# He just asked me to stay? Advice?



## girltrax101 (May 6, 2011)

A month ago my husband asked me to leave because his 15yrld son said "her or me"....if you read my posts, you'll see I've begged, pleaded and hoped until only yesterday when wrote my "see ya later" cheque.
A half hour ago before going off to his mom's for dinner, he said, "could you stay up, we need to talk because I don't want you to go".
Is this some sort of headgame? He's watched me pack. He shot down my suggestions on how to make this work. He gave me money to leave. He asked me about my new place. He didn't come with me to my father's funeral last weekend. 
After all the humiliation I've felt while I begged him to stay, I put myself in a place where I thought "move on woman". Then he says this. 
I know YOU all can't tell me what to do, but anyone else been through this? Would I look like a fool if I stayed?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I would go, but make it clear this is not a final separation, but talks need to be had to sort out issues, and that is talks with a impartial 3rd party.

How far away are you moving ?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree with Crankshaw. You need some time apart to sort out things. Both of you see a MC. Hash everything out so it doesn't crop up on you a few weeks or months from now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

RUN far far away. This man is clearly unstable. I personally think he got off on watching you suffer and now that he got his "fix" he's ready to call the whole thing off until the next time. And yes there will be a next time.

My toxic radar is rarely wrong. My dad used to pull **** like that on my mom ALL THE TIME. He never kicked her out, never left, he just liked watching her squirm. He's psychotic and yes he liked to play head games.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you do stay, do so only you have put that check into an account with your name only, and it has cleared. By accepting the new offer, you don't have to un-accept the old offer, and then hope it will still stand if you need to leave (and haven't been asked to leave and thus him needing to pay you off to look like Mr. Nice Guy or whatever.)

He will have to come up with more $ for the necessary counseling, etc.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Wow, that's a tough one. My husband has formally broken up with me twice and came back to me saying "...maybe not."

This is the third go around hence the lawyer, etc. Just go into it with your eyes open. I was so happy to have him back I didn't fix a lot of core problems that eventually were our undoing.

Best of luck!!


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree, this guy sounds unstable. It's time to grow up and put on your big boy pants. If he is going to yield to a 15 yr old kid (who by the way is probably going through his own acting out phase) then he is never going to be able to concentrate on the person he should. You. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is damaged beyond the point of repair.


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## girltrax101 (May 6, 2011)

Woke up this morning with a clear mind...I simply know what I want in order to stay...2 things: 1. He needs to start telling the truth. You see, his mom and children believe I chose to leave him. He hasn't told them that he said he wants his son, so me and my daughter would have to leave. To them he looks like the hero by giving up our relationship for the sake of the children. 2: He needs to either jump off the fence and be a man, or stay on the fence and lose his dreams. I told him these two things, and asked him to think about saying these 2 things to them..1. "I love my wife, and it's disrespectful of you (his mom) to treat her like garbage. 2. "I love my wife, and you're (his son) being unfair to make me choose between you and her because you don't like house rules.
Those are the only two things he's got to be able to say to make me believe this is all worth fighting for. In return, I will accept the abundance of things it takes to live this lifestyle..with regards to our business. You see, because it's a greenhouse operation, from Feb-Oct we can't do the normal Spring, Summer, fall things I grew up with...ie: camping, hiking, biking, beach...and we're unable to leave the property incase something breaks down. It's a hard life, but we make up for it during our "shutdown" period...that's when we'd travel and visit. It was always hard for me to adjust, but I said I would work on that and be more understanding about it. Trust me when I say, there are not a lot of woman who would put up with this style of living, as it's very, very demanding.
All said, I told him to think about the two things that I needed to be done/said for me to stay and we'd talk this morning.
We talked, and he's unwilling to say to his mother "you're being disrespectful and you hurt my W when you come to our home and say nasty things"...he doesn't want to hurt her like that because he's afraid she'll stop coming by daily. He said he doesn't see the point in telling his children it's because of them that I have to leave, because they'll feel bad and that it's their fault. So, instead of me normally breaking down crying, I smiled and said "then why would I want to stay? it's clear you're willing to hurt me, and that it's ok to spare the children's feelings....then I walked away. I know hearing the truth hurts sometimes, but his 2 out of 3 children made the ultimatum and should take some responsiblity for that. It would have been a struggle for us for a while, however I'm confident that as these 2 kids matured as their older sister did, they'll see asking them to pick up their clothes was a normal parent/kid issue. What is he teaching them by saying "ok, I choose you 2, I'll ask her to leave"?
So my friends, I will leave with my head down because I realize he just doesn't love me "that much" and I will move forward and look forward to raising my head up again. Thanks SO much for your thoughts, know that when I read them all, I clearly saw what you all were saying and am painfully aware you are right.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Girltrax, You should just do YOU. Whatever decision you make, just make sure it is the best for you. You sound very healthy about what your needs and wants are and that is good. Take care, and maybe it is not right at this time, but by and by...who knows.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Whew...for a minute there I thought you were going to buy his BS. You sound very sure and healthier than I've seen you since this started. Good for you!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

As hard as it is, you need to leave. It doesn't have to be permanent, but you both need to clear your heads or else the same exact thing will happen.

While you are apart, maybe work on some C together to work through your issues. Clearly this problem cannot be solved on it's own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Good for you clarity is important. I decided last night I am going to have my new job pay go into an account in my name, change over my full time paycheck too. He can continue to pay the mortgage from his salary and our former joint account and I will pay the other things. What he does about the divorce doesn't need to change this stuff. No more shopping for him, no more asking him to eat over. I am going to pack up more of his stuff and move it to one closet so he can take it with him after he stays here next week while i am traveling. The things that make me sad need to go


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

staircase said:


> Wow, that's a tough one. My husband has formally broken up with me twice and came back to me saying "...maybe not."
> 
> This is the third go around hence the lawyer, etc. Just go into it with your eyes open. I was so happy to have him back I didn't fix a lot of core problems that eventually were our undoing.
> 
> Best of luck!!


*BINGO*

These short on and off breakups are NOT going to fix anything! It just prolongs the inevitable!

A separation of six to eight weeks with no or limited contact is essential because it gives both the spouses a chance to truly miss each other, and to do some individual soul searching to see where they contributed to the problems.

At that time they can start going out (initially on short dates) and discuss things. They need to talk about their problems and how to go about solving them.

Once they've come up with some viable solutions they can try and get back again BUT NOT until this happens.

Getting back together without resolving things as Staircase have pointed out DOESN'T fix anything. 

It just makes the situation worse and one or both parties could end up truly hating the other. The end result can be the point of NO RETURN!


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## girltrax101 (May 6, 2011)

Thanks for all the support....AGAIN!! I'm 38. My last relationship landed me in the hospital. I recieved councelling from that point on and made it on my own. If I sound healthy, here's why. This whole experience now took me back to my hospital stay. I reviewed and thought back to my old therapists and remembered the games both men and women can play. Everything I predicted would happened (although I still got "excited, nervous, stressed when he asked me to stay) when I got the cheque and said "ok, you've made your choice and I respect that"...has happened. It's very sad to have this experience under your belt, but it is going to save me from making another huge mistake in the future. I can't stay where I'm disrespected by key "players in the game". I can't live where a 15 and 18 yr old call the shots. Now, i can't live wondering if I could be tossed out again six months from now. Magnolia gal, no worries...I know what I want. I'll have days where I fall apart, but had he not played the game of "oh please stay, but this is how it'll work", I wouldn't have analyzed the true things I want to teach my daughter about love, life and happiness. If I stayed, I'd simply be teaching her, and in a sense myself, that it's okay for a kid to make an ultimatum of this magnatude.....and win. I would also be teaching her that it's ok for a man to kick you out...this is not ok. Making us believe we mattered, and then showing us how easily dispencible we are...isn't right.


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