# Feel really lonely in my marriage



## Homebird (May 2, 2020)

We have been married 9 years. Have 3 lovely children.
I have experienced several severe health problems which means I have always been a sahm, and my husband always working.
I don’t feel we have a personal connection any more. I am really struggling emotionally, I’m mentally exhausted with 24/7 childcare of ages 7, 5 and 1 during this C-19 time, on top of physical weakness and pain
My husband is still working, and now is doing so 7 days a week as the company has furloughed a lot of other staff. He says it is the only option as he has to keep the department running. Asking him to set limits on what his work demands of him is non negotiable - I’ve tried, he wont. His work is his top priority,

I became really upset today, and said I didn’t feel able to talk because I didn’t want to nag, and he said ‘well if you can without whining it would help’ - I feel like he patronises me when I’m not able to complete something, and friends just aren’t important to him so he doesn’t get how awful it is for me to not speak or see another adult in days. So yeah, that comment was like a slap in the face.
He knew I was crying alone in the bedroom, walked past several times but didn’t come in at all.

Am I expecting too much? How do I explain that I am really really lonely, and utterly exhausted, without him being offended that I’m nagging at him? He thinks he can just ‘chill out’ at home because he is working all day. I don’t think he means to be selfish, he is lovely with the kids. But he has absolutely no idea what it takes to keep a home running, he just does not see it.

Not sure what I’m asking here, but - any advice please?
Thanks


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Homebird said:


> His work is his top priority,





Homebird said:


> I don’t think he means to be selfish


I don't think so, either. I have had similar circumstances in 3 different marriages. The first had a child-care component, the second was only health issues, and now, in the last 4 years, my third wife is out of work for the last 4 years on disability.

I can tell you this. My fear, dreaded fear, is that if I don't meet the demands of my job, I will be replaced. For a man nearly 68 yo, this is a "driving" feeling which causes my work to be my HIGHEST priority. Because, if it isn't, we will be in the proverbial 'up s___ creek without a paddle" scenario. 

At my age, getting another job is almost a pipe dream, unless I want to say "...welcome to Wal-Mart...", in which case I might as well stay home. It took me nearly 7 months to get this one.

My wife constantly nags at me that "work is all you think about". This, of course, is not true, but I cannot make other things higher priority, if I want to look at myself in a mirror. I will burn the candle at both ends to keep my employer happy, and the cats might not get fed at exactly 8:30 AM. Which is her highest priority (but that's another discussion for another day).

Whether she likes it (and she doesn't, she constantly tells me that "you don't have to work") or whether she doesn't, I have a job to do, and that job is to get her and I to the finish line without being a burden to society, and especially not our children. That, my friends, is JOB ONE.....and is done to PROTECT HER from a horrible life.



Homebird said:


> friends just aren’t important to him
> he doesn’t get how awful it is for me to not speak or see another adult in days


No, I think you're completely right. Because to me, "speaking" and "seeing" other adults is probably the lowest thing on my list.....

I'm extremely introverted, to not "speak" or "see" is heaven on earth.

This is my advice. Read up on Myers-Briggs personality testing. Take the free internet test, and get your husband to take it, too. Then, compare your results. I think you will be quite amazed at what you learn about yourself and about your husband. I think, if you both learn from it, you will find the relief that you seek in your marriage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll say this, and it probably won't be popular.
I won't minimize your health problems, which according to you, means that you could not work outside the house.
I certainly will not minimize your contribution as a SAHM. It certainly is hard, emotional, but rewarding work.
I understand it is physically and emotionally draining.
However, your husband, who in the middle of a pandemic is probably struggling to prove his worth in an effort to maintain gainful employment and keep a roof over all your heads, is probably physically and emotionally drained as well. If he is working 7 days/week, he is probably a walking zombie.
You have listed your feelings and deficits. Is he not entitled to any? Does it matter that he is probably is experiencing all the things that you have listed, plus he has to carry the financial load and all the stress associated to that?
Sounds like the two of you need some time together without the kids, where you can unwind and reconnect. Is there someone that can take them for a day or two? You might want to get a copy of the book regarding love languages and read and discuss it together. Given the current circumstances, it might take some time to make this happen.
However in the short term, try to do some little things to increase the connection between you two. Do some little things to open a conversation like bring him a beer, cuddle with him , open up the means of conversation in a non-threatening and non-antagonistic way. Use this opportunity to share feelings (both of yours,) and work on practical solutions that can be achieved, given the current situation. I'm sure that there will be compromise on both sides. Work as a team to make things better for both of you. Best of luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I should have also said that I recognize the continually-tiring aspect of what you do as a SAHM, and that I value highly your contribution to society through your efforts.


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## Homebird (May 2, 2020)

Thank you for your replies. It does help to hear from another perspective xx
I know he must feel the pressure being the only wage earner, I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard.

It can be easy when stressed to only focus on oneself and how difficult it is for me. I appreciate you taking time to reply.

It isn’t possible at the moment for someone to take the kids but I will look at other things I can do to help us both unwind.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Homebird said:


> I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard.


I understand.... but every worthwhile activity in life is hard. Things which are easy are usually not worth much, in terms of benefit.

I have this suggestion for you. It doesn't come from me, I'm not the author of it..... however, the two millenia which have passed since the author wrote this letter, have testified to its authenticity and its veracity:

The words of the Apostle Paul to the Philippians (Philippians 4:6-8 KJV)

_Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. _

And, TJW the aged adds one thing:

Don't only "think about" such things....speak them to your husband.



Homebird said:


> I will look at other things I can do to help us both unwind.


The time is short. Use this time to nurture and develop your children. Before you know it, they will not need anyone to "take" them......


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I am not excusing your husband’s behaviour, but when the COVID-19 crisis hit, I worked 5 weeks straight, 12-14 hour days minimum, to keep the lights on.

Oh, and to do my best to make sure I still have a job when the dust settles, because it’s going to get rough out there.

I would never tell my wife to stop whining, but she has had to remind me multiple times that I’ve been working too much and need breaks - and family time.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Female here. I agree with all the things the males have said. I would also like to add that your feelings are valid. His telling you to not whine is disrespectful, unless you are actually whining, not just telling him how you feel.

I imagine you felt the same way before the corona virus hit, and you are feeling more lonely because he is away from the home more.

I'd say that you need to keep reminding yourself, several times a day that this time (corona virus pressures) is unique and won't last forever. It is very difficult on you and your husband, in different ways.

After things get back to normal in the world, if he continues to work too many hours, then you need to tell him again how you feel again. If he is a workaholic, you may need to establish some boundaries for yourself and him. 

You will also need to seriously evaluate if he absolutely must work so many hours to just make ends meet. If that is the case, can the two of you give up some things so he can work less hours? For example move to a less expensive home, buy fewer clothes, eat out less, drop magazine subscriptions, drop a club membership, make a budget and stick to it, cut out other luxuries, etc. If he is on the same page, your marriage and family life can greatly improve, just by him being physically present, more than your (plural) ability to have nice things and do fun things.

I'm speaking from experience here. My husband has always chosen to work more hours because he has a fear of being a deadbeat like his dad was. In addition, he doesn't like conflict or the work of homelife, although he won't admit it. He provides very nicely for us, but we have missed his presence. Several children are grown up and we don't live with them anymore. They come over to visit here and there. He is finally realizing what I meant when I told him that he is missing out on their lives, that we don't need as much money, we need HIM. Our marriage has suffered, for many reasons. He had an affair because he moved away for a "dream job" and being distanced from his family, he forgot that he worked so hard "for us." He ended his affair, his dream job up and left town, requiring him to live several states away for weeks at a time if he wanted to continue to be employed by them. Now he works for a local company, but again, with a job that requires him to be gone 5 days a week. The children and I have trained ourselves to not think about him or miss him, because it was tearing us apart. I was told by a counselor that his leaving all the time was harder on us because it is so frequent. At least people in the military stay gone for long periods so the family can adapt. But my husband leaves and comes back, putting us on an emotional roller coaster. Our oldest daughter told me several years ago, "I don't have a father" because he was physically gone so much.

I tell you all that because after everything gets back to normal, your husband and you really need to talk about your marriage and family, your values, how much togetherness you, the children and he need. Maybe he prefers to be away from home for personal reasons that he feels can't say out loud. I believe my husband is like that.

Now if he only works a 40 hour week when the world is normal, then you need to find ways to get in your girlfriend time. Look into mommy groups that meet at the playground, or find out about other mommy groups. Do you know anyone with children who you would like to become friends with? You can invite them over for a play date.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too am a SAHM, I don't for one moment minimise your contribution. Not at all.

Your husband is working 7 days a week though, you need to cut him a break. He shouldn't have to do housework on top of that honey, that's completely unreasonable. How old are the children? Even toddlers can't be taught to start cleaning up after themselves - taking their dirty dishes to the sink, putting their toys away before bed each night, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry. Just those little things will make a big difference to you.

Your husband shouldn't be telling you not to whine, that's not nice, but it can be very hard on someone who's working so much, whilst feeling all the same stresses that you do, to be constantly nagged and told they're not doing enough at home.

You need to maintain the status quo for a bit longer, while this pandemic craziness is happening, but once things go back to normal you both need to sit down and work out a plan going forward - you both need time alone, and time for the two of you without the children.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

HB, do you see anything of the things that first attracted him to you? If you do let this be your focus and intent, let this strengthen your resolve and be your path to emotional recovery (because only you can let others, affect you in such a way). 

And I know it more intense because you rely on your loved on to fill your needs. This is in every loving marriage, but your are indeed overwhelmed, and if you are a follower of the Christian God and his Son and the Holy Spirit, let God be the beginning of your strength Psalms help you, we will see we are not alone nor the first to suffer. 

Gather your thoughts, after your kids are asleep and your husband is resting. Give yourself to his word, to study and reflect that things will be alright "and truly believe it" a calm will come. 

In my greatest periods of trial, you can look up "MINDFULNESS", UCLA University has excellent exercises you can do throughout the day, yes even while your doing your daily activities.

But do understand this, we here at TAM are always here to support and help as best we can.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Adelais said:


> Maybe he prefers to be away from home for personal reasons that he feels can't say out loud.


I know I bury myself in work and sleep. "Hiding" from my wife. Mostly, she nags me about working too much, and that "you're asleep at 8:00"


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You aren't going to like what I have to say.

He's the only one keeping you and your three children alive. Without his job, you wouldn't have food and shelter. We're in the middle of a pandemic. He's got to work, a lot. If you have never been the only wage earner you have no idea the stress and pressure he's under. I can't believe you feel the need to unload on him how it sucks to be isolated and lonely during the pandemic. I think it's beyond disrespectful.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Homebird said:


> We have been married 9 years. Have 3 lovely children.
> I have experienced several severe health problems which means I have always been a sahm, and my husband always working.
> I don’t feel we have a personal connection any more. I am really struggling emotionally, I’m mentally exhausted with 24/7 childcare of ages 7, 5 and 1 during this C-19 time, on top of physical weakness and pain
> My husband is still working, and now is doing so 7 days a week as the company has furloughed a lot of other staff. He says it is the only option as he has to keep the department running. Asking him to set limits on what his work demands of him is non negotiable - I’ve tried, he wont. His work is his top priority,
> ...


Sounds like you need a date night. get a sitter every Friday night and go on date night. You need something to look forward too. Its hard raising kids and you need a break.


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## Homebird (May 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You aren't going to like what I have to say.
> 
> He's the only one keeping you and your three children alive. Without his job, you wouldn't have food and shelter. We're in the middle of a pandemic. He's got to work, a lot. If you have never been the only wage earner you have no idea the stress and pressure he's under. I can't believe you feel the need to unload on him how it sucks to be isolated and lonely during the pandemic. I think it's beyond disrespectful.


ok. Maybe I wasn’t too clear in the original post. I asked the question here because I saw that most people replied in a positive helpful way, and ultimately to help preserve and improve relationships.

Firstly, I have been the wage earner and responsible for a home - just not while with him. I have also been homeless for a brief period so yes I am well aware of what that is like.
I regularly chat with him about his work, he enjoys it and is happy with how it is going, he says he is not feeling overly stressed about it at the moment, there is just a lot to do. I have made the effort to learn about what he does so that we have something to talk about. We have a tight budget but nowhere near poverty, his job is currently secure.
Him working 7 days a week is nothing new.
Perhaps I should have clarified, this behaviour has been this way for some years.

A question though - are my feelings not at all valid? Because I’m not earning money, does that mean I have no right to have my emotional needs recognised?
I feel lonely, and have done for a long time, way before C-19 came along. I have expressed this to him, we try for a bit then slip back into old habits. Yes I am aware this takes effort from both of us. Yes I know I have my own issues to deal with. Yes he works hard to look after his family and I am incredibly thankful for that. I love how he cares for the kids when he is at home, but there is never time for me, and if I have to choose then I’d choose that he loves the kids rather than me. But I have squashed my needs for so long to support him and make sure his needs and wants get priority, and so that he is able to go to work whenever, that I feel empty. And yes I feel guilty almost daily that I can’t contribute financially, so thanks for hammering that nail in.

just to make this crystal clear - I am not feeling isolated and lonely because of the pandemic. It just happens to have brought these ongoing feelings more into the light.
I have asked him how he is feeling, and do so regularly, and he has said he doesn’t feel under too much pressure.

And no, I don’t think it is disrespectful to say it how it is to your partner, I am his wife, his equal partner, not his subservient, and both of us deserve to be able to say to the other if we are struggling, and both need to be able to offer support.

this is the main point of my post, I’d like help or advice on how to learn to communicate better.
I wrote the original post when very emotional, so it may have not come across quite as intended - 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Homebird (May 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I too am a SAHM, I don't for one moment minimise your contribution. Not at all.
> 
> Your husband is working 7 days a week though, you need to cut him a break. He shouldn't have to do housework on top of that honey, that's completely unreasonable. How old are the children? Even toddlers can't be taught to start cleaning up after themselves - taking their dirty dishes to the sink, putting their toys away before bed each night, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry. Just those little things will make a big difference to you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response.
I didn’t mean so much that I want him to do more housework etc. This is more about him and I connecting again emotionally. When he wants to chill - that’s fine. But when it is just sat looking at his phone for several hours, and then just going to bed, that is what I’d like us to work on. That our relationship needs something more on a personal level. And I know it’s both of us that need to work on it.

I honestly don’t think I do nag, I try so hard to not make demands on him. I almost never say when I’m feeling down or upset because I don’t think that is helpful to load that on him. But when I am feeling desperately sad and as though I can’t cope right now - that is when I would like to be able to communicate and get support. But I’m so **** at communicating that I think I just come across as mad at him. And I’m not. I just really really need a hug or something.

I want to learn to communicate better with him - this is what I’m asking I think xx


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Of course your feelings are valid. I think other posters are mainly saying that right now really isn’t the time to push this issue. Jobs are extra precious at the moment and I’m sure he feels the pressure. 

So he has ALWAYS worked 7 days a week? That’s excessive, if so. The biggest gift two parents can give their kids is a strong, healthy marriage. Your statement that you’d rather the kids get his attention isn’t what is healthiest. They need parents who are a strong team and your marriage should come first. He needs to realize that YOU are important and that his actions are isolating and hurtful to you. You can’t make him care, but you can communicate what you need. Don’t assume he can read your mind, so be clear and spell it out for him. 

I’m sorry you are struggling with all this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The way you worded your original post, it seemed like the problems started with pandemic: working 7 days a week, not doing anything at home, you being lonely. But in your follow up post you say this has been going on for a long time, and that's completely different issue. 

You are right to worry about yoru marriage, and you have a right to feel exhausted and lonely. You both work hard, but you chose to do it separately, instead of supporting each other. it is not normal to work seven days a week all the time. during extra circumstance, like now, yes. but in the long run this is not sustainable. it must be his choise to do it that way, no employer can expect people working seven days a week year long. Him working 7 days a week affects your marriage and family. Neither one of you is getting break, and there is only so much that we can handle. 
Are you sure, that where he goes on weekends, is work?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TJW said:


> I don't think so, either. I have had similar circumstances in 3 different marriages. The first had a child-care component, the second was only health issues, and now, in the last 4 years, my third wife is out of work for the last 4 years on disability.
> 
> I can tell you this. My fear, dreaded fear, is that if I don't meet the demands of my job, I will be replaced. For a man nearly 68 yo, this is a "driving" feeling which causes my work to be my HIGHEST priority. Because, if it isn't, we will be in the proverbial 'up s___ creek without a paddle" scenario.
> 
> ...


all nice and dandy, but how high on your priorioty list is your wife? because we can work hard, and still be together, but it sounds like your only goal it to work to get to finish line and wife seems to be bothering you on your way there?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Homebird said:


> Thank you for your response.
> I didn’t mean so much that I want him to do more housework etc. This is more about him and I connecting again emotionally. When he wants to chill - that’s fine. But when it is just sat looking at his phone for several hours, and then just going to bed, that is what I’d like us to work on. That our relationship needs something more on a personal level. And I know it’s both of us that need to work on it.
> 
> I honestly don’t think I do nag, I try so hard to not make demands on him. I almost never say when I’m feeling down or upset because I don’t think that is helpful to load that on him. But when I am feeling desperately sad and as though I can’t cope right now - that is when I would like to be able to communicate and get support. But I’m so **** at communicating that I think I just come across as mad at him. And I’m not. I just really really need a hug or something.
> ...


Thanks for the clarification 

I also want to say that if he had to choose between time and affection for you or the children, he should choose you most of the time. The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. The greatest gift a couple can give their children is a strong foundation for the family. 

I know sometimes I feel...not sure what the right word is...disconnected?? I guess that's it, from my husband and I really hate that feeling. When I feel that way I go to him and say "I'm feeling down, I NEED you to spend some time with me". Not sure if it's my tone or not, but he always does. Sometimes you just need a hug you know? You don't even want to talk, you just want your husband to sit with you for a little while and hold you. How would he respond if you said it to him like that?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Homebird said:


> I don’t feel we have a personal connection any more. I am really struggling emotionally, I’m mentally exhausted with 24/7 childcare of ages 7, 5 and 1 during this C-19 time, on top of physical weakness and pain





Homebird said:


> I became really upset today, and said I didn’t feel able to talk because I didn’t want to nag, and he said ‘well if you can without whining it would help’ - I feel like he patronises me when I’m not able to complete something, and friends just aren’t important to him so he doesn’t get how awful it is for me to not speak or see another adult in days. So yeah, that comment was like a slap in the face.





Homebird said:


> He knew I was crying alone in the bedroom, walked past several times but didn’t come in at all.





Homebird said:


> Am I expecting too much? How do I explain that I am really really lonely, and utterly exhausted, without him being offended that I’m nagging at him?



Have / are you experiencing postnatal depression, as well as your physical struggles? I'm asking because of your expression of loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and then physical pain. Sometimes physical pain can also be a catalyst towards depression.

While you wrote that friends aren't important to him - do you have friends that you can call upon? Friends or family to share phone calls or video calls? As for emotional connection with your husband, is there space to connect through an activity together - conversation can flow within it. As an example, my husband and I have just started playing chess with relatively short installments of time. It just breaks up the day, something different to focus on together.

Next, I'm going against the grain, and am prepared to have flying tomatoes come my way, but I'm not aligned that his comment about whining was offensive. I mean, it was to you and that's valid, but I'm throwing out a different view around this. Granted, tone and body language play a part in the communication mix. Based on what you wrote, he could be open to listening; the way you're going about it (whining / perceived whining) is not cutting it with him. While acknowledging this may come down to different personality types, I actually think it's better that he told you straight. Gives you a chance to understand how he perceives your communication style, and perhaps how you switch that up - if you're open to that.

And now for context, as you don't know me from a bag of beans (just made up that saying, not sure if it works) - no kids, and therefore, no idea about being a SAHM. What I will share, however, is that I had someone in my team recently have a melt-down over the phone. She's not typically like that; explained how the COVID stuff was getting to her. Apologized profusely for crying. I tried to reassure her, not to worry about that; instead sought with her what she needed. Arranged for her to have the day off, suggested she call family for connection, and suggested the confidential counseling accessible through work. She was keen on this. By the end of our conversation, she had calmed, but my point is, we're in different times and mental health does need to be considered. I guess I'm saying, how can you look after your mental health - to help with the loneliness and exhaustion? Your husband may not be the one to fully lean on for this.

Finally, the part about him ignoring you when you were crying. There could be a number of reasons for this. I'll throw out a few that come to mind: he's insensitive; was giving you space; didn't understand why you were upset and/or didn't want to understand; has experienced manipulation through tears / emotional outbursts - may not be with you - and opts to steer clear... etc...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Most of all though... ((((((( virtual hug )))))))

There's a bunch of kind folks here. I'm glad you reached out.


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## Sophia 76 (May 3, 2020)

has he been acting this way before the C-19 started or is this attitude a new one, i would advice you take it easy with him, because all men has the mid set to be the bread winner of the family, and since his working hard to make sure you and the children dont lack in this C-19, so take things easy with him.. also try to engage him in daily activities like text him when his at work, dont try to complain that his absent hurt.. encourage him praise him for being a good father at this time, because not all man has the ability to work like yours.. tell him sweet things i hope things turn around soon, and you will enjoy your marriage as u should have thanks


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## Homebird (May 2, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> Have / are you experiencing postnatal depression, as well as your physical struggles? I'm asking because of your expression of loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and then physical pain. Sometimes physical pain can also be a catalyst towards depression.
> 
> While you wrote that friends aren't important to him - do you have friends that you can call upon? Friends or family to share phone calls or video calls? As for emotional connection with your husband, is there space to connect through an activity together - conversation can flow within it. As an example, my husband and I have just started playing chess with relatively short installments of time. It just breaks up the day, something different to focus on together.
> 
> ...


thank you for taking the time to reply.
I have taken on board what people have said - that now is probably not the best time to dive into all this with just my husband. I appreciate the pressure he is under right now with other staff off at work, even though he really does enjoy his work.

I am looking into if we can book some marriage counselling so we can talk together with some guidance to allow each one to say what we mean without it descending into me being crazy emotional, which makes him shut down

since I first posted this I have tried to make sure I have at least one video call with a friend or family each day, for my mental health, this is helping I think.

Also, after reading many posts on this site, I want to make much more of an effort to show him little bits of affection and appreciation throughout the day. I know it is a two way thing, and not feeling like being affectionate because the other isn’t paying much attention works both ways.

I really appreciate the replies I have had on here. Thank you. Will see how we progress with this. I can’t carry on the same so I will be making changes.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Homebird said:


> I can’t carry on the same so I will be making changes.


This is massive. Props to you on deciding to make changes. The actions you implement count. 

And I'm so glad that you are arranging video catch-ups. 

Please keep us posted on your journey.


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