# How hard has my depression mad it for her?



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hi, found the site very recently upon the bombshell that my marriage is done and she has had enough. I have previously and am now suffering from depression. Not a word i use lightly at all. I have today been to the docs to seek help (did it once before but decided talking and meds werent for me - biggest mistake of my life maybe).

For those interested; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62090-end-things.html#post1252873 is the thread about the seperation.

I wanted to make this thread to try and understand just what she will have been going through living with me. I have realised I have been depressed for pretty much the last two years but for one reason and another refused to accept it or deal with it.

So if your partner sufferers from depression, how hard is it and in what ways. i am becoming convinced most of our issues stem one way or another from my mental state and need to come to terms with what ways this could have been affecting her. I hope this may help me work through my issues.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Living with the mentally ill isn't tea with the queen. You likely know how miserable you sometimes feel and you probably have meds and doctors. Your partner gets to live with the same misery but without the meds, the shrinks, the excuses. You don't have a choice. She does but she has chosen to endure this crap as the price for being with you. If you had a choice, would you willingly live with it? She deserves medals and a brass band.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

The "same misery?" I don't think it's the same at all. My wife has suffered from clinical depression for years, and while it is difficult for me, it hasn't made me want to harm my self, give up on life, spend days crying, or look to medication for relief. I think that people who equate severe depression with temporary depression lack an understanding of what it is. 

That said, someone with that illness carries a storm cloud around with them that affects the people closest to them. In public they mask their feelings so they think it's 'under control' but at home they relax and become more difficult. It warps the way they see the world. In my case my wife has become a mostly joyless person who finds fault with everything, is quick to anger, and quick to assign blame. There is nothing comfortable or pleasurable about being with her. I know it sounds harsh, but that's the way it is. I'm not sure if she can turn it around some day. I'm hoping so.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That sound very similar to what I have put my wife through. 

I don't blame her, I gave up on myself a long time ago, so how long could I expect her to continue. Taken steps today but it has taken her being adamant it's over for me to even wake up to what I have been doing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My STBXH suffers from recurrent major depression/anxiety during most of our marriage. At times, everything was fine. When the illness flared up, he became angry, defensive, resentful and withdrawn. He refused to handle anything with the kids, the house, his job or us. If I suggested anything, he would bite my head off. When we asked him to join a family function, he refused saying we didn’t really want him around. We tried to convince him otherwise, but you cannot argue with someone like this. At his worst, I was afraid for our safety, the children would run out of the room in tears and ask me why does daddy hate us. We were walking around our lives on eggshells, desperately trying not to set him off. Finally, I couldn’t take any more. He missed birthdays, anniversaries, and major holidays by saying I don't feel like it, and walk out of the room. I fluctuated between feeling utterly alone, or feeling like he was one of the kids. He could not remember appointments, or conversations and if we tried to remind him-we got yelled at. The depression cost him his last job and he will not work. In the end, the anger and resentment-even on medication-succeeded in driving away friends and family.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

K.C. said:


> That sound very similar to what I have put my wife through.
> 
> I don't blame her, I gave up on myself a long time ago, so how long could I expect her to continue. Taken steps today but it has taken her being adamant it's over for me to even wake up to what I have been doing.


If my wife would even acknowledge what she's put me through it would be great but she holds the attitude that all pain is trivial next to hers. There's no recognition from her that I have feelings or that they matter. If there was, she would still have to deal with her illness (yes, I believe it is a brain chemistry imbalance), but at least I would know that she loves me. I'm not sure at this point. 

Make sure that your wife knows. Keep taking positive steps to treat your depression. Do it for yourself.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Make sure that your wife knows. Keep taking positive steps to treat your depression. Do it for yourself.


Even though we have agreed to stay under the same roof, I am going to sit down with her and have a "goodbye to my wife" talk tonight where I will apologise for what I have put her through. Without any of the excuses and accusations of previous talks. Weird to be saying "goodbye", she will till be there at home and I will still speak to her everyday but I do't have the right to call her my wife any more. I need to let her know that how far I pushed things has made me finally see.

Tbh, I don't have the strength to do it for me. I can do it for my kids though. I may have screwed up and failed at everything else but somehow I haven't done it to them yet. I cant and I wont.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

With mine, there is only one person in her world and she is it. She hates everyone else. Her focus is either on herself and her suffering or on her dogs. She believes nobody cares about her. She quit her job due to stress. I work ridiculous hours at two jobs to make up the difference but in her mind, I don't care. I don't believe she feels or even knows how to express appreciation.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Why are you saying goodbye if it isn't goodbye? That would be alarming to your wife. 

I think you said you were getting treatment. Are you on medication?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

No i do not have any treatment at the moment. I thought I knew better and left counselling an ddidnt give the meds a chance when it was tried years back. Now I have to wait probably weeks for a counsellor to be available. I see the doctor again next week when the blood tests come back and take it from there. 

Quite literally on my own to deal with it in the meantime as I have no social circle anymore (lived my life for/via the wife and kids for last few years) and all my family live far away.

It was a quick talk, already done. I just admitted the breakdown in the relation ship is my fault. I repeated my understanding things are too late for us but that I would do it for the kids if no one else.

Then I said even though we'll still see each other every day I need to say goodbye to my wife as you aren't anymore.

Hardest thing I have ever done.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

It's uplifting to me to see you take accountability for your role in your marriage. My husband has been depressed since before we got married. He is always the victim and blames all his irrational behavior and poor decisions on others. I used to hope he would see that I am here because i love him, and want him to get better. Instead he now blames me for his depression and no longer loves me. 

I guess I always thought I would be the first one to tire of our way of life.

I am proud of you for making changes to better yourself.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I just wish she had found a way to make me see 6 months ago. I keep thinking of little nudges she has given to sort my social life out and various other things but I kept on heading for the self destruct button - it is so shiny, how can you not press it?

I feel better today after yesterdays actions. I have accepted my failing and finally taken a single step towards trying to fix myself.

Thing is, I don't want to do it without her. We have been having a pretty good day, took the eldest to an appointmemt, grabbed a McD's before dropping hi off and it was nice. Well other than her asking if it was ok to take the kids to her Dad's on boxing day like we always have. Think i'll say yes as they love doing it, even if it means boxing day spent alone. 

She seems to have had a massive weight lifted from her shoulders she was more her old self. Today kind of like old times,except it wasn't. The weight that has been lifted was me and my depression dragging her down with me. All I wanted to do was hold her hand, tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am but she is gone from me on that level.

Doing this without her seems like such a massive task right now.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think you're doing the right thing by giving her space and focusing on bettering yourself. Perhaps she will notice this and appreciate it. Perhaps seeing this is what she needs in order for her to believe you are making a commitment to change. Because she probably doesn't want to get fooled into staying only for you to return to previous ways. She needs to know you are for real about getting better and giving her what she needs. 

You need to take this time to focus on yourself, so you can be the best husband and father you can be. Heal, love thy self and learn to love life for each day has something to offer us.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Thank you for your words of support.

Just posted a prayer i have plastered on my FB to that effect in my separation thread. Just got to actually do it though.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

KC, I really feel for you. You seem like a great person who has a solid grasp on his personal situation. 

I am a diagnosed bipolar, and currently am depressed. Have been for a long time now - haven't cycled to the manic for a long time. This happens with older bipolars.

Anyhow, I cannot urge you strongly enough to get real treatment for your depression. If you feel it is the reason for the breakdown of your marriage, and you have any hope for that marriage, you definitely need to fix YOU before you can hope to fix anything else.

I can relate to what you are going through. Depression creates a drag on your relationship that can seem insurmountable, especially if your mate is not on-board with your issues. But your lack of treatment tells your wife that this aspect of your problems was not important enough to you to address it. So I will say again, please, seek treatment. You do not seem to be on any sort of time limit, and frankly, treatment, which may include meds, will take time to "kick in." 

Take that time, stay under one roof, and see what happens. You may haved doomed your marriage prematurely.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Bobka i really appreciate your input.

I have lost the plot before in our marriage. My issues date way back before I met her. She was amazing the first time round, maybe too great. her father has schizophrenia so she is more open to mental issues than many people.

With her support I felt I didn't need the counselling and didn't stay on meds for long enough to say they were/weren't helping. I thought i knew better.

So when it has hit again I have used her as a crutch again and still not dealt with it. I totally see that two years is more than enough of that for anyone. I don't think it is the two years but the two years of denying it and looking for things to pin the blame on her.

I like to think the real me that comes out of the haze from time to time is a great guy, problem is the guy that swallows him the rest of the time tries to be great but is fundamentally broken.

I am massively grateful I am under the same roof as my kids, it could be so much worst. She may be doing that for their benefit rather than mine but it does stand in my favour. if i can honestly get better she will see it.

As per my separation thread, having acknowledged what I did and stressed it isn't her causing the depression I have managed to begin pulling back and giving her space. I can only hope I do this and I get better without her and that when that happens, she sees the real me before she gets too distant from me.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Bobka i really appreciate your input.
> 
> I have lost the plot before in our marriage. My issues date way back before I met her. She was amazing the first time round, maybe too great. her father has schizophrenia so she is more open to mental issues than many people.
> 
> ...


If you're clinically depressed, it isn't her, or even you, causing the depression. I'm sure you understand that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, and that's why taking meds may be one sure way to help solve the problem. You may find posters here who are against taking meds for mental illness, but those of us who have benefitted are pretty happy with the results. 

I say "happy" in the smaller sense of the word. In my case, my depression is currently "punching through" my meds, that is, it's too strong to be controlled by them currently, so I am suffering in both my mind and my relationships. But much of the time, in the bigger picture of my life, things are under control.

I spend most of my time here at TAM on the infidelity threads, as I am overcoming my wife's recent affair. It threw me into a whole new kind of depression I hadn't experienced before, with features of PTSD. We are working things out, but I am concerned that my illness makes me look weak to her, and I need to be strongest now. So I have a tough hill to climb. I'm glad that infidelity is not part of your equation. Do not let it become so, whatever you do.

Best wishes to you.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

K.C., have you tried working out for your depression? Like walking and jogging for an hour each day? I haven't tried it myself, but I bet it might help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Thought about, always found other stuff to do and said i don't have the time. been walking a bit this week though.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

First pill taken today. 

Initial counselling was done on the phone through a work benefit (NHS in the UK is so damn slow) and has lead to a Psych eval on Weds before any further counselling.

Accepting my marriage is over for good has helped me feel a little clearer. Had been torturing myself with fixing me to fix us but i have finally given up on that, looks like me and the wife are on the just friends route. I can take a different path but that one is the only one we can walk together now. 

I am fixing me for the kids and hopefully at some point myself though I have not been able to honestly say the latter yet.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

K.C. said:


> First pill taken today.


Just remember, depending on your personal chemistry and the med, it may take days and even weeks for you to start feeling the effects. Be patient, try and get through any side effects and don't blow off your med if it makes you a little nauseous or whatever - there are definitely benefits to being properly medicated. 

What meds were you given?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Fluoxatine. Doc said if anything i'll feel worst before I feel better so i am not expecting a miracle cure. She also said it is likely a long term course and not just a few months.

If the side effects are minor you're right, I will have to stick them out. If they affect my ability to function I'll ask the docs advice again.

Depression has killed my marriage. It wont kill me and it wont kill my relationship with my kids. I may act like a weak fool at times but underneath i am strong enough that I am still here. I am going to give my dark place a good kicking until there are some holes to let the light in.

Accepting my D is there and that my marriage is not has me in an oddly positive frame of mind today - don't ask about yesterday though that was unpleasent!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Fluoxatine. Doc said if anything i'll feel worst before I feel better so i am not expecting a miracle cure. She also said it is likely a long term course and not just a few months.
> 
> If the side effects are minor you're right, I will have to stick them out. If they affect my ability to function I'll ask the docs advice again.
> 
> ...


Every day is gonna be different. Relish the good ones...


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hope Springs Eternal said:


> Every day is gonna be different. Relish the good ones...


I hear this, up n down like a yoyo. Feeling pretty calm now though and managing not to fall apart all the time. Bit early for the meds so I think It's just am managing to come to terms some what. 

I still cant motivate myself to get off my ass though. Getting by doing bare minimum atm and that won't fix anything. I think acceptance of my marriage ending has really helped me calm down but it isn't helping me get on with the fixing things.

If I could delude myself into thinking I can get her back it would give me a goal at least but now I am past that, I see no way back for us as anything other than friends and parents.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

K.C. said:


> I hear this, up n down like a yoyo. Feeling pretty calm now though and managing not to fall apart all the time. Bit early for the meds so I think It's just am managing to come to terms some what.
> 
> I still cant motivate myself to get off my ass though. Getting by doing bare minimum atm and that won't fix anything. I think acceptance of my marriage ending has really helped me calm down but it isn't helping me get on with the fixing things.
> 
> If I could delude myself into thinking I can get her back it would give me a goal at least but now I am past that, I see no way back for us as anything other than friends and parents.


Lack of motivation definitely goes with depression. I am right there with you, brother.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> I've been anxious and depressed my whole life. I've been on every anti-anxiety and SSRI there is and couldn't tolerate the side effects of almost all of them. Recently, I had gone off all meds to see how I can do but that didn't work too well. But when your spouse decides to put up with a mentally ill partner your kind of lucky. It's hard to remember being lucky when your very sad. This post has no point, I guess. I just wanted to post it.


I feel very blessed that my wife has stuck by me despite my mental illness. I'm diagnosed bipolar1, and that's tough. Tough for me, tough for her. Especially now, when dealing with the infidelity thing.

Why don't you start your own thread, tell your story?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> I joined once a while ago, explained my story and everyone threw rocks at me. I contemplated doing something very bad to myself. So, I locked myself out of my account and now I have this account. I had a really bad night so I decided to join again just to get my mind out of the real world.


Glad you're back. The more you share, the more it might be helpful to others. But share your "real world". 

Sounds like you are struggling with at least depression, so you're on a good thread.

Sorry you're having a rough time. They do throw rocks here...


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> I joined once a while ago, explained my story and everyone threw rocks at me. I contemplated doing something very bad to myself. So, I locked myself out of my account and now I have this account. I had a really bad night so I decided to join again just to get my mind out of the real world.


People without the mental baggage don't tend to get ho weird it can make you act. Hell so far diagnosis, I am just depressed and anxious but I know I have abandonment and trust issues and an unhealthy obsession with sex as a means of affection (not just normal I am man, me love you, now give me sex either).

I say tell it true. I have tried to not treat my mental state as an excuse for what I have done, just an explanation. I have done some ****ty things to my wife but I have had nothing but support here and the stones have been aimed at knocking some sense into me rather than damaging, though i may just be lucky so far!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Not having read the replies...

I live with a chronically depressed person. Honestly, he's not any fun to be around 99% of the time. I crack jokes - he doesn't even flinch. I try to engage in a deeper than "what am I making us for dinner tonight?" conversation. Bland. Same old "one word" and "standby" answers, day after day, week after week, month after month. No enthusiasm, no joy, no positivity. No surprises, no smiles, no hugs, no compliments or praise, and certainly not much sex. He's much too wrapped up in himself to realize that I EXIST TOO.

"Fun" things to do don't appeal to him, so we don't do anything together. He makes even running errands together a nightmare. (He'll criticize my driving, procrastinate what needs to be done until the last possible minute, constantly trying to pick a fight so we'll just go home), he absolutely does NOT ever consider ONCE how I feel or what MY needs are; it's ALL about HIM.

He is contemptuous, argumentative, unmotivated, unaffectionate, indifferent and vapid.

I can honestly see why someone would want to move on from a depressed person. We all experience it to one degree or another at times - but being chronically miserable, or just lacking the engagement with day-to-day life is DRAINING and it's CONTAGEOUS.

I know depression is VALID, and I've been there several times in my life. I know it can be "organic" in nature and I know there can be treatment with meds and there are people who it helps them to not feel so depressed. Even though the meds take away so much more than they seem to help (I've been on both sides of the fence here). Finding the right thing can also be a nightmare.

Short answer: living with someone who is chronically depressed is DEPRESSING. It sucks. You feel invisible and irrelevant, especially when they see nothing "good" about their life... And you're a huge part of it. When you try to "help" that person you are even that much more hopeless when they refuse to take action.

Not saying all situations are like mine, but I should note, that despite the way I feel... I want to be there for my husband and love and support him through the tough times. I just wish he could do the same for me. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Thanks for your reply YinPrincess.

I think you have it spot on. She was there for me for a long time and I think it is my reliance on her being there rather than seeking help that got too much for her in the end. Part of the reason I think there is still hope for us is that, now I'm tentatively coming out of my D (hopefully not just temp) I totally think I have made her become depressed. Your comment supports that thought and i can see how it would have that effect. I have been zero fun to be around and in fact have made some terrible decisions for my family and wife's health because I have been too busy thinking "woe is me".

The fact she see's no hope at all for us is contradictory to her normal nature, she is usually a fighter and incredibly loyal etc. Maybe if I sort myself out without leaning on her she will come out of her own funk and see some hope. Until then I have to bite my tongue and not push anything at all. 

Simply because as of now things are over. I need to change and need to hope she reverts to her normal self whilst being able to forgive me. Part one I control, part two I have no doubt she will achieve, too much damage may have been done for part three though and that will be to my eternal regret if so.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I know how horrible depression can be - I've been through it myself, especially when I was younger - and I know how much the "get over it" comments hurt and invalidated me and the pain I felt. Maybe that's why I try even harder to comfort my husband (who IS on meds right now), however, I'm realizing it's essentially futile. The constant blame on me for HIS FEELINGS has made me so angry and resentful. There's nothing like asking him, "What's wrong?" Only to have him lash out at me, "It's you! You're my problem! Get off my ass!" (And this is after asking one, itty bitty question. He's triggered and it's "my" fault. There's nothing like being told he has "nothing to look forward to" and it's all my fault.

Sooner or later, they push you and your good intentions away. You start walking on eggshells. You're afraid to ask the simplest thing or make a suggestion. You start becoming depressed as well. You start thinking about a different life - one without your miserable spouse... After all you could be doing him a favor since you make his life so awful. You start remembering what is was like to be in the company of others who care about you and are happy to see you. You start planning your exit because you've realized that you've done all you can... But you can't make someone see the "cup is half full".

OP, I imagine your wife is just a little beyond where I am now... And once you get to that point I'm not sure what the prognosis can be. It depends on how much damage has gone on, and for how long. Somewhere, very close by, is the point of no return.

I truly wish the best for the both of you. Give meds a chance, you might find some help and others are useless... But keep trying. It's no kind of life being depressed all the time and you owe it to yourself to find something that helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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