# Husband flirt at pool / on Facebook/ Linked in



## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Hi, I don't know if I have issues or my husband does. We have a past of his emotional infidelity, financial abuse and a decade of him going to strip clubs and texting -getting pics of them (he doesn't do anymore) -being crass with friends, etc. He has always been a social butterfly, part of why I love him. But after I discovered all the above my tolerance for it is nil. 

So I have made him rein it all way in... I wanna know if he has lunch or meetings with woman (mostly its business and men) but if there is someone attractive I wanna keep my eyes out. I occasionally check his phone/calendar email and prob. will for the rest of my life. He is so socially flirty -esp with women- I think he gives people the wrong impression. I feel like other women think he is trying to ditch me and it makes me feel insecure. 

We have rekindled a lot of our relationship and its been very good, less fights etc. But he still pisses me off when I see he has friended a woman on Facebook or Linked in (showing cleavage) or is single and/or I don't know them as a couple. (besides school friends from the past I don't care). 

The thing is he always loses a lot of weight in the summer and trains for marathons and this is great but sometimes I feel like he is just trying to parade around at the pool and scope people out just for the sake of looking at them. I find it so annoying! It makes me look stupid. I feel like I have to go to the pool just to make sure he's not flirting. I've told him I appreciate it when he makes it look like we are together and we sit together and he talks to me like he likes me, etc. 

Today I go and he's in a bad mood bc none of our family is up there yet and he is sitting alone just looking around at people sitting by some tattooed young woman (who wasn't cute but) anyway when I walk in, then there is some woman there who is recently divorced and I remember him friending her on Facebook (and I told him I was deleting her bc she is now single) and he said he didn't care but I just said to him... I don't friend single men on fb as a rule. and I just got this feeling she like noticed me and realized he had a wife. The whole thing got us in a fight... 

I just feel like my husband is trying to strut his stuff all the time, parade around the pool, say hi to every man and woman there, like he thinks its a popularity event. He drinks a few beers after 4 hrs of golf then wants to roll straight to the pool. While I'm always at home figuring out the kids, dinner, yard etc. I have started to go to the pool to check on him though! ugh he exhausts me. 

I don't think he is going to cheat on me but his behavior is so annoying and off putting and just plain immature.... HELP!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you marry a man like that? How can you trust him? Surely the 10 years of going to strip clubs would have shown you what sort of man he is.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

How old is he? 16? I see this as disrespect, not being a social butterfly--especially when you consider his emotional infidelity and strip club behavior. Also seems that he ENJOYS pushing UR buttons.

You cannot be the husband police at all times. Have a 'Come to Jesus discussion.' Then proceed from there.


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

Why do you think he's not going to cheat on you? 

He already has the behavior of a potential cheat.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

It will be very tiring and painful to rein in a man that has always looked for opportunities for fun times with the girls. You chose poorly. He will stay with you until caught cheating or finds something that he feels is better. The OW does not have to be “attractive” either. All of the single girls that he friends request are just backup plans. Keep your eyes open and listen. His actions so far are not what an honorable, loving and faithful husband does. Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never be able to make him someone other than who he is. And this unfortunately is who he is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why do you make him unfriend single women? Cheaters have no respect or boundaries - when he cheats, he won't care if she's single or married, as long as she has a pulse.


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## Lingeric (Jun 18, 2018)

Didn't you know about this man before?


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thx. but I don't think everyone understands. He never cheated on me physically. Just looking at boobs and crap at a strip club with tons of friends and I literally think he thought I never cared. I just thought he was out drinking not at the strip clubs. From what I hear it is pretty darn common so I urge you all to check your husbands whereabouts and phones too. 

Anyways, he is social flirty, not like looking for hook ups flirty. He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% he just is so annoying with his social media ****. He is just friending people who friend him but he doesnt understand when I tell him he gives people the wrong idea. Like a single woman who is friended by a good looking man thinks... hmmm ... maybe I have a chance. Thats what I need help with. How many times and diff ways can I explain this to him??


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thx. but I don't think everyone understands. He never cheated on me physically. Just looking at boobs and crap at a strip club with tons of friends and I literally think he thought I never cared. I just thought he was out drinking not at the strip clubs. From what I hear it is pretty darn common so I urge you all to check your husbands whereabouts and phones too.
> 
> Anyways, he is social flirty, not like looking for hook ups flirty. He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% he just is so annoying with his social media ****. He is just friending people who friend him but he doesnt understand when I tell him he gives people the wrong idea. Like a single woman who is friended by a good looking man thinks... hmmm ... maybe I have a chance. Thats what I need help with. How many times and diff ways can I explain this to him??


If random hot chic's are friending him on Facebook they're spammers guaranteed. 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thx. but I don't think everyone understands. He never cheated on me physically. Just looking at boobs and crap at a strip club with tons of friends and I literally think he thought I never cared. I just thought he was out drinking not at the strip clubs. From what I hear it is pretty darn common so I urge you all to check your husbands whereabouts and phones too.
> 
> Anyways, he is social flirty, not like looking for hook ups flirty. He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% he just is so annoying with his social media ****. He is just friending people who friend him but he doesnt understand when I tell him he gives people the wrong idea. Like a single woman who is friended by a good looking man thinks... hmmm ... maybe I have a chance. Thats what I need help with. How many times and diff ways can I explain this to him??


Well to many going to strip clubs etc is a form of cheating, and its actually not common. Any decent man who loves his wife wont go to strip clubs or flirt with other women.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Well to many going to strip clubs etc is a form of cheating, and its actually not common. Any decent man who loves his wife wont go to strip clubs or flirt with other women.


So the strip club thing is debatable in of itself if one goes every now and then. I didn't go during the marriage because I never understood the point, doesn't do anything for me. But then you factor in that he seemed to have some sort of addiction to it, which makes it not marriage friendly but throw all of that aside, when I saw strip clubs I gazed over that quickly and what caught my attention was the "texting -getting pics of them". This guy has very little self control and his boundaries suck. He may have not cheated physically that we know of but he has committed energy, affection and intimacy outside of the marriage, so he has cheated emotionally, looks like more than once. 

OP cannot devote her whole life being the warden of this guy because it's going to make everyone's life a living Hell in this marriage but he needs to have some strict boundaries. Boundaries that may be a lot more flexible with other people but when you are a repeat offender, you lose that benefit of the doubt.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you've discussed this with him and he's still doing it, there's no magic way "to get through to him". He's going to do what he wants. That means you accept it or not.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why did you marry a man like that? Did you think you could change him? That is a mistake many women make. You don't marry someone to change them, you marry someone who already matches what you are looking for in a mate.

You are going to have to either suffer through all his playing around, or divorce him. Note that I didn't say that you are going to have to accept his behavior, because I don't believe you would ever be able to accept it. I don't blame you, I'd never accept it.

So you are going to have to decide for yourself if you want to continue suffering, and do something about it by divorcing him and getting used to singledom. Learn from this and don't marry someone who has major flaws that will eventually make you miserable if they never change.


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## Sweetestkiss (Sep 21, 2015)

Honestly I think men are going to be men. It’s sad but true.. I have been dealing with similar issues. Maybe you should just tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he send single woman friend request because they may get the wrong idea and start looking for a hook up. I feel like as long as he isn’t engaging in no sexual acts I wouldn’t worry too much.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sweetestkiss said:


> Honestly I think men are going to be men. It’s sad but true.. I have been dealing with similar issues. Maybe you should just tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he send single woman friend request because they may get the wrong idea and start looking for a hook up. I feel like as long as he isn’t engaging in no sexual acts I wouldn’t worry too much.


Please no ..... I am a man, I don't act like this. (Low Grade) Men are going to be (Low Grade) men, sure. 

Please think more of yourself than this, this is not what good men do. 

Going to be blunt for a second but men being men, would be rubbing one out in the shower. Watching a skin flick every now and then. Talking to their buddies about the 'a$$' on that one between themselves but keeping it at that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

redpoppies34 said:


> We have a past of his emotional infidelity, financial abuse and a decade of him going to strip clubs and texting -getting pics of them (he doesn't do anymore) -being crass with friends, etc.


In your next post, it sounds like you are actually defending him, because he never cheated on you "physically." Cheating is cheating, whether emotional or physical.

Apparently you now believe he's stopped with the above-mentioned nonsense. However, he gets his jollies strutting his stuff whenever possible.

Why do you put up with this crap? Because it sounds to me like he disrespects you, whether he's emotionally unfaithful or overtly flirting with other women.

Sorry, but I don't understand why a woman would put up with this nonsense.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sweetestkiss said:


> Honestly I think men are going to be men. It’s sad but true.. I have been dealing with similar issues. Maybe you should just tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he send single woman friend request because they may get the wrong idea and start looking for a hook up. I feel like as long as he isn’t engaging in no sexual acts I wouldn’t worry too much.


No. That's how SOME men are. Don't make it sound like this is true of all or even most men because it isn't.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thx. but I don't think everyone understands. He never cheated on me physically. Just looking at boobs and crap at a strip club with tons of friends and I literally think he thought I never cared. I just thought he was out drinking not at the strip clubs. From what I hear it is pretty darn common so I urge you all to check your husbands whereabouts and phones too.
> 
> Anyways, he is social flirty, not like looking for hook ups flirty. He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% he just is so annoying with his social media ****. He is just friending people who friend him but he doesnt understand when I tell him he gives people the wrong idea. Like a single woman who is friended by a good looking man thinks... hmmm ... maybe I have a chance. Thats what I need help with. How many times and diff ways can I explain this to him??


That's not how you presented it in your original post...what happened to the decade of emotional and financial abuse?



Sweetestkiss said:


> Honestly I think men are going to be men. It’s sad but true.. I have been dealing with similar issues. Maybe you should just tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he send single woman friend request because they may get the wrong idea and start looking for a hook up. I feel like as long as he isn’t engaging in no sexual acts I wouldn’t worry too much.


Um no. SOME men are like this, to say all men do this is insulting to the good men both irl and here on TAM.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Your husband has piss poor boundaries and that leads to affairs. If he's hanging out at the pool and doesn't like you around then he is trolling for action, and what better low-hanging fruit than divorced women at the complex's pool? Especially the ones he friends on social media.

Honorable married men keep their di(k$ in their pants. Rogues and scoundrels put themselves in situations where there are opportunities for easy action, places like strip clubs and pools.

Better wake up. I suggest you go to the MarriageBuilders website and read Dr. Harley's concepts, esp. those regarding infidelity and independent behavior. He has a great way of illuminating the issue you are facing and you will find his insights helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sweetestkiss said:


> Honestly I think men are going to be men. It’s sad but true.. I have been dealing with similar issues. Maybe you should just tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he send single woman friend request because they may get the wrong idea and start looking for a hook up. I feel like as long as he isn’t engaging in no sexual acts I wouldn’t worry too much.


Sorry but many men don't act that way. Please don't degrade all men by saying that. Its just not true. 
We need to marry a man who has similar values to ours. If a man we are dating goes to strip clubs for example, or flirts with other women, then why are we surprised when they carry on? I wouldn't touch a man like that with a barge pole as we say in the UK.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop begging this guy to stop acting like a horndog. It isn't working. When you see him at the pool working the ladies, take your children to him while he is mid-flirt and tell him to watch them because you need to run to the pharmacy for his ED medication and walk away. Every time he does this, pull him up short. When he complains, tell him it is hard to respect him when he doesn't respect himself.

Because, no self-respecting person acts like they are single when they are married. And, no married man needs a cadre of female friends. What a vagina (synonym).


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Re: Married men and strip clubs - maybe it's the company I keep but I honestly don't know a single friend that does anything like this. When we were in our early/mid 20's, unmarried, or bachelor parties maybe. Perhaps a guys trip to Vegas. But some guys (most) do grow up. 

Based on his behavior why are you certain that he hasn't or wouldn't cheat? So many red flags, so much opportunity (out with the guys!). Everything you are saying says to me that this guy has absolutely no self-esteem and is just craving validation from any paid/non-paid person he can get it from. What makes this man a special faithful horndog snowflake?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Re: Married men and strip clubs - maybe it's the company I keep but I honestly don't know a single friend that does anything like this. When we were in our early/mid 20's, unmarried, or bachelor parties maybe. Perhaps a guys trip to Vegas. But some guys (most) do grow up.
> 
> Based on his behavior why are you certain that he hasn't or wouldn't cheat? So many red flags, so much opportunity (out with the guys!). Everything you are saying says to me that this guy has absolutely no self-esteem and is just craving validation from any paid/non-paid person he can get it from. What makes this man a special faithful horndog snowflake?


You, sir, are an actual man.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You married him that way-- very social and out going so it will be difficult to change. Yes, most men are into looking at nice looking women. BUT many men are mature and respectful about it too. My spouse goes on facebook but it doesn't bother me what he is doing. I'm on it too. I trust him, if he wants to add someone, its fine--I don't think twice about it. He's a man and I know he looks at porn like most men but it doesn't bother me because he doesn't let it get in the way of our relationship. Have you thought about spending more time on yourself and less on him? Perhaps this would get his attention.. just a thought

I don't think I could be with a man who flirts and looks at women all the time.. I'm sure it's exhausting and tiring to keep track of him. You need to figure out what you want in a relationship and make some changes.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My husband does not go to strip clubs either-- he's too cheap... ha ha ha But really he just doesn't go.. They'll go to a fest or see a band but never a strip club.. Perhaps, when he was younger he did and then yes a trip to Vegas with his friends many years ago. But that's it.. Money is too precious-- he would rather save for a family vacation, updating the home, college for kids, etc.....


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thx. *but I don't think everyone understands. He never cheated on me physically. *Just looking at boobs and crap at a strip club with tons of friends and I literally think he thought I never cared. I just thought he was out drinking not at the strip clubs. From what I hear it is pretty darn common so I urge you all to check your husbands whereabouts and phones too.
> 
> Anyways, he is social flirty, not like looking for hook ups flirty. He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% he just is so annoying with his social media ****. He is just friending people who friend him but he doesnt understand when I tell him he gives people the wrong idea. Like a single woman who is friended by a good looking man thinks... hmmm ... maybe I have a chance. Thats what I need help with. How many times and diff ways can I explain this to him??


OMG .....You cant believe how many 100s of 1000s wives and husbands have said, *"I dont think he ever cheated! You dont know him like I do. He loves ME!" 
*
All the above is so common.... But then they come back about a month to 3 months later.* OMG you guys! You were right! that arse WAS CHEATING FROM THE VERY START!! HOW DID YOU KNOW? *


He cheated, he cheats, and he is looking to cheat again. Sorry... walks like a duck, talks like a duck...it's a DUCK.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Are you ok being Marriage Police for the rest of your time with him? I am EXHAUSTED just reading your posts. And, my dear, either you are in severe denial, naive, or both.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

The weird thing is I'm not. I appreciate you guys defending me. But I literally know he hasn't cheated bc I've like read every single email, etd. Yes, he emotionally cheated on me. And yes were were fighting a lot. But if he had physically cheated it would almost be easier.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> He would not cheat on me I'm like 99.9% ...


Said *EVERY* single betrayed wife about her cheating husband.

I can't believe you're naive enough to think that just because his phone has no evidence of texts or calls on it and his computer or iPad show nothing amiss, you believe that's definite proof that he's never jumped on an opportunity when it arose.

Not EVERY cheater needs to sweet talk their 'marks' with text and phone calls. Nor do they have to email them or have pictures of them or have any type of written or cyber trail to them.

Good lord, how do you think men have cheated all through history *before* cell phones and iPads and computers? You think they didn't cheat just because they didn't have cell phones or computers to talk to women with?

You are in for SUCH a fall from grace when you finally find out what a dog this guy is. Smh.


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