# Best friend in love



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I've been married almost 20 years, couple kids, a business, lots of complications. I posted a couple months ago because my husband came to me wanting to have sex with someone else. In fact, he wanted both of us to. Basically a sex buddy situation. He travels extensively so my first thought was he already has and just wanted to justify it. Looking back, I don't think that was the case. I think he really wanted my permission first. A lot of boundaries were crossed. He showed some intimate pictures of me to one of his friends he thought would be a good "match" for me. Anyway, we dealt with it, and I resisted the sharing but he made it clear, he would still be for it if I ever got to where I was. It was a very painful time for me. Our sex life actually improved and we got better about communicating our wants and needs. He still communicated the desire to "branch out" with another person. I know the person he suggested and I also know she is not the person he would leave me for. Anyway, against better advice, I told him to go ahead and he did. I expected it to bother me a lot more, but oddly enough, I didn't feel much of anything about it other than relief that I would get an hour's peace and not be bugged about phone sex as much. 

Now for my part, we have a mutual friend who is one of my best friends. Husband is well aware of this and even admitted he thought the guy in question and I had already had sex. We had not. Not to say there has not always been a low level attraction and there have been opportunities, but both of us recognized it and backed away from it. He knew I couldn't cross that line and he had enough respect for both of us not to ask. Well, I guess I got crazy and stressed enough to finally tell him what was going on. He knew something was. It got a little heated but we did not go through with it. I told the husband. He was beside himself excited and wanted to know all the details and when we might do more. The friend and I talked a couple days later and he admitted he can't go through with it. Not because the desire is not there. It's there in spades, but because he loves me too much to treat me that way. That I'm not a side piece, I'm the total package, a lot of other beautiful things that I'm not sure my husband has ever given thought to voicing. But bottom line, he would rather tamp down his own physical desires and be able to keep me in his life as a friend than create a situation where we couldn't be or that hurt my children. Any other person under any other circumstances, I would think he was blowing smoke to get in my pants, but I do think he is sincere. Honestly, I wouldn't have taken that much convincing and I would have no reason to feel guilty. Husband would be all for it. To hear my husband tell it, a guy will screw anything will a vagina out of pure physical need. I also know my friend is right and I feel terrible to think he might feel used in any way. 

I know I am guilty of an emotional affair. I think my husband loves me the best way he knows how and the way my friend sees me is just different and what woman doesn't like to be complemented. I also know the grass is seldom truly greener. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers here or just a place to vent. My friend and I agreed not to contact each other for a while to gain perspective and me to see what if/what I can do about my marriage. I don't know how I have been with my husband this long without realizing this side of him. I haven't told him the extent of what I've been through just that I put any further action on hold for now. I don't want to talk to him. I answer the phone and act happy to keep up appearances until I can figure it out. I feel like I will fly apart at any minute


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

its good to hear that you want to work on your marriage, but I wonder if your husband does. The kind of lifestyle he wants with you is incredibly complicated and requires two mature partners who are very much on the same page. It sounds like you were pressured and badgered into agreeing to it. That’s not healthy.

Your relationship with your friend sounds like a whole other issue in your marriage. Smart move on cutting contact. Both you and your husband need to be all in on your marriage. Ask him if he is willing to commit to monogamy with his WIFE, if he refuses or makes you feel guilty for it, then you have a difficult decision to make.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Your friend could be playing the long game or he could be sincere. Who knows, and you could be right. 

Here is the thing. 

THIS IS what happens when one person wants to swing or open a relationship and the other does not. 

THIS IS NOT THE WAY THAT STUFF WORKS. 

And you sound wise enough to understand that if sex with a friend that you already have attraction and an emotional affair with, could really cause problems in your marriage. 

In fact, if you are honest, it could end it. 

You really need to talk to your H about reality if you don't want to be involved in this type of situation. And understand, that i am not judging these types of arrangements if both partners want it. I am saying that i causes problems if both partners don't want it. 

I think you acted wisely for the most part. Does any of that make sense?


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Your friend could be playing the long game or he could be sincere. Who knows, and you could be right.
> 
> Here is the thing.
> 
> ...


I


BluesPower said:


> Your friend could be playing the long game or he could be sincere. Who knows, and you could be right.
> 
> Here is the thing.
> 
> ...


It does make sense, and I appreciate your input without judgment. I have no problem with virtually any lifestyle as long as both parties are on board. I don't think I am. What scares me most is I am coming to the realization that I went along with it one because he kept on, and two, because it gave me a potential out to pursue something that I was already dangerously close to. Hard choices will have to be made on both our parts.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Farmlady said:


> It does make sense, and I appreciate your input without judgment. I have no problem with virtually any lifestyle as long as both parties are on board. I don't think I am. What scares me most is I am coming to the realization that I went along with it one because he kept on, and two, because it gave me a potential out to pursue something that I was already dangerously close to. Hard choices will have to be made on both our parts.


And this is where is gets tricky. Usually it is the other way around. The one that wants to open is the relationship is the one that is already screwing around. 

Look, if you love your husband, talk to him. Really talk and be honest about everything. 

If you don't want this, and you don't, put a stop to it. But don't allow yourself to cheat. That is the problem, if you start sleeping with a guy that you have feelings for already, well you kind of get into cheating territory. Then you start doing it all the time, somebody gets caught, and bla bla bla...

Not on the other hand, if you can keep your head together and be honest with everyone you could get to have a husband and a BF. If you can wrap your head around it...

A lot to think about...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You know already, what will happen because you love the other man and he also wants something greater. This is the reasons why open marriages end for the most part. They find that missing emotional fulfilllment in another arms. 

And then that also realized, their own spouse did not value them. And feel no emotional connection to and was once their spouse. 

You friend values you and you may end up with him, but talk this over with your friend first and if the long term relationship with marriage is the goal. DIVORCE your husband and go to the one who loves you and values you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Does your H not care whether this 3rd sex partner is male or female? At first it sounded like he wanted a 3-way with you and another woman, but then he got excited when you spoke to your male friend?

To me, you've reached a crossroads with your H. You and he need to decide how to move forward, or if you will move forward at all. It sounds like you have a hard line you won't cross - you need to tell your H that, and say this is NEVER going to happen, so he should decide whether he wants to stay married in a completely monogamous relationship with you or not. If you keep kicking the can down the road, you will just keep his hopes up and he'll bug you forever.

As for your best friend, sorry, but this is exactly why I don't believe in close, opposite sex friendships outside the marriage. Especially when there is any semblance of physical attraction. Hard. Stop. I got burned by this myself - as my wife fell for her best male friend and it nearly ended our family. Men will always think of their female friends in a sexual way - if they deny they are doing that then they are lying to you. Bad idea. You are best to not talk to each other while you navigate your marriage.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

A couple things the "friend" did makes me think he is playing the long game. 
I would be very cautious with him. 

You and your husband both need to have a sit down long heartfelt discussion about what;s going on between you and your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest counselling. And soon.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You will end up bringing your friendship to the level of your marriage...


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