# Hotwife questions



## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

My husband brought up trying this new fetish out. I have never been the type to sleep around, and I was perfectly happy with monogamy. I was living in my bubble thinking my marriage was great. He told me he was happy but wanted more. So after a few months of him not giving it a rest I agreed. I tried it and tried to make myself like it. I wanted to be the woman he wants. During this time he was all over me and I loved it. I loved the husband he was, he was surprising me all the time, cuddling, getting sweet I love you letters. But when I finally had enough of him asking when, where I was going to try to meet a new guy, I blew up and confessed I hated sleeping around. I tried to "fake it til you make it" .
After everything I can't see him in the same light. I have tried so hard to get my husband back, but all I can see is him asking what the other guy did and how he did it and my husband trying to be like him. In my eyes that's weak. I feel like he isn't the "alpha" even though that fetish was suppose to make him even more the alpha, supposedly. 
Has anyone else gone through this? I love him and don't want to lose him, but at the same time he showed me who he really was as long as I was doing what he wanted. Advice on saving my marriage??


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How can a man that loves you want to share you? It’s idiotic! A man’s number one purpose is to PROTECT his wife and family. Not exploit it.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Number 1 question/concern .... hope you don't have kids?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Couple of sobering feelings/facts about mate sharing




Lillian12 said:


> *I have never been the type to sleep around, and I was perfectly happy with monogamy. I was living in my bubble thinking my marriage was great.*





Lillian12 said:


> * He told me he was happy but wanted more. *





Lillian12 said:


> * I tried it and tried to make myself like it. I wanted to be the woman he wants. *





Lillian12 said:


> * I blew up and confessed I hated sleeping around. I tried to "fake it til you make it" .*





Lillian12 said:


> * After everything I can't see him in the same light. *





Lillian12 said:


> *In my eyes that's weak. *





Lillian12 said:


> * I feel like he isn't the "alpha" even though that fetish was suppose to make him even more the alpha, supposedly. *


Here's a few questions:
1) Can you ever look at him and "want" him to be your husband? Not you love him and want to be with him, but can you overlook this phase/episode?
2) Are you harboring anger, hurt, rage that you allowed yourself to be talked into being a hotwife?

The reason I ask, how can you ever look at your husband the same? You can get over sleeping with others (eventually). But I logically don't see how you can get over your view that your husband is now weak, especially now knowing he gets off on having you serviced by another man.

I would say IC (not MC at this point) to find out why he likes this.
I would say IC for you as well. Why did you agree if you really didn't like it and to help find out if you can forgive your husband for this. You need to also to work out if you can actually be with someone that has this fetish.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

perfectly happy with monogamy....

So how was the marriage back then? Sounds like it was fine as you didn't mention anything.

If you want to save it, ask him to go to counseling in an effort to get over it.

I don't agree with your husband coercion to get you to try it but seems like your handling that end well with no self doubt...or am I wrong?

Getting his alpha back in your eyes could be a tough one after this mess.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lillian12 said:


> My husband brought up trying this new fetish out. I have never been the type to sleep around, and I was perfectly happy with monogamy. I was living in my bubble thinking my marriage was great. He told me he was happy but wanted more. So after a few months of him not giving it a rest I agreed. I tried it and tried to make myself like it. I wanted to be the woman he wants. During this time he was all over me and I loved it. I loved the husband he was, he was surprising me all the time, cuddling, getting sweet I love you letters. But when I finally had enough of him asking when, where I was going to try to meet a new guy, I blew up and confessed I hated sleeping around. I tried to "fake it til you make it" .
> After everything I can't see him in the same light. I have tried so hard to get my husband back, but all I can see is him asking what the other guy did and how he did it and my husband trying to be like him. In my eyes that's weak. I feel like he isn't the "alpha" even though that fetish was suppose to make him even more the alpha, supposedly.
> Has anyone else gone through this? I love him and don't want to lose him, but at the same time he showed me who he really was as long as I was doing what he wanted. Advice on saving my marriage??


When you two divorce do you have any proof that he asked you to sleep with other men.Otherwise he can claim serial infidelity on your part.
Any man who encourages his wife to sleep with other men needs his ass kicked every day.
And twice on Sundays!


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Lillian12 said:


> I loved the husband he was, he was surprising me all the time, cuddling, getting sweet I love you letters.


You know Pimps do the same thing. Sorry, but this situation kind of reminds me of that. Best of luck to you going forward.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

If I was in your shoes, and thankfully I'm not, I'd divorce my spouse. For me there would be no coming back from something like that. For my wife and I we choose monogamy because that makes what we have together very special and exclusive to just us. If either of us were to have any type of intimacy with anyone else then that special exclusive thing we have together evaporates instantly and I'd rather move on and find something special with someone else in the future.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's a common fetish, like the cuckold fetish. I don't understand it, myself, but have known a few couples who were into it. One of them, like you OP, tried it but didn't want to continue it, and eventually they broke up. He is what he is, and needs what he needs, but if he can't be happy with you and treat you as you enjoyed without it, then you are not compatible. You both need to discuss this to see if there is a way forward without this fetish - and he needs to realize that few women will even consider trying this, much less like it or sustain it long term.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I really debated posting here but will because I am so sorry that you are in this situation. You basically put his need before yours, which is often but not always admirable in a marriage, but it was something you didn't want to do, don't want to do, and now your marriage is changed forever.

I've known two couples who tried this lifestyle. The only reason I found out was that both of the wives came to me after things went poorly, and as the unit commander, I had to take action out of concern for their safety. I will share one story.

A young woman who worked for me came in one morning looking horrible and very shaken. She asked to speak to me privately and what I heard shocked me. Basically, for a long time, her H wanted her to sleep with other men, but she didn't. She finally gave in and did it a few times, and her H would ask her to leave her phone on so he could hear. Then he wanted her to do it with a woman, and she did once but hated it. Then he wanted her to do it with someone of a different race, and he found the partner for her and she did. It came to the point where he wanted to set up a "fake rape" in their house at a time when she had no idea, but she put her foot down and said no. Well, her H set it up anyway and let the guy into the house. At first, she thought it was her husband but when she figured out what was going on and started screaming, the guy freaked out and left. She was a mess. I took her to the provost martial's office, got his command to issue a temporary protective order, and her husband was removed from their quarters. They divorced and she is now happily married with two adorable children (we've kept in touch over the years).

I think it is shameful that your husband expects you to do something like this that you don't want to do, and it is sad how it has affected your marriage. I'm not saying that things will escalate like they have above, but if he expects you to cross this significant of a boundary now, where will it lead? You have a lot of hard thinking and tough decisions ahead of you.

PS. The other story: Wife did it twice and wanted to stop. Her H agreed but one of the two guys she slept with kept wanting to sleep with her again and became obsessed. He started stalking her and her H. Her H was in my unit and I knew the couple. She came to me with the story and begging for help. It was heartbreaking.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> When you two divorce do you have any proof that he asked you to sleep with other men.Otherwise he can claim serial infidelity on your part.
> *Any man who encourages his wife to sleep with other men needs his ass kicked every day.
> And twice on Sundays*!


Thanks for the laugh, needed that today!


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## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

We have 1 kid together. We have been together since we were teenagers and I'm now 29. I just hate the idea of throwing it all away. How can love him so much but be so unhappy with the situation? How do i know others won't be like this?


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## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

Lol. Thanks for lifting my spirits!!


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> How can a man that loves you want to share you? It’s idiotic! A man’s number one purpose is to PROTECT his wife and family. Not exploit it.


I absolutely agree that a man's number one priority is to protect his wife and family. That's what makes this situation so unfortunate. Anytime a "third" party is introduced into the marriage, it puts everything at risk: the marriage, the family, even his/her safety. This is a case where things went seriously wrong (we were in NC when it happened, big news there): Witness testifies he used suspect - News - Wilmington Star News - Wilmington, NC

Let's play this scenario out. What if you actually started having feelings for one of the people you slept with, and started a relationship outside the marriage without your husband's knowledge, then he found out? How would he react? There are so many ways for this to go south for both of you. It's one thing to have a fantasy about all of this, but it's another thing entirely to convince your wife to do it when she's not into it, then basically "punish" her when she wants out.

Does he understand the pitfalls here and what he's done to you?


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Lillian12 said:


> We have 1 kid together. We have been together since we were teenagers and I'm now 29. I just hate the idea of throwing it all away. How can love him so much but be so unhappy with the situation? How do i know others won't be like this?


I got divorced after 33 years with the same woman. I understand not wanting to throw it all away, it tormented me. Now I couldn't be happier.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband pimped you out for his own gratification. That is objectification to the nth degree. That is the opposite of love. He is disgusting. Why would you want to stay married to him?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Lillian12 said:


> We have 1 kid together. We have been together since we were teenagers and I'm now 29. I just hate the idea of throwing it all away. How can love him so much but be so unhappy with the situation? How do i know others won't be like this?


I've been a divorce lawyer for decades. I have many friends that I've met over the years by representing them in divorce. MANY of them had the exact same fears as you. They had built lives together with their spouses, bought property, had children, etc.

I say this to you in all honesty, NOT ONE of them has later regretted divorcing their spouse. Not one of them. For those that tried to hang on and ended up divorced the most common thing they say is "I should have done it much sooner." Be brave. Consult an attorney. They've been there and they can calm all your fears.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not enough "like" buttons for this. 



NobodySpecial said:


> Don't get distracted by the gender BS. There are plenty of alpha men who have kinks. The issue is that YOURS is also a JERK who does not care about YOU.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Lillian12 said:


> How do i know others won't be like this?


My first thought was why did you ever agree to this? Your husband is a cuckold of some sort. The vast majority of guys aren't like this. You just got unlucky. If my wife ever told me she wanted me to sleep with other women I'd divorce her (not that I think she would ever do this). For one I would interpret it as she doesn't love me so much, and second I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop.....mainly she would want to sleep around too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Lots of people have fantasies. That's fine, it makes life more exciting. Not everyone has the same fantasies. I see nothing wrong with asking your partner about a fantasy, BUT you have to recognize that it may not be something they want to do and to absolutely respect that. 

The internet and porn has increased the visibility of a wide variety of fantasies. The great majority of people are not into hot-wives, but someone who is can find huge numbers of videos, and discussions on the topic and get the impression that its very common. (Its a classic internet "information bubble". 

Once someone has the mistaken idea that their fantasy is common, the can feel frustrated / rejected that their partner turns down this thing that "lots of people" are doing. Its an unreasonable response, but unfortunately it happens.

The great majority of people do NOT want to bring other people into the bedroom, and for those who try it, it often ends very badly. I'm not knocking the small minority of couples for whom this works - please enjoy yourselves, but for most people its a bad idea. 

It was OK for him to ask, but he absolutely should have accepted your initial rejection.


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

Lillian12 said:


> My husband brought up trying this new fetish out. I have never been the type to sleep around, and I was perfectly happy with monogamy. I was living in my bubble thinking my marriage was great. He told me he was happy but wanted more. So after a few months of him not giving it a rest I agreed. I tried it and tried to make myself like it. I wanted to be the woman he wants. During this time he was all over me and I loved it. I loved the husband he was, he was surprising me all the time, cuddling, getting sweet I love you letters. But when I finally had enough of him asking when, where I was going to try to meet a new guy, I blew up and confessed I hated sleeping around. I tried to "fake it til you make it" .
> After everything I can't see him in the same light. I have tried so hard to get my husband back, but all I can see is him asking what the other guy did and how he did it and my husband trying to be like him. In my eyes that's weak. I feel like he isn't the "alpha" even though that fetish was suppose to make him even more the alpha, supposedly.
> Has anyone else gone through this? I love him and don't want to lose him, but at the same time he showed me who he really was as long as I was doing what he wanted. Advice on saving my marriage??


I have lots of questions about this situation. First, did you view him as 'alpha' before the hotwifing thing started? Or, did your view of him change when you realized how much of a kink his was for him?

Was there ever any indication by you (either during the act, or after) that you actually liked it? What I mean is, does your husband get the impression that you actually did get off on it and you're dealing with post event embarrassment? For instance, if you had a sexual experience with one of these other partners that was beyond what your husband has ever experienced with you, perhaps he's thinking he's giving you a better sexual experience, somehow?

Honestly, this is very complicated and I think counseling is in order. My thoughts are that by entertaining the idea and doing it, it may have brought about new issues in the marriage that weren't there before. Have you told him flat out: " I don't want to sleep with anonymous else. You are who I want, and you give me everything I desire. Everything else makes be feel worse and I don't enjoy it". If you can convince him that this is really how you feel, maybe it would help. I think he's a **** who has confidence issues and probably has feelings of inadequacy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't get how the beta/alpha male argument fits into all this. Her husband wanted sexual gratification for a particular kink, and the price of admission was his wife's body. And she allowed it to take place. 

OP is as to blame for this as her husband. It is her body, to do with as she will, and she should have told him to go to hell...and then divorced his sorry, pathetic, perverted ass.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> It was OK for him to ask, but he absolutely should have accepted your initial rejection.


It might be OK for some people, but defiantly not everyone. Just asking can do some serious damage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The alpha/beta argument is ancillary to the core issue. The issue is that we have a husband and wife who both lack respect. He doesn't respect her and she doesn't respect herself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steve2.0 said:


> I dont disagree here at all.. but when talking sexual fantasies and fetishes... * its a blurry line for respect*. Some (women) think a facial is disrespectful and some dont.... What is a turn on for one (not disrespectful) can be a turn off for another.
> 
> Now, sharing your wife with another man is extreme BUT if he finds its a turn on I dont think respect has even crossed his mind.


Agreed. But in this instance her first reaction was to reject the idea. But he persisted and she relented because she wanted to get him off her back about it. She should not have done that. She should kept her self-respect and stood her ground. When he wouldn't let up, she should have slapped him with a divorce petition. 

We give our self worth away...no one takes it away from us.

P.S.: and I have been listening to this alpha/beta argument for the last five years that I've been on this forum. I am still unconvinced of the validity of these distinctions. The way I see it you are either an asset or liability to the people in your life. That's all it boils down to. How tough and cool and badass you think you are or try to act has nothing to do with your success at relationships or in life.


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## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

I know I was wrong in going along with it, but he seemed so into it and kept on until I gave in. I mean as I wife I'm suppose to do everything I can to make my husband happy. Yes even if that means putting my feelings aside. I grew up with a divorced family and swore I would never to that to my child, even though my parents were never hateful towards one another. I'm just lost right now in figuring out what's best for me and my kid


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have been associated with the divorce industry for now many years. In my experience, I have yet to see a marriage wherein this occurred, that has survived. At best, it changes the dynamic, and at worst, I have seen this blow up and destroy two if not more families. I have little understanding as to why a man would put his wife into this patent danger. Each so called hotwife scenario involves voyeurism and to a very great extent it is sadistic.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And to @Lillian12 , you need to get your husband into a psychologist or psychiatrist for evaluation. Be sure to tell the therapist what you have been going through.

After your husband has been evaluated, and perhaps diagnosed, you have to decide if you can live with the results.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Taxman said:


> I have been associated with the divorce industry for now many years.


Which is why you see the couples for whom their kink experiences failed.

Why is the fact that a male is into kink the key factor in this thread vs THIS husband is a jerk and does not care for his wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillian12 said:


> My husband brought up trying this new fetish out. I have never been the type to sleep around, and I was perfectly happy with monogamy. I was living in my bubble thinking my marriage was great. He told me he was happy but wanted more. So after a few months of him not giving it a rest I agreed. I tried it and tried to make myself like it. I wanted to be the woman he wants. During this time he was all over me and I loved it. I loved the husband he was, he was surprising me all the time, cuddling, getting sweet I love you letters. But when I finally had enough of him asking when, where I was going to try to meet a new guy, I blew up and confessed I hated sleeping around. I tried to "fake it til you make it" .
> After everything I can't see him in the same light. I have tried so hard to get my husband back, but all I can see is him asking what the other guy did and how he did it and my husband trying to be like him. In my eyes that's weak. I feel like he isn't the "alpha" even though that fetish was suppose to make him even more the alpha, supposedly.
> Has anyone else gone through this? I love him and don't want to lose him, but at the same time he showed me who he really was as long as I was doing what he wanted. Advice on saving my marriage??


Cases like yours are interesting as the reasons that a man might ask his wife to do this could be many fold.

1) it turns him on as it seems to do your husband
2) he is cheating, or wants to cheat, so by getting his wife to be with other men he can then opening cheat and throw her being with other men in her fact.
3) he's looking for a way to get an upper hand in divorce

Sometimes it's all 3. None of them are a good.

I don't know the laws where you live, but you need to find out. In many places if the spouse knew about the infidelity but then willingly engaged in sex with their cheating spouse, then the court considers that forgiveness and the infidelity charge cannot be used in divorce.

Do you have any proof that your husband has asked you to have sex with other men? Do you have any texts or emails? If not, I suggest that you start texting him or emailing him about it, maybe in light hearted way, so that you have some proof. but be careful about you admitting in any written form that you did this.

Things like a text "Honey, why do you want me to have sex with other men?" Or other leading comments.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> And to @Lillian12 , you need to get your husband into a psychologist or psychiatrist for evaluation. Be sure to tell the therapist what you have been going through.
> 
> After your husband has been evaluated, and perhaps diagnosed, you have to decide if you can live with the results.


From

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/sexual-masochism-disorder

"Sexual masochism disorder falls under the psychiatric sexual disorders category of paraphilic disorders, which refer to* recurrent, intense*, sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors *that are distressing or disabling* and have the potential to cause harm to oneself or others. Sexual masochism refers to engaging in or frequently fantasizing about being beaten, bound, humiliated, or otherwise made to suffer, resulting in sexual satisfaction. If people with this sexual preference also report psychological or social problems as a result, they may be diagnosed with sexual masochism disorder.

The type of distress that people with this disorder may experience includes* severe anxiety, guilt, shame, and obsessive thoughts* about engaging in sexual masochism. If a person has a masochistic sexual interest but experiences no distress and is able to meet other personal goals, then they would not be diagnosed as having a disorder."

Emphasis mine. I am not seeing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STOP the thread jack discussion about the hot wife fetish, alpha, beta, nonsense.

If you are going to post on this thread, address the OP and her concerns.

{Speaking as a moderator - Elegirl}


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## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

Glad to hear that there are couples like you out there!


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## GuyFromDK (Feb 28, 2018)

Maybe I should clarify a few things. To engage in hotwifing doesn't necessarily lead to marriage destruction, lots of couples enjoy it with great success. I know many couples who have done it for 30 or more years, but of course I also know couples for whom it meant the destruction of their marriage. 

The husbands who engage in it are absolutely not weak, they are exactly like any other husband, in fact they probably treat their wives better than the average husband in normal marriages do. The reason for this is partly that a hotwife husband's wife for him is the sexual center of the world, the hottest thing he can imagine, and partly that he feels that he needs to step up his game to make sure she stays with him.

To make hotwifing (and cuckolding) work, there must be trust and absolute honesty, the communication between the spouses must be excellent and they must want to do it for the right reasons. It almost never works if she only does it to satisfy his fantasies, she must want it because it turns her on (This is where it went wrong for you, Lillian12). And most important, the main reason to engage in it must be that both spouses feel it can spice up their marital sex life, not replace it. 

Hotwifing can not repair a bad marriage, instead it will destroy it very quickly, it only works in very strong marriages. 

It is a sexual kink, nothing else, the people who engage in it live normal everyday lives with kids, family and work.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I realize that there are couples out there who probably are ok in this lifestyle. The fact is that I do see less than happy couples. This is not a regular occurrence, but is frequent enough to lead me to my conclusion based only on empirial evidence and not on any studies. It would be interesting to see studies on this. As with most psycho-sexual studies, the results have always been surprising. Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson, certainly uncovered an awful lot of unspoken and secret lives.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Lots of people have fantasies. That's fine, it makes life more exciting. Not everyone has the same fantasies. I see nothing wrong with asking your partner about a fantasy, BUT you have to recognize that it may not be something they want to do and to absolutely respect that.
> 
> The internet and porn has increased the visibility of a wide variety of fantasies. The great majority of people are not into hot-wives, but someone who is can find huge numbers of videos, and discussions on the topic and get the impression that its very common. (Its a classic internet "information bubble".
> 
> ...



I would echo the above in that a sexual fantasy does not necessarily have to become a reality. In fact unless the sexual fantasy is really acceptable to both, it should not be turned into reality. There are ways of role playing that can create the illusion of the 3-some with just the married couple. Something like that might have allowed both the OP and her husband to explore the fantasy without all the negative consequences.



Lillian12 said:


> I know I was wrong in going along with it, but he seemed so into it and kept on until I gave in. I mean as I wife I'm suppose to do everything I can to make my husband happy. Yes even if that means putting my feelings aside. I grew up with a divorced family and swore I would never to that to my child, even though my parents were never hateful towards one another. I'm just lost right now in figuring out what's best for me and my kid


You do need to figure out what is best for you and your child. That is your first priority. Now that the fantasy has become a reality you can't regain the respect for your marriage and your H that you earlier had. That was an unintended risk that has also turned into reality.

Now as to what to do next. That is really up to you. Your "historic" marriage has been shattered, it is over. The question is through marriage counseling and change on the part of your H can the two of you rebuild a different marriage that will work for both of you or has too much damage been done to be repaired. That is only a question you and you H can answer.

If too much damage has been done, then divorce him and move on. 

Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

To me I see 3 reasons for this fantasy.

1. The guy grew up on porn and wants his wife to be a porn star. This is because he grew up having his primary sexual experiences by watching women have sex with other men so that has become his goto way to experience his sexuality. That being using his had while watching someone have sex with women. Doesn't seem healthy to me.

2. It's about power, sexual power and control. What greater control and power can you have over a person than to get them to offer their body and sexuality to another person, when the have no real desire to do so. In this case it is similar to a pimp but we all know what a pimp is. In this case it's supposed to be the person who loves you that does this to you. Not so nice. 

3. The guy has deep seeded fear and is pretty much preemptively staging and acting out his fear in what he thinks is a controlled environment of some sort. 

None of this stuff is good in my mind. If I was the women I wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone like this. This is why that article from the dailybeast is laughable, but typical. How anyone can see this as healthy is beyond me. Leave it to the dailybeast though.

Are there people who can live like this sure, there are people who live their whole lives as alcoholics or who live in abusive relationships as well, that doesn't mean that is a good thing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lillian12 said:


> I know I was wrong in going along with it, but he seemed so into it and kept on until I gave in. I mean as I wife I'm suppose to do everything I can to make my husband happy. Yes even if that means putting my feelings aside.


Who says this? This is just false. What if it was something really immoral such as rape? Besides that as your husband he should push for you to do stuff that makes you unhappy. This is obviously making you unhappy. Personally I think this dynamic you have is abusive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillian12 said:


> I know I was wrong in going along with it, but he seemed so into it and kept on until I gave in. I mean as I wife I'm suppose to do everything I can to make my husband happy. *Yes even if that means putting my feelings aside.*


If he told you that jumping off a cliff would make him happy, would you do it? Of course not.

There are limits to what anyone should do for their spouse. No one is required to emotionally or physically hurt themselves for the enjoyment of their spouse, to make their spouse happy. Where did you get the idea that you are required to do something that is completely against your own boundaries?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If he told you that jumping off a cliff would make him happy, would you do it? Of course not.
> 
> There are limits to what anyone should do for their spouse. No one is required to emotionally or physically hurt themselves for the enjoyment of their spouse, to make their spouse happy. Where did you get the idea that you are required to do something that is completely against your own boundaries?


So true. 

OP maybe you two are just not compatible.


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## GuyFromDK (Feb 28, 2018)

Lillian12, you need to talk to people who knows how to deal with the problems caused by this fetish. I tried to post a link to a place where that's possible, but my post was removed by the moderators. I suggest you search for hotwife forum on Google, it will lead you in the right direction.

The problem is that it's very difficult to advice about a fetish if you don't have it yourself. People in normal marriages often see it as crazy and disgusting, and they tend to treat it like infidelity. It's understandable, in a normal marriage these things are unacceptable, and people most often give advice from their own experience and perspective.

You need to understand that your husband isn't weak because he has this fetish. He sees you as the ultimate sex goddess, you are simply the center of his sexual universe. His behavior with love letters and cuddling is very normal, this is part of what normally makes the hotwife marriage stronger, but it only works if both spouses are into the fetish. 

The fact that you are doing it only because it turns him on, not because you enjoy sex with other men, will probably kill his desire for hotwifing with you as soon as he understands that you really feel that way. The hotwife has to lust for it, and be naughty enough to do it, that's what drives it for him - it is a mind game.

The first thing you and your husband need to do is to stop hotwifing, and then you need talk to each other. You have to be 100% open about how you feel, and try to keep it calm - fighting about it won't help. Don't try to protect his feelings, be honest about how you feel. And you probably need to find a kink friendly councelor to help you deal with your feelings.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Still can’t understand how a husband that loves his wife is willing to turn her into another mans *****.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> When you two divorce do you have any proof that he asked you to sleep with other men.Otherwise he can claim serial infidelity on your part.
> Any man who encourages his wife to sleep with other men needs his ass kicked every day.
> And twice on Sundays!


And any woman who compromises herself like this needs the same.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Guys really do this stuff? They ASK their wives to sleep with other men and beg them to let them watch or listen?

I mean in all seriousness that I would rather put a bullet in my head. I don't understand it at all, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

OP, if I were you, I really would divorce this man because he clearly has psychological issues that YOU have allowed to put your health at risk already. Your mental health is also suffering apparently.

I suggest you divorce and find a man that thinks the same way you do about monogamy.
You sound like a woman that needs a man who would never consider sharing his wife.
Jmo.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lillian12 said:


> Glad to hear that there are couples like you out there!


Lillian I hope you find the answers you need here. I can’t blame you for losing respect for your husband. I also don’t believe a relationship can last with out respecting the one you’re with. 

If I get it right your husband is taking it out on you sense you won’t play along anymore. You really need to decide if he is still the man you married or not. Then if you can stay married to him.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Guys really do this stuff? They ASK their wives to sleep with other men and beg them to let them watch or listen?
> 
> I mean in all seriousness that I would rather put a bullet in my head. I don't understand it at all, and it makes me sick to my stomach.


Yes. My wife is relentless about having me do it with other, especially younger girls. 

I don't understand the lack of empathy. I would never have gay sex. But I don't tell gays how sick they are and how it makes me ill to think about it. I don't make up pop-psychology narratives about what it all "means". Some people like anchovies on pizza. Some don't. You can wax eloquent about how anchovy fans "really" want to feel fish squirming around in their stomach, or they really want to swim in the ocean instead of walk on land. But they just like the taste and it's no deeper than that. 

The problems arise when one person is driven to do something they truly abhor, and that appears to be the case here. I don't do everything my wife wants me to do.


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## GuyFromDK (Feb 28, 2018)

Like I said earlier, if you don't have the fetish, it's difficult to understand it.

Most often it works like this:
The husband has fantasies about his wife having sex with another man, which in fact is one of the most common male fantasies, and at some point he mention it to his wife, often in a sexual situation. In most cases, she gets shocked or even mad, and tells him that he's enough for her, and that she definitely doesn't want to have sex with other men. But because the fantasy of having sex with a stranger is one of the most common female fantasies, many women find them selves being curious about it, and starts fantasizing.

At some point, if both the husband and wife finds the fantasies arousing, they start playing with it in bed while having sex. Role plays where they play out the fantasies. This can be very exciting, and after some time, the thought of doing it for real starts to emerge. They start talking about it outside of the bed, making rules for how it can be done without destroying their marriage. Both are aware that it can go wrong, but they are doing it together and they are certain that they can handle it. All of this creates a very strong bond between the spouses - they feel like partners in crime.

The "doing it for real" part is where it becomes more difficult. It's impossible to know in advance how you'll react to it, you can think it through all you want, but in real life it's just different. Maybe the guy she is with is a lousy sex partner, maybe everything is so awkward that it turns her off, maybe his tool is either to small or too big, maybe he's just a jerk. And the husband may find himself totally freaked out, absolutely not aroused and not able to even touch her again ever - the fact that he asked her to do it doesn't mean anything at all.

But most often, if the couple gets as far as to doing it for real, it will work out fine if they stick to their rules, and they will love it. It will enhance their sex life together and make their bond even stronger. He will cherish her and treat her like a queen, his love for her becomes much stronger. The same happens for her, she not only gets to have hot sex with exciting new partners, she also has a spouse who treats her like a queen and loves her more than anything.

Of course there is a risk of her falling in love with another man, but if they stick to the rules they have agreed on, they will stop the connection before it gets serious. It happens, but rarely - just like in normal marriages. Another thing that can happen is what Lillian12 experienced, she can loose respect for her husband. This normally only happens if she, like Lillian12, is not really into it, and only does it for him or if it becomes an obsession for the husband, so normal sex no longer turns him on.

For those who are into it, and if they do it right, hotwifing is fun and very exciting, it takes the marital sexlife to new and unseen hights, it creates a very strong bond and it makes a good marriage even better. The trick is to not overdo it, and just keep it as a fun and naughty hobby meant to enhance the marriage.

It works best for couples who have been together long enough to have a strong bond before they start, often +10 years or more, and only if the marriage is very strong - any marital problems will be magnified tenfold and to introduce hotwifing will destroy the marriage quickly.

In reality it's much like swinging and other types of open relationships. It only works if both spouses wants it and they rely on 100% honesty and good communication between the spouses. There are no evidence of a high divorce rate among people in open relationships, in fact some statistics points towards a higher rate among people in monogamous relationship. 

And yes, my wife is a hotwife - we have a lot of fun with this game. We only do it a few time every year, this makes it more exciting when it happens and we don't want it to overtake our sex life - we like to have normal sex most of the time. And we like the reversed version too - so I get to try a new woman from time to time too :smile2:


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

GuyFromDK said:


> Like I said earlier, if you don't have the fetish, it's difficult to understand it.
> 
> ...snipping for brevity...


Well done, sir. 

I'm about to board a plane to my mistress. My wife has been a dream this last week, although with fits of jealousy in-between. I have been pumped to empty, sheesh. But it's been cooking fantastic meals, serving me like a King - just amazing. I told her how wise she was, because it is true. The mistress is a 19 year old hottie, but that's all she's got. The wife blows the doors off the mistress in so many other departments. 

I made quite a bit of money working really hard and she got her jewelry bonus plus a vacation. Plus having me as a sex slave this last week, my god. 

It's not for everyone. Even though it has really high "highs", there are some speed bumps. Adventure is never without suffering. That's why most people watch television instead of hunting alligators.

But I really liked the way you described the whole process. It was similar to ours and a big surprise to me that my wife had these fantasies about me doing younger girls.


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## Lillian12 (Feb 25, 2018)

I understand how guys can get into this. We did the research before. I think with us it hurt when he said he was bored with "us" meaning me, and tells me about how he almost cheated on me but he read about this and wanted to try it. I said no. But he tried told playing in bed and it was even a turn off then. And I told him I couldn't do it. But after a month or 2 I gave in. The guy o was with was actually really good in bed and was a really nice guy. The problem was he wasn't my husband. I was ok with it still at this point, my husband got to where that's all he wanted to talk about. I was willing to to it may be a few times a year but this was way to much. 
Now he knows I don't want to but I also don't want him to touch me. I feel like I'm not good enough for him since he was bored to begin with. I feel like we are stuck to a point where he wants more than me and will not be happy with what I offer him.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

One can debate this subject in many ways but this isn’t even a Hotwife thing
- you are in an abusive relationship with your husband
- there is literally no way in hell that a link like this spices up anything in an already-hiring marriage


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## GuyFromDK (Feb 28, 2018)

Lillian12 said:


> I understand how guys can get into this. We did the research before. I think with us it hurt when he said he was bored with "us" meaning me, and tells me about how he almost cheated on me but he read about this and wanted to try it. I said no. But he tried told playing in bed and it was even a turn off then. And I told him I couldn't do it. But after a month or 2 I gave in. The guy o was with was actually really good in bed and was a really nice guy. The problem was he wasn't my husband. I was ok with it still at this point, my husband got to where that's all he wanted to talk about. I was willing to to it may be a few times a year but this was way to much.
> Now he knows I don't want to but I also don't want him to touch me. I feel like I'm not good enough for him since he was bored to begin with. I feel like we are stuck to a point where he wants more than me and will not be happy with what I offer him.


It's very clear that you weren't into it it at all from the beginning, and that you felt you had to do it to satisfy his needs. Of course that was a mistake, but it's easy to keep saying that afterwards, and it won't do anyone any good to focus on that. The focus has to be on how you go on from here.

First of all, according to what you said earlier, you still love him and want to stay with him if possible. This is good, it means you feel that the relationship appart from the sex-issues is good and worth saving. So it's all about finding out how you can deal with what happened, and what to do in the future.

Let me ask you, you said that the sex with the other guy wasn't so bad, the only thing that was wrong was, that he wasn't your husband - this indicates that you actually enjoyed it, is that correct? Then, afterwards when you got home, I would assume that you had sex with your husband - how was that, did you enjoy it? 

The reason I'm asking these questions is, that I'm trying to find out what it is that turns you off - is it the moral issues (you were taught that this is wrong), the sexual issues (you don't enjoy having sex with people you are not in love with) or did he just overdo it?

How was your sex life before this started - who took the initiative to having sex and did you try out new things sometimes or was it the same procedure every time?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lillian12 said:


> I understand how guys can get into this. We did the research before. I think with us it hurt when he said he was bored with "us" meaning me,


OUCH. 



> and tells me about how he almost cheated on me but he read about this and wanted to try it. I said no. But he tried told playing in bed and it was even a turn off then. And I told him I couldn't do it. But after a month or 2 I gave in. The guy o was with was actually really good in bed and was a really nice guy. The problem was he wasn't my husband. I was ok with it still at this point, my husband got to where that's all he wanted to talk about. I was willing to to it may be a few times a year but this was way to much.
> Now he knows I don't want to but I also don't want him to touch me. I feel like I'm not good enough for him since he was bored to begin with. I feel like we are stuck to a point where he wants more than me and will not be happy with what I offer him.


Quadruple OUCH. Does he have any interest AT ALL in what YOU want or are you just a sexual avenue for him to pass through? He does not sound like a prince.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

First of all you shouldn’t be having sex with others if you aren’t even enjoying it! Second he is living a cuckold fantasy - more than you are a hot wife..if you can do it with others when he is also involved would that be better, worse, or same for you? I agree he is exploiting you, vs proving you with sexual fun and play for your benefit too...stop.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I like the fantasy idea of watching my wife with another but never without me there and never unless she was super excited about the whole thing! I also realize that the reality is NOT the fantasy....so we stick with the fantasy...once in a while not all the time....just for fun. Sending my wife off with another man in reality makes me very ill and angry to even consider .


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am not saying that this is irreparable as a marriage. This is one fetish that he got into, no judgment. 

But it is odd that he thinks he is so open-minded and kinky and yet he violated all the basic, the most basic rule. YOU BOTH HAVE TO WANT IT. 

For OP, if you are a person that is just into monogamy, and there is not one thing wrong with that, the you may have to divorce if he cannot get himself into a different head space about all of this. 

Overall, he sound kind of childish and selfish about sex in general. 

Are you open to any of this? Are you open to threesomes, swinging, of some other side of this street? If so maybe you guys can get into that. 

But, if you are not into any of it, then that has to stop and he has to accept that and if necessary get help for it. 

My GF is strictly mono, and I am fine with that. I don't need that variety any more, I would not mind it is some situations, but that is not her. I have had the variety and SHE is the most important thing to me. Now, our sex life is GREAT, and continues to improve, esp for her as she tries new things and gets more comfortable with her sexuality and continues to grow in that. 

So I am cool. But then I would be cool with a lot of other things if she wanted that, but for me, I don't want anything to change the current relationship in any way.


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