# The grass ain’t so greener



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think I made a serious miscalculation in my life. I tell her I retained an attorney 3 months ago, she calls my bluff, retains an attorney and files immediately. She loses 40 pounds, looks great. I act tough but realizing my outbursts, taking my exw’s lawsuit out on my wife, drinking, ignoring her needs, taking her for granted, never moving past her EA when she moved past mine have taken their toll on her. She’s done and has moved on. I really do miss her. She always said I would and I never believed it. She was right. 

Just venting...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you had stayed you would not have gotten over her EA, is this not the better solution of starting off with a fresh slate....look you can't change what happen but you can change your outlook, you can change your drinking, you can change your appearance....bottom line is stop focusing on her and focus on yourself .


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It’s probably not a good idea to lie about something as big as “I retained an attorney months ago”, unless you’re prepared to no longer be with your SO. I’m guessing that according to her, she assumed that things were over if you’ve already talked to a lawyer, so she might as well retain one too. 

It’s unfortunate, but what’s done is done and it sounds like there’s no going back. At this point, all you can really do is focus on yourself and your future. No, the grass isn’t always greener right away, but it does start to green up after awhile.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think I made a serious miscalculation in my life. I tell her I retained an attorney 3 months ago, she calls my bluff, retains an attorney and files immediately. She loses 40 pounds, looks great. I act tough but realizing my outbursts, taking my exw’s lawsuit out on my wife, drinking, ignoring her needs, taking her for granted, never moving past her EA when she moved past mine have taken their toll on her. She’s done and has moved on. I really do miss her. She always said I would and I never believed it. She was right.
> 
> Just venting...


I have been where you are at right now and I know how difficult it is. However this is good news. You are moving through the stages of grief and not getting stuck in anger.

Part of healing process is to acknowledge our faults and recognize the role we had bringing the relationship to it's end. The goal is to work on those issues.

Yes, regret the mistakes made but instead of using it as an anchor to hold you back, use it as a sail to move you forward.

Eta:. Yes, the grass is never greener. It's just different kind of turf.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

To me it's amazing that you have such clarity and can be honest with yourself about your part in it. 

It shows depth, humility and strong character.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m not one to point fingers. I know the role I played. She gave me everything I asked for after her EA (she had no demands of me for mine). Whatever she’d give me it was never enough for me. I was going to make it my life’s mission to punish her. All I punished was myself. Even if we were to reconcile, which she has refused, I can now add a PA to the EA all because of my stupidity.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

minimalME said:


> To me it's amazing that you have such clarity and can be honest with yourself about your part in it.
> 
> It shows depth, humility and strong character.


I agree. I would be shocked if my ex displayed a fraction of this self awareness....if he had we might still be married.
.
I have had two male coworkers discuss their divorces with me. One was divorced 3 times and each one was the ex's fault; he's now on wife number 4.

The other gave me a laundry list of things he ****ed up along with some of the difficulties he had with his ex. He's currently single and focused on his kids, though open to dating possibilities.

Guess which one I think more highly of.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think I made a serious miscalculation in my life. I tell her I retained an attorney 3 months ago, she calls my bluff, retains an attorney and files immediately. She loses 40 pounds, looks great. I act tough but realizing my outbursts, taking my exw’s lawsuit out on my wife, drinking, ignoring her needs, taking her for granted, never moving past her EA when she moved past mine have taken their toll on her. She’s done and has moved on. I really do miss her. She always said I would and I never believed it. She was right.
> 
> Just venting...


I don't think you miscalculated, I think you are at the endpoint of a very long and painful journey, in which you did indeed love your wife, and now it's over. And that hurts and it sucks.

But let me remind you of this post you put in your "things you won't miss" thread:


RebuildingMe said:


> -dishonesty
> -silent treatment for days sometimes weeks
> -MIL crossing boundaries the entire 12 year M, coming into my house 3 hours before having to take the kids off the bus, treating my house as if it was hers, taking pictures of my daughter off the wall and replacing them with her pictures she likes
> -setting myself up for no sex or disappointing sex
> ...


Go ahead and remember and grieve the good. But remember and grieve the bad, too.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not one to point fingers. I know the role I played. She gave me everything I asked for after her EA (she had no demands of me for mine). Whatever she’d give me it was never enough for me. I was going to make it my life’s mission to punish her. All I punished was myself. Even if we were to reconcile, which she has refused, I can now add a PA to the EA all because of my stupidity.




I’m sorry. We always see things more clearly when it’s too late. I think we all have regrets in life and it’s a terrible feeling. But now you know so when you find your next love, you will know to appreciate her, and hopefully find some peace and happiness. 

My advice to you that helped me through my divorce... really deeply grieve the relationship, then let it go and don’t look back. Don’t keep punishing yourself.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lila said:


> Eta:. Yes, the grass is never greener. It's just different kind of turf.


I dig this analogy! But would like to add this: in the future, keep an eye out for the fake turf, and stay off of it. Look for the real turf instead; lots of different variety and seeds to choose from. Just make sure that you get quality seeds to grow it and that you have the time and energy to water and tend to it.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

I always thought the grass was greener because you end up dumping a whole lot of **** on it... 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I don't think you miscalculated, I think you are at the endpoint of a very long and painful journey, in which you did indeed love your wife, and now it's over. And that hurts and it sucks.
> 
> But let me remind you of this post you put in your "things you won't miss" thread:
> 
> ...


Thank you Marduk for digging his up. I needed to read it again today.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you Marduk for digging his up. I needed to read it again today.


There is a whole world out there, waiting for you to go explore it. Including amazing women that would love to explore it with you. 

Go find it when you're ready. Until then, know that it's right there, waiting for you to get ready.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If it makes you feel better, I went through a short phase of "I screwed up, I should have left things as they were." and believe me when I say, I shouldn't have...I was more then right to leave my now exH. He damaged me in a way that is difficult to express. My very soul was being damaged by staying with him for so long after I found out his secret. 

But my regret and fear didn't last very long. I moved on with my life and things are good now. I'm happy. Just today I was laughing about something at work, having fun, and a coworker said "God, I never realized how awesome your laugh is...so fun to hear!!" and I realized it was because she's never really heard me truly be happy and laugh. I'm more than glad I made the choice I did, but it was hard to get from there to here. 

You will get there too, I promise. *hugs*


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Vent away--that is one of the benefits of TAM. 

If you have things you want to improve or change, do it--for you. Others may think she was holding you back from maximizing your potential, who knows? 

Happiness is a choice, but we all backslide in that area at times. Your insight is pretty terrific!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Thank you all for just listening. I have down moments and this was certainly one of them today. Tomorrow is a new day to smile and laugh. Happiness is there for the taking. 

I wonder if some of you really know how your positive comments can help a complete stranger, but a fellow human being, get through the day! Thank you!!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you all for just listening. I have down moments and this was certainly one of them today. Tomorrow is a new day to smile and laugh. Happiness is there for the taking.
> 
> I wonder if some of you really know how your positive comments can help a complete stranger, but a fellow human being, get through the day! Thank you!!


So glad you're feeling better about things!!! I've been helped by total strangers here on TAM and on other boards at various times in my life. It is quite amazing how easy it is to make someone feel better. :smile2:


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

It is good U realize your mistakes. Now accept them. That will take some time - but will happen IF you U let it and accept U "maybe" effed up. But life isn't over. Lots ahead. Learn and grow. U can't go back - only forward. ONWARD and upward. U will be a better man correct ? That is all any of us can do and expect from ourselves. 

Don't dwell. Move on. Make U and your life better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> *I’m not one to point fingers. I know the role I played. She gave me everything I asked for after her EA (she had no demands of me for mine). Whatever she’d give me it was never enough for me. I was going to make it my life’s mission to punish her. All I punished was myself. Even if we were to reconcile, which she has refused, I can now add a PA to the EA all because of my stupidity.*


*The EA and the PA were not your fault ~ she made a more than conscious decision to be a willing participant because she largely felt entitled!

It would have still happened even if you hadn't procured legal counsel!

Please don't blame or beat up on yourself! Get with a good IC to try to help you out!*


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well, for what its worth I think most of us feel that 2x4 known as reality when a long term relationship ends. I certainly made a mess of my life during that time. I simply couldn't make a decision. I kept comparing my new life to my old one, and admittedly I was looking back at my old life with rose tinted glasses. It got the point where I really thought I wanted to reconcile with my ex, but almost as soon as I went down that path I realized it was a mistake. All of the issues that made it not work in the first place were still there. My advice is to stay the course and keep moving forward. Looking backwards did nothing but keep me in a bad place. 

One more thing. When do find someone you really care about, after the "honeymoon" phase ends and you find yourselves having to work through differences. You might start saying to yourself that your marriage was easier. That may not be the case, I say this because grass isn't greener its just different. Every couple has things they need to work through, its a matter of finding someone you care enough about to work through those things. This is of course assuming it isn't a major issue.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

minimalME said:


> To me it's amazing that you have such clarity and can be honest with yourself about your part in it.
> 
> It shows depth, humility and strong character.


I agree, reading this was honestly refreshing


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not one to point fingers. I know the role I played. *She gave me everything I asked for after her EA (she had no demands of me for mine)*. *Whatever she’d give me it was never enough for me. I was going to make it my life’s mission to punish her*. All I punished was myself. Even if we were to reconcile, which she has refused, I can now add a PA to the EA all because of my stupidity.


Because of the bolded, it is necessary that you get some serious counseling before even contemplating dating. That is some seriously screwed up sense of entitlement you have going. Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you Marduk for digging his up. I needed to read it again today.


If what you wrote in that thread was ever true, then you need to read it three times a day, until you stop feeling like you. 

Because brother, even if you are a complete jerk, ugly as sin, and everything negative you think of... You don't deserve to live like you were living and describing in that thread. 

It sounds to me like you are feeling sorry for yourself, when you should not. No on deserves to live that way.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I don't know but a little hate, may serve him well. And l think that it's just the right feeling you can have. But because you are the guy, and this is not your normal self. I believe you will revert back to what you once was. Once you find that someone who loves you for you. 

And life's taken a toll on us all, but sometimes we allow the old rage to surface now and again. Is this a horrible thing? I think not, but as a point never to be taken again. It can prove invaluable to vet our next lover/partner.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you all for just listening. I have down moments and this was certainly one of them today. Tomorrow is a new day to smile and laugh. Happiness is there for the taking.
> 
> I wonder if some of you really know how your positive comments can help a complete stranger, but a fellow human being, get through the day! Thank you!!


There's a saying in the dojo, a very old one. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight." 

It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is that you keep getting back up when you do.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I feel so much better today. I guess there is going to be a lot of ups and downs. Thank you all for the support. I read my list several times last night and every one of them is true. 

Blondilocks, thank you for your comment. I don’t think I am entitled. Being cheated on is not something I can get over quickly. Actually, if anyone felt entitled it was stbx. I actually think I’m pretty good at seeing my faults and trying to make improvements. I’ve been in IC for over a year.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I feel so much better today. I guess there is going to be a lot of ups and downs. Thank you all for the support. I read my list several times last night and every one of them is true.
> 
> Blondilocks, thank you for your comment. I don’t think I am entitled. Being cheated on is not something I can get over quickly. Actually, if anyone felt entitled it was stbx. I actually think I’m pretty good at seeing my faults and trying to make improvements. I’ve been in IC for over a year.



Excellent! 

Just don't forget that your ex-wife is _not_ the only one in the marriage who cheated. You need to deal with not just the relationship and whatever feelings you have regarding her affair, but also the things within yourself that led to your affair. You need to really understand why you made _those_ choices that led to _that_ place, and how to make better choices next time. Just assuming you won't cheat again, because any future partners will be different from your ex-wife, is a great way to end up choosing poorly again when things get tough.


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