# Heads a mess



## needadvicequickly (May 21, 2010)

I've come on here to try and sort my head out, so any helpful advice will be greatfully recieved.

Firstly I'd like to say I'm not proud of what I've done so please dont judge me 

A bit of background info first, I've been married for 3 yrs but have been with my partner for 13 years in total and we have 2 wonderful kids together age 8 and 4.

Although we have been together for a long time I would say I havent been really happy since we got married for a number of reasons:
Sex has more or less stopped since the birth of our last child 
My wife works nights 3 nights of the week, so we dont see each other, as I go out to she comes in and vice versa.
She very very rarely shows me any affection, it all seems to come from me making the first move.
Most of the time it feels like I'm only about for the financial gains she gets from me having a good job.

Overall I generally feel unloved and because of this for the last 3 months I have been having an affair with an ex work colleague (shes single, but has recently come out of a long term relationship). 
I never set out for this to happen (although I will admit I was attracted to her) as I originally just needed a shoulder to cry on, but one thing has led to another and we both now have very strong feelings for each other and she asked me to leave my wife. 

But now I really dont know what to do for the best. My head says I have to end this affair and try and move on and sort my marriage out and give my kids the life they deserve. But my heart is telling me I want to be with with this other woman.

I will add I do feel that I love my wife dearly, but I cant ever remember feeling like I do about this other woman.

What should I do? I've gone over it a thousand times and really need some help


----------



## needadvicequickly (May 21, 2010)

Having looked around the forum, I may have posted this in the wrong section.

Apologies if I have


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I was having the exact same problem (as have, apparently, 50% of the husbands in the world). Does your wife know how you feel? 

I don't know what women need out of a marriage and a husband, but I'll tell you one thing: it is different from the time they are in love and marrying you than it is after you've been together and have kids. You or they are two different people and they fall out of love with you. My wife did after our second child, I just didn't know it. Here I am more than 10 years later thinking her sex drive just went down after the kids were born. I thought this is what married being with children is.

I'm getting closer and closer to 50. Neither one of us is getting younger. I wasn't going to waste any more time in a loveless marriage. We talked. I told her how I feel. Long story short, and in not so many words, she told me she stopped loving me in that way. She still loves me and we are best friends, but like a brother or a roomate.

I feel cheated. I now need to go through the rest of my life without a lover, without someone being attracted to me, without someone kissing me and enjoying it.

I'm old, bald, shy, and no Brad Pitt. I've never known how to meet women and it's too late to start. If I COULD do it, I would feel totally justfied to go out and get my emotional, social, and sexual needs filled outside of my marriage. You only get one shot at life, and I'm not ready to surrender such a big part of it. My wife, however, will never change. No matter how much her brother changes she's never going to love him that way either. I'm done and it sucks. 

Congratulations to you on getting your needs met elsewhere. Don't feel guilty. You are an animal first, social human second and you have needs. Your wife had first dibs and declined. 

Good luck


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Wow Cody...that is what happened to my wife...where trying to get sex from her was like asking for a favor..after being married 17yrs and our sex went downhill maybe 10 yrs ago could be longer I look back now after separation and see how it affected my attitude towards her..it got to the point where I thought I was not 'good' anymore and it affected my 'performance'..I thought I was broken but in reality there was just no positive response from her..then 1 1/2 yrs ago a single female coworker started to 'hit' on me and tell me nice things and 4 mos later I did what I thought I would never ever do..even though I felt intense guilt it lasted 1 yr...she was not a 'looker' in fact I wouldn't even have thought I could 'hook' up with someone like that (she wasn't ugly just not someone I would pursue)..it was the fact that she made me feel good and I found out I wasn't broke physically..on the down side I totally neglected and lashed out at my wife..I just lost the attraction for my wife and now someone is making her feel good(I think)..Cody I am physically fit and a looker (according to woman) and I still feel like I'll never really fall in love like you mean and I'm 47..good luck and don't give up..I believe there's someone for everyone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell your wife the truth. Tell her that you want to stay married to her, but if she can't find a way to be happier with you and want to have SF, you'll end up leaving eventually, one way or another. Give her the chance to decide what to do.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You got exactly what you came for - two men confirming and essentially high-fiving your affair and one suggestion to tell your wife about the affair. If she's anything like me, she will do one of two things - either walk out the door or throw you out of it. I think you know what her reaction will be. So there. Problem solved by letting your wife decide for you. 

Did you ever ask yourself why this has happened in your marriage? Did it occur to you there might be reasons? Does it matter to you that there might be reasons? Well, you got yourself some regular coochie, so I don't really suppose any of that other stuff matters now. You just need a way out and someone to help you make the decision. 

You'd have to work at repairing and saving your marriage. You don't have to work on the other woman since you already have her. And since you already have her (along with the knowledge that you can also get others), I wonder of your dedication to your family. How much coochie are you willing to sell them for? Or, are you willing to fight for them, which means learning the reasons your wife has turned away from you, and/or working hard to fix your marriage and win back her love and affection?

In other words, I am wondering if you meant it when you stated, "_My head says I have to end this affair and try and move on and sort my marriage out and give my kids the life they deserve._" or if you just said that to show the world how you struggle with this dilemma, when what you really want is to leave? As it stands right now, there is no reason you would choose to stay, which means there isn't really such a dilemma after all. It's really kind of a no-brainer - sex or no sex? How can what your kids deserve possibly top that? The answer lies in you, whether that truly is something that matters to you and you are willing to work on your marriage, or whether it means too little to be worth the work and sacrifice. So you tell us what you want to do.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Susan I don't see but 1 man doing the high fiving...the other is wondering how he slipped and is now guilt ridden for life..isn't that punishment enough? add losing a wife (possibly forever)...and being a parent has always come first (at least for me) when in reality that is what causes a lot of marriage breakdowns..the kids first 'we' second mindset..when it should be 'we' as in 'we' must make sure our marriage remains healthy while raising kids so our kids can see that even though we love them with all our hearts as married partners we must continue to build and grow our own marriage with love and communication and understanding..what would be a better gift to your kids than them learning from that angle..unfortunately I'm learning too late.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I've kind of lost the flow of who's talking about who, but I'll guess I'm the one doing the high-fiving.

Anytime a man comes here talking about his wife checking out of the marriage, be it an affair, neglect, or laziness, it's always up to him to fix it. And it's his fault if he can't or just burns out. Why isn't the OP's wife responsible for coming to him and telling him what the problem is? See, the way it is, he now has to add mind-reader to his other list of jobs (husband, father, shrink, counselor). 

Screw that. Yeah, I'm high-5'ing him. Why not? He got tired of his wife's neglect. Tired of trying to drag an honest statement out of her. Trying to fight her lack of giving a sh.it. Trying to get her to stick to her marriage vows (I'm paraphrasing, but "Thou promisses to not check out of the marriage, especially without trying to fix it first" was in those vows somewhere). She desn't give a crap about he feels, why should he? 

I haven't had a woman want to be intimate with me in 15 years. Haven't had a woman enjoy kissing me in 15 years. And it's not going to happen with my wife. I wish I could find it somewhere else.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Cody you're in a tough situation...but what I've learned is sometimes a woman is telling you all the 'things' or showing you all the 'signs'...they're not the mind readers we made them out to be either...we just didn't get the message until it was too late...I don't envy anyone male or female in this situation but as for me...I've got to assume I'm gonna be a single parent and adjust accordingly...I realize now and for a future relationship what I can do on my part to make it a workable one and one in which I will never let it get to the point where I'm the one who gets left...everyone makes mistakes..it's can we learn no to repeat them.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

You met this man, flirted with this man, dated him, agreed to marry him, have children with him, be buried next to him. Somewhere along the way, you fell out of love with him. You "broke up" years ago, but he didn't know it. It's now been 2, 5, 10 years? More? You have no interest in going back to this old boyfriend. But he wants to start loving you again and you're...repulsed is probably too strong, but you get my drift.


How often does this happen? I jokingly said 50% of marriages, and I may be low. Minimum, you've already got half of marriages that end in divorce. I've been here a little while. I've read a lot of threads. In hindsight, a lot of people have said, somewhere within their issue, (and I'm paraphrasing again) "I'd changed but it wasn't enough/too late/ and now we're separated/still loveless". It's usually said in the "I get no sex" threads (the two are related, I recently figured out). They regularly DON'T get back together after these breakups. They're still married, just not "dating".

Wives? How many of you have fallen out of love with your husband and never gotten back? Is it even possible to love him again? 

My wife doesn't even want to try. I have no interest in pushing her into something she hates. If I was younger and knew how to meet women I would. In a heartbeat. And not feel guilty at all. She made a mistake marrying me? My mistake? Who knows. I want to be wanted. I want to kiss someone who wants to kiss me. She had first AND second dibs to be the one to do it and she respectully declined each time.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Dear need advice quickly;

I am a middle-aged woman with two grown children in their twenties and although seperating from my husband now I had been married for 25 years....so I know marriage and all the webs and flows.

You sound unloved and ignored by your wife...does she feel the same towards you? Have you told her how you feel about the "No sex zone" maybe she doesn't even know you are feeling this way? Maybe she is just getting through life thinking this is the way it is raising two kids and sex waxes and wanes in a marriage. What I am saying is you may have made a decision to step out to satisfy your sexual needs when your wife doesn't even know there is a PROBLEM! I know one thing that is, if you don't tell your partner you have a problem they are not mind readers.
You love your wife but you are not having sex....so talk to her about it...get counselling...it is quite simple:

You want to save the marriage if she has sex with you or else you walk.
TRY COMMUNICATION!

Dear Cody5;
You are in pain and lonely in your marriage and to boot you have very low self esteem. You sound like you should really work on yourself and leave this marriage. You are the captain of your own destiny. Being bald and 50 is not a death sentence. Many woman in their 50's are starting over...I for one are one of them. Age is not a factor that is going to stop me from seeking happiness. What makes you happy Cody5?
I am getting the pet I always wanted!!!
Make yourself happy... if the marriage is over get out!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, be aware that whoever posts will be told they need to look at THEMSELVES to see how they have contributed to the issue--man or woman. It's not a gender thing.

Second, what Cody is talking about is the described in the Walk Away Wife syndrome--all guys should read it. Chances are very high that the wives mentioned by the men in this thread had tried very hard to get their needs met, but were unsuccessful, and eventually just gave up. The disconnecting begins very early, maybe a few years after the problems arose. By the time years have passed, there may be little to no hope of reversing things. The wife has become a very emotionally self-sufficient individual and if she feels capable of taking care of the kids economically, she will leave. 

The other part of this is, these women continue to have sex for sometime while they are still hoping the marriage will be good. They hope, but day after day the things they have asked for--whether it be the consideration of having little things done (like a guy cleaning up after himself, or putting down toilet seats, these are random examples) just don't happen. Her requests are continuously ignored, and she feels resentment, so the sex is out of a sense of responsibility and maybe some hope, not desire. This is very unpleasant sex for her, even if she gets turned on. It does not make her feel closer; it makes her feel used. Hence the feeling of revulsion that develps, and the end of hope that she will ever find this particular man sexually desirable again--or maybe would, with YEARS of effort on his part (and hers), but usually one of them is unwilling to wait that long.


----------



## needadvicequickly (May 21, 2010)

Firstly thankyou for all the replys.

No I haven't spoken to my wife about things. I have made the decision to talk about it to her tonight.

If I'm completely honest, No I dont think I ever felt like I do about OW about my wife.

Just because I have regular coochie elsewhere doesnt mean I dont want my marriage to work. I love my wife and my kids and although I've cheated really dont want to do anything to hurt them.

I never went out looking to have an affair this only came about because I have needs and they weren't being fulfilled at home. I arent making excuses because I know what I've done is wrong. I also know that I'm far from perfect, so i may well be contributing to alot of the issues above. 

Once again thanks for the advice, I will let you know how I get on after speaking to my wife about things tonight


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Make sure the kids are in bed, the TV is off and you are looking into her eyes. Speak from your heart!
Good Luck I am cheering you on!


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

This is exactly the reason why in the old days women were advised NOT to turn down their husbands when it came to sex so he won't stray. I also heard it from many women while growing up and it makes a lot of sense now that I read all these posts about lack of sex (although I am the one who got turned down). Same goes for men, don't turn down your wife because if you don't please her someone else will.

Yes the wife doesn't seem loving but the cheating just adds more fuel to fire. 

Good luck though needadvicequickly if my husband were in your shoes and felt terrible about what he did and really truly wanted to make things work I might just consider forgiving him, considering I was the one to push him away.


----------



## needadvicequickly (May 21, 2010)

Well just to update..........

Following amandas advice I waited till the kids were in bed and took the oppurtunity to tell my wife that I wasnt happy in our relationship and that becuae of this I had been unfaithful.

After alot of initial shouting and tears, she calmed enough for us to talk like adults.
As stated above she wasnt really aware that I felt like this and as such didnt feel there were any problems in our relationship. 
It aso became apparent that that my long hours and her doing nights has definately put a huge strain our relationship.

We have agreed to remain together for the time being and try to work at our relationship and also to give my wife time to consider forgiving me for the affair. She does understand how I felt unloved and that I felt she was pushing me away. So I am hoping in time that she can forgive me for cheating.

We have also agreed that we need to not only spend more time together but also do alot more talking in future, so that when another problem arises we can sort it out. 

I have also told the OW that we are to have no more contact from this point forward and that my wife knows everything/

So thank you all for the advice, hopefully I've managed to save my marriage by listening to it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great work! It's the best thing you could have done in this situation.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you sit down and fill out a copy, and then swap it. It will help you both learn how to start fixing your marriage by no longer being the person who harms your spouse.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Walk Away Wife syndrome.


Fascinating. Why had I never heard of it until now? I nearly perfectly described it when describing my marriage. That's bad. I don't think a wife comes back from that one. And plea's of "why don't you love me any more" from a crying little girl of a man is not the way to start winning her back.

In everything I read they ALWAYS ended it with the wife serving divorce papers, however. My wife has not done so yet, nor do I think she ever will. We've joked about how we would never get divorced because it's too hard and we're lazy. There's a lot of truth to that. It can be this same thing w/o divorce, right? I mean, my wife checked out of the marriage for all of the same reasons.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So did I. But I'm still married. For financial reasons mainly, but it's taken me 30 years to get the courage to walk away, if I could afford to. But I've wanted to for at least 15 years.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Dear needadvisequickly,
You have done the right thing and now you have your work cut out for you. Your wife is in an enourmous amount of pain now and it is your job to "kiss it away". You are rebuilding intimacy and trust. You have confided in her the truth, always emphasize this in your future discussions. You wanted the truth to come out so the marriage could be healed because you love her and she is the mother of your children. Emphasize that you also failed her by not coming to her before you stepped out and took the easy way out as an escape to feel needed as a man. Tell her that you need her and how much you want to have and NEED sex from her! Believe it or not alot of woman don't know how much of a physical need sex is for a man. What does she need you to do ask her? Does she need help around the house or with the kids? Call her often, be transparent in e-mail, blackberry, your schedule. Take her out! Buy her a present, show her how much you love her. The other woman is probably in pain now too...how are you going to handle that?
I am proud of your honesty because take it from me lies and deceit are not the corner stones of an intimate marriage.
Good luck! and may God bless your relationship and your family unit


----------



## JustMe23 (Feb 3, 2010)

cody5 said:


> Fascinating. Why had I never heard of it until now? I nearly perfectly described it when describing my marriage.


Cody5, perhaps you should step outside your own life for two seconds and congratulate the actual originator of this thread, who just happened to make a major accomplishment. Does this not inspire you one bit? 

needadvicequickly, I applaud your efforts and bravery, and wish you the best. I send my heartfelt wishes to your wife...I'm a wife and always wish for "my kind" the best.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

JustMe23 said:


> Cody5, perhaps you should step outside your own life for two seconds and congratulate the actual originator of this thread, who just happened to make a major accomplishment. Does this not inspire you one bit?
> .


1 - No, it doesn't inspire me at all. My wife checked out of our marriage and isn't coming back. I read another post recently where a guys wife admitted to NEVER being physically attracted to her. Wife tells him after 19 years together. That's me except for the wife admitting it. I've already tried to talk to her, go to couples therapy, the works. She's gone.

2 - The OP? I'm not sure what to think of that one. Too much doesn't make sense. His wife lost attraction for him AT LEAST 4 years ago. Classic Walkaway Wife. I't's RARE that they come back. And she comes lovingly back after he tells her he had an affair and it's HER fault? I'm not saying the conversation didn't happen, I'm just saying someone's not being honest in what they are saying.


----------



## needadvicequickly (May 21, 2010)

Cody5 I never said that my wife lost attraction for me, just that sex had more or less stopped in the 4 years since our last child was born.
Not only that she hasnt lovingly come back after being told of the affair. Yes we are still married but there is ALOT of work to do before we even come close to her lovingly returning.
While she admits the lack of sex was her fault and can understand why I cheated, I contributed to her not wanting sex through my long hours and not spending enough time with her.

Why would I come on here and not be honest to a set of complete strangers - what would that achieve and what would be the point?

I came on here for help and advice as I was very confused about my feelings and thanks to people on here I may end up saving my marriage.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

needadvisequickly...I hope you and your wife are coping well today. Ask her if she thinks the two of you should go to marriage therapy. Ask her if she thinks she would benefit from it or needs it to move on. Also ask her if she is so mad she wants to retaliate because sometimes women do. 
Keep loving dialogue


----------

