# I have a bad feeling about this...........



## Factor_88 (Jun 5, 2017)

First post here. This will be long…sorry I guess I need the catharsis.

My Wife and I have been married just over 10 years, dated for about three before that. We’re in our late 40’s and have two elementary school age children together, she also has a daughter from a previous marriage in college; I work a good full time job and she’s a stay at home mom. For the past two years our relationship has been getting worse and worse. She’s been emotionally distant, displaying resentment towards me, acting uphappy, but whenever I try to talk to her about it she says “you can’t do anything, only I can make myself happy”. About 5 months ago she made an abrupt change in her lifestyle, she quit drinking (we were both slightly above the “moderate” level), started exercising, and went vegetarian. She also got involved with some on line positive affirmation mentor (for a fee, of course).

Before we started dating she was a yoga instructor, part time, in addition to holding down a full time job in customer service for a hotel chain. Shortly after we met, she quit both jobs in order to start a home-based business so she could spend more time with her daughter (who at the time was in elementary school). I was opposed to this as it seemed to me the businesses she was getting involved with were nothing more than pyramid schemes. That should have been my first clue as it quickly dawned on me that she wasn’t interested in my rational critiques, she only was interested in either unconditional, enthusiastic support or at the very least keeping my critiques to myself. I chose the second option, because, hell, l was in love with her and felt like we could probably get by on my salary, as long as I never funded any of her get rich quick schemes (and I never did). Needless to say, she pi$$ed away much of her savings on scams that led to nothing, but we did OK financially (for a while).

Because of expenses associated with our two children, money has been tight. No savings, credit card balances creeping up, etc. etc. 

Three weeks ago I overheard her talking to her best friend on the phone when she thought I was outside. I caught the phrases “he doesn’t know” and “I can’t go on like this, I’ve got to make a change”. So I start snooping. Looking through some paperwork and by (I’m embarrassed to say) flat out eavesdropping, I find out she wants to open her own yoga studio. Now, she has not taught in over 10 years, and never ran her own studio, and does not even plan to ease back into it part time at someone else’s studio. Since I (we) don’t have the money for her to start a business, I’m concerned she is planning on getting it from her father (her mother passed years ago), who recently had a stroke and had to move into assisted living and sold his house. So I bet she’s going to use his money, which pretty much needs to last him the rest of his life (and won’t by my calculations assuming he lives at least 3 more years).

But what’s worse, tucked away in my wife’s paperwork was a worksheet from her affirmation mentor designed to list her goals. All but one was about the yoga studio, but that one simply said “move out with the kids”.

I was crushed.

Yes, I know, I could be reading it wrong. But I believe I’ve been in a game of emotional chicken, where she wants to make me so miserable that I ask for the divorce. See, my wife likes to play the role of the martyr, and she wants this whole thing to be my fault, I’m sure.

Anyway, the day after I saw what I think her plans were I waited for a right time (kids not around) and asked her to go to family counseling. She was momentarily stunned, then quickly got a fierce look in her eyes, said “That won’t do any good” and turned and left the room. I walked over to my computer and sent her an email saying that I was sorry that she was not willing to try counseling for the good of our family because I still loved her and wanted to work it out. She eventually replied (via email) that she regretted her response, but upon further consideration was willing to try, and that we should talk further when the kids were not around. Whether she’s sincere, or if she was just unwilling to hand me a scrap of paper that proves I was willing to try but she wasn’t, only time will tell.

Now ‘m just waiting for the right time to talk details about the counseling, a conversation where doubtless she will tell me much more about what her issues are.

I guess I’m not looking for any advice, I just needed to vent. I don’t really have any close friends, and talking to my parents is out of the question, at least for now. I’ll probably drop by every week or so to update my story.

F_88


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You're a doormat. Sending your wife an email? WTF?

What's your sex life look like? Do you two make out? Is there a marriage to be saved here?

Does she not find you attractive? Are you there emotionally for her?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice, so stay tuned.

My concern has to do with her father. Elder fraud is a very real and serious thing and it is usually committed by children taking advantage. If you are concerned that she may be trying to take money from her father by coercion when he is in a mentally or physically hindered/weakened state, then you need to protect him. He needs a health advocate if he does not already have one, and a social worker to help evaluate his ability to manage his own finances and make financial decisions. If you are based in the US, there are a lot of services available to help the elderly. 

http://www.caregiverstress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/1_Seniors_Fraud_Protection_Kit_US.pdf

Since you know that your wife has already been checking out of the relationship, you should probably protect your own side, secure a lawyer, and know your rights. Your mention of counseling clued her into your suspicions, and now she will probably act like she is willing to do anything to keep you apeased while she continues to plan behind your back. I'm not trying to raise your suspicion more than is warranted, and you should try MC to see whether it is possible to communicate about your issues, but keep both eyes open.


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## Factor_88 (Jun 5, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> You're a doormat. Sending your wife an email? WTF?


Smart people document conversations.

Am I a doormat? Possibly. But I am NOT stupid.


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## Factor_88 (Jun 5, 2017)

Satya said:


> My concern has to do with her father. Elder fraud is a very real and serious thing and it is usually committed by children taking advantage. If you are concerned that she may be trying to take money from her father by coercion when he is in a mentally or physically hindered/weakened state, then you need to protect him.


I don't believe my wife is trying to take advantage of him; he actually is mentally pretty sharp, his assisted living has more to do with how the stroke affected him physically. I really think she actually believes her new venture will work out, and he is willing to take the leap of faith with her. So as mad as I am at her about this thing, it just doesn't rise to the level of fraud or abuse. It's just poor judgment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, it seems like it would be smarter to have a real conversation with her in person rather than via text or email, so you can look her in the eyes, you know? Assuming you're having the conversation to FIX the marriage, and not just to get rid of her and save your assets.

You can record that conversation with a cheap recorder. 

As for what to do, the FIRST thing you need to do is go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are, what she can legally take away from you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Her hair brained schemes is one thing but her furtive planning is another. You need to get ahead of the curve, she may well be biding her time before she walks out on you and wants to keep you sweet meanwhile by agreeing to go to counselling.

1. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are, be prepared.
2. Confront her and tell her you have reason to believe she is planning on leaving you (say someone told you), she will be shocked, before you do, VAR the house and the car, as she will be trying to find out who let the cat out of the bag, e.g. her friend. Do NOT reveal that you found out the info yourself.
3. Your going to counselling does not mean she will tell you anything and may use it as a stick to beat you with, that is too much a 'softly softly' approach.
4. If she wants to leave, give her what she wants. It seems that she has many hair brained schemes none of which come to fruition, this is probably one of them.

Do not play nice, she does not deserve it and will not appreciate it, play hardball.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

If your credit is decent, she could be considering financing the yoga studio, or going into partnership with someone. You don't really know how she's planning to fund it, or even if she's planning to open one anytime soon. You need to talk with her about what you've found. There is nothing wrong with looking at her paperwork- you two are married and you have every right to know what is going on in your marriage.

I see a few issues here:

1. Your wife is engaged in independent behavior. She is not operating like a married woman. She's paying for coaching and making decisions/plans without your input and agreement. This has to stop. 

2. Your wife is not in love with you. She may not be intentionally trying to make you miserable, but if you're feeling that way, it's because she's not interested in creating a mutually fulfilling relationship with you right now. How much time do you two spend together dating? You can turn this around, but you need to stop living like roommates and start creating a romantic relationship with your wife. I'd get the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters and start following the steps to improve your marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You realize you can't trust your wife, right? Ok, good.

Now, please tell me you are going to protect yourself financially. Now. With qualified legal advice you follow. Seriously, your wife has proven she doesn't make good financial decisions and eventually her poor choices could cost you all or part of your assets.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Factor_88 said:


> Smart people document conversations.
> 
> Am I a doormat? Possibly. But I am NOT stupid.


Assuming you live anywhere in the United States save for possibly a few outlier places...if this comes to divorce, the only thing you need is to file papers saying you want to get divorced, and all the documentation in the world won't have any bearing in the actual divorce settlement.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Factor_88 said:


> ...but that one simply said “move out with the kids”.
> 
> I was crushed.
> 
> Yes, I know, I could be reading it wrong.


Exactly HOW could you read that wrong?

As others said, start protecting yourself. One thing to do is to separate credit cards because if he goes the yoga studio route she may be charging things and you'll be on the hook for them.


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## Factor_88 (Jun 5, 2017)

Thanks to all for the words. A couple responses in no particular order....

Lots of comments on getting a lawyer and protecting my assets. I don't have any to speak of. Well, I do but, when you factor in my debts, my total net worth is -107,000. Getting a lawyer is probably the best move, but will be difficult for me to afford. Let me ask the experienced out there, did you really get good, solid advice from an initial consult with a lawyer? I’m not anti-lawyer, but they have three concerns, protecting their client, protecting their practice, and making money (not necessarily in that order). Doing the first 2 of things those things requires careful review of the client’s situation, which requires time, which requires billable hours. Given my financial situation, I’m not sure that would be worth it. So do you think in an initial consult a lawyer would actually tell me if it was worth it?

I heard a couple suggestions on recording devices. That’s a felony in my state. Sorry.

I probably did not really communicate what I meant by documentation. I do understand that in court having evidence my wife was not acting in good faith about really wanting to save our marriage will mean diddly. But there is the Court of Public opinion (our families, our friends, our church) who mean something as well. If it comes to divorce, I’m certainly much more concerned about my children’s emotional and financial support than something as petty as assigning percent blame. But if it did go the route where she started to sling mud, well……………

And yes adults have conversations where they look each other in the eye. That’s been tried, with a storming out of the room being the inevitable result. So that’s why we need professional, mediated counseling.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Shock and awe. Walk straight up to her and tell her that you happened to see her list. First, the yoga studio? GONE. She needs to go to work, and you want a full report in a week of where she has applied. She doesn't like it, fine, go somewhere else to be supported. Second, her moving out? Tell her that you have secured the services of a lawyer, she is free to go, you are keeping the kids and the house. Tell her to move in with her father as a full time caregiver.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You could call around and see if you can find a few attorneys who offer a free consultation. You could also get online and do some research on divorce in your state. Just so you will be informed and not have to listen to her ideas of how things are going to be. Knowledge is power, right?

If you want to go to counseling, and try to save this marriage....then tell her that you are going to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell her that you want to improve things for "US" and for the family and that maybe a third party will help with the communication. Maybe your insurance, or your workplace offers an EAP, to help you afford it. And don't tell her this, but if it looks like the counseling isn't helping, or that she isn't doing her part, then counseling could help with the best way to split up. 

I think you have to consider the financial burden. If she is planning on opening a studio, she could screw up your credit. If you think its bad now.... it can get worse. Her debt may be considered marital property and you may have to help pay it. Do not move out of your house without legal advise, and do not listen to wife's ideas of how it is going to go legally.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Factor_88 said:


> She was momentarily stunned, then quickly got a fierce look in her eyes, said “That won’t do any good” and turned and left the room.


This was an honest reaction, and should tell you everything you need to know about this woman. She was stunned because she's not ready to ditch you yet. Her plan is rolling forward, but she still needs you (ahem - your wallet) for a little while longer.



Factor_88 said:


> She eventually replied (via email) that she regretted her response, but upon further consideration was willing to try, and that we should talk further when the kids were not around.


She doesn't have all the means to execute her plan yet, so of course she's willing to try. Uh yeah...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Factor_88 said:


> Thanks to all for the words. A couple responses in no particular order....
> 
> Lots of comments on getting a lawyer and protecting my assets. I don't have any to speak of. Well, I do but, when you factor in my debts, my total net worth is -107,000. Getting a lawyer is probably the best move, but will be difficult for me to afford. Let me ask the experienced out there, did you really get good, solid advice from an initial consult with a lawyer?


I did. I found a local lawyer and paid $50 for an hour, and she showed us what steps to take to protect my H from unscrupulous bosses (two different sets). All I needed to know was what my rights were and what steps I could take. $50 well spent.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Why wait and let her make all of her plans to leave you while you finance her goals? 

Get ahead of it and make your own decisions. Start by deciding you're worth something much better than her


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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