# My Situation



## jpurdey (Dec 27, 2011)

I love my wife (of five years), but things aren't looking good long-term. No one has cheated, no one's been a total a-hole, and as of the moment, nobody is angry. This is a really awkward position I'm in, and a complicated one. Admittedly, part of this is my fault. When you're young and relatively naive, a lot of things sound good to you, or at least not objectionable. Later, after you wise up a bit, things tend to look a little different.

When we first got married we had a lot in common, we ran in the same social circles, had similar goals, and rarely disagreed. Now, arguing is a lot of what we do. Not about little things (usually), but about really big things, future goals, children (we don't have any yet), even retirement has been fought over (I'm not yet 30). We have different friends now. I don't really like her's and she doesn't even know mine. Anyway, we still love each other but we want very different things. She won't compromise at all, and I'd rather not give in. I dunno, I've given up a lot already and it feels like if I give up anything else I'll have nothing left.

This is kind of the tip of the iceberg, there are a whole lot of other things too. A big issue is children. She wants them, I do not. When we got married I was fine with the idea, but after five years, I do not believe she can handle the realities of having kids. She is in love with the idea of having children and being a stay at home mom, but she doesn't (can't) cook, doesn't clean (I take care of these things), and frankly doesn't have the patience to deal with children for more than a few hours at a time (she has a very short temper and some serious anger issues). Added to this she is a very social person and refuses to give up her "friend time" which is usually at least two to three nights a week. Which is fine now, but what about when she can't? I've asked her this and she really has no answer. Simply put, I will not be the primary caretaker and primary source of income.

Maybe I'm rambling here... Point is, I'm not happy and neither is she. I just don't really want to try anymore. I'm tired.

P.S. If this looks familiar, I posted this on another forum awhile back, but didn't get any particularly useful advice. That is, people were trying to be helpful, but most of what was suggested I'd either already done, or simply didn't apply. Anyway the situation hasn't changed much since then. I'll be adding to this post in the future...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well either the both of you are on board to fix this or a divorce is where you are headed.

Have you read the "His Needs, Her Needs" book? That would be where I would start to see if she is willing to work on what the books says to work on. If she is not, there is no marriage really.


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## jpurdey (Dec 27, 2011)

No, I haven't read the book. Like I said she refuses to even discuss certain issues. I'm pretty sure I know where the marriage is headed too. I just don't know how to go about things. None of my friends are divorced and I don't know anyone in a similar situation. To complicate matters, she wanted me to go back to school full time a couple years ago (which required me to leave my job), and so I did. Now, she basically controls the finances. All of them. I feel kind of stuck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage you can read and work on the His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters material on your own. If you change, she will have to change.

As for her controlling the finances. Do you bring any money in .. such as grants or loans? You can't let her control your finances any more. So you need to find a way to stop that nonsense.

How long until you graduate with whatever degree program you are in so you can get another job?


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## jpurdey (Dec 27, 2011)

Yes, I have some grants/loans, but they barely cover tuition/books and a very little in savings. And right now I'm in a very competitive program so cutting back on hours or picking up a part -time job isn't an option. Shortest time frame still at least three years, assuming I finish my dissertation _very_ quickly, and that's kind of unlikely. Honestly, I don't know if I even want to save things. I've known my wife long enough to know she's not going to change. She's actually said as much.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say you still love each other, but what does that mean to you? If you list what a loving marriage relationship means to you, what points does your marriage check off. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpurdey (Dec 27, 2011)

Actually, the love thing is a lot of the problem. I hate cliches and I had always thought this one was crap. I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her and I'm entirely sure I ever was. I was in love once, and I remember what it feels like, but I don't remember really ever feeling that way with her. I do love her though, but I'd say it's more akin to how I feel about my closest friends i.e. I care about her and I don't want to see her hurt, but on the other hand...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you are dependent on your wife to support you through school. How are you going to finish the program if you divorce her?

One thing is, will this program acutally lead to more income? I ask because one of my sisters-in-law just finished a Library and Information Science Masters program. She ran up 35K in school loans for it. But jobs in that field with an MA start at 40K a year IF she is lucky. It was quite honestly a waste of her time and money. Especially since now libraries are shutting down all over the country.

Now she is divorcing my brother and demanding life long spousal support because she cannot find a job in her 'career field' and she refuses to work at anything else.

It sounds to me like you will need to drop out of school and get a job if your marriage is not going to make it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're not in love with her, and have never been in love with her, the rest of it doesn't really matter, does it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think this is going to work out. What exactly does your wife say about it. Is she interested in continuing the marriage.


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