# Get Angry



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

For those of you going through separation/divorce; I'll keep this short:

A lot of you have read about the 180 rule and how you should focus on yourself and blah blah blah.

The fact that implementing those measures can be difficult is very well established. Failures are plenty and triggers are incredibly frequent at times.

Best medicine: Anger

Anger is a healthy response from your brain to thoughts, memories, images, actions or dialogues that provoke your insecurities.

Those insecurities are indeed left-over baggage from your childhood and must be remedied over time, but for now, they're there, and you have to accept that your insecurities are a part of you until you have ironed them out of your 'self' via either counseling, self-healing, time passing or a combination of all.

Healthy anger, can help you cope with your weakest moments.

Feel free and in fact, INSIST to get angry at your "soon to be ex" or "ex". Feel free to absolutely despise them for what they have caused. Understand that no matter how much of the blame each one of you owns, there's substantial justification in channeling your anger towards the much fantasized character you have built of them in your brain.

Feel free to use the phrase "F*** HIM or F*** HER" often while talking to yourself. It's important to remind yourself of your individuality. He/She is not you and does not define you. You are the sole owner of your life. If she/he has knowingly or even unknowingly caused your life to be a miserable one, then F*** HIM/HER.

Maintain a healthy level of anger for at least a few months. You will slowly realize the anger is no longer of any use and can retire it. If for any reason you find yourself overly angry, use the many methods available to channel that negative energy into motivation for different activities. I don't need to tell you how useful anger is in gymnasiums or competitive activities.

If you find yourself having a hard time blaming your ex or soon-to-be-ex for travesties they have inflicted, there's a good chance you suffer from 'learned guilt'. Read the following article to learn why you are the way you are:

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

This is exactly what I needed today. I feel guilty for having so much anger towards my STBX. 

This entire Thanksgiving week I've been slaving away in the kitchen, trying to put a smiling face for my kids, trying to continue our traditions, and going out as much as possible. Trying to not think of the divorce, his affair, leaving us, future, etc. 

All while he's with his family free from commitments and having the time of his life. Only spoke with the kids for 2 minutes each the last two days, most of which the conversation is held by him and what he's doing.

Anger is what I have big time and I hate this feeling because it's not me at all. I journal as much as I can and I call him by every name in the book. I jog when I can, but weather hasn't permitted. I really need to join the gym.

Thank you, Synthetic for posting this today. Much, much needed validation of my feelings.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Use that anger to find the energy you need to get through this.

Remember that you going on to have a good life is the best revenge there is.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Yes!!! Anger always helps me to not hurt


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

What I learned from my botched surgery from 1988 was....

uncontrolled rage will burn you up inside

controlled rage can be a defining focal point for strength 

I used the same methodology in 2012-13 with D


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I think anger is necessary to moving on. Too many of us sugar coat the memories and end up wallowing in them. 

When we step away and take a cold hard look at the true facts they make us mad. We see the blame shifting, the history rewriting, the gas lighting and suddenly the anger comes easily 

Sometimes we need others to hold that mirror up and make us face the reality. 

The best place to end up is at the point of indifference. Where it just doesn't matter. At that point you have risen above the situation and you are ready to move on. 

We all get there sooner or later.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

the leavee always sees the good at first, leaver sees the bad

one thing that defines humanity is balance

eventually the leavee sees the truth, as does the leaver

then there is a crossroads....if it was at one time "love"

the leaver will attempt to re-enter the leavee's life

one way or another. Has happened to me every single time.

At that point, the crossroads lead to two paths

the previous traveled or the uncharted one

sometimes we choose the path more known

other times we take the unknown

neither way is right or wrong, it depends upon how the leavee feels after

the damage machine had stopped and they recovered.

just my to cents


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Chuck - this is one case where he never tried to come back. As a matter of fact we have no communication whatsoever and we were married almost 25 years and have 3 kids together. 

Honestly I think it's made it so much easier to get over it and move on.

Now the tricky part is to take what I've learned and apply it to situations in my life now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I apply a 98% to the coming around. There are always cases where they don't.

That may have made it easier for you. 25 years and poof. It amazes me.

But we are talking about human creatures. Sometimes when the other 

regrets their decision, you never see it personally. But you feel it.

As far as dopamine, love is in the same category as heroin and crack cocaine.

But what happens when it all runs out???


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I apply a 98% to the coming around. There are always cases where they don't.
> 
> That may have made it easier for you. 25 years and poof. It amazes me.
> 
> ...



Yeah it amazes a lot of people but hey, that's life lol

Hmmm... Maybe it's not love that gives that dopamine rush. 

Let me clarify - that attraction when you meet someone you click with. That beginning stage of love where it's all the butterflies and happy things - that's the dopamine rush but you're right - it never lasts. That "loving feeling" - the "rush" if you want to call it that,will eventually subside. 

Hopefully by then there is a deeper, intimate version of love that has been established. The kind where you know this person will have your back no matter what. That you can tell your innermost thoughts to. That you know you just want that person in your life. Notice I say "want" not "need" there's a difference. 

I think when you find that person you can keep the love alive in many different ways. Mostly because both of you are making the effort. That will last far after the dopamine effect wears off

Sorry for getting off topic Synth.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

After a year of counseling we agreed to stop this week. I've made an appointment with my lawyer to refresh the divorce papers (I served her a year ago as part of an ultimatum - we go to counselling or we get divorced), briefed my accountant and bank on impending divorce, just need to get thru kids exams and Xmas/New Year before the nastiness truly kicks in. 

And anger, yeah, I'm angry. As smallsteps so eloquently puts it '_When we step away and take a cold hard look at the true facts they make us mad. We see the blame shifting, the history rewriting, the gas lighting and suddenly the anger comes easily_'. (I'll have to check your story).

We could've had a family, but a deep sense of entitlement coupled with an infinite capacity for being offended, only tempered by a need to be in total control. 

Sure, the regret runs deep, but this ain't butthurt, in fact there is a quiet calm about me now that I like. I know it'll be dashed once the divorce kicks-in and her tantrums in front of the kids start again, but that's when I'll be relying on the anger to keep me focussed.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Welcome delupt. Sorry it had to be under these circumstances but that's why we're all here. You came to a good place to find support though. 

One thing I would suggest though it to think about starting your own thread. You don't explain why you originally filed for divorce. There are lots of people here that can identify with your story and help you on this journey 

That being said yes anger is a necessity. Not an "eat you alive" type of anger but an anger that will keep your eyes open. An anger that will keep you focused through this. 

Oh and my story is detailed in a few different threads in this forum. I'm happy to say that it's coming up on two years since he left and I'm ok and he's well in my past now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I thi nk everyone grieves the end of a marriage in different ways. We are all on different paths. The 180 is very helpful to some; for others it's anger; for others it's wallowing/crying.

Do what works for you. 

And trust that it does get better eventually.

Because it does. 100%.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I think it has to be a combination of everything. Mourn the past and what was lost, have enough anger to realize the truth, and begin to turn the focus on yourself in order to start the healing process. 

Life goes on and I agree with JB - things do get better.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

This has developed into a really useful thread, so many pearls of wisdom for us newbies. I take so much from this and this site, my life is getting better and the year of IC I have done has made me a much better person. 

The cloudy thinking has pretty much gone and when it surfaces again I revisit posts just like this to remind myself of how far I have come and how much better I am.

Managing is definitely different for everyone, and we all go at different paces, for me I use all the things you mention to get to place of complete indifference with my STBX.

I love the leavee and leaver description Chuck, it really is so on the money. 

Anyway from sunny Sydney Australia, keep fighting the good fight ;-)


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yep.
Anger is healthy and is our friend.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Anger...

Had a lot of it and rightly so. 

Used it to do what was necessary to move on. 

No longer angry. Just happy. 

Hard to be both at the same time. 

Now it's just her that's angry.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I attend a divorce support group and this week's topic was forgiveness. Forgiving everyone who has wronged us. I thought to myself "Yeah, I'm not really there yet." And as I learned...that's ok. It takes a long time...months, years...to truly forgive. It's a process. Anger is where I am right now. When I feel that I'm not as angry anymore, then that's when they do something to piss us off again, especially when they do something that affects the kids. 

So let's be angry, but release the anger in healthy ways!

Everyone's posts are so helpful. Thank you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh I'm at almost two years and haven't forgiven a thing he did - I just don't give a damn anymore. I like where I am. 

Yes you are right though - when it involves the kids (no matter how old mine are) it makes me mad. That will probably never change.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You know, my XW was in an affair for 2 years prior to her divorce. 

I forgive her for that. 

She has since tried to alienate me from my kids. 

I forgive her for that too. 

They still love me. Still wait excitedly to see me. Want to be with me all the time. 

She has no control over them or me. 

So I forgive. 

She is broken. 

I am happy. 

I have an awesome GF. I have fantastic kids. 

The world is my oyster. 

I have no anger towards my XW. I don't like what she did. Things worked out for me but that doesn't excuse what she did. However, carrying that anger with me forever only hurts me. Not her. 

It's ok to be angry. 

Just have a long term goal to let it go.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm not angry anymore at him. Like I said I'm indifferent. I don't care about him or what he says or does anymore. 

The kids? They don't like spending time with him. It gets them even more when he constantly brings the girlfriend with him when he visits. 

I'm in a good place but far from where I want to be. I'm still working on that. Maybe that's why I haven't forgiven him yet. In my eyes he's lost his kids, yes, but they're still together, living together while I'm out there trying to start all over again. 

Somehow - it doesn't seem very fair. But life isn't always fair and its going to be up to me to keep pushing through.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> I have no anger towards my XW. I don't like what she did. Things worked out for me but that doesn't excuse what she did. However, carrying that anger with me forever only hurts me. Not her.
> 
> It's ok to be angry.
> 
> Just have a long term goal to let it go.


Bitterness, hatred, and resentment are bad. But anger is useful. After my failed marriage many years ago, I didn't hate my ex and I wasn't bitter or resentful towards her. But I was angry and pissed off at myself for putting up with crap for too long. It was my way of holding myself accountable to never repeat the same mistakes.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

near the end, I felt more pity than anything for my X wife. She ran and there is 

a good chance she will never stop running. But I had her at her best and she

was amazing. I will always remember that girl...in my dreams. Who she is today,

is someone I hardly ever knew.


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## carsonbr1 (Dec 9, 2014)

Chuck71, your post really resonated with me...my STBXW had an affair and has since become someone I hardly recognize. She is becoming a better parent which is good for our kids but she has lost her soul...that went out with her affair partner. Very sad indeed.


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