# Help - desperation has set in



## moncoeur (Aug 4, 2010)

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum. I hate that my first post is going to be a long complaint, but I feel paralysed by loneliness at present and I need support and advice more than anything.

Background: I'm a 25 year old female in a de-facto, married-like relationship with a 26 year old male (I will refer to him as M from this point onwards) for approx 4.5 years. We both are afflicted with depression and anxiety, and each of us has very different ways to cope with our bad days. We've hit more than one rough patch; problems include but are not limited to our mental health, financial issues and jealousy to name a few.

We were very young when we met. I didn't plan on having it turn into a long-term live-in relationship, but we provided support to each other in our times of need and we grew closer.

He moved in after 6 months together and we lived in a one-bedroom apartment I'd purchased before I met him. Neither of us had serious thoughts of marriage at that age. But last year I experienced a niggling insecurity of the status of our relationship. I brought up the topic one night and his response was "I don't want to get married. I don't know if I'm scared of marriage in general or marriage with you."

I was gutted.

For a bit more detail, I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as a teenager, but this has been disputed by 2 different psychologists I'd seen since, who both concluded that my personality disorder was a reaction to a very volatile childhood.

M had a pretty bad World of Warcraft addiction on top of his depression. In the past, this addiction coupled with symptoms of his depression had cost him several employments. In the first 2 years of our relationship, he was sacked twice and unemployed for 1.5 years of that duration. He managed to get another job eventually and lasted 2.5 weeks before he was once again sacked.

As you can imagine, this was a very rocky period for us wherein I was the sole provider and he stayed at home too depressed to do anything else. This was also around the time I received promotions in my job which meant longer hours, increased responsibility and naturally, stress. Coming home after a 14 hour day at the office to find him slouching in front of the computer led to many long, loud arguments wherein I would lose my temper and he would become defensive and either shut down completely to stonewall me, or goad me into becoming even angrier.

I'm not proud to admit this, but here goes: during these arguments, I could rile at him so badly he'd attempt to calm me down by giving me a bear hug. I experienced sexual assault in my teenage years, so my reaction was to start hyperventilating while fighting like crazy. I can distinctly recall 4 separate occasions where I'd scream at him to let me go, kick at him and pummel his back with my fists, which probably didn't inspire him to release his grip. In these 4 occasions in which his attempts to calm me down had failed, M would snap and the bearhug would turn into a strangle. Being unable to breathe due to the lack of oxygen usually subdued me.

Immediately after, he would pace back and forth, in tears, and attempt to throw himself off the balcony of the 12th floor flat. The rest of the night usually consisted of me crying and trying to pull him away from the balcony until both of us were exhausted from the whole spectacle and just pass out in bed together.

The next few days we would tiptoe around each other until we eventually re-established our normal comfort level.

During this time, he was talking very frequently with a girl from his previous workplace and a high school friend reconnected through Facebook. I wasn't worried about either relationship as I trusted he had good enough judgment to remain faithful. The thing is, while he never did anything remotely sexual with either of them he did develop emotional connection with them stronger than the one he had with me. As I later found out through his Facebook messages (this snooping was sparked by a message sent to me by mistake from him saying very nasty things about me, which was meant to be for one of the girls) this emotional connection was forged over many months of him confiding his relationship issues to them, instead of trying to talk it out with me.

In these messages he listed out my wrongdoings, of which there were many, but he had completely omitted everything he had done to me (the strangling, being one of them) and anything I had done for him (providing constant financial support to him solely on my income, which meant I had gone into debt at that stage). In short, he came across the victim - the unfortunate good guy - and I was the jealous, controlling, violent ***** of a girlfriend who is trapping him in an unhappy, loveless relationship.

It's worth mentioning that by this time I had tried to end the relationship twice. Or at least get him to leave. Each time resulted in him threatening suicide and accusing me of not caring what would become of him as he'd have nowhere to go and no money.

He was hysterical and tearful when I confronted him. I was also admittedly in a state as I had trusted him to at least not lie about the situation if he was going to complain about the relationship.

We came out of this ordeal, relocated, and he eventually found and held down a job. The next year and a half was stable, uneventful and peaceful in terms of our relationship. I was slowly making tentative connections for friendships in our new location (I'm very shy and guarded, so these fledgling friendships were actually anxiety-inducing by my standards). Then came the marriage topic. This occurred right around the time I became estranged from my family and was having financial issues. I was under enormous amount of pressure and I was _not_ coping.

I suggested a break up following this conversation and he didn't object. He seemed completely fine with this and it really felt like a punch in the gut as I'd thought we had improved and grown stronger as a couple since the first 2 years of turbulence.

I felt the most alone in this time as I had no support, friends in another state 900km away, with no family and now no relationship. A week after the official break up and we were halfway done in packing up to go our separate way, I snapped. I took 60 Advils and I hadn't been eating in about 4 days while still maintaining very long hours at my job, so I lost consciousness pretty quickly. I was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance and came out of it alive. Still very miserable, but alive.

I found out during the time I was in the hospital, M was busy making calls to every single person we knew in the country telling them about what had happened and what I had done. The friends with whom I was slowly cultivating the new, tentative connection was also in his list. Burdening someone with this type of knowledge so early on in a relationship does not bode well - and these connections pretty much died in the spot.

Now I was completely alone. So he decided to rekindle the relationship. I got on stronger antidepressants and we forged on.

In January this year I noticed he was acting very off. He was very secretive and defensive over his phone and computer. If I so much picked up his phone to check the time he would snark at me and physically remove it from my hand. I couldn't sit down in front of his computer without his interrogating me over what exactly I needed his machine for.

This went on, and in February he had left his Facebook messages up on his computer. There were dozens of messages from girls I had never heard of, with userpics of boobs, arse and legs. I clicked on one, then another, then another. There were literally HUNDREDS of these messages dating back from 2008, when we had been together for only 2 years, the most recent in January 2010. It seems he had sent copied/pasted line to these girls saying precisely "Nice pics. What's your bra size?" A lot of them didn't merit a response from these girls, but the ones who did reply he would write back with "That's hot. I have an 8" ****. Send me a text message on this number and I will send you photographic proof" or "That's hot. Wanna help a horny guy out? What are you wearing?"

On top of all these, I also found more messages between him and several mutual friends, repeating the old pattern of saying malicious partial truths about me. Worse, one person with whom I previously had a very close friendship had become convinced that I am to blame for all the problems we've been having and that M needs to dump me. Right now.

I hadn't spoken to this person in months because I'd had nothing positive to report to him because of all these issues. I firmly believe that whatever problems we have should be kept between us (that is, talk to each other about problems rather than complaining to others while saying absolutely nothing to the person being complained about) or at least with an impartial relationship counsellor. The silence from my front was apparently perceived as evidence for this former friend that I am a hateful, manipulative girlfriend and that M is trapped in a very bad situation and needed every ounce of help one human being could dispense to another. The things that were said about me betwen the two of them, I can't even bear to repeat. 

M apologised profusely when confronted with all these things and swore black and blue he'd never carried his Facebook encounters offline. We agreed to each start seeing psychologists to sort out all our issues. We also agreed to set a timeline for my goal of marriage. I told him I will stay with him until April 2011, at which point he will have to decide whether he wants to get married. If yes, then great. If still unsure or no, we'd separate, drama-free this time.

I am not presenting this timeline to him as an ultimatum or attempt at manipulation. It is merely my own timeline and I will stick to it even if he won't.

M is not all bad. He is largely kind and caring towards me. Except for his lying streak, I can trust and rely on him. He has gone out of his way to do things for me even when it is of no benefit to him. We share similar values. We're of equal intelligence and I've enjoyed a lot of stimulating conversations and debates with him. We also "get" each other. We understand each other's humour and just know each other so well we almost don't have to say anything to one another in various occasions. Sometimes he can pick up that I'm upset just with a glance. He listens to my moaning about the glass ceiling for female executives in the workplace. In the good times, we truly have fun together. I like that I can talk to him in bed when I can't sleep and he has put up with a lot from me in the 4.5 years we've been together and has (mostly) stayed.

I suspect the instances of his backstabbing are mainly due to his craving for attention and overwhelming need to be heard first and thereby establish himself as the innocent victim in all turmoils. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, just a very immature one.

In recent weeks I've been noticing inordinate amount of attention from other men. Men with earning power similar to mine and seem to be interested in me. It's been a long time since M has made me feel desirable and while I've never even been remotely tempted to stray before, now I find myself toying with the idea of ending the agreement early and try my luck with one of these men. It may not work out, it may end up being worse, but I connect with one in particular and I wonder if he would be able to give me what M can't/won't: marriage to a strong, stable man who won't constantly mess things up for himself and leave me to pay for his mistakes when he can't. Someone who loves me at least as much as I love him, which is enough to effectively state "I'm as unsure of marriage as the next person, but you're worth the risk and I know you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

I don't need some big romance. I just want stability and a peaceful, loving union; constant companionship through the years.

I don't know what to do. I have lots of reasons to stay with M, and lots of reasons to not stay with M. I don't know what risks to take.

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I needed to get this off my chest. I need your advice.


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