# My wife lives in the basement...I need help



## rakms5 (Aug 23, 2013)

I hope I don't make a fool of myself here. I have never asked for support from anyone before, especially strangers. But I don't know what to do anymore and I am becoming very unhealthy stressing over it. I have even considered ending my life over this but I have three beautiful children and I could never do that to them. Here is my story:
Both my wife and I are 37 years old. Today is our 12th Anniversary. For about 1 1/2 yrs my wife started to become very distant from me and at times the entire family. She would seem to like being on the computer and the phone texting than doing anything else. In February of this year she was in the bedroom and I asked her what was wrong and bought up that she seemed distant. She said she did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She said that she had been thinking about this for many years and was not just a spur of the moment decision. I did not know what to do. I was so shocked. She said that I never gave her the feeling that I loved her or the attention that she needed and now has to think about herself. She said that she tried to make it work many times but I did not see it or catch on or something. I guess I was very blind as to what was going on. I have a very stressful job so I do carry that around with me. I also was on medication that took the life out of me. I did not want to talk to people and just sit around all the time. It was supposed to do the opposite. We went to a marriage counselor in May. The counselor asked "what can we do here to get this marriage back on track". My wife said "nothing i want out now". The counselor was some what shocked that she would not talk about anything. Session lasted about 10min, he gave us some information on how to do the divorce papers and sent us on our way. That same month my wife moved all of her things down to the basement and has lived there ever since. She still come up stairs to watch TV with us, she eats with us, she does everything she did before except sleep in our bedroom. I figured that she would have the papers drawn up and given to me right after that. But she never did. She wanted me to do the paper work. I told her it was her idea she needs to do them. It is August 25th and I have yet to see them. 
In July I took my kids out to see their grandparents (both sides). I needed some time to think. When I go back I decided that my love for my wife is too strong to let this just end. I stopped taking all my medications so I was in my frame of mind and not some drug induced state. It was hell but I made it through. When I felt the time was right I told her everything that was in my heart. I told her I loved her and would do anything to keep this marriage. She said I never shared feelings before so why now. I started going to the gym, being nice when I was around her, telling her how good she looks, etc. etc. She told me on the 12th of August that she will hold off on the divorce papers but she does not love me and never will. I was actually happy but very sad at the same time. I started reading everything I could about being a good husband and how to save a marriage. I found out that alot of what I was doing was actually pushing her away so I stopped sending her texts and saying things like I lover her. I just continue to be nice and helpful, but at the same time leave her alone. 
I hope this is all making sense.
Things took a turn the other day when I found out that she has been talking to numerous guys on internet chat rooms. What I read was not just talking, there was a lot of sexual things going on. This was like a kick in the gut. I would have never thought that she would do this. This ate at me so bad that I feel like I have the flu all the time. I finally asked her last night about it. I first asked if she has been with anyone else while we have been married. She said she would never tell me either way. As far as the guys online she said they were people in her support group. I don't know what support group she is in, but she has never talked to me the way she talked to these guys. I asked her if in her heart does she see this marriage continuing, she said no. She does not love me anymore and all the nice things, compliments etc. I have been giving out just makes her uncomfortable because she says that is not the true me. 
I don't know what to do at this point. I need to look out for my kids. A part of me says to tell her to get out but I am afraid she will take the kids and I will not see them everyday. She does not have a job or any other money so. If she did I suppose she would have been gone a while ago. Do i tell her to leave? Do I just let her stay for the kids sake and just be nice and helpful around the house and just go on like nothing happened? I am truly at a loss here. I love her very much and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Does anyone have any advice?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Oh boy! You obviously did not receive a hard enough kick in the gut yet. I'll do the deed.

Wake the f*** up. Your disrespectful piece of crap wife is cake eating and making a fool out of you. Where are your balls? Go to the basement and check her trash can. She probably threw your balls there a long time ago.

She has no respect, absolutely no respect for you. She's a lying, abusive c*nt. How do you get any sleep knowing that your wife is using your income to have fantasies of other men's d1cks entering her vagina? Is that what you want to be? A pimp for your wife?

Get your ass in gear and understand your addiction. You're an addict. Your addiction is called "codependency". Google it and acknowledge it. 

Start being a man again. Stop being such a p*ssy NOW.

Follow these commandments and spend a whole week crying your eyes out if needed, but follow the commandments. If you want to find your balls back stop doing whatever you're doing and only follow the commandments. DO NOT REGRESS.

Your wife needs to get the f*** out, but you need to talk to a lawyer first and do things right. Call a lawyer today and start on the commandments. 

WAKE THE F*** UP:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Rak,

Synthetic has piled the homework on.

File for divorce asap. Hard 180.

How old are your children?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lets start with cutting her off.

Cancel the Internet, cell phones, take her name off checking accounts, etc.

If she wants to be single it's time she get a JOB.


----------



## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

I'd cut her off financially. She'll stick around until she finds a deal with another man that covers her expenses. Still buy food and stuff, but don't let her have any money for luxuries. Hopefully this will encourage her to find income of her own. 

If you go down the divorce road and she has no income, you'll likely get hammered for years. If she doesn't "love" you, then she's using you.


----------



## rakms5 (Aug 23, 2013)

Thank you so much for replying and telling it to me straight. To answer LongWalk's question the kids are 8,9 & 12. Two youngest are girls. I will start the 180 today.

I am just worried about the kids. I am worried that if I tell her to get out she is going to take the kids and I will not get to see them.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

tell her family what she is doing. 

cut off the money.

disconnect the internet.

kick her out and start filing.

start respecting yourself


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

get a keylogger on her PC. you need the evidence. they are not her support group.

does she go out often?



> I first asked if she has been with anyone else while we have been married. She said she would never tell me either way.


your wife is disgusting!!! that tells you enough,doesn't it ?

she will cause more damage to kids if you let her get away with this behavior


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to protect your children from the train wreck of your marriage. Having her run off with them is not a positive development. Since she has been a SAHM, she will probably claim a primary caregiver role in a physical custody dispute. Do you have a job that makes her responsible for taking care of getting them to school, etc. Can you provide a structure for daily life if she leaves?

Cutting off all her money will force to go to work. That will reduce alimony. So remove her means of support. Reducing her disposable income will make it more difficult for her to meet her virtual sex partners in real life. 

The way she has checked out of your marriage – and you are no doubt wondering what you have done wrong but that is of secondary importance at this point – does not bode well for her. She is anxious to experience being in love again. This is an understandable state of mind but the chances of her succeeding in meeting Mr Right on the Internet are probably not so great.

Given that she is hungry for new men and fresh thrills, she is not going to turn her support group guys into healthy LTR IMO. If she were more coherent, she would have made independence a goal prior to hunting for boyfriends.

She is probably going to have to suffer a series of setbacks before she becomes more rational. She may reevaluate you and your marriage in a more positive light, but probably not in the near future. And one pattern is that pride prevents WAW from expressing remorse.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

rakms5 said:


> Thank you so much for replying and telling it to me straight. To answer LongWalk's question the kids are 8,9 & 12. Two youngest are girls. I will start the 180 today.
> 
> I am just worried about the kids. I am worried that if I tell her to get out she is going to take the kids and I will not get to see them.


Being a man, this is a legitimate concern, but it is one you will have to deal with. You do not want your daughters seeing you accept being a door may or a backup plan. You must stand up and be a man for your children's sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to talk to a lawyer and find out your rights and responsibilities in your area. Typically, you can't "kick out" your spouse. Unless she's a danger to you, the kids, or your property (in which case you'd have to file for a restraining order), she has as much right to be in your house as you do. You can ask, suggest, threaten, etc... But if she decides she's comfy in the basement, that's where she can chose to stay until a judge says otherwise.

Second... In many jurisdictions, there would be 50/50 custody of the kids. But you'd want to get your ducks lined up before you confront her, legally speaking. Is one of you best suited to being a primary parent, or is one of you unavailable to be a primary parent? Like a travelling work situation? Again, get proper legal advice BEFORE you make any moves.

Your lawyer can also advise you about your support options. Hate to break it to you, but with her being unemployed, you may be on the hook for paying for her lifestyle. If she gets custody of the kids, it gets even worse. 

Not sure what the end result will be for you, but I'm hoping things "work out" for you soon. Whatever that ends up being. It probably can't be much worse than being in limbo like this. She has no reason right now to change anything, because that would involve moving out of her comfortable situation. It's time for you to start deciding what YOU want, and where you want things to go. Gather your information, and then act decisively and firmly.

C


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Oh and get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. More than once has a guy been thrown out of his home because the women claimed abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

rakms5 said:


> I don't know what to do at this point. I need to look out for my kids. A part of me says to tell her to get out but I am afraid she will take the kids and I will not see them everyday. She does not have a job or any other money so. If she did I suppose she would have been gone a while ago. Do i tell her to leave? Do I just let her stay for the kids sake and just be nice and helpful around the house and just go on like nothing happened? I am truly at a loss here. I love her very much and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Does anyone have any advice?


Oooooh... Wife asks for divorce... doesn't file... camps in basement... doesn't help with bills... parties with posOMs.

_That_ sounds familiar. 

You are where I was about a year ago. From very personal experience, I would recommend that you...

*DON'T MOVE OUT!* Not yet.
Get a good lawyer.
File for divorce.
Get a court order for a temporary custody schedule.
Get a court order for temporary child support until she (or you) moves out.
Use written communication with as much as possible, and save every message, note, text and email. Back those conversations up on occasion.
Split your finances... Eliminate joint accounts. Open your own. Get your name off her accounts. Run a free credit report and clean it up.
If you have the spare budget to do it, start aggressively paying down debts and saving money. You'll need it later.
...and do it as soon as possible.

You can't rely on her to move things forward. There's no reason for her to, unless you force the issue.

You can't rely on her to play fair. Protect yourself and your kids.


----------



## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Oooooh... Wife asks for divorce... doesn't file... camps in basement... doesn't help with bills... parties with posOMs.
> 
> _That_ sounds familiar.
> 
> ...


I went through the same thing too.

*Journal your activities with your kids, daily and email it to yourself.* That's court admissible.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Oooooh... Wife asks for divorce... doesn't file... camps in basement... doesn't help with bills... parties with posOMs.
> 
> _That_ sounds familiar.
> 
> ...


Pbartender is our resident basement-dweller expert.

I recommend you do exactly as he says.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Its really to bad that they Ban the people here that tell you the unvarnished truth. SYNTHETIC is a living GOD, in my small mind. I know that you were in shock when you STBXW told you ILYBIANILWY, but he is right, dump this POS. Just my 2 cents David. PS I went thru the same thing as you!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

synthetic said:


> Wake the f*** up. Your disrespectful piece of crap wife is cake eating and making a fool out of you. Where are your balls? Go to the basement and check her trash can. She probably threw your balls there a long time ago.......... She's a lying, abusive c*nt..........Start being a man again. Stop being such a p*ssy NOW.





Chris H. said:


> *Forum Rules:*
> 
> *1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.*
> Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.


Nuff said!


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

livinfree said:


> I went through the same thing too.
> 
> *Journal your activities with your kids, daily and email it to yourself.* That's court admissible.


I kept a paper diary-like journal of my parenting time, the parental responsibilities I took care of, and the money I spent on parenting. I also made note of when X was and was not at home.

It never got to the point where I had to use it as evidence in front of a judge, but I'm glad I had it in case I did.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Nuff said!


Tough love????


----------

