# Catholic; having EA; close to turning physical



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I am looking for advice particularly from people who have been in my shoes, and please be honest and straightforward with me in regard to your feelings/personal experiences.

What I am struggling with is that I can't help but wonder if this is how everyone feels when in the midst of an emotional affair and .... in all truthfulness .... dancing way too close to that physical affair "cliff." I am dealing with feelings of confusion, sadness and emptiness; even more so than those feelings of "excitement" and "newness." Is this what an affair will do? Is it because I know that what I'm doing is completely wrong and against my values, beliefs and better judgment?

The two questions I ask myself are .... am I truly happy in my marriage and am I truly happy with the decisions I'm making right now? My answer would be, "Not really!!," to both. So what now? Deep down I know what the right thing to do is, and although I have been in prayer, I am .... in a sense .... ignoring that rope that I know God is dangling down for me. All I need to do is grab on, but why I'm resisting, I don't know or understand. How can I enjoy and hate this temptation at the same time? How can I want to put an end to it, but yet not want it to end?

I'd be grateful to any advice/personal stories any of you would be willing to share! Thank you kindly!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

How long have you been married, and are there kids involved?


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

17 years and no children.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Okay, step one - stop the EA now. Tell the OW that you need to work on your marriage to give it an honest chance, and there will be no further contact with her until you have reached a decision that you have acted upon. If it does not work out, you will end it the right way with a divorce. Once the divorce is final, then date your partner. If she really cares for you, she will wait. If not, you played each other.

Have you and your wife talked to each other about you not being happy? If so, have you tried marriage counseling?


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thank you for your advice.

It's me .... the wife .... who's involved with another man, and yes, short of letting my husband know exactly how emotionally attached I've gotten to this person from my past, he does know that I've been unhappy within our marriage. I have been very open, but again .... to an extent. We have talked about counseling, but that's as far as it has gotten.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry, I assumed male.

In talking, you must disclose your EA to him. It will be painful for both of you, and the effects will last. It may even end the marriage right there. If it does, don't run to the partner's arms until the divorce is final. Assuming that is an option.

You are on the path I traveled, except I was caught in my EA. Mine was from the past as well. Expect to have withdrawals (as bad as a drug habit). Your life will never be the same.

Good luck


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Stop all the BS. You are acting like a child. It is pathetic and you should desist. WTF is so hard about getting a divorce, first?

Maybe your husband would like to get laid, as well. Why not tell him so he can get some on the side , too.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think you have to seperate the unhappiness in the marriage from the connection to the EA partner. What you are feeling from the unhappy marriage is an emotional emptyness that will not go away until the marriage is improved. Its easy to be lured into feelings that replace the emptiness, but you have to realize that you are contemplating decisions that will ruin your husband's life. It will hurt him like he's never been hurt before. Is this what your faith means to you? That is the kind of rationale that you need to consider before continuing. I'm not judging, or trying to be cruel. I say it as a person who has felt the same emptiness in marriage. 

As people of religion, we have to choose if this only means something to us when the going is good, or will we face the hurt we are contemplating at times like this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Go to confession. Let the OM go.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

A wise pastor once told me something I'll never forget: "Infidelity will take you farther than you want to go, it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, and it will demand from you a price far greater than any you wanted to pay."

Right now the grass looks greener. Don't do it. It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but ignore your giddy emotions. Do the right thing.

Let's look at it this way: If you do leave your husband for this OM, what kind of relationship will you really have? When the tough times come - and they will - won't you always wonder if he's getting a roving eye again? Won't he always be wondering the same thing about you?

Relationships that begin as affairs never lead to anything good. Break off contact forever with this OM. Work on you marriage. If it does ultimately fail, at least you'll know you gave it a fighting chance.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

If you know Scripture Jesus and Father look at infidelity/adultry as the same as idolitry. You would not only be sinning against your body and your husbands body, but you will be sinning against Father and you will be grieving the holy spirit...is that really what you want? Lust of the flesh is something that will pass....loss of your place in the heavenly will last FOREVER......Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy...you are being pulled by the forces of darkness....you may want to find a pastor you can speak with rather than a priest...as most priests can't understand as they have taken the vow of celebasy...you need to speak with someone who knows Scripture and knows the trials and tribulations of the world and of the flesh....please for your own good stop...think and seek to talk to someone who can help you before you make a HORRIBLE MISTAKE....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You already have an abundance of help from God but you will not see. He has placed someone there with you, to love you and for you to love. Someone who cares about your pain and wants to be there to bring you through. He waits for you to come to him. Do you know who he is?

You honored each other by becoming life partners and bringing children into the world. You planned a life of shared happiness, resources and shared sorrows. You planned to grow together and to relish a your history that no other can share. 

What a gift and a blessing and I am surprised you can't see it.

You throw away that precious blessing for what? A man who is a liar, deceiver, and opportunist. A man who is using you to stabilize his marriage. A man who is so caught up in the lust of the moment that he has no compassion for another man who will be devastated. 

A manipulator who has convinced a very fortunate woman to leave her castle and wallow in the dirt with him for a little useless "bonding"'

Sometimes I want to laugh when I read these tales of true love that bloom in deception, if it were not so desperately sad. It seems like a comedy. Who could believe that adults would throw away diamonds for dog dodo. 

It seems so silly and frivolous - the breathless declarations of love and the dreams of walking into the sunset with their new love. If you look closely, that knight who is your lover is a toothless hag on an old nag. 

You already have a prince and if you continue on this path and destroy him, you will have a hell of a dry time - it's reaping what you sow. 

Tell your husband what is going on, confess to him and there will open all the help, love, care and abundance any one could hope for. When you see his pain and how much he loves you, embrace him fully and love him like he was the answer to your prayers. Because he is. 

“Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand". Matt.13:11


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Divorce your husband first. The pain from divorce is nowhere close to the earth shattering devastation that an affair causes. I should know, I am both divorced and a betrayed husband.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is sad that the BS feels like the failure. The person who is less than. They are the gems because they approached the problems in the relationship with honesty, perseverance and continued love. 

How does it get tuned upside down? My Mom was a gem and my father cheated on her repeatedly throughout the marriage. Her self esteem is zero and she was the one who persevered for her 4 children. 

We treat her like the special person she is and hope that she will one day see herself through our eyes and not those of a man who could not tell the difference between fine silk and fishnet. 

I hope the same for all betrayed spouses. See yourself through the eyes of people who are capable of love and recognize quality.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I get it that you are not very happy in your marriage and with your H. But, seriously, do you really think OM is a better man than your H? A guy who seduces a married woman? If you decide to divorce your H because of incompatibility, that's one thing, but this OM should not be the reason you should break up your marriage. Cut OM off and cool your head down so that you can think straight. You are in a fog.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, and buy yourself a vibrator, for Christsake.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I appreciate most everyone’s comment and I thank you for taking the time to reply.

Truth be told, I am a good person. My husband, too, is a wonderful man, but our marriage has had its share of problems, and if you were to read any of my other posts, you will see that. I guess …. and again, I say this truthfully …. I never quite realized how vulnerable I was. I did not go out looking for someone to fill that void. Had my marriage been solid to begin with, maybe this person from my past would not have fazed me the way that he has. However, as I found myself becoming more and more emotionally attached, I should have drawn the line, stepped away and re-evaluated what was happening. And for that, I was wrong. Because I have never been unfaithful, I find that I am putting myself in a category all of its own. Because I know that I am a good person, I find that I am putting myself in a category all of its own. But it doesn’t work that way, does it?

If any of you are familiar with the music of Casting Crowns, there’s a song titled, “Slow Fade.” It talks about flattery leading to compromise, black and white turning to gray and the fact that people/families never crumble in a day. Right now I feel like I am that person of which they sing.

As I said in my initial post, I’m neither happy in my marriage nor happy with the choices I’m making. I very much enjoy talking with this OM, but at the same time, I know it’s only complicating things. Could I, however, see leaving my husband for this OM? No! Could I see leaving my husband to live a single life again; to maybe date this (unmarried) OM? Maybe! And it’s that “maybe” that scares me! Divorce is not an option I take lightly, and although this is rather hypocritical at the moment (believe me, I know!!!), I took vows. We have talked about the issues in our marriage, and I know that he doesn’t want to lose me, but have those “issues” (both mine and his) already created irreversible damage? I guess, though, being a person of faith, I believe anything is reversible when you ask for help from above! 

To sum it up, I know what I need to do, but why is that decision not coming easily? Again, I’m a good person, but why oh why am I making such bad, potentially destructive decisions? I feel that my “empty” feeling is a direct result of the guilt that this EA is causing me, and that’s why I posed this question in my first post ….. “Is this what an affair does?” Why can’t I just say good-bye to this OM and focus on my marriage? What a confusing, messed-up time in my life!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Want help endng the EA? Right the no contact letter, show it to your husband and the send it. You maybe need the fear of god that your husbands reaction will put into you.

Btw, the EA with the OM doesn't complicate things - it is a prime source of the cancer that is killing your marriage. Act fast while you have a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

This is what an affair does. You are not unique. I also felt like I could divorce and date my AP, until I got caught. Now I feel nothing but disgust for my behavior. 

Do yourself a huge favor, end the EA and work on your marriage. At least try to save what you have. Give it an honest try. This means that you will have to tell the OM that you have decided to work on your marriage, and that you will not be communicating with him. Ask him to respect that, and to no try and contact you. You would do the same for him.

Give your husband a chance. Give yourself a chance. Be that good person you say you are.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> If any of you are familiar with the music of Casting Crowns, there’s a song titled, “Slow Fade.” It talks about flattery leading to compromise, black and white turning to gray and the fact that people/families never crumble in a day. Right now I feel like I am that person of which they sing.
> 
> As I said in my initial post, I’m neither happy in my marriage nor happy with the choices I’m making. I very much enjoy talking with this OM, but at the same time, I know it’s only complicating things. Could I, however, see leaving my husband for this OM? No! Could I see leaving my husband to live a single life again; to maybe date this (unmarried) OM? Maybe! And it’s that “maybe” that scares me! Divorce is not an option I take lightly, and although this is rather hypocritical at the moment (believe me, I know!!!), I took vows. We have talked about the issues in our marriage, and I know that he doesn’t want to lose me, but have those “issues” (both mine and his) already created irreversible damage? I guess, though, being a person of faith, I believe anything is reversible when you ask for help from above!
> 
> To sum it up, I know what I need to do, but why is that decision not coming easily? Again, I’m a good person, but why oh why am I making such bad, potentially destructive decisions? I feel that my “empty” feeling is a direct result of the guilt that this EA is causing me, and that’s why I posed this question in my first post ….. “Is this what an affair does?” Why can’t I just say good-bye to this OM and focus on my marriage? What a confusing, messed-up time in my life!


You will see people on this site who have been hurt by infidelity, and this comes through on their posts. That wasn't what I was trying to get across, though, in my reply. I am familiar with the song, and understand how you must feel. I had asked my wife for a divorce, and she told her friends. Ultimately, we reconciled, but some temptations came out of the woodwork. A supposed friend of my wife made herself available to fill the void. Surprising and tempting. But this is why I believe you have to draw the mental connection from this relationship to hurting your husband in the worst way he can ever be hurt. Tell yourself that every email, call, is a blow to his self-esteem. To be honest, I just could not do that to my wife. Can you do this to him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Instead of connecting what you are doing to your religion, connect it to your humanity. You are in the process or unleashing a world of hurt on your husband, your kids, your extended families and this other man's family. You are unleashing a tragedy of epic proportions. 

In your posts you have shifted blame to both your husband and God... It is really you that are the responsible party here.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> “Is this what an affair does?” Why can’t I just say good-bye to this OM and focus on my marriage?


Yes, that is exactly what "affair" does ! You should've had a boundary not getting too intimate with another man in the first place. No marriage is perfect. You say your H is wonderful, but you are not happy in your M. A rational, moral woman should know this and work on it continuously to make it not perfect but better. Your reasoning is very clouded, and now your foggy mind is pushing you to find any fault or imperfection you have in your M to justify your feelings for OM. This is what the affair does to your mind. 

The pleasure chemicals such as dopamine and oxytacin from this new relationship really clouds your mind and perception of things. It's a pure drug! And, these chemicals will wear off only if you live with him for 2 or 3 years. In affair setting, your brain may keep secreting them indefinitely. This is why Affair, especially to women, are so powerful and destructive.

The reason these pleasure chemicals keep coming so strongly is that you and OM do not share any reality together. Everything is in fantasy world. Each other showing and telling what the other wants to hear. It's just teenage infatuation, nothing more. 

When the brain is pumping these chemicals at its maximum output, you cannot resist the urge to continue talking to him. For men, these chemicals do not come as strongly as for women during EA stage. He will definitely want more than this, and he will gradually try talking you into PA stage with him as this is where men gets the maximum pleasure chemicals. 

The pleasure chemicals women get during EA stage is much much more and intense than for men, and for this reason, it may seem just impossible to end it by your will power alone. If such is the case, you must seek outside help. You must confess to people what's going on! 

I strongly recommend that you confess to your H and ask him to help you stop this EA. He will be hurt but since you have not taken it far yet, he will forgive you. This way, you also do not have to live the rest of life with a dirty secret. Many couples even manage to restore their marriage to a much better state than before the A. 

Even very intelligent people find themselves acting no different than any run-in-a-mill adulteress once getting hooked on this affair drug. More often than not, they actually use their logical mind to try rationalizing the affair instead. 

Don't listen to your feelings. Your feelings are nothing more than an urge from these chemicals. They are the devil's whispering. Remember the Eve with an apple in her hand. You already have your one foot in, but it's not too late. Get out!!!


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

However, as I found myself becoming more and more emotionally attached, I should have drawn the line, stepped away and re-evaluated what was happening. And for that, I was wrong. _*Because I have never been unfaithful*_,


cant really say that anymore can you. things are a changing and if you dont do some soul searching soon you will find yourself in a real mess. i feel sorry for your husband, he is probably living life oblivious to all this. you took vows. better or worse right? forsaken all others i assume? these words were said in front of family and friends, you should have meant it. i dont care what is wrong in your marriage, cheating is the worst thing one could do to someone they supposedly love.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> I
> If any of you are familiar with the music of Casting Crowns, there’s a song titled, “Slow Fade.” It talks about flattery leading to compromise, black and white turning to gray and the fact that people/families never crumble in a day. Right now I feel like I am that person of which they sing.


Yes. I wrote a post once, it's here about that same exact song... its a very powerful message. After hearing it, and discussing it within my small mens group the message I interpreted really stuck with me...


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

And, the very fact that you come to this board asking for help means you have not completely lost yourself yet. You still have the conscience and sanity alive in your mind despite this irresistable urge to commiserate this relationship. This shows that you have a good foundation of character.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Instead of connecting what you are doing to your religion, connect it to your humanity. You are in the process or unleashing a world of hurt on your husband, your kids, your extended families and this other man's family. You are unleashing a tragedy of epic proportions.
> 
> In your posts you have shifted blame to both your husband and God... It is really you that are the responsible party here.


Very well said. 
The fact that you describe awareness of this going against your morals does nothing to mitigate the damage you are doing by cheating.
I have spoken and written to countless BSs. I can tell you that in a very high% of cases, the BS's main source of resentment is the theft of his or her time. You are lining up your next realtionship, investing it it, while your H, in reliance on the contract you entered is foregoing similar opportunities.
You said you both have dissatisfaction in your marriage. Presumably, your husband encounters(like most of us do) opportunites to acquire similar gratification to what you have .
How do you justify his subsidizing your fun, unwittingly, allowing you to hit the ground running should you divorce.
And, if this other man is married, where is your compassion and empathy for his spouse and kids. The lack thereof is evidence that your proclamation about being a good person is hollow.
Good people do not ignore the fact that their actions are hurting others.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I, first of all, do not understand what Hicks means when he says I am shifting blame to God. How's that?

Secondly, I would like to respond to Arnold. You ended by saying that good people do not ignore the fact that their actions are hurting others. That may be correct, but good people also tend to struggle with their questionable decisions more so than other people. And if I may go back to the "hurting others.” I would venture to categorize an affair, sadly, as a very selfish act, and if that’s the case, you're right .... you DO tend to ignore the fact that your actions are hurting others. It DOES NOT MEAN, however, that some of those same people do not struggle with the wrong that they are doing! And those would be your “good” people!

Hicks also mentioned that I blame my husband. Do I blame him for what I am doing? Absolutely not. Do I blame him for the condition that our marriage is in? Absolutely not; for it takes two. However, the issues within our marriage (especially over the last six years) have seemed to bother me more than him. He seemed (yes, we have had many talks) to feel that things were “normal,” while I found myself growing lonelier and lonelier. As I emphasized, I DID NOT mean for this to happen. It started by a simple FB message in April of this year. And no, he is not married.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I'd suggest you do some real research on theeffcts of infidelity on a betrayed spouse. You might start by watching Willard Harley's free video on his marriagebuilders website to get some idea of exactly how traumatic this is.
Harley interviewed people who had been through either the death of a child or a sexual assault and , overwhe,ingly, the folks who had experienced both felt recovering from infidelity was much tougher.
Before you discount this as overly dramatic, let me be clear. No betrayed spouse is saying he or she would prefer harm befall their child. I think any of us with kids would volunteer to go through this a thousand times before we would want anything tohappen to our kids.
But, the recovery is said to be tougher(I can attest to the recovery being tougher than when I was repeatedly sexually assaulted at age 12).
I want youtto really look at this, the PTSD that comes, the suicidal ideation, the loss of self esteem, the loss of confidence, the massive weight loss, the anxiety and depression, the insomnia, the job loss etc. You seem to think that because you struggle with the decision you have made that your are a good person Well, a good person does not inflict this type of harm on another, even if they do not like the other person.
You may be influenced by movies, soap operas, other media that trivialize the injury, where the betrayed spouse is depicted as momentarily upset, only to move on, happy as a clam in a few weeks. It does not work like that in real life.
And, you have not even addressed the fundamental fairness issue of depriving your H of similar avenue of gratification.
Tell me this: do you consider him less worthy of a jyful, fulfilled life than you? If not, why is he denied the right to do what you have done? You have elevated your own importance over his.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

But you know what you are fantasizing about is wrong. It's hard, because it feels so good, but you KNOW in your heart what you need to do.

You came here to get strength. You WANT to do the right thing! It is the devil, literally, that is tempting you. Of course it feels wonderful and exciting and enticing -- that's how the devil works! {Can I hear a big "Duh?" :scratchhead: } Do NOT let yourself succumb! Cut it off this instant!!

You can do it -- you're here because in your heart of hearts you WANT to do it!

{For what it's worth, many years ago I was working with a man that totally floored me with his attractiveness. I had to totally dial back my involvement in that project. We've had some contact over the years, since, but neither of us would ever do anything about it -- it IS possible to be faithful, and to forsake all others. You can do it too!}


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> I, first of all, do not understand what Hicks means when he says I am shifting blame to God. How's that?
> 
> Secondly, I would like to respond to Arnold. You ended by saying that good people do not ignore the fact that their actions are hurting others. That may be correct, but good people also tend to struggle with their questionable decisions more so than other people. And if I may go back to the "hurting others.” I would venture to categorize an affair, sadly, as a very selfish act, and if that’s the case, you're right .... you DO tend to ignore the fact that your actions are hurting others. It DOES NOT MEAN, however, that some of those same people do not struggle with the wrong that they are doing! And those would be your “good” people!
> 
> Hicks also mentioned that I blame my husband. Do I blame him for what I am doing? Absolutely not. Do I blame him for the condition that our marriage is in? Absolutely not; for it takes two. However, the issues within our marriage (especially over the last six years) have seemed to bother me more than him. He seemed (yes, we have had many talks) to feel that things were “normal,” while I found myself growing lonelier and lonelier. As I emphasized, I DID NOT mean for this to happen. It started by a simple FB message in April of this year. And no, he is not married.


Tigger,
I did read your previous posts, and frankly, I cannot imagine your situation. My wife struggles with insecurities within a normal sex life, and it has given me a glimpse of what you may feel. However, I know very little about the catholic faith, other than to know that a protestant guy like me can really embarrass my brother in his wedding, where I was the best man. Is divorce not an option? With six years of a sexless marriage, its easy to argue that this isn't remotely a marriage.

What do you want in the way of advice? With the character you've demonstrated in trying to make the marriage work through these cold years, it only seems that you want advice on a way out of these feelings. If divorce is not an option in your faith, based on your husband's selfish approach to marriage, this has to paint a very bleak picture of your future. But with your beliefs, character, and a heart for love, you deserve a future that is painted with hope. The affair can't last forever. Personally, I think the solution is finding the courage to give ultimatums to your husband, and be willing to follow through to a divorce, if necessary, and maybe a real marriage.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> But you know what you are fantasizing about is wrong. It's hard, because it feels so good, but you KNOW in your heart what you need to do.
> 
> You came here to get strength. You WANT to do the right thing! It is the devil, literally, that is tempting you. Of course it feels wonderful and exciting and enticing -- that's how the devil works! {Can I hear a big "Duh?" :scratchhead: } Do NOT let yourself succumb! Cut it off this instant!!
> 
> ...


Sorry about that attractiveness deal, I Will. I have tried to tone it done some in recent years.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> I, first of all, do not understand what Hicks means when he says I am shifting blame to God. How's that?
> 
> Secondly, I would like to respond to Arnold. You ended by saying that good people do not ignore the fact that their actions are hurting others. That may be correct, but good people also tend to struggle with their questionable decisions more so than other people. And if I may go back to the "hurting others.” I would venture to categorize an affair, sadly, as a very selfish act, and if that’s the case, you're right .... you DO tend to ignore the fact that your actions are hurting others. It DOES NOT MEAN, however, that some of those same people do not struggle with the wrong that they are doing! And those would be your “good” people!
> 
> Hicks also mentioned that I blame my husband. Do I blame him for what I am doing? Absolutely not. Do I blame him for the condition that our marriage is in? Absolutely not; for it takes two. However, the issues within our marriage (especially over the last six years) have seemed to bother me more than him. He seemed (yes, we have had many talks) to feel that things were “normal,” while I found myself growing lonelier and lonelier. As I emphasized, I DID NOT mean for this to happen. It started by a simple FB message in April of this year. And no, he is not married.


But Tigger - why is the tone of your posts irate? You asked for help and strangers are taking the time to give you the benefit of their experiences. 

Some have been wounded by infidelity and are of course going to react strongly. 

Obviously you are not getting the kind of responses that you find helpful. They seem to annoy you. Did you just want sympathy for your angst? You have to expect some criticism and attempts to dissuade you when you post on a marriage positive site. 

I think it is appropriate that people see your husband's need for sympathy is far greater than yours. After all, he is controlling his temptations even though it is as difficult as your struggle. He is doing it because he does not want to hurt you. He is "standing in the need of prayer" but he does not know that he is about to be run over by a truck. 

You may be of a mind set to continue this affair no matter who you hurt or what you destroy. You said you have no children - wouldn't a good person let their spouse go rather than commit the horrible sin of adultery. What is the lesser of two evils?

Aren't there Biblical passages that deal with that?
http://bible.org/seriespage/questions-about-marriage-and-divorce-matthew-193-12


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Okay, I went and read about his porn usage and the lack of sex. He is messed up, but still not deserving of this abuse.
I'm Catholic-altar boy, nuns, Jesuits-the works. The church would probably give you an out if he is as you say.
But, have you really given it your all, the counseling and programs available? Maybe he is just unwilling to change. But, you need to divorce him vs what you are doing.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> But Tigger - why is the tone of your posts irate? You asked for help and strangers are taking the time to give you the benefit of their experiences.
> 
> Some have been wounded by infidelity and are of course going to react strongly.
> 
> ...


Please know that I don’t mean to appear irate. I so very much appreciate everything that is being shared with me (from all of you!!), and believe me, I have thoroughly read them all …. some of them twice. In all honesty, when I got to your post last evening, Catherine602, it brought me to tears. 

I guess it’s important to me, though, that people truly understand my character. Maybe a cheater is a cheater is a cheater …. no matter what, but I’m trying to understand “me.” I’m trying to understand why.

Yes, my husband does deserve sympathy. He is wonderful is so many ways, but in my eyes, he hasn’t exactly controlled his temptations. I have always felt like a “second” to his porn. How often he would view it, I do not know, because he was kind enough to never view it in front of me, but it’s become a regular cycle for me. After a little snooping, I find his collection; he supposedly gets rid of it and a few years later, a brand new collection. In the meantime, we’ve gone six years without any intercourse.

I know this still doesn’t make what I’m doing right, but it has to explain why this EA took off as easily as it did.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

OK, 6 years is a long time. My husband is totally addicted to porn too, and for years he's said "everybody does it!" No. Not everybody. Some people actually choose to have sex with their wife. 

Take the high road. Get a divorce, even if your community does not approve. THEN go after this other man.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I_Will_Survive said:


> OK, 6 years is a long time. My husband is totally addicted to porn too, and for years he's said "everybody does it!" No. Not everybody. Some people actually choose to have sex with their wife.
> 
> Take the high road. Get a divorce, even if your community does not approve. THEN go after this other man.


Just read your background info and I can see why this has happend. 

But what have you got to loose by confessing to him? Yes he will be hurt but maybe it will be the kick in the pants he needs. 

He has done things that are very destructive and that needs to change. As for staying with him, if you want a strict interpretation of Christ teachings on divorce and sex - He says that looking a woman in lust who is not your wife is adultery. Not consummating the relationship is grounds for divorce. 

I am not advising you to divorce but I am saying confess, work hard to resolve things with him and if that does not work then divorce. 

I think if you do all you can to save your marriage, you are justified on several fronts to divorce. The biggest reason is so that you will succumb to temptation because of your husbands addiction. Thus, you will be averting and even larger sin.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I do not know---how much /how forceful your discussions are with each other---but if your H., is into porn, and the 2 of you have had no physical (intercourse) contact for 6 yrs.---your mge., has huge cracks in it

In those 6 yrs, ---tell me something---when the 2 of you sat down to discuss the problems, how serious were the discussions, was anything ever put into play---and timewise in those 6 yrs---have you even spent a total of 20 hours in talking about your marital problems

You more than likely spend 20 hours talking to your AP, every couple of weeks

How much chance are you really giving your mge.--and by that I mean both you AND your H.

Having your A., is not the answer---I know you are having a major problem, with going NC, that kind of thing is extremely hard, cold turkey is never easy---but you just DO IT!!!!!---but looking hard at your AP, if you were to continue---what does he bring to the table for your future

I doubt if he is much of a man---as 1st he is knowingly trying to participate in the wrecking of your present mge., so for that reason alone he is scum, 2nd you say he is an old friend---well that must mean, you didn't/couldn't make it with him way back when, and there must have been a good reason that you didn't end up with him, and I imagine that reason still exists----and as you have already stated---life on your own, at your age, and you are probably late 30's to late 40's---won't be any great wondrous event, either

You are looking at very little in the way of decent men, who have NO baggage, and who arn't users, and abusers-----you are looking at a huge financial upheavel----and the chances of you making it with your AP, are 97% AGAINST

So it might just behoove you to sit down, have some SERIOUS/DECISION MAKING discussions with your H., including IC, and some type of couples therapy.----You also have to go NC, and that needs to be now---you might also get off facebook for a while, block your AP, from your cellphone, and e-mail---those things MUST be done--if you want to continue in this mge.--

--If on the other hand, you don't care about what you have put together up till now in your mge---do the right thing get your D., and sleep in the bed you have made for yourself


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> Please know that I don’t mean to appear irate. I so very much appreciate everything that is being shared with me (from all of you!!), and believe me, I have thoroughly read them all …. some of them twice. In all honesty, when I got to your post last evening, Catherine602, it brought me to tears.
> 
> I guess it’s important to me, though, that people truly understand my character. Maybe a cheater is a cheater is a cheater …. no matter what, but I’m trying to understand “me.” I’m trying to understand why.
> 
> ...


Take away all of the words, intentions and your character, and the practical side of you can hopefully see that this EA has given you the perfect situation to address what is wrong with your marriage. Be up front with your husband about the EA. Many men can eventually make their peace with it. And if he isn't a fool, he'll see that the time for words and half-measures has passed. But if you proceed down this path, I hope you can come to a place where you see that a person with a good conscience can't outrun the conscience forever. I tried this before I met my wife and my faith. The image of the hurt it causes doesn't go away, even if you find forgiveness. I hope you can see that you deserve so much better than this bleak marriage, and a fleeting taste of what true passion feels like. I hope that you will accept no less.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The way you are blaming god is that you are following a religious principle that says you cannot divorce. This then becomes the justification for adultery. What I am a trying to say is that when you tie this all up in your religion, it is causing you to to something that is far more hurtful and wrong.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Dear Tigger:

I have read your posts and it sounds like you could have been my wife, except for the sexless marriage part. She and I were married 21 years when she was contacted by an old lover with whom she had kept some contact earlier in our marriage (unbeknownst to me, but always suspected). They had been out of contact for over a decade (because, as I later discovered, she was feeling too pulled/threatened by her attraction to him and decided to cut things off).

My wife is a wonderful person. I am a wonderful person. We love each other dearly. Looking from the outside we had a wonderful marriage and an enviable family life. Yet, like many longer term marriages, little resentments turned into bigger resentments and communication about our needs and desires broke down. Life, while good, started to become more demanding several years ago. 

He came into her life and reminded her of her youth at a time when she was confronting middle age. He shared many lovely thoughts of a time in her life that wasn't so stressful, where she didn't have obligations to children, career, and husband. They reminisced about the romance they shared and how she broke his heart when she picked me to marry. They projected what their life together may have been. Though they live 300 miles apart they did manage one face-to-face meeting (over 5 years ago) and by all accounts (I've seen the emails talking about their visit) they did not cross the "ultimate boundary" and have sex. They continued to share intimate information with one another through email and, apparently, occasional phone calls. Later they connected through Facebook. 

The EA hit its peak in 2006, started dying off in 2007, and then kept on in a less intense way all the way through this past spring. By the time I discovered it, there appeared to have been no direct contact for several months. In going back and reading the hundreds of emails, there were several periods where my wife expressed guilt and doubts about their continued contact. They would take "breaks" and then one or the other would reach out within a few weeks or even days. She needed his attention (and I assume he also needed hers). She needed to have that validation and she wanted to be reminded of the life she believed she had given up with me. 

When I found out I was crushed. Not only because of what it was, but because of who it was. I knew of him and had always felt threatened by him mainly because they shared a past, had an awkward parting that didn't completely resolve their relationship, and he clearly carried strong feelings for her long after she and I were married. I was also devastated by her deception and by the fact that I had been so utterly trusting of her. 

It killed me to read that she expressed things to him that she did not share with me. If she shared similar thoughts with me they were always delivered as a criticism or expressed as frustration with me, her, or our life together. When I heard such "complaints" admittedly, I tended to dismiss them without really listening and trying to understand. 

Discovery of my wife’s EA has in some ways been the jolt I’ve needed to examine myself and my own behaviors. I will not accept responsibility for the EA, however. She did it and she has to be accountable for both the betrayal of our intimacy and the pain it has caused me. Still, one benefit of the discovery has been that I am no longer complacent about our relationship or about myself. I am working on becoming more self aware and even a little bit selfish with respect to my own needs in the relationship. I have made noticeable attempts to become a better, more connected husband and father. And I have done more to “woo” my wife as both a partner and a lover. I am in the best physical shape I have been in since my 20s (which has helped my confidence as other women seem to be noticing as well). Yet, we are far from recovered and it will take a strong commitment from both of us to get to where we both want to be. I don’t think it will be easy, but am encouraged because we both love each other very much and both want to have the kind of relationship we always thought we could have. In a few short years it will be just the two of us. If we haven’t made enough progress by then we will have to decide whether to keep trying or to go separate ways. For now, though, I am committed to fighting for us.

If you believe there is something salvageable with your husband and you want to salvage it you owe it to him and your marriage to sit down and tell him everything. He needs to know how you’ve been feeling about your relationship, what this other man means to you and (if true) why you’d much prefer to have that kind of connection with him. 

My thoughts are with you and your husband in this difficult time.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I'd be interested in your thoughts regarding the character of the OM. I can never understand how people can respect someone demonstrating such a lack of integrity.
Have you really stopped and thought about what type of person is comfotable with the amount of dishonest inherent in a relationship like you two have? I suppose the rationalization is much as we typically see: "Oh, but this is different.."


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> I, first of all, do not understand what Hicks means when he says I am shifting blame to God. How's that?
> 
> Secondly, I would like to respond to Arnold. You ended by saying that good people do not ignore the fact that their actions are hurting others. That may be correct, but good people also tend to struggle with their questionable decisions more so than other people. And if I may go back to the "hurting others.” I would venture to categorize an affair, sadly, as a very selfish act, and if that’s the case, you're right .... you DO tend to ignore the fact that your actions are hurting others. It DOES NOT MEAN, however, that some of those same people do not struggle with the wrong that they are doing! And those would be your “good” people!
> 
> Hicks also mentioned that I blame my husband. Do I blame him for what I am doing? Absolutely not. Do I blame him for the condition that our marriage is in? Absolutely not; for it takes two. However, the issues within our marriage (especially over the last six years) have seemed to bother me more than him. He seemed (yes, we have had many talks) to feel that things were “normal,” while I found myself growing lonelier and lonelier. As I emphasized, I DID NOT mean for this to happen. It started by a simple FB message in April of this year. And no, he is not married.


I'm seeing a lot of energy being put into defending your view of yourself. You keep trying to prove to us that you're a basically "good" person.

Does it really matter whether we see you as a good person or not? What we're talking about here are your actions, not the essence of your being. What you are doing is wrong. Yes, good people make bad choices sometimes. But the fact that you may be a good person does not mitigate the damage that a PA would have, nor the amount of damage an EA is causing right now.

You want to prove you're a good person? Do the right thing!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK, you've said it---to 'BE' with this guy, would be basically nothing more than meaninless routine sex----and the chances are he ain't even as good as your H

What it is, is, he is illicit, he is forbidden fruit, -----you know darn well, you could end up with a life full of misery, for your one or two times, of forbidden WORTHLESS sex

You just need to go cold turkey----get your H., to help you do whatever it is you need to do, to get rid of your urges----cuz you will regret what the urges might bring, for the rest of your life

As to being out there on your own, as an older woman----I see a whole lot of older women here in So. Calif.---and most of em ain't having it so great----sure there are lots of guys, but most are not GOOD H. material---so just do what you need to, to stop your urges, and spend the time you are wasting on you scum lover to be, spend that time on fixing your mge.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It is odd that your faith is an impediment to divorce, but not adultery.
In any case, just hoe emphatic have you been with your husband about your need for a sexual relationship and the inmpact his porn has on that?

You are articulate. Presumably, your H has decent intellectual candlepower. What has been the problem with getting through to him?
I would venture that , rather than the porn being his main problem, he has some huge feeling of resentment and anger toward you and he withholds sex to punish.
Now, that is just a guess. But, what do you think?


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Sorry about that attractiveness deal, I Will. I have tried to tone it done some in recent years.


:lol: :rofl:

Sorry. Just saw that and really did laugh out loud!!
I forgive you, Arnold.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Halien said:


> Take away all of the words, intentions and your character, and the practical side of you can hopefully see that this EA has given you the perfect situation to address what is wrong with your marriage. Be up front with your husband about the EA. Many men can eventually make their peace with it. And if he isn't a fool, he'll see that the time for words and half-measures has passed. But if you proceed down this path, I hope you can come to a place where you see that a person with a good conscience can't outrun the conscience forever. I tried this before I met my wife and my faith. The image of the hurt it causes doesn't go away, even if you find forgiveness. I hope you can see that you deserve so much better than this bleak marriage, and a fleeting taste of what true passion feels like. I hope that you will accept no less.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I, first off, want to say that I appreciate the time that all you took to write me. As I read each post, I put a lot of thought into the message that you were trying to get across to me. I know that what I am doing is wrong, and if what I share next isn’t an indication of how confused I am, I don’t know what is! 

Last week (the week that I was absorbing the many responses from all of you), I spontaneously decided to visit my church and light a candle. It was nice to have the entire church to myself; it was a very emotional, but peaceful experience. What I can’t quite get a grip around is the fact that although I am asking for God’s help, I’m not doing what He wants of me. In the meantime, I remain extremely sad and lonely. This time of year (Christmas) is normally my absolute favorite; yet, I feel no joy. I know that I need to end my communications with this OM, but I just don’t want to! I know that I would never leave my husband for this OM, but yet, the thought of being single again is appealing. Have we grown this far apart? Has six years without intercourse done this? Is it that my knowledge of his porn addition throughout our entire 17-year marriage has finally given me the confidence and strength to maybe move on? Are all these reasons why I just feel so numb?

Or, do I feel numb because of the fact that I found more porn over the weekend? I can’t keep living like this, but I don’t know what to do! We did talk about the fact that I’ve been communicating with this OM; however, the frequency was downgraded, as were the contents of the emails. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, doesn’t like the fact that I’m emailing, admits that we need to become more intimate (although this I’ve heard many times before!) and claims that porn is not the problem when it comes to our lack of intimacy. He still blames it on his erectile dysfunction, and says that he will make an appointment to visit his doctor very soon. 

I don’t know what to do! It’s as if my head and my heart are telling me two different things! But as some of you have pointed out, with the OM in the picture, things are foggy. If it’s strictly my marriage that’s making me feel as miserable and unhappy as I am, I need to see that all on its own.

Since I know your views on the EA/OM, I would appreciate your thoughts on the porn. Will this ever change for me? Does anyone else have any personal stories? 

Thank you!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

If he has ED, that could be the reason he does not approach you for sex. It is mind boggling, however, that he has not sought medical help yet. The stuff out there is very effective in many cases.
Porn addiction is said to be due to fear of intimacy. Was he always like this, even pre ED?
I know what it is like to have sex withheld. I really thought about cheating, too. But, there are honorable ways to get out of a marriage.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thank you, Arnold, for the rather "gentle" message this time around!!

We dated for three years before getting married, and during those years I found his smut collection. I, of course, cried, we talked about it, he said he'd get rid of it, etc. But at age 20, I was pretty naive and so very in love! Even pre-ED, our sex life was never normal, and in the back of my mind, I always knew what I was competing with. I always figured that's why he didn't need or want me in "that" way.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to read *Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem* from Psychology Today as well *Treatment and Healing of Sexual and Pornographic Addictions* from Catholic News Agency

Your husband's addiction to porn has wrecked his sexual/emotional intimacy just as your addiction to the OM has wrecked yours. Until BOTH quit cold turkey, there is not much hope that things will change.

Talk to a catholic marriage counselor about these issues.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I read the article re porn addiction affecting performance and it was very good and encouraging. If your husband has this problem(ED caused by porn), it sounds like it is quite fixable.


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

I'm sorry if this advice not right: 

1. You must divorce your husband for your own happy and future.
2. If can't divorce because your religion than you must accept your husband with his good and bad personality.
3. Face the bad personality of your husband with with love and not cheating.
4. If you have cheat than tell tour husband may be he will divorce you if you can't.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Arnold said:


> If he has ED, that could be the reason he does not approach you for sex. It is mind boggling, however, that he has not sought medical help yet. The stuff out there is very effective in many cases.
> Porn addiction is said to be due to fear of intimacy. Was he always like this, even pre ED?
> I know what it is like to have sex withheld. I really thought about cheating, too. But, there are honorable ways to get out of a marriage.


If he's on blood pressure meds, that could be the cause of ED.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> You may want to read *Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem* from Psychology Today as well *Treatment and Healing of Sexual and Pornographic Addictions* from Catholic News Agency


Thank you for the the resources. I have printed them both.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are welcome. I truly wish the best for you and your husband.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I'm not too comfortable yet with this site .... how postings show up, etc., but to all my friends who have been a part of this particular discussion, I have posted a new thread under "General Relationships or General Discussions." (I'm not sure of the exact title.) Please refer to that posting, because some new information has developed and I would appreciate your comments. Thank you for everything thus far! This has definitely been a struggle, and talking to family (even though I have a wonderful, loving family) isn't something I'd be comfortable doing at this point.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

For all of you who have been following my posts, provided advice, etc., I finally, but tearfully, ended my EA today, and also made a visit (just as tearful) to my priest today. I honestly can't say yet that I feel like the weight has been lifted, but it could be that my heart is still so very broken right now. I mean, I know that I absolutely had to do what I did today, because I could no longer live with the constant guilt or the ongoing damage that it was causing in my marriage, but saying goodbye was not easy! Will this hurt go away? Will the love that I once had for my husband return? Will that inner peace and happiness that left me eight months ago - when I got involved with this OM - soon return? Right now it just really, really hurts, but again - I KNOW I did what I HAD to do!! 

I think, if anything, this has caused us to take a good look at our marriage; the marriage we let die all too many years ago, the marriage that needs to have some issues addressed.

Please provide some words of encouragement, and please keep me (us) in your prayers. Thank you!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It never is easy to do the right thing. Your decision to end your EA is the first step in your healing and hopefully the healing of your marriage. God bless.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Kudo to you. 

Not to say any letdown, but you should know keeping NC is much much harder than just announcing it. I hope you have what it takes to keep yourself true to your commitment. Remember the true NC is for the life time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so happy that you were able to take this step. How will you tell your husband? 

In some of my darkest moment I recite the 23 Psalm. I think it is one of the most powerful and reassuring Psalms. 

*1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

*2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters.

*3He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

*4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.

*5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

*6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for ending the affair!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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