# Same old story



## Kindheart79

Hi! I have a 15 year old common law marriage. Four kids, and trying to strike a balance between valuing being home with the kids, and valuing sex love & affection, which are not reciprocated by my.. let's caller her my room mate.


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## MattMatt

Why are they not reciprocating?


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## Kindheart79

Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.

I assumed It was something else, or depression, me being too beta, etc, but her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.

Anyway I read a pile of books and have re centered myself and am trying to decide what to do next. 

I have had a few of my friends tell me that she has asperger's too so.. it is a bit of a strange situation, even though it sounds typical.

I'm not sure if anyone can help me ( next steps are ones I need to take alone...) but I have learned a lot over the past year and have been helping my friends with their own issues ( mostly by recommending books ) so I may be able to add some value to the forum...


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## MattMatt

Kindheart79 said:


> Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.
> 
> I assumed It was something else, or depression, me being too beta, etc, but her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.
> 
> Anyway I read a pile of books and have re centered myself and am trying to decide what to do next.
> 
> I have had a few of my friends tell me that she has asperger's too so.. it is a bit of a strange situation, even though it sounds typical.
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone can help me ( next steps are ones I need to take alone...) but I have learned a lot over the past year and have been helping my friends with their own issues ( mostly by recommending books ) so I may be able to add some value to the forum...


Has she been diagnosed as having Asperger's?


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## 3Xnocharm

Kindheart79 said:


> Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.
> 
> I assumed It was something else, or depression, me being too beta, etc, but her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.
> 
> Anyway I read a pile of books and have re centered myself and am trying to decide what to do next.
> 
> I have had a few of my friends tell me that she has asperger's too so.. it is a bit of a strange situation, even though it sounds typical.
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone can help me ( next steps are ones I need to take alone...) but I have learned a lot over the past year and have been helping my friends with their own issues ( mostly by recommending books ) so I may be able to add some value to the forum...


Sounds like its time you made a decision as to whether you can live within a sexless marriage or not. Is this what you want? Have you considered asking about an open relationship? She has pretty much given you no choice in this matter, so its either she agrees that you can get sex elsewhere, you divorce, or you sit.


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## Casual Observer

Kindheart79 said:


> Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.
> 
> I assumed It was something else, or depression, me being too beta, etc, but her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.


If that's not something you're willing to do without, have you explained that to her, and what that means? I think it's a very common misconception among women that, for guys, sex is just a physical act, when in fact, for many of us, it creates and reinforces an emotional bond to our partner, and I think it's even-more-important for men in long term relationships. We talk a lot about the reduced importance of sex for women in LTRs but rarely if ever mention that, for some of us guys, it might be more important later in the relationship than earlier.

Are you prepared to spell out to her that the current scenario is unacceptable, and what the consequences would likely be? How does she respond to the idea that you're not just two individuals but also a couple, a relationship, and that, for most couples, doing something that makes the other person happier makes them happier as well? What is a relationship in which the act or inaction of one person hurts the other, especially when it's a change from the past?

Have you seen a therapist? Are you together because of an accidental pregnancy 15 years ago? Is it possible that a fear of becoming pregnant made sex exciting to her, and now that that's gone, it's not fun anymore? That's a bit different take on the "sex is for babies only" thing that she brought up.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kindheart79 said:


> Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.


When she said this, why didnt you point to the door and suggest she walk through it? How many years has it been now?


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## TJW

Kindheart79 said:


> her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.


I think you're right. And, your title says that you fully understand. It is, indeed, the same old story. Paycheck, and sperm donor. And, God help you if you try to stop the paycheck....

"sex is for babies" is also a common belief.

Don't put any stock in what friends tell you. I mean, of course, they might be right, but there's nothing so common as laypeople making immediate diagnoses with no data. If a professional says "Asperger" then you should pay attention.


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## Yeswecan

Sex is a part of marriage. Your W has an odd view that sex is for simply making babies. I guess you could tell your W that the paycheck is to feed/cloth her and the children. Nothing else. Pull the TV out. Forget extra curricular activities. Vacation is canceled. Let her deal.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Give your wife this link - https://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/understanding-your-husbands-hurt/
and tell her that sex is how you feel the closest to her, AND you cannot see yourself living the rest of your life not having a close relationship with your wife.

DON'T tell her that unless you are ready to walk away. There really is nothing else you can do except workout, get yourself mentally prepared to move on. Unless SHE chooses to change, it's a lost cause.


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## farsidejunky

Kindheart79 said:


> Things have always been a bit off. But, a few years ago after getting a vasectomy, she told me sex is for babies so she doesnt want to any more.
> 
> I assumed It was something else, or depression, me being too beta, etc, but her actions back her words up 100% so now I think she was just being honest.
> 
> Anyway I read a pile of books and have re centered myself and am trying to decide what to do next.
> 
> I have had a few of my friends tell me that she has asperger's too so.. it is a bit of a strange situation, even though it sounds typical.
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone can help me ( next steps are ones I need to take alone...) but I have learned a lot over the past year and have been helping my friends with their own issues ( mostly by recommending books ) so I may be able to add some value to the forum...


Her: Sex is for babies.

You, shrugging: Marriage is for sex.

When she accuses you of only wanting one thing from her, again shrug your shoulders and say:

You've made it clear that not caring about how the other feels is an acceptable way to remain in a marriage.

Then go make a sandwich or do something fun you want to do. She is blowing you off, and you are allowing it.

If she is on the spectrum, you have a tough row to hoe.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt

farsidejunky said:


> Her: Sex is for babies.
> 
> You, shrugging: Marriage is for sex.


 Maybe it is, but they're not married so he can't use that argument.


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## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Maybe it is, but they're not married so he can't use that argument.


Then change it to "relationships are for sex."


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## Livvie

MattMatt said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe it is, but they're not married so he can't use that argument.
> 
> 
> 
> Then change it to "relationships are for sex."
Click to expand...

Not really. They don't have to be. I think a more accurate statement would be, I want to be in a relationship that includes sex. It doesn't work for me to live in a relationship without that kind of connection.


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## Married but Happy

You're not married. So, depending on where you live, you may be able to just walk away (or kick her out) and only deal with child support. No alimony or asset splits - maybe. Anyway, if you want a sex life (and more important, someone who loves you and values intimacy), it's long past time to leave and find one. Get a good lawyer, though - it may be more complicated than a divorce since there are no clear laws about this.


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