# I feel awful



## Outofmymind (Mar 24, 2013)

So my husband (25) and I(27) have been married for 3 1/2 years now and have been together for 6 1/2 years and I love him to death. However, about a year in to our relationship we were at a party together and I made out with one of his friends in a different room. We then proceeded to go to the bathroom together, not sure why because nothing else happened in there except a little more making out. my now husband caught us and flipped out...and when I say flipped out I mean I was actually scared to death of him. There was a lot of screaming and yelling and then we decided to leave and go home. In which the screaming and yelling and crying continued. I felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I have no idea why this happened or why I did it. I was drinking a lot, not using it as an excuse, and I guess was liking the attention from his friend. 

Anyways, we talked things over and decided to stay together. We actually got engaged about seven months after this happened and married a year later. We've had rough times and amazing times. However, lately things have been getting really rough and the thing that keeps coming up when things get rough or we start fighting is that I cheated on him that night. I feel so awful still and I beat myself up over it constantly. I don't know what else to do. I have been faithful ever since and I would never do anything like that again to hurt him. He has major issues trusting me and basically says little things everyday about me cheating on him that time or accusing me of cheating when I am doing absolutely nothing wrong. I go to work, come home and go to bed. I hardly ever go out with my friends and if I do, he accuses me of cheating. He usually does it in a joking way, but still. I literally want to spend all my free time with him yet he still thinks I want to cheat on him.

I really don't know what to do to earn his trust back and it's starting to really take a toll on our marriage. This is not the only thing that we ever fight about but like I said earlier when We do fight this comes up 9 times out of 10. I want to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out but he hates the idea of it. I love him more than anything and can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't know what to do.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

his trust in you has been broken. not an easy thing to get over, especially the way he found out..... at a party- WITH HIS FRIEND.

you usually practice "blind" trust with your spouse, but when infidelity rears it's ugly head, all bets are off. 

your job is to earn this trust back..... again, not an easy thing to do. it's gonna take time. you're gonna take some shots here and there. this incident is gonna be front and center whenever there's a disagreement. it's not just gonna go away.


there should be no further contact with this pr1ck. 

have you guys looked into counseling?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> his trust in you has been broken. not an easy thing to get over, especially the way he found out..... at a party- WITH HIS FRIEND.
> 
> you usually practice "blind" trust with your spouse, but when infidelity rears it's ugly head, all bets are off.
> 
> ...


Yes counselling for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Outofmymind (Mar 24, 2013)

I haven't talked or seen the guy since it happened. And yes I know i have to earn his trust bak..I've been trying...very hard. 

I've looked into marriage counseling and brought the idea up to him and he wants nothing to do with it. So I've been thinking about going myself. There's also a lot of other issues that have been going on. He goes out almost every night of the week and drinks with his friends...sometimes not coming home til early in the morning..I fully trust him and know he's not cheating. So I've been thinking about going to counseling myself and seeing how that goes then maybe he'll think about it.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

This is going to continue to erode your relationship. You need to insist that the two of you begin marriage counseling. 

Are you transparent to him? Does he have access to your phone, email? Does you have each others passwords? Remember there shouldn't be privacy in a marriage, except in the bathroom.

Every time he 'jokes' about you cheating he makes a 'withdrawal' from your "Love Bank", its only a matter of time before his account is overdrawn. Look into "love busters" from Dr. Harley for more in depth info.


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## Outofmymind (Mar 24, 2013)

Yes he knows my passwords and has access to my phone. I am extremely open and honest with I'm about everything.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whatever happened, happened before you got married and he knew all about it. By marrying you, he accepted you and your past. If he wants to complain about something that happened last week or last month, y'all can talk about it. If he just wants to say unproductive, hurtful things just to hear his gums flap, he's wasting your time and his.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Not a good relationship. If this was such an issue for him, he should not have asked you to marry him. You have to bring it to a conclusion. A marriage can not be built on this.

You have also to address the out every night thing too. No marriage can survive that either.

Tell him MC or D. This can not go on.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> There's also a lot of other issues that have been going on.


the thing is, now that this has happened, it's gonna be real hard to address these issues because of his resentment. it's always gonaa come back to the "kissing" incident.

tough sitch.


the only thing i can suggest is telling him you are entering into counseling for yourself, but want him to go with you..... just to go along for support. maybe he'll be open to the idea when he sees how you're benefiting from it.


i don't see it right for him to be going out till the wee hours. he may be "acting out" because of your indiscretion. not an excuse, though.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do you have any kids? In all honesty with you hooking up with one of HIS so called friends and your husband going out with friends drinking until the wee hours, it does not sound like much of a marriage.

Not to go into detail here, but three months into my marriage I caught my wife in a situation alone with another guy (and yes alcohol was involved here also). She swears nothing happened, not even kissing, but I did not believe her. That was 35 years ago. I will never forget that incident and to this day I sometimes remind her of how I felt when I saw them. I never FULLY trusted her again - not when there is alcohol around anyway. By that I mean that I do trust her but I am no longer blind to the fact that she is human and could make a wrong choice.

So when will your husband forget what happened? Never.
When will he stop bringing it up during a argument? Never.

You both need to take a close look at real life and decide if you have what it takes to be married. You are both very young, maybe a little too young for this.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

If he is going out every night of the week then he is not putting the necessary time to maintain your relationship. Dr. Harley recommends couples spend 15-20 hours of quality time together every week to maintain a healthy relationship. 

It almost sounds like he has checked out, and is just waiting for he other shoe to drop. It may be time for you to make a difficult decision because what you describe is a room-mate situation, not a marriage. 

Why are you putting up with his behavior? If the make out with his friend was an isolated incident 5 years ago - it sounds like he hasn't forgiven you. It may be ultimatum time. Either h agrees to counseling or you move on. No children are involved, relatively short relationship. This is no way for either of you to live long term.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Outofmymind said:


> So my husband (25) and I(27) have been married for 3 1/2 years now and have been together for 6 1/2 years and I love him to death. However, about a year in to our relationship we were at a party together and I made out with one of his friends in a different room. We then proceeded to go to the bathroom together, not sure why because nothing else happened in there except a little more making out. my now husband caught us and flipped out...and when I say flipped out I mean I was actually scared to death of him. There was a lot of screaming and yelling and then we decided to leave and go home. In which the screaming and yelling and crying continued. I felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I have no idea why this happened or why I did it. I was drinking a lot, not using it as an excuse, and I guess was liking the attention from his friend.
> 
> Anyways, we talked things over and decided to stay together. We actually got engaged about seven months after this happened and married a year later. We've had rough times and amazing times. However, lately things have been getting really rough and the thing that keeps coming up when things get rough or we start fighting is that I cheated on him that night. I feel so awful still and I beat myself up over it constantly. I don't know what else to do. I have been faithful ever since and I would never do anything like that again to hurt him. He has major issues trusting me and basically says little things everyday about me cheating on him that time or accusing me of cheating when I am doing absolutely nothing wrong. I go to work, come home and go to bed. I hardly ever go out with my friends and if I do, he accuses me of cheating. He usually does it in a joking way, but still. I literally want to spend all my free time with him yet he still thinks I want to cheat on him.
> 
> I really don't know what to do to earn his trust back and it's starting to really take a toll on our marriage. This is not the only thing that we ever fight about but like I said earlier when We do fight this comes up 9 times out of 10. I want to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out but he hates the idea of it. I love him more than anything and can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't know what to do.


Tell the husband you are willing to take a polygraph....If you are not lying...It could be that some friend who was at that party may be blowing smoke up his a$$ about what happened...

good luck 
the woodchuck


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So you cheated on him before marriage. Yeah, you messed up. I would have dumped you if I was him. However, you two evidently made up and got married 7 months later. I think he has no right to keep brow beating you about this. If you have been 100 percent faithful since that night, and he married you, then he needs to STFU. I'm sorry if I offended any other BS's with this comment, but the H could have walked if he couldn't cope before electing to commit to her on a deeper level.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

^ i second this sentiment.

i must've skimmed over where this incident played out 5 years ago.


he can't keep holding this over your head if you've been faithful since that time. time to get stern with him. 

either he agrees to counseling, or you walk. you can't keep living this way.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Unresolved resentment will eventually destroy your marriage if it hasn't already. He should have left you before you two got married if he couldn't forgive you. I also think he likes holding this over your head. It either makes him feel "superior" or he's using it to hide his own faults or indiscretions. It's going to kill you or him but if he doesn't learn to let go now worse things will happen. Even minor resentments can lead to major problems. My WW used old resentments to justify her A, don't underestimate this. Counseling is a must!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And now you see what R looks like when trust can't be regained. It's not pretty.

Some spouses think they can R and try to R but discover getting trust back is not quite as easy as they thought. 

Counseling is the next step.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Outofmymind said:


> So my husband (25) and I(27) have been married for 3 1/2 years now and have been together for 6 1/2 years and I love him to death. However, about a year in to our relationship we were at a party together and I made out with one of his friends in a different room. We then proceeded to go to the bathroom together, not sure why because nothing else happened in there except a little more making out. my now husband caught us and flipped out...and when I say flipped out I mean I was actually scared to death of him. There was a lot of screaming and yelling and then we decided to leave and go home. In which the screaming and yelling and crying continued. I felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I have no idea why this happened or why I did it. I was drinking a lot, not using it as an excuse, and I guess was liking the attention from his friend.
> 
> Anyways, we talked things over and decided to stay together. We actually got engaged about seven months after this happened and married a year later. We've had rough times and amazing times. However, lately things have been getting really rough and the thing that keeps coming up when things get rough or we start fighting is that I cheated on him that night. I feel so awful still and I beat myself up over it constantly. I don't know what else to do. I have been faithful ever since and I would never do anything like that again to hurt him. He has major issues trusting me and basically says little things everyday about me cheating on him that time or accusing me of cheating when I am doing absolutely nothing wrong. I go to work, come home and go to bed. I hardly ever go out with my friends and if I do, he accuses me of cheating. He usually does it in a joking way, but still. I literally want to spend all my free time with him yet he still thinks I want to cheat on him.
> 
> I really don't know what to do to earn his trust back and it's starting to really take a toll on our marriage. This is not the only thing that we ever fight about but like I said earlier when We do fight this comes up 9 times out of 10. I want to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out but he hates the idea of it. I love him more than anything and can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't know what to do.


Does your husband agree with your version of the events? If your husband read what you wrote, would he say, "oh yeah, absolutely true"? Or would he say, "that's not how it happened, I always suspected they had a thing going before this party or after this party"/

You went into the bathroom, and you say just more making out, but you were interrupted by your husband. Something more could have happened.

I agree about bringing stuff up five years later from before you were even engaged being productive now.

Does your husband suspect you of cheating now?

Whatever the case, whether his feelings are right or wrong, they are his feelings and he is not likely to change them because other people say he should not be feeling them.

Do you bring up to your husband that this was far in the past and that you think the statute of limitations has expired, given that you got engaged and married after this happened? If so, what is his response? That he has the right to bring it up forever because it is true?

Does your husband have a side to this story?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

he got engaged and married you AFTER, this happened---so he is the one who made the decision---to keep this going---nothing was swept under the rug

He needs to get over this, and tho he may not trust you completely-----the bullpucky, he puts you thru needs to end

He is being abusive, and controlling---AND YOU NEED TO GET IN HIS FACE, AND TELL HIM IT STOPS NOW

He chose mge, now tell him to conduct himself properly---no one twisted his arm, and MADE him marry you


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Married for the wrong reasons, now are staying together for the wrong reasons. It takes two to work on a marriage. Refusing MC/IC outright is a no no, especially if he's going to beat you over the head with it and the situation makes you a virtual prisoner in your own home.

You don't seem to want to push it out of guilt and he's feeding off it by guilt tripping you all the time.

It's not healthy and it's not a relationship.

Cheating sucks but he decided to marry and commit to you so he has to at least meet you half way and try.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

women with no self respect never cease to amaze me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

It is no wonder he flipped out. He actually saw you do it. That has to be tough.

I would recommend marriage counseling. Need to dig into why he keeps bringing it up. It is an unresolved issue but I'm guessing it is more complicated than that and you need someone to help you guys figure that out.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Outofmymind said:


> So my husband (25) and I(27) have been married for 3 1/2 years now and have been together for 6 1/2 years and I love him to death. However, about a year in to our relationship we were at a party together and I made out with one of his friends in a different room. We then proceeded to go to the bathroom together, not sure why because nothing else happened in there except a little more making out. my now husband caught us and flipped out...and when I say flipped out I mean I was actually scared to death of him. There was a lot of screaming and yelling and then we decided to leave and go home. In which the screaming and yelling and crying continued. I felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I have no idea why this happened or why I did it. I was drinking a lot, not using it as an excuse, and I guess was liking the attention from his friend.
> 
> Anyways, we talked things over and decided to stay together. We actually got engaged about seven months after this happened and married a year later. We've had rough times and amazing times. However, lately things have been getting really rough and the thing that keeps coming up when things get rough or we start fighting is that I cheated on him that night. I feel so awful still and I beat myself up over it constantly. I don't know what else to do. I have been faithful ever since and I would never do anything like that again to hurt him. He has major issues trusting me and basically says little things everyday about me cheating on him that time or accusing me of cheating when I am doing absolutely nothing wrong. I go to work, come home and go to bed. I hardly ever go out with my friends and if I do, he accuses me of cheating. He usually does it in a joking way, but still. I literally want to spend all my free time with him yet he still thinks I want to cheat on him.
> 
> I really don't know what to do to earn his trust back and it's starting to really take a toll on our marriage. This is not the only thing that we ever fight about but like I said earlier when We do fight this comes up 9 times out of 10. I want to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out but he hates the idea of it. I love him more than anything and can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't know what to do.


The problem is that neither you nor your husband have acknowledged that your first marriage is over. It ended when you broke your vows. Just as something that dies doesn't fall to dust immediately, what you're experiencing is just the remains of your marriage decaying. It still possesses the same basic form that it did before, i.e. sharing common life and addressing on another as one's spouse at least externally, but it lacks the vitality or inherent order that used to define it. You don't know where you stand with one another, you can't communicate, etc. That's because you're working that dead marriage like a marionette, trying to convince yourselves that nothing has changed. Both you and your husband need to sit down and have a frank discussion on whether he wants a second marriage with you. From his behavior right now, it seems that he does not. He's simply caught in the social inertia of the husband role that he's comfortably occupied for the duration of your marriage.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Re-read the original post JM, this was pre-marriage.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Re-read the original post JM, this was pre-marriage.


My mistake, I didn't realize that it happened before the marriage. In that case, your husband has made his own bed in this matter. He knew prior to saying "I do" that you had this character flaw and chose to go through with the marriage anyway. You still need to have a frank discussion, but it needs to resolve the situation with a firm understanding of what you both expect, because you can't go on like you are.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> This is going to continue to erode your relationship. You need to insist that the two of you begin marriage counseling.
> 
> Are you transparent to him? Does he have access to your phone, email? Does you have each others passwords? Remember there shouldn't be privacy in a marriage, except in the bathroom.
> 
> Every time he 'jokes' about you cheating he makes a 'withdrawal' from your "Love Bank", its only a matter of time before his account is overdrawn. Look into "love busters" from Dr. Harley for more in depth info.



:iagree::iagree:

Yes you did wrong. 
Yes he is being unreasonable with his trump card. It will remain a trump card for years to come - until you catch him being unfaithful. 

He is being a barfly. Not attractive and almost a guarantee that with enough coaxing and alcohol he will feel entitled to a little payback. Very immature. 

You need to put your foot down and insist on MC or else. The OR ELSE has to have teeth so think about it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm thinking that he may be projecting here. Acting this way now may mean that he's cheating on you, and feeling justified in it because of what you did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I'm thinking that he may be projecting here. Acting this way now may mean that he's cheating on you, and feeling justified in it because of what you did.


Well, now, Larry, I hadn't thought of that. But you could be right.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It needs to stop. 
My take. Start documenting, logging every little jab, every hint, every time he trows at you you wrongdoing. Date, hour, specifics.
Also start documenting his whereabouts, the hours etc.
I also would do some snooping, phone bil, email if he uses it...

Then one fine day "demand" changes. He's using it to behave as he pleases to put you down and to shut you up at every argument. Not cool, not nice. He must change. Enough is enough.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The relationship seems abusive.

Kids?


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

1) You hurt your H deeply.
2) You decided to R.
3) You have been together a log time since the incident.
4) He can't go on hitting you with these picks all the time.
5) He either gets IC/MC and work through his issues or you D.

Either he can move on in some way or he should leave you. He needs to get his act together.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with other posters in that he is being abusive and controlling. He is holding you to ransom. He is using this as an excuse for his bad behaviour, his controlling, his abuse. I also agree he has checked out of the relationship. Which means, if he is out at all times, til all hours, he is very likely doing all the stuff he acuses you of. And more. What is there to stop him? Nothing. He doesn't care about the marriage. He cares only for himself. And he is using his 'poor me' atitude and his 'you are so evil' to control you. 

When you say you are totally transparent, is he also? 

You say you totally trust him. Why? He is out at all times til all hours. And yet you cannot see your friends at all without nasty payback. He has cut you off from your friends while he does what the F he likes. How is this a marriage? This is abusive. 

You have asked him to work on the marriage. He is disinterested and hostile. Start working on you. And start looking, quietly. When he comes in drunk and falls asleep, check his phone. You may find what he is hiding from.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This alleged messing around incident occurred almost 3 years before they even got married. They've been married over 2 years. If it was a deal-breaker, dude should have dumped her 5 years ago. He didn't, indicating he had made peace with it. If he hadn't, he's a fraud and a liar. If she's a cheat, then he's an idiot who marries cheaters. Nobody pulled the wool over his eyes. 
She should walk the clown to the door and show him how it operates. She should tell him that today is the day he puts this dog to sleep. Inside the door is a wife who will be treated with respect and honor. On the other side of the door is a great big world where he can drag around old bones of resentment till hell freezes over. 
He made a choice the moment he went home with her after that party. He made another choice when he got married to her. He's made the same choice every day he came home. It's time his words matched his actions. 
He's welcome in the home but his ugly "jokes" and disrespectful comments aren't. If he can't jump over his shadow, he needs to get down the road and find a woman he can treat with respect.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He gave up the right to dwell on this incident when he married you.

It makes no sense to me really, to willingly choose to wallow in jealous misery.

Don't have kids with him, until he learns to be a proper husband and man.

If he hates you, resents you, distrusts you, thinks you are a horrible cheater and all of this, he simply should have avoided marrying you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a person hangs on to something like this because they are getting a benefit out a display of hurt and anger. He’s using it to control you. 

He brings up the incident, then accuses you are cheating with everyone and mail man. IT keeps your guilt and remorse going. That way he can control you and do anything he wants. And all the while you sit home with your heavy load of guilt. 

Your husband is being emotionally abusive. The statute of limitations for your action in the past is long over. 

You are also being foolish to simply trust that he is not cheating. His going out every night and partying as though he’s a single guy is just wrong. Is he as transparent with you are you are with him? Do you have access to check his cell, his computer accounts, etc? This needs to be a two way street.

Stop putting up with his using the past to control you and his bad behavior.


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## victarion (Sep 7, 2012)

Be as loving and supportive as ya can, I've read here on this site a fair bit and honestly I'm not certain how anyone ever comes back from these things. Some manage it I suppose....


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

victarion said:


> Be as loving and supportive as ya can, I've read here on this site a fair bit and honestly I'm not certain how anyone ever comes back from these things. Some manage it I suppose....


She has been. She is! And where has that got her? 

Stupid post. 
Not worth the virtual paper it is written on.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

He may be using the incident to keep control of the relationship. As long as you keep let him use it as a trump card, he will win the hand every time. Wish I could follow my own advice.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Zombie thread


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Here is some bottom line relationship stuff. Bids and Turns, A Bid is an offer of affection. A Turn is a rejection of said affection. If you have more turns than bids, the relationship suffers and add resentment when it happens. Now throw in infidelity and being busted. He will forever think of these things and will trigger. He is coping the best he can under the circumstances. MC, yep for both. This happening so early in a marriage, this is a preview as to what's coming. Better stop it now. He has lost a lot of trust, you are the only one who can help him with that. Good luck.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

The way he is acting, sounds like he is still hurting, and that the issue was not dealt with properly for him, and rugswept perhaps. I'm not picking up that there were any consequences for her, he just yelled a bit, and they resumed their relationship as before, and it wasn't dealt with properly.

Just because he married her, doesn't mean he still wasn't hurting, alot of men out there aren't even aware of boundaries, and the proper way of dealing with such issues, this stuff isn't taught in schools. He's probably been floundering away in the darkness for years, they were in a LTR, and marriage was just a natural progression of that. It happens. I should know.

OP only has 3 posts on this forum too, not really a definitive autobiography or anything, alot is missing IMO.

Were the husband to come on here and post, I'm sure he'd have an entirely different version of events.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It comes down to this. You cheated on him. I don't need to tell you this or anyone else because you know it too. That is your fault.

Now, he had a choice. either walk away and find another woman or stay. he chose to stay. That's his fault.

This whole mess should have been worked out one way or the other before he walked down the aisle with you. Now he owns it. It's called not thinking.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ZOMBIE THREAD GUYS.

Catfish nosed around down in the riverbottom and dug one up.


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