# My wife is thinking about a separation



## jonprofeta

I've been together with my wife for 16 years married for seven we have two kids 5 1/2 and 3 1/2. Everything was all good in the beginning of our marriage one of her best friends was pregnant so after we got married she want to try for kids because she wanted to have kids that were the same age as her friend so we did that everything was still all good then we decided to have another kid he was born in 2013. She's had a lot of struggles in her life with her career she has a teacher and she got unlawfully let go from one of the positions that was her dream job and since then she's been in a few other districts that we're not the best districts. Her part in the career has also played a role in how we are in a relationship. Because it defines who she is as a person. From the start of our marriage the last thing we did together was going our honeymoon we haven't taken trips just her and I since the kids of been born and we really haven't made time to do any of that we have the occasional date night but that's about it. With certain jobs that she had gotten that weren't good and made her unhappy our relationship was bad but when she had gotten a job that was good for her are they Chip always got better now she's had a job where she travels an hour and a half to work and has to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning and she's not appreciated where she is. I'm not saying that I'm a total angel and I didn't do anything to help this relationship crumble and it's not something that is happened overnight it's taken a few years to get this way. We saw it a counselor this past September and the problems that she had with me going into it was that she fell out of love with me and that me being forgetful whether it be me making sure the kids lunches were packed or getting them to school on time those were the biggest fears. Canceling seemed like it was working but she also was carpooling with a girl where her husband was mentally physically emotionally abusive he was a drug attic and alcoholic and this girl did not have a stable environment for herself. I don't believe she was the best influence on my wife not saying that she is easily influenced. I made the mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve showing all my emotions telling her I love her and trying to show her. But in the end that had not helped I believe that I was perceived as weak. This last session on Tuesday toward the end of the session she had said she wanted to do a separation. We just signed for a mortgage last week for a house we've been living in for the past six years that is her mother's old house and her childhood house. How do I go about this to try to get her to see me in New light and not that I need her. 


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## MJJEAN

It sounds like she feels she can't depend on you to do important things consistently. If she feels she can't depend on you to do something as simple as making the kids their lunches and get them to school on time, she certainly can't depend on you for anything major that may happen. Women need security. You, by being unreliable, cannot provide her with security. I suggest you make an effort to take on responsibilities and fulfill them in an efficient and timely manner. Show her by actions that you are someone she can depend on. Become her rock.


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## jonprofeta

MJJEAN said:


> It sounds like she feels she can't depend on you to do important things consistently. If she feels she can't depend on you to do something as simple as making the kids their lunches and get them to school on time, she certainly can't depend on you for anything major that may happen. Women need security. You, by being unreliable, cannot provide her with security. I suggest you make an effort to take on responsibilities and fulfill them in an efficient and timely manner. Show her by actions that you are someone she can depend on. Become her rock.




But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship. 


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## jonprofeta

One of the things I think that is my problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm very emotional. We been trying to get a mortgage for the house that were in which is her childhood home that it's only me her and the two kids we've been trying to get it for the past five years the biggest problems that we had were trying to get this was that she has over $100,000 in student debt and I don't show what I make on the books. I have money in stocks and we use that to pay off the last vehicle so we can get the mortgage but when we went to go into verification of employment it showed that she wasn't going to be employed in July. So we weren't able to get the mortgage last year now if she got a job in the city where she has to commute and she couldn't drive a big truck into the city so I suggested to get A $5000 commuter car but she insisted that it wouldn't be safe to pick up the kids so I ended up getting her a brand-new 2016 ford Explorer Limited with all the bells and whistles we got rid of her other truck and we took a loan out now still actively trying to get the mortgage and we knew getting this truck would not help us it would only hurt us. So not going forth with a mortgage the truck need to be paid off so I borrow $20,000 for my father to pay off the truck. I bent over backwards to get this mortgage and to be at the right debt to income ratio and I successfully got the mortgage and we sign for last week. 


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## *Deidre*

jonprofeta said:


> But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is true, one's happiness doesn't hinge on someone else. If you are a good husband in general to her, and she is still ''unhappy'' then that is on her to figure out as to why. I think that it's easier though for people to toss a relationship out when they are sad, confused, or feeling ''unhappy.'' I hope things work out for you both. You sound like you're doing your best to be a good partner in your marriage.


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## MJJEAN

jonprofeta said:


> But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If you've made effort and she has recognized that effort, all you can do is keep it up. If her unhappiness is due to her career troubles, she needs to learn to separate her professional life from her personal life. Does she get any time between work and interacting with you and the kids? Perhaps if she had some decompression time, only a half hour or hour, she could more easily separate her negative feelings surrounding her job from her homelife.


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## Tatsuhiko

I think the housework thing is often a red herring, and that you're correct about your wife having deeper issues related to her own fundamental unhappiness. There are many stories in here where the man stepped up to do more housework and received no recognition in return. Often these are men spinning their wheels in their own unsatisfying career, breaking their backs to make their wives happy, yet everything they do is in vain. Definitely step up with the housework, but don't fall into the trap of believing it will have any positive effects. 

If anything, you should try to have her see a qualified Marriage Counselor with you. Perhaps you can at least appeal to her desire to avoid disrupting the children's lives. 

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I'd say that your wife lost respect for you somewhere along the way. Who is the bigger earner in the family? It might actually be good to put a little bit of distance between the two of you, or for her to understand that you will be okay without her. Take the kids on some activities by yourself with the excuse that you'd like her to have some downtime where she can relax and work on herself without having to be a 24/7 mother.


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## SunCMars

Sorry, this is a tough place that you are in. Sounds like she is done with you. This other lady just cemented her poor opinion of you and your marriage. Don't blame her. Both ladies are leaning on each other for emotional support. 

On her separation plans:

Is she going to get a place closer to her new job? This would make sense. 
This would kill two birds-
1) Bird #1, Eliminate her long flapping flight [both ways]. This drive is madness. You should have offered to move the family somewhere closer. You got the mortgage approval. Can you get a house closer for her...farther for you? You need to downsize...big time.
2) Bird #2, Eliminate her rooster at home. That is you....No Clock-a-Doodle for you.

Is she going to share the place with her new carpool friend?


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## straightshooter

Jon,

If you wife has told you she is "not in love with you", you better get prepared to find out that there is another man either already involved or waiting in the wings that she wants to go out with without you around. 

Separating cannot be easy financially and you have not indicated anything where she wants to separate and remain "faithful" until she sorts herself out, as if that was the truth. If you fall for this, you need to make it clear to her you are not agreeing to this so she can be "single" and date other men and then decide if you are OK for Plan B.

You should tell her that once she wealks out the door, either she takes a polygraph test or she never comes back home. Her reaction will give you an indication of what is happening.


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## jb02157

The thing that jumped off the page to me about your story is that she wants a separation a week after you signed a mortgage for a house. This isn't a mere coincidence, she scripted this. I think she wants the marriage to stay together just enough for her to make you pay for at least part of the house...a house that only she stays in with the kids and that you only get to pay for and not live in. If there's a way to do it, I would go to a lawyer and try to get out of the mortgage. It looks to me that you signed the mortgage under false pretenses. She's a schemer, I think you should seriously consider whether you want her in your life anymore.


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## jonprofeta

We have been living in her childhood house for almost 7 years paying her mothers mortgage her mother moved out with her new husband we just signed the mortgage last week and it is now in our names the job that she has now is not her forever job she is actively looking for a better job closer and something that makes her happy. As far as who is the breadwinner in the family that is me she does hold the insurance for us but I am the one that brings home more money. As far as her seeing someone else she doesn't go off and sneak out and come home late when she supposed to be home so I don't Think that she is involved with anyone else but that doesn't mean that she has an emotionally connected with another person. The person that she carpools with that is not the best influence on her and it's not a good friend she has ended the carpool with her because she talks behind her back to people in the school and it got back to her. Do you realize that this person was not a good friend to her and I knew that from the beginning. In 2013 when she had gotten her dream job we were all fine she was there for two years and she was wrongfully let go on April 1 of 2014. She finished at her school year and ever since then we haven't been good. We were fine over the summer of that year and then she got a job in a district where she was not appreciated she was actively applying for other jobs and she got a new job in January 2016 we were in a better place when she got that new job and were fine over the summer. Then she had gotten another job because the other job was a leave replacement so she wasn't guaranteed a job in September so this new job she had to commute an hour and a half to work every day and not being appreciated for the things that she does. She is actively applying now and is going on interviews for hopes that she can get a job that's closer and better for her over all being. It's not like she completely stopped everything she has planned for the future as far as vacations and things to do as a couple but she is not able to separate her work and home environment. She knows I love her she knows I want to make things work but she needs to find herself because she feels she is lost. 


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## jonprofeta

jb02157 said:


> The thing that jumped off the page to me about your story is that she wants a separation a week after you signed a mortgage for a house. This isn't a mere coincidence, she scripted this. I think she wants the marriage to stay together just enough for her to make you pay for at least part of the house...a house that only she stays in with the kids and that you only get to pay for and not live in. If there's a way to do it, I would go to a lawyer and try to get out of the mortgage. It looks to me that you signed the mortgage under false pretenses. She's a schemer, I think you should seriously consider whether you want her in your life anymore.




I don't believe that she had signed the mortgage just so I would be able to pay for it and have her live in the house reason behind that is because we've been trying so hard for the past 5 to 6 years to get the mortgage in our name and we were so far along in the process that I think she just said screw it. Don't get me wrong that thought has crossed my mind but I know that that was not her intention. We still need to talk about what the separation is going to be because she herself will not be able to do it on her own if I left the house as far as getting the kids ready in the morning picking up and all the other responsibilities. This is something we still need to discuss what I started doing the past few days was not being clingy not making it seem like I need her to text me. And I have been doing myself and trying to make myself happier and showing her that I can be happy and don't need her to be happy I'm basically going to try to trying to table so she may see me in a new light. 


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## jonprofeta

Our biggest problem is communication we would get into petty arguments over small things. So I have tried in the past few weeks to distance myself from any of those petty arguments. Now the girl that she was carpooling with that had really major problems with her husband she looked at my wife as you don't have problems the only thing that you have is that you fell out of love with your husband. She had went to Montauk with that girl and one of her friends and that girl had a couple drinks and totally disrespected my wife telling her that she's a ***** spoiled privileged she doesn't know what real problems are. The next day the girl did apologize for what she said but my wife gave her the benefit of the doubt and after the recent events where she spread or business in the school my wife totally abandoned that there could be any friendship between the both of them. Now my wife's best friend that has had problems with her relationship with her husband for the past four years, has been getting better and right now they're at a point in their life where their marriage is better and I know my wife sees that and sees what she's doing and maybe will want to reconcile a little bit more if I keep up with the way I'm going about things right now. When I come home from work I don't discuss anything unless she talks to me if she calls I don't make it about myself and I let her initiate to ask how my day was when we hang up the phone I make sure I'm the one who initiated the one ending the phone call. Women do not like men that are weak they don't like the feeling that they depend on them. So I'm going to be strong and work on myself and always be in a good mood social say to herself why is he in a good mood I just brought up separation this past week and hopefully maybe one day she will be able to see me in a new light. 


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## Evinrude58

Here's the thing:

This is crystal clear: You get a mortgage on a house and she's wanting to separate.

It's already been said. It's true.
YOU my friend, are being "chumped".

About your "wife":
She was "wrongfully terminated"???
She can't keep a steady job as a teacher??????
Let's me tell you why. It's because your wife is a nut case. She can't get along with people, nobody likes her, her class is likely unruly, etc, etc.

She has successfully chumped you into buying her a BRAND NEW car, and getting YOU to pay for her home.

You need to get this woman out of your life. Do whatever it takes to divorce her. Take care of your kids and find someone you can build a stable life with. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but think about it. Do you want to work all day, then come home and cook and clean all evening while she does......... what???? Fold clothes????

Boot her conniving rear to the curb.
Of course, realize you've majorly screwed yourself signing a mortgage and buying her a new car. You'll also be paying her until your kids turn 18.
You are totally screwed. 
And you know who has done this to you? Your wife. Just realize she planned all this stuff. I'll bet when she says she wants to separate, what she means is she wants YOU to leave, while still paying all the bills. 

You are delaying the inevitable of you don't go see an attorney.
Sorry man


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## jonprofeta

Evinrude58 said:


> Here's the thing:
> 
> This is crystal clear: You get a mortgage on a house and she's wanting to separate.
> 
> It's already been said. It's true.
> YOU my friend, are being "chumped".
> 
> About your "wife":
> She was "wrongfully terminated"???
> She can't keep a steady job as a teacher??????
> Let's me tell you why. It's because your wife is a nut case. She can't get along with people, nobody likes her, her class is likely unruly, etc, etc.
> 
> She has successfully chumped you into buying her a BRAND NEW car, and getting YOU to pay for her home.
> 
> You need to get this woman out of your life. Do whatever it takes to divorce her. Take care of your kids and find someone you can build a stable life with. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but think about it. Do you want to work all day, then come home and cook and clean all evening while she does......... what???? Fold clothes????
> 
> Boot her conniving rear to the curb.
> Of course, realize you've majorly screwed yourself signing a mortgage and buying her a new car. You'll also be paying her until your kids turn 18.
> You are totally screwed.
> And you know who has done this to you? Your wife. Just realize she planned all this stuff. I'll bet when she says she wants to separate, what she means is she wants YOU to leave, while still paying all the bills.
> 
> You are delaying the inevitable of you don't go see an attorney.
> Sorry man




We have spoke about doing a separation before the mortgage if the way I was trying to do things wasn't working. As per her job situation when she was applying for jobs and she got this job she was already five months pregnant but they weren't able to see that because she was ccarryingvery small. She got hired and then had to take maternity leave in October the superintendent did not like that and was not able to let her go her first year but did that the next year and made up an excuse they were doing away with the program she worked in. As far as The girl she carpools with she has her own problems where her husband is a drug attic alcoholic physically mentally verbally abuses her that Carl had slept with her husband's uncle. So that girl was a nutcase to begin with. I'm not saying that my wife doesn't do anything around the house because she does cook every single night she does clean up she does fold the laundry she does clean the house. If this was someone else telling me the story I would totally perceive it the same way you have. I don't know my wife well enough to know why what's going on is going on but I do know her well enough that she is not trying to do this so I have to pay for a house and all the other bills. 


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## Vinnydee

Think about this, can you see someone you do not love and will yourself to love them? How about someone talking you into loving them? Does that work? The problem is that love is a mixture of chemicals in your brain. Love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once it is gone, it is gone even if the other person wants it back. An old friend of mine who was a MC told me that once someone tells you that they no longer love you, get out. There is no fixing that. He learned that in his own marriage. Your wife cannot be talked into getting her brain to release the chemicals that make up love. You are not going to change your basic natures. A beta male cannot be alpha and vice versa. I am not very emotional or have much apathy for others. I cannot change that. I can pretend though that much of MC is getting you to act in a way that is not really you. It is always just a matter of time before you cannot control your anger about something your wife or husband does that really bothers you. You will blow at some point and you are then back to the original problem. MC is mostly a speed bump or rest stop on the way to divorce. It is easy to say let's see a MC than to say I want a divorce. It is easier to say I want a separation than I want a divorce. Separation usually means that he or she wants to keep dating the person they are cheating with without having to lie and hide it. No one wants a separation so they can live alone with 5 cats and think about it. They want sex with others and to keep you as their security blanket should they not find anyone better.

You are playing her game so I can see why she views you as she does. It is just a matter of time and she is playing you while getting you to accept the blame for the problems. I have seen this. Men feel that they have to change to fit the way their wives want them to be. That usually ends in divorce. Good luck anyway but stop acting in a way that only serves to re-enforce her view of you. Separation=I have a boyfriend and want to see if it works out. If not, you are my safety net until the next boyfriend. I have seen this many times. Sometimes they cannot find a good boyfriend and come back; for a short time that is, until the next boyfriend comes along. You are her security net and no more. In the end it is your life to fix or mess up anyway you want to.


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## GuyInColorado

So... is she really hot? Do you really want to save this marriage? Or do you only want to save it because you need her income to pay for the house and car and don't want to pay her child support/alimony?

You seem like me in the last year of my marriage. I bought my wife a brand new $50K SUV. I put $30k into the house to remodel it. I was doing whatever she wanted to keep her happy but deep down, I was miserable and couldn't wait to divorce her. I waited until my kids were 5 years old and left her. Lost my ass with the finances. I hated my wife. 

She checked out the marriage a while ago. 

Here's what you do. If she wants to separate, you get to make the rules. The house goes on the market. You sell the car and she gets a $3,000 beater (ha!). No dating. You get full access to her cell bill and verify who she is texting and calling. I'd bet my next paycheck she is talking to another guy and will latch on to him once she's single.

Hopefully you got a great deal on the house since family sold it and you can now sell it with a nice profit to start your new life with.


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## Evinrude58

You're in denial.

Brand new car, brand new mortgage, toxic friends, etc.

You are denying facts and acting emotionally. I recognize it because I have that problem.

Why in the heck would you sign a mortgage when your wife is wanting separation?

Because you're acting emotionally and in denial.

Your wife wants to divorce you. No woman wants to "separate". She wants you GONE.

You need to start planning on how to accomplish that by speaking to an attorney.

I know this sounds harsh. But it's true.  Eventually your wife is going to can you. You can't clean enough, help enough, provide enough. That's not what it's about. It's about the fact that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't love you anymore.

She's probably told you so.

This is NOT the end of the world like it feels like NOW. You can be happy again, and can find another woman.

I just want you to start thinking about facts, and how you can deal with this in reality. You are trying to nice your wife back into being in love with you. That just doesn't work. Because she won't let it work.


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## Yeswecan

jonprofeta said:


> One of the things I think that is my problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm very emotional. We been trying to get a mortgage for the house that were in which is her childhood home that it's only me her and the two kids we've been trying to get it for the past five years the biggest problems that we had were trying to get this was that she has over $100,000 in student debt and I don't show what I make on the books. I have money in stocks and we use that to pay off the last vehicle so we can get the mortgage but when we went to go into verification of employment it showed that she wasn't going to be employed in July. So we weren't able to get the mortgage last year now if she got a job in the city where she has to commute and she couldn't drive a big truck into the city so I suggested to get A $5000 commuter car but she insisted that it wouldn't be safe to pick up the kids so I ended up getting her a brand-new 2016 ford Explorer Limited with all the bells and whistles we got rid of her other truck and we took a loan out now still actively trying to get the mortgage and we knew getting this truck would not help us it would only hurt us. So not going forth with a mortgage the truck need to be paid off so I borrow $20,000 for my father to pay off the truck. I bent over backwards to get this mortgage and to be at the right debt to income ratio and I successfully got the mortgage and we sign for last week.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Absolutely STOP buying cars, homes and borrowing money to facilitate your W separation. Next she will have you pay off the student loan then leave with the home and car. 

Sir, make it real for your W, draw up D paperwork. Your W putting her unhappiness on your plate to fix is incorrect. Stop blaming you and the marriage for a failing career. Your W happiness is for her to find.


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## Evinrude58

That loan you got from your dad? That needs to be in writing and signed by your wife, or the only person repaying your dad is you.
Sell the explorer. Sell it. Sell it.

Sell the house. Do not separate. 
You are being played.
Vinnydee is right. You're just a safety net until the next boyfriend--- if there isn't one already.

You are going to be even more miserable than losing your lousy wife, if you also are financially destroyed.

Your wife is putting her unhappiness on YOU. Don't accept it. Do what's reasonable and let her do what she's gonna do.

Please don't cry or beg. Just move forward.


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## jonprofeta

I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me. But we have no emotional connection. We have a problem with communication. Those are two big keys in a relationship. The other one is trust. We are going to do an in house separation. We are calling it a healing separation with goals. 


Healing Separation Agreement

A. Commitment to do a Healing Separation:

With the awareness that our love relationship is at a point of crisis, we choose to try a working and creative healing separation in order to obtain a better individual perspective of the future of our relationship. In choosing this healing separation, it is acknowledged there are aspects in our relationship that are destructive to us as a couple and as individuals. Likewise we acknowledge there are positive and constructive elements in our relationship which could be called assets and upon which we may be able to build a new and different relationship. With this in mind, we are committed to do the personal, social, psychological, and emotional work necessary to make this separation a healing one.

At some future time, when we have experienced the personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation possible in a healing separation, we will make a more enlightened decision about the future of our love relationship.

B. Goals of Our Healing Separation:

Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:

• To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

• To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

• To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

• To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

• To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our relationship.

• To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

C. Specific Decisions Regarding this Healing Separation:

1. Length of Separation:


We agree to review this separation agreement monthly to determine if any changes need to be made.

2. Time to be Spent Together:

We agree to spend time together when it is agreeable to both parties according to the following schedule and for the purposes listed. 

Once Weekly Date. This time might be spent having fun, talking, dinner out, seeing a movie, etc. No current or past marital issues are to be discussed. Two hour minimum time limit.

Weekly Discussion/Sharing. This time might be spent discussing any personal growth we feel we have experienced, issues that may be important to us, and to work on relationship rebuilding. One hour minimum time limit.

3. Personal Growth Experiences:

Wife agrees to participate in:

individual counseling 

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

Husband agrees to participate in:

individual counseling

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:

Wife agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

Husband agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

5. Living Arrangements:

Both parties currently agree to remain in the family home while maintaining separate sleeping arrangements and personal space. This can be reviewed and changed if mutually agreed upon by both parties. 

6. Financial Decisions:

Wife agrees to:

Children Involved in this Relationship:

We agree to the following suggestions, designed to help the healing separation be a positive experience for our children:

1. Both parents remain committed to maintaining a good quality relationship with their kids. They should continue to feel loved by both parents.

2. Parents should be as open and honest with the children about the Healing Separation as is appropriate.

3. The parents will help the children see and understand that the separation is an adult problem and that the children are not responsible for the problems in the parent’s love relationship.

4. The parents will not express anger or negative feelings towards the other parent or children through the children. It is very destructive to children to become caught in the emotional crossfire of the parents.

5. The parent will avoid forcing the children to take sides in the parental arguments concerning differing attitudes and viewpoints.

6. The parent will not put the children in a position of spying and reporting on the behavior of the other parent. 


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## Evinrude58

If anything could work, your plan might.

I truly wish you well with it.

I'm a good observer.
I see flaws: your wife will not let go of her toxic friends. She likes drama too much.
She's still getting you as her safety net.
I suspect your needs won't be met.

Question: how's your sex life?
That usually says a lot about your relationship. 

Again, wishing you luck.


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## Yeswecan

jonprofeta said:


> I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me.


Ummm...I love you but not in love with you speech. Not good at all.


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## straightshooter

Jon,

OK buddy, you got an in house separation and you got some rules. Nothing unusual there.

Two problems

Nothing in there giving you any way to verify the "no dating" potential lovers, and no accountability for her time outside the house. So she just goes where she wants with no explanations

And secondly, her entire posse of toxic friends who are going to encourage her to "be happy" ( translation find a man if she wants to) are still in place.

Denial is your worst enemy.


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## 3Xnocharm

If she wants to separate, then SHE can leave. 

I agree with those who are saying you are being played.


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## jonprofeta

straightshooter said:


> Jon,
> 
> 
> 
> OK buddy, you got an in house separation and you got some rules. Nothing unusual there.
> 
> 
> 
> Two problems
> 
> 
> 
> Nothing in there giving you any way to verify the "no dating" potential lovers, and no accountability for her time outside the house. So she just goes where she wants with no explanations
> 
> 
> 
> And secondly, her entire posse of toxic friends who are going to encourage her to "be happy" ( translation find a man if she wants to) are still in place.
> 
> 
> 
> Denial is your worst enemy.




The one girl that is very toxic that has a bad relationship with her husband is out of the picture. She is not driving in with her anymore and is keeping contact at a minimum. As far as the time outside the house she's going to maintain her friendship with her friends still plan to do things as a couple and set time aside to build on the relationship also set Time aside to build on ourselves. We all know if someone is not happy there's no way for them to be happy in a good situation. Only person that can make yourself happy is yourself. 


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## jonprofeta

And from the guys previous response before my wife is very good-looking and I also am a very good looking guy. We both take care of ourselves and the physical aspect. I still go to the gym every day and do what makes me happy. 


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## Evinrude58

jonprofeta said:


> And from the guys previous response before my wife is very good-looking and I also am a very good looking guy. We both take care of ourselves and the physical aspect. I still go to the gym every day and do what makes me happy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Does SHE go through the gym?
I know that as a good-looking man, you may have never experienced a woman dumping you and cheating on you. But it happens. Lots of times they do it with men that are not nearly as accomplished or handsome as their husbands.

You never answered, and it's none of my business. Still, you should ask yourself about the sex life. If it's bad or. NOn existent, and she's healthy, it's because those needs are being met elsewhere.

I just am trying to get to the bottom of this. Honestly, there's usually a reason when they want a separation or divorce. The fact that your wife wants an inhouse separation is a good sign, if any kind of separation is a "good sign".

Good luck


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## MovingForward

jonprofeta said:


> I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me.


I got the same speech, from my wife it meant I want a D but not quite confident enough to go through with it yet so I will string it along to build my confidence. I was told my everyone to take the lead and I refused and it got me nothing but a lot of heart break and stress and a confirmed court date for D.

There are a lot of people on here who have been through the same situation and it seems the ones who are successful(not me) took lead did a 180 and accepted moving on.


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## Evinrude58

I just realized that this "separation" is nothing more than cutting you off from any kind of physical affection. Your wife is likely seeing another man and wants to be faithful to him-- so she cuts you off. You will not know about it until later. You won't dig into it because you're scared of what you'll find. You're being played like a Stratovari.


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## MovingForward

Don't do what I did and just hover around and let her call the shots it ends bad, If you start taking the lead and not giving her a choice you will take her out her comfort Zone so either you speed it up the divorce faster than she anticipated and get it over with to save yourself endless months of limbo or she realizes she doesn't get to have you sit on the side line while she decides what to do and realizes she wants to make it work and don't agree until you start seeing action from her side. Take back control that is the single biggest mistake I made letting her call all the shots and sit on the side line waiting like a desperate loser.


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## straightshooter

Evinrude58 said:


> I just realized that this "separation" is nothing more than cutting you off from any kind of physical affection. Your wife is likely seeing another man and wants to be faithful to him-- so she cuts you off. You will not know about it until later. You won't dig into it because you're scared of what you'll find. You're being played like a Stratovari.


Jon

I suggest you read that one again. I missed it. So she has no obligation to fulfill your sexual needs or show any physical affection? So I guess that means she just bought a big supply of batteries for her "rabbit". because if she did not someone is going to be taking care of her physical needs. Do you have physical needs??? My guess is yes.

You are making one big mistake my friend if you do not tell her when this "separation " is over that she is proving she has been faithful with something other than her word. 

And do not be fooled by thinking because its "in house" meaning anything. She can meet a man before work, after work, at lunch, and of course at the infamous "girls night out". And what is your reaction when she tells you her and girlfriend are going out of town for the night or week end??? You sit home and wonder.

I agree. You are being played and you are going to pay for it in heartache. The other saying is "*You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it"*. You are not there. You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well for someone in your situation.

Along with the polygraph demand ( notice I said demand), I would also tell her you are seeing an attorney and that if you find out she has been seeing another man that you will have the papers ready for her immediately. But that cannot be an idle threat. You mmust mean it and she must believe it. Then you will find out how seriously she is taking this thing or if she is just buying time.


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## jonprofeta

Yes the sexual contact has toned down for a while but I know she is actling using a toy for that. Not a man. But on another note. I have read a book called connecting though yes. I have gotten. Some insight on what needs to be done and not so much specifically on how to change her mind but to stop arguments that we would have. If someone agrees with you is there any reason to argue because if they did they would be contradicting the reasoning. Not saying that I am agreeing to the separation but just saying nearly that yes we do have problems you are right this relationship is not working well right now. So now with agreeing with her not saying it's going to happen overnight or in a couple weeks or a month but you do gain a connection with someone that you agree with. Basically trying to build a bridge and right now that bridge is made out of string. I know that my wife is monogamous and not cheating on me and you may say how do you know that reason I know that is because I know her schedule I know when she gets off and she's never late for anything she works in the school and is not in a tenured position that she can take time off because they get penalized for that. As far as a girls night out I'm good friends with one of the girls that she goes out with all the time and I do have confirmation that she is out with them. On another note we still talk on a regular basis we still text each other on a regular basis but I stopped being the one that initiated the communication. Just from the past few days that I have been showing up in a better mood after she said about a separation me coming home in a better mood has definitely thrown her off a little bit. 


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## aine

jonprofeta said:


> I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me. But we have no emotional connection. We have a problem with communication. Those are two big keys in a relationship. The other one is trust. We are going to do an in house separation. We are calling it a healing separation with goals.
> 
> 
> Healing Separation Agreement
> 
> A. Commitment to do a Healing Separation:
> 
> With the awareness that our love relationship is at a point of crisis, we choose to try a working and creative healing separation in order to obtain a better individual perspective of the future of our relationship. In choosing this healing separation, it is acknowledged there are aspects in our relationship that are destructive to us as a couple and as individuals. Likewise we acknowledge there are positive and constructive elements in our relationship which could be called assets and upon which we may be able to build a new and different relationship. With this in mind, we are committed to do the personal, social, psychological, and emotional work necessary to make this separation a healing one.
> 
> At some future time, when we have experienced the personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation possible in a healing separation, we will make a more enlightened decision about the future of our love relationship.
> 
> B. Goals of Our Healing Separation:
> 
> Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
> 
> • To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.
> 
> • To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.
> 
> • To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.
> 
> • To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.
> 
> • To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our relationship.
> 
> • To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.
> 
> C. Specific Decisions Regarding this Healing Separation:
> 
> 1. Length of Separation:
> 
> 
> We agree to review this separation agreement monthly to determine if any changes need to be made.
> 
> 2. Time to be Spent Together:
> 
> We agree to spend time together when it is agreeable to both parties according to the following schedule and for the purposes listed.
> 
> Once Weekly Date. This time might be spent having fun, talking, dinner out, seeing a movie, etc. No current or past marital issues are to be discussed. Two hour minimum time limit.
> 
> Weekly Discussion/Sharing. This time might be spent discussing any personal growth we feel we have experienced, issues that may be important to us, and to work on relationship rebuilding. One hour minimum time limit.
> 
> 3. Personal Growth Experiences:
> 
> Wife agrees to participate in:
> 
> individual counseling
> 
> other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)
> 
> Husband agrees to participate in:
> 
> individual counseling
> 
> other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)
> 
> 4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:
> 
> Wife agrees to:
> 
> maintain a support system of important friends
> 
> not date potential love partners
> 
> remain emotionally monogamous
> 
> remain sexually monogamous
> 
> Husband agrees to:
> 
> maintain a support system of important friends
> 
> not date potential love partners
> 
> remain emotionally monogamous
> 
> remain sexually monogamous
> 
> 5. Living Arrangements:
> 
> Both parties currently agree to remain in the family home while maintaining separate sleeping arrangements and personal space. This can be reviewed and changed if mutually agreed upon by both parties.
> 
> 6. Financial Decisions:
> 
> Wife agrees to:
> 
> Children Involved in this Relationship:
> 
> We agree to the following suggestions, designed to help the healing separation be a positive experience for our children:
> 
> 1. Both parents remain committed to maintaining a good quality relationship with their kids. They should continue to feel loved by both parents.
> 
> 2. Parents should be as open and honest with the children about the Healing Separation as is appropriate.
> 
> 3. The parents will help the children see and understand that the separation is an adult problem and that the children are not responsible for the problems in the parent’s love relationship.
> 
> 4. The parents will not express anger or negative feelings towards the other parent or children through the children. It is very destructive to children to become caught in the emotional crossfire of the parents.
> 
> 5. The parent will avoid forcing the children to take sides in the parental arguments concerning differing attitudes and viewpoints.
> 
> 6. The parent will not put the children in a position of spying and reporting on the behavior of the other parent.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This sounds like a great plan provided both of you stick to the terms of the arrangement.
What exactly will you both do to ensure
You have _personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation_. Have you signed up for IC, courses, reading, individual activities, etc?


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## jonprofeta

aine said:


> This sounds like a great plan provided both of you stick to the terms of the arrangement.
> 
> What exactly will you both do to ensure
> 
> You have _personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation_. Have you signed up for IC, courses, reading, individual activities, etc?




In all actuality I know that I am doing my part because I have changed myself as an individual with how I needed to be. The only thing where I went wrong was the (please give us another chance I love you being emotional Bla bla bla that drives woman away when they are emotionally disconnected. The one main goal here is for me to distance myself here to have her realize that I am not so much of the problem in her life and I am not what is making here 100% unhappy. I am more so the punching bag here because I have taken all of her stress and frustrations from work and had to deal with the frustrations of what she has been going through. As far as working on ourselves I'm going to bring the kids out more so she can have more quiet time to be herself and unwind. I don't know if some of you have kids but having one is cake. Having 2. It changes the game up a little. Plus 2 boys. If you have more then 2 kids you all know how stressful just going to the grocery store can be. Now I'm not saying my kids are ****ing animals. They are very well behaved and have very good manners please thank you your welcome. It can make simple tasks longer and stressful. 


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## Evinrude58

You're trying to nice her back into loving you. I wish that worked. She's just going to really take advantage of you, walk all over you, tell you it's just not working, she's just not in love with you anymore, and draw this out for months or even years possibly.
One day when she figures out a way for you to pay for her life, or someone else that will take on her problems and pay for her, she will be out the door.

Be honest with yourself. Is your wife actually working at your relationship? Is she trying as hard at this as you? I don't believe so. She's cut you off from sex and physical affection, you're still paying bills, you're talking about doing x,y,z, with the kids to give her free time, etc etc.
Do you think she's thinking about all these ways for her to increase your happiness? I doubt it.
She's going to get further and further away. 

I don't know the solution. I do think filing papers and separating is just what she wants. She wants you to have the kids half the time, pay half the bills, and be free to find someone else.
In one fell swoop she will have reduced her responsibility by half for the kids, you will still be paying bills, and she's suddenly found her freedom to find someone she loves.

You've got to be realistic about what she is really wanting.

You're making excuse after excuse for her. You don't think other people have struggles with work and such? You don't think other people struggle with taking care of kids? She doesn't have a monopoly on parenting woes and job woes. You ALLOWING her to make this all your fault is not going to heal your relationship.

Of course, I don't think filing for divorce will help shock her, either. 

I think you just need to try your plan for a while and put a tineline on it. Don't do this for the rest of your life. Your feelings and your needs count also.

I hope it works out for you.


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## katiecrna

It sounds like she is doing this last stitch drastic attempt to save the marriage and wake you up. Your lucky she is giving you an opportunity to show her your changing rather then just pulling the plug on a lost cause. 

Separate. Use this time to make yourself a better man, mentally, physically, spiritually. And date your wife again. Listen to what issues she has about you, and do some self realization thinking. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man are you? It starts with you.  goodluck


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## jonprofeta

katiecrna said:


> It sounds like she is doing this last stitch drastic attempt to save the marriage and wake you up. Your lucky she is giving you an opportunity to show her your changing rather then just pulling the plug on a lost cause.
> 
> Separate. Use this time to make yourself a better man, mentally, physically, spiritually. And date your wife again. Listen to what issues she has about you, and do some self realization thinking. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man are you? It starts with you.  goodluck




We had that conversation just before. We actually spoke really well. We actually laughed about a few things. The weather was nice today so we were outside doing yard work together. She had said to me that she felt good about us together working together. She didn't know if it was just because we have been cooped up in the house all winter or what it was. I do think that her coming out and saying it definitely shaked it up a little and made me open my eyes. I could also tell that when we were taking and I was agreeing with her and adding to how I felt. I could tell that she was a little thrown off that I was agreeing and not resisting her. How can you argue with Simone that is agreeing with you. I'm not agreeing for the sake of agreeing. I am agreeing because I know that this relationship has taken a mental toll on. It's if us. And I need to take a step back myself. 


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## Marc878

All that plan is just a piece of paper. Expect her to ignore it.

Check your phone bill and see who her boyfriend is.


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## Satya

Whose idea was it to draft and implement the agreement?


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## jonprofeta

Satya said:


> Whose idea was it to draft and implement the agreement?




That was just something I found on the internet. Not saying we're like signing it and getting it notarized lol. I can definitely say I feel way better about this then I ever did before. We are going to go over the fine details after we come back from our trip with our kids. It was just funny to see her so thrown off that we were agreeing on this. She was waiting for me to go against her about it and when I didn't she looked at me kinda like surprised like she wasn't all sure about doing it. 


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## jonprofeta

So you guys were right. She was involved in an emotional relationship with Simone else. 


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## jonprofeta

I got a text from a random number saying that they don't know me but said my wife has been with Simone else. Have me his number and name. I looked it up and found out who it was. It was a person that she co taught with in another district. The became friends and it ended when they got to close and his girlfriend didn't like it anymore. I checked phone records and this number was all over. Confronted her and was calm about it. Told her I needed the truth and now was the time to be honest and come clean. I asked her who it was and she was like a deer in headlights. She went Pail. She tried to play it off like it was just a friendship and I came back saying now is the time to be honest and that I know almost everything. End result I don't know what I am going to do but if I ever did decide to stay and work on things then this is going to be really hard for me and is going to take a lot of time. Remember we have two kids together. I am on the fence of either divorce or possible trying to salvage whatever we can. 


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## farsidejunky

Jon, I am sorry brother. All the signs were there. Now, please...PLEASE...listen carefully to what you are told this time. 

First off, she is likely lying about it being only emotional. 

As @GusPolinski likes to say, emotional affair + proximity to affair partner = physical affair.

So, she is cheating. Your first priority is to get yourself out of infidelity. Not save the marriage, not dump the cheater, but get out of infidelity. This requires a simple, disciplined approach from you, which is something like this:

The worst thing that can possibly happen is not you losing your marriage, but you continuing in a situation in which you are sharing your wife. 

Before I continue, did you tell her to end the affair?

@drifting on


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## Evinrude58

It happens. Don't be ashamed.
We all wanted to take all the blame--- so we could fix it.

It would be so easy to fix it---if SHE wanted to. You're more than willing. I'm so sorry.
I hope you keep posting and get some support. I know from personal experience EXACTLY how you feel.


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## sokillme

jonprofeta said:


> I got a text from a random number saying that they don't know me but said my wife has been with Simone else. Have me his number and name. I looked it up and found out who it was. It was a person that she co taught with in another district. The became friends and it ended when they got to close and his girlfriend didn't like it anymore. I checked phone records and this number was all over. Confronted her and was calm about it. Told her I needed the truth and now was the time to be honest and come clean. I asked her who it was and she was like a deer in headlights. She went Pail. She tried to play it off like it was just a friendship and I came back saying now is the time to be honest and that I know almost everything. End result I don't know what I am going to do but if I ever did decide to stay and work on things then this is going to be really hard for me and is going to take a lot of time. Remember we have two kids together. I am on the fence of either divorce or possible trying to salvage whatever we can.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So everyone here was right about her cheating. @Evinrude58 was practically clairvoyant. Thing is it's not rocket science look up almost any story where the title is my wife wants to separate and 99% of the time she is cheating. This time trust us. The only way you have a chance is to give her swift strong consequences, and even if she doesn't come back to you you will be much better off because you were not bullied and you stood up for yourself. 

Read these threads. All these guys got strong really fast. Right now you should stop being sad and start being mad. Your wife cheated on you and lied to you an was prepared to blame everything on you while she was cheating. She also used you as a bank account. Not very nice. 

Trust what everyone who is not a white knight, these would be the ones before who told you that your wife was NOT cheating and is was all your fault, everyone else is going to tell you to get strong, trust those people. Go with the ones who were right from the beginning. Your post has been written on her hundreds of times cheaters all do the same thing. Swift harsh consequences is the only thing that works. I would start by seeing a lawyer and giving her divorce papers. You can stop at any time but at least now she has some consequences. Tell her since she is seeing someone else you want to start to split up you finances. Or maybe now that you see how she treated you, you will just let her go. Probably the easiest route as she is not a very nice person. Can't hold even a teaching job, if she is in the US these jobs are hard to get fired from because of unions. She doesn't sound very stable. But whatever you do, don't let her abuse you and beg her to come back. It doesn't work and you will regret it latter. 

Get strong!


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## Evinrude58

If you don't file for divorce, totally disrupt her life, and ACT convincingly NOW, that you are disgusted, and couldn't care less if she lives or dies--- you will be divorced.

You want to beg her, plead with her, make love to her and feel everything is all right. 

If you do this, she will subconsciously think she is right about thinking she can do better than you, and she will CONSCIOUSLY be repulsed by your weak behavior and RUN.

If you file for divorce and act like she is trash and don't even consider touching her, there is a chance she will be shocked into remembering hiw she once loved you and be fearful about losing you and maybe even try to reconcile with you.


Think about this: How SHOULD you feel? Shouldn't you be LIVID?
Shouldn't you WANT to divorce thus evil, cheating, trashy woman?
ACT this way. Never let her know how you really feel. Under no circumstances do you cry, beg, or even let her know you care.

Have her served with divorce papers. You don't have to go through with it, although you should and may have to.

If you try to nice her back like I did mine, you are guaranteed to lose her.

Honestly, you're better off letting her go, anyway.
Things will never be the same, and she will never love you again like she should. Once they lose their love for you/-- it's gone for good.

Still hoping the best for you. But the best may be a new, loyal woman--- not your crappy wife sho you e got on a pedestal. Kick her as off that pedestal you have her on.


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## 3Xnocharm

jonprofeta said:


> I got a text from a random number saying that they don't know me but said my wife has been with Simone else. Have me his number and name. I looked it up and found out who it was. It was a person that she co taught with in another district. The became friends and it ended when they got to close and his girlfriend didn't like it anymore. I checked phone records and this number was all over. Confronted her and was calm about it. Told her I needed the truth and now was the time to be honest and come clean. I asked her who it was and she was like a deer in headlights. She went Pail. She tried to play it off like it was just a friendship and I came back saying now is the time to be honest and that I know almost everything. End result I don't know what I am going to do but if I ever did decide to stay and work on things then this is going to be really hard for me and is going to take a lot of time. Remember we have two kids together. I am on the fence of either divorce or possible trying to salvage whatever we can.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Jump off the damn fence and divorce her.


----------



## drifting on

Jon

First thing I would do is contact an attorney. Find out if you live in a no fault or at fault state. Regardless if it is a no fault or at fault state, file for divorce listing both adultery and OM as the reason why. Hint, divorce records are public records, your wife's OM will go ballistic as a cause for divorce since it can affect his employment. You simply have a friend request a copy of the divorce papers, then mail them to the board highlighting OM's name. One copy for each board member, and if OM is her boss, well then you have something golden. 

If you decide you want this marriage, then you do everything you can to lose it. Polygraph your wife, she nothing but lies anyway. Tell her you are going to expose her and OM to the school board, that should create a wee bit of tension in her. Tell her you are going to expose her to all your friends and family, and that she is not to contact OM. Tell her she has one chance to be honest, and that one chance will be verified by the poly. Take a day and go see her for lunch, ask her where OM is located and then call him to have you join them. Then tell OM that you plan to expose, and right at this moment a friend of yours is briefing his wife at this very moment. Tell OM if you even hear of him saying hello to your wife, you will make it your life's mission to destroy him within the legal limits of the law. 

Tell your wife to leave the home for two weeks, she can stay at her moms. At the end of two weeks ask her if she wants a divorce. If she says no, then tell her you will decide what you want in six months. Your decision should not be made now in my opinion, your still in shock from just finding out. Tell your wife that during this time she is to begin IC, and her actions will be measured and taken into consideration for your decision. 

Get into IC yourself, no MC as you have no marriage because your wife killed it. Text the number that texted you and request for all information that they have. Thank them for being a good person to have let you know, at least now you will no longer have a marriage that is a lie.


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## JohnA

This is a great site to get an idea of what the divorce and custody laws are in your state State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source


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## 3Xnocharm

Read this thread in CWI

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/372874-bs-long-time-update.html


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## Lostinthought61

You can't fix what you don't know, if she hold back, if she shuts down and keeps you away, you can not fix her, this is over until she is ready to take ownership for her crap and for this affair......otherwise if you status quo the shut your mouth close your eyes and accept what is given to you.


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## TaDor

jonprofeta said:


> With certain jobs that she had gotten that weren't good and made her unhappy our relationship was bad but when she had gotten a job that was good for her are they Chip always got better *now she's had a job where she travels an hour and a half to work and has to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning *and she's not appreciated where she is. I'm not saying that I'm a total angel and I didn't do anything to help this relationship crumble and it's not something that is happened overnight it's taken a few years to get this way. We saw it a counselor this past September and the problems that she had with me going into it was that she fell out of love with me and that me being forgetful whether it be me making sure the kids lunches were packed or getting them to school on time those were the biggest fears. *Canceling seemed like it was working but she also was carpooling with a girl where her husband was mentally physically emotionally abusive *he was a drug attic and alcoholic and this girl did not have a stable environment for herself. I don't believe she was the best influence on my wife not saying that she is easily influenced. How do I go about this to try to get her to see me in New light and not that I need her.


All of the sudden, she doesn't love you and wants a separation to think?
That and some other replies from you... this stinks of her having an affair / having sex with someone else. Separation is usually a process of leaving the marriage.

You need to find out what is going on in HER life... but at this point, it seems that your marriage is already on life support and she is yanking on the power cord to kill it.


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## TaDor

'I love you, but I am not INLOVE with you" = she is cheating. Everyone who is being cheating on - and things at home are going into the crapper and one of you is not talking - but becoming distant... its cheater lingo. It gas-lighting. "oh well, she still loves me - we just need to rekindle the IN LOVE part"...

Nope, at that point - having sex with you, she feels like she is cheating on her boyfriend (if she is in fact cheating). 

Just read your "in house separation" = mixed feelings. Gives her the ability to go out, date, etc - while you babysit.


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## straightshooter

jonprofeta said:


> I got a text from a random number saying that they don't know me but said my wife has been with Simone else. Have me his number and name. I looked it up and found out who it was. It was a person that she co taught with in another district. The became friends and it ended when they got to close and his girlfriend didn't like it anymore. I checked phone records and this number was all over. Confronted her and was calm about it. Told her I needed the truth and now was the time to be honest and come clean. I asked her who it was and she was like a deer in headlights. She went Pail. She tried to play it off like it was just a friendship and I came back saying now is the time to be honest and that I know almost everything. End result I don't know what I am going to do but if I ever did decide to stay and work on things then this is going to be really hard for me and is going to take a lot of time. Remember we have two kids together. I am on the fence of either divorce or possible trying to salvage whatever we can.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Jon,

Forget who is right or wrong. Quite honestly, we all hope we are wrong but not the case here. But right now my friend, you actually know nothing other than that she has been cheating on you, most likely from her reaction likely physically. But how can you make any decisions until you have some semblance of the truth, which you do not now have.

So in order to help you avoid any more pain than you are already in, I am going to tell you how to very quickly find out if she has any intentions of telling you the truth.
(1) get to an attorney tomorrow, and tell your wife you are doing that. At this point, you need to find out if she even gives a **** so no need to keep it a secret.
(2) if, and only if, she gives you the usual crap about all of a sudden realizing she wants you, then you tell her she has 24 hours to write a timeline from start to finish with nothing left out.
(3) once you get that, then you tell her since she is already a proven liar, she will now take a polygraph test to confirm that what she has written is true.

my bet is that when and if you get to number 3 she will resemble Casper The Ghost, and will refuse because she knows she is lying.

Now, you can ignore totally what I wrote, and beg her to tell you the truth, and what will happen is that unless that message came from the Om wife or girlfriend, your wife and him will be going further underground and you will be eating your heart out.

And last piece is leave your kids out of this. Using them to justify eating a **** sandwich is going to get you nothing. 

Now that you have caught her, you are in control if you want to be. or you can play the "pick me" game and have more D Days. And stay the hell away from marriage therapists until you are 100% sure you have the truth. You do not do therapy with someone actively in an affair, and she is.


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## turnera

The ONLY way to save your marriage is to act swiftly to cut her out of your life - she has to see REAL hard consequences and that you WILL drop her like a hot stone if she won't give OM up immediately.

Do not talk about ANYTHING until she's agreed to give him up and has written him a no contact letter. NOTHING. Anything else she tries to talk about, just say 'talk to my lawyer.' Scare the crap out of her and make her fear losing you. Nothing else will work with cheating wives. Please trust me.


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## Marc878

jonprofeta said:


> So you guys were right. She was involved in an *emotional relationship* with Simone else.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*oh come on man!!!!* Every betrayed spouse wants to believe it's an emotional affair because the truth is to hard to take. It's called denial of where you are. Shes not having sex with you because she's screwing him.

Wake up!!!!


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## Marc878

Don't make the mistake of helping hide their affair. Exposure to his wife without any warning ASAP!!!!

You tell your wife she'll just conspire against you with her lover to make you out a crazy jealous husband

Go look at your phone bill if you want a shock!!!!

Don't accept the blame for this its all on her.

Being a weak doormat at this time will put you in even worse shape as will making more excuses for her.


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## Chaparral

You have to wonder now about her getting terminated from her job and what really happened. You also have to wonder who the father of your child is. Even if you are certain you are the dad, you have to get your kids DNA tested. This shows you don't trust her as far as you can throw her. You also need to get yourself STD tested. She does to since she is around your kids.

Tell her parents what she is doing.

Separate finances and open your own bank accounts. Take the Explorer and let her drive whatever is left.

What state do you live in? This matters a lot.

If you do not react strongly, you will get taken to the cleaners and you marriage will be over.

If she cut you down or off sexually you can guarantee she is having sex with the other man one way or another.


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## Edmund

deleted


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