# 19 years wasted



## CMounteer (Aug 13, 2017)

I've been married to my first and only love/partner for 19 years now. When we met, I was newly out of High School at the age of 19 and moved to Cincinnati to be with him leaving my friends, family, and pets behind. Things were great at first, we didn't fight about anything I had nothing to be afraid of or worry about with him, he made me feel safe and wanted. Things didn't start sending up a red flag until I got pregnant with our daughter and I saw the first hint of how bad his temper could be. I've always been intimidated by men and their tempers growing up and I was even up front with him about that on several occasions (not that he remembers), so this was something that I was concerned about.

I got postpartum depression after she was born and it has since turned into major depression. Over the years we struggled with money to pay bills, making sure our daughter had what she needed, and making sure we had what we needed. I tried to talk to him about the problems and I either got ignored or yelled at when I asked him for help so I stopped. I started resorting things like not paying one bill to pay another, over drafting accounts on purpose, pay-day loans, borrowing money from his parents or my dad , and opening credit cards. Most of the time I wouldn't tell him because in my mind it didn't matter how the problem got resolved as long as it did. He would then find out eventually and go off on me, we'd make up and fix it somehow. As the years progressed though things got worse. 

I didn't realize it at the time but I was self medicating to deal with my depression by spending money on things whether we needed them or not, he'd find out and blow up at me again..eventually he started becoming verbally abusive when he'd blow up at me saying I was white trash, an idiot, stupid, moron, worthless, incompetent just to name a few and he was also doing this in front of our daughter and I just took it because I didn't want to fight in front of her, eventually she started to learn it was ok to treat mom like this, but thats another issue. I'd call his mom crying and needing help to deal with her son and she would tell me to ignore his words because that was what his father did, any time I pointed out it was still wrong she'd yell at me that I wasn't listening. 

As usual we'd eventually make up and things would be ok for awhile until the cycle started over again. After our son was born things really started going down hill. As a result of being afraid of him and his temper I developed general anxiety disorder. Every time a problem came up I'd panic and freak out, I'd try to go to him and again would get ignored or yelled at so I just stopped all together and took it upon myself to resort to the methods I had used before. Naturally his temper escalated as well since I was still lying and hiding things from him out of fear or embarrassment. He became more verbally abusive to me and on occasion he began to get physical. He'd sometimes grab me or raise his fist like he was going to hit me, he started threatening divorce all the time, and on two occasions he slapped me and on one kicked my leg where I had already been injured. 

I didn't call the police for unknown reasons and When I talked to people I'd tell them what I did as well as what he did and they all said they would have done the same thing in my position and that I did what I had to. I should have left when it got physical but I wanted to make it work and felt like I had deserved it cause if I hadn't done what I did..he wouldn't have done what he did. Off and on I went to counseling but had to stop due to money, off and on medication because of money or they weren't right. Recently, we tried marriage counseling and he stopped going after three visits because he felt that I wasn't working on my issues even though my issues were with him because of how he was treating me, but I kept going to counseling anyway to work on my issues with depression, anxiety, and all my other baggage that has gotten me to this point including how I got arrested for shoplifting twice. 

The cycle still hasn't broken.. I'm still doing what I have done out of survival and my shrink says I display all the classic symptoms of a battered wife with PTSD and he is very condescending towards me but I was trying not to anymore and he is was still being at least verbally abusive so it was a challenge to go to him but I worked up the courage. I even resorted to doing things he wanted me to do no matter how out of line they were like sleeping with other men I'd met on Tinder to prove to him how much I really did want him and was willing to make things right, I told him I did even though I really didn't because it wasn't who I am and I was uncomfortable with it. In May, I even caught him talking to a woman named Lisa on Tinder and he passed it off as talking to her because he got bored after I had gone to sleep while he was out of town. I told him I was uncomfortable with him doing it but he played on my emotions cause he knew I was trying to trust him when it came to sleeping around. 

Three weeks ago he got a call about a bill I hadn't paid on because I lost my job and he decided he had finally had enough. I tried to talk him out of it and begged him to give me one more chance since I was in the process of fixing my meds and seeking a new counselor. I pushed him so much to talk to me cause I had always been able to talk him out of this before and he raised his fist at me like he was going to hit me again so I backed off and left him alone. He didn't come home one night cause he said he needed time and space to decide if he was being an a**hole or not as he put it, but he was firm in his decision to leave me after talking to others that claimed to be in similar situations.

As time has passed up to today rationally, I have come to realize this is for the best, but emotionally i am very much a wreck. We both changed who the other was for the worse and he even admitted to me finally that he brought me out here thinking I needed to be changed back then and he could "fix" me. As the weeks have passed he has gotten nastier towards me, He has forced me to sleep in our daughter's room, when he told our now 18 year old daughter we were divorcing he also told her why, including how I had been arrested, she took that as a reason to dish on everything she knew that I had done including an arrest/expungement that I hadn't told him about where we previously lived. She then went off on me in the same abusive way her father did when I got home and took her brother out to spend time with him which was something she had never done. 

Obviously I don't have the best relationship with my daughter, but I have a great one with my son and she took it upon herself to tell him everything too. When he came back I knew she talked to him and said as much but when I asked what she had said all he would say was " I'd rather not say." and has been acting a little more distant towards me. I confronted my husband about it and he didn't give a damn calling me a hypocrite even though I felt my daughter had no right doing what she did and he had no right giving all the ugly details as to why this was happening. 

He even posted on Facebook to any who were supposed to be my friends too that we were getting divorced and said " Yay for broken Promises" effectively alienating me from the few people I do know here. On 8/11 which would have been our 19th anniversary he added a girl named Lisa to his friends on FB and went out drinking with the people he had told. I got so upset and cried because I'd remembered the Tinder conversation and last night I found a black satin pillow case smelling like perfume with a rope inside it that was obviously rigged to tie someone up with, hanging out of the suitcase he left on the bed from when he went to Columbus so I can only assume he used it on this woman. I have been the bigger person since all this started a few weeks ago, I've not bashed him to our son, and I have leaned heavily on friends and family who are out of town. He has pressured me about agreeing to his terms and I have even said he could keep the stupid house. 

He has hit me below the belt calling me an idiot more than once, with what he said to the kids, and now this woman. He wants this done ASAP and I can only assume it's to bring this new woman into his life and he is rushing me to agree to his terms. He won't give me his card so I can go grocery shopping and get food or personal care items because we need to start separating things even though he knows I have no money since I am trying to get the car payment caught up and using what little unemployment I have to do it while trying to find a job. He says he'll do it but he hasn't. I stay in my daughter's room when he's home to avoid him and sometimes even when he's not cause its the only place I feel comfortable anymore. He even let his mom stay with us a night and had me sleep in the master bed room to keep up appearances since she doesn't know yet. I asked him to tell her to stay with his sister and he ignored me saying it was all the more reason to get out faster.

I have been agreeable on everything in all of this even going to counseling with him to work through this process, but I had to stop going to my personal counselor to help me through the emotional stuff because I don't have the money for the copay anymore. I can't eat and have lost about 10 lbs since this started and I can't sleep without taking over the counter sleeping pills. I still wake up in the middle of the night and when I wake up in the morning my chest hurting from over night panic attacks and constantly have nightmares about him whether its begging to be taken, back, him cheating, or recently this new woman being flaunted in front of me. I'm stressed because I have no family aside from my 13 year old son locally, I can't dump this on him as it is not fair to him and have no friends locally. 

I'm forced to stay in the house because I have no money or place to go and struggling to find a job. So needless to say my depression, stress, and anxiety are getting worse by the minute and I have no way to cope. I call those outside the area and I can tell I'm getting on their nerves with my negativity and being emotional so I have been trying not to dump so much on them. The only time I relax even a little is when my husband isn't home and I'm getting paranoid because I know my son is acting different with me since the conversation he had with his sister and worried he will not leave with me when I am finally able to, but my husband refuses to talk to our son without the counselor. I've been trying to back off and not act crazy around him because I know he needs me, but with having no local support and being cut off from anything that would help me, I can't get control of my emotions about something I didn't even want. 

I feel like I am being attacked from all sides and kicked while I'm already down. I feel like I am being vilified by my husband and my daughter and he has even told me that he felt no blame in this even with what he has done to me. I am not saying I am innocent and I own my responsibility in what has gotten us to this point, but I also know I am not the only one to blame in this. He has even gone so far as to say that I suck the life out of everyone I am around and that I am broken and an anchor weighing him and others down. Its no wonder I feel like discarded garbage waiting to be put out on the curb. I'm stuck in a holding pattern..can't stay..can't leave..can't talk to anyone..can't get the help and support I need to get through this..can't decide where I am going to go because I don't know what my son wants to do and he won't talk to me about it..Have no control over anything happening to me. 

I'm scared because I have never been on my own before among other reasons, I'm hurting, angry, frustrated, and unable to lash out and I desperately need help to get through this and to know I'm not alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please use paragraphs so people can read your post. I edited your post to add them.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Girl, you're being abused to the nth degree. Verbal, emotional, alienation of your kids, using social media to slander you... You even mentioned that he was physical with you once? If this continues, he might do worse. Sure, you were not perfect in the marriage, but it doesn't warrant being beaten down like this. 

Are there women's shelters you can go to? Can you go for legal aid?


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## CMounteer (Aug 13, 2017)

A total of three times..but I stupidly didn't report it. I've looked into it and because there is no current domestic violence they can't take me. Its the same reason I can't get free legal aid and I can't afford a lawyer to fight for me. The closest friend I have is 4 hours away, but I don't want to leave my son and don't have the gas or money to get gas. Also I have been reverting back and forth to a crying mess when talking to her and she is starting to get concerned that I will fall apart and hide in her basement only to become a burden on her.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This time was not wasted. You'll grow and learn. 

Priority 1 is getting you out safely. Then you rebuild and figure out the future. 

How far is your family?


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## CMounteer (Aug 13, 2017)

My family is in Queen Creek, AZ and Tucson, Az. They're aware of my situation but they can't help me financially.


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