# My husband is mad at me, please help!



## Newtothis

I just got married recently, and I'm still a very young and stupid. So I wasn't thinking when I bought a very expensive laptop without first talking to my husband about it. He's now very upset with me. I only spent my money, none of his, but what I failed to grasp was that since we're married, it's OUR money. He said that he sees now that he isn't an important figure in making major financial decisions, and that he doesn't want anything to do with those kinds of decisions now. I feel like such a moron for not understanding why he's so furious (even though he says he's over it now). Now I'm upset and confused. I thought that maybe if I returned it, he would feel better, but he told me not to because it'd just make him even more angry. Now I have no idea how I might fix this. I really need someone to talk to, to help me understand?


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## Alexandra

Yep, that was a bad move. Now you need to take steps to help him see it won't happen again. Make an accountability system. Have a time set aside daily, weekly, whatever where you go over any purchases that you have in mind.

Do you guys have a set budget? Does he know you will follow it? 

Returning it doesn't help so much because it's not about the laptop, it's about how he felt. Taking it back doesn't change how he feels. Only your actions from this point can do that. Apology and then things set in place to make sure it isn't likely to happen again.


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## Blanca

Newtothis said:


> He said that he sees now that he isn't an important figure in making major financial decisions, and that he doesn't want anything to do with those kinds of decisions now. I feel like such a moron for not understanding why he's so furious (even though he says he's over it now).


You're not a moron. You had a very simple miscommunication. Your H's reaction is extremely immature and controlling so dont take it to heart. You both have some learning to do and this is just part of it. 

He has placed a lot of meaning on your action. that doesnt mean you were supposed to know it meant that much to him, or that you can some how make it better for him. You'll have to learn to talk. And he'll have to learn that you are not a mind reader and that just because he thinks something is terribly important, doesnt mean you have to. 

if your H was mature he'd realize that you dont read his mind and he would have explained to you how he felt about what you did. and then you could have talked about how you felt about what you did and come to a compromise. that's effective, and loving communication. There is no rule that it has to be "our" money. that's your H's assumption. In my marriage it is not that way. It is my H's money. My H spends what he wants and doesnt need to tell me about it. i dont get all worked up about it. My H just said he cant believe your H got so upset about that. Its not like that for us. So just realize that your H is making an assumption instead of realizing his way is not "the" way, and it doesnt have to define the relationship.

So relax and just know that he's wrong for how he's handling this, but that you can work through it. Validate how he's feeling but tell him you think you both need to work on communicating. You can recommed the book The Five Love Languages as a start. 

and one last thing. sometimes people blow up over something small, something that is not really that important to them, because they are harboring resentment and anger over some other issue; either something you have done, or even something they feel guilty about doing. so keep that in mind when you're talking to him about this.


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## Newtothis

Thanks so much! I really needed to hear that. I was talking to a friend and now I realize that I'm actually being a little too much of a pushover about all this. I'm in the military, going through training right now, and I pay ALL the bills. I even give him money to buy things he might need or want (an allowance, I guess). He isn't working right now, he's going to a technical school, so he isn't bringing in any income of his own right now until he gets his grant for school. He's a wonderful man. But I understand now that I have to put my foot down about this kind of thing. I love him with all my heart, and I was ignorant to think I could have a long, happy marriage by being such a passive person (I hate arguing, especially with the person I love, especially about money). Maybe it's time to tell him that I AM working hard for this money, that I can do what I want with it (especially since the bills are getting paid still), and he should try to swallow his pride and get a job because a relationship is 50/50 (not 75/25) and he should bring in at least enough money to pay the electric bill.

... What do you think?


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## larniegrl

I think setting ground rules is an excellent idea...but I wouldn't start out with "Its my money...therefore I can do whatever I want with it." 

Come up with a strategy that both of you can agree on. It may take talking together with a married couple you trust about the best way to handle the money. Even though his reaction was childish...he is learning how to be married too. It is going to take both of you and alot of give and take to make it work. 

Stay flexible and compassionate. Don't be a pushover, but don't dominate either. Its a hard balance...but you can do it.


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## CaliRN

just let time heal things, dont do it again, everyone does stupid things at first. cook his favorite dish and wear something sexy that would help me get over it lol


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## Blanca

Newtothis said:


> Maybe it's time to tell him that I AM working hard for this money, that I can do what I want with it (especially since the bills are getting paid still), and he should try to swallow his pride and get a job because a relationship is 50/50 (not 75/25) and he should bring in at least enough money to pay the electric bill.
> 
> ... What do you think?


Understandably you would want to say this because he's being such an [email protected]@ and you're now realizing it, but saying this to him will just make him defensive. it'll just cause a fight. Of course it seems there's some resentment on your part from being a pushover for so long. you'll have to work on changing that. remember, he didnt make you do anything. you chose to act as you have in the past. you teach people how to treat you. you've taught him to treat you this way, but are now realizing its not the best approach. 

You might want to try approaching it from a "how I feel about the money" and how "he feels about the money." And come to a compromise. You can tell him how you feel about having to pay all the bills- that its stressing you out, that you feel used, etc. And then tell him what you want, but always be willing to listen to his side, too. 

And just remember, fighting is OK. you're going to fight. its not a bad thing. you both have to learn to communicate. its not easy.


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## Alexandra

Newtothis said:


> Thanks so much! I really needed to hear that. I was talking to a friend and now I realize that I'm actually being a little too much of a pushover about all this. I'm in the military, going through training right now, and I pay ALL the bills. I even give him money to buy things he might need or want (an allowance, I guess). He isn't working right now, he's going to a technical school, so he isn't bringing in any income of his own right now until he gets his grant for school. He's a wonderful man. But I understand now that I have to put my foot down about this kind of thing. I love him with all my heart, and I was ignorant to think I could have a long, happy marriage by being such a passive person (I hate arguing, especially with the person I love, especially about money). Maybe it's time to tell him that I AM working hard for this money, that I can do what I want with it (especially since the bills are getting paid still), and he should try to swallow his pride and get a job because a relationship is 50/50 (not 75/25) and he should bring in at least enough money to pay the electric bill.
> 
> ... What do you think?


I still say that you do need to discuss financial issues, to avoid the fights you don't enjoy and to show mutual respect for each other. Even if you are bringing in all of the cash, does that make it okay to disregard his feelings and spend it how you want? I'm all for open communication and mutual decisions when it comes to money. That may mean that you can't satisfy impulse buy desires, but it does make for solid ground in your marriage.

And even if you don't agree with me , try not to be aggressive with him about this. That could make this small issue soooooo much bigger than it needs to be.


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## swedish

Newtothis said:


> Maybe it's time to tell him that I AM working hard for this money, that I can do what I want with it (especially since the bills are getting paid still), and he should try to swallow his pride and get a job because a relationship is 50/50 (not 75/25) and he should bring in at least enough money to pay the electric bill.
> 
> ... What do you think?


Wow, this is a drastic turn from your original post! What if in a few years down the road he is working full-time, you have a child together and you both decide you will stay at home with the child. Would the same rules apply to him? That he can do what he wants with the money since he worked hard for it?

Bottom line is you are married and you should set your financial goals as a couple and decide money matters as a couple...(what $ is high enough that you should discuss before spending...$50? $100?) Otherwise, you will be at a tug of war and likely never be able to save for a house, or other shared goals if you are not working as a team.


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## boomer

Sounds to me like your upset because hes upset with you, or is it you don't feel hes contributing enough? Either way that talk about putting your foot down is a little over the top. Yes you worked for it, but you should still talk to him about it, Its called mutual respect. 

For example my wife makes a lot more money then one day she says to me honey my computer died, I say sure lets go shopping for one she buys herself a thousand dollar laptop, Im ok with it, because she treated me with respect and me validated and my feelings in the process, all she did was include me in the decision process. 

If she had of gone out and come home with one I would have been livid. I would personally feel like I have been disrespected.

And that talk about a marriage being 50/50 or 75/25 is a bit of a crock if you ask me its 100/100. Both partners should be striving to contribute what they can when they can whether it be financial or any other aspect of marriage. 

Try putting yourself in his shoes for a minute, your the student hes working he goes out and buys something expensive without talking to you, how would you feel?


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