# Question for the guys



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

This is a question for the guys, but ladies feel free to answer if you like. 

My friend shared something with me yesterday and I could tell she was a little concerned. Her and her husband have been married for 6yrs, they have one daughter who is 4. They dated for about 2 yrs before marrying. 

She told me they have had a good marriage so far, few bumps in the road like most people, but nothing major. They both have no problem with porn and enjoy watching it from time to time. She told me she made the comment while watching some porn the other night that she had seen different types of porn before, but never gay men porn. He tells her he had never seen it either and didn't care to it wasn't his thing.

She noticed his tone was different while talking about that. He seemed kinda angry. She proceeded to ask him what was wrong, with him answering "nothing" of course. After continuing to ask him, since there clearly was a problem, he then tells her, he was sorry for his tone and tells her something happened between him and a male friend when they were teenagers. He said he wasn't gay or even bi, and that it was one time, and the thought of gay porn when she mentioned it, made him sick! 

She then hugged him told him it was ok, that she never even thought he might be gay or bi, and she chalked it up to experience. So she asked him what actually happened. He then got really upset yelled at her and said "You don't need to know its none of your business!" :scratchhead: So I guess he felt ok telling her he had the exoperience, but not telling her what really happened. 

I guess she asked out of curiosity, wondering maybe if it was touching, oral or actual sex. Anyway, why would this bother him so much? Guilt over something that happened years and years ago? She told him she was ok with it and that she didn't think he was gay or bi, never gave any kind of indication that he might be. 

So why the anger? Why not tell what happened? He already told her something did. Is it possible that if a guy experiments with another guy they really might be gay or bi? 

Guys what do you think? Any experience with this or know of someone who did? Ladies do you know of a guy who had a one time experience?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband also was actually abused by an older male on one occasion when he was a young teenager...he doesn't like to talk about it either. He repressed it and it makes him uncomfortable and angry if it comes out. So we don't talk about it, I know it, but it isn't something we talk about.

Maybe he has the same issue. I don't know why she would dig for any information--she doesn't have to know everything about her husband, some things are private. 

If he is still carrying around anger issues, etc., then perhaps she might suggest he see a counselor. That's what my husband did.

Also--research shows that some men who come out later in life as gay or bisexual or you have a propensity towards this behavior had some type of sexual abuse in their past that involved same sex behavior.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you let it alone. His reaction seems "normal" - at least from my view point. Recognizing his anger/discomfort, and probably shame in his initial reaction, it was and is not a good idea to press further. I don't think it rises to the level of homophobia, but it almost certainly threatens his masculinity.

And for the record, been there personally - same situation decades ago and am even cringing admitting it in an anonymous post, much less even talking about it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks MWIL! I'm sorry that happened to your husband. 

In my friends situation though her husband wasn't abused, it was a consentual thing, like experimenting kinda thing. As far as her digging for info, I don't think that was really her intent, I think she felt like if he felt ok to tell her it happened, then I guess she felt it was ok he tell her what. She has not pressed the issue or brought it up again with him.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

rj700 said:


> I think you let it alone. His reaction seems "normal" - at least from my view point. Recognizing his anger/discomfort, and probably shame in his initial reaction, it was and is not a good idea to press further. I don't think it rises to the level of homophobia, but it almost certainly threatens his masculinity.
> 
> And for the record, been there personally - same situation decades ago and am even cringing admitting it in an anonymous post, much less even talking about it.


Thanks for your reply rj! Thank you for sharing and you are brave! The minute I posted this my first thought was, even if there was a guy who this happened to I doubt they would tell it, which I completely understand and get! 

My friend hasn't brought it up with him again.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Now I'll just delete all my previous posts, cancel my account and re-register with a different name - after I recover.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

rj700 said:


> Now I'll just delete all my previous posts, cancel my account and re-register with a different name - after I recover.


Nah, kudos to you!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I don't have experience with this, however, it may be that he is embarrassed and angry. I would think, even if it was a mutual thing they did, he still may have some guilt and shame over it. Its good that your friend hasn't brought it back up. I'm sure if he wants to discuss it further, then maybe he will bring it back up at some point.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

This is something I can relate to.

He needs to deal with it on his own terms. A therapist would be a good idea for him to see. He doesn't want you to know about it because he doesn't want you to see him any different. He may also be afraid of his own answers.

Next time it comes up, gently suggest he go see someone. Getting it off his chest (NOT out in the open) will be good for him (and you too)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Because it was a bad experience that seemingly made him question himself.

He`s insecure about it and maybe for good reason.

I had something similar happen to me when I was very young with a much older boy and while I wouldn`t at all call it abuse it wasn`t exactly consensual.

It can be a messed up confusing situation that a man just wants to forget but really never will.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I have casual friends who are gay but have never even considered doing anything gay or "experimenting" because I'm just not wired that way, and the thought of doing anything sexual with a male literally makes me wanna vomit. Those who are gay or bi I don't have a problem with even though I can't relate to any of it, and I just chalk it upto the fact they are wired that way in their brains of have more female genes than the rest of us I guess. I do watch porn here and there and a lot of times there are butt naked men in them doing the deed with women, but it's like putting spinach(which I hate & detest)on the same plate with my juicy filet mignon where I will just ignore half the plate and enjoy what I'm interested in.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I have no experience with that. Maybe the H was embarrassed, or maybe there was abuse...and he wants to keep it buried. 

A gay friend of mine told me that he experimented with another boy (consensual, and they were both kids) once. I'm sure this goes on a lot more than most of us think.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison- thanks, you're right I'm sure its an embarrassing situation. 

Smoke-thanks I will tell her. 

Tacoma- thanks for sharing, I'm sorry that happened. 

Update: So I spoke with my friend earlier she said last night, her husband came to her and revealed some more stuff. He told her he thought she had a right to know. 

When he was 10, a girl that lived down the road called him into the woods, She took her clothes off, she took his clothes off. She said he told her he was scared! She told him to lay down on the ground and then she got on top of him but nothing happened, because the girls mother was calling her from down the road to come home, so she got scared put her clothes on and left. It only happened that one time. 

Then when he was around 12, he went to a friends house to see if he was home, down the road. ( apparently they lived in a big neighborhood with lots of kids.) He told her his friend wasn't home but his older brother was and he had friends over. 
He said they called him to come up in the tree house and when he did, the other boys held his head, and the other guy peed in his mouth. They all laughed. So he felt bullied and humilated! Those guys were older then him, like about 16. It only happened that one time. 

Then of course when he was in his teens is when he had the experience with his friend. Sounds like a lot of stuff happened! Only happened that one time. I do believe therapy would be good. My friend told me he seemed ok in telling her these things. No problem in telling her about the girl and taking her clothes off, or the guy peeing, but wont share the other thing that happened. She mentioned to me that she flt so bad these things had happened to him. She mentioned him seeking a therapist to deal with this, he told her he would think about it! 

I feel bad and sad for them at the same time!


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

probably embarrassed. maybe at the time he thought "yeah, I'll try this, my d*ck is hard maybe I'll like it" then over the years is just like wow I am so hetero I can't BELIEVE I even did that! <bury, bury, bury> 

she rubbed on the scab and the wound opened up. prob best to just leave it alone.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree totally with RJ. I was taken advantage of by a "friend" when I was a pre-teen. I went along with it a little because he told me it was normal and he did it with other friends. It never went very far...just some touching and things like that but it always makes me very uncomfortable to think about and I don't want to talk about it. I've never told anyone about it. I'm not gay or anywhere close to gay, but because of these experiences I questioned that until I was in my late teens. Actually, until I finally had a physical relationship with a girl...that's when I knew I definitely wasn't gay!

Anyway, this is a tough thing for men to talk about and she should let it go while letting him know that she loves him dearly. He might be a little tender for awhile after having admitted this. He's probably never told anyone before. Neither have I and I never plan to.

Bottom line: His behavior was totally within the realm of normality given the situation.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Jamison- thanks, you're right I'm sure its an embarrassing situation.
> 
> Smoke-thanks I will tell her.
> 
> ...


Your friend should tell her husband that she is willing to listen if he ever wants to talk about it or share more, than give him some space. It sounds like he needs to let it out in smaller chunks.

She should also thank him for trusting her enough to share that with her. He took a real risk personally is telling her. That he did so can be a great moment for them. But you absolutely cannot tell anyone else. Her having told you risks him slamming that door shut agian.


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