# He’s coming He’s coming!!



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi all-
So a lot has been happening from my teen to my job to 2020!! Still talking to my guy, but as some know... I didn’t meet up on thanksgiving break:
He told me today he’s coming and wanting to spend a couple of days with me!! Now.... here are the obstacles...
Kiddo here. No I don’t have anyone or anywhere for him to go. So I’m thinking hotel if I can get reservations it’s most likely going to be the day after Christmas.
Then.... I may be on my PERIOD!!! Ugh!!
Sorry this is TMI. But this is important ya’ll lol

help!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Would your son go with you? I'm not familiar with your story, so I apologize if I'm asking obtuse questions here. Doesn't your son have any friends with whom he could stay for a few days? I know you are saying there is nobody or nowhere, but surely he must have a few friends who would enjoy hanging with him.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Would your son go with you? I'm not familiar with your story, so I apologize if I'm asking obtuse questions here. Doesn't your son have any friends with whom he could stay for a few days? I know you are saying there is nobody or nowhere, but surely he must have a few friends who would enjoy hanging with him.


It’s a long boring story lol
No he’s 16. He will stay here by himself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does your son know your dating him?

I think that this is a good opportunity for him to see the real you. Not the conditions are perfect, fake, uncomplicated you. 

Women get periods. There is nothing you can do about that one, and it might be a blessing in disguise if you ask me.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Does your son know your dating him?
> 
> I think that this is a good opportunity for him to see the real you. Not the conditions are perfect, fake, uncomplicated you.
> 
> Women get periods. There is nothing you can do about that one, and it might be a blessing in disguise if you ask me.


How so? I mean we haven’t seen one another in 6 months! Sex is something that we both miss from one another!!


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Well, you might or might not get your period. 

If you get it, is he against having sex during your period? I mean, you have been dating for a while (even if it's been long distance) you must know how he feels about it, right? 

It could be a good situation to talk about, and you both might enjoy other ways of lovemaking!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

He doesn’t mind light flow, but not heavy: and he loves oral on me. But Im just excited as it’s been awhile.
If it happens then we will find other ways!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why don't you just tell him about the timing of it and he might want to change his schedule.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's ok to have sex while on your period. I think our first 3 times (long distance relationship) were at that time of the month. It happens. That's what showers are for!  Good luck!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> It's ok to have sex while on your period. I think our first 3 times (long distance relationship) were at that time of the month. It happens. That's what showers are for!  Good luck!


Who said, if sex isn't messy, you're not doing it right? I never understood the issue about having sex during her period. That's what a towel is for. My wife was quite surprised, before we were married, that I had no issues with sexual activity during her period, including oral. It was a tremendous help with her cramps. With prior boyfriends she would hide away in a cave until it was over. Why? Looking back on things, her having an orgasm (through oral) during her period, and how it helped with her cramps, was probably something that put me in the winner's circle for her. Good times back then.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Who said, if sex isn't messy, you're not doing it right? I never understood the issue about having sex during her period. That's what a towel is for. My wife was quite surprised, before we were married, that I had no issues with sexual activity during her period, including oral. It was a tremendous help with her cramps. With prior boyfriends she would hide away in a cave until it was over. Why? Looking back on things, her having an orgasm (through oral) during her period, and how it helped with her cramps, was probably something that put me in the winner's circle for her. Good times back then.


Not judging you, but to me oral during a period..... that is totally disgusting...
Whatever. OP, he bailed on thanksgiving and you haven’t seen him in 6 months????
That’s too damn long. Sorry..


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You haven't seen this person in half a year. Why wouldn't you try to connect in another way....not sex?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> Who said, if sex isn't messy, you're not doing it right? I never understood the issue about having sex during her period. That's what a towel is for. My wife was quite surprised, before we were married, that I had no issues with sexual activity during her period, including oral. It was a tremendous help with her cramps. With prior boyfriends she would hide away in a cave until it was over. Why? Looking back on things, her having an orgasm (through oral) during her period, and how it helped with her cramps, was probably something that put me in the winner's circle for her. Good times back then.


True! I know he doesn’t mind light flow, as we’ve done the deed oral and PIV. But lately, I’m having heavy heavy and I would feel uncomfortable lol but ya never know!!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not judging you, but to me oral during a period..... that is totally disgusting...
> Whatever. OP, he bailed on thanksgiving and you haven’t seen him in 6 months????
> That’s too damn long. Sorry..


I’m the one that cancelled. Due to a family situation that had to be handled.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You haven't seen this person in half a year. Why wouldn't you try to connect in another way....not sex?


We connect in every way except physically- being long distance. We chat or video daily. So this is our opportunity to get “connected” in the physical way.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sue4473 said:


> Hi all-
> So a lot has been happening from my teen to my job to 2020!! Still talking to my guy, but as some know... I didn’t meet up on thanksgiving break:
> He told me today he’s coming and wanting to spend a couple of days with me!! Now.... here are the obstacles...
> Kiddo here. No I don’t have anyone or anywhere for him to go. So I’m thinking hotel if I can get reservations it’s most likely going to be the day after Christmas.
> ...


Why are YOU going to the trouble of booking the hotel, etc.? He's coming, let him handle all of that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> Why are YOU going to the trouble of booking the hotel, etc.? He's coming, let him handle all of that.


He's making the trip to see her. Why should he automatically have to book the hotel?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Livvie said:


> He's making the trip to see her. Why should he automatically have to book the hotel?


Because she’s not his mommy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Because she’s not his mommy?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So if he makes the hotel reservation, is he her daddy?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> So if he makes the hotel reservation, is he her daddy?


Laughing my butt off at that


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Because she’s not his mommy?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So the man is expected to pay?

Now, I'm being facetious here, I certainly think he should, but time to time others mention double standards here, so I thought I'd throw it out there first.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> He's making the trip to see her. Why should he automatically have to book the hotel?


Because he is making the plans to come down, so yes, he should book the hotel. If he is the one imposing, he should book his own hotel to stay in.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So if he makes the hotel reservation, is he her daddy?


Maybe in bed...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> Because he is making the plans to come down, so yes, he should book the hotel. If he is the one imposing, he should book his own hotel to stay in.


Imposing? He is the one making the round trip so they can see each other, and so she doesn't have to travel. She doesn't want to stay at her house. So HE should book and pay for a hotel? 🤔

So by that logic, if she goes and visits him someday and he doesn't want to stay at his house, SHE should book and pay for a hotel for them to **** in, right?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Imposing? He is the one making the round trip so they can see each other, and so she doesn't have to travel. She doesn't want to stay at her house. So HE should book and pay for a hotel? 🤔
> 
> So by that logic, if she goes and visits him someday and he doesn't want to stay at his house, SHE should book and pay for a hotel for them to **** in, right?


We don't know if he doesn't want her to stay at his house.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> He's making the trip to see her. Why should he automatically have to book the hotel?


I agree. It’s not a big deal to make a reservation 
It’s teamwork!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Livvie said:


> So by that logic, if she goes and visits him someday and he doesn't want to stay at his house, SHE should book and pay for a hotel for them to **** in, right?


Yes.

I wouldn’t want someone to choose my hotel for me. That’s like letting someone pick out bras for you.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> I agree. It’s not a big deal to make a reservation
> It’s teamwork!


To a degree...and then there’s EFFORT.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I wouldn’t want someone to choose my hotel for me. That’s like letting someone pick out bras for you.
> 
> ...


He's not staying at the hotel. THEY are staying at the hotel together. So if you are staying at a hotel with your partner you alone have to always be the one picking it??


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Livvie said:


> He's not staying at the hotel. THEY are staying at the hotel together. So if you are staying at a hotel with your partner you alone have to always be the one picking it??


This isn’t an anniversary trip to Jamaica, this is him visiting her and visa versa. It’s called “long distance dating”.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> To a degree...and then there’s EFFORT.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


And he’s making an effort to come down!
Y’all got a lot of time on your hands LOL
This thread gave me a lot of laughs!!!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update***

First- Merry Christmas!!
Second- My guy will be here tomorrow morning!
We’ll spend a few days together in a hotel close by my place. I know it’s not much, but I’m ecstatic and happy to see him!

Sue ☺


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sue4473 said:


> Update***
> 
> First- Merry Christmas!!
> Second- My guy will be here tomorrow morning!
> ...


Well look at that, it's a Christmas miricle! 

Just teasing you, hope you have a great time. Merry Christmas!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

At this point I don't think @Sue4473 cares who books the hotel, she just wants to get laid dammit  

Seriously though Sue, this is a wonderful update - enjoy your time with your man, it's boxing day arvo here, so he should be arriving any time now!! Shag yourselves silly!!!!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

frusdil said:


> At this point I don't think @Sue4473 cares who books the hotel, she just wants to get laid dammit
> 
> Seriously though Sue, this is a wonderful update - enjoy your time with your man, it's boxing day arvo here, so he should be arriving any time now!! Shag yourselves silly!!!!


Girl that is soooo funny, and partly true ha!
So why this is a moment I’ve been waiting for.... something he said last night has got me a bit I don’t know.. like meh?

He’s never met my son (16) now we talk about our kids and I feel I know them just from the personal things he shares with me.
However, when he texted last night he asked if we could check in early? I said I would love for you to come see my new tv. Etc 
He says that’s fine up I’ll come pick you up.
Kiddo will be gone right? I said yes for a few hours. He then says ok I’m thinking this through.... he will be gone today for a bit, but tomorrow when I bring you back will he be gone?

I got a bit agitated... what’s the big deal? My son at 16 knows that I’m meeting my friend and staying at a hotel. (He’s not stupid) so I presume my friend is afraid that my son might see him drop me off?

min trying not to be pissy as I don’t see him being like that, but I feel maybe I’m not considered as a future long term girl if he can’t even do this?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> min trying not to be pissy as I don’t see him being like that, but *I feel maybe I’m not considered as a future long term girl if he can’t even do this?*


NOT EVEN CLOSE...at least not to ME after reading what he texted. There could be any number of reasons why he asked about your son, but the important thing is...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY. You guys aren't setting a date for moving in together or getting engaged - you are FINALLY getting together after so long apart!! YAY!!!! I bet he's not thinking about anything in your future together beyond getting you in that hotel room! 

So don't sabotage your excitement with finally getting what you've wanted for months with anything small and petty, just turn your mind OFF and ENJOY him and your time together!!!

The time for deep conversations about the hidden meanings of what he says is LATER, like next week or next month, or maybe (if you can be strong)...NEVER...but it's certainly NOT the time during your special days together.

Remember --- RELAX and ENJOY!!!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> NOT EVEN CLOSE...at least not to ME after reading what he texted. There could be any number of reasons why he asked about your son, but the important thing is...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY. You guys aren't setting a date for moving in together or getting engaged - you are FINALLY getting together after so long apart!! YAY!!!! I bet he's not thinking about anything in your future together beyond getting you in that hotel room!
> 
> So don't sabotage your excitement with finally getting what you've wanted for months with anything small and petty, just turn your mind OFF and ENJOY him and your time together!!!
> 
> ...


^^This


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> NOT EVEN CLOSE...at least not to ME after reading what he texted. There could be any number of reasons why he asked about your son, but the important thing is...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY. You guys aren't setting a date for moving in together or getting engaged - you are FINALLY getting together after so long apart!! YAY!!!! I bet he's not thinking about anything in your future together beyond getting you in that hotel room!
> 
> So don't sabotage your excitement with finally getting what you've wanted for months with anything small and petty, just turn your mind OFF and ENJOY him and your time together!!!
> 
> ...


I agree with this but- it is important that he understands she is not an a la carte package. Too bad it couldn't be worked in that "My son is looking forward to meeting you!" somehow. @Sue4473 is looking for long-term relationship material, and management of her anxieties is pretty important. I think little baby steps are a good way to go, begun sooner than later. 

However, I don't see anything in this guy's behavior that screams out "I'm just looking to get laid and if you get to be too much bother, I'm not going to make it work, I'm going to move on."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your TV has to be pretty damn special. Bet he's never seen one so special.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update After Meeting.

Hey all-

I need some advice especially from my regulars lol who already know how I am!
You know who you are.

The rundown: Just got home! Meeting went great...I got to the hotel room and he showed up 15 min after- He had the biggest smile on his face and scooped me up and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. Told me I looked so good!
We ahem got caught up and visited with one another for a few hours. Got dressed and went out to a nice dinner. Came back enjoyed some wine and that’s when I just ugh... I’m not sure what happened. Yes I do- I let my uncertainty and fears take control 

I wanted the night to be so perfect that lots of things went wrong. Ex blowing up my phone, spotting during intimate times that he stopped cause it wasn’t period blood and he thought he hurt me. Sorry TMI.

With all that, I became unbelievably tense and couldn’t relax. Even though I didn’t think I was that bad, my guy sensed it bad.
He said why are you acting different? Relax!
I questioned everything he said, asked if he was mad about 10x etc. it got bad. I told him how I was in a verbally abuse marriage, and at one time felt unworthy and lot of men have left.
He says we were ok but I felt he was lying
We went on to bed. No sex 

This morning, he woke up no cuddles, or sex. Said he was leaving early to beat traffic.

I said are you sure we are ok? I get the feeling we’re not.
Because I’m not being loving?
Yes, I said.
I have to leave he said.

We got our stuff and bags and headed out to parking lot- I was hugging him and said I’m sorry for what happened. It’s fine it’s over with. But I can’t keep doing this he says. You don’t know how difficult it is not seeing you, and then it’s been 6 months I finally can get away. Then it’s awkward because you were so tense and couldnt relax. Not sure where this uncertainty and insecurity is coming from. This isn’t going to work if it’s going to be like this.

I looked at him and said I just wanted things to be so perfect. And you don’t know how much I’ve missed you and wanted you here like crazy!
He says I don’t feel like you do. Especially last night. I say what can I do to fix it?
You can’t fix it. What’s done is done. Move on. Then I say- you want to move on and not continue?
That’s what I’m talking about! You not listening. Move on as in it’s a pretty day- what’s done is done.

Men/Ladies.,
Did I mess it up? You think he’s done with this hot mess? Help Help Help.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why on Earth was your ex blowing up your phone?? Why didn't you block him for the weekend, or turn your phone off? Why were you bleeding (not from your period)? Are you going to make an appointment with your doctor?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And why do you have two threads saying the same thing?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Only time wll tell what he thinks of what happened. I do think its odd that your ex was blowing up your phone, why are you still letting him do that? You need to cut him off.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Why on Earth was your ex blowing up your phone?? Why didn't you block him for the weekend, or turn your phone off? Why were you bleeding (not from your period)? Are you going to make an appointment with your doctor?


Ex is an ass. Yes going to doctor this week.
By accident I did it the repeat posts.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Only time wll tell what he thinks of what happened. I do think its odd that your ex was blowing up your phone, why are you still letting him do that? You need to cut him off.


He was texting that he had a Christmas gift for kiddo. And my son wasn’t texting him back. He wanted to let me know he was disappointed in our son. He also knew I wasn’t home and this is what he does to ruin my evening


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> He was texting that he had a Christmas gift for kiddo. And my son wasn’t texting him back. He wanted to let me know he was disappointed in our son. He also knew I wasn’t home and this is what he does to ruin my evening


I'd be mad, if I were the guy with you at the hotel. Once you knew it wasn't an emergency, you could have blocked his number for the rest of the weekend. You didn't. Why?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Just a suggestion, but maybe you should take a break from relationships for awhile. It doesn't sound like you're ready. JMO.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'd be mad, if I were the guy with you at the hotel. Once you knew it wasn't an emergency, you could have blocked his number for the rest of the weekend. You didn't. Why?


I ended up deleting it but it ruined my mood. And yes, my guy was frustrated with a lot of things. Me not relaxing and it was awkward night. That’s why I’m hoping not all is lost. 
I’m willing to work on it


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> I ended up deleting it but it ruined my mood. And yes, my guy was frustrated with a lot of things. Me not relaxing and it was awkward night. That’s why I’m hoping not all is lost.
> I’m willing to work on it


Unfortunately it sounds like he's not willing to wait around to wait for you to work on it. 

Over the past 6 months, what do you feel like you've been doing to work on yourself or to make yourself more ready for a relationship with this man or anybody else?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Unfortunately it sounds like he's not willing to wait around to wait for you to work on it.
> 
> Over the past 6 months, what do you feel like you've been doing to work on yourself or to make yourself more ready for a relationship with this man or anybody else?


Obvious nothing. He hasn’t ended it so I’m hoping he will give me another chance, and this was a warning. I’m not perfect and sometimes my fear leads me


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Obvious nothing. He hasn’t ended it so I’m hoping he will give me another chance, and this was a warning. I’m not perfect and sometimes my fear leads me


I haven’t texted him as I’m just lying low.
He told me he made it home and I responded and that was it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The fact that your mood changed and you couldn't be fully engaged with this man because of YOUR EX texting or calling you..... if that were me, I may well have left the hotel early and gone home. Even in the middle of the night. I'm telling you this so you can put it in perspective.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If I had just had sex with my date and she started acting as strange as you did I would instinctively know she wasn’t ready for a physical relationship. You let your ex ruin your evening and your current guy is pissed about it.
Work on yourself Sue because you are not in the right mindset at the moment for dating, especially a ldr and don’t be too worried about this guy, he’s been messing you around for so long it’s no wonder you’re all over the place.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> I ended up deleting it but it ruined my mood. And yes, my guy was frustrated with a lot of things. Me not relaxing and it was awkward night. That’s why I’m hoping not all is lost.
> I’m willing to work on it


byt why are you willing to work on this when he isnt understanding your feelings/position of being a parent?

you shouldn’t keep trying when the guy shows he isn’t trying to be supportive of your priorities in life.

I think he just came for a visit for sex and when it got to real life he left...he’s not a keeper!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> I’m willing to work on it


I hope you mean by ^^this^^ that you are willing to work on YOU, rather than working on this relationship. Because from where I'm sitting, you aren't relationship material right now. If you're not in counseling, you need to be. You are the victim of abuse. You are still playing the victim card, whether you realize it or not, and the one victimizing you is YOU.

Take a break.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I hope you mean by ^^this^^ that you are willing to work on YOU, rather than working on this relationship. Because from where I'm sitting, you aren't relationship material right now. If you're not in counseling, you need to be. You are the victim of abuse. You are still playing the victim card, whether you realize it or not, and the one victimizing you is YOU.
> 
> Take a break.


I’ve said this since her first posts about this guy. She only responds to what she wants to hear.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> byt why are you willing to work on this when he isnt understanding your feelings/position of being a parent?
> 
> you shouldn’t keep trying when the guy shows he isn’t trying to be supportive of your priorities in life.
> 
> I think he just came for a visit for sex and when it got to real life he left...he’s not a keeper!


What?

Her priority in life should be her EX having a hissy fit?? Then being moody about it??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Update After Meeting.
> 
> Hey all-
> 
> ...


Sue, wasn't he supposed to spend a few DAYS with you...? Did that change before you got together, or did he deliberately bail after the first night when things didn't go well...??


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I feel bad for you and for what you've been through. 

I wish I could hold your hand and tell you to relax and let things flow.

I believe you haven't been in control for a while and now it's hard for you to control your thoughts and emotions. It seems they overwhelm you and you get anxious about everything that seems "imperfect."

Relationships are not perfect. Sometimes you have fun sometimes you don't and it's ok. That's life. We don't live perfect lives. 

If I were you I'd have texted the ex saying I'm busy and can't talk. Then I would have put my phone on silent. Then I would have gotten busy with the boyfriend! No spotting would have stopped me! That's for sure.

Having a long distance relationship gives you so few opportunities to get together, why wasting those opportunities worrying about your ex!!!

What do you mean when you say you wanted it to be perfect?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Sue4473*

I deleted your other thread as it is a duplicate and you are getting input on this thread. You will get better input sticking to one thread per topic.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> I feel bad for you and for what you've been through.
> 
> I wish I could hold your hand and tell you to relax and let things flow.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your words... I wish I had a handle on things.
It’s been 6 months. Just no stress. And I realize I let it get to me...

He stopped sex cause he thought he hurt me and it wasn’t period blood. Plus, he said he wasn’t in the right head space?

I haven’t heard from him when I texted earlier, so either he’s giving us space or just thinking?

I understand things won’t always work. He does communicate and I like that. Ex would say your never suppose to fight and be passive/aggressive towards me.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> *@Sue4473*
> 
> I deleted your other thread as it is a duplicate and you are getting input on this thread. You will get better input sticking to one thread per topic.


Thank you


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I suspect he is confused and concerned about your behaviour and hence is giving you some space.

I had a similar issue with my wife when we first started seeing each other. She used to get massively triggered by her ex (they have a daughter together) and at times it would be all consuming. I was the first relationship she had since she split with him. It took a few heart to hearts about how her behaviour wasn't great and then supporting her in setting some boundaries but we are good now. However, I know many guys wouldn't want that hassle so would just walk away.

You need to realise that your ex is just some text on your phone screen and when you have ascertained that it isn't an emergency relating to your son you can just choose to ignore him until it is convenient for you. Remember, his relationship with his son in his problem, not yours.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Thank you


Sue, do you have any answer to my question...? And do you have any more details about what is happening between you now?

You asked if everyone thought you ruined things with him, but you haven't given very many details about what happened, so it's really hard to answer that or help you get some clarity...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Elizabeth001 said:


> She only responds to what she wants to hear.


Yep. Denial. It's a powerful force.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Yep. Denial. It's a powerful force.


Sue would have difficulty navigating a local relationship at this point in her life, much less along distance one. She needs to focus on learning to love herself and her troubled son. I think it is unfair to bring anyone else into her life until she has those two items under better control. 


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Sue, do you have any answer to my question...? And do you have any more details about what is happening between you now?
> 
> You asked if everyone thought you ruined things with him, but you haven't given very many details about what happened, so it's really hard to answer that or help you get some clarity...





LisaDiane said:


> Sue, do you have any answer to my question...? And do you have any more details about what is happening between you now?
> 
> You asked if everyone thought you ruined things with him, but you haven't given very many details about what happened, so it's really hard to answer that or help you get some clarity...


im sorry I don’t remember your question. I guess. He hasn’t texted or responded to my texts, so he’s either avoiding me or still pissy.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sue, I don’t know much. I haven’t read the entire thread. However, as a dude, if I booked a hotel and lost out to an ex that was calling/texting you while it was supposed to be “our time”, I’d be gone for good. Let this be a life lesson as you learn to navigate new relationships. However, you have to be OVER the drama of the old ones. Good luck to you!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> im sorry I don’t remember your question. I guess. He hasn’t texted or responded to my texts, so he’s either avoiding me or still pissy.


I asked if he was originally supposed to stay for more than one night, or if it was ONLY one night...

If he hasn't responded to any of your texts, you need to STOP texting him and give him some space. You aren't going to cajole and badger him into being interested in you...if a guy is interested, HE will pursue YOU. If he isn't interested, all your chasing isn't going to create those feelings in him.

He might need some space to sort out his feelings about you and what happened...your best chance with him is to give it to him.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I asked if he was originally supposed to stay for more than one night, or if it was ONLY one night...
> 
> If he hasn't responded to any of your texts, you need to STOP texting him and give him some space. You aren't going to cajole and badger him into being interested in you...if a guy is interested, HE will pursue YOU. If he isn't interested, all your chasing isn't going to create those feelings in him.
> 
> He might need some space to sort out his feelings about you and what happened...your best chance with him is to give it to him.


No it was just one night: he got to the hotel before noon Saturday and left Sunday


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> No it was just one night: he got to the hotel before noon Saturday and left Sunday


I’m leaving him alone... if it’s meant to be then it will be.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, since you seem to ignore a lot of the responses, I'll just take another stab at this. Are you in counseling to address and deal with past abuse?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Well, since you seem to ignore a lot of the responses, I'll just take another stab at this. Are you in counseling to address and deal with past abuse?


Will be first of year.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Sue4473 
In the kindest of intentions and hopefully the compassion and non-judgmental thoughts come through. 

It may be best for you to put this guy behind you and accept it very likely will never be.

But take the whole experience as a positive learning and growing experience. 

Don't blame yourself don't blame him. Stop texting him for sure.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Sue4473
> In the kindest of intentions and hopefully the compassion and non-judgmental thoughts come through.
> 
> It may be best for you to put this guy behind you and accept it very likely will never be.
> ...


He texted last night- we chatted like normal, so I’m not going to say anything more about the past weekend. Not sure where we will go from here. I will most definitely work on myself and my fears, insecurities


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> He texted last night- we chatted like normal, so I’m not going to say anything more about the past weekend. Not sure where we will go from here. I will most definitely work on myself and my fears, insecurities


Trying to say this in a nice way, but you’d be doing him a favor if you allow him to walk away from the “hot mess” now and work on yourself first. If he’s still there when you are in a better mental frame of mind to date, then it was meant to be.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Trying to say this in a nice way, but you’d be doing him a favor if you allow him to walk away from the “hot mess” now and work on yourself first. If he’s still there when you are in a better mental frame of mind to date, then it was meant to be.


Oh I’m not taking it wrong. I know there are things I need to work on. If he cares for me then he and I will work through it together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Oh I’m not taking it wrong. I know there are things I need to work on. If he cares for me then he and I will work through it together.


You letting your ex text you about non emergency things and more importantly letting it affect the one day you are spending witj this dude in 6 months isn't something for you to _work through together_, that is something YOU need to solve.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sue...I’m going to try again. Do you even realize that your biggest problem is you? Do you know or even care that YOU are your own worst enemy? Wake up woman!

You do NOT DESERVE a GOOD man right now! 

That sounds terrible doesn’t it? It sounds bad because it’s TRUTH.

Get your sh*t together girl. Until you do, sh*t is all you’re going to get!

Why in the world would you think that you would magically get a good man if you can’t provide them a good woman in return? 

Step back.

Self reflect.

Self heal.

Self love.

Calm the f*ck down.

Take care of what you already signed up for (your son).

Get your life priorities straight.

Self love again. You can’t love someone else truly until you love yourself wholly.

And when you’ve achieved all that, then seek a companion.

You are being totally unfair to any man you meet right now. Stop being their dating nightmare. I have met so many men that tell me they just ditched a mental nightmare JUST LIKE YOU. 

Never ask from any man what you cannot return. Do YOU want an unstable basket case from your man? THINK about it!

_lizzy lays down the 2 x 4_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And to my TAM family:

That shat just wore me out cause yous guys know I don’t even bother with all those words and stuff. UGH!!!

I needs me some 


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update:
As I go into 2021: I’m going to try and improve myself. I don’t agree with that I’m doing this guy a favor if I just exit his life.
There was/ is a strong level of care there.

its been a few days since we’ve talked, and I’m just distancing myself to see what I want to do. I’ve found that just being quiet and just reflecting helps. It’s back to work tomorrow and I will be distracted and this is a good thing. I do miss him though.
But I have to think of myself and what I need right now. And what I need to do


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> If he cares for me then he and I will work through it together.


I don't think it's fair to the guy. He has nothing to do with your previous relationship and the baggage you carry from it.

I just imagine my son dating someone with your baggage and history and I would tell my son to run!!! RUN, FORREST, RUN!! And don't look back!!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> Update:
> As I go into 2021: I’m going to try and improve myself. I don’t agree with that I’m doing this guy a favor if I just exit his life.
> There was/ is a strong level of care there.
> 
> ...


Good to hear Sue. Im sure the bulk of us here want you to be happy & fulfilled, regardless of how it sounds sometimes. A LOT of us had to step back and learn to self-love too & that didn’t happen overnight. 

Thank goodness for TAM  Free group therapy! 


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes Sue, you are incredibly paranoid and exceptionally overly analytical of e eruthing this guy says and does.
Yet you don’t EVER look at his actions.

You have a man that spent ONE NIGHT with you and basically left early. There is no way you should date a man that can only see you one day in 6 months. You are so needy in reinforcement of feelings by a man, you need one that lives a block over, has no kids or pets, and a trust fund. 
But seriously, you need more than this guy is giving. Even with therapy, you’ll likely be paranoid and insecure to an extent, and I hate that for you.
Try not to fret too much about the not so great date. He will have 6 months to prepare for the next one.

You’ve got to break this off and find a man who wants to give you constant attention. That’s what you need. Get it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’ve got to break this off and find a man who wants to give you constant attention. That’s what you need. Get it.


And that would be a good thing, or semi-functional co-dependency? Does it really work, two needy people getting together? I honestly don't know. I think many of us go through needy periods in life, sometimes alternating with our spouses, but I'm not sure about the two coinciding.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I don’t understand the notion she should break up with him to protect him from her not being ready to date or whatever. He’s a grown up, has seen what he’s seen, and can make his own decision. That’s his job, not hers.

I’d agree her taking a step back, for her own benefit, could be beneficial to her, and is something she should consider. But, maybe that is a question best addressed in therapy.

Now that they are in their respective homes, if they both want to continue, perhaps they can talk about what went down, what they each regret and should have done differently, and what they individually are going to do about it.

As long as the two are in relationship, they might as well endeavor to get better at it, and that probably includes talking about what better looks like.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes Sue, you are incredibly paranoid and exceptionally overly analytical of e eruthing this guy says and does.
> Yet you don’t EVER look at his actions.
> 
> You have a man that spent ONE NIGHT with you and basically left early. There is no way you should date a man that can only see you one day in 6 months. You are so needy in reinforcement of feelings by a man, you need one that lives a block over, has no kids or pets, and a trust fund.
> ...


yeah some things look really weird as I sit in my quiet moments. I’m not sure what he wanted as our “one” night was quickly done.

Maybe I’m the casual partner that he visits here and there, but I need more. Not necessarily someone a block over lol but someone who would love to see me just for an hour lunch and drive back.

I think I’m done for awhile though, at 47 it’s best to just stay single. I’ve done online dating, dated a lot, and honestly just need to be done for awhile.

Thank You all.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Sue4473 said:


> yeah some things look really weird as I sit in my quiet moments. I’m not sure what he wanted as our “one” night was quickly done.
> 
> Maybe I’m the casual partner that he visits here and there, but I need more. Not necessarily someone a block over lol but someone who would love to see me just for an hour lunch and drive back.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't write yourself off yet! However, I think a break from dating so you can get in the right place to be clear in what you want and have good boundaries in place is a great idea before starting up again.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When is enough enough Sue? My gosh, for seven months you have stressed yourself trying to make things work, and it just isn't happening. You had such high expectations that once you reconnected physically with him everything would be great, but it ended being a disappointment.

A relationship shouldn't cause you so much stress, so much disappointment, so much unhappiness. It just isn't working, why can't you accept that and move on?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cooper said:


> When is enough enough Sue? My gosh, for seven months you have stressed yourself trying to make things work, and it just isn't happening. You had such high expectations that once you reconnected physically with him everything would be great, but it ended being a disappointment.
> 
> A relationship shouldn't cause you so much stress, so much disappointment, so much unhappiness. It just isn't working, why can't you accept that and move on?


She is the one who caused the issue with the meeting, though, letting texts _from an ex_ about non emergency stuff alter her mood and ability to be in the moment with this guy. Anyone she was dating would probably have an issue with that.

I know I would!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He got some sex and took off early the next morning is what I’m seeing. He could have said,” hey Sue, turn that damn thing off and spend some time with me”, or “sue, I’m feeling a little lonely here with all the phone business”......,, She would have gotten off the phone, or he could have hit the road with good reason. The only thing that amazes me is how much time he was investing texting and calling her for 6 months. Surely nobody would do that for some sex once every 6 months if they weren’t interested.
It does sound as if Sue is just so over the top anxious, it would drive someone away.
But a guy that is really into her, he would be interested in snuggling and talking after the sex. Sounds like he got that and the interest level plummeted.

no matter what, a guy you can only see one in 6 months—— that is ridiculous and not worth it whatsoever.
That’s about the same as a pen pal. Utterly useless in the scheme of things.

he made a plan to spend only a NIGHT with her in 6 months. If she goes for that, she is really crazy. He sounds like he was ready to go right after he finished with the anatomy lesson. JMO


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree it's useless and they should each find someone to date in their respective zip codes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sue, take a breather and then find a local guy. Join clubs or a meet-up group....I have a guy friend who met his gf there and says meet-up is the reason he wasn't sitting alone at home after his divorce.

I met ny guy at a bike club and he pursued me. He actively sought me out whenever he had free time and wanted to see me after work and on weekends.....here we are two years later and we spend 4-5 nights a week together. He says he always looks forward to when we can spend more time together. When we're not together we text regularly about our days.

It's great and you can find this too....just look around locally and let a guy pursue you a bit.

FYI, I'll be 47 is April so we're on the same page.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update-
Not really a update, but to say I’ve recently started therapy. It’s through zoom but we haven’t really got into the meat of my life etc.
After the last hoorah with my guy- communication has drifted or it’s my overthinking. I’ve stepped back and texted him a few times here and there. He recently has gone through some bad weeks at his job and his ex wife and kids stepdad are really sick bad with Covid. I’ve let him know I’m here and that’s all I can do. I don’t want us to be over. I want to work on myself so I don’t take everything that happens- ( him not texting for days) or anything as him not wanting to be with me

I do miss him so much I did get him a Valentine’s Day card, but not sure yet if I will send it. Just wanted to give y’all an update.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Update-
> Not really a update, but to say I’ve recently started therapy. It’s through zoom but we haven’t really got into the meat of my life etc.
> After the last hoorah with my guy- communication has drifted or it’s my overthinking. I’ve stepped back and texted him a few times here and there. He recently has gone through some bad weeks at his job and his ex wife and kids stepdad are really sick bad with Covid. I’ve let him know I’m here and that’s all I can do. I don’t want us to be over. I want to work on myself so I don’t take everything that happens- ( him not texting for days) or anything as him not wanting to be with me
> 
> I do miss him so much I did get him a Valentine’s Day card, but not sure yet if I will send it. Just wanted to give y’all an update.


Aw hon, I feel for you. Yes you overthink, and are anxious and paranoid about things that aren't there, but this guy has messed you around for MONTHS now. Ten percent of this is on him - the rest is on you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, for this to have any real shot at working, you have to spend more time together. And there has to be an end date in mind for the long distance factor. Without those two things there's honestly no point in continuing honey. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth.

You also need to set boundaries with your ex - if that means you block him, then that's what you need to do. Obviously unblock if you need to contact him re your son.

The biggest thing that you need to remember is that whatever happens, _you will be ok._ You'll be more than ok, you'll be just fine. You've endured an abusive relationship, a divorce and are now a single mum working full time. Sister, you've got this, you CAN do it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sue, what is the Svengali hold you have with this guy? He’s a long distance relationship, you met up once and the sex was terrible. You are still emotionally attached to your ex. This long distance guy doesn’t have a prayer. I think this is a good starting point for your new counselor.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

After the last meeting fiascal didn't he say something to the affect that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to keep trying because it was too hard and not worth it? Why isn't that enough for you to back off and let things end? You're trying to ride a dead horse and it's getting you nowhere.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Cooper said:


> After the last meeting fiascal didn't he say something to the affect that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to keep trying because it was too hard and not worth it? Why isn't that enough for you to back off and let things end? You're trying to ride a dead horse and it's getting you nowhere.


No he didn’t say he wanted to end it. He said I can’t keep over reading everything he says or texts. He wanted me to move past it and not hash it out, but he never said let’s end it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sympathies from one overthinker to another.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sue, maybe this will give you a chuckle to help lighten your mood.
When I saw the subject of this thread, I thought "Oh no another porn thread"!
I DO hope that your therapy will help you along. The overthinking stuff is hurting YOU just as much as the relationship.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Sue, maybe this will give you a chuckle to help lighten your mood.
> When I saw the subject of this thread, I thought "Oh no another porn thread"!
> I DO hope that your therapy will help you along. The overthinking stuff is hurting YOU just as much as the relationship.


😆😆😆
That is hilarious!!!
Thank you for that!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sue4473 said:


> No he didn’t say he wanted to end it. He said I can’t keep over reading everything he says or texts. He wanted me to move past it and not hash it out, but he never said let’s end it.


""I looked at him and said I just wanted things to be so perfect. And you don’t know how much I’ve missed you and wanted you here like crazy!
He says I don’t feel like you do. Especially last night. I say what can I do to fix it?
You can’t fix it. What’s done is done. Move on. Then I say- you want to move on and not continue?
That’s what I’m talking about! You not listening. Move on as in it’s a pretty day- what’s done is done.""

The above post is what I was referring to. To me that sounds like a man wanting to end things, especially considering he said it as he was leaving early after a disaster of a meeting.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Cooper said:


> ""I looked at him and said I just wanted things to be so perfect. And you don’t know how much I’ve missed you and wanted you here like crazy!
> He says I don’t feel like you do. Especially last night. I say what can I do to fix it?
> You can’t fix it. What’s done is done. Move on. Then I say- you want to move on and not continue?
> That’s what I’m talking about! You not listening. Move on as in it’s a pretty day- what’s done is done.""
> ...


I just read what I typed and left out the move on meaning you don’t want to see me?
Move on as in it’s a pretty day etc. he got mad cause he said I was trying to overthink what he said. Lol
He’s right! I did and he just meant the tiff is over and next time will he better


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> I just read what I typed and left out the move on meaning you don’t want to see me?
> Move on as in it’s a pretty day etc. he got mad cause he said I was trying to overthink what he said. Lol
> He’s right! I did and he just meant the tiff is over and next time will he better


Not sure what will happen, but we still are talking. I’m going to continue therapy and take it one step at a time


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