# No one wants to see my kids :(



## Jadiel

I never really wanted to have children. Big shocker there, I know. Wasn't too excited about it when the Mrs. told me she was pregnant. Honestly kind of wanted it to be "taken care of". But I persevered, manned up, and handling them fairly well. I'm not the best dad but at least I'm here and I try. 

What's getting to me is that no one else seems to want to have anything to do with them. There's always some last minute reason why no one can ever spend time with them. Today, Grandmother was supposed to take them to some 4th Activities, but of course I wake up, she's gone, and the kids are like "WTF? weren't we doing something?"

Honestly they have almost zero relationship with their grandparents. It's not like we drop them off there all the time or try to hit them up for money or overnight babysitting jobs all the time. I don't get it. I can be talking on facebook to my mom and the second I mention maybe visiting with the kids, it'll just say "Seen" and then no more replies for the day. 

WTF did we do wrong?


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## arbitrator

*(1) Either your W wanted kids and you didn't, or (2) neither of you actually wanted them but neither wanted to take the time to practice contraception!

As such, your children are the innocent victims here and for that you should be ashamed of your feelings of not wanting them.

Not to worry, though! You are more than conveying that sad fact to them whether you're acutely aware of it or not. And in the years to come, whenever you're lonely, old and decrepit, they'll come to remember you for it by showing you the very same emotional neglect that you're now exhibiting so well to them!*


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## turnera

You never really wanted kids...your parents never want to be around your kids...see the connection?

My mom didn't particularly want kids, but she loved us to death once we came. But she was never the loving, doting mom. Never played games with us, we had to do what she wanted to do if we wanted to spend time with her, etc.

So I wasn't particularly enthused about having kids. But I did a pretty good job, over and above her. But still...

And while she wanted to be around our daughter, she never really pushed for it, except for a one-week stay every summer.

You probably learned your philosophy from your parents, whether you knew they were like that or not. No surprise they aren't going to suddenly change into different people.

Either that, or they're in their 'second life' now and don't want to be tied down.

Have you asked them about it?


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## Thundarr

So your question is why the grandparents aren't as engaged as you think they should be. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to spend time with your kids but that's me projecting. Maybe it's no longer about whether they want to see them but instead about the power struggle and them feeling pressured. Some people would cut off their own nose to spite their face if they thought someone was telling them they couldn't.

Also a lot of us go though a phase after our kids are grown and we want some time to do things we were not able to when raising kids. If your parents have just recently found themselves not raising their own kids then maybe they're in that frame of mind now which conflicts with being a grandparent. But that phase will pass if it's going on.


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## unblinded

Jadiel said:


> I never really wanted to have children. Big shocker there, I know. Wasn't too excited about it when the Mrs. told me she was pregnant. Honestly kind of wanted it to be "taken care of". But I persevered, manned up, and handling them fairly well. I'm not the best dad but at least I'm here and I try.
> 
> *What's getting to me is that no one else seems to want to have anything to do with them.* There's always some last minute reason why no one can ever spend time with them. Today, Grandmother was supposed to take them to some 4th Activities, but of course I wake up, she's gone, and the kids are like "WTF? weren't we doing something?"
> 
> Honestly they have almost zero relationship with their grandparents. It's not like we drop them off there all the time or try to hit them up for money or overnight babysitting jobs all the time. I don't get it. I can be talking on facebook to my mom and the second I mention maybe visiting with the kids, it'll just say "Seen" and then no more replies for the day.
> 
> WTF did we do wrong?


_That's_ what is bothering you? I don't want to sound harsh, but you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Your attitude towards your children is disappointing, and I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that it comes through as strongly in person as it does through this forum.

My advice is to--rather than simply tolerate your kids--take time to enjoy them. Don't worry about other people entertaining them...that's your job.


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## Thundarr

Jadiel, it seems that everyone's too angry at you for not wanting kids at first to notice that you're defending them and that you're trying to be a good parent. Do you think you're hypersensitive to your parents not showing your kids more attention because you think they didn't want grandkids? If so then that's projection 101 and it will make you assume things that aren't really there.


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## WorkingWife

Jadiel said:


> I never really wanted to have children. Big shocker there, I know. Wasn't too excited about it when the Mrs. told me she was pregnant. Honestly kind of wanted it to be "taken care of". But I persevered, manned up, and handling them fairly well. I'm not the best dad but at least I'm here and I try.
> 
> What's getting to me is that no one else seems to want to have anything to do with them. There's always some last minute reason why no one can ever spend time with them. Today, Grandmother was supposed to take them to some 4th Activities, but of course I wake up, she's gone, and the kids are like "WTF? weren't we doing something?"
> 
> Honestly they have almost zero relationship with their grandparents. It's not like we drop them off there all the time or try to hit them up for money or overnight babysitting jobs all the time. I don't get it. I can be talking on facebook to my mom and the second I mention maybe visiting with the kids, it'll just say "Seen" and then no more replies for the day.
> 
> WTF did we do wrong?


You haven't said anything about your kids being difficult, so my best guess is that one of the reasons you "never really wanted kids" was because you were raised by parents that weren't all that enthusiastic about having kids themselves. And they're probably no more enthusiastic about being grandparents. You mom is probably just not into kids.

How excited did she get when you told her your wife was pregnant? Did she say how she wanted grandchildren before the pregnancies?

I know so many women who want to be grandmothers so bad and are so excited, but not all are like that. My parents are divorced and my dad and step mom have shown absolutely no interest in my having kids, if anything they've discouraged it mentioning what a hassle it can be. 

I would probably just let it drop with your mom, but maybe try to nurture some friendships with other older people if you know any. There are a lot of people who just love kids and wish they had more grandchildren. I remember when I was a kid spending time with "Grandma and Grandpa Stanley" who were just friends from my mom's church, but they were like surrogate grandparents and really became extended family to us.

PS - Make sure you enjoy your children and they know that you and your wife love them and are happy to have them.


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## unblinded

Thundarr said:


> Jadiel, it seems that everyone's too angry at you for not wanting kids at first to notice that you're defending them and that you're trying to be a good parent.


No he's not defending his kids. He's angry that his parents (apparently) avoid spending time with his kids.

We don't know if his parents are avoiding the kids or him.

We don't know whether the lack of grandparent involvement bothers the kids.

We don't know if the OP's expectations are even realistic. 

I will say, though, that his attitude regarding his kids is far more damaging than his parents avoiding them.


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## MarriedDude

It was like that with my dad and my first son, less with the second, and he pretty attached to the third.

My in-laws like them in small doses, a week at a time every couple of months. 

The thing to remember, your parents and in-laws have lives too, and things to do. They will come around. 

Count your blessings. My mother has never met my youngest(14) and has spent less than 1 hour...total with my oldest...they're 24 and 21.

Enjoy em...they grow soooooo fast
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

I'm a very hands-on grandmother but not all grandmothers are (if that's who you mean by "no one" wants to see your children). Some grandmothers feel they brought up their children and now they're done -- even when it's their grandchildren they can't seem to find time for. 

Maybe that's what you're dealing with. If so, it's their loss. Grandchildren are far more fun, I think, than children are.


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## Jadiel

Wow...just...wow. Trying to figure out where I said something about hating my children and always reminding them of what horrible unwanted diseases they are. But I can't! 

Apparently I need to clarify: When it was first discovered we were having kids I was not enthused. That feeling is not a current emotion in my household. Thought I said something to that effect....ah well. 

It's not that I don't want to do anything with them. It's the fact that when my attitude was "Here's 100 reasons we shouldnt have kids" everyone was all about how awesome they are. Yeah, they are awesome. It took me a while but I finally figured it out. I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to deal with them I guess.

Edit: It'd be easier if they just made it clear they don't want to see them. I'd understand I guess. But don't make plans with them. Don't talk about how they're gonna have them over this weekend. Don't act like you're gonna come by and bring them candy or something and then never show up.


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## arbitrator

Jadiel said:


> Wow...just...wow. Trying to figure out where I said something about hating my children and always reminding them of what horrible unwanted diseases they are. But I can't!
> 
> Apparently I need to clarify: When it was first discovered we were having kids I was not enthused. That feeling is not a current emotion in my household. Thought I said something to that effect....ah well.
> 
> It's not that I don't want to do anything with them. It's the fact that when my attitude was "Here's 100 reasons we shouldnt have kids" everyone was all about how awesome they are. Yeah, they are awesome. It took me a while but I finally figured it out. I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to deal with them I guess.
> 
> Edit: It'd be easier if they just made it clear they don't want to see them. I'd understand I guess. But don't make plans with them. Don't talk about how they're gonna have them over this weekend. Don't act like you're gonna come by and bring them candy or something and then never show up.


* Jadiel: If I earlier came down on you unduly hard, then I sincerely apologize! Your initial post seemed to exude that you did not want your kids initially, and that no one else in the family seemed to care about being with them.

I take it that, over the due course of time, that they have "grown" on you! And that's as it should be! Enjoy their presence everyday of your life, because with each succeeding sundown is only a day closer to the point that they won't be around.

And when you turn in at night, give thanks to God for having made them a true blessing in the course of your life!*


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## ExiledBayStater

My first question is, how is your kids behavior? Are they polite and well-socialized? Is there a reason your parents might not be comfortable alone with them? As a kid, I wasn't trying to be rude but sometimes I just didn't get it. I was tone deaf.

The idea of asking one's parents to watch the kids is foreign to me as well. Growing up, my grandparents were half a day's drive away, and we never considered flying. We had family visits as often as we could, generally once every 2-3 months for a few days at a time.

Is it an option to take a family vacation somewhere, or spend time as a family? If you can talk to your mom on FB, see if you can visit her with kids in tow. That might go over better than asking to leave them with her or have her take them. Maybe then they can develop a relationship and your mom will be comfortable taking the kids.


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## turnera

Jadiel said:


> It'd be easier if they just made it clear they don't want to see them.


How many people in your life are that direct? People are SCARED to say hard truths. It's just human nature. Why do you think social media is so popular? You can say what you really want to strangers and not have to say it face to face. Which you would NEVER do.


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## Thundarr

unblinded said:


> No he's not defending his kids. He's angry that his parents (apparently) avoid spending time with his kids.
> 
> We don't know if his parents are avoiding the kids or him.
> 
> We don't know whether the lack of grandparent involvement bothers the kids.
> 
> We don't know if the OP's expectations are even realistic.
> 
> I will say, though, that his attitude regarding his kids is far more damaging than his parents avoiding them.


OP is asking for advice and his kids need him. Your list of what we know and what we don't know looks a lot like confirmation bias supporting OP being the bad guy unworthy of advice. Do you think slamming him for not wanting kids before ever having them will help him stick around for answers to his actual question ?


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## unblinded

Thundarr said:


> OP is asking for advice and his kids need him. Your list of what we know and what we don't know looks a lot like confirmation bias supporting OP being the bad guy unworthy of advice. Do you think slamming him for not wanting kids before ever having them will help him stick around for answers to his actual question ?


You could claim confirmation bias if I asserted the list as justification for why the OP's parents wanted nothing to do with his kids. I didn't. 

As for why no one wants to be around his children, how do we answer that question with the limited information provided? If no one wants to be around them, then we may be dealing with behavioral problems (i.e., the kids are a 'handful'). We don't know. 

If we're strictly talking about family, maybe there's bad blood that the OP omitted from the story. We don't know. 

If it's only the grandparents, maybe they no longer have the patience for children. We don't know. 

In the end, it doesn't matter. He only needs to ensure that his kids are loved by their parents. The other stuff will work itself out.


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## unblinded

Jadiel said:


> Wow...just...wow. Trying to figure out where I said something about hating my children and always reminding them of what horrible unwanted diseases they are. But I can't!
> 
> Apparently I need to clarify: When it was first discovered we were having kids I was not enthused. That feeling is not a current emotion in my household. Thought I said something to that effect....ah well.
> 
> It's not that I don't want to do anything with them. It's the fact that when my attitude was "Here's 100 reasons we shouldnt have kids" everyone was all about how awesome they are. Yeah, they are awesome. It took me a while but I finally figured it out. I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to deal with them I guess.
> 
> Edit: It'd be easier if they just made it clear they don't want to see them. I'd understand I guess. But don't make plans with them. Don't talk about how they're gonna have them over this weekend. Don't act like you're gonna come by and bring them candy or something and then never show up.


Again, I believe you're focusing on the wrong issue. Even in your attempt to clarify the original message, you drop lines such as, "I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to deal with them I guess." The implication is that your kids are a burden. If you see it that way, others might as well. 

My advice is to not worry about it. My kids went through years-long blocks of time in which their grandparents wanted little to do with them. Now that they are older, the grandparents are trying to make up for lost time. My kids aren't interested. 

It works itself out.


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## unblinded

And for the record, Jadiel, I don't think you're a bad person.


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## Anon Pink

OP, I think you become your children's best advocate and place a boundary with your parents regarding promises they make to the kids. That must be just awful for them to routinely be let down by grandparents because grandparents are supposed to be these unconditionally loving older folks and your kids aren't getting that.

Talk to you parents and tell them they are not to make plans unless they commit to carrying them out. Make them aware of how hurtful they are being to your kids. Once that's done, the next time plans are made, have a back up plan ready to go so your kids are left feeling rejected.

Speaking of rejection, that's what you're feeling now. Your parents are rejecting your kids and that makes you feel rejected. 

For the record, I never wanted kids either but that all changed entirely. Funny that they all know none of them were actually planned but they all know how ferociously I love them.


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## Jadiel

unblinded said:


> Again, I believe you're focusing on the wrong issue. Even in your attempt to clarify the original message, you drop lines such as, "I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to deal with them I guess." The implication is that your kids are a burden. If you see it that way, others might as well.
> It works itself out.


Again you misunderstand. I don't think they're a burden. Other people act like they are. 

Tired of people who like to pick apart anything I say, just looking their hardest for SOMETHING to pounce on and twist around so they can feel like the smartest person in the room.


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## Mr.Fisty

Curious, did your parents raise you from a distance? Did they like being parents?

I ask because it is either part of their nature, nurture, or a combination of the two. Not everyone is born with the maternal or paternal genes, and there are variances in how much that gene is expressed.

Anyways, whatever the case, your parents may not be simply the nurturing types, or after raising children or a child, they like the freedom to do less restrictive activities that with a child would consume time, energy, and possibly resources.

I suggest lowering your expectations and asking your family or other relatives not to make commitments that they cannot commit to. Children are trusting in nature, and given enough hurt, they will build an emotional wall around them. Given the odds that how you felt prior, I think you are doing the best you can given the situation, and the nature of who you are.


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## WorkingWife

Jadiel said:


> Edit: It'd be easier if they just made it clear they don't want to see them. I'd understand I guess. But don't make plans with them. Don't talk about how they're gonna have them over this weekend. Don't act like you're gonna come by and bring them candy or something and then never show up.


That is confusing. Were your parents like that when you were a kid? Full of promises that they never followed through on? And are they now bringing this up unsolicited - like "Can I come see the kids Friday?" Or are you asking them to come see them, they say yes, but don't show?

I know a lot of people who love to make some promise to do something 'cause it makes everyone love them in the moment. After they get to be the wonderful hero for what they are going to do, they never give actually doing it a second thought. They already got what they wanted out of the interaction.

If you haven't already, I would privately tell your mom how very hurt the kids are when they get their hopes up and tell her you need that thoughtless behavior to stop. Have you asked her what is up with her behavior?

On your end the only other thing I can think of is to not tell the children when she makes promises (if they don't hear them directly). Let it be a pleasant surprise when she actually does show up.


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## unblinded

Jadiel said:


> Again you misunderstand. I don't think they're a burden. Other people act like they are.
> 
> Tired of people who like to pick apart anything I say, just looking their hardest for SOMETHING to pounce on and twist around so they can feel like the smartest person in the room.


Whoa...no one picked your post(s) apart.

That said, my advice still stands. As long as the kids know *you* love them, the rest of it will work itself out.


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## NobodySpecial

Jadiel said:


> Wow...just...wow. Trying to figure out where I said something about hating my children and always reminding them of what horrible unwanted diseases they are. But I can't!
> 
> Apparently I need to clarify: When it was first discovered we were having kids I was not enthused. That feeling is not a current emotion in my household. Thought I said something to that effect....ah well.
> 
> It's not that I don't want to do anything with them. It's the fact that when my attitude was "Here's 100 reasons we shouldnt have kids" everyone was all about how awesome they are. Yeah, they are awesome. It took me a while but I finally figured it out. I probably spend more time with them than anyone. Because no one else wants to *deal *with them I guess.


Are they well behaved, well mannered kids? How old are they?


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## Thundarr

unblinded said:


> As long as the kids know *you* love them, the rest of it will work itself out.


What unblinded has repeated here is spot on. To me it's your parent's loss because they're missing these moments. If you're mostly venting about then I say vent away. It would be frustrating for me as well. If you're looking for answers though then to be honest I think you already know the answers. You tell your parents what the rules are with your kids. One of the rules is they can't make promises they don't keep. Beyond that you have to remind yourself it's something you don't have control over.


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## frusdil

OP is it just your parents/family who don't want to be around the kids? Or is it everyone?

If it's just your family, that's just how they are and not much you can do about it. Some people just aren't child friendly.

If it's everyone in your life, and your kids never get invited to playdates, you should ask yourself about their behaviour...are they well mannered kids? Or are they the kind who run feral and you don't do anything to control their behaviour? Not saying you are - just asking the question


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## GusPolinski

Jadiel said:


> I never really wanted to have children. Big shocker there, I know. Wasn't too excited about it when the Mrs. told me she was pregnant. Honestly kind of wanted it to be "taken care of". But I persevered, manned up, and handling them fairly well. I'm not the best dad but at least I'm here and I try.


This first paragraph tells me everything that I need to know about your kids. Children raised by a disinterested father? I can see how others wouldn't want to spend much time around them, and whether directly related or not.


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