# Is cyber sex cheating?



## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

To start I'll just say I know it's wrong but my husband and I share a computer and yes I know his passwords and can see the history. I looked up something in the history and saw sites that were surprising.
I know that he is a big porn guy. I am ok with this as long as it does not affect our marriage and sex life. At one point I thought it did. He was getting up in the middle of the night and going on the computer with the door closed. Acting all shady. I later found out that he was emailing other woman just wanting to talk to them.
He stopped doing this for a while but recently I've noticed he was acting shady with the computer again.
Well he isn't doing that but i saw a bunch of google searches asking if cyber sex was cheating. Then I saw he registered for 2 sites an adult finder site and cheaters.com site. What?? I don't know what to do with this now. Everything has seemed like it was going great.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Yes, it is.

WD


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

YES. Please read my story (link in sig). This is a HUGE problem.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

In a word... yes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's not wrong to look at your shared computer history. At all.

It's a big huge step towards cheating. The intent of talking to women is to meet them. Some people will say "oh no, it's just talking".
But it's risky behavior in many ways. Scam artists. Prostitutes. People who extort money from married men. It could be your co-worker, his boss, he has no idea who he is really talking to. 

Gather some evidence. Decide if you want to confront him. And what you expect him to do. Stop all contact, expose all passwords, never erase history, even on his phone. 

The two websites you mentioned are not "chatting" sites. He is at least thinking and planning about casual sex. Or already has.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Ah... yup.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

it seems that he is in need of something exciting. Try to spice it up for him.


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

the other night he got up and when he returned 2 hours later i did say something. i was half asleep but i think it went something like, i know you've been doing something on the computer and i wish you would just be open about it and talk to me about whatever is going on. all i remember is a response like, i have no idea what you are talking about....


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> it seems that he is in need of something exciting. Try to spice it up for him.


That's what is confusing the most. The sex lately (as in the past 6 months or so) has been better than ever. New things have been happening all the time. It seems to me that made it worst and he like went on the hunt for what else is new out there.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't want to make this a thread on porn. I look at it and I can say I never neglected my wife because of it. Chatting with other women, cyber sex, etc. would be cheating IMO. Deleting history, hiding where you have been would also be an issue with me. If porn makes you neglect your SO then it is a problem.


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

I agree that talking to other women is definitely cheating. I feel like I can't say anything because then he would know I went through his history and email accounts. Which I only did because I know something is up. So do I just see if he stops (by continuing to look into his accounts) or try to bring it up?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> it seems that he is in need of something exciting. Try to spice it up for him.


:wtf:Spicing things up with your spouse is one thing. Him (or her) going to look for other people to have sex with (including cyber sex) is a totally different ballgame. It is cheating. And it doesn't matter how much "spice" is added or not added to the marriage... it is wrong. If he needs more excitement, he needs to talk to his wife, not look for greener pastures in ANY form.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

yes


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> :wtf:Spicing things up with your spouse is one thing. Him (or her) going to look for other people to have sex with (including cyber sex) is a totally different ballgame. It is cheating. And it doesn't matter how much "spice" is added or not added to the marriage... it is wrong. If he needs more excitement, he needs to talk to his wife, not look for greener pastures in ANY form.


I agree. Today was actually the first time I looked into what he has been doing. He just signed up for these accounts yesterday and has never used them. So I'm wondering where he is really going with this. (I mean I obviously know the reason for the sites, he is just not like someone who would do something like that). I'm sure everyone says that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

sgrplm said:


> I agree that talking to other women is definitely cheating. I feel like I can't say anything because then he would know I went through his history and email accounts. Which I only did because I know something is up. So do I just see if he stops (by continuing to look into his accounts) or try to bring it up?


If it was me... and I'm me, not you, I would think and plan what to say. It would be around "boundaries" and what is acceptable and what isn't.

If you believe it is cheating, and \ or what he is doing is NOT acceptable, enforce it. It doesn't matter if he knows you looked. It's a shared computer. And there are no secrets in marriage.

If it was me... I would have his bags packed when he got home, and tell him he can come back when he's gotten STD testing, and has a plan for how he's going to work on his issue. 

In other words... I would not let someone treat me that way. Boundaries would be enforced. I would be willing to walk.

On a lighter side... not enforcing this as unacceptable is doing the opposite. You are allowing him to cheat. on you. In your own house. With your computer.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: Cyber sex?*

Adult Friend Finder is a " hook up " site for casual sex.
He is shopping around for casual sex.
This is not just porn
Its cheating .


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

*Re: Cyber sex?*

porn is often for men the cattlist that leads to cheating and can be very addictive his mind is involved in wanting what he sees and it does not involve you. a man after awhile will even prefer porn to having real sex with his wife. You need to put your foot down with the porn. perhaps you have felt that it was harmless and you wanted to be pleasing to your husband, but what has happened is that porn has fueled his sex fantasy for illicit sex. stop it now before it goes past the point on no return

do you see now that porn is not harmless?


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Is cyber sex cheating? YES


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

lol Obviously...YES


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

*Re: Cyber sex?*

Of course I know that porn can be harmful. I knew it was something he always did so I just came to not worry about it. However the last few years I have noticed a difference. It's not just the random looks when he is home alone anymore. It's a daily thing, before or after work. He works from home alot now and works on the computer in his office. I'd bet it's during the day too when he isn't busy.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> :wtf:Spicing things up with your spouse is one thing. Him (or her) going to look for other people to have sex with (including cyber sex) is a totally different ballgame. It is cheating. And it doesn't matter how much "spice" is added or not added to the marriage... it is wrong. If he needs more excitement, he needs to talk to his wife, not look for greener pastures in ANY form.


Well its obvious that whatever she is doing is not working. You are correct they need to talk, but no action she will lose still.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

A shared computer?

This is an easy one. Tell him everything you found.


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

Emerald said:


> A shared computer?
> 
> This is an easy one. Tell him everything you found.


Last week we finally cleared a spared bedroom for his office. He works from home 4 days a week. So we had been using a shared computer but now he will be using the one in his office and I have my own. 
The history I recently found was on his office computer, only because I knew something was going on. So not everything was on a shared computer.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

I presented this scenario to my husband.

His immediate response was, "Because he's trying to find a way to cheat."

We agreed that the sneaky behavior means he might have already made his mind up about what he wants to do. It's just the matter of him following through with it now.

He's already lied to you and your acceptance of his off-hand answers and denials have probably just encouraged him to be 'sneakier.' In his mind he 'almost got caught' and will be more careful in the future.

You guys have a hard talk ahead of you. I would prepare yourself.

Honey, I found your searches, your new sites you've joined, and noticed the change in your behavior.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sgrplm said:


> To start I'll just say I know it's wrong but my husband and I share a computer and yes I know his passwords and can see the history. I looked up something in the history and saw sites that were surprising.
> I know that he is a big porn guy. I am ok with this as long as it does not affect our marriage and sex life. At one point I thought it did. He was getting up in the middle of the night and going on the computer with the door closed. Acting all shady. I later found out that he was emailing other woman just wanting to talk to them.
> He stopped doing this for a while but recently I've noticed he was acting shady with the computer again.
> Well he isn't doing that but i saw a bunch of google searches asking if cyber sex was cheating. Then I saw he registered for 2 sites an adult finder site and cheaters.com site. What?? I don't know what to do with this now. Everything has seemed like it was going great.


YES it is cheating


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Well its obvious that whatever she is doing is not working. You are correct they need to talk, but no action she will lose still.


My point is that if her husband is cheating, or looking to cheat, no way can you pin it on her like "oh, if only you had spiced things up, he wouldn't have done it." That kind of thinking is bullsh!t. No way is it her fault if he cheats. Doesn't matter how "boring" their sex life is. Doesn't excuse cheating in any form. Period.


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## sgrplm (Oct 11, 2012)

Thank you for the responses and the outside feedback/views.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you read my story?? AFF is a site to hook up for sex. If he hasn't already, that's what he's planning to do.

Install a keylogger on his computer and see exactly what he is up to, then confront him. If you don't have incontrovertible proof he will deny and gaslight you.

You should also get tested for STD's


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

*Re: Cyber sex?*

Those 2 sites you found are hook up sites to find other married people who are unhappy with their sex life at home!

Cyber sex is cheating.

You need to stop this now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Cyber sex?*

I agree with the others. I cheated on my wife; I'm not proud of it, and my story is posted elsewhere in here. But I used Adult Friend Finder to find an affair partner. Even if it starts with just looking, you're only one click away from contacting someone who lives in your area, who you find physically attractive, and who is looking for casual sex. It really doesn't get much easier than that.

Nip it in the bud now.

C


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sgrplm said:


> To start I'll just say I know it's wrong but my husband and I share a computer and yes I know his passwords and can see the history. I looked up something in the history and saw sites that were surprising.
> I know that he is a big porn guy. I am ok with this as long as it does not affect our marriage and sex life. At one point I thought it did. He was getting up in the middle of the night and going on the computer with the door closed. Acting all shady. I later found out that he was emailing other woman just wanting to talk to them.
> He stopped doing this for a while but recently I've noticed he was acting shady with the computer again.
> Well he isn't doing that but i saw a bunch of google searches asking if cyber sex was cheating. Then I saw he registered for 2 sites an adult finder site and cheaters.com site. What?? I don't know what to do with this now. Everything has seemed like it was going great.


Yes. Cyber sex is cheating. 

Also there's an article in Science Daily called. "this is your brain on porn"

Internet porn due to its raunchy nature is addictive and it does lead to cheating because it changes the brain chemistry and causes people to crave variety.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Yep, precursor to physical cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a test. Ask him to do it with you sitting beside him.

Are you ok with him contacting another woman to exchange sexual stimulation and pleasure? Would you be happy sitting beside him while he did it? Would he be happy sitting beside you while he did it?

You bet your britches it's cheating.


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## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

This is my situation as well, he seems to think its not cheating because he never went through with it. But HELLO?? actively looking for another sex partner = cheating imo. Sure it may not be as devastating as a PA but its still damaging, and all I can think is am i sure he never went through with it? or if i hadn't of caught him how long until he would have? 

Sometimes I wish he would have had a PA or even an EA because then I would have an OW to be angry at as well, and maybe understand it a little better, but in this situation its just random people and numerous ones at that


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

gumby0811 said:


> This is my situation as well, he seems to think its not cheating because he never went through with it. But HELLO?? actively looking for another sex partner = cheating imo. Sure it may not be as devastating as a PA but its still damaging, and all I can think is am i sure he never went through with it? or if i hadn't of caught him how long until he would have?
> 
> Sometimes I wish he would have had a PA or even an EA because then I would have an OW to be angry at as well, and maybe understand it a little better, but in this situation its just random people and numerous ones at that


If he isn't willing to admit what he did was wrong, kick him out. It's what he deserves. My husband hadn't actually done anything physical on D day but he'd sure tried, and the best thing I did was kick him out that very day. He even admitted finally that what he did was cheating, but I didn't care - I was DONE. I didn't believe him anyway.

And today we're happier than we have been since our wedding day. Go figure.

Oh, and the part about it not being as devastating as a PA? Not true.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

gumby started her own thread here, just to keep answers to her in one place

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58290-lost-confused.html


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