# bad choices and finding myself



## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

In order to begin my story, I should state that I was in a loveless marriage for 15 years. My ex and I were simply friends that lived together and had a best friend kind of love, but the passion and lust that I wanted was NEVER present. I settled because circumstances in life had led me to believe that I would never be considered loveable. I got divorced and then it happened, BAM I found someone and felt an instant love that I had never expected to feel. I thought that he felt the same, but it turns out that the feelings were never there on his part and he was seeing someone else the whole time. Some of the damage from childhood surfaced and I felt so beyond betrayed that I behaved very poorly. I contacted his girlfriend and told her, then my pain caused me to continue to make bad choices. I knew then and now that what I was doing was wrong, but I felt so betrayed that I momentarily snapped. (There was and is more to it, but I don't feel like getting into those 2 reasons right now, I am trying to figure it out)

Anyway, I am seeing someone now that I am absolutely positive I will never be in love with, but he is safe and he won't cheat on me. I also know that I will never feel so strongly about him that I will snap again. My life after divorce is not going very well, but I have gone back home to see my dad, he is a very matter of fact person and is helping me to see what I need to do and why I made the choices I made, a lot of healing is happening. I am finding myself, but I wish there was a big delete button for the poor choices I made. 

It will work out, it will work out...I just need to keep saying that...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep your mantra.....it will.

There is no rush....but ask yourself why you are going into a similiar relationship that you got our of after 15 years. Obviously, you wanted more than just friendship and being "safe."


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## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

I just don't want to hurt again and I still feel unloveable, so safe is all I think I will find. Actually I feel more unloveable than ever...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are going to get back what you project out, if you feel unlovable then this is what you will get.

Why don't you take some time out of dating, do a self confidence course, find some hobbies, reconnect with friends and then when you feel whole move back into dating. 

I understand to a certain point, my marriage of 17 years was loveless in the end. I took time out after divorce to get some perspective on life and am now emotionally healthy and have met a wonderful man. Honestly I would not enter into a relationship if I didn't feel at least partly healed after divorce, it is a train wreck waiting to happen.


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## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

I appreciate what you said and I am trying to heal right now. When I said that I have gone back to see my dad, he is 1000 miles from where the divorce and the other relationship happened. A huge amount of healing is happening, conversations with my dad and siblings that should have happened years ago are happening now. It is good and who knows, maybe I will become whole. The safe guy knows some of this and is still waiting for me to figure things out.


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Teachgrl...it sounds like the only common denominator here is you.

It also sounds like you are looking for someone who will be passionate, loving, and safe yet you also feel unworthy of all these thing.

Like Holland said, you are therefore unliekly to attract what you want.

I would reccomend a serious journey of personal reflection and grown. Self-help books and IC.


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## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

Absolutely, the common denominator is me!! I would never blame someone else for my actions. There was no gun to my head, I made my own choices, just like now...I have made the choice to make serious movement towards healing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not fair to the man you are with if you truly feel as you say you do. 

You are settling and he may be really into you. Totally wrong.

Check yourself. Maybe it's you that is emotionally unavailable. Why are you attracted to all this unhealthiness?

You don't say what else went on that was so major since obviously you are ashamed about it but I would not date anyone if I were you until you get a handle on that and definitely don't string someone along just to make yourself feel "safe" or better." It's wrong. So wrong. 

How would YOU feel if someone you were dating said "I know with certainty I will never be in love with her but... she's safe... she's the safe girl."

Ick. 

You say you feel "unloveable?" You will never be happy until you stop feeling that way.


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## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

Came back home today, have an appointment with a counselor and I am having a heart to heart with the safe guy tonight. Look out life...here I come!!!



Update: He wasn't happy, but he understood. He said that he knew about it and that I hadn't led him to think any different. I had told him that I equate sex with love and we had not had sex yet. so he knew I wasn't "in love" with him.


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