# Right to be concerned?



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Oh dear God!!! The red flags are all over the place!!!

Forget about the hugging, focus on his reaction and his ultimatum!!! Is this the type of man she wants to be married to?

She needs to be strong and stand up to the BF!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What would the BF’s reaction be if roles were reversed and she was caught hugging some guy at work that had a crush on her?


This guy is a danger to any future happy marriage he is part of!


My advice is, and I’m sorry to say this, but to have her talk to the boyfriend and tell him that the wedding is postponed until she decides differently 

This just might get him to understand just how serious this issue of boundaries in the workplace and fidelity are

You are obviously a good friend. You need to continue to help her


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

So many red flags. What sealed it was him turning it back on her and the ultimatum. I second her postponing the marriage until he learns that this is not something in his control and how to exercise good boundaries.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It may or may not be something but.....


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So he is willing to just give up on the relationship?

Why hasn’t she sent him packing yet. Because he doesn’t love this girl. Who in the world tells someone this they are in love with.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. *Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage,* should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


this statement here proves he doesn’t really care for her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ABHale said:


> So he is willing to just give up on the relationship?
> 
> Why hasn’t she sent him packing yet. Because he doesn’t love this girl. Who in the world tells someone this they are in love with.


There may - or may _not_ - be an issue. I'd be compassionate towards someone who had an unrequited crush on me, which could be the case with this guy. A hug may mean nothing more than, sorry, I'm not available but appreciate how you feel even if not reciprocated. If his gf doesn't trust him - and _he_ knows he's trustworthy - then she doesn't deserve him. If I am not trusted despite a history of integrity, then a potential partner doesn't deserve me even if I love them. So, it depends on his past behavior and history of honesty or lack thereof. If he has shown past integrity, then to question it is to throw the relationship in doubt, and I'd be willing to let go of such a relationship. The coworker's perceptions could be completely misinterpreting the situation. People often see problems where there are none - of course, sometimes they are right. It come down to your prior experience with an individual as to what you believe.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Who calls someone about a hug?

Surely there is more....

Should he give her an ultimatum? No.

Should she be so quick tell freak out over a call about a hug? Surely there is more than just a hug for a person that call...

If he was texting or seeing the Hugger after hours... yep, that’s bs and he’s cheating.

If he has shown no propensity in the past for other women, and no red flags and says the hugger is history and sticks to that, I think your friend should back off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Demand for immediate trust accompanied by a) accusations of jealousy and insecurity AND b) a semi-weaponized threat to end the relationship?

Yeah, something’s fishy.

Tell her to dump the guy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The initial incident, if revealed in full, is not that concerning. His reaction to addressing it and communicating with his fiance is the deal killer. She should drop him in the disposal like the used douche he is. He has served his purpose.

Time to learn, move on and find a real man.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As presented here this is not the full story. To give an opinion, please read @SteveSteve's GF she's insanely jealous posts.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


WTH?!? 🤔

You know @SteveSteve’s girlfriend?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SteveSteve


Rob_1 said:


> As presented here this is not the full story. To give an opinion, please read @SteveSteve's GF she's insanely jealous posts.


OK the gig is up. I started off this thread with “there is a woman” because I do not actual know the woman I am posting about. I was actually referring to the non-posting partner in another thread. Although I worded thing to make it harder for people to tie the threads together, the relevant facts are the same but from a different point of view. In making this post I wanted to see how people on this board would react to this story as presented from the non-posters point of view, where the OP of the other thread (SteveSteve) set the tone against his partner by titling the thread “Insanely jealous partner”. When SteveSteve ended his first 3 posts talking about how his partner’s concern about this matter may be a deal killer for him, I realized that his partner would feel this, and that the dump her group that posted in the other thread might get him to actually dump her without looking at it fairly from her perspective. This post was to show the OP other points of view before he went down that road. The first 3 posts by Stevesteve ended with the following:

“Do I have to constantly watch every word I say or action I do fearing that she may misread the situation? Is it worth the effort if that’s the case?”

“I guess I am basically trying to decide whether this is something that we can work on together, because I'm not sure I can spend a lifetime getting abused every time I give someone a hug in a completely friendly non-sexual way.”

“I don't want it to be in pursuit of something that is unattainable, that being an elimination of, or at least an easing of her jealousy.”

The link to SteveSteve’s thread “Insanely jealous partner” in another section of this site is listed below.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/423525-insanely-jealous-partner.html


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I'm hopeful that spending enough time at TAM will help SteveSteve see that the problem wasn't actually the hug. The problem was that the GF, who had experienced infidelity in her prior marriage, got a phone call telling her that her BF was hugging up on some woman at work. 

His GF would not have had a horrible reaction to the phone call if he had let her know about the situation right after it happened, something like: "GF, something really awkward happened today. Sarah (made up name) came up to me and told she'd heard that you and I had split up and she asked me out on a date! I had to set her straight that you and I were doing great. Sarah was really embarrassed so I gave her a hug and told her it was all good. But she might be a little weird around us the next time we see her." 

If she had that info, she could have told the caller, "Yeah, I know all about it. Super embarrassing for Sarah, she actually asked him out!" She still probably would have been wary about the OP, because getting any kind of call like that is jarring, but she would have at least known about the situation. It wouldn't have left her feeling like the rug was just pulled out from under her.

Thinking about it now, if she had had that info, she might have started to put together who was screwing around with her relationship. Someone is- someone told Sarah that the OP's relationship was over and someone called to tell the GF about the hug. 

Similarly, she didn't flip out over a line in a movie. She got upset because when she pointed out that, like the guy in the movie, the hug could led to cheating, he said "I *could* have cheated, but I *didn't*." He was defensive, which I think it is a pretty normal reaction, but not a helpful one in this case.

He does not speak Infidelity so he does not know she was trying to tell him why she doesn't want him hugging other women. If he had responded differently, something along the lines of "I am a hugger but not a cheater. I haven't had to consider how a hug could lead to an affair, it's always been harmless in my eyes. I can understand though how this would upset you, seeing it through your eyes. I would never want to hurt you and I can stick with different boundaries moving forward", there probably would not have been an argument. His GF has been through the school of Infidelity twice, so she needs to be with someone who can give her these kinds of assurances.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TRy said:


> SteveSteve
> OK the gig is up. I started off this thread with “there is a woman” because I do not actual know the woman I am posting about. I was actually referring to the non-posting partner in another thread. *Although I worded thing to make it harder for people to tie the threads together*, the relevant facts are the same but from a different point of view. In making this post I wanted to see how people on this board would react to this story as presented from the non-posters point of view, where the OP of the other thread (SteveSteve) set the tone against his partner by titling the thread “Insanely jealous partner”. When SteveSteve ended his first 3 posts talking about how his partner’s concern about this matter may be a deal killer for him, I realized that his partner would feel this, and that the dump her group that posted in the other thread might get him to actually dump her without looking at it fairly from her perspective. This post was to show the OP other points of view before he went down that road. The first 3 posts by Stevesteve ended with the following:
> 
> “Do I have to constantly watch every word I say or action I do fearing that she may misread the situation? Is it worth the effort if that’s the case?”
> ...


You should have TRyed a little harder in your rewording. It was painfully apparent from the get-go.
TRy I usually really like your posts, but this is using a real person's story that he wants help with to make up a fictional/assumed story to interfere with the advice he has been given based on his view. If you actually knew her and her take on this situation it would be a viable post, but you don't so the thread is hyperbole and verging on trolling. You should have just presented your scenario in SteveSteve's thread where it could be evaluated head to head with his view. 
Just my 2 cents that aren't worth the copper they are made of.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


Honestly, I'd say it's none of your business, you are not her counselor and to continue down this path is enmeshment.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You should have TRyed a little harder in your rewording. It was painfully apparent from the get-go.


”It was painfully apparent” that it was SteveSteve’s story because I was constrained by using only facts as given by SteveSteve. I often see on these boards biased thread titles that hinder the OP’s ability to get balanced advice, and I felt that SteveSteve’s thread title “Insanely jealous partner” was one such title. I also saw that SteveSteve was considering possibly ending the relationship over this matter, and thought that it might be helpful to see it from her side before he did. I have never tried anything like this before, and if it offended anyone, that was not my intent.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TRy said:


> ”It was painfully apparent” that it was SteveSteve’s story because I was constrained by using only facts as given by SteveSteve. I often see on these boards biased thread titles that hinder the OP’s ability to get balanced advice, and I felt that SteveSteve’s thread title “Insanely jealous partner” was one such title. I also saw that SteveSteve was considering possibly ending the relationship over this matter, and thought that it might be helpful to see it from her side before he did. I have never tried anything like this before, and if it offended anyone, that was not my intent.


 Fair enough.
I think a more apt title for his thread should be "naively non-transparent husband w/ jealous/territorial wife".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


She should tell her BF, if her feelings about this matter were not important enough for him to stop rug sweeping then there is no room for marriage. Dump him immediately, he is not a keeper.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


Being that the BF jumped straight to the "jealous and insecure" defense is an indication that something's wrong. If it really was just a consoling hug, the BF would've or should've been more understanding of her concern and explain the situation better for her to understand. The caller may very well be just a busybody, but the call was still made and it's up to the BF to talk with her and make her understand the situation if it really was just a harmless hug.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

TRy said:


> There is a woman that would not think to post to a forum, so I am doing it for her to see your response. She has a long term boyfriend (BF) and they are heading in the direction of marriage soon. Recently this woman got an alarming phone call from a coworker of her BF that warned her that another woman at the office was interested in her BF, and that the BF and her were just caught hugging. The caller told her that making this call may cause the caller trouble, but she felt compelled to tell her anyways since the caller thought that she had a right to know. Up until the call, the woman had no indication of the hugging incident from her BF or that there was another woman pursuing him. When she went to the BF about the call, he dismissed the caller as being a busybody, and said that the coworker other woman had felt foolish making a play for him, and the BF gave her an innocent hug to make her feel better. The BF told her that she needed to immediately trust him about this, and turned it around on her to tell her that the real issue was that she was jealous and insecure, and that he did not want to live that way. Her BF also let her know that if she continued to question him on this, that this could be the end of their relationship. In order to allow them to move on toward marriage, should she put this matter to the side and move on with the marriage?


This is the same topic as is already open on this forum "Extremely jealous partner" The guy over there is already proclaiming his innocence and is getting advice. She's advised to chill out on this one but he is also being advised to be more transparent and to not keep things like this from her.


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