# My Story - Jellybean123



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

I posted here a couple of months ago, but deleted it after it just got to be too much for me. I am back, realizing that this a a good way to help cope. 

My husband has been emotionally abusive to myself and our 2 daughters for years. His anger towards us is usually the result of him not being able to cope in stressful situations. I have dealt with it by walking on eggshells and usually just giving in to minimize his verbal assault on myself or that our daughters have to witness. I have always felt that with some anger management classes, this could be resolved and in turn bettering our relationship. He has agreed to go from time to time and then backed out.

In the past 6 months, another woman has become an issue. He reconnected with an old girlfriend on Facebook, and things went downhill fast. While I had his passwords to everything previously, he changed his Facebook password in May and started hiding any interaction on Facebook. I would snoop and find he was talking to this woman and lying to me about it. She lives several hours away, so it was not a huge issue with me thinking he was sneaking out and physically cheating, but it was definitely an emotional affair and something we fought about for months. He denied it up and down and tried to make me look/feel like a crazy, jealous wife, but I knew it was not right and it was the source of much stress and arguments. 

Two months ago, I found out that he was going away for the weekend with this woman. He had lied to me and said he was going away with "the guys". I found out that was not true and that he did not even leave our town, but instead got a hotel room close by. I was crushed. I found out about it all about an hour before he was supposed to leave for the weekend. I gave him an ultimatum. Me and the kids or this woman. He rode the fence for a long time (we hashed it out for about 45 minutes before he left), but in the end he made his choice. He left for the weekend. I believe he probably thought his mistreatment could continue because I had put up with his emotional abuse for so many years, but this had all escalated to a point where I could not put up with it anymore for my sake our our daughters sake. 

He returned that Sunday and I had asked someone to be there with me because I was afraid of his reaction when I stood up to him and stood my ground, I asked him to leave. He became so enraged that he chased me out of the house threatening to kill me (with my youngest daughter in my arms). I called 911 but did not have him arrested. I DID get a restraining order. I left Sunday night and he just went crazy. He tricked the police officers into letting him hug our youngest before I left and then would not let her go with me as originally planned then, after the police said they could not force him to let her go with me, and made me leave, he tormented me the whole night with telling me he was leaving in the morning with our youngest daughter and tried to get our oldest daughter too, with no success. He totally went crazy. The next morning, I believe let down that his aggressive attempts to get to me had not worked (he had called/text me that night about 100 times total-I did not reply), he threatened suicide while I was out getting the restraining order and ended up being taken to a psychiatric clinic for the afternoon before being released. He is really emotionally unstable and NEEDs help.

Since then, I have stood my ground. I have filed for separation and have custody of both of our daughters. I filed for the separation as a way of protecting myself and our daughters, not because I want a divorce. Just this recently, the judge made the restraining order became permanent for 5 years. I have been pretty strong up until now, but feel so much heartache over this since the restraining order became permanent.

I hired an attorney a little over a month ago and we discussed making the restraining order for another 6 months and then giving him a chance to go to counseling and improve himself and then hopefully being able to lift the restraining order with time and even giving the chance to save our marriage. That was written in the declaration submitted, but never even brought up by my attorney in court. We also discussed the option of he and I being able to peacefully talk about things on the phone, but that was never brought up by my attorney either, and now we have the holidays coming up and another 2 months before we have the next court date. With the holidays coming up, that devastates me. I want our daughters (who are only 3 and 7) to be able to at least call their dad on Christmas or maybe text a picture or two. 

While I do feel we need a restraining order right now until he can prove to be emotionally stable and not a threat to our physical or emotional well being and no threat of taking off with our daughters, I am devastated at the terms of the restraining order and the fact that my attorney did not even bring up what we discussed and instead just asked that the restraining order be continued in full force, with the only exception of him having paid supervised visitation. I WANT to give him the chance to see that if he works on himself, then I am open to try to save our marriage. Is this just insane of me? 

He has done some nasty things. He has lied, cheated, and over all been pretty mean throughout our marriage, but with the bad, there is also love and 9 years of great memories. He is the father of our children and our girls NEED their Dad. They miss him. I want our children to remain with both of us in a happy, healthy relationship and would do anything to make that happen. 

I am just so sad. I try to do things with our daughters to make them happy and have fun together on the weekends, but find myself just fighting back tears when I see families together doing things and I am forced to do things alone with our girls while he is likely partying with whoever (possibly the other woman). I know things cannot continue how they were. Our household was ruled by his angry outbursts (or trying to avoid them). I need to keep myself and our daughters safe from his emotional abuse and from him possibly taking off with our daughters. 

I hold on to the hope that everything he has said he would do are empty threats. I hope they are, but what if they are not? Time will tell, but for now, I feel like he sees restraining order, and is devastated by it, and it pushes him away more. He is not ready to take responsibility for his actions and will not without counseling, so yes.... he is going to continue his behavior until he is forced to face it with counseling. We have requested counseling/anger management along with the restraining order to give himself a chance to prove himself and eventually see our girls without being supervised, but that was not even emphasized or really brought up in court at all.

There is so much more to my story that I am not going to type all out here, but I am just so heartbroken. I feel like if he thinks I have given up on our marriage, he is not as likely to be willing work on it or himself. I know he is suffering too, regardless of his actions. I know this is hard on him emotionally (he has made that clear through communication with my attorney). It is so hard when things ended so abruptly with the restraining order and I have no way of even discussing the possible end of our marriage with this man who I have spent the past 9 years with and had 2 children with. I am left wondering what he truly wants and what he truly feels without any ability to have a heart to heart with him and that is the most difficult part... struggling. I literally opened my eyes this morning and started thinking of him and all of this and had such anxiety and started breathing heavy, heart beating fast, etc.... within 5 seconds of opening my eyes. Every minute of every day is SUCH as struggle and something has to change. I need closure or the chance to know it can survive with time and work. How do I get that when I cannot even have one conversation with my husband?


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

JB123, I remember your posts from before. I am sorry you still find yourself in this situation.

You say that you are hopeful, that you need to know if something can be recovered. Okay. You need to understand something: hope is not a strategy. 

You can listen to his words (via third-party communication) and remember the good times but you have to judge him on his actions. He was abusive. He cheated. He threatened and manipulated. Suicidal ideation. Your husband has a lot of demons to master. Pardon me if I am mixing threads, but didn't he also threaten to burn your house down with himself and your kids inside it? The man needs some serious help before he should be anywhere around you or your kids.

You know, you can manage your end so the kids can communicate and see him (assuming he is in a safe enough to have them do so) and make sure you don't stand between them. But he has to be a big boy and be a responsible parent, and part of that is getting his head on straight. You can't do that for him and if he fails to get right for his children, that's all on him. I know you want your kids to have a relationship with their father but you can't make him do it.

On your end ... a lot of your post focuses on him: his actions, his suffering. What about you? What do you want? What are you doing for yourself to heal? It takes two to make it work and if he never picks himself up off the floor ... well, what are you ready to do? Will you be in limbo forever? 

If I could give you one bullet point take away, it would be this: hope for the best, plan for the worst. Start doing what you need to do to move on. If he un-f**ks himself, then you can reassess. But don't wait on him forever.

Wishing you the best.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Thank you. Yes, the fire incident was me. He lit a paper towel on fire and threatened to burn down the house. I just got notice from a mutual friend that he is tagging this woman in posts on Facebook from them partying this weekend. I am just so heartbroken and I cannot get past it. I have loved this man with all of my being through good and bad for the past 9 years of my life. I would still do ANYTHING to save our marriage and family. He just basically threw his wife and kids away to go party with this woman and all of his old high school friends. It is devastating and I just cannot deal with it. I am strong for our kids and try to do fun things with them but find myself struggling to hold back tears when we are out somewhere and I see a complete family or a dad interacting with his kids. He walked away from that and left me to pick up the pieces and try to stay sane doing that while I am dealing withy own devastation. I cannot even to talk to him to get some kind of closure. It ended with a restraining order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Wow jellybean, that's awful. I find it helpful too to post here. After a week or so you'll look at it again in a different light. I find it dificult too. My stbx is catering to boyfriend with pnemonia. Drives me nutz and I found out it by a friend who is still friends with her on fb. 
I see happy couples everywhere and it makes me sad. Ofcourse I don't know if they are even couples or happy. It's grief. It's what happens when your spouse abandons and betrays you. I've said this before to other people but you should look into some codependcy councilling or individual councilling. 
Try not to pay attention to what he is doing. Meaning don't ask anybody what he has been up to or check him out on facebook. A 180 means you do the opposite of what you think you should do, usually. Hug your kiddos, alot. They need you more then ever. 

Sooner or later he will likely try to get back together, while your doing a 180. Try not to give in until he does EVERYTHING you feel he needs to do to make it right and if you not sure what that is post it here.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

I am in independent counseling. I don't feel it is helping... It is more like talking to a trusted friend, and I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. Maybe I need a different counselor? Maybe it is me? I don't know. 

We had a court hearing last week and during the hearing, my attorney asked me about moving forward from separation to divorce. I answered her question yes, stating that it would be necessary (not because I want to, but because I feel that his actions are leaving no other choice. His response (in court) after I said that was a very immature "sweet!" half way under his breath, but more than loud enough to hear accompanied by a fist thrust kind of gesture that one would make if they were saying that. Ouch. It stabbed me in the heart, but I feel that while extremely inappropriate and immature, it was from a place of hurt on his part? 

He also text me right after court last week (he is not even supposed to text me unless it is to set up some supervised visitation, but I don't think he understood that fully-I think he thought he could text me anything about our daughters). He expressed interest in calling them on the phone, but that is not possible with the way the RO was done. I did not reply because I did not want to break the terms of the RO on my part. In this text (which I received before I even got home from court, and I believe he wrote in the parking lot of the courthouse), he also said the divorce was probably best and that we had a "toxic marriage" but he wished it could have ended differently and that maybe we were "mismatched". It sounds like he is trying to convince himeself of that almost. What does that mean? Does that mean he wishes we could work on things? No, right? maybe? Why would I even want to work on things with someone who has treated me so badly and thought so little of me and our marriage that he cast me and our daughters off in favor of partying with an ex girlfriend and high school friends? 

He was out partying this weekend with the woman he is cheating with (I have a few friends on Facebook who told me- I don't ask them to, but they tell me certain big things that might matter- He doesn't even try to hide it anymore.), but then this afternoon, probably after the other woman had gone home (she lives 3-4 hours away), he text me the same exact text he had sent me after our court hearing. 

I let his sister know that he was not allowed to do that and to please let him know and he then sent me less nice and more pitiful text saying sorry that he thought he could and that he would never "bother" me again and that he guessed he "won't ever get to talk with our girls again". He can make a phone call and set up a monitored visitation date. I have encouraged him to do that, but I guess it is easier to play the "poor me" victim then to take responsibility and CHANGE things. I just don't get it. 

His texts are obviously hurting. Why won't he just make an appointment with the monitor to get to see our girls. He spends money he doesn't have going out and partying with this woman every weekend, but will not spend probably the same amount of money to be able to see his daughters one weekend, but then sends things like the text he sent.

The 180 is easy with a restraining order in place. But will that help save my marriage or just make it easier to for me to move on?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I hope you don't delete the text. Report him, or he will continue. He is violating a court order and needs to help accountable. Tell your attorney or the cops.

You are dealing with two separate pains. The verbal abuse (been there) that makes you go on eggshells when you are around him. You change what you say, how you look, how you can respond and encourage your children to do the same-all to avoid his wrath. That behavior might help for short periods of time, but not forever. And it comes at a huge price. You give up being you. You forgo any of your feelings and emotions, you give up your joy, your heart.

Then you have the infidelity (been there too). The lies, the gas-lighting the blame-shifting. Its hard to deal with appropriately when you have been emotionally abused. He has lied and betrayed your marriage and your vows. Is he saying you caused it yet? They almost always do. Remember he cheated because he chose to and not for any other reason.
It takes a long time to deal with both of these issues. You say you are in IC but are afraid its not doing much good. Raise this very issue in your next session. Tell the therapist you don't think much progress in being made and see what they say.
My heart goes out to you and the children. What are their ages, should they be in counseling, too?


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

I have the text. If they continue and get harassing, then I will report it. I just hurt for him. He is clearly deeply troubled with a lot of demons. I don't know if he has the strength to overcome them. I think it is much easier for him to play victim and gather sympathy and support from people rather than to own his actions and do the hard work it takes to make things better.  I hope I am wrong for our daughters sakes at the very least. They are only 3 and. 7 and miss their Daddy terribly 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The 180 will help you disengage from an abusive relationship. It is for you. Some people use it to help show a wayward spouse what they will be missing if they leave the marriage. Either way it is for you. 
Still, your post is filled with feelings for him and concern for your daughters. Where is your rage, where is your anger at the betrayals and abuse? Learn the 180 and focus on your life and your feelings and your well-being. I bet you haven't done that for a long time, almost like you think its the wrong thing to do. Its not. It is the most rational and necessary action you can take at this point.
Your children are so young, this must be hard on them. How have you explained Dad's absence?


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

As a good friend told me about my abusive ex. "It's a real mistake to feel sorry for him". She's right...the more chances I gave him the more he screwed me around and the more damage he did to me and my kids. He's got both our kids living with him now, he told them lies about me and they bought the lies. He plays the victim very well. Meanwhile I supported him through all kinds of situations and was much better to him than anyone else would have been, and I got the shaft for my kindness. 
Your kids need a shield, you have to keep him away from them. I'll bet they are more relaxed now and have more peace. 
People seldom change, and if they do it doesn't last long. 
The typical abuse victim likes to forget the bad times and focus on the good times. Your h's behaviors are very, very abusive.
I hope you will do some reading on the Cycle of Abuse. And about the effects of spousal abuse on the victim's thinking.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> The 180 will help you disengage from an abusive relationship. It is for you. Some people use it to help show a wayward spouse what they will be missing if they leave the marriage. Either way it is for you.
> Still, your post is filled with feelings for him and concern for your daughters. Where is your rage, where is your anger at the betrayals and abuse? Learn the 180 and focus on your life and your feelings and your well-being. I bet you haven't done that for a long time, almost like you think its the wrong thing to do. Its not. It is the most rational and necessary action you can take at this point.
> Your children are so young, this must be hard on them. How have you explained Dad's absence?


It am angry. He basically just ditched his family for this old girlfriend and high school friends that he has not talked to in 20 years and takes zero responsibility for what he has done and continues to make things so much harder than it has to be. That isn't even anger really. It is disgust. It disappoints me and disgusts me that the man who I have spent the past 9 years of my life with and have been so devoted to and given two beautiful daughters has treated me this way and continues to treat me this way. I am disgusted that these two young girls we have who are so special and amazing little girls now have to suffer hurt and loss because of their dad's issues. I have anger/disgust over that. But for whatever reason, it is hard for me to be angry at him for the emotional abuse (although I recognize that it can no longer be tolerated), because I feel in a way that he doesn't know any better. I feel like he needs some serious counseling to teach him ways to deal with stress that do not involve anger, manipulation, and bullying. While I believe he knows his ways are not right, he doesn't have the tools to do the right thing, so he just uses what he knows. I hurt for him because of that. Is that messed up or what? I hurt for myself and our girls too, but I am a Christian and I believe in love and forgiveness. It is hard for me to be angry at a man who I feel is just lost. 

Our girls know what their dad did and that he has a restraining order on him. He put them right in the middle of everything during his episode that caused me to get the restraining order. I tell them we are trying to work on get them a visit with their Dad. They miss him terribly, but are also afraid of him because they have witnessed what has happened. I hurt for them. I try to tell them not to be afraid of him and that he loves them and there will be a helper there when they first start seeing Daddy again. The whole thing just crushes my heart- for our daughters more than anything. They deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

indiecat said:


> As a good friend told me about my abusive ex. "It's a real mistake to feel sorry for him". She's right...the more chances I gave him the more he screwed me around and the more damage he did to me and my kids. He's got both our kids living with him now, he told them lies about me and they bought the lies. He plays the victim very well. Meanwhile I supported him through all kinds of situations and was much better to him than anyone else would have been, and I got the shaft for my kindness.
> Your kids need a shield, you have to keep him away from them. I'll bet they are more relaxed now and have more peace.
> People seldom change, and if they do it doesn't last long.
> The typical abuse victim likes to forget the bad times and focus on the good times. Your h's behaviors are very, very abusive.
> I hope you will do some reading on the Cycle of Abuse. And about the effects of spousal abuse on the victim's thinking.


Indie cat- I feel sorry for the fact that he is the way he is but I have NO sympathy for the fact that he is where he is right now. He knows what he has to do to make the situation better (counseling, etc) with me or even just with our daughters, but up to this point would rather do the bare minimum and play victim and try to blame shift. He made this situation and he has the power to make it better if he chooses. If he chooses not to, then no, I don't have sympathy for that. 
There is definitely more peace in our house now that his anger and negativity doesn't rule us. That is probably the one good thing that has come out of this... No more walking on eggshells, no more fear of doing the wrong thing and being victim of his rage, no more his way or no way... Peace in that respect. Along with what we have gained comes a lot of loss and pain, but the peace of not being rules by his anger is nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

After talking to a friend, I find myself getting really angry. Not for me though (maybe I will get there), but for our girls. What kind of loser pulls his kids into his twisted rage filled attempts to hurt their mother?
In a nutshell, He was intimate with me for 20 days leading up to the day he left.... Including the hour before he left, knowing that he was going away with this woman he has cheated on me with... Then when I stood my ground after finding out, he walked out on his family, knowing that I told him it would lead to divorce if he left. I believe he thought he could manipulate and bully his way to come back and get what he wanted like he always did. He came home from his "fling weekend" after leaving me here heartbroken, scared, and stressed to deal with reality and take care of our children while he went partying and went to the lake. Then he comes home and gets so angry with me when he realizes I have taken steps to ensure he cannot manipulate or hurt me, he then threatens my life and chases me out of our house with our 3 year old in my arms while telling me he is going to kill me. I call 911 but don't have him arrested and I actually give in and arrange to leave for the night. He takes our 3 year old from me, the police make me leave her there, he torments me all night and threatens to run away with our 3 year old, and even goes and breaks down a door to try to get to our 7 year old to take her, but cannot... He then threatens suicide the next day after realizing his anger didn't work and does all this with our 3 year old present. Sick. 

I have custody of our girls now but have tried to get supervised visitation with the option to have that relaxed as he shows progress with counseling to better himself and his anger. Instead of dealing with the truth and doing whatever he could to see his daughters, he has filed lie after lie in court for the past 2 months, he has spent his time partying with the other woman, making up lies to try to tarnish my character, and focused on getting material possessions rather than seeing his kids. Aside from grocery money he gave us the first week after all this happened, he has offered no financial help, and only offered the grocery money in exchange for some material possessions he wanted from the house (realized that after). He has not even paid the specific bills that he is required to pay per the restraining order. Just recently, the supervised visitation was approved and he has made no attempt to see the girls. He instead went away for the weekend partying with this woman and posted all about it on Facebook, like it was totally Ok. Meanwhile I am here caring for our two beautiful young girls who miss their Daddy. I can deal with his actions and the devastating pain and rejection I feel for what he has done, but why should our girls have to deal with that? How dare make his babies who are only 3 and 7 suffer with that? How dare he? Who does that? What kind of person hurts their children like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

A sick, narcissistic guy does that. 
He is totally self-absorbed which sadly, happens a lot with cheaters. When they are in that fog of the fling they don't think about their family, or their kids, or their job. They do not think of all the people they hurt. Sometimes they realize what they are about to lose and try to come back-mine didn't. 
Do not push visitation. I understand that you want to make this easier on your kids, but he is not in a place where he can be a good father. No child should ever have to hear one parent threaten to kill another. That's being cruel to the kids, and it is your jobe to protect them. Force him to pay what he owes. That is something you can do. Is there a temporary child support order in place yet? If there isn't, get one quick. If he has the money to go partying with OW, he has the money to take care of his children. 
He has left it to you to be the only responsible adult in the family and now you have to act like one. It hurts, but it is what it is.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

It is sick. I actually had a text exchange with him about setting up visitation (which is allowed per the RO). I text him to set something up (partially because I feel he needs a little fire under him). My kids miss their dad and deserve to see him, as long as it is in a safe environment. I WANT them to know that Daddy is not scary. My 7 year old especially has a lot of anxiety over seeing him and I just want to help her get over that and heal. The only way I feel she can is to see him and feel safe. It is SO WRONG that my girls are afraid of their father. It makes me upset. His immediate response after I text him and said I wanted to coordinate schedules to make sure we set up a date for visitation was that he really wants to see them, but followed by a bunch of excuses about all he had going on in his life and how busy he was. He has not seen them in 2 months. I was disgusted. Am I not busy working and raising our kids by myself? He has time to go out and party and money go on getaways every weekend (because it's not going towards his kids), but he is just SO busy that he cannot set up an appointment to see his kids? I realized immediately what I would be dealing with. I just told him that he needed to wake up and get his priorities straight for his daughters if nothing else. He has just totally fallen off the deep end. I can put up with a lot of crap personally, but I really get pissed when I feel my kids are being mistreated, especially by their father. He is such a loser to me right now. I do not ever let our girls know I feel this way. In fact, I talk him up to them WAY more than he deserves. I WANT them to feel loved by their dad. I don't want them to feel rejected by him. 

He even tried to bring up something about offering my attorney support for the girls in the beginning of this and she turned him down. I ignored this because he is only supposed to talk about supervised visitation. He is just trying to manipulate and make me doubt my attorney. Maybe because he does not have one. I don't know. I know it's a lie, he has lied outright in court documents he has filed in response to my declarations, so he clearly has a major problem with lying to the extent that he will even do so in a court of law.... not to mention he could have brought it up in one of 3 hearings we have had since then or just done something like pay some household bills (still in his name) instead. He is so full of it and it is absolutely disgusting. He doesn't even pay the bills he is required to pay as part of the restraining order, he has cancelled 2 of our utilities (against a court order), and he wants me to believe he actually offered my attorney child support and she refused? It just makes me despise him that much more. I seriously don't know who I was with for the past 9 years. Things are all making sense now. They say love is blind and that is so true.

It is weird. In the past few days, my feelings about everything have changed so much. This time last week even, I was so sad, depressed, and emotional about it all.... feeling sorry for him... I still do feel sorry for him because I do believe that he just doesn't "get it", and if he ever does, it will be too late... but now, it is like a switch has flipped inside of me almost. I am finding a strength and sort of peace that I didn't think I had. I am still really upset and would do anything to change it, but I cannot change him and his behavior is so disgusting to me right now that I am just over it and him. I am realizing my girls and I are moving on with or without him and I will be darned if I will let him ruin the happiness our girls deserve to have. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. 2 weeks ago, I was dreading this holiday. I had no where to go and we usually go to his family's house.... But I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving now... Just me and my beautiful girls. 5K in the morning, Thanksgiving mini feast, and then a movie together... He always found a way to be grumpy and mean at every holiday for some reason. There was always some sort of drama, even if it was minor. This year, I don't have to deal with that. THAT is something to be thankful for. We can have a totally peaceful holiday. THAT is happiness to me. Progress!


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Some good replies to your posts. 180, work on yourself. If your counselor is not helping you, say that to him or her. Talk about what you expect from counseling, what the IC can do. Then make a plan to do that.

You have to stop focusing on him so much. All of your posts here are about this man. It is as if you do not have your own identity. This is a place to vent, granted, but there is no other indication that you are moving toward a more healthy love for yourself. There is a book called Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It might be useful to you. People who have been in abusive relationships often have to learn how to stop underwriting the abuse, love themselves, set boundaries, etc. Talk with your IC about this and if the person is not familiar, get a new one. He or she might have a copy of the book even.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Thank you. I will look for that book. Someone else mentioned the co-dependent thing too and how too much of my focus was on him.... it really made me think... I was so concerned with him and what he was or was not doing that I was undermining my own happiness. Up until I realized that, I have been feeling sad for him because I feel he really does have some psychological issues (I think BPD)... Maybe mid-life crisis... It really hit me that feeling sad for him does not change what he has done or is doing to me or our girls. He is a big boy and is responsible for his own actions. He has been given so many chances to better things and if he doesn't choose to, then I just need to accept that and make the best life I can for myself and our girls. I cannot let focusing on his issues drag us down any longer. I still feel sad for him, but that is not my focus any longer and it has worked wonders on my emotional state (baby steps).

I am trying to focus on me. I am trying to focus on how to give my girls the same lifestyle they know without relying on the fact that their dad will ever be there for them in the way they deserve. I need to find the confidence to have an independence to do things that I have relied on him to do for the past 9 years... That he has made me believe I was bad at doing for the past 9 years... It is sick really. I didn't ever think his behavior was OK, but I didn't realize just how much it was affecting me or our daughters (especially our oldest) until he was not here. In the past week alone, I have reached out to friends and family members that he has attempted to alienate from us (it was too painful to do up until now) I have done a few things around the house that I have never done, I have done things that I have wanted to do for years, but have not because I felt so controlled by him... I even made (at almost 40 years old) my very first Thanksgiving dinner for just myself and my girls (we usually went to his family's house). This weekend I am going to attempt Christmas lights (always his job).

I still have that underlying feeling of pain and heartache, but I realize that with each little bit of independence I gain, it helps me find strength to move on without him. If he does get himself together and fixes his issues with counseling and comes back, then I would be willing to try, but if not (and I doubt he will), then I have the strength to move on without him and that feels good... Trying to focus on things that bring happiness to myself and my girls is my new priority. If he wants to do what he needs to do to be a part of that, then he can. If not, then we will be happy anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Jellybean, I have to ask something.
What is it about this man that makes you want to be with him, OTHER than the fact that he is still married to you? Other than your ideal marriage?
Is it the man that you are wanting back, or the idea of the man in your head that you have? Personally, I am working on making the difference in the woman my wife is and the woman I remember her to be. I am accepting who she has become, and making my decisions on how I live my life with THAT woman in it - NOT the woman I want her to be. 
I would dare to say that the man in your mind has been gone a long time, if he was ever real to begin with. Even if your husbund wanted to become a good man and work on himself, I doubt he would ever be the man you have in your mind of who he SHOULD be. 
Just my opinion from someone with similar viewpoints...


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Mark72 said:


> Jellybean, I have to ask something.
> What is it about this man that makes you want to be with him, OTHER than the fact that he is still married to you? Other than your ideal marriage?
> Is it the man that you are wanting back, or the idea of the man in your head that you have?


That is a great question. I have always thought that it is the man himself. He is not a monster. He is kind of like a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. The good part of him is amazing... generous, fun and loving. The bad side of him is selfish, mean, and heartless. I am wondering who the real man is. 

Most of the issues we have center around his inability to deal with stress and anger issues. I have always thought that if those were resolved on his end, then we could work on our minor issues that we have together (which were not much). 

The more time that passes however, and now that I am seeing that he would just abandon his children and is not taking responsibility for supporting them financially or re-building the relationship/making amends to his children for what he has done, then the more I am starting to believe that the man I thought he was is not really him. It is one thing for him to make me out to be the enemy and blame his actions on those feelings, but what kind of man could just abandon his children to go be with some other woman and party all the time? Abandon physically, emotionally, and financially.

I don't know what kind of man could do what he has done to me or his children and not make any attempt to own it or make amends for it. The longer I sit with that, the more I am thinking he isn't much of a man at all, and it is maybe better off to be without him in our lives. That is a hard pill to swallow... wondering if the person you have invested so much time and love into, had two children with, and spent the last 9 years with isn't who you thought they were at all. I don't even know how that is possible, but maybe it is. Maybe the goodness was all fake or for selfish reasons instead of genuine love. I don't know.

I grew up with a mother who gave up her whole life for her husband and children. That was my role model. I am a Christian and believe in marriage and MAKING it work. I think that those two factors make me hold on when I should probably be letting go, but it is hard for me to give up.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Learning to cope with your pain in ways that reaffirms your own dignity is crucial. 

You will not get past you pain in a healthy way by continuing to focus on his life and interactions. In your second to last post here, you used some form of the pronoun he (him, his, etc) about three dozen times. You have to let him go. Focus on yourself, learning to say "no", not having to rescue people, etc.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

jellybean123 said:


> I grew up with a mother who gave up her whole life for her husband and children. That was my role model. I am a Christian and believe in marriage and MAKING it work. I think that those two factors make me hold on when I should probably be letting go, but it is hard for me to give up.


I am a theologian. I am a few months from my PhD. I say that because I hate to see Jesus used as an excuse for people to become doormats. The cross was not a bad marriage, a terrible job, an abusive husband or anything of the like. It was the inevitable result of a person living out a peaceable vision in a world of violence. Jesus was not killed for being a nice guy, but for being a political threat to the powers that be. That is what the cross is. The normal way the Romans killed political threats to their power. That is who Jesus was. his life and death do not underwrite abusive relationships and is no excuse for sticking around when a spouse does what yours has done. 

After all, adultery is a reason for divorce in Matthew 5, and Jesus was very concerned about the woman in particular in that passage. 

Furthermore, Jesus, as a male, modeled how men should be in a patriarchal world. It is men who have to give up their power and start acting differently first and foremost (because in a patriarchal world, it is really only men who ultimately have the cultural power...). 

Alright...you probably have heard enough of this from me. You won't hear it most churches though. Jesus was a feminist. So don't you go using him as an excuse to "bear your cross" when that has nothing to do with your situation. If the cross is just another tool of oppression, then by god leave it all and find something else. But if it is a tool for liberation, then use it. You have power. You have to love yourself. Do you?


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry for what your going through. Given my own experiences, I sympathize and relate to your account. Things will be tough for a while, but there will be better days ahead, too. Find an inner compass; make sure to acknowledge your feelings to yourself do you can get past them; remember to act out of logic, not emotion; and, prepare for a marathon, rather than a sprint; get a good lawyer and a good counselor; make a plan for yourself. You're going to be better than fine, but it won't feel that way at first. Every day will be something different. Hang in there.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He sounds very imbalanced. How can he not make the effort to see his children?

What does his family say?


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Arendt said:


> I am a theologian. I am a few months from my PhD. I say that because I hate to see Jesus used as an excuse for people to become doormats. The cross was not a bad marriage, a terrible job, an abusive husband or anything of the like. It was the inevitable result of a person living out a peaceable vision in a world of violence. Jesus was not killed for being a nice guy, but for being a political threat to the powers that be. That is what the cross is. The normal way the Romans killed political threats to their power. That is who Jesus was. his life and death do not underwrite abusive relationships and is no excuse for sticking around when a spouse does what yours has done.
> 
> After all, adultery is a reason for divorce in Matthew 5, and Jesus was very concerned about the woman in particular in that passage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

This is all true. I don't want to fight for my husband as the man he is... More for his salvation. He is not a Christian. I pray for him to see the light and have a real heart change. I believe people can change, but at this point, I believe the only way that would happen with him is for him to accept Jesus. I pray for this everyday. I have no desire to go back to the marriage we once had. That was filled with his rage, emotional abuse, and infidelity. I want to take the good and build from that, but that could never happen unles he was truly a changed man... That is all a long shot, but I believe in the power of prayer and faith. I must move on with the knowledge of how things are at the present moment. I don't have any desire to hang on to the past. I realize I cannot "fix" him. That is setting God would have to do, if it is his will. I am just moving on, controlling what I can control, making a conscious choice to fill my life and the lives of my daughters with things that are happy and positive, and live the best lives we can live. It is a conscious choice everyday. I would never go back to what it was. I just have hope that people can change. I have seen it. God does wonderful things. I am not going to sit around waiting for it to happen, but my faith keeps me praying for it. If not for the reconciliation of our marriage, but for the sake of his relationship with our daughters. They deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> He sounds very imbalanced. How can he not make the effort to see his children?
> 
> What does his family say?


He is VERY imbalanced. He proclaims he misses our girls and would do anything to see them, but then chooses to go out partying with his girlfriend over making an appointment for visitation. He is just lost I think... Trying to find some sort of happiness or purpose but his priorities are out of whack and he is looking for that in all the wrong places. 

As for his family, I am not sure what they think. I don't think they want any part of it. He was VERY angry with his family for siding with me early on and according to his sister came around telling all kinds of lies (probably to save his reputation with his family). I feel like they have distanced themselves from me somewhat... Probably wondering about his lies. I feel like I want to bring it up to them but I have no desire to turn his family against him. He has lied up and down throughout this. Even in court documents and to the judge himself in court. I have proof of a lot of his lies. They will come out in time. I am just trying to be my usual self and know that I have been honest and done no wrong. True character of a person always shows eventually, and I feel the truth will shine through on its own without me saying a word to his family. He just keeps digging his hole and filling it with more lies. He lies so much that I really think it could be some sort of psychological disorder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I don't think Jesus is the answer to all the problems a person has. I mean, becoming Christian might make him worse. It could turn him into a judgmental a$$ or something. It is certainly no panacea for making a person better. Most churches are not equipped to form people into loving kind people, frankly. 

I wonder, however, if you have issues with his views of religion or whatever. Do you have problems with him because he does not believe what you do or go to church or whatever? Does it make you see him differently? 

Those are better questions than focusing on his views. The questions about what you think about it, and what that says about you are more pertinent and healthy.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

No. I have never had a problem with him not going to church. Everyone is different. I agree, becoming a Christian isn't the magic answer to your problems, and there are plenty of Christians that have big problems! But, I think it would give him a purpose and clarity and comfort that he is lacking in life. That is my perspective. I don't have problems with him because he doesn't go to Church. as good portion of the people in my everyday life do not attend church. I have problems with him because he is an angry, mean, irrational, emotionally abusive person who has put fear in me for the past 9 years of my life, has threatened to kill me, emotionally abused our children, threatened to take our children and run, and more. Those issues are where my problem lies.

I don't sit and focus everyday on his actions... my focus everyday is myself and our girls and living the best life we possibly can... Staying positive and focusing on the things I can control, and letting to of worrying about the things I cannot control.... just like being a Christian doesn't make you a wonderful loving person, not being a Christian doesn't mean you are horrible either. I am not some hardcore die-hard Christian religious zealot, who looks down on non-Christians.... Quite the opposite. I made the point that I think it could bring a purpose to his life that he is lacking and that is it. That is my viewpoint on it. I think what my views on things say about myself is that I have strong faith and am a caring person who wants good to come to those I care about, and everybody for that matter.... And that I am doing my best to move on from a devastating situation in the best way I know how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

My kids finally got to see their Dad yesterday (after almost 3 months) at a supervised visitation. He is able to see them for up to 4 hours a week per the court order, but he chose just an hour, which bothers me but something is better than nothing. He has to pay a monitor and he told her that he could not afford more than an hour, but In know he CAN afford to go drinking and on weekend getaways with his girlfriend (mutual friends have told me he splashes it all over Facebook). And he is not paying any child support, so clearly it is about priorities, which saddens me, but is our reality. I feel good that our kids at least got to see their dad, if only for an hour, but it left them wanting more and telling me they want the happy Daddy to come live with us again, just not the angry Daddy... If only it was that easy. I hate that these are the memories our kids are going to have of childhood. It breaks my heart, but the alternative are continuing with memories of their dad yelling at them and berating them for every small childhood infraction, and seeing him yell at me, call me vile names, insult me over everything, and cause us all to constantly walk on eggshells in fear if sparking a rage. I just hate that this is where our life is right now, but I guess it is a step hopefully in the right direction, and better than what it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

i really feel you on not wanting to take the kids away from their dad, but not wanting to subject them to the terror that is your husband either. my husband has not gone nuts to quite the extent that your has and i don't believe that he would threaten to file for full custody of our almost 1 yr old, but he certainly does not have his priorities straight, like your husband.

and the worst part about it really is that it's the holiday season and this is meant to be a time to enjoy being around family, and we're here going through this. it's just ****ty.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

It sucks... It truly does. I want my kids to have a relationship with their Dad... They DESERVE to have a relationship with their Dad, but more importantly, they DESERVE to be safe and emotionally healthy. If their Dad cannot offer that to them on his own, then it is up to me to try to ensure that. I am disgusted by their Dad's behavior, but our kids should not have to suffer anymore than they already are because of the situation. Seeing their Dad with a monitor present is better than not seeing him at all... I think... I say I think because I worry that an hour here and there will dwindle to nothing... Which is basically what he did with his son from a previous relationship over the past few years... That has to destroy a kids heart.

The holidays are so tough, especially since we spent them with his family. I have been trying to do what I can to have my girls maintain a relationship with his extended family, which is also important to me, but that is hard. Blood is thicker than water and Although they sided with me in the beginning, they are still his family and I just don't even discuss it with them at this point. It is akward and will likely never be the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Try to separate your idea of having a healthy involved parent in your children's lives from the reality you are facing. The man threatened to kill you in front of your child. He is not supporting them, he has chosen other women and drinking over his children. Why fight to keep someone like that actively in their lives?
Do you really think any father is better than no father?


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Try to separate your idea of having a healthy involved parent in your children's lives from the reality you are facing. The man threatened to kill you in front of your child. He is not supporting them, he has chosen other women and drinking over his children. Why fight to keep someone like that actively in their lives?
> Do you really think any father is better than no father?


A good point, but that is a tough question to answer when my seven year old is crying, sobbing, hurting to see her Daddy more and wanting the "angry daddy" to stay gone but the "nice daddy" to come back. I feel the same way. I hurt for the loss of the "nice husband", but say good riddance to the "angry husband". 

I fight to keep that person in their lives in a healthy way (hence the monitored visitation) while fighting against anything more until he proves himself fit... There is also a requirement of anger management and counseling, hoping that he will learn to deal with the nasty side of himself and become healthier and become the father the children deserve. Nothing will EVER justify his actions. period. But, regardless of his actions, he is still their father and nothing can ever change that. Regardless of his actions, his daughters still love their Daddy and miss him and deserve to see him as long as it is in a healthy situation.


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

jellybean123 said:


> A good point, but that is a tough question to answer when my seven year old is crying, sobbing, hurting to see her Daddy more and wanting the "angry daddy" to stay gone but the "nice daddy" to come back. I feel the same way. I hurt for the loss of the "nice husband", but say good riddance to the "angry husband".
> 
> I fight to keep that person in their lives in a healthy way (hence the monitored visitation) while fighting against anything more until he proves himself fit... There is also a requirement of anger management and counseling, hoping that he will learn to deal with the nasty side of himself and become healthier and become the father the children deserve. Nothing will EVER justify his actions. period. But, regardless of his actions, he is still their father and nothing can ever change that. Regardless of his actions, his daughters still love their Daddy and miss him and deserve to see him as long as it is in a healthy situation.


As someone who experienced a lot as a child, I can say that kids can handle a lot - whether they should have to or not. 
It sucks. It isn't fair to you. It isn't fair to the kids. You are an idealist... I am too. You want to make things better for your kids, even though things look bleak now.
I saw my parents married 7 different times. I've seen physical, verbal, emotional abuse to many extremes. I've been the ping-pong ball between my parents. None of this was meant to hurt me but it happened. 

On a side note, even though things were bad, I always knew that my mother loved me more than anything. I didn't have a "normal" childhood, but I knew that I was loved. It was better that my parents divorced when I was a baby than staying together for my sake. I know that you want "Angry daddy" to leave and never come back. You can't make him go away and make "Nice daddy" come back to stay. You CAN make sure "Good mommy" is always there - that's the best that you can do.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

jellybean123 said:


> I tell them we are trying to work on get them a visit with their Dad. They miss him terribly, but are also afraid of him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jellybean - your girls are probably afraid of their father because they should be. More on this:

The Gift of Fear

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you've experienced - I can't imagine what you are going through. 

I was married to a non-violent sociopath. Our relationship was also very co-dependent. Something that has helped me tremendously:
Co-Dependents Anonymous

You deserve so much more than what you are settling for. Your girls do also. Wishing you peace and strength.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Mark72 said:


> As someone who experienced a lot as a child, I can say that kids can handle a lot - whether they should have to or not.
> It sucks. It isn't fair to you. It isn't fair to the kids. You are an idealist... I am too. You want to make things better for your kids, even though things look bleak now.
> I saw my parents married 7 different times. I've seen physical, verbal, emotional abuse to many extremes. I've been the ping-pong ball between my parents. None of this was meant to hurt me but it happened.
> 
> On a side note, even though things were bad, I always knew that my mother loved me more than anything. I didn't have a "normal" childhood, but I knew that I was loved. It was better that my parents divorced when I was a baby than staying together for my sake. I know that you want "Angry daddy" to leave and never come back. You can't make him go away and make "Nice daddy" come back to stay. You CAN make sure "Good mommy" is always there - that's the best that you can do.



I am an idealist. I have never thought about myself like that, but in a nutshell, that is me... I have strong principles and believe anything is possible, when maybe in certain situations, or with certain people, they are not always possible. 

You are right. I cannot be their father, but I can be the best mom I can be. I think I am a pretty good mom. Its my life's intention to be an amazing mom. My kids definitely know they are loved by me and have a lot of amazing people in their lives to remind them how much they love them too. I hope that is enough.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

I have been struggling with my emotions lately and need to vent. It has been almost 3 months since my separation nightmare began. I am worlds away from where I was when this began, but still feel such heartache. It is frustrating to me. I am definitely angry at this point. Thoughts of: “how could he do this to me?”, “how could he do this to his family?”, “how could he do this to his children?” ,“what kind of person does this?”,“What kind of loser abandons his children?” and the overall feeling of him being a major dou*#&bag right now fill my head constantly. 

I hurt for what he has done to me, his family, our children, but mostly I am just mad right now. Mad that he has caused this situation. That said however, why can’t I seem to shake thoughts of hoping that he will come around and we can save our family? Is this the idealistic codependent in me? :/ If he wanted a divorce, it could have been done in a much more peaceful way. He could have asked me for it instead of treating me and our girls in this way. Why can't we just have an amicable divorce like others? He wants out obviously, then why is he making it so nasty to me when I am giving him his freedom?

I have ZERO desire to go back to anything like it was. I am actually enjoying my independence to a degree, and relieved that I don't have to deal with his drama on a daily basis or walk on eggshells anymore, but I want us to be a family again in a healthy way, and I cannot make that feeling go away. I try to focus on the good over the bad, and do pretty well at that most days, but that heavy heart is still there.

My brain knows the facts... He has emotionally/verbally abused me and our girls for years, lied, cheated, manipulated, threatened to kill me, and I feel he is almost like a con artist with his behavior. He has mistreated me, his children, and even his own mother in all of this when he was angry that she sided with me. He is done despicable things to us all and continues to do so. His selfish attitude continues to hurt those that love him, mainly his children. It is so disgusting to me. 

He deflects any blame from himself and refuses to acknowledge what he has done is wrong, even trying to turn the tables and TRYING to make me look bad by making up lies (many of which I have documentation to prove wrong and the judge and most people see right through it, but it is hurtful none-the-less, when he KNOWS the truth). He is absolutely crazy right now, almost like he is delusional... and he parades around like he is totally normal to this new girlfriend and her friends, but anyone who knows the real situation knows he is crazy and is a total "bleep" (insert derogatory name here). 

He refuses to pay the bills that are listed on the restraining order or that he is required to pay as part of our separation... refuses to contribute to our mortgage payment or any other bills (almost all of which are in his name and he has even changed the bills to go directly to where he is staying, even tough he won’t pay them, and canceled others that he was not supposed to cancel- just to make my life more difficult than he has already made it). 

Worst of all, he refuses to support his children at all. He has the opportunity for supervised visitation but has used a whopping hour of the time allotted to him by the court, saying he cannot afford more (but he can afford to go out and party). 
I have dealt with everything properly through the courts. I even text him this week to set another visitation up, because our girls miss him and my oldest has been a wreck since her one hour visit with him (we are allowed to text only about visitation, nothing else). He blew it off and gave me some excuses and told me that he would let me know for sure the following day... 3 days later I have still not heard back... I have not badmouthed him like I would love to, but that is just not me... I might vent on here, but in real life, I have stayed very quiet about it all. He has lied to everybody, including to the judge, yelled at the judge even and tried to argue with him (that was great and the judge brings that up to him at every hearing and my attorney said the judge was glaring at him the whole time I was on the stand when she was questioning me at the restraining order hearing)… When asked at that hearing about going forward with a divorce, when I said it was likely to happen, his response from his seat was "sweet!"... why would he even say something like that? He tries to make it look like I am the bad guy and deflect blame from himself, when I know in time that it will just turn around and bite him and people will see the true him, but for now it hurts… 

The guy is clearly a [email protected]%d. My head knows this. My head is done with his disgusting drama. Why can’t I get that through to my heart? Why does the love and the thoughts of our good times overshadow all the feelings of relief that I am done with living with his nastiness, negativity and disgusting behavior? I am not done with it totally, I deal with it still when I do have to interact with him at court or dealing with our children, but I just can't shake the pain in my heart and the loss and I hate that I cannot do that. I loved this man with all of my heart and devoted my life to him for 9 years, when he clearly did not deserve it. I know this in my head, but how do I get it through to my heart and make the pain go away? 

I am at the point where I need to make a decision whether I will continue indefinitely with separation to give him a chance to work on himself or move forward with divorce. I read about emotional abusers and how they hardly ever change, and see his actions now parading around with the OW like I never existed, and think of course he doesn't care and he will probably never change, but I have faith that keeps me hoping. My head tells me the best thing to do is to move forward with the divorce because that is probably inevitable anyway, but my heart is holding me back. If I know in my head what will happen anyway, why is it so hard for me to make that decision? I frustrate myself. UGH!


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know how much pain your are in. My ex never threatened to kill me, but he did have several psychotic episodes when he yelled that I was trying to kill him. Now he denies it ever happened.

It is also clear that you are a strong, determined mother who will do whatever she can to protect her kids. Because of this, IMO, go forward with the divorce. That gives you the arm of the court to help you in protecting your family. Make his continued counseling a requirement in a permanent custody and visitation order, get the support order set, the courts will help you enforce them. Should he actually make changes that you can live with-you stop the divorce. Until then, you guys seem to need the structure of the courts to help in recovery.
Like I said, this is just my opinion. I waited three years longer than I needed to because i just couldn't bring myself to divorce. I was naive.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Arendt said:


> You have to stop focusing on him so much. All of your posts here are about this man. It is as if you do not have your own identity. This is a place to vent, granted, but there is no other indication that you are moving toward a more healthy love for yourself. There is a book called Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It might be useful to you. People who have been in abusive relationships often have to learn how to stop underwriting the abuse, love themselves, set boundaries, etc. Talk with your IC about this and if the person is not familiar, get a new one. He or she might have a copy of the book even.


:iagree: It does seem to me that you are too focused on him, how he feels, how his kids feel about him, etc. Focus on you!

Also, you should be very careful right now. My brother was shot and killed by an angry ex husband. He was a beautiful human being, and now he's gone. He and his girlfriend got a restraining order, but it wasn't enough. Keep your emotions in check and recognize what he is capable of. I also knew a kid whose father kidnapped him and took him to California when the wife wanted a divorce. The dad and child lived under assumed names for nearly a year. This stuff can get real, and real quick.


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Seriously... What stage of divorce is anger? I am there... I am just so done... not long ago (like a week or two), I was wondering why my heart was content to be in limbo of separation and not push forward through with a full divorce like my brain knew was right... well just a few days ago, I got through that.... I am just done. 

STBXH has chosen to see his kids AN HOUR out of the last 4 weeks, when he gets up to 4 hours of supervised visitation per week. He claims he cannot afford more, but goes out of town every weekend, and refuses to pay child support (we are working on getting it court ordered). In addition, he texts me today (I have a RO but he can text about setting up visitiation with our kids) wanting to know about visitation this week. Mind you, I text him last week once and he said he would get back to me, then he didn't get back to me, so I text him again about weekend visitation and he ignored it... so I have tried to be the one setting it up because I WANT our kids to see him... but I can't make him be decent. So today he texts about later this week. We have a prior commitment that day and told him that we could do any other day this week... he gave me a ton of excuses and got nasty with me for not canceling our plans (probably more angry that he cannot control me anymore). I KNOW he can do it on Friday or Saturday, but he refuses to because he drives like 4 hours to see his girlfriend (priorities). I even suggested seeing them before he went on Friday and leaving a couple hours later than he planned... he claimed he just couldn't do that (excuse) and then tried to blame me for keeping his kids from him. So disgusting. I just ended the exchange and told him that he knew the days our kids were available and if he chose to see them one of those days that would be great. 

Also, during this text exchange, he told me he would not have his job much longer (not sure why) and that my car insurance would be cancelled soon. He is not supposed to cancel either. I didn't ask details because he was not even supposed to discuss anything besides visitation, but I called our car insurance company and they told me he cancelled our policy as of November 9! So, I haven't had car insurance since November 9! I am so mad. I called our health insurance and I am still on the policy, but I am not sure if I will be after the new year. 

He just spits in the face of anything the court tells him and it is so disgusting. I guess it will probably benefit me in the long run, but just the fact that he is like that is sick to me.

Vent over.

I am getting more and more comfortable with moving on... It is hard, but I am becoming more and more content with the single mom thing. I would do anything to change the situation, but I believe God has something better in store for me and can see the changes and strength this is building in me and actually am starting to get excited about what the future holds. That is progress!


----------

