# Turning wives down...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How do other blokes do it?

Do you do it nicely? How?
Does it work - does it stop her? If so, how?
How does she feel short term and long term?
Are you firm with your refusal? If yes, how do you avoid hurting her at the same time?
If you hurt her unintentionally, do you apologise? If not, do you at least make up?

For those who have also married nymphos, please answer too!
I need ideas, I'm about to fully give up on this issue and just hope time will bring out better days in the future.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> How do other blokes do it?
> 
> Do you do it nicely? How?
> Does it work - does it stop her? If so, how?
> ...


When not in the moment gently suggest she get help for her sex addiction. There's high sex drive and there's out of control. She's out of control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> When not in the moment gently suggest she get help for her sex addiction. There's high sex drive and there's out of control. She's out of control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. Is she in counseling now for anything? If not she needs to be.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't even get her to admit that her high sex drive is a problem let alone admitting sexual addiction 

She has the whole world on her side too with this issue, and when I'm gentle she doesn't take it seriously, yet I don't want to hurt her by being forceful when it comes to sex and intimacy - it's sensitive. I'm pretty much stuck, and I actually find it ironic how things somehow managed to go back to "her way" by simply 'helping her heal' and 'making up' after our last fight.

Actually, is me giving in a bad thing?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I need ideas, I'm about to fully give up on this issue and just hope time will bring out better days in the future.


This is the hard part -it is likely NOT going to get better as your ABILITY is going to get less and less and her drive , as she ages, will climb a little. This IS the natural course of men & women. 

WHY in the world doesn't she just use toys !!?? I don't get it. And still, is her beliefs keeping her from getting any kind of counceling , possible medical intervention? 

I see no reason why YOU can not demand those 2 things and walk in it. Set aside a reasonable amount of physical sex (once a day), you would probably be happy with - or 5 -6 times a week. This is so NORMAL , this is SO REASONABLE. It is still ALOT. 

This is a "Boundary" issue after all, feeing entitled to this -overstepping in this area, and she is ultimetly destroying you with it , and your relationship! 

She needs to read & comprehend about Boundaries for one. And to deal with her own LUST demons. 


Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310221517): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: sex addiction women: Books


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I do not understand why she has the whole world at her side, and that might make her feel better, but they are not in her bedroom, YOU ARE, she needs YOU at her side, not them. This she needs to understand, get a handle on. 

Or let her get a "screw buddy". Seriosuly some peoples situations are out of the box. I know I know, she only wants you - You know they make special order Blow up dolls and you can get a dildo designed after your husband. I am sure it costs an arm & a leg. 

I do not know this couple but a friend of ours tells us about a couple they know, the wives sex drive is through the roof, his is not, their answer, she has someone else . He says it has been that way for years , it works for them. Just saying. 

She doesn't seem to want to consider alternatives, but I think IF one partner is NOT happy, something needs to change. It needs to be worked out so you both are as "equally happy" as you can get. A lopsided marriage is one headed for trouble.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is the hard part -it is likely NOT going to get better as your ABILITY is going to get less and less and her drive , as she ages, will climb a little. This IS the natural course of men & women.


That is scaring the heck outta me. I'm hoping it's not true! I can't handle it if it turns out true for both of us!



> WHY in the world doesn't she just use toys !!?? I don't get it. And still, is her beliefs keeping her from getting any kind of counceling , possible medical intervention?


She does when she can't get it, or if she can't make it to work, she calls me up and I go into my office and I end up having phone sex with her. Luckily, I have yet to accidentally press the loudspeaker button!!! Still, at least it saves my ballsacs as I easily fake it.

She's a tad confuddled with her beliefs really, to the point at times she twists them to her benefit, like how a man should love his wife and forfill his 'duty' as she 'does' (in a selfish way). Her friends and her rapport with everyone on her side most probably reassures her that it's my problem and not hers however.



> I see no reason why YOU can not demand those 2 things and walk in it. Set aside a reasonable amount of physical sex (once a day), you would probably be happy with - or 5 -6 times a week. This is so NORMAL , this is SO REASONABLE. It is still ALOT.


She doesn't see it as a problem that's the problem. And we've tried that this year. It was on a healthy 3-4x a week average sometimes spiking to 7x a week when she really gets me going. I could finally orgasm too, with healthy white liquid. Instead of just ejaculating clear fluid.



> This is a "Boundary" issue after all, feeing entitled to this -overstepping in this area, and she is ultimetly destroying you with it , and your relationship!
> 
> She needs to read & comprehend about Boundaries for one. And to deal with her own LUST demons.
> 
> ...


Hmmm, I think this is part of the problem, she doesn't like the restrictions I placed on her this year. She doesn't like being turned down for any reason, and me turning her down from time to time this year has built up her resentment silently until I had to poke her to get all her frustration out. A part of me regrets it now however, I've opened pandora's box again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I do not understand why she has the whole world at her side, and that might make her feel better, but they are not in her bedroom, YOU ARE, she needs YOU at her side, not them. This she needs to understand, get a handle on.


Heh, remember that inter-religious crisis we had? Her friends, her church, even her "god", became her army to throw at me so she can have her way with me and make me submit. They are mere pawns, they just don't see it.



> Or let her get a "screw buddy". Seriosuly some peoples situations are out of the box. I know I know, she only wants you - You know they make special order Blow up dolls and you can get a dildo designed after your husband. I am sure it costs an arm & a leg.
> 
> I do not know this couple but a friend of ours tells us about a couple they know, the wives sex drive is through the roof, his is not, their answer, she has someone else . He says it has been that way for years , it works for them. Just saying.
> 
> She doesn't seem to want to consider alternatives, but I think IF one partner is NOT happy, something needs to change. It needs to be worked out so you both are as "equally happy" as you can get. A lopsided marriage is one headed for trouble.


I've tried so many times and it only serves to make her issed: , so nowadays I only bring it up to get her mad, not to use it as a solution because she would have none of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Once again...you meet all of her needs to the point where it distrresses you and she gets pissed off if you ever say No to her. I don't know how you do it. She has a sex addiction. And she gets mad if you won't f*ck her on command. Its sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> WHY in the world doesn't she just use toys !!??


It seems like she probably has issues with insecurities(based on her history) and she's looking to HIM to make her feel secure with sex at a frantic pace. Until she gets into therapy and starts working through her "stuff", she'll remain dependent on him  And it will probably only get worse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm going to try to find a counsellor first, someone who is experienced in dealing with sex addiction in women, and who won't judge me as an "unappreciative bastard". Then going to confront her and weather the tantrums, think we're due for another fight, she's healed up enough milking me for now.

Guess if I don't deal with this now, and risk hurting her. In the future once I'm no longer able to satisfy her, worst may happen.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

QUOTE=RandomDude;392721]I'm going to try to find a counsellor first, someone who is experienced in dealing with sex addiction in women, and who won't judge me as an "unappreciative bastard". Then going to confront her and weather the tantrums, think we're due for another fight, she's healed up enough milking me for now.

Guess if I don't deal with this now, and risk hurting her. In the future once I'm no longer able to satisfy her, worst may happen.[/QUOTE]

How about 'I'm not your PFD (personal f**king doll) and when we have sex, I want it to be an expression of our love, not like some Olympic sport. Let's deal with this, it isn't working for me'. How sad for your wife (and you), but how unfulfilled she must be inside. 
She needs a new 'hobby'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sorry Random Dude - your worse fears - here is something I found on the net trying to describe how it GENERALLY goes 



> *Balance the seesaw*
> 
> When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.


If she is that much ahead of you now in your 20's , buddy, this is a Train wreck. YOU MUST get her to agree to Counseling, or you might have to leave, it will end up being 60% bad, 40% good again & worse for you. It's not right. She is not giving anything, or trying to correct her behavior, she has no cares. 

Do not make apologies for her anymore. If you know you are being reasonable, you must stand firm and unbending in it. If she wants to continue to pout like a baby -let her! 


She is very defective and wants to remain so, to the detriment of her own marriage. She has to be made to see this, even if it hurts and she can't milk you for awhile and you refuse to do the phone sex while you are at work (that is crazy anyway!).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If she is that much ahead of you now in your 20's , buddy, this is a Train wreck.
> 
> She is not giving anything, or trying to correct her behavior, she has no cares.
> 
> She is very defective and wants to remain so, to the detriment of her own marriage. She has to be made to see this, even if it hurts and she can't milk you for awhile and you refuse to do the phone sex while you are at work (that is crazy anyway!).


That is exactly how I am reading it. She does not give a sh!t about his feelings. It's all about her. To the detriment of their marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What a morning... hell!

The missus is tough to convince, she did everything I expected and more to attempt to worm her way out of this one; she even tried to stroke my ego so I'll stop probing her issues. I kept at it however and finally, war again! She says she's tired of dealing with this and that we shouldn't bring up 'old fights' but I told her it's NOT an old fight and it's not settled. (Funny how she says this because she's at the advantage)

She insisted it's just who she is and she can't change it, then hurt me real bad by telling me that she was wrong to think that I would able to handle her... bah! I just gave her a harsh stare after she said that, and just buggered off for a break. She followed after me and tried to apologise heartily, saying she didn't mean it and blah blah blah.

After she was convinced I calmed down and forgave her she started going on about how it's her "love language" and I go "ITS A FREAKIN SEX ADDICTION!", then she goes on about how she's not addicted to sex, just me and feels hurt that I don't feel the same way or some BS like that, and I had to reassure her of my lovey dovey crap again and remind her that it's not about whether or not I love her - my body just can't take it! Then she told me that her "parts" hurt too but she takes it and got used to it, and then claims it's BS that I say I can't do it because I've done it before (admittedly, a few times before marriage or when we're on holidays), told her it's not BS and that only for short periods of time I can endure 3-4+ times a day, reminding her that it's not a continual thing and it's not 21x a week. Then she told me she endures the pain and I was like "I DONT WANT YOU TO ENDURE THE PAIN", then she reminded me she's "used to it" so I go on about how it's all about her and my needs don't matter.

She claims I'm the one being lazy and unloving when she's the one always trying to make it work PFFFT! We went around in circles and I told her how it almost worked for months and if we could at least reduce it to 7x a week, then she says we have a lot of free time and why "we should spend it together" and that "you don't do anything at work anyway!" (which is kinda true). I questioned her insecurity at that point, questioning whether she's doing this ballsac-milking because she reckons I'm going to cheat again, then she claims she's over it and she trusts me now (oh really?)

After it was obvious we're getting no where soon she gave up and 'agreed' to tone it down to once a day but I told her that I want her to go to counselling regardless because she's just going to build up resentment again like this year and she went berserk yelling that she doesn't need counselling and that she's not going to do it and it's "final", and that I'm trying to run away from my 'responsibility' of forfilling her needs by getting her to counselling and trying to 'fix her'

Bah! We're having a break. This is bloody ridiculous and stupid! Going for a drive methinks...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Will be honest, your circumstance has given me an interesting perspective of how wives must feel when they are badgered by their husbands over sex. Perspective is everything. My ex thought I was being harassing if asked twice over the course of a week ... whereas in your case, and others that i have seen here, it is every day.

It makes sense to me that you probably aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from your peers, or her 'church folk'. It is very easy to dismiss your 'issue' to the realm of 'this is a problem you shouldn't be complaining about, as a man.'

You do need the help of a professional. No question. May need to be you going solo to get things started. Would also suggest that you pre-screen that professional to make sure they have a handle on addressing this kind of issue. You may need to make it clear that the therapist will need to come to you, if she won't go to them.

Your other option would be to shut her down completely if she refuses to value what you need from her and the relationship, as you have tried valiantly to perform for her and her needs.

Your circumstances vex me. From when you originally joined the boards, and given a number of your posts, you generally seem like a take no sh!t kind of guy ... you have proven as much in the stand you have taken previously. But it is also obvious that you love her.

What to do always looks easy when the person giving the advice isn't in love with whom the advice is intended to impact.

I have no sense for how she reacts when you decline? Does she get hostile? Angry? Avoidant? Hurt?

I have no sense for how you feel when you decline? Nervous? Relieved? Anxious?

I think best you can do is to convey to her that you love her, and you love being intimate with her, but that you want to be able to say 'No' or 'Later' without feeling like you are letting her down, or doing something wrong.

The only woman that I know of who has owned having a libido remotely close to your wife, on the boards is SimplyAmorous. She has made some very candid and open posts about when her libido spiked through the roof. But ... I don't think she has ever 'accosted' her husband, as your wife appears to with you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You know, I wish I had advice, but all I could say is that I'm a very persistent, unbendable force, and feelings were hurt. There are therapists out there who specialize in addiction issues like this, too.

I put together a basic 'facts of life' speech about boundaries, and I stuck to it. Literally thousands of times. 

For us, it wasn't as much that she wanted sex twice a day, minimum. That was okay. It was more that I had absolutely no say-so in the romance department, which didn't go over very well at all. And, I sensed that I was only the relief pitcher for a poor self-image. I wanted to be connected. Fortunately, we were very religious in the early years. I never, ever tried to use the threat of 'I am the head of the home', but this became a last defense because it worked. Told her that if it was questioned repeatedly, then she better be ready to wear the pants in the relationship in each and every way, including working, else I don't want to hear another convoluted speech. She would start arguing, and I gave her the speech. 

You see, for her, the husband was supposed to take the lead in the relationship. I didn't agree with this in all aspects, but you would think that the bed would be the first place to start if she really believed this. Hard to do if she was determined to declare the expectations there. 

This is when we realized that my wife was bipolar, also. She tried to commit suicide, and so much of the reason was tied into poor self image.

I'd have to say that the combination of her making the connection about letting me be an equal partner in directing the love life, plus therapy with an addictions counselor, really helped in just a couple of years time. I couldn't imagine it working, however, if you can't tie it to some firmly held belief that she holds related to the relationship. But drawing a parallel from that to the sexual dynamics, and being willing to beat the drum until it sinks in, maybe you can find some progress.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Deejo

Aye, everyone reckons I'm an unappreciative bastard, it's very frustrating. I hate this world more and more the missus enjoys her advantageous position in society.

Yeah, I think even if she doesn't want to do counselling I may have to, if not to find a way of how to deal with this issue. Perhaps lead by example even? Who knows? She might end up joining then we can solve this once and for all. Screening them will be a challenge, most of them are straight off counselling college nowadays and read crap off books and have little experience.

Shutting her down completely will turn the house into a warzone, I can just see it happening, when I decline her, she may get hostile, angry, avoidant, hurt sure, but also abusive, out of control, and may hurt herself in the process. She goes nuts as if she's withdrawing from heroin or something.

When I (try to) decline yes, nervous at the inevitable consequences of declining, very anxious, and not really relieved because of the anxiety. This changed this year because I thought we were beginning to understand each other's needs but NOOOO, back to square one!

I'll try to talk to her tonight again, using your lines, let's see what happens, probably end up having to service her to make up and 'help her heal' again. Heck why do I feel like I'm a cigarette?! And yes, SimplyAmorous and some others has given me a lot of insight and advice in regards to nympho-ness, but no, she's loving and understanding to her husband, unlike Darth Wifey...

Thanks deejo, I appreciate your reply and advice.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> @Deejo
> 
> Aye, everyone reckons I'm an unappreciative bastard, it's very frustrating. I hate this world more and more the missus enjoys her advantageous position in society.
> 
> ...


Unappreciative? Are you kidding me? Putting that much time and effort into servicing someone when they both admit it hurts is unfriggen believable. She 'takes one for the team' even though she admits she's sore? Who's she forcing herself for? She makes no friggen sense!!! My female parts just hurt thinking of it. I'm sure there are many with macho jokes, but this is sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Halien

YES! A man who also has a nympho wifey! We are the most misunderstood blokes in the world! Heh... sorry, but I'm trying to take the piss outta this lest I lose my sanity!!!

Boundaries I can enforce in every way except sex! She's incredibly stubborn and crazy about it! What is your "facts of life" speech that you use on the missus if I may ask? Might have to pull the "husband-leader" card too but I'm dreading it, and sometimes I wonder if she will even accept that considering how sex-crazed she is.

I don't know if the missus is bipolar, some behaviours confirm it others don't. If she is, then she does a good job of covering it up. Looks like counselling is the only option for us, need to find one who specialises in addictions.

I just wish I'm in your shoes now, as I'm in your shoes where you were all those years ago.

@Golfergirl

Tell me about it! She's f--king nuts! And believes she's sane even! Like WTF?!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

magnoliagal said:


> ...........still can't believe I talk about this crap on here.


Nothing to worry about. It stays between you, me, and about 27,000 other people.

TAM helped me more than two years of MC and 1.5 of IC. Therapy undoubtedly has it's place, and I'm not saying that an anonymous forum should take the place of professional therapy, but I also believe that there should be a goal. I stopped going when it became apparent that I had to look for things to talk about. The big issues got addressed.

For RD, you definitely should go to IC if your spouse refuses at the moment. If you start going ... it will be further evidence to her that you take this seriously.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

From your description of her behavior when rejected, there is a key that would have really impacted my wife in this issue, but maybe not some other women. I would really just refer to my wife as a very strong sexual nature, but incredibly insecure. Someone who suffered with anorexia, then bulemia. 

No matter what she thought, my wife felt that intimacy should be a place where we only brought positive, good emotions. Sure, it might hurt her if I said that she was stressing me at times, but the comment woud knaw at her for days. She also really, really liked it that I was alpha. Hard to be alpha if you are not taking the lead, though. 

I also knew that in this respect, I was the luckiest guy on Earth, in a sense. Her bipolar depression seemed to disappear when we made an intimate connection. 

By showing her what was normal and healthy, through research, she realized that many men were happy with once a day, or once every other day as years progressed. Not that this changed anything, but it gave a foundation when speaking. By telling her that I really liked to pursue her, but that her anger and sulking were really turning me off, she became a little more focused on my feelings. Finally, I said that if she got angry, reacted hurtfully, etc, then she better speak to Mr. Hand, because I was not going to make love in an environment of hostility. (I can't believe that I'm admitting this).

I will say that applying tantric intimacy was the thing that really brought us together sexually. Bringing in an incredible connection made her more receptive to my needs. Above all, she wanted passion, and to be desired. Slow touches, caresses, and a progression of kisses would be enough if she knew that lovemaking was on a multi day cycle that built each day. For the life of me, I can't remember the books we used, but much of the tantric part of it was taught to me by a former girlfriend, who was much older than me. 

The situations here might be different. For me, the issue was more about having an equal voice. Not feeling like it had to be plain intercourse any time she decided that it was time. We agreed that sex interest would never be verbalized, but we both had ways of communicating through the day through touch. Unless I was sick, I wanted some sort of connection every day, is what I am saying. Often though, it might just be enough to show her that I desired her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I had to reassure her of my lovey dovey crap again and remind her that it's not about whether or not I love her - my body just can't take it! Then she told me that her "parts" hurt too but she takes it and got used to it, and then claims it's BS that I say I can't do it because I've done it before (admittedly, a few times before marriage or when we're on holidays), told her it's not BS and that only for short periods of time I can endure 3-4+ times a day, reminding her that it's not a continual thing and it's not 21x a week.
> 
> We went around in circles and I told her how it almost worked for months and if we could at least reduce it to 7x a week, then she says we have a lot of free time and why "we should spend it together" and that "you don't do anything at work anyway!" (which is kinda true).





RandomDude said:


> Shutting her down completely will turn the house into a warzone, I can just see it happening, when I decline her, she may get hostile, angry, avoidant, hurt sure, but also abusive, out of control, and may hurt herself in the process. She goes nuts as if she's withdrawing from heroin or something.


RD, I hurt for you. This is absolutely sick. And it's bordering on abusive, if you ask me. Some may say it's already abusive. I would not be surprised if you don't enjoy sex. I know I wouldn't if my SO wanted me to f-ck on command, several times a day, as a chore and then would get angry and ignore me, throwing temper tantrums like a child and then withdrawing altogether if I didn't put out, despite me saying my "parts" are hurting.

WTF. 

She has some deep-seeded issues. DEEP. Any woman (your wife) who becomes an escort for sex solely for "pleasure" is not working with a full deck, IMO.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had a talk with the missus tonight, using Deejo's lines, told her that I love her and enjoy intimacy with her and I just want to be able to decline without hurting her feelings. I had thought it would work but sadly it didn't; she says that it hurts either way when I turn her down, that she works hard to maintain herself to look pretty, sexy, etc... and to her when I decline it makes her feel like she's unwanted. I told her that those qualities are not the only things that turn me on and to stop looking for just sex when it comes to love, and she told me she can't help it when she wants to express her love for me and I reject it.

I brought up counselling again but she insists she's normal, just a woman with needs. I told her needs are nuts, and it's injuring me. Then she brought up her 'pain' too that it doesn't bother her because it heals quick unless we do it in a pool or something (it gets bad bc of pool chemicals etc). I told her to imagine what it will be like if I forced her into sex after a pool session and she avoided the argument by claiming that 'it's not like that' though I responded and told her that's what it feels like and she's not a man. I told her I'm empathic if she's too sore after pool sessions but asked her to be empathic for me in return. It's only fair.

She half-assed agreed with me, but whenever I pushed further for her to go to counselling because I know she's not going to like it, she rejects the idea. I told her I'm going to find a counsellor for myself and she tried to stop me for some reason, saying that he/she may give me bad ideas and that our marriage isn't like others and some changes may be for the worse. I teased her a bit, because she went to counsellors before and used them to try to convince me to bend knee last year. She claims she's not like that anymore.

Perhaps she fears me doing what she did to me last year by going to counselling? Retribution? I don't know, I put her to sleep (without sex), we have a while to deal with this, at least we're talking.

@Magnoliagal

Hey, it's good for more nymphos to admit ya know! Your insight is very useful because this issue is rarely touched on. Besides, no one here knows you, so it's all good, all anonymous. I hope one day the missus can be like you in this manner.

@Deejo

I will regardless of what the missus says, I think we're making progress for once.

@Halien

Darn man, that's what is weird. Because this year I thought things were fixed. She seemed to have realised my needs and my 'love languages' just like your wife did, and for a good half a year I've been initiating more, became more loving, more romantic, more empathic and close to her. Things were perfect or so it seemed, but everytime I simply wasn't in the mood and I reject her, it built up secretly. She was like "its ok", but fast forward to our last fight which was in regards to her silence... BACK TO "NORMAL"! 
I can't help her feel loved, I wonder what happened to her, she used to be so different, so confident and well, alpha - and HOT!

I miss the days of pursuing her, and I hate to admit it but... I love it when she rejects me and teases me. The challenge turns me on, and brings out the conqueror in me. Not this...

@Jellybeans

I don't enjoy sex when she's like that, I don't even orgasm. It definitely became a chore. I love her but I'm also human, my sexual desires have buttons and triggers which are not controlled by just what I feel in my heart for her.

As for her past, yes I suspect she has a few screws loose. That was almost a decade ago however since she did that. When I met her she had already changed (or so it seemed). When bringing up her past in this conflict she sees it as "using the past against her" which is a no-no.

But it's obvious that her issues have not been dealt with and even though I respect her religion, they were never qualified to 'save her' from this. Just my opinion. They are preachers, not psychoanalysts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> @Jellybeans
> 
> I don't enjoy sex when she's like that, I don't even orgasm.


I'm not surprised.
Get your therpay with or without her. It's very telling she doesn't want you to see a counselor for fear that you guys are "not like others." Once again, she wants to control the situation.

She is insecure. That is why she said she feels unloved if you don't have sex with her anytime she wants. The fact she gets pissy about you declining sex eventhough you guys have sex several times a day says it all. Her needs come first again and again.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I'm not surprised.
> Get your therpay with or without her. It's very telling she doesn't want you to see a counselor for fear that you guys are "not like others." Once again, she wants to control the situation.
> 
> She is insecure. That is why she said she feels unloved if you don't have sex with her anytime she wants. The fact she gets pissy about you declining sex eventhough you guys have sex several times a day says it all. Her needs come first again and again.


Two things got me - expecting him to get her off with phone sex while at work and her saying she works through it even if she's sore so he should too. What the F is that all about? If it hurts her and him, how can she excuse not giving it a break.
RD, I never read, do you guys have kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Two things got me - expecting him to get her off with phone sex while at work and her saying she works through it even if she's sore so he should too. What the F is that all about?



That's what I've been saying the whole time--it's all about her. She wants what she wants when she wants and if she doesn't get it, she punishes him by withdrawning/getting an attitude/throwing a tantrum. It's sad.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Seeing as everyone is in 'overshare' mode, when you mentioned her pain, that brings back memories for me.

When I fell in love with my ex, we were like rabbits. We were easily having sex 5 or more times a week ... enthusiastically on both parts, for months.
It led to her abrading her cervix. Basically she had the equivalent of a scraped knee or elbow, inside her due to 
all of the friction from intercourse. I never knew, and was dumb-founded that she never told me, but just waited until the pain became too much to bear.

The treatment she received actually made the condition worse ... not better. This led to the entire downward spiral of sex going from something that we both enjoyed physically and 
loved the emotional connection, to only being associated with pain and negativity ... which ultimately led to her full blown aversion towards sex, with me ...

My point is that if she keeps the pace up, in spite of feeling pain, it could lead to something much more serious, and having an impact on your relationship that you cannot possibly foresee.
If she continues to mention pain, suggest that she makes a visit to her gynecologist for a checkup. Hell, tell her my story if you think it will help. 

My wife developed serious issues as a result of the condition, that had a very substantial, negative, long term impact on our relationship and it started out very similar to your circumstances.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> That's what I've been saying the whole time--it's all about her. She wants what she wants when she wants and if she doesn't get it, she punishes him by withdrawning/getting an attitude/throwing a tantrum. It's sad.


I guess I'm baffled by why she wants it even when it's hurting her physically too. I couldn't imagine having enough time even. I do feel for you RD. 
RD would it be too cruel telling her the frequency has turned it to a dreaded chore? When she approaches you and you don't want to if you said, 'I could 'service' you right now, but I am looking about as forward to it as a colonoscopy. Would you rather not wait until I'm in to it or would you be ok doing it knowing that I'd prefer to gouge my eardrums with pencils right now.'. That would stop me in my tracks for sure. I'm a little harsh with that, and a little tongue in cheek, but how would she react if she knew you'd do it, but really, really not into it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I guess I'm baffled by why she wants it even when it's hurting her physically too.


I think it's because she is a sex addict.



golfergirl said:


> RD would it be too cruel telling her the frequency has turned it to a dreaded chore?


This is an excellent idea. Good advice! Tell your wife you don't see it as fun anymore since it's a chore and you can't even orgasm everytime now because of that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

He already tried that with much gentler language than 'it's a chore and isn't fun' and she threw a conniption. She made it clear ... his saying 'no', regardless of how gently, she takes as a complete rejection of their bond, and his willingness to meet her needs.

In all seriousness, it's actually a very disturbing situation.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> He already tried that with much gentler language than 'it's a chore and isn't fun' and she threw a conniption. She made it clear ... his saying 'no', regardless of how gently, she takes as a complete rejection of their bond, and his willingness to meet her needs.
> 
> In all seriousness, it's actually a very disturbing situation.


I gotta say if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have a number of people saying in essence "ha ha you lucky bastard" or just deal with it. Not this particular thread but previous threads. The woman would be viewed as being severely abused and the man would be viewed as a predator. 
RD, you know leaving is an option, right?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Deejo said:


> In all seriousness, it's actually a very disturbing situation.


I agree. The worst part is she doesn't even know she has a problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> In all seriousness, it's actually a very disturbing situation.


Very. It's nuts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

R-
I want to give you a pat on the back for trying to work this out, and in my opinion, a very productive way.

If you rememeber, my way of handling this issue didn't work out so well for us. telling my wife to go get a "boytoy" or on your side of the planet a "toyboy" wasn't so healthy for the marriage.

These days I have found that some of the suppliment she was taking created more of a "drive" so she stays away from them. In addition some other suppliment that are only legal in California (i think) for medical reasons only are now part of her "program"... help elevate the demand on me.

The things is after the last 19 yrs of a sh~ty marriage we both are doing the things to prevent the resentment that can build with this kind of thing. I put out more and turn her down less. The missus is demanding less but getting more. So the point is the both of you have to work together on this, and I hope she understands that it will take the both of to figure it out.

I know not much help here, just wanted to say your not alone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wifey is chucking a fit, had to restrain her this morning. Seems she was hoping that I would get over this fight today but no I'm not over it. Now she's all hurt and crying and feeling bruised and making me feel horrible. Bah!

I'm going to case out counsellors today after I drop by the office, I've contacted a few already. Hell I hope I can find help before the missus goes berserk at me again!

@Golfergirl

Yes we have a toddler, she's 2 years old. Doesn't help as the missus is a SAHM and our angel ain't old enough yet to save daddy from mum's vicious feeding habits!

@Deejo

Ouch... then again, a part of me is kinda hoping for that! But I guess that's because I'm in a bit of a crazy situation at the moment, the other extreme is sadly pleasing to think about! Though, I wouldn't want her to be in pain constantly.

I might have to use your story the next time I get the opportunity to tell her that however, I'll just say, 'my mate told me a story of his mate's lady friend' etc.

@Realbrighteyes

I know, hence my frustration, to be honest I was always afraid to discuss this because of the alarming double standard which you mentioned. I'm glad that members here are understanding our situation at the moment. As for leaving her, no, that's unthinkable.

@The guy

Yeah I remember your story mate, and it's good that you and your wife are understanding each other now, unlike me and my missus. It does help though to know that there could be light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for your support, it is definitely much appreciated.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RD,
Does she behave this way in other areas of her life? She seems awfully extreme.
Double standard indeed and I'll be the first to call it out for both sexes.
Why is leaving her unthinkable? She is physically abusing you!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> RD,
> Does she behave this way in other areas of her life? She seems awfully extreme.
> Double standard indeed and I'll be the first to call it out for both sexes.
> Why is leaving her unthinkable? She is physically abusing you!


If it doesn't impact other areas of her life, I think that there is a good chance that it will at some point. My wife's therapist said it usually goes hand in hand with addictive behaviors. Usually eating disorders. Very strong dependency on other people. 

Our therapist has been working with my wife for months to take her through a program of understanding boundaries and what should be considered to be normal expectations from the husband. Because this therapist specializes in addictive personalities, she has made alot of progress. I think that the key is getting a therapist like this for the OP, then trying to get the wife involved. I've made progress in communicating my boundaries more effectively.

In our case, the therapist believes that the addictive aspect, including the sexual, should be addressed before my wife's bipolar depression, which is very different from other approaches, but yielded better results.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Folks... a bit of a crazy update. She followed me to counselling today, she kept calling and crying over the phone but once she figured I'm not going to change my mind, she decided to meet up, I wasn't thinking right, I should have followed my gut and said no, but at the same time I wanted to get her to counselling... so we ended up going together to meet the first on my list. I suspected she wanted to come just to defend herself - and attempt to BS her way out of this, and I was right...

When we arrived I could tell she was putting on another face, I told her to be honest and she insists she will be. Pfffft! It was the first time I've initiated counselling, and I had a bad feeling about it. The counsellor was very young, though he seemed like a nice guy. I was trying to be honest while she was trying to save her face, and eventually we had a 'calm' fight in front of him. She claims I'm making a big fuss over it and that I have issues with expression and accepting love (LIKE WTF?! Ok sure, in the past, but not now!). So since she played that game I played back and told him EVERYTHING - except me coming on here of course, kept my bases covered. I told the counsellor how I'm coerced to sex, including our frequency. He was a bit shocked about the 3-4x a day thing, the missus however, was issed: !!!

Surprisingly though, she still managed to keep her face somewhat though I could feel the steam coming out from her no matter how well she hid it, don't know if the counsellor picked it up though. She tried to defend herself by claiming she's doesn't 'coerce' me at all, and that I accept it each time and I'm apparently having a tantrum about this because I'm bored. I cracked up so hard over the BS she said (I'm bad in this way, I can laugh even at a funeral! Got a sensitive funny bone) :rofl: .

I finally said it, yelled it really, that I accepted being raped by her just to prevent the gates of hell from breaking loose every morning, afternoon, and evening. I argued with her in front of the counsellor all those times she was abusive to get her way and I guess the counsellor was trying to calm us both down when he tried to change topic and asked quite a few questions about our lives outside of sex. He seems to buy into the missus' BS too, guess it's his job to attempt to listen to both sides which is very annoying. I'm not sure if this joint counselling could be good.

We got referred to someone more experienced in dealing with this (typical! he admitted we need a specialist), and booked a session for this friday. Too bad though as we have to go all the way past the CBD, 1.5 hours drive later this week, In the end I told her not to drive home mad especially if she's going to driving with our daughter. She told me not to tell her what to do, and to get f--ked, heh she's REALLY mad. Through this experience I also found out my problems with previous counselling -> I actually played along with her and was never too open with them in the past, it was my weakness.

Once I got home she exploded, telling me how much I hurt her and saying I embarrassed her and that I have no respect for her and that I'm making a big fuss over this and even accusing me of attempting to sabotage our marriage. Hell she's bloody difficult. Now it seems she's talking to her mum or her friends or something. Door is locked, meh. This is nuts. I just want to get drunk and pass out and not wake up. So damn stressed now, but at least my ballsac pain is healing... the only good thing.

It's strange, this is a big fight, there's no desire to make up with her, no sexual tension. It's too deep for that. All I feel is a lot of anger, disappointment, and frustration...

I really, really miss the good times all those years ago, we were so in love with each other, fought against the world together as partners and lovers now we are fighting each other with everything we've got. Bah nevermind I'm going to get wasted.

@Realbrighteyes

She's actually a good wife in every aspect except THIS! Well, then again...

Ok, she's very extravagant, since allowing her to manage our household finances though she's improved. She's manipulative and can be very selfish if I'm not careful with her. She can be extremely stubborn, like now, gah! I don't know... The stupid thing is that we were best of friends before all this. We have a strong connection and bond, we've weathered a lot of crap together and that's why I can't leave her despite all this... yet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> The stupid thing is that we were best of friends before all this. We have a strong connection and bond, we've weathered a lot of crap together and that's why I can't leave her despite all this... yet.


I like the ..."YET". Sometimes I think a "*Separation*" can do a *heart *and a *mind *a very good thing. It may NEED to come to that, be open to that -this is not divorce. If she keeps throwing these babified tamtrums and blaming you for just being down right reasonable in this, (once a day is more than reasonable), You seriously may need to leave for a time, and only meet when you go to counseling or pick up your 2 yr old for playdates. 

The time apart will give her MUCH to think about, and what she stands to LOOSE if she does not take this SERIOUS this time around. 

Not sure where you live, but here they have Sex Addiction Meetings, like Alcoholics Anonymous, she needs to ADMIT she has a problem or nothing will change. 

I hope this Specialist Counselor will be just what you both need. Good for you to NOT step down & let her take over the session as she has before. Whatever you do, DON'T BACK DOWN -no matter what she throws at you, stand your ground unashamedly -as you know you both have to get off this merry go round-for your future happiness, yours and hers. 

I wish I could have seen the shock on this young counselors face when you said how often. And why did that particular information make her so mad issed: that you shared it - does she think this doesn't need disclosed somehow. 

I know you have not done this & are more GENTLE with your words as Deejo spoke , which is a blessing. 

I don't think you should EVER go out of your way & tell your wife that you would prefer getting a colostomy or having your eardrums stuck with pencils over sex with her. If my husband EVER said something to me like that when I wanted it more than him, let me just say -- I can forgive just about anything that comes out of someone's mouth & I could forgive that too BUT .... words like that would destroy me & I would likely question his desire every time we had sex for the next 10 years. It would be excruisiating crushing for me.  

Even if your wife is a mad woman (and I know she is!) that is NOT the way to handle it. Intimacy is just something we are too sensitive about. It will play on our minds for a long long long time. DESIRE is SOOOOOOO delicate of an issue. One time I told my husband his member was "homely" :slap: he knows I meant ALL men though (boy was that ever an assinine thing to say, I crushed him with that damn comment -for years).

I know you know better than this. 

Keep your humor, keep assuring her you LOVE her deeply, but stick to your guns about this counseling, "how often" boundaries, and her getting help so she does not seethe with resentment, but lowers her "expectations" out of love & understanding FOR YOU while still feeling you love & desire her. 

I personally have never had any of these "sore" problems -ever. Can't imangine still wanting to go at it -if so. That is really a sign of an addiction! That needs to come out at counseling too.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> All I feel is a lot of anger, disappointment, and frustration...


This sentence sums up why I applaud your efforts to make a change. You can't keep going the way you are going. I know it isn't easy but it has to be done.

I'm not in the mood to overshare but lets just say I can relate to your angry wife. Throwing tantrums was my specialty when I didn't get my way. The best thing you can do is NOT give in to them. No matter what you do it will never be enough.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A little update, we're talking again, 'cept... I dunno, I may have kinda f--ked up.

Sure the plan was to wait for the counsellor on friday to help her to see it's a problem. But today she seemed to have put on a different face then usual, she dressed well, did her hair up, and looked rather lovely. Had a good posture about her too, there was something about it...

As we're healing and still have yet to wait till friday, I guess I got a little carried away... I tried to initiate a make up (I know I know! ARGH). Yet it was surprising that this time she has no intention to 'make up'. I feel freakin' stupid initiating now. Is this some form of revenge? Is she trying to tell me something? Like trying to prove her point that I'm in over my head, that I AM an unappreciative bastard, that we don't need counselling, and that I shouldn't press this if I want her.

That's the messages fed to my head since she decided to turn me on today, hence my gut tells me I'm being manipulated. Damn my instincts... I don't know... Or heck, maybe she's trying to tease me and make me lose some form of control the same way I get her mad to make her lose control. 

Looks like we're still fighting, just a cold war now. Bah!
Now I'm not getting any, and I was happy for a while, but now she's teasing the f--k outta me.

@SimplyAmorous

I read the post btw, I was just a tad occupied today to reply. Anyways nope, most times -> no foreplay. It's straight grinding for her. I'm a foreplay/romance/tease/playful kind of guy, she's not. Heck, and she knows this... just doesn't do anything about it most times for some reason.

I'm starting to have a feeling her motives may be more hidden then I may even have suspected. She's starting to seem even more manipulative and selfish then I first predicted actually.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

It's both manipulation and revenge. I've done it. I used to have quite the evil streak when I didn't get my way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I tried to initiate a make up (I know I know! ARGH). Yet it was surprising that this time she has no intention to 'make up'. I feel freakin' stupid initiating now. Is this some form of revenge? Is she trying to tell me something?


This is par for the course with her. When she doesn't get her way or like something you do, this is how she reacts. Like a child. Over and over again. It's the dobule standard again. "Do what I want, or else..." 

Like Magnolia said, the worse thing you can do is give in. You must stand your ground without backing down. If you do back down, she'll start to lsoe respect for you. Be a challenge for her, instead of rolling over to placate her. I do hope you are able to work through this together and hopefully she will start being receptive to your needs and putting half the effort you do in your marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> It's both manipulation and revenge. I've done it. I used to have quite the evil streak when I didn't get my way.




What I find troubling is that, compared to the routine forced sex she puts me through, she rarely does this tease when we're in a good mood... hell I have to force myself not to deal with her now, yet at the same time I feel like letting go and dealing with this issue "later" and just give in and apologise and make up with her and cancel the counseling... but then we'll be back on our merry go round... BAH!

Not saying I'm going to do it, but that's the flashes of thought that went through my mind today. And I'm stuck in my man-cave... it's official, she's definitely DARTH wifey... hell how the heck did I end up married to her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> This is par for the course with her. When she doesn't get her way or like something you do, this is how she reacts. Like a child. Over and over again. It's the dobule standard again. "Do what I want, or else..."
> 
> Like Magnolia said, the worse thing you can do is give in. You must stand your ground without backing down. If you do back down, she'll start to lsoe respect for you. Be a challenge for her, instead of rolling over to placate her. I do hope you are able to work through this together and hopefully she will start being receptive to your needs and putting half the effort you do in your marriage.


I know, I'm just annoyed that she's using every weapon she can think of at the moment. A tease to inspire love making is nice, a tease to manipulate and revenge on a partner however, F--K... hell she's screwing with my head.

I wonder what she'll think of next once she realises this won't work (It won't, as I got my own secret weapon... MY HAND!!!). I almost dread it. I just hope I can last until friday, and after that, hope it gets easier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> hell I have to force myself not to deal with her now, yet at the same time I feel like letting go and dealing with this issue "later" and just give in and apologise and make up with her and cancel the counseling... but then we'll be back on our merry go round... BAH!


Please don't do this. 

You have gotten into a habit of telling her what your concerns are and then she loses her sh!t when she doesn't agree with your point of view and she lashes out at you, then you feel bad and in order to get back on hre good side, you do whatever she wants. So her needs get met and you are back where you started.

I was just reading on another site some simple advice offered to someone posting a relationship problem: "If you tell your partner your concerns and they refuse to acknowledge how you feel and meet you ahlfway, then you should determine whether you want to continue with the status quo or not." 

Your wife doesn't respect your boundaries. Be firm with your boundaries. 

My ex husband used to pull the same sh!t. It got really old feeling like I was never being heard & ignored and like my concerns didn't matter but his were the standard. Double standards don't fare well and don't lead to a healthy relationship.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's good to have support, it helps it does... even if it's just a forum, knowing there are anonymous folk out there encouraging me to be strong, it helps.

Guess I have to be strong for our marriage, not for me or her, but us. Hope she appreciates this in the end. Getting thoughts like "what if all this backfires"... bah! Temptations to be complacent everywhere, and the missus ain't helping obviously!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Found an article I wanted to share with you:

_Brett's Blog: Out of Bounds: Dealing with People Who Break Boundaries 
by Brett Blumenthal 

Most people have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to respecting boundaries. However, we are bound to find individuals who don’t. These people are abusive…and if we don’t deal with them properly, they will continue to break boundaries time and time again.

As much as we strive for healthy relationships, we inevitably encounter individuals who are bullies, toxic or just plain manipulative. Some of these people KNOW what they are doing, but often, most “just don’t get it:” They have little-to-no self-awareness and feel that they are fully entitled or appropriate in their behavior. And what’s worse is that they frequently get away with it because others don’t stand up to them. This enables boundary breakers and convinces them that their behavior is acceptable. Here’s a news flash: It ISN’T.

The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries. You’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship. Further, you won’t have to succumb to their inappropriate behavior over and over again:

1.Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step in this process is to identify those individuals who don’t respect your boundaries. Doing so will keep you on the look-out for times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.
2.Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries. Some questions to ask: Are they pushy? Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering? Do they discuss things with you that are inappropriate? Do they disregard your wishes or needs? Do they always prioritize their needs before yours?
3.Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start feeling. Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong? Can you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren’t sure why? Do you feel nauseous during the discussion? At times, our guts have better listening skills than our ears. If you can feel a visceral reaction to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something isn’t right.
4.Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize boundaries are being broken, think about how you want to react. Reacting without thinking through your position and what you want as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential “room for discussion” or more broken boundaries down the line.
5.State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary. Sugar-coating it…hemming and hawing…playing nice…politely saying no…often doesn’t work with people who perpetually break boundaries. Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers don’t have a clue as to the fact that they are crossing a line. The more obvious you can be, the better.
6.Don’t Back Down: If the person continues to push you on a topic, tell them the topic “isn’t up for discussion.” The more you stand your ground, the less likely the person will continue to try to push you on things in the future. No means no. Inappropriate is inappropriate. And, boundaries are boundaries.
The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get._

Out of Bounds: Dealing with People Who Break Boundaries


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> @SimplyAmorous
> 
> I read the post btw, I was just a tad occupied today to reply. Anyways nope, most times -> no foreplay. It's straight grinding for her. I'm a foreplay/romance/tease/playful kind of guy, she's not. Heck, and she knows this... just doesn't do anything about it most times for some reason.
> 
> I'm starting to have a feeling her motives may be more hidden then I may even have suspected. She's starting to seem even more manipulative and selfish then I first predicted actually.


I took that off, I put TOOO MUCH information on here sometimes and feel really stupid afterwards & go & delete it. 

If she NEVER needs any forplay at all and is ready to go 3 times a day, she has to be seriously major major over load horny. KInda like a guy who can't keep it down and needs a release, and gets ANTSY & frustrated about it. That is how I was for 8 straight months. It was wonderful but tormenting at the same time. I never got it as much as I wanted it either, but I could "live" with once a day, so long as I had something to look forward too. 

That didn't mean I didn't get a little irritated once in a while, I DID but I learned to not expect too much from him*. It was MY problem, not his*. 

Your wife has to come to this place somehow, and not blame you, hold it against you. 

I must admit, if she is feeling like THAT all the time, I feel a little bad for her (just becaues I have been there), that was really hard on me. I am glad I now need forplay & am not THAT revved up all the time, it was a bit of a curse.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SA the difference between you and RD wife is abuse. From what I remember she's got some in her past. Her overdrive isn't real. It's driven by abuse in her past and it will not just blow over in 8 months unless she seeks help.

I know this because I have abuse in my past which is why I've been hypersexual for as long as I can remember and I'm 45. I still have it I've just learned to manage it better that's all. It went away for a few months recently but it came back. Sigh...

I agree with the part where you say it was your problem not his. I feel the same way now about my husband. I further agree that it is a bit of a curse. It sucks to want sex so much and to not be able to get it as often as you'd like. It's probably why I relate so well to the men on this board.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's hell to be male


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> SA the difference between you and RD wife is abuse. From what I remember she's got some in her past. Her overdrive isn't real. It's driven by abuse in her past and it will not just blow over in 8 months unless she seeks help.
> 
> I know this because I have abuse in my past which is why I've been hypersexual for as long as I can remember and I'm 45. I still have it I've just learned to manage it better that's all. It went away for a few months recently but it came back. Sigh...
> 
> I agree with the part where you say it was your problem not his. I feel the same way now about my husband. I further agree that it is a bit of a curse. It sucks to want sex so much and to not be able to get it as often as you'd like. It's probably why I relate so well to the men on this board.


 I didn't know there was abuse (must have missed this part of the story). I have heard things like this though in reading a few pages of a sex addiction book. 

What I don't get is..... how would an abusive past give these non stop "physical symptoms"?? That is hormonal in nature. I suppose our minds can bring that on but surely not on demand-every hour. 

Wanting to have sex all the time "to feel loved" -that makes sense to me, like there is something missing in these women's lives & this is their PILL Of choice, reassurance every time they bond, but then they want the next FIX shorty after, cause it doesn't last. I read the marority of these women don't even LIKE sex, they just wanted to feel loved by these men, so they continued to live like this. 

This has to be a different scenerio than the hormonal Physical "need" due to wetness around the clock type thing??

Or does this go with hypersexuality -for everyone cursed with it -whether it is for a short time (like myself) or for those who have it years & years & years. The mind working the hormones up so -these women are "jumpers". 

This is why Psychology is such an exhausting & deep feild, I have always loved it personally, Always something new to learn.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I also missed the part where RD's wife was the victim of abuse.

RD, please tell us more about that. I think I asked you once and you said she didn't have abuse in her past.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I also missed the part where RD's wife was the victim of abuse.
> 
> RD, please tell us more about that. I think I asked you once and you said she didn't have abuse in her past.


She worked as an escort when she was younger. It's my understanding that, as a result(or from something from her childhood that led her to being an escort) she has defined her self-worth as a person through sex. Without it, she believes she is nothing. It's what holds her together. So she keeps going, even if it hurts. She pushes herself to be physically aroused at all hours because this is "who she is." It is her security, her identity, her worth as a person.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Conrad said:


> It's hell to be male


*Before **my "experience*", I used to think ....men are all dogs, all they think about it sex, what is wrong with them! And if they left a marrage over sex, could there be any lower form of scum, time to chop their balls off . I didn't say these things of coarse, but I had a few friends who did! I just didn't get it-cause I was ALWAYS satisfied. 

*After my experience*, I suddenly had this amazing sympathy for them when they didn't get it. I realized for the 1st time in my life, If I was sex starved, I think even I could have fallen into the arms of another . Yikes! Where the H did that come from (this was NEVER ME - oh my no!) That is HOW MUCH I feel for the High Drivers now, and I can't understand why any of them stay! 


Still happy for the experience, It is a blessing to have been on both sides of an issue.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> She worked as an escort when she was younger. It's my understanding that, as a result(or from something from her childhood) she has defined her self-worth as a person through sex. Without it, she believes she is nothing. It's what holds her together. So she keeps going, even if it hurts. She pushes herself to be physically aroused at all hours because this is "who she is." It is her security, her identity, her worth as a person.


Thank you MGirl. This is what I remembered as well. 

Yes to all this. Its what's wrong with her in a nutshell. I totally can relate.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Thank you MGirl. This is what I remembered as well. Whew okay I'm not so forgetful.
> 
> Yes to all this. Its what's wrong with her in a nutshell.


Exactly. And when RandomDude tries to tell her this is too much, when he tries to tell her no, she takes it as a rejection of herself as a person, because her sexuality is so tied up in her own identity. She becomes belligerent and violent when sex is taken away from her because it feels to her like a part of herself is being ripped away. And she'll manipulate as much as she needs to to get it back or to punish the person who took it away.

She HAS to get into therapy and learn to re-define herself as a person; to drop her dependence on her sexuality as her only redeeming quality as a person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MGirl said:


> She worked as an escort when she was younger.


Yes I do remember RD saying she worked as an escort but that there was no abuse that he knew of AND she told him she did it for pleasure, not to earn money or for her self-worth. That is why I believe she has a LOT deeper issues if she becamse an escort solely for "pleasure."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Magnoliagal

Thanks for sharing btw, it is very enlightening. And yes she has her past as an escort. I'm suspecting something there but I'm not so certain as she never made a mention of any sexual or physical abuse during her childhood. The only 'trauma' she has endured was rather light, more of an identity crisis. It was probably too subtle, so she pretty much may have grew up accepting of her worth in sexuality for a while.

@Jellybeans

Hmmm, let's see...


> 1.Know Who You Are Dealing with:


Check, ok I'm dealing with a nutcase ex-escort who is now a nutcase nymphomaniac. lol


> 2.Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries.


Check, ok been observing her behaviour and acknowledged her manipulative nature.


> Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start feeling.


Check, yes! I'm doing something right heh


> Think First, Speak Second:


Ack... I screwed up a few times in this...


> 5.State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary.


Check... painfully now I might add.


> 6.Don’t Back Down:


Check... and I just hope this won't backfire.

It's like a test of willpower =/

@SimplyAmorous

She's blaming me for everything and won't accept it as her issue  Only a professional can do that but from the last experience she's going to be a hard one for them to break. She has a hardened shell now too, she knows I'm on to her, and she's decided "ok you want a war, you'll get a war, and you'll lose" 

Our marriage is like a war now, kinda like a rebellion against a tyrant where the tyrant feels I'm the terrorist and yet I feel like I'm the freedom fighter heh

@MGirl

Yes, you're correct. I guess I kinda felt that hunger in her when I first met her, I just didn't expect I would be biting off more then I can chew by falling for her. Now I'm trying to 'fix her' yet she's probably a bit spoiled in a way now - she's had her way in sex and I guess she doesn't want it to change.

Her behaviour when she decided to come to counselling is almost like she's realised she is losing control of the situation so she decided to show up and dictate how it develops and perhaps how it ends. I guess it was too much to hope that she wouldn't be aggressive when her way of life is threatened.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Our marriage is like a war now, kinda like a rebellion against a tyrant where the tyrant feels I'm the terrorist and yet I feel like I'm the freedom fighter heh


Sometimes in life we need to go to battle to win a sustaining victory. The battle will be rough, might even get a little bloody at times, but don't loose hope, it simply needs to BE. 

Now if she just gets the right counselor who can crack her, open her up & see HER part in this, being the fighter that she is, if she aligns herself WITH you instead of against you, you will have the world at your feet. 

It will probably be ugly for awhile, they need to break her down.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It will probably be ugly for awhile, they need to break her down.


Guaranteed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok folks, today's the day...

I'm almost sad now really, it's been a while since we have indifference with each other. I'm also worried about her breaking, I hope it won't backfire, I'm going to case out the counsellor.

It's almost instinct to prevent her from breaking down, to protect her, but she needs it. I have to let go for now, and I'm not used to it. It's been a while since I've been sleeping by myself too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*UPDATE*

Looks like we're going through individual counselling for now, guess the counsellor's right that group therapy will go nowhere considering we end up fighting all the time. Well... mission accomplished actually, she's in counselling!

Yay!

Still, I wonder if she hates me for this... or if she will thank me later. I don't know =(
Someone give me some reassurance all will be well... =/


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Still, I wonder if she hates me for this... or if she will thank me later. I don't know =(
> Someone give me some reassurance all will be well... =/


Because of my husband I ended up in IC. At first I hated him for that but later yes I thanked him. He truly saved my life. He knew that wasn't the real me and he was right.

Regardless the outcome all will be well. This is just as much about you is it is her. You know that right?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know, I just want this issue to be resolved once and for all. We're going to be fighting relentlessly until she realises that she needs this however, we're still fighting - though a cold war now. We've pretty much dug in our trenches and armed our missiles, she has *our* bedroom and I have my man-cave. Our daughter is like an 'ambassador' who stops the war temporarily from time to time. It's kinda childish actually what we're doing, oh well.

I wonder how long she can last the drought though, normally with this situation I would be sending her a 'submarine' but looks like make up sex ain't in question as this is much more serious then previous fights since I got counsellors involved.

Hope this war won't last for like years, might as well be calling it quits.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Look at it this way.

Without this step, you're doomed.

So, what do you have to lose?



RandomDude said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> Looks like we're going through individual counselling for now, guess the counsellor's right that group therapy will go nowhere considering we end up fighting all the time. Well... mission accomplished actually, she's in counselling!
> 
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know...

It's just a pain now seeing her like this, she's past the anger stage now she's just sad. We're talking again but she feels so hurt that I did this to her, guess she realised how serious I am. She doesn't believe I love her now, no matter what I say to her to reassure her. I don't know if she's being manipulative again or not but she does seem genuine with her feelings (which is rather f--ked up), when I put my arms around her she burst into tears and told me to leave her alone.

As she wasn't willing to listen, I wondered if she was willing to read so I wrote for her, put it in an envelope and wrote 'read this when you're ready, know that I still love you and I always will'. She took it then threw it across the room and cried until I left. She was obviously VERY ready!!! Heh

I've crossed the point of no return now. We have to continue with counselling. I should have suspected this all the while, even when we were still bf/gf I noticed she puts too much her worth in terms of sex. Her time with the Church suppressed the issue for a time until of course, I came along. I tried to help her see her worth but I guess old habits die hard. I never thought the issue will continue to haunt me for years.

She's confused, in denial, and in pain. She might be too hurt to love me after this, but I can't be selfish and let her continue to suffer due to her continuing to equate love with sex as she'll never feel complete (unless someone gives me an extra pair of testicles! Quad-balls!). She deserves to be able to feel loved outside of sex, even if that may mean we're done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for standing your ground. She is still acting like a child. Keep up with your boundaries. You have gone above and beyond to make her happy even to the detriment of your privates. She needss to give the same amount you do to make you happy. Meet you halfway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This morning the missus and I were trying to sort things out, and I asked her if she ever thought with all our fights we would actually have been better if we just remained best friends. She told me that "we were never just best friends, you know that" (literally finally ALMOST admitting she stole me from my ex! A breakthrough hahaha). We both had a smile over that...

But regardless she thought I was thinking of giving up on her, so I had to reassure again, though I was honest with how I felt with the rapes and all that. She told me that she admits she's sick and f--ked up (YAY!), I asked her if there was something that she didn't tell me about her past but she denies it.

The thing is, there are some strange tendencies of hers that I've only scratched the surface off. She has some strange fantasies involving emasculating men, including the use of a strapon, torturing the penis with a leather strap (like what she did to me once and made me ban restraints), etc etc. So far I'm lucky my butt is still a virgin.

Regardless, from my experience with rape victims (my first was one, she got raped at 14, and she got a tad super-violent), I understand that the need to feel control during sex (even overpowering) is related to the past trauma. 

The missus denies this however, maybe our counselling can find out, but I don't know, she's less honest with her then with me, and told me that she 'gets it now' that this issue is serious and wants us to solve it ourselves without counsellors. It's bloody tempting to accept this offer, as I'm starting to miss her =/

I told her I can't help her, and she went on about how she can only talk with me and that she doesn't trust them and all that BS... I don't know. She's very complicated...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Not complicated. Manipulative. In her mind, she's fighting for her life....her identity, her relationship, her coping mechanism for every feeling that she has are all being threatened and anything she can do to maintain enough of the status quo to keep "herself" intact, she'll do right now. You have to stay strong if you're going to get anything to change.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/
It's tough, being strong in this sense, when it comes to dealing with a demon inside someone you love...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You avatar is pretty spot on, RD.


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