# No longer in love with Hubby



## trubie08

So I should start with some general info.... My husband and I have been married for 3 years after dating for a yr and 1/2. We have a 29 month old together. 

About a yr ago I started to lose that "loving" feeling. Well if I was really honest with you, I never truly had that passion for him. We started dating as rebound partners and then he grew on me. He has been there for me through all my hardships, has supported me and has been my best friend. I got pregnant after a yr and we decided to get married. Now I look back and really wish I hadn't. 

The first yr of our marriage was really rough. He talked down to me and cut me off of all my friends. I think he thought I should change who I was because of my new title as wife. I let him get away from this behavior and began to resent him. Finally after our daughter was a few months old I told him he was pushing me away through his verbal abuse but it didn't change much. He would cry, say he was sorry and a month later he would be back to demeaning me. 

About a yr ago (2 yrs into marriage and with a one yr old) I finally told myself it was enough. I did not want my daughter to grow up watching the way he treated me and think it was ok for a man to act that way towards a woman. I told my hubby it was either change or I was going to leave. I wanted it to work for my daughters sake but also could not go on living that way. Well he finally woke up and saw I was serious and the progress began. 

While my hubby has changed dramatically, I realized my feelings for him have not. I thought if he would change, I would love him again but sadly I do not. I don't want to believe the damage is done but I think he has put me through so much and I can't get it back.

So your probably asking yourself why I would want to be with him and expect to love him passionately when it was never there to begin with. Well I dont want to separate for the sake of my daughter who adores him. I want and wish and pray that I can love him but its not there. He is now a good guy and treats me so well but I cant feel it for him. I tried faking it, not thinking about it and praying but still nothing. 

So a few weeks ago I told him the truth. I told him I don't love him like that and only as a best friend. Of course he was devastated. He wants us to work and for my daughters sake I agreed to marriage counseling. We still live together and everyday I see the pain in his eyes. He is sad, angry and confused which I expected. One minute he is trying to win me over and the next he is calling me a coldhearted B and telling me to leave. I dont know how much I can take of this. I thought honesty was the best policy but now seriously doubt it. 

I have always thought love is what relationships are about. I believe that everyone should be truly and deeply loved. I would feel bad sitting next to him while he told me he loved me and not feel it for him. Was I wrong? Should I have just sucked it up? Am I being selfish? I thought I was being selfish by not telling him and now think I am selfish for telling him. Can someone ever truly bounce back from this (every arguement since I told him he has thrown this in my face somehow!)? Is anyone ever always in love with thier partner and this is just some 1 and 1/2 yr rut? 

So we are now heading to counseling but to be honest, I dont think it will work. I can't see myself with him and it devastates me cause I wanted this to work for the sake of my family. Then on the other hand, dont I deserve to be happy and truly love someone? I am so confused!


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## amig

I've been married for over 20 years and feel the same as you. For the last couple of years the love has died. Wife did not want counseling, she loves me but my love died for her. I am at the point where I just want out. It's been hard not making the decision yet. Staying in a relation you are not happy is a killer. Think about it well, if you have to go you should


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## trubie08

A friend and I were talking the other day and she asked me 2questions and wanted me to respond yes or no. She asked me if I loved him... I said no. She asked me if I think we will be together in 5 yrs .... I said no. She told me thats my answer and I should leave. Better to leave now then to draw out the inevitable and make it that much harder in the future. I just dont know why i cant and insist on holding on onto something that isnt there. I secretly wished my hubby would have made me leave cause I cant do it on my own. 

@ Amig, have you left yet? And if not, what is holding you back? DId you want to go to counseling? throughout your marriage did you ever feel this way before?


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## gregj123

Well if somebody is treating you bad leave,but if you can work things out do it give some things a chance.


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## trubie08

Thats the thing, my hubby has improved so much. I just seem to not be able to accept it. I think I have shut myself emotionally from him. My hubby is still upset over the situation. Now every arguement we get into he throws the fact that I dont even love him in my face. Then the next minute he is trying to swoon on me. 

I am still confused on what to do. Everyone around me tells me I need to try and work this out for our daughter and while I agree I shouldnt jump into anything quite yet, I still cant help but be selfish and think about my happiness. SIgh.


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## jmfabulous

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Can I ask a question? how has he changed? I know he is hurt, but calling you a cold hearted B etc, is showing his true colors. Are you sure that he has done the "work" or has he just not been demeaning? 

Only you can decide where you want to be, and what makes you happy. Don't sell yourself short.


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## Brewster 59

So I was wondering just what is this love you are talking about? I always thought love was a choice, a commitment, not a feeling. The giddy feeling that one has when they first meet someone never lasts.

Emotions are fickle but if you are truley unhappy I guess something got to change but rest assured being a single parent is a VERY tough job.


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## Confused-Wife

I feel the same way as you. I'm in a very similar situation. Only glaring difference is that I don't have kids yet. 

But trust me...even if you didn't have a kid, you'd still make up an excuse on why you should stay with him. That's what i've been doing. The house, the money, the security, his dependence on me, family, blah blah blah. 

I've been trying everything to convince myself to stay, but I can't stop thinking about it. The feeling haunts me and never leaves me alone. I feel like a crazy person for wanting to leave. But still....I want to leave. I guess it's so hard to make a final decision because I feel like I _should_ want to stay.

I feel like maybe we just aren't right for each other.


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## trubie08

@jmfabulous.... When I meant by saying he has changed I meant it as he is not demeaning to me in everyday conversation like he use too (now its only when we argue) and he use to keep me from my friends and now even though he still gets upset I do see them once in awhile. WOw now that i am typing this it sounds crazy! I guess he hasn't change, he is just better at hiding it. I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells every morning. I hate it. 

@brewster.... I know that infatuation type of love does not last long at all but when I mean by wanting to be in love is simply just being happy in my relationship. I want to wake up with a smile, not dread. I dont want to feel like I am forcing myself to say I love you and I want to care about him. I want to be intimate with someone, not feel disgusted by kissing them. I do care about him but only for my daughter who adores him. If I were to ever lose him, I would mourn her loss, not mine. 

@confused wife.... I know you what you mean. I would be making excuse even if I didnt have her. I feel comfortable in my lifestyle. I dont want it to change. I would hate being a single mom. Despite of what he has put me through I know he loves me more than anything and scares me I will never find it again. I should want to be here but I DONT. I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I have a life sentence and I hate it. I want to leave so why cant I? The last thing I want to do is find and fall for someone else when I am with him and leave then. I need to leave for me and only me. But I also feel like that would be the only thing that gets me to leave and its a scary feeling.


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## jmfabulous

Trust me when I say this...I've been trying to get myself to leave for 2 years. I have only recently been separated. 

Try counseling on your own. Being in this type of relationship is tough...you are manipulated (well, i was) every day. My therapist calls it the "crab in the bucket" theory...he is the king crab, and doesn't want the crab to leave the bucket and keeps pulling you down everytime you get brave. Either threw power/might; or tricking you into thinking that he's changed (I say this, b/c this is where I am now, too). 

Best of luck...keep us posted...


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## MsLonely

You're not working on falling in love with your husband. You just wanted him to improve himself to make you happy but you just wait and see if chemistry would just happen. 
You have to search or create butterflies in your stomach for your husband.
I didn't see any effort you make to work out your marriage problems.
In this view, yes, you're pretty selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused-Wife

Trubie, There are two ways of thinking here. People subscribe to one of these thoughts: 

1) Make yourself happy first.
2) Never stop trying.

I tend to believe more towards #1. It feels so wrong though, because we feel like we're being selfish. For givers like us, thinking about ourselves naturally seems selfish and thoughtless. However, we all have one life to live. One life. So why should we force ourselves to do something we don't want to do? I say "we" as in you and me. I feel like i'm in a similar situation as you, so we could learn from eachother here. Maybe jmfabulous too.

So the question is: Do we do what makes us happy? (In my case, I don't think I know what will make me happy, but I do know that the situation I'm currently in is NOT making me happy). So therefore, the question becomes Do we stop doing what obviously makes us miserable? OR Do we stick around...wait it out...keep trying? By leaving, we save precious time and are able to move on. By staying, we are still hopeful for a future with this person.

I'm interested in what jmfabulous has to say about her two years. 

It has helped me in the past to isolate the problem. If no one else was involved. Not your daughter, not your husband, not anyone. What would you want to do? I ask myself this question, and the answer is easy. I would leave. Unfortunately, it's just not that simple. There are so many emotions involved.


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## Confused-Wife

I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.

How stupid is that?

Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.


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## goincrazy

Confused-Wife said:


> I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
> 
> How stupid is that?
> 
> Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.


I can totally relate to you guys. I have wanted to leave for a couple of years now, and I am finally to the point where I am going to start the divorce process soon. I kept wishing that he would do something to justify me leaving. I finally realized that even if he doesn't do something horrible, I still want to leave. He is trying to be super nice right now and say that he wants to work things out, and it doesn't change the fact that I don't love him. I have explained to him that the way he has treated me over the years has resulted in me not being in love with him anymore. Even though he apologized for his treatment of me and truly feels bad, that doesn't change the way I feel. I don't want to kiss him, hold his hand, go to counseling or have children with him. I have felt this way for over two years, and that's just the way I feel. If I can't have children with this man, then it's time to move on.


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## jmfabulous

Confused-Wife said:


> I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
> 
> How stupid is that?
> 
> Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.


I've said these same things.

then I found out he cheated on me. Still married.

Truth is, I don't know why I'm still here and married to my husband.


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## trubie08

@jmfabulous.... I start counseling tomorrow. We are going in for a joint session and then we will start on our individual. I feel like I need it in order to sort my own issues out. 

@mslonley.... I do believe I have tried to work this out. I suggested counseling a yr ago and he would only go to 2 sessions and then he quit. I have tried being more affectionate to him and even tried to convince myself that i love him and still felt nothing. I have tried talking to him but all he did was become critical. I tried date nights every other week. I have taken 2 vacations with him in efforts to spark up a romance. I have read books, talked to my parents (who also counsel people). I have tried. Maybe not to your standards but I have. I want to love him but I simply don't and have only recently come to terms with that and accepted it. 

@confusedwife.... I am not happy. I feel like I am selling myself short. I feel like I am wasting away. But still it is so hard to leave. The "selfish" part of me wants to stay in this comfort zone of what I know. Thats why I am doing the counseling knowing my heart is not even in it. Maybe they will help me sort these issues out and help me find out what i really want (cause I dont even know that) .
I have also wished he would cheat and do something to make me leave. I often say to myself if only he didn't love me it would make things so much easier. A friend told me that I should stay because I will never find a man who will love me like he does. He wouldnt ever hurt me like that and its awful that I want him too! 

@goin crazy.... my hubbby has also tried to make nice but since I had to shut myself off emotionally from him from all the verbal abuse, I dont love him. And though he has made an effort, I always think in the back of my head that he is the same just doesnt show it anymore cause he knows the consequence so I still feel guarded.


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## Confused-Wife

What do you think would happen if one day, out of the blue, you picked up your purse, and your keys, and maybe your kid, looked at him and said, "I'm sorry. This just isn't working out anymore. I have to leave."

Then just leave and don't go back no matter what he says.

Do you think that would work? I'm wondering if it would work for me.


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## BoardNMom

I have been reading these post and it's almost like reading my own story. Only I have been married almost 10 years and have 2 children. I'm not sure there was ever a major passion between us even though I've always found him attractive. He was one of the nice guys and after dating plenty of the bad guys that were just good for sex I thought I made the right decision by going with the good father family man type. In many ways I did. however over the last few years he became distant and didn't want to do anything but play games or do stuff with his family. He put me down a lot and said mean things to me when we argued which was often. I began to put up a wall and started doing more and more without him. I tried to get him to go to counseling and he wouldn't until one day I told him that someone I worked with had feelings for me and I was attracted to him and although we were just good friends I felt different and wanted around him. THAT opened his eyes and he was immediately different. However by this time I had a lot of resentment built up and didn't even care about being intimate with him anymore. We did counseling together and indivually and I decided I should leave for awhile and search my heart. Well that lasted a night and it didn't feel right so I went back and decided to try harder to work on things. 7 months later I'm still here but I think about whether or not it's right everyday. I am the finacial provider now and he is a sahd. His mother has cancer also. My dad thinks he hung the moon. All of these things keep me pushin to make it work with him. I like to be with him and the kids and hang out but when it comes to kissing and stuff it's so hard for me. I even look forward to having my period so I am not pressured that way. I ask myself all the time if I really need passion and if it will die in every relationship. Cringing at the thought of kissing someone (something I consider intimate and fun) is not a place I'd ever though I'd be. I want so bad to just turn my feelings back on and keep my family together and I keep finding reasons to stay and try that. It's the holidays, we are going on a trip, the kids etc...but yet I still wonder. I feel bad because he has tried so hard to change but I still see old habits come out when he is mad and I know he still doesn't quite trust me and I wonder if he ever will. I hear stories about how people make a mistake thinking the grass is greener then I hear others about how they should have left years ago. 
It's so confusing. Anyway didn't mean to hijack your post but just wanted you to know I can totally relate to your feelings.


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## trubie08

@confusedwife.... I have the same fantasy of just running off with my baby. Just telling him like it is and go. If I did I know it would ruin him. I think I would be lonely at times but I also think I would be happy. If only.....its such a shame but the truth is there are so many factors in life that you have to consider as well. sigh. If only he would let go, then I would too. 

@Boardmom.... Thank you for sharing, its always nice that someone can relate to you. Like you, I never was in love with hubby but he was handsome and did not have a bad reputation. I have always been surrounded by huge Aholes and he didnt seem like that so it was the logical thing to do. I was logically in love. It wasnt until a yr or so his true colors showed and I put up with it for awhile. I stood up for myself after awhile which shocked but didnt change him. It wasnt til I told him that he was pushing me away and was getting ready to leave that he changed. I foolishly thought by him "changing" I would change my feelings towards him but found that was not the case. When he gets mad, his old self shows and it makes me wonder if he could ever change. Its to that point I cringe as well at the thought of kissing him and being intimate. i come up with every excuse and if I do give in because I dont want to hear the negative feedback, my eyes are closed and I pretend I am somewhere else. Its disheartening. I too think maybe it would be a mistake to leave and that maybe all relationships are like this at some point. who knows. 

Today we had our first counseling session. She said something that really struck me and it was that I cannot move on in this "new" relationship until I get past the hurt from the "old" one. I dont know if I can ever. I told her its like I have put all those hurt words/actions in a filing cabinet in my head and I am constantly sorting through them and pulling them out, reminding myself of those incidences. I dont know if I can ever get over it. I have been physically abused before in a relationship and while that was tough, putting up with this verbal abuse has been worse. People dont understand as much and bruises heal while words stick with you forever. In my old physically abusive relationship the worst incidences to me were the things he said. Crazy.


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## Confused-Wife

Trubie, I have brought up divorce on several occasions. It was once per week for awhile. He got fed up. He said that he wants to be with me, but if I don't want to be with him, then he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. Did you get all that?  Well then he said he thinks i'm an amazing wife, and he thinks I"m the least selfish person he knows. That touched me and it made me want to stay. 

At first, I blamed our marriage problems on his behavior. Then he changed. Now it's all me. Now I realize that it never was his behavior. That was just the thing I was blaming it on. Now I think I'm scared to have it all blamed on me. It's my problem...not his.

He has given me permission to just leave, but still I stay. What is wrong with that? 

What I'm trying to say is that no matter what you think you want, no matter what sign or permission or push you THINK you need that will give you that last encouragement to leave....it won't. The only thing that will make you leave is when YOU convince yourself that that's what you need to do. This is the same situation I'm in. 

I wait for us to get in a fight so I can storm out. The fights come, but I never leave. When push comes to shove, I don't do it. In the moment, I think...OMG, I don't want this. I want to stay. I want to make this work. Then almost IMMEDIATELY after I kick myself and remind myself that THAT was my chance and I blew it.

It's not a matter of the children, or his feelings, or the families' feelings, or the finances, or security....it's a matter of setting your mind to do what you want to do, and sticking to it. Then you have to remove all care and emotion from yourself and just do it.

Obviously I can't take my own advice, but I'm slowly trying to push myself in that direction...no matter how selfish it seems to be, I just need to think for myself and do what I need. So do you.

Maybe together we can figure this out.


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## Confused-Wife

The whole situation seems so very straighforward in my head right now, but still i'm conflicted. Not sure why that happens.


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## troy

How do you "try" to make things better? I tried for a year doing what I though was the right things to do to try and make my marriage better. I am learning now that although my intentions were pure, I did not know what the right thing to do. The solution is education. Marriage is not somthing you intuitively learn, its something your learn by educating yourself. Unfortunately most people, including myself, learn about marriage through trial and error, and start educating themselves only when things start going wrong. The first thing to do is learn about how to create a strong marriage, and that means both parties, then really try for a year. If after 1 year things are still not working, then its time to split. Good luck. and start learning and start doing.


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## trubie08

@confusedwife... wow I swear we think alike. I read your comments and know exactly what you mean. 

I wait for those arguments swearing I will kick him out or leave and then when he is about to leave on his own, I bawl. I don't know why because when its done I cant believe that I have acted that way and just didn't go with it! I panic at the time and think I can't go and lose him. Its my own selfishness for wanting him to stay. He loves me. I know this. He would do anything for me and I have a hard time believing I will find anyone else who would. 

We have talked about divorce and separation and at times he seems to be for it but then quickly changes his mind. He tell me he wants to be with me but the hurt I have put him through is more then he can bear. However the thought of losing me all together is devastating to him. He told me he doesn't know how much more he can deal with it. I get mixed signals and sometimes thinks he does want out to. I guess its whoever lets go first. I dont think he ever would no matter how much I hurt him. He even thought at first another man was in this equation and was panicking enough to say that if there was he still would try to work it out. If it were to ever end, it will be because of me. 

WHile my hubby treated me poorly, I am to blame too. I never really loved him from the beginning so I shouldn't have even continued the relationship but I did. I have lied about my feelings from the start. He still doesnt know this. I cant crush him like that. 

I am an indecisive person in nature. It takes me a long time to make a choice. I also like the idea of things but not so much the reality's which often get me into sticky situations such as this one (liked the idea of marriage and a family). But I can tell you one thing, once I have made up my mind, however long that may take, its made up for good. I still dont know what it will be or when (sigh) but once I truly commit to either choice, there will be no turning back. 

@troy... I am having hard time following you. I know marriage is work and we have to learn to communicate and thats why we are in counseling now. We plan on doing the counseling thing for a year and if I still feel nothing, then we are done. Do you have any other advice like things you have done? I want to try but it seems so hopeless which makes me want to leave now instead of dragging out the inevitable. If i could just get a spark of hope then maybe I will be in it more.


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## BoardNMom

trubie08;244953I wait for those arguments swearing I will kick him out or leave and then when he is about to leave on his own said:


> wow this sounds exactly like what I do. I just question myself everyday on the what ifs and it drives me insane. I had the chance to leave back in the summer and I really wish I would have done it for a couple months then. I think maybe a trial separation might have given me my answer. Now that I stayed I feel like if I do walk out this time there will be no chance to go back. My hubby is wise to how I feel now so he constantly questions my feelings for him and wants sex even more than he used to. I used to be upset he didn't want to do things with me and we never got a sitter or had alone time. Now he doesn't want to let me do anything alone. So I feel almost smothered. I guess that old saying "be careful what you wish for" holds true sometimes. I feel like when I do give in and we are intimate that he picks it apart and tries to analyze it and when we don't have sex he pouts and gets upset because I don't want him enough. When we do it he only wants it more. It's so frustrating now it almost seems like a chore instead of the pleasure it should be.


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## trubie08

Ok now you all are going to think I am really crazy. I had another chance today for such an easy out but didn't take it cause it didnt feel right. Heres the story:

I was gettin some underwear out of the drawer today and came across a pair I never saw. I asked the hubby who was in the room and he said he didnt know where they came from. He states maybe I picked it up at the gym. I kept lookin at them thinkin maybe back in the day I had them but cant remember. I remained calm. Hubby came back in the room and began crying cause he knew it looked bad and espicially since what we are going through he didnt want me to think he did anything wrong. I then left for school not knowing what to think

My mother had been helping out around the house last week (my baby was sick in the hospital ) and so I called her on my way to school and asked her if she happened to mix our laundry. She said no and asked why. I explained it to her and she said that she was cleaning the laundry room and saw a pair of underwear b/w the washer and dryer so she fished them out and threw them in the wash. She even told herself that I prob forgot the pair since it had a lot of dust on it. However, she couldnt remember what they looked like. 

Now this seems like a case of losing underwear and forgetting about them. The thing that bothers me is that I dont remember ever having them and they looked like they were used quite a bit. They are not my taste in underwear but also dont see how they would end up behind my dryer. We live in a new house so its not an old tenants or anything. We moved in 2 yrs ago. I keep thinking maybe and it probably is mine. I just wish I knew for sure.

SO the hubby is completely upset. I told him I believed him but feel like a fool in doing so cause I cant remember if they were mine. I really dont think he cheated on me. He also asked me if I trusted him and I told him "not to sound like a b but I have never fully trusted a single man in my life" that hurt him too. 

Right now I dont know if they are mine. Something is telling me they are but not sure if its a part of me in denial. Or maybe I am denying they are mine deep down inside cause I am secrelty lookin as this as a way out. Wish this didnt happen at a time where I have so much self confliction. SIGH.


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## Confused-Wife

Wow...the case of the mystery panties. I would freak. But just remember...this whole thing isn't about panties, or fear of cheating, or trust. It's about your lack of love for him and lack of interest in being married to him. Don't let this sidetrack your progress.

I was thinking about you earlier today. I was wondering whether you've imagined what you'd do if you leaved him? For example, I've already picked out the apartment I'd like to rent in the city that I'd like to move to (in a different state than we live in now). I've calculated my budget and talked to my direct supervisor about the possible option of a transfer. Although none of these things are groundbreaking, I was wondering if you'd done any of the same things.

I wish this were easier.


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## trubie08

Want to hear the crazy part, the underwear thing doesnt really bother me that much. I think maybe because I don't love him. Any other person would freak out and I have remained calm. I am honestly over it. Maybe cause I don't think he has cheated or maybe its that I just don't care if he did. Weird.

I have fantasized about running off. I have fantasized about moving away. I already have the finances planned out (He cant afford to keep our home but I can). I already have our daughters schedule laid out as well. If he were leave today he would be startled by how I have everything already laid out. I have the next 2 years planned out in my head. The other day he asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I told him. He was pretty upset my plans didn't include him.


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## crazygirl70

I feel like I just read my life - been married 7 yrs together 9 and 2 children. Everything you said is how I feel. I see you posted in Jan of this year - has your situation changed? Would love to know how things have progressed or if you're still in this confused mess!


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## lovemybabies

wow, I'm in the same boat here. Exactly, married 12 years this coming may and 2 small boys.

I even go to the book store to the self help and refuse to look at books that indicate saving the marriage and focus on ones that may validate my feelings. 

I too cringe if he wants to peck me on the cheek, my hubby never wanted sex with me before (4 times a year for 10 years +) but I'm still anxious at the possibility of him asking because he knows I'm disconnected. We get along great as friends though.

I'm on IC now so I hope I get the strength I need. Glad to know I'm not alone


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## Dazed&confused85

Confused-Wife said:


> I find myself wishing something would happen, anything. Something that would give me a good reason to leave. I find myself hoping that he'll cheat on me (which he'll never do), or that I would experience something traumatic which would give me an excuse.
> 
> How stupid is that?
> 
> Are these just attempts to make me feel better about being seemingly selfish? I don't know.


Wow, that sounds just like me! I have so many red flags of him cheating several years ago, and I sometimes wonder if he is now due to his attitude, but trying to catch him is extremely difficult. I almost wish he'd hit me or something (not in front of our kid) just to have an out!! It seems like we can't give ourselves permission to leave and need some external factor to push us.


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## Runs like Dog

You do seem selfish to the extent you're splashing around waiting for HIM to leave you. Why? So you can sniff the tears and feel victimized and blameless?


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## undefined

I have to say I have read your posts and everyone elses posts as well. I am in the same situation but mine is somewhat a little different. I have been married for 6 years been together for 7. We differ in age quite a bit. I have dated guys my age and have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. So I decided that I would try dating older men. I found that they treated me better and I was happier. Well I got married to my husband and at the time it was great we were intimate and did everything together. Well 3 yrs ago things started to change, (Oh and when we met I had 2 children and he had a son at home and an ex's child that left her behind). Him and my son had there issues and my son decided to move in with his dad. I feel bad still because being his mom, I should have made him stay. Anyway, the ex's daughter went to live with her grandparents, now leaving my daughter and his son. His son could never do anything wrong and my kids were bad. Nevertheless things got worse and I started to recent him for my son leaving. A lot of things happened and I have lost the love for him. Now I have just my daughter who is 17 living at home. His son moved out after a very long story of what happened. We have not been intimate AT ALL for almost 3 years now. I don't care , don't want to. He doesn't do anything anymore with me. To just sit and watch a movie is a task. I feel like I live with a friend and everyday I think to myself, could I do this one my own? Will I be happier? My daughter and him don't get along cause he is very mean to her and I tell him this all the time. He tells me she runs me but that is not true. My daughter has gone through a lot and has grown up faster than she needed to.(your asking where is her real father) Her father is married with 2 boys and wants pretty much nothing to do with her. SO it has been mom and daughter and we have grown very close. 

Ok I am getting off track and stealing your post and I am sorry. I just know the feelings you have and I can relate so much to them. I have a post out here and it explains it all to the details of why I am not happy. Take a moment to read it and I think you will surely understand where I am coming from and why.

Hope all is well. I see you have not posted in a while and hope to hear that things are better for you.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Brewster 59 said:


> So I was wondering just what is this love you are talking about? I always thought love was a choice, a commitment, not a feeling. The giddy feeling that one has when they first meet someone never lasts.
> 
> Emotions are fickle but if you are truley unhappy I guess something got to change but rest assured being a single parent is a VERY tough job.


That's the problem, I don't think people have any idea what love is, they seem to think everyday is going to be lollypops and unicorns like when they were dating. I'm beginning to think much of the world is emotionally stunted at the level of a 16 years old. 

How a spouse who has been with a person for years, thorough deaths and births and life's challenges can be dumped because they don't dance the tango with you everyday is sickening. There were lots of times I was not happy in my marriage, but I realized much of it was not the fault of my spouse, but simply life challenges.


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## jhult

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> That's the problem, I don't think people have any idea what love is, they seem to think everyday is going to be lollypops and unicorns like when they were dating. I'm beginning to think much of the world is emotionally stunted at the level of a 16 years old.
> 
> How a spouse who has been with a person for years, thorough deaths and births and life's challenges can be dumped because they don't dance the tango with you everyday is sickening. There were lots of times I was not happy in my marriage, but I realized much of it was not the fault of my spouse, but simply life challenges.


You need to call my wife and tell her that. In our 11 years together, we have been through the death of my grandfather, whom she cared for in the hospital and he told her she was going to marry me, death of her grandmother soon after, death of our daughter days before birth that my wife still feels guilty for, all kinds of health issues with her, and then most recently, the death of my mother in February. We also have two beautiful kids together and great jobs. Now all of a sudden she doesn't love me anymore? Are you serious?


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## alphaomega

For all you ladies that don't love your husband anymore, I have a foolproof solution.

It's called divorce.

Many different back stories but a common theme. You don't want to leave, and it's ok to remain and resent your husband. Most likely no intimacy. No sex. No communication.

This is not fair to you. But it's also grossly unjust to your husband. Let him go so you can both find happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73

alphaomega said:


> *For all you ladies that don't love your husband anymore, I have a foolproof solution.
> 
> It's called divorce.*
> Many different back stories but a common theme. You don't want to leave, and it's ok to remain and resent your husband. Most likely no intimacy. No sex. No communication.
> 
> This is not fair to you. But it's also grossly unjust to your husband. Let him go so you can both find happiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I'd rather be dumped than to have my partner "do me a favor" by sticking around and being miserable all of the time.


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## that_girl

No one can make you happy.

That comes from within you.


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## Opulant

This is the first time I am posting on this site even though I have been on here a while, I just got so angry with the person claiming about people not working hard enough on their love... 

Love is suppose to be beautiful and a wonderful feeling to have for someone not labour...

I have a daughter of a 1 year and 11 months and I don't have to work to love her or want to be with her want to share my joy and happiness with her ...yeah sure when you in a relationship with someone and you start out it will be all butterflies, Lollipops and unicorns but then that fades away but yet you still want to be with that person cause you feel safe you feel happy you feel warm you want to just be around or in the presence of that person and I can go on about why love should be a joy and not labour.

I am unhappily married to a man for close to 3 years and have been unhappily married 2 and a half years that I no longer love respect and everything else that goes with being in a marriage and found out 4 days ago that he has been cheating on me and I did not feel any sort of hurt which is scary but felt more embarrassed and angry because everybody knew about it but me. 

So this is my motto I will not stay in this marriage unless cupid shoots about a million bows threw my heart and can change my feelings and my emotions. I will not stay for my daughter I would rather her grow up in a happy home with one parent then in a miserable and unhappy home with both. I have only one life to live and I refuse to live it unhappily 

So what I am Saying is LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HARD WORK people...


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## Dazed&confused85

Soccerfan73 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'd rather be dumped than to have my partner "do me a favor" by sticking around and being miserable all of the time.


Tried this by telling my husband several years ago that I no longer wanted to be with him, but his reply was that he didn't want the marriage to end. I ended up feeling guilty and staying. Some people don't want to be dumped apparently.


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## calif_hope

Regarding your plans.....just remember that in divorce as in combat even the best plans go out the window when the shooting starts or the lawyers get to work........plans made by yourself in this situation are fantasy.....be ready for that and be flexible if you decide to make your move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

Opulant said:


> This is the first time I am posting on this site even though I have been on here a while, I just got so angry with the person claiming about people not working hard enough on their love...
> 
> Love is suppose to be beautiful and a wonderful feeling to have for someone not labour...
> 
> I have a daughter of a 1 year and 11 months and I don't have to work to love her or want to be with her want to share my joy and happiness with her ...yeah sure when you in a relationship with someone and you start out it will be all butterflies, Lollipops and unicorns but then that fades away but yet you still want to be with that person cause you feel safe you feel happy you feel warm you want to just be around or in the presence of that person and I can go on about why love should be a joy and not labour.
> 
> I am unhappily married to a man for close to 3 years and have been unhappily married 2 and a half years that I no longer love respect and everything else that goes with being in a marriage and found out 4 days ago that he has been cheating on me and I did not feel any sort of hurt which is scary but felt more embarrassed and angry because everybody knew about it but me.
> 
> So this is my motto I will not stay in this marriage unless cupid shoots about a million bows threw my heart and can change my feelings and my emotions. I will not stay for my daughter I would rather her grow up in a happy home with one parent then in a miserable and unhappy home with both. I have only one life to live and I refuse to live it unhappily
> 
> So what I am Saying is LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HARD WORK people...


Your husband sounds awful, but, you will never be able to love anyone long term if you don't dump the bitterness and resentment that exists in your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cgh

i have thoughts about leaving, but have not yet made a decision. My found out about a fetish i had kept secret, long story and quite the mess. we have kids and allt he family know ( she ensured i told everyone ) but i asked would she have left me if we had no kids, her response was that its a question she cant answer beacuse we do have kids.......
I feel the same way now, i'm just not in love with my wife anymore. its a horrible feeling right now. been to MC and that has shown me that i dont love her. I'm just finding it hard to communicate this to her.


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## undefined

I understand what everyone is saying about when your relationship first starts out that it is all lollipops and unicorns, and after time that it is not the same. I also understand that things change through out the years you are together. Yes, working on love should not be hard, but if you really want the truth, it is hard when the love is gone. I am not saying that I am upset with my husband because we do not do the things that we used to do, but he is not the same person. I have been with him for 8 years and for the first 4 or so years we used to communicate, we never argued, we always worked together on issues with in the home, and he never treated me like I was an obligation. Now there is no communication, no sex, tons of arguing over stupid petty **** that should not be even an argument. Love is hard work but when there is nothing there, not even love; it is something that is sometimes not worth fighting for. I have 2 children, my husband is not the father to them, and my son moved out when he was 16 because he hated my husband. Now I have a daughter that is turning 18 and she hates him as well. They hate the way he has been treating them and the way he talks to them. He acts like they are a problem and like he doesn’t want either of them around. This is what I believe he is trying to do because he does not want to be obligated to help them in any way.

So with this all said, yeah sometimes love is something you have to work hard at and fight for but when it all comes down to it, when is it really worth the fight. There are so many situations out there that unless you are in them, it is hard for you to speak on them. I find it hard everyday to even have to be in the same house as him because I have a lot of resentment toward him for my son moving out. He treated him terrible and I should have done something then, but now with it happening with my daughter, I have to make a decision.

Do I want to continue on in a relationship that I have hatred in, or do I want to move on and let us both try to find happiness? Oh and also too as for my husband, he is someone that I believe is meant to be alone because he does not want to have to be obligated to someone and their kids. He has a son that is 28, and he is, in his eyes, a perfect angel even though he really isn’t. He is only willing to take care of him and does not want to be bothered with anyone else. He has been pretty much making me and my daughter feel like an obligation that he does not want to have.


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## angelpixie

Actually, sometimes love is hard work. And it doesn't matter if it's a SO or your child. Making sacrifices, even for someone you love, is hard work. Keeping a commitment such as marriage vows is hard work. Infatuation is easy. The head-over-heels phase is easy. Getting hooked is easy. Maintaining the relationship when the going gets rough is not easy, even if there is love there. 

I'm not speaking about your particular situations, Opulent and Undefined, but just speaking to the idea both of you expressed that love shouldn't be hard work. The commitment part of love definitely requires work from both parties or it will not last.


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## undefined

Angelpixie, I agree, marriage and love are hard work and you have to have both parties involved. I feel that I try harder than he does. He doesn't seem to care how the marriage is. It is like he is comfortable how it is and doesn’t care if there are any changes at all. Maybe that is why I have a hard time with working at it anymore.
I don’t even want to consider counseling because there are a lot of things that I have not told him about how I feel. I want to be able to tell him before we ever consider counseling. I think I am going to do the counseling on my own first and then see where that goes for me. I know that he loves me, this is not the issue, but he never shows that he does. I mean come on buying me things because you know or think that I might like what you bought is not how a marriage should be. Materialistic things do not at all make a marriage. It just seems like I am an obligation for him that he doesn’t want to be bothered with anymore. 
I just went on vacation for 10 days and I have to say that I really did not miss being home or around him, or miss him for that matter. I know that is showing me something, like I can be with out him and not care. I am just so lonely and unhappy, and yes sex is not everything in a marriage but there is not a bit of intimacy at all in our marriage. I have showed up at his work and there is no one there that I need to be worried about, so I know that he is not cheating physically but emotionally maybe. I know you are thinking what do I mean by emotionally, well he flirts all the time, and I also know that he cheated on his ex wife because she kept accusing him of it. That is not a reason to cheat but he did it. I am now thinking that he does not want to physically cheat but he does it emotionally with women at his first job. I think he thoroughly enjoys flirting with other women, but he does not flirt with me at all like he does with these other women.


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## angelpixie

undefined said:


> I think I am going to do the counseling on my own first and then see where that goes for me.





undefined said:


> I just went on vacation for 10 days and I have to say that I really did not miss being home or around him, or miss him for that matter. I know that is showing me something, like I can be with out him and not care. I am just so lonely and unhappy, and yes sex is not everything in a marriage but there is not a bit of intimacy at all in our marriage. I have showed up at his work and there is no one there that I need to be worried about, so I know that he is not cheating physically but emotionally maybe. I know you are thinking what do I mean by emotionally, well he flirts all the time, and I also know that he cheated on his ex wife because she kept accusing him of it. That is not a reason to cheat but he did it. I am now thinking that he does not want to physically cheat but he does it emotionally with women at his first job. I think he thoroughly enjoys flirting with other women, but he does not flirt with me at all like he does with these other women.


I think going to counseling by yourself is a great idea! It will definitely help you sort out your feelings -- do you have any love left down inside that you might want to work on? Are you staying out of a feeling of obligation or...whatever -- I've been in IC for almost a year and a half and in a support group for about 5 months. Both have been invaluable.

And yes, I know exactly what you mean by emotional affair. STBXH insists he never 'cheated' on me, but he only defines that by physical sex. OTOH, he had (at last count) about 5 serious emotional affairs (some more serious just for him, and some definitely mutual with the OW) while we were dating and married -- and has now started dating the last EA partner. It can be very painful to know that your husband can work up all kinds of flirting and nice and fun behavior with other women and not with you. 

I hope you can find someone soon that will be able to help you out.


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## undefined

I don’t think there is any kind of love that can be salvageable. I mean I love him but not in love with him. With that said when I say I love him means he is not a jerk but I love him as a person but not in love if that makes any sense. I have been thinking about moving on for many years now and everyday it seems that I would be happier if I did. I have not contacted anyone as in IC but I plan on it. I have other things going on right now and need to get them under control and then plan to get the IC under way.
I guess in some ways I am a bit confused on how to go about my marriage. I don’t want to stay with him because of feeling obligated, but I think that might be kind of how I feel in a way. He has not much family left (both parents have passed away), no brothers or sisters and really no real friends. All he has is his son. I guess part of me feels obligated because he has no one else in his life, but I can not stay on just those feelings because he is a grown man that can do it on his own.

The flirting thing gets me upset because it seems like he can be kind and flirtatious with other women but not someone that he claims to be so in love with. It makes my self esteem drop more that it already has. I feel unattractive all the time, which is making me feel like I have to be a certain way for him to notice me, even though I really do not care if he does. I don't want that. I mean we sleep in the same bed but he under his covers and me under my covers, Yes we have seperate covers.


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## synthetic

Ok, seems like no one wanted to take the beating here, so here I volunteer once again.

All you lovely ladies who are so passionately expressing your divine and sudden urge to betray your marriage vows:

The chances of any of you finding happiness outside your current marriage are very slim. Time and again we witness exact replicas of your cases ending in huge regrets and a lifetime of unanswered questions. 

Some of you have children. Believe what you want, but they will grow to resent every bit of you for the unwanted changes you introduce to their lives. This is not temporary. They will continue to be discomforted by your decision to break their family home well into their mid 40s. If you want to believe otherwise, then that's your choice, but most definitely a selfish and naive one.

The husbands you're so bizarrely "out of love" with, will most definitely find some firm ground to stand on and move on to become excellent partners for other women who are always one step ahead of you because they either learned their lesson or are just not as lost as you are. You will most likely feel the pain of their contentment and your continuous confusion for the rest of your lives. I'm not making this up. Just look around this forum without being selective about what you want to read and you'll notice many interesting trends that may snap you out of your little fantasy.

Happiness is not a package God put in your husbands' pocket to deliver to you after the wedding. You just missed out on it when it was getting distributed while "life" was happening. Hell you probably made your husband miss it too. 

Let the bombardment begin


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## angelpixie

undefined said:


> I mean we sleep in the same bed but he under his covers and me under my covers, Yes we have seperate covers.


Not every couple can fit the ideal of two lovers cozily spooning under shared blankets all night -- and that's OK. That in itself is not a red flag. People have different sleeping styles just as with everything else. STBXH and I tried sharing covers, and were NEVER able to do it from the very first time we slept together. We're both 'cocooners' and one of us would always end up with no blanket while the other one was swaddled, LOL. We just shared them when it was important to. 

This is another example of why a neutral 3rd party, like a counselor, will be really helpful. Sometimes, when a person has pretty much made a decision, it's really easy to only see incidences, habits, etc., as ways to back up that decision. It may very well be more work for you to try to salvage your marriage than it would be to walk out on it. 

Nobody can force you to stay. But to think that you'd always feel the same way as you did on your wedding day throughout the whole of your married life is just not reality. It's very well established that all long-term relationships go through stages. If your husband is willing to work on the things about him that bother you, don't you think you owe it to him to give him a chance at it? Perhaps there are reasons he finds it easier to flirt with co-workers than with you, just as you find it easier to leave than to stay married to him. 
It's worth it to check it out.


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## thankfulone

trubie08 said:


> Thats the thing, my hubby has improved so much. I just seem to not be able to accept it. I think I have shut myself emotionally from him. My hubby is still upset over the situation. Now every arguement we get into he throws the fact that I dont even love him in my face. Then the next minute he is trying to swoon on me.
> 
> I am still confused on what to do. Everyone around me tells me I need to try and work this out for our daughter and while I agree I shouldnt jump into anything quite yet, I still cant help but be selfish and think about my happiness. SIgh.


OMG! We should start a club! 'Cause I feel the exact same way! Do something already so I can kick you out of my life. Stop trying to make up for time that has already passed. Piss me off so that I can walk away without guilt.


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## Jayb

This post is what scares the crap out of me if I ever become foolish enough to get into a relationship with another woman.

It's close to what my wife has told me. Sometime ago, the feeling died and she only stayed out of guilt or for the children, etc. Any attempt by me to admit mistakes, improve me, etc. is met with a blank stare.

I will never again be fooled by a woman who says she loves me, or acts so, but inside is hollow.


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## angelpixie

Jayb - it's not 'women.' It can be either gender. I went through this exact thing with STBXH. It leaves me confused, too. I feel afraid to give myself whole-heartedly to a new relationship like I did to this marriage. I feel like it will hurt less when it eventually falls apart. But I know that attitude in itself will contribute to that happening. 
I've come to believe that we really will only be OK when we can get to a point where we love ourselves. That way we will be able to give freely, or accept and move on when it doesn't work out without it killing us.


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## LexusNexus

This is such sad topic, because it describes my life, please excuse me for my English. I been with my wife since I was 16, I am now 30. Since the day one I loved my wife more then anything else. Everybody saw that. My parents divorced when I was 4, I didn't see them until I was 27. I made myself a promise I will do no matter what to save my marriage. I got married when I was 25. My wife didn't work even a day until she was 27. I managed to buy a house and brand new SUV every 3 years for her. Every 2 month I would take her shopping. I know you cant buy happiness with money but all I tried to do to give her life I never had. When my son was born I was waking up every morning so she can sleep until 8 and until 11 am on the weekends. I was begging her to talk or to go on the date nights, marriage counseling, vacation. She refused. I lost my patience I start yelling at her and saying stuff I never meant. Its my fault and I truly regret this. After our last fight she completely changed she start being more affectionate, sex almost doubled. I couldn't thank her enough, but it only lasted 11 month. November 4, 2011 the day I came home after the surgery on my knee. She told that I don't love you anymore I am tired of pretending that she loves me. She said I lost my feelings towards you 4 years ago when I our son was born. I ask her what did I do she said it would be easier if you did something wrong, but you didn't. That day I got up and left the pain I experienced was greater then the pain from my knee. I tried to get her back for 3 month but her mind was set. She didn't give me any chance and took the wedding ring off the same month. The same wedding ring she ask me to upgrade from 1k to 2karrats knowing that she is not in love. We all make mistakes, because we all humans. Only loving person is willing to forgive.

If you know 100% its over just say it ITS OVER AND DONT GIVE HIM ANY CHANCE. He will be in pain, but soon he will realize like me that you never loved him. After suffering thru the pain I finally realized you cannot keep somebody hostage for their feelings. Now I am doing extremely well, financially and emotionally.


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## soconfused1984

omg!!!! story of my life here!! my story is almost the same! my husband has changed alot for good, but i no loner love him!!!! Im tired of faking it too every single day, but you actually went a step further and actually said to him, I can't still get to that phase =S too scared to hurt him, and my child...


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## WasDecimated

that_girl said:


> No one can make you happy.
> 
> That comes from within you.


This :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

I feel this is the origin of the problem...the rest are symptoms.

We can't rely on others to make us happy. We must find that within us first. The externals should only be additional icing on the cake. People that rely on others for happiness are doomed to be unhappy eventually. Others can only provide it for a short time. If you rely on others you will end up in the same position as you are now even if it's with someone new. You can switch partners but you carry with you all of your internal and FOO issues.

Also, You get what you give.


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## soconfused1984

OK so let me allow my husband to step all over me because he's not the problem, i am for not wanting to be happy with that =) ....lmao!!!


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