# TossingThoughtsOut



## HurtingMoreThanWordsCanSa (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm going through a very tough time and don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My Wife of almost 11 years has recently told me she was leaving me. A little about myself and how everything came together. I was active duty military when we first met and I was gone all the time. We wanted a child right away, but I would not do it until I was done with the military. I retired active duty in the middle of 2006 and we had our little girl in the middle of 2007. Our life together I thought was great as we hardly ever got into heated discussions and talked very openly about everything.
She already had 4 daughters and a young man that she was widowed with before I met her. I love these children with all my heart and have from day one treated them as if they were my own. The little guy in the family has been diagnosed with ADHD and a slight case of Autism. We've worked with counselors and have been to family theorpy on how to better work with this little man. The biggest problem we have with him is he WILL not listen to his mom at all. He always listened to me, but when I was gone he wouldn't listen to mom at all and would drive her through the roof. While at theorpy they told the EX she had to discipline him in the same way I do (or somewhat close). She either can not or will not do it. I would put the boy at time otu and always explain to him why it is important to listen to his mom and others that try and help him.
Sorry about that, but I had to some what explain whats going on. Anyway recently the Ex told me she was leaving me. I had no clue anything was wrong and it completely caught me off guard. I've lost over 25 pounds in less than two weeks and I keep beating myself trying to figure out what I did wrong or why this is happening. I haven't not gotten into any arguements with her even after she told me this. But at the same time I'm sure she is tired of me asking why why why. I so need answers and she is giving me the same thing as everyone else is getting. "I fell out of love with you". I know with 100% certainty that she is not cheating and has not done it. But I still don't understand why.


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## HurtingMoreThanWordsCanSa (Feb 22, 2013)

Will I ever come to a point in time where "WHY" isn't important to me anymore? I love this woman with all my heart and I can't understand why this is going on. Why can't she just be open and honest to help me understand?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Love dies slowly when it's not being tended to. Quickly when a new toy seems like the answer to everything. You say you're certain that there is no other man, so then love died because it wasn't tended to. So, what went wrong. You thought you were tending to it, but what she needed was something else. She did you a horrible disservice by not telling you that she was not feeling loved by you. I don't know if you've read His Needs Her Needs go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and see if you can identify some gaps in perception.

No, I don't think you will ever stop wondering why and it is very cowardly of her to refuse to communicate her issues. I think maybe she's not being open or honest because she knows she's also to blame for allowing love to die and prefers to blame you. She doesn't sound like a very well adjusted person if she can't alter her parenting style to meet her son's needs. Any parent of a special needs has to first address how to meet those special needs and her refusal is actually quite telling about her ability to accept responsibility for her own happiness. having said that, it seems like these may be very dark days for you but in the long run, you're likely to find another woman who is all growed up and can be a partner/participant in a relationship and not just a recipient.


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## HurtingMoreThanWordsCanSa (Feb 22, 2013)

Thank You for the response Anon. Like I said before, I just wish I could understand why. The reason of Just falling out of Love doesn't make sense to me. I would have loved to know this a little sooner or at least given a me a chance that something wasn't right. I really need to stop telling her how I feel or asking her why because I'm sure she is getting tired of hearing it from me. But I'm having a hard time doing what my mind is telling me to do. I'm trying to follow my heart as I always have and its not getting me anywhere. I would do anything for her as I always have and am sure I will still do it. Even know my mind is telling me to fight for this to work. I am very very depressed as I said in original post, but I will fight through all this.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

From what I've read on other posts, people advocate men doing a 180 in this type of situation. Look after yourself, and be positive and upbeat towards her. If it's meant to be, she will come back if you stand strong in this manner. I haven't lived it, just read about it on TAM. Search for 180 threads, I guess.


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## HurtingMoreThanWordsCanSa (Feb 22, 2013)

Well, its been a week that her and the family left and I feel just as bad today as the day they went away. I can't sleep at night, and during the day I can't help but wonder what she is doing. Its taking everything I've got to not call her and tell her how much I miss them all. I just keep praying that the Lord will lead her in a direction of well being. I want to hate her but I can't do it because I know deep in my heart that something is wrong with her and one day she will figure it out. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to get through this and be able to go a day without thinking about her.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

HurtingMoreThanWordsCanSa said:


> Well, its been a week that her and the family left and I feel just as bad today as the day they went away. I can't sleep at night, and during the day I can't help but wonder what she is doing. Its taking everything I've got to not call her and tell her how much I miss them all. I just keep praying that the Lord will lead her in a direction of well being. I want to hate her but I can't do it because I know deep in my heart that something is wrong with her and one day she will figure it out. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to get through this and be able to go a day without thinking about her.


Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Be kind to yourself and try not to dwell on it. Easier said than done, I'm sure. While I'm not sure if this will help or not, perhaps if you imagine the situation was bad but different, in that your wife had passed away. You would have to dust yourself off and carry on and do the best you could in her memory. If you can behave this way, even though the circumstances are different, it might help put you in a better place. 

Did you read up on the 180's? I read this post today. Check it out, and try to find others as well. You probably will find them in the *Coping with Infidelity* forum. 

Why I CHOSE to Ignore the 180 - And The Result:

Here's another one that is a good example of a guy doing a 180. He seems to be on the right track. Even though your wife has left, if you practice this, there's still a possibility she may have a change of heart. Women need men with a backbone who are confident. Behaving this way (even if you don't feel it), will make you more attractive to her. And even if it doesn't instigate a reconciliation, you will feel much better about yourself and more able to handle your situation.

Ladies, Am I doing the right thing?


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