# Does my cheating wife really want to change?



## milky (Sep 16, 2010)

I posted a while back but I'll do fill in.

So, we're in separate countries until I get a new visa approved to go back there. We're newlyweds, and we have a child together.

Three months ago she began speaking to her ex which slowly progressed to two days of physical affair. I found out 3 days before, but she lied and said they stopped. Then they stayed in a hotel together. She lied about that too for about 2-3 weeks, when I pressured her to be honest with me.

The whole time I reminded her how much better I was, and that she needed think about the kind of person she is. She has a strong history of cheating, but also a tragic childhood - just to give you a background.

Eventually she broke down and told me everything. She came and visited me here for a few weeks, and poured her heart out. Even the feelings that she felt at the time - she didn't hold back as I told her she needed to be COMPLETELY honest even if it hurts me.

She admitted she thought she was in love, but knew it was wrong. She told me every detail, about how she would argue with herself but ultimately wanted to cheat. She said she has no excuse, but wants to prove that she will be honest with me no matter what happens. Anything I ask she will tell me the painful details, tell me how she felt at the time (which hurts still), then tell me how she regrets it now.

She's bought 4 books, messages me every hour, and responds to me instantly. She offers to show me her phone, bank, everything...and she doesn't turn down anything I question. She constantly says that she sees her future with me, reminds me that words are cheap but she will prove it, and always talks about how ashamed and regretful she is.

So far the progress seems great, but I truly believe once a cheater always a cheater. I feel there is a high risk of her doing it again, although not for years. Then again, I'm no professional.
That's pretty much it, and I just want to know if anyone has any advice. Or, if cheating wives really do change.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As a cheater myself, I can see where she is coming from. She realizes she made a mistake and is trying to give you every reason to trust her.

I have made the decision that if I get to that point again in my marriage, I'd walk before I cheated. if you can keep the lines of communication open with your wife so that she is free to express her sadness, displeasure, concerns with you, you can address them before it leads to an affair.

I don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" for everyone. You just have to take your situation on its own.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As a cheater myself, I can see where she is coming from. She realizes she made a mistake and is trying to give you every reason to trust her.

I have made the decision that if I get to that point again in my marriage, I'd walk before I cheated. if you can keep the lines of communication open with your wife so that she is free to express her sadness, displeasure, concerns with you, you can address them before it leads to an affair.

I don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" for everyone. You just have to take your situation on its own.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Give her time, and most important, give YOURSELF time. I believe she can change, and maybe you should give her a chance.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> So far the progress seems great, but I truly believe once a cheater always a cheater. I feel there is a high risk of her doing it again, although not for years. Then again, I'm no professional.
> That's pretty much it, and I just want to know if anyone has any advice. Or, if cheating wives really do change.


Everyone can change, and I do not believe in the concept of 'once a cheater, always a cheater' any more that I believe in the concept 'once a bachelor, always a bachelor' or 'once a thief, always a thief.' 

What she is doing is the right thing to do, and it is a great sign of intent and commitment. I've seen many marriages come out much stronger and more healthy after an affair - even more healthy that marriages in which such a thing never happens. The key is to learn commitment, and to actively pursue it. Your wife is doing just that. It is my guess (although I am not an oracle) that you have a very good chance at a great marriage. 

It all depends on what you are willing to put into it. You can see what you wife is putting into it!


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well... just bellieve that action speaks louder than words.

look at her behaviour and act everyday, you will get it from there.


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## milky (Sep 16, 2010)

Thanks for the responses guys...yeah, it's just I guess I still need time to get over it. I mean, I still feel like it would be completely unfair for me to give myself to her - and I know that is not the attitude to rebuild with. I'm just scared that it will happen again, because honestly I do not know her limits anymore.

I guess I'm ruthlessly generalizing the "once is always" out of anger. I actually do believe people can change. The day the images of them fooling around bury their selves, is the day I will probably start to believe it. I've never dealt with a scar this deep.

I appreciate everything you guys said.
Though it kills me that not many will understand the depth of my sorrow. Thanks.


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## milky (Sep 16, 2010)

By the way Tanelornpete, go Huskies! I'm from the Pacific NW myself. Thanks again for the 3rd time heh


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