# 16 yrs he now says no to monogamy



## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Hello this is my first post here.

Advice needed

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend of 16 yrs we have had some ups and downs over the last 7 months. I found him texting a old gf from 20yrs ago. 5 days of discussions, tears and lots of talking. He said I was neglecting him sexually and wasted 10 yrs of his prime sexual peak. He just turned 40 last april. We decided to give it a try to work it out. We have a son 12. It has been great so many things I never knew about sex and feeling really great with it.. Better communication and getting along great. Come to find out he has been addicted to porn for 10yrs. To the point he could not stop. Forward its been a 2 month he has stopped feels better and has a clearer head. He realized it was taking over everything. Just 3 days ago I found a message from a girl he knew when he was 14 sexual in nature I told her he is taken and to back off.. I asked him then it all comes out. He has said he cannot help it he has many women he speaks with online, texting ect. That he wants his cake and eat it too and I should just deal with it. That its my fault if I leave an break up the family thats its just sex.. He has NOT cheated physically.. But he said he would if the the right person came along and he is looking.. There is 12 yr age difference. I am devastated. I feel that these last months of trying to work stuff out was just a lie. I cannot have an open relationship or swing. I am not that type of person..


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Gee SouthWest, this is just simply horrible. 
Basically you didn't know who you were living with all these years. It doesn't matter a whit whether he met any of the OW he was texting or not. He was betraying you and it's the lying and betrayal that is the wound. It's the reason why EAs hurt as much as PAs. 

What I find repulsive about WS is how they like to blame BS. He has a sexual addiction and tells you at the end of 10 years that he wasted 10 years of his sexual prime? Really? All this is your fault?

From what you have said I think he is leaving you no choice but to leave him. I don't think he's worth R to be honest. The fact that he said to you that it doesn't matter, it's just sex is appalling. So you're supposed to feel the same and welcome him home after one of his "outings" or whatever he plans on doing?

If you want to be a doormat, stay.

Tell him he needs to move to a country where polygamy is allowed. As far as I know, countries who allow this are pretty savage on their women - they're not even allowed to vote. As for an open relationship - he clearly knows you are not OK with it but he just shrugs his shoulders and says you can put up with it? That is sheer arrogance and is of course inhuman for him to say this to the mother of his child. 

See a lawyer. Are you a common-law-wife? Find out your rights ASAP.

In short? Run for the hills and let him find some other woman to agree to such an arrangement. To even suggest it is an insult to you. 

So sorry you have been put through this.

ETA I just read your post again. he told you he's already looking for someone else??? 
That's your queue to exit. . . before you have to when he finds someone else. He is a chauvinist brute.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

SouthwestGal said:


> Hello this is my first post here.
> 
> Advice needed
> 
> I have been in a relationship with *my boyfriend of 16 yrs *we have had some ups and downs over the last 7 months. I found him texting a old gf from 20yrs ago. 5 days of discussions, tears and lots of talking. He said I was neglecting him sexually and wasted 10 yrs of his prime sexual peak. *He just turned 40* last april. We decided to give it a try to work it out. We have a son 12. It has been great so many things I never knew about sex and feeling really great with it.. Better communication and getting along great. Come to find out he has been addicted to porn for 10yrs. To the point he could not stop. Forward its been a 2 month he has stopped feels better and has a clearer head. He realized it was taking over everything. Just 3 days ago I found a message from a girl he knew when he was 14 sexual in nature I told her he is taken and to back off.. I asked him then it all comes out. He has said he cannot help it he has many women he speaks with online, texting ect. That he wants his cake and eat it too and I should just deal with it. That its my fault if I leave an break up the family thats its just sex.. He has NOT cheated physically.. But he said he would if the the right person came along and he is looking.. *There is 12 yr age difference*. I am devastated. I feel that these last months of trying to work stuff out was just a lie. I cannot have an open relationship or swing. I am not that type of person..


Sorry. Help me out here. I'm confused. You two have been together for 16 years? Your boyfriend is 40 and there is a 12-year age gap between the two of you? Please tell me that you are 12 years _older_ than he.......

At any rate, your guy is a cheater. He likes it, he wants to keep on doing it, he has no plans to stop, and he wants you to just accept it and shut up. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who treats you this way?


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks for the replies. Yes I am 52 he is 40 we have been together a very long time. He wants to experience other women before he dies. Yea 40 year old mid life crisis. It just sucks big time. Basically he is choosing sex with other women over family. He says he just cant seem to stop. So he is telling me now BEFORE he does something physically.. I agree I am a monogamous women I am loyal. He says is this day and age NO man can be true to himself and say he is faithful weather it be online or in person. Its just sex.


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Oh we are NOT married. Just been together for 16yrs. We have a son together and I am not in a common law state.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

SouthwestGal said:


> Hello this is my first post here.
> 
> Advice needed
> 
> I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend of 16 yrs we have had some ups and downs over the last 7 months. I found him texting a old gf from 20yrs ago. 5 days of discussions, tears and lots of talking. He said I was neglecting him sexually and wasted 10 yrs of his prime sexual peak. He just turned 40 last april. We decided to give it a try to work it out. We have a son 12. It has been great so many things I never knew about sex and feeling really great with it.. Better communication and getting along great. Come to find out he has been addicted to porn for 10yrs. To the point he could not stop. Forward its been a 2 month he has stopped feels better and has a clearer head. He realized it was taking over everything. Just 3 days ago I found a message from a girl he knew when he was 14 sexual in nature I told her he is taken and to back off.. I asked him then it all comes out. He has said he cannot help it he has many women he speaks with online, texting ect. That he wants his cake and eat it too and I should just deal with it. That its my fault if I leave an break up the family thats its just sex.. He has NOT cheated physically.. But he said he would if the the right person came along and he is looking.. There is 12 yr age difference. I am devastated. I feel that these last months of trying to work stuff out was just a lie. I cannot have an open relationship or swing. I am not that type of person..


It;s the porn addiction that is taking him over. You should leave and that will jolt him back to reality.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should talk to a lawyer about your "divorce" options. As in, if you split up, what your situation would be. And you should recognize that most likely, if you even separate temporarily, he will likely be having sex with someone very shortly. 

Please don't allow him to make you feel guilty for chosing monogamy. It's HIS choice to sacrifice your relationship for playing around. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hmm I am 52 and have been married almost 32 years. No women have been pursuing me or texting me. Now either Im as ugly as homeade soap or its because I dont put myself out there so to speak. Im hoping its becausd of the second one. He can stop it. He just refuses to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Twelve years is big age difference. Do you think he wants to have sex with younger women? What drew you together in the beginning?

Does he enjoy sex with you? And you?

Does he turn you down?

Does he love you?

Why couldn't he talk about his sexual dissatisfaction earlier? Why does he blame you now?


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

I would imagine he does. But he has always liked older women. We met thru a friend. I was casual then we moved out of state together. Yes he does and so do I .. He never turns me down ever. Yes he loves me that why it is hard for him he told me before he did anything physical. IDK why he said he turned 40 and wants to experience things before he dies. I think he has a mortality issue and menopause..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

SouthwestGal said:


> He wants to experience other women before he dies.


Then tell him no problem. He should do that if it's more important to him than your relationship.

Then implement the 180, finalize your exit plan, and leave him as soon as you can. Even if he does a complete turn around in the mean time, and that's not likely, stay away from him for at least a week or two before you make any decisions. He needs to understand what it's like to lose you.

Then post back. We'll help you with that decision.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't believe marriage is the only reason to expect fidelity. An LTR with a child deserves the same respect. You have committed your lives to each other. Moreover, you have a child.

If he does "cheat" on you, you will face a dilemma. Do you leave him? You have less chance of finding someone new. So there is something unfair about this.

If you accede to his demand, then you risk losing him, should he fall in love with another woman. You could allow him to wander but restrict it to swinging or some other controlled form where he would not build emotional relations.

You could play hard and simply, make it clear that you will end your relationship if he cheats.


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Well this is why he is telling me before. He has not done anything physically but says he has the urge to and would act on it if the occasion arose.

I am preparing to leave in June. I cannot live that lifestyle. Unfortunately June is the only time I am able to make this transition to another state. 

Just not willing to be with a cheater. Plus all the online chat stuff he said he has MANY women he speaks to. Its really hurting alot . 
He is my best friend I just dont get it at all.. Why do men need seem to think this is ok. We have a son, and all those years wasted.. 

Gonna be really hard really heartbreaking that he wants to do this..


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Well after another in depth conversation today he seems to have something called the Madonna–***** complex wow just reading about this.. INSANITY.. He says he loves me and loves sex with but cannot do the things he desires because of this...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He has a complex. It is called the "Not Terribly Bright" complex.

He believes he has the "right" to sleep around, but you have the right to support him, emotionally. 

Now, that's not Terribly Bright, of him, is it?

He is willing to risk your health and your emotional well-being and that of his son, just so he can get some free sex?  :wtf:

You deserve better than this needy, greedy man-child.

Would individual counselling help him, I wonder?:scratchhead:


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Both men and women do this game, cheating is an equal opportunity nightmare unfortunately. He is trying to “nice” his way into cheating and getting permission almost. The mid life crisis angle, he isn’t getting any younger all that are must excuses now more driven by the fact you have learned things about him. 

He can stop, ultimately he is choosing it and you aren’t driving him to it. You need to tell him point blank where you stand and what you want to do to try and salvage any relationship or the relationship must end. Be firm with your decision and do not back down from it as painful as it is. 

Don’t buy into the Madonna complex or any other excuse he has right now. He wants and that’s it. He wants! He will do or say anything to get it or convince you its ok.


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

I already mentioned that NO WAY IN HELL. 

Yea risk I said that too. He said well I should have lied
I wanted to be straight forward and not go behind your
back. 

Really lie? I would have known anyway. I said and you would
feel just fine coming home and hoping in bed with me after?

IDK I am just sick to death..God darn.. I worked for 27 yrs
lost my job I have been a stay at home mom for the last
7 now this? Its killing me.. How could I have been so blind..I feel so stupid.


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Oh I am not going for it.. It makes me sick. We have no alternative but to leave. He can do what he wants. His business will fail I do all the books and ordering all the customer service everything.. I have a good support system where we will go.. So that is a blessing.. Just picking up the pieces and learning to be single again now that is gonna be so hard.. I dont know how anymore.. I feel for our son he is going to have such a hard time... At least he will have his extended family from my side at his beck and call.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> You should talk to a lawyer about your "divorce" options. As in, if you split up, what your situation would be. And you should recognize that most likely, if you even separate temporarily, he will likely be having sex with someone very shortly.
> 
> Please don't allow him to make you feel guilty for chosing monogamy. It's HIS choice to sacrifice your relationship for playing around.
> 
> ...


"Divorce Options"......what divorce options? No contract of marriage was signed and they do not live in a common law marriage state. (Please don't get me started on the "common law marraige" scam......)

The man the orginal poster has shacked up with, and has had a child with, out of wedlock has every legal right to have sex with any women of legal age who consents to have sex with him - he is not under any legal obligation to restrict his sexual encounters with the orginal poster.

"Divorce Options"......please :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

Yes we are not married. Just been monogamous for 16 yrs.. He hit 40 and BLAMO.. Death so better do what I can..


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

SouthwestGal said:


> Yes we are not married. Just been monogamous for 16 yrs.. He hit 40 and BLAMO.. Death so better do what I can..


I'm so sorry for your pain. A 16 year relationship, married or not, is a serious commitment and I am sure this is tremendously painful and difficult for you. 

Maybe this all started because he is in the midst of a mid-life crisis, but it doesn't matter. The fact remains that he is selfish, cruel, and immature.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Bravo SWGal.you made the right decision.maybe he can get one of his new girlfriends to do the books(if they can read or write).it is good you have a supportive family to help you and your son.it sounds like he will do fine with your family around.I wish you the best of luck and you are not stupid.you loved someone for sixteen years and you thought he loved you,but you found out he did'nt grow up yet.best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Darn, this is hard. But you will make it, especially since you have a support system.

One day in the future he's going to wakeup and wonder why he was this stupid. I've seen it before. People destroy everything they built because they get some stupid notion and feel invincible or like they will lose out if they do not follow the stupid notion.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

SouthwestGal said:


> Yes he loves me that's why it is hard for him and he told me before he did anything physical.


 He is seriously trying to persuade you that he "loves" you because he is giving you notice that he's going to start sleeping around? 

Put a big photo of him on Cheatersville and say he has been online and texting women to line them up just to have sex with them. Say that the jackass is having a mid-life crisis, told you he wants to sleep with a lots women before he dies and expected you and his 12 year old son to live under his roof while he did that. Do it and put a link on here. Seriously. 

All of this demeans both sex and love. Right now, he seems to think all women are objects and there for his sexual gratification. Instead, he needs to get a season ticket to a brothel which would be far more honourable. 

What a cad. 

R is impossible. He's not interested in R. The only alternative he gave you was for you and his 12 year old child to stay under the same roof and live in this degrading space. 

I am SO glad that you have decided to go.

Grrrr! I'm so mad for you SouthWest.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counterfit said:


> "Divorce Options"......what divorce options? No contract of marriage was signed and they do not live in a common law marriage state. (Please don't get me started on the "common law marraige" scam......)
> 
> The man the orginal poster has shacked up with, and has had a child with, out of wedlock has every legal right to have sex with any women of legal age who consents to have sex with him - he is not under any legal obligation to restrict his sexual encounters with the orginal poster.
> 
> "Divorce Options"......please :rofl::rofl::rofl:


Yes, actually, he is. The fact that you can't understand this is... oh, never mind.

And your laughter is inappropriate. You might like to dial back on the bad attitude. It will not fly well on this forum.


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