# Hurt, Recovering



## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

This is all very fresh, as it was only last week that I found out for sure.
I apologize in advanced, I'm an aspiring scientist, and am as a result very detail oriented. I believe that if I cannot say what I mean, I can't mean what I say. So here goes....


My wife and I married this past May, we had a rather rushed and unromantic honeymoon in Miami where we both were settling off the high tide of stress from planning the wedding.

The previous October she had transfered to a new store to work at, where she met him, a subordinate. At first he was mean to her, coming in hours late, giving her a hard time, something that he would later openly admit was all to "test her limits."
months later they became friends. I thought nothing of it, I never had any intentions of bowing to my own jealousy, figuring that it is just a kind of natural instinctive response, and needed to be controlled for both of our sakes.

Well, their friendship became stronger. She started to describe him as her "Best friend" He was always very quiet around me, but when he did speak, he was very self-depreciating. to me it seemed like he was just another hapless guy who needed the validation of someone to tell him that he wasn't as pathetic as he claimed outloud to be. He was a 21 year old highschool drop-out who spent all of his free time playing WOW (with the exception of this Enigmatic weekly convention of he and his friends called 'Monday Night") while living with his mom.

Seemed pretty straight forward. My wife is an exceptionally empathetic person, she cares about people, even those who she shouldn't. She's a good Christian woman, strong willed, sure of herself, and willing to give the shirt off her back to anyone who seems like they need it, if they ask or not.

This guy came was at first not going to come to our wedding, for reasons undisclosed, and then showed up anyway, wearing a red bandanna across his forehead, dressed like a biker. It was odd, but it was not too out of character for him. I will always remember the way he shook my hand following the ceremony and commencement of the reception, he gave me a death-grip and a stern look, while congratulating me. There was something hauntingly off about the encounter. 

Months later, University academics kind of started to hit me hard, so I reduced my work hours and spoke with my wife about finding a roommate. I had my brother or sister in mind, she wanted him to move in with us. She was very insistent without being overly pushy. She eventually just made the decision and proceeded accordingly without really giving me a true say-so.

Well, then he started losing weight, a lot of it. I was concerned he might have an eating disorder, not that I would know of course, he never really talked to me.
When the three of us were in a room, he would almost never make eye contact with me, and almost always even if talking in response to my prompt, face and talk directly to my wife.
I talked with my wife about my increasing concern, she told me not to be jealous and that everything would be fine.
I knew already though. I knew they were doing something, being it purely emotional or worse. I just didn't want to face it.

Well, last week all the pieces came together and the cards went down when I found out from my wife that she had attended one of these 'Monday night" hangouts. (Mostly made up of nudist "Bears" and "Furries" [you just can't make this stuff up]) She went nude, as they all usually do. This had been something she had told me previously that she never did.
So I asked her outright if she ever slept with the roommate.
She cried, she admitted to it. She told me that it had been over for months and that she felt trapped with him on our apartment lease. She begged and wailed for my forgiveness. We have talked many times since about what happened. She didn't tell me everything all at once, out of concern for my feelings.
They had slept together and maintained a sexual relationship for a few months, their emotional affair coupled with "touching" beginning even before our wedding. Even such a damning little detail that he was actually pretty good.

I have to admit, I was feeling pretty lost and hopeless. Empty, Cold. I don't play the victim well. But I felt like our entire $30k 1.5 year planned wedding was all a sham. I still do. How much can those vows have really meant to her?

You see, my wife was sexually molested when she was 8 years old by one of her mother's boyfriends, whom they had to continue to live with for weeks due to a financial inability to survive otherwise. A situation that until I was forced to live with the man my wife had an affair with, I never thought I could imagine. She's not a naive person, but because of her caring nature she is naive to people who play the pitty game. This guy was a self-proclaimed manipulator. After I found out she stayed as far away from him as she could. The longer she stayed away from him the angrier she became at herself, at him and at the situation. She recalls times when even after they broke it off he would demand her to "Just hug me" to "Just kiss me" And she would feel compelled to. She recalled a hundred little warning signs that he was using her and that she was being emotionally manipulated. How he would always make her feel guilty for spending time with me, or NOT spending time with him. How he would threaten to regress back to his pitiful ways if she ever stopped talking to him. How tired and drained she would feel after talking with him, without any particular reason as to why. and How black and white he wanted their relationship. "I want you entirely or not at all." 

As much as i know he manipulated her, she knew to a small extent what was going on. She wanted to not feel dominated. She is "Ms. Independent" who didn't want to lose her sense of self becoming "Mrs. Independent," so she let this happen. It was her own selfish way of marking herself as not dominated. though there came a point where she didn't care anymore and she wanted to preserve our marriage. She never wanted me to find out because she didn't want to lose me. But she also didn't realize just how tipped the scale of "Friend vs manipulator" her relationship with this guy became.

I was enraged, I acted out of rationality and out of childish macho-ism. I Presented him with a roommate release form dated the same day, pre-signed by me and my wife. Demanded that he sign it and be out of the apartment by the end of the month, to where we didn't care. He knew that neither of us (Me or my wife) wanted a further confrontation, so he dominated the apartment, knowing it would deter us from freely moving about it and confronting him. He called her at work, stopped by her job, telling her how powerless I make him feel and how sad he is and all his emotions. He told her that he doesn't want me to tell him who he can and can't be friends with and that it's not fair to him or her. He made no visible plans to move out, and even presented his bi-weekly rent payment. She didn't want to be alone with him, not out of fear of personal danger, but of his manipulative grasp, because she knew that she would be made to feel the need to preserve their friendship. She stayed at a hotel one night that I was at work, just to avoid him. that was the final straw. I left work early, enjoyed pizza in the hotel room with her and we plotted our next moves.
We confronted him that night together, she did most of the talking. Reiterated that their relationship is over and that he needs to leave. After that he packed some basics and left ~10 min later throwing me a nasty stare.
I reminded him that I was being remarkably calm and collected about this mess and that my continued serenity was contingent on his full and uncontested cooperation.

He moved the last of his stuff out Tuesday, I missed class to supervise. He has not tried to contact either of us since.

She and I have talked at length, she has sobbed, I have sobbed, we've identified why it happened, and have vowed to each other to do everything we can to repair our marriage. She promises that it will/could never happen again. We have both prayed for strength and the courage to carry on. We plan on renewing our vows this may on our 1 year anniversary, then taking a second honeymoon. Not sure how practical it all is, but I feel that if we don't do anything to account for the time frame this took place in, we can't really consider ourselves spiritually married.


We're not telling our friends or family, and we're still trying to cope with the knowledge of all that's happened. Of how she selfishly allowed herself a strike of sexual immaturity, and it lead to her being used and manipulated, and me feeling the most heart-wrenching of betrayals.
It's tough, I don't know how everyone else does it. But with the grace of God, the Love I have for my wife and the Love she has for me... we will get through this.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I've had no third party to fully confide in, and feel that just writing this all down has been very therapeutic.


Advice and Comments are always welcomed.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I am sorry to hear about this happening. I applaud your self restraint and self control in not physically throwing him out of the apartment, through one of the windows as I would be tempted to do.

It's going to take some time for everything to be on track with you and your wife again. I would recommend some form of counseling to help in rooting out any more underlying issues. Counselors have a knack for identifying issues that we may not know are there.

God bless and the best of luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So she says sex with him stopped months ago, but she goes to a nudist party with him on Monday. Does that really sound plausible to you? Was it a swingers party? And can you believe that she didn't partake? I think you need to dig a little deeper. Also you blame him for being possessive and manipulative. Dude, he was an equal sex partner with you regarding your wife and probably looked at her like he had as much right to her as you. IT WAS YOUR WIFE WHO GAVE HIM THAT AUTHORITY. Or do you disagree?


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

No no, "Monday Night" is what they call this weekly gathering of Nudist Bears and Furries.
She only went once, and that was back in October.

I agree. She had an idea as to what was going on, and she allowed it to happen. I don't think she was fully aware of his intentions, because he wanted either her to leave me or me to leave her.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

Update: I bought two copies of "Surviving an Affair" today, and explained to my wife that I thought it would be a good idea if we each read the book.
She is very into using books for relationship advice, a big fan of "The rules" and similar books.
She was not very excited to here about this.

Every time I bring up even the fact that this happened at all, she gets very sad and numb-sounding. If I represent how Hurt I am by all of this she breaks out sobbing. I don't enjoy seeing her hurt. I keep feeling that i should bottle away any feelings I have because every time I express myself it causes her such distress. and i can't bear to see that, despite all that's happened.
She feels like she's losing a friend, and has even once implied that despite what has happened she may at a subconscious level grow to resent the fact that I am forcing her to end her friendship with the OM.

I don't know what to do. I want to forgive and move on, but I don't want to carry on as though nothing happened running the risk that she is going to harbor negative feelings.
I want her to fully understand why it is that we can't have the OM in our lives to any extent... I don't want to broach the subject and it cause any more pain though...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You forgave her to quick, or are forgiving her to quick. She wants everything swept under the rug, except for the fact that you are making her end her friendship with the POSOM. So help me understand this. She gets to skrew this guy and you get forgive her. You make her end her friendship and she holds a grudge. Chiggity, wake up. She was doing this guy b4 and after you were married. Do you want to save your marriage? If you do, then you need to out her to friends and family, She needs to feel their shame and anger. Especially her parents. She needs to be sent to live with them. You need to separate accounts. SHE HAS TO WORK HER WAY BACK TO YOU. UNDERSTAND? You think you are being forgiving, what you are being is a dupe. The easier you forgive her the easier it will be able to cheat again. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. IF YOU WANT HER TO LOVE YOU, YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOURSELF.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

She already feels the shame and anger I have had. This ended months ago, and I'm not sure that exposing her shame to those around us is going to help do anything other than make both of us feel even more ashamed of all this.
I'm trying to see things from her view, understand why this happened, and take steps to make sure it never happens again. I'm not simply rolling over and letting this go, but I am trying to heal both of us past it. Through my discussions with her I know she feels a deep sense of regret and a great relief no longer living under the burden and with the POSOM. Her head is clear of his influence now, and things are getting better.

I don't want to forgive her too quickly though, and run the chance that this will ever happen again, but I don't want to renig on the progress we've already made, and I certainly don't want to take any steps backwards on the recovery path. I can't stand to see her hurt, despite what's happened. I don't think that makes me a dupe, but I do know that it makes me less apathetic to her than I should be right now.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

Ok, after reading through some of the other threads, I understand what you meant, initfortheduration.

I still don't think it is 100% appropriate for my situation though, as the affair is over, and she is becoming more and more resentful of this OM (Who I fully agree is a POS).

I've had many talks with her, and she swears to be fully committed to restoring our marriage, and never again speaking to him.

I don't think that exposing the Affair is going to do any good at this point...


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

What proof do you have that she has not been in contact with him? Cheaters lie. My wife told me the same thing over and over that she resented him. I had evidence to the contrary and she eventually stopped with that lie. Get evidence it is over before you write anything off.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

I've been monitoring her Email/Facebook/Myspace and Phone records daily (She is not aware of this). She's called me or answered when I call her readily after work every day.
I suppose there is no way to be 100% sure that she isn't still seeing him. But I feel confident that she isn't.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Chiggity~
After reviewing your post and assuming that the facts are in order roughly as you present them, I agree that exposure is not the step to take here. Remember, the concept of exposure is to end an active affair. The steps are: 

1) Gather evidence sufficient to prove to yourself that it is happening. If you catch a disloyal naked and "in the act" they will tell you "It's not what it looks like" so they will most usually deny it no matter what evidence you have. The goal is to convince the loyal spouse it wasn't "just their imagination" or "being jealous"--YOU HAVE DONE THIS STEP. 

2) What I call C-D-E: Confront, Disclose, Expose. *Confront *her directly and ask her to stop. Indicate you have evidence that has convinced you that something inappropriate was occurring and give the chance to stop now, have no further contact with the OM EVER, and give you passwords, etc. to verify there is no contact. If the disloyal takes you up on it, no need to go to D or E. *Disclose *would be to go to one "authority figure" in the disloyal's life--someone they think highly of and might listen to who is going to encourage them to stop and return to the marriage. Some possible candidates are a pastor, parent, employer, teacher or maybe just an older friend/mentor. You and the one person again offer the chance to stop now, never contact the OM again, and give passwords to verify. If the disloyal takes you up on it, no need to go to E. *Exposure *is no longer keeping the affair a secret and letting people know who will likely be affected by the ripple effects of this damage. A typical list might be parents, family, siblings, friends, pastor, both employers, both co-workers, neighbors--not that you tell ALL those people but rather those who will encourage her to end the affair and return home and who might offer you support and encouragement as you go through this long journey. C-D-E and the goal is always the same: bring the affair to the light of day so it's no longer a secret, let the fantasy end and break the back of the affair. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS STEP (from what you report)

Now you don't have to do particularly "Carrot and Stick" nor "Consequences" stages because the affair is over! * What do you do?
*
Well I would recommend beginning your recovery and reconciliation in these ways: 1) Do the "Carrot" part of "Carrot and Stick." Both of you learn about your personality type by taking the Jung Myers-Briggs Personality Test. This will actually explain a lot by itself! You'll see where you're compatible, where you're not and why, and what your personality strengths and weaknesses are, etc. AND you may each identify things about yourself you can work on to be a better human. Next I recommend that you both fill out a LoveBusters Questionnaire by Marriagebuilders. This questionnaire will identify some of the actions that have slowly extinguished the love in your marriage and made it vulnerable to the "attack" of an affair. You would fill out the things she did that hurt you, and likewise she would fill out the things you did to hurt her. THEN you agree to share this questionnaire honestly and with an open heart to hearing your part in this. Give you spouse the safe place to be honest, but also don't be blaming and stuff here. She can't stop doing it if you don't tell her--and likewise you can't know for sure what hurt her if you don't man up and tell her. So be honest but be kind, and end by saying, "I'll think about what you've said" and then actually think about it and figure out how to change that bad behavior! Third, I'd say to take the Love Kindler Questionnaire. This will identify what you need in a relationship and "how much" and to a degree "in what way" and once you can understand that in yourself, set aside time to talk to each other about it. You can say, "Well honey I took this quiz and discovered I need XYZ and I'd like to request that you do it this way" and she can likewise tell you and request how she'd like it. Then the goal is to work on adding the kindlers to your wife's fire that SHE needs...and vice versa. 

2) If you have things that you feel you "need to ask her about" and she feels like you are always interrogating her...or if you feel like the minute you try to talk things out, she bursts into tears so that nothing can ever be resolved, I have a suggestion. I suggest that you two agree together to some limit, like: "I agree to only ask you two questions every day that are just driving me crazy, and you agree to answer those two questions openly and honestly. After you've answered fully and transparently, I agree that I won't yell no matter what you've said as long as it was honest. We agree to resolve those two questions a day and after that they are forgiven, forgotten and never brought up again so that it's not held against you forever. Further we agree to resolve these two questions in one hour so that it's not an unending interrogation." The idea is that you'll have the freedom to ask something if it's really bugging you, and she'll have the freedom to know it won't be used as a weapon against her if she's honest. 

3) Finally this there is one more step. You know about your personalities. You identified a major Love Extinguisher and you're stopping it. You identified one of her major Love Kindlers and you're doing it for her. Life is going better and you two are starting to grow closer together. The very last step is actually PUT ALL THIS SERIOUS STUFF DOWN AND HAVE SOME FUN!! :lol: :smthumbup: Part of marrying her is that you like her, so forget all this, put work down and self-improvement, and play with her! Go to a concert. Take her out for a beer and burger. Watch football. Go camping. Try an opera. Go on a vacation. Have some fun!


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

Thank you affaircare, I appreciate your time and response immensely.


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