# Just found out wife of 21 years had affair



## loneguyland (Mar 10, 2011)

As the title says, I have been married for 21 years to my wife, with 2 children. I began to suspect something was going on a few weeks ago. The signs that triggered me were all of a sudden becoming active at the gym and taking phone calls and leaving the room to talk. 
About a week ago, she took off of work to run several errands and go to the doctor. She called me right before lunch, but I missed the call. I tried to call her several times, but there was no answer. I was split between being concerned and being suspicious. I had setup her iPhone with the 'Find-my-phone" feature a few days earlier, so I pulled up the moble.me website and used the GPS in her phone to locate her. The location was at a hotel with risque themed rooms meant for romping. We had even discussed going there a few weeks earlier. 
I was crushed, I couldn't believe my eyes. Later that day, I had a doctors appt. and she met me there. She walked in smiled and kissed me like there was nothing wrong. I had to sit through the visit without saying anything because we weren't alone. 
I confronted her after we left the doctors office, and I told her I knew where she was and even gave the hotel name. I knew she was there for over 2 hours. She denied everything and told me the software didn't work right, and she got very angry. That was monday, a day later she finally admitted to being there, but she only sat in the car and was talking with a co-worker. I had already started digging through phone records and was blown away with what I found. 
It was not a co-worker, it was my cousin. He is a police officer and has a very irregular schedule, which I found a copy of in my wifes purse. At first she said they didn't do anything, but that story didn't last 1 minute with me by that point. She admitted to having sex with him at the hotel. It had taken from Monday to Friday to punch through all of the lies.
The phone records I found revealed she had been sending text messages to him for the last 4 months, at least 50 a day, most days many more. She was also sending him pictures of herself to him, pictures she would take in our bed. She would take these pictures while I was in the bathroom or the shower or in the next room watching TV. 
She swears that the day I caught her was the first time they got physical, I don't know what to believe looking at those records. She has been telling that she is sorry and hate the pain she is causing me. I have been sleeping very little and crying a lot. I was staying in out bedroom most of the time afterwork, but now that I know she sent pictures from our bed, it feels as if the affair has been brought into our bedroom. I feel very uncomfortable there. 
She says she doesn't want to split up (she got quite hysterical discussing that outcome), and she seems to be very sorry for what she did. Notice I keep using terms like, "she said" and "she seems". As can be expected, trust is non-existent right now. I am shattered by this. 
I have informed my cousin that i know everything in a text message, then blocked his number after sending it. My wife has promised to have no contact with him ever again. BTW, he is married for 25 years with 2 children. 
I have agreed to make no important decisions while I am feeling the level of hurt and anger that I am experiencing right now. We have both agreed (actually, I'm pleading) to find a marriage counselor right away. My biggest fears concerning what my part will be in this effort are, being able to get over it and being able to be intimate with seeing these images in my head. 
Thanks for letting me rant.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here, I was at were you are at back in Feb. '10 so its been a years since I discover the nightmare.

#1 rule do a no contact letter and both sign it and watch her send it. Check out Affaircare for examples of the kind of of things to include in the letter. Gets some books, believe it or not this cheating crap has a script. It will help in coping.

So thing keep in mind that you will still need to keep investigating her activity. This will give a better handle on her commitment and validate the NC letter.

Getting confirmation through your own sources that there is NC you will have a good chance on working this out as long as OM is out of the picture.

Do your research there is a lot of info on line that will help you through this. but there has to be NC. In the mean time stop cring.. no begging or pleading. It is way more attractive to show confidence and strenght in that you will get throught this with or with out her.

If you find them back in contact and for most addict they just can't help it so be prepared. There is also good info on this sit that will help you in fighting the affair.

Again there is some great stuff that will help you. This crap has a script, and it will prepare you and help you understand why she does the things she does after the discovery.

My wife and many other responded exactly like your wife did and even said the exact same things your wife said and did... that is how scripted this cheat thing is. 

So show confidence and strength and confirm NC. thats the start.
there is alot more steps that you still need to go through depending on how good the NC letter is working.

Things like expose, and the 180.
I could go on and on so keep posting and get informed you will need the information in dealing with this sh*t.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree RWB
I could not and would not move on with W if I didn't get all the details. I took a couple of moths of trickel truth, but I got most of it. 

My W was at it for 14 years, with 20 boytoys, most where ONS (one night stands)


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Follow the guides to ending an affair do what is best for you. She will say things that sound like an evil twin or alien. You know the truth. No matter what problems your marriage had she made the final decision to go outside the M. Read educate yourself, knowledge is power, and comfort.

For me i have not found out all the details I don't really want to. It happened it shouldn't have, end of story where do we go from here.

Hang on it's one heck of a roller coaster.
Breathe, you WILL get through this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am sorry your lying wife is still in damage control mode.

If you look into the cheater's playbook yo will notice that they always say it only happened the one time you have them busted for.

But you know what?

You would do well to presume it has been going on for as long as they've been in contact.

Get tested for STDs and insist she get tested too.

No contact and insist on marriage counseling.

Be firm. She is still lying to you. There is far more to her story.


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## loneguyland (Mar 10, 2011)

Thank you for the responses.

It has been a very rough week for me. I feel it is going to get rougher though. There have been several occasions in our marriage that I suspected something wasn't right, and even spoke to her about it at the time. What I received back on all of those occasions was the same denials she started to give me this time. Almost to the word.

The difference was this time I had proof.

I would love to believe what she is telling me now, but looking back at those occasions and reading up more on the way people lie about this leads to my gut feeling that there is more.

I also feel she is dragging her feet on finding a counselor (she has been handling all medical coordination up to now for our family), usually when someone needs to see a doctor it happens in a day or 2 that we have an appt. scheduled. If today ends without a scheduled appt. I will be taking over finding a counselor.

I warned her that these counselors are trained professionals and they have already heard it all with regard to deceptions in this area. I told her several times to give me all the bad news right away instead of killing me with the drip-drip.

Had the discussion yesterday that if there is more to tell me, tell me before we see a counselor. Any bad discoveries after we walk into the session will probably be deal breakers. That got her very quiet for a while after I finished saying that. I am sort of expecting more revelations, probably right before we go into the session. Or she might see the session as a safe-zone to reveal more. I don't know, but as much as I want to believe her, I just can't shake the feeling that there is more, maybe much more she isn't telling for fear of my reaction.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can tell you that your reaction will be key. My wife exploded when I started telling her the details of my affair so I just cut it short. Sometimes I wish I told her everything but her reaction was so over the top (not that I blame her) that I didn't want to go down that road.

I think giving her to the session (or even through the session) calmly is a good idea.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't approach the counseling as a way to punish her.

I can see that you hope to have validation that you have not been crazy wondering if she is cheating.

Use the counseling as a crutch towards clarifying what has happened, where you are today, and where yo want to be tomorrow--with or without her.


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## loneguyland (Mar 10, 2011)

I don;t view counseling as punishment of any sort. I am searching for some mechanisms to deal with the tempest I find myself in. She was also very positive about counseling, and just called me with information about 2 places. She told me they took our information and would call back in a few days. I'll take her word on that front.

One reaction I am concerned about is her reaction to me looking up information on polygraph tests. She sort of flipped out. She said I was treating her like a criminal. I had to stop short when she said that, because she used the same exact words when I demanded the password to her verizon account to view the online records. Those records were, by themselves, proof of an affair. Just before she gave me the password (she had changed it after I said I was going to verify her story), she spilled that it had been my cousin all along and I was right in my suspicions. But right before she realized she was cornered, she told me I was treating her like a criminal.

Doesn't she realize she is saying the same things over and over again?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

loneguyland said:


> I warned her that these counselors are trained professionals and they have already heard it all with regard to deceptions in this area. I told her several times to give me all the bad news right away instead of killing me with the drip-drip.
> 
> Had the discussion yesterday that if there is more to tell me, tell me before we see a counselor. Any bad discoveries after we walk into the session will probably be deal breakers.


This is why I made the comment.

I hope you find what you want out of this process.

Having cheating wife, trust me I know, is about the worst thing a husband has to deal with.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I hate to see this happen to you. My wife did the exact same thing, naked pictures from the bedroom and all. She hooked up with a former flame from high school and I can tell you, there are few things in life as embarrassing as reading about her having so much fun with ole boy at some hotel room the previous month while laughing about your lack of skills in comparison.

My problem was that I played the 'nice guy' role to a tee. I was always available to keep the kids when she wanted to go out, wouldn't get upset after she spent a small fortune, or when she'd complain about me not catering to her emotional needs enough. No more. Not only is the trust gone but that 'nice guy' she slept around on is, too. Last night was the first time she offered sex, only for me to turn her down and go to sleep. Now she's paying me more attention than ever because she thinks I'm trying to return the favor and screw around on her. Amazing how fast they come around after putting a little a-hole in the mix...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiredWifeVA (Mar 10, 2011)

Sorry to hear what you (and I'm sure many) others are going through. Similiar, I am a wife of 16 years and found out last April that my husband had another affair (third). The first was in 2000 and the second was in 2004. On top of that, I spent about 9 years dealing with a prescription drug addition that resulted in lies after lies. I believe trust (along with communication) is the foundation for a healthy marriage. I forgave him in 2000 because I thought it was a one-time occurence. In 2004, I was carrying our third child and it took every ounce of strength to find forgiveness. In 2010, I didn't think I had it in my to forgive, but I did. This last year, however, has been extremely difficult and unhealthy for both of us. He has not allowed me to regain his trust (i.e., won't let me look at his phone, hides his phone statements, etc.) I stuggle every day with spiciousness and wondering if what he's saying is true or untrue (it's torture). It would be great if he could come clean and make me feel comfortable so I can move forward. I believe you going to counseling is a good start. However, keep in mind that you both need to want the same thing; otherwise, it probably won't work. If you're like me, the road ahead will be hard. But you have one thing going for you - you can feel good about yourself, who you are and what you've done. What happened to the spirit of marriage and "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I have erased my post 4 times here, because they always turn into posts that basically say "WTH DUDE" 

So.. as attempt #5 is typed i am calmly going to say this.

I am very sorry sir, I know that you have had this ENRON stock for 21 years, and it brings me joy to tell you that your stock is now worthless. Please sell the farm, and start anew.

Cousin.... this isnt just a broken moral compass. 

I always say that we can never "unlearn" something. and that is true.. but the fact that MOST of us do not personally know the Other Man , makes forgiveness easier. 

This will never go away. You will 90 and still know that woman next to you on the porch let your cousin put his... dude.. just leave her. seriously. 

And God Bless you. Really man. I hope God has big plans for you.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

If u have seen my post you know I am not on the just leave her page. However take a step back breathe evaluate everything take notes. You may want to save it you may not . The A and no contact needs to happen for any chance to reconcile. Everyone has different tolerances search for the 180 thread.

I am looking at the lifetime picture in my case, still have kids to raise. W and I are not war of the roses.
Her OM my BIL/ FORMER BEST FRIEND.

Insulate yourself against to much outside input but gain enough info to help u.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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