# Please give me your advice



## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids. 

Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love". 

She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision. 

It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made. 

Her best friend, with whom she confides almost everything and who knows all about this, says she thinks my wife has lost her mind and is having some kind of mid life crisis or is literally having some kind of mental issue. The boyfriend is broke, has kids with his ex he can hardly support, is working part time, isn't anything to look at, etc.. My wifes friend is convinced the relationship is based around sex and will not last because they have nothing else in common other than the relationship of their youth. My wife is an intelligent, educated, professional and this guy is a "dumbass" (my wifes words) who has never held down a job and, in his mid 40s, hasn't got a penny to his name. My wife even confided to her friend that she knew that if anything ever happened to her health wise that I would stand by her but that she knew the boyfriend wouldn't.

I have since found out that this guy has contacted her numerous times over the years and that she had always rebuffed him but this time she decided to start things back up. Pretty much like he has been stalking her and waiting for a chance to get his foot in the door with our marriage. Some of the smoke he is blowing to my wife should be seen through by the typical school girl but she is eating it all up right now, according to her friend. Her friend also says the fact we lead a very comfortable lifestyle which she would be giving up to be with this guy is the one thing my wife always talks about. I don't want my wife to stay with me for what I can provide so that makes me feel bad for other reasons.

My wife is still living in our home and we still have a cordial relationship when she is with me. She is still telling me, and her friend, she loves me and doesn't know what to do. I am miserable and feel like a doormat to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed. She has mentioned moving out and getting her own place, and I have told her that is her decision to make.

My question is "Am I insane" as well as "What should I do going forward"? I think I have been very reasonable up to now and while it really isn't doing me any good from the perspective of their relationship cooling at least I am still in the picture and getting to spend some quality time with my wife whom I am legitimately worried may be having some kind of mental issue or other problem. 

Can somebody please give me some feedback? I have told nobody about this for obvious reasons and I am going crazy trying to figure out the appropriate course. Thank you so much for reading all of this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Dude, you need to wake up. I'm not saying that in a sh-tty way either. I'm saying it as this: YOU are allowing your WIFE to go sleep with another guy!! YOU are allowing her to give him everything that she's supposed to be giving you.

Go look in the mirror and ask yourself the following question: When is enough, enough?!!

Seriously, man. A guy who she knew when she was 17?! And you're letting her go see him?! YOU have the ability to stop this with one simple move. Take all of her clothing and put it in a bag and bring it to the other guy's house. Let her know that you've made the decision for her. 

You're acting like a doormat for this woman who is a pure cake eater. STOP!!!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

By the way...you want some direction? Read this thread and read it three or four times.

Newbie's Post


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

_It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for *her decision *which she still says she hasn't made._

she already made it, its called cake eating, like dig said read the newbie link, learn it, live it....

You can get thru this and you will be ok, its not the end of the world, stand tall....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would pack her [email protected] up and ask her where the guy lives because she's not living with you anymore! Before that cut any joint credit cards joint bank acct., take half out open one in your name do it asap before she takes it all out for her boyfriend.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

universe23, you better brace yourself. You're going to get some harsh replies. Replies that are going to be painful for you to read, because it's going to be hard for you to take a good look at yourself and realize what a pathetic doormat you're being.

You can't simply let your wife see this guy and hope it runs its course and she suddenly realizes she's making a mistake. Right now you're in an open marriage. And you're doing nothing about it. In fact you said you confronted her in a "compassionate, non-threatening way" after you found out about her affair. What???!!! 
Right there, that's a sure way to get your wife to lose respect for you. She sees you as weak, which is unattractive to her.

A real man, a man that women find attractive, would never, ever put up with this. Every day you let this go on your wife is losing respect for you. You don't even respect yourself.

Kick your wife out of the house. Send her to the other man's house or apartment, whatever. Reality needs to hit her hard.

Be a man.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Im not one to be giving advice cause im going thru some bullsh*t with my own wife. 

But the thing is you know that she is sleeping with another man for 3 months now. 

If i knew what you know i would of filed for divorce a long time ago. I would not stand for my wife to sleep with another man and then come home to me and tell me she doesn't know what she wants in life. And your allowing it by telling her to take her time making a decision and by also basically saying that she can still sleep with him till she feels she doesn't want him no more if thats what she decides.

She knows what she wants in life thats why she is still seeing and texting and calling the other man. Everybody knows what they do their is no excuse for anybodys actions.

You need to snap outta it and fast. You got all the proof of what she is doing and you just letting it happen.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Being passive about being cheated does not sound like a good idea. 
It almost seems like you are trying to rationalize your wifes actions and also repress your emotions.
Heck, Id' be getting angry, if I was you. REALLY ANGRY! Don't be a doormat nor a second choice!


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. I can't really argue with anything any of you have said. I would certainly be saying the same thing if it wasn't happening to me. Should I just tell her to leave and not come back until she knows what she wants to do or should I go ahead and permanently end it? My concern is that something may be wrong with her, although after reading the newbie thread it sounds like her behavior is pretty typical of "the fog". I know I'm getting slammed but it's good for me to hear this since this is the first time I've solicited advice from anyone so please keep responding.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:


*I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision. *

This sounds sooo reasonable. How much time will you give her?

Months? Years?

Again, another man who prides himself on being a cuckold.

She will take as much time as you give her and as long as you sit there alone waiting for her return she'll keep screwing this guy.

BTW are you paying for this lifestyle she has?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You have messed up already. You DO NOT give a WS time to make up their mind. She needs to be given 24 hrs to make a choice. You or her POS OM.

Steps to take if she choses you:
1. Force NC. She has to write or call him in front of you to state that it is over. And then you let her know that if there is any form of contact on her part the marriage is over. You will take it as a sign that she is not willing to commit.
2. You are now to have all access to her computer(s) and phone(s). There will be no secrets.
3. She needs IC and/or MC.

Steps to take if she choses him:
1. Draw up divorce papers.
2. Withdraw 50% of all joint money.
3. Ask her to leave the house.

During all of this you need to take care of yourself.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know if I can say anything that would make you feel better. I think that you have to shoulder part of the blame for this situation, in that I think you helped create the environment that makes her feel she can do this with impunity and get away with it. Effectively, she has made you a cuckold. The fact that you are still home and cordial with her means that she has "gotten away with it". Do you have a passive personality where she has always been able to do what she wants without consideration for your feelings?

I would get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately. For me her behavior has put you in a spot where there can be no reconciliation from. Ask her to leave the house and expose the affair to anyone who will listen. I personally don't see any coming back from this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Malaise said:


> You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> *I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision. *
> ...


Stop paying for her boyfriend!:banghead::banghead:


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Memento said:


> Being passive about being cheated does not sound like a good idea.
> It almost seems like you are trying to rationalize your wifes actions and also repress your emotions.
> Heck, Id' be getting angry, if I was you. REALLY ANGRY! Don't be a doormat nor a second choice!


I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

OK Ill ply you with sympathy. I hate seeing antone, male of female in a situation like this and its probabley the worst type of thing to have to go through outside death.

Now lets have some clear sky thinking here. Mid life crises DO NOT EXIST. It is the name given to cover infidelity and unreasonable behaviour. 

Your W has been cheating on you. She has turned a sexual issue you may or may not have into an excuse to bed someone else. As you you seem not too know 100% how long its been going on but you have at least found evidence to give you a time line. 

Ask yourself when she is with the other guy is she thinking about you? About your feeling? About the marridge vows taken..... NOPE

Is there a reason to accept her excuse for sex outside your marridge. NOPE!

Are you doing the right thing by sitting there worrying if she is going to throw the other guy over and come back to you. NOPE.

Please think clearly. will you ever be able to trust her out of your site again?

Will you really want to have sex with her knowing what shes been doing and why

She is at the moment using the "I dont know what to do" statement like a perscription for sex. If she doent knwo what to do why does she not stay in your home, think about the options and then commit to them?
Instead she is with the other guy having a great old time filling her boots and then if that goes TU will come back to you saying she made a mistake, she wants you (not the other guys kicked her over).

If you now pack up her gear, place as much in as few refuse sacks as ossible and then, change the locks on the doors, stop stop her funding and then phone her teling her where her belongings are and the fact that if she doesnt get them soon the charity store near by is collecting clothes and is likely to take them perhaps some reality will set in.
she IS playing you for a fool (I hate saying it ) She is making your life a hell on earth and sadly because of your feelings for the person SHE USED TO BE you are allowing it. It appears that some D papers need to be prepared and placed in her hand at some early point - That in itself may clear her head a little. But unless you take control and quickly ou maky find this otehr guy lying in your bed,eating your food and enjoying your hard earned wages.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

universe23 said:


> I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.


But she's still doing it !


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Malaise said:


> You let her go out and screw another man while you wait alone at home and you sound proud of yourself being reasonable. :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> *I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision. *
> ...


When I said that I honestly thought it would be a few days or maybe a week. That did seem reasonable at the time but now it has progressed to 5 weeks and I am losing my sanity.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

"reasonable" isn't going to save your marraige. quite the opposite actually.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

universe23 said:


> When I said that I honestly thought it would be a few days or maybe a week. That did seem reasonable at the time but now it has progressed to 5 weeks and I am losing my sanity.


Nothing about this is reasonable! 5 minutes is unreasonable!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Clearly, you will find out from the veterans on this board that you are taking an approach that is a disaster waiting to happen.

Yes, you are letting her you treat you like a doormat and you need to do the 180 on her immediately (look for the 180 link). She has zero respect for you. If you want to reconcile with her, you need to take a hard stand and be emotionally prepared to start divorce proceedings. 

She needs to be treated like a cheater deserves to be treated. If there is any chance to save your marriage, you must let her know that you will not tolerate this affair and she must end all contact immediately. If she doesn't, you will insist she leave the house and you tell her that you will file for divorce. If she agrees, then you will set the conditions for reconciliation which will include a no contact letter to him, password access, and total transparency going forward. If she doesn't comply with that, insist she leave the house and file for divorce. 

Listen to the advice you will receive here. I wish I had found this forum sooner when I was in your situation a year ago.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

universe23 said:


> I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.


The problem is you are not doing anything about it!
You can say whatever you want, but if you don't do anything about it, your words are meaningless. Words are cheap, actions are not!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She made the decision for you. I'm really sorry, I've been there with my ex h. You are not to blame for her cheating whatsoever. She made this choice and still is living it. 

My advice is pack up her stuff and boot her out. File divorce papers. She's not going to quit seeing this guy. There are faithful women out there who will fully respect you.

When I found out my ex h was cheating I packed up my baby, clothes and moved out myself. There was nothing I wanted or needed to stay where I was at that time. I did not own a house yet. Luckily so because we were house hunting at that time.

My ex h cheats on his current wife 19 years later. This same woman moved in 3 days after I left. She allows him to cheat by sweeping his affairs under the rug. I can guarantee you that he's been with more then 3 women, he's been caught with 3.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” 

― Jack Canfield 

It's your fear that paralyzes you, what are you afriad of? loosing your wife?, you already have...

everyone is coming at you fast and hard and telling you things that you will think are just the opposite of what you should be doing, but understand this "you can not nice someone out of an affair" you just cant! (been there done that, it will not work)

It's all about boundaries my friend, what are yours?

PS...remember this, you will be ok no matter the outcome, it may seem like the end of the world, but really it's not...you will be ok!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> "Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”
> 
> ― Jack Canfield
> 
> ...


You are at the point where there is nothing to lose and everything to gain my friend!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You think SHE has mental issues? 
You're kidding right?

Who is ALLOWING a spouse to have a free-for-all sex weekend with an old flame? FOR MONTHS!

Who is DELUDING themselves about their spouse's intentions?

Who is strutting arond in front of YOUR WIFE hoping she chooses you over a LOSER? ( very, very, competitive - but you probably have the inside edge)

Geez dude splash some cold water on your face - then some cold water on that woman who looks like your old wife


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

universe23 said:


> My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. *Your wife has been losing sexual attraction to you. Read Athol's Kay's blog and his book "Married Man's Sex Life."* Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids. *Good that there are no kids involved. *
> 
> Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. *Big mistake. At this point, once you know everything, is when you get tough with her. It should have been, "it's me or him. If it's him, then leave right now."* I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love". *She's not "in love", she's high on dopamine, a feel-good chemical that gets released when she's with this new guy. It's exciting for her. Do more research on dopamine so you fully understand what's going on with your wife.*
> 
> ...


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

My wife hooked up with an old BF from FB also. They had a realationship for 15 months. I HAVE BEEN in your shoes. I know that pain and hurt you feel. You have got to wake up though, snap out of this rut your in and stand up for yourself. She isn't going to decide anything unless YOU
force the issue. On May 27th of this year, that's what I did, It was Dday #2 for me and I put an end to their relationship. I told family, told her if she wanted to continue then go live with him, but she would have
to take her 2 pi$$ing dogs with her, and leave the kids with me. BUT I WOULD NOT tolerate her seeing him one more time. It was a VERY rough few weeks after that, but she stopped seeing him.


Your wife is committing adultery over and over while you sit back and wait? wait for what? her to come around...
she's not coming around, she is addicted to a drug and it's called an affair. She is getting a high from this. And while she's in it YOU cannot compete with it. 

You very well may need to tell her to leave, something I generally don't say. She has to stop seeing this man. Then you need to decide what YOU want to do next. IT's ALL about you right now. I know things seem out of control but really, honestly, you can take control right now by telling her it's over or leave. If you are not in a position to kick her out, then start the 180 (Google it) and work on you, and talk to a lawyer about your options.

YOu should NOT tolerate her actions right now, it's wrong!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Thanks for the responses. I can't really argue with anything any of you have said. I would certainly be saying the same thing if it wasn't happening to me. Should I just tell her to leave and not come back until she knows what she wants to do or should I go ahead and permanently end it? My concern is that something may be wrong with her, although after reading the newbie thread it sounds like her behavior is pretty typical of "the fog". I know I'm getting slammed but it's good for me to hear this since this is the first time I've solicited advice from anyone so please keep responding.


That's good, you're reading up about this stuff. Read more, and then decide what to do. Remember that if you file for divorce, you'll have lots of time to withdraw.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Man, you guys have tore me a new one and I can't argue with a word. I really appreciate everyone spending their time trying to help me see the error of my ways. It's amazing what the perspective of others can do for a guy. Please keep it coming if anyone else has anything to add.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Man, you guys have tore me a new one and I can't argue with a word. I really appreciate everyone spending their time trying to help me see the error of my ways. It's amazing what the perspective of others can do for a guy. Please keep it coming if anyone else has anything to add.


Confront her today tell her she has to decide today it's me or him. If she flipflops pack her stuff and take her to om today! Pretty simple.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

universe23 said:


> When I said that I honestly thought it would be a few days or maybe a week. That did seem reasonable at the time but now it has progressed to 5 weeks and I am losing my sanity.


Now she is just taking advantage of you. I can see you giving her some time to think about what she wants to do, since you dont want to make a life altering decision quickly BUT at this point she has you right where she wants you.

Tell her you have given her enough time and you are done!! If she wanted to be with you she would have left the loser a long time ago and been begging for your forgiveness!!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Man, you guys have tore me a new one and I can't argue with a word. I really appreciate everyone spending their time trying to help me see the error of my ways. It's amazing what the perspective of others can do for a guy. Please keep it coming if anyone else has anything to add.


Yes, you deserve to be happy!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

> I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago.


Fun Fact: This is not the best method. You’d been better off exploding like a mad man. Acting level headed gives her the impression that it’s not that big a deal and she’ll have an easier time manipulating you.


> She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do.


This means she isn’t going to give up the OM (not remorseful)


> I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.


This is enabling behavior. She will leave you in limbo until you take a stand. This gives her no motivation to do anything.



> It has now been 5 weeks and she is talking, texting this guy every day and spending most weekends with him. I am left sitting at home waiting for her decision which she still says she hasn't made.


Of course nothing has changed, you basically told her you will live with her A.



> I am miserable and feel like a doormat to some degree but I also feel a responsibility for her well being and if this guy is out to hurt or take advantage of her I want to be in the picture as much as possible in case I am needed.


You ARE a doormat. She is taking advantage of you because you let her. You are enabling the affair.

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about yourself. You are giving her all the power so she is going to keep both the M and A since she can get away with it. 

LISTEN to what everyone here is saying! The ONLY way to save your marriage is to try to END IT. Your super beta behavior is causing her to lose respect for you because you refuse to stand up for yourself. The OM is irrelevant, you are not competing with him, he is just a distraction for her. The problem is with your W.

You need the “tough love” approach. Kick her out and tell her you are filing for a divorce and she can keep her boyfriend, let him take care if her. This will motivate her to actually fight for the M since she will then see what she will lose. Don’t be too eager to take her back if she starts crying or begging because once she sees you will so readily she’ll just go right back to the A. Let her worry for a while and make her earn her way back.

The biggest regret I see BS’s make after everything is over is that they wished they took a hard line with their WS at the beginning. Many wished they filed for a D the day they found the A because things would have gotten resolved much sooner (whether a D or R). The nicer you are to the WS, the worse you make things.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Man, you guys have tore me a new one and I can't argue with a word. I really appreciate everyone spending their time trying to help me see the error of my ways. It's amazing what the perspective of others can do for a guy. Please keep it coming if anyone else has anything to add.


universe23, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to have the person you love cheat on you. 

However, the good news is that you're listening to the collective braintrust here. The folks here know what they're talking about, and you're going to learn a lot, whether it's with a reconciled wife or with a 'new life' going forward. Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Listen to the advice here, they've been there, done that. They know what works, what doesn't.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Uni23,

I am not able to understand that a woman in your life for 23 years choose to cheat and you are not able deal with it.

Get angry, man.

Walk away. What are you waiting for? You have no kids.

Is this the only affair she has or had?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Also, even though we're telling you to get angry, don't yell and scream at your wife. That's also unattractive to her. 

When dealing with her you want to remain calm, but in a firm and confident and in a "I don't tolerate crap from anyone" way.

Think of Clint Eastwood or John Wayne in those old western films. Or Sean Connery and Daniel Craig as James Bond. Be like those guys.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Cubby said:


> Also, even though we're telling you to get angry, don't yell and scream at your wife. That's also unattractive to her.
> 
> When dealing with her you want to remain calm, but in a firm and confident and in a "I don't tolerate crap from anyone" way.
> 
> Think of Clint Eastwood or John Wayne in those old western films. Or Sean Connery and Daniel Craig as James Bond. Be like those guys.


The ironic thing is that I am like those guys in every other area of my life. I am usually the cool, calm, confident guy who is one step ahead of whoever he is dealing with. I only turn to jelly with my wife, which has been a great release for me all of these years but is now impeding me doing what I need to do. In other words, I am nobodies doormat but my wife and that is going to have to stop.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

universe23 said:


> The ironic thing is that I am like those guys in every other area of my life. I am usually the cool, calm, confident guy who is one step ahead of whoever he is dealing with. I only turn to jelly with my wife, which has been a great release for me all of these years but is now impeding me doing what I need to do. In other words, I am nobodies doormat but my wife and that is going to have to stop.


Good! Make it stop today.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Good! Make it stop today.


Well, due to conflicting work schedules I won't really see her again until Friday. I think I will have "the talk" with her then. I'm not going to lie, I am dreading it. I figure she will pack up her crap and leave which will leave me alone in our empty house for the holidays which will totally suck. But I guess things are going to have to get worse before they get better so I might as well get on with it. Who knows? Maybe she will surprise me and actually agree to dump the guy.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why don't YOU pack her crap. 
Here's Fridays talk:

"wife-o'mine, your crap is in those bags. Take them and don't come back unless and until you can fully explain youself AND until and unless you are prepared to take ownership of healing this marriage. I accept no blame in your adultery except for allowing you to continue to live in this house.

"THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!"

Offer to call a cab. Collect her house key. Adios muchacha!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Well, due to conflicting work schedules I won't really see her again until Friday. I think I will have "the talk" with her then. I'm not going to lie, I am dreading it. I figure she will pack up her crap and leave which will leave me alone in our empty house for the holidays which will totally suck. But I guess things are going to have to get worse before they get better so I might as well get on with it. Who knows? Maybe she will surprise me and actually agree to dump the guy.


That's why you need to read up on "the 180." It's a plan to help you get into the right mindset to move on. 

Whether your wife leaves or stays, you have to realize your marriage as you've known it is over. If you agree to reconcile (remember that's your decision not your wife's) then you have to start from the ground up.

And when you think of the empty, lonely house, remember that there are plenty of plenty of quality, loyal women out there that would appreciate a good man.

I don't know if you exercise, but start lifting weights, buy cool clothes, make it appear to your wife that you're looking forward to moving on. Women like men who have options.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your plan so far has been terrible. The one good thing you have going for you is that it's all out in the open. Your wife isn't hiding it anymore and your wife's friend is telling you everything and appears to be on your side.

Your story is not unique. Your wife is not unique. You are not unique. What I am going to post below is almost word for word what I posted in another thread less than a week three days ago. (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59381-help-needed-very-much-despair.html)

Your situation is very common. There always are a few variables, but nothing significantly different. Cheaters follow a very predictable script. Betrayed spouses also follow the script. The plot outline could take one of a few courses, like bad TV movies. You and your wife both are following the script to a T.

Your wife is "fence-sitting" and "eating cake." She is "in love" with the other man. This will run its course on its own. In about a year, or two, maybe at longest three. That's how long it takes to get over the "in love" feeling, which eventually turns into the kind of love you and your wife have for each other, the more mature settled kind of love, not the exciting, not-knowing-what's-going-to-happen-next, butterfly-in-the-stomach love. After the "in love" feeling wears off, your wife may stay with the other man out of habit for a year or a few more. Then she will contact you via Facebook, remembering only the good times, and want to reunite with you. If she doesn't meet anyone else in between. So, if you follow your current course, you might have your wife back in 7-10 years or so.

Your wife wants the safety of you at home and the excitement of her new lover. She's not going to give up either unless you force her to (or unless the other man gets hit by a bus, struck by lightning, finds someone else, or otherwise dumps her).

You can wait until hell freezes over and it still won't be enough time for your wife to decide to stay with you. The only way you are going to save your marriage is to end the affair. That is the first step and no guarantee that you can save your marriage.

Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, or deal with any of life's unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you's, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won't.

Right now, she likes the fact that she can still have her other man knowing you will be there as a backup in case it falls through. She is sitting on the fence eating cake.

There is a reason she hasn't left you for him - what is it? He is not ready to take her in? She can't support herself? She would take a major hit to the lifestyle you provide? Other man hasn't asked her to leave you for him yet?

If she is in love with him and they are soulmates destined to be together since high school, why hasn't she left you for him yet?

First, force the issue with your wife. Tell her you're done waiting for her to "choose you." *How humiliating!* You're her husband; she took vows with you; if she doesn't want you, pack up her stuff, load up the car, and offer to drop her off at the other man's house. *Tell her you love her and want to improve yourself and want to improve your marriage*, but there's no way you're going to be anyone's backup plan. Either she commits to you and the marriage or she can get the heck out and go live with the other man.* Tell her she already has had five weeks to decide and now you are giving her five more minutes - FIVE MINUTES - to decide*. If she can't decide, or doesn't commit to the marriage, wish her all the happiness in the world. Then call the other man and tell him you've got his soulmate all packed up and ready to go, you'll be over in a few to drop her off with all her baggage.

If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to give up all contact with the other man now and forever, handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, and give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts. If she can't agree to this, proceed as stated above and file for divorce.

Divorce is a long process. You can always stop it if your wife comes to her senses. If not, you save yourself months and months of pain and unhappiness, which ends in a bad result anyway.

If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Provide housing, clothing, food - but you don't have to pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.

Also, if she doesn't choose to re-commit to the marriage right away, expose the affair to the other man's family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife's family and friends. Let them know the other man's name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You cannot "nice" your wife out of her affair. Your plan is terrible and the only way it will work is if the other man loses interest or gets run over by a train.

*Allowing your wife to cheat on you while she stays in the house married to you is not normal*. Either she divorces you and moves out or she gives up the affair.

Also, the longer you allow this to go on, the more respect your wife is losing for you. She sees a weak-willed man who is not willing to stand up for himself. When she sees the other man, although financially poor, she sees a strong man who goes after what he wants and doesn't stop until he gets it. *No doubt the other man is belittling you to your wife every chance he gets. And she is listening to it and not disputing it, nodding her head, saying, "yes, I know, but I feel sorry for him, he has no one else."* If the situation were reversed, do you think she would tolerate it the way you are? Why are you willing to put up with her cheating on you right under your nose?

Some posters come here and say they're putting up with it for the sake of the kids and, although that behavior doesn't work, kids or not, at least I can understand it. With you having no kids to worry about and a wife who is openly having sex with another man and rubbing it in your face, I can't understand why you would tolerate it. 

You do realize that what your wife is doing to you is the ultimate in disrespect, right? She is rubbing it in your face. How could she say that she loves you, even as a friend, and do this to you? How mean and humiliating is it for her to go out, day in and day out, and have sex with the other man while you sit at home alone? Do you even really want to take her back after this anyway?

Stand up for yourself now.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Well, due to conflicting work schedules I won't really see her again until Friday. I think I will have "the talk" with her then. I'm not going to lie, I am dreading it. I figure she will pack up her crap and leave which will leave me alone in our empty house for the holidays which will totally suck. But I guess things are going to have to get worse before they get better so I might as well get on with it. Who knows? Maybe she will surprise me and actually agree to dump the guy.


You seem to be every cheats perfect H...not good for you. With that said and having been in your wife's shoes as a FWS, I'm only going to suggest what I wish my H would have done in our situation...separate onthefence210 from his wife. Meaning...understanding that I was living two separate lives and that I am responsible for that decision. That he has zero control over my actions and that he did not make me choose any of this. I did it all by myself. Then the next thing I wished he would of done is knocked me into my own reality by giving me the choice...stay in the M (that's where the rules of R come into discussion, laid out as if I were some 5 yr old and given the consequences) or pack my **** and get out (at that point he should start 180 and divorce proceedings). And stick to whatever it is that he is offering and holding me responsible for my choice. 

The reason I say separate the person from the wife is because it's sooo hard to hold someone you love accountable for their bad choices when it's going to impact your life even more so negatively then if you look at the person and know there is no way in hell that you'd let some other person rob you of your security, stability, esteem, worth. It's a difficult thing to do but helps to put your own feelings into perspective. You get to own the choices you make from here on out, whether you give her a second chance as it seems you are hoping for or if you provide the boxes for her to pack her ****, provide the classified ads for apartments, and even the name of your lawyer all while you sit back with a glass of wine and watch her like you would a movie. 

WW's need harsh reality in most cases. And when they get it...they can only blame themselves for their decisions. And as I said before...your wife cheated but you can only blame yourself for how you handle things from here on out. Stop focussing on her and take care of yourself. And if she needs time to think, let her but not in your house. She can do that where reality is present at all times. But I'd highly suggest if she needs that time...then start the D process. Don't let her play this out with her AP until its no longer fun, because she will, and then pick you. I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

universe23 said:


> She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out since I wanted her to make the right decision.


*This is where the whole thing derailed. It should have read like this...*
"She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do.* I told her not knowing what to do was not an option and that I could no longer be her husband and will be leaving this evening*."​If you would have made that one change to your response, you would be playing a whole different game now.

*It's not to late to become a wall of strength that will make her head spin. Woman respect men who are confident, firm, fair and decisive.*

T


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

onthefence210 said:


> You seem to be every cheats perfect H...not good for you. With that said and having been in your wife's shoes as a FWS, I'm only going to suggest what I wish my H would have done in our situation...separate onthefence210 from his wife. Meaning...understanding that I was living two separate lives and that I am responsible for that decision. That he has zero control over my actions and that he did not make me choose any of this. I did it all by myself. Then the next thing I wished he would of done is knocked me into my own reality by giving me the choice...stay in the M (that's where the rules of R come into discussion, laid out as if I were some 5 yr old and given the consequences) or pack my **** and get out (at that point he should start 180 and divorce proceedings). And stick to whatever it is that he is offering and holding me responsible for my choice.
> 
> The reason I say separate the person from the wife is because it's sooo hard to hold someone you love accountable for their bad choices when it's going to impact your life even more so negatively then if you look at the person and know there is no way in hell that you'd let some other person rob you of your security, stability, esteem, worth. It's a difficult thing to do but helps to put your own feelings into perspective. You get to own the choices you make from here on out, whether you give her a second chance as it seems you are hoping for or if you provide the boxes for her to pack her ****, provide the classified ads for apartments, and even the name of your lawyer all while you sit back with a glass of wine and watch her like you would a movie.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice. It's good to hear it from a womans perspective.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

I wouldn't wait until Friday. I would call her on the phone and tell her that you have filed for D and she has to leave. She made her decision weeks ago.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sorry you are here. I agree with everything being said above. 

Alternative solution if you find yourself too weak to implement what has been suggested. Tell her you will be home late this evening, because you have a date. 

Since she seems to be OK with an open relationship, you decided to have some fun on the side as well to explore new possible partners as well. So, you need a few dates to find out, if you should go for the blonde with the hot body or the brunette who prefers romantic dinners.

Make it real for her. I don't know if it will work for you, but it did for me at a time post-affair where my wife had a hard time of letting her flirting attitude go. She couldn't stand the thought of me being with someone else and snapped out of the fog emmediatly.

Maybe, it's not for you, then go in man up mode and, find and hold on to your nuts, man.

Take care of your self.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

universe23 said:


> and leave which will leave me alone in our empty house .


From were I'm sitting it appears your have been alone in an empty house of sort for a few months!!!!!!

So whats it matter now?

Man up brother, we all get thru this, with or with out our wayward spouses. This line in the sand that you draw will suck, but in time you will find it quite relieving, and liberating.

Prepare for the worse, you wife already knows this is coming and already feels she is not worthy of you so in her mind she thinks you are better off with out her.

Expect her to bail, but also hope that she has no were to go and the OM also bails on her now that OM has to deal with her ful time....... so sure, she will back up and leave, but also she *might* come back days later. At that point it will only be a matter of you wanting her back.

Granted this is all speculation on my part, but it does happen. I read about it all the time. I also read about this line in the sand is also the time when the betrayed is no longer in limbo and can finally move on with out this ball and chain.

One way or another it has to happen (the line in the sand), what you have been doing for month is not working so its time to change.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

this thread is so frustrating


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to run the 180 on her and make an appointment with a lawyer today.
The Healing Heart: The 180

There is a chance that the 180, coupled with her being served for divorce will wake her up to the fact that she is about to lose her security blanket. However, even if you could get her to recommit to you, why would you even want her? This wasn't a heat of the moment mistake fueled by too much alcohol. This has been a deliberate campaign by her to put you through hell. Her actions aren't those of a woman who is ambivalent towards you. Her actions toward you are those of a woman who despises you with the heat of a thousand suns. She has intentionally set out to destroy you. And you want her back? No, you don't. You only think you do.

Man up. Get a shark lawyer. Separate yourself from her as cleanly as possible. Then, start playing the field. Post Facebook pictures of your escapades with attractive women. You can turn this around and have a good life.

Good luck.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Well, due to conflicting work schedules I won't really see her again until Friday. I think I will have "the talk" with her then. I'm not going to lie, I am dreading it. I figure she will pack up her crap and leave which will leave me alone in our empty house for the holidays which will totally suck. But I guess things are going to have to get worse before they get better so I might as well get on with it. Who knows? Maybe she will surprise me and actually agree to dump the guy.


Im not the one to answer all your question. I live in my own hell daily but I have spent 2 Thanksgiving and 2 Christmases...just me and the kids (because I have no other family here) alone while my WH was living with the OW.

He is home now and has been for 3 years but I know how it feels. Even knowing how it feels I often wonder why I let him come back home. I do love him....but he doesnt love me as much and its starting to take its toll on me!

You will survive the loneliness.* I think its far worse being in the same house looking across the room and seeing your WH/WW and still feeling alone, then it is actually being alone!*


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> this thread is so frustrating


Sometimes it takes awhile, for some of us to drink the water after we've been led there...hopefully he will.

There is a lot on his mind right now and it will take some time to digest it all, to decide what it is HE actually wants.....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Universe, I am so sorry you're here. Being cheated on sucks.

I took a hard stance with my husband and kicked his ass to the curb the day I found out he was cheating. There's a link to my story in my signature if you care for the long version. That was 2 1/2 years ago, and today we are reconciling and I am pretty much as happy today as I was when I first married him. You don't have to decide today whether you want to stay with her or not.

I was glad to read you have become angry. What you need to do now is put that anger to use. Draw your line in the sand and do NOT back down, no matter what your wife says or does.

Prepare what you're going to say and do. Write it down and don't deviate from it.

Don't dread her leaving. That's the doormat talking. Hope that she DOES leave - in fact, have her bags packed for her!!!!

Between now and then go get tested for STD's. Hard reality, but she could have given you anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look you told her you would accept her dating the OM for a long as she likes.

So she's now spending her weekends in bed with him, and since he is broke she is spnending your family money to date him.

Ask yourself, why would she ever end this? She's hit everything she wants and no motivation to end it,

Ak yourself this as well, why would he be attracted to you after you've let her cuckold you openly like this? Any possible respect she had for you died the moment you gave her permission to continue cheating. She saw you as a nan who will accept his wife openly cheating on him.

Everyone she went to the OM after that , killed any chance for your marriage as any respect for you vanished.

And as for you, hw can you possibly want back a woman that not only cheated, but once exposed was able to put a smile on her face and leave happily and proudly for a weekend with her lover? And then return without guilt shame or remorse.

Do not wait until you see her on Thursday to "discuss it". Instead act now to fully recognize the end of your relationship with her.

1. Separate ll money and cancel joint CC
2. Gather all the financial info you can about what she has spent on her affair, get credit card statements, ATM withdrawals. When you file for D, you will be taking all that out her part of the D.
3. See a lawyer and begin the D process
4. Pack her bags and drop them at the OM front door. Then text her that her stuff is at the home she has chosen and you are done.

5. Tell her this:" I gave you a chance to do the right thing. Instead you chose to openly continue to cuckold and humiliate me. I can't I marine in my wildest dreams how you have come to hate me so much, but I will not be part of this any longer. You chose to end this marriage and I am now following through with your decision. I have filed for D and I will only talk to you through my lawyer.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

universe23 said:


> My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids.
> 
> Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love".
> 
> ...


Step One: Reach down between your legs. There should be two oval objects there. No? Okay, do this...go to your wife's purse and take them back. They're in there somewhere.

Step Two: Okay, now that you have your balls back, kick her azz out on the curb immediately. Have her served with divorce papers imediately.

Why the phuck are you willingly sitting there as "back burner" guy? Letting this affair run its course until she figures out the guy is a loser? WHAT THE PHUCK ARE YOU DOING???? Hoping she'll see you as LESS of a loser than he is and come running back to you? Because THAT's what you're portraying yourself to be. And every minute that goes by that you don't check her azz and put her to the curb, you become an even bigger loser worthy of less respect every day in her eyes.

Get this through your head...she does not appreciate you being understanding, kind, thoughtful, or allowing her to "think it through and come to a good decision".

You should not "expect a decision immediately" because YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY MADE IT FOR HER!!! The BEST thing you could have done when you found out was to have the locks changed while she was out, and have an envelope with divorce papers sitting on the doorstep for her. No woman respects or is attracted to a man that will let her walk all over him. Allowing your wife to "find herself" and contnue to screw another guy with your blessing while she "makes a choice" is the apex of doormat behavior. 

It does not attract her to you, and what's more, believe this or not, is SHE WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU for not standing your ground and protecting what's yours (her and your marriage).

As this guy is a loser, it may not be too late. Cut her loose. Let her figure out this fantasy is all bullchit. Then, after you clear your head and take your time to actually figure out you are better than to put up with this, and figure out if you even want her back, watch her come crawling back on hands and knees.

Then tell her to get lost. Immediately. And stop talking to her AT ALL. Dude, you've got ONE CHANCE to get some shred of respect back, and that is to cut her out of your life and make it as difficult as possible for her to even contact you, let alone work her way back into it.

From the sound of things, the diminishing sex life WAS your fault. She's lost attraction for the doormat you've become. She doesn't want sex with a doormat. She wants sex with a man. Start acting like one.

Appologies for being harsh, but you need harsh right now to snap you out of this.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> "Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”
> 
> ― Jack Canfield


I LIKE that quote! Especially as it pertains to how "nice guy" men should conduct themselves in relationships. Every "nice guy" out there who somehow manages to land a nice woman will almost always, inevetitably, lose her because he *fears* losing her. And any man who "fears" losing a woman when she's not treating him right and doesn't stand up for himself will lose the respect and attraction of the person he's trying to keep.

Stand up for yourself. Women, even if they don't like your stand, will at least respect you. And with respect, comes attraction. With respect comes a foundation for a solid relationship, not one built upon lies (your lies by not acting in a way that is true to you).

Look....if you had two women who were equally, physically attractive, and one of them was a whiny doormat who allowed you to treat her badly, insecure, and felt unsure about her own self worth, and then the other was a strong confident woman who was reasonable but would not put up with your crap, who you had to make an honest effort to keep, well, which one would you want?

I want the woman who will run from me the day I start treating her like chit. Because THAT woman is worth having. THAT woman is a catch. That woman is deserving of respect because she'll stand up for herself (she has high value in herself). And all of that makes for an incredibly fun, exciting, rewarding relationship. The other "doormat chick"? She's gonna be a pain in your azz, insecure, jealous, scared, weak, etc. Not what I'm looking for. And you can bet your wife is not looking for that in a man either.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Thanks for your advice. It's good to hear it from a womans perspective.


My perspective is that of most on here and I'm the one who cheated. Women want a man that can take care of himself. My H did some of what you are doing with the exception of letting me continue on with the A. Other then my confession he did nothing except rug sweep for me so that he could put it in the past. SMH...please don't be too hard on yourself or let the people on here be too hard on you for not having your balls tightly secured to your manhood. That's BS as to me the ones who say crap like that are the ones who need there own reality check. They are the ones whom will regurgitate other people's opinions as there own because they are ignorant and need their balls to prove that they call the shots. This isn't about some trivial fight this is the rest of your life. And sometimes grabbing your crotch and flexing your muscles aren't the answer. You can demand respect without coming across as some prick. You are only a doormat when you knowingly allow the behavior but at that point you can only look at yourself and ask why you would allow such behavior. We aren't perfect. We make decisions and sometimes they are based on selfish reasons. Now is the time for you to do exactly that. You deserve a wife that respects you no matter where your balls hang. Demand it. Or get out. And get into IC. 

I have zero advice about reconciliation. I have yet to deal with how to make my M work. But don't make excuses for your wife's behavior. Mine did. And thankfully after spending time reading and IC I've been able to do that for myself. But it hasn't made me respect my H anymore then I did before. It just reaffirmed his coping methods that we've been living with. Mine, obviously weren't so good either. Be prepared that if she decides to leave you...you focus on you and you only. Don't worry about her. Or at least don't let her know you are. No games, just you making yourself the only priority because you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

DUDE, you are allowing your wife to walk all over you. do you not see that?

Imagine what your wife thinks of you right now?

180 YESTERDAY. She is done from your life, until she either reengages the marriage, or you divorce her. What you are doing is only making it worse. Hell you might as well book em a hotel room, and make dinner reservations for you. 

MAN THE F UP! Again, your wife is losing respect for you the more you sit back, and do nothing. Change your game!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> SMH...please don't be too hard on yourself or let the people on here be too hard on you for not having your balls tightly secured to your manhood. That's BS as to me the ones who say crap like that are the ones who need there own reality check. They are the ones whom will regurgitate other people's opinions as there own because they are ignorant and need their balls to prove that they call the shots. This isn't about some trivial fight this is the rest of your life. And sometimes grabbing your crotch and flexing your muscles aren't the answer. You can demand respect without coming across as some prick. You are only a doormat when you knowingly allow the behavior but at that point you can only look at yourself and ask why you would allow such behavior.


I don't think anyone is being hard on him just for the sake of doing so. When people are stuck in a rut, as he clearly is, sometimes a serious internet b!tch slap is the only thing to snap them out of it.

And, in this instance, it IS about him "calling the shots". Because he hasn't yet, and she continues to walk all over him. It is TIME for him to call the shots. There is nothing for her to debate here. It's not like this should be some dilema or questionable call. She's having an affair, she can stop, or she can continue it without him. 

And yes, you can get respect without being a prick. That should be every man's goal. Being able to set expectations, boundaries, and resolve conflicts WITHOUT being "a prick" is what it is all about. If you can accomplish those things without yelling, hitting (anything..walls or her), screaming, crying, throwing things, and then back up your words with ACTION, you will have her respect, and not once will you have been a prick.

I know it's often hard when the heart and fear gets in the way. Take it from me, my worst fears when I went through similar things were nowhere near what I made them out to be in my head. The world did not come crashing down because I stood up for myself. Because I did what I said I was going to do. In fact my world only progressively has gotten BETTER when I've done so. It's amazing what a little respect from your S/O can do for a relationship (goes both ways). 

Standing up for yourself is NOT being a prick.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Universe,
> You can read the stories of most of the posters here, (your first one Somedaydig, he has been through hell and back)
> They know this from every angle, what works and does not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, brother...still in Hell a bit, but I will absolutely call it like I see it. My wife had a FIVE year affair. It's gonna take a long, long time to work through it and we've come a long way in 8 months.

Uni...dude...you've been given the gamut of advice here. In the end, someone's gonna ask you a pretty tough question and again you're gonna have to look in the mirror and answer it honestly for YOU. Not her.

WHAT...do YOU want?

Remember, she's sleeping with another guy right now. Today. That loving stuff she's supposed to be slathering you with - well, that's being spread like butter in another house with another guy.

WHAT...do YOU want?

One of the things in marriage is pretty clear, given the marriage vows we took: When you marry, each mate has a loving claim to the other's body. It doesn't mean they f'ng share that!

What. Do you want?


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Your wife does not exist any more , she is lost to you .

She is madly in love with the Om ,is it only sex ... I don't think so . 
I can understand that affair sex is exiting, mind blowing... and maybe Om is truly good at what he does , but for that reason ,to continue the affair so openly , not to care about hurting her spouse ,its beyond selfish and cruel , its sadistic and is quite revealing , she does not love you , she doesn't even care for you , she only cares about her self ,him and her lifestyle , no one else.
She has detach from you she may even resend you or hate you for something that you did or not did , how knows.

There are two kinds of fog .WS-Fog and BS-Fog , and you my friend are deep in a BS-fog.

Time to step out of your fog. 
Protect your self . 
Start your healing ,its up to you , don't wait for her . 
And if at some point she follows then you can decide if that is fortunate for you or not , if you want to R or not, 
and if she does not follow then you will be able to start your new life a little earlier.

Don't talk with her , she will not hear you ,she does not want to hear you . 

This is not a situation that can be fixed by talking.

For her , you talking to her , will sound like begging ,pleading you will perceived as needy .
She will resent you because you want to make her unhappy again , take away her new found love and fun. 

At this time you must assume that your marriage is beyond repair , that she is lost to you.

If I where you I would ask her one last time if and what has she decided , and if the answer is not to end the affair and reconcile , I would not say anything else , nothing else about the situation or my intentions 

I would begin the 180 ,not to win her over but to protect myself emotionally , to distance my self from her

I would find a layer and fill for divorce and serve her( if decide to R then I could stop the process any time I wanted )

I would protect my self financially 

Protect my self with a voice activated recorder every time that I would be with her , she may choose to become nasty ( the wife that you remember is no more , it has happened many times , a Bs to be escorted by the police from his house )

I would put a var ( voice activated recorders) in my home and her car 

A gps in her car

Keyloggers on her computer and phone

Hire a Pi

If I where you I would do all this things......... wait I was you and in the end I did all this things . It helped me to heal quickly and not loose time to rebuild my life

Why to spy on her ? You know allready that she has an affair.So why?

Simple

Its possible ,when you begin the 180 or serve her with divorce papers , she may try to salvage your marriage but she may have no intention to terminate the affair , she may try to lie .... no she she will lie , she is a cheater by definition she will lie and try to manipulate you

You will need more info , to be able to asses the situation correctly ( in the event that she choose to R , you need to now if she is serious or if she plays you , and in the event that she wants divorce what she plans)

Don't trust her friend to much , you don't know her agenda ( remember you trusted your wife ) it's time to be a little paranoid.

This is not the time for words , its time for actions

Actions that will protect you and if this action shock her out of fog then you can decide if you want to R , but don't be to quick to embrace R you need to know her true motives


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Or to sum it up a different way.

You tried to deal with her affair by treating her beyond fair, beyond reasonable. You did the "civilized" thing and let her continue her cheating and you got what you got.

And it's been a total and unqualified disaster.

Now it's time for the alternate approach where you go nuclear on her and the affair and you now longer trust her or give her a chance or talk reasonably to her. Because you've seen what that got you.

she's gone.

So remove the money, your support, the warm bed she sleeps in when her lover hasn't got time for her. Remove her clothes, her car, her insurance, her phone, 

REMOVE YOU from her life, because brother you can do so much better than her, and she's set the bar so low that Rozanne Barr would be a hot babe in comparison.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

universe23 said:


> My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. Over that time we have had a very solid relationship. Other than the occasional fight we have pretty much had smooth sailing. The only area we have had any kind of issue with over the last few years was a dimishing sex life which my wife blamed me for although I always felt it was kind of a mutually shared issue. Even that, however, was only brought up maybe every year or two and then we would move on. We have no kids.
> 
> Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. I knew within a couple of weeks of the affair something was up and it took a few more weeks to flesh out all of the details. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love".
> 
> ...


By allowing this you have told your wife you do not love her nor do you value your marriage. You also told her she is right about you. You are allowing her to be with another man and letting her make a decision like you and her marriage do not matter.

Stand up for yourself. Throw her out and file D. You are making a fool of yourself. Why would she make a decision. She has two men or at least one and a half.

Take control of your marriage and life. Have some self respect. Do the 180. See an attorney, bring home the paper work. Have her bags packed and say enough.

The decision should be yours and not hers. If it is hers, you loose,


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> , and she's set the bar so low that Rozanne Barr would be a hot babe in comparison.


But imagine the fun you would have drinking the case of Jim Beam to make that a reality!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Look you told her you would accept her dating the OM for a long as she likes.
> 
> *So she's now spending her weekends in bed with him, and since he is broke she is spnending your family money to date him.*
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Cheating till dday is one thing and banging OM and coming home without a trace of guilt is another thing, its heinous act, can only be done by a sick person who don't value the BS even as a human being.

Why you want her back?:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

Wanted to give an update. Had "the talk" with her today. Told her she needed to either pick me or move out. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and it turned into a big fight where she blamed me for ruining our marriage and forcing her into this affair. She is now out apartment shopping with her friend. Thanks for everyones input.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

universe23 said:


> My wife and I have been together 23 years and married for 17. We have no kids. Well I caught her cheating a couple of months ago with a guy she dated when she was 17 who she recently reconnected with on Facebook. They have now been running around for 3 months. I confronted her and told her I knew in the most compassionate nonthreatening way possible about 5 weeks ago. I told her I knew most of the details of their relationship, including that they were having sex and that they had supposedly fallen "in love".
> 
> She apologized for her actions and told me she wasn't proud of herself but basically blamed me for forcing her to behave in this manner. She said she still loved me as well, however, and didn't know what she wanted to do. *I told her I didn't expect a decision immediately but that she could take some time to figure things out *since I wanted her to make the right decision.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry. You still have a lot of drama in your future. Your wife is not going to be happy with any of the apartments that are in her price range. Don't take for granted that this alien creature who inhabits your wife's body won't hatch a plot to falsely accuse you of something to force you out and let her move the other man in. After all, she is telling you that she had "no choice" but to give in to other man's advances because of what a monster you are. The dopamine in your wife's brain is a powerful drug and could affect her thought process. She also could get pressure from the other man and maybe even her best friend.

Purchase a voice-activated recorded and keep it on you at all times. Better safe than sorry.

As far as breaking up the affair, you forcing the issue is about the best thing that could have happened. Now your wife's view of the other man is likely to drastically change as she sees how he handles this new situation. It no longer will be all rainbows and unicorns - real life is about to intrude on their fantasy land.

While you're waiting for your wife to find an apartment, suggest to her that maybe she could move in with the other man. If not, maybe they could get an apartment together. The more contact they have, the sooner the affair will end.

Be pleasant with your wife and do not let her engage you in heated arguments. If she starts to argue with you, just tell her you will be happy to talk to her when she calms down and leave the room. Try to limit your conversations to the day-to-day practical considerations that result from living together, and the divorce settlement.

If wife does want to come back to you, make sure you have proper conditions in place so she can't just continue to have contact with the other man while enjoying the stability and security and material comforts her marriage to you provides. That's what she really wants - to have her boyfriend for love and sex and you for the home life. If you had let the situation continue, she would never have made up her mind and you still would be in the same situation next year.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

The boyfriend lives with his parents over an hour away, I kid you not, so I suspect he will come running as soon as she gets set up in her new place. I wonder how them shacking up together in a dumpy apartment is going to work out for them? Guess I will be finding out in the near future.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

universe23 said:


> The boyfriend lives with his parents over an hour away, I kid you not, so I suspect he will come running as soon as she gets set up in her new place. I wonder how them shacking up together in a dumpy apartment is going to work out for them? Guess I will be finding out in the near future.


Sorry my friend. Now it's time to expose her to a real "Midlife" crisis. 

Go 180 totally. This is to better yourself and insulate yourself from her rage. Don't confront, discuss, or otherwise engage her in conversation. 

Seek a shark divorce atty at once. Then and only then should you speak to her. And only about division of assets and other divorce details. 

If she starts to discuss other issues. Just say. "I'm not going to get into that. That's water under the bridge. Let's get back to the details"

DO not rant, yell, get red in the face, cry, etc. Be stoic. Totally stoic. It may be hard but in the long run you'll be proud of the honorable way you conducted yourself. 

If she says she wants to 'work it out with you'. Tell her to put her proposal on paper. But to start with details of her infidelity. 

Additionally, if she agrees to commit to paper any proposal to R, tell her you'll shred the paper the instant you see any accusation of your responsibility in her affair.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Wanted to give an update. Had "the talk" with her today. Told her she needed to either pick me or move out. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and it turned into a big fight where she blamed me for ruining our marriage and forcing her into this affair. She is now out apartment shopping with her friend. Thanks for everyones input.


Sorry Uni...that's a play right outta the cheater's playbook. It's used more than an end around.

You take care of YOU at this point. It's all you can do. Truly read up on the 180 and follow it to the letter.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Sorry Uni...that's a play right outta the cheater's playbook. It's used more than an end around.
> 
> You take care of YOU at this point. It's all you can do. Truly read up on the 180 and follow it to the letter.


Already on the 180, at least as much as I can be after only a few days of trying. It is hard to get used to yet liberating at the same time. I wish I had tried it out a few weeks ago instead of letting all of this consume me.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

universe23 said:


> The boyfriend lives with his parents over an hour away, I kid you not, so I suspect he will come running as soon as she gets set up in her new place. I wonder how them shacking up together in a dumpy apartment is going to work out for them? Guess I will be finding out in the near future.


My guess is that your wife will get sick of playing mommy for a 40-something-year-old man-child pretty quickly. I give it three weeks, definitely by the time she has to pay next month's rent.

Living with mommy and daddy as he has been, other man is not used to cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. Now your wife gets to do all that AND pay for everything AND pick up his dirty underwear off the floor. All in a dumpy apartment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Waywards *Always * have a reason (they never, _ever_ have excuses!) to cheat.

And it is _always_ the fault of their loyal, faithful spouse.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Waywards *Always * have a reason (they never, _ever_ have excuses!) to cheat.
> *
> MattMatt's Law of Infidelity*
> 
> ...


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Already on the 180, at least as much as I can be after only a few days of trying. It is hard to get used to yet liberating at the same time. I wish I had tried it out a few weeks ago instead of letting all of this consume me.




File D to show you repect yourelf and your marriage. You let this go too long.

Get to an IC and work on yourself. You need to get yourself in a better place.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You have shared your life with this woman for such a long time that it is almost impossible for you to believe that you have become so disposable. You have no kids so the equation is simple.

By her actions does she demonstrate that she wants to be with me?

This is from your point of view. 
Ignore her waffling about "being friends and making her mind up"
Ignore her blaming you for making her do this.
Ignore it all, because it is now irrelevant. 

She has chosen him over you. Your lifetime together is worth nothing because she has already detached from you. You have been blindsided but I think you may find this is an exit affair. 

The affair will go on for as long as required for you to stop loving her. It will continue despite good sense. Despite her proclaiming to miss you, despite many tears and grovelling apologies for hurting you.

It will continue because she knows that for as long as you love her she can never be free of you. That is what she wants.

This sounds like I am on her side. I'm not but it took me a long time to realize that i was not being manipulated but that I was manipulating my own thoughts to fit in with the belief that she was essentially a good person who loved me but having a midlife crisis. 
I divorced her and she still knew that for me it was not over. It certainly helped me detach, but she knew. 25 years of love can not be wiped away in 18 months. 
She refused to end the affair even though it cost one of her kids..
She refused to give it up because what she wanted was more valuable to her. Space, independence, freedom

Now.. Almost two years and I met up with her at a kid related function and I was friendly, detached, asked about her jobs [yes plural] and smiled when she smiled.
I could see panic in her eyes. The same panic she had seen in mine. I was gone.

She immediately started to try and re-engage me in relationship talk. I just was not interested. 

Only a week ago she called me and said. 
"It is over with OM. I ended it" 

I heard myself saying. "Oh. OM must be quiet upset" She tried to them tell me he was and I just said I'm really not interested and changed the subject
I only tell you this because that is what I think you are in for. 
Forget her as fast as you can. For your own sanity.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Make sure you make her life financial he*l---she WILL pay half the utilities on the home, along with half the mtg---half of ALL insurances---cut off her medical----take the car away from her---and put ALL monies in an acct with only your name on it---cancel any CC with her name on it

Make it impossible for them to live on her money---make it impossible for them to have any life at all---sex only, will get old real soon

Give her a very large dose of REALITY---take away computer cellphone, everything electronic---make it impossible for her to be in contact without having to spend her own money to pay for the contact

Make sure at this point she knows the mge is over, and ignore her blame shifting and rewriting marital history

double digit yrs into a mge---things are boring and same old---that is the only thing that is wrong---she just wants some new hot excitement----BUT NO WAY AT YOUR EXPENSE


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Uni,

Just focus on yourself, your welfare, your well-being. It is not easy, I know. You will apprecaite yourself for having done that.

Read the link "let them go".

Stay calm.
Peaceful.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

File man. Stop living as some womans backup.
Now, as for you being tough everywhere else, NEVER going to believe it !!!! There is NO WAY it wouldn'd have run over into everyday life.

Do you have any idea of the mess she has made. Will you have sex with her now without her getting tested for VD ?? Will she get tested ?? We here KNOW, affair sex is unprotected sex.
Can you imagine how others see you?? I bet her best friend has said somthing to someone, and that person to others. NOTHING happens in a vacume dude. Ther are plenty of ppl right now that knows your personal biz, and see you as some weak sucker.

As Shaggy said, she is never going to have any respect for you after letting her do this. It just DON'T work that way.
File and look at this as a do over. As a time to invest in a new life, doing the things that plz you, you've always wanted to do.

I don't care if you short, fat and bald, if you carry yourself a certain way, women will find you attractive.


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

We are in NC so we must live separately for a year prior to being able to file for D. Until the year has passed we will basically be in a holding pattern once she moves out.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You say that like it's a bad thing. It gives her a chance (a SMALL chance for her to wake up)

You need to decide if you want to keep a woman who can KNOWINGLY walk away from you with a smile on her face and a song in her heart to go f*ck another man.

She might not totally be in her right mind...but lots of women menopausal don't cheat.

An R can work...but it's your choice.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Universe

Stop being upset.

It is time to really get tough.

Your wife has lost all respect for you. I hope by now you have lost respect for her.

Good move telling her to choose. By her moving out she has chosen the loser.

Again do not be upset by this.

In fact now is the time to up your "A" game.

*A. Get her crap out as fast as possible.*

*B. Alert your entire family and friends what your wayward wife has been up to for these past few months.*
This is not done out of revenge but to expose the Affair to everyone that she respects.
It is time for everyone to know what is really going on. Not just her BFF.

*C. Separate your finances now.*

*D. Make your separation legal and binding through an attorney ASAP.*

You need to hit her hard and fast. You need to shock her into reality. 
You need her to believe that you are moving on........

*E. Take care of yourself. Get in shape. Eat healthy. Get a new wardrobe.*

*F. Act happy every time you see her. Make plan with friends and go out as much as possible. Be busy, look busy and make it clear to her that you are going to have a great life without her.* And if you have to you fake it until you make it!!!!!!

And no matter what no more doormat. And if you have had sex with her recently you need to get tested for STD's.

You guys had issues in your marriage but you did not force her lie, cheat and screw the OM.

*She did that all on her own.*

*And until she can comprehend that and admit it to you and then apologize to you,,,,, she is worthless to you!!!*

HM64


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

One thing you need to recall. She'll call foul on the sex thing. What did she do to either spice things up or get help? Did she have you see a doctor? How about a therapist? No? The. It really wasn't a problem. Who initiated the complaints? You? Her?

Did she communicate what was wrong?

If the answers to most of these questions is 'no' and 'you', you don't have much if any blame.

So don't let her pull that crap.

BTW where exactly were they having sex? His parents house?

Get a new mattress and also check your credit cards for hotel charges. See if you can recoup the charges in settlement.

Ask her friend to put her up while she is apartment hunting. If she refuses, call her folks and ask them. "Hi, Dad? Yeah. Shelly has decided to cheat on me with this guy and I'm throwing her out. Can she stay there?"

Actually, call all her friends with that line and civilly and graciously arrange temporary living accommodations for the short term. Give her the list. I fear she may not thank you for your thoughtfulness...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## universe23 (Oct 31, 2012)

As far as I can tell, they have been screwing in hotel rooms or at his parents house when they are away. I handle all our money and have no evidence she has charged anything to pay for any of their little get togethers. She doesnt have any family so there isnt anyone to tell and she teaches school for a living so I would probably be better off staying away from her workplace. She stayed at bffs last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

universe23 said:


> As far as I can tell, they have been screwing in hotel rooms or at his parents house when they are away. I handle all our money and have no evidence she has charged anything to pay for any of their little get togethers. She doesnt have any family so there isnt anyone to tell and she teaches school for a living so I would probably be better off staying away from her workplace. She stayed at bffs last night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good.

Now take all her clothes, pack them in hefty trash bags and dump them off at her BFF's house.

That is what your wife deserves.

And then she will not have to come home at all.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I always wonder about these cheating spouses rolling back to their "first love." Mainly because that's where my wife went - after 34 years.

There might be some imprinting involved with those first relationships, so the feelings are so strong, it's like being 17 again.

The other issue is it raises more feelings of being the "rebound" second choice in the betrayed spouse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

universe23 said:


> As far as I can tell, they have been screwing in hotel rooms or at his parents house when they are away. I handle all our money and have no evidence she has charged anything to pay for any of their little get togethers. She doesnt have any family so there isnt anyone to tell and she teaches school for a living so I would probably be better off staying away from her workplace. She stayed at bffs last night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look for cash withdrawls for the hotels, and any gifts cards that got bought on the credit cards.

-

Have you posted OM on cheaterville.com?

-

Move important personal affects and documents (old tax records) off site into either a storage locker or a trusted friends house. 

Your wife is going to raid your house of everything she needs for her new appt. 

--

Expose the affair wide and far. Make it humiliating for her and OM to be with friends and family, because the will all be talking about her and the what a looser he is.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you posted OM on cheaterville.com?
> 
> 
> Expose the affair wide and far. Make it humiliating for her and OM to be with friends and family, because the will all be talking about her and the what a looser he is.


Does cheaterville.com work!?!!!

Why, yes. Yes, it does. I took Shaggy's advice back in July and put him on the site. As of today, the number of views of the xOM's "profile" is 530,000!! Oh...and the partners in his law firm got the anonymous email that the site provides.

Oh...and as of August (right around the time of the emails) he is no longer an attorney for that firm. Matter of fact, looks like now he's working at some new energy company as a glorified sales person.

So, listen to Shaggy and post this dude on cheaterville. I'm Dig, and I approve this message.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Does cheaterville.com work!?!!!
> 
> Why, yes. Yes, it does. I took Shaggy's advice back in July and put him on the site. As of today, the number of views of the xOM's "profile" is 530,000!! Oh...and the partners in his law firm got the anonymous email that the site provides.
> 
> ...


Now that's a karma story. Well done dig!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

universe23 said:


> Wanted to give an update. Had "the talk" with her today. Told her she needed to either pick me or move out. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and it turned into a big fight where *she blamed me for ruining our marriage and forcing her into this affair.* She is now out apartment shopping with her friend. Thanks for everyones input.


And she forced you to kick her lying cheating ass out of the house..


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

universe23 said:


> Wanted to give an update. Had "the talk" with her today. Told her she needed to either pick me or move out. *She said she still didn't know what she wanted and it turned into a big fight where she blamed me for ruining our marriage and forcing her into this affair.* She is now out apartment shopping with her friend. Thanks for everyones input.


She's mad because you ruined her cake eating. She had it made
banging OM and living with and being supported by you. 

Now she's moving into a small, dingy apartment. 

You are so mean!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You do know that in No Caro---you can file an action against her lover for alienation of affection, and criminal conversation------I imagine if nothing else that will scare the crap out of him----

as to your wife, you could do the same thing---depends on whether you ever intend to live in misery with her---or move on with a new life, as a new man


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Definitely name the OM in the filing.

And definitely expose the affair and the marriage to the parents of the OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Now that's a karma story. Well done dig!


Good job someday! It still cracks me up YOU were the villian for exposing to omw what a bunch of schmucks!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have separated the finances - right? 

Canceled joint credit cards and joint bank accounts.

Don't finance her affair or her fantasy life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Good job someday! It still cracks me up YOU were the villian for exposing to omw what a bunch of schmucks!


Yeah, those idiots are so f'd up it's unbelievable. They can live in their little dream world down the street. We have made much better friends lately. Those people are history. Written off history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Does cheaterville.com work!?!!!
> 
> Why, yes. Yes, it does. I took Shaggy's advice back in July and put him on the site. As of today, the number of views of the xOM's "profile" is 530,000!! Oh...and the partners in his law firm got the anonymous email that the site provides.
> 
> ...


I did not know. brought a smile to my face. I cannot remember the last post that I liked so much.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So,have you manned upr are you still her doormat?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Does cheaterville.com work!?!!!
> 
> Why, yes. Yes, it does. I took Shaggy's advice back in July and put him on the site. As of today, the number of views of the xOM's "profile" is 530,000!! Oh...and the partners in his law firm got the anonymous email that the site provides.
> 
> ...


Is Regret on cheaterville too? Shouldn't she pay the say price?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Is Regret on cheaterville too? Shouldn't she pay the say price?


I don't need to post her. If the xOM's wife wanted to, that's her business. Regret knows that's a possibility and the reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I did not know. brought a smile to my face. I cannot remember the last post that I liked so much.


I agree HB. Dig made me laugh and smile.

Thanks Dig.....


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Can you honestly say you can live, love and respect a woman that will can do this to you ???
It's not like the two of you are just starting out.
You have been there for each other. Now she is being such a sleeze to the one person who took care of her when she was sick!!

The question you need to answer, is why YOU have so lil respct for yourself.
Why are you so afraid to be alone ??
My man, I can do bad by my own self. I REFUSE to let anyone S**T on me.
Can you say that??? well thats what she is doing.
If she had any respect for you and the history you've shared, she would have left, or at last stop sleeping with him until she made a decision.

So I ask again, why do YOU want this, this, this ********** in your life??


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I always wonder about these cheating spouses rolling back to their "first love." Mainly because that's where my wife went - after 34 years.
> 
> There might be some imprinting involved with those first relationships, so the feelings are so strong, it's like being 17 again.
> 
> The other issue is it raises more feelings of being the "rebound" second choice in the betrayed spouse.


Martin

Imprinting or not people change after 34 years. Just the fact your wife went back to her first love "fantasy" shows how nuts she is.

So do not worry about feeling like the rebound.

You should just enjoy the "sane" feeling.

And it is ok to be a little angry for your exwife wasting 34 years of your life.

If only you could sue her for that.


HM64


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## Saintest (Jun 1, 2016)

I can assure you have been extremely angry and we have had multiple fights over the last couple of months. I was only calm when I initially told her because I didn't want to lose my composure and had time to plan every word I was going to say. Since then we have had several angry exchanges when her behavior has set me off. I may be acting like a doormat but my wife knows I'm an angry one.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You are suffering the consequences of not stamping on this hard and fast when you found out.

You have become a cu..ckhold and doormat. Your wife has lost respect for you through your inactions.

What reason or consequence have you given your wife to stop?

She only wants you around to support her.

File for divorce and put the house up for sale.

If you truly want to save your marriage you must first be prepared to lose it.

Only by taking hard actions against her might you have any chance of salvaging your marriage.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

did anybody look at the date on this thread? The op hasn't been on here for like 4 years.


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