# What is the deal with my husband?



## ProfJ

I'm hoping that this is the right forum to post this in. I have narrated my story in another thread, but anyway...My husband and I have been separated for more than six months now. I was born a Catholic, but when I joined him in this country, we agreed that we will be going to the same church. We went to a Christian church, and I loved and believed in the doctrine that it's God, husband, wife triumvirate in marriage. My husband and I had a stressful marriage over the last three years, mainly because of his children. They never forgave him for the divorce, and as a result, my husband is deathly scared of his own kids, sacrificing our marriage many many times. It came to a point where the fighting between us over his kids, stuff, etc., happens everyday, and one day, he sat me down and told me God did not want to fix our marriage, if God wanted to fix our marriage, he would have done so from the beginning. (pretty twisted way of thinking if you ask me). So I left, and found an apartment I can move into thinking that we need space to try and think things through. I kept him on my insurance because he's been sick lately. After I left, he's been to the hospital multiple times, racking almost $70,000 in medical bills that my insurance is paying for. To make the long story short, he now blames me for keeping him on my insurance because he told me he feels hamstrung. He said he is now uninsurable because of pre-existing health condition. I told him, you are welcome to stay on my insurance for as long as you want to, and divorce is the furthest thing from my mind. He told me he didn't want to be dependent on me, and that after the year is up, he will apply to a health group similar to medishare, where Christians are paying for other Christians. Furthermore, whenever he comes up to my area, he invites me to dinner, but he he told me that he doesn't want me to think that just because he's inviting me to dinner doesn't mean that we are reconcilling:scratchhead:. One day, I visited him while he is at the hospital and I told him that the ball is in his court, if he wants to save our marriage, and work on it, I'll work with him, but if he wants a divorce, I will respect his decision as well. I'm at a place where I will be fine either way, and this seems to make him even more upset with me. He said, he's not thinking of divorce and he doesn't know where he's at right now, and he doesn't want to talk about it because his goal is to get better and get off my insurance. I could not make heads nor tails of what my husband is thinking. He does not want to accept insurance coverage from me, even though I am offering it to him, but would choose to let a group of good hearted Christians pay for his medical needs.
Also, my husband left the church that we are going because he doesn't want to hear what other men are telling him in order to fix the marriage, which is to follow the biblical marriage principle of God, husband, and wife. And that children should be made to respect and be accountable to their parents. he believes, the men don't know what they're talking about because none of them are in a blended family.
Men...please give me an idea...where is my husband at?


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## weR2

The thoughts that I will give you here are from personal experiences. My first 2 marriages were "church" weddings, where the pastor wed us. Both marriages ended in divorce, and with the combined efforts of the pastor and others from the congregation, neither marriage could be saved. My third wife and I were married by a Justice of the Peace and have been together for over 28 yrs, and although we go through the "seasons" of marriage, we always "weather the winters" and enjoy the "spring", WITHOUT HELP.

It seemed that basically, the only hope/consolation that the "church" could give me was that God made my first wife "cheat" on me for some unknown reason or test, and that I should just have faith that God is doing the right thing. Likewise with my second marriage, when my new wife decided that she was more comfortable living with her parents than with me, God was either putting me through a test, or, there was some unknown reason. Then it occurred to me the possibility that these women and I had perhaps made mistakes in marrying each other, of our own choice. But, it took me some 6-7 yrs to realize that I was being advised by people that lived in somewhat "closed" environments, people that seemed to be so intertwined with each other, that they had no concept of what was happening outside in the real world.

I met my first daughter when she was 13yrs old (I did know her as an infant). It was then, that my 3rd wife had to experience those trying times when a parent attempts to bond with their child while the child feels deserted/unwanted. All the while, my daughter's grandparents did all that they could to prevent that bond, I was lucky that by this time my ex-wife was realizing that our daughter needed her father. As a parent with a daughter that had been influenced solely by the mother (my second wife) and her mother's parents, I found myself attempting to "win her over" or maybe better said, trying to explain my "side" of why the marriage ended with a divorce. I wanted her to understand my "side"

What I am saying here is that I understand how the "church" influenced my thinking, and in doing so, I COULD think that they scared my first wife away. While the "church" frowned upon my second wife for essentially not giving up her parents for me as she "promised" when she said "I do", and they felt that my wife's parents gave their daughter to me when they walked up the aisle, I realized at that point that I needed to reassess the advise that the "church" was giving me. I had two failed marriages.

As far as your husband attempting to "bond/mend" his relationship with his children, I understand as in the case of my first daughter. She is now 31yrs old and has a 12 yr old son. Our bond over the last few years has grown considerably after many futile years when she was going through her teens and early twenties, trying to understand why she had been "abandoned".

Having said that, I feel that your H is disassociating himself from the opinions of his peers at the church. BUT, he is not disassociating himself from you! Meantime, he is PERHAPS "guarding" his position as father to is children. Understand and support him, and you will reap the rewards. It seems to me that both love each other.


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## Parrothead

A quick word about terminology: the Catholic church you belong to is a "Christian" church, some say THE christian church. So in your first paragraph, where you say you went to a Christian church as opposed to the Catholic church you are making a distinction without a difference.

That said, being a step parent (which is what you are) is the WORST situation in the world to be in, so keep that in mind. You will often find yourself in a situation where your spouse's children will play you against him and him against you. Biological children also do this, but with steps it's worse because there are family politics involved. I have often said that being a step parent is the worst job in the world because you have a lot of responsibility and no authority.

In sorting through this post of yours it sounds as though your husband is unwilling or unable to work on your marriage so he is pulling the "God doesn't want us to be married" card on you.

Don't fall for it. 

Some people, even atheists, like to blame God or the church for their problems, going all the way back to the Crusades as their excuse for hating the church, even though they were not even there. So if their marriage or marriages fail they place the blame everywhere except where it belongs - themselves. And to say something as idiotic as church marriages don't last because they are church marriages defies logic and common sense.

I say that no matter what anybody says, any situation that pits man against his wife is not of God. 

I suggest that you try to get into counseling. Often when we are sick we often fall victim to stress and depression, and sometimes a health condition will cause a man to not think clearly.

If he invites you for dinner when he is in town, it means he still wants to see you. If you love him take the risk, and may God be with you.


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## cb45

A quick word about terminology: the Catholic church you belong to is a "Christian" church, some say THE christian church. So in your first paragraph, where you say you went to a Christian church as opposed to the Catholic church you are making a distinction without a difference.-----PH

not that i disagree with u entirely PH but......

depending on how "deep" u wanna go, this sentence is
somewhat argumentative upon expansion as related to
scriptural understanding/interpretation.

[maybe another thread or PM land perhaps. no hijacking
here intended.]


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## ProfJ

Thank you for both advices...I really appreciate it. To give you a quick background, I'm not from this country, I migrated here to marry my husband. I brought my only daughter with me. I believed that I did everything I can to win my husband's children's heart. I brought them and pick them up from school every day the first year I was here since both their parents are too busy to take them, and I have yet to find a job of my own at the time. I took them to the movies, shopping, etc. I thought my in-laws were accepting us as family, but then they started telling my husband not to show affection to my daughter lest it makes his own children jealous. They also drilled into my husband that his children should be his priority even if he is remarried. I would not have cared had not my daughter been part of the sacrifice in order to please the whims of my husband's children. Then one of his daughter started living with us and expect my daughter and I to do all the housework because we were from a "third World Country," those were my H's daughter's words which I overheard when my husband finally decided to tell his daughter to share in the housework. I told my husband I overheard them, and he said his daughter is entitled to her opinion. I grew bitter and resentful over my husband's cowardice to put his foot down when it comes to respect for me inside our supposed home. There are so many instances of disrespect from my husband's daughter, and my husband continued to choose not to set rules. We became distant, and the marriage got colder and colder. And now...I feel like I still want to save the marriage, but the only thing that my husband is seeing is the hurt that I have caused him by leaving, and not the reason why I left. People tell me that it's a tough call for him because that will be his children no matter what...I never wanted him to give up his relationship with his children, just not to expect me to bow down to them when they are being disrespectful and unreasonable. I pray every day to give me strength and to show me the way to forgive completely.


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## ProfJ

When I say Christian, I meant Protestant, as opposed to Catholics. Since I'm not from this country, I was under the impression that Protestants call themselves Christians, and us Catholics, simply call ourselves Catholics. But you are right, both are Christians.


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## Parrothead

cb45 said:


> depending on how "deep" u wanna go, this sentence is somewhat argumentative upon expansion as related to scriptural understanding/interpretation.[/SIZE][/FONT]


What in gehenna are you talking about?


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## Parrothead

ProfJ said:


> When I say Christian, I meant Protestant, as opposed to Catholics. Since I'm not from this country, I was under the impression that Protestants call themselves Christians, and us Catholics, simply call ourselves Catholics. But you are right, both are Christians.


Oh, okay. I thought you might have fallen victim to the common misapprehension in America that "Catholic" is not "Christian". It's a ridiculous teaching propagated by what we call "fundamentalist" believers. 

Since you are Catholic, can you talk to a priest about your marriage, or will you get yourself in hot water for marrying outside the church?


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## ProfJ

Parrothead said:


> Oh, okay. I thought you might have fallen victim to the common misapprehension in America that "Catholic" is not "Christian". It's a ridiculous teaching propagated by what we call "fundamentalist" believers.
> 
> Since you are Catholic, can you talk to a priest about your marriage, or will you get yourself in hot water for marrying outside the church?


I have not practiced Catholicism since I arrived in this country. Like I said, I followed my husband to his Protestant Christian church. For as long as we belong in the Fundamental teachings of Christianity, such as Jesus Christ is the one true savior, biblical principles and the like...I have no problem giving up religious practices which are just culture and not biblical doctrines anyway. I have talked the ear off my Pastor, but he really can't do anything if my husband is not willing to work on the marriage. My husband says he doesn't know where he's at, it has been almost 7 months since we've separated and he still doesn't know where he's at. On the other hand, he's been sick a lot of times, and maybe that's what's clouding his judgement right now. But I get frustrated because I feel like all I've shown him is kindness since the separation but he is intent on hurting me every time we see each other. He would invite me to dinner but will be criticial of the decisions that I make in my every day life. He also continuously tells me not to be hopeful and expect reconciliation just because we are having dinner together. A friend told me that because he was hurt when I left, now that he knows that I want to work on the marriage, he saw an opportunity to hurt me back, not thinking that I have been hurting all this time we were separated.


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## oceanbreeze

that is an interesting point your friend made. What does your instinct tell you about this marriage?

and in the long run..... we all grow up, kids grow into adults, and shifts in the relationship occurs. I feel that your position as his wife stemmed from the frustrations that your husband did not show that kind of protection of you or settle to his family (kids and extended family) to show you that kind of respect. And that there is an underlying upset that he does not seem to treat you as an equal either. I think your husband is currently in limbo, trying to figure out his role and position in this blended family. 

it sounds like he has a great relationship with your daughter, but not the same with his daughter and that is causing a kind of rift and innate tension within himself. but it also seems that his side of the family is not able to see the distinct characteristics that he may not like seeing in his biological daughter. 

the good part of this all is that a) you have heart b) you're being just in visiting, talking, trying to work on this relationship c) are independent to support your own place in case anything happens.


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## ProfJ

oceanbreeze said:


> that is an interesting point your friend made. What does your instinct tell you about this marriage?
> 
> and in the long run..... we all grow up, kids grow into adults, and shifts in the relationship occurs. I feel that your position as his wife stemmed from the frustrations that your husband did not show that kind of protection of you or settle to his family (kids and extended family) to show you that kind of respect. And that there is an underlying upset that he does not seem to treat you as an equal either. I think your husband is currently in limbo, trying to figure out his role and position in this blended family.
> 
> it sounds like he has a great relationship with your daughter, but not the same with his daughter and that is causing a kind of rift and innate tension within himself. but it also seems that his side of the family is not able to see the distinct characteristics that he may not like seeing in his biological daughter.
> 
> the good part of this all is that a) you have heart b) you're being just in visiting, talking, trying to work on this relationship c) are independent to support your own place in case anything happens.


Oceanbreeze...I feel like you almost know me. You hit the nail right on the head. My husband has a fantastic relationship with my daughter. My daughter love, respect, and care for my husband even to this day. He was the father she never had, and gave him all the considerations and understanding that he needed. I must admit, my daughter's respect for my husband took a big hit when he failed to protect me from his family and children.
As for my friend's opinion...I feel like she may be right. I really don't know how a divorce would be a better option for my husband more so than making our marriage work. I'm not perfect but I wasn't the worst out there. During our marriage, I never cuss, nag, or do anything horribly unforgivable. I keep quiet when I'm hurt, I must admit, and it takes days for me to get over it. This frustrates my husband to no end. I was deeply insecure the first year that I moved here because I had no job, friends, family and resources. But I did everything I can to get a good paying job so I can help my husband financially. I take care of myself so my husband will be proud when he's with me. I only have eyes and heart for my husband, never once flirting or giving attention to any man who is showing interest in me. But I hurt easily, maybe because I feel like I love my husband more than he loves me, and I wanted proof that this is not so. This frustrates him even more, and I feel like I'm not worth the effort to show kindness just to appease my insecurities. A kind word, flowers, a love note, spontaneous actions of generosity are too much for my husband to give to me. Meanwhile, I was showering him with gifts without any occassion. Maybe it is wrong to expect the same courtesy from your spouse, but oh well...
Right now...I do love him still, but I'm ready whatever happens. Several months of separation has prepared me for whatever happens in the future of our marriage. I do know that I will never go back to the situation we once had. Furthermore...My daughter and I will not be sacrificed again for spoiled brats and vindictive relatives.


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## ItHappenedToMe

ProfJ said:


> Furthermore...My daughter and I will not be sacrificed again for spoiled brats and vindictive relatives.


Or a narcissistic husband!

I truly hope the medications he has are part of the reason he is being vindictive. 

Marriage was created by God, but not strictly for church members, else only members could be married. The tenants of marriage, in or out of the church, are the same...for better or worse, to leave and cleave. Somewhere, hubby got lost on the "cleave" part. 

Honoring your parents is always necessary. However, taking their advice to the point it damages your relationship with your wife, to whom you promised to forsake all others, is wrong. Respect them, let them know he's considered their wishes, then make the decision that is best for his family. 

Do children from a previous marriage come before the current wife? No. Marriage is to be held in honor by all. Is blending a family easy? Probably not (no experience in that area!). 

Do you know why he and his first wife divorced? And when you came into the mix? It sounds like there is some pretty strong resentment going on, even if you are not the cause. 

He took on a tremendous responsibility when he brought the two of you here, and now it sounds like he is flaking on that responsibility. Does he have trouble owning up to his errors? Or is it always someone else's fault? He may be strong on committment, and weak on integrity. Do you know why he's been so sick? Are they emotional or physical problems? If emotional, counseling could do a world of good. 

JMHO


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