# Long Update - What Now?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Terrible night last night.

My birthday was Sunday. Spent a lot of time with my wife this weekend. We stayed together both nights, but had some time apart during the days. Felt good being together – no arguments, her iPhone was out of sight, things seemed good.

She took me to see a band on Friday night. She was very excited about them. She had seen them a couple of times at a bar she goes to with her cousin that is just a few blocks from her house – they play there every Wednesday. They had sat with her and a female friend once before - there was no one else in the bar. Said she had talked to them and said how nice they were. They are from a nearby town in a different state. 

Wife was very adamant about making out with me at the club that night – and kept telling me how to sit. Looking back, I’m wondering if she was making sure my back was to the band. Wondering if we were putting on some kind of show. She had to walk right in front of them when we left to wave goodbye.

She was texting a lot to a phone number with an area code that matched the town she said this band was from after leaving the house on Sunday. A lot more texts to the same on Monday. I called last night and a man answered. Numbers with this area code started showing up a lot a few weeks ago. I’m guessing she’s texting someone in this band.

I tried calling her last night around 10pm – no answer – straight to voice mail. Then I e-mailed/texted her goodnight at 11pm. Checked back for the next 20-30 minutes. Texted her again – that “this is why I don’t call or text you goodnight” – around 11:30. No reply. Tried calling one last time – no answer. 

Woke up at 4am – felt wide awake. Slept terrible – had the phones by the bed. Called her again – no answer, but she called right back. Said she had fallen asleep around 9pm and that’s the reason she didn’t return my calls or texts. 

When I checked the phone bill this morning there was a new number – that she had called “out” to. They started talking around 9 and literally talked for almost 6 hours over two different calls. I called the number this morning and a man answered. I asked if this was “CVS”.

How do I approach this? I have no smoking gun. We ARE separated. The only rule of our separation was no dating or sleeping with others. Her lease is up at the end of May. 

We are getting along better – it isn’t all bad. She has finally made an effort to put the iPhone away when we are together. She stopped talking to the first two EAs, but seems to just be making new friends.

Should I call a couple of these guys and ask them how they know MY WIFE? Should I confront HER directly? I thought about talking to her Brother – who went through a similar situation with his ex-wife.

I’m so confused. Things feel genuinely good when we are together. She said something last night about wanting to stay with me and the kids for dinner, but I just let it go. We “are” separated, and I was upset about the texts to the other state. 

Maybe if I start responding more positively to her requests to spend time together, she’d have less time for these other guys. Is that a reasonable option – to spend more time together to keep her from getting “bored"???


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

I dont think I am qualified to give advice, but I know how you feel. All I can say, as hard as it is to do, is stop reading so much into things and let her call and text whomever she wants and it will die so much faster than if you make something of it.

Yes, if she wants to spend time with you make time for her. Had I made time for my wife to begin with I wouldnt be in the mess I am in now.

Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm not making any judgments, but if you let her come back; these are the feelings you are going to feel.

This part is my opinion, based on the experiences with my spouse - and I'm pretty sure I've said them before. It doesn't seem that she is invested in changing to serve the marriage. It is more like she is invested in the appearance of change, to make the marriage serve her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I'm not making any judgments, but if you let her come back; these are the feelings you are going to feel.


Deejo - thanks for the advice - but which feelings are you referring to?

Like I said, it feels good when we are together. I just truly have no clue what she's doing while we are apart, other than trying to make educated guesses from the phone bill.

After having what I thought was a really, really great birthday weekend, I felt sick to my stomach when I matched up the area code she'd been calling with this band she's suddenly interested in.

Could be a coincidence, but I doubt it. I really doubt it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> Deejo - thanks for the advice - but which feelings are you referring to?


Doubt. 
Wondering if "could she _really_ lie right to my face about this?"
Confronting her and having her tell you that you are a paranoid, control freak.

Wondering if the closeness and sex is simply to put you more at ease, and make you less untrusting, rather than to actually strengthen your marriage.

You wonder these things and come to the conclusion that you are being paranoid. And then later you find out they were all true.

It sucks more than a little bit.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Not possible for her to be focused on YOU while she is spending 6 hours on the phone with another man. 6 hours is not friend behavior it is romantic behavior. And lying to you and ignoring your repeated calls/texts while on that call is very ugly. 

The actual rules - dating/no dating are not relevant. The emotional focus on other men is VERY relevant and the club/making out in front of other men likely to produce jealousy is frightfully manipulative and in some situations outright likely to create a fight. 

I say this a lot and think it is true. In a marriage both partners should have a healthy fear of each other. This is not the walking on eggshells kind of thing. It is the fear that if you really do something bad they won't tolerate it and will likely hurt you (not physically) very seriously. 

She now respects you enough to actually pay attention when you are together - big improvement. But she is no where near where a spouse needs to be. And I doubt she is going to get there. 



nice777guy said:


> Deejo - thanks for the advice - but which feelings are you referring to?
> 
> Like I said, it feels good when we are together. I just truly have no clue what she's doing while we are apart, other than trying to make educated guesses from the phone bill.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So - what do I do?

Do I call her out on her 6 hour phone call? Tell her I called the number? Tell her my suspicions about the out of state calls?

I had noticed the out of state calls several weeks ago, but I didn't mention anything to her. By being quiet and patient, I "think" I got my answer.

Do I keep giving her the rope and wait for her to hang herself?

And MEM - this respect stuff - am I correct that it is more about ME than her?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What MEM is saying is that despite being separated, she perceives no threat of harm or consequence.

She _believes_ you are going to take her back. And at this point, she is correct. So in short, yes; it is far more about you than it is about her. If this is who she is, flirtatious, desperately needing attention, affection and approval from men - other than you, do you want her back?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> If this is who she is, flirtatious, desperately needing attention, affection and approval from men - other than you, do you want her back?


When I'm around her lately, I feel like this could work, which is better than I felt a few months ago.

Its when I'm not around her that I have my doubts.

Its like Jekyl and Hyde.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't know you - so I cannot say whether the respect thing is you or her. There are men who are assertive and decent and their wives cheat anyway. Some women are not capable of monogamy - just as some men are not capable of it. 

Thing is that she does not respect you. She had this great weekend with you and then gave another man a much higher priority than you by blowing off your texts/calls while on with him. Is this the man in the band? Did she make him jealous kissing you in front of him and then spend 6 hours on the phone with him. You cannot know - she will lie about it. A vast lack of trust is not fixable in my experience. And the lack of clarity will make you crazy with anxiety over time. 

Sorry man. From day one my contention was you deserve better than this. She is now more respectful in your presence but totally NOT behind your back. Which I think means that you have self respect - but she is simply not honest. 





nice777guy said:


> So - what do I do?
> 
> Do I call her out on her 6 hour phone call? Tell her I called the number? Tell her my suspicions about the out of state calls?
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Talked to her over lunch. Called her out on the phone call. Says she gets bored. (It wasn't the other state number - but a divorced man she used to work with). She denies any friendship with these guys in this band. Says she feels sad when I nudge her towards the door when I get home and that she's lonely. I reminded her that even if she was at home, I still have to sleep and go to work, so she'd still need to fill in a lot of time. 

Told her she has two kids - she should never be bored.

Told her we either needed to be truly separated and she can do as she pleases, but no contact. Or, she needs to be open, stop making new "friends", and come clean on any questions I have to help move things forward towards a reconciliation. She made a lot of excuses. Then I hung up on her. 

Even though I was upset, I felt like I was in control.

So then I get a text - she says we are separated and that I shouldn't call her friends anymore. Started to text back that - like her - I can call whomever I please - but figured it would be better if I just let it go for now and let it simmer a bit with her. I think the loneliness hurts her a lot more than the drama and arguing. 

I can stand being alone, but can't tolerate crazy anymore. At least not right now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is this how she was when you were married? Did she try to turn things around and blame you when she behaved badly?





nice777guy said:


> Talked to her over lunch. Called her out on the phone call. Says she gets bored. (It wasn't the other state number - but a divorced man she used to work with). She denies any friendship with these guys in this band. Says she feels sad when I nudge her towards the door when I get home and that she's lonely. I reminded her that even if she was at home, I still have to sleep and go to work, so she'd still need to fill in a lot of time.
> 
> Told her she has two kids - she should never be bored.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

She's always been manipulative - which I can deal with. But she just recently became a liar.

And I can't really compare anything in the past to what's happened this last 9 months or so.

That's part of what makes it so hard to understand. Dated 4 years, married 14.5, then all hell breaks loose. 

Think I've said this before, but she's lied to me more in the last 9 months than the first 14.5 years of marriage.

Of course it sounded a lot better several months ago, when it was only 3 or even 6 months of lying.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is she willing to give up all her male friends totally in order to be in a happy/stable/trust filled marriage with you? 

At this point she has been so deceitful she has forfeited her right to have "male pals". And of course you would have to agree to do the same and give up any female pals. But THAT decision shows the level of commitment needed for a marriage like this to be fixed. If she bristles at that idea - than she has some need for male attention that is not satisfied by you and that is going to cause fidelity problems....



nice777guy said:


> She's always been manipulative - which I can deal with. But she just recently became a liar.
> 
> And I can't really compare anything in the past to what's happened this last 9 months or so.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm off at lunch today to set up a new checking account in my name only. Instead of focusing on trying to get her to do the right thing, I'm going to take "her" approach. I have the RIGHT (her favorite word) to start depositing my check - about 70% of our monthly income - into a separate account. Plus - as she likes to say - '"we're separated." So I think its time it starts to look a little more official.

She's always paid the bills. I need to get control of anything related directly to me, the kids, or the house. Make sure I have all of the account numbers and passwords for paying things online. 

I also suggested she take a "portion" of whats currently in our checking account and set up a new account with her own funds to pay HER bills. Two reasons - to give her a better idea of how her finances will look without ME and to start prepping for a divorce since I don't feel like we are making any progress.

She was mad of course. She was also crying when the kids and I left the house.

Now I just need to be strong and follow through.

I actually thought what I proposed was very fair to both of us. I'm taking most of the income, but I'm also taking most of the bills as I have every intention of keeping the kids and the house no matter what happens. She'll still have access to "most" of our savings - but I'll control my income going forward. 

I think the simple fact that I'm finally taking over something I can truly control - my own paycheck - scares her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Quick update - opening my own checking account and moving a reasonable amount of "our" money into it resulted in only the 4th sincere apology from my wife in the last 10 months and only the 2nd time that she's promised to start working on the marriage and sounded sincere and believable. 

On one hand I'm proud of myself for finally DOING something that was within my limits and that wasn't drastic enough to push her further away. On the other hand, I don't want her to stick around and want to work on things simply because she's realized how difficult her life would be without my income.

Still a long way from home - but feeling a little bit better than I did a week ago.

Also feel better because the account sets me up to privately and quickly make other changes if needed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> On one hand I'm proud of myself for finally DOING something that was within my limits and that wasn't drastic enough to push her further away. On the other hand, I don't want her to stick around and want to work on things simply because she's realized how difficult her life would be without my income.


Good for you, I am not familiar with your whole story, but taking your own life back, getting some control and not letting her dump on you , abuse your kindness , literally taking it the bank, is the BEST way for you to go. 

When she sees you are not pining away after her, she might get in touch with a whole nother set of emotions for you, she forgot she had. Not sure what will happen, but you are on the right track , glad you are feeling better.


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