# Back sliding -- not over him :-(



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi All - 

It is now 9 months into the separation, and I thought I was making some progress there for awhile -- feeling less anxious, depressed and stressed, but lately have sunk back into missing my H terribly, and yearning for him to want to heal and restore our marriage. Getting past the first holiday season apart from him, slogging through and completing the real estate deals that were necessary to sort our finances, please having very little contact with him -- I had finally started feeling a little better. I've been bracing for the final blow of him moving forward with the divorce sometime in early 2013... So he asked me to a hockey game last Friday night, and I was thiking this might be a pretext to initiate the I'm-filing-for-divorce "heads up" conversation. But no, he did not say anything about the divorce, though neither did he give me any indication he still has romantic feelings for me or any sort of change of heart... It was just a friendly night out and fun sporting event, and I thanked him for it, tried to stay light and breezy, and kept my mouth shut.

However, the rest of the weekend and since that night I've struggled with a huge emotional hangover. Seeing him again was maybe a mistake? On the one hand, I don't love the thought of being shifted to "friends" status -- but on the other, I fear that if I refuse the rare social invite I will be cutting off any remote potential for the flame to be re-kindled.

I had not seen him for about 6 weeks, so I also wondered if maybe I would find that I did not feel any bond or connection with him any more. 

Wrong! Seeing him again only brought all the feelings of love, loss and heart ache flooding back. I cannot look at him and not see my husband, the love of my life, my best friend, the man I was suppposed to spend the rest of my life with. Gahh -- so stupid!!!! I should have known that seeing him would re-awaken my attachment to him and rip the band aid off when the wound had just begun to heal...

I know it is PATHETIC, but I honestly feel that I love him as much today as I did the day we got married. I wish I could let go, emotionally,and stop missing him, longing for him, greiving the lost happiness -- but I am right back there since seeing him Friday, and hope I learned a lesson. I cannot afford this kind of emotional back sliding. It sends me into such a depressed state, feeling that my life is over and I will never be happy again. I do not think he knows how much it hurts me to have any contact with him at all, because he is not the one who is still in love and missing our life together. Maybe it will be easier for me if he would go ahead and file for divorce, as it would put closure on this agony and help me accept that the marriage is really finished so I can move on and truly begin to heal properly. 

Sorry to be a downer today -- it's been a rough couple of days and I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. 

Still His Wife Until I'm Not, - A12


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Hi Awakening: 

I'm not as far as you into the separation (it's only been almost 3 months for me) so I don't have wise advise to give but I can totally relate. You are not alone feeling that way. 

Backsliding is definitely not pathetic! Separation from someone you shared a life with is a traumatic event. Be kind to yourself! It will take time and there will be emotional bumps along the way but you will get through it. It seems like you had already made progress in the last 9 months, this is just a little setback. 

ST


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I know exactly what you mean... I know that we go through a grief process when we lose someone in a relationship, especially a marriage, because the relationship itself has a "life" of it's own so to speak.

And even though there are 7 (or 9, or 5, depending on what you read) stages of grief, I don't think that moving from one stage to the next is a permanent thing, I believe we slide around the stages, we can deny, get angry, cry, barter, etc, at any given time in the process. 

You are most certainly NOT pathetic... what you are going through is normal, and it is incredibly difficult. There are those that believe that, outside of extreme hardships (war related, violent crime) that divorce is second only to the death of a child in terms of the emotional upheaval it has on the betrayed spouse, even worse than the death of a spouse. I believe this wholeheartedly after the last two years, and being betrayed not once, but at least twice now, and feeling like I don't have the balls to even end this thing correctly. 

I believe for you and me both, the 180 is the best solution. I SUCK at it though, hopefully you have a better result than I do.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

> even worse than the death of a spouse.


It may sound awful, but I absolutely agree. 

For all intents and purposes, they're the same. The spouse you knew and loved is dead..especially in the case of a betrayal like infidelity. You'll never again have what you once had.

The difference is, if your spouse were to die, there's a finality to it. The grieving is much the same, but when it's over, it's over. In this case, we have to watch them continue to live their lives, and be with other people. And even though on some level we know they're not the person we once loved, we still have love for them, and for a long time most of us carry hope that the person we knew will come back and everything will be okay - which, in most cases, is as absurd as hoping a dead spouse would return from the grave.

I'm at the one month mark. I haven't even had a chance to backslide yet, but I'm slowly getting better (I think). And I know I'll continue to get better. Because what else can we do?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks so much to all of you for the kind responses. rserson, I have thought the same thing about the loss and grief of separation and divorce being worse than the death of a spouse -- because not only is your beloved gone from your life, but that person who once adored you has rejected you. So there is the feeling of abandonment, of being left behind. I only know that any progress I have made, psychologically, has come from working hard to accept the situation, switch off the obsession, get out of my head and put my focus elsewhere. Self pity is the worst, it is a real recipe for misery! I know this, and cannot allow myself to indulge in it. But when these feelings come up, it sure helps to have a place to vent among people who understand what it is to grapple with heart ache. 

I'm going to make it a brighter day today, and wishing you all a great day as well  

Cheers, - A12


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I'm the same way with the backsliding. I think I'm doing okay and and then I see her in person during kid exchange and I am absolutely overwhelmed with love for this crazy, miserable woman and I think, this is insane, we belong together. Everyone tells me, forget her, Let Her Go, blah blah blah. Hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. 

Hang tough, all you can do.


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