# Wife says she can't kiss me



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

When we first started seeing each other we would kiss passionately in public (At night, in small little places where it was outside of view from most people). We didn't go right into sex, we waited a couple weeks and the wait was killing us both I would come to find out later. But for those 2 weeks and the first few years of our relationship, kissing was the most important part. My wife even said "Sex is one thing. Kissing is something else and it's very important." Somewhere between then and now she has come to the conclusion that "I can't kiss you because I feel like you're family. You're delicate in some kind of way where I can't kiss you." I asked if she meant it would be like kissing a brother. She said "No. I can't explain it well. It's just I can't do it." I never really noticed that we stopped kissing because the sex was also infrequent. A lot due to the fact that her mother started living with us. The scenario for sex had to be setup and if something was off, sex was a no go. But I felt I had to be patient. I found other ways to deal with my urges, on my own and when she was up for it so was I. BUT...even this morning, while having sex, she couldn't kiss me on the lips. She actually said "1 step at a time." Looking back, I can't recall NOT kissing during sex but I guess somewhere it did. I know that I have to be realistic about sex and intimacy and that with all the pressures we face in life sometimes a date and time is what we need...but I never thought just kissing was out of the question. I asked "Am I unattractive to you?" She said "No. That's not why." And she would be almost angry that I would assume that.

We tried Viagra yesterday. She said her orgasms came on faster and she could have more (She usually has 2 and on occasion 3 if I work hard) but yesterday 4. She was far more lubricated than usual as well, softer. Today we did it without Viagra and she had 2 orgasms. Both of them took more time but she said they lasted longer than when on Viagra. She says she wants to try Viagra again without any food in her stomach (She ate before sex last time and we waited an hour). We've both used MDMA while having sex (In our more dangerous years) and it was great. Many people thought that would kill regular sex but it didn't. We enjoyed it both ways. I know it's going to sound bizarre but I almost wish we had some MDMA so she could get some of that 'Come here baby' in her eyes and words.

Even hugging seems like a task for her. I ask for a hug and she puts her arms around me but it's almost like I'm not there. It's like when you use to have to hug your mom before leaving for school, you didn't want to do it but you knew you weren't going anywhere until she got a hug and so you would just do it.

I've got another thread going in the 'infidelity' part of the forum. She cheated on me (I caught her in the act just before it got to sex) and alcohol and rocky marriage was part of the reason for why it happened and she's accepted blame for it...and in return I've accepted that I haven't been the best of husbands...but as I mention, I'm trying and it seems like she's waiting for something else depending on the day. I'm 2 weeks out after catching her. There are times when she's emotional about everything and times where she's just not at all. The kissing part is killing me now. I shouldn't be begging for the attention. OK...I'm getting off track...so if anybody has any idea on how to bring that passion back into the kiss, to where she actually wants to kiss, please...any advise.

I wish there were a drug to make women horny. I know looks play a part but she has no apparent interest in looks...at least as far as she says. If she wanted abs, she most certainly will see some soon because I've drop weight after this emotional rollercoaster...in an unhealthy way.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This happens a lot.

She can't kiss you becuase she finds it too intimate.

I wrote about it in other threads, and articles, so I will just copy and paste the relevant paragraph here:

*Too much closeness.*
In _Mating In Captivity_ by Esther Perel, the author deals with a very strange phenomenon which applies equally to men and women experiencing lack of interest in sex. It seems that when some people experience the closeness of marital love, it sends them back to their childhood. If they came from a household where there was little physical affection, they tend to gravitate towards that state. "Show me how you were loved as a child, and I will show you how you will love as an adult". That's not an exact quote from the book as I don't have it in front of me, but it gives the general idea.

I found this book useful in that it covered material that is hard to find anywhere else. Her findings came mostly from therapy sessions with her own clients, and the case histories are certainly interesting to read. My own view is that closeness is a strain for some people because they see in the other person things that they can't stand in themselves. Demonising the other person makes it easier to bear, but unfortunately, it has the side-effect of making that person seem undesirable.

Buy her the book - it will open her eyes. It made me quite angry at the time.

Link to original article.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Try the book but if that doesn't work or if she won't read it, then I think it's time to leave. If you are not resentful, then I sure am resentful for you because I don't feel she has been remorseful enough or trying hard enough. She seems awfully selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings after being caught. Honestly, I just think you need to accept all this is a prelude to nowhere. Either she is really ungrateful at the moment and probably a little confused to, or she doesn't want the marriage anymore but is having a hard telling you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Leaving will solve both of those. I know you love her and I know you want the marriage, but you can't keep waiting for her to come around. She is the one who cheated, but you are the one who keeps trying to make amends. No doubt there is where the problem lies. You're driving yourself nuts trying to figure it all out and keep it all together. Leave and that will either be what she wants, or she will straighten up and beg you to come back. Take the chance for your own sanity.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

She had a strict upbringing as an only child in a culture where there are little emotions shown as is. She has admitted to being difficult and being taught at a young age that she can only depend on herself because she's an only child (Taught by her mother). She has said on a number of occasions "I know I'm being selfish." or "I'm the bad and guilty one, not you." What I can't seem to wrap my head around is if she knows this, why not change for the better.

The answer may be that she simply doesn't want to stay but she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she has. Thing is, I gave her the option to leave. I told her I would continue to support financially her and her mother for as long as it took but didn't want her staying with me because she felt it was her only option. I put it on the table 3 times and the first 2 times she said she didn't want that. The 3rd time I offered it up she rolled her eyes in the "You already asked me." kinda way.

She's also admitted that there is a mental problem somewhere. She needs to see a doctor yet she hasn't made an appointment. Her annual checkup is next week but unfortunately there's no visit with a psychologist. She has said she will have more days off next month due to shift changes. 

Her mother living with us has been a downer for years. There is no care for the elderly within our budget and she gets worse and worse. She knows just the right words to send my wife on fire. When this happens, my brain goes bang. Going off topic sorry...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> Her mother living with us has been a downer for years. There is no care for the elderly within our budget and she gets worse and worse. She knows just the right words to send my wife on fire. When this happens, my brain goes bang. Going off topic sorry...


No this is not off topic at all. In fact, this is part of the underlying problem. You could try pointing out to her the dynamic in this very paragraph. 

Please buy that book, and read it. It will give you that ah-ha moment you need. 



> told her I would continue to support financially her and her mother for as long as it took but didn't want her staying with me because she felt it was her only option. I put it on the table 3 times and the first 2 times she said she didn't want that. The 3rd time I offered it up she rolled her eyes in the "You already asked me." kinda way.


You did totally the wrong thing here. This just tells us you are in a symbiotic relationship. You need to be needed. You feel too guilty. So clearly you need to work on yourself also


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

She spent most of her 20's and 30's taking care of a dieing father (On her own) in a country where her mother could barely make enough for them. She worked 2 jobs getting about 4 hours sleep a day most of the week. She's tough and I think if I just left her to deal with her mother on her own she would find a way. She would get herself a night job doing something to pay the bills until her mother passes away. Her father died 3 years ago after almost 18 years in the hospital. She took care of him on her own as well. She's tough that way...

I wish there were a way to work on getting her to kiss me. I will check out the book, thank you.


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