# is the link broken?



## LVF (May 5, 2013)

I've been married for 2 years with a good man. I'm young, 23, and he is 10 years older. We have no children, we have dated 1 year before getting married and half of these 3 years together we had to live in different countries (for several reasons). In the beginning he kept saying that sex was important for him and that sex with me was great. However, he has experienced some stress in his professional life. I thought it was just a phase, but it seems like it won't go away. The stress started shortly after we started dating and persists until today. As a consequence, our intimacy was dramatically affected. E.g., the first time we had sex we did it 7 times in 24h. I thought "wow, we match!". But nowadays we do it maybe 2 or 3 times a month. If we do it that little now, what about in 10 years, 20 years? And what when we have kids and will be much busier?

I tried to talk about it with my H but he blames it on stress of his job, and that after 30 he doesn't feel like having sex as often (!). He says I should just come to him whenever I want (but should I be the only one to initiate all the time?). Sometimes I come to him but he says he's not in the mood for whatever reason. Also, I don't really feel much pleasure during sex, I never had an orgasm during intercourse with ANY men, but I do have them by myself with or without physical stimulation. I tried to overcome this issue by spending some time and guide him but he gets bored and says he can't spend much time in preliminaries or he loses the interest.

He is a great, responsible and generous man and the last thing I want is to hurt him. But I think we lost the link as a couple. I am young and I feel I already lost any opportunity of ever enjoying sex and feel that someone wants me. I don't like the idea of living my whole life like that. And if I feel I lost the link, then I also don't feel like having kids (at least right now, I lost that desire. I used to want it but he doesn't). That undermines my long-term goals...

Do you guys think it is just a new phase of marriage or there's something more serious? I read all those stories about the different stages, but they mostly relate to personal divergences and not the sex issues. Did I rush to get married and should have waiting longer? Or is it something most couples go through? I think the stress was real in the beginning but then it became an excuse.

We are healthy, fit and attractive. I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me. I don't think he wants to get away from me either, but I think he's okay with setting with little sex and little intimacy in marriage. I'm starting to notice he's a bit lazy with everything that involves personal relations, including his own family. He is a good man and I might not ever find someone who would treat me as nice as he does but I'm not so sure I can be happy with this situation... It breaks my heart to think of the worse. 

Please, let me know your opinions on this! Sorry if it's too long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

30 something is too young for him to be losing interest in sex. 
It might be a good idea to get him to a doctor and have his testosterone levels checked.


LVF said:


> I tried to talk about it with my H but he blames it on stress of his job, and that after 30 he doesn't feel like having sex as often (!). He says I should just come to him whenever I want (but should I be the only one to initiate all the time?).


No you should not be initiating all the time. But you can initiate part of the time. Being turned down once in a while should not be something to be concerned about. But if it often then it is. 
When you have sex 2-3 times a month, who is initiating? 

One thing that you might do not increase your chances of him being in the mood would be to set in-home dates. Start with just one day a week at whatever time works for both of you. And make a date to get together for a romantic time and sex. This way he can plan to be well rested and in a good mood. You can have wine (or dinks) and some snacks. Take a bath together… and all the rest.



LVF said:


> Also, I don't really feel much pleasure during sex, I never had an orgasm during intercourse with ANY men, but I do have them by myself with or without physical stimulation. I tried to overcome this issue by spending some time and guide him but he gets bored and says he can't spend much time in preliminaries or he loses the interest.
> 
> 
> LVF said:
> ...


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

EleGirl, thank you for your answer.
I also thought it could be testosterone level but he is a former boxer, has always had considerable muscle size and has been able to keep it all the time. Not sure if it would be possible to keep as much muscle with lack of testosterone. He also refuses that it's that the case. And he never had steroids or anything like that, he keeps it all natural.
We usually spend time together going to in cultural activities, we travel a lot, go for a coffee every day and run together almost every evening. 


I tried to talk to him a few times and he's starting to say I'm obsessed with it. I confronted him with what he said when we started dating, that sex was important for him and the usually every other day was the best schedule for him. And that's actually how it was in the beginning. But now he says he probably exaggerated at the time. Now he says he doesn't need it often. Fine with me, but at least do it for more than 5 mins? New excuse: he doesn't like to experiment because he thought we had already find what we like, that this my new complains are strange, and that male biology is just like that and more than those 5 minutes makes him bored (yeah, right!). He agreed to try a bit longer, but I noticed he gets completely annoyed, so there's no point to insist... He also says sex distracts him from his work (which is highly intellectual)! 

I had only another sexual partner before I met my husband, and the guy was also "meh". Are most men actually like that? Or I didn't have much luck? I thought a man would be excited to know his wife is having pleasure, even if it takes a bit of extra work. I thought men like to watch, to play, to tease... I feel a bit cheated sometimes, I feel this is not what I signed for and it seems more like it's his personality than anything else. He claims to be super happy.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

And no, I'm his second wife. He divorced the first because he was not attracted to her (married because she was a nice serious woman) and didn't enjoy sex. Ironic, eh?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

LVF said:


> I tried to talk to him a few times and he's starting to say I'm obsessed with it. I confronted him with what he said when we started dating, that sex was important for him and the usually every other day was the best schedule for him. And that's actually how it was in the beginning. But now he says he probably exaggerated at the time. Now he says he doesn't need it often. Fine with me, but at least do it for more than 5 mins? New excuse: he doesn't like to experiment because he thought we had already find what we like, that this my new complains are strange, and that male biology is just like that and more than those 5 minutes makes him bored (yeah, right!). He agreed to try a bit longer, but I noticed he gets completely annoyed, so there's no point to insist... He also says sex distracts him from his work (which is highly intellectual)!
> 
> I had only another sexual partner before I met my husband, and the guy was also "meh". Are most men actually like that? Or I didn't have much luck? I thought a man would be excited to know his wife is having pleasure, even if it takes a bit of extra work. I thought men like to watch, to play, to tease... I feel a bit cheated sometimes, I feel this is not what I signed for and it seems more like it's his personality than anything else. He claims to be super happy.


Uh . . . no, most men are not like that. Yes, we do like to watch, to play, and to tease. Yes, we like her to have pleasure. And we want our wife more than 2 or three times a month. I would still insist on his having a fully health check up. But if he's healthy, this may be the way he is.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Did he use testosterone when he was boxing? Use of T early in life will dramatically reduce production later.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

No, he never used T or any other supplements/drugs in his life. I will insist with him to check if everything is ok. But I'm starting to think it's just the way he is, I see similar "lazy" behaviour in other spheres of his life. I thought I was just being to demanding and obsessed, although it all feels natural to me. The more I read, the more I think I'm the the normal one!


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