# Contact/lies about the past



## prime1234 (Jul 31, 2014)

To the point, married for over 20 years - wife made contact with an old boyfriend from 20 years prior on Facebook just days after she created her account and kept up communication for over 3 years, all contact was initiated by my wife. One communication thread was on our anniversary, which to me shows little respect for me and our relationship. 

In addition, after some discussion about the past, I found out she did not tell me the truth about her past and previous sexual adventures. She had previously talked about the same boyfriend and all the pictures she had of him in discussions with another friend from her past..always referred to that time with him as the "good ole days" - I now find out that her old pictures of what she said were "friends" before, now I know were old boyfriends or just sex partners...we had looked at those pictures many times together, and this information was never disclosed, now I'm feeling a little deceived and question what is the truth. She said she has never cheated on me, but how can I believe anything she says since the past has been a lie, or at least the truth not fully disclosed...that's what she told me, she didn't lie to me, just didn't tell me everything. I tried to discuss my feelings with her, but this is one time she didn't want to talk....she said it's the past and didn't want to discuss it...if it's the past, why was she chatting with an old boyfriend and even posted a picture of a past boyfriend/sex partner on her Facebook page...which she took down after I knew the truth...also she stopped chatting with her old boyfriend and removed him on FB. I feel the relationship we had before has been damaged, but we are still together. Is this normal to chat with an old boyfriend and lie about the past then get mad and not want to discuss it with someone you've been with for over 20 years? What else is she not telling me? 

I'm sure with the ease of social networking this is a problem for many, never thought this would be an issue for us. Thank you for your thoughts.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

so it sounds like you've seen the messages on facebook...anything more than friendly chit-chat? no plans to meet up or overly personal info? 

was she hiding the communications during those three years?

if so, then that's emotional affair territory.

keeping the sexual history a secret? that might be a case of 'not kissing and telling'. some couples tell each other everything about their lives before meeting, some don't (and wish to keep it that way).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

prime1234 said:


> To the point, married for over 20 years - wife made contact with an old boyfriend from 20 years prior on Facebook just days after she created her account and kept up communication for over 3 years, all contact was initiated by my wife. One communication thread was on our anniversary, which to me shows little respect for me and our relationship.
> 
> In addition, after some discussion about the past, I found out she did not tell me the truth about her past and previous sexual adventures. She had previously talked about the same boyfriend and all the pictures she had of him in discussions with another friend from her past..always referred to that time with him as the "good ole days" - I now find out that her old pictures of what she said were "friends" before, now I know were old boyfriends or just sex partners...we had looked at those pictures many times together, and this information was never disclosed, now I'm feeling a little deceived and question what is the truth. She said she has never cheated on me, but how can I believe anything she says since the past has been a lie, or at least the truth not fully disclosed...that's what she told me, she didn't lie to me, just didn't tell me everything. I tried to discuss my feelings with her, but this is one time she didn't want to talk....she said it's the past and didn't want to discuss it...if it's the past, why was she chatting with an old boyfriend and even posted a picture of a past boyfriend/sex partner on her Facebook page...which she took down after I knew the truth...also she stopped chatting with her old boyfriend and removed him on FB. I feel the relationship we had before has been damaged, but we are still together. Is this normal to chat with an old boyfriend and lie about the past then get mad and not want to discuss it with someone you've been with for over 20 years? What else is she not telling me?
> 
> I'm sure with the ease of social networking this is a problem for many, never thought this would be an issue for us. Thank you for your thoughts.



On another thread, but can't remember which one, this issue of full disclosure came up. Telling your spouse everything Prior to marriage and some argued it wasn't necessary but you have illustrated why it is with your real life example. 

The truth always seems to come out eventually and those discovering the new information have to deal with not only the information but now the fact that they feel lied to, even if by omission, and betrayed.

I'm glad your wife stopped contacting the x. Definitely step one. You say she doesn't want to discuss this because it's in the past but this isn't for you....this is brand new information you just learned. She is either hiding more or realizes she is wrong and doesn't want to face that. I would communicate to her that you are hurt and need to discuss this but know what you will do ahead of time if she says no. 

I had a friend go through a somewhat similar ordeal with his wife who was too cozy with a co worker of hers. He tried to get her to communicate but she wouldn't. So he packed a bag and was holding it when she got home and asked again to talk about this and she finally saw what this was doing to him. He wasn't bluffing cause he already asked to come sleep on my couch. I actually encouraged him not to talk to her but they worked it out so he was right. Might want to try this but don't bluff if you need time to leave and think about this do it. Don't let her convince you that you did wrong here she withheld the information.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Based on my experience in my life and this forum over the last few years, I'd say that you've got a pretty good sign that you're wife has bad boundaries, is a cake eater, and that this will end poorly.

All you can do is have frank conversations about what makes you comfortable and maybe inform her of some common marital boundaries to "affair-proof" your marriage.

Everything you listed is a major red flag. The lies, the cover ups, the talking to exs. All she needs is the opportunity, if it hasn't happened already.

The problem is you can't MAKE someone have good boundaries, and you can't STOP someone from cheating on you. You can only express your feelings and limits, and let their actions determine how you move forward. I mean if you tell her, "it makes me uncomfortable when you talk to exs, or keep pictures around, or <insert behavior>" and she chooses those things over your feelings, you know where you stand.

Also, don't be afraid of being "that guy" or "too controlling." Manipulators spout that nonsense out so you feel guilty about having normal feelings. Unless your Captain jealous stalker and your wife can't go to the store without being GPS tagged, you're not overreacting. You can get a good sense on this board of people who've had past cheating experiences, almost all of it starts with an innocent "how are you doing?" on Facebook.


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## prime1234 (Jul 31, 2014)

Nothing I saw of meeting up, but she did keep this from me for the 3 year period, never told me she was chatting with her old boyfriend. It opens up the discussion of why she felt the need of chatting with him and not talking to me, also if she didn't tell me about this, what else is she not telling me about - I thought we talked about everything, but now I'm finding out that's not true.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Prime, wow! No, she is not doing normal or healthy things. The 3 years of secret communication with a former lover is EA territory.

The super short version of my story is that my wife lied to me throughout our 30+ year marriage about her history. Her first lover showed up on facebook and I nuked it but she fought me hard on it. I discovered some stuff in her high school yearbooks which shows her history was more and different than she told me.

Anyhow, I can totally relate to your feeling that you don't know what is true. It's been 3 years since the revelations started for me, and I am getting less able to trust rather than more able.

There is something humiliating for a man to unknowingly be in the presence of his wife's former lovers. Slightly different though related is the humiliation of a wife showing pictures or talking about her lovers when she knows you don't know they were lovers. For me this has been a difficult hill to climb because of what it means her level of respect, or lack of respect, is.

As others mentioned above, we have frequent threads on TAM about whether one should fully disclose their past. Some people do think the past is the past, and is private info. Regardless of that, what your wife did was not keep the past in the past. She showed photos to you of her former lovers but lied to you (a lie of omission at the very least) about them only being friends.

Yes I am projecting my situation and feelings onto yours, but I must say that to me what your wife did was pretty cold and mean.

As far as the 3 years of messages with her ex, do you now have full transparency of all her electronic communications? Do you have passwords for all her accounts, phones, tablets, etc?

I would install a keylogger on the computer she uses. This will capture any secret emails, secret social media accounts, or secret messaging. If she plays games on her computer, tablet, or phone then you should determine if there are any chat functions. For example, words with friends has a chat function which cheaters have been known to use. If hubby asks what they're doing, they just show him the screen for the game and he has no idea she's chatting with her lover.

I don't jump to the conclusion your wife has had or is having a PA with anyone. I also don't conclude she is in a deep EA with the ex. But I think you should confirm it by keylogging. Also consider a VAR under her car seat. See posts by Weightlifter for details on VARs.

Review all your phone bills, credit card statements, online bank accounts, etc. You're looking for anything suspicious or unusual. e.g. purchases from lingerie shops but you never see the new lingerie. Hotels, restaurants, etc which don't make sense. Look for phone numbers being called at odd times.

I don't expect you'll find an affair based on what you wrote, but you should do the research.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are reacting emotionally as if your wife had an affair. You have been traumatized by an infidelity. The infidelity in this case is a long term dishonesty about something important (which anyone would know is obviously important).

I believe this level of dishonesty is a violation of the marriage vows. We vow a lot more than to not have sex outside the marriage. We vow love, honor, respect, etc. At least in my opinion, what your wife (and mine) did is a deep betrayal of the vows and also a deep personal betrayal of you. 

PTSD types of reactions are common, though officially they don't call it PTSD because there was no violence. I suggest you approach this as if you are recovering from discovering a sexual affair. That is, for yourself this is the approach you take. The approach you take on your marriage may be slightly different.

The book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring is excellent and I think it will resonate with you.

Another book, "His Needs, Her Needs" has a section on dishonesty and infidelity. Also the author has a book "Love Busters" that I have not read but he has a whole section on how to deal with dishonesty.

You might consider individual counseling. Your employer should offer free therapy via EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which is free and totally confidential. Your employer will never know you went. Or, find a good therapist separate from EAP.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Alright, last post for now.

Aside from this discovery, what have you thought of your wife's honesty throughout your relationship? Is there a pattern of deceptions? Has she used control of information as a tool to manipulate or control you?

Does this seem to be a very isolated area she has been dishonest in? Or is there a wider pattern, even if the lies were about unimportant things?

In order for you to recover trust in her, it will take several years of you observing her being completely honest and trustworthy. She will have to demonstrate her genuine desire to be fully and openly honest with you.


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## prime1234 (Jul 31, 2014)

Thor and all others, thanks for the input and information on the issue. There has not been a pattern of deception over the years which is why this hit me hard when I found out there is a level of deception, at least during this period and about her past before me. She said she was not proud of things that happened before we met and didn't want to relive that period in her life....but felt good enough to make contact and maintain contact over a 3 year period with one of her old boyfriends. She said she would've chatted more with him if he would've replied more...that still rings in my ears from time to time. I found out about this over a year ago and have struggled with it since. I'm trying to just get over it, but still have a big question mark in my head over this issue.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

There is no room for an ongoing relationship with a former sex partner in any healthy marriage. Especially so if it has been made clear that the continued or renewed contact is troublesome to a spouse. If she can't or won't understand that you will have other, bigger problems in the future.

Good luck,

Seasalt


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Agree with seasalt 100%. There is no reason at all that a married person should be contacting and communicating with an ex lover - (Unless there are mutual children involved, etc.)


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

prime1234 said:


> Thor and all others, thanks for the input and information on the issue. There has not been a pattern of deception over the years which is why this hit me hard when I found out there is a level of deception, at least during this period and about her past before me. She said she was not proud of things that happened before we met and didn't want to relive that period in her life....but felt good enough to make contact and maintain contact over a 3 year period with one of her old boyfriends. She said she would've chatted more with him if he would've replied more...that still rings in my ears from time to time. I found out about this over a year ago and have struggled with it since. I'm trying to just get over it, but still have a big question mark in my head over this issue.


Then stand up for yourself and demand the answer


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

In my example my ex was a habitual liar and manipulator and I just assumed she was telling the truth until I found out about her adultery.

It wasn't until I saw the ultimate crazy lies that I realized how much she had been lying to me our whole marriage. I was just naive for the first 8 years and believed her when she said things. This might be the case for you, pay attention to her actions not her words. Now that the blinders are off, see what she's like, you might be surprised.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Really, this is two separate but interrelated issues
1) Your W was messaging with an old boyfriend on FB for a few years
2) Your W was not totally forthcoming about what all she'd done before you got married.

#1 is IMO typically bad news. I just don't feel like exes have a place in a marriage unless it's for logistical purposes of a child or the like.

#2 I can comment on more completely, as I went through the very same thing. Not long after marriage I found out my W had been with quite a few more people (and not all of them men!) than I'd ever thought. Once I found out, like Thor said, I felt traumatized and lied to, like my vows had all been spoken under false pretenses, etc.

But honestly, now three years later, I don't see it as nearly the issue I did then. We talked about it over and over, esp at first, and that helped me through that sense of betrayal, but now I don't feel that sense of betrayal at all anymore. In my personal opinion, it was her past. Now she's my wife.

Obviously, that's going to go against the chorus here, but that is my very highly subjective and personal opinion - and from someone who's actually gone through it.

*However*, #1 and 2 taken together create a bit of a different scenario, because now she's kept _2_ things from you. At this point I'd say it's time to start having some serious heart-to-heart talks with your W. You know her better than we do, so it's up to you to decide if she's being forthcoming enough or not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

prime1234 said:


> Thor and all others, thanks for the input and information on the issue. There has not been a pattern of deception over the years which is why this hit me hard when I found out there is a level of deception, at least during this period and about her past before me. She said she was not proud of things that happened before we met and didn't want to relive that period in her life....but felt good enough to make contact and maintain contact over a 3 year period with one of her old boyfriends. She said she would've chatted more with him if he would've replied more...that still rings in my ears from time to time. I found out about this over a year ago and have struggled with it since. I'm trying to just get over it, but still have a big question mark in my head over this issue.


Ok, some good and some not-so-good in there.

First, very good that there is no overall pattern of deceptions through your long relationship. You reported that you don't know what to believe anymore as a result of this issue, and that is a problem. But at least there isn't an ongoing set of experiences which reinforce an UNtrustworthiness in her.

With my wife, she seems to perpetrate another lie or deception every 6 - 12 months (that I detect), and it makes recovery impossible for me. It resets the clock each time there is a lie or deception, and it gets worse when she then justifies or blameshifts. This is why I suggested the book "After the Affair". The concepts are the same for recovering from deception. You are wounded and can only heal if she participates in proving herself worthy of your trust over a significant period of time.

The book "Love Busters" also deals with this topic though I haven't read it yet.

I agree that some IC for you might be very beneficial, as long as it is a good counselor. Someone who understands betrayal and who won't just blame it all on you. But, there is work there for you to explore about perhaps your attitudes or beliefs surrounding sexuality and also about your image of your wife. Obviously your image of who you thought she was has been shattered by her lies and also by finding out her sexual history was not as advertised.

OK, now the bad. She is rationalizing. Perhaps she even believes it that she was embarrassed or even felt shame about some things she did. That is ok. What is not ok is lying to you repeatedly over many years. Every day was an opportunity to come clean. While the topic may not have been relevant in conversation every day, certainly there were times when she showed you the pictures or maybe a name came up at a party, etc, which brought the issue forward. She chose every single one of those times not to tell you the truth.

Why didn't she tell you the truth? Because she didn't want you to have a full set of information with which to make decisions. And that is the bad part. Somewhere in her template for serious relationships is included the tactic of preventing you from making a fully informed decision.

She may not see it this way at all. My wife certainly does not! Your wife may see it as essentially none of your business what she did before you. That argument falls flat when she keeps pictures, shows pictures, and lets you have a false understanding of the situation.

More good news is that this may be a big load off of her shoulders now that you know. She may be more able to be emotionally fully present in the marriage.

From my perspective the bad things she did were the lies and deceptions. That is far worse than the content or subject matter. In fact I think her previous sex life informed her of who she is and who she is not. So it was good for her in some ways even if she isn't proud of it. So I would be very careful not show any judgement of her sex life. Rather I would make it clearly an issue about the lies and deceptions. And I would be supportive verbally that now she is relieved of the burden of keeping the secrets.

IC is where you discuss your angst over whatever she did with other men. Don't discuss it with her.


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## TheWon% (Jul 30, 2014)

It's not an issue until THEIR past creeps into YOUR future. In my experience, that's only a matter of time. I've seen it too many times to buy the "it's my past" baloney because today IS the collective receipts of the past. Own your past, disclose your past, grow from your past, and move past your past, and there are very few people who truly can do this, they are out there but they are rare....


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

TheWon% said:


> It's not an issue until THEIR past creeps into YOUR future. In my experience, that's only a matter of time. I've seen it too many times to buy the "it's my past" baloney because today IS the collective receipts of the past. Own your past, disclose your past, grow from your past, and move past your past, and there are very few people who truly can do this, they are out there but they are rare....


"in my past" means "I will do it again" unless they took clear actions to change their future behavior. You don't go from total ***** to nun just by graduating college and getting a job.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

COguy said:


> "in my past" means "I will do it again" unless they took clear actions to change their future behavior. You don't go from total ***** to nun just by graduating college and getting a job.


Really? So no one who was wild in their youth ever settled down, ever, not in the entire history of mankind?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Nigel Pinchley said:


> Really? So no one who was wild in their youth ever settled down, ever, not in the entire history of mankind?


I've known people that were wild in college, and still do dumb sh*t even though they're married.

I've known people that were wild in college, and decided they didn't want to live like that anymore and changed.

From my experience, unless you realize why you acted that way, introspected, and actively decided to change, your moral character is going to seep through later in your life. Example, if you cheated on a bunch of girls in college and then get married 5 years later, unless you are truly remorseful and actively engaged in not doing it again, then I think it's much more likely that you will do it again.

I'm not making 100% statements about everyone, but from my experience people don't just change unless they make active decisions to do so. Just saying "oh I used to do that, but I don't anymore" and don't really have a clear reason why, I wouldn't put my trust in a long-term relationship in that.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

My take on what I see are three issues at play here:

1. *Not being proactively forthright about past sexual history.* I'm ambivalent about how important this is. If there was no outright lying, and if the history did not include things like getting paid for gangbanging old men at lodge meetings, then maybe not such a big deal?

2. * Keeping ongoing contact with an old BF secret for 3 years.* This is bad. There could well be nothing harmful in the nature of the contact itself, but hiding it is not good. This is not privacy, this is secrecy (not what you want in a marriage).

3. *"That's what she told me, she didn't lie to me, just didn't tell me everything."* This is the real problem here, I think. Anyone who thinks lying by omission isn't lying cannot be trusted. Regardless of what is being omitted. I would address this issue with your W first.


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## prime1234 (Jul 31, 2014)

All the discussions in this thread have been right on track with my thoughts concerning the issue. I don't believe this behavior has continued since I uncovered it a year ago, so that's good. I told the wife I would file for divorce if she chatted with him one more time or if I find out other info she didn't tell me. We haven't discussed it since that time...I would like to, but I know she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Since I haven't seen other behavior like before, I haven't brought it back up for discussion.

I'm happy to see my thoughts are not irrational or an over reaction, I was in a bad place for months and wasn't sure I would recover - but time seems to dull the severity of the situation.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I believe it is just plain stupid and playing with fire to keep pictures of old boyfriends/girlfriends, much less keep them as an ongoing friend after marriage. Inviting them to be FB friends years after you've been married...an invitation to be accused of infidelity or creating a temptation for yourself to actually commit infidelity.

Even if nothing ever came of it, why create an illusion of a "crack" in your fidelity in the mind of your spouse?

Marriage is hard enough, just because of everyday stresses, why not be smart and get rid of the easy ones.....like old lovers?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I think you should keep pressure on her to answer every single question you have - about her past before the marriage, about her behavior during the marriage etc. Especially given her FB behavior you shouldn't let this go until she does that. Married people don't have the option of hiding part of themselves from their spouse. IMO you should get comfortable in your mind with leaving her if you have to. Put yourself in the power position in your marriage and keep it that way


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

prime1234 said:


> she said it's the past and didn't want to discuss it...if it's the past, why was she chatting with an old boyfriend and *even posted a picture of a past boyfriend/sex partner on her Facebook page*...which she took down after I knew the truth...


This to me is weird. Postinga pic of o her ex on her Facebook wall while married? Odd, for sure.

Well the thing is: no man is going to be happy about his wife chatting/talking constantly with his ex girlfriend. I doubt many woman would be happy about that either. Especially when said spouse is posting pics of that person on their WALL.

Balls!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is good though that she deleted him.

Have you considered marriage counselling?


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## prime1234 (Jul 31, 2014)

To be clear, she didn't post a picture of her ex that she was chatting with, she knew I knew of him and wouldn't be happy or allow that on her page. She posted a picture of another guy she was with over 20 years ago before we were married. The picture was of this guy and one of her old female friends she wanted to make contact. When the picture was posted, I thought he was just another person from her past that she knew, along with her friend...when I found they had dated out she had a sexual relationship with the guy which she never told me about until all this came out, I was upset. She took the picture down and said it was a bad decision on her part. The picture was up for over a year on her page - I was mad for weeks. I think others have already said some of this is an example of bad boundaries on her part. It really made me question if I even knew somebody I had been with for over 20 years.....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

prime1234 said:


> To be clear, she didn't post a picture of her ex that she was chatting with, she knew I knew of him and wouldn't be happy or allow that on her page. She posted a picture of another guy she was with over 20 years ago before we were married. The picture was of this guy and one of her old female friends she wanted to make contact. When the picture was posted, I thought he was just another person from her past that she knew, along with her friend...when I found they had dated out she had a sexual relationship with the guy which she never told me about until all this came out, I was upset. She took the picture down and said it was a bad decision on her part. The picture was up for over a year on her page - I was mad for weeks. I think others have already said some of this is an example of bad boundaries on her part. It really made me question if I even knew somebody I had been with for over 20 years.....


She might be clueless. She might not really care what you think or feel. There are a lot of possibilities why she would have done that.

My wife has a very nice cedar hope chest which was a Sweet 16 gift from her 20 yr old boyfriend. He was her first lover. There is a lot of history with this one, as he is the one she never got over. He's the one who showed up on her Facebook 28 years into our marriage, and she fought me hard when I asked her to delete him as a friend.

He's been a problem in our marriage from the beginning.

So, when we bought our first house way back when, she retrieved the cedar chest from her parents' house and wanted to put it in our master bedroom, right at the foot of our bed. This was one of the few times I really put my foot down and say No F'n Way.

She couldn't understand it. She swore the chest meant nothing to her, it was just a nice piece of furniture. She rolled her eyes at me for being so stupid and unreasonable.

Fast forward another 25 years and she has it in her home office, but needs to move it out for a couple of weeks. Where does she put it? In MY music room. Not only in my music room, but she moves some of my guitars out of their normal place and puts it there. (There's a serious music connection and issue in all this with this first guy). The symbolism was enormous to me.

She again had no clue. No idea. No empathy. No apparent thought about what I might think about it.

And that is what I'm getting at with your wife. She may truly have no idea and no ability to empathize with you about this. She probably never gave a thought to how you would feel about the picture being posted, and never gave a thought to you finding out about this guy being an ex. She may have forgotten that you didn't know about this guy, because maybe she really doesn't think about what might be important to you or how you might feel about things she does.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Why do you still have the chest and it's not sold?

You've said it bothers you, that should be the end of the story. Instead you're placating her?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

COguy said:


> Why do you still have the chest and it's not sold?
> 
> You've said it bothers you, that should be the end of the story. Instead you're placating her?


She keeps it in her office, and I never go in there. So normally I don't see it or get triggered by it.

In the past I was a textbook Nice Guy, so I didn't force the issue other than it would not be tolerated in the bedroom. For 25 years it lived in the basement with her sewing and crafts stuff. It didn't bother me that it was used to store stuff in the basement. 

Today I think it would be a serious battle to request she sell it. Of course it makes total sense to sell it and replace it with something else. But this would be a battle royal if I brought it up.

I am, and have been for several years, seriously teetering on the fence about the marriage. I am not sure I want this to be the battle to define the direction we go, and if we split I don't care whether she keeps it or not.

I was actually pretty comfortable about the chest when she moved it into her office 3 years ago, when I thought we were recovering. Then it triggered in my memory some dates which didn't add up, and so with a little bit of research I discovered a string of lies and deceptions about her history.

There's a lot of history with this guy, our marriage, music, the cedar chest, and more which I have spent a lot of time discussing in IC! Far more than I can post here.

People really should jettison all reminders of exes other than perhaps a few minor mementos such as prom pictures etc which are kept put away out of sight. And tell the unvarnished truth to people you are in serious relationships with!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds like you're still being the nice guy. It's bothering you, it's obvious that it has attachment value, yet you're minimizing your feelings for fear of conflict.

You're worried about speaking your mind because if your marriage doesn't work out, she can keep it? Step back and reread what you wrote and tell me if it makes any sense to you.

If you say, "this chest really bothers me, it makes me feel uncomfortable." And she says, "I'm not getting rid of it." You've learned a lot about your marriage without having to go to counseling.


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