# I'm 16 and have no clue what I'm doing



## gabe (May 24, 2018)

Hey I know this is a marriage site and I'm not really married but I'm just throwing this out there I'm 16 and I've had my first official girlfriend for about 8 months. I've recently discovered that she has been raped 2 times is bisexual and has had sex with 3 other girls starting at grade 4 and has been with atleast 3 other guys, I'm being honest I'm kinda freaking out and I'm not sure how to cope like this is an abnormal amount of baggage is it not? I really don't know what to do or say or if I should break up with her I'm just really lost. I know that she loves me and this is the longest relationship she's been in but it's just too crazy. Please help,
Cheers


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sexual assault survivors can be great choices for a relationship if, and it is a big IF, they have found a healthy way of working through their trauma.

I'm not as concerned personally about her forays with other females at this point. Is she your age? Young people sometimes experiment and women generally have a little more fluid sexuality.

Has she received counseling? Did her attackers face justice? Are they still around?


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## gabe (May 24, 2018)

Hey man
I don't think she's just expirimenting cause like I said she's been doing this since grade 4 she is 17 a year older than me and no on the two separate occasions she was raped they haven't been faced. I will make sure that happens though. I'm really just lost and like I don't have a problem with gay or bi people but I don't know if dating a bi person is for me especially one who has had sex with 3 other girls I really just don't like imagining that you know


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Gabe, first question I have is how did you find all of this out?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Gabe, you'll be fine.

You're only 16 years old. This isn't the girl you're going to marry or spend the rest of your life with. She's one of likely many girlfriends you'll have over the next 10-15 years before you finally settle down with one. You're panicking like you've been fused to her hip until the day you die.

She's got a lot of issues but she's not your science project to fix. You can respect that she's definitely got unresolved issues, you can support her as her boyfriend, and you can encourage her to seek professional support but that's about it. You can't change her sexual orientation so you either have to accept it, or you don't.

But again, it's extremely unlikely that this is the girl you'll spend your life with so it's not the end of the world.


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## gabe (May 24, 2018)

I had my suspicions about her being bi and I just casually asked and she said yes but she also opened up to a lot of other stuff like the stuff previously mentioned.

So your saying if I can't come to terms with her being bi I should break up with her?

I also really wanna know I'm I wrong to be feeling this way about my situation? Like am I just being a close minded ***** or would other people feel the same in my situation

Thank you guys for responding


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

gabe said:


> I had my suspicions about her being bi and I just casually asked and she said yes but she also opened up to a lot of other stuff like the stuff previously mentioned.
> 
> So your saying if I can't come to terms with her being bi I should break up with her?
> 
> ...


Here's my take;

- She told you that stuff. If she's not crazy and lying about it, which there's not much reason to believe she is, that shows she has a LOT of trust in you, that's a good thing.
- As has been said, you are young and don't stake too much on the decisions you make now, just let it flow as naturally as possible.
- I know it feels like a bomb has been dropped on you but the reactions and feelings you a having a normal!
- I don't think many would blame you if you thought this was too much baggage but if this was me ...

... I would judge the relationship and my actions not on her past and what she has just told you but how you guys click and how the relationship actually is. If you love her company, if you guys have fun together and if she makes your life better, worth a smile when you think about her. Try to focus on the now and the future, not so much as what she has done in the past. It's good to keep it stored away so you know what to look for if things just don't add up or seem right in the future but if she makes you happy, focus on that! 

As a sidenote, I really hope she has or is getting counseling, that's a lot to deal with for just a short time on this earth so far.


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## gabe (May 24, 2018)

Thank you man this has really helped give me clarity, yeah I have really tried to get her councilling but she really doesn't want to, should I keep pushing or just leave it be


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

gabe said:


> Thank you man this has really helped give me clarity, yeah I have really tried to get her councilling but she really doesn't want to, should I keep pushing or just leave it be


If you have pushed it and made your case, that's all you can do. Leave it be.


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## gabe (May 24, 2018)

OK thanks for your help man


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Speaking as a child abuse survivor, her behavior and baggage is pretty normal for someone who was more or less fast-tracked too early in life. If she isn't pursuing counseling, she's probably found a comfortable balance in her life and is trying to simply live life as normally as possible. Her opening up to you show an immense amount of trust and may have even been a bit of a domino effect on her part with sharing as much as she did. 

Sometimes once one thing comes out, a lot more rises to the surface, so it might be good to keep that in mind moving forward. This isn't something that simply goes away, but a lot of survivors are able to compartmentalize and dissociate from their trauma for everyday life purposes. This means that it'll likely come up at odd points, or if she has any traumatic triggers, some of which may come across in a range from oddly disconnected to extremely emotional, but that's more long-term and this doesn't seem like it is likely a long-term partnership in that sense. 

You're completely normal and justified in feeling shocked and uncertain of what to do since this is new territory for you. As long as you're willing to be an open and kind minded friend to her, then there shouldn't be any reason to end the relationship. However, if you find yourself becoming drained or unable to carry on normalcy now that all of this has come to light, it would also be completely understandable and fine to ease off the gas pedal and slow things down. 

I am curious what you meant by stating "I will make sure that happens though" in regards to her rapists not having come to justice. Is this something that she has wanted to pursue and hasn't been able to, or are you simply reacting to what she told you?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@gabe, having had a rough childhood and dealt with childhood sexual abuse, I empathize with your girlfriend. And you. You're not a bad person for feeling the way you feel, in fact I'd say your concerns suggest that you're a very emotionally healthy/aware individual. I'd be very concerned if that baggage wasn't a red flag for you because it would suggest that you have a poor understanding of how these sort of experiences can impact a person's thinking, behavior and relationships.

I wish I had met someone like you when I was younger who would've said hold up, what you've been though is a big deal and it should not just be brushed aside. Unfortunately, you can't force her to get counseling. What you can do however, is to get her thinking about mental health without being obvious about it. That was my biggest problem when I was younger, I had zero understanding of psychology/mental health so I could not recognize that I needed help and that ignoring my abusive background would only lead to bigger and bigger issues later down the road. 

I'd recommend you gift her the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. As a female who's sexuality was skewed by an abusive past and poor sexual education, that book has done wonders for me. You can check out the reviews online from women to get a better sense of it but ultimately you'll be helping your girlfriend to have a healthy relationship with her body and sex after the trauma she's been through.

Good luck OP.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't make this harder than it is...

if you enjoy spending time with her, do so.

if you ever become concerned she's hiding stuff from you and it's causing you stress, have a conversation with her, and if you don't like the result of the conversation, then walk away when that time comes.

You're 16, just try and enjoy day to day life and don't hurry into adult problems before you need to.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Gabe, unfortunately alot of females are sexually assaulted. They deal with it in different ways. Encourage her to seek counseling.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Gabe, who she dates when she's not with you might not be so big of a concern as long as she isn't getting involved with them sexually (i.e. cheating) while you are together. So her liking women but not acting on it while she's with you really has no practical effect on your relationship unless it's just something you personally consider a deal breaker. At this point in your life you should be focusing on just having fun with her and if/when that stops then break up with her. Also, double up on birth control. You should use a condom and have her use something too like the pill. You absolutely don't want to risk an unwanted pregnancy at this age, especially since you know you aren't sure about your relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My advice: Yes, your gf likely has lots of major problems. You have already sensed this, which is why you’re asking.

You should not even consider a long term relationship with this person, but really shouldn’t consider that with ANY person at this age.

Why? Because even men 45 years old who have been through divorce and dating and life experiences—- not even they are always capable of seeking out a healthy person to have a long term rwjatiinship with.

I don’t know everything. All I have is my own experiences. What I have found about “bisexual” women is this......
They have lots of problems. Problems that cause constant stress in a relationship with anyone.

Enjoy her while it lasts. But don’t think stupid thoughts like she is with you for long term. It’s unlikely to happen.

You’re 16. Date lots of women. Learn how to pick healthy, loyal, trustworthy women to date. Watch carefully how they react in stressful situations. A healthy person can handle stress without exhibiting extremes in emotions. 

A lot of baggage? Sounds like it....


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

It's not baggage, it's history. Baggage is usually a derrogatory term used to describe children from a prior relationship. 

Some might be put off, I'm not sure I would. Depends if she looks like she's settling down and ready to have a serious relationship.

I'm not opposed to the thought of a 3some and a bisexual girl just might be more likely to make that happen.

So look at the pros AND the cons.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gabe said:


> Hey I know this is a marriage site and I'm not really married but I'm just throwing this out there I'm 16 and I've had my first official girlfriend for about 8 months. I've recently discovered that she has been raped 2 times is bisexual and has had sex with 3 other girls starting at grade 4 and has been with atleast 3 other guys, I'm being honest I'm kinda freaking out and I'm not sure how to cope like this is an abnormal amount of baggage is it not? I really don't know what to do or say or if I should break up with her I'm just really lost. I know that she loves me and this is the longest relationship she's been in but it's just too crazy. Please help,
> Cheers


Friend, from my experience with some people who have done/had done to them the same as your GF, it comes back to haunt them. Their relationships became dysfunctional. I'm not saying there are those that learn to cope and get counseling that works wonders. There are many. But, from my experience, acting out becomes a problem(cutting), drug use and deception demonstrated.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just have fun you're 16, it's not marriage. Don't get too attached and enjoy your youth. Also date as many women as you can now so you get a sense of what you like. Just do that with honor so you have no regrets.


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## gabe (May 24, 2018)

Thank you all so much, I talked with her today about my concerns and got her point of view on the matter. I will keep the relationship going and feel it out. Once again thank you all this has really helped me get insight and perspective on my situation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gabe said:


> Thank you all so much, I talked with her today about my concerns and got her point of view on the matter. I will keep the relationship going and feel it out. Once again thank you all this has really helped me get insight and perspective on my situation.


Be a good friend first at this juncture. Do not be a KISS(Knight in shining armor) coming to her rescue. Many in your GF situation truly need professional help. 

Hope it all works out for you and this young lady.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Keep reading on this site and see how the baggage a partner brings to a relationship/marriage can have life long and catastrophic consequences. Learn from other's previous mistakes and use that knowledge to choose a life partner wisely. At your age, you simply don't understand.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

My first thought when I read the thread title was, I'm in my sixties with grandchildren and I still have no idea what I'm doing. 



> I also really wanna know I'm I wrong to be feeling this way about my situation? Like am I just being a close minded b*tch or would other people feel the same in my situation


You are never wrong to be feeling what you're feeling. You don't have children together, you haven't made marriage vows, you haven't even made engagement promises. Nobody (I hope) has said "this is forever". I'm not saying you should leave, I'm just saying no blame attaches to you if you do. 

Obviously, anything that's been told to you privately, needs to stay private.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@gabe, stick with us on TAM and we will help you keep your stuff together.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Her trusting you is much better than deceiving you.
Keep communication open.
Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy for yourself. Don't be a KISS.
If relationship continues and gets more serious in a couple of years, have some very explicit conversations in what you expect in a marriage, ie - what positions, locations, etc, you would like to have intimacy in.

If you question why, read my bio. Was any abuse from a family member? Sometime abuse victims are ok with intimacy until marriage, then their partner becomes "family", and the triggering starts.

Work on keeping a good sense of self worth for yourself. Don't lose yourself in her issues.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You have received some good advice here.

I was married to a CSA survivor. Even at age 47, she had not achieved much "victory" over her past. She used to say "...we stop maturing when we start being abused....". I think there is a certain amount of truth to that....

But people can, regardless of how heinous their past may be, get to a place of mastery and put it behind them.
May God bless you richly for befriending this girl. 

While I very much agree that you should not become a KISA "rescuer", there is much to be gained by treating her kindly and pointing out her strengths and good attributes. You may find a wonderful person inside her.

I wouldn't worry too much about the "bi", either. Trauma causes people to adopt different kinds of "masks" which are not really part of their basic personality type. Also, some young people experiment with different sexual preferences before settling into a single modality later in life.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

No, that isn't probably the most typical situation you'll encounter. Her situation is kind of an outlier category. I'll be honest, I know when I was 16 everything felt life and death, it was so, so, so important but high school has been years ago and I don't see or keep in contact with anyone from back then. You marrying and spending the rest of your life with your first girlfriend at 16 is an incredible long shot. I dated several girls in high school and I never think about any of them now. Where am I going with this? Life experience will teach you in the upcoming years that there are LOTS of people out there and lots of girls you'll find attractive and have the potential to have feelings for. You'll learn that you'll have lots of choices in life and that you don't need to settle. 

Bless this girls heart but it sounds like she has got a TON of baggage and is probably really messed up and it will take her years to get through this stuff. Many women who've been abused will kind of go crazy sexually so if we visit this woman at age 25 I wouldn't be surprise if she's had 20-30 partners and lots of one night stands....etc. These assaults have kind of messed her up. 

I'd advise you to be a friend but urge you to look for a more healthy situation. You are too young to have to deal with this stuff. I know she's probably the world to you right now but that world will get a lot bigger in the next few years. Everyone thinks the girl they fall for is the one until it ends and a new girl becomes the one. This doesn't sound healthy. I really don't think you need to be with her. I don't think she needs to be with anyone, she needs to be in counseling and therapy. 

I'd advise ending this and finding something slower, more healthy, someone, something you can take slowly. 
At age 16, don't rush into sex and you should date inexperienced girl like yourself and someone with a stable background.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

gabe said:


> Hey I know this is a marriage site and I'm not really married but I'm just throwing this out there I'm 16 and I've had my first official girlfriend for about 8 months. I've recently discovered that she has been raped 2 times is bisexual and has had sex with 3 other girls starting at grade 4 and has been with atleast 3 other guys, I'm being honest I'm kinda freaking out and I'm not sure how to cope like this is an abnormal amount of baggage is it not? I really don't know what to do or say or if I should break up with her I'm just really lost. I know that she loves me and this is the longest relationship she's been in but it's just too crazy. Please help,
> Cheers


Leave her. Leaver her now - or you're going to regret it.


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