# Let's Talk About Sex After a PA



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I have been reading and posting for about 6 months here. My Dday was a year and a month ago. Have not posted my story, need to get my head around that too (H had an EA and PA with a co-worker which I knew). 

About 3 months CTU and others here taught me a lot about Reconciliation and after a lot of thought, I have given my H a chance to work on the marriage (hopefully together). I have a million questions but for now (short on time) I need to ask everyone who is trying to R "How do you go back to being sexual with your cheating spouse?" 

I try but the thought of him being with her and thinking what they might or not have done, if it was better or not (we had a pretty great sex life - only man I have ever orgasm with) just gets me all worked up and not in the mood at all. We’ve had sex it is just not that fun with my head in hell, so I am not that interested (not happening a lot).

How do you get back there again?


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

There is no "there" again.

The sexuality between you and your husband should be "new", if you will. Like any marriage dealing with infidelity, the old marriage is dead. To reconcile means beginning a new marriage.

It is not easy. I know because my wife and I have been working on reconciliation for almost a year (Dday 3/6/12) after I discovered her 5 year long affair. We've both found that creating our new sex life has been absolutely amazing. 

You can't ever "get back there again"...


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

How did you get the A out of your head in order to have sex and not compare yourself with anyone?


----------



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I agree with Dig.
What you had was in the past, now is the time to find something fun to try with sex. Turn wearing something hot to set the mood.


----------



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

That is hard really is, not going to lie I still think about it from time to time. And let me tell you the images in my head make me sick. 

I had sex with him 2 days after I felted like I needed to reclaim what was mine.


----------



## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I have been reading and posting for about 6 months here. My Dday was a year and a month ago. Have not posted my story, need to get my head around that too (H had an EA and PA with a co-worker which I knew).
> 
> About 3 months CTU and others here taught me a lot about Reconciliation and after a lot of thought, I have given my H a chance to work on the marriage (hopefully together). I have a million questions but for now (short on time) I need to ask everyone who is trying to R "How do you go back to being sexual with your cheating spouse?"
> 
> ...


since you are tryig to reconcile-i will share a few thoughts that would be conducive to it;i will share them tomorrow;For now,I hope you too find love and faith back in each other.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I kicked my husband out on D day, because I wanted nothing to do with him. Didn't see him for about 3 months. When I did, the pheromones struck me and I wanted to jump him right then and there in the MC office. He was the one that held off. 

Hysterical bonding is what it was, and it was a new beginning for our sex life.

Dealing with triggers head on works for me. He got a bj from a hooker, so after almost 2 years I felt ready to tackle that one and just told him I was going to give him one and keep giving them to him whenever he wanted. Now the mind movies about that are gone.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> How did you get the A out of your head in order to have sex and not compare yourself with anyone?


I honestly still haven't completely done that.

However, with all of the new fun stuff we do in the bedroom, I know that it is OURS. I know that the books and videos that we've looked at have given us new ideas to explore each other.

Her admission about the affair sex was kind of eye opening. She said they didn't do crazy things or experiment. That the act of the affair heightened the sexual aspect enough that it didn't warrant extra things. Not saying that is true for all affairs. It was for hers.

I'm enjoying exploring sex with her. It feels like it did 15 years ago. I'm sure she's enjoying it, too...


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I honestly still haven't completely done that.
> 
> However, with all of the new fun stuff we do in the bedroom, I know that it is OURS. I know that the books and videos that we've looked at have given us new ideas to explore each other.
> 
> ...



Did knowing all about the sex she had in her A help you? I do not know that much, all he says is that it was nothing major and that it was not like ours. Who believes that? I mean you took your lunch break to go to a motel and f&^%k her so there had to be something there?! You risked everything and abandoned your home for that?!

What do you tell yourself to try and overcome this?


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Dig: I wish you would post the names of the books/videos, especially the ones that have been the most help to you and your wife. Thanks!


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Did knowing all about the sex she had in her A help you? I do not know that much, all he says is that it was nothing major and that it was not like ours. Who believes that? I mean you took your lunch break to go to a motel and f&^%k her so there had to be something there?! You risked everything and abandoned your home for that?!
> 
> What do you tell yourself to try and overcome this?


Yes...see, that's a big deal. Regret214 (her username here) admitted all of the sexual stuff they did. While none of it truly was outrageous, the fact that she had sex with someone other than me was devestating. Your husband should not be flippant about this sh-t, either. He needs to understand that behavior like that shows zero remorse!

Knowing what they did helped me in the long run. What I told myself was that it was time to create a new life. For me and for us. It is far in between that we have sex that I have any thought of the affair. When it happens, she can tell immediately and does the right thing. She holds me and comforts me. She tells me how much she loves me and how sorry she is for causing me so much pain.



karole said:


> Dig: I wish you would post the names of the books/videos, especially the ones that have been the most help to you and your wife. Thanks!


Best book: The Big Fun Sexy Sex Book by Lisa Rinna

Best video: Anything from the Better Sex website, which is produced by the Sinclair Institute.

Specific video: 10 Secrets to Great Sex (from the Better Sex series)


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I found the hysterical bonding the thing that helped. There was no big break between us, and so there was no stumbling block or nervous hurdle to climb over in order to start having sex again. And anyway, I had always loved sex with him, wanted it all the time. So it was easy to want some more. I wanted him, wanted him to hold me, to love me, and to make it all go away. Yeah I pictured him with her, but the more we did it the less I pictured.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Hysterical bonding is what it was, and it was a new beginning for our sex life.



I have read about this but how long did it last without you wanting to kill him or mental pictures filling your head? We were separated for almost a year.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> I have read about this but how long did it last without you wanting to kill him or mental pictures filling your head? We were separated for almost a year.


Well, we split in March, started having sex again at the end of June, he moved home in Sept, and I found out in Nov that he'd hired the hooker in June a week before we slept together again. I spent about 2 days a basket case again, then decided we'd work thru this too, and was ready after 4 days to have sex again. The mental pictures still invade my head from time to time, but nowhere near as often as they did at first. I had to actually start giving him bj's again before that particular one went away. Plus I really do find him incredibly attractive and love the sex.

It takes time and it takes you replacing the mental images of them with someone else with ones of them with you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Im my case I had more to prove to my self and even my FWW that I was better lover then the POS's she had.

Maybe its my competive nature or just the fact that I knew what buttons to push to bring her over the edge.

I wasn't going to let some POS get one over on me, it wasn't going to be some drunken night with some strange in a cheap hotel. It was going to be me in a cheap motel with all the time in the world to rock my chicks sock off.

If my FWW MO was phucking in the park or in the back seat I would have made sure it was the best back seat sex or park bench sex she ever had....thats just how I'm wired!

My FWW MO was motels and I made sure my game was on when I took her to a cheap motel....screw the triggers,,,throw that at me I can take it! 

I will not let my mind get away with the negitive...I diserve good things and banging my chick in a cheap motel is what she digs, well then I'm going to be the best cheap motel sex she ever had.

No matter if she likes it or not.LOL

It always seems to make her happy in the end, no matter how hard she tries to break free.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

100% with you man.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

the guy said:


> Im my case I had more to prove to my self and even my FWW that I was better lover then the POS's she had.


I did the exact same thing. When we went through that, It was, like, the best sex she ever had. But it fades.

Happy to report that I am having really good sex again... because I left my wayward and started dating a 20-something. No way in hell I was going to bear that psychological burden for my remaining 50 years on this planet.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It takes time. The first few times of making love with my wife after her affair, I actually found it hard to fully maintain an erection and I felt awkward. Almost as if it were my fault.


----------



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

it takes a LONG time, when hubby first told me of his EA i was angry with myself because i blamed myself, so we actually had a great sex life for a while, i told him he wasnt allowed to make any moves or touch me and i did everything. we did it almost every day for 6 months......

....i was in denial

since bub 4 was born i had lots pain so didnt want to then i started to think hey hang on this wasnt my fault.
since then about 1 year we have maybe done it 6 times and not for past 3 months.

it is hard to get passed it, it is hard not to think of how they've hurt you but i told my hubby that we need a clean slate a fresh start.

so we are going back to dating this week, our first date is friday night.
good luck to you


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seems to me that having sex is one small piece of evidence that you're in reconciliation. And not having it is pretty good evidence that you're faking it, or in false reconciliation.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Seems to me that having sex is one small piece of evidence that you're in reconciliation. And not having it is pretty good evidence that you're faking it, or in false reconciliation.


Thanks for that! It is so fake my reconciliation and respect to the father of my child that I have never once raised my voice to him, insulted him or abused him - not once. In a year we have been separated I never once used my child or denied him the chance of seeing him no matter how I felt or how irresponsible he was. 

If you want to think I am in false R I do not care, I am just trying to get help with something I cannot handle. No one knows the pain that you suffer when you are cheated on (every situation is different and everyone is different) and worse when they leave your home (and apparently party on without the AP as well) just when your 2 year old needs you the most due to treatment for development disorders. 

I am not in false R, I am just being honest with myself, I had given this man all I had and more - in and out of bed, never denied anything to him - in or out of bed and always supported him no matter what that meant to me or our son. Did I make mistakes in our marriage? Yes of course I did and accepted them - I even went alone to therapy before I had any evidence. 

I cannot say I do not have pain or I am not angry - I mean just read what I wrote, but when you spend a year being the bigger man with your cheating partner, getting ready for D, going to court for child support and D, plus have to realize that besides being cheated on, his family abandoned your son (their only grandson and nephew), it kind of makes it hard to forget. From reading this you would think I spend my time arguing with him and the truth is I do not - I have no interest, energy or time for that. I am just trying to cope as much as I can.


----------



## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

First things first. Comparing yourself to the OM/OW is a useless task. They are forbidden fruit, you will never be that, so there is no point in wasting energy on that activity. 

Secondly, were you two virgins when you got married? If the answer is no, then you both had sexual partner prior to meeting each other and getting married. I doubt you are bothered by the idea of the people that came before you.

Next, the intrusive thoughts. The absolute best thing you can do is simply acknowledge them as they happen, every single time they happen. Figure out what makes you feel better and have you spouse do that for you (stop the sex, hug you, pet you, tell you how much you mean, and how much you are loved)

Find ways to be intimate that dont involve sex and build up from there. Also, seeing a counselor that specializes in infidelity and sex may help a great deal.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Thanks for that! It is so fake my reconciliation and respect to the father of my child that I have never once raised my voice to him, insulted him or abused him - not once. In a year we have been separated I never once used my child or denied him the chance of seeing him no matter how I felt or how irresponsible he was.
> 
> If you want to think I am in false R I do not care, I am just trying to get help with something I cannot handle. No one knows the pain that you suffer when you are cheated on (every situation is different and everyone is different) and worse when they leave your home (and apparently party on without the AP as well) just when your 2 year old needs you the most due to treatment for development disorders.
> 
> ...


I think you just proved my point. You want reconciliation but maybe you just aren't ready yet. Whatever you do, don't let yourself fall into the trap of rug sweeping. This business about never raising your voice is not good or healthy. He cheated. You need to raise your voice some. Get it all out there in the air. Holding back might be why it's feeling difficult to be intimate.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Paladin said:


> First things first. Comparing yourself to the OM/OW is a useless task. They are forbidden fruit, you will never be that, so there is no point in wasting energy on that activity.
> 
> Secondly, were you two virgins when you got married? If the answer is no, then you both had sexual partner prior to meeting each other and getting married. I doubt you are bothered by the idea of the people that came before you.
> 
> ...


You are right we were no virgins, but I keep wondering what the heck they did and what was so damn great that he risked so much? Awful thing to do I know! I loved having sex with him, it was always amazing and I felt the world with him. We both had before stories but we had told each other that we had been our best (and I truly believed it cause he was my top of the moon), but after this mental pictures just flood my head.

We are in MC and I am in IC (his IC has been on hold since his therapist went MIA during the holidays), she does work with couples on infidelity issues and is part of a team of specialists that manage couples retreats. I just want to know how to get the stupid mental pictures out of my head or how to better manage these.

I will definitely talk to him about it and see how we can handle them when they come, like you mention. For now I just start thinking of another thing or I do something else in bed when they come up. I do agree with you on the whole connecting on another way besides sex and work from there, thanks.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think you just proved my point. You want reconciliation but maybe you just aren't ready yet. Whatever you do, don't let yourself fall into the trap of rug sweeping. This business about never raising your voice is not good or healthy. He cheated. You need to raise your voice some. Get it all out there in the air. Holding back might be why it's feeling difficult to be intimate.


Thanks! Does it do anything to yell and scream about something that happened and you cannot do anything about it anymore? This is a real question not being sarcastic.

Maybe you are right about some of the things you said. We started R just when they were about to grant me my D and all our custody and child support issues had been seen in court. I was pretty much ready and set to move on, but the day our D was being seen in court he asked the judge and my lawyer for a 45-day chance and the judge was in love or something that day because she took it as a good thing and decided to postpone. From that day on he decided to be a better dad (not that he was an awful one, just not what me and my son needed), started calling to check how I was doing (instead of just asking about his son, weird I know), I got sick and he came to care for his son while I rested-out of the blue and he knew I had dinner dates with my son on Fridays and he would show up (small town) or call and see where we were.

I don't think I am rug swiping. I may not scream or disrespect him but I do speak my mind, I read a lot, I go to IC and MC and I try to talk to him - that has been affected as well. I can talk to him about small stuff or anything but when it comes to talk about us (which he pushes us to do) I just close up. What I try to do is write my thoughts so at least I can communicate with him for now that way or so it helps me start the process. 
So R for me is kind of hard, I guess it should not surprise me that sex would be also, I just thought that since I liked it so much I would jump at it like nothing ever happened.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Hmmm. It was tough. The mind movies would just kill me and make me unable to perform. It was a lot " everywhere I'm going , he has been".


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> Does it do anything to yell and scream about something that happened and you cannot do anything about it anymore? .


Damn right it does.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Hmmm. It was tough. The mind movies would just kill me and make me unable to perform. It was a lot " everywhere I'm going , he has been".


Did you knew about ALL the dirty details of their affair? Even the sexual ones?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> Did you knew about ALL the dirty details of their affair? Even the sexual ones?


Yahoo chat archive keeps logs even if it's turned off. That and I found a program that let me see everything on her blackberry. So I knew enough.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Did you know what they did in bed etc? Did she share this with you, did you want to know? Does it help or just causes more pain?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> Did you know what they did in bed etc? Did she share this with you, did you want to know? Does it help or just causes more pain?


No she didn't share it. He sent her a very detailed message. I could have done without the sexual details. There was very little I had to ask about. I found pages on the pc. The video he sent of him masturbating ( what little I saw, wasn't going to watch the whole thing) was disturbing.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> No she didn't share it. He sent her a very detailed message. I could have done without the sexual details. There was very little I had to ask about. I found pages on the pc. The video he sent of him masturbating ( what little I saw, wasn't going to watch the whole thing) was disturbing.


I am soooo sorry! Sorry I asked. as well. Hope I did not hit a nerve!


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> I am soooo sorry! Sorry I asked. as well. Hope I did not hit a nerve!


It's ok. Sorry to go off topic. 
I did not take it well. (understatement) I went caused even more damage by having a revenge EA. We are working through it.


----------



## Cormier (Jan 17, 2013)

Originally Posted by Grey Goose 
Did you know what they did in bed etc? Did she share this with you, did you want to know? Does it help or just causes more pain? 

My situations is very complicated and different. I cheated on my wife Nov 2012 (2 time thing with someone i didnt know) no contact right after. This lead to a immediate disconnect with her from me. A month later she reached out to an ex coworker of mine and just started off as friends talking about situation and whats going on. fast forward to Xmas we had a fight while i was still in house and i left to go to parents. OM stayed from dec.27-Jan4 when i kicked him out. I found out next day what was going on between them was more than friends. Now while i caused all these problems i was one to have to know every detail so ya, I made her tell me. The night it happened how it happened and everything they did in the bed room from sex to foreplay to swallowing or not. How many times ect. I got all the details because i thought i needed to know. I stayed the next week with her then left to go to parents for weekend with my daughter because she went out with him that Friday and he stayed with her and again i got all the details. to be honest with you i would take it back and not ask, because know i have mental pictures of it, but i also am competitive and want to be the best (her words i always have been and will be). I caused this issue for myself and made her need validation and she was in a fog, might still be right now, but im helping out and trying to prove myself to her about how much a care and my love for her. I've been in for IC 4 sessions now and go weekly. Waiting for the day we can go to MC. With time I think we can get to start the R process and give our marriage the shot it really deserves. Best of luck to you.


----------



## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

To help you in reconciliation:

Am putting these thoughts

Going beyond the Fear of Betrayal:
1.Trust should be the first thing to come in a relationship and last thing to go and should actually never ever finish.
2.When we say we cannot trust someone again,we actually fear the hurt they will create if they do something which we did not expect.We do not fear trusting them,we fear our getiing hurt.
3.They have done something which is not right for us,but the hurt we create is totally our responsibillity and we have a choice how much and for how long to remian hurt.
4.Everytime we create hurt,we are getiing eaker and then we create hurt even in simpler situations ,because getting hurt is becoming our 'chracter-like,habbit-like,karma-like',and then trusting people become difficult.
5.When we start healing ourselves ,we do not fear getting hurt ,and then we are able to trust people because even if they do things differently we will be able to take care of ourselves.
6.When we doubt people around us in society or at work place then doubt become our 'character,our acquired behaviour,our karma' and then it become difficult to trust family and friends too.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Thanks for that! It is so fake my reconciliation and respect to the father of my child that I have never once raised my voice to him, insulted him or abused him - not once. In a year we have been separated I never once used my child or denied him the chance of seeing him no matter how I felt or how irresponsible he was.
> 
> If you want to think I am in false R I do not care, I am just trying to get help with something I cannot handle. No one knows the pain that you suffer when you are cheated on (every situation is different and everyone is different) and worse when they leave your home (and apparently party on without the AP as well) just when your 2 year old needs you the most due to treatment for development disorders.
> 
> ...


Easy does it GG. We know R is a rough row to hoe. No worries. Mind movies are a known part of R especially after a PA. 

I dont think Working was trying to insult you. I think he's saying you have to plug in and work thru it even though it hurts.

Here's my suggestion: You set out to TAKE BACK WHAT SHE STOLE from you. He is yours. His mind, heart and yes his body is yours. Reclaim it. Set about reading some and finding some new and interesting ways to have sex/make love. Make an impression on him. 

My H as you know had an EA. Not the same as a PA, no doubt but it definately gave me trouble in this department early on. Had a major trigger bc of a song dead in the middle of sex once. It was awful. So I now refuse to have the radio on during sex- he has no idea why. Here's the thing- the next time I set out to rock his world. Give him something to think about. GG he came back to you. IF she was all that- he'd have stayed with her!!! 

Do something new and exciting in the sex/romance dept. Something to reclaim him.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Thanks! Does it do anything to yell and scream about something that happened and you cannot do anything about it anymore? This is a real question not being sarcastic.
> 
> Maybe you are right about some of the things you said. We started R just when they were about to grant me my D and all our custody and child support issues had been seen in court. I was pretty much ready and set to move on, but the day our D was being seen in court he asked the judge and my lawyer for a 45-day chance and the judge was in love or something that day because she took it as a good thing and decided to postpone. From that day on he decided to be a better dad (not that he was an awful one, just not what me and my son needed), started calling to check how I was doing (instead of just asking about his son, weird I know), I got sick and he came to care for his son while I rested-out of the blue and he knew I had dinner dates with my son on Fridays and he would show up (small town) or call and see where we were.
> 
> ...


Hope's signature has a link for CWI newbies:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

There is some really REALLY good information in there. Have you taken a look at it yet? I think it would be helpful for you to read the parts about remorse vs. guilt and rugsweeping.

I don't think you are rug sweeping. But I think your husband might be. 

Although:



Grey Goose said:


> I just thought that since I liked it so much I would jump at it like nothing ever happened.


Although this is a pretty classic rug sweeping line.

Look, it is great that he's changing his behavior. But it's not enough. He can't simply change his behavior and move on back to the good times. He needs to help you get through all of your issues and emotions from his betrayal. Your reservations about sex are a symptom that you haven't worked through everything. Yes, I think there is value in getting good and angry. And there is value in your husband demonstrating true remorse by helping you through your anger. Not getting defensive, not avoiding it, but acknowledging it and working through it.

Aside from changing his behaviors as a father for the better, what has he done to show you that he's remorseful? Has he been completely transparent? Provided you with all of his passwords? Sent a no-contact letter to the other woman? Has he figured out why he cheated (without blaming you or the marriage) and shared what he learned about himself with you?

Again, read the link carefully. I meant no offense. I just think that more often than not, betrayed spouses like yourself who are having trouble reconnecting sexually are suffering a symptom of a reconciliation that is not quite on track.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hope's signature has a link for CWI newbies:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
> 
> ...


This is not to say it cant/wont get on track. NOT at all. Its possible your H just plain and simply doesnt know what to do. He is likely as confused as you are. REad what Working linked and talk with your H about it. There is indeed a difference in guilt and remorse. Guilt is primarily about him. Remorse is about you.

Plug in here GG. This is your shot. R is the hardest thing you'll ever do likely. ITs not for the weak. It takes time and effort and its a marathon not a sprint. R is not linear. There are lots of mis steps along the way usually. So long as you see true remorse keep pushing. Keep in mind- he truly may not know what to do. He may need your help too.

Keep in mind our R started in Early March with NC starting in May and its still a struggle and thats with us working at it EVERY day. This isnt a quick fix.

And as much as you may not want to hear this you may need to: A man will have a hard time reconnecting with his wife w/o sex.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Look, it is great that he's changing his behavior. But it's not enough. He can't simply change his behavior and move on back to the good times. He needs to help you get through all of your issues and emotions from his betrayal. Your reservations about sex are a symptom that you haven't worked through everything. Yes, I think there is value in getting good and angry. And there is value in your husband demonstrating true remorse by helping you through your anger. Not getting defensive, not avoiding it, but acknowledging it and working through it.
> 
> Aside from changing his behaviors as a father for the better, what has he done to show you that he's remorseful? Has he been completely transparent? Provided you with all of his passwords? Sent a no-contact letter to the other woman? Has he figured out why he cheated (without blaming you or the marriage) and shared what he learned about himself with you?
> 
> Again, read the link carefully. I meant no offense. I just think that more often than not, betrayed spouses like yourself who are having trouble reconnecting sexually are suffering a symptom of a reconciliation that is not quite on track.


Don't worry I am not insulted or angry at all! It takes so much to get me there now!:rofl: 

Anyway, I meant I would jump in as quickly as I could to conquer fears, bc I liked it so much before and bc I wanted to reclaim what was mine. But I don't get any of that. Yeah sometimes I may get the itch and have sex but at some point my mind starts to wonder and I go into the movie thing. He does not pressure me or anything like that, he seem pretty scared at times of what to do so CTU may be right in track as well. He does try the whole sexual comments and trying to make me feel sexy again (I know I look pretty good but my self esteem was very distraught with this, but more if it had to do with him – just thought he may not find me quite sexy as before. She is the complete opposite of me: short, skinny as&, short hair, not fashionable at all and just pretty plain looking to me and others that have seen her.)

We know why it happened, granted I still do not see it as a strong enough reason (I would have done it too then). Yes I made my mistakes in the marriage, got caught up in work and my son but I did see the mistakes in time and offered to go to therapy, which I ended up doing alone while he had his thing with cochofle. 

He seems pretty remorse and does anything I need or ask for. He has become a better dad, wants to speak all the time (he never did before), we identified his history issues that got him where he is, we identified mine, we are on MC, I have read so much in here (including that), plus books recommended and have IC plus a life coach. Jesus just typing this gets me tired, I have been on a long path!

He left his old job since April, I have access to everything and anything (although I always feel like he can delete anything – paranoia is a bi&^h ha!

I guess and know there are unresolved issues I need to disregard or deal with, but these are really out of my control. Like his family, but he does not put me in a situation where I have to deal with them but I know it will come. 
Any other ideas? ;-)


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I kicked my husband out on D day, because I wanted nothing to do with him. Didn't see him for about 3 months. When I did, the pheromones struck me and I wanted to jump him right then and there in the MC office. He was the one that held off.
> 
> Hysterical bonding is what it was, and it was a new beginning for our sex life.
> 
> Dealing with triggers head on works for me. He got a bj from a hooker, so after almost 2 years I felt ready to tackle that one and just told him I was going to give him one and keep giving them to him whenever he wanted. Now the mind movies about that are gone.


I have not been able to tackle that move yet as this is the image I have stuck in my head. It's been a year and a half. 

We had the HB, but he was still lying so that went out the window. Sex will never be the same for me again. EVER. I know he was with a girl 13 years younger than me. He ruined me. Sex seems cheap and with no meaning. Humiliating if anything.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I have not been able to tackle that move yet as this is the image I have stuck in my head. It's been a year and a half.
> 
> We had the HB, but he was still lying so that went out the window. Sex will never be the same for me again. EVER. I know he was with a girl 13 years younger than me. He ruined me. Sex seems cheap and with no meaning. Humiliating if anything.


I bet you have more to offer than the 13 year younger woman! guys help me out with Hurtingbadly! All of you that have way more experience say something!:smthumbup:


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I have not been able to tackle that move yet as this is the image I have stuck in my head. It's been a year and a half.
> 
> We had the HB, but he was still lying so that went out the window. Sex will never be the same for me again. EVER. I know he was with a girl 13 years younger than me. He ruined me. Sex seems cheap and with no meaning. Humiliating if anything.


I know this is going to sound draconic, however...why on God's earth have you continued to put up with his antics? You've had what? 3 Ddays and he continues to show zero remorse?! 

No wonder you're having difficulty. I mean, when someone says they don't want to "argue" about things and to save it for MC...well, that just flies in the face of willing reconciliation on his end.

I will say one thing and take it as you will, but he didn't ruin you. He ruined you for him, but you have a choice to move on and not be in that dark place. I know you've been married a long time...heck, Regret and I are in our 14th year since we met and 13 years married. It's been daunting, however look up her threads...Regret214. I don't wanna put her on high, however look at her and other waywards here who have and show remorse.

You don't deserve to be treated that way.


----------



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

when my hubby and i first went to see a specialist about our marriage after he told me of his EA the lady said there was something wrong with me because i wasnt yelling or screaming at him ?

since then i have raised my voice a him, not real yelling but getting pretty angry also writing down how i felt and giving him a letter ... all 9 pages !, has helped also.

it is not easy and as you said he will never understand and unless you have been in your situation it is easy to look in and say you need to do this or that.

when youre in it , its hard !

but you can move forward and we have made a step ... little steps i think is the key.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hope's signature has a link for CWI newbies:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
> 
> ...


You were sooooooo right about something not being resolved and that is why I could not enjoy. Last night was coming out mike night for my H, details and information I wanted long time ago about the A. Will provide an update later but it was pretty detailed and informative. Plus, he only did answer bc I tricked him. Thanks Workingonme!


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You can't beat the OW/OM.

The mind is thrilled for excitement and novelty because dopamine loves it. We are all addicted to it. That is why our spouses will almost never feel the way an OW/OM will. 

I assume it would help to face them head on as Hope recommended. Remember that you decided to reconcile and that every day and most especially before every time you make love you say to yourself that you love him/her and you forgive him/her. Trickle truth only worsens the recovery but the whole truth is worth it.

No matter what wrong he did it is in the past and you forgive him every day for it. He/she prefers to be in your forgiveness and surrounded by your love because they have realized that it is better than to be high on dopamine and constantly seeking new thrills without any real love, just shells of excitement with depression inside, a "real" fantasy.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You can't beat the OW/OM.
> 
> The mind is thrilled for excitement and novelty because dopamine loves it. We are all addicted to it. That is why our spouses will almost never feel the way an OW/OM will.
> 
> ...



Good luck GG.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm going to disagree a bit CJS...but just on one point.

Regret has fully admitted that the excitement of the affair alone made the sex good, even though it was bland (her words).

However, we have made good headway into creating our own dopamine highs. Ever have sex in a park where someone could catch you? Ever "meet" each other at a bar and pretend you just met? There are countless things we can do for our sex lives that can create thrilling experiences. We're trying new things all the time. And it's pretty fun


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

OK so here's how open mike for H went yesterday after tricking him... His EA/PA was with a co-worker/friend that was somewhat close to the family (she's in my wedding album - guess where that is now!)

H confirmed he had made future plans of leaving us and being with her, that it would all be alright cause no one would know and they will then come out as a new thing and my son would even be with them. 

He also confirmed that he told her she was the best sex he had ever had, they sexted and sent naked pics all the time while I was caring for our baby, they did it at least twice a week in a motel near their office, but yet he could not have lunch ever with me. I was working close to 70 hours a week plus caring for our son. He spent money on gifts for her (VS, $400 Raymond Weil watch, plus other jewelry) and I got sh&t last year for Xmas. No wait - I got Dday how could I have forgotten! Best gift EVER! 

They kept seeing each other after he left our house (December 21, 2011) and they even went out with cousins of her and alone as well. And she contacted him this past December 21 (I knew it would happen cause that is when he left our home, she would remember) to say hi and ask how he was and of course to tell him she missed and needed him.

And you ask how did I get all of this? Easy made a whole drama that I had contacted la cochofe and she had provided information that he should better start talking (like I would ever contact her so she could throw all of this in my face!)

And then all night with his crocodile tears, today the calls texts the begging, the not letting me work, the you are the love of my life she meant nothing and she is just a h&^r. Sure a h&^r you were about to leave us for! And please let us not forget his mother demanding him to see her grandson when she abandoned him for a whole year last year. So the drama never ends!

Today he sent her a no contact email saying I was the love of his life, that nothing she ever did would get him away from me and our son, that the love he feels for me is the best and strongest feeling he could ever experience and that she was the worse mistake he had ever done and he is ashamed, disgusted and regrets ever being with her. Not to contact him or any member of his family again.

So if I was wondering how to goback to having sex, I guess I know how that is not going to work. But hey, I have lost 2.5 pounds since yesterday, have to say no tears yet and no yelling either. Weird ha?

Like CTU would say... Infidelity = the gift that just keeps on giving!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> OK so here's how open mike for H went yesterday after tricking him... His EA/PA was with a co-worker/friend that was somewhat close to the family (she's in my wedding album - guess where that is now!)
> 
> H confirmed he had made future plans of leaving us and being with her, that it would all be alright cause no one would know and they will then come out as a new thing and my son would even be with them.
> 
> ...


So what now? Let me caution you against any sudden moves. Let it sink in. Really GG nothing here thats not common place for an A. Nothing you couldnt have guessed and in your imagination wasnt worse. Right? 

So the biggest problem I see right now is that he didnt give this info willingly but rather was coerced. Thats the rub isnt it? If he'd just copped to it all then you wouldnt be so damned mad. But no.They never do bc they are cowards. This you already knew. Right? 

So Whats next in your mind? What have you done to be sure the A has ended? On your own, your own verification? Not his words but your knowledge. 

Again, a word of caution- let this sit IMO. Let it sink in. Do nothing based on this just yet. The biggest problem is that this is indeed TT. And TT is killer. Thats what he needs to get thru his thick skull. To stop protecting #1(himself) and start giving the whold story. All of it. Sounds like you made some headway.

So, how did you react to this in front of him?


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So what now? Let me caution you against any sudden moves. Let it sink in. Really GG nothing here thats not common place for an A. Nothing you couldnt have guessed and in your imagination wasnt worse. Right?
> 
> So the biggest problem I see right now is that he didnt give this info willingly but rather was coerced. Thats the rub isnt it? If he'd just copped to it all then you wouldnt be so damned mad. But no.They never do bc they are cowards. This you already knew. Right?
> 
> ...


I pretty much just sat and listened. 

I have no way of knowing for sure it is over, except for gut feeling and his actions. The TT is a b&^ch and yes I may have known all of this but I did believed him when he said it was nothing and not that wonderful. So many things in my head! Great gifts and expenses while I was paying most of the house expenses and my son's treatment (that alone was almost $1,000 monthly). I feel disgusted and idiotic - I feel I deserve more than this... so much more!


----------



## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

I am very happy for you, now that you have broken the silence code.

At the same time, I am sorry that the content of your new knowledge is as painful as it must be for you.

For the next day or two, stay cool. Don't do anything that might discourage the on-flow of TT, lest you then receive the stonewalling that he may give you "now that you know everything."

Keep your options open, don't commit to anyone course of action, and try to verify what you were told, as that may give you leads to additional information.

I'm afraid that 2 1/2 pounds is just the beginning. Make sure to force yourself to eat and hydrate, and work on getting some continuous sleep. Be prepared for a round of new mind movies.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

2asdf2 there is no stonewalling or silence code. He won't leave me alone now and I cannot be with him. I am disgusted, angry, humiliated and insulted. So much thrown away for nothing. I have not decided on anything, I just want and need to breathe alone. My chest hurts, my heart is running a marathon and he will not leave me alone.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> 2asdf2 there is no stonewalling or silence code. He won't leave me alone now and I cannot be with him. I am disgusted, angry, humiliated and insulted. So much thrown away for nothing. I have not decided on anything, I just want and need to breathe alone. My chest hurts, my heart is running a marathon and he will not leave me alone.


Go somewhere then. A long drive with loud music does wonders.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Go somewhere then. A long drive with loud music does wonders.


Have to work, but I am trying to use my lunch hour to hit the hell out of my 100 pound punching bag (which is what she weights) and go for a long run.

I could use the advice of you guys here and if there is any WS that could explain the despair he has now after all of this, please feel free.


----------



## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> 2asdf2 there is no stonewalling or silence code. He won't leave me alone now and I cannot be with him. I am disgusted, angry, humiliated and insulted. So much thrown away for nothing. I have not decided on anything, I just want and need to breathe alone. My chest hurts, my heart is running a marathon and he will not leave me alone.


Feeling disgusted, angry, and insulted are the common reactions to the news you received. I vented to my WW and let out all the rage during a long walk along the beach, until I was exhausted, and my voice gave out.

I recommend you do not do what I did.

You should not feel humiliated. What he did is no reflection on you. I did not understand that until my adult children became aware of the situation, and they, both, expressed their disappointment with their mother, and their support for me.

I am not telling you to expose, but from exposure comes vindication.

edit: I now see exposure has already taken place.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Additional explanations on how he shut down the AP:

He says it was all a huge mistake lured by the adventure and fueled by her calling him and seeking him for about 4 or 5 months before (she would call him every day as soon as she got out of her house and left her H and baby who was only 2 months older than mine - we were pregnant together). This I know is true bc she would call and he would still be home and I would answer the call. At that point he would insist they were just friends and had been for many years. I did not like this and told him many times.

He says that once I found out in December of 2011 (the PA was from September 2011 to maybe January 2012 but they probably started their EA in August) they were together physically only a couple of times after Dday and went out only a few times before he started feeling uncomfortable and then he "ended it" and they just talked (sure) bc he felt bad for her and they worked together. She would tell him she had no one and was all alone bc she had told her H and her family and no one spoke to her. Sure! This woman really thought she would end up with him.

This past December 2012 she called him on the 21st to say hi and see how he was doing and tell him how much she missed him and needed him (anniversary of the day he left his family on 2011). He says he cut off the call and hung up, but never told me.

He says in the last year when he realized it all he needed to get out of his job and left in April. That after February he already "felt" nothing for her and once he was out of the job he was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with her.

During all this time he had already tried to come back twice, but he would not put all the effort needed and it would not work out. We did not live together. we went to a retreat during the end of April and he cried and begged and when we were back he wanted to come back to the house, I believe him and let him - it lasted 2 weeks bc I found new texts and kicked him out for good (Mother's day weekend). At that point total weight loss was about 15, after that like 15 more pounds out for not eating and working with my son and 70 hour consulting job.

Afterwards less contact than ever (I barely talked to him or anything during our separation, I even used family or friends for the kid ex-changing time). At that point O decided I would change my life and was contemplating a job in Chicago. He found out and started going nuts of us leaving. I continued my plans and just forgot about him. We had court hearings for our son and started the D process. Then I also started seeing how he was partying and it pushed me even more to just move on, plus his family had abandoned my son and would only see him when he had him sometimes.

Then he started changing (he says he had started IC) around September calling and sort of caring for us (I thought it was all for my baby) and our hearing was in late Sept or Oct and he asked the judge and my lawyer for a 45-day break. He started spending time with us and begging for a second chance and I had decided on possible R around late November. He had his IC and our MC. His family still do not talk to me and is all drama and then this.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Having a tough day so if anyone has anything to say today that would be great. Sex is just not easy, i feel like plan b bc of all that has happened during this time. He is doing a lot, i just cannot control my mind at times no matter how much I swim or run, bc once that is over the mind games start.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

here is something great- THIS is as bad as it gets GG! It gets better from here. Its slow and its painful but it does get better. 

Can I ask- and feel free to PM the answer or just ignore- does he know and acknowledge the difficulty you are having? If so what is his response to that? Is it SO much that you are unable to continue with him sexually? Does it interfere there or are you able to push thru? Ive been where you are to an extent. NOt with a PA but with my mind racing during sex bc of his A. NOt good. I managed to hold it away from him most times. Im wondering if your H knows you are triggering?


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> here is something great- THIS is as bad as it gets GG! It gets better from here. Its slow and its painful but it does get better.
> 
> Can I ask- and feel free to PM the answer or just ignore- does he know and acknowledge the difficulty you are having? If so what is his response to that? Is it SO much that you are unable to continue with him sexually? Does it interfere there or are you able to push thru? Ive been where you are to an extent. NOt with a PA but with my mind racing during sex bc of his A. NOt good. I managed to hold it away from him most times. Im wondering if your H knows you are triggering?


I have to admit he knows and he tries to deal with it as much as he can (we all know that only we can stop it at times). We had a sort of breaking day and good day yesterday (plus the whole week and on Friday he just got tired of questons-perfectly natural). We had to go to the ER for my son bc he had an allergic reaction to an insect bite and afterwards it just exploded bc i was open enough to tell him that it made me feel very jealous that my son fell asleep in his arms (I know, it is stupid) but the thought that came to my mind was where were you last year, how come he is sleeping with you and not me when I have never failed him and then it just started the emotional roller coaster from there. He urged me to talk to him, he held me, he cried with me he asked for forgiveness over and over and I see him trying so hard and getting back to who he was with us, but I just cannot stop feeling ugly, stupid, plan b, in mourning and abandoned. The horrible thing is I have developed a fat complex and all of my friends tell me I am nuts (well you should see who he cheated on me with - she must weight like 100 pounds wet). I know I am not any of that but my self esteem is just dead and having to work so hard to keep all of this inside just kills me at times. Of course I had to be the bigger person and handle hanging out with his mother and my son on Saturday (and him), and it wasn't horrible but it was not heaven.

It is all just stupid right?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

GG- First let me tell you that everything youre feeling is normal. We have all been there. Sometimes still are. Feeling like plan b is something I still struggle with. 

As far as being upset bc your son fell asleep on him- while I understand it- I think its something you have to look at as a blessing. Your son is happy to have his daddy back. Its no slight to you. He still loves you. He just missed him. Its a normal human response to feel jealous bc youve put so much work into your son but try to be happy for your child. He has his daddy. If you continue these outburst you will drive a wedge between them. Thats unfair to your child and I know you dont want that.

About him getting tired of the conversation- too bad. Really. Too bad. I'll bet he would like some relief wouldnt he? Perhaps he shouldnt have TT'd for an entire freakin' year! Once you feel like you have ALL the answers you wont feel the NEED to talk about it so much. Promise.

When I asked if he knew you were triggering I meant during sex. Does he know that sex is a big ass trigger? Are you able to push thru them or are you addressing this issue with him?

As far as his mother- girl this is HIS problem. Truly. Expecting you to go paint on a flipping smile is bullsh*t. Unless and until he addresses his mothers attitude toward you- no dice. This is part of his heavy lifting. He made this mess- let him clean it up.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Yes he knows of the sex triggers - I thought he did not but I told him yesterday what went on in my mind when we did it and he said he understood and imagined it. He now wants to talk about anything I feel at any time and be informed. I know what you are saying about him and our son and you are VERY right. I explained it to him calmly, did not make a fuss just wanted him to know and I told him I knew it was ridiculous. I am happy that he has his dady again and you should see him how happy he is when we are both together with him - he seeks us and holds our hands together. 

There were times before I was able to push back on the sex triggers, now it is worse cause I confirmed everything I knew and when we do something that I thought was only ours I feel and wonder if he did it with her and start somparing myself - yes I know I should not but it just starts casue I know a lot and I know how it started. 

In bed I always felt so safe and so special with him and now I feel like a second choice, like I was not good enough. At times I think I have to push and do the whole Kama Suttra book so I am hios top performer again, but I cannot. I do not have the emotional energy for this bc I know why I am doing it and it is not to have fun it is to show something. Six months without crying and I am crying again, feeling like trash. This is R? Going back to pain? It is hard CTU, I don't know how you do it!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Yes he knows of the sex triggers - I thought he did not but I told him yesterday what went on in my mind when we did it and he said he understood and imagined it. He now wants to talk about anything I feel at any time and be informed. I know what you are saying about him and our son and you are VERY right. I explained it to him calmly, did not make a fuss just wanted him to know and I told him I knew it was ridiculous. I am happy that he has his dady againg and you should see him how happy he is when we are both together with him - he seeks us and holds our hands together.
> 
> There were times before I was able to push back on the sex triggers, now it is worse cause I confirmed everything I knew and when we do something that I thought was only ours I feel and wonder if he did it with her and start somparing myself - yes I know I should not but it just starts casue I know a lot and I know how it started.
> The only thing I can offer here GG is that he left her for YOU. If she were all that- he'd still be there. He isnt. I know its hard to think in that way but those are the facts. He had a choice to stay with her did he not? I know this sounds horrible but youre gonna have to tackle those forbidden things. Take back the things that she stole from you. Not today- but soon.
> In bed I always felt so safe and so special with him and now I feel like a second choice, like I was not good enough. At times I think I have to push and do the whole Kama Suttra book so I am hios top performer again, but I cannot. I do not have the emotional energy for this bc I know why I am doing it and it is not to have fun it is to show something. Six months without crying and I am crying again, feeling like trash. This is R? Going back to pain? It is hard CTU, I don't know how you do it!


Yep, this is R. As you've heard it said- its not for the weak. Its not all rainbows and puppy dogs. Its hard work with purpose. Its rebuilding what you lost. Its working thru the misery. Talking thru the pain. And yes sometimes fighting thru it. How does he respond when you trigger during sex? [/COLOr


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I have not read all of the post out there so I am going to just jump in. I am sure it is different from a BW and a BH status. This is very caveman thinking but us guys are territorial.

At first I was all about marking my territory. She is mine. Sex was long and very physical. After it awhile it turned more to lovemaking. They I go through cycles where I do not want her and then I am back to this is mine. 

It has been a year since we started our true R we had about 6 months of false R


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Yep, this is R. As you've heard it said- its not for the weak. Its not all rainbows and puppy dogs. Its hard work with purpose. Its rebuilding what you lost. Its working thru the misery. Talking thru the pain. And yes sometimes fighting thru it. How does he respond when you trigger during sex? [/COLOr




I don't change anything, I try to push it out so if he notices is bc he knows me, not bc I say or do something. I just ask him to talk to me through sex so my mind does not go nuts. Openly we had talked about the sex triggers until now, bc I was sort of numb and confused - like you knew- about feelings and R. If i don't see him going nuts and over the roof I just think he had it so much better, and that is just not helpful and I know it. I am trying to work on breathing excercises to cope. I just know that 4 months ago I was ready to have a life as a single mom and did not think about this so much and now I am a mess again.

Today his mom thinks all is peachy and dandy and has been texting me asking about my son - I told him they would not deal with what happened and they would just think that time would pass and I would be the bigger person like I have always been.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I don't change anything, I try to push it out so if he notices is bc he knows me, not bc I say or do something. I just ask him to talk to me through sex so my mind does not go nuts. Openly we had talked about the sex triggers until now, bc I was sort of numb and confused - like you knew- about feelings and R. If i don't see him going nuts and over the roof I just think he had it so much better, and that is just not helpful and I know it. I am trying to work on breathing excercises to cope. I just know that 4 months ago I was ready to have a life as a single mom and did not think about this so much and now I am a mess again.
> 
> Today his mom thinks all is peachy and dandy and has been texting me asking about my son - I told him they would not deal with what happened and they would just think that time would pass and I would be the bigger person like I have always been.


Ahhh, the vascillation between R and D. Been there. I have to say he drove me there. In the beginning I never considered it but then.... It took him soooo long to come out of the fog that it wore me to a frazzle. Then even when he did I still think he is dead in a mid life crisis so I get what youre saying about not being sure. 

Here's the thing- You cant be half in, half out of R. GG- I get your pain. I so do. My H didnt sleep with her but man did he do some pretty lousy stuff to us. Stuff that cut me to the bone. I get it. But GG, once you decide to try and R you have to try and be all in. Thats not to say he gets a free pass- thats a bad idea. But it is to say you get to a point where you move away from limbo so much. You tell yourself " I am going to do this" and you move forward. NOW- Im not saying its just yet since he just gave TT last week. What I am saying is you sit and ask for more truth and you push to get "it all" so you can make that decision. So you can kow what exactly you are trying to forgive. Then you make a choice to do so or not. But based on what you've said- he hasnt told you anything you didnt know, right? 

Let me tell you something that I remember about that- I knew my H "loved" her or at least he thought he did.But absolutely NOTHING prepared me for hearing those words leave his lips. Nothing. When he said them I swear to you GG, I thought I was going to pass out. No exaggeration. I sat for another 20 secs or so and then went and threw up. Now he didnt say anything that wasnt incredibly obvious- but man oh man- hearing it out of his mouth was worse than being shot.

So I know what you feel when you heard him say those awful things. But try and keep perspective. NONE of it was real. It was all fantasy. And you already knew it all. The thing that hurt was hearing him SAY it. Thats what you have to deal with. You heard him say such a foul thing with his own mouth. You cant ever unhear that sh*t. But he didnt give any revolations. So its all about perspective here GG.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

mahike said:


> I have not read all of the post out there so I am going to just jump in. I am sure it is different from a BW and a BH status. This is very caveman thinking but us guys are territorial.
> 
> At first I was all about marking my territory. She is mine. Sex was long and very physical. After it awhile it turned more to lovemaking. They I go through cycles where I do not want her and then I am back to this is mine.
> 
> It has been a year since we started our true R we had about 6 months of false R


Thanks for the man explanation and you can post here without reading anytime, I am all for opening the communication channels!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Thanks for the man explanation and you can post here without reading anytime, I am all for opening the communication channels!


Thats the way to do it GG. The more POV's you get the better thought through you will be for any moves....


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ahhh, the vascillation between R and D. Been there. I have to say he drove me there. In the beginning I never considered it but then.... It took him soooo long to come out of the fog that it wore me to a frazzle. Then even when he did I still think he is dead in a mid life crisis so I get what youre saying about not being sure.
> 
> Here's the thing- You cant be half in, half out of R. GG- I get your pain. I so do. My H didnt sleep with her but man did he do some pretty lousy stuff to us. Stuff that cut me to the bone. I get it. But GG, once you decide to try and R you have to try and be all in. Thats not to say he gets a free pass- thats a bad idea. But it is to say you get to a point where you move away from limbo so much. You tell yourself " I am going to do this" and you move forward. NOW- Im not saying its just yet since he just gave TT last week. What I am saying is you sit and ask for more truth and you push to get "it all" so you can make that decision. So you can kow what exactly you are trying to forgive. Then you make a choice to do so or not. But based on what you've said- he hasnt told you anything you didnt know, right?
> 
> ...


Oh the puking.... yes been there done that many times. And yes you are right about it all but oh how it hurts!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Oh the puking.... yes been there done that many times. And yes you are right about it all but oh how it hurts!


I know. I really really know. When I say "even when Im happy, Im sad" I mean it. Its less than it used to be but still very much there.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Is it really worth all the stress? Perhaps a break and time to raise of your expectations and self esteem and move on. 

Even if he swears he’ll never do it again, will you ever be able to trust him in the future? Can you believe him when he says that he has to work late/travel out of town on business/stay out a little later with the guys? *Life is short… too short, in fact, to be constantly concerned with your partner’s fidelity. Cut your losses by cutting him loose.* 

Your child doesn't need to observe or see you like this. I know it hurts but sometimes you just have to call it quits. 

I have 3 kids, if I ever found out my wife cheated on me, I would not skip a beat kicking her out. Life is not worthed living in misery for 4-5just to get over it and start anew. 

I don't know how anyone can R after being cheated on.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Samus said:


> Is it really worth all the stress? Perhaps a break and time to raise of your expectations and self esteem and move on.
> 
> Even if he swears he’ll never do it again, will you ever be able to trust him in the future? Can you believe him when he says that he has to work late/travel out of town on business/stay out a little later with the guys? *Life is short… too short, in fact, to be constantly concerned with your partner’s fidelity. Cut your losses by cutting him loose.*
> 
> ...


 Wow thanks for that and of all days today! Yes, I know it sounds horrible and believe me I am still wondering about it. I never thought I would be here either and funny thing is you posted this and he texted that his new boss just pulled him into a meeting at 5:30 pm. :rofl:


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

And the other thing that bothers me is his family is ignoring you. That must make it twice as difficult for you. 

You are not even the person who did wrong here. I feel so sad for you, such disrespect. I know your husband is trying to make amends, but again, it is just not worth you stress, or you gettin g heart attack over this, just because you want to give him a 2nd shot. 

There are plenty of good men out there that would love you and only you, worship the ground you walk on and love your child as there own, not that his Dad wouldn't still be involved, because you sound like a good Mom who cares to have your kid's father involved. 

Either way, think long and hard if R is the road you want to take, in the end things might mend, but you might have a heart attack or stroke stressing over everything going forward. (Not worth it). You guys can still be friends or civil, but not lovers (for the sake of your baby)


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Samus said:


> And the other thing that bothers me is his family is ignoring you. That must make it twice as difficult for you.
> 
> You are not even the person who did wrong here. I feel so sad for you, such disrespect. I know your husband is trying to make amends, but again, it is just not worth you stress, or you gettin g heart attack over this, just because you want to give him a 2nd shot.
> 
> ...


Funny thing I was always civil and cordial with him during our separation. As my best friend has put it, I am not perfect but I did not deserve this and I have been the bigger person at all times - even more with his family! I have to admit his family's reaction does affect me a lot. I do not cry or react in front of my child - no matter what so at least I am strong enough to do that.

I have a lot to think about and I appreciate your input and hope you can still continue to provide your it even if you are not dealing with an infidelity!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

How ya doin today GG???


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> How ya doin today GG???


Hey preciosa!

I am better, I think. At least not so emotional, can eat and have been able to conecntrate again. The sex thing.... still working at it. Now I want it but yet have doubts about if our sex life is any special at all after the A, so now I am the arse who needs validation! 

It just eats you inside to wonder how you rank, even when it looks like you are killing him and he says over and over agian how he is in heaven, how special is what we have and do and how he adores me and can't live without being with me. Obviously I do not believe anything or whe else would he have traded his original sex life for the cochofle?


----------



## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Hmmm. It was tough. The mind movies would just kill me and make me unable to perform. It was a lot " everywhere I'm going , he has been".


I agree, the image of someone else's fluids squishing around within a partner would be hard for me to swallow. So to speak. The idea grosses me out totally. Even with intellectualizing the emotional part, bathing, and a blood test, the physical imagey would permeate for quite a while. 

The level of intimacy required for a partner to have an affair would also completely shatter any illusion I may have had that I was somehow special or important to her. 
It would be back to square one, or even worse.


----------



## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Hmmm. It was tough. The mind movies would just kill me and make me unable to perform. It was a lot " everywhere I'm going , he has been".


I agree, the image of someone else's fluids squishing around within a partner would be hard for me to swallow. So to speak. The idea grosses me out totally. Even with intellectualizing the emotional part, bathing, and a blood test, the physical imagey would permeate for quite a while. 

The level of intimacy required for a partner to have an affair would also completely shatter any illusion I may have had that I was somehow special or important to her. 
It would be back to square one, or even worse.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Vday is coming and I am feeling down and missing my old happy self, the one that used to decorate his car, send him an arrangement to his office and pay someone to serenate him over the phone. I wish I could feel like I used to 2 years ago.

Quick guys post stupid Valentine Day stories so I can get a few laughs!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. so I once had this guy I used to date and It was V-day. He sent me flowers and candy. Then after he got off work he came to my door and did a striptease- right there in the door way and had my astrological sign(scorpio) tattoo'd on his lower abdomen. VERY hot. Poor guy. Bet his wife LOVED it(when he got married. No he wasnt married at the time I was dating him. lol)


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I am a horrible materialist pig. After I have found out what type of gifts he gave her during their A, I am expecting nothing less than the moon tomorrow. Ha is this what rage creates?


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I bought hubs a card last night - was the first card I picked up. I looked at others, but none fit. This one has a big sparkly red question mark on the front. On the inside it says "For me, you have always been the answer." 'Tis true. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think he was "the one". Now, had I come across a card that had a big sparkly red question mark that said on the inside, "What the hell were you thinking, you dumba$$?", I might have chosen that one instead....but I am happy...no tears over Hallmark this year - majors strides!

And we are taking the girls to buy new bikes on Valentines....that will make me happy


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Since I also write on the side, I'm thinking about contacting Halmark and offering my services for a new line of greeting cards!

GG...it is totally understandable to feel that way. Even though Regret's xOM never bought her anything (hell - she even paid for the hotel and he never offered!), I still said I don't want to exchange gifts this year. Maybe next. Maybe not. Who knows. It's tough cuz tomorrow also happens to be her birthday. Quite a pickle.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I just need to know how to move on and get out the rage and running is just not doing it anymore. It used to so much bc I did not have to see him, now I do see him and he wants all the love in the world1 It just does not come out!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Now, had I come across a card that had a big sparkly red question mark that said on the inside, "What the hell were you thinking, you dumba$$?", I might have chosen that one instead....but I am happy...no tears over Hallmark this year - majors strides!


Now there's a great idea for a Vday card! Maybe I can do one later today! :rofl:


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

So I think I am giving up on sex for a while - at least with my WS! Every single time we have sex I feel worse bc it takes such a toll on me to keep my mind under control regarding the mental images of them and knowing what they did. I don't feel special at all and it just makes me feel depressed and missing my marriage even more. He works A LOT AT IT, I just don't feel it. 

These are the times I keep wondering if I really want to put myself through all of this when I was perfectly OK already almost divorced and moving on with my life?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Only you can answer that GG. R is not for the weak- thats for damned sure. Ive decided that by the time this is over Im either going to be the strongest woman in the world OR Im going to be in the mental ward. Its up in the air.

Are you in counseling? I know Ive asked that before but my memory stinks lately.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> So I think I am giving up on sex for a while - at least with my WS! Every single time we have sex I feel worse bc it takes such a toll on me to keep my mind under control regarding the mental images of them and knowing what they did. I don't feel special at all and it just makes me feel depressed and missing my marriage even more. He works A LOT AT IT, I just don't feel it.
> 
> These are the times I keep wondering if I really want to put myself through all of this when I was perfectly OK already almost divorced and moving on with my life?


GG - I think that is the thing - you miss your old marriage. You miss the man who loved you and was faithful. you miss that. Now here you have a man that is part of that man, but is someone else too that you need to get to know. I'm just talking out of my a$$, but I think maybe you have to look at it as a chance to build a relationship with a new man - the man he is now. Someone who you already know their flaws. You have to be able to draw the line and distinguish between the two. Same man - yes and no.

Not sure how I handled things was right, but did that whole hysterical bonding thing. It was just sex. I could not let it be anything more. I didn't feel ashamed, because he is my husband. I knew that I was different, and I approached him that way too. This was not the man I married. To let myself feel emotion - that is when I triggered....could not go there for a long time. Sex has never been better (I would compare it to our first few yeras of marriage) - still is great after 11 months of R...but emotionally, it is hard to let go still to make it more personal. It starts off like that sometimes, or ends like that sometimes, but rarely is it like that the whole way through. I want to get there. I think my brain is just not letting me...not sure. I'm working on it.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Yes I am in IC and he is in IC (now withmy therapist as well) and we both have MC sessions.

CTU - I hear you about the stronger or mental ward.

LFTS - Thanks at least I feel it is not only me. One question... did or do you ever feel like you are competing with someone else? If so, how do you do it and please do not say you just become the best porn star ever.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Minus the camera, yes :smthumbup:


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Seriously?! Jaja I gotta love you bc most of the time you just make me feel guilty!

CTU please help me here, I could use a bit of our sarcasm here!


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm going to disagree a bit CJS...but just on one point.
> 
> Regret has fully admitted that the excitement of the affair alone made the sex good, even though it was bland (her words).
> 
> However, we have made good headway into creating our own dopamine highs. Ever have sex in a park where someone could catch you? Ever "meet" each other at a bar and pretend you just met? There are countless things we can do for our sex lives that can create thrilling experiences. We're trying new things all the time. And it's pretty fun


I don't think we disagree. It seems we are on the same page. Even if the sex is boring its just the fact that the OW/OM have so much power over a WS. 

I know some spouses can be utterly disgusted at the thought of having sex with someone else other than their spouse but if its someone that they are attracted to or fall tempted too have relations with, than its really difficult to say otherwise.

Such disorderly false love, which is not designed to be acted upon, damages the mind, the owners judgement, priorities, emotions etc.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I have never believed my WS when he down plays the affair or the sex, for that matter. I mean, hello he was getting his way all the time and I was running around like a headless chicken between my job and our toddler. Jesus but it is just disgusting to the mind the mental pictures of them and trying to compete with that, it is just insane to me. It makes me sick.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I don't remember any specific time that I felt like I was competing. I just went into it with no inhibitions. I had no fear. I remember he once asked me if I did things because she told me - he thought I had communicated back with her - or maybe in some emails I read...no. There is nothing really that we do now that we did not do before...he just forgot because of the infrequency and how we changed our sex life to work around our children. Now we lock the door. We get them to bed earlier. Now we make time for us.

I NEVER asked if she was better than me, because I know that after our unconventonal romance back in the day and 15 years of marriage, there was nothng that she knew or could have done better. It was just different. 

I felt that I was not going to be cheated of something just because he chose to go elsewhere. He screwed up. I could have all the sex I wanted without hurting my family or feeling bad about it right in my own home, without breaking any vowes.

OK - so maybe I turned into a porn star...but the other man was always my husband. I sure as heck have no hangups about myself now. 

Is that healthy? I am not sure...it is just how I dealt with it. Defense mechanism maybe? Angry sex? All I know is that it has gotten better. There are more times now when it feels more personal. But as hurt as I was, I was not going to allow myself to feel anything on that level for awhile...good thing too...3 more DDs.

Just have some angry sex and see where that leads


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I am a horrible materialist pig. After I have found out what type of gifts he gave her during their A, I am expecting nothing less than the moon tomorrow. Ha is this what rage creates?


Anger is not a bad emotion.

If anger is bottled for far too long it is unhealthy.
If anger is sustained for far to long it is also unhealthy.

Respond to your anger/rage by understanding it.

It is always the most misunderstood emotion and very difficult to cope with, yet from the outside it seems the most commonly distinguished and easily identifiable.

I'm here to tell you that the OW is trash compared to you.
I'm here to tell you that your H had only an ephemeral passion for OW.
It did not fulfill what he truly desired even if he selfishly acted upon OW so.

Cheating is complete disorder, and it does not bring happiness.

The fruit from cheating is rotten, it is like a bright shiny apple, rich in color, amazing, plump, and seems tasteful on the outside, but it is rotten and worm loaded on the inside.

The rage you have is controllable, it is energy, it is power, it is strength, to change and become stronger. Keep yourself healthy though because cortisol (stress hormone) has an affect on your mind and body. Get plenty of vitamin c, excellent stress buster, magnesium potassium aspartate if you have blood pressure problems. No more anxiety attacks, no more stress attacks, no more random rage and having to sit down because you "can't take it anymore".

Keep working hard on R, don't let your WS rest!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Thanks CJS I guess I needed a guy's perspective. I needed to know that she was just a piece of [email protected]

Thanks LFTS you are always so happy and positive it is truly contagious. Have no idea how you do it but great for you! 

Like LFTS at some point i have to let go and move on. I just have set backs of being mad. How could he and with her, really?


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You are not the only one who thinks - how could he - with her?!? I just don't get it either- just one of those things along the lines of thinking "how could they do something so stupid and hurtful in the first place"...does not matter who it was - I am convinced of that. 

I try to stay positive - works most of the time, but then there are days like today that for some reason I just feel like buying a first class ticket to no where. Gonna take a cue from you and try to run it out tonight. Last time I did that it was disasterous, but I need to release some of the built up energy I have. Strange feeling. I feel like I could just sleep, but also feel like I could run forever.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The first time my xww and I had sex post dday was magical.
It was passionate, romantic, steamy and felt like it was the first time in many ways.

I remember being proud cuz I was able to have sex with
her without thinking of the OM during it.

I also remember her saying to me "I will never forget that, THAT was love."

Fast forward a couple months.....
I start triggering during sex.

One time, she told me that her "cycle" was at a point where
I would be able to "finish" inside of her. I saw the excitement
in her eye and rather than me sharing said excitement, the first 
thing that came to mind was how the OM was fixed
and was able to dump his goo in her before coming home to me.
She realized what she had asked me and felt a little guilty.

Then she started talking dirtier, which at first, I loved.
But then I started to wonder if that's how she talked with the OM.
I didn't understand why that was so taboo between us...I never
had any problems saying certain words, or giving orders in the sack. 
Yet she chose to share that with some stranger, rather than
her own husband and lover of 17 years.

Same with sending nude pictures to me. At first, it was exciting.
Then it became sad. I started to wonder if I was getting the same
type of pics from her that the OM did, or if he got better close ups, etc. 

My mind couldn't get over all of it. 
The painful visuals just did not relent at all.

Fast forward to 1 month before I kicked her out....

I'd wake up with her on top of me, grinding away...
I'd finish, toss her off of me and go back to sleep.

That's how interested I was in having sex with her near the end.
Disgusted and tormented at the same time.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Seriously?! Jaja I gotta love you bc most of the time you just make me feel guilty!
> 
> CTU please help me here, I could use a bit of our sarcasm here!


Well GG, what would your "porn star" name be????? 

My advice, take him to the very edge and then leave him standing there d*ck in hand and balls o'blue.:rofl:

Just once. Wouldnt that be sweet? But seriously, I suggest that the only way to get past this is to 'power thru'. Sorry GG, not the best thing ad def not what you want to hear but I think it truly may be the only way. 

As CJS said, You are so much better than her. IF she was all that girl, he'd have stayed with her. But where is he??? She clearly didnt have what it took to steal him from you. All she got was your leftovers for a bit. Then he ran home to mama!!! If you make it good enough for him, he will forget her name.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Anger is not a bad emotion.
> 
> If anger is bottled for far too long it is unhealthy.
> If anger is sustained for far to long it is also unhealthy.
> ...


BEST post youve EVER made!!!!! Spot on CJS. Excellent advice and I love the fruit analogy. Perfect.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LFTS, CJS and CTU thanks for the advice but I am not feeling the angry sex, I have tried it.

I think I need other types of intimacy first and to feel we are husband and wife. I don't feel this way all the time and I certainly do not feel he is MY husband - legally yes but that whole mine thing not there all the time.

I have to say he did hug me tight this morning before I left to train and it felt really good.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Well I had a great 9 to 10 mile run today and I have to say I feel OK-good today. 

Had a long talk yesterday with Mr GG and he was pretty sad but understood and said I think we just need to hold off on sex until you feel better and you can feel like we are "together" again. That makes me feel like he can have another excuse to go off into the sunset again, but I just don't care that much - there is nothing I can do about it, if he wants to wonder out no one can stop him.

I just do not feel that whole "My" husband thing - sense of ownership. We watched a movie with mini me and then spent some wonderful time watching some NBA game, which of course gave me the time I needed for a nap (sorry it bores the heck out of me but at least I slept cuddled up with him). I think I need that more than the sex. This whole ordeal just gets me so messed up and unstable I go from one emotion to the other literally every 10 minutes and I hate that. Funny thing is from OK to rage - no sadness anymore.

Today I have IC at 11 and then hubs at 2, poor therapist whe will be worn out today! Hopefully we will be able to get moving.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> Well I had a great 9 to 10 mile run today and I have to say I feel OK-good today.
> 
> Had a long talk yesterday with Mr GG and he was pretty sad but understood and said I think we just need to hold off on sex until you feel better and you can feel like we are "together" again. That mak4es me feel like he can have another excuse to go off into the sunset again, but I just don't care that much - there is nothing I can do about it, if he wants to wonder out no one can stop him.
> 
> ...


Sounds like it was a good night. Sex is not always needed. Maybe he is saying that because he knows that he is on eggshells with you right now and feels that he needs to give you space or you will up and leave. Remind me - are you living together right now?

Envious of your ability to run anything over 5 miles  That is my limit - but working on it. I would like to be able to do 1/2 marathon before it gets over 100 degrees here....end of May. Ultimate goal is us doing the Tough Mudder Run this year - down and dirty!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Yet she chose to share that with some stranger, rather than
> her own husband and lover of 17 years.
> 
> Same with sending nude pictures to me. At first, it was exciting.
> ...


Sorry to hear that CTS. But you're better than I am in that respect. 

Even if my STBXW came around to full contrition and wanted to seek R with me, I absolutely could never bring myself to believe her, given her sordid track record of covert deception, not to even mention being nothing more than a "goo pool" for the out-of-town OM, all while sleeping in our bed even a year prior to our separation, as if nothing had ever happened at all.

In my eyes, she has degenerated herself to being nothing more than a wealthy, lying, self-serving, lacivious piece of meat, never worthy of ever restoring any element of trust with me, at least in this lifetime.

I absolutely could not bring myself to even think of having sex with her ever again, even if I didn't have relations with anyone for a decade and had scarfed down a huge bag of cocaine on top of that.

But while I may have found it in my heart to have forgiven her for what she did ~ I'll damn well never forget!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Sounds like it was a good night. Sex is not always needed. Maybe he is saying that because he knows that he is on eggshells with you right now and feels that he needs to give you space or you will up and leave. Remind me - are you living together right now?
> 
> Envious of your ability to run anything over 5 miles  That is my limit - but working on it. I would like to be able to do 1/2 marathon before it gets over 100 degrees here....end of May. Ultimate goal is us doing the Tough Mudder Run this year - down and dirty!


Yes we are living together since around the end of November.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Sorry to hear that CTS. But you're better than I am in that respect.
> 
> Even if my STBXW came around to full contrition and wanted to seek R with me, I absolutely could never bring myself to believe her, given her sordid track record of covert deception, not to even mention being nothing more than a "goo pool" for the out-of-town OM, all while sleeping in our bed even a year prior to our separation, as if nothing had ever happened at all.
> 
> ...


Yes, forgeting is the hard part of it all isn't it? How could they, why and when will they again. I guess my separation did help me in a sense I dedicated my time to healing and serving me, by the time he got his head out of the clouds and wanted to come back I was pretty good. 

Cannot deny that once he came back some things come back and affect me but I am not the same needy person I was before and this all help to get him off the pedestal he was on. That is why I tell people here you have got to focus on you bc while you are focusing on them and doing things to get them to react, they are living their lives with or without you.


----------



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi GG,

I recently started reading your thread and wanted to wish you good luck in your R. I so understand how you feel. Seems like we have the same WS, lol. But your's only fooled around once, mine a few times. His last OW reminds me of exactly of what you have been describing, including my feelings. R has been nothing short of hell but battling through.

I wish you the best and will be encouraging you as much as I can.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Same to you Asia, I hope you decide what is best for you and not for him. They certainly did not consider us when they choose to wonder off.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

It's Friday. Slept 2 hours bc I decided to look at my LinkedIn profile and saw that my H OW "la cochofle" was checking my profile and I got soooo mad there was no way I could sleep. yet, I was not mad at him and I felt pretty decent after my training this morning. I want to always feel good with us, how do you guys do that? How do you push the rage away? How do you start believing again that all those years were not BS?

An PLEASE tell me how do you let go of the rage against the stupid cochofle? She lives like 5 minutes away from me so I trigger a lot when I drive home.


----------



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I try to keep the focus on him. The OW is not the real, true problem. The breaking of the promises and vows by our spouse are. Granted, there are times when I find myself in total competition with her, even though she’s been out of the picture for a while now; I still get jealous thinking my husband told her he wanted to be with her. Like what makes her so special I have given you everything. He cheated before but never left me and the idea that he left me to be with her KILLS ME! I am learning that I made some mistakes too but I would have never cheated or left him. He abandoned my daughter and I and even though he’s back and remorseful, I still feel second best. My forgiveness is a daily trial. Lol 

Do you ever check up on her through online methods? Playing the other side of the fence, she may have just been curious and checked you out. I am in a Divorcecare Bible study (even though I’m not leaving him, just trying to figure out my feelings) and I can see when my other attendees are too focused on the AP and not on the offending spouse. It’s natural to push all the negative feelings on the outsider but if he didn’t bring her in and invite her into our lives, the AP could never be an issue. 

So I have no advice on how to get her out of your rage department other than to point the anger back to where it originated.

I am going to create a thread about my issues with her…..don’t want to highjack yours. 


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Asia I do not mind anyone here sharing whatever they feel and need! Hijack away my friend, it helps sometimes.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I did not care or focused on her before. Believe me I knew it was him who screwed up, but at the same time when he decided to leave us a year and more ago I never called him or her and I NEVER asked him to come home - NEVER! So now I am so mad that she dared to try and keep contact when she knows he is back home. He came back bc he wanted to - no drama or requests on our end so why does she feel she can be calling him? ARGH I want to slap her!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I keep reading in every thread how much hysterical bonding helped couples in R cope and save what was left. I wonder since we separated immediately and there has not been any hysterical bonding, could this be something that has damaged our chances a lot - besides all the other idiotic things my H has done?


----------



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I did not care or focused on her before. Believe me I knew it was him who screwed up, but at the same time when he decided to leave us a year and more ago I never called him or her and I NEVER asked him to come home - NEVER! So now I am so mad that she dared to try and keep contact when she knows he is back home. He came back bc he wanted to - no drama or requests on our end so why does she feel she can be calling him? ARGH I want to slap her!


That is the part that sucks the worse....she thinks she can call because once upon a time, he wanted her too. Not too many try to keep in touch with someone that never wanted them. She feels like he belonged to her for a while and she has rights to call when she wants to based on their history. I still look up my WS's OW and hate that I do that. I even blocked her on FB and still find a way to look in every now and then. UGH!!!

My WS's OW wasn't as desperate as some women I read here and I am so thankful for that. I feel like she moved on and didn't give my WS a second thought once he left her. Sometimes I hate that she could do that (and I can't) but most of the time, its relief I don't have to worry about her hanging on. She caused him to want to leave me so I need her to keep walking in the other direction....lol.

If I am being honest, I knew my daughter was struggling without her father around and made him feel totally responsible for her mental and emotional stability. Just learning how much I have been doing that over the years through counseling. It is in our daughter's best interest to have both of us and I am going to give that to her. But I also know if it wasn't for her, we would have split years ago. You have no idea how hard that is to face, especially in R. He doesn't know I realized this because I think he would feel he could leave me/us with a clear conscience and would justify it based on my actions to keep him. Or this R we are trying would only be until she was older (in my mind). I love him so much and knowing he was willing to leave us, even knowing its best for our daughter to have both of us in the same home haunts me. 

Sorry for rambling.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I know. I really really know. When I say "even when Im happy, Im sad" I mean it. Its less than it used to be but still very much there.


Sums it up pretty well, not a day, hour sometimes minute goes by without this on my mind. We took pictures for christmas us and the kids you know just the kids, just the girls, boys that stuff and my WS remarked I looked like I didn't want to be there , how sad I was, my response "when you carry around all this weight it gets tiresome"
To the sex thing I try to keep in mind she wasn't a virgin when we married and I don't think of any of those guys or am I bothered by them. Doesn't always work but it is just another way to get rid of "those" thoughts, the other thing that seems to work is to really focus on the sensations and the pleasure that I am feeling at that moment. I still have times where I can't get rid of the images and thoughts and it's tough and I feel for you.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Love+pain - I wish I could tell you that I can focus on the sensations but it just does not last like it used to, it is not the same nor does it feel the same. All the claiming I read about with the screw like rabbits stories here bc of hysterical bonding - no I cannot say I have had or felt that. Maybe one day and then it went away.

Asia I follow your pain. My H left us when my son was 18 months and started treatment for his development issues (I have been working with him in therapies to avoid an Autism disgnostic and I am now seeing the results). I managed all by myself without his help - be it physicall, emotional or monetary. Even his family abandoned us, and my son is their only nephew and grandson. So don't do anything for your daughter and do it for you, but be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. I know it is not easy bc as mothers we want to be the best for them, but at the end they will thank you if you are an emotional stable and happy mother for them.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

And today I turn on the TV and the Apple TV was connected and there it was a photo of the AP "la cochofle" at our wedding... loved it! Needless to say I no longer have a wedding album since she was in it.


----------



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Don't get rid of the wedding album, just cut her out. Lol!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Question to those that have been in and out - how long before you start feeling REAL constant feelings for your WS again? Not those that may or not come and go.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This has been a tough area for me. We at first did the everywhere, everyday bonding sex at the end of the A. I still had issues with did my wife tell me everything? I know she was more open with him in communication of wants and desires. I found the email, texts and pictures.

Added to the issue is I knew the POS in High School. We also went for dry spells where I did not want to touch her. We are working things out with a MC but this is a tough road for us.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

mahike said:


> This has been a tough area for me. We at first did the everywhere, everyday bonding sex at the end of the A.


At least you had the bonding sex, I hasd the I will try to not puke sex and even he noticed! How are you guys dealing with things? Did you also have her in a pedestal before? Are you capable of saying and feeling your are completly in love with her?


----------



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Started to say more but that's stuff my store will be made of. I can not give my husband a BJ since once I was home from the hospital back on my feet almost off all those horrible pills and weight was falling off I was offering over and over again to give him head. He kept turning me down and working working working. Then he came home high, beat on me, telling me about the three women he was [email protected] He went to jail. (That's another story.) Well it turned out only one and since then I have gotten very little out of him. As for the sex I looked at it as, I like sex, I crave sex, I have HD when not on all those pulls and want it more than most. Since I am not about to go out and find someone else putting myself at risk etc etc. WH was always good enough and great. However I am finding him boring, he is not adventurous, he can't get it going more than once a week but he says he wants more. 
Dam, he had to go mess around when he can't even handle what he has at home. At MC I was thinking of suggesting that "since he seems to help other husbands with their wives maybe he should look into getting help with his own wife." He couldn't handle me before we got married but I was willing to compromise because I loved and respected him. Many times I have thought about giving him head. I do like it too BUT the pit of my tummy goes out from under me and my heart turns into it's self. The thought that goes through my head 1. Cold day in H_LL 2. Any man on any street corner and make him watch. 2. Just go for all the male clients. (I know a few who would) But that's not me I'm getting sideways so to cut it short, he gets no blow job for a long long time, I think he should beg me for it and after sex, she is there for me to wonder about. As he drifts off to sleep I get up and spend the next 2 to 3 hours crying. ... It will never be the same for me but he sure is madly in love with his wife again, so he says. Yeah right! If that was all there was to the why how shallow the man is. Sorry I ranted a little too it's been a very hard few days and I'm waiting for the WH to make next move after giving him the letter. I think I'm waiting too long but we have MC Monday so maybe he is waiting. However there are a lot of other things he should be doing for us not work. TY


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When positing in CWI, please be respectful of those working on reconciliation. You do not have to agree with the path they are taking but implying a lack of self-respect is both insulting and inappropriate in this forum.


----------

