# how do I get through this?



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I posted on finance page and the considering divorce page and now I am here. I made the decision to file for a divorce. My story in a nut shell is; I decided to file after several years of paying for his back taxes and other debt (close to $30,000). He worked about 1/3 of the time we have been together and has been unemployed for over 14 months this time around. There of course were other problems and I think if it wasn't for these two we could have made it work. 

No children as we are in our mid-fifties. I have brought up divorce many times and he would do more to find a job for a while but then that would taper off. When he does have money/paycheck he spends it the way he wants, on our home yes, but not to pay bills. We have been behind on all our bills more than once in these 6 years, sometimes when IRS take chunks of money out of our account without notice (there was notice but my mate didn't let me see them), we have been without heat for up to a week because we couldn't pay our gas bill, we had electric heater and now our electric bill average is higher. I didn't know it before we got married but he had no savings or retirement. 


I know I need to get out before I lose even more money paying is bills and supporting him. 

Now he has been served I thought I would be relieved maybe even a little happy. 

I am not relieved at all, I am so depressed about hurting him out, I feel like a failures, I love him and miss him so much, we had so many dreams for our house that we couldn't do because he didn't work much and now they will never happen. I can't believe how much this hurts. I don't feel motivated to do anything I normally love, I am crying all the time. 

It has been less than 48 hours but I am hurting so bad I don't know what to do. I try to clean his stuff out but everything has some memory attached so I just sit down and cry more. 

Do anyone has suggestion on how to get through this? (I have done some physical labor and I call my friends and family and vent then talk about happy stuff)

How long will I feel so devistated? 

I have to go to work on Monday and my job involves working with the public, I can't keep breaking down and crying. 

Any suggestions? 


Like I said, I


----------



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I managed to sleep last night but woke up early and now at 9 a.m. the day seems very long. I check my phone every few minutes to see if he has called. Every minute I want to call him and tell him he can come back and I will live with whatever problems that brings. 

I also know that if I do, in a few days I will feel trapped and frustrated again. I will start worrying how I will pay the bills and get frustrated that he can sit and play games all day and I have to work and come home to pick up after him, cook and clean. In a few months I will have to draw out more money from my retirement to pay bills and by the time I retire, there will be no money left. 

Okay it does help to type the words out but I know in about 2 minutes I will want to call him. 

How do I stay strong and move forward?
Why if I know this is right does it hurt so very much?


----------



## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't think debt is any reason to divorce, per se'. I'll assume this is more him being a deadbeat. You know the situation better than I do. If you had all of your bills paid and were independently wealthy, what would the marriage be like? Under all of the good times the money would bring, would he be selfishly doing things for himself? Those are things you have to ask yourself. Has he always been from one job to another? Periods of unemployment? If he's able bodied, he should work. You might give him time to figure this out rather than divorce outright. If you love him and he wants to start putting forth some effort, then you should give him a chance to. However, if he's not going to move forward then you have little choice. Stay or go.


----------



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

You do not have to go to work on monday. In fact you should not. Go sick. Have the week of to hurt and feel the pain. Then be in a stronger place for next week.


----------



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I left a lot out of this story. I found his SS review that showed no income for 7 years and that he did not make half as much as he said he did the 5 years before we married. He worked for about 18 months when we were first married and then was off work for a couple of years then I gave him a deadline, he got a job and worked almost a year then. One of his creditors has been hounding him since 91. He was very fun loving and treated myself, my children and grandchilden wonderful before marriage and for the first year or so. Now he puts them down every chance he gets. Throws a fit if I want to have them spend the night. He doesn't want me to visit one of my daughters who live out of state etc. so no I think if the money situation was resolved I still would have filed, maybe not quite yet but soon. The move was prompted when I found out he isn't going to report income for his new business he is starting and that he bought a new guitar when I didn't have enough money to pay our electric bill. 

He promises to do things but doesn't do anything to make things happen. No action just words. Before marriage he would help out with my interests in volunteering and talked like he had always done this type of thing. After marriage this soon stopped. He doesn't have a job but won't even help his handicapped son or elderly parents do things around their homes. He saids no one helped him they can figure it out how to get things done on their own. 

I am pretty sure now this has been his lifestyle for years. There were many red flags before we were married that I choose to ignore but I just can't continue looking a ways and pretending things are fine. 

Of course there are many things I love about him too. that is what makes it so hard. Plus all the things we talked about doing with our home and family early in the marriage. Every where I look in the house and yard I think of all these dreams that I hoped we would be enjoying together. I hurt because I wanted this to be a sucessful partnership & I still love him. 

I has been better tonight. Two of my children and a grandson came over today. I did some walking to relive some stress. 

I hope I can sleep tonight.


----------



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

Well I suppose it is getting a little bit better. I haven't spent every night at home and I think that has helped to be away from the house. I have taken a couple of days off to pack up his stuff, this is not fun. I was doing really good today until now. 

Now I want to call him and it is too late to call my friends to have them talk me out of it. I can't sleep and I can call.....I will try very hard not to call.


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

One day at a time, it takes time to work out the emotional issues of the heart. It hurts like hell and is always on your mind, till one magical day you wake up and it doesn't hurt as much...then not at all some days and before you know it...you are in the healing phase. Just handle all of the business up front, so the creditors don't come for you. I am also in my early 50's and going through some of the same things and I know claim the other side ;o) I am healing and happy about it.


----------



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

thank you hesnothappy. 

In the last two days I have had to fill the propane tank $445 and fix the AC and tomorrow I have to get new front tires because one is bald. 

He won't be helping with any bills of course and YET here I sit wanting to call him and thinking maybe this time he will change, maybe this is what it takes to make him realize that he needs to work and pay his bills and that he will want to have a job and contribute. If he is working maybe he won't be mean to others and he will appreciate what I do for him and others. .....

I know I am smarter than that, but the pull to call him is so very strong.


----------

