# His needs, her needs: he doesn't have ANY apparently!



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wasn't sure where to post this but I'll try in here...

After our last MC, me and my H were having a conversation on the way home. We'd been talking about needs in the session, and started with my need for quality time. On the way home, I was asking was he getting anything out of counseling? He said he was fine with going but didn't feel he was learning anything or getting much out of it and suggested I might want to go for IC instead.

I steered things towards needs, and explained that I knew he didn't have the same need for quality time, so it was probably hard for him to understand, and that everyone has different needs.

He stepped up on his high horse, and said this is where he was different, because he's never looked to another person to feel validated, to feel, say, attractive, or to make him happy. I explained he was misunderstanding: that he was talking about himself as an individual, and that I meant needs for me/him and part of this marriage. He said again, he didn't need someone else to "make" him happy. He didn't have those needs, and he didn't judge anyone else who does, he just doesn't have those needs.

I said OK. How about looking at it like this: when you have a relationship, you'd be pretty pissed off if you didn't get any sex ever wouldn't you? That's an expectation you have.

He looked thoughtful. I explained (patiently!) that as an individual, you don't have that same need/expectation to be fulfilled, maybe with your hand but not from another person

I then said about as a couple, how would you feel if we lived together, had our partnership, cared for the kids, but never actually spent ANY time together as a couple? He laughed. He understood, but said he didn't have "needs".

I said I think you do. He asked what? I said I think you need to be appreciated. I think you need to feel admired for who you are and what you do. He got really defensive, said, "you might be right, but I'm fed up of talking about it, I'm tired, it's been a long day, etc" and cut it off.

So is anyone else with a man/woman like this? My H is insistent he IS an island apparently but doesn't see the inherent irony in saying that yet being married!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think he doesn't have any 'needs' because he doesn't want to have to worry about yours.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

It sounds like when you say "we all have needs" he's hearing it as "you are weak."


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## hoping4better (Jun 26, 2011)

He might be seeing "needs" in the context of what you described in the MC session, i.e. the emotional aspects of intimate conversation affection etc... which he and most guys (like me) dont naturally gravitate towards. On the other hand, when you mention sex as a potential example of his need, again he might confuse that with "rights" (i.e. he may see sex as his right vs his need)..just guessing here. The premise that your wife is like your parents in a way and will love you no matter what is pretty inaccurate and a lot of men may not realize that..just my 2 cents


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have no expectations. Not quite the same thing. I have not verbally or, as far as I can tell, any other way, requested a single thing of my wife in I don't how long. My 'needs' are 'wants' and they won't be met anyway so there's no point in dredging it up. 

In therapy the point is to move forward. But if your partner isn't really in synch with that then all the discussions don't lead anywhere. So I can understand someone who says 'I have no needs' when it's clear that talking about them will just generate a litany of why their needs are bull****. 

It's not about 'being an island'. It's more like being a mule. The mule's job is to be a mule. Pull that wagon. Stop asking me if I'm happy in the harness.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

As I read this opening thread, I thought this guy really doesn't get it. Is he emotionally inept?

Seems as though you are banging your head off a thick brick wall.

Either he is in or out of the marriage. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

You have a need. A need for him to understand his needs and your needs.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

totallyconfused said:


> It sounds like when you say "we all have needs" he's hearing it as "you are weak."


Yeah: he prefaced what he said with ,"I don't think that people who have needs have a weakness, BUT..."

Our MC thinks everything I say is screaming that I want to be "on the radar." That I need to feel valued. She feels he is very self-sufficient and doesn't always reach out to show his feelings, even though they are there. 

I guess I just want some fantasy-type shouting "I love this woman, my beautiful and amazing wife!" from the rooftops. Which is stupid really, because I knew full well he wasn't like that when we got married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well clearly he has SOME need to feel heard/admired/desired or something....otherwise he wouldn't have had an EA, now wouldn't he? 

It had to have fulfilled something inside him, otherwise why would he have done it?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Well clearly he has SOME need to feel heard/admired/desired or something....otherwise he wouldn't have had an EA, now wouldn't he?
> 
> It had to have fulfilled something inside him, otherwise why would he have done it?


Oh yes. He sees what he did as wrong, and inappropriate at the very least. He says he liked the ego boost (so, feeling admired I guess.) See, this is where I come unstuck with my theorizing because he says I gave him that anyway, the admiration, the ego boosting, I made him feel great about himself anyway. He sought "outside" affirmation of that. I know he found the day to day stresses of work and home and family hard, and I guess to some degree he didn't have any of that with her. There was also a distinct mismatching of boundaries in that he convinced himself along the way that everything that was happening was just him and her being friends. I think he realizes now he knows deep down that wasn't the case and he knew he was "crossing the line" because he kept it secret.

So he was seeking admiration, which he already had ooodles of *shrugs* He says it was him and not anything to do with me or how things were at home. Our MC suggested to him that maybe he doesn't realize he HAS needs because all of his are being met? He didn't have anything to say about that.

He also said that he doesn't NEED me to tell him he's attractive, that I love him, because he KNOWS that all ready. Um, yes he IS emotionally inept at times, I am obviously doing something to meet his (imaginary) needs if he feels loved, cherished and desired without having to ask for it, yes?


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## Phil00 (Aug 26, 2011)

Everyone has their own way to interpret and understand things. I think you are overlooking a lot of stuff which actually shows that he his open. This discussion has been turning on how he is 'wrong' and this and that. but doesn't seem like much help to me, and I think that you should be focusing the light upon you not him. He's been telling you he is not getting much from counseling and that he didn't feel that was of much help. etc. he's been sharing his mind and thoughts with you, and yet you keep tryin' to work a dead end. I am not married and not even in a couple so you are free to ignore me, but giving it a thought might not hurt. who knows. to finish: It's very difficult 'judging' a situation with little bits of information. Telling us what happened doesn't help assess the situation, it can only be misleading if one is to believe he can understand the whole picture from this one retelling of occurrences.

Instead of looking for what is wrong, might as well look upon what is good and use it.

You don't open a box by pushing it.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

There are a lot of men who have the need to 'be a man'. Through socialization one tenant of that is that they don't "need" anyone or anything else...they are content, secure, feel good about themselves, confident, etc.

That doesn't mean insecurities don't reside under the surface. However, just because he's not admitting to them doesn't mean he doesn't want to admit them to you or the MC. In fact, he might be most afraid of admitting them to himself. Or, if he does admit them to you that would show weakness...and a man should not be weak.

Sadly, MC with a female counselor is probably a bad idea for your husband. He seems like the type of guy that no is just not going to take what a female counselor says too seriously because how could she possibly know what it's like to be a male? He probably sees "counseling" as a female type thing...all touchy & feely, and yet ANOTHER way for you women to gab endlessly about yourselves. Unfortunately this is how many males think.

Best bet might be to switch to a male couselor, or have him see a male counselor individually. Not some lapdog academic type, but a guy he might see as more a learned mentor.


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