# So hurt about this



## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

I want to introduce myself. I have never posted on this site before; I never thought I would need a site like this 1-week ago. But circumstances have changed. To be brief I work 12-hour night shifts, my wife 1 year ago completed 4-year grad school. We don’t have any kids and have been married for a little over 5 years, been together for over 9. I have suspected that she might be having an affair for almost a year. I repeatedly asked her if any thing was going on and the answer was always “no we are just friends”. Last Sat. I found them in my home, not in any sexual act but it was suspicious. I asked her again if anything was going on and finally she said yes they were having an affair. She stated that there was no intercourse, just heavy kissing and had been going on for almost 8 months.

I am so angry now, so sad, so, argh! I think I might not be so bad if it was an isolated incident. But this took thought, planning, LYING. She violated my trust, our marriage. Some of the issues I am having a hard time with right now are if I can ever trust her again. How can I believe anything that she has said or will say to me now? She has been lying to me for 8 months. Not once but many times, and doing it well. We talked about me changing to the day shift but she asked me to stay on nights. Now I know its because she wanted to continue this affair.

Before all this happened I respected her, gave her all the freedom that she wanted. I care about her well-being, want her to succeed in her career, want the best for her. I still Love her and even respect her. I believed everything she said implicitly. I had no reason to distrust her. I loved her.

She says now that they are done. She won’t have any more contact with this guy whom she has known for 5 years. She says that she has done a terrible thing and wants to still be married to me. She said she felt bad every time it happened and just did not know how to end it. We have set up a counseling session for Thursday of this week. I feel like there is nothing that this counselor is going to say that I have not thought of or can work out. But I am willing to give it at least 3 sessions.

My first knee jerk reaction is we are done. I don’t want to be married to someone who could lie, and be so deceitful about something like this. Where did she think it would lead? Like I said she wants to continue the marriage. I am not sure what to do at this point. If we stay together, who knows how long I will look at her and think about what she has done. Who knows how long it will take to regain trust, respect and a sense that she is not lying to me anymore. If we get divorced on the other hand there are so many people that are affected by this. I will be loosing some amazing in-laws and friends. I have a poor emotional support system. Hers is much stronger. I am not currently concerned about the financial outcome of a divorce the emotional is more of a concern at this point. 

(I appoligize for the grammer mistakes.) What advise can anyone give about this situation.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

What you are going through is terrible. The love you have for your wife doesn't just go away because of the affair. Councelling is a good start. Be prepared to hear the affair went farther than kissing. That's only what she's telling you now. 8 months is a long time to be deceiving you. It's a hard thing to work through. You are married and you both deserve to give your marriage every chance before you come to the decision of divorce. GOOD LUCK


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to demand a polygraph test. It will cost about $700.00 dollars. Get the information on it. Schedule it (or make her think you have). The expense of it is well worth it. Most likely she will cave before she gets in the chair. 8 months of petting and no intercourse with you working nights. Does that sound plausible to you? You will find out whether you want to go to those 3 counseling sessions or not. Ask her one more time before you bring it up. Most likely she will lie to you again. And when you tell her you must be looking at her face. It must be a total shock. You will probably be able to see it in her face. I think she would crack immediately. Then at least you will have the truth.


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## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

Thanks for the replys.
At this point I dont think that I would go and get a polygraph on her. If anything else comes out at the counceler I think we are done. I need the truth, the damage has already been done. by withholding any more I feel she will only do more harm to our relationship. I guess time will tell.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

As I said the mere mention of it could be enough to make her cave.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I question the use (or threat)of a polygraph but use your own judgment there. I too doubt that the relationship stopped at “heavy kissing”. We all know what can happen in the heat of passion. And in your own house to boot. What she has done is a terrible thing and she does need to be honest with you. If you elect to try and repair the marriage, don’t put a time line on it. i.e. three sessions. It will likely take more sessions than that just to get to the core issues. You are only at the start of your journey. Strap in, it’ll likely be a long haul but it can be successful.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

Hurt55, I was where you are a short time ago. At this point, I can tell you that there IS a road past this, if you and your wife choose to take it. You can read our story here She Cheated-The Long Road Past Infidelity We are making it, and you can too. I'm here for you if you need me.


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## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

After another disscussion with her she said that there had been some mutual masturbation. (ie. I gave him a hand job) I still don't know if that is the extent of their physical affair. 

At this point if someone asks how commited we are to fixing our relationship I would say my wife (the one that had the affair, and must have had a problem with our marriage) says she is NOW 100% commited. I on the other hand, 2 weeks ago I would have given her the moon, done anything, gone anywhere. Now all I can feel is anger, so if I had to give a # it would be 25%.

Amplexor; why does she not need to be honest with me? I need her to be 100% honest! If she continues to lie or withold information how can I ever trust her again? Because of some inconsisanties in what she has told me so far. I am not sure what to believe. I agree I am not sure 3 sessions is really being fair.. I guess I will have to see what happends and take 1 day at a time. - The sun will rise. - 

Cheated Don; Gratz on your blogs and post. If there is a road past it I dont see it. I can't see much of anything at this point. I know each relationship is different. I understand that although we are all here with a similar situation, we have vastly different experiences. As I sit here all I can think of is how this will change me for the rest of my life. Will I ever be able to unconditionally trust her ever again? I feel like nothing about who I was or who we were can remain after this.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

Hurt,
I wish I could tell you that all you are feeling will just go away, and everything will be ok. It won't. This WILL change everything. Maybe forever, maybe not. I'm not far enough into it to say. I can tell you that a few weeks after making the choice to stay and work through this with my wife, we are in many ways better than b4. That doesn't mean the pain of what she did doesn't continue to hurt, or that the trust I once had for her will ever return to what it was. There IS a road past this into a new future. There isn't a road that will take you back to where you were. Anne and I have decided that where WE were wasn't such a great place after all. Your mileage may vary. Keep in touch.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can't reconcile without the truth. You may not want the sordid details, but without complete truth there can not be any trust. She wanted you to stay working nights, so she could just do heavy petting with him. 8 months? Just how many times did he make love to your wife in your bed? Did she kiss you when you got home, after having her mouth all over him? You have no idea of the extent of this affair and she is still lying to you. 

How can you start reconciliation on that basis. You still work nights. You can't watch her 24/7. Do you think she is the only woman to ever say "I have cut it off" and not started right back up. There has been no consequence to her actions whatsoever. You have sent her no message. If she can just get you to stay, she may be able to have your security and him in bed. This is straight talk. I know it's harsh. But if all you do is cave on everything. How is she going to respect you. It was lack of respect for you that allowed her to do this so far. She knew what the risk was. But she figured she could handle you if you found out. Think about this. She lies to you for 8 months. She doesn't love this guy or she would be torn as to whether to choose him or you. She's not. She just wanted him for sex and you for security. She is a cake eater.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

hurt55 said:


> Amplexor; why does she not need to be honest with me? I need her to be 100% honest! If she continues to lie or withold information how can I ever trust her again? Because of some inconsisanties in what she has told me so far. I am not sure what to believe. I agree I am not sure 3 sessions is really being fair.. I guess I will have to see what happends and take 1 day at a time. - The sun will rise. -


Hurt, I'm not sure in my post where it said she doesn’t need to be honest. I simply question weather a polygraph is the correct way to accomplish this. I think it is healthier in the long run for couples to rebuild marriage based on a faith in trust. I also recognize there are situations where validation, auditing and snooping are required to build trust. You will need to make the determination of what you are comfortable with. She has proven to be a liar at this point. Heavy kissing has no gone to a hand job. Once??? Unlikely and I doubt it stopped at manual stimulation either. As the others said you may not want to know the play by plays but you do need to know the extent of the intimacy. In order for you to be successful you need to be all in, not 25%. Your wife has committed 100% and if you believe she is you need to do the same. It is possible your wife has experienced therapy with a 2X4. She has realized just what she has to lose and how much she really does care for you. It will all come down to if you trust in her and her effort. You need to set your boundaries and the first is no further contact with TOM. EVER!!!! Make it clear that this is the foundation of recovery. While you have no doubt erred in the marriage, she is the one that stepped out of her vows to you. Be firm but understanding and supportive as well. This will be difficult for you both.


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## amoul (Jan 22, 2009)

hi,
first and foremost you need to know everything,then if you decided to go ahead and rebuild your marriage things will be all clear for both of you,I went thru the same thing,we decided to stay together,but I made her understand,I never trust her like before again.it is a shattered world but it is possible to patch things up and move on.
good luck


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## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

She ended up disclosing what you/and me thought. Intercourse did happen. She said it only happend once, was terrible and afterword was very disapointed. She said that she was curious to what it would be like but had no desire to continue a sexual relationship after that happend. She made a timeline of events that happend and how their relationship progressed. It hurt to hear/read this timeline but I believe her. We have been going to a counceler and have talked a lot about what might have lead to this happening.

I am still angry, SAD, and incredibly hurt. I am having a hard time thinking about what our future holds, and how to manage it after this. We are just 2 weeks out from this nucular bomb. I feel like I am still dealing with an acute traumatic situation. Time will tell.

We are reading the book "After the Affair" has anyone else read this? One partner reads a chapter, highlights points that are important than we discuss them. I am working on getting a new job. ie. Day shift. But mostly just trying to make it through one day at a time.

Your thoughts?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

what about the polygraph, or threat of it. You don't have an affair with someone of 8 months and have sex once. Think for a moment. They have sex. It wasn't good and they didn't enjoy it. Why would you continue to make out? Nobody has an affair where the husband is gone 12 hours at a shot over a work week for 8 months, and believes that their WW only had sex once. How is this even plausible to you? I can't imagine you just accept that. You need to read many of the other threads on this forum and others. Do you know how many cheating spouses claim "only once and it wasn't good" Like 90% of the time. It's your marriage but I would require complete honesty. This is more then you not knowing. This is her keeping a secret from you that will destroy any future hope of reconciliation. Why? Because she still believes she can deceive you and get away with it. You may choose to say you don't care how many times they had sex. But you can't say that you believe it was only once, without any confirmation by readily available technology. You have to find out the WHOLE TRUTH. Then you can work towards reconciliation. 8 months, sex once, I don't think so.


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## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

Initforthefuration, thank you for you posts and repeted suggestions for the polygraph. You bring up some very good points and I can see where you are coming from. Maybe you are trying to be beat it in to me bit it seems a bit hostile.

Is there anyone who has had there spouse take a polygraph test as Initfortheduration has suggested and found out any new information? was it worth it? Did it change you mind about what to do about your relationship to get a divorce or stay together?

She said that there relationship very slowly progressed. She had alot of guilt. Even after she disclosed the affair to me I want to trust what she says as true. Do I 100% believe her? NO...The comments on this forum and to my story have given me strength to ask some hard questions, about myself and our relationship. I have no idea where this is going or what to do next. What is right for me? what is right for us? what is the path that I should take?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not hostile. Emphatic. I want your marriage to succeed. But if you get trickle truth it will set you back to the day of discovery, every time. The other option is to go and interview him independently. This can also be a test. You go over without him knowing. Be forceful and do not let him out of your site. Tell him you need this for closure. He may feel guilty enough to answer your questions. The test is. Ask him if you can see his phone. He will probably let you. Then call your wife from his number. If she is truly NC she will not answer it. If not she will. That's one way. 

Regarding the polygraph. You may not even have to put her through it. If you just run some information off the web and tell her you are scheduling and appointment. Stop and think for a moment. Wouldn't this be the best way for her to gain your trust again. Why would she have a problem with that? *If you only want to test her in this. It is critical that you be looking into her eyes and face when you bring this up. You will see if she has something to hide because, you will see fear in her face and eyes.* Again, if you do not want to know the truth and expose your heart by giving it back to her without verifying as much as possible that she deserves it, you have no one to blame but yourself if you find out something later. *As I said, I want to see your marriage succeed. And in truth I am only asking you to do something that will allow you to move forward more confidently because you are without doubt about her telling you the truth. How can this be bad?*


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

There are another two reason for the polygraph. One is have you seen or spoken to him since you went No contact with him. The other and most important one is (and this will be the hardest for you to ask too), do you love him? And the follow on, do you love me. What she has done should leave question enough in your mind to require an answer for all these.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

hurt55 said:


> Is there anyone who has had there spouse take a polygraph test as Initfortheduration has suggested and found out any new information? was it worth it? Did it change you mind about what to do about your relationship to get a divorce or stay together?


My ex-boyfriend used to feel insecure about us so he tried to get me pregnant...the 1st and 2nd time it happened i didnt think much of it..but when it happened the 3rd time, i started getting suspicious...i confronted him, he denied it...blah blah blah...so i told him i scheduled a polygraph test...i took him to some building and once we got there he panicked and finally told me the whole thruth...i broke up with him but he showed a lot of remorse, and was persistent, called all my friends and some familly crying and asking them for help...finaly after like 3 months, he wore me down, i gave in and we got back together ...so he never tried it again...he learned his lesson...

So like InItForTheDuration said, just the threat of it might be enough for her to confess to the whole thing...because she's def not telling you the whole truth. Assuming the worse, assuming she tells you she has slept with him 100x, in your bed, before and after you, will you still forgive her? That's the question you have to ask yourself. But 2 questions an actual polygraph test can answer for you that a counseling session or threat of a polygraph test alone can't answer is : " Does she intend to stop seeing Tom? " & "Has she stopped seeing him?"


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife must believe that she cannot pull one (or a hundred) over you. This will help to keep her on the straight and narrow in the future. You have to be able to trust her or the next 30 or 40 years will be hell.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi hurt 55, I am sorry for what you are going thru right now. I am currently going thru a similiar situation and it is very painful, but can work out that you are better off, either married or not.

You have had some good advice already but I would like to add a bit of my own. 

First off think about what your wife is telling you. No I'm not having an affair, well maybe I am but no sex, well maybe just a little masturbation now and then, well maybe we had sex but only once. Dude, wake up she is a liar, then and now. How do you ever trust her if she continues to lie? You don't. In order for you to trust her she has to prove to you she isn't lying, and if she wants to save the marriage she should be willing to do whatever it takes. If you ask where she is going she needs to tell you, if you want to see her cell phone she has to show you, if you want her internet pass word she needs to give it to you. She has given up her right to privacy for now, if she refuses to do that then she isn't ready to work on saving the marriage.

My other issue is do you really want her to answer all your questions? You know she had an affair, what is the point on knowing how many times they had sex, or where they had sex. How will her answers change your feelings? We only had sex once but it was in our home on your side of the bed, or we had sex ten times but always at a motel. If her answers will help you decide if you want to work on the marriage or not then ask away, but the truth may crush you even more, so be ready. If you want to save the marriage and move foreward I say don't ask any more details, she can still start proving her honesty without all the nasty little details of the affair being part of it. An affair can be just a symptom of other issues, I suggest those are the question and answers you need to work on. 

You sound a lot like me, I was able to forgive a lot in my marriage but I was never able to forget. I have said this before, affairs don't happen, they take planning, lies and deceit. Someone who can do that to you now can do it again next year or in five years. The way she is right now you will never trust her, it will take a long time for her to earn your trust back. 

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cooper is right. You may very well not want to know the details. But the problem is, she will think that she has pulled something over on you. There is no guarantee that she has stopped contact with him either. Another reason to confront the OM. You need a var in the house and her car. I believe that you can get over this. But what happens if you find out more later. It will be even harder then. Why? Because she will have proven to have lied to you again. When if you find out every thing now, she and you can make a fresh start.


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