# Online Dating Websites



## Simcha

My x filed for D 7/12 and our D became official 7/13. I was uprooted from my home city five years ago and moved to her home town (CA to NY). 

I am all alone, except when I have custody (50%) of our two sons. Although our marriage had deteriorated the last three years, I miss the companionship and the family union. "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't". 

I have been trying to meet people on some of the online dating sites, but have not met anyone, they all seem to be scams. Its been my experience that aside from the regular subscription cost, if you want to "message" someone or "contact" someone, you have to pay more money. I also have the impression that the websites falsely lure you with made up people that express interest just to get you to pay money.

I find myself spending a lot of time on these sites. They are a huge distraction and they are becoming frustrating to me since I have not made much progress with them.

My x has moved on and is already dating someone and has been for the last 6 months, which makes me feel even more lonely. 

I am at the point of closing the accounts I have so that I am not reminded everyday that I am not meeting someone. I am on Jdate, Zoosk, POF, and Jewcier.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Wow, no luck on the dating sites. I haven't resorted to them cause I'm not looking for anyone at this point.

I relate to the difficulty of being alone. I live in MI and my mom and brother are in Fl. My sister is 3 hrs away. I have a good time when I have my kids (every other weekend, once a week for 3hrs, holidays). Other than that, I work and come home to an empty townhouse.

I can suggest some things to try: a good church (if you are so inclined), find people who like similar hobby interests, spend time with co-workers, volunteer, take a community education class, etc. If nothing else, be willing to start your own community group. I think connecting online is okay, but the real world is where it is at.

Be mindful of comparing yourself to your ex and other people. Each of us takes our own time in moving on. Nothing worse than getting involved with someone and you are still working through your pain.


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## Paradise

Yes, comparing oneself to an ex and their life. Most of the exes usually checked out and/or had someone lined up long ago to replace the left behind spouse. Hard to not compare when you are without companionship and they find the "next" everlasting love!!! 

I get it. Went through it. But, it is not a reflection of you as a person. Heck, I dated like crazy right out of the gate and for the past year plus have been on about 5 dates total. I'm ok with that now. 

As for the dating sites...Well, good luck. My experience with the free sites is exactly as you have stated. I had my luck on Match where there are less scammers and creepy people. You get what you pay for. While I do know a lot of people who have actually met on match, people do actually meet up the old fashioned way, and that usually means being involved in things outside of your home when you don't have the kids.


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## ThreeStrikes

Zoosk is a scam. Way too many inactive profiles, and outright fake profiles.

POF is ok, but can be a slog. It's about the same as *******. I've met a couple of gals from each site.

My best results have come from Match. I've met several compatible ladies, and I don't regret the $ I spent for it.


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## Married but Happy

There are two decent free sites, plenty of fish, and *******, but being free, there are a lot of insincere people on them. I don't know about any other free sites. The only pay site I liked was match. I met all of my best dates on match, and my wife found me there. When you have to pay for it, I think people are more focused on actually finding and meeting someone, and there are less fakes and flakes.


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## Jellybeans

I personally am not into "dating sites." But to each their own.

Your other thread is about how depressed you are and how you want to go on anti-depressants. Maybe dating right now is not the best idea for you. You don't have to date just because your ex is. Everyone goes at a different pace. Plus, if you are down and out, you would not be putting your best face forward with dating.


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## COguy

Second to JB's motion that you don't date.

You're lonely and bored, you don't need a woman to fill the hole in your life unless you want to get used and abused.

Life isn't going to happen for you in your PJs cruising dating sites on the internet. You need to GO OUT and make something happen.

Find a couple activities that you always thought would be interesting but never had time for. Force yourself out of your comfort zone. The new experiences will provide a new joy for your life that you couldn't imagine.

I had so much fun after moving out that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was going to those painting classes, I took dancing classes (ballroom, folk, latin, tango), I went to Yoga, I found random meetups on the internet that looked cool, I started doing brazilian jiu-jitsu.

I couldn't imagine staying at home on the internet all the time and not being depressed. You need to get out and expand your circle, create new memories and new friends. You live in freaking NY the world is your oyster. And you don't need to be intimidated, everyone that goes to the random meetups is in a similar situation. Either they are newly divorced, or new to the city, or looking to meet new friends. Life is good man, don't let a bad situation rob you of its joy.


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## justonelife

You get what you pay for. Fork over the fee for match.com for 3 months and give it a try. If you still don't have much luck, try the old fashioned way. I met my H on match.


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## Tomara

I have tried them all. POF is a scary place for a woman. Match is a joke. Everyone (even though I have my profile set correctly) is to far away, doesn't include a picture, contacts you one time and then they are gone. It's an omen for me to work on myself. If someone comes along then maybe but right now I think I'm in need of repair lol


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> I had so much fun after moving out that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was going to those painting classes, I took dancing classes (ballroom, folk, latin, tango), I went to Yoga, I found random meetups on the internet that looked cool, I started doing brazilian jiu-jitsu.


This sounds like so much fun! :smthumbup:


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## EnjoliWoman

Meet ups are hard to find for a primary custody parent. Seems most of them are during the week and I only have alternate weekends free. Seems like there are a lot fewer options on the weekends for the groups I was interested in. 

Match was the better of the online sites I visited - POF was a bunch of sleazy guys looking for a hookup. I can weed out the match guys pretty easily. Haven't done it in a year and a half tho. I almost feel like I just need a good group of friends to hang out with and skip dating until my daughter is 18. I had hoped I would meet someone when she was young enough to have a good male role model but that isn't going to happen soon enough to really make an impact. Might as well chill for a while and just have fun.


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## Simcha

COguy said:


> Second to JB's motion that you don't date.
> 
> You're lonely and bored, you don't need a woman to fill the hole in your life unless you want to get used and abused.
> 
> Life isn't going to happen for you in your PJs cruising dating sites on the internet. You need to GO OUT and make something happen.
> 
> Find a couple activities that you always thought would be interesting but never had time for. Force yourself out of your comfort zone. The new experiences will provide a new joy for your life that you couldn't imagine.
> 
> I had so much fun after moving out that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was going to those painting classes, I took dancing classes (ballroom, folk, latin, tango), I went to Yoga, I found random meetups on the internet that looked cool, I started doing brazilian jiu-jitsu.
> 
> I couldn't imagine staying at home on the internet all the time and not being depressed. You need to get out and expand your circle, create new memories and new friends. You live in freaking NY the world is your oyster. And you don't need to be intimidated, everyone that goes to the random meetups is in a similar situation. Either they are newly divorced, or new to the city, or looking to meet new friends. Life is good man, don't let a bad situation rob you of its joy.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simcha

COguy said:


> Second to JB's motion that you don't date.
> 
> You're lonely and bored, you don't need a woman to fill the hole in your life unless you want to get used and abused.
> 
> Life isn't going to happen for you in your PJs cruising dating sites on the internet. You need to GO OUT and make something happen.
> 
> Find a couple activities that you always thought would be interesting but never had time for. Force yourself out of your comfort zone. The new experiences will provide a new joy for your life that you couldn't imagine.
> 
> I had so much fun after moving out that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was going to those painting classes, I took dancing classes (ballroom, folk, latin, tango), I went to Yoga, I found random meetups on the internet that looked cool, I started doing brazilian jiu-jitsu.
> 
> I couldn't imagine staying at home on the internet all the time and not being depressed. You need to get out and expand your circle, create new memories and new friends. You live in freaking NY the world is your oyster. And you don't need to be intimidated, everyone that goes to the random meetups is in a similar situation. Either they are newly divorced, or new to the city, or looking to meet new friends. Life is good man, don't let a bad situation rob you of its joy.


I don't want to make excuses but the set of circumstances surrounding my divorce have compounded my situation and its made it a perfect storm of adversity. I lost my job as a result of the divorce, I was working for her uncle. I have not been able to find a suitable job in over one year. I am driving around in a 15 year old truck. I would like some companionship. But I also perfectly understand the possible consequences that a relationship may bring. I also don't live in NYC, I live in a small town in NY, population is 29,000.

I recognize that I need to get out, however, it's challenging to spend money without a steady income and its difficult to get out and meet people, driving around in a 15 year old vehicle.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

Simcha said:


> I don't want to make excuses but the set of circumstances surrounding my divorce have compounded my situation and its made it a perfect storm of adversity. I lost my job as a result of the divorce, I was working for her uncle. I have not been able to find a suitable job in over one year. I am driving around in a 15 year old truck. I would like some companionship. But I also perfectly understand the possible consequences that a relationship may bring. I also don't live in NYC, I live in a small town in NY, population is 29,000.
> 
> I recognize that I need to get out, however, it's challenging to spend money without a steady income and its difficult to get out and meet people, driving around in a 15 year old vehicle.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't have to spend money to "get out". You don't need to impress people with your car.

Trust me when I tell you the last thing you need is a relationship built on the foundation of your current loneliness.

Get your sh*t straightened out first. And stop making excuses for yourself. You're not doing yourself any favors but adopting the "woe is me" attitude. Control the things you can control, and don't apologize or make excuses for the things you can't.


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## EnjoliWoman

Simcha -

I can tell you that I care if his vehicle is CLEAN and in good working order more than what it looks like. 

Go to the park for a stroll. Join in a pick-up game of basketball or walk a fitness trail. Strike up conversations with dog owners about their dog. 

Opportunities for volunteering are always great. You meet people and are reminded there are ALWAYS people who have it worse than you. It feels the hours and will do wonders for how you feel about yourself. Personally I like Habitat for Humanity. I have mean sheet rock skillz!


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## hereinthemidwest

I been on some.

$ Singlesnet...JOKE. Most men who have no jobs, little money and going no where. 

$$ Chemisty.com found that most the guys that said HI was generated from the site and are not active. (scam somewhat)

$$$ Eharmony if you want travel to another state. Based on personality. 

P.O.F. free and men looking for hookups. If you decide to meet for coffee you'll learn why they are single. least most of them. WOW

NOW on Christian Mingle cost $$$ guys are way too over the top for this women. Guy told me I had to be equally yolked. I told him chances of him not being good enough for me was greater. thou i made lots of pen pals. 

I did meet a guy at a local bar and dated a short time. He ended up being a drunk but worked daily. LOLOLOL I left him where I picked him up at.  

I do think it's getting out in the REAL WORLD. Just recently I took a part-time job at a local lumber store 3 evening aweek. For this same situation. 

Ask around see what sites people join in your area mostly. BE careful. If they tell you in there email I can see our names carved into a tree...RUN!


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## death and taxes

I had decent success with Match. It takes a lot of work, though. Lots of no response, which seems to be typical of online dating in general. But I managed some dates and even a girlfriend for a few months. Went back on Match after said girlfriend but then stopped after meeting a lady through a mutual friend and we fell gaga over each other. Funny how that works.


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## Hardtohandle

Simcha, 

I get your issue but you're not ready.. You need therapy.. 

I get the whole pill thing, but try not to if you can help it.. I think going through the heartache and pain is what makes you the new person you are or will be..

You need a job. Again easily said then done, but you might have to move to get that job.. You might have to be a summer dad for now.. But until they remove poverty and give everyone a free home you will have to work in this society.. 

Trust me I have kids.. But if things didn't turn out the way they did. I would have had to sell my home, retire and move to another state to survive.. It was something I just accepted.. I didn't do this, she did.. 

There will come a time where you will have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on and fix yourself up.. Again I know I have been in your shoes.. Together with my Ex 19 years.. 14 years married, 2 boys 8 and 13.. January I didn't want to live.. Today I'm dating a woman 11 years younger then my 49 year old ex wife.. I'm 46 btw..

As far as profiles on POF. I went through several iterations before having what I have.. My profile is as serious as a heart attack. Nutshell I'm a full time dad and don't have time to waste with your bullsh1t.. 

You need current pics with these sites as well and you have to realize that woman are just as bad as men.. I have woman ask me for my number and never called.. Nutshell 20 strangers have my number now.. 

Use the meet me option, this will tag you as looking at their profiles. They will then look at yours.. But it takes probably 20 messages sent to get back one.. And even then you can talk to them for days online but once you give them the number it goes dead.. Even when they ask for it.. Again I don't get it.. It must be the thrill of the chase for them as well.. Who knows..

But don't try to put a square peg in a round hole.


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## Freak On a Leash

I understand why people utilize online dating services but it's def not for me. The whole thing with contacting strangers, setting a meeting up, taking the time write out a description and basically "sell" myself, shopping around for someone who may interest me, then texting them or making phone calls, etc..Not my bag. I won't even attempt it. 

I'd rather just meet people the old fashioned way. Go out and socialize (Meetup.com is great for this), get to know them and decide if I want to take the time to actually "date" them and take it from there. 

It helps that I have a lot of hobbies and a busy life and don't get lonely. I actually like being alone so finding someone to spend time with isn't a priority at all. In fact, the way my life is going it's more of a nuisance then anything else to try and fit someone into my life on a regular basis. 

Yeah, I'm weird.  :rofl:


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## Forever Changed

Well I just re-joined Zoosk last night. 

And I'm *lapping up the attention!!!*

And I think I have trained myself that well, that I can just about see Red Flags from their profile pictures.

I did see this girl on there and all my 'training' went out the window. Have to be *extremely* careful with that. Because as we all know, _everything we have learnt can go out the window in one second._


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## COguy

Forever Changed said:


> Well I just re-joined Zoosk last night.
> 
> And I'm *lapping up the attention!!!*
> 
> And I think I have trained myself that well, that I can just about see Red Flags from their profile pictures.
> 
> I did see this girl on there and all my 'training' went out the window. Have to be *extremely* careful with that. Because as we all know, _everything we have learnt can go out the window in one second._


I know what you mean. Even when my psycho radar is on full alert, I can see a certain girl walk by and all of it would go right out the window.


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## whitehawk

Forever Changed said:


> Well I just re-joined Zoosk last night.
> 
> And I'm *lapping up the attention!!!*
> 
> And I think I have trained myself that well, that I can just about see Red Flags from their profile pictures.
> 
> I did see this girl on there and all my 'training' went out the window. Have to be *extremely* careful with that. Because as we all know, _everything we have learnt can go out the window in one second._



So you are getting attention then ?
l've been having a little dabble just here and there on and off a few mths now, nothin.
Oh actually no there was one or two . One did get to a date but l accidentally actually saw her before the date and canceled because l swear , she was 15yrs older than the pic.
Another one seemed like a real ife perfect match but l decided against it , that sort of thing was just too soon at the time .
Apart from that , that usual mysterious never hear from them again suddenly thing, even though things actually seemed really good previously .
But l've hardly had a thing really let alone attention . Yet the strange thing is l get plenty if l go out or with girls l've known , not sure what the damn secret is with this online stuff though.

Anyway , l don't like it much at all to be honest. You do feel like you have to sell yourself and all the bs involved. for me it's a fkg surreal way of doing what's suppose to be a very natural thing.
know some have done really well but l'm thinking you have to be built for the internet crap to get it on in them.

l actually want to break free of the internet myself and get out there and taste the real world again on all things life . So l think l'll be leaving the sites up to those they seem to work for from here.


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## RandomDude

How the heck is meetup.com not mentioned?!


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## 2galsmom

There are PLENTY of people on this site and around the world that not only lost a spouse with a divorce but a job and their finances. Find a job first. Before you date Simcha you need to work on yourself, you have been blessed in not finding a date. In your current mindset you may find yourself not making the best choices with dating or end up with a clinger who turns out to be a psycho.

Being out of your native environment and placed in one your ex chose and has more connections sucks. Be brave, be confident and go out and forge your own community. 

Exercice, eat better and go and do something that does not cost money but gets your mind off your issues like volunteer.

I went to a divorce ministry at a church, it had people from mixed and different faiths, and they specifically said to stay away from online dating. I am glad the online sites helped some people but I can tell, it would make my situation so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. Is there a temple you can go to find singles groups? Even if you are having trouble with G-d they have meet ups and activities where just the interaction with other people will help your biochemistry and get you on the path to health.

Both devils are to be avoided, the one you know and the one you don't know, it is the same devil.


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## Holland

I had great success with online dating but being in a prized bracket made it easy, mid 40's, attractive woman with her life together. I could not keep up with the contacts I got and was able to pick and choose.

Went on heaps of dates, met some great men, ended up with a FWB which was a blast and then eventually met Mr H who is my life and my love now.

But I did not even think about dating until 12 months post separation and had started to put my life back together. You have to be at least half way healed and over the end of the marriage before getting back out there IMHO or you will only make things worse for yourself.

I don't need to be with someone, I was very happy and content when single so had a great attitude when I eventually got back into the dating world.

Give it time and only get back in when you have the right frame of mind about it all. Online dating requires a thick skin but can be a really fantastic experience. Good luck.


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