# Ladies: Have I lost her..



## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

To be short and sweet as much as possible, I am living with a girl for the past year (we bought a house together), not married or engaged, been with her for past 4 years, and now we are at a point where we might be selling the house.

At this point she feels emotionally crushed and exhausted. She feels she never really felt my love.. The little things to make her feel secure in the relationship.. She felt early on , that she expressed these concerns and I blew it off and ignored her. There was alot of he said/she said arguments because we failed to communicate properly. I put off alot of negativity on her end for awhile and tried to plead my case that I loved her and did things to show I loved her. But eventually the negativity and her persistance (which i said was nagging) led to arguments and fights.. We have had several blow outs where I was vocally abusive (I am now attending counseling to control my anger). Over the last 4 months the fights have gotten more frequent. I feel over the last 6 months that I have been doing the little things she needs and not getting anything in return. I do them for several weeks, then stop due to any response back.. Then the cycle begins.. Arguing, fighting, then possible blow out. We had a bad blow out several weeks ago and she stated that she wanted to sell the house. 

That just emotionally crushed me.. So of course, I start pouring out my feelings and emotions (don't know why I do this when i feel im loosing her and not randomly throughout the relationship under good terms). But, at this point my feelings and emotions only make her more mad and upset... My head and emotions have been on a rollercoaster ride for the last month.. After pouring out my emotions, I backed off.. I started making positive actions on my end (counseling, self help reading) because she doesn't deserve my angry name calling.. I don't want to be that way.. I want to prove to her that she is the world to me and I am capable of change and that we need to learn to communicate better. We never were able to resolve fights. IF she gets upset or mad, she always throws the past against me.. At this point she doesn't know if she can get over the past.. When we talk about anything, she starts pulling up the past and then gets angry/upset. 

We were supposed to have the house for sale by now.. Realtor wanted us to make some minor improvements.. I stated that I didn't want to loose the house or her.. So I have let her lead that course. We did a few things around the house, but still have several other items to do.. I feel that if she was absolutely certain it was over, she would have gotten the house for sale as quickly as possible. When I ask what she wants to do, she just says she doesn't know.. There is alot of love between us and we get along great during everyday life.. I just wish I threw in some little reassurances here and there so she felt adored and loved.. I am fully committed to the relationship and I know that she has given and given and I have been selfish and have been on the recieving end.. But, I have so much to give her and I just want her to open up so she can receive all my love.. She is in a state though where she does not want that.. She wants to be left alone.. It kills me to let her be.. See her retire to the spare bedroom.. She says she needs to be left alone.. I don't want us to drift away and her to become comfortable without me... I know I need to respect her space, I just don't know how to act and what to give her in the meantime?? I have so much hurt, seeing her like this, and I miss her extremely.. From a womens perspective, what is she going thru, what is she deciding.. Is she just mustering up some courage to let me go or is she trying to find a way to forgive the past?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's gone. Sorry. There are SO MANY indicators of this in your story, and I was going to highlight each. But every sentence screams "SHE'S GONE". Women fall out of love with their men between 3-10 years. You don't have kids. You dodged a HUGE bullet. Good for you.

Let her go. You have to start over. Find someone who won't have doubts.

Sorry.

PS: I will address the reason for her not fixing up the house with you. It's not because she cares too much, it's because she doesn't care at all, I'm afraid. The biggest indicator of my wife falling out of love with me is that she doesn't put her energy into ANYTHING any more. Not even the kids. She's beaten down and just doesn't care anymore. It's sad really. For her more than me, in some ways.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

MrK said:


> She's gone. Sorry. There are SO MANY indicators of this in your story, and I was going to highlight each. But every sentence screams "SHE'S GONE". Women fall out of love with their men between 3-10 years. You don't have kids. You dodged a HUGE bullet. Good for you.
> 
> Let her go. You have to start over. Find someone who won't have doubts.
> 
> ...


I don't believe its lack of love.. Because she feels love toward me and i know she cares because she gets upset when i leave the house and i don't tell her and about a comment I posted on facebook about going to a bar.. I can see how she is just too emotionally scarred to carry on in the relationship and I think that is what she is battling.. You make a good point about her not caring much about fixing up the place.. But, she has took the initiative on several things in the house to get fixed and she is still going about her business so she is not closed off from the world...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Check it out--it takes two to make it work. The ball is in her court. She is fully aware that you want the relationship to work and now it's up to her to partake in that or not. From the sounds of it, it sounds like she's done. Unless she tells you she's not. Where are you both moving to? Do you have that planned out? 

She sounds like how I did before I separated from my husband.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Check it out--it takes two to make it work. The ball is in her court. She is fully aware that you want the relationship to work and now it's up to her to partake in that or not. From the sounds of it, it sounds like she's done. Unless she tells you she's not. Where are you both moving to? Do you have that planned out?
> 
> She sounds like how I did before I separated from my husband.


I don't know what she is doing.. We never talked about it.. But i know she has an auto email generator setup on listingbook.. We have a laptop downstairs and listingbook was in the history.. I plan on moving home, which is pretty local to where I live now.. She also lives local, so she has the choice to move home also.. I guess I can only sit back and wait to see what she decides.. Probably nothing I do will matter anymore to show her things will be different.. She has to decide in her own mind.. It is just a horrible feeling being in this situation..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I'd talk to her today. Sit down and lay all your cards out on the table and she what she says. "I don't know" isn't much of an answer and after spending 4 years together, she could at least elaborate and tell you what she wants to do about the relationship. 

You owe it to eachother to be honest.

Either you are both in, or someone is out.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

My question is... what is she waiting for?? Why does she keep saying "I don't know".. What is going on in her mind??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Spartan53 said:


> My question is... what is she waiting for?? Why does she keep saying "I don't know".. What is going on in her mind??


Ask her directly so she can tell you.

Definitely keep getting counselling for your verbal abuse and etc.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I am fully committed to the relationship and I know that she has given and given and I have been selfish and have been on the recieving end.


She is p*ssed off, fed up, and resentful!

As the 'giving' spouse in my soon-to-be-ended marriage, I will give you MY perspective...and it probably fits your GF as well. You have admitted that for YEARS she has been giving and giving and YOU have been taking and taking...just coasting along. At some point, GF decided she was DONE with being the ONLY person putting effort into the relationship. She reached what I call 'the point of no return (PONR).' She emotionally detached from the relationship and, although she may still love you, she has decided that she is unwilling to live the rest of her life with someone she sees as basically selfish. Someone who doesn't put the effort forth to see or care about or work towards HER needs. She's been feeding YOUR needs...who the hell's been feeding HERS? She TOLD you her concerns/needs and you admit you 'blew it off.' By blowing them off, you were telling her (without words) that what SHE wanted wasn't as important as what YOU wanted. What SHE needed wasn't as important as what YOU needed...in your opinion.

So, she reached the PONR and told you she wanted to sell the house which is the point of severing the relationship physically from you and giving her the money (if there is any equity) and opportunity to establish a new residence and new life WITHOUT YOU.

ONLY WHEN she wanted to sell the house (ie, sever the relationship) did you give a cr*p about HER and your relationship. NOW you want to do the work necessary to make your relationship happy and successful...when you DIDN"T want to be BOTHERED doing it all along. *THIS is why she's resentful.* It is apparent that you KNOW how to treat her better (you're doing it now), you KNOW how to show her she's valuable (you're doing it now). SO, you COULD have been doing it ALL ALONG, but you couldn't be bothered because YOU were already comfortable and HER unhappiness/concerns weren't important enough to you to address.

That is MY take on the situation, perhaps it's hers. If she has reached the PONR, then NOTHING you say, NOTHING you do is going to make any difference. Your actions are too late. All you can do is make a civil break, move on and LEARN THE LESSON! 

Next relationship: don't coast on your azz just because YOU'RE comfortable. Your actions speak louder than words. If you're lazy and self-centered, a million 'I love you, babe' is NOT going to mean squat. If you love her, SHOW HER....DAILY!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Spartan53 said:


> My question is... what is she waiting for?? Why does she keep saying "I don't know".. What is going on in her mind??


You have been with her for four years. If you don't know what is going on in her mind, nobody here (who doesn't even know her) would probably have a clue.

I can only speculate. The "I don't know" response is a passive-aggressive way to avoid direct confrontation, fighting, or any other emotional displays.

Actually, I know a gal who left her husband after six years of marriage. When she announced one day that she was going to start looking for her own place, he asked, "Why?" to which she responded, "I don't know." Uh, yeah ... right. One party is checking out of the marriage and doesn't know why? Baloney!

I rarely respond with "I don't know." But if I do, it means one of two things: (1) I REALLY don't know, or, (2) I don't want to be hassled discussing an issue.

JMO, but it really sounds like your gf is done and already has one foot out the door. She just doesn't want to engage in anymore arguments or share her feelings with you. 

Sorry, but I think she is already gone even though she is still occupying the same space with you.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

RE: SlowlyGettingWiser

I respect your truthful feedback.. I wrote my story from my girlfriends point of view.. Thru her eyes.. And your response is probably very on point with how she feels.. But, the truth of the matter, is I did give in the relationship.. Unfortunately it wasn't enough or the right way.. Ignorance on my part.. Miscommunication on both ends.. (Learning alot from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) There were times where I was blantantly selfish, but there were times where I shined and put forth love.. Unfortunately I did not do enough.. And when the little I did do, was just passed off, I got hurt.. And felt I wasn't good enough..


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, Spartan, I'm sure it hurts. But, this relationship is dead. If you learn the lesson, then the time you spent in the relationship was useful and good. Grow from it and resolve not to make the same mistakes again. Good luck!


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

Thank you everyone.. This was my probably the biggest and most painful mistake/experience of my life..


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Stay on TAM if you can, Spartan. YOU will go through some very emotional ups and downs (a roller coaster ride) that other people are going through or have been there. You ALSO will have valuable advice to give other posters here...new-comers and old-timers. YOUR experiences, your youth, your point-of-view can be VERY valuable to others here...and help yourself focus and be clearer on what YOU want going forward in life!


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## j1012 (May 1, 2012)

I dont want to make this more about my long post, but I just posted out of feelings that may be similar to what your girlfriend is feeling. I dont know your full situation, but it does reflect off of giving/receiving, not always taking advantage, and always feeling appreciated.

I guarantee you she is resentful, and obviously hurt underneath it all. She stayed with you for four years, why havent you made it official? And to top it off, the house is probably something she cherished as something the two of you shared and now she's losing that. She's probably confused as to where you stand and what she ever meant to you if anything...

First glance, it seems like its over - but there IS a way around it if you fight for her back and PROVE to her that you ARE the real deal. You have regrets that you should have shown her things throughout the relationship and now you feel like you're too late.. which you very well may be, but she hasnt moved out yet, has she?

If she's still there you still have a chance but thats the way you should look at it. Dont get impatient when you dont see affection reciprocated, maybe you havent done enough. Sorry if I'm baised here, but the only way to prove it is to never stop proving it.

It's the only way you can be forgiven. If time isnt on your side, I dont know what to tell you since that's my problem.

By the way - I've been reading A LOT Of these posts on this site, and please take what they say with a grain of salt - a lot of people here just quickly say "its over" or "move on" and dont stop to think that there are indeed two sides to every story. I think slowlygettingwiser nailed it in the beginning of the paragraph that there comes a point where when selfishness seems to cause too much hurt, resentment is all thats left. But like I said before - she's still there and she probably still feels love for you, so the relationship iS NOT dead until its dead.

Dont give up even though people want you to. The easy thing to do is walk away at this point... If everyone walked away from tough stuff, then there would be no successful couples out there period.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Many will tell you it is over. Since you are not married, (isn't this talkaboutmarriage.com) there is no long term commitment.

The thing is there is always hope. My wife was done a year ago, now she is back and moving in the right direction. We go to Marriage Counseling and Marriage Workshop to help us rebuild the commitment we made.

Many here told me to move on, and I am glad I did not. 

I wish you well.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

j1012 said:


> I dont want to make this more about my long post, but I just posted out of feelings that may be similar to what your girlfriend is feeling. I dont know your full situation, but it does reflect off of giving/receiving, not always taking advantage, and always feeling appreciated.
> 
> I guarantee you she is resentful, and obviously hurt underneath it all. She stayed with you for four years, why havent you made it official? And to top it off, the house is probably something she cherished as something the two of you shared and now she's losing that. She's probably confused as to where you stand and what she ever meant to you if anything...
> 
> ...


Thank you J1012... That pretty much hit the nail on the head.. Just to update my post.. We are still living together and we are in better communication. Last week we actually did some things together (dog park, mall, dinner after work, out for dinner with friends). We got back to just being ourselves for a moment and enjoying the company.. Although, she made it a point that she is still emotionally hurt and depressed. We got back from running errands on the weekend and she laid down for a nap.. I joined her just to be with her and she seemed to get annoyed.. She pointed out that things are no better and I shouldn't act like things are better. She said, I'm acting like things are ok.. I thought that comment was a bit unfair, I am still torn about the situation, but it makes me feel better when we can hang out and be ourselves.. So I get a glimpse of something better, but deep down inside her she is still lost.. So my hopes get up, but then they are immediately grounded with conversations like this.. I honestly don't know how long I can live in this in-between state. It is literally killing me.. Stress beyond belief.. But, I am still fighting for what I love most.. I think personally, I really cannot do anything different. Sieze the opportunity to spend time and at the same time give her the space she needs.. She has agreed to see my counselor and she is reading the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I already read thru the book and it was a wide awakening for me.. It just made so much sense and gave me a whole new perspective about women.. 

I think speaking to a neutral party is exactly what we need. Hopefully for the better.. She said she is scared to get hurt again and she is scared to be alone.. She deeply hurt me when she said she was not sure why she stayed in the relationship for 4 years.. She said that maybe she was afraid of being alone.. That just made my heart drop... Made me feel like complete dogcrap.. Like I never did anything right in the relationship.. And I politely expressed how I was feeling about those comments.. Whenever we talk, I just feel like I have never done anything right throughout the relationship.. I might be crazy, but even when I hear these things, I still know I am in love with my girl.. Crazy how love works... That is why we definitely need to talk to a professional physch.


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## Spartan53 (May 1, 2012)

I wanted to follow up here.. Because it has helped me get thru this time in my life and I'd like to give some inspiration and advice to others.. All my attempts to get my girl back failed.. I started seeing a counselor and it was great.. He really had solid advice and kept me on a positive path the whole time.. Even though my actions were too late according to my girlfriend, I continued to show her I was serious about change and things would be different. Well, we wound up selling the house.. On my last day in the house, after i finished moving my stuff out, I said I would be back to pickup my dogs and say goodbye. I completely broke down emotionally and cried like a baby about how sorry I was. I left everything on the table.. And I knew I would not have any regrets.. Well, It struck a nerve deep inside my girl, because she called me up the next day.. Confused and alone in the house.. Wondering If we made the right choice. We eventually started talking and I convinced her to go away with me for a short trip.. (Somewhere we have been several times with friends and have always had a great time). From there forth.. We slowly built our relationship back.. She was willing to truly forgive me.. 

Well... We are now currently engaged and getting married at the end of the year! I continue to do the little things necessary and we have found such a great connection again! I knew deep down inside that she still loved me and wanted to be with me.. If it was over, she would of acted like she didn't care anymore.. She would have been able to let us go.. The core foundation was there.. We just did a sloppy job building the frame.. For all those people in doubt.. You have to be willing to fight tooth and nail for what you believe is right and what you really want and love.. Even when things look hopeless.. Be positive and continue to do the right thing..


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