# Parents and Divorce



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, some of you on this forum know me but most don't. I have been posting on the divorce forum for a while now.

I have an issue that I am hoping that some of you on here can give me some ideas or opinions on. It is a very serious and difficult issue for me and I am pretty certain that this issue has been addressed on here before but I can't find anything specific to my situation.

My wife broke the word to me back in April that she wanted a divorce. I did not want it, although I too have been unhappy with our marriage. We have a 36 year relationship and married for 32 of those 36. Soon after she told me she wanted a divorce we broke the news to our children (all adults) and her family and my family. Although this was very painful for everyone, our children have been coping and my W's mother (her dad passed away a few years ago) and her sister are supporting her and understand her need to be happy but are hoping that there is a way we can reconcile, her brother is not so supportive of reconcilation but I think he will come around to having to accept it - well, we have been working to do just that and are finding new things about each other and we are both committed to making our marriage work, we are learning to fall in love again.

Here is the odd thing. We have told NO ONE that we are working and reconciling. The kids still think that we are looking for our separate places, her entire family as well as mine are moving along learning how to act to the divorce. BTW, we had a very close family and no one in our extended families have ever divorced, (Catholic), we would have been the first. So here we are with everyone we know - EVERYONE, moving along knowing that we are dissolving our marriage but my W and I know that we are moving towards a new life together, or at least putting a lot of work in towards that. My W is against telling anyone because she says she does not want to ever risk putting the kids through the pain again of telling them we are over. She is fearful that if we should not work out, she will severely hurt the kids again, and her family.

So, I have two issues! The first is, do we continue to put on this charade to the kids that we are not together any longer, when in fact we are at this time. I feel like we are betraying them and withholding information that could bring them some joy (I don't know or maybe confusion). The second, is major! It is that my mother, sister and somewhat, my dad are in such a hateful place right now that they act as if she were dead to them. I have not approached them directly to let them know that I love them and understand their pain for me but they are making their feelings more important than mine. They tell me they love me so much but when it comes down to it, they are more hurt than I am, and therefore are not really listening to what I need from them. So if I go and break the news to them that we are reconciling, I do not know how that will go over - I am concerned that it might kill my mother or sister. My parents say they are very religious but I do not understand why they harbour so much resentment and bitterness and there is no forgiveness so far. I hope that I am underestimating them.

My W also told me, in tears, that she will not have any type of relationship with them if/when we reconcile. That I will have to learn to be with them and see them whenever but that it'll be without her.

Can someone show me/explain to me how to live this way? I have to chose between my wife or my parents. My sister by the way is way far gone, she isn't very religious and I have no hope for a relationship there but I think I can deal with that, it is my parents that I am so hurt about. That means, no birthdays together, no special moments together, no family get togethers together with my parents. And when the time comes for my parents to pass away, I am not sure she will be there. BTW, this is all different between her family and me, they are open to me and I still talk to them. I am trying to place my faith, soul and heart with the Lord but I am heart broken over this and project a partially lacking life in reconciliation. Yes, I feel like no matter what happens, I am going to lose a part of my heart.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Was there any badmouthing at the time the D was announced? Did you badmouth your W to your family? 

My H and I went through a divorce (stopped 5 months into and reconciled) and ours was very volatile, we did our best to make the other look horrible in the eyes of our family and the courts... It's unfortunate, but at the time, we felt it's what we needed to do to get a strong support network and the rallying to have certain people understand why we were doing it. I mean every minute ounce of dirty laundry was aired! It was mortifying when I had explain to my family that I was returning to my H  My mom will not see my H under any circumstances, she detests him, my dad is somewhat indifferent right now... Still not sure where that's going, and my brother, well... he too is indifferent. His family loves the fact that we are back together. We know where we're spending our holidays. And it's unfortunate, but personally this is my life and my immediate family and we have created a home for our children and are working on repairing our side of the street. I can't help my mom understand and I don't expect her to... We remain on speaking terms though.

I said that to say this... I can't explain to you how you should live, but in my situation, I can only pray that I am making a good choice by staying with my H and if we succeed in a long happy life together, then I feel that is statement enough towards my mom, and the rest of my family, that I made the right choice.

Good luck to you!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey BL, I can understand keeping this all between just you and your W, but it seems that it would be good for them to atleast have a clue where your relationship stands so that both of your loved ones and family members don't have to continue walking on eggshells, feel like they're being mislead, making assumptions or basing their support for you on false conditions. I would think it would be wise to somehow inform them that nothing is over yet and that you are patiently trying to work things out for the best possible solution, but that it is YOUR marriage between just you and your W and you do not need or want advice or opinions from anyone else at this point.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Cherry said:


> Was there any badmouthing at the time the D was announced? Did you badmouth your W to your family?
> 
> My H and I went through a divorce (stopped 5 months into and reconciled) and ours was very volatile, we did our best to make the other look horrible in the eyes of our family and the courts... It's unfortunate, but at the time, we felt it's what we needed to do to get a strong support network and the rallying to have certain people understand why we were doing it. I mean every minute ounce of dirty laundry was aired! It was mortifying when I had explain to my family that I was returning to my H  My mom will not see my H under any circumstances, she detests him, my dad is somewhat indifferent right now... Still not sure where that's going, and my brother, well... he too is indifferent. His family loves the fact that we are back together. We know where we're spending our holidays. And it's unfortunate, but personally this is my life and my immediate family and we have created a home for our children and are working on repairing our side of the street. I can't help my mom understand and I don't expect her to... We remain on speaking terms though.
> 
> ...


No. None whatsoever. I spoke to my parents with the hope of getting emotional support and understanding. She is and always will be my kids mother; and my parents know that so they said to me that they will never bad mouth her in front of them - but they did tell me that they were done with her. I asked them to please remember that we are not divorced yet. All I wanted was for them to support me and be respectful to my stbxW. They immediately went on the bitter attack warpath. I was hurt by everybody but I remained civil and always have taken the high road. My kids even told me what a role model I have been showing them how to behave humanely in the face or great adversity.

So no, all I have said in front of my family about her is that I she and I are both very hurt and that I did not want the D.

Thanks for asking though, I am always welcoming all of your thoughts.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> Hey BL, I can understand keeping this all between just you and your W, but it seems that it would be good for them to atleast have a clue where your relationship stands so that both of your loved ones and family members don't have to continue walking on eggshells, feel like they're being mislead, making assumptions or basing their support for you on false conditions. I would think it would be wise to somehow inform them that nothing is over yet and that you are patiently trying to work things out for the best possible solution, but that it is YOUR marriage between just you and your W and you do not need or want advice or opinions from anyone else at this point.


Hi Lon, I really wish I could do that. It has been my desire now to let everyone know that she is legally still my wife and that we are working very hard at trying to rebuild our marriage and that nothing is for sure but we love each other too much to throw away what we had.

To me, you hit it right on the head! Yes, they are walking around still thinking that we are no longer husband and wife. The kids are still living there lives as children of "divorced parents" (even though we are not) and it has to be painful for them. I feel as if at least the kids would be so glad that their mother and father really did always love each other in spite of very very difficult times. I am really somewhat ashamed of living this lie, charade. I mean, yesteday I went to play golf with my son and he asked me how my trip out of town went last weekend - well I told him that it went great and that the city I went to always has beautiful weather! That was a bald faced lie to my oldest son; that was the weekend me and my W went to Retrouvaille. So the entire family thinks I went on a business trip. It's that and many other little fibs and run arounds that I am starting to feel ashamed about.

Why keep doing that? Well, my W was so severely emotoinally damaged by announcing to the kids that she wanted a divorce that she says that she could NEVER live through hurting the kids like that again so she wants us to be 110% sure we are never going to do that to them again. I mean, isn't that an oxymoron? How she say she loves me and we are learning to communicate as never before, sleep in the same bed with me, plan weekend trips together, act as a married couple behind the walls of our house and around strangers, but put on the mask of still separating to divorce in front of everyone we love? To say that we will work things out but let's not tell anyone yet just in case - doesn't that sounds self defeating, unsure? It certainly does not give me all the confidence I need to be assured that she won't bail when times get difficult again. I want to always be here for her and I want her to always be here for me but the double life confuses me and sends me mixed signals in a roller coaster of emotions. If feel as if there is no clear path to our goal of being a unified couple again.

I just don't know how to wear two hats and sooner or later we are going to be caught in a lie. Right now my parents are probably thinking I resent them becuase I am not coming around to see them very often, I mean very little - maybe twice in the last two weeks have I visited them. They are probably wondering what I am doing with my time by myslef when in fact, I am spending a TON of time working on my marriage. It's 
a terrible situation to be in. I don't know what is right and I am having to live two completely different lies, which is actually counter productive to working to rebuild our marriage because I have to dedicate time to two different entities of myself.

Lon, as always, thank you for listening and being there. I can always use someone to vent to.

I hope you are doing allright. I know the last time I read a post from you you guys were trying to see about a divorce date.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey BL, missed this forum for awhile, not sure if you've had a chance to announce any intentions to your family yet, but the cloud of having to cover your lies all the time must be very stressful. Is it you or is it your W that is strongly behind the idea of keeping everything covert? It seems like the wrong thing to me, you are worried too much about protecting everyone, but meanwhile they will get little shreds of truth, kind of like the trickle truth that I was getting from my lying W. I'm sure they all know you are not being completely upfront, and it is forcing them to guess and assume, and it will only develop some resentment that they don't think you have trust in them to handle the truth. Your relationship very much affects them and though they do not have a right to all the details I do think they have a right to know what you have planned for the family... I think I mentioned all this to you in a PM, but hopefully things are going well...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brighterlight said:


> My wife broke the word to me back in April that she wanted a divorce. I did not want it
> 
> My W also told me, in tears, that she will not have any type of relationship with them if/when we reconcile. That I will have to learn to be with them and see them whenever but that it'll be without her.


Frankly, I don't understand why you let her dictate what you will and won't do. Has your marriage always been this way? Maybe this is a good time to start learning how to change that dynamic. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? 

Maybe you could take this time apart to do some self-introspection and learn about yourself (both of you, hopefully). I wouldn't be so quick to rush into reconciling.


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