# It's official, you guys were right! I'm a BS.



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Here's my original story -

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32110-newbie-but-long-time-lurker.html

Basically, husband of 17 years had an EA with a coworker (extent of EA is questionable, he downplays it now that I know about ONS with another girl) that lasted 2 years and ended about 3 years ago. I unfortunately tested positive for HPV around that time (thankfully it has since cleared), but he claims he was never physical with coworker and the HPV had to come from ONS. ONS was 9 years ago and supposedly only a BJ, so I still struggle with the length of time I had the HPV (5 years) and the method in which he says I caught it. I have gotten no closure and I'm more miserable than ever. 

Picking up where I last left off in the above link -

He agreed to the polygraph, but reality set in and he finally broke down and told me there was no kiss with a girl on a business trip, it was actually a BJ. He never kissed her, just laid there and received her cursed gift. He is adamant this is the only physical contact he has had with anyone since we got married. It's gross, so I think it may be true? He got drunk at an out of town business party. He was sharing a room with a coworker. His coworker brought back a girl from the party and while my husband passed out the other two began to have sex. He woke up to this and the girl then offered him a BJ, which he took! He can't give me a reason why he went thru with it, only that he immediately felt awful. He admits it was extremely selfish and stupid. He begged his coworker not to tell anyone the next morning and the 9 year deception began. Meanwhile, we had been married 8 years and had 2 small kids at home. The youngest was 2 when the ONS took place. This upsets me greatly.

I struggle that the BJ wasn't actually intercourse. I want the truth. I have talked to so many nurses and docs, getting HPV from a BJ is extremely rare, but I'm too embarrassed to tell them the **** had literally just been with another guy! There's nothing online that talks about that scenario! He says he has now come clean (I've been told that before.) and he's willing AGAIN to take a polygraph. Course, we're now broke cause he changed locations to get away from coworker and lost part of his salary. So, I'm saving up and I worry he's now bluffing on the test again. 

Where are we at now? 
The BJ confession came out about 4 months ago. He did the right things at first, but I was in shock. I went along with it and we dated, he hugged me... Then reality hit me. He did not take that well. He quickly forgot what he needed to do to help me and it turned ugly. Went to MC, wasted over a $1,300. It seemed to make things worse. She was definitely a rug sweeper and when I began to talk about what happened she would tell me in front of him I needed to only concentrate on the present and future. We quit going. Now he's depressed and on meds. He says he never told me for fear I'd leave him. We're both in IC, but visits are not frequent enough given our insurance and money situation. 

Now he's trying again. I gave him material to read from this site. I think he had forgotten exactly what hell I'm going thru and wasn't being patient. He has read books for me, one called Hedges about boundaries. He still says he didn't realize what he had with his coworker was cheating, never thought of it as a threat to our marriage cause it was never physical. He claims he's sorry, loves me and is willing to do what it takes. I do believe he is not up to anything now, it's almost like he had a 5 year long mid life crisis? I dunno, but since coworker relationship ended 3 years ago he slowly got back to his old self. So, we're really dealing with old suppressed issues. 

Roadblocks for me - 
How can you be married for 8 years and have 2 small kids at home and risk it all for a drunken BJ with a stranger? 

The years since... It now all feels like a lie. 9 years of deception. I'm freaked out he was with another girl and I didn't know for so long. Pictures around the house make me cry, there I was the stupid wife. I feel like 9 years were stolen from me and it has tainted even the memories of our kids growing up. 

The HPV. Still doesn't add up, but he's so adamant he never touched coworker and it wasn't from intercourse with the ONS. It doesn't help nobody really seems to understand HPV and all the info online is confusing. How do I ever know?!? Was it dormant after the BJ and then came out a few years later? Did I just hang onto the virus that long? Who really knows?!?

And just when I start thinking the coworker relationship wasn't enough to worry this much about or end our marriage, the doubt creeps back in. How do you know when you've finally gotten the truth? This relationship seems so vague. It's hard to understand.

He didn't confess on his own accord, I had to threaten him with a polygraph. He didn't end the coworker relationship himself, she did. And I still don't know why. He says he doesn't know. And the blame shifting he did at first when I started asking questions... The made up kiss story... The lies! 

And of course, the feelings of humiliation, self image being destroyed, new sexual hangups I never thought I'd have. The list goes on and I'm sure many of you can relate. The images and doubts are pure mental torture.

I'm not sure what to do. It's haunting me. I haven't worked in years. I feel so clueless. My resume is old and has a massive gap in it. I feel lost and alone. Do I leave or stay? I go back and forth from hour to hour. The kids are happy, he's clearly been back with the family for years now, yet I don't know if I can live with this knowledge now hanging over me. How do you love and trust again? It's all so sad. He seems interested in renewing things between us, going back to things we did earlier, but had slowly gotten away from over the years - flowers, actually dating, hugging on the sofa, helping me out around the house... I just feel the ONS is unacceptable and I don't know if I can forgive him of that. It hurts too bad. How do I love back? I almost feel like it's a reward from me to him for hurting me and breaking my trust. 

Anyway, I'm sure I'm leaving out lots. I'll be around now. I literally was so distraught I couldn't even get on the computer. It takes alot of effort to get everyday things done now. The anxiety is overwhelming! 

Thanks for any support and/or advice. You guys were right on back when I first posted.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He is lying. I bet he had sex and more than once He had a ONS and the affair lasted how long? 2 years. When I confronted my wife for about the 5th time on December 13th (D-day was Nov. 29th) I got more details. Prior to this she had told me that they only kissed, (her oldest brother who is a pastor told me when I called him that a kiss is code for, "we had sex"). Her brother was correct. Then she told me on December 4th that they had sex once on their first time together and after that they sat at a car wash and talked about how bad they felt. Her older brother told me on Dec. 13th just about two hours prior to me meeting with my wife that if she met with him 6 more times and they had sex in a hotel the first time that she would be the first person in history not to go as far as they went the first time. He said you do not go backwards. We met on the Dec. 13th at a Roadway Inn in a town between where I work (I live 3 hours from home and rent an apartment during the week) and where our home is. I did not know that she had sex for the first time in a Roadway Inn (ironic). I was very drunk by the time she got there and I had a list of demands that I and her family had given me advise. She finally broke down and told me just about everything. Sex everytime they me except for the the last time becasue as they sat in an Amish church parking lot on a rainy night gettng ready to have sex, I called her and told her I knew where she was and who she was with.

You are getting trickle truth. He had intercourse and he had it multiple times. 

Read the post here. Your gut is also telling you that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HB, sorry to say but I completely agree with Thorburn, your H is still trickle truthing you. You need to carry out the polygraph to its end, he just called your bluff by upping the anti. Maybe it is time you go all in, show each other your cards and see what he really has. Sorry for the poker analogy, but like you say it still doesn't add up, he didn't transmit HPV to you by getting a BJ all those years ago... there has been 9 years of deception and it hasn't been a one time event at the beginning, he has had many years of learning how to cover his tracks and convince you he has been solely back with you and your family. You will question every single moment, even if your mind tries to convince you that you are over-reacting - you are not.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I want the truth.


Then schedule the polygraph and don't let him weasel his way out of it in the parking lot again.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're having to go through this, I know the feeling. 

I'm also a SHAM and ever since d-day I knew I had to find fulfillment outside of my home and children. We're still in R and everything seems to be going well, but I need more for myself. My H feels remorse and guilt, but he also feels bad that I no longer feel like I can be dependent on him for the long haul. I don't really see this as a bad thing, as my MC says there should be a sense of both partners feeling like they can be financially stable without the other.

As far as the trickle truth and continued lying, I find it the most devastating part of the betrayal of infidelity. About a week after d-day I got the full truth (as far as I know) and my H confessed to cheating on me 10 years ago, less than a year after the birth of our daughter. The first affair was mainly PA (no intercourse, but still) and the second affair was EA/PA. They're both horrible for different reasons, but the years of me being the oblivious wife hurts and makes me feel like a fool. Almost every picture taken since the birth of our first child was during the "betrayed" portion of our marriage. In regards to this, it does get better. Will I get over it? Doubtful. But we can have a better marriage, it just won't be an innocent pure marriage like the one I thought I had.

Needless to say, getting the full truth from your H is crucial. If he's still trickle truthing, then he's doing more damage and making R more difficult. Because your H waited months to confess the BJ, I would schedule a polygraph for your peace of mind. After my H dropped the bombshell of his previous affair (the OWH busted the recent affair, otherwise my H might've gotten away with it again) I kept saying, "No more bombshells." If I'm going to try and forgive and move forward, I want to know it all. I don't want to go through all this pain, then find out in five years there was a third affair. Or he did have intercourse with the the first AP or he had more sex with the second AP than he told me. At this point, what he did or didn't do really isn't the issue, it's the lying. If he's lying, then he's not committed to being in a totally honest and more emotionally intimate relationship, which is the goal of R. If the marriage isn't going to be better, why bother?

Good luck and make sure your H knows how important it is he comes clean. You don't want to hear he did have sex with the ONS in 40 years when he's on his deathbed because he doesn't want to die feeling guilty. My H used to wonder if he could carry his secrets to the grave and thought he'd have to confess at some point. Would've been way worse to find this out after 50 years of marriage opposed to 15, just saying.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have to rely on the truth of how you feel when you're with him. Nothing else really matters. I mean it does, but what really matters is how you feel.

Actual facts don't matter because he lied for 9 years, and was able to make you feel good. Now he could tell the truth and it will make you angry, so do you really expect him to do that, tell the truth? He lied even when you felt good! So chances are he will lie when you don't feel good, too. It's not like you're a baby down the well and he's going to feel compelled to stage a rescue armed with truth, just to help you. He doesn't really care about your feelings, or your health, apparently, or his health. Or who he chooses for his company.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks everyone. 
I must make note I had a normal pap every one of those years, I wouldn't have never even known about the HPV if it wasn't for the GYN doing the test. I had no symptoms, nothing. So given that I really have no clue how long I was carrying the virus. Only that most cases clear within two years, but some do lie dormant before becoming active. I just know the year after I got back the positive test they ran another one and it was clear with yet another normal pap. It makes things very difficult to figure out. Did it come from EA, ONS? A BJ after **** had literally just been with another guy? :scratchhead:

So I gave him an article on trickle truth to read last night and told him very bluntly how cruel this is and if he really wants to save this marriage he needs to come clean. I told him I will start questioning people if I have to and that if I find out later down the road he was still lying it was gonna be alot more ugly. He's sticking with his story, though. Just not budging.

We discussed the polygraph and he said he'd borrow money from his folks so he could take it right now. I don't want them more involved than they already are. His mom has already turned this around on me??? So we are saving up and will hopefully be able to put some tax return toward it. My concern is he is on Zoloft and Ativan for what we're going thru and I just read these are the very drugs people take to cheat it! Sooo, where does that leave me? Other drugs listed he could also easily get, even from his folks. If he is lying and bluffing with this poly I'm sure he has already looked up ways to cheat it. Isn't it so sad I have started to think this way about my own husband? It's amazing what betrayal turns marriages into... Not that long ago I thought he was my very best friend and I trusted him with my life. He says he wants to take the test badly so we can move forward and concentrate on what he has told me. He said I will have to agree to let the doubts die if he takes it so we can begin to repair things. He's good, yes? 

Last time he had told me his only physical contact was kissing a girl at the business party and that he never touched coworker. He was all about taking the poly for me. Later, I discovered he had texted a friend he might need a place to stay. He told me he knew he was gonna fail it after I mentioned oral sex is cheating! Maybe he thought I wouldn't ask that? I remember he said something like what are you gonna do when you get what you're after? Later that night he quietly told me the kiss story was all made up and he really got a BJ from a girl. He then put on his shoes and left the house in the middle of the night, later texting me he was sorry, didn't want to hurt me or the kids and he didn't know what to do. 

We discussed the EA again. To be honest I'm not sure about it. He will admit it wasn't appropriate, but didn't realize it at the time. I've gotten deeper into questions with him on her and I'm still undecided what exactly they had. He says it wasn't romantic or physical in nature, more she was his closest confidant at work. That they did not discuss personal matters and rarely talked outside work. But, he won't argue he shouldn't have gotten that close to her. We talked again about how it ended. He says he's not positive, but it had to be work related. We came back from a trip and she was pissed and hanging out with another coworker that had caused issues for hubby in the past. I will not argue she totally used him. Just don't know to what degree.  I keep thinking about sending her a message. I know she's a drug addict and not very friendly. I'm not sure I can trust her she wouldn't retaliate back on us. Work is already difficult for my husband as it is. 

I've become so paranoid. I feel like I'm living with a compulsive liar. All the good years are now even up for question. Like maybe I wasn't really married to who I thought I was. It kills me he has this faithful husband, devoted dad persona at work?!? Who is this guy I've been married to for 17 years?!? Yet, it seems someone from his work would have come to me if they expected anything? One of the girls maybe? I knew many up there. Maybe I should start questioning one of them on their take? 

I tell him I feel like our marriage has all been lies, but he keeps saying it was one bad mistake that he continued to lie about over many years. One lie that was carried out many years. He still is adamant the BJ story is all there is, that his coworker relationship he didn't keep from me. My doubts still remain - BJ was actually intercourse and coworker was more than he's telling me. 

This is exhausting! I really feel trapped. I made bad mistakes along the way, not keeping a career going, not having finances on my own. I have to get out of this depression and find some job out there. I have no money, but his family does and will offer it to him if needed. If we ended up divorcing it will be very bad for me. Mother in law does not like me and it will turn ugly. I don't want that for our kids. I don't want them to be the center of an ugly divorce! Again, he doesn't want a divorce and the thought of it scares me to death for the above reasons. I just suddenly feel so paranoid. Like everything is a big lie. How do you get thru this? Suddenly he seems evil.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Saffron, how do you deal with the years since the affair? Do you feel like it was all a lie? It seems many discover the affairs in the now, fewer discover past ones from long ago. Our MC (who we no longer see), got on to me saying I need to remember the good times as what they were. That's very hard to do. It just all seems so tainted now.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Actual facts don't matter because he lied for 9 years, and was able to make you feel good. Now he could tell the truth and it will make you angry, so do you really expect him to do that, tell the truth? He lied even when you felt good! So chances are he will lie when you don't feel good, too. It's not like you're a baby down the well and he's going to feel compelled to stage a rescue armed with truth, just to help you. He doesn't really care about your feelings, or your health, apparently, or his health. Or who he chooses for his company.


I actually read this to my husband. He definitely had or maybe even still has this attitude that things were better between us when he was lying and now that he's telling the "truth" things are worse. He says weren't you happier not knowing? I guess ignorance is bliss, but once I got back my HPV test that was no longer the case. He screwed around with me about that test for literally 3 years! I told him I can't have a marriage based on lies and to make this work he has to be honest about everything. Just how do I go about that?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Thanks everyone.
> I must make note I had a normal pap every one of those years, I wouldn't have never even known about the HPV if it wasn't for the GYN doing the test. I had no symptoms, nothing. So given that I really have no clue how long I was carrying the virus. Only that most cases clear within two years, but some do lie dormant before becoming active. I just know the year after I got back the positive test they ran another one and it was clear with yet another normal pap. It makes things very difficult to figure out. Did it come from EA, ONS? A BJ after **** had literally just been with another guy? :scratchhead:
> 
> So I gave him an article on trickle truth to read last night and told him very bluntly how cruel this is and if he really wants to save this marriage he needs to come clean. I told him I will start questioning people if I have to and that if I find out later down the road he was still lying it was gonna be alot more ugly. He's sticking with his story, though. Just not budging.
> ...


Sorry for where you are at. It sucks big time.

As far as the poly goes I would drop it from your conversation. Set it up without him knowing about and take him there and spring it on him. I am still thinking of a poly for my wife and when I mentioned it she quickly responded that they are not accurate and looked guilty as hell. Her reponse surprised me because it seemed she knew all about them. My plan is to set up an appointment (here they are around $500.00 or more) tell her that we are going to look at a house and surprise her when we get there. Drugs can skew the results and folks can practise to beat them. Keep in mind that a good poly guy can often outsmart the ones who try to beat it. The accuracy of a poly is pretty damn high, but you have to have to person who knows what they are doing and that is where the accuracy comes to play.

In your case it will more than likely get worst before it gets better. Try to keep your head up. Things will work out for you in a very positive way down the road. I can sense it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

YOU can't have a marriage based on lies. HE apparently can...

I think simplifying that you will forgive his affair(s) _provided he comes clean now, once & for all_ -- BUT -- you will not forgive his lying beyond this one final last real chance is the key to any hope of moving forward for you. 

But you first have to mean it. You need to decide up front what you want, given what you have right now... and what you will 'accept' to move forward, and what you will not. That might mean if he passes the poly, you agree to let it be as such and move forward.

Or, if he were to pass the poly and you won't believe him anyway, don't waste either of your time. Tell him such, and move on to work out an amicable split. 

Either way, you have a long road ahead because this IS about him lying more than anything else for you, it seems...

I share the belief that this was more than what he's told you, more often, and more recent.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thorburn, they run around $500 here, too. I have found a good one I think and will contact him regarding the drugs my husband is on and how that plays into the results. I do think any WS who is confronted with a poly is gonna research how to try to beat the test if they are indeed still lying. My husband seems confident and willing, but again he seemed that way before, too. 

2x, I took your advice and laid it all out to him. I gave him the weekend to think about it. He sent me a text about an hour ago stating he has never had intercourse with anyone since we got married and it was only the one BJ. I told him he needs to come clean now or if I discover more later there will be no more room for discussion, just divorce. I agree, the lying is what has and is possibly still killing this marriage. 

I saw counselor today. Not much help. Basically I can either live knowing I probably won't get answers or I can divorce him. Both those options totally suck, uh? Has anyone successfully reconciled with the acceptance their WS still kept things from them?!? How do you even come to that place? I think the BJ during the ONS was probably intercourse, but what I fear most is his EA was actually a PA and that is really what I'm after! 

I also posted on a medical forum about my HPV situation. The replies were what I feared. I went ahead and paid to join and am waiting to get an answer back from the forum doctor. I will share what I get back.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Curious what you guys think about me sending EA coworker a message? They haven't talked in three years for the most part. She not very friendly, but I'm wondering if I could get any info there if she'd be willing. Might cause some gossip at work, I don't know???

There is also another questionable girl that might have been my HPV source. She no longer works with him. Thinking about sending her a message, too. :scratchhead:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Glad you laid it all out to him, but don't know why he'd need 'the weekend to think about it'...



hurtingbadly said:


> Curious what you guys think about me sending EA coworker a message? They haven't talked in three years for the most part. She not very friendly, but I'm wondering if I could get any info there if she'd be willing. Might cause some gossip at work, I don't know???
> 
> There is also another questionable girl that might have been my HPV source. She no longer works with him. Thinking about sending her a message, too. :scratchhead:


Regarding messaging the EA coworker... it depends on what you expect to get from her. The truth? Doubtful. A snide retort, or even a denial? More likely. Ignored? Highly probable. 'Revenge' gossip being spread, or even worse (including lies)... possible.

Ask yourself, first, how you will _feel_ under all scenarios. 

Also recognize that your contact _could_ re-open a door to her fishing & reaching out to hubby... since it's apparent that you two are 'having issues' now, depending on her and her current situation, she might very well embark on her own initiative. Just a thought.

I keep wondering why your gut is telling you there's "more" (which I believe we just listen to!) There's yet *another* potential OW? My goodness... same questions above apply, I think. 

And he knows damn good & well 'why' the EA woman is no longer speaking to him. Who ha that intense a relationship and doesn't even understand why a parting of ways occurs? Only someone with something to hide.

If I were going to reach out to anyone first, it would be this roomate coworker guy. maybe try to get him to validate the story? (what woman - other than a hooker - does this type of thing?)...did HE contract HPV? Did he have it, and essentially HE passed it to hubby via her? blechhh! 

I still contend you don't have the full story.

fwiw, poly or no poly, I'd keep tabs, VAR, and be sure you have the transprency to his stuff. Also a lesson I learned after - the fact (I got trickle truth too) is _write stuff down_, for him to read the questoins you still have outstanding in your mind, and if necessary for clarity and even making him provide answers in writing... responses get lost over time ("I never said that", or "you didn't understand what I was saying").


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> Saffron, how do you deal with the years since the affair? Do you feel like it was all a lie? It seems many discover the affairs in the now, fewer discover past ones from long ago. Our MC (who we no longer see), got on to me saying I need to remember the good times as what they were. That's very hard to do. It just all seems so tainted now.



Mixed feelings on the affair from 10 years ago and our years together since. I don't feel like our life together was all a lie, because he did end the first affair and switched jobs on his own. So it's not like he was proud or happy with his bad decision to cheat. He felt guilt and vowed to himself to never betray me again. Well, that's what happens when someone isn't accountable to another person. He never figured out why he cheated, so his personal issues remained. That is the number one reason it's crucial to get the whole truth, because you need to figure out why the cheating happened in the first place. Why were boundaries crossed and does the DS know how to keep boundaries in the future.

The first few weeks after d-day were utter hell, I felt like I was married to a stranger. Everything I believed about my husband's integrity and character was completely shattered. When I finally felt like I was getting the whole truth, that's when I started to move forward. However, it felt like 4 steps forward then 3 back a lot of days. Even now a year later I sometimes gets pings of, "What if there's more?" but my gut says I have the truth. Timeline and details are such that I feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle, nothing is missing. If you feel like there's missing pieces of the puzzle, then ask your H to help you put it together. Until you have the whole picture, you're going to keep focusing on all the little pieces.

I look at our last ten years together with a touch of bittersweet. I no longer see the man I used to see in all those pics, but I see the man he was trying and wanted to be. It's how he got so good at compartmentalizing. Whenever the guilt would pop up in his head or I'd make a comment about how great it was we haven't kissed anyone else in X number of years, he'd have to pretend to be someone he wasn't. That type of stuff plays minds games on a person. It's also what lead him fast down the slippery slope of a second affair, "I'm already a $#!tty husband, so why not do it again?" It became a great way to justify having the second affair. If he hadn't gotten busted, we both agree it would've probably happened again somewhere down the road. He had poor boundaries and low self-esteem, not a good combination.

People who have never had to deal with infidelity might not understand why a BS will try to R. I see it like this . . . I'm married and have children with this man that has finally learned a HUGE life lesson about himself and who he wants to be. I could leave him, but he'd still work on becoming a better man. If he succeeds, I want to be the one to enjoy the benefits of his personal growth. I learned similar lessons (on a much smaller scale mind you) in college, so I know people can learn from their past stupidity. However if at some point during R, I feel like my H is not growing and learning from his past, then I would be unable to continue moving forward. There has to be a true willingness from the DS to reflect upon the past. To dig deep and find out why they were capable of betraying the one person they gave a lifetime commitment to.

I hope your H is understanding the importance of clearing his conscience. The full truth might hurt like a burning poker through the heart, but only the truth can bring you closer together.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Just fyi ....

Important facts about HPV:
•
HPV infection spreads from one person to another through sexual contact involving the anus, mouth, or vagina. 

If you want more info, check out this site:
Genital warts - PubMed Health


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## LoveIsWork (Jan 29, 2012)

I agree with everyone. its half truths. he is only telling you enough to make you think he is being honest. my husband used to do this all the time. he would tell me something bad that wasnt as bad as the truth but was bad enough that i thought, "if hes telling me something like this it must be true". you know whats he has done. take it from me, gut instincts arent wrong.

I would get divorce papers and sign them. tell him you're going through with the polygraph and that if anything comes up on it that he didnt/doesnt tell you beforehand you will get the divorce.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You have to have intercourse to contract HPV. My ex husband also gave me HPV due to sleeping around with several women unprotected. I had to have a keep done and it was at stage 4. Luckily we caught it in time and they got the bad cells out. I've been clear for many years now. That nasty piece of work also gave me crabs. This was before we were married and I was pregnant with his child. I guess I should of looked at the red flags before marrying him. Anyways, I left a year later. He can't help, but sleep around. Plus he's very abusive and has no respect for any woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hurtingbadly , 

I'm sorry you're here too ... it's a long road ... 

~sammy


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Hello,

I can't really speak to the rest of your post but I can say that there are several things which can cause an abnormal pap besides HPV, including nutritional deficiencies such as folic acid, which mimic the cellular conditions present when an abnormal pap is actually caused by HPV. On the other hand, he could have had sex around that time and passed HPV to you that way. Its difficult to say with %100 certainty going by just an abnormal pap. With something like herpes, you would know for for sure. That's probably why a polygraph is a good idea.....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow,

I am, at the risk of being castigated, going to tell you to stop with the polygraph stuff and get your sh1t together. It has been years since your husband contacted the OW and you want to get in contact with her???? If you are still in such a state over the infidelity of your husband and the trickle truth, I think you need to woman up and move on. If not, you need to forgive and move forward.

I know your pain. You can read my story if you want to feel a little better about your own. 

Also. You or he could have been infected with HPV at anytime. This virus can recurr and sampling of your cervical cells during your pap smear could miss it. Don't hang your hat on the HPV thing.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

A few truths are needed here....

1. You are as likely to get HPV from a BJ as you are to hit the lottery without playing.

2. HPV does not go away, EVER. Once you have it, you have it for life. Get regular pap smears (never miss one) and check yourself internally for lesions.

3. HPV can go undetected for years so if you ever had sex outside of marriage it could have possibly been contracted then and not discovered until years later.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Wow,
> 
> I am, at the risk of being castigated, going to tell you to stop with the polygraph stuff and get your sh1t together. It has been years since your husband contacted the OW and you want to get in contact with her???? If you are still in such a state over the infidelity of your husband and the trickle truth, I think you need to woman up and move on. If not, you need to forgive and move forward.
> 
> ...


I can't figure out how to find your story? 

I'm not sure I understand your post. I'm five months out from my second D-Day. I had been lied to for years before the first fake D-Day - nine to be exact. That's a pretty big pill to swallow cause now I question everything since in our marriage. Sure, he has ZERO contact with ONS girl and no longer talks to EA girl. But, that doesn't mean the ONS doesn't seem new to me. Might have happened nine years ago for him... The HPV DOES NOT ADD UP and I don't think it's wrong of me to want to know the truth about where his &[email protected]! has been in our marriage??? Especially if the EA was a PA, I have a right to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Sorry for your situation. Wonder how was your sex life during the initial 2 years? how often do you have it and was there any change?


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

Falene said:


> A few truths are needed here....
> 
> 1. You are as likely to get HPV from a BJ as you are to hit the lottery without playing.
> 
> ...


This is all true as I've dealt with the nasty ish. 4 assorted surgeries later and I still cant get a straight answer from a friggen doctor.

truth is he MAY be telling the truth. According to my gyno, when I dealt with similar OMG WHERE DID THIS COME FROM AAACK!?!?! I could have gotten it in bootcamp, from a toilet seat, from sex WITH condoms before I got married, I could have gotten it at birth and it been dormant.
Something crazy like 80 percent of people get this. and he said there was an old lady patient that he had that had normal paps for 20 years at his office and it popped up (he's old). 

If you have this watch it and make sure it doesnt progress to anything bad and be kind to the ones you love because during these procedures I needed support from my husband and family very badly. 

As far as the polygraph, he's probably willing to take it to show you that he is clean if he isnt lying, and with your paranoid feelings maybe you should see a MC by yourself and talk to them about your issues with this. I know it sucks, but he probably feels like he's being unfairly attacked for something that was forgiven.


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