# My wife and I are asking this question together



## Iseeyou (Aug 16, 2013)

Why have we lost that spark together in bed?
Why is it a Scheduled thing to have sex? Despite flirting messages and texts and chats we don't seem to have that fire anymore 
I blame on thing she blames another for the reasoning. 
Just suggestions input on this would be great
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What are your two viewpoints as to the issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah I need to know the two viewpoints before I can advice.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

It happens to a lot of married couples especially in their 40's or 50's or beyond, and it is currently happening in my marriage but it's one sided because I am still a _willing_ partner but she's not right now. I have read that whatever issues are going on(as long as they're not abusive)that you should never just completely cut off being intimate with your spouse, because that only leads to resentment and then resentment leads to many other problems developing in the marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'll take "what is erotic tension?" For 100 please.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Another thing that can happen is "sexual burnout" where if you are doing it too much like maybe four or five times a week, it then becomes something that is no longer an exciting treat to look forward to.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Indeed, more info, please. How long have you been together? How old are you? For many (not all) libido is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship, although can sometimes be revived (sexual burnout, as Wing Man mentions). When was the last time you did something exciting OUT ouf bed together? Such as an adventurous trip? I recall studies showing that the shared "risks" outside your comfort zone can reignite the spark.

If you're older, hormone levels can be a problem affecting desire. Get them checked. Better yet, consult someone who will check a variety of things from testosterone to cortisol, and work with you to optimize your levels. Many doctors will just look at test results and see your levels (of testosterone, say) are within "normal" range, but if you're low in the range, that may not be sufficient.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A problem because of routine. 

Do something to get your life more exciting, like traveling, getting a new hobby, or meeting new people.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

How long have you been married?

Sex even a year ago was different for my husband and I. We were still in that honeymoon stage.

Scheduling sex can be helpful if you make it fun, not a chore. Instead of "oh, and tonight at 8 we're having sex" make it "hey guess what tonight is? I have so many things I'd love to do, can't wait".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No offense but I hate scheduled sex! Nothing would turn me off more than knowing that Thursday at 10:00 I am expected to be naked and aroused in order to reach that weeks quota of previously agreed upon sexual encounters.

Now, however, a rule that every night at 10:00pm both partners are to be naked and prepared for a back massage, using Rock Paper Scissors to determine who gives and who gets... Then if sex follows...excellent.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I agree with Pink. When its scheduled it loses something. When my wife and I were trying to conceive after years of trying a fertility specialist gave us this detailed schedule to follow even including suggested positions and I was so stressed out about the expectations that I was barely able to get it up and get it done.


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## Iseeyou (Aug 16, 2013)

We have been married for 15 years and have 5 children I would like another one as does my wife but it just seems life in bed is.... Well dead
We don't actuly have a set time to have sex just flirty messages and then nothing happens ones asleep or out or busy 
I'm 44 and she's 41 
We know we love each other just need a spark put back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iseeyou (Aug 16, 2013)

Iseeyou said:


> We have been married for 15 years and have 5 children I would like another one as does my wife but it just seems life in bed is.... Well dead
> We don't actuly have a set time to have sex just flirty messages and then nothing happens ones asleep or out or busy
> I'm 44 and she's 41
> We know we love each other just need a spark put back
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And after our messages we say tonight's the night or let's go have sex but it doesn't happen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Iseeyou said:


> We have been married for 15 years and have 5 children I would like another one as does my wife but it just seems life in bed is.... Well dead
> We don't actuly have a set time to have sex just flirty messages and then nothing happens ones asleep or out or busy
> I'm 44 and she's 41
> We know we love each other just need a spark put back
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well with 5 kids what did you expect! You can't even get enough time in the bathroom with 3 kids, you've got 5? 

Time to take a vacation without the kids, 7 days will be needed because the first 3 you'll both bee catching up on sleep.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why doesn't it happen? Usually it's one that is more tired or busier than the other. Occasionally its both but I think that's not the norm.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SA has 6 kids and she still has AMAZING sex with her husband. Where there is a will there is a way. Granted her kids are older so that may be a factor.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lord Summerisle said:


> I agree with Pink. When its scheduled it loses something. When my wife and I were trying to conceive after years of trying a fertility specialist gave us this detailed schedule to follow even including suggested positions and I was so stressed out about the expectations that I was barely able to get it up and get it done.


I can't imagine having to be ready for sex like that. If I were a man, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to perform under those conditions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah, with 5 kids, I imagine it's really hard to find the time to go on dates or be alone to reconnect as man and woman, or to feel like sexy adults as opposed to parents. 

I'd also think that creates a lot of work, which means you're both tired and crave sleep more than sex. And then there's the "needy children" factor which wears you out emotionally, which can make having anything left to give to a spouse more challenging.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> SA has 6 kids and she still has AMAZING sex with her husband. Where there is a will there is a way. Granted her kids are older so that may be a factor.


True, I don't know how she does it. I love my kids by I can't easily transition from Mom-Queen Ruler of the universe to wife- sexy vixen in lingerie...particularly now that my girls are older and I have to hunt through their drawers to get my nighties back!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

See I do this in reverse. I'm wife-sexy vixen first and if time allows then I'm mom-queen ruler of the universe. And besides if I'm the sexy vixen my husband helps out more. Win/win for both of us.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mavash. said:


> see i do this in reverse. I'm wife-sexy vixen first and if time allows then i'm mom-queen ruler of the universe. And besides if i'm the sexy vixen my husband helps out more. Win/win for both of us.




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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You do have one important thing to remember. You are at least talking and having this discussion. Have you told each other your dreams and desires? Have you tried role-playing together? If you share what turns you on, that is a big start.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Lord Summerisle said:


> I agree with Pink. When its scheduled it loses something. When my wife and I were trying to conceive after years of trying a fertility specialist gave us this detailed schedule to follow even including suggested positions and I was so stressed out about the expectations that I was barely able to get it up and get it done.


My wife would actually be sore after some of her fertility treatments, and was then expected to stay on schedule and have sex with me that night in order for it all to work! Talk about a buzz kill when your wife cringes in terrible pain each time you try and put it in or touch her anywhere down there.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Don't start questioning a good thing. If your scheduling your time it shows that you both still have time for each other. It sounds like you need to be more spontaneous other times. One of you or each of you need to take the bull by the horns and start the spontaneous Extra times. Never let sex grow old because once you do you will end up married and luck if you have it 10 times in 6-7 years like me, my sex life is basically dead after 34 years with the same women. Somewhere along the line we lost the spontaneous then tried the scheduled date thing only to find there were excuses, from my wife, why it was not possible this week, then this month, then the next 6 weeks etc.. 
Thing are not to far gone yet for you! There is no problem with a plan but you must get rid of distractions from each other so put work out of you mind, if you have kids send them to the sitter, go out to the movies or dinner, and see only one another. Then when you get home, or even get a hotel room, shut off the T.V.. Then just see each other and concentrate on each other. 
Then be a bit risky and experiment, try new things, use your imagination. The primary point is being into you spouse finding their needs, wants, and desires then give them to her/ him. Another point is those little "Quickies" can be just as fun as if you are scheduled out. Being fresh, touchy and playful only helps to build everything up. So that when you reach schedule days there is anticipations and anxiousness. I think you get the picture just keep it fresh and new or renewed every time. Finally, experimentation is a good thing and sex is great with the foundation of love and all the emotions involved and always be aware of your spouse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If the rest of the relationship has no issues scheduling is fine. We did this for a couple decades thru children and grad school.

If there are issues and sex is on the table scheduling is about as effective as allowing high schoolers to call themselves sick at school. Works great for them, great excuses are guaranteed, and that's it.

I would much prefer a hybrid approach of some scheduling and some spontaneous activities..


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Iseeyou said:


> We have been married for 15 years and have 5 children I would like another one as does my wife but it just seems life in bed is.... Well dead
> We don't actuly have a set time to have sex just flirty messages and then nothing happens ones asleep or out or busy
> I'm 44 and she's 41
> We know we love each other just need a spark put back
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Congrats on being married 15 years. :smthumbup:

After having 5 kids, I highly doubt she wants more!!! Even 3 is too much!!!! There's much more in life for women to just be pumping out kids, right?

That many kids will totally drain her and change her hormones.

Would she still be like this if you guys had no kids? I doubt it.

Plus there's the unwanted weight gain.

Pre - Menopause.

Get someone to baby sit your 5 kids and go away for a weekend together. No stress, no kids, just for the two of you.

Hire a full time nanny and let her take huge breaks from raising the kids.

And scheduling time for sex when raising 5 kids is about all you can do.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Maybe I missed something...this turned into a scheduling discussion somehow. So you and your wife agree that neither of you are feeling the sex thing lately. OK, maybe agree that your not going to have sex, together or solo, for a month. Instead twice a week get naked and cuddle. NO SEX even if you both want it. This is time for quietly gaze into each others eyes, share each others breath (brush those teeth), quiet talk about happy memories, special times, things that you're happy about now and future things (make plans for a weekend get away or more). Its not really sex that we're after here is it? Its love making so lets be in love first. My two cents.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, 15 years....the biggest problem with married couples, they get into a routine rut. You go to work, have dinner, do a little cleaning, help kids with homework, bathe the kids and put them to bed, have sex, watch a little Letterman and go to sleep.

Rinse, wash and repeat.

The romance may be gone. One thing about women AND men, they want to feel desired by their significant other. So, bring the romance back! Go back to being the boy and girl that fell in love with each other 15+ years ago and you two were probably doing it like rabbits.

Have the grandparents watch the kids for the weekend and you two go away to a nice little B&B somewhere in a cute little town. JUST THE TWO OF YOU!! The only way you get anything to make a spark is to get two objects to connect with each other! You two need to reconnect! Yeah, you to have a family and have a responsibility to your family. But, you also have a responsibility to EACH OTHER! 

Send her flowers for no special reason. Drop a little " I Love you" note in his lunch bag. 

Let me ask you this. If he surprised you one night. He comes home and the babysitter shows up. He tells you to get ready and wear something nice. You two go out and he has reservations to a high end restaurant and he already made arraignments to have a dozen red roses waiting at the table with a very heart felt note attached. You have a nice quite dinner talking about your history together and about what the future holds. Then, after dinner, he takes you to a show that you've been dying to see. Something like Cirque Du Soleil. And he's always holding your hand or escorting you by offering his arm where ever you go. Don't you think that at some point in the evening after all the things he's done to make it special for you; at some point, wouldn't you say to yourself, " Oh yeah, this guy is getting soooo laid tonight!"

Find the spark!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

do you date? find time out of the house without the kids. don't do the same thing twice in a row--try something new each week. embrace your mid-life crisis and put it to work for you!


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## jmp2204 (Aug 7, 2013)

sounds similar to me , but I come home on a high note .My wife is super sexy and even in track pants. I have spark , but usually that spark gets diminished as the eve rolls on for various reasons ,usually my wifes mood flames me out .But sometimes not ,but by the time all is said and done 11pm roles around I need to be up at 5 my head is bobbing because I am falling asleep. would Be great sneak away from the kids for a bit early eve and get it done .I want to do the date thing but we find it very hard to get a babysitter .


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> See I do this in reverse. I'm wife-sexy vixen first and if time allows then I'm mom-queen ruler of the universe. And besides if I'm the sexy vixen my husband helps out more. Win/win for both of us.


i live that Mavash. I have noticed now that I am putting my husband first and being a sexy vixen, i do not have to do much. He does the laundry, makes the bed cleans the bedroom and make even helps out with grocery shopping


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I ask this in all seriousness. Why do you still want another child if you already have 5 children ? When kids come into the picture, especially young children, married sex life takes a hit. Just the way it is. 

So you are here with a problem of sexual spark and you want yet another child in the mix ? I'm not understanding you here ? 

Some more details perhaps ?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> After having 5 kids, I highly doubt she wants more!!! Even 3 is too much!!!! There's much more in life for women to just be pumping out kids, right?


There are people who like and want lots of kids. I doubt they think 5 is too much since their five exist and they are talking about a sixth.

We have 4 and definitely did not think 3 was too much. 4 was even better.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Whoa 5 kids? Unless you live in Africa and need farm labor its really not necessarily to have that many kids. 

I wasn't a fan of scheduled sex until I realized we don't have Any sex unless we plan it in somewhere. We both enjoy sex yet lead very busy lives between running 2 businesses and two kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> We have a schedule: Every other night, and reserve an hour time of our sleep. The other night my wife goes to bed early to compensate. When one of us want to postpone it is automatically postponed to the next night.
> 
> The big advantage is you don't need to be both in the mood, or have uncertainty whether or not something is going to happen. PLUS easy postponing AND automatic recovery of the 'dating'.
> 
> ...


As stated, this looks technical, but it is not.

Intimacy has been greatly improved since we took action to break through the stalemate situation of tons chores of household, children, work, social obligations etc.

People sometimes make remarks we are clearly still in love afters so many years. And yes, that is how it feels. But only after we decided to have more sex, and found a way to anchor that in our lifestyle. It is a question of priorities.

And many threads on these forums quite clearly indicate what people afterwards see that should have been a priority.

So take inspired action now!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your marriage needs a make over.... or shall we say a tune-up.

Here are two books that will help with that. You both need to fall romantically in love again.... or to recharge that love.

"Fall in Love, Stay in Love"
"His Needs, Her Needs" 

both by Dr. Harley


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

We started the book, "Kosher Adultry: Seduce and Sin With a Your Spouse" last year and it looks great. We stopped when my wife had to have surgery and it has been a long recovery. We are going to pick it up again when she feels better. By the way, married 41 years here so we have experienced it all!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

scheduled sex is for egg fertilization only...imo...for passionate sex, it has to be spontanious

sometimes you HAVE to plan ahead, but it doesnt have to be a rigid itinerare
7:00 arrive at hotel
7:15 disrobe
7:20 cunnilingus
7:22 fellatio
10:15 intercourse
10:16 sleep

I have a HD so I dont need it to be AS spontanious as my wife...so I wont tell her "hey I got us a room this saturday so's we can hump"
I WILL tell her " I got a babysitter...pack an over night bag, be ready to go this sdaturday at 5:00"...the rest is a surprise...
dinner/dancing/drinks...make it a date night


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

missthelove2013 said:


> scheduled sex is for egg fertilization only...imo...for passionate sex, it has to be spontanious


I have to disagree. we sometimes have some of the hottest sex when it is scheduled. We have three active kids and a lot of our own activities. It is easy for one to be in the mood and the other not wanting or able to be there. So we sometimes have to schedule. Often as simple as my wife whispering in my ear as I leave the house in the morning that she needs me to come to bed with her early that night. Or a rain check for the next day when she is not feeling good or I have a big work project.

One advantage it can have is to allow a person to think and get ready for it mentally. Some people need that time to transition into being receptive. It does not work for everyone, but I think it is worth trying for the couple that is not able to get in sync and connect very often.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

missthelove2013 said:


> scheduled sex is for egg fertilization only...imo...for passionate sex, it has to be spontanious
> 
> sometimes you HAVE to plan ahead, but it doesnt have to be a rigid itinerare
> 7:00 arrive at hotel
> ...


Interesting schedule. 2 minutes for cunnilingus, 1 minute for intercourse, but 2 hours and 53 minutes for fellatio.

:rofl:


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## MindWiringSolutions (Oct 29, 2013)

You need to evaluate what the purpose and goal of sex is.

It needs to be a goal that motivates both of you.

If you are doing sex because of physical pleasure you get sick of it.

That is happening to everyone. Because people think it is about the pleasure.

Sex in marriage is not about pleasure. The pleasure is there but it isn't the purpose. It cannot be. If it is high divorce rate becomes inevitable. 

Because the more sex you have the farther and less respectful and interested you become.

The purpose is unity. And when you stop calling it sex and start calling it intimacy you establish that as your purpose.

Relating to your spouse not as a sex partner, not as a lover, but as a soulmate, things get better and better and better with time.

Let me know if that appeals to you


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MindWiringSolutions said:


> You need to evaluate what the purpose and goal of sex is.
> 
> It needs to be a goal that motivates both of you.
> 
> ...


Ha, it seems this is 180 degrees from my experience. 

This looks a bit 'programmed' to me, where do you get your information from?


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