# Preparing for first counselling appointment



## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

My husband and I finally both agreed that we need some third party help. So we called our local Relate counselling office and registered. They did alittle phone evaluation to see what kind of counselling we would most likely need. Based on the fact that we don't have any disagreements about money, and that we compromise easily through parenting and household disagreements, the lady who did the phone evaluation said we would most likely benefit specifically from sex therapy. In other words we'd be working with a counsellor who specializes in helping couples with differing libidos, traumatic pasts, communication revolving around intimacy issues, etc.. Which is great because those are all the issues that we have our big blow-up fights about.

Right now we are just playing the waiting game. We are on the list and just waiting for them to call us with an appointment opening. We were told it shouldn't be a very long wait.
In the mean time, *I was wondering if there was anything we could or should be doing in order to prepare for our first appointment?*

I've been through individual counselling a few times in my life but never have gone as a couple so I'm not really sure what to expect.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No - not really any real way to prepare. A lot of the first appointment will be feel like a feeling out process - and you'll also be getting the therapist up to speed on why you think you're there.

He/She will steer you in the right direction based on what they observe. Plus, its almost like those Ink Blot tests - where its better to just say the first things that come to mind. If you think about it too much - or go in with some kind of script - the therapist won't be seeing the way the two of you normally interact.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

our first two appointments all concentrated on the positives of the marriage and our life,

not until third or fourth time did we actually try and discuss the problems


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Having had 3 counsellors I can talk with a bit of experience. I am not sure if this is to solve arguments with your H or just to improve matters.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

The counselling office finally called me back to schedule an appointment. They would have been able to get us in before Christmas if we could have done a morning appointment time, but I don't want my husband to have to take off work to go to counselling.
Sure, he easily could leave the office for a couple hours a week with the full support and understanding of his co-workers BUT in order to do so, he'd have to explain to his 1st sgt, commander, etc.. why he needed to leave the office and we'd rather not have everyone on this tiny base know that we need help. (Part of the reason we are going through a civilian agency to get help rather than go through the base.)
The soonest they could get us in for a evening time slot was January 4th. Meaning we've got two long weeks ahead of us.

We both agreed that our fights seem to just be getting worse so we'd like to try and avoid a fight between now and when we get counselling started 2 weeks from now.
My husband suggested that we try a "cool down" rule, meaning that if one person says they need space so that a disagreement doesn't escalate, the other person has to walk away. I'm not sure how well that will actually work out since the last fight we had occured because my husband followed me around the house yelling that I was being irrational when I asked him to give me space. That said, we've discussed escalating vs asking for space to calm down and we've agreed to try and respect eachother's requests on that front.
I suggested that we might want to try something similar to the "3 day rule" which I read about in a thread on this forum. My husband didn't think that sounded reasonable however he says he's willing to try scheduling sex. Basically he wants to get together at the beginning of every week and decide based on work schedule and social obligations which days would work best to have sex that week. This would elminate the whole him rejecting me issue because neither one of us would be initating sex, it would just be understood that we were having sex. Our hope is that once we start getting more physical more frequently, that we'll both gain some confidence in the relationship and also maybe get more isnyc with each other's wants/needs.

I know it might sound weird but for us, our physical intimacy went down hill first, then emotional intimacy followed suit. We have had short term success in fix the emotional intimacy problem several times, but it always starts to circle the drain eventually because we never fixed the root of the problem: lack of physical intimacy. So maybe by scheduling sex (at least for alittle while, until we are more stable) we might be physical more often and in turn have a stronger relationship because of it?

In any case, its at least a temporary thing that we've agreed to try which we both *hope* will help us get through the holidays and then hopefully the counsellor can help us get back on track when we start our therapy in the new year.


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