# Found out about PA 2 months ago, now feeling lost



## HusbandSeekingAdvice (Mar 23, 2012)

This is going to be a long post, but I thank you in advance if you make it to the end and can help me...

2 months ago I found out my wife was having a PA with a married man at her work. I had little "hard evidence" other than phone records, but when I confronted her about it she admitted to it rather quickly. The hardest part of all this is at the time I found out, she had just given birth 2 months prior to our first child. The affair began after she got pregnant. The EA started before however.

After a difficult weekend of us experiencing all the emotions you can imagine, she called the OM and told him it was over. I was on the call as well and told him if he cut off all contact with my wife, I wouldn't tell his wife. My belief was telling the OM's wife would run the risk of pushing him and my W closer together. I also figured the less drama and "spreading the gossip" that occurred the better chance we'd have to repair our marriage. I know TOM's W and I actually wanted to spare her the pain I was going through since I figured she was probably happy with her life as I was mine.

For the next month or so I struggled to make sense of what this meant, questioning my W frequently, communicating how much she'd hurt me. We agreed to go to see a marriage counselor.

During this time, I never seriously considered us getting divorced, I just wanted to figure out why this happened and how to forgive and move on for the sake of our new family. We had sex several times during this period. We actually continued to live life almost as if nothing had happened, only we were both sad/depressed about what had been "lost".

About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.

Since then I feel the power balance has shifted. Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.

Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.

The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.

I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.

So how do I proceed from here? She knows I can be a moody person so she may perceive my lack of contact/sexual advances as me being mad when I want her to see it as me re-asserting my own confidence in myself and other interests than her.

Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair? Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife? I glanced at her work email the other day and discovered their is some contact there that's not completely restricted to work talk? That alone is grounds for me to tell TOM's wife based on our prior agreement.

Long term I want our marriage to work out because we had a great thing going and can do so again. I also get sick thinking about my child growing up being shared between 2 sets of parents. I want access to him 100% of the time. However, I don't just want go back to how it was before. I want her to be less selfish and more willing to meet my sexual needs. Even now she continues to cook our meals and "hang out", but it feels almost like being roommates.

If you made it this far I thank you in advance for any advice you can give.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> T
> Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?


Definitely. She faced no serious consequences and ironically made you the one pleading to keep her. When she proposed divorce that should've been a crystal clear indication that she had no remorse whatsoever for what she'd done.



> Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?


You're morally obligated to do this, and you don't need to tell your wife about it. She'll inform the OM first. 



> Long term I want our marriage to work out because we had a great thing going and can do so again


Really? a person who cheats not only on her husband but with a married man? that's the lowest of the low my friend. I think you have a crippling fear of being alone hence your reluctance to do anything that might drive her away. You need to do a paternity test ASAP.
.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yep, expose the wife to her family and your family and friends. Tell the other man wife. Don't tell her you are going to inform his wife. Do it first and tell her afterwards. 

It is likely that they took the affair underground, that is why she cannot work on the marriage. You said you had a great thing going. I beg to differ. She was giving you morsels of love and you were happy with whatever you can get. She was giving the OM sex while denying you. That should be the greatest slap on your face. She doesn't not respect you. The way you were begging and pleading won't make her respect you. And without her respecting you, there is no chance for the marriage. 

Stop the begging and pleading first. Stop acting like doormat.

Be prepared to divorce her. That is the only way you can reclaim your dignity and marriage(if there is a chance)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I will be the first to suggest that you have a dna test for the baby. I know that is a very tough thing to do, but how do you know it is yours?

She has no respect for you and really is being quite cruel to you. Why do you think that is? 

Has the affair really ended? How do you know?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow missed that part. OP have the baby DNA tested


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Wow missed that part. OP have the baby DNA tested


That really jumps out with this. She was in the affair prior to becoming pregnant. She may know who the father is and it may not be her hubby's.
In this situation I am not even sure what he would hope for. And yes I know the baby is the innocent one. But I think he should know the truth. Just my opinion.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, she lost her attraction because of your response. Shes lost her respect for you. Tomorrow, tell he you have been thinking, and that she is right. Tell her that you need some time away from her and would she mind moving back with her folks or a friend. Be nonchallant about. Kind of matter of fact.

Understand, if she does not respect you. She cannot love you. Respect is critical for love. Don't make a long discussion of it. Don't try to fix anything. She is evaluating her options. You are simply going to take one away from her.......YOU. Do the 180. Focus on you and your newborn. Please understand, that I am pro marriage. Been married 32 years. 

I can guarantee she will do a double take. And going through her mind will be " I think I pushed him to far. Could he really want a divorce? All I wanted to do was deflect guilt over cheating on him. Hes just been so needy lately." 

Keep up the 180. Disengage, focus on yourself. Do not contact her other then to deal with finances or the baby. No anger, you just have more important things to do then chase someone "who is not that attracted to you". 

This is no guarantee. It is a way to clear away her "fog". She needs to experience single motherhood for a while. No fights, no arguments, no I love yous, also separate finances. She needs to start thinking of how she will support her and her daughter. 50/50 custody. Pick up the baby, but don't even ask how she has been. If she asks, tell her "everything is fine" Then change the subject to the baby.

In relationships there is space between couples. The idea is to make that space as narrow as possible. She has pulled away, and so naturally you want to fill that vacuum, to maintain that narrow space. Now is the time for you to pull away, as hard as it is. Hopefully, she will want to fill that space.

Lastly, I don't know why you want to stay with her? She was in a relationship, while she carried your child. I would divorce and never look back. Also tell the other mans wife. Stir the pot. If she asks why, tell her you thought about it, and his wife deserved to know. And you definitely need to out her to all friends and family. That's my advice.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Unfortunately you have done everything wrong.
1. Immediately expose this to the OM's wife. This is non negotiable.
2. The both of you get tested for STD's.
3. A paternity test is a must. All cheaters lie.
4. Even if it is your child the fact that she was screwing this OM while being pregnant with your child really should be a deal breaker for you.
5. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. 
6. That she would engage in a sexual affair while being pregnant with hopefully your child shows she has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
7. The fact that she was so willing to do this while pregnant indicates to me that she knew if she got caught that there would be no consequences to her actions and you would simple forgive her. Would she have done the same for you?
8. See an attorney to understand your options.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I hate men begging and pleading to a cheater wife for staying, It will take away all the little respect left for the man. She will only love you only if she respect you. She don't respect you now, she don't love you now so she choose OM for sex and emotional needs. Why you want to be with a person who don't love or respect you ? Are you that much degraded or horrible person or less a man so that its difficult to find another women who will love and respect you?

Do the paternity test, she is lying to you about the time line of her PA, she is manipulating you by asking you for split, give her what she needs, Issue her with D papers.

Exposure is a must, don't you think that OMW deserve the truth. She is also a human being like you, who is manipulated and played by her husband and your WW. OMW and you are the traveling in the same boat as both are heated by the respective spouses.

Expose the affair to WW family and work place, expose her to her friends. you are not the secret keeper of their dirty doings.

So no more begging and pleading, let she go, your wife whom you loved and married exist no more, the person now with you is a cheater who don't respect or love you, Let she go..

Do a hard 180, not to get her back but for your strength and betterment from this emotional roller coaster.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

For gosh sakes do not tell your wife that you are going to expose to the OM's wife. She will contact him and he will prepare his wife that some crazy guy is going to call her. Say nothing to your wife at all and expose this affair to the OM's wife. Again reading this it shows you have been fearful and that there there has been no consequences to her actions. My friend why would she respect a husband who seems so accepting of a wife screwing around on him for months while being pregnant? What is wrong with this picture?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Basically you have already lost---Your wife has little or no respect for you, cuz you have no respect for yourself

She lets another man have her, she puts you in 2nd place---she does all of this knowing she just had your child, (you hope), and are starting a family---and what do you do---YOU GROVEL

Sure she is still there why wouldn't she stay---she knows she can cheat, and you will do nothing---you talk about you manning up---what you are telling us is nothing more than a half hearted attempt, at who knows what----she doesn't want to lose you as part of her bankroll---so she will stick around---but based on how this is being handled---she will cheat again---and you probably will never even know it---now she has had some experience, with cheating---so don't be surprised if in the future she goes deep underground

Tell her lover's wife---she deserves to know what a piece of garbage she is married to---she deserves to know, so she can make an INFORMED DECISION ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

first and utmost important : U need to stop behaving like a doormat and MAN UP.
Being beta will not help u in personal life and professional life either.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read the newbie thread it gives you guidance on exposure plus other pertinent advice.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to this link and follow it religiously. Do not show ,anger,meaness,pouting etc. Contct the oM's wife immediately without warning. The odds are the affair has just gone underground. Good job with the emails. When she accuses you of ruining OM's marriage tell her she did that all by herself. Be cool and reserved. NEVER let her see you cry again, be a new man.

If and when she wants to reconcile, come here for alist of what she must do.

She wants to separate because she doesn't think the OM's wife knows and she can continue the affair undetected.

Good luck, heres the link:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should also quietly separate finances, cancel all joint accts and credit cards. See an attorney and make sure she knows you are doing it. You need to shake up her world and let her see what the real world will be like..


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Expose it. 

Get tested for STD's.

Ask your wife to get tested and have the results sent to you.

Tell her family.

I would contact her employer and tell him/her about it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Others have said it.

Bad case yours.

Why should you hold on to her? Many BS have felt that they should not loose. At the end they come to realize that their WS do not respect them, love them.

If she has respect for you, you would not have been here.

Take the route of courage.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I would contact her employer and tell him/her about it.


I understand and agree with the idea of exposure (first and foremost to the Other Man's wife) to yank the princess sparkle pony element out of the affair, but I'd exercise caution on this part. What if the situation ends in divorce? Many do. Having an unemployed wife may well effect the financial split, alimony, and possibly child support. May be a case of short-term gain and long-term grief.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

As opposed to lesser grief living with a cheating wife?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

1) Tell OMW as others have said and do not tip your wife off that you are doing so. This allows them to damage control first. Telling OMW attacks the affair from both sides. If your W or the OM say the OMW already knows, they are lying.

2) i hate to say this, but there is a really good chance the baby is not yours. The timing is way too perfect. Get the test done. Don't be afraid. You should be afraid of NOT getting the test done. Your wife doesn't care about your feelings, so why do you care so much about hers? Tell her if she refuses the test, you will file for D.

3) This affair is very likely not over. You need to go spy tech on her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. *She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be*. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.
> 
> Since then I feel the power balance has shifted. Because of the counseling, *she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible.* I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.
> 
> ...


Your actions post D-day have sexually devalued you in her eyes. By not respecting yourself, she has lost what little respect she has in you. She does not appreciate you because nobody can appreciate that which cannot be lost.

I highlighted your comments above for a reason. They demonstrate that she has emotionally detached from you and is considering leaving you. I hate saying this but in cases like yours, the best thing a man can do is to file for divorce and move on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with all others here

Seperate finances
Get tested (STDs)
Dna for baby
Tell other man's wife (wouldn't you want to know?)
Out her to familly

Get moving!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Agree with all others here
> 
> Seperate finances
> Get tested (STDs)
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Where this husband had gone? troll


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Not only is everyone right but I would go thermonuclear on her!

The level of disrespect she has shown you before, during and after her pregnancy is astounding.

My man, this is not a woman you really want to be with for the rest of your life.

And I think Mori is right. She is planning on leaving you.

Secure your personal finances.
Let the OM's wife know without any warning. Bring evidence to show your info is concrete.
Go see an attorney to know your rights.
Let both of your families know what she has done.
Get a DNA test done.

No rug sweeping. Get your balls back now and act. You have already wasted 2 months and from what you have told us it sounds like their A is still going on. 

Do not settle for 2nd best.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> *2 months ago* I found out my wife was having a PA with a *married man at her work*. I had little "hard evidence" other than phone records, but when I confronted her about it she admitted to it rather quickly. The hardest part of all this is at the time I found out, she had just given *birth 2 months prior to our first child*. The affair began after she got pregnant. The EA started before however.


Look at that math here! I definitely agree with Entropy3000, you must have the child DNA tested because there is a strong possibility that OM is the father. *Affair sex is almost always unprotected sex*. I have a thread about it. The lack of protection adds to the sexual thrill of the affair. I know its crazy, but this happens all the time.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> After a difficult weekend of us experiencing all the emotions you can imagine, she called the OM and told him it was over. I was on the call as well and told him if he cut off all contact with my wife, I wouldn't tell his wife.


The good thing was that you were there for the NC phone call. The bad thing is that you said you wouldn't expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW). In effect, you gave him a pass for banging your wife? Oh hell no.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> My belief was telling the OM's wife would run the risk of pushing him and my W closer together. I also figured the less drama and "spreading the gossip" that occurred the better chance we'd have to repair our marriage.


No. What you need to realize about affairs is that you have already emotionally lost your wife. It's up to her to come back, and she won't come back as long as she's in the affair. Exposure is the single greatest tool in killing an affair. What happens the vast majority of the time when you expose the affair to the OMW, is that the OM will throw your WW under the bus in an effort to save his marriage. OM just wants to bang your wife, he doesn't really want to be with her. He will be too busy trying to save his own marriage, especially if he has kids.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> I know TOM's W and I actually wanted to spare her the pain I was going through since I figured she was probably happy with her life as I was mine.


You may think you're being gallant, but in actually, it's really selfish. You did not damage her marriage, her husband and your wife did. She has the RIGHT to know what kind of man she's married to and she has the RIGHT to determine the course of her marriage. In other words, it's the RIGHT thing to do morally. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure you would like to know. How would you feel if you found out that the OMW knew all this time and didn't tell you?



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> During this time, I never seriously considered us getting divorced, I just wanted to figure out why this happened and how to forgive and move on for the sake of our new family. We had sex several times during this period. We actually continued to live life almost as if nothing had happened, only we were both sad/depressed about what had been "lost".


In other words, you did this:










It doesn't work this way. For one thing, she never suffered any consequences for her behavior. A lack of consquences equals no incentive to change. She either takes the affair further underground or she eventually have a new lover.

The other thing is that when you rug sweep, resentment builds within you. Here you are, suffering from the agony of betrayal, and she goes on as if nothing happend. She got to cheat, and you suffered the pain. Yes, the resentment will build up and build up until one day it comes out.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.


Because she's still in the affair obviously. OM works with her, therefore she CANNOT GO NC. As long as they can even see each other, the affair is still on. One of them MUST quit their job, there is no other way around this. Ask the others here who's wives had workplace affairs. TheGoodFight is a good example. 



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Since then I feel the power balance has shifted.


It's not about power or controlling. Marriage is walking down the road of life together as equal partners.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.


Yes, you did make the classic BS mistake by being needy and desperate to R. You cannot rug sweep this.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.


Then you tell her that you will pack her bags and drop her off at OM's house. I'm sure the OMW will love that. DO NOT cry in front of her and beg her again. 



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.


Because the affair is still on. She wants to find herself? That's a classic cheater line. Let her go.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
> I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.


Do the 180. Follow the newbie link for the guidelines to the 180. The 180 is NOT a tool to manipulate her into coming back. It's a self empowerment tool that helps you detach from her so that you will have the strength to move on, with, or without her.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> So how do I proceed from here? She knows I can be a moody person so she may perceive my lack of contact/sexual advances as me being mad when I want her to see it as me re-asserting my own confidence in myself and other interests than her.


First off, stop the sex. You need to get tested for STDs, and tell her that you are getting tested. Now you must expose this affair to their HR department, one of them must leave the job, otherwise, NC can never take effect.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?


Yes. You reacted the way many BSs do, you became needy and desparate. You begged, cried, and pleaded, and rugswept. This makes you look very beta in her eyes and unnattractive. At this point, the OM is very alpha and takes what he wants and suffers no consequences. He looks very attractive.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?


The *first rule of exposure* is *NEVER WARN ANYONE THAT YOU WILL EXPOSE THE AFFAIR.* Remember that. What happens is that your WW will warn the OM to protect him. Then OM will spin his own story to his BW. He will say that you are crazy with jealousy over nothing and out to destroy their marriage and not to listen to anything you have to say.



HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> I glanced at her work email the other day and discovered their is some contact there that's not completely restricted to work talk? That alone is grounds for me to tell TOM's wife based on our prior agreement.


So you know that she has broken NC. So now is the time for consequences. If you can, tell her to GTFO. Legally you can't, but most people don't know that. Most people take it for granted that they have to leave the house if their spouse tells them to. She wants to find herself? Drop her off at OMs house. Star separating your finances. Lawyer up and have her served. She's deep in the fog, and getting served divorce papers is a good tool in kicking them out of the fog. The divorce process takes so long, that you can cancel or delay them at any time. You can use this period as the grace period to see if R is even possible. 

But your first priority is killing this affair! Expose the affair to the OMW. Lawyer up! Do the 180!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mori and Lord Mayhem are on the dot.

Thanks Mori and LM. You guys make us see!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

snap said:


> As opposed to lesser grief living with a cheating wife?


If that's in response to me, I think you misunderstood just about everything I said.


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

What everybody above said, plus read Athol Kay's 'Married Man Sex Life Primer'. (looked for previous references in this thread and didn't see any).

This will lay it out pretty bluntly how and why everything you're doing is absolutely wrong and, if she's not too far gone, a plan to get her back.

Seriously, if it wasn't for that book, my wife's affair may still have been over, but I would have been on the slow crawl to separation/divorce.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

lordmayhem you sir are a genius when it comes to affairs. I only wished I had taken your advice when I first found out. I think it's natural for most BS to make these kinds of mistakes. Their so afraid to lose what they have, and they beg and plead in an attempt to save it. Unfortunately, it does the opposite and makes things so much worse.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Where this husband had gone? troll


Quit accusing people of being a troll, its rude behavior.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

A woman who is pregnant will generally have sex with the father of her child. OP, who was she having sex with while pregnant? Not you right?

She is not going to recommit to the marriage because she has committed the ultimate betrayal. But you already know that don't you?


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## HusbandSeekingAdvice (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks to you all for the advice.

Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.

1. We've been married for 8 years and she's the only woman I've ever had a real relationship with. I was 21 when we met. I'd never contemplated any scenario where we're not married when one of us dies.

2. We share a lot of common interests. I always considered her my best friend. Most weekends we're together 24/7. We enjoy great vacations together and my only compliant about the sex was it was only ever on weekends and most of the time I had to initiate it.

3. I have wanted to be a father and start a family for several years now and the idea of throwing away what I have longed for just a few months after I getting it has been very hard to accept.

4. I love our child and am terrified of not having access to him when ever I want (even if it's not mine).

5. I didn't expose the A to anyone initially because I figured we'd never be able to R if everyone we know hated her. I figured I could carry whatever pain lingered inside for the "greater" good of our families.

6. I was more willing to forgive when I first found out because she blamed the A and her massive fear of having a child and getting old. She's said for years she's afraid of it. We found out she had a thyroid condition which she says is what pushed her into being "ready" to have a child and that's when we started trying to get pregnant. I know this is true as I went to all the doctor appointments with her.

7. I've been successful in almost every part of my life (academics, career, etc), and I think I'm afraid to let the world find out I failed at something (my fault or not). For some reason women have always been my area of least confidence in myself.

I've also been under tremendous stress at work and with the new baby felt I could only handle so much change at once. I felt that exposing it would be far more dramatic and distracting that dealing with it privately.

I know few of these reasons mean much now, but I feel I have to explain why I've made so many of the classic mistakes.

I probably come across as a huge emotional wimp that has shared in too many chick flicks. All I can say is I'm a "family first" kind of guy that values family and believes divorce is too common. My parents have been together nearly 40 years (as have my wife's). I know we're not all perfect and that mistakes happen over a long life together, but I also question how much forgiveness should be granted.

After spending hours the last few days reading about how to "Man up", I realize I've allowed so many of my insecurities to dominate my actions. Already I'm feeling stronger realizing how much I have to offer a woman and questioning why I should want to stay with my WW.


I've been inspired by what I've read on this site to take control of my life and live by the principles I believe in.

I will not show fear, sadness, or desperation.
I will not reach out to my wife or seek her affection. She will come to me for it.
She will initiate all calls/texts.
I won't say "I love you".

I will start by telling the OMW with no warning. How should I do it? I don't know her that well and only know how to contact her through FB? Should I get her to meet me so we can talk in person? She lives an hour away from me.

How do I find the courage to do the paternity test? I love my child so much already and am scared I'll love him less if I find out he's not mine. My gut says he is, but I suppose I'll always wonder if I don't.


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## HusbandSeekingAdvice (Mar 23, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> A woman who is pregnant will generally have sex with the father of her child. OP, who was she having sex with while pregnant? Not you right?
> 
> She is not going to recommit to the marriage because she has committed the ultimate betrayal. But you already know that don't you?


We had sex while she was pregnant.


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## HusbandSeekingAdvice (Mar 23, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I understand and agree with the idea of exposure (first and foremost to the Other Man's wife) to yank the princess sparkle pony element out of the affair, but I'd exercise caution on this part. What if the situation ends in divorce? Many do. Having an unemployed wife may well effect the financial split, alimony, and possibly child support. May be a case of short-term gain and long-term grief.


This is a concern to me as well, but few here seem to agree with you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Thanks to you all for the advice.
> 
> Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.
> 
> ...


The first thing to do is conatct the wife and see what falls out of the tree. I would bet your wife is holding out hope for her and OM if not still having a full blown affair. A golden rule in breaking up an affiar is absolute no contact and outing the affair to the OM'wife. Almost every time, but not 100%, the OM will throw the your wife under the bus to save his marriage and keep his family together. Men have affairs for sex. Women,usually, for emotional reasons.

Its hard to believe he was attracted to a married, pregnant woman for sex. Affair has probably been going on longer than that. 

If you can, get a phone number for the OM. A good source is spokeo.com.

If you have to , message her on facebook but that may be intercepted. The best thing is to go see her and take proof of emails texts etc.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Sounds like you've got a plan. Do not be afraid to move ahead with her or without. There's a good life out there for you. I understand your fear of destroying your relationship w/ her, but believe me, the relationship you had w/ her is already destroyed- by her. I did not confront for two years after I found out; it nearly killed me. Don't rug sweep this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> This is a concern to me as well, but few here seem to agree with you.


People that delay exposing here, regret that decison almost 100%. It isn't effective in every case but usually works to stop the affair and destroying the fog the affair partners are in.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> We had sex while she was pregnant.


That is not surprising. She was hiding an affair. But she was having sex with the OM too right. I don't know too many women who would do that. Pregnancy is a time to bond with the baby's father. Why would she conduct an affair while pregnant. Why would the OM have sex with her when she was pregnant if he wasn't the father of her baby. These are just questions I would have if I were in your position.


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## HusbandSeekingAdvice (Mar 23, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If you have to , message her on facebook but that may be intercepted. The best thing is to go see her and take proof of emails texts etc.



The only hard evidence I have is the call/text log from our cell phone provider which showed her calling/texting him as much as she did me (or sometimes more) and no one else was even close.

When I confronted her with that, I bluffed a bit indicated I had more evidence than I actually did, and told her if she had any hope of saving our marriage she'd tell me the whole truth right there.

And then she admitted to it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> The only hard evidence I have is the call/text log from our cell phone provider which showed her calling/texting him as much as she did me (or sometimes more) and no one else was even close.
> 
> When I confronted her with that, I bluffed a bit indicated I had more evidence than I actually did, and told her if she had any hope of saving our marriage she'd tell me the whole truth right there.
> 
> And then she admitted to it.


It is very likely they are still in an affair but have just taken it underground. I would still install keyloggers, VARs, GPS etc. Check her phone for messages. Keep gathering evidence as you proceed. For now, bring the text logs and tell the OMW you wife admitted it. Will she write a NC letter to the OM? If so take a copy to the OMW as proof as well. When you have more evidence send it along later. Its up to her what she does with the info. Make sure you tell everyone who has influence on your wife. Family, friends, priest, etc.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

chapparal said:


> The first thing to do is conatct the wife and see what falls out of the tree. I would bet your wife is holding out hope for her and OM if not still having a full blown affair. A golden rule in breaking up an affiar is absolute no contact and outing the affair to the OM'wife. Almost every time, but not 100%, the OM will throw the your wife under the bus to save his marriage and keep his family together. Men have affairs for sex. Women,usually, for emotional reasons.
> 
> Its hard to believe he was attracted to a married, pregnant woman for sex. Affair has probably been going on longer than that.
> 
> ...


Gotta confess, my pregnant wife was a major turn on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Gotta confess, my pregnant wife was a major turn on.


LOL, thats normal but do you go around lusting over other pregnant women. When I see a pregnant women my thoughts run to how they must be feeling. Sore feet, back hurts, clothes don't fit, what food she's craving. Stopping before I get flamed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't commit to anything with your wife at this point. For one thing if the marriage is to succeed she can no longer work with the other man. I wouildn't bring this up until serious reconcilliation talks are underway.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

HusbandSeekingAdvice,

Since you discovered your wife's affair, you have acted completely normally for a husband who is desperately afraid of losing his wife, breaking up his family, and visiting future pain upon his young child. Which is to say, you have done almost nothing right to break up the affair and save your family.

Posters here are going to be hard on you. Blunt. They are trying to jolt you out of your fog. We are all on your side. We are trying to help you.

It is not too late for you. Realize first that no matter what you do, there is a fairly good chance this will eventually end in divorce. The way you are going now, a divorce is almost inevitable.

If you want to save your marriage and your family, your wife must tell you the truth, must agree to no contact with the other man, must be transparent to you by giving you passwords and access to all her accounts and communication devices, and must show remorse. She should be trying to win you back, not the other way around.

As far as the truth goes, you do not have it. You will know you have it when it makes sense. Her story does not make sense. It is very, very, very highly unlikely that the other man began an affair with a pregnant woman. Go back over the details with your wife. If you are too close to the situation and can't figure out truth from fiction, post the details here, we will tell you when you are getting the truth.

Also, the truth is that she almost definitely still is in the affair. What has happened to make her give it up? You found out, but life goes on as normal for her. She sees the other man at work daily. For heaven's sake, you have even detected that they've contacted each other outside of work since this all blew up. Your wife and other man can't help themselves, they can't even hide it well.

As far as no contact goes, it should be absolutley no contact. She must agree to leave her job. She should begin looking for a new job immediately. She must allow you to monitor her accounts and devices. You must expose to the other man's wife. Most likely, other man will then throw your wife under the bus and other man's wife will help you ensure no contact. I would consider exposing to her family and your family. Their disapproval of her behavior will make the affair much less fun and exciting.

Finally, remorse means she is sorry for what she did and shows it. She should be trying to win you back, willing to tell you all the details, having sex with you if you want it, showing affection and love to you, and not begrudgingly.

These are the conditions you should give to her: truth, no contact, transparency, remorse. You should tell her if she doesn't agree to these conditions, you will file for divorce. Then you must do it. You can always stop it in the future if you change your mind. At least, you will know how much she values your relationship. If she is unwilling to commit to your marriage, better that you find out now than to drag it out for months or years.

Understand that you have been such a doormat for so long, that she will not agree to your conditions, she may not agree to a single one. She has been able to manipulate you and get what she wants from you so easily, for so long, you will have to file for divorce to wake her up and let her see you're serious.

Her view of you is that no matter what she does, you always will take her back. She can continue with the other man as long as she wants because she is sure that you will always take her back.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

HusbandSeekingAdvice said:


> Thanks to you all for the advice.
> 
> Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you are in the position you are. You are in a club that nobody wants to be a member of. You didn't join it by choice. Your wife made you join it. 

Regardless of how you came to join the club, now that you are a member, you need to Cowboy up. You have a lot of excuses you are using to try to explain away your fear of change. 

When things are horrible enough, sometimes any change is better than the status quo...........


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Please take the advice here. You have a very low chance of having your marriage back. What you are doing will definitely won't work.


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