# No sex for 6 months.



## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Hey Everyone,

I'm new to these forums. I have tried asking on other sites about certain things, but I get horrible answers. At this point, I'd like to assume that divorce isn't an option. I love my wife, and I know she loves me. She makes a lot of effort to show it, just not through sex. Let me tell my side of the story, and what bothers me... 

We were together about 7 years before we were married. I met her young, which to me is a warning sign of the possible "I got married too young" thing. We've now been married about 1 year and 8 months.

We haven't had sex in 6 months. This whole no sex thing started with an interesting chain of events. After years of what seemed like explosive sex, (to the point where I couldn't even keep up) we slowed down. First, my wife told me she didn't enjoy sex. She either said it hurts, or I lasted too long, etc, etc. So we tried making changes. We tried different lubes, toys, etc, etc. We enjoyed some, and she seemed to like it, but she still felt "un-horny" most of the time. She wanted to fix this. So she started trying to eat different foods, to no avail. We tried over the counter items. She talked to her doctor, who told her "it's like a muscle and you have to excersize it". After that, she decided we needed to try to have sex every day. No complaints from me.

After that I think she kind of gave up on the whole muscle thing. That's when things stopped. She then tried to switch birth controls. She switched to the Nuva Ring. She was on that for about 5 or so months. Now she has decided to completely stop birth control all together. She's under the impression it might be effecting her overall emotions. She is an EXTREMELY emotionless woman. (comparing to other women I know) She is very tough, and hard. I'm not an emotional person, but I swear she's less than me! I haven't seen her cry in.. I don't know. It's been years I think.

My wife saw a therapist without really giving me reasoning. To be honest, I was very thrown off that she did it without telling me, and wouldn't tell me why. She still hasn't. At the same time, I was happy that she was talking to someone. She wasn't happy, and I don't even think it was because of our relationship. I think she needed more in her overall life. 

That's when she started to go over-the-top physical exercise mode. She works out just about every day, twice a day. She runs about 6 miles a day. She's looking great! Which, of course, causes me more frustration. I notice that she has a "better attitude", and seems happier in her non-relationship life. She hangs out with a lot of people, and is very social.

Now, that's all fine and dandy, and I'm happy for her, but a part of me is starting to feel kind of rejected. We don't have sex, and any time we hang out, it's with a bunch of other people. I like hanging out with all our friends, but SOMETIMES I wonder why we can't do something alone. We don't go on dates much. She doesn't seem interested in dates. Sometimes I feel like she loves me, but she is kind of over me. 

Again, she expresses her love to me in different ways, just not these other few that really hurt me. 

The sexual frustration messes with my emotions. It makes me angry, and bitter. Especially when it's bed time. I think about what's coming: Nothing. She walks around the apartment in her night clothes, which turn me on sometimes. I become so frustrated and annoyed.

One morning I woke up and I told her how I felt. I broke down in tears. She "held me" and I could tell she felt really bad. She didn't say much. I had to leave for work, so I left. Nothing really changed.

I tried making deals with her. "If you TRY satisfy me in any way at least just ONCE a week, I will do ALL the dishes ALL the time and clean the house." That didn't work, so I just tried doing it anyway, haha. I wanted to make her feel less stressed out about house chores and life.

I tried "not caring", and just taking care of myself. Showing that I am independent, and that I am not clingy. I work hard, and I am a man. I hung out with my "boys" and came home and forced myself to act happy and as if I don't care. She likes it when I act happy, but it didn't change her feeling towards sex. All these things I tried really just slowly come back to my overall feelings of frustration and rejection.

She will make a very small effort to "sexually satisfy me" with her hand, if I ask for it. I hate asking for it, but sometimes I have no choice.

Anyway, I am trying to set us up with a marriage counselor. It's hard when I have only $200 to my name, and no health insurance. I attend a church that would provide, but that's a whole other story. I think it would make her uncomfortable going to my church where I grew up my entire life to discuss our marriage. A part of me feels like she feels as if it's "my church" and not "ours". Which I understand completely, but the hard thing is that they employ me, and at this point, we need the money. But that's all a side note and not necessarily part of any problem right now.

Anyway, I'd like to hear your stories, and if you have any ideas.

Thank you


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

weidede2 said:


> We haven't had sex in 6 months. This whole no sex thing started with an interesting chain of events. After years of what seemed like explosive sex, (to the point where I couldn't even keep up) we slowed down. First, my wife told me she didn't enjoy sex. She either said it hurts, or I lasted too long, etc, etc. So we tried making changes. We tried different lubes, toys, etc, etc. We enjoyed some, and she seemed to like it, but she still felt "un-horny" most of the time. She wanted to fix this. So she started trying to eat different foods, to no avail. We tried over the counter items. She talked to her doctor, who told her "it's like a muscle and you have to excersize it". After that, she decided we needed to try to have sex every day. No complaints from me.
> 
> After that I think she kind of gave up on the whole muscle thing. That's when things stopped. She then tried to switch birth controls. She switched to the Nuva Ring. She was on that for about 5 or so months. Now she has decided to completely stop birth control all together. She's under the impression it might be effecting her overall emotions. She is an EXTREMELY emotionless woman. (comparing to other women I know) She is very tough, and hard. I'm not an emotional person, but I swear she's less than me! I haven't seen her cry in.. I don't know. It's been years I think.


The good news in all that is she at least was trying top find what she needed. Effort is a good sign. Further reading though seems to indicate that she stopped try.



weidede2 said:


> My wife saw a therapist without really giving me reasoning. To be honest, I was very thrown off that she did it without telling me, and wouldn't tell me why. She still hasn't.


If you've read these boards at all, you know communication is a key. My fiancee goes from time to time to a counsellor and discusses problems she has. I don't pressure my fiancee to tell me about anything that does go on, but I also know that if I want to have a rough idea why she was going (stress, our relationship, money, etc.) she'd tell me. I think you have a right to know why she's suddenly started to go, even if all you get is a blanket statement like "I feel stressed and I wanted to vent to a professional."



weidede2 said:


> That's when she started to go over-the-top physical exercise mode. She works out just about every day, twice a day. She runs about 6 miles a day. She's looking great! Which, of course, causes me more frustration. I notice that she has a "better attitude", and seems happier in her non-relationship life. She hangs out with a lot of people, and is very social. [/QOUTE]
> 
> Significant change is always a sign of something happening within. There could be a multitude of reasons for this. She could want to boost her self-esteem, she may view her weight as an issue, maybe she's looking out for her long-term health, maybe she likes attention from other men maybe she's having an affair. Or maybe it's another reason altogether, but typically, people don't change their behaviour without a motivating factor or factors behind it. I'd find out what the motivation is behind the workout kick.
> 
> ...


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Thanks for your input. I'm going to find money for counseling. If I DID find out she's having/had an affair I will be crushed. I don't see that happening though. I can't see her even having time for that. Blah.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Also, if she was having an affair, I would find it weird that she would stop her birth control completely. Although, I guess technically, she could be having an emotional affair.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

weidede2 said:


> Also, if she was having an affair, I would find it weird that she would stop her birth control completely. Although, I guess technically, she could be having an emotional affair.


An affair might not be going on at all. But it's definately worth consideing, even if just to rule it out.

And yes, an emotional affiar is possible. I've also read several women on here who have said that an EA is more significant for them than a physical affair, so maybe her preference would be for an EA. Typically, those do eventually progress to a physical stage if the opportunity is there.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Sometimes I think she's having an EA with LIFE. lol. That sounds weird, but she spends so much time DOING things that it's NONE stop. She wants to better herself physically, emotionally, and in all ways. It's non-stop. No time for me! I just want to grab her, and throw her in the bedroom. Me man, me horny! Ha. Sounds bad, but it's true.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Anytime you spend all of your efforts changing yourself in order to correct another's issues, you are just beating a dead horse.
I did all the things you say you did trying to appease your wife, for mine for over twenty years and all it got me was out the door.
Were I in your shoes and I have been, I'd sit her down and tell her she is either going to get with YOUR program, or you'll open the door for her when she leaves.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

I've contacted a marital counselor and am booking a date. I want this sorted out. I just hope that this helps. I am very nervous. I'm sad that it's come to this. Sigh.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

weidede2 said:


> Now, that's all fine and dandy, and I'm happy for her, but a part of me is starting to feel kind of rejected.


Your wife has refused to have sex with you for 6 months, and you're _starting_ to feel rejected? Dude!



weidede2 said:


> We don't have sex, and any time we hang out, it's with a bunch of other people. I like hanging out with all our friends, but SOMETIMES I wonder why we can't do something alone. We don't go on dates much. She doesn't seem interested in dates. Sometimes I feel like she loves me, but she is kind of over me.


This is a red flag. I agree with the other poster who suggested that you rule out an affair. Check her cell phone records to see any great volume of calls/texts or calls/texts at odd hours.

Regardless of what, specifically, she is doing, when a woman stops having sex with a man, it generally means she's no longer sexually attracted to that man.



> I tried making deals with her. "If you TRY satisfy me in any way at least just ONCE a week, I will do ALL the dishes ALL the time and clean the house." That didn't work, so I just tried doing it anyway, haha. I wanted to make her feel less stressed out about house chores and life.


A common mistake, but a bad one. If you go to a bar or club, where people are trolling for casual sex, you will not hear one man offer services in exchange for sex. Because it will never work to attract a woman.

I think you have two options for improvement. The first option, is to look at the blog Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and start improving yourself to make your wife more attracted to you. The second option is to stop catering to your wife's needs until she's willing to cater to yours. It's unclear whether this will work for your wife because it sounds like she treats you as one of her 15 friends. If you have 15 friends, and you lose one, you've still got 14 that are just as good. So it's no big loss. However, if you're providing for her needs in ways that her other friends don't, then you can stop doing that in an effort to get her to make a contribution to your marriage.

Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

W,
I don't think your W is having an affair. 

I do think your W has decided that she is going to be motivated and disciplined and get the most out of life. 

And I believe that most women like that require their male partner to do the same. Usually that means finding a career and getting really good at it - and making steadily more money. 

Your girl was really young when you met. Back then she was impressed because you were: handsome and popular, or good at sports, or dressed in a cool way. Or all of the above. 

NOW: She wants/expects/REQUIRES that you:
- Get and keep a job with benefits
- Work HARD - at whatever you do - at getting better at it - at getting raises and promotions. Maybe that means more training or more education, I don't know. But it does mean having focus, motivation and steadily achieving results. 
- Focus on managing money so you can set a schedule for buying a house

This is not just about money. And I am NOT suggesting your W is materialistic. What I AM saying is she has raised the bar for her OWN life and is not ok if you don't do the same. 

And she does love you. Thing is - the issue isn't love - it is respect. Without respect, a woman loses desire. 

Be honest about this, how many times has she gently encouraged you to focus more on your job/career/saving money?



weidede2 said:


> Hey Everyone,
> 
> I'm new to these forums. I have tried asking on other sites about certain things, but I get horrible answers. At this point, I'd like to assume that divorce isn't an option. I love my wife, and I know she loves me. She makes a lot of effort to show it, just not through sex. Let me tell my side of the story, and what bothers me...
> 
> ...


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> W,
> I don't think your W is having an affair.
> 
> I do think your W has decided that she is going to be motivated and disciplined and get the most out of life.
> ...



I read this and I had to respond because I don't think this is it AT ALL, but I find it interesting that you gave another point of view. I think my success has actually been a PROBLEM. I feel, (because she has expressed this to me), that my success actually makes my wife feel bad for herself. She has told me a couple times that she hates that I am "good at everything". Please don't take this the wrong way. I feel like I am a humble person, and I have no intention of using any of what I've accomplished as any barrier, or something to hold over her head. I just want to explain so you can better understand our situation:

I own a small business, with about 5 employees. I started the business when I was about 20 years old. I met my wife when I was about 18. The biz grew fast, and now does about $.5 million in sales a year. I was pretty successful early on. This DID NOT mean I ignored my wife. I actually was VERY VERY blessed because my business VERY RARELY makes me work over a normal 8 hours a day. I don't work weekends, but I do have a 2nd job at the church (that I mentioned) where I lead music. I play/sing in a worship team that I lead. That job takes about 5 hours a week. I work hard in a 100 degree shop during the summer. I've recently lost a lot of weight because of it.

You might wonder why I would make the comment that "we need the money". Even though my business is pretty successful, I've continually taken a lot of financial sacrifices to get there. More recently, we lost 3 huge contracts. We're recovering, and it's fine. It's just part of "owning a business" I live in San Diego, where our rent is $1500 /m for a 1 bedroom apartment. I pay ALL bills. The only thing I don't pay for is her car. Now, non of this means ANYTHING to me. I'm not bitter about it. And when I say "I pay", I don't mean that my money isn't hers. The money I make I use to provide for us any way I can. I don't try to be anal about money unless we don't have any. When she asks for money, I give her money, and I pay for her school as much as I can too. Money is always hard in relationships, and we've had our ups and downs because of it, but I honestly try very hard to be as giving as I can with her. We haven't really combined bank accounts much because she really doesn't have any money to combine. We have a joint account where I keep our savings/extra money and then just pay for everything else.

If she has a problem with it, I'd be more than happy to put all the money in the joint account and we can pay bills together.  lol. I honestly don't hold anything from her. I'm pretty sure she knows that. We've talked about it before. She says I'm better with money than her. She has a lot of debt from before we were married that I am trying to help her pay off.

I too thought maybe I needed to be more physically fit. I've lost about 22 lbs since we got married. I'm 6' tall and weigh 180 lb. I worked out, ran, P90X, lifted... I tried a lot of stuff. I can't run with her though.. not the way she does it. It's just too much for me. I am not at that level, and her fitness motivation comes from working less hours than I, and having more time. Again, not a complaint, just an observation. 

I don't take any of my success for granted. I actually give her the credit, because I've been super motivated by our relationship. I want to provide for us, and build us a future.

I don't know. Talking about this starts to anger me a little, because I try to be super sensitive to her needs, but I don't get it back. Like I said, I am scheduling a meeting with a counselor. 

I am willing to sacrifice anything for her. I just need to feel a little more "needed" in our relationship.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Oh, and one other thing. I find this really weird. When I DO ask her if she can "touch me", she usually gets a big smile on her face, like she's excited to do it.

Maybe she LIKES to do it, but she doesn't want to initiate it? I don't know... that's just kinda weird to me. Why are women so difficult? lol ;-)

I just wish it would turn into sex....

Sometimes I swear she is asexual.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Oh gosh, and ONE MORE addition to this story. She doesn't touch herself. A couple months ago she told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire to satisfy herself. Last time we talked about it, she said she hadn't masturbated in over a year.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

weidede2 said:


> That's when she started to go over-the-top physical exercise mode. She works out just about every day, twice a day. She runs about 6 miles a day. She's looking great! Which, of course, causes me more frustration. I notice that she has a "better attitude", and seems happier in her non-relationship life. She hangs out with a lot of people, and is very social.


Red flag! When I started thinking about cheating on my husband I started exercising.. a lot! I wanted to be and feel more attractive to the opposite sex. It also had the side effect of improving my general attitude because I was getting healthier.



weidede2 said:


> Also, if she was having an affair, I would find it weird that she would stop her birth control completely. Although, I guess technically, she could be having an emotional affair.


 There are things called condoms so not weird at all. Birth control pills can make you emotional and put on weight so there's 2 reasons she may not want to be on them.



weidede2 said:


> I just want to grab her, and throw her in the bedroom. Me man, me horny! Ha. Sounds bad, but it's true.


 Have you tried doing this? I would love it if my husband took the initiative to do this!



weidede2 said:


> Oh gosh, and ONE MORE addition to this story. She doesn't touch herself. A couple months ago she told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire to satisfy herself. Last time we talked about it, she said she hadn't masturbated in over a year.


This makes my theory of her either having an affair or thinking about one change somewhat. Most unusual to not touch yourself if you're not getting any.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kind of hard to "help" someone who initially posts that they don't "have 200 to their name", for counseling and then subsequently says: I have had a successful business for many years.

Read "no more mr. Nice guy"





weidede2 said:


> I read this and I had to respond because I don't think this is it AT ALL, but I find it interesting that you gave another point of view. I think my success has actually been a PROBLEM. I feel, (because she has expressed this to me), that my success actually makes my wife feel bad for herself. She has told me a couple times that she hates that I am "good at everything". Please don't take this the wrong way. I feel like I am a humble person, and I have no intention of using any of what I've accomplished as any barrier, or something to hold over her head. I just want to explain so you can better understand our situation:
> 
> I own a small business, with about 5 employees. I started the business when I was about 20 years old. I met my wife when I was about 18. The biz grew fast, and now does about $.5 million in sales a year. I was pretty successful early on. This DID NOT mean I ignored my wife. I actually was VERY VERY blessed because my business VERY RARELY makes me work over a normal 8 hours a day. I don't work weekends, but I do have a 2nd job at the church (that I mentioned) where I lead music. I play/sing in a worship team that I lead. That job takes about 5 hours a week. I work hard in a 100 degree shop during the summer. I've recently lost a lot of weight because of it.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

weidede2 said:


> I read this and I had to respond because I don't think this is it AT ALL, but I find it interesting that you gave another point of view. I think my success has actually been a PROBLEM. I feel, (because she has expressed this to me), that my success actually makes my wife feel bad for herself. She has told me a couple times that she hates that I am "good at everything". Please don't take this the wrong way. I feel like I am a humble person, and I have no intention of using any of what I've accomplished as any barrier, or something to hold over her head. I just want to explain so you can better understand our situation:
> 
> I own a small business, with about 5 employees. I started the business when I was about 20 years old. I met my wife when I was about 18. The biz grew fast, and now does about $.5 million in sales a year. I was pretty successful early on. This DID NOT mean I ignored my wife. I actually was VERY VERY blessed because my business VERY RARELY makes me work over a normal 8 hours a day. I don't work weekends, but I do have a 2nd job at the church (that I mentioned) where I lead music. I play/sing in a worship team that I lead. That job takes about 5 hours a week. I work hard in a 100 degree shop during the summer. I've recently lost a lot of weight because of it.
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to be a jerk here when I say this, but do you relaize how much you are walking on eggshells around this woman?

I mean, reread what you posted in the above quote. "I am willing to sacrifice anything for her." "I don't take any of my success for granted. I actually give her the credit" "She has a lot of debt from before we were married that I am trying to help her pay off." "I honestly try very hard to be as giving as I can with her." "I feel, (because she has expressed this to me), that my success actually makes my wife feel bad for herself. She has told me a couple times that she hates that I am "good at everything". Please don't take this the wrong way."

That's just some of them. It's like you're apologizing for saying anything which may possibly in the remotest ways be construed as negative towards your wife and you give her the credit for you starting a successful business AT 18!

It's time to man up a bit here. I'm all for things being equal in a marriage, and they should be. So when you saying how you're paying for this and that, that's fine. I'm glad you're not some control freak with money like some men are. That said, things aren't equal. All I've read about is what you bring to the relationship, and what she's doing for herself. YOU run a successful business, YOU work a second job on the side YOU pay for everything but her car and some of her schooling, YOU are trying to set up a marriage counsellor, YOU are seeking answers to both of your sexual life issues. Meanwhile, she's off getting in shape and going to school. When was the last time SHE tried to help you with anything, talk to you about the marriage, discuss in detail your needs, go out of her way to provide something for you?

It sounds like she gets what she wants, and that's that. When do you get what you want? 

Me and my fiancee, we have a saying, 'she gets what she wants, but I say when she gets it.' What that means is basically, in a way I'm like you. My fiancee gets pretty much whatever she wants and she knows it, I just say when she gets it for fiancial reasons. That said, if my fiancee ever starts to push for something which is just way out of line with our fiances, or way out of line with my needs, then I stand my ground, but those cases are rare.

Why do I let that go on? Because on the other side of the coin, she is pretty good with my needs. She helps take care of my kids (from a previous marriage) as though they were her own, she cooks, she's caring, loving, funny and just a wonderful life partner. And she also takes care of my needs sexually. That's part of the package, the unwritten trade off between partners, that they take care of each others needs. 

Your wife is not taking care of your needs, not all of them anyways, but you seem to be taking care of all of hers. Perhaps it's time to reign her in and explain that the relationship needs to be on equal ground, for both of you.


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## weidede2 (Jul 9, 2012)

Thanks for your reply kingsfan. 

In reply to the money post before you, I just want to say that I'm not trying to sit here and explain my financial situation. I have a 50% business partner and I take a specific salary according to our contract unless we decide together to take less or more. We've taken less recently in order to keep on some staff through a little harder time. That's the end of that story.

Anyway, Kingsfan, you're right. I really have let her just walk all over me. I DO walk on eggshells with her. I guess you could say that she scares me in a way.

Many years ago she broke up with me, and it hurt really really bad. I was crushed. We worked it out, and got married. I think that the blow of that breakup never left me though. After that, I was much more concerned about HER feelings and keeping HER happy and getting her what SHE wants.

I really hope that a counselor can help me communicate these things to her, or at least show her how she is effecting our marriage as well. I say this because I can't see myself being able to tell my wife these things without her going on the offense. That's how she is, and that's why I need a 3rd person. A 3rd person is the buffer I need to re-launch our communication.

My biggest fear is that I go, and we get some sort of B.S. advice that makes things worse. Or, communicating all this, and my wife saying, "Well, I want what I want. So, either take it or leave it."

I never thought that it would come to this. I always dreamed of having a relationship that was a team effort. I wanted a teammate in life. Give and take. It's so frustrating.

Adding on to this mess is her experience with relationships in general. Her parents got divorced when she was about 17 years old. We were dating at the time. She never wanted to talk about it. Like I said, she is a very hard person. She caught her Mom cheating on her Dad. (Not in the act, but found condoms in her purse) There was a lot of bad things going on in her house and with her family at that time. A man broke in and almost raped her Mom. It's all very scary and I think really made her a tough person. She needs to break free of all that too.

I, on the other hand, had a mother and father who rarely expressed love to one another. They've been together, but always slept in separate rooms, and the relationship was just weird in general. Lots of bickering, and there was never any real end to the fighting. Never kissing or hugging between the two. I always viewed it as "what I didn't want". I think if it wasn't for my growth and experiences in my church, I would be a different person. 

I think we both have a VERY hard time communicating because our parents didn't communicate with each other. They just kept their mouths shut and ignored problems. I don't want that. I want to be free from that BS, and know each other inside out, so we can be free to express how we feel, and also our love for one another.

Anyway. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

It sounds like you have a good game plan in mind for what you want in a relationship. Don't let go of this, hold on to it and go for it. What you want is what many of us on here feel like we are entitled to. An equal partner, one who shares in the good and the bad. We too want a 'teammate' as you put it, so go for it.

Also, I as well know where you are coming from regarding your breakup issues. I started dating my fiancee only a few months after I left my ex-wife. In hindsight, I did this too quickly and should have taken time for myself but didn't. As a result, I was like you, so worried about what my now fiancee wanted, that I lost focus on myself, and my needs. What she wanted was all that mattered, simply because I didn't want to go through that heartache again.

After a year, I finally decided to get my life back in order, so I got my own place (was living with my parents and at times with her since I was basically broke after splitting with my ex-wife), and started to get things figured out regarding kids, money, work, relationship, etc. 

It nearly cost me my relationship with my now fiancee in the process, and there was one very nasty incident that added a trust problem into the mix a few months after I got my own place. You can add in a problem with our sex lives on top of that (not as bad as yours, but still was far and few between as well), but I still forced myself to be more true to myself and work on me.

A year later I bought a nice home, she moved in with me and my kids, we started to combine families (she has two children of her own) and after almost two years living together, we got engaged. 

Through it all I slowly started to assert myself more and more, and demand things that I felt were compulsary in a fair, honest relationship. This took place over a matter of years, and did so through only talking and discussion. No fights.

You mention that you worry your wife will say something along the lines of "Well, I want what I want. So, either take it or leave it." So you know, that is pretty much what my ex-wife did, on a variety of things, and that's what led to our divorce. She dictated everything, from when i could see my friends to how little sex we had. She was very uncompromising and she had no remorse about it.

That was her fault, but it was also my fault for allowing it to happen. If you wife takes that stance, rest assured it is wrong. I don't tell people they should get divorced, but if your wife takes the idea that it is her way or the highway, I'd start to at least consider it because it seems pretty unlikely things are going to go fairly for you at all.

I hope your wife is more compromising and understanding than my ex was, and I wish both of you bliss and God's good blessings. Take care and I do hope you keep us posted.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While she may not be having an affair, she sounds like she's gearing up for one... getting in shape, being social, etc... It wouldn't hurt to do some checking.

If you are convinced she isn't having an affair there's two things you need to do. The first is to take care of yourself physically and mentally and stop being the doormat that you sound like. Going to a counselor is a good idea but be prepared for her to come out with a laundry list of where you are failing her and address them.

Second, you promised monogamy but not celibacy. If he can't point out anything that you are doing wrong, then it's her problem to get over this hurdle. You can tell her that you expect a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship as part of your marriage, not hand jobs every now and then, and she has to figure out how to deliver on that part of the relationship.

Explain to her that if she can't do this, it will be impossible for you to not be resentful and frustrated in the marriage, which will spiral downward.

All this doesn't have to be done with a cruel tone, just a sane, even-keeled discussion of what is needed.


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