# not sure how to react



## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

I've been with a woman for over 12 years and we recently married and have started a new life in a small community in which she was born and raised. I'm considered to be very much the outsider by just about everyone.
Despite this everything was going just about well until my new wife decided to start drinking in the local bar. I've never been one for bars and until we moved here nor was she. She started getting home later and later, pi$$ed out of her head and finally didn't even get back to the next morning. I actually went round to the bar banging on the door but she refused to come out, they wouldn't let me in and the woman who runs the place told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't their fault if my wife preferred their company to mine.

The climax came a few days later when I learnt of an all night beach party which my wife had actually organised but hadn't told me about. Seems I was the only one not to be invited in the whole bloody place. She was with a group of local men when I asked her what the hell was going on. It ended with me being battered by these blokes. She did intervene to stop them but even so went off with them.

You'll be pleased to read that I did throw her out when she turned up next day. In fact I drove her to her family's farm and threw her bodily out of the car, bags and all.

A couple of weeks later she's on the telephone crying and begging me to take her back claiming to have suffered a nervous breakdown. Against my better judgement I did exactly that and we moved to yet another remote community to start all over again.

I've just been told she's been having an affair. In fact I've been told that she was constantly unfaithful to me all the years we were together despite her always laying claim to the high moral ground. Seems I never knew the woman at all.

I feel such a complete ****head. She's all sweetness and light and I don't know what to do or who to believe.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

So your wife went home with the guys who kicked the **** out of you and you let her come back? Then you come to find out she's been cheating on you for most of the 12 years that you've been together?

I'm hoping you kicked her right back out.



> She's all sweetness and light and I don't know what to do or who to believe.


This is how you've percieved her and see her in your mind. That is not who she really is. Reality has pretty much shown you this.

And how is she sweetness and light when she's getting smashed at bars every night with men you don't even know?


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

she did claim to have been suffering a nervous breakdown and I only have the other persons word that she's having an affair and has been unfaithful. Her behaviour has been extreme since we arrived here and certainly is out of character.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

dazedand..... said:


> she did claim to have been suffering a nervous breakdown and I only have the other persons word that she's having an affair and has been unfaithful. Her behaviour has been extreme since we arrived here and certainly is out of character.


Cheaters will lie, deny, swear on anything under the sun to try to hide their affair, justify it, or hide the whole truth. You can't believe anything she's said or anything she tells you. I can't know for sure since I don't know her but I'd be VERY skeptical that she had a nervous breakdown. 

And who was the other person who told you about her cheating during your entire relationship and are they someone you trust/believe? I'd take their claims with a grain of salt unless they have some proof or you have some reason/suspicion to believe they're telling the truth.

I also think you either need to kick her back out or lay down some serious ground rules. No drinking, no going to bars, no hanging out with ANYONE you don't know, open access to her cell phone, keylogger on her computer, and she has to let you know where she is at all times. If she doesn't want to do this or you catch her breaking any rules you set down kick her back out.

Don't make threats or give her ultimatums that you won't back up. Otherwise she'll lose even more respect for you (because she can't have much for you to begin with if she goes off with two guys who kick your ass) and won't take any future threats seriously.

To be blunt though I think you'd be better just kicking her out period and letting her work her way back into your good graces if she wants to badly enough. She has more to prove than you do. And you could always move on. If my significant other went off with the guy(s) who gave me a beatdown, there would be no second chances. I don't care how long we've been together. But that's just me.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Very sorry that you find yourself here, but if you take the time to read through this forum, you might be able to ensure a happy future for yourself. That future may or may not include the woman you are currentl with.

Since you seem to be on the fence about what to do, my advice would be to follow the standard procedures for gathering hard proof. Install ke loggers/monitoring software on all computers she has access to. Install monitoring software on her cell phone. Purchase a few voice activated recorders and velcro one to the underside of the drivers seat of her car.

Once you confirm or discount infidelity, your choices will be simple.


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

thanks for your advice. I'm away at a family wedding right now and won't return until tomorrow. She couldn't come cos of work. I'll face her with it all tomorrow. I've been told some pretty appalling things about her by a woman who was a close friend of hers. Problem is, in the past whenever I've tried to discuss this with her she goes beserk, screaming and shouting. To be honest right now I'm not even sure if I should bother to return. What a mess. We've been married less than a year. I don't understand how she could have gone on so long about getting married if all this is true.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Me thinks she has a personality disorder. Maybe borderline. Does she have extreme jealousy and abandonment issues?


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

you've just described her to a T. When we first met she was insanely jealous even though I gave her no cause to be and her father walked out on her when she was just a kid and I know that she still has issues with that.

When I first met her she was engaged to be married but we started having a relationship. Her bloke would go off to work and she would be at my place like a shot. Eventually I wasn't prepared to go through with anymore deceit and told her to either leave him or to get lost. She moved in but I later found out that she still wasn't upfront with the guy, telling him that she needed space and was renting a spare room from me. Must say, my sister warned me to back off and steer clear but I suppose I felt sorry for her - her life had been so crap.

I told my sister what's been happening and she just started to cry. It's my sisters wedding I've been attending and I have to say it was awkward trying to explain why my wife wasn't there. I have a terrible sinking feeling.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I know for certain that if I threw a party --any kind of party, much less an all night beach party and excluded my husband I would never see him again. (with the drinking, carrying on and the beating)

Do you think she was misleading her hometown chums about your character? The comment at the bar, then the beating? 

Too bad you have a good heart and exposed yourself to more pain by caving in to her manipulation when she cried and begged. You know she realized you were a good thing, I mean you let her do whatever she wanted and allowed her to treat you horribly. 

Read your post as if your best friend wrote it, what would you advise him to do?


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't have a best friend -I gave them all up for her lol She and I have been so close over the past 12 years that up until a few months ago I would have trusted her with my life. This is not the woman I've grown to love - either that or I never knew the real her which is a bit...........

When I was having an affair with her before we got together she claimed her fiancee, with whom she lived, was a vicious bully and I ended up thrashing him. He was a very popular guy in the town - local music teacher, played the organ in church on a Sunday...... Bloody hell - she's done the same to me hasn't she? Talk about what goes around comes around! It's beginning to feel as if I've just wasted 12 years of my life with a monster. Thank God she couldn't have kids. I get back tomorrow and I'm going to pack a suitcase, grab the dog and just do a runner.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

So she cheated with you when she was engaged to another man ?
You can't be shocked that she would cheat on you.
A couple guys rough you up and she goes with them for the night 
DAMN !! Dude that is some nasty sh!t !! They wouldn't let you in
The bar when she was in there drinking ? 
Yeah that would be a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

You HAVE to get out, people like her can’t be fixed and she will NOT stop her behavior. I was with a woman like that a while back and it nearly destroyed me. It’s been 20 years and I still have scars from that.

The “nervous breakdown” is her life; she is just coming up with excuses to pacify you so she can continue to screw around on you behind your back. You know she is a lair so you can’t believe a word she says. 

Dollar to donuts you are right, she is most likely telling her lovers and friends you beat her and probably cheat on her so she can get them to sleep with her guilt free. Be prepared for her to threat to kill herself, these narcissistic types tend to freak out once you take the control away. All you can do is keep your distance since it’s just a manipulation tactic.


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

I've just had a call on my mobile from my employer apologising for precipitationg the end of my marriage! I'm a wild life ranger and when we moved into this cottage I discovered it was home to a maternity roost of pipistrelle bats and reported my findings. They knew I was going away to a family wedding and had assumed my wife would be going too. Seemed four young scientists turned up at my place last night armed with infra red and recording gear but all they managed to record was my wife shagging the bloke I work with. Couldn't make it up really.
One of the stories her friend has just told me was that she was discovered naked in the bathroom of this old guy whom we used to look out for. His neighbour came in and found her being groped.
Seems she's left and is now living with the bloke I work with. Good luck to them. I'm going to pick up the dog and get the hell out. Be a long time before I trust a woman.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yep get away from this one, wow that's bad.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

OMG, thats one way to find out I guess. Guess it doesnt get much clearer that that! 

Im sorry! It had to suck to get that info but atleast you got it. Now you can get out of that mess of a marriage and find someone that appreciates you.

I am kinda surprised that your employers called you, what does one say when they call someone to tell them that?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Let your supervisor know about your coworker wth is he doing with a married woman.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

If your story is true(which I certainnly have doubts about), I suggest divorce and serious IC/therapy for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

movin on said:


> So she cheated with you when she was engaged to another man ?
> You can't be shocked that she would cheat on you.
> *A couple guys rough you up and she goes with them for the night
> DAMN !! Dude that is some nasty sh!t !! They wouldn't let you in
> ...




wah......... How naive some guys are. How old are you 16 or 17.

Throw her out man, you deserve someone better. The whole town is banging her and you are saying you dont know how to react.REALLY?
Then If you want to react and if you can react then throw her out, Then get tested for all the STDs. Start dating again but stay away from women who are in relationships or married. Keep away from women who had a past of cheating. 
Any way Karma is a Bit.........


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Throw her stuff out in garbage bags and change the locks.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Spidey senses tingling.


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

Why would I make all of this crap up


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> wah......... How naive some guys are. How old are you 16 or 17.
> 
> Throw her out man, you deserve someone better. The whole town is banging her and you are saying you dont know how to react.REALLY?
> Then If you want to react and if you can react then throw her out, Then get tested for all the STDs. Start dating again but stay away from women who are in relationships or married. Keep away from women who had a past of cheating.
> Any way Karma is a Bit.........


No, I'm a 50 year old man. Had I been younger then I guess I would have walked as soon things started to go so bad. I think I just felt that I had invested so much time and emotional energy that I needed to believe in her. Oh well - no fool like an old fool


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

50 is the new 10... okay maybe the new 49.

But all in all, you can get back in the dating scene in just one year and still pick up late thirty hotties.


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

I think I might gave that a very wide berth


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

be interesting to see what happens tomorrow. With a bit of luck I should be in time to get the freight ferry and should get there around 4.30am


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dazedand..... said:


> be interesting to see what happens tomorrow. With a bit of luck I should be in time to get the freight ferry and should get there around 4.30am


What is your plan? I wouldnt leave my own house. She needs to leave. Does she know they called you and informed you of this? Did you confront her?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

dazedand..... said:


> Why would I make all of this crap up


If this is true, you have my deepest sympathy. Please heed the advice that you have been given.

(By the way, you would be amazed at some of the made up stories that get posted here. Last summer, a poster (poser?) by the name of JB had everyone going for hundreds of pages with his made up story about his wife abusing him. I guess that's why many of us are jaded when a story seems so incredible.)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dazedand..... said:


> I've been with a woman for over 12 years and we recently married and have started a new life in a small community in which she was born and raised. I'm considered to be very much the outsider by just about everyone.
> Despite this everything was going just about well until my new wife decided to start drinking in the local bar. I've never been one for bars and until we moved here nor was she. She started getting home later and later, pi$$ed out of her head and finally didn't even get back to the next morning. I actually went round to the bar banging on the door but she refused to come out, they wouldn't let me in and the woman who runs the place told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't their fault if my wife preferred their company to mine.
> 
> The climax came a few days later when I learnt of an all night beach party which my wife had actually organised but hadn't told me about. Seems I was the only one not to be invited in the whole bloody place. She was with a group of local men when I asked her what the hell was going on. It ended with me being battered by these blokes. She did intervene to stop them but even so went off with them.
> ...


You can believe that she is not a faithful wife. You have seen this by her actions. From just what you have seen. You need nothing more.

You may assume that her actions are actually worse than the rumors from what you have seen.

So whether she has been sleeping around or not, she is unfaithful. But again it is pretty much a certainty that she has.

If there are no children cut her loose.

This is quite a story ...


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

I knew she was lying to me but for whatever reason I chose to deny the knowledge. I just so much wanted it to work. I was in love with her.
When we got back together she claimed that rather than go off with the guys who had beaten me up, she spent the night in the layby at the top of the lane traumatised and crying. I knew she hadn't because I'd driven myself to the local hospital and the layby was empty when I left and still empty when I got back hours later. I can't believe I allowed myself to deceive myself like that.
I've no intention of setting eyes on her ever again. I'm just going to get my stuff and stay with my brother until I can start over again. The one consolation I have is that she will probably do to the new guy what she did to me. I actually confided in him a few weeks ago - what a complete bastard he turned out to be.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

dazedand..... said:


> I knew she was lying to me but for whatever reason I chose to deny the knowledge. I just so much wanted it to work. I was in love with her.
> When we got back together she claimed that rather than go off with the guys who had beaten me up, she spent the night in the layby at the top of the lane traumatised and crying. I knew she hadn't because I'd driven myself to the local hospital and the layby was empty when I left and still empty when I got back hours later. I can't believe I allowed myself to deceive myself like that.
> I've no intention of setting eyes on her ever again. I'm just going to get my stuff and stay with my brother until I can start over again. The one consolation I have is that she will probably do to the new guy what she did to me. I actually confided in him a few weeks ago - what a complete bastard he turned out to be.


Why are you the one talking about moving out? Is her name on the lease/mortage? If not, kick HER out.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm sorry to say this Dazed, but why are you even debating this? It's blatantly obvious that your wife has been unfaithful to you for awhile and with multiple men. Divorce the woman - get an annullment if possible.


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## dazedand..... (Jan 28, 2013)

It's her community, the place where she was born and raised up. I don't belong there and I don't want to be there. Anyway, the house goes with the job so she can't stay there either.

Writing about this has really helped me to put everything in perspective. I realise just how bloody miserable I was even though I tried to pretend otherwise. I've made a decision and it feels as if a huge weight has lifted.

Someday I will see the funny side to all of this


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedand..... said:


> she did claim to have been suffering a nervous breakdown and I only have the other persons word that she's having an affair and has been unfaithful. Her behaviour has been extreme since we arrived here and certainly is out of character.


She organised a party, didn't invite you, didn't diffuse the situations and then let you get beat up. She then left with the "blokes" and you only have the word of another as "proof" of an affair.

No, wading in AFTER you are getting pummeled is not help.



I read your original post, there are two people showing she had an affair before the night vision scientists.


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