# How to help my DD handle mean girls/bullies



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

My DD is in 2nd grade in a private school. They are very strict about bullying, but bullying between girls is harder to spot and deal with.

There are a few girls in DD's class that are what I consider mean girls/bullies. They say they are friends with you, then they aren't. Then they are again. They tell my DD that if she plays with another kid, they don't like it and they get mad at her. They do things like tell my DD that they don't want the friendship bracelet that she gave them, that they threw it out the window.

To me, this is bullying. I've tried to encourage my DD to avoid these girls entirely, that she should be friends with the nice girls who don't do this stuff. It's hard, I'm sure, as I suspect they kinda run the show among the girls in her class right now. 

The principle told me that she's had to intervene with two of the girls who were purposefully being mean to each other, comparing what each kid has. Who has an American Girl doll, who has an iPad, etc. I don't know the outcome of that discussion, but things seem no better right now.

It's affecting how my daughter feels at school. She says she's stressed out and sad about all of it.

Any advice? I hate it for her.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

The first thing I would say to do is avoid them. Then if she has to interact with them, make sure she does not show she is hurt by them(no reaction). Bullies want power and it's not fun for them if the child they are bullying shows no reaction or has an opposite reaction to what they want(still smiling instead of upset). 

Sometimes I feel like private schools are more difficult in regards to mean girls than at a public school. I went to both and was more ridiculed at the private school growing up, so if it ever became a huge issue, I would pull my child. 

Sad that this starts so young. Hopefully it will end soon.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Anonymous07 said:


> The first thing I would say to do is avoid them. Then if she has to interact with them, make sure she does not show she is hurt by them(no reaction). Bullies want power and it's not fun for them if the child they are bullying shows no reaction or has an opposite reaction to what they want(still smiling instead of upset).
> 
> Sometimes I feel like private schools are more difficult in regards to mean girls than at a public school. I went to both and was more ridiculed at the private school growing up, so if it ever became a huge issue, I would pull my child.
> 
> Sad that this starts so young. Hopefully it will end soon.


Thanks. I've told them about not reacting to bullies, but she may not see this situation the same way. I will let her know, although it's hard for someone so young to not react. She has an emotional personality, so she feels a lot. 

I think it comes down to what the parents teach their kids. The parent of one of these girls is definitely the type to look down her nose at others. Seems the apple fell right next to that tree.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is the hardest part of parenting. What your daughter is going through hurts, her and you. What you describe however is not bullying. It is relational dynamics that our social kids have to learn to navigate and its up to us to teach them those skills.

Please understand I am not at all minimizing how much this is bothering either of you but I urge you not to make an issue of this and instead teach your daughter the skills to let something like this roll off her back. She needs resiliency skills in order to navigate social situations. We all need resiliency skills, right? Through out life we all have to cope with d!ckish bosses and b!tches at work, nasty sh!ts who live next door and rude SOB's on a daily basis. If we fail to learn resiliency skill, we fail to learn how to cope with life. 

What you can do is teach her to recognize how she feels. If she talks to someone those girls disapprove of, what does that say about what kind of friend she is if she stops being nice to other people on the orders of "friends." What's more important to her, the favor of these girls or being the kind of person you are raising her to be? How can she respond to them that neither escalates nor submits their ire? How is a girl supposed to be friends with someone and not sometimes feel a little jealous or possessive of that friendship? How does she want them to treat her when she is friendly with others? How does she treat them when they are friendly to others?

My favorite rule of thumb for girls is to never sit with the same girl every day. Switch things up often and make friends with everyone. You never know when the mean girls will get to you so much that you need some space and so you need to always have other safe friends who also accept you.

Try not to cater to her angst over this. While you certainly shouldn't ignore or minimize it, you also don't want to make her feel like you're worried about this.

My oldest is 27 and was horribly bullied in middle school, this was before Mary Piffer's Reviving Ophelia came out. I had no idea what to do and I made every mistake in the book! Since then I've seen girl bullying come into the spot light and now the word bullying is used when it should not be.

Bullying is consistent targeting of harassment and intimidation to one person for no reason at all. While the girls in your daughters class sound like they could be bullies in training, they aren't there yet.

The teacher needs to made aware of what's going on and address it as a classroom rule. Encouraging friendships, encouraging talking things out, teaching skills with the motto "if you want a friend you must first BE a friend."

Your daughter will always be exposed to other kids with lousy parents, you can't change the parents, you can't change their kids, but you can teach your daughter to be herself in all things.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I have had some very serious issues with bullying in the past with my son. It was to the point that the police became involved. Their advice? "Let it go because it will only get worse". Millions spent on anti bullying here and that was their advice. My advice to you is the opposite. Hit it hard now before these kids start to think their behaviour is normal and acceptable. Document both your discussions with the teacher and principal. Possibly even get them to sign off on a log that you had a meeting about "these issues". That way they cannot act surprised later on, trust me, it happens. Follis up on the consequences for these kids, often parents who donate to the schools get more "understanding". 

Telling your daughter to avoid these kids is good, but those kids will often seek her out. I would look into a voice recording pen for school or possibly a pin for her coat or bag. That way you will have evidence if something ever happened. 

Before anyone says I'm overreacting, I'm not my son has had knives thrown at him, choked physically, choked by cords, punched, pushed, spat on and best up while being video taped and put on the internet...twice! He is now in grade 11 and has been bullied since kindergarten.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> What you can do is teach her to recognize how she feels. If she talks to someone those girls disapprove of, what does that say about what kind of friend she is if she stops being nice to other people on the orders of "friends." What's more important to her, the favor of these girls or being the kind of person you are raising her to be? How can she respond to them that neither escalates nor submits their ire? How is a girl supposed to be friends with someone and not sometimes feel a little jealous or possessive of that friendship? How does she want them to treat her when she is friendly with others? How does she treat them when they are friendly to others?


I absolutely love this advice.

I don't have children, only my own experiences to draw from - but I wouldn't think that avoidance is necessarily the way to go. I'll readily admit that I may be naive about it as I've not had to guide a child through this but if she can learn to listen to her own feelings, to stand by what she feels and believes and learn to lead with that, then chances are she'll be stronger for it. Or at the very least, will be able to face herself in the mirror and begin to develop a sense of what she's about.

There was a group of us, all friends, aged 11. It became known that one of the girls' mother was a lesbian, living with her partner. One girl in our group took it upon herself to judge this and not only turned against the friend but turned the group against her too. Or, the group went along with it because they were fearful of losing their place in the ranks. I still liked her, didn't know what the problem was, and admittedly got into an argument with this girl over it before choosing to leave the group to sit with my friend. I valued one good friend over that group dynamic. Thing is, a few other friends then drifted our way asking if they could hang with us. I wasn't the one who was bullied but I also wouldn't stand by and watch or encourage that behavior. 

There were those girls that would walk into class and demand someone move because they were sitting in 'their' seat. The person always moved. They tried it with me. Hell no, I wasn't moving. Find another seat. That was the first and last time they attempted those shenanigans with me. I don't have the answers, I simply know that for those mild scenarios, learning not to care what others think and standing up for myself, was the key to keeping both my chosen seat for that class and perhaps my self respect.

At a young age, it can no doubt be confronting and conflicting whether to go along with the crowd, or who's approval to seek. I think the kind of questions that Anon has raised are really good considerations that speak to a broader sense of self.


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