# Thoughts?



## yukon (Mar 22, 2017)

I have been married for a year and a half now and we had a baby last 7 months. Being a stay-at-home mom dragged everything off of me. I have to give up work(promotions too), I had to give up my money to help in bills and mortgage. I had to cope up with myself, I have to take care of my child and my husband. So far I have no complain to all of this. Until, one night my husband went out and had a drinking he came home around 4am and was waking me up to go and see the stars "just like the old days", but I didn't got up because I was tired and still sleepy and I just can't leave my son alone. So half-asleep I heard my husband say "I am now a married man" to our dog and I thought he might had a weird drinking buddies, I went back to sleep and had been awaken by a loud noise caused by my husband in the bathroom(he hit some of our toiletries and fell down) so I went to see but he closed the door and I planned to just look at it after he's done but he's tablet was opened(I didn't mean to snoop and I was just planning to turn it off) but as I looked at it he messaged a Lady like he was wanting attention. And now I just feel like I am boring him, that I am not good enough for him anymore and I just felt like he pushed me away. I talked to him and he said it was just nothing I didn't get mad at him and tried to hide my feelings but the real thing is it made a difference it feels like there's a wall between us and I am not even good to look at it.. I just don't know where to stand now? Please someone enlighten me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband was likely seeking something to enhance his masturbation. For him it was likely the thrill of doing something a little mischievous that helps make it exciting for him.

Do not overreact! At the same time do not underreact!

Talk to him about it and make sure he is not struggling with shame regarding his masturbation habits and ask if there is a way you can enhance those moments for him as his wife. Something you could do would be to buy him a jar of coconut oil and ask him to imagine putting it all over you as he puts it on himself, and perhaps write him a special love letter from you for him to read that is a little explicit with some fun details. Doing things like this allows you to get your rest while you are tired, and if you husbands has needs this way you are providing him with a little something extra to help him feel loved. This is much better than him seeking it from another women that thrives on attention from married men. 

Hope that helps!

Your husband may request nude photos or videos of you, but it is best for him to use his imagination. This also helps protect you from any photos or videos ending up somewhere unanticipated which can be traumatic for you. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

"I am a married man now" sounds like the end of fun.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

How has your sex life been since the baby's been born? I'm wondering if your husband isn't feeling lonely and misses the life the two of you had before it became all about the baby. If someone's needs in the relationship aren't being met, it's not unusual for them to act out. He wanted to go out and look at the stars "just like the good old days." Sure, he might have been drunk, but he's missing something in the marriage that the two of you used to have.

I agree with @badsanta's post--there may be more you can do as an equal partner in this marriage. However, @badsanta doesn't address the fact that your husband messaged another woman on his tablet, and I think you need to bring this up--not necessarily in an accusatory or "blow things up" way--but you need to address it, because it's not acceptable. Addressing this could be a way into a more serious conversation about what he is missing in the relationship, and how the two of you can work together to improve things. But you do need to nip the messaging in the bud, because that's how affairs start.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> How has your sex life been since the baby's been born? I'm wondering if your husband isn't feeling lonely and misses the life the two of you had before it became all about the baby. If someone's needs in the relationship aren't being met, it's not unusual for them to act out. He wanted to go out and look at the stars "just like the good old days." Sure, he might have been drunk, but he's missing something in the marriage that the two of you used to have.



That's what I meant. Maybe my phone posts are a bit too brief.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That's what I meant. Maybe my phone posts are a bit too brief.


Or maybe I'm just a little more detailed in my posts 

But I definitely got a "guess I'm not having any more fun" vibe from the husband saying that. Even though I also thought, WTF did he expect, waking up his wife at 4 am, a wife who is exhausted from taking care of an infant all the time? I mean, I don't have a baby, and I would be irritated if my partner woke me up at 4 am on a school night to go out and look at the stars (a weekend would be ok). (Although I have told me he can wake me up for sex anytime he wants, I will always forego sleep for sex.)

But the dude was drunk, so I suppose it can be excused. But his disappointment is real. People tend to show their real feelings after they've been drinking.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The problem I see is that this is the same kind of situation where a year from now he'll leave and she'll be blindsided, saying she thought everything was fine and 'why didn't he just tell me he was unhappy'. He seems to be screaming "unhappy" right now, so what she does with that information will be telling.


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## yukon (Mar 22, 2017)

Hi everyone thanks for your replies .. Our sex life I can say that we can have sex anytime we want and anytime he wants too.. I dont think that this is about a masturbation thing at all (because he said watching pornography is a kind of cheating).. I am always ready for him if he wants to do something I always make sure we are open to do it he wants to climb mountains we do it even if I am almost sacrificing the comfort of our baby to compensate his needs..


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

It's the way the system is designed. Young women are paired with young men who for the most part are terribly ignorant of what it takes to establish long term, healthy families.

I should know, I was one of them Maybe the most ignorant of all time. I had no idea of what I was getting into or what it would take. I only knew I was crazy in love and that's what people in love do, have families.

I worked 6 days a week and played golf on the 7th. I had no idea of how it was hurting my wife. How angry she was. To make matters worse she held it all in.

I feel it is way easier for men. We have the excuse of work. We don't understand that a baby is a 24 hour a day job. As they get older it gets harder until it's not anymore. One day they go off and marry ignorant partners and keep that whole system going.

Divide your work load evenly with him. Make him understand he has to put the time in to get the results he wants BUT NEVER, NEVER forget that in the end it will be just you and him all over again. Schedule time for yourself but schedule time together too. Call in favors from family if you need to. Chances are your parents and his parents are just waiting to be of help (if your at all lucky).

Good luck.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

yukon said:


> Hi everyone thanks for your replies .. Our sex life I can say that we can have sex anytime we want and anytime he wants too.. I dont think that this is about a masturbation thing at all (because he said watching pornography is a kind of cheating).. I am always ready for him if he wants to do something I always make sure we are open to do it he wants to climb mountains we do it even if I am almost sacrificing the comfort of our baby to compensate his needs..


That doesn't mean he doesn't do it, it could mean that he's masturbating AND cheating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that it's time for a pressing cross-examination session inside the bounds of a most-loving "Come to Jesus Meeting!"*


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

He's talking to the stars, his dog and a girl who missed out. Sounds like he's wetting the babies head to me. If he don't come round in 6 months, he's a prick. Just make sure the kid's OK.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does your husband go out drinking? Staying out until 4am?

How often does he go out with you?

Your husband is cheating. He was online with a woman doing sexual things with her. That's cheating.

Do you know who this woman is? Do you know if she is someone that he knows? For all you know she was at that bar with him.

You need to check his phone records to see if he has been phoning and texting one woman a lot, or a lot of women.

You also need to check his online activity to find out who he's sexting, chatting with etc.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are newly married now is the time to establish honest open lines of communication. Really I don't think any of your concerns or disappointments are unfair and I think you should talk to your husband about it. You deserve the right to feel attractive to him and also have a life and he deserves a wife that is honest and gives him a chance to work on it with her. You guys are not acting as a team when you are afraid to talk about stuff. 

If you are afraid he might be cheating say something. 

Most young men are not going to just get that you need emotional support, but if he loves you he will want to help you. It's in most of our nature to want to help our spouses, but we are not as subtle as to get what you are going through as a SAHM, as far as the loneliness and not feeling sexy and all that. 

DO IT NOW. This is really one of the crucial points of your marriage. You need to establish this pattern from the start before resentment and hurt build up and it ends up hurting your marriage.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

He was probably drunk and worked up and when you rejected him the alcohol stopped him from thinking straight.

Put some boundaries in place and watch what he is up to online and no more drinking like that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

urf said:


> It's the way the system is designed. Young women are paired with young men who for the most part are terribly ignorant of what it takes to establish long term, healthy families.
> 
> I should know, I was one of them Maybe the most ignorant of all time. I had no idea of what I was getting into or what it would take. I only knew I was crazy in love and that's what people in love do, have families.
> 
> ...


No offense but as a man being a man has nothing to do with not getting that. That's on you, not your maleness. I get not being emotionally attuned, but not knowing it's 24 hour a job to take care of a baby, thinking you could be away from your wife 7 days a week and that is OK? That is really a bridge to far. I am so tired of this attitude that bad behavior is because we are guys. It's why we have such insulting stereotypes in the media of the "stupid Dad", or the horny frat-boy. Enough with that. Plenty of us men out here got it before we got married. We are not all neanderthals.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

sokillme said:


> No offense but as a man being a man has nothing to do with not getting that. That's on you, not your maleness. I get not being emotionally attuned, but not knowing it's 24 hour a job to take care of a baby, thinking you could be away from your wife 7 days a week and that is OK? That is really a bridge to far. I am so tired of this attitude that bad behavior is because we are guys. It's why we have such insulting stereotypes in the media of the "stupid Dad", or the horny frat-boy. Enough with that. Plenty of us men out here got it before we got married. We are not all neanderthals.


*I don't want to hijack the thread but I do want to reply briefly. I don't think we disagree on what you said above. I also think that we are ignorant until we understand certain things. Speaking as a father of 3 sons all married with children, all in their 40's, I can tell you from observation that the men I raised and am very proud of are not the same in many ways as the boys I raised. True, certain core characteristics were there from the beginning. But all 3 of them have learned a lot about how to be good men, husbands and fathers. Amend that to say excellent men, husbands and fathers.

I was speaking for myself and confessing my own ignorance of what married life truly entailed. I like to think that having celebrated 50 years with the same wonderful woman that I was able to grow from ignorance to a level of wisdom and understanding on the subject of relationship.

I don't think that boys have changed that much over time. I am not as sensitive on the subject as perhaps you are. I think Homer Simpson and Peter Griffith are funny slices of life meant to expose our foibles not to define men in absolute terms.
*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

urf said:


> *I don't want to hijack the thread but I do want to reply briefly. I don't think we disagree on what you said above. I also think that we are ignorant until we understand certain things. Speaking as a father of 3 sons all married with children, all in their 40's, I can tell you from observation that the men I raised and am very proud of are not the same in many ways as the boys I raised. True, certain core characteristics were there from the beginning. But all 3 of them have learned a lot about how to be good men, husbands and fathers. Amend that to say excellent men, husbands and fathers.
> 
> I was speaking for myself and confessing my own ignorance of what married life truly entailed. I like to think that having celebrated 50 years with the same wonderful woman that I was able to grow from ignorance to a level of wisdom and understanding on the subject of relationship.
> 
> ...


Continued here.


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