# Is This Acceptable?



## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

My husband and I are in our 50s. He has two children (15 and 17) I have none. The 17 y/o doesn't spend any time with us and it breaks my husband's heart so he is preoccupied with finding a way to be close to her. We have the 15 y/o son every other weekend and from Friday night to Sunday night my husband is in total engagement with the son. They go to play paintball every weekend together. On Friday night, they spend all evening preparing for the outing, including going in and out of the bedroom when I am trying to sleep. At night we have to sleep with our door open in case the son needs something. At 8 am on Sat morning, they leave and return at 8pm having eaten and too exhausted to do anything with me. On Sunday morning, my husband is exhausted and the son has to do his homework. ON the weekends we have alone, quite frequently, y husband uses the time to catch up on things. At night my husband comes home dead tired from work and uses his laptop until he goes to bed. We don't eat together except when we go out. I am on a diet. He brings home all kinds of junk food for his son and I asked him to hide this from me because its too hard to not resist. He accused me of not having self control, has mentioned several times how he finds it unacceptable that he has to hide the food for his kids. (cookies, donuts etc.). We have sex about once every month--after I have cried and complained that I am desperate for physical contact. I am not overweight, 5'7' 150, could lose a few pounds, very pretty face, but not skinny like his kids. He texts his kids a lot whenever we are alone. He refuses counseling, gets irritated when I try to discuss this, is perfectly happy with things as they are as long as I just act happy. I am not happy. I have explained my needs to him. He gives in a bit sometimes but no real commitment to making it better. Says its fine how it is. What should I do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? And the only person who can decide if things are acceptable is you. So, is it acceptable to you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

Two years. I have no kids so I am sure what I should expect from him. I am not ready to give up. I simply don't know how to change it. And yes, I've tried to get a change.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Different situation details but I had to sit my wife down and reserve my time with her off the top. Family and other activities pretty much had her 100%.

So I insisted on Friday nigth being our time. Date night.

I also insisted that I had first right of refusal on weekends. In other words check with me first. 

So while I understand his responsibilites as a dad. And these are imprtant years. You are getting a bad deal here.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

I don't feel like every other Friday or Sat. night, with me making all the plans or nothing happens is enough. He says he can't think of what to do except go out to eat and leaves any plan up to me on those brief times. I hate complaining. I'm just lonely and want affection and more relationship building. I guess I need to give him a list of the time I want.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And how long did you date before you got married? How was he before you got married?

I don't think that his time with his child is really excessive, but perhaps you could work on his workaholic tendencies? Why does he need to put in so much time?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Honeybee2 said:


> I don't feel like every other Friday or Sat. night, with me making all the plans or nothing happens is enough. He says he can't think of what to do except go out to eat and leaves any plan up to me on those brief times. I hate complaining. I'm just lonely and want affection and more relationship building. I guess I need to give him a list of the time I want.


What about when you were dating ?Did he have time to take you out and romance you right ? Then he should have time now when you are married  You should take turns planning your dates also if you have a date night every week.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Honeybee2 said:


> I don't feel like every other Friday or Sat. night, with me making all the plans or nothing happens is enough. He says he can't think of what to do except go out to eat and leaves any plan up to me on those brief times. I hate complaining. I'm just lonely and want affection and more relationship building. *I guess I need to give him a list of the time I want.*


I am saying that your time comes off the top. It is THE priority. You do not take all his time but your needs are met first as far as time with him.

Get His Needs her Needs. Read it. You must have quality one on one time together to bond.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Honeybee2 said:


> I don't feel like every other Friday or Sat. night, with me making all the plans or nothing happens is enough. .
> 
> I guess I need to give him a list of the time I want.


Because you worded it as the exact times he spends with his son it sounds like you are saying you want part of the time he spends with his son. Doesn't your husband live with you the other 5 days a week? His total time with his son is 5 days a month so he has 25 days a month to be with you. 

You should lay out your expectations that's fair. Your first post seems aimed at his kids and expressing that his time with them is taking away time with you. He is taking his time away from you not his kids.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Do you think you would like paintball? Or would they not let you play? It sounds like good exercise, and you could shoot at your husband and his son, all in good fun of course. 

One other thing is how interesting is the sex life. What I'm saying, don't just wait for him to take the lead...if you offer something different, once in a while, he might be more willing to make a date. 

A lot of the novelty maybe has worn off for him, maybe it's easy to see why his last marriage ended in divorce.

If he's not responsive to your needs and can't meet you halfway and you him, maybe history will repeat itself for him.

In any case, the son will grow up, just depends if you want it all now or can wait to see if time is in your favor.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

I do not spend 25 days a month with my husband. Thats the problem. I am not invited to join them on their weekends together and when we have a weekend alone, he doesn't spent it with me, he spends it taking care of responsibilities so he can be totally free for the time with his son. I like his son very much.

As far as sex goes, he is very visual, so I dress up in all kinds of clothing, shoes, make-up..if he wants I wear a wig. I have watched porn with him, I give him regular oral. If I put in the effort, we have sex. He never kisses me, doesn't make advances toward me, won't go down on me,(not his thing) only wants sex once a month and it has to be with me doing something elaborate to visually arouse him. Which I have done. 

He says he loves me. He makes no effort and when we are together all he does is talk about his kids, his crazy ex-wife and texts his kids a lot. I am not complaining about the kids. I am saying I am not sure if he is being normal or not. I know I sound clueless but I spent a long time in a marriage where my husband and didn't have kids and we spent a lot of time at least talking to one another.


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## Honeybee2 (May 3, 2014)

I've answered my own question. It is unacceptable to me. I would rather on the weekends his son comes that we plan on doing something as a family during at least some of that time. I believe that is reasonable. But they don't want to, they'd rather be alone. I have asked him when we are on our weekends that he make a big effort to do things with me and to be present with me. 

I understand that he is preoccupied with and misses his kids, but I have needs as well and I don't like taking a back seat to his kids. I work and pay my own bills, I go to every holiday with his family, I moved into his home so he could be near his kids, I only want for him to want to be with me, to desire me, to be interested in me, to build a future with me. And that isn't selfish, its what most people would want when they get married. Before we married he only saw me every other weekend. I was led to believe that when we married we would function more as a family. When we went on a family vacation last year, he slept in the bunk room with the kids and I slept downstairs.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

From the sounds of it your husband has about 6 nights and 4 days (Friday night to Monday morning) with his son every month. Out of 30 average. I think they should include you more. But I think you area actually competing with his work more than anything from the sound of it all. 

Is there a work related reason he's on his laptop in the evening?

What are his hours? 

commute?

Your hours at work? (I ask this because my wife is currently a full-time college student while I'm working 40 hours. Not keeping similar schedules she has loses touch with my work demands, etc, from time to time and we have to adjust for it.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honeybee2 said:


> What should I do?


Move out.


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