# I can't win...



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I came home today after work, saw fiancé in bed...kids were good watching cartoons. So I get in bed and tell him he should get on his back so I can take advantage of him. I give him an awesome BJ, he's happy and I then go to the store. Go through our nightly routine, make dinner, eat dinner, do some school work with my 5 year old. Time is running longer than normal, but no big deal. 

Well fiancé gets some glass in his foot, and flips a switch. Suddenly I am a**hole for wanting to take time out after I got him from work to have some alone time. I should have been more concerned with making sure everything stays on schedule and my son is done with school work on time..and he and I can have alone time when we go to bed. He tells me I am a sh*tty parent for putting our sexual needs ahead of my son. That I should be thanking him for caring about my son. And how dare I get pissed at him for getting pissed at me. 

This man hasn't touched me since last Wednesday. I have not asked for anything sexual since then. I know he is already spent from using his porn, and I am tired of being rejected, so I stopped asking until today and now I am an a**hole and a sh*tty parent??? Excuse me for trying to put some f*cking effort into this poor excuse of a relationship you douchnozzle. 

I need to stop giving advice here until I can take my own...because clearly I suck at it.


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

You were still very angry when you wrote this. Getting angry is normal and even healthy. Just wait 30 minutes before you write it down. You sound like a great fiance'. He's angry about something else. No man complains about how a bj got in the way of something else. No man. Figure this out before you get married.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I came home today after work, saw fiancé in bed...kids were good watching cartoons. So I get in bed and tell him he should get on his back so I can take advantage of him. I give him an awesome BJ, he's happy and I then go to the store. Go through our nightly routine, make dinner, eat dinner, do some school work with my 5 year old. Time is running longer than normal, but no big deal.
> 
> Well fiancé gets some glass in his foot, and flips a switch. Suddenly I am a**hole for wanting to take time out after I got him from work to have some alone time. I should have been more concerned with making sure everything stays on schedule and my son is done with school work on time..and he and I can have alone time when we go to bed. He tells me I am a sh*tty parent for putting our sexual needs ahead of my son. That I should be thanking him for caring about my son. And how dare I get pissed at him for getting pissed at me.
> 
> ...


Hubbs-man may have taken on a female role, with his prioritization of the child(ren) and removal of you as a sexual object.

It happens when females have children and raise them, they don't see how they can squeeze in a few minutes or moments of time to be affectionate to their husbands.

He might be looking at it the same way somehow. As to how the porn is getting play and you are not. Not sure.

has your body image changed a lot and he's hooked on these porn models?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Aw hun... what a horrible evening and how utterly confusing for you!

I've seen posts about your man and his porn use... it's not healthy is it?

Just know you are not a sh!tty parent or wife... he has some sort of issue going on and he is projecting his anger and self hatred at you.

What are you going to do? Long term? I gather you don't want to be here posting sad stories like this in a years time.

You deserve better...but I'm sure you already know that.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Hubbs-man may have taken on a female role, with his prioritization of the child(ren) and removal of you as a sexual object.
> 
> It happens when females have children and raise them, they don't see how they can squeeze in a few minutes or moments of time to be affectionate to their husbands.
> 
> ...




No, not really. I had a baby but bounced back for the most part. I am 34 years old with 2 kids. I will never look like the porn chicks again...used too...when I was their age


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> [/B]
> 
> No, not really. I had a baby but bounced back for the most part. I am 34 years old with 2 kids. I will never look like the porn chicks again...used too...when I was their age


Unless at one time you were a world class athelete and trained well or you burned your self completely out in your twenties, you can look BETTER in your 30's if you train and diet properly.

You might not have a super young spirit about you, but your body and skin can look better if you start taking care of it.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Excuse me for trying to put some f*cking effort into this poor excuse of a relationship you douchnozzle.


And you plan on marrying "douchnozzle" why?

T


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Unless at one time you were a world class athelete and trained well or you burned your self completely out in your twenties, you can look BETTER in your 30's if you train and diet properly.
> 
> You might not have a super young spirit about you, but your body and skin can look better if you start taking care of it.


I appreciate the sentiment, but I am not going to fill what little free time I already have to kill myself at the gym so I can try to keep up with the 19 year old porn *****s he is watching. I work out regularly, maintain the best I can. If what I am and have isn't enough to keep him from turning into a world class a**hole, he can walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> And you plan on marrying "douchnozzle" why?
> 
> T


He still has the title, but trust me the marriage train isn't coming around anytime in the near or distant future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> He still has the title, but trust me the marriage train isn't coming around anytime in the near or distant future.


Have you asked him why he wastes his sexual energy on porn when he has you? Are you planning on moving on? Do you think this can be fixed? What's keeping you there?

T


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

He can find time for porn but not for some intimate time for you huh? Is he still being an awesome dad with his pants around his knees jerking off? What's the kid doing at those times? Wouldn't he be a better dad if he was putting that energy into his woman?

He needs to stop finding reasons to not have sex and find some reasons for it. If that means shutting down the porn operation, or at least curtailing it, that's what he should do as your partner.

It must be terrible to have a woman that gives him BJs and wants to have sex with him despite him being a "douchenozzle" and having a kid running around. Poor guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I came home today after work, saw fiancé in bed...kids were good watching cartoons. So I get in bed and tell him he should get on his back so I can take advantage of him. I give him an awesome BJ, he's happy and I then go to the store. Go through our nightly routine, make dinner, eat dinner, do some school work with my 5 year old. Time is running longer than normal, but no big deal.
> 
> Well fiancé gets some glass in his foot, and flips a switch. Suddenly I am a**hole for wanting to take time out after I got him from work to have some alone time. I should have been more concerned with making sure everything stays on schedule and my son is done with school work on time..and he and I can have alone time when we go to bed. He tells me I am a sh*tty parent for putting our sexual needs ahead of my son. That I should be thanking him for caring about my son. And how dare I get pissed at him for getting pissed at me.
> 
> ...


You have a man who is using withholding sex as a way to express things like anger. He uses it to hurt you.

The purpose of the porn is to make it so that he does not need you as much sexually so that he can play his passive agressive games with you.

This will never get better. It only gets worse. Why are you still with this guy?


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

You could Tell him you can't image yourself building a life with a man that is addicted to his own penis. Don't enable this behavior any more. Ask for pre marital counseling and he needs to find a different hobby. Sorry... No more porn If he's going to be with you, It's uncomfortable for you and it's affecting the relationship. This is a two way relationship isn't it? This is the way to me a good mother to your kids. Stand up for yourself now or it's going to be a lot harder later. You might also Send him a link to "feed the right wolf" website to get some self help if he wants it.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Don't allow yourself to be treated that way Lisa. Remember you are responsible for your own happiness via the decisions you make. Is this an ongoing thing or something new for him?


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

Maybe he started the fight to avoid having sex with you because he's having difficulty desiring your body because of the porn. He may also hate being a slave to his addiction but somehow justifies it. Lack of self control in one part of life usually bleeds into another part. Lack of respect for your feelings will also do the same thing. He needs to know how you feel and how its affecting your relationship. You can't make him do anything. All you can do is set limits on how you want to be treated. 

So what are the steps your going to take on this issue and when are you going to do them?


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

I meant to say difficulty desiring you, not your body. Big big difference.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I look at porn daily, probably to much. My sexual energy is reserved for my hot ass wife. I dont understand guys like this, i really dont. I would be super pissed if my partner was getting her jollys elswhere. Jerking off to images on a screen? compared to a real warm willing body? No f*cking comparison at all, makes no sense to me what so ever.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

What do I intend to do about this? I have no freaking clue, to be honest. Everyday I ask myself, "Do I want to be with this man today?" Every damn day, I ask myself this. It always ends in a Yes, but it's always a different reason. 

Yes- because I do love him, though I hate everything he has done to me. 

Yes- because he literally has nothing without me. No money, no job, no prospects. He is Bipolar and has a very hard time relating to people and therefore has a hard time holding a job, hence why he is home with the kids and saving in daycare. He doesn't have a car, so he would have a hard time seeing our daughter.

Yes- because the thought of him being with anyone else kills me...but also because I know a huge part of him is dying to screw around on me. Since I have been on TAM I have learned way too many tricks to catch him, so he knows if he even tries I will know in a heartbeat. He has even admitted to me that he is too intimidated by me to try and cheat again. So I guess I use staying with him a sort of punishment for him also. 

Yes- because there are no surprises with him anymore. I know what to expect, I know the signs. He can hurt me again, but I won't be blindsided. If I leave him and try moving on, get into another relationship and new guy does the same thing...maybe worse?? I don't know if those are chances I ever want to take again. 

I know there are good guys out there, but after 4 long term relationships in my adult life, all ending with me hurt in some way...I just feel done trying. 

Yes- because I really do love the man I fell in love with, and sometimes I still see him. 

My self-esteem is jacked up guys...I am not even going to lie about that...not that it isn't as obvious as the sky is blue. 
His cheating and past actions and his porn use have worn me down.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

But really, I am just trying to figure out WTF I did that was so wrong last night...I guess the roles are really switched. He is the SAHW that thinks everything takes precedence over our romantic life and I am the husband trying to connect sexually and emotionally and getting know where.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Lisa, all of your "yes" answers are just excuses. They are not good enough. They are not a reason to stay with a guy. Sometimes you see the guy you fell in love with ? Sometimes? Sometimes is not good enough.

This guy calls you an @sshole and sh!tty parent for giving him a BJ? GET THE H*LL OUT of this relationship. It's no good. You know it's know good. Being in 4 lousy long term relationships is NOT a reason make this the 5th. Do not marry this dysfunctional person. He doesn't appreciate you, respect you, honor you, or love you. Or I think you two have created your own definition of love which has no resemblance to what it really means.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

look for Uptown's posts. He writes about living with a person with BPD. You're trying to figure it out, but a person with BPD is so illogical with their thought processes and emotions, that there is no figuring it out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> My self-esteem is jacked up guys...I am not even going to lie about that...not that it isn't as obvious as the sky is blue. His cheating and past actions and his porn use have worn me down.


So as gently as I can, I want to say the following: this is on you.

You need to work on yourself. You are holding yourself back. I am confident that if another poster listed the items in your previous post, you would intellectually know exactly the advice to give. You know that now. Yet you are not doing what you need to do.

Decouple from him. Yes, easier said than done, but stop feeding off of his emotions. Stop giving to him when all he does is use that against you.

Stop working on him and start working on you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> But really, I am just trying to figure out WTF I did that was so wrong last night...I guess the roles are really switched. He is the SAHW that thinks everything takes precedence over our romantic life and I am the husband trying to connect sexually and emotionally and getting know where.


You did not do anything wrong. He was hurt (glass in the foot) and needed someone to take it out on (because of course, it could not be his fault for stepping on glass). Based on some of your previous posts, he just did what he always does - takes his anger out on you.


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

Lisa, Your seem smart and can articulate your feelings well. It seems that your very aware of yourself. (you would rather live with the pain and predictability of what you have than the possible pain and uncertainty of not being with him.) Plus you have anointed yourself the appointed caretaker of this person because you believe in your heart that he is unable to survive without you. You probably convey that enough without words and have him believe it too.

You both love him and hate how he treats you. You said his motivation for not cheating on you again is that your his mommy watching over him and that he might get kicked out if he does it again. So his motivation isn't really love for you, it's fear of getting kicked out. Is that reason really acceptable to you? Well, he gets around that boundary by indulging in his cheating fantasies without you in the picture. 

This is how parents feel about grown up kids still living in the home. Too afraid they will end up in the street homeless living out of a cardboard box so they let them live off them,not making positive contributions to the household and wasting time with excuses of why they cant keep a job, Putting up with respectfulness. etc. Yet still complain about the situation feeling like they are helpless and make excuses for them. Seriously Lisa.... Is that the kind of relationship you want? Parent and child? 

Well....... Your not helpless. Your not a victim here. Stop thinking like there's nothing you can do about it. You demanded he not cheat. demand that he stops doing the things that hurt you. (or at least be seriously assertive) Make him accountable with consequences. 

Train him how to treat you. 

If you really loved him you would have trust and believe that he can take care of himself and that he has the power to do so. He does what he does because you unwittingly enable him to do so all this time and your holding him back from acting and being an adult. He likes this arrangement because you are predictable too.

Lisa, Are you ready to do the work to help him do that? Are you worn down and fed up enough to show some self love and self respect to take some action today? For starters Google co- dependancy and get the book "co- dependant no more". If your as self aware as you come across you'll see yourself immediately. Also "feel the fear and do it anyways" is also a great book. This is an opportunity for both of you to grow. If he doesn't want help and is in denial he can always live with a friend or go to a homeless shelter where he will get a case worker who will help arrange for him to get employment training, counseling and direct him to where to find needed resources. Believe me they don't put up with anyone that doesn't want to help themselves and follow the rules for them to stay there. They've seen it all and heard all the lame excuses some people make to keep from being accountable for their life.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

twowheeltravel said:


> Lisa, Your seem smart and can articulate your feelings well. It seems that your very aware of yourself. (you would rather live with the pain and predictability of what you have than the possible pain and uncertainty of not being with him.) Plus you have anointed yourself the appointed caretaker of this person because you believe in your heart that he is unable to survive without you. You probably convey that enough without words and have him believe it too.
> 
> You both love him and hate how he treats you. You said his motivation for not cheating on you again is that your his mommy watching over him and that he might get kicked out if he does it again. So his motivation isn't really love for you, it's fear of getting kicked out. Is that reason really acceptable to you? Well, he gets around that boundary by indulging in his cheating fantasies without you in the picture.
> 
> ...


There really isn't anything I can say other than you are right...and thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Yes- because I really do love the man I fell in love with, and sometimes I still see him.


The man you fell in love with does not exist. Your fiance put on a show for you at first to get you to fall in love with you.

The man you see now... that is who your fiance is. He it not the imaginary man that you fell in love with.

From this statement it's clear that you love who you hoped he was, not who he is. You can leave him and take the imaginary man with you.


How long did you date him before you became intimate with him?

How long was it before you moved in with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is he?

How did he survive before you took the responsibility to support him?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lisa, you are a classic enabler and codependent. You must know this by now. Until you work on you, this IS all you will get. The real question is, can you ditch the old you and learn about the new you while enabling this guys behavior patterns? I didn't see anything in your list that spoke of how he loves you or how his love makes you feel. It's all about how he needs you. Don't your kids fulfill your need to be needed enough?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How old is he?
> 
> How did he survive before you took the responsibility to support him?


He is 31, I am 34. We were together 6 months when we moved to Arizona and moved in together there. 

He was renting a room and had a job when we met...it has only been since moving back to Jersey that he hasn't worked consistently. The daycare here is outrageous, so rather than him take a $10hr job that will go right to daycare anyway, we have him stay home. That way, he can't get sick of the employer, he doesn't get fired again and I am not shelling out over a $1000 a month in daycare for 2 kids.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Lisa, you are a classic enabler and codependent. You must know this by now. Until you work on you, this IS all you will get. The real question is, can you ditch the old you and learn about the new you while enabling this guys behavior patterns? I didn't see anything in your list that spoke of how he loves you or how his love makes you feel. It's all about how he needs you. Don't your kids fulfill your need to be needed enough?


Believe it or not, I don't care about him needing me. I don't want it. I want him to want to be faithful to me and to not want to hurt me. I don't want him to be with me because he has no other options. I told him as much last week...to which he says he knows he blessed and lucky to have me. That no one else would have the patience and love for him to put up with what I do...he said he can't imagine being with any one but me. 

5 days later he says what he did last night...


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Was married for 30 years. NEVER had my xw ever tell me to lay back and then give me a BJ. Had she ever, she might not be my x! He has some real issues. You stay with him, I would say the same about you. Just sayin... I would start with IC.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Was married for 30 years. NEVER had my xw ever tell me to lay back and then give me a BJ. Had she ever, she might not be my x! He has some real issues. You stay with him, I would say the same about you. Just sayin... I would start with IC.


*I* say the same about me all the time..lol 

Appointment already made for next Tuesday. 

He just called to yell at me for getting chocolate on my shirt last night (I was making brownies last night). He just threatened to leave me if I don't stop being such a slob. 

Who the heck can make brownies and not make a mess???? :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> He is 31, I am 34.


So he was able to survive on his own for years before you met him. Why do you think he cannot do that now?



lisab0105 said:


> We were together 6 months when we moved to Arizona and moved in together there.


I am going to say the following as a way to help you in future relationships....

In our society today we hook up with a love interest far too fast. Once a person has sex with someone it becomes many times more likely that we will bond to that person so strong that we cannot evaluate them properly and/or leave them if it's in our best interest. Then when you move in together the bonding gets even stronger.

It takes at least a year to get to know a person. Then another year to really know if they are marriage material. When we first meet a love interest the brain starts to pump out dopamine.. we call that feeling 'in love'. That heady feeling lasts for about 18 months. So it’s not until 18 months out that we start to see the love interest for who they really are.

A lot of people talk about how a person changes so much after marriage… always for the worst. It’s because the marriage … well that’s usually about the time that the dopamine overdosing stops. And then we finally see the real person. They are finally also acting without the dopamine overdose.

You hooked up way too early with this guy and now your are stuck because of your biology. It sound like for him he is not bonded to you in the same way you are to him (women bond stronger than men usually do). That’s why he’s using the porn as he is and why he has cheated and wants to continue to cheat. He’s looking for the next ‘in love’ high. With his bi-polar that high becomes even more of a drive for him. But now he has become financially dependent on you. He hates it but it’s easy so he stays.

You need to work on yourself and your self-esteem. At some point, if you want to be a healthy adult, you need to see that staying with him makes no sense at all. He’s not going to change. You need to change. You need to take care of yourself because no one else will. You are it. And look at the example you are giving your children. Is this what you want them to grow up to think that a relationship is about?

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I really do think this is what has been going on. He’s using you because it’s easy. He’s lazy. But he is angry at himself and you for the situation he’s in. 



lisab0105 said:


> He was renting a room and had a job when we met...it has only been since moving back to Jersey that he hasn't worked consistently. The daycare here is outrageous, so rather than him take a $10hr job that will go right to daycare anyway, we have him stay home. That way, he can't get sick of the employer, he doesn't get fired again and I am not shelling out over a $1000 a month in daycare for 2 kids.


I think it would be better to have him working and use every penny of what he earns to pay for child care. At least that way he’s maintaining a work ethic of some kind. Plus if he did, he would not be so dependent on you. 

What part of you does not want him working because if he’s home you find it easier to know that he’s not out there meeting women at work and cheating?

You are not a victim here. You are creating this hell you live in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> *I* say the same about me all the time..lol
> 
> Appointment already made for next Tuesday.
> 
> ...


Get yourself a baking shirt... and mess it all up. Wear it every time you bake... kinda like a the shirt and pants I keep for painting.. they are clean but full of paint drops and smears.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You aren't the problem.

He is being a jerk and not a loving husband.

You work, take care of the kids, schooling, dinner, sex....I mean, awesome wife and he *****es you out???

And he says things like I'll leave you if you don't stop being a slob?

Wow, what an ass he is!!!

He should be lucky to have a good woman like you.

When I get hurt, I don't take it out on my wifee. I show her my injuries and she squirms but its no huge deal.

I do sometimes lose it when something breaks or isn't cleaned up nicely and all it would of taken is a few more minutes of care, but that's it.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

You come home and the stay at home dad is in bed, he's rewarded with a BJ. Then you go shopping, cook, and do homework with the kids. Are you sure he's a stay at home dad or is he just a deadbeat? What does he do? 

Seriously, you need to go to counseling. You deserve much better than this ass hat.

Oh, and then he b!tches about getting a BJ? Wow, just wow.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Just wanted to add, and you probably know this already, if you continue in this relationship or another like it, your daughter(s?) will likely repeat the same mistakes. Ask yourself, if one of your daughters told you what you've just posted here, what would you tell her to do?

Women who do this break my heart. It's probably the fixer in me. 

Honestly, get a little therapy and deal with whatever is causing you to choose this type of guy. You have more at stake here than just you. You're a pretty young woman, you do not have to settle for this. A lot of men would bend over backwards to make you happy.

If my wife ever offered up a BJ for no reason, I wouldn't complain even if she bit it half way off.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

It's great that he is able to stay at home with the kids, not many families can afford to do that, and the benefit of having a parent stay home with kids is unparalleled. 

However, never underestimate the feeling of accomplishment, value, self-worth, and contribution one gets from going to a job every day and bringing home a paycheck - no matter what the check ends up going toward paying. 

That could be some of his issue, especially if he doesn't like housework or get a sense of accomplishment from it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> And you plan on marrying "douchnozzle" why?
> 
> T


You should retract your statement about the fiance being a douchnozzle.....A douchenozzle has some reason to exist...A man who gets p1ssy after an unsolicited blow job...Not so much...


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Your problems are going to increase because you are more successful than him, he resents that, and his resentment will grow.

Your relationship will not improve unless he gets a job and some self respect.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Believe it or not, I don't care about him needing me. I don't want it. I want him to want to be faithful to me and to not want to hurt me. I don't want him to be with me because he has no other options. I told him as much last week...to which he says he knows he blessed and lucky to have me. That no one else would have the patience and love for him to put up with what I do...he said he can't imagine being with any one but me.
> 
> 5 days later he says what he did last night...


I don't believe it at all.

What made you want to give him a BJ after working all day, coming home to face the kids and homework, dinner and bed time? 

Think and be honest with yourself. You wanted him to love you for being such a giving loving capable person. You wanted him to recognize what a gem he has. 


But what you got back is exactly what you've always gotten from him, nothing.

You got no help from him, didn't ask for help, didn't expect help, yet gave him a BJ. You obviously are doing all this nurture stuff to create a response in him that you are not ever gonna get. He is a taker, a sponge, a great thriving black hole of entitlement. He has found in you the perfect woman who will give and give and give, and still give more even though she is miserable.

You want him to give you love so you give him love but get nothing back. Wake up!

Either that, or you love to be pitiable. You love having people shake their head and wonder how you put up with all that you do. It give you a sense of power that you can take such BS from such a POS.

You know what you need to do, you are a smart woman.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab0105,

I often wonder why people end up settling for less love than they deserve, and less of a partner and relationship than it would take to have a happy fulfilling life. I wonder about this often with regard to myself.

I'm not saying I think this is you. But, if indeed you are on the verge of sealing such a fate for yourself, and twenty or thirty years into the future you could look back on this moment, this thread, this sad/stressful event in one day of your life, what do you think you would see? Do you think this future version of you would know why it was you would eventually end up settling less than you wanted, less than you needed? If so, what do you think the answer would be?

Apologies if this is a goofy exercise, just trying to give you another view of yourself, from within yourself.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Btw, I really don't like the title of your thread!

Maybe you haven't won yet, but you can, you should, and if you don't give up and if you work smarter, you will win.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Yes Lisa...print this thread and put it away some place. Open it up in a few years when you are in a much healthier relationship with a guy that appreciates you. You'll look back at this time in disbelief.

Just remember don't get permanently jaded by this disfunctional relationship. As you can see by the TAM responses, you are a person that most men would be thrilled to be in a relationship with. As a NJ person myself, hang in there, (and please get out of this mess) and do not let your kindness impact how you will relate in future relationships.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I came home today after work, saw fiancé in bed...kids were good watching cartoons. So I get in bed and tell him he should get on his back so I can take advantage of him. I give him an awesome BJ, he's happy and I then go to the store. Go through our nightly routine, make dinner, eat dinner, do some school work with my 5 year old. Time is running longer than normal, but no big deal.
> 
> Well fiancé gets some glass in his foot, and flips a switch. Suddenly I am a**hole for wanting to take time out after I got him from work to have some alone time. I should have been more concerned with making sure everything stays on schedule and my son is done with school work on time..and he and I can have alone time when we go to bed. He tells me I am a sh*tty parent for putting our sexual needs ahead of my son. That I should be thanking him for caring about my son. And how dare I get pissed at him for getting pissed at me.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear about this fight and I hope everything works out for you and everyone else involved.

I don't have any advice to give, I just wanted to comment that it really pisses me off on a personal level when some ****head like this can have his wife come home and get an awesome BJ simply because he was there while every woman in my life treats giving me a BJ like I've just asked them to eat a turnip.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> *I* say the same about me all the time..lol
> 
> Appointment already made for next Tuesday.
> 
> ...


Ok, brownies AND a BJ?

**** him.


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## Swoosh (Feb 20, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> I appreciate the sentiment, but I am not going to fill what little free time I already have to kill myself at the gym so I can try to keep up with the 19 year old porn *****s he is watching. I work out regularly, maintain the best I can. If what I am and have isn't enough to keep him from turning into a world class a**hole, he can walk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some of us like real women, I bet you're a knock-out. Shame on him for being a jerk.

My sex life with my wife has never been better, but we have worked at very hard also. Maybe a good talk will help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Ok, brownies AND a BJ?
> 
> **** him.


If she put that on her dating profile she'd have men lined up to marry her!!! :rofl:


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't believe it at all.
> 
> What made you want to give him a BJ after working all day, coming home to face the kids and homework, dinner and bed time?
> 
> ...


Ouch....this wasn't directed at me, but it IS me. I think, well I'll show him how awesome/fantastic/wonderful/thoughtful etc I am, surely he'll see it! Then nothing changes, he's still a selfish ****.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> What do I intend to do about this? I have no freaking clue, to be honest. Everyday I ask myself, "Do I want to be with this man today?" Every damn day, I ask myself this. It always ends in a Yes, but it's always a different reason.
> 
> Yes- because I do love him, though I hate everything he has done to me.
> 
> ...


Maybe you get in a relationship with a great man, who treats you wonderfully! Don't stay because you are afraid you'll find worse. That's really sad.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The man you fell in love with does not exist. Your fiance put on a show for you at first to get you to fall in love with you.
> 
> The man you see now... that is who your fiance is. He it not the imaginary man that you fell in love with.
> 
> ...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It occurs to me he's trying to build up his own self esteem by belittling you. You shouldn't stand for it. There's zero room for abusive behaviour in a relationship. Even if you're prepared to put up with it consider the damage occurring to the kids growing up with this dynamic as a role model for an adult relationship.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Ok, brownies AND a BJ?
> 
> **** him.


:rofl: HaHa...

He thinks I suck domestically, and sometimes in some cases, I probably do. I am a little absentminded and not the most organized...but I certainly try my best. If this ends with the worst he can say about me is that I didn't abort our daughter (the main reason he cheated on me) when he asked me too and I am not a good homemaker...I am okay with that.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If she put that on her dating profile she'd have men lined up to marry her!!! :rofl:


I will keep it mind if I ever venture into the dating world again lol


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> :rofl: HaHa...
> 
> He thinks I suck domestically, and sometimes in some cases, I probably do. I am a little absentminded and not the most organized...but I certainly try my best. If this ends with the worst he can say about me is that I didn't abort our daughter (the main reason he cheated on me) when he asked me too and I am not a good homemaker...I am okay with that.


If you really do try, it can't be that bad. Maybe not Martha Stewart caliber, but who is? especially with kids?

And I don't get why he wanted you to abort, or why he felt that was a good reason to cheat. Did I miss something here in this thread? Frankly, there is no reason to cheat, regardless. Just walk away.

Assuming that's you in your profile pic, then you'd have no trouble getting another guy, and a good one at that, based on what you have posted here (sexual and otherwise). Don't let yourself be held back by someone not worthy of what you have to offer. If you think you can do better for you, and your daughter, get at it and kick this emotionally abusive dork to the curb and save those brownies and BJ's for someone who truly earns them.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> *I* say the same about me all the time..lol
> 
> Appointment already made for next Tuesday.
> 
> ...


Problem SOLVED !!! Just eat like a slob a few times and one day when you get home he will be gone...

Sounds like where this is going anyways...


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I don't mean to be cute with your problems - that's not really fair.

But the truth is that if you want something good in your life you have to make tough choices and you have to make room for the good things that you want.

This guy does not sound good at all. You do , but you are also "stuck." You need to get yourself unstuck.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

MissMe said:


> Maybe you get in a relationship with a great man, who treats you wonderfully! Don't stay because you are afraid you'll find worse. That's really sad.


I recall when I first started dating my wife (~20 years ago), and hearing her stories of how her previous boyfriends/dates treated her. It was really just difficult to comprehend, on a couple of levels. 

First, because, as much as I think I'm a great guy, the men I've called friends are great guys too. And, generally, the men I've worked with seemed like great guys and dad's too. Seemed to me like the sea is full of good men eager, or at least willing, to treat a woman well, with respect, with love.

Second, as bright and beautiful and sexy as she was, she could have easily kept dumping them (quickly!) at the first sign of trouble, until she got to a good one (like me!!), but she stayed with some for 3 or 4 years. It seemed, and still seems looking back, that she must not have realized that she was worthy of something better, and that, as long as she refused to settle for less, she would eventually find the love she had always deserved. She must not have felt that in her bones. How that came to be, I have my theories. What she could have done about it, once she had lost the realization of what good things she deserved and were awaiting her if she would just leave these jerks behind to waller in their own mess, I don't know. But, if she had never left them, the good times we had never would have been. 

I have daughters, still growing. Some day, if they need it, I will introduce them to the Tori Amos song that goes something like this "When you going to love you like I do?" It's in the voice of her father, I think.

Lisa*, don't ever doubt that you deserve to feel loved, and have your needs met. None of my business, I suppose, just an old guy sitting halfway across the internet reading some of your pain. But, I wonder if you know you deserve to be cherished.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Lisa, you can do much better than this guy. Look at the red flags flying. I would hold off on the marriage. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? He seems very selfish to me. Just my opinion, but I wish you well.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Went to my first IC the other day...she was more interested in putting me on meds than anything else. Said I had severe depression and anxiety over the cheating (I already knew that). I feel like I would have been better luck just flushing $60 bucks down the toilet and coming here for an hour.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Went to my first IC the other day...she was more interested in putting me on meds than anything else. Said I had severe depression and anxiety over the cheating (I already knew that). I feel like I would have been better luck just flushing $60 bucks down the toilet and coming here for an hour.


I hope this wont sour you on IC in general. Each would-be counselor is different, and it can take a little time to get down to the real business. Was it a PhD, PsyD, MSW, LMFT, ...?

Re. Meds, are you biased against them in general, or feel they are not what you need? Personally, I've seen them (SSRIs) do good for me and my wife and not so good.

How bad/frequent is the anxiety? I don't recall you mentioning it directly.

If you don't mind me asking, that is.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> ...he says he knows he blessed and lucky to have me. That no one else would have the patience and love for him to put up with what I do...he said he can't imagine being with any one but me.


Then do the thing that has to be done to save the relationship, leave him, remove yourself from the confusing, backward, twisted thinking of this relationship, cause it to reboot, start over, make him pursue you and ask you to come back. You don't need a counselor to fix this, you just need the courage to do the hard thing.

Leave, he'll either pursue you or he won't, you win either way.

T


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

I thought you were going to counseling together? What steps is he doing to improve the relationship?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lisab0105,

Just wanted to say I'm very impressed with your posts on Laila619's thread.

I wish you could be so thoughtful, protective, insightful, and loving towards yourself in your own situation. (Not saying that's easy to do. Just wishing.)


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> Lisab0105,
> 
> Just wanted to say I'm very impressed with your posts on Laila619's thread.
> 
> I wish you could be so thoughtful, protective, insightful, and loving towards yourself in your own situation. (Not saying that's easy to do. Just wishing.)


Thank you, and you have no idea how much I wish the same for myself. 

If I stepped out of my body long enough, I would kick my own @ss.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Holy f"cking blowup batman!!! 

He calls me yesterday and tells me that he doesn't think it is fair that my depression is all put on him. He doesn't believe that my past relationships don't have anything to do with how I have felt since the truth came out. 

I told him, "Being as I am the only one in my head and I know how I felt before I found out you cheated and I know how I felt after I knew you cheated, I can tell you, without a doubt...what did to me for 6 months straight has traumatized me, made me incredibly depressed and sometimes, it is so bad I want nothing more than to die just to feel relief from the pain you caused." (disclaimer: I would never hurt myself) He doesn't believe me, I told him he doesn't understand...which resulted in him telling me to go kill myself, get in a car wreck on the way home. He doesn't care about me. Mind you, this isn't the first time he has told me to go kill myself when we get in arguments. He says it for the "shock value". So I came home from work and confronted him on his horrible words. In the end, he told me to stop pushing the issue or he would do something he would regret. Not something physically to me, but something like cheating again. 

He refuses to leave because he is on the lease. And I refuse to leave because I pay for the damn house and I won't rip the kids out of their home. And I like my house. So, I have no idea where we stand. I hate this side of him. I hate so many sides of him. 

No matter what, he wins. He cheated and I stayed or He cheated and I end it..but he still gets to stay and will be screwing someone else within 48 hours. Winner winner chicken dinner! 

I am left with a broken relationship and I get to watch him move on. 

So f*cked up!!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Holy f"cking blowup batman!!!
> 
> He calls me yesterday and tells me that he doesn't think it is fair that my depression is all put on him. He doesn't believe that my past relationships don't have anything to do with how I have felt since the truth came out.
> 
> ...


That is ****ed up.

First thing first, be sure you don't hurt yourself. This man is not worth it (no one is IMO).

Secondly, I have a question. You say his name is on the lease, but you pay for the house. If that is so, how would he stay if you left? Wouldn't he be financially unable to make it work?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> That is ****ed up.
> 
> First thing first, be sure you don't hurt yourself. This man is not worth it (no one is IMO).
> 
> Secondly, I have a question. You say his name is on the lease, but you pay for the house. If that is so, how would he stay if you left? Wouldn't he be financially unable to make it work?


Oh don't worry, I would never do anything to myself or any one else. 

Oh he wouldn't be able to pay it, the landlord would end up evicting us for non-payment. Even if I wasn't there, I would still get an eviction on my credit. Being as I am in Property Management, it will not only hurt me getting another place to live, it would also impact my future employment.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh don't worry, I would never do anything to myself or any one else.
> 
> Oh he wouldn't be able to pay it, the landlord would end up evicting us for non-payment. Even if I wasn't there, I would still get an eviction on my credit. Being as I am in Property Management, it will not only hurt me getting another place to live, it would also impact my future employment.


But can't you move out without move him, give YOUR notice and leave, so that the eviction doesn't impact your credit?

I can't possibly imagine this scenario hasn't played out before, so someone must know a way to get you out without affecting your credit.

Honestly Lisa, you seem like a very nice person who has a great ability to try and fight for a relationship well past when it's done, I'd hate to see you waste away there. I'm not saying leave, but I am saying you should explore your options and set up an exit strategy so that when it comes to leave (if it comes) you can just get up and get out.

I don't know how you can possibly enjoy the prospects of speanding the rest of your life with someone who regularly wishes you would die, even if it's said in anger. That's not love. As someone who has found love, I know that's not it. 

Take care of yourself and your children Lisa. God bless you.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> But can't you move out without move him, give YOUR notice and leave, so that the eviction doesn't impact your credit?
> 
> I can't possibly imagine this scenario hasn't played out before, so someone must know a way to get you out without affecting your credit.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, once a lease is in place, I can't be removed unless both parties (him and I) agree to take me off and he assumes sole responsibility of the lease. THAT will never happen. Not on his part anyway.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Unfortunately, once a lease is in place, I can't be removed unless both parties (him and I) agree to take me off and he assumes sole responsibility of the lease. THAT will never happen. Not on his part anyway.


When does the lease expire, or have a chance for you to remove your name from it?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Believe it or not, I don't care about him needing me. I don't want it.* I want him to want to be* faithful to me and to not want to hurt me.* I don't want him to be with me because he has no other options*. I told him as much last week...to which he says he knows he blessed and lucky to have me. That *no one else would have the patience and love for him to put up with what I do*...he said he can't imagine being with any one but me.
> 
> 5 days later he says what he did last night...


You want him to be something/someone he can't be. 

He *is* with you because he has no other options.

Just because no one else would put up with him doesn't mean you should. This doesn't sound like a good relationship. 

He doesn't sound like a very lovable guy.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> When does the lease expire, or have a chance for you to remove your name from it?


Expires February


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I believe you need legal advice to help extract yourself from this situation. 

I can't for the life of me imagine telling someone to go kill themselves. Particularly if that person is someone you once professed to love. I think you're right in that it is for shock value but that doesn't make it excusable. I think he has issues way beyond your ability to deal with and it's dragging you down too. 

You can't save everyone...sometimes you have to save yourself first.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Expires February


Could you speak to the landlord about the situation and see if you could get out earlier, like in say a few months, or even in six months? 9 months is a long time to be stuck with someone you don't care for and who is mentally abusive.

Either way, keep posting here so we know you're ok. Take care of you and those kiddies!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> What do I intend to do about this? I have no freaking clue, to be honest. Everyday I ask myself, "Do I want to be with this man today?" Every damn day, I ask myself this. It always ends in a Yes, but it's always a different reason.


Every day? Then the real answer is surely NO. You are just excusing his behavior on a daily basis wishing he could be something he never will be.



lisab0105 said:


> Yes- because I do love him, though I hate everything he has done to me.


Then what is left to love about him?



lisab0105 said:


> Yes- because he literally has nothing without me. No money, no job, no prospects. He is Bipolar and has a very hard time relating to people and therefore has a hard time holding a job, hence why he is home with the kids and saving in daycare. He doesn't have a car, so he would have a hard time seeing our daughter.


So what? You are NOT his mother. He is a grown man and should do everything in his power to see his kids if you break up. It's not your responsibility to make him a good father.



lisab0105 said:


> Yes- because the thought of him being with anyone else kills me...but also because I know a huge part of him is dying to screw around on me. Since I have been on TAM I have learned way too many tricks to catch him, so he knows if he even tries I will know in a heartbeat. He has even admitted to me that he is too intimidated by me to try and cheat again. So I guess I use staying with him a sort of punishment for him also.


That's not a reason to stay with someone. You should get IC for this.



lisab0105 said:


> Yes- because there are no surprises with him anymore. I know what to expect, I know the signs. He can hurt me again, but I won't be blindsided. If I leave him and try moving on, get into another relationship and new guy does the same thing...maybe worse?? I don't know if those are chances I ever want to take again.


Yes, and you knowing him you can always expect to be on your toes...you always know more BS is right around the corner.

You can't sit and worry about a new guy being worse and use that as an excuse to stay with the current loser. 

Don't you realize you deserve more than this?
Are you so co-dependent you HAVE to have a man in your life at all time?
Do you have ANY concerns about what your children are learning about relationships (that this dysfunction and unhappiness is normal and can be expected)?



lisab0105 said:


> I know there are good guys out there, but after 4 long term relationships in my adult life, all ending with me hurt in some way...I just feel done trying.
> 
> Yes- because I really do love the man I fell in love with, and sometimes I still see him.
> 
> ...


Don't throw in the towel and settle with a dolt just because you are afraid of being alone. It's not selfish to pursue a happy life without this guy.

I hope you find your self-worth.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab0105,

Are there provisions in your lease to break it? I once broke a lease. Cost me the equivalent of 2 months rent. But sometimes it is worth it.

Might be impossible to do that, without his cooperation.

Perhaps a real-estate lawyer knows of an alternative you haven't thought of to deal with the lease, one that would allow you to split sooner, if that's what you want to do.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Oh my. He is a jerk. Kick him out of the bedroom and begin living like room mates until the lease is up. Please do not marry this idiot. CAn you check out his computer? If he is saying no to you....I will bet he is a porn addict and that is where his anger and crap is coming from. 

He is treating you terribly....you may not be able to kick him out but sever the relationship.

And by the way, the counselor talked about meds for depression and anxiety. You know that may not be such a bad thing. Just to help you handle stuff and get your head and heart back healthy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I came home today after work, saw fiancé in bed...kids were good watching cartoons. So I get in bed and tell him he should get on his back so I can take advantage of him. I give him an awesome BJ, he's happy and I then go to the store. Go through our nightly routine, make dinner, eat dinner, do some school work with my 5 year old. Time is running longer than normal, but no big deal.
> 
> Well fiancé gets some glass in his foot, and flips a switch. Suddenly I am a**hole for wanting to take time out after I got him from work to have some alone time. I should have been more concerned with making sure everything stays on schedule and my son is done with school work on time..and he and I can have alone time when we go to bed. He tells me I am a sh*tty parent for putting our sexual needs ahead of my son. That I should be thanking him for caring about my son. And how dare I get pissed at him for getting pissed at me.
> 
> ...


This man is letting you know exactly who he is.

So the only question is, what's wrong with you that you're seriously intending to marry this person?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He reached a new low, his shock and awe of choice tonight..."yeah I f*cked her, it was great, I loved it."

Im pretty sure I lost my mind on him. Telling me to kill myself is one thing, bragging about screwing the girl he cheated with....f'ck that 

I will never marry this man, he is a selfish, evil @sshole. 

Found a new counselor, been going a couple weeks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lisa, if you are in property management you know there are ways to physically get him out, or get yourself out. 

Are you going to keep living with this toxic waste dump until February?

Do you want to have a better life?

Do you want to have a relationship with a man who not only loves you but will put as much effort into the relationship as you?

Sometimes, we live in the hell of our own making. Not because we actually make life hell, but because we tolerate hell and fail to take steps to end that hell.

Make a plan. See a lawyer. Talk to your landlord. Begin making plans to leave this hellish life with Mr. Toxic Waste Dump!


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I'd think as the one who is actually paying rent you'd have a little pull with the landlord. You've got to lose this chump. He's a waste of oxygen.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

If you are not on the lease in any way (legally binding, if you signed the lease and agreed to pay for a year) 

Or you are listed only as a tenant, there should be no legal issue whatsoever. I would go to the landlord/lease office and tell them to remove you as a tenant, you're moving out. 

I am on my BFs lease as a tenant. I have zero obligation to pay rent as far as the landlord is concerned. And the courts for that matter. 

I'm assuming it varies from state to state, but I'm also assuming most leases concerning being listed as an occupant versus being the lessee are more similar than not.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I just have two words "protective order"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh guys, I promise, If I could force him off the lease I would. We are both equal primary tenants on the lease. The only way to get off is if we both sign and agree for me or him to leave. Or if I have a restraining order but there hasn't been physical violence.

I am not sharing a room with him any more...I am just going to wait him out. Eventually, he will leave on his own because if we are not together, he is going to want a warm body eventually and living in a house with his ex-fiancé and kids will put a major cramp in his style. 

I asked him if he was satisfied with the result of his "shock value" tonight...he said I need to learn to control myself :roflI did do the ugly growly screaming thing at him). The man is clueless about his own faults.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> He reached a new low, his shock and awe of choice tonight..."yeah I f*cked her, it was great, I loved it."
> 
> Im pretty sure I lost my mind on him. Telling me to kill myself is one thing, bragging about screwing the girl he cheated with....f'ck that
> 
> ...


If I recall right, you pretty much pay for everything, correct?

So which you may have a legal obligation to stay on the lease, you don't have a legal obligation to buy food (or only enough for you and your child), pay for the car insurance, pay the cable bill, buy his favorite shampoo, etc.

Make him get by on breadcrumbs and tell him it will change when he agrees to take over the lease solely because you want out. If not, enjoy 9 months of a very lean lifestyle. Don't forget, you can still buy those things, just don't bring them into the house. So if you have a good friend nearby, go to her place to shower, store some food, etc. and only you and your child can go there. 

When he or you finally finally leaves, tell him "yeah I f*cked you over, it was great, I loved it."


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> If I recall right, you pretty much pay for everything, correct?
> 
> So which you may have a legal obligation to stay on the lease, you don't have a legal obligation to buy food (or only enough for you and your child), pay for the car insurance, pay the cable bill, buy his favorite shampoo, etc.
> 
> ...


Oh already in that mode. No more paying for his hockey nights or equipment or his cell phone. That will hurt more than anything. No more making him dinner or him joining us for family meals. He has shown how not important this family is to him...he doesn't need us so we don't need him.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

In some states the abuse doesn't have to be physical, to get a po. Mental abuse is abuse just the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lisab0105,

Don't underestimate the landlord's willingness to work something out. Why wouldn't you just ask him/her what might be possible?

Also, in NJ, to break a lease, you do not need to be a victim of violence. It is enough to be threatened or otherwise be at risk or something like that... Google "break lease in NJ".


EDIT: here's what NJ gov website says as reason "6" why a lease can be broken:

If by continuing to live at the rental unit, a tenant, or a tenant’s child faces an imminent threat of serious physical harm from another named person. The tenant must give a 30 day notice in order to terminate the lease. The rent must be pro-rated up until the date of the lease termination. (New Jersey Safe Housing Act, N.J.S.A. 46:8-9.4 et seq.)


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