# I got this problem called arguing.....



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I have this problem in my relationship where we have fights that last days. It typically goes like this; she will get mad about something and react in anger. I will repeatedly try to discuss and or end the issue but after a certain period of time (typically about a day) I will lose my cool. Our fights are typically about things of no significance whatsoever. But once we enter into this cycle of fighting its always what is said and done after the issue that has the most negative impact on us. 

How do I end this dynamic?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

482 said:


> I have this problem in my relationship where we have fights that last days. It typically goes like this; she will get mad about something and react in anger. I will repeatedly try to discuss and or end the issue but after a certain period of time (typically about a day) I will lose my cool. Our fights are typically about things of no significance whatsoever. But once we enter into this cycle of fighting its always what is said and done after the issue that has the most negative impact on us.
> 
> How do I end this dynamic?


YOu stop. You close your mouth. You walk away.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> YOu stop. You close your mouth. You walk away.


You are right, I do need to get better at that. Living in the same house and being around her giving me an attitude chips away at my patience until I fight back.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> YOu stop. You close your mouth. You walk away.


With respect, that often doesn't work, it makes the other person even more angry. They will see it as "stonewalling". They will assume that if you walk away, it's an admission that you have no valid case to make. They will feel annoyed and frustrated. Walking away can be disastrous. Obviously I don't know if that applies in the OPs specific case. 

My advice, for what it's worth, is to try to find a time when there is no current fight in progress, and have a discussion about the cycle that you describe, where *without getting drawn into any particular case*, you agree that that cycle of fighting is a pattern that's a problem for both of you, and needs to stop. Make the pattern into your enemy, rather than seeing the partner as the problem. Each ask questions and figure out what you could do (not what the other could do) to stop that repetitive pattern. 

If the relationship is too aggravated for such a discussion ever to be possible, then I suggest Emotionally Focused Couple Counselling. (EFT couple counselling).


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> With respect, that often doesn't work, it makes the other person even more angry. They will see it as "stonewalling". They will assume that if you walk away, it's an admission that you have no valid case to make. They will feel annoyed and frustrated. Walking away can be disastrous. Obviously I don't know if that applies in the OPs specific case.
> 
> My advice, for what it's worth, is to try to find a time when there is no current fight in progress, and have a discussion about the cycle that you describe, where *without getting drawn into any particular case*, you agree that that cycle of fighting is a pattern that's a problem for both of you, and needs to stop. Make the pattern into your enemy, rather than seeing the partner as the problem. Each ask questions and figure out what you could do (not what the other could do) to stop that repetitive pattern.
> 
> If the relationship is too aggravated for such a discussion ever to be possible, then I suggest Emotionally Focused Couple Counselling. (EFT couple counselling).


Yes, there are times when literally walking away makes the other person angry. Or it can make them feel they have won.

None of that is in my control.

What IS in my control is how I speak, how I respond, and whether I continue the fight. And it's hard. I was married to a master passive aggressive word-twister who had to be right. When I stopped the dance, he claimed victory. It was excruciating to just let him think that. But in the end, my sanity and my understanding that my side of the street needed to be clean was more important.

So I stopped arguing with futility. I told him I felt the conversation was becoming harmful, and I walked away. Sometimes he followed me. In that case, I would ask for space respectfully. If none was given I went for a walk. Sometimes he ranted in the background about how I folded because I knew he was right. I read a book. I always offered in the calm to pick the conversation back up. Most of the time he said no. Sometimes he started right where the fight left off. Occasionally we would make headway.

I didn't offer that advice because I thought it would fix his wife or magically cure the marriage problem.

I offered it because the only person he can control is him.

I'll add this carefully. Almost without exception, I have found the person who cannot handle being asked for space when an argument gets heated and claims it is stonewalling is the person who needs to be in control and needs to be right. Because they NEED the argument to continue so that they can control it.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stop losing your cool.

Doing so is a choice. 

If you can't do it on your own, get into counseling to address it.

Stop painting the picture that it is entirely beyond your control.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

"I got this problem called arguing.....

How do I end this dynamic?"

Don't go to our "Politics and Religion" page!


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> "I got this problem called arguing.....
> 
> How do I end this dynamic?"
> 
> Don't go to our "Politics and Religion" page!


You lost me there...


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Learn to take constructive time-outs to find your cool head:

Tell her you are taking a time-out.

Tell her how long you expect your time-out to last. 

Tell her you will continue the conversation after the time-out is over and you've calmed down. 

Come back to the conversation once the time-out time has elapsed and you feel more calm. If you don't feel calm, the time-out was not long enough and start a new one.

Lather, rinse, repeat.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Yes, there are times when literally walking away makes the other person angry. Or it can make them feel they have won.
> 
> None of that is in my control.
> 
> What IS in my control is how I speak, how I respond, and whether I continue the fight. And it's hard. I was married to a master passive aggressive word-twister who had to be right.


Yeah, I agree with everything in your post. I'm guessing (correct me if wrong) that what you did, did not save the relationship, but may have saved your sanity. Obviously I can't know whether it could ever have been saveable. I am hopeing 482's situation is not as bad. That between arguments, there is some goodwill and reason on each side. Otherwise it comes down to little more than planning your exit.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When people argue about things that don't matter it's about something else. People who aren't otherwise pissed off don't usually get upset about mundane things.

You've got to get to the root of what the real issue is when you're calm.

I know that sometimes I'm just irritable and it has nothing to do with my partner.

Other times there is something else going on.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

482 said:


> You lost me there...


Sorry, just interjecting a little humor. That page gets some folks quite riled. It really has nothing to do with your situation as your arguing takes a different form. 

Ignore me and carry on with the more constructive comments on your thread.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, I agree with everything in your post. I'm guessing (correct me if wrong) that what you did, did not save the relationship, but may have saved your sanity. Obviously I can't know whether it could ever have been saveable. I am hoping 482's situation is not as bad. That between arguments, there is some goodwill and reason on each side. Otherwise it comes down to little more than planning your exit.


You are correct, between these arguments we are in great shape.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sorry, just interjecting a little humor. That page gets some folks quite riled. It really has nothing to do with your situation as your arguing takes a different form.
> 
> Ignore me and carry on with the more constructive comments on your thread.


:grin2: I get it now, not sure how I missed that. If you really want to get 90% of people revved up just talk about politics and religion. I can understand why the two topics were decided to be in on section, lol.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

482 said:


> You are correct, between these arguments we are in great shape.


Then what I said before should help. Demonstrate a willingness to talk about the pattern that's happening.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, there are times when literally walking away makes the other person angry. Or it can make them feel they have won.
> ...


LOL nice PA subtlety there

It is not required the someone stand there and continue to take verbal abuse or continue circular abusive communication.

But thanks for swipe at me and my failed marriage

You dont know anything about my story, but YOUR empathy and communication style is lacking.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> LOL nice PA subtlety there
> 
> It is not required the someone stand there and continue to take verbal abuse or continue circular abusive communication.
> 
> ...


Aargh. I don;t know what happened there, but I didn't intend a swipe at you. 
Certainly I know nothing about your story, other than what you had just posted, and I agree that it is not required the someone stand there and continue to take verbal abuse or continue circular abusive communication. My sincere apologies if I was unempathetic.

I think I need a bit of a break from the forum.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking we have discussed this before! So whatever you tried did not work.

Y'all have established an interactive dynamic that will be difficult to improve. You can change only you, not her.

You are REACTING to her instead of ACTING as you would choose. This is essentially giving her your power. She now knows that you will eventually cave to save your sanity. I'll bet she comes from a family where 'fighting' is the norm. 

Have you sought help from a trained third party? (I know someone who went to the bathroom and locked the door to avoid his confrontational wife on the advice of his lawyer. In the past, she had called the police on him. When he isolated himself instead, she beat on the bathroom door and threw things and said,"Come out and fight like a man." She was angry that she had lost control of him.

Refuse to go to war. My dear dad said, "It takes two fools to argue, why be the other one?"


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You both need to be honest with each other. Communicate!

I had a conversation with my wife about a month or two ago. I feared I’d gone too far. The next morning my wife thanked me for telling her. She saw a therapist a few days later and told the therapist, who said, “that's the reason people go to marital counseling, because they won’t tell each other the truth like that.”

Honesty is a good thing. Don’t be cruel but be honest. Eventually you’ll appreciate it.

If you can’t be honest and fight fair alone, sit with a marriage counselor. You may need a neutral third party to listen and hear you both.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Constantly arguing over stupid crap only means both parties really enjoy arguing and picking at each other. There's no other explanation for it.

You're admitting that you start the arguments by losing patience with her attitude and deciding to fight back. Are you 10 years old??? Stop acting like you just cannot control yourself, and stop blaming her for your lack of self-control. 

When you decide to act like an adult and realize arguing isn't even necessary, you'll stop starting the arguments. 

When you decide for real that you want to change the dynamic, you will change yourself in order to bring about the change in the dynamic.

And then, to avoid the arguments, your method of fighting back will become a matter of asserting your self-respect. If she walks around with an attitude that you find annoying (which truly is annoying and is just her passive-aggressive way of annoying you to draw your attention to her attitude), then all you have to do is say to her "I respect myself too much to allow you to disrespect me in this manner." To then avoid the argument that inevitably will ensue from you saying that, simply follow it up with "I would like us to talk about what's bothering you but only if we can talk and not argue, so let me know when you feel calm enough to do that" and then walk out the door immediately. Either leave the house or go into another part of the house - the bedroom, the basement, the backyard, out to your car, anywhere to remove yourself from her immediate presence. She won't like you controlling her like that, but it's necessary for you to assert yourself and demand respect without starting an argument or flying off the handle. When you say this, say it with concern in your voice - and not like you are commanding her - to let her know you genuinely want to discuss whatever is bothering her.

Rather than the "don't talk to me right now" or the "I need space right now" both of which are shunning, stonewalling, and controlling in a negative way, you leave the ball in her court to address her concerns with you whenever she's ready but only in a calm and respectful manner. If she comes after you yelling and determined to argue, say "Sweetheart, I really do want to discuss it, so I need you to calm down first so that we can" and again remove yourself from her immediate presence.

As long as you allow her to keep dragging you into her drama, those fights will keep going. But if you resist and refuse to allow her to drag you into her drama, the dynamic will change and she'll stop being passive-aggressive because she'll get the clue that it doesn't work on you anymore. The result will be a peaceful household for longer periods of time since it wouldn't make sense to think you and she will never again have an argument. But they will be fewer and farther between, and they won't ensue in the same way that they had been.

This is going to work, watch and see. But you have to do it the way I described, and you have to be consistent. Don't be so juvenile as to think or actually form your lips to tell anybody that you just cannot control yourself. It sounds ridiculous and it is ridiculous coming from a grown ass man. You can control yourself and by asserting your requirement that she respects you, you will control her too in very nice ways and for the better.

Now, all the two of you need to do is learn how to listen effectively, better communicate skills, and how to resolve your conflicts. A couple very simple google searches will provide thousands of results that help you learn how to do those. And the first thing to learn is when she tells you what you did/do that bothered her, do not - I repeat DO NOT - respond with "No I didn't." Again, you have to learn how to listen.

One almost surefire way to prevent arguments and improve your relationship overall is for you both to read and apply*The Policy of Joint Agreement*.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> Aargh. I don;t know what happened there, but I didn't intend a swipe at you.
> Certainly I know nothing about your story, other than what you had just posted, and I agree that it is not required the someone stand there and continue to take verbal abuse or continue circular abusive communication. My sincere apologies if I was unempathetic.
> 
> I think I need a bit of a break from the forum.


An argument in a post about arguments.....lol


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> I'm thinking we have discussed this before! So whatever you tried did not work.
> 
> Y'all have established an interactive dynamic that will be difficult to improve. You can change only you, not her.
> 
> ...


Her family and fighting is the norm 100%, mine is the opposite. We do see a therapist weekly and things have improved considerably. This long fighting still shows its ugly head from time to time, unfortunately.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

StarFires said:


> And then, to avoid the arguments, your method of fighting back will become a matter of asserting your self-respect. If she walks around with an attitude that you find annoying (which truly is annoying and is just her passive-aggressive way of annoying you to draw your attention to her attitude), then all you have to do is say to her "I respect myself too much to allow you to disrespect me in this manner." To then avoid the argument that inevitably will ensue from you saying that, simply follow it up with "I would like us to talk about what's bothering you but only if we can talk and not argue, so let me know when you feel calm enough to do that" and then walk out the door immediately. Either leave the house or go into another part of the house - the bedroom, the basement, the backyard, out to your car, anywhere to remove yourself from her immediate presence. She won't like you controlling her like that, but it's necessary for you to assert yourself and demand respect without starting an argument or flying off the handle. When you say this, say it with concern in your voice - and not like you are commanding her - to let her know you genuinely want to discuss whatever is bothering her.
> 
> Rather than the "don't talk to me right now" or the "I need space right now" both of which are shunning, stonewalling, and controlling in a negative way, you leave the ball in her court to address her concerns with you whenever she's ready but only in a calm and respectful manner. If she comes after you yelling and determined to argue, say "Sweetheart, I really do want to discuss it, so I need you to calm down first so that we can" and again remove yourself from her immediate presence.
> 
> As long as you allow her to keep dragging you into her drama, those fights will keep going. But if you resist and refuse to allow her to drag you into her drama, the dynamic will change and she'll stop being passive-aggressive because she'll get the clue that it doesn't work on you anymore. The result will be a peaceful household for longer periods of time since it wouldn't make sense to think you and she will never again have an argument. But they will be fewer and farther between, and they won't ensue in the same way that they had been.


This is not the first time I have been given this advise or read it. I just need to do it everytime and I would be lying if I said thats an easy thing for me to do. It will take work, I will **** up, and I will try again.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Two things come to mind, OP:

1. "Do you want to be right, or be married?" Often arguments ensue because one of more party wants to be right, no matter what. That attitude eventually erodes the marriage. Do either of you allow the other person's opinion stand unchallenged, especially when it is a matter of little importance?

2. There may be a power struggle in your marriage. This is linked to #1. In a loving marriage, neither partner needs to have control or power over the other.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

482 said:


> This is not the first time I have been given this advise or read it. I just need to do it everytime and I would be lying if I said thats an easy thing for me to do. It will take work, I will **** up, and I will try again.


Every time is most important--do not fall into intermittent reinforcement. Remember it takes more courage (and maturity) to walk away from a fight than to allow yourself to engage.

IMO: There was more power when I did not raise my voice, did not lose my temper. I also believed this was setting a better example for my kids.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

482 said:


> I have this problem in my relationship where we have fights that last days. It typically goes like this; she will get mad about something and react in anger. I will repeatedly try to discuss and or end the issue but after a certain period of time (typically about a day) I will lose my cool. Our fights are typically about things of no significance whatsoever. But once we enter into this cycle of fighting its always what is said and done after the issue that has the most negative impact on us.
> 
> How do I end this dynamic?


You mentioned below that therapy has helped, which is a positive sign; maybe she just needs to learn better relationship skills. 

But I wondered what are the types of things you fight about? I know you said that they have "no significance whatsoever" but be more specific...

Does she first make requests that go ignored? Or is she going 0 to 60 (so to speak), from silence into screaming as soon as something disturbs her? 

I think it may be helpful to get a _PRIVATE _journal and document how often you fight and what it's about. This helps to put things in perspective. Maybe this will help you see if you really have been responsible for some of the conflict, or if this is occurring despite your best efforts.

In my own experience, constant fighting can wear you down, and you start to forget how often it happens. or completely forget about fights from just a week ago, and tell yourself things have been better, while the reality is you're mentally suffering and adapting to a high stress environment (this is bad for your physical & mental health). 

How long have you been in this relationship? Are there other issues at work here (job related stress? health issues?) that could be leading to general irritability? 

To @lifeistooshort's point below, it could very well be about something else. Getting to the bottom of this could resolve a lot. Then again - if there IS no bottom - it could be that you're just in a relationship with a high conflict, or possibly disordered person. In that case, constant conflict will be the norm, and no amount of therapy, counseling, or conflict resolution techniques will really resolve anything in a meaningful way. 



lifeistooshort said:


> When people argue about things that don't matter it's about something else. People who aren't otherwise pissed off don't usually get upset about mundane things.
> 
> You've got to get to the root of what the real issue is when you're calm.
> 
> ...


I think you're right... but like I mentioned above, some people just fight a lot. Some people can't control their emotions, and minor or innocent misunderstandings are taken personnelly and provoke a extreme reaction. Some people get addicted to the feeling of control they get when they've got their partner reeling and reacting defensively to them, and this compensates for their own personal insecurity or anxiety. 

He mentioned that there is a lot of fighting in her family; this could be a sign of bigger issues, or it could just mean she had bad role models, but is otherwise capable of learning that there's a better way to resolve differences than fights.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StarFires said:


> Constantly arguing over stupid crap only means both parties really enjoy arguing and picking at each other. There's no other explanation for it.
> 
> *You're admitting that you start the arguments by losing patience with her attitude and deciding to fight back.* Are you 10 years old??? Stop acting like you just cannot control yourself, and stop blaming her for your lack of self-control.
> 
> ...


At no point did @482 admit that he started the argument. Having carefully re-read his posts it is clear that his wife starts the arguments and keeps badgering him, for up to an entire day, until she manages to trigger an angry response from him. She is a button pusher and knows which buttons to push until she gets her desired result. An upset and angry spouse. Who she then might see as an equal because, duh! all families argue, right? 

It sounds as if she has issues from being raised in an argumentative household to such an extent that she has difficulties relating to normal people.
@482 I think your wife needs therapy which would include anger management and also to learn to understand and respect your different approach to married life.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> At no point did @482 admit that he started the argument. Having carefully re-read his posts it is clear that his wife starts the arguments and keeps badgering him, for up to an entire day, until she manages to trigger an angry response from him. She is a button pusher and knows which buttons to push until she gets her desired result. An upset and angry spouse. Who she then might see as an equal because, duh! all families argue, right?
> 
> It sounds as if she has issues from being raised in an argumentative household to such an extent that she has difficulties relating to normal people.
> 
> @482 I think your wife needs therapy which would include anger management and also to learn to understand and respect your different approach to married life.


Yes he did say "I admit I start the arguments because she walks around with an attitude and I lose patience" - somewhat paraphrased but only a word or two. I guess you missed it before he changed it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> "I got this problem called arguing.....
> 
> How do I end this dynamic?"
> 
> Don't go to our "Politics and Religion" page!


Amen, er, uh..

Your are right, uh, um, not left.

I mean, Yeppir!

I can hold my own on Politics and Religion.

Some others have slippery hands, slippery thoughts and can hold neither, and they have not a leg to stand on.
I need not prop them up.

And those some others....they do not care.



KB-


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Continuing to fail at getting sucked into arguments, getting better at stoping them before they reach this point, work in progress....


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You are a man. You were raised to not show emotions or be emotionally vulnerable because its weakness. 

She is a woman. She needs the emotions from you to show her you love, value and care for her. But since you are programmed to not show emotions, and she isnt getting the emotional feedback she desires, she draws them out of you by nitpicking and then fighting.

Its fking exhausting as a man. I'm not sure a way around this. Its called the 'Mr Perfect and his Crazy Wife' syndrome. I'm sure family therapists make a fortune off of it though.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You are a man. You were raised to not show emotions or be emotionally vulnerable because its weakness.
> 
> She is a woman. She needs the emotions from you to show her you love, value and care for her. But since you are programmed to not show emotions, and she isn't getting the emotional feedback she desires, she draws them out of you by nitpicking and then fighting.
> 
> Its fking exhausting as a man. I'm not sure a way around this. It's called the 'Mr Perfect and his Crazy Wife' syndrome. I'm sure family therapists make a fortune off of it though.


Much the opposite with us... Showing emotions is an issue for her but has never been for me. I can speak openly about how and why I feel a certain way about a particular issue. She will feel something (original emotion could be insecure, hurt, abandon, etc.) but then come across with only anger (secondary emotion masking the original). It's very difficult for her to focus on and talk about the original emotion. This is often true even after she calms down, she prefers to not circle back and talk about the issue later, typically she will just ignore the issue and move on.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everyone is going to make mistakes over and over again. You need to learn not to take them to heart. I think in marriage we need to learn how to be the best apologizes in the world Bc we will always make mistakes. 
So here’s my advice when your wife gets mad...
Don’t take it personally.
Don’t get defensive.
Listen to her. 
If she is right, learn to say your sorry. 
Don’t make excuses for your actions.
Don’t bring up stuff from the past.
Learn how to admit when your wrong. 

If people just learned how to apologize right away it saves not only hours of fighting, but it makes your relationship better. Peace is better than fighting.


----------

