# Married 22 years



## Messed-up (Jun 27, 2011)

I have been married for 22 years. My husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend back in 1997 when we had been married for 8 years. My son was 7 and I made the decision to stay with him because of him. I love my son more than I hated what my husband did. We have stayed together; it has been ok..not great, I would say, but not bad. Not enough sex, mostly my fault, truthfully. I had a hysterectomy, no hormones, maybe residual resentment. Fast forward to last year. Long story, but my husband became ill after treatment for Hep C and he was quite ill last year. He had a liver transplant last June. It really hurt us financially..refinanced, home equity, had to move temporarily and have a son in college. I took care of him, went to all of these appointments, moved for transplant, etc. In January, he started on Facebook all of the time; he is not working and I work from home. He started acting squirrelly and I looked at his phone records...oh yes, I know, I'm awful. It wouldn't be a problem if there was no problem. I would not care if he did this with me. 

Anyway, I found a number called a lot, confronted him, he got mad at me and he called her to warn her about me knowing. I never called the first one; I have no idea why he thought I would call her. He said it was a friend, etc, etc. and tells me yesterday that he has not been happy in 13 years and is not in love with me. He went to a family picnic with his family 4 hours away today for the holiday. Turns out when he got home last night, "he went for nothing, no one did anything, so no family picnic". (As it turns out, this is true, per his sister.) I feel so betrayed. Nice repayment, huh? Holy crap, I took care of this man, have worked and worked to make enough money to keep us afloat and he is not in love with me? Is he 21? He is 57 years old.

So, now not only is he on Facebook all of the time, he has many friends, most of whom are women. He also has strippers, hot bodyz, etc. as friends. They asked him...I'm sure they are advertising. We went to one counseling session..she said I was shutting him out. Nothing about him being on facebook for freaking 12 hours a day (no kidding)..but she was right. I have shut him down and now I have called and canceled the counseling session for tomorrow. I want out. I am really, really angry. There is a lot more, but I don't want to make it so long that no one will read this. 

I am not sure what I want by posting. I just really felt the need to connect with someone who would read it and give me some feedback.

Thanks for reading this long story.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your situation and I hope things work out for you.


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## Houstonian (Jun 2, 2011)

Hi "Messed_Up",
first of all, I appreciate the self-assessment which is important in improving and the ability to take criticism shows you are leaps and bounds ahead of others....but I do not agree with your title "Messed_Up" maybe some light humor IS appropriate. But enough of that, let me be clear Facebook is a highway for getting married men in trouble. Honestly, if I was 'reaching out to an old flame,' and my spouse got angry and called the woman and told her to stay the h*** away (of course I'm still in the wrong), I would be impressed that someone cherishes me and defends us. About facebook: lets not be naive, a married man playing on facebook all the time? Find a nice picture of you and him together and demand he uses that as his main profile pic, and also keep his relationship status as MARRIED. Also, demand the first line on his account read "I am happily married to YOUR NAME, and look forward to growing old with her!" If he gets squeemish, then it's time to keylog him and start gathering evidence to either embarrass him later or for the divorce.

I'm no expert in this area, but these are my ideas from a guy perspective.


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## Messed-up (Jun 27, 2011)

Thank you, Big Toe.
Hi Houstonian...I think I put Messed-up just because I feel messed up, but I can see where it seems as if I mean that I messed-up. Oh well..I must not be good at picking names.

I actually purchased a keylogger and decided not to use it. I feel pretty much done with it no matter what he is doing and I am in a no-fault state. He has just come in here and asked me if I didn't want to try counseling, but honestly, what good is it when he is unwilling to change this behavior, which is what he has told me. I told him that I could not change his behavior and that I was not asking him to do anything differently, but I sure could decide what I could live with and it isn't this. His sister called me and told me that he had called her and told her what was going on. She told him that he had everything he needed right here and he was a fool for being on facebook. I don't know what he has actually done, probably nothing *yet*, but I am sick of talking to him about it and sick of him asking for sex...yes, all of the time. He has had impotency problems from medication, told me he is not in love with me, feels like he is in prison and asks me for sex. He has gone around the bend.

I appreciate your response as actually, I do need a man's perspective. I *do* have a very supportive brother, who agrees it is probably best to leave this behind and do the best I can to move on. It's hard after 22 years.  Thank you.


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