# Im the WS, When do I give up on Reconciliation?



## learning to love myself

I cheated and we are going on 3 years of reconciliation. 
I know its hard work and I do everything that is asked of me and then some.
I love my husband, Im just worn out of being poked at.

Our marriage wasn’t in a good place when I cheated we were is a sexless marriage and I had a ONS.
No excuses, I did a horrid thing.
He said he forgives me but I feel like he uses me to be his verbal punching bag.

I want to work on us but how can I, if everything I do is wrong? It doesn’t matter what it is.
If he doesn’t like how Im folding the laundry he turns the conversation into me being a cheating *****.

When he is done being angry with me a couple of days later he tells me I should call him on his behavior.
There is no way I would be able to call him on it, he becomes volatile when mad and Im not about to poke the bear.

He will call me at work and yell at me and I have to sit there and be yelled at as I have desks all around me.
I told him that maybe he needs to get away from me as I truly make him unhappy and I get the, “Why do you say that speech”?

When is it past working on, I have been warned at work that Im crying to much, I have nothing left to give to him and I know he is just unhappy.


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## PBear

What are you two doing to "work on things". Counselling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself

He wont do counseling, I have tried for years.


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## LongWalk

If your husband is emotionally abusive, you may need to divorce.


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## Bluebirdie

How many years have you been married?


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## learning to love myself

Longwalk: He has always been harsh with the way he speaks, I have told him for many years now that its his approach. He gets angry if I point it out and says that,"He guesses he cant talk to me". He feels he should not have to sugar coat the way he feels.

I have never asked that he change who he is, just think before he engages in conversation, He rubs most people the wrong way, unless they have VERY thick skin.

Bluebird - We have been married for 24 years.


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## Bluebirdie

Hi, you dont have PM available. But go to my profile/threads and read my case. I understand you, been there for 20 years.


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## soccermom2three

Is it his tone of voice or the things he says?

A girlfriend of mine finally had to record her husband to prove to him that his tone of voice was disrespectful. He always denied that he sounded mean, snotty and sarcastic. When he heard the recording, it really hit home and he started to work on how her spoke to her.


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## PBear

You say your relationship was in a bad place before your affair. What do you mean by that?

My take... Your relationship was junk before the affair. Your husband likely wasn't willing to do any work to fix things then. Then you had the affair. Now he's simply got another target to hit on. He's still not willing to do anything to fix the problems in your relationship. 

So... What are you hoping for? I'm going to say that if nothing changes, then nothing will change. That means "forcing" him to counseling. Or being willing to leave the marriage, if he doesn't put the effort in to turn things around. Yes, you messed up by having a ONS. That doesn't give him the right to treat you poorly 3 years later. You get a choice in how you'll be treated. Make use of that choice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself

soccermom2three said:


> Is it his tone of voice or the things he says?
> 
> A girlfriend of mine finally had to record her husband to prove to him that his tone of voice was disrespectful. He always denied that he sounded mean, snotty and sarcastic. When he heard the recording, it really hit home and he started to work on how her spoke to her.


Its both, I have recorded him and that just pissed him off more.

He goes from 1-10 in about 2 seconds. He finds fault in everything i.e. the news every morning sets him off for a good 20 minutes and will eventually be turned onto me and something I did wrong, like the way I loaded the dishwasher. 

I think he is so unhappy within his own life that he lashes out, I try not to point it out anymore because its a vicious cycle, where he then feels guilty for being an A-hole, becomes more depressed and lashes out more.


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## learning to love myself

Bluebirdie said:


> Hi, you dont have PM available. But go to my profile/threads and read my case. I understand you, been there for 20 years.


Bluebirdie, after reading your posts I just cant stop tearing up. 

There is similarities, I can almost see us going the same direction as our boys 19 & 22 are almost out of the house. 

My cheating was so very wrong and I know it made a cracked marriage broken. I too held a lot of resentment for things my husband did the first 10+ years of our marriage and I tried to except and move past and never bring them up.

Now I'm reminded of my constant betrayal, I have changed every aspect of my life to accommodate his feeling but its never enough. I don't dare bring up the bad stuff he did as that will set him off even though I know that all of these things lead us to the place we are today.


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## learning to love myself

PBear , My husband had decided that he wasn't interested in sex with me anymore, he just told me that people can be married and love each other and that I put to much focus on sex.

I spent many years feeling rejected, I would do things to peak his interest with clothing, nude photos, talk dirty etc. just to be smiled at and rejected. this was not anything medical, he just preferred porn and his hand along with a few other fetishes that I accepted in order to get attention from him.

Your very right, I almost think I gave him leverage to keep being a jerk to me. 

I wont say he isn't trying to be a better man, I see him making an effort. We do have daily sex now, I just believe in his mind its because he doesn't want me to cheat, not because he wants me.

I think he just isn't the person he is trying to be, and for a few days he will be friendly and I see a huge effort, he than will wake up for a week strait and be down right mean feel guilty for being a jerk blame me for his feeling guilty and it becomes a cycle that there is no way to break. 

I truly believe he is miserable in his life, the more I try to help the more he acts like I'm trying to emasculating him .


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## Bluebirdie

Think it well. STBXH says he hasnt forget me for what I did to him 20 years ago and that he closed his heart and built a wall. 

He treated me like crap calling me a *****, etc for years, then stopped, but kept the anger inside and I guess he tried to work on it but finally seems that MC and IC didnt work. We separated I can remember 4 times due to the same problem, but never this long. After 1 year past January he asked for the divorce, said the glass was broken. 

I went through a process trying to be the perfect wife and mom for my affair. But nothing was enough. Only thing left is I feel I forgive him for what he even did last year (going to prostitutes). 

He is very proud so maybe seeing me "living my life" without falling into another relation until today instead of showing him that I am not into that attempt anymore makes him feel weak and sometimes I feel he is upset with me even though we only talk about kids. And sends me money for no reason to clean his guilt maybe. He also had a traumatized childhood he is not willing to confront... so guess I am his "piñata" and when he sees I am trying to move on he "shows" as if he has moved on and is more happy... but I know things at the company are not ok, he is alone and talks to nobody but his mom superficially on Saturdays. 

His family is very supportive, I feel bad sometimes because they keep asking me to go and have lunch, visit, see the nieces, etc... but I am trying also to not keep to much contact since this will finally end and he may bring another woman into his life and dont want to suffer again and be "changed" in his family who I love.

I also recorded him once, he was drunk. When I showed him the audio, he also got pissed off... really! Nothing physical, except when he found out that he really did and let me with bruises and really bad. But that was long ago; I said to myself "I deserve it"... that was me on those days when I got used to keep parking tickets and almost an agenda of what I did everyday so I could have proof if he asked something... I went really nuts during that phase which seems to be the one you are living now.

Take care and think of yourself and the marriage then. What is done can't be undone unfortunately.


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## learning to love myself

Bluebirdie, Our husbands could be brothers, I have made excuses for his behavior our entire life's together.

We are always on the rollercoaster, he is so giving of himself and genuine and in a short instant will be irrational in his thinking. 

I'm protective of him because I see the good in him, however he has alienated all of his friends and family and I'm all he has left, I feel like a heartless Bltch if I leave him. 

I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells, I told him that once in the nicest way I can muster and he was livid with me. He than told me that I should not have to be in a marriage like that and that there is obviously no love if I feel that way.

Its a dam if I do and dam if I don't. I don't have the bandwidth to make his life any easier than I have, but cant ask him to do anything that will add stress as he cant handle those situations.

last time I asked for help with something he ended up in jail due to his volatile behavior (not by me).


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## vellocet

LTLM

Just get a divorce. Too much damage done.


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## Openminded

As long as you continue to feel responsible for him you will be stuck in that dynamic. Not every R works.


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## TBT

To me this isn't R at all. If he said he forgives you and agreed to reconciliation then he should be meeting you on some fair to middling ground or it will never work. Not all marriages are meant to be. Maybe yours is one of them.


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## Bluebirdie

Ok, by my experience... unfortunately to these days, if a man cheats is normal and more acceptable... but if a woman does... wow!... 

I know I am not the kind of woman who goes and has an affair on every opportunity, I consider myself a worth woman to be married to, we both did our mistakes... how come his bunch are different from mine one? No way, sorry. I got tired and asked him to leave after feeling lonely being in a relationship. The loneliness I have felt now has gone from feeling of failure, why's, what if's, etc, to conclude I did the right thing and what I am living is not a "happy dancing" cause I still love him, but I love myself too. 

So you have options, think of yourself. Kids go and they will go on with their lives, when the 2 of you stay at home alone... let me tell you it is hard. Mostly if they get depressed because as my STBXH said "they are gone, there is nothing left"... and I remember feeling a soccer ball in my throat thinking "what about me?"... finally the bomb exploded.

Try theraphy, try everything you can but put deadlines and boundaries. Then decide.


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## Bluebirdie

Openminded said:


> As long as you continue to feel responsible for him you will be stuck in that dynamic. Not every R works.


As I told you we had more than 1,2,3 reconciliations... they didnt work. We are divorcing for the sake of both ourselves.

Perhaps if you separate and work the 180 now you will have a chance. But trust me, you will have to show him you will be ok without his hurts so he can look at you differently, not as my STBXH saw me with pity and took advantage sometimes.


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## bandit.45

OP I commend you for accepting responsibility for your ONS. You made a foolish decision and you are doing your best to make amends.

Your husband has every right to be angry. What he does not have the right to do is abuse you emotionally and verbally. You need to put a stop to it. Tell him to stop or you will be leaving...for good, and you will lawyer up. 

Again, you made a bad decision, but I agree you should not be punished day in and day out by an abusive jerkwad, which is what your husband is.


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## learning to love myself

Thank You Everyone!

I do feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

I'm allowing my husband to behave this way, I hate confrontation and I just keep thinking If I do better, we will do better. 

I know I'm going to have to put my foot down and be prepared for the fallout, like my user name I'm going to have to start loving myself, If I don't respect me, why am I surprised that he doesn't. 

He has promised to look for work in the next few months and I will hold him to that, My lack of holding him to his promises is why I'm here. If he just wont meet me half way, I will have to think about a divorce.

I will have to pay him alimony as he hasn't worked for a long time and sell the house's, being poor and happy I guess is better than being lower middle class and miserable.


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## bandit.45

Just for something you need to take note of.....

Did you know that one very common trait amongst people who end up cheating on their spouses is that the majority of them avoid conflict? They avoid telling their spouses what they are feeling, how they are dissatisfied with their marriages, and even fewer make the decision to walk away before they cheat. 

I think you need to get into counseling to specifically address your inability to stand up for yourself and tell your husband and other people in your life what you feel and think. I think if you can overcome this tendency to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will go a long way towards making sure you never make a bad decision like that one again.


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## arbitrator

*Regarding the fine art of R, the prerequisite number of participants has to be "two!" In the marked absence of that, it will be torturous, of uncertainty, and largely unfruitful.

Given his unwillingness to try, I can only advocate that you set aside a period of time for meditation and heartfelt prayer to our Heavenly Father, and if then the answer is clear, please proceed. If you seek His forgiveness for your actions, they will summarily be forgiven, and in His eyes ~ with no "if's," "and's," or "buts!" 

And while you can seek the forgiveness of your H, if he exercises his option not to forgive you, then there's not a whole lot that you can do to effect that! But in any event, you are forgiven by a loving God. And although your prior actions may have been totally unpleasing in His eyes, He has used those actions, largely combined with your heartfelt remorse, to cleanse and to purify your heart!

To paraphrase Christ in John 8:11: "Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more."

Certainly if the Heavenly Father can see fit to forgive, but your H cannot seem to offer any discernible concrete evidence of such, thereby placing himself as being even more devout and judging than our Creator, then it is contingent upon you to move on along with your life, as God would truly not want you to subject yourself to a life filled with your H's unloving and hateful ostracism of you. There is something out there for you with far more meaning, love, and reward than you could ever possibly imagine!

And that's exactly what He wants for you!*


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## harrybrown

So what has he done to work on his pain?

You can't go around it, you have to work thru the pain of being second choice.

Then what does one do with being their wife's backup plan?

Yes, the pain is horrible, but you can't get stuck in the pain.

I have been in the pain for almost 4 years now. But I had to something, exercise does help me feel better about myself.

But I can't keep treating her like shyt. 

So even though I am hurt, I had to find a way to handle the anger. I was a walking time bomb, waiting to go off. 

I had to look hard at myself. So I have had to work on my anger and not bring it up all the time. We have been married for almost 40 years. 

I am glad that hopefully my wife has not given up on R. 

I do know that my wife says that I work too much. She is right about that, but we do have to pay the bills.

Maybe she is wanting for me to die, because if we D, she would get only half of our assets, and she would lose 1/2 million in the divorce.

so maybe I am a good backup plan?


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## allwillbewell

First off, you were wrong and you know it, to have had a ONS. But you seem to display sincere remorse and commitment to make amends, and work on your marriage and your own personal issues that allowed you to be unfaithful. 

However....

Your husband needs both IC and anger management therapy to work through his personal issues which seem to have been there before your ONS. His rationalization of a sexless marriage is a line of BS, imo. He is addicted to pornography and masturbation which is defined as a form of adultery by most professionals. In addicts, it desensitizes them to being able to respond sexually to their spouse, requires more and more pornography to achieve satisfaction and reinforces unrealistic expectations of their spouse. They often feel immense shame and anger at themselves which they often project to the nearest victim. Even if you both attended MC, if he refuses to address these issues I don't see how your marriage will survive.

Have you looked into counseling for domestic abuse victims? While you say he has never gotten physical, much of his volatile behavior and treatment of you looks like the precursor to physical abuse. Be careful. And your own reactions of fear and compliance and justifying his behavior are very common of DA spouses. Your remorse and attempts at making amends for your ONS only aggravate the dynamic. Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be serious. Please look into this for your own safety.

Good luck.


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## unsureone

As a WS trying to R for 7 years now....this is a lot like my husband. I am to the point this week of giving up. Letting it go. I am only responsible for my actions and feelings. I am keeping minimal contact. I had so much hope, now I need to let it all go to find peace. It feels freeing I guess. Like I have hope for a future. Like he isnt going to beat me with my emotional email affairs or my past before him or all the wrongs I did. It's scary and lonely but better than being stuck in the cycle!

I feel for you. I know your pain.


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