# i just need tell someone



## rep01 (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm 28 almost 29. My husband and I will have been married 10 years next summer. We have three beautiful children between the ages of 4 and 8. Everyone thinks we have a great marriage. My husband is very sensitive and can be very attentive and loving. He is a excellent father and provider. 

The problem starts with the porn addiction i knew nothing of when we married. We dated for two whole years and i never caught a hint of it. He often told me how much he hated it because it was one of the reasons for his own parents split. When I found out about it I felt betrayed and very insecure about myself. It's something we have struggled with the whole time we have been married. He would quit looking for months at a time sometimes years then he would fall off the wagon. Despite that i felt secure in our marriage. I knew he would never meet these women for a one night stand and it didn't seem to take away from our physical relationship.

Last year the problem became worse and changed in nature. I found a video on his computer one day when i was looking for a video that his brother had take of the kids in a play. I started it trying to see it if was the right video. What i got was instead a women pleasuring herself and talking dirty to the camera. I might have thought it was a porn video except she said his name. I packed the kids up and went to my family. I was determined to make him work to get me back. After all I've spent every day since we married trying to make him feel happy and safe. Even going so far as to give up several male friends that made him uneasy. I have always been loyal to him and expected the same in return. I won't say that I've never been attracted to other men. I just knew that i loved my husband and an affair was not worth it for anyone much less someone that I simply found attractive. I could not understand how he could do something like that to me.

After several long discussions and some counseling from an outside source, I found the the emotional affair came from his need to have someone understand him. He enjoyed to attention and having someone who adored him. He also enjoyed helping her with problems and being there for her. I was very much an ego stroking thing for him. What he didn't understand was that I focusing so much attention on her he neglected to realize that he could have gotten the same things from me if he was willing to ask. During the period of time that the affair was going on I knew something was wrong. I would often try to entice him to bed early even going further than I normally would to be seductive. I would try to have long conversations about what seemed to be bothering him but he would say it was work nothing more. It got to the point where he would hardly touch me or speak to me about anything but the kids. After I found out about the affair he told me that part of the reason he went to her was because he had more in common with her and he felt I just couldn't understand him. In a way he is right. I could have been the one he took his problems to even begged to know and help but he choose not to trust me with them.

We decided to work things and things were going well. For almost a year our marriage was better than ever. We talked about everything. Even things I never thought we would be comfortable talking about. We worked on understanding each other better and expressing our needs to the other. Even our physical relationship had gotten better because it felt like we were finding each other all over again. We spent more time together as a family and built better relationships with our family and friends. I won't lie it wasn't as easy as it sounds. We has a some fights and I often had moments of insecurity. The insecurity eventually passed till about a month ago. Twice in one month on days that I worked and he did not I would tell him I was coming home for lunch and the time I would be there. He promised to be there but was not when I got home. The first time I accepted the excuse that he forgot. The second time I thought he was trying to hurt me so I confronted him. It was a mistake he had gotten tied up with his mother and couldn't leave without offending her. I told him I was sorry and tried to make it up to him for getting so angry.

Then we had one of the worst nights of my life. My husband had been feeling sick for some time and believed it was acid reflex. One night he was in such pain I thought he was having a heart attack. I had to dress the man and drag him to the car to get him to the hospital. I had picked his cell phone up on the way out thinking that it was mine since they look almost the same. His mother and stepfather met me at the hospital and sat in the waiting room with the kids while i paced worried sick that the worst was happening. Just then I got a text. Thinking it was my phone I checked it and imagine my shock when it was a suggestive little message asking when the wife and kids were going to bed. It might seem disgusting that i didn't wait to get his story but i checked his cell for both his outgoing and incoming messages and found that for two weeks he had been carrying on with her. I even found naked pics of her. It was very disturbing. I looked right at my mother-in-law and told her that I thought I was going to pass out. She took the phone and believe me she was just a pissed as me. In my mind for a second I almost didn't care if he lived or not. I was so crushed and I felt like a fool. 

He needed surgery and its been a week since then. We haven't really talked about it much. Except to find out that the reason he sought her our was because of the fight about the missed lunch. He thought I didn't trust him and he wanted to get back at me. Well big surprise I didn't trust him! I'm not sure if I can go through all this again and I'm not sure I should. I love him but my lack of trust in him is eating me alive. He doesn't understand why I feel like these women are affairs since he never had physical contact with them and I've tried to make him understand that he would feel as I do if he was in my place. I don't want to stay with him if its only going to happen again but I don't want to leave if there is any hope of working through it. I just get so angry when he doesn't understand how he hurts me and selfishly I wonder if I really should do the same to him just so he hurts as much as I do. The thought is a fleeting one though because it would hurt everyone not just him. I want to do whats best for my family and for myself. I have spent far to many years focusing on my husband and marriage. I think its time to find ways to make myself into a better and more interesting person. The problem is do I do that with or without a husband. If anyone has any advice on either the marriage situation or moving on from the situation I've found myself in I would love to hear from you. Thank you for listening.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how many chances are you willing to give him? He has no regard for your marriage.

his "excuses" are complete and utter crap btw


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Now when you read this please realize it is coming from a woman who seems to not have the strength to leave her husband of 28 years. A woman who through answering your post is working on herself with the answer. 

Our stories are similar. 

Please clear your head. Take a breath. Walk away from the computer do something for an hour or so. Come back and read your post as if it were a stangers and not yours.

What I see is a woman who is loyal. Who loves with all her heart a man who is not loyal. 

This man is giving the MOST intimate part of himself to another woman. He claims this last gist is out of revenge. He has repeatedly done such intimate things during the entire marraige. It's cheating. He knows it is, yet he continues. 

Something I am working on are boundries and consequences. For your husbands betrayal you have given him love forgiveness and understanding. For the pain he has caused you what has he contributed? More pain. 

Read it again. Create your boundries and stay true to yourself like he NEVER has. You deserve to be true to yourself, rather than staying true to him. 

You treat a lying, manipulative, angry, sick, cheating man better than you treat yourself..............................

WHY?


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## Recovering (Dec 8, 2011)

You need to lay out some consequences for his actions. It's not ok what he is doing and you should let him know through actions and not words that you won't put up with it.


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## porn_divorcée (Dec 9, 2011)

As you can probably tell by my username, my ex's addiction to pornography was the catalyst for our divorce. I am not suggesting that you should call a divorce lawyer at this point just that you understand that you're not alone in what you're experiencing. Not by a long shot. In fact, I read somewhere that according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, pornography was a significant factor in two out of three divorces in the U.S. back in 2003.

One other point about the cell phone and pornography is that my ex's addiction (that's what it was) to porn was via our PC in the living room which he would use when I wasn't there. However, because he was clever enough to hide his tracks by erasing the PC's browsing history, I could never prove that he was looking at porn until I used a service for $20 which helped me learn about his porn habits! Once I found out, he switched to using his cell phone to feed his addiction but the aforementioned service didn't work on cellular technology… but I then it didn't matter because the damage to our marriage had already been done.

We're all here for you.


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