# I'm a mess so hurt



## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

I need some advice as to why my husband is running and hideing from this separation. Is this normal? To explain he was not having an affair but deep into porn and also suffers from a whole lot of mental issues. After I left for a few days to cool things down, he went nuts bought a truck, stocked the fridge with beer and I'm sure he porned to death. 
Been married 23 years and he says he does not want a divorce. He blames me [ of course] for my anger and says he cant handle the fighting. He has moved in with a women that is gay but has a son.
When he left he said he would be back and forth because he has his work tools here. Well he has just fallen off the face of the earth. When we do try and talk he is very clossed off and just not nice. This behavior is so confussing to me. He says he is having a very hard time with all of this. I feel when I see him that he is blamming me. He has told me that this is all his fault, but his actions are not matching. 
I had to file legal separation as he is going back into debt, just got out of a BK in Jan. He has left us with no money, house is going back to bank, and I have health issues.
He will not call or answer me and we have so much un finished business. Why do spouses do this?? 
I feel he is bitter at me and the truth is I have been a devoted wife, took 5 years to help him on his feet after a stroke. I am so very hurt. He wont even answer my sons calls. Please anyone in my shoes. I hate this limbo. Thanks Toby


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Sorry I don't have anything good to add but I know I would feel a little better just knowing someone took the time to type something.

Sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum. Either straighten up and work together or divorce. Not seperation. You joined this site over a year ago so there must be more to the story that I am missing. I wish you well.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Toby said:


> I need some advice as to why my husband is running and hideing from this separation. Is this normal? To explain he was not having an affair but deep into porn and also suffers from a whole lot of mental issues. After I left for a few days to cool things down, he went nuts bought a truck, stocked the fridge with beer and I'm sure he porned to death.
> Been married 23 years and he says he does not want a divorce. He blames me [ of course] for my anger and says he cant handle the fighting. He has moved in with a women that is gay but has a son.
> When he left he said he would be back and forth because he has his work tools here. Well he has just fallen off the face of the earth. When we do try and talk he is very clossed off and just not nice. This behavior is so confussing to me. He says he is having a very hard time with all of this. I feel when I see him that he is blamming me. He has told me that this is all his fault, but his actions are not matching.
> I had to file legal separation as he is going back into debt, just got out of a BK in Jan. He has left us with no money, house is going back to bank, and I have health issues.
> ...


Toby: I've been where you are now. We went thru a BK and gave the house back to the bank and my husband couldn't handle it. It tore him up inside, he was so ashamed and felt like a failure. It just added incredible stress to our relationship on top of everything else that was going wrong.

He went out trying to buy a sports car, moved out to a buddy's house and drank booze night and day, and hooked up with some chicks for company.

I feel sorry for him, he's hurting real bad, but I can't fix his problems and he has closed himself off from me emotionally. A few days ago he said he wants to file for divorce. I did not fight him, even though I don't want a divorce, but he has to work himself out. I can't make him think or feel a certain way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you should check into how gay this woman he's moved in with actually is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for reading, and for those who got back. I guess I am trying to see if other people have been where I am at. When he left he said he wanted to work on himself and because I have so much anger he can't stand our fighting. My anger is all the hurt he has done by his poor choices.

I know that him having a stroke changed him but I have been able to get past that. He has not. He lost his idenity. H e has been taking jobs that our way to much manual labor and he is trying to prove to himself he can. But then he hits the wall and its a mess. He is so combative. I am in shock that it has come to this after so much struggle to stay together. He just dosn't see his crappy treatment of me. His brain was tweaked, no empathy no consern for anyone.
I have in my mind also wondered what the conection is with the women he is staying with. I am told by others she is gay but who really knows.
I cant believe he will not even talk or call me or his sons. It hurts because I thought we would try to repair this. Preaty hard when someone hides. Thanks Toby


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