# will it ever end....



## imonthebench (Feb 25, 2010)

I really need to write this, I am at a loss and really need to get my head around this, I am going literally crazy and have no clue what to do... I found out purely by mistake that my wife was in love with someone else on an email! needless to say I tried to keep this to my self as I felt ashamed I had breached her privacy but as it was a mistake (I searched sent email looking for a note she sent to someone as I new she wanted to talk with them I found the word "love" and the first email came back in the preview plane of her telling an old friend that she had fallen in love with one of her good friends husbands!). I tried to talk about our relationship and she shut down, then I admitted what was happening (how I found the email)and she tried to say that it was just a flight of fancy email to one of here friends , however as we "talked" I eventually found out that she had been thinking about getting a divorce from me for over a year......but she wont tell me why or what part of me caused this...how can we try and slowly rebuild our relationship if there is not trust...I dont know what to do... is she staying for the kids/ financial stability? trying to rebuld slowly...how can we start to openly communicate? I have written a note below about what I would say but would I then expose my self as being weak? please I need some advice as I cant talk to anyone else about this.........

here is my note
As I sit here , awake at some random hour, I cant help but think of our relationship. It has been 3 months since my life was changed, since I became aware that your life with me was not working. I know that both of us since have been working hard to adapt and find out what our new relationship could be. For me this has been a very exciting but also difficult period, I can not expected you to understand how I feel unless I let you know. The hardest part is building trust again, trust that we can confide in each other on how we really feel about each other whatever the consequences. I know there were and still are elements of my personality that you like and not like (and this can drive you away and or lead you to falling for others)and I know that you tell these to your close friends, but I cannot rebuild and adjust myself in this relationship unless you start to make me aware to some of these, but it may not be the right time and too early in our stage of the relationship ( I think at minimum we are starting, in part to enjoy each others company again). I’m not asking you to tell me, just letting you know where I am. Do you find it too difficult to discuss with me as Im always around, or too close or you think I may over judge or react? Or are you sound boarding you thoughts and feelings with friends as a great way to help clear things in your mind…but think about whether I can start to be part of this before you make your decisions. ( this may be selfish of me but I think as your husband I do have a right to know how you feel about our relationship before you decide the direction it should take on your own)

I used to be overly sensitive, I used to try and give you space as I thought our relationship was souring because the children were dragging you down, as I loved you I tried to rescue what I loved by giving you as much space by getting you out to socialise as much as possible, its not that I didn’t want to its that I thought you needed it more than me, being also a sociable animal we were both eroding away. I read this completely wrong, I didn’t see that it was me rather than the children that you needed to escape from and that I had become, through my own decisions, more of a “flat” mate/child carer/annoyance, being with me was no longer fun it was suffocating and I think you felt in part responsible that I had become this person, no wonder during the fun social scene you didn’t want me there with you and you looked elsewhere to fill this emptyness, finding someone who was gregarious, made you laugh, we both know who that was and we both now know you had been thinking about other people for a while. What hurts the most is that I think I know now you were trying to protect me from this, yet didn’t think I could handle this (and this was probably very true) but once I found out and that this then blossomed into you feeling you wanted a divorce for more than 6 months I felt very stupid that I hadn’t picked up on it, then I felt angry that you couldn’t talk to me but you could talk to a lot of other people and made a decision without me being in the picture I couldn’t figure out if you were too caring or too selfish.- but Ive moved on from this mostly.

I don’t know where this is going, I don’t know if you do have feelings for me that can grow, I don’t trust my senses enough to check, or whether you have sacrificed yourself for the children, or that being apart would be too messy logistically? Either way I’m at a place that I can handle the truth.. should we go on or shall we both agree to get a divorce? Its unclear to me, it very early days. Uncertainty can be great for a relationship as it takes away the contempt, but it can also destroy if not kept in check, this is why I need to write this…although I may never send this to you…..


Please I need help


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You discuss trust as being an issue, I am unclear. Your trust of her for her feelings for TOM or what might have happened or her trust of you because you were searching through her email.

You are exactly correct if she is unhappy and thinking of divorce you have the right to know why.

Do you suspect there is an affair? (EA or PA)


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

What you are feeling is completely understandable - and things may feel overwhelming right now - but there's hope!

First - _you have time_. Your wife has been considering divorce for a year. I seriously doubt this is true, but even if it is, its been a year and you're still married. Nothing is going to happen instantly.

Second - re: the trust issue - you aren't really clear on what you mean. However, the fact that you brought it up indicates that you sense something is not right. It also sounds this way to me. 

Without further proof, I would not make this an outright accusation, but this is a_ good indication of an affair of some sort_. Your wife mentions the husband of a good friend! How much contact does she have with him? I suspect there is more to this than you know at this time. You'll need to gather some more information. 

Do not confront her with accusations, but at the same time, please realize that if this is an affair, that a lot of what your wife is going through is based upon fantasy - and the things she says are clouded and foggy - she is justifying her feelings by twisting reality.

(the fact that "...but she wont tell me why or what part of me caused this...") is a good clue - normally she would be willing to tell you what your problems are - as long as she feels safe to tell you. If this IS an affair, she won't have answers till she can think of some - which is why I advise you take everything with a HUGE grain of salt right now.

There are things you can do. 

First, learn what causes marriages to fall apart (and why affairs happen).

Second, assess yourself - look at what you may be doing to drive your wife away, and what you can do to make life at home seem desirable.

Third, gather more information.

As for your questions: 

1) "....how can we try and slowly rebuild our relationship if there is not trust...

Some information that may help.


2) "...is she staying for the kids/ financial stability? 

Very possible right now. All of that can change, so look at it as a good place to start.

3) "...how can we start to openly communicate?.."

Find a way to offer the two questionnaires I posted above to her - let her know you are curious about what you may have done, how you can be a better man, etc.


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