# Husband ignores concerns, discounts feelings



## megstl

I'm at a loss here, and need an opinion. Over the years, my husband will decide to take on home projects, and that's great, but sometimes it involves either lifting something very heavy or moving a heavy piece of furniture, which as I've gotten older, I've asked him to ask his brother or male cousin to help him because I simply can't handle doing it anymore, or the items or just too heavy for me. Time and time again he's completely ignored this or badgered me into helping and I've given in, fearing the whole time that I'll either drop something or it will slide out of my hands and hurt me or him. I'm not comfortable with doing this kind of thing anymore, I'm 58 and have enough back issues and arthritis that it just feels too risky to me. This past week was another one of those times, and he just assumed I would help move a 200 pound solid wood television console down a flight of stairs. I told him I didn't want to do it, and to please ask his cousin (who lives two minutes away) to help. He get angry and says he doesn't want to wait for them, and there's no reason I can't do it. I stood my ground, so what does he do? Moves the furniture himself, coming close to almost dropping it. Then I am blamed for not helping him, and was selfish for refusing, ignoring his need. WTF? Don't my feelings matter? That really upset me, I immediately shut down and decided to skip going to our friends house that night. He went anyway, which as he's leaving says, "I hope you enjoy your pouting." I just don't really know what to do anymore. We've been married over 20 years, this is not anything new, and despite me voicing my feelings on things, they are ignored. Now I'm losing sleep and feeling like I'm the bad guy.


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## jlg07

You certainly are NOT the bad guy here. Ridiculous that he willfully ignores your health concerns since "HE KNOWS" that you can do it. BS. You need to sit and categorically tell him: I am NOT doing heavy lifting anymore. Period. You need to plan better so that when this type of thing is needed, you ask your cousin or brother. You are his wife, not his mule.
Honestly, I think what he did is amazingly selfish, immature and VERY manipulative. Stop letting him treat you like this.


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## Laurentium

I have a slighly different response:



megstl said:


> as I've gotten older, I've asked him to ask his brother or male cousin to help him because I simply can't handle doing it anymore, or the items or just too heavy for me. *Time and time again* he's completely ignored this or badgered me into helping and *I've given in*


Okay, so you've trained him not to believe you when you say "no". So it will take a little time to untrain him. It won't work the first time. Keep at it. Recognise that the current situation is *partly* of your own making.



> I stood my ground, so what does he do? Moves the furniture himself, coming close to almost dropping it. Then I am blamed for not helping him, and was selfish for refusing, ignoring his need.


So say, "yes, I'm really sorry that I can't help lift something that heavy". Say it sincerely.



> WTF? Don't my feelings matter?


I don't see where feelings come into this. Unless you mean the feelings in your back. What are your feelings about your back trouble and arthritis? Fear? Sadness? 



> That really upset me, I immediately shut down and decided to skip going to our friends house that night. He went anyway, which as he's leaving says, "I hope you enjoy your pouting."


Yeah, I'm on his side with that little part of it. You did the right thing, which was to refuse to lift the TV. You succeeded. That's good. Now you need to show that that doesn't mean you're opposing him, it just means you have back trouble. So don't stop being nice with him in any other way. Staying home does sound like sulking, especially when you succeeded in not lifting it.



> I just don't really know what to do anymore.


Keep saying "no" when necessary. Don't sulk and refuse to go to things.



> We've been married over 20 years, this is not anything new, and despite me voicing my feelings on things, they are ignored.


Because you've allowed that. It'll take a little time to change it.



> Now I'm losing sleep and feeling like I'm the bad guy.


So is there some other, bigger, issue going on here, that you are really fighting over?


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## Blondilocks

Ask your husband how many stevedores are 58 years old. Manual labor is a young man's game. Your husband is injurious to your health. So much for love, honor and cherish. 

The old git is trying to do you in. lol


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## megstl

I appreciate the replies, this is helpful. Laurentium, saying anything sincerely to him doesn't help, believe me I've tried being nice, matter-of-fact, you name it. ANY kind of opposition to doing something he thinks I should do is met with an argument or a nasty response. And perhaps I should have just joined him on an evening out, but that's my reaction to stuff like this, I completely shut down and need time to process what happened - this is something I know he knows about me, and yes, I'm sure the next you'll say is I need to work on that.  The other piece of this, when we've had fights like this before and have plans to see friends the same, he'll make sure to tell the story in front of everyone and completely belittle me. That was also part of the reason I refused to go out.


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## Openminded

Keep saying no when he brings these things up (because he will). I’m a female with a very bad back because I refused to accept my limitations when I aged out of my ability to move furniture. In my case, my husband sat watching tv, pretending he didn’t see me, while I moved a heavy chest down a flight of stairs. I almost lost control of it and it would have landed on me if I hadn’t managed to recover it at the last second. That was scary enough even for me and I finally accepted that I had gotten too old for that sort of thing. But the price I paid for that bit of hubris is that, years later, my back hasn’t recovered. Don’t be me.

PS
Your husband’s a jerk but you know that.


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## jlg07

megstl said:


> I appreciate the replies, this is helpful. Laurentium, saying anything sincerely to him doesn't help, believe me I've tried being nice, matter-of-fact, you name it. ANY kind of opposition to doing something he thinks I should do is met with an argument or a nasty response. And perhaps I should have just joined him on an evening out, but that's my reaction to stuff like this, I completely shut down and need time to process what happened - this is something I know he knows about me, and yes, I'm sure the next you'll say is I need to work on that.  The other piece of this, when we've had fights like this before and have plans to see friends the same, he'll make sure to tell the story in front of everyone and completely belittle me. That was also part of the reason I refused to go out.


So he is VERY immature, VERY vindictive and VERY manipulative. He is telling your friends this to make YOU look like the bad guy and weak. Have you ever answered him back in front of them?
How about this "Well if you weren't so weak, you wouldn't NEED a womans help, would you?" THAT type of answer in front of your friends should at least give him pause from ever trying that again.
If he doesn't like the answer, then HE shouldn't have brought up the conversation, eh?

The fact that you can't discuss things calmly with him is a bad sign for your relationship. He clearly does NOT see you as an equal, and he is REALLY manipulative.
I would suggest marriage counseling to work on communication, but I am SURE he will say no. The only thing you can do is work on YOU -- exercise, do hobbies, if you have kids, be with them. Improve YOUR life.

I am very sorry you are going through this.


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## DownByTheRiver

If you can get him to marriage counseling on this you should. he doesn't give two craps about your back and arthritis apparently and that would make me wonder how your marriage is over all. No one your age has any business lifting anything heavy because once you get back problems there is no cure for it and it will only get worse and worse and shorten your life and make your life miserable.


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## Prodigal

megstl said:


> The other piece of this, when we've had fights like this before and have plans to see friends the same, he'll make sure to tell the story in front of everyone and completely belittle me.


And you've stayed with Mr. Charming all these years because ...????


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## Diana7

megstl said:


> I'm at a loss here, and need an opinion. Over the years, my husband will decide to take on home projects, and that's great, but sometimes it involves either lifting something very heavy or moving a heavy piece of furniture, which as I've gotten older, I've asked him to ask his brother or male cousin to help him because I simply can't handle doing it anymore, or the items or just too heavy for me. Time and time again he's completely ignored this or badgered me into helping and I've given in, fearing the whole time that I'll either drop something or it will slide out of my hands and hurt me or him. I'm not comfortable with doing this kind of thing anymore, I'm 58 and have enough back issues and arthritis that it just feels too risky to me. This past week was another one of those times, and he just assumed I would help move a 200 pound solid wood television console down a flight of stairs. I told him I didn't want to do it, and to please ask his cousin (who lives two minutes away) to help. He get angry and says he doesn't want to wait for them, and there's no reason I can't do it. I stood my ground, so what does he do? Moves the furniture himself, coming close to almost dropping it. Then I am blamed for not helping him, and was selfish for refusing, ignoring his need. WTF? Don't my feelings matter? That really upset me, I immediately shut down and decided to skip going to our friends house that night. He went anyway, which as he's leaving says, "I hope you enjoy your pouting." I just don't really know what to do anymore. We've been married over 20 years, this is not anything new, and despite me voicing my feelings on things, they are ignored. Now I'm losing sleep and feeling like I'm the bad guy.


He does sound pretty rude and uncaring I have to say. Having said that I am a 64 year old woman with arthritis and also get an occasional very bad back, and we have had to move 3 times in under 5 years and done loads of decorating and sorting and lugging stuff about, but in our case we dont have any male relatives near by (his family are in OZ), wheras your husband clearly does so really he has no excuse.

Its sounds as if he just doesnt listen, and maybe if he was more thoughtful and caring you would be more inclined to help. That what happens with me, if I see my husband(age 63 and with his own health issues) struggling with something big and heavy, I tell him off and go and help because I dont want him struggling on his own or injuring himself which he has done in the past.
Its a difference in attitude isnt it, of listening and caring or being mean and selfish. We respond differently depending on how we are treated.

I wonder of some MC may help him see things differently?


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## LosingHim

You set a boundary for yourself and your husband didn’t like it. Unfortunately, that also means he doesn’t respect you/your boundary. I HATE moving heavy things with my husband. We have weird corners in my house and large items tend to be a nightmare to move, that ends up with one of us getting smashed fingers, and my husband has ZERO patience so he often ends up cussing and angry by the time it’s over. His cussing and anger leads to a very negative reaction within me, so I’ve told him I will not help him move large things anymore – depending on the shape and where he wants to move them to. If he’s not able to find help, I let him know that I will help him as long as he feels he can do it without losing his patience, and that if he does – I will be done the second he starts getting angry and he can finish it himself. He was annoyed by that the first couple of times, but now has accepted that if he wants me to help, his attitude better show it.



Your husband will get it eventually. Just stick to your guns.


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