# My wife asked me for a list of things she likes...



## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

Going through a separation with my wife of 11 years (together 18!).

We have two young kids and a lot on the line here and it's been the scariest thing I've ever been through because she is my life and my life was recently just flipped upside down by this. 

She is not in the stages of rebuilding (as I want to), but rather trying to figure out if she even wants to stay in our marriage. 

One of the problems is that I'm a more than typical male when it comes to not paying attention to her needs and wants. I have really been focusing on myself a lot more than her in the last year or so and it's reached the end of the rope with her.

So here's the deal, she just asked from me a list of things that she likes, or that makes her happy. That's it. Material/nonmaterial... I don't know. 

I've been with her for 18 years and surely can come up with some things, but it is more difficult than I would think... being a male and all. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to brainstorm for this list? or any advise at all? I have to admit I've been pretty dense, but this should be a real eye opener and I'm scared the list won't satisfy what it is she is looking for and I might "fail" the test.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, honey, no. We cannot help you with this list.

What she is saying is that she thinks you haven't paid a bit of attention to her for 18 years, and that you don't have a clue what she likes. Is she right?

C'mon, think. What does she like? Does she like antique fairs and country music? Does she like collecting dolls? Does she like thunderstorms?

We can't help you with this, this is a test only you can pass. So sit down alone, in the dark, with no music on, and think. What does she like?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You know her. Stop being scared thinking you don't know a thing. Most people show the things they like in their every day routine, special times, the things they buy them selves, what they talk about, hobbies, activities, favorite places to go, responses to things you have done or said that were positive, and so on.
It is all right there in your past with her just take a breath and think about it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

what books does she like to read?

what foods does she like to eat?

what restaurants does she go to?

does she like to exercise?

what does she do when she has a few minutes, to relax?

what does she like to talk about with her girlfriends?

who are the most important people in her world besides the people living in the house right now?

what sorts of things has she wished she could spend money on, but doesn't, because you can't afford it?

what gifts have you given her in the past that she still uses and enjoys?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MrPink said:


> Going through a separation with my wife of 11 years (together 18!).
> 
> We have two young kids and a lot on the line here and it's been the scariest thing I've ever been through because she is my life and my life was recently just flipped upside down by this.
> 
> ...


If you've been truly THAT disconnected from her that you don't know what kinds of things motivate her or make her smile, or if your answers don't satisfy her, you might be better off starting with a list of what makes you say that she "is your life" and a confession that you didn't realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate you've been. Finish with a pledge to make yourself HER life by learning more about what she likes and devoting time to them. 

I would bet that you can get some of the answers by taking a look at how she interacts with your children. What do they do that warms her heart? Does she put their drawings or photos on the fridge? Does she run around with them at the park? Why? 

Who are her friends, and why is she friends with them? This can give you some more ideas. 

Who does she get along with best in her family? Worst? What do these answers tell you about her values and likes? 

In general, women like to feel appreciated, valued, and treated as important. They like to be heard. They like their man to brag about them. They like their man to think about them when they're apart and to show it through a phone call or a gift for no reason. They may like physical expressions of affection - hand holding or a foot massage at the end of a long day.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

After reading an article, I walked up to my husband (now ex), closed my eyes and asked...."what color are my eyes?" We had been married >15 years. He said, "ummm...blue?" They're green. Yeah. Pay attention.

What did you guys do together that she liked to do? What does she talk to her mother about? Does she read? Cook? Drink wine? 

Oh, and being "male" doesn't excuse you from paying attention to the one you love.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You won't tell the teacher if I let you look at my answers?

Does she like compliments on her looks or the things she does about the house. How about help with the kids or house chores. Does she like to out. How about, flowers, music, art, ect. The list can go on forever.

Sorry about the levity, you are in a sad state. Can't say I haven't been guilty of it too. 

I would say to you, tell the truth, fess up and tell her you don't have any idea. You've paid little attention to her for all these years and you would like one chance to change. Since she already knows the answer, anything else you say would fail her test. 

Then get these books and read them;
The Five Love Languages by Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs by Harley

Good luck to you both


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I would sit her down, take her hands in yours, look into her eyes, and say Honey, you're right. I have not paid enough attention to what you like. I am going to change that starting right now. I did not realize how important this was to you, and I want your help with making this happen.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Lovesherman shoots! He scores!


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

thanks for these ideas.

Let me clarify, I DO know her very well, probably better than anyone else. I can easily come up with several things that mak her happy, that she likes. But I guess I'm just nervous that she's going to rip it up some how. It's been a rough year for me (job wise) and I haven't put her first near as much as I should have, and although we have been together for so long, she feels it's been more of a friend and convenience factor and I haven't given her the things to make her happy because I don't really know what she likes. Maybe some of this is true, or maybe it's been more of a laziness, but I'm more willing to focus on her than I ever have in my life now and I kind of feel like I'm going up against a jury. 

And as for the "man" part, I don't mean I don't pay attention to her, it's just when it comes to emotions acts of affection, it's harder for some men to show than others. That is one place I struggle and she can see when it's unantural.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> I would sit her down, take her hands in yours, look into her eyes, and say Honey, you're right. I have not paid enough attention to what you like. I am going to change that starting right now. I did not realize how important this was to you, and I want your help with making this happen.


We are way passed that. I tried all of that the first week she told me she wanted to separate 3 weeks ago. She is looking at the last 19 years and thinking it is what she wanted then, but some people just don't change and she's not sure I've got it in me to make her the happiest she could be.


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## MrPink (May 23, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> answer, anything else you say would fail her test.
> 
> Then get these books and read them;
> The Five Love Languages by Chapman
> ...


I just finished listening to the audiobook of The Five Love Languages by Chapman and it made a lot of sense to me.

I told her today that I would like her to listen too. I'm just not sure that she is in the right stage to listen to it yet as she is still in the "I'm not sure what I want" stage and not in the "lets rebuild our marriage and make it stronger" stage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

A list like that I would have failed on badly - it's not that I wasn't paying attention (well not much anyway) or that I didn't care, its just that I was depressed and worn down and my creative center was shut down - I had no way to get any ideas out there...

Thing is once you start getting a couple down things will start rolling off your brain, so take a pen and piece of paper and start wherever, like what you did on your honeymoon then let the recollections start flowing. And put it on paper before your overworked mind starts dropping all the memories.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MrPink said:


> I just finished listening to the audiobook of The Five Love Languages by Chapman and it made a lot of sense to me.
> 
> I told her today that I would like her to listen too. I'm just not sure that she is in the right stage to listen to it yet as she is still in the "I'm not sure what I want" stage and not in the "lets rebuild our marriage and make it stronger" stage.


Have you been able to get her to take the quiz they have online? Tell her it's just a fun little game, try to tease her sweetly into taking it. Tell her you want to learn how to show her love.

Her reading the book is more understanding better how to fulfill your love languages. Very important, but the larger priority right now is jump starting some positive bit of feeling in her toward you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mr.Pink it is sort of twisted for her to put you on trial - this is one big sh!t test she is making you take - I would overwhelm her if I had the chance. Think of every mundane thing and put a personal twist on each item, don't give her ammo to tear it apart, just flood her with all the great things.

Thing is though, you said she has separated so possibly she has other motives and is trying to set you up to fail. If she is setting impossibly high expectations or shoots down genuine attempts to listen to her there is not much you can do.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MrPink said:


> I just finished listening to the audiobook of The Five Love Languages by Chapman and it made a lot of sense to me.
> 
> I told her today that I would like her to listen too. I'm just not sure that she is in the right stage to listen to it yet as she is still in the "I'm not sure what I want" stage and not in the "lets rebuild our marriage and make it stronger" stage.


"I'm not sure what I want" is better than "Have your lawyer contact mine". No?
Then keep at it, with an simple assurance that given a chance I can change my behavior. Just show her the out line of the knowledge you have gained (5 love languages) and follow them. This is going to take time, she's not going to be convinced over night. It took her a long time to get here. Don't give up at discouragement, stay the course. It can't get any worse. 

Also read Married Man Sex Life by Kay, do this one on your own.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You should make a second list of things you love about her from the little things and the big ones and the things that she says and does for you that make her so special too you. 

I hate these kinds of test but when one has felt a certain way for a while it is hard to see anything at face value and for what it is. The "unhappiness" blinds one to the good things.

If you have to force your self to be more emotionally open with her then do it. Even if it makes you feel awkward. If she knows this is difficult for you then it might mean more to her that you would step out of your comfort zone and give it a go for her.

Tell her that it is not easy but you are willing to become uncomfortable for her and that with practice and trust it will become easy for you to be that open with her. She might actually do what you fear, make a back up copy and don't just hand her the list but read it to her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> You should make a second list of things you love about her from the little things and the big ones and the things that she says and does for you that make her so special too you.


Love that idea! :smthumbup:


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Does anyone else think this sounds like the worst round of The Newlywed Game ever?


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## srr (May 3, 2012)

Interesting game. 
I think you two should *exchange* lists.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

That you even have to ask this question after being married to someone for 18 years is beyond me. Really? And don't put that excuse on men. Their are plenty of good men out there who listen to their wives. 

If your worried it won't be enough than give it all you have. Leave no room for error on your part.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Love Song said:


> That you even have to ask this question after being married to someone for 18 years is beyond me. Really? And don't put that excuse on men. Their are plenty of good men out there who listen to their wives.
> 
> If your worried it won't be enough than give it all you have. Leave no room for error on your part.


I think he's more apprehensive at the fact that it's a set up than writing the actual list. That no matter how comprehensive and thoughtful the list is, his wife is so far gone that she will poke holes in it regardless.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I think he's more apprehensive at the fact that it's a set up than writing the actual list. That no matter how comprehensive and thoughtful the list is, his wife is so far gone that she will poke holes in it regardless.


Agreed. If he was told to list a certain number, that'd be one thing. But she's asking for a vague list, then anything he forgets or thinks not mentioning is automatically ammunition for her.

I think if it were me, I'd pull out all the stops and try to list EVERYTHING I remember her enjoying, from her favorite Care Bear to the dirtiest thing they'd ever done together, and really focus on shared experiences: dates, vacations, intimate moments. And then turn the tables on her when she starts to complain by asking why she DIDN'T like those moments they shared together.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Love Song said:


> That you even have to ask this question after being married to someone for 18 years is beyond me. Really? And don't put that excuse on men. Their are plenty of good men out there who listen to their wives.
> 
> If your worried it won't be enough than give it all you have. Leave no room for error on your part.


:iagree:

That was my first reaction as well. He has to come on an internet message board to find out from a group of strangers what his wife likes?

:scratchhead:

The OP's original post certainly uses his gender as an excuse for his lack of attention to his wife. If he says things like that to his wife -and I have to believe that if he says it to a group of us on the 'net he has said it to her - it probably didn't go over very well and she wanted something more from him hence this request for a list of things she likes via his perspective.

I don't find her request that strange. She feels he has been checked out of the relationship for a while and she wants to know what he remembers. I could write a three page (or longer) list of things my husband likes. I think my dad could do the same for my mom. Gender is no excuse for not paying attention to one's spouse or putting one's marriage on auto pilot.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

thats a pretty neat way to try and connect good lucj with this


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would give her a list using HNHN and or 5LL as a guide.
I would tell her "these are the things that make you happy as I SEE THEM". I would tell her sincerely and apologetically where you feel you have fell short. I would also tell her that if this list is not complete or accurate that you expect her to communicate to you what is lacking in her marriage, and you will make the committment to meet her needs to the best of your ability. I would also ask her for the same list of what makes you happy. The purpose of that request is to start a conversation showing that she too has failed to meet your emotional needs.


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