# Is my marriage over ?



## Shashadoobie (Jun 14, 2009)

I have been married for 24 years and have a 20 year old son and 23 year old daugther that live at home do to attending college. My wife had an emotional and physical affair 2 years ago. At that point in my life I chose to forgive, and recommitt to communicate with her and work with her on saving not only the marriage, but the family unit and all that involves that. For 18 months it went fine. About 6 months ago, I felt a difference in our chemistry. Then 4 months ago I discovered she was not shopping on a Friday afternoon, but rather having lunch, and then a couple of beers and finally in the front seat kissing another man, but not the man from 2 years ago.
My wife works out at a local gym daily, everyday, for the past 3 years. She is currenty unemployed, and now will go to the gym twice a day. She physically looks like any professional woman bobybuilder, so I know the gym is for real. The lunch date came as a result from a friendship at the gym.
A month ago I discovered a IPOD that was not ours and she informed me that another guy from the gym asked her to download some music on it, and she did. 
I am staying in a motel right now because she says she needs time to clear her head. She does not want to have to text me or call me throughout the day while I am at work. She feels I should not ask her "what are you doing today, or where are you or where have you been?" anylonger. She feels I cannot let go of the past and need to believe her now that she wants to stay married, wants to grow old together and does not want to be with anyone other than me. Yet, she does not want me to come home yet, because she feels pressure to be close to me, even to the point of an embrace or kiss. She says she is not ready for that and my being there would stress her even more to that extent. 
I seen a counseler 2 days ago for the first time and go back on Tuesday. She does not want to go, but may consider it in afew weeks. I guess what would you do in you were me? Thanks in advance.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Welcome to the boards and am sorry you are going through this.

Ok, you asked:

I think you are being walked on. I do not understand WHY you moved to a hotel. Nice of you to do so, now she can do her "thing" which is cheat and lie to you, without having to watch her step with you underfoot.

If my spouse treated me the way she is/has treated you, I would show her the door and tell her "Don't let the door hit you in the #ss on the way out"! 

I go to the gym. I do NOT download some guy some music!  That is a crock. I don't have affairs with other guys. A MARRIED woman can look at the gym, but she certainly does NOT make MALE "friends", go to lunch, and do the kissy facey with them in the car! WAKE UP, dude.

If she needs to "clear her head" let HER pack her bag and go to a hotel to "clear _HER _head". Telling you this is also a stall technique and a crock.

It is your home, you pay for it, you pay for her gym membership, you clothe her, you feed her, you put up with her cheating (two for sure and another maybe from what I read), too? Gosh, wanna be MY husband, you are easy.

I _know _how bad you want to keep "family" together (I do to as I've been at it for 24 years now, too). I know how bad you want this not to be happening, to just go away. You are going to have to wake up and smell the roses as you cannot continue to be a doormat, or become one, because you are starting to look like one. Doormats get depressed, doormats get used and that is depressing. 

Put your bag in the car, go home, sleep in the spare room and call your lawyer Monday morning. She has a habit, and it is wrong. Looks to ME like she has lots to loose. Trust me there are LOTS of women out there that won't cheat on a loving husband! Don't sell yourself short.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, and IF you are in Texas the judges here take a dim view on cheating...still one of those states that take it into account.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

I second that. Don't let yourself be walked all over.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Have you discovered why she is seeking affairs? Have you resolved the issues? It does seem unfair why you need to be kicked out of the house. Marriage problems don't just end when the affair ends. There is usually some deeper issues.


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## 4oneone (Jun 11, 2009)

You need to let go I too have been married 24 years also and I have condition my brain to be ready should my wife decide to trip out. I know it will hurt me but the mere thought of her with another man will shut me off from her period. If 24 years of a good life and you want to seek others besides me then I too will put you out on my mind. Everything I do is based upon my wife's approval and she is the same with me so when that kind of togetherness breaks down it is time to go.


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## Shashadoobie (Jun 14, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. I certainly am not without fault, I have some minus marks in my column too. Both my kids have told her that she has changed, that she is different even to them. The gym and her obessiveness about her looks and not getting old drives her daily. She has commented to us that she is the happiest in her day when she is working out. Any activity with myself or the kids is structured around what time and how long shecan be at he gym on that same day. If that is not possible, then she must do double gym duty the day before and after to compensate for the missed day. During the missed day she is constantly thinking about how much missing her workout is hurting her right then. The counselor I am seeing suspects I have a wife with an addiction problem to excerise and her looks, yet I cannot approach her with that. 
The only people that she will listen to is others that either go to or work at her gym. They all praise her looks, suggest she starts competing, etc. My opinion and my son and daughters opinion about how obessive her behavior has become is ignored. 
She has always seemed to feed off of others attention about her appearance. I have always, daily, commented on her looks, sexiness, etc for our entire marriage, for I truly feel I am fortunate to be with a woman that others turn to look at.


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