# I did the right thing.



## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

Many years ago I did the right thing. I married my pregnant girlfriend of many years. The timing of the pregnancy coincided with my decision to breakup the relationship but after getting home from a trip she delivered her news first.

4 Kids later I'm still here. But I've been becoming increasingly unhappy. I've always been the model husband treating her well and showing her respect. Right now loving her feels like more of an act that I put on for years. I am sure at points I have truly loved her how could I not love the mother of my beautiful kids. At this point though just being the mother of my children it's cutting it.

Just yesterday I told a friend how I feel and how I've always felt. For the next few hours I was happier than I have been in a while. It was such a relief to get that out. But now I'm back to being depressed and angry. I don't want my kids to go through all the stuff I went through when my parents got divorced. I don't want to hurt my wife but I know she's not happy living with a depressed and angry person. 

We've talked about making changes to fix things but I've still been playing the part of the good husband in these conversations. The changes seem superficial and won't fix how I really feel. I haven't been honest with her about how I'm feeling.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for coming here. I just wanted to write this out somewhere. Maybe someone has been through something similar and has advice or maybe this helps someone else.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

WakingUp said:


> We've talked about making changes to fix things but I've still been playing the part of the good husband in these conversations. The changes seem superficial and won't fix how I really feel. I haven't been honest with her about how I'm feeling.
> QUOTE]
> 
> counseling is in order...
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

WakingUp said:


> Just yesterday I told a friend how I feel and how I've always felt. For the next few hours I was happier than I have been in a while. It was such a relief to get that out. But now I'm back to being depressed and angry.


It does feel good to just get it out in the open. which i think you need to do with your wife. im probably the oposite extreme of you. i let my H know every time i want something different or i want out. that's probably not good either, for him, but it sure takes a load off me. what he does with the information is his own affair. i guess on here that sounds kinda heartless, but we're doing better now so i guess it must have helped a little. 

something im learning in my relationship is its really important to be friends before being in the romantic, "in love" relationship. what i mean is, its more important to be able to talk to ones spouse as a friend then as if their life is so dramatically intertwined with your own. i guess your situation is complicated by the fact that you have kids together, but still, its something to think about. 



WakingUp said:


> We've talked about making changes to fix things but I've still been playing the part of the good husband in these conversations. The changes seem superficial and won't fix how I really feel. I haven't been honest with her about how I'm feeling.


I know what you mean here. I usually ask my H to change things but it never really seems to help. seems there's something deeper that needs to be addressed.


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## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> something im learning in my relationship is its really important to be friends before being in the romantic, "in love" relationship.


I agree there. My wife has been my best friend for a long time. I think that is what made it possible to go this far. But at this point I'm feeling it's just not enough anymore. I've given up my identity(slowly) playing the role and doing the right thing.

I'm sure you've heard this many times here, at this point I'm not willing to work at it. I've been working at it from the day she told me she was pregnant. I promise to be there for my kids and if possible stay friends with my wife but after all these years I'm exhausted.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

WakingUp-

So give us your list of complaints!


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Looking at if from the point of view of the wife, which is kinda sorta the sitation I am currently dealing with. If you say that you loved or love and you are and want to stay friends, you will with time and lots of talk and thinking through find happiness with her. I think counseling could definately at least clear things up as to why you are unhappy and might give you an understanding of what the two of you can do different for you to find happiness with her. Just a thought.


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## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> WakingUp-
> 
> So give us your list of complaints!


I didn't come here to bash the woman. There are plenty of things that irritate me about her and her actions but they are not the cause of how I feel.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What life do you fantasize if you were not in this marriage? Is it about the freedom to do the things you enjoy? Meeting other women? I don't think MarkTwain intended for you to bash your wife, but is digging to see whether there are things you can do within your marriage to feel happy again. It's hard to read whether there are things about your wife (nagging/controlling/lack of sex/etc) that you are unhappy with in which case you'd be better off trying to work on that within your marriage or whether you feel no matter what changes are made you just want out. Why? What is out there?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> What life do you fantasize if you were not in this marriage? Is it about the freedom to do the things you enjoy? Meeting other women? I don't think MarkTwain intended for you to bash your wife, but is digging to see whether there are things you can do within your marriage to feel happy again.


Yes, that was exactly my meaning - if you are fed up, there must be _something _you don't like, and yet there was not one single item mentioned in your first post.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

WakingUp said:


> I didn't come here to bash the woman. There are plenty of things that irritate me about her and her actions but they are not the cause of how I feel.



She could say the same about you too. So, what is the cause of how you feel?


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## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

The life I fantasize about isn't all that extra-ordinary. I imagine these things not only for myself but just maybe someday I find someone that shares these interests. Right now the only interest my wife and I share are the kids.

I imagine living a healthier more active lifestyle. Biking, hiking, camping, etc. 
Last time I knew my wife's weight it was over 300lbs.

I had motorcycles before I got my license but haven't ridden one since being married.
She says their to dangerous.

I'd like to travel.
She won't fly.

I'd like to not watch every non-chick flick I get from Netflix alone. 
Her interest in movies and entertainment is dreadful.

Coming home to a clean house would be nice.
She doesn't work while the kids are at school. Honestly I'm not sure what she does all day.

Having help with disciplining the children would begin to save my sanity.
She's an expert while watching Nanny 911 but has no follow through with our own children.

Having to live minutes from her parents is convenient.
But means my life is spent commuting to work so I can work in a city big enough to be paid well.

It would be nice to have someone that is at least willing to share in my interests even if they are not really interested.

My life is not as I would have imagined it. I know, Who's is? But these are not extreme changes for me. These are just some of the things I used to do and miss. I know I could work things out and do most of this on my own but is that what a happy marriage is about?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

WakingUp-

OK, I won't even ask about sex.

But just as an exercise, what would be her list of complaints about you?


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## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

A lot has happened since my last post.

After a lot of talking my wife has come to realize she isn't happy with herself. All of her faults I pointed out are things she would like to change herself. And in turn I could change some of my behaviours. I'll be a lot more willing to help out if she isn't so self destructive.

Also we both took a look back at the relationship, how it started, how it's continued. We were friends before we started dating and we've been able to stay friends. The one thing that both of us felt was/is missing is the passion. We never had that initial period of infatuation. Our dating was a result of a joke. Our sticking with it was a result of not wanting to be alone. We just grew comfortable together over time. The more comfortable we got the more we became disconnected.

In one of our discussions I asked her to come up with things we have in common. Her only response was the kids. This isn't a new development. We never really shared much.

I am not in love with this woman. I love her and care for her deeply but I don't want to just get back to being comfortable.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

So what are you planning to do going forward? Have you talked in more detail about your interests you listed above? Is she planning to start making changes for herself? Do you think she might be depressed? I wonder if she started focusing on herself and feeling more happy/confident if that would impact how you see her?


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## AndHereIAm (Nov 20, 2008)

WakingUp,

After reading your posts I thought I might have posted them. While me and my wife have a couple of common interest I am just going through the motions of being the good husband also. I also came from divorced parents and I do not want my kids to go through that but I am losing myself in this. After 13yrs of marriage and 9+ of it unhappy I just about forgot who I am. You said you felt better after talking to someone but the feelings came right back (same here). I can't help that I'm not attracted to my wife anymore. I had lost that feeling before we had kids. We were on the verge of divorce when we got pregnent. So I did and have done what a good husband was and is supposed to do but its a front and its killing me. While I wish I had advice to give I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm only 35 and I don't think I can go the rest of my life with this empty feeling inside.


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## WakingUp (Nov 4, 2008)

Time to get out.

Since my last post I've talked for hours with my wife. We went to counseling, once. I loved it till the person we were seeing wanted to fix everything with "fun dates". I wanted more discussion.

I was also beginning to think I was depressed or even bi-polar. I was cycling from happy to sad/angry so much I was losing my mind. Then I took a whole week off and stayed at my mom's or friends. By the end of the week my head was clear and I knew what I had to do.

I moved out a few days ago. I am there a lot to see the kids. The last few days and last week have been great. Even my soon to be ex thinks so.


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