# I want to remain a united front with my husband



## lisa3girls

to the children, but sometimes he makes it SO damn hard. This morning, he went off on my daughter (16) because she came downstairs and used the bathroom on the main floor. Yes, she could have used the upstairs one near their rooms, and yes I'd even prefer that she would I guess. But he is like so picky about such stupid things.

I mean, seriously, dude, is THIS the hill to die on with your 16 year old. I can name numerous similar things he will 'cling' to with the kids that just seem petty to be getting into with them over. 

How can I make him stop acting so ridiculous about these things (which causes unneeded tension in the household) and yet not make him feel like I am dismissing him by saying something.


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## Mom6547

Honestly, since you have already placed a judgment on him that he is being "ridiculous" and you seek to "make him stop" the chances of you engendering any kind of cooperation is not very good.


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## lisa3girls

Mom6547 said:


> Honestly, since you have already placed a judgment on him that he is being "ridiculous" and you seek to "make him stop" the chances of you engendering any kind of cooperation is not very good.


Ok, so getting all hot over which toilet a kid uses is something to pick a fight about with them?? There are SO many battles with kids, I just can't see why someone would pick things like this. 

I keep my mouth shut about things EVERY day, but the house is a battlefield and most of the battle is about minutia...it needs to stop


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## Elginite

Sounds like you aren't so united. As a father of three teenagers, I must say I'm still not used to their disobedience. Do I know that at times I can go overboard on silly little things? Yes. But after I've made multiple requests nicely that aren't followed, those little things become much bigger. It's the child's fault for not following the request, not your husband's fault for making it. So lay off him.

Sure, he can lay off the small things, and he'd be wise to do it. Like you said, there are so many with teenagers that you'd just be fighting all day. You can help by only bringing that up well after the event has blown over. And you can really be united by reminding your daughter, in front of your husband, that he did already make the request and it's not that unreasonable.


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## magnoliagal

It's a classic sign of a man that doesn't feel appreciated. No it's not all your fault he's got issues that he hasn't been willing to face yet. Instead he's taking it out on everyone else. Kids make a very good target.


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## Mom6547

lisa3girls said:


> Ok, so getting all hot over which toilet a kid uses is something to pick a fight about with them?? There are SO many battles with kids, I just can't see why someone would pick things like this.


Me neither. But that is not the point. The point is that if you take an attitude that he is ridiculous and you are going to "make" him see the error in his ways, you won't get far regardless how right you may be.

Could you speak to him in a measure way using non confrontational language? Honey I am concerned when you pick too many battles that... whatever you are concerned about.... Can we pick some of the most important things you need to focus on?


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## lisa3girls

Mom6547 said:


> Me neither. But that is not the point. The point is that if you take an attitude that he is ridiculous and you are going to "make" him see the error in his ways, you won't get far regardless how right you may be.
> 
> Could you speak to him in a measure way using non confrontational language? Honey I am concerned when you pick too many battles that... whatever you are concerned about.... Can we pick some of the most important things you need to focus on?


Well sure, this is why I ask...I don't want to put him off, but I feel like the house shouldn't be a battle ground over things like which toilet to use. We have a masterbath and they don't use that so there is always one that is HIS to use as he pleases.


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## Mom6547

lisa3girls said:


> Well sure, this is why I ask...I don't want to put him off, but I feel like the house shouldn't be a battle ground over things like which toilet to use. We have a masterbath and they don't use that so there is always one that is HIS to use as he pleases.


Yah I see your point. It is so tempting to hit the issue head on (in my case, being Irish with a heavy dose of hand waving and emotional outburst) and accidentally engender resistance and defensiveness.

DH and I did not always see eye to eye on the specifics. My upbringing was very punitive, based on guilt and shame mostly. His was very permissive. Strangely enough, we both avoid our own upbringing most instinctively.

I cannot dredge from the depths what we did, what changed, to enable us to see more eye to eye. We both certainly agree with you that a united front is important.

Could you start a behind closed doors conversation something like I am concerned that you and I don't have the same discipline goals. I feel I would be less stressed, and possibly you and the kids would too, if we were on the same page. Can we discuss what you feel is important about discipline. Take it up to a higher level, including listening to what he thinks his goals are? Or maybe get him to think in terms of goals for the first time?

Kinda lame suggestion, but I cannot think of anything else.


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## Randy

Do you have explicit rules for the children, or are they expected to be mind readers? Is this something he's asked them about and they ignore, so it is a small issue in itself but blatant disrespect, or is it out of the blue, such that she didn't really know to expect it?

At a time when there isn't an immediate issue (that is, so it doesn't look like you are complaining about something he's said recently) suggest to him that you two together work out the most important rules for the children. What hills are worth having battles on, so to speak. Keep it to a reasonable number and enforce them consistently.


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## lisa3girls

Randy-- it is something he has on occassion asked them not to do (come downstairs and use the bathroom when they were JUST upstairs right near their own)-- I guess it feels like a silly thing to me to make a RULE about.


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## Mom6547

lisa3girls said:


> Randy-- it is something he has on occassion asked them not to do (come downstairs and use the bathroom when they were JUST upstairs right near their own)-- I guess it feels like a silly thing to me to make a RULE about.


Can you sit down and negotiate the rules? Throw him a couple of bones, and stick behind them on it? Then get him to agree to lighten up on some others?


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## lisa3girls

Mom6547 said:


> Can you sit down and negotiate the rules? Throw him a couple of bones, and stick behind them on it? Then get him to agree to lighten up on some others?


I can try that... sometimes he is just so crotchety about some things


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## jimrich

re: How can I make him stop acting so ridiculous about these things (which causes unneeded tension in the household) and yet not make him feel like I am dismissing him by saying something.
>> Why can't you set a good example for your own kids and STAND UP FOR what you believe is RIGHT? If he is wrong or being a bad role model for your kids, why not SAY SOMETHING? Are you that terrified of your own partner? His over bearing and you under bearing is setting very bad examples for your kids and someone has got to do what is RIGHT for the kids!

re: I keep my mouth shut about things EVERY day, but the house is a battlefield and most of the battle is about minutia...it needs to stop
>> So when are you, the other adult in the home, going to open your mouth and express your opinions???

re: I don't want to put him off
>> If he's WRONG and upsetting everyone - WHY NOT?

re: I guess it feels like a silly thing to me to make a RULE about.
>> "I guess"??? Don't all of you choose and agree on the family rules? You sound like you live in a different family than them!

re: sometimes he is just so crotchety about some things
>> Whew, you sound like one of his frightened children instead of the other POWERFUL ADULT in the family! It's a pretty unhealthy example of parenting and adulthood for your kids to see and grow up with. Kids need and deserve the best parental role models you can give them so learn how to parent and do what's right for your own kids. Others can steer you to where you can learn to parent better.


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## cherokee96red

Maybe the other bathroom was occupied at that moment and she just had to get to an available one? Seriously, as long as it is clean and presentable what is the problem. Sometimes ya just gotta go. Raised 2 kids, now grown, and there were more vital issues to stress about. :scratchhead:


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## HadIOnlyKnown

Have you asked him (without sarcasm) what the big deal is? Perhaps, growing up, they had a guest bathroom that was kept pristine for visitors and he feels your downstairs one should be treated as such. I'm not saying that's right or wrong.....just, throwing out an example. Some people (such as myself) are naturally more formal than others. Is she the ONLY one not allowed to use it or does he prefer it not get used at all?

You asked if this was the hill HE wanted to die on. Is it the hill YOU want to die on? Is it a huge, big, end of the world deal to not use that bathroom? Also, as someone else stated - sometimes it's less about what the kid is doing and more about the fact that you have asked and given reasons for them to do/not do something so many times and had it ignored that you really just sort of flip out for a second. Even silly things can get blown out of proportion when someone thumbs their nose at you at every turn. This sounds more like an issue with him wanting her to follow his rules than a genuine issue about where she chooses to potty....but I've been wrong once or twice before.


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## lisa3girls

HadIOnlyKnown said:


> Have you asked him (without sarcasm) what the big deal is? Perhaps, growing up, they had a guest bathroom that was kept pristine for visitors and he feels your downstairs one should be treated as such. I'm not saying that's right or wrong.....just, throwing out an example. Some people (such as myself) are naturally more formal than others. Is she the ONLY one not allowed to use it or does he prefer it not get used at all?
> 
> You asked if this was the hill HE wanted to die on. Is it the hill YOU want to die on? Is it a huge, big, end of the world deal to not use that bathroom? Also, as someone else stated - sometimes it's less about what the kid is doing and more about the fact that you have asked and given reasons for them to do/not do something so many times and had it ignored that you really just sort of flip out for a second. Even silly things can get blown out of proportion when someone thumbs their nose at you at every turn. This sounds more like an issue with him wanting her to follow his rules than a genuine issue about where she chooses to potty....but I've been wrong once or twice before.


No it isn't the hill I want to die on, but they accumulate... lots of little things like this.


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## madimoff

lisa3girls said:


> No it isn't the hill I want to die on, but they accumulate... lots of little things like this.


Well I'm with you on that sentiment. My OH says I get stuck in the minutae and I can see that (sometimes!) and am working on it, but then he doesn't like the friction that ensues when our 9yo son ignores me for the umpteenth time ... he also ignores dad, but less so than me cos I'm with him 99.9% whereas dad comes and goes to different house/different continent. Dad kind of demonstrates he doesn't like the friction so son knows he's got the upper hand when it comes to dealing with me because I can't enforce mega consequences when Dad's here *due to* him not being here all the time & he'd miss out on Dad/boy time if he were, for example, grounded for a weekend activity. (btw, we are together, though i know it's easy to not realise that from our circumstances!)
As to how you deal with it, I think the best would be as someone else said, say to the daughter - in front of all of you - that she knows Dad's asked her not to a number of times. Next time please remember to use upstairs. Don't make anything of it with your husband, maybe ask him another time what particularly upset him on that occasion. You might just get an answer which explains it.

To quote HadIonlyKnown who was quoting someone else, 
_"sometimes it's less about what the kid is doing and more about the fact that you have asked and given reasons for them to do/not do something so many times and had it ignored that you really just sort of flip out for a second. Even silly things can get blown out of proportion when someone thumbs their nose at you at every turn. This sounds more like an issue with him wanting her to follow his rules than a genuine issue about where she chooses to potty"_


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## Mom6547

madimoff said:


> Well I'm with you on that sentiment. My OH says I get stuck in the minutae and I can see that (sometimes!) and am working on it, but then he doesn't like the friction that ensues when our 9yo son ignores me for the umpteenth time ...


Ignoring is not minutia. Ignoring about x, y, z may look like the x, y and z are the minutia. But ignoring is NOT minutia, it is key.

Did you buy the books?


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## Mom6547

madimoff said:


> To quote HadIonlyKnown who was quoting someone else,
> _"sometimes it's less about what the kid is doing and more about the fact that you have asked and given reasons for them to do/not do something so many times and had it ignored that you really just sort of flip out for a second. _


_

Wait a minute... 

Your reasons are important to give. But they are not necessarily his reasons. Reasons do not motivate. The give the intelligent context. 

- barriers to cooperation motivate NOT to cooperate - without knowledge they are all to easy to throw up time and again.

- learning about soliciting cooperation will help motivate to cooperate

- understanding responsibilities and consequences (especially when done in a manner that does not add anger and the resultant self pity/justification that goes with it) motivates

Most people want a single thing that is going to get their kid to behave. It Does Not Exist. Most people need a rehaul from the ground up._


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## madimoff

Mom6547 said:


> Wait a minute...
> 
> Your reasons are important to give. But they are not necessarily his reasons. Reasons do not motivate. The give the intelligent context.
> 
> - barriers to cooperation motivate NOT to cooperate - without knowledge they are all to easy to throw up time and again.
> 
> - learning about soliciting cooperation will help motivate to cooperate
> 
> - understanding responsibilities and consequences (especially when done in a manner that does not add anger and the resultant self pity/justification that goes with it) motivates
> 
> Most people want a single thing that is going to get their kid to behave. It Does Not Exist. Most people need a rehaul from the ground up.


All valid, can see. wish i could do or even know how to start doing. I guess it's spending time figuring out how to say 'come on if you spend five minutes tidying up now we won't be late leaving for school because you end up having to put away the other things you've decided to play with before getting in the car for school as well as the ones you'd left out last night....' in a motivational way. I often don't understand why when I say it he just ignores, when OH says it (and at the time i can see there are subtle differences, at others there appears to be no difference at all) he does it pretty much straight away. 
Not taking away from that the point you make is a good one and one I have to deal with. 
ref book, not yet - figuring how to get anything delivered safely here is hard.


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## Mom6547

madimoff said:


> All valid, can see. wish i could do or even know how to start doing. I guess it's spending time figuring out how to say 'come on if you spend five minutes tidying up now we won't be late leaving for school because you end up having to put away the other things you've decided to play with before getting in the car for school as well as the ones you'd left out last night....' in a motivational way.


In my opinion, you are saying the wrong thing.

People who play, clean up. People who don't clean up, don't play. When he does not clean up, the toys/stuff go into the Saturday box to try again on Saturday.

He is not taking responsibility because YOU ARE. MAKE it his responsibility. Being late for school is YOUR problem, not his. 





> I often don't understand why when I say it he just ignores, when OH says it (and at the time i can see there are subtle differences, at others there appears to be no difference at all)
> he does it pretty much straight away.


It doesn't matter what he does (what does OH stand for?). Just figure out how to do YOU right and the rest will follow.

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Amazon.com: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and Expanded Second Edition) (0086874512122): Robert J. Mackenzie: Books



> Not taking away from that the point you make is a good one and one I have to deal with.
> ref book, not yet - figuring how to get anything delivered safely here is hard.


Where is here? What is unsafe about delivery? Do they have book stores? You could probably get it from the book store. If they don't have it, they can order it.


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## madimoff

Sorry, thanks for your continued input; been busy! It's deep in the wilds of a first world European country where the postal service is only known to be quasi 'reliable' to town dwellers; hence some folks will only have stuff delivered to a.n.other country for onward supply by someone they know. Just to reinforce the point, I've received any number of bills, speeding fines (!) etc., but the one time my elder son sent me a birthday present, guess what - no of course I didn't receive it!
Oh, and OH stands for Other Half!


Forgot to mention it's not an English speaking country........


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## Mom6547

madimoff said:


> Forgot to mention it's not an English speaking country........


I am such a dope. I saw that and was about to ask if you speak English. I need a nap!


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