# Polf



## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

Anyone experience the Plane of Lethal Flatness? How did you get through it? Are you still going through it?
I'm not sure if that's what I'm experiencing or if it's my anti-depressants. 
Basically, I don't care. I just. Don't. Care.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Find something. One thing. For me? It used to be to make my bed. That simple. Accomplish something, and revel in it.

Accomplish enough things and soon your life starts to look like a party.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Set realistic goals, start small. Also staying active helped. Hit the gym.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I actually started working out and loved it! Then I had surgery and I'm still two weeks away from being able to work out again. I actually LOVE lifting weights-who knew!?

What's weird? My husbands family's dog died tonight. They've had him for 18 years and we've been together for 13. We've lived with his family for the past year. Everyone was crying and saying good bye. I didn't cry at all. It was very sad. But I had no ability to cry. I feel like a sociopath or something.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

From what I read about your situation, I think it may have something to do with grief. You were at about the year and a half point after D-Day when your husband's opiate addiction situation blew up. And now there is another loss. (Most of us animal lovers agree that a pet is pretty much a member of the family.) That's 3 significant losses in your life. You've been practically overwhelmed by grief. And grief taps into grief.

It's exhausting, and it drains you.

And you're never "done" grieving a loss. A loss is always something that's gone - it's just that with the passage of time and some "grief work" (processing it), we heal and make some sense of the loss and that "kick to the solar plexus" feeling that we had initially begins to soften and it stings less - more of an ache, and less constant. But you didn't have time to heal much from the first loss before the second one hit. And by the time the dog died, you were pretty depleted.

Not to mention the traumatic aspect of being betrayed - throw that into the hopper too. Infidelity experts like Shirley Glass (in her book NOT Just Friends) describe what we go through as a combination of grief and trauma. You have that going on as well. They used to call it "shell shock" in soldiers, some of whom had a bit of a dazed look. When I'm triggering, I bet I look like I'm in a daze - thoughts going to bad places, feeling lost and abandoned by the man I thought was my rock and my best friend in the world. (I don't mean to imply we have actual diagnosable PTSD, because nobody died and no life was threatened, but we HAVE experienced trauma that activates physiological responses in much the same way that PTSD does.)

I don't think I could get through this without a skilled counselor who knows a lot about trauma. Our marriage counselor has background in PTSD AND infidelity so that helps a lot. Grief also comes up in our sessions, so it's understood that that's part of this process as well. 

I think in your case, it's the grief that may be overwhelming you now. If you could talk to someone about your losses - I suspect the first two are probably the most draining - that might help. A burden shared is a burden halved.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

As I tell my clients, force yourself to do something (as was suggested). Go to bed by 11 and get up at 8. Go out for a cup of coffee. If you want to spend the rest of the day in bed, OK, but get your arse up at 8, go out in the morning. It will be a start.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

So a counselor may be in order? I'm on anti-depressants but I don't feel any better. I know I changed after I found out about the affair. The way I look at him and my life has changed. I don't like him as a person and I think that that is also hindering my happiness. I wish things were back to normal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pinkslippers said:


> So a counselor may be in order? I'm on anti-depressants but I don't feel any better. I know I changed after I found out about the affair. The way I look at him and my life has changed. I don't like him as a person and I think that that is also hindering my happiness. I wish things were back to normal.


Counsellor? That's a good idea. They can be of great help.

Might be worth having your anti-depressants changed or the dosage modified.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Counseling is a good idea, but I would caution you about individual therapy. I found this on the website for the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapy:

_Individual therapy may undermine more marriages than even poor couples therapy. Because relationship problems are the main problem people bring to individual therapists, individual therapists are treating marriages whether or not they realize it. Unless the therapist has values that support marriage and is careful not to turn the non-present partner into a villain, individual therapy can undermine a marriage. Every experienced marriage therapist has heard these stories: a spouse goes into individual therapy, receives support for a one-sided view of the marriage problems, and becomes increasingly pessimistic about the marriage. The therapist then questions why the person stays in an obviously bad marriage. The other spouse is clueless that the marriage is unraveling in therapy, and is not informed until it is too late. These therapists do not intend harm, but often their orientation is to the personal happiness of their individual client who is distressed in a marriage, without enough regard for the welfare of the other spouse…._

In other words, if you're not careful about who you select for your counselor, you could end up getting someone who will counsel you right out of your marriage. If you use the search function on the above mentioned website, they provide referrals to individual therapists who subscribe to their ethical standards: professionals who are careful NOT to turn the non-present partner into a "villain."

Another option is a support group like Nar-Anon, for families of drug addicts. You can't deal with the other issues there, but it would provide in-person support and relief of some of your burden. Even though your H resists going to groups for addicts, there's a remote possibility that your going to a family group for awhile might open his mind a little bit to reconsidering it, especially if you speak highly of your group and he sees changes in you that make life at home better all the way around. (If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!)


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I agree with hopefulgirl it's the grief that may be overwhelming you. I understand this very well. I was just recovering from my 4th or 5th surgery at the time of D Day. WH ended up in jail that same day for putting his hands on me. I had to step up, run the business alone. Then DA hit us with max penalties and would not work with me about what I wanted to do to help my family. Then the DA lied to me. WTF? in my face another person we are suppose to be able to trust does this to me? Another betrayal as I see it. WH comes home. Thanksgiving my ex passes away and I am responsibility for all his stuff etc. December I bury him. on the 6th my girlfriend on the 8th, on the 10th I go in for another surgery. The new year takes my Bengal cat who gets outside because one of the 3 grand-kids that lives with us forgets the door, March another cat is hit and killed. The list goes on, such is life however I can't get past one issue before getting hit with another so I seem to be always depressive and grieving. It does drain you emotionally and physically the stress wears you out taking with it your health.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

How long have you been on your antidepressant? It can take awhile before it kicks in. If you've been on it for several weeks maybe you need to talk to your doc about the dose. Not being able to cry and feeling "flat" and like you just don't care suggests that you're overwhelmed, and that's not good. You're really just existing. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this.

If you had any interest in trying to save your marriage (but it sounds like you're really just hanging in there until the kids are older), I'd suggest a good marriage counselor who has experience in dealing with infidelity. (I can't believe what a difference it's made for us, and when we have to skip a week, I notice the difference!) 

But since it sounds like that's not your goal, it's true that a good individual counselor for yourself would be better than trying to get through all this without the support of a skilled professional. I do strongly urge you to search for one (using the website I mentioned in my previous post) who is "marriage friendly" or else you could end up being more miserable while you wait it out, living with him for however long you plan to try to stay. The wrong kind of counselor could have you feeling even WORSE about him than you do already!

[Side note to jupiter13 - so sorry you've been through SO much. That's a lot of losses and betrayal!]


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