# Intimacy where sex is not possible



## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Here goes. My wife recently gave birth to our second child. Unfortunately there were complications, and my wife is now physically unable to have sex, and this will be the case for some time. She has to have ongoing treatment for at least the next 3 months, and after that it is still a waiting game.

I love my wife. As far as I'm concerned she is under no pressure to do anything. She will take the lead from here, so that I can be sure she is feeling ready. Trouble is, she is feeling, in her words, 'horrible'. She is physically injured, of that there is no doubt. Things didn't quite go according to the book. But she is still beautiful. I try to make sure she knows that, but she feels 'horrible'. She thinks I find her physically horrible because of course I don't try anything, but I don't try anything because I want her to have chance to heal properly. I know people will recommend we talk, but we do. We've always been very open with each other, and that's how we've got this far and are still in love. I want her to feel gorgeous. I normally know how to make that happen, but right now, I wont try anything because I know that physically she isn't ready, and she is keeping herself covered at bed time anyway because she feels 'horrible'. I just want to give her a big squeezy cuddle like I usually do when she's feeling down or insecure, but I can't even do that now because she's recovering from internal injuries so I have to be gentle. It sort of feels like catch 22.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

As a woman I would have to say that I would hate it if my husband took the view that I had to take the lead and he was terrified to initiate anything. Especially if I had been injured, and even more especially if I had been injured in childbirth, which should be so special.

Now, clearly you have to address the physical issues and not push things too quickly, but you are not going to make her feel gorgeous if you are not prepared to try something, especially if you have up to now tended to take the lead in initiating sex.

I don't know what your relationship is like, but I would respond favourably to the following suggestions:

Do give her a big squeezy cuddle but do it from behind and hug your arms across her breasts so you are not putting pressure on her belly. Do it often. If you're in bed you might even go for a squeeze of the breasts as you tell her you love her, or that she's gorgeous.

If you like her backside pay more attention to it now. Remind her that it's lovely and soft. Stroke it, give it a cheeky slap.

Kiss her and stroke her gently anywhere she feels comfortable.

Bottom line is you won't make her feel gorgeous if you don't let her know she is. Also, she may want to engage in sexual activity with you; just not anything that could further hurt her. Give her the opportunity. You haven't said anything about your sex life before this happened but if she is a very sexual person she may be feeling extra bad, plus she may be feeling upset that you are not going to able to have sex for a while.

Finally, I am so sorry that this happened and I wish her all the best in her recovery.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> As a woman I would have to say that I would hate it if my husband took the view that I had to take the lead and he was terrified to initiate anything.


Its not that. She has really been through the mill. Things were not straight forward. The poor girl has huge deep bruises in her arms and legs where various needles were shoved in in a hurry, stitches in a very intimate place, excessive swelling all around her abdomen, and I can't even rub her lovely bum because that's done in too.



> Do give her a big squeezy cuddle but do it from behind and hug your arms across her breasts


Her breasts are terribly inflamed and she's been told by the medics that nobody is to touch them, not even her. She is allowed to wash them once a day but nothing more yet.



> If you like her backside pay more attention to it now. Remind her that it's lovely and soft. Stroke it, give it a cheeky slap.


That's off limits too. She hurts there too.



> Kiss her and stroke her gently anywhere she feels comfortable.


I'll see if I can find such places Thankfully with each passing day more areas are coming back into play. Her intimate parts are going to be off limits for a while though.



> Bottom line is you won't make her feel gorgeous if you don't let her know she is. Also, she may want to engage in sexual activity with you; just not anything that could further hurt her. Give her the opportunity. You haven't said anything about your sex life before this happened but if she is a very sexual person she may be feeling extra bad, plus she may be feeling upset that you are not going to able to have sex for a while.


I tell her every day without fail, multiple times, how gorgeous she is. The trouble is, our normal behaviour (outside of the bedroom) involves lots of totally random manual handling. Like I'll run up behind her and pick her right up off the ground and start larking on with her, or sometimes mock fighting or tickle fights etc. She is not used to me being gentle, and to be honest I'm having to learn the art of gentle contact from scratch, because excluding foreplay and sex, we're not usually gentle with each other.



> Finally, I am so sorry that this happened and I wish her all the best in her recovery.


Thank you sincerely


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Your poor wife, that sounds so aweful. I hope she recovers soon, emotionally and physically as well. Perhaps you could leave her some written notes about his you feel about her that she can read when shes alone?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Ugh. I feel for you both, I really do.

All I can suggest now is to really focus on areas that you can. Bite her ears, nibble her neck. Pull her hair, if you are usually rough. Just make sure she knows you are doing it to continue the intimacy and are not expecting it to escalate to anything else right now.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

The method may have to change a bit, but the message can be the same.

Caress her face/cheek, look deep into her eyes, stroke her hair, give her a foot massage, when you are across the room, say "hey gorgeous, I am so glad you married me, you are my own special gift," and things like that. 

Leave her little notes, and/or write her a love letter stating all the little things you love about her.

Send her a text in the middle of the day and let her know that you are thinking about her. 

I know that it is rough right now, but you may find that this situation will end up being a blessing in disguise. You may find more soft ways to express your passion and love for each other and give you guys greater depth of emotions and passion for each other for the years to come.




Just a little side note, my husband was in a terrible car accident that put him in ICU for a couple of days, a week in the hospital, followed by 6 weeks in a hospital bed in our living room. The very night that he is finally able to come to bed, he suffers from a pulmonary embolism and is put back in the hospital for another week. We had to get creative with our intimacy during that time. He had a crushed femur, broken ribs and lacerated spleen from that accident as well as cuts and contusions on many locations of his body. One of the hardest things was getting a 14 month old to understand that she can't hug daddy or sit on his lap. 

During that time I was his care provider, ran the household and cared for children and we also have a bunch of animals, large and small that I had to care for. For several weeks he couldn't even wipe himself, which is a major challenge for a big, strong, independent guy. 

The whole experience made us closer and stronger though. Hang in there and things will get better with time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A couple of years ago I had major chest surgery and was told to go very very slowly with sex. Any sort of movement caused pain for months, pain of 6 broken ribs. My husband never came near me. I didn't have the added burden of a post pregnancy body but did have a disfigured chest. If I had been dealing with a post pregnancy body, his caution would have hurt tremendously. Our marriage was not in as good a place as yours.

Touch her as frequently as possible. Give massages, give compliments, show your love and allow your body to react however it does. Having penetrative sex may be off the table but touching, caressing, loving words are never off the table.

For me, he came home from work one day and I had him lay down on the bed and showed him, very proudly, how I had learned to orgasm without pain.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lovemylife said:


> The method may have to change a bit, but the message can be the same.
> 
> *Caress her face/cheek, look deep into her eyes, stroke her hair, give her a foot massage, when you are across the room, say "hey gorgeous, I am so glad you married me, you are my own special gift," and things like that.
> 
> ...


 This!!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Since you can't cuddle and squeeze her, hold her hand and squeeze it, often. It's a nice thing to do when you're in bed and drifting off to sleep together.

It must be hard for her to bathe...will she let you help her? That can be quite intimate and sexy if you are gentle and caressing as you do it.

If you're able to wash her hair, a scalp massage while you wash is a wonderful thing. It's my favorite thing when I go to the hairdresser.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are parts of the body that can be very sensual that we seldom think of... such as the feet, hands, scalp.... A foot massage, scalp massage... just ask her to lay back, close her eyes while to do this. Explore touching her lightly on some part of her body that does not hurt, small circular motions. If she can get into it can make her feel much better and is very sensual.

Just a thought...


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Sincere thanks to each and every one of you for your suggestions and insights. I'm taking it all on board.


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