# At what age should you stop celebrating your birthday?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mine is coming up in a few days. I am still young....at least I keep telling myself that. I'll be 29 this year.

We are in a tight spot with money right now for the next few weeks. We had plans to take a day off of work and take our kids to some local museums for the day, and then he wanted to take me out to dinner.

We made those plans a few weeks ago, and since then we've had a couple of things come up money wise. Its not that we absolutely couldn't afford it, its more that the money spent would be better saved for a couple large purchases on the horizon. 

I was very much looking forward to my bday and spending that day with my kids. But, for perspective, the most frequent point of contention between us is money. H is a saver, I am a spender. I am intelligent with money, pay bills, work full time and have a firm understanding of our money situation. So I don't want to paint the picture that I am irresponsible, because I don't think that I am. However, I am more comfortable with living in the "now" and putting only a portion of our income in savings whereas my H would rather that we lived his old bachelor lifestyle and saved every dime we earn.

I don't think he's "wrong", btw, we just disagree to what level to take it. I think to follow his exact wishes would ne a bit too extreme having two kids.

I digress - knowing our finances are tight, I offered to him to forget about the birthday stuff we had planned for later this week, let's save the money instead and save our vacation day for another time. I meant what I said, even though it pained me to say it since I was so looking forward to our plans. I just didn't want my bday to be spent feeling guilty for spending money on something for myself given the circumstances. 

Lately we haven't even fought about money, but if I make one unplanned purchase that isn't discussed explicitly beforehand, I end up FEELING his upcoming disapproval over it and guilt immediately washes over mr. Its an awful thing, I only remember feeling that way when I was a kid and I knew I had done something bad and was going home to face my parents lectures and punishment. 

I figured, that's no way to spend my birthday, with all that hanging over my head. 

His response - "OK".

SMH. 

I guess I was expecting a little more empathy or something, I don't know. Even a "That was nice of you to consider canceling your birthday plans to save money, I am happy that you acknowledged that saving money is important to me, we can plan to do something another time when we are not so strapped." Would have made me feel a lot better.

Now I am left just feeling like he could care less. And all the yuck feelings around that, like disappointment and hurt.

I keep telling myself, to snap out of it and stop thinking like a spoiled teenager. Don't people stop celebrating birthdays after they turn 21? Its just another day on the calendar and one year older is nothing to celebrate these days!! 

Anyway - I came here looking for a 2x4, so I can successfully make peace with this before I go home tonight. I don't want to discuss this with him because it will just lead to bad feelings on both sides and no sense in that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To be honest, trying to put myself in your husband's shoes, I would have been thinking I'd like to cancel for financial reasons....but I wouldn't want to be the bad guy. So once you said to cancel yourself I'd feel like I was let off the hook in that regard. But I wouldn't know how I was supposed to react. I would know that happiness or obvious relief would be bad....so I'd probably just say "ok" and try to act nonchalant about it.

Bottom line, based on the information I have here I wouldn't take it personally.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This seems like a no win situation for you.

If you went out for your birthday he'd be pissy about spending money.

Win/lose

When you let him off the hook he feels better but now you don't.

Another win/lose.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

There will be times in your life when money will be tight during the week or maybe even the entire month of your birthday. In those cases, you buy a box of cake mix, a container of frosting and call it a day. If you have to, take a rain check and celebrate it at a later date.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> To be honest, trying to put myself in your husband's shoes, I would have been thinking I'd like to cancel for financial reasons....but I wouldn't want to be the bad guy. So once you said to cancel yourself I'd feel like I was let off the hook in that regard. But I wouldn't know how I was supposed to react. I would know that happiness or obvious relief would be bad....so I'd probably just say "ok" and try to act nonchalant about it.
> 
> Bottom line, based on the information I have here I wouldn't take it personally.


Knowing my husband, I think you are spot on.

Intellectually, I know this. I understand his thought process and I understand why he most likely chose to say nothing but "ok".

Emotionally, it is a hard pill to swallow. Mostly because of my own disappointmemt for giving up something I was looking forward to, but also because I feel that I just made a pretty big sacrifice and I wish he would acknowledge that. It would lessen the sting a bit.

I am trying to be the bigger person and solve my problems by working on myself. Part of that is trying to digest and control my feelings before approaching my H, especially when I know that anything I say will lead to hurt feelings and shame. (He's a "nice guy" right from the book with a huge shame complex.)

It was an impossible situation - a win/lose. I chose to forfeit and let him win. I am trying to get over the desire to be acknowledged for my sacrifice, because intellectually I know I am an adult and I shouldn't need a pat on the back for doing the right thing.

Its just that my heart doesn't have the same "logic mode" that my brain does, despite me wanting to force it to forget how I feel.

I struggle a lot with this. Before marraige I used to have the space to just distance myself for a couple of days, get all the negative emotion out in private and return with myself under control. Now, with two kids and a house to run, there's no such thing as space or privacy. Unfortunately I am one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve...I have no poker face. So, I try to force to myself to get over things more quickly so that by the time o se my H this evening this will have washed over me and we can move on with no further thought.

I was hoping maybe that by coming here I could get the kick in the @ss I need to be an adult and move forward. 
_Posted via Mobilee Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Expecting people to respond in a particular way is a good way to get disappointed, and will only result in frustration and resentment. Holding in those feelings will cause the resentment to fester. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Really, you shouldn't have offered to "forget" your birthday if you didn't really mean it. It sounds to me like you wanted him to persuade you to still do birthday stuff, but as you seem to know him so well, why did you think he would do it when - by our own admission - he is a saver and you are a spender? So, you actually created your own problem. Better not to fall on your sword when you don't really mean it.

That said, you can still celebrate your birthday. Soak in the bath, send the kids to bed early, light some candles, and eat or drink whatever your dinner by candlelight, then have some down time together. Spending that time with your loved ones IS a gift.


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## Xenote2 (Feb 26, 2015)

My 30th bday is Monday and I'm faced with the exact same situation. I usually get money for my bday from family and my H is making me feel guilty for even considering spending it on "myself" (I was planning to replace our old scale because ours is out of whack). I feel like every year he makes it into a huge burden and makes me feel like crap.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Tell your husband that because of your (family) financial situation ALL birthdays will be scaled way back. Everyone will have a homemade cake and special meal and* ONLY* your kids get any sort of present (one). This means your parents and siblings and their families, your husband's parents and siblings and their families and friends only get a card. Your husband does not get a big celebration or going out to dinner, either. This way the burden is shared and no one is singled out to miss out on celebrating their birthday.

To answer your question, you stop celebrating when you die.

IamSomebody


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening kag123
I think the best birthday presents don't involve money at all. 

Just spending the day (or as much of it as you can) with the person you love, followed by an evening in bed where they do everything YOU most enjoy is better than anything you can buy.


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## Xenote2 (Feb 26, 2015)

I think what just hurts me is the effort I put in for his birthdays every year and he doesn't for mine. Last year I threw him a surprise party at our house. For v day I got our vows made into decals and put them in our bedroom, he got me nothing. I think inside everyone women wants to be treated like a queen and your bday is definitely not an exception.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

101. After 101 stop counting. You won.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm 57 years of age career woman and can afford just about anything, except a mansion in California. I celebrate my birthdays well. This year, I baked my own cake which is my husband's favorite, my husband grilled two steaks of the best cuts from the supermarket, got a bouquet of flowers from the supermarket, prepared side dishes of baked potatoes & green mix salad, coffee, and juice. I used my best China for the dinner setting. 

I took pictures of my husband & I (via remote timer). My husband sang "Happy Birthday" to me which was caught on video. I made a movie for this day and truly had a blast for the day for $50.00. (We celebrate birthdays with just the two of us.) We spent the evening together. It was a great day.

Be responsible for your own happiness. Don't leave celebration plans to your husband. With or without money, you can have great celebrations. I will celebrate birthdays and holidays every year to make myself and others happy. Make it happen.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Birthday celebrations shouldn't be about money. To me it's more about taking some time with loved ones and remembering the day. My wife and I still celebrate birthdays and we are in our 50s. My dad is in his 80s and we will be celebrating it with him this year. He lives 6000 miles away so it's not always possible. 

So my philosophy is that birthdays are a celebration of life. As such it's appropriate to celebrate them until youre in the grave. Even then if my wife dies first, I will probably still celebrate her birthday after she's gone and remember the good life we shared.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You should never give up celebrating birthdays! But for whatever practical reason sometimes you might have to postpone for a short while.

If you haven't yet, read Dave Ramsey's book "Total Money Makeover". Your library might have it. His website daveramsey.com has a ton of great tools and links. His Financial Peace course is taught at many churches and other venues, for about $100. The goal is for you two to be in sync with your finances. This will mean you agree to some play money for each of you, so when you make that unplanned purchase it is ok because it was out of your discretionary money.

Dave's basic plan is very good, and as you work it your husband might feel more relaxed about finances.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to 
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. "

-- Dave Berry


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