# Husband not confessing, hard to trust again :(



## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Hello everyone,

Here is my story.
I received (by mistake) a text message from my husband saying "We will meet as promised...'' and 30 seconds after a message saying " I love u". This one was for me as he called me by my name. There was no reason to send the first message to me. He denied having sent any 1st message and is still denying. I had to ask him directly if he was cheating on me, his face turned RED then WHITE and he tried to accuse me of being crazy and not self confident but he confessed during the discussion that he is not feeling passion anymore with me (after 2 or 3 months mariage). 
I checked his email and only find that he keeps in touch with his ex living far away from our country (not telling her the truth about our recent marriage and my pregnancy).
He is definitely not honest to me, not honest to his ex and he has maybe an affair (that text message). By the way, when I checked his cell phone, he has deleted every sent message that day!!!!!!!!!!!! the reason being that he had too many messages!

Now, I feel sad, hurt and don't know what to do. I am 2 months away from delivering our baby and I am depressed demotivated and crying all the time. He still denies and everytime I bring the topic, he starts accusing me of being negative and sick and not confident...At the same time, I know he is guilty because he behaves like someone who wants to make up for his mistakes (offers to go out, do small trips, very caring...) but I just don't feel into it, I can not cope with all these doubts and him lying to me and just get over it!!! How can you realistically expect your wife to just wipe all her doubts and start over again???
Please help. 
We are 37 and 40 and we are married since 6 months ( I got pregnant 1 month before marriage).

Diane.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

That is alot to go through especially when pregnant. If he is doing anything he may be holding off telling you bc he never intends to, bc he really isnt doing anything or he doesnt want to upset you during your pregnancy (thinking that denying it will make it go away). 

Let it go for now, your unborn baby doesnt deserve the stress caused by this. Be the adult and make a difficult choice for the benefit of the baby, even if you dont agree with it right now, its what you need to do. Breathe, eat right and rest are what you need to focus on. Ask for foot rubs or massages and just rise above this mess for now. Please, this can be dealt with anytime, your baby needs a healthy start now. Even venting about it will cause focus on it when you need to put it out of your mind, again, for now. Best of luck.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Thanks toolate. I know I should be focusing on my health and my baby but I find myself crying every morning and thinking about it. I wake up and needless to say, we sleep in different rooms since months now...What a happy marriage start!!!
I told him once my pain is not going away, instead of confessing and reassuring, he becomes even more isolated and closed.
I feel I have to be nice and forget for him to open up or at least come to me and try to get closer. It is a lot because 1st you have to deal with that and then you have to be nice as if nothing happened!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think your husband might be trying to hide something as well, when they bring the blame back on you it's call gas lining you(something like that, I forget)
I hope that he has stopped facebooking his X, that should be something he isn't doing if you don't want him to continue that relationship, you should have access to all his accounts, I would go as far as to install at key logger on the comp......
He shouldn't have any relationships with OW at all......not acceptable.......
You shouldn't have to just be nice for him to open up, tell him if he is not the marriage/relationship will never work out.....
If you do not get to a point where you feel comfortable and can trust him to protect your emotions how can this work.......
I suggest you two go to some therapy sessions to learn how to communicate your feelings in a successful way.......
good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have access to the phone bill? You can see the number he is texting to all the time.

I would also install a keylogger on his computer. 

You could put a voice-activated recorder under his car seat, to see if he talks to this person.

Were you guys planning to marry?


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> No I do not have access to any cell phone bill as he is using prepaid cards...I have installed a keylogger but stopped after the trial period plus it started to poison me (reading his emails with his ex) and I didn't want to become obsessed about watching him. Plus apparently, the communication with that ex was limited. They are sort of friends even though I hate that he is keeping old passionate emails...
> 
> The voice-activated recorder under his car seat is a good idea.
> 
> Yes we were planning to marry but it took 6 months longer than expected because of a medical condition (I have to take a medication for life, chronic condition) and that made him hesitate first because of potential risks for babies (that is very important for him) but then I got pregnant and we married after doctor reassured us. I have those questions turning around all the time in my mind...It hurts to still have doubts about the reasons why we married


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

jessi said:


> Hi Jessi,
> Yes he deleted his facebook account even though I didn't ask him to. He said he wants to avoid any issues with me...
> 
> You are right, I need to feel comfortable and I am still not. I lost trust and even though I miss him, I feel he is hiding things or at least, I am not able to trust again.
> ...


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi Diane
I really felt for you when reading your thread I was 7 mnths pregnant when I discovered my Husband was having an emotional affair with one of my closest friends. He insisted that there was no sex just a very strong emotional bond that had crossed the line and I never found proof to suggest otherwise but it still shattered our marriage.
I had suspected for a long time that something was going on and I got exactly the same response, I was crazy hormonal and neurotic.
He finally fessed up when I was able to get a copy of his phone records, I forgave him but found out a year and a half later that the affair was still going on, this time he did end it. Believe it or not I forgave him again and it has now been 5 years since it all started. It has been a long hard road and there are somethings I wish I did differently.
Here is my advice,firstly at this point you may have it all wrong there may be an explanation for the whole thing so do make sure you are not letting your imagination run wild. Yes it does look dodgy but unless you can find cold hard proof that he is doing something he wont confess not under pressure anyway.Nagging him and getting emotional will only make it worse, he will use that as an excuse to get closer with this woman if thats what he is doing. I know that its easy for me to say but right now you really need to stay calm. Go on with your own life take care of yourself and baby. I know you must be feeling scared and alone so try and look for some support from friends, family or online. You mentioned that your husband was trying to be nice like he is trying to make for something. Focus on all the nice things he is doing and try to use that as a positive way to bond with him. If hes doing this it sounds like he wants you to be happy on some level and doesnt want to leave, if he did he would be out the door.
Give him lots of reasons why he would want to stay, a loving wife a baby on the way. I know that sounds mad because if he is cheating you are the one who is a victim and he should be thinking of you, but if he is doing something wrong he is the one who is crazy and sick, and you will have to be patient for him to work through this because as crap as it sounds if he is cheating or thinking about it there is very little you can do to stop it but there is alot of things you can do to make it worse.
If you do get cold hard proof or he confesses then things will change and you will have some hard decisions to make. 
Here are some of the reasons my husband cheated, may give you some insight
1. After falling pregnant he was no longer attracted to me, he didnt stop to think that would change again once I had given birth
2. He didnt feel he could talk to me
3. The thought of becoming a father really freaked him out, he felt trapped and scared
4. He felt that all my attentions had turned to the pregnancy
5. He was a selfish **** who was trying to live it up before the baby came, his words !
I truly wish you all the best and I hope my comments dont make it sound like I am trying to put it all on you, but remember you cant control what another person does, you cant make them do or not do something, you can only control your reactions.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Almostthere said:


> Thanks so much for your answer.
> It is good to know that another pregnant woman went through a similar experience and was able to repair everything.
> 
> You are right there are many ways to make it worse. I have been trying to be positive and improve our relationship but it is hard sometimes...He has been very insulting lately when I brought the topic about us and the fact that we don't seem to share anything anymore. He likes his renovation work, gardening, playing with his tools so everytime there is a problem, he gets into some activity even after a full day of work and on weekends as well and that was something that caused a big issue from the start. he says that he does extra work because of me and that I am cold, negative, selfish, that I don't understand, and ended up saying that he doesn't give a **** about me anymore, that he feels no passion!!! well at 8 pm we have dinner and after he spends time on his laptop until he falls asleep, that is every night scenario and he expects me with all the doubts, the time we never spend together to be positive and nice and loving!!! I feel we are in a vicious circle. He said many other bad insults and I feel like terminating this relationship..That is a LOT to handle, I asked him many times not to insult me and explained that the objective is not to have expectations only, we have different needs and have to adjust to each other with respect. He does not get it. I don't want my son to treat me the way he does!!! When he is upset, he is out of control and I see him very well insulting me in front of our child!
> ...


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

This sounds so similar to what I went through and there are some days that it still eats me up. Getting away may be just what you need. Sometimes a bit of space will do great things for all concerned. What is so crap is that you and he should be thinking of you! But whoever said life would be fair right. Hang in there, focus on you and the kids and give him space to come to his senses.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Almostthere said:


> Thank you Almostthere. I will try to follow your advice and see how it goes. I need that. I feel we are stuck in a bad pattern right now and we don't see many things. Do you think I should tell him first or just go and let him know after the fact that I am visiting a friend for a couple days? He won't like it because he does not like me to travel alone while pregnant and my friend lives over 2 hours away from home plus it started snowing right now. Thank you.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

If it was me I would tell him before hand , I wouldnt want to cause any extra stress on the situation by just bailing. Try explainig you just need some time out for yourself or something non threatening.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Almostthere said:


> You are right. Better if I tell him first. Thanks so much for your help.
> 
> Diane.


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