# Desperately wanting to tell my wife of my sexual curiosities..but very SCARED! Help!



## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Hello all,

I have a serious question, in need of some serious advice. 

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys.
I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well.

I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex.
However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things.

Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. 

To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. 
It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise.

How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men?

Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything?

Any thoughts or comments would be much appreciated!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

This is a very tough one. 

I consider myself very open-minded and ALL of my male friends are gay and we talk about gay sex fairly often (I'm a woman btw) but if my husband told me that he had bi-curious thoughts / wanted to have oral sex with a man ... well, I would be *devastated.* And I'm not even conservative, I'm just a woman who would feel insecure about being "enough" for my husband (can't compete with the opposite sex... they've got body parts I don't have!)

On the other hand, you MUST STOP talking to other people about this!!! Can you imagine if she found out about this from someone other than you? She WILL hear about this and she will be even more devastated.

If I were you, I'd tell her and apologize for not being honest with her and talking about this with others before her. But be prepared for a messy situation. And whatever you do, for Pete's sake, don't go having oral sex with men behind her back!


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Ok, so it wont let me send you a PM, only twice every 60 minutes. I understand about not talking to other people..but i guess I am just so darn scared of her reaction, and i feel the need to get others opinions on it. 

I wont cheat, but I just hate this part of me. I hate seeing a hot guy and wanting to go down on him, or having sexual thoughts about her best friends husband. I hate it!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

greenthumb95 said:


> Ok, so it wont let me send you a PM, only twice every 60 minutes. I understand about not talking to other people..but i guess I am just so darn scared of her reaction, and i feel the need to get others opinions on it.
> 
> I wont cheat, but I just hate this part of me. I hate seeing a hot guy and wanting to go down on him, or having sexual thoughts about her best friends husband. I hate it!


This is quite serious. You are in a monogamous heterosexual relationship when it appears that you are neither monogamous nor heterosexual. Please don't underestimate the importance of this. Your wife may have sensed that something is wrong, and may be blaming herself. You're going to have to talk to her and the sooner the better. Just don't act on these thoughts. If the marriage ends, then the world's your oyster but she needs to know what's going on with you!!!

Knock it off with the gay porn too. Sort things out with your wife and then knock yourself out but do things in the right order or you will regret it.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I have stopped for the most part on the gay porn, I just hate the sex urges i have. I dont think I could date a man, but idk. I feel so ashamed, and dirty. I have never cheated, and never will. It is weird how many females in my life have picked up on this. Do you think she wonders?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

greenthumb95 said:


> I have stopped for the most part on the gay porn, I just hate the sex urges i have. I dont think I could date a man, but idk. I feel so ashamed, and dirty. I have never cheated, and never will. It is weird how many females in my life have picked up on this. Do you think she wonders?


Do you have a conservative background or something? What's with all the self-hate and self-flagellation? You seem more concerned about the 'dirtiness' aspect than about your wife's reaction. She might wonder, she might not; you said she had little exposure to stuff like this. If you're gay, you're gay, it's not bad. It just means you need to not be married to a woman.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

Yes, I grew up quite conservatively. I dont think i am gay, but bisexual possibly. She just has enough stress in her life with her job, and this is the last thing I want to do is give her more stress. I just wish i knew a way i could find out if she suspects I am into guys, etc.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I see where you're going with this, and it's not the right way. It doesn't matter if she suspects. She is your wife, she has a right to know. Don't use a stressful job as an excuse to keep the truth from her. If she finds out from someone else, from your computer, etc., it will be much, much worse. You have to tell her, whether she suspects or not is not relevant.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Are you still attracted to your W?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Don't even think about asking "should I try oral sex with a man once to see if I really like it?" because you will call down a firestorm upon thyself. Just don't even ask!!!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

take a really long hard look at yourself. You sound like you're in denial to me. Are you? I'm pretty open minded and liberal and have no problem with this sort of stuff - but a boyfriend I was with when I was about 18 told me very similar sorts of things. That he was bi, fascinated with the idea of going down on other men, etc. etc.

And hey presto - he came out about 10 years ago and is now living happily as a gay man

there's nothing to be ashamed of but you have to be honest with yourself and with her. You're talking about 'hot guys' etc. and in my experience heterosexual men do not talk like this

just my two-penneth - good luck...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Whether or not you are gay (and not bi) is quite simple, are you attracted to women or not? That part is simple. If you find your wife and/or other women sexy you aren't gay.

As for your wife, you are first off asking her for permission to commit adultery (forget for a moment if the other person is male or female). That in and of itself is a question that in and of itself can be devastating to ask of her as others have stated.

Add to that any baggage that homosexual sex might play in her mind and you are talking about a huge leap for her.

Some fantasies are best left in your mind.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I don't think I'm gay. I love women and always have. Bisexual, maybe. My problem is my urges are to a point where I simulate the sex act on sex toys. I wish I grew up more liberal, maybe I wouldn't have been so freaked out. 



Dollystanford said:


> take a really long hard look at yourself. You sound like you're in denial to me. Are you? I'm pretty open minded and liberal and have no problem with this sort of stuff - but a boyfriend I was with when I was about 18 told me very similar sorts of things. That he was bi, fascinated with the idea of going down on other men, etc. etc.
> 
> And hey presto - he came out about 10 years ago and is now living happily as a gay man
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Page 2 of this forum you can find this post: Found out my husband has asked my sisters, and friends if they think he is bi or gay? ( 1 2)

Either that is your wife or this is a spin thread. 

My advice, be honest with her and talk about your issues. If she is not okay with you going down on some guy, then either divorce her or get over this infatuation. I assume she will not be okay with it, so why spend your time thinking about it.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> Page 2 of this forum you can find this post: Found out my husband has asked my sisters, and friends if they think he is bi or gay? ( 1 2)
> 
> Either that is your wife or this is a spin thread.
> 
> My advice, be honest with her and talk about your issues. If she is not okay with you going down on some guy, then either divorce her or get over this infatuation. I assume she will not be okay with it, so why spend your time thinking about it.


Hmm... I wad just thinking the same- this dudes wife is already on here! 

Anyway, having lust is normal. I can't imagine that if you see an amazingly beautiful woman, you don't lust after her a bit? don't beat yourself up for that attraction to men, but realize you are in a committed relationship, so don't ACT on it! 

I don't really see any difference between that and, say, your wife wondering what it would be like for some strapping, muscle bound hottie to rock her world. Thoughts no offense give, actions destroy.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Here is my... very admittedly... different view on such things.

To me, the status quo that you are currently in is a fiction. Your wife is not engaged with the real you. She's engaged with some cardboard cutout that you've designed to her specifications and are now propping up to hide the real you. To me, it's not a relationship at all and so I'd see no value whatsoever in maintaining it.

In the end, I need the other half of me to see AND value the real, genuine, honest me. Nothing else is of value.

Insofar as the actual urges, an awful lot of men -- myself included -- periodically have such fantasies. In fact, an awful lot of men have, at some point or another, actually experimented with such things. If our society didn't penalize men so strongly for this the actual facts would be much more available. But... you know... sin and all that.

I don't think such things make a person "gay" -- or "bi". In the end, for myself, what I look at to label myself is what actually gets me excited when I'm in the real world... not the fantasy world. And in the end, for me, it ends up being breasts and hips and all those other girl parts. I figure my "bits" are a decent dousing rod for the actual truth


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

It's probably not helpful to be too worried about the label (bi, gay, just 'normal' fantasy for a straight person, etc). What troubles me here is that you are not just talking about periodic fantasy like Jeff mentions but rather an obsession. If you can't live happily with your wife because you 'need' to be with a man then you need to be true to yourself about this and get out of your marriage. I would imagine that there are few things worse in a relationship than a man stuck in a marriage with a woman when he really wants men and for a woman who's husband can never be truly into her because she is a woman. Very common but destructive.

This is beyond a 'normal curiosity' for a hetero man.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I dont want out of my marriage. I guess its just curiosity of going down on a dude.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

greenthumb95 said:


> I dont want out of my marriage. I guess its just curiosity of going down on a dude.


You are in serious denial. It's not just a curiosity. A curiosity is when you just wonder about something. If a married guy sees a girl at the gym on the step machine, he might be curious about what she looks like naked or what it might be like to have sex with her. That's just a curiosity. He wouldn't 'DESPERATELY want to tell his wife' about this harmless curiosity. Nor would he HATE himself for having a simple curiosity. If he became obsessed with her and his urges were consuming his life, then he might feel a strong need to tell his wife and he might hate himself for it.

you said:
Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent.

this is not curiosity. You said it yourself...these are extremely strong sexual urges. That's different. You may love your wife and you might want to stay with her but it's clear from your own words that you NEED sex with a man. I think it's positive that you posted here so now you can go back and read your own words and see where you really are with this.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Don't let anybody on this board try and decide for you what your sexuality is. Some people, such as myself, see sexuality as a fluid entity, and it's not so easy to shepherd everybody into two or three labels. Others see sexuality as rigid fixed points, and a lot of people refuse to even accept that male bisexuality truly exists. In plenty of people's books the fact that you have a recurrent fantasy about other men brands you automatically gay, regardless of how you feel about women and your wife.

Only you know, in your heart of hearts, where you stand. But you need to figure out if this is just a nagging desire to do something taboo and off your typical radar, or is a sign post to a deeper pull toward something that could destroy the life you've built. 

I've never sucked a ****, but I've also never cheated on my wife. To be honest going down on some dude's penis is an incredibly stupid thing to risk a marriage over. A lot of married men out there are skulking around, behind their wives back, sucking ****, and all other manner of homosexual acts. That just compounds the problems, opens your wife up to disease, and will likely kill your marriage.

So be honest with God (if you have a relationship there), and the man in the mirror. Before you even think of taking action on this, and committing adultery, you need to get to the root of the drive and see what it's truly telling you. And if you feel this beyond a fantasy best left in the mind, if it's indicative of a new road you want to take with your sexuality, you HAVE to tell your wife. She deserves to know, and let HER decide what she can, and can not, handle.


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