# Wife and her ex



## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

Hi guys,

my first post here and unfortunately it is not a pleasant one.

I need some advice ASAP as I am planning to confront my wife in an hour or so (on my lunch break...I'm in Australia).

Here's a little background first:

My wife and I have been together for over 3 years (almost 4) and married for 14 months.
We're in love, without a shadow of doubt.
She loves me like crazy and I love her just as same if not more.

Before we met she had broken up with a guy (her ex) and they stayed in touch.
Not like friends or anything but my wife used to text him quite often, see what he was up to etc..

Fast forward to present day.

We have had a MAJOR MAJOR argument about 6 months ago.
It got to the point that I moved out to give her some space to think and after a few weeks we got back together.
Thing that hurt me though, as soon as we broke up she contacted her ex and they went for coffee.

Nothing happened (so she tells me) but she wanted to meet up and cut all contacts with him.
This hurt me like hell and she knew that so she said she'd never contact him again.

Prior to that they also used to text eachother late at night and when I would ask "WHY"? She would get REALLY defensive and always use the words...
"It's just innocent texts, Im asking him about his work etc.."

Later on I found out that this guy NEVER knew my wife got married??
He though she had a short term boyfriend?

Last night:

I was working on some stuff for work and had to open my email.
Firefox wasn't working so I opened Internet explorer which we NEVER use, but it just happened to be minimized and ready to go.

As soon as I type in hotmail dot com, her email opened.
I KNOW I shouldn't have but I opened the ONE and only email in the sent items folder.

Without opening it, it looked like it was sent to a bunch of people, promoting my wife's new website.
When I opened it though, there was NO ONE in the TO: column, only a BCC to her ex boyfriend.


WHY???

She went out of her way to secretly email him after promising me she'd never get in touch with him again as she know it hurts me deeply when they talk.
As I said, she had emailed/text msg'd him many times in the past so she is CLEARLY thinking about him???

It hurts me deeply and I am thinking about confronting her about this email in about an hour or so.

Or should I just leave it?

I'm at work and I'm shaking. I can't think, my heart is pounding and my palms are almost wet.


What do I do???


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Show her what you found. Confront her for the lying slag she is and then show her the door. She's still in love with her ex and you are second choice; you probably always were. So sorry friend.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm at work and I'm doing my hardest to hold back my tears.
This woman is the love of my life and when I'm around her I am on top of the world.

I've asked her before about him and she said i'd never be her 'second best' but i've ALWAYS suspected she wasn't over him.

It's going to be a messy phone call as if I ever accuse her of anything and 10/10 times I have been right, she gets REALLY defensive and gets angry at ME??

I'm just gonna call her and ask her politely.
Whatever happens, happens.

All I've ever asked from her was trust and honesty.

They're both about to be broken very soon.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What was the content of the e-mail?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

You don't have to be polite about it. Dude, she never told her Ex she was married. Red Flag. She told you that she cut all contact with him. Yet, they still text each other now you've found a secret e-amail to him. It doesn't take a rocket sciencist dude. 

Do you think she would tolerate this kind of behavior from you?


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

there was no 'personal' message, just a link to her website and a little spiel about it.

Thing that bothers me is that she ONLY sent it to him, as to initiate contact?

Then the other day, (i forgot to mention) she changed her name on FB, so people can't find her (she gets a lot of friend requests from strangers).

I asked if she changed her name so in case her ex tried to look for her he didn't see her new last name (my surname) on there and found out she was married?

Again...she got really defensive, angry and didn't want to talk about it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay calm and work up a plan, you may want to wait and get your thoughts together. Sleeping on this will better prepare you for a more effective confrontation.

Spend the time to gather up the evidence and prepare your self to just let her go ..if need be.

the last thing you want to do is start begging and crying for your marriage. It never works. So take the time to gather up your confidence and confront her with a calm and indifference to her when you approach her. She needs to see a different man infront of her. what ever the case she must not see the angry guy or the pitiful guy, this only justifies why she thinks she step out of the M.

Showing her you can and will move on with out her after you expose her affair. Never reveal your source and simplely inform her that she can come clean now or we can continue this in court.

Let her speak and no matter what she says you have one point and one point only and that is her coming clean. You may want to bait her with what you know but that has the possiblity of you lossing your resource inconfirming her commitment(if she makes one). it is up to her to take the steps to keep you around. Do not apologize for her affair, she will for sure try to blameshift.

So no matter what do not show her the man you once were, but a different stronger man that will not tolorate her behavior. With calmness and firm ness let her know if she is to be for given you need to hear in her own words what you are forgiving her for. Any thing else will she you how unremorseful she is for her adultous behavior.

Again worst mistake is confronting with out proof, second mistake it cring and begging.

The thing about not having proof is it is so easy for cheater to persuade the loyal that they are crazy. But with out rvealing your sourec you will have this confidence about you that she will beable to read off you that say "he knows"...will she admit? IDK. but id she doesn't admit then with out telling her expose the affair and show other what a unremorsful women you married. This will prevent her from doing any kind of damage control.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> They're both about to be broken very soon.


How are you going to break them by being polite? 

Polite doesn't break up affairs mate.

There is absolutely no damn reason for a married woman to stay in contact with an old flame. None! She is disrespecting you. Are you going to let her walk all over you like this?

If you appear weak for one moment she'll rip you apart. There is no halfway on this. If you choose to confront, you better damn well be willing to take it all the way down the road and not give an inch to her. If you can't do that, if you cannot grab your crotch and commit to reclaiming your manhood, then just stay polite and silent and watch her slide deeper into the affair. 

If you confront her she may well leave you anyway, but at least you'll still have your balls and your integrity intact.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

crossbar said:


> You don't have to be polite about it. Dude, she never told her Ex she was married. Red Flag. She told you that she cut all contact with him. Yet, they still text each other now you've found a secret e-amail to him. It doesn't take a rocket sciencist dude.
> 
> Do you think she would tolerate this kind of behavior from you?



Well that was going to be my argument.

Imagine if the roles were reversed? What if it was ME that was lying, contacting my ex, texting behind my back, etc..

She would surely be a LOT more angrier than I am.

I'm a calm person, reasonable, honest I LISTEN and understand.

Lies, cheating and deceit...I can NOT and will NOT tolerate.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks guys.

Reading and taking it all in.

I've been getting 'cute' messages from her all morning, telling her how much she loves me, etc...
Nothing new but she sends these every day, I just haven't been replying and will wait to call her.

I'll put it out there and flat out ask her.
Then I will tell her that she can either chose to live with her husband in honesty or be single and keep chatting to her ex becouse happy married people do NOT do this kind of crap.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I get it man, you love her but don't let her know that. She has to believe this is a deal breaker, or she will string you along. She mostly string you along any way so atleast confront her with pride and self respect.

Trust me get your sh!t together, or you will fall apart infront of her. Only to give her affirmation that you ain't going any were and she can continue her affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

if your that calm, then maybe go nuke on her and turn some trash cans over???


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Somebody post the 180 link please.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

I'll do my best to maintain composure and confront her.

I have 20 minutes and it's go time.

I was going to wait to get home but I can't. Need to get this off my chest.

I have no problem leaving her. I can't live like this, it's not good for my health. Anxiety, stress, got me questioning myself and if I am a good enough person....screw that.

She will most likely deny it or say it's nothing/innocent, tell me to get over it, etc...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

There is no privacy in a marriage. You should have access to everything she has and she should have access to everything you have. If openness and honesty is verifiable there can be no deception.

All friends should be friends of the marriage. Anyone who is not shouldn't be in contact with either spouse.

Everything should be agreed upon by both spouses. If my wife objected to someone on my Facebook page I would delete them and vice-versa.

Any exes are completely forbidden. You should have no contact with any former romantic partners and neither should she.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> There is no privacy in a marriage. You should have access to everything she has and she should have access to everything you have. If openness and honesty is verifiable there can be no deception.
> 
> All friends should be friends of the marriage. Anyone who is not shouldn't be in contact with either spouse.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have put it better myself.

I've told her numerous times that there's no need for privacy between us. We're married and should be open about EVERYTHING.

I mean, we have eachothers ATM cards, pin numbers, credit cards etc...but then she goes and changes her name and FB password every week?

I have ZERO contacts with ANY of my ex's. NONE.

That's in my past and I don't like to live in the past.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So, not your immediate issue, but this is yet another example of why moving out to give space is probably not a good idea.

BTW, please do not repeat that. You moving away to give her space will onyl push them together ... again.

Keep in mind she may expect you to do this again. You are too early in themarriage to be having this drama.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ask her no questions and she will tell you no lies. Tell he you have a boundry and she has crossed it. She knows what she's doing wrong and it is not up to you to explain it to her. Shes a big girl and knows what best to keep a healthy marriage. Just like she's a big girl that will have to deal with the consequences if she does not respect your boundries.

Rememebr do not reveal you souce or she will take it deeper underground. Be vage and let her make the healthy choice. if she doesn't then expose this crap.

basicaly she has her chance, most want listen b/c of the addiction and will continue and call your bluff. 

I like your plan , it just concerns me that she will go dark until this all blows over, then she will find another resource were she can recontact OM.

My idea of warning and giving her enough rope to hang her self may not be the best, but at least its my perspective that you can add to the bigger picture.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

AnyGivenSUnday said:


> Couldn't have put it better myself.
> 
> I've told her numerous times that there's no need for privacy between us. We're married and should be open about EVERYTHING.
> 
> ...


Boundaries.

See His Needs Her Needs.

BTW, what was the major blowup about that made you feel you needed to leave to give her space. A married woman meeting up at all with an EX especially during this type of situation is almost garanteed instant "intimacy". You were only eight months into your marriage. Yes I reralized you had been together for a while before marriage. Basically she has been unfaithful to you. Whether it went to a PA or not is hard to say but the evidence is mounting in that direction.

You have to cut this off firmly right away. Calmly but firmly. And again, don't stomp off. Doing this may just teach her to cause an argument when she feels like a vacation from you with her OM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go for it dude, but please come back so we all can help you clean this up.
Do you want to know how this will all go down...theres a script if your interested?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He has a ways to go before the 180!

Hopefully she sees the errors of her ways and jumps back into the M...hopefully.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Somebody post the 180 link please.


HERE we are.

But, yeah, it's early days, yet. There is no concrete evidence of a full-blown affair, though it looks like there's an EA going on.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

Just tried to call her but no answer. Guessing she's not on her lunch break just yet. I'm nervous as hell to confront her but I need to, for my own sanity.
This are great between us and we just had an amazing weekend together. But obviously not as amazing to her since she took time out of her day to email her ex...even if it wasn't a 'personal, deep and meaningful' email, she did make a promise to me that she won't contact him again.

Will try calling again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Settle down, what if she tells you shes sorry for going behind your back on this....sooooo she will tell you up front that she will not stop contacting him?

You aint going no were are you. she will apologize and then just to be honest with you she will tell you that she CAN'T help it and she TRIED, and how CONFUSED she is. It will all end with her telling you that you can't control who her friends are and she will not stop.

Please stop being so damb needy, and show some confidence that you can move on with out her if she chooses to continue. Stop calling her and begging her to pick up.

I know its tough, I've been there, do what you can to get control of your sh!t.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

We just spoke.

I said to her that I needed to ask her something and to remain calm. I was.
I asked why she emailed him the link and she said she didn't know why but she has no feelings what so ever for him and they don't even speak anymore.
No Facebook, no texts , phonecalls, nothing.

She apologized and said she wouldn't do it again.

I asked her why she did it again, knowing it would hurt me if I found it.
Again she said it was an email with a link, no personal message (which is true) and it won't happen again.

I believe her.

But I also don't .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

The red flags here:
1. She maintained her "friendship" with him through out your entire relationship. This proves that she has not gotten over him.

2. She never told her ex she was married. Its like telling an ex that you have a chance of getting back together. I would seriously question her loyalty because of this.

3. She maintains contact with him even though she claims she stopped all contact between them. She lied to your face and went behind your back to maintain contact. She abused the trust that you had for her. This is unforgiveable.

IMO - You are making the right choice. Tell her straight up that its either you or him, No matter how angry she gets or how much she cries...DONT BACK DOWN. She took advantage of the trust you had for her, She went behind your back, and She lied to your face. Marriage is all about trust and without it, There is nothing. You have to stay strong, Dont fold under the pressure.

However, If I were you then I would strongly consider divorce. Its been years since she left her ex and she is still clinging on to him, Whats that say about you and your relationship? If almost as if you are simply the back up and her ex is the star. You two are married now, Her loyalty should be to you and you alone and it isnt, Its to her ex. She proved this when she went out of her way to secretly stay in contact with him even though she told you that they no longer had contact between each other. Do you really want a relationship with a woman who does all that to you?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

AnyGivenSUnday said:


> We just spoke.
> 
> I said to her that I needed to ask her something and to remain calm. I was.
> I asked why she emailed him the link and she said she didn't know why but she has no feelings what so ever for him and they don't even speak anymore.
> ...


Why do I have the feeling that she and the OM are going to take this underground? I would install a keylogger on her computer. I would buy a couple of VARs and put them in areas that could catch her talking to him like in the car. If she has a phone that you can sync up to the computer you should be able to download all her messages so that you can read them whether she deleted them or not. There are others here who had to do most if not all of this and can probably advise you further. It is possible that she is genuinely sorry for what she did and will stick to the NC but we have all seen it too many times before that it all too often goes the other way.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

AnyGivenSUnday said:


> We just spoke.
> 
> I said to her that I needed to ask her something and to remain calm. I was.
> I asked why she emailed him the link and she said she didn't know why but she has no feelings what so ever for him and they don't even speak anymore.
> No Facebook, no texts , phonecalls, nothing.


Yeah right



> She apologized and said she wouldn't do it again.


Heard that one before

........

It's evident she has feelings for him, the "I don't know why" excuse is frankly not good enough. He's either not reciprocating them or she's not telling the whole truth. Be very wary, marrying someone who hasn't gotten over their ex is a big, big mistake.


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## AnyGivenSUnday (Feb 13, 2012)

I will accept her apology and give her another chance.
She has apologized and she sounds genuinely sorry so will move forward now. She now knows I won't stand for it and there's no two ways about it.
We are incredible together and love eachother too much to throw it all away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Install a keylogger for safety though, Just to make sure she isnt contacting him.


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

AnyGivenSUnday said:


> I will accept her apology and give her another chance.
> She has apologized and she sounds genuinely sorry so will move forward now. She now knows I won't stand for it and there's no two ways about it.
> We are incredible together and love eachother too much to throw it all away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


tell her she SHOULD send him another email and it will repair your trust in her. she should send him one that says "I'M MARRIED. AND I'M SO LUCKY CUZ HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD, I'M NOT SURE IF I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS BEFORE. I DON'T THINK ITS APPROPIRATE WE HAVE ANY FURTHER CONTACT'.

ask her to send this email while you watch. If she's truly sorry and really feels this way she will in a heartbeat -- just like you would no hesitation -- I mean -- wtf -- you're her husband and he is just some dude from the past. If she is squirmy and defensive say 'you should have done this years ago and you still can't even do it today. this is over'.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

the guy said:


> Please stop being so dam needy, and show some confidence that you can move on without her. Stop calling her and begging her to pick up...


Oh you have no idea how true this statement is ...

~sammy


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

You need to determine what you want in this relationship with your dear wife.You both need to be completely open to each other without picking offence when any of the party needs further clarification on any of the issues about your marriage.When this is done it would help reduce the chances of suspicions.You partner needs to be reassured that you still care about her in order to douse the pressure that may make her always defensive.You should also take more time to thoroughly understand whether your partner's defense is in a bid to cover up a guilt or was due to the way you presented the matter to her You should also carefully determine whether your wife kept the relationship with her ex boyfriend out of her inability to help the situation or out of total disregard about how you feel about such actions. To my view whatever you discover, would help you know the next line of action to take.You actually need to improve on you actions / reactions with every passing day of married life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is ridiculous. Her words are meaningless. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. Apparently there are no consequences to her actions. I guarantee you that if the roles were reversed she would not put up with such disrespect from you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It is time to contact the ex and tell him the truth and see if you can get the truth from him.
I am sorry but her actions show you are second best to him and she has never gotten over him. Why are you putting up with this?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

AnyGivenSUnday said:


> We just spoke.
> 
> I said to her that I needed to ask her something and to remain calm. I was.
> I asked why she emailed him the link and she said she didn't know why but she has no feelings what so ever for him and they don't even speak anymore.
> No Facebook, no texts , phonecalls, nothing.


In my opinion, you should have met her in person to ask those questions. You could have seen the body language. It seems she is not apologetic about what she has done. Cant believe her words. That is why it is important to meet her in person.




AnyGivenSUnday said:


> She apologized and said she wouldn't do it again.


Sorry. She has done what she should not have done. He remained in touch with him all through.




AnyGivenSUnday said:


> I asked her why she did it again, knowing it would hurt me if I found it.
> Again she said it was an email with a link, no personal message (which is true) and it won't happen again.


Was she surprised that you found her email? Did she say why did you intrude into my email?



AnyGivenSUnday said:


> I believe her.
> 
> But I also don't .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understandable that you do and dont believe her. What is your instinct saying?

Many in this forum will think that she is in fact cheating atleast emotionally. 
Better to wait, gather more evidence and confront. I know it takes hell a lot of patience esp if you deal with a cheater. Patience.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to move forward you will trust her but verify everything. The only way you are going to keep up is with a keylogger on her computer, check text phone records to see who she is calling/texting etc. Do this for a few months.

If she is serious about this marriage you both will share all passwords to all your accts. Period. No secrets.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

cam44 said:


> tell her she SHOULD send him another email and it will repair your trust in her. she should send him one that says "I'M MARRIED. AND I'M SO LUCKY CUZ HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD, I'M NOT SURE IF I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS BEFORE. I DON'T THINK ITS APPROPIRATE WE HAVE ANY FURTHER CONTACT'.
> 
> ask her to send this email while you watch. If she's truly sorry and really feels this way she will in a heartbeat -- just like you would no hesitation -- I mean -- wtf -- you're her husband and he is just some dude from the past. If she is squirmy and defensive say 'you should have done this years ago and you still can't even do it today. this is over'.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Contact this OM and ask him to stay away from her.

Dont forget a key logger and VAR, some times it turns out to be the best investment made.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He will comeback in a a couple of months saying that his wife hasn't stopped sending her ex and they met once again for "coffee". 

He is in denial and is seeing only what he wants to. This is a lost cause


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> He will comeback in a a couple of months saying that his wife hasn't stopped sending her ex and they met once again for "coffee".
> 
> He is in denial and is seeing only what he wants to. This is a lost cause


Either that, or I certainly don't want to read something like the above, or "I just found out that she met him in a parking lot/hotel and they hugged and kissed and I want to believe her". I hope I'm wrong, but this looks like another case of rug sweeping and he sweeps it under the rug as fast as he can.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Either that, or I certainly don't want to read something like the above, or "I just found out that she met him in a parking lot/hotel and they hugged and kissed and I want to believe her". I hope I'm wrong, but this looks like another case of rug sweeping and he sweeps it under the rug as fast as he can.


Didn't someone post something that read "If she says they talked about work, they actually talked about sex. If she says they had coffee, they actually had a date. If she says they kissed, she actually gave him a blow job. If she says they cuddled, they actually had sex."

I hope I'm wrong but I think the OP will be back.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Didn't someone post something that read "If she says they talked about work, they actually talked about sex. If she says they had coffee, they actually had a date. If she says they kissed, she actually gave him a blow job. If she says they cuddled, they actually had sex."



love the affairspeak !

~sammy


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