# I'm new and I'm SO frustrated!



## lovebroken (Oct 20, 2008)

Hi everyone; I'm new to the forums, and I came straight here, because I need someone to talk me off a ledge (not literally; I'm just REALLY frustrated with my situation right now.)

I have been married for just over a year, with him for a little over two years. We just had our first child a few months ago, and our entire relationship has changed since I got pregnant. I knew things would, because this is not MY first child; however, the areas in which things have changed are not those in which I thought they would.

Firstly, my husband has COMPLETELY lost interest in sex. He actually lost interest just as we started trying to get pregnant (he wanted to; so that's not it, I'm 100% sure); and only got worse as the pregnancy continued. He consistently reassured me that it was only "because" I was pregnant, seeing as how he found it difficult to get into things; because of the state I was in. I tried to be understanding, and held in there until after baby came, thinking things would get better. Not only did they NOT get better; they got WORSE.

I can't do anything to get him into bed with me. He has a million reasons "why," most of which I've been told by almost everyone I've been able to talk to about with, are just plain shallow or I can tell you are just not accurate (i.e., I don't dress as sexy as I did when we were dating...I've not been as easy to get along with while I was pregnant, etc.). he's sort of understanding about the pregnancy weight; but doesn't have a problem admitting that it does affect his level of attraction.

Now, he's come up with what he is sure is a horrible medical problem (that is sexual in nature, but that is NOT erectile dysfunction) and as horrible as this may sound, I am convinced that he put off going to the doctor and is keeping me at arms length regarding this issue, because he wants nothing to do with me. He isn't worried about our relationship in the sexual sense at all. We haven't had sex in a year, and it doesn't seem to bother him at ALL...and I don't understand it.

When I try to talk to him about the medical issue he's having, he just shuts me out, telling me I'm annoying him, or that I don't understand - or, even worse, that I'm horrible because I can't even leave him alone when he's got something wrong with him; and I should just understand that he "can't" right now, and stop being that way...and honestly, I'm only trying to be supportive. I understand that a medical situation makes things different, but it's not like we were having any intimacy BEFORE that occured, either.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally at my wits end. I feel like I'm living with a roommate - and I feel totally rejected, unattractive and alone. this is the first time I've really wanted to be intimate with someone and we used to have such a good relationship; but now, it's just gone...and any attempt I've made to get it back has been like running into a brick wall.

What do I DO?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You may as well tell us what this medical problem is, it might be important.


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## lovebroken (Oct 20, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You may as well tell us what this medical problem is, it might be important.


Only problem with that is, he hasn't been to the doctor yet; so other than what he "thinks" it is, I don't have that information.

Additionally; as I said, the medical problem has come on just in the last week or so; and so therefore is not the root of the problem. I will say this much; it's nothing STD-like - and IF it's what he thinks it is; would be more "injury related." 

- although how he became "injured" is undetermined at this point.

If the medical issue had come on and that was obviously the onset of our issue, I assure you, I would not be so frustrated - because I do love him a great deal, and ultimately only care about his well-being...Should the doctor say it's something serious, I'll totally understand and will not expect things he can't do...I'm not that way...I just want him to stop treating me like I'm interfering...know what I mean?

I'm feeling shut out at this point - and that's really all I'm feeling down about. He won't let me in for intimacy; and now that he has an issue, he won't even talk to me about it, save to tell me it's there, and it's another reason we can't be intimate...so the actual "medical problem" isn't really the point  (but if I knew for sure what it was, I would be more specific)


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Men have a hard time talking to their mate about their Charlie, hun. Well, when it comes to anything being wrong with it.

It's a man thing. I know a couple, and the lady talks to me about her husband..yeah me..:scratchhead: 

Anyway, she said her husband won't make love to her. I said ..do you think he has a problem with Charlie doing his thing? Can't wake up Charlie? 

She said..I think that is the problem and he won't go see if anything could be done about it. 

Men can joke about sex, but when it comes to medical problems, they are like so  to go see about it. 

They don't mind their gf or wife messing with Charlie, but someone like a doctor seeing it or talking about it is like so  to them.


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## lovebroken (Oct 20, 2008)

I can understand that...I don't try to really press the issue much, when it comes to talking about the medical issue...at least until he sees the doctor - I'm trying to be understanding with him on that one. Charlie wakes up fine, in his case, I know that for sure. He let me "wake Charlie up" to show me what was going on; but then pushed me away after I got that far (it was kind of awkward, to be honest).

He's a very private person, so I know he's most likely just trying to handle it his own way...it's just very hard knowing he expects me to be very open with him; but that he doesn't feel comfortable being open with me.

To be truthful, I've started to feel fairly certain he'd LIKE to have sex...just not with ME...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Can you get him to go to a doctor with you? 

I don't understand why he's no longer interested. 

Why did he want you to get pregnant? Just so he could say he could? Or does he actually want a child? 

I strongly suggest couples counseling!


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## lovebroken (Oct 20, 2008)

I don't understand why he's lost interest, either. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't seem to be interested in intimacy...

He wanted the baby; and is a very good Daddy - that's for sure...the baby has his full attention. It's almost as if once he got me pregnant, things changed for him, or something.

I offered to go to the doctor with him and you would have thought I'd stuck him with a hot poker. He did NOT take that the way it was intended. he is going to go; he just doesn't want me involved in it at all.

We are planning on going to counseling; but I know him well enough to know that 1.) he thinks we're going because we argue occasionally, and 2.) he will NEVER discuss our sexual situation with anyone else, so if I bring that up in counseling, I feel certain he'll put a very quick stop to it, and insist that isn't why we're there.

I have a couple other issues with things, like I'd like to work on our communication; but in the grand scheme of things, this is the only thing I am having a really hard time dealing with.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

lovebroken said:


> I can understand that...I don't try to really press the issue much, when it comes to talking about the medical issue...at least until he sees the doctor - I'm trying to be understanding with him on that one. Charlie wakes up fine, in his case, I know that for sure. He let me "wake Charlie up" to show me what was going on; but then pushed me away after I got that far (it was kind of awkward, to be honest).
> 
> He's a very private person, so I know he's most likely just trying to handle it his own way...it's just very hard knowing he expects me to be very open with him; but that he doesn't feel comfortable being open with me.
> 
> To be truthful, I've started to feel fairly certain he'd LIKE to have sex...just not with ME...


That's sad.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

lovebroken said:


> I don't understand why he's lost interest, either. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't seem to be interested in intimacy...
> 
> *** somethings wrong, then! ***
> 
> ...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

:iagree:


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## line6guy (Sep 21, 2008)

I have heard that some men have "issues" warming up to the place their child came from. Anyone else heard this? Could this be an issue?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, what I've heard is that men spend 9 months trying to get out and the rest of their lives trying to get back in!


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## lovebroken (Oct 20, 2008)

line6guy said:


> I have heard that some men have "issues" warming up to the place their child came from. Anyone else heard this? Could this be an issue?


I have heard of that, and I've also heard that some guys have an issue with viewing their wives differently after they give birth - almost in a MORE respectful light, but to a damaging degree, where they sort of "can't do that" with the mother of their child, because that's just NOT what you do with Mothers.

I think there's an actual name for that - but I'm not sure what it is...and I have considered that maybe that (or even what you mentioned) may be the issue. 

If I could just figure out a way to get him to talk about it with a counselor (which I am 100% sure he will refuse to do, because he's WAY too private about our sexual relationship - he's barely able to address it with ME) - we could maybe get to the bottom of it; but...I have no idea how to do that when he's so adamant that it's not something you talk about to anyone.


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