# Affectionless/Sexless



## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

I am 24, I have no children, and I have been married for 4 years now. We have been a couple for about 10 years. The good aspect of my marriage is that my wife and I make great friends, and she is in many ways everything I want in a wife. She is intelligent, witty, she makes me laugh, she is successful, I respect her, and she is beautiful. Honestly I do not think there is anyone who could excite me the way she does. 

The bad part of my marriage, and the reason for my post is that I am HD and she is LD. More than that is that she is by nature very cold toward me. She has always had a lack of affection but it has gotten worse, and it is VERY painful. She even gets upset at times if I try to hug her or kiss her deeper than a peck (each time rips my heart out! MY WIFE DOES NOT WANT ME TO SHOW HER ANY PASSION???). Her lack of affection is torture, but worse is the fact that I have to beg for sex, and if we do have sex it is for the most part mercy sex (so sad and unfulfilling). I have always had natural confidence in myself, but this has slowly been eroding the confidence that I have had. 

Things to know before you post is that we have only been with one another sexually, we have sex about once a week (sometimes more sometimes less), my wife and I have had many discussions on this topic and it has caused multiple arguments. She has even said that she is not interested in sex really at all, and that it is just a chore for her. She has also said that she enjoys orgasms, but she could live without them (often she says they are too intense). Also keep in mind that I love her, I do believe she loves me, and we had an exciting sex life at the start of our relationship. Also that I am not looking for divorce advice just yet. She is just too great in other ways to give up on us right now. Maybe in a few more years if I realize she is just not willing to change her affection toward me/ put more effort into our sex lives. I am resenting her for this more and more (I really do not want to but it is just a natural feeling) and I am getting desperate. In summary I feel like we make great roommates/friends, but I want more than friendship.

I do not know exactly what I am looking for in posting this. Maybe some advice, encouragement, a success story?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

From this moment on, never beg for sex or a hug/kiss. 

It's making it worse if you don't realize that. 

I would suggest reading a book called MMSLP. (Married mans sex life primer)
Don't let her know you're reading it. 

Questions: 
1) Are you overweight, a slob, lazy?
2) How is your financial situation?
3) Do you hover her all day and seek affection?
4) Do you wait on her and buy things like flowers and gifts all the time?

Lastly, are you 100% sure there is no affair going on. Not to scare you but you need to rule that out. 

And for Gods sake, do not have children with her until things are much, much better.


Edited to add: Resentment is natural and happens a lot to guys in your situation. Thing is, not one thing you can say or do that can change her...you can only change yourself. 
That's why I suggested a $10 book. It teaches you to become the man your wife wants. Best part is once you've become that awesome man and if your wife has not changed then you are on a position to divorce and find that woman who rocks your world. Don't settle for a sexless marriage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Having sex once a week isn't that bad you know.

If she really does not like sex then you have a problem. Are you guys religious?

What would she say if you told her you want some naked pictures of her to masturbate to a couple of times a week?

As for the intimacy aspect, I think that's just part of the lack of sexual interest.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

JustAFriend1 said:


> I am 24, I have no children, and I have been married for 4 years now. We have been a couple for about 10 years. The good aspect of my marriage is that my wife and I make great friends, and she is in many ways everything I want in a wife. She is intelligent, witty, she makes me laugh, she is successful, I respect her, and she is beautiful. Honestly I do not think there is anyone who could excite me the way she does.
> 
> The bad part of my marriage, and the reason for my post is that I am HD and she is LD. More than that is that she is by nature very cold toward me. She has always had a lack of affection but it has gotten worse, and it is VERY painful. She even gets upset at times if I try to hug her or kiss her deeper than a peck (each time rips my heart out! MY WIFE DOES NOT WANT ME TO SHOW HER ANY PASSION???). Her lack of affection is torture, but worse is the fact that I have to beg for sex, and if we do have sex it is for the most part mercy sex (so sad and unfulfilling). I have always had natural confidence in myself, but this has slowly been eroding the confidence that I have had.
> 
> ...


You have no kids with this woman. Your problem is you have placed her in a position in which she doesn't belong. She's a buddy. Great friends are fine but that's not the position she accepted and it's not the one she occupies. She isn't a wife and has no intention of being one. Just make it official and if you want to keep her as a fishing buddy or whatever, do so. If you want an intimate, loving relationship (and you should), find someone appropriate for that role. There is no need for either of you to live with the drama. You want a wife, she doesn't want to be one (at least, she doesn't want to be your's). A trip to the court house will solve both problems.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

+1000000000 to unbelievable.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

We are both in shape. We work out 3-4 times per week. We are both hard workers. I am still in school for pharmacy and she just graduated last year and practices as a physical therapist (so our financial situation is not too bad). Yes I did somewhat hover and seek affection, but I have not done that for about a year now. We are religious. She was raised by strict parents (maybe plays a part in her LD?). If I were to ask her for a nude pic she would say absolutely not most likely.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you're her dependent?


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

im_tam said:


> +1000000000 to unbelievable.


I am unsure what this means?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Your problem is not now, it's ten years down the road with caterers, kids, and sex once a month.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You want advice? Ok, here's some: Get a divorce as soon as practicable. This will not get better with time and would be infinitely worse if you had children.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you're her dependent?


Technically yes, but that has only been for about 8 months now. I have always made more money up till then (though it was not very much). Also I am in school still for a good job that pays well, so the prospect of that I would think would take me out of the running for lowly dependent husband.


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## TooMuchTalk (Mar 15, 2016)

Be patient and ride it out until 1 year after you've graduated and have been working. If your area is like mine, you'll have multiple good offers before you even finish your practical training. I'll bet things change a lot after you're working. Forget the MMSLP. It won't fix you problems. You've waited 10 year already. One more won't make a difference either way since you're still young. If she's truly everything you say then she's worth your effort. I can't give you actual useful, good advice as to what to do (can only tell you what didn't work for me). Other's on this site can though. Hopefully some of them will help you out...


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

TooMuchTalk said:


> Be patient and ride it out until 1 year after you've graduated and have been working. If your area is like mine, you'll have multiple good offers before you even finish your practical training. I'll bet things change a lot after you're working. Forget the MMSLP. It won't fix you problems. You've waited 10 year already. One more won't make a difference either way since you're still young. If she's truly everything you say then she's worth your effort. I can't give you actual useful, good advice as to what to do (can only tell you what didn't work for me). Other's on this site can though. Hopefully some of them will help you out...


I really appreciate your post. I read something you posted maybe yesterday and I almost commented on it. We seem to have a similar problem, so I really connected with it. Thanks for looking out.

For me I almost wish I could look at this and just say **** it, but if i did that and we got a divorce I would certainly be losing something I will most likely not find anywhere else. She is great in ways I have not explained, so if I did leave her I would maybe find someone who could meet my needs in the areas that are lacking, but almost certainly would not meet them in the ways she does. Also at this point my life is so closely bound to hers I sometimes think of myself as "us" not "me." Changing that even if it were for the better would leave a scar for sure.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

She may be the best "friend" in the world. But being a roommate is not a marriage. 

I suggested MMSLP because it's something that will make you ready for the next woman if it came to that. 

Obviously she's not attracted to you. Women don't want to have sex with someone they are not attracted to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

JustAFriend1 said:


> I am unsure what this means?


It means that I completely agree with what unbelievable has written and second it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

JustAFriend1 said:


> We are both in shape. We work out 3-4 times per week. We are both hard workers. I am still in school for pharmacy and she just graduated last year and practices as a physical therapist (so our financial situation is not too bad). Yes I did somewhat hover and seek affection, but I have not done that for about a year now. We are religious. She was raised by strict parents (maybe plays a part in her LD?). If I were to ask her for a nude pic she would say absolutely not most likely.


So, she's an admirable person, smart, religious in shape. What part of that means anything at all when you need intimacy and affection? If you felt loved you wouldn't have started this thread. You can get money from a job, from a lottery ticket, from a lawsuit, from a government card. It doesn't matter why you don't blow her skirt up. You just don't. If she were into you it wouldn't matter if her daddy was the pope and she was raised in the Vatican. She'd be jumping your bones every chance she got. You have a buddy and a roommate and that's all you have and that's all you're going to have. Sooner or later kids will arrive and you will become even less of a priority for her. Do you not believe that you and she both deserve to feel wanted, respected, and adored in this world? Do you both eagerly rush home to be with each other after school or work?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

JustAFriend1 said:


> I am 24, I have no children, and I have been married for 4 years now. We have been a couple for about 10 years. The good aspect of my marriage is that my wife and I make great friends, and she is in many ways everything I want in a wife. She is intelligent, witty, she makes me laugh, she is successful, I respect her, and she is beautiful. Honestly I do not think there is anyone who could excite me the way she does.
> 
> The bad part of my marriage, and the reason for my post is that I am HD and she is LD. More than that is that she is by nature very cold toward me. She has always had a lack of affection but it has gotten worse, and it is VERY painful. She even gets upset at times if I try to hug her or kiss her deeper than a peck (each time rips my heart out! MY WIFE DOES NOT WANT ME TO SHOW HER ANY PASSION???). Her lack of affection is torture, but worse is the fact that I have to beg for sex, and if we do have sex it is for the most part mercy sex (so sad and unfulfilling). I have always had natural confidence in myself, but this has slowly been eroding the confidence that I have had.
> 
> ...


RUN FOR THE HILLS !!

If you think it's bad now, wait till you have kids. WHATEVER you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN. Get your education out of the way and then RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN RUN!

PLEASE, for you, for TAM, for me, RUN !


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get out now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I wonder what the statistics are for relationships that start in junior high? 

Honestly it just doesn't sound like she's that into you. Once the stresses of life set in (kids, mortgage, career) it's going to get worse, not better. And you don't have to foundation to support those challenges. You're still young and childless. Do both of you a favor and go ahead and hit the reset button.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

TooMuchTalk said:


> Be patient and ride it out until 1 year after you've graduated and have been working. If your area is like mine, you'll have multiple good offers before you even finish your practical training. I'll bet things change a lot after you're working. Forget the MMSLP. It won't fix you problems. You've waited 10 year already. One more won't make a difference either way since you're still young. If she's truly everything you say then she's worth your effort. I can't give you actual useful, good advice as to what to do (can only tell you what didn't work for me). Other's on this site can though. Hopefully some of them will help you out...


The advice here is to financially exploit this woman another couple of years (at least)? What happens if she gets pregnant or hit by an ice cream truck and permanently disabled? He'll have the choice of dangling the rest of his days on a cross of loneliness and celibacy or being the guy who left his disabled wife or the guy who walked out on his kid. Would you give the same advise if you knew the OP only had two years left on this earth? Truth is, nobody knows if he gets another 70 years or 70 hours. Here's the way "suck it up" works. He hangs around till he finishes school and gets a decent gig. By that time, he's a father. He agrees to stick it out until the kid is in school. By that time, there's another kid, a mortgage, wife has a diagnosis of depression, dog has fleas, cat has hair balls,....he says he'll stick it out until kids are in college. By the time things are perfect for him to have a real life there will be no life left. He can nibble on that cheese and hope that metal bar doesn't snap across his neck but it's a near certainty that it will.


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## Pleaser44 (May 5, 2015)

I am a woman that has been with the same man for almost 20yrs,married 11. I am 45, he is 41. I live your life, other than we haven't had sex in over TWELVE months. We did separate for 2.5yrs, the sex never got better. . . . obviously. I"m a lonely bitter woman. We do not discuss it as my husband is on medication, and this is the side effect. I do not know what to tell you, u r not the only one. I'm also not sure I'm ready for divorce. we are BEST friends, GREAT roommates, and our children and grown and gone. this makes me lonelier!!!!! our sex therapist has tried to tell me on several occasions that it is NOT me. I'm a VERY proud woman, I have a great career, great friends/family, but this is the one piece missing in my pie of life. I"m at a cross road. . . . do I leave, or do I live with it as really when we hit the senior years (another 20yrs or so), friendship will be the most important thing in our lives.
should u wish to vent, talk. . . . i'm here. if u have learned anything to help you, please pass on to me hahaaaa


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JustAFriend1 said:


> I really appreciate your post. I read something you posted maybe yesterday and I almost commented on it. We seem to have a similar problem, so I really connected with it. Thanks for looking out.
> 
> For me I almost wish I could look at this and just say **** it, but if i did that and we got a divorce I would certainly be losing something I will most likely not find anywhere else. She is great in ways I have not explained, so if I did leave her I would maybe find someone who could meet my needs in the areas that are lacking, but almost certainly would not meet them in the ways she does. Also at this point my life is so closely bound to hers I sometimes think of myself as "us" not "me." Changing that even if it were for the better would leave a scar for sure.


I have to say this....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

You are not kidding me! Nope..... Yes, we are outsiders looking in. I am old but have seen it all.

I see this problem as a sore that will not heal. You will keep scratching it, pulling off the scab.

You are telling us that no other women can replace her? That is nonsense. You are 24 years old. You have 10 to 15 years to find another women. You can easily start over. You will and you can.

Sex and intimacy in the marriage is non-negotiable. It must be reasonably frequent for both parties, not for only one......the LD? 

Desire for intimacy can and does extend into the sixties [age-wise]. For some even longer !!

Do you want a lifetime of "not getting any"?

No, no, no.

With divorce off the table and on the path that you two are heading, I see one of you cheating. 

People on this site will ask you to check up on her. Withholding intimacy is one of the Red Flags that points to an affair. Most women can only give {one man at a time} any affection.

Do some detective work. It may be a waste of time but you do not know until you know. Trust but verify.

Good Luck


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Pleaser44 said:


> I am a woman that has been with the same man for almost 20yrs,married 11. I am 45, he is 41. I live your life, other than *we haven't had sex in over TWELVE months*. We did separate for 2.5yrs, the sex never got better. . . . obviously. I"m a lonely bitter woman. We do not discuss it as my husband is on medication, and this is the side effect. I do not know what to tell you, u r not the only one. I'm also not sure I'm ready for divorce. we are *BEST friends, GREAT roommates*, and our children and grown and gone. this makes me lonelier!!!!! our sex therapist has tried to tell me on several occasions that it is NOT me. I'm a VERY proud woman, I have a great career, great friends/family, but this is the one piece missing in my pie of life. I"m at a cross road. . . . do I leave, or do I live with it as really when we hit the senior years (another 20yrs or so), friendship will be the most important thing in our lives.
> should u wish to vent, talk. . . . i'm here. if u have learned anything to help you, please pass on to me hahaaaa


This was me but things did get better. However, our marriage almost feel apart and we separated for a few months because I sought attention elsewhere. I did not have a physical affair but thought about it. Anyway, for me, had we not almost divorced, I don't think things would have gotten better. I don't condone seeking attention elsewhere but I do think if the problem has gone on for this long, it won't get better unless your ready to walk away. Sometimes for both parties, when you realize it really could be over, you decide how much you either do or don't want to work for it.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

Pleaser44 said:


> I am a woman that has been with the same man for almost 20yrs,married 11. I am 45, he is 41. I live your life, other than we haven't had sex in over TWELVE months. We did separate for 2.5yrs, the sex never got better. . . . obviously. I"m a lonely bitter woman. We do not discuss it as my husband is on medication, and this is the side effect. I do not know what to tell you, u r not the only one. I'm also not sure I'm ready for divorce. we are BEST friends, GREAT roommates, and our children and grown and gone. this makes me lonelier!!!!! our sex therapist has tried to tell me on several occasions that it is NOT me. I'm a VERY proud woman, I have a great career, great friends/family, but this is the one piece missing in my pie of life. I"m at a cross road. . . . do I leave, or do I live with it as really when we hit the senior years (another 20yrs or so), friendship will be the most important thing in our lives.
> 
> 
> should u wish to vent, talk. . . . i'm here. if u have learned anything to help you, please pass on to me hahaaaa


Wow, it really does seem like you live the same life as I do. I love everything I have for the most part. I have great friends, family, and a promising career ahead. Another thing is that my wife suffers from depression and it got somewhat serious a couple years ago and that is really when things got worse for us in the affection/intimacy department. So an illness makes things harder for me as well, and it is hard to talk to her about it. That makes the idea of leaving even tougher to entertain knowing it is not her fault that she is not turned on by much any longer. Thanks for sharing.

Just out of curiosity can I ask if you would do it all over again with him? Knowing he would make a great friend but not a great lover? I hope that is not too personal.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Depression, hmmm is there Medication? Known side effect possible. If you could fix this by talking to her Doctor would you?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

You're only 24 years old - do you want to be stuck in a roommate relationship for the rest of your life? I'm in my fifties and just ended a 3 year marriage due to lack of sex - it drove me bat**** crazy! You have the rest of your life ahead of you - my advice would be to divorce now - this is not going to get any better, it will only get worse with resentment building up on both sides which will ruin any friendship that you now enjoy. Run! I got out of my marriage 6 months ago and have not regretted it even for a single second.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Depression, hmmm is there Medication? Known side effect possible. If you could fix this by talking to her Doctor would you?


No medication and there never will be. We have talked about it and she will absolutely not go to the doctor for it and she will not take anything for it. I am completely open to it. In fact I want her to see someone, but it is just not my decision. It has gotten a lot better, but she is definitely still affected by it. Depression, like sex, is extremely hard to talk about. I shared with her mom that she was suffering from this horrible illness a couple years back when it got really bad and she was very VERY upset that I did. Keep in mind I shared that with her MOTHER, and she still was hurt that i did. She accepts that she has it which is a good first step but she wont go further than that. She now has an awesome job and we are more stable now (less stress=less depression) so she is doing much much better.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You are seeing people telling you to leave her. I agree.

She may be your best friend but a lack of intimacy is impossible to work around. I tried. Turned myself inside out, went to gyms, got different jobs, showered her with affection and tried in so many ways to become the man that she wanted.

I have no doubt that you love her and she loves you. She loves you as her best friend and because of this allows you to have sex with her. It hurts her to do this which is why there is no affection. She also resents that you want sex and this makes it worse.

This it is a no win situation for both of you. 
Your wife should desire you. You should desire her. End of story

You will never be her guy and now is the time to end this for both of you to find the people you are meant to be with. 

Stop hurting each other. That leads nowhere good.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Two people in the medical industry who refuse to see a Doctor. You are giving me all kinds of confidence here. I suppose therapy is also ruled out? You think you can fix this all by your little selves? This is not a relationship bandaid. This is Trauma center stuff. Your relationship has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. It's time to take things seriously. Despite the wonderful people you are, your relationship is not viable. That is what everyone here is trying to tell you. Now you are telling us there is a medical condition behind this but it is willingly being untreated.


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

TooMuchTalk said:


> Be patient and ride it out until 1 year after you've graduated and have been working. If your area is like mine, you'll have multiple good offers before you even finish your practical training. I'll bet things change a lot after you're working. Forget the MMSLP. It won't fix you problems. You've waited 10 year already. One more won't make a difference either way since you're still young. If she's truly everything you say then she's worth your effort. I can't give you actual useful, good advice as to what to do (can only tell you what didn't work for me). Other's on this site can though. Hopefully some of them will help you out...



Wrong, immediately look up No more Mister Nice Guy and MMSLP. It will work but it takes longer the longer you have been married. If this marriage can't be saved, it sets you up for a successful next marriage.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Two people in the medical industry who refuse to see a Doctor. You are giving me all kinds of confidence here. I suppose therapy is also ruled out? You think you can fix this all by your little selves? This is not a relationship bandaid. This is Trauma center stuff. Your relationship has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. It's time to take things seriously. Despite the wonderful people you are, your relationship is not viable. That is what everyone here is trying to tell you. Now you are telling us there is a medical condition behind this but it is willingly being untreated.


I would very much like her to see someone. I have tried multiple times to get her to see someone but she just wont. Medication saves lives and increases quality of life. I believe that and so should you. (I had to put that to boost your confidence) But you are right this is serious. One treatment that does not involve medication and sharing with a professional is working out and we have been doing that. It truly seems to be working so I am not going to mess that up with urging a doctor visit. If it gets bad again I will definitely urge her to go and see someone. Right now however, she seems to be doing well.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for mismatched libidos:

1. Do not get married until you resolve the mismatch. It is not fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids until you resolve the mismatch. It is not fair to the kids.

You have already broken rule #1. Do not be stupid and break rule #2. You have been warned.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Ha.. Almost everyone telling you to leave. I agree.. I'm in middle of divorcing wife of 8 years. 2 kids under 6, mortgage, etc. We didn't have sex in last 4 years. Yup, read that right. Sex in early years wasn't that great, continued to get worse. Took me 4 years to come to reality and acknowledge i was living in meaningless marriage. Should be divorced by July. Reasons were i hated my wife due to the fighting, resinmnent. Then she gained weight and i became unattractive to her physically, not just emotionally.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Hold's 2 rules for mismatched libidos:
> 
> 1. Do not get married until you resolve the mismatch. It is not fair to either of you.
> 2. Do not have kids until you resolve the mismatch. It is not fair to the kids.
> ...


Why is having kids the natural next step? I do not ever want children, and neither does she. We have talked about it multiple times and we are certain we do not ever want one. Finding someone who is my age (prime child bearing age) who does not have or want to have a child would be very hard. Just another thing that makes it hard to look outside of our marriage and begin thinking about divorce. So no worries about the breaking rule two (I guess there could be some worry actually seeing how accidents happen). Anyhow no children planned in the future. Just to throw it out there I do like children. I just do not want one.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Then you're just roommates. Makes perfect sense


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

JustAFriend1 said:


> Why is having kids the natural next step? I do not ever want children, and neither does she. We have talked about it multiple times and we are certain we do not ever want one. Finding someone who is my age (prime child bearing age) who does not have or want to have a child would be very hard. Just another thing that makes it hard to look outside of our marriage and begin thinking about divorce. So no worries about the breaking rule two (I guess there could be some worry actually seeing how accidents happen). Anyhow no children planned in the future. Just to throw it out there I do like children. I just do not want one.


This just screams rationalization. But it sounds like you're not willing make changes, so you should start working on being happy with YOUR choices.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

john117 said:


> Your problem is not now, it's ten years down the road with caterers, kids, and sex once a month.


I don't think you need to have caterers in to have sex. A snack before hand or licking whipped cream off you partner will usually keep you going. :rofl:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

ing said:


> You are seeing people telling you to leave her. I agree.
> 
> She may be your best friend but a lack of intimacy is impossible to work around. I tried. Turned myself inside out, went to gyms, got different jobs, showered her with affection and tried in so many ways to become the man that she wanted.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with this post. Get out now before you bring kids into this dysfunctional relationship. That will only make everything worse.


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## JustAFriend1 (Mar 20, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This just screams rationalization. But it sounds like you're not willing make changes, so you should start working on being happy with YOUR choices.


I am certainly willing to make changes! in fact I am going to read a book that was recommended from this post. However, I am not willing to get divorced. Not yet anyway. I think the divorce advice makes complete sense and it is all very logical. Everyone can tell I am not happy (and likely the reason I am not happy will not change), but I am still hopeful and I am gonna put a bit more work into my marriage first. I appreciate every post so far and just reading some of the stories that are similar to mine helps. What I am taking from all of the divorce advice is that I am not a bad guy for wanting intimacy. I have felt guilty for a while pushing for it, but I see that there are a lot of people who have gone so far as to break up decade long marriages because of this very problem. 

I am planning on writing a letter to her soon (I have been reading other posts and it does not work a lot of the time but it is worth a try). I am hoping I can portray my feelings better on paper than with words. I guess we will see.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't write a letter.

Just...stop. Stop talking about it.

Talk less...do more.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I think it's normal to think your're selfish for wanting an intimate relationship and a great sex life. I sure thought I was selfish and stayed in my miserable marriage for way too long. But I have kids, so I had legit reasons to stick it out for as long as possible. 

Staying in a sexless and loveless marriage is not healthy. It's a valid reason for divorce and your close family and real friends will understand. It's not something to be embarrassed by. Just don't have regret 5, 10, 15, 20 years later. You'll read on here about people that stayed in marriages with no sex or not even kissing for 10+ years just to see their kids graduate high school. Then they tell about the regret not getting out sooner. It's sad.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

workindad said:


> I absolutely agree with this post. Get out now before you bring kids into this dysfunctional relationship. That will only make everything worse.


And don't we know it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Finish your schooling before you bail out of the rear-side door at 1250 ft. 

Getting out now would complicate things. She may be waiting for the " *magic" date, also. She may be waiting because of what......guilt.....a sense of responsibility...."I love you but I am not in love with you".

Dunno....wait....and no children.... then divorce. 

*Your graduation date.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

JustAFriend1 said:


> No medication and there never will be. We have talked about it and she will absolutely not go to the doctor for it and she will not take anything for it.


This is exactly what I said about cholesterol medication right before my massive heart attack. Not a whole lot of fun.
Time and pain have a way of changing a person, dramatically


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> I don't think you need to have caterers in to have sex. A snack before hand or licking whipped cream off you partner will usually keep you going. :rofl:


Autocorrect faux pas


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

JustAFriend1 said:


> I am certainly willing to make changes! in fact I am going to read a book that was recommended from this post. However, I am not willing to get divorced. Not yet anyway. I think the divorce advice makes complete sense and it is all very logical. Everyone can tell I am not happy (and likely the reason I am not happy will not change), but I am still hopeful and I am gonna put a bit more work into my marriage first. I appreciate every post so far and just reading some of the stories that are similar to mine helps. What I am taking from all of the divorce advice is that I am not a bad guy for wanting intimacy. I have felt guilty for a while pushing for it, but I see that there are a lot of people who have gone so far as to break up decade long marriages because of this very problem.
> 
> I am planning on writing a letter to her soon (I have been reading other posts and it does not work a lot of the time but it is worth a try). I am hoping I can portray my feelings better on paper than with words. I guess we will see.



Here is the deal.
After reading this thread we are ALL basically telling you that you have gangrene and you need to cut off your leg. You don't want to cut off your leg. What you do not realize is that this gangrene will eventually kill you (emotionally and figuratively) if you don't cut it off.

Difference is, THIS leg can grow back.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Do not talk to your W about sex until you have read both NMMNG and MMSLP. Or write her a letter. If she shoots you down when you make an attempt, don't fuss about, just go do something you want to do for fun (and it should not be with her). Hit the gym, go fishing, take the dog for a walk, whatever.

You come across as weak if you beg and plead for sex, which in the end will make your sex life even worse.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Another bit of advice: do not hold back on asking for sex out of fear that you will be rejected or out of concern that you are putting too much pressure on your W. If you want to resolve this, you need to make it clear to her exactly how often you desire to have sex with her and exactly how often she rejects you. One major problem that Nice Guys like you (and me) make is to self-edit. We feel horny but we don't ask because we (usually correctly) detect that the chances of success are small. But if you do that, you are hiding from your wife the true extent of her rejection of you. She only sees the times she explicitly says no or pushes your hand away. She doesn't see or feel all the times you want sex but don't even bother to ask because you know in advance the answer will be no. If you want her to see and feel the full extent of the problem, you need to initiate EVERY time you want to have sex with her.

Not saying this will get you any more sex than you get now. Good chance you will get less because she will become so annoyed by the constant overtures from you. But it will place the scale of the problem in full view to both of you. Makes it much harder for either of you to pretend that this is only a minor problem.

Last bit of advice: I make this suggestion many times and no one has ever taken me up on it, but no reason you can't be the first. Propose this deal to your wife - we trade weeks. That is, the first and third weeks of each month she gets to decide how often the 2 of you have sex. Which might be not at all. The second and fourth weeks of each month, you get to decide. What could be more equal and fair to both of you? 

That way, instead of you never getting as much sex as you want and her always feeling pressured to have sex more than she wants, each of you gets to feel relaxed and in control half the time. Win - win. Oh, what is that she says? That she has no intention of granting consent "on demand" 50% of the time? She wants to have control of how often you guys have sex 100% of the time? Fine. Now let her try to explain how that is fair or equal or reciprocal.

Again, I am not suggesting that these proposals will result in you getting more sex. But they will result in her having a much more difficult time rationalizing that her behavior is fair to you.


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