# Seeking advice - am I being unrealistic?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So - divorced almost 11 years. 8 years ago I met a guy on match. Two dates, I decided I just felt "meh" so told him no chemistry and we went our separate ways. Several years later, on match again he messages me and said our last date was the most fun he'd had and would I like to get together as friends? For 3-4 years we hung out as friends, less often when we were in a relationship but stayed in touch. 

Several years ago we took a short vacation together and one thing led to another and we had sex. After two weeks he broke it off and couldn't articulate why. A year or so later I find out it was my weight - he wasn't particularly attracted to me. Ouch but OK. Meanwhile I had started working out and had dropped 50 pounds when he told me this so I had done it for me, not anyone else. Things were going south with his girlfriend and he broke up with her. Vented to me and we're still hanging out as friends. They've been apart 8 months now and he starts hinting at more but I didn't want to read too much into it until he laid a kiss on me. 

Now I'm feeling ambivalent. I told him I felt second best since he 'passed' on me to start dating others. And that I'm afraid if I gain weight he won't be attracted to me again and that I will forever be very self-conscious. I asked him what changed his mind and he said he realized everything he was looking for all this time was right under his nose.

I think he's settling. Frankly I think maybe I am, too. We haven't slept together - I told him we couldn't just pick up where we left off years ago. We have kissed some and it's just OK. He brought Valentine gifts which were sweet but blech. Roses from the grocery store that died in 2 days, cheap chocolates in a pretty box and a stuffed animal (I'm freaking 47 no 17). 

We are compatible in every way. Travel together well, enjoy DIY projects, respect each other, have similar financial goals, etc. 90% there but that other 10%.... is it really lack of spark or am I avoiding it? I think I'll forever feel he just figured he was tired of looking and thought I'd probably be the best he could do and things are pretty good between us. I'm thinking that lack of spark and my feeling insecure physically will forever be a barrier and that perhaps I'm settling for fear of not finding Mr. Right after all this time. Or am I just feeling insecure and putting up a wall?

UG. Advice? Your take on this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

As someone whose weight goes up and down, there's no way I could be romantically involved with a guy whose attraction to me depended mostly on my weight. No matter what he tells you now you'll always think the worst - I would anyway. WAY too much pressure there for me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My feeling is that dating doesn't need to be "goal" oriented. If you enjoy spending time with him, do so. If you feel like sleeping with him, do so. Don't make or expect any commitment. In spending time together you may find yourselves drawn closer together, or drifting apart. If the second, no harm, no foul. If the first, then you can decide later to make it serious. 

If you really want a long term relationship, then I think your best bet is to look elsewhere. It might work with him, but since it didn't before, chances are that it won't work again.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree, @Hope1964. I'm not sure it's a hurdle to get over. I want to relax in bed (and anywhere else) and not feel self conscious. Men can't just always perform and I'd instantly feel it was lack of attraction over any imperfection.
@richardsharpe I agree with that in theory but I know he wants to have me move in after my daughter is out of school in 15 months. I did say I needed to let it progress naturally - I guess I can do that.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

If I were you I would not want to be involved with him in any capacity.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EW, IMO it is YOU that is settling. Still no spark, still "meh".

He can be your friend, travel friend, friend with benefits, etc. but not LTR and not husband. If your feelings change months or years from now and the spark comes, great. 

The "everything he was looking for all this time was right under his nose" was the slim you, not the earlier you. Ask yourself. If you did not lose the weight, would he have come back around?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My opinion you need to keep him in the friend zone. He is one of these people who never really knows what they want. He isn't capable of real love or intimacy.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

He tells you that eight years ago you weren't good enough for him but now you are because you lost weight. You feel compatible with him but you have no passion for him. Yes, I think that I would define that as settling! Why in the world would you consider trying to have a romantic relationship with this guy when you aren't in love with him or even have a romantic desire for him? How often do you read on this site about people divorcing because their spouse is nothing more than a room mate? And you're thinking about starting at the point where many couples are divorcing?

Come on Enjoli, you're way to intelligent to think this is a good idea. You have given a lot of good advise on this site, what advise would you give someone else asking about the same scenario? 

I think you're just having a spell of weakness, happens to all of us, just keep your wits about you and it will pass.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

I feel like you shouldnt need to talk yourself into a long term relationship and seems like that is what you are doing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I lived in constant fear of gaining weight with my ex husband. You will always feel self conscious. This man should be your friend only.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There is an old saying "the only thing that is good warmed up is cabbage"...... in other words relationships are a once only thing, never to be rewarmed again.

Keep him as a FWB if that suits you but nothing serious and do not stop looking just because this guy is in your life.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I, too, think you would be settling. I think if you were to move in with him, small things that may irritate you could become big things really fast. When you love someone, you can overlook those small things or they stay small within the big picture of love. Only you can decide if "good enough" is good enough for you. It wouldn't be for me.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

What would people recommend if a woman told a man "I like you except that you don't have a job", then he got a job and she liked him well enough to move in with him?

Would it be correct to tell him that she is shallow to be concerned about such things?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I don't you can compare things such as jobs with personal, physical traits.

Anyway, while it may be shallow to desire certain physical traits, if you don't feel it you just don't feel it. It doesn't sound like she "feels it". I wouldn't call that shallowness but more chemistry. I think without that chemistry it won't work long term. It's hard to live with someone else that you really love sometimes. I think you need that love or chemistry to make it work as a full time live together kind of thing. Everyone else's mileage may vary.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

My first thought is no. But if you decided to see where things go you need to pick a direction. How would you feel saying want my next relationship to be last to him? Would he commit to "courting" you? There was a time "courting" did not mean candy and flowers. It meant a hard look at what a marriage would like between two people. It also meant rooting out hidden assumptions and role playing "what ifs". It would also mean in the latter stages children becoming involved.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just friends sounds just right.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

While all of you make good points and give good advice, these three really stood out to me.



blueinbr said:


> EW, IMO it is YOU that is settling. Still no spark, still "meh".
> 
> He can be your friend, travel friend, friend with benefits, etc. but not LTR and not husband. If your feelings change months or years from now and the spark comes, great.
> 
> The "everything he was looking for all this time was right under his nose" was the slim you, not the earlier you. Ask yourself. If you did not lose the weight, would he have come back around?


I don't know if he would have come back around, but even if he had, I would feel like first I 'passed' on us, then he 'passed' on us and now he's getting older (we are both approaching 50), he has no kids or family and few friends and he's lonely. I think I'm merely convenient. Maybe I would have been convenient before, I don't know. But I do know I feel EXTRA convenient now. I don't trust his feelings.



Cooper said:


> He tells you that eight years ago you weren't good enough for him but now you are because you lost weight. You feel compatible with him but you have no passion for him. Yes, I think that I would define that as settling! Why in the world would you consider trying to have a romantic relationship with this guy when you aren't in love with him or even have a romantic desire for him? How often do you read on this site about people divorcing because their spouse is nothing more than a room mate? And you're thinking about starting at the point where many couples are divorcing?
> 
> Come on Enjoli, you're way to intelligent to think this is a good idea. You have given a lot of good advise on this site, what advise would you give someone else asking about the same scenario?
> 
> I think you're just having a spell of weakness, happens to all of us, just keep your wits about you and it will pass.


You are right - it's merely a period of weakness; lonliness; tired of being alone all of the time and tired of looking. 



grame said:


> There's nothing wrong with him being attracted to you when you lose the weight.
> 
> Most guys want their women to be slim and fit, it's healthy, it's sexy, whereas fat is unattractive, unhealthy and can lead to medical problems.
> 
> ...


I think we're both settling. I don't think his being attractive to average-to-slim women is a flaw any more than my not being overly attracted to his looks is a flaw. I mostly admire his character but he's a bit of a fuddy-duddy. Too conservative, not very social. The life I envision we would have would be safe and comfortable but boring. I don't want to bungee jump but I don't know that I'd be content with 'comfortable'.

It wasn't hard to get it off, keep it off or stay active. I did put some of it back on when I was derailed by my dad's unexpected month in the hospital and subsequent passing. I feel I'm in a period of mild depression due to that. I'm not binging sitting on my ass every day; I'm just out of my better-for-me temporarily. 

He's not very supportive of that, either (not that he discourages it). When he knows I go from the office straight to a running trail, he still always tries to call at 5:15. When I mention what I'm doing he jokes that he won't run unless something is chasing him. He never congratulates me when I can run farther or accomplish a goal. And while he is on his feet all day and works hard on home improvement and eats healthy dinners, he doesn't talk about hiking or snow skiing or swimming or any of the things I like to do to stay active. I could very easily slip into less healthy habits without an aerobically active partner.

This week has been a hell of a week with one car being vandalized, the other car wrecked and subsequent insurance hassle (not daughter's fault but still a PITA to deal with), two days of travel while trying to handle all of that and never did he ask how things were going with any of it.

I have my answer. I'm convenient; he's convenient and we just aren't that into each other. I love doing DIY stuff but if that, travel and financial compatibility are the only things we have in common, it's not enough. 

Thanks for being my sounding board and confirming what I know. Back to just working on me and being friends.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pass. 


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

@Ceegee - succinct, if nothing else!


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I believe personal energy and emotion is a finite resource. 

Invest all of it in the pursuit of someone else that blows your hair back. 

I wouldn't want to marry someone that had an FWB for years because that is a form of settling, giving up, weakness

Reclaim your energy that is invested in this distraction and plow it all into finding someone that makes you feel fully alive instead of this partially lit thing you have with your question mark pal.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In the olden days when I was younger and thought anything was possible, I would have given this guy another chance.

But now that I am older, wiser, and have alos read a fair few men's opinions about giving guys like this a second chance, my response is "no way in he!!."


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It does not sound like a very uplifting and positive experience, past present or future.
Keep renting until you want to own.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Trust your gut, as I think you're right about him.  I'd move on.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Somewhere out there is someone who will love you for who you are. 

Wasting your time with this joker is not fair to that guy. 


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

When all else in a relationship is falling apart, chemistry can often be what holds it together long enough to heal.

It does not sound like there is chemistry there, EW.

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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

He has shown you his true colors and if you do gain weight he will be on your back and there is a good chance he will cheat. A person's past behavior is a pretty good indicator of their future behavior. Don't join the ranks of women who think they men can change or settle. Those type end up divorced. I would not even keep a person like that as a friend, no matter how else we are compatible otherwise. 

It really sounds like you are his safety net. When he loses whoever gives him sex, there you are to provide it until he can find someone else. You are better than that. Dump the loser or he will drag you down with him.


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