# Mad



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I need to talk...

some of this crap is driving me crazy and I cant get away from it. 

It's so easy to say "move on", but its simply not that easy. I feel trapped having to deal with continued gaslighting. But, its not that she gaslights me so much as she is delusional. She _needs_ to believe the total bulls*t she spews. I co-parent my 4 year old (50/50 joint custody). I refuse to allow my hatred/resentment of my exW effect my son's life. His behavior is directly effected by tension and turmoil that exist between his mother and father. So, I have to play nice. 

Anyway, Long story short...

She keeps trying to expose my son to this guy. She is still actively having a relationship with him. Had an affair with him for 2+ years while we were married (he was our "friend"). D since December. 

Her most recent line of crap is that he had nothing to do with our marriage failure. Despite being in love with him, and carrying on an affair for several years. Obviously I exposed it, Also got the US military to impose a military protective order (MPO)against him preventing him from contact with her. (after he threatened me and refused to cease contact)... etc, etc, etc... Really brutal stuff. Funny, She even said "well if I hadnt fallen in love with another man maybe we could have worked on our marriage but I need to see how this plays out". Obviously the whole mess was recorded, documented... I tell her I do NOT want my son exposed to another man, particularly one who participated in the break up of his family. she has the balls to tell me he had nothing to do with our divorce or problems. "he's not a bad guy, he's really great." and there is nothing wrong with involving him in my childs life.

I just don't know what to do. I can't stop her from exposing my son to this guy but it sets off massive alarms inside of me that she would do this... She brought this d0uchebag around him a week after the divorce papers were finalized (which voided the MPO) and lied to my son about what his name was... Obviously my son told me all about this guy he met (mommy's "friend")... 

Her f*cking delusion knows no limit and i can't just blow it off...

I need to talk... Maybe Im just too close to this to have a healthy perspective. 

What do you do?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First - breathe. In and out. Deep cleansing breaths.

Like you say, you can't stop her from doing this. So for your own peace of mind, let it go as much as you can.

I know, easier said than done.

I am sure your wife loves your son very much and wouldn't do anything irreparable to him. Despite the fact she's being purely selfish here, surely she still has that filter.

You can only control what happens when he's with you, not with her, so despite the fact you don't agree with this (and I am sure there will be more things in the future), all you can do is the best YOU can.

What is the guy REALLY like? If you can ignore the fact you hate his guts, what kind of guy is he?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Logically...accept what she does, state your opinion, and leave her to it. So long as she is not hurting him or neglecting him there is not a lot u can do.

Reality...god knows! Delusional people need their delusions so they don't have to admit they are wrong and so they can carry on doing whatever pleases their selfish world. Difficult to deal with as they believe their own crap. I have one of those exes myself. Total nightmare. 3 years down the line he seems to be turning a corner and being nice! I broke the relationship off due to his actions btw. He broke the family up, but I kicked him out, he still managed to blame me for all in his delusional way. Put it onto the kids, messed with their heads, I got to a point of feeling I had to defend myself against his accusations coming thru them....Don't go there whatever u do! Good luck. I reckon u will need it. I heard the 3 year point is where it gets easier after a split, I did not believe it. Didn't think it ever would. But now...last few weeks he seems to have changed....we will see.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What you do is to send him a registered letter---threatening to file a tort action agst him for whatever amount you wish---for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

You can look up the tort on line so you are familiar with it---this very well may make him dissapear as threatening his wallet, is the last thing he wants to happen

You can actually file the suit w/out an atty----and he MUST, answer within 30 days, or default---so he WOULD need an atty, which by itself, is gonna cost him money----and he would be on time constraint so he would need to act immediately

This is a viable way to threaten/make him leave your Son, and his mother alone

The Infliction of emotional distress---is what he did in helping to break up your family, and in exposing himself in the life of your son----this is an excellent way of possibly getting rid of this guy, with nothing more than a registered letter.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> First - breathe. In and out. Deep cleansing breaths.
> 
> Like you say, you can't stop her from doing this. So for your own peace of mind, let it go as much as you can.
> 
> I know, easier said than done.


I am breathing, lol. I'm a passionate person. I get overcome with urgency and frustration, it spills out in my words sometimes. 

I do understand what your saying, and exactly what you said is exactly the reality I repeat to myself over and over. I try to actualize that perspective everyday. I know I can't do anything, and I would love to let it go... This goes directly against my nature though. 

If there were no Son, I wouldn't care. I would have washed my hands on this and walked away. Although I still harbor some love for my XW, my logic is clearly in the drivers seat and has been for awhile. I would never want to be with her and do not need or want her in my life. She's not a bad person, at her core she is a good person. But she's very weak, Im sad for her at times. 

I get so angry and frustrated that I have to deal with her reality because I feel like it affects my son's reality and it's A LIE. lol.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> Plaintiff must actually suffer emotional distress. The emotional distress suffered by the plaintiffs must be "severe." This standard is quantified by the intensity, duration, and any physical manifestations of the distress. A lack of productivity or a mental disorder, documented by a mental health professional, is typically required here, although acquaintances' testimony about a change in behavior could be persuasive.
> 
> An example of an act which might form the basis for a claim of intentional infliction of emotional distress would be sending a letter to an individual falsely informing the person that a close family member had been killed in an accident.


Check with an attorney first for IF the above is true, then you must show evidence for any judge to seriously consider your case.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You're too close to it, that's for sure...also, not a lot of time has passed. D only since December! I know that everyone says this. But just take it one day at a time; when enough time has passed, it won't seem nearly as bad.

I went through a horrible time 8 years ago. I'd commenced a passionate relationship that didn't quite work out for me; I became pregnant...I was alone and without the one I loved/wanted. It was torture and I literally used to fall to the ground in devastation. But I survived. It took years, mind you, but I survived. It was day by day. Today, I look back...and the pain is gone. Life is funny like that.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

PIT stop, think and honestly answer the following question. Would you still feel the same if your ex-wife had another man other than the OM?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jnj express said:


> What you do is to send him a registered letter---threatening to file a tort action agst him for whatever amount you wish---for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
> 
> You can look up the tort on line so you are familiar with it---this very well may make him dissapear as threatening his wallet, is the last thing he wants to happen
> 
> ...


Hmmmmmmmm. This is interesting. But, it wont make im go away. lol. Trust me. He had threat of a court marshall, and a military MPO against him. That didnt stop them. I just want to prevent my son from being exposed to him as much as possible. I cant stop it obviously. But, I won't lay down and ignore it. If they keep pushing, I need to make it as uncomfortable as possible. 

Thank you for the reply, if nothing else its interestiung food for thought.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you dating yet, Pit?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

morituri said:


> PIT stop, think and honestly answer the following question. Would you still feel the same if your ex-wife had another man other than the OM?


I ask myself that question often. I dont think so. But, Im answering a hypothetical question. I'm honest enough with myself to say I'm not sure, but I dont think so.

I know what this person did. Someone who pretended to be a friend, yet pursued my wife. I know what was said, I know the threats he made, I know the shear levels of unbelievable that were involved. I know this person is morally void and emotionally unstable. He has attempted suicide in the past and done things I personally have trouble fathoming.

I also know they have a reality that will be fed to my son which is a lie. A dead lie. How can someone just ignore or enable there child to be fed this reality??

Maybe im just paranoid and overly dramatic. Maybe it will be fine, I dont know. For whatever reason, I can't disengage my concern.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Are you dating yet, Pit?


Hell no.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I just want to prevent my son from being exposed to him as much as possible. I cant stop it obviously. But, I won't lay down and ignore it. If they keep pushing, I need to make it as uncomfortable as possible.


Be VERY careful how you behave for if you do something stupid, your ex-wife may use it to seek a protection order against you and THAT would not be beneficial for you nor your son in any way, shape or form. But do continually ask your son how the OM treats him - does he yell at him, hits or pushes him, says hurtful things to him about you, etc. - for that is your duty as a father. The total well being of your son is all the matters. 

Consider also that your actions against the OM may have contributed to your ex-wife wanting to continue her relationship with him. You may have inadvertently served as a uniting force and extended their relationship beyond the point of existence. So butt out and let them be.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Pit---You say nothing you have tried---has made him go away----believe me when money comes into play as a suit to relieve him of his money, and forcing him to spend money on an atty---THAT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT---IT TAKES IT OUT OF THE NO CONSEQUENCES AREA---FOR RELIEVING HIM OF HIS HARD EARNED MONEY IS DIFFERENT


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

morituri said:


> Be VERY careful how you behave for if you do something stupid, .


I'm fairly calculating and very thoughtful in most matters. I won't do anything stupid. Thank you for mentioning a counter point to my actions though. 

I try to take the mental stance that I will only escalate what I find unacceptable. I have boundries, I like to think they are reasonable. (1. No Son/OM exposure) Maybe they aren't? But, I dont say or do anything unless the boundries are threatened. 

Let me give you a specific example which I hope paints a picture... 

Two weeks ago was my XW's weekend with my son (we rotate them) but she (teacher) was on spring break.. on her vacation week I knew she was probably itching to see OM. So I offered to take him that weekend, so she could have time for herself (ie; to go see OM, but I didnt say that). She happily took my offer. 



morituri said:


> Consider also that your actions against the OM may have contributed to your ex-wife wanting to continue her relationship with him. You may have inadvertently served as a uniting force and extended their relationship beyond the point of existence. So butt out and leave them be.


I'm very well aware of that, and it was calculated and considered. What I did was nessasary.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your son WILL be ok. My ex and I split when my oldest was 4. He immediately started dating other women and often they were there on his weekends. The kids talked about daddy's 'friends'. My ex ended up moving away finally and that type of exposure ended, but the kids know now exactly what was going on and have basically no respect for their dad, because of that and other things. Kids are smart, and if you let them figure things out for themselves, 99% of the time they come to the right conclusion.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

jnj express said:


> What you do is to send him a registered letter---threatening to file a tort action agst him for whatever amount you wish---for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
> 
> You can look up the tort on line so you are familiar with it---this very well may make him dissapear as threatening his wallet, is the last thing he wants to happen
> 
> ...


 Oh, I would totally look into this. As a guy, you would know that too much drama is enough to send the guy running. He might start to think, " This chick isn't worth the aggravation." and skip. Threating his pay might be the ticket to get rid of this douche rocket.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

crossbar said:


> Oh, I would totally look into this. As a guy, you would know that too much drama is enough to send the guy running. He might start to think, " This chick isn't worth the aggravation." and skip. Threating his pay might be the ticket to get rid of this douche rocket.


Not this OM. He is an excellent example of a predator who will lie and resort to manipulation tactics. It was always in his plan to seduce Pits ex.

The pressure must be bought on the ex wife. Perhaps Pit you can warn her if she denies the affair and tries to negatively influence your son you can and will take her to court for Intention emotional distress. See if that helps the situation.

As your son gets older you should explain the truth to him in words he understands.

If the OM comes up in the conversation with your son refer to him a bad man who pretended to be your friend so he could sleep with mommey even mention the OM was told by the military police to stay away. It sounds tough to say this to a four year old, I don't think you have much choice as I have no doubt your wife, her family and the OM are gas lighting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Get a child schedule that works for you and where in the past you allowed your son to go to your wife and her family for Christmas this time forget all charitable acts to your ex and have your son with you. 

Your wife is going to become more desperate to rewrite history. Another option is to post her and his details on the cheaters web site with photos , leave out references and links to you and say nothing to anyone. Over time someone will google their names and the information will be there and you will not have to say anything. This sounds OTT but it is important you counter the lies without any direct engagement with either of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Pit~

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to throw some reality at you. 

#1--You will not be able to prevent your little boy from being exposed to any male person your EXW has in her life. I understand you are kind of coming to grips with that, but have a personal vendetta against **this particular** man; however, part of your work is going to be accepting that there will be other men in your son's life eventually. You can not MAKE her stop seeing this particular man nor MAKE her keep your son away from this particular man. What you can do is change YOU...not her. So that's the #1 thing because part of the work you have to do is to change your thinking. Change it from "I'm going to MAKE HER keep son away from that monster!" to "This is a hill worth dying on, so I am going to change me to learn to accept there will be some other men in son's life at some time....and so I am able to minimize the exposure to OM."

#2--This part SUX but it's the truth. Threatening this guy with legal stuff will most likely be useless. He stared down the barrel of a court martial and a military protection order, and ignored them both to continue adultery with your wife. That speaks VOLUMES. So continuing to try to intimidate him probably will not work. If you have legitimate reason for a restraining order (for you or your son)...that's different. But otherwise I don't see this guy as someone who will back down from intimidation. 

However, here's what they MIGHT DO and it may make you throw up. Play to their selfishness. Right now they want to hurt you and they want to escape responsibility and have time together to seek their selfish desires. Fine. This is the part where you s*ck it up and be a DAD for your son. Right now you say it's 50/50 and if you tried to change that "legally" she'd probably fight you tooth and nail just to hurt you and to look good. BUT if you keep your divorce papers "as is" and just offer more and more and more often to keep your son, to give her some time off, to let her have a weekend etc. (whatever--again I said, play to her selfishness)...the END RESULT is that you would have your son more and she would have less opportunity to try to let the Monster influence your son. 

And by the way...YES it's not "fair" and it's not following what's in the court paper. You will have him more, it will cost you more, and it will inconvenience you more. That's just the TRUTH!! But the end result is worth it: your son would be with you more and there would be fewer chances for your EXW to try to legitimize her adultery partner! 

So in a summary #1 you can't change her...so change your thoughts. And #2 man it up and play to her selfishness by offering to keep your son more and more and more often even if it costs you more and inconveniences you; it minimizes his exposure to those two!!!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Not this OM. He is an excellent example of a predator who will lie and resort to manipulation tactics. It was always in his plan to seduce Pits ex.


Bingo. All common, or even uncommonly aggressive tactics are insufficient here. On both sides of the affair, obsession would be putting in lightly. 

Trust me, I was aggressive.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Whether we D or R there is always work we need to do. With kids involved it gets even messier. I could not imagine being where you are at. I still have my wife and working through R sucks. 

You still care for your ex but it is over, my friend. 

Try to always keep your wits and like they say in time this too will pass. 

Vent here as often as you want. I find it helpful.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Pit~
> I hope you don't mind but I'm going to throw some reality at you.


I hope you know me by now.  I don't mind, I want it that way.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> You still care for your ex but it is over, my friend.


Yes, I know. 

But my responsibilty as a father isn't. I feel like my concerns are valid. Long before I allowed myself to be consider "dying on this hill", I asked myself how much of this was about "me" and my feelings and how much was genuine concern for the welfare of my son. While I do identify my own feelings and admit my thoughts could be comprimised by them, I think I'm right to try to establish some boundry between my son and this person.

From your perspective, knowing what you do. Do you disagree?



Angel5112 said:


> Is there any way you can take HER back to court and petition for sole custody for the reasons highlighted above.


That is financially unfeasable and more importantly, not in the best interest of my son. His mother loves him dearly, and he needs her. I only hope to deter the exposure (even if only temporarily) to this person. In time, perhaps its something I will come to have some acceptance of ?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Pit, I don't have much to add here. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this. I am putting myself in your shoes and it would just suck. I agree with what Affaircare is saying - the more time you spend with your son, whether officially or unofficially, is a win for you.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Pit, sorry for your problems, you and I are on an almost exact schedule. My D was final in Oct of 2011, I discovered the affair July of 2011. I have just recently found out, what I thought was a six month affair was actually a year or more.
I have been told time and again, by friends and my IC that I must remain on the high road, and I agree. But the constant lieing going on by my XW is driving me mad as well. I want to ask her "How long can you continue to lie?" but I think I already know the answer....forever. 
You and I must remain strong, we must continue to do what is right, we must continue to improve us. There isnt sh** we can do about them, man is that hard to handle. Just remember you boy is watching you all the time, seeing how you handle things. You must be strong for him, make yourself the man he will be proud is his dad for years to come. While my youngest is 21, so dont have all the dynamics you do, I can tell you kids know the deal, be they 4 or 21, she can lie to others and to your boy, but he knows the truth....already. Hang in there partner, vent on this forum all you want/need. The POSOM she is with will come forward soon enough, will show his true colors. 
I love my XW as well, after 30 years of marriage tough to relearn everything, but it can and will be done. I believe what I love about her, no longer exists, but hard to make yourself understand that. I know.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

maybe this sounds completley stupid, but have you told your ex in this way " I know you love our son, and also your new man and you
want him to part of our sons life, but right now is not a good time for me, it really hurts me to know that you are putting o/m before OUR sons emotional well being, this divorce is still fresh, for all of us, maybe later down the road we all will be in a better place to possibly accept this" etc etc etc....


dont even bring up the court order etc, is she approachable this way? play on her heart strings for her son....


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Forgot to add, so sorry you are going thru this....


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> maybe this sounds completley stupid, but have you told your ex in this way " I know you love our son, and also your new man and you want him to part of our sons life, but right now is not a good time for me, it really hurts me to know that you are putting o/m before OUR sons emotional well being, this divorce is still fresh, for all of us, maybe later down the road we all will be in a better place to possibly accept this" etc etc etc....
> 
> 
> dont even bring up the court order etc, is she approachable this way? play on her heart strings for her son....


Yeah, I have. 

Because I understand my words and opinions are shared with OM and her toxic friends and she actively gets feedback, reassurance, and "guidance" from them about things I say. (she does not think for herself) I even paid out of my own pocket for her (us) to go to child behavior classes, and we went to a child's psychologist so they could tell her the "right and wrongs" of dealing with divorce and how it effects children (including NOT exposing them to OM's to quickly)... I figured hearing it from pro's that's opinions couldn't be refuted by OM and toxic family/friends would hold some additional weight.... Mmmmmmmm appearently, not so much. lol.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Pit,
I dont have anything in my decree about dating and exposing our daughter to another man right off the bat. I remember the parenting class said it was a No-No, and my ex wife has actually used a portion of what we learned in the parenting class to jump my sh!t about asking my daughter if her life over there was alright and going okay. Funny how the ex handpicks important details of the class, and completely disregards the parts that highlight her poor decisions.

Funny also, how it always comes down to a judgement by others, that "I" need to let it go and move on..

That for me, is like someone placing me at point A, B, and C, when in this process, I am already at X,Y, and Z. I brush off those types of answers from some people, because of their presumptive nature. Nothing about verifying your childs wellness is indicative of a clinging to the relationship... kind of sick of hearing it nowadays.

I have no issue about my moving on. I am where I want to be right now, but I also concern myself with my child, as most loving, caring parents would. When you see your ex doing stupid sh!t, of course you pay attention and are watchful of her safety.
Its like having to watch over a lunatic, whom youve entrusted your child. "She loves her mommy", well yeah, so did a lot of kids whose parents were completely unfit to manage a child.
Someone in a past post had challenged my definition of a lunatic, or insanity, when I used the terms more as a description of how I felt rather than implying a professional diagnosis, but what can you do...

In my position, I am fully aware that there is nothing I can do to change what my exwife is doing in her life. It all coincides with her current mental instability, that of which she probably still requires the xanax for; which is another thing, whose watching the kid while the ex is flopping around?
I think that I can rely on my kid to say something when it is crazy over at the other house, as she has already mentioned a few things in the past. 
I wonder at times if the ex has ever done a background check on these guys, and know for a fact that she hasnt, she doesnt play smart at anything that could be very detrimental to her. Thats just the way she is, moronic and careless.
Now, she has a new man that is buying into the whole facade, just like I did sixteen years ago, and he will probably allow himself to casually dismiss extremely pertinent and impacting issues that my ex exhibits, all for the sake of Love!! 
------just like I did.....

And he can have that baton. He can take it and run with it, and watch her the whole time throw sh!t in the middle of his way, and cooperate with nothing, and who knows, he may get out before its too late. Otherwise, the best revenge for me is to let him have the ex, let them play their little kissy face game, and meanwhile I too will focus on making my house, and my involvement with my kid the best for both of us. Its already been mentioned that she has a preference to where she stays. I try not to get too swell-headed about that, but theres a lot to be said for stability and that secure feeling the kids get.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Angel5112 said:


> I understand it being financially unfeasable, but is it in the best interest of your son if the OM is truly a threat to your son? Do you have evidence that he is dangerous? Even if you don't attempt to get sole custody I would think you could get a RO or NCO to block your XW from taking your son around the OM, even if it is only temporary.


I don't know if he's truly a threat and I dont know to what degree. I don't know how much is my very active imagination and protective instincts. I dont think he is in any emmenant danger. His mother loves him. I dont think she would put him in harms way.

But honestly I don't know... As many of you can understand, as a result of this I had experienced PTSD and I was gaslighted brutally for a longtime, it's difficult to get your bearings when your mind goes haywire... Lots of alarms have gone off in my head over the last couple years, many of them I shut off convincing myself (being convinced) I was crazy... Now, I know I was never crazy... 

All of this has caused me to lose my bearings a bit. At least to question myself. As I mentioned her gaslighting continues. Alot to deal with in your melon, lol. All the while I'm trying to protect my child and heal myself.

I know that I remain on high alert and maybe I aire on the side of slightly paranoid?. I still feel strongly about a need to keep my head out of the sand and act as a buffer between my son and exposure to the person.

Messy Messy. lol.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I hope you know me by now.  I don't mind, I want it that way.


I know that's why I gave it to ya. 

You aren't going to be able to control your EXW or the OM. That's it. You can't stop them. They are going to try to convince the world their sh*t is shinola. 

And just so you know, I don't just talk the talk. DearHubby's EXW...let's just say your ex reminds me of her in many ways. She fought like a tasmanian devil for 50/50 in the divorce papers, had ...well..."inappropriate" parties (shall we say) in front of the children (involving drinking, drugs, and strangers the kids didn't know), men came and went and she had them sleeping over in front of the kids, etc. It was a nightmare. And she had a doctorate degree and *fought *paying any child support. But we knew that the kids would be better off, more stable and in a decent environment here, so gradually we offered to take them more and more until she saw them for a visit about once a month and then eventually moved 2 hours away to shack up with her latest OM. She bought them extravagant BD presents and Christmas presents but no other CS, and you know what? We took it for the kids. We had them 95% of the time, we never had a break or free-time, and we were mostly poor and tired :laugh: BUT they were safe, stable, and out of that influence as she circled the drain.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> [maybe this sounds completley stupid, but have you told your ex in this way " I know you love our son, and also your new man and you
> want him to part of our sons life, but right now is not a good time for me, it really hurts me to know that you are putting o/m before OUR sons emotional well being, this divorce is still fresh, for all of us, maybe later down the road we all will be in a better place to possibly accept this" etc etc etc....
> /QUOTE] Posted by Struggling....
> 
> LOL you dont have much experience dealing with WS do you? If you did you would realize that to appeal to their decent, logical side is about as effective as throwing a shovel of sand at an approaching tidal wave, has about the same effect. The last thing they are concerned about is any one elses welfare, all they care about is the OM and themselves.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Pit, so sorry this is happening to you. I'm about to be in the same boat. My stbxwh left me for ow. They had lta that started 2 months before I became pregnant and has been mostly on for the past 13 years. As per my husband for the last three years she has been trying to get him to leave my 12yr old son and I. She also has 3 kids and cheated on their dad w/ my h. They divorced years ago. 
I say all of that to establish I don't think she is a good person, morally bankrupt for her kids as well as mine. My h plans to pursue a future with her. It has already been established that she can't meet my son while we are divorcing and in the papers it will say that he can't have sleep over if my son is there and it will even say that neither one of us can introduce son to anyone until we have been with them for 6 months. But, if he married her all bets are off. 
I don't fera for my sons physical safety but for his emotional well being and the future relationship with his dad I'm terrified. He already suspects his dad cheated and he even thinks he might know her name(he does). I told my stbxwh that when he puts it all together and h is still with her, it will affect their relationship and sons views on marriage and men for the rest of his life. H said well I hope it doesn't but I'm moving forward anyway. Just proving waywards are self absorbed beyond words.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Pit.
It sucks. It sucks bad and there is nothing you can do about it.

1. You can only control what happens when your child is with you.

2. You can not control the dirtbags or influence dirtbag behaviour. 

3. Pushing gthrough legallly will only make you look like the aggressor and give dirtbags something to complain to your child about.. "Oh.. Your Father... sigh"


I actually had a conversation with my GF about this last night. 

Her dirt bag Ex moved in with the OM and her child. G.F has to accept that the woman now is in the house with her child and is caring for her while dirtbag Ex is out. They have no shame, these people. It hurts and continues to hurt. I am expecting the same thing to happen too me. My kids are older and at least one of them has inherited the terminator gene from me . So good luck with that.

Dirtbags NEVER see reality and there is no natural justice in the short term. 

It is like a mind game you have to play with yourself. You may be thinking..

They are both POS and they deserve nothing. They are not good examples of human beings and .. fill in the rest.. 

Now..Say this out loud...

" I believe that as the Mother of this child she will not expose her child to anything that hurts or damages. I believe she is doing the best that she can under difficult circumstances and that she has the best interests of the child at heart"

Have a little puke and remind yourself there is no natural justice
then say it again because in reality she is a Mother, and as we know from Alien 1, they are formidable creatures in the protection of their child.

It is a long game. You just have to be honest, forthright and emotionally stable. 
So. at last. 
I get to give you a 4 x 2!

*Get a fcking GF! Share your bed! Get laid. Get drunk, eat fries in bed while smoking a cigar, buy a sports car, go hang gliding after a big night out.Share your life and stop obsessing about dirt bags, you are giving them power they don't deserve. Choose Life.

"You can go to jail for cleaning up dirt."*

Jeez that felt good!


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

At every contact with her I would ask her if he cheated on her yet? And say, "You know what they say, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you". I would also find if difficult not to create a gas light situation on her. Basically, find his phone number, and text images to him of a girl in lingerie, saying. Thinking of you...(and put the pos name in). Or find out when he is away form your ex, then leave him one saying, "you were such a bad boy boy last night, you barely missed my husband coming home". I would give her and him a taste of their own medicine.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> At every contact with her I would ask her if he cheated on her yet? And say, "You know what they say, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you". I would also find if difficult not to create a gas light situation on her. Basically, find his phone number, and text images to him of a girl in lingerie, saying. Thinking of you...(and put the pos name in). Or find out when he is away form your ex, then leave him one saying, "you were such a bad boy boy last night, you barely missed my husband coming home". I would give her and him a taste of their own medicine.


:lol::rofl::lol:

LOVE IT!!! Counterproductive but still.... LOVE IT!!!!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ing said:


> *Get a fcking GF! Share your bed! Get laid. Get drunk, eat fries in bed while smoking a cigar, buy a sports car, go hang gliding after a big night out.Share your life and stop obsessing about dirt bags, you are giving them power they don't deserve. Choose Life.
> *


*

lol. 

no thanks on the chicks for now. Im not in the greatest place. it will be fine. when im ready emotionally and can give 100%, i'll get out there. Im focused on healing myself up and transitioning my son through this divorce. Im vulnerable and its not fair to me, the potential women or my child to be rushing myself back into it just for the sake of some attention and some split tail.

hang gliding in Florida prolly not happening and i don't drink and i dont smoke cigars anymore either. lol.

I understand what your saying though... Point taken.*


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Pit,

Not sure about the Divorce Law where you live... But in GA,

"A child more than 14 years of age may choose which parent will have custody upon consent of the court. The child's choice shall be presumptive unless the parent so selected is determined not to be in the best interests of the child."

Children are smart. Think about the long haul.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> ..Im not in the greatest place. it will be fine. when im ready emotionally and can give 100%, i'll get out there. Im focused on healing myself up and transitioning my son through this divorce. Im vulnerable and its not fair to me, the potential women or my child to be rushing myself back into it just for the sake of some attention and some split tail.
> 
> hang gliding in Florida prolly not happening and i don't drink and i dont smoke cigars anymore either. lol....


Okay note to self. After my divorce, I took like a 2 1/2 year "hiatus" and concentrated on two things: getting myself into a better place (emotionally, financially, location, all of it) and getting my kids through it. Yep it was 2 1/2 years of celibacy and I'm a lover of sex...but it was SO WORTH IT!! 

When you're ready, you're going to be a great catch and you'll be ready to give 100%. So no worries--that is just wisdom!!

As to the hang gliding, drinking and cigars--dude take a little walk on the wild side. Drink grape juice on the white carpet. Eat potato chips in bed. Put your feet WANTONLY on the table in the living room while you watch TV. You know that red shirt you always wanted and you could never get?--buy it, wear it, and FLAUNT that you're wearing it. Enjoy the sh*t out of it.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RWB has it right, the long haul will be years from now and you will still be a parent, and guestion will be answered when these soon to be young adults start to ask.......years and years from now!

Brother it will all come together for them, and when its age appropreate they will start to ask. many men from now they will start to ask.

BTW, you have been here long enough and I hope you can read between my crappy spelling


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Pit,

My grown son now 26 was misguided by my wife when she was cheating on me. He was the teenager and dad was the "bad" guy. How could She agree with me to discipline him when she herself was cheating on me. She played me as harsh parent and herself as the loving one. Short term gain...

It all comes out in the long haul. Life is not a sprint, it's a marathon to virtue.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I feel like I'm at the VFW.

Pits brough all the veterans out, even Affaircare posted 

It's good to see you all still sharing.

I think it will work out pit, so, one day it will all come out . Today its your job to be the best influence on your kids. Even with out a WW we as parent have our work cut out for us!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My thoughts are with you Pit. I can't imagine the pain you're going thru bud. I would be so infuriated as well.


----------



## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Man double blow, as if it wasn't bad enough losing her to him, now she wants your child to be involve with him as well. I can't even imagine the rage I would be feeling.

Unfortunately you can control her, what she does in her home is beyond your reach. You just have to find a way to let it go...

You're doing right with your child, keep at it.

One thing I would do is not talk to her about the marriage any longer, she's not going to admit what you want to hear. It's pointless to still be discussing that at this stage and will only linger the pain.

You have to just let go, maybe get a counselor and maybe they can help you cope. 

What a sh!tty situation...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I need to talk...
> 
> some of this crap is driving me crazy and I cant get away from it.
> 
> ...


This is really tough stuff when you have someone rewriting history and making things up as they go along.


But the thing is your ex more than likely really believes her delusions. In effect her delusions are her realities. If you can accept that, that she really does believe her delusions, then you may want to think that she has a serious mental illness like schizophrenia. Some schizophrenics are quite high functioning but have a real problem accepting that they are less than perfect and taking on board responsibilities for the consequences of their behaviour. They will never under any circumstances “own up” and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.




The really big thing is that you will never reach a “mutual point of truth” with a person who is deluded. That is you will never ever “see eye to eye” with her. It just ain’t going to happen.


Once you really get and accept that it can be a massive relief.


Not only because we give up trying and can save our time and energy for more productive things and move on with our life.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is just one of those cases where you will likely have NO control over the other half of your son's life, from now on. It's time to start focusing on your future AFTER her, and do your best by your son when is with YOU.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

tokn said:


> Man double blow, as if it wasn't bad enough losing her to him, now she wants your child to be involve with him as well.


lol. I never really thought of it like that. interesting perspective I guess. 



tokn said:


> One thing I would do is not talk to her about the marriage any longer, she's not going to admit what you want to hear. It's pointless to still be discussing that at this stage and will only linger the pain.


???- nothing to do with talking to her about our failed marriage. That's done. This has to do with my child's well being. Coming out of a fresh divorce, it is NOT in his best interest to be exposed to another man, let alone this particular man. I go out of my way and happily volunteer to spend more time with him so she can go and see this guy. I dont care about any of that. He can have her, they deserve each other.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so sorry Pitt- you can't have a rational conversation with someone who is illogical


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Coming out of a fresh divorce, it is NOT in his best interest to be exposed to another man, let alone this particular man.


 And you have any control over that...how?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

turnera said:


> And you have any control over that...how?


Cause I'm a Jedi, and I have a little orphan annie decoder ring.  lol.

I know control is an illusion. I understand I can't control anything but my own choices. But I think my choices and actions can effect my environment.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What choice or action do you think you actually have a legal right to take in this situation?


----------

