# How do you deal with someone who wants you to beg???



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I realized something tonight when I was doing something which has been one of the most extremely hard things I have had to do....look for a daycare(I have been a SAHM and this is honestly killing me!) I am even thinking about honestly trying to live off my child support/savings because of it, I could make it for a little while if I was pretty careful 

Well in the weeks before H left I was pretty much BEGGING him to stay....to an almost extreme level. I have to say it was pretty pathetic Even thou it was him who was lying about being with another OW/co-worker/friend(I don't even know what the hell to call it) sneaking around lying hiding his phone ect. I begged and pleaded my case. Since he has been gone I have also pretty much begged/pleaded my case over and over again. 

Well I sort of woke up the other day and really started to see a lot of things clearer then I was.....I guess in many ways I just needed to take a long deep breath. 

Ever since he has left he keeps saying something very hurtful, 'what do you just want me to come back??' or 'maybe I should just come back' or my favorite 'what do you want me to do about it' Up until today when he would say that I would either respond, ' you know what I want you to do...I want you to come home/work on it' or something similar. 

Today he said this several times and I just didn't respond. I broke down driving home from the day care and he even had the BALLS to try to make it about him and I told him that THIS had nothing to do about him it had to do with me having to but my BABIES(well 1 is a toddler but they will always be my babies) in daycare....something I never wanted to do. 

He said it several times and I noticed he keep almost pausing for me to say something. Then I realized he wanted me to beg him to come home. 

How do I deal with this? I almost feel like he is holding this over my head to see how far I will jump!


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Oh I wanted to add that as we are going through all of this driving to the daycare ect. he keep getting texted and almost hiding his phone. I know the 1st one was from a friend but when he answered it he almost 'hide' it so I couldn't see it, so he is obviously talking to someone that he doesn't want me to know about. 

I hate to say this but I honestly mean it. I hope that this other person friend or not is worth it I honestly do because he has has chosen this 'friendship' over his family. I hope he has a very long and happy 'friendship' and doesn't look back with regrets.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Do you want me to be a wise coach or tell you the real truth? Because the real truth is that this weekend I would go to Home Depot and buy new doorknobs and change the locks, so that he "moves home" on MY terms, not when his "friend" dumps him! 

Then the next time he drops that bomb "...maybe I should just come back..." I would take the opportunity to say right then, "I'm sorry but you are not invited back and I'm not sure when or if I will ever want you again" and turn and walk out. 

Of course, I'm a little spunky that way 

BTW, rather than taking your children out of their home, have you considered in-home child care? There are au pairs, you can hire early childhood education students (room & board and some pay), etc. I did that when I was younger in college--room & board in exchange for care and then did my classes around that schedule. Might want to consider that as it would be less of a shock to your kids. Also you may want to consider working 3/4 time (32-35 hr/wk) plus child support, or working from home.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

He's stringing you along. Stop begging him about things and get on with creating a life for you and your children that you can be happy and proud about. 

When he realizes that you are not going to beg him to come back, he'll either start to straighten up, or you will learn that life is happier when you aren't damaging your own self esteem to feed someone else's sick ego.

This is about you and your babies now. Affaircare had a great idea about standing up for yourself. You may not feel ready to take it to that extreme, but at least stop begging and start living your life to bring joy and happiness to yourself as much as possible. You'll become much more attractive when you don't come across as needy or desperate.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Because the real truth is that this weekend I would go to Home Depot and buy new doorknobs and change the locks, so that he "moves home" on MY terms, not when his "friend" dumps him!


Bad move, coach.

That would illegal eviction and she could get in trouble with the police for that.

Don't change the locks.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Don't be sad about daycare. 

Daycare really got a bad rap in this country. Other than the infections and an occasional bite (bitten or the biter), daycare can be an enrichening part of a childhood. They get to make basic friendships, they toddler socialize, and learn to adapt to a classroom atmosphere.

Not saying it's somethign you wish for, but don't let it kill you.

Anyway, it sounds like your husband is playing a game of "blink" where he wants you to say that you need his presence in his life, notsomuch as to beg. 

I admit I have gone through that. . .I have wanted my wife to say, "Gee, you know. . .you did a lot around here. Your contribution was valuable and I miss that. More than that, I miss you."

I think stating that, if true, is not begging. It's having a mea culpa. It would have been golden to hear. It's saying, "I appreciate(d) you." Or I didn't appreciate you and I am sorry.

I really don't recall the whole background on your separation though. . .there's another woman in this obviously.

I really do recommend just continually making it a business transaction with your "business partner." That does change the whole "reality"the situation for him with regards to the other woman. . . he seems to be emotionally wielding power over you so you could turn the tables a bit and focus on the business of child-rearing, child support, and how the house will probably have to be sold and you move away with the kids. Don't make anything threatening (although, he will take it that way more than likely). . .just say I am re-evaluating all my options and I am more than likely going to have to downsize and I am considering relocation.

He needs a dose of reality a bit. . .it's hard to call this from afar - whether there was neglect in there or what.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

double post...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Bad move, coach.
> 
> That would illegal eviction and she could get in trouble with the police for that.
> 
> Don't change the locks.


Actually sorry! It's my understanding that the rules about this vary from state to state, so you should check with your attorney. You can file for exclusive residency of the home, which will then allow you to change the locks for sure. I happened to live in one of those states that had exclusive residency if one party moved out for a certain number of days...BUT you're right it is part and parcel of the legalities. Best advice is to consult an attorney and see how your state deals with exclusive residency when both names are on the title and one has moved out. 

THEN change the locks!


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Thank you ALL for the great advice I will say the last few days have been very eye opening to me and a lot of his actions. I will never beg him ever again to come home. I would love to say EXACTLY what Affaircare recommend but I know him well enough that if I do he will just throw it in my face and he will play a victim and it will be all my fault.

It is honestly bothering him right now that I will not fight with him and being nice/bettering myself. He even texted me a few days after he left that he was scared that I was changing and that him leaving was a big mistake. He has been now trying to provoke/trigger me for almost a month now and I WONT let him bait me....even with all of this going on I am in a better place right now and I am not willing to go back to that place with him.

I did break down crying in front of him yesterday but honestly it had nothing to do with him it was the kids and I think he realized that at the end and even felt a little bad. That will be the last time even if it means me not coming face to face with him for an extended time for a long time.

I use to be a strong confident women who cared herself well. I use to know I was attractive, sexy, smart and it use to project outward.....I was happier. I am going to become that women again and I am NOT doing it for him but myself. I approached this all wrong I wanted to change so he would love me and I realized(quickly so I guess I got lucky) that he was using my wanting him to love/hold/respect me as something to hold over my head and as a pawn. This is something I never expected from him and I have seen a very different side of him and it has not been good at all.

I wanted to add the in home daycare we looked at was amazing this is something that is very very hard for me. Also I decided I am not going to work FT not right now. I am able to get by on my child support and saving.....with PT job I will actually be doing REALLY good. H has to pay for the daycare and believe he is already complaining about the prices. I asked him what he EXPECTED daycare to cost and he had no answer. I am not going to put more stress on my children right now and working PT will put less stress on them and me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

finallyseewhy said:


> It is honestly bothering him right now that I will not fight with him and being nice/bettering myself. He even texted me a few days after he left that he was scared that I was changing and that him leaving was a big mistake.



This is a classic cause and effect example of "Love Must be Tough". Read Dobson's book and you'll understand. Your husband has narcissistic tendencies and wants to be the center of attention no mater how it makes you feel. He needs to be in control. The LMBT approach may make him draw back to you but the question you need to honestly answer is, will you want him back.

Don't fret too much over daycare I'm sure it is a tough decision but can be a positive experience for the kids also. Ours all went through them from infancy and all came out just fine. Honor roll, well adjusted, happy, socially skilled jocks. Good luck.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Amp you are pretty much right on the money and I am going to have to go pick up that book. Every wrong thing he has done in 11 years(and I am talking a lot really really messed up things stuff that if I typed it all out people would wonder WHY I stayed so long....) as always been MY fault because I was mean or said something wrong ect. I know I have not been the prefect wife and I am accepting that, but I am also looking at how much I am expected to take.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Good for you finallyseewhy! You are becoming stronger and gaining clarity and it shows in your posts.

I know some children love daycare and some take a little longer to adjust. Just visit them often at first and make a big deal out of how big they are becoming to be able to go off with their friends like that while you work. I'm sure they will be just fine.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I feel stronger Tracy I really do. Today he tried yet again to start a fight about money with me and I told him that I just won't fight with him. I told him that he knew his children were going to incur expenses and he is responsible. He pretty much wants me to help him cover things because it is 'hard on him' and I need to 'understand' He even said that he is going to be miserable the rest of his life because of it....when I told him that was sad he told me that I was happy :eyeroll: I told him that was not true and it was very sad and then he said no I meant financially. 

He is showing a really ugly side and anger/spiteful/hateful I am starting to be really happy with myself and in a good place. I am just not willing to let him bring his negativity to that. I even told him today if he couldn't not be negative we would talk through a mediator and he freaked out and said that it was too much $$$....

His fantasy isn't turning out to be what it was and reality is setting him for the both of us and I guess we are dealing with it different.


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