# Sexually rejected on honeymoon and first month of marriage



## cascade (Feb 24, 2010)

My husband and I got married one month ago. We had been together for 7 years and always had a pretty active sex life. He wanted sex all the time and so did I. It was great. He still says to this day that he thinks I am a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. However, about a month before we got married I noticed we were only having sex once a week and only at my inititation. On our honeymoon he didnt make any moves, so I inititiated sex every day. Then one night he couldnt get it up, and I was totally aghast as it had never happened before. He said it was due to having drunk too much alcohol that day. My feelings were very hurt. Since we've been home he has initiated sex once a week. I decided not to initiate it for a while just to see how much he would want to do it on his own. Unfortunately, I feel totally sexually rejected. it would be different if we were in our 50's but we are 33! Also, the other day I saw he has been looking at porn on the computer. That enraged me because he was looking at it on the days he showed zero interest in me. I am totally angry, disappointed, hurt, devastated, you name it. I confronted him on the porn and he said that was the only time he looked at it, just because he was off work and bored. I dont believe him! I dont know what to do. He often drinks close to 6 pack of beer a night and I am wondering if that is killing his libido. I am so confused. I am an attractive woman in decent shape. I have a complex now that I'm not a porn star so he doesnt want me.... even though he says that he is attracted to me. He just keeps repeating that he doesnt know why his libido has tanked but that if I keep bringing it up I am going to make him impotent. Help!!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's the booze.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I hadnt been with my H very long before we started having sex issues. i know how you feel. i was rejected on such a personal level that i dont know if i'll ever be able to be sexually receptive to my H again. I found out my H had been looking at porn. i really cant express how hurt i was, and still am. 

But it wasnt even the porn as much as it was the lying and the rejection of me. I knew he looked at porn when we first started dating. I had no problem with it because sex was good in the beginning. Its the lying and rejection that is the real issue. I cant really tell you how to recover from that, since im still trying to myself. 

As far as your H's drinking goes, do you feel he's an alcoholic? There is a good peer support group of family and friends of alcoholics called Alanon. The groups are free and you can check on their website to see if there is one in your area. I went to a few sessions myself and found it very helpful.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Drinking 6 alcoholic drinks in one night is considered binge drinking, and doing this every day is considered alcohol abuse. It could definitley be part of the problem, and it is also extremely harmful to him physically.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'd agree with other posters who think the alcohol has something to do with this. Is he drinking more than he used to? 6 beers a day is probably not healthy at all. Alcohol can absolutely impede sexual performance, so his failure to get it up could very well have been due to the booze. 

I think you have to recognize that the porn doesn't have anything to do with you. That doesn't mean you have to accept it, condone it, like it, support it, or anything like that, but here's a fact: a LOT of men look at porn, and most of them will tell you that it has nothing to do with their satisfaction with their mates. I know it can feel like a serious rejection, but remember that YOU are interpreting it that way. This is not to say that your feelings aren't valid - you're having them, they're real, and you're not wrong to feel the way you do. It's just that indulging those feelings for a long time may not help you, especially as you talk about it with your husband. 

In the end, you guys really need to talk. I would recommend talking about your sex life SEPARATELY from the porn (I know that sounds weird and hard to do, but I think you can) AND separately from the alcohol too. The more you can create a safe space in that conversation for both you and him to open up, the more likely you are to be successful. Creating that safe space is pretty tough to do when you are hurt and angry about feeling rejected when you know he's using porn. That's why I say that I think it's wise to discuss these things separately.

I wish you luck.


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## cascade (Feb 24, 2010)

Mal74 said:


> I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'd agree with other posters who think the alcohol has something to do with this. Is he drinking more than he used to? 6 beers a day is probably not healthy at all. Alcohol can absolutely impede sexual performance, so his failure to get it up could very well have been due to the booze.
> 
> I think you have to recognize that the porn doesn't have anything to do with you. That doesn't mean you have to accept it, condone it, like it, support it, or anything like that, but here's a fact: a LOT of men look at porn, and most of them will tell you that it has nothing to do with their satisfaction with their mates. I know it can feel like a serious rejection, but remember that YOU are interpreting it that way. This is not to say that your feelings aren't valid - you're having them, they're real, and you're not wrong to feel the way you do. It's just that indulging those feelings for a long time may not help you, especially as you talk about it with your husband.
> 
> ...


Mal74,
Actually, I don't have a problem with him looking at porn, if he was doing me too. The problem is that if he's NOT doing me, it pisses me off that he is looking at porn. Before I knew that, I just thought his libido had dropped. Once I realized he was still getting himself off every day without me, all the while KNOWING that I was totally hurt that he didnt want to have sex with me but once a week, then I was upset about the porn. But if we were having sex 3 times a week, I wouldnt care if he looked at porn too.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'll tell you - if I had a nickel for every time here that I hear when a ring comes on, the sex goes off. . .it really makes a case against marriage in this regard.

It's almost as if the one partner is "trapping" the other partner with wedding vows.


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## TheFrustratedOne (Feb 24, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I'll tell you - if I had a nickel for every time here that I hear when a ring comes on, the sex goes off. . .it really makes a case against marriage in this regard.
> 
> It's almost as if the one partner is "trapping" the other partner with wedding vows.


One thing I've not "heard" anyone mention that I think I've seriously learned is this...maybe there is more validity than I/we thought to the notion of waiting for marriage to have sex. I see (including in my own situation) that people always say, we've been dating for X years and the sex was always great, then we got married and after X period of time the sex dropped off, she rejected me/he started looking at porn.

I think had I to do it over again, I would not have had sex with my wife until we were married.


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