# Not sure what to think.



## raven (Oct 26, 2007)

Hi all, I'm new to this forum and would like some advice/thoughts.

My husband and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary. We have been together 5 years and have been very happy - we are best friends and share everything with one another....I think/thought we were very happy.

My husband does not go out w/ friends - he works hard and comes straight home, there are never any "strange" phone calls, etc. Really, he is the model husband - loving, hard-working, *chooses* to spend his free-time with me, etc.

Yesterday, while trying to gather some of his friend's emails (for a surprise party I was planning to throw for him) in his mailbox, I noticed an email from a website for married people looking for others requesting his username/password. Well...curiosity got the best of me and I logged on. There was a profile he'd created within the last 6-7 months. It was a multiple choice profile that eluded to one-night stands, oral sex, discretion, etc. Nothing was typed in by him, just selected. There were no messages (that I saw) sent or received. I was/am in total disbelief and more numb with hurt than mad. I confronted him lastnight. At first he tried denying the whole thing, then once he realized he was backed into a corner, he came clean and simply said it was nothing...just a case of web-browsing, curiosity, would never follow-through with anything, claims he's completely happy with me, would never stray etc.... I, myself would never even think to sign onto something like that. 

My husband has always been very honest with me...I know everything about him, including the fact when he was in a live-in relationship in his 20's, he cheated on the current girlfriend w/ his ex. That never sat well with me, but he claims he never loved that girlfriend...I'm his first, one and only true love...

I'm still in disbelief...like it's a bad dream. I really need some advice and perhaps different perspectives. I think fantasies are natural and healthy, but not sure if this is an indication of something more???

Thanks in advance for any and all responses!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Personally I think it is more curiousity then anything else. Men are more visual the emotional in sexually arousal. It is kind of like a fling in his mind to get himself excited in a fantasy way.

Would I keep tabs for a bit? Sure. But he doesn't have large amounts of time that he isn't home were he is just "out".

Chances are he got it in spam and because most of those sites you have to check in to he did to see what it was. Further he may have been worried and wanted to make sure you were not on there.

What have you communicated to him so far?

draconis


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I know I probably sound like a broken record because my initial response is to save the marriage by any means, go to counseling (be it religious or professional), and don't give up. I believe you're right to be upset, but only counseling will be able to find out the real reason he was on those sites.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

mamab said:


> I know I probably sound like a broken record because my initial response is to save the marriage by any means, go to counseling (be it religious or professional), and don't give up. I believe you're right to be upset, but only counseling will be able to find out the real reason he was on those sites.


Very true I am sorry I forgot to mention counseling.

draconis


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## raven (Oct 26, 2007)

I've communicated that I'm hurt, mad, confused and speechless. He really is a good person who has high morals and values. He comes from a great family and his parents have been married 35 years. I know he does not take marriage or this commitment lightly. With that said, his track record with others tells a different story. Granted, that was many years ago when he was much younger and not the same person he is now...it just adds fuel to my fire.

I'm not sure he'd agree to counseling in this matter, as he isn't viewing it as I am. He is extremely apologetic and seems genuinely sorry, but I think counseling at this point would in a way (in his eyes) be confessing to something he does not believe he did.

I appreciate the thoughts. Now I just have to work things out in my own head and hopefully begin to see him in the same way again. 

Strange how in just a few short minutes your heart can be changed.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Tell him counseling is so you can express how you feel in a controlled enviroment and is not meant to lay down right or wrong.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

hi there... i had a similar experience... was trying to recover a website of which i had lost the add by going through my history and found addresses i had never visited, and which obviously he had. it was all about finding a sex partner and dating and stuff like that. i was absolutely shocked... felt betrayed even. all the trust i thought i had in him was forgotten in a second.
i asked him about it, and he explained that he only browsed these sites out of curiosity, he just wanted to see what it's all about, without any intentions of indulging further. he was JUST browsing, that's it.
it didn't sink in right away... but i guess, i did take his word for it. i do believe he did it simply out of curiosity, and on top of that like draconis said, it was spam he received in his email, and there, he just checked it out.
being a rather curious person myself, i do understand this biting curiosity that one feels sometimes.
i hope that it was the same in your situation, just a sense of curiosity that he couldn't control, and nothing more.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

this is the main reason i even came across this site! i was browsing on his computer to look show something from myspace and then the history showed up and i thought what?!?!?! i checked it out and it was a horny match site. i even logged in and checked it out it too was an account in which you click to make a created profile. i asked him right there what is this? i felt so betrayed and mistrust to him for 2 months. since then he has shapen up. only watches the regular porno, which i still frown upon, but dont think i can do anything about. he says it popped up and he looked in to see what it was about. but what hit me the most is that he clicked on discreet relationship AND put in the "about me" section himself. the words written didnt even seem like his words. i didnt even know what to do or how to handle. my parents got involved when they noticed my strange behavior. and lo and behold we learn that he admits that he was molested by his mom for many years until his parents divorced and the father sent her back to her parents and of course he re-married to a woman who could take care of the household instead of cheating, spending money, and abusing her sons. 

so he is going through therapy to learn how to live with his past so that he could live in the present.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

oceanbreeze said:


> this is the main reason i even came across this site! i was browsing on his computer to look show something from myspace and then the history showed up and i thought what?!?!?! i checked it out and it was a horny match site. i even logged in and checked it out it too was an account in which you click to make a created profile. i asked him right there what is this? i felt so betrayed and mistrust to him for 2 months. since then he has shapen up. only watches the regular porno, which i still frown upon, but dont think i can do anything about. he says it popped up and he looked in to see what it was about. but what hit me the most is that he clicked on discreet relationship AND put in the "about me" section himself. the words written didnt even seem like his words. i didnt even know what to do or how to handle. my parents got involved when they noticed my strange behavior. and lo and behold we learn that he admits that he was molested by his mom for many years until his parents divorced and the father sent her back to her parents and of course he re-married to a woman who could take care of the household instead of cheating, spending money, and abusing her sons.
> 
> so he is going through therapy to learn how to live with his past so that he could live in the present.


WOW, I hope the best for him and I hope he includes you in some of the therapy so you'll understand what he is going through.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Past abuse can be a very difficult to deal with.....................


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

kajira said:


> Past abuse can be a very difficult to deal with.....................


true. it takes time... and the right kind of support.


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## Carey1979 (Nov 26, 2007)

I think he was probably just curious and maybe bored but to wonder what if someone had messaged him and said would be willing to have discreet sex or whatever what would he have done? Its possible that he wouldnt have gone thru with it. You guys need to have a serious talk and see if you can find out if there is something sexually he wants but is not telling you, maybe you would be into it. I dont think its a huge deal this is the first time you ever found something like this and it sounds like he loves you a lot. Give him another chance and try to communicate with his needs and feelings. Maybe be open to trying things with him. I hope this helps if you read my profile you can see what I am going thru.
Warm Regards,
Carey1979


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## hoggwild (Dec 2, 2007)

Oh, two years ago I could have written your post almost verbatim. We attended counseling for almost 4 months over this issue. We have been married a little over 26 years. We're both currently in our mid-forties.

Eight months after ending our initial counseling sessions, he embarked on a 10 week extramarital affair frenzy, first contacting a prostitute, then placing an on-line ad and having a one night stand, then engaging in a 7 week emotional and physical affair with a soon-to-be divorcee in our neighborhood.

He, too, claimed it was just idle curiosity that led him to register on the website to begin with (it was one that has been in the news recently b/c of their billboard advertising campaign).

While our marriage is recovering and we are addressing the issues that led up to his infidelities to begin with, this has been a long, tough battle to save this relationship. 

I'm not trying to scare you or increase your anxiety in any way, but I do want you to be aware that this may be a symptom of a deeper issue. While it may truly be idle curiosity, I would keep my eyes open.

(((raven))) Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk further. I hope in your case it's truly idle curiosity on his part.


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