# so how many are SWOB's?



## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I've coined a new term for folks like myself, who are in sexless marriages because the other spouse voluntarily denies sex - Spouses WithOut Benefits...

You have Friends with Benefits on the one extreme, and Spouses WithOut Benefits on the other extreme. I never thought I'd end up like this in my marriage, but life happens and you have to deal with it.

Sometimes I think that I was king of the world, I would put a rule in place that after 6 months of no sex in a marriage, the marriage is on "probation". If after 1 year of no sex in a marriage, then the marriage will dissolve into a legal friendship, roommate status. 

Too bad that will never happen, but one can dream...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I was in a sexless marriage. Analyzed it, ruminated over it, pondered it, spent hours trying to figure it out. Even wrote some theories about it. 

Finally gave up. Still don't understand it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

long_done said:


> ... If after 1 year of no sex in a marriage, then the marriage will dissolve into a legal friendship, roommate status.
> 
> Too bad that will never happen, but one can dream...


After 6 months, tell him/her s/he's on probation, and at the year mark file for divorce. It's really no different, because you'd still have to notify some authority to result in a legal status change.

I was a SWOB - I divorced her (eventually - it should have been much sooner!).


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> After 6 months, tell him/her s/he's on probation, and at the year mark file for divorce. It's really no different, because you'd still have to notify some authority to result in a legal status change.
> 
> I was a SWOB - I divorced her (eventually - it should have been much sooner!).


Agree but not many people have the backbone to do this so easily.

So by making it the default state to change to probation, and then divorce, might make it easier for those who are so afraid to file. Of course this is not realistic and will never happen.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I was in a sexless marriage. Analyzed it, ruminated over it, pondered it, spent hours trying to figure it out. Even wrote some theories about it.
> 
> Finally gave up. Still don't understand it.


I feel like I have gotten 3 PhD's about sexless marriages with all of the countless hours of research I have done about this...and I still don't get it.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I would definitely fall under the title of SWOB. It has been 8 months since the last time and we have yet to even mention the word, "sex" in the meantime. I could see this streak going for a while longer. 

I like the idea of it dissolving into a legal friendship. That is pretty much what it has becomes anyways so why not have it reflect reality.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well, I wasn't exactly SWOB! I mean, sex was so very seldom and rare toward the start of my rich, skanky XW's and my "trial separation," but nonetheless, it did happen! 

But then, after the investigations began during this separation period, I sadly learned that she was literally "rocking the world" of her OM when she visited them in their locales ~ and then came back home and immediately rocked mine, making me feel so very special and questioning of any separation verbage on her part.

While in reality, all that I was getting was the gangbang equivalent of "sloppy seconds!" Or perhaps thirds!

And almost every time that I seem to revisit that thought process, it just makes me want to go thouroughly scrub down with Lysol!*


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

long_done said:


> I feel like I have gotten 3 PhD's about sexless marriages with all of the countless hours of research I have done about this...and I still don't get it.


Me too. I've been on this since 2007, studied almost every day.

Now we need to study and live the lives of being sexually fulfilled where we can actually feel entitled to it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

long_done said:


> I feel like I have gotten 3 PhD's about sexless marriages with all of the countless hours of research I have done about this...and I still don't get it.


Me either. Which is why I changed my field of study to FWB and MWB (Married with Benefits). I find it far more rewarding and intend to devote my life to studying these. Now, I get "it"!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Im a SWOB. Havent had sex in almost a year! I can not imagine living another year like this... Ive pondered it, h and I have talked it dead, tried to change my self and turn off my desire, tried to figure out why. Still no answers and I just dont care anymore. Ill be happy just to be single again and I will be soon. I refuse to continue to live this way and I dont believe going out side of my marriage is the correct thing to do, so im leaving


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

At least I can say that my spouse is not giving anybody else benefits. There are no benefits to be had. Her interest in sex is about the same as her interest in soccer scores from south africa, nonexistent. No romance novels, no toys, no chick flicks.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> ........ is about the same as her interest in soccer scores from south africa.


I think the World Cup is happening in Brazil this year..

(Off Topic I know , apologies OP! )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've been a SWOB for several years, although we're experiencing an uptick. I'm probably one of the few people where "the talk" might have actually done some good. Things are better, not great. What makes me hopeful is that my wife is actually receptive to talking about it and does give me indications that she's willing to work on it. In return, i'm trying to make myself someone that is easier for her to be attracted to.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

soulseer said:


> I think the World Cup is happening in Brazil this year..
> 
> (Off Topic I know , apologies OP! )
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


exactly, my point. She could not be less interested in it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> At least I can say that my spouse is not giving anybody else benefits. There are no benefits to be had. Her interest in sex is about the same as her interest in soccer scores from south africa, nonexistent. No romance novels, no toys, no chick flicks.


My ex was too. She was terrified of sex. Every time I would bring it up, she would start sobbing. She was abused to be sure.
But I never pressured her into anything.

I always had the feeling though that their was a libido in there somewhere. But that was a nut I never figured out how to crack.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Sexless nearly 2 years here. But if you were to set up an ultimatum or a deadline of sorts saying "we need to have sex by ____ or I'm done" would it really be that great if they somehow obliged? Would seem forced and awkward. Unless it was maybe in the beginning stages of sexlessess, but after multiple years? Turns into a chore you just gave them. A do or die. I don't know, maybe that's just me. Would be a bit of a turn off. Though hoping they'll miraculously come onto you on their own is probably never going to be fulfilled I suppose. But the alternative doesn't seem so great either.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Adeline said:


> Sexless nearly 2 years here. But if you were to set up an ultimatum or a deadline of sorts saying "we need to have sex by ____ or I'm done" would it really be that great if they somehow obliged? Would seem forced and awkward. Unless it was maybe in the beginning stages of sexlessess, but after multiple years? Turns into a chore you just gave them. A do or die. I don't know, maybe that's just me. Would be a bit of a turn off. Though hoping they'll miraculously come onto you on their own is probably never going to be fulfilled I suppose. But the alternative doesn't seem so great either.


One part of me believes that a 'mercy' f**k might ignite some regularity - practice makes perfect. But it could have the opposite affect I suppose.

The thing is you only have one life. 

My ex WS and I had a few days of hysterical bonding after I discovered her affair and then a handful of times and then nothing. Within a few weeks this was followed by a myriad of reasons why she couldn't do it with me.

I made a lot of mistakes - pushing for it, dropping hints, getting pi**ed off about the drought. All the while dealing with the fallout of her cheating. Then I disengaged.

The end result was that there was nothing. The excuses came and then they were replaced by the simple line "I don't want to do it". The façade of credible excuses was gone.

I got into counselling and learned about me (after I had completed my degree in infidelity). I learned to put aside the blocks that have prevented me from moving on.

I just had to finally wake up to the fact that we were not in love with each other anymore. I don't have to live that way. I don't have to put up with her drinking and this born again virgin BS.

I feel guilt about moving on from her but I'm strong now. What's the alternative? Sitting in an armchair in 10 years time wishing I had split? Not me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Me either. Which is why I changed my field of study to FWB and MWB (Married with Benefits). I find it far more rewarding and intend to devote my life to studying these. Now, I get "it"!


Married

What do you think you've done or are doing in your current relationship that will prevent it from becoming sexless? I don't mean what your wife is doing. How long have you been married? 

Are there things you realized that could have been handled differently in your first marriage that you are managing better now?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I was in one for 6 years. No way could I have spent the rest of my life like that.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> I was in one for 6 years. No way could I have spent the rest of my life like that.


What if your husband had medical problems that prevented him from performing? Didn't you take the "in sickness and in health vow like I did? You would just leave? I took that pledge and I'm not leaving.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

long_done said:


> Agree but not many people have the backbone to do this so easily.
> 
> So by making it the default state to change to probation, and then divorce, might make it easier for those who are so afraid to file. Of course this is not realistic and will never happen.


It's not supposed to be easy to just break up a marriage...

On the other hand if you don't have the backbone to make changes in your life then you are choosing what you have currently.

I was in a sexless marriage so I know how you feel and what you are going through. You will never figure it out because you are matched with someone who doesn't see life the same way that you do. 

Stop trying to fix it and stop trying to figure it out. Just file, already...


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

It makes you wonder - if I were to suddenly one day decide - work is not satisfying, I'll just stop going because it's not important I me to improve things and have the luxuries of a normal human - how well would that go over ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

KendalMintcake said:


> It makes you wonder - if I were to suddenly one day decide - work is not satisfying, I'll just stop going because it's not important I me to improve things and have the luxuries of a normal human - how well would that go over ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wrong analogy. Better analogy is you go to work every day, but work decided to stop paying you. Are you still compelled to go every day?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I have a good friend who is a VP with a major corporation, and he is responsible for all of the contracts his company has with suppliers. He has a very interesting take on the whole marriage contract that I think has a lot of merit.

He says that marriages ought to be legal contracts that run for a period of 3 years. At the end of that time, the contract must be renewed (i.e. signed and agreed to by both parties) in order to continue the marriage. If the contract is not renewed, there is a provision for both parties to begin an "orderly dissolution" of the contract that is already spelled out in the terms (splitting of assets, custody agreements, etc.). Any differences of opinion that occur can be resolved through mediation.

That way, if one party is not happy in the marriage, at the time of renewal, that party can "opt out" of the marriage by simply not signing and thus not renewing the contract.

If a couple wants to have a religious ceremony in which they vow to be faithful for life, that's fine. But legally, it is a contract with provisions to either renew or opt out every 3 years. 

I think this idea has an awful lot of merit, but it will probably never happen because most people couldn't accept the "business-like" nature of such an agreement, and the lobby that represents divorce attorneys would never let it happen.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

long_done said:


> I've coined a new term for folks like myself, who are in sexless marriages because the other spouse voluntarily denies sex - Spouses WithOut Benefits...
> 
> You have Friends with Benefits on the one extreme, and Spouses WithOut Benefits on the other extreme. I never thought I'd end up like this in my marriage, but life *happens and you have to deal with it.*
> 
> ...


 Something's do happen to us in life we have no choice but to roll with. However what you are dealing with here, as well as other sexless marriages, is choice. Once spouse CHOOSEs to stop have sex and the other spouse either CHOOSEs to accept that or move on. So yes you have to deal with it, stay and accept or go....which will you choose to do? In your analogy about you being king of the world you are of your own life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As with corporate agreements tho, the little guys always get hosed. 

Take various corporate mergers. A number of them flop and of course the execs come out golden and the workers... Well...

Same thing here. It's not an agreement between a company and a contract manufacturer to build iPods or iToasterOvens. There's a lot more to it than that.

A marriage is much closer to a Japanese keiretsu system... And those are adhered to unless very drastic things happen...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> What if your husband had medical problems that prevented him from performing? Didn't you take the "in sickness and in health vow like I did? You would just leave? I took that pledge and I'm not leaving.


There's a significant difference between unable to perform and unwilling to perform.

unable - that's an obstacle to overcome.

unwilling - that's a breach of your marital vows and grounds for divorce.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Married
> 
> What do you think you've done or are doing in your current relationship that will prevent it from becoming sexless? I don't mean what your wife is doing. How long have you been married?
> 
> Are there things you realized that could have been handled differently in your first marriage that you are managing better now?


We've been together for 14 years now, and we're in our 50s. Both of us have always been HD, and we have always been extremely compatible sexually. That alone probably wouldn't be sufficient to maintain things. We are about as ideal a match for each other as we can imagine, we have excellent communication, and we truly care and strive to ensure each other's happiness and well-being.

If we were going to have issues, they would have arisen in the past few years when she experienced hormone imbalances that greatly diminished her drive. However, she knew that sex mattered to her and would continue to matter to me, so she aggressively sought out and worked with a hormone specialist to resolve the issues, and has largely done so. We still have sex 6 t0 10 times a week. I'm not concerned that this relationship will become sexless.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Haven't had sex in over a year, and only three times in 3 1/2 years. Like Tyler, DW doesn't think about sex except to comment on how it's a chore, she's too tired,etc. 

Reason I don't leave is that we have two little kids, and I want to make sure I'm around to provide my influence and to make sure wife is in line - she's very immature, and I need to be there to be the mature influence in their life.

She is immature, insecure, overweight, and asexual. Other then that, she's the perfect wife.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

After reading here for years I would never define my relationship as sexless. But as the years go by there is a continuing pressure from my wife to lower the frequency. Yes in large part her desire has dropped off. As little as a year ago we were pretty regularly 2 x per week. Stress and change of work schedule plus my deteriorating health have made this a bad year. Today marked 12 consecutive days without. 
I have been heartened quite a bit by reading this thread. Thanks to all who contributed. Wolf1974 especially for defining the situation as a choice. Today I decided to accept it. I'm not interested in starting over. 
I guess we will see where it goes from here. I am not without some trepidation. I am fully aware that relationship with sex and no marriage will outlast a relationship with marriage and no sex.
MN


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Just do it. Daily. Then the SWOB concept can get lost


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> She is immature, insecure, overweight, and asexual. Other then that, she's the perfect wife.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I am fully aware that relationship with sex and no marriage will outlast a relationship with marriage and no sex.
> MN


Interesting...

From my own experience and observation, I've seen more relationships with NO marriage _*and*_ NO sex outlast _every other relationship_. 

Maybe if the focus was taken off of the sexual aspect, and placed more on the _true_ friendship aspect, more marriages would last.

Just a thought...

Vega


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Single White Ogre B^itches?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Vega said:


> Interesting...
> 
> From my own experience and observation, I've seen more relationships with NO marriage _*and*_ NO sex outlast _every other relationship_.
> 
> ...


....and sex could be on the menu down the line - maybe?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> After 6 months, tell him/her s/he's on probation, and at the year mark file for divorce.


This is pretty much what I did. After years of talking about the lack of sex being an issue I told him that if things didn't change by such and such time I was leaving. Nothing changed so one week before the 12 month mark I separated from him. He was shocked and devastated, made all the same promises, but that was it for me. One year without (and only a couple of times per year for previous years) for a HD is such a long time. I married him thinking it was forever but I never signed up for that. Our child was one year old at the time. 

From what I read here, men will stay unhappy in sexless marriages for the sake of the children, whereas I walked away knowing that I didn't want my child growing up learning that's what a marriage should be. I deserved to be happy, I deserved to experience wonderful, amazing sex again, life is too short to waste it being unhappy and full of regret.

I've not regretted leaving once. I still have sadness that it didn't work out because I still love my xhb a lot (as a person), but I am in a wonderful relationship now that is everything I had dreamed about when I was so lonely in my marriage.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Anomnom said:


> This is pretty much what I did. After years of talking about the lack of sex being an issue I told him that if things didn't change by such and such time I was leaving. Nothing changed so one week before the 12 month mark I separated from him. He was shocked and devastated, made all the same promises, but that was it for me. One year without (and only a couple of times per year for previous years) for a HD is such a long time. I married him thinking it was forever but I never signed up for that. Our child was one year old at the time.
> 
> From what I read here, men will stay unhappy in sexless marriages for the sake of the children, whereas I walked away knowing that I didn't want my child growing up learning that's what a marriage should be. I deserved to be happy, I deserved to experience wonderful, amazing sex again, life is too short to waste it being unhappy and full of regret.
> 
> I've not regretted leaving once. I still have sadness that it didn't work out because I still love my xhb a lot (as a person), but I am in a wonderful relationship now that is everything I had dreamed about when I was so lonely in my marriage.


I can attest to what you're saying anom. I am trying to resolve what has been a sexless (amongst other issues) marriage. I always find it interesting when people on here point out that maybe we should downgrade or remove the importance of sex to a relationship. 

Different strokes for different folks. I love my friends and my family, but I wouldnt move in with them. There is an emotional connection that thrives off of a consistent (not one night stand) sexual relationship with someone. I feel like it tightens the bond. WIthout this, I'm simply living with someone who is helping raise my child. Essentially a coworker that I get along with. 

Not what I signed up for.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Anomnom said:


> This is pretty much what I did. After years of talking about the lack of sex being an issue I told him that if things didn't change by such and such time I was leaving. Nothing changed so one week before the 12 month mark I separated from him. He was shocked and devastated, made all the same promises, but that was it for me. One year without (and only a couple of times per year for previous years) for a HD is such a long time. I married him thinking it was forever but I never signed up for that. Our child was one year old at the time.
> 
> From what I read here, men will stay unhappy in sexless marriages for the sake of the children, whereas I walked away knowing that I didn't want my child growing up learning that's what a marriage should be. I deserved to be happy, I deserved to experience wonderful, amazing sex again, life is too short to waste it being unhappy and full of regret.
> 
> I've not regretted leaving once. I still have sadness that it didn't work out because I still love my xhb a lot (as a person), but I am in a wonderful relationship now that is everything I had dreamed about when I was so lonely in my marriage.



I did the year thing, august will be a year and absolutely nothing has changed, the only thing that haschanged, is we now fight all the time. I didnt tell him he had a year to help me fix things, hes known exactly what he needed to do for the last 5 years and hasnt done a thing.. He assumes im not going anywhere, hes wrong. I would rather be alone, then be in a marriage where I am truly alone.. Enough is enough!


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