# Am I Being a Poor Dad



## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

I wont go too long here (skip to the last Paragraph if you want it quick), but my wife has had a TON of medical problems in the last 3-4 years (been married for 7.5) and between that and a few underlying things our relationship has fallen apart over the last year or two.

Just in the past few weeks have we been putting things back together, and it's slow going. This 3-4 year time has been really tough on our kids. Our oldest and youngest have fared well (7, and 2) but my middle son (5) is very emotional (in both good and bad ways) and really reacts to the vibes of the house.

I want to start providing more for our kids (camps, more family time etc), right now they don't do sports or anything, but we just moved to a great neighborhood and they spend most of their time playing outside with friends.

The base in my Marriage is fragile right now, and my thought process is spend the next few weeks and months earnestly working with my wife, and then pour the love on the kids.

My wife just started wellbutrin for depression and I am working on anger and addiction issues. She has much more patience with the kids on the wellbutrin and we have gone a week without a blowout fight. I can already see they are doing better.

Is it fair to be focusing 90% on my marriage and 10% on my kids while we repair the Marriage? I know there are differing thoughts here. My line of reasoning is that if the marriage fails it will be worse than anything current for them, and if we bite off too much for the kids right now, it could stress out our fragile marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

What your doing is not wrong or unfair in any way. Your not a bad or horrid father at all so stop thinking that way. I do agree that a solid marriage is better when raising kids then one thats left to fall apart. Your doing perfectly fine imo and I think it will help stabilize things with the kids as well as between you and your wife. If they seem to feel neglected put a bit more attention on them but definately focus on things between you and your wife. THAT is most important right now imo.. based on your post.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

Thx Gaia. 

We have been through an unwanted pregnancy when we were first dating, marriage when she was 19, and I was 21. Infidelity on my part, substance abuse for both, addiction to pain meds, porn, and spending on my part. 

Went through a major medical issue with nerves in her stomach after spending an entire pregnancy hooked to an IV pole and puking 20 times a day, she lost 50 pounds. Then spent nearly 100k out of pocket on rock star surgeons from hopkins etc.

Living with her parents for 6 months during one of the surgical periods. Then over 100 abdominal and dozens of spinal injections for her pain, add in an addiction to opiods (over now) and an ongoing pot addiction for her and it all starts to get crazy. Then most recently my son was having behavioral issues and we found out he is legally blind on one eye (not being able to see makes you act out).

*Actually it feels GREAT to type all of that out*, and I am glad that we are finally starting to enjoy our company again, and even more glad that we have made it through part of this.

We finally built our dream house, great neighborhood, tons of kids, and all supportive families with both parents at home (not knocking single parents mind you, power to all of you!)

If it were not for this neighborhood and having tons of other kids to play with I think things would be much worse. So we have to count our blessings there.

Amazing how resilient kids are.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My hubby is legally blind in one eye as well but he does just fine. It's great to hear you both made it through such rough times.. and like my hubby says... the relationships not rocky... your both just sailing through the ocean of life.. which tends to have rocky waters at times  Now what you and your wife have together is what I would consider true love to look like... Love is not all happy go lucky imo... it's making it through those hard times and still remaining with that special someone...


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

There's another thread going on about where to focus ... on the marriage or the kids ... and I'll repeat what I said there.

You come first
Your marriage comes second
Your kids come third.

You can't have a healthy marriage or family if you're not healthy. You can't have a healthy family if your marriage isn't healthy.

Prioritize appropriately and try not to completely neglect anything. But sometimes you just have to say 'sorry kids, need to focus on mom today' ... they don't like it at the time, but they'll be fine.


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## sandycakes11 (May 23, 2012)

Prioritizing is the main thing to do here. 

If that was me, I would probably prioritize my marriage first then my children. I don't mind being last since I can take care of myself.

As for the children, group dinner is the answer. Having a dinewise together certainly helps them grow as individuals.

And marriage since for me, it is a holy thing. :smthumbup:


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You are setting an example for your children by showing them your marriage is a priority, they will notice that, they will notice and feed off of the two of you happier. Family time can still be encorporated into that plan and keep everyone happy while prioritizing the marriage first. Not a bad Dad at all but a GOOD Dad!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

i didnt read all the replies..but i read your post. 

NO. it is not unreasonable for you to focus 90 pc on your marriage right now...fixing your marriage is a huge benefit for your children.

so...working on your marriage..is fixing your family..which benefits your kids..SO KEEP DOING IT...


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