# If you divorced over sex....



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Just how bad was it? 

Not trying to hijack the other thread, so wanted to start my own. How bad was it for you to divorce over sex? Was in a frequency thing, or because of a lack of variety, emotion, etc.?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have a gut feeling ver few men would actually go through with it. And my suspicion is the sex drive shame women tend to automatically toss when he wants it lots more than she does.

And I think it's sad when anyone discounts themselves and ends up feeling rotten about themselves as a result.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Not the sole reason for me, but high on the list. 

Best way to sum things up: W said, "I was reading about wives that give their men duty sex and it sounds perfect for us. I will just shut myself off and you will be happy."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Acorn said:


> Not the sole reason for me, but high on the list.
> 
> Best way to sum things up: W said, "I was reading about wives that give their men duty sex and it sounds perfect for us. I will just shut myself off and you will be happy."


Yikes! Cold hearted b!tch comes to mind...


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Not the sole reason for me, but high on the list.
> 
> Best way to sum things up: W said, "I was reading about wives that give their men duty sex and it sounds perfect for us. I will just shut myself off and you will be happy."


At least she was honest...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For me it was an overall mismatch on most every level. But it was very painful and sad too, because there was a lot of good. There were many other problems, however...so eventually it just broke down.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> For me it was an overall mismatch on most every level. But it was very painful and sad too, because there was a lot of good. There were many other problems, however...so eventually it just broke down.


Seconded.

I used to tell my ex that I would live a lifetime putting up with all of the other stuff, if ... only ... we could have connected intimately enough to meet my needs. Her response was, "How much is enough?" Bottom line, she didn't want to, and couldn't, meet my needs. There was still some good. But not nearly enough to offset the bad.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I was certainly considering it and actually decided when physical abuse entered the picture. After leaving, I realized that it wasn't just the physical connection that was lacking -- the emotional connection was a huge part of it. It doesn't feel so great when you give it your all and it isn't close to being reciprocated.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For me, also not the only reason, but very high on the list. Of course, the other reasons were closely associated: lack of affection, lack of meaningful communication, lack of respect. In the last few years, once or twice a year was about it.

Divorcing her was the best decision I ever made. Life immediately got better in almost every way, and I met the love of my life (and she has a high libido).


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Not the only reason but hell it is among the top 3. I struggled with it for years lets get down to the nitty gritty as that seems like what you want to know.

1. Frequency was maybe 2 times a month but it was normal to go a month or even months without.

2. Sex was difficult she was VERY restricting on what she wanted some oral and PIV in maybe 2 positions.

I loved her with all my heart and would of been okay with those restrictions for the rest of my life but the lack of it. Well it killed my emotional connection to her. I no longer felt like I was in a relationship with her. I lost that loving feeling. I still cared about the friendship but we where not really lovers anymore. Seems to me when you are with a person who is not matched up with you as far as drive goes it comes down to whether you are a physical person who just really likes sex or if you are like me and need it to feel that connection to your loved one. For me after years of it like many things it died for lack of attention. Oh and I did it all I begged, pleaded, fought, threatened, worked out, dinners, vacations, quality time, change my hours at work, read books EVERY DAMN THING. You know what I got out of it? Nothing that was worth me staying.

When people come to me with problems that are sex related that are like mine I got no hope to give them. I think the reality is pretty grim. Can it get better? Yes it can. Will that better be even close to what you want or need. Nope not at all. Sorry guys and gals but my experience for years just gives me no hope.

Oh and when I left her I found a person who is like me. No doubt we will have issues but at least that won't be one of them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> For me, also not the only reason, but very high on the list. Of course, the other reasons were closely associated: lack of affection, lack of meaningful communication, lack of respect. In the last few years, once or twice a year was about it.
> 
> Divorcing her was the best decision I ever made. Life immediately got better in almost every way, and I met the love of my life (and she has a high libido).


LOL, "in every way"...


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

As others have said, it's not the only reason, but its one of the top reasons. I just grew tired of hearing "no," "tomorrow," and "are you kidding me." In a lot of my posts I portray my wife as monster-like, and in many ways she is, but I do know that me leaving her will crush her. The thing is, she knows my needs, she's heard them before, she's promised to work on making things better and she does - for a little while, then she gets comfortable and it slips back into our old pattern. The longest we've gone without sex was 9 months - that was about 3 years ago. Things improved last year and we started having sex once a week but by then it was too late for me - I lost the emotional connection I had with her and fell out of love with her and really resent her now. I'm one of those guys that needs a physical relationship to be in love with someone - and I don't want just duty sex. It breaks my heart that I loved this woman for 10 years and my needs were never taken seriously yet I did almost everything she ever asked - whether it give her a napkin while she was on the couch or take her out when we barely had any money. All I ever wanted was a physical and loving relationship. For reasons that I've detailed in other postings I have to wait about 10 more months to be able to divorce her but every day is a day closer to the rest of my life. At least for now I have school and friends to distract me from this depressing situation I'm in.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

P51Geo1980 said:


> As others have said, it's not the only reason, but its one of the top reasons. I just grew tired of hearing "no," "tomorrow," and "are you kidding me." In a lot of my posts I portray my wife as monster-like, and in many ways she is, but I do know that me leaving her will crush her. The thing is, she knows my needs, she's heard them before, she's promised to work on making things better and she does - for a little while, then she gets comfortable and it slips back into our old pattern. The longest we've gone without sex was 9 months - that was about 3 years ago. Things improved last year and we started having sex once a week but by then it was too late for me - I lost the emotional connection I had with her and fell out of love with her and really resent her now. I'm one of those guys that needs a physical relationship to be in love with someone - and I don't want just duty sex. It breaks my heart that I loved this woman for 10 years and my needs were never taken seriously yet I did almost everything she ever asked - whether it give her a napkin while she was on the couch or take her out when we barely had any money. All I ever wanted was a physical and loving relationship. For reasons that I've detailed in other postings I have to wait about 10 more months to be able to divorce her but every day is a day closer to the rest of my life. At least for now I have school and friends to distract me from this depressing situation I'm in.


P51, I'm so sorry that your wife couldn't see what she was doing to your marriage by neglecting you before it was too late. I hope you find someone that will fulfill your needs.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Reading this thread is heartbreaking. I do not understand how one spouse can purposefully hurt the person they are supposed to love the most in such ways. I hope each of you that have left spouse's that neglected you find someone who will meet your needs enthusiastically.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

karole said:


> Reading this thread is heartbreaking. I do not understand how one spouse can purposefully hurt the person they are supposed to love the most in such ways. I hope each of you that have left spouse's that neglected you find someone who will meet your needs enthusiastically.


There are people who would be happy to do it, it doesn't "cost" them anything, they actually will feel like they are gaining.

These LD/HD dynamic with an unempathetic with holder really suck, it causes depression and depression sucks your soul out of you.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

For LDs like me, it is difficult to get in the mood. If we just give it up it gets labeled "duty sex". HDs can't comprehend it but this is the way it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

^techmom, just curious how often are you intimate with your partner?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

We are intimate once a week, hubby complains because I am "never into it" . I try to be as loving as possible only to get it thrown back in my face because I'm not gushing with lust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

techmom said:


> We are intimate once a week, hubby complains because I am "never into it" . I try to be as loving as possible only to get it thrown back in my face because I'm not gushing with lust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like a lust filled cauldren, dripping with it, in evervecense of it, dripping from your pores, mouth like honey, eyes aglow.


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

techmom said:


> We are intimate once a week, hubby complains because I am "never into it" . I try to be as loving as possible only to get it thrown back in my face because I'm not gushing with lust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once a week is actually quite good, especially if you have kids.
As long as he knows that you love him and respect him then he should be fine with this arrangement . People have different drives.
It looks like your husband might have some issues

Once a week would be a blessing for me lol, my wife is happy with once a month if at all. To me thats unacceptable.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

techmom said:


> For LDs like me, it is difficult to get in the mood. If we just give it up it gets labeled "duty sex". HDs can't comprehend it but this is the way it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is there anyone or anything that turns you on? What could HE do to turn you on?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

techmom said:


> We are intimate once a week, hubby complains because I am "never into it" . I try to be as loving as possible only to get it thrown back in my face because I'm not gushing with lust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did he know you were LD when you got married? If so then he should not have an issue (easier said than done).

What is your number one way of expressing your love to him?

I am sure my wife feels the same as you, but it is all about her attitude. When her way of initiating is "want to have some quick fun or are you good" after no sex for 2 months it kind of kills the moment. At that moment I know it is not about love to her and only duty sex to keep me quiet. 

You probably don't know how empty it feels to have sex with your wife and realize when it is over, that she did not even touch you the entire time. You kissed her but she did not kiss back, her hands were on the bed the entire time, her were closed, and her legs were open, that should be good enough. It actually feels worse than having just said I was good and found something else to do.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Did he know you were LD when you got married? If so then he should not have an issue (easier said than done).
> 
> What is your number one way of expressing your love to him?
> 
> ...


That sounds like it takes something from you to have to go through it.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

treyvion said:


> That sounds like it takes something from you to have to go through it.


Yes it does. I always start off hopeful that it will be a great experience, that once we get into it she will respond and enjoy it as much as I do. It rarely happens these days.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Just how bad was it?
> 
> Not trying to hijack the other thread, so wanted to start my own. How bad was it for you to divorce over sex? Was in a frequency thing, or because of a lack of variety, emotion, etc.?


You know after almost 4 years I just cannot remember how bad it was and I just don't care anymore.

All I know is that we were together for almost 20 years and it became quite sexless at some point and was pretty much totally sexless at the end, maybe once or twice a year. 
The sex was passionless, unadventurous and mechanical.
But it really wasn't the lack of sex that was the problem, it was him telling me he loved me, he would do something about his problems and he never did. He didn't truly love me, he loved the marriage we had, the gorgeous kids, the money we made, the lifestyle, the beautiful wife that did everything for him and the family.
So yes it was sexless but even though we had some great parts to our marriage I felt like I was drowning and it impacted my health.

I still read the horror stories here and feel sad for those involved, the waste of their lives 

But the flip side is that after going through such an experience I have come out the other side a much more confident woman. I am with the wonderful Mr H and we have a sexual chemistry that is blissful. We have a relationship and love that is so important and precious to both of us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It was one of the top reasons. He did not want sex or to anything but play video games.

Divorce made sense.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Is there anyone or anything that turns you on? What could HE do to turn you on?


I was always LD, and right now I have so much resentment that nothing he can do can turn me on. And to top that off I'm heading towards perimenopause and going through mood swings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

P51Geo1980 said:


> As others have said, it's not the only reason, but its one of the top reasons. I just grew tired of hearing "no," "tomorrow," and "are you kidding me." In a lot of my posts I portray my wife as monster-like, and in many ways she is, but I do know that me leaving her will crush her. The thing is, she knows my needs, she's heard them before, she's promised to work on making things better and she does - for a little while, then she gets comfortable and it slips back into our old pattern. The longest we've gone without sex was 9 months - that was about 3 years ago. Things improved last year and we started having sex once a week but by then it was too late for me - I lost the emotional connection I had with her and fell out of love with her and really resent her now. I'm one of those guys that needs a physical relationship to be in love with someone - and I don't want just duty sex. It breaks my heart that I loved this woman for 10 years and my needs were never taken seriously yet I did almost everything she ever asked - whether it give her a napkin while she was on the couch or take her out when we barely had any money. All I ever wanted was a physical and loving relationship. For reasons that I've detailed in other postings I have to wait about 10 more months to be able to divorce her but every day is a day closer to the rest of my life. At least for now I have school and friends to distract me from this depressing situation I'm in.


I could have written this. I feel bad for you because I know exactly how you feel. I am living it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

techmom said:


> For LDs like me, it is difficult to get in the mood. If we just give it up it gets labeled "duty sex". HDs can't comprehend it but this is the way it is.



Okay, so it's difficult to get in the mood. That doesn't mean you have to have duty sex. You can come to your husband - maybe not horny - but happy to have him in your life, to yourself. And, from that mental place is where you provide a good sex life. Because, you are (or should be) in the mood for him when he wants something.

Is that a sacrifice? Sure it is? But sacrifice is a big part of having a spouse and family. Do you pitch a fit or tune out when you don't feel like tending to your children? And, if you can't be a cheerful servant in that manner now, you can learn to do so. I've seen it (although not in my own marriage, unfortunately).

I'll repeat an earlier anecdote. My son was a HUGE grandpa's boy. Always wanted my dad to play, always wanted to sleep over - that sort of thing. When he got to be a toddler and could express himself, he wanted my dad to change his diapers whenever possible (and that meant the poopy ones too).

My dad is worse than most with poop, and politely refused at first. Seeing how hurt my son was, he decided he would "suck it up" and meet this need in the future. He learned changing diapers was not that big a deal, and even had it been remained difficult the deepened bond he built with my son was worth it.

After the diaper stage had passed, my father noted that he was truly happy that he took advantage of that opportunity. And, now that my son has passed on and future opportunties to meet his needs will not be, those are now precious memories.

And, my son grew into one of the most empathetic and considerate children I have other seen. While other factors were at play, I strongly feel that having his sensitive needs acknowledged and met led him to treat others with equal regard and sensitivity. It's too much coincidence to be otherwise.

Is anyone who needs to hear this listening out there?


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

techmom said:


> For LDs like me, it is difficult to get in the mood. If we just give it up it gets labeled "duty sex". HDs can't comprehend it but this is the way it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So if your husband was neglectful or emotionally unavailable to you would you accept that as just being the way it is? If he really didn't want to be affectionate with you or attend to your other needs but did so anyways wouldn't that take away from the emotional significance of those actions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

LD's should strive to find their like minded partners rather than to feign exuberance for that which they disdain.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> We are intimate once a week, hubby complains because I am "never into it" . I try to be as loving as possible only to get it thrown back in my face because I'm not gushing with lust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once a week how long into the marriage?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Just how bad was it?
> 
> Not trying to hijack the other thread, so wanted to start my own. How bad was it for you to divorce over sex? Was in a frequency thing, or because of a lack of variety, emotion, etc.?


Sex was a large part of the problem. Perhaps I could have overlooked a lot of the other problems if the sex had been fantastic.

We just weren't compatible on so many issues.

Before we got married, we had an active and fulfilling sex life.

So, it really puzzled me after got married when she cut me off and her excuse was, "I need just a little more time to get used to the idea". 

We'd go 6 or 8 weeks pretty much without any physical contact. Then, I'd try to hug up to her and kiss her and she'd say, "Is that ALL you think about!!!!!" And it would end in a fight. 

Not only was there no sex, she was a SAHW... yet she wasn't cooking, she wasn't cleaning, she couldn't keep me in clean clothes... One time, she told me she was going to the grocery store and I asked her to pick me up some oranges and she yelled at me, "I'm NOT GOING DOWN THE PRODUCE AISLE!!!"

All in all, she was the one that actually ended up leaving.

Yeah, her leaving was like pulling a huge thorn out of my side. 

By far, the 2 most miserable years of my life...

After two years of that BS, I ended up giving her $25,000 in property settlement (half of what I had accumulated in those 2 years).. I paid her $1,000 a month for a year alimony, I paid off the new car I bought her $350 a month for 3 years.

See, the fact that she had no earned income over that period, the state deemed her an invalid... and she MUST be supported in a manner in which she had become accustom to living. The state didn't care if I lived in a cardboard box under a bridge.

A contributing factor was the fact that if she pushed it, she could have gotten permanent alimony. So, under advise of my attorney. "Give her anything she wants so you don't have to pay her permanent alimony the rest of her life." 

I didn't hate her when she left.. I just wanted out. By the time we got divorced... 


But, the benefit was that there was no way I would have ever remarried except someone I just absolutely could not live without.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> So if your husband was neglectful or emotionally unavailable to you would you accept that as just being the way it is?


Once my wife made the transition to LD land I followed the approach above, and it was clear that it was not something she liked. I explained to her the idea that a marriage is not like a cafeteria where you select a little of this and a little of that. But it was like explaining poetry to her...

Now that we're making the transition into frigid land I have found it is helpful to be optionally detached. Do the minimum and expect nothing and even if offered don't bother. The faster you can make the transition to roommates and drop all pretenses of being married the easier it is for both of you and the easier it may be for the LD partner to see the impact of their choice. 

If you keep coming back to once a month or whatever or fall into "we are great friends enjoy everything together except ..." all you do is keep perpetuating the status quo. I'm not talking a simple 180, more like an instant brick wall with no exceptions. 180's may take time, and time allows one to get used to things. A brick wall is easier to notice 

If it comes out as passive aggressive so be it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

In most threads that hash out the LD/HD divide (this one included), it seems that "LD" is poorly defined. A common assumption that is made about the LD partner is that they refuse to lovingly put forth the effort to satisfy their spouse sexually. Yes, there are spouses who do that, just as there are spouses who don't put forth effort to satisfy their partners emotionally. 

But there is another "type" of LD spouse who DOES put forth this effort, who very much appreciates their HD spouse's needs, and who is still told that their best effort is not good enough, that they are selfish and withholding. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, Techmom, but I think you've expressed this very frustration. 

For some HD partners, "best effort" from an LD spouse is not good enough. "Loving effort" is not good enough. They want their spouse to have (or find a way to develop) the same level of desire and enthusiasm that they have. They don't want their spouse to fake it, they don't want sex lovingly given but not initiated out of intense sexual desire. They want their spouse to desire them sexually in the same intense way they feel desire. 

But people are not all wired the same. We don't have the same hormones, levels of serotonin, psycho-seuxal histories, genetics, etc. Some of these things are not under our control. 

Partners who demand this sort of sexual equivalency cannot or will not be happy with a partner with a low drive. You can't ask someone to be something they are not. In a loving relationship, both sides have to give a little. Partners who cannot accept a spouse with little or no sexual drive (but who do all they can to engage in loving sex with their partner) will eventually erode the LD partner's sense of love and replace it with resentment. Loving sex becomes duty sex. 

There are LD partners out there who can and do gain pleasure from giving pleasure. To insist that they are deficient because they cannot feel or receive the same level of sexual pleasure is to deny the love they offer. It denies and diminishes the work they do on themselves out of LOVE for their spouse. It demands, but it does not give. 

Not ALL HD partners are like this with their loving LD spouses. But the ones who are, I think, are doomed to a sex life far diminished from what it might have been. 

Again, I think having a LD/HD discussion is of little use unless LD is very narrowly defined. Being LD doesn't make you a "bad" spouse anymore than being HD makes you a "bad" spouse. Lack of flexibility in accepting the honest limitations of your partner can make you a "bad" spouse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It is more about causes and willingness or lack thereof than flexibility actually. Remember the once a quarter with once a week example that meeting halfway results in once a month....


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

john117 said:


> It is more about causes and willingness or lack thereof than flexibility actually. Remember the once a quarter with once a week example that meeting halfway results in once a month....


John, I'm talking about situations in which compromise over frequency have been adequately met. Situations when willingness isn't an issue, when there is no cause other than a drive that has always been low. 

I'm talking about when more is always going to be demanded of the LD partner as far as enthusiasm and sheer sex drive goes. I'm talking about when there is honestly no more that the low drive partner can do before going around the bend into resentment. 

HD individuals who demand this sort of change from a loving LD spouse condemn themselves to damaged intimacy just as LD partners who cannot loving meet an HD partner's need for sex damage intimacy. Few couples who are caught up in this cycle are seldom willing to blamelessly concede that they are never going to solve this problem. One or the other learns to live with it and cope (cheerfully or with resentment), or one or the other initiates divorce, or behavior (such as cheating) that leads to divorce.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A compromise is useless without understanding the true causes of the mismatch and without the willingness to do something about it.

Our sample couple could compromise from once a month vs 3x a week to once a week with little effort but I'd be willing to bet that without understanding the reasons behind the mismatch it will soon revert to where one side will push for acceptance of their position.

A compromise is just that, a compromise. Te real effort is understanding what is happening and fixing it not because it's a compromise but because it's the right thing to do.

The compromising hypothetical HD could see the 1x a week and push for more, while the hypothetical LD could see the 1x and push for less. The end result as you put it is emotional damage. Unfortunately such is the nature of the beast.

I guess I see the term compromise as a negative that implies both parties give something up for the "greater good". While this may sound good I can't help but wonder how such compromises fare in the long term without building resentment from either side.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> In most threads that hash out the LD/HD divide (this one included), it seems that "LD" is poorly defined. A common assumption that is made about the LD partner is that they refuse to lovingly put forth the effort to satisfy their spouse sexually. Yes, there are spouses who do that, just as there are spouses who don't put forth effort to satisfy their partners emotionally.
> 
> But there is another "type" of LD spouse who DOES put forth this effort, who very much appreciates their HD spouse's needs, and who is still told that their best effort is not good enough, that they are selfish and withholding.
> 
> ...


Thanks Getting It, this is what I say over and over again in numerous threads only to be shouted down into the , "well, you have do just do it and he will be happy" argument. No he won't, he wants genuine lust, panting, panties wet, screaming sex. Anything less than that and something's wrong. He measures himself by how much he turns me on.

We recently had a huge fight about this, his demands are killing my desire. We were always at once or twice a week since dating, but at the beginning of the relationship of course I was more passionate. PEA hormones were kicking in high gear, those of you who don't know what those are by now, read up on it. Those are the hormones that are present in the beginning of the relationship, which inspire the frequent lovemaking. 2 to 3 years in the relationship they are replaced by oxycotin, the cuddle hormone. Look this up. This is what you HD guys like to call the "bait and switch" except there was none, it was just the hormones switched. Now she is at her natural sex drive, but it just doesn't suit you. Nope, you wanted the same fun like before, now she switched into caregiving mode after the kids. Now, she sees you as another demand, another person to have hanging onto her. If she is a working mom, even more so.

This is my experience, take it or leave it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

john117 said:


> A compromise is useless without understanding the true causes of the mismatch and without the willingness to do something about it.
> 
> Our sample couple could compromise from once a month vs 3x a week to once a week with little effort but I'd be willing to bet that without understanding the reasons behind the mismatch it will soon revert to where one side will push for acceptance of their position.
> 
> ...


I'm all for finding "true causes" underlying any and all types of marital conflicts. But sometimes the "true cause" is just plain old human variation. What then? 

If both parties in this situation can't accept the true and honest limits of their spouse, then yes, any compromise stands to become, well, compromised. 

But I think that this is the very essence of a successful marriage--each partner accepts that there are some things that they cannot change about their spouse. They accept that their spouse is doing what they can to meet their needs, and they adjust and find ways to productively cope. There is no shame in coming to the conclusion that the variation is too much to bridge with compromise, and with dissolving the union as amicably as possible. I don't think that happens very often, though--hurt feelings and unmet needs are much easier to blame on bad behavior than on a bad match. 

My marriage has taken more compromise that the typical union--we are as different as day and night (a very bad match, in many ways). Looking those differences dead on and not flinching takes plenty of work, but we are fianlly, finally slaying the beast.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There can't be a worse match than ours. Ironically my daughters seem to have picked all my good attributes, all my wife's good attributes, and very few of either of our bad attributes.

Compromise occurs when a loss of value in one position is met with a gain in another position. Think when selling a house. The real estate agent wants the seller and buyer to agree on a price so the sale closes and he gets his commission. In the coital department it is hard to phrase it so it comes out right. "We can have sex once a week instead of once a month" implies some expectation of payback as a compromise ("and your mother can stay for a month instead of a week" )

I would say that it's not really a compromise, but more like an enlightenment or a Gestalt moment - there has to be an understanding that it's less about orgasms per week and about a holistically better marriage.

Darn, I should have taken more behavioral psych classes


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