# When the BS tries to rug sweep?



## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Hi. 

Ive posted here and there. It's time to come out of the dark. Id like to share a bit of my story. 

I come from a rocky home that was in the public light here and there.... My home life wasnt pretty. My father cheated on my mom. My mother had RAs on my dad. One day When I was 19 my mom left my father and my 9 yo brother alone.. I quite college and went back to care for my brother. My father was neglectful, very neglectful. My mom just Ran off with a younger guy. didn't hear from her for 9 years. My father left when 6 months later and handed me $80 dollars to care for my brother and then left the country. Ha vent seen him since Gawd decades (only time he contacts me is to get money).

I went through a dark period of my life when I went through relationships like they were sand in a hourglass. Some for months.. some for years. Cheated you name it..... When I met my wife that all stopped. In-fact I took a year sabbatical from relationships right before meeting her. We married after 3 months. 

During this time I worked my way off the streets for my brother and I. I was making 6+ figures by the time 2k rolled around. Money became my validation. After marrying my wife I thought it was going to go great it didnt... She became cruel, distant, and even strange. 3 years into our marriage I grew sick with an autoimmune disease. I spent the following 9 years in a wheelchair. 

During that time. Our marriage shifted. She had a few EA's. She was working.. She was this.. She was that. She looked down on me.. IT was horrible. One day I got tired of it. I challenged her, said i was wasn't going to take any crap... and I didn't. In-fact I started an ea on the side... It was strange cause i know I was using the girl to fill a void in me and I didn't care about the girl..I mean I cared but I didn't care. I told my wife about it and asked her how she felt. She was devastated. So after that we stopped. I stopped. There was a power-shift in my hands, sort of.

Fast forward 2 years. I started to see the shift again. She grew mean again. I tried to nice her back... but it didn't work. She grew meaner. I figured out waht was going on... and then.....more later

I got out of my wheelchair. My condition went into remission. I took control of my life. I wouldn't take it.. Instead of just calling her out on it and getting us int MC. I decided to just ignore it. I grew to close to someone in our life. Too close. I started sharing my pains and dreams and such. This new girl not really my type. Pretty, but kind of ignorant, unrefined and sort of crass. She was married. I cheated in every way possible. I mean it was bad. Very bad. I was bad. 

For three years I was there. Helping this girl. Putting my family on hold. I was in the fog. Deep in the fog. No excuses. I was there. Then I grew tired of it. I wanted out. I was wrong. Guilty terrible. Recognized my immaturity, lack of boundaries *this girl took advantage of those boundaries. recognized this was some childish insecurities that i wasn't dealing with, and needed to stop tryng to fill my ego. Anyways I stopped. Distanced myself. Fasted. Prayed. 

My wife asked me if I had a PA. I said yes. No lies. Told her everything. I mean everything. I didn't hold back. Checked myself into Ic. Started working on how to be a better person. What blew me away was.. the day my IC guy told me it was a classic exit affair, I came home and my wife with pure remorse and love said she was sorry and wanted us to have another chance. I was blown away. 

We started working on things. Communicating etc... Last week for example She said she felt like I ignore her and her needs.. I think about it long and hard and tell her I don't want her to feel that way, so I will work on tangible methods towards working on showing that I do care about her needs. I call her out on something that I am dealing with she gets quite and listens and starts to work on the issues with me.......

Here is the thing. I tell her sorry for the PA. I tell her I am very hurt that I my actions and lack of thoughtfulness has affected her in a terrible way... She wants to sweep it away. Not to talk about it. She says she understands that She did things to but doesn't want to talk about my mistake and how it effected her. I can see she gets biter when the OW surfaces in our circles, but she says she is fine, she just wants to forget that chapter in our lives and build new ones, and I am doing very good and she is doing better. Is this normal?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I don't think the rugsweeping is going to be healthy for your M going forward.....everything about BOTH of your infidelities needs to be out in the open.

You say you confessed everything about your past EA and PA to your W.....are you positive that she has done the same?

It is possible (not certain) that the reason your W wants to sweep all the infidelity into the past and only focus on the future is that she doesn't want to admit to you the extent of all her betrayals.....especially if she is afraid you would want to leave again.

Even if this isn't the case, just sweeping this under the rug is going to prevent you from ever truly healing IMO.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

This has been in the back of my mind. I have given her a free pass on coming clean with all that was wrong. I wouldn't judge her ya know? I love her. I can see where she fears that I might leave would affect her willingness to be honest. I cant force her to do anything she doesn't want to. I mean she seems to be very open about everything... She gets mean when she doesn't or tries to lie or hide things.... I prompt the questions.. I start with my own issues and then with vulnerability ask her what she needs.. She just says she wants to move on.. Any ideas on how to encourage her to be more open? When she is bothered about OW in the immediate moment she will cry and share. Then snap. She wants to move on and not talk about it.... I want her to heal. I want to help her anyway she wants to ....but more can I do? Except show her that I am going to keep my word? 

We seem to be 150% better now than every before..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is she rug sweeping? Or has she reached a resolution?

Or does she think if she keeps quiet about your PA you won't find out about hers? 

You need couple's counselling.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is she rug sweeping? Or has she reached a resolution?


Explain?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She had EAs. You had EA and PA. Kind of cancels each other out. The BS has option to rug sweep, but since she has had EAs she does not feel the need to examine your affairs to death. She understands. She gets it. 

She is suggesting a clean slate. If you want same, go do it. Start fresh and fill each other's needs. 

Sorry OP, but I don't see your problem. Let her take the lead on this since your affairs are the more recent. She have a path forward that just really might work for you two. 

Good luck.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

Rug sweeping will not work. My BS and now we are in D.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She may have been cheating like you.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> She had EAs. You had EA and PA. Kind of cancels each other out. The BS has option to rug sweep, but since she has had EAs she does not feel the need to examine your affairs to death. She understands. She gets it.
> 
> She is suggesting a clean slate. If you want same, go do it. Start fresh and fill each other's needs.
> 
> ...


 I agree. I don't think that she had a PA though. She couldn't hold it in. Even if she did I am not sure it would matter to me.... I am more worried about her mental health. Even the EAs she couldn't hold it in. I am just worried that she will stress herself out trying to clean slate that is all lol. Weird everyone here is worried about the Bs ww and thier hangups. I find myself in the opposite place.. I am worried about her hangups. I just want to do it right this time. She means so much to me. Tonight she came in after work and plopped down in my arms. Smiled and said "I love you, thank you for putting up with me" Sigh. All because I said ive been in deep thoughts about meeting her needs. >< 

What is a mad hatter?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Imnobodynew said:


> Explain?


She bight have reached a resolution in her own mind.

She believes that he will not cheat again and is happy with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How is your brother doing?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I see a lot of cheating in your Marriage my friend.

It is nice that you told her all about your Affair but what about hers? You said she was having a mutiple EAs and possibly PAs but she never come clean about them.

When she feels down she blames you.

I dont know how you can make this Marriage work after all lies and cheating,maybe some Marriage Counseling could help and talking/writing about Affairs.

Stay strong.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She seems willing to Reconcile and so do you. The is no longer a grudge match.

If you still love each other after all this bumpy, hot and cold then steamy STATIC, go for it.

Forget and forgive....call it openness and transparency...or call it a familial Glasnost Perestroika....a joining of formerly [warring/competing forces] for good.

Drop the Semantics of Your Post's subject..... pick up and embrace the possible [and yearned-for] hope for a better future. Both of you had a [soap opera] adventure in a zig/zag pleasure/pain Wonderland that is now in your rear view mirror. Keep the fog in the lowland recesses of your mind, in the bays of remote mental inlets. Shut out the why's and energize the new beginning.

While there's life, there's hope--->Cicero


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