# Always losing the battles



## KayCee (Apr 29, 2011)

Whenever my husband and I argue, I feel like I always "lose" the fights. I realize that marital arguments arent about winning or losing, but lets be honest. When you fight, you are looking to get something- a need met, a feeling understood, etc. When that doesnt happen, you have lost the fight. 
Anyway, I feel like whenever my husband and I argue, he is WAY more stubborn than I am (thats saying alot). But he will hold out for as long as it takes to get what he wants if he really thinks he is right. The problem is that I cant stand it when he is mad at me. So often times, even if I feel I am right or have a right to be stubborn and hold out for what I want, I give. Almost always I cave first, because I hate it when we fight or for him to be mad at me.
Sometimes I feel like he uses this against me, and intentionally acts like he is mad at me so I will cave. He insists this isnt true, and that he often gives in before we even fight, so I just dont see the difference. He says he only holds out when he really believes he is right.
If thats true (and I trust him, so I have to believe that it is) then its my own fault when I lose an argument bc I dotn want him to be mad at me or I just want the fighting to stop. But then how do I ever get what I want? 
I realize this is probably just a problem of me needing to decide if something is worth fighting over and then sticking to my guns, but I cant seem to do it. As soon as I feel alienated from my husband, I give in.... 
So, anyone have any advice or is anyone else in the same boat?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I hope someone comes along with something constructive, because even though I've made progress understanding more about myself and not sweating the small stuff, which is sometimes pretty key in my book, I still relate to some of what you say. I my gut it's the unfairness of 'backing down' that gets to me. Rightly or wrongly, of course


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## KayCee (Apr 29, 2011)

That is a large part of it, yes. Always feeling like I am the one who backs down or gives in, and feeling like thats not fair. I know that as long as Im not giving up something that is a huge deal to me then it shouldnt bother me, but it does.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

KayCee said:


> Sometimes I feel like he uses this against me, and intentionally acts like he is mad at me so I will cave.


As someone who has to work to not be so argumentative I can tell you that this is true. I don't act mad I am mad. And I never wanted my H to cave I wanted him to stand up to me. 

It took counseling to fix this with us. I had to learn how to take it down a few notches and he had to learn how to speak up (with me learning how to listen). My H doesn't do arguments so they are pointless and I know that. He gets very upset when I'm mad at him.


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## KayCee (Apr 29, 2011)

Leah L said:


> Oddly, after a few rounds where I held my ground I came to realize his "getting mad" got shorter and shorter....and now he is working at negotiating with me instead of trying to strong-arm me.


I have wondered if this would be the case. I havent ever held out long enough to find out. For some reason, this is also a semi-new issue for me. We have been together 7 years, married almost 4, and i dont remember struggling with this before the last year or so. Its like all of a sudden, I cant stand him being angry with me. And actually, he is a LOT nicer when he gets angry than he used to be, something he has been working hard on. 

It could be that we have been fighting more this past year than in prior years, having been going through some difficult things. 

Anyway, back to me quoting Leah... I have wondered if I just held out long enough, and often enough, he would slowly start backing down quicker or more frequently, but I havent been able to hold out. When he is really being stubborn about an issue, he wont talk to me, he wont touch me, he sleeps on the couch sometimes, and I cant freaking stand it. And it will go on for days if he is really angry/hurt. After one night alone or one day of being ignored, I find myself sucking up so he wont be mad anymore. :scratchhead:



magnoliagal said:


> As someone who has to work to not be so argumentative I can tell you that this is true. I don't act mad I am mad. And I never wanted my H to cave I wanted him to stand up to me.
> 
> It took counseling to fix this with us. I had to learn how to take it down a few notches and he had to learn how to speak up (with me learning how to listen). My H doesn't do arguments so they are pointless and I know that. He gets very upset when I'm mad at him.


I dont really mind when he gets mad at me _during_ an argument, but when the argument is over and he is still angry all night, or for two days after, I hate it. As I said above, I find myself sucking up so he wont ignore me anymore. Alot of times this happens when he is hurt or angry over something I did/said, but even if I feel my actions or words were justified, I give in so he wont stay mad.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, here is what hit me in my case...

If I keep backing down to diffuse the situation - I had better get used to it because I will likely always have to do it.

For me - that was a deal breaker. 

My husband pouts, gives me the silent treatment, and oh yeah, it can go on for DAYS. He did not do this to me when we dated.

So while it was tough - if he wants to pout for days, sleep on the couch, more power to him. I treat him normally and am always willing to talk but I had enough of this crap.

LOL, last few times he tried this, I went to the movies, took myself out for dinner, ignored him completely. During those times I opted to take care of myself and not try to fix the situation.

I don't know about the long run (we've been married less than 2 yrs) but boy, has this stuff seemingly stopped as soon as I wouldn't "play" anymore. 

I think I struggled initially because he seemed so upset....well, if I acted like he did it would be very serious, as in relation-ship ending. It scared me I guess, but I have come to realize it doesn't mean the same to him.


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