# My wife’s insane behavior and how it changed us



## Need help moving forward

Hello all never once did I think I would get to this point, to the point of reaching out to strangers on the internet for guidance but here we are. My wife and I have been together for 10 years but married for eight, we met in college and were each other’s firsts and only. I honestly thought we had a unique and beautiful relationship because of that but it appears that was just me. Some time ago my wife began working at new company, at first she found it difficult to fit in because she’s always been reserved but after encouragement from me she made friends with a group of girls ( some of whom were single, divorced or dating but non married) .

At first I was happy she made friends but then she started going out for drinks, partying or something other thing her friends had planned. I became concerned by her change in behavior and tried to talk to her about it but at the same time didn’t want to restrict her in anyway, it started to affect our relationship in the bedroom. My wife wasn’t one to initiate intimacy but with her continued going out she was either too tired or wasn’t in the mood, at some point her company got a new manager whom my wife and her friends had taken a shining to . She began mentioning him in passing but it got a point where pointing how he handled certain problems that didn’t seem to be work related, I questioned her on her Festination with this man and she brushed off my concerns. She even started asking if I regretted not having more experience with woman to which I said No because she is all I ever needed. I swore I thought for a moment I saw a flash of sadness in her eyes but she quickly changed the subject.

She started mentioning “open marriages” as a way to spice up our marriage, I was taken back because my wife was never this kind of person and not that liberal sexually to be honest. I at first refused and questioned if this had anything to do with the new manager to which she denied but said she felt like “ MISSED OUT” but at the same time didn’t want to lose me so this was a safer option. I warned her that she was playing with fire then reluctantly and naïvely agreed. So we set some rules mainly not to sleep with another person in our home, so for a year and my wife goes on dates , has one night stands then as if I didn’t see it coming somehow is in some kind of relationship with that manager. I on the other hand had a few dates but no “one night stands” because freaky it felt wrong to me , my wife would ask if I was fine but really wouldn’t change her behavior.

At some point I felt the love I had for her , that pure special innocence of marriage was gone and it was killing me inside. I ended going on a date with an amazing woman who migrated over from South Korea , Conversation was effortless , she had wit of a lighting fast wipe crack and a smile that had one forget himself. This of course led to more dates until we were intimate , I honestly never had sex like I had with this woman, I never knew a woman could be so giving and make one feel so desirable. At first my wife thought it was cute but as the months went by she began questioning my relationship with my lover , I promptly pointed out that this was her idea and even she was in a relationship with the manager I was concerned about. She was silent, looked she wanted to say something but held her tongue . She began coming home early to surprise me with dinner and get the house extra clean, she so started coming to my work place to drop off lunch and began to initiate intimacy in the bedroom. Honestly if it wasn’t for her opening up our marriage (which I am also to blame for agreeing) all this would’ve had me jumping for joy.

I barely gave into her attempts at intimacy and when I did it was simply to get it over with. Something in me towards my wife died and I could see she felt it too. I ask what brought on this change in her , what was different , the response I got was that she wants to she wants to show me that she loves me and is happy with me. I never intended to but I burst out laughing , I asked about her little group of friends, her manager lover or her one night stands. She didn’t respond that day and simply went to bed in tears. The next day I get home to find her waiting for me . She told me she wants to close the marriage, that this whole experience was a horrible mistake , that regrets everything and wants “US” to be the Focus Of our relationship again. I told her to be honest with me and tell me what inspired all this in the first place and wouldn’t you know it , it was her group of friends that planted the idea because of their numerous sexual exploits and when her manager came around he surprisingly supported that lifestyle and encouraged my wife to live free. Apparently it developed into an emotional affair but only got physical once the marriage opened (wow like that makes it better).She described it as being drunk behind the wheel of a speeding car , it was thrilling and intoxicating but the price of this decision has become too much for her to bear.

She sees now that she never needed a comparison , that what we had was truly unique and special but now she feels like she murdered our marriage and any chance of a life together. I told her I might not to ever be able to see her as my wife again and this made her breakdown infront of me , I simply held her in silence as she cried until she fell asleep in My arms on the couch. She has since left her job and cut of contact with all her friends and her manager and even told me she’s willing to spend the rest of her life making it up to me and work her fingers to the bone to been seen as a wife by me but I haven’t cut contact with my lover. My lover quite frankly makes me feel like a man , like I can challenge the world and my wife hasn’t in a while. Truth is I don’t know what to do in this situation. I would love to get the special feeling back if possible but my lover basically saved me when I was at my lowest. Please help me.

Forgot to add we have our first marriage counseling session in a couple of hours, not sure how that will go.


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## lifeistooshort

Let's start with this:

Is your lover married? If so does her husband know about this?

Does she know you're married?

Is it your intent to remain married and keep her as a side piece? What does she want?

Why haven't you filed for divorce?

Why are you bothering with counseling if you're still seeing your side piece? I mean, I get why you got one and don't blame you for feeling like you do....bringing others into the marriage rarely works out well and typically breaks the marital bond, and there's always a risk that one or both parties will meet someone they like more then their spouse.

So what is your goal here?


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## Laurentium

Wow. I wonder how that counselling session went.



lifeistooshort said:


> So what is your goal here?


Yeah, my first reaction was, "so what exactly is your question?"


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## Rlc307

She's only regretting what happened because the fun and exciting fling she had with her manager went sour. Pair that with seeing you having a great time while that went south... I'm sure she is feeling regrets. Personally just by what I read, I can't imagine this can be repaired when you have kind of moved on. I am curious how the counseling session went too. Obviously if you are not willing to give up your lover you might as well pack your bags and look for a lawyer.
Like someone said previously, it's not a good idea to bring other people into the relationship. Sounds like her entire plan backfired on her big time and she's only feeling crappy because she's not in your shoes.


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## MattMatt

It never ceases to amaze me when people break or smash their marriage and then start sobbing because the marriage is broken.










This sign is in antique shops for a reason








This situation is a mess. Caused, initially, by your wife.

How did the counselling session go?

What result do you want? Divorce and start properly dating your lover? Or reconciliation with your wife? If so, a post-nup if possible in your country would be advisable.


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## Need help moving forward

Thank you all for your replies and to a few questions before the update 
1. My lover is not married but she does of the open marriage.
2.My intention for this marriage is still unclear mainly because I feel as much as I love my wife I cannot trust her yet at the same time I find myself unable to truly let go because of our years together and the reason I agreed to counseling sessions was to figure out if I can come to a solution of sound mind and get of the “ indecisive train “

Any way here’s how our first counseling session went 


The therapist seemed nice and experienced , she appeared unbiased and actually eager to help. Even though it was our very first session my wife took it as an opportunity to “ lay it all out “ it seems . She confessed that this group of friends made her wonder if she had missed her chance because she was committed to her first boyfriend and had no other experiences , that she never had the same adventures some of these “Supposedly amazing “ women had. Remember some of whom are divorced but none are married. The therapist pointed out that this can be and often is detrimental to a marriage due to the difference in mindset .

My wife seemed to agreed than added that after the new manager started approaching her some of these friends encouraged her to “see where it goes” , that this was a chance for her to “explore “ or “discover “ herself. She obviously felt guilty (so she says ) so she never did anything physical until one of the divorced ones suggested an open marriage as a loop hole and told her that some couples come out stronger because of it. So after regrettably ( again so she says) convincing me to open up the marriage her so called adventure began. It was intoxicating and blinding but lacked real substance , not like the kind we built over the years and she started to question her reasons for doing this. She said she could see the hurt in my eyes but told herself this was an adventure (she said she’ll never forgive herself for this) , she chance to have an amazing experience so the gravity of it all never it until she noticed a change in me.

At first she assumed because I went on dates I would gradually accept her situation and be OK with it but that all changed when my lover became a Constant appearance in my adventure. Apparently I started to smile again for no reason and my eyes would light up when I would get a text message or when I cheerfully left the room to answer a call. She said she suddenly felt a pit in her stomach and started to get mini panic attacks for no reason. She went to her friends for advice again but they said it was a normal reaction for me to have during the adventure but when the same divorced one who suggested this in the first place said “It looks like his lover makes him happy “ is when the reality of it all finally dawned on her and the very real possibility that another woman and not his wife gave him joy almost made her pass out . She realized how ridiculous this all was and begged them to help her win me back but they just told her if she couldn’t deal with it why did she open her marriage in the first place. She knew then and there that these people were toxic and a threat to our marriage and the life we built hence she’s been on a mission to win be back by any means necessary .

I on the other hand didn’t share much but I did let the counselor know about the situation on my side with my lover still in the picture to which no resolution could ever be reached with my lover still in the picture so I booked another appointment after tomorrow. Sorry that it’s long but I figured I might aswell give a full update


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## nekonamida

NHMF, you have done nothing wrong. You were faithful before your relationship opened up and every step taken was one with your wife's permission. She, however, qualifies as a cheater. Just because she said nothing physical happened before she opened up the relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's true or that she's somehow less of a cheater even if she waited. She wanted to. She wanted to so badly she manufactured your consent to get it. Would you have still opened up the relationship had she been honest and told you she wanted to date and sleep with her manager? Probably not, right?

The worst decision you can make is one in which you feel unfulfilled and full of regret. You do not owe her the marriage. You do not owe her R. You only owe yourself an authentic life from this point forward with or without your wife. It is not your responsibility to fix this or get over this for her sake. And do you know how many spouses who cheated said they would spend their life making it up only to cheat again or think it's acceptable to pick and choose what their betrayed spouse gets in terms of just compensation? Just because she says she will do anything does not mean that she will.

I get the strong impression that if you truly wanted to be with your wife in a monogamous marriage, you would have dropped the lover and be here asking us how to R. You're not though which makes me think you're not all that interested in R'ing with your wife after learning the truth. Who would blame you? Your options are your lover who makes you feel great or have that taken away and jump into a FUBAR marriage full of resentment and frustration. 

Figure things out with the lover first. Even though your wife betrayed you and broke your trust, you can't keep your lover and stay married. If you're unwilling to give up your lover, the answer is clear. The marriage needs to end. But even if you don't see a long term future with your lover, it's okay if you'd still prefer the marriage to end. This is a time to put yourself first. Remember - the worst outcome is not necessarily R or D with your wife. It's a situation in which you feel full of resentment and regret. 

Your wife also is not the beacon of remorse either if she thinks she can win you back by cooking, cleaning, and giving sex on demand. She needs to actually explore why she felt it was okay to have an inappropriate relationship and trick you into consenting to sex with multiple OM. Otherwise, what's to stop her from doing it again in the future and just not telling you or including you in the decision next time? It's not entirely the manager's fault and he's not the one who made vows to you. She chose to do this and deceive you and now she's trying to sell you on another easily broken promise without a real solution to the problems with her behavior that lead to this situation. She's not going to be the perfect bang maid forever.

Have you talked this over with your lover yet and explored why you don't want to give her up?


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## Need help moving forward

/nekonamida Once again thank you for your insight and I believe you have a point. My lover would always text me first and just yesterday morning she wrote “ morning handsome, slept in your t-shirt last night because it has your scent and it makes me feel like your arms still around me” . If ever there was a way to brighten my day this was surely it , the only problem was that my wife read the message first, I woke up to find her sitting on the edge of our bed staring at my phone with shaking hands. I just took my phone and didn’t say anything as I went to shower.

My lover and I have had conversations about my situation, at first she thought I was the one looking to fool around like most guys but was surprised to learn otherwise and even added that wife doesn’t realize what she has because if she was in my wife’s position she absolutely wouldn’t let a man like me go.

My wife on the other hand got rid of all the clothes she had while on this adventure. She says she can’t listen to the same music anymore because it fills her with shame and guilt every single time , she even stopped going to her favorite places because she feels she violated them by her actions and the only safe place is our home because it was untouched. I see that she really is trying and i’ve been thinking of some of the suggestion to at least let my lover go in order to make a decision of sound mind.


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## BluesPower

Need help moving forward said:


> Thank you all for your replies and to a few questions before the update
> 1. My lover is not married but she does of the open marriage.
> 2.My intention for this marriage is still unclear mainly because I feel as much as I love my wife I cannot trust her yet at the same time I find myself unable to truly let go because of our years together and the reason I agreed to counseling sessions was to figure out if I can come to a solution of sound mind and get of the “ indecisive train “
> 
> Any way here’s how our first counseling session went
> 
> 
> The therapist seemed nice and experienced , she appeared unbiased and actually eager to help. Even though it was our very first session my wife took it as an opportunity to “ lay it all out “ it seems . She confessed that this group of friends made her wonder if she had missed her chance because she was committed to her first boyfriend and had no other experiences , that she never had the same adventures some of these “Supposedly amazing “ women had. Remember some of whom are divorced but none are married. The therapist pointed out that this can be and often is detrimental to a marriage due to the difference in mindset .
> 
> My wife seemed to agreed than added that after the new manager started approaching her some of these friends encouraged her to “see where it goes” , that this was a chance for her to “explore “ or “discover “ herself. She obviously felt guilty (so she says ) so she never did anything physical until one of the divorced ones suggested an open marriage as a loop hole and told her that some couples come out stronger because of it. So after regrettably ( again so she says) convincing me to open up the marriage her so called adventure began. It was intoxicating and blinding but lacked real substance , not like the kind we built over the years and she started to question her reasons for doing this. She said she could see the hurt in my eyes but told herself this was an adventure (she said she’ll never forgive herself for this) , she chance to have an amazing experience so the gravity of it all never it until she noticed a change in me.
> 
> At first she assumed because I went on dates I would gradually accept her situation and be OK with it but that all changed when my lover became a Constant appearance in my adventure. Apparently I started to smile again for no reason and my eyes would light up when I would get a text message or when I cheerfully left the room to answer a call. She said she suddenly felt a pit in her stomach and started to get mini panic attacks for no reason. She went to her friends for advice again but they said it was a normal reaction for me to have during the adventure but when the same divorced one who suggested this in the first place said “It looks like his lover makes him happy “ is when the reality of it all finally dawned on her and the very real possibility that another woman and not his wife gave him joy almost made her pass out . She realized how ridiculous this all was and begged them to help her win me back but they just told her if she couldn’t deal with it why did she open her marriage in the first place. She knew then and there that these people were toxic and a threat to our marriage and the life we built hence she’s been on a mission to win be back by any means necessary .
> 
> I on the other hand didn’t share much but I did let the counselor know about the situation on my side with my lover still in the picture to which no resolution could ever be reached with my lover still in the picture so I booked another appointment after tomorrow. Sorry that it’s long but I figured I might aswell give a full update


I am with everyone else, she thought this was such a great idea, what a child. 

If she was worried about losing you she should have had more sense. Personally, the way that you talk sounds like you just want to be done. 

I would not have allowed it in the first place, if I did not want too. I am not at this stage of life anymore. I have been in Open R's before but not serious ones. And Def not a marriage. 

I think what she did was just too much, I would get out. She can go be with her BF, and her toxic friend...


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## BluesPower

Need help moving forward said:


> /nekonamida Once again thank you for your insight and I believe you have a point. My lover would always text me first and just yesterday morning she wrote “ morning handsome, slept in your t-shirt last night because it has your scent and it makes me feel like your arms still around me” . If ever there was a way to brighten my day this was surely it , the only problem was that my wife read the message first, I woke up to find her sitting on the edge of our bed staring at my phone with shaking hands. I just took my phone and didn’t say anything as I went to shower.
> 
> My lover and I have had conversations about my situation, at first she thought I was the one looking to fool around like most guys but was surprised to learn otherwise and even added that wife doesn’t realize what she has because if she was in my wife’s position she absolutely wouldn’t let a man like me go.
> 
> My wife on the other hand got rid of all the clothes she had while on this adventure. She says she can’t listen to the same music anymore because it fills her with shame and guilt every single time , she even stopped going to her favorite places because she feels she violated them by her actions and the only safe place is our home because it was untouched. I see that she really is trying and i’ve been thinking of some of the suggestion to at least let my lover go in order to make a decision of sound mind.



So what if your wife found it, who cares. If she is that upset let her file for divorce... 

Boo hoo for little princes...


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## lifeistooshort

While it is true that you didn't start this, its ****ty of you to essentially string your wife along like this. The fact is that even if she hadn't started this she can't compete with the fantasy that is your gf.

Yoir gf gets the best of you and you get the best of her. You guys don't have to deal with the real versions of each other. You're like a teenager going gaga because someone told you you're handsome.

Do the adult thing and file for divorce. You didn't start this, but jerking her around and going to counseling while you have your gf on the side is abusive. And frankly your gf is of questionable character for being willing to get involved in this.


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## lifeistooshort

BluesPower said:


> So what if your wife found it, who cares. If she is that upset let her file for divorce...
> 
> Boo hoo for little princes...



Wife's bad behavior doesn't make it ok for him to behave poorly. If genders were reversed here and a betrayed wife was keeping her bf on the side while her hb had a breakdown she'd be torn apart.

He's completely justified in filing, but not in jerking his wife around while he keeps a fantasy side piece....who by the way is of such poor character that she was willing to screw a married man.

He either wants his marriage or he doesn't. I think he should end it, but either way he's got to make a decision.


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## BluesPower

lifeistooshort said:


> While it is true that you didn't start this, its ****ty of you to essentially string your wife along like this. The fact is that even if she hadn't started this she can't compete with the fantasy that is your gf.
> 
> Yoir gf gets the best of you and you get the best of her. You guys don't have to deal with the real versions of each other. You're like a teenager going gaga because someone told you you're handsome.
> 
> Do the adult thing and file for divorce. You didn't start this, but jerking her around and going to counseling while you have your gf on the side is abusive. And frankly your gf is of questionable character for being willing to get involved in this.


 I am just so surprised after what you have been through. You really think he is wrong, even after the ILYBNILWY speech and the affair. 

She wanted to open up the Marriage and he went along, and now has met someone...


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## Adelais

Your girlfriend isn't all that. She dated a man who is married, she will cheat on you too. 

You and your wife have rung the bell. You can't unring it. If you want to stay married, and get back some joy and peace with your wife, you will have to choose her, meaning dump the sidepiece. I believe your wife won't want to "open" the marriage again. She has learned her lesson.

If you want to be with the affair partner, you need to divorce your wife. If you make this choice, know that committing to the sidepiece is more risky than staying with your wife, because the sidepiece has already proven that she doesn't respect marriage. Your wife's stupid mistake, and your affair partner's selfish decision are not equal.


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## BluesPower

Adelais said:


> Your girlfriend isn't all that. She dated a man who is married, she will cheat on you too.
> 
> You and your wife have rung the bell. You can't unring it. If you want to stay married, and get back some joy and peace with your wife, you will have to choose her, meaning dump the sidepiece. I believe your wife won't want to "open" the marriage again. She has learned her lesson.
> 
> If you want to be with the affair partner, you need to divorce your wife. If you make this choice, know that committing to the sidepiece is more risky than staying with your wife, because the sidepiece has already proven that she doesn't respect marriage. Your wife's stupid mistake, and your affair partner's selfish decision are not equal.


Wow, I just don't know guys. 

This woman knew what she was getting into, and she choose to. If the GF is bad then what does that make his lying cheating wife. 

Are you guys reading the thread? He did not want the open marriage. You could criticize him for being weak or that he should have known better, but as far as I see that is about all he did wrong... 

And the GF is blameless in all of this no matter what her motives are.


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## nekonamida

NHMF, what positives do you see to staying with your wife? Put aside the fact that she's trying right now because it's a nonfactor. And by the way, if she's not owning her cheating and Googling what she should do as a cheater, she's not really trying. She's regretting her actions and desperately trying to put the broken vase back together to pretend it never broke. Read some infidelity threads. It NEVER works.

Putting your wife's actions aside for a minute, why would you want to stay with her and engage on a lengthy journey through R?


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## lifeistooshort

BluesPower said:


> I am just so surprised after what you have been through. You really think he is wrong, even after the ILYBNILWY speech and the affair.
> 
> She wanted to open up the Marriage and he went along, and now has met someone...


Nope.  I don't fault him at all for finding someone else....I'm saying that it's unfair to string her along and keep the gf.

If he wants the gf then file for divorce.

How is what he's doing honorable? Before he had high ground but now he doesn't. I never would've kept another guy under my ex's nose, even though he kept his ex....that's just trashy. I filed for divorce and so should the OP.

Open marriages only work as long as both parties are on board with it.


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## lifeistooshort

BluesPower said:


> Wow, I just don't know guys.
> 
> This woman knew what she was getting into, and she choose to. If the GF is bad then what does that make his lying cheating wife.
> 
> Are you guys reading the thread? He did not want the open marriage. You could criticize him for being weak or that he should have known better, but as far as I see that is about all he did wrong...
> 
> And the GF is blameless in all of this no matter what her motives are.


So it's your position that it's fine for him to string his wife along and keep the gf?

You'd be ok with a betrayed wife keeping a bf around while going to counseling with her husband?


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## aine

In all honesty this is a major mess

1. your wife got what she wanted like a spoilt princess and now doesn't like it when she knows she could lose you. Too bad. How old is she 12?
2. You are enjoying the attention of 2 women it is good for your ego, (which I see peeking through in your posts). Your ego was destroyed by your wife, this OW builds it up.
3. Your wife may very well get itchy again once she realizes she has your back. I don't think your heart is in this at all. You know there is too much risk.
4. Your OW knew that she was in the middle of a marriage, great character she has. You say she is Korean, does she need citizenship?
5. To be honest you need your own IC first to see why a man in a marriage would let his wife do what she did in the first place and not set boundaries and secondly why you are so indecisive. I do not think you have what it takes to really work on the marriage (you can't set boundaries), and secondly this OW will make you feel good until you start living a real life with her and it will not be so wonderful.

Take space from both of the women and work on yourself. Ask wife for a separation and dump the OW. Be on your own for a while. Your WW needs to be on her own also to see why she blew up her marriage for a quick buzz. You cannot solve your problem in the middle of it. You need to step back.


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## aine

lifeistooshort said:


> So it's your position that it's fine for him to string his wife along and keep the gf?
> 
> You'd be ok with a betrayed wife keeping a bf around while going to counseling with her husband?



it is not ok. No marriage can be worked on while a third party is involved but I think this marriage is gone.


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## EveningThoughts

There is opening the marriage for the occasional extra fun, but you fully opened your marriage for a year!
You are both naive.
After the first extra marital date, did you both discuss again how you were handling it?
You still went along with it, so I'm guessing you were ok with it at that point, or you would have said that you couldn't handle it. And it was possibly new and exciting for you in some ways.
There is some truth behind the ldea that she or both of you might have missed out, and it does hit some people during their relationships, if they are with their first and only.

At this point, it looks like only your wife did ask to stop it. The marriage was open for a year, did you at any point say that you had had enough?

You say your wife is your first and only and that you didn't go on many dates.
Your new girlfriend seems to know exactly what to say to make a man enamoured, “ morning handsome, slept in your t-shirt last night because it has your scent and it makes me feel like your arms still around me"
She says all the right things, is probably great and giving in bed as well.
How many other boyfriends does she have?
I'm sure she isn't after you for citizenship, you are married anyway when she met you. But she does seem too perfect in a way. But maybe that's because we only here from you how perfect she is.

You both messed up your marriage big time. Your wife by going ahead with the idea, and you for agreeing with it. And I know this sounds counter intuitive, but your wife might have lost some respect for you also, for "allowing" her to make such a horrendously bad decision. It might backfire now, and you could oddly get some blame from her, for not cherishing her and fighting her on the idea, or at least taking more of a stance on it, rather than letting her trample all over your feelings.
You need to examine why you let it continue if you weren't happy with it.

You also need to think about your future without your girlfriend. What if your girlfriend finishes with you? Would you then want your wife back or not? Would you be happier single than married to your wife?


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## Lostinthought61

I am almost certain had you not found your lover, and you were sitting home while she was having fun she would not have stopped....the only reason she stopped and took pause of this whole ordeal was because she saw that she was losing you not to anger, not to divorce but to another woman...that is the only reason she stopped. What you are seeing and experiencing the same thing that occurs over and over again in relationship with the woman wants to be a hot wife or experience outside marriage play but once they see that their husband wants to play they get a jealous streak that takes over and they suddenly come back to the marriage closing things off. Look it up yourself. It is also indicative of cheaters as well...there is only room for one cheater, once the other spouse plays then they become hypocrites of the highest degree. So lets be honest here, your wife only changed after she realized you could find someone who had the potential of replacing her.


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## nekonamida

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am almost certain had you not found your lover, and you were sitting home while she was having fun she would not have stopped....


I've been thinking about it too and I agree. Your wife has been operating from a selfish playbook every step of the way with little regard to your feelings. She initiated opening the marriage due to her own selfish desires. She encouraged you to get a girlfriend to assuage her guilt over who she was banging. She only started to regret it after she noticed what you were really getting out of it. She's again trying to enact her selfishness over the situation by expecting you to drop your lover and forgive her for cheating without her taking accountability for it. If anything, she may think you too are guilty for going along with what she wanted every step of the way. There's no way she would have agreed to close the marriage without fuss if you were the only one getting a raw deal and wanted out.

What if things had gone well with her manager and they were still in a relationship? Do you really think she would still be regretting it and trying to close the marriage? Do you think she would have eventually ended your marriage to be with him if he asked her to?


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## BluesPower

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope. I don't fault him at all for finding someone else....I'm saying that it's unfair to string her along and keep the gf.
> 
> If he wants the gf then file for divorce.
> 
> How is what he's doing honorable? Before he had high ground but now he doesn't. I never would've kept another guy under my ex's nose, even though he kept his ex....that's just trashy. I filed for divorce and so should the OP.
> 
> Open marriages only work as long as both parties are on board with it.


No she could file for divorce...

We will just have a agree to disagree about this. 

She wanted to screw around, SHE gets what she deserves, and now she is all butt hurt. 

If this was a female in this situation we would not even be having this discussion.


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## lifeistooshort

BluesPower said:


> No she could file for divorce...
> 
> We will just have a agree to disagree about this.
> 
> She wanted to screw around, SHE gets what she deserves, and now she is all butt hurt.
> 
> If this was a female in this situation we would not even be having this discussion.


You're right...we wouldn't be having this discussion because a betrayed wife who kept a bf under her husband's nose after he decided he no longer wanted an open marriage would be torn to shreds here. You've been around here long enough to know that as well as I do.

Nobody would tell her to keep her bf and if her hb didn't like it he could file.

I'll agree to disagree about whether the gf is trash, because IMO she is.


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## hinterdir

Need help moving forward said:


> Hello all never once did I think I would get to this point, to the point of reaching out to strangers on the internet for guidance but here we are. My wife and I have been together for 10 years but married for eight, we met in college and were each other’s firsts and only. I honestly thought we had a unique and beautiful relationship because of that but it appears that was just me. Some time ago my wife began working at new company, at first she found it difficult to fit in because she’s always been reserved but after encouragement from me she made friends with a group of girls ( some of whom were single, divorced or dating but non married) .
> 
> At first I was happy she made friends but then she started going out for drinks, partying or something other thing her friends had planned. I became concerned by her change in behavior and tried to talk to her about it but at the same time didn’t want to restrict her in anyway, it started to affect our relationship in the bedroom. My wife wasn’t one to initiate intimacy but with her continued going out she was either too tired or wasn’t in the mood, at some point her company got a new manager whom my wife and her friends had taken a shining to . She began mentioning him in passing but it got a point where pointing how he handled certain problems that didn’t seem to be work related, I questioned her on her Festination with this man and she brushed off my concerns. She even started asking if I regretted not having more experience with woman to which I said No because she is all I ever needed. I swore I thought for a moment I saw a flash of sadness in her eyes but she quickly changed the subject.
> 
> She started mentioning “open marriages” as a way to spice up our marriage, I was taken back because my wife was never this kind of person and not that liberal sexually to be honest. I at first refused and questioned if this had anything to do with the new manager to which she denied but said she felt like “ MISSED OUT” but at the same time didn’t want to lose me so this was a safer option. I warned her that she was playing with fire then reluctantly and naïvely agreed. So we set some rules mainly not to sleep with another person in our home, so for a year and my wife goes on dates , has one night stands then as if I didn’t see it coming somehow is in some kind of relationship with that manager. I on the other hand had a few dates but no “one night stands” because freaky it felt wrong to me , my wife would ask if I was fine but really wouldn’t change her behavior.
> 
> At some point I felt the love I had for her , that pure special innocence of marriage was gone and it was killing me inside. I ended going on a date with an amazing woman who migrated over from South Korea , Conversation was effortless , she had wit of a lighting fast wipe crack and a smile that had one forget himself. This of course led to more dates until we were intimate , I honestly never had sex like I had with this woman, I never knew a woman could be so giving and make one feel so desirable. At first my wife thought it was cute but as the months went by she began questioning my relationship with my lover , I promptly pointed out that this was her idea and even she was in a relationship with the manager I was concerned about. She was silent, looked she wanted to say something but held her tongue . She began coming home early to surprise me with dinner and get the house extra clean, she so started coming to my work place to drop off lunch and began to initiate intimacy in the bedroom. Honestly if it wasn’t for her opening up our marriage (which I am also to blame for agreeing) all this would’ve had me jumping for joy.
> 
> I barely gave into her attempts at intimacy and when I did it was simply to get it over with. Something in me towards my wife died and I could see she felt it too. I ask what brought on this change in her , what was different , the response I got was that she wants to she wants to show me that she loves me and is happy with me. I never intended to but I burst out laughing , I asked about her little group of friends, her manager lover or her one night stands. She didn’t respond that day and simply went to bed in tears. The next day I get home to find her waiting for me . She told me she wants to close the marriage, that this whole experience was a horrible mistake , that regrets everything and wants “US” to be the Focus Of our relationship again. I told her to be honest with me and tell me what inspired all this in the first place and wouldn’t you know it , it was her group of friends that planted the idea because of their numerous sexual exploits and when her manager came around he surprisingly supported that lifestyle and encouraged my wife to live free. Apparently it developed into an emotional affair but only got physical once the marriage opened (wow like that makes it better).She described it as being drunk behind the wheel of a speeding car , it was thrilling and intoxicating but the price of this decision has become too much for her to bear.
> 
> She sees now that she never needed a comparison , that what we had was truly unique and special but now she feels like she murdered our marriage and any chance of a life together. I told her I might not to ever be able to see her as my wife again and this made her breakdown infront of me , I simply held her in silence as she cried until she fell asleep in My arms on the couch. She has since left her job and cut of contact with all her friends and her manager and even told me she’s willing to spend the rest of her life making it up to me and work her fingers to the bone to been seen as a wife by me but I haven’t cut contact with my lover. My lover quite frankly makes me feel like a man , like I can challenge the world and my wife hasn’t in a while. Truth is I don’t know what to do in this situation. I would love to get the special feeling back if possible but my lover basically saved me when I was at my lowest. Please help me.
> 
> Forgot to add we have our first marriage counseling session in a couple of hours, not sure how that will go.


Yes, it sounds like this basically ruined and killed the marriage. 
How it was is forever gone and I'd say the chances of you two making this "marriage" work are very, very low. 
You've both committed adultery against the other multiple times and you each "allowing" it doesn't make any difference.
I'd say you guys are probably finished. 

ps - does the girl you are getting along with so well, does she know you are married and she's ok with getting with a married guy or are you keeping it a secret from her?


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## LisaDiane

lifeistooshort said:


> You're right...we wouldn't be having this discussion because a betrayed wife who kept a bf under her husband's nose after he decided he no longer wanted an open marriage would be torn to shreds here. You've been around here long enough to know that as well as I do.
> 
> Nobody would tell her to keep her bf and if her hb didn't like it he could file.
> 
> I'll agree to disagree about whether the gf is trash, because IMO she is.


I don't think he agreed to "close" his marriage just because his wife changed his mind...am I wrong...??

Besides, I definitely do not feel bad for selfish people getting a taste of their own medicine - SHE got what SHE wanted...and now she is having trouble actually living with it...I'm having trouble seeing her as any kind of sympathetic figure or "betrayed" spouse in this drama-of-her-own-choosing...


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## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> I don't think he agreed to "close" his marriage just because his wife changed his mind...am I wrong...??
> 
> Besides, I definitely do not feel bad for selfish people getting a taste of their own medicine - SHE got what SHE wanted...and now she is having trouble actually living with it...I'm having trouble seeing her as any kind of sympathetic figure or "betrayed" spouse in this drama-of-her-own-choosing...


I don't feel bad that she got a taste of her own medicine. I'm saying that it's now trashy and unhelpful to go to counseling while keeping your gf on the side, and that if this was a betrayed wife keeping a bf around she'd be getting torn up here.

The situation as it is now is untenable....IMO he needs to file for divorce.

I know a couple like this....mutually agreed upon open marriage where hb and wife got different things out of it. Hb got strange and wife got emotionally involved....when hb realized this he went ballistic and wanted to close the marriage, but it was too late...she didn't want to give up tte bf. He continued to go nuts and they are now divorced. It was really unhealthy and at times dangerous.

If they are not in agreement the marriage either closes or they divorce. He got his strange just like her.


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## She'sStillGotIt

My biggest impression is that the OP's wife just LOVES to blame her 'bad' friends for ALL her selfish choices and actions. And of course, their "therapist" was only too happy to pander to her and agree that having friends like that aren't really good for a marriage. 

According to the wife, it was her *bad* friends who encouraged her to 'explore,' and it was her *bad *friends who encouraged her to take things further with the guy at work, and it was her *bad* friends who told her she could get away with having fun if she proposed an open marriage to the OP.

So when you really think about it, she's just kind of a *victim*, yannow? 🙄 🙄 🙄

What she's doing is so typical. She was having her fun and getting away with it and everything was great - until she saw the OP wasn't crying into his Wheaties over her anymore. Hmmmpf! There will be NONE of that! Suddenly, she can't love and want the OP enough and wants him back all to herself.

You know what's going to happen in a few months or a year, OP? She's going to realize that the biggest reason she HAD to have you back wasn't her undying love for you, it was because she felt threatened by your girlfriend she was no longer number #1. And once she's feeling secure again when your girlfriend is gone and it's just you two again, don't be surprised when she goes right back to being unfulfilled again. That's pretty much a guarantee.

If I were you, I'd divorce the wife and take the girlfriend.


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## Tdbo

This quote says it all:
"She sees now that she never needed a comparison , that what we had was truly unique and special but now she feels like she murdered our marriage and any chance of a life together."
She deserves a dab of credit, at least she's not in "The Fog."
She has also learned that if one does stupid things, they should expect stupid bad results.
You have to do what is right for you. Sounds like the situation might be workable, although I'm not sure why you would want to.
She wanted it all, you and her boyfriend. I doubt she ever thought that you would catch some traction and find someone who wanted you. Now that you have, she knows that she is damaged goods.
Sucks to be her.


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## Rlc307

hinterdir said:


> Yes, it sounds like this basically ruined and killed the marriage.
> How it was is forever gone and I'd say the chances of you two making this "marriage" work are very, very low.
> You've both committed adultery against the other multiple times and you each "allowing" it doesn't make any difference.
> I'd say you guys are probably finished.
> 
> ps - does the girl you are getting along with so well, does she know you are married and she's ok with getting with a married guy or are you keeping it a secret from her?


He said his lover knows about the situation pretty well and she isn't married.
"

My lover and I have had conversations about my situation, at first she thought I was the one looking to fool around like most guys but was surprised to learn otherwise and even added that wife doesn’t realize what she has because if she was in my wife’s position she absolutely wouldn’t let a man like me go."

I feel like this marriage is over. I actually understand the conversation you mentioned regarding her feeling like she "missed out." She probably did feel that way. But she chose poorly and should have worked this out with you as a couple. There are so many other ways this situation could have been handled. She didn't care about your feelings whatsoever and I don't feel like she is actually taking any accountability for those choices. Her "friends" didn't cause any of this. I am actually pretty disgusted in how much blame she has put on her friends. Why is an making this out to be like she was brainwashed and can't make decisions on her own? That's stooping to a whole new low. You can't respect someone who screws up and acts like a victim. 

Of course you two had something special that is extremely uncommon but that is gone now. It sounds like that was a major part of the foundation of your relationship. Since that's no longer the case that is tough. Even though this was her idea I think what happened to your marriage was too traumatic for either of you to ever trust eachother again. 

I agree that you need your own time to find you and work on you. You are just in the fun stages with a new, exciting lover who has all the right things to say. There is probably no future with someone who is okay with being a side piece.


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## Thebetrayed

Need help moving forward said:


> /nekonamida Once again thank you for your insight and I believe you have a point. My lover would always text me first and just yesterday morning she wrote “ morning handsome, slept in your t-shirt last night because it has your scent and it makes me feel like your arms still around me” . If ever there was a way to brighten my day this was surely it , the only problem was that my wife read the message first, I woke up to find her sitting on the edge of our bed staring at my phone with shaking hands. I just took my phone and didn’t say anything as I went to shower.
> 
> My lover and I have had conversations about my situation, at first she thought I was the one looking to fool around like most guys but was surprised to learn otherwise and even added that wife doesn’t realize what she has because if she was in my wife’s position she absolutely wouldn’t let a man like me go.
> 
> My wife on the other hand got rid of all the clothes she had while on this adventure. She says she can’t listen to the same music anymore because it fills her with shame and guilt every single time , she even stopped going to her favorite places because she feels she violated them by her actions and the only safe place is our home because it was untouched. I see that she really is trying and i’ve been thinking of some of the suggestion to at least let my lover go in order to make a decision of sound mind.


Are you and your wife caucasian?
And you can bet if you are!
She was having her back blown out down in the hood 
YOU FOUND BETTER 
DONT BE A SIMP 
Also ask her this, what makes what you and her had that made it special (you already know and you know it cant be special agian especially since she did her best to **** her self out to her boss and the brothras. I mean if you like sticking your **** into a used condom because that's what your wife is now! and your girlfriend should be your wife)
And Tell you're wife to go back slutting back in the hood


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