# Recently separated and feel so confused



## ealric

I'm new here, and have been separated from my wife for a couple of months now.

I am still sort of stunned and confused as to how we got here. My wife and I have rarely ever had "constructive arguments" as I call it. I would get grow annoyed by things she did around the house that I repeatedly asked her not to do -- things like leaving clothes in doorways, leaving couch pillows in front of sliding door, food in the sink -- most of the stuff was just so we could be better organized and/or avoid mistakes that cause me to have to fix things or call a professional to fix. When we would get into an argument, she would eventually resort to, "that's it -- I'm done, I can't do this anymore -- I'm done!" And this is arguments that start off with a semi-clogged drain. She's been threatening to leave like this for 10+ years, and now she's finally done it. In between, she'd be happy and comment on how much she loves our little family. It's all so confusing. I also cannot get her to engage with me to try to work things out. She keeps saying that she just wants to move on and make this as smooth as possible for our child (10 years old). We have never really had a good talk about our relationship, and much of that is my fault as well. Years ago, I refused to go to marriage counseling b/c I just didn't think we'd need that for household chore issues. Now, I immediately agreed to counseling, but she quit after our second session (she blew off two in between). I just don't know what to do. I know that if we worked on our relationship, it would really help. I have faith in that. I know we're better together than she thinks we are right now.

I feel that as a father, I absolutely HAVE to try to work things out with her. I just don't want our child to grow up in a broken home when we really could try to fix things. There is no infidelity that I know of, we have never been physical with each other (although she did throw a wine bottle at me once a long time ago during an argument), and the arguments are usually "living together frustrations" that boil up from time to time. There's more, including things that I did wrong and difficulties I've had over the years, but this is already a long post.

I suppose I just want to know if anyone else out there has experience anything similar. Or, even just opinions on my situation. I could always add more info, if people want. As I said to her recently, she went from being pretty much my best friend and confidant to a frenemy in what feels like a matter of weeks...


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## Marc878

Check your phone bill.


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## frusdil

It's not about the house chores, the problems in your marriage. It's the way you're constantly on her back (that's what I hear from your post) about trivial things. I'm sure there's things you do that annoy your wife too, but she doesn't micro manage you and be on your back constantly, picking at you.

My husband gets annoyed when I leave my shoes on the lounge floor. He annoys me when he takes his cups from the coffee table and puts them on the sink instead of the dishwasher. He hates it when I leave food scraps in the sink, but that's how I cook - I prep, cook and clean up at the end. It's not like he has to clean it up or it sits there for days. On the rare occasions that he cooks, that doesn't happen, he cleans as he goes. Cool, but let me do my work my way.

You need to let some things go OP. How much fun are you to live with?

Not sure there's any salvaging things though, because 99% of the time, when a woman says she's done, she's done.


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## ealric

frusdil said:


> It's not about the house chores, the problems in your marriage. It's the way you're constantly on her back (that's what I hear from your post) about trivial things. I'm sure there's things you do that annoy your wife too, but she doesn't micro manage you and be on your back constantly, picking at you.
> 
> My husband gets annoyed when I leave my shoes on the lounge floor. He annoys me when he takes his cups from the coffee table and puts them on the sink instead of the dishwasher. He hates it when I leave food scraps in the sink, but that's how I cook - I prep, cook and clean up at the end. It's not like he has to clean it up or it sits there for days. On the rare occasions that he cooks, that doesn't happen, he cleans as he goes. Cool, but let me do my work my way.
> 
> You need to let some things go OP. How much fun are you to live with?
> 
> Not sure there's any salvaging things though, because 99% of the time, when a woman says she's done, she's done.


I think you're right. And I truly appreciate the input.


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## Evinrude58

Suddenly you’re enemies and you’re separated. You’ve already been told. Check the phone bill.
Check
The
Phone
Bill

please. And lastly, please don’t ask yuur wife if she’s cheating. They always say no, they always lie. Just go into full detective mode for your own peace of mind. See an attorney before she gets her ducks in a row and takes your kids and home away.


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## Jamieboy

If you have been fighting in the same way for years, it's unlikely it added up to one fight too many, something has changed recently to give her the confidence to leave you. 

How has your sex life been up until this point, sex is the best indicator of a marriages health. If you were having sex up until 6 months ago, likely she has met someone else.

The truth is, she has left you, when a woman does this, 99% its game over, the reason is somewhat immaterial. The best thing you can do is accept to hard truth and focus on yourself and your child. 

Best case scenario, she sees that you are doing just fine without her and wants back in. If not, at least you'll be working towards setting yourself up for a new chapter in your life. 

DO, NOT, BEG, it will do nothing but damage your fragile chances. Get your legal ducks in a row, and if it turns out she has left you for someone else, you will have the moral high ground. 

Im sorry my friend, it's a sh1tty situation


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## Beach123

You’ve been on her back and criticizing her for years. She’s tired of your crap.
She asked you to go to therapy and you said no.
She is ready to leave so you suddenly say yes to counseling.
Ya, I’d be done too - you don’t intend to change - you just intend for her to stay and have to put up with more abuse by making her feel terrible.

It’s way past time… way too late for you to make effort. You should have made effort to change ten years ago. Too little too late.

Find a way to be happy as a single dad. Be a better person to your child. Don’t ever criticize or yell at the child. Explain things in a calm voice. Set expectations and know you’ll always be disappointed - but that’s reality.


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## NotSureAnyMore1

I just experienced something similar. And our relationship is about to end soon. It is extremely hard to live your marriage live with a partner refuses to fix himself/herself if he/she continue to do many things wrong causing bigger problems to occur. In the end, it is not going to end well and if it did not, you will end up paying very high price, adding your kid to the equation. It is very annoying for you too to see repeated mistakes by your partner that continue to occur and cost you more because of a careless partner. Other may think this is ok, but it is not because it is too costly (I do not mean the money cost only here). There is nothing wrong with you asking her to care more, yes it is annoying but it is wrong also to accept because that more likely to cost you a lot. Also, it is not normal from a partner to give up the whole marriage, destroy the family, and move on over a smaller problem or argument even if continued to be our almost everyday argument. The question her is that, what did the other partner do to improve himself/herself or fix the issue? When a partner says "that is it" and "I am moving on" in a situation like the one you described, that means the partner refuses to change and improve. And this is not acceptable in many cases because we are talking about a marriage (very long relationship). 

I am married for 11 years and still married. Because I wanted this marriage to work out and refused to to have my kids to live between a broken marriage, I gave up many things and accepted to do most of the house's responsibilities (cleaning the rooms and bathrooms, washing cloth and drying them, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, and organizing the apartment) and carried all my kids responsibilities fully including schooling. Regarding the marriage responsibilities, I reached to a point at early stage where I stopped caring about them. You can imagine my situation as a father and husband that has a full time job and some graduate studies. And when I am a way from home working to provide and pay her school tuitions too, problems occurs because of her neglecting. Many times the child protective services and police were involved as results of her very poor care. She never admits her mistakes and never appreciates what I do. I do not think my offers to help with these responsibilities were the main reason behind her dependence on. I think she grows up in a house where she does not do any kind of help in her parents' house. So, she continued to live with me refusing to help or care even about keeping the appliances in the apartment we were renting in a good condition. With all of that I did not give up our marriage and continue to fix the problems and carry more and more responsibilities because of my love to her and my kids, until she betrayed me. After her betrayal, I gave up this marriage, worked on saving my kids and move on with my kids only. 

Kids deserve to live in a healthy environment. So, many time, if one partner continues to be the main reason or the starting points for must of the marriage problems, then the second partner should act to fix, accept and carry on, or stop and move on with a plan that guarantees a better future for the kids.


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## MarmiteC

The way you write the story, I'm sorry to say but it seems like your wife finally had enough of the critisizing and bickering with no resolution. I read that she asked for marriage counselling years ago and you refused.

You say there's more, including things you did wrong, but haven't elaborated as to what that is. You say she went to counselling with you when YOU asked, but quite after session 2. I don't know how those went, but perhaps she still didn't see that those discussions were moving you forward. However it doesn't surprise me that she has fallen out of love with you and is ready for a new life and unfortunately you have to respect that.

I disagree with others who say if you have been fighting that way for years it's unlikely that one argument is too much. It's likely she's just finally decided different for her future.


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## Al_Bundy

This has been going on for over 10yrs, the kid is 10............is this something you knew from the start but tried to force it to work because you knocked her up?


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## DownByTheRiver

You put yourself into a parental role with her bossing her around like a child. Now I'm not saying she was blameless but I don't know the situation. I know that you have to make priorities when raising a family because it's a lot of work. What you needed to do is hire a maid if you two couldn't get the household chores done together or agree on what was important. If you had you might still have a marriage. 

Once you put yourself in a parental roll over someone the romance is gone and her feelings are gone for you because no one wants to have sexy time with their dad.


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## Noman

ealric said:


> There's more, including things that I did wrong and difficulties I've had over the years, but this is already a long post.


This sounds like a cop out.


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