# I want to go but I know it will ruin me financially.



## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

I've been with my wife for close to 9 years. We got married on June 22, 2017. We have 2 children together, we have a 5 year old daughter ( born in 2013) and a 6 month old baby girl.

In May of 2015 my wife (at the time my girlfriend) cheated on me 3 times. I just found out about her infidelity on (I'll never forget the day) March 1st 2018. She didn't tell me the whole truth though. It took me another month of digging and questioning to get the full truth.

So it's been about two months now of me knowing now. At first things were so up and down, one day I'd love her and the next I would even be able to look at her. Things got a lot better, she really has been trying so hard to rebuild my trust and make our relationship more fulfilling and happy. The problem now is that ever since I found out, I have been falling more and more out of love with her. 

The last few weeks I've have felt like I have no love left for her but I kept telling her I love her and miss her and just faked my way through it. I couldn't take lying anymore, so I told her the truth and I was going to move out. Of course she was devasted and cried herself to sleep. The next morning she woke me, crying her eyes out saying she wanted to get my love for her back. After thinking about it more I agreed to work on it. It's been a few days since then and I just feel awkward around her now.

She have even tried to tell me she loves me since, which is probably smart on her end because I just don't anymore. I feel nothing for her but resentment at this point. Everytime I even start to feel any sort of good feelings toward her, I end up remembering about the cheating and all the lying and just end up sad and angry. 

I don't know where to go from here. I know if I leave I'll be financially ruined. I'm s stay at home dad for the most part and she works 50+ hours a week. I have somewhere I can stay but I know if I leave I will have a long, rough road a head of me. If I stay, I fear I will only prolong both our misery and I don't know if I'll live her trust her again.

Then there are the kids. I don't think she would take them from me because she wouldn't want to do anything to hurt them. They both love me very much, they're both daddy girls, even the 6 month old lights up whenever I'm around. My 5 year old daughter would be devasted if I want there anymore. 

Also my wife would have to move for she can't afford all the bills on her own. I still work part-time to help pay the bills. She would have to move in with her grandma. Her grandmother's son (wife's Uncle) lives with her still and he's an alcoholic P.O.S. I don't want my kids to live with him or her way too "old school" grandmother. 

What do I do? Should I stay and work on it even though I don't feel like she deserves me anymore? Or do I leave and move in with my brother and his wife until I can find a way to maintain child support and my own bills? I feel stuck here and I'm miserable.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Talk to a lawyer.

Why wouldn’t you get the kids as you seem to be the primary caregiver when she is working full-plus time?


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Talk to a lawyer.
> 
> Why wouldn’t you get the kids as you seem to be the primary caregiver when she is working full-plus time?


I can't afford one but she can.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What state/country do you live in?


I suggest you look around to see if there is some type organization that can provide free legal assistance


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> What state/country do you live in?
> 
> 
> I suggest you look around to see if there is some type organization that can provide free legal assistance


I live near to Cleveland Ohio. USA. That's not a bad idea.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

So, was she cheating when she was babysitting?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What were the details of the cheating ? How can you be sure she wouldn't do it again ? How did you find out ? How long, with who, where, what, when etc would help us understand if you have any hope at all. Sorry that you are in this situation.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Tobyboy said:


> So, was she cheating when she was babysitting?


It's weird you mention this because she started cheating on me with the father of the a kid she started babysitting.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> What were the details of the cheating ? How can you be sure she wouldn't do it again ? How did you find out ? How long, with who, where, what, when etc would help us understand if you have any hope at all. Sorry that you are in this situation.


She slept with an old friend of hers from highschool. She had since completely cut off contact with him. I suspected something was happening for the last 3 years and have made sure they were not in contact. In March I told her to either take a polygraph or I was leaving and that's when she told me she slept with him once but over the next month I found out it was 3 times total. She would tell me she was going to her friends house then go out with him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did she explain why she did it ? The usual I felt neglected or something ? Why would she not do it again if she felt neglected again ? She does need firm consequences for this and I completely get your not being able to get over this - you shouldn't! Why do you think it would ruin you financially?


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Did she explain why she did it ? The usual I felt neglected or something ? Why would she not do it again if she felt neglected again ? She does need firm consequences for this and I completely get your not being able to get over this - you shouldn't! Why do you think it would ruin you financially?


Her reasons were because she thought I resented her and our child though she never told me this until recently. At the time I was unhappy with myself because the truth was that I resented myself for not being a better provider for them. I worked in a job I hated for not much money and I was going to school part-time but I was always stressed out. I had a hard time making ends meet and was terrified of failing in school.I 

Mind she didn't work, I payed all the bills and she took care of our baby. It was that way for over 3 years. Even when she was pregnant with our second child, she worked for the first month but then was put on bed rest. I once again payed all the bills. I was working full-time plus driving for Uber on the side to make ends meet. We're still paying off the debt from that.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> > Did she explain why she did it ? The usual I felt neglected or something ? Why would she not do it again if she felt neglected again ? She does need firm consequences for this and I completely get your not being able to get over this - you shouldn't! Why do you think it would ruin you financially?
> ...


And also I will be ruined financially because the day before I found about any if this, I quit my full-time job to drive for Uber full time, so she could accept a new position at her work making much more money. She has a very odd schedule and with the kids, me having such a flexible schedule just made sense.

If I leave that will be there only income I have and I'll now than likely end up having to pay child support. She also told me before that if I leave she wouldn't help with the car payments or insurance anymore. That's about $500 a month, add gas, food, phone, and now than likely child support, I would never be able to afford to live on my own again.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

IMPORTANT

I just sent you a private message, I strongly suggest you read it right away because it is time sensitive. There is a free legal help going on today in your area.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BnB, first off, I like the Avatar, you are probably one of the few people that can figure out what mine is 

THE FINANCIAL ASPECT: I know it's a critical part of the equation but it's not the absolute determining factor. Do not make that the reason why you cannot break free from her. There are ways around that. I would recommend talking to a lawyer, the consultation. You can ask around to see if you can get a free one but most good lawyers charge from $100-$300 for the consultation and you would learn a LOT. You will basically learn what you can do and what your options are. You are not stuck, believe me. It would be tough but you would not be stuck, it can be worked out. 

That aside, this is what you have to look at brother. Like you said, you may never be able to trust her again, etc. You have to figure out if it's over and there's just no going back. If that is the case, get working on your legal options ASAP BUT, here's the but and please throw out the financial stuff as a deterrent. Just consider if you deep in your heart want to give this a try at reconciliation. If you decide that route, you frankly cannot resolve the issues internally on your own. I would look towards counseling, at least for yourself to gain more true clarity and possibly marriage counseling.

I'm sorry you are here, there's no pain quite like being betrayed by the one you trusted and loved the most but you must understand and we aren't saying this to blow smoke up your $$$. You may have thought you weren't enough this and that for her but none of that matters when it comes to the act of an affair. It is the most selfish, inconsiderate act one can do. It's cliche but Marriage is 50/50, you work through it together, the good times and the bad but Cheating is 100%, 100% on her no matter the reasons she made up in her mind.

From the sounds of it, it sounds like you guys are fairly young?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BaB,

Sorry you are going through this.

I know it's water under the bridge... but, your case is a classic example of infidelity that many Lurkers out there in similar situation should take heed from. 

Observations...

1. She admits to 3 times after lying only once. Whether it matters or not, the number of times is way more easily double digit. 

2. 8 year engagement? Regardless of children involved, No Ring with Little Bling, your GF/WW was looking for more.

3. SAHD? I know it's old school but time and time here at TAM, Stay-At-Homers dads just get cheated on more than any other cat. Google it and understand.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

As long as you're employed, never stay because of finances. Finances always recover and in the long run you'll be so happy you got out. In my line of work (divorce attorney) I've seen people's finances absolutely decimated due to the dissolution of their marriage but none of them regretted getting divorced. They all recovered because they were willing to work, and stayed employed. If you're miserable with her and don't love her anymore then get out now. It'll be a financial strain now but will be fine in the long run and you'll be much happier.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BandB,

Did you go through with the polygraph, if not I suggest you get that done? You don't want to work on recovery only to discover more lies.

Did you expose the affair to the wife or so other of the OM?

I hope your WW got tested for STDs and DNA tests for the kids. If you do divorce it might reduce your child support payment.

Why the HE** didn't she tell you before you got married, this is grounds for an annulment.

Tamat


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with the advice on staying just because of finances. I know that you may say its easy for us to say this but we have seen this many times before. It will be tough but a year from now you will look back at this and be glad that you left.

She is a liar. She is lying. It has been more than 3 times that's for sure. She is still lying to you and clearly not remorseful (not wanting to pay for car insurance etc and counter threatening you). Definitely not marriage material.

Her reason for doing it is complete bull$h!t and I think that you know that.

Is this worth it - I do not think so. In any case you don't really know what you are forgiving and reconciling for. The poly might bring closure to your wondering if there is more (which there almost certainly is) but at a high level, it will only confirm what you already know - she ain't marriage material.

Also, your kids will look up to you in future for standing up for yourself yet staying in their lives.

I wish you strength and peace while you go through this most difficult time.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Hmm, tough one (they always are thou), I would say give it a shot cause kids are so young but that's if u had any love for her, if that's gone for good and u know it, then u should separate pronto. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I've been with my wife for close to 9 years. We got married on June 22, 2017. We have 2 children together, we have a 5 year old daughter ( born in 2013) and a 6 month old baby girl.
> 
> In May of 2015 my wife (at the time my girlfriend) cheated on me 3 times. I just found out about her infidelity on (I'll never forget the day) March 1st 2018. She didn't tell me the whole truth though. It took me another month of digging and questioning to get the full truth.
> 
> ...


Sounds like the cheating was a deal breaker, which is well within your rights, and probably the most reasonable and healthy of any response you could have. So good for you in that case. Sounds like your wife is a serial cheater and will always be dangerous to your emotional well being. It's in her nature. 

As far as your kids they are your kids and you have rights, you need to talk to an attorney about that. It will be painful for them but as long as you remain active in their lives you can still co-parent and raise healthy kids. Remember half of all the people in the US grow up from divorced families. This is not a new or unusual thing. The key is being involved and active, both of you.

Your financial situation is not stagnant, you can always make more money. However if you are with your wife even if you bump into someone and fall in love with them your living situation will be stagnant, and it will hinder your ability to have a relationship that has true love in it. It will hinder your ability to have a relationship that is not dysfunctional. What if you meet someone who would make a great choice, that would be the wrong time to change your whole life around. Better to do it now in a controlled environment. 

How old are you? Guessing from your post you are young and have decades of life to live. It makes no sense to sacrifice decades because of fear, especially when you are afraid of something that you have a good deal of power over. If you get serious and work hard you have the potential to make money and good money at that. If you need to spend a year and get yourself a career where you can support yourself, assuming you are not unable to work do it. Besides all that why do you assume YOU will be the one paying alimony, it is usually payed out by potential earning, meaning your wife may be paying you. Why can't YOU go for custody of your kids or at least 50/50 as it stands now YOU seem to be the primary care giver. Go see a lawyer and find out your rights. No matter what you do it's time for you to get serious about making money, this should be a lesson to you that personal income is something that should always be a priority for everyone, it keeps you much safer and gives you much more options. 

Honestly your wife will eventually want to be with someone who loves her as well, don't assume you are safe just because right now she is crying about it. Plus it's not good for kids to grow up around a relationship where there is no love and affection as they learn that this is a normal dynamic. They can then bring that to their adult relationship which can lead their partner to be resentful. Finally you deserve to have a life where you have love. 

Where you are is unsustainable. You need to move on or at least take some action.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Okay, LOTS of good advice. 

I want to discuss your feeling of being trapped. Of not loving your wife. 

First your wife is not very lovable after what she has done. You dont need to love her, and you dont need to stress about not loving her. Cant MAKE yourself love someone. But you can allow yourself to and frankly you are not allowing yourself to love her. And it is ENTIRELY understandable why. 

My husband cheated almost 5 years ago, Found out 3 and a half years ago. One week I love him, the next entire month I hate him, And the rollercoaster of feelings would go up and down. 

He was not GREAT at Reconciliation. Made me hate him more on bad days. 


I stayed initially because I was scared, and without means of my own. I depended on his medical (I have heart issues) and having no insurance could have meant death down the line. So in a way I stayed for finance/survival. 

I have been so far out of the relationship that I knew many times I was weak for my own affair. Hell... I think I kept myself fat and overweight to keep men from hitting on me. Regardless of my weight, I have a VERY attractive face and LONG beautiful hair. I still get noticed on the daily. But nothing I cant brush off. I was afraid If i was skinnier I would feel confident enough to cheat. 

Anyway... I digress. I have fallen out of love and in 100s of times over the last near four years. Somehow the last big fights we had woke him up and me too in a way and I think i may have more consistency in my positive feelings towards him. 

Staying with your wife will be hard. Dont try to love her, try to love yourself. 
Be aware that the lack of love you feel will make it more likely you will search for those feelings else where. 

And in the end... Finance is NOT enough to stay. Find another reason or leave.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Okay, LOTS of good advice.
> 
> I want to discuss your feeling of being trapped. Of not loving your wife.
> 
> ...


You are not presenting this as a good solution right? Because honestly I think you should read my post to OP and follow suit as well. Seriously this is not a good life you have chosen for yourself. To allow yourself to be overweight and compromise your health because you are afraid to financially separate from your spouse is a horrible choice. At the least go get training so you can have a skill to support yourself and provide for your own health insurance. Besides that it can't be good for your heart that you are overweight. You seem to be staying your relationship with your husband is keeping you overweight. So your relationship is indirectly making you sick and possibly killing you. NOT GOOD. 

Both of you need to start to take ownership or your own financial situation so you can have more power in your own lives and your decision making. Your financial situation doesn't have to be stagnate.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Learn how to be happy within yourself. That is the key. 

Right now your financial situation isn't good, but there are lots of things you can do about it.

There are many living wage jobs available that do not require a college education. There are apprenticeship programs that pay for you to learn while also paying you a wage. The apprentice wage is not a lot, but it leads to well paying jobs. Some of these apprenticeship programs are six months and some are up to three years. When you finish the apprenticeship you go on to a well paying job.

Some examples of apprenticeship programs are trucking companies. I saw one with a six months program. They provide education to get a CDL. Some of these programs are for hazardous material drivers who make a lot of money, but it's not a good long term job due to the hazardous fumes. It's something you could do for a couple of years to meet your program requirements, then move to something else. These jobs are home every night jobs.

Other programs include plumbing, electrician, HVAC, etc.

I heard that UPS starts everyone out part-time in their warehouse, then you can eventually move into a driver position and after three years as a driver they make really good money.

There are lots of options for you. Choose a program.

Be patient and begin to focus on personal growth, but stay with your wife while you are in the apprenticeship program. You don't have to tell her what your plan is, but you do have to be able to get along with her peacefully in the same house while you both prepare to be able to care properly for your children whether you stay together or leave. This is not an emergency situation. You have many options you can work while you are taking time to heal emotionally.

Let your wife know that you are very hurt and need to work through your pain. Tell her it's going to take a long time and right now you are going to focus on yourself and the kids while you try to move forward with your life after what she's done to you. If she wants any chance of reconciliation she needs to work with you to help you in your healing process without pressuring you or making any demands. At this point you need to stay together in order to properly care for the children and to make a plan where you will be able to both work and have them in daycare. It's not practical for you to remain a stay at home dad with your marriage in this condition and she should realize that.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, take it from me, a financial professional in the divorce field, SHE IS IN MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU. First, secure all bank accounts. Make sure you know what is in them. Get your tax returns and get to know your CPA. Next: tell her that she should leave. Her infidelity is grounds for a separation and temporary child support and alimony. Yes, if you are a SAHD, and she is the major provider, you have recourse against her. Get a lawyer and give her consequences of her actions. IF and only IF she had relations with anyone at work, that can be held over her head (I know, I am an extortionist, HOWEVER, I am talking the OP's survival at this point). She has gotten no consequences at this point, now she has to have her world turned upside down.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BaB you just found out about this in March. It is way too early to experience any kind of healing. Affairs can take anywhere from 3 to 5 years to get over emotionally, and even then it leaves a stain. 

The dead feeling you have is called the "lethal plain of flatness" and it is a coping mechanism your mind has put up to protect you from the pain you are in.

My recommendation is to just take your time. Don't rely on your feelings or emotions to guide you. I say give the marriage one more year, go to counseling during that time, and then if no feelings have re-surfaced then you'll know for certain if your love for her is dead.

And in the meantime get a job and start saving up some money. You'll feel better for it.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You are not presenting this as a good solution right? Because honestly I think you should read my post to OP and follow suit as well. Seriously this is not a good life you have chosen for yourself. To allow yourself to be overweight and compromise your health because you are afraid to financially separate from your spouse is a horrible choice. At the least go get training so you can have a skill to support yourself and provide for your own health insurance. Besides that it can't be good for your heart that you are overweight. You seem to be staying your relationship with your husband is keeping you overweight. So your relationship is indirectly making you sick and possibly killing you. NOT GOOD.
> 
> Both of you need to start to take ownership or your own financial situation so you can have more power in your own lives and your decision making. Your financial situation doesn't have to be stagnate.



Heavens NO i never presented it as DO THIS! It was more of a cautionary tale, and though it is ironing out now, if i had it to do over i would not have done this. In the end I am happy again. But that is because I have been turning to myself to make myself happy. 

Things can turn out alright, and then not and again many times. It is goodish now. 

But this is not about me and my situation. Just what maybe he can learn from my path.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am not a big fan of having kids first and marriage second. Never worked out well for those I know who did that. You need to look at it this way. If you were in prison on a life sentence, would you rather spend all of your money to lawyers in order to be released or live the rest of your life in prison. Don't make this about money because for most that is not the real reason to stay in a loveless marriage. Good luck.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

First, it may not make a difference, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were more than 3 encounters. Second, I don't believe her reasoning for the betrayal. It's sounds preservative. I would proceed with the divorce or separation, but plan for it financially and figuratively. In the meanwhile, remain cordial, respectful, and unromantic if at all possible. Have to be careful with the sex, as you don't want her to have another child to keep you with her. 

I was engaged and was cheated on. I kind of pretended to reconcile, but I wasn't close to wanting reconciliation. I just went along with her pleading. Couldn't touch her though. Everything turned me off, her smile, everything. But, I never ended it because I didn't have the heart to disappoint her, in spite of her f'ing me over. I'm a sucker for ladies crying. But anyway, I just strung her along, making my life miserable. If I had to redo it, I would have told her up front, so that she could move on. 

Had to put a restraining order on her to stop bugging me. I had been cheated on twice and one never knows how they will handle it until it happens. With me, everything ends immediately. I'm talking within the second of hearing the information, I'm done. Craft your exit the best you can, but do exit if you feel as though you can't get past it. I understand. I couldn't twice. I never looked back.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So a lot to respond to, sorry if I don't get to every question or comment. 

As for the financial problems, a lot of you gave me some good advice that I will likely follow. I'm not unemployed though. I do ride-share and I make decent money from it. I can usually average out around $18-$30 an hour depending on time if the year, events going on, price of fuel ect. 

As for the legal aspect, I don't think she'd ever take my children from me. She grew up with a P.O.S. father who didn't want to her and I don't think she'd deny her children happiness for the sake of hurting me. I know the reason she lied for so long about it was because she didn't want me to leave. She wanted to keep her family intact. 

I do want to talk to a lawyer about my options because although I am a SAHD I've only been one for a few months. Ever since we had children I have been the main bread winner, so I don't know if that will play a factor in any sort of way. 

I know at least with this specific person it was 3 times. I confirmed it with the person he was dating at the time. She had no reason to lie to me and hated him as much as I did for he cheated on her multiple times. Even when she was pregnant with his kid.

I don't think she has cheated with anyone else but who knows at this point. I never thought she was capable, changed my view of her character in a way that I can't explain but I'm sure those of you who have been cheated on can understand.

I did think she was truly remorseful but some recent comments of hers are starting to make me think other wise. The last few months she has agreed to all of my stipulations on staying and making it work. Her actions have shown me that she really wants me to stay and that she won't do it again. 

Like I said though a few comments lately I heard her say makes me second guess it. For example she keeps bringing up that she "can't change the past" there are other things she has said but wouldn't make much sense without the full context. 

As for her doing it again? No clue anymore. Everything I thought about her loyalty has gone out the window. She keeps saying she's not that person anymore but to me that sounds like something she tells herself to deal with the guilt. She wants to go to counseling both together and seperately and said she's willing to pay for it. 

I seen at least one of you mention staying with her while I work on myself and my kids. This was and had been my plan, I just couldn't fake the "I love yous" or the "I miss yous" anymore. I'm not a liar, never have been. I felt guilty even though I felt nothing towards her. I have a plan to build my own business and actually won't cost much to start up. I fear that if I start a business and do as well as I thing I will and then fine for divorce that I'm going to get screwed.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*Quote:* "*She have even tried to tell me she loves me since, which is probably smart on her end because I just don't anymore.*"

Not sure what you mean by this. The way you phrase it, it's as if she rarely says she loves you or says it out of desperation as a last resort. ...... as if it's a special thing or something. Can you clarify?

*Quote: "I suspected something was happening for the last 3 years and have made sure they were not in contact".*

If you suspected something for three years, it's probable that it went on that long, and not a couple of months. As I posted earlier. I'm not sure her number was three. It think that number was one she chose believing it was was enough to stop your threat of a poly test, but well short of the number she hopes she never has to reveal to you. That number she will take to her grave, unless poly tests forces it out of her. The first few attempts at "numbers" given by WS are often 1/4 to 1/2 of the real ones. Very often, worse than that. 

I'd schedule the poly to get the real number, as you may get a parking lot confession. The significance on getting the true number is it will provide a much clearer picture on her morality. If it turns out to be a 3-year, long-term affair, then you know what type of person she is and your divorce will be much easier for you to carry out. If it is as short and brief as she says it is, it's still wrong, but again, you have a clearer picture of her moral compass.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

There are two ways to play this depending on whether you prefer divorce or staying. Being a SAHD means you are entitled to alimony, she will be paying through the nose since your income is ZERO. Divorcing now while you have nothing is actually a better financial decision for you then going out finding a job then filing. If you know you want a divorce file ASAP while you are the most unmarketable. SAHM's do this all the time. You will have to get a job after divorce anyways eventually, but it may take a while for them to scale back the alimony. Get a free consult with an attorney.

The other way to play this is you may not be too thrilled to divorce since you have so many kids together. Its a valid concern despite the cheating. But this wait and see game is not good with you being financially dependent on her. Priority#1 in this case is to get a job ASAP. You can always put the kids in daycare which isn't all that bad, it allows them to socialize more with children their own age which is healthy. Besides, whatever feminism has bred into society, women don't find SAHD's particularly sexy. 

Go get a free consult first before you do anything though.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I believe that if her greatest fear is a separation, I suggest she live out her fear. Affairs need consequence, the reason she is snapping back is that it has occurred to her that nothing other than you hurting has happened. Therefore, a logical consequence is that she is removed from the home. I do not suggest you leave. You need to blow up the marriage in order to save it or yourself. 

Let her know that it is up to her to fix what she broke, then send her home to mom.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Taxman said:


> I believe that if her greatest fear is a separation, I suggest she live out her fear. Affairs need consequence, the reason she is snapping back is that it has occurred to her that nothing other than you hurting has happened. Therefore, a logical consequence is that she is removed from the home. I do not suggest you leave. You need to blow up the marriage in order to save it or yourself.
> 
> Let her know that it is up to her to fix what she broke, then send her home to mom.


Excellent approach.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

If it were me I would secretly run DNA tests on the kids and myself. I think that can be done with just saliva swabs that you can send in.
Also when she cheated, you were not married. Is there any possibility that at the time she though you might never marry her?


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Rgaines said:


> If it were me I would secretly run DNA tests on the kids and myself. I think that can be done with just saliva swabs that you can send in.
> Also when she cheated, you were not married. Is there any possibility that at the time she though you might never marry her?


I know the kids are mine. They look more like me than their mother. I have some pretty dominate yours that they both have. Everyone who sees them with me she's joke "well you won't ever need a DNA test"


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Taxman said:


> I believe that if her greatest fear is a separation, I suggest she live out her fear. Affairs need consequence, the reason she is snapping back is that it has occurred to her that nothing other than you hurting has happened. Therefore, a logical consequence is that she is removed from the home. I do not suggest you leave. You need to blow up the marriage in order to save it or yourself.
> 
> Let her know that it is up to her to fix what she broke, then send her home to mom.


The problem with that is she has to have the baby with her pretty much anytime she's not at work because the baby is breast fed and absolutely refuses to take a bottle. My wife works a split shift so she can feed the baby inbetween shifts. I feed her solids when she's at work but she cannot live on that alone. I've tried everything I can to get that baby to take a bottle but have had no success. 

That's what's making this more difficult right now. We both need to be here unless she finds someone else to watch her while she's at work and I'm order to do that she would have to pay someone too. She can't afford to pay someone and all of our family works in the morning. That's why I quit my full-time job working 6am-2pm, so I can take care of the kids during the day and work around her schedule. She told me she only needed me to work a few days a week because she would be bringing enough in.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So a lot to respond to, sorry if I don't get to every question or comment.
> 
> As for the financial problems, a lot of you gave me some good advice that I will likely follow. I'm not unemployed though. I do ride-share and I make decent money from it. I can usually average out around $18-$30 an hour depending on time if the year, events going on, price of fuel ect.
> 
> ...


*Dont fake it. Dont lie. Tell her that you dont think you love her anymore and that if you are (trying) reconciling that you are also TRYING TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH HER. but yeah... Stop lying. I told my husband that I didn't think I loved him anymore. He flipped and wanted to divorce then saying well LOVE is Marriage... And no...it is not. Love is an emotion, Marriage is a home for that love OR a prison when there is no love. If she wont accept you TRYING to love her again, that is her choice. *


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> The problem with that is she has to have the baby with her pretty much anytime she's not at work because the baby is breast fed and absolutely refuses to take a bottle. My wife works a split shift so she can feed the baby inbetween shifts. I feed her solids when she's at work but she cannot live on that alone. I've tried everything I can to get that baby to take a bottle but have had no success.
> 
> That's what's making this more difficult right now. We both need to be here unless she finds someone else to watch her while she's at work and I'm order to do that she would have to pay someone too. She can't afford to pay someone and all of our family works in the morning. That's why I quit my full-time job working 6am-2pm, so I can take care of the kids during the day and work around her schedule. She told me she only needed me to work a few days a week because she would be bringing enough in.



Send her home to mom with the baby. Let her mother become the unpaid babysitter. Add to that that her mother should be told of what she has done. When I told my MIL that my wife had slept with a guy from her office, she was quite displeased. Very old school, for that matter (in her world men screwed around and women were faithful-it hurt her to her bones that her daughter had slept with a random guy). Walking around your mother's house single because you had an affair, and sending you there with a kid, shows that she is NOT viewed kindly at home. The gossip hurts more than the ouster.

She needs consequence. Announce to her, that since she opened the marriage, maybe you should start dating . One of my buddies (whose wife was a pig but never slept around) told his wife that he wanted someone to at least respect him. She gave him the proverbial grunt answer. It came as no surprise when he divorced her, and found a delightful lady from the islands. She respects him and they have a loving relationship. His ex wife has had little success in the dating market. Her apartment is a pig sty.(ex hubby wasn't around to clean up after her). Her personality is less than sparkling. She respects absolutely nobody (her father was in the same business as my own-didn't like to work, and was constantly in hock-my dad: we weren't wealthy, but we had everything we needed, plus that business put me through uni.)


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Taxman said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > The problem with that is she has to have the baby with her pretty much anytime she's not at work because the baby is breast fed and absolutely refuses to take a bottle. My wife works a split shift so she can feed the baby inbetween shifts. I feed her solids when she's at work but she cannot live on that alone. I've tried everything I can to get that baby to take a bottle but have had no success.
> ...


We live in a duplex and her mother rents the upstairs apartment. She already knows what happened and is all on her side. Her mother has never been fond of me. I'm going to talk to a lawyer before I do anything regardless.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So I went through her text messages a little for the first time in awhile and read some good and bad things. Last week when I told her that I didn't love her anymore and was going to file for separation, she told her friend "I can't I put us this through this and have to raise my children in a broken home" that could mean she's actually remorseful but she also said "part of me is relieved but part of me doesn't want it to end like this" and that's the part that Disturbed me a bit. She's relieved? Is she relieved that I'm the one who wants to end it? Or relieved that she won't have to deal with the problems anymore? Is she saying that she does want it to end but just not like this? Or is she saying she just doesn't want it to end? 

She would say I'm reading too into what she's saying but the words you use show your real feelings, especially if they're words you think I won't see.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bearded and Broken,

One possibility is that she never had the same level of attraction and lust for you that she had for the OM, so while you were a better deal all other things considered, she still longs for those intense feelings and believes she can have them again but not with you. However she wants you to make the choice to break up the family. 

My W has indicated that that this was true with OM1, on some levels my W even feels that she gave up true love to stay with me.

Are you going to have her take a polygraph?

Did you expose the OM?

Tamat


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So I went through her text messages a little for the first time in awhile and read some good and bad things. Last week when I told her that I didn't love her anymore and was going to file for separation, she told her friend "I can't I put us this through this and have to raise my children in a broken home" that could mean she's actually remorseful but she also said "part of me is relieved but part of me doesn't want it to end like this" and that's the part that Disturbed me a bit. She's relieved? Is she relieved that I'm the one who wants to end it? Or relieved that she won't have to deal with the problems anymore? Is she saying that she does want it to end but just not like this? Or is she saying she just doesn't want it to end?
> 
> She would say I'm reading too into what she's saying but the words you use show your real feelings, especially if they're words you think I won't see.


Your reading way too much into that. Your trying to read what you want, not what she wrote. You'll notice nowhere did she write she thinks this a mistake and wants to figure a way to try and save it.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Her text could mean a lot of things. Her cheating was three years ago - that is a long time to hold a secret like that. So she could be relieved that it is out. She could also be relieved that she doesn’t have to do the work of reconciliation or deal with your hurt and anger. 

Does it matter? If she was remorseful beyond question would you stay and try, or is it a dealbreaker for you?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like regret not remourse. Very different things.

Regret is how it's going to affect her not you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> She's relieved? Is she relieved that I'm the one who wants to end it? Or relieved that she won't have to deal with the problems anymore? Is she saying that she does want it to end but just not like this? Or is she saying she just doesn't want it to end?


I would say all of the above, all at once. 

In the end I would judge her by her actions. Her actions say she didn't want the marriage anymore.


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