# I know you guys are sick of me but...



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I think I am figuring it out... slowly but surely.



I honestly know what my biggest struggle is in it all. I have this fantasy I put in my head. Maybe it’s all the movies made and people making cheating “ok” but I think that for me I have it in my head that I was his second choice. That he has wanted her from childhood. Because they have known each other from 8th grade. She has been with his friend from I think 9th. So in my head maybe cause I am a women, I think oh he was like I have wanted this all these years. And here is my chance.. So here I am in a struggle of all these years feeling second best. Second option. He is here cause he can’t have her, and that’s why he talked her into kissing her again... this is where no matter how many times he tells me for some reason I made up my mind it’s this and well here I am.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"And so on.. so he decided he was going to kiss her again to see if they had anything and if basically he loved me."

You're where you are because your husband would have taken a hike if there had been fireworks on her part. She shut it down so he slunk back to you. When a man loves a woman he doesn't need to test his love by kissing other women. You know this. 

That was the best excuse your dolt of a husband could come up with at the time. How pathetic. Hope you're no longer friends with the woman - her husband cheats on her so she thinks stabbing you in the back is warranted. Frankly, she and your husband deserve each other.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> "And so on.. so he decided he was going to kiss her again to see if they had anything and if basically he loved me."
> 
> You're where you are because your husband would have taken a hike if there had been fireworks on her part. She shut it down so he slunk back to you. When a man loves a woman he doesn't need to test his love by kissing other women. You know this.
> 
> That was the best excuse your dolt of a husband could come up with at the time. How pathetic. Hope you're no longer friends with the woman - her husband cheats on her so she thinks stabbing you in the back is warranted. Frankly, she and your husband deserve each other.



So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


Not at the time they are cheating. Think about it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


No. Sadly many (most?) of them do but they just have to try for that extra slice of cake, even if they know it's bad for them.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Not at the time they are cheating. Think about it.


Actually, I did. That's what really messed me up to the point of requiring medication.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


Who the hell CARES if they love their spouse?

They are cheaters.

They are not worth wasting another moment or thought on.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Who the hell CARES if they love their spouse?
> 
> They are cheaters.
> 
> They are not worth wasting another moment or thought on.


Which reduces the whole debate to a simplistic "blah."

No chance of reconciliation, no forgiveness. Just punishment.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Okay so everyone here is basically like eff all cheaters. No positive chat. Noted.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, I did. That's what really messed me up to the point of requiring medication.


Yes, you did. And, that's why you couldn't follow through.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Okay so everyone here is basically like eff all cheaters. No positive chat. Noted.


You're looking for answers and the only person who can provide those answers is your husband. He gave you a ridiculous reason for his cheating and it is still bothering you. It will continue to bother you because it doesn't make sense. He needs to really examine his whys. Maybe he thinks he is protecting your feelings or just covering his ass; but, he needs to get to why he thought blowing up your world was worth exploring whether another woman had feelings for him. Or, he could be prone to further exploration in the future.

Remember that love is action and not just words. Did his actions speak of his love for you?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


Of course they don't, or they wouldn't cheat??




dontworrybehappy said:


> Okay so everyone here is basically like eff all cheaters. No positive chat. Noted.


What could possibly be positive about cheating???


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

frusdil said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?
> ...



You can always try to see the good in bad right? Or you can get consumed in the bad. It’s our choice. And it’s easy to spit negative, harmful remarks over the net. But face to face nahhhhh that **** get fake AF be real don’t be a *+=^#


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

dontworrybehappy said:


> You can always try to see the good in bad right? Or you can get consumed in the bad. It’s our choice. And it’s easy to spit negative, harmful remarks over the net. But face to face nahhhhh that **** get fake AF be real don’t be a *+=^#


Instead of lashing out at the good folks trying to help, dish it out to Mr. KissyFace.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > You can always try to see the good in bad right? Or you can get consumed in the bad. It’s our choice. And it’s easy to spit negative, harmful remarks over the net. But face to face nahhhhh that **** get fake AF be real don’t be a *+=^#
> ...



I guess I view help differently. And I am not lashing out smh.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


That is correct. :wink2:



MattMatt said:


> Which reduces the whole debate to a simplistic "blah."
> 
> No chance of reconciliation, no forgiveness. Just punishment.


As it should be.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I don’t remember your story, but will try to read through it a bit later.

I know quite a few couples whose marriages survived an affair, and they _appeared_ to move on and lead a happy life.

I know some betrayed spouses that forgave only to be cheated on again (and some again and again and again.)

Lastly, I know more that divorced over infidelity. For a lot this is the best choice. That being said, divorce is very difficult in its own right, especially with children involved. 

There are always a lot of factors and it isn’t always as black and white when you are staring it in the face. You have to do what is best for you, and for your kids. Also, you have to know what you can live with and endure in regard to all of the second guessing for the rest of your life that being cheated on causes.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you are on here looking for excuses. I know it’s painful but you have to keep confronting him till you are satisfied. If he is not willing to help you get over this then you have your answer, no he does not love you


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So basically every person that cheats does not love there spouse?


Correct, in the majority case. They neither love, nor respect, their spouse. They are self-centered people who feel entitled to get their ego stroked at their spouse's expense.

I think, in a very low percentage of cases, there are one-time cheaters. People who basically did not know of the extreme damage they are going to do, of that expense upon their spouse, until they've done it. They are deceived about cheating, by having watched so many people involved in it, and allow themselves to believe there's no penalty, or that they can "get away" with it. 

In the aftermath, these people see what they caused, repent of the ungodly attitudes which caused them to cheat, and never cheat again.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's not about punishment, or eff them.....

It's about the person who is supposed to love, honor, and cherish you doing just the opposite of that. What are the positives? 

It's about self-preservation, not being a doormat, not being someone's Plan B. 

It sounds like you feel like Plan B. How is that ok? How is there anything positive in that? What in the world can either you or he ever do to make you not Plan B any more????? I am not able to figure out how you can "un-be" Plan B.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Okay so everyone here is basically like eff all cheaters. No positive chat. Noted.


Honestly, recovering with a cheater is VERY HARD. Why? Because in most cases, the person who cheats is someone who's willing to harm the person they vowed to love and protect. That ability doesn't usually just go away. So you're dealing with someone who doesn't really love you, he loves being WITH you (and someone else). 

Every once in a while, someone just falls into an affair, hates doing it, and gets out as fast as they can, and will make sure they never get put in that position again. I give those guys a break. Is that what you have?

I've seen fewer than 10 marriages in my 20 years giving advice who have recovered and had a decent marriage. That's 10 out of probably 4000 people who come here. Think about it.

Now, if you DO have one of those miracle guys who gets it, who's utterly remorseful, who'll answer all of your questions without reservation, will take all the guilt and responsibility, even admit to others how he hurt you, and who makes it his duty to make it up to you...then I'll say go for it. You have a good shot at reconciliation.

Do you have that?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> I am not able to figure out how you can "un-be" Plan B.


The only way I've seen in 20 years is for you to walk away and then make him PROVE himself to you before you'll consider giving him a second chance. Make him prove why he deserves that second chance.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I do confront him a lot. Not so much anymore. 

But if he “loved” or “lusted” her wouldn’t he feel like an ass trying to convince her to kiss and she said NO. Like he literally had to talk her into it. Then months later she said as drink and said yo him “I could kiss you right now but I am not going to” and he said “good I don’t want you to” if he was that into her why wouldn’t he? At that point why not... I don’t know?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh my god, still on this?? Just divorce the man!


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh my god, still on this?? Just divorce the man!


Yes...and take half the stuff.
What is she waiting on?
In the end OP, What's the best case scenario if everything went exactly as you wanted?
What would you have left? What would it look like? 
We all try to polish a turd every now and then.....


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I think I am figuring it out... slowly but surely.
> 
> 
> 
> I honestly know what my biggest struggle is in it all. I have this fantasy I put in my head. Maybe it’s all the movies made and people making cheating “ok” but I think that for me I have it in my head that I was his second choice. That he has wanted her from childhood. Because they have known each other from 8th grade. She has been with his friend from I think 9th. So in my head maybe cause I am a women, I think oh he was like I have wanted this all these years. And here is my chance.. So here I am in a struggle of all these years feeling second best. Second option. He is here cause he can’t have her, and that’s why he talked her into kissing her again... this is where no matter how many times he tells me for some reason I made up my mind it’s this and well here I am.


Cheaters lie to cover up their cheating. Then they lie
some more to cover up their other lies. Do they love their 
SO while their cheating, some do some don't. They may love 
their stable life and family but want something else. Can you
recover from cheating, yes. Depends on a lot of things, remorse,
regret, no more lies and takes a lot of time. 

Enough about the cheater, what about you? You should not be
feeling this way. What do you want moving forward in your life ?
He may or may not have wanted her since 8th grade, she is with 
his friend since 9th grade. He talked her kissing him again. Sounds 
like a big ole mess to me. You deserve better and should go find it.

This is not about him and her or the mess they are making.
She may or may not be cheating on his friend. This is about you
and what you want.

Make it about you and your happiness from now on.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Spicy said:


> There are always a lot of factors and it isn’t always as black and white when you are staring it in the face. You have to do what is best for you, and for your kids.


Yep. It's not a one-size-fits-all. People on here have called me weak, "not a real man", "afraid" etc. A person who can accurately predict bad consequences from his contemplated action, and chooses to not take the action, is not acting out of weakness, fear, or being effeminate. He is operating out of wisdom, and applying wisdom to the welfare of himself and his family.

It's now 33 years since I chose to not divorce. I have thought about it every way imaginable, and I still know that I chose rightly. It was not a choice between "bad" and "good", it was between "bad" and "worse".

What's more important, I believe God was pleased with how I chose.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sa58 said:


> Make it about you and your happiness from now on.


You and your kids. Period. From a certain point onward, NOTHING was about her anymore.


----------

