# 16 years and struggling; when do you stop trying



## gunn (May 14, 2017)

Shortened version at the end. 

I married my wife 16 years ago. We are now in our late 30’s. Our marriage hasn’t been a cake walk and we have had ups, and a lot of downs. To be frank, I’m surprised we are still married. It feels like we have spent more time in therapist offices than our home. 

The first two years of our marriage were bliss. We were fresh out of college, going through the motions of being adults and we had no real problems. We didn’t have to put any effort into our marriage, and always heard the first year is the hardest so we naively thought our marriage was going to be perfect. 

Our problems started 2 years into our marriage when we decided to start trying to get pregnant. After about a year of trying with no luck things started to get very technical and only focused on getting pregnant. Sex became a chore and the fun and romance was gone. It was the start to us realizing we were not immune to problems. My wife reacted terribly to fertility treatments and we had to stop. 

Going into our 4th year of marriage we moved to a new city away from friends and family. We both started new jobs and we grew distant from each other. We both let ourselves go a little bit and gained some weight, stopped focusing on our relationship. We fought over everything and I can honestly say that we hated each other. We had never learned how to focus on our relationship. We started marital counselling, took better care of ourselves and things started getting better. It took about a year to get things back on track and be a happy couple again. 

For about 2 years’ things were going well for us and after not success at getting pregnant we decided to adopt. We were matched with a birth mother very quickly, the same month that we finished our file. The birth mother was due in 6 weeks and there were no red flags. We anxiously awaited and prepared for the arrival of that baby. Leading up to the birth there were still no red flags, however after the birth the birth mother decided to parent. It crushed us. We knew a failed adoption was a possibility but the reality was far worse. Two weeks later we had another match and it happened so quickly that we didn’t have time to process what had happened. Long story short, we had two failed adoptions in 3 months. It was something that we didn’t process until after the second failed adoption. Our marriage started struggling again and we decided not to try and adopt again. We started fighting again and we had a dark patch of being quite hurtful to one another. We went back to marital counselling and worked through it. We had a few months of happiness before our marriage blew up again.

We thought things had been as bad as they possibly could be. We had closed the door on adopting and tried to stop thinking about getting pregnant. We had settled into our careers and lifestyle and thought there was nothing else that could be thrown at us. 8 years into our marriage my wife was raped and it blew up our marriage. Every dark time we had been through up until that point felt like nothing in comparison. It is something that permanently affects our marriage and unlike everything else isn’t something that we can forget and move on from. 

It is something that we don’t talk about a lot and is a secret from many people that we know. My wife became pregnant because of the assault. It nearly destroyed us as individuals and as a couple. We had been trying for 6 years to conceive a child and hadn’t had so much as a false positive. It felt like some cruel joke the universe was throwing at us. After dealing with infertility for so long and so desperately wanting a child my wife wasn’t able to go through with an abortion. I wanted my wife to have an abortion. As I saw it, I didn’t want her having a rapist’s baby. Now that child is the light of my life. 

My wife went ahead with pressing charges against the man who raped her. We live in a state that allows rapists to have parental rights to their children that they fathered during a rape. It’s something that we had no knowledge of and didn’t ever expect, to be told you must allow a rapist around your child. For the first 3 years of our child’s life they had a rapist listed as their father and was forced to see him 3 hours a month. There is nothing worse than handing over your child to a rapist. We were living in a nightmare. We did have it overturned and the rapist lost his parental rights. The scars will always be there, thankfully our child has no memory of it. Those 3 years were hell on our marriage and we separated twice, for 3 and 5 months. When we were living under the same roof nothing resembled a married couple and we were essentially separated but living together. I don’t know how we ever came out on the other side. We were in counselling for those 3 years, and 2 years afterwards to get our marriage back together. During that time I had an affair that was on and off for 9 months. It added to overcoming the ****tiest time in our marriage. 

Most of our friends and family don’t know the truth behind our child’s conception and believe it is our biological child. Every once in a while a comment will be made about how much of a miracle our child is, and that has always been a sore spot for both of us but more so my wife. 

8 months ago the company that I work for merged with another company and started making cuts. In order to keep my job I had to take on different hours and work in a different building. I am currently working nights, which has it’s own set of difficulties, and I am working with a single ex-girlfriend. Even though this ex-girlfriend is from a high school relationship 24 years ago, my wife is insecure and jealous. I understand it. I had an affair. She also thinks it would be easier for me to want a fresh start with someone else. I have been applying to other places and trying to get my hours changed. My wife has trouble sleeping because all night she wonders what I’m doing. Being on totally opposite schedules is also taking a toll on our marriage because we can never spend time together and are almost never home at the same time. 

There are other stressors as well. We never really stopped trying to get pregnant and have never succeeded in that. Our family dog who was a very friendly dog recently bit someone and was ordered to be euthanized, even after a medical condition was found. Our child has been going through a phase of being extremely difficult and testing. We have had problem after problem with our house and spent $30,000 on it this year between the furnace breaking, every appliance breaking, roof leak, storm damage and water damage. 

TL;DR
-Married my wife in 2001, have had many downs
-Currently in our late 30’s
-2001 and 2002 were great years for us
-2003 we decided to start trying to get pregnant, never happened
-2004 marriage started suffering while struggling with infertility
-2004 we moved and both started new jobs; became very distant from each other; constantly fought and hated each other.
-2005 spent a year getting our marriage back
-2006 and 2007 were good years for us
-2008 tried to adopt; had two failed adoptions in 3 months; marriage went to **** again
-Had a few good months
-2009 wife was raped and conceived a child
-Live in a state that allows rapists to have parental rights
-2009 to 2012 were absolute hell on us and our marriage
-We separated for 3 months in 2011
-We separated again for 5 months in 2012
-I had an affair in 2012, on and off for 9 months
-2013-14 2 years of MC to get our marriage back
-Eventually, things were good between us
-2016 work hours and location was changed, started working with ex-girlfriend from 24 years ago. Working nights. Marriage is struggling again.

I am at the point of wondering, is this all worth it? My wife fears that I will want to start fresh with someone new, without all the baggage, and sometimes I do think it would be easier. But is the grass always greener on the other side, or greenest where you water it? At what point do you give up and decide the world is against you being together?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The grass is not greener on the other side.

You sound a little depressed.

And please understand I am very sorry for the pain and suffering your wife has gone through. Please understand I do feel compassion for her.

But I think most of your problems are your own worries and insecurities.

Why not just take your wife, your child, and walk away from both of your jobs, get in your car, and drive half way across the country, and start over? Screw the house, the jobs, the past.

What really matters? Stop worrying about the stupid house. If you lose it, so what. The job? Who cares. There are other jobs, so quit that one, and spend time holding your wife.

Oh, you might go bankrupt and lose your house? Again, with the house. People will destroy their marriages over financial security. Screw financial security.

I lost everything when the .com bubble burst. My house, my job, my 401K. I was 50 years old, and we were living out of the car in a campground. But we had each other to hold.

We had been very well off before. But as the saying goes, the more you make the more you spend. You live in that valley, you live fast. When we went north and just sat around the fire cuddling, we still had each other. Sure, someone else was in our nice house. But so what?

You need to focus on what is really important. Maybe just quit your job if it makes your wife feel insecure. That's what I would do. As my wife would say, God will take care of you and provide what you need. If you lose the house, then you must not have actually needed it.

Anyway, focus on your wife and child. Let go of everything else. Live in a damned cardboard box if you have to.

I was out of work for 2 years, but then a good job came along. Mary says see, God took care of us. I think it was because Mary took care of me.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

gunn said:


> *After dealing with infertility for so long and so desperately wanting a child my wife wasn’t able to go through with an abortion. I wanted my wife to have an abortion. As I saw it, I didn’t want her having a rapist’s baby.
> *



Why would she want to have someone else's baby (a rapist!) against your wishes? Was it date rape?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My Gawd!

What a painful story. It cuts to the bone.

Many couples have ups and downs in their marriage. And some have fertility problems, which sometimes leads to divorce. When one leaves the other because of the stress or the desire to have children at all costs.

What was your sperm count? Was it your low count that led to fertility measures?

You had an affair. Shame on you.

Here is the loaded question. Do you think she had a revenge affair and said it was rape? These things happen. She may have encouraged his attention.

Or she teased him along..she wanted and liked the attention. And it went further than she wanted.....another possibility. This matters and yet it does not.

You are in a mess of a marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you love this women and she loves you...a lot, then stay married. If she treats you well, now, and she is happy [for the most part] with you, then stay married.

If the problems persist, the intimacy is gone or faked, then I would move on. 

Too much baggage. Your closet is full of baggage, and so is hers.

De-clutter this marriage at the County Courthouse, get a divorce.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am reminded of a song by Helen Reddy, "you and me against the world". It does sometimes feel as though fate has it in for us does it not? There will always be baggage in any situation. Do you wish to carry your current baggage or assume new baggage which may or may not be lighter than what you carry now. I wish you wisdom as you decide.


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## gunn (May 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> My Gawd!
> 
> What a painful story. It cuts to the bone.
> 
> ...


We know many couples who have struggled with infertility, some are still married and some are not. It caused a lot of pain and resentment, for us. My wife considered leaving, I know that. 

Low morphology and LSC of 4-7/mL, depending on what treatments we tried. After the sperm wash the numbers were cut in half, which isn’t enough to do IUI, though we tried 4x. We were going to try IVF but my wife reacted to the medications and they weren’t able to retrieve eggs. We considered embryo adoption in more recent years, but our relationship has been to up and down to go through with it and now that ship has sailed. 

I know I was in the wrong for having an affair. There are no excuses for that and I'm not going to try and make any. I had an affair, I regret that and own that. 

My wife was raped. She has never had an affair. Without putting out too many personal details, my wife was raped by a stranger when she was walking alone downtown (in a safe city). It was during the daytime and someone noticed and called the police, who showed up afterwards but still caught the man. She didn't tell me about it right away, because she was too ashamed to tell me which has been it's own separate issue.


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## gunn (May 14, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> The grass is not greener on the other side.
> 
> You sound a little depressed.
> 
> ...


The problem I have with throwing away everything is that we have a child to think about. Who needs stability, a home, is in school, has a life here. It's something that we have thought about but it's not something we have implemented.


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## gunn (May 14, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> Why would she want to have someone else's baby (a rapist!) against your wishes? Was it date rape?


I think unless you have been struggling with infertility for years with no success you cannot really understand it. Even being in the situation, I get it but don't fully understand what went through her mind when she made that decision. I saw it as, a rapists baby. She saw it as, her baby. She was right, it was still her child that we would be terminating after we had tried for so long to conceive, fought so hard over. Adoption is something that we were happy to do, and those children could come from the same situation. You can no idea of the genetics of those children, many times. The rapist was a stranger.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

gunn said:


> I think unless you have been struggling with infertility for years with no success you cannot really understand it. Even being in the situation, I get it but don't fully understand what went through her mind when she made that decision. *I saw it as, a rapists baby. She saw it as, her baby.* She was right, it was still her child that we would be terminating after we had tried for so long to conceive, fought so hard over. Adoption is something that we were happy to do, and those children could come from the same situation. You can no idea of the genetics of those children, many times. The rapist was a stranger.


Not many people could do this---->go through what you two have struggled with.

I want to say something about Fate, and Desire and Getting...........

The Universe and all that.

I shouldn't. Some might say it is strangely cold and inappropriate to tread on this sinking ground.

I won't say anything.

Actually, I did....


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Talk to your wife about how you feel. You love her so much but your current situation is emotionally draining. I don't think a new girlfriend will fix anything. It might make you feel good in the short term until those emotions of a new relationship end.

You just need to clean up your life and situation. A lot of people go through mid life crises and this is sort of like that. You sound depressed for sure. If you hate your job, find a new one. Find things to do that make you happy. Talk to your wife about how you feel and maybe she can help lift up the mood in the house and cut you some slack.


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