# He keeps talking me into staying, what should I do?



## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I posted on the finance problems page but now I realize I really don't need advise on money issue but how to get out of this marriage, so maybe this is the better place to post. 

My husband of 6 years has worked about 1/2 of the time. He has been out of work over a year now. We are in our 50's and each have grown children. I found out after marriage the debt he owed was $21,000 more than he told me because he owed IRS (didn't file 2 years that he hadn't worked before we meet) and more credit cards. 

Problem is everytime I tell him I want out he gets mad, yells, tells me it is all my fault, asks me why I kept bringing this up that he loves me and hurts him that I make up with him only to tear him down later by saying I want a divorce. We continue this way for 1 -2 hours until I just shut down and don't respond. Then he starts in on how much we have in common, how good we are together, we can work it out, I shouldn't run from my problems, we will fix it & he will bring in the money. Usually I will agree and I try to understand how he can't get a job and try to believe it hasn't been his fault that he hasn't kept a job and of course the weeks go by and there isn't enough money to pay bills, and he still doesn't have a job. 

Last week I didn't agree or make up when this happened again, just went to bed and then got up the next morning and went to work. When I got home that night he had a friend there and pretended everything was okay. I went to bed later and since then we have continue to pretend it is all okay but of course for me it isn't. I want a divorce. 

I feel bad because I do care & love him and I wish he kept a job and didn't mess up his income. He had no savings or retirement fund when we married, I didn't know this, I know I should have but assumed everyone our age had that. There is no way we can build his up if he doesn't work and I am tired of trying. I had no debt except the house when we met, now I have a 2 credit cards to pay off and I can't afford the house we moved into. 

How do I get off this roller coaster and get on a path toward seperate lives?


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Make your decision and decide you are not faultering, no matter what happens.

I'm in a similar situation. My wife WON'T work and hasn't in over 12 years. Granted I didn't want her too when our kids were babies but she could've gone back p/t 4 years ago. She's the nicest, sweetest woman in the world and repeatedly tells me she never wanted divorce blah blah blah. I keep falling for it and feeling guilty and staying and have been on this rollercoaster for years. I finally said no more.

And she's trying it again. In the past week has told me she wants me to give her a chance and she will work on things (same song, different day) and I told her she could do whatever she wanted but I wasn't changing my plans. I also told her I wouldn't be leaving until the divorce is final which could be three months. Just so she knows if she's serious, she has time.

You just gotta do it if it's what you really want. And don't let anything get you off course. It won't be easy, but it's the only way.

Good luck.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

. Time to set some ultimatums and stick to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can just move into a rented room at someone's house, and file for a divorce. The debts will be split equitably, as will assets. If he's silly enough to ask for the house, let him take it! If you are in the States and you have been working then you will have your own Social Security benefits when you retire and that is better than nothing, which is what you would have if you stay married and there are debts including to the IRS in which case they will be yours too and the gov't will probably take what's rightfully theirs from each month's benefits...one way or another. 

It's not too late to cut your losses. If you want a divorce, you should get one.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks for the input. As far as the debts go, we have paid IRS out of 'our' money even though it was debt from before we were married, IRS just takes anything that has his SS number on it. What we have left is the house, & credit cards. Everything including the house is in my name because he didn't have a good credit rating when we married (I know another clue I should have followed up on, but I was 'in love' & stupid/naive). I do not trust that he would ever pay his part of any of the debt which will only hurt my credit rating more. 

I know I need to just file for divorce and get it over with. It is just so hard to stick with my decision when he finds ways to talk me out of it every time. What do I do after I say 'it is over & I want a divorce'? Do I just not discuss it?


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

coffee shop said:


> thanks for the input. As far as the debts go, we have paid IRS out of 'our' money even though it was debt from before we were married, IRS just takes anything that has his SS number on it. What we have left is the house, & credit cards. Everything including the house is in my name because he didn't have a good credit rating when we married (I know another clue I should have followed up on, but I was 'in love' & stupid/naive). I do not trust that he would ever pay his part of any of the debt which will only hurt my credit rating more.
> 
> I know I need to just file for divorce and get it over with. It is just so hard to stick with my decision when he finds ways to talk me out of it every time. What do I do after I say 'it is over & I want a divorce'? Do I just not discuss it?


This is not relevant to your emotional situation but if you happen to not be able to find a way out of this marriage before next year's tax season there is a form you can file to seperate a spouses debt collections from your income it's called an Injured Spouse Tax form 8379 talk to your cpa or who ever does your taxes. it will put a slight delay on your return but you'll get your part back and his debts shouldn't be deducted if they were incurred before you married. My wife has student loans she's defaulted on that uncle sam tries to dredge out of my tax return each year, that little form saves me that drama at least.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

voryn said:


> This is not relevant to your emotional situation but if you happen to not be able to find a way out of this marriage before next year's tax season there is a form you can file to seperate a spouses debt collections from your income it's called an Injured Spouse Tax form 8379 talk to your cpa or who ever does your taxes. it will put a slight delay on your return but you'll get your part back and his debts shouldn't be deducted if they were incurred before you married. My wife has student loans she's defaulted on that uncle sam tries to dredge out of my tax return each year, that little form saves me that drama at least.


Thanks so much, I will check this out. Very helpful


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

Wish I could help more, goodluck.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

i will host the Father's Day BBQ because his son and father don't deserve to have a celebration but then it is over. I don't know how I will say it to him but I will. 
Now he wants to make money but not report it. He plans to work the rest of his work life without paying taxes.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

you should probably get out of that house before it collapses. You can't beat uncle Sam he can and will get his money heh. All jokes aside I wish you luck and strength.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

okay, between the responses on the financial page and this one I feel better about filing for a divorce and getting out before I get in too deep with IRS and with other credit issue. 

My questions now are, right now we are not fighting, just acting like all is well (too much daily stress if I focus on what is wrong all the time) there are some family events coming up like the 4th of July. I know I won't have time to file for a divorce and I guess I don't know if I want to bring it up before then. Do I just attend these events that involve both our families and pretend all is well? or do I tell him now I am going to file as soon as I can and then not participate in the family events? 

Next question, I am sure I will get calls from some of his family members after he tells them I am divorcing him, do I answer and just say, talk to him or do I just refuse the calls? 
Thanks,


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

coffee shop said:


> Now he wants to make money but not report it. He plans to work the rest of his work life without paying taxes.


My former dentist Elaine Brown's husband did this.
Codependency gone WAY TOO FAR.
She allowed him to bully her into that (not paying taxes).
Also into turning their house into an armed fortress.
Now they are in separate federal prisons after the pizza delivery guy turned out to be a federal agent.
Probably the best thing that ever happened to her, being away from her nutcase of a husband.

Best dentist I ever had, too.
Next door to a bakery and an awesome aquarium setup.
Her pens even had US flags on them.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks, I know i need to leave. but when? I really love the place we live in but how do I get him to leave? and when do I confront him? before the 4th holiday with both families?


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

Well we made it though the 4th with family events. Now I have to have that ending conversation. Any words of wisdom? I know he won't leave but the house is in my name. Thoughts on how I can make him leave?


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