# Am I unfairly taking things out on my husband?



## moonstone999 (Jul 11, 2012)

Hello all,
I'm being a ***** to my husband and I need advice.

My financial worries go way back to childhood. I grew up with 4 siblings, a self-employed dad who constantly worried about income, and an anxious mom for the same reason. Money was always tight no matter what. No luxuries. No vacations. Sometimes oatmeal for dinner for days in a row.

When I was 16 I got my first job because I was determined to live a better life and own more than 1 pair of shoes.

At 22 I got my first apartment. I remember sitting down and paying my bills, and realizing I had $60 to last three weeks (gas, groceries, anything else). In Southern California $55 of that WILL go to gas.

At that point I had a Scarlet O'hara moment where I promised myself, "As God as my witness, I will never live like this again!" So, went back to college, busted my butt, earned a degree, credential, found a job with salary.

Met husband, got married, our daughter is now 5 years old. 
Husband has been out of work for about 2 years now. He takes side jobs where and when he can. He also keeps house clean, cooks, does laundry, takes daughter to and from kindergarten every day. I work and bring home the bacon. 

A few weeks ago I realized I am now 32. I had a flashback to 10 years ago, my promise to myself that I'd never live on $60 to the end of the month again. 

I'm right back where I started. Pay all the bills, and end up with $60. Then I have to figure out how to put gas in our cars for the next month.

Now I find myself in a bad mood more often than not, being cranky, taking it out on husband, who's sensitive enough about being Mr.Mom and looking for work. 

I need advice.... maybe a good smack upside the head.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I'm the man who's much in your husband's shoes. In my case, I worked hard and often did without so my wife could get her degree and pursue a great career (more importantly, it's what she has a passion to do). Now, I have no hope of earning even a third of what she will in a couple more years. And she's angry about that (not JUST that, but that's a biggie), because she doesn't want to earn the majority income, she wants to work and enjoy the money she works for, not see it vanish into bills and needs and school bills, and so on. 

I can't adjust my wife's vision of who should "bring home the bacon", nor can I single-handedly adjust how she views how well off we should be financially, or how to deal with money. Only she can do that. 

My advice is this: Take some quiet time - time over a few days or even weeks, and decide for absolute sure that you cannot be the breadwinner, or that you can - and whether or not this is a marriage ending proposition. Your beef here is that you have decided what your situation should be like before you got married - one of having plenty of money. And now, you are angry because your husband is not holding up (whether his fault or not is not really material, it's just how it is) the deal you made with yourself. 

Did you get him to agree to this deal before you married him? Did you say "I refuse to ever live hand to mouth, and if you make me feel like I am, I'm done"? 

If none of the above tells you have to split up, then what remains is how you cope with your present situation, and whether or not you blame him or take it out on him. Just for peace of mind, I'd strongly suggest learning to not let your emotions rule your life. You can choose to not be a leaf in the hurricane of emotions, and not let them dictate your actions. Nobody says this is easy, btw. Get help, and perhaps get him included on this. You both need to gather strength from each other, and from your description, if I were him, I'd be fearful of you leaving or otherwise withdrawing your love and relationship - and I can say from first hand knowledge, it is a debilitating thing - one of the worst.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

moonstone999 said:


> Husband has been out of work for about 2 years now. He takes side jobs where and when he can. He also keeps house clean, cooks, does laundry, takes daughter to and from kindergarten every day. I work and bring home the bacon.
> 
> ....
> 
> Now I find myself in a bad mood more often than not, being cranky, taking it out on husband, who's sensitive enough about being Mr.Mom and looking for work.


Based entirely on these two points, I'd say yes - you're being unfair. It doesn't sound like he won't work or doesn't want to work or isn't looking for work. If that's all true, then realize that it is as difficult, if not more so on him. 

Given your personal history, I can understand your frustration and concern. But is it really his fault that he lost his job & can't find work? If it is, that's one thing. But if it is not, you should be doing what you can to keep his outlook/mood positive. Being out of work can be depressing, which then can make it even harder to find work or maintain the drive to look for work.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If I could turn the tables and give my husband an opportunity to stay home, I would in a heartbeat. He's a great father to the children.

Each situation is different. I was the breadwinner in my first marriage. My ex h took advantage of me. He'd take my unused credit cards and max them out after he had maxed his own on stupid unneeded things. He later played identity theft on me after I left him.:/. I was furious. My ex never stayed home with the child, I had daycare. He never cooked or cleaned. I do think the stay at home parent should be responsible for the upkeep of the house and children. Now I'm the SAHP. 

My husband now is the polar opposite as my ex. I'd do anything in the world for him, like he does for me. He's expressed interest of being a SAHD. It's no longer an option now that I'm disabled and homebound. We are talking about him taking an early retirement. I hope it works out this way as he deserves it.

It sounds like your husband is doing what he can. Jobs are really hard to find now. We cut back on many things recently just to make ends meet. Our healthcare costs are very high(2k out of pocket monthly). I'm trying to start a little business at home to pay for our luxury things for the children(sports and horseback lessons). We'll see if it works out, so they can continue it.


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