# Spousal put downs



## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

How do you react to when a spouse put you down?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Can you elaborate? What type of a put down?


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> Can you elaborate? What type of a put down?


In fairness, they are indirect putdowns. 

The more recent example came about as our daughter was applying to colleges. She is a v. good student but is disappointed that she may not be accepted to her father's alma mater. 

Husband's family sent him to private boarding schools and he subsequently went to a prestigious university. I agree he should be proud of his accomplishments. I, on the contrary, did not attend my school of choice due to financial constraints and instead went to a local, less competitive college. We both ended up in the same profession but I've always felt he acted a bit superior because of where he attended.

Fast forward. Daughter's test scores arrived and were good ( similar to what mine were) but not the near perfect score of my H's. So for the past few months , everytime we are alone, H starts in about how our daughter is not as smart as he thought based on her scores. Doesn't matter she gets mostly A's in school, "she may not get in his alma mater." H says she would be out of place there anyway as the students are much brighter based on the higher scores. She should go to a less competitive school if she wants to excel.

He has brought this topic up at least *50 times* *even though he knows it bothers me*. We disagree and he discounts my arguments. One score is not a reflection of work ethic, intelligence etc. Those same colleges have graduated students below my daughter's academic ability based on politics and sports abilities. 

In other words, we are not as smart as he is and don't deserve to attend such a prestigious college. Nor would we do well if we attended. 

Not sure what he wants me to reply. Am I supposed to tell him how much more wonderful and smart he is than we are?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Ask him the next time he brings this up what he would do to fix this. Push him to apply himself to help her. This will in its self challenge him to get closer to her and be more apart of her life. In the hope he might get a better understanding of what she is going through.

Clay


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Based on what you've written, I'm not sure if he's really putting you down or if he's trying to make himself look like "all that." I was married to someone who could be mildly critical of many things like this, and it never bothered me because I thought of it as a fishing expedition - he wanted recognition for things he'd done. (Fortunately, he acknowledged as much when I called him out on it and asked if that's what he was really going for.... most people would get defensive instead.) 

In your circumstances, you might ask him if there's a reason he feels a need to compare instead of offering acceptance.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow, he needs to get over himself and I would tell him that. I would also tell him that his superior attitude is very unattractive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not argue with him. He is not listening anyway.

Try active listening. When he starts in, just repeat back to him what he is saying. He will probably be able to get down to the root of what is bothering him quicker that way.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

talk123 I'm confused- some of your threads refer to your fiance and some say you've been married 20 years...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Just as there are those who are excessively pleased with their looks or their athletic ability there are those who are excessively pleased with their intelligence. 

Yes, your husband's comments could be an indirect put-down of you -- implying she has your intelligence and not his. But very intelligent people are often not exactly well-rounded. Tell him your daughter is perfect just the way she is.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My wife let the resentment build up in silence until she emotionally checked out of the marriage. I hope that helps.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> talk123 I'm confused- some of your threads refer to your fiance and some say you've been married 20 years...


I wondered about that too. In another post, the OP said her sister-in-law is unhappy because the OP is going to take the brother away. She referred to him as her fiancee. But now it seems she has a long term marriage and a child who is almost an adult. :scratchhead:


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I wondered about that too. In another post, the OP said her sister-in-law is unhappy because the OP is going to take the brother away. She referred to him as her fiancee. But now it seems she has a long term marriage and a child who is almost an adult. :scratchhead:


Sorry for the confusion. He is my H. In the post you are referring, I changed the involved to maintain anonymity. Please read quote from that thread, page 7 below:

I started this thread for advice about whether or not to tell the BS of her H's affair with my family member. *I changed the story a bit to maintain anonymity. The A has been revealed, no longer need to protect anyone anymore *and now it is a different problem. So in order to answer your question, I have been married and I love my H.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

MrK said:


> My wife let the resentment build up in silence until she emotionally checked out of the marriage. I hope that helps.


Sometimes I wonder if my H has another agenda. He never used to put me down. In fact it was the opposite. 

I've asked him why he changed. He has no answers. But it is hard to communicate with someone who does open up and is not honest. So I'm not sure if who is checking out here.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

How do you respond? "This b.s. is all about you, when you want to have a conversation about our daughter, what is best for her and her happiness, then we can talk. But I am not going to listen to another b.s. session where you want to use our daughter to inflate your ego. If you truly don't think she is good enough for you, then you go ahead and tell her in plain language..and we'll see how much you'll hear from her when she moves out."


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if my H has another agenda. He never used to put me down. In fact it was the opposite.
> 
> I've asked him why he changed. He has no answers. But it is hard to communicate with someone who does open up and is not honest. So I'm not sure if who is checking out here.


This is educated guesswork, so use it if it's helpful and ignore if it's not, ok? 

I find myself thinking that he's possibly feeling inadequate, which is a common basis for both of the behaviors you've described - his superior attitude and having an affair. 

When you have some quiet time to think, consider how your own behaviors and actions could contribute to him feeling less worthy - whatever could prevent him from feeling like your knight in shining armor every single day. While I know that it's true that he's not exactly making you feel like a princess, you've gotta start somewhere and you can only change you.

Do you complain? Tell him your viewpoint instead of really hearing his? Do you miss his unspoken signals and instead, rely on his words when you're trying to stay connected to him or resolve disagreements? 

Whatever it is, make a commitment to doing it differently - to find a way to change your "normal" response to one that's more supportive and encouraging.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Ask him if he thinks he could get in to his Alma Mater today with his old grades...

College admission to good/prestigious schools is a roll of the dice at best - maybe the guy was lucky to get in back then but today's high schools are far more demanding and good college admissions are iffy regardless of scores.

Tell him to check parchment.com for admission numbers and also check College Confidential for deeper insights.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Next time he opens his mouth to brag about his superiority, make a bag of pop corn and you, him and your daughter drive to the nearest body of water, get out, set up some folding chairs, for you and your daughter, grab the pop corn and tell your daughter, "Daddy's going to show us how great he is by walking on water." Then tell him to get his pompous ass in gear and start hoofing it.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I would challenge him to help her if he thinks she should improve. 

Sounds like to me he is full of himself and there's no room for others.

Since he has not always treated you this way I smell an affair.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Those tests don't measure emotion intelligence and compassion. Your daughter is likely just as smart as he is, only in different ways. And why harp how an excellent student is not as excellent as his scores, especially when it is HIS DAUGHTER! I don't even know what to say! 

Give him a test of emotional intelligence and then express your disapproval that he did not meet your standards. Dumbfounded here. Sorry not much help.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

We all want our children to excel. Seems in his mind, there is only one way to do that, which is to break the SAT curve and enroll in the most prestigious university around.

That's his dream. Maybe it isn't your daughter's. If he's living vicariously through her achievements, wait until she brings home a jazz musician for a boyfriend for the real excitement. 

I don't think he's putting your down. I think he's disappointed.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

scatty said:


> Those tests don't measure emotion intelligence and compassion. Your daughter is likely just as smart as he is, only in different ways. And why harp how an excellent student is not as excellent as his scores, especially when it is HIS DAUGHTER! I don't even know what to say!
> 
> Give him a test of emotional intelligence and then express your disapproval that he did not meet your standards. Dumbfounded here. Sorry not much help.


LOL! Great point! I'd love to do that although he'd admit he is not the best communicator about things personal to him.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Cletus said:


> We all want our children to excel. Seems in his mind, there is only one way to do that, which is to break the SAT curve and enroll in the most prestigious university around.
> 
> That's his dream. Maybe it isn't your daughter's. If he's living vicariously through her achievements, wait until she brings home a jazz musician for a boyfriend for the real excitement.
> 
> I don't think he's putting your down. I think he's disappointed.


Thanks. Is he disappointed in me, her of the both of us?


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Your H sounds a bit elitist IMO, at least as you describe him. Because he believes his pedigree is so indicative of how smart he is, because neither you nor your daughter have achieved it, you must not be as smart.

I am admittedly sensitive to this kind of thing, but I absolutely would not tolerate my spouse looking down her nose at me. Perhaps I'm projecting too much into your OP, but that's how it sounds to me.

If it were me, I would inform your H that your education was just fine and point out that you've been very successful with it (assuming that you have been, of course), and that if he can't be civil about it, you will not talk with him about it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Thanks. Is he disappointed in me, her of the both of us?


I can only give you my _guess_. The answer can only come from him.

He's not disappointed in you - he married you full well knowing everything about you - although he probably does feel superior, even if he wouldn't say it out loud. I agree with Davelli that he sounds like an elitist, we all know the type (there might even be one posting on this very thread!), and he really wanted his daughter to join that fraternity. 

I also guess that he'll come around and soften up a little after some time digesting the problem.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

This kind of crap just irritates the hell out of me. My IQ is in the genius range. I blew out the standardized tests when I was young as well. I was in a study where I took the SAT in 7th grade and my scores were good enough that we even had a couple colleges contact us about admissions when I was about 12-13 years old.

However, I don't compare myself academically to my kids. I help them with their homework and do my best to find ways to explain things so they can understand them. I am actually glad that my kids didn't follow me academically. I HATED being the 'brain.' I just want my kids to apply themselves and do the best they can.

I don't compare myself intellectually to my wife either. Sure, I can reason things a bit faster and some things like that, but she has skills that I don't have, nor care to have. She brings extreme value to our business with her skillset. The damn IQ scores don't mean that much for success in life.

Additionally, I am not sure that the college you go to truly determines your future. I just went to a local university. It was not prestigious by any means. However, I have been able to be successful in my career and able to start my own company that provides for my family. 

Sorry if this sounds crude, but I hate when people try to hold their intelligence over another. I will say it is funny when I show up looking like a dumb gym rat and can hang intellectually with just about anyone. It really does mess with some people's head and their over inflated ego.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

bbdad said:


> Additionally, I am not sure that the college you go to truly determines your future. I just went to a local university. It was not prestigious by any means. However, I have been able to be successful in my career and able to start my own company that provides for my family.


At the risk of committing the mortal sin of mentioning science on TAM, the majority of surveys done on the matter show that the university one attends only matters in the first 2 or so years of one's career, and after that one's career success is much more highly dependent on proficiency in one's chosen profession.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If a spouse puts you down by calling you names, I flag that. 
If a spouse puts you down by raising his/her voice so your point can't be heard, flag that. 
If a spouse says things to hurt you because it will stop you in your tracks, flag that. 

I say flag not as in the TAM "red flags," but as a flag that indicates communication has stopped. Whenever someone wants to win at all costs, in a relationship, communication has stopped. There's no point in going farther until you can change the dynamic in place. Give each other time to cool off, whatever the situation is, so it can be re-adddressed. Not too much time, because that will indicate it's not that big a deal, didn't bother you; you're just bringing it up to be a right fighter. 

Hope those viewpoints help.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

bbdad said:


> The damn IQ scores don't mean that much for success in life.


QFT. There's an old adage: "'A' students teach 'B' students to work for 'C' students."

I know a lot of really smart people who I wouldn't let drive my car.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

EQ is a more accurate predictor of success than IQ.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Actually there's a lot of different ability Q's that pinpoint to success. 

My older daughter got my social sciences and visualization genes and is a very successful design college student.

My younger one took her mom's hard sciences genes and is an excellent STEM student in HS.

I would not dream of comparing the two. They both found what they like and excel at it.

My wife's idea is that everyone can learn drawing or calculus or languages and for a while insisted our older one go to med school. A few art competitions and scholarships later she was convinced that med school wasn't happening for the old one but we nearly divorced over her stubbornness...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Thanks. Is he disappointed in me, her of the both of us?


Does it really matter? His disappointment doesn't have to be YOUR problem! It's his own. It's based on his values and beliefs, and it's up to HIM to cope with any discomfort that happens when his values and beliefs aren't lined up with reality.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if my H has another agenda. He never used to put me down. In fact it was the opposite.
> 
> I've asked him why he changed. He has no answers. But it is hard to communicate with someone who does open up and is not honest. So I'm not sure if who is checking out here.


I'm not saying this is the case and I'm not dismissing your husband's poor behavior, I'm looking at this from a standpoint of "from what you can and can't control"

At the beginning of your post, I sense some jealousy etc in how you describe your husband. One thing to consider, do you have any jealousy towards him and does THAT come out towards your husband in little ways where he has now started to become resentful and is acting the way you're seeing him NOW. If he didn't used to act this way, and does now....something changed for him. Some stimuli injected itself.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

For me it pretty much shuts the conversation down until she's willing to speak, and listen, respectfully.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm not saying this is the case and I'm not dismiitsing your husband's poor behavior, I'm looking at this from a standpoint of "from what you can and can't control"
> 
> At the beginning of your post, I sense some jealousy etc in how you describe your husband. One thing to consider, do you have any jealousy towards him and does THAT come out towards your husband in little ways where he has now started to become resentful and is acting the way you're seeing him NOW. If he didn't used to act this way, and does now....something changed for him. Some stimuli injected itself.


To answer your question in the beginning if our relationship he said, without provocation that it didn't matter where I went too school just I ended up in the same end point as he did. Also be had been a faithful supporter of his alma mater as soon as our daughter was born. 

Now it seems to bother him his daughter won't be going to a prestigious university. 
Does this information add explaination to his feelings?

If I were jealous, should that effect what he says about his daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

I don't give or receive put downs or threats of any kind from anyone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The argument about alma maters is irrelevant - I would not want my kids to go to the same schools I did unless he/she was going for the same  exact program I was and it was a highly ranked program to boot.

Let's say Dad went to Northwestern and studied engineering. To get admitted there today versus 30 years ago is insanely more difficult. Also the atmosphere may be a good fit or not a good fit, and unless Dad has an oil well or two named after him, a Hoi Polloi school with a strong engineering program and different atmosphere could be a better fit (say, Texas A&M, UIUC and the like).

Top rated programs are top rated for a reason, but education is what you make it. Find a number of schools that are reasonable reaches, matches, and safeties and go from there. 

If the put downs continue ask Dad to provide a copy of his HS gpa and test scores and check parchment.com to see how good ole' Dad would fare today.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Now it seems to bother him his daughter won't be going to a prestigious university.
> Does this information add explaination to his feelings?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems he's mad at himself for wasting money!


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Seems he's mad at himself for wasting money!


Maybe. Will let you know if he continues to give.

H also looks down at the schools some of his friends attended. Only difference is he would never outwardly put them down.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

daysgoneby said:


> I don't give or receive put downs or threats of any kind from anyone.


Do you show disapproval or let it roll off your back?


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