# Surprising and fantastic first time encounter



## Healer

I've been single since Feb 2013. Technically I'm not divorced, but it's on the judge's desk and hopefully will be finalized any day now. I was cheated on and it was brutal. I've dated since and had sexual relations with a few women since. Not being ready for a real relationship yet, they all came and went. There's one that I've been "seeing" off and on for over a year. We get together now and then for dates and sex. It's fun but I don't have an emotional connection - not sure I'm capable of that right now.

I find first time sex with someone is generally awkward and not very good. After a while it gets better as you get more comfortable and get to know each other that way. I've had some good sex since being single, but nothing earth shattering. Admittedly the best sex I've ever had was the 10 weeks of hysterical bonding during false R with my ex. Then I realized I couldn't forgive/get past her infidelity and I filed for D. 

From January to May I was celibate. My "friend" was out of town and I just didn't want to. I play in a band that's quite successful and could but just didn't have it in me...too damaged, performance anxiety, just couldn't be arsed. Then my friend came back and we've hooked up a couple times. Fun but again nothing great.

Then I hear from a band mate that this singer woman (who's also a high school teacher) is "crushing" on me. She's recently divorced, has a little kid (I have 2 kids). She showed up at a show I was playing a couple months back and we ended up sort of grinding on each other during another band's set. I was bold and just sort of grabbed her ass and did some pseudo dirty dancing. It was nice. She asked me to walk her to her car and I did, but didn't kiss her (I had learned going for a kiss too early is bad news - kinda re-learning this whole woman thing after 14 years of marriage).

A couple week s ago she texts me "is it bad that I just want a lover and not a relationship right now?". Kinda bold. I replied "Not at all, right there with you". She says "Well what are your Mondays' like?". We arranged to hook up but I bailed - my drummer came over early and we got day drunk. She was cool and said "well, let me know when you want to get together".

Fast forward to Friday night (2 nights ago). She texts "are you home?". I said yeah and she could come over if she likes. We've never had any interaction other than the dancing that one night and a couple texts. It was 2 am and I was tired but thought "what the hell, live a little".

So she shows up and we sit on the couch and chat for a few minutes, and I just go for it - start kissing her. We ended up having sex on the couch, then went up to my room and carried on. It was AMAZING. I've never had first sex that was good let alone great. We took our time, foreplay, staring into each other's eyes, slow, fast, different positions, holding hands...our mouths were locked almost the entire time, breathing heavily into each other. She was so passionate and enthusiastic...no reservations. This helped me a LOT with performance anxiety...I was just fine. She was whimpering, panting, moaning...we couldn't go totally crazy as my kids were sleeping. But wow, it was HOT! She said "wow, you really have some serious skills". We did it again and then she left before my kids awoke.

We texted each other and talked about it after...she said "that was very surprising...and very lovely". We are meeting again Thursday.

Anyway, not even sure why I'm telling you this - it was a great experience that I really needed - the intimacy and passion, and a boost for my self confidence. And just great sex! Its amazing what a difference chemistry and enthusiasm can make. And a woman who is sexually confident is a wonderful thing. Now, we'll see what comes of this. She does happen to be a really cool person too, and she's smart. Can 2 people just remain "lovers" and nothing more? We'll see.


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## movealong

Healer said:


> Anyway, not even sure why I'm telling you this


Ummm....because it rocks and you wanted to share the happiness? 

Congrats! From what I remember (14 years in relationship/marriage), when that happens it is very good! :smthumbup:


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## Dedicated2Her

Healer said:


> ...we couldn't go totally crazy as my kids were sleeping. But wow, it was HOT! She said "wow, you really have some serious skills". We did it again and then she left before my kids awoke.


How old are your kids? Could you imagine a child waking up to a person who they have never met being their home naked with dad? 

It's fun to experience new things coming out of a divorce, but have some wisdom about it.


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## Jellybeans

Braggart.

Just kidding.

Get you some.


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## WolverineFan

The answer to your question is "no". True love goes beyond sex.


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## bandit.45

Stud. 




So what does your ex do now for fun?


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## samyeagar

bandit.45 said:


> Stud.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *So what does your ex do now for fun*?


The local football team?


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## bandit.45

samyeagar said:


> The local football team?


:rofl:


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## one_strange_otter

Fantastic....I totally agree that the whole "passionate and enthusiastic" part has to be there. Everybody gets nervous and it's difficult to make it work the first time you meet for some people if they are role-playing a dead fish. I can't stand that. Maybe later on they would open up (and for a few people i've hung around to find out) but in general you have to show me a reason for me to want to ask to see you again. Sounds like you were given a reason.


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## COguy

Congrats on your find. As to your question, it already sounds like you're in love with her LOL.

While I think it's possible to have a FWB situation, I don't think it can last forever without getting messy. But that's just my biased opinion, never actually having one of those type of arrangements.


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## poppyseed

It's nice - early days like this one are always magic - that's how my previous relationship started, all promising and simply so "pure" to begin with. 

Then sooner or later, a "real life" starts to set in and as always, I agree that "there's nothing that lasts forever". Having said that, enjoy whilst it lasts and that's why it's all the more so precious. Whether we like it or not, we are living mammals-we are all nature after all. We live, love and die.


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## Fenix

Healer said:


> I've been single since Feb 2013. Technically I'm not divorced, but it's on the judge's desk and hopefully will be finalized any day now. I was cheated on and it was brutal. I've dated since and had sexual relations with a few women since. Not being ready for a real relationship yet, they all came and went. There's one that I've been "seeing" off and on for over a year. We get together now and then for dates and sex. It's fun but I don't have an emotional connection - not sure I'm capable of that right now.
> 
> I find first time sex with someone is generally awkward and not very good. After a while it gets better as you get more comfortable and get to know each other that way. I've had some good sex since being single, but nothing earth shattering. Admittedly the best sex I've ever had was the 10 weeks of hysterical bonding during false R with my ex. Then I realized I couldn't forgive/get past her infidelity and I filed for D.
> 
> From January to May I was celibate. My "friend" was out of town and I just didn't want to. I play in a band that's quite successful and could but just didn't have it in me...too damaged, performance anxiety, just couldn't be arsed. Then my friend came back and we've hooked up a couple times. Fun but again nothing great.
> 
> Then I hear from a band mate that this singer woman (who's also a high school teacher) is "crushing" on me. She's recently divorced, has a little kid (I have 2 kids). She showed up at a show I was playing a couple months back and we ended up sort of grinding on each other during another band's set. I was bold and just sort of grabbed her ass and did some pseudo dirty dancing. It was nice. She asked me to walk her to her car and I did, but didn't kiss her (I had learned going for a kiss too early is bad news - kinda re-learning this whole woman thing after 14 years of marriage).
> 
> A couple week s ago she texts me "is it bad that I just want a lover and not a relationship right now?". Kinda bold. I replied "Not at all, right there with you". She says "Well what are your Mondays' like?". We arranged to hook up but I bailed - my drummer came over early and we got day drunk. She was cool and said "well, let me know when you want to get together".
> 
> Fast forward to Friday night (2 nights ago). She texts "are you home?". I said yeah and she could come over if she likes. We've never had any interaction other than the dancing that one night and a couple texts. It was 2 am and I was tired but thought "what the hell, live a little".
> 
> So she shows up and we sit on the couch and chat for a few minutes, and I just go for it - start kissing her. We ended up having sex on the couch, then went up to my room and carried on. It was AMAZING. I've never had first sex that was good let alone great. We took our time, foreplay, staring into each other's eyes, slow, fast, different positions, holding hands...our mouths were locked almost the entire time, breathing heavily into each other. She was so passionate and enthusiastic...no reservations. This helped me a LOT with performance anxiety...I was just fine. She was whimpering, panting, moaning...we couldn't go totally crazy as my kids were sleeping. But wow, it was HOT! She said "wow, you really have some serious skills". We did it again and then she left before my kids awoke.
> 
> We texted each other and talked about it after...she said "that was very surprising...and very lovely". We are meeting again Thursday.
> 
> Anyway, not even sure why I'm telling you this - it was a great experience that I really needed - the intimacy and passion, and a boost for my self confidence. And just great sex! Its amazing what a difference chemistry and enthusiasm can make. And a woman who is sexually confident is a wonderful thing. Now, we'll see what comes of this. She does happen to be a really cool person too, and she's smart. Can 2 people just remain "lovers" and nothing more? We'll see.


Not in this scenario.  But so what? Day at a time and have some fun.


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## SamuraiJack

> Can 2 people just remain "lovers" and nothing more? We'll see.


It's been my experience that when this game is played...one or the other or both will end up getting hurt.

Set up your boundaries and stick to them, especially what happens if it drops out from under you. Make sure the end signs are established and clear so that when the time comes, you can look each other in the eye and say "I had a wonderful time with you and I will never forget you. Thanks so much for being with me."

Once the rules are set, then you enjoy each other as much as possible.


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## Healer

We've had two more encounters since - one at her place then she came to mine again Saturday. Even more fiery/passionate. She's rather insatiable I must say, which I have no problem obliging. 

On Saturday, she asked me to put on some music, so I played Sam Cooke. She asked me to dance with her (I'm not big into that - but I did it, and it was nice actually). After a few songs she pulled the 2 of us against the wall, lifted up her skirt and we went at it. Then she pulled me to the kitchen counter, hopped up there and had me ravish her. We eventually went to my room and carried on, several times.

After the first time, I was spooning her, and she said "what are you thinking about?" I don't like that question, but I wasn't getting what she was after. She then said "I like it when you take what you want - what do you want??" I clearly wasn't picking up what she was putting down  so she took the initiative and well, umm, you get the picture. Damn! She is the most sexualized woman I've encountered. Is this the sort of **** that goes on in books like 50 shades of grey??


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## Jellybeans

Hehe. Awesome, Healer! Love Sam Cooke.

Please do not compare your tryst to 50 Shades of Sh*t. The writing was horrible and was about a woman who has zero personality and is a doormat. 

Your story sounds WAY hotter. 

GET IT, I say!


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Hehe. Awesome, Healer! Love Sam Cooke.
> 
> Please do not compare your tryst to 50 Shades of Sh*t. The writing was horrible and was about a woman who has zero personality and is a doormat.
> 
> Your story sounds WAY hotter.
> 
> GET IT, I say!


Haha! Thanks JB! Yes, Sam Cooke and Otis Redding - I owe those dudes a lot. ;-)

Seeing her again tomorrow night.


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## SamuraiJack

Healer said:


> Haha! Thanks JB! Yes, Sam Cooke and Otis Redding - I owe those dudes a lot. ;-)
> 
> Seeing her again tomorrow night.


I had a gal who was VERY into Neil Young...

THANK YOU NEIL!!!!!


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## firebelly1

Happy for you Healer. Part of me is a little sad this is the most sexualized woman you've ever encountered, but Yay!


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## JWTBL

I love Neil young, always have, ever since my English teacher played After the gold rush and we had to write a shore story to it.


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## Healer

Well, things might be getting complicated.

I can tell she's developing more than just "I like to hump this guy" feelings. Today she texted me "I'd like to ask you out on a date - something very chaste, like dinner and a movie". I said sure, as I am cool with that - I do enjoy her company. However I'm not ready or necessarily interested in being "boyfriend/girlfriend" or being exclusive or anything. Honestly I still feel as though I have a lot of oats to sew, I'm not ready for a monogamous relationship (I don't know what I want at this point) and I still intend on playing the field some. I'm also enjoying coming and going as I feel and not being obligated to anyone (I'm still pretty emotionally damaged from my ex's cheating and the end of our marriage).

I'm not sure how to handle this. I mean I feel we already established what this was/what it was going to be - a purely sexual relationship. Did she honestly go into it with those intentions or did she have something else in mind all along?

Am I obligated to reiterate what this is? Will that cause her pain? What if I want to see someone else? Do I have to tell her about it? I guess I was naive to think this would actually go the way she made out that it would. Or am I over-thinking?


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## COguy

It's just what happens when you have a FWB situation, they hardly last forever without getting complicated (from what I've heard anyway).

If you really don't want to tie down the best thing you can do is date other women and limit your contact to this one. If she's your only option and you give her all your time you're going to have a hard time saying no if she wants to get serious.

If you have backups then you're more likely to keep it casual. When you put all your eggs in one basket, the basket is going to seem greater than it is.


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## firebelly1

Healer said:


> Well, things might be getting complicated.
> 
> I can tell she's developing more than just "I like to hump this guy" feelings. Today she texted me "I'd like to ask you out on a date - something very chaste, like dinner and a movie". I said sure, as I am cool with that - I do enjoy her company. However I'm not ready or necessarily interested in being "boyfriend/girlfriend" or being exclusive or anything. Honestly I still feel as though I have a lot of oats to sew, I'm not ready for a monogamous relationship (I don't know what I want at this point) and I still intend on playing the field some. I'm also enjoying coming and going as I feel and not being obligated to anyone (I'm still pretty emotionally damaged from my ex's cheating and the end of our marriage).
> 
> I'm not sure how to handle this. I mean I feel we already established what this was/what it was going to be - a purely sexual relationship. Did she honestly go into it with those intentions or did she have something else in mind all along?
> 
> Am I obligated to reiterate what this is? Will that cause her pain? What if I want to see someone else? Do I have to tell her about it? I guess I was naive to think this would actually go the way she made out that it would. Or am I over-thinking?


When two people are single and they have sex with no actual conversation about what they want before they have sex, then it's not unreasonable to be the way you are - just think it's about sex - nor is it unreasonable to think it might go somewhere romantically - like she seems to be thinking. 

I think you have to be honest with her. It may cause her pain but it would cause her MORE pain if you waited to tell her when she's more emotionally invested. However, you're not saying you don't want to continue seeing her, right? So you can say that - I want to keep seeing you. I just want you to know I'm not ready for a relationship right now.


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## Omego

Healer said:


> I'm not sure how to handle this. I mean I feel we already established what this was/what it was going to be - a purely sexual relationship. Did she honestly go into it with those intentions or did she have something else in mind all along?


Actually, it sounds like she was desperate for love and affection and went about it the wrong way. She may have felt that starting this intense sexual relationship was a good way to get your attention, without realizing that she wasn't creating a foundation for a real relationship.

I can't imagine that a divorced (40 something?) woman with children is just looking for a purely sexual relationship. And the way you describe things, there is some real depth of feeling and chemistry which I'm sure is making her, or has made her emotionally attached to you.

I feel bad for her! You're quite upstanding to be concerned about her feelings.... it would be good to be straightforward.

She behaved exactly as our mothers always warned us, as young girls, not to!! There is something to be said for old-fashioned wisdom.

Just my 2 cts.


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> I can tell she's developing more than just "I like to hump this guy" feelings.



Ah, sex. The game-changer.



Healer said:


> However I'm not ready or necessarily interested in being "boyfriend/girlfriend" or being exclusive or anything. Honestly I still feel as though I have a lot of oats to sew, I'm not ready for a monogamous relationship (I don't know what I want at this point) and I still intend on playing the field some.
> 
> I'm not sure how to handle this.


This one's easy: Tell her.

One or both almost ALWAYS end up developing feelings once that pesky thing sex gets involved. Sure, sounds like you started out this way, but honestly, i twas probably inevitable this would happen.

Just be honest with her about your intentions (non-intentions).


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## Jellybeans

firebelly1 said:


> I want to keep seeing you. I just want you to know I'm not ready for a relationship right now.


Perfect response.


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## firebelly1

Any updates Healer?


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## Healer

Omego said:


> *Actually, it sounds like she was desperate for love and affection and went about it the wrong way.* She may have felt that starting this intense sexual relationship was a good way to get your attention, without realizing that she wasn't creating a foundation for a real relationship.
> 
> I can't imagine that a divorced (40 something?) woman with children is just looking for a purely sexual relationship. And the way you describe things, there is some real depth of feeling and chemistry which I'm sure is making her, or has made her emotionally attached to you.
> 
> I feel bad for her! You're quite upstanding to be concerned about her feelings.... it would be good to be straightforward.
> 
> She behaved exactly as our mothers always warned us, as young girls, not to!! There is something to be said for old-fashioned wisdom.
> 
> Just my 2 cts.


Yes. I don't think she's manipulative, at least not intentionally. She may have told herself she only wanted a "lover and not a relationship" or she knew what she was doing and did it to snare me...I don't know. She's a really sweet gal and is kind. But really, I've not known her long. She was starved completely of love and sex in her marriage, and he was abusive. She's HD for sure and I think she was/is desperate for love/affection/sex.

My friend and colleague, who's a smart guy, said he would avoid teachers (she's a HS teacher) because they subtly always get you to, how did he put it, follow their lead, or comply, or whatever. Basically that they manipulate to gain control. This seemed a pretty sweeping generalization to me, but he was adamant. Don't know what to think there.

She mentioned wanting me to go on a family getaway with her and also wants to go to dance lessons. I'm not into these things. My mom said "if you don't want to with her, then she's not the one". Which is true - I'm not interested long term. My standards are very high - which is good and bad. I settled in my marriage and it burned me. I married down (sorry to sound arrogant, but I did) with my ex, and everyone else knew it. And I paid a price for that. I'm not settling next time (if there is one). I'm going for high quality (which means different things to different people). My folks (mom and step dad) are madly in love with each other. It's sickening, really. They go on about how when I find the "one" I'll know, it'll hit me over the head like a sledge hammer. I'm not optimistic about finding what they have, sadly. 

I've also got issues of my own. Anxiety issues, which have been pushed into overdrive of late because of something awful. My grandma died in July. A few days before she passed, while in hospital, my father, who lived with them at the time, attacked my grandfather with a hunting knife - my grandpa's hands got all sliced up and there was a big struggle. My dad then took some morphine and passed out. He was arrested and charged with assault with a weapon, then put on suicide watch. He's out on bail awaiting an assessment to see if he was criminally responsible at the time, or out of his head. My grandma died while he was in jail. The relevance here is: I used to take Zoloft (my entire 14 year marriage) and got off after we split - off for 1.5 years. My anxiety got so bad lately I went back on last week, much to my chagrin. It _instantly _ killed my sex drive. I was a machine before - then nothing. No drive, apathetic, no wood. Numb ****. Awful. I haven't taken any in a few days. I like sex too much! I'll see how I do off of it again. It's funny - not having a sex drive, caused by anti-anxiety meds, was giving me anxiety. Oh the irony.

She felt me pull away no doubt. I told her about the meds, she was cool. She wanted me to go to a wedding (overnight thing) tonight and I declined. She's not been texting me as much as usual (several times a day) so I think she picked up that I was cooling it a bit. She sure jumped right into relationship mode though. I get it, all that sex is bound to create some emotional response - how can it not? We've been banging like jack rabbits. But again it was she who pursued under the non-relationship banner.

Now I'm freaked out I've lost my mojo. The libido/ delayed ejaculation thing eased up after awhile back when I first took Zoloft. But this was so sudden, so drastic it spooked me bad. ****ing anxiety. I really need to go see a therapist.

I also have a couple other things lined up with other women. I intend to pursue them. However I really need to get my **** together and get my nerves/emotions under control. Guess I should call that therapist this afternoon.

Sorry, hella long rant there!


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## Omego

I think you've got it pretty well figured out. And no, you're not arrogant to not want to settle, frankly.

I've heard that anti-depressors can hurt libido. Can you change them or reduce the dose? The stress of your family situation is of course not helpful. I'm sorry to hear about your father.

The generalization about teachers seems strange, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but based on what you say, she's really pushing for a committed relationship and very attracted to you. I'd just tell her, if I were you, that you're not ready for a relationship and that she should move on. It's best for her and best for you because you don't need any added pressure so it seems!

Your mom and step-father are right! I didn't settle in my first marriage but I married someone who I liked and admired, but for whom I didn't have that feeling: "this is the one". i got divorced after 15 years and several children and thought I'd just be alone for the rest of my life.

By some stroke of fate, I found the one when I met my now husband. Keep dating. You will know when you find her. You'll suddenly LOVE dancing lessons if she asks!


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## ne9907

Healer said:


> But really, I've not known her long. She was starved completely of love and sex in her marriage, and he was abusive.
> 
> 
> Anxiety issues, which have been pushed into overdrive
> !


I am into a casual sex relationship with someone, we have been doing this for five months. I am not ready for a relationship, neither is he. We don't talk about our exes. I feel it is a mood killer and it also invites a deeper level of intimacy to share something so personal as to the reason I divorced. I do not want this guy to know how my ex was a piece of sh!t, or abusive, or manipulative, or narcissists, etc, etc, etc. 
I am always happy when I am around him, well sometimes I am *****y  but he knows it is not directed towards him.

Good luck with your Anxiety. My therapist recently told me I exhibit all signs of having anxiety. I never knew! But it does feel awful....



Omego said:


> she's really pushing for a committed relationship and very attracted to you. I'd just tell her, if I were you, that you're not ready for a relationship and that she should move on. It's best for her and best for you because you don't need any added pressure so it seems!


I agree.


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## firebelly1

I think for a FWB situation to work, you have to have some parameters around it but I think the parameters are different for everyone. It's better, in my mind, if it's intentional. In other words, you are explicit that this is FWB, you don't intend for it to turn into a relationship and as such, you aren't willing to do "relationshippy" things likes take dance lessons or meet friends and family, etc. 

I'm in a situation where he and I haven't talked about what we're looking for but I already am pretty sure this is not long-term potential stuff and I'm not sure whether or not to have this conversation. But it's kind of selfish, right? "I'd like to keep having sex with you but don't see this as a long term relationship thing. Still want to keep having sex with me anyway?" Urgh. Yet, it's honest and nips any potential stringing along in the bud.


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## Fenix

Jellybeans said:


> Perfect response.


I think it should be a bit stronger. Still leaves too much room for hope.



Healer said:


> Yes. I don't think she's manipulative, at least not intentionally. She may have told herself she only wanted a "lover and not a relationship" or she knew what she was doing and did it to snare me...I don't know. She's a really sweet gal and is kind. But really, I've not known her long. She was starved completely of love and sex in her marriage, and he was abusive. She's HD for sure and I think she was/is desperate for love/affection/sex.
> 
> My friend and colleague, who's a smart guy, said he would avoid teachers (she's a HS teacher) because they subtly always get you to, how did he put it, follow their lead, or comply, or whatever. Basically that they manipulate to gain control. This seemed a pretty sweeping generalization to me, but he was adamant. Don't know what to think there.
> 
> She mentioned wanting me to go on a family getaway with her and also wants to go to dance lessons. I'm not into these things. My mom said "if you don't want to with her, then she's not the one". Which is true - I'm not interested long term. My standards are very high - which is good and bad. I settled in my marriage and it burned me. I married down (sorry to sound arrogant, but I did) with my ex, and everyone else knew it. And I paid a price for that. I'm not settling next time (if there is one). I'm going for high quality (which means different things to different people). My folks (mom and step dad) are madly in love with each other. It's sickening, really. They go on about how when I find the "one" I'll know, it'll hit me over the head like a sledge hammer. I'm not optimistic about finding what they have, sadly.
> 
> She felt me pull away no doubt. I told her about the meds, she was cool. She wanted me to go to a wedding (overnight thing) tonight and I declined. She's not been texting me as much as usual (several times a day) so I think she picked up that I was cooling it a bit. She sure jumped right into relationship mode though. I get it, all that sex is bound to create some emotional response - how can it not? We've been banging like jack rabbits. But again it was she who pursued under the non-relationship banner.
> 
> Now I'm freaked out I've lost my mojo. The libido/ delayed ejaculation thing eased up after awhile back when I first took Zoloft. But this was so sudden, so drastic it spooked me bad. ****ing anxiety. I really need to go see a therapist.
> 
> I also have a couple other things lined up with other women. I intend to pursue them. However I really need to get my **** together and get my nerves/emotions under control. Guess I should call that therapist this afternoon.
> 
> Sorry, hella long rant there!


A couple of things. The whole marriage down thing does sound arrogant to me...depending on how you mean it. I think she is getting attached and wanting more. I don't think she is being manipulative, and perhaps, this caught her by surprise as well. Do not assume the negative. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and move on. It seems that all you want with her is an FB and she needs to know that. THAT is the kindest thing at this point. Also, talk to your dr about the meds. There are so many drugs out there that I would hope you can find one that doesn't impact your libido.



Omego said:


> Your mom and step-father are right! I didn't settle in my first marriage but I married someone who I liked and admired, but for whom I didn't have that feeling: "this is the one". i got divorced after 15 years and several children and thought I'd just be alone for the rest of my life.
> 
> By some stroke of fate, I found the one when I met my now husband. Keep dating. *You will know when you find her. You'll suddenly LOVE dancing lessons if she asks!*


If by not settling, you mean not settling for anything less that the one who is right, I am with you. If you are talking about some superficial profile of the perfect woman, I think that is arrogant and superficial. And I agree on the LOVE dancing lessons. Funny how we want to do things outside our norm when the right person asks! 



firebelly1 said:


> I think for a FWB situation to work, you have to have some parameters around it but I think the parameters are different for everyone. It's better, in my mind, if it's intentional. In other words, you are explicit that this is FWB, you don't intend for it to turn into a relationship and as such, you aren't willing to do "relationshippy" things likes take dance lessons or meet friends and family, etc.
> 
> I'm in a situation where he and I haven't talked about what we're looking for but I already am pretty sure this is not long-term potential stuff and I'm not sure whether or not to have this conversation. But it's kind of selfish, right? "I'd like to keep having sex with you but don't see this as a long term relationship thing. Still want to keep having sex with me anyway?" Urgh. Yet, it's honest and nips any potential stringing along in the bud.


I don't think she is material for a FWB. She is already invested. If you don't want to go down that road with her, get out.


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## Healer

Fenix said:


> A couple of things. The whole marriage down thing does sound arrogant to me...depending on how you mean it.


My stbxw is a barfly (has worked in a bar since 1998) who is covered in bad tattoos, had (not sure if she still does) a cocaine habit that I did not know about that put her in bankruptcy, and had an affair with her coke dealer (the reason we split). Her current boyfriend is a bouncer/biker. She showed up to pick the kids up yesterday with a brand new massive tattoo wearing a skin tight Jack Daniels T-shirt. I work in a skyscraper making $120K a year. I married down. Arrogant? I'm OK with that. I look at her and can't believe I was with that woman. But while I was, I loved, honored, respected her and defended her honor at every turn. I NEVER made her feel less than me. She did that herself.

As for the rest of your post...I know she's getting attached. The thing is I don't know that I don't want it to be more than it is for me right now. I'm a bit of a dangerous prospect that way. I'm still "finding myself". Maybe she is "the one". I just don't know. I really do like her. She's smart, funny and sweet. However SHE is a dangerous prospect as well - only separated for 5 months! She's way too fresh off the marriage boat to be thinking about a serious relationship. I'm 1.5 years out and I still don't know what I want. She's fallen fast and hard, but it's too new for her to be real, imo.

Last night (while I was on a date) she texted me a picture of her kissing this local celeb on the cheek. I said that was a great pic. She replied that her ex would have freaked at the picture, she was nervous sending it, she's so glad I was cool with it and it's hard for her to get used to this "normalcy" (meaning me being normal). My thought was "well, I'm not your boyfriend or husband". I'm not sleeping with anyone else right now. If it gets to the point where I want to, I know I should tell her.

I don't know that all I want from her is an "FB". She's more than that. I just don't know how much more at this point. Ugh.

I'm off the meds again (was only on for 1 week). My libido is certainly back.


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## ne9907

Healer said:


> I really do like her. She's smart, funny and sweet. However SHE is a dangerous prospect as well - only separated for 5 months! She's way too fresh off the marriage boat to be thinking about a serious relationship. I'm 1.5 years out and I still don't know what I want. She's fallen fast and hard, but it's too new for her to be real, imo.
> 
> Last night (while I was on a date) *she texted me a picture of her kissing this local celeb on the cheek. I said that was a great pic*. She replied that her ex would have freaked at the picture, she was nervous sending it, she's so glad I was cool with it and it's hard for her to get used to this "normalcy" (meaning me being normal). My thought was "well, I'm not your boyfriend or husband". I'm not sleeping with anyone else right now. If it gets to the point where I want to, I know I should tell her.
> 
> I don't know that all I want from her is an "FB". She's more than that. I just don't know how much more at this point. Ugh.
> 
> I'm off the meds again (was only on for 1 week). My libido is certainly back.


Your relationship with this woman reminds me of what I am going through with my casual flling (that has lasted for five months)
He acts more distand than you though, he has told me from the beginning he wants nothing serious, is not interested in a relationship, and does not want too many feelings getting involved. 
I accepted, although sometimes it is difficult to hold back, I do pretty well. I have crossed the line once (I told him I missed him way too early) He freaked out, i freaked out, we ended things. He too has crossed the line, as far as giving too many mixed signals. I tell him to stop that behavior and he does. 
Seriously, this is the best non-relationship relationship I have ever been in, which in itself says a lot about my previous married life 

I think it is all about communication. If she is mature enough, and has a handle of herself. She will respect your boundaries. You should respect hers as well.


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## Fenix

Healer said:


> My stbxw is a barfly (has worked in a bar since 1998) who is covered in bad tattoos, had (not sure if she still does) a cocaine habit that I did not know about that put her in bankruptcy, and had an affair with her coke dealer (the reason we split). Her current boyfriend is a bouncer/biker. She showed up to pick the kids up yesterday with a brand new massive tattoo wearing a skin tight Jack Daniels T-shirt. I work in a skyscraper making $120K a year. I married down. Arrogant? I'm OK with that. I look at her and can't believe I was with that woman. But while I was, I loved, honored, respected her and defended her honor at every turn. I NEVER made her feel less than me. She did that herself.


 Ah, gotcha. I didn't know if you were talking education/social class growing up etc. 


> As for the rest of your post...I know she's getting attached. The thing is I don't know that I don't want it to be more than it is for me right now. I'm a bit of a dangerous prospect that way. I'm still "finding myself". Maybe she is "the one". I just don't know. I really do like her. She's smart, funny and sweet. However SHE is a dangerous prospect as well - only separated for 5 months! She's way too fresh off the marriage boat to be thinking about a serious relationship. I'm 1.5 years out and I still don't know what I want. She's fallen fast and hard, but it's too new for her to be real, imo.


 You sound like a rebound. Are you fine with that? This relationship may have an expiration date, regardless of what you choose to do.


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## bandit.45

Healer said:


> Haha! Thanks JB! Yes, Sam Cooke and Otis Redding - I owe those dudes a lot. ;-)
> 
> Seeing her again tomorrow night.


I wonder how many human beings walking on this planet owe their existence to Cooke, Redding, Al Green, Marvin Gaye?


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## Healer

Fenix said:


> You sound like a rebound. Are you fine with that? This relationship may have an expiration date, regardless of what you choose to do.


Totally fine with that. I think I started out as someone she was attracted to and wanted to sleep with and she's developed an emotional attachment. It's a rebound no doubt, but her feelings are definitely there. How long they last is anyone's guess. I'm just enjoying the sex and companionship.


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## Healer

bandit.45 said:


> I wonder how many human beings walking on this planet owe their existence to Cooke, Redding, Al Green, Marvin Gaye?


Sooooo many.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> I wonder how many human beings walking on this planet owe their existence to Cooke, Redding, Al Green, Marvin Gaye?


Omg right? Oh man. They are are all great. Al Green's voice does something to me.


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> Totally fine with that. I think I started out as someone she was attracted to and wanted to sleep with and she's developed an emotional attachment. It's a rebound no doubt, but her feelings are definitely there. How long they last is anyone's guess. I'm just enjoying the sex and companionship.


Yeah. The thing about sex is that someone does eventually end up catching feelings. It's extremely difficult for one or both to not feel something when sharing genitals habitually.

You are technically her rebound too since she's only out 5 months from her separation/divorce. She is prob caught up in all the tingly feelings, too but it may pass. 

I say, keep staying honest about the fact you don't want anything outside of the bedroom, use protection, and enjoy.


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah. The thing about sex is that someone does eventually end up catching feelings. It's extremely difficult for one or both to not feel something when sharing genitals habitually.
> 
> You are technically her rebound too since she's only out 5 months from her separation/divorce. She is prob caught up in all the tingly feelings, too but it may pass.
> 
> I say, keep staying honest about the fact you don't want anything outside of the bedroom, use protection, and enjoy.


I'm the only person she's slept with since her separation - and she hadn't had sex with her husband in 4-5 years before they split. Poor woman. No wonder she's a total horndog. She's making up for lost time. Our sex is on fire. 

Regarding protection...well...I had it ready to go the first time, and she wasn't having it. No condoms. She assured me she's been tested and is clean, but didn't even ask me. I know, I know.


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## ne9907

Healer said:


> I'm the only person she's slept with since her separation - and she hadn't had sex with her husband in 4-5 years before they split. Poor woman. No wonder she's a total horndog. She's making up for lost time. Our sex is on fire.
> 
> Regarding protection...well...I had it ready to go the first time, and she wasn't having it. No condoms.* She assured me she's been tested and is clean*, but didn't even ask me. I know, I know.



Does she have children? Could she be looking for a sperm donor? WOW!!! This scares me and I am not even a guy!


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> I'm the only person she's slept with since her separation - and she hadn't had sex with her husband in 4-5 years before they split. Poor woman. No wonder she's a total horndog. She's making up


Oh man. Yeah that does take this to another level. It's called bieng d!ckmatized. And you, my dear, are the culprit. 

Lol.



Healer said:


> Regarding protection...well...I had it ready to go the first time, and she wasn't having it. No condoms. She assured me she's been tested and is clean, but didn't even ask me. I know, I know.


Erm, I will spare you the lecture (no, I won't!), but unless you want some little Healers running around, you better wrap it up or be sure she's on the pill/some other form of contraception. And evenstill, well, you know...


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> Oh man. Yeah that does take this to another level. It's called bieng d!ckmatized. And you, my dear, are the culprit.
> 
> Lol.
> 
> 
> 
> Erm, I will spare you the lecture (no, I won't!), but unless you want some little Healers running around, you better wrap it up or be sure she's on the pill/some other form of contraception. And evenstill, well, you know...


Lol @d!ckmatized. I am, and it's fantastic!

She has a 4 year old and doesn't want more. I was freaked at first of that too - especially not knowing her! Is she some nutter trying for a kid? But nope, she got her kid (artificial insemination, c-section) and she's done. So am I. I have my 2 awesome midgets already.


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## Jellybeans

ne9907 said:


> Does she have children? Could she be looking for a sperm donor? WOW!!! This scares me and I am not even a guy!


:rofl: So funny, Ne.



Healer said:


> She has a 4 year old and doesn't want more. I was freaked at first of that too - especially not knowing her! Is she some nutter trying for a kid? But nope, she got her kid (artificial insemination, c-section) and she's done. So am I. I have my 2 awesome midgets already.


Whew ::wipes forehead brow:: 

Always better to be safe than sorry. Good to know!


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## 4x4

Jellybeans said:


> Oh man. Yeah that does take this to another level. *It's called bieng d!ckmatized. And you, my dear, are the culprit. *
> 
> Lol.
> 
> 
> 
> Erm, I will spare you the lecture (no, I won't!), but unless you want some little Healers running around, you better wrap it up or be sure she's on the pill/some other form of contraception. And evenstill, well, you know...


JB knows how to cut to the chase, I love it! :rofl:


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## bandit.45

Jellybeans said:


> Omg right? Oh man. They are are all great. Al Green's voice does something to me.



The Minister of Love. 

I'm going to go to his church in Memphis someday and hear him preach and sing. He's getting old now so I need to do it soon.


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## Jellybeans

4x4 said:


> JB knows how to cut to the chase, I love it! :rofl:


Thanks. I do what I can.


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## Healer

bandit.45 said:


> The Minister of Love.
> 
> I'm going to go to his church in Memphis someday and hear him preach and sing. He's getting old now so I need to do it soon.


You ever read his story? The boiling grits? Crazy stuff.


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## bandit.45

Healer said:


> You ever read his story? The boiling grits? Crazy stuff.


No. But I will.


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## Jellybeans

Read it, Bandit. Puts the CRAY in the ZAY.

He explained it in a beautifully haunting way in a GQ interview he did once.


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