# Emotional Mess



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Married for 18 years to a man that was my best friend. We had a few rough years but I assumed we’d make it through. In the past few months he started gaslighting me and turned into a cruel and unloving person. We had raised a son and it was now just the 2 of us to do whatever we wanted however he chose to cheat for months or longer? with a woman who has 2 small children. In the end I left and moved back home and he moved the woman and kids into our house. Struggling to get through each day at this point.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So when you say rough years what do you mean ?


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> So when you say rough years what do you mean ?





Mr.Married said:


> So when you say rough years what do you mean ?


We filed bankruptcy. Dealt with stress at our jobs. Son leaving home. Typical situations. We seemed to fight more and he stopped wanting to do stuff around the house. Began saying he hated our home and didn’t wanna live there. I assumed it was just all the stress.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

In the end he never told me truth and said he was only friends with her. I’d put an app on his phone because of his strange behavior. Guess I feel like the person I was married to all those years was someone I didn’t even know. That hurts a lot. After I moved I seen texts where he’d told her he loved her and obviously they’d been having sex for a while and I was just the idiot who didn’t know the truth. Of course he blamed me in the end saying he needed someone who’d listen to him. Just hurts now I guess.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well that is crappy no doubt. A lot of times people reevaluate life when things like empty nest or a family death happens. Life starts looking short and choices are made based on new priorities that sometimes can be difficult to understand and worse yet … very hurtful.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I hate to bring it up because it sounds so shallow but if your sex life sucked maybe he finally had enough and went looking….. not that that justifies cheating.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Well that is crappy no doubt. A lot of times people reevaluate life when things like empty nest or a family death happens. Life starts looking short and choices are made based on new priorities that sometimes can be difficult to understand and worse yet … very hurtful.


That does make sense. Hard being married that long to someone and watch them become unrecognizable in a few months. He already had a new life and I feel pretty much alone.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband was and is a giant sized ****head and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Unfortunately I do not believe in karma (at least not in the western definition and misinterpretation of what is primarily an Indian word) and so am also a vengeful person. I am not encouraging you to seek venegance but that is what I would have done. I would have sought to bring him down in the worst ways possible. Milder form for the woman and 2 kids (since she knew she was breaking up a family but could be seen as providing for her kids in the age old way). There appear to be ****heads on this forum who might try and justify his actions and in real life, they need a good ass kicking but for now they are safe behind the anonymity provided by this forum.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> Your husband was and is a giant sized ****head and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Unfortunately I do not believe in karma (at least not in the western definition and misinterpretation of what is primarily an Indian word) and so am also a vengeful person. I am not encouraging you to seek venegance but that is what I would have done. I would have sought to bring him down in the worst ways possible. Milder form for the woman and 2 kids (since she knew she was breaking up a family but could be seen as providing for her kids in the age old way). There appear to be ****heads on this forum who might try and justify his actions and in real life, they need a good ass kicking but for now they are safe behind the anonymity provided by this forum.


Trust me I had and still have lots of anger. I actually called her and asked why she was talking to my husband and she had the nerve to laugh. My husband then texted me he was not going to be home when I returned from work since I’d called her I assume. He was there when I returned and we did argue. He told me he needed his privacy and wanted to me alone now permanently. Never would say divorce or explain himself. He is a giant d bag. No emotions at all. Sat and stared as I packed my things. In the end I gave him what he wanted… me leaving.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Your husband was and is a giant sized ****head and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Unfortunately I do not believe in karma (at least not in the western definition and misinterpretation of what is primarily an Indian word) and so am also a vengeful person. I am not encouraging you to seek venegance but that is what I would have done. I would have sought to bring him down in the worst ways possible. Milder form for the woman and 2 kids (since she knew she was breaking up a family but could be seen as providing for her kids in the age old way). There appear to be ****heads on this forum who might try and justify his actions and in real life, they need a good ass kicking but for now they are safe behind the anonymity provided by this forum.


and what part exactly did I justify?


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> and what part exactly did I justify?


That he is a giant sized d***head!! 🙂


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

My parents drove 5 hrs to help me move my stuff and he had the nerve to come back and cry(for show) and say things hadn’t worked between us in a while and he NEVER cheated on me and he’d always love me! I think he did it just to make it more painful for me. Wasn’t like he was asking me to stay or hear his side… I just hope at some point I can forget and move on.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LGalloway said:


> That he is a giant sized d***head!! 🙂


well …. Him being a ****head is already really clear. No doubt about that. I’m trying to give you a reason. Just because it’s a terrible reason doesn’t mean people don’t do them. There is never a good reason for cheating but there are people who do decide to move on in life despite the destruction it causes others.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I hate to bring it up because it sounds so shallow but if your sex life sucked maybe he finally had enough and went looking….. not that that justifies cheating.


He was never a very sexual person. I begged for years to have more of a sex life.. He has always been on anxiety meds which kill the mood…


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LGalloway said:


> He was never a very sexual person. I begged for years to have more of a sex life.. He has always been on anxiety meds which kill the mood…


I feel for you on that one. That’s terrible 😢


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> well …. Him being a ****head is already really clear. No doubt about that. I’m trying to give you a reason. Just because it’s a terrible reason doesn’t mean people don’t do them. There is never a good reason for cheating but there are people who do decide to move on in life despite the destruction it causes others.


We’d both previously been cheated on and had promised we’d never do that to each other. I realize things just fall apart but I know one person can’t make a marriage work. I feel like he just wanted someone younger with a new family which is sad AF.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LGalloway said:


> We’d both previously been cheated on and had promised we’d never do that to each other. I realize things just fall apart but I know one person can’t make a marriage work. I feel like he just wanted someone younger with a new family which is sad AF.


It’s easy to be down on yourself and start to compare when you are the one left behind. As difficult as it is you can’t let yourself tie your own self worth to his actions. Those two things are not related. Value of self is what you create in your own mind … don’t let your mind run away with your worth in tow.

easy to say … tough to do


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Your husband was and is a giant sized ****head and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Unfortunately I do not believe in karma (at least not in the western definition and misinterpretation of what is primarily an Indian word) and so am also a vengeful person. I am not encouraging you to seek venegance but that is what I would have done. I would have sought to bring him down in the worst ways possible. Milder form for the woman and 2 kids (since she knew she was breaking up a family but could be seen as providing for her kids in the age old way). There appear to be ****heads on this forum who might try and justify his actions and in real life, they need a good ass kicking but for now they are safe behind the anonymity provided by this forum.


You could always change your name to Man From Angry Land.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s easy to be down on yourself and start to compare when you are the one left behind. As difficult as it is you can’t let yourself tie your own self worth to his actions. Those two things are not related. Value of self is what you create in your own mind … don’t let your mind run away with your worth in tow.
> 
> easy to say … tough to do


I’m trying but it’s not even been a week yet. Hopefully I’ll get there. Just filed papers yesterday. I keep seeing **** on FB about them and it’s slowly driving me insane. Appreciate the advice.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LGalloway said:


> I’m trying but it’s not even been a week yet. Hopefully I’ll get there. Just filed papers yesterday. I keep seeing **** on FB about them and it’s slowly driving me insane. Appreciate the advice.


A week!!! Yikes.. you are holding up pretty good then. That’s really recent… fresh and deep.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LGalloway said:


> I’m trying but it’s not even been a week yet. Hopefully I’ll get there. Just filed papers yesterday. I keep seeing **** on FB about them and it’s slowly driving me insane. Appreciate the advice.


Try to avoid any contact with him/her, even FB. Every time you contact, it brings it all back up. Not like it ever leaves, but you know what I mean.

Try to spend time with friends, get your mind off Mr. D***head.
Let her have him, they are both trash.

You are better than that and deserve better than that. Hold your head high. You are worth it.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Try to avoid any contact with him/her, even FB. Every time you contact, it brings it all back up. Not like it ever leaves, but you know what I mean.
> 
> Try to spend time with friends, get your mind off Mr. D***head.
> Let her have him, they are both trash.
> ...


Thanks that means a lot. Now if I could just figure out how to sleep again that would be nice. Sometimes it’s hard to shut your brain off. It doesn’t seem real yet. I miss him and I hate that. All the emotional and physical pain i feel is horrible. One minute I hate him and the next I miss him. It’s hard walking away from 18 years and the only person you’ve ever really loved. It’s worse when they don’t want you any more.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LGalloway said:


> Thanks that means a lot. Now if I could just figure out how to sleep again that would be nice. Sometimes it’s hard to shut your brain off. It doesn’t seem real yet. I miss him and I hate that. All the emotional and physical pain i feel is horrible. One minute I hate him and the next I miss him. It’s hard walking away from 18 years and the only person you’ve ever really loved. It’s worse when they don’t want you any more.


Sleep will be hard, you could take some gentle meds like melatonin to help.
The mind games are really really hard to overcome, so try to stay active on other stuff as much as you can.

Also don't be hard on yourself when you slip backwards emotionally.
Make no mistake about it, this is grief. And grief has a process.
Take things at your own speed and don't be hard on yourself.
It will get better over time. But unfortunately, there's no shortcuts.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that there are men in this world that would love you for who you are, and want you, and would treat you like you deserve.
Remember that when those hurtful thoughts come into your head.
When the time comes, you will find a better life.
Until then... one foot in front of the other.

Be kind to yourself.
Take long baths
Force yourself to eat on a schedule you can handle
Rest and take care of you. Nothing else matters for a little while.

Can you connect with your son? Is he around locally?
Can you visit girlfriends?

I wish you the best on this terrible journey.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sleep will be hard, you could take some gentle meds like melatonin to help.
> The mind games are really really hard to overcome, so try to stay active on other stuff as much as you can.
> 
> Also don't be hard on yourself when you slip backwards emotionally.
> ...


Unfortunately my son lives in the same town as my husband and that’s 5 hrs away. He’s trying to stay out of it but deep down I wish he would take my side this time. Since I moved away there’s no one to visit. My parents are trying their best and it’s appreciated but I feel like a burden to them. Life really sucks sometimes.! Thank you for the kind words. Sounds like you know exactly what I’m going through.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LGalloway said:


> Unfortunately my son lives in the same town as my husband and that’s 5 hrs away. He’s trying to stay out of it but deep down I wish he would take my side this time. Since I moved away there’s no one to visit. My parents are trying their best and it’s appreciated but I feel like a burden to them. Life really sucks sometimes.! Thank you for the kind words. Sounds like you know exactly what I’m going through.


Unfortunately, many people on TAM know exactly what you’re going through. 
Myself included.

At the very least stay engaged here on TAM while you’re healing and re-engaging in a new life. These folks are really sharp and there is much wisdom here.

Take care of you!


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> and what part exactly did I justify?


Really? "if your sex life sucked maybe he finally had enough and went looking…." Lets hope your sex life never sucks or you never get ill etc else, you know, your wife will have enough and go looking and that would be the explanation even if "it doesn't justify cheating".


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> You could always change your name to Man From Angry Land.


No I already have another name - ****head spotter!


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

I was thinking for better or worse but obviously he wasn’t feeling that after 18 years.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@LGalloway,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough. As other said, a lot of us here have been through this.

The most important thing you do right now is to take care of yourself.

You say that you moved 5 hours away. Did you have a job? Do you have one now?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You need a diversion. Try something new that you always wondered about like taking an art class or pottery. When time is standing still your mind will always be occupied with your problems.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Really? "if your sex life sucked maybe he finally had enough and went looking…." Lets hope your sex life never sucks or you never get ill etc else, you know, your wife will have enough and go looking and that would be the explanation even if "it doesn't justify cheating".


It’s not my duty to keep you untriggered in regards to your personal life events. Lashing out at people won’t change the past.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s not my duty to keep you untriggered in regards to your personal life events. Lashing out at people won’t change the past.


It is also not your duty to say dumbass stuff but it doesn't stop you does it? And again I guess forums allow your cowardly behaviour behind the safety of forum anonymity. A good smack in the mouth can cure this although I do not recommend it. Totsiens, in any case the Moroccan "loverboys" rampant in your neck of the woods must have taught you something by now.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LGalloway said:


> Thanks that means a lot. Now if I could just figure out how to sleep again that would be nice. Sometimes it’s hard to shut your brain off. It doesn’t seem real yet. I miss him and I hate that. All the emotional and physical pain i feel is horrible. One minute I hate him and the next I miss him. It’s hard walking away from 18 years and the only person you’ve ever really loved. It’s worse when they don’t want you any more.


This is very common. People going through similar events say it all the time. It’s as if your past love and present hate come crashing together. In the end the common theme is …. It just takes a lot of time.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> It is also not your duty to say dumbass stuff but it doesn't stop you does it? And again I guess forums allow your cowardly behaviour behind the safety of forum anonymity. A good smack in the mouth can cure this although I do not recommend it. Totsiens, in any case the Moroccan "loverboys" rampant in your neck of the woods must have taught you something by now.


Now, boys, behave. It's Saturday. Saturday's not right for fighting. First pint on me.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @LGalloway,
> 
> I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough. As other said, a lot of us here have been through this.
> 
> ...


I did have a job I really liked and it sucked having to leave it. In the interview process for a new job now.


----------



## LGalloway (10 mo ago)

So I’m having a rough day. Found out my ex had a second cell phone for who knows how long. His “boss” that always called him and texted was the other woman..Geez at this point I just don’t want to know anything else. I did get all the divorce papers in order and just have to get them notarized. I want to be able to stop thinking about him and wondering how long and why did it happen. Yesterday I felt motivated and didn’t give him much thought.. wish every day could be that way.


----------



## Gigi_giselle (9 mo ago)

LGalloway said:


> We’d both previously been cheated on and had promised we’d never do that to each other. I realize things just fall apart but I know one person can’t make a marriage work. I feel like he just wanted someone younger with a new family which is sad AF.


sounds familiar to me. Funny how we women keep to our word and try everything for our marriage even though it’s a **** show, while men can just go their merry way without so much as a look back.

I felt something at church a couple of weeks ago when I asked why I’m suffering so much and my soon to be ex wasn’t even concerned for a 10 year marriage, and somewhere I heard/felt “how do you know?? How do you know his suffering won’t start when your tears are dry?” And believe me I have been VERY distant from religion for the longest time. This changed everything.You have to go through what you have to go through but his moment of anguish will come when you least expect it


----------

