# My husband is strange or is it me??



## fcc

Hello ladies, 

I'm in need of some help again. I had spoken to my husband about his porn addiction a while ago. He promised to never do it again. He felt really bad about it, and so I thought nothing of it and we went back to normal the next minute! I never thought it would be a problem because I trusted the lies he told me about how bad he felt and hates to see me cry and all. 

Recently, I saw a few websites on his phone, and caught him watching porn on tv and jerking off. I was appauled by it and talked to him again. My trust at this point is shattered and I don't see him the same way anymore. We talked about it a lot, and again he has promised me that it will not happen again. I am convinced that he will change. But I need himto prove i to me before I can go back to being normal.

I am not able to be affectionate with him and be my old self. I can barely manage to talk to him properly. I think it will take some time, his care and love for me to be truly convinced again. This just happened yesterday and he expects me to be normal laughing, joking, and having sex with him again since he has said sorry an aparently thats enough. I CAN'T though. and this is making him upset that I can't be normal again and he says he sees no point of coming home to me if I can't be normal. (He works far from home so once in a while he gets a motel room to stay overnight whe he is tired) 

what should I do. Am I supposed to just pretend to be normal again. Don't I deserve some time and him not just leaving home for a while till I can convince myself to be normal? shouldn't he have some part in helping me as well?


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## OpenMindedGuy

At least he isn't having an affair. But you're right, he should seek professional help for his addiction to porn.


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## fcc

OpenMindedGuy said:


> At least he isn't having an affair. But you're right, he should seek professional help for his addiction to porn.


what?? am I supposed to make peace with it saying atleast he isn't having an affair??? and when he does I guess Im supposed to make peace with that saying atleast he's still with me?


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## 827Aug

This sort of problem can be just as damaging as an affair. Futuremore, you don't trust you husband any more. He's obviously addicted and the porn problem should be treated as such.


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## fcc

827Aug said:


> This sort of problem can be just as damaging as an affair. Futuremore, you don't trust you husband any more. He's obviously addicted and the porn problem should be treated as such.


I do believe that he's going to deal with the porn problem because I know he cares for me a lot. He has been looking at porn all his life before we got married too, and i know he has not been doing it as much now. He says he feels really guilty when he does it too because he knows how it makes me feel.

My problem is that I can't seem to feel the same way about him as I used to be before. I dont feel the love anymore (I want to). He took me to dinner last nite and I couldn't even manage to say a word to him. I didn't know how. I slept on the couch because I couldn't get back in the bed with him. He is getting upset because I'm avoiding him and expects me to be normal after everything tha has happened. how can I?


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## sisters359

He must re-establish 'normal,' including your trust, before he has a right to expect you to act more normally. What he is seeing in you is the "normal" consequence of violating someone's love and trust; geez, what did he expect? It is no different than if you discovered some other upsetting and disappointing secret about him--your view of him would change, and you would have to re-discover a way to love him as you now saw him. He broke your trust and it takes time and counseling for people to get past that.

His "threat" not to come home is just that--an attempt to intimidate you into faking how you feel. That isn't fair of him. If he does not want to suffer the consequences of breaking your trust, then he may not be serious about attempts to change. You need to confront him about this. 

Of course, get counseling yourself to help you get past this. You may have a long row to hoe; good luck!


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## fcc

sisters359 said:


> He must re-establish 'normal,' including your trust, before he has a right to expect you to act more normally. What he is seeing in you is the "normal" consequence of violating someone's love and trust; geez, what did he expect? It is no different than if you discovered some other upsetting and disappointing secret about him--your view of him would change, and you would have to re-discover a way to love him as you now saw him. He broke your trust and it takes time and counseling for people to get past that.
> 
> His "threat" not to come home is just that--an attempt to intimidate you into faking how you feel. That isn't fair of him. If he does not want to suffer the consequences of breaking your trust, then he may not be serious about attempts to change. You need to confront him about this.
> 
> Of course, get counseling yourself to help you get past this. You may have a long row to hoe; good luck!



thanks for your response. I plan to talk to him today. But its so difficult to get through to him. I need him to understand that people can't bounce back from something like this easily. He needs to spend some time and effort into making me feel that trust again. Jeez, isn't this something he should have learnt in elementary school or something? Its just so basic to women, but not to men. And its alwaysbeen like this with him....I complain, he agrees, says sorry and expects everything to be joy joy again. He hates having to sit and ponder on what he has done.


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## sisters359

fcc said:


> thanks for your response. I plan to talk to him today. But its so difficult to get through to him. I need him to understand that people can't bounce back from something like this easily. He needs to spend some time and effort into making me feel that trust again. Jeez, isn't this something he should have learnt in elementary school or something? Its just so basic to women, but not to men. And its alwaysbeen like this with him....I complain, he agrees, says sorry and expects everything to be joy joy again. He hates having to sit and ponder on what he has done.


You are making excuses for him. He does not have less understanding; he has less willingness to face the truth and accept the consequences. Men are no different from women; he is acting selfishly--as would many a woman in the same situation. 

I hope you will get some counseling. You would benefit from preparing yourself for any outcome--what if he simply WON'T change, for example? You can learn to be happy--with him, as he is, or without him. BUT to continue to be miserable b/c he won't change is not a very good choice! Take care of yourself!


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## Chris Taylor

First question is whether he has actually been diagnosed with a porn addiction or is that your perception?

Second question is whether his watching porn and masturbating interfered with your sex life before you found this out?

If you answer yes to both, I'd push the therapy.

If not, you have to remember a couple of things. Most guys watch porn and they masturbate. it may not be your cup of tea, but it's reality.


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## starving

first off have u ever tried sitting down and watching porn with him, instead of always ridiculing him for what he is doing try joining him. It might spice up your love life. I for one watch porn with my husband and enjoy it. sometimes we both masturbate other times we just get primed up for some really hot sex.


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## Rob774

What i am about to say is not to be argumentative with you, just trying to do some probing. What is your problem with porn? I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea. But alot of men view it, that may not make it right, but these men (like myself) view it, and still have healthy marriages. I've been married for 11 years, 3 kids, etc. I don't watch porn and then run into the bed room and try to have my wife perform a gagging scene. To me, men watching porn is ... just what guys do. 

Please tell me he is doing something more in your marriage that would make you go into not speaking to him. Because that is a more deadly game you are playing then him watching some nudy booty. Men often do porn and jerk off as a release because of not enough sex in the bedroom. As the other poster said, would you rather him find a real woman to ease his tension with, because with your actions... that is the next step. Porn is not my wife's cup of tea either, but she doesn't try to redicule me and make me feel bad about it. And describe how it is an addiction? Was it every night, once a week is not an addiction. And you "finding" the websites on his phone... yeah "finding".....


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## ktilash

Porn can be very dangerous for some men. It really depends on what is going on. 

My husband was sexually abused as a child, was a sex addict, and had trouble setting boundaries as a result. He didn't see this until he saw a therapist.

So don't make a blanket assumption that porn is ok or not. It really isn't healthy at all for some people.

I initally didn't have a problem with the porn. I watched with him sometimes, and other times didn't. But it did lead to bigger problems. And now no more porn.


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## starving

I agree that there are times hat porn can be a problem but I do believe this is rare. I watch porn with my husband all the time we both get off to porn it is a stress reliever I like different porn then he does at times but all in all we both just like porn. I don't see a problem with it be it a man watching it alone or with there spouse. For me it's a total turn on. I'm just saying give it a try. if u don't like it then so be it but if u totally shut him out in the end your gonna lose him. Sorry to say it but there has got to be some give and take not just take. marriage is a two way street it can't all be your way, there has to be a little leeway.


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## 827Aug

ktilash said:


> I initally didn't have a problem with the porn. I watched with him sometimes, and other times didn't. But it did lead to bigger problems.


Ditto. The very same thing went on at my house. When my estranged husband and I were first dating he looked at a few higher end men's magazines. He then went to soft porn videos. And the videos over time got raunchier. And he wanted to watch the stuff with young children near (like a common room). Then the next step was to start acting out the scenes. By this I mean he wanted to have other men and women participating in our sex life. I said no. He didn't care--he did it anyway. His partying and orgies cost us everything. Never again. If the man is into porn, I won't be hanging around.

The point is fcc isn't comfortable with porn. Therefore, there is no point in belittling her for her views. It is a boundary issue for fcc and her husband to work out. As a Christian I find porn offensive and I'm sure others do as well. I tried to be open about it, but I got badly burned. I'm not changing my mind. It doesn't sound as though fcc will be changing hers anytime soon.


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## misspuppy

Rob774 said:


> What i am about to say is not to be argumentative with you, just trying to do some probing. What is your problem with porn? I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea. But alot of men view it, that may not make it right, but these men (like myself) view it, and still have healthy marriages. I've been married for 11 years, 3 kids, etc. I don't watch porn and then run into the bed room and try to have my wife perform a gagging scene. To me, men watching porn is ... just what guys do.
> 
> Please tell me he is doing something more in your marriage that would make you go into not speaking to him. Because that is a more deadly game you are playing then him watching some nudy booty. Men often do porn and jerk off as a release because of not enough sex in the bedroom. As the other poster said, would you rather him find a real woman to ease his tension with, because with your actions... that is the next step. Porn is not my wife's cup of tea either, but she doesn't try to redicule me and make me feel bad about it. And describe how it is an addiction? Was it every night, once a week is not an addiction. And you "finding" the websites on his phone... yeah "finding".....


could not agree more with you on this one.. well put.


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## Mom6547

Rob774 said:


> What i am about to say is not to be argumentative with you, just trying to do some probing. What is your problem with porn? I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea. But alot of men view it, that may not make it right, but these men (like myself) view it, and still have healthy marriages. I've been married for 11 years, 3 kids, etc. I don't watch porn and then run into the bed room and try to have my wife perform a gagging scene. To me, men watching porn is ... just what guys do.


Realizing the truth of this was one of the happiest days of my marriage.


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## geekchick

starving said:


> first off have u ever tried sitting down and watching porn with him, instead of always ridiculing him for what he is doing try joining him. It might spice up your love life. I for one watch porn with my husband and enjoy it. sometimes we both masturbate other times we just get primed up for some really hot sex.


Same here. You can learn a few trick from watching porn....


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## Trooper

What anyone thinks of as "normal" or ok does not matter, they are not married to this man. If it is a problem for her then it is a problem for their marriage. Maybe the bigger issue is the lying. He did say he would not do it again, but he did. Trust is essential to a marriage and if he has lied about this, the question would be what else does he lie about? Once one partner starts lying it is very difficult for the other one to trust again. If porn works for other couples that's great, but if she finds it offensive she is entitled to feel that way. I think trust is very hard to regain once it is lost, but counseling can help.


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## Rob774

827Aug said:


> The point is fcc isn't comfortable with porn. Therefore, there *is no point in belittling her for her views. * It is a boundary issue for fcc and her husband to work out. As a Christian I find porn offensive and I'm sure others do as well. I tried to be open about it, but I got badly burned. I'm not changing my mind. It doesn't sound as though fcc will be changing hers anytime soon.


Not at all trying to belittle her on her views. Just trying to give her a differnt insight on what may be going on. I am sorry you situation ended up the way it did... but your situation is an extreme rarity. There are many, many sane men out their who view porm (afraid to type in the word at work) and you will never know by their actions...because it doesn't change them. THey aren't any less caring, compasionate or attentive to their wife's needs.



Trooper said:


> What anyone thinks of as "normal" or ok does not matter, they are not married to this man. If it is a problem for her then it is a problem for their marriage. Maybe the bigger issue is the lying. He did say he would not do it again, but he did. *Trust is essential to a marriage and if he has lied about this, the question would be what else does he lie about?* Once one partner starts lying it is very difficult for the other one to trust again. If porn works for other couples that's great, but if she finds it offensive she is entitled to feel that way. I think trust is very hard to regain once it is lost, but counseling can help.


Where is her trust in snooping through his phone? Or do you think she just accidently stumbled upon his phone with its history up? Men can be guilty of this too, but sometimes women look for fires when there isn't any smoke. You don't have any business looking through anyone's phone, unless you suspect cheating. Keep up this behavior and...

Once again, i'm not trying to say she should just look the other way, but just _try_ to understand it better from a man't point of view.


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## Chris Taylor

Again, I go back to my two questions... is it a diagnosed addiction and does it interfere with your sex life (other than your lack of interest because of it)?

You admit that he did this before you got married so he has been doing this for a while. You may not like it but if he isn't doing it in front of you or on a public bus, what is the issue?


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## Trooper

Chris Taylor said:


> Again, I go back to my two questions... is it a diagnosed addiction and does it interfere with your sex life (other than your lack of interest because of it)?
> 
> Isn't the fact that she does not want sex because of it issue enough, or should they stay in a sexless marriage?


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## SimplyAmorous

Trooper said:


> What anyone thinks of as "normal" or ok does not matter, they are not married to this man. If it is a problem for her then it is a problem for their marriage. Maybe the bigger issue is the lying. He did say he would not do it again, but he did. Trust is essential to a marriage and if he has lied about this, the question would be what else does he lie about? Once one partner starts lying it is very difficult for the other one to trust again. If porn works for other couples that's great, but if she finds it offensive she is entitled to feel that way. I think trust is very hard to regain once it is lost, but counseling can help.



Ok what if he told her the truth, that he has NO intentions of giving it up? That maybe he feels she is totally over-reacting. How do you feel she would handle this ? They might even be divorced now, as some women on here, that is a total deal breaker. 

Every man is different, the majority do NOT have porn addictions that interfere with their sex lives at all. If he is denying her in the bedroom in any way, shape or form -while getting off to porn, I can see why she is angry , bitter & furious, I would be too!! I'd want to chop his nuts off. 

But If that is NOT happening, I can bet you HE feels she is totally over-reacting and doesn't see why he even needs to stop. She is demanding HER WAY & only her way to have peace in the family- or she withholds sex from him. This is a total breakdown of trying to understand the other. Nothing gets resolved this way, and it leads to men hiding , lying, falling back into habits they simply enjoy and want to continue to enjoy. 

Great book about this very subject, I bought it just for curiousity sake. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books: Reviews, Prices & more Husband didn't lie , didnt want to give up his porn, Wife almost divorced him over it -even though she was never denied in the bedroom, they devoted themselves to UNDERSTANDING each others feelings, desires. I believe in the end, he DID give it up (though I am not positive as I never finished the book). If he did, it was because his wife allowed him to be heard, she was committed to understanding him and his needs. Very very important a woman does this. And allows him a safe place to be honest before her. 

I really feel every wife struggling with this issue should buy this book , read it together with your husband, this wife explains in vivid detail to why it HURTS her that he looks, and equally you will get to delve into the minds of men & why they are compelled & find so much enjoyment. Both sides are presented with clarity and understanding. 

This book is essentially about "Communication", the kind all marraiges need to posses - so we don't have to hide and resort to lying to save face.


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## Trooper

Thanks for the book recommendation, I definitely want to read it.


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## Rob774

Porm is sexual fantasy to us guys. Simple as that. We are programmed for sex, and even if we get all we can handle in the bedroom, for some, the need to see others in the nude does not go away. I still say she's playing a dangerous game. Without the nookie... never ends well. Because unless her husband is named Quesimodo (sp?), there's atleast 1 chick out there who wants to bang him.

To the OP, start high, but settle on a middle grown. Lay down stern guidelines on his usuage. Basically when everyone is fast asleep, so its kinda like, as long as you don't realize he's doing it, no harm. No obvious signs on the computer like a bottle of lotion next to the keyboard or streaks on the monitor. I mean that's how i role, no viewing during regular family hours. When i'm on, its late at night, while the wife is asleep. She couldn't tell you when the last day/week/month i've been on the net.


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## Nekko

@Rob774
I only have to mention that sometimes when the husband hides, denies and lies about it, it can make certain women insecure. 
A bit of background for the sake of things. 

I've been watching porn for as long as i can remember and i'm a pretty open person. Despite that because my husband chose to deny he was watching porn, that he masturbates, that he has any kind of sex drive or is in any way attracted to other women i lost allll of my trust to him. 

I believed it for a while. I figured he's my husband, i'm honest and open to him and i don't discourage porn or him looking after other gals so there's no reason for him to lie. Maybe he was one of those guys with a lower sex drive. I even thought "hey, if that's the way he is, i can live without the sex, i'll just love him for who he is". 

Fast forward a couple of years, a couple of slips that he actually stares at women on the street, does watch porn and masturbates to it and he just "doesn't know" why he doesn't want sex, but he doesn't want it with anyone. All those things would have been harmless if he didn't LIE about them for years. Now that he did lie, i'm left wondering, "ok, what if he does have a sex drive", "what if he's cheating", "what else is he lieing about" and "how much can i really trust this man?". Why? all because he had to hide the porn.

On the other hand, if a relationship is completely ok from all points of view and the guy is honest about it, yes, porn is something men and women sometimes do. I agree with setting a middle ground.


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## Rob774

Nekko said:


> @Rob774
> I only have to mention that sometimes when the husband hides, denies and lies about it, it can make certain women insecure.
> A bit of background for the sake of things.
> 
> I've been watching porn for as long as i can remember and i'm a pretty open person. Despite that because my husband chose to deny he was watching porn, that he masturbates, that he has any kind of sex drive or is in any way attracted to other women i lost allll of my trust to him.
> 
> I believed it for a while. I figured he's my husband, i'm honest and open to him and i don't discourage porn or him looking after other gals so there's no reason for him to lie. Maybe he was one of those guys with a lower sex drive. I even thought "hey, if that's the way he is, i can live without the sex, i'll just love him for who he is".
> 
> Fast forward a couple of years, a couple of slips that he actually stares at women on the street, does watch porn and masturbates to it and he just "doesn't know" *why he doesn't want sex, but he doesn't want it with anyone.* All those things would have been harmless if he didn't LIE about them for years. Now that he did lie, i'm left wondering, "ok, what if he does have a sex drive", "what if he's cheating", "what else is he lieing about" and "how much can i really trust this man?". Why? all because he had to hide the porn.
> 
> On the other hand, if a relationship is completely ok from all points of view and the guy is honest about it, yes, porn is something men and women sometimes do. I agree with setting a middle ground.


See, this is why i will completely understand why you or women like you have a problem with porm. U sound like one of my coworkers whose husbands would rather lay down with the pc, then lay down with her. That's a no-no to me. If he'd rather settle for the fantasy, then experience the reality, he indeed has issues. As a married woman ( assuming you don't make him jump through hoops for sex) there is no way you should have to settle for this type of behavior.

On the other side of the fence though, i've heard men who are married who do view alot of porm, do so, because of their wive's either dis-interest of of marital s3x, or that they are tired of begging for it all the time.


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## starving

1st off he has never denied her sex from what I understand. That's a good thing. I'm a woman with a VERY high sex drive higher then my husbands, I get turned down all the time, so if she is turning him down he is bound to go to porn.I for one enjoy porn it turns me on in fact I could honestly say I love porn so does that make me a freak. If so, oh well I love sex and I love porn and I'm a woman. I look at dirty books u name it I gave my husband a 3 way for his b-day, I love anal. not everyone is the same there is not such thing as normal. To see me on the street or talk to me u would never know. I've raised a house full of kids and I'm a grand mother of many. I've done it all. In my opinion this needs to be talked out with NO judgments everyone is different. each person needs to try to understand the other, or the marriage is doomed.


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## Rob774

starving said:


> 1st off he has never denied her sex from what I understand. That's a good thing. I'm a woman with a VERY high sex drive higher then my husbands, I get turned down all the time, so if she is turning him down he is bound to go to porn.I for one enjoy porn it turns me on in fact I could honestly say I love porn so does that make me a freak. If so, oh well I love sex and I love porn and I'm a woman. I look at dirty books u name it I gave my husband a 3 way for his b-day, I love anal. not everyone is the same there is not such thing as normal. To see me on the street or talk to me u would never know. I've raised a house full of kids and I'm a grand mother of many. I've done it all. In my opinion this needs to be talked out with NO judgments everyone is different. each person needs to try to understand the other, or the marriage is doomed.


... i think i love you!!!

Being that you are a grandmother, i would assume you are atleast in your early 40's. You give hope to all us married guys in our 30's that at some point, our wives sex drive will be great as ours.


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## Trooper

I still think he needs to be honest, even if that would mean things are over. A marriage built on lies is not good. Trust is one of the basic pillars of marriage and if it's gone it will affect a whole slew of other things in the marriage. They may be able to work out a compromise or one of them may consider changing. If they cannot compromise then counseling about this one issue may help. What is "normal" for any one couple will be different than what is normal for another one so porn may work out great for one marriage but destroy another. They have to have a solution that they can both live with and if she cannot accept the porn then maybe she and he would both be better off if they were not married. Counseling can help them work through this. It does not seem that they are able to work it out on their own.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

It's really late here.... I can't sleep. Its my birthday and I am crying as I type.

I really wish that I could trust my husband and that he had enough will power to respect my request that he stop watching porn because it hurts me deeply to my core.

We have been married for almost 5 years but dated for 10.

I don't blame pornography itself. I blame myself for not being good enough to keep my husband from looking at it.

I feel like he is cheating. I feel like every time we have sex he is comparing me to porn stars. I can't help but compare myself and feel insecure about my body.

I feel like I have told him how bad it hurts me when he watches porn. I feel like I have made myself pretty clear.
This last time I told him I would leave him if he didn't stop.
I never wanted to give him an ultimatum, but I can't tolerate the complete lack of regard for my feelings.

He says he will stop but then he doesn't. again and again and again.
I can't trust him.
And I can't seem to get over it. Every time, I forgive him....but in the back of my mind I am still hurt and angry. I really wish it didn't bother me so much, but it makes me crazy.

I guess we are bored with each other. Having sex with the same person for 15 years can get old. But I have never denied him anything in bed. I always thought I was the adventurous one.

I am afraid our marriage is over. How can you be with someone you can't trust or with someone who disrespects you over and over?

A lot of my self esteem is tied up in wanting to be attractive to my husband. I don't want attention or affection from anyone else. This it makes me feel ugly and unwanted when I see that he has been watching porn. Especially when he won't even try to have sex with me anymore, and when he does it seems like he just wants to get it over with and that it is a chore for him.
My heart is breaking. I feel so alone. I feel like I am disgusting to him.

The worst part is every time I try to talk to him about it we end up having a fight. He gets defensive...or worse he lies to me about it and I just end up crying and angry.

I mean, I have put on some weight since we met when I was 17. My body has changed, but I am not huge, just a little thicker but still nicely proportioned.. In fact, I didn't really feel bad about my body until this porn thing came up.
He has changed too....but his physical image never meant that much to me, since I am attracted to him as a person, and I have always known that looks will fade.

When I want sex or even just a little attention he falls right asleep. Weeks go by and no intimacy whatsoever, but then I look at the computer's history and he is watching porn nearly every chance he gets when I am not around.

I mean, how can I fix this, if I now associate sex with judgement and betrayal? How can I make it better if I can't trust him? What can I do if my insecurities about myself are further reinforced by his behavior?
What can I do if he would rather watch porn than put a little effort into making our real life sex life more interesting and satisfying?

Is it too much to ask that I be the only woman he gets sexual gratification from? 



Gah!
I just needed to type that out.
FYI- I don't judge people who enjoy porn....it just hurts me and my marriage. I have no problem with masturbation either, I just don't understand why it has to be done to the detriment of my marriage


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## Rob774

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> It's really late here.... I can't sleep. Its my birthday and I am crying as I type.
> 
> I really wish that I could trust my husband and that he had enough will power to respect my request that he stop watching porn because it hurts me deeply to my core.
> 
> We have been married for almost 5 years but dated for 10.
> 
> I don't blame pornography itself. *I blame myself for not being good enough to keep my husband from looking at it.*
> I feel like he is cheating. I feel like every time we have sex he is comparing me to porn stars. I can't help but compare myself and feel insecure about my body.
> 
> I feel like I have told him how bad it hurts me when he watches porn. I feel like I have made myself pretty clear.
> *This last time I told him I would leave him if he didn't stop.*I never wanted to give him an ultimatum, but I can't tolerate the complete lack of regard for my feelings.
> 
> He says he will stop but then he doesn't. again and again and again.
> I can't trust him.
> And I can't seem to get over it. Every time, I forgive him....but in the back of my mind I am still hurt and angry. I really wish it didn't bother me so much, but it makes me crazy.
> 
> I guess we are bored with each other. *Having sex with the same person for 15 years can get old.* But I have never denied him anything in bed. I always thought I was the adventurous one.
> 
> I am afraid our marriage is over. How can you be with someone you can't trust or with someone who disrespects you over and over?
> 
> A lot of my self esteem is tied up in wanting to be attractive to my husband. I don't want attention or affection from anyone else. This it makes me feel ugly and unwanted when I see that he has been watching porn. *Especially when he won't even try to have sex with me anymore,* and when he does it seems like he just wants to get it over with and that it is a chore for him.
> My heart is breaking. I feel so alone. I feel like I am disgusting to him.
> 
> The worst part is every time I try to talk to him about it we end up having a fight. He gets defensive...or worse he lies to me about it and I just end up crying and angry.
> 
> I mean, I have put on some weight since we met when I was 17. My body has changed, but I am not huge, just a little thicker but still nicely proportioned.. In fact, I didn't really feel bad about my body until this porn thing came up.
> He has changed too....but his physical image never meant that much to me, since I am attracted to him as a person, and I have always known that looks will fade.
> 
> *When I want sex or even just a little attention he falls right asleep. Weeks go by and no intimacy whatsoever, but then I look at the computer's history and he is watching porn nearly every chance he gets when I am not around.*
> 
> *I mean, how can I fix this, if I now associate sex with judgement and betrayal? How can I make it better if I can't trust him? What can I do if my insecurities about myself are further reinforced by his behavior?
> What can I do if he would rather watch porn than put a little effort into making our real life sex life more interesting and satisfying?*
> 
> Is it too much to ask that I be the only woman he gets sexual gratification from?
> 
> 
> 
> Gah!
> I just needed to type that out.
> FYI- I don't judge people who enjoy porn....it just hurts me and my marriage. I have no problem with masturbation either, I just don't understand why it has to be done to the detriment of my marriage


1. Unless you've got 6 inches and 100 lbs on your husband, its doubtful you could have stopped him from doing this. Its nothing you did wrong.

2. That would be a good enough ultimatum for me. 

3. If its gotten to the point of him rather being with fantasy, then reality... then you've really have a serious issue.

4. I'm assuming you've told him how and why you feel the way you do, if he chooses to ignore it, follow through with your ultimatum, because he may not see himself has having a problem. If the shock of seeing you about to walk out the door doesn't get him to seek help, nothing will. If he lets you walk... then he's doing you a favor. Because when a man loves a woman he doesn't let her walk away.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

Thanks so much for your reply, Rob.

I rationally can tell myself that all guys do this and that it isn't about me. I can also see that it is unfair of me to ask him to stop if he isn't attracted to me anymore or no longer has an interest in putting forth the effort it takes to be with me physically. I can tell myself "at least he isn't cheating", but it still feels like cheating to me. Logically, I can tell myself that I am still beautiful and exciting and full of sexual vigor, but it doesn't necessarrily mean that I can stop the negative thoughts I have about myself because of this... the thoughts that say "you'll never measure up....you will never be enough for him".

I don't want to leave him. I really want our marriage to work. 
But like you said....if he won't work with me, then I should keep my ultimatum. I have too much self respect to go on in a relationship that has such awful trust issues.
I have been seeing a therapist and she suggested that he come to our next session. I hope that he will agree to talk about this sensitive issue with someone else. Though, I am sure he is just as embarassed and hurt about all of it as I am.

I really just want to feel better and have a happy marriage free of sexual dysfunction and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get that. I just need him to meet me half way and stop perpetuating my insecurities. I want to learn to trust him again. I wish he understood that this won't happen over night and that i can't just ''get over it" or that just because he doesn't think it is a big deal, that it isn't a big deal to me.
I need time. i need positive reinforcement. I need to feel like it is safe to be intimate with him again.

Sometimes I wonder if I sought out an EA that I might feel better about myself. Or if I started seeking sexual attention from other men I would feel better. Maybe if I started my own porn site?? But that is not what I want, I want to get everything I need from one man, my husband.

Just like I want to be able to be everything he needs emotionally and physically.

I consider our love and our sex as sacred and special and exclusive.

Isn't that the point of being married? To have one person you can share your life with? One person who understands you and respects you for who you are? One person to be able to be vulnerable infront of without fear of further pain. 

I just want to stop obsessing about this. I just want things to get better.

I stayed up for hours reading this forum last night, searching for answers, advice, and help. There is a lot of understanding people here who have simmilar experiences and some have triumphed over them and some have not. In some way it is just good to know that I am not alone, even if I feel completely alone.


Anyway, I really appreciate you people sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.


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## Rob774

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> *Sometimes I wonder if I sought out an EA that I might feel better about myself. Or if I started seeking sexual attention from other men I would feel better.* Maybe if I started my own porn site?? But that is not what I want, I want to get everything I need from one man, my husband.
> 
> Just like I want to be able to be everything he needs emotionally and physically.
> 
> I consider our love and our sex as sacred and special and exclusive.
> 
> *Isn't that the point of being married? To have one person you can share your life with? One person who understands you and respects you for who you are? One person to be able to be vulnerable infront of without fear of further pain. *I just want to stop obsessing about this. I just want things to get better.


1. Nope, quick fixes don't serve long term situations. And if you are a good person, eventually you'll feel worse for "going down that road." You'll wake up and say, "This is what i've become because of this." Why should you have to comprimise your own beliefs because of the actions of another?

2. As longs as you've shared EXACTLY what you just told me, to him, he's a fool if he won't accompany you to seek help.

And you may have read ealier in this very forum, i admitted to ocassionally view porm. Not proud of it, i don't wear a t-shirt promiting it. But i do view it. I make sure it doesn NOT get into the way of our sex life. As much as i disagreed with the OP's handling of her situation, i am still sympathetic to both you and her situations. No way i'd allow my curiousity of porm interfere with my marriage if my wife felt as strong as you guys do. Sometimes men need to drop the bravado and get a clue. 

Good Luck, let us know what happens.


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## Trenton

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok what if he told her the truth, that he has NO intentions of giving it up? That maybe he feels she is totally over-reacting. How do you feel she would handle this ? They might even be divorced now, as some women on here, that is a total deal breaker.
> 
> Every man is different, the majority do NOT have porn addictions that interfere with their sex lives at all. If he is denying her in the bedroom in any way, shape or form -while getting off to porn, I can see why she is angry , bitter & furious, I would be too!! I'd want to chop his nuts off.
> 
> But If that is NOT happening, I can bet you HE feels she is totally over-reacting and doesn't see why he even needs to stop. She is demanding HER WAY & only her way to have peace in the family- or she withholds sex from him. This is a total breakdown of trying to understand the other. Nothing gets resolved this way, and it leads to men hiding , lying, falling back into habits they simply enjoy and want to continue to enjoy.
> 
> Great book about this very subject, I bought it just for curiousity sake. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books: Reviews, Prices & more Husband didn't lie , didnt want to give up his porn, Wife almost divorced him over it -even though she was never denied in the bedroom, they devoted themselves to UNDERSTANDING each others feelings, desires. I believe in the end, he DID give it up (though I am not positive as I never finished the book). If he did, it was because his wife allowed him to be heard, she was committed to understanding him and his needs. Very very important a woman does this. And allows him a safe place to be honest before her.
> 
> I really feel every wife struggling with this issue should buy this book , read it together with your husband, this wife explains in vivid detail to why it HURTS her that he looks, and equally you will get to delve into the minds of men & why they are compelled & find so much enjoyment. Both sides are presented with clarity and understanding.
> 
> This book is essentially about "Communication", the kind all marraiges need to posses - so we don't have to hide and resort to lying to save face.


If he told her the truth she would have a choice and, yes, it might end in divorce but she would have a chance to find a man who didn't watch porn all the time.

I don't think watching porn all the time is normal maybe because I'm not married to a guy who does this. Thing is, I don't want to be so maybe I don't want to be married to a normal guy if this is normal.


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## mattphx

Marriage is all about respecting your partner. Although watching porn is quite common it is apparent you do not agree. Your husband should respect your fealings and quit watching porn. You should help him out by making your sex life more spicy.

GOOD LUCK!


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## Trooper

I feel for the ladies with this problem as it is an issue for me too. However, my husband just denies it now and hides it. I agree completely with Trenton, if they could talk about it then she would have a choice. Lies and deceit have no place in a marriage. A marriage should be about intimacy and sharing anything with your partner. At least that is what I want from my marriage and if my husband and I have to lie about who we are then what's the point? The men who lie and hide porn are extremely selfish. I discussed this with my therapist and she said they are narcissitic and self-centered and they want the marriage and the porn so they lie to get everything they want even if it means their partner will not get what they expect from the marriage. This type of person is also very reluctant to even enter counseling because it might mean exposing things they do not want to discuss or give up. My real problem is that if he can hide this, what else is he hiding? It has really destroyed all trust in our marriage and my husband even admits that, but he still won't be honest about the issue.


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## Diana

Hi, I am new here, and have a lot going on in my life right now. However, when I read this post a lot of memories came back to me. 

I was in a very long term relationship with someone just like your husband! Trust me, they dont change unless they get help. Professional help! He may say he will quit, but he will continue to hide it from you. 

I know you care about him and he may love you, but in the end, its an addiction..he needs help. You cant do it alone as he doesnt understand its an addiction. 

I am hoping that you will really think through this. I had to go out of the relationship as it was over my head and he didnt want to stop. We loved each other very much, but in the end he loved his addiction more. I found boxes and I mean boxes of porn pics, tapes of movies and other items hidden away in the garage. ( I wasnt out looking for it either, found it when I went to get decorations out). Credit card receipts for hotel rooms that had extra charges on them for adult movies when he worked out of town. 

Please find help for you and for him if you are committed to this relationship. 

I wish you both the best of luck.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

I just thought I'd drop by and talk about the progress I am trying to make.

The first thing I did was that I forgave my husband. I know he doesn't want to lose me. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't want me to hurt so bad.
I did have one stipulation- I will not tolerate porn. Now, that being said- If our marriage gets back on track, I might change my mind, but in the mean time, he has to stop or I will leave. Plain and simple. Until he hears it from me, there should be no pornography at all unless we watch it together or he wants to lose me for ever.

I got a lot out of reading this forum and the responses and oppinions of both sexes and I wanted to share what I am trying to do to solve my problems. Who knows? I might end up helping someone like so many posts have helped me.

So the first session in couples therapy was OK. We didn't actually talk about the pornography at all. We talked more about how we can connect as a couple. I guess I knew it all along, but hearing him tell someone else what the problems are made it sink in.
I am a workaholic, in a very demanding and high stress industry.
I like my job, I like the feeling of satisfaction I get when I conquer an insurmountable task at work. Unfortunately, I am always stressed out and when I come home from work, I am drained mentally and physically and the truth is I don't have much left to offer my husband. 
This doesn't mean that I don't still want sex, affection, intimacy and closeness, but he feels my stress makes me very difficult to get close to. I can see that. Though in my mind, I am thinking "well, the best way to relieve stress, in my oppinion is SEX!" But, If I am not approachable, or too needy because my shoulders hurt or I need to vent for an hour, then that can't be very attractive.
So, I am trying my best to not work so many long hours. I am not going in early or staying late anymore. I am trying to leave my stress at work and not discuss it with him. Eventhough, I always really appreciated that I could come home and vent (and sometimes brag) about the craziness of my job....
Though if it separates us and keeps us from being able to connect, I am willing to try and stop dumping it on him when I get home, not making excuses of why I need to work late, and at least pretending not to be filled to the brim with anxiety when I get around him.

I have stopped coming home and immediately running through all the work stuff, pouring a drink and flopping on the couch to veg out and relax.

I am trying to do more chores in the evening and put all that stressed energy into something more productive and just keeping my mouth shut when I feel I need to vent.
It is just really hard for me to relax, but I am working on it and hopefully he will feel that I am more approachable in the evenings. Hopefully, our time together won't be put on the backburner anymore because of my stress.

Though he didn't say it in therapy, he has said it to me when confronted about why he likes to look at porn instead of me.
he said " be cause those girls look perfect and you don't anymore" and " they are always ready to go, and sometimes it is too much work to get you in the mood".
As awful as it made me feel, I understand that too. As I mentioned before in my posts, I have put on a little weight (like 20 pounds) since we got married. I am not any happier about it than he is, but I didn't really think it was that big of a deal, because I still think I look OK. I actually didn't have too many insecurities about my body - that is, until he said this to me. I guess it is a big deal- to him and that means it should be more of a big deal to me.

After reading this forum, I have learned that this is very common. Men being visual creatures and all.... I know he'd like variety, but in a marriage he can't have that, the least I can do is make myself more attractive by losing the extra pounds so that he will be less likely to look elsewhere.
Admittledly, I somewhat resent this, but I know that I will in turn feel more attractive and confident, so I guess it is a win win.
I started a diet (counting calories, keeping a food journal), and I am making some basic small changes to add to my physical activity level. (taking the stairs at work, parking further away, walking the dog more often, ect.) I know it won't change overnight. I know a lot of women struggle with this. I never wanted to be that girl who was obsessed with their weight and what they ate...but I guess since my metabliosm has slowed down, I can't just eat what I want and sit at a desk all day anymore. I have got to try and work at it. It is frustrating and scary, but I am going to give it a shot. If it helps him be more attractive to me and gives hime more of incentive to see me naked then what have I got to lose, except the weight?

I'd really like to lose much more than the 20 pounds. I'd love to get back down to my highschool weight....though that is going to take a long time, so I am trying the baby steps. 10 pounds here and ten pounds there and hopefully in a year or so I can be where I want to be. It is too bad, that I want to look good, feel better and be more attractive to my mate right NOW!

I also suggested to him that we make a point of having sex atleast 3 times a week, whether we feel like it or not. I don't want it to be a chore or a routine, but it might need to be for awhile, until we can establish a healthy amount of intimacy back in our lives. We had been slipping into the once every week or sometimes 2 weeks mode, and that ain't right for a couple in their early 30s.
Honestly, I have always wanted to have sex at least 3 times a week or more (or atleast some sexual contact) but it is hard to get in the mood when you are so damn stressed and tired and still feeling insecure about your appearance. 

The point is that -I am trying. I have been initating more. I even grabbed him in the middle of the afternoon for a no strings attached BJ (that is way out of the norm for us). I also suggested to help keep it from being boring that we alternate weeks - where atleast one out of the three times that week one of us will initate something new to try and the other person can't say no. I like doing it in different places, trying new positions, toys, bondage, even more kinky stuff. 
It's weird, because when asked about fantasies, my H always says " I like everything we do and you are my fantasy" but he is obviously not completely satisfied or he wouldn't be looking at porn. And when confronted about his porn habits and our lack of intimacy he THEN told me the thought our sex life was boring...and I HAD to agree.

I am of the oppinon that if it's broke, before trying to smash something into further disrepair (* by neglecting your wife or watching too much porn or shutting down and doing nothing but drinking and smoking pot and playing video games or watching effing football all the time) then you should try and fix it. I always want to talk things out- address them head on. he'd prefer to bnever acknowledge that there is a problem until it becomes a much bigger deal. So I am trying to make things less boring for him.... AND I am trying to stay in constant communication with him about our on going issues and the progress we are making. Positive reinforcement and feedback work really well for me, so I am hoping it will have the same effect on him.

I always felt like I was the adventouous one. I always want to do something out of the ordinary, but then we slipped into this routine - 5 minutes of kissing, a little oral, this position, that position bang boom we're done before the late news is over.
I have lot's of ideas that I would like to try, but he seems so hesitant. I mean, we had sex 3 times this week, and I kept waiting for him to say "hey, let's try this" but he never did. This week it is my turn, and maybe he will get some ideas after he finds out what I have planned. 

That being said, I went and looked at the porn he was watching, and it was really very basic very vanilla... with the exception of menageatrois and some high heels. I can't turn back the clock and be 18 or 19 again, I can't magically inflate my breasts and I can't clone myself to do the work of 2 women, but I can atleast be availble and willing to try anything.

So maybe his needs are really simple and his idea of exciting is a little less than mine, then the problem should be solved once I lose the weight and stop obsessing about work so much. I am just going to keep trying until it works again. Who knows... maybe he will surprise me?

I guess I need to make more changes than he does to make it work, and I guess that is OK. I just hope that if it comes down to it, that he is willing to try just as hard as I am. Maybe I just haven't noticed that he is trying as hard as me...or just keeping away from porn and mustering up a woody 3 times a week for a wife that he is not necessarily attracted to is all he can do.

Anyway, thanks for reading this novel of a post- if you did read it. Any coments or feedback is appreciated.


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## SimplyAmorous

Trenton said:


> If he told her the truth she would have a choice and, yes, it might end in divorce but she would have a chance to find a man who didn't watch porn all the time.
> 
> I don't think watching porn all the time is normal maybe because I'm not married to a guy who does this. Thing is, I don't want to be so maybe I don't want to be married to a normal guy if this is normal.



Hey, Trenton, I just want to say/explain >> my situation is VERY different than most. My husband has always wanted to look, he does not like hard core stuff, just solo naked women, rather tame porn by mosts standards. He was never obsessive about it- but looked sometimes before work when we was only having sex once a week. He did hide it from me, I caught him from time to time. He could live without it -and did for a time out of respect for me. But since I enjoy it now too, I have no desire to take this away from him. 

He is a man with Lower Testosterone levels (but normal), meaning he is NOT as horny as most men his age, even me sometimes (my biggest whine in my marraige) , so ANY method possible to arouse him WORKS GREAT for me, I am HAPPY that he is dwelling on anything sexual & I want him to continue to do so. I know this sounds bizarre and most of these women are NOT in my shoes, but if they had a man who had NO interest in sex at all (thankfully not my case!!) , I bet they would he happy he wanted to look. For me , his desire to look at this is confirming (everyday) - he is still healthy hormonally. This is also why I keep a sex calendar, it is a barometer of whether he may need meds someday. 

I am a patheitc WORRIER, when I was told my husbands levels are those of a man in his 60's , I just about freaked out !!! So the fact he still WANTS to look, I just see this as pure HEALTHINESS -a sign of youth and vigor, I WANT him to remain a "dirty old man" - so long as I am the only woman he takes for a ride! 


My husband is surely not the norm here either, as he DOES NOT masterbate to looking at porn but waits for me. He has shared with me he NEVER masterbated to it the entire time we have been married (did plenty before that- as much as 3 times a day), he felt it was "cheating" - his words. I know he is telling me the truth because I was UPSET about it !!! It was another confirmation that his sex drive was sadly LOWER than other men-our whole marriage , NOT at all what I wanted to hear when I was feeling like a raging Nympho !

In my search for answers, I even found a study on the net suggesting that viewing Porn can RAISE a man's Test levels. 

For me, it comes down to >>> HOW a husband treats his wife, how he LOVES her, HIS faithfulness, where he puts her on his Priroity list. Mine does all of these excellently -- so I see no hurt in allowing him a little erotic variety - I simply have no issues at all with it.


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## Mrs.Elliott

I will never under stand this. i enjoy porn so thats probably why. my husband enjoys it with me. its nice. he's not doing nothing wrong. unless its offensive acts like illegal or something. let him be himself and love him for who he is, it doesnt count as an addiction unless he doesnt want you and/or it interferes with his job.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

I am sorry you don't understand it, Mrs. Elliot.... but actually I am happy for you that you can't understand it.
Trust me, it is an awful feeling.
If it isn't an issue in your marriage- GREAT!
Good for you. I am sure you probably have some issue in your marraige or life that might seem trivial to me!

The point is that it is an issue in ours. If letting him "be his self" includes letting him continue to lie to me and disrespect me and essentially degrade me with his actions - then NO! .... if that is the self he wants to be then he can go.

And while I am sure your input is appreciated by someone- somewhere- on some other subject....
On this issue however, I personally and respectfully disagree with you and do not think that your coming to this thread to attempt to invalidate and trivailize our problems is appreciated.


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## PBear

Mrs. Lonely Gal...

I think you're doing the right thing, and this is coming from a guy who's been known to browse some porn. Mostly, I'd go looking if there hasn't been any action in the bedroom, and if there's action in the bedroom, I won't go looking. And the action stops when my wife has lost interest, for 

I guess I see it that if something bothers the other spouse that badly (whatever it happens to be), and they communicate it with you, then they should be willing to work with you on it. At least, if he really does want to work on the marriage with you. But it might end up being a compromise between the two of you, in the end.

C


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## PBear

Sorry, I realized after that this is the "Ladies Lounge". Please feel free to disregard my comments. 

C


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

PBear.
Thanks for the comment.
I don't think that there is a "no men allowed' rule in the Ladies lounge.
I actually like hearing feed back from both sexes, especially on this subject. ( as long as yuou aren't telling me to just get over it)


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## Rob774

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Though he didn't say it in therapy, he has said it to me when confronted about why he likes to look at porn instead of me.
> *he said " be cause those girls look perfect and you don't anymore" and " they are always ready to go,* and sometimes it is too much work to get you in the mood".
> As awful as it made me feel, I understand that too. As I mentioned before in my posts, *I have put on a little weight (like 20 pounds*) since we got married. I am not any happier about it than he is, but I didn't really think it was that big of a deal, because I still think I look OK. I actually didn't have too many insecurities about my body - that is, until he said this to me. I guess it is a big deal- to him and that means it should be more of a big deal to me.


Sorry, but for everything you just wrote here, these 2 things launch out at me.

First of all, a man in his 30's should know better than to say something like this. I mean seriously! Where is his filter at??? Even if he thought it.. you don't say it out of your mouth. I have never even't ventured down that road before. And the comment that "they are always ready to go." Well no sh\t they are ready to go! That's what they were flown in and paid to do.

Second. 20 pounds??? Is that all? If you said 50 lbs, i would atleast consider meeting him halfway. But unless you are 4ft tall, i can' t see how 20 lbs could of all of a sudden made you undersirable.

Look here, these hangups... these are all on him. This is what porm does to some guys. Give them the unrealistic expectations of women. These women's jobs are too look pretty as long as they can or else they don't get the role. But their life style comes at a heavy price. They are in high risk of falling into drugs, stds, and unhappy relationships. Very few of these women eventually settle down and have a regular family. To me that's a lot to sacrifice. The weight issue you have, that's just an exscuse. My wife at one point was about 70lbs heavier than when we first met. It didn't stop me from handling my business in the bedroom. You sound open to a lot of things s3xually, i can't see how your husband has a problem. The fact that you are bending over backwards ( no pun ) shows how committed you are in getting through this. I just hope he appreciates it and does his part.


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## major misfit

Listen sweetie..I don't see your attitude about this as a "my way or the highway" thing. You have a problem with it? Then you BOTH have a problem. And don't let anyone tell you to just get with it and get busy. You don't have to. Porn is a purely PERSONAL choice. You have every right to dislike it as one does to like it. However...your husband is substituting the porn for your relationship. And this is the problem. It happens more than some would like to admit. It's an emotional "check out" from the relationship in general. It starts in the bedroom, and spreads out to other aspects in life.
Having laid down the ultimatum..are you prepared to really follow through? You can't issue ultimatums you aren't prepared to enforce. You lose all credibility if you do.
And not ALL men look at porn. That's a generalization and it's false. There are men out there who have no use for it. There are other ways to spice things up when they get dull besides porn. Might take a little imagination, but it can be done.
What I'm saying is you don't have to accept this. If it's contrary to everything you hold dear in your heart, you don't have to tolerate it. It sounds like he's got a problem anyway. And if he won't get help for it, then that puts the ball back in your corner.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

Rob774 said:


> Sorry, but for everything you just wrote here, these 2 things launch out at me.
> 
> First of all, a man in his 30's should know better than to say something like this. I mean seriously! Where is his filter at??? Even if he thought it.. you don't say it out of your mouth. I have never even't ventured down that road before. And the comment that "they are always ready to go." Well no sh\t they are ready to go! That's what they were flown in and paid to do.
> 
> Second. 20 pounds??? Is that all? If you said 50 lbs, i would atleast consider meeting him halfway. But unless you are 4ft tall, i can' t see how 20 lbs could of all of a sudden made you undersirable.
> 
> Look here, these hangups... these are all on him. This is what porm does to some guys. Give them the unrealistic expectations of women. These women's jobs are too look pretty as long as they can or else they don't get the role. But their life style comes at a heavy price. They are in high risk of falling into drugs, stds, and unhappy relationships. Very few of these women eventually settle down and have a regular family. To me that's a lot to sacrifice. The weight issue you have, that's just an exscuse. My wife at one point was about 70lbs heavier than when we first met. It didn't stop me from handling my business in the bedroom. You sound open to a lot of things s3xually, i can't see how your husband has a problem. The fact that you are bending over backwards ( no pun ) shows how committed you are in getting through this. I just hope he appreciates it and does his part.


Thanks for the reinforcement, Rob.
I know My H was just being a jerk when he said those things. I had him backed into a corner in this argument and I know that he only lashed out on the defensive.

Honestly, those two statements hurt me a lot and made me really insecure. In fact for a couple of weeks after he said those things I would cry every time he would kiss me. Lame, I know. But I couldn't stop the sound of those words ringing in my head.

Though I know he said that just to hurt me, there has to be some truth in it. Hence my actions to try and "always be ready to go" with little to no effort on his part and to try and lose some weight.
He wasn't joking, no matter how hurtful his words were, I know he meant them.
So far, my plan seems to be working. We are being intimate 3+ times a week. Granted- it is mostly me initiating and I have not been 100% satisfied with every encounter, but I know if I have taken care of him, he won't go looking at the comp to get off, and really that is what I care about most. Pleasing my man, and protecting myself from further emotional pain.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

major misfit said:


> Listen sweetie..I don't see your attitude about this as a "my way or the highway" thing. You have a problem with it? Then you BOTH have a problem. And don't let anyone tell you to just get with it and get busy. You don't have to. Porn is a purely PERSONAL choice. You have every right to dislike it as one does to like it. However...your husband is substituting the porn for your relationship. And this is the problem. It happens more than some would like to admit. It's an emotional "check out" from the relationship in general. It starts in the bedroom, and spreads out to other aspects in life.
> Having laid down the ultimatum..are you prepared to really follow through? You can't issue ultimatums you aren't prepared to enforce. You lose all credibility if you do.
> And not ALL men look at porn. That's a generalization and it's false. There are men out there who have no use for it. There are other ways to spice things up when they get dull besides porn. Might take a little imagination, but it can be done.
> What I'm saying is you don't have to accept this. If it's contrary to everything you hold dear in your heart, you don't have to tolerate it. It sounds like he's got a problem anyway. And if he won't get help for it, then that puts the ball back in your corner.


Yes, I am pretty sure I would follow through with my ultimatum. 
It would kill me to leave him because I really and truly love him with every fiber of my being, but I can't stay with someone who insists on disrespecting me, choosing variety and fakeness over a willing and loving woman and then lying to me to cover it up. It is the line in the sand. I am a great gal, with a lot to offer someone who is willing to make this one tiny sacrifice for me.

I also concede to the fact that forever might be unreasonable. If we can get to a point where I feel more confident about our relationship and have a healthier sex life- who knows- in a couple of years I might be willing to revisit the issue and allow porn back into our marriage... but until then, I truly hope he can abstain from looking at it. I am also willing to do everything in my power to help him abstain.

maybe if the time comes when I can say that porn is OK- he won't be interested in it anymore because he will appreciate the woman he has who is thinner, not so stressed out all the time and - of course, available.


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## major misfit

> I am a great gal, with a lot to offer someone who is willing to make this one tiny sacrifice for me.


 I hope you ALWAYS remember those words.


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## Rob774

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Thanks for the reinforcement, Rob.
> I know My H was just being a jerk when he said those things. I had him backed into a corner in this argument and I know that he only lashed out on the defensive.
> 
> Honestly, those two statements hurt me a lot and made me really insecure. In fact for a couple of weeks after he said those things I would cry every time he would kiss me. Lame, I know. But I couldn't stop the sound of those words ringing in my head.
> 
> Though I know he said that just to hurt me, there has to be some truth in it. Hence my actions to try and "always be ready to go" with little to no effort on his part and to try and lose some weight.
> He wasn't joking, no matter how hurtful his words were, I know he meant them.
> So far, my plan seems to be working. We are being intimate *3+ times a wee*k. Granted- it is mostly me initiating and I have not been 100% satisfied with every encounter, but I know if I have taken care of him, he won't go looking at the comp to get off, and really that is what I care about most. Pleasing my man, and protecting myself from further emotional pain.


I hope this works out, because he seems to be getting the better of this deal. He get's the punishment for being a jerk with the reward being more sex. Something i'm doing at home is wrong because i get less for being a nice, attentive husband. And he doesn't even have to be that good at the sex. But i understand you priority in your plan. My only concern is that it doesn't address the major issues at hand... which is him still. At some point it will all come full circle and you guys are going to have to come down this road or another road and address the issues he has.

Good Luck!


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

Yeah Rob,

You have a point. 
I was thinking the same thing. He gets rewarded for bad behavior.
As I said before, it is hard for me not to resent him for this. I am making all the adjustments to my behavior and I am making sacrifices.... but I just want things to get better. I just want to be able to trust him.
I don't want to have to worry every time I am not home, what he is looking at on the computer. I don't want to stress every time we are intimate that I am not measuring up in some way.
I don't want to feel deprived or neglected. 
It seems to me that the only way to fix this stuff is to do what i am trying to do.

I guess - stopping the porn is his sacrifice.
Maybe this is all I can expect from him at this point?

My husband isn't the sort to discuss much or talk about anything- especially his emotions.
He is generally a happy go lucky guy, so when I have an issue or want to talk about our feelings, he never seems to see "what the big deal is", or I talk and he just listens ( or pretends to listen).
Perhaps it is just a man thing, to be so reserved?

I can't say that the issues are 100% his... I mean, our marriage is a partnership, and my actions contributed to his actions, ect, and so on...

My therapist wants him to come to every other session, so maybe as the therapy progresses he will open up and dig deeper to get to the root of our issues and his contribution to them.


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## sisters359

MrsLG, I'm impressed. You are really reaching out and trying. I did the same in a similar situation and although it didn't work out for me (and maybe I wasn't verbally communicative enough, that's the one thing I probably should have done better), I can remind myself now, having divorced, that I tried. And it may work for you. I hope it does, and that things really turn around for you. You've taken the role most people won't: you see the problem, so you take the lead in addressing it rather than waiting for/expecting him to. Good luck; you are an inspiration!


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## marga88

Chris Taylor said:


> First question is whether he has actually been diagnosed with a porn addiction or is that your perception?
> 
> Second question is whether his watching porn and masturbating interfered with your sex life before you found this out?
> 
> If you answer yes to both, I'd push the therapy.
> 
> If not, you have to remember a couple of things. Most guys watch porn and they masturbate. it may not be your cup of tea, but it's reality.


I agree with this one. I think you need to confirm if there is really an addiction or not. 

If in case you know that your husband is not a porn addict, don't take his porn watching against you, guys love to watch porn and they masturbate even when they are married.

WHy not watch it with him, and use this as tool to spice up your sex life? I think this is worth trying. If you can't bit them, join the... so they say.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

marga88 said:


> I agree with this one. I think you need to confirm if there is really an addiction or not.
> 
> If in case you know that your husband is not a porn addict, don't take his porn watching against you, guys love to watch porn and they masturbate even when they are married.
> 
> WHy not watch it with him, and use this as tool to spice up your sex life? I think this is worth trying. If you can't bit them, join the... so they say.




Its not the masturbation I have a problem with.... its the sexual gratification from another woman and the unreasonable expectations the constant viewing pornography instills.

I would totally watch it with him, but I don't think we are quite there yet.
But when I am being neglected and he sneaks around and lies about his behavior, I am not just going to "get over it".

I am not sure if you are referring to the OP situation or mine...
I didn't actually mean to commandeer the thread, but I also didn't want to start my own thread when there were already so many about the same subject.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

sisters359 said:


> MrsLG, I'm impressed. You are really reaching out and trying. I did the same in a similar situation and although it didn't work out for me (and maybe I wasn't verbally communicative enough, that's the one thing I probably should have done better), I can remind myself now, having divorced, that I tried. And it may work for you. I hope it does, and that things really turn around for you. You've taken the role most people won't: you see the problem, so you take the lead in addressing it rather than waiting for/expecting him to. Good luck; you are an inspiration!


Thanks for your kind words of encouragement and support, sisters359.
I really think just coming here to TAM and typing it all out has really been good for my mental state.
The feed back I have gotten here has not only helped me work through it but it has also given me a sense of community and the feeling that I am not alone.


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## Joanie

Fcc mentions that she knew he watched porn before they married. Actually, she said he has been doing it all his life.
Did she think this was going to change once he put a ring on it?


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## JustSomeDude

fcc said:


> thanks for your response. I plan to talk to him today. But its so difficult to get through to him. I need him to understand that people can't bounce back from something like this easily. He needs to spend some time and effort into making me feel that trust again. Jeez, isn't this something he should have learnt in elementary school or something? Its just so basic to women, but not to men. And its alwaysbeen like this with him....I complain, he agrees, says sorry and expects everything to be joy joy again. He hates having to sit and ponder on what he has done.


Basic to women and not men? :scratchhead: I am going through a simular problem right now. Me and my wife had a bad fight and she told me she didnt care if we are done. Broke me all the way down. Now i cant seem to let that go and she keeps saying everything is ok and she just said it out of anger but i dont believe that. Shes keeps saying im crazy. Am I ? Are you? Sucks not being able to shake these feelings!


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## kelevra

Hey Lonely Girl sounds like you have offered what so many many of us men would love to have, a women that wants to please, have sex and intimacy and will try anything to make her man happy ! What more is there ? As far as his comments on why he watches porn thats total bullsh1tt. Men may be visual creatures but there's nothing that turns me on more than a woman that wants to engage like you. 
PS. voluptous women are the best. Good Luck Girl !! : ))~


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