# Fell out of love but I can't leave my children.



## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

I've been with my wife for almost 10 years. 8 years married. We have 3 children together, a 7 year old daughter and twin 1 year old daughters. 

We started dating about a year after I got out of a miserable relationship. I moved in with this woman straight out of my mothers house. A place I was dying to get out of because of my older brother which I never got along with. After leaving that relationship, I moved back in with my brother having absolutely no other place to go. It was in this time that I met my current wife through a friend.

We began dating almost instantly. She lived almost 4 hours away, so seeing each other was difficult. When I couldn't stand being in my brothers any longer I moved into a spare bedroom her dad had in his place. By this time we were pretty serious and I was already looking into a transfer from my job to move in with her. I lived in the city whereas she lived in a more rural setting. I really enjoyed visiting her because of the break of the city which I also couldn't stand any longer. 

She got pregnant and after 7 months lost the baby. This was a really stressful time because not only was I still 300 miles away, but we were expecting a baby, then we lost the baby. We wanted to try again but agreed that we should wait until I got my transfer. I thought of a plan to get married and put in for a hardship transfer on the grounds of being stressed because of the distance between myself and my family. We got married. I had prepared the paperwork for the hardship transfer and before I could hand it in, I got the phone call that my transfer had gone through. I don't think anything at the time I was just happy to finally get my transfer. 

I moved into her place and we bought a house. Shortly thereafter we had a baby girl. This was a great time, but I was miserable. I really regretted transferring to a place where I knew no one, and just felt out of place. I went from a city to the country that had absolutely no diversity whatsoever. I struggled for a while but settled in little by little as the years went on. This past year we had a set of twins. 

As the years went on I started losing feelings for my wife. I would find any reason to go out and would leave her alone. She's never been the partying type but I on the other hand love it. We had lots of arguments around this time and I was also drinking heavily. She would say things like, "I know you don't love me your only with me because of your daughter". I always denied such a thing, but in the back of my mind I agreed with her words. One time we had this argument where I discussed with her wanting to leave and we went on like that for a couple of days, but the thought of not being with my daughter every minute of every day, crushed me. I stayed but still have these feelings. 

My wife and I get along really well. And these feelings aren't coming from thoughts of another woman. I have never cheated on my wife. I'm just not happy with her. I also feel that she can be so much happier without me. I always think of being alone and I get this feeling of happiness and excitement. We do everything differently. Her ways frustrate me in so many different ways. She's extremely lazy, she's messy, she has no drive in her for anything, she doesn't turn me on in bed, just to name a few things. 

I am not sure what to do. I would work on this marriage with counseling but I'm not sure if it will help any. I really don't even want to tell her. I know I would hurt her badly. I would also hurt my children. I grew up with my father in and out of my life and promised myself I would never put my children through the same thing.
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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Why would you even consider divorcing her without talking to her and going to counseling ?


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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

Like I said, I would consider counseling but I'm not sure if it would work. I try to stick it out for my kids but I find that I am not happy being with her. I would definitely try counseling before divorce. Who knows maybe it can help my marriage and if not help with a common understanding between the two of us if there is nothing that can be done to help us.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

lester2013 said:


> Like I said, I would consider counseling but I'm not sure if it would work. I try to stick it out for my kids but I find that I am not happy being with her. I would definitely try counseling before divorce. Who knows maybe it can help my marriage and if not help with a common understanding between the two of us if there is nothing that can be done to help us.


Only one way to find out. I think if you go to counseling with the right mindset it would definitely help


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think that you owe it to her and your children to at least try. I would think that the addition of twins added a significant amount of stress to your lives, and I would venture to guess that the amount of attention you may be getting is significantly lower than it has been in the past. When you have kids, a lot of times you start to just feel like you are going through the motions, and I think that you lose touch with each other. 

If you do counseling and it doesn't work, at least you can say that you tried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week did you spend out partying?

How man hours a week did you spend doing thing with just your wife.. just the two of you?

How much did you do things like helping with housework, helping with your children, etc?

I'm assuming you had a 40 hour a week job. Is this right?

Does she have a job outside the home?


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

Sounds like you are not happy with yourself.

You were in a bad relationship before her.
You had a bad relationship with your brother.
Could not stand living in the city you were in.
Hate living in the country with her.
Do not like how she looks, she does not turn you on, etc.

Maybe the problem is with YOU and not with everyone else?

Have you done any soul searching to see why you are not happy without putting the blame on everyone else?

Satisfaction comes from within and if you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with anyone.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

get happy with yourself, nobody else will ever be able to do that for you, and stay in your marriage because you made vows to each other and are the rightful recipients of your healthy selves, when you each get there.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

If you're on the fence, I think you owe it to your kids to work on your marriage and give it a chance. 

Marriage counseling can definitely help, but not with this attitude:



> I would work on this marriage with counseling but I'm not sure if it will help any.


You have to believe and hope it will work, and _want_ it to work!



> I really don't even want to tell her. I know I would hurt her badly.


PLEASE talk to your wife about your feelings. It would hurt her even worse if you keep this bottled up - all the while detaching from her and convincing yourself that getting out of this marriage is the best thing for you - only to broadside her with this information after you have already made the decision to leave. Trust me, I WISH my husband had talked to me sooner. It would have saved my marriage.

It sounds like you - since moving to this new town - could really use a hobby that does not include partying or drinking. Join a local basketball league that meets on Saturdays, or take a class at the community center. It's a great way to meet new friends. Even better is if you find a hobby that your wife can enjoy with you. :smthumbup:

Having very young children - and twins to boot - can zap the life out of a marriage. Feeling disconnected from your spouse when you have toddlers running around is probably very common. Your wife is exhausted, you feel unappreciated and like she has no time leftover for you, she's resentful that you don't have to chase the babies around all day, you're wondering where the hell did the woman I married go? No wonder you're disconnected!

You two could probably really benefit from a marriage retreat, or even just a weekend away. Try to find a way to reconnect. Read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages."

Good luck, Lester. This situation does not seem impossible, it just needs a makeover. You owe it to your kids to really TRY, if nothing else.


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

Very much agree with imabasketcase.

I also believe you can and do fall in and out of love throughout the years of marriage, especially since you're not getting the attention you used to get. Guess what. Neither is she. 

Sticking it out can be very rewarding. Practice acts of kindness. When you have negative thoughts, replace them with why you fell in love and empathy for her thankless and exhausting job of tending to helpless and needy children all day. Try to be helpful wherever you can. Force yourself until it is natural to you.

Please don't leave her to do that job alone with a broken heart. Everyone involved benefits if you get some counseling geared toward saving your marriage and keeping your family intact. Bailing out is easy. I implore you to man up. What did/would your dad do?


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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

MSC71 said:


> Only one way to find out. I think if you go to counseling with the right mindset it would definitely help


Thanks. I definitely appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help.
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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> I think that you owe it to her and your children to at least try. I would think that the addition of twins added a significant amount of stress to your lives, and I would venture to guess that the amount of attention you may be getting is significantly lower than it has been in the past. When you have kids, a lot of times you start to just feel like you are going through the motions, and I think that you lose touch with each other.
> 
> If you do counseling and it doesn't work, at least you can say that you tried.


I do owe it to my wife and children to try. And the addition I the twins did add stress to each of us and our relationship. But these are feelings that I've had since before the twins. Attention, I can do without. I'm really not someone who's needy for attention. Somewhere along the times we lost touch. I'm not sure exactly where but it definitely happened and its getting worse.
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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week did you spend out partying?
> 
> How man hours a week did you spend doing thing with just your wife.. just the two of you?
> 
> ...


I would drink and be out of the house weekends only but it was pretty much every weekend. 

Hours with my wife, alone? Hardly any. The times we spent together was with our children. That is a discussion we had and something I worked on. I don't go out much anymore and if I do it's to my in laws house and she and the kids come along. That is my group of friends by the way.. My inlaws. That's who I would go out with and drink with. 

I have always helped with the housework and my children. I understand she has been with the children all day long and I try to give her a break when I come home from work but all she seems to see is her side. I come home and that seems to be her punch out time. I mean I understand she's gone through it all day but I've been working. I come home and tend to the kids, clean, cook, go over my oldest daughters homework, put them to bed, it's ten o'clock at night and I still haven't taken off my work clothes. Then she'll give me crap for not folding clothes. All the while she's on her cell phone talking or texting or online or reading or taking a 2 hour bath. I'll be cooking dinner and one of the babies will be crying right next to her and she'll ignore them until I walk over and see what's wrong. Am I being insensitive?
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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

Treading said:


> Sounds like you are not happy with yourself.
> 
> You were in a bad relationship before her.
> You had a bad relationship with your brother.
> ...


I can't even argue with you, your absolutely right. My life has been, well, interesting.. I've tried counseling in the past for my issues. I've tried to understand myself and its complicated. I've lived most of my life thinking everything about me was right and when I saw something different from others I would think that was wrong. It wasn't until my younger brother committed suicide at the age of 26 ( I was 27) that I thought maybe something about our upbringing wasn't right. When I went to counseling with these issues my counselor blamed my stress and depression on my wife and her family. She even had me bring my wife in and basically attack her about everything I was going through because of her and her family. At that time I was so confused and lost I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose my daughter. And felt horrible for putting my wife in that situation so I quit going to counseling. I'm kind of hesitant on giving counseling a try. It was a disaster. Maybe it was right, but it was all wrong in the way it was dealt with.
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## lester2013 (Jan 11, 2013)

ImaBasketcase said:


> If you're on the fence, I think you owe it to your kids to work on your marriage and give it a chance.
> 
> Marriage counseling can definitely help, but not with this attitude:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


I must admit since my brother died I've been a little hesitant on making new friends. I've made a couple at work and through my wife and her family. I've tried sports, which I played many as a child, and injured myself playing both basketball and softball. My joints aren't what they used to be. Also there seems to be absolutely no time to do anything. I'm thinking of joining a community center in the area and bringing along the whole family. They have babysitting available and both my wife and I can probably benefit from a couple of hours of just quiet time.


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