# Arrrgggg he"s doing it now!!!!!



## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

After a long day of cooking and cleaning, and helping hubby, he stayed out in the garage, surfing dating sites!!!!

This is the fourth time he promised to stop! He searches in towns nearby. He doesn't have a membership "because my wife has control of the finances" and wants them to contact him. I memorized his username and password (he doesn't know)on his favorite site and check in periodically to see if he will keep the promise THIS TIME....

28 years, i have been a total IDIOT! 

I don't even know what to do......

Lately he leaves the house alot, to "help a friend" I am stuck here with no way to check on him .......(handicapped adult daughter) 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? I can't seem to put my foot down and enforce my boundries.........I'm such a RETARD....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You tell us. Why aren't you enforcing your boundaries?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd go out there and ask whats up.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I DON'T KNOW WHY, I'm scared! I'm old and used up, he brags about how he's so much younger looking than me, he drinks sometimes and little comments will slip out like, "you ever think I can't believe I married that" I do look old for my age (I have had a hard life) 

I guess I don't because I'm a weak individual,,,,,,,

I WANNA GO OUT THERE AND SMACK THE HECK OUTA HIM.....

I'm soooo confused.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Screw that! I bet you are not old looking, you just believe what he's told you. There is plenty a woman can do to look young. I try my best, seeing that my husband is 7 years younger  LOL.

But besides that, screw him for even saying that. Use that "wtf" attitude and go ask what he's doing. Don't be scared...although I understand the fear. Just walk in and surprise him.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I guess I'm scared because of what this really means....that is doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. I have been trying to bide my time to see if I can get more evidence, because I think he has had relations with some of the ho's. He denies, and I have no proof. 

I have been trying to concentrate on me, but, my hands are tied with my kid. I am almost done with the process of the kid moving out, so I can do what I have to. 

GOSH I NEED SOME GUTS!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You now have evidence.

Go be the woman you know you are. Don't take any crap. The nerve of him to do this while you are right there in the other room.

Screw that. Take no prisoners.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Thanks that girl, your right.....here I go....


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to Walmart or Bet Buy and but a VAR, voice activated recorder, they are fairly cheap.

Get some heavy duty velcro and put it under his car seat. It will record any conversations he has in the car. If you think he's phoning from the garage put one in there too.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Leave his ass. Wait! First you need to borrow his credit card and go get a complete wardrobe makeover, day at the spa, and all sorts of nice things for yourself.


Then....kick his azz to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

So, he attempted to gaslight me, saying he wasn't sure if I love him.

Tried to turn it onto me, and said I am wrong for snooping. 

I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get emotional.

I simply asked him if anything inside him thought it was wrong to be searching for nearby ho's while his wife went to the doctor, was in the ER, and tending to his home while he hid like a thief in the garage secretely searching for something else.

He promised he'd stop, I said, that won't work anymore. The empty promises. It is not enough, won't make me shut up, won't make me trust him.

I told him I can't trust him mainly because.....I'll be back he returns


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

mainly because he pretends our marriage is great, all the while, he has an extramarrital urge. That that in itself makes him a lier.

I told him, I deserve to know that he cannot find everything he needs with me. That I want more from the man I live with.

I told him I cannot open up for sex with him because I KNOW.

I told him I will not share emotionally, lustfully, and it is enough that while he secretely searches I am preparing to exit this marriage.

He was shocked. I would not give him details as to my preparations and that bothered him, I told him " you don't feel abliged to be truthful about your feelings concerning being married to me, so I don't have to tell you anything I am doing to protect myself.

He said we should go to counseling. I agreed, but told him no bsing the counselor, no ego, brutal honest truth.

We had been looking to move, but I told him we are staying put until it is resolved. I do not want to move forward with distractions like we have done our entire marriage. DEAL, HEAL, and then move forward with whatever the counseling reveals. 

We made love. We were tired, but for the first time in years, he didn't roll away. I didn't reach for him. I didn't stroke his skin to make him feel secure, I rolled away. I used to just stare at his back afterwards aching for connection. For touch. 

I think I have disconnected. And I'm not scared. I feel a little power just a little to my own.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

I have a friend, who's husband behaves worse than yours, yet I have tried to figure out why in hell! is she still married to the Jerk!!

I heard all of her excuses, the counseling overkill! sessions, like that is going to change his behavior!? When , he enjoys doing what he is doing! He is a Sex Addict! Nonetheless, she stands by his side oddly hoping she can change him??? Did I also mention, she is rather hot looking herself? Its not like she can't get another man!??

I bet, you look rather ravishing! darling, regardless of your age!, these type of men, don't stop unless, you show strength! Serious strength! You need to start protecting yourself! Go get a check up! Stop having sex with him until his behavior corrects. Really!

I cant tell you to just kick him to the curb! and move on! but I will tell you this, If I pulled a stunt like that on my wife, she would have been moved out on her own accord and with her family ...far away from me along time ago! And, I would expect it. I almost have to say, Give the ******* his wish! Take him for half! go do something nice for you! I believe you need to respect yourself more! have no FEAR! Move forward but with wisdom and a good plan. God has someone better for you! He always comes thru when you need him the most, but you have to let go of the **** in your hand first before he can fill it with gold.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Turner, you just made me cry. I haven't had such sweet compassion aimed at me in a very long time. Thank you. 

You don't know how needed that is right now. I went and bought some makeup, and tried it on, I look like a stunning 70 year old. Problem is Im 50. 

I am working on me right now. I need some self esteem to get in a clear headed position. Because I have none, I am not in a position to make decisions. I am starting IC next week. I cannot work on this marriage when I feel so bad about myself. 

I am also going to consult a cosmetic surgeon. I don't want to look like Farrah Fawcett I just want to look like a refreshed me. I want to be happy with what I see for me. I had a medical procedure done last year, and had to have a friend take me. She saw me naked, and said I have the body of a 20 year old. She was amazed. That didn't help, my mind latched on to the fact that to her amazment, my face didn't match with my body. I need to change that. (I was beautiful in my youth, but time has not been nice) 

Such kind words, I deserve them from my husband, and only got them from a stranger whom I have never met. That is telling for me, a sorta kick in the pants. Thanks


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I truly wonder if it's bad as you say

I think of anorexics looking in the mirror and actually seeing a fat person when they are in truth emasculated

your self image is likely shot to hell due to the poor treatment of your husband


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like my exH. He was a fan of the dating sites. Even while we were "working on things" I caught himj on two more. Amazing. And always an excuse, too... "it was a joke/it means nothing/IDK why I do it." 

You are right when you say "He doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved." You're spot on.

Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you this way.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I was the same way for 15 years (married 14). I was scared of him. I believed him when he told me I was worthless. I never thought I could do any better than him. Then one day, I finally had enough. I put on my b!tch pants, I kicked him out of the house, and I divorced him. Today, I am much happier. I've gained back some of my self confidence and I no longer take any of his sh*t. I'm not as old as you are, I'm in my mid 30's but listen, it doesn't matter how old you are, you're not dead. It's time you put on your ***** pants and stop taking his sh*t.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

You people ROCK! 

I cannot tell you how much it means to not feel so ALONE.....

I wish I could hug each and everyone of you. 

Because of you I do feel a little better. When I begin to do my self degradation, I will force my inner voice to SHUT UP, and think about your compassion.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

So, he's retired. He goes EVERYDAY outa the house, and helps "a friend" all day. I am stuck without a way to check. 

He just left. And was very nasty, because he was telling me about this "friends" problems. Someone I never met. When I say, we have problems we need to work on, he says something hateful, and leaves.

I AM SOOOOOO TIRED! 

I have opened my mind up more and more to divorce. Even going so far as to open a fake email, and sending myself lawyer info in the area. 

I seem to almost be in a fog of my own fantasizing about NOT being with him. 

We are waiting for counseling until my child is gone because we have no one to help us with our child. 

I am so pent up. I try to focus on my then he comes in and bulldozes his way into my thoughts.

I swore last night he wanted to tell me something, but when I asked what, he said nothing and went to bed. I waited until I heard him snoring, then grabbed my pillows and slept on the couch. 

We are both faking it, and I know it. I just don't know how to live with it for another moment !

My heart knows he's been unfaithful, and wants him to just GOOOO. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE......Because that is what I am used to being totally and utterly ALONE..........I would rather be than live a lie ONE MORE MINUTE.....................


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You could be the one to go. Stop waiting for him to leave.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I have a disabled kid. In a wheelchair. I am waiting for the kid to move out.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I think of anorexics looking in the mirror and actually seeing a fat person when they are in truth emasculated


 Or did you mean "emaciated"


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Two things to consider
1. cancelling the internet account.
People CAN live without it at home 

2. having a phone number of a locksmith to call to come over quick the next time he goes out to help a friend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

madwoman said:


> I have a disabled kid. In a wheelchair. I am waiting for the kid to move out.


 Oh. Well, when will that be?


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

It will be 2-3 months.

There is alot I can do in that time. I intend to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> Or did you mean "emaciated"


Damn auto correct
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Damn auto correct
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: I love my friend's autocorrect. Once she texted me with..."OMG It's such a testicle eating day! UGH! UTAH!"

:scratchhead:

:rofl: Still kills me.

Ok, sorry to threadjack.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He can't believe he is married to "that"? Well that's pretty easy then. Since he is off helping a "friend" on top of hooking up with random skanks, change the locks and let him know you cannot believe YOU are married to "that". Let him stay with said "friend" while you get the wheels in motion to divorce this loser. 

You say you are used up and alone. That is how you feel after years of being abused. That's how he wants you to feel, that way you never leave or rock the boat. It's about his need to control and bully you so you don't make things difficult for him. Guess what? He just lost. The sheer fact that you came here asking for advice means you are realizing that this is a terrible situation and you want out. His grip on you is loosening and he isn't the one loosening the grip. See? You ARE strong. Once you remove this parasite from your life, you will be amazed at how youthful you feel. 

You feel alone? You are not. There are 30,000 members here and we are all here to help you. Strangers who don't know you from Eve but are willing and supportive. 

Go take a look in the mirror. You know what is staring back at you? True beauty. Beauty that goes so much more than surface level. The kind of beauty that resonates from the heart and soul. That is a rare woman indeed. Don't continue to let him take that from you. Change the locks and be rid of him. Stop respecting him and respect yourself. You are worthy of it, he is not.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

So I have been keeping track of the mileage on his car. should be only 25 miles, but there is 152. Am biting my tounge until I can get and plant a VAR. 

He also said he had finished all but one of the things he set out to do, now says all need done over.

When I said don't hurt me, he reacted with disgust. His body language says I am closed to you. 

I checked the copy paste on his Iphone has my bod for you on it. 

This is a man who would have a ho next to him and deny he was doing anything wrong so I have to build a case before I confront with d papers. 

I am getting angier and angier. At least finally I am feeling SOMETHING..........


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

madwoman said:


> I DON'T KNOW WHY, I'm scared! I'm old and used up, he brags about how he's so much younger looking than me, he drinks sometimes and little comments will slip out like, "you ever think I can't believe I married that" I do look old for my age (I have had a hard life)
> 
> I guess I don't because I'm a weak individual,,,,,,,
> 
> ...


Living with an NPD will age you. If you get out, you get some vigor back. As long as you keep subjecting yourself to this, nothing will change. The personality disordered seldom change.
Start reading up on NPD and BPD and ASPD. You will see your husband, i would bet.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Your spot on Arnold. He has been diagnosed with a disorder very similar to one of those. He recieves meds, but counseling has been of no helpl.

The last time I caught him, he went to his couselor the next day and told her "well I'm getting a divorce" (read his records)

About six months ago, he had them call me to set up family counseling, without discussing it with me. I was caught off guard, because I didn't know there was a problem. He hadn't expressed any concerns, disatisfaction. Hadn't told me he had a problem with me. 

Throughout all this, the hunting for women, I knew was HIS issue. I am who I am, so take me or leave me. But don't tell me you love me if you don't. Don't ask for sex if it's just a mechanical need your fulfilling.

I know he doesn't find me attractive anymore, he's as much as told me so. In words and actions. We haven't had sex during the day in six years. I'm not stupid.

I am beginning to think that there isn't anything to work on. He will never fully disclose, I know that, because his mom taught him that (she was a serial cheater who never hid it from her kids). She told me once, don't bother trying to get the truth, I taught them it was selfish to confess something like that. NO JOKE!

He just started a fight just awhile ago, so he could leave to do work he said he'd already done. Good, at least I don't have to pretend everything is okay so I can gather evidence without him going deeper. 

I know he will jump straight into the shower when he gets back.


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