# The Next Move.



## Fourpaw (May 7, 2013)

I've been married for 4.5 years now and been with her for over 12 years. We have two little ones together and own a house. I work as a pilot so I'm gone about half the month...every month. 

I learned last year she was having an affair with a neighbor down the street. Since then, I've forgiven her way too many times about the same affair. We have moved to a new house, gotten new cars, new phone numbers and still it happens. As of last month, she moved back home to her family to get away from it all. Now I commute half way across the state to try and make it work.


The reason I write today? Because I'm tired. The guy is jobless, lives at home with Mom and Dad, has a record, no college, on parole, physically abusive, and so on. For whatever reason though, she can't get over him. 

I helped her get into a place into our home town but now I'm having second thoughts because we are about to list our house we bought. I'm very analytical. I think about statistics. Even though I've been with her so long, I know the chances are she will cheat again.

I found out before this guy there was a random encounter with someone before but she claims it as rape....but never told me?

She's the only woman I've been with since jeez...highschool. Everything is fine when I'm home but the moment I leave on a 3-4 day trip she contacts this guy. I end up catching her and rinse and repeat.

Vent.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If you have exposed the A to friends and family, enlisted their help in trying to fix the M, and she STILL continues with this loser POS, then I hate to say it, but it is time to file for D and move on.

Have her served, go dark on her and only communicate about kids and the D proceedings.

And make sure your lawyer uses this POS's record to get a restraining order so she can never bring your kids around this scumbag.

And the chances are very likely that the rape story is just that...a cover for another A you have uncovered that she does not want to acknowledge or face consequences for.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

UM.....this is NOT a marriage. She has stepped out bunches of times and you keep forgiving her because you want to stay married to her?! Grow a set and end it now. you are better off divorcing and letting her have the scum of the Earth. You do not have to live like this. Tell her you are done and file today!!


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You have a serial cheater on your hands and statistically your chances of having a successful relationship with her are very small. You know what to do. Go see a lawyer now and see it through. Good luck.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get checked for STDs- there is no telling what she has exposed you to.

Your chances at successful R are nill as she has zero remorse and is continuing to affair down with a loser.

See a lawyer ASAP and see what you can do. Your job will make it difficult, but given his record and abusive tendancies you must protect your children.

Speaking of your children- get a paternity test ASAP. They are cheap, easy, painless and private. You can search google for at home paternity tests and should have several examples for around a hundred bucks. You can also buy kits in most drug stores then pay an additional lab fee.

Do a hard 180 on her and do it for you.

You cannot forgive so easily (rug sweep) that just enables the behavior and bites you in the a$$ again.

I know it sucks, but she is leaving you no other real option. 

Filing for D may get her head out of her arse. You may decide it is too little too late, but you will at least be on a path of corrective action.

You cannot fix her. Only she can do that.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

so what is your next move?
mine would be an appointment with a good lawyer.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fourpaw

As a pilot in command you sit in that left seat. Make decisions every time you fly. You are responsible for your passengers and crew.

A marriage is not that much different. You have to make decisions when situations present themselves. You are responsible for your family.

But you are not responsible for your wife or her behavior.

When a passenger acts up you get them off the plane.

I think it is time you took control of your marriage and have your wife leave.

She does not respect you or the marriage. I think it is time to end your suffering, file a new flight plan and climb above the bad weather.

Keep posting.

HM


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

A marriage, especially when the couple is apart frequently, must be based on mutual trust abd respect.

In this case, neither exists. Sadly, I see no other way but a divorce.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Fourpaw said:


> I've been married for 4.5 years now and been with her for over 12 years. We have two little ones together and own a house. I work as a pilot so I'm gone about half the month...every month.
> 
> I learned last year she was having an affair with a neighbor down the street. Since then, I've forgiven her way too many times about the same affair. We have moved to a new house, gotten new cars, new phone numbers and still it happens. As of last month, she moved back home to her family to get away from it all. Now I commute half way across the state to try and make it work.
> 
> ...


 File D now. Stop this. In the custody agreement, no men around your kids.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Here is the definition of insanity.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Fourpaw said:


> I've been married for 4.5 years now and been with her for over 12 years. We have two little ones together and own a house. I work as a pilot so I'm gone about half the month...every month.
> 
> I learned last year she was having an affair with a neighbor down the street. Since then, I've forgiven her way too many times about the same affair. We have moved to a new house, gotten new cars, new phone numbers and still it happens. As of last month, she moved back home to her family to get away from it all. Now I commute half way across the state to try and make it work.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me like you head is telling you a logical truth about the likelihood of her cheating again. Your heart just doesn't want to admit it's over. Understandable. Although change can be scary sometimes the rewards for a tough change can be worth it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Fourpaw said:


> I've been married for 4.5 years now and been with her for over 12 years. We have two little ones together and own a house. I work as a pilot so I'm gone about half the month...every month.
> 
> I learned last year she was having an affair with a neighbor down the street. Since then, I've forgiven her way too many times about the same affair. We have moved to a new house, gotten new cars, new phone numbers and still it happens. As of last month, she moved back home to her family to get away from it all. Now I commute half way across the state to try and make it work.
> 
> ...


I am having trouble following your story. She cheats on you, and you buy her a new phone/car/house. And a 2nd place to stay?

If my wife cheated, I would SELL her car and get her a bicycle. that would help her to peddle her ass all over town. :rofl:

stop rewarding her behavior, at least.

And of course you do not believe she was raped, do you? That is called "trickle trothing", she told you something that had a little truth in it, but not the real story at all.


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## Icewind (Dec 18, 2012)

Center yourself, don´t let her mess with your emotions, go 180.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Oh man. I'm not usually one to just say toss in the towel and get out- but this?

It really sounds hopeless. Don't ruin the rest of your life this way. Believe or not, there are tons of better women out there. You can't do this to yourself.

I know the kids are the big issue, but something has got to give.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

let me understand this fourpaw...she is a serial cheater, she will cheat again, and you even realize that....now I get it you love her....and this is how she shows her love to you....she is a very very selfish person and she has no desire to make you happy and stay faithful. but if you are hell bent on staying with her then try this on for size with her...tell her that you have decided to join her and that you have decided to open your marriage up after all why should you not get to enjoy having relationships while on the road...i guarantee you that she will go crazy. then you will know your answer


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Fourpaw said:


> ... I end up catching her and rinse and repeat.
> 
> Vent.


Then stop.

She can't be trusted, and she'll never change.

You can't control what she does, but you CAN control what you put up with.

Get a divorce.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

I think you know what you need to do.

Don't be afraid. Walk straight with your head up and eyes open.

In couple years or less you'll be happy and wont believe it took you so long to act.

Have a great day!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Fourpaw said:


> I'm very analytical. I think about statistics. Even though I've been with her so long, I know the chances are she will cheat again.


Fourpaw, if you are very analytical and think about statistics you'd know there's about a 99.99:100 this girl don't give a rats azz about you. The way you explain it, you're 100% sure she's going to be warming up this jailbird's bed when you leave town. By my estimate, I'm 99% sure if she wasn't with the ex-con, she'd be be banging someone else. When a chick can't get over another guy, it means you're the frog and he's the prince my man. 
Besides that, you don't want the odds to be merely in your favor she won't cheat. You want it to be totally out of character and the biggest surprise in the world if she cheats; not, "here we go again". 
I'm not going to recommend what you need to do Dawg. Unless you want to be satisfied with, "it'll wash off", you already know.


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## Fourpaw (May 7, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> I am having trouble following your story. She cheats on you, and you buy her a new phone/car/house. And a 2nd place to stay?
> 
> If my wife cheated, I would SELL her car and get her a bicycle. that would help her to peddle her ass all over town. :rofl:
> 
> ...



Well, even though it might sound as much the events didn't take place exactly like that. It wasn't her cheating on me then here's a new car baby. This all took place over the last year. We moved into a better house into a better neighborhood. She promised this would resolve everything...well it didn't. Time goes on and she claims he keeps spotting her in her car so we trade it in on something else. Phone numbers get changed and still no change.


As I said before, we own a house in one place and now rent in another. She wants me to quit flying and take a local job that I'm home every night vs being gone 3-4 days at a time.

I'm starting to believe that no combination of anything will resolve this.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

D will correct this and quickly


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Fourpaw said:


> Well, even though it might sound as much the events didn't take place exactly like that. It wasn't her cheating on me then here's a new car baby. This all took place over the last year. We moved into a better house into a better neighborhood. She promised this would resolve everything...well it didn't. Time goes on and she claims he keeps spotting her in her car so we trade it in on something else. Phone numbers get changed and still no change.
> 
> 
> As I said before, we own a house in one place and now rent in another. She wants me to quit flying and take a local job that I'm home every night vs being gone 3-4 days at a time.
> ...


Play hardball and go see a lawyer. Filing for Divorce and separation is certainly warranted here. Do the 180, and stand up for yourself. There are better women out there. Quit subsidizing her lifestyle. She will wake up plenty when she knows you are willing to punt her arse to the curb and move on, but even with the total disrespect she shows you after having cheated? I would plan to move on without her.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Any kids? If not, there shouldn't be any question as to the correct path. 

Even if there are, the answer is still pretty clear, just more complicated.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Fourpaw said:


> I'm starting to believe that no combination of anything will resolve this.


You're an enabler, you haven't giving her any real motivation to end the affair because she knows you will not do anything about it. She has nothing to lose from her point of view. 

Nice guys get walked on, a-holes get results.

There are four magic words that can end the affair and motivate your wife to R (I'm assuming that's your end game).

"I want a divorce"

Then file to show you are not bluffing. Don't worry, only 50% of people that file actually go through with it but if she thinks you will never leave her she is going to take the path of least resistance and that's continuing the affair.

You can't nice them out of an A and you can't compete with the AP, all you can you is leave them high and dry and with any luck they will come to their senses and crawl back to you before its too late.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Why would she ever stop? She has you, the lifestyle you provide and the OM. She’s not stupid. Don’t give up flying for her. If you get a 9 to 5 job she will still figure out a way to see him. 

DNA your kids if you have any. You can buy a kit at Walmart, Amazon or most drug stores for $30. You swab in inside of your cheek and the kid's with a Q-tip. Then you mail it to a lab with $130 more.



Fourpaw said:


> The guy is jobless, lives at home with Mom and Dad, has a record, no college, on parole, physically abusive, and so on.


The OM should get a job as a PI. He knows how criminals think and can track down your wife no matter what you do.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Double post. I keep hitting the wrong button.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Not trying to bash you, but you rug swept her affair and now you're paying the price. The first time you found out she was still in contact with him, should have been your exit point. The subsequent times you re-drew your lines in the sand are on you as much as her. She obviously has no fear of losing you because of that; and thus you are out of options other than divorce.

It's one thing to give a spouse a 2cnd chance after cheating, it's quite another to give them multiple chances. A WS should cherish that gift of a 2cnd chance. Your WW threw it back in your face. Easy choice.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get a paternaty test on the kids.

if their yours then file for divorce.

in the mean time seperate all accounts,cancel all joint credit cards,check the laws about divorce in your state is it fault or no fault. if it an at fault divorce her on the grounds of the affair. get a safe deposite box and start stashing cash in it.

call a lawyer asap.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

Divorce her and don't look back. Women are suckers for pilots so you don't have to worry being single in the near future.


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## Fourpaw (May 7, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Fourpaw, if you are very analytical and think about statistics you'd know there's about a 99.99:100 this girl don't give a rats azz about you. The way you explain it, you're 100% sure she's going to be warming up this jailbird's bed when you leave town. By my estimate, I'm 99% sure if she wasn't with the ex-con, she'd be be banging someone else. When a chick can't get over another guy, it means you're the frog and he's the prince my man.
> Besides that, you don't want the odds to be merely in your favor she won't cheat. You want it to be totally out of character and the biggest surprise in the world if she cheats; not, "here we go again".
> I'm not going to recommend what you need to do Dawg. Unless you want to be satisfied with, "it'll wash off", you already know.


I get it. I wish it was that easy to deal with though. We've been together for over 12 years. We do have two kids together. I'm at a point where I am seeing a the light. You would have thought it would have taken the events of the last year to show me the light but you are right I swept it underneath the rug thinking it would go away.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

At some point you are going to have to move past the venting stage and start the actions stage.

Stop rugsweeping her behavour. It will only get worse if you dont address this.


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Fourpaw said:


> Time goes on and she claims he keeps spotting her in her car so we trade it in on something else. Phone numbers get changed and still no change.


So she's saying that she can't stay away from him because he keeps spotting her in her car? Like, he runs out in front of the car and her knickers mysteriously fall off? 
And then you change her phone number and the guy *still* tracks her down? Wow, this guy is awesome! He's David Copperfield and Sherlock Holmes all rolled together.

Your poor wife. She must be going out of her mind trying to hide from this stalker. She's probably thinking that leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to her bed wasn't such a good idea after all.

D*I*V*O*R*C*E


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Just damn, a good job, secure job at that, good husband faithful I assume. Good dad, just a good provider. You leave for half a month and she does that. You don't need this man. There are plenty of good woman who would maintain the decency of being a good woman, wife and mother. The person she chose to be with is 180 who you are. That is who she really is. Myself with my situation I left. So fast, so hard with zero chance of R. I had no kids so everything was easy. Divide property and bills have a nice life. But when kids are in the mix it's a bit more complex.

My opinion save yourself, If you R great, but you will never trust her again. You will have a build up of resentment, rage, regardless of how much counseling you do. Coping with those emotions on top of a high stress job, leads to other things. You need a peaceful home free of this garbage. Go find a woman who respects you and will maintain a relationship, knowing you are gone a lot. They are out there. Go find happiness sir that's what it's really about. Good luck this will be rough, but you can do it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So as punishment for her affair and complete lack of accountability.......

You have to give up a good paying job you enjoy?


:scratchhead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just so we are clear. 

The OM recognizes her new car, gets the new phone number, knows where the new house is, BECAUSE YOUR WIFE TELLS HIM.

Make no mistake, he's been in your bed too. 

As others said don't give up the career, she will meet up with him no matter where you are.

Keep the job ditch the wife. She needs a one way ticket outta the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Let her go live with the abusive OM. 

She will start to see that he is not as much fun, when he can't support her, and it is all about the OM.

I am sorry your are having this horrible experience.

Time for it to end.


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