# Appropriate or not



## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

My wife has a friend of the opposite sex that she has known for a couple of years. When he lived close by, they basically had an EA, which I confronted her about and they stopped. I got access to everything, and I am confident it did not escalate. He has since moved to CA, which I am grateful for, but there are times I read her facebook chats with the man, and I am not sure if I am being sensitive, or if they are still in an EA. They talk maybe once a week. Here are the comments I am not comfortable with:

On his wearing pants on a summer day:
"Denying the women of CA a chance to look at your legs".

His comment to her
"You know my wife isn't comfortable with me chatting with beautiful women like you."

Last comment from her:
"It helps me get you out of my head."

Am I being sensitive or is this a problem. Even if he does live in Cali...

I should mention she is very loving to me at the same time. Promises eternal love, calls me her soul mate, tells me I am perfect and she would never even consider leaving or cheating on me...


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> My wife has a friend of the opposite sex that she has known for a couple of years. When he lived close by, they basically had an EA, which I confronted her about and they stopped. I got access to everything, and I am confident it did not escalate. He has since moved to CA, which I am grateful for, but there are times I read her facebook chats with the man, and I am not sure if I am being sensitive, or if they are still in an EA. They talk maybe once a week. Here are the comments I am not comfortable with:
> 
> On his wearing pants on a summer day:
> "Denying the women of CA a chance to look at your legs".
> ...


He asks.

Sir, the man isn't living in Cali. He's living in your wife's head. Where you should be instead.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

It's a problem. This is still an EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

YA its a problem.
Your old lady is more emotionally invest with another man then her own husband.

So when was the last time you got a compliment from your wife.

I would contact his wife and inform her that you just found out the she was'nt comfortable with her husband talking to other women and you just wanted to inform him that he was.

Don't say a word to your wife...she will find out soon enough and then you can address her reaction.

Phuck that guy..let him know he is screwing with the wrong guys wife.

And tell your wife you have no intention in controling her...she has a choice to except the protection you offer in the marriage or she can move out.

See chicks like confident guys...don't let your old lady emotionaly black mail you. I think you let her continue contacting this guy cuz your affraid she will leave you.

I also have a sence that she is lossing more and more respect for you each time she gets to contact her boyfriend.

I'm guessing here but your wife might have enough self respect to toss your ass out if you were pulling this crap. I imagine she is thinking very poorly about you right about now...after all she is getting away with this crap right under your nose.

Hell there were no consequences when this happened before why do you think your old lady is going to change now?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If your wife would not be having this conversation in front of you then it breach of trust. 

When you caught her in the EA before did she agree to go no contact? if not that should have been part of the deal.

It should not matter the miles between them she can have inappropriate communication from anywhere. It would not make it right.

So you have checked FB but have you checked phones and email? You need to find out as much as you can and then set your wife down and tell her knock it off or get out.

You sound a little to passive about boundaries with your wife. How deep was the EA before? sex chat, picture, or was he more of a confidant?


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

He was a confidant, but it crossed to romantic (not sexual) overtones.


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

I do not know his wife at all.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

They had an ea and they are still facebook friends, they still talk??

Seriously?? Did she have ANY consequences for the ea??

She either unfriends him and cuts ALL contact, AFTER sending him a letter of no contact, and then she becomes 100% transparent with you, gives you access to all emails, phones, facebook...does NOT delete any messages until youve read them...OR...do the 180 and start the divorce...she is STILL cheating if she is still in contact...their messaging might have gone from nc-17 to pg-13, but there is still an affair going on...very very sorry you are here


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

Also, their conversations are 99% innocent talk about kids, hockey, and fitness. I'm no where close to starting a 180!


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

he's a stay at home dad, they met at swimming and hockey lessons for the kids.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Hockey27 said:


> Also, their conversations are 99% innocent talk about kids, hockey, and fitness. I'm no where close to starting a 180!


you are way to passive about this. I would confront your wife tell her she has crossed a line. She needs to sever ties and let her know this cannot ever happen again.

In a marriage there should be clear cut boundaries such as no personal relationships with om, no flirting, no girls nights out and such. 

By the way my wife started her PA with FB chat. I would bet many here have a similar story.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK that is good to know SAHD, get it cut off now!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

mahike said:


> you are way to passive about this. I would confront your wife tell her she has crossed a line. She needs to sever ties and let her know this cannot every happen again.
> 
> In a marriage there should be clear cut boundaries such as no personal relationships with om, no flirting, no girls nights out and such.
> 
> By the way my wife started her PA with FB chat. I would bet many here have a similar story.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is where it all begins. Cut the head off and burn it so it wont grow back again Hercules!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I quess my point here was its time for you to establish boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed.

Dude you do under stand that I'm not a newbie here and read this crap all the time?

You do understand that this is how it all starts????

Its not what they talk about it the connection they have when they talk ...these conversations should be going on between you and her not some @ss wipe trying to get in to you old ladies pants.

Sure he is across the country but believe me this is how this crap start and how two people bond.

This is not healthy for the marriage...your looking at a train wrech waiting to happen and yet you continue to let your wife bond with another man with out any consequences.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

H27, you have been around for over a year...you gotta know thIS....TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

you need her to re-establish boundries NOW...before she meets some other stay at home dad to talk about all the things she SHOULD be talking about with you, and this one might live down the street or a mile or 2 away, and then its coffee...lunches...playdates...oops he kissed me...he touched me...full blown PA...nip it now or just clip off the nads and wait for the next one...or for THIS current EA to escalate and she all of a sudden wants to go visit a "friend" in LA...nip it now...she is like a kid breaking small rules to see where the boundries are...dont wait until a large rule is broken


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

I signed up last summer when I discovered the EA, have been absent since. My gut tells me I am being overly sensitive - she puts a ton of love and energy into us and our family. She is loving, compliments me, and always tells me how much she needs and loves me... I'm gathering that I am not being too sensitive, and need to talk to her about this dumb a$$


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It is inappropriate. Your wife is investing significant emotional energy in another man and this man happens to be a former emotional affair partner. 

You are being way to passive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in denial. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would not be upset?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Am I being sensitive or is this a problem. Even if he does live in Cali.._.

Problem. You are not being oversensitive. The SAHD has all day to plan his approach.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This is not going to turn out well for you. You are going to kick yourself so hard when you realize after the fact everyone here told you to pay attention and you did not. 

Clay


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## Hockey27 (Aug 13, 2012)

I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. * I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...*


No. Any conversation/communication with an AFFAIR PARTNER is not "fine".

Thats what this guy is. Not a "friend" or "aquaintence"....it is a male she had an emotional affair with. He is an affair partner. 

Give it a few months - things ramp up very quickly between people who had an emotional connection at one time. Especially if they are reminiscing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


Find a way to get in touch with the other mans wife this is not appropriate in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

May I ask about the QUANTITY of the conversation? While the tone itself may seem innocuous in most of the messages, you need to also look at how often they are talking. Is she expending more time and energy on her communication with him instead of you? That is also inappropriate!

The fact remains, she should have zero contact with someone she already had an EA with. I don't care if he's in another state, country or planet. If her thoughts are with him and not you...that's wrong. As a woman, I'm telling you that she is having a relationship with this man. What are you going to do to stop it?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Absolutely it's inappropriate. Especially since it was already an EA. She never had to end her addiction.

The only way out of an EA is NO CONTACT. Not limited contact, not "platonic" contact. Not supervised contact. NO CONTACT.

This relationship is not in any way good for the marriage. The other man is living rent-free in your wife's mind and heart. You cannot allow that to continue, because the "real" you has to compete with the man she imagines the OM to be.

This will not end well for you, Mr. Nice Guy.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

bryanp said:


> You are in denial. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would not be upset?


In fact, turning the tables is about the only way to get a WS to see what they are doing is inappropriate. Asking my wife if I did the same things with a woman from the office that she did with a male co-worker, how she'd feel, was finally the first ray of light that reached her through the fog. Before that, I heard "we're just friends" until I was bleeding from my ears.

This guy's wife needs to know what he's doing. Send her copies of the communications. That'll end things very quickly.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I find it hard to believe that anyone who has read any of the hundreds of threads available in this forum would post about his wife having an EA and still allow them to be FB friends. And he still hasn't really answered why he allowed them to stay in contact after this discovery.

As they say in the Dragon's Den. I'm out. Good luck to you OP.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I signed up last summer when I discovered the EA, have been absent since. My gut tells me I am being overly sensitive - she puts a ton of love and energy into us and our family. She is loving, compliments me, and always tells me how much she needs and loves me... I'm gathering that I am not being too sensitive, and need to talk to her about this dumb a$$


That conversation you posted between her and the om would have my wife out in the cold. You are a doormat right now. Read your own thread. Listen to yourself. It is sad to read what you write. Your wife is feeding his ego and he hers. This is not a healthy relationship and they both know exactly what they are doing and you not liking it and his wife not approving makes it more fun and exciting, if you continue being a push over you will lose her to someone.
Make copies of their conversation and post it on facebook and ask your friends and family their opinion. See what happens then. Make sure the OM wife is one of the people that gets a copy of the conversations.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


Hockey I don't think you get it. Forget about the vast majority of the conversation - there should be no conversation! Why does your wife feel the need to communicate with this guy ? Does she not have (female) friends nearer home ? Does she have no other outlets for her thoughts and feelings ? This is definitely not normal and certainly should not be acceptable. Even if she appears to be the perfect wife at home. I understand that you need to find your own way to stop this/break it up without sounding paranoid/possessive etc. However, what everyone is telling you, whatever way you choose (and you have probably read about a few on this forum) you have got to stop this now. And that's not all. You need to find out why she does it. And also you need to somehow warn the POS off! Without coming across as clingy/needy etc. I might even ask him how is wife is doing and join in the social banter by asking what she thinks of the issues he is discussing.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


Wow. None so blind as he who will not see.

I promise you, this will escalate. You think putting your foot down will appear controlling, and for a little while, while she sulks and pouts and withdraws, you will seem like that.

But when her fog lifts and she sees you did what was necessary to protect your marriage and family - that you value it enough to risk pissing her off - you will earn something you don't have right now - her respect and admiration.

Here's simple question, and it should tell you everything you need to know about how deep it is, and where you really stand:

*If you told her today to stop all contact with this man - forever - just because you are her husband and you find it unacceptable, would she?*


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

Well I'll tell you one thing, if my woman had any EA and I found out about it I wouldn't let them contact each other through any means and that includes Facebook.

Your choice.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> From your other thread regarding the EA:
> 
> "The chat log showed so much more - promises of trying to get a weekend together."
> 
> ...


I totally agree. It's one thing if you stumble upon an active affair and want to gather evidence. But when you have the chance to stamp it out before it even gets to the point where your family is at stake, WHY in the hell would you hesitate?

I mean, why, *other than fear?*


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

If she's chatting with someone she had a previous EA with, you need to stop it. I can't imagine when you confronted her originally that it was no big deal. 

Well, she's talking with THAT person.
END IT


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are making a mistake that you will come to regret.

She had an EA and is still in it because you have not demanded NC.

There must be NC.

You should expose to OMW.

I'll repeat that if you don't do these two things now, you will regret it.

You are afraid of appearing to 'overreact.' You need to stop being afraid and start working actively to save your marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats the thing I don't get.
An EA has already been established and yet you reward your wife by not confronting her.

How can you share your wife....AGAIN???????

Something tells me that they stop communicating through their current MO real soon and then you may have lost her completely.


I mean if she knows your tracking I highly doubt she will let you see the "I love you" and the "I miss you"

Did you ever get the book "not just friends" it might do the both of you some good.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I could bang my head on the desk.

Every single Nice Guy husband comes here with a cheating wife and thinks they should reinvent the wheel, because his situation is so very different.

Damn the obvious and the advice; full speed ahead.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

My humble opinion...

Being "ok" with them maintaining any form of contact after the original EA was discovered was the biggest mistake here. HUGE mistake.

Yes their communicating now is a problem and inappropriate. He is in your wife's head.

Your saying that your wife is very much fully committed and invested into you and your family, and that their communication is so infrequent, is the only thing keeping me from suggesting that you address this immediately. Unlike a few other posters here, I really get the impression that you have a pretty small iceberg that hides beneath the information you have, not a big "Titanic killer" iceberg. You'll have to understand that for most people who come here with concerns, they have often waited until the evidence is pretty substantial, their ability to fool themselves into thinking happy thoughts is fading, and their "gut" feeling is usually right about infidelity taking place. For those situations, "waiting it out" and "giving her more time to make sure" is almost always a bad approach. I do think your situation is a little bit different.

With that said, I would definitely stay vigilant. It's unfortunate that you didn't prevent this situation back when the EA was discovered by simply insisting on NC, which would have been totally reasonable. Now it will be much more difficult to address without strong evidence. Stay alert, monitor any chat for another month or so, and then talk to her about it calmly. (Assuming this doesn't become worse than it is)

Again, just my two cents.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


In time the proportion of fine to sketchy conversation will be reversed. If there is anything going on here (seems at least likely) it will escalate.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Philat said:


> In time the proportion of fine to sketchy conversation will be reversed. If there is anything going on here (seems at least likely) it will escalate.


It's already begun:

"My wife doesn't like me talking to beautiful women like you."

Who says something like that innocently?


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Dude...Seriously!?!?

Back in the mid 90's, before I'd even heard the term EA or knew there was such a thing, I was deeply engaged in exactly that with an "old high school friend". She lived 500 miles away, but I would talk to her for hours on end on the phone 3 or 4 times a week while the wife looked after our two babies in the other room.

Oh sure, it was all inoccuous crap about life in general and I'd laughingly tell my wife exactly what we'd talked about when it was done. 

But eventually my "friend" started subtlely pushing for more. Wanted to spend time alone when she came to town. 'Surely your wife would be OK watching the kids while we went for a drink or something and caught up in person?'

Fortunately my wife bumped hip really quick to this. I can remember clearly her standing there with one of our kids in her arms and flames in her eyes saying "How the hell would you feel if I did the same to you?"

Marriage is an "all in or nothing" game. I realized at that moment what a complete d!ck I was. What I had been doing was hedging my bet and mortgaging time and energy that rightfully belonged to my wife to do it. 

She was right. I would not have tolerated the same from her.

I cut off all contact with this woman. A few years later at my 25th Grad reunion I ran into her alone outside the venue. She wagged her butt at me to show me the big wine stain that she got from sitting in a puddle of it and then said "How come we never talk anymore?"
I said "I don't know, why do you think that is?"
She said "I think your wife is 100% to blame"
I said "She's not 'to blame' for anything. She's 100% my wife."

Please.*Listen* to and *act* the advice you're getting from the people here.

You *know* it's 100% correct.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

let's assume for the moment that she never sees him again.......I.e physical affair impossible. She still is showing you and your marriage major disrespect every time she goes online with him. Do you see that? She had (has) an emotional/romantic attachment to him. Unless yours is an open marriage you are the only man she should have that kind of relationship with.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I signed up last summer when I discovered the EA, have been absent since. My gut tells me I am being overly sensitive - she puts a ton of love and energy into us and our family. She is loving, compliments me, and always tells me how much she needs and loves me... I'm gathering that I am not being too sensitive, and need to talk to her about this dumb a$$


If your gut told you that you were being overly sensitive for real you wouldn't have gone to the trouble to sign up here...keep checking her communications...post about it now.

She is maybe more loving and sweet because he's far away. So it's the flirty fun escape (and she's less likely to feel guilty since he's far away). But he feeds her ego and fills a need and space in her heart and head you aren't. 

I used to think EA's were BS. Until one threatened my 24 year marriage. Shut this down.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> My wife has a friend of the opposite sex that she has known for a couple of years. When he lived close by, they basically had an EA, which I confronted her about and they stopped. I got access to everything, and I am confident it did not escalate. He has since moved to CA, which I am grateful for, but there are times I read her facebook chats with the man, and I am not sure if I am being sensitive, or if they are still in an EA. They talk maybe once a week. Here are the comments I am not comfortable with:
> 
> On his wearing pants on a summer day:
> "Denying the women of CA a chance to look at your legs".
> ...


I'll take the liberty to rephrase that for you OP:

"My wife can go ahead and be uncomfortable for all she wants. If you were ugly and unattractive this conversation wouldn't even take place.. HA! Lies. Of course I wouldn't mention it even if you were, I just like the thrill or the possibility of some free banging. I don't mind your looks, I mind my male ego and the thought of bragging to my friends how I totally trophied a married woman. Since you seem to have no boundaries, I'm going all in, and will likely succeed. I'm a player and I need to come up with some decidedly impressive quote, and you are supposed to like it and respond in kind."

Sorry to be blunt at this point, but this post was not intended to give some heads up about how a player works. It was intended to give you some low-down on your wife's dumbassery.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's inappropriate and it is still an EA. 

I would let his wife know/ without telling your wife or this guy first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> His comment to her
> "You know my wife isn't comfortable with me chatting with beautiful women like you."


"Dear his wife, It has come to my attention..."


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

OP what happened? In the last page of the other thread you said NC had been established.When did you find out about it starting up again?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Well here is why he won't take action. From his other thread, MORE THAN A YEAR AGO:

"OK, folks, the advice is solid. I'm stunned by how adamantly consistent it is. I believe my wife. I think she believes herself, but everyone's opinion is that I need to "nuke it" and tell her no more contact with this guy, and I need to contact his wife. Do I send her the inflamatory chat log? *My wife is going to be so ANGRY if I do that - I always back down to her anger.* I need a strategy for her anger and my always weak response."

Dude you got the same advice over a year ago. And then they broke NC on top of it.

Spineless appeasement doesn't work. By now you know that. 

My only recommendation now is to please pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. 

Best of luck to you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

TBT said:


> OP what happened? In the last page of the other thread you said NC had been established.When did you find out about it starting up again?



If they both violated NC that is your answer. Seriously do nothing and you may as well make her a set of earrings with the family jewels. 

I know that was rude but you need a wake up call.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Well here is why he won't take action. From his other thread, MORE THAN A YEAR AGO:
> 
> "OK, folks, the advice is solid. I'm stunned by how adamantly consistent it is. I believe my wife. I think she believes herself, but everyone's opinion is that I need to "nuke it" and tell her no more contact with this guy, and I need to contact his wife. Do I send her the inflamatory chat log? *My wife is going to be so ANGRY if I do that - I always back down to her anger.* I need a strategy for her anger and my always weak response."
> 
> Dude you got the same advice over a year ago. Spineless appeasement doesn't work. By now you know that. Best of luck to you.


Well it doesn't work for him. But she's happier and more loving as a result.

OP seriously, if you want to bathe in this mess and become a better doormat. You aren't in the right place for that. You are being played. This guy could be one of many. She could have someone local to hook up with. You are so deep in denial and wanting to downplay this you wouldn't know. 

If you want to keep your wife, you are a man not an ostrich. So get your head out of the sand!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


Think hard about how illogical this statement is.
The vast majority of the time they slender together is innocent.
All but the few minutes they are having sex.

Not trying to hurt you only show you how ridiculous your justification is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

H27 

Did you expose the EA to the OMW when it occurred last year? Bet you didn't. If not do it now. Tell her what happened and that you want to ensure it doesn't happen ever again. 

As for the 99% innocuous, suppose they each exchange only one nude photo each for every 99 innocent posts, would you be okay with that? Because that's the next step. And it won't be 1. Not at all. 

Lay the law down. You're married for christ's sake!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I don't think anyone here is being mean for the sake of being mean.

My posts may be harsh but I don't think we check in here to coddle each other and add yet another lie to the pile. So saying "hey relax, it's all fine" would be easier to hear. But it's bull and we all know better.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Obviously you have a serious problem wth her still having contact with OM if you came back to TAM after a year...And you should have a problem with it. Its so inappropriate. This isn't just some male friend...IT IS HER AFFAIR PARTNER

Affairs never end unless there is No contact. 

If you really want your wife, if you really want to stay married and have ANY chance at something less dysfunctional you will listen to the advice given here. Especially from the male perspective. 

Your wife has lost respect for you. If she respected you she wouldn't have continued contact with this man. 

Don't listen to what she says. Watch her actions. Are you doing that? 

B/c from here, her actions show she would rather risk hurting, disrespecting and upsetting you by breaking agreed upon boundaries between HUSBAND AND WIFE then to give up this guy whose "just a friend". Did she marry this friend or did she marry you? Marriage trumps OS friends. Period. Unless you are ok with affairs.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> I should mention she is very loving to me at the same time. Promises eternal love, calls me her soul mate, tells me I am perfect and she would never even consider leaving or cheating on me...


 
And she told you that she would stop talking to this guy right? Well, it seems that she's lying and she's still talking to this guy and if that's the case than IMO, I would ask your gut if she really promises eternal love, calls you her soul mate, tells you your perfect and would never consider leaving or cheating on you. What she didn't tell you in all the lovey dovey talk is she calls you her door mat.

Friend, your gut is in need of a high colonic enema. She's telling you all this and not backing any of it up since she's lied to you and said she stopped talking to this guy. 

Maybe what you should do is what your gut is not telling you and sit her butt down and let her know that she lied to you and if she's so hell bent on this guy then maybe she should pack a few bags and catch the next flight out to sunny California. Ask her how she can tell you all the stuff she floods your ears with and at the same time, lie to you and continues her EA. Of course she's going to feed your ego just to throw you off track. 

What you have to ask yourself is it real or just words and this time when you confront her, do it a way that she fully understands that her shallow flattery will get her no where this time. Maybe you'll get the truth


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hockey27 said:


> Last comment from her:
> "It helps me get you out of my head."
> ...


THat should be everything you need to end this EA because it is an emotional affair.

Maybe she is always loving and supportive of you because she knows she is doing something wrong and she is guilty. 

If you let this continue, your wife will enter the fog and things will get very bad.

Good luck to you, I am afraid you will need it.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hockey27 said:


> I signed up last summer when I discovered the EA, have been absent since. My gut tells me I am being overly sensitive - she puts a ton of love and energy into us and our family. She is loving, compliments me, and always tells me how much she needs and loves me... I'm gathering that I am not being too sensitive, and need to talk to her about this dumb a$$


 You can't let them continue to be Facebook friends. This is a huge problem. If they never had an EA then it's different but hey still care too much about each other for my taste.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...





Hockey27 said:


> I will have to trust my gut and give it more time. I will continue monitoring her communication with the idiot, and confront her about it if necessary. I appreciate the feedback, but the vast majority of conversation is fine...


 Your post a year ago said that in addition to texting to each other 150+ times per day including many that were inappropriate, they had been at least kissing when they saw each other, and that when the other man ("OM") wanted to sneak away for a romantic weekend with your wife, your wife said "Not Yet" instead of no. This means that in addition to your wife being in a full on emotional affair ("EA") with this OM, she was also in the beginning of a physical affair (PA) with him.

Once they crossed the line, it becomes a fact that cannot be undone. Because of this, any continued communication between them is not "fine". Also, the fact that only the “majority” there conversation is fine, with some still being inappropriate is not good enough. Cheating just some of the time, is still cheating. Your wife’s "Denying the women of CA a chance to look at your legs" comment, his "You know my wife isn't comfortable with me chatting with beautiful women like you" comment, and her "It helps me get you out of my head" comment, prove that they are still have feelings for each other. Your issue is not that you are being too sensitive. Your issue is that you are not being sensitive enough in that you allow any contact at all with a former affair partner wants to sleep with your wife. As a standard practice, almost every marriage counselor with experience in emotional affairs will tell you that they need to go full no contact for life with any former affair partner. Almost everyone on this board is telling you the same thing. You are not special. Full not contact is what is called for. There is a reason that it is the go to strategy in dealing with EAs. If you follow your current "look the other way path", you will regret it in the end. You have been warned. What happens next is on you.

You need to read “Not Just Friends” to understand why you need to demand full no contact. You also need to read “His Needs Her Needs” to see that the OM is meeting needs for your wife that she should be getting only from you, and that this will hurt your marriage long term.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Hockey27 said:


> Last comment from her:
> "It helps me get you out of my head."


I have NEVER said this to a friend, and have never had a FRIEND say this to me.

This isn't something that friends say to each other.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hockey27
You are afraid that your wife will chose the other man.
It is normal to be afraid, but it is worse to live a lie.

Let go of the fear. You are a wonderful human mean who deserves respect. You deserve to be loved unconditionally, you deserve to be NUMBER 1 in your wife's heart.
I feel so sorry for you because I was afraid too.
But I am no longer afraid.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Hockey27 said:


> I do not know his wife at all.


You should have contacted her ASAP after the EA was discovered. 
Find her and tell her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

See you back here next thanksgiving. It is a date!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

* My wife kissed a man and stays friends
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 18. During the first 4 years of our relationship, I kissed two other women, and had an inappropriate relationship with one of those two women and continuously lied about it. I don't behave that way any more, but the damage was done. Recently, my wife lost her best (female) friend, and has been really struggling. Unfortunately, I wasn't as tuned in to her as I should have been. She started talking to another man she met at our kids' swimming lessons. One day, after she suspiciously changed our text / data plan (she normally has me make those changes) I checked the logs and found she was texting this person 150+ times per day. I confronted her, she swore it was friendship only, and that it would stop. After two weeks of quietly suspicious behavior, I put a piece of software on her computer to see her Facebook chat logs and learned that she had seen this man 2X in 2 weeks, and that they had been kissing. The chat log showed so much more - promises of trying to get a weekend together. Apparently she said to him "Not Yet". I confronted her, she said its a huge mistake, that she felt so alone, scared, and confused about her friend taking her own life. She said she doesn't really have romantic feelings for him, but that they have a real connection based on similar childhood trauma. They still chat 1 - 2x per day, they see each other with kids present (They both stay at home with the kids) 2x per week, and I am so nervous. She swears I am her one true love, she doesn't care about him that way, etc. Am I being naive to trust her again and allow her to stay friends? Is this the definition of an emotional affair? She swears it is not. I am just confused, and I want to move forward with her. *


Hockey, this was your first post on another thread. Kissing is typically cheater speak or code for "we had sex".

She has been with this guy several times and you are asking us if you are being overly sensitive.

You got to cut this off, now.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hockey, are you still there ? Do not ignore the advice being given. As others have said, if it hasn't been rung already do not let this bell be rung because once that happens it cannot be unrung! Cut this communication off asap.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> THat should be everything you need to end this EA because it is an emotional affair.
> 
> Maybe she is always loving and supportive of you because she knows she is doing something wrong and she is guilty.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I know of a man who had a very long time EA with a married woman. The texts sounded pretty much like that. How beautiful she was to him, how much he thought of her, etc. It turned physical after about 3 years of being "just friends", then I don't know what happened because I detached from them. 
Beware, this goes into the slippery rope. Read the book " Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and you'll understand.


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