# Help



## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

1


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tammy0823 said:


> I'm new here, and I've been trying to have some understanding about my friend and her the guy shes dating. Here we go.
> 
> I have a female who who has been married for about 10 years. Shes dating a man who is 7 years older than her, and hes been married for 30 years. She has teen children and his kids are grown. Shes in her 40's and hes in his 50's. They have been dating for a little over a year and have never been intimate. They are really in love with each other and spend time with each other when they can. She said they plan to be intimate, but hasn't yet. They text all day and all night when they can, and talk on the phone. He really loves my friend. I told her that unfortunately she has let it go that far, but she should let it go. Both of them are married. My question is why is the man cheating in his wife? Like hes been married for 30 years. I asked her why is he dating her, but she doesn't know. I dont want to judge because, I've never been in this type of situation, so I dont know. We all know it's wrong, etc, so we can leave that out. I've been married for 5 years and I want to reach 30 without that happen to me or me doing that. I'm the only one she can really talk to about it, so I'm listening to this daily, about her and him. Let's have a dialogue.


You know nothing about this man or his relationship with his wife, they could be in an open relationship for all you know. 
However shouldn’t you be asking YOUR married friend why is she cheating on her husband. 
And maybe asking yourself why you haven’t told him about his cheating wife.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Unless she is asking for your help, stay out of it and mind you own business.


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## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

I just want to have a dialogue about it. She talks to me about it everyday, so I am in it. It is my job. As a friend to tell her not to do it, but I'm not judging because I'm not perfect. They dont have an open marriage, lol. I did ask her why she was cheating and her answer was it just happened, and she loves being involved with him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

We don't often see the friends of a cheater posting on here,so it will be informative to see where the dialogue goes.

Have you asked her what she thinks her husband will feel,not if,but when he finds out?

Are you friends with the husband as well? When he finds out and she has the opportunity to save her marriage and takes it,where will that leave you? Often,friends that were privy to the affair and said nothing are left by the wayside as a necessity for reconciliation.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Tammy0823 said:


> My question is why is the man cheating in his wife? Like hes been married for 30 years. I asked her why is he dating her, but she doesn't know.


First of all, I doubt you will ever get any constructive information from a forum about the motivations of a guy who hasn't posted here, the forum members are totally unfamiliar with, and any information about him is given third-hand. Really, I'm not trying to be snide, but how is it even possible for us outsiders to know what's going on in this guy's head? You're closer to the situation, and even you don't know.

Secondly, I would ask you, why would you assume his motives would be any different than your friend's? She's married and cheating on her husband. Why is this guy who is married and cheating on his wife any different?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tammy0823 said:


> I just want to have a dialogue about it. She talks to me about it everyday, so I am in it. It is my job. As a friend to tell her not to do it, but I'm not judging because I'm not perfect. They dont have an open marriage, lol. I did ask her why she was cheating and her answer was it just happened, and she loves being involved with him.


If they truly have not been intimate, it's called an emotional affair (EA). An EA can actually be more devastating to a marriage than a physical affair where there is no emotional attachment.

How often does your friend go out with her affair partner (AP)? Where does her husband think she is when she's out with him?

Do you know where her AP's wife thinks he's at when he is out with your friend?

Do you do things together with them as a couple?

Does your husband know that your friend is having an affair?

Sorry for all the questions. I'm just trying to get a full picture of what's going on.


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## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

I don't have all the answers nor do I remember everything she tells me, but I will do my best to answer. 

How often does your friend go out with her affair partner (AP)? Where does her husband think she is when she's out with him? 

I dont think it's often, but hes at work majority of the time she sees him.

Do you know where her AP's wife thinks he's at when he is out with your friend?

Work most of the time, I'm guessing 

Do you do things together with them as a couple?

I do not

Does your husband know that your friend is having an affair?

No, if he knew he wouldn't like her

Sorry for all the questions. I'm just trying to get a full picture of what's going on.[/QUOTE]


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## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Tammy0823 said:
> 
> 
> > My question is why is the man cheating in his wife? Like hes been married for 30 years. I asked her why is he dating her, but she doesn't know.
> ...



I don't know that's why I'm here to get thoughts on why a man that's been married so long do that. I dont know if there are any differences in why they are both doing it. She just said they talked, as friends now in relationship. They are in love, they buy each other gifts, they see one another as often as they can, they kiss, hug, etc. He calls her his girlfriend and when they have issues, he goes above and beyond to make them better.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If this has been going on for a year, and they have access to each other, kiss, and are in love...they are having sex. She just isn’t admitting it to you, because you could easily rat her out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tammy0823 said:


> She said they plan to be intimate, but hasn't yet.


LOL. And if you believe *that *bull****, I've got some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. :rofl:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tammy0823 said:


> I don't know that's why I'm here to get thoughts on why a man that's been married so long do that. I dont know if there are any differences in why they are both doing it. She just said they talked, as friends now in relationship. They are in love, they buy each other gifts, they see one another as often as they can, they kiss, hug, etc. He calls her his girlfriend and when they have issues, he goes above and beyond to make them better.


You ask why a man who has been married that long would act that way. I would ask why does any married person act that way. The answer is that they have no integrity, no decency, no character, no intention to keep the promises they made or remain faithful. They are also liars and deceivers. 
If she were my friend I would say that if she doesn't tell her husband in one week I will. I would also make sure the poor man's wife knows. I would not be friends with someone who acted that way and refused to stop, and I certainly wouldn't listen to the details of their relationship.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I am just going to say this . Your friend will end up being toxic to your own marriage and you won't reach 30+ years in your marriage. I would recommend you breaking ties with her . Or before you know it you will be doing the same thing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tammy0823 said:


> I just want to have a dialogue about it. She talks to me about it everyday, so I am in it. It is my job. As a friend to tell her not to do it, but I'm not judging because I'm not perfect. They dont have an open marriage, lol. I did ask her why she was cheating and her answer was it just happened, and she loves being involved with him.


This is an on-going affair your "friend" is attempting to normalize/rationalize in her mind by having you tacitly approve or condone it.

My advice there is not to play into it, and in fact realize that your friend is not actually your friend at all, because she is using you, and because she has no integrity.

"Work pal, you keep wanting to talk to me about your ongoing affair with this guy, when you're both married. So here's what's going to happen: you're going to continue to try to get me to support this affair, in which case I'm going to ensure both other spouses involved understand what's happening. Or you're going to keep it to yourself and we're going to maintain a purely professional relationship from now on. Either way, you need to understand that I don't support or condone your actions, which endanger two other people without them even knowing it and demonstrate a total lack of character. Pick."

Affairs don't "just happen." Don't play into that nonsense. I've been there with work people, and that's what I did.


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## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> I am just going to say this . Your friend will end up being toxic to your own marriage and you won't reach 30+ years in your marriage. I would recommend you breaking ties with her . Or before you know it you will be doing the same thing.



I agree and I concur. Thank you for confirmation. I have been slowly winging her away, because I'm tired of hearing about now, and it adds no value to my situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh, it goes without saying, but please let your husband know about this friend's proclivities, and your relationship with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tammy0823 said:


> I dont think it's often, but hes at work majority of the time she sees him.


So they work at the same company?

Is one of them the boss over the other.

What does she say about her marriage? Does she claim to be happy in her marriage?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Tammy0823 said:


> niceguy47460 said:
> 
> 
> > I am just going to say this . Your friend will end up being toxic to your own marriage and you won't reach 30+ years in your marriage. I would recommend you breaking ties with her . Or before you know it you will be doing the same thing.
> ...


I think you should tell your husband about this as well . Because right now you are keeping a secret from him and that is never good for a marriage. You should also let the husband of the friend know what is going on behind his back . After all if you was in his shoes wouldn't you want to know . Just think how you would feel if you was him . I don't know if you have a way to contact him but you should tell him . 

And then wash your hands on the whole thing .


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tammy0823 said:


> I just want to have a dialogue about it. She talks to me about it everyday, so I am in it. It is my job. As a friend to tell her not to do it, but I'm not judging because I'm not perfect. They dont have an open marriage, lol. I did ask her why she was cheating and her answer was it just happened, and she loves being involved with him.


You should counter that response with, "Does your H also love you being involved with OM?" "When you H finds out and he will eventually, then what"?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tammy0823 said:


> I don't know that's why I'm here to get thoughts on why a man that's been married so long do that.


Because the OM is getting something from the OW he is not from his W. Emotional fulfillment. Ego kibbles. Feels giddy and in la-la land. Feel young again. More than likely just looking to get into her pants.


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## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

when couple spend long time together, the usual problem is routine and being bored of each other.


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## Tammy0823 (Aug 5, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Tammy0823 said:
> 
> 
> > I dont think it's often, but hes at work majority of the time she sees him.
> ...


Yes, she tells me shes happy in hers. No, they do not work together. 2 different jobs at 2 different places


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The only thing to ask her is; is she ready to give up her husband today?

Because it's inevitable her H will find out and her actions will make him feel like a rube, then he'll get angry, and be justified to calmly put her luggage out on the curb and divorce her.

It can happen in one afternoon or weekend. All done.

She's alread a liar and thief. She's taking her Hs financial support and emotional trust extremely and intentionally dishonestly while lying to her Hs face.

What kind of character does she have? What's she lying to you about? Because she's shown she lies when it suits her.

This is toxic to you and your M. When this comes out, your H will be asking you, hey what's up here?


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Tammy I have a freind thts doing the same thing, I havent told her that but I did let her know what I thought about her affair, we are freinds with both her and herhusband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

People who see people treat other so awfully and say "I don't want to judge" scare me more then the people who do the awful stuff.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> People who see people treat other so awfully and say "I don't want to judge" scare me more then the people who do the awful stuff.


Yes, its not judging to say to a friend that what they are doing isn't right and to separate from them unless they stop and confess to their spouse.


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