# husband cheating after 7 years of separation



## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

*Husband cheated while separated*

Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with ME. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But as my son was getting confused with this arrangement, I stopped him from seeing son on weekends too. This was in 2013. I hoped that he would miss us and moved back to us and set up a home but he didnt. He begged me to come and stay with his parents home. One day I threatened him to give divorce and he came to me running to my home and stayed for 1.6 years. 

Unfortunately, his dad expired so he left to his parents home again to be with his mom. He started again to beg me to return home but I never did as he was living on his mom's money and earned little and wasted all money he earned and never spent on me or my kid. But he still wanted me to stay and would daily beg me. I trusted that he loves me but unable to set up a home because he was incapable of earning money. I have not met him for the past 1.6 years though we talk on whats app and update about son. But I wont let him meet my son because my son is getting confused with a weeked dad.

Suddenly last month, I came to know that my husband was in a full-fledged affair for the past 5 years - even while he was begging me to come and live with him! WOW! When I confronted him through messages and calls. He denied it first and then bluffed that it was phone sex and then said it was just one year old affair. But from what I read and pics I saw, it was a very long and deep affair and he said they broke up months ago. I dont believe any of these stories and as I dont stay with him anyway, I have no chance to spy on him remotely. Im totally shocked that he cheated on me while begging me to come back to him. While I was waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me, he was busy doing all these. I asked for a divorce but he flatly denied giving one and begged for forgiveness. But I dont know how we can try to reconcile when we both dont even live together.

Its impossible for me to leave my old parents and go and stay with him in his house with him and his mom that too after leaving his home for 7 years and after this affair. My parents and family are very angry with the affair and wanted to disclose this to his mom but she is too old to bear this at this age.
He is not even ready to completely come clean with the affair or attend counselling. Im sure in counselling they would ask us to stay together but we cant as he cant leave is very old mom alone and stay with me and I cant leave my own parents and live with him.
He still not ready to divorce me because people will frown upon him as everyone thinks he is a perfect gentleman.
What should I do now? How to trust him staying separately? Is it even worth it?


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Oh my goodness. No he's not worth it. Let the other woman have him. He can look after himself. The other woman so wants to hang his balls out to dry anyway.

Keep looking after you and your son and divorce the loser then go off and marry someone who's 10 times the man he is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No, he is not worth it. Go ahead and get a unilateral divorce, you do not need his permission. Why do you want a husband who put his parents first, rather than his wife and child, doesn't earn a living and sponges of his mother. You are well rid of him.
Do you know who the OW is? Is she married? If so expose this affair to all who will listen. He is probably leading on the OW too, perhaps he has told her you are separated and not together anymore.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

prettydaisy09 said:


> Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with ME. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But as my son was getting confused with this arrangement, I stopped him from seeing son on weekends too. This was in 2013. I hoped that he would miss us and moved back to us and set up a home but he didnt. He begged me to come and stay with his parents home. One day I threatened him to give divorce and he came to me running to my home and stayed for 1.6 years.
> 
> Unfortunately, his dad expired so he left to his parents home again to be with his mom. He started again to beg me to return home but I never did as he was living on his mom's money and earned little and wasted all money he earned and never spent on me or my kid. But he still wanted me to stay and would daily beg me. I trusted that he loves me but unable to set up a home because he was incapable of earning money. I have not met him for the past 1.6 years though we talk on whats app and update about son. But I wont let him meet my son because my son is getting confused with a weeked dad.
> Suddenly last month, I came to know that my husband was in a full-fledged affair for the past 5 years - even while he was begging me to come and live with him! WOW! When I confronted him through messages and calls. He denied it first and then bluffed that it was phone sex and then said it was just one year old affair. But from what I read and pics I saw, it was a very long and deep affair and he said they broke up months ago. I dont believe any of these stories and as I dont stay with him anyway, I have no chance to spy on him remotely. Im totally shocked that he cheated on me while begging me to come back to him. While I was waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me, he was busy doing all these. I asked for a divorce but he flatly denied giving one and begged for forgiveness. But I dont know how we can try to reconcile when we both dont even live together.
> ...


He was not the only one on denial. It's a profoundly rare marriage that can survive 7 years separation, seems like yours didn't. Divorce him and star to live your life already. Not sure what you are trying to hold onto anyway.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

Yes, I do want to. But he is not willing to give me a mutual consent divorce which is easier in our country and I can get a divorce within 6 months.
But he is not willing as he fears his reputation as divorced people are looked down upon here ( yes, he never thought the same about affairs that way)
So my only option is to file for a contested divorce which would take 5 years to come through and I have to really struggle and make my son suffer while going to courts etc etc
Moreover, i dont have enough proofs to show his adultery in court. I do have emails exchanges but they are cleverly written using pseudo names and even the pictures I could get hold of are not very clear. 
One of our common friends mailed me these and sent they also sent me some screenshots of the mail exchanges (only inbox view) where i could see the subject lines and timelines and conclude that they had a fullfledged affair.. 
I wasn't sent the inside of the pictures but from the subject line I saw that they saved all anniversary pics, their holiday pics etc.
So its very difficult to get a divorce unless he accepts for a mututal consent.
He is ot even completely confessing to the affair and is still lying.
I didnot even meet him as he would emotionally convince me to give up taking divorce.
He never made any plans of meeting me since the affair came out as he is scared of my parents.
Its been 3 weeks now and Im suffering day and night , not knowing what to do.
How to convince him of getting a Mutual Consent Divorce..
How I can know if he still in touch with the OW? He says they broke up but im not sure.
I cant spy on him sitting far away from him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Moderator i would suggest you look at this post and recent posts from another poster, they seem to be opposite sides of the same story.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

aine said:


> No, he is not worth it. Go ahead and get a unilateral divorce, you do not need his permission. Why do you want a husband who put his parents first, rather than his wife and child, doesn't earn a living and sponges of his mother. You are well rid of him.
> Do you know who the OW is? Is she married? If so expose this affair to all who will listen. He is probably leading on the OW too, perhaps he has told her you are separated and not together anymore.


No, he said the OW doesnt stay in the same city. But alter admitted that she stays. 
Later he said he doesnt have her number as she changed hers. He even tried to bluff that the affair was only a year long while the mail exchanges clearly showed otherwise. In one of the emails he described their sexual act so wildly, i cant and not able to get over the mental images.
Still, he doesnt want a divorce, he is not ready to discuss. He says he loves our son a lot and is mad at me not showing him to him.
Yes I didnot as I feared that my son would get confused with a weekend dad.
We even went on a holiday 2 years ago as my son was crying for dad's company. I expected him to return to me and son after the trip but he didnot saying he needs to take care of his mother
I have very old parents too so I cant move to his house after 7 years of staying apart.
I havent met him since the holiday trip though we stay 10km away from each other.
I keep remembering how he used to beg me for all these years to come back, went on a holiday too - all this while having an affair!
How can I even think of reconciling when I didnt even meet him since affair? He is now giving me a silent treatment.
So divorce is the only solution but he is not ready to give it too. So may be I should finally choose to fight for a contested divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

prettydaisy09 said:


> No, he said the OW doesnt stay in the same city. But alter admitted that she stays.
> Later he said he doesnt have her number as she changed hers. He even tried to bluff that the affair was only a year long while the mail exchanges clearly showed otherwise. In one of the emails he described their sexual act so wildly, i cant and not able to get over the mental images.
> Still, he doesnt want a divorce, he is not ready to discuss. He says he loves our son a lot and is mad at me not showing him to him.
> Yes I didnot as I feared that my son would get confused with a weekend dad.
> ...


Sounds like a good plan. Don't you want to be in a marriage where you actually live with the person? Why are you settling for so little?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

What is the point of this 7 years separation? Is it only because you were unable to get a divorce in your country because of the family laws? 

After all, as @sokillme says, there are not many marriages which can survive 7 years of separation. And this is a VOLUNTARY separation, over the state of your relationship, as opposed to someone who gets deployed in the military for an extended period, or leaves as a migrant for work. Really, it seems like you were divorced in all but name.

On the one hand, it is very wrong of him to have an affair, and I am going to put that up front. But in your special circumstance, if you haven't seen him for 1.6 years, and barely at all for the 7 years of separation, is there really a relationship here for him to betray? I almost think it's kind of like the Warren Buffett situation where he stayed married to his wife Susan after she moved out in the 1980s, and openly lived with his mistress/friend Astrid Minks Warren Buffett breaks down in tears at mention of his first wife | Daily Mail Online. Buffett's wife was OK with the situation, and you're not, although if you don't care enough about him to see him for 1.6 years, and barely at all for the last 7 years, I have to ask----why do you even care? Really, it seems like the marriage is over except for the paperwork, so why do you even care if he moves on? Why don't you move on yourself? 

Finally, despite your rationalization, I think it is very cruel of you to deny your son contact with his father. This "confused by a weekend father" is, in my opinion, BS. Do you think he is less confused by NO father at all? At least if he saw his father on weekends, he would be less likely to feel the feelings rejection he is at risk of experiencing. And if he ever learns that you denied him contact with his father, he may well become very angry with YOU. I think you are so focused on your own perspective, that you are unable to view this objectively. I don't know what the custody/visitation laws are in your country, but if you ever DID get the divorce you say you want, then in most Western countries his father would at least be granted the very "weekend father" custody that you think is "confusing".


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree it's important for a boy to have his father in his life but in this case it doesn't sound to me as though he fought very hard for him. And yes she may have a difficult time with her son purely on the basis of being of opposite genders. Then again she may have instilled in her son some good values and morals that will stand him in good stead as an adult. Here's hoping.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

CmonDionne said:


> I agree it's important for a boy to have his father in his life but in this case it doesn't sound to me as though he fought very hard for him. And yes she may have a difficult time with her son purely on the basis of being of opposite genders. Then again she may have instilled in her son some good values and morals that will stand him in good stead as an adult. Here's hoping.


Why should he have to fight? 


Regardless of the degree of resistance he put up (and since I don't even know what country she lives in, I'm not sure how much legal ability she has to "deny" her husband from seeing their son), it's STILL cruel to even interfere with their relationship. Saying you "hope" the son will have good values and morals doesn't make it any less cruel.


I stand by my statement.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

As do I (nice smiley)


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

Thanks all for your responses.
The fact is my husband never fought for the visitation of his son. He could have got through court but he only tried/hoped that one day I would return to him.
The reason is - he is a very happy-go-lucky man, a professional yet lazy to earn enough and work hard and own a home.
I had to threaten him with a divorce in 2014 when he came running to my parents house and stayed with my son for 1.5 years. He would have stayed back, may be, but his dad died and he had to go and take care of his disabled mom. 
His parents are rich and so he was pampered and led a lavish life.
But he never had affairs when I still stayed in his home.
But I couldnt handle his carefree nature, sports addiction and not being ambitious.
So one day I just walked out and nevr returned.
He loves his son a lot but what is the use of love when there is no responsibility? What would my son learns from him? That it is OK to tolerate an irresponsible man?
Initially I did allow his weekend visits but never allowed the kid to go to my in-laws house. So he never bonded with the other set of grandparents at all.
Still, I couldnt make my husband to change his attitude and **** to a house of his own.
Then I gave up..
I still went with him on a holiday since my son wanted it, cried for his dad's company. But HE DIDNOT SPEND A PENNY ON THE TRIP AND I SPONSORED THE WHOLE TRIP. He just came along to play with my son.
It didnot bother me much as I was earning enough and my son was happy.
Sadly, even after coming back from the trip, his attitude didnot change and he only kept begging me to return home. There is no way Im going back to his house.
HE has to come and live with me to which also he agreed.
He shamelessly wished me on every anniversary, every birthday, made plans for dinners and all but I never went.
In spite of all this, he never changed his mind or wanted me or my son so badly that he left everything and came to live with us.
So while does love his son, he never put in efforts except for that 1.5 years in 2014.
Even during that period, this man lived wiht my parents but made no plans of taking a new home.
He is THAT irresposnbile. he bought expensive gifts to my son, and my son is crazy about his dad, he cried almost daily for him and ask me WHY CANT HIS DAD STAY WITH HIM LIKE ALL HIS FRIEND'S DADS?
I trusted that this man would be loyal to me but he enjoyed his life with another married woman for so many years and now not even confessing completely so that I can ask for mutual consent divorce.
He is avoiding discussions. 
I want to appoint a detective and find out if he is really in contact with the OW still so that I can catch him red-handed and gather more evidence for the divorce.
Please note that I did ask him for a divorce years ago and even in between but he was dead against it( social pressure) and so as I still cared for him, I let me stay in marriage ( he can flaunt his ring and my DP in his FB) but interact with him only when I need something and vice-versa.
I was OK with this arrangement too. But cheating on me? No way Im going to tolerate this. But due to his non cooperation, its is becoming difficult for me make him confess.
I dont know if reconciliation is even possible as we can never live together in the same house ever. At least not until we become parentless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

prettydaisy09 said:


> No, he said the OW doesnt stay in the same city. But alter admitted that she stays. Never believe a cheater, his words mean nothing, assume it is all lies
> Later he said he doesnt have her number as she changed hers. He even tried to bluff that the affair was only a year long while the mail exchanges clearly showed otherwise. In one of the emails he described their sexual act so wildly, i cant and not able to get over the mental images. He is a low down lying cheat, nothing more or nothing less, sorry you had to see those, but no man can stay away from his wife for so long without being tempted, that is the bottom line, so though what he did is wrong, your continued separation contributed to this, you must realise this?
> 
> Still, he doesnt want a divorce, he is not ready to discuss. Of course he does not, due to the culture, the society and his grip on you via your son. It sounds like he is a bit of a layabout, does he earn an income? You sound financially self sufficient? He wants the staus quo cause he still looks like a family man but has a piece on the side too, win win for him.He says he loves our son a lot and is mad at me not showing him to him.
> ...


He will not contest the divorce if you have evidence. HIre a PI (there are many in your country) and ask them to get pics, evidence, etc. Otherwise contact the OW to get the evidence, I assume you know who she is? it is unfair on you , your son and his father to continue this charade of a marriage. Divorce


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

aine said:


> He will not contest the divorce if you have evidence. HIre a PI (there are many in your country) and ask them to get pics, evidence, etc. Otherwise contact the OW to get the evidence, I assume you know who she is? it is unfair on you , your son and his father to continue this charade of a marriage. Divorce


Unfortunately my evidences are 

only two mail exchanges written to each other with a pseudo name
They smartly created an account where they exchanged mails only through that account. No names mentioned .
Also these mails were sent to me by common friend (unknown id) and they seems to have got hold of their common account and instead of forwarding me, they copy pasted mails to my mail. So my clever husband never claims that common friend must have edited the mail content.
But im 200% sure, from the style of the writing, its my husband who wrote the mail. It was so disgusting to read it.
And just know the first name of the OW. In spite of threatening him, my husband refused to tell the full name and gave me a wrong number and said ' she must have changed the no'.
Surprisingly, he refuses to even admit to the 5 year old relationship !!! Thats shocking! Luckily I have a picture of him and her kissing ( they went to Milan in June) but my so-called well-wisher( common friend) blurred her face which makes me wonder if she herself has sent these mails.
Im not sure if a picture of my hubby ( face clear) kissing another woman ( face blurred) is enough proof . but I do have it.
I even told him that a private investigator would be behind him 24X7 and observe where and with whom he is going. I did that to stop him first still going out with her.
I am now sure that they both would not meet in person but may be I also ruined my chances of getting them caught red-handed.
During my initial outbursts, I even said that I would divorce him , talk to that woman and get them both married. And he cried and said that he loved only me. WoW! Simply amazing !


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Why should he have to fight?
> 
> 
> Regardless of the degree of resistance he put up (and since I don't even know what country she lives in, I'm not sure how much legal ability she has to "deny" her husband from seeing their son), it's STILL cruel to even interfere with their relationship. Saying you "hope" the son will have good values and morals doesn't make it any less cruel.
> ...


He should fight if he cared for his son.
he could have gone to the court and got custody of his son without giving me a divorce.
But he knew that, once he did something like that, I would never come back to his home and he didnot want to take that risk.
Moreover, he did not want to spend money, effort on going to courts and 'wasting time' to get the custody of his son.
He should have accepted for a mutual consent divorce but he is shyt scared of the word divorce as he maintains a great name among his friends and extended family. 
Just 'loving' the son, playing with him is not enough. And he should also know that the son comes with wife and responsibility . If you cant manage, the divorce ! He didn't let me, I accept I have been weak, my parents were worried of their own reputation etc etc.
An irresponsible dad is a liability and my son will learn to be like him. I would be left with an irresponsible son too!!!!!!!!
If I were a man and if my wife stopped me from interacting with my son, I would have bent backwards to get him back in my life.
If my wife didnt let me see him at her place, I would have gone to his school, met him at the bus stop, done SOMETHING to gain my wife's confidence. Because my son loves me!!!!
Sad, my husband did love my son but at his own convenience. He is so spoilt and pampered by his parents. He does things not moving out from his comfort zone. What good parent could have he become?
I dont regret him not able to meet his son.
Sadly, I was carried away by his charm, his looks, his sense of humor when I married him. My biggest mistake of life.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like a good plan. Don't you want to be in a marriage where you actually live with the person? Why are you settling for so little?


Sorry but I cant live with an irresponsible man, who is unambitious, lazy, with a carefree attitude, little earnings, no savings, hates hardwork, loves to freak out with friends 24X7, owns no house, lacks empathy, and now HAVING AN AFFAIR for 5 years while trying to trap me into returning to him!

I started to wonder had I really fallen into his trap and went to stay with him how would he have had managed the affair? Would he have smsed the OW saying 'its over because my wife came back after 7 years of begging'? from the mails they exchanged I got that the OW has been a fool, weak woman who actually trusted my husband way too much. I dont care for her but I cant even imagine my husband dumping her once I came back. 
So whom does he actually love? Whom did he actually cheat on? Such a worthless piece


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

aine said:


> He will not contest the divorce if you have evidence. HIre a PI (there are many in your country) and ask them to get pics, evidence, etc. Otherwise contact the OW to get the evidence, I assume you know who she is? it is unfair on you , your son and his father to continue this charade of a marriage. Divorce


I agree with all your points. May be I waited for him to come back to me someday.
But if I were such a bad wife, he should have agreed to give me divorce.
Its WRONG to stay in marriage and cheat on your wife. There is no excuse for it. If he was so tempted to have sex outside marriage he should have divorced me first irrespective of how bad a wife I am.
He did not and did not let me do it and parents too emotionally blackmailed me not to go in for a divorce.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

prettydaisy09 said:


> How do I keep track if he is still in touch with the OW?
> Is it even worth it?


You've wasted SO much time on this complete *loser*. 

I guess he just expects his aged mommy to support his lazy ass until she dies? Who'll support this man-child when she's gone? Her estate? Another aged relative? And because he's too lazy to get out and be a productive human being and earn a living, I guess that means he thinks it's just fine to burden you with 100% of the financial support for your son. That's just such a scumbag way to behave.

He's a complete and utter* failure* as a man, as a husband and as a father, and I don't even need to go into the cheating part of things because he's a big enough loser without even adding that to the pile. 

Why you didn't start the 5 year process of divorcing this utter PIECE OF **** years ago is simply beyond me.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

OMG. Divorce this loser. Find yourself a caring and loving husband.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You've wasted SO much time on this complete *loser*.
> 
> I guess he just expects his aged mommy to support his lazy ass until she dies? Who'll support this man-child when she's gone? Her estate? Another aged relative? And because he's too lazy to get out and be a productive human being and earn a living, I guess that means he thinks it's just fine to burden you with 100% of the financial support for your son. That's just such a scumbag way to behave.
> 
> ...


He does earn but not much. He is a qualified physiotherapist but has no interest in developing new skills or growing in his profession.
The house is run by his mom's money. He doesn't contribute to it. With his earnings, he spends lavishly on his clothes, spas, sports stuff , extremely expensive and unnecessary gadgets. In fact he owns some 600 shirts and highly expensive gadgets and what not! He spends all his money on these stuff. May he would have contributed to my son's school fee and other things but by the time my son came to class 1, I moved out of the house. I never wanted to take his money as I was earning well, I didnot want him to accompany me to PTA or did I ever tell him about my health issues. I only wanted him to be a responsible husband, come out of mom's house and live independently. But he wants to stay in my parents home and I was almost ready to take him back till last month when the affair came out! He said last month that he would change himself completely and work on this marriage. 

But His lifestyle didn't change at all, he has zero savings and has only a car and his clinic to call his own. He sits there the whole day and hardly any patients come and he keeps spending time wasting away with his useless friends, watching porn and this woman!!!!!!!!!!

Our mutual friends are asking me to reconcile with him, forgive him and start everything afresh. Do you all really think that we both can reconcile and I should now start letting him visit our son? How do I reconcile with him? He is not even ready to discuss and being honest about the affair details. How can I trust him and move back to his house? Will that work now after years of separation and after his affair? He will be ready to take me back anytime but I am not ready to get hurt again . If not divorce what is the other option??


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Six months, five years....

Start the divorce process. The clock is ticking.

The fact that you are not 'officially' divorced is not so important.

What 'is' important is the fact that he is out of your life.

Keep him away from you. 

Rebuild your life. All is not lost.

Life is only more complicated. Nothing more.

Worry not.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You both have issues, IMO. You abandoned him, and later denied him access to his son. He's a momma's boy who didn't stand up for his rights to see his son, and a weak guy who can't get off the fence about divorcing you. I do think you need to file for divorce, and get this over with, though. It's really no surprise if he cheated - if you were separated because you abandoned him, I don't have a lot of sympathy. You're both manipulative and vengeful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you need more evidence of his cheating, I think there is a way to get it. Ask his affair partner. She might very well just give it all to you. She posts here on TAM. Here is her thread. Just ask her for the evidence.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/428765-please-help-me-dont-judge-me.html

Get the evidence and then tell him he can decide what type of divorce he wants. If he will give you a consent divorce, you will not make all the affair information public. If he does not, you will use it to get a divorce based on his infidelity. And if you get a fault divorce, you will also tell everyone in his family, your family and all his friends about his affair. (expose the affair)

Even if it's not a consent divorce, so what if a divorce based on his infidelity takes 5 years. At least you will be finally divorced in 5 years. If you had filed 5 years ago, you would be divorce today.

Get that divorce.

Your husband is clearly not marriage material. He also clearly does not care all that much about his son. I think you were wrong for ending your son's contact with his father. But your husband was wong to not go to a lawyer and get the court to get as much custody of his son that he could. His lack of action tells me that it was convenient for your husband to use you as an excuse for avoiding his responsiblity to his son.

Your son is suffering from not seeing his father on a regular basis. Your entire situation is causing your son confusion. And you not allowing him to see is father is making his father a hero in your son's eyes. At some point, as your son gets older he will most likely seek out his father. I've seen this happen. Boys at about 15 years old will run off to live with the father who they felt was kept away from them. You can pretty much expect that to happen.

Both you and your husband think that your perspective parents are more important than your spouse. I get that your culture is a large part of this. A couple usually lives with the husband's parants in your culture and supports his parents. Do your parents have any sons? If so how involved are your brothers in taking care of your parents.

Your marriage is a sorry mess. As much of a loser as your husband is, your actions contributted to this mess as well. So just get a divorce and put an end to this fiasco.

As his OW, she will most likley help you. He's lying to you about the affair. And then he's lying to her, telling her that you are a mean woman who abuses him. What a mess.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OMG divorce him!! What in the world are you still doing married to this loser??


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

prettydaisy09 said:


> Our mutual friends are asking me to reconcile with him, forgive him and start everything afresh. Do you all really think that we both can reconcile and I should now start letting him visit our son? How do I reconcile with him? He is not even ready to discuss and being honest about the affair details. How can I trust him and move back to his house? Will that work now after years of separation and after his affair? He will be ready to take me back anytime but I am not ready to get hurt again . If not divorce what is the other option??


Screw that!! This is ridiculous...don't you want a real life with a real man??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dang, I'm all out of popcorn and it isn't worth it to go to the store.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So basically YOU left your husband years ago while he was taking care of his elderly parents. 

Then you stopped him from visiting his son. 

Now your upset because he cheated on you after you stopped being his wife. You abandoned him and wouldn’t allow him to see his kid. 

What did you expect to happen?

You broke the marriage vows by leaving your husband.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The relationship you describe doesn't sound like you ever had a real marriage, but just a paper one. I recommend filing for divorce, even if it takes a year, so what, you don't have a relationship now, you aren't out anything. This is very dysfunctional and does not do any of you any good. Cut your losses and divorce.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

prettydaisy09 said:


> But His lifestyle didn't change at all, he has zero savings and has only a car and his clinic to call his own. He sits there the whole day and hardly any patients come and he keeps spending time wasting away with his useless friends, watching porn and this woman!!!!!!!!!!


This is what you are telling us is your husband's current status ...



prettydaisy09 said:


> Do you all really think that we both can reconcile and I should now start letting him visit our son? How do I reconcile with him? He is not even ready to discuss and being honest about the affair details. How can I trust him and move back to his house? Will that work now after years of separation and after his affair? He will be ready to take me back anytime but I am not ready to get hurt again . If not divorce what is the other option??


… but his is what you asking us to figure out for you.

I don't know if YOU can reconcile with this man. That's your decision to make and nobody else can do that for you.

Like a number of people have already said, I don't know why you haven't started the divorce process. The thing is, you sound like you have lots of issues yourself. 

You stated your husband won't be honest with you about his affair. In other words, he isn't showing remorse or regret. But you want to know if there are other options to divorce. Well, sure, have him move back in with you and pretend nothing happened. Or, better yet, give him an ultimatum: Either he gets into counseling with you and shows genuine remorse and regret for the affair, or you start the divorce process.

I'm sitting here scratching my head as to why you are turning yourself inside out and looking for the impossible. It sounds like this marriage is beyond dead. Time to give it a proper burial. Seriously.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He is a wimp, cheater and loser but you aren't much better.

I earn good and wouldn't cheat but would have started divorce proceedings within a month of you moving and I wouldn't have let you dictate me not seeing my own child.

I would probably have had a girlfriend within two or three months of you leaving.

I obviously don't see eye to eye with your husband on everything but you are delusional and manipulative.

Do you have a sex drive at all?

Years without sex?

You are extremely unhealthy and I encourage you to get professional help because I'm positive you have screwed up your kid.

Get him help as well. You two have truly messed his life up.

Too bad he didn't have parents that actually cared about his well being and development.

Do you really believe the tripe you are spewing about your son being confused about a weekend dad?

You are a manipulator that doesn't give a rat turd about anyone but yourself.

I'm not excusing your husband but there are two bad guys in this story and you are one of them with your son being the victim.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Dang, I'm all out of popcorn and it isn't worth it to go to the store.


Go to my thread.

Skip pops corn. 
Bring mom hankies.

You lost a friend today.

Again...



[....]-


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

I just came to know from My mutual friends that his mom was sick mentally and was behaving in a weird manner for past one year. I lost my job a year back and since then he has been continuously begging me to go back to him.

So my mutual friends have this to say:


The fact that he was begging me to be back with him while he was still having an affair is making me think if he really loved me and be back with him !!
If I had gone back to him, that would have put an end to all his dramas so I guess he was not happy with the affair in the first place and not happy with the OW too. Or why would he beg me to come back home? I would ask for all phone access, mail access, cut off his drinking and partying ways etc etc ( as now I have no job too)
May be he didnot know how to get rid of her or come out of the affair. She was extremely involved in the affair while he could be possibly having a fling for 6 years and got bored of her.
He was planning for a trip abroad as well with me and my son just 2 months ago.
I kept saying NO to his invitations to anniversaries, dinners etc, but still he never stop begging me.
Never once did he mention divorce though I completely cut off access to him to our son. Which dad wants that?

What do all these mean??????? 
Was he in love with me as he claims ?

Our mutual friends mentioned all these points and asking me to reconsider divorce but Im really not sure what is true and what is untrue. He would say yes to all of the above points today but the fact that he and the OW went abroad for a holiday and that she really cared for him when I wasnt there ( i read her mails) is contradicting my thoughts. 
How could he want me over her ( she sounds to be pretty and extremely caring from his own words in his mail) when I never really cared or respected him?


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> He is a wimp, cheater and loser but you aren't much better.
> 
> I earn good and wouldn't cheat but would have started divorce proceedings within a month of you moving and I wouldn't have let you dictate me not seeing my own child.
> 
> ...


How can I give access to my son to a dad who is irresponsible? He never was willing to contribute to the family expenses. he never stopped his lavish lifestyle and tried to live within the means.
While I was sloggin away at work and raising my son as a single mom, he was enjoying himself in the affairs.
If he was a real man, he would have bought a home next to his parents , brought me and my son there. But he never tried.
For years, he promsied me that he would some day do that but he never did.
So I did provide access to my son on weekends for a few years but my son would get confused to see no dad the next monday.
And what was he teaching my son? What example was he setting?
Moreover, I waited for him to make up his mind and do something in these 7 years.
I went to all parties and met his useless friends too, his relatives to please him. I was there when his dad died and I helped his mom in many ways during that period.
Only from the last 2 years ( after our last holiday with my son) , I cut off complete access to my kid. I did that for a year in 2013 too and so he came back running to me in 2014.
So I thought this time too he would come back . He promised he would and it was him who kept bombarding me with messages to restart everything
ALL THIS WHILE SLEEPING WITH THAT *****!
I really want to know whom he wanted . I so want that OW to be the bad woman here but unfortuantely, from the mails I read, she was a nice person and truly loved him.
So he was a man who couldnt be true to his wife, couldnt be true to his OW at least.
He is the worst man so how can be become a great dad?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your husband is an ass but you are trying to manipulate him into a better man.

Just divorce him, regardless of how long it takes, and don't deny him visits with his son unless he is dangerous.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Your husband is an ass but you are trying to manipulate him into a better man.
> 
> Just divorce him, regardless of how long it takes, and don't deny him visits with his son unless he is dangerous.


Regarding the sex part, 
When a woman comes to know that she married a weak man who cant support her and is forced to raise a son all alone and staying with her parents while the society is making fun of her because she walked out of her matrimonial home (yes, we live in such a society) then sex would be the last thing on her mind.
My mind would always be full of plans to run the home, manage my growing up boy, taking care of my highly stressful corporate job, taking care of my aging parents.
I lived like a man for the past 7 years. I could have divorced but I waited for him to change. Even now, after all this, Im not rushing into divorce because i still care for his reputation. And my parents reputation in our society. Its not easy for us to divorce. People ask questions, they make their own answers and laugh behind my back. Its so difficult to manage so many. Its impossible to live normally in such a place. If this man is still my husband ( on paper), I wouldnt lose anything. Anyway I didnt gain anything.
Im not interested in getting married again or having a boyfriend again.
My only aim now is to take care of my son and parents.
Is there any way I can stop this man continuing the affair? 
When should I be hiring a PI and for how long?


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

I am not sure if she is the same one. I tried sending a private message . Awaiting the response.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

prettydaisy09 said:


> Regarding the sex part,
> When a woman comes to know that she married a weak man who cant support her and is forced to raise a son all alone and staying with her parents while the society is making fun of her because she walked out of her matrimonial home (yes, we live in such a society) then sex would be the last thing on her mind.
> My mind would always be full of plans to run the home, manage my growing up boy, taking care of my highly stressful corporate job, taking care of my aging parents.
> I lived like a man for the past 7 years. I could have divorced but I waited for him to change. Even now, after all this, Im not rushing into divorce because i still care for his reputation. And my parents reputation in our society. Its not easy for us to divorce. People ask questions, they make their own answers and laugh behind my back. Its so difficult to manage so many. Its impossible to live normally in such a place. If this man is still my husband ( on paper), I wouldnt lose anything. Anyway I didnt gain anything.
> ...


Prettydaisy, why are you so concerned with:

1. whether he still loves you?
2. about his reputation?
3. stopping his affair?

It is clear that your marriage is a sham, a marriage on paper only. You have broken the marriage vows as has he. There is no marriage, just an arrangement of sorts ( sad but true). There has been little communication, interaction, visitation for son, etc.
So why are you now asking these things? YOu have dropped the ball on your marriage, so has he. Let him have the OW, why should you care so much, you have been separated for 7 years.

I suggest you go and see a counsellor on your own, even a MC, perhaps they will let you see that your living arrangement is not a marriage, never was and never can be. Therefore applying the social and cultural norms of marriage to this 'arrangement' is totally daft. You are in no position to 'stop' his affair, demand anything from him, etc.

It appears to me that since you cannot have him the way you want him, no-one else can either. This says a lot more about you and your motivations than it does about him and his behaviour. Think about that. You are not the victim here.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

aine said:


> Prettydaisy, why are you so concerned with:
> 
> 1. whether he still loves you?
> 2. about his reputation?
> ...


Perhaps.

But just a few moments ago, my husband is hopelessly crying and calling me to give him a chance .
He says he loves me like crazy and he always wanted only me. he is begging me not to divorce him and he loves me and his son.
he is ready to leave him home and come back to me TODAY!
He says that OW sent all the mails to me to expose him as he wanted to end the affair. He says we both should start fresh and he will stay in my house.
Im very confused because my parents are still mad at him and will he really leave his mom alone and come back and live with me and my parents?
Wow, the affair came out and had such a big impact on him! So much change in a month?
Or he is simply acting? I m not sure if I will be able to forget all this anytime soon but I can keep him under control if he stays with me.
But is it worth it?
We both lived together for 6 years after marriage and he had an affair equally long. but he could forget his affair partner though she was extraordinarily caring and loving and respectful towards him while I had little respect for him.
Its all so confusing.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

How long does it take for a couple to start reconciliation process after the affair is out?
In our case, since we stay apart ( just 10km away), we did not meet or talk face to face yet so is my husband really willing to reconcile?'if we do reconcile, can we stay apart and still make this work? He says he would move back to my home immediately but im scared to take that risk.
He is just keeps saying he did not cheat on me for 6 years and he still wants ONLY me and all.
its been a month since the affair came out


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

So Daisy - what is it that you love about this guy? Everything you've stated here makes him seem like a desperate loser. Who cares why *he* wants reconciliation - why do you?

As for the cheating - i mean - this wasn't a real practical marriage in any way. It's a bit different than if you were living together as a true husband and wife as a lie where he's stepped out. The question there is if he's really finished with that or if that would trail into and complicate your marriage 2.0 should you choose that. A guy like this so wishy washy I don't think he'll ever be able to commit to you and end this. Not sure i'd ever be able to trust him if I were you...just something to consider. He's just...damaged and fundamentally flawed to be someone capable of a serious relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: Husband cheated while separated*

You’re not a couple and I would definitely not consider this cheating. 

It’s weird that you keep calling him “my son”. It took two of you right?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

prettydaisy09 said:


> How long does it take for a couple to start reconciliation process after the affair is out?
> In our case, since we stay apart ( just 10km away), we did not meet or talk face to face yet so is my husband really willing to reconcile?'if we do reconcile, can we stay apart and still make this work? He says he would move back to my home immediately but im scared to take that risk.
> He is just keeps saying he did not cheat on me for 6 years and he still wants ONLY me and all.
> its been a month since the affair came out


Wait, so you KNOW about the affair, yet he says he didn't cheat, and wants only you. Just HOW TF does that work?? And why in God's name would you even THINK about reconciling with this man? Clearly he isn't honest, that alone is enough reason to not be with him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

prettydaisy09 said:


> I just came to know from My mutual friends that his mom was sick mentally and was behaving in a weird manner for past one year. I lost my job a year back and since then he has been continuously begging me to go back to him.
> 
> So my mutual friends have this to say:
> 
> ...


Maybe he knew you needed your son.


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wait, so you KNOW about the affair, yet he says he didn't cheat, and wants only you. Just HOW TF does that work?? And why in God's name would you even THINK about reconciling with this man? Clearly he isn't honest, that alone is enough reason to not be with him.


He says : 
The affair lasted for only one year but the screenshots( mail exchanges/timelines of their anniversaries) I have got say that it was for 6 years.

He says: 
He got carried away because of my absence in his empty life and that the OW pulled him into this and would never leave. So after 6 years, when he tried to break off, she exposed him to me by sending mails.

BUT WHAT I READ IN THE MAIL EXCHANGES WAS SO DIFFERENT. THEY BOTH WERE IN DEEP LOVE. HE SAID A HINDERED TIMES HOW MUCH HE CARED FOR HER AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES EVERYTHING SHE DOES.

He says: 
Why would he beg me to come back if he was still in the affair? 

I came to know later that his mom was turned mentally ill and doctors said that it was because of loneliness ( only he and his mom lived in a huge home) and neighbors were asking him why cant he bring his wife back home. So now I doubt if he wanted me to be back to his house so that his mom is not alone. Also it could be for my son as well

He says: 
He did not have sex with the OW. I know its so funny.
I have the dirtiest descriptions of their sexual act by HIM . But again, he denies saying that the mail was edited before it was sent. But I know his style of writing so I know it was sexual too.

He said he did not go abroad on a holiday with her.
Later said she was just a friend. But when I showed him the 'kiss picture' he said nothing and said it was just a kiss

Anything I ask, he says its all over now. Its all finished with her and he loved and loves only me. That s why he kept begging me to return to his place.

For the last statement, I too have no logical reason to doubt. Why would he call me home if he still wanted to continue the affair? It impossible to continue as I would have surely caught him . So either the affair was really over or he was extremely unhappy ' suddenly' after the affair. 'Suddenly' because they went to Milan just 30 days before the affair came out.

He is not ready to give me divorce in any case and will it very difficult for me if I initiate it. I can still expose his affair to all his friends and relatives but i dont want to do that because I too have my share of irresponsibility in this whole episode.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prettydaisy09 said:


> He says :
> The affair lasted for only one year but the screenshots( mail exchanges/timelines of their anniversaries) I have got say that it was for 6 years.
> 
> He says:
> He got carried away because of my absence in his empty life and that the OW pulled him into this and would never leave. So after 6 years, when he tried to break off, she exposed him to me by sending mails.


When did she send the emails? How long ago?


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

prettydaisy09 said:


> He says :
> The affair lasted for only one year but the screenshots( mail exchanges/timelines of their anniversaries) I have got say that it was for 6 years.
> 
> He says:
> ...


He also says the OW lived in a different city. But the mails i read, she described every place they went to and the awesome memories - all in our same city.

He also said that it was just phone sex, facetime sex...whatever **** it is called.
But in the mails he described how she never let him touch her body parts in the movie theatre, how she hated public display of affection.

So, initially he was all bluffing... Only when I showed proofs or lied that his friends told me the actual truth, did he confess that too ery little.
He just keeps saying he changed and he wont divorce and will do whatever needs to be done to save the marriage.

he also says that he is no longer in touch with the OW and doesnot have her phone number and that she changed her number.

BUT I AM NOT AT ALL SURE IF HE STILL DOESNT CONTACT HER AT ALL!
HE FEARS THAT I ENGAGED a PI so he must have reduced the contact with her but its just impossible that he let her go totally..6 years of extreme affection and sharing between the two. They would talk 20 times a day, meet up every alternate day, go for spas movies, parks, museums, matches, hospitals too! OMG! In fact he got admitted in the hospital for a day last year and it was she who took complete care of him by going there at 6: am and staying till 11pm, without eating and leaving her kid all alone at home!
Can a man ever leave such a woman so fast and move on?

I doubt it!


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> When did she send the emails? How long ago?


On August 1st. Im not sure if it is she because it could be one of his friends who about the affair. It came from a very strange email id


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From the way you describe your husband, he sounds like a loser. I don't think you should get back with him because of that. He's a liar. The way you describe him handling his business, finances and responsibilities are pathetic for a grown man. He's had plenty of opportunity to change and be a responsible man, husband and father. He's not going to grow up any time soon.

On the other hand, you left him years ago. I really do not blame him for having an affair. He's not really had a marraige for years now. That's not to say that you should not have left. But since you did leave and since he did nothing to fix the problem, he does not really have a marriage.

I think it's just rediculous and sort of Bollywood drama that you are going on as though he did something horrible to you by having an affair. Come on. You cared so little about him that you have not even talked to him for most of the last 2 years. Get real.

What a mess. Why would you want to be married to a man like this? Why are you even considering reconciling? He's lying to you. He cannot even earn a living. He is an adult but he lets his mother support him. He has done nothing to see his son and to help support his son.

Why are you wasting your energy on this. File for divorce already.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

He didn't cheat from what you describe. You both haven't live together in 7 years and haven't seen each other in 1.5 years. Did you really expect him to remain celibate? You are married in paper only, just get a divorce like you both should have done 7 years ago. The weekend dad excuse for denying him from seeing his son is beyond lame. He either an idiot or a deadbeat for accepting any of this. Probably both, but either way you are both living in denial.


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

It is selfish of you to keep hoping he abandons his mum who is old and sick, and move in with you and your own parents, after YOU left the marriage in hopes he will run after you.

You said you have not been a good wife to him, no love or respect like the OW, and even feel no guilt in keeping your son away from him?!

How do you think you deserve a good husband who will bend over backwards to please you?


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## prettydaisy09 (Sep 3, 2018)

Ab10lah said:


> It is selfish of you to keep hoping he abandons his mum who is old and sick, and move in with you and your own parents, after YOU left the marriage in hopes he will run after you.
> 
> You said you have not been a good wife to him, no love or respect like the OW, and even feel no guilt in keeping your son away from him?!
> 
> How do you think you deserve a good husband who will bend over backwards to please you?


Because, though I didnt live with him or meet him frequently, I helped him when he needed me, Like when he wanted money, when he wanted some bank information, help with his health issues and other issues related to work. I also paid bills for him sitting at my parents place sometimes. I sponsored an expensive holiday just 2 years back with him as my son was crying for his dad. When this man went on a boys' holiday, and his mom was alone, I went to help her for 3 days for 3 hours daily. I attended all his cousins' weddings, went with him to all his friends' parties, I am on very good terms with all his relatives still and they all like me a lot though they never ask/ interfere why I left him because they surely know that what I asked for is nothing but responsibility from him. I even let him stay in my parents' house without making him take any responsibility for 1.5 years. He was treated respectfully there, never contributed to any expenses still my parents let him stay there. All for my son.

I was in regular touch with him through whats app though we never met in person/went together anywhere. we always went to picnics with my parents, my sisters' kids every weekend. 

So he should be bending backwards to make me happy and get back to me. No separated wife does all these !!!!!!!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

:scratchhead: 7 years and still married? NASA went to the moon in less than a decade.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RWB said:


> :scratchhead: 7 years and still married? NASA went to the moon in less than a decade.


She lives in a country where it's almost impossible to get a divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prettydaisy09 said:


> Because, though I didnt live with him or meet him frequently, I helped him when he needed me, Like when he wanted money, when he wanted some bank information, help with his health issues and other issues related to work. I also paid bills for him sitting at my parents place sometimes. I sponsored an expensive holiday just 2 years back with him as my son was crying for his dad. When this man went on a boys' holiday, and his mom was alone, I went to help her for 3 days for 3 hours daily. I attended all his cousins' weddings, went with him to all his friends' parties, I am on very good terms with all his relatives still and they all like me a lot though they never ask/ interfere why I left him because they surely know that what I asked for is nothing but responsibility from him. I even let him stay in my parents' house without making him take any responsibility for 1.5 years. He was treated respectfully there, never contributed to any expenses still my parents let him stay there. All for my son.
> 
> I was in regular touch with him through whats app though we never met in person/went together anywhere. we always went to picnics with my parents, my sisters' kids every weekend.
> 
> So he should be bending backwards to make me happy and get back to me. No separated wife does all these !!!!!!!


You have explained why you left him. You had good reason to leave him. From the way you describe him, he's an irresponsible man-child who never grew up.

I know that in your culture, it's normal for a man to live with his parents and take care of them. Usually the man, his wife and children live with his parents. It's your society's way of taking care of the elderly. The problem with it is what you see with your husband, often times these men never fully grow up. They have mommy and daddy to support them. Your husband is going to hit a wall when his mother dies. Does he inherit her money? If there enough money left to take care of him for the rest of his days?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pretty Daisy, this man adds no value to your life whatsoever, please just divorce him. You cannot expect him to remain faithful to a marriage that doesn;t really exist. Let the OW have him.


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