# Thought very hard before posting this



## Nickieboo (Aug 9, 2010)

I am beginning to resent my husband and his children. I just don't know what to do and I am considering a divorce. I have a very busy job and for the last year have been paying ALL of the bills. My husband works sporadically and whenever he gets paid, he has to pay back people he has borrowed money from or buys alcohol and cigarettes. He NEVER gives me money and it is always some excuse. I am so fed up because he has 2 children from his ex girlfriend, and when he has them come over, because he doesn't have money, they sit in the room all day watching tv while he sleeps on the couch. I will be in the room and they will constantly come knocking on the door wanting something. When he knows he is going to go get them, he will go out and get his cigarettes and beer, and then ask me if I can give him some money to take them to a movie or get them some food. He will also ask me for gas money so he can take them home. I will not give him any money because I feel if he cannot make them a priority when they are coming over then I can't either. I told him I cannot take care of everything in the house and then take care of his kids too. I am so fed up, that now whenever he says he is going to get them I feel so angry inside. I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and I want to tell him his kids cant come over anymore until he starts contributing to the house but I know this is not fair to the kids. But I am so tired of feeling used and so tired of busting my butt at work for him to feel no stress because he knows I will pay the bills. I am seriously thinking about divorce. I have not spoken to him since Sunday and everytime he tries to talk to me I want to scream. Any advice would be appreciated. thank you


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Well, I don't have a lot to offer in regards to advise ... but I think you need to give him a firm kick in the ass. You obviously work really hard and it is completely unfair for him to sit around. And you are not responsible for his children. I admire how you want to be fair to them by letting them come but I think when they see their Dad the way he is it is not good for them at all. It makes them believe what he is doing is okay ... and it is not. I'm sorry that I have no real solution to offer ... only support. Stand up for you ... because that is the person you are most responsible for.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My suggestion: Give him 1 month to find a stable work, and start bringing home the bacon within 2 months. Tell him how big the bacon he should bring home. For example, a monthly $2000 or $3000 to be enough to support the whole family & all bills paid. In 3 months, if he fails to give you the sufficient amount (money) He should blame himself who fails to do his duties as a husband and father, so you will file the divorce because you deserve a more responsible man! You're independent! You don't owe him a thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well, I always encourage communicating with your partner as the easiest and most straightforward method to get the results you're looking for.

But presuming that route isn't working ... I'd suggest the following:

Don't blame his kids because their dad is a knucklehead. 

Distance yourself from him emotionally. Set some boundaries and stick to them.

Stop giving him money. I'm presuming your finances are separate? If not, I suggest opening your own account and start having your check direct deposited.

Tell him what bills he is responsible for. If he avoids or ignores his responsibilities continually, well then socking your money away looks like a brilliant idea for when you decide to leave.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tunera? Are you the one with the boundary links?? 

OP listen to Deejo.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

why are you still sitting there. what way is he making your life better?! where i come from we would call him a scrub but i didnt say that out loud you can do bad all by your self. what wonderful things does he do bring say how is your life together enlightened. does he make you feel good pretty valued? is he your husband or your son? not a fan of "D" but those are his kids not yours. if you dont get out you will hate him your self the kids the baby mama not worth it. sorry so long and not trying to be mean. just an point of view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

eons ago when I was married I had a different but similar problem..my exhusband would always have his cousin over, he was like a close friend of his, but the problem was I would end up sitting by myself in the bedroom, while the two of them would spend hours and hours in the living room watching tv, talking and I felt like they were the ones in the relationship...i kept stuffing it until the day i was going to just blow up. it ended up alot of fights because he was making his relatives the priority, instead of our relationship

i realize now the way to avoid things like that is to say something at the start, rather than letting it turn into a big problem...

anyways you definately need to talk to him...since your understandably furious about it, dont do it at a time when either one of you is busy or preoccupied, tired or in a bad mood. Tell him you guys need to make a time to talk, set aside a couple hours on a sunday afternoon or something, over coffee or a meal, in a relaxed non-accusing way, tell him you love him but you arent happy w/ somethings and want to improve your relationship...
maybe since its just been that way so long, and you both fell into those roles, he might not realize how much it bothers you..
make a short list and read it in non-emotional way..you can ask him if there anything he wants you to do/ not do, and that way he will be more open to changing himeself

as far as the children go..i undersrtand your frustration but try not to be angry at them..they are innocent and put in the middle of this...i really feel bad for them, its not their fault they are being shuffled around like that


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## Nickieboo (Aug 9, 2010)

Thank you all for your input. I have decided that I will not give him one more penny. I have also told him that it is his responsibility to provide a place for his children to live when they are not with their mother. Since he is not contributing to this household, then this will not be the place for them to hang out. If he wants to leave, then so be it. 

If he doesn't have money for gas...not my problem....maybe the car will run on beer.... 

I am surprised with how free I feel. It is like I have no cares in the world. Maybe that is because I carried all of HIS cares and didn't realize that my life is pretty stress free with out his drama...Life is good....

Thank you all....


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Nickieboo - I see you wrote your last post a month ago, how has it been going since? although you told him he couldn't bring his kids to the house - has he played by the rules? It is much easier to say some things than to act on them, However - soooo glad you said it. At least you got it out of your system & he knows how you feel. 

But have you addressed his not working & lazy attitude in your marriage. YOu mentioned he couldn't bring his kids there but what about what he is doing day to day while you work your butt off? Have you been able to come up with a plan for him to contribute to the household finances? 
You mentioned he only works sporadically - is that because he is late, irresponsible, only taking temp jobs, down sized due to economy? Depending on the reasons for his lack of employment might determine how you can approach his NOT working. 
Maybe you can work some kind of agreement that as long as you are working to bring home the $$, he needs to take care of the household - cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc to relieve some burdens from you. 
I hope you can work out some arrangement with your husband because as Deejo mentions, divorce is not something I like to recommend to anyone. I think it is best to exhaust all your options before you file for divorce. Maybe counseling - is that an option? worth it? 

Good luck & I hope your husband starts pulling his weight so you don't have the burden riding on you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I know you are frustrated but please keep in mind that any positive adult role model will only help those kids. I'm not sure what mom is like but dad is damaging them by his example. As hard as it is please don't resent the kids, they are victims of their environment, I'm not saying you need to take over but just be patient with them. If your husband stays I think you still need to let the kids come visit, unless they're devil children!

As for your husband.....A marriage is a partnership, in my opinion it should be a team effort, back to back, hand in hand, if not then its not working. He just isn't doing his part, what you have is a dependent, not a partner, and an incorrigible dependent at that. Not sure how long you have been married but is the past what you want for the future? When your life isn't working you have to make changes. What's the biggest negative in your life right now and how can you change that? If hubby hasn't always been like this what can be done to get him to reinvest in your life? If that's just the way he is at the core then......

One of my life regrets was staying married to an incorrigible dependent for way to long.


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