# Pregnancy while separated



## KJ8132 (Aug 3, 2020)

My husband and I separated for the 2nd time August of 2019 due to his drug addiction. I thought it was over for good. I told him I wanted a divorce. In January I talked him into getting clean and getting a shot to stop cravings for his addiction. He got the shot and has been clean ever since. So in January I decided to give it another shot. Things have been ok... A few ups and downs, but he's been clean for 6 months. Well he just told me that while we were separated he got someone pregnant and the baby is due in a couple weeks. He said he's known since December. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. I am really upset as I have a child with him, and my child is his only child. I just don't think I can deal with him having another child. If he would have told me this in January, we would not have gotten back together... I'm so mad I wasted more time! It's tough though because we were legally married, but I told him I definitely wanted a divorce due to his addiction... Do I have the right to be mad and want to end my marriage? Or should I try to deal with this? He claims the girl doesn't want to come between his marriage and she is not putting him on child support. I don't know what to do!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Omg yes you have every right to be mad, get anger at him...and yes divorce the sob...you dealt with a drug addicted spouse now on top of that a cheater....sorry game over man.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I don’t think he’s a cheater because you had ended things. But, he did lie to you and by not telling you it changed what you would have done. 

You don’t have anything to feel guilty about if you decide to end things now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The two of you were separated and heading for divorce. He had the right to see anyone he wanted to, just like you did. You made the choice to try again after you said you were finished.

Did you ask if he was seeing anyone during the separation?

Did you see anyone during your separation?

He did tell you that he has a child from this other person. Granted it was right before the birth.

Up to you with what you do now. He didn’t cheat unless he was seeing this person before you 2 separated.

Hope you find peace with the situation and with what you decide to do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You absolutely have the right to be mad that he waited so long to tell you about a pregnancy he’s known about for many months and to end the marriage because of it. Keep in mind that she has every right to file for child support whenever she decides to. And she probably will at some point because why not get money your child is entitled to. Is he planning on being part of the child’s life? Even if he says he isn’t that doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind later. This is a long-term situation that will potentially change his life, your life and your child’s life forever. Not everyone would want to be part of that. You’ll have to decide if you do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You were separated and you made it clear to your husband that you were going to divorce. Unless you two had a conversation about other partners and both agreed not to see anyone else, no, you cannot claim infidelity.

That being said, you DO still have the right to be mad, upset, and want to end things. He lied a hid a HUGE thing, further complicated your situation, and didn't give you the opportunity to decide for yourself before wasting more time. He should have told you about the baby right away, not two weeks before the due date.

People can end their marriages for any reason these days. If this is a dealbreaker for you, and it would be for a lot of people, then you have every right to wish him well and walk away. The lying aside, dealing with this other child is a huge ask.

The child's mother will always be in your lives if you stay together, and at any moment she could become a living hell. It might be very hard for you to see them together. Your schedule will now be dictated by the custody of the new child. How will they do custody with a newborn? Chances are he will be going to her house very often, will you be able to handle that? Does he have a job, or does he expect you to pay for his other child?

If you want to divorce, you have every right to do that.

One tip... You need to speak to an attorney ASAP. It may be in your best interest financially to file for child support _before _this other girl does (don't believe she won't).


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

This one is tough.. you were separated, so I don't count it as cheating, per se...BUT, when you did get back together, he withheld the information from you for all that time, and that's not okay, it's something that truly justifies your anger. Either way, this child is going to be in your life somehow (it will now be the sibling of YOUR child). SO, you can stay with your husband and deal with it, or leave if you feel like it's something you can't tolerate, because you just don't want to picture him sleeping with someone else. Either way, you won't be wrong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He should have told you, but he didn't. Why? To reduce the risk of upsetting you or hurting you? No. So he wouldn't look like the bad guy. 

It's not so much the fact that he was seeing someone else, it's the fact that he withheld some very germane information from you. For the best part of a year. That's an awfully large number of missed opportunities to come clean, isn't it?

And she isn't going to claim for child support? Why on earth not? Is she an heiress?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You were still married so it is still adultry. However if you had already said you were divorcing then in his mind he was available to jump in the next bed he had chance to. Which it appears he did pretty quick. 
It is evident he had no intent to reconcile the situation by how quickly he bedded another. 

You need to check on child support laws in your state. Where i am the one child who is filed on first gets the larger amount. You may need to file to secure for your child. If ol girl gets assistance they will go after you hubby. Other girl will have no say. If he wanted to get back with you he would have fought for you....not jump in the sack at first opportunity.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And she isn't going to claim for child support? Why on earth not? Is she an heiress?


Did he say that or did she say that?
You better see a lawyer to see what he is liable to be responsible for.
Does he want to be in the child's life?
Do you want to be part of the child's life?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

OP, did you date while separated?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KJ8132 said:


> My husband and I separated for the 2nd time August of 2019 due to his drug addiction. I thought it was over for good. I told him I wanted a divorce. In January I talked him into getting clean and getting a shot to stop cravings for his addiction. He got the shot and has been clean ever since. So in January I decided to give it another shot. Things have been ok... A few ups and downs, but he's been clean for 6 months. Well he just told me that while we were separated he got someone pregnant and the baby is due in a couple weeks. He said he's known since December. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. I am really upset as I have a child with him, and my child is his only child. I just don't think I can deal with him having another child. If he would have told me this in January, we would not have gotten back together... I'm so mad I wasted more time! It's tough though because we were legally married, but I told him I definitely wanted a divorce due to his addiction... Do I have the right to be mad and want to end my marriage? Or should I try to deal with this? He claims the girl doesn't want to come between his marriage and she is not putting him on child support. I don't know what to do!


He does not get a pass on this. Technically he was still married. He should have told you about the other woman and the baby before you two got back together. 

While he's saying that she will not come after him for child support, she most likely will. That money will come out of your joint income. Is he really going to just ignore this child? Or will you end up raising the child when he was visitation?

You have every right to end this marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course you have every right, he lied to you for all this time. Addicts even if they are clean cannot be trusted. There are no guarantees with this relationship. Being clean does not change the addicts personality, the same behaviours will continue. I think you should seek some space away from him and get some counselling to work through your own emotions and what it is that YOU want. Then make you decision.
This will not be the last time he lies to you, think about that. do you want to wake up 10 years from now and you are still in the same boat? the risks are high.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

KJ8132 said:


> she is not putting him on child support.


Why would he not want to provide for his child, to be a father to his child? Are you saying he will just ignore the child? I don't see how a person could not be in his child's life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OutofRetirement said:


> Why would he not want to provide for his child, to be a father to his child? Are you saying he will just ignore the child? I don't see how a person could not be in his child's life.


That's a very good point. Not sure I'd be happy with such a heartless, feckless person being in my life.


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## KJ8132 (Aug 3, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> Why would he not want to provide for his child, to be a father to his child? Are you saying he will just ignore the child? I don't see how a person could not be in his child's life.


How does me saying she's not going to put him on child support translate into him not providing or being there? Being put on child support is done through a court order... That's what I'm talking about.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

KJ8132 said:


> My husband and I separated for the 2nd time August of 2019 due to his drug addiction. I thought it was over for good. I told him I wanted a divorce. In January I talked him into getting clean and getting a shot to stop cravings for his addiction. He got the shot and has been clean ever since. So in January I decided to give it another shot. Things have been ok... A few ups and downs, but he's been clean for 6 months. Well he just told me that while we were separated he got someone pregnant and the baby is due in a couple weeks. He said he's known since December. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. I am really upset as I have a child with him, and my child is his only child. I just don't think I can deal with him having another child. If he would have told me this in January, we would not have gotten back together... I'm so mad I wasted more time! It's tough though because we were legally married, but I told him I definitely wanted a divorce due to his addiction... Do I have the right to be mad and want to end my marriage? Or should I try to deal with this? He claims the girl doesn't want to come between his marriage and she is not putting him on child support. I don't know what to do!


I didn't read the responses but I know how this board is. There were probably a bunch of people telling you he committed adultery or cheated on you. But he didn't. Yes, you and he were still married but whenever there is a separation, the individual(s) consider themselves free, even if they don't want to be separated. On average, people do see others. And that also applies when they're on a break and not understood to be permanently over. It's only if and when people have reason to see it differently - like joining boards like this - that they learn they were supposed to wait until the divorce is final. Otherwise, it's considered adultery. But he didn't cheat on you if that is what you're thinking or if it's what anyone told you. So if you want to stay with your husband, you can do it without animosity. The only thing I would fault him for is not telling you sooner. I can understand he wanted to avoid facing that music, but you determine for yourself if he is normally an irresponsible person. You certainly know him better than we do. To me, becoming addicted to drugs is major irresponsible, but this is for you to decide.

Just want to share a story to give you a different perspective because I know you're hurting right now. It just might help a little bit.

I have a life-long friend, who had a daughter with her boyfriend (and 10 years later had a son with him). They have spent the last 40-something years together on and off. Mostly off. I always felt she was so in love with him but that to him she was just a convenience. I hated it when he would see other women on her, and I hated it when he'd have other kids with these women. There was at least one occasion where he broke up with her because he met someone who threw money at him all the time. He told her "It's just about the money, you understand." She never really voiced how she felt about his philandering ways, but she did express how she felt about the children (3 total) that resulted from some of his different relationships. I asked her how could she have these kids in her home, and she answered "Because they are my daughter's siblings, and I want them to know each other and have a relationship" She treated all these kids as her own. She showered them with love, hugs, and kisses like her own. She bought for them and made sure they had things they needed like her own. She'd have them at her house for weeks at a time and always made sure there was a place for them. She never made a difference. I thought it very admirable, and I loved her as a friend that much more.

The average woman in your shoes would never want her husband's love child in her home. Frankly, a lot of women couldn't bring themselves to even look at such a child. I just wanted to tell you that story to remind you that it's not the child's fault. No matter how angry you are with your husband, this child didn't ask to come here. So if you struggle with any misplaced aggression, please try to remember that. And try to think of him/her as your child's sibling because your husband SHOULD be a part of that child's life, and you should not try to interfere with that. In fact, you should encourage it. Whether you make room in your heart or your home is up to you, but please try not to be resentful of the child or blame him/her for existing.

In addition to being a part of the child's life, your husband should also pay child support. The girl is saying she won't make him, but she will. Maybe not tomorrow or next month, but she will eventually. But another fact is that your husband should do the right thing. He should take responsibility and voluntarily set up payments with the court. He can do this without the expense of having to hire an attorney.

But you can limit the amount that he has to pay so that not quite as much money has to leave your family finances. If you go and file for child support right now, then how much he will be ordered to pay her will be less because they don't go by the number of children he has, and they don't take any of his other financial responsibilities into consideration. All they want to know is how much he earns (so they have a basis for calculating) and whether or not he pays child support already because the first one that files gets the lion's share. So you should be the first one to file. It doesn't matter if you and he remain together or not. Just get yourself down there and file.

ETA to add: I stated "He can do this without the expense of having to hire an attorney." Reading that through again it reminds me that if she takes him to court for child support, which she will at some point, then he WILL NEED an attorney, and they are extremely expensive. So I'm saying that he should take responsibility and voluntarily pay child support because that's the right thing to do. But if he doesn't, it will cost him a whole lot more money later.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This is not about child support. In many states he or she would have little choice. This isn't really about whether or not he "technically" cheated. 
This is what this is about.


KJ8132 said:


> I just don't think I can deal with him having another child.


And regardless of how many people are happily married to a person who has other children, We cannot dictate to KJ how she feels about this. We can help her find a path to a better feeling about this, or we can help her find a path to divorce. But in the end KJ will have to make this decision, based largely on how she feels about it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

KJ8132 said:


> How does me saying she's not going to put him on child support translate into him not providing or being there? Being put on child support is done through a court order... That's what I'm talking about.


Some people do jump to conclusions.

The issue is she might not have a choice. For example, if she needed food stamps she would be required to have him on child support, even if she doesn't want to or they have another agreement. I know it was already said twice, but if she files for child support first you could end up getting screwed over big time (depending on your state). You would be wise to look into that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

To me this is not about the love child, him sleeping with someone else when they were on a break., it is about a man who is an addict, he many be clean now but addicts bring nothing but pain. he may or may not go back to his old ways but very few really ever fully change. They still have the same addictive personality and all that goes with that too.They do not make good responsible partners on any level.
The OP needs to consider her own future and the future of her child. If she is still young, financially independent, why would she want to have this trauma causing drama in her life, seriously? My advice is she must look at the longer game, not the here and now. She does not want to wake up 10-20 years from now still attached to a man who has brought limited joy into her life but mostly heartache.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> While he's saying that she will not come after him for child support, she most likely will. That money will come out of your joint income.


Yup, and nope! I'd be outta there!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

OutofRetirement said:


> Why would he not want to provide for his child, to be a father to his child? Are you saying he will just ignore the child? I don't see how a person could not be in his child's life.


I would think it an issue being married to someone who didn't take responsibility for being a father to someone. Huge red flag there.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Careful on the child support issue, it may not be up to her. And if she doesn't get court ordered child support immediately she can come back on him for back child support and everything he bought the child and every dime spent on the child would be considered a gift by the court.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're smart to want to end your marriage in this case. He's maybe sober 6 months, but drug addiction (sounds like heroin if he got a shot to end the cravings) is hard to stay sober from. If he's on methodone, he's still got an addiction of sorts. Anyway, there's just not much reason to stay in this marriage. It will be filled with uncertainty, likely an addiction relapse, and now a baby. Time to walk away. And since he's supposedly not using, that's perfect timing. The baby may well be born addicted. You just don't need this. I don't know what to tell you about custody, but the lawyers and judges can decide that. I hate to see an addict with access to a child. I think it's possible he won't get any custody until he can prove he's been sober longer than six months and is off whatever he's on to maintain it. You may have to share custody, and that's both bad and good. It's bad because he's probably not fit or a good role model, and it's good because otherwise you'll have no life whatsoever and have a hard time working and raising a kid at the same time. You better do this soon, though, because he will need to pay some child support and better you get in ahead of that next baby's mom.


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## idon'tcare (Dec 24, 2012)

It wasn't cheating, yet it was still deceiving. And it sounds that even before all that he wasn't such a catch...


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## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

Do you really want to be with someone who acts like a toddler? 

Someone who is so vewy scawed that they wait until the last minute to ambush you and water works you into feeling sorry for them?

He didn't get an F and hide the report card from you. He lied about fathering a baby. He lied to you because he was too much of a child to be a big boy and tell you. 

Why do you want to be with someone who keeps you in the dark until 2 minutes before the nuke hits?

You don't need to be his mom. You are his wife. 

It's not your obligation to understand his "brokenness."

He doesn't get to jerk you around and give you CYA dramatics. 

His actions and their impact far outweigh the intentions of his actions. 

Intentions of waywards is worth little to nothing. It's utterly meaningless. 

The impact is far more than the effects of any event that happened when they were 2 years old. 

You deserve better. You deserve someone who doesn't back you into a corner by waiting until the last minute to expect your understanding as a bail out. 

Don't think about child support for a moment. Think about the fact that you are dealing with an immature "man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@KJ8132 What happens the next time he omits to tell you something serious? Or 'forgets' to tell you something important?


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

Honestly, I think you should leave. He knew you wouldn't get back together with him if you knew the truth of the situation, so he lied to you. He's only told you now because the baby is coming and will soon be self-evident. If he lies to you about something as big as this, you can bet he will lie to you about staying clean as well in an effort to keep the relationship going. Trust is foundational to a relationship, and you aren't going to be able to build a good relationship with someone that doesn't have a good foundation. It will just crumble over and over, and that will be hard not only on you but on your child.

I might sound a bit cold because I've seen this situation years on with a father who is an alcoholic and gambling addict and I've seen how this usually pans out over time. I hope you'll at least read it and consider it in your mind.

The lying, drugs, likely unprotected sex, and willingness not to support his new child are all harmful to those around him and show a pattern of the type of person he is - one that is likely not capable of being a good partner to you or a good father to his kids. I'm sure it is tempting to imagine being with him - except different. But he is who he is, and you need to deal with the man he's shown himself to be, not the fantasy man you wish he were. If it were just drugs it would be bad enough, but this combination of actions illustrate that at the core he just doesn't have a good character. That is going to affect every facet of your relationship with him. I think the sooner you accept that he may simply never be a good partner, the better. You and your child will likely have healthier lives if you don't live with him and if he only has supervised visitation with the kids, painful as it would be to divorce now. Remember neither of the kids asked to be put in this situation, and your job is to nurture your kid and provide a healthy, stable situation. It may be tragic, but not having their parents together may be your best shot at providing that. The other child is going to be your child's sibling and is blameless. If you stay with your husband and he is a remotely decent person he should be having his other child over for visitation, and you'll need to be prepared to have that child in the house interacting with their sibling. If you can't handle him having another child (which is a totally understandable thing to be upset about, even if it wasn't technically cheating) and would lash out at your kid's sibling then you should break up now rather than putting yourself in a situation where you are hurting another child because of something their father did. Please don't take this out on your kid's sibling. The new baby deserves support from both their biological parents just as much as your child does.

I think it would be best for you and the mother of the sibling-to-be to both file for child support. Whoever files first, as other people mentioned, may get more child support. So it would be a good move for you to look into child support for your kid right now. At least in my state, child support is done by formula taking into account the earnings of the biological parents involved to give a fair amount that will be a portion of the father's income that, if he doesn't get back onto drugs, he should be capable of paying. Since there's a chance he may fall off the wagon try to get his child support payment automatically taken from his work check. That is a good policy for child support from an addict. And even if he gets clean, he will never stop being an addict, and not falling back into drugs will taken consistent effort for the rest of his life. Also if you and the other child's mother file early you'll see to it that it is a fair, legal amount that won't require back support later and that will have a record of payments so no one can later claim things were or were not paid. Since this is done by formula, there's no need for a lawyer to be involved with the child support at least, although custody and the divorce will require a lawyer or mediator. You should also get your ducks in a row with proof of the drug abuse and file for him to have supervised custody because frankly you can not trust a drug addict to be a responsible father unsupervised. If over the years he changes his life permanently, that's great, but you need to act in the best interest of your child with the information you have now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

As a guy who counsels men on “child support” matters, do not wait if you stay together.

Either put him on support now, get her to legally sign documents saying she doesn’t want or need support or agree to cut all parental rights Including support. Do any of these, in court, so a record exists. Feelings and word of mouth mean ZERO, if she decides to come after him.

If you choose to trust her comment about child support, KEEP ALL RECEIPTS for everything concerning the child. 
.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thought... She needs to take a paternity test to prove that he is the father of this child. Until that test comes back and proves him the father, he should not admit that this is his child. 

There are now prenatal, non-invasive, paternity test that use the pregnant woman's blood for the test. Prenatal DNA Paternity KIT - AT-HOME


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## EmmaGray (Sep 3, 2020)

A child is a miracle, so regardless of the circumstances (separation/divorce) I would give birth to a child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whether you were separated or not you were still married and so he did commit adultery. He should have told you this and about the baby when you talked about reconciling, but he probably knew that you would end the marriage so he lied. 
You have every right to end the marriage due to his adultery and if you feel you can't deal with the baby. Its your decision.


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