# No one to talk to



## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm new to this site, I decided to join because I need advice and don't know where to turn. 

I'm a 28 yr old female who have been married 9 years. Me and my husband have five children. The youngest being 3 weeks old. Last week I saw that my husband had a new friend on his social media account. I asked who was she. He told me a lady who he met at his clinical site for college. That he added a few people for networking purposes. The next day she had sent a message saying that "she's waiting". I asked him about this. I then found a message where he told her to text him directly. He had his phone locked and says that they just had casual conversation, yet he deleted the messages. I messaged the woman and she said she has a bf and that her and my husband are just friends. At this point he confirmed that his intentions were not good. I deleted her from his account. 

He says the reason he was pursuing another woman is because when I was 21 I cheated on him. And that he feels it's not fair to him, and that he wanted to get it out of his system. 
I explained to him that I think its ridiculous that he tries to justify his actions by guilt tripping me into something that happened 7 years ago. I have apologized so many times, and we have both matured from 7 yrs ago.

Last night he added the girl back to his account, but messaged her and said that he can't communicate with her by text anymore because it was not respectful to his wife.

My dilemma is that first off I'm extremely hurt. I feel betrayed. I have been home with 5 kids, one a newborn while he has made time to talk to another woman. Second he has vowed to never hurt me again. But I'm scared that we will be going through this again a year down the road. I also don't feel 100% sure that he has been completely honest on what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I forgot to mention that he had saved her number under weird names to hide it from me, and lied to my face multiple times about even having texted her.


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## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm new to this site aswell... I think that you should sit down with your husband and explain to him how what he is doing is hurting you and tell him how doing this to just get back at you won't make him feel any better about him self!! If anything it will probably make him feel worst... The best thing u can do is just be honest... have u tried MC??


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Thank you for responding. No, we have not had any MC. Literally up until a week ago I thought our marriage was strong. We talked and he has promised to become a better husband, and to never hurt me again. The problem now is me getting over the pain, and learning to trust him. It bothers me that I just don't know that's he was completely honest on how far his conversation or actions went with this other woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here,especilly because of kids.
You need to tell your husband that two wrongs will never work.

You did work on your marriage after yor affair,which happend 7 years ago,but tell him you are hurting now,not only you even your kids.

Talk to him and let him see your pain,if that does not work then try with some MC.
Also you can talk with your or his family for some advice.

Stay strong

Grettings from EU


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM. 

You have a lot of people to talk to now. We are here for you.

I feel you would both potentially benefit greatly from couple's counselling.

I think you and he should look for a good local counsellor to book your first session.

Good luck and God bless to you and your family. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Thank you both. Marriage counseling should probably be our next step. I don't want to lose my marriage not only because of our kids, but because I do love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Struggling mum (Jul 26, 2015)

Yes definitely try mc.. People just give up to easily these days!! It's way to easy to get a divorce these days!! Give it all you got!! Don't give up!! Fight for what u want!


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Thank you! I will definitely fight for it. But it also has to be a two person fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am also coming from big family and my parents got divorced. I find out my mom is cheating on dad and I told him,but now I feel so hurt and I always think it is my fault.

My sisters and brothers are ok I think,but me it is another story.

I will try to help you,maybe some nice words can give you some wisdom or strenght but you should know that you and your husband are the only ones who should try and work this out with our help or some MC.

Always talk to him and tell him he needs to do the same. Respect each other.

Question I got for you is how long does he know this woman,maybe you can work something with her boyfriend if is he around ?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

What were the circumstances of your affair, how was it discovered and how was it resolved? Affairs cause men to doubt the character and integrity of their partner. Trust is completely destroyed, but also respect and admiration. Your DH told you his revenge affair was his leveling of the playing field. @MattMatt can talk about that road to perdition. You need to consider why people feel the need to revenge. Most people will consider revenge when a transgression has not been addressed and healed. In MC, you need to begin with your DH's statement about getting 'even', because there is no such thing.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Struggling mum said:


> I'm new to this site aswell... I think that you should sit down with your husband and explain to him how what he is doing is hurting you and tell him how doing this to just get back at you won't make him feel any better about him self!! If anything it will probably make him feel worst... The best thing u can do is just be honest... have u tried MC??


I hate to tell you this but it might make him feel better about himself. When a man is cheated on, his first thought is often, "what am I lacking that caused her to seek another man". When he feels like that a Rx is often proving he's attractive to other women. Having her staying in the marriage will not always work restoring him because he has less than he started with. (and there a little bit about evening the score involved especially if he a little passive-aggressive)


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

We got married young. I was 19, he was 21. We had two kids in 3 years. By our second child I had postpartum depression. I felt I was not being paid attention to. He played video games, etc. I used to hang out after work with friends, where I used to drink too much. I basically had checked out from reality. I used to cry to him and plead for attention. It never happened. I stepped outside my marriage twice with the same guy in a few week timespan. I told my husband straight out, I didn't lie or hide it from him. I ended it and have not cheated since. After he knew I cheated he attempted to start a friendship with a co worker to hook up with her, but didn't go through with it. A year or so after my mistake I repeatedly told him that if it was something that he just felt he needed to do then do it, but he said could never go through with it. Fast forward to present day I don't understand why this is such an issue 7 years later. Why wait until now ? I feel that we have matured so much from when we first got married and have been through so much that I just don't get it. Up until a week ago I thought we were both happily married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

He has known her a little under 2 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

you cheated on him 7 years ago. while you were married? how long was that affair? are all your children his biologically?

and from what is see your a nurse. whats your husbands career?

i feel so sorry for you. im a nurse to and its hard to think about all this stuff and go on duty. are you still on maternity leave?

*there are a lot of articles about this Phenomenon husbands going astray when wife is at the end of pregnancy or after pregnancy. this is very common as some statistics would point out*. just like the postpartum-blues thing.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I will say that Im a nurse who's job is extremely stressful, and mentally taxing. It has changed me. Between work and trying to maintain our household/kids he expressed that I don't cater to him as much as he'd like. Last night I told him that I will work on it because I want him to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

All of my children are his. I am currently on maternity leave. He does not work, he is in school and will be done with his occupational therapist license in one week. We were married probably a year and a half when I cheated. I have told him repeatedly these last 7 Years that this was the biggest mistake of my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So your affair was rug swept? No consequences? Were you exposed? Did you have to change jobs? Do you still work with him, have contact with him?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesn't want to hurt you but he puts her back on Facebook? Very funny.

Find out who her boyfriend is and tell him what's going on.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

nursewife said:


> I will say that Im a nurse who's job is extremely stressful, and mentally taxing. It has changed me. Between work and trying to maintain our household/kids he expressed that I don't cater to him as much as he'd like. *Last night I told him that I will work on it because I want him to be happy.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


nice he'll most likely get over it soon the lack of attention. but damn his greedy >.

he has 5 children. that's a lot for him to think about. reality will sink in like a giant hammer to his face. 5 kids dad! think about it!


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I was not exposed, I felt so bad after I just confessed to my husband the same day. It was 7 years ago. I have not seen this person in 7 years. The consequence that I have had to live with it everyday. I have tried to be a better wife. I have not looked at another man since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

He added her back to Facebook without considering my feelings. I told him that it bothered me yet their still fb friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sounds like either he has anger issues with what happen 7 years ago that has never been addressed or he is using what you did as an excuse to have an affair.....either way the others are right MC and fast.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I feel that he's using it as an excuse to have an affair. He's now saying that I have nothing to worry about and that after seeing how much this affected me that he wants to be dedicated to our marriage. We will try to work this out. MC is a must at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I felt I was not being paid attention to. He played video games, etc. I used to hang out after work with friends, where I used to drink too much. I basically had checked out from reality. I used to cry to him and plead for attention. It never happened. I stepped outside my marriage twice with the same guy in a few week timespan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believe me NW, you ain't the only woman to have this reaction when the husband downscales his wife on his list of priorities. I always advise men putting the wife below first place is at their own peril. That said, MC is probably your best bet to set things right. My opinion is he still wants jerk your chain over your past indiscretions.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nursewife

Welcome to TAM yet I'm sorry you are here. After reading your posts, I have some questions if you care to answer. 
1) what was done to heal the marriage after your affair? MC? Rug swept? 
2) you stated repeatedly you made a mistake. Rephrase this to you made a bad choice. 
3) what changes have you made about yourself? Did you go to IC? Do you know why you cheated?

Currently you need to arrange for MC, now, not tomorrow. From what I can tell from your posts your husband has not forgiven your affair. I doubt he has accepted your affair and being angry he has resentment. He has built walls around his heart with anger, resentment, possibly regret. These walls need to start coming down for healing to begin. Both of you need to be vulnerable with each other and pour your hearts out. At this time this can't be done. 

Your husbands wall prevent him from being hurt, this also stops the vulnerability. You have called your affair a mistake, when in fact you chose to have sex with another man. This tells me you have walls up, you are trying to protect yourself from what you now know was so terrible to do. You don't like what you have done and have a hard time picturing yourself as having done such a terrible deed. This is why there has to be consequences. 

I would also think that IC could help the both of you also. MC is for the marriage, the marriage is the client, not you or your husband. IC can help you both with self reflecting, something I think you both need. Both of you hurt each other, yet I don't think either of you understand how badly. Your husband was hurt badly with your affair, and then wants to have an affair or ONS of his own. You had an affair, but refer to it as a mistake, not once but twice. 

Basically what needs to happen is that your affair needs to be worked through, processed. Your husband needs to accept that your affair happened and then work on forgiveness. You need to show remorse and regret for your affair, you need to show your husband actions that you are committed to him and your marriage. Calling your affair a mistake shows your remorse is not deep enough. You may regret your affair but you need that coupled with remorse. Once your affair is worked through you can start on your husbands choices. 

I believe your husband to be in an EA at the very least. All contact with this OW needs to cease now. She cannot be a friend, she cannot be a co-worker. Your husband will not be able to help himself as long as he is contacting the OW. I also believe OW's boyfriend should know. Exposing affairs and shining a bright light on them usually ends them. 

My WW had a six month affair with her co-worker. I am currently in IC as is my WW. I understand the pain your husband has felt, the anger he has felt, the unfairness of infidelity. But infidelity does not come with justice, it's an injustice the BS has to accept and live with whether they reconcile or divorce. It was very difficult for me to accept that my WW gave away herself in such a manner. I'm sure your husband struggles with this also. I value intimacy very highly, my WW was my first, I don't believe in giving yourself away for simple joy. Intimacy is so much more then that, it's giving yourself totally to your partner, it's the most beautiful expression of love between two people. My WW lost sight of that or never viewed it the same as I. Unfortunately I found this out after sixteen years of marriage. I am in pain, I'm destroyed, devastated, and forever changed. I'm also in reconciliation.

Reconciliation is very difficult, you both need to be committed fully. My WW is remorseful, regretful, and shows me actions every day of her commitment. Her remorse runs deep, she feels my pain, she has been at my side when I've needed her. My WW is ashamed that she helped to destroy a second marriage. My WW cries every single day over what she did, she also thanks me each day for giving her a second chance. My WW understands how precious a gift reconciliation is, and that this gift is only offered once. 

I hope and pray you and your husband can save your marriage. I hope and pray your children have two parents who can co-parent even if you divorce. The work you both face is difficult, overwhelming, and stressful, but you can make it if you both want it. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he was hiding her contacts and deleting texts, there's most likely more than you know. Probably much more. And he hasn't stopped. He's not even trying to hide that he is still in contact.

Remember that they always say they are just friends. The affair partner usually backs this up, thus what she said to you.

I agree with a previous poster that you should expose this to her bf. I don't think MC is worth much if he is actively cheating, which is the case.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

nursewife said:


> I was not exposed, I felt so bad after I just confessed to my husband the same day. It was 7 years ago. I have not seen this person in 7 years. The consequence that I have had to live with it everyday. I have tried to be a better wife. I have not looked at another man since.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the whole problem. It seems there were no real consequences. It's nice that you are sorry and feel remorse, but nothing consequential happened to mollify his feelings. Did you go to MC after the affair?

You say you have to live with it everyday, which is true, and I'm sure terrible. The flipside is that he has to live with it every day as well-- Knowing that some other man got in your pants. He's obviously still angry/fixated on it. I know I'd probably still be as well, especially if it wasn't fully addressed via MC, exposure, etc... early on.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I am very remorseful for what I did to our marriage. The last 7 years I have tried to show my husband that I love him and I'm committed to our relationship. I guess there wasn't much consequence to what I did other than having to live with how I hurt my spouse. I know it hurt him deeply. I did not attend any counseling. I felt that I cheated because after repeatedly crying out for time and attention from my husband that I never received that I chose to get it from someone else.
He swears up and down that he has told me everything and that the conversation was only casual. I have a hard time believing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*At this juncture, I would have to say that your H is probably in the midst of an EA that has not quite gotten to PA status!

As is, the both of you vastly need to be in MC, greatly provided that his transgressions are not going to blossom into the PA arena!

Welcome to TAM, where there is a vast abundance of experience to help walk you through your marital problems, before they are allowed to get any worse!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your spouse is using your past affair as a get out jail free card. This is the second time for him. 

Generally if he would have a great deal of resentment it would manifest in other areas of your marriage too, your not having more children and building a longer future together.

He needs to cease all contact with the OW. NC is just that No contact and it should be a deal breaker for you. Whether the two of you ever dealt with your affair and healed each other will need to be addressed. But he needs to own his affairs now as those are on him.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am male nurse too,so I know how hard is it for you.

So he only knows her for about 2 months,probably affair didnt happend yet but you need to tell him that NC is the first thing he needs to do if he wants to work on your marriage.

It is a great thing you told him about your affair and that you work hard to become a better wife and mother,really nice to hear that,but on the other two wrongs is never a good thing.Tell him that,good marriage is when both man and wife work hard on it.

Try to use some alone time with him,send your kids to nice vacation to grandparents and then sit down with him and talk.

He needs to understand that what is he doing is really bad for kids and especially you.You are best friends,man and wife,you have kids together,so work together and become stronger.
Also talk to him about some MC it will help you a lot,but both of you need to be at the same page,both of you need to have same goals.

Take care


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I will make the Facebook issue a deal breaker. I do feel he hung it over my head. But realize that clearly this is something that we'll have to work on that he's struggling with.

Thank you for all your comments. I really appreciate it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I will make the Facebook issue a deal breaker. I do feel he hung it over my head. But realize that clearly this is something that we'll have to work on that he's struggling with.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments. I really appreciate it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




It is clear that your husband has held your affair over your head. I can only tell you it is so difficult not too. This is not an excuse for your husband, nor should it be you for his contact with the OW. It takes strong communication skills to reconcile. You are correct in that your first communication is your husband remove this OW from his life completely. Only then can you effectively begin to repair your marriage. Unfortunately I think your husband still needs to work on your affair. There are obvious issues that he has not worked out yet. Just because you cheated on him does not entitle your husband to cheat on you. His blatant disrespect for you in friending this OW is appalling. 

Your husband will get no justice from your affair, having OW on his social media is undermining the marriage. His marriage will fail if he continues to proceed in this fashion. In fact if he does proceed and has intimacy with this OW I believe this marriage is then done. Nursewife, I know you are remorseful, I know you regret that choice, but to add BS and WS to the both of you, I see no chance. Nursewife, do you believe your husband can reconcile after he cheats? Can he handle the pain if being a BS and WS? Can you? If he cheats, or if he has already, this marriage won't survive no matter how hard you both work. Your husbands wall of resentment is very tall, built brick by brick for the last seven years fueled by anger. It won't come down easily and yours will probably start being built soon. 

Send OW a letter of no contact, schedule MC, then both of you work your tails off to correct your marriage. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

One RA is understandable, to a point. But two? In a good old British expression, that's like peeing in your pocket and pretending it is raining.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm new to site and don't know what RA, WS, and BS mean. I do feel that he hasn't phycially cheated yet, I do know that if he chooses to I don't think our marriage would be able to come back from it. 

He says that he feels being fb friends is not a big deal, and a way for him to show me that he can be trusted. Crazy reasoning I know. I have spoke to him about some of the points mentioned here and he did contact her and said 

I felt it was OK to be friends on fb

I should make my own decisions

Yesterday at 6:41pm

Her

Ya u right

Yesterday at 6:42pm*·*Sent from Messenger

Him

First thing I would like to say is that I'm sorry for putting you in this situation. Anything beyond fb friends is out of place and disrespectful towards my wife. My intentions may not have been the best and therefore It would be best that I cut off any other line of communication with you. No hard feelings I hope.

Yesterday at 11:49pm

Her

No nt at all I respect u n happy u doing that*u have a lovely family

I have a family to n I wouldn't want my men to be friends with any women outside of fb so I totally agree on everything

Today at 12:08am*·*Sent from Messenger

Him

I appreciate it, would have hated things to be akward

Today at 12:16am

Her

No never we cool trust me I was only trying be friends with u nt start anything on wat y'all gt goin on u a real cool person

Today at 12:17am*·*Sent from Messenger

Him

It was never your fault, it was mine, good to have met you though.

I'm still uncomfortable with them being fb friends. I still think this can be an issue. He's telling me that its not. If she understands and wouldn't want her bf doing this, why did she text and carry on with my spouse. It doesn't male sense to me. I feel that at this point he has no choice but to delete her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

One minute he's saying I can delete her, the next minute he's defensive saying that I'm trying to control him, and that I have nothing to worry about
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry! RA = Revenge Affair. WS = Wayward Spouse, OW =Other Woman, OM = Other Man.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

nursewife said:


> One minute he's saying I can delete her, the next minute he's defensive saying that I'm trying to control him, and that I have nothing to worry about
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When in doubt they throw out the control word, it's like a last line of defense. This isn't showing you trust him, it's showing he is trying to earn your trust back. 

He is in the wrong, not you. He has got the blame deflection game going putting it back on you.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

nothing up above really speaks about an affair more buisness oriented.

are you sure this is the Affair Partner (AP).
it could be someone else. and the talk above doesn't sound like an affair more like finding business, your wayward husband(WH) is an occupational therapist after all.

to note that he did say he was in an affair. then that would indicate he has an affair partner (AP) and i doubt this woman his talking to is her.

in the message She (AP) indicated that she would NOT want his husband talking to other women to. -does not sound like the ap to me.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm 100% sure that its the girl he was talking too. She is the one texting his phone. I know there's no one else at this point. I feel that he wrote that message to place boundaries there and end whatever relationship they had. Now it's just repairing our marriage and trying to trust him. He still has not removed her from his social media acct yet
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You and your husband rugswept your affair. You need to get marriage counselling as soon as possible. Your husband is still holding on to the memory of your betrayal. He needs to heal. If you don't address it now, he will find another woman, this time would be lethal to your marriage if she is unattached.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nursewife,

There is alot of what you wrote that I want to comment on but for now I'll just say this.

I found the title of your post compelling, because it not only describes the way you feel but also the way your husband has felt for 8 or so years. Possibly even more intensely since men have NO ONE to talk to when they have been betrayed, and keep everything inside of themselves for years or decades. 

For a man admitting he has been cheated on is like losing his manhood in public the most common thing said about a man that has been cheated on is that "he couldn't keep his wife happy". 

Women will support other women, but the "best" I've heard guys say to others guys is something like "well just go out and cheat on her". Horrible advice the equivalent of your wife wrecking one of the family cars so you go out and wreck the other one.

Tamat


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

So, it's ok for you to cheat and not for him?? Saying you're sorry about that isn't going to fix the problem, I actually think he's justified to get you back for what you did to him.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I never said what I did was okay. But he has attempted to talk to other women before. Just not the physical aspect. The first year or so following what I did I told him to do whatever he needed to help him get past it. The only thing I could do was show him that I was fully dedicated to repairing what I damaged. I don't understand why 7 yrs later this is happening. I feel that him wanting to engage in another relationship is more about him now and not the fact of what I did 7 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I am very remorseful for what I did to our marriage. The last 7 years I have tried to show my husband that I love him and I'm committed to our relationship. I guess there wasn't much consequence to what I did other than having to live with how I hurt my spouse. I know it hurt him deeply. I did not attend any counseling. I felt that I cheated because after repeatedly crying out for time and attention from my husband that I never received that I chose to get it from someone else.
> He swears up and down that he has told me everything and that the conversation was only casual. I have a hard time believing this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is actually called blame shifting. You cheated because you were a cheater. You responded to marital problems by letting a loser bang a wife and mother twice.

You own that. All of it. Your H has nothing to do with your previous, disgusting behavior.

You two needed to go through counseling back then. He has a lot that needs worked through and you have a lot of ugliness to face down and bury.

I would suggest working through your betrayal in counseling now. It was never dealt with.

I have seen two cases personally that are similar to yours where the husband ended up cheating or nearly, after the wife cheated and it was rug swept. Your affair was rug swept.

That being said. He will need to own his infidelity as well. He could have divorced you but he chose to reconcile even though you both didn't do the necessary work to heal the damage you caused.

He needs to own his choices as well. He also has no excuse to cheat.

Doesn't feel very good does it?

MC with that in mind. You two need to work through your betrayal because it was never dealt with. Then work towards his infidelity, at least an EA.

Then work your butts off to improve your marriage.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. How sure are you that he hasn't bedded her yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> That is actually called blame shifting. You cheated because you were a cheater. You responded to marital problems by letting a loser bang a wife and mother twice.
> 
> You own that. All of it. Your H has nothing to do with your previous, disgusting behavior.
> 
> ...


:iagree: You both never fully dealt with your infidelity. First things first DO NOT blame shift your affair - no matter how lousy he was - cheating is not a way to resolve marital difficulties. That being said only good counseling will get to the bottom of your husband's motivations. He could be using your affair as an excuse or he could be triggering and this is his way of dealing with it. i don't know - I'd say 50/50 either way but you both need counseling for BOTH issues.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I realize that I caused this, I also realize that what I did was wrong. My feelings towards my husband are real and valid at that point of our relationship, how I handled it is the problem. I'm pretty sure he hasn't bedded her yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I realize that I caused this, I also realize that what I did was wrong. My feelings towards my husband are real and valid at that point of our relationship, how I handled it is the problem. I'm pretty sure he hasn't bedded her yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he has could you forgive him?


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

If he has I would try
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nursewife,

A few questions about what you did to compensate your H. Some of what your wrote seems to indicate that you left the heavy lifting of recovery on your H and just told him you will help.

1)	was the OM exposed to his wife or girlfriend

2)	was the OM exposed to his workplace

3)	did any of your friends know about or support your affair, if so did you eliminate them from your life.

4)	Did your H confront the OM

5)	Did you offer to take a polygraph so that your has some confidence he has the whole truth.

6)	Did you suggest your H DNA test your children, I know you know they are his, but does H?

7)	Did you get STD tested.

8)	Were you honest to your H about details like were condoms used.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nursewife,

Since men tend to obsess about the sexual details of an affair, it explains why he thinks his EA is inconsequential in comparison to your PA. 

Tamat


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> If he has I would try
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting. So you are not sure if you would stay wityh him after infidelity like he stayed with you? 

I'm not trying to be difficult I'm just curious.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I completely agree about EA vs PA and can see how he might regard that as well.

1)	was the OM exposed to his wife or girlfriend
No, he was single.
2)	was the OM exposed to his workplace
No, I left my job there and never saw or spoke to him again.
3)	did any of your friends know about or support your affair, if so did you eliminate them from your life.
A co worker knew because we all used to hang out. I quit answering her calls and seperated my self from all aspects of that.
4)	Did your H confront the OM
No he did not.
5)	Did you offer to take a polygraph so that your has some confidence he has the whole truth.
No I did not
6)	Did you suggest your H DNA test your children, I know you know they are his, but does H?
It was a very short time frame. Years difference between having kids.
7)	Did you get STD tested.
Yes 
8)	Were you honest to your H about details like were condoms used.
I was very detailed and answered any questions that my husband had no matter how embarrassing it was for me. Or how hurtful it was for him. If he wanted to know, I shared it with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

nursewife,

The dynamics of R are changed substantially when both spouses have cheated. Had you not had a prior A, the advice to you would be more straightforward. But since you have cheated, I believe you need to use some small degree of empathy. After all, he did give you the gift of a second chance.

That's not to say that you should accept his continued attempts to hook up with women or not going no contact with this one. You shouldn't.

I would have a sit down conversation with him and reiterate your regret for your past affair, and your appreciation for him giving you another chance. Ask him if there's anything else you can do or should have done, to prove your remorse. Apologize if he tells you that you fell short. But; tell him that you don't want to live in marriage where your husband is continuously trolling for a revenge affair. That he either needs to forgive you and be faithful or think about whether he still wants to stay married. Tell him you can't accept his continuing contact with this woman, anymore than he could have accepted your continued contact with the former OM.

Urge him to go to MC with you and tell him that you are committed to make your marriage work if he will do the same.

Good luck to you.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I would try to get over infidelity, because he deserves as much of a second chance as he gave me and I know that. But I also know myself and know that it may ruin what ever relationship we have left because of my personality traits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@nursewife Just to make another point clear - just because your affair was 7 years ago does not mean the pain and resentment are not still there. Know this - the scars from your affair will be with your husband for the rest of his life. 

I give you credit for being honest and remoreful but the damage is done and can not be undone. Something else to think about.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I would try to get over infidelity, because he deserves as much of a second chance as he gave me and I know that. But I also know myself and know that it may ruin what ever relationship we have left because of my personality traits.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @nursewife Then you need to work on that because hypocrisy is an ugly thing. You need IC to get over those "personality traits".


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

As of this morning he did remove her from fb. He also has promised not to hold my previous affair over my head and use it to justify his continued looking for an EA. After this week he will no longer be at the facility where the OW is. But I know she is not the root of the issue. The root of the issue is my husband and myself. If he wants to have an affair it could happen anytime. He did express that now that I feel the pain that he has felt due to this situation that I have had some degree of consequences for my actions 7 yrs ago. He is also open to MC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> As of this morning he did remove her from fb. He also has promised not to hold my previous affair over my head and use it to justify his continued looking for an EA. After this week he will no longer be at the facility where the OW is. But I know she is not the root of the issue. The root of the issue is my husband and myself. If he wants to have an affair it could happen anytime. He did express that now that I feel the pain that he has felt due to this situation that I have had some degree of consequences for my actions 7 yrs ago. He is also open to MC
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my opinion what he did was not equal to your PA. Not even close.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I don't want to be a hypocrite. And I said that I will try to get over it. But until it happens I can't say for sure where we would end up. I tend to obsess over everything and replay things in my head to the point where is a bit ridiculous. I can own up to that. With that being said I think it would be difficult, but possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I don't want to be a hypocrite. And I said that I will try to get over it. But until it happens I can't say for sure where we would end up. I tend to obsess over everything and replay things in my head to the point where is a bit ridiculous. I can own up to that. With that being said I think it would be difficult, but possible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting...did you think about how you felt about affairs before you cheat? I'm just curious.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Im not saying what he did is equal. But my spouse realizes that I am hurt by his actions. He said that he realizes how much that I do indeed love him because this situation made me vulnerable. This is the most I have ever cried. I am normally a strong and resilient person but this has dropped me to my knees. This pain is horrible and I'm sure it was worse for him. I hate that I am the cause of him feeling this way yrs ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Im not saying what he did is equal. But my spouse realizes that I am hurt by his actions. He said that he realizes how much that I do indeed love him because this situation made me vulnerable. This is the most I have ever cried. I am normally a strong and resilient person but this has dropped me to my knees. This pain is horrible and I'm sure it was worse for him. I hate that I am the cause of him feeling this way yrs ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Speaking as someone who has been cheated on - take the pain you are feeling and add mind movies of your partner having sex with someone else. That is what you did to him.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I knew that having an affair was wrong. I also knew that they are painful. And due to my religious beliefs I judge myself on what I did to this day. I haven't forgiven myself. There are times when my husband mentioned the affair and I would just cry because I know how wrong it was. I was at a bad place in my life when I chose to do this. I'm not trying to excuse my actions, but do know it influenced my choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Even the thought of him with someone else causes a pit feeling in my stomach, so I can only imagine the pain I caused him. Its my biggest regret in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Even the thought of him with someone else causes a pit feeling in my stomach, so I can only imagine the pain I caused him. Its my biggest regret in life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be thankful he didn't go as far as you did. If he is using social media everyone has access to in order to hook up he's not very sneaky.

I think you both love each other but you need counseling. You have scarred him for life and that has to be dealt with. His EA as a response to the pain also has to be dealt with. It sounds like it was a revenge emotional affair.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

It moved from social media to texting in his phone. He saved her number under a different contact and was texting then deleting the messages. He lied to my face twice about what was going on. Then finally admitted to it. Throughout everything that I've done I've never once lied to him. I have tried to be transparent and so it hurt me that he could lie so easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> It moved from social media to texting in his phone. He saved her number under a different contact and was texting then deleting the messages. He lied to my face twice about what was going on. Then finally admitted to it. Throughout everything that I've done I've never once lied to him. I have tried to be transparent and so it hurt me that he could lie so easily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah this needs to be hashed out in MC. You have 5 kids and a big family to save. This is a textbook case of how destructive infidelity is to everyone involved. It is NEVER an answer to marital issues.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm also not 100% sure how much they interacted while he was at work. He says not much at all. Just in passing , but regardless I just want to move past it and repair our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I'm also not 100% sure how much they interacted while he was at work. He says not much at all. Just in passing , but regardless I just want to move past it and repair our relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did they sext or just chat a lot?


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

He says they discussed things in their life like his siblings. How he ended up moving to our state, ect. He says the conversations were casual and never got to that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

He did acknowledge that the conversation was flirtatious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

The problem I'm having is that he lied to me repeatedly about even talking to her that I don't know if hes being completely honest. I guess for healing purposes I have to trust him and just look forward to getting past this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> He did acknowledge that the conversation was flirtatious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So they were chats of a non sexual but flirtatious nature? How is this an EA exactly?


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Im not 100% sure of what happened honestly, I just want to move past it. For him to go to the lengths that he did to hide it from me I question it. He has also told me his intentions with the OW were not innocent so I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Im not 100% sure of what happened honestly, I just want to move past it. For him to go to the lengths that he did to hide it from me I question it. He has also told me his intentions with the OW were not innocent so I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahh ok...well I hope you can work this out in MC and be happier than ever!


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Thank you for your insight, it has helped me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Thank you for your insight, it had helped me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad I could help...cheating spouses have a difficult time comprehending the magnitude of what they have done. Most don't care you obviously do care. That is why I decided to post in this thread. You seem to really love your husband.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nursewife,

Why wasn't the OM exposed at the workplace, if he was a supervisor or in a position of responsibility he should have been the one to leave, with a black mark on his record. Was there a downside for the OM? Betrayed Hs can nurture a hatred and have revenge fantasies towards the OM for years, which can keep them triggered and unrecovered.

How does your H feel about your working in a hospital, in my experience the medical field is a socially intense environment which seems to breed cheating. Doctors have a sense of entitlement towards female coworkers as well. In my case OM-2 and OM-3 were both doctors. 

Tamat


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I was not a nurse when the affair occurred. I worked at a call center doing tech support . He was not in a supervisory role either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursewife

I understand you are remorseful and regretful of your affair. I understand it to be the biggest regret of your life. I think these words were stated by you to your husband after your affair. However after an affair the BS doesn't trust what the WS says. The best example I can give is this, think of Charlie browns teacher. When she speaks all you hear is blah blah blah. I can tell you that is all I heard when my WW (wayward wife) spoke to me. It's actions that you look for and not words. 

You stated recently that you are finally being vulnerable as your husband had his EA. Are you saying you weren't very vulnerable when you had your affair? If you weren't vulnerable then your husband is resenting you. You have not allowed him to heal, you have more then likely brought up the state of the marriage when talking. This would be taken by your husband as he is to blame. Your husband owns fifty percent of the blame to your marriage. You take fifty percent of the blame to your marriage and one hundred percent of the blame for your affair. Now your husband will also be taking one hundred percent of the blame for his EA. 

I blamed myself early on for my WW's affair for many reasons. My WW was my first, so obviously I can't please my WW. I thought I drove her away to have an affair. I thought I wasn't a man and that made her cheat. I could go on for days writing all the reasons. Perhaps I am not big enough and my WW was being pleased. I went into a shell, I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I was thoroughly humiliated. I walked with my head down, I avoided people, I left the house less, I was full of shame that I made my WW cheat. I hit rock bottom and knew if I died I would no longer feel this pain. It was the only thought I had that seemed to make sense, just die. 

I have placed a high value on intimacy, yet my wife gave it away to a male twenty five years her senior. Can you imagine how I would feel? I felt like I was nothing. The only person I have ever been with, the person I waited for, and she gives herself away because he said she's beautiful. I took this badly to say the least. Your husband I'm sure has felt some of these emotions. Has this been addressed and worked through? If not, then your husband has been fighting himself internally and his pain is enormous. I suggest making an emergency appointment with a MC who specializes in infidelity. 

Reconciliation is a long slow process that is difficult at best and that's with dealing with only one affair. Now that two affairs have occurred this process is even more difficult. Also your husband may have taken you wrongly by telling him to have an affair of his own. He is trying to deal with you having an affair and now you tell him to go have sex with someone else. This would have told me you don't value intimacy with your husband as you are sending him out to have sex. 

I'm sure as you go through MC you will begin to have empathy for your husband. I'm not saying you don't or haven't, but that it was lacking before. After you hear words of how your husband felt your remorse will become deeper. You have an understanding now but keep in mind when your husband closed his eyes he sees you with OM. I still only sleep about two to three hours a night. I had dreams of my WW and her OM, I had mind movies during the day. It was almost inescapable for me, and very damaging to my confidence and self esteem. 

Nursewife you have a chance to save your marriage. I believe from your posts that you are both in love with each other. You both can use this love to lean on as well as each other. But do your own work, leaning on each is to support each other when it gets rough. Help each other heal, use actions to show that you are both safe with each other. 

I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Hello again,how are you feeling today nursewife,how are your kids ?

I read all posts here and all of you is asking her why is it not ok with him to have affair!!!
Two wrongs will never repair the damage.

She came here for help,she admited here mistakes 7 years ago and she did try to be better wife and mother,and I belive here.

I agree with you that they need some MC asap,I even told her that,but they need to work together,not only because they have kids,but because of them two.

Husband needs to move on,he cant always put that affair on her neck every time they have a fight or something like that.
It will kill him and it will kill her (their marriage too),not to mention kids.

Let me give an example,if nursewife did something wrong,or make him mad today or tomorrow and then husband goes all back to the affair and put in under her nose it is not a good sign.

Your marriage needs to be based on trust and respect for each other,sure sex is important but not like those two.

She did tell her husband she is sorry for affair,she work hard and I think she did well.
Now after 7 years husband goes all the way back which is not a good thing,and he will go back even after 10-15 years if they dont work this out.

So talk to him,but also make sure he talks with you too.
Go for some time alone with your husband,but trust me on this,dont let him put all blame on yo for his actions and posiblly affair.

Sure you made mistake,but dont let him put in under you nose for his actions.
I am male too and I know how he feels,but he needs to know that two wrongs is never ok,especially in this case where wife works so hard,with 5 children.

Sorry for my English and my grammar mistakes it is not my native language.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I never said what I did was okay. But he has attempted to talk to other women before. Just not the physical aspect. The first year or so following what I did *I told him to do whatever he needed to help him get past it*. The only thing I could do was show him that I was fully dedicated to repairing what I damaged.* I don't understand why 7 yrs later this is happening*. I feel that him wanting to engage in another relationship is more about him now and not the fact of what I did 7 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


my wayward wife also tried to give me a hall pass after her affair, I just saw it as a way to relive her guilt and further rug sweep

I do not condone what your husband is doing.

As a betrayed spouse I can tell you that *I will never ever* be able to forget my wayward wife's affair(s).

We are in R (reconciliation) now for the last time, going on 3 years.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

We have discussed going to MC and he has agreed to go with me. He has deleted the OW from fb. We have talked and he has recognized that he has held affair over my head, and that the root cause of this is that he was looking for some excitement as he put it. We got married very young. I was 19, him 21. He feels that he missed out on the single life but says that I am a an amazing wife and wants to repair what we have for our family's sake. I know that we love each other. I also know that I am not perfect and have acknowledged his needs from me. My husband has not worked the last two years while he completes degree and feels that I took certain aspects of him being a man from him due to me being the primary breadwinner. He says that I am self sufficient and made him feel not needed at times. I have pledged to go to MC to sort out issues with affair. I have also pledged to work on letting him be head of household. I feel that there is alot of work to be done, but have confidence we can get past this. I have questioned whether he ended talking to the OW because he felt sorry for me, but know its out of love. I did tell him that if he truly wants to be single and live that lifestyle its best we deal with it now vs 5 years from now, but he says he is committed to making this work.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

convert said:


> my wayward wife also tried to give me a hall pass after her affair, I just saw it as a way to relive her guilt and further rug sweep
> 
> I do not condone what he is doing.
> 
> ...


And I completely understand that he'll never forget it. But after 7 years I thought we have both grown and matured to where it wouldn't be affecting our life to this extent.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @nursewife Just to make another point clear - just because your affair was 7 years ago does not mean the pain and resentment are not still there. *Know this - the scars from your affair will be with your husband for the rest of his life*.
> 
> I give you credit for being honest and remoreful but the damage is done and can not be undone. Something else to think about.


yes sir, Absolutely


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> And I completely understand that he'll never forget it. But after 7 years I thought we have both grown and matured to where it wouldn't be affecting our life to this extent.


 @nursewife There are some posters on TAM who have spouses who had affairs DECADES ago and are dealing with it to some extent still! Like I say i do not think you fully comprehend what you did. Your husband's mild EA gave you a brief glimpse and you said you were brought to your knees - think about that.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I realize that he'll never forget, but he will have to forgive in order for us to work. I can only do so much to prove how sorry I am as well as how devoted I am to him. These last 7 years I feel that I have done a good job of that. But what I won't do is 5 years from now let my affair be the reason he looks for a relationship with someone else. I want to move past this to where we can have a healthy relationship.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I am willing to "deal with it", and accept that I have scarred us for the rest of our lives. But how long am I supposed to accept him holding it over my head or even looking for EA? Unless we can move past it to at least this degree our marriage will never work.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

nursewife said:


> And I completely understand that he'll never forget it. But after 7 years I thought we have both grown and matured to where it wouldn't be affecting our life to this extent.


After an affair some of the worst things you can do is:

TT (trickle truth) which you seem to have avoided
In my opinion TT has killed more marriages then the affair itself.

False R (reconcile) - to continue an affair , which you have avoided.

Rug sweep which (I think) has happen to some degree here in your case.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I am willing to "deal with it", and accept that I have scarred us for the rest of our lives. *But how long am I supposed to accept him holding it over my head or even looking for EA? Unless we can move past it to at least this degree our marriage will never work.*


I agree
and I think this is where MC (marriage counseling) will help.
It will clean from under the rug.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Be smart said:


> Hello again,how are you feeling today nursewife,how are your kids ?
> 
> I read all posts here and all of you is asking her why is it not ok with him to have affair!!!
> Two wrongs will never repair the damage.
> ...





Be smart

As gently as this can be said, I didn't read any post saying the husband is correct in having an affair. I even said her husband has been holding this over her head. But seven years ago it was not handled in the correct way. Even nursewife has come out and said she is being vulnerable now. In nursewifes original post she called her affair a mistake. You have done the same. My WW's OM told me it was a mistake also. How would take that? It was a mistake to have sex with my wife? Is my wife a mistake? Now that you've had sex with my wife she is only worth a mistake? Now she isn't good enough to have sex with? 

Infidelity is not a mistake. Bumping a vase knocking it over is a mistake. Adding or subtracting or even forgetting to enter a check in your checkbook register is a mistake. Having sex with another human being while married is not a mistake. That was a choice. And a terribly devastating choice at best. Unless you are raped or sexually abused its a choice. My WW's OM had a deer in the headlights look as he just had the train come into the station and figured out his fault. 

The affair wasn't dealt with in a constructive manner to allow the husband to heal. While nursewife is remorseful true remorse is feeling the BS pain. She feels that now but didn't before. Yes nursewife felt remorse, yes she regrets cheating, yes she loves her husband, yes her husband loves her, yes he has been in incredible pain for seven years, yes he probably never felt safe, yes he is wrong in what he is doing, yes nursewife should have been vulnerable, and yes with MC they can work through this.

The single part that scares me the most is that nursewife is unsure if she could forgive a PA. With that kind of thinking that alone could kill any chance of reconciliation. Think about this, your wife goes and has sex with someone twice, you offer reconciliation, your wife doesn't do all she should to heal the marriage. Walls of resentment get built, years of pain that the wife just can't get it, and you have an EA. Now your wife is unsure whether or not she can offer you reconciliation. So you suffered for seven years, she didn't do the heavy lifting, and now she is ready to turn her back and leave. Because she doesn't believe her beliefs will allow it. My first thought wasn't even hypocrite, it was cake eater, followed closely by hypocrite. 

Nursewife, when and if you go through MC you will understand what I'm saying. You may think I'm being harsh but the wrong answers has to stop now if you want reconciliation. You have owned your affair but not fully as your answers have shown. I hope and pray you both make it through. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I realize that he'll never forget, but he will have to forgive in order for us to work. I can only do so much to prove how sorry I am as well as how devoted I am to him. These last 7 years I feel that I have done a good job of that. *But what I won't do is 5 years from now let my affair be the reason he looks for a relationship with someone else.* I want to move past this to where we can have a healthy relationship.


Agree 100% - the point I'm trying to drive home is I think the failure to realize the magnitude of infidelity and the subsequent inadequate response to it - is the reason you are on TAM today. I think you both did do somewhat of a rug sweep and that NEVER works. You wanted it to go away and it festered inside of him - see my point?


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Be smart
> 
> As gently as this can be said, I didn't read any post saying the husband is correct in having an affair. I even said her husband has been holding this over her head. But seven years ago it was not handled in the correct way. Even nursewife has come out and said she is being vulnerable now. In nursewifes original post she called her affair a mistake. You have done the same. My WW's OM told me it was a mistake also. How would take that? It was a mistake to have sex with my wife? Is my wife a mistake? Now that you've had sex with my wife she is only worth a mistake? Now she isn't good enough to have sex with?
> 
> ...


I honestly don't think that I would leave, but I also know that it would be a struggle for me. I cant imagine my life without him. I cant imagine not waking up to my spouse everyday. It would definitely be hard for me though. I never said I was perfect, but I know that I have tried to be a better wife after what I did. My husband knows that I would never betray him again. I do realize him knowing that does not alleviate the pain that I have caused.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I am willing to "deal with it", and accept that I have scarred us for the rest of our lives. But how long am I supposed to accept him holding it over my head or even looking for EA? Unless we can move past it to at least this degree our marriage will never work.




When the forgiveness stage of MC has been completed the affair should not be held over your head or even brought up in arguments, unless arguing about that specific time. Your husband to truly reconcile has to accept that your affair happened, not happily but accept it. He then has to either forgive or find that he is unable to forgive the affair. If he can't forgive your reconciliation probably won't work. Your husband has to work on being vulnerable, to allow you to earn trust back. You must be vulnerable, transparent, honest, remorseful, regretful, and able to make your husband feel safe. 

Your husband, just like you will, won't forget what happened, nor should you. You will both change as people, your marriage has died and you need to grieve that death. Your marriage starts anew during forgiveness and is built brick by brick. It is a process that many people fail with, so your commitment has to be strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Agree 100% - the point I'm trying to drive home is I think the failure to realize the magnitude of infidelity and the subsequent inadequate response to it - is the reason you are on TAM today. I think you both did do somewhat of a rug sweep and that NEVER works. You wanted it to go away and it festered inside of him - see my point?


I do see your point. I was wrong. I will admit there was not much if any consequence for what I did. I told him I was sorry and have spent years to try and heal what I did. But I never fully had to be held accountable. So where do I go from here as far as consequences after an extended time. I willing to do what I need to in order to save my marriage. Even now other than me being a lil more quiet at times beginning yesterday we are walking around and acting as though we are perfectly fine and are going to be okay. I just dont want to look back years from now knowing that we didnt fully address these issues yet again.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I honestly don't think that I would leave, but I also know that it would be a struggle for me. I cant imagine my life without him. I cant imagine not waking up to my spouse everyday. It would definitely be hard for me though. I never said I was perfect, but I know that I have tried to be a better wife after what I did. My husband knows that I would never betray him again. I do realize him knowing that does not alleviate the pain that I have caused.




nursewife,

I apologize if I came across as saying you didn't do the work or blaming you that your husband hasn't healed. I believe you have done all you can to repair the damage of infidelity, and that you didn't know all the intricacies of infidelity. That's not your fault as I'm assuming you have never gone through this process before. You can't fix what you don't know to fix. This is shy MC is so vital to reconciliation, and that the MC be specialized with infidelity. 

I think you are a good person who made a terrible choice. We are all fallible and it's how we react to being fallible that is so important. I believe you are remorseful, regretful, and so wish you could go back in time to change that choice. But that's not possible and you Re doing the next best path, own what you did and repair yourself and the marriage. You are way ahead of most wayward spouse in the actions you have taken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I do see your point. I was wrong. I will admit there was not much if any consequence for what I did. I told him I was sorry and have spent years to try and heal what I did. But I never fully had to be held accountable. So where do I go from here as far as consequences after an extended time. I willing to do what I need to in order to save my marriage. Even now other than me being a lil more quiet at times beginning yesterday we are walking around and acting as though we are perfectly fine and are going to be okay. I just dont want to look back years from now knowing that we didnt fully address these issues yet again.


I think you two will make it - if you get a good MC. You both seem to love each other and both have made some horrible decisions in you marriage. Many members on TAM would give anything to have a remorseful WS - you seem to definitely be remorseful. I'm not excusing your H's behavior at all -I just think the problems compounded for 7 years. You seem like a good woman who made an awful decision. 

Another point - after 5 kids - there is no living the single life for either of you - without damaging the kids. tell hubby to get that idea right out of his head. I'm sure you both love your kids and are good parents.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How long does he get to play the "betrayed spouse card?"

After voluntarily having 2 more children?

After allowing his wife to work while he goes to school?

I think you did the absolutely correct thing in not buying into his inappropriate logic.

Keep working on your marriage, meeting his needs, and making sure he meets yours.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

nursewife said:


> It moved from social media to texting in his phone. He saved her number under a different contact and was texting then deleting the messages. He lied to my face twice about what was going on. Then finally admitted to it. Throughout everything that I've done I've never once lied to him. I have tried to be transparent and so it hurt me that he could lie so easily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want this to sound too harsh, because you really seem remorseful and terrible about what you did, but you did lie to him. To me, you sound a bit hypocritical.

It seems you lied at the altar, when saying your vows. You reference your "religious beliefs" in other posts (whatever they may be). I'm pretty sure your religious beliefs include the sanctity of marriage. What you did and said was the ultimate lie, and that's why your H is probably having problems still, and is having what is obviously some sort of revenge EA. Just be glad it isn't a physical thing yet. 

It sounds like he needs to get his stuff in order and stop talking with the OW. However, I think it would be extremely off for you to not be able to forgive his EA, when you had an PA.

Regardless, you guys seem way, way ahead of a bunch of other stuff I've read on here. and the fact that you guys both know what you have done is wrong is key. It really seems like you guys should be able to get through this. Good luck.


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

Thank you all. I'm going to look into the best MC in our area now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

nursewife said:


> I am willing to "deal with it", and accept that I have scarred us for the rest of our lives. But how long am I supposed to accept him holding it over my head or even looking for EA? Unless we can move past it to at least this degree our marriage will never work.


If you start the recovery process, something you haven't done yet, it can be anywhere from two to five years on the successful reconciliation attempts.

He should not threaten affairs of his own ever.

Anger, despair, sadness, depression,... these are all to be expected from him for some time to come.

Honestly, you have a great deal to do with how fast his recovery might be.

Him lashing out from triggers and calling you names, well earned, is not uncommon at all. He may then hate that he lashed out and start being angry at himself. It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions that he doesn't want to be on but you put him there.

You need to learn the tools to effectively helping him heal and deal well with his moods.

You will have to learn how to heal the wound you inflicted on your husband.

If you have spent anytime in the ER you know what a wound can do if not treated immediately and properly.

You stabbed your husband in the back. You didn't take him to the ER or get him the right treatment. You just stopped the bleeding and covered it up with a nice dressing.

That wound has festered for 7 years untreated.

Better learn what to do. It might be too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nursewife,

Be sure that the counselor you pick is pro-marriage and not a divorce counselor, also pick one that is balanced and will not favor the wife, or your H may feel manipulated by you. Perhaps come up with a number of choices and then allow your H to pick the one he likes.

Tamat


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Thank you all. I'm going to look into the best MC in our area now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @nursewife Good luck to both of you and please keep us posted on your progress.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursewife said:


> Thank you all. I'm going to look into the best MC in our area now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Good to hear!! From all you have posted I think you two will make it through. Both your hearts are hurting, but you both love each other. That is clear in your posts and the fact your husband has stayed the last seven years without having the proper treatment. I hope you stay on TAM and update us as you move through reconciliation. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

A few things. 1. There is no actual time limit for recovery from an affair. Some people get over it sooner, some later, some not at all. 2. There is no good excuse for his behavior, as there is no good excuse for your behavior. You both made bad choices. 3. If you want to get into a pissing contest, your sin was far greater than his. While BOTH of you invited the attention of other people, you actually acted on it. He did not (as far as you know). 4. While some people advocate that an EA is as bad as a PA. In an EA, it is easier to recover, because no irrevocable actions took place. It is easier to retract or change words of love......it is impossible to un-f*ck somebody. 5. Therefore, while both of you need to do some heavy lifting, your load is greater because your sin is greater. I hope you can work it out, but I also hope that you both seek advice about co-parenting, in case you can't. Hope for the best.....plan for the worst. Good Luck!!!


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

I will keep you guys posted, thank you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

It is a good thing you both decided to work on your marriage,belive me you will become stronger after MC.

Keep us informed and best of luck for you two and your kids


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Nursewife Good luck to you and ur family. I think you have been given lots of good advice. I'm curious since it has been 7 years since the PA (i dont think most men would wait that long) Is it possible that the 5th child has made him feel less important and this has made him high on the priority list? Also I fear no matter what happens in MC this will come up again if he has a midlife crisis over his lost youth. Do the work, stay strong and have faith.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@nursewife How are you doing? Any updates?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@nursewife We are here for you,at least we will try to help you,stay strong for yourself and your kids


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I'm on tuneras side. How was this an ea? Texts with a little flirting is not an ea. Sorry. Hiding the number under someone else's name is wrong but could be easily explained. So if all you have is 99 good texts and 1 semi flirtatious sorry not an ea.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> I'm on tuneras side. How was this an ea? Texts with a little flirting is not an ea. Sorry. Hiding the number under someone else's name is wrong but could be easily explained. So if all you have is 99 good texts and 1 semi flirtatious sorry not an ea.


Maybe not a full fledged EA yet....but certainly dishonest, deceitful, and a betrayal of trust.

That needs to be addressed and stopped going forward.

But this situation is an example of why I personally do not have a problem with RA's as long as the BS is not actually doing further emotional damage to themselves.

nursewife shared that just this tiny taste of what it was like to feel betrayed brought her to her knees.

I doubt she had ANY clue as to how devastating her actions were and just what her BH really had to overcome to give her another chance (especially considering the fact he laid no consequences on her or POSOM) until she got this tiny dose of her own medicine.

That said, the message has been sent, and now he needs to knock off these actions if he wants to save the M going forward.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

nursewife said:


> A year or so after my mistake I repeatedly told him that if it was something that he just felt he needed to do then do it, but he said could never go through with it. Fast forward to present day I don't understand why this is such an issue 7 years later. Why wait until now?


Because it's a bvllsh!t excuse... He thinks he's holding onto a "Get out of jail free" card anytime some chick flirts with him. Consider your husband deep down might be a cheater too (possibly worse, a serial one). 

I'm on the nurse's side on this one. She gave him a free pass to go have his "revenge" affair years ago and "even the score". He didn't take the deal and now it's expired. That doesn't mean she has to play babysitter the rest of her life. He decided to take OP back, so he therefore no longer has the privilege of holding it against her. 

If you don't lay down consequences NOW OP, you will be doing this song and dance the rest of your marriage. Threaten divorce, do the 180, full monitoring of electronic devices, all password access, social media and texting(no deletions tolerated), limit his interactions with "colleagues" until he earns your trust back.

After seven years, he either swallows the sh!t sandwich he ate by taking you back or he spits it out and you guys divorce. He doesn't get to chew on it (stay resentful and entitled to cheat) forever.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I highly suspect my wife cheated on me before we got married 13 years ago and it has caused me to act out at times. I understand where he's coming from.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

7 years later and he wants to have a RA, what a load of c***!

He is itchy and wants to have what he sees as a valid excuse. I am not saying that what you did wasn't pretty awful, but it does not justify this.
However, it could be because

1. your hands are full with so many kids, there is little time for him with your job, etc
2. You are pregnant and just had a new baby, this can often put a damper on the sex life and meeting H needs.
3. Your M has lost it's spark due to the amount of responsibilities which seem to land on you?
4. You have let him away with far too much, there are no boundaries, he lives off you, you give birth to so many kids and take on the lions share of the domestic duties!

How much of the actual domestic responsibilities does he take on, you work full time.
He would have less time for thinking of A if he had more to do, being a full time student while his wife supports him, sounds cushy to me.

i think you need to change the balance of power in the relationship. You have to tell him

1. you are sick of supporting him and he is behaving like a teenage kid
2. he needs to pick up the slack more around the home, and stop having you handle everything, no wonder you have no time for him
3. he has to get off his spoilt ass and get a job ASAP and be a man to support his family, then he may have less time to engage in dalliances with OW
4. YOur A, you have done all you can to make it right and he can no longer hold it over you, it is already 'time barred' and if he chooses to go down this path you cannot stop him but it will be instantaneous filing of D papers
5. You have to set the boundaries now for your marriage, access to all phones, emails, fb, etc

I honestly think he has too much time on his hands, you need to start looking after you, with all the responsibilities you have taken on. You are being a fool.

Nevertheless, he is a selfish man for even thinking of going down that road while he lives off his wife, who had to give birth to 5 kids to boot, what a POS (sorry, I know you love him)!
Do you have parents you can turn to nearby? Expose to his parents/your parents and friends what is happening, he needs some accountability to a wide family/friends network


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## nursewife (Jul 26, 2015)

It has been three years since this post and I just felt inclined to update. In the end the truth came out and he did give this other woman a ride home one day and they did kiss. I talked to her and they did not sleep together. I believe him when he says they did not. It was a long road, and I just within the last year came to terms with everything and we are in a great place. It was a lot of work and we are still a work in progress. I have seen a change in him and trust that he won't ever hurt me again. If he does divorce will happen. I thank everyone who took the time to give advice. I was in such a dark place. Blessings to all.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

nursewife said:


> It has been three years since this post and I just felt inclined to update. In the end the truth came out and he did give this other woman a ride home one day and they did kiss. I talked to her and they did not sleep together. I believe him when he says they did not. It was a long road, and I just within the last year came to terms with everything and we are in a great place. It was a lot of work and we are still a work in progress. I have seen a change in him and trust that he won't ever hurt me again. If he does divorce will happen. I thank everyone who took the time to give advice. I was in such a dark place. Blessings to all.


Good update....

Glad he pulled his head out of his a**.......and I’m sure that tiny bit of trickle truth about the kiss hurt like h*ll.....

How is your H doing with truly healing from your A?

Was counseling able to help him work through his pain and truly heal?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nursewife 

I’m glad to hear you are both healing and becoming healthier spouses. I’m unsure if I ever told you this but I work part time for a hospital. I understand the long hours and how you would feel after caring for patients all day, it is very mentally taxing. I think both you and your husband had a strong determination to work through this. Kudos to you both for doing the difficult but necessary work. God bless you both.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nursewife said:


> Thank you for responding. No, we have not had any MC. Literally up until a week ago I thought our marriage was strong. We talked and he has promised to become a better husband, and to never hurt me again. The problem now is me getting over the pain, and learning to trust him. It bothers me that I just don't know that's he was completely honest on how far his conversation or actions went with this other woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not much anyone can do to help. If your husband decide to have a affair to get even there is not much you can do to stop him. 

I am almost never for R for reasons like this. Here you are seven years later and he is still thinking about and being bothered by what you did. He is so bothered by it, he is trying to get even. 

The best thing that could have happened was for the two of you to have separated 7 years ago so he could get it out of his system then. I doubt this is the end of it. He will get with someone else to get it out of his system. 

Even with just his intention, you at least got a taste of what you did to him when you cheated. The one good thing from this, at least you can relate to his pain somewhat.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nursewife said:


> Thank you both. Marriage counseling should probably be our next step. I don't want to lose my marriage not only because of our kids, but because I do love him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you answer a question? 

You say you love him and I believe that you do. How about when you cheated? Is it the same as back then or is it different, actually love now?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nursewife said:


> I'm new to site and don't know what RA, WS, and BS mean. I do feel that he hasn't phycially cheated yet, I do know that if he chooses to I don't think our marriage would be able to come back from it.
> 
> He says that he feels being fb friends is not a big deal, and a way for him to show me that he can be trusted. Crazy reasoning I know. I have spoke to him about some of the points mentioned here and he did contact her and said
> 
> ...


Is it a problem for him to have female friends or just this one?

Do you have male friends that you talk with weekly?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nursewife said:


> I never said what I did was okay. But he has attempted to talk to other women before. Just not the physical aspect. The first year or so following what I did I told him to do whatever he needed to help him get past it. The only thing I could do was show him that I was fully dedicated to repairing what I damaged. I don't understand why 7 yrs later this is happening. I feel that him wanting to engage in another relationship is more about him now and not the fact of what I did 7 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has everything to do with what happened seven years ago. You broke the bond between the two of you. But unlike you he can’t pass over to the actual physical side of it. Any betrayal takes years to get over. Some people never do completely. Also this happened with in the first two years of your marriage. The two of you should have never been looking at anyone else. But you made a choice and it has ruined what you could of had with your husband.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nursewife said:


> I would try to get over infidelity, because he deserves as much of a second chance as he gave me and I know that.* But I also know myself and know that it may ruin what ever relationship we have left because of my personality traits.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you talking about your relationship after your affair or after his attempt?


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