# It is decided -- we are divorcing :-(



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

HI All - 

Thanks to everyone for the incredible support I have received on TAM, through the pain of my separation. After doing his own therapy and moving out 4/8/12, my STBXH (hurst to type that acronym) has made a decision that he cannot contniue in the marriage, and we are preparing for what we both hope will at least be an amicable, though inevitably sad, divorce. I took off my rings, too, finally, to mentally prepare for a new, unmarried life.

I am disappointed he did not want to try harder to save the marriage, but I accept that he did the best that he could, and am also ready for a fresh start free of the struggle and negativity that he cannot release. It hurts ao much to come to this conclusion, but I feel lighter and less depressed to at least no longer be in limbo, and begin to move forward with the next chapter of my life. I have so much to be grateful for -- great job, still fit, slim and not unattractive for my age (51), supportive co-workers, friends and family, and many things that bring me joy. My goal is to keep affirming the positive, and to get through the next steps as garcefully as possible.

Thanks again for all of the support. This is not what I would have ever expected or wanted, but life is going to hand us circumstances that would not be of our choosing, and acceptance, forgiveness of self and STBXH, learning of lessons, keeping the faith and maintaining a positive outlook feel like the healthiest response.

Onward....! Looking at apartments this weekend, and STBXH and I are meeting with the realtor tonight about getting our place sold as quickly as possible. Fair division af assets should not be a problem, and we have no children, so our split should be less complicated than for some folks -- though still painful, I'm grateful for that, at least.

We are going to have a lot of work to do to get rid of stuff for downsizing in our new respective places. I am curious, what have folks done with their framed wedding pics and albums? I will not have much storage space and don't see the point of hanging on to the framed pics, in particular. But it does not feel right to throw them in the dumster wither....just keep one or two unframed snapshots filed away somewhere as future "keepsakes"?

Hugs, - A12


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Sorry to hear it's come to this, but I admire and applaud your positive outlook. That's more than half the battle right there. Nice to see you're accepting of the situation. I'm still struggling with mine, and am six months away from being able to file for divorce.

When my wife left, she brought most of the wedding stuff with her. She did leave a large, framed picture, and three smaller frames. I did throw out the large frame, the smaller dual-frame, but I kept the 8x10 photo for a keepsake. I could not bring myself to throw it away. You could take out some of the photos from the frames and place them in an album. That way you keep tem tucked away and in a good place, whether you look at them or not. In my case, they're becoming memories more than anything else.

But it felt darn good throwing out the large frame.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi canguy66 - 

Thanks for your kind words. I am sorry it has come to this, too, but am happy to be out of the limbo phase, and glad that I had already begun working on myself to become mentally prepared myself for accepting this outcome. Most of all, it will be a huge relief for me to get moved out of our place as soon as possible, so I can truly have a new beginning. We are meeting with a realtor friend tonight who will help us get our place sold quickly, to ease the financial burden of the transition to separate households (STBXH is already renting in the area, and I soon will be, too). I am also glad there is not open hostility, and that it appears we will be able to work cooperatively to go through our (too much!) stuff and dispose of things as needed to get ready for downsizing. He even said he would help me move, which is very kind of him.

Though still heart wrenching, I do realize I have an easier situation than lots of people facing divorce, and am grateful for that. I like your suggestion about the pictures, and will do the same (dispose of frames and keep a couple in an albul to be stashed away).

Cheers, - A12


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

A12, I'm so sorry -- but I must join Canguy in celebrating your mature and positive outlook on this change in your life. I wish you all the best!


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

I am trying to hold back the tears as I read your post Awakening. I am pretty sure I will be going down this road soon as I don't see my husband changing his mind and working on reconciliation. I keep replaying the negative stuff and ask myself again why I would even want him back after everything. 

I am pleased and relieved to know that there is someone else who is taking on the positive approach and moving forward even though it hurts like hell.
I am not alone.
Good luck with everything!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

HI Bitter+Sweet - Thank you for your kind note, and I am sorry you are facing possibly a similar situation. My STBXH and I met last night with the realtor, to get our home on the market, and he hung and around before and after and we got to have some quite healing conversations. Both of us are sad about the ending of our marriage, and neither of us wanted this outcome, but accept that it has to be this way b/c he cannot find his way back (at least any time soon) to the love he once felt -- he checked out of the marriage some time ago). I do beleive there is much sincere affection that remains, and we may end up remaining friends -- and down the road, if he can rebuild the old feelings, who knows? But I am not counting on that, and we are both moving forward with a new chapter for each of us. We both cried a lot last night for the lost love and all the good times we once shared. It would almost be easier if there were mutual animosity and hostility, but there is not. He is not a jerk, he was a great husband and I thanked him for that and for loving me enough to marry me in the first place, depsite all that has happened. Anyway, do keep your chin up and trust that the Universe will unfold the way it is supposed to, and will support you in opening new doors to a happier future  You are not alone, indeed!

Hugs, - A12


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

A12,I've been sitting and thinking about what to say and all I can really think of is I'm so sorry that things didn't turn out the way you had hoped they would.I was hoping right along with you because I felt the sincerity in all of your posts.They also speak to me of a strong,caring woman who is able to deal with life on life's terms.Knowing you will find comfort with your family and friends is nice to know and I hope that the future is kind to you.Take care and God bless.

Hugs,TBT


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi TBT - 

Thanks so much for your kind feedback, and encouraging words. 

Now this latest communication with my husband is kind of interesting, and I would love to know what you and others think. Yesterday afternoon, on my way home from a women's 12-step meeting, my husband called me to check on a couple of mundane things. He then tells me that he looked into the divorce process in our state, and according to the law, a no-fault divorce with no kids requires a 6-month separation. So he said "since we will not be able to get the divorce any time soon, we should just see how it is living apart in our own spaces" (e.g. sell our home as we are doing, and live in separate rental apartments, and just see how it goes with our relationship). So now it seems like he is talking staying "separated" at least for the required 6 months of living apart (it has now been three)... However, I had already looked it up on my own, and found out that in fact, the 6 months apart must be established via a legal separation agreement, which he has not asked me to sign or ever raised. Without such an agreement, the period a couple must live apart before filing for no-fault, no kids divorce is one year.

If he has done his research, he must be aware of this? I just played dumb and noted that one advantage for him (which I don't oppose) is him being able to stay on my superlative employer-sponsored health insurance (individual market insurance is horrendous in the U.S. -- very expensive and crappy coverage). 

So essentially, if this arrangement prevails, we will sell our place, rent separately, be separated and married in name only, rings off and be free to date others or not as each chooses, and still see each other on a "play it by ear" basis -- leaving the door open to divorcing or not. I am actually OK with this, because it is not limbo for me -- I know what is happening and will have the relief of moving into my own space where I can beging to heal. We will both have the freedom to see how it goes and how we feel and whether and how much to see each other, and on what basis (friends or dating). Post-poning divorce and essentially staying separated, with no obligation either way. I am OK with this, and not feeling that it will leave me with any false hope of reconciliation, yet it does leave the door open a tiny crack and not slammed shut, if that makes sense.

What do you think? I don't see a down side to it, but am open to opinions/perspectives. Definitely feeling more bouyant today, and just generally content with whatever the future may hold. 

Fascinated by life and all it's mystery  Cheers, - A12


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## Unendinglove (Jun 3, 2012)

New here, going through the separation part and hope to find the friends that you did to help me through, best of luck!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

this place is a lifeline, believe me - I wouldn't have got through and out the other side without it

but I did and you will too


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

For me leaving the door open a crack would scare me. He could decide to reconcile or to continue with the divorce. I would have to know one way or the other. My emotions would be all over the place. 
Good luck A12!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Bitter+Sweet - I hear you, but my fears are somewhat alleviated with the decision to sell our condo and both be in separated rental apartments. At least now I am not in complete limbo, which feels more comfortable. I know where I am going and what we are doing, what the terms are. If the ambiguity starts to bother me, I can always bring this up, but I see my husband wanting to try to re-connect with me more so than before the condo sale was decided, so why wreck that momentum, unless there is reason (e.g. one or both wants to date others). We spent almost 4 hours together yesterday, including him taking me out for a very nice dinner, expressing distaste for wanting to date again, and saying he wants to "see where things go." I am not going to get my hopes up for a reconciliation, but do still see this lingering desire in him to keep that door open. We have what he thinks is a 6 month (3 months from now) separation time before divorce papers can be filed -- it is actually 12 months, without a signed legal separation agreement, but he either does not know this or isn't saying so, and I'm keeping mum - LOL!

He was moving more things out of the condo yestedray, and told me he came across the framed wedding pics I had stashed away in a closet. He said that every groom on their wedding day, should feel he is marrying the most beautiful woman in the world, and was reminded that is how he felt, and still feels, looking a t the pictures and started to get teary eyed. I may be wrong, but get the feeling he has not let go completely, and that love is still there.

What I am wondering, is how do couples that do reconcile manage to rekindle the old flames and restore the emotional bond? I can feel us both wanting to be open to this, but does it just either happen or not over time together (dating) and building positive NEW vibes? Or are there other things that can help restore emotional bonding and intimacy/chemistry (which we had in spades the first few years together)?

Thanks again for all the helpful feedback! Hope everyone has a great day!

Cheers - A12


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

A12-Life,hard to understand sometimes isn't it? Knowing where you're coming from,this type of arrangement actually may be more conducive to a better chance of reconciling.Though your home assuredly held many good memories,I'm sure the latter part of your time together there also held a few bitter memories.Memories that might have caused negative reflection for your husband when he dropped in from time to time.With the sale,you not only move on from a recent place of sadness for you,but also a place that may be negatively influencing your husband's decision.

As far as reconnecting,you might try remembering all the things you said and did when you were courting.You both obviously found the love for one another there.I've seen some people suggest reading the "5 languages of love",written by I believe a Dr. Chapman.I'm sure if you google it you'll find out more information.Anyway,I'm glad you have this glimmer and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Take care,TBT


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi TBT - Thanks for your kind and helpful feedback. I think you are correct about the sale of our home and my moving into my own place as a positive step, in terms of improving whatever chnace we amy have for reconcilitation. My 12-step sponsor and others have affirmed this as well. Thanks, too, for the advice on things that can help facilitate reconnection -- I will check out the 5 love languages. I still feel that at some point, some skillful couples therapy could help us explore whether and how we can rebuild and renew our connection, but he is not "yet" committed to this and I am not going to press him on it. Who knows? Maybe he is still afraid to make that kind of committment to working on the relationship but possibly, he'll be more open to it, if things go well? I am curious whether his own individual therapist that he sees has ever suggested couples work, or brought it up -- but I guess that is none of my business, right? ;-)

My priority is to continue working on myself -- for my own well-being and without other motive, but possibly with time he will see the changes in me for the better, and become more confident about the re-emergence of the woman and the qualities he fell in love with. I think the trust issues are still a big things holding him back from and protecting his heart from fears of being hurt or betrayed again, but only time can heal those wounds, right? Or are there other things I can be doing to re-assure him and build confidence in me, that I am back on track for GOOD.

Thanks again, and bless you! You have been more helpful to me than you know. Have a great day!

Hugs, - A12


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Awakening2012 said:


> My priority is to continue working on myself -- for my own well-being and without other motive, but possibly with time he will see the changes in me for the better, and become more confident about the re-emergence of the woman and the qualities he fell in love with. I think the trust issues are still a big things holding him back from and protecting his heart from fears of being hurt or betrayed again, but only time can heal those wounds, right? Or are there other things I can be doing to re-assure him and build confidence in me, that I am back on track for GOOD.


Sounds like a wise plan. Besides, you're the only person you can truly work on anyway. While I get wanting to work on yourself to become more attractive to him, these changes should be made primarily for you. I've realized that in my own situation.

I am glad there seems to be a door open to reconciliation in your case. To honest, I am a bit envious. I wish you well. You are certainly facing it all with a great attitude and optimism. Sounds like you will most definitely land on your feet no matter what the outcome.

Best wishes.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Canguy66 - Thank you for the kind and wise words. You are awesome, and I wish the very best for you, too. Know that with her or not, you belong with someone who will want to give you the love, respect and appreciation you deserve! Cheers,- A12


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