# Honestly doesn't know or just protecting my feelings?



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

The last time my wife and I had sex she said "I'd like to have an orgasm as I don't have them very often"

So tonight I asked her what she meant. She said she doesn't always orgasm when we have sex. News to me. 

So I asked how often she does have them. She said she doesn't keep a running tab.

So I said guesstimate, like 50% of the time etc, 

She said she did not recall. 

Is she being honest with me or protecting my feelings about the frequency of her orgasms.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

CanadianGuy,

If your wife has to request an orgasm prior to sex, then she has them pretty rarely I would imagine. I've never ased my husband to give me an orgasm... and if I did, it would probably be because I was not having them MOST of the time. Honestly though, it doesn't really matter the percentage. What matters is that your wife is in a position that makes her feel she needs to request an orgasm from her husband. That's not good.

As far as you not knowing that she hasn't orgasmed, that's unsurprising. I would figure that most men are unaware of when a woman actual reaches an orgasm. Our true tell-tell signs are not as obovious as yours. And the moaning/screaming is absolutely not a sign. Dilated pupils, rapid vaginal contractions, erect nipples, heart racing (NOT heavy breathing). Those are our signs. And if your wife hasn't been orgasming, then you probably don't know what those signs look like. Ask your wife to finger herself, or you finger her, to ACTUAL orgasm. Watch her body and watch for those signs. 

As a lover, you don't seem to be very satisfying to your wife. It's not your fault entirely, her faking orgams has helped to teach you the wrong technique, or simply ok'ed the wrong techniques you've been doing all this time. If you're trying to f*ck her like pornstar when you have sex... stop that. It only makes you a great pornstar and a terrible lover. Do you last only a few minutes during intercourse? That could be an issue for her. Do you give her (pleasurable to her) oral sex? Do you stimulate her erogenous zone? Indulge in foreplay? Ask herthese things? Ask her to be honest, and don't allow your ego to cause her honesty to hurt your feelings. Don't you want to be her best lover? You are the only one she gets so you should be the absolute best at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Canadian,

aribabe hit it head on. She knows how many times she's orgasmed.

Probably best that you ask her what is it that you do that she likes (and gets her moving in the right direction) and what do you do that she doesn't like?

Commicate


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

aribabe said:


> CanadianGuy,
> 
> If your wife has to request an orgasm prior to sex, then she has them pretty rarely I would imagine. I've never ased my husband to give me an orgasm... and if I did, it would probably be because I was not having them MOST of the time. Honestly though, it doesn't really matter the percentage. What matters is that your wife is in a position that makes her feel she needs to request an orgasm from her husband. That's not good.
> 
> ...


Thanks Aribabe. She doesn't fake it for my benefit. I do not try and f' her like a porn star. She will not let me bring her to orgasm with oral as in her words she considers that "cheating" WTF? I indulge her with plenty of foreplay. She does not do the same for me at all. She considers bj's disgusting. And I can probably count on one hand ( lol ) the number of times she has given me a hj. My wife would never finger herself infront of me. 

I have purchased lingerie, toys, videos etc. I have tried perhaps too hard, to make sex fun and enjoyable for her. So I have tried to be the best for her. Sometimes I last longer than others. 

At this point I believe that she has more sexual hang ups than air fresheners in the cab of a sh*t truck.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If she was not faking orgasm, how did you come to the come conclusion that she typically orgasmed? Or remained unaware that she did not?

Not letting you bring her to orgasm is silly, and it's certainly not cheating. It could be a sexual hang up, or she could be shying away from it because you are not doing it in a way that is pleasurable to her. I had a boyfriend that I gave a million excuses as to why I wouldn't allow him to "go there", scratchy beard/tongue, ticlish, not clean, not in the mood, not the right time etc... but the truth is just that he didn't do it in a way I liked and he never took instruction well.

I can't say whether or not you've been trying too hard to make sex enjoyable,if she is not orgasming then I would say neither of you is working hard enough to make sex enjoyable. You should ask her why she hasn't been orgasming, that's a start.



CanadianGuy said:


> Thanks Aribabe. She doesn't fake it for my benefit. I do not try and f' her like a porn star. She will not let me bring her to orgasm with oral as in her words she considers that "cheating" WTF? I indulge her with plenty of foreplay. She does not do the same for me at all. She considers bj's disgusting. And I can probably count on one hand ( lol ) the number of times she has given me a hj. My wife would never finger herself infront of me.
> 
> I have purchased lingerie, toys, videos etc. I have tried perhaps too hard, to make sex fun and enjoyable for her. So I have tried to be the best for her. Sometimes I last longer than others.
> 
> At this point I believe that she has more sexual hang ups than air fresheners in the cab of a sh*t truck.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Based on your other threads I think she's just making more stuff up just to make you be the bad guy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

CG I think the feedback should be welcomed. She took a risk in telling you what she needs. Women frequently suffer in silence out of fear of bruising their partners ego. 

This has nothing to do with your skills actually. Every woman is different so you have to learn her body. That's impossible if she does not tell you what she needs. So this is good. 

Does it really matter wheather she is being honest or not? Your reaction may be misconstrued a negative reaction. . She may never take the risk again. 

Wouldn't the best thing to do is to take her feedback at face value? Would you be open to selecting books with her on male and female sexuality? 

Both of you can read and discuss them. I think that both of you have something to learn about sexuality. This is common for so many of us.

Relax and reassure her. It would be better to let her know that you are pleased that she shared this and hope she will continue. 

It is probably better to Avoid any hint that you are upset as that may shut her down. I think this is a positive situation and can result in increased communication and a deeper intimacy, if handled correctly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I didn't read your other threads so my comments are based on this post only.

Just a comment on the items you brought. They may be things you want but may not be what she wants. Maybe select things along with her.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Based on your other threads I think she's just making more stuff up just to make you be the bad guy.


Thanks Mavash. That has occurred to me. Gaslighting in a kind of way.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> CG I think the feedback should be welcomed. She took a risk in telling you what she needs. Women frequently suffer in silence out of fear of bruising their partners ego.
> 
> This has nothing to do with your skills actually. Every woman is different so you have to learn her body. That's impossible if she does not tell you what she needs. So this is good.
> 
> ...


I'm not upset and probably won't be. My ego is not bruised. I know who I am and what I am capable of in the skills dept. What does concern me is the lack of honesty/disclosure on her part about this because we have been married for 15 years and together for 23. Why was it never mentioned before? I do believe that if she wants an orgasm then I could bring her to orgasm quite easily from oral. So whats the problem? I would certainly be open to reading books about this but she wouldn't though.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

aribabe said:


> If she was not faking orgasm, how did you come to the come conclusion that she typically orgasmed? Or remained unaware that she did not?
> 
> Not letting you bring her to orgasm is silly, and it's certainly not cheating. It could be a sexual hang up, or she could be shying away from it because you are not doing it in a way that is pleasurable to her. I had a boyfriend that I gave a million excuses as to why I wouldn't allow him to "go there", scratchy beard/tongue, ticlish, not clean, not in the mood, not the right time etc... but the truth is just that he didn't do it in a way I liked and he never took instruction well.
> 
> ...


She never mentioned that she did not until last night. I take all the instruction she is willing to give and am clean shaven and take personal cleanliness quite seriously. 

I will ask her why. She will probably tell me that it's because she is just not that sexual.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

some woman are just backwards when it comes to sex and asking for what they like. Even if you ask they give the the standard...I like it all or you know what I like.

now that you know whats up and she hasn't been orgasming all theses years Its time to open up to eachother. the next time ask her what she likes and when she get all shy about it just be playfull and coax it out of her. 

maybe play the good better best game ask to tell you what feels good better best as you do your favorite moves! 


this could be a whole new spark for you guys.

good luck


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

aribabe said:


> ..........
> 
> As far as you not knowing that she hasn't orgasmed, that's unsurprising. I would figure that most men are unaware of when a woman actual reaches an orgasm. Our true tell-tell signs are not as obovious as yours. And the moaning/screaming is absolutely not a sign. Dilated pupils, rapid vaginal contractions, erect nipples, heart racing (NOT heavy breathing). Those are our signs. And if your wife hasn't been orgasming, then you probably don't know what those signs look like. Ask your wife to finger herself, or you finger her, to ACTUAL orgasm. Watch her body and watch for those signs.
> 
> ..........


I moan and scream at times when having an O. Sometimes I am totally silent.
I can be heavy breathing or actually stop breathing for a few seconds and then have to gasp for air.

I often have multi's and each one can be different and my body and sounds will be different. Sometimes I have very shallow o's, other times they are so mindblowing that I feel dizzy afterwards.

For sure watching a partner masturbate can be very educational (as well as a lot of fun) but when I O using the vibe it is actually different than what he does for me. 

I think you need to be very careful about making blanket statements about how women do or do not react when having an orgasm.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Holland, 

You clearly misunderstood the purpose of that post. Moaning, screaming, heavy breathing, or not breathing at all lol, are all physical orgasm signs that can be faked, and often are. Therefore, a man (or woman) that is curious about whether a woman is genuinely orgasming has to look for the signs that absolutely can not be faked, such as dilated pupils, rapid vaginal wall contractions, increased heart rate, etc

Every woman behaves differently when she orgasms, however 99% of us all are the same in how our bodies naturally respond to orgasm.



Holland said:


> I moan and scream at times when having an O. Sometimes I am totally silent.
> I can be heavy breathing or actually stop breathing for a few seconds and then have to gasp for air.
> 
> I often have multi's and each one can be different and my body and sounds will be different. Sometimes I have very shallow o's, other times they are so mindblowing that I feel dizzy afterwards.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ok it must have been how you worded it then aribabe because you said



> As far as you not knowing that she hasn't orgasmed, that's unsurprising. I would figure that most men are unaware of when a woman actual reaches an orgasm. Our true tell-tell signs are not as obovious as yours.* And the moaning/screaming is absolutely not a sign.*


I was saying that is incorrect as moaning/screaming for me *absolutely is *one of the reactions to having an orgasm. 

I get what you are saying but your wording is confusing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Even after being together for many years, communicating about this can be very hard, due to the vulnerability that is involved. It is important to make sure that you both feel safe communicating about this. It may also be a situation in which she is not sure of exactly what she needs. 

When arousal is higher, you may find that she is unable to communicate well. Her brain will be so stimulated that it doesn't function as it normally would. Signals may be of use for times like this. Two pats would be good, while maybe snapping of fingers would be not so much. 

I find that dedicating some time to exploring can be helpful. During this exploration, ask your partner frequently to rate how an action felt on a scale of 1 to 10. Try a different technique and ask them to rate that one. Is there anything that would make that technique better, more or less pressure, or slower or faster.

The feeling that orgasm thru oral is a "limiting belief." Good girls don't do such things or such and such activity is naughty or dirty are other types of limiting beliefs. They can be difficult to get past, but very beneficial.


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