# Jealous/Crazy or Justified?



## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

So....here we go:

I'm been married to my wife for over 6 years. We both have been married before and both got cheated on in our previous relationships. We currently have a son together and my step-daughter lives with us full-time and has since she was 3 so I'm basically the only "dad" there too. I quit my job when my son was born and was a stay-at-home dad for 4 years until just getting back into the working world this year. 
Marriage has been great but I'll be the first to admit that my previous relationship always has my head on a swivel in case something doesn't seem "right". She's the same and we've had our bouts with jealousy in the past.

Recently, my wife has expressed interest in making new friends. Her mom's group friends aren't cutting it for the kind of friendship she wants and she claims that male friends are the best for her personality. She's looking literally for ANY male friends at this point and has even gone so far as to admitting to me that she's considering taking to Craigslist looking for male friends. She's saying that she just wants to be able to have friends that she can get a drink with, go dance with, go to a movie with whenever she wants...and that puts me at home with the kids alone, which is somewhat a normal occurrence anyway because she works long hours and has many mom group hangouts. She's recently started dressing sexier to work which is odd because she teaches HS. She also knows this is somewhat inappropriate as she brought a change of clothes the other day because she had a meeting with a parent after school and needed to look more professional. 

She also stated that she misses the days before we got together, when she had joint custody of her daughter with her ex, when she was able to be accountable to no one and be able to go out half-time and then a parent half-time.

Anyway, I'm anxious/nervous and I feel like this is the same path I went down the first time around. I have MUCH more to lose this time around and need to figure this out fast. If I'm going to try to be "Cool Husband", how do I get past my jealous feelings? How do I put an end to this if it's going to cause issues for our relationship? Literally ANY advice works here. THanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Um, so your wife wants to look for men to date? 

You are crazy if you put up with this.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Um, so your wife wants to look for men to date?
> 
> You are crazy if you put up with this.


She says that there's sections on Craigslist where it has people looking for friends. She's had problems finding good friends in the past and I understand how difficult that can be as I only have 2 or so friends that stuck around when I decided to basically go off the grid as a stay-at-home dad...BUT I also know that before we were together she also used Craigslist to date so the slippery slope has me worried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jk12 said:


> She says that there's sections on Craigslist where it has people looking for friends. She's had problems finding good friends in the past and I understand how difficult that can be as I only have 2 or so friends that stuck around when I decided to basically go off the grid as a stay-at-home dad...BUT I also know that before we were together she also used Craigslist to date so the slippery slope has me worried.


Craigslist is a dangerous place to find 'friends'.

There is a place that is a good source to expand one's social circle and find new things to do that they enjoy.. meetup.com The site is not about dating, it's about getting involved in activities that you enjoy doing. And in doing so you/she will meet new people who enjoy the same things.

The problem that I have with what you say she said, is that she's looking for men to go out to clubs, drinking and dancing with. We call that a date. She's not looking to join a group of people who all like kayaking, for example.

Do you know why some women prefer male friends? It's because they get more attention from the male friends than from female friends. You wife is looking for the kind of attention she gets from men.

How about the two of you get on meetup.com and find things to do that you both enjoy.

I also suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". There is something very missing in your marriage. The books will help you identify them and fix them. Your wife dating other men, even platonically, will not make your marriage better. Read the books, do the work they say to do. Then tell her that you are not ok with her dating other men and that you really want her to read the books with you and do the work together.... Part of that work is that the two of you need to spend more time together, just the two of you doing things you enjoy together.

And if she refuses to read the books and continues to try to date, it's divorce time.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

So.....how many friends do YOU have? How many are females because "your personality is better with women"? 

If I'm looking to actually make FRIENDS, then I wouldn't express a preference of exclusively being friendly with the opposite sex ONLY.

I'm a woman and I'm saying that something is rotten in the State of Denmark, my friend. Is she okay with you leaving her home with the kids on the weekend while you go out looking for female friends?

You're not being jealous....you're being normal.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

jk12 said:


> So....here we go:
> 
> I'm been married to my wife for over 6 years. We both have been married before and both got cheated on in our previous relationships. We currently have a son together and my step-daughter lives with us full-time and has since she was 3 so I'm basically the only "dad" there too. I quit my job when my son was born and was a stay-at-home dad for 4 years until just getting back into the working world this year.
> Marriage has been great but I'll be the first to admit that my previous relationship always has my head on a swivel in case something doesn't seem "right". She's the same and we've had our bouts with jealousy in the past.
> ...


The bolded is describing a desire to engage in "dating" behavior. Add craigslist to the mix and who knows what types of predators she will be "dating".

I suggest IC for her to figure out why, as a married woman and mother, she suddenly wants to date. I would also tell her that _any _attempts at dating will earn her divorce papers. If it were me, I would file for divorce tomorrow (you can always withdraw the filing) ... maybe that will wake her up.

You are not crazy, you are not being controlling, she is the one with the problem.

There will be other posters coming to (most likely) tell you that she is already cheating.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> So.....how many friends do YOU have? How many are females because "your personality is better with women"?
> 
> If I'm looking to actually make FRIENDS, then I wouldn't express a preference of exclusively being friendly with the opposite sex ONLY.
> 
> I'm a woman and I'm saying that something is rotten in the State of Denmark, my friend. Is she okay with you leaving her home with the kids on the weekend while you go out looking for female friends?


This is an interesting subject because when we were dating I worked in an office of women and her insecurities went haywire when I would hang out with them, even if she was there too. Because I didn't want to cause problems in our relationship I cut ties with all of them except one which I see every 6 months or so. She's literally one of my best friends but I've also had to keep her at arm's length because of my wife's issues with me having a female friend. So, double standard? Probably. But she doesn't see an issue with her friend search.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

-she wants male friends only

-wants to have drinks,go dancing,movies etc. with them,while you stay at home

-go to source of friends is craigslist 

-rumblings now that she misses her pre-marriage freedom

What are YOUR boundaries for acceptable married behavior,or are there any? If not,why not?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

If my wife told me that I would take her to the divorce attorney, so we could get the paperwork going. 

But then, she is fully aware of that and would never think of anything as crazy as the idea your wife suggested.

Paint it any way you want, your wife wants to have an affair.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

TBT said:


> -she wants male friends only
> 
> -wants to have drinks,go dancing,movies etc. with them,while you stay at home
> 
> ...


These are not normal acceptable married behavior. I completely agree. That's why I've confronted her about it. In my previous marriage, I tried so hard to be Mr Cool and just let things slide thinking that it would all work out. This time, I spoke up but the way she explains it has me feeling like I'm the one that is crazy for having a problem. I want her to feel fulfilled in her friendships but I'm upset that I'm not "enough" to fulfill a need to just BS, have fun and be that friend. She says I can't be in that role all the time, that would be CrAzY.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think staying at home raising your son has seriously soften your head...the answer for going dancing, movie with a male friend should be hell no.....honestly stop esmastculating yourself. Here is what you tell her if she can look for male friends you can look for gemale friends and she can sit home with the kids....Dude please grow a pair.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

She probably wants a man to wine and dine her. You are basically a babysitter. I don't see how the sahd thing works out for anyone. Women like MEN. She probably sees you playing mom all day then hangs out with other moms. She has to meet with moms and work with other moms, hang out with other moms and when she comes home she has a mom for a husband.

Yeah, but you do have an issue here other than that. She basically told you she wants to live the single life again and she needs you to stay home and play mom like you have been doing so she can go out on some dates with some men. You seem to not care too much about that, interestingly enough. You would rather be the cool husband and allow her to go on dates with other men then put your foot down and stand up for yourself.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

@jk12- for the record, when my twins were born my now ex-husband stayed home with them. He was laid off from his job two weeks after I had them.....and I had a job to go back at week six. 
It didn't "emasculate" him or make me see him as less of a man. In fact, it extended the marriage because of the children.I never felt the need to step out and date others. I was worried about keeping the family afloat and the raising of two newborn babies. I worked in an automotive repair shop with the majority of the employees being male. Eventually a lady mechanic came to work there- and her hubby was the stay at home Dad of their son. 

There is nothing wrong with you being a MAN that takes care of his children and does what is best for them. It takes a real man to step out of the macho facade and love his kids enough to do it without being overly concerned about what others think of him. I have known several men that were "Mr Mom". It's a blessing to be able to spend time with your children when they are that young. Bully for you that you had the experience.

Your wife, who works long hours, should be more interested in spending time with her children/husband/family during her off-time....not seeking more friends to take her away from home. 

There IS something wrong with her request. Personally, I never minded my ex having female friends. He worked with a lot of women and the group of them would meet at times for lunch or dinner. I was invited to these gatherings when I wasn't working. They all remained friends for a while after the lay off. I never minded. Didn't need to be a "cool spouse"...just never felt a threat because their relationships as workmates was easy to expect. There was no need to "leave me at home" with the children. They came to my house at times. It was all very open friendship...not a date.

For you to make this thread, you are detecting a threat. Heed your good sense.


P.S. Jealous folks tend to be jealous for two reasons: 1. Insecurity 2. They think everyone else thinks like them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jk12 said:


> This is an interesting subject because when we were dating I worked in an office of women and her insecurities went haywire when I would hang out with them, even if she was there too. Because I didn't want to cause problems in our relationship I cut ties with all of them except one which I see every 6 months or so. She's literally one of my best friends but I've also had to keep her at arm's length because of my wife's issues with me having a female friend. So, double standard? Probably. But she doesn't see an issue with her friend search.


Remind her of that, and say that if she has male friends, then you will get back in touch with your old female friends and do things with them. See how she reacts to that. 

You should be concerned and jealous, basically she is a married lady looking for men to date.:surprise:

The fact that she has started dressing up more for work etc may well mean that she is either meeting a man there, or is meeting someone before or after work. Or she may be on the hunt. 

She is playing with fire and risking her marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> She probably wants a man to wine and dine her. You are basically a babysitter. I don't see how the sahd thing works out for anyone. Women like MEN. She probably sees you playing mom all day then hangs out with other moms. She has to meet with moms and work with other moms, hang out with other moms and when she comes home she has a mom for a husband.
> 
> Yeah, but you do have an issue here other than that. She basically told you she wants to live the single life again and she needs you to stay home and play mom like you have been doing so she can go out on some dates with some men. You seem to not care too much about that, interestingly enough. You would rather be the cool husband and allow her to go on dates with other men then put your foot down and stand up for yourself.


Actually the sahd thing works for lota of people. I know some really happy marriages where that is the case. I respect a man who goes against the flow and has that special close relationship with his children.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> jk12- for the record, when my twins were born my now ex-husband stayed home with them. He was laid off from his job two weeks after I had them.....and I had a job to go back at week six.
> It didn't "emasculate" him or make me see him as less of a man. In fact, it extended the marriage because of the children.I never felt the need to step out and date others. I was worried about keeping the family afloat and the raising of two newborn babies. I worked in an automotive repair shop with the majority of the employees being male. Eventually a lady mechanic came to work there- and her hubby was the stay at home Dad of their son.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with you being a MAN that takes care of his children and does what is best for them. It takes a real man to step out of the macho facade and love his kids enough to do it without being overly concerned about what others think of him. I have known several men that were "Mr Mom". It's a blessing to be able to spend time with your children when they are that young. Bully for you that you had the experience.
> ...


Thanks. I know the stigma of a guy who takes care of his kids. The truth is that I chose to stay home because it gave me an opportunity to finish my degree and retool to start a new career at the same time as getting to ensure my kids were cared for and save money by not having to pay for daycare. It worked as designed and this issue didn't come up until I started working again. 
I know that her request is strange and questionable. I guess I was more asking if anyone else had the same issue and how commonplace it is. 
As for other replies, I guess I'm finding my boundaries but this topic is waaay beyond what I'm comfortable with, hence me coming here to find out if I'm wrong before confronting the issue further.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Dude when your gut is telling you no, listen to it! This is what the PC world is coming to. You aren't allowed to listen to your own feelings without checking to see if its OK with everyone else first? Hell no! 

If you dont like something and your gut is screaming at you no! Then don't do it! Put your foot down! Who cares what anyone else thinks? Btw, what every one else thinks in this instance is your wife is out of line.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

Ok, so in summary, I should...confront her about it, restate my previous concern about it, say that it crosses a very solid boundary likely saying "if this happens, I'm gone (and kids too)", and then wine and dine her to reinforce my role? My concern is that her statement of missing the part-time family life is a hint that I'm falling into a trap if I set a clear boundary....but I guess if that's the case, she's gone anyway, huh? ****.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

jk12 said:


> Ok, so in summary, I should...confront her about it, restate my previous concern about it, say that it crosses a very solid boundary likely saying "if this happens, I'm gone (and kids too)", and then wine and dine her to reinforce my role? My concern is that her statement of missing the part-time family life is a hint that I'm falling into a trap if I set a clear boundary....but I guess if that's the case, she's gone anyway, huh? ****.


Dude just tell her if she wants to live a single life she is free to do so as a single lady. That as a married man, you aren't going to put up with your wife going out on dates with other men. If she pushes back at all, its over. I would have already seen a divorce lawyer in your shoes. She flat told you she wants to date around ffs!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. She is probably gone. Checked out.

And you cannot change her.

Please don't play the game of groveling at her feet giving her whatever she wants to try to please her in hopes of keeping her at any cost. 

She needs to be loved, true, and respected. Every woman needs to be treated well.

But she must not be allowed to walk all over you and go have affairs with other men. You need to maintain your self respect.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Dude just tell her if she wants to live a single life she is free to do so as a single lady. That as a married man, you aren't going to put up with your wife going out on dates with other men. If she pushes back at all, its over. I would have already seen a divorce lawyer in your shoes. She flat told you she wants to date around ffs!


Bingo.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Was your wife in board with you staying home, or did you unilaterally decide?

And why were you ok with hanging out with women if it's unacceptable for her?

I'm trying to understand the dynamic between the two of you.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

The red flags are screaming here. It's time for a come to Jesus talk with her.

Seriously.

This stuff doesn't fly.

Nice she wants to go to movies and out to eat with men other then you.

????

If she wants to expand friendships she needs to find couple friends for you both to share in.

This woman is on the hunt.

She wants to DATE other men. 

Protect yourself and your kids.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

jk12 said:


> Ok, so in summary, I should...confront her about it, restate my previous concern about it, say that it crosses a very solid boundary likely saying "if this happens, I'm gone (and kids too)", and then wine and dine her to reinforce my role? My concern is that her statement of missing the part-time family life is a hint that I'm falling into a trap if I set a clear boundary....but I guess if that's the case, she's gone anyway, huh? ****.


There's no need to come out the gate guns blazing. In fact, it's unwise and counter-productive. A conversations started harshly (threats of leaving, anger, contempt, criticism, etc.) destroy the other party's receptivity and provoke them.

Use a soft start up. Don't give vent to anger, threaten her, express contempt, or criticism. Instead, make a simple complaint.

---

_"A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global — it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. 

“I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it” is a complaint — it focuses on a specific behavior.

“Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care” is a criticism." -_ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

---

Share your feelings about what's going on, ask her if there's something she needs from your marriage that she isn't getting, and if there's some other way for her to fulfill her need for friendships.

You may also benefit from reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs". You need to be absolutely sure you're meeting her important emotional needs, and the book will guide you through that process.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

A perhaps vaguely interesting fact is my wife would not tell me what she wanted or needed.

Five years into our marriage she let a friend seduce her. I wanted to know why, what in the world did he offer her that I did not. She was at a complete loss to explain. When she tried to explain things she messed everything up and everything just got worse. And worse, and worse.

Over the course two years of pure hell for Mary I learned what she needed. She has never been able to put it into words, though. She is a naughty little girl. My job is to discover what she likes without ever having her tell me anything. At least not with intelligible words.

I think talking is sometimes way overrated. And sometimes trying to learn things via talking is fruitless. Try other ways, also.

Personally I do not recommend anyone try what I tried, it might get you arrested. But hey, you never know.


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## jk12 (Dec 9, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Was your wife in board with you staying home, or did you unilaterally decide?
> 
> And why were you ok with hanging out with women if it's unacceptable for her?
> 
> I'm trying to understand the dynamic between the two of you.


She was driving the "Mr Mom" bus. She was just starting her new career and I was working a decent yet dead-end position.

I cut ties with hanging out with my woman friends from work because she told me that it made her anxious when we first started dating. The one female friend that I kept in touch with was a mutual friend that ultimately she decided she was also anxious about after trying to be ok with it. I haven't seen her in 6 months and she's one of my closest friends. 

Hope that helps.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

jk12 said:


> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> > Was your wife in board with you staying home, or did you unilaterally decide?
> ...


Use this to turn it back around on her. You did as she wished to maintain a healthy relationship with her. She is now asking you to allow her this double standard which will have nothing but a bad impact on your relationship at best and likely will be the end of your relationship at worst. There is no room for this crap in a marriage. If she had guy friends from work, or from some hobby, that would be different. She is asking to specifically be allowed to go on dates with random men. Tell me, what good do you think could come from that? What do you think the guys taking her on these dates will be after? This is so dumb that you have to even ask if its ok. Hell no! 

I will add, I'm one of the few on here who has no issues with opposite sex friends in marriage.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

I'm going against the grain here when I say this. You need to go straight caveman on her. Tell her that your wife will not be dating other men while you sit at home taking care of the kids. Tell her you won't be waiting for her when she gets back. She can either be willing to work with you to work out the problems happening in the relationship, or she can date other men, but not both.

Her boundaries and double standards suck.

I'm sure the original caveman has some good suggestions for this. What do you say @ConanHub


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jk12 said:


> Ok, so in summary, I should...confront her about it, restate my previous concern about it, say that it crosses a very solid boundary likely saying "if this happens, I'm gone (and kids too)", and then wine and dine her to reinforce my role? My concern is that her statement of missing the part-time family life is a hint that I'm falling into a trap if I set a clear boundary....but I guess if that's the case, she's gone anyway, huh? ****.


I would say, 'so you are ok with me reconnecting with some of my female friends and going out with them as well then?'
Maybe then she will realise what she is doing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jk12 said:


> So....here we go:
> 
> I'm been married to my wife for over 6 years. We both have been married before and both got cheated on in our previous relationships. We currently have a son together and my step-daughter lives with us full-time and has since she was 3 so I'm basically the only "dad" there too. I quit my job when my son was born and was a stay-at-home dad for 4 years until just getting back into the working world this year.
> Marriage has been great but I'll be the first to admit that my previous relationship always has my head on a swivel in case something doesn't seem "right". She's the same and we've had our bouts with jealousy in the past.
> ...


Ok. So what are your ages and are you in good health / good shape?

How is your sex life?

She has no respect for you. Has she always looked down on you?

How are your arguments? Are they passionate? Are you passive? 

Are you confident? How tall are you? How tall is she?

What kind of friends do you have? What are each of your hobbies?

Shared interests?

These questions might seem odd but they will give me a visual of what is going on.

Right now, she sees you as a little b1tch or a pet. She has affection and even maybe some love for her little b1tch or good dog but absolutely no respect for you as a man and mate.

You need to work hard to disabuse her of this notion and it won't be easy and it takes balls or courage.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

craigslist? there is nothing good to find besides an used TV ! she shows all the red flags for a cheating spouse in my opinion. don't allow this. get her to go to a marriage counseling with you together.


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