# My Wife Left on July 4th and wants a divorce



## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi everybody,

I’m new here and this is not a place I ever thought I’d be. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We started dating in high school and haven’t separated once, well until now. We have had a wonderful marriage until recently. We returned to the US in 2009 after an extend backpacking trip around the world. When we got back, that’s when things went sour.

My wife enrolled in Grad School. After being together everyday for 8 months, not seeing her everyday was hard on me. In her class, she met another male student, who she identified with very closely. Their relationship became closer and closer over the months. They would stay late after class, at night, and chat about philosophy and life. She would also talk about our relationship with him. I was jealous and tried many times to meet him, but it never did happen. She even mentioned she found him attractive and really enjoyed his company. My jealousy seemed to push her closer to this guy each week. When she wouldn’t get home until 11:30 pm, from her nightly chats, I would be very irritated and she would tell me I have no right to be that way.

Ok, so this is where it gets weird. This guy is engaged and will be married in a few weeks. My wife is also friends with the Fiancée. Long story short, my wife left on July, 4th and she is now living with this couple. She told me she wanted to see what was out there in life, since we have been together for so long. She’s afraid she’s been missing out on life. She is also very attracted to this guy, and apparently he is ok with open relationships. I think the Fiancée is having trouble with this. 

I have seen her once since she left and she told me she wants a divorce. Her explanation was I am not patient, I don’t like long talks, I am not deep enough and am insecure. Those don’t seem like reasons for divorce to me, plus they really aren’t true. I’m just not like her new friend. She also seems very irritated with me and frustrated all together. I didn’t do anything to hurt her and I’ve been sorta supporting her during the separation.

She has also distanced herself from her old friends and family. She won’t call any of them and has only met her parents once since the holiday. She has refused to get counseling, but I am seeing one. She seems to have lost all her emotional connection to everything and everyone. It seems like this guy has forced some, to me negative, changes in her. I love her more than anything and don’t resent or blame her. I know we can never go back to how things were, but I want to work it out. Does anybody have any advice for me? I feel so lost.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Tell her parents and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

I have told her family and friends and they are all concerned too. Nobody thinks anything can be done about it. They just say she's making mistakes and things will not work out for her. But I am having a hard time coping with the whole thing and feel like I could do more.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

One would have thought that back packing would have bonded you more closely.

I think that the problem is that your gut told you something was wrong. The whole reference to jealousy. You were right. It would have been better if you had gotten on this site sooner and you would have been told that she was in an EA with this guy. She needed to go no contact.

That said, she may very well have continued down this path.

If I were you I would move on with my life and would not accept her back. Easy for me to say. You do not have children.

Imorove yourself. Find a better woman. Choose wisely. Figure out what you may or may not have done wrong with this one and adjust accordingly. But also remember that a different woman willl have her own needs.

You wife cheated on you and is in love with another man. He is into open realtionships. Good for him. How this works out for your wife shall be seen. You need to get to where you do not care.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NotTraveling said:


> I have told her family and friends and they are all concerned too. Nobody thinks anything can be done about it. They just say she's making mistakes and things will not work out for her. But I am having a hard time coping with the whole thing and feel like I could do more.


This is normal. You may have been able to block this or not. 

Probably not. These were her choices. Start over sir.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

NT, You are in the right place for some support, many of us have been in your shoes and can offer some insight into things that don't work and also some that can.

First, it is ok to own up to the marital issues that led to unhappiness, but DO NOT ACCEPT any blame for her decision to have an EA with this guy (EA = emotional affair, and it is pretty clear that's what it is, if not more).

In her mind there is a particular future she sees herself in with this guy and in her fanstasy world it is all rosy, anything you do to try to compete with that will not only fail but fuel her resolve to leave.

You can't do anything to make her change her mind, her decisions are hers alone so you need to start only thinking about your decisions - there are things you can do at this point to find your strength and realize even with out her you can make this an opportunity to make your own life what you want it to be. If you find that strength and confidence in yourself it sometimes goes a long way to restoring a marriage, but if it really works you will accept the idea of letting you go. To make a marriage work takes both people.

There are greener pastures out there, the ones you will make yourself, as long as she goes looking elsewhere she probably won't ever find it because she doesn't really know what it looks like. You sound like a devoted and loving guy, but a bit of a "doormat" like so many of us nice guys are... Like other loyal husbands on this forum who have been left and are trying to pick up the pieces and find the answers, I too am learning how to set my own boundaries and take control of my life and not make excuses for other people, from what I can gather this is what REAL women are attracted to - being "nicer" usually just drives some women further away, especially if, like you seem to be, you are too nice already.

Read up about the "180" people talk about on here and spend some time in the mens clubhouse to understand about "man'ing up". And don't plead, beg, grovel or talk about changing yourself for her... just start making real changes for you, appreciate the freedom you will have not having to deal with her difficult behavior.


----------



## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

Going back to school does change a person, especially adults. They develop a new circle of friends, their ideas change, their philosophy of life evolves etc. I myself went back to school in my early 30s, and felt I was a different person for it. It seems your wife has entered into a new world where she does not feel that you belong. She is experimenting with new things, probably to discover herself. It is obviously a very sad time for you, as you are excluded from her "growth" and change. I hope she comes round to realize her marriage commitment to you. I don't think you should try to stop her or make her realize her fault in ruining the marriage. I think she is at that point where she wants to feel liberated and experience new things, and if you try to stop her, she will likely rebel against you and draw further away. Give her the space.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I doubt it is recoverable if she has an open relationship with this guy. I wouldn't give her space. I would give her her freedom by showing her that some behavior is intolerable. File first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Suemolly has a point, NT's wife wants to feel liberated... BUT, it is easy to say "give her the space" not so easy to do, it means ending the marriage. That is very devastating to a "betrayed" spouse, and I'm not going to minimize the word betrayed, because his W had an EA, and has rejected her loyal H in order to pursue it, and in the process has shattered his trust in her commitment to their relaitionship. In his mind he has done nothing to deserve that.

His W was given space and she chose to use it to leave her H behind.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lon said:


> Suemolly has a point, NT's wife wants to feel liberated... BUT, it is easy to say "give her the space" not so easy to do, it means ending the marriage. That is very devastating to a "betrayed" spouse, and I'm not going to minimize the word betrayed, because his W had an EA, and has rejected her loyal H in order to pursue it, and in the process has not only shattered his trust in her commitment to the marriage but that also cuts deep to the core.
> 
> *His W was given space and she chose to use it to leave her H behind.*


Yes. She took too much space.

And yes, giving space means ending the marriage.

Do not wait for her.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

She is also screwing another woman's fiance. Not liberated but selfish and immature and without character. If that is what people get by going to school it is about their emptiness. School enriched the mind. It isn't a gateway to cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> She is also screwing another woman's fiance. Not liberated but selfish and immature and without character. If that is what people get by going to school it is about their emptiness. School enriched the mind. It isn't a gateway to cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## AustinGalaxy (Jul 18, 2011)

Have you had a chance to speak with this guy's fiance? I'm very interested to hear of what she thinks of your wife and her soon to be husband's open policy.


----------



## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

I tried, but I got a snarky email back from the guy saying his Fiancee has had violent relationships with men and she was afraid I was going to follow my wife to their house and kill them all. He told me not to contact her again. So I haven't, but I haven't because I want to give my wife the space she asked for. He seems like a completely manipulative ### to me. A true psychopath. I'm sure he's praying on women who he can mold into the people he wants them to be. It makes me sick. It sounds like he talks to women in a way where he implants ideas into their head, but they themselves think they thought of it and want it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NotTraveling said:


> Ok, so this is where it gets weird. This guy is engaged and will be married in a few weeks. My wife is also friends with the Fiancée. Long story short, my wife left on July, 4th and she is now living with this couple. She told me she wanted to see what was out there in life, since we have been together for so long. She’s afraid she’s been missing out on life. She is also very attracted to this guy, and apparently he is ok with open relationships. I think the Fiancée is having trouble with this.


Have you spoken to his fiancee? Is it possible the fiance has no idea what is happening between OM and your wife and thinks she is getting a divorce and offering her a free place to live (without knowing about the affair)? 

You say the fiancee is having trouble with this--did she tell you this directly? How do you know this? I am curious cause that will help us answer you better.

If your wife wants a divorce and pushes forward with it, sees it through, unfortunately, there will be nothing you can do but concede. Start doing 180s (look them up on this site) and get outside, get fresh air, surround yourself with supportive and positive people.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NotTraveling said:


> I tried, but I got a snarky email back from the guy saying his Fiancee has had violent relationships with men and she was afraid I was going to follow my wife to their house and kill them all. He told me not to contact her again. So I haven't.


And you believe him....why?

It's possible (and more than likely) he is telling you this so that you do not interfere with his little affair. That would fall straight in line with what I posted above (about the fiance taking your wife in under false pretenses w/o any clue the affair is happening).

Him telling you to back off his main piece is a CLASSIC maneuver done by cheating folks in order not to get caught. 

Contact his fiancee stat and tell hre what the deal is. Do so without letting OM or your wife know (so they don't have time to get their stories straight). 

Please elaborate on the part where you said "I think his fiance is having trouble with this."

Also, you may want to post this in the _Coping with Infidelity _thread for more feedback.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I hope you told him to go eff himself. He is a POS and needs to be told. I would tell his fiance. I would highly suspect a PA with all this open relationship talk.

Honestly, the next time she came around all of her crap would be in boxes and I'd look her straight in the eye and tell her that you have no desire to hold HER to her vows, and that you plan on spending your time with a W who is worth your time. 

Then I'd tell her to hit the road.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Locard said:


> I hope you told him to go eff himself. He is a POS and needs to be told. I would tell his fiance. I would highly suspect a PA with all this open relationship talk.
> 
> Honestly, the next time she came around all of her crap would be in boxes and I'd look her straight in the eye and tell her that you have no desire to hold HER to her vows, and that you plan on spending your time with a W who is worth your time.
> 
> Then I'd tell her to hit the road.


She moved in with them. There is no reasonable doubt to her being physical. 

Even if she has not which is a huge stretch, she moved out and wants to pursue her life without him. Case closed move on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Locard said:


> I hope you told him to go eff himself.


:rofl: You guys are cracking me up today. 

I agree with Entropy. If she wants out, let her go. Do tell the fiance though. She may have no idea.


----------

