# Letter to my wife....



## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

I know that this is probably pointless but you have left me with this pain and I will explain what it feels like. I am filled with memories. Longing for times past when we shared amazing things. Images of walking the streets of Dublin together and hiking the Rockies. Climbing through a church in Brussels, holding your hand in a gondola in Italy, sitting by a campfire making smores with the kids and driving cross country to be by your side when Bobby died. Just the thoughts of the things I have shared with the woman I loved for 14 years. Because I think of beautiful moments like when our children were born and then I think of some hairy dong being shoved into you from behind and beer breath being blown in your face. 14 years. You chose a classless fling over me. Us. Our family. The sad thing is that you have robbed me of those memories and all I will remember of you is your choice to turn your back on us instead of fighting for us. You have stolen my dreams and left me with a hole. We will never stand arm in arm watching our family eat Christmas dinner or hold hands while the grand children play in the sprinkler. You have robbed me of that future. I mourn what we could have been. I will rebuild and move on. I will be happy again and with time I may find love, but what you have never let yourself hear is that I wanted to be happy with you. I loved you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I like it.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

That is sad and sweet. I would send it maybe with a picture of the family when it was going good.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

I have never been someone who cries. I have when people died but not much else. Now I find myself sitting in my garage so I don't wake the kids sobbing like a baby. I have been for 45 minutes this time. I sent it to her with a picture. She should check it tomorrow.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Harden1313 said:


> I have never been someone who cries. I have when people died but not much else. Now I find myself sitting in my garage so I don't wake the kids sobbing like a baby. I have been for 45 minutes this time. I sent it to her with a picture. She should check it tomorrow.


I understand.

There a gaping hole in your heart and THE person you counted on has been a serial betrayer. Your life has taken a major hit. 

Feel the hurt. Let it out. And next time when you find someone to marry make more certain it's mutual.

This is actually worse than someone dying. They have murdered you, the kids and the family and never care to know what they have done.

So let go and move forward the best you can.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

We know your pain. I feel bad for you. Do not let her manipulate you again.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Harden,

Vent here.
Find solace.
Harden yourself for your own sake and kids.
Emerge much more stronger......


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Good people damaged by selfish acts. I wish you strength Harden to get through these dark days. It will take time but one day you will wake up and the pain will not have control over you. The betrayal will not be so deeply felt and you will be able to genuinely remember good times without bitter sadness. Best wishes to you Harden.

Horizon


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Four years ago she cheated on me the first time. It was with a couple and I bought her lies. I fell for the "You weren't giving me enough love" lie and the bull about it not getting out of the planning phase. That destroyed me and I never got over it. I tried but I couldn't. I just always felt that it really happened and that she never truly felt remorse. I stayed for the kids then and since I have been miserable. The last four years have been full of mistrust, suspicion and pain. Now with this second PA/EA I suspect there were probably more that I never knew about. She is a sick person. She is addicted to feeling like the victim and finding whatever she feels she needs in the arms of another person. We have lived an amazing adventure. Lived all over the world and have three beautiful children. I will never know how many times she has done this and some of the pain comes from knowing that even if this was the only time she has lost every ounce of credibility. The first thought associated with her in my mind will always be this. Not the mother of my children or the friend who shared my life and adventures. A cheater who chose a beer bellied smooth talker over her family.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Green Day - F.O.D. lyrics - YouTube

A song for the cheated


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She had a threesome the first time ? She is definitely a serial cheater from the looks of it and what you found out is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She had a threesome the first time ? She is definitely a serial cheater from the looks of it and what you found out is just the tip of the iceberg.


I would like to know everything but I'm not going to torture myself by pouring over years of phone records and junk. The Office of Special Investigations is digging into it. They are combing her work emails, interviewing and the like. If there has been anything else in the last year and a half since we got stationed here then they should find it. Maybe I will even find out that info, who knows but right now I am trying to keep my **** together and take this one step at a time. Spend time with the kids, fold laundry, get answers for legal questions and lean on friends a bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Is it normal, even if you think you are making the right moves, to have doubt? To think about reconciling despite obvious signs that this cheater has and will do this again? To keep running the events over in my head and finding more and more holes? To imagine the consummation and subsequent PA/EA like you were a fly on the wall? I think part of my brain has broken.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Maybe this is all part of the mourning process. Your heart is still filled with the family and marriage your COULD have had, but your head knows the truth. It takes some time for those two parts to communicate effectively again. They will. This is a huge change in your life and the lives of the kids and every decent person longs to make sure they are making the right decision. I'm pretty sure you already know.
Many hugs.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Harden1313 said:


> Is it normal, even if you think you are making the right moves, to have doubt? To think about reconciling despite obvious signs that this cheater has and will do this again? To keep running the events over in my head and finding more and more holes? To imagine the consummation and subsequent PA/EA like you were a fly on the wall? I think part of my brain has broken.


I went through this myself. You fear the unknown because the life you have, as messed up as it is, seems better than the life you know nothing about. Your life will be what you make it, and it will get better. She chose to throw it away, not you, so you must not feel guilty.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hard. Cheaters have a script. There is a script for you too. Understand as a man you have TWO parts of you that have been shredded not one. Your heart AND your ego. Rough time line which varies for every man. I am assuming you are roughly 34.
1) You divorce. File soonish and final in 6 mos.
2) 1 month out you hit a house party flirt with a girl. nothing else but it feels damn good
3) 1.5 months out you flirt at another house party, talk her up, she simply offers no resistance and you fvck her in your car. You feel MUCH better because your ego went from near 0% to around 60% in the time it took from talking to shooting your load.
4) 2 mos. Another hookup. Ego now at 80%. With ego largely repaired heart will follow
5) 6 mos. Heart at 60%. While certainly not great you feel much better
blah blah
10) 2 years. You marry Mrs Hardin v2.0. A non defective model with loyalty.

Live a FULL life and for most men that means eventually having someone to share it with. 

It will be HER you watch your grandchildren with. Just have faith that it WILL happen. You dont even know her name yet and certainly you are not ready.

Since you have lost those future images. Let me suggest a few future images to replace them with Mrs Harden v2.0. Think on THESE instead.
1) First date when you get that feeling of "This girl has... possibilities"
2) First I love yous and the super intense wonderful sex that happens that night.
3) You watch her walk down the aisle toward you for your second and LAST time being married. This one sticks.

ignore the person below that always chimes in and says she will cheat on you too. Live a FULL life. That means taking chances on love.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

She'll cheat on.....


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

People who want to send a letter to their WS should take good example of this. This is the best one I have seen so far.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Harden1313 said:


> I would like to know everything but I'm not going to torture myself by pouring over years of phone records and junk. The Office of Special Investigations is digging into it. They are combing her work emails, interviewing and the like. If there has been anything else in the last year and a half since we got stationed here then they should find it. Maybe I will even find out that info, who knows but right now I am trying to keep my **** together and take this one step at a time. Spend time with the kids, fold laundry, get answers for legal questions and lean on friends a bit.


Yep, just a total waste of time.

Was it coworker that she cheated with the first time too ?


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

No, before it was a guy at school. He started chatting to her, said his girlfriend had bipolar too....the two girls chatted and then eventually PA. No idea now how many times this has happened. I added some pics so you have a face to go with these venting sessions everyone.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Harden1313 said:


> I know that this is probably pointless but you have left me with this pain and I will explain what it feels like. I am filled with memories. Longing for times past when we shared amazing things. Images of walking the streets of Dublin together and hiking the Rockies. Climbing through a church in Brussels, holding your hand in a gondola in Italy, sitting by a campfire making smores with the kids and driving cross country to be by your side when Bobby died. Just the thoughts of the things I have shared with the woman I loved for 14 years. Because I think of beautiful moments like when our children were born and then I think of some hairy dong being shoved into you from behind and beer breath being blown in your face. 14 years. You chose a classless fling over me. Us. Our family. The sad thing is that you have robbed me of those memories and all I will remember of you is your choice to turn your back on us instead of fighting for us. You have stolen my dreams and left me with a hole. We will never stand arm in arm watching our family eat Christmas dinner or hold hands while the grand children play in the sprinkler. You have robbed me of that future. I mourn what we could have been. I will rebuild and move on. I will be happy again and with time I may find love, but what you have never let yourself hear is that I wanted to be happy with you. I loved you.


Good grief, this is heart breaking and hits home. I'm so sorry - I feel your pain.

You will heal and be happy - happier even.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Hard. Cheaters have a script. There is a script for you too. Understand as a man you have TWO parts of you that have been shredded not one. Your heart AND your ego. Rough time line which varies for every man. I am assuming you are roughly 34.
> 1) You divorce. File soonish and final in 6 mos.
> 2) 1 month out you hit a house party flirt with a girl. nothing else but it feels damn good
> 3) 1.5 months out you flirt at another house party, talk her up, she simply offers no resistance and you fvck her in your car. You feel MUCH better because your ego went from near 0% to around 60% in the time it took from talking to shooting your load.
> ...


I love this! Very inspirational - and true.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are hear brother. The pain is real and the depth of your loss is something you just cannot explain to another person. What steps are you taking to take care of yourself?

I hope you have seen a Dr and where checked for STD's, get into IC for yourself. Have you told your family and hers. It needs to be done if you have not done so yet.

In my IC I was asked to write a letter to my wife about my pain, loss and anger. It really helped. The letter that really helped me with my anger was the letter I wrote to that POS OM.

Stay strong for your kids and take care of yourself.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

IC? i have no idea most of the initialisms. Is there code? hahaha!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

IC = Individual Counselor

BTW, you are a very good-looking man. Your W's a fool. You'll get past the heartbreak and find someone loyal. That's a certainty.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Well thank you Alte Dame. 

I come from a town of 1,400 people in upstate NY and she is from LA. I think I'm going local next time. Hahahahaha! 

Side note, my three year old is very delayed in speech and has been in school for special needs. He just won't talk. Normal in every other respect. Well tonight he said "Thank you very much dadda" AND "Goodnight everyone". He has almost never used more than one word at a time and NEVER more than two together. My wife wasn't here for it because of this. She is in a dorm on base with a no contact order thrown on her by her command. She read my proud post on Face Book I'm sure. That must gut her knowing she wasn't here.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

mahike said:


> Sorry you are hear brother. The pain is real and the depth of your loss is something you just cannot explain to another person. What steps are you taking to take care of yourself?
> 
> I hope you have seen a Dr and where checked for STD's, get into IC for yourself. Have you told your family and hers. It needs to be done if you have not done so yet.
> 
> ...


Right now I'm just starting to eat again. I've lost about 5-10 pounds and I was already thin. I have a counselor and have spoken with her. As for the STD test I am working on it. I can't go on base cause she works at the lab.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harden1313 said:


> Well thank you Alte Dame.
> 
> I come from a town of 1,400 people in upstate NY and she is from LA. I think I'm going local next time. Hahahahaha!
> 
> Side note, my three year old is very delayed in speech and has been in school for special needs. He just won't talk. Normal in every other respect. Well tonight he said "Thank you very much dadda" AND "Goodnight everyone". He has almost never used more than one word at a time and NEVER more than two together. My wife wasn't here for it because of this. She is in a dorm on base with a no contact order thrown on her by her command. She read my proud post on Face Book I'm sure. That must gut her knowing she wasn't here.


I lived in upstate NY for over 20 years & it is one of my very favorite places to be. I still miss the summers a lot & would welcome a beautiful snowfall. If your family and friends are there, you will probably find it easier to detach from your WW, which is very good for you right now.

And kudos to your little boy. Many kids are delayed in speech and do just fine as they get older. I work with students with issues like that and I see their success every day.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

So sorry you are here. I know how you feel a hole in your heart and one in your soul. But you will feel better with time. Look at the 180 thread and do this for yourself. You can speed up your healing by doing the 180. Hope this helps but you will find a lot of friends who are willing to help you get past this here on TAM.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Holy crap....read the newbie info. Fog...gaslighting....mind movies...trickle truth....blame shifting......god....it's like a fricking script of my nightmare.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

In the 180 it says to oust them to their friend on Facebook and the like. Where is the template for that and really? Is that smart? i mean it seems like divorce is a given. Wouldn't I want to have someone that is less pissed at me to go through this?


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Well now I know what to call why I can't eat, why I am losing weight, why I can't think straight, why I am spending every SINGLE second of the day obsessing about this, why I can't sleep, why I have bags under my eyes, why I can't hold any other thought in my head aside from this A and wy i keep jumping from one certain full proof decision to a completely different one every half hour. Limbo. I'm completely and utterly lost, confused, overstimulated, under cared for and fuc*ing going crazy. My eyes are getting sunk into my skull, my ribs are showing and I feel like I am sick.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You NEED to take care of yourself. If not for you, then for your children. Get some Ensure and energy bars. Eat on a schedule and force some calories down at the scheduled times. Keep yourself hydrated and stay away from alcohol if you can. Do deep breathing to calm your body. One of the posters here went through a terrible ordeal with his WW and kept repeating to himself, 'I deserve good things.'

You're only in limbo if you're not decided on a divorce. Is that where you are? If so, ask yourself what you want your life to look like 5 years from now. If you reconcile with your WW, it will most probably be more of the same betrayal. Try to envision your future.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

I have been drink free for a year and thankfully I'm solid in my recovery. I am set on divorce, I am just afraid. I have been a stay at home dad for 9 years. I know what to do but I am scared. I hate this feeling. I'm not a weak man but this has made me second guess every move I make. I can't afford a lawyer, I fear i will be hosed in the settlement, I am afraid they will give her custody of the kids because i don't have a job and i will lose my babies. My only place to go is home with parents....at 33. They are alcoholics but still drinking which threatens my sobriety too. Every crack self doubt can fit through it has. 

The best was when she screamed at me over the phone from the mental ward "I have supported you for 9 years!! You think you can support the kids all on your own you piece of sh**!!?? You won't get any alimony because you have verbally abused me!! That's why I cheated because you were a jerk!! I haven't loved you for years!! And the recording (wen I recorded her confession) was under duress so it doesn't mean ****!!" 

That's my life today. Watching my three year old run out into the yard after she drove away yesterday after getting clothes. Reading a story to my daughter at bedtime when she asks me why mommy is so mean to me. Feeling like this affair has turned me into a crazy person who is too busy wrapped up in misery to be the dad i usually am. Frack. I need to sleep.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Harden1313 said:


> I have been drink free for a year and thankfully I'm solid in my recovery. I am set on divorce, I am just afraid. I have been a stay at home dad for 9 years. I know what to do but I am scared. I hate this feeling. I'm not a weak man but this has made me second guess every move I make. I can't afford a lawyer, I fear i will be hosed in the settlement, I am afraid they will give her custody of the kids because i don't have a job and i will lose my babies. My only place to go is home with parents....at 33. They are alcoholics but still drinking which threatens my sobriety too. Every crack self doubt can fit through it has.
> 
> The best was when she screamed at me over the phone from the mental ward "I have supported you for 9 years!! You think you can support the kids all on your own you piece of sh**!!?? You won't get any alimony because you have verbally abused me!! That's why I cheated because you were a jerk!! I haven't loved you for years!! And the recording (wen I recorded her confession) was under duress so it doesn't mean ****!!"
> 
> That's my life today. Watching my three year old run out into the yard after she drove away yesterday after getting clothes. Reading a story to my daughter at bedtime when she asks me why mommy is so mean to me. Feeling like this affair has turned me into a crazy person who is too busy wrapped up in misery to be the dad i usually am. Frack. I need to sleep.


Keep recording her verbal poison. Make no legal assumptions whether her duress has any bearing on their value, that is for an attorney to decide and advise you. Speaking of attorney have you reached yet out for any legal advice as in free clinics? You are making assumptions about settlements without actually having any legal advice. As stated earlier surely the armed forces have resources for service member spouses in family crises.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude they give kids to crack moms sometimes. YOU WILL NOT LOSE YOUR KIDS!

SAHD is a bad place to be long term. Get back into the work world. Yes I know its hard.

If you are poor and can prove it, look for pro bono. I think there are QUITE A FEW lawyers that would take YOU up pro bono or stupid cheap.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Manpower or Kelly Services. That is one way to get back into the working world.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Document, document, document. It will all help should she actually fight for custody, which I kind of doubt. Having to take care of the kids would crimp her time with OM. 
Keep a journal of your daily routine with the kids. Wake, dress, feed, activities. Everything, This will show a court the extent of your involvement in the lives of your children. Also, her mental stability will obviously impact any custody issue.
Start small with work, but get out there. 
Remember you are the only stable parental figure your children have. Your little one heard how mom bad mouthed you, do not let her hear anything bad come out of your mouth. Years from now they will thank you.


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## committed1217 (May 18, 2013)

So sorry you are dealing with all of this. I just wanted to suggest that you go to some AA or Al Anon meetings. They will help you stay focused on working on yourself. You need to take care of you to successfully take care of your kids. As you get stronger you will be able to make better decisions and will appear very capable of looking after your children when custody is decided. You may not need AA, but the Al Anon meetings will give you support and teach you how to detach from your wife and all her issues, and also help you deal with your parents should you need their support.
Take care of yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harden1313 said:


> You think you can support the kids all on your own...??


Yes, of course you can support your kids on your own. Women all over the world who have stayed at home do it all the time. Of course you can do this. You get a job, find childcare and go from there. It's not easy, but you do it.



Harden1313 said:


> I can't afford a lawyer, I fear i will be hosed in the settlement, I am afraid they will give her custody of the kids because i don't have a job and i will lose my babies. My only place to go is home with parents....at 33. They are alcoholics but still drinking which threatens my sobriety too. Every crack self doubt can fit through it has.


Your W is mentally unstable and unfaithful. She has been hospitalized for her mental instability. You have every right to assume you will get custody. Proceed from that assumption and find strength in it.

You will stay sober for your children, right? If you are going to your parents & they are alcoholics, be determined to stay with them for as short a time as possible. Get your own place asap. And shop around for a lawyer. What state are you filing in?

Try to attack one thing at a time. Thinking of all the possibilities is overwhelming you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Holy crap, friend. Don't let this woman determine your self worth. Look to your beautiful kids, and focus on them. Focus on positive things in your life. It may be hard to FIND positive things, but truly, there always are. Going through this tends to make you focus on all that's effed up. She obviously isn't going to help you change that view. She's become toxic to you. 

Remember who you are. Be strong. Let yourself vent, then use your anger to stiffen up your spine again and give yourSELF respect. 

This works for me. I hope it can help you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Man, I feel your pain. How can she be so cruel? As others have said - you need to focus on you so you can be strong for yourself and your kids. Don't let her bluff you with her BS. She's a manipulator. Remember who the bad guy is here - not you. That in itself should give you strength. You are a moral and good man. There is power to be drawn from that. Really. Use it.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

I have been in AA for 11 months. Sponsor, steps, meetings, home group...the whole shabang. Getting a million letters from friend to show i have all the support in NY and then some. My sobriety is solid and i have AA contacts back home and meeting lists. All good. I'll actually be open to sponsoring someone in a few months. Helping them will help me too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Harden. You have the CWI TAM army behind you. You will never meet most of us but we are behind you.

BTW see your doctor. You wont be his first "My wife is having an affair" guy. He can help.


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

I have a t-con in to talk with the doc. My wife is a leader at the base hospital so I have to kind of back door this so I'm not going into the blood lab SHE runs to get my bloos drawn. I also asked for a sleep aid or anxiety med


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Yep we've been there buddy. 

First moments are like an explosion in your head of fear and anger. After that dies down you're left with hating her one minute and missing the next. You can't believe they did this. You wonder if they love you and the kids. If they ever loved you and the kids. 

Your spouse dies AND betrays you all in one twisted moment. The person you'll look at will seem like your wife if your wife had a twin. It's like they look they should be your wife, but deep down you know you never knew her at all. This is your fake reality crashing down around you. It'll be replaced by the real thing, don't worry. 

But the shock waves slow down, and the dips and valleys start to even out over time. It took me about 4 months before i stopped bouncing around. Rage, depression..I even had emotional "highs" where i felt like a million bucks. 

You'll go through all of this and you WILL be okay.

You cannot reason with cheaters, they're addicted to the chemicals. You can't "nice" them into something. You can't use logic or reason. All you can do is look out for you and your kids. they will NEVER understand how much pain you will go through. 

The week I found out, I slept 4 hours in seven days. The adrenaline was STILL pumping through my body. It was like a slow burn. I eventually fell asleep talking to someone (while my eyes were wide open) I think it was more a crash at that point. I then slept 16+ hours. I don't remember exactly. 

I didn't eat a bite of food for 3 weeks. 

She will NEVER understand the pain you went through. There is no way to describe the pain. It's unrelenting anguish without mercy. I have no doubt if there is a hell, this is one of the punishments. But it does subside. It does get easier and easier to deal with. I'm telling you this so you know you are not alone. Many have been through what you're going through. I have heard antidepressants can help temporarily. 

You WILL become stronger for all this. You will develop new coping skills and be able to handle pressures that you never thought you could. 

Oh and her spewing that hate at you over the phone? Yea no. Ask for a loan from your parents to get you a lawyer. If they can't ask them to ask someone to get you a loan. Ask a friend. Look for free legal aid. Whatever, you need a lawyer now to get rid of this millstone. 

I think you should read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life. 

In the end the only way out is through.


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