# A couple days/week apart help?



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Of course I can't write the entire novel here. We've been married for 7 years. Dated for 9months. Im 29, he's 27. I turned into a demanding and unaffectionate wife within weeks of getting married. We separated for a few months back then. We got back together, started a business, but I didn't improve much. I was young, and stupid, and didn't fully understand the huge responsibility of being a wife - no mother for example, only dad with an iron fist. I mostly never worked, just stayed home, no friends, no life, and b*tched... Sure we'd fight, sometimes viciously, but a day or two and we'd kiss and make up, and things could be fantastic again. We got into a rut...fast forward to the last few months. He has a huge forgiving heart considering the way I treated him. 
April, he started working crazy hours, through the night now and then, he felt a lot of distance from me. I turned 29 in Feb. I started an amazing new job in May. Im in the process of getting my Real Estate license, and actually have a better feeling of maturity and self worth; I work with some wonderful women who are good examples of wives. Also started taking some amazing vitamins(I know it sounds silly). So while Im starting this new job and feeling better about things, he's not really around much to see and he'd feeling worse. He developed a little bit of a bad habit, which kept him away even more.
He went through my phone and saw that I had told a girl friend "he apologized to me for being a jerk" when in fact it was I who had apologized...we both knew we couldnt trust this girl, but like I said, no friends, family, support network...I was hurt and alone, and had no one...I dont know what I was thinking. I dont even know for sure what the conversation with her was about, it was through texting and the messages have since been erased. 
So he was volatile over this and said he was leaving, that there wasn't much of us left anyways, and if I could lie like that about him, the defamation of his character was beyond what he ever expected of me. He has always(i know for a fact) told people that if there was anyone in the world he trusted with ANYthing, it was me, and God knows I have kept some enormous things between us. This was my first run in with having a girl-friend since we've been married. Im almost 10 years older than her and I kinda played into the gossip and childishness...So a week before our anniversary, he's packing EVERYthing of his in our whole house, with no where to go...he was in tears and I was in shock and we talked before he left for the night...agreed to go on a date on 7/1 our anniversary....same night after he leaves I tell my dad a very one sided story that makes everything sound like it is his fault. I never brought up anything I'd done wrong. Dad's ready to help us divorce, blah blah blah...I never told him we had a date planned....

I told myself if I had it to all do over again there was so much I would have done different. If I have to start over with someone else I would do things different. If he and I had another chance, I knew in my heart what I wanted to be for him, and starting that day forward I've made an effort to be a better wife.

So we went on our date, we started spending good time together, talking, hashing things out...things got better...He's noticed my efforts and is very appreciative. Affection, compassion, kindness, understanding, not nagging, giving him space, letting him make decisions, trusting him, etc. ( I was a total Bi$ch before) It was us against the world again, and it felt so good...We got season passes to Busch Gardens, went the last two weekends in a row...
This past sunday while at Busch Gardens, He called my dad to see if we could all talk, and my dad was a complete jerk. Then H started shutting down again...thinking about us having some space. Monday he called and we talked for a few mins and he said he was sorry for not being there for me and that if he hadn;t been doing the stupid things he was doing, then I wouldn't have sought others for comfort....We talked lastnight and He said talking to my dad really just reminded him about how the things I had to say have impacted others' opinions of him. He said he was starting to feel better about things until he talked to my dad, but he says he just doesn't feel the Affection, compassion, kindness, understanding, that I am giving to him now. I asked him if he wants to feel it, and his response was he doesn't feel anything for anyone right now and maybe a few days, a week apart he could spend some time alone thinking about things. He's thinking about staying at his grandma's. He said if he doesn't have the compassion for my(or anyone's) feelings that it won't be fair to me for him to just be there, but not have his heart in it. He said maybe a couple days without seeing me he can really figure out where his heart is, if he can go forward, he said he's very attracted to me, and wants to 'want to be with me', but just his heart is broken right now. he said he has very little happiness, but if being away from me is what makes him happy then we need to move on... I cried and apologized for bringing things down to this point, and he held me close...
I know on the big scheme of things, this is not the horrid betrayal some people go through, but it was out of character for me. He feels like he can't trust me the same...I said don't you think people learn? He said no, I think they just get better at it...
He's opposed to counseling, I am not. I do not want my marriage to him to be over. I think it just took me this long to figure out what a huge responsibility being a wife really was. (had no mother figure, no female role model vs he has both parents who have been through hell and now have a good relationship)While he was working those crazy hours I had a lot of time to reflect and think about our relationship and myself...he hasn't had that yet...
I have a heavy bag of humility strapped firmly to my back, and Im very willing, but wanted to know if this sounds like something that a few days or a week or two apart can really help? Im scared to death that this is the end. My heart hurts, my nerves are wrecked...
I guess what it comes down to is that we've kinda fell apart, since I've had my time alone, Can a little bit of time apart for him really bring clarity?


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Well I am new here but thought I would lend you my two cents. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, you should still give it a go. Only he knows if this time away will help. For me, time away was a time to not think of anything, I can't say anything improved with us by having a few days Apart.

Why is H against counseling? To me it sounds like he has not been very honest about his feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> Can a little bit of time apart for him really bring clarity?


It's possible. Not guaranteed. If he really thinks it will help I think the best thing for you to do is support him in that, even though it's hard. Denying him the chance to try and figure out how he feels won't make anything better.

In the meantime, I'd encourage you to go see a counselor on your own. Maybe he'll be ok to join you at some point, but even if not - it will give you the chance to get to say things out loud that you need to. 

It's so nice to hear you say that you want to be a great wife for him. That's very sweet and refreshing. But remember, you'll need him to be a great husband for you too. Don't just ask yourself what he needs... think about what you need too. 

As far as dad goes - if he's going to be involved maybe it's time to let him know some more of the story. Or - leave him out of it. No half way though. No one sided stories if you're going to ask him to give his honest opinion. If you can't do that, save it for the counselor - someone you should be able to feel comfortable telling everything.

I really hope it all gets better soon .


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Well, since I posted, he's took the step and went away saturday night. I am an absolute disaster, and keep crying and asking myself why did things have to get like this. I can honestly say he is everything I want in a husband and that I have failed him, mostly by being an overly emotional and verbally abusive, downright hateful person. Sure he's put me through the ringer too, but he never started fights. 
He texted me a little yesterday. We were supposed to do dinner, but we're both broke. Money is tight and by the end of the night, he said he might call, but didn't, said he is depressed and just wants to sleep. I'm letting him initiate convo with me, not me nagging him. 
I'm absolutely scared to death. 
I made a notebook and labeled some pages -What I want to be as a wife, - What I want in a husband, - The things I love about you, - The things about you that drive me crazy, -I want us to feel like...
and maybe some others. Throughout the day it gives me a good place to collect my thoughts and maybe during this journey I can share it with him too. 
The thing that scares me the most is that Im afraid he's just going to be happier without me. It was hard for him to leave and he held me close and told me how much he loved me, but I can't blame him for feeling the way he does over the way things have been in our marriage. I truly feel as though I have failed him. When we were talking about some time apart, he reminded me that recently he had a huge falling out with his mother and after not talking to her or seeing her for a few weeks, he got over it and they talked and are fine again. He said seeing me every day doesn't help him figure things out. 
Could absence really make the heart grow fonder?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Yes, time apart can be very good. Just the growth in you is huge. There is no guarantee that he will come back, but a good chance.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Well, he actually took me to lunch just a bit ago and we talked a little. He said he misses me and the dog and the house, and his life, but that something is missing. He seems extremely depressed. 
He offered to come over tonight and do some outside things around the house just to help out, so we'll see how it goes. I'm not asking him about coming home or anything, just letting him go at his own pace, so I just said ''if you're sure you want to''...I've pressured and pushed and demanded so much that I pushed him away, so I'm just backing way way off...I even helped him pack some things on saturday...I want him to find some peace and figure things out by just letting this run its course, I don't know what else to do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm currently separated, and my story is in my profile. Where you are at sounds like the best place to be. You just have to wait for him.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

The thing that is so crazy to me is if I were feeling like this, I would run to him for comfort and support, but I guess since I didn't have that to offer him, he has to run away and try to find it elsewhere, or in himself. It is hard on me knowing that so much of this could have been prevented. I just feel like a huge a-hole. I should have been there to offer the sanctuary he needed, whether it be for a day or for years...
I read the 180 list... Do you think it's ok that he's planning dates? When he left saturday he told me to txt him. So i did and I said, "this is your thing, Im not gonna bother you, if you wanna talk, Im here, and if not, you have your space. "


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't really think of the 180 as hard and fast rules. They are sticking points. It's great for him to plan dates. It's bad to txt him 30 times a day saying you love him. Just back off like you are doing. It sounds like you have things in a good place now. They are complaints that people often have that drive them away.

Just figure out and focus on surviving and growing when you have the emotional energy to do so. It's draining to be separated and draining to really dig in yourself to find and fix your own issues. I can suggest books to read or find your own path. I spent many hours online or in my local bookstores picking out books.

Just remember that there isn't anything you can do to change is mind. Keep on track to not push him any further away, and use this time to grow in yourself for this or your next relationship. Not fixing issues now will just lead to the same issues in your next relationship if this one dies.

Best of luck and God bless.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Now I'm beginning to wonder if there was someone else. Things don't mke sense and now my guard is going up. If there was someone else back when this all started that someone is moved across the country and in a relation ship. If I knew it wasn't true I would feel.like an ass. But I have a hunch and I'm scared to know the truth. It seems like there is more to his story than I know.
I don't text him. He texts me. And even then I don't respond right away. He says he misses our life. I say it didn't go anywhere. When he talks about this separation and we talk...I ask him do you wantto feel lile us again? He says about me about us about him. Its like an identity thing. Or hes wondering if there's someon e else out there. See how insecure I am? I'm a frigging disaster. I could take all the blame if I only knew we'd be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Taking the blame isn't good long term even if you could. I took too much blame in my own story at times and it messed up stuff later on. We are each in charge of 50% of the relationship. We cannot control, mind read, or make the other person happy.

Your husband is just confused, and that will take time. The signs he is giving though are very good. I am in your position, and i know its brutally, beat you to the ground, wrenchingly hard at times. Your own emotions and heart conspire to destroy you. I wish I had more to say, but as far as I know, there isn't an easier or less painful way. My faith have given me strength on some difficult days, but even then I still feel totally lost some days too.

Find out if there is someone else. Look at phone records if possible. Ask him. This will eat at you if its left totally unanswered.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I went thought emails, there was a draft from 6/20 that was titled BORED. but there was no text. to me that's enough. 

it was that long ago when this situation was much much worse, and since then she has moved, but i dont know if the contact has stopped. this was my best friend.  

I thought I was worried over a confused heartbroken man, now Im afraid its something worse. *scared out of my mind*


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You need to find out the truth. Can you look at phone records. The number of texts or calls to a number a month can be telling. Most paper bills or online will allow you to see them. 

I think it could be either way. Your story might be confusion or cheating. There was recently a few long posts that turned out to reveal pervasive cheating from a "confused" spouse.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

WEll, back then he tried to catch me in a lie, so I wonder if he befriended her in hopes of figuring out what I was talking to her about too. I have a feeling there's more to it than that, but can't face reality right now....too late, too tired, too many tears. 
If I ruined my marriage to the point of pushing him into the arms of another woman I will never forgive myself. Like I said I would take the blame...


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

It's never your fault if he looks elsewhere. Marriage means forever and through whatever. It's never ok to look for something else without talking things through first. If that's what happened, it's not your fault!! If he needed something, it's his responsibility as a husband who said "I do" to let you know what he's feeling he's missing. In that scenario - you get to choose how to respond. If he goes to someone else to console him, that's all on him.

PLEASE don't beat yourself up here!! You're clearly concerned, scared sh!tless, and hurt. To be expected. I'm sooooo sorry you're going through this. It hurts like hell.... I know. But it's not all you. This stuff is about two people taking responsibility. Two. Take care of your own heart. Please.

Best of luck. So sorry. It kills me to read this.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Thanks longshot. I dont know if you read my post in the Ladies Lounge about Alpha Female. I have to beat myself up a bit because I did bring on a lot of crap myself. It's a miracle we've made it this far. 
It may be nothing and I may be freaking out over nothing. Im really not freaking out. I've been trying to surround myself with good things and prayer. 
I made an appointment for a little MC session with a close pastor for next monday. Waiting for that is going to be torture. 
The weird thing is that he's still trying to keep in touch with me, so Im being short and kinda vague, not trying to carry on a convo. We spoke on the phone at 3 am and it was a great convo. Im letting him initiate any contact. He wanted space so he got space. Two can play this game. He says he loves me and doesnt want things to be like this anymore, but he is hurting and he is doing some soul searching looking for peace and happiness. I have to blame myself because he should have been able to have peace and happiness at home and as a wife I should have been there to help make that happen, not take it away. 
I want nothing more than to be a dream wife, and I have all the right tools to make it happen, just not the materials (him) to build it.
*broken*
real my alpha female thing and tell me what you think


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

NO MIND GAMES!!!! Show him love and don't be vague, but let him contact you. Try to stick near the 180, but absolutely don't go down the path of mind games and being intentionally distant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am in a similar situation. I have learned to do things through love and let my ego go. It makes things better.

If only I could shut my brain off.....grrr...


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

It's kinda hard to show love when he's not here. Im doing the 180 and keeping it simple. There is no point in him having space if Im going to smother him. If he's trying to figure things out, and figure out whether or not we're worth it, then talking every day isn't going to let him know what it's like if we aren't together. 
I'm not saying MIND GAMES. I just mean this is not just HIS thing, he wanted space, so the first couple days have been devastating and I've cried today too, but I just see no point in us keeping in so much contact just not living together. He wanted space so he's gonna get space. If I'm just the same old nagging wife who's always there and constantly texting and trying to talk, nothing will change. Plus this is a good time for me to evaluate how much I can actually not talk to him too. Im not so sure cell phones and internet are good for relationships. There's nothing left to talk to by the time the day is over because we've already texted and told eachother everything. If we work things out, maybe a little bit less nagging communication will give us a good reason to come home and talk, about our day and such....


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Maybe a misread your post a bit. There is a fine line between doing the 180 in a smart way and going overload and being distant when he calls looking for a connection. You do know your story, history, and dynamic the best of any human. Just be somewhat interested in talking or chatting when he does contact you. I've read a few stories where the person who left just files because they were getting almost dismissed when they would contact.

I'm glad you are seeing a pastor soon. I know how brutally hard the wait for that is and the separation in general. 

I wish you the best and God bless. Stay strong. I found some peace through my faith, support from people, and sites and books, but its still very elusive some days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

He's not calling looking for a connection. He texted me an hour ago and offered to call, adn i said that's cool it's up to you. u know im here  I didn't hear anything so i said I was going to bed and wanted to say goodnight and he could still call if u wanted. he said thanks, night _name here_ See, no connection...

I dont want to be a revolving door, you're either in or your're out. Right now he's out, and Im in. Im letting him run free. He's the type that goes through phases A LOT. like hobbies, music, food, drinking, etc. so maybe this is just a phase and if I just keep my cool and keep my distance, He can have his precious space, and it will pass...

Thing is is that this is out of my hands and there's only but so much I can do. Im pretty much helpless...


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you're doing all you can do right now by taking space (for both of you). I know you're thinking a lot about who you are and what you want to be. Please try to focus on who you want to be first - not who you want to be for him. I know there's things you want to change. That's a good place to be. But don't do it because you think it's what he wants. Do it because you'll be a better you for it. And then maybe, just maybe (with time), you guys will figure out whether that works for both of you.

Trying to figure out how to be what he wants is only going to last so long. Maybe you could do it for 3 months, or a year, or maybe longer. But if it's not really you - who you really want to be... it's just going to fail again.

For some reason, I have a hard time listening to you blame yourself. I don't know why exactly. 

Just keep asking yourself who you want to be. And then you can ask yourself who you want him to be in your life. Maybe by then you'll have an idea of what you can offer genuinely. And hope that it all lines up well enough. If not, you've only gone and done work that's good for your own heart which is so necessary.

I'd guess he's got a lot of the same kind of work to do on his own. I hope he's doing it.

So sorry for you. I know it's really, really hard right now.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

The thing is that he has been what he should be. Sure we've had out little issues, but he's been a great husband, as far as filling the role of the provider, man of the house, my best friend. That's why this is so hard, because I feel like he did just about everything he could do for 7 years, and it's taken me this long to realize what to do to reciprocate the efforts. He has put in 90% of the effort for a long time, and it's like now that I've realized where I want to be in this marriage, it's too little too late. I took too long.


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## longshot (Jul 17, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> The thing is that he has been what he should be. Sure we've had out little issues, but he's been a great husband, as far as filling the role of the provider, man of the house, my best friend. That's why this is so hard, because I feel like he did just about everything he could do for 7 years, and it's taken me this long to realize what to do to reciprocate the efforts. He has put in 90% of the effort for a long time, and it's like now that I've realized where I want to be in this marriage, it's too little too late. I took too long.


Me too. It took too long for me too.

But honestly, was he everything he was supposed to be? There was probably a reason you didn't put in the effort you're now saying you should have. I know you're in a hard spot right now, and I really admire and find it beautiful that you're wanting to try so hard on your end, but do some thinking about what you weren't ok with. Because if it's not both of you trying to work it out and being willing to make changes...

it just won't work.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Of course he did things that got on my nerves. Doesn't everyone? He's no saint, but they are things that I should have overlooked instead of judging and criticizing. The things that I wasn't OK with, I would have back in a second, because when faced with those things OR this, I would definitely have kept my mouth shut.


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