# Best Friend and Ex-Wife



## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Ok, I know this isn't technically an infidelity question, but I decided to post here anyway. I am hoping to get some peace and maybe some advice on how to handle this situation, so here goes.

My wife left me about two years ago. I had my issues in the marriage and did some things wrong, but wasn't abusive towards her. Maybe a little distant because of some ego issues that I had in the marriage. Mostly based on comments that she would say. Once again I need to stress that I am not putting all of the blame on her, but there were some things she did that really screwed me up.

So she left, asked for a divorce and after six months of trying every method and reading every book I could lay my hands on I gave up. That isn't to say that I didn't still love her at the time, but I did realize that it was over. We had no kids, only two cats (both of which I kept to her dismay, but I was essentially alone in the town we lived in). She moved back to our home town and moved in with my best friend who was also going through a divorce (his started about a year before she left). 

I know that most people would immediately see red flags, but I didn't. I didn't want to think that (although it was in the back of my mind somewhere from the start). I figured my best friend would be a help to getting us back together. Stupid, I know, but that's the way my naive mind thought back then. 

After two years of trying to get the divorce done (which she wanted and then threw up many different roadblocks to slow down the process), it finally happened a few months ago. At that point in time I was getting to a pretty good place in my life. Work was good, started to get some friends, spent time with my family, reconnected with my sister (who hated her, by the way). 

So now the real crux of the story. My divorce is final as of a few months ago, but she was holding up the quit claim on our (my) house. I got it in the divorce (she wouldn't have wanted it anyway since she already worked in our home town). This is still an issue since the paperwork was messed up and now she has to sign another one to get it completed. She got a big chunk of my retirement. I got the official notification of the transfer last week.

A few days after that happened, I received a text message from my friend. It stated that he was in love with my now ex-wife and that it was not the cause of either his or my divorce. He then proceeded to tell me that I could kick his ass if I wanted to and he wouldn't fight back.

Having been through some therapy after she left, I didn't even respond. I wasn't even that shocked. I think somewhere in my mind I had assumed that this would be the outcome. I figured the best thing to do was to not respond at all and immediately deleted him from all of my contacts. 

I spent the rest of the day with my parents and then went back to work the following day where I had a panic attack in a meeting. After calming down and talking with my sister, I felt a million times better and have been in a really good mood ever since. That was yesterday. Today I felt fine, but I had to clean up some more of the stuff on my computer related to him. My morbid curiosity led me to his facebook page where I saw one post from his parents that said "We are so proud of you and the great decisions you have made with your life" or something to that effect that was posted a mere three hours after he texted me.

Obviously one of two things happened, either engaged or pregnant. So fast forward to tonight. I don't feel that upset, but now I can't sleep which is why I am posting here in the wee hours of the morning. I was betrayed by two of the people that I trusted most in the world and while I am not angry or sad, I am panicked for some reason and can't sleep. I was in bed for almost an hour before I decided to get up and write this. I usually am asleep within 10 minutes. 

I don't really know what i expect from this, but I wonder if anyone else has some insight that would ease my mind. I can't help but think that this has been going on for a long time, maybe even before she left me. They had plenty of opportunities to see each other since she worked in the town where he lived. Am I crazy or is this just a normal part of the shock process I am going through. 

Sorry for the long post, I needed to get it out. Any comments would be appreciated.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

First, your ex-friend is almost certainly telling a lie. Yes it did have something to do with the divorce. He and your wife probably hooked up with each other long ago. So, yes, your instincts are probably correct here.

You did well in your response to your friend. Cut him off just as you did. He's no longer your friend. Get them completely out of your life. And don't respond to him. His email is his attempt to get the guilt off his chest. 

Your reaction is very normal. You loved your wife. She checked out and was probably involved with your friend during the divorce process. Someone you loved betrayed you. It takes time to get over that even if you've moved on.

Just keep goin'. You're doing pretty well. Let the two of them have their lives. You know that it's a lie, you know they've been involved with one another. Turn your back on them and go your own way.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

damionco said:


> Ok, I know this isn't technically an infidelity question, but I decided to post here anyway. I am hoping to get some peace and maybe some advice on how to handle this situation, so here goes.
> 
> My wife left me about two years ago. I had my issues in the marriage and did some things wrong, but wasn't abusive towards her. Maybe a little distant because of some ego issues that I had in the marriage. Mostly based on comments that she would say. Once again I need to stress that I am not putting all of the blame on her, but there were some things she did that really screwed me up.
> 
> ...


Talk to him. Ask him a few questions.(How long it has been going on ) There is nothing you can do now. If it is something that started after you broke up, there is nothing else to do about it either. They were just sh!tty friends

Who's idea was it to move your W into his place ?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

As hard as it is, you need to just let go of this and move on. you can't change this, so acceptance is the only way. 

Just be comforted by the fact that a relationship that seems to have been born out of lies and cheating will probably end with lies and cheating. 

Living your life well and finding a great woman is your best response/revenge.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. I am running on about four hours of sleep. I thought this was all behind me, but I am struggling with, as another poster on this site put it, "mental movies". Before this incident I didn't hint about her much, but now it is all I can think about. 

I can't speak to him. I would either punch him or break down and I don't wan to give him the satisfaction. It would let him off the hook and give her a reason to say, see, that's why I left him. I wish I hadn't even looked at that page. Part of me wanted to believe that his parents would have been upset at he whole thing, but I guess they are fine with their son marrying the ex-wife of his friend. 

Where is he justice in this world? She left, he betrayed me and they are moving on with their lives. Meanwhile I get to deal with this. Oh well, I guess that is the way it is. 

As far as who's idea it was to have her move in, she told me she was getting an apartment about two weeks after she left. I was talking with him about it and he offered to let her stay with him. And put in good words for me. Being an idiot I said ok and she agreed. 

I am just running on autopilot right now. It really affected my work last time, but I am hoping it doesn't this time.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

I wouldn't be in contact with either one of them again. Move on with your life and be glad they're not apart of it anymore.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think your response was correct. Just ignore the both of them. It will bother him that you did not response. The fact that you don't respond sends a clear message to him that you have moved on and that the both of them are not worth your time.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I think you are having panic attacks because you knew that they were having an A together and you've been pushing the emotion from the betrayal down in order to rug sweep your feelings. You need to deal with your greiving, and completely 180 on both of them.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Ovid said:


> I think you are having panic attacks because you knew that they were having an A together and you've been pushing the emotion from the betrayal down in order to rug sweep your feelings. You need to deal with your greiving, and completely 180 on both of them.


I think you are probably right. It really is painful thinking back over the past few years and wondering when this whole thing started. I went to two concerts with him in the last year. Was he going home to my wife after we went and did stuff together. I guess I will never know, but I have to deal with it. Nothing else I can do. It does feel really emasculating. It also makes me feel like I can't trust anyone. That's the part I think that really sucks. How do I look at someone else in the future and wonder if they aren't going to do the same thing.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, sorry to say this, but something was going on with them that you never saw. Because, quite frankly, you never looked because he was your friend and she was your wife. The two people you trusted most in life.

But, when she left, out of ALL the places that she could have gone to, ALL the people that could have helped her out; her parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters...she moves in with a married man AND your best friend. And don't you think it was odd that you were told that she was only going to be there two weeks and she never left? The thing was, two weeks was never the plan.

Dude, you got played. If I were you, I would suspect your friend making one last attempt to reach out to you. Sounds like the guilt is eating at him, your Ex could either give a damn or is too ashamed to face you. 

If they are in fact engaged. I would talk to a lawyer and see what your opinions are about getting your retirement money back. I would be damned if I was going to finance their wedding.

And if it wasn't the cause of either your or his divorce, then why offer up for you to kick his ass? By his logic, no one was at fault and no one is guilty. It's just something that happened. So, why put yourself out there to get beat up for no reason?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I agree. Talk to your lawyer about taking the ex back to court to get your retirement back on grounds of adultery. Even if you can't you can at lease raise a ruckus and make a big stink. It might flush her out and get her to admit to an affair .

As for the ex best friend? Have nothing more to do with him. He's scum. 

I agree you got played by both of them and I would bet most of your friends and family could see what was going on even though you were blind to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

He was never really your friend and neither was she. They had an affair and they screwed around while you were married that is a fact. Grown ups in those situations do that especially after that long of time. I would suggest you write him a no contact letter just for yourself. Short and simple. Get through it with your wife so you get the house then cut her out of your life. Block their numbers the friends immediately. Then you need to move on, get out more, work out, date. If you need advice on how to start doing these things again ask many people have been there and can help you. The Divorce sections might be a good place to ask for help with moving on as well.

The most important thing to take away is that you did nothing wrong. She probably did have something going on with him before she even moved out that is just playing the odds this looks like it was set up. You are a good man and you have nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. Use this site to find a way to a good life for YOURSELF.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

damionco said:


> I think you are probably right. It really is painful thinking back over the past few years and wondering when this whole thing started. I went to two concerts with him in the last year. Was he going home to my wife after we went and did stuff together. I guess I will never know, but I have to deal with it. Nothing else I can do. It does feel really emasculating. It also makes me feel like I can't trust anyone. That's the part I think that really sucks. How do I look at someone else in the future and wonder if they aren't going to do the same thing.


I would go back to your ex and tell her to come clean. The two of you are already divorced, so she may think she has nothing to lose, unless she is image conscious and does not want her friends and family knowing she cheated on you.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I suggest remembering the reasons you and your wife are no longer married. Obviously, there were things about her that you did not like and guess what, those are your x-best friend's issues now. Focus on the negative about her and relish in the fact that he has to deal with her and her BS now. Your slate is clean and you get to move on to bigger and better. One other tidbit...sloppy seconds never taste as good as the original bite. Hope he enjoys YOUR sloppy seconds.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I suggest remembering the reasons you and your wife are no longer married. Obviously, there were things about her that you did not like and guess what, those are your x-best friend's issues now. Focus on the negative about her and relish in the fact that he has to deal with her and her BS now. Your slate is clean and you get to move on to bigger and better. One other tidbit...sloppy seconds never taste as good as the original bite. Hope he enjoys YOUR sloppy seconds.


Brokenhearted, did you know you bear a striking resemblance to Marie Osmond?


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Self-inflicted wound looking at that page huh? I know all about that. Don't touch the fire, it's hot. Wretched Facebook, I hate it. 

Now you have to heal again, although in my experience it'll be much easier this time. You've already walked through the horror of it all, this is just a set back in comparison. 

Who cares what they are doing now. They deserve each other. For me, the greatest revenge of all is my husband ending up with Rodent Girl. I hope they torment each other all the way to hell and back ... and they surely will. 

Yes, you're going to lose some sleep, maybe even for a couple of weeks, but you are pretty much free and clear. Open yourself up to your new life and watch the stepping stones appear before you.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

First of all, thanks to everyone for posting. I appreciate all of the feedback. It has made me feel better about what is happening to me right now. I say to me because I spent a lot of time during the first year of the divorce thinking about what I did and didn't do. A lot of my time was spent blaming myself for everything that went wrong. This time around I know this part wasn't my fault. My only sin was naivete.

Spent the afternoon with a colleague of mine from work. She is currently trying to motivate herself to kick her fiance out. Before anyone says anything, this is strictly platonic and she only brought it up because I was talking about my situation. Plus, in my position (I am support staff for faculty at a college) I would never cross those boundaries either. Too much headache if something doesn't work out. I realized that it felt good to just be myself and not worry about what someone else thinks. Whether I can carry that forward is another story, but it's a start.

I'm sticking with no contact. They can have each other. It just proves that they are both horrible people, not for "falling in love" but for how they handled the situation. My philosophy has and will always be that if someone is in a relationship of any kind, they are off limits. So obviously that is not the case for them.

As far as the retirement, I'm never seeing that again. The state I live in is a true "no-fault" divorce state. She got half of everything (and probably then some because I was a bit of a wuss when it came to valuation). I'm never seeing that money again, but I have the nice house, and even though I am in debt, my parents are helping me out of that. I will be debt free except for the house, my truck and my student loans. If she follows the same pattern she did with me, they will be in debt up to their eyeballs within a year or two. 

I like to picture the last scene with Sharon Stone in Casino. Here's hoping!

The next scary step in my life is dating. I didn't do much of it when I was younger, in fact, she was my first serious relationship. Now I'm in my thirties and wondering what the heck I am supposed to do about finding someone else when I am ready. It's all an ego thing. Can't see anyone wanting me, but I am sure that isn't the case. Probably some intense fear of rejection as well. 

This has helped. I guess I will see if a wedding announcement comes out some time soon. They have to wait until July to do it. Rule of the state and all.

One more thing, I found this song that I think pretty much describes how I am feeling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x7UaAMn9Qw


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

LostViking said:


> I agree. Talk to your lawyer about taking the ex back to court to get your retirement back on grounds of adultery. Even if you can't you can at lease raise a ruckus and make a big stink. It might flush her out and get her to admit to an affair .
> 
> As for the ex best friend? Have nothing more to do with him. He's scum.
> 
> ...


You are right, but I didn't want to hear it. Most of the friends I talked to told me straight out that she was messing around with him. I defended both of them. Kind of makes me feel like even more of a sucker for standing up for both of them. The good thing is that they are an hour away from me. So as long as I don't go there, I won't ever have to see them.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

damionco said:


> You are right, but I didn't want to hear it. Most of the friends I talked to told me straight out that she was messing around with him. I defended both of them. Kind of makes me feel like even more of a sucker for standing up for both of them. The good thing is that they are an hour away from me. So as long as I don't go there, I won't ever have to see them.


You hurt because his email forced you to admit what you have been denying. That the OM was doing your WW. You no longer can ignore the affair that your gut was feeling.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op you are better off without either one of them in your life. There is a lesson here though as well. Never let your wife move in with another man as nothing good will come of it. 

In case you have not figured it out. He is most certainly not your friend and is not worth your time or mental energy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

OP: the only thing I would even bother to respond to your ex-friend is something like, 

I'm so glad you "took care" of my wife she moved away. I hope I never meet a "true friend" like you again. Oh, and don't ever both contacting me again.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

They deserve one another and neither one of them deserves you.

They were manipulating you so that they wouldn't have to look to the outside world like the disloyal people that they are and so that they could lie to themselves, at least a little, about what they were doing. It seems obvious that they were together before she left you.

Panic attacks often come from unresolved processing of trauma. You've been traumatized throughout this process, but only recently have a clear understanding of the source of the trauma. Go with that and face it down. Get some counseling. You finally have at least some truth to help you process it all.

When people are managed and manipulated so that other people can assuage their consciences or safeguard their reputations, it's extremely disorienting. It's a form of gaslighting, in my opinion. The manipulators, though, are actually just cowards. If they have any real conscience themselves, your ex friend and wife both know deep down inside that they are not honorable people. That is the truth that they must live with.

Someone here already said that the best revenge is living well. You can do that because you were honest in all of this. They now have to live with themselves. For your part, look ahead as much as you can to make a better life for yourself without these two unfaithful people in it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

damionco said:


> You are right, but I didn't want to hear it. Most of the friends I talked to told me straight out that she was messing around with him. I defended both of them. Kind of makes me feel like even more of a sucker for standing up for both of them. The good thing is that they are an hour away from me. So as long as I don't go there, I won't ever have to see them.


You are a good guy with a good heart, who did not want to believe his two best friends in his life would betray him.

But they did, and you need to expose them even if you cannot prove it. Your reputation has already taken a big hit. Most of your family, her family and all your mutual friends most likely assumed you knew of their affair, but for some reason you did nothing to stop it. Hate to say that, but this is probably what they thought, and you need to talk to them and start doing some image repair if you want them to respect you in the future.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

damionco said:


> Where is he justice in this world? She left, he betrayed me and they are moving on with their lives. Meanwhile I get to deal with this. Oh well, I guess that is the way it is.


4 hours sleep? Thats normal for me. LOL. Wait till you find Mrs Damionco v2.0 and have kids. Yes, statistically you will marry again. Women, it hurts so bad because they can make us feel so good...

>Vanguard Living your life well and finding a great woman is your best response/revenge. <

The best revenge is a younger hotter girlfriend. Make sure some of your friends who still have her friended on FB tag you so she can see you new fvckbuddy.

Oh and in a few months. Random poon is SUPERGLUE for your shattered ego. Once a random hottie fixes your ego, your heart will heal much much faster.

Edit: BTW Alte is ever the font of wisdom. You have PTSD. Clearly. See your doctor. You wont be his first case of this.

BTW what state? Their infidelity might or might not matter.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> The best revenge is a younger hotter girlfriend. Make sure some of your friends who still have her friended on FB tag you so she can see you new fvckbuddy.
> 
> Oh and in a few months. Random poon is SUPERGLUE for your shattered ego. Once a random hottie fixes your ego, your heart will heal much much faster.


Yep. Best way to get over a woman is to get under another one.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

The thing you should be considering is that they both know they are cheaters, and they both know what the other is capable of. Their relationship has a 3% chance of success statistically for one simple reason. They know they can't be trusted. 

I guarantee they will have a miserable relationship. Your XW may even attempt to come crawling back when she realizes how badly she screwed up and what a piece of crap she traded you for.

Your job is to hit the weights, and pack on some muscle, lose any excess weight, and gain a hotter younger woman. Maybe just date a bunch of hotter younger women. Make sure when she comes crawling back you're happy she left and have too many better options to ever consider her as one of them. Let her see she has no chance and lost the best she could have had.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> Wretched Facebook, I hate it.


:smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I think I agree with Bandit. Even though you don't have to expose far and wide, telling both of your families about how the two of them were having an affair behind your back which you ignored is something I would do.

It clears the situation and it helps to restore your own name. It also can represent you response to the OM's email: rather than responding to him directly, you can respond to him indirectly by exposing.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Better day today. Still not sleeping well, but not having any kind of panic attacks. It's only been a few days, but I think I'm handling it better. I decided to try out g gym membership today . There was a deal for Anytime Fitness online, so I signed up for a cheap month. I guess we will see how that goes. 

My ego is still bruised, but I am starting to feel like they deserve each other and I am in full on no-contact mode. I did check the local paper for engagement announcements. Gotta stop doing that. I honestly think that she is probably thrilled that things are moving quickly. Two of the things that she complained about before we were married were that we dated for so long and that I didn't buy her a bigger diamond. I sacrificed size for quality and also bought her a platinum ring. Looking back, I should have gotten her a cheap gold ring. Especially since she got that ring with no credit towards the settlement because it was a pre-marital gift. I kinda think that is BS.

When he bought his, then fiance, her ring it was 1.5 karats, but was a bad color and had lots of flaws. So I am sure she is walking around with a big rock on her finger. Probably sold my ring that I paid for to get it. I had to buy my own wedding ring in addition to hers. WTF?! I should have cut and run when she wouldn't even pony up for a titanium ring that cost 90 bucks. On top of it, I can even sell or destroy the ring. Maybe I should throw it in the river.

I think that this weekend is going to be a purge weekend. I'm going to dig out all of the photos and get rid of any that have her in them. My friend has a fire pit, probably just burn them up.

Thanks again to everyone. I am still going forward at this point. We'll see how things go when the weekend comes and I have nothing to do but think. Probably should get that membership going asap so that I can go and take out my aggression on something other than myself.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I think I agree with Bandit. Even though you don't have to expose far and wide, telling both of your families about how the two of them were having an affair behind your back which you ignored is something I would do.
> 
> It clears the situation and it helps to restore your own name. It also can represent you response to the OM's email: rather than responding to him directly, you can respond to him indirectly by exposing.


My parents already know. They didn't have a very high opinion of her after she left and they really don't like her now. My father is not an emotional man, but my mom said he was upset by the fact that I was going through this and said I didn't deserve this kind of treatment. 

As for her parents, as far as I know she is not talking to them, although this might change things. She apparently stopped talking to them about 9 months ago. No idea why, but my hope is that she told them about him and they finally decided to tell her that she was doing something stupid. She was the kind of kid who got everything she wanted and her parents didn't tell her no. Once again, should have seen this coming. How is it that we can see all of the warning signs and still not see the Sword of Damocles hanging above our heads.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sorry you are here brother... Hit the gym. Don't overdue it on the first few days because you will get really sore if you aren't used to it.

It will help you release the bad energy and tire your body. It will also help you look better for dating. There are lots of nice pretty girls out there. You will find one. Be confident.

Don't pay them any mind. Don't wonder what they are doing. Don't try to find out. Just move on. It's hard but you will find a nice girl and it will get easier.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I thought about doing some really nasty stuff today. Like writing a list of all the people he knows that she slept with before we got together. Granted it isn't a huge list persay, but there are a few names that I think would mess with his head. It certainly messed with mine. 

Which brings up the question, why do we ask and why do they tell us? We don't really want to know. In my case, she volunteered some that I wish I had never known about. 

I won't send it, it's just one of those little revenge fantasies that we all have I am sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

damionco said:


> I thought about doing some really nasty stuff today. Like writing a list of all the people he knows that she slept with before we got together. Granted it isn't a huge list persay, but there are a few names that I think would mess with his head. It certainly messed with mine.
> 
> Which brings up the question, why do we ask and why do they tell us? We don't really want to know. In my case, she volunteered some that I wish I had never known about.
> 
> I won't send it, it's just one of those little revenge fantasies that we all have I am sure.



Gawd I wish I had the answer to that question! For years my hb would periodically bring up inappropriate details about exes, things I never asked about and had no interest in. I finally exploded, gave him lots of details of my past I knew he didn't want, then told him the next time it came up I was going to get him a cookie because clearly he was looking for a pat on the back. It's been a couple of years now since he's brought anything up so maybe he got the message. Ironically, even though people often do this to make themselves look better it can have the effect of lowering your opinion of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Welsh TXN (Feb 4, 2012)

damionco, 

I feel for you bud i had a friend well not really a friend (POSOM) going through seperation and wanting to file for divorce, but couldn't afford it because he works a ****ty job and has no money lives in work housing, well I was there for him letting him comeover cookiing steaks buying beer and golf rounds for him, well it turned out my exW was helping him get over her a little more than talking to him (lol) I can laugh at it now, but couldn't to start with i was angry nearly killed him when i walked in on them in my bedroom him cowering in the corner, I went for my gun but he ran out of the house in that time, thank god he did otherwise i could have been sitting on death row being in texas, anyways as many others have said the best way to get your self back is work out, find a slump buster and then find a young hotter woman, its the best revenge, thank god i did not have kids with this woman i can go forward and have kids with a better woman im 33 years old and have found a girl who is beautiful, (it did help moving to a college town though LOL) well the ex MIL and Ex family have tried to contact me and i blank them because they denied the truth and told me i was insane and their sister or daughter would not cheat she took her vows seriously i had evidence and they still said i was insane. 

but go forth and find that younger hotter girl and you will be happy in the future they are out there she will come along when you least expect it thats what happened to me. 

live love and be the best you can be


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

damionco said:


> ... she complained about before we were married were.... that I didn't buy her a bigger diamond.


These few words say it all, OP.

Look to your future and find yourself a quality woman, someone who understands what's important in a relationship.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

damionco said:


> You are right, but I didn't want to hear it. Most of the friends I talked to told me straight out that she was messing around with him. I defended both of them. Kind of makes me feel like even more of a sucker for standing up for both of them. The good thing is that they are an hour away from me. So as long as I don't go there, I won't ever have to see them.


View this as a good turn of events. With this email, you are forced to deal with things and move forward on healing, as opposed to it popping up another time. It sucks, but you were going to have to deal with this eventually.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

damionco said:


> Better day today. Still not sleeping well, but not having any kind of panic attacks. It's only been a few days, but I think I'm handling it better. I decided to try out g gym membership today . There was a deal for Anytime Fitness online, so I signed up for a cheap month. I guess we will see how that goes.
> 
> *Excellent start to getting back out in the rest of the world. :smthumbup:*
> 
> ...


You're well on your way, and doing great considering all you've been through.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

UGH hate the complaining about diamond size. I was poor when I bought my wife her diamond. To her credit she never complained.

> I sacrificed size for quality<

Me too. I *STILL* remember having the two final diamonds in front of me. The one she has is (Yes I still remember, .54 ct, G, VS1) She gets compliments on how well that little rock catches the light.

The other was right over 1 ct. I color, and I3.

Anyway. Hoping the path forward gets less rocky.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Welsh TXN said:


> thank god i did not have kids with this woman i can go forward and have kids with a better woman
> 
> well the ex MIL and Ex family have tried to contact me and i blank them because they denied the truth and told me i was insane and their sister or daughter would not cheat she took her vows seriously i had evidence and they still said i was insane.


Amen to that. We didn't have kids either and I am so relieved at this point. When it was just her leaving I was sad about it (because I stupidly thought it might have brought us back together). Now that I know what I know I feel like I dodged the biggest bullet of my life. Having to see her with that scumbag while picking up kids would have made me go off the rails. He's also just the kind of douche that would probably have had them calling him dad. While I don't know how that would feel, I can say I empathize with anyone who would have to go through that.

Sorry you had to go through all of that with her. It was bad enough for me knowing that he had come over to my house and acted like my friend while he was hooking up with my wife. I can't even imagine if he had been living with us. I don't know if I could have controlled myself. At least you came out better on the other side.

Why is it that the in-laws of the cheating spouse/leaving spouse always want to stay in contact. My MIL and FIL keep sending me letters and cards. I bumped into them at one point and my MIL said, "you'll always be our son". What a load. I noticed that when she left, they didn't fight hard to have her go to counseling with me or try to work on the marriage. I got all of five minutes of defense from them and then they said, "whatever you want". My parents would have kicked my a** up and down and told me to get back in there and work it out. 

Yet another reason why we were probably not a great match.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I have been listening to an audiobook called "Attempting Normal" by a comedian named Marc Maron. He has been divorced twice and talks about it in the book. One of the things he said about his first wife really resonated with me. He said (and I am paraphrasing here of course), "I married her because I didn't know how to break up with her".

That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I really think that is why I married my EW. I should have seen it coming, but I just didn't and I really think that she wanted to marry me, not out of love, but out of the idea and she thought that with my education she would get a meal ticket. She used to say things like, "I wish you made more money so that I didn't have to work and could go back to school". Never mind that I have free credits because I work for a University and she started taking some classes, but of course gave up when they got too hard. She was probably reaching for something that she lost a long time ago when she dropped out. She had lots of those lofty ambitions, with little follow-through.

I think that now she thinks that she is marrying a successful business owner, never mind that he couldn't keep it running through the recession and constantly complained that he was losing clients because everyone else undercharged and undercut his bids. Never said anything to him at the time, but maybe everyone else was doing that because he was charging too much. I really hope he gets a few clients and she starts spending his money and puts him in the poor house, I will be laughing my a** off if that happens.

Sorry, kinda think I'm hitting the anger stage at this point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually, it is an infidelity question.

This is your former friend and your ex-wife:-










They have being using léger de main, or sleight of hand for many years.



> *"And ladies and gentlemen, you will notice that at no time did my hands ever leave the end of my my wrists..."*


I think you were played. Because, yeah, sure, somehow, by chance, the only room at the Inn wasn't in the manger, but in your so-called best friend's bed? 

Yaa! coincidence, fer sure...


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

MattMatt,

I agree. I'm a big fan of Penn and Teller and went to one of their shows recently. They said that magic works because people are willing to be fooled. I guess that explains why so many of us get our proverbial butts handed to us in these situations. I don't think there is anyone more trusting than a spouse just before they find out that their SO is stepping out on them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welsh TXN said:


> damionco,
> 
> I feel for you bud i had a friend well not really a friend (POSOM) going through seperation and wanting to file for divorce, but couldn't afford it because he works a ****ty job and has no money lives in work housing, well I was there for him letting him comeover cookiing steaks buying beer and golf rounds for him, well it turned out my exW was helping him get over her a little more than talking to him (lol) I can laugh at it now, but couldn't to start with i was angry nearly killed him when i walked in on them in my bedroom him cowering in the corner, I went for my gun but he ran out of the house in that time, thank god he did otherwise i could have been sitting on death row being in texas, anyways as many others have said the best way to get your self back is work out, find a slump buster and then find a young hotter woman, its the best revenge, thank god i did not have kids with this woman i can go forward and have kids with a better woman im 33 years old and have found a girl who is beautiful, (it did help moving to a college town though LOL) well the ex MIL and Ex family have tried to contact me and i blank them because they denied the truth and told me i was insane and their sister or daughter would not cheat she took her vows seriously i had evidence and they still said i was insane.
> 
> ...


That's another sad tale, Welsh TXN. BTW... croeso!:smthumbup:


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You could just write your own story of what happened and stick with it. She betrayed you, she had sex with other men, she gave up on the marriage a long time ago and just did not tell you.Some Woman really have no honor.

On the good side, your life will be better without this dishonorable POS at your side. Think of the CRAZY things she COULD have done to you and be glad that she is gone and your can find someone better. Just my 2 cents David


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'd just move on knowing how bad it will be for them once they start cheating on each other. Hitting the weights will help with that.

If you ever feel the need to reply to your "friend" just say "With all of her other affairs I don't see why she would have been faithful to me with you." Then never talk to him again. He already knows she's a cheat, so that would just give his imagination something to run with.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Ovid said:


> I'd just move on knowing how bad it will be for them once they start cheating on each other. Hitting the weights will help with that.
> 
> If you ever feel the need to reply to your "friend" just say "With all of her other affairs I don't see why she would have been faithful to me with you." Then never talk to him again. He already knows she's a cheat, so that would just give his imagination something to run with.


Here's my question. Let's suppose that nothing happened before she left. I know, wishful thinking, but I'm just throwing this out there. I don't believe that it is ok to start dating anyone until the ink is dry on the papers. Maybe I'm just old fashioned in that way (and believe me, I am not that way with most things, I have very liberal views). I won't even date anyone at this point because my marriage needs to be annulled by the Catholic Church at this point. This will probably help the cause. 

So, is it just me, or do others feel the same way. Just wondering if I am in the minority.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I have always been in the
once you fully file D go ahead and date camp. Varies by state. Oddly in states where you are protected from your cheating spouse getting alimony are often the ones that require you to wait until its final. Meaning up to a year or two of no sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd simply the tell both of them, maybe on fb, they deserve one another and that they should keep a close eye on each other because if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. So the only question is which of them is going to be first one this time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And I'd be letting everyone know just what kind of friend he never was and why in detail.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

What did my wife tell me tonight? "Yes David, you ARE the shiniest of the two turds!" What! Say that again! SouthPark Rules!


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I had another panic attack yesterday. Not as bad as the first few, but I felt my heart start going and the adrenaline kick in. Came very close to visiting the fb pages again. I know it won't make me feel good, I know I will just get more upset and kick off another episode, but for some reason I still want to go there and see. 

Found something the other day in my office/junk room. I totally forgot that he loaned me his guitar shortly after she left. I was going to try and learn to play it in my "free time" that appeared when she bolted. So that is now my consolation prize in this whole deal. A sh**y guitar. It may be time for some destructive therapy.

Still have those feelings pop up, I've got to get rid of some of this stuff. Ebay the junk she gave me that is worth anything and donate or destroy the rest. Just feeling lonely today. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. All of my friends are either busy or ill. Maybe I will spend the day with Dexter Season 7. Hope everyone else's day is better than mine.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

damionco said:


> Here's my question. Let's suppose that nothing happened before she left. I know, wishful thinking, but I'm just throwing this out there. I don't believe that it is ok to start dating anyone until the ink is dry on the papers. Maybe I'm just old fashioned in that way (and believe me, I am not that way with most things, I have very liberal views). I won't even date anyone at this point because my marriage needs to be annulled by the Catholic Church at this point. This will probably help the cause.
> 
> So, is it just me, or do others feel the same way. Just wondering if I am in the minority.


I'm in the camp you don't date your buddys ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

damionco said:


> I had another panic attack yesterday. Not as bad as the first few, but I felt my heart start going and the adrenaline kick in. Came very close to visiting the fb pages again. I know it won't make me feel good, I know I will just get more upset and kick off another episode, but for some reason I still want to go there and see.
> 
> Found something the other day in my office/junk room. I totally forgot that he loaned me his guitar shortly after she left. I was going to try and learn to play it in my "free time" that appeared when she bolted. So that is now my consolation prize in this whole deal. A sh**y guitar. It may be time for some destructive therapy.
> 
> Still have those feelings pop up, I've got to get rid of some of this stuff. Ebay the junk she gave me that is worth anything and donate or destroy the rest. Just feeling lonely today. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. All of my friends are either busy or ill. Maybe I will spend the day with Dexter Season 7. Hope everyone else's day is better than mine.


Panic attacks suck... I've had one or two, but my wife and her daughter seem to have them more often. Not common but damn, they suck. 

You know, I don't imagine anyone would loan out a great guitar, but look it up on eBay and see what folks are selling them for. What the hell, get some dating money in your pocket! :smthumbup:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For the guitar

Option 1. Return it smashed in a million pieces
Option 2. Return it with "cheating bask stabbing piece of a$$" scratched on every part of it over and over.
Option 3. Do option 2, take photo , post on fb, then of option 1.
Option 4. Sell it on eBay.


But no way should his guitar or any other possession on his go back to him. His betrayal is incredibly deep. It's very obvious they were cheating before she left you and just happened to move in with him.

Yeah right.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> For the guitar
> 
> Option 1. Return it smashed in a million pieces
> Option 2. Return it with "cheating bask stabbing piece of a$$" scratched on every part of it over and over.
> ...


Give to an orphanage or something if you don't want to play it and instead only want to destroy it. Unless you thin you're Pete Townsend.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ebay it


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, you need to get away for a little bit. 

If I were you, I would take a minivacation somewhere. Just get out of there. Get out of the norm and get away from things that are going to remind you of them. 

You need to see something new, go somewhere warm and has a beach. Decompress and relax. 

Just get out of there for a bit and clear your head.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I haven't decided what to do with the guitar yet. It is an epiphone, but a cheap model. It would feel so good to rip that thing to shreds. To bad I'm not in a band, I could scratch those words on it and then use it when I played the song I would write about them. 

What will probably happen is I will post a flyer in the music department at the University. Sell it for a few bucks and have it over with. I also have a 72 key electronic keyboard that my dad gave to her as a present that she said she didn't want. I was going to do the same with that since she didn't take it and I don't play. Funny how she told me that my parents didn't make her feel like part of the family and yet my father gave her what was about a 500 dollar keyboard for no reason than he got a professional electric piano and knew that she played the piano and didn't have one. 

Ahhh, vacation. That would be nice. Kind of wish I would have found out about his before i went to Vegas for a conference about a month ago. Probably would have partied a little harder. Can't really afford to goon any kind of vacation. Plus summer is really busy for me at work. Guess I will see what happens. There has been no further contact since that first message. Don't know which is worse, knowing or not knowing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Panic often comes because of trauma and fear. You haven't had any control over what happened with your divorce and now you feel like you were lied to and manipulated by both your W and your supposed bf.

I can tell you what I would do to take some control. I realize that there will be other posters weighing in to say you shouldn't have any contact, so this is just what I would do & not advice per se:

I would text him back and say - "I don't need to kick your ass. I know everything, going way back. What goes around comes around all on its own without any help from me."


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Chances are you will get no confession from your ex. You are a non-entity to her now. She pulled the wool over your eyes and conned you into a divorce to hide her adultery. Walk away knowing you did nothing wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, it is an infidelity question.
> 
> This is your former friend and your ex-wife:-
> 
> ...


Beautiful, they hold all the cards!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Contact his ex and ask her if she had any inkling that something was going on. Also talk to any of the friends who discussed it with you before and get a timeline of their suspicions.

If the evidence overwhelmingly points to them having an affair prior to her leaving, I would inform them both by e-mail that you know what they did and what scum they are. Then inform any and all mutual friends and your families of your discoveries.

I believe dirtbags should be known far and wide for their disgusting behavior. Any friends that cling to them or offer justifications should be dead to you as well. 

Do you really want to associate with anyone who would approve of their garbage?


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I pretty much have no contact with any of her or his friends anymore. Not that there were that many to begin with. The fact that we are separated by 50 miles is the main reason. All of our mutual friends live in the same town as her. So I am sure she has already told them what a horrible person I am and why she left me/got engaged to a wonderful person etc. 

So I don't think there is going to be any kind of reckoning there. I don't really have any way of confirming any of this. All of the friends I still have, have had no contact with her since she left. I am left with the fact that I will probably never know. I don't want to open any gates for them to contact me. I just want to be done with this. I want to stop feeling this way and forget about it. I have been saying nasty things out loud (to myself) about her and him. I guess that is about all I can do at this point.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Nothing wrong with walking away. Just take what you've learned and apply it to future relationships. You've learned a hard lesson about passivity and its ramifications. Don't be ashamed. Just use what you have learned from this. Never let anyone pull the wool over your eyes again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

damionco said:


> I pretty much have no contact with any of her or his friends anymore. Not that there were that many to begin with. The fact that we are separated by 50 miles is the main reason. All of our mutual friends live in the same town as her. So I am sure she has already told them what a horrible person I am and why she left me/got engaged to a wonderful person etc.
> 
> So I don't think there is going to be any kind of reckoning there. I don't really have any way of confirming any of this. All of the friends I still have, have had no contact with her since she left. I am left with the fact that I will probably never know. I don't want to open any gates for them to contact me. I just want to be done with this. I want to stop feeling this way and forget about it. I have been saying nasty things out loud (to myself) about her and him. I guess that is about all I can do at this point.


You take your chips and move on with your life. The only reason someone would remain in such a position is if they were getting something truly benefitial out of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So sorry to hear this happened. 

I would find it very doubtful if something did NOT go on between before she left you.

Most men (and women) respect their "best friend" enough to have not said "best friend's" partner/spouse/girlfriend move in with them while they are going through a devastating break up/separation/divorce. That is why I think something was probably a happening between them.

It speaks to his and her character that they could be so remiss of your feelings. 

It's up to you with how to proceed. You could either ask him how long it was going on/if it was going on and try to get answers OR you could just totally blank them and never speak to either of them again.

Are you in contact with his ex wife? If so, try to get info from her and see. She may tell you that his relationship with your ex wife was detrimental to their marriage/caused the divorce. Or not. Who knows but I think that the numbers stack up in the favor of something going on between them.

It is one of the worst betrayals: best friend and spouse hooking up.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a hot lady to kiss and make out with soon. And peace.

You really do not need either of them in your life. And this guy, he was never your friend. A true friend would never do what he did. 

I personally think his betrayal of you was worse than hers. Because lovers/partners come and go but friends are the ones who are supposed to be there throughout it all.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

damionco said:


> I pretty much have no contact with any of her or his friends anymore. Not that there were that many to begin with. The fact that we are separated by 50 miles is the main reason. All of our mutual friends live in the same town as her. So I am sure she has already told them what a horrible person I am and why she left me/got engaged to a wonderful person etc.
> 
> So I don't think there is going to be any kind of reckoning there. I don't really have any way of confirming any of this. All of the friends I still have, have had no contact with her since she left. I am left with the fact that I will probably never know. I don't want to open any gates for them to contact me._* I just want to be done with this. I want to stop feeling this way and forget about it. I have been saying nasty things out loud (to myself) about her and him. I guess that is about all I can do at this point.*_


Your emotions are completely understandable,. A best friend sneaking around and running off with your wife is about one of the worst mind f**s a man can endure. But you have to figure out a way to get over it. Those two globs of human waste have done enough damage to you. Don't let them do any more. Seek therapy for example. A good therapist can teach you some tools that you can use to help yourself move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could block them both from your Facebook


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Out them on Facebook. State that if they ever cross paths he is going to have to explain why there is a guitar handle protruding from his rear. The one he left for you to practice with while he diddled your wife.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You could block them both from your Facebook


That is great idea. Out them on FB then block them. Have the last word then tell them both to fark off, what come around goes around.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I'm not in contact with his ex. Wouldn't even know where to go to find out where she went. I have already blocked than both on FB, but had to uninstall the FB app from my ipad because even after that it still showed his avatar in my favorite contacts. Thanks facebook! I already checked and there is no way to remove it. 

I feel like such an a**. Here I am waiting for all of this divorce stuff to be over with out of some misguided feeling of my betrayal towards her and she is sleeping with him. People suck. Too wrapped up in their own stuff to give a crap about anyone else. I know not everyone is this way, but it seems like that is all I am surrounded by these days.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seems very odd that there wouldn't be a way to remove/delete that. Can you just delete your Favorites?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wish I had the magic words to make it better but time and no contact are the only things that are going to help you.

Really try to not communicate w/ them unless you want to.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Wish I had the magic words to make it better but time and no contact are the only things that are going to help you.e
> 
> Really try to not communicate w/ them unless you want to.


I agree. They have sucked enough energy from him.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's probably been covered but lifting weights really helps. Not only does it clear your emotions for a little bit it adds to your appearance after a bit, and makes you feel a little better about yourself.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I did buy a one month membership to Anytime Fitness. It was a local deal here in my home town. Haven't activated it yet. Throughout this process of separation, divorce, and now this, I have tried to get something going to start working out (more than just some cardio). When she left the first time I lost about 60 pounds. I still have a ways to go, but I need to get started on it soon.

Anyone know a good site on the Internet that has some basic routines for someone who has never done this before. I used to be in good shape (before we got married and she sucked out my soul), but I have never done anything but cardio. My total exposure to upper body is pretty much lifting trays of food when I was working as a server during college. Had a friend back then who wanted me to work out with him, but it was all dead lift and I ended up with stretch marks on my shoulders. I don't think he knew what he was doing even if he said he did. 

Any help would be appreciated. I am just a total beginner with this and don't want to end up screwing my self up more by doing it wrong.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Bodybuilder + google, you'll learn everything you need too.

Essentially what you need to do are different phases of cutting/bulking. Focus on one thing at a time, losing fat or gaining muscle. 

So since your trying to lose fat, continue to do cardio, try and get 30 minutes a day. HIIT(google this) is what you should be doing, sprinting for a minute jogging for a minute, as you lose more fat and gain more stamina you can increase your speeds.

The most important thing is diet, you can't eat any crap at all, lots of water, no other liquid whatsoever. Eat lots of fruit, lean meat like chicken/fish, buy some protein for after your workout, even if its just cardio.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Damionco (I like your username handle, btw), definitely hit the gym. Exercise releases endorphins. It's one of the best things you can do for your mind and body, especially at a time like this. It will help you get your mind off what happened and make you fee rejuvenated.

Most fitness places offer a free session (or more) with a personal trainer. Ask your fitness place if they have a service like that or go up to one of the trainers and tell them what you want to achieve and ask them to give you pointers.

The internet is a good source of information too. Google away!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I use musclehack.com with good results.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well. Anytime Fitness, some locations have Personal Trainers. Although, sometimes they can be pricey. About 30-40 and hour. So, you could meet with a PT and he or she can set you up with a training program that is best suited for you. And you just meet once a week and he or she will put you through a training session and also gage your progress.

Or if you can swing it, have him or her for 2-3 session a week. They bust your ass and keep you motivated to meet your personal goals. 

But, if you don't know what you're doing, then I strongly recommend that you go that route first.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

damionco said:


> You are right, but I didn't want to hear it. Most of the friends I talked to told me straight out that she was messing around with him. I defended both of them. Kind of makes me feel like even more of a sucker for standing up for both of them. The good thing is that they are an hour away from me. So as long as I don't go there, I won't ever have to see them.


There is something to be said for love making you blind.

But why did you let it make you deaf and stupid?

You were TOLD and you ignored it?

This is a serious character flaw in yourself and you need to fix it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And I'd be letting everyone know just what kind of friend he never was and why in detail.


You should gain the reputation you earn.

He has earned a sh*ty one. Please protect your other friends, family and colleagues by informing them of exactly what kind of friend he is.

He will...of course say they fell in love afterwards.

Whatever. Just the fact he moved her into his house tout suite says quite a bit about what kind of scum he is.


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

damionco said:


> I did buy a one month membership to Anytime Fitness. It was a local deal here in my home town. Haven't activated it yet. Throughout this process of separation, divorce, and now this, I have tried to get something going to start working out (more than just some cardio). When she left the first time I lost about 60 pounds. I still have a ways to go, but I need to get started on it soon.
> 
> Anyone know a good site on the Internet that has some basic routines for someone who has never done this before. I used to be in good shape (before we got married and she sucked out my soul), but I have never done anything but cardio. My total exposure to upper body is pretty much lifting trays of food when I was working as a server during college. Had a friend back then who wanted me to work out with him, but it was all dead lift and I ended up with stretch marks on my shoulders. I don't think he knew what he was doing even if he said he did.
> 
> Any help would be appreciated. I am just a total beginner with this and don't want to end up screwing my self up more by doing it wrong.


P90X my friend. Works wonders if you stick to the regime.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I have been playing around with what to do about this situation. While the chances are good that I won't end up saying anything and just letting it go, I do have some serious moments where I think about getting some kind of revenge. Nothing physical (of course). I am not going to jail for anyone. They aren't worth it, but my brain keeps rolling around elaborate plans to throw a wrench in their relationship. 

The only thing that sucks about all of my plans is not knowing the effect it would have. I would be so nice to be a fly on the wall when the bombshell was dropped, but that can never happen. I will probably just end up taking the high road and hope that she does to him what she did to me. She really liked to spend like we had about twice as much money as we actually did. The funny part was that she would always tell me that I was spending too much. I would come home with a tv show on dvd that was on sale for about half of what it normally cost and she would freak out. In the meantime, she was buying jewelry (not costume by the way) all the time because it was "a good deal" and she ended up not even wearing most of it. 

I do feel like writing a letter to her parents and telling them to not contact me again. I hope that her very Christian parents are suitably horrified by her actions, though there is no guarantee in that either. So be it, at least I would have gotten some feelings off my chest and hopefully made them too embarrassed to speak to me. They are not bad people, but I just want them to leave me alone.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

damionco said:


> I have been playing around with what to do about this situation. While the chances are good that I won't end up saying anything and just letting it go, I do have some serious moments where I think about getting some kind of revenge. Nothing physical (of course). I am not going to jail for anyone. They aren't worth it, but my brain keeps rolling around elaborate plans to throw a wrench in their relationship.
> 
> The only thing that sucks about all of my plans is not knowing the effect it would have. I would be so nice to be a fly on the wall when the bombshell was dropped, but that can never happen. I will probably just end up taking the high road and hope that she does to him what she did to me. She really liked to spend like we had about twice as much money as we actually did. The funny part was that she would always tell me that I was spending too much. I would come home with a tv show on dvd that was on sale for about half of what it normally cost and she would freak out. In the meantime, she was buying jewelry (not costume by the way) all the time because it was "a good deal" and she ended up not even wearing most of it.
> 
> I do feel like writing a letter to her parents and telling them to not contact me again. I hope that her very Christian parents are suitably horrified by her actions, though there is no guarantee in that either. So be it, at least I would have gotten some feelings off my chest and hopefully made them too embarrassed to speak to me. They are not bad people, but I just want them to leave me alone.


It might be part of your healing to write this letter. THEY have some guilt by association so they want to be friendly to you to show their family isn't all feckless cheaters. They probably don't understand what it is doing to you.

Every friend you have back in that town already got the memo when they saw the two of them together and getting engaged. Most will do nothing about it. So it is probably a waste of time to inform them. If any DO contact you, tell them that you suspect they had a relationship before your divorce and you don't think they have high character. This happens to be true. Besides THEY tried to warn YOU and you didn't listen. Why should they care now?

Shake the dust of your feet and give her a week to get her crap before you send it to the Salvation Army. Lose their numbers and block them and their emails. Write the letter to their family, wish them well and say good bye.

Now is a time to use your freedom to make some well overdue changes in you life...like cleaning the wax out of your ears.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

1st leeme' say I'm sorry you are in CWI! 


damionco said:


> Once again, should have seen this coming. How is it that we can see all of the warning signs and still not see the Sword of Damocles hanging above our heads.


*NOBODY deserves BETRAYAL IN (such a bonding relationship as) marriage!* a.k.a You should not be waiting to see the gleam of the blade... You just found the blade had already severed the connection.


damionco said:


> magic works because people are willing to be fooled. I guess that explains why so many of us get our proverbial butts handed to us in these situations. I don't think there is anyone more trusting than a spouse just before they find out that their SO is stepping out on them.


I can never believe that hope, faith, and love are anything but gifts... those whom taint these gifts are made darker and they are tainted more so than people whom are BS

I HOPE YOU LEARN HERE... KEEP #2 in mind 
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES;

1- Actions speaks louder than words
*2- If you can NOT learn from history, then you are DOOMED to repeat it*
_(It's all about over coming your own mistakes/history)_
3- Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, which is why we call it PRESENT _(corny line from Kung-Fu Panada yes I know, but still)_
4- DAD! Albert Einstein was really really REALLY smart... Oh yeah!! Well, if he is SO smart then how come he's dead!?!? _(Yes I love Homer Simpson... Life is too short not to laugh)_
5- IF in doubt about love look up in the bible
"1 Corinthians 13:1-13"


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

So, here it is...long weekend and I feel ok in some ways and not so okay in other ways. I keep thinking about things and it brings flashes of memories that make me sad and angry. For example, I was watching Sons of Guns last night (a show I really enjoy watching) and I thought about how the two people that I would go and shoot with (separately), are now probably shooting together. She got half of the guns (a 22 pistol and a 9mm) in the divorce. I am not really that much of a gun nut, but I do enjoy shooting and have ever since my grandfather taught me how to with his old single shot 22 rifle. So now, they have effectively ruined that simple joy for me as well. I am sure that I will get over it at some point (I did get over a lot of the stuff that I swore I would never be able to do again after she left like watching deadliest catch, and listening to Stone Temple Pilots, but it took time).

It's almost more damaging having my best friend betray me, since we have had so many memories that are tied together. I just don't get it.  I now have to figure out what I am going to do with my down time. My free time in the summer was used for fantasy baseball, but since he and i were always together in a league, I don't want to do that anymore. The free time kills me. During the week, when I am thinking about work stuff, I am fine, but the weekends and holidays turn into a long painful reminder that I am alone. 

I'm not as depressed as I thought I would be, but I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have never been that good at making friends. I am just shy in social situations. I never know what to say and do and constantly think that people are judging me. Part of growing up with a father that was always telling me what I was doing wrong and rarely telling me what I was doing right. The funny part is that his father was the same way, but he didn't seem to get the social anxiety part in his life.

I guess it is just another bad weekend, thinking about everyone else having fun with family and friends while I am alone. I know that this is hyperbolic, but it seems to always feel this way to me. Sorry, just needed to vent a little.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Vent away. Healing takes a long time. But you will heal and you will move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you want to move forward and put this all behind you & clearly that's what you need to do. I, however, would find some satisfaction in giving the two of them some heartburn as you watch them fade in your rearview mirror.

I would find a way to have them believe that you have known for a long time about their affair, that you know that this didn't just start by accident or fate after the two of you were done. Even if this isn't true, even if they were successful in deceiving you, shake up their world a bit by getting the word to them that they never fooled you.

Write that letter to her parents & slip in that you know that they were doing this all along. Or text him back and tell him that his 'news' isn't news to you, that you've known for a long time what a rat he is.

It's a white lie, but for me it goes a way toward making the playing field a tiny bit more level. Shaking them up would give me some satisfaction.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

damionco said:


> So, here it is...long weekend and I feel ok in some ways and not so okay in other ways. I keep thinking about things and it brings flashes of memories that make me sad and angry. For example, I was watching Sons of Guns last night (a show I really enjoy watching) and I thought about how the two people that I would go and shoot with (separately), are now probably shooting together. She got half of the guns (a 22 pistol and a 9mm) in the divorce. I am not really that much of a gun nut, but I do enjoy shooting and have ever since my grandfather taught me how to with his old single shot 22 rifle. So now, they have effectively ruined that simple joy for me as well. I am sure that I will get over it at some point (I did get over a lot of the stuff that I swore I would never be able to do again after she left like watching deadliest catch, and listening to Stone Temple Pilots, but it took time).
> 
> It's almost more damaging having my best friend betray me, since we have had so many memories that are tied together. I just don't get it. I now have to figure out what I am going to do with my down time. My free time in the summer was used for fantasy baseball, but since he and i were always together in a league, I don't want to do that anymore. The free time kills me. During the week, when I am thinking about work stuff, I am fine, but the weekends and holidays turn into a long painful reminder that I am alone.
> 
> ...


I think your father was trying to strengthen you and teach you to have a more solid self esteem. Because if father is judging you and you know you are fine, why do you listen? Take that lesson like this.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

damionco said:


> Two of the things that she complained about before we were married were that we dated for so long and that I didn't buy her a bigger diamond. I sacrificed size for quality and also bought her a platinum ring.
> 
> I should have cut and run when she wouldn't even pony up for a titanium ring that cost 90 bucks.


This guy is a better friend than you think. He took this problem off your hands. Can you imagine what kind of financial problems you'd have if you stayed with this gold digger?

As far as exposing their possible affair, the folks you'd expose to already know. They are not stupid. Besides, rather than getting your reputation back, as someone put it, it would look like sour grapes. Some would probably say they are surprised you didn't we it coming. A better approach, in my mind, would be to admit to the people who tried to warn you that they were right and admit you just didn't want to believe it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look at the balance sheet.

The exfriend is stuck with a cheater who has money problems. 

You have freedom from her, and you now you get to upgrade. She's also set the bar incredibly low, so upgrading isn't going to a challenged.

The OM doesn't realize it yet, but his life and happiness is now going to be going down on a steady decline, day by day, month by month.

And if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. So it's only a matter of time until she cheats on him too.

And he no longer has his best friend to help him deal with her.

You are the winner here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

She is no prize.

But you need to drop the self pity and start to take control. I know it's hard. God knows it's hard. But after two years, you should be farther along on the emotional disconnect than this. Seriously.

You said you got to a good place but one text brought you back to panic attacks?

Methinks you still clung to hope. Have the lawyer send her a letter demanding an updated quit claim so you can drop this house, then shake the dust off your feet and never sully your lips with their names again.

You need to travel and find some self respect because you are far too down on yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are bordering on wallowing in self pity. 

If your wife and best friend are no better than this, you are one of the luckiest people in the world. You get a do over with out the two anchors hanging on to your neck. I haven't read all the forum posts but have read your's.

You have not written one thing good about your wife or why you could even miss her. Hopefully, you have finally learned you cannot trust any man with your wife. This goes the other way for women too. Why in the world a woman would tell another woman how great her man is or how good he is in bed is beyond me. I have decades of experience in this.

You are also full of excuses. You still are wondering isomething was going on before. Did your friends warn you or not? Of course they were. Everything you have said about your wife indicates a propensity for cheating.

You have an excuse for not contacting his wife. You have an excuse for not dating. You have an excuse for not working out.
You have an excuse for not playing fantasy baseball. Reread your thread and count your excuses. Fix this.

Get busy. Work out. This helps more mentally than you can imagine. It releases the same chemicals to your brain and body that sex does.

Download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER..............NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a link to this in my signature below.

You knew mantra is I DESERVE GOOD THINGS (compliments of "the guy") , THANK GOD HE HAS GIVEN ME THE OPPURTUNITY FOR AN ANNULMENT FROM A WOMAN THAT HAS ABANDONED HER MARRIAGE

Use this thread to list your accomplishments and scratch off each excuse. Look around and believe how lucky you escaped these two. 

Find a younger woman with a head on her shoulders and a heart in her chest. 

Read NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY.


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