# Acceptance and forgiveness



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

These two issues/stages have been weighing on my mind recently. I know acceptance is the final stage of the grieving process and forgiveness will eventually come. 

I wanted to know how all of you were handling these. 

Have you accepted that your marriage is over and your partner is gone?

How can you forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply?

How do you move forward?

I would love to hear everyone's comments.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm not fully in the acceptance stage but I am getting my feet wet.
I think once we begin to heal fully, the forgiveness will come. Why? Because we forgive for ourselves, not for the one who caused the pain. Eventually, we will let go and allow ourselves to move on.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I too am coping with an impending divorce after a 16 year partnership. Providing we don't allow ourselves to wallow in self pity or depression I think it is a process we must allow ourselves to go through. I'm just glad I'm coping without booze, drugs or one nighters. My therapist said it is like the death process of grieving. Because in actuality it is the death of a relationship. My ex had an EA with a co-worker and left me for her. I am still very angry with him and her. The fact he changed so drastically into someone I didn't even know. And her for having no morals or character. They are a match made in hell. Hope they're miserable. But...eventually once I'm in a better place I won't care. Take care of yourself. Remember people will come and go in your lifetime but you need to be good to yourself.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I struggle mightily with this one. I'd gotten to a stage where i was getting distance and pursing my own life, and then starting hanging out with exWW and got pulled back in emotionally. Then she got diagnosed with cancer (we think it will be okay), and so now I'm even more torn. I feel like I need to support her, but I'm very cautious about trusting her as she's violated my trust too many times to mention.

I'm at a point of forgiveness for most of what happened, because I can see she is in emotional pain and it's not worth holding on to it. Accepting the pending divorce is another matter. Plus we're in a perpetual limbo.

Sorry, I'm hijacking this. I don't know how people cut the cord and move on so cleanly. Maybe they don't have kids. Maybe they are stronger than I am.


----------



## Missy38 (Nov 7, 2009)

I am still having trouble understanding everything that is going on. I cry almost every day I still do not know how to handle all this. I just want all the hurt to go away. I have only been divorce sent October. The only time I feel good is at work where I am putting happy faces on the residents face and give a hug when they ask for it.
I just wish I can have my family back but I know that is not going to happen. I am not handle this very well at all.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

We just do our best and knowing that as we move forward and don't dwell that things WILL get better.

It takes so much time and patience.

I think acceptance is a part of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is releasing the anger/resentment/etc that we have and allowing it to just "be." The other person doesn't have to ask for it...we give it. 

Sometimes, it's easier to forgive when you see there side of the coin. Not easy. Forgiving someone because they grew up in a damaged household. Forgiving someone because they don't have the skills necessary. Forgiving someone because they were weak and didn't have the guts to say "no." Whatever the reason or excuse (as many would call it)...it's part of their weakness. 

It's easier to move on when you forgive. You can even "fake" forgive by saying the words. Eventually, one day, you may even mean them. What's the point? It's like "fake it till you make it." Sometimes you have to fake it for years!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Some wonderful thoughts here mls - thanks for starting this post....nothing to add at present...except go team!


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I have come to accept that yes, my marriage is over. Even if my H came back to me today, I don't think I could take him back. There's been too much damage done. 

Since I have basically accepted that this is happening, I've been telling more people about my situation. Before I was ashamed and felt like a failure. I didn't want anyone to know. 

As for the forgiveness? Wow. That's a big hurdle to jump. 

I think I can forgive my H for having doubts about our relationship and being scared about those doubts. However, I CANNOT forgive him for not trying to fix those doubts. At least not yet.

I keep coming back to the fact that maybe he didn't love me as much as I thought since he was so quick to walk away.


----------



## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

mls31 said:


> .
> As for the forgiveness? Wow. That's a big hurdle to jump.
> 
> I think I can forgive my H for having doubts about our relationship and being scared about those doubts. However, I CANNOT forgive him for not trying to fix those doubts. At least not yet.
> ...


This is pretty much the same thing I keep thinking. Although it may be a necessary step, I think forgiveness is probably the hardest. 
I look forward to the day I achieve that... 7 or 8 years from now...


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I met a guy through my work who is also going through a divorce. His wife left him a year ago on Halloween. He has been in a custody battle since then and doesn't anticipate it ending until Jan. 2010. Yikes!

He said his life is still not normal and believes it will take a little longer before he gets to that point. They were married 6 years.

I don't know if I can take a year and a half of this!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

mls31, it isn't a matter of if you can take it, you will. In the end you will be stronger. It is hard, no doubt, I'm there too. But there is no escape from it if you are a decent person. For some self centered people I imagine it is easy. But then did they ever love their spouse to begin with. I just can't imagine it being easy - it would mean it wasn't real for me.

It sucks, but it is what it is.


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My wife of 22 years and I have accepted (for the most part), that the marriage is over, after a 18 month separation. She ultimately filed for the divorce. There were/are so many unresolved issues and plenty of anger/resentment from each of us.

However, we both reluctantly agreed to go through some counseling with our pastor (during this divorce). He discussed forgiveness, among other things. Even though we can forgive each other, we still have a choice of whether or not to try and make it work OR end the marriage and move on...but be friends, for our sakes and our kids.

Because of the damage done and unresolved issues, we will NOT be getting back together, because our marriage is over. However, we will both attend our kids events and even the same church at times.

If we don't forgive, the anger and resentment harbored will eat us up and harm us more than the other person (that wronged us). Many times we must forgive for ourselves and our own health and sanity.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

After seeing my H today, I guess I haven't totally accepted that the marriage is over. There is still a small part of me that hopes, wishes and prays that he'll call me and tell me he wants back in and that it'll be my old H who calls me. 

I had said earlier that if my H were to decide to make our marriage work, I wouldn't take him back. After today, I'm not so sure. I can't just up and leave him (like he's done to me). 

There are still so many emotions I have. Hope, care, friendship (even though I don't consider him a friend), and love. Yes, I still love him. And yet there's been so many hurtful words and actions. 

Maybe I'm just a fool.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

We are all fools mls....it's easy to have the spark of hope flare up into a bonfire. It doesn't take much.

Eventually, I had to knock off the hope as it was killing me.

I kept looking for "signs."

I found them. They are STILL here but I can't wait for HIM to come to a conclusion.


----------



## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

At this point I don't feel that I will ever accept that my marriage is over. Even my w telling me that she is moving forward with divorce doesn't convince me.....I guess I just cling to anything that gives me hope.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

my head accepts that my marriage is a thing of the past. but can I share something scary with everyone? I will be at work and talking, enagaging working and then I will walk outside and it is like instant panic - I feel as though I still suffer the actual trauma of the break up - I relive it - it is disbelief utter disbelief - and it hits me in the chest..


----------



## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

I haven't gotten to acceptance yet, (I'm still fighting) but I know that sensation. It's like suddenly your chest is too small, your throat locks and you can't think straight. Breathing gets hard for a few seconds, and you just want to collapse onto the ground in a ball.
Gets me every few days, usually after I've been in a good mood for a while, before everything comes flooding back. Hit me really hard the other day when I signed a lease for an apartment by myself for the first time in 10 years.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

knortoh said:


> my head accepts that my marriage is a thing of the past. but can I share something scary with everyone? I will be at work and talking, enagaging working and then I will walk outside and it is like instant panic - I feel as though I still suffer the actual trauma of the break up - I relive it - it is disbelief utter disbelief - and it hits me in the chest..



I experience the same thing, K. And the book I am reading, The _Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life_ -Susan Anderson refers to abandonment trauma as it's similar to PTSD.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

W That's interesting - my counsellor has been giving me a few of the PTSD techniques to try and deal with things - these include stuff like allowing yourself certain times of the day when you are allowed to think about 'it' and having long to do lists for all the other times - maybe that is a reason why the forum works well for us - it is a bit like a specific time when we are allowed to think about this stuff.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.

There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic. 


I copied this out of a website just to remind us all that we need to go through ALL of the steps in order to heal. As for me I think right now..well in fact I know, that I am still stuck in the anger phase and depression. Some days I miss him so much it hurts to breathe, other days I hate him so much I wish he was next to me so I could punch him repeatedly in the face...as it says I guess its a process.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes Ash those are the steps. I remember reading the book a long time ago written by the woman who figured it out regarding dying. How it is a process that the dying go through as well. That is who she studied. But it does apply to any loss.

Thanks for the reminder.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was the person that studied death and dying...it's a fascinating read (Death and Dying).

It's a part of life...but seeing the death of my marriage is too soon for me. I guess that how it is in life-the time tables aren't ours to keep.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

After packing some of my stuff today and meeting with my lawyer, I'm not sure I ever want to get married again. 

How do you know if the person you picked to spend the rest of your life with won't decide to throw in the towel and call it quits? I thought I picked my H wisely. I guess not. 

These last 3 months have been hell. Why would I want to gamble on a marriage that may have the same results? Is that messed up thinking?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know what you mean MLS. I see these commercials regarding rings and talking "forever." I am like "right buddy!" Is it possible that I find someone that will spend the next 25+ years with me or has my luck run it's course?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Absolutley - how do you go looking for a life-long partner when the one you had is still around ? Just don't think I am ever gonna see relationships in the same way again...not sure what I would want - but it feels as though I would be betraying the marriage that I have had to embark on another....


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The nurse at work divorced when she was in her mid 20's. She had 3 kids and supported herself. Her daughter got in a horrible car accident and is in a persistant vegetative state...at home! Her D has been with her for the past 12 years. She works and has a nurses aid takes care of her. She remarried for the first time 3 years ago....she is almost 60. Her husband....43! I thought that woman deserves a good time..if anybody. It gave me hope.

We just have to let things take it's course...life will happen regardless. Accepting that we can be happy without our spouses. We are strong and have something to offer the world. Good things happen to people like us...sometimes it takes a little time.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Wow. That's quite a story, CW.

I will say that this experience has totally opened up my eyes as to what a relationship and marriage should be.

I think I was a bit blind going into my marriage. I had dated a few guys prior to my H but I never had a serious or even non-serious relationship. I think I was so jazzed over having someone like me I ignored a lot of bad things.

I don't even think I understood the message and bible verses read by the priest during our wedding.

I do now!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - I am so glad to hear of the open way that you are seeing this crisis in your life as not only a chance to reflect - but also to learn...if you get round to saying that stuff again it' s gonna make a whole lot of difference!


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I've seen it mentioned several times that it is therapeutic to write a forgiveness or anger letter to your spouse. This is supposed to help you move forward.

Have any of you tried this?

I'm afraid my letter would consist of "I hate you for not trying" over and over.


----------



## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

I've written several, but not to send. Just to think things through. Write them, re-read them, then trash them.
I have sent one that I wrote, still waiting on word as to how that was received. I'll let you know.

They all helped clear my head though! So I say go for it.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Well Mls and endymion that is what I am currently thinking of doing. I'm just wondering if it will benefit me. And I understand what your saying mls...my letter is quite angry but also desperate sounding. I posted my letter to my thread and got some feedback. I'm going to edit it and post it again later. You should do the same.


----------



## Outofluck09 (Nov 21, 2009)

I hear you. I am two weeks into it after I found out my wife wanted a separation. Moving out and still in shock. Not sure when I will ever accept the fact that it is real. I guess when she files the papers. Happened out of the blue, like flipping a switch. Hurts real bad...I can relate to you. Hang in there and good luck.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I still haven't written my anger or forgiveness letter. I am so tired of wasting my brain power on my H. Yet, I do feel like these letters could help. 

Lately, I've had a lot of anger... A LOT! I'm angry over the fact that my H inconvenienced my entire family to take a day out of their busy schedules to help me move. 

This has been the most painful time of my life. I hope my H understands this.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Question: do any of you ever think that you'll get to a point where you can talk to your spouses and discuss the good times?

I had this thought today. At the moment I want nothing to do with my H. I told him numerous times I don't want to be his friend anymore. However, I shared a large chunk of my early adulthood with him. He's seen me turn 21, graduate a semester early from college, find my first job, etc. We've shared a great deal of time together and a lot of milestones. 

How do I move on without him? Will we eventually find peace and friendship? It's crazy to think that the person I shared the last 7 years with will no longer be in my life.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It is crazy. I've shared many momentous times as well.

I don't know how to move on. I guess we are slowly. 

We will find everything that we need. I truly believe that...if we are good people, honest, and loyal. It will come in time.


----------



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Knortoh that is the exact same thing with me, the way you explained it, I could not do it better. The sudden panick etc.
Reading this thread in a strange way makes me feel a little better, Everyones opinions are so real to me, It is like I am reading about myself.
I hope we all come out of this great, as I am sure we will, we just need to wait for that time to come. I hope it comes quickly.


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

It fully hit me today how long of a recovery process this will be. 

Even if I do move on and find someone new there will probably still be moments of hurt and pain. 

I can only imagine the hurt and pain I'll feel when I find out my H is dating, when (if) he gets married again, when (if) he has his first child. 

Will I always feel as though he's supposed to be sharing those milestones with me? 

Just putting this in writing brings me much sadness.


----------

