# Should marriage really be this hard??



## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

My H and I have had our share of lows, I'm talking rock bottom lows. We have definitely contemplated divorse on occasion and have been to several marriage therapists over the years. Is this "normal"? I feel like it is not. I have several happily married friends who have disagreements, but don't have fights to the degree that me and my H do. I'm very envious of their seemingly much easier relationships. Also, is it normal to constantly fantasize about being out of your relationship, with someone else, with a better happier life?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Could explain some of the specifics, like how often you fight, what about, and how long married? Does it ever come to screaming, yelling, violence?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Going just by your post, I'd say this isn't normal. The more compatible you are, the less difficult a relationship tends to be. There is probably some fundamental difference in values, or some major area of incompatibility that can't be resolved (not all issues - or even most issues - can be solved even with compromise).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Married but Happy said:* *Going just by your post, I'd say this isn't normal. The more compatible you are, the less difficult a relationship tends to be. There is probably some fundamental difference in values, or some major area of incompatibility that can't be resolved (not all issues - or even most issues - can be solved even with compromise)*.














> *jorgegene said* : *Could explain some of the specifics, like how often you fight, what about, and how long married? Does it ever come to screaming, yelling, violence?*


 on this subject.. which best fits your dynamics ... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html



> *Volatile*: Erupting Passionate disputes/ arguments
> 
> *Validating*: Fight more politely, calm collaborators, a great mutual respect is shown
> 
> ...


I'm another who pounds the compatibility drum here... the more compatible (on a # of fronts) the smoother the ride.. Love is NOT ENOUGH, Never will be enough.. I learned from my own parents what a train wreck it can be -when a couple bonk heads on what is most important to them, their futures, what brings them personal happiness / fulfillment.. personality types is not so much an issue, can even be an asset if they are opposite .... but these other areas can be a HUGE contention, even if you are healthy minded, a giving person ....if one too many things are in opposition and you both feel passionately... hold on for the ride & hope you survive ! 

I started my Compatibility thread on the realistic notion that *>>* "Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows.... " it's hard enough when EXTERNAL factors beyond our control throw us a monkey wrench (health issues, we struggled with infertility for a time, Job stress, anything!)..having a safe place to fall in our own homes can make or break a person. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

These are 2 wonderful links to touch on these things.. all younger people considering marriage should evaluate each very carefully.. 

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marriage is work in that you can't get complacent - both parties must tend it regularly, keep the fires burning and all that.

But is marriage hard? No. Marriage is wonderful  A good one anyway.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

I posted our specific issues in another thread....basically been married 12 years, 2 small children, we both are active and enjoy doing things together such as biking, skiing, travel, etc. We agree on issues with money, work, kids. He helps a ton with kids and at home. But my family hates him. Early in our marriage I made the mistake of calling my parents when we fought. This was very toxic and when I realized this I stopped, however the damage was done (my family began to dislike H). I wish I could take this back, but I can't. H has also gotten into it with my dad. There was more yelling earlier in our marriage then now. Through therapy we have gotten better at resolving conflict. Never any violence. A few months ago there was a he said she said incident btwn H and my brothers wife (my sister in law). Each claim the other made a pass at them. My family sided with her and basically gave me the choice: them or him. I picked H and fam (for the most part) cut me off. I am depressed from loosening them bc I love them but also mad at them for doing this to me. I find myself constantly wondering: should marriage be this hard?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

All I can say is that in the last situation that you talked about...your H and SIL are lying about that whole situation. Your H came clean though. Your SIL is a known cheater. Your family got really mad at your H but still accept the SIL....

It sounds like you have the basis for a great marriage. You said you agree on money, kids, etc. The bigger issue now is the fact that your parents are involved in your marriage. What kind of arguments is this causing in your marriage? Are you sure you're not just listening to your family telling you that you need to leave him? 

If you've done the work to try and make your marriage work and you just don't love your partner anymore, then it's time to scoot. However, make sure that you're making the decision for yourself and not for your mom and dad.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You are the reason your family hates your husband. You took you marriage vows so you need to honor them and support your husband. How about seeing your family on your own without him? Besides what is going on your family and him it doesn't sound like your marriage is that difficult.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

noentiager said:


> The more compatible you are, the less difficult a relationship tends to be.


Truth.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Sounds less like issues between the two of you and more like issues with you and your family.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree the problem is between you and your family, not you and your husband.

It is not your husbands fault that your family forced you to choose (you made the right choice by the way), and your marriage shouldn't pay the price for that.

How cruel of your parents to force you to make that choice. Not very loving at all - ask yourself, can you honestly imagine yourself putting your child in that heartbreaking position?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Emotional blackmail from your FOO? Doesn't sound like they are worth keeping in touch with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

T1215 said:


> A few months ago there was a he said she said incident btwn H and my brothers wife (my sister in law). Each claim the other made a pass at them. My family sided with her and basically gave me the choice: them or him. I picked H and fam (for the most part) cut me off.


I'm interested to know how this incident came up. Either your husband made a pass at your SIL, or she made a pass at him. My take on it? He has his side, she has her side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. Granted, I could be wrong.

These are serious accusations. To simply bring them up in front of family seems a bit dramatic.

Could you fill in on how this came about?


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

Here is the story I posted in a previous post on the he said she said incident:
My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years and have 2 young children, our main marriage issue over the years being H and my family of origin not getting along (both sides at fault). H has never given me reason to believe he would cheat. However, one evening we were drinking with my brother and his wife (my sister-in-law). Neither me nor H are big drinkers (usually 2 drinks tops), but on this rare occasion I drank to much and passed out. My brother went to bed and H and SIL stayed up drinking by themselves (H has never stayed up with a woman before). Two days later my brother was being downright mean to H, and that night H confessed that SIL hit on him after I passed out. He said that she took her sweatshirt off and grabbed his crotch and said "we could do it in the mud room". Her baby cried and she left to tend to baby. He bolted for the guest room I was sleeping in and came to bed. A few minutes later she came into our room, again grabbed his crotch as he was laying in bed and said "come on". He told her to get out and then heard her yelling at my brother. My husbands story was just so unbelievable (who would grab a man's crotch if he was laying in bed with his wife?). I then got my SIL side of the story. She said that she was hot and took off her sweatshirt, wearing a tight tank top on underneath. H grabbed her boob, saying it was "luscious" (he has used this word with me once or twice, she would not know this). Then she waited a minute b/c she wanted to see what he was going to do next. He took her hand and put it on his crotch and said "we can do it right now". Baby cried, she checked on baby, came back and he was gone. She looked around the house for him, and found him in bed with me. She went to her room, woke my brother and told him everything. I never in a million years thought either one of them would be capable of something like this. My brother told my parents, and of course my parents and brother believe her and they all told me they would never be around my H again and that he is a liar and he is evil. I do know for a fact that SIL cheated on my brother once, maybe 10 years ago, when my brother passed out at a party and she ended up making out with one of his friends. H and I have been going to intensive marital counseling. Our therapist had H take a lie detector test which he passed and therapist told me that they are 95% accurate and I can't doubt H. My dad came to our home recently (even though I begged him not to) to apologize and open the door to healing in our family. H was so mad at him for taking sides and coming over against my wishes that he just blasted off on him. If I stay with H, I loose my family of origin, which hurts so much b/c I love them. Yet, how can I destroy my own family and my children's lives (they adore H and he is a great dad) based on one he-said/she-said incident and the fact that my fam dislikes H? What would you do?


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I agree the problem is between you and your family, not you and your husband.
> 
> It is not your husbands fault that your family forced you to choose (you made the right choice by the way), and your marriage shouldn't pay the price for that.
> 
> How cruel of your parents to force you to make that choice. Not very loving at all - ask yourself, can you honestly imagine yourself putting your child in that heartbreaking position?


I agree, I would never take sides between my kids, no matter how I felt about their significant others!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

T1215 said:


> My dad came to our home recently (even though I begged him not to) to apologize and open the door to healing in our family. H was so mad at him for taking sides and coming over against my wishes that he just blasted off on him. If I stay with H, I loose my family of origin, which hurts so much b/c I love them. Yet, how can I destroy my own family and my children's lives (they adore H and he is a great dad) based on one he-said/she-said incident and the fact that my fam dislikes H? What would you do?


This is an awful situation. I'm very sorry I didn't know your full story prior to this post. You father wants healing. I'm not sure I understand why you didn't want him to come over and proffer the olive branch of peace. Could you explain?

Of course you love your family. I'm just not sure why everyone is pitching tents in opposing camps. 

So I need to ask you this: How dysfunctional is your family? How dysfunctional is your husband's family? All this side-taking sounds pretty drama driven.

To begin with, what happened between your husband and SIL isn't EVERYONE'S business. I'm sorry, but they aren't responsible to be the referees of everyone's behavior in this family system.

I don't like this take-sides-or-forget-you stance.

How do you feel about all this tension? It certainly sounds to me like too many people are into too many other people's business. In other words, boundaries are weak!

I wish I could offer a solution, but I cannot. I think you need to assess the issues/problems here. Then you need to set boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable.

Certainly, your allegiance should be to your husband. What do you think would make you feel a bit more comfortable?

No, marriage shouldn't be this hard. Neither should so many actors be playing a part in YOUR marriage.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

My dad came to our house one month after the he said she said incident, however, at that time my marriage was on the brink of divorce. H and I were in therapy bc although I wanted to fully believe his version of events, I just didn't. I had always trusted him in the past, but this was just too out there. My non-aggressive SIL grabbing H's crotch like some sex maniac while he was in bed with me is simply unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, she definitely has blame. Seriously, why would she take off her sweatshirt wearing a tight tank top (her boobs are enormous btw), then pause to see what he was going to do next after her touched her inappropriately, then search the house for him to find out where he was, then make a huge deal out of being victimized to my bro and parents who already don't like H to begin with? She even told me that she knew they would believe her and she felt sorry for H bc no one liked him. I have been hit on/ inappropriately touched before by a drunk man, and I immediately left the situation so that it didn't escalate and ruin a marriage. Anyway, my dad came at a horrible time after I called him several times to tell him not to come. My H was still mad at my fam, bc in his eyes his drunk SIL hit on him and then made up lies to everyone and my dad added fuel to the fire by taking SILs side, telling me H was a liar, and that he would never be around H again. My bro also told me that H was evil, a liar, and he would never be around H again. They both gently encouraged me to divorce. So H and I were working through all of these issues, it was a very, very stressful time. 
I never thought my fam of origin was dysfunctional, until recently. We were always very close, confided in each other, lots of vacations together. I was actually maid of honor in my bro and SILs wedding! However, they have never cared for H, and the he said she said incident gave them reason to cut H (and therefore me and kids) out. I've tried to call my bro, but he won't talk to me (and I know I didn't do anything!). H comes from a dysfunctional fam (divorced, alcoholic dad, etc). I should mention that a few months after the incident and after my dad came to our house, H and I met with my parents and H sincerely apologized to my dad for his behavior. My dad said he accepted the apology, but he really doesn't, nothing has changed. It's so hard bc H has a lot of really good qualities, he is a fantastic stay at home dad and takes care of everything (yard, house, kids, errands, laundry, etc), the kids adore him, we like to do things together, etc. Are my parents going to help me raise my children? No! What about the financial ramifications? Yet, I still wonder, is H lying to me?


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