# is this abuse or am I overreacting?



## seattle123 (Oct 8, 2010)

Hi friends, 
This is my first time posting. I'm having questions about my marriage and don't want to go to friends or family for fear that I might escalate something that I'm not even sure I should be worried about...any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated...
My husband and I have been married for about two years. Last night, we had an argument that frightened me a little. My hubby is very sensitive and his feelings are easily hurt. He was getting very angry during our discussion because he felt like I wasn't on his side re: an argument he had with a friend. I told him that I didn't think we were ready to sort things out yet and should take some time to cool down. 
He did not like that request at all. He told me that he was "This close to leaving me and I could choose: either we could finish the argument right then or he would leave." I told him not to give me ultimatums and went into the kitchen (an enclosed space). He followed me into the kitchen, cornering me, and said "I said we're going to talk about this now." I was frightened by his anger and so I tried to move past him through the doorway and leave, but he kept pushing me backwards and blocking my exit. I told him he couldn't treat me that way and started to cry as I kept trying to get past him, but he prevented me from doing so, trapping me in the kitchen. this effort to escape went on for about five minutes. Finally, I gave up and just curled up on the kitchen floor and cried while he finished telling me why he was angry. I felt like a captive and was completely helpless. He finished saying everything he wanted to say to me (in a calm tone) and then allowed me to leave the kitchen when he was finished.
After things calmed down, I told him I was worried that his behavior might constitute abuse. He said he wouldn't do it again and said that I verbally abuse him by clamming up and refusing to reconcile when we're arguing. Sometimes it takes me a long time before I'm ready to talk about things and it's true that my husband is usually the one to apologize first and bring us back together. 
I'm wondering whether or not I should be worried about what happened last night. Am I overreacting? He didn't hurt me at all...he just held me captive against my will. Does anyone else have experience with this? 
Thank you for any advice you can offer!!!!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Anyone that looks at what you describe within the context of that singular event will likely say; 'yes, his behavior was abusive.'

Is your husband an abuser? That is a different question entirely. I did something very similar to my ex-wife when we were in the heat of separation and divorce, and she was scared too. 

Actually her behavior sounds very similar to what you describe. She needs a very long time to process, she can't respond on the fly, and she shuts down very easily and wants to abandon the conversation, argument, debate ... whatever is going on that she simply doesn't want to deal with any more. She was not very communicative at all - and I too was the one that usually chose to bridge the gap with an apology, or reconciling the issue. It isn't healthy. You need to step up rather than expecting him to address it.

I found this absolutely infuriating. My belief was that she was being dismissive and wanted to control the conversation - so, I determined that I was NOT going to give her what she wanted. I stopped when it was apparent that she was frightened. 

What I did was absolutely wrong. I am not an abuser.

The bigger question is that you BOTH need to find a way to effectively communicate while respecting each others boundaries. The point came in your exchange when nobody was getting what they wanted. 

You need to have an agreement about where the boundaries are when things become heated, and agree to walk away from one another. If you simply say "I'm not going to deal with you when you are like this." In all likelihood you will only escalate his anger. This is why setting expectations before that happens is important.
If he wants to be heard, trapping you in a corner while you sob is not accomplishing that.

Try to come up with an agreement between the two of you. If that isn't working, I strongly recommend that you seek counseling to help sort out the issues.


----------



## daddy of twins (Sep 30, 2010)

It is totally unfair to use his physical size and strength to hold you captive. Obviously you were scared and hurt and totally unresponsive to anything he was saying while trapped. I would describe this behavior as abusive. I suspect if a larger man were to trap him in the same manor her would feel abused and violated and be very upset about it.
Since he has apologized, he has probably realized this himself, but you should calmly explain how you felt. How you proceed from here depends on whether you trust this was a one time mistake. I would suggest explaining what you intend to do if it happens again.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It depends on where you are. In America, anyone can claim to be pretty much anything, especially a victim. Nobody's going to challenge your victim status. As a practical matter, consider your surroundings. Are you still living under the same roof with this guy? If so, whatever you call what you experienced, it wasn't sufficiently threatening or abusive to cause you to take action to protect yourself. Loud isn't threatening. Unpleasant isn't threatening. Persistent and obnoxious aren't threatening. Do you have any evidence other than what you have posted that would indicate your husband intended to inflict death or bodily injury upon you? Could you have called the police and had the guy arrested or forced to leave the house? The DV laws in my state are so ambiguous, a cheese sandwich could get locked up for DV. "held me captive against my will"? You were kidnapped? You were the victim of a class A felony and your husband deserves to go to prison for at least 10-15 years?? Your situation was dire enough to justify alerting the FBI's hostage rescue team, evacuating your neighbors, tossing flash bang grenades into your home and shooting your husband between the eyes? Again..are you still living under the same roof with your alleged kidnapper? If you are, it doesn't sound like much of a kidnapping. 
If you actually are ever seriously confronted by a real threat and find yourself barricaded in the kitchen, you'll find it loaded with knives, rolling pins, forks, frying pans, and loads of other convenient weapons. Using them to stop the threat would yield better results than laying on the floor, crying.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

my rule of thumb: if he is continuing behavior that he knows makes you uncomfortable, then its abuse. Abuse can be emotional or physical - seek counseling because if he has control or emotional issues then you might not be able to convince him its abuse by yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel10 (Sep 13, 2010)

There is no doubt, it is abuse. If I were you I will think seriously about your relationship with him. An abuser have the tendency to apologize first after an argument but it just an act, he will continue to emotional, verbally abuse you and eventually he will abuse you physically, I've been there, so be carefull.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If continuing a pattern of conduct that makes someone else uncomfortable constitutes "abuse", I'd submit that most married people are victims of abuse. It bugs my wife that I keep my sock drawer in disarray. It bugs me that she doesn't cook. Are we abusing each other?


----------



## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

:


unbelievable said:


> If continuing a pattern of conduct that makes someone else uncomfortable constitutes "abuse", I'd submit that most married people are victims of abuse. It bugs my wife that I keep my sock drawer in disarray. It bugs me that she doesn't cook. Are we abusing each other?



:lol::lol: I don't like my husband's occupation to the TV, I don't like his obduration, he doesn't like my unpunctuality......I don't know if he feels that he is abused, but I don' t feel that way. It takes compromises to run a good marriage. I know it and I am willing to learn it more.


----------



## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

i think what happened went overboard. was it abusive. yes. but should you leave because of that no, in my opinion. he is probably sick and tired of you not hearing him out. he felt the urge to finish the conversation. to say he would divorce if you did not complete the discussion means you were denying him something that was really critical at the time. 

the fact that he is the one always apologizing means the relationship is lopsided and he probably feeling resentful and powerless in the relationship. by cornering you he is trying to regain his power in the relationship.

it seems this happened once. to me abuse become a problem when it happens over and over again. i say, work on your communication.

this comes from someone who has taken a lot of emotional and verbal abuse herself.

good luck


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Angel10 said:


> There is no doubt, it is abuse. If I were you I will think seriously about your relationship with him. An abuser have the tendency to apologize first after an argument but it just an act, he will continue to emotional, verbally abuse you and eventually he will abuse you physically, I've been there, so be carefull.



Be careful stating the abuser apologizes first bc the abused will too... to avoid any further harm. My abuser doesnt believe he does any wrong. This husband sounds remorseful, tread carefully.

I do have to say that he may perceive your unwillingness to talk as a form of control. If you have backed away more than a handful of times... you are thereby avoiding/ignoring and it probably infuriated him... he feels helpless. That does not justify what he did, but explain what he may have been feeling inside prior to. Maybe if you laid out on the table that you know you take time and sometimes avoid talking and never realized how much it bothers him... May help both of you!


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

My exhusband used to do that to me all the time. I finally told him that this is America, and he has the right so speak his mind, BUT, I also have the right to leave the room if I wish to. Nothing gets solved if both parties aren't in a frame of mind to listen to each other. This is bully behavior. Not only will it not solve the problem, it will likely make you lose respect for him.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It is just a fight. 

When couples have disagreement, they should dissolve it rather than leave the fighting scene and leave the other one angry. It isn't healthy either. A lot of marriages end because couples start ignoring each other and stop communicating. 

Never let the sun set in an angry state.

But how can we not to make the fight even more scarier by continuing , this is art. Not to throw more angry words at him when you are fighting. If you don't agree, at least don't tell him that he is wrong. 

After you guys are calm, then talk about it with a peaceful tone. Maybe at that time he'll realize he had been foolish.


----------



## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

marriagesucks said:


> i think what happened went overboard. was it abusive. yes. but should you leave because of that no, in my opinion. he is probably sick and tired of you not hearing him out. he felt the urge to finish the conversation. to say he would divorce if you did not complete the discussion means you were denying him something that was really critical at the time.
> 
> the fact that he is the one always apologizing means the relationship is lopsided and he probably feeling resentful and powerless in the relationship. by cornering you he is trying to regain his power in the relationship.
> 
> ...



This is all solid advice. I have done something like this before, minus the physical cornering. If this is the first time I would suggest that the OP try understanding what it is her husband wants that is going neglected, even if it seems intangible. IOW, don't dismiss him b/c you don't understand. In my book, "don't understand" from a spouse means "I'm not willing to respect you."

At the same time your husband really should take a time-out, just to calm down physically. Nothing positive comes out of anything like that, even if the causes of aggravation are all valid.

OTOH if this is an ongoing thing, be careful and get away.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Personally, I would not call this 1 time incident abuse. A real shame it came to this, unfortunate- now you are fearing him possibly more than necessary. Hopefully he has learned from it and will never let his ANGER get the best of him again in the future. Better for him to walk away. And the next time, he may just do that. I hope you & him can work on some communcation skills that will satidfy you both. 

Have you never been so angry as to do something forceful, because someone you loved is hurting you, maybe not physically but emotionally hurting you? I think we all have been there. If he is sorry, please forgive him. If this is an isolated incident, even more so. And do not share this with family & friends and embarrass him any further, this could cause real hard feelings on his part. 

Looking at it from his point of view, I bet he was REALLY angry in these moments, it probably has been building & building for some time, and in his mind, he DESPERATELY NEEDED TO BE HEARD. Some people are just wired this way, better to just let them "get it out" , listen, and I bet he would not have responded in such a scary manner.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think you need to google the "power and control wheel", and see what YOU think. See if you recognize yourself there.


----------



## Blue Eyes (Oct 19, 2010)

Yes the power & control wheel is what you need to see. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years that started with small power & control arguments that slowly turned physical. Abusers will make sure you are isolated and unsure of your own mental state before they start hitting. Get out while you still can.


----------



## Tootsiepop (Sep 7, 2009)

Is this abuse??? ABSOLUTELY!

There is verbal, emotional and physical abuse. And unless he realizes that his behavior was totally out of line and does something to change it, it most certainly can/will continue and/or escalate. NO ONE, especially your spouse who supposedly loves you, should use intimidation, threats, name calling, shouting, profanity, etc., let alone physically trapping you, etc. etc. to assert his control. And I believe he probably does have major control issues!

Please set your bar high! You need to let him know that this episode was a very serious breach in your marriage and that you both need to come up with healthier respectful ways to communicate. You may or may not be able to do this yourselves; counseling is always an option. (And btw, many many abusers apologize-words, cards, flowers, etc.)

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

Sorry...I would take a different route...I would have found a way to get around my husband. That was abuse...and while some just call it bullying...what is the f-king difference? And worse it's spousal abuse and also domestic violence.

Set up a hidden camera in your house and record something like that...what do you think the jury would say?

If I didn't have my cell phone on me to call 911 I would scream and beat on the walls until someone called for me.

MEN HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT WOMEN THIS WAY
WOMEN HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT MEN THIS WAY
HUMANS HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT EACH OTHER THIS WAY REGARDLESS OF GENDER.


----------

