# help



## Fiatbrava (Apr 5, 2010)

feel like i'm falling into a cavern....my husband of 5 months, fiance of 10 years told me i had broken his heart and he felt like dying.....we've two children and ive never been hugely affectionate, or i was mor affectionate when i was younger but it was an effort for me, think its to do with parents,etc. Because of kids and stuff i have brushed any of his affections away saying i was too tired or some chore has to be done, you get the picture. So the other day he snapped, eventually got it outta of him 24 hours later but he wont even look at me now, wont talk to me, when i go to him to try and deal with it he thinks i act like this becuase i dont love him that way but its got nothing to do with that but he wont believe me. Its an issue i have,not a reflection of him. i dont know what to do, haven realy eaten in two days, am crying every 5 mins...cant confide in anybody, i need advice I am really at a loss of what to do.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry to hear this, it is not fun being miserable. I will try to help... and in the process maybe be helped. I have been married for 10 years. Prior to me my wife was plenty sexually active - way more than me. Without going too much into details lets just say during dating she was involved in a positive giving way with me.

Once married it fell off quickly to the point of maybe 3 times a year (unless she wanted a child then I was "on call" for her). She has her celebrity hotties that she of course would love "to do" but not me of course. Back in May of last year we started going to counseling. Not for the lack of sex but rather our relationship as a whole. We really haven't hit the "sex" thing but both know it is there.

She basically says the same thing you do. It isn't me ... it's her. She just has no desire. She also say she really never has had a sex drive. That for a while it was because I wasn't treating her good. It's hard to get the whole story of a complicated and entwined thing into writing but l will put this on the table for you.

To me, the reasons she gives just don't add up. They may be all true, they may not. I guess the point is whether the make sense to here or they are totally real...to me they sound just like excuses that she doesn't want to be with ME. I guess what I'm saying is he may not be able to make sense of it...reality or not, to him it may feel like you. don't like him, are repulsed, are interested in about everybody else BUT him.

We guys are like needy children sometimes . Yes I love sex, but in reality it is a need of being desired and loved that does creates the pain ... masturbation takes care of the blue balls.

Sorry if I' too graphic and forward, it just seems easier than beating around the bush. I am not saying anything here to try to make you feel worse and hope that I am not. Just trying to give what may be a bit of "other side" perspective.

One thing I've learned through counseling so far is that what I think my wife may be thinking is often very different than what she often is thinking, and vice-versa.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

why do people let things get to this point and then try to fix them? you knew you were not being affectionate with him all along, right? you likely deep down knew someday he would become dissatisfied with the situation. if its not something he is doing to contribute to the issue then you should really work on yourself. perhaps there is more to your lack of desire than even you know. have you seen a doctor?


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## Fiatbrava (Apr 5, 2010)

thanks- i never realised how deeply it was affecting him until it blew up the other day - i am willing to try and change, not sure how, i havent asked him about counselling yet, i dont know if hed be willing or not. its funny becuase it seems all the both of us want is affection from the other but neither of us feel like we're getting it. The amount of times I have cried by myself becuase i feel he is not paying attention to me,,,, irony is a ******. hes hardly saying a word to me, i dont think we can mover futher until he is willing to open up to me again but when i ask him he says he hsnt got anything left to give.

its destroying him and destroying me at the moment and if it continues on this way the kids are not going to have a functioning mum...how long do i let this drag me into the hole - do i go down this hole with him if he decides he doesnt want to come out or do i try and preserve a part of me for the sake of my own sanity and the safety of the kids.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Fiat

I think you hit the nail on the head. You BOTH are wanting love and affection from each other and not getting it. This is not all your fault and neither is it his. The two of you are in a spiral. Doesn't matter at this point whether the chicken or the egg came first.( ie did he not provide affection to you or you to him)

If your situation is anything like my own then you (on your worse days) feel like he thinks of you just as a [email protected]@ support system and he (on his worse days) feels like you think of him as some disgusting thing. So what happens is as each of you don't get your needs fulfilled, you feel hurt by the other, and then you either consciously or unconsciously push or pull away from the other a bit. An this puts you a bit further apart, then repeat and repeat and repeat ...you get the idea.

So how to stop? Geez...I don't know everything 
Seriously, my wife and I have made much progress. We communicate much better. Are going on dates , even cheap little outings or sitting and enjoying some time together drinking a bottle of whine and talking. She says she no longer feels like the maid and * support system that she used to feel (which was somewhat befuddling to me, because if I only wanted her for two things why would it be the two things she rarely, rarely ever did? - but I digress) Sex, well its been about 5 months and we haven't been together during that time. Yes it hurts, yes I have to daily focus on the good and remind myself that I want to be a actor not a reactor. ( I want to act the way I want me to be, not dependent on every outside interference) Not an easy task 

Maybe just telling him you love him and you don't want things to be this way and you never wanted them to get this way and you want to work on changing it. That you don't understand everything about why things got where they are but that you certainly don't want them to be that way.

Trying to think - what would I want from my wife? Truth is when she tells me I look handsome or something I tend to snicker because its almost feels like she is mocking me. So there I am hindering the process - it just seems like the ONLY reason she is doing it is because she HAS too to try and make me happy not because it has any real meaning. Rather like tell a child that the mud pie tastes great just to humor them. I guess be prepare for a stubborn child 

It is a bit different for you because he is now pulled away. But I know one thing that I love is when we are out and maybe in line somewhere and she throws her arms around my neck an looks at me and smiles - make me really feel like she does like me. Try to think back to when you were a bit more amorous with him. What did you do then? You may not want to just push that out right now, but maybe when things do get a bit better - have your mind prepared, think of it in a good way - as something you could like again. And then when he does get a bit frisky you mind may be in a place to play. Not just to make things better but maybe even to actually enjoy... or at least a bit closer to it.

He may not be ready to discuss the nitty gritty of things so maybe for now just let him know that didn't really understand how much it was hurting him and that you love him and want the two of you to get closer.

He may want you to outline your "why you don't want sex with him" reasons. Reality is nothing you may be able to say will add up because in my experience a hurt mind can rip most of the excuses, be they good or bad, apart. An "I don't know, but I do love you and find you attractive" may be the best you can do for now (be prepared for this to be met with scorn and disbelief). 

How did you two flirt before? It may be to "unreal" to just start again, but maybe put it in your head, remember it, have fun with it, you married each other...must've liked each other. 

Once you get flirty though, he is probably going to be hungry like a man in the desert for a drink of water. Don't be too shocked if he wants to go from first base to home without running past second and third. Or even that if you looked at him with a smile that you "want" him desperately  

Now I can't help here because as I said. I'm still thirsty in the desert. While we have had our fun and flirty times she has chosen to still turn me away with whatever reason is convenient. Now don't get me wrong, I know headaches, backaches, hard days....happen but if they happen ALWAYS.. well...


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Many, maybe most men equate sex with love in a marriage. Meaning that women show us that you love us by having sex with us. You have to show us that you want us & desire us and that our needs are important to you. 

I feel this way as well and the longer I go without sex with my wife the more distant I feel from her. Then less affectionate, intimate and sexual she is with me the less I feel loved. I see how much emphasis, attention and energy everything else in her life gets. How everything is important to her except my sexual needs. They're dismissed and she makes me feel like my desire for her is unreasonable. It sounds like your husband may be feeling a lot of these types of feelings. It may sound crazy to you but the fact is sex can be so important to us men. I've tried to explain this to my wife as well and she just doesn't get it. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I still get some sort of action a few times a month (although it's been over a month since we've had sex now). 

In any case you say that you rejecting him over the years doesn't have anything to do with you not loving him. Sorry but I have to disagree. It shows exactly where your priorities have been, it shows what is important to you in your life and that you have chosen repeatedly to make him one of the least important priorities to you. At least that's how he's probably seeing it. 

If there are intimacy, affection problems with him then that's one thing but I can tell you this. It can all go very hand in hand with your rejection of him and continued refusal to be sexual. I know I get pissed off & resentful when I don't get any for extended periods. And it makes me not want to do a damn thing for her. Why am I going to make heroic efforts or any efforts for that matter to be intimate, affectionate or nice with her when she can't spend 10-20 minutes to be sexual with me? I'm just saying he might be feeling the same way. And I would guess that he would probably pay a lot more attention to a wife that he thought really loved him and wanted him and desired him, right? So I'm not saying he doesn't have issues, I'm just saying that I bet your actions (or in-actions) have 95% control over some of his behaviors. 

How do you go on from here? I think it's going to be very difficult but I would definitely talk to him and let him know that you understand all of the above. Tell him that you haven't made him a priority and you let life get in the way. Tell him that you love him and you want the chance to not just tell him how you feel but show him. Tell him that you know that it hasn't been fair depriving him of intimacy with you and that he hasn't been a priority like he deserved to be but he will be now. Just tell him you understand now that sex and intimacy is how he feels loved but you didn't see it before. Tell him that you thought telling him you loved him and the other things you were doing were expressing love for him in your own way but you know that wasn't enough. 

And a very important thing will be to not fall into old habits. Make sure you follow through on being intimate with him and not rejecting him unless there is a real reason to, not just because you never feel like it.

I really hope this can help and I hope I don't get to where your husband is (but sometimes I worry that's where I'll be one day).


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I can say Mike1 did a very decent job of explaining things. Of course not all guys will be this way. Pretty much the word ALL and people's actions and thoughts probably don't work. But at least you know of two


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