# I said the wrong thing and feel terrible



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have some issues from my past life, I know that and am doing really well to get past them.

But today SO said to me "I want to grow old with you" I replied with *"do you really mean that?"* He looked so hurt and as soon as I saw that on his face I appologised and told him that I shouldn't have said it.
He had just said he wanted to spend his life with me and I questioned his honesty, I am an idiot at times.

We both have our share of post divorce baggage so we understand each other from this POV. I just feel so bad that I was so careless and basically said I didn't believe him

I think more to the point is that at times I struggle to believe that I deserve this happiness.

Just waffling but does anyone understand how I feel? How hard it is to be in a fantastic relationship after an average one ended and trust that everything will be OK?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I think it's difficult because most relationships start off as fantastic, or at least with you feeling that it was fantastic. The contrast between the feelings I had for the ex at the start and the feelings I had by the end still shock me more than anything else

So it's pretty understandable. What you said wasn't something you thought about, it just came out - shows that you're still feeling some of the effects of your previous baggage! But everyone is allowed a moment of insecurity sometimes, particularly after going through something so painful


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes I totally understand.
I rejected my husbands love and affection for many years in subtle little ways because I never felt worthy of his love. I couldn't accept that he loved me so much because I didn't love myself and didn't k ow how to accept it. 17 years into our marriage he had an affair and went looking for love elsewhere. Do I blame myself? Yes I still do to a certain extent, I think he gave up trying to get through to me. 
After a year of IC and a lot of self reflection I am now in a much healthier place, of course now when he tells me he wants to spend his life with me, I have different reasons not to believe him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks, I am a normal person that makes mistakes and has issues. At least talking here helps me think through things.

Yes Dolly the sentence just came out, I hate that I said it but yes it was a moment of insecurity.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Holland said:


> Thanks, I am a normal person that makes mistakes and has issues. At least talking here helps me think through things.
> 
> Yes Dolly the sentence just came out, I hate that I said it but yes it was a moment of insecurity.


I had one of those moments myself saturday. My gf basically did something that was very characteristic of my ex. I just blurted out, "how am I supposed to trust you?". I looked at her face. It sucked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> I have some issues from my past life, I know that and am doing really well to get past them.
> 
> But today SO said to me "I want to grow old with you" I replied with *"do you really mean that?"* He looked so hurt and as soon as I saw that on his face I appologised and told him that I shouldn't have said it.
> He had just said he wanted to spend his life with me and I questioned his honesty, I am an idiot at times.
> ...


If all you've known is bad or mediocre of course you are going to have a tough time relaxing in the present and believing how great your situation is now.

I always struggle with believing I deserve happiness and a man who adores me. It makes me wonder if we were raised that way...girls used to be taught to be so self sacrificing and humble.I wonder if that's why so many of us have trouble letting someone else love us and take care of our emotional needs.Is that why we have that nagging feeling of doubt and cynicism when a good man when he promises to stick around and not turn into a jerk?

I think over time you'll learn,just like I will, that we DO deserve happiness because we're good people


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think it was wrong to say that. Heck I've said worse and my husband just rolls with it. Hey I'm insecure at times what can I say? LOL I need reassurance and he knows that about me.

I think you triggered him which was why he got upset. Evidently he has issues with women not trusting that he means what he says.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Holland, we all view the world through our own lens and that lens is based on our past experiences. For a variety of reasons, my wife grew up feeling profoundly unloved. We've been together for 12 years and she still sometimes responds incredulously when I say "I love you". I overreact to her "reminders" sometimes because my last wife was a controlling bat. We're all only human. At least you realize where your doubt comes from and that it's got nothing to do with your present guy. Just apologize and tell him it's going to take some time to get over past wounds. He's got his own, so I'm sure he'll understand. You're a reasonable, rational adult and I expect he is, too. There's no reason two reasonable, rational adults can't build a great marriage if that's what they both want. Left to luck or chance, it'd be really scary, but your marriage success is entirely up to y'all. There really is no question whether it can work. There's just the question whether both of y'all will stay committed to making it work. You've been hurt but you learned and you're a better, stronger, wiser person, now. You've had bad so you won't take good for granted.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think Mavash. has a good point. It's entirely possible that you both had your own pieces of baggage regarding this issue. Sounds like a good opportunity for a heart to heart to get some of that out into the open again. Like unbelievable said, two reasonable, rational adults should be able to work it out.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

And this is exactly why I love this place, thank you all so much for replying and helping 

Mavash yes I think you are right. SO has a difficult past with his ex who has some mental health issues and a couple of times he has been triggered with things I have said. Strangely he has been triggered when I have reacted *positively *to things he has said or done, like he is waiting to be attacked for doing everyday things.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Triggers are tough. I have them in my marriage and we've been together 23 years. Ours are related to the early bad years or our respective childhoods. We work to identify them so we can fix it constructively. Like I trigger my husband when I get quiet - he thinks I'm mad at him so I make a point to reassure him on my less than chatty days.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Just have great sex. That'll fix everything. At least it does with me! 

Don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't that big a deal. We all say stuff like that. Heck, I'm the queen of insensitivity and political incorrectness.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ya. I'd have said the same. And meant it.

Yea, he's being honest RIGHT NOW. But as we know, FOREVER is a long time...

I'd probably have said, "Ok...grow old with me...but without marriage." Never doin that again.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Just have great sex. That'll fix everything. At least it does with me!
> 
> Don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't that big a deal. We all say stuff like that. Heck, I'm the queen of insensitivity and political incorrectness.


Thanks FOL no issue with just having great sex  

Reading my post back it doesn't seem like such a big deal on paper, I think it was the look on his face and that split second where I realised what I had said really hurt him, that is what I am kicking myself about. OK it is a new day, it has past and I feel so much better after posting here. 

I am learning to let go, go with the flow and accept that yes this man truly loves me and wants to spend his life with me. To give some back story, I didn't feel this bond with my ex, we were the ultimate room mates and there was not such a deep bond. Just got some baggage to get past and truly let go and live.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Ya. I'd have said the same. And meant it.
> 
> Yea, he's being honest RIGHT NOW. But as we know, FOREVER is a long time...
> 
> I'd probably have said, "Ok...grow old with me...but without marriage." Never doin that again.


Oh I understand that, things can change and life does not always go to plan. But I am not going to live in a negative mindset, I love this man and want to be with him, never thought I would be in this place. 

We are an excellent match and both in mid life, from LTR that had plenty of issues so we have lots of discussion on the issues in our lives. 

One thing that I know for certain is that I will never stay in a relationship that is not a win/win ever again. But that is not the issue here, the issue is that I need to trust in life and that I hurt him with my words. These things I will work on and keep growing within myself and with him.


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