# Ready to get a divorce



## divorced2020 (May 19, 2020)

We tried and tried but after nearly 15 years of marriage it just isn't working out for us. Not to say COVID-19 forced my hand but we had discussed getting divorced before it hit. Her refusal to social distance or do that stay at home thing decided by the state. She felt hanging out with her best friend during the day who was working from home (while I was at work as an essential) and at work. My wife did it w/o my knowledge already knowing how i felt about this virus and us getting it. She just did it behind my back until I found out she was giving me a false sense of security at home and my impression of her self quarantining. Anyhow, she isn't staying at the house anymore and her and I agree it's time to get the ball rolling. I suspect it will be nasty, she goes from hot and cold and likes to force my hand by making her opinions a reality regardless if it's wise or not. I suspect I will have loads of questions!

Some of the back story. She had been through a divorce before me and she had two young kids, 1 and 3 at the time (both are in college now). I had no kids of my own. I bought my first home, shortly afterwards her and the kids moved in. A few years later we were married. We decided together she would be a stay at home mom and take care of the kids and house etc. I made good money and we agreed her being there the kids was good. She ended up cheating on me _once_ that I know of with a guy on the internet. Seems she had too much free time staying at home and found something to do. I wanted to make it work so we agreed to fix it and try to move on with our marriage. I continued to raise the kids and support her. We always fought about money, I tried to save and plan for tomorrow and she wanted to live in the now. Over the years she had various jobs but most of the time she would spend all her income in thrills, hanging out with friends, partying, unnecessary things. Leaving the heavy lifting to me for bills, the kids, etc. She cost us a lot of money during the affair she had for months, only met the guy once in person so she tells me. Maybe after 5 years in to things, our sex life dropped out. Bringing it up caused fights, etc. For the last 5 years we might have sex once or twice a year (which wasn't my choice). We fought about everything and I really felt she was selfish and acting entitled. For the last 3 years we split finances, her idea, because she didn't like me saying no to her purchases. Even when we had little money (due to over spending) and lots of things coming up in the next 10 months. She felt going on cruises with friends, partying, going to Florida for trips were more important than car repairs, our kids graduation coming up, school fees, college tours out of state, xmas, birthdays of our kids and she had issues with her car. I tried to reason with her but experiences with her best friends were more important. Long short, we do not see eye to eye on much of anything. We've had money issues, parenting issues, shes cheated on me, our love life is in the tank and now both kids are moved out and in to college. I think its time...


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## CoachP (Sep 26, 2016)

I gotta admit, reading the first paragraph alone I'd say there was a bit of overreaction on your part. Purely my opinion, but it would be regarded as a bit controlling to say when and where your wife can go, yes, even in this midst of this pandemic. I know some people have very strong feelings one way or the other on lockdowns, mask usage, social distancing and other aspects of protecting yourself and others during the pandemic--I'm not here to debate any of those issues (there is at least one huge thread on that elsewhere on this site), but, again, I would say that some would say that, strictly reading the first paragraph, it's a bit controlling. Yes, you feel betrayed by her lying to you about staying in--I do get that part.

And then... we get to the second paragraph, the *real meat*. Holy cow! You "think" it's time?! Brother, it's *way* past time! With everything that my NPD/BPD STBXW put me through for 8.5 years I can at least say that she more than likely never _cheated_ on me--you don't even have that much to go on! You _know_ she cheated on you and then you _still_ proceeded to enjoy the "deadbed" of a sex life _after that_ while also providing substantial financial support and allowing her to party her life away! And people have been calling _me_ a doormat! Be honest--did you even get so much as a "thank you" for _anything_ you've allowed her to do all these years??!!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think it was time when she continued to live like a single person AFTER she cheated. Sorry that it took you so long to come to this realization. Make sure all of the cost of her affair is documented -- ThAT should be part of the settlement.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out she's been cheating for a long time.

VERY sorry you are going through this, but you will be much better off without someone like this. She isn't a partner and doesn't respect you or the marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, you're doing the right thing. You're allowed to have a more peaceful life.

Hang in there.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

From your opening post, good grief, there are about 10,000 reasons that you should have divorced her years ago. 

And you supported her and HER KIDS and SHE CHEATED on you???? Wow... 

Get out and never look back... DO NOT BE MR NICE GUY. You can bet she has been screwing other and screwing you over for years... Wow...


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## divorced2020 (May 19, 2020)

CoachP said:


> I gotta admit, reading the first paragraph alone I'd say there was a bit of overreaction on your part. Purely my opinion, but it would be regarded as a bit controlling to say when and where your wife can go, yes, even in this midst of this pandemic. I know some people have very strong feelings one way or the other on lockdowns, mask usage, social distancing and other aspects of protecting yourself and others during the pandemic--I'm not here to debate any of those issues (there is at least one huge thread on that elsewhere on this site), but, again, I would say that some would say that, strictly reading the first paragraph, it's a bit controlling. Yes, you feel betrayed by her lying to you about staying in--I do get that part.
> 
> And then... we get to the second paragraph, the *real meat*. Holy cow! You "think" it's time?! Brother, it's *way* past time! With everything that my NPD/BPD STBXW put me through for 8.5 years I can at least say that she more than likely never _cheated_ on me--you don't even have that much to go on! You _know_ she cheated on you and then you _still_ proceeded to enjoy the "deadbed" of a sex life _after that_ while also providing substantial financial support and allowing her to party her life away! And people have been calling _me_ a doormat! Be honest--did you even get so much as a "thank you" for _anything_ you've allowed her to do all these years??!!


It was hard to get past the cheating and her money spending habits. It also hurt the kids as she was too focused on herself and playing video games and the affair it took time away from them and me, all the while making our bank account go upside down. In the beginning I would get thank you and she was thankful and excited for me to do nice things for her and give gifts. Over the years not so much. It's turned in to expectation and a chore instead of something nice that I did or sweet. She also did very little in return for me. She could have finished college or studied and got certified while staying at home and raising her kids. Over the years she could have furthered her work place value and education and set herself up for higher paying jobs that benefit her, the kids and our marriage. Instead she cheated, overspent and when she did work jobs she spent all that income and then some. Her standards of expectation where very high for me but she didn't live up to her own. 

I've had the kids on my health insurance for nearly 15 years. She wanted me to cover her needs and the kids needs while she only spent her income on herself and hanging out with her friends, drinking, smoking etc. Keep in mind, they have a bio father and he is remarried also. The insurance and the kids seem to fall in my lap and she doesn't feel obligated to contribute much in that regard. Several years back we got in a big fight and broke off our finances. She wanted to get a laptop to edit photos (she does photography gigs on the side, maybe 3 or 4 a year -- usually not weddings). She told me my desktop was uncomfortable to sit at and use for periods of time. With the expenses we had coming up, spending $750-$1,200 on a laptop to edit photos 3 or 4 times a year seemed pricey. I suggested she wait until we get through this busy patch of financial obligations first. This fight started in August... our obligations coming here included a week long college tour out of state for kid graduating and going to college. So plane tickets, hotels, rental cars, PTO from work etc. Holiday season, ie Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas, kid had a bday in January, graduated in May. Hundreds of dollars to pay high school dues, costs included with graduation, gifts, party and family gathering. Kid also was an athlete and had an expensive camp coming up in the summer prior to the expensive it costs to move a kid to another state and set them up at a college dorm. On top of that, the wife had issues with her car and whatever repairs associated with that. So I tried to convince her that going to Florida with her best friend on a week long trip and buying a new laptop right now was a bad idea. It's expensive, we had to plan ahead for what was coming. She disagreed with me and felt entitled to do as she pleases regardless consequences could follow next. 

So yeah, we split accounts and decided on a ratio to income split. She went to Florida with her best friend and bought the new laptop and all the related costs to a trip and laptop. Hotel costs, rents, food, souvenirs, food, drinks laptop bags and a laptop table and subscriptions to MS Office, Photoshop etc. This types of fights and disagreements seem too often in our house. I am starting to save money again, got my own account w/o her over spending it. Here is where things go downhill. Her car issues increase and it needs repairs. She asks me to help her and pay half of the $500, so I did. This didn't fix her car, it died and the repair was more than the value. She had to get a new one so she can go to work. Guess what? She got no $ since she just blew it all on things she wanted and wanted to do. I give her $2k to put down, she promised to pay me back $1k and I gave the other $1k as gift no strings attached. Xmas hits, money is tight, less gifts less decorations it was depressing. January bday comes up, kid got some gifts. High school dues came up, had to pay them $500, shes tight on money so I pay it. Now we are in to spring, March... college tour scheduled out of state with college coaches. She has no PTO to take off from work and can't go with her kid or to afford to pay for it. I took the week off from work, paid for all that. She covered the $75 rental car. Graduation hits in May I covered the gifts etc. Summer hits, I covered kids camp. At this point I am beyond frustrated. Its as if I turned in to a single parent while she did whatever she wanted and everyone else as an after thought. After the kid moved away for college that Summer we split up for a month or so. I should have never tried to make it work again, I am a fool. We tried again and it failed again. Maybe I am petty or how ever folks can judge me but I had our families best interest at heart and i felt she was selfish. To this day she doesn't feel she did anything wrong and thinks I am the bad guy for fighting with her and disagreeing on what we can afford. Crazy huh?


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## divorced2020 (May 19, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> From your opening post, good grief, there are about 10,000 reasons that you should have divorced her years ago.
> 
> And you supported her and HER KIDS and SHE CHEATED on you???? Wow...
> 
> Get out and never look back... DO NOT BE MR NICE GUY. You can bet she has been screwing other and screwing you over for years... Wow...


I tried the nice guy route, the mean guy route and nothing worked. Getting out of it is the best option. I love her and will regret this marriage failing but either of us are happy, she will insist its my fault. Couples compromise, make choices together. Sneaking out during the work day to smoke weed with her best friend while I am at work and not sharing that sucked. I thought she was at home being safe for herself and us both. She has medical issues and I have Diabetes Type 2 so I do not want to get this virus. She got laid off and I was working and wanted it to stay that way. Betrayal sucks and I wish she would have spoken to me. Who am I kidding? This marriage is a disaster and I am not interested in counseling now either. It just made me feel she was selfish w/o taking in to consideration she is sharing a life with someone else and at lease validate my concerns.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

divorced2020 said:


> It was hard to get past the cheating and her money spending habits. It also hurt the kids as she was too focused on herself and playing video games and the affair it took time away from them and me, all the while making our bank account go upside down. In the beginning I would get thank you and she was thankful and excited for me to do nice things for her and give gifts. Over the years not so much. It's turned in to expectation and a chore instead of something nice that I did or sweet. She also did very little in return for me. She could have finished college or studied and got certified while staying at home and raising her kids. Over the years she could have furthered her work place value and education and set herself up for higher paying jobs that benefit her, the kids and our marriage. Instead she cheated, overspent and when she did work jobs she spent all that income and then some. Her standards of expectation where very high for me but she didn't live up to her own.
> 
> I've had the kids on my health insurance for nearly 15 years. She wanted me to cover her needs and the kids needs while she only spent her income on herself and hanging out with her friends, drinking, smoking etc. Keep in mind, they have a bio father and he is remarried also. The insurance and the kids seem to fall in my lap and she doesn't feel obligated to contribute much in that regard. Several years back we got in a big fight and broke off our finances. She wanted to get a laptop to edit photos (she does photography gigs on the side, maybe 3 or 4 a year -- usually not weddings). She told me my desktop was uncomfortable to sit at and use for periods of time. With the expenses we had coming up, spending $750-$1,200 on a laptop to edit photos 3 or 4 times a year seemed pricey. I suggested she wait until we get through this busy patch of financial obligations first. This fight started in August... our obligations coming here included a week long college tour out of state for kid graduating and going to college. So plane tickets, hotels, rental cars, PTO from work etc. Holiday season, ie Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas, kid had a bday in January, graduated in May. Hundreds of dollars to pay high school dues, costs included with graduation, gifts, party and family gathering. Kid also was an athlete and had an expensive camp coming up in the summer prior to the expensive it costs to move a kid to another state and set them up at a college dorm. On top of that, the wife had issues with her car and whatever repairs associated with that. So I tried to convince her that going to Florida with her best friend on a week long trip and buying a new laptop right now was a bad idea. It's expensive, we had to plan ahead for what was coming. She disagreed with me and felt entitled to do as she pleases regardless consequences could follow next.
> 
> So yeah, we split accounts and decided on a ratio to income split. She went to Florida with her best friend and bought the new laptop and all the related costs to a trip and laptop. Hotel costs, rents, food, souvenirs, food, drinks laptop bags and a laptop table and subscriptions to MS Office, Photoshop etc. This types of fights and disagreements seem too often in our house. I am starting to save money again, got my own account w/o her over spending it. Here is where things go downhill. Her car issues increase and it needs repairs. She asks me to help her and pay half of the $500, so I did. This didn't fix her car, it died and the repair was more than the value. She had to get a new one so she can go to work. Guess what? She got no $ since she just blew it all on things she wanted and wanted to do. I give her $2k to put down, she promised to pay me back $1k and I gave the other $1k as gift no strings attached. Xmas hits, money is tight, less gifts less decorations it was depressing. January bday comes up, kid got some gifts. High school dues came up, had to pay them $500, shes tight on money so I pay it. Now we are in to spring, March... college tour scheduled out of state with college coaches. She has no PTO to take off from work and can't go with her kid or to afford to pay for it. I took the week off from work, paid for all that. She covered the $75 rental car. Graduation hits in May I covered the gifts etc. Summer hits, I covered kids camp. At this point I am beyond frustrated. Its as if I turned in to a single parent while she did whatever she wanted and everyone else as an after thought. After the kid moved away for college that Summer we split up for a month or so. I should have never tried to make it work again, I am a fool. We tried again and it failed again. Maybe I am petty or how ever folks can judge me but I had our families best interest at heart and i felt she was selfish. To this day she doesn't feel she did anything wrong and thinks I am the bad guy for fighting with her and disagreeing on what we can afford. Crazy huh?


Wow, worse than I thought. 

First off, yeah you are a fool, like I was and some still are. 

Second, good god man, file if you have not. DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR HER EVER AGAIN. 

Dude, I guess you realize now that she has been playing you for a chump the whole marriage, right. 

Do not feel sorry for her, you should not even be talking to her. You should not give a **** what she says. 

Get out and stay out... 

Life would be better alone for the rest of your life than with a woman like this. You won't be alone BTW, but if you were it would be better...


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## divorced2020 (May 19, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Wow, worse than I thought.
> 
> First off, yeah you are a fool, like I was and some still are.
> 
> ...


What I am wondering now is, am I going to be stuck paying spousal support?  She screwed me over in more ways than one. Our fights are awful, put me in slump for years. Gaslighted so much over the years. We never had discussions, it was always an argument or a fight. Never middle ground and she always escalated it quickly to yelling and or tears. I do agree with the function of spousal support in many cases. In this case where my wife showed little drive to further her education or raise her value in the work place to get more money, yet leeched off me and used me for years while spending all her income and mine. It would it would be doing me a disservice if I was forced to pay HER support in the divorce. Not sure she would ask for it but she is hot and cold depending on the day so who knows.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

divorced2020 said:


> What I am wondering now is, am I going to be stuck paying spousal support?  She screwed me over in more ways than one. Our fights are awful, put me in slump for years. Gaslighted so much over the years. We never had discussions, it was always an argument or a fight. Never middle ground and she always escalated it quickly to yelling and or tears. I do agree with the function of spousal support in many cases. In this case where my wife showed little drive to further her education or raise her value in the work place to get more money, yet leeched off me and used me for years while spending all her income and mine. It would it would be doing me a disservice if I was forced to pay HER support in the divorce. Not sure she would ask for it but she is hot and cold depending on the day so who knows.


Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Or are you just talking big on the internet about divorce. I am not trying to be a jerk. 

But you have, like I said, way more than enough reasons to divorce her. Here is the reality, get a good lawyer. Make sure that other people you know think he/she is a good lawyer. 

This is going to cost you money, no way around it, but... You will not be paying child support as the kids are not yours. Second how long have you been married? That has an effect of sometime dictating how much spousal support you have to pay.

Get a good lawyer no matter how much it costs, this is an area not to scrimp... 

But anything will be better than saying with her.... Do you see that???


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So you need to get with a few lawyers ASAP to get the finances figured out, etc. and what your plan will be.
IF you can detail the expenses she spent on HERSELF that came out of your funds (and if the children were not legally yours, those expenses maybe could be deducted from anything you owe her -- the lawyers would know that).
I would NOT be surprised to find out she has cheated on you MORE than that one time you indicated if she is going on vacations with her single friends leaving YOU to take care of the kids and she is partying. Doesn't matter NOW.
YOU need to make sure that YOUR friends and family know what SHE has done in the marriage and that is why you are getting divorced. Tell them about her cheating. I wouldn't let HER play the blame game (even though as you said she will try to do that).


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## divorced2020 (May 19, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Or are you just talking big on the internet about divorce. I am not trying to be a jerk.
> 
> But you have, like I said, way more than enough reasons to divorce her. Here is the reality, get a good lawyer. Make sure that other people you know think he/she is a good lawyer.
> 
> ...


Not talking big game here. I have not spoken to a lawyer yet which is obviously the next step in getting this part of my life over with so I can move on. I kicked her out and now I am ready to proceed with the divorce. She also wants this marriage to be over. Not a one-sided divorce where one person wants to fix it or stay. Her and I mutual agree to end it. It's been a few weeks since she left the house. All this is nerve wracking and this week I want for her an I to tell the kids about it and then I will let me family know what is going on.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

divorced2020 said:


> Not talking big game here. I have not spoken to a lawyer yet which is obviously the next step in getting this part of my life over with so I can move on. I kicked her out and now I am ready to proceed with the divorce. She also wants this marriage to be over. Not a one-sided divorce where one person wants to fix it or stay. Her and I mutual agree to end it. It's been a few weeks since she left the house. All this is nerve wracking and this week I want for her an I to tell the kids about it and then I will let me family know what is going on.


Ok, I get it. So neither of you have filed. 

You need to hire a lawyer and make sure sure sure that he/she is a GOOD one.... 

Just get it done. You will feel so much better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wanted someone to take care of her and her children. You fit the bill.

Obviously, you should have gotten out long ago but you didn’t. Don’t waste any more time. 

As for how much support or for how long, that would depend on your state.


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