# Broken



## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I'm not even sure where to start. I found this website while searching for a way to cope with what I'm feeling. 
My story unlike others is very complicated. 
I met my husband 6 years ago, we both worked for the same company and he was attracted to me and after just two dates he wanted a relationship. After dating for 6 months, i found out he wasn't legal in the country, so of course i offered and we got married.
No one knew but him and his family since i was only 23 at the time and i knew my parents wouldn't approve. 
So for my parents, i've been engaged for 6 years, for his parents and family i've been married for 4. 
Everytime i bring up a real wedding and for him to do right by me, it's always the same excuse, "we can't afford it" or "i'm the only one working". It's always the same sad excuses every time.
In Sept, he admitted cheating on me with a woman at work, said it's been going on for 4 months. I called her and told her that he was married, which he never told her. I found dirty pics on his laptop and videos.
Now his conditional green card is expired and this month is the last month to send additional paperwork to remove the conditional and make it a permanent green card. Part of me want to cancel the petition, the other part of me wants him to have his papers.
I'm more than hurt, i feel betrayed, stupid. I'm not sure how i will tell my parents, i feel like they need to know the truth. I do want to forgive my husband, but it's just too much to take. How could he do this to me? Everyday i'm finding out more about the affair and he even slept with her in our bed. My parents are aware of the affair, but at this point they deserve to know the whole truth. 
I married this man because i loved him and wanted us to have a family, but i've been blind and stupid. How can someone be so cruel???


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im sorry you are here.

Reading your story it makes me wonder if he set out to get with you with the sole intent of getting his green card?

There are tons of people here illegally, I wouldnt bother to do the paperwork for him, if he is illegal its just a chance he's going to have to take. He owes it to you for making him "legal", I hope he wasnt using you!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Get rid of him. He is using you.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

How can someone be so cruel?
We did not know his intentions from the start.

The question should be how much are you willing to take?
The premise of my argument is that this relationship was improperly founded, how do you expect it to work? He probably did not have an ulterior motive at start, but at face value he probably lied to himself that he could be faithful but found an opportunity where he didn't need to be and could just keep it a secret.

Don't beat yourself up because its not your fault. Make him move out.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, you need to think long and hard about what you want. First, do you seriously want to try to reconcile? If so, you need to make sure - quickly - that he is remorseful and wants to R as well. If you find out early that you are doing most of the work during R, then it's a no go and you need to see this for what it is - him using you to get permanent legal status. It sounds like he pushed for a relationship extremely hard from the beginning. Am I right?

If you have access to his computer, see if you can find how far back these nude photos and naughty letters/e-mails go back. If it's to the beginning of your marriage (or before even), then you need to do what you have to do. 

I know what it looks like to me, but you need to dig into this and figure it out soon. You know better than us what he's really like.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

That same night after he admitted to cheating, he picked her up from work and they made out in the car, so she told me. 
I found those pics and videos in a separate email he created for his car club. He changed his passwords for both FB and personal email.
I've actually moved back to my parents, and he says he wants to reconcile, but deep down i don't believe him. I don't feel like he is trying hard enough, he even told me he's confused right, he loves us both and he needs some time.....
I mean i know what i'm supposed to do, i do love him, but I'm no idiot. 
I'm just hurt and it stings, bad.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is what happens when you get married for something other than love, respect and admiration. The values just aren't there.

Do NOT give him his papers. Divorce him and move on - you sound young. Tell your family the truth and lean on them for support as you go through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I do not think he was using you. Not consciously. And, for what it's worth, I do not think he set out to cheat on you. Cheat on you before his green card became permanent? That doesn't seem likely, does it?

However, he is *still *a cheater and must have consequences of his actions.

Is this the first time he cheated? Or the first you know of?


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

The first time he's done it. We were always together, done everything together. 
I'm not even sure why he cheated, our sex life was great, or so i thought. We came back from vacation in June and he literally changed right after that, we spent the whole vacation arguing, but who doesn't argue. 
I knew things were different when he would come home and just go straight to bed, not touching me and all. This is a man once i look at him he gets aroused in a matter of second. 
Now I've had many occasions to cheat on my husband, but i honestly never pay them any mind. I love my husband and that was that. I see how man look at me, i'm aware of the fact that i'm attractive, but that's just looks. 
He ruined my trust in people, how am i going to look at my parents after this?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Think about what you are saying. If this was a friend coming to you with the same problem what would you have told them?

You need to play hardball with him right now. Did you consider he could have given you an STD. 

Tell your parents everything and do it right now. Then tick that off the check sheet and deal with his BS


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I want to smile again said:


> The first time he's done it. We were always together, done everything together.
> I'm not even sure why he cheated, our sex life was great, or so i thought. We came back from vacation in June and he literally changed right after that, we spent the whole vacation arguing, but who doesn't argue.
> I knew things were different when he would come home and just go straight to bed, not touching me and all. This is a man once i look at him he gets aroused in a matter of second.
> Now I've had many occasions to cheat on my husband, but i honestly never pay them any mind. I love my husband and that was that. I see how man look at me, i'm aware of the fact that i'm attractive, but that's just looks.
> He ruined my trust in people, how am i going to look at my parents after this?


Your parents love you, so they'll be there for you, no matter what.

Do you want to reconcile with your husband? If so, you need marriage counselling with a tough love councillor who will tell it straight to your husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I want to smile again said:


> That same night after he admitted to cheating, he picked her up from work and they made out in the car, so she told me.
> I found those pics and videos in a separate email he created for his car club. He changed his passwords for both FB and personal email.
> I've actually moved back to my parents, and he says he wants to reconcile, but deep down i don't believe him. I don't feel like he is trying hard enough, he even told me he's confused right, he loves us both and he needs some time.....
> I mean i know what i'm supposed to do, i do love him, but I'm no idiot.
> I'm just hurt and it stings, bad.


He has shown what he values, and it isn't you. Sorry, but that's the truth.

End the relationship and pull his green card. He betrayed you not once, but twice when he went and had sex with her that night. That was him hitting you and hurting you. That was him ending his right to your support and loyalty.

He's abandoned the marriage. You ending his green card is just cleaning up the detritus of his choices.

Of course he now feels bad, he realizes now he screwed you over and himself too at the same time, if you give him the green card he will simply dump you 5 min afterward to go be with her.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

The lies just keep piling up, I asked her to leave him alone so we can figure out what the hell is going on, i found out last week she got back in my car two days after i nicely talk to her.
Thank You for your feedback, please keep replying and i'll update you guys.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You know what you have to do. You are lucky that you don't have kids.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

Warlock07: i know, it's just too much for me to take. It happened so fast and each day i'm learning more about the relationship.
I feel like crap, i wish i could bug his phone to monitor his convos and text messages.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I want to smile again said:


> Warlock07: i know, it's just too much for me to take. It happened so fast and each day i'm learning more about the relationship.
> I feel like crap, i wish i could bug his phone to monitor his convos and text messages.


He is still cheating even after he confessed ? 

How did he come about confessing the first time ? Was he forced to or did he do it out of guilt ?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you need to do any sleuthing. Just let him go. Retract the petition and divorce him. You're too young to have your entire life defined by this.

I know you love him, but he's not a good man. You deserve to find a good man.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

Warlock: He came to me one day and told me. I lied and said it was just sexual and that he's sorry. But that same night he picked her up from work and they had sex in my truck.

When i called her, she told me she wasn't aware that he was married, i asked her to stay away from him and she agreed.
But things weren't adding me, he's always with this so called best friend, i found many pictures from his laptop and he changed his email and fb password.

Just tonight, i was going over the phone bill, i found out they're still talking and he confessed to me that he's been seeing her and now it's really over. He had the nerve to cry and told me he loves me and will spend the rest of his life fighting for us.

So i asked him to give me the password to his phone, he refused. We spent 40 minutes going at it, he wouldn't give me the password.Turns out when i called the girl, she also broke down and said she felt guilty and that it was over...when they had sex 2 weeks ago....so fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me.
At this point, it's just too much for me. This whole mess is wayyyy too much for me to handle, it's not worth it. I do love him, but i deserve better.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

IW2SA,

If you want to smile again, get rid of him. 

He is using you. Disrespect. Would you like to live with him?

Take care,
AU


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I want to smile again said:


> Warlock: He came to me one day and told me. I lied and said it was just sexual and that he's sorry. But that same night he picked her up from work and they had sex in my truck.
> 
> When i called her, she told me she wasn't aware that he was married, i asked her to stay away from him and she agreed.
> But things weren't adding me, he's always with this so called best friend, i found many pictures from his laptop and he changed his email and fb password.
> ...


He's crying for his green card, not for his marriage.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

malaise said:


> he's crying for his green card, not for his marriage.


*bingo!!*


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he is still talking to her, then you ought to leave him. You don't want an open marriage, right? 

If he loses his green card because of his own choices, that's on him, not on you. Those are the consequences of his actions.

Tell him he has to choose her or you and if he wavers or doesn't cut her out immediately, you should divorce him.

It sounds like you love him and want this to work. The only way it will is if he stops cheating, marries you for real in public, and commits wholeheartedly. Give him only one chance. If he doesn't commit fully, then he is just using you -- even if it didn't start out that way, that's what it has become.

You need to tell your family you are married!!! Four years of bring kept secret? That is shady in so many ways...don't let him disrespect you like this.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

He's not giving you passwords and access to email/fb/phone? This seems to be a guy who appreciates his own ability to be shady - and he doesn't want to give that up.

That is not the act of a remorseful person trying to desperately make amends. It's not.

PS - I bet your family will rally to support you. They'll also blame HIM for the secret, not you (even if you tell them it was your fault, they'll still blame him).


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know if you still think you love him that this is very hard. You want to give him another chance. I've definitely been there.

I'll tell you that I believe, given your story, that you will do the hard work now of breaking from him, or you'll do it later, after he's caused much more heartache. If you do it later, you will have spent more of your life being insecure, upset, and paranoid (and remember, just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you).

You should definitely tell your family and get the benefit of the support and strength that they will give you. If you don't feel alone in this, it will help tremendously.

I suggest looking into an annulment. It might be possible in your case. Consult an immigration lawyer.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> you don't have kids.


This.

From what I have read here, it seems plain enough that you should end this now. Hurts. But every break-up does.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Full transparency is needed for any reconciliation. A decent start to reconciliation is him giving up passwords, begging like a dog on his knees while crying and being honest to what you ask and to what he has done and what he is doing. A better start would be that and no friends, no BNO, no sleeping over at others places, not even his relatives, no co worker after work dinners or lunch or work parties alone w/ out you, no opposite sex friends, no face book access, you get the picture? If you're not getting this than just let the water from the tsunami that just hit you settle and you will be in a more controlled state. Your emotions will rise and fall, anger, love and forgiveness, desperation, hesitation. Keep fighting for yourself first, then see if he is willing to do so before you even start to try to pick up the pieces.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

Thanks everyone, for your feedback. Just like i suspected, the cheating never stop, he never stop to think twice about it and kept lying to me in the process. He became irritated by everything i say and downright nasty. 
In the meantime, I'm going to chemo sessions, got breast cancer and instead of him going with me, he takes his mistress to work instead, in my truck.
While I'm eating raw vegetables and no salt food, he's buying her cashmere sweaters and cheesecake, taking her to nice bars to have white wine and strawberries. Taking pics and loading them on instagram...
I just wanted to update you guys, it's over. I wash my hands. I'm fighting for my life now. Karma is a fickle *****


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You deserve so much better than him... what an ass. I'm so sorry you're going through everything; just know so much more awaits you.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You deserve way better than this sleaze ball.

He pretended to be what you wanted, but lied. I hope you meet someone who is the real thing, once this is all behind you.

Have you filed for divorce?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I want to smile again said:


> Thanks everyone, for your feedback. Just like i suspected, the cheating never stop, he never stop to think twice about it and kept lying to me in the process. He became irritated by everything i say and downright nasty.
> In the meantime, I'm going to chemo sessions, got breast cancer and instead of him going with me, he takes his mistress to work instead, in my truck.
> While I'm eating raw vegetables and no salt food, he's buying her cashmere sweaters and cheesecake, taking her to nice bars to have white wine and strawberries. Taking pics and loading them on instagram...
> I just wanted to update you guys, it's over. I wash my hands. I'm fighting for my life now. Karma is a fickle *****


Im so sorry for everything you are going through. You re right, you deserve better. What a jerk. I will pray for the cancer to leave your body, such a horrible disease. You have alot on your plate right now. I wouldnt waste another minute with him.


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