# Success stories with spouse who abandoned you?



## MiseryIsHere

My spouse up and left without a word. He has zero contact with me. I am left waiting..and waiting...and waiting. I am not here to look for another lecture about how I should not wait and should be moving on. There are things that I CANNOT move "on" or forward with when my spouse has nothing to do with me. My question for here is simply if there are any success stories here with couples who have gone through a situation like mine--where a spouse left without even telling you and stopped all communication?


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## PBear

Can't help with that, but how long has he been gone for?

C
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## doubletrouble

Any idea where he went, or why he left?


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## MiseryIsHere

Hes been gone nearly 6 weeks. I know he stayed with his parents for a while...he refused to come out of the house..but I dont know where he is anymore. He might be back there again, with other family, or has rented a place to live. I did not know why he left for sure until recently but I had assumed I knew the reason. His family and he and I had an argument a few years ago. I told his parents I thought their other son (not my husband) had a drinking problem. They blew up about it on me. We had been extremely close before that which was why I felt I could tell them that. They clearly felt I overstepped my boundaries. We became engaged about a year later and they were devastated. Long story short, this became a grudge that went on and on to the point where they do not even know me anymore and vice versa. I felt mistreated because I was talked bad about at our wedding reception by them, not "allowed" to sit with them at family functions, and they wouldnt even send Christmas cards to our house or put my name on them. I had tried a couple of times to resolve the issue. One time I tried calling them to talk it out but my husband was mad I was doing that-he prefers to pretend nothing happens-and I was hung up on. My second attempt was sending them all well-thought out Christmas gifts to try to mend the relationship a bit. There was no acknowledgment of the gifts to me by them. This is not everything, of course, but long story short, it became easier to just stop trying. My husband wanted me to just put a smile on my face and pretend nothing happened. I wanted to feel that he would stick up for me. He said he wrote them a letter in January of this year saying he wished they would show me that they were proud of me for my recent accomplishments..they never replied to it. Then, almost 6 weeks ago, and just two days after our wedding anniversary, he left a note while I was at work saying that he wished things didnt have to be this way and wished he could make both of us happy and I deserved better than this. He said he decided to move out. The divorce email came about a week later.


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## cdbaker

First, it sounds like your husband has some kind of serious attachment issue to his parents. My parents initially liked my girlfriend/then wife, then they hated her when things went south (or some of them did anyway) and now that things are better they merely tolerate her. I'm disappointed that is the case because I know it saddens my wife and disappoints her, but otherwise I could care less how they or anyone else perceive my wife. In the Bible, it says that a man is to leave his parents to be joined with his wife, that transitions his responsibility from his parents to his wife, establishing that SHE comes first.

Having read your other threads, and seeing that he really truly has not reached out to you at all, just deepens my view that his parents have tremendous influence over him. I struggle to imagine a man, especially one who is not engaged in an affair, being able to turn tail and walk away with no contact all at once like that, without an influential outside element to push it. If that is right, I'm guessing you might have even less hope than a lot of abandoned spouses... in most cases like this, the spouse leaves for their affair partner and that relationship usually doesn't work out, leaving a great opportunity for the spouse to "wake up" and want to return. If your in-laws have had a hand in orchestrating this however, well, it's not like that relationship is going to "not work out."

To answer your question, just do a search through this forum in the Reconciliation section. There are tons of stories of successful reunions, including some involving sudden abandonment I bet.

Only six weeks out, I don't see any reason to give up yet. But you've gotten some good advice so far. Focus on yourself. Stop reaching out to him. Improve yourself in all areas. Start (or continue) working out, get healthier, get some new clothes if you can, etc. Keep up your home, keep it clean and tidy. Go out with friends and be social, continue doing a lot of the things you always have done. Do well at work, keep an eye open for promotions or new better jobs even. It is easy to lose your self esteem in a situation like this and that is unattractive so do what you can to keep it up. Also, now is probably too early, but don't be afraid of opening yourself up to some casual dating at some point before long. (CASUAL. Most dating sites for example allow users to identify their relationship status as "separated")

I hope everything works out, and please do continue to keep updating!


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## Ms. GP

I think your hubby is playing by the typical alcoholic family moto. Don't think, don't feel, don't talk. They want you to walk around the elephant in the room. It sounds like they are incredibly dysfunctional and enmeshed. Unfortunately it sounds like there is nothing you cando. Focus in yyourself. You might want to check out some of your local ala non meetings too. You can't change him. Stop trying.
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## MiseryIsHere

Thank you for the replies. I do know what the Bible says about marriage. You could say that he is somewhat of a "newborn" into Christianity. He didnt seem to quite understand that due to the Bible saying to Honor Thy Father and Mother. Also, I can say that I while I did behave Godly in other areas of my life...I needed to show him that I could forgive his parents and work harder to resolve this family issue. Honestly, I had no idea how much it was clearly hurting him. He never said he was unhappy and he did regularly tell me he loved me and how much he loved being with me. The note he left me was so loving...most who have read it say he sounds extremely depressed. I believe that he felt he needed to pick between either me or him and I do believe that both me and his parents were at fault for that. However, he should have talked to us all very frankly and openly about how he was feeling and even a solution....not just walk out on me and shut me out completely. I know that he loves me and I do believe he does not actually WANT this but feels he has too. The thing is, this is SO fixable and he only needs to want to fix it and work towards us..not against us. I know everyone would be on board then to do so. Instead, what he is doing has been malicious toward me and I dont even know where his thoughts are at this point. Like Ms. Gp said, he really seems to be doing the whole "Don't think, Don't feel, Don't talk" thing. But he cant really avoid how he really feels about me, right? This is what gives me hope. Also, he has to be back to our city soon for his work. I hope this will influence him positively but it terrifies me to think how quickly a divorce might happen if he is trying to get it over with before all kicks in. I clearly don't know how quick divorce is and we live in a no-fault state. I firmly believe that IF I could just get him to talk, he would come back home and we would be able to grow from this. Of course, thats the trick...getting him to TALK.


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## Ms. GP

Unfortunately, he probably can force himself to not think, feel, or talk to you. You are trying to undue a lifetime of conditioning. You might want to read the book, Codependent No More. You have done so much already with him and his family. Let him come to you when he's ready, and be prepared to accept the fact that day may never come. Sorry if this sounds harsh. You deserve better.
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## MiseryIsHere

He should be back in our city fairly soon..which means he is a few hours away from his parents. I do hope this might help the situation.


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## cdbaker

We are to honor our mother and father and they should come first prior to marriage, but after marriage we can still do so without placing them first in the pecking order of who we are responsible to.

How soon are the court dates coming, and when is he scheduled to be back in town? I'm surprised he is able to be away from work for so long without it being a problem.


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## MiseryIsHere

He is a teacher so he has all summer off. Should be back at least here in there starting a week or so in August...and then completely once school starts...3rd week in August. As far as court dates go, I haven't got a clue. It hasn't gotten that far, to my knowledge. Hes been gone 6 weeks as of today. Emailed me in week 1 (ish) to to tell me he planned to file for divorce. He wont communicate with me.


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## whitehawk

Sorry about your sitch .

Did you figure out why he took off or has he told you since.
How were things with you guys the last few years ?

Anyway , dropped in hoping to find some R stories , no luck again . l've been messing round in three forums since we split , 9mths. Mainly this one though and heaps of advice and support believe me has all helped me through this and 100's of others so much .
Must admit though l'm often pretty downhearted about the lack of R stories in any of them , really disappointing for anyone hoping to R.

Goodluck


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## cdbaker

Oh, so hasn't actually filed for divorce yet? Typically you'll be served papers from the court by a police officer or attorney within a few business days of a filing, so I'm guessing he hasn't gone through with it yet. I'd say that is considerably good news. After all, if he is so certain of all of this, then why wait so long to simply get the process started??

whitehawk: I've seen a lot of stories if you go back a while. Mine is in there too, where my wife moved back home about two months ago after about three YEARS apart. Never got the D, and I never quite gave up.


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## whitehawk

cdbaker said:


> Oh, so hasn't actually filed for divorce yet? Typically you'll be served papers from the court by a police officer or attorney within a few business days of a filing, so I'm guessing he hasn't gone through with it yet. I'd say that is considerably good news. After all, if he is so certain of all of this, then why wait so long to simply get the process started??
> 
> whitehawk: I've seen a lot of stories if you go back a while. Mine is in there too, where my wife moved back home about two months ago after about three YEARS apart. Never got the D, and I never quite gave up.



Ahh that's great to hear cd , thanks and the best of luck to you guys too.
Yeah personally l don't think a yr or 3 is too unrealistic. lt's taken us each 9mths just to even mentally work through things a bit. l see big changes in my x and the old her surfacing just lately. l's like to R if it's the old her , don't want the new her though . So l haven't given up either yet.

Here's another one for us . My brother and his wife were always just an easy natural really well suited couple . Yet even they split when a whole series of lifes heavies accumulated over a few yrs and blew up.
They were apart two years but l'm happy to say they're back to their old happy selves again these days .


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## MiseryIsHere

Whitehawk...he left because of an ongoing dispute between us and his parents. My belief is that he felt so torn between the two that the morning after an argument, he decided he was done with me. He went to his parents house. I still have not spoken to him. I thought we were happy...I truly did. I knew we had this issue with his parents but that was our only real issue..it wasn't like we hated eachother and constantly fought. It is such a fixable issue..just takes both of us to fix and we both, and his parents, need to be willing. Honestly, if anything, I thought life in general for us was getting better...easier because we hard been working so hard on our goals and dreams and finally seeing the end to grad school and all that. We were excited (I thought) about the future. I cannot express how blind-sided I was to come home and find he left..and then no contact. Worried sick. I could not find any success stories either but then I started searching other websites that are Biblical based...lots of success stories there. Pretty inspiring, actually. I hope you don't give up on your spouse.
cdbaker...Apparently he is not filed then...which is a relief. I have recieved nothing. My understanding was that there was a 60 day rule of some sort before you can file? I have tried researching this but am not getting anywhere and no legal advice unless I pay big bucks. If you can give me any other idea of how this process works, I would appreciate it.


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## cdbaker

Close but not quite. Lots of states have a waiting period, but the waiting period starts on the day that you file, and typically every legal effort has to be made to formally notify (serve with papers by a lawyer or police officer) the other spouse as quickly as possible, typically within 48 hours or so. Even if that person is in another state, the papers are sent over and served by a local official. In my state the waiting period is 60 days as well, and that is only the earliest that a court date can be set. I think when I filed not long after my wife left back in 2010, the date was set about two months and three weeks out from the date the judge signed the initial divorce petition.

So yes, I'm pretty darn confident that unless you've been buried underground all these months, that you would have known by now if he had filed.

As far as legal advice, there should be some resources available to you, especially if you are lower income. In Kansas, we have Kansas Legal Services where people can go to seek pro bono services, discount representation, etc. and they direct people to local county-based organizations that can help too. With that said, don't go near a lawyer until you are certain that divorce is inevitable as it will surely end any chance at an R if he were to open up to it at some point.

Just curious, if he is a teacher, have you tried reaching out to the school to make sure he is still working there? If he has avoided you this much, I could see him seeking employment closer to his parents and not returning at all. Just a thought. If you call, DON'T alert his job/co-workers of these problems. Honestly I'm not sure how you could ask without raising some kind of concern, but perhaps you know a way.


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## MiseryIsHere

I guess Im confused. Im in Kentucky. Everything I read seems to say that you must live apart for 60 days, then file, and then there is a 20 day reply period when the respondent can reply to the paperwork? Everything I can find seems that this all happens VERY quickly as well, which is nothing short of terrifying.


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## cdbaker

Well, shoot, maybe I am wrong. That just seems really backwards as I cant understand how the state could possibly know that you both have waited the sixty days without some kind of step to initiate the process? In Kansas, you file first, the other partner gets served papers, and the court assigns a court date at least 60 days in the future. This way the court knows with certainty that the couple has waited 60 days since desiring the divorce. If you arent required to file first like that, how can they know if you waited 60 days?

At the first hearing, they hear the request of the petitioner (him in your case) and the respondent (you) to determine that conflicts will exist, like property settlement, parenting plans, possible protection orders, etc. or if further steps are necessary before any determinations can be made like if anyone needs evaluated by a professional, if court ordered therapy or mediation is in order, etc. A second court date is then scheduled, usually about 60 more days away or more. At either the first date, the second, or anytime really the judge can grant the divorce if the petitioner insists and the judge finds no reason to delay it.

Anyway, that's how it seems to work here. I know, with certainty, that someone cant get a divorce, start to finish, in any state, without first making every effort, with proof, to reach out to spouse to inform them to ensure they have an opportunity to respond/make their case.
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## MiseryIsHere

I was served divorce papers. My husband still has not spoken a word to me. His lawyer said he hasnt told him what was going on either and that he barely talks. Apprently there is a 60 day rule that you are supposed to not have sex for 60 days prior to them serving you papers. However, obviously, there is no way to prove that and my husband decided not to wait. Now that I have been served papers, I have 20 days to respond. I am still hoping that something changes. Nealry everyone i have spoken to-professionals included-believe he may have had a mental breakdown. Here I have been worried horribly sick-literally very ill with low blood pressure and the whole thing popping up-while he was divorcing me. Just devastating. The couple of day sbefore he left he was making plans with me, cooking for me, tellling me how much he loved me, everything.


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## cdbaker

Unreal, I am so sorry to hear this. You cando what you can to delay it if you like "request a continuance for example for more time to find a lawyer, build a case, etc.) But it might not matter if his resolve is to go through with it...
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## MiseryIsHere

The pain of all of this went through the roof when I got those papers. Just keeping waking up each morning with dread and worry. Facing each day is awful. I have to put myself into debt just to get a lawyer so my husband, who was walking hand-in-hand with me the day before I left and smiliing ear-to-ear, can divorce me. Ten years could be completely wiped over without so much as even speaking. If he does not return, I am being forced to quit graduate school and my job which I love. I lose my house and walk away with all the school debt. Losing him is so much worse though. My family and I supported him, loved him, and and embraced him and yet we have been shunned by him completely. He told others in his family and the people at his work that he was getting a divorce-before I even knew. These are ALL the same people he told just a couple of weeks before how much he loved me and bragged about me.


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## cdbaker

What a ***** this guy is... Sorry to be insulting to your husband...

Surely someday you and he will speak again. Probably post-divorce, but still, someday he will crack, the grip his parents have on him will loosen (or they will pass away) and curiosity will get the best of him. Perhaps you'll reconcile one day. It's ok to be open to that possibility, but at this point, you have to accept that the divorce is going to happen and move forward as if you'll never speak to him again. Again, that might not ultimately be the case, but you have to face the reality of the situation as it is right now... I'm really sorry.


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## LonelyinLove

Misery, how are you doing?


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