# No idea how to do this or move forward



## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So after looking around on this for awhile, I haven't seen anyone post a story like mine, so here it goes.... 
I have been with my wife for going on 9 years. We knew each other since high school but didn't start seeing each other until I was 20 and she was 18. 

We started talking on Facebook then when she came home from college, she was going to school in Georgia and we are from a suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio. When she came for winter break, we started hanging out and within two weeks we fell madly in-love. This was Dec 2009. We stayed together through her next semester, doing the long distance thing tuff but was worth it. She moved back home in the summer and decided to go to a local college in order to be with me. 

Everything was great. We did everything together and had so much fun. We we're insapratable. 

Then December 2010 she out of no where decided she wants to break up so she could focus on school and she was just overwhelmed by her family to do good in school. I was devastated. I was confused and hurt. Oddly enough though 2 days later she calls me and says she wants to get back together. I was just so happy to have her back that I just swept what happened under the rug and moved. (SPOILERS) This is the break when she had sex with T. 

Very shortly after that We moved in together in Jan 2011. Our first daughter was born in Feb. 2013. 

It was February 2015 and my daughter was just turning 2. My wife (girlfriend at the time) asked me if I would be OK if she started watching her friends baby, her friend who was a guy. 

Now I was fine with her having guy friends but I thought it was weird that someone she barely talked to would ask her to watch his child but at the time we were broke for I was the only one working (I was also going to college part time) and we were broke so I oked it. This should have been the first red flag. 

Fast forward a few weeks and one night she comes home from her friends house (or so she says) and tells me that she hasn't been happy since before the baby, there was no spark between us and if she had somewhere to go, she would leave and she wanted to take a break. 

A few days later we decide to work things out and things were actually better for about a week. Then one day I come home and I'm sitting on the bed and I notice she gets a text message from this guy (we'll just call him T) so I decide to read what it says.

It was nothing incriminating but I did see (before she came back in the room) is she sent him a picture of cookies she just made and wrote "these are for you!  ". 

This in itself isn't that bad but the fact that the whole day she was being rude and mean to me, made me feel like ****. So I confront her and she says that they are just friends but they have been talking for awhile and she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would think she was cheating. I didn't really believe but I had no evidence.

Later that night while laying in bed, I just couldn't stop thinking about it, so I decided to steal her phone and read what they were talking about but she deleted all the text messages. I knew something was wrong. 

When I get home from work the next day I confront her again and she says she knew I would go through her phone so she deleted all the text and her reason was that she wasn't going to talk to him anymore and she didn't want me to misconstrue anything and think she's cheating. Which I knew was bull**** even then because she was still baby sitting for him and knew she would have to communicate with him again regardless. 

She told me that they only talk as friends and that they never hung out or anything. 

Fast forward another week and it's all I can think about. I told her she couldn't watch his kid anymore and she had to cut off all contact with him and at first she refused and told me it's really ****ed up that I want her to give up a friend. (looking back, everytime I have ever confronted her about a lie or contradiction she would react in anger) 

We fought about it for a few more days and it wasn't until I threatened to leave did she finally agree and apologize for everything. 

I never really believed anything she said but at the time I was so afraid of her taking my kids away I just accepted and tried to move on even though I knew she was lying to me. 

Over the next few years things between us were very Rocky. I would bring up what happened and she just kept denying. We'd have good periods and bad periods but the whole while I knew that she lied to me about all that.

Things started getting a lot better between us once she started working and we were finally getting ahead in life. Theeeeeen I got her pregnant.... Again. 

But this time she couldn't get insurance because we made too much money. I suggested we get married. She would drop hints about all the time but I always wanted to wait until we were more financially stable. We both really talked about our options and came to the conclusion that getting married would be best for our family and we did (and still do) love each other. (looking back I realize that with as much doubt that I had, I should not have married her) 

Then I found out that I have ADHD. Now that I have been medicated for awhile, all this stuff that happened with this T guy just started really playing over and over on my mind. To the point were I confronted her yet again and she still told me the same thing. I knew she was still lying because over the years, I learned that she has tells when she's lying about something and all the tells were there when she would talk about it. 

Then on this last Saturday I was so obsessed with what happened that I started digging through all her old phones and laptops just trying to get some evidence but still could find nothing. I finally broke down and told her flat out I think shes lying still and I want her to take a polygraph test. She started to get angry and said if was so ****ed up I didn't trust her, I knew though this was a deflection. So I persisted and told her either she does this or I'm filing for divorce. 

At first she started to say to just file then. I knew right then that I was in fact correct about her deceit. So she proceeds to tell me that when we first started dating (in which she broke up with me for 2 days) she slept with T.

Then told me she was only talking to him as friends at first but then he made it sexual and she decided to stop talking him after that. But they did hang out once but nothing happened between them when they did. (I think this is all more lies) 

I was so crushed and angry that I started screaming at her and was ready to walk out. Then to make matters worse I started to think about everything a little more and I realized that when we went on that "break" in which she slept with T, was actually after us being together for a year not within the two weeks we first started dating. So many lies and she can't keep them strait. 

So not only had she been lying to me about what was going on with her texting T but then she tells me she slept with him after breaking up with me. I'll never forget how she phrased it either. She said "Do you want me to tell you something I hid in order to save our relationship?" It burn every time I hear her say this in my mind. 

Now I don't know what to do. All the days since have been a emotional roller coaster. One day I'm angry , the next I'm crying uncontrollably, the next I'll feel nothing. 

I also have no where to go. For now I'm stuck here. It's been so hard because when I'm around her and the kids, I just want to forget it all and just move on from this but whenever I'm away from her, even just the next room everything starts playing over in my head and I keep remembering different details that just make it all worse.

I think she's still hiding stuff about all this. Though she said she I could put Spyware on her phone and go to marriage counseling but even though she agreed to it, she's very reluctant to take a polygraph.

I think if I do make her do that I'm going to find out even more. So now I have to make the decision to either stay with her and try to make it work or do I leave and tear my 5 year olds world apart. 

I do love her and want to forgive her but I feel like it's just too much now. Too many lies and so much deceit. If she would have been honest about it all. I would have forgiven her. But the amount of lies and deceit make me think that all of it was a lie. That I was just easy to use. 

And now I'll tell her I want to make it work, then I'll wake up the next morning and won't even be able to look at her. 

I also will show affection because in a way I feel guilty that she feels so guilty. I'll say I love you too but I do it reluctantly. We also keep having really good sex through all of this. The sex been better than when we first met. I've basically took all control of the bedroom. I also made her orgasm through oral for the first time. (I know she didn't fake that) I probably shouldn't be but I have a very high sex drive and she is the opposite. So I figured get it while I can. 

I feel the weight of my family's future resting on my shoulders. A part of me wants to just leave and give up on all this. 

I feel like just accepting and moving on isn't fair. She gets to cause me all this pain and pretty much get away with it. I've thought about going out and having sex with someone else but it wouldn't make me feel any better. Maybe it would. I don't know anymore, it seems as though my judgment is off. 

Almost feel like the worst part is that I feel guilty for making her feel guilty. Maybe that means I do want to forgive her. 

Now I feel more alone then ever and I don't how to move forward. I don't want to leave my home but I don't know if I want her to be apart of it.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Would love to respond but it would be helpful if you broke up your text into paragraphs. Very overwhelming, confusing when trying to read it

Also, story may be different but the script is usually the same. You'll see


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BeardedAndBroken


You have a number of problems that need to be addressed.

The most important one, is whether you want to stay married or are looking for an excuse to divorce. This happened a long time ago. I can understand why you are upset. However, when you first discovered her not telling you about the phone, you didn't establish a clear boundary with your wife as to your needing to be able to trust her, if you were to have a successful marriage. You swept that under the rug by not dealing with it.

Later when you found out she has slept with him, you got angry. You didn't explain to her that you that omission was a significant lie and breach of your ability to ever trust her. You also didn't suggest marriage counseling to see if the two of you could reconcile your marriage for the sake of your children.

You need to figure out what you are capable of and if that includes real forgiveness. If it does, then you should get some marriage counseling and maybe individual counseling so you can change yourself so you can forgive her and so that you can express to her and get her to understand what you need in a marriage and what boundaries you expect her to never cross.

Good luck. I see you as working yourself up in anger over what you accepted, her not being totally truthful and in your not really giving it the attention it deserved at the time.

Good luck. Think of your two children and get some marriage counseling.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, paragraphs are awesome.

Second, dump her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She put you in this situation but your rug-sweeping and burying your head in the sand has kept you where you're at.

She lied upfront and continues too.


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## koswoli (Oct 16, 2017)

Paragraphs are your friend.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Do not go sleep with someone else to get back at her. That’s immature and vengeful. If that is where you mind is then just leave. 
You said you loved her and you want to forgive her. If that’s true then try and focus on that until you don’t feel that way anymore. If she is willing to come clean about EVERYTHING. You have a chance at being happy. Don’t just sweep it under the rug though. It will eat you alive. 
True reconciliation requires A LOT of maturity, communication and honesty. If she is truly sorry and willing to be as forthcoming as you require then it can work. If she ISN’T willing to do those things then go ahead and find a good lawyer because it won’t work. 
Also, Women who want to keep their family together will use whatever tools they have at their disposal,including sex. Enjoy it if you like but understand that can’t have a bearing on what you decide. Through it all, be patient. It’s is a slow roller coaster ride of highs and lows. AS LONG AS SHE IS DOING HER PART, dont lose heart during the lows. It can get better. Also, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

B&B:

1. Gut reactions are usually spot on. You know what has happened. 

2. Lawyer Up. You need to find out your options. You want to be able to file and serve at a moment's notice. 

3. Take your ADHD meds so you can focus. Stay hydrated. Eat properly.

4. Start the "180". Read up on it. Start the process. She is using sex to cloud your judgement.

5. She has been abusive. Rather than help you heal by being honest, she has "gaslighted" you.

6. Start looking for an IC for yourself that specializes in infidelity recovery. MC won't do much with an un-regretful cheater. 

7. "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it." This is a stare down and you had better not blink or you will be stuck in this limbo forever. 

8. Find a polygraph and get it scheduled. She needs to know you are serious about the divorce if she refuses. If she refuses, you slap the papers on her as soon as possible. This is war buddy. Believe it.

9. You need to inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse) as soon as possible. Do not inform your wife that you are doing this. This will also show you if the WW is still in contact with the OM.

10. Be strong. Be courageous. Be decisive. Your children are depending on you. She has put them at risk through her decisions, not you. That is the only way we get through these soul destroying events. Be the man you have to be.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing Dawg. When the relationship is such that you need a break, seeing other people is in the cards. Don't always happen, but not surprising when it does. Say this three times a day. "People don't cheat in healthy relationships", "people don't cheat in healthy relationship", "people don't cheat in healthy relationship".

BTW, from your wall of words, I couldn't determine if "T" screwed her during the break before or after y'all were married. Whichever it was, it was a long time ago and if she's been on the wagon since, you may want to think twice before throwing in the towel. Level the playing field and go get you some strange poon tang if it'll make you feel better.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

B and B,

If you plan on staying with her stick with your demand of the polygraph test, odds are good she has been sleeping with him all along, especially after the sudden "I'm not happy with things". You know she has cheated on you but to what extent. The poly will resolve that for you, and you will likely realize what she did is a dealbreaker. The sex is just to make you rugsweep the whole thing and put you in a ***** coma.
If you do decide to reconcile make sure you consider how this will eat at you for the rest of your days with her. In the end, it's your call, don't do it for the kid, they will be more screwed up by growing up in a dysfunctional, resentful home than they will ever be growing up with two happy parents who aren't together. keep posting and take care of yourself.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

She lied to you and you have tolerated this with no consequences of whatsoever.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Look everyone. This should be better. Before I was in a rush and was trying to keep my distance from her.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

You're right. It feels entirely unfair.


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## irrelevant (May 29, 2017)

Even though I am no expert and in no condition to give advice, I had to check in due to some personal triggers of mine in your story. I admire how you held out through years of suffering trickle truth, it takes a strong man to bear that pain.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> (looking back, everytime I have ever confronted her about a lie or contradiction she would react in anger)


This shows you mastered the situation intelectually, you just need to do the same emotionally.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> Then I found out that I have ADHD. Now that I have been medicated for awhile


Expert medical opinions should never be ignored but nevertheless consider a second opinion too. Don't be treated like a number. You are a human. Stay awake.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> She said "Do you want me to tell you something I hid in order to save our relationship?"


Pure magic.



BeardedAndBroken said:


> I feel like just accepting and moving on isn't fair.


What ever you do, always keep that compass by your side. Always question.

You will get a lot of good advice from people here and maybe some bad advice. But no matter what decision you make in the end, this board will help you learn from yourself. Stay strong.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> Things started getting a lot better between us once she started working and we were finally getting ahead in life. Theeeeeen I got her pregnant.... Again.


Just for grins, get a DNA test.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Malaise said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > Things started getting a lot better between us once she started working and we were finally getting ahead in life. Theeeeeen I got her pregnant.... Again.
> ...


I know they're mine. They look more like me then her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your "wife" it seems has always played you like a fiddle. You do not really have a marriage. You have a self-entitled, deceitful, lying, cheating partner who has tied you to her through kids. If you ignore this (as you have more or less done so far), it will eat you alive for the rest of your life or until she decides to dump you if she finds someone else. And all through this, expect her to not be faithful if it takes her fancy or she meets someone she wants a fling with. The pattern will be the same - pick a fight with you, need "space", **** somebody else, come back to you, and then get angry and throw a tantrum if you question any of it.

You cannot live your life like this and if you think you are staying for the wellbeing of your kids, know this - your kids will be better off if they see you happy in a confident relationship with someone else rather than be a doormat and always unhappy. Everyone will respect you more too (including your cheating wife).

You need to consult an attorney and understand your rights and how to protect yourself financially and with respect to custody. Then file for Divorce (yes, start the process before you even confront her - you can always stop it later if necessary).

Then, go to her and insist on the poly - if she refuses, tell her that you have filed and then do the 180. That means do not engage her for your own peace of mind and start focussing on yourself. The only time you communicate with her is when it is to do with the kids or the divorce. 

Work on yourself physically. Eat better, exercise, dress better etc.

It will not be easy but you will detach and start to feel better about yourself and be in a better position to enjoy your kids and do better in life.

Now this is where the real difficult part comes: she will probably come back to you promising the earth and you need to determine what you should do. If she comes clean, you still need to determine if you have the whole truth. If she apologises, you still need to determine if she is truly remorseful because of the pain she caused or is simply sorry that she got caught. She will have to work very hard to win you back and this is where we, here at TAM, can help you and advise you every step of the way.

As others have said you may think your story is unique but it really isn't - it's been seen here many many times before.

Do not dilly dally on this - the longer you delay the more pain you will suffer.

Take care.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

You all have giving me some insight. I thank you for that. This is hell right now. I mean I want to go to sleep but I know she's going to wake up and want to say hi to me and I'm gonna wanna break down.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Everything starts opening up and clicking when you realize you can replace her with someone who's actually better for you in every way possible. You can't change her, but you can change you. Go for it and never look back. Your pain will dissipate and happiness will follow sometime thereafter. I've been there. Sometimes the best remedy is to roll. No strategy, tactic, marriage counseling and all that xxxx. Go to IC to get your head right and healthy and then share your heart with a person worthy of handling it with the respect, love and delicacy that it deserves, then come back here in 6 months or a year and tell us what life's like in the happy lane. Life's too short to fk around with people who don't know what they want. Garner the courage to pursue your happiness. You'll respect yourself for having done so and ironically will earn her respect also even though it wasn't for that purpose. Wayward spouses begin appreciating betrayed spouses when they see the BS charting a course without them, so that's what you have to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm always amazed at how people bury their head in the sand and ignore the truth that is so obvious right in front of their eyes. After
that they go on to make all these crazy "reasons" why it is happening. They will write up a huge story with 10 obvious statements that
are each enough of a reason to exit a marriage and then focus on just one as there basis of deciding to work it out or leave.
I have ADHD really bad ..... but it doesn't make me a fool.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Polygraph time, brother


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Also, is her boyfriend married?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Listen to Eric !!!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

T has a kid. Do you know him? Have you seen the kid? Is he married?

How long ago exactly did this all go down?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> You all have giving me some insight. I thank you for that. This is hell right now. I mean I want to go to sleep but I know she's going to wake up and want to say hi to me and I'm gonna wanna break down.


 Google search The 180 technique (or maybe someone has a good link) and do it. It will help you to get separation from her so you can make good decisions and think clearly.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I think you should take her up on it and set up a polygraph.

Also, take her old phones to a computer specialist to see if the texts can be recovered.

Do you have a deal breaker? For example, if she confessed she's been having a physical affair with T for the past 2 years, and on and off before that ever since "the break," would you definitely divorce? If so, and she thinks that, why would she come clean?

Again, polygraph and see if you can get the deleted texts recovered.

Also, the other guy is a single dad? Only he interacts with your wife about babysitting?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Bearded:

You know exactly what is going on. 

You know T isn't the last time she's cheated on you. 

You know she isn't trustworthy.

You have to decide a couple of things.

One, do you love yourself enough to refuse to remain in a relationship with somebody who is clearly a serial adulteress?

Two, are you willing to bank on yourself being able to provide one stable, loving home for your children, on a part-time basis, as opposed to living full-time in a dysfunctional one with you and her still together?

Lastly, follow through with the polygraph. I promise you she will either refuse, fail, or you will get a parking lot confession.

My opinion is that you cannot extricate this woman from your life fast enough.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

She slept with him after we were together for a year in Dec 2010. She started talking to him again around feb 2015 but she claims they only hung out once. She also claims that toward the end before she cut it off, T wanted to make it sexual. Also he's not married. His baby momma left while he was talking to my wife


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> She slept with him after we were together for a year in Dec 2010. She started talking to him again around feb 2015 but she claims they only hung out once. She also claims that toward the end before she cut it off, T wanted to make it sexual. Also he's not married. His baby momma left while he was talking to my wife


Do you believe it?


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > She slept with him after we were together for a year in Dec 2010. She started talking to him again around feb 2015 but she claims they only hung out once. She also claims that toward the end before she cut it off, T wanted to make it sexual. Also he's not married. His baby momma left while he was talking to my wife
> ...


I think it's all half truths


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> You all have giving me some insight. I thank you for that. This is hell right now. I mean I want to go to sleep but I know she's going to wake up and want to say hi to me and I'm gonna wanna break down.


It's extremely unfortunate, but I wouldn't break down in front of her. Some WS are burdened by their BS's sadness, BUT MOST DON'T CARE and, in fact are prone to exploiting your emotional response as evidence you're not going anywhere (no consequences) and a license to continue the affair shamelessly. Infidelity brings out the worst in those you once believed in the most. Herein lies the source of every betrayed spouses pain. 

You'll do yourself a HUGE favor by BELIEVING everything you see as being real and not some anomaly. EVERYTHING. This is why reconciliation is off the table until you begin to know and accept your "new" wife. Some character traits lay dormant until ripe circumstances draw them to the surface. You have choices though that can reroute your life. Notice I said, your life, but not your wife or marriage. They're tough choices, but nonetheless they're still yours. She's made choices and they don't involve what's best for you or family. You now have to make tough choices *for what's best for you and your family.* 

If you don't, she will continue running amok and dictating the terms of how you and your family will operate. She's proven to be unworthy of making responsible choices for you and your family so you have to wrestle her influence away from her simply by responding with ACTION and responsibility. You're on the clock and the ball's (pun unintended) in your court.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I think it's all half truths


Which is enough to know that she's lying.

Why would she lie to you?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to talk to his ‘baby mama’


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

I've been thinking about that. I don't know how much she knows.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I've been thinking about that. I don't know how much she knows.


That’s why you need to talk to her. She left when he was “talking” to your wife. That’s a mighty big coincidence. Maybe she caught them together.
Do you know who she is?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I know they're mine. They look more like me then her.


It's not just to test your children -- it will show your wife how much you mistrust her and how much this has affected you...


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > I know they're mine. They look more like me then her.
> ...


I told her that the thought has crossed my mind.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So I told her I called a polygraph place, which I really did. $395 is steep. She says she'll do it but she can't take the up and downs and wants to separate until test time. I think she's just done now because she knows I'm not gonna just let it go this time.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So I told her I called a polygraph place, which I really did. $395 is steep. She says she'll do it but she can't take the up and downs and *wants to separate until test time*. I think she's just done now because she knows I'm not gonna just let it go this time.


That is one of the most common cheater phrases unfortunately


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So I told her I called a polygraph place, which I really did. $395 is steep. She says she'll do it but she can't take the up and downs and wants to separate until test time. I think she's just done now because she knows I'm not gonna just let it go this time.


 Tell her , “see ya at the polygraph”. See if she is bluffing. Also maybe now that she sees you aren’t backing down she will just come out with the whole truth so you can save $395.00.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> She says she'll do it but she can't take the up and downs and *wants to separate until test time*.


Translation: You just called my bluff, so I need to buy some uninterrupted time to see if I can work things out with the OM before I'm busted.

B&B, no genuinely remorseful spouse would ask for separation time after they got caught cheating.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

You just learned what you need to know and saved yourself the $395. File for divorce.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

I'm also thinking about confronting T. I know him, I knew him since high school. I also have his phone number.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I'm also thinking about confronting T. I know him, I knew him since high school. I also have his phone number.


 Don't waste your time. Why should he help you? Your wife has been cheating on you with him and he doesn't want to screw that up, plus he probably doesn't want to set himself up for a possible ass whippin'. 
Tell your wife that there will be no separation unless it leads to a divorce. You can't fix anything in your marriage when you are not together and she has all of the free time she needs to hook up with T.
Personally, I would file for divorce and if she showed true remorse, came clean and passed a poly I might consider stopping the d, but I would likely follow through with it and let her earn my trust back after the divorce while competing with any other likely companion possibilities.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I also will show affection because in a way I feel guilty that she feels so guilty. I'll say I love you too but I do it reluctantly. We also keep having really good sex through all of this. The sex been better than when we first met. I've basically took all control of the bedroom. I also made her orgasm through oral for the first time. (I know she didn't fake that) I probably shouldn't be but I have a very high sex drive and she is the opposite. So I figured get it while I can.


I'm 58 years old and in my young years, I heard the stories about the milk man, the mail man, the delivery man while hubby is at work. On one hand, I found it hard to believe women cheat so much. On the other hand, I couldn't understand why they did. And then I grew up, and got a better understanding.

I didn't read any of the responses because I know the general propensity on this board is that cheaters are the scum of the earth. I can imagine all the people telling you to leave her, see a lawyer, and all that jazz. I agree with them. It's awful for a person to cheat, but I want to play devil's advocate for just a minute and hope you will be open to what I have to say. The disclaimer is that I am, in no way whatsoever, trying to make you think or feel her cheating is your fault or that you did anything to cause her to cheat. I just want to give you a keyhole's view of the possible reason that she did it.

Like you, a lot of men conclude their wife has a low sex drive because she turns him down a lot. But that doesn't necessarily mean she has a low sex drive. Some women do go through those periods but by and large, there are urges that she concludes have to be ignored because sex won't be satisfying no matter how much sex she has. She basically gives up the ghost of hope and decides there's no point in having sex because she will again be unfulfilled so why bother. These feelings also make her husband pretty much useless to her in the sex department even though she still loves him and wants the relationship/marriage to remain intact. So she often tells him "I'm not in the mood" or "I have a headache" or "I don't like sex" or something similar.

I've had boyfriends who tried to please me but they didn't know how so sex fell flat. I had one very VERY brief boyfriend who thought sex was just for men. He had no clue that women do/should/were supposed to enjoy sex also, so he thought I was just there for his purpose. Imagine how that made me feel. He was toast in no time. Another boyfriend was a minuteman, so sex with him was completely, wholly, and entirely unfulfilling and pointless for me (like the last guy), yet I loved him and stayed with him for 2.5 years although I spent that time sexually starved. Before these two guys was my husband, whom I married very young. I was his first and he was my second so we were both so inexperienced. He tried and was more than willing to please me, but neither of us knew how to do that. I had no idea what to ask him to do or how to do it. I never told him sex wasn't satisfying. I didn't even know that it was supposed to be or that it could be. All I knew was that it wasn't, so I dealt silently with the urges and the need for it to feel good and the need for release. It's just not something that women tell their man, and that's basically because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but it's also because she can't put it into words. And, due to her inexperience, she doesn't know how to help him please her. She doesn't know what needs to be done. Most women learn that from men who do know, which I had the opportunity to find out after my divorce and going through a couple more duds (who might not have been duds if they were more experienced or if I know how to teach them). But a lot of men don't know either, so if there never arises the opportunity through different partners and experimentation, a woman lives silently with those needs that she doesn't know what to do about. Intercouse is satisfying for a man just because he is inside her and thrusting, but it's not nearly that simple for a woman. Even if it does feel good, it can still be unsatisfying when neither partner knows what she requires because it takes more for her than just him being inside and thrusting. This can be awfully confusing for a woman not really understanding why she has sex but is still unsatisfied. She needs more but doesn't know what, and so she's vulnerable, which kind of explains those stories about the milkman, mail man, and delivery man while hubby was at work.

I'm not at all saying a woman is justified for cheating. I'm just saying that often times a woman can be confused and vulnerable. I don't doubt your wife loves you and didn't want to hurt you. It seems she broke up with you for those few days so she could be with T. She was just creating an excuse to be able to say "we had broken up and weren't together" to make the tryst seem legitimate and convince herself that she wasn't cheating. If she was subsequently with him, I just think she's looking for what she hasn't been getting. So you tell us that you made her cum for the first time. I'm trying to paint the picture of what she's been going through all these years prior to her guy finally paying the attention and giving her an orgasm. Sexual satisfaction - orgasms and all the great feelings leading up to it - is what she has been searching for whether she knew it or not. She just knew she needed more but not at the cost of the relationship and marriage. The problem is that she looked elsewhere, and that was a big mistake and a very big problem.

She has also lied, deflected, and gaslighted you, which are the cheater's method of operation. It's a lot you're dealing with mentally and emotionally, so maybe you need help trying to wade through all the turmoil going on inside your head. It could help you to forgive her and you guys move forward and make your marriage stronger and better than ever, or it can help you decide that you cannot forgive and move forward to call it quits.

Marriage Builders: How To Survive Infidelity
Divorce Busters: Healing from Infidelity


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

I don't think she's talked to him since. I've gone through her phone a million times since and never found anything suspicious. I honestly don't think she told anyone about this except for her one friend.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

It was the first time I have made her an orgasm ORAL SEX. I usually always make her orgasm. She actually has always been weird about oral sex on her. She says she gets really self conscious and she can't get into it. I started reading up on how to make a woman orgasm through oral and just tried what I read and it worked. I'm not being defensive here (OK, maybe a little) but I know that's not the reason she was doing everything.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So I think I'm going to stay for now. I'm going to tell her as soon as we gather the money, she's taking the polygraph and I want to go to marriage counseling. She's pretty much agreed to all this already. Some parts of me think she may actually be telling me the truth this time. I'll list my reasons.

1. I'm poor. I have no skills. Literally right before found out all this she was supportive of me quitting my day job to rideshare full time.

2. She really does hate seeing me upset. She always tries to make me feel better about bad situations.

3. The she guy she cheated with makes more money than I and yet she is still wanting to stay here. 

4. She looks genuinely afraid to lose me. I read through some of her messages talking about all this with her friend and she is terrified that I'm going to leave.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It is typically best for one to stop going through their SO phone and get off that insanity train. That only hurts you. If you feel you've got to see a polygraph to believe her, remember that's not normal for a couple.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So your gf/wife has been ****ing T your entire relationship. Sense your ok with it enough to stay with her you might as well let her continue.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> She slept with him after we were together for a year in Dec 2010. She started talking to him again around feb 2015 but she claims they only hung out once. She also claims that toward the end before she cut it off, T wanted to make it sexual. Also he's not married. His baby momma left while he was talking to my wife


When did she start babysitting for him?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I think it's all half truths


It’s all lies. You honestly believe they weren’t seeing one another before she started babysitting his child. Who better to watch ones child then the girl your having sex with. Especially sense she is home watching her own children. 

He didn’t just contact her out of the blue. 

Your relationship was rocky because she was in a relationship with T.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So I think I'm going to stay for now. I'm going to tell her as soon as we gather the money, she's taking the polygraph and I want to go to marriage counseling. She's pretty much agreed to all this already. Some parts of me think she may actually be telling me the truth this time. I'll list my reasons.
> 
> 1. *I'm poor. I have no skills*. Literally right before found out all this she was supportive of me quitting my day job to rideshare full time.
> 
> ...



Your wife may genuinely love you but that doesn't mean she wasn't hooking up with T again. Her fear is probably fear of becoming a single mom or breaking up the family.

As for choosing you, even though T makes more money, let's be real. T ain't looking to take on a woman with another man's kid. Many dudes will future fake a girl to get them to give themselves completely but when it comes down to moving in together with someone else's kid, they will postpone indefinitely. Your wife probably sees the righting on the wall with T. 

That's probably what happened with T. He's looking for a friends with Benefits, and she's looking for a MAN to rescue her from a husband that is *poor with no skills*. 

This is something you can change. Get your but into some sort of training program and turn your life around. You have a wife and child to support. This is a problem you will have with ANY woman that's worth a damn.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You're going to have a hard life.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I know they're mine. They look more like me then her.


But performing a DNA test on the kids makes it very real for her. Sends a clear message how untrustworthy you think she is. It's a good move.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So I think I'm going to stay for now. I'm going to tell her as soon as we gather the money, she's taking the polygraph and I want to go to marriage counseling. She's pretty much agreed to all this already. Some parts of me think she may actually be telling me the truth this time. I'll list my reasons.
> 
> 1. I'm poor. I have no skills. Literally right before found out all this she was supportive of me quitting my day job to rideshare full time.
> 
> ...


1. Who cares, put a plan in place for some work and stick to it.
2. She hates you being upset because she doesn't want you to make her feel guilty (it's purely selfish).
3. Don't kid yourself. She's a liar and you are plan B (at best) my friend. She would jump ship for plan A tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself.
4. Yeah, afraid of losing her plan B.

Trust your gut. It is more accurate than you can imagine.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I am confused. She broke up with you when she was a teen and cheated then? Now you guys ate married with kids and you found out years later?

I think you guys started out too young and need to work on those issues. Her cheating back then was hardly the act of an adult. I interact with kids in the 18 to 22 year age range and ....children. not in the i am an old geezer way, but in the I remember this age and I see them now and they are children. 

The pain is real, but put that in perspective when it happened. That is not to say that your marriage is not affected, but don't let a kid's actions ruin an adult relationship.

That being said, her last text sounds like she is relieved to be done with a marriage that started out too exclusive and too mature too soon. You guys could work on it, but she sounds like she is relieved.


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