# Married 23 years NEED HELP !!!



## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

I have been married 23 yrs this summer. Having TONS trouble!

I am going to try to make this short as possible, well as short as you can make 23 yrs! lol ( sorry so long)

I am tired of the emotional rollercoaster and constant verbal abuse!

He has been out of work since last november. He constantly tells me he wont get a job. Then this last week he "threatened me" telling me that he 'wants a job now, just so that I will leave him alone'. This was probably a result of my reminding him he HAS to get a job by Sept 1. (we had an 'agreement' that once school started he would have a job) He hasnt even tried.

Note: my job is commission based and was NEVER intended to support the family. it was supposed to supplement college and other expenses of having teenagers and possibly allow some savings. the Current economy has been bad for my business as well! I stayed home for 17 yrs with kids and took this job for the aforementioned purpose.

For the last 2 years, I have seen him slowly but surely trying to push me out of the family. When I go home, he makes hateful and rude comments like. "go back to work" " why are you here" or "when you are here you only disrupt everything". When I try to do some work around the home, he wont let me or he makes comments like "the ONLY reason you are doing that is because you think *I* am so incapable" or "I cant do anything right and you have to go and do it for me". He belittles me in front of the children. 

I dont think he likes me. He cant talk civil to me. He almost always yells or scolds me instead of talking. He refuses to have a private conversation. He always wants to have them either in front of the children or is so loud that they cant help but hear. Even when I beg him to keep it quiet between us, he will just raise his voice more and declare "what is my problem".

5 yrs ago, he was working out of town, about 3 hr away, I got really really sick and was hospitalized for 3 days. The docs thought I was having a heart attack. It took 2 days for them to figure out that my thyroid had totally shut down causing my symptoms. I nearly died. The FIRST few hours when I was in ER, the nurse called my hubby on my cell phone and told him I was having a heart attack and needed him here. She got all red in the face and handed me the phone. Hubby told me he wasnt coming that he couldnt miss work, he had a deadline!!

The nurse called my mom who drove 5 hrs to be with me. Hubby never called or came to see me. He did not see me for two weeks! 2 days AFTER I was discharged, my mom called him.

Every since then, I have felt that he is emotionally detached and could care less about me. When I had a lump in my breast a year ago I got it all taken care of without mentioning it to him because I figured he wouldnt care. My sister got mad and told him that I had a lump. His reaction..."oh, she'll be fine".
I never heard another word about it. Thankfully, I was fine, but he never asked.

This has only been the proverbial Tip of the Iceberg. 

I just dont know what to do. I confided in my mom who used to be a counselor for abused women. She said that I need to accept that I have been the victim of emotional and verbal abuse for a long time and take a stand for myself! 

I really hate my life right now. I am under constant pressure to WORK more and more (since I have commission job) and spend less and less time with my family. When I am home, like I mentioned, I am told not to be there.

I worry about the children. The youngest ones are 9 and 12. They are my sweethearts and I feel like he is STEALING them from me and turning them against me! I truly hate the way he takes care of them and the way he allows (and encourages) them to talk to me!! 

I am really confused right now....

Any advice...? Anyone have similar experiences...?

Thanks

Emm


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Listen to your mother she right! 

Why do you stay? The kids are witnessing your verbal and emotional abuse. Someone that leaves you to die in the hospital doesn't give two sh___s about you. The way he speaks to you as if you are a dog.."get outta here." 

My advice: Why stay? Make an exit plans. Your life will be completely different once you get this deadbeat and deadheart out of your life.


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

Thank you so much for your reply. I am literally tortured by my situation!


""My advice: Why stay? Make an exit plans. Your life will be completely different once you get this deadbeat and deadheart out of your life""

*Turth be told.... I am petrified!*

I have been working hard this year and have stashed over $10,000 that he is unaware of even after I had to use $3000 pay our bills in August. 

I told my mom about this and she told me to work out a budget so that I would know exactly how much I need to live on.

Here go all the "reasons" I use to rationalize...


WE do have a house that is a rental that is vacant. For the first time ever, I have had trouble finding a renter too. (for a reason maybe?) ALSO the rental has my name on the deed, the house we live in does not.

I also recently realized, I dont "legally" own a vehicle either.

I dont feel that I should have to uproot the kids. I think he should leave, but I dont want to be stuck with BOTH house payments either.

I am worried about the children and how it will affect them?

I am also worried that he has been "making a case" against me as a result of my NOT being home much. Even though I _could_ be home if I chose to. AND I do want to! I just dont feel welcome AND I feel so much pressure to work ALL the time!


:slap: I feel rediculous saying these things! But this is really everything that is going through my head!


I was 2 months shy of 20yo (that would be 19) when I got married. 

Although I consider myself independant and strong, _I am petrified_, literally, because of the kids. IF they were ALL grown, I would go today! 
3 kids still at home... two of them are my main concern. 12yob and 9yog.

Emm


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Take your money and hire your attorney and have the attorney serve him with papers to MOVE out of the house. 

You are just afraid, push through the fear and do what you need to do for your kids, asap. They are at an age you can keep them from being so influenced by getting him out of their lives.

He is abusive and freeloading off of you.

Show him the door with the help of a good attorney.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. 

God is going to take care of you, trust Him to do so.


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

SANDY55

thanks, I wish I had someone irl to turn to about this.

Everyone in our church and friends thinks my hubby is so great! he is like Jekyll and Hyde. Totally different when other people are around.

When I have tried to talk to him about his employment, and LACK thereof. His response is always the same.  He thinks that because he gets a military retirement and unemployment, that I need to suck it up and that HE is contributing by being home and taking care of the home. He then throws it in my face that I "did that for 17 yrs", now it is his turn! Facts, I had 4 babies, homeschooled, took care of EVERYTHING while he was active duty, moved 11 times and literally held the family together. Now, 1 kid gone, 1 about to leave and two others in school full time, no moving etc... I just DONT buy it.

I feel very used! I feel like _he is literally STEALING away _everything that I love the most in life! 

My children and home are where my heart is and he REFUSES to let me have them, or even participate. 

Truth is, I want to quit. I just want to quit everything, take my kids and run away! Then I think "what good would that do for the children?" They like their schools, they are doing well.

 Oh! am I a confused mess!!!


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

It's long past time to get out. 

You will find ways to work things out financially. 

And the kids... what kind of message are you giving the kids, that it's okay to stay in a situation like this?

Be strong, you can do it.


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

:scratchhead:

_Any suggestions?_

One idea I had is to call a meeting with him. Discuss what the problem is (as I see it) What I see that has to be done to fix it and see if he has any ideas for solutions. Or, the inevitable...I cant stay.

My guess is that he will get mad and start blaming me (again).

I have never been SO totally petrified in my life over anything. TBH

IF my children were still homeschooled, and I wasnt self-employed and have a LOT invested in my business....
I would just take them and leave.

I have NO idea _how_ to to it, _what _to do, _when,_ or _Where _to go

Any suggestions....
on whom I can turn to? 
in my community

Thanks, I really feel like MAYBE I am not crazy.... MAYBE I dont deserve to live like this....AND MAYBE I CANT allow my children to see it.

Emm


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

HOW can I just throw away 23 years?!

That is MORE than HALF my life invested.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

In some cases being married that long.... I do not think its a good idea to divorce....
more so if your husband has good insurance, a 401K and there is a house involved that you love.
When I was a nursing student I met many women in this situation
of being married a long time to men who were either drunks or 
cheaters and what they told me was astounding !!!!

They said after this long, what was the use of divorcing.... he would die soon from not taking care of himself and his lifestyle so the women just went on and made a new life... and left him alone.
They slept in different rooms and went on with their lives, getting degrees and moving on... without divorcing

Years later I met some of the women and indded their husbands did pass away about the age of 50-55
and they recieved pensions, all the assets from the marriages
as they were long term marriages ( over 20 years and some even over 30 years)
If you are married to a man who has pension benefits and medical...
other assets...
you should think carefully before walking away as you can always do what some women do and move on with your life and not make your husband the center of attention and center of your life.

It was a shocker to me as I never heard anything like that but now I am the older woman and I can see how patience for them paid off as none of them intended to remarry or date...
they just waited for him to drink or abuse himself to death.

I know that sounds cold but that is a reasonable action in some cases of long term marriages.
and a reality....
a reasonable one.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Of course if he is broke, has nothing, is abusive.... there is no point

also it would not work if a woman was overly emotional or a hothead... or refused to move on with her own life.

This only works with certain couples...... and from what I've seen the women are very wise, calm and smart... husbands are employed or early retired and have assets. All the women I met who did this had no plans to date or marry again.

It worked well for them... and I've met several 20 years later and they are very happy.

If your husband is a broke loser, there is no point...
and if your not patient, wise and motivated to move on with your life there is no point either. In that case you need ind. therapy and a plan to divorce...
and to get a real job... 
be ready to put in long hours and work your butt off...
that is the reality of it.


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

THANK you PRESO.

I certainly understand the idea of "sticking it out". You are the first person here that seems to understand that this is a complex situation.

My hubby has a military pension(small), we have full medical because he is a veteran as well. He has said he doesnt want to work in a job. He has no 401k or any other savings. He has really nice TERM life insurance that is renewable for at least another 7 years.

He is not nice to me at all, he alienates me and I think he is setting a very bad example for the children.

I am not a hothead. I got over that many many years ago. 

To be honest, I am kind of numb to emotion with him. I have gotten to the point that I refuse to argue. I just walk away (most of the time) because I know that I cannot reason with him.


 My BIGGEST concern is for my youngest children. They are 9yog and 12 yob. 

My feeling is that if my hubby will get a job and I can get back into actually taking care of my household HE would be much happier and more tolerable to me.

As long as he is home full time, I feel totally unwelcome in my own home. If he is working, at least, I can be home during the day and "do my thing". *I* will be happier then.

THANKS a ton.

Emm


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My situation is nothing like yours as I am older, 50 and just married a few years ago.
also too........... I have worked full time since I was 16 years old.

I am just saying what I have seen in life........ people I've met and how they have done things, choices they made and why.
Your going to have to weigh your own choices.

I will tell you, lots of women who have been married a long time
are their own worst enemies and overly emotional. I have a relative
who was married over 20 years to a man, they had a beautful home, paid for and he had a pension, life ins, 401K...
she divorced him and they agreed to sell the house because she said she couldn't take it and him anymore, although she did for so long.... 
so instead of moving on with her life, and ignoring him... she divorced him. He died a few years later and she got no pension, no 401K, no money and lives in a trailer with her loser bf... the both of them together can't pay the bills.
If she would have been a little patient and moved on and got busy with something other than her husband... she now would be sitting pretty....
big nice house paid for, a pension coming in ( his)... his social security spousal benefits ( all together 2,000 a month)
plus his 401K and bank account money... reduced home taxes since she is now over 65....
but she just couldn't take her husband, so she made a choice and now she has to take a lot of other crap, which maybe worse.


Make your choices....
we all do, but be sure to think them out carefully.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

That was about 2000 a month from his pension, she would get half his ss too.... or about 3,000 a month total. Not to mention all the other things like 401K, life insurance.
Instead she lives on basically nothing as he died, leaving her nothing.
She gets only half his social security, about 1,000 a month... and rents a trailer, drives a bomb of a car.
Her ex's mercades was in both his and a womans name and she got it when he died.
He did that to spite her I think.

In that situation she could not even contest anything as she was an ex.
Too bad she could not have put up with him awhile more. 
Would have been worth it in her situation.

He died at age 57 or 58... she was about 10-12 years younger than him. 
Like I said, that is not my situation but I have watched people in life and in some situations all a woman has to do is learn to ignore things and build her own life, make friends and everything falls into place. Just be sure he has his smokes or whiskey 
and things will take care of themselves. Sounds kinda cold I know but life can be be cruel and even more cruel to act hastily upon emotions.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Emm said:


> Thank you so much for your reply. I am literally tortured by my situation!
> 
> 
> ""My advice: Why stay? Make an exit plans. Your life will be completely different once you get this deadbeat and deadheart out of your life""
> ...


Emm,

It perfectly normal to be scared! It is very scary to go into the unknown. However, in your circumstances that you've given us...the grass is greener!

Good on the money stashing. However, without him contributing that stash will go away. Another reason to leave.

*Rationalizations that you give:*
Rental house: Empty. Why not live there? You name is on the deed.

Vehicle: Are you still making payments on the vehicle? Nothing will be done as far as dividing property up until a divorce. More than likely you will each get to keep the vehicles that you have if you can afford the payments. 

Uprooted kids: Yea, it would be nice to stay. He won't leave though...he has no money! If you aren't obligated to pay the rent where you are now, then leave...let him figure out things.

Kids: Worry about how the present situation is affecting them. There mother is being verbally and emotionally abused.

Case against you: No case. You work to support the household. If any cases are to be made..it's yours (abuse). 

I was married at 19. I have been married for 24 years and now separated for 5 weeks. It is difficult but ok. My marriage wasn't abusive. You have undergone enough! Do this for your kids. They will seek relationships like they see.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I say just start feeding him bacon and eggs every morning, hot dogs, burgers... buy him some cigars, get cable and the sports package... to keep him busy.
Go out and do what you want to do in the way of a job or hobbies.
Fix up a spare room in the basement for him if you have a basement....
time will fly by when your enjoying life.

my way is much eaiser but it requires you can't take anything he says or does with any seriousness. learn to blow him off.

Who knows, maybe he'll come around one day.


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

THANKS Corpuswife. So much!!

The only people I have ever known who were married a long time then separated were having affairs or alcoholism.
In my case, everything seems very normal from the outside AND it is very difficult to prove it even from the inside!

I never thought I would be in this situation. 

I am going out of town the last half of this week on a mountain retreat. There, I will have time to think this through and make some decisions.

Nothing like altitude to clear your mind!!


Emm


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good idea for the retreat! Fresh air and time and space. 

Yep. Not too many long term marriages. Most folks think we will get back together (no affair/abuse/addiction). He was looking for the grass is greener and is no longer happy. He gave me the "I love you but no longer in love with you" phrase in Oct. Fun.

I want to save marriage. He didn't when we separated. Who know now. 

You can do this for you and your family. What benefit is it to stay in misery?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> What benefit is it to stay in misery?


Depends... there could be many benefits, just depends on the people involved.
Look at my situation. My husband was married about 20 years and all of a sudden his wife no longer wanted to be married.
She divorced him and now she has no retirement and will have to work all her life. 

In certain situations it could be worth the trouble. How hard is it to ignore someone? not very, more so if your busy with your own life.

A friend of mines father recently passed away... his wife wanted to leave him but since they were married 40 years, she just had him put on medication. He passed away after a short time and she gets to enjoy life now, travel, etc....
If she would have divorced him, she would have had to go back to work as she had no retirement either.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As far as I am concerned.....there are NO benefits to staying in misery when there is abuse, affairs or addictions! I am not talking about (1) affair or (1) out of control fight, etc. This is reoccuring misery that hasn't been remedied and there is no end in sight.

Sure, if you live like roomates stay in the marriage for financial benefits. 

When it is doing emotional or physical harm....think twice. You are doing no favors to you or your children. 

I'd rather work, until I die ,than having the crap beat out of me on a regular basis!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> As far as I am concerned.....there are NO benefits to staying in misery when there is abuse, affairs or addictions! I am not talking about (1) affair or (1) out of control fight, etc. This is reoccuring misery that hasn't been remedied and there is no end in sight.
> 
> Sure, if you live like roomates stay in the marriage for financial benefits.
> 
> ...



The thing about him beating you up
is he can go to jail for that and then guess what?
you have the house to yourself.

In some cases, could be worth him acting out. It would be a quick resolution to a lengthy and costly divorce 
Far as emotional harm....
that would only happen if the wife was weak.... and took him and what he threatened to heart.


I could tell you about all the happy widows I have met
who think otherwise. Guess the outcome depends on what the benifts will be and how good your position and strengths are.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

Emm said:


> HOW can I just throw away 23 years?!
> 
> That is MORE than HALF my life invested.


I'm sorry to say, but you have wasted that time, with him...now it's time to live and to be loved...........Get rid of him...You will feel better and the rest of yur life is what you have to look forward to...not the past!


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## Emm (Aug 24, 2009)

Back from my retreat!

It was good for me to go and collect my thoughts.

I know it sounds crazy, cause that is what I would call someone if they said what I am about to say.... 



I have decided to call a meeting with him and lay it out on the table exactly what I feel the problems are. I have a plan, an agenda, I even wrote it all out. It is a basic problem solving technique used in the business world with people who are having personality issues. IF he chooses not to listen or to refuse to agree to a plan that WE BOTH agree to, then the consequences will be that he has to leave. (I will leave if need be, but I dont want to tell him that)

There will be a timeline and definite goals to be met.

I want to give him one last chance. I know that a lot of his problems are most likely PTSD and Depression and want to give him the opportunity to DO something about that! 

Since I am not going to use this as an excuse nor am I going to let him use it as an excuse, the PLAN with consequences will go into effect.


This will be his LAST chance to redeem himself. Maybe he will see that he has to get off his horse and walk for a while!!


BTW,,,I just want to make it clear to CORPUSWIFE, he does not hit me , ever! Sometimes he scares the bejeebers out of me and he always says very mean things to me, but he NEVER hits me. Truthfully, Sometims I WISH he would. That would give me a socially acceptable reason to kick him out!

I have felt out many people around here, including family members, about what is considered abuse.... MOST say they do consider verbal and emotional to be abuse but not a reason for divorce or separation AND that it would go against all biblical reasons for divorce. BUT ALL of them say that hitting a wife is reason on ANY Account for divorce and/or separation.

I Think that mental and verbal is, in some ways, WORSE than physical!! it kills from the inside out...like a silent killer!

Emm...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I didn't get that he hit you from your posts. He is emotional and verbally abusive. That can be just as bad, especially if on a constant basis. 

He sounds cruel. You have an acceptable reason to kick him out as far as I am concerned. I know it's difficult and easy for me to say. 

If you do leave...you don't have to initiate a divorce if for bibilical reasons. Initiate the separation first and see how things change or not. I am using my separation as a hope for reconciliation. Not as a step toward divorce.

You and your kids need to be safe and in a healthy place.


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## Marriedfor23years (Sep 9, 2009)

What are you waiting for? Take your children and leave that situation today. You are allowing your children to be harmed by this situation. Move into the rental house. Hire an attorney. Then get get tough for your children. You have allowed this man to treat you like crap for far to long. You have only listed excuses as to why you stay. I can understand being frightened. BUT, I would think of what is best for my children. I would get mad and move on, with my children of course.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> Depends... there could be many benefits, just depends on the people involved.
> Look at my situation. My husband was married about 20 years and all of a sudden his wife no longer wanted to be married.
> She divorced him and now she has no retirement and will have to work all her life.
> 
> ...


So murder the old guy instead of going back to work?

Wow.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Maybe I can shed some light, kind of going through something similar but only have been married for 3 months.

My husband had a really hard time finding a job after he finished school...he ended up taking a labour job, but during his jobless time he slowly became depressed. It's a blow to a man's ego NOT to be the bread winner, be jobless and have your wife constantly remind you how you are being a failure by not having a job. Constantly bringing it up probably makes him feel like a bag of sh*t, even if you don't mean any harm.

He might also be looking for a whole new career path but doesn't know how to tell you. Let him know, yes the economy sucks, yes you love him and please show support, maybe even see if going back to school is something he would like to do.

More than likely, he is lashing out beacuse he is in a state of depression.

Try picking up the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (for yourself to read) and Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage (for both of you to read). It might be eye opening.


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