# A Woman's Need for Sex



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Why do men complain about a lack of sex so much? I am a wife who is starving for affection and attention (and sex, although my husband would likely argue that I never want sex - so completely untrue). If my man just did any ONE of the below he would get a BJ and/or anything else he wanted every single day. And how much time in his day do they take? Anywhere from 2 seconds to 10 minutes tops. His BJ would be longer. Why is this SO hard to understand? And I've tried to explain it and show it by example, time and time again....

Here's the list (although certainly not inclusive):
1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up. (I would be jumping up to making him coffee/breakfast - that is if I wasn't jumping him first)

2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together. (I would be smiling for the rest of the day)

3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work. (Same as above)

4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her. Or text her, or sext her. Anything to show you're thinking about her and miss her. (I would be bragging to all the women at work what a wonderful husband I had) 

5. Buy her flowers or any other kind of treat she likes on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her. (I would jump his bones).

6. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention. (I would be smiling all evening)

7. Help her make dinner, or clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her. (Same as above - feeling very loved)

8. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep. (Again, jumping his bones, sleeping like an angel)

9.Touch her arm or knee when you talk with her. Your gentle touch communicates, “I’m here. You’re not alone. I enjoy you. I’ll take care of you.” (feeling safe, taken care of and cared about)

10. Make an effort to spend time alone together – go out for dinner, for a walk, or out for coffee. Show her (and others) that you enjoy the intimacy of being alone with her. (Happy wife!!)

11.Grab her hand and hold it when you’re out in public. (feeling appreciated, loved, wanted, secure)

12. Best yet, provide nonsexual touching - yes, that's right. Give her a foot rub or back rub without it leading into anything else. Don't go from scratching her back for 10 seconds to reaching for her breast. Let her totally relax. Almost guaranteed she will make a move. But even if she doesn't she sure will soon (likely the next morning). 


Instead my H gets angry when he grabs a nipple and pinches it and I move his hand away. He hasn't even looked at me for a week - I mean, met my eyes at all. His other move is to shove his hand down the back of my pyjama bottoms and rub my ******* or down the front and start rubbing a dry vagina. No kissing, no touching, nothing....just that very direct move. Then again when I move his hand away he gets mad and gives up with a sigh (like I'm the bad guy). I'm left starved for affection - and sex - good sex that is. Again, I've told him and showed him what I like. I truly think it is sheer laziness and just not caring. 

Even earlier on, when the sex was better and he was more attentive, he would ensure I received my pleasure first (which I appreciate that he took that time, many don't) but I've never once experienced (as ALL men have) the joy of having an orgasm and then just laying back and enjoying the waves of pleasure. Nope, as soon as my orgasm comes its "ok, my turn, get to work" - I mean, not said out loud (usually) but he lies back and expects me to either do him orally or get on top. Which usually, is fine (and by the way, I actually enjoy giving more than receiving) but just once in my life, I 'd like to lie back, relax and enjoy. Men don't know how good they have it and how easy it is to warm a woman up and have sex all the time!


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Have you tried giving a BJ just because, without him asking? I bet if you did he would give you a hug and kiss, greet you the same way after work even help with dinner! I speak from experience. I have changed things up & my way of thinking just for our marriage, not because I expected anything in return. I have received so much more than I could have asked for!


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Yes, absolutely. And no, it doesn't solve the problem. Then it seems even worse. Like, if I'm doing this for him, then all is good and he doesn't need to put in any effort. 

Also, he doesn't really enjoy receiving without giving, it makes him uncomfortable (this has never been my experience in the past, thought it was great at first). I would actually love to give more BJs for those times when he hasn't "warmed me up" and I STILL feel like giving. And hoping for exactly what you've suggested as a result. But he insists on full sex or him doing me first, before he gets a BJ. Which I'm not in the mood for until I've received some attention/affection first. So it makes me not initiate the blow job. Weird little catch-22 right?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> Why do men complain about a lack of sex so much?


For the same reasons any disparate group of people complain about anything - some of which have nothing to do with your list, and some that do.

You frame the question as if all of our experiences were identical to yours.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

my wife has a thing for giving BJs. It is what turns her on more than anything.

It actually bothers her if I try to clean up in the kitchen.

180 degrees from my first wife who hated giving BJs and expected kitchen work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sarah, print out this list and tape it to your bathroom wall so that sitting on the toilet he can't help but see it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening sarahmcd
there are low desire men and women.

I did every one of the things on your list daily, except flowers which were every couple of weeks for 25 years and my wife wasn't interested. 

Its much better now, but not because I changed what I was doing. 

There are men who will treat you well. really.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Some of us get it. Your husband is very fortunate to have a wife who can communicate. I don't know what could snap him out of his selfish behavior. 

How long have you been together?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

As I said in another thread, I'm really not a flower/gift buyer. The other things in Sarah's list, I do. 

I can't claim any expertise from only 3 lengthy relationships (6, 3, 17 years) and some dating,, but in none of the long ones did my sex life drop below 2 - 3 times a week. 

Just lucky,, or lucky I like to do all those things Sarah describes? It's not like any of that's even a chore. I'd do it for no BJs. For BJs, I'll do double shifts of it - apart from the flowers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

In a family/household there are chores that need to be done simply to keep the family and household together; washing needs doing, beds need changing, dishwashers need emptying, cooking needs doing, wood needs chopping, grass needs cutting etc.

Such chores need to be divided...the wife irons whilst the hsband chops wood etc. It has nothing to do with a healthy marriage but everything to do with teamwork.

The back rubs, foot massages etc fall into the marital 'duties' (I use the term very loosely) side. 

Speaking as a man, I have done the foot rubs, the back scrubs, bought the flowers, cooked the romantic meals etc and have received nothing in return. Had my wife realised that I didn't need the 'pampering' (candle lit baths, massages etc) and all I wanted was her (sexually) then our marriage would be in a far better place than it is now.

Sarah, I know you said you have given your husband BJ's 'just because' and things haven't changed...I'm sorry. I can't think why....because if a wife keeps her husband sexually happy he would do ANYTHING for her....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askari said:


> ....because if a wife keeps her husband sexually happy he would do ANYTHING for her....


This is completely untrue for some men. There are plenty of women in marriages like Sarah's. 

She described pretty clearly that he will not even acknowledge her existence until he's want sex and then he just starts grabbing, poking and pulling at her.

That's HUGE turnoff for a woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SARAHMCD,

Not all men are like your husband. And not all women are like you.

That said, you have a husband who seems to think that now that he's married he's done. He does not seem to realize that you have needs and it's his responsibility to fill those needs.

Sometimes this is due to just not knowing. Sometimes the guy is just down right lazy, or mean.

There are two books that I think will help you: "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them first. Then try to get him to read them and work on the things the books say to do.

You need to get as honest and open with him as possible. And you will need to let him know that his treatment of you is leading to you losing your love for him. 

Getting into marriage counseling would probably help too. But it's not a substitute for those two books.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thank you all for your comments. To those that focused on the cleaning/chores issue - what is meant here (what I meant) is that you occasionally do some of those things together. Preparing dinner or even doing dishes can be fun if you open a bottle of wine, put some music on, and dance or talk, or hug and kiss, for example. 
I realize that day to day you each divide up the housework. I don't get turned on by him doing the vacuuming, for example, although I certainly appreciate it. It means that he knows its one of my usual tasks and he's going the extra mile to be nice. I will wash both our cars on occasion with the same thought in mind - to be nice. 
I also agree that men in general don't get the small hints (or big ones) that women give and I have to be very direct and walk him through it. But every basic thing? Every single time I want a hug I have to ask? Every time I want to hold hands, I have to initiate?
For example, I had major surgery a year ago. Not once during my recovery did he call or text me from work during the day to check on me or see if I needed anything. As a matter of fact, I had to ask him to take the day off of my surgery - he wanted to just drop me off at the hospital and go to work. When I brought this up a week later and told him I was upset about it, he looked totally confused and said that "I should tell him sooner when I'm mad at him". Which, ok, I get that to a degree. But I didn't realize I had to spell out that he should think about me occasionally and show some little form of concern or caring. It just gets very frustrating when you tell him or show him something, he does it, and you respond with great enthusiasm (over the top some would say) and then he stops or forgets again. Really, you have to remind him EVERY time. Sigh....I guess that really is the case with this one.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you really want to know how this will turn out, file for divorce. That will either jump-start his libido, or prove he's beyond hope. I suspect that it will only jump-start his libido for his next victim.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Last night I made dinner for the family and washed the dishes. I also gave my wife a foot rub before bed. This morning, I grabbed her as she was getting out of the shower (I was on my way out the door for work), gave her a hug and a long kiss and told her I loved her.


I'll be sure to report back when I get that BJ.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Fozzy:
If she doesn't, she's taking you for granted. Or there are other trust issues involved in your relationship. 

I would in a heart beat!!! I think I would faint if my hubby did any of that (given, he does do dishes .


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sarah, I appreciate your post a lot...I hope more and more women will talk about these issues.

But hopefully you can realize that your situation is not like other's, and other's is not like yours.

So please don't assume that there "are other trust issues involved" or whatever, like you said above to Fozzy. Until you know other people's situation, try not to make any assumptions and especially don't assume everyone is like you. You will learn much faster the sooner you see that these situations have their unique issues, like yours is also unique.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife:
I clearly understand that this is my personal situation. But I also think its a common one. There was a study released this week about women's need for emotional intimacy and security in order to raise their desire, not just a simple hormone fix (like Viagra for men). That's what I was trying to get at. 
When I said "there must be trust issues" I'm stating MY opinion. I'm not stating fact. It comes from my perspective and experiences which obviously aren't the same as everyone else's. There could be many reasons his wife may not wish to give him a BJ....relationships are complicated, as are individuals. 
I think we are all on here to share our opinions....in doing so we have to make some assumptions if all the facts aren't presented (which they can't possibly be unless you're writing an entire book).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening SARAHMCD
From what I have read on this and many other forums, I think a lot of marriages slide into a pattern where one person gives and the other takes. 

The "giver", keeps giving ever more in the hopes of getting something back. 

The "taker" has all their needs met and may not even realize how uneven things have become. It just seems normal that their partner does all the work, and is a virtual sex-slave, doing anything the "taker" wants in bed. 

This can be especially true in HD/LD relationships where the LD person thinks that they are doing the HD person a favor by allowing the HD person to please them. 

The split is so wide that people have trouble believing comments from the other side. For some people, getting an intimate favor: a BJ, or a long massage, or whatever, is a perfectly normal occurrence - they pretty much get it whenever they want. For others it is maybe a once-a-year thing, or maybe never. 

Sometimes I wish there was a spouse-trade program. Let people trade partners for a month and see how the other part of the world lives.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sarah, some men are good men but clueless. I am married to one. All the things on your list are exactly what I wanted from my husband for YEARS and YEARS. At first, like you, I thought if I gave more he would feel like giving me more, but it didn't work that way. Not because he is selfish, but because he was CLUELESS. The thought of grabbing my hand and kissing my hand in a silly romantic gesture was a foreign to him as me rolling under my car to change the oil. CLUELESS! The thought of bringing me a little gift every now and then was as far off his radar as the thought of me returning his business calls for him.

Your husband, like my husband was, doesn't intend to hurt your feeling by withholding affection, by withholding little romantic gestures. He is giving to you the way he receives. He goes straight for genital sexual touch without the slightest build up because that is what HE is feeling. He isn't thinking about what you might be feeling and that it might be different.

If you want to save your marriage you need to completely throw out expectations and start teaching him exactly what you want him to do.

Print out your list, have him read it, then discuss it.

My husband is now doing everything I've ever wanted him to do because he decided that meeting my needs was less painful and foreign to him than being single again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sarah...if you stick around for awhile you will see that some if the regulars here have posted what amounts to a book of info about their situations so some of us know each other's stories quite well by now. Keep reading and you will see what I mean.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I've got two books worth. 

I'm a talker. lol


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I wish my wife was receptive to my affection....

Over the past 22 years, 

I was ALWAYS the first to say I Love You.

I would write love notes with a marker on the bathroom mirror.

I was the first to initiate kisses... Hold hands.....

I bought little gifts all the time...the first 10 years or so...

I would light candles.

Wife never cared much for foreplay.... She wanted sex over with ASAP... That's the feeling I got...

She never cared for that 10 second kiss when leaving for work....2 seconds was enough for her.

I was and still am the one who vacuums... In 20 years, my wife probably vacuums once a year..

If I am home, I cook dinner. (Not counting the last 2 months.)

I do most all the laundry. (Not counting the last two months)

I always take out the trash

I usually do the dishes before bed..


I can go on here...

Sarah-

I wish so much it was as easy as you say... The last 4 years have been hell trying to improve my marriage. 

I have come to realize that my wife has platonic love for me... She is happy as long as we live and stay together for companionship and to coparent... Her needs are met...

She will comply with sex, but let's me know she is doing me a favor...We haven't had sex in 2 months now and I s!eep in the other room... My wife seems happier now...imagine that!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yep, what a lot of guys here have experienced is that they can do everything on your list and more and still wont get a BJ. In fact many are shut down at the showing affection stage. And so they might be a little skeptical, because they've also heard from their wife "if only you would _____, I would want sex more." Yeah, didn't happen. 

If you are serious and that's all you need to get you going sexually then your husband is a fool. But experience tells me you will stick around and let him take and take while you give more and more.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening I don't Know
I don't think I agree. I've seen posters of both genders complaining about this problem. Its quite possible that the OP WOULD be all over her husband if only he would show some sign of real affection and love.

You are right though that some people claim that all they need is affection and then they will want sex - but when the affection happens, they still don't want sex, and want something else.



I Don't Know said:


> Yep, what a lot of guys here have experienced is that they can do everything on your list and more and still wont get a BJ. In fact many are shut down at the showing affection stage. And so they might be a little skeptical, because they've also heard from their wife "if only you would _____, I would want sex more." Yeah, didn't happen.
> 
> If you are serious and that's all you need to get you going sexually then your husband is a fool. But experience tells me you will stick around and let him take and take while you give more and more.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sarah do you feel that he loves you and cares for you and the family but in his own way. Works hard, gets you the material things you want and in general try to make you happy but in his unique way? Is he kind to you, does what you ask, active in taking care of the house? If so then those may be the way he shows that he loves you. What were his parents like? 

The list is a long one and some things are kind of girly. Not your fault, you expressed your feelings. Would you be open to shortening the list for now with essentials that are things that are less challenging for him? It may also help to let the small things go for now and concentrate on the essentials. Assume that he is not intentionally trying to piss you off. Be consistent and firm in a loving way. His approach to sex is crude and frustrating for you. He probably thinks that you are refusing him out of spite? 

I think this is were consistency and loving firmness comes in. When he forgets what you ask, repeat it. " I do want to have sex and enjoy loving you but i can't if you ... I am willing to do the things you enjoy just the way you want them but I'd like you to do the same for me. Then we can both have fun. Can you do that?" Say the same every time and don't get angry. Just assume his intentions are benign, if a little too abrupt for your tastes. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening I don't Know
> I don't think I agree. I've seen posters of both genders complaining about this problem. Its quite possible that the OP WOULD be all over her husband if only he would show some sign of real affection and love.
> 
> You are right though that some people claim that all they need is affection and then they will want sex - but when the affection happens, they still don't want sex, and want something else.


Absolutely right. I didn't mean to imply that the OP is this way. I just wanted her to know that IF she is doubted by some posters, there's a reason.

The last part of my post was actually thinking about CuriousWife and that the OP reminds me somewhat of both her and my wife. She sounds like a giver who is in a relationship with a taker. (In my wifes case I hope I'm speaking only of my wife's exH and not myself )


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> . There was a study released this week about women's need for emotional intimacy and security in order to raise their desire, not just a simple hormone fix (like Viagra for men). That's what I was trying to get at.


But still MOST husband would take off from work for their wife's surgery without question. Your guy is a little harder case.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> This may sound like motivating by fear and partners would much rather try to motivate their spouse by simply being positive. In reality this is more of a function of self worth and this is example of someone communicating that she is worthy of being loved and she is willing to fight for it!
> 
> It is not the list, but more so in how you communicate to your partner that you are worthy of being loved. You can not always demand it or force it, but it seems as though one always has to fight for it and defend it.


Just to be clear, it wasn't an ultimatum but a declaration after many years of doing everything I could think of to not have those needs in the first place, followed by years of allowing him to minimize those needs, followed by 2-3 years of straight up saying this is what I need and want from you and still him not getting it. Finally I was done with trying and we discussed divorce. That's when he realized meeting my needs for loving affection and declarations and romantic gestures would be less painful then being single.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Just to be clear, it wasn't an ultimatum but a declaration after many years of doing everything I could think of to not have those needs in the first place, followed by years of allowing him to minimize those needs, followed by 2-3 years of straight up saying this is what I need and want from you and still him not getting it. Finally I was done with trying and we discussed divorce. *That's when he realized meeting my needs for loving affection and declarations and romantic gestures would be less painful then being single*.


In other words.. he got a wake-up call. That was when he finally realized that he could not dismiss and ignore you and still have you in his life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I've honestly never heard of a really bad case of a sexual mistmatched marriage that got better WITHOUT one partner literally having one foot out the door and truly ready to follow through with leaving.

And I've heard of plenty of bad cases where one spouse did have one foot out the door, and the other spouse eventually just said "ok go ahead and walk".

In cases where you are asking the spouse to change their nature, and Anon's is a case like this, it really is just up to the spouse being asked to change if they want to put forth the TREMENDOUS effort it will require for them to make those changes. Anon's H wasn't holding back the things Anon wanted because he was punishing her or because she didn't fold towels correctly. He was holding them back mostly because he is not naturally affectionate (verbally or physically) and because he did not see the value of the type of affection Anon needed AND he didn't desire those things for himself...asking him to provide what she needed was actually similar to asking him to either learn to play the violin like a pro, and learn it quickly, or I'm outta here. It is THAT hard for someone to change their spots.

There is a difference between Anon's type of case, and a case where one or both spouses are holding back things due to resentment, or they really are punishing each other, or they really do have a higher sexual temperature but they are withholding for x, y, z reasons. If the sex and affection problem is due to two spouses who are holding back in one way or another but generally speaking, they both actually do want sex and/or affection (just maybe not with each other), this type of problem is actually easier to solve. Because these spouses do "have it in them".

If they don't "have it in them", this is very difficult.

Kudos to Anon's H for taking on the feat of "getting it in him". It wasn't in him before, he's trying to get it. This is possibly the hardest type of changes to make.

Anon sure must be special.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I surely am!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband is now doing everything I've ever wanted him to do because he decided that meeting my needs was less painful and foreign to him than being single again.


I will agree this is fear of being single. That was when my wife complied with sex 2-3 times a week...I wanted more romance... I wanted the hugs... Her response was..."we have sex 3X a week... What more do you want. Do you really need hugs?"


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I've honestly never heard of a really bad case of a sexual mistmatched marriage that got better WITHOUT one partner literally having one foot out the door and truly ready to follow through with leaving.
> 
> In cases where you are asking the spouse to change their nature, and Anon's is a case like this, it really is just up to the spouse being asked to change if they want to put forth the TREMENDOUS effort it will require for them to make those changes. Anon's H wasn't holding back the things Anon wanted because he was punishing her or because she didn't fold towels correctly. He was holding them back mostly because he is not naturally affectionate (verbally or physically) and because he did not see the value of the type of affection Anon needed AND he didn't desire those things for himself...asking him to provide what she needed was actually similar to asking him to either learn to play the violin like a pro, and learn it quickly, or I'm outta here. It is THAT hard for someone to change their spots.
> 
> Anon sure must be special.



I think this is the reason why I haven't left...My wife has never ever been the sexual affectionate type. After 17 years of accepting it the way it was, I expected her to change... It may not be possible for her to do that...ever... She loves me in her way...I like how you explained it FW...My wife said she could hug me if that is what I really wanted...She just said it would be unnatural for her...

Sarah,

your husband may be similar... It may not be in his nature to give you the intimacy you crave... It doesn't mean he doesn't love you...

Sarah-

What ways does your husband show you that he loves you?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I have done pretty much everything in the list. I cook dinner every weekday for for my wife and kids, I do the dishes, I drive them to gymnastics and friends house when I can. I clean up messes when I see them. I also help my wife cook on weekends and take care of the dishes. 
I listen to her talk about her day at work without interrupting her.
I cuddle with her every night while we relax after putting the kids to bed and usually give her a back rub or neck massage.
I must admit though, the cuddling and massages just started again in the last few months. I even declined sex one night just to cuddle(she was more than ok with that)
I have brought her flowers quite a bit lately and I always hug and kiss her before work and while working around the house. When it snows I get up a little early and brush her truck off for her and shovel a path for her(I have always done this, even when in roommate status). 
I noticed that once I started being more attentive to her emotional needs hugging, cuddling, listening more) our sex life has greatly improved. I'm actually texting her as I type this as she is out of town.
She has initiated not just sex but physical contact. I find I really enjoy it(not quite as much as sex but damn close) I will walk by and just randomly kiss her neck or give her a playful slap on the a$$ and she is happy almost all the time now(a far cry from a few months ago) I have a feeling when she gets back home I'm in for a great night. 
Ok, enough rambling on. Most of the things on your list made no difference in our intimacy. The listening, hugging and I love you made a huge difference. The Mose I say and do these things, the more I WANT to do them.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I wish my wife was receptive to my affection....
> 
> Over the past 22 years,
> 
> ...


In relationships in general I think it is very common that men do the initiating and romancing most of the time.

Women in general want to feel desired, so they don't get much enjoyment from initiating affection and/or sex.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks for all you varied responses. It's educating to learn about other's situations. Everyone is unique but there are certainly similarities. By the way, the "list" I provided was not meant to be fulfilled in full every day - that would be over the top. I meant, if he did one of those things daily - even weekly - I would be happy - or at least much happier. I know that I need to be more assertive in communicating my needs and I work on that. He is never going to be the cuddly type and I accepted that when I married him, I wasn't blind and am old enough (47) to know that I can't change someone. 
A couple of people suggested he finds ways to show me he loves me that perhaps I don't notice. Yes, he takes care of my car when I ask. He used to wash it without asking, but that stopped. He fixes things around the house - when I ask he gets right to it. Ummmm.....that would be the list I guess. 
He was much more affectionate in the beginning. Again, never a big cuddler or PDAs but he would put his hand on my leg when driving, for example. He would tickle my back to wake me up in the morning (not as a start for sex necessarily), he would hold out his arms to hug me (on occasion), he would call me at work during the day to check in, he would be all over checking my car, washing it, etc. without me saying a word. It may be a catch-22. Then, I was also much more sexually attentive to his needs so did that make him more affectionate and attentive? 
Perhaps I need to do a test.....before I jump to the divorce threatening (which would mean I would actually need to be ready to walk out the door - I don't believe in empty threats). I could try being very sexual for a couple of weeks and see if that ups his game. Respond with enthusiasm to any displays from him. The problem will be warming myself up enough to be "ready" if you get my drift. With no foreplay, that's a bit tough for a woman. I'll let you know how this goes.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Being very sexual does not have to mean no foreplay.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Being very sexual does not have to mean no foreplay.


I'll go one step further. Being very sexual generally means MORE foreplay.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> Thanks for all you varied responses. It's educating to learn about other's situations. Everyone is unique but there are certainly similarities. By the way, the "list" I provided was not meant to be fulfilled in full every day - that would be over the top. I meant, if he did one of those things daily - even weekly - I would be happy - or at least much happier. I know that I need to be more assertive in communicating my needs and I work on that. He is never going to be the cuddly type and I accepted that when I married him, I wasn't blind and am old enough (47) to know that I can't change someone.
> A couple of people suggested he finds ways to show me he loves me that perhaps I don't notice. Yes, he takes care of my car when I ask. He used to wash it without asking, but that stopped. He fixes things around the house - when I ask he gets right to it. Ummmm.....that would be the list I guess.
> He was much more affectionate in the beginning. Again, never a big cuddler or PDAs but he would put his hand on my leg when driving, for example. He would tickle my back to wake me up in the morning (not as a start for sex necessarily), he would hold out his arms to hug me (on occasion), he would call me at work during the day to check in, he would be all over checking my car, washing it, etc. without me saying a word. It may be a catch-22. Then, I was also much more sexually attentive to his needs so did that make him more affectionate and attentive?
> Perhaps I need to do a test.....before I jump to the divorce threatening (which would mean I would actually need to be ready to walk out the door - I don't believe in empty threats). I could try being very sexual for a couple of weeks and see if that ups his game. Respond with enthusiasm to any displays from him. The problem will be warming myself up enough to be "ready" if you get my drift. With no foreplay, that's a bit tough for a woman. I'll let you know how this goes.


I don't think being more sexual in your case will get you what you want (more affection.) I think you need to "train" him to do the things on your list. When you are in the car together and he has a free hand, place it on your thigh and hold it there. Then smile at him when he looks over. When he comes home, go right to him, give him a kiss and tell him it's good to see him. Do it every day until he gets that this is the new routine - you greet each other affectionately first thing when you come home. When he shoves his hands down your pants, gently take it out, place it on your cheek and give him a gentle kiss. SHOW him in that moment what you want differently.

Complaining about what somebody doesn't do doesn't motivate them to do it. Telling them in a positive, calm, specific manner what you DO want and then rewarding them for every little move they make towards fulfilling that request is the way to get them to change. 

And giving them a big list can be overwhelming so pick one thing at a time.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I believe often times it comes down to projection. I (like I'm guessing a lot of other guys) would be more than happy if my partner dove right for my penis. Holding hands, sweet nothings, flowers etc. while they might feel good don't turn me on to sex. So my inclination is to try to turn her on the way I would get turned on. My partner is much like the OP in that that is not how she gets turned on though. It's hard to get through a thick skull like mine. Luckily for me my partner is patient and clear in her communication.

I think the key is communication. And by communication I don't just mean talking. If a person is not actively listening then the other person talking is just background noise. That's why we see that a lot of times we don't see action until one party has one foot out the door. For some it's only at that point that some active listening may actually take place.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> Why do men complain about a lack of sex so much? I am a wife who is starving for affection and attention (and sex, although my husband would likely argue that I never want sex - so completely untrue). If my man just did any ONE of the below he would get a BJ and/or anything else he wanted every single day. And how much time in his day do they take? Anywhere from 2 seconds to 10 minutes tops. His BJ would be longer. Why is this SO hard to understand? And I've tried to explain it and show it by example, time and time again....
> 
> Here's the list (although certainly not inclusive):
> 1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up. (I would be jumping up to making him coffee/breakfast - that is if I wasn't jumping him first)
> ...



Love all your advice.:smthumbup:

Now I have done all the above and since my wifee is LD.......doesn't make much of a sexual difference for her.

She still can go weeks of zero sex and physicality.

She usually never initiates.

Never talks dirty.

No adventurous sex, vanilla.


All week long I have been texting my wifee with my new iphone 6.....sexy texts.....miss you......how is your day.......love you, etc. After she gets home from work, I've already done some chores so there really isn't much for her to do. I give her a hug and cuddle on the couch. When I kiss her, I gently hold her cheek and kiss her for 5 seconds.....no rush.......she is now telling me, no more. I am cuddled out and no more affection, so she is on her laptop and watching tv. I am upstairs, sexually starved and going to bed not happy. She doesn't work Friday, I do, and no sex Thursday night or before work Friday morning. If I want sex, I have to let her know, and she will say maybe later.......usually doesn't happen though......that is a LD spouse for yah.



You sound like the ideal wifee.:smthumbup:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I shouldn't complain then. My wife has found the best way to avoid sex, EVER. No laptop or iPad involved: 

Work your a$$ out (or appear to) for work and house and exercise as well to guarantee you're exhausted at night so you can sleep within 5 minutes. F asked about sex (rarely) she has the ready (and reasonable) excuse that I don't help around the house.

I don't mind helping but her idea of any house work (or work in general) is based on the "work expands to fill time available". Since there are seVeral TVs in the house she can work and watch TV at the same time so...


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I think the key is communication. And by communication I don't just mean talking. If a person is not actively listening then the other person talking is just background noise. That's why we see that *a lot of times we don't see action until one party has one foot out the door*. For some it's only at that point that some active listening may actually take place.


A headlights in the driveway moment is how I refer to that instant of time when my wife finally understood that I was not sticking around in a sexless marriage. Up until that moment, I guess she thought it was just my problem, but seeing my foot out the door is what it took to convince her it was really our problem.

Don't get me wrong: every bit of the great restorative effort I had done before that point was 100% necessary. It would not have been possible to "skip over" all that and proceed directly to the "foot out the door" stage. But I do believe that had I not put our entire marriage on the line, she would not have been willing to change.

I have read a couple stories here of people (mostly men in sexless marriages) who have done alot of great stuff, but have stopped just short of the "foot out the door" stage. I wonder if they *had* taken this ultimate step, and risked ending the marriage, would they now be better off, either way, happily married to the same, or to a more compatible spouse?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

The part that gets me is that when I read lists on this forum of things a man should and shouldn't do for their wife, I always had more on the list of good things that i was doing rather than the bad, yet, I'm still divorced. 

I always dive into one of these threads thinking I will learn what i should have done, and more times than not, I find myself looking at the good list and thinking, "Oh yes, I did that, and that, and that." 

Relationships sure are a puzzle.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

southbound said:


> The part that gets me is that when I read lists on this forum of things a man should and shouldn't do for their wife, I always had more on the list of good things that i was doing rather than the bad, yet, I'm still divorced.
> 
> I always dive into one of these threads thinking I will learn what i should have done, and more times than not, I find myself looking at the good list and thinking, "Oh yes, I did that, and that, and that."
> 
> Relationships sure are a puzzle.


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

southbound said:


> The part that gets me is that when I read lists on this forum of things a man should and shouldn't do for their wife, I always had more on the list of good things that i was doing rather than the bad, yet, I'm still divorced.
> 
> I always dive into one of these threads thinking I will learn what i should have done, and more times than not, I find myself looking at the good list and thinking, "Oh yes, I did that, and that, and that."
> 
> Relationships sure are a puzzle.


Yes they are a puzzle.

You either completely missed what your wife's love language is or she is just not marriage material. If you were missing it, it was her responsibility to communicate that to you so that you could meet her needs.

Women are always told that all they have to do is to have hot sex all the time with their husband and he will do anything she wants. Well, I can tell you that there are a lot of men for whom this does not work. 

You married the wrong women for you just as I married the wrong man for me.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> Yes, absolutely. And no, it doesn't solve the problem. Then it seems even worse. Like, if I'm doing this for him, then all is good and he doesn't need to put in any effort.
> 
> Also, he doesn't really enjoy receiving without giving, it makes him uncomfortable (this has never been my experience in the past, thought it was great at first). I would actually love to give more BJs for those times when he hasn't "warmed me up" and I STILL feel like giving. And hoping for exactly what you've suggested as a result. But he insists on full sex or him doing me first, before he gets a BJ. Which I'm not in the mood for until I've received some attention/affection first. So it makes me not initiate the blow job. Weird little catch-22 right?



I had to come back to this post...

My wife is defiantly LD. Many times we would have sex for my 
Pleasure only... I didn't like it. 

Like your husband, I feel bad if I receive and dont give. I want to give first. Maybe it's an ego thing. Dunno

My wife didn't like givin me oral anyway. So the sooner i went down on her enough to turn me on, she wanted PIV. I totally enjoyed giving her oral. I like giving more than receiving.

I just wanted her to enjoy it as well...

I wish she would communicate that wanted to pleasure me more than she wanted to b e pleasured.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Wow if doing things on that list would get me a BJ (has not happened in 14 years of marriage) 

I would be doing at least one of those things daily. 
Maybe he has just had it to good and has become lazy?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Yes they are a puzzle.
> 
> You either completely missed what your wife's love language is or she is just not marriage material. If you were missing it, it was her responsibility to communicate that to you so that you could meet her needs.
> 
> ...


The thing is, I never even heard of this "love language" stuff when I was married. All I knew how to do was just be myself. 

I must say, I think hot sex would have had me eating out of her hand, and i tried to communicate that, but she never cared. She always wanted to make it seem weird that I would want sex on a regular basis. She casually mentioned once that she wondered if I looked at other women on tv or computer and got myself fired up to want sex all the time. That was a very strange statement to me. Could it not be that I just wanted my wife? What is so weird aboput that?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

One question I have for an LD person...

Wbetherci am horny or not, I think sex is fun... Its an awesome past time. I would rather make out than watchvt.v anytime.

Does an LD person just want to have sex for fun?

If it's been a week since the last time...two weeks.... a month....two months...

is sex fun, horny or not?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Trickster said:


> One question I have for an LD person...
> 
> Wbetherci am horny or not, I think sex is fun... Its an awesome past time. I would rather make out than watchvt.v anytime.
> 
> ...


That's a good question. I was not LD in my marriage. I don't thing I would call myself HD either, just average; however, you hit it on the head for me; I always thought sex was fun whether i was insanely horny or not. I would put it above other activities as far as enjoyment. 

I suppose sex is the one thing that my x wife could have used to get me to go in her direction. If I had had a day of activities planned with the guys, for example, and my x had said, "honey, why don't we just spend the day together naked?" I would have called the guys and they could have found other activities. Not because I was a sex maniac, but it is one of the most pleasurable, fun activities I can think of. It was never a dread for me, and it was more fun than most anything else I could think of. Sadly, she never tried that.

I made the incorrect assumption in my youth that everybody liked sex on some regular basis in a marriage.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Trickster said:


> One question I have for an LD person...
> 
> Wbetherci am horny or not, I think sex is fun... Its an awesome past time. I would rather make out than watchvt.v anytime.
> 
> ...


As an LD person, sex is fun, like going on a vacation. However, you don't go on a vacation everyday because it loses its novelty. So we like it less frequently. I don't like sex when I'm not horny because it turns what is fun into a job to do for hubby else he feels rejected.

Is eating your favorite foods more satisfying when you are hungry or not? If you are forced to eat when you are not hungry, doesn't it kill the enjoyment?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> As an LD person, sex is fun, like going on a vacation. However, you don't go on a vacation everyday because it loses its novelty. So we like it less frequently. I don't like sex when I'm not horny because it turns what is fun into a job to do for hubby else he feels rejected.
> 
> Is eating your favorite foods more satisfying when you are hungry or not? If you are forced to eat when you are not hungry, doesn't it kill the enjoyment?


Sex is like Jello. There's always room.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

techmom said:


> As an LD person, sex is fun, like going on a vacation. However, you don't go on a vacation everyday because it loses its novelty. So we like it less frequently. I don't like sex when I'm not horny because it turns what is fun into a job to do for hubby else he feels rejected.
> 
> Is eating your favorite foods more satisfying when you are hungry or not? If you are forced to eat when you are not hungry, doesn't it kill the enjoyment?


I have many favorite foods, most people vacation in many different places. There are like a hundred different sexual positions to try to keep sex interesting, many different rooms in the house, different appliances, new techniques to practice with to perfect the sexual experience. Even if the perfect routine was found, I would still want to practice other positions

I love to cook, I like to use a recipe, but I also create new dishes, new recipes... Sometimes the new dish doesn't turn out like I expect, so I tweak it the next time... Sex is the same.... Each new position, technique, or spice we add needs to be tried and practice makes perfect...

The only dish my wife make is stir fry...Chicken, teriyaki, and mixed veggies ( broccoli cauliflower mix)... No deviation, no extra anything... The sex is the same...nothing extra... Of course she doesn't like it... She doesn't even like her stir fry, but it's easy...


Both people have to want to the same thing. It shouldnt be a job... Nobody should have to try or force themself to have sex...here are so many things I want to attempt sexually... My wife makes it seem so awkward that it doesn't work. A self-fullfilling prophesy...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Trickster said:


> I have many favorite foods, most people vacation in many different places. There are like a hundred different sexual positions to try to keep sex interesting, many different rooms in the house, different appliances, new techniques to practice with to perfect the sexual experience. Even if the perfect routine was found, I would still want to practice other positions
> 
> I love to cook, I like to use a recipe, but I also create new dishes, new recipes... Sometimes the new dish doesn't turn out like I expect, so I tweak it the next time... Sex is the same.... Each new position, technique, or spice we add needs to be tried and practice makes perfect...
> 
> ...


I agree. The problem with the analogy of comparing sex with eating your favorite food too often is that for a lot of people, sex isn't just some base physical need. For me, sex is something that brings me closer emotionally to my spouse. This isn't something that I consider a novelty. It's something I consider a marital need.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Sex is like Jello. There's always room.


This is so true and you rock Fozzy!&#55357;&#56841;&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

techmom said:


> As an LD person, sex is fun, like going on a vacation. However, you don't go on a vacation everyday because it loses its novelty. So we like it less frequently. I don't like sex when I'm not horny because it turns what is fun into a job to do for hubby else he feels rejected.
> 
> Is eating your favorite foods more satisfying when you are hungry or not? If you are forced to eat when you are not hungry, doesn't it kill the enjoyment?


I think sex is like exercise and eating well. The more you do it the better you get at it and you get healthier as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I agree. The problem with the analogy of comparing sex with eating your favorite food too often is that for a lot of people, sex isn't just some base physical need. For me, sex is something that brings me closer emotionally to my spouse. This isn't something that I consider a novelty. It's something I consider a marital need.


Definitely agree


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Doesn't true libido start in the mind?

We have to want sex in our mind first...

OMG... Sex is on my mind all the time more so now that we haven't had sex in two months...


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

I know I'm a little late to the party, but OP: All those things you listed, you mean to tell me this isn't normal to do these things? I do almost each of those daily, and have done them all in some capacity and frequency. Sometimes I think I've desensitized her to these things...not that she doesn't show appreciation, I just definitely do not get the eyes-popping-in-the-shape-of-hearts reaction you describe that you would give.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Sarah

Great list. However i dont think it works for all women especially those who seem a bit tired and run down.

I give my wife hugs and tell her I love you 
I give her massages without expectations of anything 
I help her with dinner, trash and running errands
We eat together and have a date day and eat lunch together
I have sent her text messaging 
I have held her hand 
I work out and I am in great shape and so is she 
I give her hugs in the morning and before I leave and when I see her
I sit with her on sofa under blanket , rub her feet and watch tv with her 
I listen to her concerns and feelings about the world and her life
I plan trips and cool things to do ..

I have not had a blowjob in 6 months
I have had sex one time in the last 5 months 

So I think your list is great, however there are some women that 
frankly have other issues. At night when she lays down she mainly wants to sleep, and in the morning ...

I have even tried planning a date and having discussions with her directly about how we can work together and it just makes her feel pressure, I think she has other issues..

Anyways thanks.. Perhaps you should coach my wife on what constitutes - sex and affection . I like your list and sure wish it worked because I would not be on this forum


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Good list, to guage yourself as a husband.

I personally adhere to #4 and #6 very well.

the others I usually adhere to at least partially.
example:, I always kiss her good morning and good night (good tongue kiss, not a peck), but not always with an 'I love you'.

however, as far as it goes, it seems a number of poor blokes within these walls have tried these things and more and still get the cold shoulder.

so, while your list is a good one, the OP premise is not quite applicable
(I.e., if only men did this).

as john sometimes puts it, might work for normal types, otherwise all bets are off.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

0 of 12. Maybe I should join the UCLA basketball team :lol:

View attachment 31370


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I'm a bit late here and I haven't read all of the posts. I think the men here that do all of the sweet gestures and get nothing in return are the exception to the rule. Most guys don't care after the courting is over. To be fair, women tend to be the same way regarding sex too after marriage...and looks too. We get caught up in life and family..work and it's all a mends to an end. I feel awful for the men here that do everything and get nothing in return, you deserve better! You are gems.

OP, it seems like your husband doesn't understand how good he has it. He doesn't want to earn you because you are already married, so why bother anymore? If he wasn't always this way, I think he might come around. Maybe it's stress from other things like work or family life..or both. I think in marriage, it's important to still earn each other. 

I'm not sure what advice to give you other than be patient and see what the deeper issue is. How long have you been married? 

Like you are saying, for women sex starts in our minds. To be ready for sex at night, it's an all day thing. Honestly, he should be happy to do this. Maybe not everyday, but the small things add up. The bad things add up too, then the resentment starts and that is hard to get past. It took me a good year.

My husband was the same way, he didn't understand the concept of foreplay. He said that I should just be ready like he is, he had no idea about how women work. It seems to be the same way with your husband. He would also get upset if I looked like I was terrified or wasn't into it. He was very impatient and just expects to get everything quickly. He would judge me against women he saw in movies. He didn't understand that it isn't real.

I explained things to him and he just brushed it off and said other women are just ready all the time, there is something wrong with you. This went on for years, and finally he read something online that said the exact things that I was saying. It was science, so it must be true and also articles on daily mail. So reading it from someone else and not me made more sense to him. 

It's very annoying that we wasted all of that time because he thought it was all in my head. But at least it didn't take 15 years. He did do nice things a lot but as far as wanted me to be pleased with sex, I should like whatever he is doing. We can't afford for him to bring me flowers or go out to dinner, but he does things that he knows that I like and he says things that are so sweet. He wants to make things right and that make all the difference. I'm happy to do whatever he wants, sex isn't and shouldn't be chore.

I hope you can get through to him or maybe show him articles that are saying what you are telling him too. It helps to see it from the outside...as annoying as that is.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Not sure if you have explained it to him. I am (or seem to be) more loving and caring than your husband. Nonetheless i have been pretty insensitive in the past. 

We men can be quite thick....make your points a subtle as an anvil...that you want him to show you love and effection in non-sexual ways and kiss more... 

good luck!


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm not sure if it is clearly a man/woman thing. As was already noted, when there is at least some sex drive to work with, it seems to be a giver/taker pattern that a lot of couples fall into. 

The more the giver gives the less it is appreciated. 

But for fundemental problems like this, leave the "hints" for dating. This requires upfront, specific discussion and usually repeated discussions (not demands or complaints but discussions) about what you want. Again I don't think it is just men since LD women often claim to be surprised when they are finally contronted with hurt the lack of sex has caused. When you fall into a pattern it is easy to set up blinders


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening tictock33
In many cases you are right, but I think there are also a lot of cases where men want more connect, more intimacy, not just sex. 

From my point of view, sex, as in just pounding away, is pretty dull. If I just want to get off, why bother with another person at all when god gave me hands.

It is the interaction with the other person that makes sex and intimacy fun. I like the long buildup during the day - touches and stolen kisses in the elevator. Hints and teases. Coded naughty emails at work. 

Strangely my wife sort of separates sex from intimacy. Will plan on sex after she finishes some chores - rather than have it be spontaneous and unplanned.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> Why do men complain about a lack of sex so much? I am a wife who is starving for affection and attention (and sex, although my husband would likely argue that I never want sex - so completely untrue). *If my man just did any ONE of the below he would get a BJ and/or anything else he wanted every single day.* And how much time in his day do they take? Anywhere from 2 seconds to 10 minutes tops. His BJ would be longer. Why is this SO hard to understand? And I've tried to explain it and show it by example, time and time again....
> 
> Here's the list (although certainly not inclusive):
> 
> ....... *Men don't know how good they have it and how easy it is to warm a woman up and have sex all the time*!


I do many of the things on your list and my LD wife would sooner slit her wrists that give me (or even George Clooney) a BJ. I have asked, many times and even demanded years ago, but it is too gross for my wife to ever do, even though early in our marriage she promised she would. It has never happened and never will.

Some women (and men) are just not that interesting in sex. 

I have had my wife tell me not to touch her down there as it would make her want to have sex.:scratchhead: Yes i regularly bring her to orgasm.

I have had her tell me its just not that important to her, but she knows it is important to me, but can't figure out why.

Most mornings I rub her back. bring her coffee, lay in bed with her while we wake up, talk about her day, greet her when she comes home, ask about her day, help her make dinner while we talk, do the dishes while she relaxes, bring her an after dinner drink and talk more about our days. 

My wife is an act of service and quality time love language person. I go out of my way to perform acts of service for her and provider her with quality time. She tells me she feels so loved and cherished by what I do for her and she appreciates it so much. She still struggles to have sex with me twice a week, but understands its importance.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> Why do men complain about a lack of sex so much?
> 
> ...If my man just did any ONE of the below he would get a BJ and/or anything else he wanted....
> 
> ...Why is this SO hard to understand? And I've tried to explain it and show it by example, time and time again....


Old post, but it does illustrate just how baffling the LD mindset is to people with normal and high drives.

"What's so hard to understand about a very simple cause and effect?" They ask. 

"Take care of your spouse's needs and they'll take care of yours." They say.​
But it doesn't work that way.

As long as the HD partner is being stoic about it, LD people are often fairly happy. They may even believe they have idyllic, picturesque marriages and that their spouse is fine man or a wonderful woman. 

Why shouldn't they? When their spouse is not busy shoveling coal into the imaginary furnace, they're laying awake at night wondering what else they could do to melt the glacier.

Even today, after 41 years of marriage Mrs. Ocotillo and I still have conversations that go roughly like this:

*Her: *"I don't know how you managed. You should have told me." 

*Me:* "--Seems like we talked about it every few months."

*Her:* "Did we? I don't remember...."​:banghead:


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> He was much more affectionate in the beginning. Again, never a big cuddler or PDAs but he would put his hand on my leg when driving, for example. He would tickle my back to wake me up in the morning (not as a start for sex necessarily), he would hold out his arms to hug me (on occasion), he would call me at work during the day to check in, he would be all over checking my car, washing it, etc. without me saying a word. It may be a catch-22. *Then, I was also much more sexually attentive to his needs so did that make him more affectionate and attentive?*


Yes, old post, but very interesting... I picked this out of everything... I think you have your answer there...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Last night I made dinner for the family and washed the dishes. I also gave my wife a foot rub before bed. This morning, I grabbed her as she was getting out of the shower (I was on my way out the door for work), gave her a hug and a long kiss and told her I loved her.
> 
> 
> I'll be sure to report back when I get that BJ.


This makes very little sense to me. One evening is to set the tenor for the next? What about the rest of the days in between? How have those been?


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