# Here we go again...



## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Now that we are 6 weeks into counseling my husband claims he hears me when I say we need more intimacy both emotionally and physically. But it is Friday night and he is in the other room watching TV alone while I sit here surfing the web.

I am tired of being the one who makes all the plans. Why do I have to plan the date nights? Why do I have to make sure we have food in the house or gas in the car or...you get the picture.

As tired as I am from a week of work I'd almost rather put in another day than spend tomorrow with him. Instead I'm sitting here thinking about all the errands I need to run and how I'm going to fit everything in. Oh he is happy to come along for the ride but absolutely nothing will be done as a result of any previously thought out plan of his. 

And as much as I am frustrated by his lack of initiative I am equally frustrated by his lack of spontanaity. Because in addition to having no plans he will contentedly sit in front of the TV all weekend. He won't come up with something at the last minute to go do or see. If I think of something that is outside his pre-approved list things to do on a normal weekend he has to think about it for a long, long time.

Family and friends are telling me it is time to end this. But I have been through divorce before and this time I will be absolutely sure I have turned over every rock that might have an answer for us. I refuse to look back and regret not giving it just one more chance.

I don't know how I will know when it is finally time to call it quits but I'm getting closer to that day all the time.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Could you communicate your feelings then reach a compromise? Do you think he'd be willing to hear your frustration and make a change? 

Have you considered taking turns finding something fun to do? One weekend he finds an activity and the next weekend it's your turn. Who knows, it may end up feeling like a game, sparking competitive nature to outdo the other and find something even better!

The bottom line is... you have to start from where he is. Right now. It may feel a bit like hand-holding, but if a change is going to happen, it has to start somewhere. And it can't start from where you want it to be, it can only start from where it is. 

So, tell him what you need (without aggression and accusation) and try to find a compromise from there.

As far as the errands go, you may be best served to ask him if he can run some for you. It may feel like giving chores to a child, but if it will help, go ahead and ask. Over time, he may begin to notice those things he's done in the past and take his own initiative. Again, you have to begin from where he is right now.

Good luck.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Janie said:


> Could you communicate your feelings then reach a compromise? Do you think he'd be willing to hear your frustration and make a change?
> 
> He claims that he hears my frustration and is willing to change but there is rarely any follow through.
> 
> ...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I think men (most men) just see things differently from us. And, once we can accept that, the frustration of trying to understand it decreases. We don't have to understand it, just figure out how best to work with it.

I would guess your husband wants to come through for you, but has no idea how to do it. He craves your admiration. Even though it may feel condescending to nudge him in the direction you would appreciate, he will be able to hit the mark and feel good about it. And, if you offer encouragement and gratitude, he will be energetic to do more. 

One word of warning, if you ask him to do something for you, and he doesn't do it the way you would, be very careful with criticism. Criticism seems to quench the desire to please very quickly. Appreciate the effort. I have art hung too high in my house, but I leave it there because he did it on his own... for me


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

stalemate~

One odd thing I noticed with my Dear Hubby, and I'm not sure if it's a guy thing or just a personality thing or an age thing (we are nearing 50yo) or what. My Dear Hubby also was a single dad and everything before he met me, so I know he is capable of literally doing all the housework and errands and working FT on his own. He has the ability! But while I'm here I do a lot of the various little planning "what to do" and even day-to-day stuff like menus, groceries, lawn work, chores. Once I asked him more or less "What would you do if I left?" and he said he'd take care of it but that he thought he had a partner in life. 

So to me I suspect it's somewhat close to a personality trait almost. If we are there, I think they have this little part of their head that says, "Whew someone to help me!" and then leave it to us to say "Please do this-this-and this" not realizing that really that feels like it puts all the burden on us...and feels a little like, "Your an adult too. Please notice on your own that this and that need to be done and do it. I'm not your mother." Right?

This is where it comes in handy to first check if there are Myers-Briggs personality differences (like maybe he's an introvert and to me sitting in front of the TV by myself sounds relaxing and I'm content by myself). Then speak up assertively and I suggest the WTFS method: 

"When you...
I Think...
I Feel...
So I'd like to request...."


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So you have had maybe 6 counseling sessions, right? I would have expected some progress by now.

just what is discussed in these sessions? Are you making progress? Has he changed at all?


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> So you have had maybe 6 counseling sessions, right? I would have expected some progress by now.
> 
> just what is discussed in these sessions? Are you making progress? Has he changed at all?


Yesterday was our 6th session. Whether there has been any real progress is hard to say. We are finally being more open with each other about our feelings. I am not seeing any real changes in behavior yet.

Since this therapist was recommended through my company's EAP we received the first 6 sessions for free. Now that we have passed the magic number we have to adjust our budget if we want to continue with this. It doesn't really make a lot of sense but the EAP therapists aren't not necessarily in-network on our insurance plan and now we will have to use out-of-network insurance benefits to continue with this therapist. That means a whole lot more money out of pocket to me.

We have decided to continue with this therapist instead of starting all over with someone new. She wants us to commit to 2 more months of weekly sessions and we can afford it if we cut back in other areas.

We have spent 6 weeks talking about what we each need from this relationship. Sort of getting down to the nuts and bolts of what our love languages are--even though we didn't use the book for this exercise. We have also had time to talk about some of the baggage we each brought into this marriage and how it affects us today.

My personal baggage includes a history of depression that is difficult to treat. For the first 8 years of our marriage I was in the deepest depression I have ever experienced and it severely limited my ability to have an emotional connection with him (or anyone else for that matter). I have been stable now for over 2 years and have re-joined the living. Now that I have a greater ability to make plans for the future I find that I want to make up for lost time.

On the other hand he is satisfied with the life we have had together for the last 10 years. He could not name one thing that he needs or expects from this relationship that he wasn't receiving. That baffles me! I was basically absent from life for 8 years and he was fine with that.

The therapist says we need to end the old marriage and start over. I agree that our marriage hasn't been a healthy one. I'm not sure how starting over with someone who is happy with the status quo is going to be different. But I can commit to two more months of working hard on this and end up either pleasantly surprised or certain that moving on alone is the right thing to do.

I know I sound like I have given up already and sometimes I think I have. In the future I want to be able to look back without regrets. So I am investing more time and energy into this today with the hopes that whichever way things end up I will be prepared to go forward either together or alone.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I know that therapists can't make guarantees, but I'd like you to address the lack of progress with both your husband and therapist.

Explain that you feel that little progress has been made and set expectation levels for the next two months. If your expectations are reasonable, then everyone needs to be on board and meet them. have your husband outline his expectations, too.

I'm not questioning the therapist, but remember some people see dollar signs before anything else and an additional 8 weeks will mean a good chunk of change for the therapist. Make sure you re going to get something out of it.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Chris,

You make a really good point about having some goals and expectations of therapy. I went into the original 6 weeks with no plans to continue after that point. Now the therapist is suggesting another 8 weeks. I don't want this to end up as an open-ended kind of therapy. Basically we need to agree on a treatment plan.

Yesterday's session ended with some new ideas to explore and I thought having a facilitator might be really helpful with that. The therapist will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks so we will have a short break and can judge whether or not we need her help for 8 more weeks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men often replace their mothers with their wife. You need to look at where he is doing this and take steps to stop 'enabling' him to be a son and not a husband.

Give concrete steps he has to take, such as planning a date or fixing a faucet or whatever and get him to buy into it.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Give concrete steps he has to take, such as planning a date or fixing a faucet or whatever and get him to buy into it.


Funny that you mention fixing faucets. Our kitchen faucet broke Sunday afternoon and he waited for me to return home to ask how to fix it.

I had a session with my individual therapist yesterday and she also suggested giving him concrete examples of what he can do to change the adult/child dynamic we have going on. I plan to have that conversation with him tonight.


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