# Husband is unsure that he can handle being married anymore.



## krinkleton91 (Apr 5, 2018)

Hello everyone. 
I am a relatively new member in need of some outside input on my current situation with my husband. To give you all a little background information, my husband and I have been together 5 years and we've been married for almost two of those years. The beginning of our relationship started strong in that we communicated especially well, our sex life was off the chain, and we generally loved being around one another and doing things together. He was kind to me, which I was not used to in past relationships at that point, and much appreciated. He also said how much I mean to him and how his life would be in shambles if anything were to happen to us. About two years ago, when he was 22 and I was 24, he asked if I wanted to marry him. Now, in the past, I would be very wary of marriage and accepting his proposal. I was not too keen to get married ever! However, the years I had spent with him at that point had a profound impact on my opinion of marriage, and I felt so sure that spending my life with him was the right move, so I said yes. 
After we had gotten officially married though, things started to change. Subtly at first, things like he would spend more and more time out with coworkers and be drinking more and more heavily each night. I myself became more reclusive and less enthusiastic to want to have sex with him. I also was not taking care of my body as well as I use to in the past. Eventually, it came to a head near the end of our first year together when he tearfully confessed that he had cheated on me with a prostitute one night when heavily intoxicated. 

It took time for me, but I eventually decided to stay with him. Not only that, his infidelity was a wake-up call for me and the detrimental habits that I had picked up that first year. I quit smoking, I lost about 30 pounds, and I made efforts to improve my mental state altogether. He was taking strides to actively improving himself as well, and making an effort to be an active part of the marriage. The only thing that had taken time to recover was our sex life, but overall our relationship had felt for a time like we were back on track. 

Unfortunately, this bliss has not lasted. Starting this February I started to notice old habits creeping back into his routine. He was going out late with co-workers more and more frequently, to the point that I barely saw him in a week. We were also fighting a lot more than we had been. I tried pointing this out to him, and he actively listened to me when I brought it up, but his behavior did not change. I was also starting to become paranoid that there may be another woman he was seeing. I spent a lot of the nights he would come home late awake and wondering what trouble he had gotten into that night. Finally, our fights became about us and how he thought we might have made the wrong decision in getting married so young. This argument kept coming up more and more until one night he is in tears and having a panic attack, telling me he thinks he shouldn't be married anymore. He stated he feels immense guilt over his infidelity and confided in me that he had also made-out with two other women as well as slept with the prostitute that was mentioned earlier in our first year of marriage. He also said that he feels as if he is holding me back, even though I have stated to him that is just not the case. 
He says he loves me deeply and cares about me, but he also doesn't know if he can handle staying married any longer. 
We have not reached a conclusion on where we want to go next. I have let him know that I want to remain married and will do whatever it takes to make it work, but that I would also respect his wishes if he truly felt incapable of staying. We decided that it would be best that he spend some time away to fully contemplate on what he would like to do. 

Any outside opinions on my situation would be greatly appreciated. I am trying to stay as calm as possible until he reaches out to me about his thoughts, but I'm finding it hard to stay neutral and not jump to conclusions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!


----------



## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Suggest you work on yourself and stop letting a POS disrespect you so much

Lookup the 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

There are a few reasons for what's going on in your relationship.

One is that every often, a person's image of how they should behave when dating and how they shoudl behave when married are very different. It sounds like your husband is one of those people. When a person is like this, they seem to change almost immediately after they marry. I've been thorugh this myself. It's almost like they have a personality change after they marry.

How is the relationship between your husband's mother and father. Did he start treating you like his father treats his mother once you married?

Another reason is that he was too young to get married. Most divorces happen when the man is under age 30 and the woman is under age 25. Why? Because the human brain does not finish developing until age 26. By the time your husband is 30, he will propably me someone completely different. At his current age he going through a lot of changes mentally. It's normal.

In the old world, people married young but society put enourmous presure on them to stay together and work it out. Today, society could care less about marriage. Actualy social pressure is more likely to presure him to leave he marriage at any time.

At this point all you can do is be the best person/wife you can be but accept that he is telling you the truth. His actions match his words. He's not lying. He's not playing games. He's not happy in the marriage. Just don't you take responsilbity of it. This is on him. He's the one who cheated. He's the one who goes out drinking with friends and lets peer presure lead him to do wrong things.... do you need any more proof that he's not a mature man?

I know it's hard, but you need to accept what he's saying and tell him to file for divorce and leave. If there is any chance to save this, it will be the shock of this.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they say to do. These books will teach you want you should expect out of a marriage. And if he ever comes around and starts acting like a grown man, ask him to read the books with you and that you two do the work together.

Other than that, start focusing on yourself. What do you do for yourself? Do you have friends and family around you who can give you emotional support?


----------



## krinkleton91 (Apr 5, 2018)

Thank you so much for your kind words and input into my situation. There were a lot of things that you said that I had not even considered before now. Your insight has helped me, so thank you .


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

OP - sorry to hear about this. Hate to say it but I think a big part of this is your husbands age and overall immaturity and there's not much you can do about that unfortunately. In this day and age someone in their early/mid 20's is really in an extended adolescent period until they make a conscious decision to grow up (or are forced to via having kids or other). EleGirl has this spot on and to some extent this IS normal. It's tough to be a dutiful husband/wife when all your peers (co-workers, school mates, or other) are all young, unattached and living life. By the time you are 30 many of those same peers are at least married, many have started having kids, career responsibilities take priority etc. and you either naturally grow up or are dragged into it to some extent. 

Advice for you - I wouldn't tolerate his behavior. Even if it's somewhat understandable (not to be confused with forgivable) he's clearly not marriage material at this time. Giving him space is just giving him leash to continue to not grow up. Rug sweeping his cheating is only giving permission to carry on. Putting pressure on him to grow up may ultimately backfire and lead to resentment. He's already cheated on you and told you point blank that he doesn't want to be constrained by the commitments of marriage. You are young yourself - recommit to yourself, your health and finding your joy.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Thankfully you dont have children with him... now you just need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person like this. Imagine you DID have children.. now ask yourself; Is this the type of husband dynamic I would want my child to think is normal. I can only assume you will come to the conclusion that it is not.

Unfortunately you cannot change other people, only yourself. In this case, it might mean stepping away.

Are you getting out and having fun, or sitting at home waiting for him? I would recommend you get out and start to meet people, get into a social group or something... Make yourself a hot commodity that is just as unavailable as him

Then file for divorce if you choose .OR. If he brings it up again tell him to be a man and fix his problems or file for divorce himself. It sounds like he wants approval from you to leave or something.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

@krinkleton91 Any kids?

Aside from that, one thing you will see if you read a lot of the posts in the different forums here that relate to marriage trouble, infidelity, etc. That a lot of the issues occur when things get stale after years of the same ole same ole. The problem that happen, let's say, after 10 years of marriage could be due to the internal issues of the person that is causing the conflict or could have been brought on by something.

What I'm trying to get at, is that you guys didn't really even have this period. He has been a terrible spouse, in terms of commitment and putting himself before you ... from the dang get go! It hurts like Hell I'm sure but it will be like a blessing later in life that he showed you who he really is so soon. A lot of people go 20-30 years into marriage before they see these issues arise. He isn't even hiding them from you.

I'm a staunch opponent of divorce but after my situation of the last year and my divorce that will be finalized in a few months after me trying 110% to save the marriage for 7 months, I realize that you just can't change people and they are who they are. Having said that, you can still give it one last shot, so you know in your heart you gave it your all and my standard advice would be;

- If you want to stay married, go to step 2, if not go directly to step 4
- Give him a list of deal breakers and be honest about it and stick to them
- If he goes across the boundary and breaks even one of your items for staying married, go to step 4
- See an attorney and get the ball rolling ASAP

I think people like us tend to see the best in people or what we hope they could be if only they did (x, y or z). With months of counseling, help here, reading a ton and help from family and friends. You just start to see that sadly, people are who they are and a lot of times, that person that's really them is hidden but in the cases like this, where he's blatantly showing you who he is .... You can continue get raked over the coals and put through emotional trauma or you can let him be himself away from you and you heal and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve.


----------



## krinkleton91 (Apr 5, 2018)

@stillfightingforus, we do not have any kids luckily, so there is a little less stress on that front. 

I want to thank you all for your well-wishes and sage advice and wisdom. My husband has reached out to me about wanting to meet up later and discuss things. I will hold everything that has been mentioned here thus far in my heart and I'll be sure to give you an update. 
Thank you all! You've helped me substantially.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

No kids yet that is good
Do not let him disrespect you anymore
Sounds like he needs to grow up
If he wants to divorce tell him ok
you sound like you can and will do
a lot better.


----------

