# found out about affair devastated



## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

hi all, 

I am reeling after finding out three days ago that my husband had an affair.

So background: we've been married little over a year. We got married cuz I got knocked up, with twins. It was a rough pregnancy, I was off and on bedrest and after I had my babies I suffered bad postpartum depression. I found out that he was or had used some painkillers to deal with stresses and snapped. I left, and went to my parents house and barely talked to him. He came every day to see his sons but I avoided contact with him. We saw someone for counseling and I ended up saying some very mean things. Well, I got medication and started to feel better, and then we reconciled. Things were going very well for a few months until...

tuesday night he went to take a call outside, which is unusual. I went to put something in the kitchen and heard him talking low and heard some things. He was telling someone never to call him again and the look on his face... I just knew.

It turned out he had, while we were separated, had a brief affair with a neighbor. To make matters worse, she was planning on telling me and revealing something else, that she had gotten pregnant. While we were moving forward in our marriage he was, on the side, arranging for her to have an abortion, paying for it and going to the appts with her.

I am so angry, and hurt, and disgusted. I always thought if my husband cheated on me I wouldn't be one of these ladies that just forgave... I'd never put up with that, but now that I am here I am seeing that the situation is more complicated than that. I need to vent. I can't tell anyone about this, if I want to stay with him. 

should I trust him??? how can I let this go? I have so many feelings right now, I don't know where to start.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Welcome, so sorry you've joined us. You are in a good place. There are many people here who have been dealing with this for a long time. My best advice is to listen to their advice.

No matter what he is 100% responsible for his affair. Hang on to that.




redtulips said:


> I need to vent. I can't tell anyone about this, if want to stay with him.
> 
> 
> This statement bothers me but I'll let some of the more established members tell you why.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm pro family, but this guy isn't acting like a man at all. Don't give him a pass on this horrible selfish behavior.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

I'm so glad to be here and get advice from people who have been there. I feel so overwhelmed and lonely right now it does not help!

I might have to explain why I can tell others about this right now? I sorta talked down my husband a lot when I was struggling with the depression.. everything seemed like such a big deal, and my family is left with a very poor impression to say the least. I can't add to that right now and still see my family alot AND stay with my husband...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OMG. The OW is your neighbor and she got pregnant. Once again, affair sex = unprotected sex. You need to get yourself tested for STDs, who knows who else she's been having sex with besides your WH. Is the OW still pregnant? I know you mentioned he went to the appointments with her, did she actually get the abortion? 

If the OW is married, then you also need to expose the affair to her BH. 

What he needs to do right now, is give you complete and total disclosure. Have him write out a timeline of the affair. Then he writes out a NC letter in front of you and you deliver it to her BH if she has one. 

If you're interested in R, then you will have to monitor him, this means keyloggers and VARs in strategic places.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

lord I don't know what OW, R, VAR, NC, BH means? Okay I have a guess at a couple but I'm not sure! then i'll know what this whole thing means, ty


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

oh btw in the mountains of information i've gathered so far he did get himself tested after his 'encounter' with her


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are going in the wrong direction, the last thing you want to do is keep quite.

See expose will add consequences to his behavior. he needs consequence in order to see the wrong he has done and is *still*doing.

expose,expose, expose.

If this nieghbor has a boy friend os husband then he should be the first to know. thsi will also give you an extra set of eyes to see if the affair is continuing.

You are sweeping this crap under the rug and it doesn't work.

It happened once with no consequences, now it happens again and you won't tell no one........can you see the mistakes you are making?


Until OW (other wemen) are out of the picture you are in a losing battle.

Again please reconsider exposing this to OW BF/ husband and his family. It is a consequence he must face.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

R=reconcile
BH= betrayed husband
NC= no contact
VAR=voice activated recorder


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

redtulips said:


> lord I don't know what OW, R, VAR, NC, BH means? Okay I have a guess at a couple but I'm not sure! then i'll know what this whole thing means, ty


OW other woman
R reconciliation
VAR voice activated recorder
NC no contact
BH Betrayed Husband


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do get soft girl, tough love is the only approach!


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

oh ok! ty guy.

So ok. What i learned from him is that she did get the abortion and half his motivation for doing the appts was to make sure it was a done deal. 

This neighbor isn't married.

I totally agree about monitoring him... i was considering telling him i was going to spy on his emails and phone and everything else I could.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

the guy... i guess my problem is ... i'm worried about my own peace of mind too! if my parents hate his guts and I stick with him its going to be verrryyy uncomfortable... for me! not to mention possible consequences for my babies as time goes on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

redtulips said:


> lord I don't know what OW, R, VAR, NC, BH means? Okay I have a guess at a couple but I'm not sure! then i'll know what this whole thing means, ty


Click on the Welcome thread in my signature. There's a wealth of information in that thread. Here's the acronyms:


A = Affair
AP = Affair Partner
BH = Betrayed Husband
BNO = Boys Night Out
BW = Betrayed Wife
BS = Betrayed Spouse
DDay = Discovery Day
DW = Disloyal Wife
DH = Disloyal Husband
DS = Disloyal Spouse
D = Divorce
EA = Emotional Affair
fWW = Former Wayward Wife
fWH = Former Wayward Husband
fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
GNO = Girls Night Out
IC = Individual Counselling
ILYBINILWY = I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
KISA = Knight In Shining Armor
LS = Loyal Spouse
MC = Marriage Counselling
OM = Other Man
OW = Other Woman
OMW = Other Man’s Wife
ONS = One Night Stand
OWH = Other Woman’s Husband
PA = Physical Affair
R = Reconciliation
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
STBXH = Soon To Be Ex Husband
STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife
TF = Toxic Friend(s)
TT = Trickle Truth
VAR = Voice Activated Recorder
WW = Wayward Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WS = Wayward Spouse


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

oohhh ok ty! i guess i shoulda read that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

redtulips said:


> I totally agree about monitoring him... i was considering telling him i was going to spy on his emails and phone and everything else I could.


No, you don't tell him that you're going to monitor him. He has to willingly hand over any and all passwords to all accounts that he has. This has to be voluntary. You see, if he's truly remorseful, he should be moving heaven and earth to win you back and earn back your trust that he destroyed. Take a look at this table:


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

at this pt I'm fairly sure he'll do whatever I ask. he swears he has no interest in this person and has been avoiding contact with her since the medical stuff was done, and then it was only about scheduling that. He says he only talked with her then because after not communicating with at all she showed up at his work to demand a meeting and if he didn't she'd tell me about everything. He says he refused that.... so.. do I believe him? I guess i mostly do, or I want to at least... but then i'm worried i'm being naive or, i don't know... he does seem very sorry anyway, looks awful

so for the list... i told him to answer me honestly everything i asked and if i found out he was lying on a single detail i could not forgive him. i think he has been pretty forthcoming about the details i've wanted.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I totally agree about monitoring him... i was considering telling him i was going to spy on his emails and phone and everything else I could.


*You don't tell him a thing*. You tell him he needs to be transparent about his phone (not deleting texts, allowing you look at it), his emails (giving your passwords), his whereabouts.. but you, at his back embrace the policy of "trust but verify" (You check the phone bill, you put spyware at the PC/phone), he goes totally NC with OW for now on. He send a NC letter (ask here for templates). he provide a full disclosure of the affair at your satisfaction.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

redtulips said:


> at this pt I'm fairly sure he'll do whatever I ask. he swears he has no interest in this person and has been avoiding contact with her since the medical stuff was done, and then it was only about scheduling that. He says he only talked with her then because after not communicating with at all *she showed up at his work to demand a meeting* and if he didn't she'd tell me about everything. He says he refused that.... so.. do I believe him? I guess i mostly do, or I want to at least... but then i'm worried i'm being naive or, i don't know... he does seem very sorry anyway, looks awful


Alright, if he's truly remorseful, then have him write the NC letter, and mention in the letter that if she continues to contact him, that he will have a Restraining Order/Protection Order out against her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop think he is forthcoming, and do you own investigations to confirm his words and actions.

Get a VAR, GPS, and keyloggers.

Once you validate for your self, then his words mean nothing. Now is the time to go stealth and confirm his commitment.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

acabado yes ok that makes sense. ty

mayhem yes... thats part of my stress, not knowing what kind of woman i am going to have to deal with now. i'll definitely keep that one in mind.

the guy, i don't know, i do plan on being vigilant, because otherwise, i'll go crazy. I really will. I have to know everything now, i don't doubt that.but should i totally distrust him? as hurt as i am... i dont feel like he went out with bad intentions and i dont *think* he has them now


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

umm well let me explain part of the reason i have so many conflicting emotions here. I really treated him... super harshly, and i said some pretty hard things to him and he was at the point that he thought i was gonna end it. We didn't know exactly how much of my responses at that time were due to depression that would lift, until it did, and i realized how difficult i was.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

is it bad to keep thinking out loud here? it feels good to get these thoughts and feelings out somewhere.

should i feel good or bad about him wanting her to get an abortion? when i got preggers he never so much as hinted at that. that has to mean something?? and i know he was wanting to cover stuff up too... but... considering i had left him some months earlier for a much lesser cause he was scared to death of losing me?

he doesn't fake emotions well and the pain and grief on his face is very strong.

am i wearing rose colored glasses here and being foolish or does this make some sense??


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

redtulips said:


> umm well let me explain part of the reason i have so many conflicting emotions here. I really treated him... super harshly, and i said some pretty hard things to him and he was at the point that he thought i was gonna end it. We didn't know exactly how much of my responses at that time were due to depression that would lift, until it did, and i realized how difficult i was.


We get it, *you were emotionally and verbally abusive to him*. Yes, that's your fault, *but that is not an excuse to cheat.* He should have the honorable thing and ended it with you before he decided to cheat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Girl this ain't about how you treated him, its about making sure you are not continuely being decieved and betrayed.

You owe it to your self that what happens next is real and true.

As far as he is concerned you are going to end it until he does the heavy lifting to keep you are around.

Don't back off you are on a roll and if your man can't handle the consequences well then he can't handle the heavy lifting either.

You confidence is starting to slip, so get it together.

I think....I know the tough love approach is the only way.

Girl you are second quessing your resolve and that will show weakness and your old man will see this and the A may not continue, but his behavior could stop for a time and start up with some other chick years from now.

So screw this "I'm this and I'm that" and set your damb boundries and stick with it.

See he needs to see how hurt you really are so stop making excuses for it.

You are justified, and its time he show some degree of submission to keep his marriage and if he can't show that, then how remorseful is he.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

Sure... but that's not the question?? the issue is having circumstances that are out of the ordinary that might change outcomes or approaches to this issue. If he was put to the ultimate test, so to speak, by my behavior, shouldn't that be a consideration when i'm figuring out if i should forgive and trust him now?

and btw, in my defense, i was seriously chemically imbalanced. i'm just wanting to keep in mind the circumstances if that makes sense.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

i hear you guy... i'm just really wanting to understand this i think. like if i can understand it then maybe it won't hurt so bad.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

i really hope i'm not being annoying here. it's just been a rollercoaster... i have barely slept or eaten in the last few days and have felt so many emotions. We went from being really happy the last couple of months to this disaster. Several days ago I was totally in love with this person and grateful to have such a loving patient husband and spouse. how do i take into account this new information?? is he now a total stranger to me?

again i know i am ranting here... and i thank you all for your patience


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

redtulips said:


> Sure... but that's not the question?? the issue is having circumstances that are out of the ordinary that might change outcomes or approaches to this issue. If he was put to the ultimate test, so to speak, by my behavior, shouldn't that be a consideration when i'm figuring out if i should forgive and trust him now?
> 
> and btw, in my defense, i was seriously chemically imbalanced. i'm just wanting to keep in mind the circumstances if that makes sense.


Well baby if this was the "ultimate test" he failed. Question is are you going to sit there and let him think that he can cheat any time he is having a problem with you? Because baby, that's what you're doing


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hit my wife, my M was in the sh8ts, your WH choose to handle his crappy marriage by stepping out. My fWW choose the same path.

They both could have told us to pound sand and hit the road, instead they scewed around on us.

I went to anger managemant, you go to therpy, me and you can go and fix our selves, just like our spouse can go and fix them selve.

My old lady can make all the excusses in the world why she cheated but at the end of the day she had a choice....divorce me or decieve me.


I want to commend you on seeing your own faults for the unhealthy M ..... but it has nothing to do with how your man handled it.


2 issues her 1) a unhealthy marriage 2) how we deal with it.

stop 2nd guessing your resolve and stay confident that you will not share your man no mattes how nuts you are.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

yes and I totally see what you are saying there. I think the thing is... 

we didn't know I was suffering from ppd, we didn't realize it. I think it was very confusing for him not knowing, are we going to be okay? why does she suddenly treat me like this? cuz it happened pretty suddenly, well, it crept in the last two months of my pg or so and really got bad after the babies. I'm normally a little on the chipper side, and suddenly, i'm ms. doom and am not sure i should have ever married him and ... i was totally fighting it, so sometimes i'd break through and ask him to be patient and hang on, and then it would overpower me and i'd say kinda crappy stuff (and not that he was totally angelic, aside from the affair either, but it was an intense time!)

but i am sure about this at least, -- if this ever happens again i will not stick around. i'm really not a pushover. I'm just normally.. happy with this man, though i hate THIS so much


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Well baby if this was the "ultimate test" he failed. Question is are you going to sit there and let him think that he can cheat any time he is having a problem with you? Because baby, that's what you're doing


yes, I really think this is a valid point. I do not think this is at all okay in any way and it cannot happen again, at the very least. I guess what i've been asking myself is... can i go forward from here? do I want to? and that's when i take into account the mitigating circumstances. if he was doing this under ordinary conditions maybe id have more cause for concern? 

that's my thinking anyway.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> *You don't tell him a thing*. You tell him he needs to be transparent about his phone (not deleting texts, allowing you look at it), his emails (giving your passwords), his whereabouts.. but you, at his back embrace the policy of "trust but verify" (You check the phone bill, you put spyware at the PC/phone), he goes totally NC with OW for now on. He send a NC letter (ask here for templates). he provide a full disclosure of the affair at your satisfaction.



I agree totally with the above, and I don't believe you have to expose his affair to your family to have true reconciliation.
Good luck and sorry your here.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Consequences need to be faced, with out them this behavior will continue. You already tried the nice guy appraoch and were did it get you?
A tough love appraoch will show you his true remorse, and a commitment to own this crap.
Expose this crap and show OW you will no longer share your husband.

Thats my $0.02


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RedTulip,

Did you get yourself to your doctor? First balance your emotions at this stage.

Read the newbies link under AlmostRecvoered's signature.

It takes time to heal. so take good care of yourself.

AU


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

redtulips said:


> oh ok! ty guy.
> 
> So ok. What i learned from him is that she did get the abortion and half his motivation for doing the appts was to make sure it was a done deal.
> 
> ...


You should not have to spy. He should show you them all voluntarily.

This is a horrible story. It's probable that you had post natal depression (as it's called in the UK) and when you distanced yourself from him, he was crushed.

The neighbour spotted this and, like a velociraptor on speed, got her claws in him damn fast.

Oh. Just a thought: Was her baby his? Did she know she was pregnant and did she use your husband to fund the abortion?

I do hope you and your husband can work this all out and move forward (one way or another) from a tough place in your lives.

My best wishes to you all, including your twins!


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

ty matt  . It may be as you say, that he was in part using him. I guess I'm not sure about that. but ... it is true she always knows whats going on in the neighborhood and noticed i was gone.

I definitely had postpartum depression, and I'd warn anybody who is preggers or who has a spouse who is to keep an eye out for that its so tough. 

thank you for the good wishes matt. i'm still taking it all in and trying to figure out what it all *means* about him and our marriage.


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