# Marriage Advice Needed



## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

I think my name says it all. No it's not like I go around looking for girls to cheat with. But things are complicated.........

So hi - This is me. I'm 30+ and married to my 20+ girl and we have a 1+ boy. I'm an IT guy and she stays at home and occasionally does real-estate. That sums up my marriage and who I am. Pleased to meet you. Never in a million years thought I'd be doing this, but here I am.

So now - I've been through a lot of relationships before. I don't consider myself to be good looking - especially now with extra weight - but for some reason in the past it was really easy to get girls. When I met my wife I wasn't interested because she's the daughter of my parent's friends. Didn't want to do that, but fate had a different idea.

We've been together a total of 10+ years. Been married 6 out of that. I flirt a lot - so I'm told. I honestly don't see it. She knows I don't see it because she's told me I do it right in front of her too. I still don't believe that to this day, but if she and other girls have said so then it must be that way. I've tried to stop but it doesn't really work. I've been avoiding other girls as a result to make sure I don't.

So now comes the issue. IMO - boys never do grow up. Most. Girls on the other hand get much more mature and all as time goes by. She grew up and I stayed exactly the same.

We have different views on how we spend time together - what we do together - how we view other people. And then - major issue. I met another girl. Didn't sleep with her, haven't even kissed her - but the problem is that she is much more like me than my girl is. And that's a problem. My girl is epic in her own ways - the things she does and how she is when we actually do play videogames together and such, but she's lost the drive to do things. This new girl however is so much like me it's frightening. Down to the food we eat and the games we like - not always in the games department - but the attitude towards stuff - we mesh much better than my girl. The issue is that my girl now says I'm cheating on her emotionally even if not physically, and I'm finding it nigh impossible to cut loose the new girl. We are too much alike. We have too much in common. And in the less than 1 year that we've known each other it's obvious that we're more compatible than anyone else I've ever met or been with. But for more than one reason, I don't want to leave my girl - my wife - the mother of my child.

It's also hard because of the difference in views that we have about how relationships should be. It's also difficult because she's looked through my phone and seen messages between the new girl and me and she really doesn't like it. I do send these messages because I hope she'll like me but regardless of what happens I don't want to leave my girl. I just couldn't I know how she was and hope deep down that she'll go back to being that way, but I don't know. From what I've seen girls don't usually go back.

To make this easier - ask away. I'll tell what I can. Hopefully there will be a solution at some point. Thanks in advance.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Soooo, why don't you tell your wife what you told us - that you're a serial cheater, you have a new girlfriend, and you're not going to give her up.

Your wife is right. You are cheating on her. It's called an emotional affair. It is so called for the exact reasons that you state. All the feelings you have for this other woman and the time you spend with her are supposed to be reserved for no one but your wife. You were never supposed to be spending that kind of time with any other woman to ever learn anything about how similar you and she are, or how much you have in common, or for your feelings for her to grow and develop in this manner. Because you cheated are the reason all this came about. And you continue to cheat, actually refusing to stay away from the woman. I cannot imagine being hurt by my husband like that.

Boys do grow up eventually. But boys who refuse to grow up obviously never do. Do your wife a favor and let her know that you basically confessed here to being an irresponsible child. You say you don't want to leave so her in addition to your infidelity, you are controlling her and the situation. Tell her you aren't going to give up the other woman so your wife can make her OWN decisions, rather than you making them for her. That way, you get to keep your childish fantasy.

Why did you come here with this silliness anyway? You don't want to do the obvious responsible thing, and you aren't going to just because we tell you. Do you really need that much attention? Your wife and girlfriend aren't enough?

Yes, that's what it is. That's also why you flirt and deny it as if you're so innocent so you can keep on flirting. You desperately need attention aaaalllll the time.

Boys that don't grow up don't want to.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your poor wife needs to kick your butt to the kerb asap.

Of course she's changed - she's a married woman with a child! She can't compete with a shiny new girl with no responsibilities, she's too busy looking after her family.

You need to cut off all contact with this other girl. Now. 

You sound very immature.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

The first thing you need to do is to get yourself a good therapist.

Serial cheaters have an addiction, like alcohol or drugs and this needs to be treated.
Usually childhood issues contribute to developing low self esteem/depression and serial cheaters get a high with every conquest. Unfortunately the high does not last long and they need another high soon. I also guess serial cheating runs in your family?
Of course this other girl is more compatible than your wife.

She does not have to cook or clean or change nappies, or wipe snotty noses. She is there at her best, whispering sweet nothings into your ears and your ego inflates, giving you the high you crave.

This is all an illusion, an infatuation, nothing else, as if you leave your wife and be with this girl, you will soon realize that she is nothing special, as she will turn into your wife when the daily grind hits you both. You even said yourself that your wife was like her in the beginning.

If you do not go and fix yourself, I feel sorry for your wife as your marriage is doomed. Even if you drop this girl, there will be another one.
Fix yourself for your child's sake, be the father he/she needs and then do marriage counselling.

And judging from what you have written, you need some growing up to do.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are having an emotional affair & your wife is right.

You also have a huge ego. You think girls are throwing themselves at you & you do nothing to encourage it. Uggg

You are not mature enough to be married & committed to one person.

You are what is known as a "cake eater." You want the pretense of the good married & family man to the outside world & the freedom to serial cheat like your user name.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

While you're here, pop over to the coping with infidelity section. Read some stories, take a look at the fallout from your kind of harmless fun. You have no idea, no idea what so ever about the kind of damage you're doing. About the kind of person you are, the kind of person your so called friend is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife is right, you are cheating on her. And if she was here, we'd be happy to give her advice on how she should be handling things. 

As far as you... Get counselling. I say that not to be mean, but you need help to understand what you're missing and looking for. You can also read "Not Just Friends", and see if there's something useful in there.

C


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon serialcheater
Have you talked with your wife about how to make your life more interesting and exciting? I she bored as well?

As far as cheating - if you don't wan to cheat but find yourself doing so anyway, then you should see a therapist. If you think you have good reason to cheat, then you should see a marriage counselor.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Why are you in a relationship OP? 

You shouldn't be in one, AT ALL......EVER.

Break it off with your wife, she deserves WAY better than that. 

Then you go to the "new girl" and tell her exactly who you are and what you expect.

You have to be honest with YOURSELF, WAY before you are honest with other people.

How would you feel if you put yourself in your wife's shoes? Would you be cool with her hanging out with male friends/cheating?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

How'd you meet the new girl?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in an emotional affair, your wife is right about that. A lot of people justify emotional affairs because they think as long as nothing sexual occurs, it must be okay. Emotional affairs are just as harmful as physical ones. 

I agree with those who have said you shouldn't, ever, be in a relationship. You're comparing your wife, the mother of your children, the woman who has put up with your flirting and need to get attention from women, with a woman whose tastes in video games match your own? I mean, really? *That* is the quality you most desire in a woman? One who will gladly play video games with you? 

You need to see a therapist. You have a ton of maturing to do.


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

Let's see if I can address all of this.

First my wife knows. I've talked to her about it. I agree that I don't deserve her, but it's hard for me when things have changed so much. I'll get to that.

No I don't think girls throw themselves at me - hardly. I just like to know that someone actually has a response to stimuli.

I met my wife at a church camp a long time ago that my parents dragged me to. Didn't want to go. Took my PC. Played games and stayed by myself as much as I could. She was introduced to me by someone else there and I liked her at the time - a girl who plays games and watches anime - and actually knows some of the intricacies of some anime and is unbeaten in her community at NFS. Sounded too good to be true. Then I find she's the daughter of my parents' friends. I've never done that before and I wasn't going to start. I avoid that so in the event it doesn't work out my parents and their friends won't have a falling out on my account.

When we started out we'd talk about anything and everything. Mostly she would talk and I'd listen but I didn't mind that at all. At least then she'd have a drive and passion for things and I loved that.

As far as things go after being married - I'm in the kitchen with her every day - I help with cleaning the house - I do most of the yard work and she does gardening - after the baby we'd take turns in the night and I've never complained - I've not kept score but she's said when I asked that she likes the fact that I help.

Bear in mind that she doesn't work - she's at home - and I know that housework is never done which is why I help her as much as I can when I'm not out of town working. My job is fairly easy - I love what I do in IT and if nothing breaks I stay home and still get paid.

She took on real-estate and does it from home to stay with the baby. Additional expense that I've had to cover for her licenses and fees and such. She was enthused about it at first, but I see no drive, no passion in what she does. She's stopped doing anything of the sort - I'm still paying for the license. I was the one that always looked for places for sale without agents and gave her the information, made the phone-calls and setup the meetings. All she had to do was go. She hasn't been doing that for a long time. It's frustrating.

I agree that meeting someone else and learning about them was wrong, but I'm at a loss where it comes to helping my wife find some drive or dedication to something she likes. She hardly plays videogames anymore - not with me at least, but I caused that because her approach and mine are different.

I'm not perfect, far from it. She's the best thing to happen to me - next to my son. The problem I have is that this new girl has all that she had - all that I had fallen for originally - plus she's got so much in common with me.

How did I meet the new girl? Through her father. How did I find out we have so much in common? Accidentally. I would fix her laptop and while it's there doing an update or something we'd go get something to eat and even though we ordered separately it ended up being the exact same thing - even if we went to separate places. It's just weird.

Do I want to leave my wife for someone else? No. Why did I come here then? To get help with finding ways to get reconnected to my wife. Not to ask if it's OK to leave her for someone else. If that was the case I'd have already done so.

I'll take all of the flack that I expect to get from everyone who will say I'm a horrible person. I don't expect any understanding. Each individual is different - in the same way that she'd rather talk and I'd rather write (or type) because I don't formulate things well in a conversation if it's not IT related. Or game related. Or anime related. I just don't. IRL or online I also have a tendency to ramble - hence the long posts. 

As for how I'd feel about it if she was cheating - it wouldn't bother me. I'm not wired like that. If she finds someone who is a better lover than I am, who treats her better than I do and she likes spending time with that person I have no issue. Just as long as she comes home to me and we sleep together and I can hold her it's fine by me. Do I want to sleep around? No. If that was the case I would have done so multiple times. I have physically cheated on her once - she knows about it - and I've never done so again even though the opportunity has come up on numerous occasions. 

I do all that I can at times to make sure I spend time with her, but our ideas of spending time differs. We used to spend time gaming - we don't as much anymore - so what I've done (which I did before as well) is take her with me to work. Either she walks on the plaza with the baby, waits in the lobby of the banks that I do work or drives around until I'm ready when I take her. She knows just about all the ins and outs of my life. She is everything to me - besides my son. 

My impression of the issue is communication. The statement that says "in a relationship one person is always right and the other is the husband" rings true to me. I don't argue because I don't like it - she claims that I'm not talking about the issue and letting it fester. Really I don't let it fester, she does. I don't like to talk about problems - let them die. I have a lot of stuff on my plate anyways and usually forget in a day or two. If she doesn't talk it out she doesn't feel good or better and I can't deal with the excessive talking about a bad topic. It just leaves your mind in a constant negative state and then I have to lie to customers that I'm happy by smiling and talking to them about their equipment when I'd rather fix it, leave and not say a word. It's hard enough that I have to interact with large groups of people when I'm highly uneasy around people physically outside of maybe 3-5 individuals - family, friends or not. It's just how I am. She doesn't understand that about me either, but it's how I've always been. She's one of the very few persons I can be around for an extended period of time and not get bored or annoyed by her presence. This other girl has either become similar in that light or is that way based on how she is. I'll be straight about that - I can't stand my parents, my blood sibling or most people I come in contact with. I hate large crowds. Just like that church camp where I took my PC to be alone I tolerate people at work and customers because I have to. If I could work and fix PC's, laptops, servers, printers, ATMs, etc for free and not have to talk to the owners of the equipment I would. Unfortunately I have to feed my family and society doesn't barter. If I have to speak publicly on a topic of IT, games or anime I have no issue - we're here for the same purpose, but to sit and talk about random things with persons outside of maybe 10 persons that I'm close to is a waste of time and difficult. I can't even be in the same room with the 10 persons I'm closest to if we're not doing something like gaming. It's not limited to any one or two persons that this exception would be in place - if my wife, the new girl, my best friend and enough of my closest friends were all in the same place I'd stay by myself. If we were all together to play something or talk about IT then I'd be fine. It's just how I am.

I chose the username because of what my wife said to me. I flirt and I'm oblivious to the fact. I've done it right in front of her she says, but because she knows how I am she leaves it alone. In my eyes I'm just making the necessary small talk to clients and potential clients and complimenting the females I come in contact with to make the conversation more comfortable as I compliment them. I do the same with the males I converse with, but I guess telling a girl how nice she looks, how her hair may be different from our last meeting and such is different than when I compliment a guy on his new watch, how well tailored his suit may be or the new stuff he purchased for his IT department. I don't go around looking for girls to cheat with. IMO on the topic of myself, I have no idea what use I am to her or why she'd want to stay with me. If I decided to actively flirt I could bet good money that no girl would want me. So what good am I to her when I'm trash to the rest of the female world? Baffles me.

In any case - there you go - I think I've answered all of what was asked. I do not disagree with the negative comments because I don't think of myself as anything good. As far as counseling goes I know a therapist personally that I'll go and talk to. Alone. I've suggested to her that we talk to someone about the issues but she hasn't given me anything concrete to say she'd want to do so. 

As far as it goes we're going to take a stab at it again. The process of rebuilding trust is going to take time though, but my hopes would be that she can finally go back to enjoying playing games and maybe I can buy the full set of Kanketsu-Hen when it's out on Amazon. I know it's already released in Japan. Then we can watch that together.

Amazon.com: Inuyasha the Final Act Set 1: Various: Movies & TV

What do I want out of my marriage? I want her to be my teammate - the person I ask join in every game I play once I'm going to play. I want us to teach our son about both PC games and various outdoor games that we can play. I want her to start talking again the way she did - about random things that I can chip in on. I want her to be passionate about something. ANYTHING. When she was into hair stuff I'd be on those forums with her - got her every hair product she wanted to try - helped her by relaxing her hair (people thought she went to a salon ) - washing - discussing. When we were pregnant (we.......heh) I'd be on every baby forum with her and supported all she wanted for a home-birth and got everything. When she wanted to do real-estate I made all the calls, took pictures, got the information - all short of getting the contracts signed. Now? I see no passion in what she wants to do........I don't know what she wants to do. I don't know how to relate to her. She is not the person I fell in love with anymore. 

Don't say "she has the baby to deal with" because I help her as much as I can with the baby. I change him almost every morning and make food for him and feed him before I head out. I put him to sleep every night that I get home before he can't fight anymore. I keep him in my section of the house when she has to do things in the rest of the house - even though he always wrecks something (last thing was my Playstation......) but it's fine. I just want her to be happy and him to have freedom. And no I didn't punish him for wrecking my stuff - he only gets reprimanded if he disobeys. I didn't tell him not to touch it so the fact it got messed up is my fault for not telling him not to touch it. And he's still a baby. While he knows the difference between "YES" and "NO" I still have to make allowance for things he may not understand fully. And I can replace everything I own except him and her. I don't need the new girl, but I wish my wife was the way she was when we first met. 

I've asked my wife if I've changed in the years that we've known each other and she admits that aside from gaining weight I'm pretty much the same. She knows she's changed - some for the better - but she's gone from being the person I'd hang out with to the person that I don't hang out with. I still enjoy her company - I still like having her around to either watch me play or play with me. But she doesn't even do that anymore even when I put the baby to sleep.......I don't know what to do.

If you're going to say I need to change my lifestyle and stop playing games as much or collecting anime then that's going to be an issue. I'll do so to save my marriage but I don't see why that would have to change when those are the things that brought us together in the first place.....

Again......help...........and I'll answer any other questions you put out.


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

I had a really long reply that I wrote and then there was a power outage. I'm gonna have to do it over.......sorry about that. I had addressed everything......My UPS is damaged and the two second break in power was all that was needed. I'll get this back and edit this reply once I can.

*EDIT*
OK. It was long. Gonna try make it short because I had typed it out but there have also been replies since so let me address those. This is also probably going to be disjointed due to the fact that I have to do it over........

I'm an introvert. I hate large groups of people. I don't like interactions. Online there are no faces and no people to deal with. If you make a mistake you can correct it while typing.

If there's a family reunion I'm by myself. I may know everyone there and be friends with everyone there INDIVIDUALLY but the fact that we're all in the same place and just socializing? Not for me. Heavily uneasy.

If I'm to speak at a function, give a lecture or play games with friends then it's different. The attention is focused on either a topic or an action. I don't like being in situations where this is not the case.

As for the things I do - I'm in the IT field. If I could fix your stuff and not take payment for it I would - but I have to feed my family. My wife doesn't work and I support my family as best I can.

I met my wife at a church camp that I was forced to go by my parents. She's the daughter of my parents' friends and I didn't ever do that nor did I want to do that because I don't want to be the cause of a falling out of my parents and their friends. I took my PC to the camp and stayed by myself. She was introduced to me by a guy there that decided to be friendly as a girl who plays games and watches anime. That's the basis for our relationship in the beginning. As I mentioned before I have issues dealing with people IRL. She is one of the few people I can be around for an extended period without being completely annoyed - I can't do that around my parents, my blood sibling and most of the people I come in contact with. I can't deal with the interactions.

With my wife (as my GF before marriage) we would talk about everything and anything for hours on end. I purchased two phones with unlimited plans for us so we could just talk. Most of it was either about games, anime or random stuff she wanted to talk about - mostly I'd listen until it was on the topics that I could speak on which are games, anime and IT. If she talked about religion, politics, family or anything else I'd wait till she asked for my input or give comments based on what the discussion was about. I don't consider myself so limited to the topics that I love, but I hate discussing anything else because they're outside of my comfort zone. Especially politics. 99.9% of political leaders are for themselves and not for their country IMO.

Before, during and after the baby she had drive and passion for things. When she was into hair I'd help her by relaxing her hair (people thought she went to a salon ) - helping her transition to go fully natural - helped with combing, washing and using various treatments. I purchased everything she wanted and talked to her about the things she wanted to try on hair forums. Nowadays she does most of the stuff herself, doesn't ask me for any help and doesn't talk to me about it. Granted she's probably peaked on that and there's nothing else for her now since she's found a regimen that works.

When she got into real-estate (something she could mostly do from home) I paid for her license, I'd check on the clients, make calls, set appointments take her to see the clients, check for any places without an agent and try to make arrangements for her to get the listing. She's done nothing outside of what I've helped her do. Most of the things she's done in real-estate I've either helped her to do or done for her. She hasn't done any calling, follow-ups or taken any of the prospective new listings I found for her and it's been so long that some of the prospective ones are now listed by other realtors.

As for housework - she doesn't work so she's home mostly. I help her with the cooking, cleaning, washing and I do most of the work around the yard. She does some gardening when she can and while that's something else she wants to do more of I'm holding her up by not getting additional topsoil for her to do some planting. My bad there. Most meals I do the preparation of the meat and seasonings for her if she asks. If she doesn't ask I assume she's fine or she uses seasoning that I've prepared from before.

As for the baby she has never been alone. I've always shared that with her where either we alternate getting up to feed or change him and most mornings I'm the one up with him - change and feed him before I go to work. When he was much younger we'd alternate the night shifts but now he only gets up like once in the night and she does that so I have no problem doing all I can during the morning. Most evenings I put him to sleep as well. I read to him and play with him when I don't go out on the road - we walk outside and check out bugs in the yard - birds - animals that may be outside - dogs, cats, etc. I've taught him to say different things and helped him as best I can.

I keep the baby whenever she has stuff to do, and even though he wrecks my stuff sometimes it doesn't bother me - last thing he wrecked was my PlayStation - things can be replaced but nothing can replace my wife and child.

I'm not going to disagree with the comments of how horrible a person I am. I'm not going to disagree that I probably was not and am not ready for marriage. I didn't come here to prove how awesome a guy I am, because I'm not. I'm a horrible person. I came here for advice.

She doesn't do the things she did before. How can I get her to be more interested in the things we did as teenagers? She admits that aside from my physical appearance not much else has changed. Is that such a bad thing?

On to the question of how I met the new girl it was through her father. We found out that we had stuff in common completely by accident - I was fixing her computer and we went to get lunch separately and came back with the exact same things. We talked and found that we have much more in common than either of us thought. I've not pushed a relationship with her, but I will admit to emotionally cheating. I spend more time with her than my wife because my wife doesn't seem as interested in the things we did.

I've since spoken to my wife about the issues. Something I really didn't want to do - talking isn't my strong point on topics outside of those I mentioned - and I rather typing or writing where I can correct stuff before people see it. We're going to try again at this, but I'm supposed to invite her if I'm going to play stuff. While I appreciate that it's almost like - I'm not interested but I'll do it with you if you want. This is not how she was before.

I admit that reaching out to someone else was wrong. I admit that I've cheated emotionally. The thing I want most is to have my girl back the way she was when we first met. I don't know how to get that......

As for the username I chose it because she's told me that I flirt even in front of her, but because she knows how I am she doesn't say anything. I compliment female and male clients and potential clients about the same IMO. I may compliment both on their IT devices but a female I'd probably comment on their attire or hair and make note of things they did different. For a male I'd talk about something that I know they're interested in - their team, their car, their PC but as far as compliments to a guy goes, it depends. Maybe on their new suit or something. I've also cheated on her physically once and I've told her about it and we've talked about it. I've not done it again and though the opportunity presents itself I've not taken it.

In my mind this is how it works: I don't know what use she has for me. If I actively try to flirt or get someone to like me - and I've tried - it doesn't work. For whatever reason. This says to me that I'm not desirable, and as a result I have no idea why she stays with me. None. If she left me, even with a kid she'd be able to get just about any guy she wants. I want validation that I have some sort of worth to someone and that she's not just blinded by something. Hasn't happened so I stopped. This emotional cheating just happened in the past year, simply because I met this other girl by chance. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. But it was a breath of fresh air to find someone so similar to me and who was eager to learn more about different game types and had a good anime collection. 

So again.......help.......

I want to keep my wife and not lose her, but I want her the way she was. What do I have to do? Am I going to have to give up who I am in order to do that?

*EDIT*
I forgot to mention. Based on what *Tiberius* posted the new girl is inflating my ego. She's not. I've sectioned her off as a "little sister" so to speak. We hang out and spend time with each other and have fun gaming and discussing anime. We don't kiss, hold hands or do anything of the sort. I enjoy being with her because of our interests being similar. She enjoys being with me for the same reason.

@ *Created2Write* - Yes. I was one of the best gamers within a 200 mile range - won tournaments and all that. When I got older and decided to go into IT instead of medicine I didn't think I'd find someone with similar interests. My wife had that. Whatever happened and she lost it I don't know. Emotionally cheating as I've come to understand it is that I've replaced that section of my life with her but kept my wife for everything else. 

@ *DoF* - My wife has cheated on me and it didn't matter to me. What matters to me is that she still loves me and comes home to me at night and we sleep together and cuddle. If she decided to stay out with someone else I'd find that as a problem and it would say to me that she doesn't love me anymore or wants out of the relationship. At the time that she cheated I had not done anything with anyone else - I slept with someone else just because she did. If someone is a better lover than I am, treats her nicer than I do then I have no issue with that. Once she learns something that she'd like then I'd ask her and try to adjust accordingly. Her reason for cheating is that she felt more wanted by him than by me. I tried to adjust that since and she hasn't cheated again. Aside from that one time when I cheated physically because she did I haven't done so again. This is also my first encounter with emotional cheating. I didn't see it as such until she started telling me that I enjoy being with this other girl more than her, and then she mentioned the term.

@ *richardsharpe* - The bedroom isn't the problem. The issue is that she doesn't play with me anymore. She plays L4D2 with my best friend more often than stuff with me. I've purchased and beaten every game that I know she likes and she's either watched or helped. She also has no passion or drive for anything in particular now and I don't know how to relate to that. Everyone has something that they like, love or have a passion for. Doesn't matter what it is. Work. Porn. Games. Sports. Demolition. It doesn't matter. She found a few things she liked but now I don't know what she wants. She's into exercise now - I guess because I need to lose like 20lbs - but she doesn't stick to anything. She's tried a lot of different free and paid programs so that she doesn't have to leave home but she hasn't decided to stick to one just yet. I think she finally decided on one because she hasn't said "oooh! let's get that!" to me as yet. But it's frustrating when I don't know what you love so I can get into it too so we can talk about it.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You said you are 30+ yes old but you act like a teenager.you are a married man with a child start acting like one.ask this new found love of yours if she is willing to carry your child for nine months and then go through birth with it like your wife did.do you ask your wife if she wants to do things other than games?As for your statement most boys don't grow I would have to disagree.Their are always some that don't,as in your case,but I think they are in the minority.Maybe your wife should divorce you and that will bring you into the grown up world of alimony and child support.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think you can help yourself by seeing a therapist. If your only interests are limited to mostly video games, you have a problem. BTW, when you get married, there is no guarantee that your partner won't change some. In fact, many things change, including interests. If you really love your wife, you would find out what she is interested in and pursue that. If your wife is rejecting involving you in her interests, it is probably because you have issues in your marriage. I mean, you both cheated and now you are having an emotional affair. Get your head straight. Go to marriage counseling as well as personal counseling. You owe it to your son to do so.


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

101Abn said:


> You said you are 30+ yes old but you act like a teenager.you are a married man with a child start acting like one.ask this new found love of yours if she is willing to carry your child for nine months and then go through birth with it like your wife did.do you ask your wife if she wants to do things other than games?As for your statement most boys don't grow I would have to disagree.Their are always some that don't,as in your case,but I think they are in the minority.Maybe your wife should divorce you and that will bring you into the grown up world of alimony and child support.


I haven't approached this girl on any relationship level. We're friends. The issue is I play more with her than I do with my wife because my wife has stopped playing as much with me. She plays some things now but more with my best friend than me. As far as growing up - that's overrated. I do what I need to do which is provide for my family. I don't need to grow up to do that. I'm in a field where I enjoy and love what I do. I could talk about it all day every day. I only leave home when something breaks down but I get paid regardless - I spend time with my wife and child. I only see this other girl occasionally when we have stuff to play or if her machine needs repairs or servicing. I'm not looking to leave my wife - no other female has that kind of interest in my in any case.



inquizitivemind said:


> I think you can help yourself by seeing a therapist. If your only interests are limited to mostly video games, you have a problem. BTW, when you get married, there is no guarantee that your partner won't change some. In fact, many things change, including interests. If you really love your wife, you would find out what she is interested in and pursue that. If your wife is rejecting involving you in her interests, it is probably because you have issues in your marriage. I mean, you both cheated and now you are having an emotional affair. Get your head straight. Go to marriage counseling as well as personal counseling. You owe it to your son to do so.


I don't see how that's a problem with my interests. If you want to start a conversation on any topic - religion, politics, economics, history, biology, evolution, anything - it doesn't matter. I can speak on any topic and provide views or insight. My favorite things are the areas I working in - IT - the things I like to do - games and anime. I can speak much better on those topics than others. I could go on and on about the "Last Airbender" movie and how much it sucks. I could go on about the management differences between first and third world countries and what the advantages and disadvantages are of each. The point is, I love the thing I do - the area within which I work - and I love games and anime.

I haven't changed - just physically. She said so herself. The only reason I went and slept with someone else after she did is because she never told me about it and I did that out of spite basically. If she told me that she was having an affair shortly after it happened I'd have not had a problem - but to hear about it after she was starting to break it off meant to me that she didn't trust me enough to tell me.

Even if she and I never fully reconcile things I'd rather pretend so I can have my child grow up in a family than leave her to raise him on her own. 

As far as being interested in the things she does - did you see what I wrote before? I don't know what she likes or is interested in now. Exercise as I said, but that's a slow process for me. The one person I exercised with previously died in a car accident and that turned me away from it for a long time. I'm just starting it back, so her being all ready to do so doesn't help me much. Also her method with exercising is different from mine - she's about getting it done while I'm about friendly competition and fun. I'm paying for her license as a realtor and she's not doing anything with it. I've purchased everything she wanted for hair and she's not telling me about what she has to do, whether or not she's running low on products or anything. For the past couple of days she's done the cooking all by herself without asking me for any help. 

Again I get the impression that people here think I'm trying to justify leaving my wife. I don't want to leave her. I realize that I have more fun with another girl than I do her - I want to fix that. I want to know how to fix that.

As for a therapist, I know someone who is and I'll speak with them to get things done on my own. As for group therapy I don't know - I've suggested that before and she didn't answer me on the topic.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cartoons, video games, girl on the side...Are you sure you're 30+?


Look I get you may be a really awesome, super cool gamer and all that, but you have a young child. Your wife can't play games with you as much anymore because SHE HAS TO GROW UP and take care of the young child. 

When the child gets older and more independent, THEN she can get back into playing with you. 

But right now, your kid needs you to spend time with him...not your girlfriend. Your wife needs you to spend time with her, not your girlfriend. That's part of being married. You didn't get the memo?

Of course this girl seems awesome because she doesn't have any responsibilities! She has all the time in the world to play video games and watch cartoons. It won't be like that forever though.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

your 2nd post in the thread makes you seem at least partly grown up, you support your wife and baby financially etc. The part of you that longs to be a teenager again at the risk of your marriage is the non-grownup part. 

Why don't you try to catch up to your wife in maturity - I bet you're not all that far behind her, frankly. do this rather than find someone else at your current maturity level - which could sink your marriage, your baby could grow up and not have respect for you and other associated very bad stuff. The gaming 'girl' you met is not worth it....probably not by a long shot. work on your marriage.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I think you're right, OP. BOYS don't grow up - but MEN do!

Stop ruining someone else's life so that you can walk around thinking you're some sort of stud!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> How'd you meet the new girl?


*cough* MMORPG!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

serialcheater said:


> I'm an introvert. I hate large groups of people. I don't like interactions. Online there are no faces and no people to deal with. If you make a mistake you can correct it while typing.
> 
> If there's a family reunion I'm by myself. I may know everyone there and be friends with everyone there INDIVIDUALLY but the fact that we're all in the same place and just socializing? Not for me. Heavily uneasy.
> 
> If I'm to speak at a function, give a lecture or play games with friends then it's different. The attention is focused on either a topic or an action. I don't like being in situations where this is not the case.


If you want to live the rest of your life entirely within your comfort zones, you should not have gotten married. Every kind of relationship requires us to be uncomfortable at times. You sound VERY immature with no desire whatsoever to actually BE an adult. 



> As for the things I do - I'm in the IT field. If I could fix your stuff and not take payment for it I would - but I have to feed my family. My wife doesn't work and I support my family as best I can.
> 
> I met my wife at a church camp that I was forced to go by my parents. She's the daughter of my parents' friends and I didn't ever do that nor did I want to do that because I don't want to be the cause of a falling out of my parents and their friends. I took my PC to the camp and stayed by myself. She was introduced to me by a guy there that decided to be friendly as a girl who plays games and watches anime. That's the basis for our relationship in the beginning. As I mentioned before I have issues dealing with people IRL. She is one of the few people I can be around for an extended period without being completely annoyed - I can't do that around my parents, my blood sibling and most of the people I come in contact with. I can't deal with the interactions.
> 
> With my wife (as my GF before marriage) we would talk about everything and anything for hours on end. I purchased two phones with unlimited plans for us so we could just talk. Most of it was either about games, anime or random stuff she wanted to talk about - mostly I'd listen until it was on the topics that I could speak on which are games, anime and IT. If she talked about religion, politics, family or anything else I'd wait till she asked for my input or give comments based on what the discussion was about. I don't consider myself so limited to the topics that I love, but I hate discussing anything else because they're outside of my comfort zone. Especially politics. 99.9% of political leaders are for themselves and not for their country IMO.


....You realize that _life_ goes beyond video games? Marriage _must_ go deeper than a mutual enjoyment of a specific pass-time. Relationship can _start_ with mutual interests, and often do, but they can't and won't last without _real_ friendship and maturity. If you only married your wife because she was the only chick who shared your interests, then you married for the wrong reason. 



> Before, during and after the baby she had drive and passion for things. When she was into hair I'd help her by relaxing her hair (people thought she went to a salon ) - helping her transition to go fully natural - helped with combing, washing and using various treatments. I purchased everything she wanted and talked to her about the things she wanted to try on hair forums. Nowadays she does most of the stuff herself, doesn't ask me for any help and doesn't talk to me about it. Granted she's probably peaked on that and there's nothing else for her now since she's found a regimen that works.
> 
> When she got into real-estate (something she could mostly do from home) I paid for her license, I'd check on the clients, make calls, set appointments take her to see the clients, check for any places without an agent and try to make arrangements for her to get the listing. She's done nothing outside of what I've helped her do. Most of the things she's done in real-estate I've either helped her to do or done for her. She hasn't done any calling, follow-ups or taken any of the prospective new listings I found for her and it's been so long that some of the prospective ones are now listed by other realtors.
> 
> ...


See, these things don't make up for the fact that you have no desire to be an adult. To not only act like one, but to actually BE one. The IT field is a difficult field to be in, and it's great that you love what you do. But what about your wife? You have no passion in what you write about her. None. The way you write about your work expresses joy, fulfillment, excitement for what you do. Your wife and child sound like an obligation and nothing more. 



> I'm not going to disagree with the comments of how horrible a person I am. I'm not going to disagree that I probably was not and am not ready for marriage. I didn't come here to prove how awesome a guy I am, because I'm not. I'm a horrible person. I came here for advice.


Advice: tell your wife how you want to stay a teenager all your life, and that you want her to be one as well or you won't be able to love her. Tell her how you've met this girl who, while having absolutely no commitment to you whatsoever, has replaced your wife in your affections and for no other reason than that she plays video games with you. 



> She doesn't do the things she did before. How can I get her to be more interested in the things we did as teenagers?


_She is a mother and a wife now_, she's NOT a teenager. Neither are you! You're both married adults, you can't live like teenagers anymore. That doesn't mean you can't ever game again, but you shouldn't place the priority on it like you do. Your marriage should be more important. 

My husband loves video games. I used to play with him more often, before we married. Neither of us had much money, and it was something we could do for free. Now? I don't play with him hardly at all anymore. It's not my thing, even though I did enjoy it when I was younger. What changed? _I freaking grew up_. So did my husband. He plays maybe once or twice a week, and he realizes that an adult male, who has a wife, _can't_ be the nineteen year old anymore. 



> She admits that aside from my physical appearance not much else has changed. Is that such a bad thing?


Your appearance? Depends. If it's merely a matter of going bald, then probably not. If it's a matter of now being unhealthy due to weight gain, then yes. I doubt that your appearance has much at all to do with her change in interests, though. 



> On to the question of how I met the new girl it was through her father. We found out that we had stuff in common completely by accident - I was fixing her computer and we went to get lunch separately and came back with the exact same things. We talked and found that we have much more in common than either of us thought. I've not pushed a relationship with her, but I will admit to emotionally cheating. I spend more time with her than my wife because my wife doesn't seem as interested in the things we did.


You can't keep hanging out with this new girl. Not if you want your marriage to succeed. If video games are more important than your wife, then you need to be a man and end your marriage. 



> I've since spoken to my wife about the issues. Something I really didn't want to do - talking isn't my strong point on topics outside of those I mentioned - and I rather typing or writing where I can correct stuff before people see it. We're going to try again at this, but I'm supposed to invite her if I'm going to play stuff. While I appreciate that it's almost like - I'm not interested but I'll do it with you if you want. This is not how she was before.


SERIOUSLY? Your wife is trying to make your marriage work by gaming with you again, and your only thought is to complain about her enthusiasm? Do you expect her to just forget about your emotional affair? How do you think she feels about this, knowing that video games are enough to make you cheat? She probably feels like crap, and all you can do is complain?

Your wife deserves better.



> I admit that reaching out to someone else was wrong. I admit that I've cheated emotionally. The thing I want most is to have my girl back the way she was when we first met. I don't know how to get that......


You shouldn't even expect this! Your wife ISN'T the girl she was when you first met! Was she married back then? Did she have a kid? She has changed, in GOOD ways. Natural ways. Gaming is NOT important to her anymore. It shouldn't have to be important. 

Do you spend time with her? NOT playing a video game? Do you take her out? Do you converse with her? Do you invest in her? 



> As for the username I chose it because she's told me that I flirt even in front of her, but because she knows how I am she doesn't say anything. I compliment female and male clients and potential clients about the same IMO. I may compliment both on their IT devices but a female I'd probably comment on their attire or hair and make note of things they did different. For a male I'd talk about something that I know they're interested in - their team, their car, their PC but as far as compliments to a guy goes, it depends. Maybe on their new suit or something. I've also cheated on her physically once and I've told her about it and we've talked about it. I've not done it again and though the opportunity presents itself I've not taken it.


So, you've physically cheated on her, emotionally cheated on her, she's STILL with you, still willing to change to make things work, while you DON'T change and even REFUSE to? 

You don't realize how lucky you are. I'd have dumped your @ss a long time ago. 



> In my mind this is how it works: I don't know what use she has for me. If I actively try to flirt or get someone to like me - and I've tried - it doesn't work. For whatever reason. This says to me that I'm not desirable, and as a result I have no idea why she stays with me. None. If she left me, even with a kid she'd be able to get just about any guy she wants. I want validation that I have some sort of worth to someone and that she's not just blinded by something. Hasn't happened so I stopped. This emotional cheating just happened in the past year, simply because I met this other girl by chance. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. But it was a breath of fresh air to find someone so similar to me and who was eager to learn more about different game types and had a good anime collection.
> 
> So again.......help.......


Grow the hell up. Or divorce your wife so she can find a man who appreciates _her_, and doesn't give a crap about her anime collection. 

Video games and movies DO NOT build a foundation for a successful marriage. You're so focused on gaming and anime that you're neglecting a woman who has put up with TWO infidelities, and is STILL trying to make your marriage work. You want validation? You want to be desirable? CHANGE! There is nothing desirable about a man who cares more about video games than his marriage. You can't expect your wife to overlook this. 



> I want to keep my wife and not lose her, but I want her the way she was. What do I have to do? Am I going to have to give up who I am in order to do that?


You want your wife to do all of the changing while you get to stay the same. It doesn't work that way. Both spouses have to compromise and sacrifice at times. You can love gaming, you can't expect her to. It's not like sex. Gaming is NOT essential to a relationship. 



> @ *Created2Write* - Yes. I was one of the best gamers within a 200 mile range - won tournaments and all that. When I got older and decided to go into IT instead of medicine I didn't think I'd find someone with similar interests. My wife had that. Whatever happened and she lost it I don't know. Emotionally cheating as I've come to understand it is that I've replaced that section of my life with her but kept my wife for everything else.


Yes, that's what emotional cheating is. You need to understand something: people's interests and hobbies _change_ throughout their life. They get married, go to school, get a career, have kids...these things often change our interests and hobbies. It's natural. You married your wife because she liked to play video games, a _horrible_ reason to marry someone. And now, when those interests of hers have changed, you're upset. You're faced with two choices: your wife or video games. You can't have both. At least, probably not the way you did before. 



> @ *DoF* - My wife has cheated on me and it didn't matter to me.


Oh for the love of God. NEITHER of you should be married to the other. 



> What matters to me is that she still loves me and comes home to me at night and we sleep together and cuddle. If she decided to stay out with someone else I'd find that as a problem and it would say to me that she doesn't love me anymore or wants out of the relationship. At the time that she cheated I had not done anything with anyone else - I slept with someone else just because she did. If someone is a better lover than I am, treats her nicer than I do then I have no issue with that. Once she learns something that she'd like then I'd ask her and try to adjust accordingly. Her reason for cheating is that she felt more wanted by him than by me. I tried to adjust that since and she hasn't cheated again. Aside from that one time when I cheated physically because she did I haven't done so again. This is also my first encounter with emotional cheating. I didn't see it as such until she started telling me that I enjoy being with this other girl more than her, and then she mentioned the term.


*Your wife doesn't feel wanted by you because you love video games more than her.* That doesn't justify cheating, because she was just as wrong to cheat as you were, but it explains it. 



> @ *richardsharpe* - The bedroom isn't the problem. The issue is that she doesn't play with me anymore. She plays L4D2 with my best friend more often than stuff with me. I've purchased and beaten every game that I know she likes and she's either watched or helped. She also has no passion or drive for anything in particular now and I don't know how to relate to that. Everyone has something that they like, love or have a passion for. Doesn't matter what it is. Work. Porn. Games. Sports. Demolition. It doesn't matter. She found a few things she liked but now I don't know what she wants. She's into exercise now - I guess because I need to lose like 20lbs - but she doesn't stick to anything. She's tried a lot of different free and paid programs so that she doesn't have to leave home but she hasn't decided to stick to one just yet. I think she finally decided on one because she hasn't said "oooh! let's get that!" to me as yet. But it's frustrating when I don't know what you love so I can get into it too so we can talk about it.


....She sounds depressed. VERY depressed. And unhappy. And I can only pity her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This should tell pretty much anyone all that they'd need to know about OP...



serialcheater said:


> *My girl is epic in her own ways - the things she does and how she is when we actually do play videogames together and such*, but she's lost the drive to do things. *This new girl however is so much like me* it's frightening. *Down to the food we eat and the games we like* - not always in the games department - but the attitude towards stuff - we mesh much better than my girl.


Seriously, OP... if the one metric that you consistently pull out in a side-by-side comparison between your "girl" and this "new girl" is what you perceive to be some sort of deep and meaningful compatibility based on the video games that each of them likes to play, then you probably don't need _any_ girl other than your Level 90 Night Elf Hunter.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> This should tell pretty much anyone all that they'd need to know about OP...
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously, OP... if the one metric that you consistently pull out in a side-by-side comparison between your "girl" and this "new girl" is what you perceive to be some sort of deep and meaningful compatibility based on the video games that each of them likes to play, then you probably don't need _any_ girl other than your Level 90 Night Elf Hunter.


I wholeheartedly agree.


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

Created2Write said:


> If you want to live the rest of your life entirely within your comfort zones, you should not have gotten married. Every kind of relationship requires us to be uncomfortable at times. You sound VERY immature with no desire whatsoever to actually BE an adult.


Never wanted to grow up. Still don't but life doesn't work that way. As a result I provide for the ones I love and still do what I can for my parents.



Created2Write said:


> ....You realize that _life_ goes beyond video games? Marriage _must_ go deeper than a mutual enjoyment of a specific pass-time. Relationship can _start_ with mutual interests, and often do, but they can't and won't last without _real_ friendship and maturity. If you only married your wife because she was the only chick who shared your interests, then you married for the wrong reason.


If I didn't think it went beyond games I'd have broken up with her for missing a few sessions or not playing with me a long time ago. 



Created2Write said:


> See, these things don't make up for the fact that you have no desire to be an adult. To not only act like one, but to actually BE one. The IT field is a difficult field to be in, and it's great that you love what you do. But what about your wife? You have no passion in what you write about her. None. The way you write about your work expresses joy, fulfillment, excitement for what you do. Your wife and child sound like an obligation and nothing more.


I will agree that my passion for her has died, but to say I have none would not be true. And I'm not with my wife and child out of obligation. That was rude. I'll take what you say as you're entitled to your opinion, but that was still rude.



Created2Write said:


> Advice: tell your wife how you want to stay a teenager all your life, and that you want her to be one as well or you won't be able to love her. Tell her how you've met this girl who, while having absolutely no commitment to you whatsoever, has replaced your wife in your affections and for no other reason than that she plays video games with you.


And this is why I spoke to her to work it out. If I didn't want to stay with her I'd have left. I want to know how to get her back into the things we did.



Created2Write said:


> _She is a mother and a wife now_, she's NOT a teenager. Neither are you! You're both married adults, you can't live like teenagers anymore. That doesn't mean you can't ever game again, but you shouldn't place the priority on it like you do. Your marriage should be more important.


While I'm a workaholic if she tells me that I need to come home I always do. And obviously you don't see the things I've said that I do. If I had no value for her or my son I'd leave her alone to do "what women are supposed to do" or some other tripe like that.



Created2Write said:


> My husband loves video games. I used to play with him more often, before we married. Neither of us had much money, and it was something we could do for free. Now? I don't play with him hardly at all anymore. It's not my thing, even though I did enjoy it when I was younger. What changed? _I freaking grew up_. So did my husband. He plays maybe once or twice a week, and he realizes that an adult male, who has a wife, _can't_ be the nineteen year old anymore.


It's not been so much a part of your lives that you bonded on that. You don't relate that way - we did.



Created2Write said:


> Your appearance? Depends. If it's merely a matter of going bald, then probably not. If it's a matter of now being unhealthy due to weight gain, then yes. I doubt that your appearance has much at all to do with her change in interests, though.


I'm 5'11" and 205 currently. We got married when I was 220. She met me when I was 160 and benching 200.



Created2Write said:


> You can't keep hanging out with this new girl. Not if you want your marriage to succeed. If video games are more important than your wife, then you need to be a man and end your marriage.


If I was actively looking to get with this other girl I'd agree. While I will agree that I can't emotionally commit to her anymore I don't see myself cutting her off totally. If it comes to that then I will have no choice. That will be my wife's decision.



Created2Write said:


> SERIOUSLY? Your wife is trying to make your marriage work by gaming with you again, and your only thought is to complain about her enthusiasm? Do you expect her to just forget about your emotional affair? How do you think she feels about this, knowing that video games are enough to make you cheat? She probably feels like crap, and all you can do is complain?


I don't believe in faking something like this. If you don't want to be involved in it let me know and we'll work on other things that you may like. Don't pretend for my sake. 



Created2Write said:


> Your wife deserves better.


I tell her this all the time..........



Created2Write said:


> You shouldn't even expect this! Your wife ISN'T the girl she was when you first met! Was she married back then? Did she have a kid? She has changed, in GOOD ways. Natural ways. Gaming is NOT important to her anymore. It shouldn't have to be important.


If it wasn't important she wouldn't be playing at all. Part of the issue is how she relates to it - it's not as much of a competitive thing to her as it is to me, and as such she's said she doesn't like to play when I'm in competition. She'll watch but not play in that case, but my issue is she's playing stuff but not with me. She doesn't invite me.



Created2Write said:


> Do you spend time with her? NOT playing a video game? Do you take her out? Do you converse with her? Do you invest in her?


My wife's extremely frugal. While she doesn't complain much when I get her stuff I don't know how to treat her. She didn't let me take her out and stuff because it's too expensive. We haven't been hiking or camping since the baby because we have to think about the toll on him. Once he gets to be like 2 or older then we may go back to doing that kind of stuff. As for investment........I guess none of the things I said before matter. I'm not going to even bother to ask personal questions on this.



Created2Write said:


> So, you've physically cheated on her, emotionally cheated on her, she's STILL with you, still willing to change to make things work, while you DON'T change and even REFUSE to?
> 
> You don't realize how lucky you are. I'd have dumped your @ss a long time ago.


And that would be completely justified. I'm not going to say "don't leave me" when I think you deserve better. I don't know why she chose me in the first place - especially considering that I haven't changed in the past 20 years or more. Maybe I can hold a conversation better now but that's about it. Better vocabulary.



Created2Write said:


> Grow the hell up. Or divorce your wife so she can find a man who appreciates _her_, and doesn't give a crap about her anime collection.


I'm not leaving her for someone else. I thought I made that clear. If all I was interested in was her gaming abilities or interests - again - I'd have left her. It's not a matter of how impressive she is at the things she plays but a matter of her attitude towards it.



Created2Write said:


> Video games and movies DO NOT build a foundation for a successful marriage. You're so focused on gaming and anime that you're neglecting a woman who has put up with TWO infidelities, and is STILL trying to make your marriage work. You want validation? You want to be desirable? CHANGE! There is nothing desirable about a man who cares more about video games than his marriage. You can't expect your wife to overlook this.


Again you're on this - I will take it as I said. If gaming was so important as you make it sound I'd be on FPS games with my team every single time they have a tournament. Instead I spend the time with my wife and son.



Created2Write said:


> You want your wife to do all of the changing while you get to stay the same. It doesn't work that way. Both spouses have to compromise and sacrifice at times. You can love gaming, you can't expect her to. It's not like sex. Gaming is NOT essential to a relationship.


That depends on how you bond. I agree that compromise has to be present, but how much do I need to give for her to spend time with me the way I'd like? That's how I spend time. 



Created2Write said:


> Yes, that's what emotional cheating is. You need to understand something: people's interests and hobbies _change_ throughout their life. They get married, go to school, get a career, have kids...these things often change our interests and hobbies. It's natural. You married your wife because she liked to play video games, a _horrible_ reason to marry someone. And now, when those interests of hers have changed, you're upset. You're faced with two choices: your wife or video games. You can't have both. At least, probably not the way you did before.


The only factor in this equation is my son. Once he gets older and can get to sleep on his own I see no reason she and I can't spend more time gaming. My interests have remained the same. My family is my priority but that doesn't change the person I am.




Created2Write said:


> Oh for the love of God. NEITHER of you should be married to the other.


Please say what you want about me. Say nothing bad about my wife. Anything she did is as a result of physical or emotional cheating on my part or neglect. I take full responsibility. I'd appreciate it greatly if you spoke no ill of her again.



Created2Write said:


> *Your wife doesn't feel wanted by you because you love video games more than her.* That doesn't justify cheating, because she was just as wrong to cheat as you were, but it explains it.


She doesn't feel wanted because I'm not the one to initiate sex. I feel like if she wants it she should let me know. I'm not going to chase her after she feels like she's separated from me emotionally. If she lets me know she wants me then fine. I'm not going to chase her for it. That's probably an issue on my part that I need to work at. My libido is much higher than hers, but I am not going to chase her when I don't know if she wants me. I don't want duty sex. Sorry.




Created2Write said:


> ....She sounds depressed. VERY depressed. And unhappy. And I can only pity her.


Again this is my fault. While I've tried to do all I can to make her happy I can't relate to someone who I see no desire in. Let's take you for example. Let's say you're a florist. If you're doing it as a job and not a career then I have no interest in talking to you about your job. You have no drive or passion for what you do. It's a means to get money. Not something you enjoy. When she enjoyed things I was right there helping her through each one. She does none of that now and from before any cheating took place. At least if we played stuff together and I got stuff out of her like that I'd feel better somewhat.

In FPS games she's a better shot than I am. In other team games she's great as support for healing. In her community she was unbeaten in NFS. Overall she's great. Growing up will change you to hate things you once loved? Really? I don't believe that. I guess since you learned there's no Santa you hate the concept entirely. I'm sorry - never believed that so it's the reason I drew that one. 

You see - I will take any garbage thrown. Any. All I want is a way to get back the desire for her to do something - to love something. She's an excellent mother and a great housewife - she just has no passion for anything anymore. We don't play anymore. Tonight was the first time in a while that I was asked to help in the kitchen - just shredded some cheese and diced some onions - nothing major - but that's a start IMO. 

If she decided to never play with me again it wouldn't be an issue if she had a desire for something and we could talk about that. If she took me back as the one to help her with the kitchen stuff that would be great too. She has no choice with the baby because I'm always up before her in the mornings and change him, feed him, read to him, walk with him etc. 

What I want back is her. Not another girl. While the new girl filled the gap left by her absence I don't want a replacement. I want her back. This growing up thing blows. Seriously.



GusPolinski said:


> *cough* MMORPG!


Good one, but no. I don't do MMO's really. Last one I did was 2Moons. Last thing she and I played online together (aside from L4D2) was AdventureQuest. Because she claims she liked it. She stopped. I didn't bother to level too far past her because we were playing together. Meh........


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think your wife replaced her passion for gaming for her son.....

and it bothers you.

It also bothers you that you can rugsweep her cheating, but she doesn't allow you the same freedom.

Frankly, I'm glad your wife is no longer addicted to gaming. I'm glad that her "new" passion is your son. Her priorities are in the right place.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

serialcheater said:


> Her reason for cheating is that she felt more wanted by him than by me.


Hmm... Allow me to use your own words to explain precisely why she felt more "wanted" by OM than by you...



serialcheater said:


> My wife has cheated on me and it didn't matter to me. What matters to me is that she still loves me and comes home to me at night and we sleep together and cuddle. If she decided to stay out with someone else I'd find that as a problem and it would say to me that she doesn't love me anymore or wants out of the relationship.





serialcheater said:


> If someone is a better lover than I am, treats her nicer than I do then I have no issue with that. Once she learns something that she'd like then I'd ask her and try to adjust accordingly.


Seriously...? The overwhelming majority of women don't want to hear "Baby, it's OK if you go out and get some strange, just so long as you come home to me."

You aren't claiming her as your own, and if you're not willing to do this, get ready to start sharing your wife w/ other men. Again. Until, that is, she decides that she doesn't want to be your wife anymore.

Or would that even matter to you...?!?



serialcheater said:


> At the time that she cheated I had not done anything with anyone else - I slept with someone else just because she did.





serialcheater said:


> Aside from that one time when I cheated physically because she did I haven't done so again.


This makes no sense; if it didn't matter to you that she'd cheated, why engage in a revenge affair? Either way, how did your wife respond to it?



serialcheater said:


> I tried to adjust that since and she hasn't cheated again.


Are you sure...?



serialcheater said:


> The issue is that she doesn't play with me anymore. She plays L4D2 with my best friend more often than stuff with me.


Hmm... Sounds like you need to check in on your "best friend".


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

oh boy..... set aside every word of advice I posted earlier in this thread. so your wife is an adultress?! holy sh**t! let me clear something up for you - you are NOT lucky to have her, probably just the opposite. the excuse she gave you for cheating is simply some of the normal bull*hit all WS spew out. 

the new girl you've met is now looking a lot better IMO - after all she hasn't broken any marital vows. if maturity is what you're after, here would be a great way to take that step into adulthood: divorce your wife. I.e. display the maturity to recognize a deceptive, manipulative individual and reject them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

All cheating begins in the mind. The only way you know jack squat about this other lady is because your married butt chose to spend a great deal of time chatting her up. Things don't "just happen". You had to choose every word you said to her. You made a choice every time you engaged in her conversation, every time you went out of your way to see her. You're over 30 but you fear your much younger wife is more mature than you are. You characterized yourself as a child....over 30 years old. That's rather sad. A jellyfish goes wherever the current takes it. An undisciplined kid does whatever they can get away with. A man does what is right and a decent married man puts the needs of those under his protection above his own selfish concerns. 
This new woman has no mysterious parts your wife doesn't possess. She has no skills your wife doesn't either have or is incapable of learning. She could be just as interesting or more interesting than Miss New Thang. You choose to elevate this new woman in your mind because you have to justify something wrong to yourself. Humans have to justify to themselves everything they do. You spend time with Miss Thang so you have to make that seem justified and right. If you romanced your wife, you'd soon be justifying that to yourself (and you'd get to keep both halves of your property). There will always be an interesting, gorgeous woman in your vicinity. If you ditched your wife for Miss Thang, you'd eventually be distracted by someone else. I think the secret to marital contentment isn't in finding the right person but it's in being the right person. Very few really quality women would give a married guy two minutes of their time. If she's whiling away the hours chatting you up but she knows you're married, her morals aren't any higher than your's. In marriage, it's very handy to have a wife with decent morals (unless you just crave being lied to and cheated on).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Plenty of boys grow up to be men. The rest? Well they just look more and more pathetic the older they get; if you are ok with that being you then keep making excuses and behaving like you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> oh boy..... set aside every word of advice I posted earlier in this thread. so your wife is an adultress?! holy sh**t! let me clear something up for you - you are NOT lucky to have her, probably just the opposite. the excuse she gave you for cheating is simply some of the normal bull*hit all WS spew out.
> 
> the new girl you've met is now looking a lot better IMO - after all she hasn't broken any marital vows. if maturity is what you're after, here would be a great way to take that step into adulthood: divorce your wife. I.e. display the maturity to recognize a deceptive, manipulative individual and reject them.


Once more - while this is your opinion - please try to keep the negativity towards my wife at a minimum. Don't appreciate that at all. I don't really care what she did. I will take any amount of blame for what she did - I will never blame her for it. I've already done the irresponsible, irrational and immature thing by doing what she did instead of letting it go. I've taken it further by now emotionally cheating. While initially I may have considered the new girl neither of us have ventured down that path. We just talk about games and anime a lot because she's as into it (or more into it) as I am.



unbelievable said:


> All cheating begins in the mind. The only way you know jack squat about this other lady is because your married butt chose to spend a great deal of time chatting her up. Things don't "just happen". You had to choose every word you said to her. You made a choice every time you engaged in her conversation, every time you went out of your way to see her. You're over 30 but you fear your much younger wife is more mature than you are. You characterized yourself as a child....over 30 years old. That's rather sad. A jellyfish goes wherever the current takes it. An undisciplined kid does whatever they can get away with. A man does what is right and a decent married man puts the needs of those under his protection above his own selfish concerns.
> This new woman has no mysterious parts your wife doesn't possess. She has no skills your wife doesn't either have or is incapable of learning. She could be just as interesting or more interesting than Miss New Thang. You choose to elevate this new woman in your mind because you have to justify something wrong to yourself. Humans have to justify to themselves everything they do. You spend time with Miss Thang so you have to make that seem justified and right. If you romanced your wife, you'd soon be justifying that to yourself (and you'd get to keep both halves of your property). There will always be an interesting, gorgeous woman in your vicinity. If you ditched your wife for Miss Thang, you'd eventually be distracted by someone else. I think the secret to marital contentment isn't in finding the right person but it's in being the right person. Very few really quality women would give a married guy two minutes of their time. If she's whiling away the hours chatting you up but she knows you're married, her morals aren't any higher than your's. In marriage, it's very handy to have a wife with decent morals (unless you just crave being lied to and cheated on).


I like how you put this. I really do. Again the new girl isn't saying or doing anything to suggest a relationship - we just enjoy playing stuff together. Something my wife and I haven't done in a while. And it's not like I'm spending time with her alone - I teach her KOF while we discuss DUST and either play or train some younger guys in UT. It's just how I hang out in the days. It's easier for me to do that now because my wife's brother is visiting her parents and usually I leave her there to spend time with them - if I'm on the road working this can't be done but since she's not ready till in the night I hang around a few guys and play stuff. The new girl hangs around to play as well. That's all we do.



lifeistooshort said:


> Plenty of boys grow up to be men. The rest? Well they just look more and more pathetic the older they get; if you are ok with that being you then keep making excuses and behaving like you are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya. I'm immature. Part of the reason my son rathers me I guess. He relates to me more like a child but still respects and listens to me because I've set the ground rules as to who the parent is. That's probably the only case where I behave my age - or when I have clients to deal with. That's a part of who I am and unless something drastic happens - maybe another death in my family - I doubt that will change. Sorry.

-------------------------------------------------------------

So far what I've seen is this. Some people here have a good sense of humor, some have a high distaste for infidelity, some take things either too religiously or personally. I appreciate the views because each bit of negativity gives some insight all the same. Still I haven't read much in terms of advice aside from what *unbelievable* wrote. And again I agree.

What's being done so far is we've decided to move forward. She's been playing and discussing more with me. She's been asking me for help in the kitchen more often. I've cut down communication with the new girl to a minimum and really only reply when she asks about certain topics on games, anime or the story she's working on with her manga project.

Things have gotten better and seem to be going back to where they were - and I'm trying hard not to question her motives for playing. If doing it out of duty will help her to get back into it then I'm fine with that. I've been looking at the motive and not the reason is - her motive is to do it so she can spend time with me - the reason is to build up so she can enjoy it again. If that makes any sense.

I'll still come back to see what will be said so I can learn from it, and I thank you all for the feedback - good and bad. I may lurk and give my two cents every now and again, but the bulk of the responses reminds me of why I don't join forums or participate in things outside of tech items. Last time I had this kind of flack to deal with (on a tech forum where I was right) I didn't go back for 4 years. 

I'll update however and let you say "I told you so" if it comes to that, or hopefully if things get exceptionally good I can share what was done and others can think of alternate routes to take before calling it quits. Seriously that's what I'd have done from the first few posts. For the results in just a couple of days I'm glad I didn't listen. Thanks again.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

> She doesn't feel wanted because I'm not the one to initiate sex. I feel like if she wants it she should let me know. I'm not going to chase her after she feels like she's separated from me emotionally. If she lets me know she wants me then fine. I'm not going to chase her for it. That's probably an issue on my part that I need to work at. My libido is much higher than hers, but I am not going to chase her when I don't know if she wants me. I don't want duty sex. Sorry.


If she had the same attitude would you both be in a sexless marriage? 
Are you giving her duty sex since it's on her to chase you down (if not than why assume she would be).
It sounds like your wife needs actions from you to know you sexually desire her (pretty common) and isn't feeling you desire her since your not making any effort to initiate.

You see the other girl for very short periods of time, someone who you don't share a home with and have a child with is probably going to seem a lot more fun but is no indicator of how that person is 24/7.


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## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

TiggyBlue said:


> If she had the same attitude would you both be in a sexless marriage?
> Are you giving her duty sex since it's on her to chase you down (if not than why assume she would be).
> It sounds like your wife needs actions from you to know you sexually desire her (pretty common) and isn't feeling you desire her since your not making any effort to initiate.
> 
> You see the other girl for very short periods of time, someone who you don't share a home with and have a child with is probably going to seem a lot more fun but is no indicator of how that person is 24/7.


Love your avatar BTW. 

Sex is the only way to become physically closer to a person. While I understand that seeing a person on a daily basis is different from living with the person I wasn't trying to find ways to replace my wife. I just wanted her to be the way she was so I wouldn't need to be looking elsewhere for what I had gotten from her previously.

As for sexual desire, my wife is hot IMO. She doesn't like her body because she thinks she needs to gain more weight - I love her as she is. Nothing I say makes a difference in that department. Trust that it's not that I don't want her, but with her negative views towards her body I'd rather leave her till she's in the mood and initiate than try stuff and hear negative things.

There's also the fact that in the past she complained that I grabbed and touched her in certain places only - I like to play. I'd tickle her and run and stuff like that - or like nibble on her neck from behind then tickle her and run. It's how I've been from day one. If she had an issue I'd have rathered she told me. Sex should be fun and move to deeper intimacy unless it's gonna start with music, candles and such - if it's day to day it should be fun.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

You don't ever initiate with your wife? That's one major way to make her feel unwanted. Some women are initiators, some women aren't. I love sex, but I'm not an initiator. If my husband didn't initiate my assumption would be that he's lost all love and passion for me. This could be a big reason why your wife has stopped playing with you.

Look, you need to change EVERYTHING about how you approach your marriage and your wife. You are setting yourself up to fail. 

One other thing I want to comment on...growing up doesn't mean you hate what you once enjoyed. Please don't exaggerate what's being said. Growing means that your priorities change...it means that the things you once enjoyed as individuals and as a couple aren't always going to be a major part of your relationship. I get that it's something you bonded over, but you should be bonding in other ways now. Gaming a little is fine, but at your age and position in life(being both a husband and a father) you need to start letting it go. Your wife shouldn't _have_ to play with you if it's not something she enjoys anymore. You _should_ be willing to find something else you both enjoy and love to do. Housework, btw, is *not* investing in her. Helping with the realestate stuff is, but she's not using that right now, so you need find other ways of investing in her...especially time, and doing something that ISN'T gaming.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

serialcheater said:


> Sex is the only way to become physically closer to a person.


And this is exactly why you shouldn't be OK w/ your wife engaging in sex w/ others.



serialcheater said:


> Sex should be fun and move to deeper intimacy unless it's gonna start with music, candles and such - if it's day to day it should be fun.


Well, it should never be *not* fun.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I think you are repressing (in a Big way) the justifiable anger you have toward your wife for cheating on you. you are exaggerating your so- called immaturity. Deep down you know your wife is bad for you, and that you need to find a better person for a life partner. You are going about doing that. What you really want to do is keep the girl and ditch your wife. And you are right.


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