# what is closure? Somebody 2x4 me please...



## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Rough, rough afternoon. Today is the ex wife's birthday. I tried like hell all day to avoid the thoughts, but in the end I caved and hate myself for it. This divorce is still so new to me... Damn.

The last time I texted with her, my disgust in how this divorce went down, led to her blocking my phone (I think she refuses to acknowledge just what she did ie. It's all my fault and she did no wrong). So in a moment of weekness I shot her a text with a simple "happy birthday Jxxx". In return I got a simple "Thanks Jxxx".

That was tough. I thought I would get a little more. Alas, no. So, in hopes of bringing me some closure, I sent a text saying "I'm glad I am not blocked anymore and Fwiw, I get it, and I really hope you are happy. Please don't reply". 

Understand folks, I spent 20 years with this girl and I guess this being her first birthday since our divorce, something just made me do what I did.

And now knowing that she is probably out with her new beau and celebrating, I'm really upset I sent it.....

Line up and take your shots. I deserve them. 

-FL


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So she's with her new beau but the real question is did you find a younger and hotter replacement?


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

keko said:


> So she's with her new beau but the real question is did you find a younger and hotter replacement?


You're right! The night is still young...


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

It's Friday night! Go out on the town and forget about her. What's done is done. Time for a fresh start. Stop focusing your thoughts on her and what she's doing. They are inconsequential.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Her birthday means jack sh!t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I could use some margaritas (and a distraction) myself, lets hit the town! LOL!


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

TemperToo said:


> I could use some margaritas (and a distraction) myself, lets hit the town! LOL!


Never had a margarita before but hell, it's time to start living! I'm in!


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Never had a margarita? You've never lived! We must whisk you away to the nearest Mexican eatery, STAT!


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I'm all over that! Can't wait to get back to work and get some cash flow going. Already being called out for drinks on several occasions but just cannot afford it right now .. I wanna hit up the August camping trip across the boarder, man, that would be good times!


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

DO IT! LOL! Getting out and hanging with buds is seriously underrated!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

frigginlost said:


> So in a moment of weekness I shot her a text with a simple "happy birthday Jxxx". In return I got a simple "Thanks Jxxx".
> 
> That was tough. I thought I would get a little more. Alas, no. So, in hopes of bringing me some closure, I sent a text saying "I'm glad I am not blocked anymore and Fwiw, I get it, and I really hope you are happy. Please don't reply".
> 
> ...












I'm starting to run out of lumber.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

frigginlost said:


> Rough, rough afternoon. Today is the ex wife's birthday. I tried like hell all day to avoid the thoughts, but in the end I caved and hate myself for it. This divorce is still so new to me... Damn.
> 
> The last time I texted with her, my disgust in how this divorce went down, led to her blocking my phone (I think she refuses to acknowledge just what she did ie. It's all my fault and she did no wrong). So in a moment of weekness I shot her a text with a simple "happy birthday Jxxx". In return I got a simple "Thanks Jxxx".
> 
> ...


20 years is a long time, so don't kick yourself too much. If that was all you said, you did alright. Just don't do it on the next milestone you encounter.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

" I spent 20 years with this girl"

No you haven't --- because that girl no longer exists. The sooner you realize "that girl" is dead -- the sooner you will realize that and ask yourself "am I attractive to this new girl" who has put me through pain and suffering.

My guess is the answer about the new girl will be NO.

20 years is a long time -- you are grieiving the old relationship and what you thought your future was going to be. That's okay -- grieve -- but at some point the grieving has to stop and you have to move on and make a new future.

It is tough -- but you will get there.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Hello, been there and done this thing...not easy, but when I was a newbie to this site, I found this about closure and it really helped me move past my need to end the pain and disappointment.

Closure is a HUGE issue.

We all want something to end “completely.”

We all want answers, to understand.

We often hang around in a relationship, doing damage to ourselves, because we’re looking for that moment when it “all get’s clear.” When we finally say what we mean and what we feel and finally feel HEARD by him. When we feel a chapter has closed.

Only, it hardly ever happens that way.

We can end up spending so much of our lives waiting for, looking for, praying for, listening for, asking for, demanding, envisioning, thinking about, writing about…Closure…that never happens.

And – here’s the question to ask – Is Closure necessary? Is it really all that important?

And – I say NO. We most often will never get “closure,” and perhaps that’s a VERY GOOD THING.

Perhaps that’s the way we learn to be softer, more fluid and flexible. To roll with the “punches” …and to “Be Surprised.”

Perhaps this is where we finally learn to give up control.

Here’s a comment from Linda:

“Rori, I read a long time ago if you are angry with someone then it needs to be dealt with with that person so we don’t make innocent people in our lives victims of someone else’s crime against us. I think that issues that create the most frustration is when it can’t be resolved correctly and redistributed. I don’t mind feeling angry but it is getting out from under it that has been issue. Often I feel like I just have to swallow and live with it because well it is easier. Boy that is a bad way to live.

I have been angry for quite a while but have no place to release it. I used to turn it on myself but I have gotten past that now. I am so angry that I was betrayed and abandoned. I am angry with the situation that I find myself in now. I want to give it to its source but they are no longer in my life. There is no contact. There is no chance to talk thru it or deal with it. Again I have had to swallow it try to sort it and make it not matter but it still DOES!.. The issue is just there, I bump into it all the time and it usually takes on the form of the lower energy “sadness” but I think that is because there is no closure. Healing doesn’t come and is only replaced with dealing with it only. A overwhelming frustration lingers because of what he did to us.”

Here’s my answer:

You do NOT need closure. There is no such thing as closure. Forget “closure.” Just forget about it.

And – you do NOT need someone to work out your anger with. You can do it by yourself, on your own, talking to the mirror, journaling, drawing, jumping up and down and shouting.

Anger is energy – and energy is TRANSFORMABLE. Cleaning merely distracted you – but it also was Channelling,[...]

Anger is a vigorous response to a more helpless feeling like disappointment and fear. The answer is to sink down into the fear and sadness and grief, and USE the energy of the Anger to move you forward.

Every single moment of life you are being Triggered. Use those moments to heal. Don’t look for specific people to help unburden you. Work it out where you are in this moment.

So – there we are. Don’t NEED to close anything. Leave all doors be, let air move through, around, against, up and down all the open and half-closed and slightly ajar and slammed shut doors of our lives, until the doors finally disappear on their own, from misuse. Let the cobwebs gather around the old patterns, let the old pain drift away, let things crumble as they will.

No closure – just movement. Moving forward, onward to Happy Ever After.


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