# She said he was not her dad...wow!!



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well, where to begin....

I arrive home from work, and DD is not around. I ask H where she is at, he states upstairs, we are not having a good day. I ask what happened...his story as follows:

First when she got off the bus, I asked her if she seen the wreck you texted me about. She had no clue what I was talking about and got very upset as her and I were not understanding each other. Finally I got it straightened out and she calmed down. 

Then she went out in garage with me. I had some painting to do so in between paiting and drying, I shot some hoops with her. She hit her head (on the pole somehow I guess) and she started crying. She kept going and going and wouldn't stop. I couldn't take it so I yelled at her to shut up, and she yelled back "your not my dad you don't care about my feelings". It snowballed from there and she went upstairs to be away from him.

So, I go upstairs to talk with her. She is hiding behind the spare bed of the head board and wall. (it sits at an angle in room) She sees me and immediately cries telling me to get away she isn't talking and isn't coming out. I try remaining calm, telling her I want her to come out and tell me what is wrong, why is she so upset. All she kept repeating to me is "because he wouldn't stop!" I ask, stop what? She said she couldn't remember the word but he wouldn't stop when she ask him to. I just walk away to let her finish out her anger on her own.

I got downstairs tell H she said you wouldn't stop.....stop what? He says, she is made I wouldn't stop painting. I said when? When she hit her head, you wouldn't stop? He said yes. He says I could tell she wasn't that hurt so I kept painting. Then finally he said he went to her, told her to look at her hand that she was holding her head with. She did and he said "is there blood?" she says no. "he says okay, your not bleeding, it's fine now quit crying". And I guess that is when she yelled at him "your not my dad you don't care about my feelings". After her comment, he replies to her "fine, then you better find a dad by Saturday for your father daughter dance". (ya, reaaaaall nice!)

I say to him, "well maybe if you would have kneeled down, looked at it, tell her it's okay, no cut, no bleeding, just a bump, hugged her, and be done with it she would have been fine. He says' he's not doing that because all that does is let her know she can get her way. Really?? Were talking a 7yr old girl here.

Is it wrong to give show 2 mintues of empathy, kiss it, shake it off and move on?

It bothered me her hiding. After she calmed down I went back up. She was in her jammies already and lying in bed. I say to her "mommy did not deserve to be treated like that over in other room. I am trying to talk with you and find out why you are feeling this way. You had no right to yell at me and speak to me in that tone". She tells me she was mad. I say it's okay to be mad, but to yell in that tone to someone who is trying to talk with you is not right, even when mad. Right or wrong, I explain to her that when I was her age, when if I acted like that, my dad would have spanked my bare butt! Me and her daddy never have spanked her but that I'm wondering if that is what it will take next time for you to understand? She is starting to act like she is ingoring me so I say to her "I don't appreciate you ignoring me either. Next time you come sit beside me ont he couch and start talking to me, how would you like for me to ignore you this same way? No response so I tell her when she can drop the attitude, she can come down stairs. She starts crying to me she will never come down stairs as I have just made her attitude worse.

I walk away again. I tell H what I just said to her and he THEN proceeds to tell me that on way back into the house he told her he is on verg o spanking her but he would wait until I got home so I could see it happen and know why it was happening. SOOOOO...that right there explains why she was hiding between bed and wall.

So, with that all said, am I over reacting again when I say my daughter 'fears' her dad? When I seen her hiding all curled up as if no one will see her, it actually broke my heart. And how she immediately started this crying at me like fear. It all makes sense now. It tears my heart. 

Finally, H went up to talk to her. They both were calm and I'm not sure what was said but she finally came down, ate dinner, and then went dowstairs to play where H was at. Somewhat ignored me part of evening. I felt like I was the one she was mad at now. As if I was the one who yelled at her. 

When it was bed time, she then acted like nothing ever happend and she was 'back' to herself with H and I. I lied in bed and all I could think is 'she is 110% like me'. I am a terrible mom. Why? Becuase it's EXACTLY what I do with H. I appeas him, make him feel better regardless of how I feel and just 'go on' like nothing happend. Is this right? Wrong? 

Ever feel like you may be better parents apart then together? 
I'm waiting on a few books I"ve bought to read but also have made several calls to a therapist for ME and DD. 

I still cannot belive she told him he is not her dad. Only thing I can think of there is that at that very moment, that is how she felt literally. Like jeckel and hyde? 

So lost in wanting to be the best mom ever for her.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, I will be as tactful as I can be, but I am having an off day LOL. When my kids bump their heads and cry, I don't jump up and down and run over and make a big deal. I ask them once "are you okay? Do you need a doctor?" and if I can tell that they are fine, I go about my day. It would seem to me that your husband thinks she is an attention seeker? Do you think that he could possible be thinking along those lines? "drama queen" "Attention seeker" whatever you want to call it??


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

DawnD said:


> Honestly, I will be as tactful as I can be, but I am having an off day LOL. When my kids bump their heads and cry, I don't jump up and down and run over and make a big deal. I ask them once "are you okay? Do you need a doctor?" and if I can tell that they are fine, I go about my day. It would seem to me that your husband thinks she is an attention seeker? Do you think that he could possible be thinking along those lines? "drama queen" "Attention seeker" whatever you want to call it??


:iagree:

And I also think your daughter could be picking up on the current tensions between you and your husband. This could get to be manipulation.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Yes, I do agree to a point being she's only child she seeks attention. It's not that I run and baby her by any means, but I guess I'm one of show the act of kindness, affirm to her she's fine and move on. Maybe it's the 'tone' he uses that I disagree with. AND, maybe my responses are completely wrong and inticing her to act out even more. 

I've had a few people tell me she may be acting out due to picking up the tention between me and H. I talk alot of blame and guilt for her actions. A part of me, because I grew up fearing my dad, I know how that feels and don't want her feeling that way. Right or wrong. Guess I'm the enabler of it all. Struggling. Have bought a few books on disciplining a strong willed child. Hopefully they will help.

Thanks for time in sharing your comments.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't see why you need to take all the responsibility, you are both her parents. Could he have handled it better? Sure. But your reaction to what happened was also handled poorly. Do you think that you treat your daughter more like an adult? The conversation with her seemed to be a bit old for 7. Trying to get her to open up is always good, but I have rarely seen a "how do you like it when I do it back" conversation go well with a child. Honestly, that would seem to me to feed into her attention seeking. If she wanted to ignore you, she's 7, tell her when she is ready to talk to you she can come and get you. Simple as that. 

I do think it is fantastic that you want to be the best mom you can be, but you do have to stop worrying so much about perfection. Everybody screws up. Everyone. No one has ever raised a perfect child. it doesn't happen. No one is perfect. Not every experience she has is going to be life altering. Some are just small bumps.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I don't see why you need to take all the responsibility, you are both her parents. Could he have handled it better? Sure. But your reaction to what happened was also handled poorly. Do you think that you treat your daughter more like an adult? The conversation with her seemed to be a bit old for 7. Trying to get her to open up is always good, but I have rarely seen a "how do you like it when I do it back" conversation go well with a child. Honestly, that would seem to me to feed into her attention seeking. If she wanted to ignore you, she's 7, tell her when she is ready to talk to you she can come and get you. Simple as that.
> 
> I do think it is fantastic that you want to be the best mom you can be, but you do have to stop worrying so much about perfection. Everybody screws up. Everyone. No one has ever raised a perfect child. it doesn't happen. No one is perfect. Not every experience she has is going to be life altering. Some are just small bumps.


Thank you. Yes, it has been said many times she has a child's heart with an adult mind. We have no circle of friends with young kids. All acquantences are H's age and up. Hence my own personal issues as well, missing people my own age. I guess I do make mountains out of mole hills.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I don't think she 'feared' her dad...she 'feared' getting in trouble/spanking - there is a difference. You know - your not sorry you did something wrong, but you sure are sorry you got caught - kind of thing. Dad's are 'typically' not the kneel down and love on them for a bumped head - dad's typically expect them to be a little tough - which isn't a bad thing to teach her. My daughter freaks out over every little bump - so it may seem callous when I basically tell her she'll be alright if there is no blood or anything when she comes crying - but she's got to learn that not everything small thing is something to meltdown and cry over. 

I think - maybe - you need to stop over analyzing every interaction your daughter and husband have. I take the approach of "its between you and your stepfather" when something happens and I'm not home. I'm certainly not going to jump in the middle and try to sort it out - they need to learn to communicate between themselves.

You don't know that she 'appeased' him just to keep the peace. As you said - you don't know what happened when they talked. My daughter has the ability to do a 180 in a matter of 15 mins. - From screaming and crying to " I love you mommy and cuddles" - its because they know they aren't behaving appropriately and then want to make up.

Have you thought of counseling (separate and family) for you and her?

Oh - and my husband is just waiting to get "your not my dad" - we know its coming, and his response will be similar to yours - "go ask you dad to buy your "whatever she currently wants" then" - sometimes a little shock and reminder of what they do for them even if they aren't their 'real' dad is a good thing - because they simply said it to try and strike out and get a reaction.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

EW, all 7-yr. old drama aside, judging from your other posts, I will get to the point here:
Your H sounds like a grade-A a**hole, and as nicely as I can put it, maybe you and your DD would be better off without him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

When someone hits their head, visible bleeding or an external bruise are not the only injuries possible.

It's worth checking out a kid for signs of worse, a concussion or internal bleeding.

Presuming drama queen behavior is bad parenting.

Arguing with a 7 year old and threatening to not go to a daddy daughter dance over it?

Sorry, that is just wrong. What a tool.

Expect a 7 year old to act like one. Expect a parent to act like one.

Train your daughter to expect no empathy for pain and for male rejection? Nice.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

michzz said:


> When someone hits their head, visible bleeding or an external bruise are not the only injuries possible.
> 
> It's worth checking out a kid for signs of worse, a concussion or internal bleeding.
> 
> ...


Well, that is part of my issue. Yes, I admit, kids are kids. She knows how to manipulate naturally, she's an only child. She also naturally, seeks attention. She is very smart and very strong willed. Do I talk to her more as an adult then child...yes I probably do more then should. Why? Because I myself grew up and hung out with (and now married to) people much older than myself. So, I guess my 'habit and growth' are what I use. Right or wrong, it happens. I'm trying, I'm reading, and I'm trying to get counseling for her.

BUT....I agree. When it comes to hitting her head, that shouldn't warrent ignoring. IF should just tripped on garage floor, scraped knee I understand maybe not being so empathetic.

It's not that she is always being drama queen. I know she can and honestly, as a mother, I can truly tell the difference. He however cannot. There have been many occasions she has gotten hurt that I could tell she genuinly was seriously hurt. One time she ended up with a massive goose egg on her head and I remember H feeling bad after the fact as he told her to 'suck it up'.

All I was thinking for this particular incident was, take just 2 minutes, go to where she is at OR have her come to where he was at, look at, tell her "no bump, no blood, your fine" and I truly beleive she would have been fine and went back to playing, hence elimiating all the other chaos. These incidents happen so often between them, she DOES sometimes go to the more extreme of drama. Gues she feel she has to in order to get him to show he cares?

Heck, I even feel I have to sometimes. Ex: I've torn a muscle in my calf saturday. Couldnt' walk was in severe pain. I text H at work and tell him and inform him I feel I need to go to ER. He respondes with, Wow...sorry to hear that, let me know what happens. REALLY??? I was not kidding....I LITERALLY CANNOT WALK. So when I respond back with the "F" word of how much pain I'm in and cannot walk at all...he THEN realizes I'm not kidding. (I never use that word hardly at all so it's a dead give away I'm serious). I'm stil on crutches 5 days later.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

michzz said:


> When someone hits their head, visible bleeding or an external bruise are not the only injuries possible.
> 
> It's worth checking out a kid for signs of worse, a concussion or internal bleeding.
> 
> ...


I understand there could be other injuries, but I do believe that EVERY parent knows the sound that makes you believe they need to be observed and every parent knows the sound where they just bumped it. If she smacked her head on concrete, I would be the first telling you to take her to the ER. On the basketball pole? Probably not going to be a serious life threatening injury.

The daddy daughter dance threat was completely over the top, I agree. But I also can understand that he got caught up in hurting her back instead of being a parent. It does happen.

EW -- I can see from your last story that he doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of things sometimes. Is he kind of old school, kids are to be seen not to be heard kinda guy?? Just wondering, my H USED to be like that until we found a nice medium between the two of us.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I understand there could be other injuries, but I do believe that EVERY parent knows the sound that makes you believe they need to be observed and every parent knows the sound where they just bumped it. If she smacked her head on concrete, I would be the first telling you to take her to the ER. On the basketball pole? Probably not going to be a serious life threatening injury.
> 
> The daddy daughter dance threat was completely over the top, I agree. But I also can understand that he got caught up in hurting her back instead of being a parent. It does happen.
> 
> EW -- I can see from your last story that he doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of things sometimes. Is he kind of old school, kids are to be seen not to be heard kinda guy?? Just wondering, my H USED to be like that until we found a nice medium between the two of us.



Yes old school but not in the way you mention. I personally feel it's all based from he never wanted kids (again, he has older son whom when he divorced ex, did not want full custody due to medical issues he felt son was better off with mom and to this day, 21 years later still regrets decision). To me, he treats her way older then she is. Not to mention, we have no younger frieneds with children either. Daughter has child heart with adult mindset. Not her fault and I take blame as well.

In fact, we had yet another episode of him/her ranting. I took her with me in car and I actually just kept quiet and let her yell out her feelings. Some things she said were "he makes me so mad! He makes me so mad I just can't stop" and the biggest hurt of all..."you guys made me this way". It brings tears to my eyes every time I replay her saying that in my head. She also feels her daddy doesn't care about her feelings. 

Over last few months he has been trying with more patience. And me, I've been trying to *not* feel I have to defuse every moment. Yet it's very hard. I have spent many hours trying to figure out where I (we) went wrong. I honestly can say this goes way back. I remember when potty training her and he and his mom would get so mad at me for not forcing her to sit on a potty chair. I remember a time she cried profusly begging to get off potty chair and he would not let her. His mom agreed with his method and I hated it. 

I'm at a loss. Obviously we have differences and me being mentally checked out is in no way helping either, I know. I have no clue how to move on and be happy. I've never done anyting for self, never been self happy. At my age, I'm scared I guess feeling like a failure.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Man, looks like our H's took the same potty training class LOL. We had the same kind of things happen for a long time. It all (to me) basically came down to trust. We didn't trust each other to do the parenting well. I had to let go and learn he had his own style, had to learn about waiting to talk about something I didn't agree with when the boys were in bed and sleeping, had to trust him to be a good dad. He had to trust me as well. I think the age old fight of "You are being too tough on them!!" and the other parent screaming " You are babying them too much!" LMAO. Ah, the memories.

What is something small you CAN do for yourself? Whether it be puzzles, classes, making a new woman friend with kids, etc, etc?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The one thing I would do in your situation is CORRECT your situation. You keep going on about having no friends with kids your age.

That is TOTALLY in your control.

You don't have friends because you haven't MADE friends. Be creative. I'm sure that, where you live, 99% of the population isn't over the age of 18. FIND the other families, and reach out to them.


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