# had an affair...



## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

Around five years ago I had a one time only affair with my wifes best friend. Their relationship has since dissolved due to this but my wife doesn't know why. both families have kids and were very close.

since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job. should I tell her?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Yup. It's going to f*cking gut her. But she has a right to know.

Your guilt will never go away, but at least you'll have the piece of mind that you came clean. The guilt as it is now will probably kill you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you've spent five years, depressed, suicidal, obviously not the best husband or father you can be, and your wife has no idea why?

What a selfish thing to do. Your poor wife. She has been living a lie for 5 years. On what planet is that fair to her??? And your kids. You robbed them of their father.

Tell her, then move out and let her divorce you. Then get back into counseling and fix yourself.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Your only as sick as your secrets I would get honest with your spouse and let the chips fall where they may thats my opinion


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sure if you have read most of the posts are by betrayed spouses (BS). So it does take some gutst to post here. So far you have been deressed and suciadel not a good Dad or Husband and you have killed your wifes friendship and she wonders why.

Affairs are for selfish reasons your wants. You need to man up on this and come clean. She may walk or she may want to work on things that is the ganble. But it is a gamble you need to take. You need to come clean. 

You need to get it done and then be prepared for the fallout from your wife. You need to understand she has a right to be angry and hurt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her. It's better than the alternatives. It gives her the power to influence the outcome, where as all your current actions have left her with someone who isn't being the husband she deserves, yet she has had no way to fix things.

Suicide btw is the cowards path here and it won't help your wife's pain or suffering at all. Only her having the truth will do that,


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I vote with the others to tell her but you need to understand something going in.

At this point your affair will not be the thing that hurts her the most.

What will hurt her the most will be that you have lied to her, deceived her and concealed it for 5 years. That you have had so little regard for her that you let her think some of your problems were her fault. That you did not love her enough to give her the truth or believe that she loved you enough to over come your infidelity if you'd only been honest about it. 

The lies are the bigger problem you have now. The infidelity is bad, the lies are a killer. You still need to tell her, just understand what the problems are. Oh - and if you can't give her the FULL truth the first time - keep your mouth shut. Don't you dare have lied to her this long and start giving her trickle truth now. Either let it all out or keep it all in.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Everyone so far says the same thing so I'll just comment on another point.

What I don't understand is why you feel guilt to this degree. 

Let me explain, usually people who will cheat, let me correct that people who would have sex with their wife's best friend usually are missing the thing that gives a normal person guilt. A good person would feel tremendous guilt but then again a good person wouldnt screw his wife's best friend...ever. 

So...what's up? Why all this guilt? It makes no sense to me. What circumstance made you do this? I just don't believe you feel all this over a ONS with your wife's friend. You have it in you to do it but not live with it. That's odd to me. Most people who have it in them to do it also have it in them to live with it.

Sorry, the senseless things I see destroy lives on this forum make me really sad.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Whatever counseling you have received is not helpful because you may not have told the counselor the truth or they may have told you to keep it a secret? You know the ramifications of telling the truth to your wife, especially 5 years after the fact. She's going to go through it but you will find your healing in being there for her if she lets you or when she is ready. So, my best advice is to tell her. Get a good therapist for both of you and deal with it. 

You are a good man. Why? You have a conscience and that's a hell of a lot more than any woman could ask for. If you didn't have a conscience, well that's a whole other story. Many WSs don't feel guilty and some that do, it's temporarily so because they got caught. The WSs who have a conscience are genuinely remorseful and volunteer the truth to their spouses even before getting caught and never cheat or lie again. Just my opinion.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would be interested to know what these counselors said when you told them about what you did.


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I would be interested to know what these counselors said when you told them about what you did.


All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

A good counselor is supposed to guide you to do what YOU think is best, weigh out the consequences and results and support you through it. A good counselor is not one who makes decisions for you or tell you what to do but will redirect you to making your own decisions. Did you tell any of them that you wanted to tell her?


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## Lawyer101 (Jan 17, 2013)

My $0.02: If you tell her, you'll AGAIN be doing the selfish thing. In other words, don't think you'll be doing her any favor by letting her know. You only want to tell her because YOU want peace of mind. That, to me, is again very selfish of you.

You can't undo the past, but you do control the future. Just promise yourself that you will never cheat on your wife EVER again. Get out of your emotional state of mind and try to be a good husband. Buy your wife a gift before you go home tonight. Take her out to dinner. Hold her really tight tonight and thank God that you still have a wife. 

You telling her about your affair may make you feel better, but it will destroy your wife!


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

jayf said:


> All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


High risk because if your wife finds out from someone else or the other person whose relationship has now broken down, that is a 1000 times worse than learning about the affair directly from yourself. 

It is okay for now but for how long?'


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

Lawyer101 said:


> My $0.02: If you tell her, you'll AGAIN be doing the selfish thing. In other words, don't think you'll be doing her any favor by letting her know. You only want to tell her because YOU want peace of mind. That, to me, is again very selfish of you.
> 
> You can't undo the past, but you do control the future. Just promise yourself that you will never cheat on your wife EVER again. Get out of your emotional state of mind and try to be a good husband. Buy your wife a gift before you go home tonight. Take her out to dinner. Hold her really tight tonight and thank God that you still have a wife.
> 
> You telling her about your affair may make you feel better, but it will destroy your wife!


Those have been my thoughts all along, I just can't seem to let go of it. I've posted on three messages today and ur the first to say this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> A good counselor is supposed to guide you to do what YOU think is best, weigh out the consequences and results and support you through it. A good counselor is not one who makes decisions for you or tell you what to do but will redirect you to making your own decisions. Did you tell any of them that you wanted to tell her?


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I vote with the others to tell her but you need to understand something going in.
> 
> At this point your affair will not be the thing that hurts her the most.
> 
> ...


This. Quoted for truth. 

Give her ALL of it. She may just be stronger than you think. And if she wants to R- boy you've got your work cut out for you and Ihope your man enough. If she wants a D- give it to her as simply and painlessly as you possibly can. Its the least you can do either way.

Good luck.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Lawyer101 said:


> My $0.02: If you tell her, you'll AGAIN be doing the selfish thing. In other words, don't think you'll be doing her any favor by letting her know. You only want to tell her because YOU want peace of mind. That, to me, is again very selfish of you.
> 
> You can't undo the past, but you do control the future. Just promise yourself that you will never cheat on your wife EVER again. Get out of your emotional state of mind and try to be a good husband. Buy your wife a gift before you go home tonight. Take her out to dinner. Hold her really tight tonight and thank God that you still have a wife.
> 
> You telling her about your affair may make you feel better, but it will destroy your wife!


You're advising to continue to keep his wife in the dark about his betrayal? Do you really believe she doesn't has a right to know that real state of her marriage? Do you really believe she has no right to know the truth so as to make a decision on *her life* based on that truth?? He is forcing her to live a lie, and she doesn't even know it. That's even more cruel than the betrayal and subsequent cover up.

No one has the right to make that kind of decision for someone else.

Yep, she'll be crushed, but she deserves to know...period. I also know that if jay doesn't do this, it will eventually destroy him. Just go back and read his first post. He's 3/4 of the way there now.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

jayf said:


> All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


UFB! Get your money back. You got screwed.

You said you never told them you wanted to tell her- did you tell them you didnt?


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## Lawyer101 (Jan 17, 2013)

3putt said:


> You're advising to continue to keep his wife in the dark about his betrayal? Do you really believe she doesn't has a right to know that real state of her marriage? Do you really believe she has no right to know the truth so as to make a decision in *her life* based on that truth?? He is forcing her to live a lie, and she doesn't even know it. That's even more cruel than the betrayal and subsequent cover up.
> 
> No one has the right to make that kind of decision for someone else.
> 
> Yep, she'll be crushed, but she deserves to know...period. I also know that if jay doesn't do this, it will eventually destroy him. Just go back and read his first post. He's 3/4 of the way there now.


I would agree with you if this were an on-going affair, or if the affair resulted in the OW becoming pregnant, or if the affair resulted in the OP catching some STD. But, I'm assuming that none of those are present in this case. 

We all make mistakes and judging from the OP's ongoing feelings of guilt, it appears that what happened five years ago was a one-time lapse in judgment. Provided that the OP is sincere and truly committed to providing a happy life to his wife and NEVER cheat again, you are absolutely correct, my advice for the OP is to not disclose his 5-year-old mistake to his wife.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your wife deserves to know her husband. She does not know you. Not at all. In her mind she is married to someone else. Not to the man who betrayed her with her friend. 

Is she of sound mind? Is she so fragile that knowledge of reality, what you're capable of doing, what her friend was capable of doing, is going to send her into delirium? 

Or might she finally breathe a sigh of relief, knowing it wasn't anything she or the kids were doing that made you a different man for the last five years. 

It's kind of like saying - she has cancer but she doesn't know, and although it may kill her little by little, it's best she doesn't know. 

Your marriage has a good chance of failing - whether you tell her or not. And you that that fact very well. 

And, before you tell your wife, contact your affair partner and tell her she should confess to her husband before you tell him. Tell her that as soon as you confess, you are calling her husband to apologize. You broke it, you fix it. Same for your affair partner. 

Live with integrity from now on. Start today by facing the music.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oops.

Never mind about you.

Make a counseling appt for you and your wife, but it's really for your wife. So when you get there you can tell her about the affair and why her friend kind of dumped her (it's not about her after all!) Then you can leave so that the counselor who is after all paid, can deal with the fallout from your mess. (It's clearly beyond you, so don't even try!)

After the counseling session's over, take your wife to the pharmacy (if needed, hopefully you'll make sure you find a practitioner who can prescribe sedatives) and from there on to the attorney you'll have already met with to make sure she understands that whatever else you've done to her, you're not going to scr*w her over financially or logistically.

After that, ask her what she wants you to do. You may have to go to the hotel using the reservation you made, on your own, or cancel the the dinner reservations and the sitter you lined up....or maybe not. In any case, you'll have a place to eat and sleep and your wife will have help with the kids. 

How you handle your own sh*t is up to you. But you have to put your wife first, it's her turn now to be first priority.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Lawyer101 said:


> I would agree with you if this were an on-going affair, or if the affair resulted in the OW becoming pregnant, or if the affair resulted in the OP catching some STD. But, I'm assuming that none of those are present in the present situation.
> 
> We all make mistakes and judging from the OP's ongoing feelings of guilt, it appears that what happened five years ago was a one-time lapse in judgment. Provided that the OP is sincere and truly committed to providing a happy life to his wife and NEVER cheat again, you are absolutely correct, *my advice for the OP is to not disclose his 5-year-old mistake to his wife.*


Well, that's just horrible advice.



Lawyer101 said:


> Provided that the OP is *sincere* and truly *committed* to providing a happy life to his wife and NEVER cheat again, you are absolutely correct


Just how the hell does one show sincerity and commitment while harboring such deceit? That may be how it works in a courtroom, but real life and marriage have no place for it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Oops.
> 
> Never mind about you.
> 
> ...


Wow. Ive read it all now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You know, opinion on to tell or not to tell falls pretty much 50/50. This is across all sorts of counsellors and psychs.

Saying this...




You had sex with your wife's best friend.
Her husband found out and divorced her

This is a double betrayal for your wife.. oh god..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been living with the problems that are caused by not telling. Having a huge secret from your wife destroys your relationship. 

Telling her might distroy your relationship as well. Or she might decided to reconcile.

What does your wife think about the state of your marriage right now? Do the two of you talk about it?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ing said:


> You know, opinion on to tell or not to tell falls pretty much 50/50. This is across all sorts of counsellors and psychs.
> 
> Saying this...
> 
> ...


Are we reading the same thread? Looks more like 97% tell to me.

The whole irony of this is I know not telling her will destroy him a lot more in the long term than telling her will destroy her in the shorter term.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jayf said:


> All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.


I'm not as certain on this as so many other posters here are, but in your case the secret seems to be killing you, and indirectly that will harm the people close to you.

If that is the only reason you are going to counseling then then obviously keeping it a secret is the wrong path. 

I do know of people that made a one-time mistake and were able to conceal it without going crazy like this. That's why I am not so sure on this advice, but emphasize "not so sure" meaning I lean towards telling as a standard, but thinking there can be exceptions to that as a rule depending on circumstances. 

But not yours!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Wow. Ive read it all now.


Well, OP has waited 5 years. He can wait a bit longer.
This seems like what a good husband and partner and friend would do for his mate and the mother of his children.

If he wants to take care of his own issues, he has to take care of the obligations he signed up for first. Then he can have some freedom to deal with the new lay of the land, the land of Truth.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It bothers me that she is probably feeling pretty bad about the loss of her friend, without knowing why.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, OP has waited 5 years. He can wait a bit longer.
> This seems like what a good husband and partner and friend would do for his mate and the mother of his children.
> 
> If he wants to take care of his own issues, he has to take care of the obligations he signed up for first. Then he can have some freedom to deal with the new lay of the land, the land of Truth.


So you think he should take his wife to a counselor- sit her down and drop this bomb on her in front of the counselor? Did I read that right?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So three threrapist are aware his client is hugely depressed, almost suicidal, can loss his job and advice him to shut the f0ck up becuse it's selfish?
I will never understand the IC-MC-Church counselors stories I hear. It scapes me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jayf said:


> All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask them why. Ask them what they can do to stop you feeling so suicidal?

The last Wayward Spouse who confessed to a ONS is on the point of getting divorced by her husband.

However, she had a ONS with a stranger. Not with her spouse's best friend.

Your betrayal is hurting you so bad because it was so bad.

Do you tell her or not? Only you know the answer. But can you go on being a partial husband for her?

Besides which... how do you know she doesn't know?:scratchhead:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Needs to tell his BW the truth.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The last Wayward Spouse who confessed to a ONS is on the point of getting divorced by her husband.


Incorrect Matt, read this last one which by the way fits his situation way more:
Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room
OP just updated, they are doing well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Incorrect Matt, read this last one which by the way fits his situation way more:
> Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room
> OP just updated, they are doing well.


Sorry, I was thinking of Tears. That's not over yet, but looking pretty bleak at the moment.

But thanks for that link. I'll take a look tomorrow, way past my bedtime, now!


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It bothers me that she is probably feeling pretty bad about the loss of her friend, without knowing why.


That's a lot of what I struggle with...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Besides which... how do you know she doesn't know?:scratchhead:


That thought crossed my mind as well. I think it's unlikely though, given the amount of time that has passed, that she actually _knows_ what happened. No one could keep it to themselves for 5 years just waiting for a full confession. Well, at least I don't think so. 

However, suddenly losing a best friend with no plausible explanation as to why is bound to spark suspicions and speculation.

Women are pretty damned intuitive. I'm quite certain this pressure building in Jay hasn't gone unnoticed either. She may be starting to put the pieces together as we speak. The betrayers way too often discount their victims abilities to put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than other times.


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

Acabado said:


> So three threrapist are aware his client is hugely depressed, almost suicidal, can loss his job and advice him to shut the f0ck up becuse it's selfish?
> I will never understand the IC-MC-Church counselors stories I hear. It scapes me.


yup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayf (Jan 17, 2013)

dogman said:


> Everyone so far says the same thing so I'll just comment on another point.
> 
> What I don't understand is why you feel guilt to this degree.
> 
> ...


because this is truly a one-off, huge mistake. other than this, my wife and i have the model marriage...the one everyone wishes they had.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jay, 

Maybe you subconciously want to tell her. It's eating at you but the counselors keep telling you not to do it.

So why did you have the affair with the other woman? What was/is wrong with your wife and marriage that you did that?


.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> That thought crossed my mind as well. I think it's unlikely though, given the amount of time that has passed, that she actually _knows_ what happened. *No one could keep it to themselves for 5 years* just waiting for a full confession. Well, at least I don't think so.
> 
> However, suddenly losing a best friend with no plausible explanation as to why is bound to spark suspicions and speculation.
> 
> Women are pretty damned intuitive. I'm quite certain this pressure building in Jay hasn't gone unnoticed either. She may be starting to put the pieces together as we speak. The betrayers way too often discount their victims abilities to put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than other times.


Really? But he has...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jayf said:


> because this is truly a one-off, huge mistake. other than this, my wife and i have the model marriage...the one everyone wishes they had.


This is the lie you project to the world. It is NOT the truth. It hasn't been the truth for the last 5 years.

Have you been tested for STD's?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jayf said:


> because this is truly a one-off, huge mistake. *other than this, my wife and i have the model marriage*...the one everyone wishes they had.


Do you not see the irony in everything you write. It's not the model marriage because it's based on lies and deceit. It's a marriage of smoke and mirrors. Oh, if it's such "model marriage", then why are you an infidelity message board?

What part of this are you not getting?

You can still have a model marriage, and actually even make it better than she _thought_ it was before. Truth has a way of accomplishing that.

Continued lies?? Meh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jayf said:


> That's a lot of what I struggle with...


Why does she think her friend is no longer a friend?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

3putt said:


> Are we reading the same thread? Looks more like 97% tell to me.
> 
> The whole irony of this is I know not telling her will destroy him a lot more in the long term than telling her will destroy her in the shorter term.


Sorry for the confusion. I meant that among the counselors it is about a 50/50 split if you should or should not tell of an affair. 

I don;t think it is always an "absolute" to tell. 

In this case my mind reels with the consequences for OP's wife. She will not only lose her husband but her best friend as well.

I am thinking harm minimization rather than "right"


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jayf said:


> because this is truly a one-off, huge mistake. other than this, my wife and i have the model marriage...the one everyone wishes they had.


Other than the DNA, I'm the Queen of England.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

jayf said:


> Those have been my thoughts all along, I just can't seem to let go of it. I've posted on three messages today and ur the first to say this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. To tell her now would not improve anything. It would make her less happy and endanger the marriage. Why should you get to offload your guilt? 

You are going to have to find a way to deal with this. You do need to get it into perspective. You had an affair. It happens. You didn't kill anyone. Of course it is bad, but let's be realistic about how bad a thing it is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> let's be realistic about how bad a thing it is.


Yes, lets


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Jay's wife is fervently working to fix the wrong problems. Jay's wife is treating a flu when the truth is: their marriage has a cancer. 

Jay knows it's cancer; Jay knows the source of the cancer; Jay watched the cancer eat away one of his wife's relationships and is standing by watching it slowly, inexorably eat away at the marriage.

The cancer may be treated into remission. The cancer may be excised. There is a definite positive prognosis for both parties, but it will be impossible to eliminate the cancer by treating it like the flu.

The lies are destroying your marriage, Jay. Your wife knows something is off, but can't put her finger on it. Believe me Jay, when you confess to your wife, that confusing kaleidoscope of ever-changing curiosities, questions, and concerns that's plagued her view of her life for the last five years will suddenly come into stark focus. Then SHE will have the TRUTH about HER life, and will be able to treat the cancer which has been insidiously eroding her humanity.

I am a BH whose wife went to extraordinary measures to ensure I never uncovered her adultery. She never confessed. Life has a way of balancing itself and I found out, just as your wife will surely discover your adultery at some point.

The only currency my wife ever had to affect repairs after her adultery was the truth. She squandered that. The adultery was a 9.0 on the emotional Richter scale. The lies exceeded the scale's recording capacity.

It's been 7 months since the "final" D-Day. In our house, I have to open the refrigerator to generate warmth. The house feels as confining as a coffin, and I often catch a faint whiff of the death that seems to be creeping in under the door sills.

My wife is remorseful. I struggle to hold onto those memories of love and adoration I felt for her for so long. But often, I think of how she lied, deceived me, treated me as an inferior being, unable to handle the truth, unable to think, or make decisions for myself. I relive the emasculation, the dehumanization that comes from being treated so contemptibly. It's in those moments when the hatred, the righteous contempt for her rises like a bile, which becomes more and more difficult every day to swallow.

She told herself that she was protecting me. She thought that she was saving me from hurt. In truth, her reasonings were nothing more than the animalistic instincts of personal survival. She lied solely to preserve herself, to avoid the consequences of her sin, just as you're doing, Jay. In trying to "save me from hurt," she ultimately murdered a part of my soul, which can never be recovered.

Take what you will out of that, Jay.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One problem here is that while knowledge is power, it is also responsibility. If you tell your wife that you had an affair and she stays with you, then probably subconsciously you will think that if she does "nothing" about it, then that means she doesn't mind your affairs. thanik about that for a moment.

so you are forcing her to react to your revelation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Staying with someone who has cheated on you does not mean the BS is doing 'nothing'. Unless the whole thing is swept under the rug by both parties.

Jay, WHEN you tell her, we can help.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Eventually, it will come out and when it does not only will she be mad because of the affair, but also the lies and now the fact that others know and you have played her for a fool. Part the concealment is for your own protection and not just to save her feelings. Bad news never gets better with age, the time has come to save what little dignity is left of this relationship, put on your big boy pants and own up.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Lessen her by cheating on her.
Lessen her by lies of ommission.
Lessen her by putting her in marriage disneyland.

She will never be the maniquin you are trying to make her to be...an object devoid of human characteristics, life and cerebrals. You have tried that for 5 years...it's not working. It is vastly more selfish to sell her a delusion she doesn't even know she is buying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Staying with someone who has cheated on you does not mean the BS is doing 'nothing'. * Unless the whole thing is swept under the rug by both parties*.
> 
> Jay, WHEN you tell her, we can help.


I disagree that if it appears to the WS that the BS has swept an affair under the rug that the BS is not doing anything. It means that the BS has been able to forgive one affair and has handled a lot internally. That alone takes a lot to do.

If the WS is stupid enough to think that the BS has doen nothing and thus the WS can continue with being unfaithful the WS is just down right stupid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've read that 50% of affairs are never found out by the BS. Now hoping that your affair will remain in the 50% that are never found out is taking quite a chance.

Is your affair partner divorced? I think I read that she is. What was the reason for the divorce? Does her husband (or exhusband) know about the affair?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

jayf said:


> I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her


mmmmmmm. i think more you havent told her because you dont want to deal with the fallout.
she has a right to know, and then to decide how SHE wants to deal with it.
and to the advice "dont tell her and promise yourself you will never do it again..." im afraid i have to say what a crock and disagree.
promise yourself you will "never do it again", until you do it again. then you can promise yourself you wont do it again.
been there done that.
and i WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with justgrinding that telling yourself you are "protecting her" by not telling her, dude that is so untrue. you are protecting yourself.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Don't tell her. You made up for it for being honest for the last 5 years and having a model marriage. 

It's not worth the pain and problems you will cause in your marriage. People make mistakes, we are human. Sometimes some mistakes are best kept a secret especially one that isn't affecting his wife. 

Don't listen to everyone, your therapists are correct. Don't tell her. Stop with the guilt thing and get over it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that if it appears to the WS that the BS has swept an affair under the rug that the BS is not doing anything. It means that the BS has been able to forgive one affair and has handled a lot internally. That alone takes a lot to do.
> 
> If the WS is stupid enough to think that the BS has doen nothing and thus the WS can continue with being unfaithful the WS is just down right stupid.


This is a good question because IF he does know-youre on borrowed time Jay. If he beats you to the punch your odds of R'ing are probably not nearly as good. This has got to come from you.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Samus said:


> Sometimes some mistakes are best kept a secret especially one that isn't affecting his wife.
> 
> Don't listen to everyone, your therapists are correct. Don't tell her. Stop with the guilt thing and get over it.


its not "affecting his wife" because she doesnt know about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that if it appears to the WS that the BS has swept an affair under the rug that the BS is not doing anything. It means that the BS has been able to forgive one affair and has handled a lot internally. That alone takes a lot to do.


True, in some cases. In others, the BS just pretends nothing happened. In either case, the BS isn't doing anything to address the real problem.

Samus and others who think he shouldn't tell - do you really believe it isn't affecting his wife?? The guy said he's been suicidal. He's checked out emotionally. You don't think that affects his wife, and his kids?????


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

jayf said:


> All three have vehemently advised me not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And which one will you see after you kill yourself?????

Tell her. Be there for her.

You owe her the truth.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

jayf said:


> because this is truly a one-off, huge mistake. other than this, my wife and i have the model marriage...the one everyone wishes they had.


A model marriage?

You boinked her BFF. One time or not.
You are feeling suicidal.
You can barely get out of bed.
You are barely holding down a job.

Tell me what is so model about your marriage?

Better yet. Send your wife here so we can ask her if she thinks if your marriage is a model one.

Get out of bed. And tell her the truth.
Then make it up to her for the rest of your life....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> A model marriage?
> 
> You boinked her BFF. One time or not.
> You are feeling suicidal.
> ...


:iagree:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You remind me of Rev. Dimmesdale in 'The Scarlet Letter.'

Have you detailed here at all your ONS with your Ws bf? Why did you do what you did?

(For what it's worth, my position on the tell/not tell debate is that it is patronizing in the extreme to take it upon oneself to make life-altering decisions for other people. To keep them in the dark because you've decided it would hurt them too much is the definition of presumptuous and usually masks the real motivation, which is self-preservation.)


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

I understand you made a mistake. It happens. Things do happen. Your hurt and you are now for some reason reliving the guilt. I am not sure why you are all of a sudden getting a attack of guilt, but there is no reason to tell your wife.

She might stay with you even if you tell her, but whats the point? You listen to all these Betrayed Spouses here and they will tell you tell your wife.

I am telling you and agreeing with Training PHD professionals not to tell your wife unlike bitter BS's here telling you otherwise. 

Unless you feel the need to tell your wife because you think your going to kill yourself, then tell her, but what if you wife now decides to kill herself? 

Your just going to expand this issue into a bigger issue when its not necessary. You made a mistake, your not a criminal, you will get over this and make amends with God. Your wife doesn't need to be hurt because of your selfishness. 

Your the only one who can make the decision on what to do, don't listen to everyone's opinion including mine. Make your decisions, your a grown man. Read everything posted here but in the end, make your own decision and don't get swayed based on society and everyone elses opinion. 

Do what you think is best for your family's survival.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Samus and others who think he shouldn't tell - do you really believe it isn't affecting his wife?? The guy said he's been suicidal. He's checked out emotionally. You don't think that affects his wife, and his kids?????


Anyone??


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Anyone??


NO hope I don't think so. I think he is just having feeling of guilt. I am not going to over exaggerate the guy's feelings. He was fine for 5years and all of a sudden he is feeling bad for what he did. 

He has counselors and there going to help him. I don't think we need to pressure him to confess to his wife and expect that to take a load off. It will just build up more stress for himself and now added stress for his family. 

He kept it 5 years, might as well take it to the grave. It is not the end of the world, please don't make it out to be. If he was a continous cheater, then I see that as a problem, but for a one time mistake, I think you are putting to much pressure on this poor fellow and his family.

I know he said he is suicidal, but I think he is exaggerating a bit. If that was the case he would of offed himself, its been 5 years.

I personally believe there is more to this story then what is being told. YOu don't go 5 years and then all of a sudden have a rush of guilt and want to kill yourself. Something else must of happen, things like this is easily forgotten with 5 years of model marriage.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Samus said:


> I understand you made a mistake. It happens. Things do happen. Your hurt and you are now for some reason reliving the guilt. I am not sure why you are all of a sudden getting a attack of guilt, but there is no reason to tell your wife.
> 
> She might stay with you even if you tell her, but whats the point? You listen to all these Betrayed Spouses here and they will tell you tell your wife.
> 
> ...



Actually, im answering as a "bitter BS" AND a WS.
And lemme tell ya, all the guilt that built up in me, it was alleviated by telling my wife. 
Did it hurt her? Yes. Did he have a chance to know the REAL man he married, and make an informed choice to stay or not? Yes. 
My wife chose to stay. If she hadnt, well i guess that would have been my fault. The point is, SHE got to decide, not me. 
As a previous poster stated, making that decision for your spouse in order to "protect them" is, at the least, presumptuous and patronizing. 
IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

But i do agree that it will cause stress for the family. 
But a one time mistake may or may not be that. 
No pressure here, just stating the fact that it is unfair to his wife to think he was all in when he really isnt. 
I mean, that is a certainty. Its unfair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Actually, im answering as a "bitter BS" AND a WS.
> And lemme tell ya, all the guilt that built up in me, it was alleviated by telling my wife.
> Did it hurt her? Yes. Did he have a chance to know the REAL man he married, and make an informed choice to stay or not? Yes.
> My wife chose to stay. If she hadnt, well i guess that would have been my fault. The point is, SHE got to decide, not me.
> ...


Guilt is overrated.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

JustGrinding said:


> Jay's wife is fervently working to fix the wrong problems. Jay's wife is treating a flu when the truth is: their marriage has a cancer.
> 
> Jay knows it's cancer; Jay knows the source of the cancer; Jay watched the cancer eat away one of his wife's relationships and is standing by watching it slowly, inexorably eat away at the marriage.
> 
> ...



Well said....


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Jay how did the friendship dissolved? I know you cheated with the BFF, but how did her and your wife's relationship dissolve? What happened other then the cheating, because if your wife don't know about it, what would cause there friendship to dissolve? 

Are you sure your wife doesn't know?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Samus said:


> I understand you made a mistake. It happens. Things do happen. Your hurt and you are now for some reason reliving the guilt. I am not sure why you are all of a sudden getting a attack of guilt, but there is no reason to tell your wife.
> 
> She might stay with you even if you tell her, but whats the point? You listen to all these Betrayed Spouses here and they will tell you tell your wife.
> 
> ...


Very interesting thread and ethical dilemna! Good threads make us think.

I am in the camp of telling. I am a BH, so I am biased in that sense.

Wonder when the bff will crack and come clean? It probably is a timebomb that will eventually bring the OP's wife into the loop anyway.

God I despise the lies.

My exWW had an EA (at least) with my best friend. I told his wife and my ex the day I found the smoking gun. That was about 1 1/2 years ago.

Funny thing is we are all divorced today. Maybe for the better? It sure seems that way. 

Good luck!

In the end it will all work out for the best. Choose wisely.

I really do feel horrible for your situation.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Samus said:


> Guilt is overrated.


That may be so. But it is also obviously debilitating to the OP. 
To me, it wasnt nearly as bad. But i wasnt a very good person way back when, and didnt really have much of a conscience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

P.S. I am now happily re-married to a much better woman.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Samus said:


> Guilt is overrated.


I'm not sure what this means exactly. There are degrees of guilt and individual reactions that equate to different levels of guilt and different effects.

Some people who have done what OP did have no guilt whatsoever. Some have a bit that fades with time. Some have it eating away at them.

Guilt is a natural, biological impulse that helps to keep us socialized.

If OP is suicidal from it and therapy has been useless, then the empirical evidence is that it isn't overrated in his case. (And much of PTSD, which is a very serious condition, derives from unresolved guilt.)

I personally don't think he has any happy choices. Either he continues as he is & lives potentially indefinitely plagued by his guilt and remorse, or he comes clean and deals with the very serious fallout.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm not sure what this means exactly. There are degrees of guilt and individual reactions that equate to different levels of guilt and different effects.
> 
> Some people who have done what OP did have no guilt whatsoever. Some have a bit that fades with time. Some have it eating away at them.
> 
> ...


for 5 years he was living a MODEL marriage. There was no mention of guilt, but recently. This is why I say guilt is overrated. So is love. People play into those two emotions like they have no power over them and it is life and death. 

My kids are my life and death. My wife is my life also, but if she cheated, she is divorced. No forgiveness. 

Life is toooo short, just tooo short. To live like this or deal with this type of infidelity. Divorce and move on. Kids will continue to survive. You can beat the feelings. I have lived it. I know, my son lives with his mother. We broke up, I am remarried and 2 girls. I quickly got over my first wife, who I loved dearly too. It's just that, u let go or you stress your life out with guilt/love feelings. 

Again life is way to short folks. Just the other day my wife and I were talking about MJ's death. Can you guys believe 4 years have past? I mean 4 years is a lot of time, time flies. You have to stop dwelling on stuff and move on if it is not salvageable. 

This particular situation is salvageable. The man can get over the stupid emotion GUILT and forgive himself and continue his model marriage. What is with people and this buggered feelings.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm not sure what this means exactly. There are degrees of guilt and individual reactions that equate to different levels of guilt and different effects.
> 
> Some people who have done what OP did have no guilt whatsoever. Some have a bit that fades with time. Some have it eating away at them.
> 
> ...


One more post on a slow Friday at work. alte Dame is one off my favorite posters. Listen to her.

I hope the OP can do all of the soul searching using the thoughts of these enlightened souls at TAM. Whether you are a WS of BS, our experiences help us to become better people if we will learn from them. Sharing them is like donating blood.

OP, please don't think your situation is your demise. *You probably should squarely face your demons and beat them. We all have to do that eventually.* BS don't choose theirs, but they are similar for both sides of betrayal.

If you do and your marriage goes out the window, promise yourself that you will do better next time. We all have to try for that. Don't make life worse for EVERYONE by going into that suicidal crap. Heaven help you and your family.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Samus said:


> for 5 years he was living a MODEL marriage. There was no mention of guilt, but recently. This is why I say guilt is overrated. So is love. People play into those two emotions like they have no power over them and it is life and death.
> 
> My kids are my life and death. My wife is my life also, but if she cheated, she is divorced. No forgiveness.
> 
> ...


I, too, am in the 'life is too short' camp when it comes to many things, including infidelity, betrayal, and trust.

Reading here, my initial reaction to many situations is to just say, "File for divorce." But so many people simply don't have that mindset, so I often make a conscious decision not to project.

I will agree to disagree about the guilt question. I've seen it generate serious anxiety disorders in people, truly paralyzing anxiety. Not everyone reacts the same way. Not everyone makes a rational choice to just not feel guilty.

Two more points:

- The model marriage thing - my reading is that that is what it looks like to others, but not in OP's head.

- You have convinced me that I should add one more choice to OP's list of sad choices & that is to simply divorce without confessing.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Personally I think something else happened to resurface the feeling of guilt. I hope he can get past this.

Divorce is not what I would want him to end up doing, because I don't think that is what he wants. 

This is a tough situation, because the OP's emotions is messing with him. If he can somehow supress the guilt he can continue and be happy. 

I have no advice unfortunately on how to supress guilt or love, everyone is brought up differently and everyone looks at things different just like Alte said. 

I really wish you the best and hope you make the right decisions for your family. Perhaps you can answer some of the questions I Posted earlier on why your wife and friend's relationship deterioted even though your wife knows nothing of the affair. 

Also one thing to keep in mind is that the friend could eventually tell your wife, so be prepared for that. You can choose to not tell your wife if you think no one will say anything or tell her yourself if you are threatened by the BFF or her husband. I think and have a feeling this might be the case that somehow you are worried that they will tell your wife so now you are feeling guilty?

Is that perhaps the reason this is all resurfacing?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Samus said:


> for 5 years he was living a MODEL marriage. *There was no mention of guilt, but recently.* This is why I say guilt is overrated.


In his first post, he said:



jayf said:


> *since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide.* I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants.


How do you interpret this as _recently_? Pretty obvious, to me at least, this has been gnawing at him for the entire time. And it will continue and get worse until he relieves himself of this big-assed bag of bricks he has been carrying all this time.

The truth really does set you free.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

3putt said:


> In his first post, he said:
> 
> 
> How do you interpret this as _recently_? Pretty obvious, to me at least, this has been gnawing at him for the entire time. And it will continue and get worse until he relieves himself of this big-assed bag of bricks he has been carrying all this time.
> ...


Yes, offload this 'bag of bricks' and devastate his wife and endanger the well-being of his children over a ONS five years ago. The truth sets you free? Right, so tell ugly, stupid kids they are ugly and stupid? We (should) learn as children that we have to be selective with the truth for the sake of people's feelings. 

Will anything positive come out of telling her? Will he feel less guilty? No. Just pain and suffering for innocent people will come out of him confessing.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Yes, offload this 'bag of bricks' and devastate his wife and endanger the well-being of his children over a ONS five years ago. The truth sets you free? Right, so tell ugly, stupid kids they are ugly and stupid? We (should) learn as children that we have to be selective with the truth for the sake of people's feelings.
> 
> Will anything positive come out of telling her? Will he feel less guilty? No. Just pain and suffering for innocent people will come out of him confessing.


Good Lord, LOL!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

naga75 said:


> its not "affecting his wife" because she doesnt know about it.


The wife is not blind. He's seeing a counselor. He's been depressed for years to the point of suicidal. Can barely hold down a job, and can't even get out of bed. 

This is not only affecting his wife/kids - but they are being lied to about what the problem is and wasting effort trying to understand & deal with it.

One thing very clear about the "don't tell" vote on this one: all of them deny the wreckage before our very eyes. Don't show me a stinking cow pie and tell me it's chocolate ice cream. 


*samus* - 



> My kids are my life and death.


Yeah, so if you killed one of them through negligence and went to jail for it you'd be all peppy and cheerful, right? 

So much for "Guilt is over-rated."


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> The wife is not blind. He's seeing a counselor. He's been depressed for years to the point of suicidal. Can barely hold down a job, and can't even get out of bed.
> 
> This is not only affecting his wife/kids - but they are being lied to about what the problem is and wasting effort trying to understand & deal with it.
> 
> ...


Guilt is overrated when it comes to mushy lovey dovey people that can't live because they made a mistake. Same thing goes for lovey dovey people who can't stop loving a cheater. 

I don't understand how you can compare lovey dovey spousal love with parental love. 

All you betrayed spouses (BS) must love the drama and want to make this guy increase his drama so he can post back here with all the juicy details. Give it up. It is a waste of his time to tell his wife. If he wants to tell his wife he can and will. He can assess all of what everyone here has written and make a adult decision.

Sometimes I wonder if you BS ever really care about what the outcome is for a Wayward. I feel this is the wrong place for a wayward to come and ask for advice because all of you seem very biased about your decisions. The truth is that he doesn't have to devastate his wife and children with this news after 5 years.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I, too, am in the 'life is too short' camp when it comes to many things, including infidelity, betrayal, and trust.
> 
> Reading here, my initial reaction to many situations is to just say, "File for divorce." But so many people simply don't have that mindset, so I often make a conscious decision not to project.
> 
> ...


Yes...the "model marriage". When i confided in one of our close mutual friends about my wifes other life (so to speak), i almost had to physically close his mouth for him. He said, and i quote, "i aleays thought yall were like the perfect married couple".
So yes, it DOES appear that way to others. And i can almost guarantee that it STILL does, to those who do not know the truth of our situation. But in my head, and likely hers as well...not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The strength of the reaction seems to point to other things going on, other things that are associated with this whole event. Was OP in love with the bf? Or were there some serious repercussions that have been held secret? Or some related background? 

Often pathological guilt points to a feeling of responsibility for something that is subconscious and unresolved. For example, some people who experience PTSD after the death of a loved one eventually realize that they somehow believed they should have done something to save the person, even though it was patently impossible - their minds were punishing them irrationally.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

It appears samus is an expert cake eater. Problem is jayf has a conscience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

eventually it will eat you up.... the guilt that is..................my hubby took around 3 years to confess to me, it wasnt someone i knew though..

as hard as it has been he is not miserable, nasty, self obsessed and grumpy anymore...he was not a good dad or husband because he was so angry with himself 

i wont say it will be easy
i wont say your wife wont leave
but you have to tell the truth


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Yes, offload this 'bag of bricks' and devastate his wife and endanger the well-being of his children over a ONS five years ago. The truth sets you free? Right, so tell ugly, stupid kids they are ugly and stupid? We (should) learn as children that we have to be selective with the truth for the sake of people's feelings.
> 
> Will anything positive come out of telling her? Will he feel less guilty? No. Just pain and suffering for innocent people will come out of him confessing.


Telling a child they are ugly is not being about honest.

This WH has been going through all sorts of problems carrying this secret. It will only continue to effect his long term health and every aspect of his daily life.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

theroad said:


> Telling a child they are ugly is not being about honest.
> 
> This WH has been going through all sorts of problems carrying this secret. It will only continue to effect his long term health and every aspect of his daily life.


The point I was making is that the abstract concept of the 'Truth' should not always take precedent over human feelings and the well-being of a family. 

Would the OP's wife be better off knowing? I don't believe so. So the OP has a duty to suck this up and do what is best for his wife and kids. He may feel better if he offloads, or he may not, but she will definitely feel worse. 

If he was a serial cheat, was in love with another woman or had fallen out of love with his wife, then I would say he should tell her. He made a bad mistake, but it was a one-off. What would be gained by her being told?


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## CHEATEDON12 (Jan 21, 2013)

Being cheated on (in a marriage) I can tell you that "if" my spouse would have had the balls to come out and tell me... YES IT WOULD HAVE HURT LIKE HELL but after the anger and whatever, I would see him as a real man for telling me instead of me finding out the way I did. 

Make yourself as transparent as possible to assure her it was a one time thing. Give her access to your phone, email...if she wants but instead of letting it eat you up, just come out with it. Tell her how much you love her and how this had eaten you up for the past 5 years. Tell her you love her enough to know that this could cause divide but like someone else posted.. you've already been living (not not yourself) with this for 5 years.

I would have accepted my husbands faults a little better if he would have told me.. This would have showed that he was not being sneaky or scheming on me but that he wanted to put an end to all the foolishness. 

Good luck. Oh and dont tell anyone of your friends your going to do it.. it would suck for word to reach her before you do.

ps: I also agree with the previous post... what good would it do for her knowing. It wasn't like it was multiple woman like my husband. But it's just that chance of the best friend telling her one day. I guess the question is... do you want her to find out from you or someone else? If she finds you she will be hurt.. but the womb will eventually heal.. If she finds out from someone else,, she will be DEVASTATED and may not ever want to see you again!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

CHEATEDON12 said:


> Being cheated on (in a marriage) I can tell you that "if" my spouse would have had the balls to come out and tell me... YES IT WOULD HAVE HURT LIKE HELL but after the anger and whatever, I would see him as a real man for telling me instead of me finding out the way I did.
> 
> Make yourself as transparent as possible to assure her it was a one time thing. Give her access to your phone, email...if she wants but instead of letting it eat you up, just come out with it. Tell her how much you love her and how this had eaten you up for the past 5 years. Tell her you love her enough to know that this could cause divide but like someone else posted.. you've already been living (not not yourself) with this for 5 years.
> 
> ...


I think you mean "wound." LOL!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Samus said:


> Guilt is overrated when it comes to mushy lovey dovey people that can't live because they made a mistake. Same thing goes for lovey dovey people who can't stop loving a cheater.
> 
> I don't understand how you can compare lovey dovey spousal love with parental love.
> 
> ...


You're on to something here. Personally I don't care a lot about the wrongdoer if he doesn't have the ability to see and acknowledge his faults and wrongdoings. But I do feel for OP, because he feels the guilt. Guilt is the feeling that tells you that you have done something you know is wrong. The feeling tend to fade if you correct your error, make amends and figure out how to avoid the same error in the future.

On a sidenote, you made me look up what separates psychopaths from so called normal people - it's the ability to feel guilt.


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## CHEATEDON12 (Jan 21, 2013)

lol yes!


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Samus said:


> All you betrayed spouses (BS) must love the drama and want to make this guy increase his drama so he can post back here with all the juicy details.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if you BS ever really care about what the outcome is for a Wayward. I feel this is the wrong place for a wayward to come and ask for advice because all of you seem very biased about your decisions. The truth is that he doesn't have to devastate his wife and children with this news after 5 years.


"All us betrayed spouses" are appealing to Jay's humanity, expressing the expectations we have for those around us with whom we have to interact in society.

Every BS here has had their fill of drama, and your callous projection of our intent serves only to validate that which your advice painfully highlights: you are a selfish person. Your lack of conscience is a learned response designed to allow you to manipulate others. You are a person to be avoided, as your practice of situational honesty makes you a security risk in ANY relationship. Jay's conscientious dilemma is to decide whether to be like you, or whether to behave in a way society expects of him.

The outcome for a wayward is a simple matter of consequences. Not you, or Jay, or anyone else, has the right to try to avoid consequences by manipulating a truth that so profoundly impacts the lives of others. Jay's wife has the exclusive right to decide how to handle being married to an adulterer.

Jay rutted with his wife's best friend, and in an epiphane, decided he's the sole keeper of his wife's emotional security, which in the aftermath of the intimate, carnal knowledge of her best friend, is suddenly so dear to him. Wrong. Jay's withholding of the truth serves no other purpose than to protect his selfishness and bury his fundamental betrayal of everything his wife expected of him. The truth is, his wife is hurt by his ACTIONS. The truth is, his wife has been hurting for five years, she just doesn't know why. 

To categorize BS "decisions" as biased, while implying that withholding the truth is somehow a less-biased "decision," is quite foolish of you. It is readily apparent that the person who has a vested interest in continuing to hurt and betray those closest to him and does so for the sole purpose of self-preservation is acting under the most extreme bias of all.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Samus said:


> Guilt is overrated when it comes to mushy lovey dovey people that can't live because they made a mistake. Same thing goes for lovey dovey people who can't stop loving a cheater.
> 
> I don't understand how you can compare lovey dovey spousal love with parental love.
> 
> ...


Why do you assume we are all BS's???


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

The last time I checked I am free to give my opinion on this situation the way I see fit. And for all you folks attacking me because I suggested that he should refrain from disclosing this one night stand shows your extreme biased towards cheaters. 

I understand that you have been hurt by a cheater, but there is no reason for it to cloud your judgement. For you to bash me because I merely suggested for him to keep this to himself is rather classless.

I don't believe someone can be guilty for 5 years and enjoy the fruits of marriage and then all of a sudden, drop of a hat, post here and say I am suicidal. Something else happened. Maybe he cheated again. I have not seen the OP post again, perhaps he is going to just move forward and not say anything. 

Even if my suggestion is not the popular one, I feel offended that all of you are attacking me and call me cake eater blah blah, you don't even know me.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Samus said:


> The last time I checked I am free to give my opinion on this situation the way I see fit. And for all you folks attacking me because I suggested that he should refrain from disclosing this one night stand shows your extreme biased towards cheaters.
> 
> I understand that you have been hurt by a cheater, but there is no reason for it to cloud your judgement. For you to bash me because I merely suggested for him to keep this to himself is rather classless.
> 
> ...


If and when you get cheated on, it won't matter to you because you have tucked your heart in a place where it won't be broken. Not everyone is like that. It takes a great deal of fear to trick the mind and heart into staying in that place - one where you will never fully give yourself to someone else nor experience devastating hurt and forgiveness.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Samus said:


> Even if my suggestion is not the popular one, I feel offended that all of you are attacking me and call me cake eater blah blah, you don't even know me.


 :lol: Knew the "you don't know me" line was imminent!

Yes, but we know you are an untrustworthy person. Don't need to know anything else.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> If and when you get cheated on, it won't matter to you because you have tucked your heart in a place where it won't be broken. Not everyone is like that. It takes a great deal of fear to trick the mind and heart into staying in that place - one where you will never fully give yourself to someone else nor experience devastating hurt and forgiveness.


I have fully given myself to my wife and I have exposed my heart, so I would be devastated if she cheated, but I am not going to let it kill me or make me lose my way. I will move on and continue with life. 

Your negativity on someone's strength to handle a cheater really shocks me. Because some folks can't handle being cheated on and becomes suicidal or doormats, your going to fault me for being positive and have self pride by knocking me down saying that I fear to give my heart? 

Actually it doesn't take a great deal of anything, my heart would get broken, but guess what its how you deal with it after the fact that matters. I deal with it differently. It doesn't make me less qualified to post here and advise someone on what I would do in this situation. 

If this was a serial offense I would say tell the truth and let your wife know. But no, this is a selfish attitude, I feel guilty and I must hurt everyone and everything I have cherished because of my mistake. 

There are times when you must choose your battles, and frankly this is not one of them. It is not worth it. Please think with your mind and not your broken hearts.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Samus said:


> The last time I checked I am free to give my opinion on this situation the way I see fit. And for all you folks attacking me because I suggested that he should refrain from disclosing this one night stand shows your extreme biased towards cheaters.
> 
> I understand that you have been hurt by a cheater, but there is no reason for it to cloud your judgement. For you to bash me because I merely suggested for him to keep this to himself is rather classless.
> 
> ...


Of course you are free to give your opinion, but that doesn't mean that everyone else are obliged to think it's good and sound advice.

And you feel offended just because some posters doesn't like the idea of you advocating the dishonest choice? Can you think of any situations where it would be appropriate to feel guilt?

I still say that OP should find the courage to face the music, take the consequences of his poor decissions, even if he doesn't like it and is afraid of the outcome. It's not by telling he will ruin everything - he did that when he chose to cheat.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> :lol: Knew the "you don't know me" line was imminent!
> 
> Yes, but we know you are an untrustworthy person. Don't need to know anything else.


He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.

And your more trustworthy then me? No one here has ever lied to protect the ones you love? Really? 

So your a saint who have always told the truth? I highly doubt that. I know that you are an untrustworthy person (see I can also call you untrustworthy). STicks and stones my friend.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Of course you are free to give your opinion, but that doesn't mean that everyone else are obliged to think it's good and sound advice.
> 
> And you feel offended just because some posters doesn't like the idea of you advocating the dishonest choice? Can you think of any situations where it would be appropriate to feel guilt?
> 
> I still say that OP should find the courage to face the music, take the consequences of his poor decissions, even if he doesn't like it and is afraid of the outcome. It's not by telling he will ruin everything - he did that when he chose to cheat.


I think the OP should do what he think is right for his family. Not anyone of us think. He can review our advise and make the decision himself. All of us have elaborated on what we think right and wrong is, or how this would play out if he told or didn't tell. 

The bottom line it is up to the OP. 

In this situation yes, I would feel guilt, the instant I made the mistake. I would determine if it is in the family's best interest for me to say anything, or make a pact with myself that I will never do this horrible act again. Guilt goes away with time, not grow with time. That is utter nonsense!!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

CHEATEDON12 said:


> Being cheated on (in a marriage) I can tell you that "if" my spouse would have had the balls to come out and tell me... YES IT WOULD HAVE HURT LIKE HELL but after the anger and whatever, I would see him as a real man for telling me instead of me finding out the way I did.
> 
> Make yourself as transparent as possible to assure her it was a one time thing. Give her access to your phone, email...if she wants but instead of letting it eat you up, just come out with it. Tell her how much you love her and how this had eaten you up for the past 5 years. Tell her you love her enough to know that this could cause divide but like someone else posted.. you've already been living (not not yourself) with this for 5 years.
> 
> ...


It is always better for the BS to hear it from their WS then to find out later on by other means.

I guess those that advocate silence have never read the posts where the BS finding out 5, 10, 20+ years later the BS now feels as if the life they have just lived has been a total lie.

Then the WS says this is ancient history get over it, it happened 15 years ago.

Is that said because the WS is that ignorant or dilberately that unsympathetic to realize that this is not ancient history to their BS?

Life experience has shown that when a WS gets away with having an affair without consequences they are more likely to back slide and have another affair years later.

There is no good way to carry this burden of lying.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Samus said:


> He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.
> 
> And your more trustworthy then me? No one here has ever lied to protect the ones you love? Really?
> 
> So your a saint who have always told the truth? I highly doubt that. I know that you are an untrustworthy person (see I can also call you untrustworthy). STicks and stones my friend.


You're not my friend. I don't befriend people like you.

Yes. Definitely. From your input on this board, there's no doubt I'm more trustworthy than you. Not a saint, but not a liar, either. I don't withhold truths to trick and manipulate others or to protect them from me, as you advocate.

From "you don't know me," to "sticks and stones." Great debating techniques there, Shamus. I'm done with you now.

Back to Jay: he's bouncing around all over the internet trying to find a place that will give him the answers he wants to hear. I doubt he'll be back since the overwhelming advice he received here is to do the right thing and give his wife information about her life to which she's entitled. He just can't scrape up the cojones. 

Too bad, Jay. Your best chance for the least damage is disclosure. If (when?) your wife finds out the truth through another avenue, it will be the years of lies that she can't reconcile. Take that from the voice of experience, as opposed to the hypothetical musings of the morally-challenged. Bias be damned!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Samus said:


> Guilt goes away with time, not grow with time. That is utter nonsense!!


That's just it, Samus. It often doesn't go away with time. You say that the BS's here are projecting, but I think you are projecting as well.

If you do your homework - hell, if you spend some time reading great literature, literature that describes the human condition - you will not miss the corrosive power of guilt for many people in many cases.

I understand your point of view, but when someone is so tortured by self-recrimination after a bad act that he considers suicide, then it's a very serious problem that probably shouldn't be swept under the rug. OP has kept it under the rug for 5 years & his guilt hasn't abated.

No matter, though. It appears that OP has left the building. Perhaps this discussion is simply too much given his fragility. If he is reading, I want to urge him to find another therapist, perhaps one who handles anxiety disorders.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> That's just it, Samus. It often doesn't go away with time. You say that the BS's here are projecting, but I think you are projecting as well.
> 
> If you do your homework - hell, if you spend some time reading great literature, literature that describes the human condition - you will not miss the corrosive power of guilt for many people in many cases.
> 
> ...


I agree, but I have to mention that the OP did see three different therpaists and they all concluded for him not to tell his wife. In this particular situation there is more harm done if he told his wife as he only had a one night stand 5 years ago and has a model marriage even after the fact. 

It most situation if it was an EA, or PA numerous times then I would agree that it is correct to admit and endure your consequences.

He also thinks it is selfish of him to tell his wife and devastate her just for his own peace of mind. This entire situation is really avoided if he can work on his self esteem and his self pride and move on. This is different then a serial cheater.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Samus said:


> I agree, but I have to mention that the OP did see three different therpaists and they all concluded for him not to tell his wife. In this particular situation there is more harm done if he told his wife as he only had a one night stand 5 years ago and has a model marriage even after the fact.
> 
> It most situation if it was an EA, or PA numerous times then I would agree that it is correct to admit and endure your consequences.
> 
> He also thinks it is selfish of him to tell his wife and devastate her just for his own peace of mind. This entire situation is really avoided if he can work on his self esteem and his self pride and move on. This is different then a serial cheater.


Because you are the judge, jury and executioner of your wife's and children's lives? That's not love that's addiction to power and control. Congrats! You are your own god.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Samus said:


> I agree, but I have to mention that the OP did see three different therpaists and they all concluded for him not to tell his wife. In this particular situation there is more harm done if he told his wife as he only had a one night stand 5 years ago and has a model marriage even after the fact.
> 
> It most situation if it was an EA, or PA numerous times then I would agree that it is correct to admit and endure your consequences.
> 
> He also thinks it is selfish of him to tell his wife and devastate her just for his own peace of mind. This entire situation is really avoided if he can work on his self esteem and his self pride and move on. This is different then a serial cheater.


Yes, it is a tangled web. We can see that from reading his posts. I do, however, think you are seriously projecting. He didn't say he had a model marriage - he said that his marriage appears to be one, but he also said that he has been eaten up by debilitating guilt ever since his ONS.

The therapists he has been seeing have said what they all say in situations like this, which is to talk about it privately, to have a catharsis in session, but not hurt the spouse if it was only a one-time thing. They are trained to say this because it works with many people. 

The problem is that he hasn't had a catharsis of any kind. That therapeutic strategy has not worked for him. Instead, he's wracked with guilt to the point of suicide.

And consider, Samus, that it's not just the ONS that is affecting him. I think it's his entire self-image that is eating away at him. He no doubt considers himself a fraud & the husband he presents to his W nothing but a sustained lie.

I doubt we will get any more answers because OP hasn't been back, but I will say again that the actual details of the A might be illuminating. I continue to wonder if OP had real feelings for his AP.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

The OP seems long gone. 

Jay: Any updates?


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

Samus said:


> I think the OP should do what he think is right for his family. Not anyone of us think. He can review our advise and make the decision himself. All of us have elaborated on what we think right and wrong is, or how this would play out if he told or didn't tell.
> 
> The bottom line it is up to the OP.
> 
> In this situation yes, I would feel guilt, the instant I made the mistake. I would determine if it is in the family's best interest for me to say anything, or make a pact with myself that I will never do this horrible act again. Guilt goes away with time, not grow with time. That is utter nonsense!!


The guilt doesn't go away with time, but usually your able to more effectively compartmentalize it. He just cannot.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Samus said:


> He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.
> 
> And your more trustworthy then me? No one here has ever lied to protect the ones you love? Really?
> 
> So your a saint who have always told the truth? I highly doubt that. I know that you are an untrustworthy person (see I can also call you untrustworthy). STicks and stones my friend.


It's amazing how we can pick and choose scripture to suit ourselves. "Thou shall not lie", "Thou shall not commit adultery". Remember these? Actual commandments from the literal finger of God on a tablet - for which breaking any of them is called a transgression. All sins have a recipe for correction and continuing in one to cover the other, isn't one of them.

We all fall short of the glory of God and that's why he reqires us to speak the truth and speak it with love. We can't use scriptures to condone our sins, however use the scriptures for conviction of our sins and expose them. It is also written "SPEAK THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE". The word never gives excuses to hide sin especially with the one you are supposed to love, cherish and honor. We are easily able to commit sins but yet not easily able to accept the consequences of our bad decisions.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Samus said:


> There are times when you must choose your battles, and frankly this is not one of them. It is not worth it. Please think with your mind and not your broken hearts.


The problem is that battle was already lost. He's on IC number three, he barely can get out of bed, about to lose his job... BW can't possible be happy with the current situation no matter how hard he try to put the happy face... and now you come here telling him be a man and shut up?
Your solution to this didn't work. As a matter of fact. He can't man up, swallow this nad move on. He already tried and failed. It doesn't make him "less".

Ans you keep making assumptions. OP told the marraige was "model" for the last five years, you asume the mental breakdown happened recently. I believe is more rational to intepret he just managed to leave BW in the dark for five years about the infidelity, putting his increased depression symptoms on other things. Pretending all was "right" may mean there's no infidelity talks merely, that the marriage is not treatened that way, not that the marriage was actually in good shape for the last five years. As he's putting so much emphasis at infidelity I conclude he imply the marriage appear to be fine. It's more rational to think he was hurting since the very beggining and has been slowly deteriorating wich surely have an ongoing impact in the marriage.
As he was describing his mental state there's no way BW can be "fine".

Another thing is I don't agree with you that not been capable of "get over" it make him a weak human being. That's was you are implying her from the very beggining


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Don't like harping on this but for guilt to magically disappear, you have to murder your conscience. Samus, would you mind telling us how to do this?


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