# It's hard to hear about all the things I did wrong...



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Just had another in-depth conversation with my husband about all the reasons he's decided it's over. My not wanting to be involved with my family was probably one of the hardest to hear. It is true though and that's what hurts so bad. We are (were) a very close family with our two kids, but most of the time I just felt better when I was by myself holed up in our room watching tv alone. I never realized that bothered him so much. He took it and took it and took it until he couldn't take it anymore. I've ruined my family, I've lost my husband and I'm dying inside.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shhhh Breathe.

You did not lose your husband. You did not ruin your family. It feels like it...omg...it hurts so bad it takes your breath away. 

I'm in week 4 of my separation. Hubs moved out. Said he wasn't happy and couldn't stay. He got an apartment-- alone. Nothing in it but a blowup bed and a TV that he bought.

I didn't beg, plead, or ask questions after day 2. I just stopped. He asked for time and space and he got it. I don't call, text, email...I went on vacation with the kids for 11 days (he was a wreck while we were gone...he was staying at our home and said he missed us so much).

Four weeks ago he was DONE and never coming back. He was distant and quiet.

Now, he's calling our home "home" (he wasn't in the beginning). i asked him if he was home for good (after my trip he said he'd be home...which shocked me). Instead of saying "I don't know" or "i can't move back" like he said before, he said, "Not yet."

Four weeks ago he said he couldn't stand being around me or being in our home. Now, he just spent 3 days with me and our little one (older one is at gramma's). We worked together on the house, laughed, hung out, played around, did things together, snuggled, talked late every night over wine (about interesting things, not us). He even turned down going to a party. He said it was just too far, but..lol...ok, nice excuse.


He even asked if he could take me out...to call my mom and find out when she wants to babysit. He said he wants to take me racing with him (he races cars). He begged me to play piano last night and held me when I said he's the only one who's ever made me feel good enough on the piano...he held me and said, "That's one of the things I love about you." And i played for about an hour.

He left for work today and didn't take his clean clothes or his toiletries or PS3...I don't know when he'll be back. It's day by day. I panic, I am insecure but I'm in therapy for my own issues (which drove him away).

My point is (sorry that was so long), is that EVERY DAY is a new day. Every day is a new hope and one step closer to healing. Four weeks ago my husband was gone. Slowly, he's coming to terms with himself and us. I say nothing. I don't ask. I just do things through love and without ego. It becomes easier with practice...

Try to get some sleep and breathe...meditate...everything you do should be counterintuitive...don't act on your feelings. 

It will be ok. Show him who you are. I had lost myself and am finding her again. He lost himself and is finding him again. It's awesome because he is again the man I fell head over heals in love with. ...and I think he's seeing me for me again too. 

Slow and steady.  Just be positive. Work on yourself and you win either way. I am sorry you are in pain. Breathing helps me.


----------



## jeffsdesigns (Jul 19, 2011)

Amen. I am finding the same thing myself. Exactly the thing, you described.
Everyday is a new day and have to stay patient. The more you beg, try to reason with them, the farther they distance themselves from you.
I know it hurts like hell. I am still hurting.
But, I have faith, not only we will eventually work things out. But, most of all, I am gaining faith back in myself.
Act happy, like everything is great. be confident, be low key when they are around, short and to the point, never follow them around the house, don't ask for time to talk, don't ask for anything, not even how they are doing.
Focus on yourself and be confiedent and you'll notice changed.

Also, when they do the blame game..agree with them. tell them yes, everything was my fault. But, instead of being sorry about it. Act confident and say, I messed up and then shut up. In enough time, you'll notice they will start defending you.

Sounds wacko...but it works.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YES! My hubs did defend me the other day. We were having a discussion and he brought up insecurities and I said that mine have caused so many issues in my life (with a look to him), and he said, "Well, you had dad issues and issues with men and stuff. it's understandable." I was shocked.

To the OP, just take care of you and try your best to be calm and stable. DO NOT RIDE THAT ROLLERCOASTER WITH HIM. Emotions will ebb and flow. Enjoy the good times and don't panic over the bad times (I am getting better at this). He is in a bad place right now...

I have bad days (today was one of them) but I am still ok. You are ok too


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

jaw, you have gotten some good advice here. Please take heed and let nature take it's course. I can feel the love you have for your H and the love he has for you through the computer. I loss a H due to many things and very few have to do with me directly. Even though the marriage is over, I am thankful for what I had and move on. You will do whatever it takes to live. I pray that R is in your future, but if not...you will still have the memories of a good love. But if I was a betting woman, you two will be working things out very soon. Just keep on making that beautiful music ;o)


----------



## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

... and who said that separation doesn't work? Maybe not for all, but like the doctor said ... if I can only cure ONE person, it would be worth it!

Here's hoping that it keeps getting better for you everyday!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It takes two to make or break a marriage. So stop feeling ike the blame falls squarely on your shoulders. You can certainly validate what he says and admit, that yes, you were wrong about XYZ but don't let him guilt you into thinking you were the reason why everything got messed up. It takes two.


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I hold out very little hope that there is a reconcilliation in our future. He is very adamant that it is over; that too much has happened over too many years (28 together, 23 married) and that it has affected him in ways that he can't get over. I'll take most of the blame as I know that living with me was not easy. My whole life I've either been depressed or under-treated for that depression and just recently was was diagnosed as having adhd. Never knowing what type of a mood your wife is going to be in when you walk in the door can certainly get draining on you after awhile. I know for me it was a chore living with myself.


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Do you think there might be someone else?


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

No, I don't think there is anyone else. If there was he wouldn't be spending so much time at his mom's or our house. I see him leave in the morning and come home at night after work (He lives with his mom just 5 houses down from us).


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

nickiblue said:


> ME TOO
> 
> my H wrote an essay of all the ways he feels i have wronged him. there are a lot of inaccuracies in it, but whats the point in saying that. it will only lead to more arguements.
> 
> i cant believe i let this happen


The inaccuracies you talk about that are in his essay are his perception of what was. Your statement that there were inaccuracies is your perception of what was. It happens all the time, there are misunderstandings and is miscommunication. Some of the communication problems can be easy to fix but both partners have to agree on the process to get it right. My W and I had the same communication problems - she never understood the importance of the method we were asked to use to fix it - that is why we are here today. I never could get through to her how CRITICAL it was to follow the simple rule of repeating back a request. She thought it was nagging and somehow it offended her. I never understood the stupidity of not understanding such a simple process. So much of these misunderstandings can be avoided if people use a simple rule. Here it is:

EVERYTIME you ask each other to do something, or comment on something, the person hearing it repeats it back to the person that said it, what it is they heard/understood them to say. There are several reasons for this. 1> It gaurantees that you heard and understand exactly what was said or asked. 2> It reinforces to the person saying it that you understood what was said or asked. As a result of this communication tool, you reduce or eliminate the possibility of getting into a dispute later about what was said; you avoid misinterpreting what was asked. I can't tell you how many times my wife MUMBLES something from another room in the house and for some reason, she thinks I can clearly hear it. When I walk over and ask her what she said, she gets aggravated. This is something that I am going to ask her to work on. I think it is ridiculous that she makes me feel like an idiot when I ask her to repeat what she has said so I can be sure I heard it right or when I ask her to repeat what I said because I am concerned that she didn't hear or understand me. This is especially critical when the topic is very important.

I know that sounds crazy but I know without a doubt that there are many stupid arguments that could have been avoided by following this one simple rule - but no! Someone felt that she was above all that. So many times she came back at me and told me she said something when I clearly know she didn't. So aggravating. Fixing this problem is going to be one of my requirements if she wants to work on the marriage. Such a simple thing to ask for.


----------



## AllyM (Aug 2, 2011)

Alright everybody stop blaming yourselves!!! It's making me crazy. It definitely takes two to destroy a marriage. Why were you holed up in your bedroom all the time? Cuz you couldn't wait to sit with him? Take 50% and leave the rest. Work on that 50% the best way you know how. I tell my husband "every night I ask myself if I am doing everything i can to be a good person" That is all we can do. Work on yourself, don't worry about him, and one way or another you will either have him back and you will both be healthier or you will attract a better man. My therapist told me that there are no unsuccessful relationships. We have relationships to learn and as long as we learned something it was a successful relationship.


----------

