# Confused



## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

Sorry this will be long. To start out my wife and I have been married for 3 years together for 4. I was married before and she wasn't. We both brought kids into the relationship, I had 3 she had 1. Everything was awesome the first 6 months and I was blown away with her until the exes came back in the picture. They wanted visitations which were fine but my wife now would always scrutinize my exes visitation. If she couldn't get them by 6:00 on Friday my wife now wanted her to forfeit her visitation. At this point my ex had stage 4 cervical cancer so I would allow her to get the kids even if she didn't show up at 6 on the dot cause I understood she had chemo and stuff to attend. That led to me and my wife fighting every visitation. Fast forward to now. My ex wife passed away 2 years ago and we still fight over her. My wife has anger and control issues even with the kids. She has told me that she couldn't stand to be around 2 of my kids from my first marriage and how they can't do anything right. So naturally I protect them and we fight. It's got to the pint to where we fight almost everyday over petty stuff. We wer even going to get a divorce a month ago but decided to work it out. As soon as we talked about separating she got an apartment lined, separate checking account and contacted an attorney in the same day. Blaming me for everything. We now have a1 & 2 yo together and expecting another in may. I have a job but she wants to tell me when to go in and what time I need to be home. Throughout the years she has dictated my decisions indirectly. If I make a decision she doesn't like its a fight. She's called me names, threw stuff at me and criticized everything I do for our entire relationship. Now she's trying to control my schedule at work and home. She says she's never wrong and I'll never win an argument with her. She also has poor relationships with her family. They can't stand to be around her. It's almost like she wants to fight. I'm trying everything I can to keep her calm and happy but it's taking a toll on me. I'm nervous at work cause I may not be home on time and I'm on eggshells around her and so are the kids. Is this hormones or does she have a lot of issues that I can't fix?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mseward_01 said:


> Sorry this will be long. To start out my wife and I have been married for 3 years together for 4. I was married before and she wasn't. We both brought kids into the relationship, I had 3 she had 1. Everything was awesome the first 6 months and I was blown away with her until the exes came back in the picture. They wanted visitations which were fine but my wife now would always scrutinize my exes visitation. If she couldn't get them by 6:00 on Friday my wife now wanted her to forfeit her visitation. At this point my ex had stage 4 cervical cancer so I would allow her to get the kids even if she didn't show up at 6 on the dot cause I understood she had chemo and stuff to attend. That led to me and my wife fighting every visitation. Fast forward to now. My ex wife passed away 2 years ago and we still fight over her. My wife has anger and control issues even with the kids. She has told me that she couldn't stand to be around 2 of my kids from my first marriage and how they can't do anything right. So naturally I protect them and we fight. It's got to the pint to where we fight almost everyday over petty stuff. We wer even going to get a divorce a month ago but decided to work it out. As soon as we talked about separating she got an apartment lined, separate checking account and contacted an attorney in the same day. Blaming me for everything. We now have a1 & 2 yo together and expecting another in may. I have a job but she wants to tell me when to go in and what time I need to be home. Throughout the years she has dictated my decisions indirectly. If I make a decision she doesn't like its a fight. She's called me names, threw stuff at me and criticized everything I do for our entire relationship. Now she's trying to control my schedule at work and home. She says she's never wrong and I'll never win an argument with her. She also has poor relationships with her family. They can't stand to be around her. It's almost like she wants to fight. I'm trying everything I can to keep her calm and happy but it's taking a toll on me. I'm nervous at work cause I may not be home on time and I'm on eggshells around her and so are the kids. Is this hormones or *does she have a lot of issues that I can't fix?*


Sounds like it.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Leave the woman. ASAP


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Children from previous marriages/relationships are the number one reason second marriages end in divorce. She has control issues. It might be hormornal too since she is pregnant. I'm not sure why you kept having children with her if you are now thinking about divorce. So sad your children have gone though one divorce, the death of their Mom and now the turmoil in your current marriage. Maybe some sort of counseling would help before you go through another divorce.


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

I didn't plan on having babies she just kept getting pregnant even while using protection. I'm getting fixed in the next couple of months. We've talked about our problems and I feel like she's trying. I just wonder if this will be a circle over and over?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Break the cycle by doing something different. Detach from her to give yourself some emotional distance to get a more objective outlook. She may not simply be relationship material. She also may have a point with your children, and you need to take an objective look at what she claims, and if there is any validity. I wouldn't put up with the way your wife treats them, or talks about them, but nonetheless, you even need to take a more objective look at your children. If there is any issues with them, you need to be objective enough to take the correct course, just like with your wife.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am going to start a new acronym that will break all usage records on this forum. Introducing SRB, spoiled rotten brat. So much of what I read here is attributable to this that it needed to be instituted.

OP, your wife is immature and used to having her own way. If she were physically 11 yo I would advise a firm spanking but since she is only mentally 11 yo.... You know what, I am still going to go with spanking. Only instead of a switch across her backside you can use what most other posters use in its place, D. Good luck


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *mseward_01 said* : * If she couldn't get them by 6:00 on Friday my wife now wanted her to forfeit her visitation. At this point my ex had stage 4 cervical cancer so I would allow her to get the kids even if she didn't show up at 6 on the dot cause I understood she had chemo and stuff to attend. That led to me and my wife fighting every visitation*.


 This is just very UGLY -UNACCEPTABLE behavior .. I want to commend *you* for fighting for your Ex's RIGHT to see her kids during this most difficult time in her life...knowing she needed to breathe in & enjoy every moment with her children.... if there was anything she needed ...it would have been THIS... so good for you - for sparing her this drama ..standing up to your wife... 

When someone is going through chemotherapy... I don't care if they are an EX.. .you try to understand what they are going through and give them some leeway....too bad you didn't get out sooner...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mseward_01 said:


> I didn't plan on having babies *she just kept getting pregnant even while using protection.* I'm getting fixed in the next couple of months. We've talked about our problems and I feel like she's trying. I just wonder if this will be a circle over and over?


Uhhh...

Do I really need to say it...?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in the hell would you be walking on egg shells and trying to calm her down?????

Phuck that!!

You should be a bull in a china shop and stop taking her crap...

She needs to see a confident guy that has no problem finding a replacement.

It's time to raise your attraction level by commanding respect and being able to let your old lady go if she doesn't shape up.

You may need to keep reminding her were the door is. Asking her to leave and helping her pack might show her you are not phucking around.

Is she that good in bed you are afraid to lose her?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh...
> 
> Do I really need to say it...?


I'll say it. She keeps getting pregnant while YOU'RE using protection? Who's not using protection? D N A


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

I left today after another weekend of fighting. She's making me feel guilty.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What originally attracted you to her in the first place?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Has she been told that she has crossed way to many boundaries and that not excepting her part in the unhealthy marriage and blaming you is just another reason you need to let her go?

She needs to under stand that you are emotionally protecting your self and will not be bullied in to more emotional torture from her abusive behavior?


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

To be honest I was vulnerable and had just went thru a divorce. I think I was attracted when I seen how good she treated my kids. Now it's a different ball game. We fight over my kids all the time and how worthless they are.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

mseward_01 said:


> To be honest I was vulnerable and had just went thru a divorce. I think I was attracted when I seen how good she treated my kids. Now it's a different ball game. We fight over my kids all the time and how worthless they are.


Gosh, that is so sad . Your kids are definitely the biggest losers here . (I don't mean they are losers like your wife seems to think). 

She sounds like she has issues. I have no advice, just sympathy!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

How old are your kids?


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

12 10 and 8


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

You've left, you mean moved out? Have you taken your children? Good, now you can start deciding whether you want to be with her, on a more objective basis.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your wife? I have a sister-in-law who is so much like your wife. Women like your wife gets worse with age. I'm a woman, 56 years of age, and has observe women behaving like your wife. This is a very jealous woman and has some mental issues. She doesn't get along with anyone, even her own family.

She already attempted to divorce you by separating accounts & hiring a lawyer. Instead of leaving, she gets pregnant even with protection. What kind of protection? I advise for you to get a vasectomy as soon as possible and DNA this kid, just to be sure that the child is your responsibility.

You need to see a psychologist to get your head straight. You still have the other children to care for. She doesn't care about your children from your previous marriage. I don't know if marriage counseling can help your jealous wife, but it's worth a try if you wish to save your marriage. On the other hand, you can see a divorce lawyer to protect your assets if you can no longer stand your situation. Your call...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Awwww..... 12, 10 and 8, they aren't even old enough to be worthless! 

That's a really crappy thing for her to say about your kids. She KNEW y'all were a package deal. MAYBE she is having a hard time being a stepmom, or going from mom of one to mom of 6... Which is a huge life change for her. But that doesn't mean she should be sh*tty about it. 

IF you want this to work.... and its possible that it never will.... then the very LEAST needed is mandatory counseling. 

In the meantime, take care of those kids. It soooooooo sucks when you are a little kid and your mom dies. Be the best dad you can be to ALL your kids. If you divorce her, do it as amicably as possible....for the little ones. 

Gather a support system around you and your kids.... you are going to need it.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

12, 8, and 10? 

Give me a break! They are children! How can children be worthless! 

If you hadn't mentioned her behavior with your ex wife I would say that perhaps hormones are sending her off the deep end, but her lack of empathy is unconscionable! She may not be worth it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife's unbelievable lack of compassion towards your dying ex wife is breathtaking! I'm speechless at how callous her attitude was!!

Honestly, that should have been a red flag right there...


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

mseward_01 said:


> To be honest I was vulnerable and had just went thru a divorce. I think I was attracted when I seen how good she treated my kids. Now it's a different ball game. We fight over my kids all the time and how worthless they are.



We all make bad decisions when we are on the "Rebound" but most people do not stay in a relationship this long unless there is some type of feelings, maybe you thought she would change, or maybe you thought that you could help her in some way. I can say from experience that someone like her is never going to change. I am not even going to get into what your kids have likely been going through, first when she made a big deal about pick up times and such when you wife was sick (which btw was none of her business, I am in a blended family and that is not something that should be done!), and then later after their Mother had died. Has she even been any comfort to them during all of this? That is something to think about, they could be emotionally fragile for years, I lost my Mom when I was 42 and it devastated me, so I can only imagine the impact it would have on smaller children. I know we are supposed to put our spouses first when we are married, but not when children involved that are likely being emotionally abused by the other spouse, and yes I said that, because even if you don't know it, if she is complaining to you about them, you can bet she is doing it to them as well. Children are much more perceptive than we even realize. There is also the fact that your kids have NO other parent to take up for them, but you! It sounds to me like she is spoiled, self-absorbed, and controlling, and even if I had to pay all my check to child support, I would get out as soon as I could. This is a really sad situation, but consider your kids, and your self-esteem, because ultimately she is saying that you are not a good parent if your kids are worthless.


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

Thank you all for the replies. I'll keep u posted.


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

I went back until tonite. We got into it and I left to not go back. Her little boy was so upset it killed me. My little girl is sick and I'm not there to take care of her. Do u all think I did the right thing? Why is it so hard? Do u all think I'm giving up on my other babies?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mseward_01 said:


> My wife has anger and control issues even with the kids. She has told me that she couldn't stand to be around 2 of my kids from my first marriage and how they can't do anything right.


Seward, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feeling of entitlement, lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.



> *I'm on eggshells around her* and so are the kids.


If your W has strong BPD traits, this is exactly how you would be feeling while living with her. That's why _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the name of the best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused spouses and other family members.



> Do u all think I'm giving up on my other babies?


I believe you should speak with an attorney ASAP about this question. Generally, it is VERY unwise to move out of the home because, during the custody fight, you will be portrayed as a man who "abandoned" wife and children. Yet, this may not be an important factor in your case given that 3 of them are yours and one is hers -- and the fifth has yet to be born. But ask an attorney.



> Is this hormones or does she have a lot of issues that I can't fix?


Seward, if you determine you're seeing strong BPD traits, an important issue is how long this has been going on. At issue, then, would be whether you're seeing a temporary flareup of BPD traits or, instead, a persistent problem. With regard to that important distinction, I note that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet exhibits BPD traits to some degree -- and to varying degrees at various stages of life. 

During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again, for several years, when our hormones are raging during the teens. The "flareups" of BPD traits to strong levels can occur again -- for a year or two -- whenever there is a strong hormone change, as can occur during pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, or with a severe head injury. I mention this because you say your W is now pregnant.

Yet, when strong BPD traits are a _persistent_ personality problem, they do not disappear for years at a time. Instead, they typically start showing themselves very strongly at puberty and will entirely disappear only during the intense infatuation period, which typically lasts 4 to 6 months. The traits disappear during that courtship period because the BPDer's infatuation convinces her that she has met the nearly perfect man who has arrived to save her from unhappiness. 

In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Of course, those fears quickly return when the infatuation start evaporating -- at which time her partner will start triggering those fears and seeing the resulting anger. I mention this because you say her anger issues began just 6 months into your marriage -- over two years before she became pregnant.

I therefore join Roselyn in recommending that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Seward.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

she is disrespectful and critical of you and she keeps having children even though you're using protection. you need to DNA thE children to make sure she is not cheating on you


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## mseward_01 (Jan 17, 2015)

Hey guys. She has now moved into her own apartment since this weekend. I stayed and helped her set up her new place. We went to a counseling session together before she moved but I got the same results that I do at home, poor communication. I did not ask her to stay this time like I did before and she moved. She has made me feel guilty saying everything was my fault. I've been seeking counseling as well individually. He told me I was a people pleaser and that she sounded controlling. What lies ahead? Does it get better?


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