# Psychology Today: Everything's okay - as long as I give him sex



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I laughed out loud after reading the first paragraph. Hmm ... does this dynamic sound familiar to anybody?

Everything's okay - as long as I give him sex.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Not true in my case. My husband is laid back and happy at his core and how much sex we are having has little effect on how he treats me, hence sex has never been an issue.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

P.S. What's with this avi? Are you setting free the inner monster or what?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have a Godzilla thing ... I'm kind of freaked out that our avs are somewhat similar ... you know ... I mean in terms of facial expression. 

Wow. That so did not come out right.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I have a Godzilla thing ... I'm kind of freaked out that our avs are somewhat similar ... you know ... I mean in terms of facial expression.
> 
> Wow. That so did not come out right.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Now that you point it out...yes, it's disturbing. I am part Godzilla. I enjoy eating a few good buildings, yes, buildings.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Lol!!! You are both going in the Will. Decide among yourselves who gets the silver and who gets the fabulous chinaware.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Lol!!! You are both going in the Will. Decide among yourselves who gets the silver and who gets the fabulous chinaware.


Got pics? :smthumbup:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Lol!!! You are both going in the Will. Decide among yourselves who gets the silver and who gets the fabulous chinaware.


Oh do you mean THIS silver and crystalware?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I laughed out loud after reading the first paragraph. Hmm ... does this dynamic sound familiar to anybody?
> 
> Everything's okay - as long as I give him sex.


According to your last post Deej I had to FEED him, not have sex too! Come on! * NO FAIR! *


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare,
You kill me! That picture is a riot. There is a brand of plastic dishes sold here at Kroger and it is called: "Nice 'N' Elegant". I can assure you, it is neither of those two.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

And my dear, when I die you are named in the will to inherit ALL of that Nice N Elegant bone... plasticware! LOL :rofl:

Oh rats--I forgot. Was there a serious topic to this thread?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Affaircare, the pictures you have...where oh where do you get them? I'm definitely going with the China now.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You could always arm-wrestle Brennan once I'm dead. Then you can dine in Nice N Elegant STYLE! :rofl:

Now unless I am mistaken, our Mr. Godzilla  was trying to make a commentary or have a real discussion about this article, and whilst I'm sure that our dining utensils are of the utmost importance, let's do give a TRY to talking about the article. 

I have to say I think my favorite lines were these: 



> Did those days include you initiating more sex? No! their wives answer again. "I was satisfied the last time and hadn't thought about the next." Even though they say they would want more sex if the climate of the home were more peaceful, when it is more peaceful, they don't actually become more sexual


I'm sorry but I swear to God--I'm a woman and that's exactly what I see time after time too. Many/most of my woman friends will say things like "I'm so tired and all he wants is sex. If only he'd XYZ so I'd want sex!" He hears "If I do XYZ she'll want sex" so he does XYZ thinking she'll be turned on! She thinks "Whew now I don't have to do that anymore!" ~SNORE~ and she rolls over and goes to sleep...so he stops doing XYZ, and she complains about it. 

:scratchhead: 

I seriously don't get that. It makes no sense. If I say "If you'd do XYZ, I'd initiate" and then he does XYZ...I think it's reasonable for him to at least HOPE that I initiate like I said I would! And if I don't, I darn well better explain to him about the flood...or fire...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Deejo,

Thank you for posting this article.

Seeing these things in maintstream print that we already discuss and analyze in detail, is very interseting indeed. 

From article:


> Even though they say they would want more sex if the climate of the home were more peaceful, when it is more peaceful, they don't actually become more sexual. The idea of sex seems to go out the window for them.


Negotiating for sex, bartering, doing housework for sex, these things never work. 



> *Based on their statements* of how things work for them sexually, it's a conundrum.


You know, this is very sly way of saying "Don't believe what a woman says about sex". 

Glad it was Ms. Laurie Watson saying this and not me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

"I think the answer is sex has become part of a quid pro quo. It's is a chip on the bargaining table. Unfortunately when sex is ensnared in the power struggle for both participants - the soul of the experience is dead."

This seems the truest to me. This is why I feel a lot of times advice to folk on these boards is somehow too shallow or missing the point though I have no idea what to offer instead. Ask her nicely. Massage her feet.... There is something deeper to look at.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think some of that is accurate.

Most guys can put up with a lot of issues within the marriage as long as their sexual needs are met. There is a balance and when their needs are met, they are more apt to meet their spouse's needs.

The problem comes from one side meeting the other's and the other feeling that the status quo is fine. So wife meeting the husband's sexual needs and him ignoring her need for non-sexual intimacy or her need for appreciation for taking care of two kids for 12 hours every day isn't going to work.

Unfortunately there's always one thing that sets this off. maybe she wasn't interested in sex for a few days. His needs aren't met and withdraws the non-sexual intimacy. She misses that and withdraws more. pretty soon you have two angry people.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, that's what happened to my husband and i except i was the one missing out on sex and he was the one missing out on understanding, respect and support. I was too busy with life and supporting us to actually care about what he was going through (he was unemployed, confused, learning to be an adult at 18 and hold a family). He withdrew and didn't want to have sex. I felt like he "owed" it to me because i was doing my best for us to be ok. He felt more neglected. I cared less about giving him anything. We were both right and wrong, we just failed to understand eachother's needs. That's how you usually end up with two miserable people, both yelling about what the other has done.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think it comes from a lack of intimacy and lust. The question is will mastering your significant other's love language be enough to really get what you want? Too much in our lives leads us away from our passion and the inner workings of our minds that create lust and intimacy with others. The more you add the farther away you get until it seems like all lust/intimacy is gone.

It's work because our lifestyles make it work.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Deejo,
> 
> Thank you for posting this article.
> 
> ...


Indeed - the clucking and cackling would never end.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

NoLongerSad said:


> It's unfortunate that so many women are socialized to view their sexuality as simply a bargaining chip or quid pro quo as the author states.
> 
> But the real problem is that someone has mis-educated these women on conditioned responses and behavioral modification techniques.
> 
> ...


What if the actual stimulus is that women do not have desire to have sex instead of lacking the need/want. They willingly barter for sex to get things in return because they don't want to have sex to begin with. The men become like the child that has a mother with candy. All the control is actually in the woman's hands if this is the case. She may not even recognize it because maybe even she is baffled as to why she doesn't have desire and has no actual conscious recognition of what is going on.

The end result are confused women and resentful husbands.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> What if the actual stimulus is that women do not have desire to have sex instead of lacking the need/want. They willingly barter for sex to get things in return because they don't want to have sex to begin with. The men become like the child that has a mother with candy. All the control is actually in the woman's hands if this is the case. She may not even recognize it because maybe even she is baffled as to why she doesn't have desire and has no actual conscious recognition of what is going on.
> 
> The end result are confused women and resentful husbands.


Careful where those thoughts lead. You'll be joining 'the other side'.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Careful where those thoughts lead. You'll be joining 'the other side'.


Don't you get it though? The other side is just as flawed. It dictates that men need to ignore a woman because she doesn't know what's good for her and basic, biological manipulation is all it takes to get a sex filled marriage.

I ask myself this...if I were truly in love with a woman why would manipulating sex from her ever be enough to keep me in a relationship? Unless, of course, I believe that she were the child and I knew better. It turns the power struggle in the relationship around but does not address the actual problem.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> Don't you get it though? The other side is just as flawed. It dictates that men need to ignore a woman because she doesn't know what's good for her and basic, biological manipulation is all it takes to get a sex filled marriage.
> 
> I ask myself this...if I were truly in love with a woman why would manipulating sex from her ever be enough to keep me in a relationship? Unless, of course, I believe that she were the child and I knew better. It turns the power struggle in the relationship around but does not address the actual problem.


Maybe that's the big difference. You see it as something that needs fixing, something flawed. I don't. I see it as something that you need to adjust to, and once you do - everything works just fine. Apparently your husband and I have more similar beliefs than you care to acknowledge.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Maybe that's the big difference. You see it as something that needs fixing, something flawed. I don't. I see it as something that you need to adjust to, and once you do - everything works just fine. Apparently your husband and I have more similar beliefs than you care to acknowledge.


How are you two similar in belief?

I get that this is pointless but I'm sure after trying very hard to understand that it is you and others that are unwilling to adjust and more than willing to discount.

This crap might work but it's not good enough. On that my husband and I both agree. I talk to him all the time about this, the philosophy and the attitudes as they bother me. He's disinterested and basically said selfish men who don't love their woman have to discount women as an excuse to get what they want at a woman's expense and good men count them as equals naturally allowing them to meet their woman's needs better because they want to. It's not a chore, it's a gift. That's his simple take. If you are in love with the person you want to do things for them and they want to do things for you. All else is selfish nonsense. You are with him on this? I would be surprised.

He then told me to stop the futile back and forth...in fact, he uses the terms futile and irrelevant a lot when I bring up TAM. lol


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> How are you two similar in belief?
> 
> I get that this is pointless but I'm sure after trying very hard to understand that it is you and others that are unwilling to adjust and more than willing to discount.
> 
> ...


That's because he's listening to your testimony about it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> How are you two similar in belief?


 We're both lookers, and are fascinated by volatile women.



> This crap might work but it's not good enough. On that my husband and I both agree. I talk to him all the time about this, the philosophy and the attitudes as they bother me. He's disinterested and basically said selfish men who don't love their woman have to discount women as an excuse to get what they want at a woman's expense and good men count them as equals naturally allowing them to meet their woman's needs better because they want to. It's not a chore, it's a gift. That's his simple take. If you are in love with the person you want to do things for them and they want to do things for you. All else is selfish nonsense.


Ok, I am limiting the 'crap' to the concept of quid pro quo behavior for sex. So try this ... shut him down for a month.
Don't tell him. Don't explain. Just reject his advances, subtly or overtly, doesn't matter. You can be intimate. Snuggle to your hearts content, but don't let him put his filthy man-hands on your divine womanly treasures. He cannot possess you. During this exercise you can for yourself determine if your husband continues to hold you upon the noble altar of selfless love, and unerringly behaves as the prince you believe him to be, or, observe if he doesn't get the littlest bit antsy and cantankerous. I don't expect you to do it, but I can tell you that either one of two things would happen; he would withdraw and start becoming resentful, if not confrontational or he would start trying harder to please you wondering what he has done wrong. 



> You are with him on this? I would be surprised.


Are you happy? Is he happy? Then yup, I'm with him. Like I said before, he's got your number.



> He then told me to stop the futile back and forth...in fact, he uses the terms futile and irrelevant a lot when I bring up TAM. lol


So are nipples on men, but there they are ...
Besides, we're giving you and your husband material to bond over. We're helping you get laid. See? It works.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Okay, I must be the only woman on the planet who doesn't have an agenda for sex. I kid!! 
I have a higher sex drive than hubby and I take what I can get. I don't tell him to do the dishes or dust or any other bull**** as foreplay to sex. I don't hold sex over his head, never have, never will. Sorry, Captain Morgan is setting in. Just wanted to get that out there. 
Look, life is short or it can be really long if you are with the wrong person. I truly love my husband. We are going through a rough time but we will make it through.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

High drive females and low drive males often end up in a similar dynamic.

But it's like compounding negative interest. If he isn't meeting your needs in the bedroom, in addition to not meeting your needs contributing to household and parenting, than all of what the low drive partner _isn't_ doing gets wrapped up in the ever-growing resentment snowball careening wildly down the mountain.

Thus, why we seek ways to ignite and perpetuate desire. If that is construed as manipulation, so be it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

We are open and honest with one another. Why would I ever want to do that to him or to me? I won't.

Conrad, again, that's a convenient stance.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton,

That's a convenient stance.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> We are open and honest with one another. Why would I ever want to do that to him or to me?


The fields here are strewn with people wondering the exact same thing - yet in those cases, it is exactly what their spouse was doing. And let's not be quite so absolute here. I really appreciate you taking ownership of what led you here - and by your own admission "open and honest with one another" wasn't always the case.

You recovered. I didn't. Many others here didn't. Many here face circumstances and ex-spouses that make my travails look like a visit to Disney Land.

Do those experiences color our perception? Without a doubt.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The fields here are strewn with people wondering the exact same thing - yet in those cases, it is exactly what their spouse was doing.


That is the thing that makes me scratch my head. I can't help wondering what was going through THEIR heads? I mean I am guessing you did not marry a douche who just did not care. Or maybe you did. Maybe THAT was the mistake? I don't know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The fields here are strewn with people wondering the exact same thing - yet in those cases, it is exactly what their spouse was doing. And let's not be quite so absolute here. I really appreciate you taking ownership of what led you here - and by your own admission "open and honest with one another" wasn't always the case.
> 
> You recovered. I didn't. Many others here didn't. Many here face circumstances and ex-spouses that make my travails look like a visit to Disney Land.
> 
> Do those experiences color our perception? Without a doubt.


And - if I may - IF their testimony is true (and it surely is), why is it such a bad thing to help them get off dead center in their relationship?

Why is it such a bad thing to give someone like "rd" a few ideas to try in his relationship that may help his wife view him differently?

What is so bleeping bad about that?

And why the posse of harpies that insist it's a bad thing?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually there was an exercise once that I thought was pretty brilliant--almost the exact opposite of what Deejo proposed to Trenton. Agree ahead of time with your spouse to have sex every day whether you "feel like it or not" for 14 days. The idea of this exercise is to take away the usual "bargaining chip" that sex is: men saying they do chores and don't get any...women saying "do chores and you'll get laid" ...all that is taken away. Obviously on the days when you have sex "whether you feel like it or not" it may not be the Whiz-Bang-Kazowie kind but quickies do count and at least it's occurring on a regular basis with no strings attached. 

Know what happens? Invariably one partner or the other will realize just how often they have used sex as a bargaining chip, not necessarily intending to be controlling, but in the end that's exactly what they're doing! Here's a sample journal entry of a couple who did this (thanks to my colleagues at ONE Extraordinary Marriage): 


> Was I willing to give up my excuses (I’m tired, it’s been a long day, I don’t feel like it, etc.) and commit to saying YES every day? I’m sure every husband reading this is probably thinking that this would be the ultimate gift. However, I had become very comfortable controlling the frequency of sex in our marriage. If I was in the mood for it then we would make love, otherwise sorry. *Was I willing to relinquish that power I had over our sexual intimacy?*


There it is ... It's a power struggle. Are you willing to let go of it?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Hello,

the tigress is here!

In Chinese, we say women who are at 30's are like wolves, women who are at 40's are like tigresses( fierce level of sexual desire), I am not 40 yet, but I am reaching there soon. So tigress I am!

I am on the opposite, very often I have to pay my husband for sex.  Imagine us in a hotel, and I give him money after sex. 

It is difficult for me to relate. But I do wonder how people can work out their difference when one wants sex and the other one doesn't want. This is a tough issue. 

For example, in this marriage, the man has a high sex drive, the woman doesn't. Can he demand his sex rights. I know that men don't like women who are demanding, some women are demanding for material stuff, some women are demanding for time, some men don't like it. They say these women are too demanding. Should men be demanding for sex? 

Sex is not a problem for me, but if I put myself into the position of most women who have low sex drive, what would I do to make my husband happy? 

No matter what, making each other happy is important since you want this marriage to stay long!!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

GP.
You pay your husband for sex? Odd, from the KING?!
((TMI)) for what I posted. Eeep!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brennan said:


> GP.
> You pay your husband for sex? Odd, from the KING?!
> Guess what I did last night to get laid? Got undressed. Boy shorts and all. I didn't have to dress with a thong and nipple clamps. It just was. That's how I role.


Is there a subject anywhere who does not pay the KING tribute?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Brennan said:


> GP.
> You pay your husband for sex? Odd, from the KING?!
> ((TMI)) for what I posted. Eeep!


I was joking!

We joke all the time. 

Sometimes I pretend to give him money after I use him as my "boy toy"

When he is the king, he gets royal treatment. 

I always imagine all these kinky stuff! 

My imagination is always good!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Brennan,

I hopped on him yesterday morning while he was still half awake. I felt bad for waking him up, he said it was his honor to serve me! 

Then last night when he wanted some, he couldn't. RED LIGHT!

I was giggling a lot. 

Very often I am a very bad girl!!!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The fields here are strewn with people wondering the exact same thing - yet in those cases, it is exactly what their spouse was doing. And let's not be quite so absolute here. I really appreciate you taking ownership of what led you here - and by your own admission "open and honest with one another" wasn't always the case.
> 
> You recovered. I didn't. Many others here didn't. Many here face circumstances and ex-spouses that make my travails look like a visit to Disney Land.
> 
> Do those experiences color our perception? Without a doubt.


I'm always very open, honest and outspoken, it's not something that just happened. There was no recovery. I am volatile as you said and I googled to make sure it was true. It's not easy being fickle and confused by the varying waves of emotion that wash over me. My husband must be a good surfer? Sheesh.

Yes, everyone should just take surfing lessons. My new mantra.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Brennan,
> 
> I hopped on him yesterday morning while he was still half awake. I felt bad for waking him up, he said it was his honor to serve me!
> 
> ...


Please don't end this with a good spanking. Pleeeeaaaase.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> And - if I may - IF their testimony is true (and it surely is), why is it such a bad thing to help them get off dead center in their relationship?
> 
> Why is it such a bad thing to give someone like "rd" a few ideas to try in his relationship that may help his wife view him differently?
> 
> ...


I'm in a posse. Neat. It's not a bad thing but it could be better you harpy hater, you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Please don't end this with a good spanking. Pleeeeaaaase.


I get spanked a lot during the day!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I'm in a posse. Neat. It's not a bad thing but it could be better you harpy hater, you.


I don't hate women any more than they do.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I don't hate women any more than they do.


Don't hate me because I am sexy!!! 

Da da da.......................


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You know what is sexy...a woman who leaves a little to the imagination. Somebody who doesn't put it all out there and somebody who has some mystery. A slow tease if you will. A wink, a look, a kiss, a touch. Slowly drape your shirt off your shoulder and let it fall to the floor. Unbutton your jeans and let them be pulled off. Mystery. Showing it all, isn't sexy. At least according to my hubby.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Brennan said:


> You know what is sexy...a woman who leaves a little to the imagination. Somebody who doesn't put it all out there and somebody who has some mystery. A low tease if you will. A wink, a look, a kiss, a touch. Slowly drape your shirt off your shoulder and let it fall to the floor. Unbutton your jeans and let them be pulled off. Mystery. Showing it all, istn't sexy. At least according to my hubby.


Yes, yes, yes. 

And dance............. MEN love that.................

Too bad I can't watch your show.......................

I put up shows for my husband sometimes................

Although my show is very farm girl style...........

ha ha ha............................


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I don't hate women any more than they do.


Not in my world and I plan on staying here.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Yes, yes, yes.
> 
> And dance............. MEN love that.................
> 
> ...


I posted once about a sexual interaction I had and got slack for it from men. It was considered bragging. I don't know why it's not from you. If I told you some of the things my husband and I have done I'm sure I could make many blush. I do love sex. Brennan loves sex. Sex isn't even the problem in our relationships oddly. Our sex life is fantastic and I enjoy it so very, very, very much. In fact, besides vacation with him where there was a lot of sex...I'd say sex is the best thing in our relationship.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I posted once about a sexual interaction I had and got slack for it from men. It was considered bragging. I don't know why it's not from you. If I told you some of the things my husband and I have done I'm sure I could make many blush. I do love sex. Brennan loves sex. Sex isn't even the problem in our relationships oddly. Our sex life is fantastic and I enjoy it so very, very, very much. In fact, besides vacation with him where there was a lot of sex...I'd say sex is the best thing in our relationship.


I am their buddy.  

Now we are all buddies. 

When we are buddies, we share our happy life with one another, we are happy for one another. Our happiness become everybody's happiness. 

Sex is one wonderful gift GOD gives us, if there is a GOD. 

Happy sex life can really make our life happy, and it does help make other problems disappear.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't think it's because you're their buddy. I think it's because they don't find you threatening or maybe they can't relate to your husband at all; you're peaceful and easy. Crazy sex with me is amazing but it is hard work and I am more like the women men here meet day to day. You're their fantasy while I'm their reality. We're different. I'm not insulting you here so please don't think I am.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I don't think it's because you're their buddy. I think it's because they don't find you threatening or maybe they can't relate to your husband at all; you're peaceful and easy. Crazy sex with me is amazing but it is hard work and I am more like the women men here meet day to day. You're their fantasy while I'm their reality. We're different. I'm not insulting you here so please don't think I am.


You are right, I am not threatening to them. 

I tease them, that's about it. 

I have been thinking about something today, in a marriage, both man and woman should work hard to earn each other's respect. VT mentioned this other website, they call love bank. 

We can't just demand respect or love, we earn it. 

What do we do to earn it, that's something we have to figure out. 

What should men do to earn their wives' respect and love? 

What should women do to earn their husbands' respect and love? 

We all have to take the initiative role, and work on ourselves instead of expecting them to change for us. 

We charm them, and let them fall for us!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

GP you are exceedingly refreshing.

Plus you have the ability to communicate in English so very well even though you probably have a language background of Mandarin or similar where one squiggly symbol can have so many different meanings depending on its context.

I know just how difficult it is to learn Mandarin, I have a niece who’s learnt something like 2,000 symbols (?) and apparently they have about 8,000 meanings? She now works as a business facilitator between England and China. She’s an exceedingly bright young lady, just a bit younger than yourself.

And you learn so very quickly about different “cultural social environments”. What’s more you not only learn you change and adapt as well. Your very positive change has been evident in the short while you’ve been on the forum.

Bob


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> What should men do to earn their wives' respect and love?
> 
> What should women do to earn their husbands' respect and love?


What do PEOPLE do?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> GP you are exceedingly refreshing.
> 
> Plus you have the ability to communicate in English so very well even though you probably have a language background of Mandarin or similar where one squiggly symbol can have so many different meanings depending on its context.
> 
> ...


  

My Chinese is much better than my English. 

On those Chinese forums, I really charmed people with my unique way of using Chinese! My jokes really made people laugh.  Patting myself! That's what I do often! 

Mandarin is easy to learn, its grammar is not as difficult as English. After you learn how to pronounce those words, things come easily!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> What do PEOPLE do?


VT, 

I know what I should do in our marriage. 

My husband knows what he should do in our marriage. 

We have understood each other very well and we know what we like and what we don't like. 

But our way of living can't be the same as other people's on this planet. 

One time you mentioned that you husband said that people should figure out who they are and what they want, I really agree with it. 

A couple has to find out how to please each other and make each other happy, and do it!

It is hard work, but hard work turns out happy life, it is worthwhile!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ah GP! But some people's "happiness" is conflict and misery!!!

Bob


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Ah GP! But some people's "happiness" is conflict and misery!!!
> 
> Bob


Indeed.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Ah GP! But some people's "happiness" is conflict and misery!!!
> 
> Bob


You got me.

I don't know how to reply!

I used to have a heavy chest when I felt bothered. 

I really hate that feeling. 

I am glad I don't have that kind of feeling anymore!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> A couple has to find out how to please each other and make each other happy, and do it!
> 
> It is hard work, but hard work turns out happy life, it is worthwhile!


It sounds simple, like DUH everyone knows that. But I think you have hit the nail on the head. We have to be willing to let ourselves go to please the OTHER. How many people get stuck defending their territory, needs, wants and forget to take care of their SPOUSE? I KNOW in my gut what *I* want. It takes concentration, effort and thought to understand what HE wants.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It sounds simple, like DUH everyone knows that. But I think you have hit the nail on the head. We have to be willing to let ourselves go to please the OTHER. How many people get stuck defending their territory, needs, wants and forget to take care of their SPOUSE? I KNOW in my gut what *I* want. It takes concentration, effort and thought to understand what HE wants.


Sometimes we just think that our husband or wife should know what we want, we think that we are simple and easy to understand, but it is really not like this. 

That's why good communication skills are so important in a marriage. 

We can't bottle things up and then explode one day. We yell and scream: Why did you hurt me like this? 

We can't just ignore it and think we will be fine tomorrow, a lot of marriages fall apart because of silent treatment. 

That's why we have to sit down with our husband or wife and tell them: Sweet, What do you like to eat? What kind of places to you like to go to. What kind of people do you like to talk to? What kind of future life do you want to have?.................

By asking these kind of questions often, we will open to each other and then he or she will just be so happy to tell you what they like, and we put effort into fulfilling their needs, they are even happier. Of course, in a healthy relationship, both of the wife and husband have the same motivation. Both of them have to give, not just take!

When we see things are being played fair, we are happy!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> You got me.
> 
> I don't know how to reply!
> 
> ...


“Being” happy or “being” miserable is an “art” we learn as a child. If an adult learnt how to be miserable as a child, then they will be miserable as an adult. They will be pessimists rather than optimists.

If the miserable, pessimistic adult wants to be happy and optimistic, then they must learn how to be that way. Happiness is an “art” in the same way that being miserable is an “art”. Both happy and miserable people have one thing in common and that is they are very artful about it all. A happy person creates their own world of happiness as does a miserable person create their own world of misery.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> “Being” happy or “being” miserable is an “art” we learn as a child. If an adult learnt how to be miserable as a child, then they will be miserable as an adult. They will be pessimists rather than optimists.
> 
> If the miserable, pessimistic adult wants to be happy and optimistic, then they must learn how to be that way. Happiness is an “art” in the same way that being miserable is an “art”. Both happy and miserable people have one thing in common and that is they are very artful about it all. A happy person creates their own world of happiness as does a miserable person create their own world of misery.
> 
> Bob



I belive this very much :iagree: but it scares me as I have 1 child that is the most pessimistic little bomb of emotion I have ever seen, he whines about everything, annoys everyone & creates his own misfortune daily. Not sure what to do with him. I don't give him his way at all. But this hasn't helped anything either -he started a drama fest this morning simply because he felt I should be getting his spoon for his cereal.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I belive this very much :iagree: but it scares me as I have 1 child that is the most pessimistic little bomb of emotion I have ever seen, he whines about everything, annoys everyone & creates his own misfortune daily. Not sure what to do with him. I don't give him his way at all. But this hasn't helped anything either -he started a drama fest this morning simply because he felt I should be getting his spoon for his cereal.



Have you though about a food allergy? It’s funny you should mention cereal. I hadn’t had any for breakfast for 6 months and I don’t have milk with drinks … so no milk at all for 6 months. Then I got some cereal and milk … and had an allergic reaction to it! It took about four days to pass! I could give you the symptoms, essentially bloating and aches in the muscles. Felt pretty miserable for a few days.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Have you though about a food allergy?


 No, it is an all day thing - regardless of good food, bad food, no food. He is the middle child and husband feels the 2 older boys pick on him too much, he tells them they are going to turn him into an ax murderer someday (he can be extreme in his joking). Kids seem to enjoy ticking him off -cause he gets SO bent out of shape. I don't know, I just keep hoping he will grow out of this whining overly emotional behavior as he matures. He wants things done his way , has no patience at all or he outwardly shows his distress to whomever is present. Starts stomping his feet, whining, yelling. 

We rarely give him his way, so he is mad much of the time. Thankfully the rest are more mild tempered, so our house is not total chaos - even with as many kids as we have. Got to have one who upsets the apple cart . He is it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I belive this very much :iagree: but it scares me as I have 1 child that is the most pessimistic little bomb of emotion I have ever seen, he whines about everything, annoys everyone & creates his own misfortune daily. Not sure what to do with him. I don't give him his way at all. But this hasn't helped anything either -he started a drama fest this morning simply because he felt I should be getting his spoon for his cereal.


Wow that is a drag and can make for some stressful home life. Have you considered duct tape? Ok just kidding.

I used to run a daycare. Have a lot of kid reading and workshops under my belt. If you have the discipline angle down, like it is not just a manifestation poor limit setting, then the next thing I woudl ask myself is two thing

- Does he feel he has control over elements of his life. My kids are small. Not sure what age he is. My kids 9 and 7 have chores. They have hand in deciding who does what chores. We all put our most hated out there. Someone picks up the ones they hate less, for instance. The kids pick what is to be for dinner one day a week. They can dress like clowns and freeze their little bums off for all I care.... I feel that this helps them feel in control of their destiny. 

- Does he feel capable about the things around him? Does he have and understand routines for accomplishing things? Does he get exposure to problem solving skills. 7yo today walked over to the counter today and knocked over the can of tomatoes. Not a word of rebuke from me she walked over to the roll of paper towels and cleaned it up. She felt happy that she was capable to deal with her world.

- Does he get enough sleep? This is, apparently, becoming such an issue that we would get regular newletters from school with new research on how to help your kid get enough sleep. With all the scheduling challenges modern families face, apparently kids are not getting all the sleep they need. Apparently some studies also seem to show that screen time resets your ... something or other rythms making your sleep triggers feel that they have been reset when no sleep has occured.... That may be horse pucky though. Not sure.

He may just have a sour disposition. That is kinda sad! Who wants that for their child? 

I have no idea if my comments are the slightest helpful. But I tried!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> No, it is an all day thing - regardless of good food, bad food, no food. He is the middle child and husband feels the 2 older boys pick on him too much, he tells them they are going to turn him into an ax murderer someday (he can be extreme in his joking). Kids seem to enjoy ticking him off -cause he gets SO bent out of shape. I don't know, I just keep hoping he will grow out of this whining overly emotional behavior as he matures. He wants things done his way , has no patience at all or he outwardly shows his distress to whomever is present. Starts stomping his feet, whining, yelling.
> 
> We rarely give him his way, so he is mad much of the time. Thankfully the rest are more mild tempered, so our house is not total chaos - even with as many kids as we have. Got to have one who upsets the apple cart . He is it.


Ah! He'll be a Rebel then. The world needs a rebel or two.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Wow that is a drag and can make for some stressful home life. Have you considered duct tape? Ok just kidding.



I kid you not, my older boys had friends over last week, I came home from running an errand & this child was telling me how they Ducttaped his mouth! I should have been more irate I suppose but said "Well, I see they didn’t cover your nose !" You see, he keeps putting himself into the battle, he is bothering his older brothers when their friends are here, making himself a pest. Always about getting the PS3 & our big screen TV. ONe of them carries duct tape everywhere. BIzarre I know. But my older boys swear they didnt do it, only talked about it. This son is always seeking attention. 



vthomeschoolmom said:


> - Does he feel he has control over elements of his life.


 This is a funny question - Answer is -NOT as much as HE wants!! I have had to literally argue with him time & time again WHY he can not babysit & rule over his 2 older brothers when I go out. 

He has a few chores, feeding & watering the dog. No much. If he makes a mess, he pretty much cleans it or he knows he will catch H from me. He knows what is expected for the most part. It is just if one thing sets him off, he snowballs into pessimistic whiny mode, about the spoon this morning, it was less about that than something else he was mad about - I forget now. 

You must be a mom who home schools? To me, that would be like death. . Love my kids, but this is where my patience is the thinnest. 

It is not about sleep, all of my kids have TOO MUCH energy, another point of contention is this child (in elementary) always gets up the same time as his High School brothers & they hate this, they want that hour to themselves. Even though I was on only child, I guess I see all of this as normal sibling squabbling, I had friends where the brothers chased each other around with ball bats. I just wanted to acknowlege that Yes, this one has a pessimistic slant to him. 

I believe it is part genetics, seems to take after some of my family members on one of my parents sides. I try to read my kids & I just know his primary Love language is "Words of Afffirmation " - God help us with that one, as he is so annoying sometimes, I am not able to tell him how wonderful he is. We look for moments but I don’t want to praise him too much either. He seems to like to brag about his accomplishments -probably because he is not getting enough praise. He seems to NEED a truck load of attention. I am especially good to the friends he does have, as I want them to keep coming back. He doesn't get along with other kids nearly as well as all of my other children do. 

This stuff is more for the parenting forum though!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> “Being” happy or “being” miserable is an “art” we learn as a child. If an adult learnt how to be miserable as a child, then they will be miserable as an adult. They will be pessimists rather than optimists.
> 
> If the miserable, pessimistic adult wants to be happy and optimistic, then they must learn how to be that way. Happiness is an “art” in the same way that being miserable is an “art”. Both happy and miserable people have one thing in common and that is they are very artful about it all. A happy person creates their own world of happiness as does a miserable person create their own world of misery.
> 
> Bob


I had been hurt a lot by people. I don't blame those people who had hurt me anymore, I blame myself for being naive and got myself hurt by people. 

I have been reading this book again, a great book about achieving inner peace. It says: It is not good to stay upset, when we are upset because of others, we are punishing ourselves by other people's foolishness. 

Once I read this sentence, it says that we cause our own trouble and our own unhappiness. We let small things bother us. If big problems appeared, these small problems will disappear right away. 

For example, feel sad because he forgot my birthday, feel bad that he said something inconsiderate, feel bothered than people did something to me. Keep on feeling sad.............. But when you know that you are going to lose your job tomorrow, all of these small problems disappear right away, you have no time to think about them anymore, you have to figure out how to get a job soon. So why do we waste our time and energy staying bothered by small things? 

That's what I have learned, as long as our jobs are fine, our safety is fine, our marriage is fine, I am happy................

For small things, they come and go, I don't want to waste my time thinking too much about it. 

I am trying so hard on TAM because I like this forum, I like people here, you guys are loving. And so many people are here seeking help and advice, I can't do much, but I want to be one who can contribute a little bit. If every day I am able to comfort one person, I am happy.............


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I kid you not, my older boys had friends over last week, I came home from running an errand & this child was telling me how they Ducttaped his mouth! I should have been more irate I suppose but said "Well, I see they didn’t cover your nose !" You see, he keeps putting himself into the battle, he is bothering his older brothers when their friends are here, making himself a pest. Always about getting the PS3 & our big screen TV. ONe of them carries duct tape everywhere. BIzarre I know. But my older boys swear they didnt do it, only talked about it. This son is always seeking attention.
> 
> This is a funny question - Answer is -NOT as much as HE wants!! I have had to literally argue with him time & time again WHY he can not babysit & rule over his 2 older brothers when I go out.
> 
> ...


Being a mother is not easy, that's what I can only say. 

Boys are more difficult to deal with when they are little, when they are at junior high school, they grow up suddenly, my observation of my students. At elementary school, they are naughty, they don't want to do their homework, they want to play, but when they hit junior high, they will pay attention to you in class, they do their homework, they become mature........

Girls, good students in elementary school, but when they hit junior high, some of them wander away. 

I watch out for those girls who like to look pretty! They tend to wander away!


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