# Separated ... looking at divorce



## burnedoutstep (Apr 27, 2015)

Sorry its long......We've been married for almost 20 years. We met online when he was separated from his last ex wife. I was pregnant from a previous relationship that ended before I found out I was pregnant. He has 6 kids from 2 ex's. I moved in with him and his kids after dating for 7 months. He was active duty at the time. I was always paranoid (I had low self esteem) he was still talking with his last ex. It didn't help with the fact that he was always helping her out, like out helping her find a car when she needed one, just one example. He was always telling me that it was for the kids sake, but she rarely ever got the kids on her weekend visitations. He's is manipulative in getting his way with things and I didn't realize that is what he was doing to me until it was pointed out to me, but before that I quit giving into him and standing up for myself somewhere along the way. I think because of that we started growing apart. Our arguments arise when everything has to be done his way in our marriage. We argue and never come to an agreement not even to agree to disagree. It leads to not talking or I apologize just to keep the peace, which I quit doing quite some time ago. 12 years ago he talked one of his daughters into giving him guardianship of her son (because her living situation was not good and she couldn't provide) and never once asked my opinion or let me know he was doing it. I would have said yes if he had but to find out from his ex infuriated me. There was always a problem with how I would take care of things at home, he would disagree with (and I get that they are step children but I was the main parent taking care of his kids....exs were just summer visitations basically and lived in different states). I dealt with it the best I could and handling issues like he wanted. Then 6 yrs ago I found out he had been sexting with his second ex. When I confronted him he said it was a bad decision (not ****). He said that he had deleted alot that would make it look bad. Well if that was the case then what he deleted was really bad. I admit that today I wish I had left then, but I love the kids, I feel they are my own and treat them as such, and did not want to leave them. I kept telling myself that he only did it to keep her on his good side so things would go smoothly with the kids.....which I know was stupid. Things were rocky for a while and I worked through it but still not over it. To this day he denies that it happened, even to his daughter right before she told us that she already knew about it because she heard us arguing about it. Last year I was visiting family out of state and found out that he had to go pick up three grandkids because their mother was arrested for child neglect (same mother of the grandson we already have). Again, no call to let me even know it happened. I just get to come home and find out I'm going to be raising kids (4 yrs old, 6yrs old with downs and an 11 yr old). Now none of my decision to separate and leave had nothing to do with the kids. He does not let me make any decisions, if I do he disagrees with them and does it his way. I am 55 yrs old. All my kids are grown, two living at home while going to college. The youngest daughter who is 21 is mad, saying I didn't even try. We need to go to counseling and I have to make the appointment. He asked him several years ago to go and he said no because someone's feelings will get hurt. How does going to a counselor work if hes a manipulator? and denies he is ever at fault or wrong? I go from day to day feeling divorce is eminent or should I try to work on things. I know in my heart that things might change for a few months but then they would go right back the way they were. Any support or advice would be helpful.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This guy has 6 kids from 2 exes...clearly he cannot make good decisions. And the sexting and possible cheating? You are definitely doing the right thing by leaving!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The 6 children in 2 previous marriages would have warned me off to be honest. It's so hard not to feel for his children and grandchildren though who have faced a lot of upheaval already. 
However him taking on 4 grandchildren before even mentioning it to you was just wrong.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

burnedoutstep said:


> I know in my heart that things might change for a few months but then they would go right back the way they were.


Unfortunately, that story has been told over and over. "Tried" to change and failed, or in other words, never honestly tried to make real change to begin with.
So if this is true and he is "unfixable", then your way forward is pretty clear (divorce). Why put yourself though the agony any longer? Ignore the voices in your head making you doubt and just do it.

But even if he is fixable on some big issues, can you trust him after cheating (sexting)? How much is there you haven't found out about?
Even if he was a perfect guy begging to fix things, the cheating could be a real deal-breaker. Yea, you should have taken action 6 years ago but that doesn't mean you can't take action now.

This is a terrible situation with the kids & grandkids and it feels like things could get even worse without some changes. I know a couple that was raising their grandson and just when he was old enough to be a young man, here comes 2 more new grandkids for them to raise. ug.

Best of luck burnedoutstep


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