# How to relax boundaries?



## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband says that I am too serious and I don't smile enough. He says he loves my "gorgeous smile" and wants to see it more often. In order for this to happen, my husband is very playful. I mentioned the butt slapping in another thread. He also likes to tickle me, kiss my neck and call me silly little names. _While I think he is too playful, I have learned that my husband is simply trying to show his love and I must not discourage this just because I have too many boundaries. *It isn't all about me.* _

I am well aware that my boundaries are too rigid and I need to let my husband in emotionally. It is difficult because I learned to put up walls in order to protect myself from abuse in the past. My boundaries were once very weak and now they are too strong. When someone develops survival skills, it is hard to let them go and relax. I need suggestions on how to do that. I would talk to my therapist but I can't afford to see her just now. 

The other day, my husband and I were cuddling after lovemaking. I was in a great mood, so I was laughing and giggling a lot. We were gazing into each other's eyes and my husband blurted out "Why can't you be like this all the time?" When I asked him what he meant, my husband said that he wishes I would just relax and enjoy closeness and playing. 

All of the emotional intimacy and surprise touching is very intense. I really enjoy hugs and kisses but it is hard for me to get used to the surprise tickles, butt grinding and raspberries blown into my neck and cheeks. 

I realize that some people may accuse me of being cold and sexless. Sex has *never *been an issue with us. We have a very passionate and satisfying sex life. My husband expresses concern about the lack of _emotional _intimacy during sex; namely my unwillingness to look him in the eyes when we are in bed. He is very observant and knows when I am disassociating, so my husband likes to speak softly to me during sex and gaze into my eyes as a way to keep me present. I had to learn to keep my eyes open during sex as I usually keep them closed. Lastly, my husband doesn't like it when I turn my back to him after sex. I only do it to process my intense feelings and all the intimacy. It isn't an attempt to hurt him at all. When I turn my back, my husband will rub my shoulder and ask if I am okay. He will then pull me to his chest for cuddling and kiss my forehead. I have noticed that my husband uses a certain tone of voice which is soothing and comforting in times where I seem scared. 

I am only in my early thirties but I feel like a tired old woman inside. I have survived physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and one of my siblings. I have also been through sexual abuse as a child and rape as an adult. Finally, I have endured the humiliation of being mistreated after having sex in the past. Letting my husband in feels great but very scary. *sigh* What can I say? I admit that I am a a headcase. 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I don't need to be insulted and accused of not appreciating my husband. It is obvious that I want to get better so that I can enjoy life and marriage more. I should say that I always swore that I would never marry in the past. I was afraid that I would end up an embittered betrayed spouse like my mother. I also did not want to be treated like a slave the way she was. Luckily, my husband isn't that kind of man. He is faithful to me as far as I know and he shares household duties.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> UGH This is so us! LOL He's the silly,lighthearted,laughing,joking playful one.I'm the old serious lady.
> 
> *I've been through the major poo in life and I was raised around mostly adults with very few other children.I grew up fast and just a bit too serious.*


:iagree: This is me.

My husband is the fun, playful one. I'm just the grouchy old lady.

It's hard to change your personality. As much as I would like to.
I still haven't figured it out. :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm still a serious old lady but I'm learning to laugh a little easier. It's a lesson in not being inside your own head so much I guess.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> Letting my husband in feels great but very scary. *sigh* What can I say? I admit that I am a a headcase.


You have my sympathy for the abuse that you suffered. But something confuses me here. I understand putting up a "wall" between yourself and other people, particularly those you don't know well. 

But why put up this wall in front of your husband? Or, more specifically, why would you marry a man who you didn't fully trust???

I am genuinely curious. Unless you had an arranged marriage, you chose to marry this guy, and it wouldn't make any sense to marry him until you fully trusted him and was willing to let him in. 

My only advice here would be to ask yourself: who can you let in, if not your own husband? Who else is going to be closer to you than that?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> He will then pull me to his chest for cuddling and kiss my forehead. I have noticed that my husband uses a certain tone of voice which is soothing and comforting in times where I seem scared.


What a beautiful offer of safety and nurturing... that's awesome. I applaud you for intending to relax boundaries... looks like a safe place to do just that and find deeper joy! Good for you!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

To answer the question above from my perspective of an abuse survivor... once you have PTSD it distrusts EVERYONE... no exceptions... He is the furthest in because he is the safest, but NO ONE gets in all the way and if they do it is from significant work on the part of the one who has PTSD, AFTER the one who is let in is deemed "Safe enough for this far."


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My gut says increase the kindness to yourself and it would open up your ability to receive kindness from your husband..  since he has established himself as a safe person.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Breathe. Deeply. When you feel yourself tensing up, take 5 deep breaths. Close your eyes and imagine the most peaceful scene that you can. I conjure up a tropical beach with soft breezes, and no one else there except me and my husband (Waikiki will not do!).

If you have a dog, pet him. That can be very calming. It does take practice, but you can learn to relax and be more playful. It sounds like you chose your husband well! He will be a great help to you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It sounds like you already know what the issues are it's just a matter of doing OP. Identifying/knowing the issue is the FIRST step of resolution. 

So work on it and do it!!!

2nd thing I would recommend to always keep in the back of your mind is: PLEASE do NOT punish your husband for things that has happened to you when you were a child.

I would probably recommend going to a therapist to help you deal with your childhood trauma as well.

Good luck OP.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Can I suggest a book that could help you understand *vulnerability* ...who to let in...how to let them in.. the letting go..embracing who we are ..in this you will allow your boundaries to come down and intimacy will grow...but Only with those who have proven worthy of your trust. 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Brene Brown:

..understanding may be your 1st step to letting go...but also very scary....this is addressed in this book...think baby steps....



> *Originally Posted by CharlotteMcdougall *
> He will then pull me to his chest for cuddling and kiss my forehead. I have noticed that my husband uses a certain tone of voice which is soothing and comforting in times where I seem scared.


..This is beautiful...the way you described your husband... what a priceless gift you have been given in a GOOD man who stands beside you, holds your hand....he never gives up... hopeful for all the playful moments he has with you...He is your example...learn from him... 

He surely understands this is not easy for you , given all you have been through...

Please take a moment & listen to this 20 minute video by the author (in the 1st line of this thread)......she even needed a therapist to come to this place...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html...it's a powerful message...


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> My husband says that I am too serious and I don't smile enough. He says he loves my "gorgeous smile" and wants to see it more often. In order for this to happen, my husband is very playful. I mentioned the butt slapping in another thread. He also likes to tickle me, kiss my neck and call me silly little names. _While I think he is too playful, I have learned that my husband is simply trying to show his love and I must not discourage this just because I have too many boundaries. *It isn't all about me.* _
> With greatest compassion, you were wounded deeply and there may still be more suffering to work through. Your DH has the very best intentions, but he cannot heal the sufferings for you. Your DH needs to start where you are at and support you lovingly.
> 
> I am well aware that my boundaries are too rigid and I need to let my husband in emotionally. It is difficult because I learned to put up walls in order to protect myself from abuse in the past. My boundaries were once very weak and now they are too strong. When someone develops survival skills, it is hard to let them go and relax. I need suggestions on how to do that. I would talk to my therapist but I can't afford to see her just now.
> ...


I apologize in advance if this analogy is crude, but it's what I am coming up with right now. Imagine you have just given birth. Most physical intimacy is off the table until you heal ... giving birth is physically traumatic. No matter how much your DH loves you ... this is going to take some time to heal. You DH wants to help you heal CM, you just need to show him what you need. Kindest Regards-


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jung... you just made me cry... there are so many times I'm tough on myself because I have PTSD, and have to actively remind myself to be kind to myself. The giving birth analogy really hits home for me today since the birth of my actual child almost took my life. .... poignant for me... Thank you for sharing this with her... just touched me too.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Those walls can be hard to demolish. Where do the walls end and your innate personality and preferences begin? It took me years to learn what I enjoyed, what I feared, what made me uncomfortable and why. 

Many people will find it easier to be open and silly with pets and children. My husband told me I was a completely different person around my dogs, and I was. It made me really delve into why I was so guarded. Pets are completely safe, no judgement and unconditional love. Many victims of abuse will have intense relationships with pets. That's why therapy animals are so wonderful.

Just keep taking little steps, take a deep breath when those uncomfortable feelings like panic and annoyance start. You can retrain your responses with a lot of effort and introspection, especially with a wonderful, understanding husband. Try to instigate the actions that annoy you when your husband does them to you. It feels very different when you are the active one and not a passive receptor. 

I'm still annoyed by grinding by H when I'm in the middle of a task, just as I'm annoyed by my dogs when I'm on task. If I'm on task don't interrupt! That's my innate personality. Being uncomfortable with hugging, that was a learned habit from an unhealthy childhood. I've mostly demolished that wall. 

The walls can rebuild if you let your communication slide or stress gets high. Keep an open dialogue.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> To answer the question above from my perspective of an abuse survivor... once you have PTSD it distrusts EVERYONE... no exceptions... He is the furthest in because he is the safest, but NO ONE gets in all the way and if they do it is from significant work on the part of the one who has PTSD, AFTER the one who is let in is deemed "Safe enough for this far."


I think you were answering me? If so, I appreciate the response.

Still, I think that if you still distrusted everyone, with no exceptions, then you simply aren't ready to be married yet. Maybe women should wait until enough time has passed or enough therapy (individual or as a couple) until they are ready to let their partner all the way in. Am I right or wrong on this?

Above, Scarlett said she still flinches sometimes when her husband touches her. As a man, I could never handle that long-term. And frankly it doesn't seem fair for a husband to be punished for the abuse that other people did.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My wife is very similar to you. She closes her eyes during sex. She doesn't enjoy physical contact or intimacy from me.

So I have no idea how to help. I can let you know what your husband is feeling on the inside. He feels a low level sadness at the fact that maybe your past will always prevent you from loving him the same way that he loves you. Not less, just different.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Wow! A number of you describe yourselves to be almost exactly like my wife. 

Wall up, doors closed and commanding total control of every detail whether its required and justified or not at all costs personal or otherwise.  

I'm the bad person because she won't let me in. 
I'm the bad person because she can not have 100% control over me. 
I'm the bad person because I learned to accept who I am and not who I or anyone else thought I should be. 
I'm the bad person because I do not view the world from her eyes. 
I'm the bad person because I have not given up on life yet.
I'm the bad person because I know I will get there when I get there regardless of how long it takes. 

I'm a terrible terrible person you should know.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Sorry you are struggling Marriedtech, many damaged people go on the offensive before they can be hurt again. They in turn damage others and the cycle continues. 

Not all damaged people know they are damaged, so hoping that damaged people won't get in relationships isn't realistic. I thought that I had come out of my childhood unscathed. I wasn't an addict or verbally abusive, I thought I had overcome my childhood.

However I had no idea what intimacy really looked like, I thought I was normal. I never really knew I had a problem until sex became such an issue. It just wasn't logical to me that everyone loved sex and I was "meh". When both my husband and I were fairly unhappy is when I looked in to what could be causing it. 

If your wife can't acknowledge that she is hurt and needs healing I don't know what hope there can be.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Theseus said:


> I think you were answering me? If so, I appreciate the response.
> 
> Still, I think that if you still distrusted everyone, with no exceptions, then you simply aren't ready to be married yet. Maybe women should wait until enough time has passed or enough therapy (individual or as a couple) until they are ready to let their partner all the way in. Am I right or wrong on this?
> 
> Above, Scarlett said she still flinches sometimes when her husband touches her. As a man, I could never handle that long-term. And frankly it doesn't seem fair for a husband to be punished for the abuse that other people did.


I think it is foolish to trust anyone completely. You never know what people are capable of-look at all the posts in the CWI section. I bet none of the BS ever believed that their spouses would be so conniving. 

I agree that spouses should not be punished for what other people did. However, it is important to remember that emotional barriers are rarely an attempt to punish. They are put there to protect the person who has been hurt. In other words, my issues have very little to do with my husband and everything to do with me. I certainly do not punish my husband with my issues. I own them and work on them. I trust my husband 90%. That is the most I have ever trusted anyone. 

Few people are completely emotionally ready for marriage. Even the most well adjusted among us will struggle in some areas. 

I won't comment on whether or not you are right or wrong because there are so many ways to look at this issue. I tend to interact with other TAM members based on any past exchanges with them, as well as what I observe when they interact with others on this forum. I appreciate your insight and intelligent questions...I just don't want our discussion to turn into a pages long flame war.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

sinnister said:


> My wife is very similar to you. She closes her eyes during sex. She doesn't enjoy physical contact or intimacy from me.
> 
> So I have no idea how to help. I can let you know what your husband is feeling on the inside. He feels a low level sadness at the fact that maybe your past will always prevent you from loving him the same way that he loves you. Not less, just different.


When did I say that I didn't enjoy physical contact or intimacy? :scratchhead:

I was talking about _emotional_ intimacy. As I said before, my husband and I have an active sex life. I am a little bit dismayed that you assumed that I don't like to be touched at all because that is obviously not what I said. I am not your wife. 

My husband didn't always this love me this much. There was a period of time when we were dating that my husband was cold and selfish. He did a complete 180 once he realized that I would move on without him. I still believe that my issues came long before I met my husband...he just added to them.

We have switched roles in our relationship. For that period of time that my husband was a selfish prick, I was the one wanting more intimacy and commitment. Now he is the one who wants to be closer. I will admit that I still have some anger and disappointment over some of my husband's actions when we were engaged and on our wedding night; I felt like he ruined important moments that we can never get back. This doesn't stop me from enjoying kisses and lovemaking.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> Sorry you are struggling Marriedtech, many damaged people go on the offensive before they can be hurt again. They in turn damage others and the cycle continues.
> 
> Not all damaged people know they are damaged, so hoping that damaged people won't get in relationships isn't realistic. I thought that I had come out of my childhood unscathed. I wasn't an addict or verbally abusive, I thought I had overcome my childhood.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Can't stay married to someone who doesn't do the emotional work. I don't think my husband would stay with me if I refused to go to therapy or tried to relax my boundaries.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

married tech said:


> Wow! A number of you describe yourselves to be almost exactly like my wife.
> 
> Wall up, doors closed and commanding total control of every detail whether its required and justified or not at all costs personal or otherwise.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry that your wife is controlling and blames you for her pain. That must be terrible. Have you tried approaching her lovingly and gently? That helps me a great deal. I also feel good when my husband praises me for relaxing more. For example, if he is tickling me and I am laughing, my husband will say something like "Baby, your giggle is one of my favorite sounds. I love it." 

My husband doesn't allow me to control him. He has figured out how to nudge my boundaries without pushing too hard. There are some defensive moves that I used to do which hurt my husband's feelings. My husband was calm yet firm when he told me what he will not tolerate. I respect him for this.

For example, ever since we met my husband looks at me more intently than any other man I ever met. I would make eye contact and catch him studying my face. I used to peevishly ask him what he was staring at. He said: "I am staring because you are great to look at and you're my wife. I do not need permission to admire your appearance, so you will have to get used to it." Now I just grin at him or flirt when my husband stares at me.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Jung... you just made me cry... there are so many times I'm tough on myself because I have PTSD, and have to actively remind myself to be kind to myself. The giving birth analogy really hits home for me today since the birth of my actual child almost took my life. .... poignant for me... Thank you for sharing this with her... just touched me too.


My therapist and I are working on my Complex PTSD. The birth analogy hit home for me as well but for a very different reason.

Pregnancy and birth would be far too intense. I hate the idea of a growth inside me that I cannot control. I think that all the exams and being spread open in front of a bunch of people would be too humiliating for me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I think that all the exams and being spread open in front of a bunch of people would be too humiliating for me.


***hugs*** I put off going to the gyn for regular exams bc of this.It sounds so pathetic but as I'm leaving and walking to the elevator I can barely hold it together. I end up sobbing in the elevator on my way down to my car.Thank heavens it's usually empty...if it's not I take the stairs so I can be alone.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> ***hugs*** I put off going to the gyn for regular exams bc of this.It sounds so pathetic but as I'm leaving and walking to the elevator I can barely hold it together. I end up sobbing in the elevator on my way down to my car.Thank heavens it's usually empty...if it's not I take the stairs so I can be alone.


I have had enough humiliation for two lifetimes. I don't need any more.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I am so sorry that your wife is controlling and blames you for her pain. That must be terrible. Have you tried approaching her lovingly and gently?


Yes I do that every day never knowing if I will get a kiss or hug back or have her blow up over whatever she had on her mind that she perceived to have messed up her day or life. 

I touch, I flirt, I hug, I play games, and just be myself. On a good day it all comes back with interest. Most other days I just get blown off or stared down.  

I have being trying to put an active effort into being more like she wants me to be but too often the who/what she wants is totally contradictory to the who/what she wanted X minutes hours or a day ago. :scratchhead: 



> My husband doesn't allow me to control him. He has figured out how to nudge my boundaries without pushing too hard. There are some defensive moves that I used to do which hurt my husband's feelings. My husband was calm yet firm when he told me what he will not tolerate. I respect him for this.


Control is her major issue. I have learned over the years when to step back and let life happen as it's going to and when to step in and take over. She is either at 100% control of everything or at 0% and does not care about anything. 
I have made it very clear that I will not accept her level of control over my life that she wants and that really puts her off. 
Heavy influence yes but not total control. Especially when it's painfully clear she has far more in her life that needs her attention than what I am doing does. 



> Sorry you are struggling Marriedtech, many damaged people go on the offensive before they can be hurt again. They in turn damage others and the cycle continues.
> 
> Not all damaged people know they are damaged, so hoping that damaged people won't get in relationships isn't realistic. I thought that I had come out of my childhood unscathed. I wasn't an addict or verbally abusive, I thought I had overcome my childhood.


That's a huge part of our problems. She has things that she did wrong long before we ever met still holding way too much influence today. I can't say I don't as well being I do openly admit I hated being a kid and how I was raised for way too many reasons to list. That said I do put forth an active effort to not let my past have control over me in any way that I can find to be adversely negative to my overall life I have now.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

married tech said:


> Yes I do that every day never knowing if I will get a kiss or hug back or have her blow up over whatever she had on her mind that she perceived to have messed up her day or life.
> 
> I touch, I flirt, I hug, I play games, and just be myself. On a good day it all comes back with interest. Most other days I just get blown off or stared down.
> 
> ...


I don't reject my husband's flirting and touching because I know it hurts him when I do that. Even when I feel flooded (Great word), I just try to enjoy the sensations and love. It is worth it to see the sparkle in his eyes. I also understand that he is just being a loving husband...it is me who has the issues. 

Have you told your wife that she needs help? It certainly sounds like it. I am not saying that to be rude; I can recognize intimacy issues in other people very quickly. Also, you shouldn't have to change who you are just because she has control issues. 

My control issues pertain to my body. I know that as a married woman, my husband has access to my body the way I have access to his. I remind myself that when my husband is playful, he is not trying to hurt me at all. He is just trying to get me to loosen up and have fun with the woman he loves. 

Got a text from him five minutes ago: "Did you feel me kiss you this morning? You giggled in your sleep-so adorable! I also squeezed your bum". I responded: "Didn't feel the kisses. Did you marry me for my bottom?" Hubby: "Am I in trouble if I say yes?" 

::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about the hurt and pain that you've endured in your family and past relationships. Your husband obviously adores you and loves you very much. Do you trust him wholeheartedly? Because if so, I hope you can get to a place of vulnerability and safety with him. I know you don't want to see a counselor, but that really might be a great option for you to work through some of these things that are holding you back. 

I'll be praying for you. Hang in there.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

CafeRed said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about the hurt and pain that you've endured in your family and past relationships. Your husband obviously adores you and loves you very much. Do you trust him wholeheartedly? Because if so, I hope you can get to a place of vulnerability and safety with him. I know you don't want to see a counselor, but that really might be a great option for you to work through some of these things that are holding you back.
> 
> I'll be praying for you. Hang in there.


I mentioned more than once that I have a therapist. I don't believe in not working on my issues. 

Thanks for the prayers. I really appreciate them. I also pray and ask God to help me learn to accept love. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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