# Marriage for the sake of it



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I get the feeling that many people get married because they are raised with the idea that this is something they should do. As if it's a goal or an achievement: finish school - tick, get a job - tick, buy a house - tick, get married - tick, grab some milk on the way home - tick

A potential partner comes along and the process isn't:

I have met someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, they feel the same, decide to marry

it's

I want to get married, this person will marry me, major life goal achieved, tick


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

you can add:

I no longer like this person - tick - i want to be with someone else - tick - divorce -tick - repeat (marry #2, house, milk etc)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

breeze said:


> I get the feeling that many people get married because they are raised with the idea that this is something they should do. As if it's a goal or an achievement: finish school - tick, get a job - tick, buy a house - tick, get married - tick, grab some milk on the way home - tick
> 
> A potential partner comes along and the process isn't:
> 
> ...


Yep! In many ways I feel that is what I did. My ex as well.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> you can add:
> 
> I no longer like this person - tick - i want to be with someone else - tick - divorce -tick - repeat (marry #2, house, milk etc)


Yep, that happens too. A lot.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> you can add:
> 
> 
> 
> I no longer like this person - tick - i want to be with someone else - tick - divorce -tick - repeat (marry #2, house, milk etc)



This does seem to be true of a huge amount of people.

I don't know why we are conditioned to think that we have to get married...have to have kids...have to buy a house exactly what you have expressed.

I would like to think that I would have done everything the same now that I did 15 years ago ie. Marry the same person, buy the same house.
I don't know.

Here is another question...some people think there is such a think as a soul mate. Do you think so? Are we destined to be with only one person for our lifetime? 
I think no we are not destined to be with just one...look at the huge amount of second marriages out there. People grow...you become a different person than you were and find different things attractive as you get older.

There might be a soul mate out there for everyone but are we assured we will meet them?
No IMO

We make our choices and end up with or without who we end up with.

Sorry for the rant.




Sent from my iPhone


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yup, it's what happened to me. Too young to know better. I shouldn't have gotten married. But I did and had two kids that are a blessing. Now to find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with... life is all about failing and learning.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* tic ~ "and to get to candidate #2, whom I might just want to keep time with and perhaps share covert exhilarating, voluminous sex, all without having to be made to leave the cozy confines of my own home, then I may just have to lie to my partner in order to cheat on them!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yup, I have mentioned this as well, there are people who get married because that is what adults are "supposed" to do. Unfortunately this is ingrained in our culture.

An easy way to see this, when 2 people are together but not married, and the longer they are together, watch how often they get asked the question "So when are you finally getting married?". 

Funny enough as well, I think there is a minimal stigma for someone who is not married b/c of divorce, yet if someone never got married it is like there is something wrong with them.

Marriage is not for everyone, nor should it be.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*


breeze said:



I get the feeling that many people get married because they are raised with the idea that this is something they should do. As if it's a goal or an achievement: finish school - tick, get a job - tick, buy a house - tick, get married - tick, grab some milk on the way home - tick

Click to expand...

*


breeze said:


> A potential partner comes along and the process isn't:
> 
> I have met someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, they feel the same, decide to marry
> 
> ...


No Shyte Sherlock!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

citygirl4344 said:


> I would like to think that I would have done everything the same now that I did 15 years ago ie. Marry the same person, buy the same house.
> I don't know.
> 
> Here is another question...some people think there is such a think as a soul mate. Do you think so? Are we destined to be with only one person for our lifetime?
> ...


:iagree: We think so much alike maybe you are my soul mate. :wink2:


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> :iagree: We think so much alike maybe you are my soul mate. :wink2:



And was so easy to find you 
Lol




Sent from my iPhone


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Eh, I got married for more or less that reason. I want to get married, this person will marry me: checked the box.


I figured we would pretty much hate each other for a while, until we learn how to fall in love with each other. 

And that's pretty much exactly what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think many people marry out of need, many people never learn to live alone and the thought of living alone their entire life is terrifying. So they marry...to escape home, for the company, for financial security, to upgrade their life, to have kids, because they think they should....etc.

I do think plenty marry out of love (or lust) initially but once things fall apart they stay married because of that "need" thing again. Kids, dept, fear, finances...etc.

I worked very hard at teaching my kids to be resourceful independent adults so they wouldn't fall into that "need someone" trap, I'm not sure if it worked though, instead of needing to live with a partner they live together! lol


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> you can add:
> 
> I no longer like this person - tick - i want to be with someone else - tick - divorce -tick - repeat (marry #2, house, milk etc)


I don't necessarily agree with this 100% in this scenario. I think people who get married because getting married is something they SHOULD do don't invest much emotionally into their marriage. Thus, I think it's those people that rarely get a divorce, no matter what. For them, marriage is a convenience, a transaction.

It could be, though, that in the end some of them realize that they made a stupid mistake by marrying someone because it was convenient and they want to start over and THIS TIME marry someone for the right reasons.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Annie123 said:


> I don't necessarily agree with this 100% in this scenario. I think people who get married because getting married is something they SHOULD do don't invest much emotionally into their marriage. Thus, I think it's those people that rarely get a divorce, no matter what. For them, marriage is a convenience, a transaction.
> 
> It could be, though, that in the end some of them realize that they made a stupid mistake by marrying someone because it was convenient and they want to start over and THIS TIME marry someone for the right reasons.


I think OP was pointing out that most of us were raised with idea that one day we would marry. Not that we pick just anyone to marry.

It was a good point to ponder.

My comments were in jest.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I think OP was pointing out that most of us were raised with idea that one day we would marry. Not that we pick just anyone to marry.
> 
> It was a good point to ponder.
> 
> My comments were in jest.


Thanks for pointing that out :smile2: Yes, it's true that most of us were raised with the idea of getting married one day but I think this post is also about how some people 'translate' that and how they choose their partner. 

Something like the difference between settling and settling down?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I got married the first time because I really was in love. We married in a town hall, so it wasn't grandiose, it was just us and close family. 

I was, however, young and naive. I'm pretty sure it was really love, not something for the sake of a status. I can't speak for my ex though. I didn't really feel like a partner at times.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

By the time I got married, I was actually concerned that I may marry out of intense feelings of desire for someone. 

By that point, I knew that I could not maintain a feeling forever, so I was pretty sure that anyone I fall in love with, I could just as easily fall out of love with. 

And man, what a scary thought! Especially if I only married because I was in love! 

I decided that whoever I marry, I would love her whether I was in love with her or not. 

I'm not going to say it was easy, but I did eventually fall in love with my wife, and she with me. And now, whenever we just don't "feel" it, for whatever reason, we just go back to the things that we spent years figuring out: how to fall in love with each other.

Falling out of love is not scary at all to us. We have been there before. We will just fall back in love again. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Yup. It's how I found myself engaged to my ex at a young age. It just felt like he checked the boxes, stable job, house, nice car, claimed to love me and wanted to marry me. So I said yes. But I don't think I was ever really in love with him. I was young and thought that's how it was supposed to be. 

Then came the abusive behavior from him. And I got out before the wedding. I smartened up. I looked within and admitted that I was just getting married because it felt like I was supposed to. So when my husband and I started dating, we both took our time. We dated over 3 years before marrying. I knew we loved each other the right way. We knew each other's faults and we accepted them. We argued in a healthy way. We had compatible spending habits and family values. And we always made each other laugh. 

I'm grateful I got a second chance without a nasty divorce.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

citygirl4344 said:


> Here is another question...some people think there is such a think as a soul mate. Do you think so? Are we destined to be with only one person for our lifetime?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


In answer to that question, I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that some people can be so suited to each other that they might think that they are "soul mates" and that these people do well to recognise their potential compatibility and both work to strengthen it with a goal to remaining with that person for their lifetime.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

citygirl4344 said:


> This does seem to be true of a huge amount of people.
> 
> *I don't know why we are conditioned to think that we have to get married...have to have kids...have to buy a house exactly what you have expressed.*


 We are being more conditioned NOW in society to be independent and SHUN marriage.. 

I think when you have been brought up to see some really great marriages.. it has an effect on you...you feel comforted in that atmosphere...the stories.. the memories... I know I felt THIS way.. in regards to my Grandparents marriage for one.. and just the idea of a family.. I seriously wanted that... 

And I say all of this with my own parents -being a Train wreck...ending in divorce.. I remember the fights.. but then I seen how GOOD it was with my step Mother & father.. even though I hated her growing up...she was dam* good to him & still is... 



> Here is another question..*.some people think there is such a think as a soul mate. Do you think so? Are we destined to be with only one person for our lifetime? *
> I think no we are not destined to be with just one...look at the huge amount of second marriages out there. People grow...you become a different person than you were and find different things attractive as you get older.
> 
> There might be a soul mate out there for everyone but are we assured we will meet them?


I did a post on this yrs ago...copying & pasting...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...out-being-soulmates-opinions-appreciated.html



> For many yrs I used the term *Soulmate* in talking about my husband.....cause I always felt I found mine....(He still uses it in regards to me- I'm not going to yell at him for this)....
> 
> But one night yrs ago now.... I caught this Christian Marriage Counselor on TV ....talking about this concept/belief..... and how it has the potential to HURT many marriages...
> 
> ...


Though.. I still LIKE the word and feel it fits for those couples who have weathered storms & can't imagine life without the other..

Some definitions here...










A poster left this on another thread.. 



LadyDee said:


> A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.
> 
> Your soul mate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Celes said:


> Yup. It's how I found myself engaged to my ex at a young age. It just felt like he checked the boxes, stable job, house, nice car, claimed to love me and wanted to marry me. So I said yes. But I don't think I was ever really in love with him. I was young and thought that's how it was supposed to be.
> 
> Then came the abusive behavior from him. And I got out before the wedding. I smartened up. I looked within and admitted that I was just getting married because it felt like I was supposed to. So when my husband and I started dating, we both took our time. We dated over 3 years before marrying. I knew we loved each other the right way. We knew each other's faults and we accepted them. We argued in a healthy way. We had compatible spending habits and family values. And we always made each other laugh.
> 
> I'm grateful I got a second chance without a nasty divorce.


I had a similar revelation prior to marrying. The LTR I was in felt like a freight train, moving slowly towards an inevitable destination (marriage).

I weighed up the pain (emotional) I would feel in ending the relationship vs the pain of trying to make it work every day for the rest of my life and I opted for the relatively quick, intense flash of pain. 

I was alone for a few years. Occasionally I made a half-hearted attempt at dating but it felt forced and pointless. I'd lived in a mediocre match and it would never be enough for me. The likelihood of finding someone I could live with forever seemed astronomically small, so I decided to focus on other things and if I ever met the right person, so be it, if not, so be it. Not long after making that decision, I met DH.

It's not easy, but the bad times don't hit that dangerous low that would make me want to leave, and when we're okay, we're in a place that in my mediocre relationship would've been classified as a fleeting high.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We are being more conditioned NOW in society to be independent and SHUN marriage..


I disagree. I think we are now *starting* to teach our children that they have other options.

Old Options:
If you find someone you want to be with forever, great, get married. 
If you don't find someone like that, just settle for whoever will marry you and get married.

New Options:
If you find someone you want to be with forever, great, get married. 
If you don't, it's all good, you don't need to get married. Don't settle for death by a thousand cuts, there is more to life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

breeze said:


> I disagree. I think we are now *starting* to teach our children that they have other options.
> 
> Old Options:
> If you find someone you want to be with forever, great, get married.
> ...


I get the strong impression Marriage is just a "piece of paper" to the vast majority in society today... this is surely a cultural shift.. some are very pleased with this.. hey.. more variety!.. more freedom!.. no commitments to anyone.. yet children are still being born.. 

It's not something looked up to anymore.. 

When sex comes as easily as it does.. there is very little to No incentive to commit to any woman - a man knows he'll always find another willing to put out & ride him ... Oh even that may get old after awhile.. 

But really... UNLESS a man believes strongly in his Faith, that marriage is something valuable to society...it will continue to decline.. I definitely feel the caring of it , finding it important at all - has been greatly lost ....


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

breeze said:


> I disagree. I think we are now *starting* to teach our children that they have other options.



I agree
I am 35 and growing up every little girl was planning on who they were going to marry and what type of wedding it will be. The message was be whatever you want but you will end up having kids and getting married. I feel like now society has started accepting that yes...people live together as common law and yes some people will never marry for whatever reason.

I have a friend who is 40. Has never been married and probably won't get married...it's not for her. She is concentrating on her career instead of getting married.
I am not saying that people who get married can't have a great career ...obviously not. I am married and my career is soaring. I am saying that is what she chose. And I think society is more accepting of a woman making that choice than 30 or 40 years ago. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

"The beef is that program was... a marriage is what we put into it, where 2 people.....etc...but there is no bonafide soul mate for each other"

I agree...but there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is that one person out there that you are truly meant and destined to be with. Who actually "gets" you.
In essence what @Lady Dee posted.



Sent from my iPhone


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I do believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate, but the way I see it is different from every definition I have ever seen. 

To me, a soul mate is the person I choose to devote my life to and love. I want the best for them, so I will do whatever I can to show them how to love themselves. Even if it hurts me at the time, and even if it hurts them at the time. 

I would much rather see my wife be angry with me for employing a boundary than see her hating herself because she keeps doing something that causes her to hate herself. 

Our actions determine who we are, yes? So, if I want to be a person who I am proud of, someone I love, then I have to show other people love. My soul mate is the one person who I chose to never leave. Who I chose to always love. I love her in order to love myself. And it brings me so much joy to see her learning to love herself. 

She is the person that I have chosen to exercise my soul on. The whole of what I am. She doesn't have to "get me". She doesn't have to love me. She doesn't have to make me feel good. She doesn't have to make my heart flutter. She doesn't have to be anything special at all. I will always love her because it's who I want to be. I will provide her with every motivation I can apply in order to influence her to be someone she loves. 

I can't tell you how it feels to love someone like that. There is nothing special about her, but loving her like that has allowed me to truly love myself. She is good for my soul, but it's not because of her. It's because of me. 

I really love that girl... 

She will be my soul mate for as long as she chooses to be at my side. I will endeavor to bring her as much joy as I want to bring myself. And I really do love to be full of joy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> I do believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate, but the way I see it is different from every definition I have ever seen.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




To me that sounds like a healthy marriage definition. Glad you have found your "one" though. 
I think the point is that everyone has a different definition of soul mate and if such a thing even exists or if it is just some idea that had been made up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

When I got married the first time, it was because I didn't think I could do any better and didn't want to be alone.
When I got married the second time, it was because I found someone who I thought would treat me a lot better than my first wife.
I'm about 20 years into the second marriage, and so far it's working out well.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

citygirl4344 said:


> To me that sounds like a healthy marriage definition. Glad you have found your "one" though.
> I think the point is that everyone has a different definition of soul mate and if such a thing even exists or if it is just some idea that had been made up.


Oh, I understand that. I just don't believe that anyone is special, really. There is nothing special about me... if anyone else did the exact same things I do, they would pretty much be the same person. If anyone did the exact same things my wife does, they would be pretty much the same person. 

And since we can choose our actions, then that leaves me with one truth that I would have to accept; anyone could be a perfect partner for me, if they knew how and chose to be that person. And if that's the case, then there is no sole soul mate. Anyone I am with is my soul mate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> Oh, I understand that. I just don't believe that anyone is special, really. There is nothing special about me... if anyone else did the exact same things I do, they would pretty much be the same person. If anyone did the exact same things my wife does, they would be pretty much the same person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don't think that anyone out there could be the perfect partner for me.
There are basic compatibilities that need to be considered.
We choose our actions yes...but we can not choose to be one type of person based upon what they are looking for.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Oh, we certainly could choose! It's the only thing we really CAN do. 

That doesn't mean we get to choose how we emotionally respond to our environment... that is the part we cannot get past. Humans have a tendency to cling pretty hard to their happy feelings. We have a tendency to blame others for our bad ones. If we weren't so attached to hour happy feelings and so afraid of our negative ones, we would be completely free to be anyone we wanted to be. 

We could look at our spouses and say to ourselves, "the thought of my spouse leaving me really terrifies me. But there is nothing wrong with feeling terrified. Its ok, I accept it. But, I would rather be someone I am proud of, so I am going to confront them with this issue I am having with their behavior."

If we weren't so attached to our happy feelings we would say to ourselves, "I respond emotionally to this new person with happy giddy feelings. I respond to them with arousal. But, being someone I love is more important to me than these temporary feelings, so I am going to find out what I can do to get these feelings in a way that doesn't tarnish me. I am going to work on my marriage."

We can do anything we choose. If we can accept any emotion we feel as perfectly ok, and understand where it is coming from without getting attached to them, then we would be truly free. If we simply observed our emotions and understood them, we would find out how to elicit them in a way that allows us to truly love ourselves.

So, when I say soul mate, I am saying that my wife is who I exercise my love for myself through. Doesn't that seem so selfish when I say it like that? Lol, it IS!

but there is nothing really wrong with that. We are all selfish. But if we truly love ourselves, we cannot help but love others. 

Don't you find it strange that people can hate themselves? They do things they are not proud of, and they hate themselves for it. They will go on hating themselves, and will never forgive themselves. It's the baggage they carry into their relationships. Doesn't that seem silly? Why would anyone choose to hate themselves? They must be crazy!

When I realized that my emotions are merely experiences, they stopped having so much meaning to me. I used to think that my emotions were reality. Then I woke up and realized it was just cold wind on my face. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling cold. I just need to get out of the wind!

If another woman talks to me and takes my breath away, should I feel guilty? What a silly thought! Of course I shouldn't feel guilty. Why punish myself for feeling cold? Get out of the wind! Examine your surroundings, understand the emotion, and tell your partner how to elicit them in you.

That is the answer. Of course, people usually need motivation in order to do so ething that is not their idea, so you will have to observe your spouse closely if you want to influence them. You will have to find out how to push their buttons. 

What a difficult task though, if they are in the same boat. If you feel guilty for your emotional responses, then they probably do to. So, the first thing you would have to do is find a way to show them that you do not judge them at all. Oh that might hurt. But hey, if you don't care if you feel temporary pain, then it won't bother you too much to hear it. Your spouse could literally tell you that you make their stomach turn and it won't crush you. You would simply seek to understand what their emotion is coming from in order to change your own behaviors so that you can elicit a pleasant emotion in them. And selfishly, motivate them to do the same for you. 

There is that word again... selfish. For some reason we identify with it and place a negative label on it. Nobody wants to admit that we are all selfish. We are such a crazy group of beings, aren't we? 

Lol, we are so terrified of our emotions. They seem so important to us. I mean, just look at how we punish ourselves for feeling the "wrong thing". God forbid we get turned on by something weird. Better not let anyone find out! Then they would know how disgusting we are and they couldn't possibly love us. Silly! 

Why should we care so much about what we feel?this idea of a soul mate feeds into that delusion. The delusion being that emotions are what is important. That the world has to be perfect for us in order for us to be happy. We have to find "the one". It's a delusion! Our soul mate is every single person we choose to interact with. Soul mate is simply a label we like to place on our fantasy. 

If you think about it, your soul mate is simply a mirror of you. So, really, it's YOU. someone who knows you perfectly? Yep, thats you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> If you think about it, your soul mate is simply a mirror of you. So, really, it's YOU. someone who knows you perfectly? Yep, thats you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reminds me of when DH turned to me and told me I was the female version of him. Lol.

As for feeling guilt over our emotions. I see that too. I think in many cases guilt causes people to treat their spouse worse than what the thing they feel guilty over did. I see that in my father (and have had to stop myself from doing it); he will massively overreact to something and say something nasty to my mother. He sees he has hurt her and feels guilty. Instead of recognising this and apologising, he transfers the guilt to her and gets even angrier over it, causing more hurt.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I get the strong impression Marriage is just a "piece of paper" to the vast majority in society today... this is surely a cultural shift.. some are very pleased with this.. hey.. more variety!.. more freedom!.. no commitments to anyone.. yet children are still being born..
> 
> It's not something looked up to anymore..
> 
> ...


I agree with this (except the faith part), 100%, and I find it really sad


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Quote:
> 
> Originally Posted by LadyDee View Post
> 
> ...


Yep, that's the way I see it. Though, in truth and reality, there can be more than one person who meets these definitions. It's just very very tough to find them. 

When you really love someone, change is embraced and desired. Knowing each other and loving them enough to love their changes and your own is part of the fun. If we all change, isn't it easier to change along with one person and embrace their changes than to constantly look for someone new who is in the same place we are?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"When I got married the first time, it was because I didn't think I could do any better and didn't want to be alone."

Yikes! Please tell us how your marriage proposal went. I imagine these reasons are employed by a great number of people (especially as people age) but they seem rather selfish.

As long as the partner was clued in to the motives for the proposal, no harm no foul I guess. It's just sad that you didn't have the jumping up and down thrill that you got the best babe ever.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Falling out of love is not scary at all to us. We have been there before. We will just fall back in love again."

Best attitude for a long-term marriage. It is necessary to point out that one or both partners has to have a burning flame or the situation could progress to divorce.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "Falling out of love is not scary at all to us. We have been there before. We will just fall back in love again."
> 
> 
> 
> Best attitude for a long-term marriage. It is necessary to point out that one or both partners has to have a burning flame or the situation could progress to divorce.




Fall back in love.
Depends entirely on why you fell out of love in the first place I think.


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