# Feeling very resentful and taken advantage of



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I am really not sure why I don't just open the door and walk out at this point.

So my husband gets laid off from work in November. He hasn't applied for one job. He doesn't get unemployment.

I am stuck with all the bills. 
It isn't even like he is cleaning or anything like that. He cleaned the house well one time since then. He painted one room of the house.

He doesn't drive and refuses to learn so I am also stuck with getting the groceries too.

Like an idiot I thought he should go to school and get some more skills. So he started a course and it will be done in July. He does go and studies hard. The classes are only 1 full day and 1 half days so he could surely get something part time to help out.

When he is home he does nothing. Won't do dishes or cook me anything or clean up the house. 

Other than doing his homework he will stay up all night watching tv and playing video games.

I told him he needed to get a part time job. I even mentioned a few places that was hiring. He said yeah I guess I could get one for after school and he never followed up on any of it.

I told him he should start looking for work about a month before he graduates. He said well you know it is going to take me awhile to find a job. I see that as code for don't expect me to have a job because I am not going to look too hard.

The economy isn't an excuse. It is great here.

I am so tired and stressed I can barely make it to work myself.

I really don't know what else to do at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have a very strong bit of input on this topic as it hits home.

I agree that your husband’s attitude is not good at all. My husand started out just like yours in 2002. Now in 2012 he’s still sitting at home, doing nothing but playing computer games and surfing the web. I have tried everything to get him motivated. He seldom lifts a finger around the house.

I divorced him earlier this month. Now I have to get him to leave. He has not help a job in 10 years so there is the issue that he cannot support himself right now.

Do not let your marriage get to this point. Don’t be ‘understanding’ as I was. Give him an ultimatum, he has to have a part time job in 3 weeks or he has to move out and you will file for divorce. Something like that.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Even though women work full time, sometimes make more money than their spouses, have great education and careers, that old stigma of women having to do the housework and cooking still remains. 

More and more modern women are starting to resent their husbands because of lack of help around the house. It is no longer "women's work" it is just chores that need to be done, gender be damned. 

I also believe that when a man does help around the house they do a crappy job so we won't ask them to do it again. Some things never change . . .


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Let me reiterate what has already been said. Once "started", it doesn't stop unless you FORCE it to.



> My husand started out just like yours in 2002. Now in 2012 he’s still sitting at home, doing nothing but playing computer games and surfing the web.


Well, at the time my W "started", there was not yet any "web" to surf. However, she found ways to be idle through "sickness" and "pain".

For us men, there is nothing we can do but grin and bear it. If I got a divorce, the decree would have been for me to continue supporting her financially. I was simply making ends meet, as it was. I was "stuck" in court-ordered enabling.

Tragically, she died after 18 years of marriage from a prescription drug overdose. She had been hospitalized 5 times before, for the same reason.
She never returned to work, even the housework was either done by me or by a hired lady.

I felt relieved, as bad as that sounds. I didn't want her to die, or for anything bad to happen to her, I only wanted her to get up and go to work. Get clean from those drugs which robbed her of her life.

Despite the way she treated me all those years, I also felt a huge sense of loss and had a broken heart that she was gone. Even though I
am remarried, there is a "hole" in my heart and I feel sad about it now and again.



> I also believe that when a man does help around the house they do a crappy job so we won't ask them to do it again.


My current wife tells me not to do some things, however, I am good at some. She doesn't like the way I polish the floor or wash dishes. However, running the sweeper, doing laundry of my own clothes and the "junk" clothes (underwear, towels, sheets, etc) is good for her, so I do those things, and would do any other things to the best of my ability if she wanted.

I'm not a good cook, either, but I make up the already-cooked stuff for us about twice a week.

I think this is because in my home of origin, mom and dad both worked outside, and inside, the home. My mother usually, like me, did the cooking "from scratch", and my dad did the easy stuff like breakfast and pack lunches for all of us.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I feel it is a mans duty to support his family.My wife works about 10 hours a week at pre-school,I work 63 hours a week.I dont do a lot of housework or cooking and feel I should'nt have to.I do do all the outside work,projects around the house,maintenence on vehicles and handle all finances.If she is sick or has a lot to do,I have no problem helping out.Also I always pick up after myself,no one should have to clean up someone elses mess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi Tigger.
We can see what your husband does and how angry it's making your feel. What would like from him to make you happy? A job, but what else? Commitment, motivation, no more procrastination, intention.... What do you want deeply from him? What would be some ways to communicate this to him? Does he know the reasons why it's important for you? Just as-if you could be in his shoes, how do you think he sees you deal with life? Does he see your level of angriness, stress and unhappiness? How important is it for you to let him know? What would be the advantages of letting him know?
After all this, if he is still on the couch, What would be the next step? He doesn't want what you want, what's next? Are your values aligned with your kind of relationship? If you can align your values with him, how can you align them with your life?


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## jojoma (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi,
I share your resentment totally. I tend to keep it inside and feel like I could burst into tears. I just decided to put my foot down this week. My husband has been unemployed or underemployed (severely) for 2 years. He thinks certain jobs are beneath him. I have a pretty good paying job but we are living like poor people. I have gone through all of my savings and have no money to see my daughter or family in other states.
I know he has been filling out applications, but that is not enough. I suggested getting out of the house and putting on some nice clothes and network...put the resume with the face. He started drinking heavily a year ago, and I put hime through detox. I told him I wanted money coming into the house or else. I work FT as a nurse and am going to school for a Masters. Sometimes I find him on the couch when I get home, are you serious?
He finally went ou this morning to an interview for a job that he didnt want to do. Oh well. My fingers are crossed.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Yeah. I went through this with someone. Resentment seaped in really fast. Not sure if you have kids together or not (hoping not!) but here's what you can do. 

Go on strike. 

Make your own dinner. Leave whatever dirty dishes of his (and yours) in the sink. Use paper plates and plastic utencils. Do your own laundry. Pick up food that you like. Get your own toiletries. After all, you are the one paying for it, right? If he wants to have his favorite bag of chips then he can get a job and pay for it. You are making financial cuts and it starts with not buying his Pringles! 

This may seem like a punishment to him but first and foremost it is to give yourself a break. And it does stop the resentment from building. Because every time you clean his plate or wash his undies that resentment will continue to grow and grow. 

One of two things will happen. He will start helping around the house (because he has to!) or he will just sit back and let it all pile up with giving a crap. This is his choice to make. And depending on that choice you will have a clearer picture of the choice you need to make. You can't continue living like this for another day, another week or another month. 

When resentment builds up too much it is very difficult to recover. He needs a wake up call.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Here it is nearly 2013 and no job and not even looking. I'm beyond fed up.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Here it is nearly 2013 and no job and not even looking. I'm beyond fed up.


You are not beyond fed up if you are still allowing him to behave like a high schooler and leach off of you. He's been without a job for well over a year now and not even looking. You must be ready to face the fact that he WILL NOT CHANGE unless you give him a reason to. As long as you allow this behavior to go on, you are telling him it's ok with you for him to take advantage of you and to not get a job. 

Tell him he MUST get a job...any job, even a fast food restaurant if that's all he can get...within 3 months or you have no choice but to divorce him. Furthermore, he also MUST learn to drive and start taking responsibility as an adult. IMO, his refusal to learn to drive is a purposeful built-in excuse for him to not have to take on responsibility. It would be unacceptable to me.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

endlessgrief said:


> Even though women work full time, sometimes make more money than their spouses, have great education and careers, that old stigma of women having to do the housework and cooking still remains.
> 
> More and more modern women are starting to resent their husbands because of lack of help around the house. It is no longer "women's work" it is just chores that need to be done, gender be damned.
> 
> I also believe that when a man does help around the house they do a crappy job so we won't ask them to do it again. Some things never change . . .


That is the thing. It is deliberate. Pretending not to know how to do something or doing a lousy job so they won't have to do it again.

If they did this bs at work, they would be fired.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> Here it is nearly 2013 and no job and not even looking. I'm beyond fed up.


Why are you still putting up with this?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Waking up to life said:


> You are not beyond fed up if you are still allowing him to behave like a high schooler and leach off of you. He's been without a job for well over a year now and not even looking. You must be ready to face the fact that he WILL NOT CHANGE unless you give him a reason to. As long as you allow this behavior to go on, you are telling him it's ok with you for him to take advantage of you and to not get a job.
> 
> Tell him he MUST get a job...any job, even a fast food restaurant if that's all he can get...within 3 months or you have no choice but to divorce him. Furthermore, he also MUST learn to drive and start taking responsibility as an adult. IMO, his refusal to learn to drive is a purposeful built-in excuse for him to not have to take on responsibility. It would be unacceptable to me.


Yes, I am beyond fed up.

I can't even afford to leave now. 

The not learning to drive is an excuse not to be responsible.

I got on him today to get a job. 

He has been messing around with the garden and was saying he was doing x in the garden. I said, what I want you to do is to forget this other stuff and find a job right now. 

I told him to do this software tutorial to improve his skills. I am nagging him every day to do it and he refuses to do it.

He looked for a few jobs online and didn't apply for any and fell asleep.

If I am going to be stuck here with him for awhile, it is not going to be easy for him any more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how old are the two of you? 
How long have you been married and together?
Do you have children?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you still putting up with this?


You know, I am not really sure.

I am out of money and feeling trapped. I told myself I would never be in a situation where I feel trapped again and here I am trapped.

I am alone in a foreign country.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> how old are the two of you?
> How long have you been married and together?
> Do you have children?


I am older. The kids are grown. We've been together 8 years and married for 4. He was very employed until a year ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> I am older. The kids are grown. We've been together 8 years and married for 4. He was very employed until a year ago.


Yea, my husband was unemployed until he lost his job in 2002.. he was about 47 at the time. He's never worked since.

Does your husband have any family around there that he can go live with?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, my husband was unemployed until he lost his job in 2002.. he was about 47 at the time. He's never worked since.
> 
> Does your husband have any family around there that he can go live with?


I read some of your story. It seems similar. I am also in IT. I also set up many things to improve skills start a business but nothing.

He has someone here but they stopped speaking to us after we married. 

Are you going to stay?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> I read some of your story. It seems similar. I am also in IT. I also set up many things to improve skills start a business but nothing.
> 
> He has someone here but they stopped speaking to us after we married.
> 
> Are you going to stay?


I divorced my husband in March 2012.

I hate to say it but he's still living in my house. After we divorced I talked him into going back to college. Now that we are divorced he was able to get financial aid. He did well last semester, all A's. 

He starts school again on about 1/15. 

I spoke with him again over the holiday about him moving out. The only place he has to go to is a Veteran's home. so he needs some paperwork for it.

He of course says that he loves me and wants to stay with me. He's doing more around the house right now to show me that he's serious about it.

He does say that he feels much better about himself now that he's getting out in the world more.

I'm conflicted.


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## ms_irrevelant (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Tigger,
I read your post and although have browsed here for a little while have only just signed up, I do genuinely empathise with you, I felt like/feel like how do do, I know it ain't no fun!! and it seriously eats away at you, here at least you can get vent and share how your feeling, It is destructive to keep it all bottled up,... I am pretty isolated, have my parner but seems have lost family in the process, who I miss so much.. he hasn't worked in the 5 years we have been together, we don't live together yet! but I provide, support him completely, luckily i'm not a materialistic person but a card would at least be nice... I feel terrible for what may seem like i'm casting up stuff i do because I love this man, but I did feel taken advantage of, paying for shopping, bills, petrol, and he blatantly lied to me,... not about being on a dating site, cos I knew he was on it, we didn't meet there, it was the fact he would say goodnight and instantly logg on.. he since apparently has came of there!!! now since the past 2 weeks I discovered something, and I don't have the guts, strength to confront him about it, I have hinted and he assures me we are fine... but I'm not!!,...blah blah blah, but if your gut instinct tells you something ain't right, and your comstantly being told your *, or it's all in your head, what on earth do you do... here anytime to listen if you wanna get anything of your chest.. keep strong! know it ain't easy!! *hugs* x


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree whole-heartedly with EleGirl on this one... 

Although my STBXH always worked, he didn't have his GED. Oddly enough I also work in IT, and have made significant advances in my career. The more successful I became, the more I resented his lack of motivation. He even would joke about how some day he would quit his job and I would support everyone. I gave him an ultimatum that came and went... once the D was in process, he finally took the steps that I had been asking, but at that point I was completely withdrawn. If you care about your marriage, don't let it fester.

Honestly some men are just clueless and need that fire under their a$$.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ms_irrevelant said:


> Hi Tigger,
> I read your post and although have browsed here for a little while have only just signed up, I do genuinely empathise with you, I felt like/feel like how do do, I know it ain't no fun!! and it seriously eats away at you, here at least you can get vent and share how your feeling, It is destructive to keep it all bottled up,... I am pretty isolated, have my parner but seems have lost family in the process, who I miss so much.. he hasn't worked in the 5 years we have been together, we don't live together yet! but I provide, support him completely, luckily i'm not a materialistic person but a card would at least be nice... I feel terrible for what may seem like i'm casting up stuff i do because I love this man, but I did feel taken advantage of, paying for shopping, bills, petrol, and he blatantly lied to me,... not about being on a dating site, cos I knew he was on it, we didn't meet there, it was the fact he would say goodnight and instantly logg on.. he since apparently has came of there!!! now since the past 2 weeks I discovered something, and I don't have the guts, strength to confront him about it, I have hinted and he assures me we are fine... but I'm not!!,...blah blah blah, but if your gut instinct tells you something ain't right, and your comstantly being told your *, or it's all in your head, what on earth do you do... here anytime to listen if you wanna get anything of your chest.. keep strong! know it ain't easy!! *hugs* x


YOu should start your own thread so that you can get some support for what you are dealing with.


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## ms_irrevelant (Jan 4, 2013)

Ok, Thanks Elegirl, will do


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> I divorced my husband in March 2012.
> 
> I hate to say it but he's still living in my house. After we divorced I talked him into going back to college. Now that we are divorced he was able to get financial aid. He did well last semester, all A's.
> 
> ...


Does where he goes have student housing? He could rent a room somewhere too.

Can he get a part time job at the school?

We went through the school thing too. Went and did well but afterwards did absolutely nothing with it. I determined it was just a ploy to not have to look for work.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

ms_irrevelant said:


> Hi Tigger,
> I read your post and although have browsed here for a little while have only just signed up, I do genuinely empathise with you, I felt like/feel like how do do, I know it ain't no fun!! and it seriously eats away at you, here at least you can get vent and share how your feeling, It is destructive to keep it all bottled up,... I am pretty isolated, have my parner but seems have lost family in the process, who I miss so much.. he hasn't worked in the 5 years we have been together, we don't live together yet! but I provide, support him completely, luckily i'm not a materialistic person but a card would at least be nice... I feel terrible for what may seem like i'm casting up stuff i do because I love this man, but I did feel taken advantage of, paying for shopping, bills, petrol, and he blatantly lied to me,... not about being on a dating site, cos I knew he was on it, we didn't meet there, it was the fact he would say goodnight and instantly logg on.. he since apparently has came of there!!! now since the past 2 weeks I discovered something, and I don't have the guts, strength to confront him about it, I have hinted and he assures me we are fine... but I'm not!!,...blah blah blah, but if your gut instinct tells you something ain't right, and your comstantly being told your *, or it's all in your head, what on earth do you do... here anytime to listen if you wanna get anything of your chest.. keep strong! know it ain't easy!! *hugs* x


Thanks for posting on my thread. I'll come over to yours. It'll be good to have some support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> Does where he goes have student housing? He could rent a room somewhere too.
> 
> Can he get a part time job at the school?
> 
> We went through the school thing too. Went and did well but afterwards did absolutely nothing with it. I determined it was just a ploy to not have to look for work.


The student housing is only available during the semester. He has no money to pay for it either.

I told him to get a student job. But he said that since he sat on his a$$ for 10 years he could not handle school and a job the first semester. I agree with him on that. The first month he was so whiped out he could hardly stay awake at home.

The place we are looking at is a vetrin's home that will allow him to live there for 2-3 years free. He can get financial aid, some VA benefits, and a student job. He'd be done with the degree and then he can get a job.

How's the job market where you live?

What kind of alternative living can he get? Any place where he can go live?

I have an issue with kicking my non-husband out on the street. I'm a wimp I guess.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Pepper123 said:


> I agree whole-heartedly with EleGirl on this one...
> 
> Although my STBXH always worked, he didn't have his GED. Oddly enough I also work in IT, and have made significant advances in my career. The more successful I became, the more I resented his lack of motivation. He even would joke about how some day he would quit his job and I would support everyone. I gave him an ultimatum that came and went... once the D was in process, he finally took the steps that I had been asking, but at that point I was completely withdrawn. If you care about your marriage, don't let it fester.
> 
> Honestly some men are just clueless and need that fire under their a$$.


Hmmm all in IT. What is the deal? 

He hinted around that too because I made so much money he didn't need to work. 

It seems they just won't do anything until you take action and what that tells me is they know what they are doing and they don't care. They know they are using us but too bad.

If these guys cared about their marriage they would never do this to us!!!!


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> The student housing is only available during the semester. He has no money to pay for it either.
> 
> I told him to get a student job. But he said that since he sat on his a$$ for 10 years he could not handle school and a job the first semester. I agree with him on that. The first month he was so whiped out he could hardly stay awake at home.
> 
> ...


The veterans home sounds good. That way he won't be on the street. Does he have any friends or relatives?

Job market here is really good. He could find a place to live. There is lots of public assistance here and it sort of helps create a segment of the population that does nothing.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Time for an update.

As you can guess, nothing has changed.

He applied for a few jobs a little over a week ago.

Nothing since.

It is all just bs.

Staying up until 3am and sleeping until nearly 10am and then he fiddles around making some food and messing around and by then it is noon so then time for surfing the net, then watching tv.

Acckkkk!

The good news well sort of good news is that I got a new IT job and start next week. 

I could use some advice and suggestions about how to time things. Should I just post it on this thread or start a new one?

I guess I will put it down here first.

Since he comes to bed so late and always wakes me up and I will need my rest to get up at 6am and get ready for work, I a moving into the extra bedroom so I can get some sleep.
I mean it gets really old to be woken up every single blasted night at 2 or 3am.

The house is almost ready to be put up for sale. I was getting to the point of where I didn't give a squat what happened to it and just let it go into foreclosure or filing bankruptcy but I will try to sell it.

I am not sure how to time this in telling him I am done with the marriage.

After the house is sold? as I will have to move somewhere by then.

Before selling the house?

I did tell him back in Aug if he didn't get a job I was going to file for divorce. Guess he thinks I am joking.

you have to be separated a year to get one anyway here.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Time for an update.
> 
> As you can guess, nothing has changed.
> 
> ...


Same here, status quo. 

I was looking at apartments and thinking that if I move out, at least I'll be able to sleep.

I also have to be separated a year before I can file


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## JackDani3ls (Jan 26, 2013)

[QUOTE=

Make your own dinner. Leave whatever dirty dishes of his (and yours) in the sink. Use paper plates and plastic utencils. Do your own laundry. Pick up food that you like. Get your own toiletries. After all, you are the one paying for it, right? If he wants to have his favorite bag of chips then he can get a job and pay for it. You are making financial cuts and it starts with not buying his Pringles! 

Men dont care about dirty dishes or clothes. I've tried this one, it dont work. They'll use the same damn dirty dishes over & over. can walk right past piles of laundry, dishes, & their own wrappers like its a mirage & meant to be ignored. Mine has picked up the slack in that department, cause I told his mother! If it hadnt been for whatever she said, I'd still be dealing with the man slob factor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> Time for an update.
> 
> As you can guess, nothing has changed.
> 
> ...


Can you file for divorce now but then wait a year for it to be final? Or do you have to wait the year before filing? What a bummer.

If you tell him now he might have a miraculous recovery and find a job in a few days to save the marriage. Don't know if you want that now.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

pink_lady said:


> Same here, status quo.
> 
> I was looking at apartments and thinking that if I move out, at least I'll be able to sleep.
> 
> I also have to be separated a year before I can file


I saw you updated your thread with what you found out about passive aggression. 

Does he wake you up like that too?

Have you talked with a lawyer to see what your options are or have you not yet made a decision on how you are going to handle this?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

JackDani3ls said:


> Make your own dinner. Leave whatever dirty dishes of his (and yours) in the sink. Use paper plates and plastic utencils. Do your own laundry. Pick up food that you like. Get your own toiletries. After all said:
> 
> 
> > I stopped cooking and doing dishes months ago.
> ...


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> Can you file for divorce now but then wait a year for it to be final? Or do you have to wait the year before filing? What a bummer.
> 
> If you tell him now he might have a miraculous recovery and find a job in a few days to save the marriage. Don't know if you want that now.


You have to separated before filing it.

I told him 6 months ago I was filing if he didn't start looking for work.

Didn't matter.
The only thing left is to pack my stuff and leave.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Also, if he runs out and gets a job at this point, that solidifies even more he was doing this on purpose and that he can't be trusted.

Someone told me that you can't win the how low can you go with people like that because they KNOW you are responsible and that you won't let the house go into foreclosure or go without food.

It is easy for them to wait it out until you have suffered enough and go get a job.

It has no impact on them at all apparently.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tigger said:


> You have to separated before filing it.
> 
> I told him 6 months ago I was filing if he didn't start looking for work.
> 
> ...


Then tell him the day the house sells.

Does he have anywhere to move to now? If he does tell him to move now.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

EleGirl said:


> Then tell him the day the house sells.
> 
> Does he have anywhere to move to now? If he does tell him to move now.


He has no where to go either.


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