# Sex life is great, but husband can't finish during intercourse



## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

We've been together 10 years and have always had a good sex life. About 3 years ago my husband had a heart valve tear and nearly died. They were able to save him with a mechanical valve and he is now on blood pressure meds and warfarin blood thinner. He is only 36. Those are his only meds. No drinking problem or drugs, other then the occasional puff of weed to relax, which isn't new.

Recently, I'd say for the last 8-10 months or so he hasn't been able to cum when we have sex, or when I give him a BJ. He can finish on his own after we are done by jerking off with me licking his balls and moaning to help. It's frustrating for both of us that he can't finish inside me or any other way. We have sex almost every day. Even if we miss a few days and he builds up, he still can't finish. We are both HD, him a little more than me. He is a very generous lover, always makes sure I get off multiple times and takes care of me. I take care of him and do everything he likes, amazing BJs, anal, everything. But he just can't finish before I get tired or he does. Before he used to finish with no problem, now it just takes so long. So I don't understand why it's a problem now. Anyone experience this? We're both tired of jerking off after sex. Our sex life is amazing other than this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

luvpudin said:


> Our sex life is amazing other than this.


An orgasm should never be the "goal" of having sex, and some people find sex even more exciting if they avoid an orgasm (tease and denial / tantric sex). So perhaps this is a season of your relationship to explore a heightened emotional connection while making love. If an orgasm happens great, and if not great. 

If you are someone who seeks validation by making your husband orgasm, that can actually give him performance anxiety and create situations where he feels compelled to force himself to orgasm in order to make you happy. You should shift that validation towards achieving a stronger emotional connection while making love and perhaps experiencing heightened states of arousal that you two never knew where possible. 

In the meantime, if your husband feels his problematic ability to orgasm is related to a medical concern, do see a doctor and discuss it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Well there are only 2 possible answers...

1) Medical. The timing suggests this one to be prime suspect, the blood thinners and BP meds. Look up the side effects of warfarin and tell his doctor what is happening.

2) Mental. If #1 isn't the cause perhaps some counseling is in order.

Oh, and I agree with BadSanta on just about everything he posts.


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> If you are someone who seeks validation by making your husband orgasm, that can actually give him performance anxiety and create situations where he feels compelled to force himself to orgasm in order to make you happy. You should shift that validation towards achieving a stronger emotional connection while making love and perhaps experiencing heightened states of arousal that you two never knew where possible.


I don't seek validation, but maybe he thinks I do. I'll have to tell him it's not a big deal. He always says he wants/needs to cum so I figure that's on him. It doesn't bother me if he does or not, though I'd like him to since I know he enjoys the feeling. 

Any ideas on how to experience heightened states of arousal that we never knew where possible would be welcome.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> He can finish on his own after we are done by jerking off with me licking his balls and moaning to help.


I think he may have got used to one particular sensation. You need to stop doing that for a while and move onto something that is more 'relaxed' (like a softer grip of your hand for instance). It will mean that there will be times he won't be able to finish but eventually his response will change to various stimulation and not just a strong grip of his hand. It is actually quite fun in a teasing kind of way.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Delayed ejaculation is more common than many people realize, almost as common as ED. 

If he can finish himself, then it isn't a physical problem.  As with ED, the most common cause is stress. I'd suggest doing everything you can to remove the stress - don't worry about it, don't try too hard. You say he is good to you in bed, so continue to be good to him, but don't worry about him finishing. If the pressure goes away, then its quite possible that he problem will just fix itself. 

A few other things to consider:

Are you trying to get pregnant, or is there any pregnancy risks? If so, that is an entirely different issue. 

You engage in all the sex acts he likes (which is wonderfully generous of you!), do you also know what he likes for mood / atmosphere? Psychology can be all important. Dominant, submissive, loving, kinky, etc. Is he comfortable telling you his fantasies?

Can he finish by himself while you are there, or only when he is alone? If he can, you can do some mutual things, like him giving you oral while he takes care of himself. That might help get over the stress.

Not sure I recommend it, but you can also use mechanical aids. A strong vibrator like a Hitachi on the underside of the penis, just below the tip will almost always work on most men.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your timeline suggests either a side effect of one of his meds, an undiscovered medical problem, or perhaps he has conditioned himself to only be able to reach orgasm with his hand. I'd start with your doctor. Perhaps ask for referrals to a urologist, as well.

If his orgasms are weak and he doesn't have much semen, insist his prostate be checked even though he is a bit young yet.


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> If he can finish himself, then it isn't a physical problem. As with ED, the most common cause is stress. I'd suggest doing everything you can to remove the stress - don't worry about it, don't try too hard. You say he is good to you in bed, so continue to be good to him, but don't worry about him finishing. If the pressure goes away, then its quite possible that he problem will just fix itself.


We have both been under some stress lately. Mostly financial. That could be part of it.



uhtred said:


> Are you trying to get pregnant, or is there any pregnancy risks? If so, that is an entirely different issue.


No, we are complete with 2 kids and I have a Mirana in. No worry about pregnancy.



uhtred said:


> You engage in all the sex acts he likes (which is wonderfully generous of you!), do you also know what he likes for mood / atmosphere? Psychology can be all important. Dominant, submissive, loving, kinky, etc. Is he comfortable telling you his fantasies?


Yes, he tells me everything and is very open sexually. We know what we like.



uhtred said:


> Can he finish by himself while you are there, or only when he is alone? If he can, you can do some mutual things, like him giving you oral while he takes care of himself. That might help get over the stress.


He doesn't masturbate alone, (no need to) and can always finish by himself with my help. I don't think he can do mutual things, too much going on lol. He has to focus on finishing. There were a few times when he just couldn't finish and said his hand got tired and was ok with it.



uhtred said:


> Not sure I recommend it, but you can also use mechanical aids. A strong vibrator like a Hitachi on the underside of the penis, just below the tip will almost always work on most men.


We can give that a try


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

luvpudin said:


> Any ideas on how to experience heightened states of arousal that we never knew where possible would be welcome.


Generally speaking if your husband is forcing an orgasm, it will numb his abilities to feel pleasure because of the hormones released during the males sexual response. After an orgasm males release hormones that counteract testosterone, arousal, and erections. Those in the BDSM communities take advantage of this by forcing males to have orgasms for the purpose of making their abilities to experience pleasure rather limited or without any respective compulsions to be aggressive for an orgasm.

You however mentioned that your husband's problem persists even after a few days without sex. But I think it is safe to assume that there were no prolong periods of arousal during this period when sex did not occur and/or he was masturbating. 

So if you want to experience heightened states of arousal, try purposefully having sex while avoiding orgasms. Perhaps do this once or twice a day for a few days on end until a very happy accident occurs! Make it a playful challenge. It takes the notion of normal sex and flips it upside down, in that a failure to not orgasm is a failure that is extraordinarily exquisite! Much better than the humdrum experience of failing or struggling to actually orgasm. 

What I'm getting at is that there are many occasions when something happens sexually that we do not expect in our relationship and we quickly label it a problem. In reality it may not be a problem at all, it may actually be an opportunity to explore experiences that the two of you have not yet shared with one another. 

In other news, a way to increase pleasure to levels never experienced before is to make sex into something where one of the two of you completely give up control over something. An example might be your husband taking away all your favorite adult novelties (if you enjoy those) and locking them away from you but placing them next to the bed where they are so close but yet so far away. The two of you go shopping for a new novelty and as soon as that arrives you are only briefly allowed to see it before it also gets locked away. I'm sure your husband will unlock them for you, but convincing him to do so and wondering how he will do it is where all the fun will be! The process will create create unique/fun situations of sexual tension that you'd never be able to anticipate. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

This may have been stated before but I will chime in. Is he on any antidepressant or anxiety medicine? Lexapro? Xanax?

I had this kind of issue when I was taking those medicines. 

Stopped taking them and all back to normal


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> This may have been stated before but I will chime in. Is he on any antidepressant or anxiety medicine? Lexapro? Xanax?
> 
> I had this kind of issue when I was taking those medicines.
> 
> Stopped taking them and all back to normal


Nope, just the meds I listed.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

badsanta said:


> An orgasm should never be the "goal" of having sex


Disagree. The whole time we're screwing I'm thinking about whether I'm going to finish in her, or on her, and exactly where it's going to all take place.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One more thought if its psychological: Try reverse psychology. (if he at all enjoys submission games).

Tie him up and tell him that he needs to try NOT to finish, or he will be "punished" (in some mild, fun way). Get some sort of new toy (just for the novelty), a fleshlight, or vibrator, prostate toy, or anything new, or just do something different from the usual, - and let him know that you are going to make him finish no matter how hard he tries not to. 

If it doesn't work, no harm done. There is a chance though that his problem is trying too hard to finish, and reversing that might actually work.


Obviously if he isn't into that sort of game, don't try it. Only if it falls under his an your idea of fun.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

caruso said:


> Disagree. The whole time we're screwing I'm thinking about whether I'm going to finish in her, or on her, and exactly where it's going to all take place.


 @caruso glad you chimed into a thread concerning a husband having trouble reaching orgasm with a partner and empathizing. Yes, it can indeed be problematic if you do NOT know where your sperm goes. This problem often originates during adolescence in the event your siblings ridiculed you for all the white/crunchy spots on your bedsheets. I'm sorry to hear this likely happened to you and that you are still experiencing anxiety of not knowing where your semen should go. 

If you are confused about it you should ask your girlfriend beforehand and see what SHE prefers. Never assume the option you feel is best is what she will be able to enjoy. For example is you get it on her cloths, some people get upset about that and it will only cause your anxiety to get worse if she has to fuss at you about it.

Sorry @luvpudin , I'm sure you might get a smile out if this one.

Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does he masturbate by himself without you around, a lot?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

In a very roundabout way, this sort of sounds like something similar that I've dealt with.

Only my issue had nothing to do with medication, it was all about fear of having a physical orgasm too early. If I slowed down, or stopped it from happening, it would sort of 'desensitize' myself toward getting there for a long time. It would also be difficult to maintain an erection as well.

When I get that feeling, the way I get through it is just to make round 1 a quickie. Get the orgasm out of the way and make Round 2 as long and as passionate as you can stand.

If he's doing things like making you slow down or stop in the middle of sex, he might be trying to do the same thing. Maybe part of him being a generous lover is him thinking that he has to delay his orgasm until he thinks he should have one. Maybe the dude is putting a lot of pressure on himself to do a good job.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I'm sorry to hear this likely happened to you and that you are still experiencing anxiety of not knowing where your semen should go.


That's ok, it's more like a temporary "anticipatory anxiety" based on the fact that there are just so many beautiful places on a woman's body that can be artfully decorated. Semen is the paint, penis is the brush, the possibilities are only limited by your own imagination and of course ejaculate volume.



badsanta said:


> For example is you get it on her cloths, some people get upset about that and it will only cause your anxiety to get worse if she has to fuss at you about it.


Something about getting it on her bra and panties is extremely stimulating, and she doesn't mind as long as I toss her stuff in the laundry when we're finished.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Glad that some couples enjoy the relationship. 

My wife enjoys some of the time. She has lower desire than I do, at least that is what she tells me.

Other times she makes hurtful comments.

Has he discussed this with his doctor?


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Does he masturbate by himself without you around, a lot?


Nope, never. He takes a shower with the door open and I see him in there, he does't do it there or anywhere else. He'd tell me if he did. Once we were apart for a few months for his job training and I sent him some nude pics to use on his own. That's the only time he really had to do it alone.


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> Has he discussed this with his doctor?


Not yet, we aren't sure if the cardiologist will be much help in the penis department and unsure where to look at this point. Never had a problem in that area before. Urologist maybe?


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

toblerone said:


> If he's doing things like making you slow down or stop in the middle of sex, he might be trying to do the same thing. Maybe part of him being a generous lover is him thinking that he has to delay his orgasm until he thinks he should have one. Maybe the dude is putting a lot of pressure on himself to do a good job.


He's not slowing down, if anything he gets faster until I climax for the 3rd or 4th time. He really wants to finish inside but just can't, not even anally which is a surprise since it's so much tighter. Even if he did finish fast he would make sure that I was satisfied by using his fingers or tongue, or both. It wouldn't be a big deal if he finished fast.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

luvpudin said:


> He's not slowing down, if anything he gets faster until I climax for the 3rd or 4th time.


Hmm. Maybe he needs to be told to go at a different pace and/or position that works better for him. Has he ever admitted to a position or something else just not working for him?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

luvpudin said:


> He's not slowing down, if anything he gets faster until I climax for the 3rd or 4th time


And this is a problem?

So what if he can't finish inside of you.

My question is why it's such a big issue for you to finish him off with your hands after he's gotten you off 3-4x.

Some guys would actually prefer to finish that way. As I said I like to mix it up but if I could NEVER come inside of her but all else was good I'd think that there could be bigger problems in my life. Much bigger problems.


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

toblerone said:


> Hmm. Maybe he needs to be told to go at a different pace and/or position that works better for him. Has he ever admitted to a position or something else just not working for him?


No, he'd tell me if it wasn't working. We always do doggie, but do others as well here and there.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Could be he isn't fully aroused. Men experience arousal and performance simultaneously as young men. That's why they aren't always considerate lovers - they often assume women are built the same way. It's it's erect, he's aroused.

As men age, this can start to get disconnected. He can perform just fine, but isn't as aroused all the time. Often guys don't notice this.

Sounds like this could be it. So instead of speeding up, switch from techniques and performance to connection and mental stimulation. Dirty talk, teasing, lightly striking so he can't cum and even tell him that. Like the other posters said. Make it a game of arousal. Wear sheer outfits but cover yourself and make him earn a peak. Etc.

You might find that engaging the brain more releases the fluids quicker. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

caruso said:


> And this is a problem?
> 
> So what if he can't finish inside of you.
> 
> ...


I can't finish him off with my hands, he has to use his. I start to try but he takes over. I guess I'm not fast enough, IDK. It's not a big issue, in fact I wish I could finish him off with my hands after he gets me off multiple times.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

luvpudin said:


> I can't finish him off with my hands, he has to use his. I start to try but he takes over. I guess I'm not fast enough, IDK. It's not a big issue, in fact I wish I could finish him off with my hands after he gets me off multiple times.


Thanks for clarifying. 

It has nothing to do with your hands, or your speed or anything else. It's all about him being in control.

Again, so what. Let him do most of the driving, you can be backup assist.

There are worse problems.

Just thought of another thing to try. You get on top, but let him guide your thrusting using his hands and arms so he's sort of using your body as one big pair of hands.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

luvpudin said:


> He's not slowing down, if anything he gets faster until I climax for the 3rd or 4th time. He really wants to finish inside but just can't, not even anally which is a surprise since it's so much tighter.


As men age we tend to loose a little sensitivity with our penises. Thrusting quickly can also make the pens numb! This is usually offset by an exponentially larger mental capacity to enjoy stimulation via thought alone. Some older men can actually bring themselves to climax via thought alone.

*So work with him on less friction and more fantasy! *

Don't be afraid to role play a kinky scenario for him that there is no way you would actually do in real life. An example might be to blindfold him and tell him that one of your friends is going to use him as a toy because she is separated from her husband and just needs some sex. In reality it is just you and you put on a perfume you have never worn before, and tie up his hands so that he can not feel it is you and also make it to where he can't thrust. Pretend you are putting a condom on him to be safe, but in reality it is just a cøck ring. It will mess with his head so much, that you will get an idea of how exciting it can be to stimulate mostly his mind during sex!

Badsanta


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## luvpudin (Oct 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> As men age we tend to loose a little sensitivity with our penises. Thrusting quickly can also make the pens numb! This is usually offset by an exponentially larger mental capacity to enjoy stimulation via thought alone. Some older men can actually bring themselves to climax via thought alone.
> 
> *So work with him on less friction and more fantasy! *
> 
> ...


Hmmm... I don't want my man thinking of another woman while we are having sex. That doesn't sit well with me. He's told me in the past that he only wants to think about me. Hopefully that is true. I'll have to find some other ways to do that.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

luvpudin said:


> Hmmm... I don't want my man thinking of another woman while we are having sex. That doesn't sit well with me. He's told me in the past that he only wants to think about me. Hopefully that is true..


Some white lies are acceptable white lies because they're told only to save the other person a bit of grief and really don't cause any harm, and there's really no other choice because it's impossible to change what the lie is covering up for.

Others include : "Yes that outfit looks great on you" (after she's tried on 5 others and you're already 20 minutes late), "No you don't look fat in that dress", "I really enjoy spending time with your parents".


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

luvpudin said:


> Hmmm... I don't want my man thinking of another woman while we are having sex. That doesn't sit well with me. He's told me in the past that he only wants to think about me. Hopefully that is true. I'll have to find some other ways to do that.


OH, it would not be the other woman he is thinking about, but more of "OMG my wife thinks I am a sex toy that needs to be tied down and is letting someone else see me like this!"

Anyway, that was just one odd example. OK here is a fun one....

Search for a porn video that has interesting audio. Instead of watching it with your husband, turn off or obscure the screen so that there is nothing to see. Then ask him to describe to you in detail what he thinks he is hearing. THIS will send his imagination in to overload because he is getting audio, but lacks the corresponding visuals that his brain will try to visualize. If done with headphones, the experience can be like you are in a college dorm without any lights turned on while your roommate is having rather adventurous sex across the room. The brain is like, "wait a minute, I know what that sound is... WTF... that is NOT what I think it is, OMG what are they doing????" 

My wife used to fuss at me for watching too much porn, so I once tried this experiment of ONLY listening to it, and discovered that some porn is way better when you turn off the monitor and just use headphones!!!!!!!!!! Obviously porn produced prior to the 21st century is not compatible with this due to the cheesy disco guitar grooves and voiceovers of women faking everything. It needs to be a clip with silent background noise, so you can hear every detail, including stuff being thrown to the floor. 

My point in this post is to get you thinking of ideas that will stimulate your husband's mind more and unlock some new potential.

Badsanta


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

My W is far from adventurous, but occasionally, if she's tired, I'll tell her it's ok, we'll let Linda, the office slvt, take care of me tonight. Then I talk about what she does to all the guys... she's ruthless and quite the piece of work . It's kind of fun to talk dirty about an imaginary 3rd person and might put you more at ease 


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I have a bad girl twin that shows up in our bed now and then.. And she can be really really bad! lol


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

mary35 said:


> I have a bad girl twin that shows up in our bed now and then.. And she can be really really bad! lol




Boy that would be a mood killer in my bedroom. We've got two sets of twins :0


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Boy that would be a mood killer in my bedroom. We've got two sets of twins :0
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


> pity


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## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

I've had this same issue periodically over the years and I know just how frustrating it can be, for both of you. It has become more of an issue as I've aged. When I'm going through that phase I can say it usually results from stress (work or home) or my environment - sometimes both. My mind becomes preoccupied...not that I'm actively thinking of the issue that's stressing me out, but it's just back there in the back of my mind. Also, any slight distraction in my environment can have an effect...the ticking of the ceiling fan, a cat scratching at the door, the worry that one of the kids knocking at the door, traffic on nearby streets. Funny story- whenever we knew the kids were still up but we were going to bed, we would turn the dishwasher on. It was a loud, but we knew it would mask any bed-squeaking sounds that might be coming from our bedroom. At some point that dishwasher broke and I had to get a new one...and now it's super quiet...where are the loud dishwashers these days? Even the silence and not having that background noise will work against me at times because I'm worried of getting caught by the kids. This leads to that frustration that builds on itself, and then it becomes even MORE frustrating, then it almost turns to some kind of performance anxiety. It gets to a point of, ok...is this the night it's going to work? I hate it....

A couple things that have helped me.

Spontaneity. No planning. Don't do the same old thing, same day, same time. That kills me. My wife hates morning sex, but sometimes it just works best at that time. When duty calls....

Environment. When I'm on vacation and in a hotel room, it's game over for my poor wife. It's at that moment I have zero stress, nothing around me is familiar and I can be in the moment, undistracted by life and anything around me. Maybe plan a night away out of your own environment...just to get over that hump

Anticipation. Someone else mentioned something I liked and that we've done. Tease him through the day. A peek here and there throughout the day, slowly building up the excitement. Allow him to briefly touch the goods at some point through the day, but don't allow him to go any further....that should drive him nuts

Once you get through that barrier of frustration, it makes it so much easier. At least that's what has worked for us


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I have suffered with this for many years. It is very difficult to treat and despite seeing many therapists I have never even been able to find a cause much less a cure. For me it only happens when I enter into a relationship. With paid sex or one night stands I ejaculate just fine but after the 2nd or 3rd sexual encounter with the same woman it is like somebody turned off a switch. I can't ejaculate by any means and loose all desire for the woman. When I was single it didn't really bother me as I'd just move on to someone else. It wasn't until I got married that not being able to ejaculate became a huge problem especially when we wanted kids. We had to use a fertility specialist in order to conceive (I can masturbate alone no problem) My marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years because of this problem.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Prone Masturbation causes this. Make sure he isn't do that.


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