# Doubts about R



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Still hoping for our M to be R, and am working on me. However, asI am in regular contact with W, in her presence, I have begun questioning if I really want R.

Right now, I'm so focused on me. In the meantime, I look at my W, who has changed over the years, and don't see the same kind of soul-searching, self-reflection, self-improvement that I am into now in order to prevent D. And, it irritates me.

Is this normal? Am I improving and chasing the W I knew and loved years ago?

I assume these doubts will get stronger and occur more often, especially, if none of my efforts are acknowledged or reciprocated.

That's a dynamic right now. It may be different when 2 willing spouses are doing everything they can to save the marriage....


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

You do not try anything until she comes back wanting to try.

Sucks to be the one begging when it should be the other way around. I know it a bit off topic, but just wanted to reiterate that.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, It sounds normal to me at least because that's how I feel too. He has no interest in R and I am reading, working on me, but really what I see him doing is pushing me and the children away. It will be his loss. 

Your wife's loss, too. I actually was going to write to you last wkd about this... After waiting on you to get over being angry for 4 months maybe she just tired of waiting and moved on in her head w/o you. I would hope she knows that she has much blame on her side... but maybe she is just being 'defensive' from the pain she felt for those months you were 'done.' That is where I am done. If my H wanted to come back, it would be hard to take him back. I would require MC/IC and him seeing our GP. Dating and starting a new relationship not just him moving back in to the house. I would try for my kids but I would not guarantee it unless he was putting a 100% into it. I can't see him ever wanting or agreeing to any of that so I am saving for filing/retainer and moving on. I think about you and your rush to file and the damage it caused to your relationship (after she did her share) but I just can't be afraid (talking to myself a lot here). 

I wish my H was more like you w/ the desire to save the M and family unit. I had thought I could try to give him months away but I just can't (right now) do it financially and emotionally I feel like it is more and more damaging to my spirit/soul waiting for him.

How much interaction with your kids did you have during your first 4 months away?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Jay, It sounds normal to me at least because that's how I feel too. He has no interest in R and I am reading, working on me, but really what I see him doing is pushing me and the children away. It will be his loss.
> 
> Your wife's loss, too. I actually was going to write to you last wkd about this... After waiting on you to get over being angry for 4 months maybe she just tired of waiting and moved on in her head w/o you. I would hope she knows that she has much blame on her side... but maybe she is just being 'defensive' from the pain she felt for those months you were 'done.' That is where I am done. If my H wanted to come back, it would be hard to take him back. I would require MC/IC and him seeing our GP. Dating and starting a new relationship not just him moving back in to the house. I would try for my kids but I would not guarantee it unless he was putting a 100% into it. I can't see him ever wanting or agreeing to any of that so I am saving for filing/retainer and moving on. I think about you and your rush to file and the damage it caused to your relationship (after she did her share) but I just can't be afraid (talking to myself a lot here).
> 
> ...


Hi.

To answer your question. Remember, initially when we separated, it was over a loosely defined EA, with stuff I found. I was in shock. I had as much time with them as I wanted, which has always been as close to 50-50 as possible (we both realize we're good parents). Even took a family vacation over this time.

Then, something snapped in me. I became overwhelmed in emotions and fear, over her hurtful actions, which is why I filed. Then came the 2-3 months adversarial posturing, etc. It was near 50-50, then too.

Finally, I, got through that dark and bitter time and began to self-reflect. And to think about what we had, etc. That's when I approached her with my 2nd thoughts. 50-50 then/now too, with family activities together.

She did say that the way I filed (no warning) caused her to shut off any hope at R. At the time, I wanted her to hurt the way I was hurt.

So now, she may have indeed closed off hope. But surely she could see that the person I was months ago, was not the true me. Rather, I was acting out.

I am a warm, loving man. And, I want her to feel that every single time I am around her, whether we make it or not.

Right now, I think any physical separation over a month, inevitably leads to divorce. I just don't see how couples can be separated a year or 2 and come back together. It happens, but I think the numbers are so, so small.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My stbxh and I were together for 25 years. About 20 years ago we separated due to his alcohol and drug addiction. We were apart for a year and a half. We continued to have a good friendship, and he saw our older son on the weekends. He had his own apartment. Then we decided to re-unite, he had been sobar for over a year, and had changed quite a bit for the positive. I think a couple can get back together after being separated. I also think that there has to be that intention on both sides so that either party does not move on into another relationship.

In the end, my marriage failed, but after many issues years later, and two more children.

good luck


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

working_together said:


> My stbxh and I were together for 25 years. About 20 years ago we separated due to his alcohol and drug addiction. We were apart for a year and a half. We continued to have a good friendship, and he saw our older son on the weekends. He had his own apartment. Then we decided to re-unite, he had been sobar for over a year, and had changed quite a bit for the positive. I think a couple can get back together after being separated. I also think that there has to be that* intention on both sides *so that either party does not move on into another relationship.
> 
> In the end, my marriage failed, but after many issues years later, and two more children.
> 
> good luck



The question now is, how do I change me in order for her to see/trust so that she can see the possibility of intending to save our M, and begin to do so together (baby steps)...


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Jayb said:


> The question now is, how do I change me in order for her to see/trust so that she can see the possibility of intending to save our M, and begin to do so together (baby steps)...


That is the question, isn't it? If I figure it out, I'll let you know.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Breakdown for me this evening. I have the children this weekend and she dropped them off to go bowling with friends. Then, it hit me. She's not coming back tonight. I won't see her tonight. We're living separately. We only see each other around the children and for the children.

Started down that path and got upset.

What a painful ride.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Breakdown for me this evening. I have the children this weekend and she dropped them off to go bowling with friends. Then, it hit me. She's not coming back tonight. I won't see her tonight. We're living separately. We only see each other around the children and for the children.
> 
> Started down that path and got upset.
> 
> What a painful ride.


That's also known as "leaving the denial stage and entering the acceptance stage".

You're getting there. 

Think of it as a positive step in the right direction regardless of how painful it is.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Jayb said:


> The question now is, how do I change me in order for her to see/trust so that she can see the possibility of intending to save our M, and begin to do so together (baby steps)...


Easy. Show her you are no longer interested in saving the marriage and don't want her anymore. She'll wonder what happened to you and why you don't want her like before. You're still nice but your #1 is now your #2 behind other interests in life. So you won't be chasing her and trying to pressure her to love you again. You let her know you would rather your marriage be saved but it's impossible and you can deal with whatever happens next. Once you let her know you're no longer going to pressure her to feel different and take yourself out of the running as potential partner, she won't feel threatened about letting her guard down around you. You can start to have a friendship like before but no romantic invitations or trying to kiss her which will blow the deal. You've got to start over very slowly and take baby steps to get her back.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

J- again, you sound so much like my husband.....and, for me, the constant "i miss you so much", "you are my everything", the "sad" routine, makes me want to spend less time around him.....i know he (and you) are hurting.....but i want to see a MAN....someone who will come together with me, face our issues, admit to them, and see if they can be "fixed".....dont know if she is like me, but thats just my take on it  Sorry u are hurting....


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> J- again, you sound so much like my husband.....and, for me, the constant "i miss you so much", "you are my everything", the "sad" routine, makes me want to spend less time around him.....i know he (and you) are hurting.....but i want to see a MAN....someone who will come together with me, face our issues, admit to them, and see if they can be "fixed".....dont know if she is like me, but thats just my take on it  Sorry u are hurting....


Than goodness I stopped all of that around her months ago! I'm continually upbeat. Positive. Outgoing. Flexible. 

Right now, my W says I cannot fix things. Because, who knows, in a year, we may be back at square 1. She's lost the feeling and doesn't know if she can get it back at doesn't want to try.

I am having trouble hitting the medium spot. I went through the rage/bitter stage when we fought over everything, and I was consumed with anger. Then, I swung over to the "I will do anything to fix this stage. 

I want the, "I'm at peace with myself and us, and can spend as much time around you and not even regret 1 decision I've or you've made."


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Than goodness I stopped all of that around her months ago! I'm continually upbeat. Positive. Outgoing. Flexible.
> 
> Right now, my W says I cannot fix things. Because, who knows, in a year, we may be back at square 1. She's lost the feeling and doesn't know if she can get it back at doesn't want to try.


Continue being upbeat/flexible.



Jayb said:


> I am having trouble hitting the medium spot. I went through the rage/bitter stage when we fought over everything, and I was consumed with anger. Then, I swung over to the "I will do anything to fix this stage.
> 
> I want the, "I'm at peace with myself and us, and can spend as much time around you and not even regret 1 decision I've or you've made."


I will fix this... been there.

I am at the "I'm at peace (I think)" and I have done what I could, but I don't think the rest is possible anytime soon (years).I really don't know if it's possible, but who says we have to get there. 

The fact that she isn't willing to try to find the feeling is bothersome (I know that too well too).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> The question now is, how do I change me in order for her to see/trust so that she can see the possibility of intending to save our M, and begin to do so together (baby steps)...


Wow... Okay, re-reading and thinking what I would want if you were my H... well, you are doing MC, but you haven't stopped the divorce process. I think I would need a gesture showing that you weren't just going through the motions so you can say you 'tried.' I don't know what that would do to the cost or anything but I would want/need a gesture saying I know I f'd up, and so did you, now I am willing to try for us and the family but I'd want more emphasis on "us" than the family. I would like the H to come back to me not the family.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Wow... Okay, re-reading and thinking what I would want if you were my H... well, you are doing MC, but you haven't stopped the divorce process. I think I would need a gesture showing that you weren't just going through the motions so you can say you 'tried.' I don't know what that would do to the cost or anything but I would want/need a gesture saying I know I f'd up, and so did you, now I am willing to try for us and the family but I'd want more emphasis on "us" than the family. I would like the H to come back to me not the family.


MC ended 2 weeks ago. She wasn't willing. Yes, I filed and everytime I mention withdrawing the petition, she goes exorcist crazy because "we both have spent so much time and money to get this far". She's determined to see this D through because she has no hope, doesn't want to try, etc.

Oh yeah, we continue to be friends. I found myself many times this past weekend, touching her, patting, her, etc. when we were talking and walking


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