# Husband's moods so up and down!



## JazelleMarcelle (Jan 5, 2022)

My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You choose to marry him. Has he always been this way?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

That's a tough spot, I'm sorry that you're in it. My XH was like that too: I didn't know if I was going to get the nice or moody version of him when he came home from work. Sometimes, just asking how his day was got him ticked off, so eventually I just stopped talking past "Hi, welcome home". You don't want to hit that point because by then, the relationship has died. 

Have you tried waiting until he's pleasant and broaching this subject to him in a calm, non-accusatory way? I specify that because men can be fragile creatures (sorry, guys). But, this is where I would start. If you approach him in a calm manner, and keep your emotions in check, his reaction will tell you a lot. He could be open to talking with you, or he could blow up. Either way, you will have more of a picture of what you're dealing with, and then you can decide whether or not it's something that you can work through with him.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

My last BF was exactly like that and it's why I broke things off with him. Red flags he kept hidden for months. You're married though so you have a big decision to make. The chances of him changing are almost zero, can you live with this for the rest of your life?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s ok you can vent all you like. Getting it out in the open to dissect is the first step. If you keep it in a bottle for too long it will just drag your soul down. I would imagine it is a confusing thing to have undivided attention one day and an azz the next. It’s really not fair. I’m the type of person that plays things out immediately when I don’t like something ... I suggest you do the same. Be polite but assertive and direct. People get treated the way they allow themselves to be treated.


----------



## JazelleMarcelle (Jan 5, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> You choose to marry him. Has he always been this way?


He used to be worse! I fell hook line and sinker for his love bombs. He improved so I married him.


----------



## JazelleMarcelle (Jan 5, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s ok you can vent all you like. Getting it out in the open to dissect is the first step. If you keep it in a bottle for too long it will just drag your soul down. I would imagine it is a confusing thing to have undivided attention one day and an azz the next. It’s really not fair. I’m the type of person that plays things out immediately when I don’t like something ... I suggest you do the same. Be polite but assertive and direct. People get treated the way they allow themselves to be treated.


Thank you for this reply. You are correct in what you say about we are basically responsible for how we allow oursleves to be treated. I will start asserting myself more.


----------



## JazelleMarcelle (Jan 5, 2022)

Not said:


> My last BF was exactly like that and it's why I broke things off with him. Red flags he kept hidden for months. You're married though so you have a big decision to make. The chances of him changing are almost zero, can you live with this for the rest of your life?


I realise the chances of change are basically zero. His behaviours are engrained in his personality. I guess I just can't comprehend how he can be so nice and then such a n*b. As if one side has no recollection of the other. His loving side is so addictive. I've never felt anything like it.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> Thank you for this reply. You are correct in what you say about we are basically responsible for how we allow oursleves to be treated. I will start asserting myself more.


It’s not an easy thing if it isn’t your natural personality. Some things take more effort.

Cute avatar 👍


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is there any chance there is a medical reason. For instance, if he was undiagnosed diabetic, his mood would be greatly determined on what his blood sugar level was. too high or too low, and he could be very cranky--purely because the blood sugar effects the way his brain works.

I he drinking a lot of fluids, and peeing all the time?


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

I thought men were only supposed to have one mood, all year long?


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.


Drops in testosterones can cause a man to become moody. 
Have you thought to have checked for hisT-levels?


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Drops in testosterones can cause a man to become moody.
> Have you thought to have checked for hisT-levels?


yeah, just because a guy is moody, does NOT necessarily mean he is an ahole!

could be medical. Mabye at work there is monsterous stress levels and he fears losing his job. who knows, dig a little deeper.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Some people are just moody...actually, we all are, but some of us contain it better or hide it better.

Have you ever asked him what he needs from you when he is feeling moody? Maybe he would just like you to be quiet with him and not discuss anything triggering?

Most people I've been around alot have definite "high" times and "low" times, and if I choose to be around them for the highs, I learn to deal with the lows by causing the least amount of stress for them and making sure I don't take their bad moods personally or try to "fix" their feelings. I have to allow them to be themselves and work it out on their own.

I don't pick at them or make comments like, "why are you in a bad mood now?"...or allow my feelings to be hurt by THEIR mood.

Now if he is venting on you or being purposefully hurtful to make himself feel better, then that's a whole other issue, and I would NEVER stay around anyone who treats me like that!!

But if he's just quiet and annoyed or stewing, you can either remove yourself to another room, or stay quietly with him in support...whichever works for you.


----------



## JazelleMarcelle (Jan 5, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> Drops in testosterones can cause a man to become moody.
> Have you thought to have checked for hisT-levels?


He has had his testosterone levels checked. It is low. He has been prescribed


Talker67 said:


> yeah, just because a guy is moody, does NOT necessarily mean he is an ahole!
> 
> could be medical. Mabye at work there is monsterous stress levels and he fears losing his job. who knows, dig a little deeper.


You say to dig a little deeper as though I am just some moaning wife who hasn't bothered to think of her husband's pov. Well I know the reasons he is moody, childhood trauma, ex wife messed up his relationship with his kids, and yes he has health problems. My issue is how he takes it out on me when I do nothing but support him. That is why I posted. I reached out for advice on how I deal with that.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> He has had his testosterone levels checked. It is low. He has been prescribed
> 
> 
> You say to dig a little deeper as though I am just some moaning wife who hasn't bothered to think of her husband's pov. Well I know the reasons he is moody, childhood trauma, ex wife messed up his relationship with his kids, and yes he has health problems. My issue is how he takes it out on me when I do nothing but support him. That is why I posted. I reached out for advice on how I deal with that.


He didn't mean it in any kind of bad way, he was just offering you suggestions based on his life experience, like we all are...you can take them or ignore them. But he didn't mean any criticism of you. That was his advice for you.

I believe that if he has low Testosterone, his mood might improve when he gets his level back up!! Many men fall into Male PMS feelings with low-T, so hopefully the prescription will help make him feel better.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

45 years old with Low Testosterone This looks like a classic case of IMS. (irritable man syndrome)
The testosterone will help the more even the application the more even the mood. I had to change from every other week to every week to level out the roller coaster.
Exercise and activity actually work better than the shot. If you want to do something to support him this is it.

I know you want to solve this in an emotional way but take it from us old guys who have been through this, We see our past in your post. 
More walking, ball playing, rowing or even weight lifting. Less talking.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You choose to marry him. Has he always been this way?


Per the OP, yes it has as she said this in her first post:



JazelleMarcelle said:


> It's always been the same.


OP the went on to say this in another comment:



JazelleMarcelle said:


> I realise the chances of change are basically zero. His behaviours are engrained in his personality.



Basically she knew what he was like, yet she chose to marry him anyway. 

Why? 

She said this:



JazelleMarcelle said:


> His loving side is so addictive. I've never felt anything like it.



She took a calculated gamble and she's finding out that she doesn't want to be with him the rest of her life.


OP,

I don't want you to live unhappy so it would be better for you to divorce and for the both of you to go your separate ways.

Please learn from this so when you choose your next long term partner you don't let their good side or their "loving side" overwhelm their bad side.

Please look at the whole, their good and their bad and make an appropriate decision.

I'll end on this, by the time folks become adults, it isn't wise to hope or think you'll be able to change them, what you see is what you get.

Good luck to you going forward.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.



I saw where it was mentioned that he has low testosterone. Low testosterone will make a guy very moody, and a wide range of other issues like erection issues, depression/anxiety, etc..... Dont get me wrong, I am in no way defending his behavior. 

But what is his dosage and how often? What is his estrogen level and testosterone level? 

Another important question, how is your sex life? A lack of sex in a relationship will really affect a guy in everyway from mood, physical, and psychologically.... I have been married 16 years. About two years ago my sex drive just dwindled by 80%. I also started developing a bit of a gut and just didn't have the energy to do anything I liked. I was irritable, but she said I just seemed like nothing was exciting. The doc found I had low T, and tested at 177. He said that is low for a guy who is 100 years old and said I have no doubt you feel like a zombie. After a few months, I feel like I am 21 and even happier than before! I scare the hell out of my Boston Terrier with my happiness lol.

Also, how is his alcohol consumption? Beer and alcohol are garbage to a mans body. Lot of sugar spikes and the alcohol trashes chemicals in the brain like serotonin and dopamine which controls mood. If he is a beer drinker, wine, or liquor. Challenge him to go 30 days without alcohol of any kind. Make a calendar to show progress, encourage him and treat him to some spicy lingerie at day 30.... i know that sounds a little child like lol. But alcohol, testosterone, sex, and stress are huge factors in mood.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.


Yeah, those "only joking" people are a gas lighting bunch. They say something offensive and you don't think it's funny, it's because there's something wrong with you. 

I just think you have to continue to call him out on that stuff. A lot of times when someone likes to put other people down, it's their own less low self-esteem and in the moment when they feel like taking someone down a peg, it makes them feel bigger. I don't know if he's one of those or not but you can sure tell he's always putting other people down or not. He definitely likes to stick it to you. Try to adhere to the most basic rule which is only reward good behavior and don't reward bad behavior but instead withdraw your attention at a minimum. So maybe you just walk away unless it's a real big deal so he can't even keep a dialogue going about it. Remember if he's doing it he's getting something out of it. It may be a habit he's had since he was young.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, those "only joking" people are a gas lighting bunch. They say something offensive and you don't think it's funny, it's because there's something wrong with you.
> 
> I just think you have to continue to call him out on that stuff. A lot of times when someone likes to put other people down, it's their own less low self-esteem and in the moment when they feel like taking someone down a peg, it makes them feel bigger. I don't know if he's one of those or not but you can sure tell he's always putting other people down or not. He definitely likes to stick it to you. Try to adhere to the most basic rule which is only reward good behavior and don't reward bad behavior but instead withdraw your attention at a minimum. So maybe you just walk away unless it's a real big deal so he can't even keep a dialogue going about it. Remember if he's doing it he's getting something out of it. It may be a habit he's had since he was young.


Sounds like you are describing my boss at work lol. The guy is scatter brained and constantly using fear and mood swings as a tactic


----------



## Justsurviving85 (Nov 8, 2020)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.


I spent years and years living just as you described and this is one topic I have too much experience and insight into. 
Some won’t believe this but many times I could actually feel the tension before walking in the house after work. I walked on eggshells for at least 18-20 years due to I couldn’t gamble with our children. As long as I was there I knew what was going on but if a judge awarded her custody I would have no way to know until after things happened. 
in 2010 both children had grown up and had graduated high school. I made the decision to move out and within the first week had filed for divorce. She would not sign the papers and my offer kept going up. I stayed in an apartment for 6 months and knew she had been seeing a counselor and was in depression medication. When I seen her at my son birthday meal at Outback I could tell she was a totally different person. After many long talks I moved back home and I was amazed. The next 8-9 years were no doubt the best years of our marriage.
I tell that long story just to say many times if not most of the time a person who has been that way for years have also learned they can get their way if they throw a fit. They know we will do whatever will keep them from causing a scene in public. It seems they have to hit rock bottom and see they are about to lose not only their spouse but also their entire family and way of living. .
If they really care for you when they see it’s not just an idle threat it’s amazing how much more willing they are to work on improving the relationship. Best of luck


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you thought about marriage counseling? 
I was married to a man who was nice one minute and angry the next. Myself and the children used to walk on eggshells because we never knew how he would react to things. Its not easy.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Agree on the T-part. I’ve been on pellets since 2017 and can attest to the symptoms.

I would also research attachment styles. He sounds avoidant which manifests in some of the issues. Intimacy avoidance usually stems from upbringing or trauma in their past.

Speaking for myself, the lower I am on my wife’s priority the less connected I feel and this stuff manifests as well. Almost like a temper tantrum but expressed as anger and passive aggressiveness. It’s like a downward spiral. Something moves one partner’s attention elsewhere, the other feels neglected so they respond by shutting down. First partner notices and doesn’t want to be with a jerk so they shut down. No sex… so then spiral down further.

There might be some triggering going on as well. It took 16 years before my wife’s past trauma really started affecting us and she finally talked about it.s. It was the kids reaching the age her family imploded and she changed emotionally.

Have you all done counseling? There might be some stuff that needs to be aired or you and him here from a neutral third party.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> I realise the chances of change are basically zero. His behaviours are engrained in his personality. I guess I just can't comprehend how he can be so nice and then such a n*b. As if one side has no recollection of the other. His loving side is so addictive. I've never felt anything like it.


Sounds like he might have NPD


----------



## StellaRose (12 mo ago)

JazelleMarcelle said:


> My husband is 45, I'm 38. We've been married 5 years. Both of us have been married before. I am finding recently I am becoming sick and tired of the roller-coaster my husband takes me on. It's always been the same. It's like living with two different people. Sometimes he is so loving, so attentive, funny, kind, thoughtful, we connect and I feel he listens and understands me. Then out of the blue that disappears. He gets grumpy, has digs at me, and even shows signs of using things I've said when we're close, against me. He says 'jokes' about things I don't want him to joke about. I point out that I've asked him not to say things but he continues and finds it amusing. They're not nasty things but he is definitely disrespectful of my feelings. I used to get upset but now I am so sick of it I just say little digs back and I can see it hurts him. I can't take his emotional baggage ****e anymore. But then it feels so good when he's nice. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or what I'm wanting from this group. I guess I want to vent and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I feel lonely and I'm worried I'll get so sick of this I'll be faced with another divorce. If I told him how I felt when he's in a bad mood he would gaslight me and we would have a massive row. If I told him when he was in a good mood be would apologetic but the behaviour would continue.


Sounds a lot like a narcassist. The gaslighting along with the mood swings. I've been in a similar relationship for MUCH longer, and it never got better for me. You need to understand that you cannot change his behavior. You just need to decide what you are willing to accept.


----------

