# soft porn to help with LD spouse?



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

First off let me say that I consider myself a porn addict, and even though I do not look at it that often (3-5 times a month), it isn't something I'm proud of. So the thought of this is complicated for me. But if I had the chance of looking at porn, or being with my wife, I choose my wife every time. 
Like a lot of men, I have a LD wife. She tries for my sake to make sex a regularity in our lives, about once every 10 days. But its generally bland and routine. But when she does get in the mood (almost always during sex), things can get hot and heavy, and after 10 years of marriage, I consider it one of the most enjoyable things in my life - period. The problem is, like a lot of women, the actual getting_ into the mood_, which for her is like climbing Mt Everest at times. We have two young kids, and don't get much time alone with each other, which obviously complicates everything.
She understands the importance of sex in the relationship, but she _just can't get in the mood_. 
So as a suggestion, I've brought up before sex perhaps viewing porn (of the softcore variety) to perhaps to give her the "kickstart" she needs. It isn't something she is crazy about but I think she's starting to consider because she does find her low libido as frustrating as I do. 
My reasoning for using porn as jumpstart is an experience we had over 8 years ago. We were on vacation, and she had caught me watching some late-night "Skinemax". She chastised me and told me to shut off the tv - but within 5 minutes she rolls over and initiates sex. Afterwords, when I ask if the brief image she had seen when I was watching had turned her on, she seemed to ashamed to admit it, but I suspected that it had gotten her horny.
To clarify, this isn't something I'm really pushing that hard - I've only brought it up a few times. My motivation really is to jumpstart her libido. 
So my question is this actually a successful tactic? Am I possibly opening up a Pandora's Box here? Does anyone have any experience in this?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Don't know about soft porn, but if she likes to read I'd recommend some novels.

Saucy historical romance novels by Lisa Kleypas are really yum yum 
If she is into something more modern then I strongly suggest Anita Blake The Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Speaking as a woman, you should try written erotica first. There are books out there with short stories. You could let her read them herself or read them together. Even romance novels can turn on some women, but reading a 200 page book may not be as helpful.

You might also try some adult novelty items to help her get in the mood. That could help you both climb Mt Everest faster.

Oh, and once in awhile tell her to go lock herself in the bathroom or bedroom while you get the kids to bed. Sometimes something as simple as a warm shower or bubble bath can help a woman feel ready for action. =)


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

notaname said:


> Speaking as a woman, you should try written erotica first. There are books out there with short stories. You could let her read them herself or read them together. Even romance novels can turn on some women, but reading a 200 page book may not be as helpful.
> 
> You might also try some adult novelty items to help her get in the mood. That could help you both climb Mt Everest faster.
> 
> Oh, and once in awhile tell her to go lock herself in the bathroom or bedroom while you get the kids to bed. Sometimes something as simple as a warm shower or bubble bath can help a woman feel ready for action. =)


:iagree:

For that try asstr.org

I find 200 page saucy historical romance novels a big turn on. Yes, a book is longish, but it really builds up anticipation. There is a reason why publications such as Harlequinn are in business


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I can't see it hurting. If she's willing to watch a bit and see what happens, it's at least worth a try. I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone, but I for one definitely get turned on watching porn.
I think some reassurance from you that you get turned on by seeing her be turned on will also go a long way to making her feel more comfortable with exploring some new ways of heightening her libido. That she WANTS to want to be more sexual and is willing to explore some methods of making that happen is HUGE, imo.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Well, I read once that watching porn is a bad idea. On the other hand, watching an action movie or something else that triggers adrenaline might make women more susceptible to other stimuli. Ofcourse, this includes porn. So try doing something that gets her active and focussed first. Then read a dirty story to her or watch some porn. Might not help, but it does increase the odds.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

.....has she had her hormone levels checked? Or better still...a complete medical check over to see if there may be some other kind of chemical imbalance happening in her body?


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

effess said:


> First off let me say that I consider myself a porn addict, and even though I do not look at it that often (3-5 times a month), it isn't something I'm proud of.


Firstly, you aren't a "porn addict". You aren't even really a "porn consumer". At best you're a mildly interested _potential _consumer. Porn addiction is a BS term. And there's no reason why you shouldn't be proud of it.

Continue . . . 



effess said:


> So the thought of this is complicated for me. But if I had the chance of looking at porn, or being with my wife, I choose my wife every time.
> Like a lot of men, I have a LD wife. She tries for my sake to make sex a regularity in our lives, about once every 10 days. But its generally bland and routine. But when she does get in the mood (almost always during sex), things can get hot and heavy, and after 10 years of marriage, I consider it one of the most enjoyable things in my life - period. The problem is, like a lot of women, the actual getting_ into the mood_, which for her is like climbing Mt Everest at times. We have two young kids, and don't get much time alone with each other, which obviously complicates everything.
> She understands the importance of sex in the relationship, but she _just can't get in the mood_.
> So as a suggestion, I've brought up before sex perhaps viewing porn (of the softcore variety) to perhaps to give her the "kickstart" she needs. It isn't something she is crazy about but I think she's starting to consider because she does find her low libido as frustrating as I do.
> ...



Yes, it's a successful tactic, but only used in context. First, find out what turns her on. I mean, really, really turns her on.

I'm serious: until you know what images, concepts, or acts compel her to get all dewy, erotica of any type is going to be hit-or-miss. Perhaps she harbors secret desires for interracial sex; perhaps she has a fetish for fine china (don't laugh -- I know someone who does). Perhaps she wants to be tied up but would never admit it. It could be anything, but clearly, LD or not, she's having a hard time letting herself go.

So ask her to list her top 5 sexual fantasies without judgement. It doesn't mean that you have to fulfill them, or even be capable of fulfilling them, but by all means know where her buttons are. I'm guessing that it's likely that once she confides that to you, you'll have a lot more success.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Draguna said:


> Well, I read once that watching porn is a bad idea. On the other hand, watching an action movie or something else that triggers adrenaline might make women more susceptible to other stimuli. Ofcourse, this includes porn. So try doing something that gets her active and focussed first. Then read a dirty story to her or watch some porn. Might not help, but it does increase the odds.


Read this, then: Watching porn is a good idea. Repeat it with me, now, "watching porn is a good idea, watching porn is a good idea. . ."

Now what constitutes porn varies from person to person.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Heh, well meant just watching porn. Doesnt often have the desired effect as LD people are closed to those kind of stimuli. Doing something that gets her senses activated and then watch porn tends to work better 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> Firstly, you aren't a "porn addict". You aren't even really a "porn consumer". At best you're a mildly interested _potential _consumer. Porn addiction is a BS term. And there's no reason why you shouldn't be proud of it.


Well very respectfully, despite the fact you do not know me and know the things I've done to look at porn, I would consider myself a addict. Whenever I'm down or depressed, one of my first urges is to look at porn. Whenever the compulsion hits me, I somehow/someway must look at it. 
I do not wish to hijack this thread about this debate though. Thanks.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

effess said:


> Well very respectfully, despite the fact you do not know me and know the things I've done to look at porn, I would consider myself a addict. Whenever I'm down or depressed, one of my first urges is to look at porn. Whenever the compulsion hits me, I somehow/someway must look at it.
> I do not wish to hijack this thread about this debate though. Thanks.


Heck, I don't mind. That's a long, long way from addiction. If a woman goes shopping when she's feeling down about herself, is she addicted? Even if she doesn't buy anything? Looking at porn as a distraction to cheer yourself up a bit isn't like crawling into a bottle to escape your problems. It's more like window shopping.

Cut yourself a break. Don't feel guilty about your "compulsion" -- it's human nature. You might feel bad about it, but you aren't doing anything wrong, and porn use at that level is barely registerable. I guess the bigger question, though, is why you feel bad about your "compulsion"?


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> Heck, I don't mind. That's a long, long way from addiction. If a woman goes shopping when she's feeling down about herself, is she addicted? Even if she doesn't buy anything? Looking at porn as a distraction to cheer yourself up a bit isn't like crawling into a bottle to escape your problems. It's more like window shopping.
> 
> Cut yourself a break. Don't feel guilty about your "compulsion" -- it's human nature. You might feel bad about it, but you aren't doing anything wrong, and porn use at that level is barely registerable. I guess the bigger question, though, is why you feel bad about your "compulsion"?


Again, I think its very difficult to "prescribe/describe" me or anything like that from a few small posts on these threads. I appreciate your attempts. But without understanding the full scope of my deep, hidden, compulsive need for porn and the lengths I've gone to see it - its pointless to argue this.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Ian, you and me have the same opinion on porn it seems. Everybody does stuff to make themselves feel happy. I start gaming, helps taking stuff off my mind. I'd say an addiction is when you need it to function normally. If you don't watch multiple times a day and feel down if you don't, then in my book you don't have an addiction, but just a habit of watching porn. This can be broken. A compulsion though, in which you have to (not happen to) watch a lot can be a serious problem. 

effes, you doing stuff to watch porn could or could not qualify as addiction. Ofcourse, if you happened to spend the last of your food money on a DVD because you couldn't wait, then disregard all I said before. That and I'm no qualified psychiatrist, just someone studying to become a pharmacist. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Draguna said:


> Ian, you and me have the same opinion on porn it seems. Everybody does stuff to make themselves feel happy. I start gaming, helps taking stuff off my mind. I'd say an addiction is when you need it to function normally. If you don't watch multiple times a day and feel down if you don't, then in my book you don't have an addiction, but just a habit of watching porn. This can be broken. A compulsion though, in which you have to (not happen to) watch a lot can be a serious problem.
> 
> effes, you doing stuff to watch it does not seem to qualify as addiction for me. Ofcourse, if you happened to spend the last of your food money on a DVD because you couldn't wait, then disregard all I said before. That and I'm no qualified psychiatrist, just someone studying to become a pharmacist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well at my worst, I was definitely someone who fell into the more extreme of looking at porn and the lengths I went to view it. Through the years, I've scaled it down dramatically, but I always feel like I could just as easily fall back into those extremes (like how an alcoholic won't even taste booze after being 20 yrs sober). I know the effect porn has on me - I know what I've done to look at it - I know how crazy/obsessed (no exaggeration) I can get when I *HAVE* to look at it. 
So again, I appreciate everyone's efforts to "make feel better".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thought I would do a quick search on Google and found this forum about Porn addiction -maybe it could be a help to you.

Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum • Index page


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I can attest that in at least in some cases it works.

I had problems with LD forever. BUT I always really enjoyed sex once it was happening. It seems like my mind has other priorities most of the time: worrying about everything under the sun, wondering what's new to look at on the internet, doing the dishes, etc. Sex sometimes doesn't cross my mind for days. 

After years of living with little sex I now recognize when I'm in a sex-ignoring funk I try making it a priority to put an end to it. Since I know I DO enjoy sex, I figure it shouldn't take much for me to tip the scales in that direction. Sometimes I make time throughout the day, a few minutes here and there, and MAKE myself think about sex. Usually I think about my favorite things to do with my husband.

In my newfound sexual curiousness I have watched a few free porn clips on the web. I found that some made me very horny in an extremely short time span. I don't do it very often, but several times I have watched for just 10 minutes in the hours preceeding contact with my husband and I can tell you it sure helps. Getting my mind in the right place is the key for me and this is one thing that seems to accomplish that very easily.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

VeryShyGirl said:


> I can attest that in at least in some cases it works.
> 
> I had problems with LD forever. BUT I always really enjoyed sex once it was happening. It seems like my mind has other priorities most of the time: worrying about everything under the sun, wondering what's new to look at on the internet, doing the dishes, etc. Sex sometimes doesn't cross my mind for days.
> 
> ...


You sound alot like my wife. Has so many other things on her mind, that she doesn't give it much thought. However, when she does get into sex, it can be very passionate and hot.


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