# Men please offer me some



## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

ADVISE

I am the LD spouse, I have been trying to spice things up and be more creative and have sex more often.

Things are in a horrible spot. My husband sometimes loses his erection and can hardly complete when we do PIV. He says its mostly my fault for rejecting him all these years. He cannot just turn in on and off like a light switch.

Well I accept that some of it is my fault and I am will to try something else to build a better sex life. I get scared or just give up sometimes because he tells me I am only trying __________ fill in the blank because he told me too. 

It seems like my attempts fall on dry soil. Help me. If you wife was trying to make up for her denial of sex to you in the past what can she do? 

Please give me some suggestions or tell me what you are feeling and maybe I can understand his hurt a little more.

I do like sex... I do like oral, and different positions....just not everyday.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The devil is in the details. 

Would you mind sharing with us some details on frequencies and quality during LD and now?

Also ages and general physical condition?

It could be 'use it or lose it' physical or mental. Hard to say. If the LD was relatively mild (i.e. not the 'quarterly plan' as Fred would say then it may be mental or resentment. Also worth checking any physical details out.

For the mental part some good conversations would help, as would some IC or MC.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll be interested to see the response you get. I'm the husband in your situation. My wife is trying but I have a hard time being interested in her after all our history. Question, do you compliment him? Tell him he's hot, sexy? Show admiration? Do you initiate bj's to completion without him asking or hinting? How often? I know my wife will do it, but only if I bring it up and always with a sigh.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> The devil is in the details.
> 
> Would you mind sharing with us some details on frequencies and quality during LD and now?
> 
> ...


well when we first got married i was agaist everything but missionary. no oral, no anal no dirty talk and not often. i got pregnant early on and my drive almost dried up completely.

to be honest we never had a great sex life. maybe when we dated.

i am 44 in relative good shape he is 41 overweight and has health issues.

today i love oral, love doggies style (my favorite position) love to talk dirty and curse when i am orgasming.

we have had some bumps int he raod and cannot seem to overcome them. 

if we have sex tonight and I get a good orgasm he wants more in the morning. i do not want to be touched.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

luvinhim said:


> today i love oral, love doggies style (my favorite position)



I always wonder when I hear this if it's because he finishes quicker or because you don't have to be face to face or kiss. That's an obvious projection of course. But I wonder what your husband thinks of that being your favorite position.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't know if it the same for men and woman but FWIW my ex was the LD one in our marriage. By the end I had so much damage from past rejection that he repulsed me. I would not have been intimate with him to save my life. Even years after divorce I would still rather eat my own head than have sex with him.

Prolonged rejection causes much emotional grief, for me it killed my love for him and nothing would have fixed it. I doubt many can fully rebuild after being rejected for a long time by the person that claims to love them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

When you say you love oral do you mean giving or getting?

Everyone wants to feel desired. That's really the bottom line. When it comes to sex it feels awful if you feel like your partner is just doing something to keep you happy vs really wanting to do it. 

There are compromises but, being in your DH shoes myself, I want to be with a person who wants to have sex that next morning and my DH is not that guy either.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Constant rejection makes the occasional sex feel like a one night stand... Not something you can use to sustain a marriage.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You should be complimented for showing interest and wanting to make your marriage work. Most likely he has a physical problem, and when he perceives observations as criticism, strikes back. Most likely he needs some type of medical assessment. With his current weight and health, medication will help. Otherwise, he needs to loss some weight and get better circulation. 

Do try to build his self-confidence and while his statements to you are sad, I think they reflect to some extent anger at himself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First of all, if he is over weight some of his ED is absolutely triggered by that! So this isn't all on you. But some of it is.

Good for you though for being willing to put in some extra effort!

He needs to feel desired by you, not JUST you willingness to spread your legs.

How nasty do you wanna get? How far out of your comfort zone do you want to go? I can write all sorts of things, step by step but I'm not sure what you're looking for. 

Here are some generalities for making your desire for him show though...

If you want to have sex that day, or evening, start working it earlier in the day. 

Look AT him, really gaze into his eyes while thinking dirty thoughts. Tease him by looking down at his crotch once he see you looking at him. Slowly get up, walk over, while still looking at him, run your hand from his knee to his crotch, give him a pat or two and say, later tonight I want this! Kay honey?

Each time you pass by him, rub up against him like a cat in heat. Rub his ass, then lick his ear. Then sashay away. As you remind him tonight is play time!

Masturbate for him. Tell him that while this feels good, what he can do feels even better.

It takes a while to be able to do these things if you don't have a big sex drive. So think of it like this, each time you turned him down he felt as if you told him he was unloveable, unattractive, and you had no desire for him. You've got some making up to do. You've got to go over board in showing him, in the language he speaks, that you DO want him!

Take these suggestions and par them down a tad if that would make you more comfortable.

If he isn't able to get or maintain an erection, try going down on him, or have him watch as you masturbate then ask him to lend a hand. A loss of erection doesn't HAVE to end the sexual encounter and in fact it shouldn't! Losing an erection for a man is pretty devastating and even embarrassing, not to mention the more it happens and ends the sex, the more likely it will get worse because now he is worried about his erection. 

I think if more couples figured out how to have sex with out his erection there would be less ED.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I always wonder when I hear this if it's because he finishes quicker or because you don't have to be face to face or kiss. That's an obvious projection of course. But I wonder what your husband thinks of that being your favorite position.



Doggy style hits the G spot dead on. Add a vibrator and ooh la la!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

luvinhim said:


> if we have sex tonight and I get a good orgasm he wants more in the morning. i do not want to be touched.


OK, you don't want to, but what do you do? Reject or go along?

If it's rejection, then you need to stop.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> First of all, if he is over weight some of his ED is absolutely triggered by that! So this isn't all on you. But some of it is.
> 
> Good for you though for being willing to put in some extra effort!
> 
> ...


Wow! where's my wife when I need her? Not sure about him, but that certainally go me going. 

Seriously, you are to be commended for working to make things better. But it's not going to all be on you. He is going to have to loose weight and make a decision in his mind to expect better things from you. It's part of what I had to do after my treated me about the same way. 

For years my wife would brag to her friends that she had never turned me down for sex. But the sighs, rolled eyes, and constant "we just did it last week" comments were just as good as turning me down, and after awhile I stopped even trying and the marriage became sexless. We are on the other side of that now. Just a few passionate kisses and her clothes seemingly fall off and I start to get an erection. It's letterally the best it's been in over 20 years of marriage. But it took a lot of work from both of us to get through it and we still work at it daily to keep it going. And while like you husband I'd like nothing more than to have sex in the morning after good sex the night before, I know she won't be up for that, so we just cuddle. 

You two are going to have to sit down and talk this out. I'm sure he has seen you working to make things better, but it might not be real yet for him in his mind. So his body isn't buying it. My wife played so many mind games with me using sex, that my body eventually shut down to her touch and it took quite a while to turn things around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'll be interested to see the response you get. I'm the husband in your situation. My wife is trying but I have a hard time being interested in her after all our history. Question, do you compliment him? Tell him he's hot, sexy? Show admiration? Do you initiate bj's to completion without him asking or hinting? How often? I know my wife will do it, but only if I bring it up and always with a sigh.


Exactly. Exactly what WOM is saying here.

I have minimal interest in my wife at this point, resentment city. The admiration and complimenting thing would have helped, but that did not and does not exist. 

I'd be curious to hear if this disinterest ever improves, despite y ears of rejections. I cant even phathom feeling better about it.


Every LD person who specializes in rejecting thier spouse for years on end should really really read the threads on this site. It is literally poison on a marriage and can potentially be irreversible.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Define "bumps in the road". How did you go from missionary prude to porn starlet if the two of you were rarely having sex all those years and if he is overweight and unattractive? What made you turn the corner on what you were willing to try and do sexually?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Exactly. Exactly what WOM is saying here.
> 
> I have minimal interest in my wife at this point, resentment city. The admiration and complimenting thing would have helped, but that did not and does not exist.
> 
> ...


Have you informed your wife lately just how serious this is to her marriage? Have you told her you are no longer as attracted to her as a result of her rejections? Have you told her the pile of resentment you're building as a result of her rejections will soon reach a point where it won't likely ever go away?

I get that being rejected time and again for years on end builds resentment irretrievably, and I don't blame you, but if you're not being up front and assertively addressing the issue you are effectively allowing her to think you're okay with it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

luvinhim said:


> if we have sex tonight and I get a good orgasm he wants more in the morning. i do not want to be touched.


Well, herein lies part of your problem, I think.

He knows that as soon as you are fulfilled, you're "done" for awhile. That's a mood-killer right there.

Try to go outside of your comfort zone a little -- surprise him with sex in the morning after a night of pleasure. Then he might believe you are really trying.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

luvinhim said:


> if we have sex tonight and I get a good orgasm he wants more in the morning. i do not want to be touched.


I don't get this either. The morning after great sex, in fact the whole next day I'm looking for a repeat. The more I have the more I want.

Maybe you should examine this desire to not to be touched directly after having the most excellent result of being touched. Do you feel warm and squishy and contented and happy and loving after sex or do you feel something else?

Why the need for distance?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon nailed it once again. If you're not sure if your feelings the day after sex there may be some bigger issues at play here. When this refractory period of "fog" dwindled and eventually vanished despite high quality sex, I threw in the marital towel and I'm simply biding my time...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't get this either. The morning after great sex, in fact the whole next day I'm looking for a repeat. The more I have the more I want.
> 
> Maybe you should examine this desire to not to be touched directly after having the most excellent result of being touched. Do you feel warm and squishy and contented and happy and loving after sex or do you feel something else?
> 
> Why the need for distance?


I'm with you. You cant get too much good sex. But my wife, not so much. She will often say that if we do it too much it will not be special anymore. I don't even have an argument for that one. But even so, things are way better than they used to be. One year ago when we were having BAD sex every two months. Now we have ok sex three times a week. Got the quantity problem fixed. Now just need to work on the quality issues. 

I'm happy. But I'm grading on the curve. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"love to talk dirty and i curse when orgasming" luvinhim.

This is terrific! Maybe he can look forward to that alone is worth it!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SHow him little affection before getting down and dirty. Rub his belly, touch his hands/arms softly....rub his chest.

Lead up to intimacy can be as important to man as it is to women.

Also, it doesn't matter what YOU like. What you need to focus on is what your husband likes (and the other way around).

If he likes it every day, DO IT.

Give it TIME, you can't expect to undo years of damage in a week.

Last, if above fails, watch some porn with him, that should get him going fairly easily.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

luvinhim said:


> to be honest we never had a great sex life. maybe when we dated.
> 
> i am 44 in relative good shape he is 41 overweight and has health issues.


You've "never had a great sex life" and now your husband is fat with health issues.

Are you genuinely attracted to him? How much of your LD was driven by dissatisfaction with your husband as a lover and a low attraction to him?


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't get this either.


Of course that's not the problem. The problem is that her husband probably doesn't understand it, either. OP, if this is a problem you want to get past, it seems to me the effort is as important as the result. I can only imagine this (maybe Ray can help) but three months from now, it may be quite a bit easier to say "I don't really like it the morning after," and have him understand, adjust, CARE. 

If (when?) my wife begins to make an effort/respond to my efforts to make sex a priority, again, I will work hard to understand, adjust and care about her likes (outside of the act, where I want to know exactly what she likes). 

I can imagine this is a tough hill to climb, and at varying plateaus it must be tough to see there's more climbing to do. I can't even guess at what that is like. But, from a personal example, my wife doesn't like to shower with me. She just prefers to shower alone, even if I'm outside the shower talking to her. If she were to find a way to invite me to join her, several times, it would send a big message. Perhaps enough of a message that, several months later, she could say that she really prefers to shower alone.
At that point, it would be a compromise as part of a good life, and good sex life. Not her calling the shots, and her preferences continuing to carry that day after years of very limited sex.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My 2 cents is go slow. Don't expect too much to begin with. Keep the wooing consistent, but don't overdo it and act too needy.
Let him know that you want it without pressuring him too much.
Years of LD and disappointment to not reverse in a short while.

But if you've got a good man, he'll come around. This passive aggressive thing gets old after a while.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your issue is that you are now trying (after years of rejecting your husband) but your husband is having issues, feeling you are not 'really' into it.

My marriage was the same (wife often rejecting). For the last month or two, things have turned around.

I don't really know why though. My wife never brings it up. She has never said, I am going to start doing this or that. She has just started doing it. She is nicer to me during the day. She asks me to rub her back. She doesn't outright initiate, but she will do things like push her butt out at me when I am rubbing her back. Or she will just reach back and hold my hand. Little things showing she wants to be closer. She hasn't rejected me in 6 weeks. 

I have wanted to say, "What has changed you?" but I haven't. And after reading this thread, I don't think I will. All I have said is how happy I have felt lately and how great we are getting along.

So my advice to you is to just be there and do it. Don't tell him you are going to. Don't hold it over him that you did it so he should do whatever. Just love him. Be there for him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I'm with you. You cant get too much good sex. But my wife, not so much. *She will often say that if we do it too much it will not be special anymore. *I don't even have an argument for that one. But even so, things are way better than they used to be. One year ago when we were having BAD sex every two months. Now we have ok sex three times a week. Got the quantity problem fixed. Now just need to work on the quality issues.
> 
> I'm happy. But I'm grading on the curve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded above is an example of misdirection or lack of understanding on her part. She is either intentionally misdirecting you or she really doesn't understand the nature of love.

Do you stop with one child so that your love for that child doesn't get diluted with the love for another?

Do you miser out love because you only have a finite amount and want to maximize the effectiveness of placement?

Love, and the creation of loving feelings is infinit. The more you have the more you have, there is NO limit!

"I don't want to have sex too often or it will stop being so special." 

Your reply,

"When it stops being special we're doing it wrong. If it comes to that we'll fix it. Our sex life fills us up and renews our love and that can never be overdone!"


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> She will often say that if we do it too much it will not be special anymore.


Yep, I heard that very same thing from my wife in her LD days. I don't think there is a class they took to learn it, but the fact that its used by many makes me wonder what is behind it?

Maybe I'll bring this very topic up with my wife tonight. She used to say it about receiving oral more than anything else. She used to be indifferent to it, but now absolutely loves it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

luvinhim said:


> if we have sex tonight and I get a good orgasm he wants more in the morning. i do not want to be touched.


yep, sounds like you are a classic LD person. 

Do you use lubricant EVERY TIME you have sex? maybe that would help you....not get you so worn out that the next morning it would be uncomfortable for you to have sex again.

Sounds like a double whammy, you are shying away from sex which bruises his ego, AND he is having ED problems, getting scared about it, and then freaking out a little that sex for him might be all over.


get him on a good diet, have him lose the weight and get his cholesterol under control. That will delay the onset of ED.

Get him Viagra/Levitra/ciallis, and make him take it 1 hour before sex. This will help you too, because once he gets into the pattern of take pill/wait hour/initiate sex.....you will be asked fewer times for PIV sex, and may be able to support it more enthusiastically then.

Really help him along, get some hot lingerie, talk dirty to him, really be vocal when you are getting laid...do all you can to stroke his ego and mental imagery as you get laid....he will be able to cum quicker and more fully.

If you are really not in the mood for PIV sex every time, try other things with him. Try a strap on on HIM. BJs. bondage. Whatever floats his boat. Maybe it is just the act of PIV sex that you can not take too often, but will enjoy other forms of kinky sex with him???

if you are embarrassed about initiating kinkier sex, use a crutch. Like get a cosmo magazine when they have one of those "50 hot new sex things to try" articles, toss it at him and say "hey, choose one of these to try tonight" and see what he chooses!

but whatever you figure out to do...DO IT now. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy without enthusistic sex in the mix.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> Love, and the creation of loving feelings is infinit. The more you have the more you have, there is NO limit!
> 
> "I don't want to have sex too often or it will stop being so special."
> 
> ...


This is one of the greatest things I have read here at TAM.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Exactly. Exactly what WOM is saying here.
> 
> I have minimal interest in my wife at this point, resentment city. The admiration and complimenting thing would have helped, but that did not and does not exist.
> 
> ...


I know exactly what you're talking about, and it SUCKS.

All the rejection and excuses start to pile up over time, and you stop looking at your partner "that way". Sex with your partner just becomes something you do, however infrequently, and it's no longer special, or as special as it should be.

The desire for your partner becomes more one of convenience than being about them. They're the only ones around to have sex with, and it's better than going without. And that is so fundamentally wrong in a marriage.

I'm at that point now, or close to it, and it absolutely sucks. I don't automatically look at my wife and think sex=closeness and intimacy, because it's so infrequent. The sex itself is great, physically, but all the rejection and excuses and no initiation on her part has sucked a lot of the life out of it. I don't look at her as a sexual being at all anymore, because she isn't.

Sex is initiated by me, and 9 times out of 10, it's simply about sex for me nowadays. There is little in the way of attraction beforehand. I don't look at her and think "oh boy, do I ever want her", like I used to. Looking at her body no longer turns me on like it used to. Seeing her naked doesn't get me going like it used to. And that's from several years of being flat-out rejected in situations where "normal" drive people would have ended up rolling around together. You have your hand slapped away one too many times, or you get the pre-emptive "don't even think about it" and all that other stuff, and you just give up trying.

So for OP's husband, for all the times he went through all that, and now suddenly she's showing interest, it's a mind****.

The resentment gets to a point where he feels like a puppet having his strings pulled.

The ED and health issues certainly do not help, but I suspect that they are not the only issues at play. Even if he was 100% healthy and good-to-go, he probably still looks at OP the way he used to - as a non-sexual being. That could take years, if at all, to rectify itself. He's been conditioned, much like I have, to not see his wife in a certain way, and suddenly all of that is out the window.

So for X number of years, there's no interest. He gets used to that fact. It is what it is. Until it isn't anymore. And he's expected to embrace this sudden change and see her in exactly the same way she tried so hard to NOT have him see her as for all those years. Not going to happen.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Luv, 

can you understand from your husband perspective that set the rules when you first got married...no oral, no anal, one position take or leave it....and with that come infrequent sex...he had no choice if he wanted to stay married...so over time over years resentment....perhaps this is not a reflection on you but other wives, then suddenly the kids don't need as much or have left the nest and you suddenly question why we are not cuddly or spontaneous, or why we don't initiate sex....and you women ask yourself what is wrong with out intimacy....WELL DUH...you reap what you sow...we men have been living on the outskirts of intimacy and spontaneous we don't know the road back....so guess what it is up to you and the other wives to show us the path back...because basically you guys set the rules and we had no choice because we loved our wives....and we are angry you have to deal with it...because we are not a light switch.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Over weight, ED issues and wanting to make love in the morning when T is at its highest level. Sounds like Low T may also be part of problem. But also believe it is also partly mental too due the way she treated him for years. It shows now that you are fine with doing things so there could be a lot or resentment from the fact you would not for years. Feels like you were punishing h for something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Doggy style hits the G spot dead on. ooh la la!


:iagree:

It's my favorite. I'm a G spot kind of gal.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Xenote said:


> Luv,
> 
> can you understand from your husband perspective that set the rules when you first got married...no oral, no anal, one position take or leave it....and with that come infrequent sex...he had no choice if he wanted to stay married...so over time over years resentment....perhaps this is not a reflection on you but other wives, then suddenly the kids don't need as much or have left the nest and you suddenly question why we are not cuddly or spontaneous, or why we don't initiate sex....and you women ask yourself what is wrong with out intimacy....WELL DUH...you reap what you sow...we men have been living on the outskirts of intimacy and spontaneous we don't know the road back....so guess what it is up to you and the other wives to show us the path back...because basically you guys set the rules and we had no choice because we loved our wives....and we are angry you have to deal with it...because we are not a light switch.


You speak as if this is an ALL wives situation. If so you would be very , very, very wrong.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

luvinhim said:


> ADVISE
> 
> 
> Well I accept that some of it is my fault and I am will to try something else to build a better sex life. .


it is probably a little more than "some" of the fault. If you turn down a husband enough times, he gets emotionally distant...kind of like a dog that was kicked once too many times by an abusive owner. He is afraid of sex with you, afraid the slightest mistake will cause yet another rejection. His ego can not take another chip in its foundation. 

Yep, you have screwed him up really well!

So, *even if you do not desire sex with him,* you have to either convince him that you DO crave his body, or actually figure out how to increase your libido so you truthfully do crave his body. You have created this mess, now clean it up.

You need to take him to the local lingerie store, let him pick out sexy outfits that he likes, and you try them on for size. Then rush home, put on the kinkiest one you have and throw yourself at him for wild sex. It may take a phenomenal amount of foreplay on your part to get this beaten **** to respond...so be it.

From now on, you need to just spontaneously give him sex. Initiate it. He is watching bowling on TV, you slide to your knees and give him an enthusiastic BJ. After maybe 6 months of this, with serious effort and enthusiasm, he might start to heal and become a dominant man again.

I just hope you are not too late, and he has already found a lover outside the house to replace you.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you informed your wife lately just how serious this is to her marriage? Have you told her you are no longer as attracted to her as a result of her rejections? Have you told her the pile of resentment you're building as a result of her rejections will soon reach a point where it won't likely ever go away?
> 
> I get that being rejected time and again for years on end builds resentment irretrievably, and I don't blame you, but if you're not being up front and assertively addressing the issue you are effectively allowing her to think you're okay with it.


you are 150% accurate anon. i havent told her my attraction is dwindling. i only told her some time ago that I cant feel as deeply invested in this relationship without sexual interaction with my wife. But its run much deeper than this by now. She initiates from a few times a month and i accept, but my effort level is way down.

see my thread in SIM. I think its about to go down.


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