# Hurt and Betrayed



## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Hi everyone, this is my first post, so here we go.
I've been with my husband for 32yrs and married for 28ys. I was 17 and he was 20. He was my only boyfriend and I've never dated anyone else. I never had the desire. We have been passionately in love and happy for most of those years. He's and incredible dad and was a very loving and affectionate husband. Oh, and did I mention, we worked together in our business for 25yrs. We truly enjoy each others company and we are best friends. We did everything together. 
3 years ago he brought to my attention that he wasn't happy and that we need to get back on track. I thought it was just another marital issue that can be fixed. Time went on and he approached me again last November that he feels empty and he really needs me to love him more. I've done my share of disrespecting him and I take the blame for my actions. In the meantime he met a woman and they became friends and February 2012 he got romantically involved. He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either. He's moving in with his sister in a couple of weeks. He doesn't believe I could ever forgive him and he doesn't want thing to be the same so he's stuck and confused. I try the 180 and keep failing. Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marriage counselling might help.

You need to speak with his sister. She should NOT encourage his infidelity.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please see the newbie link in my sig.

Have you been tested for STD's?

You cannot force him to stay married to you if he's determined to leave you for the other woman (because that is what he's doing). I highly doubt he isn't in contact with her- how do you know this? Let him go, do a better job of the 180 for yourself, and decide to be happy. Easier said than done I know, but it has to be done.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

His sister is not encouraging his infidelity, in fact his mom and sister love me very much. It's a good place for him to be because they can help him with his thinking. 

I'm not forcing him to stay married to me at all. He says he is confused and is "stuck" whatever that means. My emotions are everywhere and I find myself starting over with the 180 everyday. 
He is a great man and worth fighting for and he says hell always love me but I don't think he's in love with me. I'm a beautiful and sexy 49 year old woman who looks like she's in her mid thirties. I get looks all the time so my self esteem hasn't been crushed. I just love him so much and I'm so confused! He's never been a womanizer.

Let me give you a little more detail on how I found out about the affair. I left for a 30 day vacation with my parents and best friend and while I was away their relationship escalated. I found an email while I was on vacation, that he had sent a picture to this woman. I brought it to his attention and he said it was nothing. I searched and found out what she looked like and where she lives along with a phone number. I had an awful gut feeling that it was more that what he had eluded it to be.

When I got back from vacation, he told me he loves me but was not in love with me like he used to. He said he's been feeling this void for a while now. I was devastated and tried everything to no avail. He said he was going camping one weekend by himself and in the meantime I decided to show up at her home and there he was! That was a month ago, and ever since then it has been chaotic. He wants to try, but he can't let go of her, he loves her but says he loves me more. I'm lost and confused. I just want to be loved again! Please help


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

He's cake eating right in front of you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Have you kids?

It is rather rare for a man who is married for 30 years to be distancing himself from his wife.

I think there are some issues in the relationship.

You both need counseling. Things will be alright soon.

Take care


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either."

I am a firm believer that you cannot love two people at once. He is unwilling to end one relationship, which relationship-I have no idea.
He either has broken it off, or he hasn't. Why do you want three people in your marriage? I wouldn't want a "best friend" that treated me with such disrespect. But that's me. If you want your marriage back, don't let him leave without a game plan for how you both expect to get back to what you had. His leaving home sounds like a way for him to see the OW.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's not confused, he want his cake as long as he's allowed. He manipulates with "confused "words to keep you as a back up plan.
Knock him off the fence. Play hard ball. Detach. Hard 180, go dark on him. File, move on, fake it till you make it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either.
> 
> He's moving in with his sister in a couple of weeks. *He doesn't believe I could ever forgive him and he doesn't want thing to be the same so he's stuck and confused.*
> 
> I try the 180 and keep failing. Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.


The words I put into bold is cheater speak for I want to leave but I want to find a way to blame you. 

Hence he claims he needs to leave 'cause he is psychic and knows that you will never forgive him, even though YOU want to reconcile. 

This guy is a coward. 

File, and don't look back.

Edited to add:

If you file you need not divorce right away. But seeing an attorney can assure that your bank accounts are frozen so your husband can't spend more money on the OW, and that you don't get ripped off in the end. 

Your husband wants cake. He did love you.......until he tasted some cake. 

This guy is not NICE and not trustworthy. Particularly NOT WHILE IN THE AFFAIR.

Protect yourself. See a lawyer like yesterday.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ryry, you're up against a big problem here, he thinks he's in love, it doesn't matter if he is or not, he thinks he is. You essentially have two choices here, just two. 1: You let his infatuation play out, run its course, and eventually return to you, or, 2: You send a shockwave through his world that snaps him out of the fog. That's it, anything else will be a waste of time and prolonged agony. 

*Think of a teenager who thinks he/she's in love, the more you tell them it isn't real, the more real it will become in their mind. That's where his head is now.*

There isn't an easy way out of this. None. Both options suck. This is your new reality, you're at a crossroad right now, at this moment, you have no choice but to pick a path. There is no going back, accept that.
*
Obviously the shockwave is divorce papers. It tells him, in the most definitive way, that his behavior will not be tolerated.*


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Wow... Some hard stuff to swallow! It's so hard to detach and disconnect when you've loved this man for 32 yrs. I have 2 grown kids that are hurt by all this as well. We had the kind of love and marriage that everyone looked up to. He's 52 yrs old, could he be facing midlife crisis? It's been 3yrs that he hasn't felt happy and he met this woman last Oct, which he said started as a friendship and he pursued the intimate relationship end of February.

He has a secret e-mail that he uses in order to contact her. Does anyone know how to break into his e-mail?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as he is in contact with her, you have no marriage.

If he wants out, to go live with his sister and refuses to end contact with his AFFAIR partner, then file for divorce and have him served. 

Do not let him have it both ways. He will walk all over you unless you take a stand.

Get sexy. Go out and buy a new blouse, perfume, get your hair cut, start exercising, get sunlight, call up old friends, go out, try a new hobby, eat somewhere new, plan a day trip to a place you've been meaning to go to but havne't visited yet. Little things.

Oh and buy some new underwear. It will make you feel good.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> Wow... Some hard stuff to swallow! It's so hard to detach and disconnect when you've loved this man for 32 yrs. I have 2 grown kids that are hurt by all this as well. We had the kind of love and marriage that everyone looked up to. He's 52 yrs old, could he be facing midlife crisis? It's been 3yrs that he hasn't felt happy and he met this woman last Oct, which he said started as a friendship and he pursued the intimate relationship end of February.
> 
> He has a secret e-mail that he uses in order to contact her. Does anyone know how to break into his e-mail?


He should be giving you the password. If he won't, kick his ass out NOW, because he is still cheating and isn't the least bit remorseful. Him saying you can never forgive him blah blah blah is just him trying to make you feel like this is your fault.

Have you made an appt to be tested for STD's?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

LOL, fortunately for me cuz I've always taken good care of myself, I'm still pretty sexy! I'm 49 but always mistaken as someone in her mid 30's. I'm very fashionable and beautiful, at least everyone says so. I don't have self esteem issues, I'm just afraid to start over cuz I've never been with anyone else. Im gonna start doing the 180 and this time really stick with it. Wish me luck! So... Anyone out there know how to get into his e-mail?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I think I'm gonna have him tested for STD


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> I think I'm gonna have him tested for STD


and for yourself too?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> LOL, fortunately for me cuz I've always taken good care of myself, I'm still pretty sexy! I'm 49 but always mistaken as someone in her mid 30's. I'm very fashionable and beautiful, at least everyone says so. I don't have self esteem issues, I'm just afraid to start over cuz I've never been with anyone else. Im gonna start doing the 180 and this time really stick with it. Wish me luck! So...* Anyone out there know how to get into his e-mail?*



On the computer? try using a keylogger.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Will that work for an Apple Computer? If so, any way he can detect that?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> Will that work for an Apple Computer? If so, any way he can detect that?


Yes. 

google/search for "keylogger for mac". Then google for the reviews/comments on the specific ones you are interested in. Call their support line to see what their customer support is like.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Ok thanks


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

YOU need to be tested for STD's. You can ask him to be as well, but how do you know he's going to tell you the truth? Unless you go with him to the appts he'll just lie.

Again, he should be giving you his email password, along with access to every single other facet of his life. He can have NO secrets. If you let him keep secrets, he'll just keep doing things secretly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> His sister is not encouraging his infidelity, in fact his mom and sister love me very much. It's a good place for him to be because they can help him with his thinking.
> 
> I'm not forcing him to stay married to me at all. He says he is confused and is "stuck" whatever that means. My emotions are everywhere and I find myself starting over with the 180 everyday.
> He is a great man and worth fighting for and he says hell always love me but I don't think he's in love with me. I'm a beautiful and sexy 49 year old woman who looks like she's in her mid thirties. I get looks all the time so my self esteem hasn't been crushed. I just love him so much and I'm so confused! He's never been a womanizer.
> ...


By allowing him to stay with her it is possible to argue that she is helping him to be unfaithful to you.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

What if I don't know what the email is, will keylogger still work


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

A keylogger captures all keystrokes (typing) done on the computer along with the urls. 

I'm sorry - it's got to be painful right now to be going through this. 

It isn't right of him to string you along and keep the OW on the side too. You deserve a decision one way or the other. Being a backup shouldn't be an option.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

If you play it right you can get his attention back on you, but it will take more work and time than 'the shock-wave'.

The simplest way to put it is like this, he needs to cease to exist in your mind. You become aloof, uninterested in him, more independent in your activities, step up your appearance (just a tad, not too much, you don't want to be obvious), just generally become a little more attractive and mysterious and detached.

No clinging or whining or questions. Make him chase you.

Like I said, that's the long way of doing it and it takes determination and perseverance, but you seem to want to hang in there and make it work... so get to work!

Note: if it starts to work and he starts chasing you... you know the drill, play a little hard to get. ;-)

T


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> Hi everyone, this is my first post, so here we go.
> I've been with my husband for 32yrs and married for 28ys. I was 17 and he was 20. He was my only boyfriend and I've never dated anyone else. I never had the desire. We have been passionately in love and happy for most of those years. He's and incredible dad and was a very loving and affectionate husband. Oh, and did I mention, we worked together in our business for 25yrs. We truly enjoy each others company and we are best friends. We did everything together.
> 3 years ago he brought to my attention that he wasn't happy and that we need to get back on track. I thought it was just another marital issue that can be fixed. Time went on and he approached me again last November that he feels empty and he really needs me to love him more. I've done my share of disrespecting him and I take the blame for my actions. In the meantime he met a woman and they became friends and February 2012 he got romantically involved. He says he loves her and is happy with her but he's confused cuz he loves me too. He's not contacting or seeing her but hasn't completely broken things off with her either. He's moving in with his sister in a couple of weeks. He doesn't believe I could ever forgive him and he doesn't want thing to be the same so he's stuck and confused. I try the 180 and keep failing. Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.


I feel sorry for you. Your H doesn't understand how luck he is - Having the most faithful wife since his young age who hasn't dated anyone else, is partner in his business, maintains herself well and is most sexy and beautiful.

Many posters on this forum are searching for a wife like you.

And, you get a cheater husband like this. I think he will never leave you or let you go, as you say you are still very attractive and sexy. As other posters have said, he is enjoying both - his wife and the OW. 

I think he doesn't love you or her. He is attracted towards physical attributes of you both. 

*Shake his world. *There is no other way.. Make his affair *EXTREMELY STRESSFUL* for him. You can easily do this. He is no younger and needs you for everything in life. Make his life so stressful that he won't get any enjoyment either at home or with her. In addition to that - give him some deadline like "If I don't feel any improvement in XXX days, I am leaving you forever." Let him live under the stress. And file for D - even if you don't intend to.

One doubt: Why... your husband, who is not a womanizer - started doing this? Is there anything that you have not mentioned in this post?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you so much akashNil for your response. He had always been a very faithful and loving husband until his affair about a year ago. He said it started as an honest friendship in Sept and he pursued the intimate affair in February. I didn't find out about it until 5 weeks ago. It hurts soooooo much I can't eat, sleep or concentrate. What he did consumes my mind. I love him so much and I really want things to work out, but I'm still so confused. He said he's not seeing or contacting her but he hasn't fully closed the door on her either.

And yes, at 49yrs old, I turn many heads, both young and old. Sometimes, I think it's not worth the headache to try and other times all I want is him. Is this a normal feeling? Although, I am doing better. I'm not crying all the time anymore. I'm on my 3rd day of the 180. He is a good man with a great heart. I don't want a divorce but I don't know if I want him either? Any advice?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

It's only been 5 weeks since I found out about the affair, but it's been since the beginning of May that he's told me that he loves me but he's not in love with me and he doesn't feel the same way as he used to. I've actually been crying since then. I should've known back then that he was fooling around, but never thought in a million years that he would ever do that!

He says that it wasn't a fling. What was a friendship became a romantic affair and he fell in love with her. Now mind you, she's 48yrs old, divorced twice, not attractive and looks her age. Why do I want this man back, I ask myself. Because for most of the 32yrs we've been together, most were happy times and it's so hard to let go. We've built so much together, a family, a business, a friendship with each other and a meaningful love (at least that's what I thought).

Sooooooooo confused! I want to let go, but I can't. HELP! Does it get better?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Hi everyone, it's me again. Well, I'm going on 7 days of the 180 without having to start over, yay! Thank you everyone for the advice, I can't believe that I am feeling better. I went away for 2 weeks to 
re-group at a 300 acre Ranch that looks like the Garden of Eden, in complete solidarity. It's absolutely beautiful, and the time alone has given me the time to really think. My husband has made the effort to call me and even said that he misses me. I was good, I didn't say I missed him back. I'm keeping conversation to a minimum, which is really hard for me to do. He said that when I get back we need to talk. 

Since I've had some time alone, I'm really conflicted with my emotions. I do Love him, but the thought of him being with this other woman really angers me. I don't know what to do? The only way I would even consider reconciliation is if he completely ended his relationship with her. Other than that, I'm ready to move on. Any advice? Is it too soon to end things now?


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi Ryry224

Its good that you started to take care of yourself,and no its never to soon to end things...You end things when you feel that you are ready to end them...

But one thing I can tell you: Never let someone that views you as na option be your priority...You need to respect yourself and you never ever forgive a cheater so easily...
The only thing that matters to you should be yourself and your children...Sometimes its better to be alone then with someone that only causes you pain and doesnt respect you...

As for your husband I think he doesnt miss you,he just misses that cake eating that you are not allowing anymore since you are using the 180...

And if you decide to reconcile make him work hard for the forgiveness...But honestly I think he will break up with this OW for a couple months to calm you down and then he will start his affair again and try to figure out how to hide it better this time...

Good Luck


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

It's been 6/mos since my husband told me he "loves me" but he isn't "in love with me" like he used to. And, I found out about the affair about 6 weeks ago. I've been on this roller coaster ride for awhile now. I was a total emotional wreck and even worse after Dday. Crying, begging, pleading to give us one more chance to no avail. He's in love with this OW, who is twice divorced. Mind you, we've been together 32yrs and married 28.

Well, I went away for 2 weeks in compete solidarity at a beautiful Ranch so I can think about my future. I started doing the 180 and I'm feeling so much better. I rarely cry, although I'm still really sad and hurt. Not sure if he completely went NC with the OW yet. I'm not really sure what I want anymore.

I'm still a beautiful and sexy woman who just wants to be loved and desired for like my husband had always provided. I do love him but I'm afraid to be rejected and that he'll go with the OW.

Anyway, I logged on to match.com and within days had 100's of inquiries. I saw 2 men that I was particularly interested in and began chatting with them. So...does that make me a cheater now? On my way home from the Ranch tomorrow, I have a lunch date with one of them. What do you think, should I go?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> It's been 6/mos since my husband told me he "loves me" but he isn't "in love with me" like he used to. And, I found out about the affair about 6 weeks ago. I've been on this roller coaster ride for awhile now. I was a total emotional wreck and even worse after Dday. Crying, begging, pleading to give us one more chance to no avail. He's in love with this OW, who is twice divorced. Mind you, we've been together 32yrs and married 28.
> 
> Well, I went away for 2 weeks in compete solidarity at a beautiful Ranch so I can think about my future. I started doing the 180 and I'm feeling so much better. I rarely cry, although I'm still really sad and hurt. Not sure if he completely went NC with the OW yet. I'm not really sure what I want anymore.
> 
> ...


After all the heartache you have been through do you really think this is going to help your situation?? If you're looking for attention then I would suggest you look for it elsewhere, otherwise you are going to end up sorry! Two wrongs dont make a right. I understand the desire to feel accepted, wanted, and attractive...but are you serious? I dont want to sound rude but you need therapy if you think you going to lunch with another man is going to fix your relationship! Be the bigger person and leave your marriage before you stoop to the level of your WH!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Anyway, I logged on to match.com and within days had 100's of inquiries. I saw 2 men that I was particularly interested in and began chatting with them. So...does that make me a cheater now? On my way home from the Ranch tomorrow, I have a lunch date with one of them. What do you think, should I go?


You are not a chater now. For now.
You are self medicating. Only you are using street drugs, rather that being take care by a doctor.
Don't go there. The pain shall pass.
Don't try to stop the pain by shooting your brains out.
Keep yourself grounded.
Make a plan and stick to it.

I'm sorry you are here.


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## himac (Oct 25, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> After all the heartache you have been through do you really think this is going to help your situation?? If you're looking for attention then I would suggest you look for it elsewhere, otherwise you are going to end up sorry! Two wrongs dont make a right. I understand the desire to feel accepted, wanted, and attractive...but are you serious? I dont want to sound rude but you need therapy if you think you going to lunch with another man is going to fix your relationship! Be the bigger person and leave your marriage before you stoop to the level of your WH!!


I agree, if you want to save your marriage stop focusing on getting attention and focus on your husband. If your husband can't decide then make a firm decision to move on with your life but not until you have made it clear to him that if he is undecided you need to move on with your life. 

Hope for the best for you and your husband.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

HELP!!!! I just check our cell phone call logs and she just texted him. Should I confront him with this? And what if he says, so...you're checking up on me, huh? Which he has said before. What do I do?

Can someone give me advice NOW?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I had a girlfriend that started to cheat on me, so I went out dancing and met this girl and we went to her apt, it was right across the way from my girlfriends..........she was very suprised to see my car the next morning........she lit into me the next evening on the phone........I just told her,"You can do it, so can I"! She calmed down real quick and asked for a meeting, I explained to her that what she was doing was a slap in the face to me, how did she like it? Good Luck David


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> HELP!!!! I just check our cell phone call logs and she just texted him. Should I confront him with this? And what if he says, so...you're checking up on me, huh? Which he has said before. What do I do?
> 
> Can someone give me advice NOW?


YES, you checked up on him because he cant be trusted. If he cant handle being transparent then he cant handle being with you or working on your relationship!


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Should I wait til I get home tomorrow night or should I call him now


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Ryry224,

In your original post you said,


Ryry224 said:


> Please help me, I love my husband so much and want to work things out with him badly.


If you still want to save your marriage, you need to have a plan as to how you are going to do it. There are many sources of information on the web that you may find helpful. Some are:

How to Save Your Marriage -- Avoid These Harmful Behaviors

Saving Your Marriage

How Do I Get My Husband Back?

IMO, given your situation, I think the following may be the most helpful place to start:

How I Saved My Marriage

There are many more and they all say pretty much the same thing, namely, that you have to (1) consistently present yourself to your husband as an attractive, self-confident, capable woman, (2) give him enough time to recognize the mistake he has made and want to come back to you, neither fawning over him or making him feel excluded from your life and (3) when he does come back to you, work out a plan for how you are going to rebuild love and trust.

This doesn't mean giving him a free pass but it does mean waiting until he comes back and asks for forgiveness (or at least expresses a strong desire to work things out) before dropping the hammer on him, so to speak.

Understand that this will take a lot of effort on your part and probably a lot of time, with starts and stops, before it is over (one way or another). You should decide if this is what you really want or if you would be better off without him, in which case your next step may be to consult a divorce attorney.

There are also things you must avoid doing if you really want to save your marriage, and getting involved with another person is at the top of the list, not because it will not make your husband want you back (it very likely may) but because it will quench the desire in you to save your marriage and divert your time and energy from the task at hand (saving your marriage).

You will get a lot of advice on this site as to what to do but, in the end, it is up to you to decide what you want and to figure out how to go about it. Be careful about what advice you listen to because many people here are hurting from their own bad experiences which may bear little relationship to yours.

Again, there is ample information on the web to help you and you can also consult professional counselors, spiritual advisors and family members for help.

As to your most recent question, whether to call him out over recent contacts with the OW, I suggest that you not. Appearing desperate will not help you as much as presenting yourself in the best possible light to your husband, namely, as a strong and desirable woman.

I wish you the best.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Wow, great advice, thank you.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Any updates?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

akashNil

Well, you had asked me is there anything on this post that I may not have mentioned.

As I've mentioned, my husband and I have our own business and have worked together for 25yrs. Unfortunately, I have a stronger work ethic and a greater desire to want more in our lives financially. And because of this, I have felt resentful towards him because I felt if anything was going to get done it was going to be because of me. Now granted, he's not a lazy man nor does he sit around and do nothing. In fact, he's helped with everything, from cleaning, cooking, raising our children, and we've done it together. I guess what I'm trying to say is that i felt he's never lived up to his potential and all his promises of financial security. We make a good living 200k, and the selfish part of me have always wanted more. He felt unloved and disrespected. I'm trying to be as honest as possible so you can give me sound advice. 

He said he hasn't contacted her and that if he had to make a choice, it would be a no-brainer because we have history together, love, family, grand-kids, business. And even though he cares for her, it would be an easy decision.

He feels stuck right now. He is remorseful and very sorry for what he has done to me and our family. He is having a hard time forgiving himself and he can't see how I could ever forgive him. He says that he can't live with the fact that I would never be able to trust him again. 

What can I do to prove to him that I can truly let it go and start fresh? I know he loves me and I love him. He is a good man with a good heart and that's why its so hard for me to let him go. We are currently seperated, 2 weeks now, but we maintain a cordial relationship and we talk openly about our feelings all the time. We are communicating better than ever.

So, what's your advice? What can I do better?


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> He feels stuck right now. He is remorseful and very sorry for what he has done to me and our family. He is having a hard time forgiving himself and he can't see how I could ever forgive him. He says that he can't live with the fact that I would never be able to trust him again.
> 
> What can I do to prove to him that I can truly let it go and start fresh?


He cheated on you, and you want to do something to prove something to him ?

Good or bad, but he is a player. he knows how to play with your mind. You are feeling bad! You are feeling guilty! You are trying to convince him something! 

Anyway, I already predict this to be a happy ending. You wont be able to leave him (and I am not suggesting that you should), and he won't allow you to leave.

There are only few things:
1. Even if you decide to forgive him, his OW is still contacting him. She won't do that unless there is some encouragement from his side. How will you handle that? 
2. Healing does take time - mostly YEARS. Don't feel bad about this. This is same for everyone. I am myself just recovering from a latest cheating experience (my WW) for past 10 months. The wounds are still fresh.
3. If you forgive him, give him a stern warning in such a way that he will forget about continuing his affair with the OW. Let him know that you mean business.
4. Golden rule - write this somewhere so that you will remember it every day: *Trust but Verify!!!*

I wish you a very peaceful and happy life ahead.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

It's me again. When I got home from the Ranch last Friday night, I was so crushed to find that my husband had moved out. Even though I knew he was, the reality of it struck me so hard that I couldn't stop crying! Since then, we've continued to talk. We had a little arguement on Tues and on Wed, Holoween morning he called to ask me to go to lunch with, and I did. We had a great time and he told me that he wants me to know that he loves me. I told him that I know he loves me but he's not "in love with me". He then said that yes he is in love with me and that he can't deny that.

Anyway, today is Friday morning, and I told him that we needed to talk. I've had this awful feeling that he has been in contact with the OW. So, i asked him if he's had any contact with her whatsoever. He said he's made contact with her once! So, I asked him to log on to his secret email and show me. He said he cancelled it and there's nothing there. I told him to log on anyway, if you have nothing to hide. He wouldn't! I told him that if he doesn't then its over with us. If he walks out that door, we're done. I got really angry, I know I shouldn't have, and he walked out the door! 

I need to get over him and move on! Please help me! What should I do? I don't want to lose him but I can't live that way either. He also asked me why I was asking him about the email. I told him because I'm your wife and I need to know. He got defensive and said, I knew you were never going to get over this and you'll never trust me again! I told him to give me a reason to trust you, I don't need to prove anything to you, in fact you need to prove tome! Am I right?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> I've had this awful feeling that he has been in contact with the OW. So, i asked him if he's had any contact with her whatsoever. He said he's made contact with her once! So, I asked him to log on to his secret email and show me. He said he cancelled it and there's nothing there. I told him to log on anyway, if you have nothing to hide. He wouldn't! I told him that if he doesn't then its over with us. If he walks out that door, we're done. I got really angry, I know I shouldn't have, and he walked out the door!
> 
> I need to get over him and move on! Please help me! What should I do? I don't want to lose him but I can't live that way either. He also asked me why I was asking him about the email. I told him because I'm your wife and I need to know. He got defensive and said, I knew you were never going to get over this and you'll never trust me again! I told him to give me a reason to trust you, I don't need to prove anything to you, in fact you need to prove tome! Am I right?


He's lying. Period. He got busted again. He counterattacks, turn things on you, gaslights you, deflect the real issue here. He's still in the affiar. And got busted with the whole thing underground. This is DDay2-False R.

Wywards 101

Stop eating crumbs. He didn't end it. Nothing more to talk about. You already layewd therlaw, right? He knows damm well what it takes. He won't do it becuase he doesn't want.

180.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Agree. He shouldn't become defensive at this point if had nothing to hide.

Stand your ground on this. Stay strong.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi, I am a male that is 55 years old so, I can kind of see were he ( your soon to be ex husband ) is think what he can get away with. You will have to divorce him and then tell him, if he want a relationship with you, it will have to start fresh and new.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

It's so hard to believe he would lie again! Everyone says to stay strong, but how? Verizon sent him a replacement phone cuz his phone is not working right. He called, I ignored his call, and then he text me saying that when his phone comes in to let him know. Well it's in, should I call or text him, or should I ignore it altogether?

Before he left the first time, I told him that I would be seeking the advice of an attorney. I also told him that finding out about the A was hard, but being in limbo is even worse. We were never in R, we were just being cordial to each other until he decides what he wants to do. He also told me what keeps him going is knowing that he does love me. should I file, even if I don't want to?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

He just came by to pick up his phone and we got into a verbal altercation. He said that it didn't matter what he says cuz I'm not going to believe him anyway. I told him I would do anything for him but I can't as long as he's lying to me. He won't admit or show me his secret e-mail. He started to say again that the way I am, yelling and screaming, is the reason why things won't work out, and that's what he's afraid of. I told him, don't use me as an excuse, cuz if you really wanted to work things out with us, you would do anything, but your not, because you don't want to. I told him to get out of my house and don't ever call or come over again.

I know I didn't handle things well, but I just can't believe his lies.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ry,

You just need to pull the trigger with the Attorney and move on. Once you do the light at the end of the tunnel is going to become much more clear.

You sound like a terrific person but please take some time before jumping back into the dating scene. You are going to take time to heal from this.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

It's scary, but I know it's what I have to do.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ryry:
Your pain is very intense. You did not deserve this treachery. He is being much less than a man. A man would 1) not have done this cowardly deed in the first place 2) once done a man would own up and either initiated divorce, beg forgiveness and cut ties with the OW. 

His blatant disrespect to you with his cowardly proclamations that YOU are the reason he can't commit to you are pathetic. If One of your friends was telling you this story about HER husband you would see right through the cheater's manipulations. 

You are afraid of losing him. Guess what? He's gone but trying to string you along with pathetic musings and trying to blame you for a) not being able to forgive b) being snoopy in not letting him carry on the affair in private. How inconsiderate of you!

Okay this part of your life has ended. Give it a bit of time, grieve in private. Remember the good days. Put them away. The man you shared 25 years of happiness, with hard work, raising a family and struggling through building a business is no longer alive. In his place is a callous look-alike with no soul. No empathy, no honor, no integrity, and no respect. 

Do not let him use you as a mail-depot. Next time he sends something via UPS, USPS, FedEx etc just refuse acceptance or return to sender. Don't even tell him. You're not his valet or secretary. Let his OW take up that slack. She gets the goodies you get the dregs. Not a good trade-off. Not at all. 

You need to look after your future. Seek solid legal advice. You don't have to be vindictive. You are a good person. Be fair but be decisive. Have him served. Watch the finances first. His dishonesty is so blatant he may clean out the savings account. Don't put it past him. 

He's gone! So be it! You are a catch, successful in business, ethical, trustworthy, loving. Don't waste another minute, not a single minute thinking about him. 

When he calls you for a meetup he just wants to ensure you're still on the hook so he can continue his chicanery. Don't allow it. 

"Love to but I'm busy, check with me in a few weeks if you want to" or just don't respond. The kids are grown so he has nothing to text you about that doesn't concern his wants. So don't even go there. Not at all. 

Do things for yourself. Enroll in a community college course, help out at the food bank, volunteer as a tutor at the local elementary, take a dance class, take up yoga. Exercise. Take care of YOU. He's not gonna. 

1. take time to grieve. 
2. don't respond at all.
3. Initiate divorce proceedings (secure finances first) 
4. Get yourself into IC
5. Take care of YOU

Peace my sister.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you for your support.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you do nothing else tonight do this:

Find the thread: "*RE: wife says she is in love with another man.*..etc"
it is a thread by a poster named "*garrada*" it's in the coping with infidelity thread a few posts near yours. 

go to the second page post #27 a response by a poster named "*Zanna*"

Zanna saved her marriage by enacting the principles I outlined. Read her post and take heart. It worked for her. It MAY for you. But she took no prisoners and refused to bow to his majesty. He straightened out pronto. 

Dwell on her bold and decisive actions. Even if it doesn't lead to reconciliation it will put you in a frame of mind that exudes self-respect. The ball is in your court.

Garrada tried the same tactics but failed (if you want to call it a fail) Now he is at peace, happy and divorcing


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I ended up calling my husband and apologizing for my wild rant. He said that he deserves whatever I do to him for hurting me. He also said to say and do whatever I need to do to get it out of my system if it makes me feel better. He doesn't blame me for anything. In fact he said he realizes that his love for me is deep and he loves me very much. He also said he can't get me out of his mind.

He seems so sincere. He said we need this time apart so we can think clearly and decide on what we want to do so we can eventually work things out. I told him to stay away, dont call or text, unless it's business, until he decides what he wants. I'm going to implement the 180 again so I can try to heal.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ryry
Did you read zanna's post?
Try that. ..please


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'll go back and read it again.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> He said he's made contact with her once!
> .......
> He said he cancelled it and there's nothing there.
> .......
> ...


Please consider reading the post walkonmarshas suggested.

You are doing good so far. The point of conflict is:


In your heart, you know that he is a COMPLETE CHEAT.
He continues to play mind games with you saying that he is in love with you etc
He will never improve. 100%.
Do not even think that he is sincere. He is not. Educated cheaters are worse than illiterate ones.

You take marriage vows seriously, treat him as the only soul mate, and he knows that. He knows that he can treat you like this and still get away easily.

Don't let him torture like this forever. 

On a side note, you are still good looking and attractive. What would happen when you start looking your age? What would he do? It will be easier for him to* "Let You Go!!!"*

I am convinced that he will do that. If not now, after 5 years. You will be more helpless then.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I told him last night to please do not call or text me unless it's business. I am going to do the 180 and have NC. I'll let you know how things are going next week.


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## hrdhtnmn (Nov 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ryry224,

At the beginning of your thread, I understood that he was remorseful, which is a requirement for an R if the couple is willing. BS to do the heavy lifting. 

I am surprised that things did not move in that direction.

In my opinion, the following are missing.

After him being caught, did you both not try counseling?
Did he explain the reasons for his cheating?
You say he is remoresful, and yet in contact with OW. Remoresful person does does not do that.
You went on a trip, to collect yourself. Was he aware of your purpose of your trip?

I think he is long prepared for D. I don't understand how you missed this.
By the way, don't date anyone until things come to a finality.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> I told him last night to please do not call or text me unless it's business. I am going to do the 180 and have NC. I'll let you know how things are going next week.


Do not deviate one bit from this directive. Not one bit. He's going to test you by calling you about some innocuous but legitimate business then he will extend that to asking how you are etc. 

At that point just say. "Excuse me, are we finished with discussing xxx(business). Well, let's finish that first" or just hang up if he says that the business portion of the call is completed. 

Don't slam the phone. Don't scream, plead, ask about his day etc. if you get the urge to do any of these bite your lip, or just say "I'm busy right now, call me back in an hour"

Initiate divorce. Have him served without warning. If that doesn't send him knee-walking to your front door with tears in his eyes he won't come back. 

If he calls and tells you that 'you blew it, he was just about to 'pick-you'. Just say: "Well, I picked for you - bye" 

He's not going to want to give her up just yet. Not until he sees that he won't be able to keep you too. 

Don't waver. Do the things I mentioned in my other post that will help you focus on other things. 

Stay strong sister.


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## ReneNJ (Nov 4, 2012)

This is my very first post...I hope it gives you some counsel. I was also in very long marriage (25 years) with children before I separated from my wife (no infidelity...just financials). So the question that I asked myself (and perhaps you too) is what happen to our love and the years spent together. Where did it all go wrong? Separation/divorce may end it but, based on your postings, I think that you may still save your marriage...only if he is willing to work at it. I just finished reading this great book (I read it all in one day) called "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. The book talks about emotions and love. Love is about emotions and how, as an infant, we look for these good emotional connections (safety, caring nature). Adults are not too far different. When these good emotional connections are weaken or disconnected, your spouse (like an infant) will search for someone to make these connections (after all, we mostly make decisions of the heart). It looks like you have a strong emotional connections with his family which is very good for you. I strongly suggest that you read this book asap and visit the website eft.ca (it does not work with www,eft.ca; just eft.ca). His relationship with this other person is only a sugar high emotional connection. Once it is over, the damages are already done. This book came too late for me but I hope it may work for you.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

So, after my big blowout with him on Friday, we met once again to "talk". This time we met at a Starbucks to keep our conversation from getting out of hand. He started by apologizing for the agony he has caused me, and accepts the blame for everything. He understands the pain he has caused to me, our children, and everyone involved. He said it was the biggest mistake and if he could take it all back, he would, in an instant. He wants to believe there's hope and that there's nothing we can't overcome together. He said his loves me and is deeply in love with me. He knows this because he can't get me out of his mind

He asked for my forgiveness and if I am willing to work things out with him. I asked him if I could trust him. He said this was his first and last A and that he will never hurt me like that again. He realized that the 32 yrs invested in our relationship means everything to him. I'm finding that he is finally coming out of his fog.

Whatever it takes to make our marriage work, he is willing to do. I told him, first of all, you need to completely end things with her. He said he would call her for the last time, with me present, to let her know that he is working things out with his wife and he's happier than ever and that all contact will end. He's cancelled his email and as agreed to MC and IC. Now, mind you, he had never agreed to any counseling before! 

I have my IC tomorrow and I will be scheduling MC together ASAP. He will not be moving back home just yet as we want to go to counseling first. This is the first time he has truly wanted a R and seems sincerely remorseful. I am very hopeful. I love him dearly and were ready for a fresh start. We both agreed that we don't want to start where we left off, we want to start a new beginning.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for all your help and responses.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Happy for you.
Allow him to demonstrate eternal gratitude. As well he should.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you! You don't know how helpful ths site has been for me. I've learned so much.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> So, after my big blowout with him on Friday, we met once again to "talk". This time we met at a Starbucks to keep our conversation from getting out of hand. He started by apologizing for the agony he has caused me, and accepts the blame for everything. He understands the pain he has caused to me, our children, and everyone involved. He said it was the biggest mistake and if he could take it all back, he would, in an instant. He wants to believe there's hope and that there's nothing we can't overcome together. He said his loves me and is deeply in love with me. He knows this because he can't get me out of his mind
> 
> He asked for my forgiveness and if I am willing to work things out with him. I asked him if I could trust him. He said this was his first and last A and that he will never hurt me like that again. He realized that the 32 yrs invested in our relationship means everything to him. I'm finding that he is finally coming out of his fog.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the update.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

It's a darn hard road to travel but it's got to be worth a shot.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'm willing to travel that road because of the love we had and will have. With MC and a lot of open communication, I know we can get past this. Part of the 180 is, don't give up, no matter how dark it seems, it's not over til it's over!


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Ryry,
I also had betrayal from my husband after more than 33 years of marriage. Like your situation, it was the first time. 
I found the following link on TAM and had my husband read it. He has followed it religiously and without it I KNOW that we would not still be together. 
It is almost 18months since DD for me, and I still struggle at times. Lots of times. I've read here that it can take 2 - 5 years to feel 'normal' again so don't despair if you find yourself struggling at times. 
I do know that we will NEVER have our old marriage back - that has gone forever. When others said that I didn't understand but now I know it is true. What we have now is a new relationship, in some ways more difficult as I no longer have blind faith, but in some ways better.
Here is the link and I hope it is of benefit to you both. 
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 10 steps


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you missmolly!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

This seems to be a good start. Take care in future. 

_TRUST BUT VERIFY!_


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'm back with terrible news. The R started off to a great start, with him promising to never hurt me or deceive me or anyone for that matter, ever again. He seemed sincerely remorseful and told me how much he loves me and that he truly is in love with me.

He also told me that he's raising the white flag and is giving up cuz he can't stand to see how badly he's hurt me. He said that the only way I could be happy is if he's with me, and the only way he can ever be happy is to be with me because any other way, I would make sure he is miserable and unhappy. That statement didn't ride well with me, but I dropped it.

So, he takes me to Palm Springs and have a great time together, stayed at a hotel, and in the morning went to breakfast and later to the movies. The next morning we went hiking with our son and his girlfriend. He wasn't making any effort to hold my hand and I got upset. So that evening we got into a fight with the same issues, and I told him I couldn't do it anymore, so he suggested we see a lawyer together. We talked the next day and I told him I didn't want a divorce but asked him to think about it for awhile and make sure that's what he wants.

Back to square one, he's limiting his contact with me being distant again. I found out the OW birthday is today and had a really bad, gut feeling he was going to be with her. So, I drove 1 1/2 hours away at 9:30 in the evening, and saw our car parked at her home. I called her number and confirmed he was with her! He tried turning the tables and called me a liar for getting our adult children involved. I called our daughter because I was so distraught. I told him we are over and he text me back I'M OUT!

Help!!!!!


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I love this man so much but I can never trust him again. He blatantly lied to me again, and for some reason, I thought he was different than any other cheater. I really believed him!

It's so scary to think the life as I know, the man in my life for 32yrs is now over. How could it ever work?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> I love this man so much but I can never trust him again. He blatantly lied to me again, and for some reason, I thought he was different than any other cheater. I really believed him!
> 
> It's so scary to think the life as I know, the man in my life for 32yrs is now over. How could it ever work?


I am so sorry for your pain. Did he ever come clean and give you access to everything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

When I asked him to logon to his secret email, he said he couldn't because he had cancelled it and it no longer existed. I believed him!!!! He has a way of turning the table and focusing the problem on me saying that I would hold this affair over his head forever and he could not live that way, knowing I can't forgive him. And again, because I love him, I find myself convincing him otherwise.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I am sorry. You need to let him go now, no one should accept serial cheating on an ongoing basis.

Work yourself up to be strong, you have a better future than putting up with this.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> I'm back with terrible news. The R started off to a great start, with him promising to never hurt me or deceive me or anyone for that matter, ever again. He seemed sincerely remorseful and told me how much he loves me and that he truly is in love with me.
> 
> He also told me that he's raising the white flag and is giving up cuz he can't stand to see how badly he's hurt me. He said that the only way I could be happy is if he's with me, and the only way he can ever be happy is to be with me because any other way, I would make sure he is miserable and unhappy. That statement didn't ride well with me, but I dropped it.
> 
> ...


Wish I could tell you I am shocked but that is not going to happen. Go back and read my post two pages back and look at your response and follow through this time. Maybe, just maybe the reality of it all will be a shock to his system. If not you have begun to pave the road to your new life.

Presently he has you right where he wants you. You are plan B at best and maybe C.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm really sorry, no one should go through this. Please read through what was shared earlier in the thread - full access and disclosure is CRITICAL to begin to rebuild trust. 

He's clearly not being truthful and not ready to commit to the hard work to WIN YOU BACK. Stop trying to win him back, it is proving to him that you will permit this behavior.

Change the locks on the doors, serve him with divorce papers. Even if he seems repentant, do not allow him back without several months of having him pursue you and showing he means it. He wants the comfort and security of a wife at home as well as being allowed to screw who ever he wants on the side.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

On Tues, our 2 adult children confronted my husband about his lying and deception for the 2nd time, when he promised to have ended things with the OW. It got heated with my kids confirming with their dad that they do not approve of that relationship and if he continues, they will forever love him but will never accept his lifestyle and the OW into their lives. They told him that nothing good will come out of that relationship since it was all deceptive. Needless to say, after hours of talking, it ended with my husband saying that he's 100% sure that I could never forgive him and that it's probably over. He has a woman who loves him for who he is and is happy there, whereas, if he is with me, he would be coming home to a bear trap. An hour after he left, he asked if we could meet on Sunday to talk about how we could handle the divorce proceedings. I told him, if that's what he wants, then sure.

So...I figured everything was over. I called my 2 sisters to come over to my home and I told them of his decision to end our marriage. when they were there, my husband came over because he said he had to pick up a bill, (ya right!). He went upstairs and I followed him. He asked why I was having an intervention and he didn't think that was right of me to include others into our situation. I told him he no longer has a say in my life and I can do whatever I want at this point. I always aked him to not come over anymore without first asking me, and that i will be moving forward on my life. Later that evening he kept calling cuz he wanted to "talk" he called 3 seperated times and we were civil to each other. Then at 5:30 in the morning, he wanted to come over and talk again.

We talked for over 4 hours, discussing honestly about our feelings and he again said how sorry he is about what he has done to hurt me. He also told me that for the first time, he finally has some clarity about the affair. He admitted that there's no way that the relationship could ever continue, inasmuch as he cares for her, because she would be a constant reminder to our children that she is the woman who destroyed our lives and they would never accept her and that his own family would never fully accept her, and that everyone would be hurt by this relationship. We didn't agree on a R, however, he did say that he doesn't want to talk on Sunday afterall cuz he's not ready. Had a great talk and he continued to call the rest of the day wanting to talk some more. I know I'm not ready to fully R as I have a lot of healing to do. Nonetheless, Im hopeful. Not really sure the direction of my life yet, but I do know we care deeply about each other.

So...for those of you following my thread this far, do you think theres a chance for R for us? If so, what can I do to better improve my chances to rebuild our life together?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> On Tues, our 2 adult children confronted my husband about his lying and deception for the 2nd time, when he promised to have ended things with the OW. It got heated with my kids confirming with their dad that they do not approve of that relationship and if he continues, they will forever love him but will never accept his lifestyle and the OW into their lives. They told him that nothing good will come out of that relationship since it was all deceptive. Needless to say, after hours of talking, it ended with my husband saying that he's 100% sure that I could never forgive him and that it's probably over. He has a woman who loves him for who he is and is happy there, whereas, if he is with me, he would be coming home to a bear trap. An hour after he left, he asked if we could meet on Sunday to talk about how we could handle the divorce proceedings. I told him, if that's what he wants, then sure.
> 
> So...I figured everything was over. I called my 2 sisters to come over to my home and I told them of his decision to end our marriage. when they were there, my husband came over because he said he had to pick up a bill, (ya right!). He went upstairs and I followed him. He asked why I was having an intervention and he didn't think that was right of me to include others into our situation. I told him he no longer has a say in my life and I can do whatever I want at this point. I always aked him to not come over anymore without first asking me, and that i will be moving forward on my life. Later that evening he kept calling cuz he wanted to "talk" he called 3 seperated times and we were civil to each other. Then at 5:30 in the morning, he wanted to come over and talk again.
> 
> ...


Of course there is a chance but he needs to be doing the heavy lifting. It is going to take years of healing of him leading the way with humility, understanding and remorse. Do you think he is up to that? Are you up for that? Do you truly believe he has the capacity to be that person? Do you really want him back at this point? What is he bringing back to the table that you cannot live without at this point?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> On Tues, our 2 adult children confronted my husband about his lying and deception for the 2nd time, when he promised to have ended things with the OW. It got heated with my kids confirming with their dad that they do not approve of that relationship and if he continues, they will forever love him but will never accept his lifestyle and the OW into their lives. They told him that nothing good will come out of that relationship since it was all deceptive. Needless to say, after hours of talking, it ended with my husband saying that he's 100% sure that I could never forgive him and that it's probably over. He has a woman who loves him for who he is and is happy there, whereas, if he is with me, he would be coming home to a bear trap. An hour after he left, he asked if we could meet on Sunday to talk about how we could handle the divorce proceedings. I told him, if that's what he wants, then sure.
> 
> So...I figured everything was over. I called my 2 sisters to come over to my home and I told them of his decision to end our marriage. when they were there, my husband came over because he said he had to pick up a bill, (ya right!). He went upstairs and I followed him. He asked why I was having an intervention and he didn't think that was right of me to include others into our situation. I told him he no longer has a say in my life and I can do whatever I want at this point. I always aked him to not come over anymore without first asking me, and that i will be moving forward on my life. Later that evening he kept calling cuz he wanted to "talk" he called 3 seperated times and we were civil to each other. Then at 5:30 in the morning, he wanted to come over and talk again.
> 
> ...


Reread your thread from the beginning - I just did. If your husband cares that deeply about you, why would he treat you and your children this way?

At the moment, I don't think he sounds like marriage material - quite immature in fact. Could it be, that he thinks of your family as a convenient home base, and that he gets excitement and thrills from OW?

My advice for you is to cut off the convenience emediatly, take away the possibility of coming home for comfort. See an atorney and get the papers drawn and file for divorce, no talks, no pleading, no nothing. He has demonstrated nothing but indiffernce to you by his actions. See what he will do once he face the divorce and need to reevaluate his life. Then you will have your answer. But you need to communicate by your actions and judge him on his actions.

Good luck whatever you choose.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

His motivation for coming back is to rehabilitate his image with the children. He would not consider that move if even one of the kids had approved. 

You know him best Ryry, is he above returning only to prove to his children that you bear responsibility for his unhappiness and for a failed marriage? If that were to happen then he could throw up his hands in mock frustration claiming he tried but your vindictivness led to failure.

Do you trust him not to do this?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd refuse tot talk beyond logistics and divorce procedings unless he send NC letter nad the tools top verify.

Ongoing contact is my limit. Otherwise you are not my friend anymore and I won't fake I am. I won't put a smile or pretend nothing is going on while you are twisting the knife in my chest at the same time.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I am so sad to say that I will be serving my stbxh divorce papers. As I was using his cell phone to make a call to my friend, a text from the OW came through saying, "hi babe, im just laying here in bed thinking of you, blah blah blah. We were sitting at the table at a wedding reception when all this happened. I immediately got up and said, lets go. 

I'm actually relieved as he has confirmed my decision to file. I spent the night and my best friend's home and he kept calling. I kept ignoring his calls and when I finally answered, he asked to see me. I refused and said goodbye! I'm proud of myself cuz I would've never done that in the past.

You were ALL right about him! I refused to believe cuz I thought he was different than most cheaters. After 28yrs of marriage, I cant believe its over! I'm okay. I just need to pickup the peices of my life and move on. Thanks for all your advice and ill keep you posted.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You tried...
and tried....and tried

Take a deep breath. Hold your head high. Move on to a better day


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'm so ready to move on to better days! Thankfully, I went to see my doctor a week ago and he prescribed medication that has really helped me with my depresson. Its helping me keep my head on straight.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Really bad day today! Reality of my situation is really hitting me hard. How can he be in love with this OW? I'm really scared to file for divorce because I still love him. It hurts soooo bad, I can barely eat or sleep. I know what my head says to do, but my heart can't let go. Please help with advice.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ry,
Every emotion you are going through is understandable. You have invested so much in this relationship. Unfortunately he has not reciprocated in kind. 

Follow your head. Feelings are fickle. The heartache will dissipate but if you return to him you have to know you will be hurt again. Do not be one of those women.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

He asked me today if we can just put it to rest til after the holidays and just be kind to one another. I told him I would but that he can't have any contact with her either. He said okay. After the first of the year we can discuss the direction of our lives. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. Im hoping that spending time during the holiday as a family will remind him of what he could be missing.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> He asked me today if we can just put it to rest til after the holidays and just be kind to one another. I told him I would but that he can't have any contact with her either. He said okay. After the first of the year we can discuss the direction of our lives. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. Im hoping that spending time during the holiday as a family will remind him of what he could be missing.


I am sure he will have no contact with. After all honesty is his strong suit. Good luck Ry.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> He asked me today if we can just put it to rest til after the holidays and just be kind to one another. I told him I would but that he can't have any contact with her either. He said okay. After the first of the year we can discuss the direction of our lives. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. Im hoping that spending time during the holiday as a family will remind him of what he could be missing.


Please don't let that be the reason, in his head, he wont be missing anything. He gets to have both. Cake eating. Take care of yourself.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just found your thread today. So sorry you are going through this. You sound like a wonderful woman.

Your husband is still very deep in the fog. Everything he's done has been to manipulate you into not divorcing him. He knows this won't work out with her. He wants you around for when he is "done" with her. I would suggest you get back on the 180. Your marriage is over. Your husband killed it. You can't pick up where you left off because it isn't there. There is no marriage. The 180 prepares you for your new life. Trust me, once he sees you happy and starting to show interest in other men, he will suddenly see the err of his ways and want you back. Once other men start to show interest in you, you may not want him back.

You deserve someone who will devote themselves to you. Whether it is your H or someone else is up to you.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

He constantly says how sorry he is for what he has done to hurt me, and he says its all his fault. I've been a wonderful and devoted wife. I was the one that founded our business 25yrs ago and he was able to quit his job. It changed his lifestyle and his way of thinking forever.

I'm a very attractive and fit woman who is constantly mistaken to be in her mid 30's. Mind you, I am 49. I know I won't have a hard time finding someone else, but, I don't want anyone else.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You don't want anyone else - and he knows it. Thats what gives him the brass to continue to enjoy a dual life.

Now you will pretend everything is fine. He will pretend he's not in contact with her. «sigh » 

Ry, love - true love, enduring love - begins with you. Loving yourself means respecting yourself, living with dignity. Are you living that way now?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Wow...walkonmars, you're absolutely right! He knows he can always come back to me! And he is living a dual life. I'm not convinced that he has stopped all contact with her. And no, I havent respected myself enough to live in dignity. I know I deserve better treatment than this. It's so hard to disconnect when I have been with him for 
32yrs!

My grown kids have told me the same thing. Should I hold off talking to him til after the 1st of the year and get through the Holidays like he asked?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You should quit talking to him altogether. Just enjoy your family over the holidays. Start looking for things to do that don't involve him. You need to show him you don't need him. You may just surprise yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Taylor the 180 to your adventage.
There's no need to contact him while he's away.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

We don't talk much, only in general terms. Remember, he's living with his mom and sister and we've been living apart for a month now. He keeps his distance but cordial. We used to be very affectionate to each other and now, he doesn't greet or say goodbye with a hug anymore. I shouldn't expect it, right? When I don't call or see him, it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I really think its over. But, my emotions are doing so much better! I'm almost all cried out!


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## hotsthrnmess (Dec 5, 2012)

Ry, 

I have read your story and I am so sorry that this is happening! All I can say is, stay strong, and put that 180 into effect! Don't let him see how affected you are, no matter how hurt you may be, it shows how much power he has over you. Indifference does wonders, ma'am! You deserve to be treated well, respected and loved! I am glad to read your emotions are doing better! 

Hotsthrnmess


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> Wow...walkonmars, you're absolutely right! He knows he can always come back to me! And he is living a dual life. I'm not convinced that he has stopped all contact with her. And no, I havent respected myself enough to live in dignity. I know I deserve better treatment than this. It's so hard to disconnect when I have been with him for
> 32yrs!
> 
> My grown kids have told me the same thing. Should I hold off talking to him til after the 1st of the year and get through the Holidays like he asked?


You should give him an ultimatum. He has until Jan 1 to figure out what he wants. If he wants to work it out, you sit on a phone call with him telling her its over. You also draw up a post nup stating that if he contacts her again the business is all yours. you have access to all emails phone records etc.This isn't a game where they get time to choose. he is not going to be nc with her..no way. you let him know that you want to be with him but you don't need to be with him. that you are not putting up with this bs for one more second.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> Wow...walkonmars, you're absolutely right! He knows he can always come back to me! And he is living a dual life. I'm not convinced that he has stopped all contact with her. And no, I havent respected myself enough to live in dignity. I know I deserve better treatment than this. It's so hard to disconnect when I have been with him for
> 32yrs!
> 
> My grown kids have told me the same thing. Should I hold off talking to him til after the 1st of the year and get through the Holidays like he asked?


You don't do anything he asks. He doesn't get to...ask for anything. He is the one doing dumb ****..not you.You are in control here. You should give him an ultimatum. He has until Jan 1 to figure out what he wants. If he wants to work it out, you sit on a phone call with him telling her its over. You also draw up a post nup stating that if he contacts her again the business is all yours. you have access to all emails phone records etc.This isn't a game where they get time to choose. he is not going to be nc with her..no way. you let him know that you want to be with him but you don't need to be with him. that you are not putting up with this bs for one more second.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you so much for the support! From here on, 180 hard core! I'm finally coming out of my depression and I can think a lot clearer. I've loved this man and supported him in everything and I can't believe he's treating like this.

I sent the OW a Facebook MSG telling her to quit contacting my husband otherwise I will let her employer know that she is having an affair with my husband. She works from home. Is this something I can do?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ryry224 said:


> Thank you so much for the support! From here on, 180 hard core! I'm finally coming out of my depression and I can think a lot clearer. I've loved this man and supported him in everything and I can't believe he's treating like this.
> 
> I sent the OW a Facebook MSG telling her to quit contacting my husband otherwise I will let her employer know that she is having an affair with my husband. She works from home. Is this something I can do?


Telling the truth is always something you can do!


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

Can she be reprimanded?


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

About a week ago I spoke to my husband over the phone and pretty much told him its over. I told him I'm not going to pretend anymore and he doesn't have to pretend he's not in contact with her either. A lot of things were said cordially, and told him that I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't have anymore fight left. I told him he was free to go and do whatever he wants and consider us divorce.

Because of tax obligations, I have to wait to file. In the meantiMe, I've gone total NC. I told him he is not allowed to come over freely any longer, to stop calling or texting unless it's business or financial matters. He text me saying thank you for helping his mom and I didn't respond. This is so hard cuz I love and miss him so much!

He's no longer calling or texting or coming over anymore. Why does it hurt so much? I'm doing better emotionally, but how do I get over him when I still want him?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You're doing the right thing. Over time, and with the support of your friends and kids, things will look differnt for you. 

There's a whole new world waiting for you.


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## Ryry224 (Oct 16, 2012)

What saddens me the most is after 32yrs he hasn't made much of an effort to pursue me. As a matter of fact, the more I tried, the more he distanced himself. And yet, he says he loves me, that he loves me more than anyone else in the world. Is that normal for him to be that way if he's still in contact with the OW?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

It's almost easier when a spouse dies physically. That way you can mourn them and everyone can mourn with you. But when they die emotionally, die on the inside, it's horrible. You really have to treat it as the death of a loved one. You will go through the stages of grief. Start learning to live with yourself. Because if you can't live with yourself, you can't expect anyone else to do such. 

What is it you've always wanted to do? Do it. Hobby? Travel?

He is lost but you... YOU are FREE.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ry,
It is surprising how some of us respond in these times of personal crisis. I know I am on the sideline cheering you along and telling you to "leave the bum" but I also know I was in a similar circumstance not to long ago where I thought my wife was cheating. When I thought it through the first thing I told myself was "I know we could work through it". Fortunately nothing was happening but I have often reflected back on that time and am surprised by my own reaction.

Stay strong. Most of us here have been through to pretty difficult emotional times and feel for you deeply. You can do this and come out the other side a stronger person.


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## ladylover (Dec 12, 2012)

Have a real heart to heart conversation with him. He may be feeling insecure and have stepped outside the marriage for reassurance.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ladylover said:


> Have a real heart to heart conversation with him. He may be feeling insecure and have stepped outside the marriage for reassurance.


I'm afraid Ry will have more success having a conversation with the walls of her home. At least they won't lie to her face and let her down once again.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

ladylover said:


> Have a real heart to heart conversation with him. He may be feeling insecure and have stepped outside the marriage for reassurance.


Did you actually take any time to read this post?


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Ryry224 said:


> What saddens me the most is after 32yrs he hasn't made much of an effort to pursue me. As a matter of fact, the more I tried, the more he distanced himself. And yet, he says he loves me, that he loves me more than anyone else in the world. Is that normal for him to be that way if he's still in contact with the OW?


Here's my 2 cents... He is having sex with the ow morning noon and night. He feels young and desirable again. He would probably describe it as " an awakening!" there In lies his dilemma. He has a history with you, children, family, a lifestyle on one hand, but on the other hand he is having a wild sexual affair. I don't write this to hurt you, but that is the power the OW has over him right now. Rest assured, he'll come begging for forgiveness when the day comes where he says to himself, OMG what have I done?!!!!(could be a year from now...) The question at that point, is will you take him back.? 
Best wishes to you and I'm sorry for your pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Here's my 2 cents... He is having sex with the ow morning noon and night. He feels young and desirable again. He would probably describe it as " an awakening!" there In lies his dilemma. He has a history with you, children, family, a lifestyle on one hand, but on the other hand he is having a wild sexual affair. I don't write this to hurt you, but that is the power the OW has over him right now. Rest assured, he'll come begging for forgiveness when the day comes where he says to himself, OMG what have I done?!!!!(could be a year from now...) The question at that point, is will you take him back.?
> Best wishes to you and I'm sorry for your pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Very well Spoken


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I do believe in that saying 'Your heart cant help who it falls in love with". I honestly believe that because I think we have all been weak for someone in our lives. That one person that could make us feel like no other. With that said, in my situation, the one I felt this way for just was no good for me. He knew his power over me and he tried to swallow the key to my heart so no one else could ever have it. 

That was 17 years ago and even though PEOPLE love strongly for someone.. it does not mean we should stay and be used and emotionally abused by someone who claims they love us but in the same breath go and sleep with another woman or try to have an entire different relationship with someone. 

When a person can say they love you but all they do is cause you pain and you're the one always hurting or doing all the work to keep the relationship going( even after knowing he cheated) ... you have to be strong enough to let go.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Ryry. A midlife crisis is very possible. My dad had one around that age. Went back to school (MBA), had a relationship with another woman (I don't think my mom knew it went beyond friendship). 

THe A ended and they are happier now more than ever. The thing is, Im sure my dad never had the intention of leaving my mom and if push came to shove would have dropped the OW without hesitation. 

It never came to a confrontation with my mom as the A ended naturally.. violently in fact lol. (with my dad's glasses being broken). haha karma

The problem is, he may ACTUALLY resent you for the disrespect you speak of and will never want to give you back any power. Could he have felt victimized by you and used cheating as a way to 1. get back at you 2. take control back? 

If 2. seems likely then its POSSIBLE he would want to reconcile but would not be willing to reconcile under the terms that you have some new power over him where you are justified in disrespecting him further due to this harm he's inflicted upon you. Is this off base at all or is there any truth to it? What do you think?

Even if the disrespect is not that bad when you think about it objectively, if he believes it is then this is all that matters from his point of view. It doesn't seem like he is playing the victim role simply to justify cheating as he was showing this depression or unhappiness years before the A. (Doesnt make the A right though. Not at all. Just being objective.)

In any case, even if you don't get back together you seem like a confident person and you WILL be happy again. Best of Luck


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

In a nutshell what Im getting at is that if you hurt his pride during the relationship he wont want to come crawling back to you with his tail between his legs so that he loses the rest of it. If so, he might not crack under hardball approach. But .. if you are too soft, like others have said he will cake eat. 

Is it helpful to let him know that you wont hold the A against him and are willing to be kind and loving so long as he ends contact with OW 100%, otherwise you choose to no longer be married? What do others think about putting that out there?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ryry224 said:


> but how do I get over him when I still want him?


You'll find someone better and wonder how you wasted so much effort on him when he didn't deserve it.


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