# The issue has "gone away" as usual.



## Lake (Dec 14, 2010)

I posted a week or so ago about my situation with my husband. How he made a move on my sister and denied, denied, denied it. 
Well, I decided to give him another chance. I don't know why exactly. Maybe its because financially I couldn't make it on my own. (I'm currently a stay at home mom), maybe just I'm scared of losing him for whatever reason...
I've been trying to be nice and work things out. I invited him back to the BR and everything has been going too 'smoothly'. We haven't argued and hes been super sweet but..sweet to the point of coming off as fake. Its like we are dating again and this go around I don't like him. I feel like I need to stay and try to make this work for our daughter but I'm still wondering if its all going to be worth it. 
Since I invited him back to the BR its like nothing ever happened. He hasn't been looking for a counselor or looking for any other kind of help. (books, e-books, online reading material) I just feel like this is the calm before the storm and if he doesn't get off his butt soon to show that hes TRYING I feel like I have no choice but to leave. Just because I can have a nice conversation w/ him doesn't mean the issue has been resolved. Maybe I'm sending mixed messages by being nice and letting him sleep in the same bed? I just wish his actions would back up his words..and so far I haven't seen it. 

Its just hard because in spite of all that hes done to me I still love him. I don't think anything will ever change that.

Anyone have any advice on how I could move forward either way? I just feel like I'm stuck and I've run out of ideas.


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

Wish I could help you there, but I'm still exiled from the BR. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sure! I recommend using W-T-F-S. That stands for "When you (identify the issue)...I Think (share your thoughts)...I Feel (share your feelings)...So I'm going to ask (ask for what you need to fix this)."

_*When you* make a move on my sister, deny it to my face, treat me with disrespect, and then for the sake of the vows I made to you, I agree to work on it and make the effort of inviting you back into my bed

*I think* that pretending it didn't happen is not going to work for me, and continuing on "like we were" will just lead to the same thing happening again

*I feel* like I must be utterly unloved and unvalued by you that you won't even make the effort to look up counseling, read a book to improve our marriage, or discuss it with me. 

*So I'm going to ask* that you make the effort to find and schedule a marriage counseling appointment, find and read one marriage book, and find time to talk with me honestly and openly for one hour THIS WEEK. I will not remind you or nag you, but I also will not do the work for you. If our marriage means something to you I would ask you to do this, and if you do not, you need to know that avoiding this is making me consider asking you to leave._


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is a terrible man to this, he has no character, no self control and cares nothing for you or your family. This is a monumental betrayal from a man who does not deserve to still be in your family let alone you bed. I don't understand when men and women say they love a person who betrays them. You love a myth the person you thought he was but look at what he is now. He is rather disgusting, he could at lest have tried out his intrusions with some women other than your sister. What ever you feel about him he does not love you in fact he does not like you. How could a man who has any regard for his wife contemplate having sex with her sister. Not only was he endangering your marriage but destroying your family. How you can look at him is beyond me. And what about your sister, do you consider her a liar. 

Being trapped in a marriage where a man can do as he pleases with no fear of his wife leaving is a very difficult position. If I were you I would start working and going to school. Exercise and dress well wear make up, get your hair and nails done. Go out one night a week with friends. Reestablish relationships out side of your marriage. I think eventually he will leave when he has found someone else so you need to prepare yourself. You can cut your loses by separating now and getting alimony and child support whe you go to school. I don't think a woman should ever be trapped with no way out of a marriage if a man proves inadequate. 

Sorry to be so blunt but I think you are giving a man who does not care or love or even like you a chance to do it again. Look at the type of man who would do this, cheaters lie so you cannot believe what he says. Look at his actions they tell all. You intuition is sceaming at you and you ignore it to stay with a deeply flawed man with a worped character just for finances. If you stay for finances at lest get him out of your bedroom why are you rewarding him for being a liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

Hi sorry to hear for that. I agree that you give him another chance especially if you love him and for the sake of your daughter too. What i think you should do is to sit him down and explain him exactly what you want him to do to get over this situation. Sometimes men don't realize what they should do.


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## Lake (Dec 14, 2010)

I have talked to him about all of this till I'm blue in the face. I'm ALWAYS the one to jump in and fix things or tell him how to fix things. I think its time he put his big boy pants on and made an effort instead of waiting around hoping I'll fix his problems. I can't do that for him anymore, all it does is put a band aid on the issue until it happens again. If he can't figure out things and get help then I think I need to get on with my life.
I'm going to set up a mental time frame. When that time is up, depending on how much time, energy, effort he has put into "this" I'll decide to stay or leave. I'm not going to let him know about it. 

I talk to him and let him know exactly what I'm feeling. If I don't like him at the moment (which has been VERY often lately) I've been actually telling him to leave me alone I don't like you right now. It sounds so childish! I know I'm being very distant. I'm just scared to get emotionally attached again just for this or something like this to happen again. There is absolutely NO trust whatsoever and at this point in time I don't see him TRYING to get my trust back.


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## SoSadandConfused (Dec 27, 2010)

Lake, I feel for you because I am going through the same thing. Only my husband hasn't just made advances he has actually had a PA. 
I agree alot with what Catherine says about his character, but I know what it is like to still love the man who betrays you. I won't say that I am still in love with him, just that I love him. I did not break my vows and the love still exists whether or not he still has that love for me. Those feelings are not a switch that can be turned on and off.
I too have allowed my husband to return to my bed even though has not made any effort to fix the marriage. I've since found out that he is continuing the affair and may be having another one.
I, like you, am a stay at home mom. I am lucky enough to work part-time from home as well. I have consulted an attorney and although the children and I would not be able to maintain our current lifestyle, we would be okay. Just make sure you a consult an attorney before leaving, if your decision is to leave.
I don't know about you - but I am tired of not being fought for. I am not the one who did anything wrong, yet he makes me feel like I need to fix us. I think you will come to a point - whether within your mental timeframe or not - where you will know what decision to make. I think I have recently come to that realization myself. Just remember that you deserve more than he is offering you right now.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Lake, what exactly do you want him to do? When are you going to be satisfied that he is "doing enough"? 

Go ahead and put me on you s**t list, go ahead and try to get me banned from this site, but judging by this and your other thread, to me, it seems that you are not interested in fixing your marriage, you are only interested in punishing him, and it seems that you are going out of your way to find fault with his way of thinking.

I'm not sticking up for him, what he did was abhorrent, but I think that you only want to be proved right in the end, even if it means divorce.


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## Lake (Dec 14, 2010)

F-102...I don't know what I want him to do. I don't know if anything he could do would be enough. I don't know if this marriage can be fixed and I'm to the point where this could go either way and I would be fine with it. Its not that I don't care or that I don't love him because I do. If I didn't I wouldn't be posting my personal issues on the internet or up to trying marriage counseling hoping that someone I don't even know knows of something that could help. 

I dont think I have to go "out of my way" to find fault here. I think its quite obvious that what he has done is WRONG and if you don't think so then your out of your mind too. 

Yes, I do want him to feel the same way because maybe then he'll realize what hes been doing to me these years..but does that mean I am going to turn around and do the same thing to him? NO. I just think that if there is NO consequence for his actions this will keep going on. That is all I am saying. I am just trying to find an end to the way hes treating me and if the only way is leaving then so be it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorry, Lake, I only go by what I read, and being a guy, I just don't always have the intuition to read between the lines.

Have you considered a trial separation? I know it may not look good now, but he may finally "wake up" and see what it means to lose you.
Of course, it may backfire and make him think he's got a green light to go fishin' again.

I know, I had sort of the same issue with my W regarding sex, she would never initiate, and I got tired of always taking the lead, but things are getting better, but for awhile, I felt that I had nothing left to give. Man, that's a lousy feeling.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Lake, what exactly do you want him to do? When are you going to be satisfied that he is "doing enough"?
> 
> Go ahead and put me on you s**t list, go ahead and try to get me banned from this site, but judging by this and your other thread, to me, it seems that you are not interested in fixing your marriage, you are only interested in punishing him, and it seems that you are going out of your way to find fault with his way of thinking.
> 
> I'm not sticking up for him, what he did was abhorrent, but I think that you only want to be proved right in the end, even if it means divorce.


There is nothing reprehensible about wanting the person who has wounded you to feel your pain before you can forgive. That's not a popular view but it is more reasonable and compassionate to the person who has been wounded. 

The wounded party gets to say when and if they can for give. You demand that she give cheap forgiveness and just move on. 

Put you self in her shoes, if you wife cheated repeatedly and lied constantly and gave you an STD, would you like someone to say what you have just said? Be honest, would you just move on, I bet not. Show this lady the same compassion that you would want if you were in her place please. 

T[It is healthy that she wants him to feel her pain it is the only way she can heal from the egregious injury she has been done. 


Lake did you use a condom when you had sex? If not get tested again. I would not have sex with this man until you have definite proof that he is not cheating and you let 3 months have elapsed and go with this liar to get him tested. He should be willing to share his phone emails with you. If not, then he should not be forgiven.


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## Lake (Dec 14, 2010)

Catherine, I highly doubt hes cheating. I don't think he could hide it. In a round about way he would end up telling me. Thats how I have found out hes lying about all this in the first place. He ALWAYS tells on himself...he might not mean to but he does. We live 5 mins from his work and he always comes home for lunch, hes always home 5-10 mins after work, neither of us go out w/o the other, and I've been checking his phone like crazy and haven't found anything out of order. We have both been tested that was one of my main things he had to do before we got married.

We talked last night from 8 to 12..He broke down and cried. I haven't seen him like this in years. I know it seems bad but I think that helped me. Just to see him showing real emotion and to know it really IS bothering him. We got a lot out on the table that would need to be fixed. 

It was nice for both of us to be able to talk about problems w/o yelling or getting mad. I think we are both beyond that point now. 
I told him I'm willing to try anything to get us on the right track but let him know that I'm not sure if anything will work. I'm just willing to try. 
I told him about my time line, that if I'm not happy with the progress hes made the certain time I'm out. (didn't tell him the date.) I think he understood my point and why. 
I told him I know we both still love each other but neither of us act like we like each other. He even understood that. 

I had a lot of "daddy issues" growing up and swore that I would NEVER forgive him for what he did to me. I moved out and was able to move on. I didn't give him the opportunity to hurt me anymore and eventually forgiveness came. But I think I was able to forgive because I knew he couldn't hurt me anymore. I think I can forgive my husband but its going to take me leaving or a whole lotta effort from him.


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