# Best way to deal with contolling mother?



## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi All,
I have posted here asking for help in my relationship with my husband a few months ago, and I got some really excellent advice. So it got me looking inside myself searching for answers. I am still working on that, but now I would like some outside advice on my relationship with my mother as I can’t really figure out how to handle her. My main concern is she becomes really controlling when she comes to visit. When I go visit her things are good overall. When I insist that things are done my way in my house she acts like she is deeply insulted. Am I completely out of line in insisting on that? Should I let her do things her own way? Example: she thinks I need to cut down a large tree in the front yard. I like the tree and do not want to cut it. So every time she sees the tree she comes up with a new reason as to why the tree should be cut like it is going to fall on the house, it produces dangerous dust, etc. I have clearly told her that the tree is not coming down, but she is not letting up. She has previously ripped out small plants/bushes without saying anything. Another example, she really wants to cook when she is over at my house and thinks I need to appreciate her desire. I am a control freak when it comes to my kitchen – I like it clean, and I don’t like other people cooking in it as I don’t know where they spilled stuff so I can’t clean it up. When she cooks she makes a big mess and leaves everything on the counter when she is done. She says that I have too many rules. I do have rules that concern my own house and my own life, but this was the way I was brought up with a lot of order and discipline. Isn’t that kind of hypocritical of her to expect me to live in a chaos? 
When she comes over she feels she has a right to use everything as her own. Is it normal in other families? When she takes a shower she uses my shampoo, brushes, lotions, etc. without asking. I would have no problem with it if she asked, it is the entitlement part that drives me crazy. If she likes something, she asks if she can have it. She moves stuff from place to place without saying anything. I constantly feel that my personal space is being invaded. When I call her out on that she usually denies everything. How do you think a mom should be when she comes over – as a guest or as a head of the household?
If I don’t do as she wants, she would just sit with a very sad face without talking. She says that she knows how to do things right. 
We do not have children yet, but are planning to start trying in the next few years. This really scares me as I know she would drive me crazy. We have two cats that don’t go outside. She believes cats should be able to go outside. On several occasions she would go in/out the house with leaving the front door open. I have repeatedly asked her to make sure the front door is always closed. I have also freaked out on her when I found a front door wide open with one of the cats stepping out on the front porch. We have coyotes, racoons in the area as well as lots of cars. I can only imagine when we don’t agree on something concerning a child!!! 
Another disagreement we have is regarding my mom’s sister (my aunt) and my gradma. I am close with my aunt even though we live far away from each other. My mom and my aunt (her sister) are not very close. My aunt lives with my elderly grandma and looks after her. My mom constantly criticizes my aunt of not taking proper care of my grandma. My opinion is that it is very hard to look after an older person, and my aunt is probably not providing perfect care, but she is doing her best. I am very thankful to my aunt for looking after my grandma. If my mom does not agree with it, she should look after my grandma herself. I once got brave enough to say that to my mom, who went completely berserk yelling at me that I had no right to tell her that. 
How do I deal with my mom? Any thoughts and tips are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading my story.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do we have the same mother? LOL

I got lucky because when I started saying "no" seriously she disowned me. Haven't spoken to her in 14 years now.

To answer your question your mom should act like a guest in your home not the head of household. Oh and if you don't fix this before you have kids it gets worse.....way worse. I got disowned before I had kids but I watched my mom put my sister through hell when it came to her parenting skills.

Tough situation no doubt. Have you considered counseling to help you learn to be more assertive? That's what helped me the most.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

You should respect your elders!

Just kidding.

She is going to drive you insane with your kids. Unfortunately, some courts have the opinion that grandparents have "rights". She sounds like the type to assert those "rights".

Consider establishing your independence now before kids and have a very frank conversation with your husband about her role in your family. Is he going to stand up to her ? If not, you may have some nasty problems later in your marriage.

I knew a couple who had major problems. Daughter a successful marketing executive, married a minister who served a underprivileged community. He was not good enough their daughter and grandchildren. They went to court and actually won visitation rights. One of the most outrageous situations I have ever heard.

Any chance you could move more than 700 miles away from her?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I got disowned and my parents threatened to sue me for grandparents visitation. Luckily I live in a parents right state and they had no case. It never went to court because my parents didn't have a prior relationship with my kids. All I got was a few threatening letters from their attorney but nothing ever came of it.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

When I visit my sons and DILs, I am a GUEST in their home. I respect them/their things & home and show appreciation for them ALLOWING me to impose during my visit. I bring my own toiletries, help them clean/cook, if necessary and never, ever COMPLAIN. I don't want to in a position where I'm no longer welcome. 

This is the mentality your mother should have; she sounds entitled! In no way, shape, or form do you owe her anything. It's like you and she have switched places..... and she's now the whiny brat (no offense). You are an adult now; she needs to start treating you like one. Do you feel comfortable with your and H sitting her down and telling her what you both expect from her when she comes? If so, do this and tell her until she can respect your wishes, she's not welcome. Yes, this will be hard to do, but if you don't set the boundaries/tone now.....you're in for a really rough ride when you bring Gchildren into the mix. Nip it now!!!!!!


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

When I visit my sons and DILs, I am a GUEST in their home. I respect them/their things & home and show appreciation for them ALLOWING me to impose during my visit. I bring my own toiletries, help them clean/cook, if necessary and never, ever COMPLAIN. I don't want to in a position where I'm no longer welcome. 

This is the mentality your mother should have; she sounds entitled! In no way, shape, or form do you owe her anything. It's like you and she have switched places..... and she's now the whiny brat (no offense). You are an adult now; she needs to start treating you like one. Do you feel comfortable with your and H sitting her down and telling her what you both expect from her when she comes? If so, do this and tell her until she can respect your wishes, she's not welcome. Yes, this will be hard to do, but if you don't set the boundaries/tone now.....you're in for a really rough ride when you bring Gchildren into the mix. Nip it now!!!!!!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Have some T-shirts printed up with a pic of the tree that say " Hell no, I won't go" on the front and " My house , my rules" on the back. Wear them every time she visits. She will get the hint. LOL

So sorry that you have to deal with that. Honestly you just need to tell her to butt out. She will get mad but she will get over it.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Have some T-shirts printed up with a pic of the tree that say " Hell no, I won't go" on the front and " My house , my rules" on the back. Wear them every time she visits. She will get the hint. LOL
> 
> it.


Love it! :rofl:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

She sounds pushy, but you should practice saying no, and let her know if she does not listen she will not be coming over again.

When my parents are in my home, I invite them to make themselves comfortable. That includes helping themselves in my kitchen, putting whatever they want on TV, etc. My mom likes to "decorate" and our house is pretty bare...partly because we've only lived here a year and partly because we have two preschoolers and have enough clutter with all their toys and junk. But she always brings over new things with her when she comes...curtains, pictures, knick-knacks, rugs, etc. They are not always in my taste, but I accept them graciously because honestly, I haven't had time to get any of that stuff myself and I could just plain torture myself shopping around for the perfect item, because that's how I am.

I used to be much more like you before I had kids. My home looked like a page out of Home&Garden magazine. I was picky about how people behaved and handled things in my house. Then I had two kids and life just got a whole lot more stressful. I learned to let go of SOME of my need to have things a certain way, and a lot of the behavior from my parents that once felt intrusive actually felt like a relief because I did not have time or energy to take care of things or pretend to be the perfect hostess when they came over.

Same thing with my in-laws...I found them to be nosey, intrusive and bothersome before kids. After kids I enjoyed that they were so willing to roll up their sleeves and help without being asked because I definitely needed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I think the cats are a good place to start practicing boundaries with your difficult mother, because I do believe that this will be much more difficult with kids and her overruling you when she disagrees with you. You're going to need to stick to your guns when you tell her that when she is in your house, you expect her to respect your rules, and if she can't, then she is not welcome. Whether she agrees or disagrees that the cats should be indoor, she needs to respect that they may not be permitted outside. 

I think there are some things to loosen up on - maybe it's because I'm not an obsessively clean person, but I'd welcome someone creating a nice meal for my family, even if it meant that I had to clean up. Not knowing where food splattered and getting stressed over it is a little over-the-top to me. Also, when I have guests over, I don't think twice that they use my soap and shampoo. Pick your battles, and I think those battles include your cats safety and what nerve rearranging stuff in your house.


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