# Is it normal for your spouse to yell at you?



## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Yesterday I was sick off work all day with a horrible headache. When my hubby of 8 years came home he buzzed our security door buzzer over and over again. I poked my head out the window and jokingly said "geez, you sure know how to make a girl's headache feel better!" 

When he got up the stairs he started mumbling and swearing and telling me I had an attitude. I told him I was just joking but he went on to scream at me, getting in my face. When he used to yell at me I would whimper like a child, but now I have finally started sticking up for myself and he says things like "you used to be nice". He is always telling me I have an attitude and I am always so confused. I don't know how I am supposed to be talking to him. 

He blamed my period (like he ALWAYS does - whether I have it or not he says things like well you must be due for it). He often gets up in my face when I try and sort things out with him. Just a few weeks ago he came nose to nose with me and yelled "F***. OFF!!!!!!" when I was trying to sort another matter out with him. I would never in a million years talk to him - or anyone else for that matter - like that. He also called me stupid, an effing ***** and to get it through my “thick skull” that I should just leave him alone. He often calls me names out of anger, and rarely apologises.

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that. 

My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my husband. What should I do? I keep telling myself I don't deserve this but then I can never find the guts to do anything about it. He is just like my dad - Jekkyl and Hyde - such a sweet kind person when he's not enraged, but an absolute monster when he is. 

I don’t think he would ever hit me, but there have been a few times where I feel like he has come close. The incredible anger in his eyes and his voice… it has been frightening. Even though I’ve told him I hate it, he tells me that’s just the way he deals with things and that he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did.

Is this normal or am I being verbally abused?


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Akesha, welcome to TAM.

Well it might be normal for some people....like your husband. But it certainly isn't normal for most people, and i would consider it verbal and emotional abuse. He sounds like a bully.

A good indicator is your last sentence..."he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did." An abuser will blame the victim...

My H and I have been married for 15 years...together more than 20 yrs...we have NEVER spoken to each other like that, not even in our worst rows. I would not tolerate being spoken to like that by anybody, and being my husband makes no difference. So i would want to get some IC or MC (counseling) to get a professional perspective, who could look at all aspects of your interactions.

How long has he been like this? Has it steadily got worse?

He clearly doesn't like you sticking up for yourself, but you must continue to do that. If he starts yelling or cursing, simply state that you will no longer tolerate him speaking to you in that manner, so you are going to leave the room now/go for a walk/go for a drive. Tell him you can continue discussing whatever it is when he has calmed down.

Did he grow up in an aggressive family? Did his father speak that way to his mother, if so did she just take it? Often abusers came from a similar situation, and even though they hated the effects it becomes a pattern because its familiar. He indeed might not have learned any other way.

When he is in a calm good mood, try talking to him about this and be very clear that it is unacceptable. The fact that you had an abusive father is very telling...it is what is familiar even when it hurts.

If you do nothing about it, he will believe it is ok and will continue.

Do you have any children, or plan to? I would not want children exposed to those types of outbursts.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are being verbally abused.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is not normal. What you're describing is verbal abuse.

No, I haven't ever had my spouse yell at me like this nor have I ever heard my father say anything even remotely close to that to my mother.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks for your responses guys 

To answer your questions, Franc;



FRANC said:


> How long has he been like this? Has it steadily got worse?


I think he has always been like this. Even in the early stages I remember feeling a familiar fear and telling myself this wasn’t right. 



FRANC said:


> Did he grow up in an aggressive family? Did his father speak that way to his mother, if so did she just take it?


No. He told me he only ever saw his father yell at his mother once in his entire life.



FRANC said:


> When he is in a calm good mood, try talking to him about this and be very clear that it is unacceptable.


I have tried this many times. Instead of addressing what I’ve said to him he focuses on what I did to “cause” him to act like that, and again tells me he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t give him “attitude”



FRANC said:


> Do you have any children, or plan to?


No, neither of us want children.

I suppose one of the reasons I haven’t left yet is due to fear… if I knew I could break it off tomorrow without the possibility of him tipping over a table or telling me to get out (I live at his house), I would do it in a heartbeat..

Best of luck to you too Rima. X


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not normal and not healthy.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

No one ever has the right to yell at another person.It shows immaturity and lack of proper communication skills.

Everyone gets angry and annoyed but there is never an excuse to raise your voice to someone. 

In your situation though,it seems there's more to things than just one spouse yelling at the other.You're being abused.Seek help and get your husband into counseling.


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## heartbrok3n (Jun 5, 2012)

Try to convince him to sign up for anger management. 

Swearing at or using cuss words to describe your loved ones is disrespectful and totally unacceptable.

Hope everything will turn out fine for you.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Akesha said:


> I suppose one of the reasons I haven’t left yet is due to fear… if I knew I could break it off tomorrow without the possibility of him *tipping over a table or telling me to get out* (I live at his house), I would do it in a heartbeat..
> 
> Best of luck to you too Rima. X


I think those two scenario's would be tame, given his rage or whatever it is. 

You have two options, tell him he needs to work on his rage/anger and show him you are serious, i.e. don't continue to tolerate the way he talks to you, get up and physically leave the room, if he follows you, call the cops or you can file for divorce. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of anything until he starts to straighten his sh!t up. 

What is keeping you married to him? And what is your fear about him telling you to get out? If you need to position yourself to get your own place, give it some time to save up or ask a family member to help you out, etc. You are not in a safe position.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Sounds like he has anger management issues. I don't get yelled at but he has that biting tone which is sometimes just as bad if not worse and he swears though not AT me. Your situation is not normal at all.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Akesha said:


> Even though I’ve told him I hate it, he tells me that’s just the way he deals with things and that he wouldn’t have to yell if I didn’t carry on the way I did.
> 
> Is this normal or am I being verbally abused?


P.S. You need to do more than tell him you don't like it... Show him. Actions!!! Show him you will not tolerate it anymore. Kindly explain to him that he needs to improve his behavior, or the marriage is over. My H has anger problems, so it can be controlled... And he's been physically, emotionally, verbally, etc.. any kind of abuse you can imagine and he grew up that way with a horrible role model, his own father, in fact once I started meeting all of his family members, the first words out of their mouth to me was "does he still have that temper?".. It wasn't temper, it was flat out abuse and yes, he still had it! We still argue today occasionally, but I'm as much to blame during those times and I know it. And the last time he called me a name, I really did deserve it as I called him a name first 

This will not get better unless you stand up for yourself and you will lose yourself if you continue to let him treat you this way.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

You are being abused both verbally and mentally. If he does not agree to get help for HIS anger issues, GTFO. If it continues and you learn to ignore it and brush it off as "normal", he will discover his tactics no longer affect you. His next step may escalate to physical abuse. Don't wait for that to happen.

Good Luck


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Something I learned from the men on this board in their own words:

"Men don't respond to talking. Men respond to actions."

That especially applies to men who are abusive. As you have learned many times, it does you no good to try talking to him, and it does you no good to stand up to him. The only way to deal with an abusive man is to leave. The more you try to control the situation, the more they escalate their control tactics, as Smoke described. There is nothing you can do while living with him in the same house. If you want him to stop abusing you, you have to leave. 

Usually, leaving will cause the abuser to become remorseful and apologetic. He will promise you the world to come back to him. But you cannot fall for this. Abusive men need their victim to stick around (or come back) so they can continue abusing her. What normally happens is she returns to him because he cries, begs, tells her how much he loves her, and promises to change. Women always fall for it because they didn't want to leave in the first place and only left to get his attention. So, she goes back, and he plays nice for a week or two. Then the abuse starts back up again and, as usual, he makes her think it was her fault.

Like I said, the only way to stop the abuse is to leave, but that means to actually leave and stay gone. If you leave your husband, don't go back just because he cries and begs and tells you everything you want to hear. You have to be strong enough to stay away and end contact with him. 

If you really don't want the marriage to end, at least be strong enough to make him live up to his promises. Tell him he has to start counseling. Tell him he has to show a true commitment to changing his ways. Don't go back to him until he has attended a couple months of counseling for abusive men. This is different from anger management. If he had an anger management problem, he would be yelling at everyone. But, he doesn't. He only yells at you because he knows it intimidates you. That is abuse.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He needs to find a resolution to his out of control emotional outbursts or he'll lose you.

I'm embarassed to say I've done that in extreme over the top arguements. Over the years I have worked extremely hard on my anger and lack of control and no longer act that way. The best thing to do in that situation is for him to leave...go for a walk or drive. If he doesnt you should.

You don't deserve to be a victim of his lack of control.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

I agree with everyone else. Not normal and not OK. I am thinking about you and hoping you have the strength to fix the problem, whether that be convincing him of therapy or leaving. Best of luck!!!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

No it's not normal and it's not acceptable. He needs to stop immediately and take a hard look at himself. However, I think you are in a codependent relationship. I'm betting that you are a conflict avoider and passive/aggressive. You may live in denial most of the time. You may be someone who never speaks their mind and often lacks the will power to do the right thing. You may lack discipline as well. Your husband may know that your words are just words. He watches your actions and knows how you will respond to life despite what you say. He's lost respect for you and is frustrated when you try to tell him things he's knows are not true. Now both of you have deep resentment towards each other and both incorrectly blame the other for your problems. You only have two choices. Show him through your consistant actions that you have the inner strength to stand up for yourself and to be on your own. Or you need to leave the relationship to end the co-dependency and cycle of resentment. If I'm wrong about you I apologize but unfortunately I'm all too familiar with this dynamic.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I don't think this is normal and I don't think its okay. I think that it shows a huge amount of disrespect on his part.

Next time he gets angry..tell him that you will talk to him when he calls down and simply walk away.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> No it's not normal and it's not acceptable. He needs to stop immediately and take a hard look at himself. However, I think you are in a codependent relationship. I'm betting that you are a conflict avoider and passive/aggressive. You may live in denial most of the time. You may be someone who never speaks their mind and often lacks the will power to do the right thing. You may lack discipline as well. Your husband may know that your words are just words. He watches your actions and knows how you will respond to life despite what you say. He's lost respect for you and is frustrated when you try to tell him things he's knows are not true. Now both of you have deep resentment towards each other and both incorrectly blame the other for your problems. You only have two choices. Show him through your consistant actions that you have the inner strength to stand up for yourself and to be on your own. Or you need to leave the relationship to end the co-dependency and cycle of resentment. If I'm wrong about you I apologize but unfortunately I'm all too familiar with this dynamic.


Please don't let anyone - not your husband, not this member's response, and not anyone else - make you think you are responsible for being abused. It is not your fault in any way. Abusers always make their wife/girlfriend think it is her fault by saying you did or said something that caused him to yell at you, belittle you, call you names, ignore your feelings, minimize and dismiss your concerns, blame you, make it seem like you are stupid, and so on. What this member wrote is a perfect example.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

River1977 said:


> Please don't let anyone - not your husband, not this member's response, and not anyone else - make you think you are responsible for being abused. It is not your fault in any way. Abusers always make their wife/girlfriend think it is her fault by saying you did or said something that caused him to yell at you, belittle you, call you names, ignore your feelings, minimize and dismiss your concerns, blame you, make it seem like you are stupid, and so on. What this member wrote is a perfect example.


You didn't read it very carefully. I condemmed the abuser twice but I pointed out that there is a codependent dynamic going on. How can you deny this is the case? She has some responsibility to either take herself out of the situation and not be a victim anymore or she must get stronger within the relationship. What are your suggestions?


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

When he says you give him "attitude"....that just means he doesn't like you sticking up for yourself. 

He much prefers it when you just take it...


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Print off these responses and show them to him...?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> You didn't read it very carefully. I condemmed the abuser twice but I pointed out that there is a codependent dynamic going on. How can you deny this is the case? She has some responsibility to either take herself out of the situation and not be a victim anymore or she must get stronger within the relationship. What are your suggestions?


My suggestion is what I stated - not to let him or you or anyone make her think she is to blame in any way like you did. It doesn't matter how she is. It doesn't matter how she acts. It doesn't matter if she "responds to life." What you stated makes it appear she is responsible for his actions. She is not responsible. He is responsible for his own actions, and she is not to be blamed for them.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

River1977 said:


> My suggestion is what I stated - not to let him or you or anyone make her think she is to blame in any way like you did. It doesn't matter how she is. It doesn't matter how she acts. It doesn't matter if she "responds to life." What you stated makes it appear she is responsible for his actions. She is not responsible. He is responsible for his own actions, and she is not to be blamed for them.



I agree that abuse is horrible and that nobody ever deserves it. This guy is a bully and needs help. I don't believe she is responsible for his actions, but she is responsible for hers. How is she suppose to stop him without honestly evaluating their dynamic? What are the chances he will recognize that his behavior is way out of line? She was abused by her father and now her husband. If she doesn't recognize her situation she may end up with another abuser because abusers are attracted to women who will take it. She needs to stop being someone who will take it. In order to do this she needs to stop thinking like a victim.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

no

why dont you take marriage counseling or leave?

i cant seem to understand people anymore


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, this isn't normal.
Your husband sounds abusive.
My exH used to do the same kind of stuf you typed, even the stuff about ringing the doorbell and getting in my face screaming.

This is not love. Nor is it healthy.

Talk to him about how it's disrespectful and you won't tolerate it. If he doesn't do anything to stop this behavior, your choices are to tolerate it or leave him.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> I'm betting that you are a conflict avoider and passive/aggressive. You may live in denial most of the time. You may be someone who never speaks their mind and often lacks the will power to do the right thing. You may lack discipline as well. Your husband may know that your words are just words. He watches your actions and knows how you will respond to life despite what you say. He's lost respect for you and is frustrated when you try to tell him things he's knows are not true.


Pulling these characteristics out of your imagination does not help this woman deal with her situation. They're not even common traits of typically abused women. It just sounds like you are describing your wife or someone else you know and justifying your reasons for abusing her. Whether they apply to this woman or not, they are not justification for anything, and pointing them out will not make HIM recognize his behavior. She doesn't need to evaluate anything except how he makes her feel. The only dynamic she needs to recognize is that she is being abused. Nothing else matters. If she wants to seek counseling to prevent this from happening again, that is up to her, but whatever she discovers is no reason for the abuse as you keep trying to make it seem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> She has some responsibility to either take herself out of the situation and not be a victim anymore *or she must get stronger within the relationship*. What are your suggestions?


There is no "getting stronger" in an abusive relationship.

Abusers do not care. And they usually escalate over time.

Generally the best thing is to LEAVE.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

River1977 said:


> Something I learned from the men on this board in their own words:
> 
> "Men don't respond to talking. Men respond to actions."
> 
> That especially applies to men who are abusive. As you have learned many times, it does you no good to try talking to him, and it does you no good to stand up to him. The *only way to deal with an abusive man is to leave. *The more you try to control the situation, the more they escalate their control tactics, as Smoke described. There is nothing you can do while living with him in the same house. If you want him to stop abusing you, you have to leave.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> no
> 
> why dont you take marriage counseling or leave?
> 
> i cant seem to understand people anymore


You say that like it’s just THAT easy.

This unnecessary response doesn’t help me at all.

Thank you everyone else for your kind responses…

I think I know what I have to do. I think I have known for a long time... it's just mustering up the guts to do it. I know it sounds like I am making excuses, but 99% of the relationship is great. But this one part I just can't deal with. It's not like it happens every day or even every week, but when it does I become very sad. I'd forgotten that feeling of sick fear I used to feel whenever my dad would get mad. I think I need to break the cycle.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Akesha said:


> You say that like it’s just THAT easy.
> 
> This unnecessary response doesn’t help me at all.
> 
> ...


People don't have to abuse everyday to be considered abusers. That's why it can be difficult to leave an abuser, as many of them are very charismatic and charming people. I know also from firsthand experience as my mother was abusive, yet deeply loving the rest of the time. This dual personality is extremely confusing. If people were abusive all the time and never caring, they'd be much easier to say goodbye to. But since they are nice a good deal of the time, it keeps their victims stuck and ends up causing significant emotional damage over the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rima (Jul 15, 2012)

Pinkberet: excellent reply. Well said!


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Rima said:


> rsk1:
> 
> What you said below applies to me and my husband's anger tantrums. I finally left him a week ago.
> 
> How insightful. Thanks for sharing. This is significant for me.


Glad to be of assistance.  You must be going through a really tough time right now, but just keep your head up. Remember that you deserve to feel safe and nurtured and respected in your marriage, with a partner who loves you and is willing to go the extra mile to make the relationship work. Best wishes!


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

PinkBeret said:


> You should always compare the "crime" to the "punishment" (an analogy). For example, you made a joke and he reacted with anger. The "punishment" does not fit the "crime."


Well that’s part of the problem I suppose… he voices his anger in such a way that makes me feel like what I have done is SO bad, that I always think I “deserve” it.



Rima said:


> If people were abusive all the time and never caring, they'd be much easier to say goodbye to. But since they are nice a good deal of the time, it keeps their victims stuck and ends up causing significant emotional damage over the long term


This is what I struggle with the most. EVERYONE loves him, and he treats me like a queen a lot of the time – tells me I am beautiful, tells me that he loves me more and more each day, takes care of me, supports me… but then when he’s mad he’s a totally different person.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Akesha

I suppose one of the reasons I haven’t left yet is due to fear… if I knew I could break it off tomorrow without the possibility of him tipping over a table or telling me to get out (I live at his house), I would do it in a heartbeat..

Re your comment about 'his house'
Don't you feel that this is your house also?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

missmolly said:


> Re your comment about 'his house'
> Don't you feel that this is your house also?


His name is on the lease, mine isn’t. 

I have never felt like it was my place, and the moment we broke up it’d go right back to being HIS house, I can assure you. 

I WANTED my name on the lease but he made such a fuss about what a hassle it would be that it never happened. 

To be perfectly honest with you I never wanted to move in with him in the first place… I just did it because his flatmate at the time was leaving and he needed someone else. We’d been together for about 3 years so we thought it would be nice. Stupid mistake on my part.


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