# Moving away for job promotion



## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I have an opportunity to promote within my job, but I would have to move about 1000 miles away for it. Have/has anyone done this, and how did you kid/s take this. I am currently going through the divorce with the STBXW and should be done in the next few weeks. D10 says its ok and she understands that it’s my job, but I don’t know if I could handle being away from her. I have not told her Mother about it and probably won’t until I have to change my address with the state for CS. We do 50/50 and I have her Tue/thru and every other weekend with her now. My new job would be in Cal, and my kid has said many times that she wanted to live there so maybe in a yr. or two, she could come out and live with me, but that’s in the future. 
Funny thing is one morning the kid and I was watching TV and on the show and they were showing Cal and the kid told me she wanted to live there and her mother flew off the handle, one of the reasons I filled for divorce plus others, and my kid brings that up every now and then. 
I guess what I am looking for is advice, how to handle the distance and about visitation during the Holidays and summer.

TIA


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First thing is first, distance KILLS relationships. I have family abroad and 1200 miles away......and it just doesn't feel like family anymore. It sucks and we all love each other, it's just not the same......and you just don't feel that connection anymore.

Personally I wouldn't consider it, but that's because daily interaction with my love ones and being together is extremely important to me. Even if we don't' do anything, just being around them is important.

Your daughter is slowly getting to an age where she will NEED her father to teach her about boys/man during a VERY difficult time of her life. Trust me when I tell you this, even the BEST of a mother/woman cannot teach her what you need to teach her. Your daughter will NEED a father figure in her life (mind you, it will NOT be easy for YOU or her and there will be conflicts between you too). 

Since your ex seems troubled, that makes things that much worse.

But, at the same time, it sounds like you only get 2-3 days a week to be with her (that's not much, sucks). And the career/promotion thing does sound good.

Have you considered cost of living increase in Cali? This can EASILY offset your promotion/extra money. You should really evaluate that!!!! You might not even be getting any raise....

It comes down to priorities on your end. Is your job more important than being an active parent and part of your daughters life?

To me, no job is worth the time with my child. But that's just me, you have to figure it out for yourself.

Good luck

PS. Is there any possibility of getting custody of her and moving out there WITH her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you talked to your lawyer about this? Doing custody long distance is a completely different thing. You will have time with her in blocks of time... like half the summer, some school holidays. 

The chance of the courts making a change as huge as her move out with you in a couple of years are very slim. The don't like big changes like that. And neither you nor your stbx has the right to take your daughter away from the other parent.

Will the difference in income cover the high cost of lots of air fare, hotel if needed, etc. for several trips a year for you and your daughter?


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

The cost of living is coverd in the promotion, with a raise, thats not the issue. " Your daughter is slowly getting to an age where she will NEED her father to teach her about boys " this is were i am at, I know she will need me soon. yes our time is not as much as i want really, but its the way it is i guess. I do pick her up after school and have her with me until her mother gets off of work, so i see her every day for at least 2 hr's. i have her every Christmas and NewYears, she stays wih her mom on Thanksgiven as her mom dose not do Christmas ( Another issue we had in life( Man i should have seen all the red flags before i married her 10 Yrs ago))
In the state of TexA$$, a child can make a discision on where they would like to live, her mother talks about it too, and even tells her that she could move if she wanted to then. 
I guess its a hard call, do i take a chance. one good thing about moving would be that i will closer to my family and parents ( Mom and Dad are in there 80's )


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

One of my sons best friends has to spend summers with his dad 1000 miles away. The kid loses opportunities to be a kid, i.e, school football workouts, travel summer sports, etc. Plus missing his friends. Plenty to consider, and any choice can be right or wrong, depending on what factors matter to you and your D the most.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> The cost of living is coverd in the promotion, with a raise, thats not the issue. " Your daughter is slowly getting to an age where she will NEED her father to teach her about boys " this is were i am at, I know she will need me soon. yes our time is not as much as i want really, but its the way it is i guess. I do pick her up after school and have her with me until her mother gets off of work, so i see her every day for at least 2 hr's. i have her every Christmas and NewYears, she stays wih her mom on Thanksgiven as her mom dose not do Christmas ( Another issue we had in life( Man i should have seen all the red flags before i married her 10 Yrs ago))
> In the state of TexA$$, a child can make a discision on where they would like to live, her mother talks about it too, and even tells her that she could move if she wanted to then.
> I guess its a hard call, do i take a chance. one good thing about moving would be that i will closer to my family and parents ( Mom and Dad are in there 80's )


This changes EVERYTHING

Have a serious conversation with your daughter. Tell her that you are not just moving because the job but also to be closer to your parents. Tell her you would LOVE for her to come with you and spend more time with her grandparents as well.

See if she will come.

This would probably the driver of my decision. If she comes, great, nothing to worry about.

If she doesn't, you have some thinking to do.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally, I think it's in the best interest of your daughter to have access to both her parents as regularly as possible. The job will still be there down the road. Your daughter will only be young once. My opinion is you turn down this promotion for now and keep your daughters world intact.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Personally, I think it's in the best interest of your daughter to have access to both her parents as regularly as possible. The job will still be there down the road. Your daughter will only be young once. My opinion is you turn down this promotion for now and keep your daughters world intact.


You know, you make a good point and my prior advice would have moved this child away from her mother (which wouldn't be good either).

I will have to take that back. Your advice is on point IMO


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I also agree that this is one of the circumstance that kids come first. Kids need both parents unless her mother is dangerous or destructive. If she is abandon by one or the other her chances of teen pregnancy or landing a career path that involved dancing around a pole goes up. I would stay.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I sometimes wonder if our kids ever fully appreciate the sacrifices we make for them. I know I appreciate my parents a lot more since I had kids of my own.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Thank you all for your insights. I also do agree with you all on this subject as it would hurt alot to be away from her. my mom devorced my Biological father before i was even born so i really never knew him, even know that i had spent time with him growing up, mostley summers. Funny thing is the last time i seen him the CHP was pulling us apart in RedBluff, we allways had fought for some reasion, and we have not spoken to each other sence, 20 yrs maybe and i know i dont want that to happen with my child and me. My kid (D10) has made comments about living in Ca, and how much she would enjoy it so i was thinking that if i went out there and got settled in and she followed in 2yrs that would not be a bad thing...


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I sometimes wonder if our kids ever fully appreciate the sacrifices we make for them. I know I appreciate my parents a lot more since I had kids of my own.


I dont think they do, not until there older. I have told my mom over and over how much i have appreciated her, her and my stepdad ( He is my real father to me and i also introduce him to everyone as my father ) ......


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I sometimes wonder if our kids ever fully appreciate the sacrifices we make for them. I know I appreciate my parents a lot more since I had kids of my own.


I feel the same way and I bet when our children have kids they will realize this as well


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> I feel the same way and I bet when our children have kids they will realize this as well


Not all of them. I've seen some that still mooch off mom and dad just waiting for them to go 6 feet under so they can get the insurance money/home/assets, etc...

These are people in their 40s with kids in their teens to early 20s. Some people just never learn.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> I have an opportunity to promote within my job, but I would have to move about 1000 miles away for it. Have/has anyone done this, and how did you kid/s take this. I am currently going through the divorce with the STBXW and should be done in the next few weeks. D10 says its ok and she understands that it’s my job, but I don’t know if I could handle being away from her. I have not told her Mother about it and probably won’t until I have to change my address with the state for CS. We do 50/50 and I have her Tue/thru and every other weekend with her now. My new job would be in Cal, and my kid has said many times that she wanted to live there so maybe in a yr. or two, she could come out and live with me, but that’s in the future.
> Funny thing is one morning the kid and I was watching TV and on the show and they were showing Cal and the kid told me she wanted to live there and her mother flew off the handle, one of the reasons I filled for divorce plus others, and my kid brings that up every now and then.
> I guess what I am looking for is advice, how to handle the distance and about visitation during the Holidays and summer.
> 
> TIA


I don't care what your daughter tells you. She's only ten and she doesn't know what she's talking about. She might think she does, but she doesn't. What she's going to FEEL is that her daddy thinks that his job is more important than his daughter. She's also entering an age where hanging out with her friends during the summer is going to be more important than living with dad where she doesn't know anybody, so she may not visit as planned.

Can you delay the promotion for, oh, about eight years? You can talk it up as her attending college there near you when you move later. Or telecommute it for a while?

I also have a horrible feeling spending teenage years in Cali would be nasty pressure on her to be all appearance-focused and shallow, but that could be popular media getting to me.

Lastly, you really ought to be discussing this with your ex before you make a final decision. If she's not willing to negotiate a change from 50-50 in advance, you dictating it anyway is kind of a **** move to all concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Divorce is extremely hard on children. She loves both of you. It's not fair to ask her to pick one parent over the other. What do you think she's going to say? Of course she's going to tell you that she wants to live with you when you talk about you going away. What else would she say?

She might also say that she wants to live in California. But she has no idea what living in California is like. She's never experienced missing her mother for long periods of time. She's a child. 

Also, a child does not have the absolute choice of which parent they can live with. It has to go to trial, your daughter would have to convince a judge. And even then the judge does not have to allow it. Do you really want to put your children through this?

"In Texas, children who are at least 12 years of age can have a say in where they will live, but a judge does not have to follow the child’s wishes. It is absolutely wrong to assume or tell a child that they get to decide where he or she will live once they turn 12 years old. Once your child turns 18 and is a legal adult, then a custody order does not apply and they can decide where to live. The closer your child gets to age 18, the more he or she has a say."

When a Child Can Choose? | Divorce & child custody attorney for Galveston County & Harris County, Texas


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sammy64 said:


> I have an opportunity to promote within my job, but I would have to move about 1000 miles away for it. Have/has anyone done this, and how did you kid/s take this. I am currently going through the divorce with the STBXW and should be done in the next few weeks. D10 says its ok and she understands that it’s my job, but I don’t know if I could handle being away from her. I have not told her Mother about it and probably won’t until I have to change my address with the state for CS. We do 50/50 and I have her Tue/thru and every other weekend with her now. My new job would be in Cal, and my kid has said many times that she wanted to live there so maybe in a yr. or two, she could come out and live with me, but that’s in the future.
> Funny thing is one morning the kid and I was watching TV and on the show and they were showing Cal and the kid told me she wanted to live there and her mother flew off the handle, one of the reasons I filled for divorce plus others, and my kid brings that up every now and then.
> I guess what I am looking for is advice, how to handle the distance and about visitation during the Holidays and summer.
> 
> TIA


Of course your daughter says it's okay. You're her hero. That doesn't mean she's not afraid that she's losing her dad.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Where area in California do you plan to move? That is a huge factor in my mind. If you are going to have to long commute...bringing the child might be a bad idea.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

You all have really great points, and thank you. 
I understand that my kid will say that she wants to live with me in Ca, we have been there many, many times, never longer then 4 weeks thought, and she dose really enjoy the atmosphere there, always has and her mom even use to talk how crazy the kid was about it. All of my family is there, and some family on the other side live in the state also so she would have family from both sides. I dont know if she would ever come out like Eli said, she would miss her crazy( My word, not Eli's) mother, but i would think that in the near future when she is older that she would want to come out. 
The Job would be at my clients site, ( remote/Telecomute will not work ) in San Diego and i have lived there before so the travel time to and from work is not that big of a deal. Now if i was going to LA, differnt story i would think.
Including the the cost of living increase, and the raise i would get we are talking about 37K a year on top of what i get paid now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And you know that you are going to need that extra 37K to live there plus for air fair for your daughter a few times a year.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Be honest.

Do you see this as an escape of sorts?


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Good question. honestly, i am not sure. I am not running from anyone or to anyone so thats not an issue. STBXW and i still get along somewhat so thats not an issue. The money would be awesome, more then i have ever made in my life, But i would still be away from my kid. This is why i am confused. My child is my FIRST priority... Just hard to pass this up..


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I find that though a change of venue and jobs and scenery can be a catalyst for positive change in someones life, I firmly believe money rarely ever makes a difference in someones well being or hapiness.

Nobody really believes me when I say that - particularly when they are looking at a potential raise.

You really need to keep your eye on the ball with respect to how that would impact your daughter though - and your relationship with her - how she is raised - and having 2 parents living far apart like that.

Run the numbers and consider actual cost of living, but also realize there is a cost in 'life' that you will have to pay to make that change. Also keep in mind that if you have an offer representing a good increase - that likely means you could find a similar opportunity closer to home. Yes - more effort to find one and it is easier to reach for the brass ring when it is dangled in front of you - but think it thorugh. Maybe its the right choice.

Be careful jumping at the cash.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> I find that though a change of venue and jobs and scenery can be a catalyst for positive change in someones life, I firmly believe money rarely ever makes a difference in someones well being or hapiness.
> 
> Nobody really believes me when I say that - particularly when they are looking at a potential raise.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying.. really do.. All of my family is there and some of the STBXW's. I say that like i would vist them, but i guess in reality i would never see them out there. I have places to live, so there is no issues with that part, just depends i guess. I am not leaving were i work, Great job, and great company to work for and i have been with them for years they just want to send me out there to be closer to my client at my clients request.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sammy64 said:


> Good question. honestly, i am not sure. I am not running from anyone or to anyone so thats not an issue. STBXW and i still get along somewhat so thats not an issue. *The money would be awesome, more then i have ever made in my life,* But i would still be away from my kid. This is why i am confused. My child is my FIRST priority... Just hard to pass this up..


One of my brothers lives in the LA area.

The last two places he lived in:
2 bedroom + tiny loft town house, about 1,000 sq ft - $2000 a month

2 bedroom apartment, about 800sq ft - $1600 a month.

Here where I live, the rent on similar places would be about half that.

Say you rent that town house. That's $12,000 a year more in cost. 

One of my co workers lives in Poway. He has a small house that cost him around $500K. Here where I live, that same house would be about $150K.

Utilities there are higher. Groceries there are higher. I think that living there will eat up most of that $37K increase in pay unless live in a very high cost of living area right now.

Have you done a serious cost of living analysis? Is that $37K really just a cost of living increase?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Use trulia or zillow to check on housing.

I live in the inland empire area East of Los Angeles, almost to San Bernardino. My 4-bedroom house costs me $340K in 2012, still can get one like it for under $400K.

Anything nearer to the coast? Add $100K to the price or more.

Downside is commuting is far to good employments with some exceptions.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> ...Say you rent that town house. That's $12,000 a year more in cost...


that easily represents the best part (in takehome pay) of a 37K bump.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michzz said:


> Use trulia or zillow to check on housing.
> 
> I live in the inland empire area East of Los Angeles, almost to San Bernardino. My 4-bedroom house costs me $340K in 2012, still can get one like it for under $400K.
> 
> ...


How many sq feet is that 4 brm house?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> that easily represents the best part (in takehome pay) of a 37K bump.


I had offers for jobs in the San Diego and LA areas with the company I'm with. But even with a raise it amounted to a loss in actual income.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> How many sq feet is that 4 brm house?


1750

Has a two-car garage, three bathrooms, modern appliances and a jacuzzi out back. Central a/c and heating

Build in the 80s

6000sq ft lot


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I sometimes think I could move to the mid-west or south from the east coast and live like a king - but of course I'd only make a fraction of what I make now too.

OP - here try this:

Cost of Living Calculator: Compare the Cost of Living in Two Cities - CNNMoney

etc...

http://www.bestplaces.net/cost-of-living/

Cost of Living Index for Selected U.S. Cities | Infoplease.com


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sammy64 said:


> Including the the cost of living increase, and the raise i would get we are talking about 37K a year on top of what i get paid now.


If you're making about $85-$100K a year, that is doable in San Diego.

no heating costs ever. A/C in the inland areas, a fan will do in the coastal belt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michzz said:


> 1750
> 
> Has a two-car garage, three bathrooms, modern appliances and a jacuzzi out back. Central a/c and heating
> 
> ...


The house I live in right now is 2500 sq ft, on an acre of land with water rights. (highly prized in the desert south west. It's an adobe built in 1945.. it's updated. Basically it's country living in the middle of the city. Price? $295K

My previous house was 3000 sq ft. 4 bedrooms, 3 bathroom, 2 offices, Jacuzzi, central air-conditioning heat, 3 car garage built in 2000. Everything in it was top of the line. $232K


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> My previous house was 3000 sq ft. 4 bedrooms, 3 bathroom, 2 offices, Jacuzzi, central air-conditioning heat, 3 car garage built in 2000. Everything in it was top of the line. $232K


good god its expensive out here on the northeast coast. You cant buy a crappy condo for $250 around here.

I think the only place worse is the San Francisco - San Jose - Palo Alto area out west.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> The house I live in right now is 2500 sq ft, on an acre of land with water rights. (highly prized in the desert south west. It's an adobe built in 1945.. it's updated. Basically it's country living in the middle of the city. Price? $295K
> 
> My previous house was 3000 sq ft. 4 bedrooms, 3 bathroom, 2 offices, Jacuzzi, central air-conditioning heat, 3 car garage built in 2000. Everything in it was top of the line. $232K


Sounds pretty good, hope you have one of the senior rights on the ditch!

The whole West is in a multi-year drought.

But if you can handle that, the NM lifestyle is really nice.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

anotherguy said:


> good god its expensive out here on the northeast coast. You cant buy a crappy condo for $250 around here.
> 
> I think the only place worse is the San Francisco - San Jose - Palo Alto area out west.


That's where I sold my house in the divorce in 2012.

My little 2-bedroom, 1 bath, 1-car garage house sold then for $730K. I checked it's value today: $1.3M.

The bubble has returned in SF Bay Area.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

All of my family lives in the area, Ontario, San Bernardino and Palm Springs, family in SD, OB and downtown. I have checked into the housing market out there. Not really an issue right now, but will be soon if I take the offer. I can always use my VA loan to help with that. I would just miss the kid, I know there face time/Skype and oovoo so we could always see each other, but still not the same as being with her. If I stayed at a family members house down in SD I would be able to save a little for the next house. 
My house now in this area is only worth about 120K and its 1755Sqft so I know that would be 420K for something the same.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Be honest.
> 
> Do you see this as an escape of sorts?


need to think about this more...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sammy64 said:


> All of my family lives in the area, Ontario, San Bernardino and Palm Springs, family in SD, OB and downtown. I have checked into the housing market out there. Not really an issue right now, but will be soon if I take the offer. I can always use my VA loan to help with that. I would just miss the kid, I know there face time/Skype and oovoo so we could always see each other, but still not the same as being with her. If I stayed at a family members house down in SD I would be able to save a little for the next house.
> My house now in this area is only worth about 120K and its 1755Sqft so I know that would be 420K for something the same.


My daughter pays $950 a month for a one-bedroom apt in OB.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There are "cost of living" thoughts here that are true but I don't think that even matters.

I think about a young girl living with mom and dad being a 1,000 miles away or her moving in with dad and mom being a 1,000 miles away. It just makes me sad for her. We can pretend a phone call is a phone call no matter where from but I know when I'm on a business trip that I feel the distance even though I can call. I'm a grown man with kids and grand kids but this little girl is 10 years old. These are precious years that either parent will regret missing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michzz said:


> Sounds pretty good, hope you have one of the senior rights on the ditch!
> 
> The whole West is in a multi-year drought.
> 
> But if you can handle that, the NM lifestyle is really nice.


Yes we are in a pretty bad, long drought. Surely it will break one of these days.

And yes, the land has senior rights on the ditch. This property was farmed by the Spaniards when they settled in the Rio Grande Valley. It's right on the ditch.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sammy,

Take it from a Californian who grew up here. DO NOT LEAVE where you are at. First and foremost for your daughter. There is nothing you will gain in your career that will compensate for the loss you will experience in your relationship with your daughter. Anyone or anything that is telling you it will not be that big of a deal is just silly. 

The second reason is that other than the weather this state sucks and it sucks in a big way. If you would like to watch a state implode and be the first to go bankrupt then run here do not walk. We are being led by morons. Just yesterday they passed a bill here requiring college students to sign consent forms in order to have sex. We also continue to debate a bullet train being built that goes from nowhere to nowhere and would serve nobody and would cost about $94 billion. 

Hey how about we switch places and I will move to Texas. I seriously do not see any long term professional gains here and the long term personal ramifications are more negative than you can imagine at this point as a Father.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

You mentioned salaries aren't as high in the South. I make 100k salary and have many friends here that make that or more in professional jobs here. 

As far as cost of living, I paid $153,000 for my home a few years ago. It is a 3/2/2 in a nice upper middle class community with a country club and golf course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Forgot to mention, I'm in Houston.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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