# Advice please! Married only 2 years and husband says he doesnt feel the same



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi everyone
I am new to this forum, in fact I am new to forums altogether. I read them occasionally but have never actually posted anything. 
Here is my situation, and I would really appreciate your help.....
I am very confused at the moment...my husband and I got married in March 2008 (so nearly 2 years ago), we have been together for a total of 5 years. He is 28 and I am 27. 
Over the last few months I have noticed him not being very happy and I have tried to talk to him about it but he hasnt been as responsive as he usually is when we talk about things like that. He recently got a new job, cause he was miserable in his old job, and he loves the new one. He has some good friends, but they are all computer nerds, without girlfriends or wives and at very different stages in their lives than he is. 
He is also a bit of a computer nerd, but still gets out to play sport, gym, go out for dinners, drinks etc. 
Whilst I have noticed he has been a bit unhappy, I never noticed that it was anything to with me, until the weekend just past. He had been out all night with a friend and came home at 6am! He was supposed to come to my parents house instead of ours, as we were housesitting for them. At 6am when he wasnt home I called him and he didnt answer, so I drove home to find him there. I had had a bad feeling all week and night and so I confronted him (which was stupid cause he was very drunk) and he said that he has been unhappy for a really long time now (about 12 months) and has been thinking that it is just him, but is starting to think it is to do with me. He didnt want to tell me because he still loves me very much and didnt want to hurt me while he was trying to figure it out, but now he thinks it is me, and that he doesnt feel the same way as he used to. 
Anyway, we went to see a relationship counsellor last night, which was good, because we both were able to get some things off our chest. I believe that he has lost the feeling for me, due to a number of other factors...some of the things he said last night were that he feels clastrophobic, he doesnt feel like he can be spontanious, he isnt doing the things that he used to do that made him happy etc etc and I tried to say that it is a combination of all of these things that is making him feel not close to me anymore and that it is not a symptom, and that if we can work through some of the other problems that closeness and intimacy will come back (I hope!). 
He wants space at the moment and less pressure, which I am trying very hard to do but it isnt easy cause I just want it to be fixed as quickly as possible. 
Last thing I want to say...we have been talking for the last 6-9 months about getting pregnant, and he has been just as keen as me to start trying for a baby....what I dont understand is why would he want to do this if he isnt happy? I am not in a hurry and he knows that, but even as late as 2 weeks ago, we were about to have sex and I said that we should use protection cause im right at the point in my cycle where I could get pregnant, and he said, if it happens in a moment like this then its meant to be! Now if he knew that he wasnt happy with me, why would he do/say that!? 

I know there is allot there (and there is so much more) but id love a bit of honest advice/feedback.....

Thank you!!


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Your husband's behaviour does not make sense. This could be because he is honestly confused. This could be because there is something significant that he is keeping from you (or that you have not revealed in your post).

Unexplained absence and requests for space are strong indicators of a person who is involved with someone else. 

Do not be careless about a child. He is not ready, and the relationship is not ready.

Find out if he is seeing someone else. There are cases of men who emerge from a very bad relationship and go on to have an affair early in a good marriage out of fear. This situation is sometimes salvageable, but it is rare. In most cases, an affair this early in a marriage is a sign of a problem that cannot be resolved.

Your husband is keeping something from you. It may be an affair. It may be an addiction. It may be a crippling wound from a previous relationship. You cannot determine your next step without knowing what he is keeping from you.

There are cases of immature men who deceive and deeply wound their young wives (unknowingly) for a trivial and easily fixed reason like playing too much video games.

Find out what he is keeping from you. It might be a minor disappointment that you can help him with. It might be something serious that you cannot work through. 

Good luck.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks Alex. When all of this came out last Friday when he told me he wasnt happy etc, I asked straight to his face, are you cheating on me or have you cheated on me...and he looked me in the eye and said no I am not and I never have. He said he would never do that to me, and that if thats where it was going he would end things with me first. The one thing we have always had in our relationship is trust. I believe him that he hasnt cheated but at the same time im not going to walk around with my eyes closed either.

I am definitely not even going to consider bringing a child into this world with our marriage like this. Its just that I was so ready for it, and there are so many people around me that are either pregnant or have new borns and as bad as it sounds - I am jealous! 

I am starting to realise that he is very confused...at first I thought it was all or nothing, that he either had really strong feelings for me and just didnt realise it cause he was unhappy about other stuff, or that he just didnt like me at all and wanted our marriage over. I am now realising that the fact that he came to marriage counselling with me and wants to continue going means that he does want to at least try to make this marriage work. 

He says I need to listen to him more, that he doesnt communicate with me because I dont ever really listen to him. 

I am starting to distance myself from him a little cause the more I think about things the less I want to be around him at the moment...do you think I should go and stay with my parents or some friends for a little while?
Does it really work to make him miss me a little? Or will I just make things worse? 

I feel so confused, alone and scared right now


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

sienna said:


> ... I believe him that he hasnt cheated but at the same time im not going to walk around with my eyes closed eithert...do you think I should go and stay with my parents or some friends for a little while?
> Does it really work to make him miss me a little? Or will I just make things worse?


I am glad you are keeping your eyes open. Asking with no evidence is usually a very ineffective way of determining infidelity.

As to moving out, this is a tried and true reality lesson. A reality lesson is effective when it is used to dispel a fantasy world. For example, people who have an affair usually contrast their "real life" spouse (defects and all) with an untarnished "fantasy" lover (100% romance and thrill with no real life problems to get in the way).

The majority of men who are kicked out by their wives very quickly find that they prefer their wife to their lover (once they are forced to see all sides of their lover). Fancy dinners, hotel rooms, and romance give way to unpleasant living conditions, compromise, boundaries, and the inevitable selfish nature of women who would seek out a married man. This process occurs very fast, sometimes just a few months.

If your husband has a problem that he is trying to work through and you leave him, you could make things worse.

If your husband is living in a fantasy and avoiding even looking at problems, you could make things better.

If you two don't belong together, this could be a good way to find out.

Good luck.


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