# Relationship Breakup



## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

This is my story……

5 and a half years ago I met my ex. Within 2 weeks of us meeting, I wanted to split up with her because I discovered she had left someone to be with me, which I have no idea of at the time. I simply felt, if she can do it with me she can do it me. Having a year prior to meeting her come out of a relationship myself which was due to my then ex having found someone else I knew how it felt to be heartbroken I nevertheless took the risk; it was good to have some company.

We moved in pretty quickly with each other thereafter, I worked a night shift so would have a lot of time on my hands so would write her long letters telling her how great it felt to have met her, how privileged I felt, how I wanted to try my best in everything so we could give our relationship a real chance.

I knew she wanted to get married and have kids so did I but not too soon, first we had to go through the courting stage.

Within weeks of us meeting I changed my job, come off night shifts to work days (a normal 9-5 ) so we could spend more time with each other and give our relationship a real go.

Unfortunately little did I know back then this was going to be the first of 5 jobs in 3 years that would cause me much frustration, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, hurt, feeling of unworthiness and just feeling inadequate.

After 3 years of trying different jobs I was just not having much luck on the job front, I however managed to keep myself together despite going through some pretty harsh experiences. Whilst we would speak about it, I began to feel scared that I would lose her as she would think she is with a loser.

I would always explain to her how because I started taking jobs out of desperation for money when I actually landed each one, after a few weeks I could see that yet again I made a wrong choice. She would listen and sometimes advise me but more often listen then give advice or say anything that was reassuring.

Anyways it was then I decided to go back to education, to study, to get a degree something that I could use to try and better myself, I wanted to become a teacher because I love helping people learn new skills and also so that once married I would have more time to help out around the house, spend time with kids as and when they came along thus being a dedicated father and husband.

Before I went back into education we discussed it, I explained if she didn’t think it was right I would not pursue it, I was so fed up of all these dead end jobs they were so demotivating and taking me further away from our developing our relationship, marriage and kids.

She agreed it was the right thing to do, at which point I proposed to her, it was my way of saying, I am committed to you and I will marry you once I get a degree.

Throughout the 3 years during which I had 5 different jobs, I would take her out, wine and dine her, we would go away on holidays together (she paid her half), I bought her so much different jewellery and I would regularly send her flowers to work each month (our monthly anniversary) and would just express my love in so many different ways. These are things I wanted to do.

Once I started education I also worked, this meant I was on a 80 hour week which after a year took its toll on my body and I ended up in A n E being diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

I knew back then 2 years ago our relationship was over, why? It was taking us further away from marriage and kids. I turned 32 this year and she is 33.

Being diagnosed with this new illness meant I could not attend university that year so took a year out. I had to learn to live again. The job I was doing was demotivating and demoralising but I needed the money to pay my share of the bills.

I never took any money from her even when I was unemployed for short intervals as I never wanted her to feel as if I was lazy or irresponsible as I walked out of 4 of the 5 jobs purely because they were making me feel worthless. 

She would be scared when I walked out of jobs, despite seeing me unhappy and sad, she did want the best for me but also did not want me to be out of pocket for something that wasn’t my fault.

After being diagnosed with the illness being on pretty strong medication and returning to work like 2 – 3 weeks after leaving hospital, I felt I was not receiving much emotional support from her.

I throughout our 5 years together would always instigate deep conversations about which direction we were heading in, every couple of months I would enquire how she felt in our relationship, I would explain my fears together with what also made me happy and also enquired about her fears and what made her happy.

After 3 months of being discharged from hospital and coming off the steroids but still having to take 3 tablets for the rest of my life I would always explain to her that this illness had terrible side effects namely fatigue.

I would feel so tired some days especially after work I was unable to do much, so I suggested we do things on my days off (4 per week) i.e. spend quality time together, go out and socialise and do whatever.

At this point I felt as if I was stuck in a rut, I feared losing the person I loved most because I was unable to give her what she wanted i.e. marriage and kids, university was up in the air and yet again I was stuck in a dead end job, OK the money was excellent, but it was not conducive to family life, 12hr shifts 3 days a week, out of which 1 shift would have to be a night shift on the weekend so weekends were almost always spoiled.

This caused many arguments; I used to get angry because I felt she didn’t understand despite trying so hard in jobs, at university and in life I always seemed to fail.

Every time I would ask her for her advice or just want to speak about how I felt with her she would always just listen without saying much or anything reassuring. 

She would always want me to try my best and give my best which was nice and despite her saying she was bored with her work she remained in the same job for all our time together and even now. Despite saying how much she wanted a change.

In our time together I tried so hard to be a good loving partner, I would give 100% in everything I did be it at work, with friends, with our families and whatever else we did.

In Sept 2011 I came out of traditional university to study a part time course whilst working which meant I could obtain a degree faster.

A degree also meant for me that I could teach anywhere in the world, as she was European and I was born in UK, we both thought it would be nice to spend some time in her country once I graduated after we got married.

Unfortunately from Apr 2011 to Dec 2011 we would have some pretty heated rows, I felt she would never understand me, my illness, what I was going through and she was very broody eager to be married and have kids.

I always explained whilst anyone could have kids not everyone could be a father thereafter so it was illogical from my point of view to get married and have kids until I was more stable.

I always reassured her I wanted to get married and have kids but was scared once we did with my bad job situation I would not be a responsible father So wanted to become more secure first.

Meanwhile staying in the same job for her meant frequent promotions, I helped her so much with her job, she started off really low and has worked up really high, I would enjoy advising her and teaching her new things. She started to earn a good wage and was really good at her job.

I also encouraged her to get a driving license and would frequently help her out with her confidence when she was learning to drive and thereafter.

Here I was, getting so much joy out of success at work and in life whilst simultaneously feeling so bad and inadequate inside but always believed once I had my degree things would change.

In Dec 2011, after spending a whole night working on an essay for the new part time university course which was a nightmare because it was distance learning, not much support and bags of confusion she told me she didn’t love me anymore and wanted to split up with me.

Another bad choice on my part, changing from traditional university to this part time course as I thought it would get us to where we wanted to be quicker i.e. marriage and kids.

My world ended.

She went home for Christmas, back to her country for 2 weeks as usual but what was unusual was that she got a lift back from the airport from a guy she works with.

Now she had mentioned this guy to me 6 months before how his wife died from cancer and he was left with their kid but then didn’t speak about him.

A few weeks after telling me about him, she said I had anger issues and that I emotionally abuse her. We sat down and I really dug deep to understand why she felt this way and how this could be. After all she never came out with anything like this before so why now, all of a sudden?

Anyways, sat in our old flat waiting for her to come home, when she did, I don’t know how but I guessed she got a lift back from the airport from him, the bloke she only told me about once. She said “yes that’s right, he picked me up, we then went for a coffee (at 2am in the morning im thinking for 3 hours) “

I told her how could she so quickly get so close with someone so soon after we split.

Especially when she told me when we split that she wanted to find herself, to find out who she was and what she wants (all along it was marriage and kids)

However I told her, we split 24 days ago, out of which 14 days she was in her country so how can she get so close to bloke in a matter of 10 days after we split up? I told her I thought something was going on between them before she even left to go to her country.

She denied it at first and then said, “I didn’t cheat whilst we were together, now we are not its none of my business”

I then explained that she must have been getting close to him, lining him up even before she split up with me and how all this “I need to find myself” was all nonsense.

She denied it.

I felt so disgusted.

I packed my overnight bag and moved out that night. The following week I then packed all of my stuff and moved back into my parents’ house, which has its own difficulties.

Since then she would email me bills, or scanned letters. I told her I did not want to be friends but as she is from another country with many friends and no family here, in the event she really needed help, she could call me.

The emails stopped in Apr 2012, she would only ever say “hope you are well, please find attached letter” 

So I replied “please stop contacting me”

Since then I have lost all my confidence, my self esteem, my identity, everything.

I dropped out of that part time university course and just do not know what more I want to do in life.

Incidentally I then found proof how she got with this guy the minute I left and in July 2012 they spilt up, he was not paying her enough attention and that his kid was getting in her way.

I even sent her an email 2 months after we split stating how I beg for her forgiveness for all the times I got angry and lashed out at her and for saying horrible things. This was before I found out about the other guy.

I have since Dec 2011, started volunteering, continue to work, live at my parents house but just feel lost, alone and sad.

Despite not having many friends I try and speak to people at work, also where I volunteer and sometimes play tennis with them or go for walks etc.

I’m 32 and I just don’t know what I want anymore.

I don’t know how much of this split was my fault? I go from feeling used why? I taught her so much, I gave her all of me, unconditionally, despite going through all that crap I never gave up…..Yet she did. She remained the same for our 5 years together, I feel like I experienced so much in that time and despite her words she remained the same person.

I never contact her, despite dreaming about her most nights, sometimes about her making love to other men etc.

I went through a period of 2/3 months where I blamed myself for everything until I discovered she was with him soon after I left, which suggests she was getting to know him and lining him up for when she made the decision to leave me.
My entire area and surrounding areas are full of memories of where we went out, what we did together etc etc

I just wish I could move on…..

I feel like I made a big mistake moving out of our flat it was in nice area and had a lot of good things about it. Yet again, I am changed where I lived, what I do each day whilst she remains the same, in the same property we found together and in the same job. This at time makes me angry.

I don’t know if I was used or whether I brought it on myself?

She never contacts me and I never contact her, so I know there is no going back and I never would anyway, why? She ended up doing to me what she did to the other bloke when she found me.

I can’t see myself getting close to another female despite having so much love inside me and feeling that only love will help me totally forget her.

I cannot believe how she can just jump into bed with another bloke and now that’s ended I believe she is with someone else, despite me feeling so much pain. It hurts so bad. That pain is something I would not wish on my enemy what to speak of someone I spent 5 years with.

I did for 3 months take time out of work and volunteer, some think I always wanted to do and it felt great. However I have been back for 2 months trying to cope with my feelings and my mind.

Your thoughts and views would be appreciated.

This is the first time I have wrote about what happened so apologies if its confusing or hard to follow.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

It's not hard to follow, just a bit long.

You got wrapped up in work and school, your girlfriend may have felt somewhat neglected, so she went and found another guy, probably BEFORE she dumped you not immediately AFTER.

She's a coward, she cheated, but at this point it's moot because she's moved on.

Now you need to do the same.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

i worked hard for us, for our future, even opted to study to better our future.

now, today , i have nothing, this is misery....

how do i move on from this misery?

every minute, every day is so hard, i just keep going, feel like a dead man walking...

why not say how you feel? i always gave her so much opportunity, i loved listening to her, i always explained the importance of communicating...

i feel as if i have been chewed up and spat out...


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

xirokx said:


> i worked hard for us, for our future, even opted to study to better our future.
> 
> now, today , i have nothing, this is misery....


You, me and every other guy (or woman) who went to school, worked long hours to support a family and ended up in a small apartment or living with a relative because the stay at home spouse decided to seek solace elsewhere and filed for divorce and the hard working spouse ends up paying so much in support that they can't afford a nice life for themselves.



xirokx said:


> how do i move on from this misery?


Accept that this particular chapter of your life is over and turn the page, and understand there's a lot of damage, some of which will never be fixed but work with what you've got left.




xirokx said:


> why not say how you feel? i always gave her so much opportunity, i loved listening to her, i always explained the importance of communicating...


She wasn't interested, she isn't interested. You don't have what she's looking for. Maybe nobody is what she's looking for, maybe she'll be searching for the rest of her life, either way she's no longer your problem. Stop renting her free space in your head.



xirokx said:


> i feel as if i have been chewed up and spat out...


Because, you have.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

how can people be so cold? 

I often wonder what is the best way to react if i bump into her...I probably would just say hi and carry on walking...after all theres nothing more to say / do?

Knowing what you have just said, how can you move on? when I speak to women I cant even look at them...

I feel like all she wanted was to be married and have kids and even then if the marriage ended she wouldnt care, as she would have kids to tend to...again using someone for her own advantage, but in the name of love, thats a bitter pill to swallow

I think a week after she split up with the other guy she was looking for and possibly found another guy...trouble is to look at, to talk to her you would never know she is so carniving...

I just cannot believe how much of my time she took...

I feel so grateful I didnt marry her or have kids with her...

Perhaps thats why I never found the job for me in our time together and someone somewhere inspired me to go to college becuz in the end they knew she would simply walk away and jump on another man....like she did with me..


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

It's a minor detail but if people are dating, If they have a boyfriend but no ring on their finger, they are available by default. It's like a part time job. You have absolutely no reason to be loyal to a company that won't hire you full time. You didnt take her from anyone that really had her as his own anyway.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

is it normal to blame yourself even when she started to see someone else?

is it normal to go through all the what if's and what more could I have done, even when you know deep down there is nothing more you could have given short of your own blood...



> It's a minor detail but if people are dating, If they have a boyfriend but no ring on their finger, they are available by default. It's like a part time job. You have absolutely no reason to be loyal to a company that won't hire you full time. You didnt take her from anyone that really had her as his own anyway.


she was my fiancee....

Available by default? so you setup all these plans with someone, work your backside off to acheive them and just because shes not married to you, she doesnt have to be loyal? thats a pretty brutal ideaology you have there...

Based on what you are saying, every woman with a ring on their finger doesnt stray? or leave their partner...if that were true this forum wouldnt really exist.

Finally I think its a blessing in disguise I never got married to her if her answer is always to line up someone else and move on when she doesnt get what she wants and especially when she cannot communicate nor if she is willing to change much herself but expects her partner to...


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

No I am just saying you mention twice she was with someone when she met you. Unless she has a ring in her finger she is available so don't beat yourself up about that. Yes, when she was your fiancé that was a commitment to be honored, and she didn't.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

I work 2 days a week (12hr shifts) and volunteer some days...

I have so much spare time on my hands I am trying to fill it as the minute I do nothing all the feelings come running back...

I have considered a full time job but having come out of a career before I dont want to go back down that road...

I really wish I could find some kind of work that I enjoy and get lost in that.

Also living back with parents was a stupid mistake, its nice having people around but sometimes its harder.

Lack of space is an issue, I am looking for a place to rent..

I found out 6 months after she moved on she split with the other guy and is now pursuing other men. All this after 5 years, just seems absurd.

She did send me a text on my birthday which I ignored...It said something like "happy birthday, all the best"

Which I intrepreted as, "dont get any funny ideas, im just saying happy birthday" like why even bother? to satisfy her own mind probably...

The more I look at it the more I see it was about her, I am so grateful we didnt get married but now I am struggling to move on..

I know time is an issue, routine is another issue, lack of friends is another issue, goals are an issue, a roadmap is also an issue, career is also an issue, as is getting a place of my own...

With so many issues, I just dont know where to begin...

HELP!!!


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Went to do some more voluntary work today and boy did it feel good.

It always feels good when I keep myself busy

I dont get bogged down with all the things I need to do i.e. look for a place to live, find a career etc

I had this thought whilst there...

Why do I think about what happened so much? Why do I tell everyone I meet, even if i try not to, it just comes out and I feel like an ass for saying so...

The EX couldnt and doesnt care less and perhaps she hasnt looked back because she really was unhappy.

So I need to work on myself right now, working on having some friends around me, work on me and maybe all these negative feelings keep resurfacing because a) the time i have on my hands but b) because it stops me from working on me?

I dont know how much of this is true but its going around my head...

Like if I had an active social life and things to do during the day I dont think I would think about it that much so less pity parties but the fact i dont seem to give rise to the pity parties.

How do I get away from this?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

had a long harsh day at work....

why is it always when you are tired and down you think about the past the most?

Driving back to where I live (I cant call this place home, dont ask why, just cant) I had so many thoughts about my ex, stupid things like saying good night, making plans for dinner, having a chat about everyday things....GOD I miss those things so much...

I really find the rollercoaster of lifes ups and down unbearable at times...Like last night I had a great night with friends, it felt so good then I come back home to today after work and feel like the biggest loser ever...

Concentration levels are low, determination is non existant, positivity (whats that), what is the point anymore, really I just dont know...

At times I get so angry with myself when looking for a new place to rent, I put so much energy and effort into setting up our place, in all the details, and then when she told me she didnt love me and met someone else "a friend", that day I packed an overnight bag and went back to my parents...I have been here since...I just cant believe she finds someone else, gets a ready made place, has a good job and salary whilst I went back to college to try and get a better career (which I have dropped out of since as i cant cope with much head work right now), stuck in a job I cant stand, living at home with parents...

How the heck does that work!!!!

I must have been so blind and stupid to poor my heart and soul into this one human being, to be that far head over heals to forget my own needs and even now 9 months on, I cant get her out of my head....Its ruining me!!! I am standing by and letting things shatter all around me and feel helpless....

Is loving someone really like this bad that when it ends, you literally.......DIE.....

Dead man walking, thats me, I dont know who I am or what I want, all I know is that I am a shadow of my former self....

Where have i gone, when will i come back?

I wish I had some support, lack of friends, family support is non existant they exist in flesh only, its just the way it is...

how many more people can I go and tell how I feel? for whilst you speak it feels good and then all you end up with is the sorrow and more pain...


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

xirokx said:


> Dead man walking, thats me, I dont know who I am or what I want, all I know is that I am a shadow of my former self....
> 
> Where have i gone, when will i come back?
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're struggling with some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

You need to find some inner strength, don't depend on anyone else but yourself, and get this downward spiral stopped, and turned around. Find some positives in your life and build from there.

It gets better.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

From Apr to July I went through this period when I totally didnt think about her at all.

I was purusing a dream of mine, living out in a different place and thought life had really changed and was enjoying it.

Until the time when what i was doing stopped working for me due to health issues I couldnt pursue it. It was something I always wanted to do.

It was like double whammy...

Losing out again on something I loved and always wanted to pursue brought back all the hurt and pain from my breakup.

Believe you me I try and dig deep and find the positives and try and do things for me. Its ok when Im work or out volunteering or playing tennis or keeping busy...

The minute I get back to my parents place and come up to my room...

It just hits home hard and boy does it hurt...

Its like watching the same program every night...

Even though you no there is no point your mind keeps replaying it...


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Are you in counseling?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

no im not... I am joining a mens support group in a fortnight though...

Having a real bad day today mainly because i am so bored i have so much time on my hands...

I have stayed away from volunteering due to falling into a crap sleeping routine these last 2 weeks and I feel as if i am climbing the walls..

The past keeps coming up its so painful, like today I remembered the day we split.

She woke up and told me she didnt love me and that she couldnt support me emotionally and then went out to a concert with her friends. Who could do that? That same day I had 2 bits of bad news a) my aunt died and b) I discovered the course I was doing was a total waste of time ...........PLS HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS???

The next day I tried to find out more from her and she sat on the bed and had this smirk on her face. 

Little did I know she was already seeing someone else...

Whilst I remained in our flat for 2 weeks she went home and came back.

I then discovered this new guy had been texting her and I said to her how could she find someone else so quick and that I thought she was cheating, she replied "I am not cheating and anyway he is just a friend, after we split up" .......PLS HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS???

I know now she was seeing him and they split a few months ago...

I gave her 5 years, I tried my best, I listened, I supported, I encouraged, we went away on holidays, we both had well paid jobs until I decided to go back to education so that once married i could do more around the place.....She just threw it all away...

Sure with hindsight I can see I have alot of issues such as seeking approval and being a Mr Nice Guy but days like this I question whether she loved me at all....

Breaks my F*******G heart, the pain....

I am couped up in a room at my sisters and its torture, I am grateful I had this place to run to but feel as if I had out stayed my welcome...

I cant even get along with my family so keep away, stay out of their way...They all talk together about issues, problems and me, when I speak they listen...Its not their fault, they cant support me...

I have no "safe" friends and I just feel days like this I am fighting..

When I am volunteering its great, I forget but when I come back here it all comes flooding back, my family, my ex, my situation...

I could do with a big hug right now, put my feet up on a sofa and just talk to someone...

My confidence and self esteem are like a yo yo, this is emotional warfare...

I just pray the mens support group can help me sort out my head and situation so I can start again, this time depending on me and a few "safe" people I pray I find...

I am adamant I dont want to be a fixer or rescuer anymore, I dont want to take this into another relationship and that I want to learn how to heal myself by working through these issues with professionals..

I just pray I am strong enough and dont give in to the temptations of someone...That is not what I need but I am a man and at times crave female attention ....


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

There isn't anything to understand. Your jobs aren't the problem, she isn't the problem. You can't accept that you are making bad choices for yourself and expecting things to work out anyway. 

You are suffering for not reason. STOP!

She isn't there hasn't been with you for months and you keep dwelling on ghosts. We can't get that to stop for you. Make the step to put it out of your mind. 

You need to see that you drove her away with your state of mind and constant insecurity. Ask yourself this, would you want to be with you? The only thing to do is give yourself hope, be optimistic, be confident. Life really is what you make it. If you want happiness, be happy. If you want success, be and act successful. If you want a job or education you love, pursue it even with your disability. Stop taking yourself out of the game, due to these injuries.

Everything is a choice, literally EVERYTHING. Look at what you are choosing right now, and do the opposite. Then make that a habit. You'll get to where you want to be.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Xiroks,

Have you visited this thread?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/46866-men-dont-lose-him.html


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Synthetic - thanks for the link



> You can't accept that you are making bad choices for yourself and expecting things to work out anyway.


What bad choices are you referring to?



> She isn't there hasn't been with you for months and you keep dwelling on ghosts. We can't get that to stop for you. Make the step to put it out of your mind.


This is true.....I am trying I so am, when I keep myself busy things the subconcious mind thinks less about the past however when I try and unwind it all comes gushing back with a revengence...



> You need to see that you drove her away with your state of mind and constant insecurity. Ask yourself this, would you want to be with you?


No I wouldnt want to be with me now

Insecurities when I was with her? I tried my hardest, went through different jobs, even returned to education as i thought this may help family life by me going into a career that would not see me be away for long hours of the day...

Throughout this time, I made her a priority, I sat, I listened, I encouraged, I supported....if thats me being insecure then gawd knows what security is...

She gave in so easily towards the end, I question if she was down beat I would try my hardest to help her out not just find someone else and say.....SEEYA...I am just grateful that my insecurity and loss of confidence towards the end did not see me digging myself in deeper by having kids or getting married to her in the event "i could have lost her"....



> If you want happiness, be happy. If you want success, be and act successful. If you want a job or education you love, pursue it even with your disability. Stop taking yourself out of the game, due to these injuries.


We all want happiness, especially after a breakup, this place wouldnt exist if we could just "just be happy"....same with success

When one lives with an illness, it becomes a bit more of a challenge in that you have to consider the whatif's....incase your health detetoriates along route to choosing happiness, success....Without dwelling on the whatif, isnt it just intelligent to consider that if this doesnt work I can do that etc



> Everything is a choice, literally EVERYTHING. Look at what you are choosing right now, and do the opposite.


Yes everything is a choice I very much agree..

However when you are in a low position, low confidence, low self esteem, no self worth...making the smallest decision seems like life and death...its difficult to see beyond the whatif's

I am working on this within myself as I need to fix the issues from the past in order to move on feeling more confident and secure...

Consider this, when we are low, making decisions with the same old tools produces the same old results further down the line.

I therefore think its vital to address one's issues so that when they resurface one knows how to deal with them, can see them recurring so can put a stop to them and all this ultimately helps making the right decisions with clarity rather than trying to fight your way out of paper bags for years and years..

You see alot, people come out of relationships find someone on the rebound to go round and round....why? they havent addressed their own issues so whereever they go they take all that with them and when things go BANG again they dont know how to resolve it, its time to put an end to this circle of pain in all walks of my life...

I am trying to that with the help of some professionals its just not a straightforward and easy process as some may feel...

thanks for your reply


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You know. In between all the woe is me and Eeyore complex, you are really a reasonable and articulate guy. I could sit here and go line item by line item and address each of your counterpoints, but I think I'll use my debilitating ADHD as an excuse not to. 

Yes, we all have issues and yes it helps to work through them, but this is how you come across to me. I was having a great day doing my thing replying to those who need to help. Offering something constructive and truth be told putting all of this out there really helps me more than them. I reread it and find the truth in it for myself. Then I find you and get sucked into a black hole of despair, self loathing, and insecurity. Its like listening to beautiful music on a record player, getting relaxed, and the needle skipping.

She's one girl. She wasn't special. There are literally millions like her. What you did was, "Hey, I'm a pretty cool guy. I can provide for you and we can make a future together." Then you went and proved every bit of that wrong and you don't understand what happened. 

A word of advise in the job front, don't pretend you're too good or something or it is too hard because when you do and you cycle through several in a period of a few years. You end up coming off to employers and your significant other as a flake. Now take a look at how you are continuing to come across to your family and the few friends that you have. You are self-destructing everything around you over this. It boils down to the fact that you're not valuing YOU. 

Let me give you a bit of advise from one of your own countrymen. "For there is nothing either wrong or right, but thinking makes it so." William Shakespeare Hamlet Act 2 Scene 2. 

You're so embedded in you BEING this way that you can't break out of it. You don't see that you have a choice every moment to be something different. More in line with what you say you want, but right now, don't believe you deserve. 

I'm confident that for you I'm coming across as nails on a chalkboard and your probably a little taken aback,but trust me when I say that right now in this moment I care more about you than you do. Leave it be. Sit it down. Go out meet new people, put a smile on, don't say a word about her or this to anyone. Then watch how your life can change. 

There is an old native American folk tail that has come to be true as well for me. An elder in a tribe was explaining the nature of existence to a young boy. He told him that you have two wolves inside of you. One good and one bad. They are constantly battling to control you. The young boy asked, Which one will win? The elder replied, "The one you feed."

GearHead


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Be glad you didnt marry or have children! You are actually lucky compared to many here. Your heart will heal. Stop looking back and start looking forward.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

WhatIf's..ahh...the most obvious lie we believe. 

What if the Earth explodes right now?
Nope.
What if I fall dead of a heart attack this second?
Nope.
What if I have a beautiful and scantily clad girl ring my door bell to be my sex slave for the next 4 hours only?
Damn it!
Or two?
Damn it!
What if my STBXW called this very minute and told me all the things she has held inside that have prevented us from being together the way God intended and I was able to hear them and accept that truth for her without accosting her or being hurt and save the precious gift our marriage is?
No, sadly that didn't happen either.

You see, WhatIfs only hold YOU back. Those things could happen and any minute for any of us. I actually hope that the last happens for a few of you. I'm not counting on it, but hopeful. You rely on your WhatIfs, coulda, woulda, shoulda's, maybe's, and buts to stay where you are.

Don't it isn't helping. The only guarantee any of us have is death. When you take your last breath and have that few minutes before your brain shuts down. What will you think about. All that you did or all that you didn't do. Do enough with your life that it is the former not the latter.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Gearhead - out of 40 - 50 lines the below two lines were most helpful...thank you

"It boils down to the fact that you're not valuing YOU"

"but right now, don't believe you deserve. "

Dealing with rejection, low self esteem and self confidence the above could be worked out by a child, dont you think?

Back to the drawing board, you are getting better....PROMISE....

From men all over the universe...."if you dont have anything nice to say, better not to speak at all"

I am sorry I don't fit into your square box of thoughts and made you think a little bit extra and out of the box....

The ways in which you tear apart my relationship, my job, my family and my friends are truly remarkable....

Thanks for your time anyway, in the future it would be better if you didnt waste my time


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

AWwww...Look at you finding a back bone. Good for you and you're welcome. I'm glad to know that sarcasm is alive and well in you. It means at least that there is more than the pitiful drivel that you are spewing in copious amounts. And yes I guess I can be a bit childish, except a child would likely have turned and run instead of try to expalin any of this to you. We, or I specificly, aren't ripping all of that apart. And isn't that what you wanted? Would you rather we coddle you and rock you to sleep? There isn't anything in your posts or mine that haven't been said on here a hundred times over. If you want out of this funk, do something different. Find away to work out this mess in your head and move forward.

I have been there, am there. I could give you my heart breaking tale except it is really no different than yours or anyone elses and in the end it wouldn't really help, but to affirm that you aren't alone. Which it wouldn't take a child to figure that out either. 

Get up each morning, find something about yourself to focus on that is positive, and work towards iimprovement in any area. Will you fall short of a goal or doing it all the time? Probably, but its better than where you are now. Don't sit around alone and wollow in self pitty. When you are with friends and family act happy. Put on a smile and find something anything to enjoy.

If you don't find my advise helpful or productive, great. Then don't respond to me. I will go away. Also London in the fall is awesome. Its a great time to find something/someone new.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

I go to work 2 - 3 days a week,I work long hours (12hr shifts)

On my days off I volunteer, 

I moved back home after the split and its so toxic and negative I cant begin tell you...

I have a small room here, my life remains in boxes 9 months later...

I have had a look at a couple of places for rental, I am still looking...

I need to work out what job / field / education I want to go into if any..

I wish I had a friend (s), someone I could go out with, forget, talk to and just be open with...

3 months after we split I went away on a voluntary adventure that was for 3 months, returned home due to poor health...

Health is much better now, I continue to do the above, to help keep my mind occupied but everytime I come back here to rest, its torture..Even when I wake up and have to go down and be around my family its so negative for so many reasons...

Its one thing to lose someone you were crazily in love with, its another when you come home thinking there will be love and support and there isnt...Even then I pick myself up each morning, despite feeling suffocated and work out how to spend my days..


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I understand. I'm not in that situation, but I can imagine what it is like. You need to focus on getting to a safe place. If you don't feel that you can get along with your family then you need to leave. There is likely something there you need to work on to, but take it one thing at a time. Leave yourself some room for other people to be a part of your life. Right now you are hurt and miserable. You are showing that to everyone, even when you think you aren't. A simple thing like putting on a smile can make a world of difference. Keep reaching and trying, you'll get there.

Look on the web and see if there are any male support groups you can join.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Thats exactly what someone else told me, to find a "safe place"

I have been looking for rentals but am so fearful of losing my job...

I took a 3 month leave when I went on this voluntary program and when I returned my boss took 1 day of me, thats like $600 a month so I am trying to get it back...I just dont feel like fighting much these days..

Anyhow so my fear is that in the event I rent I may not be able to pay my way...then what? What I earn at the moment would just about cover my rent, I dont want to share with others or get a dingy small apartment that would freak me out even more, albeit it would give me the space I need.

My mum has offered to help me pay towards the rent but you know what I dont want anything from her...I see it as a form of control, me still being under her wing...I rarely have taken any cash from her in 7 - 8 years...only when dire desperate, I dont like to rely on her financially, despite that she continues to help my older sister with her mortgage payments which makes me feel angry for loads of reasons...

When I go out and volunteer, I love hearing about other people, I enjoy having a laugh and just forgetting the crap position I am in with regards to my job (career situation), my social life and my lack of friends and the lack of peace I have...

I have signed up to a male support group that begins in 2 weeks time and trust me I cannot wait...

I am also a bit worried about that but am still going to it my all..

I am worried because when I went to the voluntary program its something I always wanted to do, I really enjoy socialising and being around others however 8-9 weeks in, I couldnt keep up with the workload, I started to see everything and everyone in a different light mainly i found it hard to really connect with people...It was like when they wanted something they would be really pally pally and then nothing...this made me feel even more lonely..

I have never been surrounded by up to 50 people on a daily basis, we ate together, we went out together etc and just felt so alone...Like nobody to connect with on a level of openess.....I tried it because I always wanted to do it and thought it was an opportunity to do something for me perhaps get even more involved...However i dont see it as waste I just see it as something that wasnt for me...Wish I would have found out when I had people around me to help lift me up in a way not when I needed it to wake me up most...

This is why the male support group albeit I am up for it I am also very concerned that in the event I cannot relate to them or them me, I am totally screwed...Nevertheless I am approaching it with an open mind..

I pray daily for a friend, to go out with, to share things with, to just open up to....I so need a support system / network of people around me, not to wallow in self pity...NO....but to help me restore my self confidence and self esteem so that I can go back to that fun loving easy going guy who used to always walk through his fears..Just need 1 shot...

Somehow or other I keep seeing this miserable time in my life to help me get stronger but I cannot begin to express how hard it is each day, the pain is there from the minute I wake up however as soon as I go out to work, to volunteer, keep myself out my families way the pain becomes less, but then immediately appears the minute I come back here - my so called family home....

thanks gearhead, its amazing you can offer good advice, don't give up just yet  theres hope for all of us hehe


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

This is the time of the week when the thoughts come back...

I work mondays and am way to tired when I get back to assess any emotions...yesterday I was adamant I had to try and keep myself busy on my days off to keep the thoughts at bay...

I spent most of the day out volunteering, felt great speaking to people and generally having a laugh...

Had to come back home though where the familiar scene of family haunts me (being ignored, not really having much of a convo) together with memories of my EX grrrrr

There comes a point even when you read things its all just ends up being data, you know you have to action but how?

When I split with the EX I thought coming home may be different after so many years out, nothing has changed here on the home front...Its one thing dealing with the breakup without having to deal with crap at home as well, its like double whammy.

I was looking at more rentals yesterday and a viewing lined up for tomorrow...Its in the same area I lived in with EX, thing is rent there is reasonable and it is a nice area so I don't see why I should avoid it any longer..I just need to get out of my situation here and the small area I am confined to...


I am also really worried over my income , I spoke to my Boss again over weekend and he cant give me more hours at the moment so if I moved out (which I am desperate to do) I could just about afford a place for myself as opposed to sharing with others and having to put on a face..tis a bit scary

Despite getting out of the house every single day, the loneliness when walking through parks or driving around takes me back the past..

Today 20mins after I woke up I was out of the door on way to voluntary place, I have been doing this for months on my days off, as I have an illness I have to be careful not to overdo things as it causes alot of fatigue...

The last thing I want is to be couped up in doors having to be around my family...however its a case of if I dont get out, my thoughts come back sitting in a small bedroom on the net mostly and when I do get out I end up getting tired I need to come back here, the family home to rest...I dont even sit in the living room with them because I cant watch what i want, constantly am on the outside of the conversation between 2 siblings and my mum just lays down most of the day....so I am confined mostly to my room which is cramped...

Its like i have no where to relax, to do nothing, I cant even exercise in this room because its too small, something i miss doing...I am not a gym goer and mainly always trained out at home, light exercises etc made me feel good...

I know every part of my life is under scrutiny right now, my health, my career, my social life (lack of it), my family situation, my healing after the breakup

I know if something could just go my way, where I can derive some strength and belief from, I have a chance of turning a corner, I hang on to that hope every single day...

I know tomorrow is a different day, I pray something surfaces...


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

For the last 2 weeks have been having thoughts like writing an anonmous email to her entire company (theres only 20 of them) naming and shaming the guy she got away with and is no longer with...

Then I feel why even bother...they split after 6 months etc but I know she must have been in work since we split lapping up all their sympathy and feeding them alot of stories...

It would be nice for them to know the real her....


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

fantasies are nice if fleeting. but is that really the person you want to be?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

sorry am a bit slow which person?

Had a great day today, went out volunteering all day and then went to see 2 properties for rent...

1 was for renting my own apartment the other was for sharing with a woman renting a room out in her apartment...

This made me feel like crap, everytime I have to make a decision of moving out of my family home, somewhere I am supposed to feel safe and comfortable. Why? it just seems so unfair...makes me angry

Bring up memories of the past, where I was living, what I was doing, now to do this...

Also I cant stand the job I do, its so toxic but I go there for the cash...

I wish I had a support network....

Yet again I come home after volunteering and all the demons and voltures are waiting in the form of my fear...

I wish I could make a flippin decision about what I want to do with my life and how to move on from this crap place..

A few hours ago I was meeting different people, having a good chat and a fun time...now back to reality

I cant stand this!!!!!

I know I have to move out of my family home, my relationship with family members is toxic...Fed up of being asked "how are you" and then thats it...then they sit and talk amongst themselves and I am just left to my own devices..

Its better for me to move out but its so flippin scary what with my job situation and my mental frame of my mind...I wish I could sort this out once and for all...

I am joining a mens group on 14th Sept and start IC on 18th Sept, both of which are gonna cost alot...but I need to do this for me and I need to do it pretty quick...

Do you find making decisions like this easy or difficult?

How do you go about making the decisions you need to make?

What can you advice me about me renting my own place vs sharing with someone else?

Any advice would be appreciated

Thank you

I was supposed to go out later on tonight but I am too tired and the place I am going are supposed to be a new group of friends that stick together and its like getting blood out of a stone, so Im thinking why even bother!!!

So sad and gutted after having a fairly nice day......hate my life right now


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

I wake up middle of the night with more realisations about my past relationship...

How much I bought her......jewellery, adhoc prezzies, engagement stuff then of course the birthdays , christmas and anniversaries..

Now the main reason this comes into my mind is not because of the financial outlay but more so she walks away with all that yet I walk away with nothing even in material terms lol love truly is blind...what gets me most is how oblivious I was to all of this...like DUHHHHHHH

Even when we split she wanted to keep the engagement ring I told her where to go so she acquired another fradulently via the insurance giving me some BS about how she wants to get her teeth done etc...

I walked out of our rented apartment (upon discovering her new male friend) for which we had paid 50-50 towards new furniture and other stuff as well.

How blind was I.....trouble is when I meet someone else how do I not give a woman jewellery and other stuff...hmmmm

I guess it could have been much worse, I got of lightly,

These realisations can be painful and hurt alot at times...

Whats more crazy is that i never once bat an eyelid and calculated this is what I gave you and this is what you gave me....Insane or stupid I dont know? A sign of how far gone I was, I wonder if I didnt do those things if we would have been together that long?

How can you quantify love though? or so I thought is was 

Weird because despite all of that, sure there is anger there and pain, there is a still some satisfaction that I did my best and gave it 100% and thank my lucky stars I stalled the wedding otherwise she would have gotten away with alot more...


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

memories, so many memories...

pain and anger....

going round in circles today, I know I should do more with my day its difficult as I am on nightshift this evening so cant overdo it otherwise Im like a zombie at work...

I wonder if she ever thinks about me, the person she spent 5yrs with and who she watched did so much...

Probably not, she always turned dark when problems occured.

grrrrrrrr so angry mainly out of boredom and loneliness..

I know after all the words and speeches i need to turn this round, just wish I had a single friend I could do stuff with, go out and get a life...

Maybe tomorrow...


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

things seem to be getting worse for me...

I dont even know who I am anymore, what I want, what I like, what I dislike, my world just seems so empty, cold, dark, and lonely. I have no inspiration, no self confidence or self esteem.

I feel as if I am just existing, like a robot going from one day to the next.

Sometimes full of anger, sometimes heartbroken, just alone.

I feel despite reading some of the books on this site, awareness, NMMNG, the Do you love or need to be loved thread I am not making any progress in my life.

I feel so confused right now, if you sat with me and asked me what has happened in my life over these past 9 months I think I would just speak gibberish.

My emotions are all over the place i feel as if I can no longer function but somehow i get each day, mediate, go to work or volunteer and then come home and have pity parties...

I am due to start group therapy this friday and see an IC on tuesday.

I dont even know how to explain how I feel anymore. There is so much crap within I need to work through I am so scared I will not make it and spend more time, i.e. months maybe years and not learn about me...

so confused, hurt, angry and lonely right now....


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Know what you mean. I Feel fortunate with the kids and all, I have been able to maintain some relationship w/ walk away wife. Sometimes that's just dumb but usually it's a measure of peace, that confirmation it's not me, I'm not a bad guy we just grew apart. I didn't want to, I still love her and it still hurt but my conscience is clear and I can feel myself moving on and growing beyond that marriage. 

So for you, I wish you peace. You may have gotten used but you are more than that.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks mule...

Like you my conscience is clear, I dont think Im a bad guy, maybe too much of a nice guy....

Since I moved out, not once has she ever text me about me, she has emailed a few bills over and stated "hope your well" but thats it..

She never once picked up the phone or emailed...

How can you just switch off like that?

Ok admitted I told her when I moved out, I dont want to be friends and when she emailed bills I just kept it short and sweet....I did get another one of those emails a few months back and told her "pls do not contact me"

I know it means there is no going back and i dont want to but I just cant help feeling used...can people that cold? really? 5yrs, lots of memories, overcoming obstacles, promises, dreams and then one day its just over...

How she could just jump into someone elses bed and then when that ended find someone else is beyond me....is that the way to deal with these things?

I am an emotional wreck digging this way and that way to work on my own issues whilst she carries on like nothing happened..

How can she do that it? I am bewildered...


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Did i read correctly she had someone when you started dating her. If so you should have known better.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

when we met 5yrs ago, I found out she was living with her ex and that they had split for several months. I was paranoid but went with it.

She thereafter never had contact with her ex again...

Can rebound relationships last 5 years?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

I hate this happened to you. I can only wish you luck .


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

sometimes its better to say nothing if you dont have anything helpful to say...

thanks anyway


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