# Should I be worried about facebook messages?



## duck77 (Sep 14, 2012)

I've recently found messages between my wife and an old friend who I worked with a long time ago but lost touch with. He showed up again a few years back but became more friends with my wife than me, but that is more down to her than him. She has a habit of building close friendships with any man I become friends with and it's got to the point where all my friends are closer to her than me.

Anyway, she has quite a lot of male friends and I knew she was friends with this latest guy but after reading these messages it seems she is spending more time with him than she has told me about and they are a lot closer than I thought. Most of the messages are innocent but there are ones talking about how he opened up to her and she made him feel like a fool, how he text her his feelings and made her feel awkward, how she opened up to him and how she was confused by him saying one thing in a txt but then telling her how he was missing his ex. Very intimate stuff. They also talk about going for walks in the woods.

It's not the first time I've found messages to another guy. I saw messages between her and a guy who was a friend of a friend a while back. I didn't even know she was aware of this guy until I saw the messages. In these messages she was talking about how she missed him and wanted to be with him, how it wasn't the same without him and she invited him round to our house regularly when I was away with work. I confronted her about this and she said nothing happened but was really sorry she sent the messages and would stop doing it. I trusted her and we moved on.

But now after these latest messages I'm thinking 'here we go again!!'.

What makes it worse is that she is quite controlling and hates me talking to other females whether it be with work or even a friend of my sisters. It's got to the point where i feel uncomfortable talking to another female as I worry my wife will make a scene. I find myself avoiding telling her if I have spoke to a female in work and just call them a colleague instead. She regularly goes through my phone too. I've been through her phone a few times since these messages and noticed she deletes ones i've seen off male friends asking to meet her but left all other messages from 'innocent' contacts. 

I haven't confronted her about these latest messages but it's making me argue with her all the time. Am I paranoid or should I be worrying all over again?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

She's having emotional affairs. Put a stop to it, and figure out why she has to look outside your marriage for someone to be close to. If she hasn't yet, she will probably eventually have a physical affair. Even if not, it's detrimental to your relationship.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hmmm...where have I heard this before? Oh yea, I lived it. She is in ANOTHER emotional affair. As Drover said, stop this thing immediately.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Put your foot down with her and the other up your friend's butt.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

duck77 said:


> I've recently found messages between my wife and an old friend who I worked with a long time ago but lost touch with. He showed up again a few years back but became more friends with my wife than me, but that is more down to her than him. S*he has a habit of building close friendships with any man I become friends with* and it's got to the point where all my friends are closer to her than me.
> 
> Anyway, *she has quite a lot of male friends* and I knew she was friends with this latest guy but after reading these messages it seems s*he is spending more time with him than she has told me about and they are a lot closer than I thought.* Most of the messages are innocent but there are ones talking about how *he opened up to her and she made him feel like a fool, how he text her his feelings and made her feel awkward, how she opened up to him and how she was confused by him saying one thing in a txt but then telling her how he was missing his ex.* *Very intimate stuff.* *They also talk about going for walks in the woods.*
> 
> ...


Reread what you posted. Look at what is highlighted. You are in complete denial. You have been rug sweeping all of this. 

This sounds to me like serially cheating in some combination of EAs / PAs. At least inappropriate and unfaithful but going for walks in the woods and having men over when you are gone. Sounds like no boundaries at all.

Do you have children?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This is not good

She's at least having emotional affairs and the fact that a lot of these get togethers happen when you're not home is troubling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Duck, your wife is not trustworthy. She has no respect for your marriage. Don't tell her to stop. Tell her to go. It is so past the point of saving.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Your wife is incapable of having male friends and staying faithful to you. I wouldn't stick around but if you choose to the FIRST condition going forward to stay in a marriage with you should be NO MALE FRIENDS.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Inappropriate.....tell her to knock it off.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Tell her to stop, now. If she accuses you of being controlling tell her either she controls herself or you will do it for her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you shoud be very worried and you should tell the false friend to go prey on someone else's wife ASAP.

This guy is pursuing he. Give him the boot. Contact his wife/gf and let her know what he is up to.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Be very worried. She is having emotional affairs, and, more than likely physical affairs.



> In these messages she was talking about how she missed him and wanted to be with him, how it wasn't the same without him and * she invited him round to our house regularly when I was away with work.*


I doubt she was inviting him over so they could play Boggle. You are dealing with a serial cheater. You need to deal with this as soon as possible.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Why do you think she doesn't want YOU talking to other women? It's not because she's controlling. She just has experience with what it means for spouses to have opposite sex friends.

No, you are not paranoid. You need to go into ballistic mode.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Yes indeed. Stop it now. My wife was also just chatting. Until it got sexual in nature. Act now


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> They also talk about going for walks in the woods.


I'm a nature lover too. When i was younger is took some ladies for walks in the woods to... see nature in all it's glory.


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## duck77 (Sep 14, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and offering advice. You've all pretty much echoed what I've felt about these latest messages and I know I definitely need to confront her again. I'm just not looking forward to hearing her excuses again and listening to her play it down as if it's all innocent. She always does this when I bring up the issue of her spending time alone with her male friends. But what she doesn't understand is what you have pointed out. She is still having emotional encounters even if they aren't physical encounters (as far as I know anyway). She's not gonna be too happy with me accessing her Facebook again either and she will no doubt focus on that but there's a bigger issue here.

Looks like a major talk is due tomorrow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

How about this time, you don't listen to her excuses and just tell her you will not tolerate this anymore. If she wants to be your wife, then you need to be the most important man in her life (her father, brothers, etc... are important too but you're her husband). I think if she feels she needs so many male friends in her life, then perhaps she should be single and not married to you.

And stop bending to her every time she berates you about talking to a woman. She obviously has no problem getting much closer to your male friends than you do. She probably sees it as weakness and knows she can keep you on her leash as she does as she wishes. I'm not saying to be inappropriate, but at least be yourself.

You didn't mention (or I didn't read it) but do you have children and how old are the both of you?


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## duck77 (Sep 14, 2012)

We're both in our mid 30's and have been together for 15 years. Married since last year. We don't have children but she is saying wants to start trying next year. This is one of the things that confuses me. On one hand she is always going on about the importance of marriage, family, togetherness and commitment but then I see messages like this. She has even said in the past out of the blue that if I ever start thinking that there are problems in our marriage, that I need to work through them instead of running away and possibly finding comfort somewhere else (i.e. another woman). It's almost like everything she says I shouldn't do she does herself.

I don't think I've got the energy to make any new friends, male or female, anymore. I've never had female friends cos of the reasons I've explained to you guys. I'm also not the most outgoing person and you could say I'm pretty shy in public, but i've pretty much lost touch with all my male friends because she has either taken over them, she wasn't fond of them or felt left out when I was with them. 

I'd say my closest friends right now are the guys I work with. But even then, when I started my latest job a few years ago, she befriended all their girlfriends, took all the guys' mobile numbers at one point or another and she calls them non stop if I'm away from her and not answering my phone. Sometimes she even knows about upcoming events with my job before I do.

There was an occasion recently where I was away with work. I called her as I do everyday when I'm away, and she gave me a load of abuse down the phone for not telling her that one of the head people at the company we were dealing with was female. She found this out from one of the other guys who, on the day, was more friendly with this female. I didn't pay much attention to this woman if I'm honest.

I feel like I have absolutely no room to move without her knowing every detail. But then I'm not the one in the relationship who is having emotional affairs with other people but the one who gives her all the space she needs.


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## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

I think im just going to echo what everyone else has said but if she doesnt stop after a confrontation then you need to really think about your emotional well being and your future. 
My wife had an EA and when i found the messages and started to pack my bag (i had it out with her and told her no games and transparency a month earlier) she said holly $hit and stopped everything completely. Get yourself a text retriever program for her phone, i did to do a check to make sure and check phone records. Also access to facebook.
After your talk and she knows shes hurting your emotional health and continues or doesnt want to work with you. Shes not the one.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Your already worried. Pretend your another person reading your post. Then read the facts stated in your post. You already know the answer. Now the problem is what are you going to do about it. 

IMHO: 

-You let your wife dominate the relationship.

-She checks your emails. But your afraid to check hers because she will get angry. She is jealous if you are in contact with other women. But she doesn't see her *hypocritical behavior* with her constant texting and closeness of male friends

-She overpowers your friendships with other people, or fells left out if she can't connect with that friendship you have. So she disapproves of you being friends with that person. Your wife likes to be the center of attention with anything or anyone your involved with.

-She purposely makes friends with everyone you have contact with as a way to keep tabs on you.

-She doesn't respect how you feel about her contact with her male friends, and YOU allow it to continue. Your also afraid to confront her in a manner that clearly states you don't like and won't tolerate her actions any longer.(That's why your saying "Here we go again")

Your going to have to stop being shy and become more social. Make your presence felt and let the male friends know that you wont tolerate the constant contact with your wife and vice versa. Stop letting yourself be the invisible doormat. If person perceives you as too nice or passive, they will consciously or unconsciously take advantage of you. (Your friends and wife included.)

Both of you should go to a MC and discuss the concerns you mentioned in this post. Force her to realize her actions and what the consequences are if she continues. ie seperation ,divorce or anything that shows you got balls and will follow through. Then you will see what she values more. Her male friends or your Marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

duck77 said:


> Thanks for taking the time to read my post and offering advice. You've all pretty much echoed what I've felt about these latest messages and I know I definitely need to confront her again. I'm just not looking forward to hearing her excuses again and listening to her play it down as if it's all innocent. She always does this when I bring up the issue of her spending time alone with her male friends. But what she doesn't understand is what you have pointed out. She is still having emotional encounters even if they aren't physical encounters (as far as I know anyway). She's not gonna be too happy with me accessing her Facebook again either and she will no doubt focus on that but there's a bigger issue here.
> 
> Looks like a major talk is due tomorrow
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is all well and good to talk through issues with ones partner. This should be the first step. 

Not to bash you but this has gone on for way too long already. You should have put your foot down immediately. We cannot control other people but we can control what we accept.

So while you need to speak with her, realistically in a very calm but firm way you need to tell her this is unacceptable and it must stop immediately. Not cool down time. Cold turkey. Now the biggest problem is that you have allowed her to do this and she has had greate success in arguing with you. So you have taught your wife how she can treat you. Unduing that is hard enough, however on top of that she is going to need to go through withdrawal first. 

So while it is going 1000 times more difficult than it would have been you must do it. Also if you compromise on this you are lost in the hell of vagueness and slippery slopes.

Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

duck, I think you are an abused person suffering from psychological damage. Just like the battered woman who can't leave her husband and in fact justifies his beatings of her. Except in your case she has systematically broken you down and boxed you up until you are isolated from the rest of the world and unable to leave her. You don't see her behaviors as outrageous. But she is acting outrageously!

You need to break from her. I think it means you have to physically separate from her. But if you can't do that yet you need to at least set some boundaries on what is acceptable. The consequences of her violating your boundaries? It is up to you but for these issues the consequence should be divorce. She won't believe you at first because you have not enforced any reasonable boundaries yet.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> Tell her to stop, now. If she accuses you of being controlling tell her either she controls herself or you will do it for her.


Silly! Why would you want to be in a relationship where you control the other person?!?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Yes you shoud be very worried and you should tell the false friend to go prey on someone else's wife ASAP.
> 
> This guy is pursuing he. Give him the boot. Contact his wife/gf and let her know what he is up to.


You're kidding, right?!? You really think the other guy is the problem?!? He is not the problem, SHE IS!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> You're kidding, right?!? You really think the other guy is the problem?!? He is not the problem, SHE IS!!


She certainly is, but just because she is willing it does not give this other guy a free pass.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WalterWhite said:


> You're kidding, right?!? You really think the other guy is the problem?!? He is not the problem, SHE IS!!


What ever it takes to make this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue, then do it! The goal here is making the hunt not worth the prize.

Lets face it, you have alot of problems and tackle them as they come and if confronting OM gets rid of one of many problems then do it.

Sure your oldlady has issues that you need to address, so does the OM and at the end of the day confronting OM can be empowering.

In fact the OM wife or girlfriend even his mom and dad my not be the complete answer to your problems....the fact of the matter is exposing, confronting and just plain old stiring the sht pot will help with one goal in mind and that is making the affair inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

The goal here is stopping all contact with OM then you guys can work on the marriage once the outside influence is no longer in play.

I will say it one more time, what ever it takes make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

At the end of the day the affair isn't as daring and taboo when its out in the light of day and the excitement losses its luster when everyone know what it realy is...an relationship ribbing a family apart!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WalterWhite said:


> Silly! Why would you want to be in a relationship where you control the other person?!?


Your not controling the other person but protecting your family and your marriage...Granted its up to the cheating spouse to except this protection, and the fact of the matter is the wayward doesn;t realize the protection being offered until they are done boing used and thrown away by AP.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Dont have unprotected sex with this woman! You can tell her that her relationships with other men have undermined your trust in her as a wife and you would not consider having children until she deals with her constant emotional wandering because you believe it will ruin your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you think nothing happened after she invited him to our house? Is this guy still in contact with you ?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Your wife might not even realize it, but she's having an emotional affair. Having An Affair? There Are Six Different Kinds | Psychology Today


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