# Divorced after 21 years



## Niamh (Oct 20, 2021)

As the title says, my husband and I divorced after 21 years of being together through thick and thin. We were high school sweethearts. He used to be so in love with me and I was the center of his universe and I loved him to bits, so imagine how tough the fall was for me.

It all started after I got pregnant, if you can imagine. I noticed him being more and more distant, no signs of affection, no touch, no nothing. We became room mates, not husband and wife waiting for a child (which he wanted, btw). This also coincided with him getting this super important job at a big local company. He was absent, working a lot, doing overtime or being away on weekends or even for longer periods of time. Just like 4th July goes with apple pie, his new fancy job had to go with a new woman, so he went for this blonde bimbo who was actually the girlfriend of a common friend. Talk about dignity and friendship...

Long story short, after 5 years of being miserable and him denying having an affair, I found solid proof of him having a relationship with another woman. It was heartbreaking in so many ways I cannot even begin to describe. I was crushed. He knew for 5 years that I was not happy, that I missed him wanting me, touching me, being there for me... We had countless conversations about this, well, to be more precise, I was doing all the talking and he was stone walling me, which was a clear sign something was definitely wrong and divorce was knocking the door.

In July I saw him texting someone, sending hearts and kisses, and then I also found some emails that they exchanged, with him being jealous, telling her that he loves her and her telling him that she loves him. I mean, who the hell has a conversation like that over email, but then again what do I know...

A month and a half later, we were divorced. I had to speed up the process, despite everyone advising against my decision. Their argument was that by divorcing him so fast, I was paving the way for that other woman to enter my ex husband's life. Obviously, I couldn't care less, I had to get out of a marriage that has brought me pain for 5 years straight.

And here I am now, two months later, surviving and learning how to be single again. Being in a relationship with him, after so many years, felt like the default setting to me, if that makes sense, so getting over that and building a new mindset has proved very difficult, but not impossible. Just crazy hard. It's still work in progress.

Working a lot, and I mean A LOT, has helped me a great deal. It just keeps me busy, gives me purpose and meaning and the money at the end of the month is also great, so win win situation for me. I also have a bunch of AMAZING friends who stood by my side the entire time. With advice at 3 a clock in the morning and motivational speech and just being there for me. That helps a lot, let me tell you. I still have my moments of relapse (for like half a day or so), fury, deep sadness, contradictory feelings, everything under the sun emotion wise, but I'm waiting for time to heal me.

I'm living with my 5 year old son, sharing custody with his father. He brings me joy, he is such a great kiddo. I have always wondered how life can be so bizarre. I got an amazing child but at the same time, I lost a husband.

Not sure why I decided to share my story with the world... It just feels good to get it out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am glad you shared your story. While it is sad, it also has an element of hope. You are moving on. I know it's hard but it sounds like you are actually progressing rather well. There will come a day when you don't feel the deep remorse and loss that you do right now. It takes time but it will come. Just work on you, one day at a time.


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## Niamh (Oct 20, 2021)

That's very sweet, thank you. That's probably the best advice I could get, to take it one day at a time. I guess I tried to create some balance around me, and focus on the things I actually have control over and dumped everything else. For a while I continued digging and secretly checking his Facebook account or email or Google search history but that's a very slippery slope. I realised that, the more I knew, the more it hurt me, so I just stopped. One day I just said NO. I admit I am tempted to do it again as we speak, but I do my best to stay out of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Niamh said:


> That's very sweet, thank you. That's probably the best advice I could get, to take it one day at a time. I guess I tried to create some balance around me, and focus on the things I actually have control over and dumped everything else. For a while I continued digging and secretly checking his Facebook account or email or Google search history but that's a very slippery slope. I realised that, the more I knew, the more it hurt me, so I just stopped. One day I just said NO. I admit I am tempted to do it again as we speak, but I do my best to stay out of it.


I understand that urge to snoop and find out more as I did it too. You are right that the best thing you can do for your own sanity is to not do it. In my case, I finally just decided to except that it was at lest as bad as I imagined and to just deal with it from that perspective. Betrayed spouses tend to beat them selves up wondering why their spouse cheated, why is wrong with me, and on and on. The fact is that this is about him, not you. While there might have been some things not perfect in your marriage (What marriage is perfect?) he chose to deal with it by cheating. This is about him making the very bad choice. It's on him and him alone.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

Thank you for this post. We have many similarities and it is great to see someone else that is hopeful about the future. I'm sorry that you went through that with him. It is so hard to kind of know that someone is betraying you deep down, but then to actually see it and have it all confirmed. My husband did it numerous times online with numerous women. He was constantly messaging and trying to start things up with various local single women, and probably some not so single women. I also stayed longer than I should have, trying to make it work. I'm starting to realize how much I lost of myself in the process. I'm excited (and scared) to rediscover who I am without him. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about the future. I'm also very hopeful that I can be a happier and more fulfilled person. I think sometimes when we are in a situation we find ways to rationalize it all. It is only after it is clearly over, and we say some things out loud to our friends that we realize how truly bad it was. I wish you the best of luck. 

P.S. I, too, stopped looking at any sort of social media a few years ago. I did this because seeing what was happening for myself was so much harder to deal with mentally. It is one thing to know that he is looking elsewhere for something but another thing to read the actual words. The words I discovered on his Facebook account with his "blond bimbo" still stick in my head years later. Take care of yourself and know that you deserved and still deserve better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having a child or children means that you just have to keep going. When my 23 year marriage ended very suddenly and traumatically it was only the fact that I had children(2 teens and one early 20's), that kept me going each day. I was all they had. 
Many days, weeks, months and even years, I was literally hanging on by my finger tips but we survived somehow. 

God bless.


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## Niamh (Oct 20, 2021)

You've said it very well.


EleGirl said:


> Betrayed spouses tend to beat them selves up wondering why their spouse cheated, why is wrong with me, and on and on. The fact is that this is about him, not you. While there might have been some things not perfect in your marriage (What marriage is perfect?) he chose to deal with it by cheating. This is about him making the very bad choice. It's on him and him alone.


You're right! I almost went down that road, trying to figure out what was wrong with me and luckily I realised it's the wrong path. Whatever I was doing wrong should have been dealt with in a mature conversation. He CHOSE to cheat me. It's not like she knocked on his door and invited herself in his life. HE let her in. HE accepted her. HE chose to do this for 5 years. Looking back and writing this, then reading it.... it's so ridiculous.  Glad I'm out. And glad you're in a better place now too. 😊


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## Niamh (Oct 20, 2021)

meme4321 said:


> I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about the future. I'm also very hopeful that I can be a happier and more fulfilled person. I think sometimes when we are in a situation we find ways to rationalize it all. It is only after it is clearly over, and we say some things out loud to our friends that we realize how truly bad it was. I wish you the best of luck.


Glad you shared your story. I little bit of positivity can move mountains and I see it in you. I totally get the "worried about the future" part. It's there, every day, every second, no matter how well you do in life. You now know that you're on your own, no other person to help you, no safety net. I guess it's just pushing us forward and motivating us to do better. Really wish you all the best 🧡


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

meme4321 said:


> Thank you for this post. We have many similarities and it is great to see someone else that is hopeful about the future. I'm sorry that you went through that with him. It is so hard to kind of know that someone is betraying you deep down, but then to actually see it and have it all confirmed. My husband did it numerous times online with numerous women. He was constantly messaging and trying to start things up with various local single women, and probably some not so single women. I also stayed longer than I should have, trying to make it work. I'm starting to realize how much I lost of myself in the process. I'm excited (and scared) to rediscover who I am without him. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about the future. I'm also very hopeful that I can be a happier and more fulfilled person. I think sometimes when we are in a situation we find ways to rationalize it all. It is only after it is clearly over, and we say some things out loud to our friends that we realize how truly bad it was. I wish you the best of luck.
> 
> P.S. I, too, stopped looking at any sort of social media a few years ago. I did this because seeing what was happening for myself was so much harder to deal with mentally. It is one thing to know that he is looking elsewhere for something but another thing to read the actual words. The words I discovered on his Facebook account with his "blond bimbo" still stick in my head years later. Take care of yourself and know that you deserved and still deserve better.


Your post and the OP really hit home with me. I am going through a similar situation as both of you and reading your post was honestly inspiring for me. It stinks that we are all going through this, but I think boards like this are helpful because you see that other people are going through the same struggles and come out the other side as good or better than they were before. I am glad both of you shared your stories as I think they are very helpful for others to read and it is always good to share this kind of stuff to get it off your chest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Your post and the OP really hit home with me. I am going through a similar situation as both of you and reading your post was honestly inspiring for me. It stinks that we are all going through this, but I think boards like this are helpful because you see that other people are going through the same struggles and come out the other side as good or better than they were before. I am glad both of you shared your stories as I think they are very helpful for others to read and it is always good to share this kind of stuff to get it off your chest.


I am an example of a person who went through awful times and eventually came through. 
I have now been happily married to my second husband for 16 years. His first marriage ended after 23 years when his then wife found another man.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Stay strong! Mine ended after 27 years. My exH also liked having a GF/OW while being married.
I’d rather be on my own than with someone who betrays me.
Did you get spousal support money? I hope you did after a long term marriage!


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

Niamh said:


> As the title says, my husband and I divorced after 21 years of being together through thick and thin. We were high school sweethearts. He used to be so in love with me and I was the center of his universe and I loved him to bits, so imagine how tough the fall was for me.
> 
> It all started after I got pregnant, if you can imagine. I noticed him being more and more distant, no signs of affection, no touch, no nothing. We became room mates, not husband and wife waiting for a child (which he wanted, btw). This also coincided with him getting this super important job at a big local company. He was absent, working a lot, doing overtime or being away on weekends or even for longer periods of time. Just like 4th July goes with apple pie, his new fancy job had to go with a new woman, so he went for this blonde bimbo who was actually the girlfriend of a common friend. Talk about dignity and friendship...
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing its giving me some hope. My husband of 14 years/ together for 19 asked to be separated 6 days ago. He moved out and is living with his parents. I found out he’s having an emotional affair with a girl from a different country. The same girl he did this with in 2017/2018 and stopped. It’s so hard because we have 2 amazing boys together. I can’t stop crying. We are doing a month break and then revisiting it but he is leaning to the divorce while I want to save it, I know I’m nuts. He’s my best friend and I love him. Then there’s the fact we have kids and our home. Uggg


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Your post and the OP really hit home with me. I am going through a similar situation as both of you and reading your post was honestly inspiring for me. It stinks that we are all going through this, but I think boards like this are helpful because you see that other people are going through the same struggles and come out the other side as good or better than they were before. I am glad both of you shared your stories as I think they are very helpful for others to read and it is always good to share this kind of stuff to get it off your chest.


I couldn’t agree more


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What are YOU going to DO to take charge of your future/happiness?

Have you seen an attorney? File for divorce! He’s been pursuing the same gal for years. Let him have her. They deserve each other! It won’t be pretty for them.

That way you can build a life with someone you can trust and rely on!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FWIW I think you absolutely did the right thing by divorcing him quickly. OW stepped into a life with a phony cheater who was apparently not willing to actually leave you for her and was quite happy to string both of you along, stonewall you, and screw her on the side.

That's the prize she got and you got out before things went sour with his bimbo and he really put up a fight.

Well done. Dragging it on would've accomplished nothing for you and now you cam rebuild your life. Eventually there will be a man who's happy to have you if that's what you want.


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