# Over a year since I found out about my HA's. I need advice, please!



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband an I got together when we were both quite young, I was 23 and he was 19. I had just had a baby, from a previous relationship.*
In 2001 we had 3 babies, 1 in January and twins in December, he was 21 and I was 25. Life for us with 4 small children was very hard but we were great parents and had a lot of support which made life easier but still, I'm not going to say it was a piece of cake, it was a lot of responsibility and it was very very busy!
So, when our youngest kids were 9, we found out we were pregnant again. We wanted to have another baby cause our kids were older and so were we, and thinking things wouldn't be so hectic and rush rush rush and we could enjoy it more. Basically we were over the moon about it.*
When I was half way we found out that we were having twins again, he was very excited but I felt a little scared thinking it was going to be rush rush rush again and worried how my body would handle the pregnancy as it was very hard nearly 10 years ago, but I thought everything would be fine with my husbands love and support, well things didn't happen like that or I wouldn't be writing this post...
When I was 23 weeks pregnant my husband and I had an argument. He was at a friends house, he was having a few beers but he said not a lot. He texted me at around 6:30pm*saying they were having dinner and he would be home soon. At 10pm I started to worry cause he wasn't answering my texts and calls and wasn't home. He eventually came home around 11:30pm- very very drunk. I was so upset with him but relieved to see him and said "What would of happened if you had of had an accident and killed yourself or someone, I was so worried etc..." I thought the best way to handle it was to sleep on it and talk to him in the morning about my concerns.*
So in the morning, well close to afternoon when he got up, I gave him some time to wake up before I started talking about how concerned and disappointed I was with him. He was argumentative and didn't want to hear anything I had to say, so I said if that's the way you feel, why are we even in a relationship? And if you are going to talk and treat me like this then you may as well not be here as this is not a good relationship and not what I want. Later that afternoon he just left. I was very hurt and shocked that he did.*
About 2 weeks later we had made up and we both wanted to go to counseling, but he didn't want to move back in. (little did I know that he was talking to an old high school girl and was starting an emotional affair with her)
Weeks went by and I thought our relationship was going reasonably well and we made arrangements for him to move back with us.*
On the weekend that he was suppose to move back, I was rushed to hospital cause one of the twins membranes had a tear and my waters had broke, I was only 27 weeks. So I was stuck in hospital and he moved back into the house to be there for the kids. I was let back home about 3 weeks later, and was only home for a few weeks and had to be admitted again due to other complications and I had to stay there till the twins were born.
During that time, he continued to have his emotional affair with the girl. I was feeling the strain on our relationship, but thought it was because of all the stresses of our pregnancy and him having to run the household with 4 kids on his own and working very long hours.
Our babies were born premie 34 weeks, but healthy, and were allowed to come home 12 days after their birth.
Weeks went by and things still didn't feel right between us, he was distant and just not himself. We had lots of talks about it, even broke up amicably one night but not before too long he would want to work things out again and tell me how much he loved me and needed me etc...
One night after we came back from a concert, I caught him on his phone, with a 'caught out' look expression. I thought he was gambling or looking at porn??? so later that night I looked through his phone.. This is where my whole life was turned upside down! I could only read a few texts to the girl, I was shaking, in disbelief and gutted... I turned off his phone, hid it and confronted him. He was laying in our bed and I asked him calmly if he loved me, if he wanted to be here, does he feel obligated to be here? etc... He laid there confused and was hugging and kissing me and reassuring me that he did. Then I asked if he had ever had an affair on me, he denied it but when my questions got too specific, his attitude changed and was demanding to know who I spoke to or/and if I had gone through his phone.
He spent the night looking for the phone outside- as I said I smashed it on the road and threw it into the bushes. He was trying to convince me that it was all nothing and all fantasy crap and meant nothing, that it just got out of control..
The next morning he packed a few things and went to his friends house again.
We didn't talk or see each other for only a week. He texted me to see if he could come over and see the kids? I remember his texts to me in the beginning (when we finally started talking again) and he wasn't remorseful, he told me that he was sorry for the timing but he had been falling out of love with me for years and said "there are only minutes of things I could write what I love about you but it would take weeks to write everything I hate about you." I was already hurting so bad and that comment took it to another level, still I'm haunted by what he said to me, although he can't remember texting it, but I still have the proof, come to think of it, he has selected memories about the whole time, I just don't get it?
It took nearly a month for me to read all the msg and sexting to and from her, there was nearly 2000 msg's. There are so many msg that I just can't get over, especially the day of our babies birth, only a couple of hours after the caesar he rang her and text her and wanted to send her photos of them (I hadn't even seen them properly or held them yet) and to reassure her that his feelings for her hadn't changed, another significant time was on my birthday he was late coming home and was texting and talking to her for a couple of hours saying he wanted to secretly meet up with her over the weekend and to tell each others spouses they were working, then he came home to me with a meaningful card and presents... but the worse msg of them all is when he texted her asking if she had ever done anything like this before and he needed to be 'honest' with her and to tell her that he*had a physical affair on me many years ago, a one night stand and told her that he wanted to be with her and hoped that they are not just an affair and he loved her more than he has ever loved anyone...
About 3 months later we started seeing each other again. We have been going to counseling and have worked on so many issues...*
It's been a difficult year, although he has been very supportive and remorseful, and says that he loves me more than ever before and never knew he could love someone as much as he does loves me,*I still can't bring myself to love him the way I did, he knows this and is willing to work on us no matter what. I do love him but he has caused so much hurt for me and broken so much trust, it's going to take a long long time for me to heal, and I feel like I was in love with a stranger for so long, I'm only just beginning to know the real him- well I hope this is who he really is now?
My question is, has anyone gone through this and worked so hard to move on, without forgiving, only to be hurt again and again? And how do you know if they are really sorry or only with you cause they can't be with the other person and you are second best?
How am I suppose to live with these haunting and destructive memories in our relationship???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's difficult to live with the obtrusive thoughts. My WW didn't do or react anywhere near as badly as your WH, but after 7 months I still get overwhelmed with negative thoughts.

The good moments seem to be increasing and the bad thoughts are not constant like they were at the beginning. So I have hope that it gets better. But I think I will have these painful thoughts for years to come.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Not going to go into the issue of what a POS your husband was since you are trying to R. He sounds that he is oblivious to you on what you may need to truly R. You may need to do the following:

1. Sit down with him and list out what your needs are for the R. Full disclosure, Passwords etc.
2. The types of behavior he needs to change so that he is more of a Husband/Father and not a roommate. ( IE walking away from 4 children and leaving them with a wife who had serious medical problems with the pregnancy while living with the AP really makes me wonder about his moral obligations scale)
3. Have you exposed the Affair to the OWH and to your families?
4. Your 9 year olds know something happened, How has this been explained to them and are they taking it well? What can he do to make it better? Have you worked that out?

This will not be easy. Because at a serious time in your life when you needed him he abandoned you. Emotionally, Physically etc. You will have a lot of resentment and this can poison the attempt to R.

Are you taking care of yourself, Physically and Emotionally? The MC may work on your marriage but what about IC for you?

Good Luck


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont want to go into my story on your thread but I will say that I was fooled more then once. In the last three years Im not sure what WH has done because I havent caught him and believe me I have looked hard for anything there might be to find. I have to say that at this moment I really dont know whats going on with him, but part of me thinks he is doing what he is supposed to be doing and the other part of me will never trust him.

Its a LONG road and its not a smoothly paved road either. You have to choose if its worth it to you to make it work. If he isnt doing the heavy lifting, being open and honest, telling you what you want to hear, etc then its not going to end well. 

Im sorry you are here!


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Not going to go into the issue of what a POS your husband was since you are trying to R. He sounds that he is oblivious to you on what you may need to truly R. You may need to do the following:
> 
> 1. Sit down with him and list out what your needs are for the R. Full disclosure, Passwords etc.
> 2. The types of behavior he needs to change so that he is more of a Husband/Father and not a roommate. ( IE walking away from 4 children and leaving them with a wife who had serious medical problems with the pregnancy while living with the AP really makes me wonder about his moral obligations scale)
> ...


Thank you for your advice, much appreciated. 
We have discussed successfully through MC some details I needed to know and things we need to do in order to R, but sometimes new questions pop into my head and I've tried talking to him about them but he always gets upset and/or defensive, he says that talking about it makes him feel sick and doesn't understand why I need to talk about it as we will never be able to make sense out of it as it was it was all bad and talking about it only makes me upset and does more damage to our relationship. He wants to focus on the good things we bring to our relationship, but that's easier said than done! Our MC suggested that we only discuss these types of issues in session, but because our MC has moved we were on a waiting list to see someone else and will be seeing a new MC within a month, it's been a while since we have done any counseling and I'm struggling...
I have been going to IC too but my H hasn't yet, but is planning on doing so in the new year too.
Our 4 oldest children have been seeing their own IC too, it's been hard on all of them, I've tried 'sugar coating' the situation cause I didn't want them to have such ill thoughts of their father, but our eldest daughter often tells me she still can't forgive him for what he did and wonders why I'm still with him (one night when I was home with our new twins, my daughter told me that my H sat them all down, while I was in hospital, and asked them what they would think if he was to leave me and be with another woman?) that effected her a lot and I didn't know what to say but just hug her and tell her counselor.
As for our other twins, who are 18 months, I worry that they are effected as I feel like physically and emotionally I'm not 100% there for them, as our whole family is still under a lot of stress.
Everyone knows about what happened, but the counselor suggested that we don't discus things with family or friends as they are too bias. I suppose that's why I'm anonymously writing this post, I haven't spoke or dealt with things for a while and it's all building up.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont want to go into my story on your thread but I will say that I was fooled more then once. In the last three years Im not sure what WH has done because I havent caught him and believe me I have looked hard for anything there might be to find. I have to say that at this moment I really dont know whats going on with him, but part of me thinks he is doing what he is supposed to be doing and the other part of me will never trust him.
> 
> Its a LONG road and its not a smoothly paved road either. You have to choose if its worth it to you to make it work. If he isnt doing the heavy lifting, being open and honest, telling you what you want to hear, etc then its not going to end well.
> 
> Im sorry you are here!


Yes I agree with you, I cant imagine healing fast and he knows that it is going to be a long road to recovery...
He is trying really hard to be a loving and supportive husband and wants to continue our MC and IC which is good, but I fear that he will eventually get board or sick of our relationship and stray again. I don't know why I feel like this, I just cant bring myself around to trusting that he will be in it forever. Another thing is because he is trying so hard I feel sort of obligated to make it work too, and TBH I do have thoughts of is this worth it, am I setting myself up for heartache again? 
Its just so hard, still when I think about what happened it feels so surreal and I'm still in shock. I had such love and respect for this fake person who I really didn't know and still don't really know who he is?

Good luck with your H, I haven't read any of your posts yet, so Im unsure what you have gone through.
Thank you for replying to me.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Acoa said:


> It's difficult to live with the obtrusive thoughts. My WW didn't do or react anywhere near as badly as your WH, but after 7 months I still get overwhelmed with negative thoughts.
> 
> The good moments seem to be increasing and the bad thoughts are not constant like they were at the beginning. So I have hope that it gets better. But I think I will have these painful thoughts for years to come.


It is very hard to live with the obtrusive thoughts, and still tying to R... I feel stupid thinking our relationship was strong and, ahhh, I wont go there...
Its very hard, especially when I have so many triggers because I eventually read all the msg/sextings from them.
I guess there's nothing more I can do but to continue to go to MC and IC. In time I may trust and love him better than what I do now, I just hope this extreme hurt and sadness I have diminishes, I don't think anyone knows how bad I'm still hurting.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing, I wish you all the best too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why did he end his affair and come back to you?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> ..... but sometimes new questions pop into my head and I've tried talking to him about them but he always gets upset and/or defensive, he says that talking about it makes him feel sick and doesn't understand why I need to talk about it .


He owes you any emotional support you desire(questions answered etc)

He is not putting himself in your shoes to say this "He doesn't understand why you need to talk about it"

He was "honest" with the OW and told her that he had an A on YOU many years ago. I bet that was a "kick in the gut" to discover in a text. What have you found out about that?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Why did he end his affair and come back to you?


He says its because it was all fantasy and meaningless, but I think it was just a game to her and he got far to caught up in it all. (They had never met, they only spoke on the phone and have video chat and sexting etc...)
She told him in several texts that she was never going to leave her partner and didn't want to take on the responsibility of 6 kids. 
When he moved out, he moved into his best friends house, who is male, he is a mutual friend and even he was shocked to discover what he had been up to.
That's something I struggle with everyday, why did he come back to me? You see when we got back together I didn't know everything, I assumed I had read all of the texts but I was wrong. Then though out the months I discovered new things and dealt with them in counselling? 
He said that there were a lot of misunderstandings that led him to stray and he is aware of them now. He also says he is with me because he loves me and he got it all wrong before and has learnt so much about me now and cant believe how stupid and blind he was etc... He loves my kind heart, my gentle ways, the way I love and raise our children, it hurts him that I cant love him the way I used to but he really wants to work on it and understands its going to take time for the love and trust to come back completely, well I hope it will.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

mel123 said:


> He owes you any emotional support you desire(questions answered etc)
> 
> He is not putting himself in your shoes to say this "He doesn't understand why you need to talk about it"
> 
> He was "honest" with the OW and told her that he had an A on YOU many years ago. I bet that was a "kick in the gut" to discover in a text. What have you found out about that?


Too true, he does owe me the truth about that, but he wont give it all. That affair was about 6 years ago, one night we had a fight (him drunk again) and he went to cool down at his best friends again. He went out the next night and picked up an older girl from a sleazy nightclub and had *** with her in her car and never exchanged numbers and never saw her again. He assures me he used protection... and blames it on being very drunk and thinking we had broken up!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

He does not want to talk about it because it puts him in a bad light and he has to admit to others and himself that he was a POS. 

Until he is able to do that with you he is not going to be fully supportive of you in the R. 

I believe this is something similar to what people who are addicts or alcoholics need to do for recovery. They have to admit they did you wrong, and assist you in helping you heal. He just want you to rug sweep and say it is over and we will move on. This does not lead to a good R, just read the threads.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think a huge issue for you is the disconnect on all levels.

First, he was able to develop this relationship and take it as far as he did, all while married to you and the father of many children. Second, he thought and said awful things to you, especially about the things he hates about you, etc. Third, you've seen how he opened his heart to her in thousands of messages. And now, suddenly, it was all a mistake. He declares love for you and that's a mistake. He declares love for her and that's a mistake. He loves you. He hates you. Now he loves you again. One big disconnect.

So how could you possibly rely on anything he is saying? No rational person could do it.

So go easy on yourself. Your feelings are natural. It's simple. You don't trust him, not just to be faithful to you, and not just to tell you the truth, but especially to even stick with any reality that he seems to be feeling at the time.

You're the steady, reliable one. With six kids, the family needs at least one of you to be that way. 

Maybe it will work out, but maybe it won't. It may not feel like it now, but it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't. Your children will take all your time & will be the greatest reward in the end.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Rrrbbbttt & Alte Dame; Thanks for your advice, you both are 100% right! 
If we don't last, it wont be the end of the world, my world is our children and me being their rational, loving and supportive parent. They need me more than I need a partner...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You know, after what he's done, he's the outsider looking into a big family. You say you are warm and gentle & I'm sure those are the characteristics you bring to raising your children, which means they are blessed.

I hope you can find some emotional peace of mind just by understanding that you are the one with real character, you are the one who has always had her eyes on the prize.

I think your H will have to work very hard and very long to right the mess he made. You may never forgive him. You may decide that you can't live with him. But again, if that happens, you walk away with everything that is important & he has to reap what he has sown.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

I forgot to mention; I wanted to send copies the OWH but I didn't know their address in the beginning, but about 7 months later a friend of mine that went to school with the girl found out where they live and gave it to me. My counselor, friends and H all thought it would be a bad idea to send copies of the messages to her fiancé, they all had different concerns about the repocusions that it might have on my family. For instance, if her fiancé were to seek out revenge on my H, who knows what extremes he/they would go to and if our kids would be in danger? I think it's best if I just leave things alone, I know a lot of people know about the affair and maybe he might find out threw someone else?? I do believe if he read the 'hardcore' texts and saw the pics that she sent he would turn red and would want revenge on someone...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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