eico2001 said:


> In regards to this, he was in the Army for 5 years and got out.


Amazing. And complaining about abusive parents? Simply amazing.

T


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## eico2001 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> Amazing. And complaining about abusive parents? Simply amazing.
> 
> T


Until you can find happiness within yourself, nothing else will be able to fill that void. I am currently still in with 2 1/2 years left. I may not enjoy it, but I am taking this opportunity to better myself so when I reintegrate into society, my sons and I will be ok


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I see that lawrencebe doesn't seem to be coming back... 

But, if you do.. I have a question. Are you really back to "abusive" parents??? You're post sounds more like you are going back to a dysfunctional family.. maybe irritating, & not easy to live with. BUt does not sound "abusive".

Is this the same in the relationship you left? Was it just an irritating partner?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lawrencebe, if you get this... you should come back.


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