# Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating



## freshpl

Things have been going downhill. Arguments about random things trying to get a rise out of me. She needs a break to see how she feels about everything, she loves me but not in love me with me. We don't really have any interests in common the usual talk.

Story:
We met over 4 years ago at work she was 21 I was 30, 1st year was rough she cheated on me with her ex then left me, we got back together she got pregnant fast forward today we have 2 kids. She moved out, I helped out with the kids during this time and she insisted no one else is in the picture.

I caught her outside the house in the car making out with her coworker. I also noticed things that were not hers at her house.

He now spends the night there, I hired a PI they go to movies, friends house etc.

I start work next week at the same job site. I talked to an attorney I have to find proof she is neglecting the kids which she is recently, dropping them off sick etc.

I read a zillion articles online so we all know how I feel and the limbo of emotions.

Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids


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## manwithnoname

Besides dumping her ass, one of the first things I'd do is DNA the kids.


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## freshpl

manwithnoname said:


> Besides dumping her ass, one of the first things I'd do is DNA the kids.


DNA on the kids have been done.
thanks for the prompt response.
I have not spoken with her just exchange of kids in the parking lot.


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## 2ntnuf

It is very frustrating. Come to think of it, why would you want her to "do what's right for the kids" and stay in the marriage? She won't do what's right for your marriage. She never will. Time to get those kids dna tested for paternity, especially the first one, even though you love them dearly. 

Get to your attorney and file for divorce. She isn't trustworthy. She doesn't want to change. 

Protect your assets. Protect yourself. Protect your children.


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## manwithnoname

Read up on the many similar stories on here. There are guys who have been through it that can guide you. You'll get varying advice. Do what is best for you, she obviously doesn't care whether the kids are raised by both parents as a family.

She seems to be a serial cheater, you know of at least two times. Serial cheaters are incurable as far as I have seen.


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## jsmart

In order to keep a woman with such a big age gap, you have to stay on top of your game. The amount of times a woman in her 20s is hit on, would blow your mind. It's tough enough with the age gap but then you add that she is a serial cheater and that's the recipe for heart break.

A serial cheating wife is not R material. Trying to pursue her is just going to further disgust her. She see's you as the father of her kids not as her man. Your best bet is to divorce and try to co-parent.

To get a little bit of respect back, you should file for D and have her served at work. Pack her **** on put in guess room and put a lock on master bedroom. Separate your finances. including closing any joint accounts. Expose to her family and friends. If you don't, it will be spun about how unhappy she was due to you're controlling and abusiveness. 

It may seem counter-intuitive but she will respect you more and be better able to co-parent. If not, she will see you as weak and just make your life hell.


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## Satya

So what's your game plan? Are you getting your ducks in a row in addition to gathering evidence?

Sorry for what you're going through, but at least she's not being very sneaky about everything. Seems pretty out in the open. You can use that to your advantage to ensure she doesn't character assassinate you.


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## anchorwatch

@freshpl, 

Explain your thread title, "Marriage going downhill,..."? What marriage? 

Your WW is living with an OM. How is that a marriage? 

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She doesn't agree so there is no marriage! Only paper...

She's at least too immature, not marriage material at all. What could you want to save? 

Have some respect for yourself and show your children better. Wake up, it's just you and them. 

Take your life back. Stop letting her decisions lead your future. NMMNG 

Best to you and your children...


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## browser

The only advice I have for you is to stop spending money on a PI unless you're trying to build a case that she's neglecting the children so you can build a case for sole custody and/or you will receive a more favorable settlement due to her infidelities- which is rarely done by courts nowadays.

You're just throwing good money after bad. 

I know it's after the fact but I have to ask what were you thinking having not one but two children with this woman after everything you had just gone through with her?


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## EunuchMonk

freshpl said:


> Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids



Wait, you're still trying to salvage this? You don't learn, do you? Time to get out, OP, nothing here for you. If you keep pulling this weak "pick-me dance" all you will gain is further humiliation. Give her her walking papers, not tomorrow, not in a month, NOW!


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## Evinrude58

You have got to let go. Yes, your emotions keep you clawing for dear life to keep her. That will do you no good. It will keep you hurting.


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## DustyDog

freshpl said:


> Things have been going downhill. Arguments about random things trying to get a rise out of me. She needs a break to see how she feels about everything, she loves me but not in love me with me. We don't really have any interests in common the usual talk.
> 
> Story:
> We met over 4 years ago at work she was 21 I was 30, 1st year was rough she cheated on me with her ex then left me, we got back together she got pregnant fast forward today we have 2 kids. She moved out, I helped out with the kids during this time and she insisted no one else is in the picture.
> 
> I caught her outside the house in the car making out with her coworker. I also noticed things that were not hers at her house.
> 
> He now spends the night there, I hired a PI they go to movies, friends house etc.
> 
> I start work next week at the same job site. I talked to an attorney I have to find proof she is neglecting the kids which she is recently, dropping them off sick etc.
> 
> I read a zillion articles online so we all know how I feel and the limbo of emotions.
> 
> Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids


Your marriage is short enough that, at least in the United States, she can make no claim on Marital Assets.

With children involved, you can never make a "clean break", but at this early stage, it can be financially simple.

Given her behavior, you might be able to make a case to the court that she's an unfit mother, then you'll have sole custody and no child support to pay. 4 years into a marriage, you're also unlikely to be asked to pay spousal support - in theory, she can return to supporting herself however she did before you were married.

Going emotionally numb when you can't see any method to resolve the issue is a fairly natural self-preservation reaction. And, given her predilection to act as if she's not married - I see no way for this to last.

Too bad you didn't hear the alarm bells when she cheated on you while you had just started dating.

Good luck.


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## freshpl

thank you for your honest responses.

1. I paid a PI once to have evidence in court.
2. Like Jsmart said I have to be on top of my game and I wasn't (kids and work just not enough time for "us")
3. Game plan right now is I start work at the same locations as my so called wife and lover work.
4. Helping with the kids, coming from a child of divorce I know how this effects them and I do not want to use them as the ammunition in this affair it is not fair to them.
5. I plan on filing for D in about 2 weeks max.


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## browser

freshpl said:


> thank you for your honest responses.
> 
> 1. I paid a PI once to have evidence in court.


You've determined that in your geographic location, evidence of infidelity will skew the divorce court's decision in your favor? Or do you live in one of the few remaining states where you can file for an "at fault" divorce?


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## bandit.45

Expose her affair to family.


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## browser

bandit.45 said:


> Expose her affair to family.


Your advice flies in the face of his decision to follow her with a PI. If he's doing it to obtain evidence that he can use to bolster his divorce case, then exposing the affair will make it that much more difficult.


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## 225985

bandit.45 said:


> Expose her affair to family.




Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?


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## MattMatt

freshpl said:


> Things have been going downhill. Arguments about random things trying to get a rise out of me. She needs a break to see how she feels about everything, she loves me but not in love me with me. We don't really have any interests in common the usual talk.
> 
> Story:
> We met over 4 years ago at work she was 21 I was 30, 1st year was rough she cheated on me with her ex then left me, we got back together she got pregnant fast forward today we have 2 kids. She moved out, I helped out with the kids during this time and she insisted no one else is in the picture.
> 
> I caught her outside the house in the car making out with her coworker. I also noticed things that were not hers at her house.
> 
> He now spends the night there, I hired a PI they go to movies, friends house etc.
> 
> I start work next week at the same job site. I talked to an attorney I have to find proof she is neglecting the kids which she is recently, dropping them off sick etc.
> 
> I read a zillion articles online so we all know how I feel and the limbo of emotions.
> 
> Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids


 @freshpl this is not a unique story, sadly. It is quite common.

First of all, where are you in the world? (Your location can make a lot of difference to the advice that should be offered.)

Also, how old are your children?


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## 3putt

blueinbr said:


> Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?


If your name and rep was being dragged through the mud because of her history rewriting and outright lies to justify her adultery, would you not want to step up and clear your name with a shovel full of truth and proof? Anyone who values his name and reputation should have no problem dropping a nuke under those conditions.

Exposure is not that cut and dried. And, personally, I get sick and tired of the advice to play nice to get better terms for divorce. I've seen it happen *once* in 4 years on this board. At the end, the claws always come out, but when that happens, the window of opportunity has passed for getting the truth out. It appears as nothing more than sour grapes and vindictiveness at that point.


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## browser

3putt said:


> It appears as nothing more than sour grapes and vindictiveness at that point.


It appears that way no matter when the exposure is done.

"You cheated on me and I'm going to tell everybody!"

A person with self respect would simply walk away. Anyone in their life who is important to them, whether it's friends or family, would accept them at their word when they say "I left them because they cheated on me". 

End of story.


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## 3putt

browser said:


> It appears that way no matter when the exposure is done.
> 
> "You cheated on me and I'm going to tell everybody!"
> 
> A person with self respect would simply walk away. Anyone in their life who is important to them, whether it's friends or family, would accept them at their word when they say "I left them because they cheated on me".
> 
> End of story.


IMO, a person of self respect wouldn't allow this kind of defamation to occur without a fight. But hey, if that's okay with you, then so be it. I wouldn't allow that to happen, though.


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## browser

3putt said:


> IMO, a person of self respect wouldn't allow this kind of defamation to occur without a fight. But hey, if that's okay with you, then so be it. I wouldn't allow that to happen, though.


What defamation? A partner cheats, they divorce, they move on with their lives. If the question comes up to the betrayed partner as to why they split, the answer is "they cheated on me". To go around telling everyone about the affair and exposing it is a weak and desperate measure that just reeks of hurt and revenge and is probably seen that way by everyone.


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## 3putt

browser said:


> What defamation? A partner cheats, they divorce, they move on with their lives. If the question comes up to the betrayed partner as to why they split, the answer is "they cheated on me". To go around telling everyone about the affair and exposing it is a weak and desperate measure that just reeks of hurt and revenge and is probably seen that way by everyone.


Would you seriously be okay with having your name disparaged as a person and husband as a reason for her doing what she is doing without a rebuttal? 

Seriously?

If people only hear one side of the story, then they're way more inclined to buy into the only story they are hearing.


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## Evinrude58

The cheater gets to carry out the most evil deed they possibly can to their husband, 
Then, they tell sll kinds of bs about their husband to portray him as a bad, evil person. People that don't truly know them lap that up like gravy. 
The truth doesn't need to be blabbed all over for the whole population to hear. But the truth should come out from the betrayed spouse's side. Does one need to talk about nothing but their cheating spouse? No, but truth, yes. 
It's not fair to the betrayed person to be thought of by their peers as a total ass, which he will be portrayed as, and just keep silent.


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## freshpl

bandit.45 said:


> Expose her affair to family.


Her parents recently found out no longer talk to her help her out etc. 
They took her side until they found out. She made me the bad guy that I won't let her go out starts arguments etc.

and yes she got REALLY mad when they found out , more anger towards me


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## ZedZ

IMO...it's time to move on....don't think this can be saved...


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## jlg07

blueinbr said:


> Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?


I think it's important to also set the record straight so that she can't re-write history and make it all his fault.


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## freshpl

I know this is unsalvageable, point is to put guilt on the other party idk what she told him read this in another post:

Confronting the Other Person 
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.


I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.


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## BobSimmons

freshpl said:


> Confronting the Other Person
> You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "*I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together.*
> 
> _Hahaha come on, geez, really, you think appealing to the senses of the man who knew your wife was married, still pursued her and now is living with her is going to work? That suddenly he'll read a note and go oh geez I feel bad, let me stop banging this woman and return her to her husband..because you know...love.._
> 
> *Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay.*
> 
> _No it's not okay, this point has been put down in the harshest term possible, I don't think the OM knew but glad it's been pointed out.._
> *
> This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.*
> 
> ...... :surprise:
> 
> *I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation*.
> 
> _So you're trying to guilt trip your wife back? And that's going to make her want to have sex with you?
> 
> 
> I know you didn't write the note but even posting it...man listen, just file for divorce and get your stones back and find another woman._


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## freshpl

Thank you for your honest answer.


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## freshpl

Update: I asked how the kids were she said they were sick, I offered to take care of them as I have one week off work. She declined. Instead she had to hire a nanny for the 1 1/2 year old and the 3 yr old was sent to preschool sick.

And I ask how where kids are and how they are doing . Texts are "I already told you" basically. To get any info I have to ask twice.

It just disgusts me that I have to build my case to help the kids, I can't just take them to be with me to help them.


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## Lostinthought61

Fresh is this the man you want to show your daughter to marry dome day, a man who would put up with a continuous cheater....and you know in your heat that you are never going to be enough for her, and what of your son, are you going to tell him that it's okay to be a doormat, to be cuckold the rest of your life....face it you screwed up the first time when she slept with her boss and you took her back...if you stay with her then you will have to look in the mirror everyday and realize that you are a doormat, and telling her that it's okay to continue her actions....


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## Lostinthought61

To your update, you need to keep track of everything for court documents.....her texts everything...she may be an unfit mom as well.


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## bandit.45

Your lawyer should be able to petition to have the temp custody conditions changed. She can't dictate to you when you can or cannot have the kids. 

I hate...HATE....vindictive, mean women who use their kids to exact meanness on their kids fathers.


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## browser

3putt said:


> Would you seriously be okay with having your name disparaged as a person and husband as a reason for her doing what she is doing without a rebuttal?
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> If people only hear one side of the story, then they're way more inclined to buy into the only story they are hearing.


For the most part I don't really give a crap about what other people think. The small handful that matter, will know before I even tell them.


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## Taxman

Let the divorce papers do the talking. Have her served at work in front of everyone she knows.


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## jlg07

freshpl said:


> Update: I asked how the kids were she said they were sick, I offered to take care of them as I have one week off work. She declined. Instead she had to hire a nanny for the 1 1/2 year old and the 3 yr old was sent to preschool sick.
> 
> And I ask how where kids are and how they are doing . Texts are "I already told you" basically. To get any info I have to ask twice.
> 
> It just disgusts me that I have to build my case to help the kids, I can't just take them to be with me to help them.


You should be able to be with/have your children without her "declining". You need to get child custody worked out ASAP. It's pretty obvious that you need to a) get to a lawyer, and b) get your finances separated from her. She is manipulating you with the children -- you need to make sure you document all of this (save those emails!!).


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## bandit.45

I am continually astonished at how some women think that their children are their personal property, and that their husbands have no input as to the visitation schedules, when they are allowed to see their own kids, etc.... It just astonishes me that women in today's society are not more privy to how little power they actually have. They are so entitled and delusional, they actually think their decisions carry the weight of law.


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## TDSC60

freshpl said:


> I know this is unsalvageable, point is to put guilt on the other party idk what she told him read this in another post:
> 
> Confronting the Other Person
> You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.
> 
> 
> I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.


It might make you feel better to confront the other guy, but do you think he cares?

It is a waste of time and just make the divorce more contentious.

Drop it.


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## OnTheRocks

Don't physically confront him. And believe me, I wanted to do this when I was going through this. Even if you lay him out, it will only make things worse for you in one way or another in the long run. Take solace in the fact that she's his problem now.


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## freshpl

OnTheRocks said:


> Don't physically confront him. And believe me, I wanted to do this when I was going through this. Even if you lay him out, it will only make things worse for you in one way or another in the long run. Take solace in the fact that she's his problem now.


I am keeping my emotions in check I won't be confronting him. He is spending the night at her house now with the kids present.
Red Flag was 4 years ago she dropped one relationship for the other in a matter of days. That is the type of person she is.

Started working out , starting the new job on Monday.
Going to visit the kids at her place to make sure they are ok. I really don't want to see her but I don't want her dragging the sick kids out in the cold just to meet me so I am going there.

Thank you again for the responses and good advice


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## Satya

This would be good to familiarize yourself with. 

http://dadsdivorce.com/articles/parental-alienation-considered-threat-public-health/


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## Vinnydee

Know the feeling. I found out a different way. She did not clean herself too well before we had oral sex. I do not know what would be worse; seeing her have sex or tasting the result of her having sex.


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## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> I am continually astonished at how some women think that their children are their personal property, and that their husbands have no input as to the visitation schedules, when they are allowed to see their own kids, etc.... It just astonishes me that women in today's society are not more privy to how little power they actually have. They are so entitled and delusional, they actually think their decisions carry the weight of law.


They don't think their decisions carry the weight of the law, but they are depending on weak men to believe these lies. The only reason that it works is because the men it is directed at believe it.


freshpl said:


> I am keeping my emotions in check I won't be confronting him. He is spending the night at her house now with the kids present.
> Red Flag was 4 years ago she dropped one relationship for the other in a matter of days. That is the type of person she is.
> 
> Started working out , starting the new job on Monday.
> Going to visit the kids at her place to make sure they are ok. I really don't want to see her but I don't want her dragging the sick kids out in the cold just to meet me so I am going there.
> 
> Thank you again for the responses and good advice


You can pick your children up and take them home with you. They need you in their lives. Leaving them with a babysitter while you are at home alone is foolish. Go the house, tell the babysitter you are taking your children and will call 911 if she tries to block you and you will have her charged with kidnapping. Get the police involved if necessary. You are rolling over like a trained dog. If this is how you live your life you may as well just give up now.

I am also wondering why on earth you are switching jobs to a new job where you will be working with you STBXW and her lover. What are you thinking?


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## browser

Vinnydee said:


> Know the feeling. I found out a different way. She did not clean herself too well before we had oral sex. I do not know what would be worse; seeing her have sex or tasting the result of her having sex.


 @Vinnydee

Thanks for this. Going to print it out and stick it on the freezer door the next time my GF buys chocolate chip ice cream.


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## freshpl

I'm glad I found this forum that's all I can say.

At first I hated how people were giving honest answers because of the love fog in my eyes.

Took me 3 hard weeks to where I am today.

Some advice I can give to people(I know each situation is different and everyone goes thru stages differently) on how I went thru this ordeal.

Take time to lay on the floor and f"n cry just cry and lay there when you get up lay down and cry some more let it all out.
No contact with the cheater if you have kids like me just respond with parental related texts. no need to answer the phone even if they call 3 times. texts are fine.

READ , lots of good material on infidelity online this helped me see and process the situation clearly.

You will probably throw up after your first meal in 2 days.

Yes you will feel like someone took a rusty infected knife to your chest and cut your heart out.

If your no longer on the floor crying then your making progress. You gotta let that **** out scream yell whatever. blast fn music till the speakers blow.

No alcohol or drugs trust me this will make things worse.

Start going out slowly taking the garbage out having a friend over for a few minutes etc.

I also talked on the phone with 2 friends literally every hour when I had a sinking feeling just to complain and let **** out this helped out at lot. No need to tell everyone just 2 close friends that you know will be there for you.

Right now I'm in a good place. I see this ***** at work and don't care about what shes' doing or saying. My priorities are my kids nothing else. You will feel like this with time. I know everyone says this, I also wished that some magic pill would make that feeling go away in the beginning.

Lastly listen to the people on the forum they are not wearing the love glasses and if a ***** is cheating on you and doesn't care about you or the kids then its time to man up and stop *****ing about how much you love her she doesn't fn love you she is selfish and needs some serious help.

Thanks again for the responses and will update on my situation until the divorce is final


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## Popcorn2015

freshpl said:


> DNA on the kids have been done.


Done by whom? When? Have the results come back yet?


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## TDSC60

This situation is why I am reluctant to recommend R on here. 

She cheated early on in your relationship and you thought you won the prize when she came back to you. Several kids latter she is at it again.


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## Blacksmith01

1. No more talking to her on the phone. Only text/e-mail. 
2. Her not letting you take care of them while you are out of work for a week can be used against her.
3. No more talking to her on the phone.
4. Ask to spend more time with the kids. All her no's will come back to bite her in the back side.
5. No more talking on the phone.


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## weightlifter

Vinnydee said:


> Know the feeling. I found out a different way. She did not clean herself too well before we had oral sex. I do not know what would be worse; seeing her have sex or tasting the result of her having sex.


ewwwww

OH and read the WHOLE story by the poster Whyeme. HIDEOUS near suicidal beginning... EPIC end.


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## Grapes

Few questions to ask you before i can offer anything.

Do you own a home?
How long ago did she move out?
Do you get any time with the kids at all?

This all matters because if she moved out recently then you need to file immediately and NOT wait 2 weeks. When you file you need an order from the court to return the kids to the marital home that she ABANDONED! Temp custody. do not wait!

If she has been out for a long time and you have a ****ty agreement with the kids that you barely see - well you could have dug your own grave because you've allowed a status quo. Speak to a lawyer now, stop waiting.

You really NEED to start acting immediately man or your going to end up an every other weekend father. Is that what you want? If you want your kids you have to start fighting for them now.

She is so many steps ahead of you. This is no longer about an affair. It sucks! i agree, and i can relate but this is now about your kids and getting as much time with their father as possible.


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## freshpl

Do you own a home? yes
How long ago did she move out? shes is renting about a month ago
Do you get any time with the kids at all? yes i see them regularly weekends and weekdays ( surprisingly she has seen the damage and is not giving me problems seeing the kids.


Update: the other night 3am: TEXT: you win: Karma got me 
next day another TEXT: I'm sorry

Did not respond to any of them. Looks like the affair fell apart real quick.
She is still going out partying with her college friends so she has no sympathy from me.

I did talk to a lawyer I am still collecting all emails and texts from her.
Will be filing real soon. Only communication I have is thru text and only about kids she tries to call every other day I don't pick up


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## Marc878

This will be a broken record if you take her back. This is the second time she's cheated that you know of. Serial cheaters don't stop.

If you're smart you'll D this. Or get played again and again.


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## VFW

I wonder if she has ever been tested for bipolar disorder? As for the anger, somebody has to be blamed for this mess and she has decided it is you. Well you didn't expect her to take responsibility for her own actions did you? (tongue in cheek). Since you won't let her bait you into an argument, the kids are the only weapon that she has left. You are right on target, stay focus and do what you have to do.


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## TDSC60

freshpl said:


> Do you own a home? yes
> How long ago did she move out? shes is renting about a month ago
> Do you get any time with the kids at all? yes i see them regularly weekends and weekdays ( surprisingly she has seen the damage and is not giving me problems seeing the kids.
> 
> 
> Update: the other night 3am: TEXT: you win: Karma got me
> next day another TEXT: I'm sorry
> 
> Did not respond to any of them. Looks like the affair fell apart real quick.
> She is still going out partying with her college friends so she has no sympathy from me.
> 
> I did talk to a lawyer I am still collecting all emails and texts from her.
> Will be filing real soon. Only communication I have is thru text and only about kids she tries to call every other day I don't pick up


Her texts at 3 AM mean nothing. Ignore them.

Don't engage her at all. She made her choice and has to live with it.

Take care of your kids and yourself and let her live her life. You will be much better off without her drama upsetting you.


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## sokillme

freshpl said:


> Update: the other night 3am: TEXT: you win: Karma got me
> next day another TEXT: I'm sorry


These people are such awful human beings. Seriously why anyone would even want to be around them let alone be married to them is beyond me. Let her go be with the people who go on Jerry Springer. Move on to a better class of person.


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## arbitrator

DustyDog said:


> Your marriage is short enough that, at least in the United States, she can make no claim on Marital Assets.
> 
> With children involved, you can never make a "clean break", but at this early stage, it can be financially simple.
> 
> Given her behavior, you might be able to make a case to the court that she's an unfit mother, then you'll have sole custody and no child support to pay. 4 years into a marriage, you're also unlikely to be asked to pay spousal support - in theory, she can return to supporting herself however she did before you were married.
> 
> Going emotionally numb when you can't see any method to resolve the issue is a fairly natural self-preservation reaction. And, given her predilection to act as if she's not married - I see no way for this to last.
> 
> Too bad you didn't hear the alarm bells when she cheated on you while you had just started dating.
> 
> Good luck.


*It's no real secret that skanks like her would simply live off the child support and at the same time, have absolutely no problem in depriving the kids!

By the way, get yourself tested immediately for the presence of STD's!*


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## freshpl

VFW said:


> I wonder if she has ever been tested for bipolar disorder? As for the anger, somebody has to be blamed for this mess and she has decided it is you. Well you didn't expect her to take responsibility for her own actions did you? (tongue in cheek). Since you won't let her bait you into an argument, the kids are the only weapon that she has left. You are right on target, stay focus and do what you have to do.


I have been on course mentally and physically thanks to this forum.

I was wondering the same thing she could be bipolar. The emotional rollercoaster from her side is off the charts and the drop of a hat being nice all of a sudden..

Texts like URGENT CALL ME and 3 missed calls after work don't phase me anymore she desperately wants to talk on the phone which I refuse to only via text and only about kids. I don't reply to anything else.

Staying on course. Thank you again for the support!


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## TDSC60

Getting you on the phone could be her trying to trap you into saying something stupid or hurtful while she is recording you.

Limit communication to email or with a third party present.


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## Taxman

Well the obvious is now happening: She has been unceremoniously dumped. Now she is desperate for a plan B. Let the divorce do the talking. Let her feel desperation, nausea at being alone, vomiting at the thought of being destitute. Diarrhea at the thought of you having a new life with someone new. She placed you in the toilet, urinated profusely and flushed. Too bad it is now her life circling the bowl. Ha Ha Ha.

Karma, gotta love it. Bet it smacked her head right out of her butt. She looked around and had that "Oh Merde" moment. Now that she has had two affairs under her belt, it would behoove you to ensure that the courts find out about her hobby. Judges are hesitant to allow children into the homes of women who do not need air conditioners: the revolving door of f**k-buddies provides enough air flow.


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## jlg07

One item I haven't seen here. .. make sure you document everything with the kids. When you had them what you did. What you bought etc. Document any bad interactions the kids tell you about your stbxw. You may need this down the line of she tries to be vindictive.


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## freshpl

I need advice if I should expose her to all her FB friends, email all her coworkers? email all his FB friends? send them the detective photos and summary while they were out having a fun night 2 sick kids with Dad were at home.

Or should I just let it go and move on, I know in some threads advice is to expose the affair.


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## GusPolinski

What's your goal in exposing?

Are you looking to divorce or reconcile?


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## freshpl

GusPolinski said:


> What's your goal in exposing?
> 
> Are you looking to divorce or reconcile?


I am looking to divorce, she has played the game too long apologizing but still seeing him. texting that she made a mistake but still seeing him.

Exposing her will make her hate me showing the real person that she is to everyone.


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## BobSimmons

freshpl said:


> Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids


Woah, no she should not the cheating because she wants to be with you. She already cheated on you once and look what happened.

Take a hint (if a hint is cheating and moving out) pal.


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## Wolfman1968

Dude, it's 2 months since your first post. 

Have you filed yet? You need to move.

Expose or not expose, it shouldn't be your biggest priority. You could expose only to control the narrative around your family and friends in order to prevent her from tricking them with false stories against you. But that's about it. Don't turn it into a war...yet.
Your biggest target should be to get custody of your kids. From what you've posted, they're better off under your care than hers.

Get going. Your kids depend on you.


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## Tatsuhiko

Your wife is a serial cheater, addicted to attention from men. She always needs her fix. When attention from her lover dies down, she starts frantically calling you for some. If you take her back, she'll soon be onto her next fix from a 4th and 5th other man. Her instability will ultimately scar your children and destroy your family. Better to rip the band-aid off now and get the kids used to parents that live separately. 

File for divorce. Let your attorney know that you don't want your kids exposed to a revolving door of men. Share your evidence of the fact that she's already introduced her kids to OM. Share your evidence of her neglect and their anxiety after her abandonment to get custody.


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## freshpl

Wolfman1968 said:


> Dude, it's 2 months since your first post.
> 
> Have you filed yet? You need to move.
> 
> Expose or not expose, it shouldn't be your biggest priority. You could expose only to control the narrative around your family and friends in order to prevent her from tricking them with false stories against you. But that's about it. Don't turn it into a war...yet.
> Your biggest target should be to get custody of your kids. From what you've posted, they're better off under your care than hers.
> 
> Get going. Your kids depend on you.


Papers are all ready and will be filed next week. I am also asking the court for a psychological evaluation on her if she is fit mentally to look after the kids.

Trust me I have moved on, once everything is signed then maybe I will do the exposing of what really happened and is going on


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## Marc878

I wouldn't do a Facebook exposure. Would put a list of folks together that I wanted to know.

Nothing wrong with clearing the air with the truth.


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## harrybrown

nothing wrong with exposing.

But do talk to your attorney before exposing.

Glad you are moving on.


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## Marc878

Talking isn't going to fix this. Trying to manipulate through words is weak at best.

Let your actions do your talking for you.


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## freshpl

Thank you all for your input on the FB exposure/work exposure. I will see how I feel about it after everything is signed.


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## TDSC60

Don't send out lots of emails or messages to everyone exposing her affair.

Just post a public message on your page after the divorce stating that the divorce is final and yourself respect demanded that you divorce because she was being unfaithful to you with a coworker. If anyone asks questions - tell them the truth.


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## farsidejunky

If you are divorcing, do not expose.

Use it as leverage when you are haggling over marital assets.


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## eric1

If you are divorcing play the 'well schucks, I can't fight true love. I sure hope you have a great love and I'll be here for you as a friend' card.

Keep her dumb, fat and happy as much as possible. It's strategically the soundest way to go. She'll figure out she was bamboozled when they psyche test comes in, but you will have bought yourself weeks of inaction on her part


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## DEMI6

Why work around them?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

freshpl said:


> I need advice if I should expose her to all her FB friends, email all her coworkers? email all his FB friends? send them the detective photos and summary while they were out having a fun night 2 sick kids with Dad were at home.


Yes.


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## skerzoid

[freshpl] "I need advice if I should expose her to all her FB friends, email all her coworkers? email all his FB friends? send them the detective photos and summary while they were out having a fun night 2 sick kids with Dad were at home.

Or should I just let it go and move on, I know in some threads advice is to expose the affair?"


Inform her friends by private message with your explanation. Change your facebook status to single. Don't include the poor Dad at home stuff, it makes you look weak. You want to appear strong and in control. Exude confidence as an alpha male. You could have her served at work if you believe in shock and awe. You could approach HR at work with your story. Be careful with your photos, they could be construed as revenge porn or something similar.


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## freshpl

I want to thank everyone for the help and suggestions. I have not exposed her to anyone, did not message people at her work or facebook. I let everything run its course. I have been watching the kids and spending most of the time with them 4-5 days out of the week.

Fast forward to now - 
I received a Text that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, (I think she is on meds) - admits that she has a problem(bipolar as people suggested on here) , wants best for the kids and will do everything for them to have and live with both parents.

Do people really remorse this quickly? I have been doing really well mentally and this text kind of sidetracked me..


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## InspiralImplode

Maybe it doesn't take too long to see the error of their ways? I guess its your turn to do some soul searching. She needs to do a lot more to prove herself to you before you let her back. Nice job taking care of yourself. Proof that it works for anyone who wants their spouse to come back


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## GusPolinski

freshpl said:


> I want to thank everyone for the help and suggestions. I have not exposed her to anyone, did not message people at her work or facebook. I let everything run its course. I have been watching the kids and spending most of the time with them 4-5 days out of the week.
> 
> Fast forward to now -
> I received a Text that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, (I think she is on meds) - admits that she has a problem(bipolar as people suggested on here) , wants best for the kids and will do everything for them to have and live with both parents.
> 
> Do people really remorse this quickly? I have been doing really well mentally and this text kind of sidetracked me..


She probably got dumped. That or she's looking for a more calculated, advantageous exit. Or both.

Tell her you're glad that she's getting help, but that a) she needs to do that for herself and for the kids and b) you're moving forward with the divorce as planned.


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## Cynthia

GusPolinski said:


> She probably got dumped. That or she's looking for a more calculated, advantageous exit. Or both.
> 
> Tell her you're glad that she's getting help, but that a) she needs to do that for herself and for the kids and b) you're moving forward with the divorce as planned.


I hate to agree with Gus on this, but his scenarios are the most likely possibilities for what's going on. Trust is something that is earned. After someone has gone so low and broken all boundaries of marital decency, it would take a healthy person a long time to ever trust again. Forgiveness does not require restoration of the relationship.

If you are thinking about restoring your marriage relationship, please be very careful. People very rarely change. They can put on a good show for a while, but real change takes a lot of introspection and struggle. That takes time. Even when people change, it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process of their eyes being opening to things and their willingness to face those issues and resolve them one at a time.

You can divorce her and get on with your life while still giving her time. Now, while she is cooperative is the best time to wrap up loose ends and finish the divorce. If she is truly changing, you can sit back and watch her for a year or two and see what happens. In the whole scheme of life, that is not very long, but it could save you years of further heartache. Furthermore, if she really does change and grow, she will have an opportunity to do that as a responsible, single adult.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

freshpl said:


> I want to thank everyone for the help and suggestions. I have not exposed her to anyone, did not message people at her work or facebook. I let everything run its course. I have been watching the kids and spending most of the time with them 4-5 days out of the week.
> 
> Fast forward to now -
> I received a Text that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, (I think she is on meds) - admits that she has a problem(bipolar as people suggested on here) , wants best for the kids and will do everything for them to have and live with both parents.
> 
> Do people really remorse this quickly? I have been doing really well mentally and this text kind of sidetracked me..


Did you actually file for divorce? 

Anyway, that is not remorse. That's her getting back to being with you so she can run off again in the future. My personal opinion is that being mentally ill is not a hall pass for cheating. Many bi-polar/schizophrenic people don't cheat. Don't fall for it. Divorce her. By running off with another man, insulting you with lies and playing stupid games, lying to her family and more she asked for it. After the divorce if she ever spends the time to fix herself and show you through actions that she is truly remorseful and wants to be a faithful wife and you can always date her and remarry her. By then you may have moved on to something better, someone who leave not you wondering if she is going to cheat. Too bad for her. She made her bed, now she can sleep in it. Divorce is not the end of the world. She can still be a great mom through co-parenting and be someone else's ex-cheating wife problem, just not your problem. Choice is yours, do you want to spend the rest of your life snooping on her?


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## Marc878

freshpl said:


> I want to thank everyone for the help and suggestions. I have not exposed her to anyone, did not message people at her work or facebook. I let everything run its course. I have been watching the kids and spending most of the time with them 4-5 days out of the week.
> 
> Fast forward to now -
> I received a Text that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, (I think she is on meds) - admits that she has a problem(bipolar as people suggested on here) , wants best for the kids and will do everything for them to have and live with both parents.
> 
> Do people really remorse this quickly? I have been doing really well mentally and this text kind of sidetracked me..


You still living on Hope and breadcrumbs? Jeeze man?


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## TX-SC

I tend to agree with people saying she was dumped by her coworker and now seeks solace in her second choice (you). However, it is possible that if she is bipolar, medicine could get her back on track and she may be remorseful now that she is thinking clearly. I would not bet on it though.


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## sokillme

I can't even.


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## Lostinthought61

I understand your trying to keep the family together but she will never have the respect for you...you never outed her (shame on you), you cockold her while see was seeking a the guy and now you will be plan b. get ready to go through it again.


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## eric1

Dude


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## ABHale

Do not get sucked back in. 

Keep moving forward.


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## skerzoid

"Do people really remorse this quickly?" No.

You keep saying, "Thanks for the advice." and then not following it. Really? 

What happened to the divorce? That should have been filed whether you want to divorce or not. She has had zilch consequences. 

This is pretty frustrating to watch. She must be some really great woman that you would want to stay with her. You will end up having some other man be with your kids if you don't get strong really quick.


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## TDSC60

freshpl said:


> I want to thank everyone for the help and suggestions. I have not exposed her to anyone, did not message people at her work or facebook. I let everything run its course. I have been watching the kids and spending most of the time with them 4-5 days out of the week.
> 
> Fast forward to now -
> I received a Text that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, (I think she is on meds) - admits that she has a problem(bipolar as people suggested on here) , wants best for the kids and will do everything for them to have and live with both parents.
> 
> Do people really remorse this quickly? I have been doing really well mentally and this text kind of sidetracked me..


A bipolar diagnosis does not excuse or explain her cheating on you the way she has done. Lots of bipolar people (my wife) deal with it without physically cheating. Something else is wrong with her character to allow her to treat you and the kids the way she has. She sounds like a serial cheater and they do not change overnight. They can hide it for a long time but she will eventually cheat again. Continue with the divorce and do not let yourself get side tracked by this expected drama. Seen it time and time again here. You are just now beginning to heal and she is trying to suck you back into the black hole that is her center. You are her Plan B - her second or third choice - don't fall for it.

She most likely cannot stand to see you realize that she is no good for you.


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## TDSC60

Do not get sidetracked.

Bipolar does not excuse or explain her cheating the way she has done. Lots of bipolar people never cheat.


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## freshpl

skerzoid said:


> "Do people really remorse this quickly?" No.
> 
> You keep saying, "Thanks for the advice." and then not following it. Really?
> 
> What happened to the divorce? That should have been filed whether you want to divorce or not. She has had zilch consequences.
> 
> This is pretty frustrating to watch. She must be some really great woman that you would want to stay with her. You will end up having some other man be with your kids if you don't get strong really quick.


The only advice I have not done yet is officially file
From the very beginning I have done no contact as suggested
No drugs alcohol, No retaliation etc.

. Everything is ready to file, I did get a little sidetracked from the text - I knew it was coming..


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## syhoybenden

My dear old Dad used to have something he would repeat to me whenever he saw me getting all trepidatious about something.

It was "Sh*t or get off the pot!".


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## eric1

She is currently full-on dating another guy. Like not just the passionate affair sex dating, but talking about what kind of pie to bring to their friend's pool party dating.

This is why when the Bible was being written that Jesus rode down on in magic unicorn (or however Christian Deities travel) and whispered into Matthew, Mark, Luke and John's ear that divorce was bad EXCEPT for adulterous behavior.

This is literally why you divorce man. Some people get divorced over silly stuff. She literally replaced you (my sympathy to your replacement) yet you are hedging on not formally telling her that isn't OK?

You can be the George McFly who got tripped by Biff or you can be the George McFly who socked the crap out of him at the Under the Sea dance.


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## GusPolinski

freshpl said:


> The only advice I have not done yet is officially file
> From the very beginning I have done no contact as suggested
> No drugs alcohol, No retaliation etc.
> 
> . Everything is ready to file, I did get a little sidetracked from the text - I knew it was coming..


You posted this on May 14th -- nearly two months ago...



freshpl said:


> Papers are all ready and will be filed next week. I am also asking the court for a psychological evaluation on her if she is fit mentally to look after the kids.
> 
> Trust me I have moved on, once everything is signed then maybe I will do the exposing of what really happened and is going on


What happened?

Dude, she's a serial. Serials don't stop.


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## RWB

Bipolar or not, she has suffered NO CONSEQUENCE. What lesson has she learned about the dire consequences of infidelity to a marriage?

ZIP.

Serial Cheaters crave the Highs... throw a Bipolar High on top... Time to bail.


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## Chaparral

At least google serial cheaters. What ever serial cheaters get out of cheating it must be wonderful for them because they cannot quit cheating.

If you want a lifetime of pain stick with her.

Also, google sociopath.


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## Tatsuhiko

Things didn't work out with the boyfriend, and now she needs the security and comfort you've always provided. She'll need this for a while, until she finds her next boyfriend.


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## KaggyBear

freshpl said:


> Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids


Hope you finally divorced the she-devil. she is bad


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## Dyokemm

syhoybenden said:


> My dear old Dad used to have something he would repeat to me whenever he saw me getting all trepidatious about something.
> 
> It was "Sh*t or get off the pot!".


I agree....

During my training at the Naval Academy they continuously hammered into us the danger of indecision in crisis.


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## Cynthia

freshpl said:


> The only advice I have not done yet is officially file
> From the very beginning I have done no contact as suggested
> No drugs alcohol, No retaliation etc.
> 
> . Everything is ready to file, I did get a little sidetracked from the text - I knew it was coming..


What! You haven't filed? The best thing you can do for yourself, your kids, and her is to file immediately. If she is truly remorseful, she will not fight you on anything and will be anxious to get the help she needs.

If she were truly remorseful, she would do anything she could to help you to move forward and heal. Nothing would be about her in her communications with you. Sure, she could still be faking if she does that, as it is only one indicator, but if she can't keep up the facade you would know immediately when she couldn't keep up that she was faking.

Furthermore, if your wife is bipolar, knowing that doesn't make her easier to live with, especially if she now has something to blame her poor character on rather than facing her character issues. People tend to grasp whatever they can to take the blame so they don't have to do the hard work. Don't let her use illness to get out of being of good character. There are plenty of people with bi-polar that don't cheat and are of good character.

Stop delaying doing the right thing. Stop enabling her and start setting some serious and healthy boundaries.


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## TheTruthHurts

Why are you afraid to file?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Until you file for divorce and legal separation you are liable for any debts she incurs. She could be out right now racking up debts having a good old time with her boyfriend, and you will be stuck with the bill. And if she is in manic phase? God help you.


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## Cynthia

bandit.45 said:


> Until you file for divorce and legal separation you are liable for any debts she incurs. She could be out right now racking up debts having a good old time with her boyfriend, and you will be stuck with the bill. And if she is in manic phase? God help you.


Take this seriously. If you think things are bad now, it can get worse. Stop the bleeding now.


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## manwithnoname

TheTruthHurts said:


> Why are you afraid to file?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Because this guy gets tripped by the George McFly who gets tripped by Biff.


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