# having trouble accepting what is happening



## lh44 (Aug 6, 2011)

After 18 years of marriage it is over.We have a 16 yr old son and a 11 yr old daughter.I have known my wife for 21 years.I am 51 and she will be 51 in december.When we met she was the first woman who ever showed a interest in me right from the start and the first woman ever to fall and be in love with me.I destroyed that love.I am so afraid I will never find that again.We really were best friends and lovers and soulmates.I did not have a large circle of freinds then or now so all my eggs were in my wifes basket and all her friends became mine-and now ive lost that which is so hard to handle.

We had good sex but to be honest right from the start of our relationship the sex quickly became routine.My wife although gorgeous and did enjoy oral sex with me but nothing else.There was never any passion and kissing-during sex she never kissed my body or me-she wasnt into kissing me almost 6 months into our relationship,she said they were to wet.So we actually never made out and kissed alot something which i love and crave in a relationship.My wife just wasnt an overly affectionate woman from the start but it wasnt awful by any means-dont get me wrong.And we just didnt have sex often enough,in my opionion.Up until a week ago I thought there might be a chance.What makes this so hard is that I caused the damage.I never communicated my sexual needs-I was definitely more sexual than she was by her own admission.She was satisfied because im passionate but i didnt feel the passion from her.
Especially after my daughter was born 11 yrs ago my wifes personality seemed to change a little-we were both 40 when she was born.She had trouble handling the new born and our 5 yr old son at the same time.I was working and on call at my job and helped out all the time i was home which was alot but my wife still almost had a breakdown because the needs of both kids was overwhelming her even with help.She became a high-strung type A personality and short tempered and argumentative toward me especially.Whatever passion we had was even less.
My wife and I always went out dancing together on saturday night for years of our marriage.We liked it.-9 yrs ago I found her flirting behind my back with a guy from the club.I got angry-it stopped and i got over it and we were fine.

Heres where I went wrong-I secretly was on the computer in 2002 and conversed and sent emails on a swingers site with people and wrote expicit emails about sexual fantasys with these people-partly in search of what i wasnt getting from her-mostly from being stupid.It was all anonymous and i never met anyone in person-My wife found the emails and was devestated-accused me of betrayal and a secret life-I apologized-got treatment because i love her so much-she is like my playboy playmate -my own wife-I dont know why i was doing it but maybe i do-there was something missing from her-and after 5 weeks of separating from me-but living in the same house-she forgave me-and said she still loved me

But in the following years i noticed a lack of trust from her always suspicious where i was-it was a strain but we still loved each other

In 2003 my 3 yr old daughter began sleeping in our bed-and i quickly soon after went to the couch or my daughters bed just to get a good night sleep
My wife has kept my daughter in the bed to keep me out and now 8 yrs later at age 11 my daughter is still in the bed with my wife and cannot sleep any where else except with my wife and she has done nothing to end it.She cant have sleep overs or go anywhere else because she has to sleep with my wife.She will need help

So I havent slept all night in the bed with my wife in 8-9 yrs-her choice not mine-so even though we were having sex-it was just really when we came home from the club and it was rushed-especially by my wife who was always worried about the kids walking in-not all the time but alot of times-I wanted to take our time and enjoy it-even though it was 3 oclock in the morning

So now its summer 2007 and what happens-Im on the computer again doing the same thing as 5 years ago and she found it again and this time an email had a picture of my genitals attached-I dont know what i was doing and am so ashamed and she again separated from me-but in the same house

I dont know why i was doing this to someone i love but she was stabbed in the heart and i know the damage i cause and the trauma-and understands how its a betrayal and a breaking of vows
Because of what i did almost right at that moment-4 yrs ago she started putting up a wall around her heart towards me-we stll had sex and we were together but it was different-Its like she decided she couldnt love me anymore or she might get hurt again-shot she shut the love valve off-she began living her separate life with her own private email-phone number etc-and by the next year-the spring of 2008 she began going out alot wthout me-one week with one week with her friends and in the summer-july of 2008 she once again separated from me without incident fom me-but again no divorce and we were living under the same roof-and i found out the she had been hanging out at the club with this guy we both knew-nice guy-a friend and she was telling him about us and he must have been saying the right things because she fell out of love with me and into love with him and she blames me for causing her do that-that she needed to feel goo about herself and feel vindication-They were never physical with each other and never saw each other outside the club so it was a fantasy love because of what i did
She wanted a relationship with him but he was going thru his own divorce and said no-m wife was hurt and she ended up coming back to me but never loved me-love him-but i dealt with it.We were still having sex-not making love-having sex

My wife was still texting him even though she was with me ad i finally said i have to move this relationship in one way or the other-because i was never going to do that again to her and wanted to move the relationship foward
I confronted him at the club and he didnt want any part of a relationship with her and backed away in respect to me

So 2 yrs go by and my wife and i while not real close were making it thru together and i was happy to be with her and our family.She seemed ok too

In spring 2010 at age 50 i was having a little trouble in the bedroom and was getting upset-and of course with our history and my wifes personal insecurities and self image issues she thought i didnt want her and that i wanted other people-which wasnt true- i was really having male issues.

So at that time she stopped having sex with me and pulled away and for the last year and a half she didnt let me touch her-we still went out as a couple and family but no sex.

i was still ok with it hoping she would change

But almost 3 months ago-the man she fell for from the club came back to the club-and i noticed she was angry at me like at no other time over the past 4 yrs-constantly bringing up what i did to her and her heart and love towards me that all of her actions that she does is because of me and what I did

Coinciding when he came back-she asked me for a divorce-she ended up asking him if he wants a relationship and he again said no
She was devastated -so i thought that she might stay with me but she still wants a divorce saying she just cant get over me being on the computer and wanting other people-she doesnt love me anymore-hasnt for a couple of years-cares but not in love-and doesnt trust me-always thinking im doing something-she wants the divorce but im still living home with her and the kids but we are separated under the same roof-she never ever wanted to go to couples therapy saying i had a problem not her-I hve been in therapy the past few years and its helped me understand things especially her feelings-I thought that if if she loved me enough she would want therapy-but no

She is still so angry-its like she replaced all the love with anger even though its 4 yrs later-she cant reconcile what i did-she wont let a good feeling come into her heart about me-even though she loved me deeply at one time

I have now found out that she put herself on a dating site and has just met someone-we are still living together and not even divorced-it kills me because my wife is model beautiful and all the men are after her and want her physically-

She met someone the other night and i over heard her telling her girlfriend on the phone that she liked him and wanted to see him again and was kissing him passionately-but i asked her about it and she denied it to me but -i overheard her say it-if its really over why does she still seem to care-why doesnt she just tell me-she constantly says she doesnt care but she shows such emotion still with me-mostly anger-its killing me because she never touched anyone ever except me until last saturday-im dying inside-and i never touched anyone else

have really lost her-even though she is seeking out other men-and may have met one-can i save this marriage some how or have i destroyed it-and do i need to stop blaming myself-she doesnt have to be doing what shes doing but if she really loved me she wouldnt be doing this with someone else because she is a loyal person and i destroyed all of that according to her-she ants out and seems adamant-can i change it-or should i just let her go


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