# The other person and separation



## hw123 (Oct 12, 2011)

Just a quick question. My wife is seeing another man, been about 4 months. We're still together in our house, with our two teenage children. More of a roommate situation. We don't argue and fight about it. In the beginning she said it was over between us. Now she said that a trial separation might be good to help her sort things out. I responded that if she had no feelings left for me and it was over, then why not go straight to a divorce? She immediately responded that there was still feelings left for me, she just needed to sort them out. She has never mentioned the word divorce and if I mentioned it, then she immediately moved away from the topic. 

My question is with this other guy still in her life, will a separation be good, or just give her more time to be with this guy. Will she focus more on her feelings towards him rather than missing me? I'm sure she would miss the kids and home life, but the key to getting back together is for her to miss me. I feel I should almost step back and insist that she leave this other guy and work on our marriage instead, especially now that I know that she may still have feelings for me. We've been married for 22 years.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

hw123 said:


> Just a quick question. My wife is seeing another man, been about 4 months. We're still together in our house, with our two teenage children. More of a roommate situation. We don't argue and fight about it. In the beginning she said it was over between us. Now she said that a trial separation might be good to help her sort things out. I responded that if she had no feelings left for me and it was over, then why not go straight to a divorce? She immediately responded that there was still feelings left for me, she just needed to sort them out. She has never mentioned the word divorce and if I mentioned it, then she immediately moved away from the topic.
> 
> My question is with this other guy still in her life, will a separation be good, or just give her more time to be with this guy. Will she focus more on her feelings towards him rather than missing me? I'm sure she would miss the kids and home life, but the key to getting back together is for her to miss me. I feel I should almost step back and insist that she leave this other guy and work on our marriage instead, especially now that I know that she may still have feelings for me. We've been married for 22 years.


You need to understand that this is a serious problem that you need to escalate immediately. Your current behavior is enabling her affair to continue. There are going to be some stronger replies in this thread, I am sure, but suffice it to say she is disrespecting you in ways much deeper than I suspect you can see right now.

In her eyes, you are a safe backup plan. You are also a paycheck, and someone that helps keep the house in order. Is that what you want in a wife?

But yes, she needs to give up the other guy. Or she needs to move out. There is no middle ground.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are being a doormat and letting her have an affair right in front of you. You are also providing financial and logistical support for her cheating.

Have her served divorce papers and kick her out. Expose her cheating to family and friends. Your current strategy won't work, it hasn't worked, and you would call it insane if someone else told you about it.

Never negotiate wilth cheaters, only refuse to accept their abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You are being a doormat and letting her have an affair right in front of you. You are also providing financial and logistical support for her cheating.
> 
> Have her served divorce papers and kick her out. Expose her cheating to family and friends. Your current strategy won't work, it hasn't worked, and you would call it insane if someone else told you about it.
> 
> ...



Shaggy is right.

Your kids are teenagers and can handle the divorce. They need to know the truth which will allow them to learn a life lesson. How you handle your situation will influence them and they will remember it when they are older.

Show them you have integrity, self-worth and self-respect. Show them the proper way to handle betrayal and unfaithfulness. Dont let them think that your wife's behavior is acceptable in a marriage.

With that said, I dont see how you can live in an open marriage you have now. And the thoughts of the other man screwing your wife doesnt bother you? In the future?


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## hw123 (Oct 12, 2011)

That's what I'm struggling with. I was unfaithful to her in the very distant past and have never strayed since. That lasted less than a month and a half or so. So I felt like I had to give her some space in the beginning, after finding out, but now I don't see any change coming from her. 

She says a trial separation (according to a counselor she talked to on the phone) would help her sort things out. But I think it will be a biased decision since her sorting things out will include this other guy.

I think my plan now is to demand that she stop seeing this other guy and come back to work on our marriage. I haven't demanded directly that she do this in the past, at least not with an ultimatum attached.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The only way a separation helps in these situations is to get you and any objections out of sight and out of mind.

Common, unless you are a cuckold or in an open relationship there s no way a wife is Olga ing a relationship fior four months right in front of you. She can't have any respect for a man who would let her getaway with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

so...

You had an affair long time ago. And now she's having one.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

A separation is only going to help her - not you.

She's having her cake (the OM) and eating it too (you are a paycheck).

Take back your self-respect. She needs to move out or end it with the OM.

Otherwise, you need to get an attorney.


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## hw123 (Oct 12, 2011)

This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's funny when you're reading these forums and looking for advice, that you read it and think. But until you actually post your experience and have people reply back to your experience, well, it has a much greater impact.

Thanks guys....for helping me find my balls again.


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