# I want my boyfrined to love my son



## SJG143

My boyfriend of one year gets along well with my 7 year old son, and my son likes him alot. My boyfriend spends half my e/o weekend timesharing with me and my son. They play together, feel comfortable together. As much as my boyfriend loves me, he doesnt "love" my son. I think he enjoys him, likes him, accepts him. I feel that if he doesnt love him by now, he never will. I want the man Im with to love me and my son...Is that too much?


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## Almostrecovered

consider he may already and be guarded using the term until he marries you, if you dump him or you break up he will lose your son as well. The security of marriage may allow him to admit to himself that he loves him.

DO however, if he does ever propose, bring up the subject and how it is important to you. This could be a deal breaker after all.


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## SJG143

Wouldnt I be hurting my son, if I married someone who didnt love him? Wouldnt that be unfair and selfish?


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## Almostrecovered

SJG143 said:


> Wouldnt I be hurting my son, if I married someone who didnt love him? Wouldnt that be unfair and selfish?


that's why I said that last part


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## SJG143

If he doesnt love him by now, a year of spending lots of time together....how long should I wait-n-see?


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## tacoma

I don't love my wife's sons nor they me.

We like each other and honestly I am the best influence they have in their lives.

You can't make someone "love" and expecting it to happen once your married is just going to be serious heartbreak.

He likes him,he is good with him, and he's a good role model/

What's the problem?
Does your son love" him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

I don't know if he'll ever love him. Not the way you want.

My husband and older daughter get along great and talk more than she talks to me...but it's not a father/daughter relationship. I don't expect it to be.

My step dad LOVED me. I loved him. I was only 3 though, when my mother married him and we were together for 12 years before they divorced and he was my dad until he died.

What I'm saying is, a year is not long enough. I didn't know I loved my stepdad until I was about 10. That is 7 years into it. 

Love like that takes time...


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## Lon

SJ, I think you are expecting your bf to take up the role of father, which he is not - your son has a father already. I think if there is real respect between your son and your bf then you are doing really well, and would be crazy for that to be a dealbreaker for not marrying this guy you otherwise seem to think is marriage material. I also think that relationships grow, such as the one between your son and bf, and they will come to love each other as family (if they haven't already) I think your looking too hard at this the wrong way.


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## SJG143

Its a big risk for my son to marry a man who does not love him with the hope that he will love his eventually. It I do that, my my son might feel unloved in his own home by the man with whom he is sharing his mommy. Id be failing him if I let that happen. If my son shares his mommy, it should be with someone who loves him. Just like in an un-divorced family. It also seems to me that any man worthy of sharing my son and my love, would only accept all those gifts if he gave the same in return. I don't want to replace his father. He has a father. A step father's love is different, I understand this. We only get one mother and one father. But, if we I re-marry, my partner will be a father figure....a step dad, an authority figure and likely give my son discipline. If he ever says "but you're not my father" I want him to be able to hear and believe "I'm your step father and I love you" He should feel safe that his mother and step father do for him because they love him. Liking is not enough for me. 

My question is whether I should consider staying with a man who after a year does not love my son, because this is what I do want. How long should it take for a loving bond between a man and his partner's child take to exist. Its been a year. If it hasn't developed, am I fool for thinking it will or it wont.


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## tacoma

It's been Nearly 14 years for me and if my wife had your problem she'd be waiting still.

I'm beginning to hope you don't marry this man as your expectations on top of the nearly impossible job of step parenting will send him spiralling into a life of misery.

You should search out some step parenting forums and research exactly what you're asking.
You can't possibly understand what's in store for your future husband but hopefully you'll begin to see you expect too much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SJG143

That is fair and I truly appreciate your candor. This is very helpful. I am happy to have the advise and will seriously consider my expectations.


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## unbelievable

No matter what's going on in your BF's heart, "love" between a father (or stepfather) and a 7 year old boy usually looks a little different than love between that boy and his mom. Just because they don't spend hours cuddling doesn't mean they don't love each other. They play, rough-house, enjoy each other's company. I assume your son has a father. If so, you don't need to find a replacement and you probably shouldn't. As long as there is peace and harmony, I wouldn't sweat it. These two will work their own relationship out.


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## tacoma

It`s just that...

I`m a "Parent" and a "Step-Parent" and while I know that being a parent is a damn difficult job I also know that compared to Step-Parenting parenting your bio kid is a freaking walk in the park.

Step parenting is easily more difficult by a factor of 20.

Just the fact that you have a man willing to give it a shot is an absolute blessing.

if he knew what he was in for perhaps he might not be so eager.

Maybe he should check out some of those step parent forums too.


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## CandieGirl

So TRUE Tacoma. It's difficult to love your own kids sometimes, let alone somebody else's...

My H is putting up with my sons very well...they like each other and get along. We have no problems but I really don't think he 'loves' them...

His kids live on the opposite end of the country, so not an issue, we barely see them...but even if we did, I doubt very much that at 13 and 15 they will ever love me or me them.


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## girl friday

I am in the same situation as you and understand your concerns. A step family will never work in the same way that a bio/nucleur family will. You can not expect the same love and bonding that occurs in a bio family. 

My kids father didn't put much effort into making or keeping a good relationship going with my kids and I was hoping like crazy that when I got together with my current partner he would fill the void. I set myself up for huge disappointment and heartbreak as it never happened and it took me a long time to deal with this. My partner is not my kids father. As long as they all respect each other and get along and take care of each other that is all that is fair to ask. If on the other hand love does grow, then that would be the icing on the cake. 

Don't force it, let it happen naturally and always appreciate the good.


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## Bobby5000

I married a woman with 2 children. If your boyfriend gets along well with your son and they enjoy one another, I am not sure how much more you want. 



SJG143 said:


> My boyfriend of one year gets along well with my 7 year old son, and my son likes him alot. My boyfriend spends half my e/o weekend timesharing with me and my son. They play together, feel comfortable together. As much as my boyfriend loves me, he doesnt "love" my son. I think he enjoys him, likes him, accepts him. I feel that if he doesnt love him by now, he never will. I want the man Im with to love me and my son...Is that too much?


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## diwali123

Your son already has a father that he spends time with. He doesn't need another one. 
If your bf loves you and they get along and he wants to take on the responsibilities of being a step parent, that's all that matters. 
I've been with my husband for two years and I know that I will never love his kids the way that their mom or my h does. It's just not how it works. 
I don't want to be their mom because they already have one. Accordingly I don't expect my H to love my daughter. It takes a long time for those relationships to develop.
She just said yesterday for the first time "I have two dads". But if I asked her if she loved him she would probably say no. 
I guess the other thing is that he is just your bf. He might not want to get too attached to your son in case it doesn't work out.
I wouldn't worry so much about the love issue, I'd just worry about how he treats him, how they get along, whether your son likes spending time with him, what kind of a person he is and what your relationship is like.
Also just had to mention my younger stepson is very insistent that I'm not his mom and that my daughter is not my husband's child. He won't even hug me, and I'm ok with it. That's just how some kids are, divorce is hard, not being with both parents all the time is hard.
I hope you are able to work it out.


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## annm777

I can fully understand where you are coming from on this, as after 12 years of being a step-father to my son (my son was only 2 when I married him) - my husband told me that he did not really like him. Then when my son turned 16 he tried to manipulate me into getting rid of my son out of the family home. My son has suffered psycholgical damage as a result of my husband's sudden rejection, and when I look back at old video's and photographs of them, there is no indication that there was any problem between them.

My husband has worked away throughout our marriage - hence he only spent weekends with my son, so I am guessing that it was easier for him to put up this pretence.

Unfortunately - it is impossible to figure out whether your husband will love your son and you cannot engineer a relationship within a given time frame. Also take note that the reverse could happen where you husband loves your son, but your son could turn around one day when he is older and say that he does not like his step-father!

You sound like a great mum though, as you are contemplating your son's future welfare.


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## ScaredandUnsure

As long as my guy likes and respects my children, that is all I demand if he's to be in a relationship/marriage with me. I love and adore his daughter, but I think it's different for me, I've got more than one child and it's easier for me to, I guess, share my love to all the kids. I don't expect my guy to be their father, they have a damn good father already, and I in no way want to be his daughters mother, she's got hers, I just want to be able to successfully blend our families and make it a good and positive experience and that everyone is happy.


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