# First Marriage After 40?



## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

Did anyone here marry later in life *OR* did you marry the love-of-your-life later (second or third marriage)?

I've enjoyed many beautiful expressions from happy husbands on this site about how they've been in love with their wives since they were young and that they still see her as the gorgeous/attractive woman they fell in love with (when the thread is discussing looks and age), so I was wondering if it's possible to marry someone when you're both older and still feel that way about them [minus the remembering them when you were young, of course].


*When people in their 40s or even older marry, how is it different (good or bad) from marrying when you're both young*?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I got married for the first time when I was 38, I'm glad I waited, as I'm fairly certain I would be divorced by now if I had gotten married when I was younger.
I'm 6 years older than my H, when we met, neither of us was looking to get married, but I was adamant that any person I was going to date had the qualities I was looking for in a potential mate. 
To me, my H is actually more handsome now, probably because of the history we have together & the bond we share. I only have eyes for him, other men hold no appeal to me. I hope he feels the same way about me too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I was married when I was 40. Second marriage for my hubby, first for me. The biggest thing I've noticed is that my husband and I never take each other for granted like so many people we know, who married young.

We feel like we've already missed out on so much time together, so we make the most of every minute that we can spend together.

We're both so grateful that we found each other.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

My father was 53 when he first married. My mother was 27. It was always a pretty unequal relationship, with him calling the shots always. He was happy, she probably less so.

I think she was happier in her second marriage, after my father had died. Her second marriage was more one of equals (though my stepfather was a very strong man mentally he was also very wise). He too had lost his first wife to cancer.

Their marriage, the second for both of them, really was one 'made in heaven'. They were early fifties when they married and then had nearly 35 years together. I think it was perhaps the happiest marriage I have ever witnessed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mer-Maid said:


> I was wondering if it's possible to marry someone when you're both older and still feel that way about them [minus the remembering them when you were young, of course


I don't see why not.

Love comes at all ages and can hit at any time.

I think the benefit of marrying when older is that you know yourself and have a better sense of yourself and what you want. Past relationships may have shown you what you can make better/what you are good at so you can take those lessons into a newer relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We married when I was 37 and he was 58, second marriage for both of us. I know I leaned a lot from my first marriage, and am also in a much better place life. That's important because if the younger person isn't a strong personality in a strong place the older person will end up calling the shots. 

From what my hb has told me about his first marriage, he was in his early 30's and felt some pressure to get married. So it wasn't that he really wanted to marry her, he felt like he should get married and she was there. Because of that he made a poor choice and took it for granted. When we got married there wasn't any more pressure, we didn't want more kids, except maybe that I wanted to get married. He went along pretty easily though and even planned most of the wedding, so he couldn't have been that opposed.....and for me, lots of my insecurities that I had when I was younger are now gone and that's good for the bedroom. We dated for 6 years, and now he says he never should've waited so long to marry me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Life: is the age difference ever an issue in your marriage?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Life: is the age difference ever an issue in your marriage?


Not for the most part. I like older men, partly because they're as good as they're ever going to get, and partly because I myself have never been comfortable with my peers. Hubby says I'm an older person in a younger persons body. He is is top physical shape, that was non negotiable for me to consider him; I'm not signing up to be someone's nurse. Now when something happens because he's getting older that's different and I'll be there, but not for someone that doesn't take care of themselves.

I think he's had some insecurities with it; we've had some issues related to this that we seem to have worked out. And he had tendency to assume a daddy role early on; I put a stop to that quickly, and if I couldn't stop it I would've ended things. I had an awesome dad and don't need another one  

When we interact though it doesn't occur to me that we're that far apart and he says the same thing. I'm quite accomplished and professionally we're on par with each other. It is funny when he talks about things he saw or did as a kid and we realize I have no idea what he's talking about, but we can laugh at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hubby says I'm an older person in a younger persons body.
> 
> And he had tendency to assume a daddy role early on; I put a stop to that quickly, and if I couldn't stop it I would've ended things. I had an awesome dad and don't need another one
> 
> It is funny when he talks about things he saw or did as a kid and we realize I have no idea what he's talking about, but we can laugh at that.


Cute.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I first got married at 23. Long, bad mistake, but that's the past now. My second marriage - and the good one, to whom I consider the love of my life - was in my early 50s, she in her early 40s.

The difference is that we had both been burned, and were far more aware of the potential problems and pitfalls in relationships and marriage - we had learned our lessons. We took our time to know each other very well before marrying the second time. We got it right. We are still absolutely delighted with each other and marriage, but neither of us actually felt that we _needed _to marry - it just provided some practical advantages.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think unfortunately a lot of people get married young because that is the thing to do.

You're born, go to school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, retire. Isn't that the formula?

a lot of people don't think things through and just do what society tells us to do. 

So people get married.

The odds of a good marriage are handicapped by the 'formula'.

Well, I am no virtuous example of bucking the system, although I didn't get married until I was 54. (show my age now).

I didn't want to get married. was happy single. people thought i was odd. (maybe I am, but i'm pretty happy).

it wasn't until I hit my 50's that i was interested in marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> I think unfortunately a lot of people get married young because that is the thing to do.
> 
> You're born, go to school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, retire. Isn't that the formula?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

A lot of people get married because it's like checking boxes off on a "To Do" list.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I need to qualify myself so i don't sound like i'm anti marriage.

there's nothing wrong with getting married young cause that's what you want to do. The most beautiful marriages i know are ones like my mom and dad, aunt and uncle that got married young stuck with each other through thick and thin and looked back after 35, 40, 50 65 years and still in love.

I'm only saying that there is too much 'herd' thinking out there.

We need to think our lives through more (me included).

" an unexamined is not worth living" socrates (although i don't totally agree)


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so as to getting married older, there are some handicaps,
but so far married life is good.


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## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

I completely agree that many fall in with the "formula" - checking things off a list, good points!


*I've LOVED all your answers, stories, experiences and wisdom* - thanks so much! :smthumbup:


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> I think unfortunately a lot of people get married young because that is the thing to do.
> 
> You're born, go to school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, retire. Isn't that the formula?


Agree, I mean is beutiful to hear about highschool sweet hearts that have been together in a sucessful marriage for 40 or more years, but lets be honest, that is the great minority.

in the other hand when of you marry more mature and expereinced then you have the adventage of knowing how to overcome problems with your partner, you also already expereinced what you wanted so no doubts or curiosity to experiment being already married.

but as jorgegene says, unfortunatly society push you to marry and have kids as fast as possible, I am 31 haven't been married yet, but since my middle 20's I began to hear jokes at my expenses of being a closet gay for not being married at my age, also my mother and other family members everytime they see me ask me when I am going to finally marry and have kids saying it as if I am doing something wrong and wasting my life, and yes they also constantly brought subjects of people of my age already married with 2 or more kids.

ironically my 2 friends who married in their early 20's, one is already divorced and the other is in process of divorcing.


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