# Had a bad fight with my dad



## WTF Did I Do (Oct 12, 2011)

*Background*

When I was 20 I met the woman that would become my wife, she had a 14 month old son. It was a package deal and I never looked back. We got married, I officially adopted him and we’ve been a pretty happy family ever since. My parents always welcomed my family, my son especially with open arms.

Today I’m 40, my son is 20 (soon to be 21) and is leaving for school in in Florida. 3 or 4 weeks ago, my wife and I asked my dad if we could have a surprise birthday/going away party @ my mom and dad’s place and he agreed. We live a few miles from my parents and everything seemed cool until my dad started acting flakey about things. 

*Sunday (10/9)*

I was bringing food into the basement of the house and he was being belligerent (which he often is) and he kept asking me about how many people (he used the term MFs) were coming and for the 100th time I told him about 20 and to calm down and quit acting like an a$$hole. He began cursing at me and I don’t know what happened next, but I know that he pushed me as I was walking away and out of reaction I pushed him back and he fell down. I immediately knew that I was wrong and that I had screwed up. He was lying on the floor cursing @ me, I yelled back at him “he’s your grandson”, and my father looked at me and screamed “he’s not my ****ing grandson, he’s not **** to me **** you and him!” among other things. In the interim my mother had gotten between the 2 of us and was crying as I stood over my father. Those words triggered such hurt and anger in me that I kicked my father as he laid there. 

My dad got up and walked into another room as we yelled and screamed at one another while my poor mother cried and tried to make things better. And then my father returned with a huge knife and tried to stab me while my mother got between us. I was so mad that I wasn’t even scared of the knife as my dad tried, unsuccessfully to stab me. Somehow my mother got the knife away from my dad and held me back as my dad punched me in the face several times. Finally I walked away, until I heard him and my mom screaming at one another. Like an idiot, I walked back into the basement and sat on the stairs, my mom grabbed me because she was scared of what I might do to him. We’re both still furious and I’m yelling at my dad and he just walks up punches me in the face several times, causing me to bleed from my nose (at the bridge) and ear. My dad then told me that I was no longer his son and that if he ever saw me again he’d shoot me on sight (he doesn’t own a gun that I know of). After that I left and since then I have a tremendous feeling of guilt. 

I know that I was so wrong for everything. My dad now hates me and I’m so broken over this. I’ve spent the last few days crying over everything that happened because I know how volatile my dad can be and I just let things spiral out of control at every turn. Now there’s a huge rift in our family and I know that I’m the cause of it all. My mother is devastated and blaming my dad, but I keep telling her that to be there for him and I’ll be okay… How can I make this right? I’ve tried calling my dad but he won’t talk to me. What do I do?


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I didn't want to just read and not say anything, but I wish I had better words to say. This sounds just heartbreaking and I don't know that there is going to be a way to connect with him until he has calmed down somewhat. I'm so sorry you went through this and while I don't condone what you did, I certainly can't stand behind what your father said and did either as being the "correct" things to do/say. How painful, and I have to ask..did your son hear those hurtful comments from your father, and how is he dealing with all of this too? 

I think your focus should be your immediate family and not necessarily working on extending an olive branch towards your Dad just yet. Stay in contact with your Mom...she sounds like she has a pretty good head on her shoulders about the whole thing...but I have to wonder...is she safe in that marriage? Yikes!


----------



## WTF Did I Do (Oct 12, 2011)

Michelle,

Thanks for the reply. 

Fortunately my son did not hear any of this. But he does know that my dad and I had a fight, he just doesn't know the context of the situation and he'll never know the exact details of what my dad said about us. I would never poison my son against my dad unless this continues to be an issue. Sadly @ the party which we still had and my father didn't attend, my son kept asking where's "dad"? We were all heartbroken that we couldn't give him a good answer.

We leave for Florida tomorrow and while I want my son to go by and say 'goodbye' to his grandfather, I don't know if it's the wise thing to do. 

I wrote my dad a letter telling him how sorry and I and how much I love him; hopefully he'll read it. Ugh I just don't know what to do. I feel like 10 horrific minutes have just destroyed everything I've known about my parents.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man that's a tough spot but I don't think you carry all the blame. I can really identify with what you described. My father to can can act like a complete [email protected]@hole but most of the time stay just under the point where I'll confront him, but at the same time behave in ways I would never tolerate from anyone else. So the question is how much do you tolerate because he is your father, how much do you take when you wouldn't take it from anyone else? I have come to believe it's a form of emotional abuse. I spent a lot of my mid twenties to mis thirties refusing to put up with his BS and calling him out on it pretty confrontationley, that led to a lot of subsurface resentment and didn't solve anything. Since about 37 (now 39) I try not to let him get an emotional reaction out of me and if I don't like his behavior I just quietly remove myself and my family from the situation. I did this for a while and he sensed the pull back, which together with my brother led to a pretty good talk about a year ago and things have gotten better. 

Leaving the fight and knife out of it for a minute, does your father have a history of acting like a jerk and expecting everyone to just tolerate it, or was this a one off event ? If it was a one off then I'd just try to sit with him and ask him what the he'll that was about. If it is a pattern that just went WAY to far, well to me that's actually tougher. He is your dad. To me the difference between him and another person is that he always gets another chance, there is nothing he can do that is totally terminal to the relationship. That and I will always apologize to my father for my parts that were wrong, regardless of if he apologizes to me or not, I will not hold a grudge. Doesn't mean I won't protect myself, emotionally and physically, but I will always love him and him me. 

Your dad crossed some major lines. He pushed you first. He said your son of twenty years didn't mean anything to him, and he threatened your life at least twice (the knife and the threat to shoot you). He owes you a major apology - period. It's good you wrote him that letter but he owes you one as well. He needs to both apologize and explain his actions and reactions. 

I feel for you. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So sorry about your predicament...family fights are always unpleasant. Thankfully your son didn't hear any of it, but chances are, he already knows how your Dad feels.

I too, was part of a 'package deal', and I always knew it. While my step-father's family were wonderful and welcoming (and still are, after over 30 years), he's always been a sour faced grouch as far as me and my kids (his grandkids??) are concerned. I try not to let it get to me, for my mother's sake. I recently got married, and from the altar, I noticed that he sat there, glaring (sulking) the entire time, with his arms crossed over his chest. We all just ignore him when he's like that, as there's just no point in causing a fight and upsetting everyone else.

Try staying away for awhile, your son is leaving, you've written your letter to him, let the dust settle and good luck!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I really don't see how much of this is your fault at all- the push back is debatable, but he did push first and then unleashed a barrage of hate and violence and essentially tried to kill you! I'd have no qualms burning this bridge and work to get your mom out of the house.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

looks to me like you guys are 2 peas in a pod.

I would venture to guess that your father has always been this way (very angry and viloent)
and you have learned some of this also so you act similiar espically around him.

YOU needto break the cycle of being like this.

no good will come of being so violent.

I would sit down with your father and apoligise and then I would say I don't want to be part of this cycle and if your not going to put effort to not act like this any more then I'd just as soon as not be around you.

I love you but I can't let any one treat me this way if you want to try to change this unhealthy behavior we could try counceling together or we can just advoid eachother.the ball is in your court. what are you going to do man up and try to do the right thing or be backwards and keep being so angry


----------



## WTF Did I Do (Oct 12, 2011)

My dad had a pretty hard life growing up and I know that he and my grandfather did not have the best relationship. My dad is pretty distant from his family (my grandmother and his brothers and sister) even though he supports them by giving them housing at severely discounted rent. He’s also a vet of Vietnam and has never really confronted any of his feelings about what he went through in the war. I do know that he’s got some social issues in that he really doesn’t attach himself to anyone, including us, except for his dog, who of course can’t answer him back. We’ve tried to get him to stick with his therapy in the VA for anger management and other issues, but like everything else, he quit because in his words, “they don’t know $hit”. 

Chillymorn, you are correct about my inheriting a part of my dad’s personality, which is why I take full responsibility for what happened. A few years ago I felt myself getting angrier and angrier about everything, my life, my marriage, my son, my job etc, and I sought help to deal with my issues and I got better. I think I may need to go back into therapy so that I can become the person I want to be.

My dad has always been this way to varying degrees, but underneath it I know he’s a loving and generous person that expresses himself via cursing and surliness. Before Sunday I would describe our relationship as pretty good, we’d just finished restoring his vintage muscle car and I just got back from a mini vacation with him and my mom to help them with their new vacation home. 

I hope he reads my letter and I hope he can forgive me, as I’ve already forgiven him. I just can’t and won’t forgive myself for my part in all of this. I could’ve and should’ve walked away because I know how he is and how I can be. It’s been 4 days and I truly miss my dad. Feeling hopeless.


----------



## WTF Did I Do (Oct 12, 2011)

Update... 

My son stopped by my parents house to say goodbye... 

My dad asked him "what are you doing here?" Son, "I'm leaving tomorrow and I wanted to say goodbye". Dad, "Oh goodbye". Son "Dad, this is from my dad", and hands him the letter that I had in my car. My dad takes the letter and rips it into shreds and walks out.

It's over.


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Oh, I'm so sorry. :-(


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

boy that sux.


BUT, with the history that you outlined with him being helpful to his family and being a veteran I think it would be a huge lesson for your son to show him even though your dad is acting very very poorly that you still love him and are understanding how he is because of his life circumstance.

Don't get me wrong you still can't let him treat you or anybody poorly but you can try to get through to him .


he probly has PTST and has always had the anger problem so that compounds things.

and what about your MOM.

I would give it some time and then show up and say hey dad this is no way to be father and son lets give this another try.

I don't know maybe you did this already one to many times and are done trying.If thats the case maybe your Mom is in harm living with such an unreasonable angry person making is dificult for her to enjoy her family.Maybe she needs to be removed from him some how.

people who have these type of problem can go off the deep end and hurt the one they love because their minds are not working properly.


sad sad situation good luck and keep working on your anger issues so this don't happen to you and your family use this as motivation to keep you anger under control.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Your father is an abuser and the less time you spend with him, the better off you will be.

I strongly DISAGREE with the people who are advising you to apologize and to try to see him.

Why continue to feed into the dysfunctional cycle? What has it really ever gotten you? Some black eyes, from the sound of it. I would go back to therapy to work on DISENGAGING from your father altogether. There are many adults who have little or no contact with their abusive parents because it is safer and healther for them that way. I limit my time with my mother for that very reason (and she never beat me) and it makes a huge difference in my well being.

You are still under the false impression, it seems, that you need to have a relationship with an abusive parent. You don't. It doesn't make you a bad person to avoid people who hurt you.

You are clearly a kind and loving person. You don't deserve what your father has done to you. You were probably raised to feel that you were responsible for your father's happiness or moods. That is never the role of a child. Your father should have been taking care of YOUR needs, not the reverse.

Instead of continuing the cycle of abuse where your father lashes out and you apologize and try to get him to love and accept you, the healthier option is to realize that:
1) Your father is never going to change
2) Your father probably not capable of truly loving someone
3) You have value and worth as a human being and your father's sickness should not dictate what you think of yourself
4) You do not have any obligation to make your father happy, or feel good, or to make him well; that's your father's job.

It is easy to retrigger when you are around your abusive parents. Go back to therapy to come to terms with who and what your father is (not what you want him to change into being) and to learn how to keep emotionally safe when you do have to see him. But frankly, you don't really ever have to see him and many people in your situation choose not to do so.

Dysfunctonal family systems, which is what you grew up in, impact every generation until someone breaks the cycle. Be the one to break the cycle for YOUR son and your son's children.

Good luck!


----------



## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

I'm just curious....does everyone always cater to him when he's in a bad mood? 

My dad was always a bully. Physically and verbally abusive to us all. And everyone tiptoed around him and let him have his way. What I really remember is the feeling that he was always about to explode with anger. I started having stress related health issues at 10 years old. 

Once when he threw a fit about my oldest son, I completly removed my kids from his presence. I refused to expose them to all that tension and anger.

It got his attention. I don't think anyone had ever stood up to him before. But by this point, to me, there was no love, and he just wasn't worth the effort it took to be around him.

I think sometimes older generations think they deserve respect without having to earn it. That their kids should put up with whatever they do.

He died this summer. Out of 4 kids, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great grands, not a single tear was shed for him.


----------

