# Resentful and wanting a divorce.



## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

NEW here, first post.
I have been married 26 years as of this past June. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband due to broken promises and such. He convinced me to have a tubal ligation instead of a hysterectomy although I was fiercely against tubal. He said that he would have a vasectomy if I would have the tubal although he was against having a vasectomy. I resentfully had the tubal but he never had the vasectomy. This was in 2000. Another example is our children are 30, 21, 21, 17, & 15.
When I would discipline the kids when they were younger, my husband would agree and stand with me on the discipline. Later when I would leave & come home from work or the store or whatever, he would have reneged on the discipline. For example, one time I took our daughter's phone, he agreed that it was a good punishment, but when I returned he had given her the bank card to go by minutes for an old prepaid phone she had. He told me that she needed a phone to keep in touch with us when she was gone, because she was a girl, and or in case something happened. He didn't stand with me on that. Another instance is in 2010, I was in college. I received a letter one day that I had made the Dean's list at school. I called my husband excitedly to tell him the news. He exclaimed that that was great and that we would have to go out to celebrate. It is now 2015 I am still waiting to go out to celebrate.
Whenever I mention it he says, well it is never too late. I have never been taken out to dinner for our anniversary, nor my birthday. I have never asked him to do anything I have not done for him. I got a mens cologne sample and I gave it to him, and he like the fragrance and asked me to find it and buy it for him. That was a Tuesday, by the next Friday he had not only the Cologne but the aftershave and deodorant as well. I asked him to buy my favorite perfume which cost about $50, Romance by Ralph Lauren, it was 4 years before he bought it for me. Every time I would state that I am going to buy for myself he would get upset and say no, no I'm going to get it. When he did buy it, I came in from work, he handed me the bag and sit here I hope you're happy, that was said with sarcasm. He has NEVER bought me any item of clothing. I told him my size, I took him to my favorite store where we both knew the manager & I selected three items. She agreed to hold them for one week until he would come back and select something for me. He never went back. He promised to get me an anniversary band that I asked for. He worked at Walmart, and the jewelry department of Walmart still has layaway. He selected three rings and I went and selected one and he said he would put it on layaway and pay it out. I went in selected the one I like the best he never paid a dime. I no longer want or care for the anniversary band. 
We went marriage counseling and the counselor gave him some suggestions to do to help make the marriage work. The next week when we went back the counselor asked him did he do his 'homework'. He admitted that he did not, the counselor asked was he aware that he could lose his wife? He answered 'Yes.'The counselor then asked, is this what you want? He answered no. The counselor asked are you willing to do what it takes to keep her? He answered, 'I don't know.'
What wife wants to hear her husband say something like that?!
We live in Florida now we relocated from Louisiana. I was originally supposed to relocate here alone, but he told me that he wanted our marriage to work and was moving with me here to Florida, so far no changes. We've been here almost 11 years. He knows I am not happy, I have told him, he never took the time to find out exactly why I wasn't happy or what was bothering me.
I've finally come to the decision to file for divorce, but a lot of my friends and acquaintances say that I should just continue on or it's been so long, I should just deal with it. Some say that I'm not going anywhere now or I shouldn't go now. I makes me so angry. I deserve to be happy. But what hinders me and angers me more is the fact that he is SO dependent upon me everything. Every job he has had since we been together, I got him. Either by filling out the app or by being in the right place at the right time. He can drive but NEVER got his license. So I've always been his chauffeur. He promised me that he would get them, but another lie/broken promise. He depends on me to make hustle happen when money is short, he says I hustle better. He depends on me to call social service agencies for assistance and go to the appointments, he depends on me to schedule his dr appointments (I recently stopped doing that, I have him the number & he had to call.)
I'm a bit afraid that if I went through with it, and he died, I would feel responsible. He is 62 and in Nov. had surgery on his heart for abnormal rhythm. The doctor told me that if he had not came in when he did, he was looking at a major stroke or heart attack. He was sent from the doctors office to the hospital and shortly thereafter had the procedure. The Dr said it's good that I got him in when I did.
So if something happened in the months following the divorce, even if it is natural causes, I would feel guilty and responsible. 
He knows I want a divorce & agreed to sign the papers when we discussed it in October or November of last year. But seeing as he doesn't keep his word, that may not still be believable. 
How do I handle this? What should I do. I keep an attitude when we talk, I try not too but I guess it's so much anger, hurt, and resentment that it comes out. I am currently in counseling but still no solution to my feelings and situation.
Any ideas, questions to clarify, or any help for me?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Socialworker2b said:


> NEW here, first post.
> I have been married 26 years as of this past June. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband due to broken promises and such. He convinced me to have a tubal ligation instead of a hysterectomy although I was fiercely against tubal. He said that he would have a vasectomy if I would have the tubal although he was against having a vasectomy. I resentfully had the tubal but he never had the vasectomy. This was in 2000. Another example is our children are 30, 21, 21, 17, & 15.
> When I would discipline the kids when they were younger, my husband would agree and stand with me on the discipline. Later when I would leave & come home from work or the store or whatever, he would have reneged on the discipline. For example, one time I took our daughter's phone, he agreed that it was a good punishment, but when I returned he had given her the bank card to go by minutes for an old prepaid phone she had. He told me that she needed a phone to keep in touch with us when she was gone, because she was a girl, and or in case something happened. He didn't stand with me on that. Another instance is in 2010, I was in college. I received a letter one day that I had made the Dean's list at school. I called my husband excitedly to tell him the news. He exclaimed that that was great and that we would have to go out to celebrate. It is now 2015 I am still waiting to go out to celebrate.
> Whenever I mention it he says, well it is never too late. I have never been taken out to dinner for our anniversary, nor my birthday. I have never asked him to do anything I have not done for him. I got a mens cologne sample and I gave it to him, and he like the fragrance and asked me to find it and buy it for him. That was a Tuesday, by the next Friday he had not only the Cologne but the aftershave and deodorant as well. I asked him to buy my favorite perfume which cost about $50, Romance by Ralph Lauren, it was 4 years before he bought it for me. Every time I would state that I am going to buy for myself he would get upset and say no, no I'm going to get it. When he did buy it, I came in from work, he handed me the bag and sit here I hope you're happy, that was said with sarcasm. He has NEVER bought me any item of clothing. I told him my size, I took him to my favorite store where we both knew the manager & I selected three items. She agreed to hold them for one week until he would come back and select something for me. He never went back. He promised to get me an anniversary band that I asked for. He worked at Walmart, and the jewelry department of Walmart still has layaway. He selected three rings and I went and selected one and he said he would put it on layaway and pay it out. I went in selected the one I like the best he never paid a dime. I no longer want or care for the anniversary band.
> ...


So, you have 5 kids, oldest is 30, but you were resentful about having a tubal ligation? I'm not understanding that as a woman who hated being pregnant twice . (I did, however, refuse to have the tubal ligation since I went through two c-sections, and he got the V). 

In my opinion, at your husband's age, he's not going to change. He's just not. He has no motivation to do so since you do nearly everything for him.


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## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

The tubal was in 2000. Our oldest at the time was 15. We wanted four children and ended up with 5. I was not resentful of the tubal because of not wanting more children I was resentful of it because I wanted a total hysterectomy. I loved being pregnant. That was not the issue ever.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Socialworker2b said:


> The tubal was in 2000. Our oldest at the time was 15. We wanted four children and ended up with 5. I was not resentful of the tubal because of not wanting more children I was resentful of it because I wanted a total hysterectomy. I loved being pregnant. That was not the issue ever.


OK, I know this is not the major issue, but I'm really curious. Why did you want a total hysterectomy and why did your husband even have a say in that?


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## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

I have endometriosis when I was younger, & I always said after I had all of my children that I would have a hysterectomy and could not have to go to through the monthly thing each month. The reason he had a say in it stay in it is because he said that he had a dream that I hemorrhaged and died while having a hysterectomy and he was afraid for me to have the surgery. I agreed to have a tubal which I was against if he would have a vasectomy which he was against. He agreed to have the vasectomy, I went ahead and had the tubal, but he never had the vasectomy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Socialworker2b said:


> I have endometriosis when I was younger, & I always said after I had all of my children that I would have a hysterectomy and could not have to go to through the monthly thing each month. The reason he had a say in it stay in it is because he said that he had a dream that I hemorrhaged and died while having a hysterectomy and he was afraid for me to have the surgery. I agreed to have a tubal which I was against if he would have a vasectomy which he was against. He agreed to have the vasectomy, I went ahead and had the tubal, but he never had the vasectomy.


Ah, ok. Well, that was a jerk move of his, especially considering the emdometriosis that HE does not suffer from!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Socialworker2b said:


> The tubal was in 2000. Our oldest at the time was 15. We wanted four children and ended up with 5. I was not resentful of the tubal because of not wanting more children I was resentful of it because I wanted a total hysterectomy. I loved being pregnant. That was not the issue ever.


At the end of the day the decision was entirely yours concerning reproductive parts.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Socialworker2b said:


> I have endometriosis when I was younger, & I always said after I had all of my children that I would have a hysterectomy and could not have to go to through the monthly thing each month. The reason he had a say in it stay in it is because he said that he had a dream that I hemorrhaged and died while having a hysterectomy and he was afraid for me to have the surgery. I agreed to have a tubal which I was against if he would have a vasectomy which he was against. He agreed to have the vasectomy, I went ahead and had the tubal, but he never had the vasectomy.


Once again, your body is your body. My W has endometriosis. Periods can suck. Her OBGYN offered both tubal or hysterectomy. The decision was left up to my W entirely. She decided to let nature do what nature does. Only a ovarian cyst was removed(the other procedures discusses as a result of finding a cyst).


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

You been together for so many years, why now? Do you really want D? I am sure he was like this all these years, so why now? Where you in this marriage until kids are old enough? If so, then I can see why you want a D.


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## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

I guess now because I have finally reached a breaking point. I am tired, fed up, stressed and do not feel that I can take much more. I have held a smile on my face so long that my face is cracking, so to speak.
I'm tired, aggravated, irritated, and just don't feel like going to take very much more.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Socialworker2b said:


> I guess now because I have finally reached a breaking point. I am tired, fed up, stressed and do not feel that I can take much more. I have held a smile on my face so long that my face is cracking, so to speak.
> I'm tired, aggravated, irritated, and just don't feel like going to take very much more.


Well, the person to talk to about this issue is your H. You must allow him to change to help stop the aggravation, irritation and at the end of your rope. 


Only you can make you happy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Socialworker2b said:


> I've finally come to the decision to file for divorce, but a lot of my friends and acquaintances say that I should just continue on or it's been so long, I should just deal with it. Some say that I'm not going anywhere now or I shouldn't go now.


THIS is the WORST advice I have ever heard! WHY are you listening to these people who clearly do not give a damn about your happiness?? I'm sorry but these people are NOT your friends! This is YOUR LIFE, and only you can live it, and only you can change it! 




Socialworker2b said:


> It makes me so angry. I deserve to be happy. But what hinders me and angers me more is the fact that he is SO dependent upon me everything.


Him being dependent on you is not YOUR problem. He is a grown man, he can take care of himself but doesnt because YOU do it for him. If you divorce him, you will see a whole different person who actually does for himself. And if he doesnt...again, not your problem. Grownups take care of themselves. He is not going to change. And YES, you DO deserve to be happy! 

Read my signature below!


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## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

Just an update to everyone who read and or replied to my letter. Well today, I finally and went and got the paperwork to start the divorce. I feel a little bit trepidatious but I also feel relief knowing that this is finally coming to pass. Thank you all for your support and advice.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

He is not stepping up to the plate because you have been doing everything for him. You drive him around - so he doesn't need a license. You call his doctor - so he doesn't have to. You take care of things financially - so he doesn't need to.

You have enabled him to be this way all these years. Now, you realize it was a big mistake.

Stop enabling him. Only then will he act like an adult. If you treat him like a child, he will always be a child...and children don't buy us anniversary bands or Romance perfume.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Orange is right. He is like this because you made it easy to be this way. If you do the same thing in your next relationship, you'll just get the same result. Meanwhile, you can start NOT doing everything in THIS marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

From reading through your post, none of your resentment stems from anything he did or didn't do, it ALL comes from whatever things YOU'VE chosen to do or not do.

When you were in marriage counselling, why did all the change have to come from him? You were the one with all the control about what you were willing to do for him all these years. When you did something for him, did you do it because you loved him and it helped your entire family, or did you do it because you were making a covert contract in which you required him to do according to whatever unfulfilled need you had that he was already proving unable or unwilling to meet? What did the counsellor task YOU with?

I know that being partnered with someone whom is not self-actualized can be straining, but you two have raised 5 kids already, while he was clearly struggling with his depression and working at Walmart (and not a management position by the sounds of it). Sounds like he burned out long ago.

It's entirely your choice whether you need to leave this marriage or not, but the real solution to your happiness has nothing to do with your husband, absent vs present. And also keep in mind you will be empty nesters soon, and for him I suspect it will help restore some of his energy and vitality which just may be enough to allow him to feel unstuck and painted in the corner like I suspect he would say he feels like. OTOH, perhaps he has had too many years of bad habits and will choose to not work at any self-improvement and will fester in solitude. But either way that's not your problem.


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## Socialworker2b (Jul 7, 2015)

The counselor didn't ask me to do anything. I'm not sure if I stated it but, I have never wanted or asked H to do ANYTHING I had not done for him. Surprise me with gifts, take me out to eat, write/send me love letters, go to the movies with me, but me a birthday cake, go on trips out of town and such. Keep your word on promises he made to me. Now, I've gotten the divorce papers and commenced to filling them out, he now cooks for me when food is cooked that I don't eat, he helps me in the kitchen when I'm preparing family dinner, he calls to check on me, stuff like that. I'm afraid to let me guard down and accept it at face value b/c he has done these things before and slipped back.I don't want to get hurt or get my hopes up to be hurt again. He doesn't know that I have the divorce paperwork. Is this behavior normal? He told me that he would willingly sign it when I got it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him you have it. That you haven't decided what to do with it yet, or that you're going to put it through but you don't know when you're going to finalize it. You can make it go as slow as you want. Stretch it out til next year. If he's still being a better partner in 2016, you can consider not finalizing the divorce. If he can keep it up that long, he may really have finally 'gotten it.'


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