# Need opinions- deception and lies- HELP



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

So my story is about deception, lying and trust. I just need help and this site and peoples stories are helping. 
I have been with my husband for 17years. We are a mixed family and it has caused small issues and one MAJOR one. 
Long story-short. My step-daughter(32) and I do not speak AT ALL. I cut her off years ago after many years of disrespectful treatment with no regrets. My husband and her have a relationship but do not speak often. It does bother me when they talk as I feel he has never stood up for me to her. Never told her you cannot disrespect my wife etc. I hope that makes sense. 
Over the past year he has had to travel alot for work. We go for months without seeing one another. It has been very hard. Last week I moved to where he is now, a stable work area. 
Now for the troubling part. I found out a week before coming here that he has been using a pre-paid cell phone to talk to his daughter and that she flew out to see him. His excuse for not telling me was that I would be upset, and yes I admit it I would have been BUT I would have got over it. It is his kid, and I do not want him to have no relationship with her. I just want to know that he is talking to her because I feel she is trying to manipulate him and talking about me. She "let the cat out of the bag" about him meeting and talking to her by facebooking a message to MY daughter (who also has no relationship with her). Her excuse was that she was drunk and PMS. 
So... in the midst of all of this are the other kids. His kids knew all this was going on and mine did not. His kids lied for him and kept it a secret. I am not upset with them for this, it was not their fault. The problem is that I do not believe a word he says. How can I? I am hearing all these different stories and do not know where to go from here. I am meeting with a therapist on Friday to help me deal with this. 
I love him - period. but is that enough, how do I love him and accept this person as part of my life (and the toxicity they bring into mine) and accept the lies and deception. 
I am so confused, how do I get over it when I believe he is still lying. He told me he never had a pre-paid phone but everyone is saying he did. He says they talked rarely- I've heard everyday. He has also said - he just though I would never find out etc. I have been duped for about 9 months. 
I think her plan was to have this come out right before my move and hopefully result in me not moving back here as I will make it harder for them to communicate. 
I am sorry if I am rambling on and on, as with most people here- I was blindsided by this. I would never have thought this would happen to me.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vbeezy2011 said:


> I found out a week before coming here that he has been using a pre-paid cell phone to talk to his daughter and that she flew out to see him. His excuse for not telling me was that I would be upset, and yes I admit it I would have been BUT* I would have got over it.* It is his kid, and I do not want him to have no relationship with her.


You can still get over it.

I think it is interesting that you control his interactions with his daughter to such a degree yet think you do not.

Maybe you ought to give up the anger.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

I do think I try to control it. I do not deny that at all. I just wonder is anyone understands my need to know that they talk. I am not sure I even understand it. I want to give up the anger-I just do not know how. She continually adds negativity to my life, how do I move on from that? 
I feel that if he just said - Oh I talked to so and so today, I would care less. I hate finding out from others. I am so conflicted about the whole thing. and to restate again; I do feel controlling but justified??? 
and if anyone has ideas on how to give up the anger- please share


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

define this negativity she adds to your life?


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You come off as incredibly controlling and self centered. The fact he had to revert to a prepaid cell phone to have contact with his daughter because of the grief he'd get from it is obscene. 

Grow up and stop trying to control others. What the hell is the amount he talks to his daughter ANY of your concern.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

She continually talks/gossips about my kids and me to family members. I find it disrespectful. It is my concern if it affects our relationship- which it does. He did not "have to" resort to a pre-paid cell- he chose to. That is the problem, openness. Does it bother me that he talks to her and she disrespects me- sure. Do I know I have to suck it up- yes. As far as it being controlling; yes I think it is too but it is hard to know someone who is your husband and partner engages in converstation with someone who disrespects you. I removed myself from this situation by not talking to her; self centered - I guess I would say yes- but why would I want that around me? 
If that is controlling and self-centered; I guess I am guilty.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Grow up and stop trying to control others. What the hell is the amount he talks to his daughter ANY of your concern.[/QUOTE]

 Would you allow your husband/wife to engage in discussions with someone who knowingly is disrespectful to you and not be concerned?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

seeking sanity said:


> Grow up and stop trying to control others. What the hell is the amount he talks to his daughter ANY of your concern.





vbeezy2011 said:


> Would you allow your husband/wife to engage in discussions with someone who knowingly is disrespectful to you and not be concerned?


You still have not defined this negativity.

How exactly is she disrespectful?

Also, do you think it disrespectful towards your husband to harbor animosity towards his daughter?

What exactly did she do that you took offense over?


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Okay example:
She would come to my house and say rude comments to my daughter about anything - her clothes, her boyfriends. This went on for years. I asked my husband to talk with her about it and he never did, until one day I said - that is enough- be respectful or do not come over here. 

She has said various things about me to other family members- how I have changed her father, I am bad for him, I am a B****, how my daughter is a B****. How I treat my kids better than I treated them. 

Mind you all of the people involved are 18 and up now. She is 32, and most of this blew up when she was 28ish. 

Last week she facebooked my daughter and told her she was a SH**bag. _ My daughter has had no contact with her for over a year. 
She then went on to say I am a bad person who deserves to die alone etc. 

I wish they had a relationship in many ways; I just do not want to be around her. I think she needs him. 
I just don't know how I can seperate myself from her. I have tried to not talk to her and somehow we arrive here. I am sure it sounds mean of me but I do not feel I need that kind of person in my life.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Agree, Agree, Agree. And the "allow" is funny too. Thanks, it made me laugh too. 

That is what I am working on. I again know that they need to be in a relationship. 
Any ideas how to let it go or not care about it??????


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> Would you allow your husband/wife to engage in discussions with someone who knowingly is disrespectful to you and not be concerned?


I don't control my wife. If she was talking to her daughter, it's not really my business. 

Okay, think of it this way: You are the creator of your own problem. The more you control and manipulate and make this an issue, the more reason a) he has to hide it, and b) ammo she has to complain.

If this were my marriage, I would leave you. Sorry, but you need to get some hard perspective here. You are an adult and your job is bring unity, not division in your family.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

White Rabbit: You wrote
My mantra for years was, "if her behavior bothers him,he'll do something about it.if he doesn't stop it,he must be ok with it."

I have said this to my husband many times. My problem is the second part- he must be okay with it. 

How can I be okay with him thinking it is okay? If he does not tell her to stop talking about me; does that mean he thinks it is okay? 

I think I just need to find the way to stop thinking about it just like you said. -- How though; I do not know.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Makes sense in many ways. I appreciate the comments and advice. 
That is why I am here.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This all really started 17 years ago when your stepdaughter was 15. 

I do not know the circumstances of you marrying her father, but I can bet she felt replaced by your children.

I am not sure if you you were aware of this or did anything to make her feel welcome in her father's home. a rejected 15-year-old is a difficult person to be around, I am sure.

Your own insecurity about your marriage has led you to a rift that is widening. Your stepdaughter is in an arrested spot of feeling rejected by her father.

Imagine how awful it is for your husband. He has to sneak around to communicate with his daughter!

There is one person in this whole melange of negativity that is driving it--you.

You are the one who could lay down the emotional weaponry and begin to heal the rift in the family.

Yes, your stepdaughter is angry with you and may derail your efforts. However, this journey can happen and over time you both can at least be accepting of the other.

She is 32 now and you presumably are older than she. It is time to heal the family.

Start today. Tell them both, your husband and your stepdaughter that you have been mistaken in trying to keep them apart. Apologize without expectation. Swallow your pride.

The rest will flow.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

michzz said:


> This all really started 17 years ago when your stepdaughter was 15.
> 
> I do not know the circumstances of you marrying her father, but I can bet she felt replaced by your children.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Great advice!


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thank you for your comments and yes it was hard when we got together to have instant teenagers. I do agree that it is awful and hard for my husband. 
The rest might be a bit harder. I have no intention of keeping them apart but I am not ready to do the whole happy family idea either. 
I will continue to hear the advice and ponder it. Thanks for it all.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

^^^ yes Mitch ^^^ this is perfect you take control as a mature adult and let it go. Be the big person. You probably made some mistakes early on it's natural given a blended family and teen angst. So forgive yourself, your husband and daughter in law. Your husband loves you but he is torn. No matter how badly a child behaves, a parent always forgives. You know that, you have kids. Parents never give them up. 

You are not wrong for being upset about the disrespect, it is distressing I am certain. And your husband should have taken up for you but he was probably as distressed and torn as you. So now it is time to let it go. Write the details and feelings out one last time, read it over like it is something written by a good friend and then advise this good friend about what to do. take the document fold it and file it away.

It there if it pops up in your mind and you need to reinforce your advice to your friend. Otherwise, keep it filled away and feel the relief that releasing it brings. Enjoy what you have don't let anyone invade you mind and cloud you thoughts. 

I think White Rabbits take on you husband is spot on. Print it out and read it over every time you feel that you are going south in your effort to let go. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks Catherine, and I totally agree-- No matter how badly a child behaves, a parent always forgives. 

I like the idea of writing it all out too. Thanks to all for your great thoughts and advice.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

vbeezy2011 said:


> She continually talks/gossips about my kids and me to family members.


So?


> It is my concern if it affects our relationship- which it does.


Only because you make it an issue.


> He did not "have to" resort to a pre-paid cell- he chose to.


Ask yourself WHY he cannot be honest with his wife?


> Does it bother me that he talks to her and she disrespects me- sure. Do I know I have to suck it up- yes.


So, suck it up. 

But you're not. You're making him choose between her and you. You're NOT sucking it up. You're trying to control another person's actions. 



> As far as it being controlling; yes I think it is too but it is hard to know someone who is your husband and partner engages in converstation with someone who disrespects you.


Again, so? Are you going to melt into a little puddle because she puts bad words out into the atmosphere?



> I removed myself from this situation by not talking to her; self centered - I guess I would say yes- but why would I want that around me?


Because....she is your husband's child and instead of finding the adult, mature way to deal with not-nice people, instead of taking the high road, you forced him to choose between you two, and you caused everyone else in the family to lie and keep secrets out of fear of your backlash. 

So...was it worth it? Teaching your husband 'you'd better love me and choose me, or else?'

It's not like she's going around slashing your tires or something. All that's happened is that you've taught her (and all the other kids) how to be petty and restrict favors from people who don't treat you the way you want to be treated. And it's taught your husband to fear you and consider you an enemy whom he has to lie to. 

How about you abandon the whole issue, admit there've been mistakes on both sides, ask for togetherness, and focus your time on recommitting to making your marriage the best marriage in the world, and then it won't be an issue any more.


----------



## vbeezy2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Great ideas, thanks for your input


----------

