# Hurting, just need to vent



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Hi all, finally able to log back in, its been some years. Having a really down night, emotionally drained. I broke up with my boyfriend last June, but have been on and off with him. Hes moved out 3 times now since december, the third, and hopefully final time starting yesterday, he hates it here anyway, still glorified camping on the property, I am mostly back at my moms, but I stay there with him when trying to make it work, my land is going up for sale very soon. Valentines was our 3rd anniversary, we spent it together, got dressed up and had a nice meal, but its been so stressed. Hes not been nice to me, and it just makes all the super worst instances from our relationship really stand out. I cant even admit it to my friends that hes emotionally and verbally abusive. He used to scream at me that he was like my kept dog in a cage out in the trailer at my land, that I bought for US to be together at. He never pitched in, he let himself become totally dependent on me, selling his car when he moved in with me. I bought a truck for him to drive, he never helped with insurance. He almost killed the truck by not taking care of it and I put thousands into it, he put 100 and acted like it was the biggest deal. A month after I broke up with him last summer, because I took my truck back, I lent him my car to go see his kid and he came back drunk and had a little wreck with a customer in my works parking lot and then totally blew up on me when I got mad at HIM for 1# driving drunk and 2# hitting a parked car at my WORK, he was SCREAMING and cussing and calling me names in front of other customers, regulars, its a small town everyone is a regular. Mind you hes 6'5" and covered in tattoos, he really scared one regular and shes been extremely concerned for me every since. Ugh. When my shop was being built, the one time my dad came over to see my place that HE loaned me some money to buy, I showed up with burgers for lunch for me and my ex, and the construction crew said Oh that smells good its lunch time! ANd my ex got ALL sort of mad and screamed at me that I totally derailed the whole day of construction and that I had totally ****ed things up. My dad left immediately and has never been back to my place and my mom isn't allowed there because he hates her, and she hates him too. I could go on and on, I cant even believe I let this happen. We had SUCH a good love at first. These last 2 years have been incredibly hard though he is such a broken person. 

**** like that, and I still let him come back, and I still go back to him. I cant even believe how I have allowed myself to be treated, and recently its been worse in the sense that its more frequent. I still cant bring myself to be with someone else yet though (after days like today I am feeling closer to ready, part of me feels like I Just need to get it over with and sleep with somebody else too though, I have a really good guy who is just waiting for me to say so). He had no problems mentally being with other girls, though he says he did physically though with some, I think it was mostly because he was too drunk though. And still, it hurt me, made me jealous, and still I went back. I am at the end of my rope though. The sex has been really, strained I guess, between us, like sometimes I don't even know how to relate to him all of a sudden, when just a month ago when he came back again I was craving him and we were so good together, it was short lived though. Tonight I feel the most tired, the most broken that I Have felt yet. My soul hurts. I know the nit picking and criticizing of every little thing is not actually because I am screwing every little thing up that I do, I know he is stressed about moving again but he should be happy its everything he wanted, all the goodness that a house has to offer, and not a trailer out on some land. I can just picture little kid him as me, and hear his dad barking orders and bull**** at little kid him in his words to me, if that makes sense. Not that its an excuse, but I know this has so little to actually do with me, part of me wants to blame it on me in that I broke up with him and hes upset still and every time he moves out its a reminder of that and it opens the wound of the breakup again. But the other part of me knows that this isn't new behavior, this behavior is exactly, exactly why I broke up with him. 

Tonight, I am hurting. Tonight, I am hating him an awful lot, and then I feel awful for hating him because I know he hates himself and that hes such a hurt, damaged person.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I remember your history. I think you need to know, understand and believe me when I tell you, you deserve a good man and a good life. The whole bad boy scene is no good for you. He’s a loser and you deserve better. I would think with your previous job you’d understand that there are men in this world who just want to use you and then blame you for their problems. Don’t fall for it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you. I do understand that, trust me I do. And I really thought he was a good guy, no way did I think things would end up where the are now


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Bad habits are hard to break, and your boyfriend is your bad habit. He doesn't make you happy, he erodes your confidence, he is dragging you down, he is ruining your family relationships, yet you still can't cut him loose. 

What would you advise a friend to do who was in the same situation? Break up with the guy right? Go no contact right? Use your common sense, do yourself a favor and make a clean break and stay apart, break the habit.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is insanity. You keep expecting to do better when he is exactly who he is. 

You must love drama to stay with him this long.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> These last 2 years have been incredibly hard though he is such a broken person.
> 
> Tonight, I am hurting. Tonight, I am hating him an awful lot, and then I feel awful for hating him because I know he hates himself and that hes such a hurt, damaged person.


I am sorry this has been so rough for you. I have been there, done that. For 12 long years. With physical and verbal abuse. People ask me why I stayed so long. One of the reasons was because I knew he was a broken person and he was very sick. I tried for many years to get him help. Finally, I woke the **** up and realized that this is insanity. I deserve better. You do too. This is insanity. 

Yes he is broken. But he is broken beyond your expertise. His problems are Far more than you can handle. Quit feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for yourself. No matter what you do or say or be, you cannot help this broken man. You have got to let him go. I did a lot of things for my former BF that you have done for yours. Bought him a vehicle so he could get to and from work, (when he did hold a job), got him mental health treatment that he didn't follow through with, oh my gosh, the list goes on and on. 

And although I hate him with every fiber of my being, I also hate myself. Because I put up with that **** for so long. While he did not get upset that I had friends and close family, I did it to myself. I isolated myself because it was hard for me to act happy in front of them and I felt so embarrassed and guilty for hiding my dirty Secret. He dragged me down to his level of living. And that is what your boyfriend is doing to you. The fact that your parents don't come around makes me so sad for you. He is not of your caliber. He is yes, a broken man, but he is also a real big mooch and loser because he has not taken any sort of steps to help himself. You have got to let him go for good this time. You have to. There's no other option. You are living in a much lower Level than what you should be. Just by reading your latest post, you have accomplished so many things. But he has dragged you down. Embarrassed you in front of customers. That is not acceptable. You're living with a low life. And, that is making YOU a low life. Get rid of him. Now. Barrel through the hurt Then shed it off like dead skin and get a new life for yourself without him in it. If I can do it you can do it.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I am sorry it is a hard time for you, and I am glad you came here rather than calling or contacting that man again.

I can not stress this enough: for your sanity and to preserve a decent life for yourself going forward, you need to 180 this guy. Block him completely. Delete him from everything. Throw out everything that reminds you of him. Get into something to occupy your mind - meetups are great for this, join a church, start volunteering....something.
@brooklynAnn said it best: You keep expecting to do better when he is exactly who he is. He does not respect you. He does not know how to show his emotions in an adult way. You need to examine why you keep engaging with him and this horrible, destructive behavior. He is angry at something - the world, you, it does not really matter - and he feels justified in venting it on you and trying to make you feel that you brought his bad behavior on. You did not. Stop trying to make sense of his behavior. That is his job. Stop believing his lies that you caused it, you are not good enough, or that you had such a good love at first. Everyone has a good love at first, but then you find out who that person really is. You have discovered that he is not good for you, yet you keep wanting to go back to the fantasy.

Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've been broken up since last June but have been off/on since then. What does that say to me? He's not done. He'll be back because you keep letting him back. Don't. Let this last time be the last time. 

DO.NOT.TAKE.HIM.BACK.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> You've been broken up since last June but have been off/on since then. What does that say to me? He's not done. He'll be back because you keep letting him back. Don't. Let this last time be the last time.
> 
> DO.NOT.TAKE.HIM.BACK.


What the OP fails to recognize is that he doesn't keep coming back for *love*.

It's because she's his cash cow and she continually allows this unemployed *loser* to live off of her, much like a parasite feeds off its host. It's one of those faux 'relationships' where the OP keeps thinking he's going to suddenly become a man of character and integrity and 'love' her the way she wants to be loved (ain't happening) and where the unemployed grifter just keeps coming back because he knows she'll continue supporting him and throwing money at him to keep him around. 

He's no different than a stray dog who keeps showing up at the door of a stranger's house because the stranger has been kind enough to throw scraps out for him. The OP has basically supported this loser for 2+ years and if the bottom-feeder knocks on her door again for another handout, sadly, she'll likely start the sick cycle all over again of trying to buy his 'love.'

OP, you may have been a victim of this worthless piece of human **** a couple of years ago, but you need to face the fact that you've been a *volunteer* now for a long, long time.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> unemployed grifter
> .


This is exactly what I called my former abusive boyfriend. This is the perfect phrase.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What the OP fails to recognize is that he doesn't keep coming back for *love*.
> 
> It's because she's his cash cow and she continually allows this unemployed *loser* to live off of her, much like a parasite feeds off its host. It's one of those faux 'relationships' where the OP keeps thinking he's going to suddenly become a man of character and integrity and 'love' her the way she wants to be loved (ain't happening) and where the unemployed grifter just keeps coming back because he knows she'll continue supporting him and throwing money at him to keep him around.
> 
> ...


Don't be so hard on stray dogs! Frankly I think the OP would be better off with a stray, stray dogs can grow to love you and become incredible companions.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I know you all are correct, trust me I am aware. Except for liking drama, I hate it, I get physically ill from the stress of when things are bad.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What the OP fails to recognize is that he doesn't keep coming back for *love*.
> 
> It's because she's his cash cow and she continually allows this unemployed *loser* to live off of her, much like a parasite feeds off its host. It's one of those faux 'relationships' where the OP keeps thinking he's going to suddenly become a man of character and integrity and 'love' her the way she wants to be loved (ain't happening) and where the unemployed grifter just keeps coming back because he knows she'll continue supporting him and throwing money at him to keep him around.
> 
> ...


I totally agree. He's a Class A user that she keeps letting back in her life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I know you all are correct, trust me I am aware. Except for liking drama, I hate it, I get physically ill from the stress of when things are bad.


So what is your plan then?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

everybody said it well.

i would just add that i think after all you've been through, you aren't ready for another relationship.

you're confused, vulnerable, hurt and licking your wounds, and will be for a while (as is natural). furthermore, your picker is broken.
the 'good guy' that is waiting in the wings may very well turn out to be just another loser. sure he may look like prince charming now, but you don't really know him.
believe me.

you need to learn how to live with yourself for a while. learn to know yourself, get smarter in regards to men.
it's a tough world out there and even the savvy and toughened get burned. the last thing you need to do is jump from one bad relationship into another.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hun, he is so broken.
You deserve a whole man.

Don't you believe you do?

Please don't take him back. Do yourself a favor for once. Stop looking at the past and face the present. Forge your future and never speak with him again.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> ... and then I feel awful for hating him because I know he hates himself and that hes such a hurt, damaged person.


Keep in mind that people who hate themselves simply cannot love another person. And sadly, water seeks its own level. In other words, damaged people cling to other damaged people.

Instead of investing your time and energy in him, it would be far better to invest your time and energy in YOU. Cut your losses. Don't let him back in. 

I've reiterated this story line before from the movie "When Harry Met Sally" where Sally's friend, Marie, (played by Carrie Fisher) is involved with a married man. She keeps seeing the guy, hoping he will eventually leave his wife. But she also keeps saying to Sally, "I KNOW he'll never leave his wife. I KNOW it." Sally sighs, shakes her head, and responds "EVERYBODY knows he'll never leave his wife!"

So, just like Marie, you are saying you KNOW this guy is wrong for you. You are acknowledging this is not good. But KNOWING is not DOING. You need to act on the knowledge that this man is just no darned good - damaged or not. Until you can move past what you know and do what you need to do FOR YOU, you will remain stuck in this endless cycle. And the cycle is incredibly damaging and hurtful to you.

Time to just pull the plug. If the damaged man wants to seek counseling/help, he can do so. You can't save him. 

JMO.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

What am I gonna do. Well, I didnt spend the last 2 nights with him, and didnt hangout with him today at all, just went in, did what I had to do at my property and then left. Hes there working in the shop at his trade. Tonight he will be taking his dogs so my trailer can go up for sale very soon, that will be a huge step. I dont know, if things keep going like this we will just fade apart like we are now, and he will have to finish moving out and his work station and all that out of my shop. Next weekend I am going take more stuff to the dump and hes got a good more bit of stuff to go, so the less of his stuff at my place the more hes gone. Things have just really reached a breaking point for me again, very recently, in some ways I feel a bit stuck, too. Sigh.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

One of the things you need to learn is to be whole... alone.

I do wish you well. I truly hope you never consider him a friend, boyfriend, or any kind of potential anything to you ever again.

Once you can be happy alone, you can seek someone else who can be happy alone. The instant that person mistreats you, even once, drop him like a burning ember. You never need another person in your life that much.

Be well, somehow.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: You cannot date an unemployed, alcoholic, 6’5”, tattooed, bad boy, and then be surprised when he acts like a bad boy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Things have just really reached a breaking point for me again, very recently, in some ways I feel a bit stuck, too. Sigh.


Here's something you might want to consider. This may sound very trite, but it is true: life is short. About a half hour ago, I was in my early 30's and had the world by a string. I honestly can't believe how fast 30 years has passed. I don't want to be on my death bed regretting that I wasted my one life on this planet feeling miserable, letting dysfunctional people drag me down, or wallowing in my own issues. Yeah, I have issues just like everyone else. But I also really, truly know deep down that happiness is an inside job. Nobody is going to suck the life - or my happiness - out of me. I live alone. I don't have a man in my life or in my house. And I don't feel lonely, depressed, sad, worried, or let down. NOBODY dictates my moods to me except me.

You are allowing yourself to be miserable. You are allowing this loser back into your life over and over. You've got to love yourself enough to kick this guy to the curb for good.

And, to be perfectly honest, it doesn't sound as if you even like yourself right now. If you did, you wouldn't settle for keeping the jerk in your life for one more second. So you can throw a pity party and just drag yourself on indefinitely feeling like crap. Or you can realize that YOU ALONE can have a better life.

Your life. Your choice.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Whats crazy is that looking back through my paypal where his money comes through, hes an artist, he actually makes more a month than I do, but it disappears very quickly with him. Too much drink and cigs, alcohol and tobacco is really expensive these days. 

I actually do like myself alot, but I am tired right now, I am at my lowest right now. I know I have a lot of work to do at the moment.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We say that because you keep taking him back.

And he is so very bad for you. You are poisoning yourself.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Well here I am what, two weeks later? Things got even worse and hes got 28 days to have every last thing off my property. He screwed up big time by getting his first DUI and while it made me take a huge step back I was willing to be a friend still, but then he decided yesterday that I am cheating on him, which oddly, I did start fooling around with someone a week ago and I don't really know how he is so certain that something happened, but hes always had an uncanny sense about him. Its not really cheating anyway but I get what he means, I felt the same way after I dumped him and then he slept with other girls. It kinda is in a way, too though. But we had only been together once in the last few weeks anyway and it was so strained, like we can barely related to each other sexually and that was always our saving grace when things were at their worst before. Anyway, he freaked out and unfriended me on Facebook. 

He did take all his stuff from my trailer though, and like I said he has 28 more days to get everything out of my shop now, only because he said he needed it and didnt have anywhere lined up to move his workstuff yet. I work too much and am too tired to start what i know would be a huge fight and plus hes a lot meaner than I am, if I were to try to make him go now. I am just going to bury my head in my work which will be easy to do because we are down 2 employees now and I just got done working a 7 day shift and have only a couple days off before getting back to it LOL, so a month will go buy in a minute at this rate.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Remind me about the 28 day deadline? Did you impose that? DUI, huh? Doesn't surprise me. What do you mean you were still willing to be his friend?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Well 27 days now, when he decided he knew I was 'cheating' he got all angry weird and unfriended me on Facebook and I told him he couldnt just stay working in my shop then if we werent friends anymore, and that he was lucky I was nice so when would he be leaving? He said he needed 30 days, so I let him have his 30 days, we agreed on a day that he needs to be totally gone. Will be 10 months since I first broke up with him. Ugh, we just spent almost 1/3 of our relationship breaking up, thats lame.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Illbehisfoolagain He has gone beyond his expiration date. Dump him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> He said he needed 30 days, so I let him have his 30 days, we agreed on a day that he needs to be totally gone.


And if he's not?

Does he get _another _30 days? Maybe 60 days if he re-friends you on Facebook and you're 'friends' once again?

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I told him he couldnt just stay working in my shop then if we werent friends anymore, and that he was lucky I was nice so when would he be leaving?


Listen, you two cannot be friends, lovers, or anything inbetween. You remind me of myself when I KNEW my abusive ex bf had to go. There was no other option. I was too nice, just like you. I felt sorry for him. I even let him use my old car while he was getting his things out of the house. Then what did he do? Rack up a **** ton of parking tickets that of course involved my car! What a ****. 

Kick him out right this minute. He's a scumbag to the nth degree. He's gross. Let him be someone else's problem. 

Seriously, get some backbone and get him the **** OUT. Today!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

UPDATE! It took me another month after my last post to finally get my ex totally out of my life, but I finally did! Not without a whole lot more drama of course, UGH. 

I really got into a good groove being single, got things back on track in my life, and not even a couple months later I met a really wonderful man through my work. We have been together for 5 months and he is a total opposite of my ex, he is the kindest, most thoughtful man. Hes really smart, hard working, soft spoken, ridiculously handsome, and meticulous at construction stuff, honestly half the time I wonder what hes doing with me but he seems to like me a lot too so I try to not question it too much. We talk and talk for hours, so late into the night sometimes still, and I dont want to say he "saved me" from myself, but he has so much faith in me, he thinks I am an incredibly strong woman and self reliant and emotionally strong and sound. He thinks I am smart too, even though compared to him I feel like a kindergartener (and he is some years younger than me!) and I dont know if its him or if its also everything from the last years, but I feel ALL those things now, all of it. 

Its been quite the life learning experience, I have had to do a lot of introspection while decompressing from my relationship with my ex. Its so hard to really see whats going on while you are in the heat of it. I had so many sad habits I picked up being with him that I had to relearn I didnt have to do, and just am really disappointed that I put up with him for so long. One of my dear friends is now going through a very similar relationship and it gives me full on anxiety to hear her talk about her man and what he puts her through. Never again will I allow myself to get into such a relationship!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your ex could never be your friend because he could never be a friend to himself.

Glad you are doing so well.

Why not ask for a new TAM name to reflect your new, improved, reality?


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