# After a while...



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

For those who have had sex life challenges (especially those with long term sex drought), what has the effects of that been? Effects on you, your mind, what you think is ok or not ok? Effects on your marriage?

I am 8 years married, one baby 11 mths. First year was healthy frequency. Second year, meh frequency, but there were some major reasons for that. The following years, there wasn't too much improvement, and in the last 2 years (despite the fact we managed to conceive back in December 2014 when I had a month off work) sex has been non-existent, except for one time in April 2015 which ended badly...

There is much to be said as for possible reasons, but right now, I am wondering how this kind of long term issue affects other couples. 

Do you still feel attracted to your partner? Do you feel ashamed about your "sexual self", or for being the one who is wanting it, missing it, worrying about it or talking about it/bringing it up as a concern? Do you find yourself thinking about sex in general during the day, semi fantisising, enjoying attention from others without engaging with it?

I have always kept things pretty clean, then 2 years ago I almost cheated on my H. Whilst I am glad to say that I did not go down that path, I realise that I am not "special" but rather like most flawed humans on this earth. 

I love my H and have brought up the subject, tried to open up honest conversation about if there is something missing for him or that he finds hard to talk about or address... just doing my own head in with it now and I finally told him that I am no longer going to be bringing it up, that i find it humiliating because i am the only one initiating the conversation, and that I will "sort myself out" from now on. 

It's not something i have felt comfortable with for myself (i am not judging anyone here who pleases themselves, just sharing that it is not something i felt ok for myself) but now i just am so over this and just sick of caring or trying to do what i think is the right thing. I am not going anywhere, I am not in divorce territory, but FFS I am not being the "desperate" one anymore with this.

I am also wondering if others have felt like they weren't trying to send out signals with the opposite sex but their radar is "on" or they are sending out signals without meaning to or realising. I have felt like that from time to time lately, just how some men look at me in the street or interact with me.... I am not doing anything flirtatious or inviting it but just seems to be happening and i hate that i am not noticed by my H anymore so maybe this need or desire comes out subconsciously with others now...

I don't know if this is a general male thing, but H makes this effort to not look at girls in the street (he is in long term recovery for sex addiction) and he does well, but he goes to meetings and talks to sponsors to get support because the temptation for him to do that and then go onto other steps is strong for him. But i am at home, i could be getting changed or having a shower and he comes in and it's like i'm not even there, it's like, "hello, naked woman" and even with the prompt he shows minimum interest. I hate being naked in front of him now for this reason...

Anyway, as you can see, we have alot to sort through in this department. Am curious to hear how the sex issue/sex drought dynamics have played out for others here.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was married for 8 years, 100% sexless for 5 of those years. Probably had sex 10 times in the first years, had two awesome kids out it (only good thing from my marriage).

I didn't want sex with my wife. I resented her on how she treated me. She would yell, talk down, and just be nasty. She was nasty to my mother, who lost her husband in the first year of our marriage. When we would fight, it would get nasty. She'd throw whatever at walls/me, threw my car keys in the neighbor's backyard once. Then she let herself go after the kids and I wanted nothing to do with her. I'd rather watch porn and masturbate than to see her naked.

The kids finally got past 4 years old and I left. Now having the best sex of my life with my girlfriend of 7 months. I'm 35 years old and glad I didn't waste away my prime years in a meaningless marriage. Now that we're divorced, we get along the best we ever did. Now we only have to talk about the kids and in front of them, so she treats me like a normal person, for the most part. God, I feel bad for any guy that gets into a serious relationship with her. But I want her to find someone, to be truly happy. I want to see if it was just me or if her next marriage will fall apart too.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> I don't know if this is a general male thing, but H makes this effort to not look at girls in the street *(he is in long term recovery for sex addiction) and he does well*, but he goes to meetings and talks to sponsors to get support because the temptation for him to do that and then go onto other steps is strong for him. But i am at home, i could be getting changed or having a shower and he comes in and it's like i'm not even there, it's like, "hello, naked woman" and even with the prompt he shows minimum interest. I hate being naked in front of him now for this reason...


Perhaps your husband is learning how to NOT let sex control him anymore, and perhaps his abilities for this are now a little overdramatized at home in a way that hurts your self confidence.

As in, "I live with a sex addict that no longer notices me when I am naked!" Your husband would likely see that as a great accomplishment of his self control and would want you to be encouraging of that. Meanwhile you likely make it into a marital dispute and create it into something that is stressful for him to discuss with you. 

As a wife you should want him to love you because of who you are, and not because your nipples are showing. You'll also have to overcome the fear that he fell in love with you just because of sex and worrying that now that he has things under control that you worry that he may not care for you as a person, therefor you default to getting upset over him not noticing you nude (because that is easier to accept compared to him not accepting who you are as a person).
*
My advice! Work on being your husband's friend. *Think hugs and not sex. If you desire him, share that with him, perhaps even masturbate while he holds you to share that with him. Allow him to respond on his on terms and make it a point to be his friend about it and not get upset. Eventually things might work out, or you'll find his progress from sex addiction may have ended the dynamics that fuels your relationship and it is now time to move on from each other.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

My 2 cents having been there. First get and read the book by MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage. Then get the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then read them both again, and again, until you understand that they are both saying basically the same thing, but from slightly different perspectives.

Once that happens, get the book by Chapman, The 5 Languages of Love and read it and think carefully about what it is saying about you and about your wife. Try to look at the way you treat your wife from her "love language perspective."

Then work on changing yourself and Getting a Life (something Glover and Davis talk alot about).

How does it feel? Horrible. How do you cope? By taking responsibility for your own happiness and doing things in your life (especially with your kids) that bring you happiness and make your proud of who you are.

What eventually helps? Learning what you did wrong in the marriage from your wife's perspective and then changing those behaviors so you don't do them again. Apologizing to her for the things she feels you did wrong (even if you feel they were reasonable actions.) Then, most importantly forgive her and forgive yourself!

Once you do that and drop all anger, give her some unconditional love. Don't have any covert contracts in mind, like if I do this I might get sex. Just lover her in her love languages unconditionally and take good care of yourself. Then if you are lucky she will go with you to a good sex therapist who will potentially save your marriage. At least that is what worked for me.

Good luck.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

OP is a female


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

seriously, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but just divorce. there is no reason you should be entirely sexless for 2 yrs and have to hold this inside this way. there is truly no good reason for this and your marriage is beyond repair if it has gotten this bad. deal with that and move on with your life.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sex addiction is sort of an addiction to 'the new'. And you will never be new I'm sorry to say.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Our marriage and the ritual around sex has become a well-choreographed Japanese Kabuki dance, each player knows their role and moves in according to the expectation of the other. No sudden changes are allowed or warranted by at least one of the players. In their mind this sexual ritual is not broken and therefore requires no repairs. Then kids come along and suddenly she had forgotten the dance completely, we both participated in raising the children but i still had energy at the end of the day. Had I stopped becoming her knight in shining armor, had the years of slaying dragons taken its toll on my spirit, my soul? In building our castle had I lost my queen? All these thoughts were stirring in my mind. Up to the moment I met my wife the longest relationship I had lasted weeks, maybe months but it always ended the same way. Most of the time i walked away. 
When or perhaps what was the defining moment in our lives when we ceased be lovers and in a single incarnation became the husband, wives, mothers, fathers, and parents we are today. Asexual creatures well at least on her side, both occupying a home, no children and very little touching. I still feel like that knight of old, and i still see her as my queen, I am still Heathcliff and she is still my Katherine....but long gone is the passion. I have and will always have great respect for her, she is still my hero, but i would be lying to you and mostly to myself if i didn't wish for a time when she desired me and i her. She is still very attractive and is told so by me and others, but where once i longed to watch her undress at the end of the day, i move on to another room, maybe on to another life.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sex addiction is sort of an addiction to 'the new'. And you will never be new I'm sorry to say.


Another way to look at it is a willingness to be completely free with themselves each time someone is new. This can be a huge thrill because there is no fear of loosing that person as there is NO underlying relationship. 

Then as relationships develop one can be afraid of being themselves out of concern that it will harm the relationship. This causes detachment and the desire to start a new relationship to escape that fear and also create a self fulfilling prophecy that he/she was right to be scared of allowing things to develop further and closer.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

QS, I hate to bring this up but if your husband is not up to the task have you thought about, with his permission, having a NSA deal with someone. I had a client once who was ED but arranged for me to provided his wife sexual favors. He was going through a penile implant to correct his problem. Both these folks were HD. Together they would participate in mutual foreplay and he would leave the room with her blindfolded. (hey, it worked for them and it was all professional) 
Once he sufficiently recovered from surgery, I was fired. I still run into them from time to time and they are doing well over twenty years later. 
In certain situation, a surrogate will work well. Yours may be one.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Try role playing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

QuietSoul,

Feeling loved - is so critical to a person's well being. 

And there are many paths to feeling loved. 

If someone craves your companionship - that feels - necessary. 

Let's say - you were given 3 connection types. And could pick 2 of the three as strong connections. But the third would be - a 'lite' connect. Not nothing - but far from strong. Here goes. 

1. Companionship 
2. Non sexual touch
3. Sex

For me - (1) HAS to be strong. And then as long as either 2 or 3 is strong - and the non strong connection is 'lite' not zero - then I'm good to go. 

Make sense? How does this map to your situation?





QuietSoul said:


> For those who have had sex life challenges (especially those with long term sex drought), what has the effects of that been? Effects on you, your mind, what you think is ok or not ok? Effects on your marriage?
> 
> I am 8 years married, one baby 11 mths. First year was healthy frequency. Second year, meh frequency, but there were some major reasons for that. The following years, there wasn't too much improvement, and in the last 2 years (despite the fact we managed to conceive back in December 2014 when I had a month off work) sex has been non-existent, except for one time in April 2015 which ended badly...
> 
> ...


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@QuietSoul did you convince your husband he had a sex addiction or did your husband of his own accord decide he had a sex addiction?


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Personal said:


> @QuietSoul did you convince your husband he had a sex addiction or did your husband of his own accord decide he had a sex addiction?


Personal, he identified himself and has been in recovery (12 steps mainly) since he was about 20. I meet him about 28, together 30, he is now 40. He use to have a full blown issue. By the time we started dating, he told me about it and he was at a stage where he had a good level of longer term sobriety, but occasionally struggled with porn. Still the same situation now. Last time he watched was over a year ago.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> QuietSoul,
> 
> Feeling loved - is so critical to a person's well being.
> 
> ...


Hi Men.

Def 1 companionship. 2 is also pretty important. 3 is and has been for a while the "lite" priority/need .

I think it's the same for H.

We are in counselling at the moment to work on the some companionship on issues and talk about the sex stuff. Hoping we are able to get some break through...


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> Try role playing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thx for the suggestion. I think we are a few steps back from that stage right now...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> But i am at home, i could be getting changed or having a shower and he comes in and *it's like i'm not even there, it's like, "hello, naked woman" and even with the prompt he shows minimum interest. I hate being naked in front of him now for this reason*...


This is powerful, QS. Have you told him this very thing, said it exactly this way?


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> QS, I hate to bring this up but if your husband is not up to the task have you thought about, with his permission, having a NSA deal with someone. I had a client once who was ED but arranged for me to provided his wife sexual favors. He was going through a penile implant to correct his problem. Both these folks were HD. Together they would participate in mutual foreplay and he would leave the room with her blindfolded. (hey, it worked for them and it was all professional)
> Once he sufficiently recovered from surgery, I was fired. I still run into them from time to time and they are doing well over twenty years later.
> In certain situation, a surrogate will work well. Yours may be one.


I can sww why this may help sone couples, but not something I am personally open to... Thx for the suggestion tho


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As one poster has already mentioned, addiction is about the new. It is escape from the mundane, a form of ADD if you will. It may assist your efforts if you tried something outside of "normal". Instead of just undressing perhaps add some flair to the activity. Take a similar tack with showering and other activities. In other words try to make the mundane exciting, new and intriguing.

Ultimately your H will have to recognize his inner discontentment and realize that all of life is not a thrill ride. Sometimes it is a roller coaster but ofttimes it is a merry go round. Both rides can be pleasurable if one can see it.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

QuietSoul said:


> Thx for the suggestion. I think we are a few steps back from that stage right now...


You may be a few steps back. You may not be. 

It could be that your husband has worked so hard to shut down his sex drive that he shuts it down with you too. 

Suggest role playing. See what happens. You never know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

jld said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > But i am at home, i could be getting changed or having a shower and he comes in and *it's like i'm not even there, it's like, "hello, naked woman" and even with the prompt he shows minimum interest. I hate being naked in front of him now for this reason*...
> ...


JLD, yes, a few times...


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He's been working on his problem for 20 years.....what is it that gives you hope that it will get resolved in the next 20??

I think you have two choices:
1. Live a non-sexual life with H
2. Divorce and live your authentic life


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> I was married for 8 years, 100% sexless for 5 of those years. Probably had sex 10 times in the first years, had two awesome kids out it (only good thing from my marriage).
> 
> I didn't want sex with my wife. I resented her on how she treated me. She would yell, talk down, and just be nasty. She was nasty to my mother, who lost her husband in the first year of our marriage. When we would fight, it would get nasty. She'd throw whatever at walls/me, threw my car keys in the neighbor's backyard once. Then she let herself go after the kids and I wanted nothing to do with her. I'd rather watch porn and masturbate than to see her naked.
> 
> The kids finally got past 4 years old and I left. Now having the best sex of my life with my girlfriend of 7 months. I'm 35 years old and glad I didn't waste away my prime years in a meaningless marriage. Now that we're divorced, we get along the best we ever did. Now we only have to talk about the kids and in front of them, so she treats me like a normal person, for the most part. God, I feel bad for any guy that gets into a serious relationship with her. But I want her to find someone, to be truly happy. I want to see if it was just me or if her next marriage will fall apart too.


Wow, so sorry you went through that  she sounds abusive. Am glad you are happy now though and with someone who treats you respectfully.

Just wondering, if she was not abusive and horrible, would you have become disinterested in sex based in her letting herself go after baby? I have a 1 year old and body not quite the same as before. I have wondered if this is now part of H's disinterest but I feel like he would not tell me if it was. Have tried to have some honest convos but I don't think I will get that level of honesty from him...


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

badsanta said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know if this is a general male thing, but H makes this effort to not look at girls in the street *(he is in long term recovery for sex addiction) and he does well*, but he goes to meetings and talks to sponsors to get support because the temptation for him to do that and then go onto other steps is strong for him. But i am at home, i could be getting changed or having a shower and he comes in and it's like i'm not even there, it's like, "hello, naked woman" and even with the prompt he shows minimum interest. I hate being naked in front of him now for this reason...
> ...


BS, thanks for your response. Some aspects are food for thought, but I feel you have also read more into my post and my situation than warranted. 

I do wonder if some of his recovery efforts have over reached and he has **** down a part of his sexuality that is normal and healthy. This is one of many things I could speculate...


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear OP;
> 
> My 2 cents having been there. First get and read the book by MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage. Then get the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then read them both again, and again, until you understand that they are both saying basically the same thing, but from slightly different perspectives.
> 
> ...


Hey  as anonmd said, I am the wifey in this situation. 

It's been almost 2 years, not including April 2015 that didn't really have a "happy ending"...

Of the times I have tried to talk about it with him (both just ourselves, and in counselling) I feel I am not really getting the full story about "why" or what I can do to help or what I can change, so it's hard to know what to do. I will def check out the books you mentioned though. I have heard of the love languages one and know a bit about it.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> seriously, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but just divorce. there is no reason you should be entirely sexless for 2 yrs and have to hold this inside this way. there is truly no good reason for this and your marriage is beyond repair if it has gotten this bad. deal with that and move on with your life.


Anon1111, an option I an not yet considering, but a viable one if it comes to that. I have recently decided to "take care of myself" in that area. We are also in counselling so hoping we get some breakthroughs there


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sex addiction is sort of an addiction to 'the new'. And you will never be new I'm sorry to say.


I think you articulated something there that i have been thinking for a long time... The temptation of "the new" will always be there. Even for me even though I am not a sex addict, butvi guess the difference is, I have more ability to not engage with that kind of fantasy (although recently, I have started letting my mind wander more.. )


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Xenote thx for sharing your experience with this. How long have you been married may I ask? Was it a gradual process to this point or were there any major events that caused sudden disinterest?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

What makes you think he is a sex addict?

Could your husband be punishing you for labelling him a sex addict?

Could his having a healthy desire for sex, been misconstrued by you for an addiction?


----------



## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

QuietSoul said:


> For those who have had sex life challenges (especially those with long term sex drought), what has the effects of that been? Effects on you, your mind, what you think is ok or not ok? Effects on your marriage?
> 
> I am 8 years married, one baby 11 mths. First year was healthy frequency. Second year, meh frequency, but there were some major reasons for that. The following years, there wasn't too much improvement, and in the last 2 years (despite the fact we managed to conceive back in December 2014 when I had a month off work) sex has been non-existent, except for one time in April 2015 which ended badly...
> 
> ...


The sex drought is putting a strain on our marriage of 19yrs. But I still find her very attractive and still in love with her. Her sexual desire has gradually worn down with time. But when we do it, it seems like she is enjoying. And she is not a good actress...so I don't know what's up. She would offer to help me release my sexual stress with a hand massage instead. I decline. I want to see her naked, instead of me. I have no shame in asking for sex (and the rejection), since she never initiates...just frustration and disappointment that I try not to show. In my perspective and hers, it is her problem and not mine. She is just not into sex any more (not with me or any male on this earth. She is very faithful.) So we must be willing to try things to help and improve our marriage. As suggested by some here, reading His Needs, Her Needs. The book says it will make my marriage sizzle. Yeah baby! Like you, we are not in divorce territory. And we have two kids at home.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Personal said:


> What makes you think he is a sex addict?
> 
> Could your husband be punishing you for labelling him a sex addict?
> 
> Could his having a healthy desire for sex, been misconstrued by you for an addiction?


Yeanah.

1. Because he identifies and calls himself that

2. See above. But even if this was the case, he has had ample opportunity to air his frustrations honestly and openly.

3. The problem is lack rather than over-abundance when it comes to his interest in me. Kind of strange, but I am seeing what others are saying about sex addiction and desire for the unknown. 

3.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A big unknown is whether his sex drive has crashed, as opposed to his desire for you. 

If he's taking care of himself frequently, that is a different type of problem than if he isn't. 

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? 

Separate from that I have a suggestion which is that you schedule an encounter once a week. One full hour alone in bed, maybe you just massage each other, maybe you kiss and have some foreplay and see what happens. 

The KEY to this is easily defined not so easily executed. His ONLY commitment is to being fully engaged. That's it. 

So if he doesn't get hard or totally hard - you don't turn it into a thing. If he's fully present, touching you and not stopping you from touching him - that's a step in the right direction. 

Maybe wear a skirt and t shirt. Some men find minimal clothing more stimulating than naked. 

A couple other points and this comes from having a partner with responsive desire, so it's based on experience. 

Go slow. It's actually best to let the lower drive person set the pace. And - ummm - don't radiate/express arousal more than he does. You can touch him but as far as you yourself go, low affect is a good idea. Once he gets going, then let loose. 

That said, if he's fully meeting his own sexual needs via his hands, this may not work. He needs to have some pent up desire for the whole responsive desire deal to work. 




QuietSoul said:


> Yeanah.
> 
> 1. Because he identifies and calls himself that
> 
> ...


----------

