# Spouse who doesn't sleep enough and then



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

can't keep his eyes open when we talk...and admits he drifts off at work sometimes when it's a little slow 

We have a toddler who gets up at night (to pee, nightmares, whatever) and so he goes to help or console her. I told her I'm going to go because he can't keep sleeping or closing his eyes. We should be able to have a conversation, sitting down, without him closing his eyes. I'm pregnant and he says "You need your rest, you're going to be too tired if you have to get up" etc.

He says he just gets tired and needs to close his eyes if he's sitting and not doing anything. That if he is up and moving, no problem otherwise it's just the way he is.

What can I do? I said let me get up at night, I don't know if he'll let me take over so he can rest but otherwise what other options are there? It affects our communication when conversations get side-tracked and dismantled because it's back to bickering about this issue.

The other part that bothers me about this is that when I call him out on it or get annoyed he raises his voice at reacts/kind of yells. Today we were out in public and I said can you please stop closing your eyes, this is ridiculous etc and he kind of raised his voice like, "you don't understand, I have nothing to do here [at a coffee shop]" ...he apologized later for raising his voice but I'm getting tired of it.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> can't keep his eyes open when we talk...and admits he drifts off at work sometimes when it's a little slow
> 
> We have a toddler who gets up at night (to pee, nightmares, whatever) and so he goes to help or console her. I told her I'm going to go because he can't keep sleeping or closing his eyes. We should be able to have a conversation, sitting down, without him closing his eyes. I'm pregnant and he says "You need your rest, you're going to be too tired if you have to get up" etc.
> 
> ...


Pardon me for saying so, OP, but I think you are being too hard on your husband right now given the fact that he is taking care of your daughter at night to help you in your pregnancy.  It sounds to me that you feel like he is ignoring you or bored by you but this honestly does not appear to be the case.

If I were you I would be far more worried about his health. A myriad of things from sleep apnea (does he snore?) to narcolepsy to diabetes etc etc cause extreme fatigue. Perhaps he is overstimulating himself on caffiene to try to counteract the tiredness? Has he developed a poor sleep routine? Does he get headaches upon waking? Simply getting up with your daughter at night should not cause him to drop off so often and so randomly.

My husband has severe sleep issues. He has fallen asleep at the stove at 2am to make spaghetti. He has fallen asleep at the wheel and thankfully only had a minor accident. There are times where I'm ticked because he doesn't look after his health and his falling asleep interupts us during our rare times together but that's really a minor irritation compared to what potentially could happen.

You should ask your husband to see a doctor.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Fledgling said:


> Pardon me for saying so, OP, but I think you are being too hard on your husband right now given the fact that he is taking care of your daughter at night to help you in your pregnancy.  It sounds to me that you feel like he is ignoring you or bored by you but this honestly does not appear to be the case.
> 
> If I were you I would be far more worried about his health. A myriad of things from sleep apnea (does he snore?) to narcolepsy to diabetes etc etc cause extreme fatigue. Perhaps he is overstimulating himself on caffiene to try to counteract the tiredness? Has he developed a poor sleep routine? Does he get headaches upon waking? Simply getting up with your daughter at night should not cause him to drop off so often and so randomly.
> 
> ...


To answer a few things, he doesn't snore, is active, no sleep apnea or anything. He also doesn't think coffee, tea or soda...so he has NO caffeine. I respect his choice not to and I do worry about his health and asked if he'd see a dr about it...but he thinks it'll be useless (he did have bloodwork done last year to look at testosterone levels and a regular panel and EVERYTHING was normal). He's also in healthcare so I can agree with him that it's probably nothing medical except that he just needs more sleep. I will be staying at home soon (in a few weeks) for this 2nd baby and I told him I'll get up etc so he can sleep but he keeps insisting, he should be up helping too. :scratchhead:


He does go to sleep too late, I tell him that...like 11 or 12 and has to be out the door at 6:30. It's not THAT bad but because he gets up once or twice a night for our toddler it's not good. I keep telling him let me help out more so you can rest but he feels like it's his job to let me rest and be comfortable. I know its very nice of him and I appreciate it but he can't do it at the detriment of his own health.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I know its very nice of him and I appreciate it but he can't do it at the detriment of his own health.


If you're worried about his health, then let him nod off. The man is tired. It's nothing PERSONAL.

I can't imagine having to have a fight because I'm sleepy. I'm very irritable when I haven't had a full nights rest. Sounds like he is too.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> If you're worried about his health, then let him nod off. The man is tired. It's nothing PERSONAL.
> 
> I can't imagine having to have a fight because I'm sleepy. I'm very irritable when I haven't had a full nights rest. Sounds like he is too.


Yeah you're right...

I apologized to him, told him I don't know how he feels and I want to help, please let me help so he doesn't feel like this.

And he insists that let me just be done with work for now and then I can help more but right now he sees I'm stress, pregnant and tired so he doesn't like the thought of me being more stressed now. What can I say...nothing. Just appreciate him.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

Are you sure about the sleep apnea? You really can't tell for sure unless he's been tested. This sounds a lot like my husband. My hubby was the classic body type to NOT have apnea and the doctor was shocked at how bad he tested. The CPAP machine has really helped.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> My husband goes to bed at 11 or so at night, will get up with our toddler sometimes (before he deployed) and will still get up at 530 to get ready for work..and he was always totally fine. On his days off he would take naps but I don't blame him for that. Are you sure it's. not health related? how many hours of sleep does he usually get a night?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




He probably goes to sleep realistically at 12...sometimes a little later (12:30 or 1). Then gets up at 5:15/5:30. And in those hours of sleep sometimes gets up once or twice.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Now I'm getting more worried...so I talked to husband.

We both agreed that he will sleep earlier, like 10:30-11 at the latest (and I'll do whatever so he can sleep earlier)

Then after 2 months we'll re-evaluate. If he's still doing this, he will go see a dr about it, otherwise things *should* be better.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

this is so true
"you don't understand, I have nothing to do here [at a coffee shop]"


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> Well, that's a good first step for him to go to bed a bit earlier. If he is really going to bed and not falling asleep until 1230 or 1, he could be really sleep deprived by now. I mean he is getting 4 hours a night IF he doesn't get up with the toddler...obviously less if he does. Over time, that can really wear on the body.
> 
> I think setting an earlier bed time for himself (such as 10pm) for now, would allow him time to relax before falling asleep.
> 
> I find it sweet that he wants you to get your rest (I am 34 weeks pregnant so, I know how tired you are as well) but he really needs to take some time to sleep a little more. You can always ask for help if you need it, but try to let him get a little more sleep for now and see if that helps.



Thank you  He took a shower and I told him I'll clean up in the kitchen you just GO TO BED. He fell asleep pretty quickly and that was at 10:40  He also agreed he would drink more water (his idea) and take a multivitamin. I said I'll do whatever I have to in my schedule to get him in a better sleeping schedule because if our health goes, we all as a family will suffer


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Thank you  He took a shower and I told him I'll clean up in the kitchen you just GO TO BED. He fell asleep pretty quickly and that was at 10:40  He also agreed he would drink more water (his idea) and take a multivitamin. I said I'll do whatever I have to in my schedule to get him in a better sleeping schedule because if our health goes, we all as a family will suffer


This is good!  Maybe he would be agreeable to rotating turns with your toddler in the middle of the night. If she wakes twice, you each take a turn, or if its only once, then rotate nights.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Maybe he really is just tired. As you mentioned, he attends to your toddler's needs so you could have enough rest. However, I'm a bit worried how he can take naps even when he is sitting. Have you tried checking his blood sugar. Sometimes health issues causes someone to be abnormally sleepy.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Being so tired during the day that you start to "nod off" cannot be a good thing.

I do not think there is a minimum or maximum amount of sleep that would work for everyone (we are all different). I know when I was in my late teens through to about 30 I could function well on 4 to 5 hours a night of quality sleep (undisturbed) but now (late 40's) I find I need 6 - 7 hours a night.

When the first of our kids were little (we had 3 under 5 at one stage) my wife and I used to split the night between us. I would get up to the kids for any problem before 2 am and she would do anything after that this meant that we each got 4 solid hour and then 4 more were we might have to get up.

Having done many deployments and then shift work after I came out I know that I work better if there is a regular pattern to my sleep.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> He probably goes to sleep realistically at 12...sometimes a little later (12:30 or 1). Then gets up at 5:15/5:30. And in those hours of sleep sometimes gets up once or twice.


So he's getting between 4 1/2 and 5 hours of sleep each night.

This isn't complicated. He's not getting enough sleep and thus he's unable to function during the day.

He should be getting a minimum of 7 hours each night--a minimum. That means going to bed at 10:00 (and by going to bed, I mean lights out and head on the pillow at 10:00).

And, 7 might not even be enough. 8 or 9 might be his magic number. 

Don't try and rationalize your way into less sleep, because (1) you could get so much more done with that extra hour each day, and (2) you know someone that does just fine on 5 hours of sleep each day. If your husband was allergic to peanuts, would you feed him peanut butter, because you know others that eat peanuts without a problem? Why assume he can function on 5 hours of sleep, because someone else can?

Your post just shows he can't function on 5 hours of sleep. That extra 1-2 hours of time is useless if your head is in a fog from lack of sleep. Plus, it affects your ability to think the rest of the day. Your husband wouldn't be the first person to get fired from their job, because they were in a mental fog during the day due to a lack of sleep. He certainly won't get that promotion or pay raise.

I'm in Mensa, and one of the things I learned through them was that people that don't get enough sleep function at a lower IQ level during the day. Literally, not getting enough sleep will lower your IQ. Getting plenty of sleep each night allows your mind to function at its actual IQ level. There's not much point to skipping out on your sleep so you can "get up early and be a go-getter" if it means your going to get up early and be a mentally dull go-getter. 

As I got older, I had a harder and harder time keeping up. Like your husband, I started to find myself drifting off at meetings. Part of me was embarrassed that I couldn't keep the candle lit at both ends like I did when I was younger. When I finally swallowed my pride and raised my sleep time to 8.5 hours, everything clicked into place. I was more alert during the day, more energetic, and I was actually getting more done than I had previously--even with the extra 2 hours a day of "productive" time.

Sure, different people need different amounts of sleep each day. But, that doesn't mean you should assume your husband is at the low end of the scale and can function on 5 hours. That could also mean your husband is at the high end and needs 9 hours of sleep each day.

Try increasing your husband's sleep for a few weeks and see if it makes a difference. Even if he has to go to bed embarrassing early (I know, only old people go to bed at 9, but he'll have to get over it), make him do it. See if sleeping between 7 and 9 hours each day makes a difference.

Hey, you know 5 hours each day ain't working, so try something else. Continuing to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I like the idea of him going to bed earlier.And ya'll rotate nights.You be on call each ever other day for the toddler.Also of course it could be another physical problem...But I have no problem believing an otherwise healthy person could have exhaustion that bad (falling asleep sitting up during the day) just from the chronic sleep deprivation you describe.And I'm sorry I think for the average person a maximum it sounds like he is getting most nights of under 6 hours of INTERUPTED sleep would cause chronic fatigue.And it does damage too.My understanding is not enough sleep really can't ever be "gotten back' or "made up for".It was hard for me to understand or grasp the article I read but that was the gist.You lose it (sleep) you cant get it back "later" as far as the damage done.All you can do is to stop continuing to do more damage.I guess an analogy would be if you dont eat for a week there is damage done.And doubling what you eat the next week doesn't "catch you up" for the prior week.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Also I do understand that "power naps" during the day are helpful .So maybe even these little "micro naps' LOL>>hes taking when he is sitting up at work when its slow are his saving grace so to speak.Maybe if he was forced somehow to stay up and not get those he would have already collapsed.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Funny story on that my grandmother who just recently died at 98.Was always and early to bed early to rise lady.I'm sure during her life she got the "8" hours solid most the time..But maybe the last 10 years ?She slept MANY times a day for anywhere form 20 minutes to a couple hours just wherever she was sitting.And at night she only slept maybe 3 hours..I think those "naps" just continuously "reboot her" LOL>>>


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I don't know if people saw but I updated towards the bottom of the first page...so we have a plan now in place. I hope it works!


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