# Interesting Youtube video from Esther Perel on Desire



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

If you have not had a chance, the video interview with Ether Perel has some really interesting points regarding desire. 






I am a big fan of her work and have read through (a couple times), her book "Mating in Captivity" 

The video (and book) have some really interesting points on modern day relationships and expectations around sexual desire.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

She has some interesting ideas. I have read her book Mating in Captivity. Not sure about her recommendations. I really do believe in monogamy as the basis for marriage and that anything else can blow up a marriage.

I do feel the following concepts from her have some traction. ".............the ideals of modern marriage are often contradictory: "We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability—all the anchoring experiences. And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk." Perel calls for a more open and honest discussion of monogamy to reconcile this conflict between the erotic and the domestic. ................."


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She gets the analysis right and that is primarily down to "borrowing" other people's work. Her own advice is not as impressive. She has gone on record as saying sometimes affairs help marriages etc. So no, I do not listen much to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> She gets the analysis right and that is primarily down to "borrowing" other people's work. Her own advice is not as impressive. She has gone on record as saying sometimes affairs help marriages etc. So no, I do not listen much to her.


As soon as I learned that she supported the idea that an affair can help a marriage I'm no longer interested in anything she has to say. I am sure there are the rare occurrences of marriages that recovered from affairs and maybe were even stronger than before. IMO that is just dumb luck. However, to even suggest that an affair is an avenue to fixing a marriage is ridiculous and irresponsible.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It is amazing the lengths people will go to in order to justify cheating. Open marriages, polygamy, threesomes, swinging, affairs to “spice” up your marriage. It’s insane. No one HAS to get married. Just don’t get married, it’s so simple. Stay single and you can sleep around all you like.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Stay single and you can sleep around all you like.


And for those who don’t share your opinion, some of them do stay married and sleep around all they like.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

F. - Esther Perel 

but NEVER marry Esther Perel, 

she cheats.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I am not sure Esther Perel actually supports affairs. I think her point is that relationships need a level of mystery and intrigue. She talks about the concept of "the other" (meaning other people), but it is more of the idea that we all need to understand that there can be attraction to others and that we have to be realistic about that. 

In all the books, Ted Talks, and Podcasts I have seen of hers, I do not recall her actually ever endorsing affairs. 

I will agree, she does recycle others concepts in much of her work (such as David Schnarsh)


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I am not sure Esther Perel actually supports affairs. I think her point is that relationships need a level of mystery and intrigue. She talks about the concept of "the other" (meaning other people), but it is more of the idea that we all need to understand that there can be attraction to others and that we have to be realistic about that.
> 
> In all the books, Ted Talks, and Podcasts I have seen of hers, I do not recall her actually ever endorsing affairs.
> 
> I will agree, she does recycle others concepts in much of her work (such as David Schnarsh)


On one hand she says she doesn't advise an affair to fix a marriage, but also says if you do have an affair it may make you marriage stronger. Sounds a little like talking out both sides of your mouth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I am not sure Esther Perel actually supports affairs. I think her point is that relationships need a level of mystery and intrigue. She talks about the concept of "the other" (meaning other people), but it is more of the idea that we all need to understand that there can be attraction to others and that we have to be realistic about that.
> 
> In all the books, Ted Talks, and Podcasts I have seen of hers, I do not recall her actually ever endorsing affairs.
> 
> I will agree, she does recycle others concepts in much of her work (such as David Schnarsh)


I think affairs work very much like rape. It takes away someones agency and removes their ability to make an informed decision, to give informed consent about the future of their life. Someone who frames that as empowering is a monster to me.


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