# Can I move on if he is not humble?



## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

Me, BW 50, WH 48, 25 yrs married.18mos ago he had EA<PA with 25 yr newlywed CW. We both followed the playbook to a T. He lied, denied, gaslighted..I cried, begged, and snooped. It ended when she quit her job, not because he had some epiphany. He couldn't tell me it ended, cuz then he would be admitting that something really did happen. Over the next year, I remained hypersensitive to every move he made, only to find nothing. It has been long over, but only recently after my many attempts to get him to take responsibity did he admit to "innapropriate frienship" and a 1 time BJ (BS, I know, classic minimizing). He just wants to never talk about it, ever. I Have not seen any of the heavylifting, that I need to heal. He expects unconditional foregiveness. I want all the lies between us to go away To have the kind of marriage we should have had , where the hard conversations aren't "off the table", Where his unilateral decisions are not the norm. Will I ever get over it with a "my way or the hiway" STUBBORN kind of man? Do we have a chance?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this is proof that rugsweeping gets you no where

I hope you exposed OW to her husband


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

CW?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think it means coworker in the context


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You can move on even if he is humble. It's all up to you if you think it's worth it to fix your M and be with someone who cheated on you for the next who knows how many years.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered, I have read many of your posts, including your story.He was a cakeater, and is a classic rugsweeper. Friends and family all tell me it is me, I need to get over it and move on. How do some people just move on, with their spouse when they never got the truth, and won't. He tells me I CHOOSE to live in the past. As long as I never bring it up, he really believes we will live happily evr after. Sometimes i think it's just his excuse for next time.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well someone who doesnt face consequences of their actions is likely to do it again

now what are you going to do about it?


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I went through an entirely miserable experience with my wife until I finally manned up and got a lawyer. That was like a bucket of ice water to the face. She finally stopped lieing and cheating on me.

And I haven't had a problem since.

So that's what I always recommend. Talk to a lawyer. Tell your husband about it. That'll get his attention quick.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

The A ended over a yr ago, I only got some trickle truth recently. I might be obsessive, but hate the rugsweeping. Does his anger come from guilt or justification? I know in my heart I am capable of forgiveness.I know I can get thru this by talking, he believes we can get thru it if I just shut up.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

He thinks the consequences are putting up with my rollercoaster of emotions. I didn't get full disclosure, transparency, ect. He thinks just being here is enough. As long as I prentend to move on, he is fully connected, if I even try to share what I feel, if it is not positive, well then the walls go up and we are back to square 1, emotional disconnect. I am so frustrated. It is his unwillingness to help me heal that hurts so badly.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Then start presenting consequences. Start consulting with an attorney
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ifyoubuildit said:


> The A ended over a yr ago, I only got some trickle truth recently. I might be obsessive, but hate the rugsweeping. Does his anger come from guilt or justification? I know in my heart I am capable of forgiveness.I know I can get thru this by talking, he believes we can get thru it if I just shut up.


It is very hard to forgive when you don't know what you are being asked to forgive; and if you aren't told the truth how can you ever believe anything he says? If my H had not been humble and forthcoming ( eventually ) I would have left him. It is just too much to ask to accept anything on faith after such a breach in the relationship. You need to know what actually happened and he needs to talk, talk, talk. If all he can do is clam up and tell you that certain info is off the table, then you need to see a lawyer. This will always be between you if it is swept under the rug. After about 10 months of gas lighting, I gave my H an ultimatum. I left for a few days and told him that when I got back I expected him to tell me the truth; all of it. If I did not get the truth, I would be moving in with a friend. I suspect that your H has had a lot more than just a bj from her ladyship, and he is afraid to tell you for fear you will leave him. Knowing the whole story has been very hard, but it has been much easier then not knowing.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

reliant, yes. Last 30 yrs I have worked fulltime, a tipped position, gave me idependence and the freedom of daily $ not always accountable to him for. Now home all day, and a ssdisability check that equals the rent. Hard to have much of an outside life. My support of friends and family is to just get over it or get out. I have noplace to go and no funds to get there. I really need something to focus on. Our focus has been to move "us" to another state, OUR goal to be nearer the grandbabies. I don't know how it could be possible, without his $support.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

When is EVENTUALLY? How long is that, cuz it has been over a year....I guess some *******s would rather keep their pride and ego intact, than admit that they are really week cowards. Apparently his fear of me leaving is less important, and that isn't who I wanna be with anyway.


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## ifyoubuildit (Jan 5, 2012)

Emotionally reliant, MOST DEFINATELY (thought that was a given,sorry). I only mentioned the $ because that is what has kept me in this limbo. The money and no place to go, keep me from making the attorney move. I've told him what I need to heal, but he is an unwilling rugsweeper. Lowering my expectations will cause more emotional disconnect, but it is inevitable.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

ifyoubuildit said:


> Emotionally reliant, MOST DEFINATELY (thought that was a given,sorry). I only mentioned the $ because that is what has kept me in this limbo. The money and no place to go, keep me from making the attorney move. I've told him what I need to heal, but he is an unwilling rugsweeper. Lowering my expectations will cause more emotional disconnect, but it is inevitable.


Do you live in the states? How long have you been married? Because he could be on the hook for alimony and more depending on this. Talk to a lawyer, most will give a free initial consultation just to feel out the case (in other words, how much money they could make off of you).


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

ifyoubuildit said:


> classic minimizing). He just wants to never talk about it, ever. I Have not seen any of the heavylifting, that I need to heal. He expects unconditional foregiveness. I want all the lies between us to go away To have the kind of marriage we should have had , where the hard conversations aren't "off the table", Where his unilateral decisions are not the norm. Will I ever get over it with a "my way or the hiway" STUBBORN kind of man? Do we have a chance?


I wish for the same thing, but WH is so stubborn and so deeply committed to his gaslighting and blame-shifting, that he'd rather tear down what we had than be willing to admit he messed up -- even with the assurance of my forgiveness. 

I'd advise you not to let the issue go, maybe seek it out in marriage counseling, find ways to get him to be honest and truly intimate with you even though his guards are up. He seems to be evading deep intimacy and using his affairs and cover-ups to pretend it didn't happen and to keep himself protected from facing reality. If you guys can conquer it, you'll have a strong marriage. 

If, in time, it is impossible to get him to do this, you have to decide whether or not you can be with a man who won't give you what you need. I think many people might suggest that you make a strong boundary, leave him if he won't deal with it in order to send a message, but that means calling your bluff is a possibility so it can't be a bluff tactic. Decide if you are willing to try to break through his walls or if you don't believe it will serve your best interests and then you will have an idea of what to do; I think these are Plan A and Plan B, but I am not quite sure.

I'm personally separated from WH and it's impossible to influence him from a distance, but, if I had my way we would not have separated but decided together on whether to work it out or split up. Limbo really sucks, whether you're together or apart, so it's good to think about what you want first and don't dive into anything reactionary...this will allow you space to heal, too, I think.

See a counselor or a therapist if you haven't done so, or talk to a good friend. Don't keep it all in. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I sympathize.


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