# Need advice



## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

Hello, I am a married 37 year old father of two and I think I want a divorce. The thing is we have been married for 10 years and been together for 19 years (since high school). I have been struggling with this thought off and on for the past few years and i just dont want to let my wife and kids down, so i go about my life and have dealt with depression and anxiety. We have a pretty healthy marriage, we never fight. Up until recently the sex was very regular. I don't seem to be attracted to her and feel like I haven't been for a long time. I am really not a bad guy and but I find myself fantasizing about other women.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
There is a reason it is referred to as fantasizing.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

A little lost1 said:


> Hello, I am a married 37 year old father of two and I think I want a divorce. The thing is we have been married for 10 years and been together for 19 years (since high school). I have been struggling with this thought off and on for the past few years and i just dont want to let my wife and kids down, so i go about my life and have dealt with depression and anxiety. We have a pretty healthy marriage, we never fight. Up until recently the sex was very regular. I don't seem to be attracted to her and feel like I haven't been for a long time. I am really not a bad guy and but I find myself fantasizing about other women.


It's a tough spot. I've had issues in my marriage for the past couple years and because of them I don't feel attracted to my wife anymore either. We've worked through most of our problems and things have gotten much better but I still find myself asking if this is what I still want. One of the only things really keeping me with her right now is our son. I go everyday hoping that something will happen to cause that spark again. What's happened recently that you think could've caused you to start feeling like this?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Are there other issues?

Otherwise fantasizing about other women and having a bit of a sexual lull is kind of normal. Something you can work through. Why are you going straight to divorce unless there are other issues you havent mentioned?


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> There is a reason it is referred to as fantasizing.


 Thanks for the great advice. I don't just fantasize about the women sexually, there is more to it than that. Like I said I am a good guy who just wants to have something special with someone.


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

Middle of Everything said:


> Are there other issues?
> 
> Otherwise fantasizing about other women and having a bit of a sexual lull is kind of normal. Something you can work through. Why are you going straight to divorce unless there are other issues you havent mentioned?


 There really isn't any other issues other than the fact that I am not happy anymore. I really do love this women, who is the mother of my two children. I just don't want to end our marriage on bad terms, such as me cheating.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

A little lost1 said:


> We have a pretty healthy marriage, we never fight. Up until recently the sex was very regular. I don't seem to be attracted to her and feel like I haven't been for a long time. I am really not a bad guy and but I find myself fantasizing about other women.


I don't think this is enough reason to destroy a relationship. I'm hoping there is much more to the story than you lusting over other girls. Clearly at one point you were attracted enough to the wife to marry her. I think you ought to spend MORE time getting back to that place (ie communicating your issues with her and work TOGETHER to spice things up) and less time fapping to thoughts of other women.


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> A little lost1 said:
> 
> 
> > We have a pretty healthy marriage, we never fight. Up until recently the sex was very regular. I don't seem to be attracted to her and feel like I haven't been for a long time. I am really not a bad guy and but I find myself fantasizing about other women.
> ...


 So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is. I feel like I have been with the same person since high school and have been completely faithful. She is really good to me so this is not easy on me at all.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Marriages and individuals commonly go through cycles. I get fantasizing other women when you and your partner aren't on the same plane. But, what have you honestly tried to get what you want in your marriage? Do you know how? 


You do know it just may be you and you may end up in the same place with someone else. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it sure is greener where you water it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things where you concentrate on each other -- quality time?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think it's normal to think about the opposite sex. I often think about other men and what I want in a partner. I'm not acting on it, just daydreaming.. ha

Have you tried focusing on you and your hobbies/interests and what makes you happy? Have you thought about therapy to talk about what you really need? Or maybe you and wifey need to take a getaway without the kids to reconnect.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

A little lost1 said:


> So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is. I feel like I have been with the same person since high school and have been completely faithful. She is really good to me so this is not easy on me at all.


You owe it to her to find out WHY you arent happy. And WORK at becoming happy again WITH her. 
Your marriage/wife isnt a car or house. It deserves more than Im bored with it and not happy, I want a different one.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

A little lost1 said:


> There really isn't any other issues other than the fact that I am not happy anymore. I really do love this women, who is the mother of my two children. I just don't want to end our marriage on bad terms, such as me cheating.


your not happy ? 

and you think its your wifes fault?

nobody can make you happy you have to make yourself happy.

I think you should set her free to find a real good guy not one who just says they are. you have not given any reasonable reason for a divorce in my opinion. 

did she cut the sex off?
did she cheat?
did she acquire a bunch of debt behind your back?
did she gain a 100lbs?
did she hit or abuse you?
did she do drugs and alcohol and act irresponsible?
did she cheat on her taxes?
did she eat the last oreo?

what in the world made you come to this decision that divorce might be the answer to your unhappiness?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

A little lost1 said:


> So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is. I feel like I have been with the same person since high school and have been completely faithful. She is really good to me so this is not easy on me at all.


Look buddy if this is true.....



A little lost1 said:


> I really do love this women, who is the mother of my two children


Then you are being a fool. You are letting LUST destroy the love in this relationship.

There is a big difference. So what you find a hot piece to nail for a few months well guess what?

That gets boring too, so you find another one and you continue to let your penis dictate your behavior.

They are MANY different ways to bring back lust into YOUR relationship. You don't have to throw it all away.

Go to couples therapy immediately and let your wife know why her husband is about to make a BIG mistake.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why are't you attractive to her? Open up. Overweight? Hair? Teeth? Personality?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

A little lost1 said:


> I am really not a bad guy


Look you probably aren't a bad guy so I'm offering you my last two cents.

I had to divorce my ho wife because she was a broken cheating sloot. 

Since then I've banged a bunch of girls from one with fake DD cans to twenty some things.

I would trade a loving wife who cared about me and a good mom for all the poon in the world. 

There's a lot of fvcked up people in the world. The grass isn't always greener.

Good luck dude. I feel SO sorry for your wife.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A little lost1 said:


> So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is.
> 
> *She and your children are not responsible for your happiness. Your happiness is entirely on you. They did nothing wrong, yet you seeking happiness else where would have them pay for it.*
> 
> ...


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

This board is really harsh and demeaning for a place to come to for advice. Look, I appreciate all the advice whether it be negative or positive towards me. Maybe this isn't the forum for me to go to in the first place. Again I am not yet divorcing my wife nor am I blaming her for my unhappiness....so let's just all calm down and take a deep breath.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This is a marriage board and you did start with "I think I want a divorce" You should have expected to be challenged as to why? 

This may not be the right place for you. Then again it may be a place you need. It's definitely not a place for hand holding and head patting, but it is a place where you may find answers. If you can get past that you might gain some insight from experiences of others. That's up to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A little lost1 said:


> Thanks for the great advice. I don't just fantasize about the women sexually, there is more to it than that. Like I said I am a good guy who just wants to have something special with someone.


What has happened that you have lost attraction for your wife?

You know you are also responsible for keeping the home fires burning, it is not all her responsibility. 
In long term marriages it is normal for up and down cylces (no pun intended : ) )

Before you pull the plug, considering other options, spicing up your sex life, taking holidays alone without kids, etc you should also consider MC if there are issues that have not been dealt with in the marriage.

Marriage is never about meeting your needs, it is about meeting the needs of the other person, marriage is hard work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A little lost1 said:


> So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is. I feel like I have been with the same person since high school and have been completely faithful. She is really good to me so this is not easy on me at all.


Typical mantra "i am perfect but my spouse is not" 

I think MC might reveal that you are not Mr Perfect after all. The entitlement you are displaying is quite amazing, you are basically saying, I haven't changed since the beginning therefore I am entitled to happiness and its my wife's job to provide it.

Do you hear yourself? Rather juvenile for a 37 year old. I think there is more to this.

You can get a divorce but I suspect your disatisfactions will go with you into another relationship. The bottom line is noone can make you happy, happiness comes from within, it is not the responsibility of your spouse to make your happy, remember that.


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

aine said:


> A little lost1 said:
> 
> 
> > So, if my happiness is not enough of a reason to look into divorce than what really is. I feel like I have been with the same person since high school and have been completely faithful. She is really good to me so this is not easy on me at all.
> ...


 Where did I say I was Mr. Perfect!? I think there is alot of people on here who have been hurt by another person in one way or another and your taking it out on someone who is looking for actual advice. Is it possible to end a marriage on good terms? From what I am hearing in order to end a marriage is through cheating or another form of distrust. I don't want it to get that far. I know I am not perfect and I continue to grow everyday.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

A little lost1 said:


> Where did I say I was Mr. Perfect!? I think there is alot of people on here who have been hurt by another person in one way or another and your taking it out on someone who is looking for actual advice. Is it possible to end a marriage on good terms? From what I am hearing in order to end a marriage is through cheating or another form of distrust. I don't want it to get that far. I know I am not perfect and I continue to grow everyday.


Just deciding you're no longer attracted to your wife or interested in your partner, while maybe not as nasty as cheating, is still necessarily a way to "end a marriage on good terms." I doubt your wife would think of you walking away because you just randomly stopped being happy as ending on good terms. 


Love is not just a feeling. It is action. It is doing whatever it takes to nurture and strengthen the bonds which tie you together. It is not just chucking it just because you don't "feel" the way you used to. In the absence of major breach of trust on your partner's part (cheating/abuse/uncontrollable debt, etc), it is incumbent on you to first seek ways to maintain those bonds. That should be your first thought. Work, and work hard, on togetherness. Work together. Grow together. Do together. If you're still not feeling anything, try counseling, both individual and couples/marital. Only after you've exhausted all other options, having poured your very heart and soul into them, do you start to think about walking away. 

I didn't see you mention if you had kids or not. Whatever you do... if you don't yet... don't! At least until you get this fully resolved and decide 100% you are in for the duration.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@A little lost1

Could you please answer this question?



EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things where you concentrate on each other -- quality time?


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

To be honest, we do not get to spend alot of time together. Busy with work and kids running us all over. We have never been away by ourselves(no honeymoon), but we have talked about it alot.



EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things where you concentrate on each other -- quality time?


[/QUOTE]


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

A little lost1 said:


> Is it possible to end a marriage on good terms? From what I am hearing in order to end a marriage is through cheating or another form of distrust. I don't want it to get that far. I know I am not perfect and I continue to grow everyday.


Yes it is very easy to end a marriage on good terms. "Honey - I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce. You get half of everything - goodbye". It's pretty simple really. 

But I have to warn you that divorce is hell. Nobody expects to live the rest of your life in misery in an unhappy marriage, but you owe it to your wife to at least tell her where you're at, and give yourselves a chance to figure it out together and move forward. As some others have already said, marriage is hard work. You may be ready to leave your wife because you're unhappy, but until you solve YOUR issues you will most likely repeat this unhappiness in future relationships.

Have you had a frank discussion with your wife about how you are feeling and what you want and need out of your marriage? If not then you need to do so ASAP. Have you ever considered that maybe your wife feels this way too? 20 years is a long time to be together - that's why it's so important to communicate, spend quality time together, and for each of you to spend quality time with yourselves (ie - hobbies, friends, etc.). I don't think your relationship is doomed by any means - sounds like you guys need a relationship tune up.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What have you seriously done in this relationship to get the marriage you want? 

Marriage counseling? Marriage programs? Self help books? Pastor? 

Wouldn't a loving marriage with your wife and family be preferable to divorce? Is that what you want?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If you don't love her or want to rekindle what you once had then move on. Tell her sorry I don't love you and would like a divorce. Sorry I made a horrible mistake and thought I loved you but now I realize I don't.

There you go is that the kind of advice your looking for?

hope you find the happiness your looking for. Just don't yank her chain and try to get her back after you realize the grass isn't always greener.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

"I'm not happy"....classic mid-life crisis.

dude if you think you are going to split on good terms and then go out and find Ms wonderful and sail away into bliss......you are mistaken. 

the grass is greenest where you water it. re-invest in your wife. it is completely NORMAL for the grass to wither. everything needs maintenance, including marriages.

ok and be honest here......i know you said you have been faithful...but are you sure there isn't someone flirting with you or giving you the warmies?


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## A little lost1 (Jul 18, 2017)

x598 said:


> ok and be honest here......i know you said you have been faithful...but are you sure there isn't someone flirting with you or giving you the warmies?


 I have had women flirt, but it wasn't anyone in particular and no one that I ever felt a connection with.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

A little lost1 said:


> I have had women flirt, but it wasn't anyone in particular and no one that I ever felt a connection with.


and how did that make you feel? your stock price go up? ego inflated a notch or two? make you re-think things meaning you could do "better"? long for the spontaneity of youth?

because who wouldn't be flattered? it just isn't real......


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

A little lost1 said:


> To be honest, we do not get to spend alot of time together. Busy with work and kids running us all over. We have never been away by ourselves(no honeymoon), but we have talked about it alot.


[/QUOTE]

So you're sharing child rearing duties. You're sharing housework. You're sharing all those things for which two sets of hands make lighter work than one. 

You aren't happy--almost assuredly because you have all this "life" to deal with and aren't getting enough time together to sustain the relationship.

Now... your proposed solution to provide you the happiness you seek is to split--maintain two households instead of one--coparent rather than parent together, etc--all of which will _take more time _and leave _less for you to pursue the happiness you seek_.

If you're looking for the ability to properly nurture and sustain a relationship that you will find fulfilling, please understand right up front that doing so from a position of a split family can be significantly more difficult than doing it from a position of an intact household.


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## Tyvinjoot (Jul 13, 2017)

Divorce is not the solution for your anxiety and depression. You need to reconnect reach out and stick with your family. Is your wife complaining about your low desire on having sex with sex? Did she know that you're suffering from anxiety?
Think of your kids having a broken family and are you really willing to give up the 19 years of healthy relationship.


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## DancingInAStorm (Jul 15, 2017)

I wish i could show this to my husband. He is doing exactly what A little lost1 is doing. But now he is leaving me and our two kids. 

I've been in tears for weeks now, confused, lost.

No where to go, been a sahm for 15 years. He's unhappy so he gets to move on and start a new life.

(***NOTE*** This is not my full story. I am only posting in response to the Op.)



Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

DancingInAStorm said:


> I wish i could show this to my husband. He is doing exactly what A little lost1 is doing. But now he is leaving me and our two kids.
> 
> I've been in tears for weeks now, confused, lost.
> 
> ...


OP,
There was a world of advice in my initial post but one has to have the ability to see and understand it. What is happiness? How does one find it? It is found within not without. There are many that would give much for the life you have and yet you are unhappy. You will find that your unhappiness will follow you from relationship to relationship because it is not your wife that is causing it, it is you and your fantastic perceptions about what brings about happiness. Happiness is contentment. Want leads to unhappiness. Instead of thinking what you want try thinking about what you have.

One can find happiness almost anywhere if they are willing to see it. And accept it. So......there is a reason they call it fantasizing.


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