# Today is the last straw



## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

I am so tired of my wife, I have been married since july and I am starting to really get sick of my wife. It is to the point where I am disgusted with her. I've been hit have I have never hit her back, she calls me all sorts of N words(broke n, stupid n, ignorant n, mind you I paid every single bill in the house with no help and still no respect) do I call her the N word back, she disrespects my family, she acts like her family is perfect, my father is a doctor she treats me like I was born and raised in the ghetto, she acts like she knows more about the world then I do the funny thing is I am from New York City and she is from mississippi, I am tired of her acting like being a good christian means going to church every sunday and singing in the choir. 

I am tired of being a slave to her every wish and when I don't she has an issue with that. 

Every time she doesn't get her way she leaves the house for hours, she is always on her phone texting then I asked her today who's number is ... and she acts like I'm crazy for asking.

I pay all the bills in the house, I own my own business, I just got accepted to 1st tier law school........what do I have to do?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Leave.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Tell your wife she treats you worse than a stranger on the street. You deserve her best. Tell her she makes you feel unhappy and frustrated in your marriage. Tell her your tempted to leave. Perhaps her knowing this will awaken her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

jfv said:


> Leave.


My next meeting is on Tuesday I am thinking about driving to atlanta and staying at my frats house. Do you think it's to early?


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Tell your wife she treats you worse than a stranger on the street. You deserve her best. Tell her she makes you feel unhappy and frustrated in your marriage. Tell her your tempted to leave. Perhaps her knowing this will awaken her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All that is going to do is cause a big argument she is going to leave and say that this is my apartment blah blah blah and she will leave....then she is going to come back bang on the door till I let her in and cry about how she is going to change....then the cycle all comes back again full circle.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Legends said:


> My next meeting is on Tuesday I am thinking about driving to atlanta and staying at my frats house. Do you think it's to early?


By 'leave' I meant Divorce. You don't want to procreate with this one...trust me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See an attorney and find out about your rights in divorce and file if that's what you want.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
If divorce is not what u want, then you need to stop giving in to her. Don't let her back until she can communicate seriously. You're not going to get anywhere without proper communication.


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

jfv said:


> By 'leave' I meant Divorce. You don't want to procreate with this one...trust me.


I am 26 I have been with her since my freshmen year in college it's very hard. I know it's the best thing for me.


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> If divorce is not what u want, then you need to stop giving in to her. Don't let her back until she can communicate seriously. You're not going to get anywhere without proper communication.


You know honestly I can't even tell my friends I feel ashamed. Sometimes she doesn't even say a word to me for days.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you mean that you are ashamed of how she treats you? Or ashamed that you want a divorce? What is it that you cannot tell your friends?


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you mean that you are ashamed of how she treats you? Or ashamed that you want a divorce? What is it that you cannot tell your friends?


Everything I'm ashamed I haven't left, I am ashamed I allowed her to hit me, I am ashamed it affects me the way it does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legends said:


> Everything I'm ashamed I haven't left, I am ashamed I allowed her to hit me, I am ashamed it affects me the way it does.


You are feeling the way abused people feel. They often stay in abusive situations for years, largely because of the shame.

Women abusing their spouse/partner is more common than a lot of people realize. Sadly most men who are abused will not talk about it out of shame.

You are physically and emotionally abused. You need to leave. Your idea of going to your frat house makes alot of sense. Take anything of value with you that you do not want to lose and any financial paperwork and important papers.

Just get out. Then once you are out see an attorney and file for divorce.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Get out now. Your friends will say "what took you so long?". They know what she is. Unlike you, they don't have an emotional bond with her to cloud their judgement. You feel ashamed for looking like a fool. I get that. But, it will only get worse over the years. End it now before it's really too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legends said:


> Everything I'm ashamed I haven't left, I am ashamed I allowed her to hit me, I am ashamed it affects me the way it does.


You are feeling the way abused people feel. They often stay in abusive situations for years, largely because of the shame.

Women abusing their spouse/partner is more common than a lot of people realize. Sadly most men who are abused will not talk about it out of shame.

You are physically and emotionally abused. You need to leave. Your idea of going to your frat house makes alot of sense. Take anything of value with you that you do not want to lose and any financial paperwork and important papers.

Just get out. Then once you are out see an attorney and file for divorce. 

In most cases I think that people should work hard to make a marriage work. But when physical violence and sever emotional abuse is going on, I think it's unethical to advise a person to stay in the marriage. The chance of someone ending up seriously injured is too high in this kind of situation. And no one should ever have to live like this.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

RUN! 

Divorce her...now. Do sex...no risk of pregnancy...leave...go...end it...

your wife is my ex husband...LEAVE!

only my ex never cried or said he would change etc..etc.. or even said sorry...nontheless dude...your being abused...enough is enough...bail.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with others who say it's time to cut your losses and RUN!

Don't let this woman get her hooks into you any further. Cut her loose before she takes half your sh!t!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Who's she texting? Has it ever crossed your mind that she might be sleeping with someone else?

I agree with others, cut your losses and move on. It seems like a disaster in the making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

run bro..run as fast as you can and never look back. You deserve better.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Legends said:


> I am 26 I have been with her since my freshmen year in college it's very hard. I know [divorce is] the best thing for me.


Legends, it likely is guilt and a misguided sense of obligation that is keeping you mired in a toxic relationship (as I was for 15 years). My experience was that the best way to break free of those misguided feelings is to have a better understanding of what it is you are dealing with. 

Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, physical abuse, temper tantrums, icy withdrawal, vindictiveness, rapid flips between loving and hating you, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

Granted, most folks having strong BPD traits are NOT physically abusive. Yet, whenever groups of physically abusive spouses have been studied, the incidence of BPD has been found high in those groups. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that about 50% of the male spouse batterers had full-blown BPD. Roger Melton provides a summary of that study's results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. 

Similarly, a 2006 study of female spouse batterers found that 27% of the women had full-blown BPD and another 7% had ASPD (Antisocial PD, aka sociopath). It also found that about 8 out 10 of these violent women had an Axis 1 disorder such as PTSD or depression. That study is available for free at http://www.genderbias.net/docs/resources/guideline/Psychopathology.pdf.

If you are married to a BPDer, you are at great risk of not only being hit but also being ARRESTED. Because BPDers typically are convinced they are "The Victim," it is common for BPDer wives to validate that false self image by having their husbands thrown into jail on a bogus charge. My BPDer exW, for example, did exactly that -- on the very day she was in a rage and chasing me from room to room in our home. For a BPDer wife, getting the H arrested is the equivalent of earning a PhD degree in victimhood -- i.e., everlasting proof of her victim status. 

I therefore suggest that, if you are reluctant to walk out now, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you take a look at my brief description of BPD traits at My list of hell! to see if they sound familiar. 

If that description rings a bell, I suggest you obtain a copy of _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ (the best selling BPD book targeted to abused spouses) and a copy of _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. _Take care, Legends.


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

Perhaps you've had enough and you are deciding that you need to leave / separate. That may be enough for now for you both to start to change things for the better, even if that means moving on and being separate. You need to do some things for yourself to be free of mistreatment. Take good care of yourself! If you're willing to subject yourself to this... she won't suddenly start to respect you. 

You need to set some boundaries, and define your requirements that you need for yourself to be safe and feeling ok again. 

If at any point that you feel you want to work on things with her or she does... then be sure to set the requirement that BOTH of you attend marriage counselling together to work through the issues. If she's unwilling then don't allow any relationship with her to happen.


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