# Now I am in the resentment phase



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Okay, if you know my story good for you  if not even better 

Recovering nice guy (=doormat), wife treating me with very little respect, a lot of yelling and accusing (which still accrues today although much less). Stopped being a "nice guy", became much more assertive, wife noticed changed and responded pretty good to it - although she still has many issues which are unrelated to me, but affect our marriage greatly.

The thing is, I kind of became passive and that it in spite the fact that things got much better!!!

I don't care so much anymore to buy her things, to make her happy (I had once a story of her rejecting a gift, and almost every time I tried to surprise her I kind of ended up suffering - so I have ZERO interest in doing that again.

Although our sex life is a bit better, I am not so much attracted to her (she is very good looking)

Etc.

I feel that this is all from resentment built within me for years. I never let myself feel, but now that I do it's just come up so strong and full force.

What do you think? What can/Should I do?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As you learned, you helped train her to disrespect you. Now you are training her to treat you with respect. If you don't enjoy giving her gifts it's because she's trained you to expect your gifts will be ill-received. That's not your fault or your problem. If she likes getting gifts she's going to have to learn to receive them with a little graciousness and appreciation. I don't think it's resentment as much as it's evidence that you're trainable. Only a lunatic would keep jumping through hoops to buy gifts for an ungrateful person.
As far as a lack of attraction, you're probably in a position now to see how sinister and low her disrespect of you has really been. It'd be really easy to lose attraction. You must remind yourself that she didn't beat you down by herself. She had you for an accomplice and she didn't do anything to you that you didn't permit. You had the power to get your respect back all the time. She's not your enemy and never really was. She didn't enjoy beating you down any more than you enjoyed having it done. When people learn better, they do better.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Yeah, but it's not like she really changes - she is still very much self centered as she was before, except she won't do certain things that won't fly with the new me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Yeah, but it's not like she really changes - she is still very much self centered as she was before, except she won't do certain things that won't fly with the new me.


Well that's some steps in the right direction.

There are many stages to get through this. You through each of them one at a time. Have you worked through the “His Needs, Her Needs” book? If not this sounds like the right time for you to do it. There is a lot you need to address and the book would help with that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It took her years, probably decades, to learn bad habits. It'll take some time to learn a different way of relating to her husband. One day at a time.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, if you know my story good for you  if not even better
> 
> Recovering nice guy (=doormat), wife treating me with very little respect, a lot of yelling and accusing (which still accrues today although much less). Stopped being a "nice guy", became much more assertive, wife noticed changed and responded pretty good to it - although she still has many issues which are unrelated to me, but affect our marriage greatly.
> 
> ...


My ex husband used to buy me gifts that I'm sure he felt I rejected. Yes, I would return his gift items, I always felt bad about it, but should I have let them go to waste? Keep in mind we were married 27 years.

He bought me things like:

Country music CD's and box sets of TV shows - but I hate country music and I don't watch TV. He loves country music and watching TV. 

A short beautiful frilly red dress that would look lovely on a 12 year old,, and my least favorite color is red, but he loves it. Even my grown daughter wouldn't wear this dress.

A diamond and ruby ring, stunning actually, but the only jewelry I ever wear are earrings due to a known medical condition (joint issues in my hands).

One year I asked him for a gift certificate to a specific spa (can't go wrong right?). He bought me a Barnes & Nobles gift card. Well, at least I love to read!

I could go on and on, my point being are the gifts you give truly reflective of what she might like?


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Mrs. Poovey, it's not the point. Search for my old threads about the topic. I went crazy looking for things her style, but she just didn't know how to be a gracious receiver. 

Last night - after going to sleep so upset - I spent some more time thinking about it. So I will summarize to you how I feel.

In over six years of our marriage, I didn't really feel
Loved
Appreciated
Cared for 
Respected
Important to my wife.

Now, whenever I bring it up, she keeps on telling me how she doesn't know how to express her feelings, and she loves me so much and blah blah blah. But like I wrote, I am at a point of resenting. I used to compliment her plenty, I stopped. Why should I if I got maybe a handful of compliments since our marriage? 

What I do hear, and plenty, is all of the not-enough things, or worse yet, bad things, that I did.

Before I stopped being a nice guy, she used to call me names, yell etc. Now she almost never does it, she is choosing to speak polite, but the idea is still the same.

"Did you realize you did this" and "can you please pay attention to do this this way as last time you didn't" and "if this will happen it would get ruined".

Now, in my mind there are 2 options:

Either I am just an incapable person who can't do anything right, or that my wife just always sees the flaws in me. In either case, I am sick of it. If I am so not capable, you don't have to live with me anymore (I have told her that more than once). If she is just a negative person (which I think is the case), than I came to a point that I can't handle anymore too much negativity. 

I opened another thread about how to force someone to seek professional help. I think I need to focus on that - give her a real deadline of us - or just her - going to see a therapist, or else. I know I have to do this!

Let me just to continue vent. If you read this anyways...  it used to be that she would harass me for what I did wrong, or not enough in her eyes. Now it became a state of constant nagging, non-stop, all day long.

When it comes with zero positive communication, it's just wears me down.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I hear you about the resentment phase. I can't exactly tell you how to move past it (I got out of it for a while but am back in it - it sucks).

Here are some things I see in your posts in this thread:

You are allowing her negativity to impact you. Get past that. Check out "Codependant No More" by Melanie Beattie. Discover the things that ground or energize you. Do those, focus on em. Make YOU the center of your world.

Do what you think is right, 100% of the time. Always ask yourself "what would the man I want to be do in this situation?" and then do that. Don't care what she thinks about what you did or what the result is.

You gotta figure out what your needs are and how to express them to your wife. An effective statement might be structured like this:

"I feel _______ when you ______. I would feel _______ if you did _______ this way." or "I feel _______ when you ______. I expect ______." 

For instance "I feel like you don't care about me when we do not have sex for extended periods of time. I expect to feel like my wife cares about me. I would feel much closer to you if we f()cked like jackrabbits just now"

I think it's a matter of perspective and communication.

I for one, can totally sympathize with the feeling of the entire marriage being arranged to please 1 spouse.....


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You are so right in the fact that I let her negativity to impact me. But cut me some slack: it's pretty tough to stay positive when being criticized all day long! Right?


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

You are playing the victim RIGHT NOW

Man up


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> Mrs. Poovey, it's not the point. Search for my old threads about the topic. I went crazy looking for things her style, but she just didn't know how to be a gracious receiver.
> 
> ........
> .


*No I'm not searching for your old threads. I was merely pointing out that PERHAPS your gifts aren't really appropriate to her liking. 

Every comment made you have something the opposite to say about it. Why bother posting, just argue with yourself.*


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Josh, I hear some similarities of you in me. I don't think my W was as negative or critical of me as yours sounds. But it took me a long time to express my unhappiness. Advice here helped me to do that, although not in a controlled manner.

I know you posted about MC in another thread and I think you should force that issue. Find an MC & tell her you are making an appt - assuming you want things to get better. If so, recognize that there are probably things you could improve for her/both of you. These things are rarely one sided. I reached the resentment phase too, but finally learned in MC the biggest things I was doing wrong or not doing which contributed to the problems. MC gave me venue to express myself in a constructive manner. In turn it gave her that same opportunity. It gave us both things to work on. Some of those exercises seemed fruitless at the time and I don't know that we are out of the woods yet, so take my advice with lots of grains of salt. Once I started to turn a corner in my life, things got *a lot* worse before I saw any evidence that they *could* get better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> When it comes with zero positive communication, it's just wears me down.


What do you get out of your relationship? Why do you want to continue to be married to her? What positives (if any) are you currently receiving?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I really do understand what you are saying OP.

I had the same things happening to me. 

"you just bought me that because you want to get laid" she would say. 

How romantic...hahahaha. 

The important point made about not being a victim anymore is crucial. By recognizing what you are not getting you are also recognizing what you need. Ask yourself how far you will go and what you are willing to do in order to meet those needs. 

If your partner is not fulfilling them or at least making an effort to then who will?

Presently I am in marriage counselling and it has been enlightening but so far not healing. 

When we first began I thought 80% we could fix this marriage 20% we will divorce. 

My feelings on this are now completely reversed. 

I am glad my wife and I are at a stalemate on certain issues. I will have my needs met. If not by her then someone else. ( after a divorce of course )

If we get divorced so be it because I am not ever going back to the way things were as it was completely unhealthy for me emotionally and physically. 

Perhaps it's a power struggle. I don't really care as long as we begin to see eye to eye. I am not going to "work" on my marriage without any sign of improvement for more than a few months. 

Take a stand for your needs and indeed your very life.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> He bought me things like:
> 
> Country music CD's and box sets of TV shows - but I hate country music and I don't watch TV. He loves country music and watching TV.
> 
> ...


I call this passive-aggressive gift-giving and yes, my H does this too. So *not *fun ... sigh.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> You are so right in the fact that I let her negativity to impact me. But cut me some slack: it's pretty tough to stay positive when being criticized all day long! Right?


Yep, I can relate, my H was a constant criticizer/yeller, several times per day for over 15 years. It can mess with your head and it can cause PTSD very S-L-O-W-L-Y. I know because I was diagnosed by a professional. Who knew?

I was stupid and thought I had to endure it to “keep the peace” and also because I was holding onto the hope instilled by the fact that the first few years of the marriage were great. And then, I began to fight back … I was advised to use phrases like “Please do not speak to me that way” or to just say “Stop!” if the abuse was particularly bad, followed up by walking away if he didn’t stop. I was also advised to practice this behavior at all times; in front of the kids because it would teach them to speak up for themselves; in public because any resulting embarrassment was not mine to own.

I would say it took about 6 months of consistent practice however my H’s criticism/yelling did totally stop. I will never forget the look on H’s face the first time I used one of my “stand up for me” phrases and walked away from him … he was gob-smacked.


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