# Where did I go wrong ?



## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

So last week sex was non existence since I had the dreadful period. Well it lingered a little longer then normal (T.M.I) So my husband has been waiting and clocking the days. Well he really started hinting to sex a day to early, and he has been coming down with something. Well the other night he makes the comment while coughing and hacking up mucus "that he is scared that I will be turned off by his coughing". I didn't really comment on it. I just went to sleep. 

Well Yesterday he came home and went into the cabinet and notice that I hadn't properly closed my medicine bottle again. He has brought it to my attention numerous times before.( My youngest child my have gotten into some medicine one time, and I still rushed him to E.R as a precaution) Even though that incident wasn't caused by me, he blames me and believes since he has had to tell me before about properly closing the bottle that incident was my fault.

The E.R incident was really scary and traumatizing already, he decides that he need to reminded me about the E.R incident and even after I apologized he kept going. I explained to him how it makes he feel. I told him that I have a lot of anxiety about caring for the kids because God forbid anything happen on my Watch he would be my worse critic. 

So we part ways and I start reading on T.A.M, while he is played his playstation. I go into the game room to get my charger and he is like are you going to bed now. I say if he wants to, are you sleepy he then states NO. I just wanted to "rub your booty" so i walked off. Well 2hrs later after playing his game he comes to bed excited about this new game. I am happy for him he works so hard playing the playstation didn't really bother me. I stay awake waiting for him. 

Well when he gets in bed he starts coughing really back and hacking mucus again (allergies) and he starts cussing and stomping and throwing a tantrum because he can't "Play". At this point I am really turned off by how irritated he is getting because he is sick and he is getting so irate about it since he will not be able to enjoy sex. 

So after about 15 mins of his song and dance hacking and coughing, he starts rubbing my leg. I don't response and he gets pissed at me! His comment you see I'm trying to play with you having doubt about sex already because of this cough and your not responding....

by then I was not in the mood, Not because of the coughing because how irate he was getting about it. I am thinking wow your sick take some medicine get some rest ! 

Am I wrong ??

How do you respond to just some leg rubs after all the incidents of the night ????


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Personally I don't see what the big deal is with having sex during your period. Shower together before, have sex, clean up... I've never met a man who refused sex during that time. Or for that matter what about oral or manual for him? There are lots of ways to have sex.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

Answer to your question:
Understanding and not reacting to the situation. U say he works hard and he is sick... get him in the mood... if u react angrily to his anger instead of applying balm its going to precipitate further. no?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

He does work really hard outside of the house. so him playing his game doesn't seem to bad. We do have some bonding issues other then sex as well as far as my needs. I feel I am often catering to him for all the things he does outside of the home, versus what he does inside.

As far as Sex during my period we have both agreed to is a no go....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm confused on a couple of points.

First, what does the whole medicine cabinet thing have to do with the issue that night? It sounds like you were in the mood right up until have came to bed and started coughing, so who cares that you two argued about that? Besides, I'd side with him, it's not hard to close the bottle and if a kid did get into it, your husband wouldn't be your only critic, guaranteed.

Second, where is the communication? Did you tell him that you were in the mood until he started to freak out? He likely thinks you didn't want to do anything because of his coughing, when it seems the real reason is that he went on a tirade for no good reason. You should tell him that.

Finally, and I'm not blaming you here at all (actually, he should have got off his ass and followed you into the bedroom two hours earlier) but if you know he's really in the mood (and I assume he is since he's counting the days down till your period is over) then maybe when you're going to bed, come over, rub his inner leg until you reach his package and ask if you can borrow this for a bit.

Playstations have pause buttons for a variety of reasons. That'd be one of the biggest reasons.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

To me it sounds like hes making a scene on purpose so that hes insured you dont want sex..Meaning hes the one that really doesnt want to..


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I did try to overlook the whole medicine thing and brush it off. My husband can be very stern and inconsiderate of my feelings when he is trying to make a point. Kingsfan, you can't tell me you don't believe in accidents. Things have happened on his watch because of him being careless, and never have I attacked him or made him feel like slht because of it. I don't get that same gratitude. There is times when I feel like he isn't on my team. 

Granted, we have a lot of issues, But I didn't want to write a whole book or be a historian. We don't communicate well at all, without it becoming a pissing match. its always me telling him how he makes me feel and he comes back with "the 1 thing I do wrong messes it up for the other 99 things I did right, and which isn't the case. He talks to much trying to dictate whats going to happen next which is all negativity!!!! Drives me nuts. 

sure I could have initiated something, to ease his stress. 

When will my day come ???


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> There is times when I feel like he isn't on my team.


I get that..its no fun being "graded" and its all F's..

Do you ever get an A?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> To me it sounds like hes making a scene on purpose so that hes insured you dont want sex..Meaning hes the one that really doesnt want to..



I doubt that he didn't want to have sex last night. But the way he acts about lack of sex really gets to me. I have learned that its just not him from other posts. but I am still trying to grasp all these actions about sex. Me I am not a very sexual person so I don't experience these emotions when I don't get Sex. I believe I did when I wasn't getting my emotional needs met. But even then I am no longer experiencing those emotions either. I have a lot of work to do that goes back into my childhood that I need to iron out and so that has been my main goal and learning a new way and how to be married.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I did try to overlook the whole medicine thing and brush it off. My husband can be very stern and inconsiderate of my feelings when he is trying to make a point. *Kingsfan, you can't tell me you don't believe in accidents.* Things have happened on his watch because of him being careless, and never have I attacked him or made him feel like slht because of it. I don't get that same gratitude. There is times when I feel like he isn't on my team.
> 
> Granted, we have a lot of issues, But I didn't want to write a whole book or be a historian. We don't communicate well at all, without it becoming a pissing match. its always me telling him how he makes me feel and he comes back with "the 1 thing I do wrong messes it up for the other 99 things I did right, and which isn't the case. He talks to much trying to dictate whats going to happen next which is all negativity!!!! Drives me nuts.
> 
> ...


Of course I know accidents happen. I'm just speaking from my own mentality, and I know if we had a scare with the kids like that, and we figured it could possibly have been due to the medicine bottle, damn straight I'd be all over that issue afterwards. It was likely just as tramatizing to him as you, so of course he's going to get upset when you repetedly forget to close the bottle after.

if you had a pool and your kid feel in and almost drowned because the door to the backyard wasn't locked, you wouldn't get upset eventually if he repeatedly left it unlocked in future, despite your requests he lock it so the kid doesn't almost drown again?

It's a medicine bottle, it takes two seconds to close properly. I think that's a legitimate beef.

That all said, back to your main issue, it sounds like, based on this post I have quoted, you have a great deal of communication issues outside of the bedroom as well as in. You two need to really sit down and talk things out, rationale, no arguing or fighting and just be open and honest with each other. It's likely harder to do than it sounds, but you need to talk it out, and not just sex, but everything.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I get that..its no fun being "graded" and its all F's..
> 
> Do you ever get an A?



Sometimes....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Is he "hyper critisizing you" and then you arent interested in sex?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

curious0 said:


> Sometimes....


Well ..then ....something to work with .. I NEVER got an A..everythign I did was wrong even if it was right..


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

[/QUOTE]It's a medicine bottle, it takes two seconds to close properly. I think that's a legitimate beef. [/QUOTE]

yes, your right it is legitimate, but the medicine was in a place that my child couldn't get to. Hell he can barely get to it. But yes I should have made sure the top was properly on, but since it was in such a high place I didn't double check. Lesson learn and if I got to be hit over the head to save my kids life. Then I will be more then honored to take one for the TEAM !!!

When we have so many issues and I am intimidated by him and his words hurt a legitimate beef can make a girl feel low.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> When we have so many issues and I am intimidated by him and his words hurt a legitimate beef can make a girl feel low.


This is really your issue in my opinion.

You acknowledge the realtionship has problems, and that he intimidates you, which makes you feel low.

I wouldn't even worry about the bedroom at this point. Rather, get him on board to deal with the other issues and try and tackle those in a positive manner.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

It's a medicine bottle, it takes two seconds to close properly. I think that's a legitimate beef. [/QUOTE]

yes, your right it is legitimate, but the medicine was in a place that my child couldn't get to. Hell he can barely get to it. But yes I should have made sure the top was properly on, but since it was in such a high place I didn't double check. Lesson learn and if I got to be hit over the head to save my kids life. Then I will be more then honored to take one for the TEAM !!!

When we have so many issues and I am intimidated by him and his words hurt a legitimate beef can make a girl feel low.[/QUOTE]


((((HUGS))))


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I dont think he will be able to fully listen and understand sexually frustrated. I don't like the person he becomes without sex. I want to have a better sex life so he can understand me. But he wants me to be Sexually Healthy during our sexual encounters, when I am mentally hurting. When I ask him to go back to the basics He got mad and wanted to stop sex period in a negative way.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I dont think he will be able to fully listen and understand sexually frustrated. I don't like the person he becomes without sex. I want to have a better sex life so he can understand me. But he wants me to be Sexually Healthy during our sexual encounters, when I am mentally hurting. When I ask him to go back to the basics He got mad and wanted to stop sex period in a negative way.


Perhaps a trade, so to speak? If you agree to keep him happy sexually for a while (put a time limit to it) then he has to agree to work on issues you have with him (such as anger and communication it would seem). 

It could give you both a span of time where the disagreements drop off and you can both see each other more clearly, as well as what is important to him and you. If he can see that by treating you better in the ways you request he can have a happier wife, that could spur change in him. Vice versa, you may see something change in him with his needs met as well that is unexpected.

I'd just set clear guidelines on what isn't acceptable (him yelling at you for example) and if he does, there has to be a consequence (such as no sex for 48 hours). The same goes for you with him. 

Toss aside all of the issues and just meet each others needs and see how it goes. It may blow up three days in, or it may last well past your 'expiry date.' Either way, hopefully you learn something about each other.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I dont think he will be able to fully listen and understand sexually frustrated. I don't like the person he becomes without sex. I want to have a better sex life so he can understand me. But he wants me to be Sexually Healthy during our sexual encounters, when I am mentally hurting. When I ask him to go back to the basics He got mad and wanted to stop sex period in a negative way.


No girl (or guy) wants to pretend its hot sex then out of bed bash each other for how they parent or what kind of person they are..

He may be the "type" that can only express love and appreciation in bed..thats NOT GOOD..

I dont know the answer but I get you..If you are beign critisized as a mother and in other ways..doesnt make you feel "snuggly" ..let alone sexy in the sex department..

He needs to learn to give you an atta girl in other ways non sexual..


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

He may be the "type" that can only express love and appreciation in bed..thats NOT GOOD..



You read my heart .... :iagree:


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Perhaps a trade, so to speak? If you agree to keep him happy sexually for a while (put a time limit to it) then he has to agree to work on issues you have with him (such as anger and communication it would seem).
> 
> It could give you both a span of time where the disagreements drop off and you can both see each other more clearly, as well as what is important to him and you. If he can see that by treating you better in the ways you request he can have a happier wife, that could spur change in him. Vice versa, you may see something change in him with his needs met as well that is unexpected.
> 
> ...


I would love to try something like this..If he sees that I am pulling back he will pull back as well without any given reason. so that he doesn't look like the only one giving. 

He has this thing about feeling PLAYED !!!!


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

to compare and contrast, here was my night: 

after work I worked out, did my own thing. had a meeting with a lady about some hay, drank a couple of beers. 

got home, DH hadn't done anything special except walk the dogs which was great. house was a mess (as usual.) kids were watching tv (as usual.) nothing happening in the kitchen (as usual.) this is all, technically, my fault as I left to go to the gym without doing anything I probably should have. 

it's now about 9pm. DH is stilll having a horrible illness don't know what hacking, coughing, spitting up I don't know what. I remember I had mentioned to him in his morning shower that tonight he'd be getting blown. 

so I sat down next to him on the love seat and started working on his limp d*ck with my mouth. then started moaning and squirming around. then got on my hands and knees and ramped up my energy a good bit. he took off my underpants and fingered me while I finished him. 

then I had a beer and watched Shawshank Redemption in my messy bedroom with my dogs. 

did I have a great night, or what? and I didn't have to think about a thing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I would love to try something like this..If he sees that I am pulling back he will pull back as well without any given reason. so that he doesn't look like the only one giving.
> 
> He has this thing about feeling PLAYED !!!!


Once again, communication.

If you're pulling back conciously, tell him why. If he thinks you are pulling back, he needs to ask what's up.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

curious0 said:


> he may be the "type" that can only express love and appreciation in bed..thats not good..
> 
> 
> 
> You read my heart .... :iagree:



((((hugs))))


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

mina said:


> to compare and contrast, here was my night:
> 
> after work I worked out, did my own thing. had a meeting with a lady about some hay, drank a couple of beers.
> 
> ...


But for some including myself that woudl suck as far as a connection..


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

"But for some including myself that woudl suck as far as a connection."

This morning I got two phone calls and a text message about my magnificence and what a wonderful, thoughtful and great woman I am. 

Last week I got 2 dozen roses. 

The week before that I got 18 red roses. 

Since I've been putting his needs on the calendar on a daily basis, I get 100% of everything I need and want from him. I don't see a problem here.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

mina said:


> to compare and contrast, here was my night:
> 
> after work I worked out, did my own thing. had a meeting with a lady about some hay, drank a couple of beers.
> 
> ...



I am not sure, depends on your acceptance?????


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

Acceptance of what? I don't consider sex a "rare gift" that he has to "earn". It's something we do because we both enjoy it. It's part of LIFE. 

I don't expect him to seduce me and lull me to eat dinner. Maybe once in a while he will, like if we go out to a really nice restaurant. But every night? No. Most nights it's meatloaf, pasta or something that we have for Sustenance. It doesn't require a lot of fanfare or preparation. 

Why is sex supposed to be any different?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I did try to overlook the whole medicine thing and brush it off. My husband can be very stern and inconsiderate of my feelings when he is trying to make a point. Kingsfan, you can't tell me you don't believe in accidents. Things have happened on his watch because of him being careless, and never have I attacked him or made him feel like slht because of it. I don't get that same gratitude. There is times when I feel like he isn't on my team.
> 
> Granted, we have a lot of issues, But I didn't want to write a whole book or be a historian. We don't communicate well at all, without it becoming a pissing match. its always me telling him how he makes me feel and he comes back with "the 1 thing I do wrong messes it up for the other 99 things I did right, and which isn't the case. He talks to much trying to dictate whats going to happen next which is all negativity!!!! Drives me nuts.
> 
> ...


First of all, since my wife has a love language of "words of affirmation" when I used to treat her like that, I made huge "withdraws" from her love bank. There was no way she could be intimate with me when she was so emotionally wounded. You guys need to learn proper ways of communication and in my opinion it can only be accomplished through counseling. Sorry...I am going to blame him on this one. If I treated my wife in such a disrespectful way, sex would be non-existent, not out of punishment, out of an emotional disconnect on her part.

Google "fighting fair." Get the book "The Couple Checkup" and take the test. I think you will find many areas that need addressed in your relationship.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

mina said:


> Acceptance of what? I don't consider sex a "rare gift" that he has to "earn". It's something we do because we both enjoy it. It's part of LIFE.
> 
> I don't expect him to seduce me and lull me to eat dinner. Maybe once in a while he will, like if we go out to a really nice restaurant. But every night? No. Most nights it's meatloaf, pasta or something that we have for Sustenance. It doesn't require a lot of fanfare or preparation.
> 
> Why is sex supposed to be any different?


Sex isn't a Rare gift to me either. I don't ask to go out nor expect him to take me places. We use to Eat out more then we did home, so I don't yearn that. 

My husband works A LOT. He has so much on his plate. I want him to be successful. But with the success. I have been left out! I am not asking him to be superman. He often tries and I always get let down. I would rather not have the promises, and depend on him to do something that I can. He doesn't like when I cast him out but when I included him he can not follow thru, due to his demands at work. 

I just want to feel like #1 when he does have the chance to breathe. Most of the time he is burnt out.....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Why doesn't he take some stuff of his plate? Or is that impossible at the moment?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> First of all, since my wife has a love language of "words of affirmation" when I used to treat her like that, I made huge "withdraws" from her love bank. There was no way she could be intimate with me when she was so emotionally wounded. You guys need to learn proper ways of communication and in my opinion it can only be accomplished through counseling. Sorry...I am going to blame him on this one. If I treated my wife in such a disrespectful way, sex would be non-existent, not out of punishment, out of an emotional disconnect on her part.
> 
> Google "fighting fair." Get the book "The Couple Checkup" and take the test. I think you will find many areas that need addressed in your relationship.


Words of affirmation is my love language as well. sometimes he will forget to say something because he is working or he is so brunt out it slips his mind. My husband wants me to always keep the bigger picture in mind and think of where he is coming from or his Love for me then to take it a day at a time, or per incidents. He doesn't think anything is wrong because at the end of the day everything he is doing, he is doing for our family. 
He tells me he doesn't want me feeling like this but what is he to do he has to work. We just built a house and he wants it paid off in the next 5 years, so he doesn't have to work so hard and can focus more on his family and the military....


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Why doesn't he take some stuff of his plate? Or is that impossible at the moment?


He says he would lose his job, He got out of the military once and he was very miserable. He tells me that he is already slacking off. 
He tells me about jobs he is qualified for and wants but then says no because it would require more time away..He makes me feel back saying that I am holding him back in so many words. My husband is a Workaholic and refuses to be like the men in his family. He is closed off and loses his self in his success at work and in the military !!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> He says he would lose his job, He got out of the military once and he was very miserable. He tells me that he is already slacking off.
> He tells me about jobs he is qualified for and wants but then says no because it would require more time away..He makes me feel back saying that I am holding him back in so many words. My husband is a Workaholic and refuses to be like the men in his family. He is closed off and loses his self in his success at work and in the military !!!


People lose themselves in success because that's where the self-esteem comes from. Perhaps he feels like a 'failure' (for lack of a better term) at home, or in other areas of his life, so he dives deeper into work because that's where he gets the positive feelings associated with success. It could also be why he doesn't behave similar to other men in his family, because he has difficulty doing so and as such would rather not try to and just go his own way instead, in order to gain that level of success elsewhere.

Success is like a drug, you want more of it the more you get. It's addictive.

I'm not doubting you Curious0, just thinking aloud here, but when you say he says " I am holding him back in so many words" are you reading to much into what he's saying? 

Or is he saying something, just using poor choices in wording?

Or is he just being flat out rude?

You husband seems to be rather bottled up with his emotions and is unable to express them directly through words. Rather, he expresses them through emotions (anger seems the dominate one) and you are left to read what he's really saying.

I assume you haven't had a sit down discussion yet with him as per what was discussed yesterday in this thread, so i encourage you to get him talking to you and using his words directly to tell you what is the matter and what he needs, don't leave it up to you to decipher what he's thinking and feeling through his emotional outbursts.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> People lose themselves in success because that's where the self-esteem comes from. Perhaps he feels like a 'failure' (for lack of a better term) at home, or in other areas of his life, so he dives deeper into work because that's where he gets the positive feelings associated with success. It could also be why he doesn't behave similar to other men in his family, because he has difficulty doing so and as such would rather not try to and just go his own way instead, in order to gain that level of success elsewhere.
> 
> Success is like a drug, you want more of it the more you get. It's addictive.
> 
> ...


He gotten home last night late and I needed to nap, So I woke up to him playing his game and then he went to bed.... So no we didnt speak about much.. This morning he left and has been at work...


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Perhaps a trade, so to speak? If you agree to keep him happy sexually for a while (put a time limit to it) then he has to agree to work on issues you have with him (such as anger and communication it would seem).
> 
> It could give you both a span of time where the disagreements drop off and you can both see each other more clearly, as well as what is important to him and you. If he can see that by treating you better in the ways you request he can have a happier wife, that could spur change in him. Vice versa, you may see something change in him with his needs met as well that is unexpected.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
This is the way to go.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Well we went 4 days without sex. I mention that one of the those days I wanted to, but we had my son there and we were both tired. So my husband wanted me to spend the next few days to find a time to have sex with him. Well life started happening he started working late nights until early morning for a project at work from home. Then my oldest had to get ready for school and the trials of that due to construction..(long story) Well last night after reading my syllabus for my class I got a little overwhelmed, being that its been some time since I have been in school. I went to ask him a question and decided not to ask it. I told him never-mind. He finished what he was doing and went to bed. I later followed since the late night is the only time I can do my assignments. When I got to bed I laid down, 5 mins later he pops up out bed and starts asking me "what has he done now "?? I told him he didn't do anything and then he went into this degrading and belittle lecture about me.. It was very painful after all the effort I have been doing to make him feel desired and initiating sex he does this.???? 

He wanted me to come to bed and to initiate sex with him, is what I take from it. 

WTH?????


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

The situation between you two will never change unless you learn to communicate.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I have been talking and talking he doesn't listen he just give up and say yeah Ur right what's the point


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I have been talking and talking he doesn't listen he just give up and say yeah Ur right what's the point


Talking does not equal communication. Men and women tend to communicate differently. Often my wife seems to leave out pieces of information that her girlfriends or sisters catch right away. They come away with a very different version of what was said than I do. Some of it may be the body language, for example.

Consider a counselor to help you two learn to better communicate.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My wife used to make all of these excuses too. In 4 days you couldn't carve out 15 minutes? Really? Too tired the entire time? So, ya....he was grumpy when he realized that he was going to bed alone yet again and still not getting any. I remember those days all too well.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> My wife used to make all of these excuses too. In 4 days you couldn't carve out 15 minutes? Really? Too tired the entire time? So, ya....he was grumpy when he realized that he was going to bed alone yet again and still not getting any. I remember those days all too well.


Yes if he wanted to initiate it yes ! It's not as if he came to me and I denied him! And when he was why am I always the one having to make the effort? I guess me being 30 is keeping me from understand why I'm the one always have to compromise?

And why are they considered excuse if you work for 10 hrs come home for 3 and back at work again for another 6-7 in the middle of the night for 4days where is the bonding and emotional time at w/ two kids 7 and 3.


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