# Wife has given up and sees no choice



## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Well we just had a talk with no yelling or screaming and as I thought, she has got her mind pretty much made up that there is no way we can work things out. She refuses to live her life wondering if I am where I say I am or whether or not I am out there meeting up with someone else. I don't blame her and I validated her feelings saying that she was allowed to be distrustful of me. We spoke about the future and both agreed that we need to make the transition as smooth and as painless for our two children as possible. 

I have a lot of making up to do. As painful as it is to realize and come to terms that the woman I love immensely no longer can see her way back to me is really saddening. I am disappointed in my self and my lack of judgment. I stressed to her that I not only need to work on making sure that I am a wonderful father going forward but to become a better man and to prove to her that over 10 years, she did not marry the person that was unfaithful in the last 11 months. I owe that to her to put this all behind us. She is not willing to work things out anymore and has come to her decision and at this point she is only concerned with her and the future as a mother to our two kids. I have to now focus on that as well on the flip side. 

It's hard to know that we had such a beautiful life at one time and because of my mistakes I have thrown it all away. My guilt is overwhelming and this one day will have to be something to explain to my children when they are grown. It sucks on every level that I gave up on us and ran to a girl that wasn't willing to have anything to do with me on a serious level. That's what makes this all the more painful, I gave it all up for someone that wasn't worth it. At this point I have to accept that I will be divorced and that my focus will be on providing for my children. Who knows what the trial separation and that time will bring and I don't know exactly how to act now that it has been made final that there is no coming back from what I have done. I want to learn how to become her friend and work as a team to raise our two kids. I don't think she'll ever get over what I've done, but I hope we can move into the future learning to be close without being together. Extremely bummed but i expected it. She always told me that cheating was the one thing she couldn't come back from and here it is. I've made my bed now I have to lay in it.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Rico:

I'm sorry you are here and that you are hurting. I don't really have much in the way of advice, as I am on the other "side" of things in that my H decided to step out of the marriage on me. He really hasn't been honest about anything for the past several months. I got the full gamet of typical lines, i.e., "love you but not in love with you"; "we'll always be close"; "I don't know what I want yet", etc. etc. He moved out in October. I don't speak to him now unless it's about kids or finances and that helps me to heal. I don't know what my 180 does to him; it seems as though he tries to engage me a bit more but I don't really buy into it. I'm not nasty, just sort of neutral and tired.

I'm curious though and wonder if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions since you were on the other side and you seemed to be deep in the "affair fog" for a while. What snapped you out of it? Was it the fact that the OW didn't want to be with you and you are now seeing your wife as the second choice? How did this happen if you were not that guy? I'm not saying that to be snide - it's that this is the situation with my WH. It seems as though an alien snatched him up and replaced him with a stranger. He was not that guy for 13 out of the 14 years of our marriage. He's at the prime age for an MLC. He has been depressed over family issues, i.e., death of his mother, falling out with his father; he was not happy with his job or situation in life. It was as if he completely detached from our life and wanted to escape reality. Is this what made you run to someone else? What made you run back? I'm sorry if I'm pummeling you with questions now since you are still hurting and reeling from the reality of your situation. However, any insight you can offer would be much appreciated.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

I agree, I suspect my husbands leaving has more to do with MLC and recent losses in his family than with our relationship, although that needed attention. Please, share your experience leaving and coming back


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Have u been honest with yourself, your wife, and this forum?

For example, on the below post in July of 2010, you innocently state that you are BEGINNING to NOTICE other woman due to a disconnect with your wife.

07-28-2010, 04:57 PM #3 (permalink)
Rico
Join Date: Jul 2010

Re: Completely torn!


> I appreciate that nice, but honestly it's been three years in the working phase and I kind of already there and the only thing keeping me locked in are the kids. Emotionally I dont think I have it anymore. There absolutely is no abuse of any sort. There is simply an emotional disconnect and with the emotional disconnect comes the physical neglect. I've began to notice other women and other women have started to notice me. I have always maintained with my wife that if it ever came to the point where i felt I wanted to stray that I would be man enough to tell her before i acted on my impulses. That is kind of where I am right now.


*You fail to mention that you have been in an affair since April.*

July 30, 2010...you said


> "It's me...I just want to be alone"


, *still not making ANY mention of another woman.
*
Feb 2, 2010....you said


> "Well within the last 10 months I meet a girl here at work and her and I hit it off. We got along great, laughed and joked and she made me feel attractive and appealing. She was younger than me and I got wrapped up in a whirlwind of emotions with this girl. For about 4 years I spent telling my wife about this feeling I had of neglect and it went unheard and ignored. Finally when I met this girl and seeing that she was interested in me I threw my hands in the air and simply gave up and began having an affair."


*If my math is correct, your affair began in April 2010, 3 months BEFORE your first post where you began to innocently post of your issues with your wife. *

You say "I threw my hands in the air and simply gave up". 

You gave up before April 2010 my friend.

Have you wondered if you are JUST TOO NEEDY?


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Actually no the affair didn't start at all until much later. April is when the OW and I were friends still. She started at my job in march. At that point it was friendly flirtations and nothing physical. The issues I had with my wife started just around 3-4 years ago. So, yes I am being truthful with the forum, wife and myself. I am not a needy person at all, what I was and am, is someone that liked the intimacy of holding hands and spending time on a couch enjoying a movie etc. I mentioned this for over three years without ever getting any changes. It would change for a week and then revert back. For your information she owns and recognizes this as a fact as well. So thanks for the input! And you're welcome for clearing it up.


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