# Not sure what else to do



## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

This is my second time posting here, but things have changed dramatically since my first posting. A little background... My husband and I have been together since high school, getting married after 6 years together and shortly after our first child was born. We have been married 12 years and have 3 beautiful children together.

Over the last four years, I have literally watched him fall apart. Without all the vivid details, issues with employment led to issues with drinking and sex became nearly nonexistant. From there, depression (in my opinion) set in and he started to withdraw from me and our children. My job requires me to be gone a lot and I have always been able to trust him to take care of our kids. This last week, we had two incidents where he did not pick up the kids from school as he was supposed to, forcing me to leave work. Additionally, I discovered that he has been sleeping with someone from work by reading text messages and facebook conversations on his phone and accounts.

Friday afternoon, I confronted him about it. Fortunately he didn't even try to deny it, but admitted that he has been miserable for "as long as he can remember." After much discussion, the possibility of an open marriage was proposed. So - long story not short - my question is can an open marriage work? Is it possible, with the focus placed on the children, for two people to coexist in that situation? Can jealousy be overcome and honesty be appreciated? Divorce is not really an option for us (for multiple reasons).


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you considered a legal separation? It might be a better alternative. It sounds like your kids might be in an unsafe situation. Only you can determine that.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

NO.

The concept of an "Open Marriage" is insane. I can't imagine that it would work for you.

At one point in my 'story', my wife and I actually considered staying married while continued the affair. No "open" actually, but the feeling is the same.

It was a Thursday night when I realized that my wife planned to get up the next morning, get all made up and dressed up, go to work, and then not come home until....??? Maybe all weekend? She'd be screwing somebody else instead of me.

Can you even remotely imagine what I felt like...what went through my mind and spirit that evening?

Well I put an end to it right then and there. She ended up seeing him anyway, but secretly.

Anyway - I had to get a lawyer to demostrate to my wife that I was clear about kicking her out if she didn't stop. You might try the same thing.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I haven't considered a legal separation as I don't want him to leave. I already know that he's seeing her - I think I'd rather that he was honest about it. I think that I can contend with him having sex with her - as long as I know that he's committed to our kids above all else. Splitting up our family is not even an option. I'm not terribly jealous, and I love him enough that above all else I don't want him to be miserable. If this is what it takes (as long as he is discrete and maintains focus on the kids), I think I can live with it. 

Am I totally insane? You have to understand the long history here - there have been other instances of infidelity on his part and we've survived it. I'm not sure I see how this is much different except that I'm not wondering anymore.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Mom, I feel that I can relate to your experience because of what I've been through. I desperately want to keep my family together. So to help that happen, I took on the responsibility for 'fixing' what was wrong, even though it was my wife who was cheating on me. I kept catching her too.

At one point I was actually willing to let her keep cheating on me to keep the family together - but couldn't stand it. She like the fact that I stood up for her.

But she never actually ended the affair until I showed her the END OF OUR MARRIAGE. That is when she BELIEVED that should could actually lose it all - husband, kids, home....

I wish I had put the ultimatum down right at the beginning, when I first caught her. It would have spared us a lot of grief.

You say "splitting the family" is not an option. I understand that and hold that feeling myself. But I had to get to that point where it WAS an option in order to go see an attorney.

I love my wife and want to recover from this. We have work to do, but at least we're heading in the right direction. It was rough when we were at the spot you and your husband are right now.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes you are.. To put it blunt.. A marriage is about 2 people commiting to each other for the rest of their life. Does that sound like an open marriage?? The kids need to see a constructive marriage. If the 2 parents work together and function as a family it teaches your kids how to be a fmaily in their future. If you allow this practice all your doing is allowing your kids to accept the same thing in their marriages. Do you think it's acceptable for any of your kids to be in a marriage like that?? If the answer is no then that is also your answer. Stand up for yourself and demand better. You deserve it..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't believe most people could handle an open marriage, but it really varies from one person to the next. If for you and your husband this is a better option than him stopping the affair & trying to repair the issues within your marriage Or divorce, then I suppose it's worth a try. If you are truely okay with moving forward with this, I would also consider that if he will step outside of your marriage and disrespect you in this way, what is to stop him from deciding to move out at some point (if the OW pressures him to do so)...it just sounds like he is doing what makes him happy and not concerned about your feelings.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good points by Sven and LH.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

swedish said:


> I don't believe most people could handle an open marriage, but it really varies from one person to the next. If for you and your husband this is a better option than him stopping the affair & trying to repair the issues within your marriage Or divorce, then I suppose it's worth a try. If you are truely okay with moving forward with this, I would also consider that if he will step outside of your marriage and disrespect you in this way, what is to stop him from deciding to move out at some point (if the OW pressures him to do so)...it just sounds like he is doing what makes him happy and not concerned about your feelings.


You have much more tact then I do


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Sven - the issue becomes that I can't fix what's wrong. That is something that he has to do and be willing to do. Since our discussion and arrangement were set, the man I married (the good husband and father) has appeared again. It's almost as if giving him permission allowed that man to escape again. For the first time in years, he has stepped up, is participating in family activities again, and actually helping around the house. I think everyone needs a little escape - and maybe this is his. I haven't been unfaithful and have no plans to be, but I can't stand to see him miserable anymore. 

Loving Husband - Thanks for your words. They are appreciated. Please don't think that I'm not standing up for myself - in fact, that's exactly how I see this. I'm standing up for my family and ensuring that we stay together. Would I want my children in the same situation? I'm not sure. I think the old definition of marriage is simply not applicable anymore. When people used to take their vows, until death was a relative term. Most folks didn't have the chance to stay with the same person for 50+ years. I'm not even sure monogamy is the best plan in that denies basic biological need for sex. This discovery has really made me rethink my stance on many issues. I've watched too many of our friends and family in nasty, brutal divorces. If we can maintain a healthy emotional relationship while allowing for the possibility of alternate physical relationships, I'm not sure I see the downside. Again - I've never been unfaithful and have no plans to be so, but I'm not sure that marriage and sex aren't mutually exclusive things.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

If you care mostly about yourself, dump the dog and find a decent man who will love you.

If you care mostly about your children, you need to think.

Open marriage? If you have to ask, the answer is probably no. Very very very few people can deal with this. It begins badly, and it gets much worse with time.

Fake marriage? Many people do this. Have separate lives, but live under the same roof and cooperate while the kids are small. It is very difficult, but (unlike open marriage) gets easier with time. Immediately cut physical bonds with your husband, and work hard to change emotional contact to "good friend" rather than "life partner". Separate sleeping arrangements are a must.

Fix marriage? If you want to fix it, the first think you have to do is kick him out. Unfortunately, the shock of abandonment is frequently the only tool that can awaken a cheater and produce serious change. You may think that he will just go to the arms of the other woman, but the highest probability of repairing a marriage begins with this step because it forces the cheater's "perfect fantasy life" to confront real life.

Good luck.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

swedish - See response posted above. Isn't being honest about stepping out more respectful than sneaking around? I'd really rather know about it than just guess. We've established some ground rules together after hours and hours and hours of discussion. Neither of us have ever had the opportunity to be selfish, to put ourselves first. Our first child was born when I was 20, he was 22. Would the OW ever pressure him? Possibly. That, however, is one of the ground rules. This family comes before anything and anyone else.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> Sven - the issue becomes that I can't fix what's wrong. That is something that he has to do and be willing to do. Since our discussion and arrangement were set, the man I married (the good husband and father) has appeared again. It's almost as if giving him permission allowed that man to escape again. For the first time in years, he has stepped up, is participating in family activities again, and actually helping around the house. I think everyone needs a little escape - and maybe this is his. I haven't been unfaithful and have no plans to be, but I can't stand to see him miserable anymore.


Mom, I'm sorry to disagree with you, but you wouldn't be here chatting with us if your plan was working. It's your life and your decisions...but if you're asking for input then you have mine.

I wish you absolutely all the best. Please keep us updated. As I mentioned, I'm going through something similar and have benefitted GREATLY from the comments and advice of others on this forum.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Alex - My first and foremost concern is my children. For the past 4-5 years, it has been a fake marriage, in my opinion. Our schedules for work are totally opposite, we never see each other, and all our energy is put toward the kids. We already have separate lives - part of the reason I think that it's possible for an open marriage to function in this instance. Perhaps open marriage is the wrong term. We are, for all intents and purposes, more like roommates who share the work than anything else.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Sven - Thanks for your comments. They are truly appreciated. I can honestly say that I'm not sure if it's working or not. It's only been a week. I am very interested in others comments as this isn't exactly something I'll be discussing with my family or friends, you know?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds as though he was only honest about the affair once you found out about it on your own and confronted him, otherwise he probably would have kept sneaking around, but I'm glad he is being honest with you now. 

I would imagine maybe his feeling miserable has had something to do with the guilt of living this double life behind your back, especially since he's been fine since.

How do your own sexual needs fit into this mix? If you currently are okay with no sex, that may change at some point. Would your husband be okay with you in sexual relationship with another man at some point?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

*Loving Husband - Thanks for your words. They are appreciated. Please don't think that I'm not standing up for myself - in fact, that's exactly how I see this. I'm standing up for my family and ensuring that we stay together. Would I want my children in the same situation? I'm not sure. I think the old definition of marriage is simply not applicable anymore. When people used to take their vows, until death was a relative term. Most folks didn't have the chance to stay with the same person for 50+ years. I'm not even sure monogamy is the best plan in that denies basic biological need for sex. This discovery has really made me rethink my stance on many issues. I've watched too many of our friends and family in nasty, brutal divorces. If we can maintain a healthy emotional relationship while allowing for the possibility of alternate physical relationships, I'm not sure I see the downside. Again - I've never been unfaithful and have no plans to be so, but I'm not sure that marriage and sex aren't mutually exclusive things. *

You are not standing up for yourself. You are putting your needs/desires/wants on the back burner for your family to stay together. Not to be a "good" family just exsist. If people took their vows seriously and it looks like you are one that does why can't they be married for 50+ years?? I take mine serious as well and refuse to give up but if my wife was sleeping with somebody else she already gave up the marriage. One person can not make a marriage work. SO if by ignoring the issues you are only delaying the future problems. I doubt seriously you will stand for this in the coming years. It will eventually come to a head and you will blow. I hope you stop that before it happens. If you love somebody you can not watch them disrespect you over and over. That's not love.. How do you expect to maintain a helthy relationship when there is no love?? Lets not even go into the sex part. Just love.. It's not something that is done when your heart isn't there and by allowing him to be with another women his heart will be there.. Nothing you are saying is making any sense.. This sounds like a doormat..

*Doormat Syndrome is where the adult survivor goes out of his or her way, sacrificing their own happiness to please the other. This can be seen in cleaning,cooking, and excessive household chores for fear of disappointing their mate*

The only difference is your not so much doing it for fear of disappointing but more for your kids stable life..


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

swedish - I'm sure that you're right about him continuing to sneak around had I not found out. IMO, his misery has been longer lived than just since the OW (from what I can ascertain and what he's said, it's only been about 6 weeks). He's been miserable literally for the last 4 years or so. 

As far as sex goes, that's a difficult question. For the past five years, I've actively sought sex with him on a daily basis. He has turned it down regularly, enough so that 365 requests have resulted in 50 times a year (perhaps). I'm certainly not alright with no sex - that's not an option, but I can contend with 50 times a year. I have no plans to stop seeking sex (hence the open marriage part of this discussion), but I've also spent the last few years denying myself. Would H be okay with me having sex with someone else? Theoretically, according to him, yes. Of course, that's all theory until put into practice.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> Alex - My first and foremost concern is my children. For the past 4-5 years, it has been a fake marriage, in my opinion. Our schedules for work are totally opposite, we never see each other, and all our energy is put toward the kids. We already have separate lives - part of the reason I think that it's possible for an open marriage to function in this instance. Perhaps open marriage is the wrong term. We are, for all intents and purposes, more like roommates who share the work than anything else.


An open marriage means retaining a romantic love relationship with a person who can and does frequently sleep with other people.

You say your husband is a good father. Your sacrifice in making the "fake" marriage work is notable. You are helping your children to grow up healthy and sane.

The least that you can do to guarantee your own emotional survival is to work towards changing your feelings for your husband. You will suffer terribly unless you find a way to see him as a good friend. Any physical intimacy will be comforting for an hour, and will subsequently lead to prolonged and extreme pain when you know he is with the other woman.

Good luck.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> The only difference is your not so much doing it for fear of disappointing but more for your kids stable life..


That is a pretty *big difference.*

If more people were willing to sacrifice for others, especially their own children ...

Her husband is putting his minor desires higher than his children's critical needs.

To make up for this, a very brave woman is putting her needs on hold for 10 years so that her children can grow up in a stable environment.

Intimacy with the "dog" is beyond comprehension for me, but I suppose she has to find her own way to endure this.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Loving Husband - I respectfully disagree. I can and do love him very much which is part of the reason I'm willing to try this. As far as our family goes, you are right. I'm absolutely sacrificing for the welfare of our family, as I think most people should do. I think divorce (with exceptions for abuse) is completely unnecessary. If you truly want to revisit the historical model of marriage (I'm a historian btw), consider the use of polygamy, concubines, etc. which has formed the basis of and continues to form the basis of many cultures around the world. Even the idea of romantic love in western culture within marriage is a relatively new phenomenon. People used to marry for improved social standing, wealth, property, etc. Affairs were no less common than they are now - but how couple addressed them was significantly different. The family came first. How am I wrong to consider something like this? You say that I sound like a doormat? Perhaps - but at least I have the same opportunity to go elsewhere. I'm not saying I will, but the opportunity is theoretically there. 

Alex - I wholly agree, hence my difficulty in defining this as an open marriage or a fake marriage. It's not fake in that we do love each other - perhaps not romantically anymore, but it is love. We've been a part of each other for more than 1/2 our lives. He is my friend - I seek and value his opinions, I want to see him happy, and he is my partner in every day life. We share responsibilities, plans, etc.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Alex - Thanks...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I am pro marriage but I am pro healthy family/marriage. A marriage in which both adults are particpating in it. Are you confident he will be 100% there even though sleeping with other women?? I hope for your sake it works but these types of situations tend to escalate over time. With him detaching further and further.. I wish you luck..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mo3
Your comments about the purpose of marriage are valid and correct. I am in the rare marriage where the physical part has not gotten worse over time - actually the opposite is true. 

You simply need to be practical about this. If I were you I would sit him down and tell him that you are ok with it, you aren't going to make it tense HOWEVER you have a list of non negotiable items:
1. Kids come first. If he ever forgets to pick the kids up because he is with her he is dead meat
2. Kids come first. Kids don't know about her - he is discreet for their sake. 
3. Kids come first. If he falls for her he does not end the marriage or his focus on the kids until they leave for college. If he does you fight him tooth and nail for every penny and you do as much damage to him as possible in your social circle. 

After the last child leaves - well - whatever happens happens. 

You strike me as very practical. 







Momof3kids said:


> I haven't considered a legal separation as I don't want him to leave. I already know that he's seeing her - I think I'd rather that he was honest about it. I think that I can contend with him having sex with her - as long as I know that he's committed to our kids above all else. Splitting up our family is not even an option. I'm not terribly jealous, and I love him enough that above all else I don't want him to be miserable. If this is what it takes (as long as he is discrete and maintains focus on the kids), I think I can live with it.
> 
> Am I totally insane? You have to understand the long history here - there have been other instances of infidelity on his part and we've survived it. I'm not sure I see how this is much different except that I'm not wondering anymore.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> 3. Kids come first. If he falls for her he does not end the marriage or his focus on the kids until they leave for college. If he does you fight him tooth and nail for every penny and you do as much damage to him as possible in your social circle.


This brings up a good point...since there are many unknowns down the road with right now one other but potentially many others now involved with you/your husband, maybe a mid-nuptual agreement is in order...if either of you should break the agreement what will happen....

I guess I was in denial that open marriage for you meant you will still have sex with him...You are much more open-minded & secure than me...at this stage in my life I could not imagine being okay with that....but I'm learning to never say never.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Loving Husband - thanks for playing devil's advocate for me. I really do appreciate it! Talking it out and forcing me to delineate exactly what I'm saying is very helpful - even if we may disagree... Do I think he's in it 100%? Absolutely. He can have his cake and eat it too... 

Mem - You are very perceptive. These are exactly the rules we have established, with the addition of the use of protection and testing, that he makes it clear to her that he is not leaving, and the idea that this is NOT an agreement to sleep with anyone and everyone in town. If he ever - at any moment - fails to put our kids first (neglects them in favor of her, allows indiscretion to become an issue, or decides to leave, etc.), I have made it abundantly clear that his life will be absolutely miserable. Once our youngest leaves, it's a whole new ball game. I'm very practical - thanks! And completely willing to think "outside the box" in order to maintain our family.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

swedish - A very interesting notion! A mid-nuptual contract... Now you've got my wheels turning. I'm going to look into that! Thanks! As for being more open-minded and secure, perhaps... I am and always have been a very independent woman. Perhaps part of the reason that he went looking elsewhere - lol! I'm always looking for new ways to consider things - and I guess that I'm viewing this as yet another opportunity to grow and learn. As far as sex goes, I have no intention of denying myself access to my husband, and no plan of denying him that same right.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

* I have made it abundantly clear that his life will be absolutely miserable. Once our youngest leaves, it's a whole new ball game. *

Not sure your thinking of your future after the kids... He can have his cake and eat it too.. Once the kids are older it's a whole new ball game but tell me what does he lose by leaving?? No child support.. No alimony. No nothing. Seems to me he is in a no lose situation. A wife to care for his kids. Care for him and he can sleep with another women. Then when kids are older he says good bye and begins his next marriage or next relationship.. Am I missing something here??


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have had a similar conversation with many people about what the family dynamic of the 21st century should look like.

Wouldn't it be great if you could find someone dependable, reliable and compassionate to raise a family with - and at the same time afford yourself the opportunity to pursue and have your romantic needs met by someone who fills that role? We all want it to be the same person, and except for the increasingly rare few, it just isn't the case. 

This really isn't something I desire, so much can acknowledge as a framework that could actually mean _more_ stable families.

But, in this first decade of the 21st century, our social and moral history (although rife with infidelity) simply wouldn't be able to accept it.

So, Momof3, although I get where you are coming from, I'm not sure that you are being completely honest with yourself.
What is the basis of the fear you have in letting him go?

Do you really think this plan truly works over the next ten years? Or, is your true hope that it's a phase that passes, and you rediscover one another under the same roof while each taking laycations with your romantic partners? 

Just too many variables. Sure, he thinks it's a great idea while he is having sex with someone else. Male nature dictates that he will change his tune the first time you tell him "I have plans tonight." And you can't foresee that - or the fallout that could result.

I think it's a bandaid you are willing to rationalize will make the bullet-wound in your marriage somehow better. I believe it will likely make things far more difficult, and far worse over the long term for the family you are trying to protect.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I think it's a bandaid you are willing to rationalize will make the bullet-wound in your marriage somehow better. I believe it will likely make things far more difficult, and far worse over the long term for the family you are trying to protect.


She is not trying to protect her family. She is trying to protect her _children_.

She is married to a scum-bag who has found a way to use her love for the children to have a wife and a mistress at the same time. Life is not fair. Right now, her choice is, put her children through the hell of divorce, or put herself through the hell of a ridiculous living arrangement.

Do you know why her choice seems so unconventional to almost everyone? Because people who are selfless _and strong_ enough to live a nightmare for 10 years, even for their own children, are almost too rare to contemplate.

I would never do it. Even for my own son. I love my wife very much, and I would not have the strength to keep myself from obsessing with ... well, we all know.

God bless you Momof3. Make a room for daddy in the basement, or you will die of a broken heart, which would do your children no good also.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Loving - Nope, you aren't missing anything here. I am not thinking of the future after my kids are gone - I'm focusing on the next 10 years while they're still here. Why not punish him? I have NO desire to hurt him. I've watched too many people that I love and care about go through nasty horrific divorces. Will we go our separate ways after the kids are gone? Perhaps, perhaps not. Only time will tell. Now, should he not follow the rules of our agreement - that is an entirely different scenario. As long as we can conform to the rules, I think we can get maintain a working relationship for the sake of our family.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Deejo - I can honestly say I don't know the answers to half your questions. What am I afraid of in losing him? An unstable home life for my children, their psychological well being in having parents separated, etc. For me? Absolutely nothing. I don't need him for myself - but my children do need him. Does it work over the next 10 years? Again - no idea, but I'm willing to try. Will he accept the idea of my stepping out? I'm not sure, but I'm not anxious to push that particular envelope. Of course part of me wants to test that theory (not with actual stepping out, but allowing him to think so) and see.  I don't see it as a band-aid, but I understand where you're coming from there. The thing is - I'm not even angry about the OW. I'm angry about the effect that it's had on our children, but not the actual sex. I know - sounds hard to believe - but it's true.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Alex - thanks. You seem to be able to explain what I'm trying to say better than I can!


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Oh - one more thing... I realize that stepping out on your spouse is not anyone's ideal condition of marriage - it certainly wasn't mine. However, I don't believe it is the be all end all of a marriage. As far as society accepting our arrangement, it's of no consequence to me. We've redefined sex and marriage so dramatically over the course of the last 100 years - maybe looking at marriage as a partnership rather than an exclusive relationship is a better model. Just a thought...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> Oh - one more thing... I realize that stepping out on your spouse is not anyone's ideal condition of marriage - it certainly wasn't mine. However, I don't believe it is the be all end all of a marriage. As far as society accepting our arrangement, it's of no consequence to me. We've redefined sex and marriage so dramatically over the course of the last 100 years - maybe looking at marriage as a partnership rather than an exclusive relationship is a better model. Just a thought...


Don't get me wrong here but this isn't redefining anything. In fact it's going back to the 40's-50's. Stand by your husband and your family no matter what. You are making a choice that a lot of women did in the past because of having no rights. Now you are choosing to have no rights. I am just trying to say its going to be hard over time to continue this without some resentment creeping in when the heart says I can't accept this type of love any more..


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Perhaps it is going back to the 40s and 50s, but I ask again what's wrong with that? Families didn't split up. We don't fight, we're not rude and nasty to each other. We never have and I don't expect that we ever will - it's not who we are. The difference is that I DO have a choice - I'd be perfectly within my rights to get a divorce with child support and alimony, but it would ruin him. I make more money than he does - if he left, I'd be fine financially but he would not. And again - I have no desire to hurt him. Additionally, according to our agreement, I also have the right to step out if I want to. Again, I don't want to - it's not my goal or even a remote desire - but it's a right even if I choose not to exercise it. Over time, you may be right. I don't know and will have to see how things develop, I suppose.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Given what you outline, then I guess I don't understand your aversion to divorce or legal separation.

If things are as you describe, you won't have a 'horrible' divorce. I'm not telling you divorce is great, but I don't think it needs to be anywhere near as bad as you are imagining. Pick up a copy of "The Healthy Divorce". It is an excellent reference regardless of what choice you make.

My wife and I have gone through mediation, but have not yet divorced. Although I don't really feel that outcome is in question. There is no hostility, and money is very tight. I have been out of the house for over a year. We have a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old with special needs. We make it work for the kids. There is very little difference in terms of how we parent. There is no sense of unfinished business, jealousy or pain when we are together.

Honestly, I think your idea is really a good one. But it's human nature that I just don't think can be counted on. Do you want this guy as a room-mate? In my case, given my spouses behavior both from an interpersonal level and what is and isn't important to her where the house is concerned, I couldn't do it. Take sex and romance out of the equation completely, and there is still a gulf between us in terms of priorities - except where the kids are concerned. I fully intend to continue parenting with her, I just don't want to count on her emotionally or live with her. I already did the sacrifice thing for nearly a decade. I cannot do another decade. I'm not doing my kids any favors if I'm available but miserable.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

My aversion to divorce and legal separation comes from my dedication to the idea of a two parent household while our children are still at home. Studies show that children do significantly better in one than not. We'll make it work for the kids - just as you have. Divorce, in my opinion, is not a requirement; money is a factor as well as I know that divorce at this point would financially ruin him. (I'd be fine - I make 3 times what he does...) He's also suffer socially and with his family - something else I don't want to do to him. 

Additionally, I think you choose to be content. I'm not miserable - perhaps a little sad that things have gone the way they've gone and that he wasn't honest with me from the beginning - but not miserable or angry or anything like that. Does he fulfill my emotional needs? Nope - but thankfully I have a myriad of other people in my life that do. Do I fulfill his? Obviously not. In all of this, my children are my main priority - not myself and not him. I want them to grow up in a stable, content environment knowing that their parents love them above anything else. At this point, my needs or wants are completely secondary to them. Can I do that over the next decade? You bet your life... 

I understand your comment about human nature - and as I've stated before, that is still to be determined. I'm not a jealous person so this may be easier for me than most. I don't (and never have) had a sense of ownership of him. He's already been honest about when he's going to see her - and it's not like I don't know that he's sleeping with her. So far, so good on that front. I'd rather know what he's doing and who he's doing it with than sit at home and wonder. Whether or not this will work largely depends on him at this moment. If I should decide to pursue an outside relationship, will he be able to contend with it? I'm not sure. I'm not in a hurry to test that theory either, but maybe I should be. I'm not sure - part of me is tempted to take up some offers of dinner just to find out... lol!

I'm sorry that your situation is what it is, Deejo. I truly am. But I commend you on continuing to co-parent with your wife and focusing on your children. Knowing that someone else manages to have a non-confrontational relationship with their spouse (either in or out of the house) and focused on the kids is helpful. It gives me hope that this might work! And perhaps you're stronger than me in your willingness to recognize the gulf between you and do something about it!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I think you're making a mistake. But it's your life and I've been wrong many times before.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Sven - Thanks for your opinion. I do appreciate it! I've also been wrong many times before - and sure I will continue to be wrong in many instances. Hopefully this isn't one of those instances!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I wish you the best Momof3, I really do. Please keep us informed. Not because I'm hoping this fails miserably, but because I really really hope it actually can work.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Thanks, Deejo! I will.


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## harleystarre (Dec 13, 2009)

Mom, I don't know how old your kids are but you do realize that kids are a lot smarter than you think and they know when something is wrong between the parents. If you do decide to have an open marriage, in which some couples have done successfully, you do realize that your kids will find out in the future and they may end up resenting your husband for what he did to you.
Also, do remember that they might even be angrier that you did stay with him and sacrificied your happiness, I would be angry with my mother. All I'm saying is that, it doesn't really seem like the illness is being diagnosed but the symptoms are being temporarily relieved (get my point). Whatever your husband's problem is, it isn't your fault or your mess to clean up but he doesn't seem like he is a good role model for your children but you on the otherhand are moral and selflessness.
Let me remind you that there have been many divorces in america with children involved and they have turned out great. Just because your marriage has failed doesn't mean your single parenting will.
Just remember, if you are doing this for the kids, ask yourself if this is really good for the kids. An open relationship? Lies? If you really want to teach them from example, show them a strong woman who will be there for them instead of a woman who makes deals with a father who is only willing to be there as long as he can have sex with other women.
No insult intended.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

I agree with harleystarre. Live the life that you want your children to live. There is the old irony "do as I say, not as I do". Children may follow that for a little while, but as they get older and realize that their life was not what they thought it was, they may resent the both of you. Then they may "do as you do", so to speak. Divorce is not the ideal situation, but either is a life of lies. I agree with a parenting partnership between the two of you, but I don't agree that it's okay for him to step out on you. When he does that, he is not only stepping out on you, he's stepping out on the family. How would your children feel if they knew about what was happening? What will you say if they ask? Will you lie? In theory, this arrangement could work, but in reality there are so many things that could go wrong. And all the years you sacrificied could come back to bite you when something goes wrong. And I worry that if you have a daughter, that she may grow up thinking that her father's behavior was acceptable. You don't want this life for them, so I think leading by examble is the best. Don't divorce necessarily, but work on the problems in the marriage as hard as you can to live without secrets and lies. If you can't work it out, at least you were honest with yourself and your family.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I have a question mom. Who do your kids spend the most time with? Who does the most activities with them ect.? In other words does he play a major role in their lives or is he just available if needed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

In the interest of time this evening, I'm going to reply to all three above posts at the same time. 

Harley - Without a doubt I haven't been the perfect spouse. I'm sure that I contributed to his affair in some way. I assume that my children will probably find out some day and I will explain our decision very openly. I can't say that there would be any lies involved as I have given him permission at this point. As far divorce goes, it won't happen until they all leave. We've agreed to put their needs ahead of our own (we even have a contract as of today that specifically outlines what happens if either of us violate the rules of the open relationship). I don't want to be a single parent - and neither does he. Why would this make me a weak woman rather than a strong one?

Alone - Yes, I will be completely honest with them. It's an arrangement we have and it's certainly not for everyone. But, for us, it is a solution to the problem at hand. There's no lying as I know exactly where he is and who he's with. It's not deception and technically not cheating if you have permission. 

Noidea - It depends on the season and what's going on at work. We split up parenting requirements based on work schedules. I would say that they spend more time with me just because he works weekends and I get 2 days to myself. We attend all the children's functions together. He does play a major role in their lives and I want him to continue to do so.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is all very interesting and I do see and understand the way you hope this can play out. However I think you are very likely underestimating one important thing. Namely how you will find your allegiance switching from your husband to a new man once you have sex with him.

Note that it's not going to happen automatically with the first guy you sleep with though it might. Maybe it's the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th guy you hook up with. It's somewhat random. It is common in open and swinging marriages for one partner to just suddenly go crazy over a new sex partner and just do whatever it takes to continue that relationship.

Obviously this doesn't seem like much of a direct threat to you, as you seem to be the stronger of the pair. But he's going to be on the outside looking in, quite quickly I suspect. You're just going to meet some special to you guy, get laid, go "OMG I never knew it could be like this", and it's the point of no return as you shuck your husband off like dirty linen.

But like I say - this really isn't threatening to you. You win either way. I think your husband is foolish though. Women tend to be the gatekeepers of sex, and when open and swinging marriages occur, there is a fairly clear movement of power towards the wife within the marriage. He isn't going to like it at all at some point, and he will be powerless to reign it in at that point because you will be probably be liking it.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Atholk - You are correct as this is something I haven't considered for myself. In my assessment of things, I believe my husband's allegiance has already switched to the OW, but he is (so far) putting our children first. At this point, I have no desire or plans to find another man. My only focus right now is my children and my career. Will that change? Most likely. Do I win either way? In my assessment, no. This is more of a losing situation all the way around. I lose my husband (whether he is physically present or not). Can it be a workable situation, though, is the question... 

Is all this threatening to me? Nope - you are correct. I am and always have been the stronger of us. I know who I am, like who I am, and he doesn't define me as a person. Ironically, one of the reasons (according to him) that he married me was because I am strong and independent, the opposite of his mother.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think the biggest risk in your situation will be the OW. It is not as if you had an open relationship and then he met her. He met her and started an affair before all of this came up and you now have given your husband what seems to be the ideal option, to have it all.

I just wonder how the OW feels about this arrangement or if she is even aware of it. She may be expecting him to leave you at some point so unless she's content with being a side-dish in the long term she may persuade your husband to leave your marriage...and at that point it will depend on whether he is strong enough to leave her if need be to keep your marriage in tact.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Swedish - Oh, I agree. If my H has followed all the rules, she is aware. That was one of my stipulations - that he was required to inform her that our family came first. Will she be happy with this indefinitely? I'm sure not - as I will not be happy with it indefinitely. It is, however, only a matter of time until our children are all gone.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Momof3kids said:


> In my assessment of things, I believe my husband's allegiance has already switched to the OW, but he is (so far) putting our children first.


Has this made you reconsider the open marriage? Knowing this, will you still want periodic sex with him? Was going out last night testing to see if he could handle it, or do you think you may also be trying to compete with the OW for his attention?


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

It hasn't made me reconsider as of now. Will I still want periodic sex with him? Unsure at this moment, but maybe.... Even before the other woman, he wasn't interested in me more than a couple times a month anyway. It's not that different. It was a test to see if he could handle it. I am not competing for his attention - it's not my style. I'm not a pursuer by nature and have no intentions of starting now.


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