# I Still Can't Move On After Her Affair.



## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Hello

My wife had an affair over 6 years ago and I'm still struggling with it. While 6 years probably sounds excessive, in reality as I work away from home over half the year then we have not had all that time to deal with it. I am aware of all the advice to not go into the why/where/when and all that which I understand, but there are still a few issue's which are preventing me from moving on with our marriage.

For an overview of what I had to deal with: a very happy 6 years together then only 13 months married when she had her first drunken fumble with a family friend (her close friends HB), to which they had one phonecall afterwards to say it would be kept quiet and wasn't to happen again. I come home from work a week later and everything is generally fine, but she was particularly 'cold' with me at nights - I remember saying this just before I left for work again.
A week later she is out with friends and gets drunk (we're not normally drinkers but enjoy an occasional social drink), then calls him to meet and, well his wife caught them in my bed. When I called early in the morning she is still drunk and mumbles about a fallout with them but denies any cheating - bells start ringing so I manage to catch flights etc. and get home to her absolute surprise, when she admits this 'once only' drunken fling. Of course it wouldn't happen again etc.
At this point I try imagine myself there as I have been very drunk myself, so I think it probably meant nothing to her and decide to try and make us work.
A few weeks later I go back to work, then 2 weeks later, a couple of days before I'm due home I get a phonecall that she's crashed the car. No problem I thought, she's ok - but 'he' had damaged his eye. I get home and start asking questions to be told that as I and his wife had banned them from talking while we sorted our minds and relationships then they needed to talk for closure - but they'd crashed the car on route before talking. I ask her if she want's to me to invite him past for her to complete this and she agree's - but I set a voice recorder. I genuinely thought I was going to be reassured by what I heard but instead I heard her saying "I didn't tell him 'it' had happened before", and various stuff to ensure they had their story right about them talking for closure.
Next morning after a struggle I got admission. Of course it was 'only' once before and it had been drunk and meant nothing.
I obtained her cellphone records and realise there were over a hundred texts/calls in a few weeks, and then she admits she had been going to payphones aswell so I couldn't see other calls.

While previously I did the don't do's and asked why and details etc., but I always met a wall of lies and denial. I finally manned up a few months ago and said it wasn't working and that her 'wall' had meant I couldn't tell if she properly acknowledged what she did which would hopefully enable me to believe she regretted it enough to move forward with me and her not to go down that route again.
As she now realises it won't go away without her talking, she is now talking. She say's it was twice they were in the bedroom, and that she had never found him an attraction before, during or after the affair. She says she felt excited when the cell texts came in and the phonecalls. I wonder if the EA happened after the PA. She has admitted that she would never have ever told me anything if it weren't for the fact that I found out by recording, him being injured in the car, or if I put the jigsaw together in such a way that she knew her lies were rumbled - she actually thought this was her telling me what I needed to hear!

I'm sorry for going on so long but it is strangely therapuetic writing it knowing it might be read by someone who has been though this unfortunate ordeal before. I've never mentioned it to anyone other than the other couple and of course my wife. While I accept I will never know why it happened, I am totally confused as yes we had normal ups and downs during our 6 year courtship, and we were both still very much in the honeymoon spirit right up until her fist encounter with him (she say's this is what she herself struggles to understand). I think it would be easier for me if she could pick fault and blame me in some way but she says I was always fine - that before the affair 'we' were perfect. We're not rich but we don't have to worry about finances. She say's that although I work away from home, she always trusted me 100% as she knows I missed her so much and ensured she knew it (is this where I went wrong?) - I definately have never given her any reason to doubt this, she really was my world.

I don't know if the above can indicate where we were, but if anyone has managed to get this far then I'd like to ask, in your opinions, whether it really is possible this affair is likely to have started with a genuinely regretful drunken ONS, and then further go into an EA? Would the emotional side not require to have been there first? For me it is the EA that is the worst.

I guess some will wonder why I am still with her? Because I still loved her for a long time after - I only found out the extent of their deceit over a long period of time. I guess I always hoped she could give me the answers I now know I'm unlikley to get. I think deep down I still do love her but I'm finding it harder to feel it. I try to imagine being told this story from someone else and I think I would be saying - get out! But I didn't.

Do you feel I am foolish to still be with her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No your not, I stayed. and I'm glad I did.

We all have are reason for doing the same thing you did, and each one is most likely different. Granted there are folks ou there that will disagree.

So back to all the resentment you hold on to.
For me I'm am gald and you have validated the point in why I needed to know everything. Even though my W didnt understand. At the time my thought were not what I would be going through in 6 years from now, but the thoughts that were going through my head right when I confronted her. All the sucking and f*cking and with who. It was crazy I want ansewrs now!

I told her this was not going away..she even asked "do we have to do this now" I told her yes that I wanted it out in the open and my wife was in a loose loose sitch. so if she wouldn't talk I was gone and if she told me to much that I could handle it , I was gone. 

Well I made the dumb promise that no matter what she told me I wouldn't leave her. So I got the how many, the were, and the
whens, even got the who.

As wild as her stories were I did find them interesting, she had some what of an adventure the last 13 years. Any way after her disclousure I fond some peace and felt like it was all out there.

I have gotten past the sex clubs and the twoways, there was even a couple of EA that lasted for months, one was even reignited recenty. But I'm over it, shes over it. I really believe her spilling the beans was the best course of action.

I think thats my whole point she spilled the beans told me more then I really wanted to know but you know what its out there it no longer is part of my imagination. I know why she did it and I except that fact and I can move on.

I do have one issue, the good friend, that one was the toughest one. I will kick his [email protected]@ if I ever see him again, just out of princapal. 

Granted I sit here and type about how I got over it with my W openess, but there is still one issue I have and that finding that old friend and having some words.
Well thats between him and me, as far as my wife goes we are moving on, I know what I need to know, and more importantly I know how to prevent it from happening again.

Good luck, you are not alone by any means. Maybe some openess on her part will help IDK, maybe ask a pro. The thing about MC is they bring alot of perspective if they help you go back, if they don't...go find another one.

Again good luck. I hope the both of us will get over this crap some day.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

the guy said:


> No your not, I stayed. and I'm glad I did.
> 
> We all have are reason for doing the same thing you did, and each one is most likely different. Granted there are folks ou there that will disagree.
> 
> ...


First, the guy, all I have to say is damn, sex clubs and you still stuck around? You really live up to your name because you definitely are the guy if you can withstand that. 

Anyway, both agree and disagree with you. If he wants to work it out then work it out but the relationship has been seriously tarnished and likely destroyed. They're going to have to start over, and when I say start over I don't mean start again. Starting over means walking away from what's broken, their marriage, so that they can build something new and better. Basically, he's going to have to create a new relationship, the difference is now she's the one that's going to have to woo him. She has to find her way back to being a married woman and let her know that if she wants to be married, it's going to take a lot of work from her. Not him, he just needs to work on hisself so that he'll be a stronger for the new relationship wether it's with her or someone else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes I agree you do start all over agian, you get it all out there and take care of the issues head on. Once it all there to be looked at learned from and handle the issues, you then strat from scratch with the same person but with different behaviors.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

the guy, you must be a very brave man being able to continue moving forward after knowing such detail. I'm 100% with you though in that I believe if there are secrets held from us because in my opinion it is a sign that they are still not willing to accept the actions they themselves chose to take and no willing to recognise complete responsibility (for their actions, but not necessarily for why they went there in the first place depending on circumstances). I struggle to understand how they can expect us to accept them and what they did when they cannot themselves open up and try to give all to their marriage i.e. not hold secrets which are pertinent to the whole problem. As to your comments on revenge (if that's what seeing your ex-friend is) then I won't say I never consider it, but would be unlikely to bother doing anything violent as I think that the only person who should have been commited to me was my adulterous wife. He and his wife are their own problem - but there is a hint at revengeful thoughts below.

MisguidedMiscreant, I'm not fully sure if the 2nd part of your reply was to me or the guy, but there's a some relevant issue's you mention there. Maybe the writing below might explain?

Thankfully I'm at a stage where the initial kneejerk reaction type anger and actions are long gone. Yes of course there is still anger, but more in her lack of acceptance to the situation even after I feel I have proved to her that I am still in it for the long haul.
I've gone through various stages with my thoughts over the years. Initially as I had not realised her emotions had got involved, I concentrated on going ahead with our dreams. We had discussed marriage with a view to starting a family to which the 'trying' started just days before our wedding, and then in my confusion I still wanted to carry on with this (I would never recommend this to anyone until your minds are sorted out - it creates it's own problems later on). My first child was born nearly 2 years after the affair and while I was and still am so happy to have her, I then went through an angry stage at the thought that I had been so stupid to close the door to any chance of a clean break if I required it. Then I was so happy to be a Dad and kidded myself I could forget about the affair to make our family work so 18 month later our 2nd child was born but sadly died the same day - this was devastating and we mostly managed to put everything aside to give each other the required comfort. The emotional stresses were haywire at this time but we wanted another child so bad that we soon had our 3rd child on his way, then six months into the pregnancy I realised that the thought of babies and it being part of a normal family life that I had always wanted had somehow hidden or possibly was able to take my minds focus off the affair. I searched myself to see how I was feeling, and stopped telling my wife at that stage that I no longer loved her (it was 'amazing' that some how my wife must've realised she no longer loved me at exactly the same time - yes, it's sarcasm). My child was born and focus then returned to him.

I now look back and consider how completely selfish to my children and my wife I had been, but there was never any deliberate intentions. We now have our 2+2 family that was part of our dreams, and life is generally good as we mostly get on very well, certainly civil and we do family things. I've just never been given anything which could help put closure on it as there is nothing that I know which she just came out and confessed as I had to basically force every bit of information from her. She never realised that I was looking for her to let go of the affair by way of telling the secrets, and now that she has started talking (she is only now deeper explaining what I already know) she says that I already know everything so there's nothing more to confess - I'm feeling that my chance of believing her and then closure may now be gone.

While as I said at the top that it is only my wife who had a commitment to me, the actions of his wife have caused me hurt aswell. When we initially found out we met to talk and she said that OM had persuaded her not to tell me and didn't think she would have - she was told it was unfair to hurt me uneccessarily. The OM then called my wife (before I got home) and said not to say anything to me, but as I arrived home unexpectedly then my wife must've assumed I already knew so confessed to this 'ONS'. The other wife simply said what her suspicions were which caused her to go to my house and walk into the bedroom (the back door was unlocked and they were friends so it previously was ok to walk in), then confirmed they were mid-romance. That is all she will say or wants to discuss - she said she doesn't want to think about if it'd happened before as she just wants to forget about it - and I have respected her wishes. What makes me angry is that she has totally let her husband off without barely any agro whatsoever. She still thinks it was only a drunken ONS and so he has not had any difficulties - this is one thing my wife did tell me as OM said it plenty during their phone/texting. Apparently after about three days after I found out about them being together more than once OM had asked her how it was going, and when my wife said it had been a bad day OM had said 'is he still going on about it'! His wife then turned nasty against me (and obviously my wife) which I guess was her way of dealing with it - the OM did try to put all blame onto my wife, which as my wife says she can't remember then I'll never know.
For this, I consider revenge in that I occasionally consider writing a long letter (I should maybe use this forum thread) telling everything that I know. At the car crash site OM said to my wife that he was pretty sure his wife wouldn't leave him, but OM was panicking incase she did as he would lose the house and business he was just starting to build up - and this is now very tempting to try and throw a spanner in the works as he is actually getting quite successful (I'm not jealous of his success, I just feel that would have maximum impact on him). I know the OM's wife is also innocent in the affair, but she really did turn nasty over the years (to my wife I can allow, but I am also innocent and I respected her wishes).

So obviously I am not without fault for the confusion and problems of the post affair years, but the issues between us always centred around her continuation to hold their secrets - if there was nothing bad left then why not just let it out???? (a short rant!). The secrets are 'theirs', and have not been shared with me so that is like them holding onto some thing or thoughts on their times together.
I do consider that my marriage does not exist and more consider it a live in relationship as I refuse to recognise my 2nd and subsequent wedding anniversaries, we just act like they were just another day. To start over in an imaginary new marriage with her possibly would be nice but I will never allow this without firstly believing she wanted to let go of the affair.

Do some of you manage to just simply accept what happened without explanation and move on, or do you all need to know there is closure, like I'm trying to explain I do above?

Thanks for reading. I never realised I had wrote so much until I read over it.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

HungUp said:


> the guy, you must be a very brave man being able to continue moving forward after knowing such detail. I'm 100% with you though in that I believe if there are secrets held from us because in my opinion it is a sign that they are still not willing to accept the actions they themselves chose to take and no willing to recognise complete responsibility (for their actions, but not necessarily for why they went there in the first place depending on circumstances). I struggle to understand how they can expect us to accept them and what they did when they cannot themselves open up and try to give all to their marriage i.e. not hold secrets which are pertinent to the whole problem. As to your comments on revenge (if that's what seeing your ex-friend is) then I won't say I never consider it, but would be unlikely to bother doing anything violent as I think that the only person who should have been commited to me was my adulterous wife. He and his wife are their own problem - but there is a hint at revengeful thoughts below.
> 
> MisguidedMiscreant, I'm not fully sure if the 2nd part of your reply was to me or the guy, but there's a some relevant issue's you mention there. Maybe the writing below might explain?
> 
> ...


The second part was about you talking to him, sorry, that was rude. Here's a few things that I'm thinking:

1.) To hell with your wife, you were the one that was cheated on so you are the one that needs closure. You decide when everything is ok since you are the injured party in this scenario. 

2.) To hell with him, he shouldn't be worried about anything since he chose to mess with another man's wife so he put it all at risk, he must be ok with it. The only thing he'd have to worry about if I were in your shoes is a thorough, efficient, and otherwise consistent a$$-whupping being that he was a friend of the family. That's low. 

3.) To hell with the OM's wife, she's kinda burying her head in the sand and leaving things open for him to do it again. You're right, I wouldn't contact her again. Experience is the teachers of fools, she'll learn one way or another. 

As far as starting over, it doesn't have to be an imaginary relationship. If you think it's necessary and you can stomach the risk of being without her of your kids being without her, divorce and then start as if you met each other for the first time or just knew each other and decided to start dating. I only say this because whatever your marriage was, it's gone.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

so true MM, so true.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant, thanks for your reply again. I'm sorry I don't have time just now to fully digest your post as I'm supposed to be working, but a quick thought on point 3.) is, I don't really care about the OM's wife's feelings anymore but I once did. While I don't think it would now happen I would wonder if her knowing what really went on would make her keep a better eye on him - I work away from home for half of every month, so I have no idea what could be happening in my absence. They still live next door which doesn't help matter's, and the OM's wife thinks my wife initiated that supposed ONS - so her husband can walk around without further suspicion, possibly right into my house! It's really too many years gone past to really believe that would make a difference, but it kind of shows where my screwed up mind is.

A brief explanation in why the OM's wife is so useless, is that the morning after they were 'discovered', OM went out with friends to play a game of golf - this is where he phoned my wife to let her know his wife wasn't going to tell me, and that there would be no need to do so. I would have expected OM and his wife would have some serious talking to do, but as I previously mentioned she just wanted to pretend it never happened.
OM's wife does his business accounts and probably hasn't noticed the hundreds of cell texts - I did find out OM thought there was too much communication on his business cell so got a 2nd phone just for their 'self councelling'.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Ok, my spirits are up a bit as we have found ourselves a MC who says he has helped many people with trust issue's. I don't really know what to expect and I'm not expecting a quick fix but it's a start for us, hopefully in the right direction.

Since first posting what after reading over it all appears more like a novel, or to me like a horror, I have been feeling like it was all just yesterday. I have been heavily discussing it 'all again' with my wife, which as she doesn't yet know I've been on this forum then she must be wondering what triggered it so forcefully - but MisguidedMiscreant, your absolutely right "to hell with her' (well, more to hell with protecting her feelings as I'm still unsure I want her in hell, yet )

So to finally reply to point 1.) Yep. I just hope I don't fall back into 'sucker mode' just too soon.
2.) No arguements there. I was actually thinking that knowing his panic incase she did leave and then he lost the business was actually a positive thing for me. Knowing what will hurt most is advantageous. The jury is still out on whether I really want to carry this out as whether I could cope with the affair being exposed could add other problems. I see the plus and negative side to this.
3.) As above. If she had known then maybe she wouldn't have let him lock the door while in the bath so he could continue the texts/EA. Or at least it could have closed down opportunities.
4.) Well there wasn't a 4 listed but I'll take the last bit as 4. That is a very good point on how to start again. Yes my marriage is gone in my mind, there's only a bit of paper, a very expensive bit of paper tying implying we (are) married. My wife has actually discussed this with me early on which gave me slight confidence in her commitment to stay, but my family upbringing gives me serious pressure to not get divorced - I really believed in marriage. Now though I'm in the real world but I still doubt I would (unless I was out for good) as I have to accept that I chose to have children AFTER knowing about her affair. My two smiley faces are the innocent, and very real victims aswell should I do that just to fake a repair on my emotions.

I so wish I had known about this site or similar when I first discovered all of it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I applaud you guys, i really do, to find out so much and still stick it through. When you are young or atleast young in your marriage, you say, i'll NEVER stay in she.... I was like that until i had to think through things, and especially read hundreds of threads on here. I'm willing to stay through a EA and even a PA... if i'm a huge reason for it happening. IE, if i'm acting like a douch, and or am being cold around the house, neglectful to her feelings, then i feel my actions contributed to this affair.

With that being said, if i treat my wife the way i treat her now, with trust, honesty, respect, love, cheerishing and she still goes out and cheats, i really have to take a step back and ask myself if i want to continue, because i'd see her cheating as selfish and a character flaw. I say this, even after having 3 kids. To me, if you can cheat, and everything is good on the home front, what are you going to do when we start really going through some drama. You can forgive, but how do you gain the trust back? How does your mind not wander when you call her while she's out and she doesn't pick up? Or if she's supposed to be back by a certain time and is 1/2 hour late. That is what would bother me the most, because my mind's eye would picture her being up to no good.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Rob774, Some of your points are exactly where a lot of my issue's stem from. One minute life is great, then the next you are devastated. Prior to marriage we definately did say the "if you cheat I'm off", and all the rest but I now fully believe that we never know how we shall act until faced with the situation. As much as I wouldn't wish to experience this again it has made me realise the 'real' important things in life, which I can now separate from the sacraficial things.

If I've read your post correctly then you struggle understanding why I, and many like me have stayed when it would appear we either haven't been to blame, but more likely that we are unsure how we have contributed to this - I have tried to get my wife to blame me in some way but she assures me that she can't think of anything, but this makes it worse as I sometimes think this must mean she is a cheater by nature (or a slag as I would call it). Your thinking this is understandable as I know I previously had such a strong opinion on us 'suckers' aswell.
Maybe a way to look at it could be that now we have potentially survived the worst marriage situation possible, so there can be nothing else that comes close to testing our union ever again (other than a repeat affair). If someone hasn't been through this then something much less serious could feel like the end of the world to them. Many couples divorce even when no affair has taken place!
As for how I feel when she doesn't pick up the phone, or is late home etc., then of course it can be traumatic, at it's worst immediately after you've just found out about the affair. For several years my wife had to adjust how she lived so that she didn't raise unnecessary imaginary thoughts in my head of what she was up to. Thankfully for this particular topic, time is a great healer. I don't think my wife is cheating now or has done for the past six years, but she still takes care to ensure I don't get unnecessary reminders or worry, and I don't believe she is doing this to throw me off the trail either. As I work away from home then small boulders can become mountains before we get a chance to discuss them.

You mention 'forgive', well I have read so much on the fact we have to forgive before we can move on. But I do not believe this as to forgive that act of betrayal to me is almost like saying it's ok to do it. What I do know is that I have to accept it has happened (of course I have) and that at some point I have to let it go, but only once I feel I can trust her again is this likely to be able to happen.

Additionally, you'll probably have heard that Love is blind'!


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

HungUp said:


> at some point I have to let it go, but only once I feel I can trust her again is this likely to be able to happen.


See your title, and then see what you have wrote here. Also noted that you still live next door to them

So to me, you can't move on because you still can't trust her and you think that the temptation is only a few yards away...

Maybe closure will only be really had if you or they moved, imagine that, do you think you would feel any different if they weren't so close?


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Neil, You have certainly had me thinking for a while and I thank you for that. It's a very good point.

About four or five months after I discovered her affair my wife did suggest moving home as she identified living next door was probably an extra strain. We looked at a few houses and had a family member who wanted to buy our house, then put an offer to buy a house several miles away. Our offer wasn't the highest so we started looking again, but this all takes time. I then realised that unless we moved really far away they would always find a way to meet should they want to, and I also figured that if she did want to continue seeing OM or anybody else then I really would be better without her. This, I'm not proud to say is when I secretly bought hidden CCTV equipment to cover all entrances to my house/property thinking that we live in a very small area (it is very difficult to get around without being seen by somebody we know) so they'd be unlikely to risk being seen, and as I am away from home half the time then my house is a very easy place to meet. Having spent many early morning hours viewing motion recorded footage I was happy I never had cause for concern (many will view this as controlling but I wasn't doing it so much expecting to catch them, but more for reassurance of her promises). The equipment is now sitting in a box somewhere, and I have discussed doing this with my wife who thankfully saw my intentions and thinks it's a positive thing because it was one small step to regaining trust. After I had obtained the cellphone records she didn't think I could get (pre-pay phone) she is now completely transparent with phone/email etc., and says it is fine if I need to do this so it doesn't become an issue, but I really don't bother checking as I know that she would never use anything I know she has for contacting him - the OM had been using a 2nd pre-pay cellphone to hide their contacts, and it's so easy to setup many hidden email accounts.

On re-reading previous posts I realise I imply that I worry about him going to my house, but I also wrote "While I don't think it would now happen", and "It's really too many years gone past to really believe that would make a difference, but it kind of shows where my screwed up mind is." which while I accept it is not clear, I did not mean now. It can be difficult writing things and keeping thoughts from 6, 5, 4, 3 or 2 years ago separate from now. The CCTV took away that worry, or more meant I'd know if I was still being duped.

I do not think she carried the affair on past the car crash, and it's the trust issue with her mind, and her secrets that is holding me back. I feel that if she had just given me all the details in one big confession then I could believe she had fully let go herself, but of course she only told what she was cornered into telling, drip feed fashion. 
Writing all these posts has made me wonder if it is me who now has the problem that requires sorting.

Can I ask if someone will be brutally honest with me and tell me if I appear so screwed up that I may now be the problem in our marriage? Or am I normal?


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

HungUp said:


> Neil, You have certainly had me thinking for a while and I thank you for that. It's a very good point.
> 
> About four or five months after I discovered her affair my wife did suggest moving home as she identified living next door was probably an extra strain. We looked at a few houses and had a family member who wanted to buy our house, then put an offer to buy a house several miles away. Our offer wasn't the highest so we started looking again, but this all takes time. I then realised that unless we moved really far away they would always find a way to meet should they want to, and I also figured that if she did want to continue seeing OM or anybody else then I really would be better without her. This, I'm not proud to say is when I secretly bought hidden CCTV equipment to cover all entrances to my house/property thinking that we live in a very small area (it is very difficult to get around without being seen by somebody we know) so they'd be unlikely to risk being seen, and as I am away from home half the time then my house is a very easy place to meet. Having spent many early morning hours viewing motion recorded footage I was happy I never had cause for concern (many will view this as controlling but I wasn't doing it so much expecting to catch them, but more for reassurance of her promises). The equipment is now sitting in a box somewhere, and I have discussed doing this with my wife who thankfully saw my intentions and thinks it's a positive thing because it was one small step to regaining trust. After I had obtained the cellphone records she didn't think I could get (pre-pay phone) she is now completely transparent with phone/email etc., and says it is fine if I need to do this so it doesn't become an issue, but I really don't bother checking as I know that she would never use anything I know she has for contacting him - the OM had been using a 2nd pre-pay cellphone to hide their contacts, and it's so easy to setup many hidden email accounts.
> 
> ...



I think if you approached your wife as you have written this, you will go a long way to closure.

The fact that she is transparent, understands your previous CCTV need, not hiding things in order to regain your trust shows to me she really wants/wanted to resolve this with you.

I wouldn't say you were screwed up. You openly admit that if you knew the details, it would help. The fact that your wife originally held these back until she was cornered is telling me you need to think about approaching her with it.

Will this cause any stuimbling blocks in your relationship? I don't know, how are things at the moment. Its obvioulsy eating away at you, and if you took the time to explain what you feel about it, adn that you need to know eveything and that it will help you put this all behind you to have a better future (obvioulsy what you find out may well hurt), I would say if your wife really wants this to work too, she would understand your reasoning and come clean. If she doesn't, then well. You either have to force the issue with consequences if she doesn't, or make the decision to live like this for the rest of your life.


Hope this helps you bring about a thought process on how you really want to proceed


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## Sophia21 (Mar 2, 2011)

The reality is, it's best that things turned out this way. Although it hurts to hear it, you must understand that the fault lies within her, and not you. You can't make someone a priority if she keeps you as an option, especially if she was your wife. What kind of wife would play a game of deceit against her own husband? If she genuinely cared about you, and really loved you, none of this would of happened. Sometimes we fall for the wrong people, and I believe that once you understand you truly deserved better, things will eventually work out.


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