# When to give up



## SoloNole (Sep 15, 2011)

This posted in another forum, but I need advise so wanted to post here too.

My wife and I have been together for 20 years (more than half our lives) and have two kids (10 & 12). Over the past couple of years, she says we've grown apart emotionally and two weeks ago she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and she's now talking divorce. I've made several suggestions about marriage counciling, but she isn't interested in trying to save our marriage. I've cried (alone) over this as I think about how this will affect our children, about not being a family anymore, and about how this affect our lives.

I know there are many things I could/should have done to prevent this. I have never been one to overly praise my wife, whether it was to say how beautiful she looked or how great dinner was on a night she made something special. I myself have never needed compliments to feel appreciated, but I now realize (too late) this is something she truly needed.

But over the last year, she has become openly disrespectful to me more and more. At parties she would say things like "he's an a$$, I don't care what he think" and once she left me at a concert without notice - just got in the car with a friend and took off. I've written most of this behavior off because it happened when we've been drinking, though it now is clear there were underlying feelings, not just the booze talking.

The ultimate disrespect came when she admitted being unfaithful in our marriage. I found out about it the hard way when I developed clear signs of Chlamydia. After I was tested positive, she went to the doctor and also tested positive. That's when she admitted she'd been with another guy (she claimed to have only made out and stopped things before they went too far...please! I don't think C spreads through heaving petting.)

I admit I've been missing the signs of her unhappiness for a long time and still wish we weren't splitting up, but part of me feels pissed off that she cheated on me (gave me a STD ) and won't even consider counciling to save our marriage even after I forgave the infidelity. I'm struggling with the decision of trying to change myself and start independent counciling to find ways to possibly save our marriage, or just giving up and moving forward with the divorce. I just don't see signs in her that there is a chance of reconciliation. But I'm a man and have missed the clear signs in the past. Could there be signs I'm missing now that it's not too late???


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