# Is this acceptable behavior?



## Sunny shines (Mar 3, 2021)

I am writing my story here because I have no close friends to share with and I would like to get outside perspective on this. My real question is in the 2nd paragraph. A little background here - I have been married for more than 5 years. For most of these years, I have experienced emotional neglect by my spouse. He does not want to hear if something bad happens with me and I need somebody for support. He does not want to hear if something good happens with me and I want to share. He does not want me to talk when he is eating, relaxing, working, taking a break from work, driving, or getting ready for sleep. If he does grant me a few minutes to speak, he remains glued to his phone screen throughout and when I am finished speaking, says “ok” without looking up. This includes the times when I have something important and meaningful to share. He finds a way to punch holes in my happy cloud if I have something happy to share. I am a small artist of sorts and if I want to show him my creations, he has no interest or time for it. If I want us to spend time together, it feels like I have to ask him for an appointment and it always has to be an activity of his choice. And even if we have set this time for us to spend together, he doesn’t want to talk with me meaningfully, or let me show him my creations. His expressions change sharply. Condescension and devaluing my interests or thoughts is common.

Anyway, recently, he complained about me giving him his breakfast late. So, the next day, I gave him his breakfast early. To this he commented sarcastically about how I normally give him breakfast at 2 pm..which is way overexaggerated. I tried to explain to him why it gets late sometimes, to which he continued to comment sarcastically, briefly, and then ignored me completely, all the while glued to his computer screen. Now, looking back, there was no need for me to explain anything, because he is a grown man and can get his own breakfast when he wants it. But at that time, I was feeling really bad, like I had failed him, and was desperately trying to explain. Its common for him to condescend or say something sarcastic, belittling and to ignore me or dismiss my concerns. I am tired of it. This time, I got indignant, and swiveled his chair around to make him look at me. This action put him in a rage and he got up from the chair with a menacing look, grew tall, expanded his chest and advanced towards me with angry words. I was in shock. We were physically very close and the 2nd step he took towards me (still with menacing look) sent me crashing onto chairs and boxes behind me. I got up and left for the sake of my safety. But it has been a few days since then and he has not apologized and has not shown any sign of remorse. I am talking with him only when necessary and keeping it as short as possible. He on the other hand acts as if everything is normal, nothing ever happened.

Frankly, I don’t know what to do. I personally think it is unacceptable to threaten your spouse with show of superior physical strength for any reason. I can never knowingly or unknowingly bring myself to slap anyone, and if somebody fell crashing onto chairs and boxes because of me, I would instantly apologize and help them get up and try to make sure they were ok. But my spouse is acting as if everything is normal.

Any advice and thoughts would be welcome.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Well doesn’t he sound like a peach? 😏
No, what he did is not acceptable...
Have you said something to him?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I didn’t make it past halfway before stopping wondering why you’re with this guy?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It starts small and then escalates. This is only the first escalation.
GET A DIVORCE NOW !!!


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

This sounds toxic. Has it always been this way? 

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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

And to answer your question. No. It's not acceptable behavior. 

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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

Sunny shines said:


> I am writing my story here because I have no close friends to share with and I would like to get outside perspective on this. My real question is in the 2nd paragraph. A little background here - I have been married for more than 5 years. For most of these years, I have experienced emotional neglect by my spouse. He does not want to hear if something bad happens with me and I need somebody for support. He does not want to hear if something good happens with me and I want to share. He does not want me to talk when he is eating, relaxing, working, taking a break from work, driving, or getting ready for sleep. If he does grant me a few minutes to speak, he remains glued to his phone screen throughout and when I am finished speaking, says “ok” without looking up. This includes the times when I have something important and meaningful to share. He finds a way to punch holes in my happy cloud if I have something happy to share. I am a small artist of sorts and if I want to show him my creations, he has no interest or time for it. If I want us to spend time together, it feels like I have to ask him for an appointment and it always has to be an activity of his choice. And even if we have set this time for us to spend together, he doesn’t want to talk with me meaningfully, or let me show him my creations. His expressions change sharply. Condescension and devaluing my interests or thoughts is common.
> 
> Anyway, recently, he complained about me giving him his breakfast late. So, the next day, I gave him his breakfast early. To this he commented sarcastically about how I normally give him breakfast at 2 pm..which is way overexaggerated. I tried to explain to him why it gets late sometimes, to which he continued to comment sarcastically, briefly, and then ignored me completely, all the while glued to his computer screen. Now, looking back, there was no need for me to explain anything, because he is a grown man and can get his own breakfast when he wants it. But at that time, I was feeling really bad, like I had failed him, and was desperately trying to explain. Its common for him to condescend or say something sarcastic, belittling and to ignore me or dismiss my concerns. I am tired of it. This time, I got indignant, and swiveled his chair around to make him look at me. This action put him in a rage and he got up from the chair with a menacing look, grew tall, expanded his chest and advanced towards me with angry words. I was in shock. We were physically very close and the 2nd step he took towards me (still with menacing look) sent me crashing onto chairs and boxes behind me. I got up and left for the sake of my safety. But it has been a few days since then and he has not apologized and has not shown any sign of remorse. I am talking with him only when necessary and keeping it as short as possible. He on the other hand acts as if everything is normal, nothing ever happened.
> 
> ...


No, you are right, this is not how life is meant to be. I went through nearly the exact same scenario with my 10 year relationship. It got progressively worse, total rageaholic as well. Several months after the initial threatening event, the next time he lunged at me from across the room, face red, veins bulging, then pushed me down hard on the couch. I began packing quietly and storing things in boxes. I kept them accessible for a fast exit. Sure enough within a few weeks he blew up again. I grabbed my cat, filled my car ASAP, left the key on the counter and walked out. I had a place all ready, I just knew it was a matter of time. You must keep yourself safe by making an exit plan. You might want to speak with a divorce lawyer as well.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

His behavior is abusive, he treats you like crap and counts on your low self esteem to keep you dependent on him. Someone in his life taught him this is how men behave, it is not. You should begin working on a plan to get out, meet with a lawyer, get some finances together. If he has allowed you to have a job open and bank account and start having some of your pay go into that. Talk to family and friends about this so they know in the event something happens to you you they know it was him.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I don't think that this is something that can be fixed by staying with him. He's abusive. He's not going to get better on his own, and if you push him he's going to get more aggressive.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you don't know what to do ... WHY????

Your so-called husband takes no interest in you.

He threatens you if you attempt to stand up to him. He doesn't apologize for that sort of behavior.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are with this jerk. Because from where I'm sitting, (1) he isn't invested in you or the marriage, and, (2) you have no self-esteem or self-respect.

LEAVE. Before it gets worse. And it WILL get worse. Seriously.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

No kids? Get out...life is too short...

Kids? Still get out. This guys sounds like a monster.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Your “husband “ is very self centred. He neither loves you nor respects you.
You are showing him how to treat you by tolerating his abuse, and believe me it is abuse and will only escalate.
Standing up to him will only make him more aggressive and angry, so I would suggest not doing that.

Thankfully you have no children together.
Speak to someone at your local women’s shelter who understand abusive men and the situation you are living in. These counsellors are well educated in how to deal with men like your husband and will give you good advice and help you make a safe exit plan.
Be aware that leaving the marriage is the most dangerous time when dealing with angry and aggressive men. Seek help from the shelter as to how to do this safely.

Good reading on this subject that may help put things into perspective is “ Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It has gotten to the point where you are a nuisance to him.

Now, is the time to end his nonsense. 

Leave, divorce, him/you, done.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sunny shines said:


> I am writing my story here because I have no close friends to share with and I would like to get outside perspective on this. My real question is in the 2nd paragraph. A little background here - I have been married for more than 5 years. For most of these years, I have experienced emotional neglect by my spouse. He does not want to hear if something bad happens with me and I need somebody for support. He does not want to hear if something good happens with me and I want to share. He does not want me to talk when he is eating, relaxing, working, taking a break from work, driving, or getting ready for sleep. If he does grant me a few minutes to speak, he remains glued to his phone screen throughout and when I am finished speaking, says “ok” without looking up. This includes the times when I have something important and meaningful to share. He finds a way to punch holes in my happy cloud if I have something happy to share. I am a small artist of sorts and if I want to show him my creations, he has no interest or time for it. If I want us to spend time together, it feels like I have to ask him for an appointment and it always has to be an activity of his choice. And even if we have set this time for us to spend together, he doesn’t want to talk with me meaningfully, or let me show him my creations. His expressions change sharply. Condescension and devaluing my interests or thoughts is common.
> 
> Anyway, recently, he complained about me giving him his breakfast late. So, the next day, I gave him his breakfast early. To this he commented sarcastically about how I normally give him breakfast at 2 pm..which is way overexaggerated. I tried to explain to him why it gets late sometimes, to which he continued to comment sarcastically, briefly, and then ignored me completely, all the while glued to his computer screen. Now, looking back, there was no need for me to explain anything, because he is a grown man and can get his own breakfast when he wants it. But at that time, I was feeling really bad, like I had failed him, and was desperately trying to explain. Its common for him to condescend or say something sarcastic, belittling and to ignore me or dismiss my concerns. I am tired of it. This time, I got indignant, and swiveled his chair around to make him look at me. This action put him in a rage and he got up from the chair with a menacing look, grew tall, expanded his chest and advanced towards me with angry words. I was in shock. We were physically very close and the 2nd step he took towards me (still with menacing look) sent me crashing onto chairs and boxes behind me. I got up and left for the sake of my safety. But it has been a few days since then and he has not apologized and has not shown any sign of remorse. I am talking with him only when necessary and keeping it as short as possible. He on the other hand acts as if everything is normal, nothing ever happened.
> 
> ...


Then they wonder why we go seeking external validation....

I have a similar situation, where my husband is hypercritical, but never wants to hear anything bad, especially regarding his family. But...he can complain and criticize all he wants. He'll listen to the good stuff, but we mostly talk about his work, sometimes my work, and all of the things my brother in law, brother, father and sometimes my sister "do". We have argued a lot about it. But your husband sounds a lot more neglectful, I would agree with you there. 

Would he be wiling to try MC? I highly doubt he would, but you can't go on like this. He's telling you to jump, and you keep asking 'how high'. I think boundaries need to be in place here. He's going to give you hell for it at first, but I think you can do it. 

But if it continues, I don't know if you can work with someone who is not willing to meet you halfway, or help the situation.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No it is not acceptable behaviour. If my husband behaved like this he'd be wearing his damn breakfast.

I wouldn't advise you to retaliate though, given that your husband is an abusive, violent bastard, and you will get badly hurt.

Leave him and get a divorce.


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## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Why are you in this marriage? From your post it sounds like you need to get into therapy to work on your issues. I'm currently working on divorcing my STBXH of almost 6 years (Emotional Abuse, Infidelity, GASLIGHTING, Physical Abuse, I finally got it into my head that I DESERVE BETTER) . Learn about emotional abuse as you're already experiencing emotional and physical abuse. Things will continue to escalate unless you both address it. Do not stand for the abuse, understand this, you deserve better. He needs to understand that he needs to be better or he can be gone.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

He is a jerk and it sounds like there isn't much to work with. I agree with the advice you've gotten so far.

You should not have swivelled his chair though, that was making a disagreement physical. I don't condone his reaction, but don't start it.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You don't know what to do? 

Run. Like hell, as fast as you can.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Fight back...

Next time he complains about his breakfast dump it on his damn head and tell him to get his Mommy to make it better for him. He's too old to be a toddler and it's no longer cute.

He might be more of a coward than he projects good chance he will crumble when confronted.

He does not love, respect or appreciate you, no one deserves to be treated like this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> You should not have swivelled his chair though, that was making a disagreement physical. I don't condone his reaction, but don't start it.


I agree. Imagine if the OP were a man who swung his wife's chair around to "make her listen".


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would suggest OP that you STOP doing things for him -- especially if he complains. He complains about your not getting him breakfast on time? Simply tell him since he isn't happy, he can make his own breakfast since you don't do it correctly. Turn this stuff BACK on him.
When HE wants to rant or tell you about something happy, look at YOUR phone and ignore him.
WHILE you are doing this, get to a lawyer ASAP and look into getting away from this guy. There really seems to be NO redeeming qualities here in your marriage.
You are supposed to be equal partners, and show interest in what each of you do -- that is what people who love each other do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Eff this. He’s no husband or partner to you, even without the ragey blowup. You don’t have to stay and tolerate this. Make a plan and leave his ignorant ass. 


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