# Worried about my husbands interest in another woman.



## veryconcernedwife

It all started when my husband left the job he'd been doing previously, and came to the one where I was working. I thought that working together would maybe bring us a little closer, since we'd have more to relate with, and that it would make life in general a little more easy for many other reasons. I never once thought that I would suddenly have this indescribable worry and dread that is impossible for me to ignore or push aside for very long. But, much to my dismay, that's exactly what happened. 

It didn't start too long after he got there. Soon, he started talking about this woman from work, one that he saw on a daily basis and interacted with throughout the day regularly due to the work we all do, while I was in another office and only saw him before and after work, or during lunch. It was just one story about her, which is why I didn't pay it much attention at first, because people talk about people. That's just what they do. But then I realized that it was becoming a more frequent thing, and the troubling aspect of it was, he was only talking about one of the many women he works just as closely with. 

He was saying teasing things about her. Saying how short she was, but in a way that made it seem like he thought she was cute. I could see by the way he smiled that he did. He would talk about how she did this, or that, and just seemed to be bringing her up whenever he got the chance. He even stopped mentioning the guys he worked with, and the topic somehow always was about, or, if I tried to change it, came back to her. 

It really bothered me. So one day I asked him, just curious as to what he would say, "If I wanted you to stop talking to someone -- anyone -- would you do it?" Immediately he retorted, "Are you jealous of So-And-So?!" I hadn't mentioned a gender, and the fact that she was the first thing that came to his mind worried me. After that, he seemed to calm down when it came to talking about her.

Then one day, on our way home, she happened to be crossing the street. When he realized it was her, and saw her wave at him, (which I'm not sure if it's important but she didn't acknowledge the fact that I was in the car at all in any way) his face lit up so brightly that I instantly felt this immense sadness, and for a guy that almost never smiles, and never does outside of the house, he was grinning ear to ear and waved back. 

I felt stupid this whole time, like I was just starting to become this jealous person I never used to be, that I was making stuff up, or just singling things out, but things progressed from there. The employees of our job went on a trip, and being pregnant, I couldn't go, when he came back the first person he had to say anything about was this woman, and he couldn't wait to tell me how he and the guys were being so loud that she came in to the room they were in, half asleep since it was so late, with her hair all messy in this cute way, with one eye closed telling them to keep it down. And as he told me, he smiled the whole time, in a way that just didn't sit well with me. 

I knew then, that even if he wasn't cheating, which I'm still not sure if he was/is, he was undoubtedly attracted to her. And that terrified me, and terrifies me still.

I stopped acknowledging any conversation about her. For a while we grew distant from each other. I was so worried that he was becoming more and more attracted to this woman, that I could barely act normal. But over time, when he quieted down again, I started to get back into the normal flow of things. 

There were a couple more little things that happened that, from what I've read from sites like these and others, could be red flags. 

Last night, I was showing him a video of my training about a year ago. The woman and I did the same training. Every time there was a frame with her in it, he would make the effort to pause the video, or go back to where he thought he saw her and then pause it, and point it out. He'd laugh and smile. 

I don't want to overreact, but I'm afraid that his attraction for this woman will grow into something more and that eventually, down the line, when he has an opportunity, he'll cheat on me with her. I know her, and I hear a lot about her from fellow co-workers. She is a huge flirt. My husband told me a story about how they were all sitting together and she stretched out her leg so she could place her feet on his foot. So it was obvious she was/is attracted to him too, and that makes me feel like she would provide that opportunity for them to do something.

I need advice, badly. I'm desperate to get some. I find myself worrying when he goes out that he's sneaking away to do something with her. And more often, I find myself worrying that he's more attracted to her than he is me, that he thinks about her more than he thinks about me. I'm terrified to lose him to someone else, and I try so hard not to. I try to make him as happy as possible in all ways that I can. 

If anyone could give me some insight, or just share their opinions on whether or not I should feel this afraid and worried, it would be greatly appreciated. 


Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Kimberley17

Have you discussed any if this with him? I think it's highly inappropriate on his part.


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## veryconcernedwife

To be perfectly honest, I haven't discussed it with him, but there's a reason. I'm not sure if it's a good one, but it's one that's keeping me from saying anything. 

I guess I feel like if I bring it up, knowing him, he'll just get mad and say that I'm being stupid or something, and then he'll stop talking about her. The thing is, I have this fear that just because he stops talking about her, it doesn't mean he'll stop thinking about her, or being attracted to her, and I feel like that it'll bring more of his attention to the fact that he feels this way about her which might make him do what he may be thinking of doing already even more. I'm nervous he'll lie to me, or is lying to me, and on top of that, he's not one for communicating.

I can't even get him to sit down and have a serious, very much needed conversation about my leaving the job I have right now due to the new baby and issues with care if I were to stay -- which is a whole different issue -- and it's so frustrating. All he'll say on that note is "Do what you want. I'm not going to stop you." 

Another thing that bothers me, is he'll accuse me of cheating or something and I fear that he might be projecting, or getting upset because he's feeling guilty. For example, when he came home for breakfast today, he said, "Did you get your boyfriend out fast enough?" I've never ever given him any reason to think these things about me, but he's scarred from his last relationship which ended in divorce. 

How do you approach someone that avoids uncomfortable conversations? He'll literally get up and leave the room if he gets to frustrated or uncomfortable. I don't even know where to begin.


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## thatbpguy

A few things become apparent...

He clearly is deeply infatuated with her. If they haven't done anything (and whoever knows if they have) he sure wants to. But what surprises me is that he is flaunting his infatuation with her in your face. Either he is deeply immature & stupid or doing so on purpose to hurt you (again, a sign of immaturity). 

When you say he talked and talked about her, then really backed off doing so, and then started a bit again it tells me one of 3 things- either, 1) he professed his love to her and she rebuffed him and it hurt his testosterone levels, 2) they had some sort of betrayal together and then stopped, or 3) she has fallen for someone else and he is wounded over it.

But the fact he was so deeply disrespectful to you, his pregnant wife, is of great concern. And rubbing the other woman in your face is hurtful.

Also, the fact he accuses you of a betrayal tells me he is either hiding his own, hiding the one he wants to have or a controlling idiot. 

Clearly there are some serious issues in your marriage. I recommend counseling together where you bring all these issues up and/or do a little snoopong on him via his phone and computer.


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## yellowstar

thatbpguy said:


> A few things become apparent...
> 
> He clearly is deeply infatuated with her. If they haven't done anything (and whoever knows if they have) he sure wants to. But what surprises me is that he is flaunting his infatuation with her in your face. Either he is deeply immature & stupid or doing so on purpose to hurt you (again, a sign of immaturity).
> 
> When you say he talked and talked about her, then really backed off doing so, and then started a bit again it tells me one of 3 things- either, 1) he professed his live to her and she rebuffed him and it hurt his testosterone levels, 2) they had some sort of betrayal together and then stopped, or 3) she has fallen for someone else and he is wounded over it.
> 
> But the fact he was so deeply disrespectful to you, his pregnant wife, is of great concern. And rubbing the other woman in your face is hurtful.
> 
> Also, the fact he accuses you of a betrayal tells me he is either hiding his own, hiding the one he wants to have or a controlling idiot.
> 
> Clearly there are some serious issues in your marriage. I recommend counseling together where you bring all these issues up and/or do a little snoopong on him via his phone and computer.


Unfortunately I agree with this...I really hope there is not much more to the story (which you can hopefully find out from snooping) but I think you need to quietly check. And I know what you mean, if you react to much, he'll just take it underground and lie to you. I definitely think some MC together is needed, I'm so sorry he's doing this to you while pregnant. I'm pregnant too and going through a few issues and it SUCKS even more when your feelings are all over the place


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## JustSomeGuyWho

thatbpguy said:


> A few things become apparent...
> 
> He clearly is deeply infatuated with her. If they haven't done anything (and whoever knows if they have) he sure wants to. But what surprises me is that he is flaunting his infatuation with her in your face. Either he is deeply immature & stupid or doing so on purpose to hurt you (again, a sign of immaturity).
> 
> *It also surprises me that he would flaunt this in your face. It may be that he doesn't realize he's doing it. If he talks about her to you then somehow this inappropriate relationship is somehow ok and isn't inappropriate ... in his mind. He knows deep down that it is. He IS infatuated with her and if he has the opportunity, he is very likely to take it further. He wants to and he knows it.*
> 
> When you say he talked and talked about her, then really backed off doing so, and then started a bit again it tells me one of 3 things- either, 1) he professed his love to her and she rebuffed him and it hurt his testosterone levels, 2) they had some sort of betrayal together and then stopped, or 3) she has fallen for someone else and he is wounded over it.
> 
> *I don't necessarily agree with this. Seems more likely that he is correctly reading your cue that you don't want to talk about her. I think that at this point he realized that he has said more than he should. If he wants to take it further then he can't talk about her to you anymore.*
> 
> But the fact he was so deeply disrespectful to you, his pregnant wife, is of great concern. And rubbing the other woman in your face is hurtful.
> 
> *It is disrespectful and hurtful. I don't think he is doing this to be disrespectful and hurtful ... I'd bet it hasn't even crossed his mind. He's too infatuated with this other woman.*
> 
> Also, the fact he accuses you of a betrayal tells me he is either hiding his own, hiding the one he wants to have or a controlling idiot.
> 
> *He knows it is inappropriate. He knows it is what he wants to do whether he has already done it or not. It is already a betrayal. It is an emotional affair whether it is reciprocated or not.*
> 
> Clearly there are some serious issues in your marriage. I recommend counseling together where you bring all these issues up and/or do a little snoopong on him via his phone and computer.
> 
> *Agree*


This relationship has the potential to destroy your marriage. I do not know if it has progressed any further ... I suspect it hasn't but you need to do a little digging. I would post this on CWI if you want recommendations on how to go about this. Even if it doesn't progress further, it is on his mind and he is capable of it. Dig into it, making sure there isn't evidence that it isn't anything more but do it quickly because this needs to be stopped cold.


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## Laila8

Ugh, I'm so sorry about all this.  This is the last thing you need to deal with, especially when pregnant. I really think you need to confront him about this woman. He is not acting appropriately at all. It sounds like they are having an EA. She is completely inappropriate as well...stretching her feet out to rest them on his? Wow.


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## yours4ever

Hi.

You need to have a back bone, be assertive! 
TELL/SHOW him that you are very concern. Be angry, be worried in front of him, 
Ouh, ask him how would he feel if the table were turned.

TALk to him! DONT beat around the bush. Tell it like it is.

Also, go see the gal. Tell her what's bothering you, be clear. Show her you are pregnant. Share your concern, warn her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


Please scold your husband. He is doing that because you allow him to treat you that way.


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## veryconcernedwife

I just wanted to let everyone know that I really appreciate your opinions and advice and I've taken them into great consideration. I confronted my husband the other day about the whole situation, and let him know how I felt in the gentlest way possible, but as I was afraid of, he dismissed it with a "this is stupid" statement, and then fell silent, and has pretty much remained silent. 

Now our relationship is a little more strained, and work's insane hours conflicting with both of our schedules is not helping. The only thing I could get out of him further on the topic was "Well, I'm a cheater then. You know, that's facebook worthy. I should let everyone know I'm a cheater." And now he randomly mentions how he's "a cheater" now, despite the fact I never once called him a cheater and have explained that I don't think he is or was one, that I was just concerned of an attraction I believed he had.

To give any curious minds some insight into what happened, I will explain what my stressed out and tired mind can remember of the conversation.

We were in the car, and I knew I'd have to have the conversation in the car or else he would just take the opportunity to leave and it would never happen. He's the one that brought up cheating, and I think it was because now that he's on swings and I'm on days, he believes that I have all this time to cheat without him finding out. All I want to do when I get home is sleep, because running on three to four hours of sleep has taken a toll on me. Somehow, and I honestly can't remember, I mentioned that I wasn't worried about him physically cheating (which is slightly untrue), but maybe that he might like someone even if he realizes it or not. Right away he said the name of who I was talking about, asking me if I was talking about her. I said yes, and that's when he exclaimed that "this is stupid," and stopped talking. I didn't want to end it right there, so I told him I'd explain why I felt that way. I did and I thought I could see in his face that maybe he didn't really realize what he'd been doing, or didn't realize that it was so obvious. But, that's just me guessing.

Anyway, after his "I'm a cheater" comments, we didn't talk much anymore. He'd made some comments that he didn't even like the woman, that he doesn't have time to cheat, and that he was only pausing frames on her because she was the only one he knew in the video. I didn't know what to say. I thought that maybe after he had all of this time to think about it at work he would be more willing to talking about it all once he got home. But instead, once he did get home, he made sarcastic comments about him being a cheater, and even though we slept in the same bed, we didn't touch, and he turned his back to me.

We haven't really been getting along since, and things have been extremely tense. I'm not sure how things will go from here, but I'm hoping that they get better. 

Last night, I tried to be closer to him and act a little more normal. I draped my arm over him during the night and he plucked it off and dropped it off to the side. It crushed me, and I turned over, my back to him, so he wouldn't see that I was crying. He got mad and pointed out that I'd turned away, and I told him the only reason I did was because he didn't want me to touch him. He didn't say anything after that, but just went to bed. 

I'm not sure what this means for us, and time will only tell. I'm not sure how to approach things now, or how to fix them, but I'm hoping that maybe over some time, and with a little patience, it'll all work itself out. I'm hoping it does, for the sake of our kid, at least, which will be arriving in early August.

Again, thank you everyone for everything. Bringing it up to him relieved such immense stress and the inner turmoil that I had, and although my worry is far from gone, and now there are some new worries, I have been relieved that I finally got that off of my chest. Although it didn't turn out how I would have hoped (not that I even have an idea as to how I wanted things to turn out since I'm logical enough to know it wouldn't just suddenly become the perfect marriage), it was worth finally speaking my mind.


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## Laila8

I'm so sorry. His reaction was not very encouraging to say the least. Sounds like he is being very cold to you. You are carrying his child! He needs to treat you with kindness and respect.


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## yours4ever

hey,

Problems don't just disappear, we need to solve them.

Now, at least he knows I have feelings, that he have to respect me, and that he realizes I am his wife.

When I see him, I will say, "your child is in me. He needs you, I need you." 

"I didn't say you are a cheater, I merely told you that I am concern."

And then I will give him time to process that.

I have a right to be concern and upset, but now he accused me to saying him a cheater?? That's stupid! I deserved to be heard. He is unreasonable. He needs reminder that he is a father and a husband.




STAND UP for your right!!!
Go meet the gal immediately while you can.
Be angry! 


Hey, read my post again, out loud to yourself, with a determine and angry voice, thrice. 
I care for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever

He treats you that way because you allow him
if he cheats, you are partly to be blamed. Be strong, he needs a strong, self respected woman, not a soft spoken gal who allows herself to be played. 


I deserve to be treated with respect. Say that again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

Download the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. Read it yourself and insist that your husband read it. You need to stop being so timid and fearful. Your marriage is seriously threatened by this and you have to stop letting him put you on the defensive. Stand your ground. Be calm but confident and determined. Marriage is for two people, not three. Tell him he has to read the book if he wants to be married to you.


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## TCSRedhead

Hub was working with a woman and they became really friendly. He didn't do or say anything inappropriate but it made me really uncomfortable.

He was going to meet her on a Saturday to look at a car she owned for our daughter. I tagged along. It was clear when she saw me with him that hadn't been her intention and she was disappointed.

I asked him to scale it back and he did out of respect for me and my feelings. Our marriage and relationship was more important to him than any friendship with this woman and that meant a lot to me.


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## karole

Your husband sounds extremely immature and childish.


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## Goldmember357

He should NOT get upset/mad in any way. He should stop talking to her or PROVE to you that its nothing much. He is acting shady and that's an issue. If he gets defensive and does not respect your feelings when you bring it up again that is a red flag. 

Best of luck


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## IsGirl3

you are the one who wants to make peace and don't want to ruffle any feathers. I am the same as you - I fear anger and I back off right away and it seems that no matter how right I think I am, the other person flips it around so that I feel like the wrong one.

You're trying to win back your husband from his anger by getting close to him again to show that all is forgiven and let's forget.

that is a strategy of these people. i read it hear at TAM all the time. They get angry and the wronged one backs off. You are not wrong here. STand firm. Tell him that your marriage is in danger. He has no right to shut you down or walk out of a serious conversation about the state of your marriage or future responsibilities. And if he keeps shutting you down and getting angry, tell him that this is so serious that you need to go to marriage counseling and if he doesn't join you, go yourself. He is being adversarial and totally disrespectful of you and your feelings. He's now "fake" boasting that he's a cheater? Well maybe you should take him at his word, then. You do not want to be married to a cheater or a man who flaunts his flirtations with another woman. It is disgusting anytime, but especially now while you are pregnant. His behavior is deplorable. 

As others said, stand up for yourself and now it's your turn to get angry and stay angry. If he wants to keep you, he'd better start acting a hell of a lot more loving towards you.


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## Pault

In response to your problem. All Ive read here is the guys saying, immature, childish and disrespectful. Yep their right. Your bringing a child into this world and your H is acting like a 14 year old schoolboy with a crush on the school tart. 

Any respectful husband would see whats is happening from the base line and remove themselves from target range. He clearly seems to be enjoying the attention and (I hope not) the closeness. It might be that hes nearing a PA but Id say hes certainly in a EA. 

You would be quite within your right to just drop a word in this ladies ear. A simple, "ya know my H is talking about you all the time, moring noon and night. Can you imagine what work colleagues would say if they thought your messing about with a married guy whose wife is pregnant". 
Others in the workplace will certainly see this happening anyway. It will really get his goat if she drops him but you must turn the situation around to be in you favour. As the old saying goes "Hell hath no fury than a woman scored..............especially a pregnant one!"


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## olwhatsisname

yellowstar said:


> Unfortunately I agree with this...I really hope there is not much more to the story (which you can hopefully find out from snooping) but I think you need to quietly check. And I know what you mean, if you react to much, he'll just take it underground and lie to you. I definitely think some MC together is needed, I'm so sorry he's doing this to you while pregnant. I'm pregnant too and going through a few issues and it SUCKS even more when your feelings are all over the place


 THEY ARE CO-WORKERS and probably turn out good product 4 the company. I think you need too look at this differently. I needed close, tight teams 4 30 years in business.


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## nosmallchoice

I have 2 really big regrets, HUGE ones.

1. When my STBXH didn't stop talking about the OW non-stop in EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION ... I regret not putting my foot down at the get go.

2. When it came very obvious to me that the OW was playing me as the fool as she won over my STBXH .. I regret not putting her in her place and making her hit the road the minute I realized there was something going on between them. 

I have been raising our infant son, now toddler, as a single parent since he was just a few months old. 

Have respect for yourself - demand your H man up and stop the non-sense, or start putting the ball in motion to protect yourself. 

A loving H does NOT do this to his W, especially when pregnant. It is about time you make him take ownership of his actions.


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## veryconcernedwife

It's been a long time since I've posted on here but I wanted to let those that gave me advice and helped me in a tough situation know where I stand now and what came of it. I have been very busy with a newborn baby girl but with issues once again arising I remembered this helpful website and decided it was time to revisit it.

My relationship has been very up and down since I last posted on here. There was another significant situation that happened that has distanced us even further. Apparently, one night after he got off of work at eleven, he decided to go climb a hill, or so he told me when he got home. It took him a couple hours, oddly enough, and I still can't fathom how he did it in the pitch blackness or where the "highway on the other side" is that he claimed he saw, which isn't there. The strange thing was, when he did arrive home, he was practically glowing, couldn't wipe the smile he had on his face off of it, and immediately had gone in the bathroom and put on his body spray/cologne. My gut told me something was wrong right away, and when he laid down with me that night I swear he smelled differently. The next morning when I got in the car to go to work, I saw a different pack of cigarettes (empty) inside it than he normally smokes. When I asked him about the whole situation he got irate and ended up getting a speeding ticket because he was too busy yelling at how he's sick and tired of this to pay attention to the speedometer. In later weeks, I was speaking to a friend of mine that works with us. I told her about the situation and mentioned the cigarettes. She asked me what kind they were and I told her and she said that the woman I thought my husband was infatuated with smoked those. I mentioned this to him as well, and he said that it was ridiculous and he was smoking that brand because they make him sick and he's trying to quit so they were helping him do that. The thing is, he was smoking his brand again the very next day, after the day I found the brand he doesn't smoke in the car, so his excuse made no sense. He's still smoking today, his same brand. It was this incident that, for the first time, made me think he could actually be cheating on me. My worry had gotten so bad that I began having vivid dreams of him and the woman having sex. 

To make things worse, later down the road something else happened. After months of asking, I finally succeeded in getting my husband to go swimming with me, or so I thought. (Strangely enough, my husband doesn't want to do anything with me. Even when he's extremely bored and seems like he's dying because of it due to how much complaining he's doing, when I suggest anything he doesn't want to do it. Yet, as soon as his friends want to do something, or if he wants to do it, he's all for it.) We were about to go when all of the sudden his friend called him up and asked him if he'd like to go to a water park in a city two hours away. I wanted to go, but being as pregnant as I was I wouldn't have been able to do much. I said I would sit on the sidelines and they could do whatever, or I would float down the lazy river. He said that if he was me he wouldn't want to be in a pool full of other people with all the urine and gross stuff and that I should stay. Besides, it was going to be a guys outing, just a couple of them. Knowing it had been a while since either of us had been out, I said it would be okay if he went and figured when he got back we could do something together. Well, he left, and when it got so late that I was about to text him to see if he was all right, he called me. Apparently, his friend who he'd gotten a ride from didn't want to come back but instead wanted to stay in that city for the night so he could "go to the mall or something in the morning" I was told. It was just a coincidence that they ended up getting a hotel where all the clubs and bars were, which is a huge thing that city is known for, I guess. I didn't like the idea and I expressed this, but he pointed out he couldn't force his friend to leave to take him home. After arguing about it on the phone for a while, I finally gave up. I figured they'd be back in the morning pretty soon, but he didn't get back until later that evening and had practically spent the entire weekend in this city doing who knows what. I was uncomfortable from the get-go since his friend was set on going to a strip club before they left, which my husband pretended to dislike the idea. We were on very bad terms after that, but I tried not to be mad because other's I talked to about it said, "Well, if he didn't take his own car and was stuck because of someone else, then it isn't fair to be upset with him." But, I know deep inside that he didn't want to come back, that he probably didn't even try to get the guy to leave. I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if it was his idea to stay. After that I pointed out that I felt that he wasn't really ready for married life, that despite what he might say, he was still trying to live a single person's life. He still denies that.

Things were generally okay after a while, and I decided for our baby that was soon to be born, I would try and move on and I told him that I wouldn't bring up the past anymore, that I would just leave it where it was. Which I've done to this day. Yet, two days ago my husband came home late from work. Every day that week he'd gotten home at about 5:00pm and that day he showed up late it was almost 6:30pm or so. I didn't care because I knew that our job didn't guarantee getting off at a specific time any day. It was when he sat down on the couch beside me and started playing his video game that I noticed a mark on his neck. My gut sank and immediately I thought it was a hickey. I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it at first, devastated at the sight of it. I sneakily took a picture of it and asked a few others I am very close to what they thought it was. All answers came back hickey. So, I confronted him about it later that night and his immediate answer to what it was, was "It's a bug bite." I said that there was no way that was a bug bite. He stood in the bathroom for what seemed like thirty minutes, looking at it in the mirror I guess and when he came back he told me, "I bet it's razor burn." Those weren't his exact words, but that's practically what he said. It wasn't bumpy or red and it was in the shape of a mouth. If I could post a picture of it, I would but I don't think I can. What bothered me more than even the hickey was that the first thing he said to me was "Do you want a divorce?" And then not long after. "If this is going to keep happening every couple of months, I want a divorce. I'm not going through it." It made me think that he was pushing for me to divorce him. And, to make matters worse, that brand of cigarettes he doesn't smoke.. he had a pack of them I'd noticed. 

In some way, I feel like my husband just wants me to be the bad guy and initiate the divorce but it's difficult for me to do. I have invested a lot into our relationship. We have a child. I feel guilty getting out of this marriage and deeply saddened by it. I love my husband very much, but I have fallen out of love with him. Lately he's gotten mean in the sense that he points out my supposed flaws rather than building me up with compliments. He'll say things like "you've lost your ass" or "you have a cute button nose," to our child, adding "luckily you don't have your mothers nose." And things like that.

So.. fed up with it all I got really angry and have been very cold and distant. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since our last argument and we've maybe said ten words to each other and all of it is about the baby or the dogs. We've stayed in different rooms of the apartment, too. After he talked to a friend, he suggested marriage counseling, but has yet to set up an appointment. I decided to give the counseling a chance but I don't know how to cope with the lack of trust or with his lack of trust for me which is still confusing to me. I feel so invested in this relationship. I don't want to make a mistake based off of assumptions since I have no hard, concrete evidence or a confession. I also don't want to make a mistake by staying in an unhealthy relationship. I feel like whatever I decide to do, it'll be the wrong choice, but I can't deal with infidelity or how my husband now acts towards me. I have become very insecure and self-conscious, and I can barely look at my husband anymore. I hope the counseling helps but I'm very skeptical of it. But.. I guess I'll see how it goes. I'm staying hopeful that things will change, but I'm not getting my hopes up at the same time. I feel foolish for being in this relationship, like by doing so I have chosen to be treated this way. But I didn't know it was going to be this way. I didn't think I would feel like my husband doesn't even like me, would be rude to me, or cheat on me (if he has). It's just so frustrating and heartbreaking.


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## veryconcernedwife

I guess my question is: How do you decide when it's time to get a divorce and leave feeling confident and secure that you've made the right decision, especially with a kid in the mix? Any opinions/advice?


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## MyHappyPlace

First of all, stop beating around the bush or making excuses. Your H HAS cheated on you! You don't confuse a hickey for a bug bite or razor burn. And the immediate divorce question says he knows he was caught! Try the MC if you even think you can get over that aspect. 
I don't think there is a concrete answer to how to divorce knowing it's 100% the right decision. You love this person, made a commitment to him, and want so much for it to work, especially with a child involved. You have to decide for yourself whether you are okay with what has happened and are willing to forgive him and work things out. The rest of us know how WE would react. It's easy for us to say "dump the cheating bastard. You are better than that." and we'd be right. You ARE worth much more than you are getting. But it still has to be you coming to that conclusion. Then there is the issue of when you know what is best for you in your head, but your heart just doesn't want to follow suit. I'm sorry you have found yourself here with this problem VCW. I sincerely hope the best for you and your daughter. Remember that for her, it would be better to be raised by a single loving mother who can find a great husband who would love, cherish, and respect them both than grow up in a household filled with anguish, resentment, and lies.


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## LongWalk

His behavior is bad. File for divorce and let him go to IC if he wants to rescue his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew

I am so sorry for you. But you need to let him go. He is not worth being in the same room as you.


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## LongWalk

Ask you husband how he would feel about you having sex with another man while pregnant with his child?

You are very vulnerable at the moment. If you continue in this relationship if will feel that misbehavior has no serious consequence. Sleeping on the sofa is not that bad. After all you are planning to end your marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

1) Have you been tested for STDs? If not, GET TESTED this week, and let your H know you're going for STD tests.

2) Talk to a divorce attorney and GET KNOWLEDGEABLE. With knowledge comes power and less sense of helplessness/hopelessness.

3) Your H *is* cheating on you; seriously you don't need photographic evidence or to check his undies to know what's going on. You're not an idiot, and he's not very subtle about hiding it.

I wouldn't be so sure that 'buddy' he went to the water park with was the ONLY person along on that trip. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts the woman he's cheating with was on the trip, too!

Your husband does not seem contrite.
Your husband has not changed his behavior.
Therefore, we can conclude that you husband is not sorry about his behavior or willing to change it JUST BECAUSE it's wrong.

My guess is that he DOES want a divorce, BUT *he* doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' and initiate it. He wants YOU to ask for/file for a divorce so he can be the 'victim' of his angry/suspicious/unloving wife and have a big Pity Party wherein he'll be (justifiably in HIS mind) consoled by the woman he's already been sleeping with! Thus, he can introduce her to HIS friends/family as the NEW dear friend who is helping him get over that harridan he was married to (you!).

After you file for divorce, you may want the satisfaction of telling the woman he's cheating with, "He's all yours, Ethel! By the way, I'll be laughing my ass off when it's YOU he's cheating on!" or you may just consider that she's helped rid you EARLY in your marriage of an untrustworthy cheating dog, because if he wasn't cheating with HER, he still would have been cheating with someone! The cheating is important, not the *who*.

Take your daughter and get out before your health is compromised. Who's going to care for her if you're sick from social diseases? Your H and his girlfriend(s)?


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## MambaZee

He IS cheating. You need to accept that and decide what to do next. Since he's into all kinds of denial, you'll have to snoop/investigate to get proof, if you even want to do that. He doesn't sound like the type who's going to feel guilty and just break down and admit everything. Spend some time on the Infidelity forums and you'll see how cheaters behave; they have a script they follow. Even if he does tell the truth, you'll only get a little bit of it at a time if you get any at all.

Forget about looking like the bad guy here. He's the bad guy. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind viewing you as the bad person for leaving this situation, even without hard evidence of his affair. His behavior is bad enough. 

Think how you want your life to proceed from here and then take steps to make that happen. I'm one of those who advocates working things out when possible but one person can't fix a marriage if the other party isn't willing. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me; you have to decide if it is for you, too.


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## Openminded

Cheaters project and often accuse their spouse of cheating when they are actually the one cheating. 

Hopefully counseling will work. But have a plan in place if you don't see any improvement.


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## clipclop2

why is it that some a****** immature boys desert ltheir wives when they're pregnant ? I really wonder if it's possible for a woman to forgive a man after that kind of betrayal. a woman is at her most vulnerable when pregnant, and this is how her husband protects her and his baby . it really angers me .

first thing you do is you go to his parents your parents with everything that you know . then you go to HR. he's going to get very angry at you tell him that you will do whatever you have to to protect your marriage and your family. if you are intimidated by him you will lose . remember you have right on your side . 

the next time he gets all high and mighty tell him tell him to prove his innocence by taking a lie detector test. the evidence is simply stacked against him, however circumstantial he may believe it to be . 
. 

many if not most will tell you to put a voice activated recorder in his car so that you have hard evidence to confront him with. if you have patience it's a fine way to go . I don't think it would take you very long to catch him but hearing the actual evidence would be very hard on you .

the bottom line is if he chooses another woman over you and your daughter you know what kind of man you have and if you have any sense you won't want him in your life . A man this selfish and immature will make a lousy father and as you know already, a lousy husband .

whatever you do you have to be strong . if you let fear guide you, this misery will continue indefinitely . his threats of divorce is just a ramped up version of all of his previous intimidation . while it may come to divorce, I doubt he is thinking clearly about what divorce really means .

so circle your wagons. do see lawyer . be prepared to kick him out . call on your family . talk to HR . and do what you must protect you and your little girl .

and whatever you do don't quit your job . 

I'm really sorry to hear this update. you must be very scared . we are here for you . and I'm sure your family will be there for you as well . 

it probably wouldn't hurt to let people at work know that you believe your husband is having affair with this home wrecker . I mean beyond HR . if you do that do, it very low key. perhaps confiding in a friend with the biggest gossip in the company nearby . that will make it harder on the other woman .

by the way I don't think you said if she's married but if she is go to her husband or boyfriend immediately .

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2

LongWalk said:


> Ask you husband how he would feel about you having sex with another man while pregnant with his child?


Don't ask this question. he will use it against you .

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

It seems quite clear that he is having an affair. You can try to get solid proof and attempt to force him to stop or you can file for divorce. If it were me, I would cut my losses now. He treats you with disrespect. I'm with the others who think that a man who does this when his wife is pregnant with his child is a special type of POS.


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## yours4ever

I'm an advocate for repair rather than divorce... But in your case, he is not worth the effort.

There are better guys out there, your soon to be x is a bad role model for your child.


If you stay, he is likely to treat you worse. He might even physically hurt you, he'll do anything just to push you towards divorce. A bad dad. RUN!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrewedEverything

veryconcernedwife said:


> I guess my question is: How do you decide when it's time to get a divorce and leave feeling confident and secure that you've made the right decision, especially with a kid in the mix? Any opinions/advice?


I thought I'd sneak in here and address your actual question before this turns into a thread about nothing but how to catch you husband cheating. I've read all your posts and from the very beginning it was clear that you guys are a couple screaming for marriage counseling. You will never feel confident about a move like divorce unless you know - and can look in your daughter's eyes many years from know and tell her with certainty - that you did everything you could but you and your husband just couldn't get on the same page about a life together. Right now you (and your husband) are just guessing about what the other is doing, thinking and feeling because you don't communicate in any meaningful way. Marriage counseling is not a panacea but a decent counselor can definitely facilitate the conversations you two aren't able to have on your own. Please don't sit around and wait for him to make an appointment; if he's not doing it, you should - this is too important to your life and your daughter's life for gamesmanship. Good luck!


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## bunny23

You need to talk to a lawyer.
I would file. Even if there is a small chance that you guys could have a relationship he keeps lying to you. Play hard ball and see what he does.

I would get some additional proof, talk to an attorney, and possibly file "at fault" and not irreconcilable differences. This won't help you in the actual case in most states, but divorces have a way of rearing their ugly head... and once any other woman finds out the real reason you filed... 

I would almost also file mental cruelty considering what he is doing to you. Seriously, I thought my stbxh was a scumbag, but this guy takes the cake.

Please, gather the courage, don't be a doormat.

Most men on here would tell you to play hardball if you were a man. You need to state that this is serious, you tried talking etc what will MC do? Nothing. He is a compulsive liar.

I am so sorry 
You seem like a good person and he does not deserve you. Do this for your child.


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## badcompany

What a bunch of sorry excuses.
Climbing a hill? A bug bite? Must have been a big bug. 
There is all kinds of red flags that say he's cheating.
Not only is it time to bail, but you need to get as much proof as you can so you make sure he doesn't get off the hook for child support and also doesn't get any custody.
Time for a VAR, GPS, Key logger?


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## EleGirl

Do you feel that you need concrete evidence of his cheating before you feel that it's ok to file?


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## veryconcernedwife

I do feel like I need concrete proof because my biggest fear is that I'm somehow making a mistake and I'm going to lose the man that I fell in love with, even if he doesn't act like he did when we were in love. But now, after what's occurred recently, I don't think that matters. 

We went to marriage counseling and the first session was pretty much just us expressing all of the issues we think we have, what bothers us about the relationship or our spouse, and so on. My husband didn't have much to say, and because I had so much to say I almost started feeling guilty because it begin to seem like I was attacking him as a person. It would have been easier, I think, if he could have said stuff about me, too. The only thing he did say was that one thing he doesn't understand is "we can do nothing all day but as soon as I go to watch a movie or do something she wants to have a conversation." While I, on the other hand, pretty much poured out everything I've said here. Either way, the counseling session didn't really go as planned but I gave it the benefit of the doubt and said "what could really be accomplished in one session?" The counselor is trying to get a decent idea of everything she will need to work on, is what I assumed.

Anyway, the days following the counseling resulted in a lot of communication, since that's what we'd promised to work on. However, I think it backfired because now.. my husbands ring is lying on the living room table, where he left it before going back to work. I think I caught him in a lie and things just spiraled out of control from there. He had canceled our counseling session today and said he had a court date (for the child support for his other daughter). I didn't believe him on the phone but I didn't say anything. When he got home, which I wasn't expecting him to come home, I asked him if I could drop him off so I could use the car to go get some things I need from the store. It resulted in him making a call to his lawyer to ask where his appointment was at. By the end of the conversation he no longer had an appointment because today was the wrong day. Then, after a few minutes he said that he thought I didn't believe him and I admitted that I didn't. We argued from there and he threw out "you want to call my lawyer?" which I thought was a bluff of sorts and so I said sure. I never got to talk to his lawyer, and my husband said he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life like this, took off his ring, told me that when I'm ready to be married again I can give it back to him, and left.

I honestly have no idea what to do from here, what else to try, what else to say. He says that if there's always going to be doubt (which the counselor said that no matter what there always will be a little bit) then what's the point? Him knowing how much it bothers me when he takes his ring off, since he does when he's bored (he tells me) to fiddle with anyway, says a lot to me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, to love him and be loved by him unconditionally, but without respect, honesty, and effort.. I can't do it.

Again, thank you all for you opinions and advice. It is appreciated. Unless things somehow change, this will probably be my last post since it looks like we're going to separate no matter what. I just hope whatever happens, it really is for the best.


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## veryconcernedwife

To let everyone know that helped me, my husband has not only admitted to one emotional and physical affair, and then one night of sleeping with another woman, but I discovered multiple accounts to more than ten dating websites on his computer, as well as pictures and video of other women on his phone. He was cheating on me. I wish I had snooped a lot sooner.. back when I had gotten my gut instinct. There are obvious signs, and now I'm very aware of all the red flags. We are in the process of a divorce to this day. Again, thank you. I have my closure and I feel I can finally move on with my life but I would have never had the strength if those on this site hadn't helped me. For anyone who's reading this that is going through the same thing. Trust yourself. If you think something is wrong, it usually is. I've learned that the hard way.


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## Faithful Wife

I'm so sorry, very sorry. You must be devastated. I hope you have good IRL support.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

We're all sorry that your marriage and the dream of your future life has died. We're all glad that you have the truth now and had the strength to walk away from a man who did not love you correctly.

He would have been a poor role model for your daughter, and now you have a chance (in the next 3-5 years) to find her a new man who can show her the CORRECT way an adult/man/husband acts in a marriage. With great role modeling, she can expect to have a happy healthy marriage, too!

Best of luck to you! *Hugs* from us at TAM! If we can be of help to you, be sure to check out the 'Going Through Divorce', 'Life After Divorce', and the 'Social Spot' sections of the board.

Also don't forget that YOU have VALUABLE insight/information/lessons that could possibly help some other man/woman in your former position. Please consider staying around to help yourself get stronger and to help someone else find a better/saner/healthier way to build their life!


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## alte Dame

I'm sorry. You sound like you have handled things with strength. I don't know if you feel like it yet, but you will look back and know that, given his lack of honor, you had the best outcome.

Best of luck to you!


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## LongWalk

Although this has been a terrible ride for you, you are getting out pretty early. You could struggle on for many more years, denying the obvious in the hopes that he would reform. You stood up for yourself and should be proud.

The courage and intelligence you have shown should build you up. Think positively about yourself. You deserve love and respect. Come back and share that news when it comes.


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## Kaci

veryconcernedwife said:


> To let everyone know that helped me, my husband has not only admitted to one emotional and physical affair, and then one night of sleeping with another woman, but I discovered multiple accounts to more than ten dating websites on his computer, as well as pictures and video of other women on his phone. He was cheating on me. I wish I had snooped a lot sooner.. back when I had gotten my gut instinct. There are obvious signs, and now I'm very aware of all the red flags. We are in the process of a divorce to this day. Again, thank you. I have my closure and I feel I can finally move on with my life but I would have never had the strength if those on this site hadn't helped me. For anyone who's reading this that is going through the same thing. Trust yourself. If you think something is wrong, it usually is. I've learned that the hard way.



Wow, that gut instinct is something, isn't it! Hope you're ok, and I'm glad you didn't have to waste years and youth with a liar. How's your little baby?


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## Inside_Looking_Out

My heart goes out to you. I am glad that you are no longer in a situation where you have to second guess your instincts however.

Instinct is something that should not be ignored. I knew...I just knew in my gut, from a single text my husband sent me all the way from Mexico, that he had done something. 

I hope you continue on with the strength and dignity that obviously had that helped you through this experience from day one.


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## frusdil

I'm so very sorry to read this news  You must be devastated 

Lots of love to you as you go through this.


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## karole

Expose to everyone!


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