# Unemployed hubby acting like a child



## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

My husband of two years has been unemployed for 14 months. He was let go because he kept putting off getting his journeymans license and his boss finally let him go (liability issues if he kept him on). Since he and I had purchased a house the 15 months prior, he felt it would make sense to finish the remodel and collect the unemployment for awhile. I agreed since we were making two house payments (one for the remodel house and the other for the house we lived in) and getting the remodel FINALLY done sounded awesome!

Well, fast forward to present day - the remodel is still not finished. We moved in this past summer because we couldn't afford the two house payments with his reduced income. I've been living in a house without a kitchen or competely working bathroom (shower in one half done bathroom, toilet in the other - no sinks in either). His unemployment ran out months ago . . . so I have taken on a second job to try to pay the bills.

He hasn't looked for work at all. I have been applying online for work for him. The few interviews he had didn't pan out and his reaction was "Oh well, the hours were awful and the pay sucked anyway". He doesn't seem to realize that without his license, he is basically a guy with only a high school education. With the job market being so tough, people with Master's degrees are flipping burgers at McDonalds. 

I've asked him repeatedly to either get his license or get a job - ANY job - even part time. He says he will but so far nothing has happened. He isn't worried about the bills - he feels if things get really bad, he will go to his parents for money (which I DO NOT want him to do).

I'm working 60+ hours a week, taking care of the household chores, cooking dinners in my basement "McGyver" kitchen (two saw horses, an old door, a crockpot, electric skillet and toaster oven), no running water except the shower and toilet (doing dishes consists of a Rubbermaid container in the shower - wash hair, wash dishes, lather, rinse, repeat) . . . I'm at my wits' end. He's putzing outside raking leaves, helping his Dad fix the lawnmower, painting the garage door - almost anything except working on the kitchen/bath of the house. I've asked nicely, begged, pleaded, yelled, bribed, cried - even kicked him out of the house once! I can't get him to "man-up" and finish the house, get a job, or get his license.

What am I doing wrong? Any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation? I'm tired of taking care of EVERYTHING - it's like I'm the mother and he is the child.

Help . . . .


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Hes a loser. He doesnt care. Dump him.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Leave. Stop working two jobs. Let the house go. It's not worth your mental health to work 60 hrs. a week for a house that is not even finished. Stop paying all the bills. Call his parents, tell them what is going on, pack up and spend your money on rent. 

You can't force him to do what needs to be done. Take care of yourself. He needs some help. He's most likely depressed as well. I'm so sorry it has gotten this bad in just 2 years. Do you have any kids?


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

WoW!!!!!

Buy some fire crackers and set them off under his arse when he is napping?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> What am I doing wrong? ... I'm tired of taking care of EVERYTHING - it's like I'm the mother and he is the child.


You are supporting his worthless ass, that's what's wrong. Okay, you're tired of living like you're in a third-world country with the half-finished house. You are playing the mother. And he's the child who is milking this for everything it's worth.

Please give yourself the greatest gift you will ever deserve ... dump this piece of s***. Even in this rotten economy, he could get a couple part-time jobs. Why should he, when you are allowing him to sponge off you?


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

I have two kids from my first marriage. I don't want to go down the divorce road again . . . or screw up my credit and let this house get repo'd just to prove a point. Not only would I not be able to purchase a home for me and my kids again, I would lose all of the equity in the house.

Any constructive advice out there?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I stand by my comment that your mental health is not worth this. 

Can you go stay with his family? Until the house is done? Can his family go over there and finish the renos? He needs some help. Get his family involved, NOW. Tell them what is going on. 

There is nothing you can say to him at this point to make him "do" anything. Literally. There is NO magic advice you are missing. 

You cannot make someone do things you want them to do. 

You need to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and your kids. Which is what you are doing already. Working two jobs, paying the bills, surviving in an unfinished house. 

If you are not happy with your living situation, then either fnish the reno's yourself, get family to help with it, or leave. 

But if you think you can convince your husband to change... you might be waiting a long time. 

He needs some help.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

deejov said:


> Can you go stay with his family? Until the house is done? Can his family go over there and finish the renos? He needs some help. Get his family involved, NOW. Tell them what is going on.
> 
> 
> > I have no family (only child, parents both gone). His parents are both elderly and in bad health. Part of the issue stems from the fact that he lived with them until we married (he was 42 when he moved away from home for the first time) and they "baby" him. I have talked to them repeatedly about encouraging him to finish SOMETHING but they reply with, "He works so hard already" and "He's really trying".
> ...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

-Church, group of friends that could help with renos
-Send him packing, advertise for a room-mate, free rent in exchange for finishing the renos
-Ask his parents for the money to finish the renos and hire someone, then kick him out and sell the house
-get his parents to pay for the renos and just keep living like you are
-kick him out, you own the house. borrow the money from his parents and get it repaired. he can go live with them, and look after them since they need help anyways. sounds like the best option


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

What is the reason he kept putting off getting his license? How long was he warned he would lose his job if he didn't get one? Has this been a pattern with him previously?



> "Oh well, the hours were awful and the pay sucked anyway."


Although pay may be an issue to some degree, he needs to get a job regardless of the hours. I agree that he may be dealing with depression to have let his job go if he could have easily prevented it.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> I have two kids from my first marriage. I don't want to go down the divorce road again . . . or screw up my credit and let this house get repo'd just to prove a point. Not only would I not be able to purchase a home for me and my kids again, I would lose all of the equity in the house.
> 
> Any constructive advice out there?


The advice *was *constructive. It just wasn't what you wanted to read.

If you were divorced before, why on earth wouldn't you choose better the second time? 

You couldn't just sell the house? :scratchhead: People buy fixer uppers all the time, just like you did.

My husband was out of work for a year. Most people think that he was just lazy, but they don't know the effort he put in to find employment. Hubby is an engineer, yet he still applied for menial work-NOBODY WOULD HIRE HIM.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

WifeOrMother? said:


> deejov said:
> 
> 
> > I have no family (only child, parents both gone). His parents are both elderly and in bad health. Part of the issue stems from the fact that he lived with them until we married *(he was 42 when he moved away from home for the first time*) and they "baby" him. I have talked to them repeatedly about encouraging him to finish SOMETHING but they reply with, "He works so hard already" and "He's really trying".
> ...


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

Mr. Rightway: When he was a small child, the school put him in special education classes because he couldn't read. Several years later he was diagnosed with this new disease called "dyslexia". The damage to his self confidence, however, was already done. Although he is very intelligent, he still struggles with reading and puts off the testing for the license, IMO, because he is afraid to fail. I've given him every pep talk I can muster - no joy.

FirstYearDown: So it's my fault, huh? I should have chosen better? We dated for seven years before we married just so that I could be sure of this relationship. Maybe next time you can lend me your crystal ball so that I make a better "informed" choice. Thanks for the uplifting talk . . . . [that would sarcasm if you can't read the subtext]

deejov: The room-mate idea has possiblties . . . I'll have to ponder that one. It could work . . . thanks for the out-of-the-box thinking!


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

WifeOrMother? said:


> Mr. Rightway: When he was a small child, the school put him in special education classes because he couldn't read. Several years later he was diagnosed with this new disease called "dyslexia". The damage to his self confidence, however, was already done. Although he is very intelligent, he still struggles with reading and puts off the testing for the license, IMO, because he is *afraid to fail*. I've given him every pep talk I can muster - no joy.


There is no success without failure. Unemployment is a big blow to a man's self-esteem. I am not a fan of some of the advice to throw the man under a bridge. Despite his diagnosis he still held a job. How long was he at his former employer?



> I've considered throwing him out but I don't have the funds/capabilities to finish this house on my own. If I throw him out, I solely own a house with noe bath/kitchen. How is that better? If I move out, the house goes into foreclosure and I lose equity and credit rating.


If he is unemployed and won't get a job, he isn't bringing funds in anyway. If he is still collecting unemployment checks, that is likely why he won't take a job with low pay.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> There is no success without failure. Unemployment is a big blow to a man's self-esteem. I am not a fan of some of the advice to throw the man under a bridge.


I agree with this. Your husband messed up to get in this spot and is stuck in a crappy cycle. He needs to get a job like you said, but he is keeping himself from doing that. 

He has to man up. Unfortunately, you nagging or telling him again that he needs to get a job won't help. He needs to find it in himself. 

Getting a part time job at McDonalds or something will only make him feel worse.

He can do it.

The dsylexia thing can set the tone for a bad childhood and effect you in your life. HOWEVER, at one point, its time to grow up. I have a friend with dsylexia and self destructed his own life because he didn't want to fail. If it wasn't perfect, he would avoid and run and self sabotage. 

Keep trying to talk. Be supportive and not a sparring partner. 

Unfortunately, there isn't a ton you can do as he is probably pushing you away and sick of hearing about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> Hes a loser. He doesnt care. Dump him.


Yea, I tend to think this too.

You should have basic necessities with how much you work. Hell, I'd rather live in a hotel alone.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> I have two kids from my first marriage. I don't want to go down the divorce road again . . . or screw up my credit and let this house get repo'd just to prove a point. Not only would I not be able to purchase a home for me and my kids again, I would lose all of the equity in the house.
> 
> Any constructive advice out there?


Prove a point? So living like this is ok? We are giving you constructive advice, you chose not to accept it, that's fine. But then you really can't complain. 

Maybe kick him out, hire a handy man to finish things, then you can quit your 2nd job?

And i don't know why he isn't working...my husband was fired in September and started a new job in October.  Maybe that's not the norm...but any job would be good for your husband.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

Before he was fired, he had worked at the same place for 12 years. The boss threatened for years to let him go if he didn't get his license. I believe my husband felt that his boss was bluffing - guess he was wrong. It's no excuse but it explains a little bit.

The unemployment ran out months ago - no extensions available. 

If I could afford to hire someone to finish the house, I would've done that a year ago. The second job I took on only pays $8/hr and is seasonal . . . that will bring about $100/week after taxes. The wages from my full time job cover basic living expenses so nothing left over for emergencies, Christmas, etc.

I appreciate the opinions from everyone. I want to save the marriage. I'm not ready to just quit . . . those vows of "for better, for worse" meant something to me. I was hoping that someone out there had similar experience and could tell me what worked/didn't work for them.

At this point I'm leaning towards swallowing my pride and borrowing the $$ from the in-laws. They are big contributors to the problem, let them help with a solution, right? I also feel you are correct that my husband is depressed and I will ask him to seek help. I'll probably take my own advice and ask my doctor for something to help me with my mental health.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

mr.rightaway said:


> If he is still collecting unemployment checks, that is likely why he won't take a job with low pay.


Woops. Just re-read your first post and you say the unemployment ran out. I'd like to see him pursue getting the license on his own, but that could also be an area you can work with him on if done in a way he won't perceive as nagging; help him with getting the resources to be able to read enough to pass the test. You say you've talked to his parents about it. Maybe try working the dad a bit more to encourage his son to get a job. He lived with them until 42, so I'm not sure how likely that will be. I do like the idea of renting one of the houses out or getting a roommate.


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## AnotherEarthling (Oct 31, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> He hasn't looked for work at all. I have been applying online for work for him. (


You're applying for jobs online FOR HIM????? Pardon me for saying this, BUT THAT'S PATHETIC!!! Why are you doing that? Are you fulfilling some sort of codependent need by doing that? Is he your rescue project? STOP APPLYING FOR WORK FOR HIM ONLINE!!! That's just sad!

Look, I have been out of work for longer than 14 months. It's hard out there! I have a college degree. I have skills. I'm also an older worker. It's not like I didn't try. So I don't want to sound like I am casting judgement on your husband. But I fear the issue is not so much him at this point as it is with you. Applying for his jobs online sounds very very codependent. It think you are on to something with your handle name "wife or mother." You must be a sensitive smart person to allow that to come up to your concious mind from your subconscious. Maybe you would do yourself a favor if you got some sort of counseling for your need to rescue people.




YupItsMe said:


> Hes a loser. He doesnt care. Dump him.



And to you, That's just plain stupid.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You ARE acting like his mother. You give your husband no incentive to get off his a$$ because you are doing everything and controlling every negative outcome for him. Why would he get a job when you are working jobs for the two of you?

I understand that you don't want to get divorced again, but you also need to recognize that there are some fundemental problems in your marriage that you are contributing to. You are enabling your husband by doing everything for him.

I would suggest getting some counseling. His depressed, helpless behavior is not just going to magically disappear. And I am sure that his passive behavior and your controlling, compensating behavior has been a staple of your marriage. This is the perfect time to fix it.

My husband has dyslexia and a language learning disability that makes reading/language challenging. He also has ADD. He is very smart and graduated cum laude from a prestigious college and did it through hard work and perseverance. Nobody helped him. He still works his a$$ off to compensate for his dyslexia by studying vocabulary words, working on his writing, and practicing pronunciation of some tongue-tying words, just to keep himself sharp and articulate. My husband did not have parents there to rescue him. His father died when he was 2 and his mother was basically useless as a parent. My husband graduated from high school with a 4th grade reading level, thanks to a crappy school system and ineffectual, depressed mother. It wasn't until he learned he had dyslexia, got treatment for it on his own, that he decided to go to college. I tell you this to illustrate how people can make it on their own. My husband KNEW that nobody was there to bail him out, so he had to deal with his disabilty himself and go to college on his own steam. Sometimes people need to sink or swim. If you are always there with a flotation devise for your husband, he'll just continue to tread water.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, my husband has a similar but lesser issues.
He had leukemia for 10 yrs off and on as a child. Miracle child that is still alive, most kids died way back then. His entire family treats him the golden child. He was 20 before he finished high school. And yes, he has dsylexia as well, and has not ever completed a trade because of the reading and testing. So I kinda undertand this.

He was 38 when we got married, and has lived at home off and on over the years. But he seemed to be finally becoming responsible.

However, in a second, his family would assume all his financial responsibilities (poor baby concept) and I've had similar difficulties with him not "manning up" and taking care of things when it needed to be done. 

My husband doesn't have it IN him, yet, to do this. He is trying. 
(regardless of the fact that we are not going to stay married... he is continuing with doing what he needs to do to be a self sufficient person, for his own sake).

Yes, I agree that you need to do some tough love here. If you are committed to staying married, you both need to do a lot of work. On yourselves. 

What made my husband finally stop feeling sorry for himself and take some action? I told him we were done. I started packing. Although I am still in the house, he knows that I am leaving next month. For good. Other factors involved in this... but he is going to be forced to carry the mortgage or sell the house or lose it. And his family (especially his mother) have agreed to LET HIM FALL. He agreed to this. He's tired of having a sucky life. But he had to figure that out all by himself. So will your husband. 

If he does, great. If he doesn't, not your problem.
My advice to you would be to get a financial place where you don't NEED him to support you. Stand on your own two feet. Get a cheaper house, that you can afford all on your own. Get yourself to counselling, so that you have some hobbies, goals, interests of your own. And less stress. I know that is long term, but in the short term you are kinda stuck. 

As for his self esteem, until he is working don't expect it to improve much. If his parents carried him most of his life, he probably doesn't have the coping skills he needs. Literally. Doesn't mean he cannot learn... but is it REALLY your job to teach him? And how do you tell someone who is already depressed.. "you are being a loser". You don't. There has to be some free online stuff you can read to him. 
There has to be an employment program he could take or meet up with other people. Search the web. This has to come from someone else at this point. Good luck, hope things get better for you soon.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The other obvious step not mentioned yet...
I know you have no free time... but if you and the kids rolled up your sleeves and said "teach us how to help you, show us what to do" and if you got him motivated, talking to you, teaching you how to help him, that might get him moving.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> Mr. Rightway: When he was a small child, the school put him in special education classes because he couldn't read. Several years later he was diagnosed with this new disease called "dyslexia". The damage to his self confidence, however, was already done. Although he is very intelligent, he still struggles with reading and puts off the testing for the license, IMO, because he is afraid to fail. I've given him every pep talk I can muster - no joy.
> 
> FirstYearDown: So it's my fault, huh? I should have chosen better? We dated for seven years before we married just so that I could be sure of this relationship. Maybe next time you can lend me your crystal ball so that I make a better "informed" choice. Thanks for the uplifting talk . . . . [that would sarcasm if you can't read the subtext] I understand sarcasm. Nobody forced you to marry him and nobody is forcing you to stay...except you. It is *your *fault that you did not see the huge red flag, of a man living at home when he was in his forties. Who else is to blame for *your *choices?:scratchhead:
> 
> deejov: The room-mate idea has possiblties . . . I'll have to ponder that one. It could work . . . thanks for the out-of-the-box thinking!


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

So what I can take away from all of the comments is:

I am a codependent, controlling wife-turned-mother. I should have seen this coming and I have no one else to blame but myself. The solution to this issue is for me to pack up my kids and find another place to live that I can afford on my own. I need to leave my husband so that he will figure out how to finish the remodel and pay for our house somehow. Either he will grow up and be a man -OR- he won't and the house will be re-possessed. Assuming the latter, I shouldn't complain about losing my house, the equity in it, or my credit rating because it is all my fault for choosing the wrong man. 
Am I understanding everything correctly?


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Some of the other posters are projecting their past pain onto you, and while understanding yourself is not unimportant, you are wanting to protect your credit and home. In order to help with that your husband needs to get a job. We need to figure out why he lost his job and why he isn't getting another one. Your situation is understandable. If I'm making the right assumption, your husband was told a job that he had held for 12 years was going to be taken away due to a new regulation that he get a certificate in order to do the same thing he had been doing for 12 years. On top of that, it amplifies the fact that he lost his job due to his diagnosis/disability. 

Can you explain why you are putting emphasis on finishing the remodel (which doesn't produce income; income will in turn protect your home and credit) over him getting a job?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> So what I can take away from all of the comments is:
> 
> I am a codependent, controlling wife-turned-mother. I should have seen this coming and I have no one else to blame but myself. The solution to this issue is for me to pack up my kids and find another place to live that I can afford on my own. I need to leave my husband so that he will figure out how to finish the remodel and pay for our house somehow. Either he will grow up and be a man -OR- he won't and the house will be re-possessed. Assuming the latter, I shouldn't complain about losing my house, the equity in it, or my credit rating because it is all my fault for choosing the wrong man.
> Am I understanding everything correctly?


What I think you need to take away is this - you probably do have some issues with co-dependency. You would not have gotten involved with your husband if you were not. You probably do also have control issues and you are treating your husband like a child. If you do nothing else, you should get some therapy to figure out why you are with this man, how you can take better care of yourself and your needs, and how you can model healthy behavior for your children so they don't repeat your mistakes.

I have nothing but compassion for you because people don't intentionally put themselves in untenable positions such as yours. You have some really tough choices to make and you have some painful self-reflection to do, but in the end if you do decide to work on yourself, you will come out a stronger person. We all make mistakes in life. What is important is not repeating the same mistakes. 

I would try to talk with a lawyer, banker or finance professional to see what you may be able to do to deal with your financial situation. Filing for bankruptcy and renting an apartment with your kids is not the worst thing in the world, It might give you the breathing room you need. Kids don't care about houses. They care about having healthy parents and not having to deal with marital dischord and stress. 

The thing you might need to accept is that your husband is not going to change and it is a real possibility that you will lose your homes because he is not pulling his weight. You can't control him. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to tolerate.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

@MrRightaway: The remodel isn't important so much as it is constant source of contention. We are living in a construction zone. My husband says his "job" now is to finish the house. I argue that the house should have been done long ago. Now his focus should be on getting a job. He doesn't seem to agree . . . I feel he is avoiding getting his license, getting a job because of his fear of failure. 

@Laurae1967: I agree that I can only control myself. Seeing a lawyer seems like a good idea. At least I will know what some of my options are. 

Thank you both for the level-headed advice/replies. I truly do appreciate it.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

WifeOrMother? said:


> @MrRightaway: The remodel isn't important so much as it is constant source of contention. We are living in a construction zone. My husband says his "job" now is to finish the house. I argue that the house should have been done long ago. Now his focus should be on getting a job. He doesn't seem to agree . . . I feel he is avoiding getting his license, getting a job because of his fear of failure.
> 
> @Laurae1967: I agree that I can only control myself. Seeing a lawyer seems like a good idea. At least I will know what some of my options are.
> 
> Thank you both for the level-headed advice/replies. I truly do appreciate it.


He has already failed by getting fired. So I need to understand if he is looking at it as a failure due to his diagnosis, or from his hubris.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

mr.rightaway said:


> He has already failed by getting fired. So I need to understand if he is looking at it as a failure due to his diagnosis, or from his hubris.


I believe he has been afraid of failing the written test required to get his license. He took it once many years ago and didn't pass. He is very sensitive about the dyslexia and although he did some biofeedback actvities and has improved somewhat, he absolutely believes he will not be able to pass the written exam. Without the license, he cannot work in his field.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't care if I get flamed for my response, because other people's opinion of me is none of my business. Here it is: you came on here telling us about your living conditions. They are bad, to say the least. Your husband doesn't have a job. His unemployment ran out. He isn't trying to get a job. He isn't trying to get the needed license to be employed. You are applying for jobs for him. You don't like this situation. You want to make an effort to save your marriage. 

Go the library, go to Amazon, go to Barnes & Noble, where ever ... do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Yes, you ARE in the thoes of codependency. Like it or not, there ya go. 

This is a board with the full spectrum of opinions, personal agendas, biases, prejudices, and every other type of assorted junk that plays out in people's psyches. My mother used to say, "If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions."

Reality is not all that complex. We make it complex. You have a problem. Your husband appears to be causing anxiety. He may be suffering from massive depression. I am not a clinician, so I cannot diagnose him. All I can say, is you sound miserable and you want him to change. He doesn't need to change. Not for you. Not for himself. Not for anyone. 

Pick up Beattie's book. Being codependent isn't a dirty word. All of us suffer from it to some degree. You deserve to give yourself a break.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

WifeOrMother? said:


> I believe he has been afraid of failing the written test required to get his license. He took it once many years ago and didn't pass. He is very sensitive about the dyslexia and although he did some biofeedback actvities and has improved somewhat, *he absolutely believes he will not be able to pass the written exam*. Without the license, he cannot work in his field.


This belief needs to change. He has been dealing with this since childhood and he let down his wife from something that he feels is out of his control, and that will affect his behavior in other aspects of the relationship. Bottom line is he needs to get that license as soon as he can or find another suitable job. I don't know what kind of resources are available but if you have a local institution that can help him with dyslexia you can try that. Losing a job over a childhood complication would make you feel like...a child. With that said, he still needs to do the work that is necessary. Best of luck.


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