# He denies that it's verbal/emotional abuse..



## MissKing08

Everytime my husband and I got into an argument, he would blame me for everything. He would say that it's all my fault that we're having marriage problems. I refuse to say anything back, because it would just make him even more angry at me. He's called me a few choice names, which I won't even say. Whenever I would try to tell him that what he says to me really hurts my feelings, he would tell me to get over it already. It's very hard for me to confide in him, because he made it clear that he didn't care. If I'm crying, he would ask me, "what the hell is your problem?". Everytime he would call me a name, or bring me down, I would feel so bad about myself..I still do. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, so I have no idea what to do..When I brought it up to him that he has verbally/emotionally abused me, he says that it's because I see it that way..he'll tell certain friends and family members that I'm such a b****, when I'm really not. Any advice would be helpful..


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## Blanca

What brings on these fights? Do you ever retaliate?


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## Jamison

MissKing08 said:


> Everytime my husband and I got into an argument, he would blame me for everything. He would say that it's all my fault that we're having marriage problems. I refuse to say anything back, because it would just make him even more angry at me. He's called me a few choice names, which I won't even say. Whenever I would try to tell him that what he says to me really hurts my feelings, he would tell me to get over it already. It's very hard for me to confide in him, because he made it clear that he didn't care. If I'm crying, he would ask me, "what the hell is your problem?". Everytime he would call me a name, or bring me down, I would feel so bad about myself..I still do. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, so I have no idea what to do..When I brought it up to him that he has verbally/emotionally abused me, he says that it's because I see it that way..he'll tell certain friends and family members that I'm such a b****, when I'm really not. Any advice would be helpful..


And you put up with this emotional/verbal abuse why? I'm assuming he has destroyed your self esteem with his words? Once you get some self esteem back and no longer choose to let him walk all over you and call you names, you will then know you are worthy of not being involved with a person whose words wound.


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## staircase

I have had this same discussion with the soon to be ex. The amusing part is telling him he is being emotionally/verbally abusive makes him furious and he goes off on me. Calling me names, telling me all the bad things in our marriage are my fault and my favorite-he would not so subtly hint he was going to leave me and want to "think about things" until I came crawling back to apologize. Screw that.


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## River1977

I don't understand why women put up with abuse and say they "have no idea what to do." I simply don't get it. You want him to stop and change his ways of treating you so badly, so I assume having "no idea what to do" means you don't know what to do to stop or change him. But, you are looking at it the wrong way. Stop thinking about him and what he does, and start thinking about yourself and what you should do to get out and away from your abuser. You want him to listen and to hear you, but he doesn't and never will. You want him to have some compassion and concern for your feelings, but he doesn't and never will. You want him to love you the way you need to be loved, but his idea of love is different from yours. So, why are you still there taking his crap and complaining on a marriage forum? No one has any magic potions to remedy being married to the wrong man - an abusive jerk. 

I know what verbal and mental abuse does. I know how destructive, debilitating, and disparaging it can be. But you have to accept and believe his treatment is not about you and believe you do not need HIM. This is all about him. You just happen to be his victim. He would treat any woman this way, but he met and targeted you. Had you not met him, he would have targeted whatever woman he met. So you see? He is a predator.

You are worthy of love just the way you want it. You have to believe that. You can make it without him. You have to convince yourself. You can find the strength within yourself to leave him because he is never going to change. When you leave, he will cry boohoo tears, profess his undying love, declare how badly he needs you, and make all kinds of promises to change in order to convince you to come back. But, the change will be very, very short-lived. He will soon enough revert right back and turn into himself again. This is very typical. Statistics show (according to domestic violence researchers) it takes a woman leaving 7 times before she finally quits going back and finally gets the message that he is never going to change. Domestic violence does not only pertain to the physical aspect of abuse, where there are visible scars and bruises. It also encompasses verbal, mental/emotional, and sexual abuse, such as your situation. And frankly, statistics also show that the longer men are allowed their rein of terror, the worse they get over time. It nearly always turns physically violent because he becomes more nervy. The woman constantly put up with his crap and let him get away with everything else, so he becomes more confident to escalate the abuse.

These men only get worse the longer you allow him to treat you this way. And it goes on seemingly forever because abusive men are adept at saying everything a woman wants to hear. He gives her hope with all his begging and pleading after she finally leaves. Women NEED to know they are loved, so they fall for it every time. I mention these things because you need to leave and if you ever get the nerve to go, you will know what to expect from him. Hopefully, you will be strong enough to resist going back to him after you finally get away. The best method is to refuse any contact with him - no phone calls, no contact in person, no emails, no texts. I know this is hard because you want your leaving to be display of your intolerance of his treatment. You really want it to be a wakeup call to him so he gets the message he has to stop. His pleading will convince you that he gets the message, but he won't get it. You have to be strong enough to stay away and not fall for his tactics. Just refuse any contact at all so you won't be tempted to be swept in by him. Understand that what you need is for him to love you. You will want to talk to him. You will want to hear all of his reassuring words of love and remorse. You have to know it won't be real beyond a few days or a few weeks after your return. You will be right back where you started.

If you don't have resources to leave, there are domestic violence shelters you can escape to. They are private homes and facilities of non-disclosed locations. They will help you plan your exit, and then they will help you get on your feet and become independent. They have all kinds resources available for women and children who flee abuse, resources most people don't otherwise know anything about. 

From one abuse victim to another, please take my advice. You are not powerless, and you don't have to put up with him. You are worthy of love and desire, but he is not capable. We women have a tendency to get with a man and convince ourselves we love him because he duped us into falling in love. But you have to recognize this for what it is and recognize you don't have to put up with it. And you shouldn't put up with it. He is not the last man on earth. He is not your lord. That he treats you this way and makes you feel so bad does not mean it is true. It doesn't mean you do not deserve better because you do.

Domestic Abuse Hotline

Romeo's Bleeding


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## Kate0558

same problem here. I just keep telling him that he can't talk to me like that. he's gotten better but it still comes up. he's like well its true. i'm just stating the facts. the fact that i'm a dumb B****??? 
he says he knows he should treat me better but he just gets pissed off and this is how he reacts. 

but i just try to tell him that i love him but i refuse to be with someone who treats me like **** and calls me names all the time. Telling him if he really feels that way about me then he shouldn't be with me. says he's with me cus he loves me.... how could you love someone and still think so poorly of themm??? or call them names that clearly hurt them?? still cant figure that one out. 

just stand up for yourself.


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## TemperToo

I've the same issues. My counselor says I give WAAAAAAY too much of myself to my husband. She says I need to protect my feelings a little more. I agree with her, although I do agree with everyone else too. I'm leaving because of it and more....


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## engrose

O my this resonates of my own experiences. I completely sympathise and understand how upsetting and frustrating this unpleasant situation can be. 
I have been married 17 years. I haven’t felt secure in my husbands affections for a long time. One of the most devastating things that can occur in a marriage is for the husband to become critical toward his wife. My husband at times has been scornful, sarcastic and cruel, be it verbally or relationally, in front of friends, sometimes in front of the kids; the latter I cannot tolerate. He is not a big drinker but like a few at the weekend, when he does it sometimes turns a switch.

My husband is an introvert, he has been known to pat my arm telling me to calm down at dinner parties, or shake his head in disgust when I have laughed out loud...oh I could give you a huge list but suffice to say that slowly this man has eroded what was a sparkling happy lady. My friends have suggested as such too.
Tomorrow is D day as after another weekend of volatile behaviour (verbal and controlling - wine does not help) I need to confront him, not in a confrontational sense but in the hope we may salvage a small piece of hope. I have written a letter to him - its impossible to talk to him - I have written it carefully and without attacking him. (not easy) I am expecting him to either rip it up or say something derogatory, I am hoping he will be an adult and suggest we talk things out for the kids sake if nothing else and yes there was a time we loved each other... "To love and to cherish, till death us do part"

Needless to say I am scared, not of him but because this is a defining moment.

Thank you for your time.


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