# Struggling with a decision - need advice



## DaliLama (Nov 25, 2010)

This is my first post. I've been reading on this site for several weeks now and have found it helpful in many ways. In the end though, each of our decisions are personal and I still am struggling with the conflicts of an important decision like whether or not to leave my marriage of 25 years.

My wife and I have no children. I am a professional. She has not worked outside the house for 20 years. Fortunately we can afford that luxury. We have loved each other throughout our time together although for the last 10 years or so we have lost nearly all intimacy - not just sexual. It's clear that we have love for one another but there is no chemistry, no spark, limited affection and has not been for a very long time. In fact, over the last 8-10 years, despite my near pleading, we have had sex less than 10 or 15 times total. And I'm a guy with a medium to high sex drive. This has left me feeling very rejected, unfulfilled and sad - which she knows. Through this process, my wife has put on 40 lbs (and she's a small woman) and I know this wrapped up in her inability and/or complete lack of interest in sex. She wouldn't even consider it or talk about it. While I know she was not serious, she would often say "go get it somewhere else".

Throughout this long period I have remained faithful to her, although dabbling a bit in porn and certainly masturbating 4 or 5 times a week. A year ago, I took a job that takes me out of town all week. I had lost my job prior to that and given the economy had to take this opportunity. When I accepted the job, I really don't think I was trying to escape our life together but have since discovered many things about myself that I had not known. We have effectively now been separated for 9 months and I'm considering divorce.

Life is short and I'm 50. I love her but with no emotional or physical intimacy for soooo long, and her lack of willingness to do anything about it, I feel I'm at the end of my rope. While I believe in "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." enough is enough and I'm tired of not being happy and in a healthy, fulfilling relationship. For the first time in my life I really understand that I deserve to have that and no longer see that possibility with this woman. It makes me very very sad because I love her. At some point though, I have to put myself first. In this last year, I have worked to give myself permission to look out for me but in the back of my mind, I'm concerned (knowing who I am) that if we divorce, I will forever feel like I was selfish and will feel responsible for the pain and suffering I know she will go through once she realizes what she has lost too. Help. I cry now every day.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

While it may be unpopular, my opinion is that if she knows there's a problem and is unwilling to work on it, I wouldn't feel responsible for how she feels after the relationship is terminated. 

You could try some individual counseling if she's not willing to try to fix things with you, but I would do it in the interests of reducing issues in your next relationship rather than fixing this one. A failure like this is not likely to be JUST her fault, so there's likely a few things you can try to improve on for yourself. If you chose to work on those things while you're still married to her and see if they help, more power to you. If you chose to separate/divorce and work on them on your own, I sure wouldn't blame you.

Have you told her that you're unhappy enough to consider a divorce? It might very well come as a relief to her as well. It SHOULDN'T come as a surprise, from what you describe.

C


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## DaliLama (Nov 25, 2010)

Thanks for the post PBear. Yes, I have absolutely told her that I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce so there's no surprise there. I don't think it's a relief at all to her though. She has a very comfortable life and while I know she is not spiritually, emotionally or sexually fulfilled, she has gotten very comfortable in our rut. And yes, there's plenty of issues on my side so I'm not trying to make her the "heavy". I don't know exactly what "chemistry" is or if it's a cop out but we don't have it and haven't for 20 years. We don't fit together in a natural way - we don't walk well together, enjoy the same music, climate, experiences... Everything feels like a struggle. For a long time I thought this was my issue to deal with and the place for me to learn and grow, but having not made progress for so long (despite 3 marriage counselers) I do wonder whether we are just not compatible. Feels like a cop out sort of but maybe I just need to face facts and deal with the pain.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DaliLama said:


> Thanks for the post PBear. Yes, I have absolutely told her that I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce so there's no surprise there. I don't think it's a relief at all to her though. She has a very comfortable life and while I know she is not spiritually, emotionally or sexually fulfilled, she has gotten very comfortable in our rut. And yes, there's plenty of issues on my side so I'm not trying to make her the "heavy". I don't know exactly what "chemistry" is or if it's a cop out but we don't have it and haven't for 20 years. We don't fit together in a natural way - we don't walk well together, enjoy the same music, climate, experiences... Everything feels like a struggle. For a long time I thought this was my issue to deal with and the place for me to learn and grow, but having not made progress for so long (despite 3 marriage counselers) I do wonder whether we are just not compatible. Feels like a cop out sort of but maybe I just need to face facts and deal with the pain.


One things guaranteed, as we go through life we get older, not younger.

And the older we get the quicker the years flash by, so we get older, well quicker. Time is an exceptionally precious commodity. The less time there is the more precious it becomes.

And even with your forum “label” there is no guarantee we live more than but once.

Bob


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may be the Dali Lama, but you're not responsible for her happiness. At some point, you have to take care of yourself.

C


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I know exactly how you feel. I'm there also. Just don't be surprised if, once she realizes that you are really serious, she begins to lay on the guilt. Recently, my wife has gained an additional 40 to 50 lbs, and tells me she did it because I don't find her attractive enough. In other words, since I'm only a three to four times a week kind've guy, she's retaliating. I have told her that I'll give it a try, assuming weekly couseling, but I'm not very hopeful.

My beliefs evolve around my religion, so this is hard for me. Ultimately, I accepted that the covenant of our marriage was based on mutual emotional support.

I do agree that once you've seen all the things you've overlooked through the years, it'll be really hard to connect again.


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## DaliLama (Nov 25, 2010)

takris said:


> I know exactly how you feel. I'm there also. Just don't be surprised if, once she realizes that you are really serious, she begins to lay on the guilt. Recently, my wife has gained an additional 40 to 50 lbs, and tells me she did it because I don't find her attractive enough. In other words, since I'm only a three to four times a week kind've guy, she's retaliating. I have told her that I'll give it a try, assuming weekly couseling, but I'm not very hopeful.
> 
> My beliefs evolve around my religion, so this is hard for me. Ultimately, I accepted that the covenant of our marriage was based on mutual emotional support.
> 
> I do agree that once you've seen all the things you've overlooked through the years, it'll be really hard to connect again.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

PBear said:


> While it may be unpopular, my opinion is that if she knows there's a problem and is unwilling to work on it, I wouldn't feel responsible for how she feels after the relationship is terminated.


I'm with PBear on this one. I think that it probably is the best thing for both of you. Shake the marriage up, you've got nothing to lose.


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## DaliLama (Nov 25, 2010)

You are right in that she has layered on the guilt pretty hard. She's also threatened that if I file for divorce, she "will never speak with me again and will take (me) for everything she can get". 
I think she's just scared but what she's saying is take me as I am or you'll never see me again. At times she'll say she'll work on things but never follows through with action. There's always an excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

DaliLama said:


> You are right in that she has layered on the guilt pretty hard. She's also threatened that if I file for divorce, she "will never speak with me again and will take (me) for everything she can get".


Luckily I am poor so I wouldn't have that problem. 

If she believes that you won't leave her what motivation does she have to change? 

You have to make her believe that you would leave her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So first off... If she never speaks to you again, how does this affect you? You work away from home anyway, so how much contact do you have? And do you care if you cut ties with her completely? Wouldn't that be prefered, at this point?

As far as the finances go, it seems that you likely have the resources to hire a good lawyer. Talk to one and see what you're likely to have to go through, and determine if the costs are worth it. Personally, it sounds like blackmail to me, and I'd give pretty much anything to get away. But I'm not in that situation, so I can't say for sure. Although I would definitely look into getting a professional opinion.

Clint


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sometimes when people become used to a situation, they don't know how to change it, even though they want to. And sometimes, too, when told "change this or I'll leave", they feel as though nothing they could do would change your mind, so they feel that to try to change it is pointless or that they'll just look like a fool or desperate or whatever. 

Have you made any suggestions to her about how you want things to change? I mean, instead of saying "I want to have sex" have you said "I want to have sex X times a week"? When you just make an open statement like "I want to have sex" it leaves it open to interpretation, so she could assume once a year covers it, or she could feel so lost after all this time that she doesn't even know where to start to try to make you happy, and rather than try to figure it out and get it wrong, she'd rather...well, do what she's doing. I'd give her some concrete solutions, or tell her to go to counseling with you, where a counselor could give her some concrete solutions, and see what happens then. If she's got some examples of exactly what you want and she still makes no effort, then you'll know without doubt that there's just nothing that will make her try to make this work.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

It sounds to me like you love her, terribly. And the rejection of her, though building up for so long, is still not as painful as the idea of losing her.


If you want to make a change today, put a new face on. Put it in your head that you've just met and she is the most beautiful thing that's ever walked the planet and you MUST have her. 

Your arrival at home is your first date. Go impress her with your wiles.

Expect it to take weeks but keep in mind that during this time you are spending time with her, getting her to smile and pushing her towards something you both need.

I'm thinking you can do it 

There are some good thoughts on the subject and recommended reading materials in this discussion:  Have you ever been in a rut?



Happy Thanksgiving to you both.


{25 years in February}


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