# my story



## All-by-myself (Aug 19, 2014)

I’ve been reading stories here for a while wondering if I could get some of the wonderful advice that I have read and others have received. Here is my story, sorry it’s so long. I am 56 years old, married to my childhood sweetheart; we have one child who is 36 and one grandchild who is 13. They live in a suite in our house due to our daughter having serious health issues. They moved in with us 7 years ago when our daughter’s marriage broke up. 

I was bullied mercilessly by my siblings throughout my entire childhood and I left home as soon as I could to escape it. Every time we get together it is bad so I’ve tried to limit our time together. I have strained relationships with both of my siblings and both parents now. I’ve worked since I was 14 and all through my married life. I have experienced bullying in most of my jobs and jokingly call myself a ‘bully magnet’. It really isn’t a joke.
I had been suicidal in the past with a few attempts; one in particular was almost successful. Recovering from that attempt was difficult as I felt I couldn’t even kill myself right. I chose life however and have tried to come to grips with my past, not too successfully. I have a best friend since grade 4 but recent events have turned us away from each other. I do have a few friends but don’t really open up to them, keep to myself mostly. Seems that everyone I ever cared about has thrown me away, except the ‘best friend’ and my husband. 

My relationship with my husband was rocky at first but we grew to have a great love for one another I felt. My husband has a difficult time communicating but tries hard. Early in our lives together there was a time when the best friend spent the night at our place and I went to work in the morning. After she left I was cleaning house and when I changed our bed I found her nightshirt in it. At the time I was shocked and dismayed. I thought there was only one way that could have happened but I reasoned these were the two people I loved most in the entire world. I didn’t think she intended to take him away from me, that maybe she just wanted a taste so I didn’t say anything to either of them and just put it out of my mind. Since then we have been involved in each other’s lives, stood for each other at our weddings, went on vacations together, etc. 

Fast forward 30 some years and we are living in a new city. I had a seasonal job for years but grew tired of living out of a suitcase for half the year so I went to college and improved my qualifications. I won a regular job with the employer I’d been with seasonally for 15 years. I’d had a breakdown the last days of my seasonal role and my doctor had diagnosed me with complex post traumatic stress disorder due to bullying. I had some counselling and changed jobs to get away from the bullies. Funny that when a person is bullied if you try to fight back for your rights, you are the one who is out of line, lol. The position wasn’t in my field but the employer didn’t hire regular employees unless they had some kind of post secondary education.
A year later I was accepted for a temp assignment in my field. I enjoyed this immensely, was a great fit for me and I was never bullied in this role. A permanent job came up but I had to relocate to accept the job. I didn’t want to move at first but my husband convinced me to. I was in the new city living in a hotel for over a year alone, he visited me often and as soon as he could he took early retirement, sold our house and moved here with me. 

We asked our daughter if she wanted to relocate as well and she did so we looked for a home that would fit us all. We had moved from an area with cheaper housing to an area that is way more expensive, about two times the cost so in order to get a home with a suite for the kids my husband had to get a job. It was not easy for him, older worker and all and he did find a job but it is straight night shift. So we bought a house and settled into our new home and city.

I should mention that our love life had started to decline about 10 years ago, coincidentally after we were married. We lived common law for 26 years and have been married for 10 years. I kind of joked that I had found a food that reduces a man’s sex drive, it’s called wedding cake but it really did disturb me. He had his testosterone checked and it was ok. He had other tests and except that he is carrying a bit too much weight he is generally healthy. He said he just didn’t feel any desire. I felt that he wasn’t into me as much as I had gained weight as well and as long as I have known him he has been disgusted with and not attracted to overweight women. After a while I stopped initiating things as I didn’t want to pressure him and it was hard to accept the rejections. I totally regret that decision.

So things had been going sort of ok, getting used to our new city and jobs and trying to find time together. He is sleeping when I get up to go to work and he picks me up every day at lunch time, we go home for lunch except for Fridays when we go out to lunch at a cafe close to my workplace. We have about an hour from when I get off work and he has to go to work so we hired our daughter to make us dinner on weeknights. I am usually sleeping when he gets home after work. He doesn’t really like his job, is a necessary evil I guess. There are many characters he works with and some are not very good employees. My husband has a very good work ethic and it bothers him when folk steal time from their employers. There is a woman he works with that he speaks highly of, she has a good worker and she is one of his best friends at work, they have fun and joke around lots. 

I found out last October that they go for coffee every shift and lunch 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it is one or more of the crew and sometimes it is just them alone. They also text each other 5-10 times a week. This is not excessive, I know, except I didn’t know anything about it and I hadn’t met her. I was concerned that since we had a lack of intimacy in our lives that he may be looking outside our relationship for it. I didn’t say much to him at the time except I didn’t think it was right for him to go to lunch and coffee, they go the local Timmies, alone with her but his response was that sometimes she is the only one that wants to go so he wasn’t going to stop. Besides he said, there was nothing going on between them. I begged to differ as I felt there was, they were Facebook friends, liked and commented on each other’s posts, they texted, etc. I really thought there was something going on between them and when I told him why I thought that he said he could understand why I might think that way, but she was not his type and I had nothing to worry about. He said she confided in him that her husband said he didn’t love her anymore and that her marriage is on the rocks. To me that says she is good to go! She asks his advice about issues she was having with her daughter, etc. What I decided to do at the time was to work on our marriage issues by re-introducing intimacy. He responded to my great relief. Then I sent her a friend request on Facebook, which she accepted right away, and I started inviting myself to their lunches. I upgraded to an iPhone and learned to text so we can keep in touch when he is at work. If he needs a best friend I want it to be me! When I finally met her it was like wow, she is gorgeous and fit and the way she looks at my husband and the way he looks at her scares me.

I went to my doctor because I was experiencing increasing extreme anxiety but I didn’t want to take medication so I joined a program for PTSD called bounce back. It is helping a bit, I am trying to reduce my anxiety. Meanwhile last May there was an issue with the scheduling at their workplace that she felt he should have alerted her to and he felt she could have just looked on the schedule and they had a huge falling out. She blocked both of us on Facebook and became very cold to him at work. He was quite distraught at first then angry. I was pretty happy about it because she no longer texted him all the time and she didn’t show up for lunch any more. He said she still comes for coffee and sits right beside him, can’t figure that out. He doesn’t go out alone with her anymore as far as I know. 
I think they were having an emotional affair, although my husband totally denies that, and that some day they will reconcile and end up closer than before. When I was so worried about this I called my ‘best friend’ and asked her if he was easy to seduce. She was shocked and denied she’d had relations with him. She said she couldn’t explain about the nightshirt but that she did not have sex with him, and I believe her. I also asked him and he said he was a drunk back them but thought if that had happened he would have remembered. I do believe them and am freaked out that I believed this for so long, actually I didn’t even think about it until all this started happening. 

Meanwhile I have tried to keep up the intimacy. I leave him love quotes on his keyboard every night and I text him as much as I can. I have been losing weight and trying to get fitter, unfortunately I have had some health issues lately. I get extremely anxious if she texts him, I unfortunately check phone records, but don’t see texts as he deletes his texts daily. I told him that seems suspicious but he said it is like the conversation is over so clean up is in order. He feels I don’t trust him and that may be true, I don’t know how to get that trust back since he didn’t tell me and doesn’t tell me when she texts him now which is rare because of their falling out. I am having trust issues. Also quite a few years ago I fell into an ea with a co-worker, it is so subtle you don’t even know it is happening. Thankfully I recognized I was getting too close with this individual and put a stop to it. I know how dangerous it can be to a marriage. He is mad at me again because she texted him a few times yesterdays and when I asked him he denied it but then I said I’d checked the phone records, haven’t don’t that for a while but I seem to have a radar when there is contact. I’m probably projecting my personal issues on him but I can’t seem to stop.

You probably think I am a flake, I sure feel like one but if you have any advice I would sure love to hear it.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

what do you want to ask..? are you asking if they are having an affair?


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## All-by-myself (Aug 19, 2014)

Thanks finding-a-path. No, I'm not asking that. They are the only ones that really know what was going on. I guess my question is what can I do to have better communications with my husband? 

She seems to be a real sore spot with him. I think he was starting to have feelings for her and this falling out has affected him deeply. However, I have severe anxiety and start off talking calm and reasonable but then I get in a mode where I just can't hear him. I try not to bring her up in conversation but I don't really understand the situation so I ask questions. 

I am curious, no one has ever blocked me on Facebook before, or just dumped me as a friend like that and I`d thought we had developed at least the start of a friendship. I guess we are a package deal so if he goes so do I, lol.

I've been trying to bring myself down from the anxiety but then it all rushes back. I don't think it is all due to this situation, more my past trauma that I haven't been able to deal with properly. I feel like I`m just hyper vigilant all the time. It is exhausting, probably for both of us. I’m thinking writing all this down is probably good therapy for me.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am reading your posts ABM, Welcome to TAM

It is a truly heartbreaking story.

I am not sure what kind of support to offer.

I am sure you are a more worthwhile person than you believe, I can tell from your story that you are.

I hope you find some healing help here.

Take care!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you need to first find out what's really going on. 

Does he have his iPhone password protected? I believe that there is a way to download even deleted text messages.

I doubt that he's deleting them because the conversation is over. He does not want you to see them because they would upset you.

The very fact that your husband is not honoring you request that he ends this friendship a huge red flag for at least an emotional affair.

This woman is married, right? If you verify that they are having either on EA or a PA, then I think you need to tell her husband. Doing this is the quickest way to end an affair.

There is a book that I think you'd benefit from, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Another one is "Not Just Friends" by Glass


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## All-by-myself (Aug 19, 2014)

Thanks for the welcome Decorum, what a nice thing to say. You are a very kind person. 

Hi Elegirl, thanks for your advice. Yes, he has a password on his phone but we share all our passwords, computer, facebook, etc. To recover deleted texts I would have to install software on his phone or computer, I don’t want to do that. He deletes all his threads every day; he may be a bit OCD. He likes everything to be organised and neat. This means each thread overwrites the previously deleted ones so wouldn’t recover much anyway. 

When I became aware they were texting I asked him if I could see the texts because it may help me to be less jealous. It was just all unknown then I hadn’t even met her yet. He showed me that days thread of texts, said it was all work related, but I didn’t get that impression when I read them. It was more of Where are you? I had to walk to Timmies by myself… stuff like that. So you are probably right, he doesn’t want to upset me.

They are not friends right now, she is still very angry with him. I think she sits beside him at coffee just to let him know what he has thrown away, ie. her friendship. He works directly with her, side by side so to speak and he said it is not the same, in fact quite awkward now where they used to joke and have fun. When I was so jealous and maxed out with anxiety he actually cried and said he would quit the job if that would help. Financially, it would be tough but doable; I may yet ask him to do that. He said that he is no longer interested in her at all, thinks she is immature and she knows everything, you can’t tell her anything. Apparently she is well known at work for being vindictive if you cross her. He was warned by several of his coworkers. 

Yes she is married, it is her second marriage and they have two children. It was her 40th birthday this spring and she complained to my husband that she’d found charges on their credit card for a hotel and when my husband said maybe he is planning a surprise for your birthday she got all huffy and said all you guys all stick together, eh? Turned out he did rent a hall for a surprise party for her. I haven’t met her husband and neither has my husband, but if I find out they are messing around I contact him. 

Thanks for the book suggestions, will definitely look into them. 
I’m feeling better already!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So she was telling your husband about her marriage problems. People who cheat do this, they re-write marital history and use the sad tails as a way to build a relationship with their intended affair partner. 

If she really cared about her marriage, she'd be working on it or leave her husband if he would not work to improve it.

I hope she stays away from your husband. 

What a low life.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Don't let yourself be bullied by what's happening now! I am not sure I have all the details, but it boils down to this: You're married. You have every reason to expect that YOU are your husband's #1 priority. If he is not making you that important in his life, then he's not being a good husband and you should not accept that treatment by "trying to communicate better." Instead, you should be REQUIRING him to treat you more courteously, honestly, and kindly than any other woman! This includes telling you the truth.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you are doing very well in your situation. I have suffered anxiety issues myself to some extent and I'm looking at lifestyle changes (diet and exercise mainly) to help. There are so many things out there to help a person with this sort of problem like meditation, yoga, tapping etc.

As for your husband, maybe it's best if you ask him if he could look for another job. It's causing you stress, it's causing him stress, it's just not worth it. One day she'll probably turn around and change her attitude towards him and you'll be back at square one. When life's circumstances are causing you stress, changing those circumstances just makes sense.

I loved the book, "Getting the Love you Want" when I was feeling stressed about my marriage. I suggest it to everyone but for those who really want to build a strong relationship with their spouse, it's great.


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## All-by-myself (Aug 19, 2014)

I think you are right EleGirl, sad that cheaters can be so manipulative. My husband is actually quite naive about women. He doesn’t get the manipulative part. I’ve had to rescue him from manipulative people on a few occasions, not just women; this was a long time ago. When she told him all the stuff about her marriage he said he just listened to her, didn’t offer advice, just listened. She had transferred to a day shift job for about 6 months to try and solve her marriage problems, but it didn’t solve them so she went back to the night shift last September. Apparently, she even visited them a few times last summer, going for lunch with the crew. I found this out on her Facebook. She said the day job was lonely and she missed everyone. Maybe she is trying to get her hubby jealous to see if he will fight for her… just speculating. Maybe she doesn’t care about her marriage at all. Maybe her hubby got upset with all the texting and told her to drop him, still speculating. Since I don’t know what is really happening my imagination runs wild. I hope she stays away from him too.

Wow, KathyBatesel! If I were that strong! LOL! You are totally right! Thank you so much!

Thanks breeze, I have been working on the anxiety but sometimes it sneaks up on me and I’m in a full blown anxiety cycle before I even know what happened. Got to keep working on that. I worry so much that they will reconcile, and get closer. But maybe this ties in with her marriage problems, maybe this is how she is working on her marriage, again just speculating. If she really wanted my husband and he wanted her, I’d be no competition, old and ugly vs. young and beautiful, simple math actually. Ugh, I have such bad self talk. It’s been drilled into me my whole life how worthless I am regarded. I try not to believe it, I do think I have a lot to offer. 

He has been looking for another job, has applied at many places. It seems here you need an insider to vouch for you, without that they don’t even look at your resume. We are still looking for other work! I’ve been applying for other jobs too, that pay better. Even though I followed this job here, it is not that great of pay. We are old though, in our late 50’s, not as easy as when we were younger.

I actually think I have "Getting the Love you Want". It’s still packed away in the book boxes, going to look for it, thanks for the reminder. 

You all have been awesome, thanks so much!
:smthumbup:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

All-by-myself said:


> Wow, KathyBatesel! If I were that strong! LOL! You are totally right! Thank you so much!


You *are* that strong! You have already survived so much that your strength is not in question here. In fact, I bet you would even acknowledge that you'd have all the strength a person could need if your child was threatened, right? You simply need a strong reason.

And you, friend, are a good reason to remain strong and stand up for yourself. If YOU won't do it, who will?


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