# Partner has no sex drive but loves a BJ. eh??



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

So how is that? My partner has no sex drive and cannot maintain an erection if we have full blown sex but if I give him oral he has a full erection and even orgasms. 
I have tried straddling him in the middle of giving him a BJ but he immediately goes soft.

I don't understand why this is happening. Can some guys please shed some light to this cause even my partner doesn't understand it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

It's ED sweety get some help


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

sorry but what does ED stand for?

He is seeing a therapist by the way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Erectile dysfunction


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Erectile dysfunction - itvcan be caused by stress, poor diet, phycological, age, and by medications (anti-depressants...blood pressure pills for example)...there are other causes this is just some. I would go to the doctor and talk to him about it. There are meds, aphrodisiacs and techniques to help deal with the issue. I have a thread on this out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

But if he has ED then why can he get one when I give him a BJ.

And it remains hard till he orgasms.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

P.S
He has been to the doctor, is seeing a therapist and taking meds


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> So how is that? My partner has no sex drive and cannot maintain an erection if we have full blown sex but if I give him oral he has a full erection and even orgasms.
> I have tried straddling him in the middle of giving him a BJ but he immediately goes soft.
> 
> I don't understand why this is happening. Can some guys please shed some light to this cause even my partner doesn't understand it.



Three possibilities, and please don't get offended, they are only possibilities:

1. You can't stimulate him enough vaginally. Either you over-lubricate or your muscles are very stretched (have you had children?)

2. Your BJ technique is just a lot better

3. He is a closet homosexual, and so he can't get off from vaginal intercourse, but when you give him a BJ its OK because he's imagining it's a man.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Work your Kagles


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Three possibilities, and please don't get offended, they are only possibilities:
> 
> 1. You can't stimulate him enough vaginally. Either you over-lubricate or your muscles are very stretched (have you had children?)
> 
> ...



This :iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Theseus said:


> 3. He is a closet homosexual, and so he can't get off from vaginal intercourse, but when you give him a BJ its OK because he's imagining it's a man.


:iagree:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I was thinking kagels. There's a lot more stimulation and "pressure" from a bj, especially if you tend to use your hand as well.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

He also doesn't have to do much, except close his eyes and imagine whatever he wants. 

He doesn't have to please you, or anything.
It's been called oral masturbation. In your case, that's all it is.

He doesn't want to or physically cannot have sex. 
A BJ is not sex. It's masturbation done by someone else.

I hope he is able to get some help for this


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does he watch porn? Some men become desensitized to penetrative sex and only have erections with strong stimulation. How is his testosterone level? Has he said anything to you about vaginal tone? 

One thing not mentioned that is important is the size of his penis. Is it thinner or shorter than normal? 

First thing to do is to put a temporary moritorium on bj. This will motivate him to find out what is wrong and to fix it. As long as you are meeting his needs he will appearently do nothing. 

He does not have ED because he gets an erection. Does he give you oral or please you in any way when you have sex? If not why, there are many way that you can be pleased without PIV. 

If you intend to give him a bj have him give you an orgasm first. If he is not interted then don't give him a bj. 

He should know that he stands a good chance of not having sex with you if he does not get help. You are unlikely to continue to giving him bj if you are sexually frustrated. 

If he does not act on the problem then he is too lazy and satisfied with the present situation at your expense. 

You need to decide if you will be able to continue a less than satisfactory sex life or will you cease meeting his needs to motivate him.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Does he watch porn? Some men become desensitized to penetrative sex and only have erections with strong stimulation. How is his testosterone level? Has he said anything to you about vaginal tone?
> 
> One thing not mentioned which is important is the size of his penis. Is it thinner or shorter than normal?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW, a bj gives a feeling of greater pressure and more pleasure than PIV for some men. But these men have PIV sex and give OS if they care about their partner.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

I think this a lot more likely performance anxiety than anything else. He gets stressed out when you have sex because he worries he will lose his erection and then he loses his erection. It's a bad cycle. He's keeping his erection when you give him oral sex because he doesn't feel like he has to perform. We've been dealing with this off and on. It sucks for both parties. But the more pressure he feels the more likely it is to keep happening. Some suggestions...get a prescription for Viagra, cialis etc....this will make it much easier for him to keep an erection which will boost his confidence. A few times might be all it takes. Another thing to try is sensate focus. Stop trying to have sex for a while and just do foreplay, paying attention to how things feel. If your partner knows sex is off the table, he will relax. Gradually ease back in to trying after a week or two. For us, we went away for the weekend and suddenly this seemed to go away. We'd been having issues for about a month or so. But it could come back. It's hard not to feel insecure or like you are doing something wrong, but I'd wager this is anxiety and has absolutely nothing to do with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh, I just saw that you said he's on meds, and by that I'd assume you mean viagra and the like? Guys can still have trouble on ed meds if they are dealing with performance anxiety. Is he getting you off with his hands, tongue, toys, etc? I think it's important that he pleasure you in other ways even if the equipment isn't working. In fact, it might be a good idea for him to get you off and then continue to mess around. That way if do decide to have sex, there's no pressure that it has to "go" anywhere. How long has this been going on?


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

C0ck rings can help him stay harder longer too. Not as much as ED drugs mind you but it doesn't hurt to try


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Three possibilities, and please don't get offended, they are only possibilities:
> 
> 1. You can't stimulate him enough vaginally. Either you over-lubricate or your muscles are very stretched (have you had children?)
> 
> ...


Ok, that is just ridiculous ... why does 'must be ****' come up all the time if there is a problem in the bedroom. Can't get it up ... probably a ****. What is this ... middle school?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, that is just ridiculous ... why does 'must be ****' come up all the time if there is a problem in the bedroom. Can't get it up ... probably a ****. What is this ... middle school?


Did you read the thread? You are being hypersensitive here. The man can't perform during vaginal intercourse but he does fine when receiving oral sex. There has to be a reason why one is much more appealing than the other, and homosexuality is one possibility.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Lol at people saying it's ED.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Lionlady said:


> I think this a lot more likely performance anxiety than anything else. He gets stressed out when you have sex because he worries he will lose his erection and then he loses his erection. It's a bad cycle. He's keeping his erection when you give him oral sex because he doesn't feel like he has to perform. We've been dealing with this off and on. It sucks for both parties. But the more pressure he feels the more likely it is to keep happening. Some suggestions...get a prescription for Viagra, cialis etc....this will make it much easier for him to keep an erection which will boost his confidence. A few times might be all it takes. Another thing to try is sensate focus. Stop trying to have sex for a while and just do foreplay, paying attention to how things feel. If your partner knows sex is off the table, he will relax. Gradually ease back in to trying after a week or two. For us, we went away for the weekend and suddenly this seemed to go away. We'd been having issues for about a month or so. But it could come back. It's hard not to feel insecure or like you are doing something wrong, but I'd wager this is anxiety and has absolutely nothing to do with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP listen to this, because this is the only post on this thread that makes sense.


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## xftcyrpz (Apr 6, 2013)

He also doesn't have to do much, except close his eyes and imagine whatever he wants.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Did you read the thread? You are being hypersensitive here. The man can't perform during vaginal intercourse but he does fine when receiving oral sex. There has to be a reason why one is much more appealing than the other, and homosexuality is one possibility.


Of course I read the thread. I'm not being hypersensitive, my objection is that blaming it on homosexuality is not helpful. Of course that is a possibility but there are a whole number of more likely reasons why this could be that she DOES have some control over. Try those first before planting the seed that he might be gay. How attracted can a woman be if in the back of her mind she thinks he's thinking of doing a guy when he's getting a bj from her? How much effort is she going to put into solving the problem if in the back of her mind she wonders if it even matters since he's probably gay.

I'm 45 and have never had ED related to physical problems but I did have this problem for a little while during some difficult times in my marriage. The stress was enormous. I also masturbated a lot. It got worse the more I worried about it. I could easily stay erect during a bj and yet go soft fairly quickly during intercourse. One, I was probably desensitized from having to take care of myself all the time and secondly, the source of my stress was the person with the vagina. I certainly wasn't thinking of a guy. When the extreme stress went away, so did the problem. My point is that there are plenty of reasons to be explored before taking that theory on.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> I think this a lot more likely performance anxiety than anything else. He gets stressed out when you have sex because he worries he will lose his erection and then he loses his erection. It's a bad cycle. He's keeping his erection when you give him oral sex because he doesn't feel like he has to perform. We've been dealing with this off and on. It sucks for both parties. But the more pressure he feels the more likely it is to keep happening. Some suggestions...get a prescription for Viagra, cialis etc....this will make it much easier for him to keep an erection which will boost his confidence. A few times might be all it takes. Another thing to try is sensate focus. Stop trying to have sex for a while and just do foreplay, paying attention to how things feel. If your partner knows sex is off the table, he will relax. Gradually ease back in to trying after a week or two. For us, we went away for the weekend and suddenly this seemed to go away. We'd been having issues for about a month or so. But it could come back. It's hard not to feel insecure or like you are doing something wrong, but I'd wager this is anxiety and has absolutely nothing to do with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This makes sense to me....
He says that it's mind related and is hopeful that his libido will return. He is currently taking prelox but its only been a week .

Unfortunately my partner was never into foreplay. He is the worst lover I have ever been with. I think he finds it dirty to give oral sex. 

I am going to stop giving BJs that's for sure. If he won't pleasure me otherwise then why should I give him BJs. 

I just need to work on not taking this personally. But five months and no sex! Difficult not to!


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Of course I read the thread. I'm not being hypersensitive, my objection is that blaming it on homosexuality is not helpful. Of course that is a possibility but there are a whole number of more likely reasons why this could be that she DOES have some control over. Try those first before planting the seed that he might be gay. How attracted can a woman be if in the back of her mind she thinks he's thinking of doing a guy when he's getting a bj from her? How much effort is she going to put into solving the problem if in the back of her mind she wonders if it even matters since he's probably gay.
> 
> I'm 45 and have never had ED related to physical problems but I did have this problem for a little while during some difficult times in my marriage. The stress was enormous. I also masturbated a lot. It got worse the more I worried about it. I could easily stay erect during a bj and yet go soft fairly quickly during intercourse. One, I was probably desensitized from having to take care of myself all the time and secondly, the source of my stress was the person with the vagina. I certainly wasn't thinking of a guy. When the extreme stress went away, so did the problem. My point is that there are plenty of reasons to be explored before taking that theory on.


He definitely has a mental block with me. I am certainly the source of his stress. Back in July he had a ONS with an ex. He immediately regretted his actions, and confessed to me the very next day. The next five months were extremely difficult for us because I kicked him out and was very angry. Throughout the entire time he was remorseful and dud everything he could to get me back. Anyway I forgave him in December, we did MC and we are doing fine, except for our non existent sexlife


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Of course I read the thread. I'm not being hypersensitive, my objection is that blaming it on homosexuality is not helpful.


It's very helpful if homosexuality is the cause. 

It's possible that other people have been using "gay" or "****" as pejoratives on these forums, and you are lumping me together with them. I don't appreciate that. Insulting the husband is certainly not helpful, but I didn't insult him. 




> Of course that is a possibility but there are a whole number of more likely reasons why this could be that she DOES have some control over. Try those first before planting the seed that he might be gay.



That's a good idea. *In fact, it's such a good idea that it's also exactly what I did in my comment*. I gave three possible causes, and homosexuality was #3.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> He definitely has a mental block with me. I am certainly the source of his stress. Back in July he had a ONS with an ex. He immediately regretted his actions, and confessed to me the very next day. The next five months were extremely difficult for us because I kicked him out and was very angry. Throughout the entire time he was remorseful and dud everything he could to get me back. Anyway I forgave him in December, we did MC and we are doing fine, except for our non existent sexlife


So, did his non-performance started after the ONS?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just took a quick look at your other threads. Could be deep down he lost interest in you sexually. He's probably has now pigeonholed you into the "friend" category.

You're not married yet, right?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> But if he has ED then why can he get one when I give him a BJ.
> 
> And it remains hard till he orgasms.


Because you are so very, very good at giving them that it temporarily fixes his ED? 

He might not need a therapist. He might need medical treatment.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> So how is that? My partner has no sex drive and cannot maintain an erection if we have full blown sex but if I give him oral he has a full erection and even orgasms.
> I have tried straddling him in the middle of giving him a BJ but he immediately goes soft.
> 
> I don't understand why this is happening. Can some guys please shed some light to this cause even my partner doesn't understand it.


How about "he's a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate p---k"? I don't buy ED for a minute. As a generous giving lover you should be getting more , no you deserve more out of this relationship.......I suggest you let him read the "GAY" posts, it may humiliate him into trying harder.....If not, what do you think he "DESERVES".


good luck
the woodchuck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> How about "he's a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate p---k"? I don't buy ED for a minute. As a generous giving lover you should be getting more , no you deserve more out of this relationship.......I suggest you let him read the "GAY" posts, it may humiliate him into trying harder.....If not, what do you think he "DESERVES".
> 
> 
> good luck
> the woodchuck


If you are an expert on ED, fine. If not? Oh, well!

However, the fact that you think that humiliation has a place in helping to cure ED makes me feel rather uncomfortable. :scratchhead:


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> How about "he's a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate p---k"? I don't buy ED for a minute. As a generous giving lover you should be getting more , no you deserve more out of this relationship.......I suggest you let him read the "GAY" posts, it may humiliate him into trying harder.....If not, what do you think he "DESERVES".
> 
> 
> good luck
> the woodchuck


You can't humiliate a man into performance, it will result in a limp noodle. He probably has performance anxiety already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

aug said:


> So, did his non-performance started after the ONS?


We didn't have sex after his ONS because I ended the relationship. We got back together five month later to reconcile properly and things are much better between us except for his lack of sex drive.

Before his ONS we were ripping each others clothes off when ever we had the opportunity.

Such a stark contrast:scratchhead:


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

aug said:


> Just took a quick look at your other threads. Could be deep down he lost interest in you sexually. He's probably has now pigeonholed you into the "friend" category.
> 
> You're not married yet, right?


We were engaged but I called it off. No I don't think he has lost in me sexually. As I said before, we were only together for a year and in the honeymoon stage. Our sexlife was great.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

He tells me that he still wants us to keep trying


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> If you are an expert on ED, fine. If not? Oh, well!
> 
> However, the fact that you think that humiliation has a place in helping to cure ED makes me feel rather uncomfortable. :scratchhead:


How can he have ED if he gets an erection every time she gives him a bj? I thought ED was failure to get an erection consistently in any circumstances.

OP, this is a lot more complicated than bj or sex. 

You have to consider the possibility that he may no longer be attracted to you and is not being honest in telling you. 

That is all the more reason to stop the one sided sex. Either he is all in or he is out. Don't accept less. If he is not attracted to you anymore, bj will not stop him from leaving when he finds someone that he is attracted to. 

Your self exteam and repect will be better preserved if you decide where the relationship should go. He is a cheater already. Now he is sexually selfish. Why do you want to stay with this person? 

Save yourself the heartache of a bad ending. Stop what you are doing and see his reaction. Actions speak louder than words. 

If he loves you and is still attracted he will work hard to get back to normal and to atone. If he does not act then let him go. Your loving him will not enough to hold him if he does not love you.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

I just googled "best bj ever," and I was directed to this thread. I'm confused.




JK, seriously, the BJ's need to stop immediately... Very one-sided love-making here, and everything medical needs to be ruled out immediately too.

Maybe even psychological... This is bizarre.

If it comes down to laziness, then, wow, absolutely horrible husband.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Sorry, but most of these posts are totally nutso.
First of all, I had to Google Prelox to find out what it was. It's not a "medicine." It's some kind of herbal supplement which could possibly have some effect, but certainly not the guaranteed effect Viagra would. If he is really concerned about this, he should totally go to a doctor, explain what's going on and ask for some samples. This will give him a major confidence boost and could get him out of whatever's going on in his brain.

Second, the idea that he's gay or is no longer attracted to you? What? People are very weird. I suppose it's possible he's gay. Many things are possible, but in this day and age why would he hide it? I suppose it's also possible he's not attracted to you, but then why is he still with you? It sounds like the ONS really messed up your relationship (as I would imagine it would), and maybe that's coming out in the bedroom. 

Last, it is totally possible to maintain an erection from oral sex or a hand job and not sex. I've been in almost 20 year happy relationship with a great man and we JUST had this problem for pretty much the first time in our relationship. In our case I think it was because I have become much more HD recently and I think he felt a lot of pressure to perform and it freaked him out and led to a nasty cycle.

I can't say that's what's going on, but I think it's A LOT more likely than your husband? boyfriend? turned out to be secretly gay. 

---BTW, I don't think you should stop giving BJS as though this is an ultimatum. That's just going to create more pressure. BUT he should totally be pleasuring you in other ways. He has hands, a tongue, etc...


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

5 months is a long time. Have you considered a sex counselor? You could start here.

AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lionlady. I'm not understanding how and why your partner had ED under certain circumstances. Is it better now and how did you solve the problem?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> How can he have ED if he gets an erection every time she gives him a bj? I thought ED was failure to get an erection consistently in any circumstances.
> 
> OP, this is a lot more complicated than bj or sex.
> 
> ...


There can be many causes for ED. Here are three of them:-

Wife's affair. "Was her lover better than me in bed? Oh, s**t! I can't maintain my erection!"

Husband's Affair: " Oh, God! I cheated on her. Now every time I look at her, I feel so guilty I lose my erection."

Health issues, too, can cause ED.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Lionlady. I'm not understanding how and why your partner had ED under certain circumstances. Is it better now and how did you solve the problem?


If ED is strictly health related then it is more likely to happen in all/most circumstances. If it is psychological or partially health related and partially psychological then when it happens can be situational. Just like female orgasm, it isn't always just a switch you can turn off and on when you want. Drugs can remedy the health reasons for it but it doesn't do anything for the mental aspect of it.

MattMatt's comments illustrate that. Performance anxiety, stress, lack of attraction ... all sort of mental blockers that have nothing to do with physical capabilities.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If you are an expert on ED, fine. If not? Oh, well!
> 
> However, the fact that you think that humiliation has a place in helping to cure ED makes me feel rather uncomfortable. :scratchhead:


No, so far at age 66 I have never had any hint of ED, I just find situational ED highly suspect....

So how do you rule out lazy inconsiderate, selfish p---k?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> No, so far at age 66 I have never had any hint of ED, I just find situational ED highly suspect....
> 
> So how do you rule out lazy inconsiderate, selfish p---k?


Really? So you think going soft during intercourse is being "inconsiderate" and "selfish"? Maybe you've never had a partner you were not attracted to or who had cheated on you; maybe you've never had internal conflict (he cheated on her) ... or maybe you are really good at compartmentalizing. If there is a psychological reason then it very well could be situational. It's not like we're making this up; it takes two seconds on google to discover it's real. There are healthy men in their early 20s who have this problem looking for answers. I had this problem over a short time period ... I could masturbate with a full blazing erection several times a day, wake up with a raging woody, and go soft during intercourse ... primarily because I wasn't particularly attracted to my 330lb wife and I didn't exactly like her personally at the time either. It was absolutely a mental block. If I was banging her without all the other baggage, it probably wouldn't have been a problem but I don't compartmentalize that well.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> No, so far at age 66 I have never had any hint of ED


You should be in porn!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It's after his ONS. He's not really into OP and could be he's forcing himself to stay in the relationship for whatever reason.

Bet he can perform with another woman.


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## superstition (Apr 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, that is just ridiculous ... why does 'must be ****' come up all the time if there is a problem in the bedroom. Can't get it up ... probably a ****. What is this ... middle school?


:iagree:

I do think people are too quick to resort to this explanation.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> I think this a lot more likely performance anxiety than anything else. He gets stressed out when you have sex because he worries he will lose his erection and then he loses his erection. It's a bad cycle. He's keeping his erection when you give him oral sex because he doesn't feel like he has to perform. We've been dealing with this off and on. It sucks for both parties. But the more pressure he feels the more likely it is to keep happening. Some suggestions...get a prescription for Viagra, cialis etc....this will make it much easier for him to keep an erection which will boost his confidence. A few times might be all it takes. Another thing to try is sensate focus. Stop trying to have sex for a while and just do foreplay, paying attention to how things feel. If your partner knows sex is off the table, he will relax. Gradually ease back in to trying after a week or two. For us, we went away for the weekend and suddenly this seemed to go away. We'd been having issues for about a month or so. But it could come back. It's hard not to feel insecure or like you are doing something wrong, but I'd wager this is anxiety and has absolutely nothing to do with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A very real possibility. As someone who still suffers from ED, and used to suffer from performance anxiety brought on by the ED, I can tell you I could be pretty hard all throughout a bj or hj, but, even on the meds, I would lose it nearly the moment I would go for PIV, no matter how much I wanted that.

To put it very simply, when you are receiving a bj, you are really under no "pressure to perform". You can sit back, relax, and enjoy it. But the "pressure" of performing and satisfying a woman, once you've encountered an experience with ED, can make it a very worriesome experience. Introduce worry, stress, outside thoughts to a man's head when he's trying to have sex, and the results, even in men with no ED problems, can result in loss of erection.

If he is losing it just prior to, or in the few short moments he's trying to enter you, I'd say maybe he's had an episode of losing an erection in the past, and now it is weighing on him mentally.

If he is able to enter you, and go for a period of time before he loses it, I'd consider the following possibilities:

1. He's not getting enough stimulation. Possibly too much lubrication (you are very wet), or (sorry) you may be not tight. Again, sorry, but if this is the case, you need to hear it and face it. If you know you're tight, disregard. If you're not sure, ask him. It will be hard for you to hear it, and hard for him to be truthful and tell you if that's the case, but there ARE exercises you can do to "fix" that if that is in fact an issue.

2. Too much masturbation by him. A vagina cannot match what his hand can do. A skilled blowjob can be pretty amazing, however. But, if he is masturbating too much, it can desensitize things quite a bit (much like a woman using a vibrator too much).

3. A possible porn issue? 

4. Is he bored maybe? If your sex is the "same ol', same ol", try some variety to excite him.

In order to get and maintain an erection, most men need desire, stimulation, physical ability, and lack of stress. Not much else to it, but putting the puzzle together and figuring it out can sometimes be a daunting task.

Just realize that men, especially as we get older (40's plus) are NOT the teenage boys women sometimes think we are. Women seemed to be programmed to believe (I guess from dating horny young dudes when they were younger women) that a guy should be able to "get it up" at the mere mention of the possibility of sex. And if a guy can't meet that standard, women often fear it is something with them and take personal offense to it. Not the case a majority of the time.

As for the "lazy, inconsiderate" stuff...if you want to ensure he never gets a hardon again for PIV, make it about you, and not him, by adding pressure to him, and letting him think you think he's an azz for having this issue. You cannot pressure a man to perform. Period. It will have the exact opposite effect.

If it is an ED / performance anxiety issue, he should be doing his best to satisfy you outside of PIV sex. If he's not, a little reassurance that when he does these things it satisfies you goes a long damn way. If it is this, he needs to face it, understand you have needs as well, and take steps to satisfy them. 

He is losing his erection. He's not being an azz. If you start taking away things like bj's, etc, it WILL be counter productive. This is NOT an ultimatum type situation. Now, if you tell him you understand he's having issues, and will work on those with him, but would like for him to please you in other ways and he does not do that, then you can start looking at solutions for that.

And ED and / or performance anxiety ain't got a phuckin' thing to do with being gay. ROFLMAO at that one. Crap like THAT is what can make a guy develop full blown performance anxiety from just one instance of failure to get / maintain an erection. Fear of being labled "less than a man" (or gay for christ's sake) or fear of losing a woman because he can't "perform" and "please her". BTDT. Once I got it "figured out" and worked through it, I can say that I've got zero issues, first, with being open about it, and second, with phucking the hell out of my W or any other woman like they've likely not had before. But it took a while to get there. Performance anxiety is a serious b!tch!

Find out WHAT is going on. That requires trust and open communication, from both sides. Be understanding. Be ready to deal with whatever it is. And then go from there.

Long winded on this subject, but it hits close to home. Search out some of my posts on it if you wish. It's complicated, and not a lot of guys are willing to talk about it. I am, because if my experiences with this can help just a few guys or a few women from having to deal with this and helping them to overcome it, I'm an open book.

Good luck.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

donny64 said:


> A very real possibility. As someone who still suffers from ED, and used to suffer from performance anxiety brought on by the ED, I can tell you I could be pretty hard all throughout a bj or hj, but, even on the meds, I would lose it nearly the moment I would go for PIV, no matter how much I wanted that.
> 
> To put it very simply, when you are receiving a bj, you are really under no "pressure to perform". You can sit back, relax, and enjoy it. But the "pressure" of performing and satisfying a woman, once you've encountered an experience with ED, can make it a very worriesome experience. Introduce worry, stress, outside thoughts to a man's head when he's trying to have sex, and the results, even in men with no ED problems, can result in loss of erection.
> 
> ...


Donny64: As someone who has suffered from ED, what do you think I should do? We have talked about our sexlife numerous times and I see that he feels very helpless. The open communication is not really helping because its not like a switch. He has been to the doctors and was told it was stressed related as he is very fit and healthy ( he is 40 yrs old).
He is currently taking prelox because there is less side effects. He is also seeing a sex therapist. I can see that this is really upsetting him. Scaring him even. 

He tells me to still keep trying despite our unsuccessful attempts. So maybe I should give him a slow BJ but stop before he is about to orgasm and keep trying to get it to the next stage.
Or should I just not bother and leave it up to him to want sex?? No matter how long it takes? Bloody nightmare.

And folks he is NOT gay! And yes! he is attracted to me. He always tells me how sexy I am.

Like I mentioned, we had a passionate sexlife before his ONS. NOt the one to blow my own trumpet but I am an attractive oriental and I have a good figure. I go to the gym three times a week to maintain my bikini figure. I am also sexually open minded so our sexlife was never boring. He was always ready to go!

Things just turned 360 after his ONS. He went into a deep depression because he hurt me so much. He was shocked how he lost control. The next five months after he confessed was HORRIBLE! It was a mental roller coaster. I started taking anti depressants, I was very angry and said some nasty things to him ( which he deserved then). We have gone through hell and back to get to the stage of R.

I guess we are still suffering from the after effects of his cheating.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

He is definitely suffering from performance anxiety.

I wish I knew how to deal with this


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> Sorry, but most of these posts are totally nutso.
> First of all, I had to Google Prelox to find out what it was. It's not a "medicine." It's some kind of herbal supplement which could possibly have some effect, but certainly not the guaranteed effect Viagra would. If he is really concerned about this, he should totally go to a doctor, explain what's going on and ask for some samples. This will give him a major confidence boost and could get him out of whatever's going on in his brain.
> 
> Second, the idea that he's gay or is no longer attracted to you? What? People are very weird. I suppose it's possible he's gay. Many things are possible, but in this day and age why would he hide it? I suppose it's also possible he's not attracted to you, but then why is he still with you? It sounds like the ONS really messed up your relationship (as I would imagine it would), and maybe that's coming out in the bedroom.
> ...


Lionlady:
My partner went to the doctors six weeks ago and they wouldn't give him any Viagra because he was told that its stress related. It was suggested that he went to the gym (which he does already) and to see a therapist ( which he is also doing). So I don't know what to think.
He found Prelox while researching the web. Apparently it takes 2 -4 weeks for any effect to take place and He has only been taking them for three days.
But does Viagra/Cialis still work if you have performance anziety? I know I havnt helped him relax by talking about our sexlife. but it couldn't be helped. Five months is a long time for a couple who have only been together 18 months.

And no he is not gay. I cannot stress that enough.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,
Donny64, finally another post that made sense!  There was some major craziness on this thread.

Hibiscus, I am really shocked that the doc would not give some samples for Viagra when your BF is 40. He either needs to go back and explain that this has NOT gone away and he needs a little help or find a new doctor. BUT...to be honest...even Viagra might not help if he is totally freaking out. It will make him more confident that he can get and keep an erection, but if he panics, he can still lose it. I'd still say that after 5 months it is MORE than worth a try. He needs to go back to the doc or find a new doctor who is more sensitive to these issues. I'm assuming you are in the US? But maybe not. 

I was Googling the heck out of this a few weeks ago and there was not much good information. The best suggestions I got seemed to be the sensate focus and taking all sex off the table. I think your boyfriend REALLY needs to be pleasuring you in other ways. It's not inconsiderate of him to have erection issues. That's not his fault. But it's really inconsiderate of him to just leave you hanging. My suggestions would be as follows.

1. Go back to the doctor or find another doctor and get some ED meds to see if they can help at all.
2. Redefine the idea of sex right now. Explain that he has to pleasure you in other ways and if/when he does---show appreciation, which will help build confidence. Do lots of foreplay, oral, using hands, toys, etc....
3. Stop attempting PIV sex. I'd suggest making an agreement that you will not have PIV sex at all for a sex amount of time--1 week, 2? 3? Make sure during this time you are BOTH having orgasms from other things...basically have good sex without PIV. This will help you feel closer and take the pressure off. If one or both of you are not having fun, this isn't going to help. 
4. When you do attempt sex again, do so without expectation. Make sure you both are okay with this beforehand. 

What does the sex therapist say?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> Hi,
> Donny64, finally another post that made sense!  There was some major craziness on this thread.
> 
> Hibiscus, I am really shocked that the doc would not give some samples for Viagra when your BF is 40. He either needs to go back and explain that this has NOT gone away and he needs a little help or find a new doctor. BUT...to be honest...even Viagra might not help if he is totally freaking out. It will make him more confident that he can get and keep an erection, but if he panics, he can still lose it. I'd still say that after 5 months it is MORE than worth a try. He needs to go back to the doc or find a new doctor who is more sensitive to these issues. I'm assuming you are in the US? But maybe not.
> ...


The therapist isn't giving any answers. He is just letting my partner talk about his insecurities...which is making me think that this only magnifies that he has a "problem"

I have just discussed Viagra with my partner and he is open for it but we are going to let this Prelox take effect first before taking any hard medicine. Give it another few weeks I think. 

As for foreplay, my partner is just hopeless. He is one of those guys that doesnt do foreplay...oral is dirty, using fingers and tongues is dirty...doesn't like discussing or watching porn.He is not a tactile lover. He withdraws when I talk about this. Clams up, gets embarrassed. Like a little child. Jeez. 

I didn't mind because the PIV sex was pleasurable enough for me. 

To be honest, oral or finger stimulation will not give me an orgasm. It doesn't even bother me so much. 

I just miss being connected that way. PIV connection with him.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

take all sex off the table? why is that?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I dunno if this would be helpful, more of question for a sex therapist.

But I would guess that taking sex off the table might help. Focus on learning how to pleasure each other different ways. Sexuality growth, overall. 

Instructional videos, guiding him and showing him foreplay, teaching him to not be afraid of your body. Toys?

Not putting all your eggs in one basket. You both might learn something, in the end. 

My H never liked BJ's. It was just foreplay. Was one of those guys who had never had an orgasm from a BJ, he was just too uncomfortable doing "that" in front of someone else. He'd never seen toys, never watched porn with a woman, never watched a woman masturbate, etc. It was fun to explore and discover new things. If you are both willing to try new things. It takes being vulnerable to do so.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

deejov said:


> OP,
> I dunno if this would be helpful, more of question for a sex therapist.
> 
> But I would guess that taking sex off the table might help. Focus on learning how to pleasure each other different ways. Sexuality growth, overall.
> ...


I have talked about doing this stuff with him but he hates me talking about it. Its like its too dirty. You would think I have asked him to make love to me in the middle of the highway! He has this face of panic when I tell him that he should give me oral or other things.

I don't want to force this on him either because that defeats the object. 
I guess I want him to desire me like he use to.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
No, not tell him he needs to do these things. 
Action, not words.
It's done during the moment, being brave enough to comfortably guide his hands, let him know you like it. Just touching each other, fooling around, getting comfortable with it. 

Doesn't even have to be a sexual moment. Set up a mutual massage... you massage him for awhile, then he massages you. Take your shirt off, leave your underwear on. Start small. Take a shower together. Wash each other, thoroughly. Just enjoy touching each other.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Really? So you think going soft during intercourse is being "inconsiderate" and "selfish"? Maybe you've never had a partner you were not attracted to or who had cheated on you; maybe you've never had internal conflict (he cheated on her) ... or maybe you are really good at compartmentalizing. If there is a psychological reason then it very well could be situational. It's not like we're making this up; it takes two seconds on google to discover it's real. There are healthy men in their early 20s who have this problem looking for answers. I had this problem over a short time period ... I could masturbate with a full blazing erection several times a day, wake up with a raging woody, and go soft during intercourse ... primarily because I wasn't particularly attracted to my 330lb wife and I didn't exactly like her personally at the time either. It was absolutely a mental block. If I was banging her without all the other baggage, it probably wouldn't have been a problem but I don't compartmentalize that well.



No I just find being fully functional during a blow job, but going noodle during piv to be highly suspect...Did your 330 lb wife give you oral?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I have talked about doing this stuff with him but he hates me talking about it. Its like its too dirty. You would think I have asked him to make love to me in the middle of the highway! He has this face of panic when I tell him that he should give me oral or other things.
> 
> I don't want to force this on him either because that defeats the object.
> I guess I want him to desire me like he use to.


 Well, he really sounds like a baby. His penis is not getting hard for sex but he's not willing to do other things? As Dan Savage would say DTMFA. This is not a very mature attitude and frankly why would you want to be in a relationship with this person? He cheated on you and now won't help you have orgasms? He doesn't sound like a winner. The idea of not having sex is take off the pressure and engage in pleasurable activities. Hopefully some of the anxiety would go away. Sorry, but if he really concerned about YOU he wouldn't act like a baby and refuse all other forms of sexuality than PIV sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Donny64: As someone who has suffered from ED, what do you think I should do?


I have to run out for work, but if you do an advanced search, enter my name "donny64" in the username block, and "performance" in the keyword block....then "show results as posts", you should be able to find a ton of information on how I successfully dealt with it.

Here's one recent post to another woman dealing with the same issue.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/70090-men-if-you-2.html#post1568484

Also, find a new doctor. If he is otherwise healthy, there is no reason he should not be able to try viagra. Viagra is not a magic pill for performance anxiety related ED, but it can help just enough to make it a little easier (making his erection last a little longer before after the anxiety kicks in). 

He should also have his testosterone levels checked, and get a general check up.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> Well, he really sounds like a baby. His penis is not getting hard for sex but he's not willing to do other things? As Dan Savage would say DTMFA. This is not a very mature attitude and frankly why would you want to be in a relationship with this person? He cheated on you and now won't help you have orgasms? He doesn't sound like a winner. The idea of not having sex is take off the pressure and engage in pleasurable activities. Hopefully some of the anxiety would go away. Sorry, but if he really concerned about YOU he wouldn't act like a baby and refuse all other forms of sexuality than PIV sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lionlady you are right. I spoke with him last night and we had a real heart to heart. I told him that he needs to fix this otherwise or our relationship is in jeopardy. I told him to get his head out the sand and stop feeling sorry for himself. We need to be proactive about this and help each other.
We discussed his lack of foreplay with me and he admits that he needs to make the effort to please me.Be more tactile etc. He will go to the doctors to get some Viagra this week.

Anyway, all talk so far. We will see


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

donny64 said:


> I have to run out for work, but if you do an advanced search, enter my name "donny64" in the username block, and "performance" in the keyword block....then "show results as posts", you should be able to find a ton of information on how I successfully dealt with it.
> 
> Here's one recent post to another woman dealing with the same issue.
> 
> ...


Donny64 I just read all your posts on performance and they have been extremely insightful. I suddenly feel very hopeful.

I just texted my partner and told him that we need to confront this anxiety together so we are going to bed early tonight to give each other oral...and take it from there. But no pressure if nothing else evolves from that. He has agreed.

The last time he gave me oral was October 2012. I feel excited!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> There can be many causes for ED. Here are three of them:-
> 
> Wife's affair. "Was her lover better than me in bed? Oh, s**t! I can't maintain my erection!"
> 
> ...





JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If ED is strictly health related then it is more likely to happen in all/most circumstances. If it is psychological or partially health related and partially psychological then when it happens can be situational. Just like female orgasm, it isn't always just a switch you can turn off and on when you want. Drugs can remedy the health reasons for it but it doesn't do anything for the mental aspect of it.
> 
> MattMatt's comments illustrate that. Performance anxiety, stress, lack of attraction ... all sort of mental blockers that have nothing to do with physical capabilities.


Thanks. I didn't realize that ED is so complicated.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

UPDATE ABOUT LAST NIGHT:

I am purring like a cat. We had great sex last night ;-))))

So in graphic detail:

We had foreplay last night starting with just caressing each other at first.It took a while till he started getting a slight erection..and whenever he started losing it I would chat about mundane stuff just to take his mind off the anxiety while still caressing him. Then he would get hard again..it then moved onto to me rubbing against the tip of his penis while I masturbated him.

This was something I read in one of Danny64's posts and wow did that work! He had a raging hardon! We then moved to oral, I orgasmed. That really boosted his confidence and he actually asked me to sit on him! I stradddled him for a while and then finished him off with a BJ.

We were both in shock afterwards...but very very happy.

Some of the comments on this thread have been a tremendous help in understanding what my partner is going through. I clearly see that its not about me but purely a mentalblock on his part. He clearly suffers from performance anxiety.

We conquered that last night and I am very hopeful now. Thanks guys


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Hibiscus, congratulations. This is another proof that there are no mountains too high to climb for those who has persistence and dilligence. Saludos!


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## blackeugene (Mar 21, 2013)

Hey,

I don't really think it's ED, I guess it's just a psychological thing that comes from different reasons:

1. Stress of not happening again, maybe he encountered this problem before, and is now stressed that will happen again, which actually make things happen again.
2. If you use a condom, he might be stressed that the condom will make him go flaccid.
3. Stress and exhaustion caused by overworking

Together you can find the solution to this problem.

I wish you well!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> UPDATE ABOUT LAST NIGHT:
> 
> I am purring like a cat. We had great sex last night ;-))))
> 
> ...


Outstanding!!! Keep it up (no pun intended, lol).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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