# Background - what to do... (Sorry kind of long)



## GetReal (Jan 27, 2012)

New to this forum, so here’s quick background recap. Been married 21 years, 3 kids, 13, 11 and 8, married at 19, madly in love, so I think. Long story short, believe my H is emotionally and sexually abusive to me, spends like crazy and doesn’t like to be told we don’t’ have the money, been a hard road to realize that but it explains a lot during the first several years of the marriage. 

Things were happy and great until the kids came along for the most part. H has a bad temper and it showed, it was awful but has notably improved since I told him I’d had it 3 years ago, but the nasty comments, cut downs and name calling is still there, we’ve generally done things his way and if I disagree or want to do something else, he will pretend to go along with it until it’s in motion. Or he’ll wear on me until I get frustrated and eventually cave in and do it his way, how we bought house #2 by the way. 

We’ve moved around a little to find our ‘niche’ as I never intended to stay far away from my family, so about 7 years ago, we decided to move to where my family was, but it was downright miserable. Though it really wasn’t enough time, we were only there 1 year, inadequate planning regarding finances as H said I needed to figure it all out, I was giving it a shot, H dragged his feet and didn’t actively do anything to make the situation better. Anything that went wrong, he took the opportunity to remind me the move was a mistake or put blame on me. The blame thing has always been there, I just didn’t realize as in the beginning it was a joke to him to tell everyone if something went wrong, it was my fault. 

Anyway, we had a number of problems; including H’s drinking and hanging out with friends most days of the week before we moved to my home state. H didn’t help much with the kids before or after the move and expected praise when he lifted a finger, so when things weren’t working well, and after numerous fights and pressure, I agreed that it wasn’t working, and went along with moving back to where we are now. H admitted to me after I agreed that he only went along with the move to shut me up so I wouldn’t have it hanging on his head all his life if we didn’t try it. 

Anyway… for almost a year he didn’t work (Which by the way was required for getting hired by this organization - so he was planning this awhile), we have both always worked, but after we came back, H was a stay home dad for a while which was fine. But shortly after, H decided to accept a position that required travel the majority of the time. He knew what he was getting into as we both worked for this employer about 3 years into our marriage. It was a good opportunity then, before kids, we traveled to different parts of the country, for different lengths of time and were together. Keep in mind, I’m leaving out a lot, all the flags, things done, how I’ve felt and put the pieces together. 

H was never really an active parent, just occasionally, so now, for the past 5 years, I am really a single parent. I maintain the home, raise the kids, run the kids around, go to their events (sometimes H will go when he’s home) work, went to school and he can be gone for months at a time or not. His time at home varies, can be a week to two months.. , all through which there is a noticeable shift in our household. Currently he is away on a 6-month stint. 

So, at first, I think I felt abandoned and went through all the emotions like he just left us (again more to the story) and he kept assuring me he would do this 1 year and then find a regular full-time job and be home again. It’s been a full 5 years, starting year 6 now. Now, before you say, the market is tough, etc.. yes it is, but he expects to get a job, by applying late and only putting in 1 resume every few months. So, to me that action screams, I don’t want responsibility (Which is one of the things he loves about this job) but will tell you I’m looking as sure I do miss the kids and being home, but not enough to put forth full effort and tell you I’m looking to appease you. However; this time away (over the last couple of years) has made me realize I don’t love him, have not been happy for a long time (and yes, he is fully aware of this, we’ve argued, he’s done a few things to change) but I think the damage is done. I get tense when he’s around and get better when I know he’s nearly gone. My concern here though, I have been considering divorce for a long time, he has always thrown that word in on fights, but I never did until I finally have come to the realization I don’t know if there is anything left and this isn’t what I want and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way. 


This isn’t a marriage, a partnership and not much of a parent by phone for a 2-5 minute conversation with the kids and I daily. He does help somewhat when he’s home, he will cook, but not cleanup, will work on the yard, criticize how I have things organized or how I do something, but won’t put the kids to bed (well never has) and the kids avoid him when it comes to homework and he’s hurt if they don’t shift and call him first (instead of me) if they need a ride or ask for his help on homework, so he feels unappreciated, and things we all need to shift to accommodate him when he’s there, including our sex life. Which I detest and get over as quickly as possible and only do as he is really nasty to the kids and I if I don’t. I get that, feeling unappreciated, but at the same time, he doesn’t appreciate that his choice has been a huge impact on the kids and me in terms of how we function, how exhausted I can be and still expect me to shift to him to be #1 priority if he is home. 

My biggest concern though, with him being involved the little bit he is, which is worse for the kids in the long run? Him on this uninvolved schedule or being divorced so I’m happy and maybe they will end up seeing him on a regular schedule? It’s not the norm, It is not a military family, no support here, family is in another state for both sides, of which there is limited…. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you cope? How did you know you were doing the right thing? Or did you feel you made everything up and are lashing at him for not being around? DId you suck it up until the kids graduate? I guess I’m trying to decide if I wait, or not.. If I wait, I have another 10 years as the youngest is 8. Thanks.

Sorry… so much for being quick…and short.


----------



## GetReal (Jan 27, 2012)

Should add, in case any of you are wondering, I realize that not all faults lie with my husband, I am to blame for things too... so just wanted to add that in there.


----------



## GetReal (Jan 27, 2012)

Wow, this is crushing... no responses at all? Anyone at all? I can't be the only person on the planet with this issue? Someone has to relate, right?


----------



## sillysmart (Jan 28, 2012)

So you say you don't love him. Why all the doubt? Are you scared to officially be on your own? It seems like you already are. I don't know if you believe in divorce or not but it seems like you already are. I really belive in marriage. I really do. But I would certainly think of exactly what you want from him that would maybe make you want to try. I would give him a deadline. If not file for legal separation to wake him up. You may end up divorced but then again you can always call it off. It sounds like things need to be shook up because he is probably miserable too. Maybe go get some counseling to figure out what it is you really want and to clarify why you haven't divorced already?


----------



## GetReal (Jan 27, 2012)

Sillysmart, thanks for your reply. I don't believe I do love him anymore, but I think I'm scared just because I've been with him for so long. I know I can stand on my own as I already am, but I guess part of that is some friendships, how that works with family. I am one that has believed in marriage and honestly think that is part of why it's taking me so long to accept my own feelings on the situation. I don't like to make waves is another and with everything, I've often felt that I'm the only one unhappy and that is not enough reason to break up a family. My husband has indicated during fights he is not happy, but otherwise will always pretend everything is perfect and more than once I've heard I'll deal with things (him telling me I will) because we're married. When you have been with someone so long and thought this was for life, that sticks. But at the same time, I have struggled, realized that for a long time my soul was sucked out of me. Anyway, I did start counseling but didn't go back, think I need a different counselor. I don't know, maybe because there is so much, so many years, I don't even know where to start.. I know one of my biggest problems is I don't want to be the bad/evil one in terms of my kids for initiating and we live in a small town and I don't want the other kids to get on my kids, you know, I know it's silly, but i worry about how things will impact them and I don't know anyone that is married but a single parent like I am that can truly relate. I get some sympathy but usually that blank stare like I could never do that, how do you manager, etc. So, anyway, thanks for your suggesiton.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the reason you have few responses is that your post is very hard to read. Huge blocks of texts.. with no paragraphs are not reader-friendly. If you edit your post to break it up into paragraphs you will get more reads.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should probably get back in counseling. What you have is not a marriage. Your husband is leading a life away from you. But then he comes back when it's convenient for him and imposes himself on you. For you to feel good about your marriage, him and our sex life there has to be an emotional connection between the two of you. Apparently he could care less about that. But he still wants the sex when on command. I would feel very used in that situation.

While you might not be legally divorced right now, you are divorced in every other way. The biggest difference is that it owuld be disrupted less by him coming home and expecting things to be his way when he's there.

Does your husband help you out financially?


----------



## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi GetReal
How did you realize (if you have) that you don't love your H anymore?
I am trying to figure it out for myself.
Been married sooo long, I can't tell if I really love him, or if it's because it's all I've known for so long.
I miss him when he's gone, but am never thrilled when he comes home. Sometimes, I even find myself saying "oh great...he's home already".
I know some of that is based on resentment. I complain we don't spend enough time together. Maybe I have been so lonely in the marriage, that while I love him, I'm just used to being alone.
I need to figure it out pretty quick, just can't get to the answer.
I have found that most friends, don't really want to hear it.
They try to be helpful(ish), but quick to react with a "just leave him", so THEY don't have to deal with. It's not their life, they just want YOU to be the fun friend THEY want to hang out with.
At least that's my friends. 
THEY aren't going through it and are supportive, to a degree, and then it gets old for them.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

corpsebride,

If you want to see about rekindling love and passion in your marriage, take a look at the links in my signature block below about building a passionate marriage.


----------



## GetReal (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks for all your resposes. You're right, sorry about the initial block, guess I said more than I intended and didn't take the time to edit. H does help financially, though it's really to offset toys, vacations and such. He pushed and we ended up with a camper and we have a boat he bought this past summer, so really the extra's and to offset spending. We bought this house so it could be maintained under one income and I can do that on my own, I make a good salary. The difference between our incomes is that I'm the regular provider, his fluctuates depending on how often he is gone and for how long, so there are fluxes in our finances.

I know you are all right about this not being a marriage, I know it too. I think my hesitation is it's really all I've ever known as an adult, so yes, a little scary. 

I worry about not seeing my kids for big chunks of time when he is home. But at the same time, I do feel used for sex and everything else. 

As far as how do I know I don't love him? Well, I think it's because I have resented him for so long and went though a period of real hatred toward him to feeling nothing. I am not ever excited to hear from him but rather almost annoyed by the disruption. I don't think about doing anything special for him anymore, I used to but felt unappreciated. I tried little things like poems, putting something in his suitcase and such, but always got accused of trying to cover up for something I supposedly did wrong.

I also feel guilty as in the last few months he's appeared to be trying to put out more affection than he has in years, which means even before the traveling bit, and I guess I feel guilty because I've given up.

I suppose I should try counseling one more time... I just don't know what is the point in waiting.


----------

