# Moving on and the pitfalls of trying to move on!



## dennisg1

Feeling like I'm regressing a bit since seeing pictures posted on social media of my ex-wife and AP with their new baby and it's hard not having feelings of sadness because it feels like that life was pulled right from under me. 

I feel I'm in a good place now; in great shape, eating healthy, traveling more, dating has been fun and meeting all different types of women, have great friends/family I hang out with, and overall I feel happy. However, it's hard not to feel some anger towards her seeing how much her life has changed and seemingly happier now. Even though my life hasn't been at a standstill; I just feel like she's so much further ahead of me now with her little happy family when I wanted to share a family of my own with her at one time. I know pictures can be deceiving and I know her life/relationship can't be perfect but my mind tells me otherwise when you see pictures like this.

I'm not a father but I think about how much stronger their bond/love must be now having gone through this whole pregnancy together. We were together for around 9 years total but in ways I feel like I missed out on sharing one of the most loving times with a spouse, and the fact that the AP got to experience this just fills me with mixed emotions.

Like I mentioned, dating has been fun but at the same time I haven't met anyone that makes me really want to be in a LTR with, and I definitely don't want to rush into one just for the sake of being with someone. But it does bother me that the guy she's with is the same AP guy that overlapped our marriage so she did get a huge head start on finding someone new. The dating process can be exhausting at times and I wonder if I'll ever meet "my person" ever, the person that solidifies that this was meant to be.

I know I need to keep reminding myself of the issues we had and how it would have never ended on good terms in the long run because of the resentment we both built up. And if we did have children we would have most likely ended up divorced anyway and having to co-parent. I can't just keep focusing on the good things we had and disregard all the negative things that got us to this point to begin with. In the end, maybe we just weren't meant to be together and as difficult as it is sounds maybe this AP and her are more compatible than we could ever be. I just wished the love she told me she will and always have for me would have made her handle this more appropriately but who knows what road lies ahead for them; it could be filled with the same pattern of rockiness. 

Just talking out loud but thanks for listening/responding!


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## farsidejunky

Romanticizing their relationship based on what you see from social media?

Few are as happy as they portray themselves on social media.

The more important question is why are you pain shopping?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## dennisg1

Yes, I agree; sometimes what you see portrayed on social media is not the most accurate representation of their actual life.

I'm still friends with some of her extended family/friends so just happen to come across a shared post; wasn't searching for her but hard to un-see after seeing.


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## BluesPower

dennisg1 said:


> Feeling like I'm regressing a bit since seeing pictures posted on social media of my ex-wife and AP with their new baby and it's hard not having feelings of sadness because it feels like that life was pulled right from under me.
> 
> I feel I'm in a good place now; in great shape, eating healthy, traveling more, dating has been fun and meeting all different types of women, have great friends/family I hang out with, and overall I feel happy. However, it's hard not to feel some anger towards her seeing how much her life has changed and seemingly happier now. Even though my life hasn't been at a standstill; I just feel like she's so much further ahead of me now with her little happy family when I wanted to share a family of my own with her at one time. I know pictures can be deceiving and I know her life/relationship can't be perfect but my mind tells me otherwise when you see pictures like this.
> 
> I'm not a father but I think about how much stronger their bond/love must be now having gone through this whole pregnancy together. We were together for around 9 years total but in ways I feel like I missed out on sharing one of the most loving times with a spouse, and the fact that the AP got to experience this just fills me with mixed emotions.
> 
> Like I mentioned, dating has been fun but at the same time I haven't met anyone that makes me really want to be in a LTR with, and I definitely don't want to rush into one just for the sake of being with someone. But it does bother me that the guy she's with is the same AP guy that overlapped our marriage so she did get a huge head start on finding someone new. The dating process can be exhausting at times and I wonder if I'll ever meet "my person" ever, the person that solidifies that this was meant to be.
> 
> I know I need to keep reminding myself of the issues we had and how it would have never ended on good terms in the long run because of the resentment we both built up. And if we did have children we would have most likely ended up divorced anyway and having to co-parent. I can't just keep focusing on the good things we had and disregard all the negative things that got us to this point to begin with. In the end, maybe we just weren't meant to be together and as difficult as it is sounds maybe this AP and her are more compatible than we could ever be. I just wished the love she told me she will and always have for me would have made her handle this more appropriately but who knows what road lies ahead for them; it could be filled with the same pattern of rockiness.
> 
> Just talking out loud but thanks for listening/responding!


This is simple math. 

She was screwing you over while married to you, so she got a head start. It really is that simple. 

She will cheat on him or he will cheat on her, it is just a matter of time. 

You are one of those guys that cannot let go, so you are behind her in your life and moving on to an extent. 

Once you find and loose a few more women, you will learn to love yourself and know that you are worthy of love and you will start to get it...

You are not there yet but I think you will be soon. 

And guess what, when you finally get there you will wonder why you were ever such a dumb ass as to ever pine and obsess over your POS ex.

But you will get there in time...


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## dennisg1

BluesPower said:


> This is simple math.
> 
> She was screwing you over while married to you, so she got a head start. It really is that simple.
> 
> She will cheat on him or he will cheat on her, it is just a matter of time.
> 
> You are one of those guys that cannot let go, so you are behind her in your life and moving on to an extent.
> 
> Once you find and loose a few more women, you will learn to love yourself and know that you are worthy of love and you will start to get it...
> 
> You are not there yet but I think you will be soon.
> 
> And guess what, when you finally get there you will wonder why you were ever such a dumb ass as to ever pine and obsess over your POS ex.
> 
> But you will get there in time...


Thank you, needed to hear this and will re-read this if I feel like this again! 

I felt I was in a pretty good place before I saw this post/picture; been dating and the excitement of going out with different women and having it be something new each time is always fun. Just need to forget about her again and focus back on my happiness and well-being! And one day finding someone who will make me say, "what the hell was I thinking/pining so much about this selfish cold-hearted b*tch!" Lol.


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## dubsey

Put a picture or two of you out on the town with one of your ladies.

Then realize, she'll see this at 2am after she can't fall back asleep after feeding the baby and cleaning up spit up off her. She'll be looking at it, feeling gross, still with baby weight, and thinking "I love this kid, but..."


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## Deejo

Feel what you feel, man. Just dont wrap it around yourself like a blanket and take a nap in it.

Nobody excises a LTR or marriage from their psyche, just because the ink is dry on the divorce papers.

I personally think looking back and evaluating can be very healthy. 

It's very easy for me now, to see a circumstance in my marriage now, and contrast it with how differently I may have viewed or responded to the same in my first.

That's learning ... and it's all good.

My ex remarried a few weeks back. I can genuinely say that I am happy for her.

As for kids? Far better to have gotten out of an unsuitable relationship prior to kids, than having to drag them into a potential emotional quagmire.

Again, on the plus side my ex and I fostered a great co-parenting relationship despite mom and dad living separately. 

Sound off all you want. Can tell by reading your posts ... you're good.

If that changes, we'll let you know.


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## MovingForward

I understand how you entirely. I thought somewhat the same way when my X cheated and left me for another guy, i was alone and she had this great life and was going out to all sorts of fancy places and on a constant party while I was depressed. 

You shouldn't be looking at her social media, I cut my X off entirely and once you do this your world will get better, also you are probably a little lonely and miss being in a LTR so want that again but like you say you have not found it yet.

My advice would be to block X everywhere and forget she exists, continue dating and meeting people but do not take it too serious, I was not even looking to get in a LTR and have been in one for close to 2 years now, we just met, dated casually and saw more and more of each other until she finally asked me if we were officially 'dating' now.

It takes a long time to get over stuff like this so do not be disheartened you seem to have every other area of your life covered so just focus on you and your life and happiness and forget about how happy/unhappy the X is.


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## Affaircare

@dennisg1, 

I have to reiterate what @BluesPower said: essentially your Ex is ahead of you because she started moving on while still in the marriage. She knew how she felt and what she thought, and in her heart of hearts she was already moving on. Meanwhile, you still felt married and thought married, and in YOUR heart of hearts you were married. Was it perfect? Nope--no marriage is! But you weren't in the mindframe of "moving on" and she was. 

Thus, she has a jump on you of a couple months...maybe a year. She had time to adjust to it and get past it when you didn't even know about it. 

And, don't romanticize sharing a pregnancy either. Yes, some couples are brought closer and unite over the birth of their child, but a lot more couples than would care to admit it find that the trials of pregnancy tear down intimacy--not build it. There's daily puking. There's sheer exhaustion. There's weight gain. There's doctor appointments. There's sensitivity. There's irritability. There's hormone craziness. There's lack of balance and awkwardness. There's demands and pressure. There's worry. There's aches and pains. There's 'mommy-ness' rather than 'sexy-ness'. There's leakage all over! I mean...it's not pretty! And that's all before the actual birth.


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## Marc878

dennisg1 said:


> Yes, I agree; sometimes what you see portrayed on social media is not the most accurate representation of their actual life.
> 
> *I'm still friends with some of her extended family/friends so just happen to come across a shared post; wasn't searching for her but hard to un-see after seeing.*


Block them. It's a form of contact you don't need.


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## dennisg1

Thank you for all the replies, it's very helpful to read! 

Like mentioned here, I need to do block any and all aspects of that former life and pretend it never existed. I think about her, our relationship, etc. less and less when things don't remind me of her; so this is probably the best way to keep on the right "moving on" path.

I can't wait for the day I can come back to this post and let everyone know what an amazing woman I met with LTR potential that makes me happy I'm not with my ex-wife anymore! Until then, I guess it's back to the shallow dating pool! Haha!


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## Marc878

Block everyone associated with her, family, friends, etc. unfortunately it's a must do in these situations in order for you to fully let go and move on.


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## sunsetmist

Block, but do not pretend former life never existed. Do try to forget anything 'couple' related--that life is dead.

Never compare yourself with someone else--this is futile! You are you; your life is your life! There will be some better off and some less well off--depending on the time and then all will change.

Set goals for your new life and work toward them. Do new things you have always wanted to do--hiking, cooking classes, music, art, sports, travel. When your life intersects with hers, grin like a fool because you know life is now better.

Remember this is not a competition with her, but a renewal of your mind, body, and spirit!


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## Alpinglow

I'm in a very similar situation. Been divorced for 3 years and my ex is now happily shacked up with the guy she had an affair with and destroyed our marriage for. The only difference is that I have two kids and I get to watch them all hang out like some sick, pseudo family. Not sure who's got it worse my friend. She also, blamed everything on me in the divorce process and went after every penny she could get...even airline miles and hotel points. 

All that being said, I've realized a few things over the last three years. First, life is too short to hold grudges and lament over things that you have no control over. You only walk this earth once and you need to make it count....no matter how many pitfalls you experience along the way. All you can do is be the best person you can be and let others judge you as such. The second thing is, that if I look back at my marriage with three years of hindsight I see a lot of areas where it just wasn't delivering. When viewed within that light, divorce feels like a second chance, and that second chances are exciting. Since my divorce, I've done a lot of things I've always wanted to but just weren't realistic in married life. I bought an old Jeep and fixed it up like new. It now sits in her old garage bay. I take my kids on "adventure" vacations every spring and we explore the National Parks. I ski every weekend in the winter when I don't have my kids. 

The point is that, when you start looking forward instead of back, there are a lot of things that become really exciting. Sure, there's always a tinge of pain when you see them together, or you see your kids hanging out with the guy that wrecked your marriage...but what can you do? It fades over time. 

All that being said, I am completely on board with you with the dating stuff. I have been doing the online dating thing since my divorce and have dated A LOT of people. At first it was just fun, but at some point I really started looking for someone who would stick. I've had a few shorter term relationships (4-6 months) but I never seem to be able to really engage.....always feels like there is something missing. Not to sound vain, but I look pretty good for my age and take good care of myself. I do well at work and feel like I'm a pretty good catch. I'm looking for someone amazing...and I just don't think online dating is going to produce that. Would be interested to hear from others if their experience has been the same.


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## dennisg1

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah, I hear you; I don't know if I would be able to handle co-parenting if we had kids. But like you said, there isn't much you can do at this point so looking ahead is the best route.

Yeah, I feel I'm reaching that same point with dating. The online dating has been fun but haven't really been able to find anyone of substance. There are pros/cons to everyone I've gone out with but no one that really knocks my socks off. Like you, I feel like I'm a pretty good catch and not that I'm being picky, but some of these women I've gone out with are just not normal and would not mesh well in my world. Not that I would ever take my ex back but I do miss how well we clicked together, and I guess I'm trying to find a similar type of chemistry again with someone new. Maybe online dating isn't where I'll find it, and I just need to focus on activities that I enjoy doing and maybe I'll happen to run into someone that is more grounded and compatible with me because these online dating algorithms don't seem to be doing a great job. Haha.


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## Marc878

Look, you know more now and are wiser so your perceptions are keener. There's always one for you out there. May take awhile to find her but it never pays to settle. 

The other thing is there is no perfect mate. There's always good with the bad. You've got em too.


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## Alpinglow

Yea, I really don't understand it. You'd think if nothing else that you'd luck into someone with the sheer volume you can meet via online dating. But, like you, I just can't seem to find someone that really blows me away. Makes me wonder if I'm even able to be blown away anymore by a woman, but I think its just the online medium. 

I'm looking at doing some more face to face interaction stuff too. The problem is that I'm in Rhode island and there just isn't much going on here. Also, not sure how I'll swing it with my crazy schedule, but I clearly need to build a network and leverage it to meet people. 

I think I kind of substituted online dating for a social life and that leaves a lot to be desired. Its easy to get caught up in it. Time to change the game.


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## Marc878

Alpinglow said:


> Yea, I really don't understand it. You'd think if nothing else that you'd luck into someone with the sheer volume you can meet via online dating. But, like you, I just can't seem to find someone that really blows me away. Makes me wonder if I'm even able to be blown away anymore by a woman, but I think its just the online medium.
> 
> I'm looking at doing some more face to face interaction stuff too. *The problem is that I'm in Rhode island and there just isn't much going on here.* Also, not sure how I'll swing it with my crazy schedule, but I clearly need to build a network and leverage it to meet people.
> 
> I think I kind of substituted online dating for a social life and that leaves a lot to be desired. Its easy to get caught up in it. Time to change the game.


Yep I lived in that area. You may have to import. >


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## sokillme

@dennisg1 if you make this women or just the memory of this women the path to your happiness you are going to always be sad. It's a lie anyway that you are telling yourself. Just keep moving towards your goal but get off the path of this women.

There are happy times and sad times in everyone's life. Don't get stuck in the fear that any of this will last forever. Nothing good or bad last forever. Things in life end, it's a part of life.


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## dennisg1

Thank you for all the replies, they're helpful to read and re-read!
@sokillme What you wrote reminds me of an article I remember reading that some woman wrote about how people forget everything in life is "temporary" or just "moments in time". She went to talk about how her childhood sweetheart that she married ended up passing away but it wasn't the end of her love life. She went on to say that she fell in love again with her second husband and she did love him but it just was different type of love than her fist husband. And when that ended, she met someone else and so on; so everybody sometimes forget how "temporary" everything is and the first person you marry might not be the last person you love.

I see exactly what you and her are saying, the part that's difficult for me is just the memories we shared with friends/family. I see my friends who are still married with their wives, and I'm happy for them, but I miss that they still have a long trail of everything they've done together from vacations, engagement, wedding, etc. We all kind of met our SO's around the same time so we shared a lot of good times together and since this was all our 1st marriages they were big/involved.

I feel like I went all in, especially the proposal/engagement/marriage, because of the love we had and life we wanted to build. Now I'm at the point, when I even think of proposing or marriage it makes a knot in my stomach. Not that I will never get married again but just the thought of a big to do again just is off putting or maybe I just haven't met someone yet that I would want to go down this path again. If I ever get married again, I would want something very small but if the woman I'm with has never been married; I'm sure she would want to experience something bigger which I'm not up far at this current moment.


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## sokillme

dennisg1 said:


> Thank you for all the replies, they're helpful to read and re-read!
> 
> @sokillme What you wrote reminds me of an article I remember reading that some woman wrote about how people forget everything in life is "temporary" or just "moments in time". She went to talk about how her childhood sweetheart that she married ended up passing away but it wasn't the end of her love life. She went on to say that she fell in love again with her second husband and she did love him but it just was different type of love than her fist husband. And when that ended, she met someone else and so on; so everybody sometimes forget how "temporary" everything is and the first person you marry might not be the last person you love.
> 
> I see exactly what you and her are saying, the part that's difficult for me is just the memories we shared with friends/family. I see my friends who are still married with their wives, and I'm happy for them, but I miss that they still have a long trail of everything they've done together from vacations, engagement, wedding, etc. We all kind of met our SO's around the same time so we shared a lot of good times together and since this was all our 1st marriages they were big/involved.
> 
> I feel like I went all in, especially the proposal/engagement/marriage, because of the love we had and life we wanted to build. Now I'm at the point, when I even think of proposing or marriage it makes a knot in my stomach. Not that I will never get married again but just the thought of a big to do again just is off putting or maybe I just haven't met someone yet that I would want to go down this path again. If I ever get married again, I would want something very small but if the woman I'm with has never been married; I'm sure she would want to experience something bigger which I'm not up far at this current moment.


And in most of that you sound like you are telling yourself this is where you will be for the rest of it. Your life is not over dude. There is the distinct possibility that you haven't gotten to the best part of it yet. Have some patience and courage to have hope. Go find stuff you love and do it, make a life for yourself that is not all about relationships and I bet the relationship will come. 

To everything there is a season.


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## Betrayedone

Just remember.....When you are looking, you will seldom find.....Go about your life and let someone find you when your back is turned......Trust me on this......


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