# Letting go



## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

I'm going to leave a lot of details out of this for the sake of keeping it fairly brief.

I'm 24, and my wife just turned 20. We've been together 3 years, and married for 1. Most of our relationship has been great. I've always felt so lucky to be with such a wonderful, beautiful girl. I really thought we were meant to be, and would be together forever. 

These past 2 months, we've gone through a rough patch for reasons outside of our control. Things had happened in my life that put me in a strange, depressed state, and I wasn't treating her as well as I'd used to. We got in a huge fight 2 weeks ago because of how I was acting, and my refusal to see it. Eventually, she yelled "I want a divorce" and it hit me like a bus. I never thought I'd ever hear that from her, and I lost it. 

We've since separated, and I've spent every waking moment trying to figure out how to fix things. I realized how I'd been acting, apologized, promised to change, sought help.. basically everything I could to show that she meant everything to me, and I'd do anything to work this out. All she could tell me was she wanted space. At first, I didn't want to give that to her, but I eventually realized that I was only making things worse by pushing the issue.

I was becoming increasingly paranoid because she had been spending a lot of time talking to, and hanging out with another man whom I knew to be a sexual predator who preys on vulnerable girls in shaky relationships. Eventually, I discovered pictures on her computer that confirmed that she has at least been having an emotional affair with him. There's no real evidence of a physical affair, but it would be naive to assume otherwise.

Edit: I think I should be very clear about my evidence, because I want to know if I'm right in my assumptions. On her recent pictures, there were pictures of herself in lingerie (that she never showed me), pictures of the guy's daughters, screenshots of text messages (Note that I can't be sure who these messages are between, but their content suggests it's them) where he is saying things like "I'm madly in love with you" and "You've fulfilled a missing piece of my heart, you make me so happy. You, my girls and out future children are all I need in this world to be happy." Lastly, there are pictures of a "bite mark" on her chest that she claimed to have come from one of the kids she babysits.

Along with this, many other things have come to light that suggest that she may be a pathological liar. She's told me many things throughout our relationship that I thought to be strange, but I've never truly questioned because I couldn't see why she'd lie. I've spent a lot of time talking to her father about this, and he recently told me about her mother (she's been out of the picture for many years), and how he experienced nearly the exact same dishonesty and disloyalty with her, and my wife may have some sort of hereditary mental illness.

I began thinking that I might try to work through this. Maybe if this is something that could be helped, as her husband, it may be my duty to try and help her... but I've been unable to decide whether things are too far gone. I still love her very much, but she's throwing her entire world away (and I mean it, her whole future is based around me) for a disgusting, 30 year old creep with 2 daughters, works at dominoes, lives with his parents and has absolutely no future. We were set up for an amazing life together. I would have given her EVERYTHING, all I wanted was her love, loyalty, and honesty.

For about two weeks, she's been doing what I've heard to be called "cake eating." When I ask her if she still loves me, whether she wants to try to make this work, whether she wants to come to marriage counseling, etc, all I get is "I don't know." From what I understand, she's doing this to keep her options open, so if she doesn't like the way her affair is going, she can fall back on me.

Due to certain circumstances, I've been unable to confront her about this. I've also had no idea how to go about it. A huge part of me hopes this can work out, but I know in the back of my mind that if I have any self-respect, I need to get out. I'm going to end up being the one to say "I love you, but I just can't be with you." I just don't think I can ever trust her after this.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're young, you married way too young, and have no children.(I believe)
Divorce and never look back. 

Why be a fixer? Why be someone's crutch for their life? 

Leave the toxic relationship, you're young and can find plenty of women.

Among them you'll find a great woman and will be in a completely wholesome relationship, and you won't have to worry about lies or cheating and have a happy life. 

If you just married go for annulment.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have to file for divorce and have her served. That is the only thing that will snap her back to reality. But you also have to be prepared for her to say "Great - lets do it".

Either way you will know where she truly is.

You do not owe her anything. Your duty as her husband was cancelled when you were replaced by another man.

You are young and so is she. This would appear to be part of her character as it was her mother's. To run when things get tough. If she can do it once this early in your marriage, she will do it again.

Divorce is the best option.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

I agree with both of you, I just needed to hear it from someone else. I appreciate the advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You hace two choices, to allow her cake eating ir to get a chance (even if just to be able to decide). If you want that chance you need to go hard line here. Shock'n'awe.

File for divorce, confront her the day you serve her telling her you "know" anf she can stop the divorce for now if she agrees to all your demands at that very moment:
NC
Complete transparence,
Coming clean
IC, MC


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ I don't think so.

Cheating within one year of marriage?

Instant divorce. Those are the easy times. No huge bills, no crying babies or children to take care off, no seven year itch. 

To cheat in the honeymoon phase of marriage when everything is all dopamine love and tenderness is a huge BLACK flag. 

Get out as fast as possible and don't look back. 

That she would be sending near naked pictures of herself and sexually flirting with others so early on in marriage? She'd definitely do it again in the future. 

Shes also riddled with issues, no need for him to be the only mature adult in the marriage. 

Sounds harsh, but it is what it is.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

You're right, Kasler.

I didn't mention this earlier, but she was seen sitting on the other guy's bed with him in the room, and the door closed. As far as I'm concerned, she cheated on me the moment she walked in there. Nothing may have happened, but it's a compromising position, and completely unacceptable. I just need to accept that these actions are a part of her character that is coming to light, and we rushed into marriage.

I plan on telling her that I'm done tomorrow. I don't intend to tell her about the evidence I found on her computer, because that'll anger her, and she's very spiteful. I'm a week away from shipping off to Army BCT, and if she decides to freak out and call the police on me for some bogus reason (which she would), the Army would drop me. I'm just going to tell her that she cheated on me when she walked into his bedroom, and that's unforgivable.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is the OM? Why did you call him sexual [predator ?


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Who is the OM? Why did you call him sexual [predator ?


He's my friend's brother. Let's call him A, and my friend P.

P told me that A was, at one point, having sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 26. A was also heavily involved with a breakup between P and his recent girlfriend. A saw that their relationship was weak, so he befriended L (P's girlfriend) and forced them apart. A then tried to sleep with L, but failed, then turned his sights on my wife and did the same thing. He befriended her, then forced us apart, and apparently succeeded this time. 

I have no idea HOW he gets in girls' heads. He's ugly as sin, overweight, extremely stupid, mentally unstable... not relationship material at all. I can't wrap my head around what attracts girls to him.

It doesn't matter, honestly. If it wasn't him, it would be someone else, I'm sure.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He just know the game. That's all.
I missed the part you don't have kids.
Run, Forrest, run. And don't look back.
Let him have her.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

Nope, no kids. 

I guess I should be glad this happened before we had property, kids, etc.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Damn straight. Its a complete mess with 10+ years of marriage(expect a big chunk of alimony) and 3 kids later.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

kyotoinbloom said:


> Nope, no kids.
> 
> I guess I should be glad this happened before we had property, kids, etc.


You dodged a bullet. Just be grateful to OM (yes,grateful).

He did you a service (and her too I guess).

Now you know what she's like and won't waste time(more precious than money) on a lost cause.

Now you have learned something, I hope, and next time around will find a better woman to spend your life with.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

It just sucks finding all of this out so suddenly, and a week before leaving for Army BCT. I enlisted under the pretense that I'd have my wife for support, and I'd be receiving married benefits.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

kyotoinbloom said:


> Nope, no kids.
> 
> I guess I should be glad this happened before we had property, kids, etc.


send him a mail saying thanks.
You are really lucky to find her true colour so early in the marriage.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

kyotoinbloom said:


> It just sucks finding all of this out so suddenly, and a week before leaving for Army BCT. I enlisted under the pretense that I'd have my wife for support, and I'd be receiving married benefits.


Thats really rough. 

Still its infinitely better to the prospect of possibly raising her OM's child as your own though.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Thats really rough.
> 
> Still its infinitely better to the prospect of possibly raising her OM's child as your own though.


Indeed, but she can't get pregnant, so that wouldn't happen anyway :scratchhead:


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Talk about another nail in the coffin. 

A liar, a cheater, immature, issues, and no kids?

Wow.


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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

I knew she couldn't have kids well before I married her. At least that much isn't her fault.


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