# At wits end in marriage



## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

Hi y'all, as the title suggest I am just beat. Been married 3 year's, feel completely alone as if I am not married. The significant other decided to take on a new biz venture which, I feel is the final nail in the coffin. Trying to be supportive but this has financially drained me as I've been left to pay what he can't. We cannot even have a discussion about anything, if he asks me how my day is or whatever the topic, as soon as I speak he will interrupt and starts talking about himself. I see this as someone who doesn't care to know anything about me. Keep in mind with this new job he's gone for weeks and months at a time, relief for me as I don't have to physically be around him but we fight constantly, usually about money . He doesn't think twice when asking me for financial help, which would be fine but he will not help me financially at all and never has. He will be generous with his family however. I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried and tried, being patient, asking him straight up why he acts the way that he does, which makes us fight more. What to do?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Regular girl said:


> What to do?


Cut off any and all financial help you give him. Tell him he is a MAN with responsibility to pay his own way, now, and FOREVER.
No fight.....no lines in sand. Just THE WAY IT IS, from now on.
Take any money now in joint accounts and put it all in your own.

Go see a lawyer. Find out where you will stand in the divorce. You may be quite surprised to learn that if your income is higher than his, you will be court-ordered to pay him support.
You may have more power over your own life remaining married. BTDT. It worked better than a divorce.
Make him an INSIGNIFICANT other.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Most leopards don't change their spots on a dime. What was it that originally attracted you to him? Were there signs of trouble beforehand? Any discussion of the future & money?

If you wish to stay married, you need to go back to the beginning and have some conversations you didn't have before. My favorites. Boundaries and notions of privacy. He may have held things back from you, or vice versa. If one of you is more private than the other, especially if the other is really open, the private person can hold a HUGE amount of control over the relationship, because the open person mistakenly makes the assumption the private person is being truthful about things, because that's what they would do. In reality, the private person may not even believe they're deceptive or lying.

A lot of stuff I just tossed on the table without any evidence of relevancy. Welcome to TAM!  

Overall, you're only three years in. Bailing out of something now is a whole lot less costly than having to do it later. Just make sure you haven't lost money you can't get back... but at the same time, do NOT stay just because you've got money tied up. It will only get worse.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You married a child. The question isn't what to do but whether you're willing to do what needs to be done, which is kick his arse out so he can find someone else to use. He's using you because you allow him to use you. As long as he is there and you're the one paying the bills and financing his business venture, he's not going to take any responsibility.

A couple side notes:
One is that you can't as a person why they do what they do. Anyone would be offended by that. What you have to do is tell him what you expect. Tell him what you need him to do. He's not going to, but at least approached the problem from a different angle without offending him.

Secondly, I wouldn't be married to someone who works away from home for stretches of weeks or months. You have no idea what he's doing or who he is doing it with. Yes I know that people who want to cheat find a way right from home, but you're telling us about how lonely you are. Don't think he isn't lonely as well. And being away creates the perfect opportunity. And really, it actually sounds like he could have a whole nother wife and family somewhere. You would never know. It certainly could explain where his money goes - a woman/family to take care of in one city, and a wife who takes care of them in another city.


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

TJW said:


> Cut off any and all financial help you give him. Tell him he is a MAN with responsibility to pay his own way, now, and FOREVER.
> No fight.....no lines in sand. Just THE WAY IT IS, from now on.
> Take any money now in joint accounts and put it all in your own.
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I know exactly what it’s like to feel alone in your marriage. You can’t save it by yourself. If you want to try, open up about all the resentment and how you are heading toward the door if things don’t change. Suggest going to marriage counseling. Maybe suggest the job travel stop, or scale back. See how he receives all of this. If he’s willing to make the effort, give it a chance and see what comes of it. If he dismisses you, then start making your exit plan.


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Most leopards don't change their spots on a dime. What was it that originally attracted you to him? Were there signs of trouble beforehand? Any discussion of the future & money?
> 
> If you wish to stay married, you need to go back to the beginning and have some conversations you didn't have before. My favorites. Boundaries and notions of privacy. He may have held things back from you, or vice versa. If one of you is more private than the other, especially if the other is really open, the private person can hold a HUGE amount of control over the relationship, because the open person mistakenly makes the assumption the private person is being truthful about things, because that's what they would do. In reality, the private person may not even believe they're deceptive or lying.
> 
> ...


It is the usual story, he showed a different face than when we married. If I had a dime for every time he said he would pay me back and support me as well I'd be rich! Quickly into the marriage I saw he never kept his promises. I do not expect a lot, I am educated and have a career, work hard and do not mind doing so. But I feel I do everything and we cannot talk about it. We come from different cultures, he is always saying he is a man, I tell him then prove it! He is always taking badly of others and saying things like they're not man, you have yourself a real man. I tell him if you were a real man you wouldn't expect your wife to pay your bills. He gets angry but I feel this is true. He has no problem giving his mother money and doesn't feel she should have to work (she rarely has over her lifetime, maybe a year of her life she has worked outside the home). I asked him why he will do for his mom and family but not me, he says because I'm her son. I tell him she has a husband and he says yeah and she has a son. So he cannot understand my point, he's my husband, he should help me and support me as well if I need it. He made me think before marriage he would stand on his own two feet and be a man, I never questioned this. Boy was I wrong! He works his ass off but will not help at all.


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> I know exactly what it’s like to feel alone in your marriage. You can’t save it by yourself. If you want to try, open up about all the resentment and how you are heading toward the door if things don’t change. Suggest going to marriage counseling. Maybe suggest the job travel stop, or scale back. See how he receives all of this. If he’s willing to make the effort, give it a chance and see what comes of it. If he dismisses you, then start making your exit plan.


Unfortunately I have tried approaching things this way with him, he gets angry and it hasn't worked.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay. I'll weigh in with my two cents on the matter. Your marriage is toast. Kaput. Done. Finished. You are married to a man who puts his mother ahead of you. Always has, always will. You are full of anger, resentment, and just downright miserable. There is nothing to salvage here.

Cut your losses. But from what you have said, losing him won't be a great loss for you, unless you look at it from a purely financial standpoint.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Regular girl said:


> Unfortunately I have tried approaching things this way with him, he gets angry and it hasn't worked.


Well then, time to make that plan. 


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s very unlikely to change. You’ll have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who considers you little more than an ATM that enables him to funnel money to his mom.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He’s very unlikely to change. You’ll have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who considers you little more than an ATM that enables him to funnel money to his mom.


If it's a cultural thing she's up against, change is almost impossible. His notions of "manhood" may be fixed, socially, in the sense that no matter what his capabilities are, he is not to be questioned, he is not to vary from his programming.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Time to separate your money, and if it already is separate, to not give him any of yours when he asks. Deposit 1/2 of expenses into the joint account, and that is all. This may cause him to get angry and to reject you more, but really, can it be worse than it already is? At least cut your financial losses, because when you divorce, he is not going to be paying you alimony, you will be paying him. Move your money into something he can't touch, or see. Take it out, and put it in a safety deposit box in the bank, because when you divorce, he is going to want 1/2 of all you still have and he won't pay you what he owes.

You could also draw up legal papers listing what he owes you, and then watch him yell about that.

He has shown you his true colors. Don't ignore what you already know, but protect yourself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Adelais said:


> Time to separate your money, and if it already is separate, to not give him any of yours when he asks. Deposit 1/2 of expenses into the joint account, and that is all. This may cause him to get angry and to reject you more, but really, can it be worse than it already is? At least cut your financial losses, because when you divorce,* he is not going to be paying you alimony, you will be paying him*. Move your money into something he can't touch, or see. Take it out, and put it in a safety deposit box in the bank, because when you divorce, he is going to want 1/2 of all you still have and he won't pay you what he owes.
> 
> You could also draw up legal papers listing what he owes you, and then watch him yell about that.
> 
> He has shown you his true colors. Don't ignore what you already know, but protect yourself.


Bolded part is the best reason to move quickly; the requirement to pay alimony, and how much, is typically based upon the length of the marriage.


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> If it's a cultural thing she's up against, change is almost impossible. His notions of "manhood" may be fixed, socially, in the sense that no matter what his capabilities are, he is not to be questioned, he is not to vary from his programming.


 Exactly and that has become a major problem for me. He talks about men such as my brother-in-law who financially supports his family and my sister and says that he is not a man my question to him is how so? when he doesn't go to his wife to ask her for money but you have no problem coming to me asking me for money.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You came here posting the question, "What to do?" You've tried. He's not going to budge. You cannot change him. So, now that you've gotten responses to your original question, what do you think is the best course of action?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Regular girl said:


> It is the usual story, he showed a different face than when we married. If I had a dime for every time he said he would pay me back and support me as well I'd be rich! Quickly into the marriage I saw he never kept his promises. I do not expect a lot, I am educated and have a career, work hard and do not mind doing so. But I feel I do everything and we cannot talk about it. We come from different cultures, he is always saying he is a man, I tell him then prove it! He is always taking badly of others and saying things like they're not man, you have yourself a real man. I tell him if you were a real man you wouldn't expect your wife to pay your bills. He gets angry but I feel this is true. He has no problem giving his mother money and doesn't feel she should have to work (she rarely has over her lifetime, maybe a year of her life she has worked outside the home). I asked him why he will do for his mom and family but not me, he says because I'm her son. I tell him she has a husband and he says yeah and she has a son. So he cannot understand my point, he's my husband, he should help me and support me as well if I need it. He made me think before marriage he would stand on his own two feet and be a man, I never questioned this. Boy was I wrong! He works his ass off but will not help at all.


Your philosophies and beliefs are not his as long as he has you for a sugar mama. You talk a lot about what you believe, but why aren't you doing it anything about it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I seriously do not see her having to pay alimony after only three years of marriage. It wasn’t even on the table when I ended my marriage of four years. 


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I seriously do not see her having to pay alimony after only three years of marriage. It wasn’t even on the table when I ended my marriage of four years.


You might have hit on your own conclusion when you said "It wasn't even on the table."

Like any lawsuit, a person can ask for almost anything they want in divorce proceedings. If he asks, his lawyer will put it on the table. It might even be his attorney's suggestion, a good attorney that is. If it's out of the question, then her attorney can try to bargain it away. If they can't reach agreement, the judge will decide. It also depends on the area they live in.


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You came here posting the question, "What to do?" You've tried. He's not going to budge. You cannot change him. So, now that you've gotten responses to your original question, what do you think is the best course of action?


Separate from him and move on with my life. I'm not living, just going through the motions. After this post, spoke to him last and it as always ended in a fight. Out lease is up in January, I think it's time to make a clean exit. He will never change or grow up and I am an idiot to think otherwise 😐


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you have goal make a plan.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Get ready for him to plead, make promises and love bomb you. Or he may be angry, try to blame you, and try to make you feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. He doesn't want his gravy train to stop. When you follow through with it, he will villify you to everyone as well, so when you feel like giving in, tell yourself what you said in your last post. I bolded it for you.


Regular girl said:


> Separate from him and move on with my life. I'm not living, just going through the motions. After this post, spoke to him last and it as always ended in a fight. Out lease is up in January, I think it's time to make a clean exit.* He will never change or grow up and I am an idiot to think otherwise 😐*


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

Adelais said:


> Get ready for him to plead, make promises and love bomb you. Or he may be angry, try to blame you, and try to make you feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. He doesn't want his gravy train to stop. When you follow through with it, he will villify you to everyone as well, so when you feel like giving in, tell yourself what you said in your last post. I bolded it for you.


yes


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## Regular girl (Nov 7, 2020)

I've already prepared myself for that. I could care less as the only people that will believe him are his crazy family, screw them. My family cannot stand his narcissistic ass, they told me long ago any man that acts like his mother's husband is sick and will never be the man you need him to be. I'm leaving, he knows this and that's it. He can say and do whatever, it won't matter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you!


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