# I thought for her, but I thought wrong...



## JayDeHay (Apr 4, 2014)

This is a bit winded, so please bare with me.

I'm happily married for 3 years, we have 2 girls ages 2-1/2 & 1. I have a 7 year daughter from a previous relationship.

Through a long and complicated series of events, I'm now in a situation where this coming weekend could be my last with my oldest daughter until she's old enough to seek me out on her own. Our youngest will be celebrating her birthday this weekend, and my wife and I believe that birthdays are special occasions to be relished by the celebrate-ee. 

Because of the circumstances with my oldest, my mother requested if she could bring a hold-over Christmas present to the party. I said yes before consulting my wife about it. After talking to my wife about it, she got very upset that I didn't talk to her about it first. When I asked her "Would you have said 'no'?", she said of course not. So I said "I didn't think you would, so I gave the ok." 

Now I know that major decisions need to be discussed first, but I didn't consider this to be a major decision. Frankly I'm appalled that she would want me to ask her first, because I couldn't imagine her saying anything but 'yes'. I'm just lost and confused and wondering if I did wrong, or if this is more grey than I realize. 

Thank you in advance for help.


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## JayDeHay (Apr 4, 2014)

Thanks coffee4me. It's not for sure yet if this will be our last weekend, we should hear from the judge tomorrow. Backstory: my ex threatened me into signing over my rights so her husband could adopt. It's past the 10 days I had to revoke consent, so I took her to court to stop it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What you describe isn't that bad. As a stand-alone, one-time, event. But, is it possible that this is something that you tend to do from time to time and maybe this was just a tipping point for her? 

Some people are bothered when their spouse just doesn't think to ask their opinion and assumes things for them. It's worse when there's a recurring pattern of that happening. Even if the spouse gets it right, even if it mostly happens with minor stuff, it can be an irritant. Not everyone is troubled by that particular behavior, but for those that are, it can feel invalidating. 

Best bet? Have a calm conversation with your wife about her feelings and why this has upset her. Make a plan together to help combat the issue. If it really was a one-time thing, assure her that you will try very hard not to do it again. Don't dismiss her feelings.


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## JayDeHay (Apr 4, 2014)

Thank you, Rowan. I don't think I do this often, but I haven't asked if she thinks I do. I'll bring that up tonight. 

Good news: I heard from my attorney, the judge is ruling in my favor and dismissing the adoption petition.


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## KayKayD (Apr 4, 2014)

As your wife. 
From my point of view. 
Yes it could if been the last weekend we would of had my Stepdaughter. Although my mother-in-law could've planned this a little better. She has seen my stepdaughter before this weekend. She could have given her presents to her before. It didn't have to be on our daughters first birthday party. Not only is our 2 1/2 year old going to feel left out. She sees both of her sisters opening presents and she doesn't get to. She's not going to understand. Also I'm only up set that you told me your mom asked you if she could bring the presents and you said yes. I would've liked you to talk it over with me first before giving her an answer. She didn't need the answer until Saturday. So you could of said mom I don't think Kayla would have a problem with that, but let me talk it over with her and I'll get back to you with an answer. That's the only reason I'm upset.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Well looks like you guys are both here, talk it over and always try to make any decisions as a team. Good luck!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

1st birthday parties are more for the parents than they are the children. The 1 year old won't really understand and will never remember her birthday, the 2 1/2 year old won't remember this birthday party either.

Whether your daughter/wife's stepdaughter was opening a gift or not, the 2 year old might feel jealous about her sister getting gifts. Then again, she might not. To prevent jealousy, I would make a special goody bag for the two year old and also encourage her to help her little sister unwrap her presents when it's time to open gifts. That would most likely distract her from the fact that she wasn't getting gifts. My youngest was only one at Christmas and his big brother helped him open up his gifts and they both had fun with it. 

No doubt the birthday is an important milestone, but I think the importance of access to your seven year old is also very important and I hope you fight to get your rights back. There is a way to include all the children without making one feel left out.

I also wouldn't have been upset about you accepting the Christmas gift for the oldest, I just don't think it's a big deal and any drama with the two year old is preventable. Also, I understand birthdays are a special day but then again, the world doesn't stop because it's your birthday and but you can still feel special and be celebrated while being gracious and accommodating to other people.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You signed away your fatherhood? Why? 

The whole Christmas present conflict is nothing compared with this monumental failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JayDeHay (Apr 4, 2014)

LongWalk: please thoroughly read postings prior to expelling judgemental thoughts. "Backstory: my ex threatened me into signing over my rights so her husband could adopt." Key point is she threatened me.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You signed away your fatherhood? Why?
> 
> The whole Christmas present conflict is nothing compared with this monumental failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It would have to be monumental threat.......what sort of threat gets a person to sign over rights and what good does it do to keep a child....who knows her father already away from the dad. What sort of crazy thing would someone have to be threatened with?

Agreed, the present at the party is the least concerned. My god it may be the last time you see her? I would hope that one would have an understanding spouse that goes the stress that would cause........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First year birthday parties are for the adults. The kids won't even remember them, much less understand what a birthday is.


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## KayKayD (Apr 4, 2014)

Alright my husband has talked about this situation. LongWalk you wouldn't understand the decision my husband had to make years ago. The court has decided with us. There is no more adoption. My husband has his parenting rights. We found out Friday the case was dismissed. So it wasn't the last time we were going to see my stepdaughter. We had also share the news with my mother-in-law. She decided to still bring the presents. I know one-year-old will not remember their first birthdays but others do. Since my mother-in-law decided to tell my stepdaughter she brought her Christmas presents all my stepdaughter wanted to do was open her presents even though her sister was starting to open hers. So when my one year-old started opening her presents my stepdaughter also open her presents. My husbands family focus on my stepdaughter. In my opinion my mother-in-law had no right to do that at that time. And I believe you guys missed what we were actually arguing about. I had no problem with my mother in law bringing my stepdaughter's Christmas presents, if it was the last time we were going to see her. It turned out not to be our last weekend. now I was upset because my husband decided to tell my mother-in-law yes she could bring the presents, without talking it over with me first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KayKay, no offense, but there will be many many instances where you OR he will have to make a decision on the fly and you will (hopefully) trust each other to have each other's best interests at heart. That's what marriage is about - trusting each other to not intentionally harm one another. It doesn't seem to me that he tried to harm you in the least. It does seem to me that you feel threatened by his side of the family (perhaps rightfully so, but, still...) and you will look to make such a situation more harmful than it is. His family is what it is; they have more history with older daughter and in time, they'll have history with your babies, too. Treat this with the grace and dignity I'm sure you have, and they will warm up to you and this will become a long-forgotten issue.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

My response may or may not apply to the OP. It was in response to the quote which often does apply but here's another perspective. I'm addressing this cause for years I always felt I was the bad guy when I would read something like this. 



turnera said:


> KayKay, no offense, but there will be many many instances where you OR he will have to make a decision on the fly and you will (hopefully) trust each other to have each other's best interests at heart. That's what marriage is about - trusting each other to not intentionally harm one another. It doesn't seem to me that he tried to harm you in the least. It does seem to me that you feel threatened by his side of the family (perhaps rightfully so, but, still...) and you will look to make such a situation more harmful than it is. His family is what it is; they have more history with older daughter and in time, they'll have history with your babies, too. Treat this with the grace and dignity I'm sure you have, and they will warm up to you and this will become a long-forgotten issue.


You would think they'd warm up to you but that's not always the case, in fact it can even go opposite. With my in-laws my husband and I have a strict agreement that we say I'll check with the other person. If you are dealing with certain people who would really like to run your life you may have to be very consistent. There have been times I know the answer, times he would be fine me just saying yes for him if it were anyone else but not with them. It's not that we don't trust each others intentions, it is that we don't trust my MIL and her intentions. 

In general I agree being gracious will win more people over but in the case of controlers you have to have firm boundaries. Wish we would have realized that years ago.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

True, but we got no sense of any rancor between her and her MIL; in fact, she would have said yes. I don't get the sense that she doesn't trust her MIL. So it was an innocent thing that she is taking out of proportion.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

That's why I said this may not apply to the OP. I hit submit too early (sorry) so you may have not read my final version, I'm terrible at doing that.:banghead: I think I'm trying to get it written down before one of the kids distract me and I lose my train of thought.

Sometimes I think it can be important that the son show his mother that he will be making decisions with his wife now, not with just her like he did for years. My mother is one of those moms that always encouraged their sons to check with their wife when they were newlyweds even if it seemed unnecessary, she is a dear lady and I plan to follow her example.


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## KayKayD (Apr 4, 2014)

My husband and I trust each other to make the right decision if the decision needs to be made at that time. Now turnera my MIL didn't need an answer until Saturday morning. The2ofus I know what you mean. Also there is tension between my MIL and I. I'm sure there will always be tension do to our history. We are two different people. She also believes it's okay to have a favorite. Now I disagree with that. I do not believe there should be a favorite, every child is different in there own way. Now my husband and I have talked and we agreed were sure her favorite is my stepdaughter. So I'm not sure what her intentions were. Also I do want to thank all of you for your advice. It's helping us figure things out


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Reading this as an outsider it all sounds unnecessarily dramatic and a train wreck in the making. A dad that almost relinquished his parental rights and an over bearing step mum. The poor kids , they need adults that are on their side and can live without drama. All this over a present, so very unnecessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KayKayD (Apr 4, 2014)

Holland you must of not read the parts of the post where it said it wasn't about the presents. It was all about talking to each other about decisions. I think I'm done posting now. My husband and I have moved past this issue. Thank you.


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