# I am tired of fighting a losing battle with him



## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

There is so much more to this story but I won't put you all through that. To cut the very long story short.. I am going to be married this year..and I have so many doubts and fears. He has cheated and lied numerous times in the past and yes I chose to forgive him and move on from it, I am at fault here...but listening to his pleas of "I promise I will change" together with how much I love him, it was hard to leave. 

We have been together for 8 years , after years of telling me he was going to propose and nothing ever happening he finally did last year.

See our relationship is quite a different one as he is in the military - he deploys twice a year for usually 4 months at a time. He was also promoted to a higher rank and he had to work at a base 2 and a half hours away from home. I chose to stay as I had just gotten my job at the time, therefore, I only see him on the weekends. 

When he deploys he becomes a different person- we can communicate via WhatsApp, there are no problems with WiFi or signal ...but every Saturday he will dissappear and say he "fell asleep" or turn every argument to me that I'm the problem. We hardly speak...and I understand and respect that this is his work..but I'm here on my own in HIS country - all my family and closest friends are back home. Wouldn't someone who really cared for someone make sure she was safe and ok?

I'm sorry I don't think post even makes sense and it's the rambling of a very sad and tired woman. 

I think if I loved myself more, I wouldn't accept his behaviour...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The only thing that you need to do is read your last line over and over. 
Then do something about it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sparkles88 said:


> There is so much more to this story but I won't put you all through that. To cut the very long story short.. I am going to be married this year..and I have so many doubts and fears. He has cheated and lied numerous times in the past and yes I chose to forgive him and move on from it, I am at fault here...but listening to his pleas of "I promise I will change" together with how much I love him, it was hard to leave.
> 
> We have been together for 8 years , after years of telling me he was going to propose and nothing ever happening he finally did last year.
> 
> ...


@Sparkles88 I’m sorry you are in such turmoil but welcome to TAM.

There’s not really much to figure out here, you’ve answered your own question.

You shouldn’t accept his behavior in the first place, but why in the world would you marry someone like this? Do not get married!

Its clear you’re not happy, so find your strength and dump the dude.
Find someone who will really make you happy.

When you start thinking about those 8 years, google “sunk cost fallacy”.










The Sunk Cost Fallacy - The Decision Lab


The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.




thedecisionlab.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You would be very foolish to marry a man who is a serial cheat and liar. Listen to your doubts are fears. 
If I were you I would go back home and find a decent faithful moral guy. Cancel the wedding please. He would be a terrible husband just like he is being a terrible boyfriend.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

At some point you are no longer a victim, you are a volunteer. Do not marry this man. It is a simple as that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You cannot fix him. He will not change. Do. Not. Marry. Him.

You say you love him, but do you really? Or, do you love who you WISH he were? Are you confusing love with habit?

If you marry him, you're going to continue wasting the most valuable years of your life. 

PLEASE do not marry him. In fact, get away from him as soon as possible. I'm sorry.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Sparkles88 I’m sorry you are in such turmoil but welcome to TAM.
> 
> There’s not really much to figure out here, you’ve answered your own question.
> 
> ...


Thank you.. 

I know all of your replies are right... and I have tried so hard to speak to him, I wrote him a letter literally telling him everything as he doesn't like confrontation as every time i initiate a talk he manages about 5 mins or he just doesn't want to hear it and starts swearing that I'm never happy. His answer was ..i will answer your letter i promise. Its been one month and nothing. Truth hurts ...he doesn't respect me... or is it just me being too needy and delusional? I don't know anymore

Yes sunk cost fallacy is spot on...


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You cannot fix him. He will not change. Do. Not. Marry. Him.
> 
> You say you love him, but do you really? Or, do you love who you WISH he were? Are you confusing love with habit?
> 
> ...


It took me around 6 years to understand that I could not change him, that no matter what I did or what I sacrificed he would not changed. He's changed a few things about himself and he is a better person for it..but those are the things he wanted to change about himself to better his life..not ours. 

How can I get away ...im in a different country, wedding is 6 months away .. im so scared of everything.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sparkles88 said:


> It took me around 6 years to understand that I could not change him, that no matter what I did or what I sacrificed he would not changed. He's changed a few things about himself and he is a better person for it..but those are the things he wanted to change about himself to better his life..not ours.
> 
> How can I get away ...im in a different country, wedding is 6 months away .. im so scared of everything.


He is probably still cheating. He doesn't love or respect you at least not in the way you deserve. The 8 years... I imagine he proposed because he didn't want to lose his thing at home.

Listen I know it is easier said than done but you need to leave. You need to be in a healthy loving relationship. Do you want children? Do you want a Dad whose never home? Do you want to be divorced in 5 years. 

You shouldn't have to beg for someone to marry you. My general rule of thumb if they haven't proposed in 2 years then move on. It's a sign on not really loving someone enough unless you are like 18 years old. I left my fiancé after 2 years and never regret it. He didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. I thought I'd be on my own for a while and within about 6 months I was engaged to the man of my dreams. I don't know what will happen if you leave. But it is really easy to predict a lifetime of misery if you stay.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparkles88 said:


> Thank you..
> 
> I know all of your replies are right... and I have tried so hard to speak to him, I wrote him a letter literally telling him everything as he doesn't like confrontation as every time i initiate a talk he manages about 5 mins or he just doesn't want to hear it and starts swearing that I'm never happy. His answer was ..i will answer your letter i promise. Its been one month and nothing. Truth hurts ...he doesn't respect me... or is it just me being too needy and delusional? I don't know anymore
> 
> Yes sunk cost fallacy is spot on...


Writing him a letter isnt going to make him into a faithful person.
Its not being needy to expect a man you are set to marry to be faithful. 
If you marry him nothing will change and later you may have children as well when things will get worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparkles88 said:


> It took me around 6 years to understand that I could not change him, that no matter what I did or what I sacrificed he would not changed. He's changed a few things about himself and he is a better person for it..but those are the things he wanted to change about himself to better his life..not ours.
> 
> How can I get away ...im in a different country, wedding is 6 months away .. im so scared of everything.


You start making preparations to go back home. Tell your family all of it and that your cant marry a cheat and liar. You dont have to tell him of your plans, just go, and then once you are home tell him the wedding is off. If he is away so much you have plenty of opportunity to pack up all your things.
Believe me, you will probably find a decent faithful guy and will wonder why you even thought of marrying this one.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You start making preparations to go back home. Tell your family all of it and that your cant marry a cheat and liar. You dont have to tell him of your plans, just go, and then once you are home tell him the wedding is off. If he is away so much you have plenty of opportunity to pack up all your things.
> Believe me, you will probably find a decent faithful guy and will wonder why you even thought of marrying this one.


I agree with @Diana7, with the caveat that if you choose to leave this person, it would be a gift to yourself to step away from romantic relationships to work through why you tolerate this behavior. 💗


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Sparkles88 said:


> There is so much more to this story but I won't put you all through that. To cut the very long story short.. I am going to be married this year..and I have so many doubts and fears. He has cheated and lied numerous times in the past and yes I chose to forgive him and move on from it, I am at fault here...but listening to his pleas of "I promise I will change" together with how much I love him, it was hard to leave.
> 
> We have been together for 8 years , after years of telling me he was going to propose and nothing ever happening he finally did last year.
> 
> ...


I'm two months out of an almost 18 year relationship, married for 16 of them. We should never have gotten married. Don't make the same mistake I did and wake up almost half your life later with nothing to show for it and wondering what happened. As everyone here would tell you, listen to your gut.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> He is probably still cheating. He doesn't love or respect you at least not in the way you deserve. The 8 years... I imagine he proposed because he didn't want to lose his thing at home.
> 
> Listen I know it is easier said than done but you need to leave. You need to be in a healthy loving relationship. Do you want children? Do you want a Dad whose never home? Do you want to be divorced in 5 years.
> 
> You shouldn't have to beg for someone to marry you. My general rule of thumb if they haven't proposed in 2 years then move on. It's a sign on not really loving someone enough unless you are like 18 years old. I left my fiancé after 2 years and never regret it. He didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. I thought I'd be on my own for a while and within about 6 months I was engaged to the man of my dreams. I don't know what will happen if you leave. But it is really easy to predict a lifetime of misery if you stay.


I am sure he is cheating, but I have no proof of this not now anyway, last proof I had was last year when I found some things at his place. Where he swore they were old and some ******** excuse that i didn't believe but because of my love for him I yet again chose to forgive and forget. 

He said he waited this long to make sure it was the right thing for the both of us. He was married before me and has a son whom I have helped to support. 

I am happy that you have found someone who loves you x


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You start making preparations to go back home. Tell your family all of it and that your cant marry a cheat and liar. You dont have to tell him of your plans, just go, and then once you are home tell him the wedding is off. If he is away so much you have plenty of opportunity to pack up all your things.
> Believe me, you will probably find a decent faithful guy and will wonder why you even thought of marrying this one.


I am so scared to do that .. I just have this overwhelming fear..I am alone here I have no help.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

NicoleT said:


> I'm two months out of an almost 18 year relationship, married for 16 of them. We should never have gotten married. Don't make the same mistake I did and wake up almost half your life later with nothing to show for it and wondering what happened. As everyone here would tell you, listen to your gut.



What made you leave and how did you make that decision ... you must be so happy that you found that strength to leave !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparkles88 said:


> I am so scared to do that .. I just have this overwhelming fear..I am alone here I have no help.


Have you got a family member who can help? Maybe they or a good friend could fly out there and help you pack up?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So you say he's in the military. 

How do you think his commanding officer would deal with his lying? 

How would the commanding officer deal with him when he was told to do something and didn't do it? Never repenting (choosing to change his ways)?

Telling his commanding officer "I promise I will change" and then NOT doing so. Basically looking his commanding officer in the eyes and lying to him.

Would he still be in the military? Me thinks he'd be kicked out. Maybe it might behoove you to kick him somewhere else as well.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Have you got a family member who can help? Maybe they or a good friend could fly out there and help you pack up?


Yes I know someone would come and help I just feel so ashamed to ask them to do this for me. Eugh I know you are all right ...its just so hard to do something ...its been 8 years!!


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

sideways said:


> So you say he's in the military.
> 
> How do you think his commanding officer would deal with his lying?
> 
> ...


He would for sure get kicked out...but he's very respected in his job. I think its the only thing he loves, his job where it takes him out of reality and responsibilities of others who care for him


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sparkles88 said:


> Yes I know someone would come and help I just feel so ashamed to ask them to do this for me. Eugh I know you are all right ...its just so hard to do something ...its been 8 years!!


I’ve been married 28. I can’t imagine that if I were married to some one who cared so little for me. Yes 8 years down the toilet. Don’t make it 20 more.

if your cousin asked to borrow a dollar with promise he needed it for food but you watched him buy a lottery ticket. Then he asked for one more and promised he needed food and he’d learned his lesson but walked right back up and bought a lottery ticket. He did this 6 more times.
Then he comes to you and asked to borrow all the money you had in the world saying he was going to be different? Would you give him your life savings? OF Course NOT.

why is it so much more reasonable to give away something so much more precious than money? Your time you can never get back or make more. Stop wasting it. He won’t magically get better after marriage. Also you don’t have to have some solid proof, period. You think he cheated in the past you think he’s cheating now. It’s your life go live it.

Further let’s say he’s not a serial cheater. Is this really the life you want? Many spouses get worse after marriage, many get worse after kids. Do you want to be a single parent 8 months a year?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sparkles88 said:


> He would for sure get kicked out...but he's very respected in his job. I think its the only thing he loves, his job where it takes him out of reality and responsibilities of others who care for him


So there's your answer. He tows the line in the military because he "loves" it. Maybe if he truly loved you he'd tow the line with you. 

"He cheated and lied NUMEROUS times".

Does this sound like he has any respect for you at all?

So this isn't about him as he's shown you time and time again who he is. This is about you and why you think so little of yourself and are clueless to your value that you're willing to put up with all of his BS. 

This isn't a him problem but a you problem. 

I hope you can see this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sideways said:


> So there's your answer. He tows the line in the military because he "loves" it. Maybe if he truly loved you he'd tow the line with you.
> 
> "He cheated and lied NUMEROUS times".
> 
> ...


Please listen to this. This is not a you problem. It has nothing to do with how pretty you are how much you love him how much care for or writing him letters calling him this isn’t you. This is a him problem. Which means You have no control changing him. The only control you have is to get him out of your life to find someone who is a better match for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve wasted 8 years on him — I suggest that you don’t make it a lifetime. I was unhappily married to a serial cheater for 45 years. Looking back, I think his cheating began when we were first married, and very young, and he was in the military. You need to move on, no matter what it takes to get that done, because it will never be easier to get out than it is right now. I can promise you the odds are very high that you’ll deeply regret it if you don’t.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sparkles88 said:


> I am so scared to do that .. I just have this overwhelming fear..I am alone here I have no help.


Someone posted the other day that you get the strength to leave when the pain of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.

Let's hope the quote below doesn't happen.



Anastasia6 said:


> Yes 8 years down the toilet. Don’t make it 20 more.


Imagine how miserable you'll be if you wait that long to leave.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

*I am tired of fighting a losing battle with him*


Are you tired enough to make changes?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sparkles88 said:


> Thank you..
> 
> I know all of your replies are right... and I have tried so hard to speak to him, I wrote him a letter literally telling him everything as he doesn't like confrontation as every time i initiate a talk he manages about 5 mins or he just doesn't want to hear it and starts swearing that I'm never happy. His answer was ..i will answer your letter i promise. Its been one month and nothing. Truth hurts ...he doesn't respect me... or is it just me being too needy and delusional? I don't know anymore
> 
> Yes sunk cost fallacy is spot on...


Him not answering your letter? That IS him answering your letter. I think you see this.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Him not answering your letter? That IS him answering your letter. I think you see this.


You are right that is his answer...and I even told him this. I poured my heart out to you but you chose to Bury your head in the sand and just get on with life as per normal.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You’ve wasted 8 years on him — I suggest that you don’t make it a lifetime. I was unhappily married to a serial cheater for 45 years. Looking back, I think his cheating began when we were first married, and very young, and he was in the military. You need to move on, no matter what it takes to get that done, because it will never be easier to get out than it is right now. I can promise you the odds are very high that you’ll deeply regret it if you don’t.


Why do people want to willingly hurt others.. I've remained faithful and loyal and followed him to his country to support him and his son. I sacrificed so much ...how can he do this.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sparkles88 said:


> Why do people want to willingly hurt others.. I've remained faithful and loyal and followed him to his country to support him and his son. I sacrificed so much ...how can he do this.


Some people are just that selfish. They don't even consider how their choices hurt other people, or they don't care as long as they get what they want. 

Set yourself free.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

sideways said:


> So there's your answer. He tows the line in the military because he "loves" it. Maybe if he truly loved you he'd tow the line with you.
> 
> "He cheated and lied NUMEROUS times".
> 
> ...





Sfort said:


> You cannot fix him. He will not change. Do. Not. Marry. Him.
> 
> You say you love him, but do you really? Or, do you love who you WISH he were? Are you confusing love with habit?
> 
> ...





sideways said:


> So there's your answer. He tows the line in the military because he "loves" it. Maybe if he truly loved you he'd tow the line with you.
> 
> "He cheated and lied NUMEROUS times".
> 
> ...


I don't think he has respect for anyone but himself... and slowly slowly I feel like my respect for him is going too.. how can I? I don't think I'm clueless as I know whats going on.. well I think I do anyway but I do think little of myself despite what others say.. 

He will then be sad and show me through messages and say that he is sorry for being him .. and I don't know what else to say to him


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sparkles88 said:


> I don't think he has respect for anyone but himself... and slowly slowly I feel like my respect for him is going too.. how can I? I don't think I'm clueless as I know whats going on.. well I think I do anyway but I do think little of myself despite what others say..
> 
> He will then be sad and show me through messages and say that he is sorry for being him .. and I don't know what else to say to him


You say. I'm sorry too. You and I just aren't compatible. I realize you are you and will always be you. I must now go be me.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

He has made choices that best suit him and make him happy. Now, it's your turn to make choices in your best interest that make you happy.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sparkles88 said:


> I think if I loved myself more, I wouldn't accept his behaviour...


This is kinda like knowingly setting a course to drive into a brick wall, when almost any change in direction would avoid it, yet you still drive toward and hit the wall.

You need to just end it and work on yourself. If someone asks you why, say he wasn't committed to the relationship... 

If you think it is painful now, it will be 10x if you go through with this, with no end in sight.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He may not be the marrying kind. Eight years is a long time to wait for a proposal, so that would have been the red flag to me. You both sound like you just want different things out of life. That happens, sometimes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know the answer. You’re just too insecure to follow through. Figure out how to respect and prioritize yourself and get out of this relationship instead of making the mistake of marrying. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Sparkles88 said:


> Yes I know someone would come and help I just feel so ashamed to ask them to do this for me.


It's possible you'll find they've been praying that you'll develop the guts to make the call for the help they've been dying to give to you.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

We get what we tolerate in life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sparkles88 said:


> Why do people want to willingly hurt others.. I've remained faithful and loyal and followed him to his country to support him and his son. I sacrificed so much ...how can he do this.


Because he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him.

Because users find givers and take advantage of them.

Because …


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> It's possible you'll find they've been praying that you'll develop the guts to make the call for the help they've been dying to give to you.


I think they all have...


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know the answer. You’re just too insecure to follow through. Figure out how to respect and prioritize yourself and get out of this relationship instead of making the mistake of marrying.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You are right.. I am too insecure. I can say how i feel but the actual notion of walking out makes me feel sick and anxious.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sparkles88 said:


> You are right.. I am too insecure. I can say how i feel but the actual notion of walking out makes me feel sick and anxious.


Why? What could possibly be worse than what you are dealing with?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sparkles88 said:


> I can say how i feel but the actual notion of walking out makes me feel sick and anxious.


You only get one life, and continuing down this path will ensure its painful.

You are avoiding a few weeks of pain now but committing to years of pain later. Just get it over with and move on. It will be easier than you think.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sparkles88 said:


> I can say how i feel but the actual notion of walking out makes me feel sick and anxious.


If you think you're sick an anxious now, just wait until you marry this asshole and he continues to treat you abusively. You ain't seen nothin' yet. So go ahead and marry this loser, then come back and let us know how that works for you.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Thank you everyone... I have just seen a therapist. Here is hoping I can find more strength in myself to do what is right.


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## Sparkles88 (9 mo ago)

Just a little update - I have seen my therapist 3 times. I am feeling a lot stronger than I did before I started. The sessions are tough but I'm going through it and here is hoping I can finally do the right thing for me.


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