# When does a fetish become a problem for your marriage?



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

So I confessed in another post that I have certain types of men who for some reason turn me on. Normal right? Glad you agree.

So, let's just say that I am attracted to police officers and men of a certain race, and let's also say that my husband is neither of these.

Some suggested he play dress ups and he cuffe in bed to cover the police thing off. As for the "race" thing, well that's an awkward turtle, not like I can say "baby can you pretend to be a ____ man so I can get off?" 

I accept that when I married my H six years ago, I was "foresaking all others" and that I would not be getting my jollies outsidemy marriage. I also don't think it's fair to expect my H is going to fulfill every fantasy or preference I have, and that's fine by me. 

But I am uneasy about the level of obsession and attraction I feel towards other men from time to time. I don't ask for or pursue situations but itvis inevitable that I would find myself in situations where I 
interact with these men. 

When does an attraction become unhealthy or even creepy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If, while you're trying to be intimate with your spouse, you're thinking about other people, I'd say that's a problem. The cuffs are an ok touch, but for him to convincingly be a police officer, when you're home in bed, he should be at work. If you want the full effect, he can withdraw half the money in the joint account and hide it. You'll be poor, your husband will be at work, maybe getting himself killed, and you'll know you've married yourself a cop.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your work _is_ appreciated, unbe.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jld said:


> Your work _is_ appreciated, unbe.


It may be appreciated, but it aint sexy (not to anyone who actually lives with one of us).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, maybe it is a crazy idea, but could you shadow a police officer for a day? It may be, as unbe is saying, very different than what you think.

Otherwise, do you think just giving it all time could help? I have had all kinds of crushes that have passed with time. Just make sure you cuddle up to your dh and expend as much of that energy as possible on him.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

QuietSoul said:


> So I confessed in another post that I have certain types of men who for some reason turn me on. Normal right? Glad you agree.
> 
> So, let's just say that I am attracted to police officers and men of a certain race, and let's also say that my husband is neither of these.
> 
> ...



When it becomes negative or is destructive to another.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I know whatever this is isn't based on any reality, it's really just the abstract idea of domination and authority, mostly the uniform I think. Not sure i can explain the race attraction though. I don't think about other men when i'm being intimate with H. If I were at that point, I would be getting some help.

Just yesterday, I went to a bible study at my work. I had met some of them before at a bible study lunch, but this is the first time I went to the actual group.

So there was a guy there who I found attractive in that way. I sat down and he sat next to me. Then we were reading out scripture and I didn't know I was supposed to bring a bible, so the guy shared his iPad bible app with me. So we were in closer proximity. And about half the time I am having thoughts and daydreams and not understanding why. I'm a married woman, I love my H, and I am having intrusive thoughts about another man that i didn't ask for or seek out.

This is just an example of an ad hoc situation that will happen in life where I have to interact or be near. Someone I feel attracted to. I feel a but pathetic, but also concerned that one day I will be in a situation that I just have to deal with and the other person will make advances. I think I would run a mile if that happened, but if you're attracted to someone and you can't control your thoughts, how do you know what you would do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

QS:

And the more you try to control / side-step it, the more luscious the idea becomes.

A new crisis of life which you and your husband share might shift your attention and turn off this tap somewhat.

Or you might step into the next level, and after a lot of damage to your marriage and your self, it might get defused somewhat / you might make the side story your main script.

Or a born again kind of religious epiphany – but I am not going there.

Or you might just wait it out / live with it / use it like children use ‘imaginary friends’… …

A lot of women like this combo - a safe spouse PLUS a rough lover on the side – in fantasy and in reality. And my Cassandra sense says you might find it difficult to contain this before some damage is done.

Sorry.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> When does an attraction become unhealthy or even creepy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That bridge has long been crossed, ma'am.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Counseling is recommended for you.
Most people think of sex as something intimate to share with the person you love. A good, productive thing.
You think differently Why? Something to be worked out with a professional. This is not horrible, but undersstanding your thought process is the first step to making your marriage safe.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nobody can really be sure what they would do in any hypothetical situation. We just don't know.

Are you sure you could not just sit down with your dh and say all this? Just really share your heart with him? I bet you would feel relieved. He might even be able to reassure you.

Whenever I have told dh about some attraction to another man (and I always tell him when I feel attracted to someone else -- has a way of diffusing the whole thing), he has smiled or even laughed, and told me I am a silly girl with a big imagination. It is very reassuring. He believes in me.

Try to have some confidence in yourself, QS. Everyone feels attracted to someone else at some point in their married life. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. But talking it out with your spouse can really relieve the guilt, ime.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If, while you're trying to be intimate with your spouse, you're thinking about other people, I'd say that's a problem. The cuffs are an ok touch, but for him to convincingly be a police officer, when you're home in bed, he should be at work. If you want the full effect, he can withdraw half the money in the joint account and hide it. You'll be poor, your husband will be at work, maybe getting himself killed, and you'll know you've married yourself a cop.


Good point. OP's been watching too much Telly.

Probably 'sheriff longmire'. 

She should watch Cops instead. Such glamour!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

QuietSoul said:


> When does a fetish become a problem for your marriage?


At the point where it starts to interfere with it.

Sexual fixations on objects and situations are actually not fetishes until they get to that point. Not in the clinical sense anyway.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jld said:


> Are you sure you could not just sit down with your dh and say all this? Just really share your heart with him? I bet you would feel relieved. He might even be able to reassure you.


I would be very careful about doing this. There's a difference between telling your husband that you find yourself attracted to Ted from work and you'd like some help in working through that before you do anything stupid, and telling your husband that you want to shag every Asian (or whatever ethnicity does it for you) guy you see because that's your "type" while your husband is not. Telling your spouse that you feel you can't control yourself around an entire segment of the population is not the sort of thing that builds openness and trust. Even a really secure partner is eventually going to have a problem with knowing there's just no way they can compete with what _really_ turns you on. Anyone can rent a costume and play Patrolman Naughty for you, but your husband isn't ever going to be the ethnicity that you're really attracted to.

I guess I'm wondering why you didn't choose to marry someone from your preferred ethnicity? 

I'm also wondering if you've sought any professional help for what are clearly obsessive thoughts? That might be your best first step. Talk to a therapist. The thoughts themselves are perhaps not really the problem. The obsessive nature of them, however, certainly appears to be causing you some difficulties.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> If, while you're trying to be intimate with your spouse, you're thinking about other people, I'd say that's a problem. The cuffs are an ok touch, but for him to convincingly be a police officer, when you're home in bed, he should be at work. If you want the full effect, he can withdraw half the money in the joint account and hide it. You'll be poor, your husband will be at work, maybe getting himself killed, and you'll know you've married yourself a cop.


Well guess I couldn't say it much better than this. Stick to the fantasy stuff is fine. The reality of being married to one of us isn't so glamourous. Takes a very tough and emotionally mature woman to handle this lifestyle .

And while I love what I do and couldn't do anything else I would never want either of my daughters to become cops or hose draggers and not marry either as well


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

QuietSoul said:


> When does an attraction become unhealthy or even creepy


Your question says "when it becomes a problem in my marriage". So to answer that I would say under these circumstances:

1) When it involves other people that are not agreed upon.

2) When you ask the other person and they say they are not comfortable with that but you do it anyway.


Your question is about me personally. So I will give my perspective on this, others may have a different view.

For me no other people may be involved sexually in my marriage ever. I love my wife but if she told me she had a fetish for other people that involved a 3rd person I would say no. The state I live in considers this adultery and grounds for divorce. 

If my wife asked me to dress as a police officer to fulfill a fantasy I would for her. If she asked me to switch careers so I would be a real police officer, sworn with a badge, I would say no. I make way too much and enjoy being in the IT field to do that. 

If she came to me and told me that in order for her to be sexually fulfilled I had to be a sworn officer I would consider that a problem in my marriage. I could pretend hand-cuff her, cavity search, etc, but my sexual life doesn't dictate what I do in my career.

That said, I would go to some pretty extreme measures to fulfill any fantasies my wife may have (if she had any). What I do in my career is off the table, and so is other people. Anything short of that I would try to do what I could to make her feel loved in that area.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

to be blunt, it sounds like you kinda "settled" for your husband. He had some qualities you loved but other men turn you on more. Does he realize this? Does he accept it? I would not and would want to correct the situation through divorce.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What it sounds like you are doing is fantasizing about specific men and acts that are not your husband and _you know he cannot fulfill_. You feel that this "attraction" is something within you that is yearning to be fulfilled...but actually, it is YOU expending the energy on these fantasies that is fueling them.

When we want something sexual but refuse to allow our spouse to fulfill that specific special sexual desire, it usually means we just aren't that into our spouse (or we are holding resentment against them, but that can cause not-into-you-ness, too). So instead of facing this reality, you delve into the fantasy (that you know your spouse cannot fulfill) to escape your uneasiness about not being into your spouse.

You then tell yourself that you "can't help this" and these feelings just come upon you without you doing anything to bring them on.

But deep inside, your mind is finding you a new sexual partner, because you aren't into the one you're with. And subconsciously that new partner is bubbling up into your mind as a fantasy. But then you consciously grab it, think about it, and let it cloud all of your other thoughts.

Meanwhile, again, if you simply faced that you aren't that sexually into your husband, you would be being much more honest with yourself than talking to yourself about how in the world you will get this sexual desire fulfilled.

So...if your hubby will never live up to the fantasy you have, you need to realize that YOU placed that huge barrier up because you KNOW he cannot climb over it. You have flunked him, essentially. And you want to think it isn't his fault or your fault, it just is what it is. But actually, you are doing it yourself.

I have desires and fantasies about many types of people who aren't like my H, but I am so hot for HIM specifically, that all those other desires and fantasies are definitely nothing I can't live without....OR I can happily ask him to pretend to the best of his ability to slip into some other kind of persona and be good with that. In other words, having the fantasies and desires about these other types of men isn't itself a problem. It is the fact that you just "know" your H can't be _that_, and you prefer _that_ over him.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I didn't settle. I was and am attracted to my H. I don't find men of other races unattractive, even though one in particular stands out to me. When I was single, i didn't seek that out specifically either.

Divorce? No way. I am here because I care about my marriage and I want to find out how others have learned to manage similar things in their own marriage. 

I am wondering if I have OCD. because it can cause intrusive and unwanted thoughts...

I am open to telling him, I just don't want to do it of it would be destructive....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

FaithfulWife, I believe you mean well but please spare your judgment and psycjoanalytical assumptions. It was really difficult and vulnerable for me to post this at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

QuietSoul some of our members here hinge their entire legacy and emotional livelihood on their perceived value in this forum. Bear that in mind as you encounter them.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, there is likely a psychological issue if you have a fantasy of a man that your husband cannot possibly be. Your mind is telling you something. How to deal with it is to work with a therapist to find out what your mind is subconsciously trying to tell you. 

I'll just make something up. Maybe you have a fear of being attacked and don't think your husband can protect you. So your subconscious tells you to be attracted to police officers. So, once this gets out in the open, the counselor works with how to address this fear of being attacked in a different way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No worries, QS....I went off on a tangent there a bit! Sorry about that.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
Your question regarding OCD is a valid one. consulting medical counseling pros might a good idea. I have a degree of OCD myself. Both medication and/or IC might be beneficial.


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