# Too Little Too Late? (sex problems)



## loveisthemovement (Aug 15, 2012)

My FH is an incredible, kind, giving man. We fell in love fast and hard, but have been together for going on 3 years.. That love was unconditional throughout all of our relationship, and still was well into our engagement.

But he just won't have sex with me. It isn't that he wants to wait until marriage. We HAVE had sex, all of 4 times in our 3 year relationship. Each time has been, well, for lack of a better word.... boring. We have so much passion in our relationship, wouldn't it only make sense that it would be just as strong in the bedroom? Not the case. In fact for the last 6-8 months he hasn't even laid a finger on me. Other than kissing, and the occasional make out, you'd think we were just two best friends who shared a bed. 

No, sex is not the only important thing in a relationship or a marriage, but it IS important. I'm a sexual person. I don't have sex with random people by any means, but I love the connection that is created between two partners while having sex, making love. INTIMACY is important.

I've become unhappy, and completely detached from our relationship. I keep going further into wedding planning, yet I'm so uncertain of everything. I've tried talking to him, and he just shuts me down every time. He will not discuss our sex life, he just blows up about it. Over time I have just gradually been feeling all those romantic and sexual feelings go out the window. I find him handsome and wonderful, but I'm just not attracted to him anymore. He put up a wall for so long that I just don't know if there is any going back.

And now he starts being affectionate, trying to be ever so slightly more sexual, and I just feel sick under his touch. 

It is just too little too late?
I'm at a loss as to where to go from here. As much as I care for him, I can't help but wonder how miserable my life will be if I continue down this path? But, at the same time I can't imagine my life without him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I cringe when I read that sentence ...

"And now he starts being affectionate, trying to be ever so slightly more sexual, and I just feel sick under his touch."

My own personal stuff. Have had the above happen to me twice. Once by a woman that was going to be my wife, and the second by my now ex-wife.

If you want to proceed with the marriage, you need professional help, both of you. I'm presuming you and he have discussed the matter at length?

The circumstances you describe are not a breeding ground for a healthy, balanced, relationship.

Quite the opposite, it's a recipe for disaster.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You say you're a sexual person. So why have you endured a 3-year relationship in which you've only had sex 4x? 

Does not compute.

Do not marry this guy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He will not discuss our sex life, he just blows up about it.


Then there is no chance of anything improving. 

Why won't he talk about why he doesn't want to have sex with you? If he's blowing up about it, he may be embarrassed to talk about it or is hiding something. Is he having impotence problems? Is he asexual? Is he gay? 

I don't understand why you'd agree to marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Then there is no chance of anything improving.
> 
> I don't understand why you'd agree to marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.


WORD. UP.

:iagree:


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

If you're a sexual person, he needs to know exactly how important sex is to you. I told my now husband _well_ before we were ever engaged or had thoughts of marriage that I was a deeply emotional and affectionate person. I knew it would be difficult for him to hear(he is completely laid back, drama free and not emotional), and he told me later that it worried him when I said that. But he soon came to see that I respond to all kinds of affection, and he learned how to speak to me. 

Does your fiance really _know_ how important sex is to you? Cause this isn't going to be solved by just getting married. Moreover, these feelings of disgust toward him, while understandable, are only going to add to the already toxic relationship you have with him. That's not going to help you make progress with him, especially if he's already unwilling to discuss what's going on. 

I would suggest some serious consideration as to what you want from the relationship. Are you willing to live in a sexless marriage with a "wonderful man"?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It doesn't sound to me as though he has any intention of changing. If he's not motivated to have sex with you at this stage in your relationship it will only get worse the longer you are together. If you want to have sex in your life I don't think it will be with him.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You say you're a sexual person. So why have you endured a 3-year relationship in which you've only had sex 4x?
> 
> Does not compute.
> 
> Do not marry this guy.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

He may have a medical problem or unresolved emotional issues from childhood.He could very well be carrying emotional problems no one knows about. Be patient and loving but firm. Let you let him know, you have needs. Sometimes people carry sexual child abuse etc. for a lifetime.Maybe he has another girlfriend or addicted to porn/ masturbation. Who knows but at any rate, you need to make understand now is the time resolve this problem.


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## rigcol (Jul 24, 2012)

:iagree: with mel123 and would add (just like everyone else) postpone your wedding. You don't want to get married without this issue being resolved as it will only get worse and be more difficult to detach from afterwards.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Like most others here, I have to also say DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL THIS GETS RESOLVED. 
Sorry to "yell". Just had to really make the point. You said in your original post that you understood that sex was not the only aspect to a fulfilling relationship and marriage (or something to that effect). But with that being said, please don't underestimate the impact that such a mismatch can have on your marriage. 
Based on your limited description, it seems that your fiance is very defensive about something and is behaving like a child in not facing it directly and having a discussion. Its time for you to sit him down and in a calm, cool manner tell him that you are concerned about this lack of sexual activity and that you feel that marriage will be a mistake until this issue is resolved. He needs to confront how important this is to you and in turn, to the marriage and your relationship.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you can't communicate about this thing which is very important for you and deeply troubling you, then how will you be able to discuss other problems that come up in your marriage. This is a real problem and it is an important test for your relationship. If you cannot successfully resolve this problem or take steps to communicate about this problem more effectively, then you should not marry each other at all. So, postpone the wedding. In fact, get into couples counseling with him and tell him the wedding will be postponed until you can work this out. Try to rug sweep and you will suffer through the lasting effects of mismatched conflict resolution skills and unmet needs, which makes a terrible foundation for a lasting partnership.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

The issue will get worse. You should not marry someone harboring these resentments. You must go to joint counseling or at least get many books and OPEN THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION. Resentments should not brew, they should be discussed. Do not get married to this person under these circumstances.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RUN RUN RUN I say..... if you marry, you will be miserable..... he has tied your hands behind your back -there is not hope or help for such a relationship -with this reality >> "He will not discuss our sex life, he just blows up about it. " . 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

Do you want a cup running over with this >> This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like .. You will find yourself cursing the day you married , resentment being built brick by brick, and being envious of those with a fullfilling & mutually satisfying marital sex life.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

It sounds like he is trying some now. Don't let your resentment and disgust build up. Talk it out with him and/or go to a counselor. There are several things that could cause a guy to freak out with the slightest mention of sex. CSA is the first thing that comes to my mind. As was said, be patient and kind but clear on your expectations. If he wants to be with you, this will need to be resolved. You would like to have a discussion, with or without a therapist, to figure out what's going on to move forward. If he isn't willing to do that, then let him know that the consequence will be not being together as this is an important part of your relationship and needs.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Premarital counseling. Very important in your case. Does he only blow up and yell when sex is the topic? If so, what does he say? Don't marry him yet. Find out what his problem is with sex. Then decide if it's something that you both can work on. The key here is you BOTH have to want to work on it.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Sounds like he is gay and either hasn't realised it, or hasn't admitted it to himself.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

loveisthemovement said:


> And now he starts being affectionate, trying to be ever so slightly more sexual, and I just feel sick under his touch.


This is the quote that stood out the most for me.

It may be too little too late, but he IS trying. Have you tried asking him why he's being affectionate now and not before? I know that I had a HORRIBLE time showing physical affection for my wife--much less engaging in sex--for years. And when she brought it up I blew up at her because I knew in my heart that what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't correct it no matter how hard I tried.

All that to say: maybe he's just not a good communicator. It's difficult for many men to admit to inadequacies, especially in bed. It's not exactly the kind of thing that's easy to express to a partner or even our best friends.


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