# Hubby using porn



## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

This is my first post, although I have visited the site a few times and have seen a lot of great advice given. As I don't really feel comfortable talking to my girlfriends or my family about this particular situation, I am hoping to get some feedback here. 

I'll try to make it short (but it's long!): H and I married 11 years, two kids, both work, overall pretty happy and healthy. Our biggest struggle over the years has been effective communication. I like to over talk about problems, he doesn't like to talk at all. 

We have sex regularly and both make attempts to spice things up and we are both open to listening to each other, but on the other hand, we are both a little shy.

Over the years we have watched porn together (just a hand full of times, nothing too crazy) and once or twice, I've seen evidence of him having watched porn on a night I was out or something. Like I said, maybe twice in our entire 15 year relationship. Those few times didn't really bother me as I know he's a guy and I wasn't around so what's the harm. It has been a long time since I've seen any evidence of him looking at porn. 

The other day he handed me his phone so I could help him find something on Facebook. I hit the search button and say that his last FB search was for Playboy. I laughed it off, but it did bother me. He left his phone sitting on the coffee table so I looked at his browser history (I just want to say that although some people believe this is wrong, we both allow access to each other's devices, all our passwords are the same and we have discussed and agreed that there are never to be any secrets in our marriage and everything is open to the other. So he was taking a well-know risk). I was shocked to find that there was A LOT of porn on there going back to at least the past two months. There were searches for Naked Women, G strings, wet t-shirts.... and of course sex and stuff. He doesn't fully understand checking browser history so he tried to say it was like one time because somebody had mentioned a site to him and he wanted to check it out. I was mad that he was lying because it was a lot more than that. He slowly admitted to more and more as he knew that I had a pretty good idea of the extent. Although I still believe he is minimizing a lot of it. 

Anyway, I am really crushed. The things that bother me most are the specific searches for naked women. I feel like he has a desire to look at other naked women. I would feel better if it was just a porn site once or twice so he could get himself off while I wasn't around, but that's not the case here. He was searching playboy at work, just so he could look at hot women. He was trying to watch wet t shirt contests on youtube. There were several instances of him visiting this porn site on several different occasions just in the month of February and one instance, I feel was almost like a planned date with his porn. He knew I was leaving and made no sexual attempts at me beforehand (which he normally would) and waited until I was gone to watch a bunch of porn. This particular instance hurt the most because he was getting ready to leave for a fishing trip for four days and he was more interested in that than me. I could keep going, but I am going to leave it at that. 

What I need to know is, how would other's feel about this. I feel really insecure about myself right now, I feel like he is looking for something I am not giving him, I feel like he was looking for sexual pleasure which intentionally excluded me. Almost like he was mentally cheating or fantasizing about being with other women. And of course, I am worried what is was going to turn into if I hadn't found out, because it did seem to be happening more and more based on the browser history. 

Sorry for the book, didn't know how to make it any shorter.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think you are entitled to feel that way. 

Yes it's normal for both men and women to look and be attracted to the opposite sex, however that doesn't mean we have to look at porn. 

I feel a person should turn towards their partner rather then towards porn. 

Porn can have adverse effects on relationships and on our brains. There is a lot of great research on the subject that show how harmful it can be. 

There is also a lot of research that women who's husbands use a lot of porn feel worse about themselves and men who use it do tend to compare their wives negatively to the women in porn. 

To my kind porn is the junk food of sex. Like mcdonalds is to a healthy diet.

As in the past you have been fine with porn, he may wonder why it's a big deal. However anything that really upsets or hurt you should be something he cares about too, especially if you are an otherwise caring loving spouse. 

I would gently approach it and tell him that you know he might not have known how much it would hurt you, however it really did, and you want to work on focusing on your own sex life and connection rather then porn. Ask him if he can commit to that.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

First off, what does "we have sex regularly" mean? It may well be the case that your idea of regularly is his idea of not enough, and you said you two are shy about talking about it. So there is that, look at it hard. 

Secondly, your husband is likely very normal and totally oblivious to how this makes you feel. This whole post is a perfect note to him, I say note because in writing your thoughts are all there and heartfelt which might not all get conveyed in an emotional conversation. If he loves you it should have an effect.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

anonmd said:


> First off, what does "we have sex regularly" mean? It may well be the case that your idea of regularly is his idea of not enough, and you said you two are shy about talking about it. So there is that, look at it hard.


Yes, that could mean different things to different people. And I think that's another thing adding to why I'm so upset. We have A LOT of sex (he even says so). I mean almost daily and sometimes more than once a day. Of course there are days when we don't, but that's not the norm. Before this whole porn thing started, I was actually the one telling him he should hit on me more and initiate more sex with me. He is never denied. I thoroughly enjoy having sex with my husband and he is very aware of that.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So move on to the secondly 

Assuming the worst intentions usually doesn't work too well, assume he is oblivious but can learn


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It seems his porn use is pretty tame and pretty normal.

If he watches a TV show about a family, does that mean he is not getting what he needs at home from his family?

Men are wired to have sexual thoughts about most women they encounter. You can't wave that all away. It's not about you or something you are lacking.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

I agree anonmd. I actually emailed him a copy of my post because I just wanted to be open about me doing it. 

And LittleDeer, I also agree with everything you've said. I don't so much think he's the problem, because if he says he is not going to do it then I know beyond a doubt that he won't. 

It's my feelings that are the problem. I don't really know how to get a hold on them. I know that I need to let it go and move on, but it's consuming me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sounds like you two have a good sex life from a frequency standpoint and also you try to spice it up. Is there a specific theme that you have hit upon in his porn consumption? You mentioned Playboy, wet t-shirt contests and G strings. Would you say that he is focusing on a specific look for a type of woman or is it focusing on a common theme - like spring break type debauchery?


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

There was some theme to the sexual acts he was watching which was no surprise to me at all. I am well aware of his interest and have tried to be open with him about, but he is a little shy about it. I did mention the Playboy and nude women searches specifically because those (although sound more innocent) actually are what bother me more. It's him wanting to look specifically at images or videos of women whether it be porn or not that bother's me the most. 

And that coupled with the fact that in some of the instances it seemed as though he wanted porn and looked forward to it rather than taking advantage of being with me. It's the whole, I can't wait until my wife leaves so I can look at naked chicks on the internet, issue that's bothering me so much.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"To my mind porn is the junk food of sex. Like mcdonalds is to a healthy diet." littledear

That's a good analogy


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Has your H always used porn, and it happens that you recently discovered that he does this? Alternatively, if he's as shy as you say he is and he recently "discovered" porn, he may be like a kid in a candy store. 

My questions earlier about a common theme appear to be valid. Is it something that he's into that you are not? Or is it something that you would happily do for him but he wouldn't dream of asking the mother of his children to engage in such things?


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> This is my first post, although I have visited the site a few times and have seen a lot of great advice given. As I don't really feel comfortable talking to my girlfriends or my family about this particular situation, I am hoping to get some feedback here.
> 
> I'll try to make it short (but it's long!): H and I married 11 years, two kids, both work, overall pretty happy and healthy. Our biggest struggle over the years has been effective communication. I like to over talk about problems, he doesn't like to talk at all.
> 
> ...


I hate to break it to you, but you gave him permission to look at porn when you watched it together and when you laughed it off when you found it on is phone. You're either 100% against it or 100% accepting of it. There's no middle ground. You got a problem on your hands if you're now against it.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I hate to break it to you, but you gave him permission to look at porn when you watched it together and when you laughed it off when you found it on is phone. You're either 100% against it or 100% accepting of it. There's no middle ground. You got a problem on your hands if you're now against it.


I've always been open to watching porn with him and I am not 100% against it. It's not something I would personally do without him. I laughed off the playboy thing because we were in the living room with the kids. After the kids went to bed it immediately became a matter of discussion and is what led to me discovering all the recent porn use. I definitely believe there is a middle ground when it comes to porn! I am and have been accepting of it in the past when I was truly not around and he was just doing it because there were no better options. To suddenly start turning to it on a regular basis and worse, at a time when he could have had me (and should have been wanting to be with me due to the fact that we were going to be apart for four days) is where it becomes hurtful for me.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> My questions earlier about a common theme appear to be valid. Is it something that he's into that you are not? Or is it something that you would happily do for him but he wouldn't dream of asking the mother of his children to engage in such things?


Something he's into and I will happily do on occasion. We have actually done it before, but yes I think he feels he's disrespecting me. I think he worries about opening up to me about anything he thinks may make him look like a pig. I've tried to reassure him.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I've always been open to watching porn with him and I am not 100% against it. It's not something I would personally do without him. I laughed off the playboy thing because we were in the living room with the kids. After the kids went to bed it immediately became a matter of discussion and is what led to me discovering all the recent porn use. I definitely believe there is a middle ground when it comes to porn! I am and have been accepting of it in the past when I was truly not around and he was just doing it because there were no better options. To suddenly start turning to it on a regular basis and worse, at a time when he could have had me (and should have been wanting to be with me due to the fact that we were going to be apart for four days) is where it becomes hurtful for me.


Saying that there's a middle ground to porn is like saying there's a middle ground with shooting heroin. What's worse is that a man doesn't have a built "drug drive". He does have a sex drive. If you're going to allow for it at all, expect it to be on his terms.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

I guess I don't see the connection with heroin and porn. I could more easily compare it to alcohol - It's ok when used responsibly.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Follow the Dan Savage rule. He pretends to not use porn, and you pretend to believe him. Which includes not snooping to verify. Since it appears that he's not neglecting you in any way, there's not a lot of point in getting too worked up over it.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

peacem said:


> Hi
> 
> Just to be clear with you - I am no fan of porn and I can honestly say it has nearly broken my marriage. But the good news (as far as I am concerned) you sound like you have a great marriage and sex life. I don't think you have a problem here, though I understand totally why you are upset.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU so much Peacem! This actually makes a lot of sense and makes me feel a lot better. That perspective was perfect and I am grateful that you could point that out to me while still acknowledging my feelings. I sent him a copy of my original post and he called me to let me know he is accepting of me looking for advice and that he truly understands how hurt I feel. I think he will appreciate this response as well. :smthumbup:


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Follow the Dan Savage rule. He pretends to not use porn, and you pretend to believe him. Which includes not snooping to verify. Since it appears that he's not neglecting you in any way, there's not a lot of point in getting too worked up over it.


Dan Savage lost all respect when he started using the word monogamish.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I guess I don't see the connection with heroin and porn. I could more easily compare it to alcohol - It's ok when used responsibly.


You shouldn't compare it to either. Both heroin and alcohol introduce foreign chemicals into the biology that affect it, and can result in a chemical dependency. Porn (or any other entertainment genre) does not do this. What _can_ happen is development of a trained response - viewing of porn can stimulate his own internal chemical reaction to the pleasure centers of the brain, and he may become accustomed to that "trigger" to get the desired response. (Of course, this isn't restricted to porn or other salacious material...he may get similar trained responses to, say, sitcoms.) In such cases, it's important to remember that, unlike foreign substances introduced into the body, it's not the media (porn) that he's viewing that is addictive, but his behavior and personal handling of that media that has created such a mental link.

And all of that is assuming that he has a so-called "porn problem." I firmly believe that most viewers of porn understand it for what it is: a particular genre of entertainment, which happens to be sexually explicit (with the definition of "sexually explicit" being pretty generously applied to subjects ranging from basic cheesecake/beefcake images to simple nudity to explicit depictions of sexual acts, and everything in between). Some people enjoy it. Some don't. And that's ok. Porn is no more powerful than the viewer allows it to be. If it's not adversely affecting the relationship, I see no problem. In your case, it seems that the effect it's having is what you're allowing it to have.

I'd suggest discussing it with him, and being honest about what your dislike of it is. (Recently, I couldn't stand my wife's binge-watching of Scandal, because I can't stand the show...absolutely no redeeming qualities to any of the characters, and I think it's badly written, to boot. But...its a stupid tv show, and didn't Impact us significantly one way or the other, just like it sounds as if his looking at pictures of naked women has impacted yours significantly.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Dan Savage lost all respect when he started using the word monogamish.


He lost your respect, but not mine. No one ever loses my respect when they deal with the harsh realities of human relations instead of sweeping them under the rug. Dan doesn't advocate cheating on a spouse, he advocates spouses to consider whether or not divorce is the best solution at all times to sexual realities in a marriage. If it's not for you and yours, you're under no obligation to try it. He has in inbox chock full of replies from listeners who have found the concept useful. 

So you disagree with him on this point, but this thread isn't about that. Does this imply that any advice he has to give on all sexual matters is thereby suspect? From your history here, I don't think you're that rigid. I doubt that I agree with you on everything, but that's not cause for me to disrespect you. 

In this case, for the OP with a husband who hasn't traded her in for a 27 inch monitor, I think Don't Ask/Don't Tell is a reasonable approach to take.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign MomWifeGreatLife
I think what you wrote is exactly what you should tell him. 

If understand correctly, you are not against porn but you are (very reasonably) hurt that he wanted porn INSTEAD of you.

Maybe let him know that porn is OK, but that he should go to you first.






MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I've always been open to watching porn with him and I am not 100% against it. It's not something I would personally do without him. I laughed off the playboy thing because we were in the living room with the kids. After the kids went to bed it immediately became a matter of discussion and is what led to me discovering all the recent porn use. I definitely believe there is a middle ground when it comes to porn! I am and have been accepting of it in the past when I was truly not around and he was just doing it because there were no better options. To suddenly start turning to it on a regular basis and worse, at a time when he could have had me (and should have been wanting to be with me due to the fact that we were going to be apart for four days) is where it becomes hurtful for me.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign MomWifeGreatLife
> I think what you wrote is exactly what you should tell him.
> 
> If understand correctly, you are not against porn but you are (very reasonably) hurt that he wanted porn INSTEAD of you.
> ...


I have to wonder aloud if it was really "instead of" her.

From my understanding of her story, it didn't appear that he had been looking at the material rather than providing attention to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I guess I don't see the connection with heroin and porn. I could more easily compare it to alcohol - It's ok when used responsibly.


Try telling that to an alcoholic....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Porn addiction is a big problem. Some men have it under control others do not.

If it bothers you it bothers you, especially the idea that he would prefer to explore the enormous digital reservoir (ocean?) without you.

Tell your husband that you don't want him getting into porn without you. As long as you do it together, his emotional side will still go to you.

My ex was curious about porn and she once gave me a bj while I watched a clip of a woman masturbating. Maybe you can take turns. You can watch something that turns you on while he works downstairs and visa versa.

You can talk dirty to each other about what you are watching and what is a turn on.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Try telling that to an alcoholic....


The vast, vast majority of us are not alcoholics. That's why we repealed prohibition 80 years ago.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

My wife and I made a porn of us. I have always told my wife and sincerely so she is the sexiest women alive. We are open about my using our video to let one off when she is not available and I am stressed. 

I pay no attention to porn haters. I also pay no attention to the porn addicts. In my view they are naïve/unhinged/sheltered/unreasianble

Moderation defined as you wish to define it is the key to keeping things healthy.

For example, if the suggestion that works for my wife and I is too much for you then don't do it. If it isn't enough then escalate it or try something totally different. 

Beyond that, with your own feelings of being hurt, gently escalate your level of spice/frequency/flirtiness if you think that will close the gap on what he isn't getting, evaluate your results and take it from there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not to threadjack, but I do find it interesting that in your username you put your role as "mom" first, "wife" secondary. And I do realize that there is some rhyming at the end.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

You could work porn into your lovemaking. Try keeping your hands off each other after 10 minutes!


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

michzz said:


> Not to threadjack, but I do find it interesting that in your username you put your role as "mom" first, "wife" secondary. And I do realize that there is some rhyming at the end.


Valid point, it crossed my mind when I made it! It was mostly the rhyming thing, I just thought it flowed better.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment and give suggestions! I think this thread will be a wonderful tool to help us have a more meaningful conversation and figure out how we want to move forward.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

Cletus said:


> Follow the Dan Savage rule. He pretends to not use porn, and you pretend to believe him. Which includes not snooping to verify.


I wouldn't even be capable of it. It's just not my style. I want my husband to be an open book for me as I want to be for him. I think it's a huge part of marriage.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Cletus said:


> The vast, vast majority of us are not alcoholics. That's why we repealed prohibition 80 years ago.


Wake up, Cletus. Porn is not comparable to alcohol or drugs. Trust me, I've used them all and NOTHING got a hold of me like porn did. It's a f*cking slave driver. The OP asked for help. As a former porn addict, I gave my 2 cents. I'd like to hear back from her in a year if she continues to let him dabble with it.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> Our biggest struggle over the years has been effective communication. I like to over talk about problems, he doesn't like to talk at all.





MomWifeGreatLife said:


> have a more meaningful conversation and figure out how we want to move forward.





MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I want my husband to be an open book for me as I want to be for him. I think it's a huge part of marriage.


In the most loving way.....

Little less talk. A lot more action. 

I believe you said he was embarrassed about some stuff that he likes to do to you that he was searching for that makes him think you think he is dirty? Why the hell would someone that doesn't like to talk welcome in any way talking about something embarrassing.

With all due respect, you seem to be being very thick about this talking thing. He doesn't like it. Can you rhink of no other way of solving a problem than discussing it to death. 

I feel bad for him because you are not hearing him. Maybe that's the problem, ACTIONS speak WAAAAAAY louder than WORDS

Think about it and I hope I didn't cut you too deep. It's only intent is to shake it up enough to break thru the damaging sounds of your broken record playing

You need some new tools and they are described as solving problems with all the yap and more activity

Your husband will love you for it.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Dan Savage lost all respect when he started using the word monogamish.


Well that, and he advocates for "justified" infidelity all of the time.

And being dishonest with a partner. And so on.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Wake up, Cletus. Porn is not comparable to alcohol or drugs. Trust me, I've used them all and NOTHING got a hold of me like porn did. It's a f*cking slave driver. The OP asked for help. As a former porn addict, I gave my 2 cents. I'd like to hear back from her in a year if she continues to let him dabble with it.


While I empathize with your experience, I must respectfully disagree. Porn is not addictive. Alcohol and drugs are/can be, as they are foreign substances introduced directly into your system. Porn is not. If anything, one's reaction can certainly lead to repetitive compulsive behavior. I just feel that we toss the word "addiction" around a bit too freely, when other terms like "compulsion" are far more accurate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MomWifeGreatLife
It is great for a couple to be open - but it is also very difficult. Many people have things that they think or do, that would be difficult for a partner to accept.

Can you accept that he (probably) fantasizes about other women, and can he accept that you (probably) fantasize about other men. I think this is true for most couples, but not something that people often really want to hear.




MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I want my husband to be an open book for me as I want to be for him. I think it's a huge part of marriage.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My opinion--If you're 100% sexually available with your husband, initiate, etc (and it sounds like you are) you are well within your rights to ask him to stop the porn on the basis that it makes you feel bad and is coming between you two having even more sex.

Some dudes get hooked on porn when they use it to get by with a sub-standard sex life. Your husband does not have this excuse to fall back on.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

Joe Cool said:


> In the most loving way.....
> 
> Little less talk. A lot more action.
> 
> ...


I can respect your opinion, but I think you failed to see the part where there is A LOT of action already. He even says so. I not sure why you say I am not hearing him. He isn't giving me clues that he needs more sex or anything, we've already covered that. And I have in no way forced him to talk about anything. I just have to tried to let him know that I am open to things he likes. My original post had nothing to do with how to make him talk to me about it, it was how do I help myself not take it so personally. And I think there have been some great post that made me feel a lot better about it! I don't want to talk him to death about it, that's why I came here.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening MomWifeGreatLife
> It is great for a couple to be open - but it is also very difficult. Many people have things that they think or do, that would be difficult for a partner to accept.
> 
> Can you accept that he (probably) fantasizes about other women, and can he accept that you (probably) fantasize about other men. I think this is true for most couples, but not something that people often really want to hear.


I completely understand, and in no way do I mean he should be sharing every personal thought with me. I just don't agree with the don't ask/don't tell policy as applied to porn use (and quite a few other things).


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

I also just want to add that in no way do I think my husband is a porn addict or that he ever has been or ever will be. My concern and original post had nothing to do with porn addiction, but just how the new interest in porn (and more so, the looking for images and videos of naked women) made me feel.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> My opinion--If you're 100% sexually available with your husband, initiate, etc (and it sounds like you are) you are well within your rights to ask him to stop the porn on the basis that it makes you feel bad and is coming between you two having even more sex.
> 
> Some dudes get hooked on porn when they use it to get by with a sub-standard sex life. Your husband does not have this excuse to fall back on.


Great idea. As long as it's equally acceptable for him to tell her to stop sitcoms/rom-coms/police procedurals/country music/(insert another genre of entertainment she enjoys here) because he doesn't like it.

Honestly, by her own description, it doesn't sound like his private viewing of porn has interfered prior to her knowledge of it. But, now that she does, it must go? I can't stand country music, because I don't care for the sound or the typical subject matter (beer drinkin', hell-raisin', bar-fightin', cheatin' ********). My wife does. Since I don't like it, shall I tell her she must forever stop listening to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

Grayson said:


> Great idea. As long as it's equally acceptable for him to tell her to stop sitcoms/rom-coms/police procedurals/country music/(insert another genre of entertainment she enjoys here) because he doesn't like it.
> 
> Honestly, by her own description, it doesn't sound like his private viewing of porn has interfered prior to her knowledge of it. But, now that she does, it must go? I can't stand country music, because I don't care for the sound or the typical subject matter (beer drinkin', hell-raisin', bar-fightin', cheatin' ********). My wife does. Since I don't like it, shall I tell her she must forever stop listening to it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Firstly, that's a little bit of comparing apples to oranges. Anyhow, I didn't say it must go. But yes, finding out he was doing it, particularly when he was doing it, and that he seemed to be enjoying looking specifically at women rather than just some raunchy porn (nothing I'd ever seen him attempt to do before) really hurt my feelings and made me question some things about myself. BUT I didn't say it must go.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

As for how not to take it personally, I'll share an anecdote that a friend of mine has used. She likes actor Chris Hemsworth. Her husband is well aware of this. He's also well aware that the odds of Chris Hemsworth showing up and whisking her away are pretty darned slim. And in the unlikely event that Hemsworth did show up, she'd be too overwhelmed to do anything about it.

The human body is the greatest work of art on the planet. Nothing wrong with appreciating it, as Lon as you keep your priorities straight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Well that, and he advocates for "justified" infidelity all of the time.
> 
> And being dishonest with a partner. And so on.


:iagree:

"Pretending" there isn't a problem is the same thing as being dishonest in my opinion. You are suppose to communicate and be open with your spouse. Not just bury your head in the sand whenever you dislike something.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Wake up, Cletus. Porn is not comparable to alcohol or drugs. Trust me, I've used them all and NOTHING got a hold of me like porn did. It's a f*cking slave driver. The OP asked for help. As a former porn addict, I gave my 2 cents. I'd like to hear back from her in a year if she continues to let him dabble with it.


Sorry, man, but your experience is not universal. An alcoholic doesn't have the right to tell no one to drink just because he can't handle a beer on a Sunday.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Some dudes get hooked on porn when they use it to get by with a sub-standard sex life. Your husband does not have this excuse to fall back on.


Not going to get into a porn debate. Not going to get into a porn debate. Not going to get into a porn debate...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> "Pretending" there isn't a problem is the same thing as being dishonest in my opinion. You are suppose to communicate and be open with your spouse. Not just bury your head in the sand whenever you dislike something.


And what do you do when you reach an impasse? Being married neither guarantees nor requires you to see eye-to-eye with your spouse on everything. 

Don't ask/don't tell implies that you are sensitive to your partner. You don't flaunt it. You don't mention it. You don't let it interfere with your intimate life. In return, your partner doesn't go out of his way to discover if you do or do not. 

As far as marital compromises go when you can't agree on something, I can't imagine doing much better. Everyone shows a modicum of respect for the other's position, no one gets his feelings unnecessarily hurt.

Do you think that you have the unilateral right to impose your will on your partner in this?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Not going to get into a porn debate. Not going to get into a porn debate. Not going to get into a porn debate...


I've got zero problems with porn. I'm just saying that the OP is within her rights to make it a boundary in their marriage. If this hurts her, and she's making every effort to be her husband's sexual outlet, I can't see the problem in asking him to stop.

If I'm doing something I find inoccuous, picking my nose for example, but for whatever reason that triggers my wife to have a bad emotional reaction because she remembers some nose-picking clown that exposed himself to her at her six year old birthday party---it's reasonable for her to ask me to not pick my nose. It doesn't pass judgment on nose-picking, nor does it pass judgment on those who enjoy nose-picking. It's just respecting her wishes on the matter.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Grayson said:


> As for how not to take it personally, I'll share an anecdote that a friend of mine has used. She likes actor Chris Hemsworth. Her husband is well aware of this. He's also well aware that the odds of Chris Hemsworth showing up and whisking her away are pretty darned slim. And in the unlikely event that Hemsworth did show up, she'd be too overwhelmed to do anything about it.
> 
> The human body is the greatest work of art on the planet. Nothing wrong with appreciating it, as Lon as you keep your priorities straight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And for me, in the unlikely event that my wife ever met some celebrity crush and did what ever from a kiss, grope, to sleeping with him, I'd be just as forgiving as if it had been the guy down the street. No difference to me.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Cletus said:


> Sorry, man, but your experience is not universal. An alcoholic doesn't have the right to tell no one to drink just because he can't handle a beer on a Sunday.


Well, when a woman, in this case the OP, asks for advice on her husband using porn, I'm going to see it through a lens of someone who was almost destroyed by it. If she's willing to let him watch it, but expect him to only do it with her, I think that's a bit naive. But, who knows... Maybe they'll live happily ever after with the porn. I'm betting against that though.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I've got zero problems with porn. I'm just saying that the OP is within her rights to make it a boundary in their marriage. If this hurts her, and she's making every effort to be her husband's sexual outlet, I can't see the problem in asking him to stop.
> 
> If I'm doing something I find inoccuous, picking my nose for example, but for whatever reason that triggers my wife to have a bad emotional reaction because she remembers some nose-picking clown that exposed himself to her at her six year old birthday party---it's reasonable for her to ask me to not pick my nose. It doesn't pass judgment on nose-picking, nor does it pass judgment on those who enjoy nose-picking. It's just respecting her wishes on the matter.


I just don't agree. It's reasonable for her to ask him to stop, and it's reasonable for him to say "no". It is OK for a couple to not agree on something. It's not a sign of a failed marriage or an uncaring spouse. 

My go-to example that you're probably sick of by now is my wife's inability to set the rear view mirrors on her car. She won't learn to do it right, I can't force her, so the problem goes completely unsolved. I simply have to just shut-the-f-up about it because I cannot win - and this is an example where there is a clear and objectively correct position. 

When you can't agree on a common solution, then the next best thing is to find a way to reduce the friction to a minimum. If you can limit an activity such that your spouse is never confronted with it, that's a reasonable compromise.

Does your spouse have the right to tell you to stop picking your nose when she's not in the room?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And for me, in the unlikely event that my wife ever met some celebrity crush and did what ever from a kiss, grope, to sleeping with him, I'd be just as forgiving as if it had been the guy down the street. No difference to me.


If my wife scored a date with Chris Hemsworth, I'd be pissed if I didn't get invited to the threesome.

Just sayin'. It's not everyday you get busy with a Norse God.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> And for me, in the unlikely event that my wife ever met some celebrity crush and did what ever from a kiss, grope, to sleeping with him, I'd be just as forgiving as if it had been the guy down the street. No difference to me.


Thanks for missing the point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Grayson said:


> The human body is the greatest work of art on the planet. Nothing wrong with appreciating it..


--Which brings up a minor pedant point about pornography. 

Pornography is by definition sexually explicit or obscene.

Partial and even full states of disrobement are not technically pornographic unless a sexual or obscene act is depicted or in some way, implied.

There is a lot of junk science floating around the internet on this subject and one of the first clues you're dealing with religious zealots rather than actual researchers is the inclusion of anything and everything that might potentially have erotic appeal under the umbrella of pornography. 

My wife's conservative Christian family even labeled my youngest daughter's art history books as pornographic.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> --Which brings up a minor pedant point about pornography.
> 
> Pornography is by definition sexually explicit or obscene.
> 
> ...


I agree completely.

On the other hand, I think that explicit depictions of sex can be quite beautiful, too. There's a tumblr page that my wife and I follow (via our own tumblr page created for that very purpose) that frequently posts pictures that would be considered explicit (full nudity, clearly visible penetration, etc), but is composed in a quite artful (for want of a better term) way.

And, a lot of explicit material is just downright raunchy. Which, depending on one's mood, can have its own kind of beauty. The way I see it, if the human body is the most beautiful work of art around, and sex can be one of the most beautiful acts to engage in, the depiction of one engaging in the other has an intrinsic beauty. That beauty may not be captured in all depictions (either by design or by an inability of the photographer/director/artist to do so), but the potential is there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> I've got zero problems with porn. I'm just saying that the OP is within her rights to make it a boundary in their marriage. If this hurts her, and she's making every effort to be her husband's sexual outlet, I can't see the problem in asking him to stop.
> 
> If I'm doing something I find inoccuous, picking my nose for example, but for whatever reason that triggers my wife to have a bad emotional reaction because she remembers some nose-picking clown that exposed himself to her at her six year old birthday party---it's reasonable for her to ask me to not pick my nose. It doesn't pass judgment on nose-picking, nor does it pass judgment on those who enjoy nose-picking. It's just respecting her wishes on the matter.


A logical stance.

At what point, though, do your likes get to supersede her dislikes (and vice versa)? At what point do you acquiesce to her request you not pick your nose, but shrug off her refusal to stop practicing the trombone in the house? At what point does she accept that you just plain like the Ernest movies, but you hold fast that she should no longer order pizza from Papa John's?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Grayson said:


> A logical stance.
> 
> At what point, though, do your likes get to supersede her dislikes (and vice versa)? At what point do you acquiesce to her request you not pick your nose, but shrug off her refusal to stop practicing the trombone in the house? At what point does she accept that you just plain like the Ernest movies, but you hold fast that she should no longer order pizza from Papa John's?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe there's a different standard involved between "I dislike this" and "this hurts me".

Your spouse does something you dislike? Sometimes that's just life. But if you do something that you know emotionally hurts your spouse--you have to make the decision on which takes priority in your life. Do you value your spouse more or do you value whatever it is that is hurting your spouse? 

Continuing a behavior that damages your spouse is just not cool.

And for the record, Papa Johns sucks. Nobody should order it.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> I believe there's a different standard involved between "I dislike this" and "this hurts me".
> 
> Your spouse does something you dislike? Sometimes that's just life. But if you do something that you know emotionally hurts your spouse--you have to make the decision on which takes priority in your life. Do you value your spouse more or do you value whatever it is that is hurting your spouse?
> 
> ...


A trombone in the house and the Ernest movies do pain me. I've experienced them. 

But, examples and semantics aside, I think it's fair to say that you understood my point, while the question remains unanswered at heart. When does your position get to take precedence over hers (and vice versa)? What degree of "hurt" is too little to surrender to the other? What degree is too much to shrug off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

That's a question that can only be answered at the individual relationship level. If there's a valid reason that giving up porn would cause him more pain than the OP's pain, then they'd need to hash that out.

As it stands, we haven't been given any information to believe that it would cause him pain. In absence of that, I can only offer advice based on the knowledge that OP is hurting from it.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> That's a question that can only be answered at the individual relationship level. If there's a valid reason that giving up porn would cause him more pain than the OP's pain, then they'd need to hash that out.
> 
> As it stands, we haven't been given any information to believe that it would cause him pain. In absence of that, I can only offer advice based on the knowledge that OP is hurting from it.


At the same time, the OP also sought advice on how to not take it personally.

Let's see if we can get to the root of my question, though, since it's still not really answered. Let's ignore again, for the moment, that we're talking about porn. Country music "pains" me. Is it reasonable to say to my wife, "I don't want you to ever listen to country music again, even if I'm not around."? Should my dictates as to her choices of personal entertainment be seen as having no negative impact on her? On our relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> I also just want to add that in no way do I think my husband is a porn addict or that he ever has been or ever will be. My concern and original post had nothing to do with porn addiction, but just how the new interest in porn (and more so, the looking for images and videos of naked women) made me feel.


Lots of posters have said the your hubby's porn habit is mainstream normal.

Not to be hurtful, but to be succinct.

Should you not be asking about how to overcome your unreasonably strong feelings?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MomWifeGreatLife's feelings are her own. Nobody gets to tell her that her feelings are wrong, they just are what they are. She can make the decision to try to work around them, or she can make the decision to establish boundaries, but nobody can tell her that her feelings are invalid because x% of the population likes internet boobs.

Edited post to correct OP's name. Sorry--really long day.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

2asdf2 said:


> Lots of posters have said the your hubby's porn habit is mainstream normal.
> 
> Not to be hurtful, but to be succinct.
> 
> Should you not be asking about how to overcome your unreasonably strong feelings?


Maybe I didn't use those words, but my question was exactly how to overcome these feelings and not let myself be so hurt by them. However, and others have said as well, I do not believe they are unreasonable feelings to have. And, thankfully, I have received some really reassuring responses and suggestions on how to move forward with it.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Lots of posters have said the your hubby's porn habit is mainstream normal.
> 
> Not to be hurtful, but to be succinct.
> 
> Should you not be asking about how to overcome your *unreasonably strong* feelings?





MomWifeGreatLife said:


> Maybe I didn't use those words, but my question was exactly how to overcome these feelings and not let myself be so hurt by them. However, and others have said as well, I do not believe they are *unreasonable* feelings to have. And, thankfully, I have received some really reassuring responses and suggestions on how to move forward with it.


I agree they are not unreasonable, but i was thinking they are "unreasonably strong." You are the person who experiences the feelings, so you are the judge of how strong they are,

I did not see any advice on this subject, but if you received some, I am glad you found it helpful.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

2asdf2 said:


> I did not see any advice on this subject, but if you received some, I am glad you found it helpful.


Sorry, you are right actually, I did not receive advice specifically on how to make myself feel better. However, having this conversation with everyone, and having several people validate my feelings but at the same time reassure me that it's probably not as serious as I was thinking has helped a lot! Thank you! (Plus there are some fun ideas in here!)


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Would you feel better if he told you he wasn't going to look at it any more?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MomWifeGreatLife said:


> Sorry, you are right actually, I did not receive advice specifically on how to make myself feel better. However, having this conversation with everyone, and having several people validate my feelings but at the same time reassure me that it's probably not as serious as I was thinking has helped a lot! Thank you! (Plus there are some fun ideas in here!)


Insofar as no one knows how to make another person feel differently, you received the best advice we could give - how best to deal with it.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear MomWifeGreatLife
One thing that has always amazed me about women's reaction to porn is:-

1) Man expected to perform by women, where else is the Man going to get the latest information about Making Love except from porn.

2) Sex Education rather Making Love Education is only forty years old.

This is just a thought from a 60+ year old man, does anybody agree or disagree.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear MomWifeGreatLife

I look at Falling Water, Frank Lloyd Wright, because I like the composition of the spaces and materials, I look at the humble Garden Shed for very much the same reason, the first makes me appreciate the second, it is not lust or wanting to possess Falling Water, it is because all buildings can and do have attraction to me, surely the same is true of porn, women by themselves. How would you Americans gauge Pruett Igoe.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Intheory

Which came first Education or liking ?, I can write because of a teacher, this can be passed on to people who cannot write, there's your Education.


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## MomWifeGreatLife (Mar 10, 2015)

Cletus said:


> Insofar as no one knows how to make another person feel differently, you received the best advice we could give - how best to deal with it.


Exactly!


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning once again

Can you account then for all the sales of the Joy of Sex since 1972?.
"There has been controversy over The Joy of Sex in the United States. Religious groups have fought to keep it out of public libraries. In March 2008, the Nampa, Idaho public library board ruled in favor of removing The Joy of Sex and The Joy of Gay Sex from the libraries' shelves, making them only available upon request in the library director's office. The books were restored to shelves in September 2008 in response to ACLU threats of litigation."
Certainly can be fun to learn however depends upon pre programming and a nation's attitude to sex.
Also 
"
You are together and start exploring each other's bodies.

I guess the education and the liking can go together. It can be fun to learn."

Pruett Igoe start exploring the construction and what is possible and then ruin peoples lives. I guess the education and non-liking of the building can go together, it can be fun to learn.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

intheory said:


> You are together and start exploring each other's bodies.
> 
> I guess the education and the liking can go together. It can be fun to learn.


Given the astronomical levels of female orgasmic dissatisfaction in the bedroom, I'm thinking a little expert help might not be a bad idea. Not that you'd get much of that from most pornography.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Wake up, Cletus. Porn is not comparable to alcohol or drugs. Trust me, I've used them all and NOTHING got a hold of me like porn did. It's a f*cking slave driver. The OP asked for help. As a former porn addict, I gave my 2 cents. I'd like to hear back from her in a year if she continues to let him dabble with it.


So you have an issue so everyone who watches porn must.....I don't think so. I also have been known to have a beer or three....not an alcoholic either.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Lila
Talking of American Hotels was the Hyatt Regency Hotel Kansas City Skywalk Collapse also filmed using actors/models.
On this side of the pond particularly in the Netherlands porn is made using amateurs who enjoy doing it and then posted on the web (XHamster). Anybody any comments on Pruett Igoe.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> So you have an issue so everyone who watches porn must.....I don't think so. I also have been known to have a beer or three....not an alcoholic either.


Former addicts of various sorts seem to have much in common. One of the similarities is exaggerated preaching against the thing they couldn't manage to use responsibly.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear All

Any comments on Pruett Igoe?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

" Honey i looked at your phone the other day and i noticed that you have been viewing porn more now than ever. To be honest it has me feeling some sort of way that I havent in the past. Can we discuss this before it becomes a bigger issue"


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