# Feeling like divorce is the only option



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm not even sure how to begin writing this. I don't want to divorce my husband, but I am truly afraid that it is my only option.

My husband is a WONDERFUL MAN, a fantastic friend, but he is not a husband to me. We've been married for more than 8.5 years. He will not have sex with me. Not at all. He has never had sex before. He is not gay, and has never shown any interest in men. There is evidence of sexual interest in women, and in fact, we met on a sexually-themed chat room. He tells me he loves me, and I believe that he does, but he simply will not have sex with me.

We've been through marriage counseling. Our therapist told us that we have the best communication skills of any couple she's ever seen. But nothing about our marriage changed.

I can't change him. I know that. I love him deeply and completely and I want nothing more in this world than to have a MARRIAGE with him. But a marriage, to me, includes intimacy. 

I've spent the past 8+ years being patient with him, then trying to cope with my own depression over the rejection. I'm currently on antidepressants and have taken up running to cope with stress. Until the past couple of years, I wouldn't have run even if the cops were chasing me. Now I am scheduled to run a marathon next week. And my left knee is giving out on me. If I lose my ability to run, I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope.

I have no desire to humiliate my husband. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't be a wife to a man who is not a husband. I can be a devoted friend, and perhaps even be a better friend if we are not married. Ideally, if I could divorce him and get a "civil union" instead, then I could keep all of the good things about our relationship in tact and hopefully strip out the sexual component of our marriage. My (most likely delusional) hope is that something like that would fix this sense of complete rejection.

I am at a crossroads. I want to be good to him. But I am afraid that I cannot survive. I have considered suicide in the past. I am afraid if I do not make a change, I eventually will follow through.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Has he had his hormone levels checked? Does he have a sex drive at all?


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## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

He has never had his hormone levels checked, but he tells me that he gets erections quite frequently. I gave him an erection early on in our relationship, and when he realized it, he immediately stopped fooling around with me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rejected said:


> He has never had his hormone levels checked, but he tells me that he gets erections quite frequently. I gave him an erection early on in our relationship, and when he realized it, he immediately stopped fooling around with me.


What explanation does he offer as to why he won't have sex then?


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## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

He says that he is interested in sex, but doesn't know why he can't bring himself to actually have sex. He was never abused that he can remember, and has no specific aversions that he is conscious of. He says he wants sex, but his actions demonstrate a complete lack of interest. When I try to initiate, he suddenly isn't feeling well, or has something that needs doing immediately, or some lame excuse as to why we can't have sex.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I can't imagine not wanting to make love to my wife. This really just goes right over my head. If he won't see a doctor about it, physically or emotionally and has refused for 8 years, unfortunately I doubt that anything will change.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose you have had sex before. What does your therapist say about it. Your problem is not a communication problem but much deeper. Surely you paid a lot of money for your therapist why didnt he/she do something. It sounds like he is scared of something. Most likely that you will ridicule him. After 8 years its unlikely to change.
Is he scared of having children. Is there something religious behind this. Or is the fact of being in a woman.
From your post I dont believe there is really anything physical wrong with him. My best advice to you is to go to a proper therapist. Forget your communication, and all the other things they waste time on. Just get him, a man is better for this, to find out what is wrong with your husband. Better he should go alone. I dont think you should give up just yet. But cant see how any advice on here is likely to help.


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## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

Thank you for that suggestion! There are a couple of things that I suspect may be behind this... His mother never abused him physically, but did have psychological problems, and was often verbally abusive to him and made him feel worthless. He is also a second-generation Holocaust survivor and has several issues related to that. I'm not sure how, but that may be tied into it as well.

Our last therapist was female, and well-intentioned. It is very difficult to find a therapist would would be knowledgable about this area, but I think you are right about a man being better for this...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*He is also a second-generation Holocaust survivor and has several issues related to that. I'm not sure how, but that may be tied into it as well.*
Does that perhaps mean he is Jewish. Are you as well.
Not sure why a second generation who has never been in a concentration camp should have issues.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is a virgin correct? Are you a virgin? If not your past may intimidate him. If he gets sick when becoming aroused it sounds like anxiety to me, I would try a sedative, something like Valium. 

I would also bet a dollar that he's pleasuring himself on a daily basis, which will diminish his need for sex with you. Have you ever talked about masturbation? What does he say about that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So the entire time you have been married, nearly a decade, you have never had sex together???


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