# Arguing or showing you are mad in your relationships



## 482

Do you argue? How do you argue? How do you show your anger towards someone? 

I try not to argue at all but it seems inevitable at times. Typically this is when I get mad and she wants to argue about it rather than address it. I think it may be more of a question of how do you act when you are mad with your SO? If she is making me mad by what I perceive is mistreating me or testing/pushing one of my boundaries I let her know right away. If she does not agree for one reason or another and she wants to argue I will continue to deliver that same message over and over. Sometimes this can last for a day or two but I do not bend, ever. Not sure if she is testing my resolve or if she really disagrees. If she disagrees with all sorts of ambiguity, adding new issues, or trying to make me feel bad, it does not change. When I am mad with her like this I am the opposite of what you would expect from a loving and caring partner. I am not initiating conversation, I am not saying I love you, I am not being available and present. I am none of these things because I do not do these things for someone when they are mistreating me. She does not like this. I continue to explain to her when I am mad with someone, her or anyone for that matter, they are going to know. I have explained to her over and over that I will react this way again if I feel this same thing playing out again. She does not like this. I am not going to pretend to be fine and be these things anyway. I told her that I will always be this way because I will not live my life being mistreated or hurt by people in silence, that builds resentment, no thanks. How do you react when you are mad with your SO?

No offense ladies but this is posted in the mens lounge for a reason. I am looking for feedback from men on this one. Preferably men with their balls intact. Initiated men.


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## TheDudeLebowski

We've found we argue best via text messages. Keeps us from shouting and also you are forced to listen by reading and responding. Plus sometimes you don't know what to say in the moment if a conversation is heated. So it keeps us more level headed and we can generally get all of our points across. 

You shouldn't act as everything is ok if its not, but with that comes the ability to pick your battles as well. Let some minor stuff slide and don't get all bent out of shape for every single annoyance. Keep to the discussion at hand and dont being up the past minor annoyances. If you let it slide at the time, you forget it and don't bring it up in a later argument.


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## 482

TheDudeLebowski said:


> We've found we argue best via text messages. Keeps us from shouting and also you are forced to listen by reading and responding. Plus sometimes you don't know what to say in the moment if a conversation is heated. So it keeps us more level headed and we can generally get all of our points across.
> 
> You shouldn't act as everything is ok if its not, but with that comes the ability to pick your battles as well. Let some minor stuff slide and don't get all bent out of shape for every single annoyance. Keep to the discussion at hand and dont being up the past minor annoyances. If you let it slide at the time, you forget it and don't bring it up in a later argument.


Via text. Maybe I should try that more. Thank you. I just hate it when I send one with all the details of a clearly thought out message then get one back 3 hours later that does not address it and just adds more new issues. Then I will say "can we stick to the topic we are discussing before we add new things address one thing at a time". Followed by another 3 hours then a new message that says the new issues have everything to do with it and its now all related. Maybe its my impatience but that drives me nuts. I feel like saying if your not sure think about it and let me know when you do rather that just responding with anger and never addressing what we are actually fighting about. But then it would be another 3 hours...... 

I hear you on the picking your battles. I compromise and let go 90% of things. Its only when its the other 10% this happens. The big things. The boundaries. Do you react the same as I described when you have picked your battle?


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## ConanHub

Ahh... With Mrs. C I have a more volatile response than pretty much anywhere else in life.

She is a combination sh1t tester and anger issue kind of gal.

When she starts poking to piss me off, (on purpose most of the time), I get cool and clipped with my responses.

If she manages to realize what she is doing in time, it gets less tense quickly.

If she keeps being an ass, I eventually go a little nuclear. I have never been physically abusive towards her, ever. I have, however, rearranged furniture and left some in need of repair.

I also have the vocal cords of a Celtic barbarian and can shatter windows at ten paces.

I generally hate getting that way and she doesn't like it either but it is almost like she requires a brute once in a while.


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## 482

ConanHub said:


> She is a combination sh1t tester and anger issue kind of gal.


I know this type all to well.

Same here never abusive. But Im not going to be the same guy I am when I'm mad at her. I have taken out a dog gate or two :smile2:

Sound like another one of her tests "you are not going to act this way to me when you are mad at me" Me "yes I am, every time" test passed


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## ConanHub

482 said:


> I know this type all to well.
> 
> Same here never abusive. But Im not going to be the same guy I am when I'm mad at her. I have taken out a dog gate or two :smile2:
> 
> Sound like another one of her tests "you are not going to act this way to me when you are mad at me" Me "yes I am, every time" test passed


And to your first point, I won't kiss 💋 cuddle or have sex with her until the issue is resolved.

She can have angry sex and doesn't get that I can't. LOL!

She is a horny little devil!>


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## TheDudeLebowski

I tend to bottle and explode. I have made big strides in that area and we are more comfortable speaking when something is bothering us. We used to just blow up and yell at each other. More recently we have tried arguing or having our fights via text and it has helped our communication a ton. Fights and arguments are over much quicker. 

You are doing the right things in sticking to the argument at hand. The thing is, when you are right and she knows it, she is trying to steer the conversation elsewhere to take the pressure off of herself and turn it around on you. Don't fall for it, which it sounds like you aren't. The other thing she will try then is to attack you for something else. If she does that, excuse yourself from the conversation. "You are being hostile right now, and I dont appreciate the way you are speaking to me. When you calm down, we can address the issue again" and just walk away. Sounds like you are already doing those things. Stick to it. 

They will huff and puff and be mad at you for being mad at them but that is BS. Just don't take any bait and stick to the issue. Now once it is addressed, then you go back and bring up the other issues yourself. "Now you said earlier that you were mad about xyz, I would like to fix this issue if I'm not meeting your needs or crossing your boundaries" and you take the initiative to solve those. That shows her you are listening and you want to treat her the way she wants to be treated or whatever. Don't stay mad once the issue is resolved. Fake it till you make it if you are still mad.


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## JayDee7

I control my temper well, and I try not to get angry. I do correct and redirect and express my will where I feel I need to in areas I will not bend my will. I give my wife lots of freedom in her choices and life, but in our home I am the final authority and final say. I do not say no too often, but when I do she knows it?s a solid no and not to argue. She?ll sulk but understand I have reasons and we will talk about it. I guess ours is an old fashioned type of marriage, Italian upbringing, I try not to be too macho but she sometimes says that I am. When she?s done something that isn?t to my liking she will hear it from me and sometimes I do raise my voice and ?get after? her, and she responds very well to it and corrects her tone or behavior or changes her course of action. It?s not often though and I think it?s because she has respect and a little fear of being put into her place. That said, I?ve messed up lots of times and she is a hot blooded Italian woman and she will let me have it, but even then with respect or else I will set her right. It works for us, Old fashioned.


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## 482

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I tend to bottle and explode. I have made big strides in that area and we are more comfortable speaking when something is bothering us. We used to just blow up and yell at each other. More recently we have tried arguing or having our fights via text and it has helped our communication a ton. Fights and arguments are over much quicker.
> 
> You are doing the right things in sticking to the argument at hand. The thing is, when you are right and she knows it, she is trying to steer the conversation elsewhere to take the pressure off of herself and turn it around on you. Don't fall for it, which it sounds like you aren't. The other thing she will try then is to attack you for something else. If she does that, excuse yourself from the conversation. "You are being hostile right now, and I dont appreciate the way you are speaking to me. When you calm down, we can address the issue again" and just walk away. Sounds like you are already doing those things. Stick to it.


Blowing up is what if feel like sometimes with us too. I have to get better at remaining calm when she is wrong and trying the above things on me. I tend to lose my **** and while I am the one to leave or get off the phone until things are heading in the right direction I am rarely calm. I know this behavior you are describing above all to well. The misdirection and attempts to push buttons she knows will work like comparing me to her ex or something else she knows will piss me off. 




TheDudeLebowski said:


> They will huff and puff and be mad at you for being mad at them but that is BS. Just don't take any bait and stick to the issue. Now once it is addressed, then you go back and bring up the other issues yourself. "Now you said earlier that you were mad about xyz, I would like to fix this issue if I'm not meeting your needs or crossing your boundaries" and you take the initiative to solve those. That shows her you are listening and you want to treat her the way she wants to be treated or whatever. Don't stay mad once the issue is resolved. Fake it till you make it if you are still mad.


I will take into account the new things later like this, good idea. I usually just don't do that because I am seeing them as attempts to lead me away from the real issue when she knows she is wrong. I will stick to the issue until its resolved or until I have to take things into my own hands. I am one stubborn old goat :smile2:


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## 482

JayDee7 said:


> I control my temper well, and I try not to get angry. I do correct and redirect and express my will where I feel I need to in areas I will not bend my will. I give my wife lots of freedom in her choices and life, but in our home I am the final authority and final say. I do not say no too often, but when I do she knows it?s a solid no and not to argue. She?ll sulk but understand I have reasons and we will talk about it. I guess ours is an old fashioned type of marriage, Italian upbringing, I try not to be too macho but she sometimes says that I am. When she?s done something that isn?t to my liking she will hear it from me and sometimes I do raise my voice and ?get after? her, and she responds very well to it and corrects her tone or behavior or changes her course of action. It?s not often though and I think it?s because she has respect and a little fear of being put into her place. That said, I?ve messed up lots of times and she is a hot blooded Italian woman and she will let me have it, but even then with respect or else I will set her right. It works for us, Old fashioned.


Interesting. Maybe as more time goes on we will be there. Learning about each other I guess, what works and what doesn't. I currently have a horrible time controlling my anger when I know lines are being crossed with blatant disregard. Especially when I have to continue to argue about them, fending off the tactics The Dude described, something I have no interest in doing.


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## JayDee7

A little more...
We do not argue very much, maybe a real argument twice per year, and little spats that blow over in a few minutes maybe once per month. I do say I am sorry when I?m wrong and will say I was wrong when I am.
I do not allow her to nag me, guilt me, or shame me at all, ever. If I sense she is using manipulative tactics to get her way or force me into something I call her out and will raise my voice and shut it down sternly. I will have sex with her after an argument or disagreement, and be extra dominant with her during the sex. Luckily she responds well, and knows what works between us better than I do.
Obviously not all women are willing to give control to their husbands and not all men take the authoritive husband role with their wives, so this wouldn?t work for all couples. It?s just what works for us, Catholic old fashioned Italian family style. I think it makes a good marriage. I never go to bed angry, even if I am, I kiss her and tell her we shouldn?t argue and that I love her.


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## 482

JayDee7 said:


> A little more...
> We do not argue very much, maybe a real argument twice per year, and little spats that blow over in a few minutes maybe once per month. I do say I am sorry when I?m wrong and will say I was wrong when I am.
> I do not allow her to nag me, guilt me, or shame me at all, ever. If I sense she is using manipulative tactics to get her way or force me into something I call her out and will raise my voice and shut it down sternly. I will have sex with her after an argument or disagreement, and be extra dominant with her during the sex. Luckily she responds well, and knows what works between us better than I do.
> Obviously not all women are willing to give control to their husbands and not all men take the authoritive husband role with their wives, so this wouldn?t work for all couples. It?s just what works for us, Catholic old fashioned Italian family style. I think it makes a good marriage. I never go to bed angry, even if I am, I kiss her and tell her we shouldn?t argue and that I love her.



Congratulations on the minimal amounts of argument, sucks when it happens all the time. I also apologize once when its appropriate, never to make her happy. I do screw up sometimes so it must be done. Dominant sex, :smile2: "you're so aggressive" with a big smile, she will never admit it but she loves it, thats the only time I ever see that face. Not the O face more like holy **** what the **** has come over him. With that said your right its not good for everyone. When I was dating I was with a woman who was abused at some point in her past. She did not provide much details but when I choked her a little bit she was horrified. Definitely not for everyone. Now my current GF Its not uncommon after a fight or just for fun to put her over my knee and smack the **** out of her ass or choke her. 

What if its going in the other direction though? You feel like you need to be the one to continue the discussion about an issue because its a big deal and she seems to want to avoid it by using manipulative tactics? You sternly address it but she persists to be stubborn. Are you still kissing her good night and telling her you love her? Or do you continue to be stern until its resolved? Maybe you never make it to things like this because it seems like you resolve issues fast in your relationship.


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## JayDee7

482 said:


> JayDee7 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A little more...
> We do not argue very much, maybe a real argument twice per year, and little spats that blow over in a few minutes maybe once per month. I do say I am sorry when I?m wrong and will say I was wrong when I am.
> I do not allow her to nag me, guilt me, or shame me at all, ever. If I sense she is using manipulative tactics to get her way or force me into something I call her out and will raise my voice and shut it down sternly. I will have sex with her after an argument or disagreement, and be extra dominant with her during the sex. Luckily she responds well, and knows what works between us better than I do.
> Obviously not all women are willing to give control to their husbands and not all men take the authoritive husband role with their wives, so this wouldn?t work for all couples. It?s just what works for us, Catholic old fashioned Italian family style. I think it makes a good marriage. I never go to bed angry, even if I am, I kiss her and tell her we shouldn?t argue and that I love her.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Congratulations on the minimal amounts of argument, sucks when it happens all the time. I also apologize once when its appropriate, never to make her happy. I do screw up sometimes so it must be done. Dominant sex,
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "you're so aggressive" with a big smile, she will never admit it but she loves it, thats the only time I ever see that face. Not the O face more like holy **** what the **** has come over him. With that said your right its not good for everyone. When I was dating I was with a woman who was abused at some point in her past. She did not provide much details but when I choked her a little bit she was horrified. Definitely not for everyone. Now my current GF Its not uncommon after a fight or just for fun to put her over my knee and smack the **** out of her ass or choke her.
> 
> What if its going in the other direction though? You feel like you need to be the one to continue the discussion about an issue because its a big deal and she seems to want to avoid it by using manipulative tactics? You sternly address it but she persists to be stubborn. Are you still kissing her good night and telling her you love her? Or do you continue to be stern until its resolved? Maybe you never make it to things like this because it seems like you resolve issues fast in your relationship.
Click to expand...



My wife does not push the issue. She is good about that. She may not like the resolution and she will sulk. That?s when I give affection, after she has accepted the outcome, it is up to me to give her affection because I made her feel bad.

There was one time that I can remember, she wanted to do something with her friends and I told her no, where she said something like ?you can not tell me what to do, your not my boss or my dad? and I said something like ?then get the **** out of the marriage then you can do whatever the **** you want? and I went to our bedroom and got ready for bed. I felt angry and bad for saying that. She came in and apologized and we had some good sex.

I do not argue with her about trivial things. I am lucky she is not argumentative and she wants peace in the home, so she approaches things that she knows will piss me off very sweetly. She is not stubborn and she understands that my word is the final word in our home. She can try to convince me and sometimes she does, but usually she accepts it. 

Luckily for me she is not the type of wife who has to have her way all the time, she respects me as the husband and man of the house. That said, she makes a lot of the family decisions in our home, because she knows what?s needed better than I do when it comes to the kids or decorating, etc. 
I spoil her with nice clothes, purses, shoes, make up, hair, nails, etc and tell her she can spend as much as she needs, I pay for it, to keep herself pretty for me, and she never over does it and always asks before buying something expensive and I have never said no.

If she were stubborn, I don?t think it would have lasted. There cannot be two heads of a household. It takes a wife who is willing to give her husband control and it takes a husband who can take control.


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## WilliamM

It is very difficult for my wife to make me angry. If I get angry I let her know with cross words and a stern look. If I think what she has done is especially bothersome I may even slightly raise my voice. Mary often will respond with tears if I raise my voice at all. She will amend anything and change anything to please me, so it does not happen often. But even an accidental miss-step on her part causes me to snarl. I am not gentle.

However, I always tell her I love her, even if I chastise her. Love trumps everything. I always keep that at the forefront of my mind. Her love for me and my love for her is vastly more important than any issue we need to resolve. I know we will resolve anything quickly.

Perhaps the reason we have so few issues is because I keep my love for Mary foremost in my mind, and never let anything compromise my willingness to hold my wife and tell her I love her.


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## Clark G

Arguing is somewhat healthy in a relationship. Blowing up on each other is typically not which is usually a suppression of anger time and time again. We argue b/c I'm not going to let her just always get her way and walk all over me. It usually stems from a difference in opinion or beliefs of the other. This can result in a healthy conversation to understand her better or her understand where I'm coming from.

Don't get me wrong, our arguments can get out of hand which ends up in regret of the situation on both sides. when we are able to clear out heads and actually discuss the matter we get to the root of the problem. When we don't it's just a pissing match as to who has better points and can yell more. Nothing gets resolved and just pisses us off more.

It's hard to break old beliefs sometimes, but at least next time we are aware of how the other one thinks and it can lead to a more productive dispute. Couples that don't argue are either checked out emotionally, don't give a **** anymore, or suppress the anger deep down. This leads to bigger problems.

Great question
Joe


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## 482

Clark G said:


> Arguing is somewhat healthy in a relationship. Blowing up on each other is typically not which is usually a suppression of anger time and time again. We argue b/c I'm not going to let her just always get her way and walk all over me. It usually stems from a difference in opinion or beliefs of the other. This can result in a healthy conversation to understand her better or her understand where I'm coming from.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't get me wrong, our arguments can get out of hand which ends up in regret of the situation on both sides. when we are able to clear out heads and actually discuss the matter we get to the root of the problem. When we don't it's just a pissing match as to who has better points and can yell more. Nothing gets resolved and just pisses us off more.
> 
> 
> 
> It's hard to break old beliefs sometimes, but at least next time we are aware of how the other one thinks and it can lead to a more productive dispute. Couples that don't argue are either checked out emotionally, don't give a **** anymore, or suppress the anger deep down. This leads to bigger problems.
> 
> 
> 
> Great question
> 
> Joe




Interesting because I hear about people together for 25 years and never argue. Makes you wonder. Are they just like you described above or do they just always agree? Or is there just a clear leader in the relationship and the other is happy with things that way?


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## Clark G

Great questions you have and I have asked myself. My grandparents were together 60 and there was a definitive leader (my grandpa) in the relationship yet they argued/bickered quite often about things. Not full out fights, but disagreements and frustrations - they also communicated well with each other. I guess after 25 years if you've learned to communicate with each other effectively there may be little to no arguing. I doubt that people always agree. I think the suppression thing (men and women) is more in line as has been in my experience just talking with others over the years.


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## Slartibartfast

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## 482

Slartibartfast said:


> And in your own words, you're fearful of boundary violations. But they really don't matter, do they?


Yes, very much. I'm sure you also have boundaries. What are boundaries if they are allowed to be broken without consequence? 

Thanks for your comments. This is the reason I posted. Not for validation or approval but for outside option.

How do you react when you are mad with your SO? Are you the same loving partner regardless, "smiling when you are angry"? Or is it clear you are not happy? During these times when you and your SO are arguing what specifically are you doing? I'm trying to understand how other men react to their SO when they are mad for a valid reason.


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## Slartibartfast

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## 482

Slartibartfast said:


> Mostly, I look at her. And we've worked through all this long ago, so it gets her thinking about what it's worth, which gets us pretty quickly to some common ground. (There was a time when just looking at her when she was mad would drive her wild. Now, she knows what it means. It's a way of asking a question without asking a question. She has to form the question to herself. It's not a challenge.)
> 
> And sure, she knows when something made me angry. She's become pretty smart about this and asks, "Are you angry?" Well, yes. But at the same time, I'm dissipating the anger so we can get onto resolution. And I can, because I know we know what we're doing. I can dissipate anger without risk.
> 
> And I didn't say boundaries were bad. I meant that the way I see boundary violations, they're not major deals. And that's because we don't violate them intentionally, either of us. I'm not even sure we any more think about boundaries, because they don't trigger more than a brief bump. We're in the same country. No borders. And if it wasn't intentional, what's to be angry about? You say you're sorry, and you agree that it was a mistake you'll try not to make again. And you to try not to make it again.
> 
> We used to get angry. My wife particularly was prone to saving it up until she blew. But over time, she came to realize she was doing that and that it was unfair, and she stopped. I did similar things and also stopped. We're married. We do that sort of stuff for each other. There's no testing of resolves. No score-keeping. That's what entities in opposition do. We're not in opposition. That's what I'm really talking about. If you're in your right minds, there's nothing to be angry about. Stupid sports analogy: If the quarterback stays more than briefly angry at the end who drops the pass, how well will be do his job on the next play when he has to throw it to the same end? It wasn't intentional, so what's to be angry about? They're on the same team.
> 
> And I think working on anger issues can in itself lead naturally to being in that right mind. Work on one, and the other happens, too. We didn't just happen to match. No couple could be more different. No couple could have brought many more childhood issues to a marriage. But we disliked being angry at one another enough to find what it takes to not become (very often) angry, and we practice it because it's so rewarding. It's that simple. We did the work toward an end we both wanted. Not so hard, when you both want it. And yes, I do know, and so does she, how lucky we are. We have been amazingly, staggeringly, astonishingly lucky. But the truth is, we made a lot of that luck. You really do create your own reality from all the potentials that exist.


Thank you for your comments. I think you may have worked out boundaries so long ago they are just known by both of you, therefore rarely crossed. Also after being together so long it gets easier to read and properly respond to your mad SO. Communicating less with words and more with looks is a good example of that. I hope to be there some day. I think we are still learning these things about each other. Trust me I would rather never argue. I also dislike being angry but I refuse to be a doormat for anyone her included.


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## Slartibartfast

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## Wolf1974

I admit I’m not much for arguing. Most of my 40 hour work week I argue and debate so I just have no tolerance for it at home.

I have dated women who’s main conversation style is arguing. I have no idea why they choose this but they do and fully believe that this is the best way to keep a healthy relationship. Not with me obviously because I passed on them as I find people who can’t control their temper or themselves as weak

Most things can be discussed calmly. If you can’t be calm then best to walk away until you can because the alternative is you will make it worse yelling and screaming.


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