# threesome?



## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

I have been lurking on this board for a couple of years. I ‘m trying to understand my Husbands thought process.

We have been together for 23 years and are in our 40’s, a Couple of years ago I cheated on my husband and hurt him deeply, we have been on the road to recovery and are doing well. I need to give a little back ground to ask my question, before I had cheated we were living a sexless marriage, I would ask for sex and for whatever reason it was not something that would happen, I took this as his lack of desire to be with me as his sex drive was still there. 

Before I had the affair, my husband had brought up having a threesome. He knew I would not be comfortable with being with a woman so we could look for a man, part of me said, it could be fun to find a random person to watch us or maybe go further and part of me said, that if we did this, he would have wished we hadn’t, I kept thinking that he would ask me all kinds of questions, like ( did you like him better than me, etc.) and it could destroy our marriage.

I decided we shouldn’t go through with it, well 6 month later I cheated on my husband with a ransom person for nothing more than sex.

This brings me to today. 

My husband asked me about my fantasies and what kind of fantasies do I have, I have a hard time with this as I don’t really have to many fantasies (before or after I cheated) other than just having fun sex with him, I would like to be tied up and simple stuff like that. He then asked about having a threesome with another man, he said that was one of his fantasies, he would like to see me have extreme pleasure and wants to watch my facial expressions. 

I was not sure how to react to this, Is he testing me? I said, Im not sure it’s a good idea! We ended up getting hot and heavy and he was talking dirty to me and putting the images of another man in my head as we were enjoying each other. 

I don’t want to ignore his request as he asked me to consider it, Im just afraid with all that has happened it could destroy the marriage we are slowly putting back together?

part of me wants to give him this.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

If it's a fantasy he was good with prior to your A, it may be one he's come back around to now.

That said, some things sound great in fantasy, but the reality is that there would be three living, breathing, thinking, feeling human beings in the situation, not two plus an abstract, emotionless concept of a third person. So, things could still get messy.

Prior to my wife's A, she confided in me that she'd often fantasized (strongly) about being with another woman. After much discussion and consideration, I gave my blessing as long as I was at least allowed to be in the room. (My participation was neither mandatory nor expected, but if invited, I had the option to join.) She began to somewhat look for a woman who interested her and who would agree to our terms. Then she had her A (with a man). As our recovery became more solid, the subject of her curiosity came up, and I volunteered that, given what I felt was a different nature to it, she still had my permission, under the same conditions. She replied that, while hs appreciated the offer, and I clearly felt I'd be able to handle it, she didn't think I'd be able to...at least, didn't think I would to the point that she was willing to risk what we'd rebuilt.

So, she makes do with her fantasy remaining in fantasy land, enjoying the scenery when we go to the strip club or in watching girl/girl porn occasionally.

She may be right...maybe I wouldn't be as accepting as I think I'd be. I respect her decision.

So, if you both feel like you want to do it, ask yourselves if you REALLY think it's a good idea for you. And, if you decide to proceed, do so with eyes open to the possibility that one or both of you may have a negative response to the situation, and be prepared to accept the consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How is your sex life now that you've reconciled? Given your history, I'd be very, very careful with this idea, and would recommend against it. It could trigger some issues with him that he may not even realize still exist after your affair. I suggest keeping it as a fantasy or role play, and not bring in anyone else.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Grayson said:


> If it's a fantasy he was good with prior to your A, it may be one he's come back around to now.
> 
> That said, some things sound great in fantasy, but the reality is that there would be three living, breathing, thinking, feeling human beings in the situation, not two plus an abstract, emotionless concept of a third person. So, things could still get messy.
> 
> ...


Im not sure how to feel about it, I told him NO before as I was worried it was a mistake and then went on to have a ONS.

Part of me feels I owe him this experience. If he picked the person and maybe I was blindfolded, so the whole experience was feel not sight I would have nothing more than pleasure and could not compare people (per say).

I can’t shake the feeling that it could cause problems after the fact. I want to be open minded, however I don’t want to trigger him.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> How is your sex life now that you've reconciled? Given your history, I'd be very, very careful with this idea, and would recommend against it. It could trigger some issues with him that he may not even realize still exist after your affair. I suggest keeping it as a fantasy or role play, and not bring in anyone else.



The first Year we were at each other a couple times a day and started to have sex in public and a few other types of playful behaviors. 

We have slowed down quite a bit, once every week and a half now. I do want it more frequently and I think he does also, life keeps getting in the way. Maybe go to a sex club and watch others would be a good alternative.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

learning to love myself said:


> Im not sure how to feel about it, I told him NO before as I was worried it was a mistake and then went on to have a ONS.
> 
> Part of me feels I owe him this experience. If he picked the person and maybe I was blindfolded, so the whole experience was feel not sight I would have nothing more than pleasure and could not compare people (per say).
> 
> I can’t shake the feeling that it could cause problems after the fact. I want to be open minded, however I don’t want to trigger him.


He could trigger.

For that matter, YOU could trigger.

A frank, open and honest conversation about it, preferably in a setting not conducive to letting the fantasy spark your libidos and make either of you jump into something you're not comfortable with - is in order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I'd be careful of this type of thing. It can wreck your marriage. It was already on the brink once. Your relationship May not be able to withstand this. Hard to say but I'd feel this out more and ask many questions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmmm, is it possible he wanted you to have an affair in some weird way?

I think threesomes wreck more marriages than you would care to know.

doesn't sound like a marriage builder to me.

I would offer to spice it up with different ways.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it would probably be a disaster.
Keep rebuilding your marriage. If he wants to see you pleasured, try a mirror so he can see your face and from different angles while he penetrates you, try video linked to different monitors with more than one camera going to maximize his viewing pleasure. You could even invest in a machine dildo that can fvck you while he watches. There are lots of possibilities to explore to satisfy his desires without you getting another mans load blown in you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Was he aroused by your one night stand or okay with it at least? I'm confused on how you have been with someone else and he wants you to be with yet another person. No judgment on either point - it's just a little confusing that he can be so hurt by you having casual sex with a stranger and then turn around and say he wants you to do it again but he would like to watch.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Was he aroused by your one night stand or okay with it at least? I'm confused on how you have been with someone else and he wants you to be with yet another person. No judgment on either point - it's just a little confusing that he can be so hurt by you having casual sex with a stranger and then turn around and say he wants you to do it again but he would like to watch.



Miss Scarlett,

You have touched on a point that I keep thinking about, He was beyond hurt, it has been almost 2.5 years and I only go to work by myself, otherwise we are together at all times, I call him on my way to work until I get there and then on my way home until I pull up in the driveway. I don’t see friends anymore and family I only see with him. 

He asks me all the time about why did I do this when he wanted to have this fantasy play out. I do tell him the truth but he doesn’t like my answer. We were having sex maybe once a year for the last 6 or more years (can’t keep count)and I felt rejected, he told me that sex isn’t a necessity. And just didn’t seem to want it with me. However he takes care of his needs daily, watch’s porn etc. The message I was being sent was he didn’t want me.

I truly felt ugly, fat and undesired, I discussed this with him and it left me sad and hurt and no closer to fixing the problems. (I asked for counseling, he doesn’t believe in it, said he went for over a year and it didn’t help). It truly snowballed when one day a man told me I was sexy and I laughed at him and he said you’re kidding right, you have to be told that all of the time, you are so beautiful. I was weak and fell for it all, it seemed the men everywhere were starting to flirt with me and I ate it up. I then went looking for a casual one time hook-up.

Im truly confused why he is asking for this, how could he handle another man touch me when he was so angry and hurt that my house looked like a bomb went off in it. He made me tell everyone, including my kids about it. I still cry daily about hurting him. 

I used to think he almost wanted me to cheat on him, I felt he did things that would push me that way.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I think it would probably be a disaster.
> Keep rebuilding your marriage. If he wants to see you pleasured, try a mirror so he can see your face and from different angles while he penetrates you, try video linked to different monitors with more than one camera going to maximize his viewing pleasure. You could even invest in a machine dildo that can fvck you while he watches. There are lots of possibilities to explore to satisfy his desires without you getting another mans load blown in you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you, I have done everything on your suggested list with the exception on the machine, he has always had a voyeur side, for a lot of years I would masterbate knowing he had a hidden camera, in hopes that would bring him back to the bed. instead it got easier for him to take care of himself.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> hmmm, is it possible he wanted you to have an affair in some weird way?
> 
> I think threesomes wreck more marriages than you would care to know.
> 
> ...



I offend thought the same thing, he did things prior to me cheating on him that most women would have left him for.
I realized this was an addiction that he would need to get a handle on or it would eventually ruin his life and his family.
He had gotten in trouble for doing them with not only me but was arrested for them. 

He had stayed out of trouble for the last 8 years, however I know it is still there. I don’t ever bring up the things he has done that hurt me so deeply,
he has told me many times that in no way has what he has done compare to what I did. 

I feel like Im not sure what to do, I sometimes think he is testing me to see if I would jump at the chance to sleep with another man.
In my heart I feel total remorse for what I did and will never do anything like that again, he doesn’t seem to understand that all I ever wanted was for him to want me.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Grayson said:


> He could trigger.
> 
> For that matter, YOU could trigger.
> 
> ...


Your right! I cry alot and my guilt could send me into a tail spin. I have had some hard times with all of this, I know I created the mess and sometimes it feels as if everyone would be better off with out me.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Fordsvt said:


> I'd be careful of this type of thing. It can wreck your marriage. It was already on the brink once. Your relationship May not be able to withstand this. Hard to say but I'd feel this out more and ask many questions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed!

Do you think going to a sex club where we are in a public place being watched with no other people joining in would be a bad step? Could it take the needing a third person to join in out because we are being watched?


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

You want him to want you, that's fine. A threesome isn't going to make that happen. I agree with others suggesting frank, open, deep discussion about your needs and the meeting of his. You both need to communicate your desires and make them conscious decisions each day to do out of sacrificial love for each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Sounds like your H's threesome fantasy is mainly voyeuristic (wants to see your face experiencing pleasure, etc.). No mention of his own participation? Your A hurt him because he was not a witness, not because you had sex with a stranger. You went behind his back and deprived him of his fantasy of watching you have sex.

Sounds pretty messed up. I'd try counseling or therapy again before considering an actual threesome, sex club or anything IRL. The latter could really backfire.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

This is one fantasy that is better as a fantasy. Making this a realtiy is a bad idea.

So what if he comes home tomorrow and you greet him at the door wearing a long coat, with nothing or a little something underneath?

Have you tried roleplaying? It is good to exchange fantasies with each other, but not all should be a reality.

After my WW, the last thing I would ever want to see is her with another man. I have enough nightmares and mindgames that will torment me until I die. 

Make some of the other fantasies become reality, but not this one.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ok after reading your last couple of responces I think that you will never be happy married to this..............guy.

just too much to over come. 

no sex drive for you.
wants you too have sex with others
and you indicate that he got in trouble for thing before???? whatever that means.

cut you losses and give this.........douch bag the boot.

JMHO.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Some fantasies are better kept as fantasies. Thats why you get it all out of your system in college / younger years. The thought of seeing you with another man may sound appealing to him but the reality of being in a room with a 6 foot 8 guy named Rodney plowing, plundering and pounding away at you with wild abandon might be too hard to swallow......just saying!

When it doubt, take the high road!


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> Sounds like your H's threesome fantasy is mainly voyeuristic (wants to see your face experiencing pleasure, etc.). No mention of his own participation? Your A hurt him because he was not a witness, not because you had sex with a stranger. You went behind his back and deprived him of his fantasy of watching you have sex.
> 
> Sounds pretty messed up. I'd try counseling or therapy again before considering an actual threesome, sex club or anything IRL. The latter could really backfire.


OMG I think your right, this would backfire. I do love him and have been with him longer than without him, I know he would never agree to counceling as I told him I wanted to read on this board on how to help him heal and he told me he would divorce me if I did. I know being on here is against what he wants I just dont have anyone to talk to.

He has worked so hard to over come his sexual Impulses, like being a voyeur, now Im wondering if he is viewing me without love at all.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

aston said:


> Some fantasies are better kept as fantasies. Thats why you get it all out of your system in college / younger years. The thought of seeing you with another man may sound appealing to him but the reality of being in a room with a 6 foot 8 guy named Rodney plowing, plundering and pounding away at you with wild abandon might be too hard to swallow......just saying!
> 
> When it doubt, take the high road!


Agreed, I guess being in two long term relationships with no downtime will rear its ugly head.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey. After your responses, I think your H needs some serious IC. He is a fetish addict and has already got in trouble for it and won't even have sex with you(mostly just wants to watch).
This is also very unhealthy for you. You have done what you could, now please seriously consider doing a 180 on him if he will not agree to work on his problems (Get IC)!!! 

I know you love him but he needs to learn to love you! Right now, you have been turned into a steak that he wants to feed to another man. You have been objectified by his porn and fetish addiction.
You deserve to be treated better and you need self respect.
You need love to but your H is not ready yet, I hope he steps up.
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> ok after reading your last couple of responces I think that you will never be happy married to this..............guy.
> 
> just too much to over come.
> 
> ...


We have over come a lot in the last 23 years together,. I too am a broken person and it has taken me years to realize it's not my fault that I was molested as a child. 

Im very open about this part of my life and feel that people can change, I know my husband has done things that the majority of people would look down upon and most would never take the time to help or try to understand, I know him and he is a wonderful person, he is kind, warm and thoughtful, unfortunately he has some flaws. 

I may never be able to help him overcome the things that are broken within him but I know he dosent want to hurt me, I sometimes think he dose do things to try and make me leave because he feels guilty.

Im not without sin, I could allow the past to eat at me and make me bitter or I could try to make today better, I choose to be the person who takes each day and try to learn from what comes my way. Does that make me crazy? a little bit.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

learning to love myself said:


> Agreed!
> 
> Do you think going to a sex club where we are in a public place being watched with no other people joining in would be a bad step? Could it take the needing a third person to join in out because we are being watched?


It sounds like to me your hubby has a cuckold fetish and when you cheated on him you denied him his fantasy which is probably the reason he was hurt. Id proceed but with caution...

Also, my wife & I are swingers


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> OMG
> He has worked so hard to over come his sexual Impulses, like being a voyeur, now Im wondering if he is viewing me without love at all.


 You said that you didn't want to say what your husband did and he got arrested for but I have a gut feeling that him getting into trouble is because of his voyeuristic fantasy. I could be wrong and if so then I apologize but it seems to me that his fantasy is more important to him then your affair.

I think he felt cheated not because of the affair but that he couldn't watch. it's one thing to have a fantasy and another to let it consume a person. 

My advice is to tell him no. If he asks why, just tell him that you wouldn't be comfortable with it. If the affair is brought up tell him that's the reason and you do not want to cross that line again even with his blessing. If he loves you then respect your wishes. All in all, he does need to see a counselor because his fantasy might get in the way of reality.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

learning to love myself said:


> I have been lurking on this board for a couple of years. I ‘m trying to understand my Husbands thought process.
> 
> We have been together for 23 years and are in our 40’s, a Couple of years ago I cheated on my husband and hurt him deeply, we have been on the road to recovery and are doing well. I need to give a little back ground to ask my question, before I had cheated we were living a sexless marriage, I would ask for sex and for whatever reason it was not something that would happen, I took this as his lack of desire to be with me as his sex drive was still there.
> 
> ...


MY wife would not even consider this...........it wouldn't even be a thought besides:

*"Are you freaking crazy. You want me to have sex with another man!!"*


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

are you guys crazy?? another person in a relationship that is already in trouble? You mention you have children.. imagine what kind of impact this could have on them. Is this something you would ever be embarrassed or ashamed to have them find out? Filter that through the eyes of your kids and then make a decision.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> are you guys crazy?? another person in a relationship that is already in trouble? You mention you have children.. imagine what kind of impact this could have on them. Is this something you would ever be embarrassed or ashamed to have them find out? Filter that through the eyes of your kids and then make a decision.


When we have threesomes or 4somes we do not bring the other people into our relationship any more than we bring sex toys into it. In other words the other people we play with are there for one purpose and that is to fulfill our fantasies.

Also, we do not bring our playmates home so our kids are unaware of what we do.


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## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> When we have threesomes or 4somes we do not bring the other people into our relationship any more than we bring sex toys into it. In other words the other people we play with are there for one purpose and that is to fulfill our fantasies.
> 
> Also, we do not bring our playmates home so our kids are unaware of what we do.


Maybe I'm missing something in your post, but I don't see how having sex with other people does not bring them into your relationship. You can intend to limit the impact a person has on your relationship, but people can create complicated emotions like jealousy and resentment in others even if they were only intended to be a temporary sexual diversion. And you can't compare the potential complications of the third party in a threesome to the significance of a sex toy.

Maybe you've found something that works well for you, but I think this would be a very tricky path for many couples. In the case of the OP, her marriage is already damaged from the affair. To me, a threesome seems like a really bad idea.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I could be way off here, but judging from what OP has said about her husband and their sex lives together, it certainly sounds like he has some fetishistic preferences, that are sometimes being met, and usually not.

Almost no sex for 6 years. Why? Because it would have been straight sex.

Then an affair by OP, and that coincidentally seems to spike his interest, and all of a sudden there's more sex, sex in public, etc. The affair doesn't appear to hurt him in any way other than he wasn't involved. I can understand that. He has no problem bringing another man into the picture, for sexual purposes. OP wavers on this, and isn't sure. Then she goes out and invites another man into her sex life WITHOUT the husband. Ouch.

Hidden video camera in the bedroom, watching OP masturbate. OP knows there's a camera in there, to boot.

Talk of 3-somes, and voyeurism. Sex clubs.

And OP seems okay with all or most of this (as in: she's not responding the way most of our wives would when presented with these things).

So the solution seems rather simple, imo. He does not appear interested in straight up husband/wife sex, and needs an element of danger, voyeurism, cuckolding, sharing, etc. OP doesn't seem all that opposed to this, so why not go that route?

You know what he's into, you don't seem all that opposed to it, and historically when this type of thing hasn't been part of your marriage, there's been no sex at all. Kind of a no-brainer, if you ask me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

learning to love myself said:


> I have been lurking on this board for a couple of years. I ‘m trying to understand my Husbands thought process.
> 
> We have been together for 23 years and are in our 40’s, a Couple of years ago I cheated on my husband and hurt him deeply, we have been on the road to recovery and are doing well. I need to give a little back ground to ask my question, before I had cheated we were living a sexless marriage, I would ask for sex and for whatever reason it was not something that would happen, I took this as his lack of desire to be with me as his sex drive was still there.
> 
> ...



Your hubby wasn't taking care of your sexual needs, you were weak, sexually starved and had an affair. This was all setup by your hubby. Yes, what you did was wrong, but as your hubby, he should always be taking care of your needs and he wasn't for a long time. His fault.

When you got married, its because you love your hubby and he loves you. That also means you are faithful to each other and not have sex with others.

Any sexual fantasy is on the table and great, but between you two and no one else. Otherwise, why did you guys get married?

If you give in to his three some, in the end, your marriage will lead to divorce. Seen it numerous times on TAM.

If I asked my wifee, want to have a three some with another woman? She would tell me, there's the door!!!!

If my wifee asked me, want to have a three some with another man, I would tell her, there's the door!!!!

Either have on open dating relationship and go crazy and wild, or get married when you are ready and settle down. Being married isn't boring and limiting. The things you guys can do together is practically limitless.....so why another person?


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