# Husband controls with money



## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

We have a traditional marriage. 27 years, five kids. He worked out, I worked as a SAHM. I also did many side jobs for extra money, including developing a home based small business with wholesale accounts and a website. 

He always spent more on himself and his department. If the kids or I needed anything, we had to hear the 20 minutes of berating about all the bills due before he would talk to us about what we need and how he could work that out. 

When I was 50, and told him I wanted to talk about money, he took my grocery money away, saying I din't need it now that the kids are gone and he didn't like that I loaned them a little money now and then and he would buy the groceries and put gas in my car when he was with me. My God.

I am not *allowed* to know about our income, the bills or have any input into spending decisions. Since I thought we were broke all the time, I tried to help by shopping clearance, resale or not needing anything to take the pressure off him. Within the past couple years he had gone on a manic spending spree and I found that he had been secret spending. Shipping expensive fluff purchases to secret addresses. I found he had several credit cards I didn't know about. 

He gives me the big head of the household talk and that he gives me what I need. I told him I would like some mad money to buy some sheets on sale when I see them. 

I wasn't allowed to work out of the house in the early years because his first wife cheated. He blew a gasket when I wanted to go back to school, so that didn't happen. Fast forward 18 years and the kids left home and he is now mad that I "think I am retired now."

I got a part time job and when I did, he stopped giving me money for anything. He took all the money out of our joint bank accountand keeps it at 0. He stopped buying food for the past year and kept his deli food in his personal fridge in the pole barn. 

We own a business together but he gives me only the signature page for the taxes. When I went to see the accountant to see what I'd be signing he was so mad because I embarrassed him because I was so awkward and rude to the people he has to do business with. 

I don't know if there is debt or stashed money. He doesn't ask if I need or want anything. 

Rambing here...sorry. 

I feel as a faithful and vested wife of 27 years, I should be a partner in our finances and future planning. I think he's so wrong and I have tried to get respect and quality by asking for transparency and asking to see a counselor together (I did see one myself and she said to find out about our finances, I knew that.) He won't do it. It's been seven years since I asked to negotiate an adult marriage. 

I'm madder than a wet hen.

What say you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What say me? I say that you've taught him that your protests can safely be ignored and you won't do anything about it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, what power does he actually have? If you want to go to school, go to school. He'll make unhappy faces and unpleasant noise, sulk off to the pole barn and make himself a sandwich. I assume you actually got a chance to see the income tax return. Find anything suspicious? Depending on your state, you own half of whatever he thinks he owns. It's in his interest to keep you reasonably content. It's in your interest to be reasonably content if you can. Leave, and what do you end up with? Probably not much. If you stick around, you'll presumably end up with his life insurance, his social security survivor benefits, most likely the home and business, etc. An added measure of security would be a decent paying career for yourself. That would usually require some education. Kids are out of the house and according to your husband, you're "retired", so why not? This guy sounds greedy. Use that to your advantage. Take some accounting classes or maybe some stock trading classes. If he thinks your involvement will actually make him money or save him some, he just might lead you to his secret pirate chest (which probably contains more bills than gold coins).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He treats you like a doormat because you've allowed him to treat you like a doormat. He wouldn't "allow" you to work? This isn't 100 years ago, meaning you agreed to this arrangement. You went along with this so own up to it. As for right now, show him a lawyers' card and a mc's card, and tell him he can pick which one you visit. This can either become an equitable partnership or he can split up the assets and pay you alimony, his choice. It's possible his first wife cheated because he's a controlling arse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I posted in your other thread:



Hope1964 said:


> Wow, he sounds incredibly selfish, rude, controlling and abusive. How can you live like that? Have you ever sought out counseling for yourself to help you get the strength to leave him?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Exactly what lifeistooshort said. 
That and what unbelievable says..."skulking off tobthe pole barn to make a sandwich", i actually laughed at that. 
Get on with it. Get on with your life, lady. You sound 180% smarter than your husband gives you credit for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

Yep, I'm owning it! I had to wake up to it first. I've been through a year of counsel. It has helped me sort things out in my head but not so easy to poke the bear. I trusted him and depended on him and it's hard to accept that he **** on me and I let him do it. I bounce back and forth between realities. 

I've taken lot's of steps. My own bank account and credit card, job, finding info on accounts. Some I don't have access to. 

I wouldn't stay under these circumstances waiting for some future security. He has always been a selfish spender and not too savvy with business and savings. 

The idea of school was 18 years ago. I'm not too keen now on going for a degree but I will have to find a job to support myself. I hear spousal support is hard to enforce and since he wouldnt' give me money when I was his good wife, he's sure not going to pay out an ex, and he's said as much. 

How do some of you handle finances in your marriages? I knew I had a problem, I just didn't know how prevalent this male privilege thing is out there.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

*I make the money.
my wife spends it.*

haha jk had to do it!

seriously, 
I work, my wife is a SAHM.
she manages what bills are due when and makes sure they are paid on time and all that.
I do not keep a strict eye on the bank accounts but I know roughly what should be in them. I help her strategize and manage our savings.
if the kids need something she is welcome to buy it as necessary.
we have an informal agreement to notify/ask (if you will) each other about personal purchases over 50 dollars.
I do not hammer her about not working. or "my money". that's BS.
she raises our children and keeps our house. the importance of which eclipses my job, IMO. mine is necessary, hers is important.
that's the way I see it.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Wow, sorry but your H sounds like a complete psycho. And to think he's out spending secret money on things you have no clue about. Ha!
What a hypocrite!

Me and my H are partners with finances. We talk about everything, plan what we want to spend, buy, etc. But if I decide to go drop money on whatever I think is good to buy, there's no issue. 

The only way I ask what I should be spending is purely out of respect of my husband if anything. Overall, we discuss mutually as a team, and give each other free spending. Unless of course it's a big item, then we discuss it and decide if we should be dropping money on it.


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## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

Ha, the joke is funny...because it's a joke. I love that you value your wife's great work. Funny, we had an informal $50 disclosure as well. 

But while I was scrimping for gas money, he sneaks another $3500 guitar into the house. He must have had his fingers crossed behind his back. Psycho.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Shipping fluff stuff to secret addresses? WTF?

I wonder what you'd see if "he" requested a copy of his credit reports.

You, uhm, he can request one free from the three credit reporting agencies. Beware that they will pester you to sign up for monitoring plans, and may call your phone. Also, there will be a record that"he" obtained his credit report.

I would want to know what debts and credit cards he might be hiding.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You should be talking about all this, especially the financial stuff, with a lawyer soon. You do not want him to acquire liabilities that impact your future, and I believe there are specific steps you can take to protect yourself.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> He treats you like a doormat because you've allowed him to treat you like a doormat. He wouldn't "allow" you to work? This isn't 100 years ago, meaning you agreed to this arrangement. You went along with this so own up to it. As for right now, show him a lawyers' card and a mc's card, and tell him he can pick which one you visit. This can either become an equitable partnership or he can split up the assets and pay you alimony, his choice. It's possible his first wife cheated because he's a controlling arse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I would do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do I say? I say borrow some money from family or friends, find a lawyer, and serve him with separation papers. Let him see what he's been taking for granted for 25 years walking out the door. THEN when he wants you back, you calmly say 'I will control the money from now on. If you don't like that, goodbye.'

Question, though: Is he overbearing in any other way as well, or just the money?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Wet-Hen, it is over. Done with. Time to leave this bastard. At his age, the chances of him changing are about 1 in a million. Each day you stay with this hemorrhoid is one less day of your life. You life has value. You must love yourself, and embrace your life, and make it yours. He will never do it. All you are is a tax write off to him. Get out and find someone that will appreciate you, respect you, and treat you like a lady.


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