# Sex: need vs treat



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Someone made a comment in another thread that I thought was great in helping me understand the mindset of people when it comes to a couple having sex. Not an exact quote, but something like, "some people look at sex as a vital part of their marriage, a need, while others look at it as a treat, like chocolate ice cream." That is a simple statement, but It was almost like a door opener in helping me understand my x-wife. 

I have learned a lot since coming to this forum, and still have curiosities that may help me be a better person and do better if I have a future relationship.

For me, sex was a need,an emotional need. I needed that to feel love from her; however, in looking back, I don't think she needed it from me to feel loved. I believe to her, it was a treat. i didn't have a totally sexless marriage. I suppose the longest we went was 6 weeks, which seemed forever to me. 

My wife actually seemed to enjoy sex when we did it; she was never one to just lie there and say, "Ok, just do what you have to do and get it out of your system." But a good evening of sex could last her a month, and she couldn't understand me needing sex regularly. 

Some talk about having to give a woman her emotional needs for her to feel the desire for sex. I get that, but I felt like that was a full-time job, whereas, my needs were only a part-time job. It wasn't like I could forget about her emotional needs for a month and then decide to kick-in one day and expect it to amount to anything, yet I had to wait for weeks to get my needs met, while wondering all the time, "what's wrong with me that my wife doesn't desire me in that way?" 

I think sometimes just simply the way someone views something makes a great difference. So, does anyone else here agree with the need vs treat having an affect on the sexual relationship? Can someone actually like sex, but just not need it over once a month without any other issues being present, and if we don't recognize that, can it lead to a lot of confusion while trying to resolve our sexual issues?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

southbound said:


> I think sometimes just simply the way someone views something makes a great difference. So, does anyone else here agree with the need vs treat having an affect on the sexual relationship? Can someone actually like sex, but just not need it over once a month without any other issues being present, and if we don't recognize that, can it lead to a lot of confusion while trying to resolve our sexual issues?


Honestly the more I read here and the more work I do on myself to get past my own stuffed up marriage (sexless, divorced over 2 yrs ago) the clearer it all becomes.

I think we think to much about it all. For some it is a need, others a treat and yet others a poison.

In the end the most important thing is to be with someone that has a similar desire, drive and outlook about sex as you do.
This can be fluid over time so as long as there is good communication, respect and love then the subtleties of change can be accommodated.

When I entered my current relationship we had a lot of sex talk up front, he is HD as am I and I appreciated his honest and up front manner in talking about sex. 

I will be talking to my kids about these sorts of issues well before they get to marrying ages, a marriage with sexual incompatibility is a very painful life to lead.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I agree with what you have written.

My husband has a similar attitude to your wife.
Sex is a deep emotional connection for him. He gets his "daily uptake" of feeling loved through hugs, kisses, holding hands, and talking.

I used to need the deep connection of sex.

I also think most men are wired the way you are. Probably because they weren't raised with lots of hugging affection. Trained that it led to sex. Non sexual affection is something women are better at.

Everybody is different, and has their own limit of how affection they need to feel loved. And some people don't need a lot of external confirmation. 

That's why I get so passionate about the catch phrase of with-holding needs unless yours are met. It is a choice to decide that one doesn't feel loved unless they have A, B, C.

Been there. Thought that way for a long time.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm so glad wife was so upfront and clear early on, I was probably too naive and young to have understood the long term consequences. As I recall the word "oxygen" came up in the conversation. 



Holland said:


> In the end the most important thing is to be with someone that has a similar desire, drive and outlook about sex as you do.


Well said. Sometimes reading here I wonder are we HD or LD or whatever. Who cares, there isn't an issue, we're compatible. Wife, wiser and older, teases me that I don't know how good I have it, I always say I do know it, but since coming here I really do.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think that there are extremes on both sides of the spectrum.
And yes, I agree fully with the OP. The way someone views something does make a great difference. People come from all sorts of different backgrounds , and their experience always affect their views / vantage point. 
Added to that, a lot of people have " entitlement " issues.
Sex in relationships is not a treat. A lot of females come into marriages with that mindset. It's a need , and not just for men, women need sex.
The variety of sex can be a treat.
Just like food. Food is not a treat, but its variety and presentation can excite the imagination and satisfy a need.
The other extreme is that a lot of men think that they are entitled to sex , whenever and however they want and that is all that counts.
Absolutely nothing works like that.
Both partners have emotional needs, and sex is one of the most important ways these needs can be met.
People who don't place much value on sex , may very well be better off remaining single.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
Do you recognize now that the issue was not that your W didn't need much sex? What I mean, is that her lack of need, was not what caused the bad outcome. 




southbound said:


> Someone made a comment in another thread that I thought was great in helping me understand the mindset of people when it comes to a couple having sex. Not an exact quote, but something like, "some people look at sex as a vital part of their marriage, a need, while others look at it as a treat, like chocolate ice cream." That is a simple statement, but It was almost like a door opener in helping me understand my x-wife.
> 
> I have learned a lot since coming to this forum, and still have curiosities that may help me be a better person and do better if I have a future relationship.
> 
> ...


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I view it as a need both physically and psychologically and do give it too much thought. Practically every minute. Even when I just finish I still am enjoying it in my thoughts.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

i think its a need and a treat, but if your married you should want to have sex with your partner regularly


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> I view it as a need both physically and psychologically and do give it too much thought. Practically every minute. Even when I just finish I still am enjoying it in my thoughts.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I like the idea of seeing sex as a treat. 
It can become a burden if it starts to have a sensation of obligation e.g. when one person needs it and the other does not.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> Do you recognize now that the issue was not that your W didn't need much sex? What I mean, is that her lack of need, was not what caused the bad outcome.


Well, I won't say I understand it 100% yet, but that treat vs need comment seems to fit her, but I'm not sure that's all it was.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

How does everyone feel about this specific comment? Does anyone else feel like this?



southbound said:


> Some talk about having to give a woman her emotional needs for her to feel the desire for sex. I get that, but I felt like that was a full-time job, whereas, my needs were only a part-time job. It wasn't like I could forget about her emotional needs for a month and then decide to kick-in one day and expect it to amount to anything, yet I had to wait for weeks to get my needs met, while wondering all the time, "what's wrong with me that my wife doesn't desire me in that way?"


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

I remember a saying, "Man walks into marriage hoping his wife never change, but she does. While woman walks into marriage hoping her husband will change, but he doesn't."
That more likely what happen to my marriage, becoz when we were dating all the way to the first year of marriage, wife was HD same as me. We had sex almost every day, and she initiated some of it. Then our first baby girl came, and she turned into LD.
I do understand having a baby gets all her attention, but leaving me with once a month was like torturing me. Even after our son was born 2 years after the first one, she stayed LD. Even after some long talks and fights, she just wasn't the same anymore. She still had a hard time understanding that man need sex as much as she need affection. Sometimes I did wonder, where did my HD wife gone?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I suspect if you having it regularly it's a treat...if you're not it's a need.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

southbound said:


> How does everyone feel about this specific comment? Does anyone else feel like this?


Yes, absolutely. My ex at some point begrudgingly agreed that this was what she strove for, when we cut past the crap of she needed XYZ to feel comfortable for sex yet never provided.

In fact, it went beyond this. Because the sex she provided was lazy and uninspired (she agreed that was the case) but she said that should be good enough for me and knowing I expected better was the turnoff.

IOW, it was support me the way I want and be happy for what I choose to provide. Complain and I'll make it worse.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

southbound said:


> How does everyone feel about this specific comment? Does anyone else feel like this?


I don't mind putting the extra effort and work in as long as the result is a wet spot in the middle of our bed.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Horsa said:


> I remember a saying, "Man walks into marriage hoping his wife never change, but she does. While woman walks into marriage hoping her husband will change, but he doesn't."
> That more likely what happen to my marriage, becoz when we were dating all the way to the first year of marriage, wife was HD same as me. We had sex almost every day, and she initiated some of it. Then our first baby girl came, and she turned into LD.
> I do understand having a baby gets all her attention, but leaving me with once a month was like torturing me. Even after our son was born 2 years after the first one, she stayed LD. Even after some long talks and fights, she just wasn't the same anymore. She still had a hard time understanding that man need sex as much as she need affection. Sometimes I did wonder, where did my HD wife gone?


I've learned a lot since coming here, but still haven't gained 100% understanding with my situation. Take the babies, for example; I helped out more than any man I have ever heard of. I probably changed more diapers than she did, and with the care of babies, I wasn't giving off the idea that I was hoping it would turn into sex. I would have just felt like a lazy bum letting her do it all. I got up for night feedings, went to doc appointments, you name it. After all, they were "our" children. I can't imagine what she would have been like if she had had the burden of doing everything like some guys that I know allow.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> I don't mind putting the extra effort and work in as long as the result is a wet spot in the middle of our bed.


I wouldn't have minded either if I could have ever fully figured out what her needs were.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Helping out with things around the house will only make a difference if the reason she is not having sex with you is truly that she it too tired. In that case reducing her workload should free up energy for sex. I suspect more often than not though that's not the real issue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

If you're diabetic you probably shouldn't marry a pastry chef.

If you're an alcoholic, it's best you don't marry a sommelier.

It doesn't matter whether one looks at is as treat, and the other a necessity. It just matters that both view it the same way.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Marriage has changed my views on sex. I used to be promiscuous and during that phase, I built up a wall around my emotions so that I would not get attached to men I slept with. It didn't help that I had some very bad experiences with men and stopped trusting.

Now that I am a wife, the idea of sex without love is foreign to me. None of that empty sex I had in the past compares to the bonding that married sex brings. Even if I am arguing with my husband, we still make love because my drive is high and life is too short to be withholding.

Sex is a treat, a need and a celebration of healing in my marriage.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Does this happen to others? If we go too long without (7-8 days in our case, YMMV) we tend to have "need" sex, more physical, followed up in the next day or 2 with "treat" sex, more emotional.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Intense bonding required, followed by follow up bonding. You may call it a physical release, but it's an emotional bond that you are craving. IMO.

Physical release can be obtained very easily all on your own. The reason it's not as intense is because it's not an emotional thing.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Does this happen to others? If we go too long without (7-8 days in our case, YMMV) we tend to have "need" sex, more physical, followed up in the next day or 2 with "treat" sex, more emotional.


Hi Charlie
I find that the more we do it the more we want it. So if we don't do it then it becomes less likely that we will do it, so I think it then becomes a treat rather than a need (Which I think is the opposite of your point of view, but I think the two things are related). Glad you mentioned that.


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