# The passion is gone



## Lost_and_Confused_Hubby (Jun 18, 2018)

So this is my first time posting like this. I am just not sure what to do. My wife and I have been married almost 6 years now and it is like the passion has been slowly disappearing over the last couple years. We don't ever really fight about anything and we are bothe pretty laid back people. We get along great. We talked about it a little and we both agreed that its just like we are best friends raising kids together. I don't know what to do to make myself sexually attracted to her again or her to me. It seems like we have just become really complacent with eachother or something. My sex drive has just tanked over the last year or so as well. I am just not as interested in it as I used to be. I just don't know what to do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

How old are you? Have you had your testosterone levels checked? If not, do that ASAP. You should talk to your Dr to see if anything else can be affecting you (heart issues?). Also, are you depressed? That can also affect libido.
Is your wife also low sex drive? Have you discussed this with her in direct, non-emotional terms?


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## Lost_and_Confused_Hubby (Jun 18, 2018)

I am 32 and my wife is 27. She seems to want sex more than I do. We did talk about the possibility of low testosterone. We really just started talking about all this last night. We both seem to also be depressed about our current situation where it seems like we are just working non stop.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, sounds like your priorities are NOT on each other, but are on work first, kids, and then someplace down the list, your marriage.

1) DEF get checked by the Dr. Also, can YOU just satisfy her even if you are not in the mood? Oral, manual, toys, whatever? At least until you get your drive back in order. Also REALLY try to think WHY you don't want sex? Are there other things in your life you just "don't want to do" anymore? Could be the start of depression. Do you watch a ton of porn? If so, STOP THAT right now. Your WIFE should always be the priority for anything sexual (doesn't mean you can't watch porn as long as she is ok with it, but SHE is #1).

2) Make sure you devote time to JUST THE TWO OF YOU (NO kids, NOBODY else ) -- go out to dinner, dates, get a motel room for the night, whatever. Share the planning with both of you. Look, I know kids are important but THE TWO OF YOU are the MOST important. Kids will grow up and leave -- hopefully, if you concentrate on each other, your spouse won't.....


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## Lost_and_Confused_Hubby (Jun 18, 2018)

I used to watch porn and even that hasn't been interesting to me lately. It is definitely hard to get time alone together because we dont really have friends or family to watch our kids and one of us is always working. I work 4 10 hr days and she works on the 3 days I have off. We even talked about the fact that neither of us are really taking care of our bodies the way we used like grooming and working out kinda stuff. Getting my testosterone leveks checked is a great idea. On top of no sex drive I also have no energy ever. I always start working out and it my last a week before I get burnt out.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What did the two of you do together when you first fell in love? Do you still routinely do those things? Do you both behave like the same person the other fell in love with? Do you both look like the person the other fell in love with? Do you each treat the other in the same ways as when you fell in love?

If the answers to any or all of those questions is "no", then there's your problem. If you want to sustain love, you need to be the person your partner fell in love with and treat them the same way you did when they fell in love with you. And that needs to be reciprocal. 

Get a copy of Fall in Love, Stay in Love by W. Harley. It's got a lot of good information regarding how to sustain in-love feelings in a marriage. It's really not all that complicated, but it does take an understanding and acceptance of each other's emotional needs, and a willingness to devote the necessary time and energy to meeting them for one another on a consistent basis.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You are too young to have low drive and low energy...might be low T. Also check thyroid. Go see your doc and do a full blood panel.

Is there anything you can do about your work schedules? If she is off on the days you work and you are off on the days she works, when are you guys supposed to have time together?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lost_and_Confused_Hubby said:


> I am 32 and my wife is 27. She seems to want sex more than I do. We did talk about the possibility of low testosterone. We really just started talking about all this last night. We both seem to also be depressed about our current situation where it seems like we are just working non stop.


You have appeared to identified the problem. Working non-stop. Apparently kids are coming first. You and your W need to place each other first. Happy mom and dad have happy kids. As far as overworking. Only you two can make the changes to your work schedule. 

Remember way back when you and your W were dating? Seems you two made the time to have a good time. You must continue to find the time ALONE together for no less than 15 hours a week basically dating. Now, one might say, "Fifteen hours is impossible!" It is not really. Coffee in the morning for an hour. Movie date for 4 hours(dinner included). Pick a Saturday or Sunday for a day trip(just you two) with not talk of kids, work, bills and other crap that muddles the day. When you talk, both, must stop and provide undivided attention. Take care of each other needs be it listening, touch, etc. 

Reconnection is possible. My W and I have been there. As our kids got older and more independent it was much easier to reconnect. It is to the point now with my W we book weekend get aways months in advance. Day trips weeks in advance. Dinner out when we can. 

It takes work these marriages. Putting a marriage on autopilot the only destination is into the unknown. Turn off the autopilot and direct your path.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I find a trap that everyone falls into....
They get married and assume the legally binding (or religiously binding) act of marriage is like some pill that you swallow that makes you lovers for life.

There are instincts in us that should NOT be ignored just because you got married. In your case, you admit that you both let yourselves go. Many expect their partners to want them as bad as their 'fit' days when they were more fun and more attractive.... yet they do not have any of those traits anymore.

Basically... you need to become attractive again and work on being fun. I believe the best way to achieve this is to do it yourself and she will follow if she likes your direction. If you try to do it "together" you will just end up in a cycle of inactivity. Someone needs to break the cycle

One... Stop using porn. I know you said that it doesn't excite you anymore but I bet you still use it when your horny which is enough to reset your 'sexual desire' clock... one that you wife is most likely not even on anymore.

Two.. get your testosterone checked. You might be low

Three.. Drop your fat % - Fat also kills your testosterone and is unattractive

Four.. Join a gym and lift weights. Look up hypertrophy programs (programs that build muscle on your body) - Increased muscle also means a loss of fat b/c muscle requires more energy. Most newbies can gain muscle and loose some fat in the early stages

Five.. Start being more attractive. 
Clothes are too loose? Throw them out
Clothes smell? Clean them
Clothes are wrinkled? Steam them
Keep yourself clean and trimmed as if your having sex that hour


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lost_and_Confused_Hubby said:


> I used to watch porn and even that hasn't been interesting to me lately. It is definitely hard to get time alone together because we dont really have friends or family to watch our kids and one of us is always working. I work 4 10 hr days and she works on the 3 days I have off. We even talked about the fact that neither of us are really taking care of our bodies the way we used like grooming and working out kinda stuff. Getting my testosterone leveks checked is a great idea. On top of no sex drive I also have no energy ever. I always start working out and it my last a week before I get burnt out.


A couple of points:
1)No one to watch your kids -- do you belong to a Church (so maybe you can find someone to watch your kids there?) There are also, depending on your children's ages, groups you can have them join (sports, etc.) that can give you a little time together. YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS or this problem will NEVER go away.
2) I know work issues are a problem, but is there any way to shift at least ONE day of work so that you line up with days off? How about after work -- kids asleep, what do you do? turn off the TV and talk (about anything and everything), have a coffee or drink together and unwind. You CAN find some time together if you need to. One of you take off one day a month that the other has off and plan something (get #1 done first -- get a professional babysitting service if you have to).
3)For working out, how about the entire family go for a walk around the neighborhood before/after dinner? Start out slow and mix it up. If you are watching TV, how about lifting some hand weights while sitting there? Get a set of bands and use those... Lack of energy tells me something else is going on (medical, depression, something....) that needs to be figured out.

Please make sure your wife and you CONTINUE to talk about this to make sure no resentment builds up and that you can support each other...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Steve2.0 said:


> Four.. Join a gym and lift weights. Look up hypertrophy programs (programs that build muscle on your body) - Increased muscle also means a loss of fat b/c muscle requires more energy. Most newbies can gain muscle and loose some fat in the early stages


Couple exercise/lifting heavy **** with eating right. Be it keto, low carb, paleo, ancestral. They go hand in hand, and I dare say the food aspect is more important. Like the OP, I also, for years, tried to ''eat better'' and lift at the same time, I also burned out after a week or two. This most recent, and most successful go around, I started keto first, then waited a month until my energy levels rose and I started to feel much better before I started to lift. Now, I have an irregular lift schedule. I work out, then wait a few days for recovery (I'm in my 40s, so I give extra time, lol), then wait for the next burst of energy and work out again. The gap can be from 3 to seven days, usually. I'm not looking to be the next Franco Columbo, but it's paying dividends nonetheless. 

Anyway, OP, it seems you both have a good attitude regarding this issue and I see success in the near future.


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## Lost_and_Confused_Hubby (Jun 18, 2018)

Thank you everyone for all the great advice. Definitely gives me a lot to think about.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lost_and_Confused_Hubby said:


> Thank you everyone for all the great advice. Definitely gives me a lot to think about.


Only you can make it happen. I figured that out after 24 years of marriage. I can say, it was like a new beginning for my W and I. We simply stopped, listened, made plans, booked rooms, made dinner reservations, rain day binge watch and began dating again. We look forward to every weekend doing things together. 

Again, it takes work. The rewards are excellent.


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

check your testosterone, low T. Both should go to a dr


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