# How do you handle rudeness without anger?



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I’ve been through anger management and told I didn’t need it because very little can get me truly angry. 

I was told I have better management than any she had in her course. 

The few things which do flip the switch are usually rudeness, and disrespect. 

I’ve lost 2 jobs years ago for verbally defending others. 

3 of most recent examples:
A man sick deliberately standing in doorway of building coughing inward and stating covid19 isn’t as bad as his cold. 

Doctors in room with a patient talking to family recommending ending the patients life as though patient was nothing more than old furniture. The patient was able to hear and understand but unable to verbally communicate. 

Vets office elderly woman comes in barely able to stand, and all seats taken. Woman with 10 year old daughter who’s taking up 2 seats looks at the elderly woman then smirks in dismissal and does nothing. (I was standing also. I was taught to rise before the hoary head) 

As much as I would love to politely convey decency, free of anger or hostility in those situations, its so far outside my realm of conceivable behavior of respect and decency I have to walk away on the off chance they smarted off 

How do you manage such situations?
Any advice?
ETA: I’ve worked on personal self-improvement many years and it’s one thing made no progression on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm extremely gregarious and embarrassing when I need to be.

I would insult the coughing guy until he left or attacked me physically, hopefully the first option.

Not sure how I'd handle the ass hole doctors.

I would definitely embarrass the hell out of enough people to get a seat in the last situation.

I'm a bit of a devil sometimes.>


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Depending on the circumstances, handle it with extreme politeness, charm or humor. Publicly shaming a jerk won't get you what you want - they've earned the title.

Ex 1: Overly polite expression of sympathy and suggestion that he not stand in the doorway impeding access to the building

Ex 2: Humorous chiding of doctor while in room, followed by an ass-chewing when out of room

Ex 3: Charm that 10 year old out of her second seat while assisting the elderly woman to it (just because her mom is a jerk doesn't mean she is)


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Huge congrats on your remarkable self-control. I consider your examples to be a type of 'righteous anger'. However, you know you cannot mediate/educate the world. 

We generally have to decide ahead of time that we will not lose our temper. The evil eye will often egg someone on.
@Blondilocks has given good specific examples. Overall, when I have no control over the other person, I tell myself that karma will be their master. 

I have been know to ask if anyone is sitting in an extra chair that is being hogged by someone's stuff. I have said, "Let's talk about that out in the hall, too." Have said, "Let's not talk about that" when gossip is spewing forth (sometimes my switch flipper). 

Sometimes I exaggerate too. To sick man, "Wow, I can't believe you are standing in the door since all these folks likely have 'THE' virus!"

Again, I admire you for this ability...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I won't be able to help my self with the rudeness of others and when I spoke up in front of the dying patient I would let him/her have both barrels, Because I would be speaking on the one who couldn't. The guy coughing " hey numbnuts" how about taking your illness outside no one wants what you got! 

As to the elderly, I would go and seek out a chair. But 3X says it well can't enlighten the ignorant. It's the me first world we live in. 

But it could be they see the fire in my dark dark eyes. I will to step in it and think about it later. I know it's just me but l can't help myself.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Appreciate all the comments, and ideas.

They have been few and far between, but seem to be happening more frequent. Change in polite society I guess.

An instance which give me reservations on engaging.

Years ago a young man (late teens) was with his mother visiting us. He smarted off at his mother over something and grabbed her. I politely told him to back off, and quit disrespecting his mother. When he shoved her into the wall as he smarted off at her again I lost it.

I maintained just enough control I hurt his pride more than anything by busting a wall in my house with him, then carrying him by the seat of his britches, and nape of his neck literally throwing him out the door of my house like he was a rag doll. I then verbally schooled him in proper etiquette while he was still in shock.

His mother said all she had to do after was remind him of it and he straightened up. 

In hind sight it's funny but I still don't like the way I handled it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Depending on the circumstances, handle it with extreme politeness, charm or humor. Publicly shaming a jerk won't get you what you want - they've earned the title.
> 
> Ex 1: Overly polite expression of sympathy and suggestion that he not stand in the doorway impeding access to the building
> 
> ...


*My sentiments exactly!

Have absolutely no problem in doling out a well-deserved a$$-chewing to some ignorant, self-serving, heartless, or condescending rectum, and then properly putting them in their place!
*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

red oak said:


> I’ve been through anger management and told I didn’t need it because very little can get me truly angry.
> 
> I was told I have better management than any she had in her course.
> 
> ...


Just wanting to comment that I truly hope karma bites that woman who smirked at the elderly woman barely able to stand in the ass so hard the scars never leave...


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I generally use sarcasm.

If the does not work, I use off hand comments so I can correct.

If that does not work, I lay it straight out.

Usually people hear the sarcasm, do not address the comment that was made and just correct their behaviour. 

A lot of people try intimidate others so they can get their way. There are a lot of people that are uneducated, ignorant or just bullies, so it is important to not show fear. They want others to show fear out of a need to control and hate it when others stand up to them and question their behaviour.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *My sentiments exactly!
> 
> Have absolutely no problem in doling out a well-deserved a$$-chewing to some ignorant, self-serving, heartless, or condescending rectum, and then properly putting them in their place!
> *


I do this even here on TAM, some think me as overboard , or my hair is on fire. It isn't but what if you only hear pleasant what you want to hear and non confronting or outside the box. It's kind of sets you apart. I do not really do this to stir the pot, but to say what's on my mind. 

And it sometimes upsets those who are polar opposites. Again it's (me) to jump in first, then deal with the aftermath of my choices. I may be a direct type alarmist but if, what I say to others who could benefit from it and do take a different approach for their own sake great. And i am not shy to be alarming, it may be the fire someone needs to see it differently (a wakeup call). That's is.

I've experience alot of promises and then they/those fail to keep what was to be. I really hope it never ever get as bad I I think it could be. And what I done up to this point can and will be used in the future.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It seems everything going on has brought it front and center.

People snagging stuff out of the hands of elderly, which thank goodness I haven't seen personally, running over top of one another taking stuff out of peoples buggies etc, has really brought to the forefront; for me; the increased lack of respect, and common courtesy in society.

Lack of formality in society, as I and my wife were discussing, is we believe the reason we have gotten more reclusive as the years pass.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@red oak I'm afraid I can't help in this instance. I tend to flare up at such instances.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

red oak said:


> *It seems everything going on has brought it front and center.*
> 
> People snagging stuff out of the hands of elderly, which thank goodness I haven't seen personally, running over top of one another taking stuff out of peoples buggies etc, has really brought to the forefront; for me; the increased lack of respect, and common courtesy in society.
> 
> Lack of formality in society, as I and my wife were discussing, is we believe the reason we have gotten more reclusive as the years pass.


 I find myself being less capable of suffering fools myself and I think you hit on a big part in that society is going to ****. I also believe that as you get older you tend to put up with less. The instances you stated in your OP can be handled sternly(maybe even a bit intimidating) without anger. Cool heads are often scarier than someone who has lost his cool. That tact has served me well.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

red oak said:


> 1) A man sick deliberately standing in doorway of building coughing inward and stating covid19 isn’t as bad as his cold.
> _*A random building? Not my problem. My building? Ask to move along, if not, remove him physically. The former I would be charged with assault, the latter is within my legal right.*_
> 2) Doctors in room with a patient talking to family recommending ending the patients life as though patient was nothing more than old furniture. The patient was able to hear and understand but unable to verbally communicate.
> _*I respect those in the medical field and my tolerance for their sociopathy in situations like this is quite high. They don't usually make such recommendations lightly.*_
> ...


Anyway @red oak I don't believe you should change your principles and what you stand for. Now I'm not going to preach as I don't believe in a God or Karma, and even if either exists I believe we share a responsibility to our fellow human beings by creating the world we want to live in. Which means every action must have a consequence and if people start or continue tolerating f---wits they are only encouraging people to be sh-t c--ts.

Simply put; encourage good behavior and punish the bad. Most laws however does not endorse giving people what they immediately deserve so you must play the game a little smarter. But that doesn't mean for a second you let them go. Know what you can get away with, know how you can bring "karma" to those who need to be... educated.

Then you won't be so angry all the time. It's my cure anyway, the urge for retribution exists for a reason, a noble one.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Common sense is forgotten, but I don't see any reason not to go to HR, and tell them to inform the ass. The world doesn't revolve around him and maybe he should be sent home because others are fearful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

1. Give the selfish jerk a mouthful; sorry, that's just gross Covid19 or not

2. I've actually done this when my dad was dying, asked the doctor and rellies to please talk in another room out of dad's hearing

3. I would ask the child to stand for the old lady.

I don't beat around the bush lol.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I tend to follow Einstein's guidelines.:
Weak people revenge
Strong people forgive
Intelligent people ignore.


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