# New to forum- in a relationship with personal issues



## dktz (Aug 20, 2020)

Hello im new here this is my first post. It's going to be a long one. 

Im 34 and she is 29. We've been together for 6 years. I'm from France she's from Ukraine. So it's a long distance relationship. We met at least about every 2 months or more. Sometimes we stay in the flat we share for long period of time. Traveled together. Last time we met in real life was January due to covid but we communicated daily. 
We didn't exactly broke up. Even if we are not considered as a couple during this time. She took the decision to make a pause for 6 months. 

But its better i explain everything. 

She end up in a nervous break because of me. Her therapist actually suggested this pause. During this 6 month it is allowed to date other person and unfortunately even its unlikely could she find good man she could stay with him. 
Her nervous breakdown is also due to the situation. The covid. She works as a pharmacist in hospital. There is war in Ukraine and she havent seen her family for 2 years. But i acknowledge im a big reason. 

February 1st is the check point to be able to see if i progressed. 
I have some strong self esteem problems. Had problems in my childhood with parents who didn't show love. But also bad things that happened. It programed my mind to prevent having good communication, friends, express feelings. I could write tons about my self problems but in our relationship i was giving care but wrong care like gift only. Could pay attention to whgat she needed though andd give to her some time later. 

Rarely said i love you if she didn't start firdt. Never really listened to her or understand her, telling my feelings. To sum up she didn't feel safe or loved. I was receiving love but not giving or expressing. When started to speak about her it was always coming back to me and my problems why i could not do. . Or i liked to shut mouth of other and speak about blabla or something else. The problem is me and is real. And i have also some similar problems of communication with other members of family. 
She was VERY patient and knew i could improve, believed in me. If she wouldn't have got the nervous breakdown it could have continue to make her unhappy . To be honest someone else would have left me after just 1 year. 

Other than my behavior and lack of feelings the relationship was good and we have everything in common. she expressed hope we had many plans. We were going to plan to get married. But because of my lack of move i never took steps to get married. Since we are long distance we need organisaze papers for embassy. 
I really love her and realized it and missed a big part of the relationship if not the essence. Its love of my life i cant just let go. For me because of my problems i didnt realize this lack of love and attention Im just unable to express was actually killing. I have scenario in my head of what i want to tell her, do.. but after couldn't expres. Then it was mostly what i could.. like gifts. I was attentive to what she was speaking sometimes what she needed.. and gave her soon after as gift to make her happy.

Its true that in our family we never express care, hug brother, parents.. While in her family its the opposite its like her best friends. 

I know the steps i must do and what she expect. I need therapy to solve my problems. She doesn't expect new man. She expects move, steps, progress. Also she know i dont have work. I have a project that stays still for years. And live with my aunt because i cant take of myself. She just wamt to see things are moving. At the beginning she for example came to the capital for me. I helped her. But she improved from bad situation with terrible flat and aggressive people at work until what she is now manager of 3 pharmacy units. And on the other side she saw i didnt improve anything. 

I really want to change and show her she was right to give a second chance. Im just afraid she might find someone else before even if it shows me its unlikely in 6 months but im afraid so i feel inside like a break up. Also we havent met since january. 

How are my chance i could improve? And do you guys know which kind of therapy might help? Or even coach. To be honest i didnt knows basis of relationship. When she spoke about she was not feeling secure or safe i didnt even know before what she spoke about. 

I hope it was not too long amd you understood everything i talked about. As i was saying i have communication problems. Dont hesitate if you need clarification. Thanks.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You should always be working on improving yourself, for yourself. You need to make these changes for you, so that you are living a better life.

What is the worst case scenario? That she finds someone else after you've done so much work on yourself? Yeah that would suck but you'd still be better off than you are right now. 

Find a therapist who specializes in your issues. Not every method works for every person, so that takes trial and error. Start reading books on marriage. Learn how to take care of yourself, get a job, and get your own place. 

Then SHOW her the changes you've been making. Don't just tell her. Actions speak louder than words.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

dktz said:


> Hello im new here this is my first post. It's going to be a long one.
> 
> Im 34 and she is 29. We've been together for 6 years. I'm from France she's from Ukraine. So it's a long distance relationship. We met at least about every 2 months or more. Sometimes we stay in the flat we share for long period of time. Traveled together. Last time we met in real life was January due to covid but we communicated daily.
> We didn't exactly broke up. Even if we are not considered as a couple during this time. She took the decision to make a pause for 6 months.
> ...


Hi, 
Welcome to TAM and thank you for writing about your situation. 

So, it seems like you want to be a better man, but are not very motivated to become that. I'm not sure why your girlfriend had a nervous breakdown because of you..can you explain this better? You said she has a good job, but why don't you? I know you said your job has stopped for a long time, and I know with COVID it's hard to find a job, but something, anything would do. Even to just get off your butt and try, that would at least show your girlfriend you are motivated. 

I would say, at this point, do not get married just yet for a number of reasons: COVID, lack of job/money, and you need to work on your issues by going to a psychologist before you marry; I think it would benefit you greatly. Marriage takes a lot of work, every day! It can be stressful, so you want to be in the best state of mind. Also, don't feel bad for not being able to express your feelings, I know it is characteristic of many Europeans not to show their feelings. But it seems like you love this girl, so work on yourself with therapy, and you should be better able to show your true feelings in what you think is a better way.


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## dktz (Aug 20, 2020)

Hello

Thanks for your replies.

Yes I understand i must change and then show her some progress.

Well she told me she got psychological nervous breakdown because it was the accumulation situation with coronavirus, missing her family as they are unstable in war territory and me that during this time never felt loved, listened, supported. She didn't feel a man but rather a boy. She didnt see good future also because of my situation. 
And if breakdown was not totally due to me, the failure for me not giving feeling, listened her, show love, feeling she was not alone made it. 

I know Europeans may show less their feelings compared to other cultures. But this is a total lacking and i really need to work on myself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say you live with your aunt as you can't take care of yourself? Why is that, you are in your 30's.


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## dktz (Aug 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You say you live with your aunt as you can't take care of yourself? Why is that, you are in your 30's.


As i was saying i had serious problems that blocked me from moving in life. I know all i need now is to get therapist i should have done before.
I live with my aunt because she's helping me that i work on improving my situation. And also because it's tge only option for now.


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