# Husband's big blow-up a year after his EA. Reasonable or not?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We are over a year post-EA (his) and had an iffy conversation I'd like some opinions on...

My husband has been working locally at a house (he's in construction.) Turns out he knows the wife of the couple that own the house as they went to school together, so they have been making smalltalk about school, who they're still in contact with etc.

Now. My husband gets stressed by work and prefers not to talk much about it at home. He will tell me the odd story about something funny or annoying that happened but really that's it. This last few days he has come home talking about this couple and in particular this woman and the conversations they have had, which sound like harmless catching up.

However when he started talking about her again the other night it was a big trigger. He used to come home talking about the OW a LOT which at the time I didn't think anything of. So I asked him, what is she like? Is she nice?

He played dumb and threw questions back at me for a couple of minutes until he finally answered that he "wouldn't." He then threw a tantrum, saying he was fed up of this, that he couldn't have a conversation without me bringing this up, that it was driving him insane and that he couldn't do this anymore. Then walked out of the living room.

Things were cooled for a bit as my parents popped by then he walked up to me, hugged me (his way of saying sorry) and started acting nice again.

It's playing on my mind. It's been something that comes up now every month at least. For me I can say that although it does come up, I always am careful in how I do it. It is never thrown in his face. But he is almost rug-sweeping now time has passed. Like he's happy with me so long as I don't bring it up which reminds him. It hurts me that it looks like he'd rather I bottle things up and pretend it never happened now and makes out I'm being unreasonable. I happen to think I have been MORE than reasonable throughout this whole thing.

Should I approach him about it and if so, what should I say? Or should I let it pass? Maybe I *am* being unreasonable?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you done to work through the affair and it's affects on your marriage?

C


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> What have you done to work through the affair and it's affects on your marriage?
> 
> C


Better yet, has the OP's husband done the work he needs to do? Does he understand that he should cool off with the "catching up" with females and all that?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

NC, counselling and working on boundaries. Both worked on own issues pertinent to what happened in and out of counselling. Probably relevant to say we established his behaviour was not because of issues within our relationship, ie there was not anything about me he was unhappy about, but rather very poor boundaries and a lot of need on his part for ego stroking (which he says he already got plenty of from me and built up his ego.) Also an element of "escapism" from major stresses for him in our life together.

He has always maintained he is "not that sort of guy" to cheat, almost like the "him" during his EA was another person. He has taken ownership of what he did but any mention is taken badly by him. A lot of the time when this sort of thing comes up, he accuses me of going back to that bad place we were at instead of looking forward, or tells me I need to move on and stop reliving it. I am very careful of how I bring up issues; I look at it like "how can we work through this issue?" rather than what he perceives which is I think is "you're a horrible person and let's talk about that."

We weren't married when it happened. We got married a year after.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Better yet, has the OP's husband done the work he needs to do? Does he understand that he should cool off with the "catching up" with females and all that?


Sorry, I meant that as a royal "you".  As in, as a couple.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Better yet, has the OP's husband done the work he needs to do? Does he understand that he should cool off with the "catching up" with females and all that?


Honestly?

Much as I like to say we've done well, we've not gone perfectly in everything.

Although he understands the hurt he caused, I think he very much sees it as an event that happened in the past. It happened, he did what he did, what happened happened, and time has moved on. And so we have.

He doesn't always appreciate that despite moving on, what happened DOES cause ripples in the water, if you like. He can be seriously thoughtless with regard to things like the example I mentioned. I do feel he moves with things if *I* bring up things I'd like him to alter/change/think about, but doesn't tend to act "proactively" in policing himself and then blames ME if I'm upset saying it's my fault for not reminding him to do or not do certain things.

He has a bit of a thing about a boundary he *has* implemented regarding speaking to other women. He brings up from time to time about how he doesn't even speak to strange women anymore. And he sounds resentful. Not so much that he is particularly bothered about speaking to these women but it comes across more that he feels bitter about having to adjust his behaviour.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Study this with your husband, it has helped a lot of couples.



Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sounds selfish. 

You need to articulate to him how much pain he caused you. 

Now despite any urges, playing games will only make things worse.

You also need to let him know that he isn't in the clear, that if you feel he isn't really remorseful or dedicated to change then he may get the tan envelope. 

I don't want you to scare or threaten him with it, but you need to know that you will not be in a marriage where you are not appreciated. 

He need to be willing to go the long haul. If he gets complacent, he WILL NOT appreciate what you've done for him by letting him stay in your life. 

If he doesn't appreciate the anxieties and tribulations that you have to go through most like daily, then you may be in a false reconciliation


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Kasler said:


> Sounds selfish.
> 
> You need to articulate to him how much pain he caused you.
> 
> ...


Thoughtful post, thanks. You've articulated a lot of my feelings really well there. I will store that for future reference.

He doesn't REALLY understand because, how can he? He thinks he does but he doesn't understand the pain of the lasting effects or probably truly how deeply he hurt me.

I don't want to relive or revisit it... However it WILL come up. He needs to understand this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Thanks LordMayhem.

I have of course read that what feels like hundreds of times since last year. I have mentally ticked off each of those in the reconciliation side.

The trouble seems like now, he has ticked off "have done everything necessary" and thinks no more is really needed and I am somehow faulty for still needing his input.

A shame really. I wonder if it would be useful to show him this thread...?


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## ReturnOfTheKitty (Aug 11, 2012)

tobio said:


> Thanks LordMayhem.
> 
> 
> The trouble seems like now, he has ticked off "have done everything necessary" and thinks no more is really needed and I am somehow faulty for still needing his input.


Point number three under Rugsweeping in LM's post


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I see what you mean. It confuses me because it's not like I can say he's done nothing or rug swept throughout, because he hasn't. It's like he's gone past the point of still feeling he has to do things, feels like he's done enough.

He'll also not be happy that I've been on here.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Why won't he be happy that you've been on here? This is a support group for people who have gone through what you two have GONE through.

If he would not be happy, to me that's a red flag that he hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the affair on your feelings.

It's imperative that he fully comprehends this stuff. Even though it's been a year, he needs to understand that simply talking to another woman the way he has is going down the slippery slope once again.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

SomedayDig said:


> Why won't he be happy that you've been on here? This is a support group for people who have gone through what you two have GONE through.
> 
> If he would not be happy, to me that's a red flag that he hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the affair on your feelings.
> 
> It's imperative that he fully comprehends this stuff. Even though it's been a year, he needs to understand that simply talking to another woman the way he has is going down the slippery slope once again.


Dig,

He wouldn't be happy because he doesn't like me going on any forums. He hates me sharing personal things about our lives with complete strangers and being judged. When it first happened I started what turned into a huge thread in the Men's Clubhouse, and he found the thread and posted saying how he thought everyone was really judgemental.

I did ask him again about the old school friend and he just said that not to worry, she wasn't nice like that... Erm not sure if I should be worried if she HAD been nice judging by that logic...

Not really sure how to handle this one as feel I'd be saying things I've said a thousand times before...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tobio said:


> I see what you mean. It confuses me because it's not like I can say he's done nothing or rug swept throughout, because he hasn't. It's like he's gone past the point of still feeling he has to do things, feels like he's done enough.
> 
> He'll also not be happy that I've been on here.


Sounds too much like the usual "Get over it already". Look, it takes on average 2-5 years to recover from infidelity...IF and that's a big IF, he's continuing to do his part. 

You heal at your own pace, not his, get it? Don't ever let him rush you. If he tries to rush you, then he's rugsweeping.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Sounds too much like the usual "Get over it already". Look, it takes on average 2-5 years to recover from infidelity...IF and that's a big IF, he's continuing to do his part.
> 
> You heal at your own pace, not his, get it? Don't ever let him rush you. If he tries to rush you, then he's rugsweeping.


Thanks LM, you guys are articulating a lot of what I am feeling but have not been able to organise in my head or verbalise. I think it *is* because he HAS done things to help that I feel conflicted. 

Something really small yesterday got me really thinking about this all. I had his phone and noticed he had deleted all his messages.

Now, I can't honestly say I think there was something untoward. I really don't think there is anything for me to be worried about. It is a trigger though: he used to delete the messages she sent him so I could never actually verify she said what he said she did, even though I had specifically requested he keep ANY messages for me to see. He said he was "protecting" me which is something that even now gets me INCREDIBLY riled up.

It is just really sad to me that a year on and I am having to broach this again.

At times I wish he would come on here and read so he could understand that what I say is not unique to me and understand there are BSs out there going through exactly the same thing. He hates this place though; it's not going to happen.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop worrying about what your H, thinks, and what he likes and dislikes, as to you protecting yourself, and your mge

Your H---HAS NO RIGHT TO QUESTION/DISCUSS/OR ANYTHING ELSE ---the boundary of him speaking to other women

He cheated, he gave up his rights in the area of talking to other women, for any reason whatsoever

If he doesn't like it---then whether you like it or not---you need to hammer him, and hammer him hard

He WILL follow his boundaries, or there MUST BE/WILL BE consequences, and they must take the form of ACTIONS---not words

He doesn't get to be a pouty, little child, who doesn't like having his wrist slapped

He cheated---he stays within his boundaries, for as long as you need him to be there

Time for you to have a strong ONE-SIDED discussion about the mge, and where it is going, if your H., can't stay within his boundaries---and do not be NICE about it---If he needs the occassional reminder, then so be it---if he doesn't like it---his alternative is always there for him---there are lots of D., lawyers out there.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

It's difficult jnj. I know you are right. It just takes me by surprise when he blows up like he did. When I replay it in my head I think of everything I *should* have said. What usually happens is I am a bit shell-shocked and end up stewing over it for ages. Like I am now. Then he tries to say sorry and I am left thinking whether I should bring it up as the atmosphere is settled again.

I am not a confrontational person and he isn't always the easiest to approach so it takes me a while to gather my momentum. I don't like being like that but I am working on it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Have been thinking since I posted earlier.

Can anyone suggest any other links I could get him to read? Preferably something not too wordy or long about R and the after-effects of infidelity.

Or just any helpful words...


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

i am earlier in the process (5 months past d day) than you are but there are some similarities, and i just wanted to let you know that!

my WH is also in some kind of in-between place re: his efforts toward R and remorse. i can't say that he has done nothing positive in these directions -- he has listened and answered questions and expressed regret for his actions. i believe that he loves me and would like to save our marriage. i believe that he is a basically good man.

however, he did not immediately end all contact and he is not all the way to remorse as defined by the chart. he finds it very challenging to withstand conversation that relates to his loss of integrity (who doesn't?) and he is still TTing. he is agreeable to transparency but does not expand upon that proactively. to make things more difficult, he has never been the introspective, self-reflective type and suggests that we need to be more forward-looking and less analytical. 

like you, i am trying to hang in there with this process. until i'm sure that there's nothing worth saving, it is hard for me to do otherwise. i assume that when the moment comes to throw in the towel, i will sadly do so.... but i am keeping the faith for now.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

margrace

Did your husband have a EA as well? There are a lot of similarities.

I thought that things would just go smoothly. Once we established a way of living day-to-day and handling routinely given situations I thought it would just carry on like that, not stop after a finite time because he decided he'd done enough. I thought he'd be able to anticipate potential trigger situations and deal with them positively. I thought he'd just, well, want to prove to me forever and ever that he just wants to make it better. To tell me how much he appreciates me giving him another chance - he's NEVER told me that. Sometimes when he gets angry it's like he's telling me he's doing me a favour being here for all the hassle I give him about it.

I feel very sad at times and he doesn't understand why.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I showed him this thread last night.

He was surprisingly okay about it. Actually very sombre and introspective. Said he felt really bad that I was feeling so bad that I had to post on here. I just let him talk and he was quite honest.

Said he could see elements of him rugsweeping. Said that was selfish, because he knows he messed up really badly and like anyone who does anything like that, doesn't want to keep thinking about it.

Said he knows he can't truly understand what I'm feeling because he's never had anything like that happen to him.

There is a huge degree of embarrassment and shame and guilt for him which is the main factor... He just needs to get over that.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Tobio, I feel exactly like you do. I am about 6 months post H's EA. Whenever I need to offload there is a trigger etc, H helps but I can see the frustration and H tells me I need to stop over analysing things. he tells me he is here with me and no where else.

I am sometimes resentful of things too. For example, I want us to spend time out together etc and he tells me he is tired, needs to go to work in the morning. I immediately think, well you did it for OW and did this and did that. Am I not good enough? i realise it is not healthy but sometimes I get the trigger and jealous feelings etc...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

mc1234 said:


> Tobio, I feel exactly like you do. I am about 6 months post H's EA. Whenever I need to offload there is a trigger etc, H helps but I can see the frustration and H tells me I need to stop over analysing things. he tells me he is here with me and no where else.
> 
> I am sometimes resentful of things too. For example, I want us to spend time out together etc and he tells me he is tired, needs to go to work in the morning. I immediately think, well you did it for OW and did this and did that. Am I not good enough? i realise it is not healthy but sometimes I get the trigger and jealous feelings etc...


I wouldn't say "it's not healthy." I think that implies that what you are feeling is wrong. I remember feeling similar in thinking about things he did happily for her. Like an ongoing issue back then was I wanted him to be more affectionate. He was frequently turning down my affections, at times very bluntly, and told me he just wasn't like that (he had been when we first met for a while.) Yet she engineered a situation where she got him to hug her - which I had to fight for from him - which was when they kissed.

I explain that although HE knows how he feels about me, I need to be told and shown that. Saying he is here isn't enough. It doesn't begin to cover it. You need to tell your H and focus on YOU rather than what HE deems right and good.


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