# When did you start dating again?



## Sean Nolan (Oct 31, 2018)

Title says it all


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People need to read your other posts so that they understand what's going on with you. Here's the link.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/new-member-forum-introduce-yourself/429911-hi.html

Later I might merge the two into one thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Based on your other thread, you are most likely not ready to date yet. You and your wife have been separated for only a few days. You need to take time to process what is going on and to get over the breakup.

You said that you have no friends so that's where you need to start. You need to build a support system for yourself. If you don't and try to date, you will be too needy. You will drive potential dates away. No one wants to be your rebound.

Take a look at the website http://meetup.com Search in your area for thing that are going on that you enjoy.All you need to do for most of them is to show. There you will meet like-minded people, both men and women, who enjoy doing the same types of things that you enjoy. 

You mention that you have a friend who is very busy. Does he do things that he could include you in? Or perhaps you could invite him to join you in some of the meetup activities.

Also, you have children. So plan things to do with your children. You should start having your children stay over where you live, that will keep you busy. One thing you could do with your children is to attend the group Parents without Partners. There's a chapter in just about every town. You can take your kids and meet other men and women who are divorced/divorcing with children. My ex (son's father) met the woman he remarried at Parents without Partners. They have been married since about 2002 so I guess it worked for them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Don't be in such a hellhole rush, @sean Nolen ~ You are nowhere near ready to date! To do yourself and anyone else any good, you must first grieve the loss of your spouse. 

And over the due course of time, you will come to know when that exact point in time is!*


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it depends on what has been going on in the prior months and years. Generally, it is a poor idea to jump back into dating quickly after a recent, and unanticipated breakup. In my case, though, the breakup was mutually planned and implemented over a year-long period. I was ready to start dating immediately - and did, with none of the issues that can occur with rebound situations.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you're nowhere near ready date. You've only been separated a few days. Dating should be very, _very_, *very* far down on your list of priorities right now. Focus on getting your life together, working out living arrangements, dealing with custody and legal and financial issues. Be there for your children during this confusing and painful time. Do things to nurture yourself. You should be much too busy figuring out how to function well in this new life to worry about dating right now. 

Honestly, a lot of women won't want much to do with you, anyway, until your divorce is final. Until then, you're technically still married and many women won't date married men. And a man who's only been separated for a few days just has red flags _all_ over him. Because the truth is that you're still emotionally - and legally - tied to your wife, and you really can't offer a stable, engaged, and emotionally healthy relationship to another woman while you are. Besides, depending on the laws in your jurisdiction, dating while still married might put you at a real disadvantage during the divorce process. 

Learning to be a whole, complete, happy, healthy person _alone_ will make it so much easier to be, and to find, a healthy partner who's capable of having a healthy relationship in the future. It takes time to learn to be that person and to find someone similarly situated. But if you don't do the work, you'll end up in rebound after rebound as you carry the emotional aftermath of your marriage forward into each new attempt at a relationship. A partner should add to your _already_ great life, not be seen as a tool that will somehow magically give you a great life. If you can't be happy alone, a partner won't be able to make you happy either. 

To answer your original question, though, I didn't date for nearly two years after my own divorce. Because I recognized that I simply wasn't ready to be a healthy, happy, emotionally available partner to someone new until then. I also had a rule when I began dating that I didn't date anyone whose divorce had been final for less than a year. I just don't think most people are healed, whole and emotionally healthy enough to be a healthy partner in a healthy relationship for quite a while after they divorce.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I didn't date until my divorce was complete and I had taken several additional months to recover from the emotional trauma from the divorce. At that time I was only ready to casually date and it took a few more years before I was ready to date more seriously.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cannot look to date because you have been lonely for a few days. How unfair to any women you may connect with. You need to learn to embrace your own company, and learn to do things for yourself before you venture out into the dating world. The freedom of being on your own is amazing once you pull yourself off the pity pot.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

More than a few days.

You can't be that devastated or committed if you're already looking to date. So what's really going on?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to learn to be alone first before you start thinking about dating.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You need to learn to be alone first before you start thinking about dating.


Here's the problem. I enjoy single life way more than I enjoy the Hunt for Red October...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Everyone is different. 

You've only been single a short time. 

What's going on? No, what's really going on?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Everyone is different.
> 
> You've only been single a short time.
> 
> What's going on? No, what's really going on?


Ten months. Filing January. Hopefully should be officially done by April.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

john117 said:


> Ten months. Filing January. Hopefully should be officially done by April.


Was asking op, but I know you've been ready for years. I hope you happily do well.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I've never been in that situation, so I can only speculate on what I would do. To me, the most important thing would be for me to heal and get re-grounded as an individual. I went through periods in my youth when I quit dating for a while because I didn't feel that I had my life together. I'd wait until I had that feeling; that feeling that I was strong as an individual and didn't need to be with someone. Once I had that, I'd think about dating again.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Today, we believe that it is a bad thing to romantically belong to someone. You may have that ideal. If you do, know that it will be difficult, if not impossible to find a woman with the same ideals, without having her believe she is being controlled and abused by a narcissist. You will be arguing more than loving each other. 

Truly, until you learn that your spouse is their own person, with different ideals, wants and needs that they may pursue at leisure, without you as much as letting out a sigh, you won't be ready for a relationship. The pursuit of personal goals is more important than a widely cohesive family unit, in today's society. Even when you are in this new relationship, you will need to do your own thing most of the time and schedule together time. 

There are many more things to learn, like it is important to be sexually experienced before any relationship than to learn how to please each other alone, together. There just isn't time for that. Most don't have that kind of patience, nor want to be bothered. 

It will take time to learn all of these things and accept them as your new life begins. One thing you can do is be patient with yourself.


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