# Betrayed spouses...do you play the "what if" in your head?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

For betrayed spouses do you play the "what if" game in your head? With H's EA sometimes I get angry thinking about what if it had turned into a PA? I have said that to him that the only thing that stopped his EA from turning into a PA was the fact that due to medication he was in which made him impotent and zero desire, that was the only thing that stopped him? H told me to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and that it probably would not have happened...sounds like BS to me. 

It bugs the **** out of me at times to think that was the only thing that stopped it from becoming physical...I often play the what if game in my head about this.

Is it normal to think about the what if's..or am I just dwelling on stuff that did not happen so don't even think about it.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

It bugs the **** out of me at times to think that was the only thing that stopped it from becoming physical...I often play the what if game in my head about this.

Is it normal to think about the what if's..or am I just dwelling on stuff that did not happen so don't even think about it.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:
(DISCLAIMER) As I am freshly wounded I may be biased on topic such as these.

I say yes it is normal, not saying it right but is normal. Since you were the one that was betrayed I feel you have the right to question everything untill you are completely confrotable with your trust level again.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You can "what if" yourself to death. The fact is it didn't go PA. Would it have under different circumstances? You, him, the OW and the rest of us will never know. Let it go and focus on dealing with what you know and moving forward.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You can "what if" yourself to death. The fact is it didn't go PA. Would it have under different circumstances? You, him, the OW and the rest of us will never know. Let it go and focus on dealing with what you know and moving forward.


You are 100% correct..I just wish I could convince my mind of that. 

I am trying to get it out of him if they even kissed he keeps insisting no but to me how are you flirting/going out for dinner with someone over a 6 week period and no kissing...to me that just seems BS. He said due to the medication he had no desire to do that but wouldn't she wonder why this guy she was "dating" did not kiss her??? I would!!!!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

All the time...along with other things...

My H's girl he kissed wasn't even the gal in his EA...so my mind and "what if's" go every direction. Oh and "WHAT IF he isn't telling the truth" and I'm being played for a sucker-again.

Sigma is right though.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> You are 100% correct..I just wish I could convince my mind of that.
> 
> I am trying to get it out of him if they even kissed he keeps insisting no but to me how are you flirting/going out for dinner with someone over a 6 week period and no kissing...to me that just seems BS. He said due to the medication he had no desire to do that but wouldn't she wonder why this guy she was "dating" did not kiss her??? I would!!!!


That's a horse of a completely different color!! You're not asking "what if" you're questioning if you got the whole truth or not - a very different question. 

I took fore granted in my first reply that you were comfortable that it was factual that it had not gone PA at all. It sounds like you're not and I don't blame you. I don't know what meds he was on or what effect they had on him and how much credibility you think that defense has - however I'll relate to you my experience. 

My AP (affair partner) lived 100 miles away from me - I never laid eyes her through the whole EA, we never planned to meet as I wouldn't because of what I'm about to tell you. I promise you - as I did her - that had the wheels of my car ever left the driveway headed to met her there was no doubt of my intention, any hesitation, guilt, or doubt I had I would have worked out before I got in the car. Had we met - we would have had sex - there is no doubt at all. People in affairs don't generally meet just to share a meal.

Highwood I started to delete that paragraph above because I fear that it will plant seeds of doubt in your head that may not be productive. I reconsidered because I only related what happened to me and people are to get more information not less. So I left it. Only you know how plausible his position is, but like you I find it suspect that having dinner with someone he was having an ***emotional** **affair*** with stayed as platonic as dinner with a buddy. That just doesn't pass the smell test to me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> All the time...along with other things...
> 
> My H's girl he kissed wasn't even the gal in his EA...so my mind and "what if's" go every direction. Oh and "WHAT IF he isn't telling the truth" and I'm being played for a sucker-again.
> 
> Sigma is right though.


Sigma is wise! 

I think for me that is part of it..that I will not be played for a fool again..so don't even try it! 

Plus it is gross to think of them swapping spit with someone else..yuck!


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## Shwagulous (Mar 12, 2012)

Highwood,

How far out from Dday are you? I am about a year out from mine, and I don't really do the what ifs anymore. To me the what ifs only happen when I trigger, and recently my triggers don't really even do much more than give me that sick feeling in my gut without very much in the way of mind racing that used to happen. Any more, my what ifs are more questions that I ask of me. What if this happens again? Will I be strong enough to go through with divorce? Will I be able to do the 180? This line of thinking really helps me get over the trigger fairly quickly. I no longer feel the victim. I feel like someone that gave my spouse and myself one more chance to do our marriage right. Just one more chance though. There will not be chance 3.

If this is still fresh for you, then I am sorry. Time at least for me has healed a lot of this. That and a wife that shows me with her actions that she has changed, not just her words.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear ya Sigma!

It is plausible that it did not go physical because of the meds..these SSRI's for some people and he is one of them do not just make a man impotent they also kill desire/romance, etc. Even Viagra would not work because the desire in the brain for romance/sex is gone. He told me that he was flattered by her however not once did he not feel any desire towards her sexually. He said that part of the reason he fell for her was because he was not feeling that way toward me thus he wondered if it was just me however he realized that if he did not feel sexual desire toward his EA then something was out of wack. It was not until I showed him on the internet what these antidepressants do that he realized what was happening.

He is off of them now for 3 months and still nothing...the doctor said it takes time. Those SSRI's are terrible. If you do a search on google of POST SSRI sexual dysfunction that is what he currently has plus he had it while on the medication. It is called Post SSRI..when the effects continue after you stop.

My sister told me that due to how the marriage was prior to his EA that in a way maybe as painful as it was and is that nothing could have made me see the light so to speak than what happened.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Actually 6 months today from D-day...Friday, September 23rd is when it all went down.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

"What if" my aunt had balls?.... 

Yeah... She'd be my uncle. 

When I get trapped in the "what if's" It helps me remember how silly "what if" really is.

I think your just scared to let yourself trust or be vulnerable again. That's why you continue to ask yourself those questons. "what if" is a fear based question, it forces you to dwell on negative scenario's which keep you stuck in place, even terrified. Your not ready to trust, this is going to take time and a great deal of courage. It's a scary prospect. 

If you want to recover your marriage, your going to have to "let go" and take the leap.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

I def still do. I think about okay, if the OM wanted to be with my wife and didn't dump her and run back to his wife, than she'd still be with him. She was willing to throw everything away for him, once he was outted...he immediately threw her away. And guess who gets sloppy seconds and gets to pick up the pieces...ME

R would be sooooo much easier if she would have immediately ended it after the affair was discovered, just like the OM did. Unfortunately she didn't, partly b/c the OM was still pursuing her (which I also look back and wish I would have immediately exposed the affair to his wife, that would have ended it before it went as far as it did and stopped the pos from pursuing my wife).

We live and we learn


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## Shwagulous (Mar 12, 2012)

highwood said:


> Actually 6 months today from D-day...Friday, September 23rd is when it all went down.


6 months in, I was still pretty volatile. Things seemed to smooth out from there. Getting regular exercise I feel was a HUGE reason for that along with some good communication with my wife, and seeing the progress in our marriage.

From the sound of things, you either are still getting, or fear you are getting trickle truth. I got that in the beginning from my WW as many BS do. At about the 6th month mark, we were to a place that we could have a very honest talk about the whole situation. I found out there was more to the story, but not really a lot more. Small details that were annoying to know, but didn't really enlarge what had happened. I hope for your sake, you and your WH can and will have that conversation too.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> "What if" my aunt had balls?....
> 
> Yeah... She'd be my uncle.
> 
> ...



LOL! 

You are right! I am scared to let myself go and trust...I hate being lied to, I hate the deception he did, etc. etc.

I hate the fact that this was someone I thought would never hurt me and that I trusted 150%....I still to this day cannot believe that he did what he did. I hate the insecurity I have now about my relationship and myself.

He commented to me that it is like I am trying to find more and more evidence and dwelling on it as if I am looking for some reason to kick him out..I don't know maybe that is it. 

That I feel angry at myself for in my mind "putting up with what he did'. I always thought that if someone did that to me they would be gone...and here I am still with him. Yet at the same time I want my marriage and have no desire at all for us to divorce. I honestly think in my mind that if I never bring it up again that he will think it was okay with what he did and that I am "over it". That if I trust him then this will happen again.


This is why I love these boards the understanding and wisdom on here is incredible.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Sigma is wise!


Thanks. You're making me blush 

Just the school of hard knocks I'm afraid.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Oh I remember the what ifs.

What if she hadn't seen me playing with our son that day.

What if she changed her mind to end the affair that day.

What if she decided to spare me the pain and not come clean.

What if.....

As I got further and further from D-Day I made myself realize that what ifs are just the inevitable hesitation to trust. Its understandable when everything you know or thought you knew was torn from you.

As I researched more into relationships and marriage in general I realized we all have what ifs. I could cheat. I can't say I would never cheat. I don't really think anyone can. Given the right set of circumstances; the right amount of alcohol, drugs in order to break down the boundaries; the perfect opportunity, the perfect mindset and the perfect partner we all can fall.

Thankfully most of us never will because we are vigilant and make sure the perfect storm never arises. But what if it did?


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My stbxwh affair was a pa for many years w/ the same woman and he recently left me for her. My what ifs are obviously not the same. Mine are always what if I had been different or better or what if I'd recognized my issues would he have betrayed me. I hope yes b/c otherwise it's my fault.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

highwood said:


> For betrayed spouses do you play the "what if" game in your head? With H's EA sometimes I get angry thinking about what if it had turned into a PA? I have said that to him that the only thing that* stopped his EA from turning into a PA was the fact that due to medication he was in which made him impotent and zero desire, that was the only thing that stopped him?* H told me to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and that it probably would not have happened...sounds like BS to me.
> 
> It bugs the **** out of me at times to think that was the only thing that stopped it from becoming physical...I often play the what if game in my head about this.
> 
> Is it normal to think about the what if's..or am I just dwelling on stuff that did not happen so don't even think about it.


Thank God, he was physically impotent to have a PA. Is his A (PA) a deal breaker for you?

Are you really sure that he was impotent? How was your sexual life with him during his A time?

'What if's are natural. They die out once you get to know the truth and come to terms with it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

My wife is adamant about keeping her affair emotional and it's driving the OM crazy. I've read his posts on FB harassing her for sex around Christmas and her telling him to wait. I just pray to God this EA turns PA, that way this whole thing will end and she dumps the sorry loser. I have no insecurities about their sex because he can never live up to me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

With my failed marriage, I wish I had been more direct with the women who were flirting with my exH. The concept of EA was in development then and of course, there were things like text messaging, IM or even e-mail until about 1999. 

My ex liked being courtly with these women; they liked yanking his chain and being dismissive with me. He liked, or seemed to like, watching me get pissed off.

Flash forward, 10 years after my divorce and even though my bf and I had yet to declare exclusivity, I knew something was up when he asked "do you mind if I go out with other women but just as friends?" 

I wonder how different things might have been if I had said, "****, no. Don't call me again." 

One thing is for sure, I don't regret snooping in his yahoo and FB account. Or looking at the receipts floating around his apartment. Even though she tried to get the three of us together, my bf turned down the opportunities. So much for she's such a great friend.

So I guess other than that, there's not a lot that I regret. Especially since he is doing the right things these day.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

We've all had the "what ifs". Its normal and part of the process. We aren't Vulcans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

yes I do this a lot..I can't figure out why my brain does this since there's no value so I just keep reminding myself of that. But I also do "what if..." Like what if when I first confronted him and he said he wasn't sure if he even wanted to stay married to me" that I said "well I'm deciding I don't want to be married to you, you need to go"...The only thing that comes from this is, when you think "what if" and you should have acted or done something different (not in hindsight but with knowledge you had) then just make sure you do that going forward. In our case, I will never let this happen again if I feel he's having another A, there will not be any reconciliation and this time he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt. Last time they practically had to do it in front of me (next best thing, read a lovely email...) before he admit anything. So next time, if there is one I won't be son dense. What do you learn from yourself on the what if that will make your life better?


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## Lokum (Mar 10, 2012)

I do play “what if” games in my head sometimes, but actually I think I know my man too well, I know that if the situations would be good for him, he would continue the affair. 

“What if girl would not be a foreigner and would live here”, “what if she would not have a boyfriend and would not feel guilty to him”, “what if her boyfriend would not call my man after all and ask what is going on and that he was planning to marry that girl one day” (after this call he stopped almost keeping in touch with her, atleast on romantic note), “what if I would be more controlling and would ask the truth about their travel”. 
On their chats I saw how he was annoyed that she cant decide between her boyfriend and him and is slowing down. If she would be more willing, he would not stop, they would meet in her country and affair would go on. 
So I think mostly we already know the answers to “what if “ questions, don’t we? I think that even our partners hided some part, we still can know how most possible they would act. 
And theiy did not miss the chance to start an affair and continue it. So if the situations would be good for them, they would not miss their chance to continue it too. 

Sometimes I think that if they would be together and she would come here, I imagine how my man’s parents would not accept her  As we have lived 4 years together, they are from more conservative society and they think for sure that one day we will get married and give grandchildren to them. So I imagine how they would not accept her (after our 6 years of relationship) and make her life harder  Just imagining but it makes me little more happy  Or what if they would stay together and then he would realise that she is not better than me and she would realise that he is not better than her boyfriend. 
“What if” lets us to imagine and I also like to think of bad scenarios for their affair and very good ones for myself


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