# Wife had online afair



## married4kids (10 mo ago)

First time post and membership. Quick background. M(41)3 kids, wife(41) homeschools them. we had had an excellent marriage for 17 years. Great sex, decent back and forth. Good emotional connection. Wife has always been a bit of a taker but I am a giver so it worked out well. We were always kind and loved each other. Starting January 1, we decided to make a big change together, sold our house and moved to the mtns together for a big renovation project. Once we arrived I was very very busy and she wasnt. She didnt engage in friend etc. She was having a hard time finding her way. Side note since she had turned 40 she had really gotten into shape and began posting pics on Instagram. I knew men were chasing her but it was never an issue for us and she never engaged. When we got to our new place, she got a little too cutesy with one of them(12 days into being here) then she immediately pulled back. But eventually said inappropriate things while drunk and began exchange sexy texts. Once that started she was hooked like a drug and it visibly destroyed her mental health. She was in and out of depression while she was hooked with this guy w an affair for 6 months. I didnt know why she was depressed or what was wrong so I kept trying to get her help. She finally told me last week because she was on the verge of suicide trying to stop it all. There was no love for him and she wasn't into the sexual exchange w him(i saw messages to her friends where she kept saying he was ugly and didn't like him) but he was ALWAYS available when she wanted to chat about anything and I wasn't during that time(that is my narrative and not hers). Anyways we are to the point where I love her and want to forgive her and she is devastated by what she has done and is surprised I am forgiving her(part of her mental health was that she had done something unforgivable and it had ruined her life and by continuing to talk to this guy she had at least someone who knew and would understand what she was going through). But as a result of this affair, all the memories of our new place remind her of the experience with him. She wants to move back home. I don't. She doesn't think she can make things work here because of the memories. I feel like she got engaged in the online affair so soon that she never gave this place a chance. I want to stay w her because quite frankly I love her and I love her company. She loves mine too we laugh giggle and have a good time and always have. This is so incredibly out of character for her and so destructive. I want to keep my family together but I don't want to move and feel like I shouldn't have to esp since I am the victim. She was 100% in favor of this move and this change. Absolutely no resistance prior to coming here. Just looking for some advice here. Divorce isnt something either of us want, but I am afraid given her self sabotaging motive for this online affair, that she may do it again the second that things get hard again. .This doesn't fit into a lot of cheater boxes, and I really dont know what to do.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She needs to cut out instacheat, I mean Instagram. Get some IC to figure out why she would do this to everyone.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> She needs to cut out instacheat, I mean Instagram. Get some IC to figure out why she would do this to everyone.


She quit it the day she told me. Thing is she just doesn't know why, and can't figure it out. She has always liked attention and we are both attractive people. I don't even really care about the affair (words on a page and she clearly didnt like or love him I know the guy) There is a deeper reason here. it's definitely trauma related.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

married4kids said:


> Thing is she just doesn't know why, and can't figure it out.


That is something all cheaters say. Same thing my ex said when she did something similar online. She also blamed it on mental health like your wife. These are just all the common excuses women use when they get caught.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> That is something all cheaters say. Same thing my ex said when she did something similar online. She also blamed it on mental health like your wife. These are just all the common excuses women use when they get caught.


That is true, but she didn't get caught. I didn't catch her. She was just broken and told me what was going on. I can assure you. I have known this woman for 17 years. She was not herself. She came to me several times talking about suicide(when I had no idea it was guilt related to the affair. I don't think she is spinning a story here. She has told me every detailed I asked about. She has been 100% honest here. I am not defending her I just think it's hard to swallow that she wasn't in a mental state of emergency.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

she hit 40 and got in shape thus she was now looking for validation from men other than you because your vote doesn't count because you love her unconditionally, meaning if she had gain weight you would have still love her...but for some reason her self-esteem needed or wanted to be noticed by other men, now why she chose this person, most likely cheaters often cheat downward not upward...if you picked a ugly to talk too, she knew she would never marry him or run off with him, but in the end it wasn't him but the illicit behaviors that she got hooked on too.....she needs therapy


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> she hit 40 and got in shape thus she was now looking for validation from men other than you because your vote doesn't count because you love her unconditionally, meaning if she had gain weight you would have still love her...but for some reason her self-esteem needed or wanted to be noticed by other men, now why she chose this person, most likely cheaters often cheat downward not upward...if you picked a ugly to talk too, she knew she would never marry him or run off with him, but in the end it wasn't him but the illicit behaviors that she got hooked on too.....she needs therapy


This was helpful insight.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

married4kids said:


> She quit it the day she told me. Thing is she just doesn't know why, and can't figure it out.


Unless and until she finds the true answer to this question, she is not a safe partner.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Unless and until she finds the true answer to this question, she is not a safe partner.


yeah that is where I am struggling.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

married4kids said:


> This was helpful insight.


+1 for therapy. Intense and focused.

I'm not in favor of you moving.
Make new memories where you are at.
Of course the therapy might say differently, but you can't move everytime a bad memory is created somewhere.
You deal with it and move on.

I'm a little suspicious about her desire to go back, at any cost to your marriage.
Am I reading that right?
She would leave you to go back home?

If you do decide to move, I'd float the idea of a whole new place, not back to the same hometown.
Curious about her reaction to that.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> +1 for therapy. Intense and focused.
> 
> I'm not in favor of you moving.
> Make new memories where you are at.
> ...


I kind of agree on creating new memories, she really just hates it here. Could be her link to the affair or it could be that she feels she completely lost her place her(which is true). All her friends are back home and she feels like she needs to be grounded in the familiar to help her heal(her therapist mentioned finding a safe space). I can assure you it has nothing to do with him. We have 0 contact with him due to some threats I may or may not have made...That door is legally shut I can assure you. She would not necessarily leave me here. This is a summer area and she wants to try summers here and the rest of the time back home, which is a reasonable compromise.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

married4kids said:


> I kind of agree on creating new memories, she really just hates it here. Could be her link to the affair or it could be that she feels she completely lost her place her(which is true). All her friends are back home and she feels like she needs to be grounded in the familiar to help her heal(her therapist mentioned finding a safe space). I can assure you it has nothing to do with him. We have 0 contact with him due to some threats I may or may not have made...That door is legally shut I can assure you. She would not necessarily leave me here. This is a summer area and she wants to try summers here and the rest of the time back home, which is a reasonable compromise.


It sure seems like a lot of instability on her part.

Sorry for the road you’re on OP.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

married4kids said:


> I kind of agree on creating new memories, she really just hates it here. Could be her link to the affair or it could be that she feels she completely lost her place her(which is true). All her friends are back home and she feels like she needs to be grounded in the familiar to help her heal(her therapist mentioned finding a safe space). I can assure you it has nothing to do with him. We have 0 contact with him due to some threats I may or may not have made...That door is legally shut I can assure you. She would not necessarily leave me here. This is a summer area and she wants to try summers here and the rest of the time back home, which is a reasonable compromise.


Going back to your a comment in your OP, you were concerned about her doing this again when times get tough.

That will stay with you forever and there’s no way to ensure it won’t happen.
Sorry to say but that’s a consequence of cheating.
Now you know she has the capability to seek attention elsewhere under the right circumstances.

Therapy is your best chance to “fix” whatever let her do it in the first place.
But who knows if that will do the job or if it will last forever.
Sadly the only way to know is to walk through those life fires and find out.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@married4kids how far did she go with this guy?
did she sleep with him? did they meet alone? kissed? nude phots?
I'm not clear and cant answer or recommend


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

married4kids said:


> She quit it the day she told me. Thing is she just doesn't know why, and can't figure it out. She has always liked attention and we are both attractive people. I don't even really care about the affair (words on a page and she clearly didnt like or love him I know the guy) There is a deeper reason here. it's definitely trauma related.


She did it because she wanted to do it. She likes the attention, that's why she was posting pictures. 
Stop trying to give her excuses for what she did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

married4kids said:


> I kind of agree on creating new memories, she really just hates it here. Could be her link to the affair or it could be that she feels she completely lost her place her(which is true). All her friends are back home and she feels like she needs to be grounded in the familiar to help her heal(her therapist mentioned finding a safe space). I can assure you it has nothing to do with him. We have 0 contact with him due to some threats I may or may not have made...That door is legally shut I can assure you. She would not necessarily leave me here. This is a summer area and she wants to try summers here and the rest of the time back home, which is a reasonable compromise.


What does she need to heal from? Her cheating??????
I would suggest that you both give it two years there and in that time she must agree to get involved in things and make friends. If after 2 years she still hates it then you agree to go back.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> @married4kids how far did she go with this guy?
> did she sleep with him? did they meet alone? kissed? nude phots?
> I'm not clear and cant answer or recommend


Just online chat and picture exchanges. To be fair. we exchange lots of sexy stuff between the two of us ALL THE TIME. So, when he needed the relationship to be physical she just sent him stuff she already did or showed me.(I am not really bothered by the actual affair part of all this we normalized this behavior in our relationship and that part is kinda on me) The he would want her to watch him masturbate which she did do. But he never saw her do it because she just wasnt attracted to him. She just needed him to be her crutch while she was here. She did very much like the sexy text exchange with him but since she didn't find him attractive she wasn't into pic stuff. But I could tell immeadiately after it started the path to being inappropriate and sexual she was having issues. Like immediately the dates line up with her being inconsolable with no explanation.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> She did it because she wanted to do it. She likes the attention, that's why she was posting pictures.
> Stop trying to give her excuses for what she did.


The thing is I'm not really bothered by the cheating. She was 100% honest and we looked at some of the history and it lined up. I am not making excuses for her I am trying to understand the person I have known for many years making a decision that is completely out of character. I also know she didn't have any love for this person. There was never any intent to meet or to take this to the next level. she wanted a friendship and he wanted something more. life just isnt as simple as they cheated and they are evil. That is a grim outlook.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm afraid that in her state of mind, moving anywhere else wouldn't make a difference if she were to feel incline again to engage in emotional online affairs. Moving back home could bring her some serenity and peace of mind, but if her problems are mental, then, it could make not difference after a while. has she been seen by a Psychiatrist?, has she have an evaluation and hormonal and chemistry profile?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

She watched him masturbate but wasn't attracted to him??? No...
She wants to spend some time in old place? A compromise? So she wants to spend some time at old place? Where does loverboy live? So many BAD memories of her sending this creep pics, watching him jerk off...poor thing!!! I am a 49 yo woman and this sounds ridiculous! Your fault??? Were boundaries so loose in your marriage that this seems like NO BIG DEAL?!?! Then why post about it, let her go back, continue her "breakdown", and be the chump. Maybe invite him for coffee???

Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Besides sending nudes pics, did she send videos “performing” for him or did they have virtual sex? 

She’s been your wife for 17 years and is the of your 3 kids but here she was exposing herself for cheap compliments yet your not bothered about her betrayal? I also notice that despite your wife being miserable in this place, you’re still looking for ways to convince her that she’s wrong for how she feels . I have to ask, do you love your wife?

How sure are you that she didn’t meet up with this POS. I hope that you’re not basing that on her word. Was the friend she was confiding in, encouraging her or giving her moral cover? If so, she’s not a friend of the marriage. A good friend would have called her out and pressured her to stop.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm afraid that in her state of mind, moving anywhere else wouldn't make a difference if she were to feel incline again to engage in emotional online affairs. Moving back home could bring her some serenity and peace of mind, but if her problems are mental, then, it could make not difference after a while. has she been seen by a Psychiatrist?, has she have an evaluation and hormonal and chemistry profile?





scatty said:


> She watched him masturbate but wasn't attracted to him??? No...
> She wants to spend some time in old place? A compromise? So she wants to spend some time at old place? Where does loverboy live? So many BAD memories of her sending this creep pics, watching him jerk off...poor thing!!! I am a 49 yo woman and this sounds ridiculous! Your fault??? Were boundaries so loose in your marriage that this seems like NO BIG DEAL?!?! Then why post about it, let her go back, continue her "breakdown", and be the chump. Maybe invite him for coffee???
> 
> Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


I totally don't think this is my fault. I accept 0 responsibility for her decision. But I also am not heartbroken about the actual relationship.. There was no intent to marry or love this person, i don't see it much different than reading erotica or watching porn.. She was trying to fill the void. I just want to know why. it has been destructive to our marriage and her mental health and that is why I am upset. This idea of the betrayed being understanding as a chump is a dangerous stigma.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

married4kids said:


> I kind of agree on creating new memories, she really just hates it here. Could be her link to the affair or it could be that she feels she completely lost her place her(which is true). All her friends are back home and she feels like she needs to be grounded in the familiar to help her heal(her therapist mentioned finding a safe space). I can assure you it has nothing to do with him. We have 0 contact with him due to some threats I may or may not have made...That door is legally shut I can assure you. She would not necessarily leave me here. This is a summer area and she wants to try summers here and the rest of the time back home, which is a reasonable compromise.


All her friends are back home you say. Are these the same friends she was chatting up her affair with? Were they encouraging her behavior? If they were, they are no friends to your marriage.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Besides sending nudes pics, did she send videos “performing” for him or did they have virtual sex?
> 
> She’s been your wife for 17 years and is the of your 3 kids but here she was exposing herself for cheap compliments yet your not bothered about her betrayal? I also notice that despite your wife being miserable in this place, you’re still looking for ways to convince her that she’s wrong for how she feels . I have to ask, do you love your wife?
> 
> How sure are you that she didn’t meet up with this POS. I hope that you’re not basing that on her word. Was the friend she was confiding in, encouraging her or giving her moral cover? If so, she’s not a friend of the marriage. A good friend would have called her out and pressured her to stop.


she definitely did not. She told me way more than someone else would or should. I believe her. Also her friends were telling her not absolutely not continue this relationship.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

married4kids said:


> Just online chat and picture exchanges. To be fair. we exchange lots of sexy stuff between the two of us ALL THE TIME. So, when he needed the relationship to be physical she just sent him stuff she already did or showed me.(I am not really bothered by the actual affair part of all this we normalized this behavior in our relationship and that part is kinda on me) The he would want her to watch him masturbate which she did do. But he never saw her do it because she just wasnt attracted to him. She just needed him to be her crutch while she was here. She did very much like the sexy text exchange with him but since she didn't find him attractive she wasn't into pic stuff. But I could tell immeadiately after it started the path to being inappropriate and sexual she was having issues. Like immediately the dates line up with her being inconsolable with no explanation.


so if this guy was attactive things could've gone physical with him? and kept it a secret?
honestly speak, if she said only pictures and text, then there is more.

just talking means kissing and oral
just kissing means oral and sex
we just had sex once means they had it weekly 
he was small, means he was bigger and better
he wasn't good, means he was great. 
I'm not in love with him means im in love with him but he is not in love with me. 

an ugly guy according to her and she was able to do that much damage. what if he was not ugly or perfect?

and no, depression does not cause someone to cheat, and feeling lonely does not cause someone to cheat. if she had put that effort to find girl friends and friends she could have found many easy. through kids, meeting parks, neighbors, going to libraries....there are many ways to meet friends. 

and honestly, three kids and home schooling when the hell do you even have time for friends and affairs?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

married4kids said:


> The thing is I'm not really bothered by the cheating. She was 100% honest and we looked at some of the history and it lined up. I am not making excuses for her I am trying to understand the person I have known for many years making a decision that is completely out of character. I also know she didn't have any love for this person. There was never any intent to meet or to take this to the next level. she wanted a friendship and he wanted something more. life just isnt as simple as they cheated and they are evil. That is a grim outlook.


Where did I say she was evil?


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

married4kids said:


> First time post and membership. Quick background. M(41)3 kids, wife(41) homeschools them. we had had an excellent marriage for 17 years. Great sex, decent back and forth. Good emotional connection. Wife has always been a bit of a taker but I am a giver so it worked out well. We were always kind and loved each other. Starting January 1, we decided to make a big change together, sold our house and moved to the mtns together for a big renovation project. Once we arrived I was very very busy and she wasnt. She didnt engage in friend etc. She was having a hard time finding her way. Side note since she had turned 40 she had really gotten into shape and began posting pics on Instagram. I knew men were chasing her but it was never an issue for us and she never engaged. When we got to our new place, she got a little too cutesy with one of them(12 days into being here) then she immediately pulled back. But eventually said inappropriate things while drunk and began exchange sexy texts. Once that started she was hooked like a drug and it visibly destroyed her mental health. She was in and out of depression while she was hooked with this guy w an affair for 6 months. I didnt know why she was depressed or what was wrong so I kept trying to get her help. She finally told me last week because she was on the verge of suicide trying to stop it all. There was no love for him and she wasn't into the sexual exchange w him(i saw messages to her friends where she kept saying he was ugly and didn't like him) but he was ALWAYS available when she wanted to chat about anything and I wasn't during that time(that is my narrative and not hers). Anyways we are to the point where I love her and want to forgive her and she is devastated by what she has done and is surprised I am forgiving her(part of her mental health was that she had done something unforgivable and it had ruined her life and by continuing to talk to this guy she had at least someone who knew and would understand what she was going through). But as a result of this affair, all the memories of our new place remind her of the experience with him. She wants to move back home. I don't. She doesn't think she can make things work here because of the memories. I feel like she got engaged in the online affair so soon that she never gave this place a chance. I want to stay w her because quite frankly I love her and I love her company. She loves mine too we laugh giggle and have a good time and always have. This is so incredibly out of character for her and so destructive. I want to keep my family together but I don't want to move and feel like I shouldn't have to esp since I am the victim. She was 100% in favor of this move and this change. Absolutely no resistance prior to coming here. Just looking for some advice here. Divorce isnt something either of us want, but I am afraid given her self sabotaging motive for this online affair, that she may do it again the second that things get hard again. .This doesn't fit into a lot of cheater boxes, and I really dont know what to do.


This post is getting some pretty dark feedback. I think we are getting a divorce which is terrible for my kids. But there isnt much else we can do.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

married4kids said:


> Just online chat and picture exchanges. To be fair. we exchange lots of sexy stuff between the two of us ALL THE TIME. So, when he needed the relationship to be physical she just sent him stuff she already did or showed me.(I am not really bothered by the actual affair part of all this we normalized this behavior in our relationship and that part is kinda on me) The he would want her to watch him masturbate which she did do. But he never saw her do it because she just wasnt attracted to him. She just needed him to be her crutch while she was here. She did very much like the sexy text exchange with him but since she didn't find him attractive she wasn't into pic stuff. But I could tell immeadiately after it started the path to being inappropriate and sexual she was having issues. Like immediately the dates line up with her being inconsolable with no explanation.


So what happens when she finds a guy online or irl she IS attracted to? And your new area might be the ideal place for her to meet up while you are busy working on the house. 

Why wasnt she helping you with the house instead of watching this guy whack off? I think this telling you she thinks he is ugly is to throw you off track. Does she want to move back so she can carry on with him irl?

Was she getting buffed up for you or fir the “ugly” guy? You had words with him before, was something going on before you moved?

BTW she did it because she wanted to. The answer is always the same


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

married4kids said:


> This post is getting some pretty dark feedback. I think we are getting a divorce which is terrible for my kids. But there isnt much else we can do.


Now you are getting a divorce??


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Now you are getting a divorce??


Yes unfortunately we had a really bad fight and I think that is the only direction we can go after what was said.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

married4kids said:


> This post is getting some pretty dark feedback. I think we are getting a divorce which is terrible for my kids. But there isnt much else we can do.


Yea, TAM infidelity posts can get pretty crazy when a bunch of been-there-done-that people who have been crushed though similar things start trying to help work out the scope & depth plus related issues.

It’s hard to take sometimes but you should consider the collective thoughts before ignoring them (if they don’t apply)

I’m surprised to hear you say “we’re getting divorced”. That’s new isn’t it? Why?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

So neither of you want divorce. Ok.

So here is the minimum to expect. She gives you ALL credentials for all social media. Access to her phone whenever you want, and she gets in counseling. Maybe marriage counseling for both of you.

If she doesn't want to do any of that then she isn't serious about your marriage and I'm afraid to tell you, you should consider divorce then. Either that or succumb to the fact you'll forever have turmoil inside your head about her.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> so if this guy was attactive things could've gone physical with him? and kept it a secret?
> honestly speak, if she said only pictures and text, then there is more.
> 
> just talking means kissing and oral
> ...


fair points I choose to believe her about the extent of the affair. But I did take issue with her lack of trying to get involved here. and this affair visibly took her from other things around here.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, TAM infidelity posts can get pretty crazy when a bunch of been-there-done-that people who have been crushed though similar things start trying to help work out the scope & depth plus related issues.
> 
> It’s hard to take sometimes but you should consider the collective thoughts before ignoring them (if they don’t apply)
> 
> I’m surprised to hear you say “we’re getting divorced”. That’s new isn’t it? Why?


My family said some things that hurt her deeply and she can't recover. It's fine we just need to work out what is best for the kids.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

married4kids said:


> Yes unfortunately we had a really bad fight and I think that is the only direction we can go after what was said.


Well, I don't know what was said, but I can tell you that if you change your mind BACK to wanting to reconcile, you really need to give whatever path you choose your full effort. This is going to be hard work for you either way, reconciling or divorcing, so you need to be ready for that.

Also, you need to remember that the advice you get on here is coming from people who have been cheated on, who have cheated, some are super religious, some believe watching porn is cheating, some are in non-monogamous relationships....ALL kinds of people with all kinds of principles guiding them are here. So you need to take whatever advice helps you, and ignore the rest. Every single thing that gets posted here isn't going to be right or helpful...you need to think about everything you are told and make the best choice FOR YOU.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your family said some things? Do they no about her betrayal? If so, their opinion of her will go WAY down. It would be the same for her family if you betrayed her. So dealing with the shame is part of the deal if you want to save the marriage. Now if she’s not willing to take a few arrows then you have to wonder how deep is her live for you. I’m sure if the tables were turned, you would have apologized to her family and would stand down to take their righteous anger at their daughter/sister being betrayed.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

married4kids said:


> This was helpful insight.


Sounds like she was addicted to the rush of doing something wrong. The fact that he was so below her from a sexual market value point of view probably made her feel extremely powerful. With her major change in behavior and personality during this times really makes it sound like an addiction situation, plug in almost any addiction, drugs, alcohol whatever, you see the same kind of extreme shift in a person in the throw of an addiction. I think serious counseling with a therapist who has experience with addictions could be very helpful. 

Also help her find some productive, healthy activities for her spare time.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

married4kids said:


> My family said some things that hurt her deeply and she can't recover. It's fine we just need to work out what is best for the kids.


You don't have to elaborate, but I'm guessing your family wasn't to keen on her betraying their son or brother, and let her know about it?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> she hit 40 and got in shape thus she was now looking for validation from men other than you because your vote doesn't count because you love her unconditionally, meaning if she had gain weight you would have still love her...but for some reason her self-esteem needed or wanted to be noticed by other men, now why she chose this person, most likely cheaters often cheat downward not upward...if you picked a ugly to talk too, she knew she would never marry him or run off with him, but in the end it wasn't him but the illicit behaviors that she got hooked on too.....she needs therapy


This is profound. Exactly what I believe happened to my ex. The way you put that was concise and accurate. I never thought about it that way. My ex was always concerned about her weight and started diet pills and working out and loved the attention, then started her cheating after 18 years with me and 3 kids. 

OP, your wife is not being truthful about one thing, I suspect: Her feelings for you NOW.
Once a woman gives her emotions to another man, they don’t come back for their spouse.

You are forgiving her and giving her a free pass and telling her you love her and trying to nice her back into loving you. That is the opposite that you should do. File for divorce, act aloof, and force her to either walk away and accept divorce, or work her own way back to you. That’s what she wants—- a man she has to work for. The more you pursue her, the more she will run.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

married4kids said:


> The thing is I'm not really bothered by the cheating. She was 100% honest and we looked at some of the history and it lined up. I am not making excuses for her I am trying to understand the person I have known for many years making a decision that is completely out of character. I also know she didn't have any love for this person. There was never any intent to meet or to take this to the next level. she wanted a friendship and he wanted something more. life just isnt as simple as they cheated and they are evil. That is a grim outlook.


Presumably, you are relying on your wife to supply information re her attraction and other details( this plus some phone history, which, quite clearly may only be part of the communication method). Quaere, what disposes you to believe this information, considering its source?
You know your wife? If someone told you your wife was sending photos and watching a guy beat off, I presume you would be incredulous. Because you" know her" right? Yet, this is precisely what she did( perhaps more).
Is she fleeing now because there is more that may come out if she remains? Was it necessary to get in shape, just to exchange pictures predating her body transformation or to watch a guy beat off?
Very seldom does a cheater come forward, out of the blue, to confess. Confessions are, most often done as a preemptive measure in the face of imminent discovery i.e. the affair partner or his spouse preparing to alert you.
You seem quite anxious to accept as fact information derived from a now admitted liar with the justification that you " know" your wife. Obviously this is not entirely true. You" know" what you think you know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

married4kids said:


> The thing is I'm not really bothered by the cheating. She was 100% honest and we looked at some of the history and it lined up. I am not making excuses for her I am trying to understand the person I have known for many years making a decision that is completely out of character. I also know she didn't have any love for this person. There was never any intent to meet or to take this to the next level. she wanted a friendship and he wanted something more. life just isnt as simple as they cheated and they are evil. That is a grim outlook.


You are wrong. Totally wrong. 100%

she’s not evil. But she did a bad thing snd it’s going to ruin your marriage whether you want it to or not, because she has ruined her feelings for you.
Don’t care that she cheated? Your passive, weak attitude is what is going to contribute to this also.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just read that you were getting a divorce and it’s because of a fight abd that your parents said mean things she can’t get over.

Don’t believe that. It’s a lie. 
she’s fighting with you and wanting to divorce because she cheated and allowed her emotions to grow for this man and for you the inverse. She no longer loves you.
You can’t fix that. Even if she came back, she wouldn’t be the same. 

Yes, sadly you’re probably going to get a divorce. But it’s 100% her fault. The marriage you had fault in, the divorce is all hers because she ruined her feelings for you.

I’m sorry.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Something doesn’t add up here.
Either she really is unstable or Evinrude58 is on the money.

If she’s really that unstable, did you know before this cheating? I mean, how could you not? Leaving you to go back home, divorcing because family doesn’t like her, etc. That level of instability doesn’t happen overnight.

Which makes me thing EV is on to something.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> She did it because she wanted to do it. She likes the attention, that's why she was posting pictures.
> Stop trying to give her excuses for what she did.


She can’t fix herself there’s a high chance she’ll do it again.
A cheaters go to excuse
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read that you were getting a divorce and it’s because of a fight abd that your parents said mean things she can’t get over.
> 
> Don’t believe that. It’s a lie.
> she’s fighting with you and wanting to divorce because she cheated and allowed her emotions to grow for this man and for you the inverse. She no longer loves you.
> ...


I have to agree with Evin that it seems that you don’t have the full story and that she was in deeper with this guy than you realize. 
A woman telling her friend that the guy she was betraying you with is ugly does not mean she wasn’t into him. I know some women will disagree but on the whole, looks are not as important as it is to us men. A guy’s confidence, swag, and social status are all way more important to a woman.

Evin is also right that once a woman starts to give her body and heart to another man, she detaches from her husband. After D day, it’s VERY hard to get her to be into her husband again, which is why a woman being unfaithful is more often fatal to a marriage than man’s betrayal.

Your easy forgiveness, without any consequences will make things even worse. It is making you seem very weak to her inner animal brain and women despise weak men. She won’t say it but she can’t control her subconscious mind. The other man to her is bold, willing to go after what he wants. Ugly bold dude wins the girl over fearful pretty boy any day of the week.

I have to ask, why all of a sudden are you both willing to throw in the towel on your marriage? 17 years and 3 kids and now you’re divorcing over her not being able to take any criticism. I think if you dig deep, you will find that she’s no longer in love with you and wants to go back to her old stomping grounds to take her new body for a spin around the singles block. Besides what is so bad about the new house that she feels it’s desecrated if all she did was take some nudes? Unless there was more done than you realize.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

married4kids said:


> Just online chat and picture exchanges. To be fair. we exchange lots of sexy stuff between the two of us ALL THE TIME. he would want her to watch him masturbate which she did do. *But he never saw her do it because she just wasnt attracted to him. * She just needed him to be her crutch while she was here. *She did very much like the sexy text exchange with him but since she didn't find him attractive she wasn't into pic stuff.* But I could tell immeadiately after it started the path to being inappropriate and sexual she was having issues. Like immediately the dates line up with her being inconsolable with no explanation.


op, do you really believe this. The mathematics don’t compute. She loved sending him pictures and no guy wants to send masturbation videos if he’s not getting them back. 
She was sending pictures and videos if he was. She’s just not admitting it. And you don’t want to believe it.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

The whole wanting to leave the house is weird specially over an online affair


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

married4kids said:


> yeah that is where I am struggling.


She needs to be in IC now


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I've said it before so,I'll say it again. Social media platforms are the worse thing ever to happen to relationships and society in general. If you're posting pics of your body online, you're essentially casting a net to see what you can catch.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> she hit 40 and got in shape thus she was now looking for validation from men other than you because your vote doesn't count because you love her unconditionally, meaning if she had gain weight you would have still love her...but for some reason her self-esteem needed or wanted to be noticed by other men, now why she chose this person, most likely cheaters often cheat downward not upward...if you picked a ugly to talk too, she knew she would never marry him or run off with him, but in the end it wasn't him but the illicit behaviors that she got hooked on too.....she needs therapy


yes this !!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

scatty said:


> She watched him masturbate but wasn't attracted to him??? No...
> She wants to spend some time in old place? A compromise? So she wants to spend some time at old place? Where does loverboy live? So many BAD memories of her sending this creep pics, watching him jerk off...poor thing!!! I am a 49 yo woman and this sounds ridiculous! Your fault??? Were boundaries so loose in your marriage that this seems like NO BIG DEAL?!?! Then why post about it, let her go back, continue her "breakdown", and be the chump. Maybe invite him for coffee???
> 
> Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


ouch but so true


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read that you were getting a divorce and it’s because of a fight abd that your parents said mean things she can’t get over.
> 
> Don’t believe that. It’s a lie.
> she’s fighting with you and wanting to divorce because she cheated and allowed her emotions to grow for this man and for you the inverse. She no longer loves you.
> ...


This. OP, you are being fed a line. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Among other things, in the context of marriage, your wife was/is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacked empathy for you.

Her response after confessing seems to be me, me, me and me. Including her being offended by your relatives.

She may not like the person that cheated - but she's still thinking like a wayward.

In addition, studies show that the thrill from sexting is addictive. It hits the same parts of the brain as drugs. She is now addicted and it's not something she can just walk away from.

You need to think of her as an addict - that needs help.

She needs to read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald.
It's a short easy read and a must!

Under the circumstances, sex is not the only reason to divorce. Another frequent reason is the destruction of trust. And it takes years to rebuild. And it's a tremendous amount of work for your wife.

Moving back home is not going to fix her (not for you or the next partner). 

Among other things, She needs therapy with a specialist in infidelity.

And she needs to provide you with a plan to rebuild your trust. Because of her behavior she will be judged on her actions not her promises. And she doesn't get to say: "trust me I won't do it again".


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It sounds like a mid-life crisis that got WAY out of hand. Expecting you to move is just more of her being a “taker,” like you said. She wants a fresh start with no memories of the awful thing she did.

I get that you want to move on, but this isn’t on you to fix. She needs to fix herself and show some serious remorse. If the house makes her feel bad, it’s her fault and she deserves to feel bad. Everyone ages, everyone has to deal with it and she needs to grow up and stop being one of the children in your marriage. She owes you that, and needs to stop making demands. She’s in no position to demand anything.


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## married4kids (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It sounds like a mid-life crisis that got WAY out of hand. Expecting you to move is just more of her being a “taker,” like you said. She wants a fresh start with no memories of the awful thing she did.
> 
> I get that you want to move on, but this isn’t on you to fix. She needs to fix herself and show some serious remorse. If the house makes her feel bad, it’s her fault and she deserves to feel bad. Everyone ages, everyone has to deal with it and she needs to grow up and stop being one of the children in your marriage. She owes you that, and needs to stop making demands. She’s in no position to demand anything.


I agree on mid life crisis. I am shutting down responses to this mainly because they are so negative and unhelpful. I will say that the idea of once a cheater always a cheater is too pessimistic a view. I am certainly not taking a weak view or being taken advantage of. She needs to grow up and figure out the person she wants to be and if she can be that person then maybe we can make it work. Also she cannot contact this other person there are lawyers involved. It is 100% not possible without facing legal ramifications(details are not important it just isn't an avenue). So I have 0 worries about her contacting that person and she appears to have kicked the habit of texting. I have access to her social media accounts but she's basically let them go dormant because she's just so disconnected from herself. No sending or receiving anything she's just kind of dead inside she is gonna get her self right and then we will figure everything out. I will post an update in he months ahead. I appreciate the constructive comments. This will be my last response from here for a while.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

married4kids said:


> I agree on mid life crisis. I am shutting down responses to this mainly because they are so negative and unhelpful. I will say that the idea of once a cheater always a cheater is too pessimistic a view. I am certainly not taking a weak view or being taken advantage of. She needs to grow up and figure out the person she wants to be and if she can be that person then maybe we can make it work. Also she cannot contact this other person there are lawyers involved. It is 100% not possible without facing legal ramifications(details are not important it just isn't an avenue). So I have 0 worries about her contacting that person and she appears to have kicked the habit of texting. I have access to her social media accounts but she's basically let them go dormant because she's just so disconnected from herself. No sending or receiving anything she's just kind of dead inside she is gonna get her self right and then we will figure everything out. I will post an update in he months ahead. I appreciate the constructive comments. This will be my last response from here for a while.


you think these legal ramifications are going to make her love you again?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

married4kids said:


> I agree on mid life crisis. I am shutting down responses to this mainly because they are so negative and unhelpful. I will say that the idea of once a cheater always a cheater is too pessimistic a view. I am certainly not taking a weak view or being taken advantage of. She needs to grow up and figure out the person she wants to be and if she can be that person then maybe we can make it work. Also she cannot contact this other person there are lawyers involved. It is 100% not possible without facing legal ramifications(details are not important it just isn't an avenue). So I have 0 worries about her contacting that person and she appears to have kicked the habit of texting. I have access to her social media accounts but she's basically let them go dormant because she's just so disconnected from herself. No sending or receiving anything she's just kind of dead inside she is gonna get her self right and then we will figure everything out. I will post an update in he months ahead. I appreciate the constructive comments. This will be my last response from here for a while.


Best of luck OP, sorry the comments weren't to your liking.

Read some of the other stories, especially ones with similar beginnings... and watch how they shift overtime...

You obviously don't have to post anymore, but consider coming back, there are a lot of folks that are just trying to help based on relevant similar experience.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP you indicated you did well financially.
That being true, if you’ve been married to her ten years or so, the only ramifications she really can face will cost you half your wealth.
The problem is not that she might cheat again, it’s that she already has. A woman totally in love with her husband doesn’t typically cheat. But 100% of spouses that cheat lose feelings for their betrayed spouse. If she were still in love with you, this is easily fixed. If she was, you’d have never come here.

I sincerely hope that I’m all wrong and that you are able to repair the damage. Yes, I’m pessimistic (negative).

I look forward to your positive update and wish you all the best.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Pretty quick progression from online affair to lawyers‘ involvement.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For future reference — don’t involve family or friends in your marital problems unless you are 100% not reconciling. You may forgive your spouse but they aren’t likely to for a long time (if ever).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Theres just plenty of weirdness here that doesn’t make sense to me.
With both OP and WW.

Lawyers keeping WW from OM?
I can think of a few threads here where BS could use that trick.

I guess I’ll just wait for updates.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It is obvious that your wife wants to leave you. There's no coming back from that.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

thunderchad said:


> It is obvious that your wife wants to leave you. There's no coming back from that.


Something is not right. What you post OP is incomplete and in my opinion inconsistent. Let her go! Get a life and thrive. Living like you are is not right.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i too agree that you were not told the full story--as in there may have been more men involved, maybe other women, maybe physical contacts....

and it might be deeper than both of your think. I am not sure i would call her acts depression driven, but maybe bipolar? she may even have multiple personalities.
i would get her some psychiatric help. let a professional sort out her behavior and "depression".

her "i do not know why i did it" and the bizarre behavior--that is more than just her being bored.

and i especially do not think she was not sexually thrilled by all of this maybe she did not send him video of her masturbating, but it is highly likely she masturbated to her actions maybe while offline.

try to find the psychiatric reason she did all that, see if there is a cure, and THEN decide what you want to do (reconcile, divorce, etc).

i agree that sex chatting with this guy, if you do not find that all that objecitonable, is NOT a clear indicator that you need to divorce. its the odd details that are not adding up that are the real problem. there is more to the story, we are just not sure what it is yet.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Don’t move, no matter what happens. Stay put.

I had an ex friend, I say Ex, because she was also always constantly mentioning some ugly guy online and acting out and also lying to us. She too ended up hospitalised more than once. Also made her husband move after every breakdown, they moved three times. I won’t give more details, but she quickly became an ex friend, I’m not sure what ever become of her but I do hear she’s still married and he’s still indulging in her hobbies.

Don’t move!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

how was the sex, btw?
was she really horny and kinky, and you refused any strange sex from her?
Have you seen any indication that she has really kinky sexual needs, like she wanted you to tie her up and dominate her?

there had to be a lot of sexual gratification from video chatting with this guy. not all doms are hot looking...they are strict, and make the woman do things....which would be what a submissive woman is craving.

in other words, the type of sex she needs might have changed, and you were not able to provide it to her for whatever reason, so she went looking for it elsewhere.

that might be the thing that is missing from the odd behavior she exhibited: she was in a dom/sub relationship with this guy. she only told you it was conversation and watching him masturbate, but it might have been a whole alternate sex relationship.

did she suddenly refuse to give you certain types of sex? as in NO PIV sex anymore, just BJs? Maybe she was doing what her dom ordered her to do


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Shes depressed because she probably feels trapped, lonely, and bored. I also suspect disappointment in not being able to meet up with this other guy. The heart wants what the heart wants op, and it ain't you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Benbutton said:


> Shes depressed because she probably feels trapped, lonely, and bored. I also suspect disappointment in not being able to meet up with this other guy. The heart wants what the heart wants op, and it ain't you.


maybe. but that would be a "normal" cheater.

i suspect there is more going on here.
Hey lets give the OP some hope that the right mood leveler pill from a shrink might actually fix her


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Theres just plenty of weirdness here that doesn’t make sense to me.
> With both OP and WW.
> 
> Lawyers keeping WW from OM?
> ...


Yeah the whole story isn't being told here. 

OP did you ever cheat on her?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

married4kids said:


> The thing is I'm not really bothered by the cheating.


Why the eff aren't you?

You made comments about him not being good looking and you're minimizing all of this way too much OP.

The next guy she does with might look like a male model. If so, would you still say you weren't bothered by her cheating?

Cheating is cheating just like abuse is abuse.

I can't fathom not being bothered by one's spouse who cheated.

I don't care that it was just electronically, she gave herself to another man and that's supposed to only be for you, unless the two of you agree, have an open relationship, are swingers etc. and you made no mention of any of those things so she cheated, she did things for and with another man and who is to say she won't in the future?

If you don't move and she gets down about it, is she going to reach out to some other man online again? Before you say no, she already has done this, you know she can.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

So you know the guy she online cheated with, and she wants to move back home. 

I assume if you know the guy, he lives in the city where "home" is?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

married4kids said:


> I agree on mid life crisis. I am shutting down responses to this mainly because they are so negative and unhelpful. I will say that the idea of once a cheater always a cheater is too pessimistic a view. I am certainly not taking a weak view or being taken advantage of. She needs to grow up and figure out the person she wants to be and if she can be that person then maybe we can make it work. Also she cannot contact this other person there are lawyers involved. It is 100% not possible without facing legal ramifications(details are not important it just isn't an avenue). So I have 0 worries about her contacting that person and she appears to have kicked the habit of texting. I have access to her social media accounts but she's basically let them go dormant because she's just so disconnected from herself. No sending or receiving anything she's just kind of dead inside she is gonna get her self right and then we will figure everything out. I will post an update in he months ahead. I appreciate the constructive comments. This will be my last response from here for a while.


Truth is often unpleasant and inconvenient. Ignoring it or labelling it as pessimistic will not server you if you truly want to move forward. 

You have control or at least the illusion of such for the moment. She can always get a burner phone or find a work around to whatever monitoring or restrictions you have in place. Even you have to sleep and direct your attention elsewhere. Opportunity will always be there. If she cannot have one AP she can always find another.

Good luck regardless you will likely need it.


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