# Beginning separation



## RR85 (Apr 13, 2021)

I'm currently in the beginning stages of separation from my husband. We've been married for over 9 years and together over 12 years. We were originally supposed to move to Texas together at the end of April when he got out of the military, but now I'm staying here in a townhouse with a roommate and he's leaving in 2-3 weeks. 

Part of me thinks it would be easier if we hated each other, but we don't. It's simply that he wants kids. From the beginning, during courtship, I've always made it known I don't want to have kids (even foster/adopt). My mind hasn't changed, but he's been thinking about parenthood a lot for more than a year now. I can't be upset with him for it, people sometimes don't know what they want until later in life. We've decided to separate because neither of us wants to resent the other in however many years because one of us compromised on something with such impact. 

He's been very helpful with getting me moved into my new place. Right now at least, we're on good terms (or as good as you can be in this situation, I suppose). I find myself lately getting crippling depression, and paranoid that once he moves he won't want to even talk to me anymore. He says that he will, but I keep getting in my own head about things and it really brings me down. 

Is it normal to feel such a rollercoaster of emotions when you're going through a separation? I'm starting to feel a little bit crazy, honestly. I've been with him for almost half of my life now, and he's my best friend. I can't imagine a life where we don't even talk to each other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't think there is much you can do about it, unfortunately. As you say, people change. From what you say, he doesn't come across as someone who would forget you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm saying this gently, but to think you can continue a friendship after the dissolution of your marriage is naive. 

As soon as either one of you enter into a serious relationship with someone new, problems will begin to arise. How do you think your new partner would feel about you talking to your ex a couple of times per week? If it were me, I would set you free to go be with him as I'm not keen on a partner sharing emotional intimacy with other men...especially ones with which they've had a sexual relationship.

What about when he finds someone who's willing to have children? How will she feel about your continued contact, knowing there's no real reason to continue said contact?

As hard as it may seem now, you need to prepare yourself for him being out of your life completely.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I'm saying this gently, but to think you can continue a friendship after the dissolution of your marriage is naive.
> 
> As soon as either one of you enter into a serious relationship with someone new, problems will begin to arise. How do you think your new partner would feel about you talking to your ex a couple of times per week? If it were me, I would set you free to go be with him as I'm not keen on a partner sharing emotional intimacy with other men...especially ones with which they've had a sexual relationship.
> 
> ...


You are probably right, but it's not rare for people to remain in contact in a cordial way after separation; that said, with no children together it's less likely.


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## DeadNDreaming (Apr 27, 2021)

RR85 said:


> I'm currently in the beginning stages of separation from my husband. We've been married for over 9 years and together over 12 years. We were originally supposed to move to Texas together at the end of April when he got out of the military, but now I'm staying here in a townhouse with a roommate and he's leaving in 2-3 weeks.
> 
> Part of me thinks it would be easier if we hated each other, but we don't. It's simply that he wants kids. From the beginning, during courtship, I've always made it known I don't want to have kids (even foster/adopt). My mind hasn't changed, but he's been thinking about parenthood a lot for more than a year now. I can't be upset with him for it, people sometimes don't know what they want until later in life. We've decided to separate because neither of us wants to resent the other in however many years because one of us compromised on something with such impact.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're going through a lot of what I've been going through. My wife decided to end our 6 1/2 year marriage about 2 months ago. I understand the roller coaster of emotions. I've been experiencing the same thing. I've been lucky to have a place to go and a big support system but sometimes it's not enough. She used to be my sole source of support and then all of a sudden that was gone. I couldn't imagine my life without her and her family. My first instinct was to try to find a way to keep her in my life going forward but I know that wouldn't be good for either of us...at least not yet. Our split is amicable. There's nothing malicious. We just grew apart. We've always made great friends but we need to learn how to be ok on our own before we reconnect and it sounds like you do too. I've been reading a lot of books that have helped. I've talked to a therapist. I've started to alleviate some of my anxiety with the calm app and meditation. I recommend all of those things. While it sucks right now, I think it's going to just take time for you and I to get through this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's nice that you recognize that this is an incompatibility, but I have to agree that you two being friends isn't going to work.

This very thing happened to a friend of mine. She married her bf right out of hs, and she went to college while he went to police academy. Eventually he started working nights and drifted apart as they went into adulthood.

Their divorce was amicable and they went to the courthouse together for a quick divorce...didn't fight over anything and remained friends.

Eventually he got another gf who he married and she wasn't crazy about him having contact with his ex wife. They didn't have kids so there was no reason. Knowing both of them I truly don't think there was anything at all left between them but contact just wasn't appropriate.

Eventually you'll cut the chord and move on but it will be a transition for you.


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