# Sometimes I Wish Her EA Had Gone PA. Non-Consummated EA Might Burn Worse



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Wife had an EA- maybe more than one depending on definitions, but I'll focus on this one.

I caught on to things. This was one of those facebook-connecting with an old might-have-been deals. Long story short: It was a guy who pursued her in High School, but she was loyal to her boyfriend at the time. But I guess he left an impression on her and she decided not to be as loyal to her husband and father of her children.

I did a lot of things wrong or ineffectively in trying to deal with things, but they ended up not crossing over a certain line. This was over a year ago.

I see a lot of topics come up here where the BS wants to know if it's possible things didn't go PA, and almost always most of the posters are doubtful. Same with guys who wonder if wives will "fall in love" with an AP and leave their family for something that hasn't gone PA. Generally the consensus is that "they are banging" if things get that crazy. 

In my circumstance I know that is not the case, but I really feel like maybe we would have a better chance if she DID sleep with him and found out the grass wasn't greener and/or had a real opportunity to be destroyed by this guy. otherwise it's like she has this crush that lingers, with "crush" being an understatement because she is convinced she loves this guy and that things would have been great with him and all kinds of other things I know to not be true and delusions. There was never a chance for the whole infatuation/honeymoon stuff to wear off.

It really came to the point that I really probably wanted to reconcile "just for the kids" but I convinced myself I was OK with that. FWIW, I know she has some mental illness problems and knew that going in, but I really feel like I was duped and she is just way more screwed up than anyone can imagine. And there are reasons that i would put up with a lot of that, but not if I am treated like ****.

Sorry, this is mostly just a rant I needed to say to deal with some things that have come to light, the season,etc.

I talked to the guy, months ago. he told me he wished he'd never gotten back in touch with her, that he hoped I got her some good counseling.. Oh, did I mention that he wants nothing to do with her and she had been stalking and phone/text harrassing him the whole time we were supposedly working on reconciling? So yeah, my wife basically left me and our 2 children ( one isn't biological) "for" a guy she never slept with and he actually wants nothing to do with her.

And he said "Believe me, brother. I didn't %^&* your wife"

But I think I wish he had. It would help make sense of something, maybe. I know guys don't want the image of some other guy screwing the wife and that's the real breaking point for many, but this delusional pining EA has to be worse ( though maybe my situation is different because my wife is just crazy).


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Feel free to rant all you want.

I think that if it was a PA than it would be more complicated than it is now. Do not kid yourself, cake eating is addictive and kills marriage.

You said your wife left you and your children? Is your wife still gone?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Marty, can you get her some psch help?

You're being a martyr for the sake of your kids & all the while having to contend with the most immature one hamstringing your efforts. It must be exhausting.

If she won't cooperate, can you send her to her relatives for a while? You need a break from all this.

The ideal would be to divorce her or to get a legal separation and you take full custody of the kids.

How old are you guys?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

martyc47 said:


> Wife had an EA- maybe more than one depending on definitions, but I'll focus on this one.
> 
> I caught on to things. This was one of those facebook-connecting with an old might-have-been deals. Long story short: It was a guy who pursued her in High School, but she was loyal to her boyfriend at the time. But I guess he left an impression on her and she decided not to be as loyal to her husband and father of her children.
> 
> ...


The delusional pining EA doesn't go away when she screws him. It only goes away after she leaves you for him and lives with him for several years, has enough time for life to become routine with him and fall out of love with him, same as she did with you. Then she would be on to the next "old boyfriend" on her list.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Feel free to rant all you want.
> 
> I think that if it was a PA than it would be more complicated than it is now. Do not kid yourself, cake eating is addictive and kills marriage.
> 
> You said your wife left you and your children? Is your wife still gone?


I should have been clearer. She didn't leave physically, and neither did I, but she left emotionally. She will insist that she was never abandoning the kids, but I have a different view of that. She pretty much said she would risk EVERYTHING for any non-zero chance for anything with him, even if it meant what she was doing was wrong and her whole family would hate her, etc.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Seems like breaking point for you is PA.Maybe you should change it if things aren't going so well.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

The grass is not greener on the other side. There are plenty of examples that those cheaters are engorging in ephemeral pleasures. 

Kill this EA, it is an addiction. Some WS cannot help themselves. Kill that parasite.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Marty, can you get her some psch help?
> 
> You're being a martyr for the sake of your kids & all the while having to contend with the most immature one hamstringing your efforts. It must be exhausting.
> 
> ...


I've tried. I'm in therapy myself. A lot of this happened after her mom died and she started drinking. Before the thing with this guy almost happened, I tried to get her in marital and IC. I went to marital by MYSELF and then cancelled it. She refused to go for herself because she "didn't have time to do that and go to the gym." To me, "the gym" really just means "look good for other guys." She has a lot of things she won't deal with.

The whole thing is pretty messed up, She is older than I am by 7 years. We are both older than we act. My mind is a mess, like I don't know what it real. Sometimes I feel duped like she never loved me, but other times I think that's just me telling myself that so I can feel more victimized or something.

Some of my interest in preserving the marriage is really logistical/practical. I don't feel I can handle the kids myself, even if she's crazy. Also, her dad owns our house. Our main vehicle was inherited by her in her name only from her mom. My finances are ruined. I've really been the primary provider and care-taker and I'm the one who has suffered all the consequences. If/when we divorce I feel like I'm still going to be in that situation but only worse. I'm going to turn into a babysitter who pays her for her behavior. I feel like my only recourse to get her to leave is to go to her dad and ask him to allow her to move in with him and allow me to stay in the house and keep the kids, but I don't know if that is practical. Sometimes I feel like I'm setting out on an exit plan but other times I let myself be drawn back in. It's a mess. I'm a mess. I think I have some kind of savior complex or something- like I want to be needed and fix everything.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> The delusional pining EA doesn't go away when she screws him. It only goes away after she leaves you for him and lives with him for several years, has enough time for life to become routine with him and fall out of love with him, same as she did with you. Then she would be on to the next "old boyfriend" on her list.


The thing is.. if it had reached that point, I don't think there is any way this guy was going to have a serious relationship with her. he doesn't even want her. It might seem weird, or maybe he just realized she was crazy before it got to that point. I genuinely don't believe this guy came close to having any deep feelings for her and she's pretty much deluded into thinking he's something he's not.

Now, rationally, I get what you are saying, and I wish I could reason with her. But that is not possible. Reasoning with her= that I think she's crazy, etc. This is exactly how I see things, that yeah she could jump to the next guy and things will be exciting for awhile but that's temporary, while we have something real here and she should want to keep that over chasing nothing.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> The grass is not greener on the other side. There are plenty of examples that those cheaters are engorging in ephemeral pleasures.
> 
> Kill this EA, it is an addiction. Some WS cannot help themselves. Kill that parasite.


I thought he did kill it, but SHE won't let it go.
He is not in the picture, but she can find another "him" if that's what she wants.

I don't know that I can do anything other than try to get rid of her and fight for the kids ( I don't know the prospects of that, but I feel I am the only reliable parent, and her family members have confided as much.).

I talked to the guy. I witness them have a phone call where he was telling her he wanted nothing to do with her.. AFTER the phone call in which he told her to leave him alone, she interpreted that as some kind of flirting or something. seriously. He made her feel good and beautiful on the phone call in which he was telling her that he did not want to see her, talk, to her, etc, again.

She has told me that the guy is in love with her but he is scared I'm going to harm him. So I "threatened" him and he is pretending to not be in love with her because I am a threat to him and his son ( Yes, this is a guy who I believe had a crazy ex himself, and has custody of their child. He thinks my wife is nuts, I am 100% convinced).

This guy, who wants nothing to do with her, is like her "true love" or some BS, and she is willing to risk anything to be with him, even though she can't.

This hasn't been a constant. We've gone a few months here and there and then he pops back up again. Then she'll tell me she feels bad that she has feelings for him and can't I understand that she wishes she didn't? And then she says this BS like "I need him. He makes me feel blah blah blah." Then I say "He doesn't make you feel anything. He's nobody. He did nothing for you to deserve anything from you, and so on" And she will say "You are right. He didn't." But then eventually she acts like a whining child again and some point and gets all depressed over "mourning" HIM, while not giving a %^&* about me or our family.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Oh I forgot to mention, she did agree to go to one marital counseling session a few months ago. She wouldn't talk about other men at all, and completely avoided that aspect. He (the therapist) tried to hit on something there, but she was evasive. I didn't feel like MC would work because she was trying to make me out to be the problem when it's impossible to work on things, IMHO, with a 3rd party in the picture. She went to pretty much say "see I tried, I just don't think they can help." basically I was painted as a controlling guy, and that's where all the problems came from. Her trying to date other men was portrayed as she was just trying to make friends and have her own life outside of my control...

I didn't accuse or bring up the other men angle too much because there wasn't time, and I was genuinely trying to see i there was some underlying issues that could be addressed that maybe if we were able to work through would remove the temptation for going outside the marriage, if that makes any sense. If there was some real issue that I could help, I wanted to know what it was.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You love her and would like to work on your marriage with her, if only she would do the same?

If she is not willing to work on the marriage, keeps focusing on the other man and other possibilities (the gym over counseling due to "time constraints), you will stay married for the time being because of financial/custody issues? As it stands now, if you hit it big in the lottery tomorrow, you would be filing for divorce?

Why is she still in the marriage? Why doesn't she leave you for other man, go to him, and tell him she is with him now, if she is truly convinced that his rejecting her is all an act and part of his flirting? Why is she still with you?

She sounds about the same as many cheaters on here. If she won't work on the marriage, tell her she can have other man, you are letting her go, offer to call him up in front of her and tell him that you wish them both all the happiness in the world, they have nothing to fear from you, they should both feel free to get together and carry out their romance, while you get a divorce. This way, she will see other man does not want her.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Also, tell her if other man doesn't want her or if she doesn't want you, then she should just divorce you. Tell her you would rather she move on and find someone who can make her happy if you can't, that it's not fair to you to have to wait while she decides between you and whoever else may be available for her. If she changes her mind after the divorce, you will consider letting her win you back.


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> As it stands now, if you hit it big in the lottery tomorrow, you would be filing for divorce?


Probably not too much of an exaggeration. I guess she would be entitled to half the lottery money, but as long as I had my share I'd be fine..

Realistically speaking there are some hurdles and things I'm in the process of working on. I am self-employed. I pretty much shut down my business to go back to school a couple years ago. Though I still pay for everything and then some. This past summer I ended up in the hospital and needed a surgery- something pretty common but the timing was terrible for my financial situation and other things. So I've been digging out of a hole for awhile.

That said, I am expected to receive a significant payment ( not lottery, but significant) around the first of the year. Not enough to do anything crazy but enough to give some cushion/options.

At one point I spent a significant amount of money on her for a lawyer for a legal problem she had ( she ended up convicted of a crime that I believe will follow her for life, and the crime was committed in the process of an attempted affair, too), and when I cut the check I thought to myself that I should have let her suffer and used that money on my own divorce lawyer. And I've pretty much thought that ever since...but kept hoping that something would make her "snap out of it" but nothing has.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

martyc47 said:


> Probably not too much of an exaggeration. I guess she would be entitled to half the lottery money, but as long as I had my share I'd be fine..
> 
> Realistically speaking there are some hurdles and things I'm in the process of working on. I am self-employed. I pretty much shut down my business to go back to school a couple years ago. Though I still pay for everything and then some. This past summer I ended up in the hospital and needed a surgery- something pretty common but the timing was terrible for my financial situation and other things. So I've been digging out of a hole for awhile.
> 
> ...


Ask her "boyfriend" to take out an epo on her. Do a hard 180. Your taking it way to easy on her. She is acting like sh,!t and you let her.
Find the book No Mr Nice Guy and read it. 
Also get the book Married Man Sex Life , it's not sex manual. And read it now.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does she work?


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Ask her "boyfriend" to take out an epo on her. Do a hard 180. Your taking it way to easy on her. She is acting like sh,!t and you let her.
> Find the book No Mr Nice Guy and read it.
> Also get the book Married Man Sex Life , it's not sex manual. And read it now.


I have MMSL sitting in the amazon box, ready to be opened.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

does she work?


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Does she work?


No. She should.. I know this isn't a healthy way to think about this, but I hate the idea of her working because in the past it has always ended up COSTING me money and enabled her to pursue inappropriate relationships while hanging out with toxic people.

My idea of work is for contributing to the family. Her idea of work is never being home plus spending her whole paycheck on going out and financing stupid stuff while I take care of the kids most of the time and pay for everything.

Her idea of divorce, as she has mentioned before, is also some fantasy where I have the kids while she works plus whenever she wants to go out, and the kids will be better off because she will be "happy."


----------

