# Am I overreacting?



## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

Hello Everyone,

I just joined this board in search of some advice or reactions to my dilemma... I will try to get useful and give some advice where I can as well 

Sorry for the long post, but I felt I needed to give at least this much detail for others to get and idea of the situation.

This thing has been bothering me for months, making me very insecure and leading to very frequent fights about stupid things with my husband. I'm not sure how much more of these fights our relationship can take  We almost never had fights before this.

We've been married for 11 years. I love my husband, we have a good relationship overall. He loves to spend time with our kids (1 and 3 years), we spend time together in the evenings, he calls me at least once a day from work, he really tries hard to be there for kids' events and important things, etc. Overall, he's a great, family oriented guy. 

I have talked to him about this current issue but he doesn't seem to or want to understand my problem. 

He is currently working on his second PhD degree.About a year ago I started to hear about this young woman (let's call her Jenny) who is currently an undergraduate student. She is in the co-op program, so has "work terms". While working for another part of my husband's department, they started to work on a project together. According to my husband she is very smart and very talented and doesn't require much supervision, that is why he likes to work with her. From the work emails I got to read I gather that other co-workers agree that she is a very useful addition to their projects. Anyways, my husband ended up convincing her (she wasn't sure what she wanted to do exactly) to work with him on her current work term. He's in a small office he is already sharing with two other people. There was just enough space to put one more computer in, so he did that. There are other offices with more space, but my husband says it made sense to put her there, because they would work on several projects together, etc. 

Jenny not only seems to be smart and talented, however, she is also beautiful. She's not trying at all, in fact she seems to be a quiet and very appropriate young woman. She's just seems to be a naturally very beautiful and nice person. 

When I talked about this with my husband he told me she is there because she's smart, not because of her looks. (Well, I was hoping so) He also said that he's not even trying to be friends with her, that he doesn't even know if she has a boyfriend... (I don't understand this, why would he want to know? why is he telling me this? Does he wonder if she has a boyfriend?) 

I also read some of his work emails he wrote to others, where he talks about what he and she did and he starts several emails with: "Jenny and I worked on this project today...blah..blah...." He doesn't seem to write like this about other co-workers. It feels to me like the most important thing about the work they did is that he and she did it together.

I trust my husband that he would never cheat on me. And that seems to be the only thing that matters to him, that we don't cheat on each other. Although he couldn't know because I never put him in a situation like this. Nevertheless, I'm worried about him having feelings for Jenny. I hate to spend my days thinking about what she and he are working on together and how close they are sitting to each other and how that makes them feel. 

There are many more little things like this and I know they seem to be trivial things, but I just have this feeling that there is too much caring and feeling coming from him when he talks and writes about her.

I sort of managed to ignore this whole thing until both my husband's and Jenny's paper were accepted for a conference in Europe, meaning that they would both go and present their papers and possibly do some sightseeing together, as there won't really be anyone else there they know. A third coworker might go as well, he's not sure yet. In that case I guess the three of them would be doing the sight-seeing together, but that still bothers me. Jenny and my husband, in Europe. Having all these experiences together... He and I used to travel a lot before kids, it was sort of our thing. These days he travels a few times a year with his co-workers for conferences, which he always did in bigger groups so didn't bother me as much.

When I mentioned to my husband that it bothers me that they would be together in Europe, possibly just the two of them, his answer was "why does it matter to you"? Implying that he wouldn't cheat on me so why am I worried? I got really upset that he said this even after we discussed that them working together makes me uncomfortable, etc. 


Thanks in advance, everyone!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes this is a difficult situation. On the one hand, I do think you are over reacting a little bit. You mentioned that your husband doesn't seem to try to understand you, but I wonder if he himself feels like you understand him. On the other hand, your husband needs to make sure he has clear and expressed boundaries with this co-worker. I would try talking to your husband some more, but before conveying your thoughts and feelings, make sure you understand where he is coming from. He might be more inclined to listen to you if he feels like you are respectful and understanding of him. Good luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This may not be an inappropriate relationship, but it sure has alot of the ingredients for one. Consider that he is in a relationship (professional) designed for him to get the respect and admiration from another female, along with quality time together, along with her looks. 

Is your marriage and sex life strong? If your sex life is not fulfilling to him currently then this makes the situation far more dangerous.

I would probably have a conversation that you express your feelings of safety in the marriage. At the end of the day, he has a responsibility to you, his wife, to make you feel safe and protected within your marriage. This is more important than his career or his personal feelings of being offended. I agree that this should be a two way conversatoin where you understand where he is coming from... But you should be prepared to assign your lack of safety to "the situation" and "the other female" rather than allowing it to be a challenge to his faithfulness.


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

Thank you so much for your answers. I really appreciate it. I have cried so much and lost so much sleep over this, just trying to figure out if my worries are realistic or not. Trying to understand where he's coming from. This morning I tried hard to listen to him. I told him I would like to talk about this without any judgement, accusations, defending, etc. Didn't really work. Whenever I bring up this topic he talks in length about why she's there, justifying it from many different angles. He never tells me about his feelings or lack of feelings within this relationship. Just gets defensive, without me saying much. This morning all I did was very carefully bring up the topic again, just the fact that this whole thing bothers me. All he did was pointing out how talented she is and why she's the one there, not this and that person, who are not as talented. Really, all I want is for him to recognize, that given the situation, my worries are not that unreasonable.


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

I forgot to mention that our sex life is great. It's hard to tell how strong our marriage is. I think he thinks it is strong and everything is ok, but I don't feel the same way.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I don't think you are overreacting at all. If this is a problem with you, I think he should put some distance between this lady and him for the simple fact that it is causing a rift between you and him. There has been guys here at work that have done that with me because they were getting too attached and it was causing problems, and I've also distanced myself for the same reasons. If he isn't into this girl, then it shouldn't be a problem I would think. 

I'm with you on this one.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

While I don't think anything is going on, the groundwork is set for a potential relationship with this co-worker. Is there anyway you can get ahold of her? As a woman, she may be able to better understand your concerns than your husband. She may also be able to set up appropriate boundaries if your husband refuses to do so.


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## WiseOwlGuy (Jun 21, 2011)

...


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## WiseOwlGuy (Jun 21, 2011)

...


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

WiseOwlGuy said:


> Bad advice (no offence).


No offense taken. I am just trying to help Pottom80 explore different options for her situation.

There is some truth to what WiseOwlGuy is saying. You should be proactive (as you already are) and assertive in this situation.


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## WiseOwlGuy (Jun 21, 2011)

...


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

Whether or not it is over-reacting, I would feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes. I am not sure what it would take for me to feel comfortable with him going on this trip with her. Maybe if she took a boyfriend or even a friend with her to hang around.

I assume you cannot go because you have small children. Has he mentioned that his wishes you could be there with him? 

If there is something to worry about, then the trip won't matter. Let's just say that you find someway to feel better about the trip, i.e. going along or sending someone you trust along for the ride like another family member or close friend. You are going to continue to have worries about their relationship while he is working with her. 

The only way you are going to feel better is for him to distance himself from her permanently. It doesn't matter if nothing is going on, he still has an obligation to fix a situation that makes you uncomfortable (within reason of course). 

Maybe you should get to know her a little more. You may find out that she has someone in her life that she cares deeply for and may not be interested in your hubby whatsoever.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Pottom80 said:


> This morning all I did was very carefully bring up the topic again, just the fact that this whole thing bothers me. All he did was pointing out how talented she is and why she's the one there, not this and that person, who are not as talented.


Response: So your telling me I have no right to feel safe in my marriage? You are telling me that my feelings and opinions don't matter to you? You are telling me you are more about your project then our marriage?

I would change this discussion to how he treats you vs you being jealous over another woman.

But I will say his reaction is more in line with someone with something to hide, rather than the reaction of a good husband trying to do the right thing for his wife.


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## pecos (Jun 30, 2011)

sounds like a something is brewing if you ask me. he might not be physically cheating on you yet, but i worry that he is developing an emotional relationship with her -- that can be even worse than something that is just for sex. you have to tackle this one carefully as to not push him into it. men don't like jealous women so be confident when you talk. i don't blame you for being nervous about the europe thing. any chance you can go with him?


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

Thanks everyone for you responses! 

After I read all your comments, I had another long talk with my husband and we seem to be getting somewhere now. He seems to start to understand that all I want is for him to see that this is a hard situation. And that there is something about it that could worry me. I told him that my biggest worry is that he develops feelings for her. He swears that that's not true and that he loves me and he can control these things. 

It seems i'm also starting to get through to him about the fact that I just want him to take my feelings seriously. 

I'm sure more talking is waiting to happen soon, so we'll see how it goes.

I will try to write another post with answers to questions, I just can't right now as my kids are waiting to have my attention as well.

Thanks again, everyone


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## geogirl (May 29, 2011)

Other than her being an attractive, young female, is there anything else that has happened to concern you? The work emails seem fairly harmless, just because he mentions her name, and gives credit where credit is due is not a reason to feel insecure. If this were a man, your reaction would be quite different. Maybe, you could say things like "I'm so glad you finally have someone so competent that you can depend on at work." or "now that there is so much qualified help at work, this would be a great time to get away together and reconnect". 

As far as I can tell, he has done nothing wrong to make you worry. If you continually bring things up, even in a gentle manor, it will continue to make him defensive. I find that once I've stated my concern, I like to end our conversation with a statement of trust and leave the ball in his court. "I know you'll do what's right." "I'm so glad that I have a man that does the right thing." This way, a good man is more likely to remember that you have put your trust in him and does what he can to keep that trust.


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

Thank you for your answer, geogirl. It was really nice to see a post coming from an entirely different perspective. You're right in many ways. I know that I've had insecurity issues my entire life and he wasn't the reason for it. I also know that I am certainly not as supportive of his successes as I should be, even if these successes have some negative sides from my perspective. Your post made me think about this again, how hard it is to see things from the other person's perspective when I'm caught up in feeling sorry for myself and how unfair it is to him. Thank you for bringing this to my attention!


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

To answer some of the previous questions, I would not consider talking to her as I don't know her at all and also I would not like to start an idea that might not exist anywhere but in my head. I feel that in this situation it wouldn't be appropriate to talk to her about something like this, as it is really just a feeling, I don't have anything that is obviously worrisome.

We actually ended up asking my parents in law to watch our kids while I go to Europe with him. The problem is that my younger son is only going to be about 20 months at that time and I am not entirely comfortable leaving him yet....so I feel bad that I leave him here because of my jealous feelings....


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Right or wrong, I'd feel the same way you do. If you can swing it, I think you should go to Europe with him. If that used to be your thing to do together, maybe a part of you was a little jealous that he was getting to go to Europe and you were going to have to stay here. I'm a SAHM to 4 young kids and I always get envious of my DH when he gets to travel for work. 

How long would you be gone? If your ILs are willing and you can afford it, I think you should go. Don't think of it as leaving your DS behind because of your jealous feelings. Think of it as taking advantage of an opportunity to travel with your DH to celebrate his accomplishment and have some time away from your kiddos to help reconnect with each other.


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## Pottom80 (Jun 30, 2011)

Thanks for the positive thoughts, it seems I have problem coming up with those these days... 

wemogirl - how old are you kids?

The max we could go for is 9 days, which would give us 7 days there, but I'm thinking that 9 days might be too long for my son, I don't know. Still deciding...


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Pottom80 said:


> Thanks for the positive thoughts, it seems I have problem coming up with those these days...
> 
> wemogirl - how old are you kids?
> 
> The max we could go for is 9 days, which would give us 7 days there, but I'm thinking that 9 days might be too long for my son, I don't know. Still deciding...


Nine days is kind of a long time - especially to be away for the first time. Honestly, your DS would probably do OK. I'd be more worried about my ILs and how they would cope. 

Maybe you could go for just part of it. Meet him later and come home together or go together and come home early.

BTW, my kids are 8, 7, 4 and 2. DH and I went away for our tenth anniversary last fall when the youngest was 18 months. We were away 4 days and they did OK. It was a nice break.

I hope you can come up with a solution to this situation.


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