# i gave him my ultimatum today



## TakeTheLeap (Jul 19, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years and dated nearly 5 before we got married. We have an almost 2-year-old child. My husband has suffered off and on with bouts of depression and anxiety. He's been given medications in the past but would stop taking them due to side effects or pride.

For about the last 10 months, he's been lashing out more and more over what should be very minor things. For example, if our toddler takes a VHS tape off the shelf. He'll blow up, make a huge dramatic gesture, then blame me for everything. He'll even make our child cry to make me feel bad when he gets like that.

Last Saturday I took our child and went to my parents' house. I've been saying for months that I can't take it anymore, and now I've reached the point where I *won't* take it anymore.

So today we sat down together for the first time since I left and talked. I told him that I will not come home unless he gets help, either therapy or medication. His immediate reaction is that he won't do it, but I expected this to be his immediate reaction and am still hopeful that with some time and space he will change his mind.

Does anyone have any experience with separations due to mental health problems?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What has he been diagnosed with?

My ex was never diagnosed with anything but had a major hot and cold temperament that would go off w/o a moment's notice to the point where I would not want to come home from work some days. He also always blamed me for his moodiness/things he did. He was emotionally abusive and now looking back I wonder if he has/had BPD but most definitely depression.

You did the right thing by standing your ground. Hopefully he heeds the advice and gets help. Your child is only 2 years old and doesn't need to be in that type of environment.


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## needmorehelp (Jul 19, 2011)

Unfortunatley I am going through the same thing right now. My husband entire family is suffering with depression and I get so mad at myself that I didn't even pay attention to it. Now, five years in to our marriage I am kicking myself in the butt.

But I can tell you this, you are doing the right thing. He needs to know how serious you are. And sometimes an ultimatum is the only choice. I can't gurantee it will work, but, it will help you to not feel so guilty. Its really easy to blame yourself or let him blame you for his unhappiness. I finally had to take a good look in the mirror and sincerely ask myself.... Have I been the one that has really made him that UNHAPPY? No! And then I start to list all the things I do and try to do to satisfy his needs. And then I realized that it was never enough.

So, all I can say... you did the right thing. I would have done it. I didn't have to. My husband left the house last night.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile. I suffer from anxiety and depression, but haven't had anything serious while not separated. I am separated a second time however.

Anxiety does make relationships harder even when under control. The emotions push so hard for even stupid stuff. 

If your husband is suffering from it, its going to make a marriage impossible even if he loves you dearly. He will be a different man after treatment.

Good luck and God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TakeTheLeap (Jul 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What has he been diagnosed with?
> 
> My ex was never diagnosed with anything but had a major hot and cold temperament that would go off w/o a moment's notice to the point where I would not want to come home from work some days. He also always blamed me for his moodiness/things he did. He was emotionally abusive and now looking back I wonder if he has/had BPD but most definitely depression.
> 
> You did the right thing by standing your ground. Hopefully he heeds the advice and gets help. Your child is only 2 years old and doesn't need to be in that type of environment.


He's never been assessed by a psychiatrist. He's seen therapists briefly (through EAPs so only 2 visits were approved) and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode. A physician diagnosed him with anxiety. Another physician suspected bipolar and another therapist suggested he is actually having minor seizures due to brain damage caused by his many many concussions he's had over the years. However, he never had the tests or assessments done to see which one of these possibilities is accurate


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you heard from him since the day you had the talk?


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