# Please help me decide!!!



## Nuram (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi all,

I am nuram. Have got some serious problems going on in my life. I was just googgling and found this site and loved this. Thought of posting my problems here and get some valuable suggestions. 


It's me during 2010 Jan met a girl and loved her a lot. I went and told my mom and showed her the pic. My mom liked her and i was very happy with it. 

After couple of months i came to know that she is also keeping an eye on me. mar 2012 it was the day we met and fell in love. I loved her a lot for about a year and then our marriage was fixed on Mar 2012. Till this moment everything was fine. 

She is short tempered and i was ok with it. Never felt it as a problem. I always thought that it was her nature. I always thought that i am lucky to have her in my life.

Tragedy started just 2 weeks before the marriage after all the arrangements were done. She started acting weird even for small small problems. She started losing her temper often and started acting weird. She just used to blast the words out of her mouth inspite of looking around and wont even care who is standing near her. This worried me a lot. 

I kept silence and marriage happened. The day after marriage happened she started again getting angry. I asked her what's wrong. She said that I am not ready to register the marriage legally. So i have done it the very next day. She kept silent for some days. 

One night, she asked me a question funnily... 'You wouldn't have got any beautiful women than me!!' I funnily replied 'yeah i have many options' in a jolly note. She started again acting totally mad... She slapped me and went out of control. I was not able to do anything. I tried to cool her and was not able to because she was attacking me whenever i go near her to chill her out. After some time, she left me in bedroom locked and went to living room. I was completely scared. 
Morning, i went to the living room and got shocked!!!

All the gifts i gave her went into pieces and was lying in the floor. My god, i dont know how she managed to break even a ceramic toy. Doll and everything was completely gone. I was really very shocked about her strange behaviour. I informed her parents about this and they advised her. This problem came to an end. 

After after a week one day, she called me for a shopping. I told her to wait for 30 mins. Again a strange reaction. I got panic. Just wanted to know where this ends. I stuck to my decision and told her to wait for 30 mins repeatedly. Ohhh god.... She came to me, pulled me out of home and shut the door.  All the neighbours watched including my mom. 

The same day night, she remained silent. I was under full stress. 
All of sudden she started crying and laid down on floor. I tried asking her what's the problem. She remained silent and was nearly unconscious. After 10 mins, she woke up and asked me 'Where am I ?' I was puzzled. This is not ending here. I was already frustrated to the core. After 30 mins, she went inside the kitchen. I was sitting in living room. Heard some noise and went inside the kitchen and found that she took a knife. All of a sudden she asked me 'Shall i cut my veins'. She indeed attempted. I rushed and pulled the knife out of her hands and pulled her inside bed room and kept on looking her whole night. 

Next morning, I called her parents and sent her with them. I have told them to counsel her and also added that i am ready to co-operate in any way. 

I am now afraid of being with her, keeping in mind what will happen when. 

Pals, Any solution from your side will be really helpful to me.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

WOW! But since you came here asking for advice, I will offer my best advice to you.

1. Get out of the marriage in any way possible. Annulment or Divorce. Doesn't matter. She is a danger to herself and to you, and you can't fix her. She needs professional help. Perhaps, years from now, she will have matured and learned acceptable behavior and you can reconnect then. If that never happens, you will have learned from this mistake of a marriage.

2. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT have children with her. She is not only a danger to herself AND a danger to you, I can't even imagine what she would do to a helpless child. Don't give her the opportunity to harm a child.

3. Stay away from her. Seriously. She is dangerous. She needs professional help, much beyond what you could offer.

I'm so sorry that you are learning the hard way, but there are some people in this world who are not meant to have a serious, committed, loving, adult relationship. She is one of those people.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife has a mental illness. Get her to a doctor for help. 

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like bipolar disorder. My ex husband has this illness and was abusive like your wife. He did many crazy things including intentionally hurting me. I asked him to get help again through the doctors, he refused. I ended the marriage. His behavior is a thousand times worse and it's 18 years later. Get your wife help or end the marriage. Good luck.

It's never okay for a woman(or man) to have a quick temper towards their spouse or anyone else. Anger issues must be delt with appropriately by a doctor. If you decide to have children, your wife will have a quick temper and abuse them too. Nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I believe that there are only 2 explainations for your wife's behavior. 

1) she is mentally ill.
2) she has been taking some kind of very bad drugs.

She is most likely mentally ill. Surely she did not develop this just days before your wedding. I have no doubt that her parents know that she is mentally ill and has been for a long time. 

It's time for your and your parents to have a long talk with her parents. You should have been informed of her mental illness before marriage.

How much time did you spend with your wife before marriage? Did you date and go places together? Or were you always with other people when you saw her?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nuram, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with I'mInLove and Elegirl that you likely are describing the behavioral traits of a mental disorder, given that drug use is not a problem. Other possibilities, which are far less likely, are a recent brain injury or hormone problems -- but such hormone problems likely would occur with monthly regularity, which you do not mention.

The two most likely candidates, then, are traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and traits of bipolar disorder. Whether her traits are so severe as to constitute having the full blown disorder is a determination only a professional can make. Please note that, if she has strong traits of one or the other of these disorders, the distinction between them is _extremely important_. Whereas bipolar usually can be treated very successfully by swallowing a pill, strong BPD traits are very resistant to treatment. Although excellent BPD treatment programs are available, it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to stay in the programs long enough (several years at least) to make a difference. 

I therefore strongly recommend that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Importantly, you cannot rely on your WIFE'S therapist to tell you what is wrong if she has strong BPD traits. If she is high functioning and has such strong traits, therapists generally will not tell the patient -- much less tell her H -- the name of that disorder. The information is withheld to protect her and also because insurance companies nearly always refuse to cover BPD treatments.

I am not a psychologist. I am speaking only from my experience of living with a BPDer exW for 15 years and taking care of a bipolar foster son for much longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences and reading, I have found nine clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. Significantly, you mention nothing about seeing manic behavior but you do describe her as sometimes releasing a torrent of hatred on you, including physical abuse (her slapping you).

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. (Although ultra rapid cycling is a possibility, it is rare.) In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in a week. The latter therefore seem consistent with your statement about her "losing her temper often."

*A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). These short-duration rages seem consistent with with the temper tantrums you describe.

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts. 

The time she slapped and attacked you, for example, apparently was triggered by your idle, joking comment about having "many options." A week later, her hissy fit in front of the neighbors and your mother apparently was triggered by your comment to "wait 30 minutes." 

*A fifth difference* -- as I noted above -- is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior, e.g., the hitting and destruction of gifts.

*A seventh difference* is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer typically is not angry most of the time, a BPDer is always filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do anything to CREATE it. Instead, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. -- which seems consistent with your description.

*An eight difference* is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when she is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality. You mention nothing about such engulfment occurring. 

Yet, if it is, you likely will find her behaving the worst immediately after the very BEST of times, e.g., following an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together. BPDers (those with moderate to strong traits) will create arguments over nothing in order to push you away, giving them space in which to recover from the suffocating feeling that intimacy brings.

*Finally, a ninth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

You mention nothing directly addressing this trust issue. You do say, however, that the one blow up occurred after she said "You wouldn't have got any beautiful women than me!!' and you replied with a joke about having "many options." I mention this because BPDers' greatest fear is _abandonment_. Their anger therefore is easily triggered by any comment giving the slightest hint that a loved one might find love elsewhere.

Yet, despite these nine clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that these two disorders often occur together. A recent study (2008) found that half of bipolar-I sufferers also have full-blown BPD.


> Any solution from your side will be really helpful to me.


Nuram, I cannot offer a "solution" because I don't know what is wrong with your W. I do have some suggestions, however. As I said above, I recommend you see YOUR OWN psychologist to obtain a candid opinion on what it is you are dealing with. 

I also suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Although you cannot diagnose a disorder, there is a world of difference between making a diagnosis and spotting the red flags. The latter is not difficult when you've been living with a woman for several months. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal and physical abuse, cutting, suicide threats, and temper tantrums.

An easy place to start reading is my brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread about his abusive, angry wife. My three posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Nuram.


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## Nuram (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Survivorwife,

Thanks for your response. 
Divorce is what my mind is shouting about. I'll be fixing an appointment with psychologist soon and get his ideas as well as suggested by Uptown. Already so much damage has been done and her image is completely spoiled in and around my home just because of her strange behavior. 

No way. No way of having child with her. And one more thing i forgot to mention is that she never co-operated for such things. 
In these 3 months of marriage life, I am the one who used to approach. She used to say that she is tired always. I also don't compel her. I shall PM you what happens even if she is allows for it if you want.

Right now I am staying away from her. She is with her parents. 




survivorwife said:


> WOW! But since you came here asking for advice, I will offer my best advice to you.
> 
> 1. Get out of the marriage in any way possible. Annulment or Divorce. Doesn't matter. She is a danger to herself and to you, and you can't fix her. She needs professional help. Perhaps, years from now, she will have matured and learned acceptable behavior and you can reconnect then. If that never happens, you will have learned from this mistake of a marriage.
> 
> ...



Hi I'mInLoveWithMyHubby,

Thanks for your prompt reply. As i mentioned above, I am visiting psychologist tomorrow night. No talk atbout child at this moment. I am planning to help her in all ways. If nothing turns out, then i shall apply for divorce. 

After reading the comments posted by Updown, I feel she is having BPD. 

Will let you know once i consult the doctor.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife has a mental illness. Get her to a doctor for help.
> I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like bipolar disorder. My ex husband has this illness and was abusive like your wife. He did many crazy things including intentionally hurting me. I asked him to get help again through the doctors, he refused. I ended the marriage. His behavior is a thousand times worse and it's 18 years later. Get your wife help or end the marriage. Good luck.
> 
> It's never okay for a woman(or man) to have a quick temper towards their spouse or anyone else. Anger issues must be delt with appropriately by a doctor. If you decide to have children, your wife will have a quick temper and abuse them too. Nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially children.



Hi Elegirl,

Thanks for posting. 

As far as i know, she never takes such bad drugs. But who knows, as you say it seems to me like she did not develop just before wedding. Her parents should have hid this fact. 

I used to talk to her over phone and she used to be fine. Met her hardly 5 times before marriage. We used to go to temple and nothing more than that. I observed her strange behavior just 2 weeks before marriage as i mentioned in my first post. This worried me a lot and never thought that this will go to an extreme end.



EleGirl said:


> I believe that there are only 2 explainations for your wife's behavior.
> 
> 1) she is mentally ill.
> 2) she has been taking some kind of very bad drugs.
> ...


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## Nuram (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Uptown,

Thanks a lot for your warm welcome. As you say, i also guess that drug wont be a problem. May be hormone problem as she used to act weird in regular intervals say once in a week. As you suggested i am going to meet psychologist tomorrow to get some ideas. As far as i know, she doesn't have any brain injuries. 



Uptown said:


> Drug use is not a problem. Other possibilities, which are far less likely, are a recent brain injury or hormone problems -- but such hormone problems likely would occur with monthly regularity, which you do not mention.


After reading your post i feel she falls under BPD. Still i am not sure about this though

*First difference* The mood swings to two different extremes. Some times she used to be normal and loves me a lot and with in a moment, the mood changes. 

*A second difference* The mood change happens in fraction of minute. say 10 sec or so. Very fast indeed. Once in every week i could see her acting weird. Not only once in week, mood changes also happen in between and its fast enough. 

*A third difference* mood changes last not more than few hours. Some times its even early in minutes.

*A fourth difference* As you said 10 secs are more than enough for a mood change. This is what scares me all the time thinking about what will happen when.

*A fifth difference* I have no points to say.  may be she is like this from childhood. 

*A sixth difference* She always treat me as Hitler. You are right about destruction of gifts.

*A seventh difference* Can't even speak to her openly because you done know when she will flame. Right. 

*An eight difference* she can't tolerate intimacy for long time. She is behaving very work right after the very BEST of times. She does that often.


*Finally, a ninth difference* She never trusts me... Sorry that i didn't mention this point. She always doubted me a lot. 
I already told about registering the marriage. She started acting weird and once it was done she was fine for some time. She lacks trust on me. 

Thanks for passing on the links Uptown, I read that twice and found that there are so many rings of bell. 


I am walking on egg shells right now. Going to consult psychologist tomorrow. Will update you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nuram, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information useful. I'm even happier to hear you've already made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow.


Nuram said:


> I am walking on egg shells right now.


_Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the name of the #1 best selling BPD book that is targeted to the spouses of BPDers. Another excellent book is _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Both books are by the same author, Randi Kreger.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Good luck! It's very difficult to help someone with mental disorder.

I couldn't do it, so I left and filed for divorce. I remarried a few years after the divorce and I'm much happier.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is pretty much no question here that your wife has a serious mental disorder, and I too would guess BPD. Because of the nature of BPD, I encourage you to get out, fast. I am guessing from your post that you are in India or perhaps the Middle East--but I know that in India, parents counsel their married children in ways we in the west would never consider. Sending her to her parents is another clue--wouldn't happen here. I'm very glad, for your sake, that you had these options, however.

Good luck, and keep us posted.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nuram, if you're still around, please let us know how you are doing. How did the appointment with the psychologist go two days ago?


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## Nuram (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi I'mInLoveWithMyHubby,

Glad to know that you are happy now.  



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Good luck! It's very difficult to help someone with mental disorder.
> I couldn't do it, so I left and filed for divorce. I remarried a few years after the divorce and I'm much happier.



You are right sisters359. I am a south indian. Happy that my parents are supporting me till now. Its been more than 2 months since i sent her home. The scenario now is their parents are not responding to any calls. Will explain what happened down the line. Once again, thanks for your response. 



sisters359 said:


> There is pretty much no question here that your wife has a serious mental disorder, and I too would guess BPD. Because of the nature of BPD, I encourage you to get out, fast. I am guessing from your post that you are in India or perhaps the Middle East--but I know that in India, parents counsel their married children in ways we in the west would never consider. Sending her to her parents is another clue--wouldn't happen here. I'm very glad, for your sake, that you had these options, however.
> 
> Good luck, and keep us posted.


Hi Uptown,

Sorry for not being around as i was held up in office for the past 2 weeks. 

Here is the update. 

3 weeks back, me along with my mother went to psychologist and explained him the entire scenario. 
Later on, doc sent my mom out and then we had a one to one conversation. There i explained him all the things happened in detailed manner and he suspected that she may have BPD. 
He gave another appointment and asked me to bring her the very next week. Also he added two points:

1. She sounds quiet dangerous. Better to be seperate till i examine. Try to get rid of her and just be calm. 
2. No child please. That will be a huge trouble. 

2 weeks back, my mom and dad went to her home to call her for consultation. But things happened there were a mess. She was completely out of control when she saw my mom and started again acting weird. Also my mom told that she has become lean and lost several pounds. Her father promised that he will bring her daughter next day to consult psychologist but he didn't turn up. 

Its more than 2 weeks now and he didn't respond and didn't attend call either. Now we are just waiting for them to respond.




Uptown said:


> Nuram, if you're still around, please let us know how you are doing. How did the appointment with the psychologist go two days ago?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nuram, thanks so much for giving us an update. Like the other posters, I've been concerned about your safety. If your W has strong BPD traits -- as you and your psychologist believe -- she is so unstable that it is unsafe for you to be around her. My BPDer exW, for example, called the police and had me arrested on a bogus charge, with the result that I was in jail for nearly 3 full days before I go even go before the judge. That occurred at the end of our marriage, right when she was having one of her many temper tantrums.

In the very unlikely event she will go to a therapist and stay in the treatment program, it would take many years before you would ever see a substantial change. I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 high-functioning BPDers achieve that. Hence, if she has strong BPD traits, I strongly recommend divorce as soon as possible. 

Again, I suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ I also suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) on the "Leaving" forum at BPDfamily.com. While you are there, please check out the resources page. My favorite article is #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend therapist Shari Schreiber's article at BREAKING UP WITH A BORDERLINE: There must be 50 Ways to leave your Lover.. Take care, Nuram.


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## Nuram (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Uptown,

Howdy?? I am finally out of that marriage and got re-married to another girl. I am doing absolutely good at the moment. 

It's been a while but still I wont forget the suggestions you pals have posted.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nuram, what a wonderful surprise -- to come here and find out that you have removed yourself from a dangerous situation (your first marriage) and now are doing well married to another young woman who is much more stable! Thanks so much for returning -- three years later -- to give us such good news. I wish you and your new bride the very best!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Nuram,

Happy to hear you've recovered from that hell.

If you don't mind, can you elaborate on how your ex-wife's life turned out? Did she ever end up being diagnosed or at least examined for personality disorders? How is she doing now?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Oh my! I opened this thread and was not sure if I was dreaming so the post was to old! Then, as I was reading I became interested anyway. What a nightmare! I am sure whatever happened to you, your ex's parents were aware of the issue and kept is as secret. They wanted only her to get married. Maybe they were hoping to get a break from her, or that when she is married her symptoms would decrease. Congratulations and the best of wishes with your new family!, Me too I would like to know what happened to you ex. I hope she received a treatment.


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