# Reactions to OM/OW



## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

I find it a bit qurious that so many, men mostly, keep posting about hurting the OM or how much they despice him.

I agree that it's not very nice to bang somebody married but the OM/OW is not the one being unfaitfull to you. That is your WS. And for me that should be the one you would want to hurt. Does it have something to do with restoring your ego, showing you are the bigger alpha male? Don't get me wrong I would most likley be quite p*ssed at the OM but I would never try to physically hurt him. I would only lower my self by doing that in my own view of myself.

Also a lot are very against contacting the OM/OW to ask them what happened. Why is that? 

Worst case you get the same story as your WS told you. Best case you get a more complete story. Something to use as leverage against your WS.

My brother did contact the OM. If he hadn't he would not have gotten the full story from his exW. She was trickle truthing and rugsweeping a lot.

I'm interested in your thoughts on this matter.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my case, OW#1 was a close friend. So, yeah, I think I have the right to feel just as angry with her as with my husband. She did, after all, lie to me every day for years and betray me in a big way.

OW#2 and OW#3 I don't know at all. While I think they're both scummy and sl*tty, I have no real anger toward them. They were both married and cheating, so they're bad people, but they didn't betray me personally.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Rowan said:


> In my case, OW#1 was a close friend. So, yeah, I think I have the right to feel just as angry with her as with my husband. She did, after all, lie to me every day for years and betray me in a big way.
> 
> OW#2 and OW#3 I don't know at all. While I think they're both scummy and sl*tty, I have no real anger toward them. They were both married and cheating, so they're bad people, but they didn't betray me personally.


OW#1 I understand. That is a betrayal of you as well. 

OW#2 and #3 That is totaly what I'm about.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In general, my thought is that it's easier to blame someone else rather than your spouse, especially if you're trying to reconcile. Thus the anger towards them. 

Second, you can't believe what the OP says anyway. They have no reason to be truthful. So why bother?

Btw, I'm speaking as someone who cheated, but has never been cheated on (as far as I know).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The OM pursued my ww, so at first I blamed him for 
going after her. 

Not that I would act on it, but at that time I wanted to
turn his skull into oatmeal with a crowbar.

A lot of that was posturing on my part.
Showing her I was the man and nobody was going to
mess with my family and get away with it.

It only took a couple of months before that anger turned towards 
my ww and I saw it for what it was... acts that _she_ dictated, not him.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

My opinion most BS still love their spouse so to want to beat the sh*t out of them isn't an option, but the OM well that is a different story. Look at it as defending your territory, you don't burn your house down to you drive the attackers away you attack them or want to.
Of course you never lose sight that your spouse made the decision to cheat no matter how much the OM chased them they decided to allow someone else to shove their d*ck into them.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

I wanted to take the OW and throw her to the wolves ! hahah But after speaking with her, I found that she was actually an innocent. She believed what he told her, and why wouldn't she, you always believe a new person until proven wrong. He lied to her. She did what I was doing, protecting a person she cared about, thinking she knew. I think it is really important to talk to the OW/OM. You can't know the truth if you only know half the story.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When the POSOM, in his messages to her, calls you every name in the book, insults your character and manhood, brags about having sex with your wife, boasts to her that he can't wait to tell me he's been f**cking her, tries to convince her to do a 3some with another man; 

Yeah, I kind of take that personal. And to my dying day if I have another opportunity to f*ck up his life, I'll do it in a heartbeat.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My H is 100% responsible for betraying me but the OW must take some blame too.
She went all out to get him, she knew he was married with 3 kids, she knew she was destroying 2 families.
I asked her to back off 3 times and she still didn't. She wanted to boot her H out and just replace him with mine, without a thought about my kids, her kids or anyone else.
I don't hate easily. But I hate her. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if she got crushed by a bus tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's not about blame. Each one have their personal responsability.
To me it's about "properly" channeling your anger. AP is a legitimate target anyway but if you are going to R you can't afford to unload exclusively at your BS (who should be grateful you spare some name calling on others, AP, toxic friends, etc). Even if you are divorcing but you need to coparent redirecting a good deal of the anger to AP is simply "convenient" for everyone.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Acabado said:


> It's not about blame. Each one have their personal responsability.
> To me it's about "properly" channeling your anger. AP is a legitimate target anyway but if you are going to R you can't afford to unload exclusively at your BS (who should be grateful you spare some name calling on others, AP, toxic friends, etc). Even if you are divorcing but you need to coparent redirecting a good deal of the anger to AP is simply "convenient" for everyone.


I've read where it's typical for the BS to unconsciously redirect much of their anger toward the AP, to further avoid damaging their love for the WS. That's probably true.

But I don't care.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

After spending time here, if I should ever have another problem, I think I would try to talk directly to the OW. But first, I would gather the info; then expose to her partner or anyone else relevant and then see if I could speak to her directly.

I think it would be interesting to see it from her side. But I am curious like that. For example, with my fiance, he tried to kiss his EA, full open mouth he admitted to me and she rejected him. 

I can see that same night she sent him a text accusing him of leading her on. My fiancé keeps saying that she was after him and obviously didn't take seriously the relationship he and I had. I think rather, she was enjoying having this eunuch / walking credit card hanging around her and that that attempted kiss let her know that that type of relationship was coming to an end.

I can't say that I hate her, but I have decided that I don't like that type of woman (textbook 20 something trying to manage a harem of male friends and doesn't mind ruining relationships to keep the focus on her.) If anything, I would be amused to see how frustrated she might since her trump card, that is her relative youth, didn't much for her this time.

Oh well,he and I have moved on. But you can't help but be curious......


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

It's about accountability...this OM/OW participated in injuring your life. Hearts broken, children traumatized, families divided & etc...

If someone stepped on your foot, by accident, wouldn't you expect an apology? This OM/OW helped sh*t on your life and you are going to stand there and just speak wimpy liberal blah blah to yourself?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

In my case, the OM was a good friend of mine for 20 years. He carried on an affair with my wife, while eating at my table, patting me on the back many times as to being my buddy. My xw has some mental issues and he took full advantage of that knowledge (gained from talking to me) and worked her like no bodys business. I blame her as well, she doesnt get a pass. It was only at the insistence of my children who called my brother to intervene that saved that POSOM a$$. I finally resolved myself to let him live, mainly because he has already had a bout with cancer, and I believe it will someday come back. I dont want to miss out on the slow painful death he is going to have. Cant wait to pi$$ on his grave.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Honestly, my EX and the OM are just POS. I forgave them both... I'm too busy trying to be the mom and dad my kids. When I see him, which is not often anymore, I do find it easy to channel my rage at the gym.

I couldn't care less about OM(s) and EX. I hate Tuesday's when I have to give my kids over to my POSXW!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

OM knew my WW was married. He persued her in the full knowledge he was destroying a family. He only cared about getting off.

My W paid a price.

OM deserved to pay a price as well.


I know OM made it a habit to go after married women. If more people dealt with him the right way he never would have gone after my W or others.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

love=pain said:


> My opinion most BS still love their spouse so to want to beat the sh*t out of them isn't an option, but the OM well that is a different story. Look at it as defending your territory, you don't burn your house down to you drive the attackers away you attack them or want to.
> Of course you never lose sight that your spouse made the decision to cheat no matter how much the OM chased them they decided to allow someone else to shove their d*ck into them.


this.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

badmemory said:


> When the POSOM, in his messages to her, calls you every name in the book, insults your character and manhood, brags about having sex with your wife, boasts to her that he can't wait to tell me he's been f**cking her, tries to convince her to do a 3some with another man;
> 
> Yeah, I kind of take that personal. And to my dying day if I have another opportunity to f*ck up his life, I'll do it in a heartbeat.


and this.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

PBear said:


> In general, my thought is that it's easier to blame someone else rather than your spouse, especially if you're trying to reconcile. Thus the anger towards them.
> 
> Second, you can't believe what the OP says anyway. They have no reason to be truthful. So why bother?
> 
> ...


I guess this makes a lot of sence.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

love=pain said:


> My opinion most BS still love their spouse so to want to beat the sh*t out of them isn't an option, but the OM well that is a different story. Look at it as defending your territory, you don't burn your house down to you drive the attackers away you attack them or want to.
> Of course you never lose sight that your spouse made the decision to cheat no matter how much the OM chased them they decided to allow someone else to shove their d*ck into them.


Yes I can see that partialy. But for me it it is not the OM/OW that is burning down your house its your W/H.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

badmemory said:


> When the POSOM, in his messages to her, calls you every name in the book, insults your character and manhood, brags about having sex with your wife, boasts to her that he can't wait to tell me he's been f**cking her, tries to convince her to do a 3some with another man;
> 
> Yeah, I kind of take that personal. And to my dying day if I have another opportunity to f*ck up his life, I'll do it in a heartbeat.


For me this is different. I would also take that personal and want to f*ck that person up. But not for the infifidellity but because all that he sais and does regarding badmouthing you and such.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

PBear said:


> In general, my thought is that it's easier to blame someone else rather than your spouse, especially if you're trying to reconcile. Thus the anger towards them.
> 
> Second, you can't believe what the OP says anyway. They have no reason to be truthful. So why bother?
> 
> ...


No ofcause you can't be sure that the OM/OW tells the truth. But if that story doesn't match up with the WS story you have something that could lead you closer to the truth. Specially if your WS is rugsweeping and trickle truthing.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> My H is 100% responsible for betraying me but the OW must take some blame too.
> She went all out to get him, she knew he was married with 3 kids, she knew she was destroying 2 families.
> I asked her to back off 3 times and she still didn't. She wanted to boot her H out and just replace him with mine, without a thought about my kids, her kids or anyone else.
> I don't hate easily. But I hate her. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if she got crushed by a bus tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure the OM/OW have some blame to accept as well. But they are not betraying you unless ithey are a friend or family member. I would not bat an eyelid either but I wouldn't go after them to physically hurt them either.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Acabado said:


> It's not about blame. Each one have their personal responsability.
> To me it's about "properly" channeling your anger. AP is a legitimate target anyway but if you are going to R you can't afford to unload exclusively at your BS (who should be grateful you spare some name calling on others, AP, toxic friends, etc). Even if you are divorcing but you need to coparent redirecting a good deal of the anger to AP is simply "convenient" for everyone.


I'm fine with blaming. Not with physically hurting though.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Sure the OM/OW have some blame to accept as well. But they are not betraying you unless ithey are a friend or family member. I would not bat an eyelid either but I wouldn't go after them to physically hurt them either.


Thats just the kind of person you are. There is nothing wrong with that at all. 
The things i would do to OM *if i knew i could get away with it* freaks even me out sometimes. 
But i wouldnt get away with it. So i dont do it. As a matter of fact i avoid him PURPOSEFULLY.
And that took a supreme effort of will on my part because thats how i have dealt with conflict my entire life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

cj9947 said:


> It's about accountability...this OM/OW participated in injuring your life. Hearts broken, children traumatized, families divided & etc...
> 
> If someone stepped on your foot, by accident, wouldn't you expect an apology? This OM/OW helped sh*t on your life and you are going to stand there and just speak wimpy liberal blah blah to yourself?


I would want an apology, I would trash talk, I would hate. I would not be wimpy but I would not get physical. For me that would just lower me to OM/OW/WS level. 

Then again it might be a cultural thing?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i hate the om until my fog cleared now he is on my christmas card list for talking the worthless loser XW from me bets thing anyone could have ever done for me


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> In my case, the OM was a good friend of mine for 20 years. He carried on an affair with my wife, while eating at my table, patting me on the back many times as to being my buddy. My xw has some mental issues and he took full advantage of that knowledge (gained from talking to me) and worked her like no bodys business. I blame her as well, she doesnt get a pass. It was only at the insistence of my children who called my brother to intervene that saved that POSOM a$$. I finally resolved myself to let him live, mainly because he has already had a bout with cancer, and I believe it will someday come back. I dont want to miss out on the slow painful death he is going to have. Cant wait to pi$$ on his grave.


Ouch... THat is rough. From my point of view you got betrayed by both your WS and OM. I fully understand you here.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I would want an apology, I would trash talk, I would hate. I would not be wimpy but I would not get physical. For me that would just lower me to OM/OW/WS level.
> 
> Then again it might be a cultural thing?


Perhaps cultural. But sometimes "trash talking" makes it so your ass has to cash the checks your mouth writes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

My STBXH has my name tattooed on his wedding ring finger. So for her to give a lame azz excuse like "I didnt know he was married", is plain bull****! I am angry at her, but my real anger is directed at my STBXH. I feel ow is a ***** though! My coworkers brother used to work with her husband. I guess this isn't her first affair. I don't feel she is innocent, but in essence she doesn't owe me anything. She is betraying her husband and family. Not to mention, they will both get that reputation of being homewreckers, at their gossip mill job. Just like a tiger doesn't lose it's stripes, a ****ty ***** cannot learn to close her legs. My STBXH is the one to blame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

AM2013 said:


> The OW in my case was my best friend also. So, I did want both sides of the story. Initially, within 5 minutes of my husband confessing, I called her and just shouted, " how could you do this to me?" and she said something like "What? He is just confused, nothing happened". I hung up as I realized she was just going to spew lies.
> 
> Then, I set out to destroy her life, and it went better than I initially could have hoped. I called her soon to be ex husband, and told him everything. He filed for custody of their much loved 2yo boy, and he won. Then I contacted a woman at her work and told her to watch her husband carefully because the OW had tried to steal mine, and the OW walked out of that job and never went back. She also had to change churches, and move out of our town because I told everyone! and she couldn't go to the small town grocery without getting evil looks.
> 
> ...


This was just one of the best outcomes I have ever heard. I'm glad things worked out that well for you.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> My STBXH has my name tattooed on his wedding ring finger. So for her to give a lame azz excuse like "I didnt know he was married", is plain bull****! I am angry at her, but my real anger is directed at my STBXH. I feel ow is a ***** though! My coworkers brother used to work with her husband. I guess this isn't her first affair. I don't feel she is innocent, but in essence she doesn't owe me anything. She is betraying her husband and family. Not to mention, they will both get that reputation of being homewreckers, at their gossip mill job. Just like a tiger doesn't lose it's stripes, a ****ty ***** cannot learn to close her legs. My STBXH is the one to blame.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly my thoughts too.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> i hate the om until my fog cleared now he is on my christmas card list for talking the worthless loser XW from me bets thing anyone could have ever done for me


Ha Ha that is quite funny. Does your xW know?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

To me, it's about eliminating recidivism and looking out for my fellow man. 

When I stomp POSOM's genital region into an oatmeal-like consistency, he won't be screwing around with yet another man's wife and life.

As a side benefit, his DNA won't be able to contaminate the general population.

It's altruism in its purist form.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

OM was a close friend. He was a real piece of work. I started suspecting something was up but had no proof and confronted my wife. She lied and I bought it. The next day, a group of friends had scheduled a golf outing and who do I get to ride with...OM. I felt terrible at the time because I thought I was falsely accusing them of inappropriate behavior. I actually apologized to him during the outing. I later discovered he and my wife were texting back and forth during the golf round and they had an hour long conversation afterword. 

It's been a year and a half and I still get worked up about it sometimes. I sometimes feel he never got what he deserved as he TT his wife and she rug swept the whole thing. He'll get his one day but beating the crap out of him would just be a temporary solution...although a fun one.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

xOM shook my hand when he met me...AFTER he'd been banging my wife for a year and continued to do so knowing my life as a pilot took me out of town. He took total advantage of it and yes, so did my wife.

I almost caught up to the f'er last July on the golf course. I had an 8 iron in my hand and it would have been extremely bad for both of us.

That said, I have taken an 8 iron to my wife in the form of words. Trust me...words can be violent as well.

I laugh at his plight now...former attorney working as a glorified salesman while he pays gobs of money to his wife for alimoney and child support. Meanwhile, I'm getting ready to move to Florida with ALL of my family to start over.

See - if I had beaten the sh-t outta him with that 8 iron, forgiveness would have been a possibility with him. That didn't happen so I will smile every f'ng holiday I spend with my family.


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

I've come to find out in the past couple of days my wife had an EA (at least) going back many years, with less involved but still disloyal behaviors with men since. I think for me, reacting to the OM from her EA even back then without knowing fully what went on, I was always amazed at how so many people treated this guy like a king. 

He was a manager with primarily female employees, several of whom he treated like a private harem. He eventually married one of them and only slowed down a little in his getting around with the various female staff. So remembering all this only increases my desire, then and now, to confront him and hurt him. I never did thankfully. 

One thing that still gets me is how so many people, including the women at my wife's work, just acted like all of this was OM's right, like he was so great that of course he was nailing everything in sight. I don't get that at all, even his now wife had to have known seeing as she worked there and was one of them. It strangely reminds me of being in school and not understanding why the biggest d-bag was always catered to by guys, girls, and even teachers. I guess socially in some ways we never grow up.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

To be honest I have every right to be mad at the MOW. Ecspecially after going through my FWH's facebook with a fine tooth comb. She flattered and sent pictures with in 1 month of first contact. What kind of woman does that? She knew he was married with kids and was married with kids herself. She is a serial cheater with extreme issues.

And yes I am a firm believer in contacting the OW/OM....I did. Does that make them less of liar....NO. But I got my point across.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

underwater2010 said:


> To be honest I have every right to be mad at the MOW. Ecspecially after going through my FWH's facebook with a fine tooth comb. She flattered and sent pictures with in 1 month of first contact. What kind of woman does that? She knew he was married with kids and was married with kids herself. She is a serial cheater with extreme issues.
> 
> And yes I am a firm believer in contacting the OW/OM....I did. Does that make them less of liar....NO. But I got my point across.


I am curious how she responded...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Moses said both the other man and the wayward spouse should be annihilated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> To be honest I have every right to be mad at the MOW. Ecspecially after going through my FWH's facebook with a fine tooth comb. She flattered and sent pictures with in 1 month of first contact. What kind of woman does that? She knew he was married with kids and was married with kids herself. She is a serial cheater with extreme issues.
> 
> And yes I am a firm believer in contacting the OW/OM....I did. Does that make them less of liar....NO. But I got my point across.


i definitely got my point across.
_definitely_.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

WhiteMousse said:


> Moses said both the other man and the wayward spouse should be annihilated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well one of the 10 commandments also states that you should not kill...


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

underwater2010 said:


> To be honest I have every right to be mad at the MOW. Ecspecially after going through my FWH's facebook with a fine tooth comb. She flattered and sent pictures with in 1 month of first contact. What kind of woman does that? She knew he was married with kids and was married with kids herself. She is a serial cheater with extreme issues.
> 
> And yes I am a firm believer in contacting the OW/OM....I did. Does that make them less of liar....NO. But I got my point across.


Of cause you have every right to be mad. It's using physical force to beat OM/OW up that I don't understand.



SomedayDig said:


> xOM shook my hand when he met me...AFTER he'd been banging my wife for a year and continued to do so knowing my life as a pilot took me out of town. He took total advantage of it and yes, so did my wife.
> 
> I almost caught up to the f'er last July on the golf course. I had an 8 iron in my hand and it would have been extremely bad for both of us.
> 
> ...


I'm glad that you didn't beathim upp with your 8. That would probarbly not have done much good for your your future. So you are still with your WS? That takes a strong person to be able to do that.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

In The Dark said:


> OM was a close friend. He was a real piece of work. I started suspecting something was up but had no proof and confronted my wife. She lied and I bought it. The next day, a group of friends had scheduled a golf outing and who do I get to ride with...OM. I felt terrible at the time because I thought I was falsely accusing them of inappropriate behavior. I actually apologized to him during the outing. I later discovered he and my wife were texting back and forth during the golf round and they had an hour long conversation afterword.
> 
> It's been a year and a half and I still get worked up about it sometimes. I sometimes feel he never got what he deserved as he TT his wife and she rug swept the whole thing. He'll get his one day but beating the crap out of him would just be a temporary solution...although a fun one.


Ouch... That is rought. I feel for you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I'm glad that you didn't beathim upp with your 8. That would probarbly not have done much good for your your future. So you are still with your WS? That takes a strong person to be able to do that.


Yes, I'm still with her. It's been a tough year, but we have fought through pretty well. She has done a lot of work and shows remorse and shame for what she did. We've both been in IC and MC since literally the week after Dday. I didn't even join a forum until April - her either. I was on another one til she suggested I join here to relate my side so it would help everyone here see both sides of the story.

It ain't easy and I've been told by both counselors that I am strong. However, with my bruised ego and self-esteem, it's sometimes hard to see my strength. I know it's there, though.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Ouch... That is rought. I feel for you.


Yep. It is a slow road to recovery and I don't know if I'll ever be fully recovered(does anyone ever fully recover?). I've just learned to live with a new reality. Most days are good but I still have my bad days and triggers.

They were neighbors and good friends. We moved neighborhoods to avoid future contact, trouble or conflict. No way to avoid OM totally as his wife teaches at my kids school and their kids go there too but we've done a good job so far.

I'll see him next week as we'll both be at a father/daughter dance. Last year, the POS sat in a corner by himself out of shame. We'll see how this year goes but if I were him, I would avoid me. 

I understand your theory that we should point our anger at our spouses...and you are right for the most part. They are the ones that broke a vow. However, in most cases, the other person is not some mystery stranger. They are friends, neighbors or coworkers. They can lie and betray like our spouses did too. And to put it simply, it's easier to despise someone we don't love and have as long a history with.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

In The Dark said:


> Yep. It is a slow road to recovery and I don't know if I'll ever be fully recovered(does anyone ever fully recover?). I've just learned to live with a new reality. Most days are good but I still have my bad days and triggers.
> 
> They were neighbors and good friends. We moved neighborhoods to avoid future contact, trouble or conflict. No way to avoid OM totally as his wife teaches at my kids school and their kids go there too but we've done a good job so far.
> 
> ...


I do think, as somebody else in this thread pointed out, that your anger should also be pointed to the OM/OW if they are family or firends. I count Coworker of the BS as friends.

I have not personaly experienced infidellity in my M, but have had to pick up the pices of my brothers M, he was the BS. I don't know how I would react if I was the BS.

A side note, I lost my best friend a few years back. During that process I was given some sessions with a therapist. He said something that have been with me ever since :

Whenever we experience big negative things in our life we initialy drop low. But when we are able to accept, live or forgive the negative we tend to grow as a person and reach further than we could ever have without the negative.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Yes, I'm still with her. It's been a tough year, but we have fought through pretty well. She has done a lot of work and shows remorse and shame for what she did. We've both been in IC and MC since literally the week after Dday. I didn't even join a forum until April - her either. I was on another one til she suggested I join here to relate my side so it would help everyone here see both sides of the story.
> 
> It ain't easy and I've been told by both counselors that I am strong. However, with my bruised ego and self-esteem, it's sometimes hard to see my strength. I know it's there, though.


You shouldn't confuse your strength with your hurting (bruised ego and self-esteem).


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

For millions of years we have reacted to a threat to our interests by getting physically aggressive with the intruder/usurper. It is simple evolution.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Well one of the 10 commandments also states that you should not kill...


Wrong.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I have just finished reading everyone's responses. So, I am wondering my d-Day was 9/1/11 so it has been awhile. I have not had any real disclosure. It's been mostly rug sweeping as WH has poured all his energy into the business which is now expanding and wants me to be happy about. When I ask about that he throws his hands in the air and asks, "when do I have time for all that?”
Surprised me since I feel as if I am stuck in the first stage with all the anger resentments, the bitterness, my self-doubts, feeling of being worthless and not good enough, a complete failure in my marriage and life. I have been in this spot for so long that the seed has taken root. This will now going to be a permanent part of the new me. Today is 546 DOT (days of tears) how many more to I have to go through? When does it start to feel ok?
I have always wanted to go confront the OW and her husband but fear of losing my temper and doing something stupid has kept me away. Well I’m feeling ready, if WH won’t answer my questions maybe they will and maybe their answers are not going to match. It was not just her it was the husband too he likes to watch and he has problems keeping it up. That is what I was told. I want to know. Do you all think I should pursue my needs here? Am I looking to open a can of worms I shouldn’t? Don’t I deserve the truth especially since WS is saying, “we’ll be all right, we will get through this,” etc.? We are not wearing our rings he didn’t take his off which is what I feel another action of disrespect, I can’t look at mine. I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks extremely bad ones that have more or less kept me in the house and shopping takes more times as I have to work my self up to getting out of the car or leave a store quickly should am attack set in. I know we both have extra baggage but he doing nothing about his but work. Anyways this got longer than intended and wanted someone with experience to tell me yes or no. I also have a brother out of state, he is coming for a visit this summer, I’m sort of scared what he is going to do. Forgot to mention my WS beat me up sort of bad the night he told me and was high on drugs. He went to jail and the only reason he got out was the DA wanted to give him the full 3 years even as I was requesting he go into a drug program and abuse program they have in my county. The DA tried to tell me he would get all the help he needed in prison. We all know he was lying to me and I got mad. WS said he would do anything to repair us so I choose to believe him and look at him now nothing except IC and MC. Thank you….


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> I have just finished reading everyone's responses. So, I am wondering my d-Day was 9/1/11 so it has been awhile. I have not had any real disclosure. It's been mostly rug sweeping as WH has poured all his energy into the business which is now expanding and wants me to be happy about. When I ask about that he throws his hands in the air and asks, "when do I have time for all that?”
> Surprised me since I feel as if I am stuck in the first stage with all the anger resentments, the bitterness, my self-doubts, feeling of being worthless and not good enough, a complete failure in my marriage and life. I have been in this spot for so long that the seed has taken root. This will now going to be a permanent part of the new me. Today is 546 DOT (days of tears) how many more to I have to go through? When does it start to feel ok?
> I have always wanted to go confront the OW and her husband but fear of losing my temper and doing something stupid has kept me away. Well I’m feeling ready, if WH won’t answer my questions maybe they will and maybe their answers are not going to match. It was not just her it was the husband too he likes to watch and he has problems keeping it up. That is what I was told. I want to know. Do you all think I should pursue my needs here? Am I looking to open a can of worms I shouldn’t? Don’t I deserve the truth especially since WS is saying, “we’ll be all right, we will get through this,” etc.? We are not wearing our rings he didn’t take his off which is what I feel another action of disrespect, I can’t look at mine. I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks extremely bad ones that have more or less kept me in the house and shopping takes more times as I have to work my self up to getting out of the car or leave a store quickly should am attack set in. I know we both have extra baggage but he doing nothing about his but work. Anyways this got longer than intended and wanted someone with experience to tell me yes or no. I also have a brother out of state, he is coming for a visit this summer, I’m sort of scared what he is going to do. Forgot to mention my WS beat me up sort of bad the night he told me and was high on drugs. He went to jail and the only reason he got out was the DA wanted to give him the full 3 years even as I was requesting he go into a drug program and abuse program they have in my county. The DA tried to tell me he would get all the help he needed in prison. We all know he was lying to me and I got mad. WS said he would do anything to repair us so I choose to believe him and look at him now nothing except IC and MC. Thank you….


I would call the OW H and talk to him if you think that knowing stuff wiull make you feel better or be able to cope better.

I also think that you should D your H. He acts realy bad and has a bad history with you (beating you etc). Why are you still in your M?


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

WhiteMousse said:


> Wrong.


King James Version

Nr 6: Thou shalt not kill

English Standard Version

Nr 6: You shall not murder

Where am I wrong?


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> For millions of years we have reacted to a threat to our interests by getting physically aggressive with the intruder/usurper. It is simple evolution.


Then everybody should feel that way but not everybody does.

I think it is more of a cultural thing myself. 

If you look at our history there have been times when infifellity have been fairly accepted and the norm of things. 

Even today we have examples of this. Look at the noble calss in GB for instance. They have an unwritten code of conduct where the wife stays faithfull untill the first child is born. Once that has happened....


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

They are both D0uchebags in there own ways. 

I guess I was raised with morals. 

With so many single women and men do you really have to go after another married persons spouse ? I fvcking really ? 

So fvck the OM/OW who is a piece of sh1t..

But fvck my wh0ring wife even more. 

May they both get cancer and die.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

At first she was speechless when she heard "Nice video of you fingering your P****." The second call I asked her if her husband knew and if she was willing to pass on information sent to her from my husband. She said her husband knew and answered any question regarding the affair with "What did he tell you?"

I blew her world up when I called her husband after finding his cell phone.....one month after she claimed he knew. I also threatened her with the videos and pics she sent.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Of cause you have every right to be mad. It's using physical force to beat OM/OW up that I don't understand.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm glad that you didn't beathim upp with your 8. That would probarbly not have done much good for your your future. So you are still with your WS? That takes a strong person to be able to do that.


As far as anything regarding physical violence. I kicked and hit my husband when I found out they had kissed and made out. If I had run into her in the first 6 months, I probably would have kicked the crap out of her. Am I proud of it....no, but she sure as the hell deserved it. Not only for what she did to me, but to mine and her kids and her husband as well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I find it a bit qurious that so many, men mostly, keep posting about hurting the OM or how much they despice him.
> 
> I agree that it's not very nice to bang somebody married but the OM/OW is not the one being unfaitfull to you. That is your WS. And for me that should be the one you would want to hurt. Does it have something to do with restoring your ego, showing you are the bigger alpha male? Don't get me wrong I would most likley be quite p*ssed at the OM but I would never try to physically hurt him. I would only lower my self by doing that in my own view of myself.
> 
> ...


No the other person is accountable too. I get that you disagree but basically that just covers you when your spouse cheats. You or anyone else go ahead and give them a free pass. I got this.

I think this rhetoric is the agenda of cheaters especially those people who prey on married folks and want to encourage folks predators are free to do their damage. They are no more innocent than a drug dealer who sells your kids drugs.

So indeed I hold the AP accountable and would do so. YMMV. It is not ego, it is justice and vengeance. 

I would never hurt my wife no matter what she did. I would divorce her but I would not promise to not hurt the OM. That's how I roll buddy. The guy who did that f^ckd with the wrong guys wife. This is not bravado because my marriage is the most important thing to me. So after I divorced my wife I would dedicate my life to destroying that man in every way I could. mihi vindictam


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> No the other person is accountable too. I get that you disagree but basically that just covers you when your spouse cheats. You or anyone else go ahead and give them a free pass. I got this.
> 
> I think this rhetoric is the agenda of cheaters especially those people who prey on married folks and want to encourage folks predators are free to do their damage. They are no more innocent than a drug dealer who sells your kids drugs.
> 
> ...


Yes it takes 2 to tango. However the AP is not married to you hence he does not betray you or break your vows. I don't understand how you compute that to giving a free pass? And what do you mean by "covering you when your spouse cheats"?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Such a typical responce of people in affairs. The AP did not make vows to you.....get over it, have a free pass. 

I call bull crap. Do unto to others as you would have done unto you. 

People need to have respect for the vows made in front of the church and public.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

AP is an interference and must be dealt with.

When my WW told me she was in love with another man, I said "I'm not going to let you destroy this family" and I had her arrange for me to meet OM. He came, I was civil and told him to get on with his wife, not mine, or start a clean slate somewhere else. I even gave him pics of our kids so he would feel like a rotten mofo. 

This didn't help.

I should've been much more stern, maybe even physical. At the time I feared getting in trouble or having my wife chase after him to nurse him if things got physical.

The affair continued and she left me.

Fast forward seven months later to Valentines Day. I'd had enough with him and her (some things had happened) and I felt I needed some justice which had been delayed so long. I went over to our old place (where he was now living with our kids - hence my anger) and let him have it. It felt GREAT. A lot of anger as released on a very appropriate object - the OM. I felt some shame the next week but it quickly dissipated.

Unless they are ignorant that the WS is married, the AP is to be despised. Don't fool yourselves. Yes, your WS is to blame but the AP has been coaxing and coaching the WS quite well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Yes it takes 2 to tango. However the AP is not married to you hence he does not betray you or break your vows. I don't understand how you compute that to giving a free pass? And what do you mean by "covering you when your spouse cheats"?


I don't care. Yes they did betray me. Ultimately I get to decide. No one else. There is no rationalizing this. All just an agenda. Trust me on this. You do not have to get it is my point. It means that sooner or later that people who prey on married people like this will run into someone like me eventually. So if you are unable to deal with those who would destroy your life for their entertainment you can be comforted that sooner or later it all comes around. But you understood my meaning.

So you tango with my wife ... you messed up really bad. Don't mess with other peoples spouses is the take away here. Listing polymorous behavior as excepting of infidelity is a bit naive. It is relatively new for people to think lightly of infidelity. Not everything in this world is a unidirectional progression. Most things are a pendulum wave that varies about an area.

Some people call it sophisticated but it is just plain weak.

There is a real advantage to my position on this.

1) Since I am all in it behooves me to take care of my marriage and my wifes needs.

2) It behooves me to have solid boundaries and not let little issues become big ones.

3) It emboldens me to run off predators sooner than later as I am doing all of us a bug favor. They do not realize the danger they are in. So if they push ahead they understand what they are getting into.

Also to be clear it is a shades of gray world. But the predator is asking to be dealt with harshly. Not everyone is this kind of predator.

The Persoanl Trainer who is banging someone wife is one guy however. Whether the wife intended to cheat or he PUAd her. Shame on her but he is also accountable. Big time.

The serial cheating guy hitting on the soccer mom at the kid's game. He uses his children as a cover to go after married women. Shame on her but he is also accountable.

The wife's male friend who comes by to comfort her while her husband is away. Shame on her but he is also accountable.

So no the OM took no vows with me. But my wife did. So I would break the marriage with her. But I took no vows with the other man to cherish and love him. So he is at my mercy. It is Darwinian of course.

Be aware I was the one who had the EA. Not my wife. Had my EA progressed her husband had every right to deal with me anyway he wanted. And my wife to deal with her anyway she wanted. Life has a balance to it don't you think?


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

in my case, more than one was a friend, and one was even the daughter of a friend of ours, who was staying with us. 

while they did not make vows, or promise of commitment to me, it was implied through friendship. Why would i be friends with someone, KNOWING they would betray my trust in them? 

so yes, i do also hold them equally responsible. and have equal feelings, of hurt, anger, disappointment, and betrayal.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

APs, except for double betrayals, don't betray us, the never promised a thing BUT the attacked us.
The MOM in my case attacked me, my family, my children and if you wish even my wife. He's accountable for this.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

For everything under the sun there is a time. There is a time to put another man on notice that you will bust his ass if he pursues your wife. 

That is not typically my style but I have employed it to great success when I had to. I would most assuredly do it again.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If a man screws my wife how is that not connected to me somehow? 
He knows she is married and should not be surprised if some hell falls down upon him because of his actions. 
That's why most are whimpering , whiny sh*ts when confronted.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

well, looks as if the sh!~t hit the fan. We are looking at D. He wont do what he needs to do for me. He refuses. It's all my fault. He's somewhere and I'm I'm going to take today and tomorrow to drink my baby good-bye. Seems I might have a back bone anyway. Thank you for listening.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> If a man screws my wife how is that not connected to me somehow?
> He knows she is married and should not be surprised if some hell falls down upon him because of his actions.
> That's why most are whimpering , whiny sh*ts when confronted.



YUP. 
and entropy, that was a fantastic post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

My stbx' OM is overseas. They get together 3-4 times/year in the US (never anywhere close to my home, of course).

I knew about their last meeting, and considered going there (about a 10 hr drive). But I had pretty much accepted our M was done, so I thought: "What's the point?".

If they follow their normal routine, the next meetup should only be about a 4 hr drive. I'll likely know where they're staying and might just make this trip.

I think just seeing him pizz his pants in front of an audience will be worth the price of admission.

Of course, with our impending D, she may just invite him here. I don't think he has the ballz to accept that invite. But if he did, it would save me some gas and driving time.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

I don't blame the other women. Shes a ***** but my H has no personal integrity. And whats the male version of *****? 

I would like to meet her and see what it is that she has that I don't. But I don't have any ill will toward her. She can't help herself. If not my H someone else. It's just who she is.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> I don't blame the other women. Shes a ***** but my H has no personal integrity. And whats the male version of *****?
> 
> I would like to meet her and see what it is that she has that I don't. But I don't have any ill will toward her. She can't help herself. If not my H someone else. It's just who she is.


Some people just don't get it. They either weren't taught morals or they just don't care. Seeing I am divorcing my STBXH, I don't care about her. She doesn't have respect for her own marriage, let alone someone else marriage. If anything it makes me feel bad for her. I don't know her or have a desire to know her. I have began to accept that my marriage is over. Does it make it hurt any less? No it doesn't...but it doesn't make me want to take my anger out on her & compete for my douche of an ex. I think most, not all people that cheat, are morally bankrupt and deserve what they get. 

Since its been 3 months since DDAY and she hasn't left her husband yet, that my STBXH is know the "mistress" and extremely stupid for staying. I read an email she sent him saying "I can't wait until we can see each other everyday". What's keeping them from that? She wants the best of both worlds. So my point is, whatever happens to them, they both **** where they ate and slept, so whatever happens to them, is far much worse than anything I can inflict on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew the OM so that was awkward. 

His children were upset about the affair. I never confronted him or asked him about the affair. I didn't want any details.

Years later I had feelings of wishing I'd done him harm, but I am glad I didn't.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Kaya62003 said:


> Some people just don't get it. They either weren't taught morals or they just don't care. Seeing I am divorcing my STBXH, I don't care about her.* She doesn't have respect for her own marriage, let alone someone else marriage.* If anything it makes me feel bad for her. I don't know her or have a desire to know her. I have began to accept that my marriage is over. Does it make it hurt any less? No it doesn't...but it doesn't make me want to take my anger out on her & compete for my douche of an ex. I think most, not all people that cheat, are morally bankrupt and deserve what they get.
> 
> Since its been 3 months since DDAY and she hasn't left her husband yet, that my STBXH is know the "mistress" and extremely stupid for staying. I read an email she sent him saying "I can't wait until we can see each other everyday". What's keeping them from that? She wants the best of both worlds. So my point is, whatever happens to them, they both **** where they ate and slept, *so whatever happens to them, is far much worse than anything I can inflict on them.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The two highlighted sentences are insightful and wise. Very wise indeed.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

BrokenHearted_kitten said:


> in my case, more than one was a friend, and one was even the daughter of a friend of ours, who was staying with us.
> 
> while they did not make vows, or promise of commitment to me, it was implied through friendship. Why would i be friends with someone, KNOWING they would betray my trust in them?
> 
> so yes, i do also hold them equally responsible. and have equal feelings, of hurt, anger, disappointment, and betrayal.


Ouch... I'm with you as I have stated before. IF the OM/OW is a friend they have betrayed you, just as your WS has.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Acabado said:


> APs, except for double betrayals, don't betray us, the never promised a thing BUT the attacked us.
> The MOM in my case attacked me, my family, my children and if you wish even my wife. He's accountable for this.


I'm not saying that the APs didn attack you or isn't acountable. He/she is part of the affair. I just find it curious that some feeds so much of their anger to the OM/OW and some doesn't.

I guess part of it could have to do with not being able to let your anger out at your W/H. Specially for a man it is not possible to hit your W so some perhaps needs to direct those emotions elsewhere and the APs is then the best outlet? Then again I could be way off here...


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

joe kidd said:


> If a man screws my wife how is that not connected to me somehow?
> He knows she is married and should not be surprised if some hell falls down upon him because of his actions.
> That's why most are whimpering , whiny sh*ts when confronted.


He is obviously connected to you in some ways and not in some otherways. I also don't thing he should be suppriced if the BS shows upp. A lot of BS do that and a big % do get physical.

THem being whiny sh*ts I also understand. They know they have made a BS very angry and anger is a very powerfull thing.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> I don't care. Yes they did betray me. Ultimately I get to decide. No one else. There is no rationalizing this. All just an agenda. Trust me on this. You do not have to get it is my point. It means that sooner or later that people who prey on married people like this will run into someone like me eventually. So if you are unable to deal with those who would destroy your life for their entertainment you can be comforted that sooner or later it all comes around. But you understood my meaning.
> 
> So you tango with my wife ... you messed up really bad. Don't mess with other peoples spouses is the take away here. Listing polymorous behavior as excepting of infidelity is a bit naive. It is relatively new for people to think lightly of infidelity. Not everything in this world is a unidirectional progression. Most things are are a pendulum wave that varies about an area.
> 
> ...


How can somebody betray you if he/she has made no commitment to you? I get it if the OM/OW is a friend/family. If not I don't get the betrayl part. Messed with you yes.

I also think that APs that go for M people often run into angry BS. I don't feel sorry for them at all.

I'm well aware that perceptions and morals change back and forward over time.

I've never said that the OM/OW is not acountable. Ther are many ways to dish it out though and I'm curious about why some go for it with their fists and others not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TOMTEFAR said:


> How can somebody betray you if he/she has made no commitment to you? I get it if the OM/OW is a friend/family. If not I don't get the betrayl part. Messed with you yes.
> 
> I also think that APs that go for M people often run into angry BS. I don't feel sorry for them at all.
> 
> ...


They do have a commitment to you. It is like someone breaking into your home in the middle of the night. They have the same commitment and should be dealt with harshly. And in the total scheme of things breaking into someones home pales in comparison to being a predator of the marriage. When someone steals another man's wife he is raping the the man. 

Sorry you do not get it. It's ok though. There are lots of things in life people do not get. Yet they still exist.

Minimizing this is the agenda typically for the forums that are for cheaters. It favors the predator to have an agenda where the predaotr has no accountability. To act like they owe no one anything. Again I have no commitment to the the predator to not be harsh with them. But as I have already said it does not matter.

So we agree to disagree. Good luck with whatever you are looking for. But if it is to excuse people preying on others then you are on your own.

Now if you are trying to convince yourself that you do not need to be harsh with the OM then fine. That is your choice. This is what I have said. It is up to you.

Here you are trying to justify an affair :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/68645-question-about-revenge-affairs-free-pass.html

Are you intending to find a married woman for this? But your two threads consist of wanting to justify an affair and the other say the predator has no commitment. Nice.

Anyway you clearly have your own daemons to deal with and I have said what I have to say on this thread. So I will let this thread go.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

In my case, the OW kept my WHs confidence. It won't be a big surprise when the next DD comes. My initial contact with OW was by email and her reaction at the time, after she consulted with my ex H, was threatening a lawsuit for harassment. Up to this day, I believe he advised her to do so, so that they would be safe in intimidating me and continue to hide. She did many subtle wrong things in giving me a larger picture of what transpired between them. They believe its none of my business what transpired between them after our divorce. They are right. But I had no knowledge, only ignored suspicions, that she existed in our 1st marriage for the last 7 years of the 13 years. He denies ever pursuing her especially on a romantic or sexual level. 

I believe I am owed an explanation for those 7 years and the time during our perceived reconciliation post divorce. He claims she asked him if he was having sex with anyone since the divorce and he told her yes, with me. The topic of "no obligations" came up but he refuses to "recall" if it was as a question or a statement. If it was the former, it would reference me, the latter would reference them. regardless she threw out "telephonic sex" bait (yeah right!) thereafter, then it seemed he had to choose between me or her. He chose her but something went wrong and he came back to me and the children. He said he told her he's going back to us but then she received my email and the story appears to have continued then because they had to collaborate their lie. I had to do some serious deductive reasoning since 2 weeks after the collaboration effort, she sent him a text which he deleted before I saw it, which according to him said, "Merry Christmas to you and the fam". His demeanor towards me drastically changed that night, which after reading TAM, highly suggests that they went underground. 

I believe theirs is a love relationship and she holds the cards as to whether our second marriage will make it or not. I believe she was not ready to settle down with him yet or he felt the drive to financially establish himself to win her from her "sea" of established suitors. I believe I am owed an explanation for those 7 years which seem to have mushroomed to present, making it 13 years. I have confronted her several times when I realized their stories were verbatim. It took 2 years for me to expose because I had not found TAM yet. I searched for healing everywhere online. Counseling was botched because he apparently lied to the counselors. I had to piece everything together myself and based on some psychology I knew. Eventually I posted her on cheaterville. She had it removed by day 7 but not before over 6K people read it. She had to suck that down her gut. Even then i dont think it was enough to bring them out in the open because 3 weeks later he came home from work, went straight to youtube and started playing a song "want you back for good", seems silly but although he may be smart, he's not very intelligent, like her. The lyrics of that song says "whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it...". I had used what he told me about her to compose the cheaterville posting.

No where does it say a mere ''just friend" threatens a wife, ex or not, with a harassment lawsuit. They may have succeeded in intimidating me to not press for further info and to take theirs way underground. She woke up the sleeping giant with that threat so my post on cheaterville was my daring her to sue me. My surveillance efforts have yielded nothing much. But I strongly believe its a matter of time, maybe before the ending of this month, before it all comes to a fore. I don't know how I will handle it then. But I surely will have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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