# Attitude During Separation Discussion



## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I know that my husband and I are separating. I've accepted it for what it is. 

I've seen an attorney, and have a follow-up next week. 

We still live in the same house and have 3-children under 5 (youngest is 3 months). 

He asked me today about when I was seeing the attorney since he's anxious to "talk." I burst into tears and told him to stop pressuring me. He tells me that he doesn't want to be adversarial, and tries to give me a hug. I mean after the last 12-months of so much stress from all of this, he's not my friend. So how can this be NOT adversarial? Now that I'm not pregnant and hormonal, I'm just seething inside. All the damn time. 

Not to mention we have to split custody of the kids, I have to think about selling or staying in the house (he thinks I'm an idiot for wanting to stay in the house), decide on hiring lawyer or not, figuring out whether to switch jobs for something that pays more (but I lose flexibility) etc. 

I won't go into details of the crap I went through while pregnant. It was horrible. But he's actually expecting me to be "friendly?" I want to stay positive, but dang, it's hard. 

I mean him SPEAKING to me puts me in a spin. Sigh.

How do you all handle this? Do you "speak" to each other over email? Do you "speak" to each other text only? Do you handle "details" via email? Or do you just give each other shooting glares and wish death to each other? 

Sorry, melodrama on a Sunday night.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

The more details you provide, the better TAM can help. Is also a place to vent.

Lots of books, advice if we know what you need.

Google 'The 180" for a start.....


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

In-house separation? All you do is get through it. I chose to go work out a lot during that time. It got me out of the house, away from her and allowed me to work out some of the anger. I also seen it as a good way to prepare for life after divorce....bettering myself and such.

Otherwise, there was very little communication. She loved to avoid the elephant in the room (her extramarital exploits) so I'd ninja in a stinging remark at her expense when she tried stupid small talk. Other than that, the only communication should be about kids and the divorce. Once you are separated, it's way easier. You can do it all by text or email and they just become more or less over time a business partner to you. Your only tie to them is to be a good coparent.

Right now it just sucks. But it goes away and happiness will follow. You just have to slog through waist deep sh*t for awhile to get there.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I agree w/ Sunsetmist, google 180 no contact and start initiating it. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, he wants you to sell, say buy me out. You have to communicate somehow since you have children, may I suggest email not texting. You sound like a very strong woman LoveIsPatient, don't beat yourself up to hard. Best advice, put all your love into your children, in the end they will remember who left and who didnt...who was there for them and who wasnt...btw, how long where you married?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

loveispatient, when you stick to one thread you get more focused advice.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Sorry for you problem liveispatient. Take a breath and listen to the advice. Good luck


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let me begin by saying that under no condition do you even consider leaving the home, more especially with your children! That is likely the only home they've ever known!

There is something in the divorce/filing phase that preeminently makes a relationship adversarial by sheer nature!

What seems to be the root cause of the impending divorce? Infidelity, irreconcilable differences, et.al.?*


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

sunsetmist said:


> The more details you provide, the better TAM can help. Is also a place to vent.
> 
> Lots of books, advice if we know what you need.
> 
> Google 'The 180" for a start.....


I should have probably just posted this on the previous thread I started. My fault. 

Yes, I am familiar with the 180 and have been able to do some of it. But with three kids under 5 and the youngest being 3 months, there's no going out and having fun..  I do the best I can. I stay busy with prepping the mornings for the kids, wait for the nanny, go to work (I work FT), come home and deal with some semblance of dinner (I may just take the kids out and wing it), and bed by 10 p.m. I don't sleep late, I stay as grounded as possible, church and faith, I keep my conversations pointed, and short texts. 

But he usually wants to "talk" and that's when it becomes an issue. He wants to keep things moving, and I understand that. However, pressuring me makes it increasingly stressful for me. I can't "talk" about these things without it becoming emotional, which makes it hard to be thoughtful and logical. 

I see atty again on August 2nd. So he can wait without having to talk about details in my opinion.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> In-house separation? All you do is get through it. I chose to go work out a lot during that time. It got me out of the house, away from her and allowed me to work out some of the anger. I also seen it as a good way to prepare for life after divorce....bettering myself and such.
> 
> Otherwise, there was very little communication. She loved to avoid the elephant in the room (her extramarital exploits) so I'd ninja in a stinging remark at her expense when she tried stupid small talk. Other than that, the only communication should be about kids and the divorce. Once you are separated, it's way easier. You can do it all by text or email and they just become more or less over time a business partner to you. Your only tie to them is to be a good coparent.
> 
> Right now it just sucks. But it goes away and happiness will follow. You just have to slog through waist deep sh*t for awhile to get there.


I'd love to be out of the house more for my own sanity, but it's at the cost of the kids with my youngest being 3 months and still nursing and they need at least one present parent. Working out would be nice, so I do what I can at home. You're right though, working out does kill some of the anger. He's only in the house because he won't move until we nail down separation details. So I'm hoping it'll get done in a few weeks. In the meantime, he works from home because his jobs lets him, or hangs with his mom so that he doesn't have to be home much, or heads up to see his best bud. He goes out more and stays out of my way, but sometimes, I just can't avoid him. 

No, he never mentions his infidelity. I'd zing back, but it's not worth the aggravation. I know it's done and we've had problems outside of his little affair that it is never really one thing to pick on.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Let me begin by saying that under no condition do you even consider leaving the home, more especially with your children! That is likely the only home they've ever known!
> 
> There is something in the divorce/filing phase that preeminently makes a relationship adversarial by sheer nature!
> 
> What seems to be the root cause of the impending divorce? Infidelity, irreconcilable differences, et.al.?*


I'm not leaving. He tries to get me to leave while I was pregnant, several times, and I didn't then. I won't be now. The house offers stability for the kids and I for now. I don't know if I want to "hang on to the house" but right now, it "feels" like the right thing to do while I figure out where I want to live next since schools are going to be a major consideration. 

Root cause is complicated. Water under the bridge. Just a combo of lying about sexual history before marriage, infidelity, disrespect, severe depression, excessive drinking, and just general unhappiness with me. But at the end of the day, he's just not happy and I can do a billion things to change, he'll still stay unhappy and continue doing the things he's going to that ultimately hurts the marriage and me, while I stay resentful and bitter because I'm the one blamed for the failure in our marriage. So it's just stupid. 

Though he said most recently that he doesn't know anymore. Anyway, he said, she said, the truth is somewhere in the middle right?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I can see a similar path to what I went through with you and I would recommend the same in terms of once the decision was made on how to go about it. Since my EW wanted the Divorce, she had no problems talking about it, she wanted to get the show on the road. The sooner she could shed me, the sooner she could have her ultimate happiness and be one step closer to doing her part of leaving her spouse in hopes that her OM would leave his. She carried herself with cold calculation, not really any emotions involved other than when she wanted to get her way or when the OM's W would find out they were still an item.

I went through so many different emotions and strategies in my 13 months of Hell. From trying to save the marriage for 6 months, to trying to be a hard-a$$ (that didn't last long) to trying to get my way and what was fair with custody, possessions, etc (that didn't last long) to just getting back to who I was and what made me look at myself in the mirror for the last 5 months of living together while the divorce played out.

I'm a 'Nice Guy' one that gives more than takes by a longshot so when it came back to it, I decided that I didn't want to go out with anger and resentment, I could still have those feelings and confront them periodically and when it was done but during the process, once I figured out what worked best for me, it was to go out with peace. It didn't mean I was her friend, far from it. I just became cordial again, I didn't say anything to her during the day and very little at night when at home, only kid and dinner related items. 

I tried to guide the divorce items in my own way, through emails, to leave a trail that would protect both of us and so that I wouldn't have to talk to her in person, which is what she always wanted to do because she didn't have an issue with it and wanted to control the narrative. There were times, probably 3, at least where we did have to talk face to face, most of it involving the plan for shared custody and once I decided to drop my pursuit of going for a 60/40 split once I realized no matter how wrong she had done the family over the past year, they were not going to give the mother less than 50%. 

Sorry for all of the sidetracks here but was trying to add perspective. Don't feel bad about enforcing your boundaries of communication and what works best for you in the process. Send emails with details if that works best for you, I think it is a good solution because it eliminates he said/she said and it is cut and dry. Try to remain calm and cordial but by NO means do you have to be 'friendly'. If he wants to talk in person and you don't want to, let him know you would prefer not to and you are working on things you would like to discuss with him (whether through email or eventually in person). Just make sure that when you do talk to him in person that you have your discussion points and goals in hand and already planned out so the conversation can't go way off the rails and if it does, you can choose to end it there.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

irish925 said:


> I agree w/ Sunsetmist, google 180 no contact and start initiating it. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, he wants you to sell, say buy me out. You have to communicate somehow since you have children, may I suggest email not texting. You sound like a very strong woman LoveIsPatient, don't beat yourself up to hard. Best advice, put all your love into your children, in the end they will remember who left and who didnt...who was there for them and who wasnt...btw, how long where you married?


Married 14 years this year. 

I am independent and strong, but not when it comes to the kids, and at the risk of losing time with them if I aggravate him too much. It's a delicate balance of making sure that I can take care of the kiddos as a single parent, but at the same time, not push too hard on the finances. 

I know he's strapped and would like to sell to get some equity out of the house. I mean, he's going to be starting over. I do feel some level of sympathy for him, but I guess I need to get over it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

loveispatient said:


> I'd love to be out of the house more for my own sanity, but it's at the cost of the kids with my youngest being 3 months and still nursing and they need at least one present parent. Working out would be nice, so I do what I can at home. You're right though, working out does kill some of the anger. He's only in the house because he won't move until we nail down separation details. So I'm hoping it'll get done in a few weeks. In the meantime, he works from home because his jobs lets him, or hangs with his mom so that he doesn't have to be home much, or heads up to see his best bud. He goes out more and stays out of my way, but sometimes, I just can't avoid him.
> 
> No, he never mentions his infidelity. I'd zing back, but it's not worth the aggravation. I know it's done and we've had problems outside of his little affair that it is never really one thing to pick on.


I hear ya. I was lucky in that my ex-W just moved out. I didn't even file until 4 months after she was out, not because of some flittering hope but because of holidays and working like a dog. When he is home, ask him if he can watch the little one and go for a run or something. Little things will keep you moving forward.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> I can see a similar path to what I went through with you and I would recommend the same in terms of once the decision was made on how to go about it. Since my EW wanted the Divorce, she had no problems talking about it, she wanted to get the show on the road. The sooner she could shed me, the sooner she could have her ultimate happiness and be one step closer to doing her part of leaving her spouse in hopes that her OM would leave his. She carried herself with cold calculation, not really any emotions involved other than when she wanted to get her way or when the OM's W would find out they were still an item.
> 
> I went through so many different emotions and strategies in my 13 months of Hell. From trying to save the marriage for 6 months, to trying to be a hard-a$$ (that didn't last long) to trying to get my way and what was fair with custody, possessions, etc (that didn't last long) to just getting back to who I was and what made me look at myself in the mirror for the last 5 months of living together while the divorce played out.
> 
> ...


I guess it's where we are right now. We talk about the kids, and dinner. I don't say much. He goes upstairs. He sends me random memes. Hate those personally. I usually do OK not engaging, but when a little upset, I make the mistake of caring about what he's doing or what's going on. So that's on me. On good days, I can keep things separate. On a bad day, it's rough. 

Emails are likely better. It's what I've been doing for the details for the most part. He'd rather talk. I'm no good about talking about it because it gets emotional for me when we start talking about the kids and splitting time and vacations etc. 

I'm just hoping the next 18 years of my life isn't this stressful. I know I have to "deal" with him for the unforeseen future because of the kids.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"I make the mistake of caring about what he's doing or what's going on. So that's on me." 

This will happen for a good while, it's normal, you were vested for so long, dedicated to what the vows were. This will not just go away, it will just gradually fade but not really even begin to fade until you are living separately. I can't remember, are you in counseling for yourself? If not, please do so, it helped me a bunch.

"I'm just hoping the next 18 years of my life isn't this stressful"

According to almost everyone else that has been where we are going through, it won't be. It gets better. For strong people that push on, even when it still hurts like a B inside. Eventually, people like us come out on the other side, bruised, battered but with wisdom and with something waiting for us in good time.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> "I make the mistake of caring about what he's doing or what's going on. So that's on me."
> 
> This will happen for a good while, it's normal, you were vested for so long, dedicated to what the vows were. This will not just go away, it will just gradually fade but not really even begin to fade until you are living separately. I can't remember, are you in counseling for yourself? If not, please do so, it helped me a bunch.
> 
> ...


Yep. I see a therapist. I couldn't see her the last three months of so with the baby, maternity leave, my parents being in town to help, and me flying the coop to Asia for some TLC with my family etc. But she's on my calendar for 4:30 p.m. tomorrow. She makes me feel better in general. Or rather talking it through with her generally gives me a better perspective of what to expect. 

I'm told it'll get better. I think it's primarily the fear of the unknown and what to expect really bothers me. Plus this ongoing feeling that it's all my fault, when I know logically it's not ALL my fault.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

loveispatient said:


> Yep. I see a therapist. I couldn't see her the last three months of so with the baby, maternity leave, my parents being in town to help, and me flying the coop to Asia for some TLC with my family etc. But she's on my calendar for 4:30 p.m. tomorrow. She makes me feel better in general. Or rather talking it through with her generally gives me a better perspective of what to expect.
> 
> I'm told it'll get better. I think it's primarily the fear of the unknown and what to expect really bothers me. Plus this ongoing feeling that it's all my fault, when I know logically it's not ALL my fault.


My EW cheated on my twice with the same man (2009 and recently) and I'm told there could have been others, doesn't matter now AND there's still part of me that wonders if I would have done this or that differently if I could have prevented this or how I could have made this all work. I think I still have a deep feeling of the things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done because of how bad I was gaslighted and blameshifted but even also, because there were things that I could have done better and that's just me to always wanted to have done better.

In the end, when everyone is telling you that there's nothing you could have done and that it wasn't your fault, I have to step out of my feelings and take the word of so many people, take their word for it, that the issue was within the spouse. We had our own contributions to issues but that never warranted cheating and for them just to give up on us and not make a valid effort to hold up their end of the marriage.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

So I made a spreadsheet because that's how I can visually see things and I send it to him asking him to mark off days when he would want the kids, and times for drop-offs and the like, so that I can show that to the attorney I'm speaking with. 

All I wanted to do was have my ducks lined up in a row, so that attorney can evaluate what he's offering from financial to custody, and we can negotiate from there assuming I agree to the schedule. 

Instead I get this response "I won’t be putting anything in writing until we have an over all agreement on the advice of my attorney. We can talk about that tonight"

All I was asking for is a written explanation of what he'd want. Is that not something that can be done? He says he hasn't retained an attorney, but maybe he has? I mean, it's a spreadsheet. Oy!


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

When I divorced several years ago, we both lived in the same house--different bedrooms--during the separation. It was probably easier for the kids that way. My ex and I were cordial to each other a large part of that awkward time together, surprisingly. Part of that may have been from being exhausted from arguing and stress and BS of being married. Since it was ending, there were no emotional obligations or expectations to each other. Part was keeping the kids in mind. Yours are all pretty young, though. Now, I was wanting the divorce. Half of her was honest in realizing I had that right. Neither was trying to screw the other over financially or with custody. 


Your husband may actually want to form some sort of divorced-but-friends relationship. Some divorced people actually pull that off. If you aren't interested in that, totally your right and nothing wrong with that. Still, you share kids and will have to be in regular contact for at least 17 more years. You need to develop some type of civilized, polite relationship, for your kids' sake. Tell him right now you want nothing more than a respectful "working relationship" that doesn't include friendship. Your kids will watch how you treat each other. A decent part of me saw my ex as a bat schitt crazy be-yotch, but I respected that she was the mother of my kids and treated her accordingly. Divorcing with kids, I think, requires a degree of pride swallowing sometimes for their best interests.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Try not to antagonize him, but if you are more comfortable w/ email, ask that he email. If he's sending you unnecessary stuff you don't like, ask him to stop. Be civil in asking for these things.

Maybe he's being paranoid in not wanting to write stuff down, maybe not. The "gotchas" in a divorce weren't all where I expected them.

You'll probably get some advice to not be civil, but remember if you make this adversarial on their advice, they aren't going to suffer for it but you probably are. Having young children makes it more important that you be civil to each other.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

PaulB said:


> When I divorced several years ago, we both lived in the same house--different bedrooms--during the separation. It was probably easier for the kids that way. My ex and I were cordial to each other a large part of that awkward time together, surprisingly. Part of that may have been from being exhausted from arguing and stress and BS of being married. Since it was ending, there were no emotional obligations or expectations to each other. Part was keeping the kids in mind. Yours are all pretty young, though. Now, I was wanting the divorce. Half of her was honest in realizing I had that right. Neither was trying to screw the other over financially or with custody.
> 
> 
> Your husband may actually want to form some sort of divorced-but-friends relationship. Some divorced people actually pull that off. If you aren't interested in that, totally your right and nothing wrong with that. Still, you share kids and will have to be in regular contact for at least 17 more years. You need to develop some type of civilized, polite relationship, for your kids' sake. Tell him right now you want nothing more than a respectful "working relationship" that doesn't include friendship. Your kids will watch how you treat each other. A decent part of me saw my ex as a bat schitt crazy be-yotch, but I respected that she was the mother of my kids and treated her accordingly. Divorcing with kids, I think, requires a degree of pride swallowing sometimes for their best interests.


Yeah, he'd like a divorced but friendship relationship. I'm really not sure I can. Mostly because of the past 16 months. I could handle anything, but the last 16-months, were really bad and his treatment of me while pregnant, was, well not something a "decent" man would do. 

Yes, I realize I have to be civil because it's going to be 18 long years of being connected to the person who fathered your children.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> Try not to antagonize him, but if you are more comfortable w/ email, ask that he email. If he's sending you unnecessary stuff you don't like, ask him to stop. Be civil in asking for these things.
> 
> Maybe he's being paranoid in not wanting to write stuff down, maybe not. The "gotchas" in a divorce weren't all where I expected them.
> 
> You'll probably get some advice to not be civil, but remember if you make this adversarial on their advice, they aren't going to suffer for it but you probably are. Having young children makes it more important that you be civil to each other.


I agree. I just don't do well being pressured and yes, I do better in writing than talking about things like this in person, especially when it related to custody. The rest I can handle. The kid stuff, it kills me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your very first post (1-11-13) was because your husband wanted a separation. You've since had 3 children and you're back to square one. E-mail him that the attorneys can work out the details because you are not able to concentrate on your children and your job and hold his hand through this divorce that he wants. Tell him to get an attorney pronto because you want off this merry-go-round.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Your very first post (1-11-13) was because your husband wanted a separation. You've since had 3 children and you're back to square one. E-mail him that the attorneys can work out the details because you are not able to concentrate on your children and your job and hold his hand through this divorce that he wants. Tell him to get an attorney pronto because you want off this merry-go-round.


Seeing attorney. Just getting ducks in a row. I'm piecing together child custody schedules, along with financials, and what I'd be responsible for and what I am entitled to. Not interested in fighting. Too tired and worn out for it.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

STBX knew I saw atty last week again for additional questions. We tried talking about some of the things she proposed, but it devolved into a situation of him telling me that he has to always "give" and I'm always the "taker." 

He left for the weekend to cool-off and came back yesterday, and everyone is on edge even if we're trying not to be. I asked for bank account info, and that resulted in a shouting match. It was only information that I needed per attorney's worksheet. Anyway, it's difficult to simply make basic ask for information. It's not that I'm not privy to our financial information, but there are things that only he deals with, and I had to ask for it. 

We are going to attempt a civil conversation today, and I've got my bullet points, and planned asks for custody schedule, marital assets stuff, and finances. The kids are with friends tonight, and I'm hoping we can do this. 

I have decided that if we can't agree tonight, or I feel somewhat bullied into a decision or if I sense additional lying (i.e. secret bank accounts), then I'll retain the attorney I spoke with last since I liked her for a collaborative mediation law option. I've had conversations with several including ones who litigate, but figured I wanted someone with the right fit for me. I know he'd rather not go to court for obvious reasons. 

He won't acknowledge the affair now and says "I am not going to have unproductive conversations." Unproductive for him obviously. I can't do much about it at this juncture, that's just something I have to get past on. He's aware I have some information on it when I confronted him a year ago, but it's water under the bridge now. He's still talking with her, and lies about it. But we're separating, so it's not important anymore. 

So hopefully everyone else is having a more fun day than yours truly.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

loveispatient said:


> STBX knew I saw atty last week again for additional questions. We tried talking about some of the things she proposed, but it devolved into a situation of him telling me that he has to always "give" and I'm always the "taker."
> 
> He left for the weekend to cool-off and came back yesterday, and everyone is on edge even if we're trying not to be. I asked for bank account info, and that resulted in a shouting match. It was only information that I needed per attorney's worksheet. Anyway, it's difficult to simply make basic ask for information. It's not that I'm not privy to our financial information, but there are things that only he deals with, and I had to ask for it.
> 
> ...


If you can get him to agree to mediation that might simplify things. A mediator can tell him(and you) stuff directly as opposed to hearing it from each other and possibly having it garbled. Such as, bank account info is not "giving" something, it's essential to the divorce process and if he doesn't believe it, go get his own attorney who will tell him that.


> He won't acknowledge the affair now and says "I am not going to have unproductive conversations." Unproductive for him obviously. I can't do much about it at this juncture, that's just something I have to get past on. He's aware I have some information on it when I confronted him a year ago, but it's water under the bridge now. He's still talking with her, and lies about it. But we're separating, so it's not important anymore.
> 
> So hopefully everyone else is having a more fun day than yours truly.


It's not important any more, and I don't see how the conversation is productive to either of you, so stop talking to him about it. Sure, vent to friends and/or family, get IC, etc. But just talk to him about the stuff the two of you need to talk about.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

loveispatient said:


> Not to mention we have to split custody of the kids, I have to think about selling or staying in the house (he thinks I'm an idiot for wanting to stay in the house), decide on hiring lawyer or not, figuring out whether to switch jobs for something that pays more (but I lose flexibility) etc.


And how is Father of the Year going to _care_ for 3 kids under the age of 5, with one being an *infant* during his 50% custody time? Does he plan on dumping them on his mommy or any female he can persuade to take care of them? This guy is a colossal piece of **** who spends all his time looking for low life skanks to bang (because *decent* women won't give this douche bag the time of day). How's Super Dad going to balance his desire for skank action with pretending to be a real parent to the kids whose lives he shattered with his **** behavior? I wouldn't trust this degenerate with a goldfish.

I'm sure he WOULD like a 'divorced but we're friends' relationship. Because it will benefit HIM.

Let me translate that for you.

That means he'd like to remain buddies with you so he can depend on YOU to take on most of the responsibility for the kids because he doesn't sound capable of caring for 2 toddlers and an infant. But he sure doesn't want to pay child support, so he'll stick to that 50% parenting agreement for all it's worth. But he'd like to depend on YOU to take on the lion's share of it. He'd also like to be able to bring them back early when he needs to, pick them up late when he needs to, cancel out altogether at the 11th hour if a better option arises, and take advantage of any schedule changes he might need what with that busy new bachelor's life he'll be living, and all. So of course he wants to be 'buddies' with you. 

His penchant for skanks - especially while you were pregnant - is what got you here in the first place. Don't waste too much time feeling sorry for him. He deserves whatever he gets.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And how is Father of the Year going to _care_ for 3 kids under the age of 5, with one being an *infant* during his 50% custody time? Does he plan on dumping them on his mommy or any female he can persuade to take care of them? This guy is a colossal piece of **** who spends all his time looking for low life skanks to bang (because *decent* women won't give this douche bag the time of day). How's Super Dad going to balance his desire for skank action with pretending to be a real parent to the kids whose lives he shattered with his **** behavior? I wouldn't trust this degenerate with a goldfish.
> 
> I'm sure he WOULD like a 'divorced but we're friends' relationship. Because it will benefit HIM.
> 
> ...


I don't know how he's going to care for all three kids but for now my youngest will stay with me full-time. I mean, if he really wanted her, he could have offered to bottle feed, but he's not up to doing the hard stuff like waking up at night and such. He also said that "bonding is important." I might have snorted internally in my head, but such if life at the moment. So care is lopsided to me mostly because I'll be the one moving out (yeah, I know, with three kids under 5) and finding a place to live because he is going to live cheaply in his parents basement and come to my place to hang with the kiddos on his time with our children. 

I don't mind parenting in this season of life. We had such trouble having kids, that I'll take as much time as I can. It doesn't give me much time for myself, but that's OK for now. I'm in not in any mindset of dating or seeing anyone. I'm currently in parenting 101 mode and that's what it needs to be. 

We talked some yesterday. It did get heated, as it usually does. But because I don't need to save a marriage any longer, I can be an ****ty back and not as diplomatic. It's not healthy, but I needed to get it off my chest before I could calmly process what I wanted. He's not thrilled, but if this went to court, he'd be in a lot more trouble financially. He knows that. 

When I mentioned what I needed, he said "Not my problem." So I guess, it's not my problem that he's financially strapped from all of this. I'm being civil, but he wants his happiness with whomever, then so be it. I'll give him his happiness, but freedom isn't free, and my children and I deserve better than this. 

I did have a panic attack this morning thinking I couldn't afford to take care of my kids, and myself. We ran child support numbers, and all that stuff to make sure things were in-line with what I could afford. It's been a long time since I've been on my own. I manage my own finances, so it's not that, but just making sure that my kids are safe, secure, and taken care of is all that I need right now. 

Of course, he wants me to pay part of the kids activities or extras (i.e. medical, college). I will, but not in the percentages he wants or I'll have to think about it. I'd like to be in a better financial situation to be able to handle everything. 

Anyway, at the end of it all last night, he's sitting down dejected and depressed. I'm thinking he should be THRILLED. He'd been dying to leave me for years and now that he's getting what he wants, he's looking sad and upset. He even wanted to "hang out" with me since I had trouble sleeping after all that "talking" about terms. 

I have a few more details to iron out, but it should be done. Then, I can have my attorney draft the paperwork and review the agreement for me and make sure I'm not missing anything. 

Funny, how he's asking for a divorce, and I'm the one hiring the attorney. But I had to ask questions, and a consultation (or two) is worth its weight in gold when it comes to the children. 

But I feel better. I eat healthy, stay busy. I spend my evenings with the kiddos. They drive me nuts sometimes, but it's this "season" and this too shall pass. My oldest told me yesterday that he wanted me to stay home and watch him during the day versus our nanny. Had to tell him that "Mommy has to work" and that's quite OK. Glad I didn't stay home to raise the kiddos. I had the opportunity, but something was always nagging at me, so I never did it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveispatient said:


> So I made a spreadsheet because that's how I can visually see things and I send it to him asking him to mark off days when he would want the kids, and times for drop-offs and the like, so that I can show that to the attorney I'm speaking with.
> 
> All I wanted to do was have my ducks lined up in a row, so that attorney can evaluate what he's offering from financial to custody, and we can negotiate from there assuming I agree to the schedule.
> 
> ...


So make up a schedule that you can live with and give that to your attorney. He seems to think that his attorney will be dictating everything. That's not how it works. Once your schedule is submitted, then negotiation can start. 

Since he will not talk now, that's all you can do.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So make up a schedule that you can live with and give that to your attorney. He seems to think that his attorney will be dictating everything. That's not how it works. Once your schedule is submitted, then negotiation can start.
> 
> Since he will not talk now, that's all you can do.


We handled this yesterday. He hasn't retained an attorney. I've got the schedule that I can live with based on my conversations with the attorney I spoke to. So it's just a matter of nailing down some final details and taking the emotion out of it.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Working from home today and trying to concentrate on work, but it's been one hell of a month back at work post maternity leave. 

STBXH wrote down terms of separation that we talked about and gave it to me. I need to review it, but just glancing at what's written made my heart "jolt." I"m not sure what I'm upset about anymore. I realize I'm a little afraid of what's coming, and the uncertainty is weighing on my mind. I realize that will pass, but right now, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I've spent the last 13-months trying to save a marriage that was incredibly flawed to begin with only to learn that STBXH was cheating and it weights heavily on me. 

My work, which has often been my point of stability, is suffering because I can't focus, and it's a job that requires me at 110% right now. STBXH is out most evenings, leaving me with the kids and I realize that's not going to be unusual when I "single-parent" this on my own about 70% of the time. I am managing everything with as much grace as I can possibly muster, but I'm not able to focus on myself because the kids are so young and need so much attention from "Mom" and this "Mom" also works a full-time job. 

I'm from another country, so family isn't close. So it's just me, and a few friends in the area, and the rest scattered around the country. It used to be that I could go into my office and it would be refuge, but I can't stop thinking of what's going on at home, even while at work, which really is detrimental to my level of work productivity. 

I'm in "IC" which allows me to talk through some of the things I'm feeling and my therapist is good. I always feel better after seeing her. I sleep when the kids sleep, but lately I've been mentally tired, so the sleep isn't restful and I'm up early to prep for the morning. 

Anyway, I know that this is the best course of action. I don't regret what we're doing most times, however, I'm still a little surprised by the things I'm feeling even though I've known for a long time we've been heading here. People say it's because I still care. Not sure what I care about because this isn't marriage. It's more like hell on earth at the moment. 

This morning he stands up and comes to me and gives me a hug just before he leaves with my oldest to see "Grandma" and all I can think is "WTF." But I played with my-almost-two-year-old with his water table outside, while the baby slept in the swing, and I'm working (trying to) on something for work. I know the 180 rule, so I pay little to no attention to him with the exception of things related to the kids and logistics or things that I know he can only handle. He walks around naked at night because he's a night owl and likely jerking off because there's no sex to be had in this house. *I won't be Plan B. *

Now all I need to do is figure out the following:

(i.) How to address his drinking? He drinks a lot (5-8 beers to get buzzed; has a high tolerance for alcohol in general; also liquor) as a way to deal and help him sleep. He always drank (not much when we first got married), but it's progressively gotten worse. He won't admit to being an alcoholic, but I'd say he's a functioning (sorta) alcoholic and uses alcohol as a crutch. For example, when his job was on the line (possibility of layoffs) for about 2-years, he stressed out every day, and we'd have a blow-up once a month because he'd be drinking so heavily to handle his stress. So with the kids in mind, how do I broach this quietly without it becoming a standoff? Every time I've tried, it gets ugly because he doesn't think he has a problem. 

(ii.) How do I handle things when the kids start going to separate "homes" and switching schedules. My youngest will stay with me, so I guess it'll lessen the "blow" some. But what happens with the other two? Just the idea of reconciling not having all my kids under the same roof is just weird. I know I'm supposed to "get used to it." Yes, I know time to myself sans kids will be helpful for my sanity. But right now, I just can't see it. Probably a parent thing. 

I'm about 4 months postpartum. So I'm hormonal too since I/m still breastfeeding. As an introvert, all this weights heavily on me. I have good friends, but they are in different parts of the countries, and I don't make friends easily. Mostly because I hate dealing with people..  Hence, the introvert. 

Anyway, it's close to an agreement. It'll get drafted, and I'll have my attorney look at it. I haven't been on my own since grad school. So this will be all new especially when the house sells and I rent since I'll have the kids mostly since I don't want to rush into buying a house at the moment. 

So. Many. Things.


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