# Stop me!



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Stop me from wanting to run to him...from wanting to contact him and tell him...'you don't have to do this'...from me telling him 'i don't want to file'... "i'm not going to file"... 
'come home'... 'talk to me'... 'don't do this'... 

Stop me from doing this... I hear him here at work...see him...he's acting so ....happy...joy joy...one more shift...after tomorrow night he's gone on a different team...this is killing me... it is... 

I want to go to him...'fix this'... I do and I don't!!! I want to love on him...and touch him!!! I'm hurting so bad right now...after training> (work trainning..on shift now working) tonight...I went into the bathroom and cried and threw up..dry heaved... mostly because 'he still is controlling me'...and because of how I feel about him... I hate this physical illness i'm going through...these shakes and puking...wtf!!! I'm tired...I just want to sleep~! 

Good lawd people...this is so pathetic...I'm even laughing at the rediculousness of it all...I think the lonely christmas...no people no gifts...just a dark room...was too much. No closure no communication...nothing...just..burned...dumped... tossed asside... How...do ...you ...let go??? How did you people get through this rejection?? I'm so sad... I just want to go to him...he will reject me...I know...cos he's already done so in sooo many ways...but I don't know why...that's the killer...ya ya...I'm sposed to stop trying to figure out 'why'.. I guess I'm so PISSED OFF because of how good I was to him that I want closure! 
But i'm not going to get it... I"m sposed to be just 'burned'... and move on... that's it?!! Just burned...and 'get over it'...move on..move forward..blah blah blah... glad things are so ****ing easy with him living at this parents banking his paychecks spending money...while i struggle with my fkd up emotions and finances...ya..cos I deserved this??? No way did I deserve this!!! I needed to vent... i need to vent... I need to scream...I want to go to him..shake him! Make him see...wtf are you doing?!! How can you do this to me?! I was good to you!! 
WTF...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok girl get a grip!!! You cannot do this because you know that the results will be disasterous.

You are working tonight right?


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You need a punching bag with his face on it is what you need. 

Dont let him win.....


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I feel so bad for you Stella. I know the pain. I wanted to call my wife so bad over the holidays. She is gone. I don't know where she lives and she blocked my cell phone when she split. Everyone on this board has helped me so much to understand she checked out. I do try to contact her at work (2 weeks ago, she was just cold). 

Reality is H is gone emotionally. We both need to come to the realization that what we had is gone. I know you and I probably like the idea of forever, but sometimes it isn't with the person you are with. 

I know the unknown is scary. That's where I am at right now. I am sitting at home alone with my dog and cat. It's 8:40 pm. I hate this. But I know in my heart my wife isn't giving me a second thought. 

It is what it is. Someday hopefully soon the pain will go away. I know it will eventually. I know I dwell, which isn't healthy either emotionally or physically. 

I hope someday I can love again. But like everyone says, I have to worry about me.... once I am in a good place I know someone will cross my path that can give me the effection I desire and I will be able to return that to her.

Hang in there girl.


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I wish that you could see your value and self worth, it is like you are letting him take everything you got.... IF you dont stand up for youself who will.... You can do this... It may be the hardest thing you will every have to do but once you get to the other side it will be worth it...


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Stella-

Did you happen to have a chance to look at any info on the grieving process by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? The divorce process has been likened to dealing with death - sadness, denial, anger, acceptance.

And yes the feeling of rejection hurts deeply as it goes to the core of (my) deepest insecurities. 

Yes it sucks to still work with your H and I can relate as I still live with my STBXW. The wanting to just shake sense into them or yell "WTF?" (which I did originally), the wanting the physical connection back, all of it - it's especially difficult to let go when they are RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

It does get better. I'm not sure if you answered this but are you seeing an IC?


----------



## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I want to do the exact same thing with my wife. Or at least I wanted to. Xmas was especially hard, with the kids and the presents and the having to explain to the rest of the family where my wife was. It's tough. 
I'm glad you have TAM to at least vent, where you know you will receive feedback. 
The only thing that stops me from trying to still mend things with my wife, is all of the stories that I have spent countless hours reading here for the last 2 months....(that and she's spending new years with a new guy she met) The whole affair thing gives me some closure.
Find your closure friend. You need some solace in this time of distress. Keep trying new things until something fills that void for you.


----------



## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I understand everything you're going through Stella as I am going through it all, every last bit of your post and I'm sorry you are going through it to.

It is tough and it's so hard, we know what we want, but we cannot have it, we cannot control it, and we cannot force it.

The waiting, the not knowing is what breaks me down. It's much easier said than done when told to forget and move on. Life can just be taken one day at a time. 

Things will get better and whether your H realizes what he is losing or not. By your post I am about positive he will never find the love that you have for him, and statistically speaking the odds are against him and he never will.

Be strong, hang in there, and let time heal all your wounds.
You can forget about people but not the memories they brought into your life, but you can make new memories to out weigh your current ones.


----------



## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

I understand also. and don't do it. I have and it ended up making me feel worse and not accomplishing anything...if anything it probably made it worse.


Don't degrade yourself, he isn't worth begging...and really, noone is.

Right now he isn't someone who is worth having you...act like it. You are a beautiful and wonderful person, and I can tell that for the simple fact that you are here.

Keep on keepin' on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife broke before me twice during this whole ordeal. I've lost alot of respect for her. She's earning it back however by proving to me that she is indeed sincere and does want us to work and that we can do this, if she didn't I would have done nothing but pity her.

Respect is unfortunately not something people can freely give, one can be decent and respectable but that's not the same thing. Respect is something else, something you earn or lose. My wife regrets it now really having surrendered, and feels ashamed for it, and I told her that I feel ashamed for driving her to those points. Please, the white flag is not good at all. If anything I wish I never saw her like that.

My wife at least, did not break down for no good reason, I'll give her that, the first time she used the D word on me and broke down for damage control it seems. The second time she couldn't let me go because after I told her that I too didn't really want us to end it if there is a chance, she saw a chance however and did everything to convince me to give it the last straw for the sake of closure.

Still, she shouldn't have done that, she could have done it calmly and I would have maintained my respect for her and she wouldn't have to earn it back. Please don't make the same mistake as my wife. She's lucky that deep down inside I may still love her, I don't know your story but it's just much too risk not to mention -> You WILL, I repeat WILL lose his respect whether he gives a sh-t or not if you break down on him.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I didn't go to him. I never had his respect anyway. He walked out on me all the time...over any little thing...big or small...pack a bag...run to his parents...I had to go get him and ask for him to come home ever single time. He never came home once on his own. Not once. Ever. That's part of my story. He was a runner of responsibility. Never saying sorry for his part etc..blah blah...
But no...I didn't go to him...or contact him. Nothing. It was a weak moment...I've been having those. My last contact with him via text I had told him I won't be his 'plan b'...nor would I be waiting for him...I also reminded him he never came home once on his own after all the running away. This was weeks ago when he and I were still at
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Least texting about bills and him wanting the rest of his stuff and wanting the divorce etc...so I did have those last few words for clarity...the next few texts after that again were about him cutting me off financially...then he did cut me off...then he never heard from me again. 
We've seen eachother at work..after tonight he's on another shift...he will be gone. Perhaps only seen on occasion during an occasional shift change...maybe. little to none. 
Ya I know you guys say that will be good. But what it is is a shock to my system and a reminder of another separation to slap me with. 
Anyway...the above were my last 'emotional' words (via text) to him...I never went back on them nor did I attempt a reconcilliation or the like. 
I still have my integrity in place. At least at the forefront.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

So random dude..I've 'broken down' on him sooooo many times before...the crying and the begging the pleading...the fixing...I know going to him now would be pathetic and wrong. As I said...he's never come to me. It was almost a routine if u will...it was sad. 
As much as I'm hurting...and my insides are twisted...my head is confused and my heart is broken...I know...I know its a futile worthless attempt...and at least my last emotional words to him is that 'i' was 'done'. And I told him to take the wedding ring off...(he was only wearing it at work anyway)...I told him "take your wedding ring off...why wear it at work? Your not fooling anybody..be who you are when you walk into 'all' doors (meaning not just the bars)...
So yea...I also let him know 'i' was done too and have not renigged on it. I don't want to break that. I don't want to fall off the wagon. This is hard for me...tryin not to reach for my co dependant crack. So far so good really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

If I didn't have you people...id be insane...lol! X0x0xx0x0
_Posted via Mobile Device_

btw...I don't mean to be a story repeater...lol...I give my bits and pieces for those of you who may be reading and may not know where I'm coming from...or remember my story...gosh I read so much..if people don't recap..I can't keep stories straight myself...lol.  so please know it's not to just be redundant.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm glad that you see that now - I was hoping you were just venting too with your OP lol

For me the breaking down I found tempting at times too especially during the early stages of seperation and that's when I find myself home alone, walking down the corridors with nothing but memories which hurts, and then going "what if I just give in, I shouldn't be hurting her anymore, sure I would be going back to all the dramas and fights and abuse but it's so familiar..."

But then I slap myself in the face, have a shower, spit out those thoughts, vomit, put on my speakers, blast the whole house with music and yell out "WTF? F--K... THAT... SH-T!!! NO FKING WAY!!!" lol
Guess everyone has their ways to cope. Mine is in annoying my neighbours


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ahh stell , fk this [email protected] is rough , l know/
in one little way i'm lucky because although l'm asking and trying to figure out where she's at here , l don't wanna even hint at it with her,
i'm not sure why , l think it's not wanting to risk giving her that just to maybe get knocked down again and after everything i've been through because of what she's done.

spoke to a counceler tonight and one of the first things he asked is how is she feeling now,
how the fk would i know l haven't asked her.
he thought that was stoopid and i should ask her. i don;t get that but i'm fg not gonna l do know that much.

i reckon that happy face is bs with him stell , i reckon it's bs with most of them
i reckon they've done such a huge thing and realize everyone will be checking them out so it's a front. saying look at me don't worry about it i'm fine.
my wife actually admitted that to me and said she'd lost 6 kg from the stress of it all in reality though /
and she has to so maybe it's true.

don't give it to him though stell , especially after the other times. if it's gonna get back from here it has to come from him so that he he has more respect for it next brain fart.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I'm glad that you see that now - I was hoping you were just venting too with your OP lol
> 
> For me the breaking down I found tempting at times too especially during the early stages of seperation and that's when I find myself home alone, walking down the corridors with nothing but memories which hurts, and then going "what if I just give in, I shouldn't be hurting her anymore, sure I would be going back to all the dramas and fights and abuse but it's so familiar..."
> 
> ...


totally busted out laughing.. 


yea...that 'urge' gets so overwhelming...and he was just within arms length yanno...at work here...wtf...

worst thing i could do...worst thing ever...is break the length of time i've gone NC...and having told him 'i' was done...etc etc...and that 'i' wasn't waiting nor his plan b etc...then go back to going after him...

as sick in the head and heart as i've been feeling lately...i'm not going to do it. he'd just reject me anyway...he's obviously 'content' with his decisions...I don't know how or why...I don't... many others don't either but :scratchhead:

but...it doesn't matter. I have 'no idea' if a guy like that wakes up one day and sees the light...no idea...I see some stories on here where some spouses who leave do...but this guy...sht...he seems so far gone...almost like he 'has' to make himself gone to prove some kind of point...it's weird...cos he like went all out short of filing. But filing takes work and thought...and 'he' doesn't do that type of stuff...it's tedious..and 'he' doesn't do 'tedious'... he's lazy like that...stuff like that was all left up to me. lol. Ironic huh..how fing convienient. 

Oh well...I'm going ahead with my plans...to file...I just need to make sure i use the right atty.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> ahh stell , fk this [email protected] is rough , l know/
> in one little way i'm lucky because although l'm asking and trying to figure out where she's at here , l don't wanna even hint at it with her,
> i'm not sure why , l think it's not wanting to risk giving her that just to maybe get knocked down again and after everything i've been through because of what she's done.
> 
> ...




You know I've thought about that it's a front thing...it's out there/here at work and all he's cut me financially..its out there that he's been abusive now too...and his parents have taken him in 'every single time' he's run to them...so he's dug his hole and he must keep digging it to save face? Must keep going on this? With avengence? So...he leaves his working team to go to another...cuts me financially...etc... I do think about this. It doesn't change anything I realize this but nothing like doing things to 'make a point'...geez. 
He is all about happy happy joy joy here at work though...even if i'm nowhere around...he has no idea I'm behind a wall...he's laughing...all is well in his selfish paycheck banking living for free world...

front or no front...it is what it is... he has the choice to stop it and come to me...but choses not to nonetheless...

so served he will be...


----------



## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

It's horrible but you will get through this. Take one breath at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. Don't isolate yourself, you will torment yourself.

Go out, breathe the air. Feel the wind, go somewhere scenic. Look at nature. This pain has been felt by people before us and will be felt by people after us.

The sun will still shine tomorrow. You can he happy again, you are smart and independent. You can take the shackles off your own feet yourself, and dance.

From your posts, running to him will only benefit his ego. Be free and shine. Hold off on any firm decisions until you feel stronger.


----------



## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Sorry Stella-I am feeling the same way. I did 'break' this am and called my WAW on her way to work. It went well enough I reckon but I know it just delays my healing. I know that it is over but the frustration that it didn't have to be will gnaw my heart forever I reckon. God if I could just stand up and throw off the hurt, self pity, despair, and helplessness. My logical mind knows that I have to do it but my emotional mind makes it so difficult. It is so easy to read others' stories and see their proper course- why is it so difficult for me to recognize and accept mine?


----------



## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

TNman said:


> I know that it is over but the frustration that it didn't have to be will gnaw my heart forever I reckon. God if I could just stand up and throw off the hurt, self pity, despair, and helplessness. My logical mind knows that I have to do it but my emotional mind makes it so difficult. It is so easy to read others' stories and see their proper course- why is it so difficult for me to recognize and accept mine?


Wow. Well said.


----------



## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I agree


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Self worth Stella.

It goes back to the very first day you started your original thread.

Has absolutely nothing to do with your ex.

Everything to do with you and your lack of love for yourself.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Self worth Stella.
> 
> It goes back to the very first day you started your original thread.
> 
> ...


xoxo


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Don't do it Stella! It will just be more pain for you to absorb.


----------

