# My husband cheated and fell in love with another woman



## AnnaSa (Nov 7, 2017)

I found out that my husband of almost 10 years cheated on me. He only had known her for a couple of weeks and when I found out, instead of being remorseful he told me he loves her and was willing to walk out on me and our 3 kids.

After I told him I wanted a divorce he agreed to break it off with her and work on our marriage.. .that lasted 3 weeks and I later discovered that he went back to her....but still wanted to remain married....he maintained that he loves us both!! I have given him more than one chance but he can't seem to let this woman go?

Anyway I have kicked him out and he has now gone back to her...but still wants to come back home!! I don't understand...he still says he loves me but I don't entertain him at all. My family and friends all tell me that it won't last between them and that I will find someone better but I don't feel so hopeful. I guess inside I want him to suffer and regret what he has done.

I'm scared that I will end up alone while he builds a life with this other woman and is happy.

Anyone been in this situation and how did it work out for you and your husband that cheated???


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Yes most of us have been in your situation.

Do not play the "pick me" game with this other woman.

She can have his cheating butt.

I know the pain is immense but you will recover.

Everyone does.

Do not let him come home. 

Employ the 180.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AnnaSa said:


> I found out that my husband of almost 10 years cheated on me. He only had known her for a couple of weeks and when I found out, instead of being remorseful he told me he loves her and was willing to walk out on me and our 3 kids.


NEVER take back a REMORSELESS cheater. They are guaranteed repeat offenders.



AnnaSa said:


> After I told him I wanted a divorce he agreed to break it off with her and work on our marriage.. .that lasted 3 weeks and I later discovered that he went back to her....but still wanted to remain married....he maintained that he loves us both!! I have given him more than one chance but he can't seem to let this woman go?
> 
> Anyway I have kicked him out and he has now gone back to her...but still wants to come back home!! I don't understand...he still says he loves me but I don't entertain him at all.


Don't be a FOOL. He's just keeping you on the hook until he is sure it will work out with her. HE'S USING YOU AS PLAN B.



AnnaSa said:


> My family and friends all tell me that it won't last between them and that I will find someone better but I don't feel so hopeful. I guess inside I want him to suffer and regret what he has done.
> 
> I'm scared that I will end up alone while he builds a life with this other woman and is happy.


He WILL regret it eventually. Unfortunately, it may take months or even years. You can speed up the process by REPLACING HIM.



AnnaSa said:


> Anyone been in this situation and how did it work out for you and your husband that cheated???


I had a zero tolerance policy on physical cheating so I quickly dumped her and never looked back. Couldn't be happier.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

This sounds a lot like my wife. It is completely ridiculous. I don't know how these people think. The world just doesn't work that way.

If you truly cannot accept sharing your husband, which I assume is the case, then you need to find a lawyer and file for divorce. Also, feel free to find yourself a boyfriend, too.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry but your only answer is to divorce. Get a good lawyer and the best settlement you can.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

AnnaSa said:


> I'm scared that I will end up alone while he builds a life with this other woman and is happy.


It is scary being out there alone, but once you heal and get though the ending of your marriage, you might find you enjoy not having someone around all the time. As much as I hated my divorce, I felt so free and happy after she left me. I could do what I want, when I wanted, and however I wanted. 

And then you can also spend time, if you like, looking for someone else.

Just because he left you for her, doesn't mean that he will be happy. There is a reason she was willing to screw a married man, because no one else wanted to deal with her crap.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AnnaSa said:


> I'm scared that I will end up alone while he builds a life with this other woman and is happy.
> 
> Anyone been in this situation and how did it work out for you and your husband that cheated???


Unfortunately, yes, there are many of us who have some idea of the misery that you are going through. Sometimes, especially when trying to sleep, the pain is just relentless and unbearable. Time passes slowly, but it does pass and eventually you begin to recover. If you stick around here, you'll find some support to help you survive this period.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Yes most of us have been in your situation.
> 
> Do not play the "pick me" game with this other woman.
> 
> ...


THIS. He isn't worth trying to hang onto, because he WILL do this again. He is trying to keep you around as his backup plan... don't let him. No woman should ever have to share her husband, or be his second choice. He made his choice... let him go, and don't allow him to come back. You will be sorry if you keep him around.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bravo for telling him you want a divorce. Result-- he stopped momentarily.
Bravo for kicking him out. That also will make him think about what he's doing, but what he's doing is having monkey sex with her, so it's not all bad. 

NOW: Filing for divorce and making him have to divide his assets and pay for his 3 KIDS--- yeah, that's going to hit him hard. It's going to break into his "courting" money. His AP is not going to like dealing with the responsibility of all his bad quaiities, which will QUICKLY start to show and she will want out. He's just the fantasy **** me man right now. 

IF YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE, he will almost undoubtedly come crawling back within 1.5 yrs. Probably 1.5 months. I would advise you as others, not to take h im back. He's a cheater. PERIOD. And it will not be the last time. He will even more easily fall for the first attractive lady that gives him the time of day next time. Because to some people, cheating is crazy fun!

It hurts. Nobody buy us betrayed spouses know how much. BUT. You will get through it, and get through it you must. Don't let him back, doing so will hurt you more in the future.

So sorry this happened to you. Very, very sorry. Your husband is not worthy of you. Ax him.


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## Loyalty (Nov 7, 2017)

My perspective is a little different than those that have responded. This isn’t something that you just decide right now, unless he has done this before, or is addicted to sex. It takes a lot of thought, and digging deep within yourself to make this decision. And having gone through this just this year myself, I have taken it upon myself to read a couple of self-help books – one I highly recommend is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass. Educating yourself about the how and whys of affairs, and what and what not to do will help you make a better decision for yourself and your children. 

First thing I read is you must not make the decision to leave or stay with your husband within the first 3 months of finding out. You just found out, and this is devastating news. You are in shock, and you are experiencing a lot of different feelings. You cannot make a permanent decision about your marriage based off temporary feelings. Next, separate from him. Separation lets him know that you mean business and that you need your space to think about what you want. 

Being that you have been married for 10 years, you have three children, and this is a fairly new relationship for your husband with his affair partner – my guess is his feelings aren’t necessarily love, but lust or infatuation. He is in the limerence phase – which is a highly addictive phase. I read in an article somewhere that if you put a brain that is in the limerence phase under a microscope and compare it against one that is on drugs, you can’t tell them apart. Not saying to spare him, but he is going to go through a few cycles of ambivalence. He won’t know what he wants because he is comparing this “fairytale” affair against one of reality and longevity. It isn’t fair to compare the two, but he is. One consists of history, children and responsibility, and the other is just fun with no responsibilities. 

From what I have read, the odds are against him statistic wise. It’s a fact that something like 5% of cheating spouses will actually follow through and leave their spouses for their affair partner, and out of that 5%, 3% will follow through with marrying them, and out of that 3% of marriages, 75% of those will end up divorcing. So, take comfort in knowing that the odds are stacked very high against them ever making it as a couple.

I personally decided to try to work it out because I have children too, and the whole family life style, plus my husband has never done this before and I figure everyone deserves a second chance. But making the decision to try has its challenges. I have read that if your husband is remorseful, and the two of you decide to work it out, you can and will have a better and stronger marriage. Maybe I am an optimist, but that is what I am holding onto. Your husband has betrayed you, and completely destroyed your trust, but you can bounce back stronger and better as a couple once he is out of that affair. As of right now, you do have to play hard ball and separate and let him see you move forward. Good Luck and please let us know how it works out for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@AnnaSa

How long have you known that your husband is cheating?

I agree that you need to be interacting with him according to the 180. There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below.

For a person who wants to consider reconciliation there are two phases to go through. The first is on Plan A... you have already done Plan A. That's where you let them know that you want to reconcile and give them a chance to end the affair and work on the marriage. Generally, for women, plan A lasts no more than 2 weeks. You went longer than 2 weeks.

You are now done with Plan A because your husband refuses to give up the affair. Never, ever, live with a person who is in an active affair. So you did the right thing and threw him out.

You now need to be in Plan B. That's, that's basically the 180. Stick to the 180.

I think that at this point you need to file for divorce. He's living with another woman. That's reason enough to file for divorce.

What is your financial situation? do you have a job. What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

to continue. The problem is that you have no legal authority to kick him out. Unless you file for divorce and establish that he has moved out, he can move back in at any time.


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## AnnaSa (Nov 7, 2017)

Thanks for your response. I found out he was cheating 2 weeks into his affair. The affair continued for around 3 months after I found out and after he reassured me he was no longer with her. When I found out the second time i threw him out the same day. 

I am in a stronger financial position than him..
I was the main breadwinner in the family for the last 2 years whilst he was a full time house husband. He is now.living with his parents.

Legally the house is on his name but all the money invested has been mine....he has agreed to sign the house over and take his share.

I have kept my head held high these past few months and don't let him see me weak. I know i dont want him back but at the same time it hurts to see him actually build a life with this other woman so quickly...if just makes me think that our marriage didn't mean anything to him.

The whole situation seems overwhelming...it's almost like I can't get my head around him actually falling in love with another woman so quickly?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnnaSa said:


> Thanks for your response. I found out he was cheating 2 weeks into his affair. The affair continued for around 3 months after I found out and after he reassured me he was no longer with her. When I found out the second time i threw him out the same day.
> 
> I am in a stronger financial position than him..
> I was the main breadwinner in the family for the last 2 years whilst he was a full time house husband. He is now.living with his parents.
> ...


Only about 3% of affairs turn into long term relationships. So there really is not all that much of a chance that his affair is going to turn into anything permanent. 

Him falling in love with another woman so quickly is very easy to explain. IT's all about having his emotional needs filled. You filled some of his needs. She filled some. What a deal he had going.

But now she's on her own to fill all of his needs... you know that ones that you used to fill. She's not going to be able to do it.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley to understand that's going on in his head. And when you read it, remember that you already have done Plan A.

Then after that get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" to learn how to make sure this never happens again to you in your future relationships.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Never be anybody’s plan b.
Your H is keeping you around just in case things go south with the other woman.
If you are considering reconciliation.....he must first show he is remorseful and give you all the time you need to heal from this.
He must also go NC with the other woman and allow transparency on all his electronic accounts.

MC may help but both of you must want to save the marriage 100%
In the meantime take care of you...eat healthy, workout and do things for yourself...lunch with a friend, a walk in nature...anything you like to do. Spend time with your kids....explain what is happening to them in age appropriate terms....they’ll know something is amiss anyway

Sit down and discuss with him where things went wrong.....not that anything you talk about is an excuse for cheating....you might just reveal the catalyst to his immoral decision.....and use this to work towards building a better future.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@AnnaSa,

You have kept yourself in limbo with this man. You have been dancing the pick me dance. You have not protected yourself and your heart, but rather left it on the street to get stomped on over and over again. 

I'm not sure why you feel you deserve this treatment from another human being, but I am sorry to say that he does not love you, at all. A man who loves you would not behave this way.

I think you should serve him divorce papers asap. Not because you hope it will bring him back to you, but because you need him out of your life for your own wellbeing. 

*You love a man who mistreats you.*

Think about that. Really think. 

Why is he even worthy of another calorie of your energy?

I truly hope you will be able to learn the strength and self-love necessary to be done with him, and mean it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She's not going to be able to do it.


Not only "not able"......

If there's one thing I learned about cheaters, it's that for the most part, they so richly deserve each other. They are both "milking the cow through the fence". 

They are in the affair for their own very selfish reasons. When the demands of being a real life-partner start to fall on them, they run like hell.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

Do Not Worry Dear You Will Never Be Alone.

There Are Alot Of Good Men Out There Just want to find the right faithful woman.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

A predict that you will be much happier in the long run.

Tough road now but you sound like a survivor. 


Good luck. God speed


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

It would have been more honorable on his part if he would have ended his marriage with you first before starting another relationship. He wouldn't have stepped out of the marriage if he was happy in his marriage. Respectful men don't cheat, they will end one relationship first before starting another.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

AnnaSa said:


> I'm scared that I will end up alone while he builds a life with this other woman and is happy


Yeah, this. Don’t do this. Don’t let this be any driving factor in your life. Don’t worry about him and his happiness. Yeah, it can be a bitter pill to swallow if he comes out “better” than if he was with you. But that should have no bearing on what you do, what you should expect from your life and where you are headed. Remember, regardless of his outcome, you will always be better off because you aren’t morally bankrupt like that POS is. Maybe that won’t get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds, but it can help with sleeping at night.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Loveless17 said:


> It would have been more honorable on his part if he would have ended his marriage with you first before starting another relationship. *He wouldn't have stepped out of the marriage if he was happy in his marriage.* Respectful men don't cheat, they will end one relationship first before starting another.


Uhm, no, wrong, wrong, wrong. Some men in happy marriages cheat because they can. They want their happy homemaker wife with happy children at home and their mistresses/gfs on side. They are called Cake Eaters. Telling the OP that "he wouldn't have stepped out of the marriage if he was happy in his marriage" is tantamount to blaming her for his affair. Bull****! He cheated because he felt like it.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants the security of you and the excitement of the new relationship. 

Don't live in fear that he will build a life with her - that relationship will fail. Let her have him for now. He is lying to her as much or more than he is lying to you.

Stop allowing him back in the house. If he wants you back - truly wants you back and is willing to forsake all others as your vows said - then he is going to have to prove it to you. He has to earn your trust back and that will take time. Until he accomplishes that, he does not spend time in the house with you and the children as a family would, no sex, no depending on him or his family for things...basically what the 180 poster said.

Good luck.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

After my divorce from a cheating spouse.
I started writing history of my life before my wife.
I found this.

In my childhood i really liked cartoons (superman spiderman scooby doo) but at that time i missed all of them because we did not have tv at that time.
And there was no internet.

So now when i am busy with work and other sh*t

Now after being alone I started watching cartoons
On internet.
And there were also some of my best memories were connected with them.

And then i realized that i was happy before her arrival in my life

I was breathing before her.

I was enjoying my life before her.

I was alive before her.

Infact she is the one who sucked happiness from my life.

So these were the things which really helped me.


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