# Very complicated marriage, but I want to save it.



## Ira (Dec 19, 2010)

There is not a specific forum for my marriage issue, so I hope my posting it here is OK 


Hi, I am new here and joined for the purpose of hopefully finding some much needed answer to my marriage issues. Please allow me to give you the important facts and back ground.

I have been married 2 times before (isn’t the third suppose to be the lucky charm? ( lol ) I am 48 yrs old.

We have been together for over 13 yrs and married for 10. We have no children together. I have an adult daughter who has children. “My” grandchildren are treated by him as if they were his own blood, as is my daughter. I have no issues there. He is a perfect step dad and pap. There is nothing he would not do for these people. He adores them!

Before we were married I knew he had a tendency to be the type of man who after work believed his “job” was done once he got home. He would do the trash and pretty much the rest was on me even though I also worked at least 15 hrs a day seven days a week. Having been on my own before this relationship, it really did not bother me much, as I was use to doing it all myself.

Then he got laid off and decided to join me in my cleaning biz. We worked together pretty well. I did do more work then he did and at times it was an issue. However for the most part he carried enough work weight it was not a huge issue.

I also knew prier to marriage he was not the most sympathy person when I got ill or injured. He was a “suck it up” type person. Even though he ( like most men lol ) was a big baby when anything happened to him. Again not a huge issue most of the time. I did however get very upset with him when I needed rushed to the ER many years ago and had to have emergency surgery. Once he found that out, he left went home & did not see me again until it was time to take me home - 3 days later!

Then “it” hit the fan! I got injured on the job. I fell and when I did it was a domino effect and all my L and S disks in my back herniated and/or ruptured. Right from the day of my injury he was a total jerk! I finished that day’s job as he would not leave the job site. 
The next day we had an office job to scrub down all the walls and do the baseboards. He refused to do it alone. After the job was done I said “I need to go to the ER as I have no feelings in my left leg”. He was really upset that I wanted to go to the ER, but we went. When the Dr did tests ( MRI ) and came back in and told us all that was wrong with me and that I needed to quit working for awhile and give my back time to heal, he was really really mad.

Despite his anger I did quit for the recommend 6 weeks. The whole time he was a total jerk about it! Was just plain mean to me. 

Moving forward.
That was over 6 years ago. I did return to work, even though the back did not really heal. Over time my back got worse and worse and I worked less & less. During my bad times when it would flair up super bad I needed help even to get dressed. He did help me but with great anger towards me. He would do things at home that had to be done but only after a LOT of fighting between us. We gave up our country home and move to a complex that took care of all the maintenance with me hoping with all the extra work off of him it would help our relationship. This was his idea and I did not want to do it but did feel it was the fair thing to do. It did not help.

Finally from the injury and wear and tore my knees and hips were much worse as well. Very recently both my knee “blew out” and I am now in a wheel chair waiting for surgery after the holidays. 
After this happened our relationship got horrible!!! He refused to help me with anything this time. When I would ask for is help he would throw things and say horrible horrible things to me.

Finally ( yes I am slow lol ) it came to me that this part of him was never going to change. If I am to stay I need to find a new way to look at him & our relationship.

I want to stay in our marriage for several reasons. We share the same morals and values. He is super great with my family and is a huge part of their lives. Minus this issue we share a lot of the same likes/hobbies/movies and such activities.

I am learning to do things for myself and what I can’t do I have hired help to come in and do for me.

BUT I am sooooooo very very angry with him!! I struggle to do anything and he lies on the couch and watches me offering no help. I had to rearrange things in our home to allow me to get through it better/safer and he keeps moving it back. I keep telling him why I need it this way – it does not matter.

I need MAJOR back surgery but have been putting it off as I need a LOT of help at home after wards.

To further complicate this, he has been ill off and on and the Drs are pretty sure he has a major lung issue. The big C word has been used as a maybe. We won’t know until after some more tests. 

I know if we are to make it, I need to look at him in a new way and build a new type of relationship.

BUT

How do I rebuild a new relationship with this man who I am so anger with? Get over the anger I assume - but how? Where do I start? :scratchhead:


PS: no he won’t go to counseling.


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## kclqueens (Dec 19, 2010)

hi Ira, thanks for posting such a personal post. I am very sorry to hear all this has been going, especially as you are somewhat immobile and could do with an extra helping hand. 

I cannot comment on your marriage in a positive way, except to say that your husband does not appear to be upholding the "for better or worse" part of his vows. Can I just say that he sounds extremely selfish and needs a good kick up the butt, and maybe more to teach him a lesson.. hope that made u smile..

i think that first things first, and as someone in the medical profession, i would HIGHLY recommend you get yourself better, and worry about the lazy SOB later. Why not call up that adult daughter of yours and stay with her til your better, or kick your selfish husband out and let your daughter move in and look after you? If this is not an option, maybe get a fulltime nurse/helping hand around the house, but make sure you kick that husband out. I'm not saying this to be rude or to hurt you, but if he's not helping you in any way now, he might as well not be around after you've had your surgery. 

My first thoughts are just look after yourself..i mean, if you really do want to fix your marriage, then you wont be able to with a bad back and severe pain.

I hope you feel better soon, best wishes with it all. 

Please remember, you have a family behind you, so try not to feel alone. i really do this your husband is being an ******* and by the sounds of it, you deserve much better. you are also unwell and need someone to look after you, so do get that sorted.

best wishes again and lots of love.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Have you asked him directly why he gets this way when you get sick?

My wife is like this a bit when I get sick and the last time I had surgery it was like just forget about it! 

I asked her why she is like this and she said it's because she doesn't like seeing me sick and not my normal healthy self. She does it to the kids too. 

I think she does it because she's worried and all of her grandparents died of some sort of cancer or body shut down. I equate it to her shutting down that part of her brain to avoid possible hurt. 

Her other qualities make up for this, she works really hard at caring for the kids, working part time and running the home and kicking me in the pants when I get a bit lazy too. 

Read up on communication skills. My wife was a hard nut to crack when it came to talking about such personal issues like that and it took some easy handling on my part to get her to trust me enough to talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As someone who has a chronic back injury and pain, I can relate.

He is ignorant or disbelieving of your level of pain.

Some people can't perceive that despite looking "fine" that your injured back is a serious thing. He even discounts not feeling your leg!

You are not his pack mule. If you are too sick to do labor, then stick to your guns and take care of yourself.

Be candid with him about your physical impairment.

If he can't improve his treatment of you then out he goes.


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## Ira (Dec 19, 2010)

WoW!! The responses are not what I was expecting lol 

I have asked him why he acts like this and he gets really PO and says "act like what"? When I go into details it just turns into a fight. Bottom line is he KNOWS how is is acting and he acts like 
this as he is "lazy" - as I said I knew before we married. Just never thought it would go this far 

Back to the responses - I was expecting and looking for ways to deal with this and stay in the marriage 

I have no where to go even if I wanted out. Daughter, her hubby and their 9 children make for a VERY full house lol me going there or them coming here - there is zero room.

PLUS daughter has no idea how things are - she would be shocked!! 

I don't hate him - I am very hurt and quite angry and very very disappointed 

I have told him if this keeps up when I am better I may not be around - not sure if he believes me though as nothing has changed.

Oh he knows how badly injured I am - I use to "make" him go with me to all my appts thinking if he heard it from the Drs, he would see I was to making anything up.

I really am trying to get past this and find tools/ways/resources/ etc to build a new/different relationship with him - if it's possible


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Ira said:


> WoW!!
> Oh he knows how badly injured I am - I use to "make" him go with me to all my appts thinking if he heard it from the Drs, he would see I was to making anything up.
> 
> I really am trying to get past this and find tools/ways/resources/ etc to build a new/different relationship with him - if it's possible


You are confused only because you lack courage to stick up for yourself. 

A husband who cares for their wife and KNOWS of her pain and injury and treats her as you described is not a good husband.

You accepting of his behavior only encourages him to trivialize your physical problems.

You can insist on marriage counseling for the two of you and raise these issues there. But if he refuses to go?

You are stuck coping badly as you are now.

OR

Making this your line in the sand. 

Plan ahead, maybe your option is to stay in the house and he goes if push comes to shove.

BTW, first and foremost, take care of yourself and ensure that your back is getting better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow. So been where you are. I have 6 herniated discs that I know of, from the T-12 down to the S-2. I'm suspicious of my cervical area, but I don't want another MRI. Don't want to know any more. It is what it is, and it's not going to change. I had injured myself so badly once that when I finally got to the ER, I had to be catherized. Spent 2 weeks in the hospital and checked out AMA. The night I went down he never got out of bed...just left me in the hallway on the floor. God, just typing that makes me sick to my stomach, b/c I stayed with him.
Then HE had a back injury, and had immediate surgery. I'm not proud to say that I exacted some revenge. He'd holler for something to eat or drink and I'd pretend to not hear him. He'd holler for his urinal and I'd ignore it until he was practically screaming. Nope. Not proud of that. But I did it anyway.

I'm surprised that they would operate knowing you don't have a good support system at home. You're going to HAVE to have help. And it doesn't sound as though you're going to get it from him. 

All I can say is "what you see is what you get". He sounds incredibly selfish. You're not going to change him. I guess you're just going to have to keep doing things for yourself, and not expect anything from him. That's really too bad, too. You should be able to count on your partner when the chips are down. He should be glad he's not married to me.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but if you think it's bad now it will only be worse after surgery. Also, none of us are getting any younger so as you age and maybe have more health issues you will keep going through this over and over. What part of "for better or worse" didn't he get? I am sorry to be so blunt, but I don't see how you can work this out and stay in the marriage. He is just mean, selfish and self-centered. Trust me, I know how difficult this is. I am in a bad situation myself and have also been staying. But everyone is right, it will not get better if he won't go to counseling or even acknowledge there is a problem. I know it's easier to say than do, but you need to leave him and then you can start to get rid of your anger. Hang in there and do what you are comfortable with, but I don't think he will change.


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## kclqueens (Dec 19, 2010)

Ira said:


> WoW!! The responses are not what I was expecting lol
> 
> I have asked him why he acts like this and he gets really PO and says "act like what"? When I go into details it just turns into a fight. Bottom line is he KNOWS how is is acting and he acts like
> this as he is "lazy" - as I said I knew before we married. Just never thought it would go this far
> ...


hi again Ira,
I think the people who have posted in this forum so far really feel for you. but i think sometimes people can 'read' outside the box. i'm not sure if your husband believes u are in any pain at all, but if you say he does, then in my view that makes the situation worse. 

some people are just incredibly selfish, and we cant see them for who they really are until the going gets tough. i'm not saying divorce his ass, but i am saying look after urself... no one will do that for you really.

i really do think you should speak to your daughter tho. dont hide his character from the rest of your family. i understand he has a great relationship with your daughter etc, but tbh, that's not the real side of him, the real side of him is that exposed builder's crack lying on the sofa and ignoring you. women have this tendency to make our evil other-halfs still look like angels, but this really make us resent them more because we know what they are like deep down. why we do it? maybe to save ourselves from embarassment that someone we trusted and decided to marry could treat us in such a way. if that is you, Ira.. you have nothing to be embarassed off, your husband does.

i dont understand why he is being such a moron, all i can see is that you need some emotional and physical help. do u have a friend u could talk to if not ur daughter?


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## Ira (Dec 19, 2010)

hmmmmmm. Doing a lot of thinking here - your posts are forcing me to lol

The "funny" thing is he DID have a major back injury before we met, while he was still single and had a operation. he KNOWS the pain of this. His mom told me he was a total ass when he was in pain. His parents took care of him - he was 21 then, so yeah he knows!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

First, let me say that I'm sorry you are going through all this and I will be sending good vibes for a quick surgery with a quick recovery after the holidays. 

My Mother suffered from major back pain issues growing up. I never understood them but every now and then, POW this powerhouse of a woman would be stuck in bed on pain meds for a few days, sometimes for as much as a week. I remember being a teenager and hearing her call my Dad's name at 1am and rushing upstairs to find her collapsed in the hallway and unable to make it to the bathroom. It broke my heart. My father came and helped get her up and back to bed seconds after me and he always helped her. She's actually now in her late 50's and doing better than ever without a back issue for years.

Maybe your husband feels that you are a constant burden to the relationship? He feels that maybe if he ignores your physical issues that they'll go away. Basically, he's in denial and this is his way of dealing with it.

If I were you I'd have a big talk with him about the severity of the damage he is doing to you with his behavior. Let him know how hurt you are and give him a chance to genuinely respond. Perhaps you can jolt him out of his denial.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

when folks show you their true selves...BELIEVE THEM. Your husband HAS been showing you his true self. Its not normal for someone to be angry AT the hurt spouse. Angry at the circumstances of course. Your husband is cruel and selfish. If you stay another moment longer than necessary getting the ABUSE you are getting, then you need to go to counseling to find out why. If you saw a movie where someone disabled was yelled at, verbally abused, and NEGLECTED, you would be horrified, but you allow yourself to be in that very position. VERBALLY ABUSED AND NEGLECTED. If you were elderly, he could face charges for what he does to you


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