# My 9 Year Olds behaviour



## mrnice

I have a 9 year old boy who's behaviour is starting to become very out of character.

He is being really nasty, rude, disrespectful.

We havn't got a clue what has triggered it this weekend but I have taken away his skateboard, bike, PS3, scooter. 

And it doesn't seem to bother him AT ALL. 

I don't lose it and go off at him I basically just told him this behaviour isn't on and if continues he will lose his toys etc. 

He continued and lost his things. 

Normally he is a good polite kid. 

I have questioned him in a civil manner as to whats going on. 
And he can't give me an answer. 

He lives with his mother who always talks badly about me 9 nights a fortnight and I get him 5 nights. 

My daughter/his full blood sister is very well behaved most of the time. 

But this is well out of character. 

I know you all don't have a crystal ball but perhaps he's at that age where he is testing his boundaries.


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## EleGirl

How long have you been separated/divorced?

Children test the limits all the time. Maybe he's just making sure that they still exist. He has different rules in different houses. This can be confusing for a child.


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## CLucas976

The only thing I can think of is something I recently brought up to my mom in a conversation about our household and it's occupants.

I explained to her that, every time she "vents" or goes off at one of us (her kids) about her boyfriend, his kids, any of that her using them to get her frustration out, her directing that negative energy to them fuels a fire that then transfers to everyone in the house. i.e. if she's mad at her boyfriend for xyz, which ever of my brothers she vented to now holds xyz against him, and it comes out in how they suddenly treat him. I can take her words and frustrations and be the sounding wall, and NOT turn it into anything but they can't, and it has just fueled a war between sides in our house that's unbearable at times.

I've always been the child that can do that for mom, some can, some can't. My brothers can't, they go into defense mode.

my point is, if your ex is spending that much time talking negatively about you, it's probably directly influencing your son's behavior. Your daughter might be able to shrug it off more, or take it as it is and leave it alone, where as your son can't. He could be holding her words against you and holding some sort of blame against you for whatever it is she has said, and he's not going to tell you that.

Frankly, if that is the case, just make sure you speak nothing harshly about his mother to him, and she needs to handle herself more responsibly. but that's just my 2 cents.


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## mrnice

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been separated/divorced?
> 
> Children test the limits all the time. Maybe he's just making sure that they still exist. He has different rules in different houses. This can be confusing for a child.


2 and half years now. 

I think the taking the toys away has worked this past weekend. 

He promised me last night he wouldn't be rude or nasty anymore. 

We'll see how long it lasts before he tests the boundaries again.


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## EleGirl

How do you know that your ex badmouths you a lot around the children?


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## mrnice

I know she talks ill of me because both my son and daughter have told me, without solicitation.

I think the hardest part is that I want to help him, but he won't open up to me or my new partner(of 2 years), we just keep getting a brick wall or "I dunno". We have tried everything. How can we get him to open up, or do we just leave it and reassure him that we are here for him?

BTW this hasn't been an issue for about 6 months, it's almost like something happened from the last time he was at our house to when he returned.

I have thought about calling his mum to discuss it and try to resolve it together, however based on the last 2.5 years, I really don't think that she can have an adult rational conversation with me.

Any guidance would be appreciated.


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## mrnice

Another thing my 9 year old does is draw pictures of people getting killed. Is this an anger or frustration thing? 

I ask him what the pictures are and he tells me then laughs and waits for my reaction.


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## costa200

As long as he is a boy that's quite usual. Personally i used to draw complete battle scenes about that age. As long as he doesn't like to hurt people or animals its all good.


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## mrnice

costa200 said:


> As long as he is a boy that's quite usual. Personally i used to draw complete battle scenes about that age. As long as he doesn't like to hurt people or animals its all good.


No he doesn't want to hurt people or animals but just enjoys drawing people dieing, lots of blood etc. Perhaps they are kinda like a battle scene some of them.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well for starters I would investigate whether he has got into any chemicals. Kids that age tend to start snuffing things like household chemicals or taking pills that aren't meant for them. 

Another issue is whether he has been playing or watching any kind of new violent media. 

And finally, since it's summer, has he been cut off from his usual social contacts/friends/hobbies/venues and does he have the opportunity to play sports especially if he usually does this during the school year.

I'd also just sit down and ask him, what can you do to make his life easier, because it seems like he is frustrated about something, and give him the chance to tell you exactly what it is he needs.


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## EleGirl

mrnice said:


> No he doesn't want to hurt people or animals but just enjoys drawing people dieing, lots of blood etc. Perhaps they are kinda like a battle scene some of them.


That's too funny. When my son was that age he used to draw the battle scenes.. usually space ship battles with huge ugly space creatures. And yes all the blood....

He was in Catholic school for first grade. One day they had an assignment (in class) to draw a nativity scene. Well when I picked up my son that day a very perplexed teacher showed me my son's drawing... he drew the vampire holy family in the stable.

What can I say?


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## kindi

mrnice said:


> Another thing my 9 year old does is draw pictures of people getting killed. Is this an anger or frustration thing?


As long as you're taking away all his toys, take away any sharp objects and hide all the kitchen knives and other cutting tools.

And don't give them back.


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## EleGirl

mrnice said:


> Another thing my 9 year old does is draw pictures of people getting killed. Is this an anger or frustration thing?
> 
> I ask him what the pictures are and he tells me then laughs and waits for my reaction.


What you might want to do it to take him to a play therapist. They will let him play, draw, etc and from observing him can tell a lot about what is ogin on with him.


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## kindi

mrnice said:


> No he doesn't want to hurt people or animals but just enjoys drawing people dieing, lots of blood etc.


Sounds like your typical sweet 9 year old kid.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Unless he swaps out ink with real blood.


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## that_girl

I would say something is going on at school/day care.

Maybe he's being bullied and has no outlet and no one is helping. Maybe he hasn't asked for help.

in my classroom (5th grade), these sudden changes were either peer related, or home related. usually the child feels out of control of the situation so acts out.

Mom has a bf? Could be struggles with him. Kids are intuitive and catch on to things about people before us adults see it.

The pictures of people dying and being killed...does he see graphic material at your house or his mom's? Is he angry at someone-- peer or family? This is his outlet because he obviously can't control the situation that is bothering him.

Have a deep talk with him. He's 9...9 year olds are smart and know a ton. Ask him about any situations with friends/kids.

The way a child internalizes something is completely different from how adults do it. Also, what we adults may not think of as a big deal, can really effect a child.

Good luck and be calm. have a man to man talk. Treat him like a little man...He's close to puberty...My 10 year old boys and 11 year old boys are FULL of rage and it's typically regarding hormones and situations they cannot control.


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## bkaydezz

mrnice said:


> I have a 9 year old boy who's behaviour is starting to become very out of character.
> 
> He is being really nasty, rude, disrespectful.
> 
> We havn't got a clue what has triggered it this weekend but I have taken away his skateboard, bike, PS3, scooter.
> 
> And it doesn't seem to bother him AT ALL.
> 
> I don't lose it and go off at him I basically just told him this behaviour isn't on and if continues he will lose his toys etc.
> 
> He continued and lost his things.
> 
> Normally he is a good polite kid.
> 
> I have questioned him in a civil manner as to whats going on.
> And he can't give me an answer.
> 
> He lives with his mother who always talks badly about me 9 nights a fortnight and I get him 5 nights.
> 
> My daughter/his full blood sister is very well behaved most of the time.
> 
> But this is well out of character.
> 
> I know you all don't have a crystal ball but perhaps he's at that age where he is testing his boundaries.



What kind of environment is he living in?
When hes with you and then when he is with mom?

You children live what they learn.
They act what they are taught or what they see.
I could be coming from the kids he is around, the way other kids parents act, television, mom, dad, sister.

can you give us some more background on his home life?


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## EleGirl

mrnice said:


> I know she talks ill of me because both my son and daughter have told me, without solicitation.
> 
> I think the hardest part is that I want to help him, but he won't open up to me or my new partner(of 2 years), we just keep getting a brick wall or "I dunno". We have tried everything. How can we get him to open up, or do we just leave it and reassure him that we are here for him?
> 
> BTW this hasn't been an issue for about 6 months, it's almost like something happened from the last time he was at our house to when he returned.
> 
> I have thought about calling his mum to discuss it and try to resolve it together, however based on the last 2.5 years, I really don't think that she can have an adult rational conversation with me.
> 
> Any guidance would be appreciated.


It's really best if your new partner does not try to get involved with his. Many children highly resent the new gf/bf or spouse of their parents. He might feel conflicted because he's protective of his mom.

Get him to a good therapist. Keep the drawings that he does to show.


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## kindi

If you start seeing posters going up around the neighborhood of missing family pets, especially the more docile ones such as rabbits and cats, consider all possibilities.


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## bkaydezz

That might be something that takes him years to recover from.

Children show there grief in different ways and different times.

He passing a stage in his life where he is getting more knowledgable about life and your divorce.

Maybe something set him off to make him act that way this weekend.

Does your ex have a man in the picture? May have something to do with it?


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## EleGirl

Something else that come to mind... it's been a long time since I had children that age so it's taking a while for things to be remembered (or it's the oldheimer's)

One very good way to communicate with a child is to 'mirror pay'... do the same thing they are doing. Say very little to them.. just do the same thing. You will see children doing this with each other all the time. It's like they are communicating via body langue.

So if your son is drawing, get paper and join him. Don't make what you draw too sophisticated (just incase you are an artist). And once in a while just say a word or two about what you are drawing. He might start to mirror you.... 

It's a good way to establish a strong connection with a child and make them feel safe.


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## mrnice

bkaydezz said:


> What kind of environment is he living in?
> When hes with you and then when he is with mom?
> 
> You children live what they learn.
> They act what they are taught or what they see.
> I could be coming from the kids he is around, the way other kids parents act, television, mom, dad, sister.
> 
> can you give us some more background on his home life?


The environment he is subjected to here is stereotypical family life. 

We all have respect for each other, we provide well, we teach respect, we tell each other we love each other. We don't argue, we don't yell at each other, it's not abusive verbally or physical in anyway shape or form. 

We do most things as a little team, we do the one-on-one activities. 

We're all fed well. 

And most of all the kids come first and we never talk badly about my ex.(kids mother)

At his moms house, 

Mom unemployed. 
Drinks a bit. 
She has bi-polar. 
She does talk badly about myself, my new partner and she even talks badly about my partners child (she's never met my partners child)

The kids have been told they're never to discuss what goes on at Dads house UNLESS mom asks. 
And the kids have been told they're never allowed to discuss what goes on at mom's house with Dad. 

The only contact my ex has had with my new partner is when my new partner took it upon herself to introduce herself to my ex one day at sport and she just smirked and said "Hi" and looked the other way. 

A bonus is they live in a 'granny flat' at the back of my ex's parents house, 
Thank god they do as I know my ex. in laws are relatively good people and they know their daughter is a little 'Wayward' to put it lightly. 

My ex. has had NUMEROUS boyfriends, (Friends is what the children refer to them as) my son has even explained to me how he hears "Mommy mucks around in the bed with her friends and make a bit of noise then she gets a sore tummy and goes to the toilet" 

No prizes for guessing what he's describing there. 

Anyways that should help you a bit to give you an idea of the two environments they live in.


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## kate542

Is he being bullied at school, ask him or speak to the school.

My daughter was bulled we didn't know until we had the phone call she had been taken to hospital having overdosed.


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## bkaydezz

mrnice said:


> The environment he is subjected to here is stereotypical family life.
> 
> We all have respect for each other, we provide well, we teach respect, we tell each other we love each other. We don't argue, we don't yell at each other, it's not abusive verbally or physical in anyway shape or form.
> 
> We do most things as a little team, we do the one-on-one activities.
> 
> We're all fed well.
> 
> And most of all the kids come first and we never talk badly about my ex.(kids mother)
> 
> At his moms house,
> 
> Mom unemployed.
> Drinks a bit.
> She has bi-polar.
> She does talk badly about myself, my new partner and she even talks badly about my partners child (she's never met my partners child)
> 
> The kids have been told they're never to discuss what goes on at Dads house UNLESS mom asks.
> And the kids have been told they're never allowed to discuss what goes on at mom's house with Dad.
> 
> The only contact my ex has had with my new partner is when my new partner took it upon herself to introduce herself to my ex one day at sport and she just smirked and said "Hi" and looked the other way.
> 
> A bonus is they live in a 'granny flat' at the back of my ex's parents house,
> Thank god they do as I know my ex. in laws are relatively good people and they know their daughter is a little 'Wayward' to put it lightly.
> 
> My ex. has had NUMEROUS boyfriends, (Friends is what the children refer to them as) my son has even explained to me how he hears "Mommy mucks around in the bed with her friends and make a bit of noise then she gets a sore tummy and goes to the toilet"
> 
> No prizes for guessing what he's describing there.
> 
> Anyways that should help you a bit to give you an idea of the two environments they live in.


ahw:/ its seems he is just seeing alot of things. hearing alot of things. and hes absorbing like a sponge right now in his attitude. i can understand that you are far better off from being with her. i feel bad for your kid. seems like the mother is probably filling his head with alot of things! glad you have a stable home for your family!


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## MonicaM

A child will not react properly to discipline if the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Taking away his things because he is sassy won't help. Instead, keep him by your side. Correct his verbal behavior with the proper behavior. Show him how to behave right by letting him observe you. 

He might be crying out for attention from you. Kids will take any kind of attention they can get. If he wants to spend time with you one-on-one, and he's not getting it, he will act up so you pay attention to him. 

Give him positive attention. Spend quality time with him. And quantity time too. I suspect he misses you. And at this point, he doesn't want to share you. 

If your ex is talking bad about you, then make extra time with your son so you don't give her fodder for her stories. This child may be confused, and he might be wanting to act up so he can tell his mom, so she can keep trashing you. Don't let that happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrnice

MonicaM said:


> A child will not react properly to discipline if the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Taking away his things because he is sassy won't help. Instead, keep him by your side. Correct his verbal behavior with the proper behavior. Show him how to behave right by letting him observe you.
> 
> He might be crying out for attention from you. Kids will take any kind of attention they can get. If he wants to spend time with you one-on-one, and he's not getting it, he will act up so you pay attention to him.
> 
> Give him positive attention. Spend quality time with him. And quantity time too. I suspect he misses you. And at this point, he doesn't want to share you.
> 
> If your ex is talking bad about you, then make extra time with your son so you don't give her fodder for her stories. This child may be confused, and he might be wanting to act up so he can tell his mom, so she can keep trashing you. Don't let that happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Comments taken on board, although I am trying to do this cause it just seems the natural and right thing to do. 

Your last comments are good. Thanks


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