# Girlfriend remains friends with old fling



## dkaffee (Nov 16, 2012)

My girlfriend had a fling with a guy we both work with, before we were even dating. It's a large company that frowns heavily on relationships within the workplace.

For that reason, no one knows that we are together. She had a fling with this other guy, who is very flirty, and then remained friends afterwards.

He still brings her candy and asks her to go to lunch or have coffee. She has started telling him that she's seeing a guy. However, it sucks to witness it and wonder what I should do about it.

She's not flirting back, but she does accept the candy, respond to text/facebook messages. Admittedly, I liked the guy before I became the BF. She tells me when he texts or Facebooks her. I don't have any issues with the workplace interactions. It's nothing over the top that I would consider harassment.

She asked if I cared if they had coffee before work started one day. I was honest and told her that I understand the situation is odd, but I find it disrespectful. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends, I just don't want her hanging out with guys she has previously been naked with.

She says she's not interested and won't go if I don't want her to, but she doesn't want to make the workplace awkward between her and her friend.

I don't want her to interact with this guy unless it incidentally happens at work. However, I want her to reach that decision on her own... I don't think I should tell her to just blow this guy off, because I don't want to be the kind of guy who decides who his GF can hang out with.

At one point, I said I wouldn't hang out with any of my exes because I find that disrespectful to her.

I'd rather she refused the gifts and didn't respond to texts or facebook messages from the guy.. because he'll just keep leaving that door open

Am I being ridiculous?

Is there a good/better way to go about this?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Depends how serious you two are.

But I think one of you should get anew job, and that she should stop all interactions with this man.


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## dkaffee (Nov 16, 2012)

We are quite serious. We're coming up on a year together. There's frequent talk of a future with marriage and children.


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## dkaffee (Nov 16, 2012)

Can anyone else please offer advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dkaffee (Nov 16, 2012)

I would almost like it if someone could explain to me that I'm being ridiculous. I think id be happy if someone could convince me that Im over reacting. i just think this is like playing with fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

dkaffee,

It is not playing with fire but it obviously is playing with your emotions. Look I am not going to rehash my history but the scenario you are talking about right now is the one I have been dealing with emotionally for the past 27 years. It is very complex and if you want to PM we can talk. 

If you are really getting serious and talking about marriage then she needs to just have a frank discussion with him and let him know that she needs to become part of his distant past. If she cannot do this then I would rethink the relationship before it becomes legal union.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

dkaffee said:


> I would almost like it if someone could explain to me that I'm being ridiculous. I think id be happy if someone could convince me that Im over reacting. i just think this is like playing with fire.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So basically what your asking for is justification? It's not goi g to happen. There's a reason why all the posters are saying the same thing.

You NEED to be that man that tells her who to hang out with, particularly men. It's called being th Alpha, and not the beta wimp you think you should act like....because its politically correct...or you think that's how the modern male should act.

That's not how psychology of women works.


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## dkaffee (Nov 16, 2012)

Does anyone think showing her this thread will help. Or would it hurt her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

no don't show her anything. Just ACT


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

No. This forum cannot babysit your relationship. You need to man up and manage the situation. You could show this forum to her later when you both are ready to have a laugh about this episode.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't see anything wrong here. The only thing she's accepting is candy. Yet she tells you everything and is truthful.

I'm very against friendships of the opposite sex, but I do think your overreacting here. Your not even engaged here. There is nothing going on outside of work.

Your gf is declining lunch dates and not talking to him after work hours. She's being civil during work to keep the peace. It sounds like your very jealous and insecure. 

I did not give up my male friendships until I was married. I am faithful to my husband and he faithful to me. He works with other women. There is no way he could possibly not talk to them since he's their boss. My husband and his staff are always bringing in goodies for each other. I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I don't see anything wrong here. The only thing she's accepting is candy. Yet she tells you everything and is truthful.
> 
> I'm very against friendships of the opposite sex, but I do think your overreacting here. Your not even engaged here. There is nothing going on outside of work.


i don't think its the friendship with the opposite sex causes infidelity, its the level of self-control within yourself. Back to the point dkaffee you seem to be quite insecure and women don't like that kind of behavior. You might achieve a self-fulfilling prophecy by worrying too much



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I did not give up my male friendships until I was married. I am faithful to my husband and he faithful to me. He works with other women. There is no way he could possibly not talk to them since he's their boss. My husband and his staff are always bringing in goodies for each other. I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.


I'mInLoveWithMyHubby you don't need to dump your friendships withe the opposite sex, so long you are faithful and have a good distance in between you will be fine. I had a platonic friendship with a women (b) while im dating (and later married), my gf (and later w) had allowed me to have contact with b (sort of a open relationship/marriage). 

Me and my friend don't have any sexual contact but we talk a-lot and had lots of common interest. Interestingly because my w allow me to continue my friendship with b, i actually appreciate my w even more for being open-minded about my friendship. (and yes my w also had some male friends and i let her go to the pub occasionally but not really as close as between me and b). 

Both of us are loyal to each other and appreciate each other because we granted each other our "new" freedom within our relationship and we take this form of freedom delicately.

Thus it is possible only if you had a strict boundary:smthumbup:



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.


\

what goodies?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

She can easily stop it. If she ignores his texts & facebook. 
Obviously at work, if it is work realted, then she needs to comunicate with him to get her job done, then that contact should not stop.

I think the next time he brings her candy. She needs to say "no thanks.. I'm on a diet". And give it back. Second time, (if he didn't get it the first time) Say "No thanks. I'm not accepting this. I hope you understand. I've said I'm dating someone. To me, its not right to be accepting things from you." 

She needs to just put it bluntly out there if she has to. She should not "blame you".. Ie, should not say that her boyfriend doesn't like her getting the candy.. she should just say that SHE is not accepting the candy.

He WILL bug off , if she does not encourage him. She might think she is just being nice.. but it is leaving the impression with this guy that she is still emotionally available, or that there would be hope to start it up again.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay, so buy some candy, Bring it up to the girl in the next cubicle from her.
Tell her she looked like she could have her day brightened.. and that you hope she enjoys the candy.

Then walk away & don't even look at your girlfriend. 
Later. ask how it felt? Did it feel wrong to her that you offered a different pretty young thing candy & not to her?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> He WILL bug off , if she does not encourage him. She might think she is just being nice.. but it is leaving the impression with this guy that she is still emotionally available, or that there would be hope to start it up again.


:iagree: Just curious as to who ended the fling and why is she just telling him now if you've been together for a year?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

dkaffee said:


> She asked if I cared if they had coffee before work started one day. I was honest and told her that I understand the situation is odd, but I find it disrespectful. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends, I just don't want her hanging out with guys she has previously been naked with.
> 
> She says she's not interested and won't go if I don't want her to, but she doesn't want to make the workplace awkward between her and her friend.
> 
> *I don't want her to interact with this guy unless it incidentally happens at work. However, I want her to reach that decision on her own... *I don't think I should tell her to just blow this guy off, because I don't want to be the kind of guy who decides who his GF can hang out with.


If you don't want her to hang out with this guy who's obviously trying to have another fling with her, again, then you need to stop acting soft and TELL her. If she respects you, then she'll understand.

I agree with you that she is supposed to be able to do this on her own.
You however, need to take the lead.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So you have been together for a year. The excuse for not telling anyone is that your job will not allow it. So evidently it was ok for her to have a fling with this other guy. 

Anyway, you and / or she needs to get a new job so that you can be legit. This is a dishonest game you are both playing. She is playing you by her cake eating. 

So you guys live together? 

The problem with you leaving this job and her staying is this other guy. 

Are you planning on getting married or just playing house? Did she do this with the other guy as well? 

Indeed she needs to just tell the guy to bug off. She does not because she likes having both of you. She IS rubbing your nose in it. It IS weak for you not to tell her this is unacceptable. 

Sorry, there is no way this guy would hide his relationship with his woman.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Is it common for companies to be this anal about the love lives of employees in the US?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to stand up and be counted - meaning tell her not to be buddies with him. 

You've been together a year and he doesn't know she's now in a long term committed relationship?

I think up to now you've been failing a big test from her - she offered to cut him off - and you didn't take her up on it. IF you had that would have shown your deeper interest in her, and your desire to fend off other males. this guy is a former lover of her's who still is chasing her, and putting time and energy into flirting with her , meeting up, buying her things.

Dude - this guy is laying the ground work for future hookups, not being a buddy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think you need to stand up and be counted - meaning tell her not to be buddies with him.
> 
> You've been together a year and he doesn't know she's now in a long term committed relationship?
> 
> ...


Interesting irony. My fiance offered that he would respond to his EA anyway I liked, he would send whatever message I wrote verbatim. I took the offer. but on another message board (of women), I was scolded for getting WAY too involved. You see, I was showing my insecurity, according to these ladies.

I repsonded, if I had turned down the offer, I could never get upset again with how he intereacts with her.

There does come a point where you have to be honest about how you feel. And I don't see that as being insecure.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Is it common for companies to be this anal about the love lives of employees in the US?


No. Though there are rules about nepotism. And frankly need to be. I have seen nepotism ruin small companies.

This said, this situation seems very contrived.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Interesting irony. My fiance offered that he would respond to his EA anyway I liked, he would send whatever message I wrote verbatim. I took the offer. but on another message board (of women), I was scolded for getting WAY too involved. You see, I was showing my insecurity, according to these ladies.
> 
> I repsonded, if I had turned down the offer, I could never get upset again with how he intereacts with her.
> 
> There does come a point where you have to be honest about how you feel. And I don't see that as being insecure.


There are some women who at every opportunity will bash any man who asserts himself. Misguided view of feminism IMO. They see anything a man does as controlling. Issues for them. They feel that a woman should be able to do anything they want without any interference or pressure from a man. Some of this seems even hateful to me. 

And of course the key with ending an EA is early intervention, firmness and NC no matter the gender. The thing is that if you love someone you do not let others like this influence you from doing what you know is right. This is not encouraging men to be jerks. But it is encouraging them to be man, have no fear and do not seek this type of external validation.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

She accepts the candy because she doesn't want to rock the boat. She's being indecisive about the lunch and coffee dates because she doesn't want to be confrontational - and I guarantee you, she'll have to be with this guy.

She put the decision in your hands. She was saying to you, "I'm not emotionally capable of ending this flirtation, so could you please help me by telling me that I _need_ to?" I know it sounds weird, but that's how it's reading. You failed to read her intention. Now the awkwardness with the co-worker is continuing.

But you can try again. Let her know that you are exclusive, and that accepting gifts, texts, and lunch dates from the co-worker is inappropriate. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, then she needs to act it. Chelle D had great advice on how your girlfriend can turn this guy down.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dude, here's my opinion:

If you seriously want a future with this woman and, both you and she feel that this relationship is exclusive they you must sit with her and have a calm conversation with her that covers the following:


Agree that you are in an exclusive relationship
Agree that you both think you have a future together
If you both agree on the above then you need to explain to her that the relationship has to have boundaries
She can no longer accept the candy or any other gift from him or be in constant contact.
She can no longer respond to text/Facebook messages.
She needs to have one last communication with him, preferably in writing that says she is in an exclusive relationship and she no longer wants him to contact her, give her gifts or see her at work. He should honor her request or she will make a complaint to the company's Human Resources department

It's as simple as that.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Okay, so buy some candy, Bring it up to the girl in the next cubicle from her.
> Tell her she looked like she could have her day brightened.. and that you hope she enjoys the candy.
> 
> Then walk away & don't even look at your girlfriend.
> Later. ask how it felt? Did it feel wrong to her that you offered a different pretty young thing candy & not to her?


No that’s inappropriate for the workplace and likely to create more of a problem than the problem we’re proposing to address here. 

Moreover “walk a mile in my shoes” type appeals should work by themselves without the demonstrative efforts. If she cannot intellectually appreciate the point, “showing her” will have no greater affect – because she is either utterly uncompassionate or she is intentionally engaging the behavior.

It’s simple. Civility with former romantic interests is fine. Candy, flowers, coffee, texts, Facebook and lunch are inappropriate as these are symbolically and emotionally the behavioral gestures of courting another. She is effectively toying with the romantic interests of two men and asserting it is OK, not her fault or out of her control. Nonsense.

I am not a believer in ultimatums. I would explain it to her in no uncertain terms and let her remediate the matter or terminate the relationship at the next sign of her not effectively blocking such behaviors. 

She is not being honest and fair with you and the other fellow nor is this the mortar to build the foundation of a marriage upon or the loving environment to raise children in.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Is it common for companies to be this anal about the love lives of employees in the US?





Entropy3000 said:


> No. Though there are rules about nepotism. And frankly need to be. I have seen nepotism ruin small companies.
> 
> This said, this situation seems very contrived.


Oh yes US companies are this anal about workplace romance. Particularly, where there is a disparity in status such and manager and employee. In the past year, a number of such claims have been in the press e.g., HP, Boeing and it would appear that some of the collateral from the General Petraeus matter will turn out to involve workplace romance. 

I don’t know where the prior poster is coming from in saying it is not an issue in the States – he or she has probably not thoroughly read the Employee Manual at work. Any employer of more than a couple individuals is going to incorporate that type of policy – if for nothing else to CYA in the event of a lawsuit and to provide a ready basis to terminate an employee.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

dkaffee said:


> My girlfriend had a fling with a guy we both work with, before we were even dating. It's a large company that frowns heavily on relationships within the workplace.
> 
> For that reason, no one knows that we are together. She had a fling with this other guy, who is very flirty, and then remained friends afterwards.
> 
> ...


I think you should just go have a talk with the guy yourself. If you all work together, just go to him with a cool attitude and tell him you are the guy she is with, it's a serious thing. He will back off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> Oh yes US companies are this anal about workplace romance. Particularly, where there is a disparity in status such and manager and employee. In the past year, a number of such claims have been in the press e.g., HP, Boeing and it would appear that some of the collateral from the General Petraeus matter will turn out to involve workplace romance.
> 
> I don’t know where the prior poster is coming from in saying it is not an issue in the States – he or she has probably not thoroughly read the Employee Manual at work. Any employer of more than a couple individuals is going to incorporate that type of policy – if for nothing else to CYA in the event of a lawsuit and to provide a ready basis to terminate an employee.


I have been working in the US for fortune 500 companies since 1981, have been both an employee and a manager over the years and very much recently. No where does it state that employees cannot date each other or be freinds with one another. In fact there is nothing to prohibit anyone from getting married within a company. That would be illegal for them to do so. Moreover office romances are all too common.

I have NEVER, and I mean NEVER worked for a company like the original poster describes. I am very familiar with both HP and Boeing. My career is in these industries as well.

In this example there was no mention of any of them being a manager. As a manager I never wanted to have a married couple both on my direct team. Typically a member of of the couple moves into another position within the company. That said some companies are flat too small or the opportunities too narrow for this to be practical. Too be sure I have had brothers work for me. I have seen MANY couples work not only in the same company but also be in positions of management.

So the situation described by the OP seems very contrived to me. Indeed they may be working for a smallish company. But again there is no legal rule a major company can go by to stop people from leading normal lives which included dating, living together and marrying.

My biggest point is that IF a couple is serious they would not let a job stand in their way. This feels contrived because it puts this guy in a seeming conflict of interest where is supposed to accept watching his mate be approached and seduced by another man and he is supposed to do nothing. Indeed he can tell her this is unacceptable AND he they both should be upfront about their relationship.

I have lived in T E X A S since 1981.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I think you should just go have a talk with the guy yourself. If you all work together, just go to him with a cool attitude and tell him you are the guy she is with, it's a serious thing. He will back off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would absolutely do this, however, the fact she is unable to say no it the big issue. This could start a huge conflict as the OM can use this against him.

"If she wanted tme to stop she would tell me herself. Obviously she wants me to continue." or something even worse. He could say something very inflammatory for one. 

So yeah I would tell him but she needs to not invite the attention whcih she obviously likes. It is very disrespectful to the OP.

By the situation describded this eliminates the OMs "Approach Anxiety" as he is likely unaware of the relationship. That said, I bet this guy does know there is a relationship but is encouraged by her behavior.

Why is it ok for this guy to openly approach and court this woman where the OP cannot?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> No. Though there are rules about nepotism. And frankly need to be. I have seen nepotism ruin small companies.
> 
> This said, this situation seems very contrived.


:iagree:

I personally know of a woman who was in charge of accounts in a medium sized digital arts company. She was involved with one of the directors.
They swindled the company of more than $1 Million . The company took them to court but lost.

Nobody knew they were together,actually they lived together!

These things happen a lot in small and medium sized companies, because of their size. The don't have enough checks and balances. Sometimes just one director's signature is needed on a cheque.

Therin lies the trouble with workplace romances, thery are fraught with all different types of counter productive, and sometimes nightmarish scenarios for management.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

My company... Does not allow immediate FAMILY (spouse, parent, child, sibling) members, or family living in the same household... to be working in the same department.

(Many, many a spouses both work at my company, but each in different departments). 
However, there is one couple.. who were seriously dating before this rule got added to our employee handbooks. I guess they must be "grandfathered" into being allowed to both remain in my department.

They both live together.. Heck, they even have a baby together!! But, I think they will not marry, for fear of being told that one of them will have to switch departments.

THere is also a mother/daughter team that both work in my department, even in the same section. But, again, since they do not live together, I think they were grandfather claused into it. But.. the reason why the rule was put into place (at least as explained to me),... was not to curb romance, was to curb related absenteeism. 
Funny, because when the daughters child is sick, both Mom & Grandma take off work to take care of the kid!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> My company... Does not allow immediate FAMILY (spouse, parent, child, sibling) members, or family living in the same household... to be working in the same department.
> 
> (Many, many a spouses both work at my company, but each in different departments).
> However, there is one couple.. who were seriously dating before this rule got added to our employee handbooks. I guess they must be "grandfathered" into being allowed to both remain in my department.
> ...


Yes, it is bad to have directly related folks in the same department. Medium to large companies can deal with this as you say by making sure these folks are separated. Small mom and pop outfits are a whole different animal and are sometimes based on nepotism.


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

No you are not being ridiculous, you're being cautious not only because you care about your relationship but ultimately yourself. I've been in a similar situation. My husband screwed his boss while we were separated, bad enough the art industry is small (he can possibly still see her whether they work together or not) but he still sees her everyday. I have not gotten over the situation, I don't think I will until someone leaves. It's not an easy situation to be in, it takes a lot of trust and sanity to deal with this kind of situation. Irrational fears starts to come up but ultimately you know your gf. I hope it works out!


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## KingofIstatements (Jul 30, 2011)

It doesn’t look like OP is still in the building, I decided though it’d be cathartic for me to share how I’ve allowed this issue to affect my marriage and mental well-being by not dealing with it as recommended above, maybe I can help urge someone else to avoid the same trouble. I wish I’d found TAM along time ago.

After he moved out to go live with a new woman in the same neighborhood, my wife’s most recent ex would drop by occasionally to commiserate with her anytime he’d get into trouble with his new girlfriend. This continued after we’d started dating, and I’d moved in with her. 

Each time this happened it was disruptive to our lives, the first time he showed up unannounced after 10PM, just weeks after I’d moved in. My gf (at the time) brought him back to “our” bedroom, where we’d been hanging out, to gossip about his trainwreck b/c our roommate was using the living room. She didn’t think to ask him to come back another time, at the very least... This felt extraordinarily disrespectful to me, I told her how I felt, but didn’t think I had the right to forbid her from allowing him to visit, so basically I fell into the trap of trying to be the uber-goober, understanding, accepting new-age guy I thought I “should” be.

The OP’s rigorous self-questioning is SO effin’ familiar- I agonized endlessly over this, not wanting myself to be “insecure” and “jealous”, as some here have stated. Because of my indecisiveness, I had the pleasure of coming home from working on my day off the weekend after our honeymoon to find her drinking our wedding wine with him, instead of getting ready for the event we needed to leave for.

So I don’t think that an affair should be the only concern in situations involving past lovers and lack of boundaries. He’s moved away now, but the damage is done. See, he was a real winner- lived with her for a few years, but never considered her his girlfriend, only a roommate. He’d brought countless women into her house, and used my wife for relief during his dry spells. For her part, I think her complicated relationship with him as a “friend” made it more difficult to break clean from him, and I never actively discouraged it. 

She admits she enjoyed hearing about his troubles, and doesn’t understand how I can “even remember” these incidents the few times we’ve talked about it since then.

From a conscious, intelligent standpoint I know I’m incorrect, but emotionally I’ve come away with an... understanding of how to treat her if I want to be respected and prioritized by her. I’ve never cheated on her and don’t plan to, but I can’t say I feel inspired to be the best man for her I could’ve been.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

the liberal one said:


> i don't think its the friendship with the opposite sex causes infidelity, its the level of self-control within yourself. Back to the point dkaffee you seem to be quite insecure and women don't like that kind of behavior. You might achieve a self-fulfilling prophecy by worrying too much
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So I'm just wondering if your friend "B" is so wonderful and you're so close, why didn't you marry her? She wouldn't have you? Did you settle for second best by marrying your wife?


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

When a woman accepts gifts from, interacts with, and engages a former lover, and then ask you for permission to spend time with him, she is testing your boundaries...

You have two choices OP...

Take the Blue Pill... and you wake up and become the new modern man, a man who doesn't want to appear controlling, insecure or jealous, so he reluctantly surrenders, and agrees to share his new woman with her old fling. This man will reap the benefits of his niceness. He will ultimately sit at an empty table while his new girl eats cake with her old man...Yum!

or...

Take the Red Pill... and you wake up and become a real man, complete with boundaries and ready to serve consequences. This man is territorial with a sack the size of Texas and his self-respect and integrity are firmly intact, and when the new modern woman ask for permission to see her former bedmate, This man grins with a sly smile of polite confidence and calmly tells her...Hell No! 

Good Luck!


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Okay so I am reading different threads, some of you are in some of the others, and I'm looking around wondering, "Is it just me, does no one else see the double standard?"

1) The OP's GF has not done anything wrong.
2) The OP is uncomfortable
3) I hear several posts saying, be a man, tell her she needs to stop this immediately . . . which implies the "or else"

Is this approach not equal to one partner trying to "control" another's behavior?

What i liked the most about OP's original post is that he wants his GF to come to the conclusion on her own. Now i don't think this can come from the air, but you can't TELL her what to do or what not to do. 

OP, i think your feelings of discomfort are making you feel insecure, which is why you are coming here to determine whether you are "wrong" to ask. As with other things, I think sometimes it's important to focus not one whether something is right or wrong, but how we feel about them. Sometimes are insecurities are rational, sometimes they are not. But you want a partner that can listen and make concessions, not because you tell them to, but because they value how you feel. 

If you are thinking about marriage with your GF, then begin communicating with her now. Tell her you are not comfortable, for xyz reasons. Perhaps paint a scenario of you engaging in similar behavior with another woman. Apologize for not being direct and clear in the past. Explain that you can't be the guy that tells his partner what to do, that you don't think she is doing anything wrong, but you simply would prefer that she stop engaging with this man. Now the ball is in her court, and how she responds will be very telling of the type of partner she is and will be. And if she does in fact concede, please remember to do the same when she asks you to refrain from behaviors that make her uncomfortable even if they are fueled by her insecurities and not based on your truth.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> Okay so I am reading different threads, some of you are in some of the others, and I'm looking around wondering, "Is it just me, does no one else see the double standard?"
> 
> 1) The OP's GF has not done anything wrong.
> 2) The OP is uncomfortable
> ...


He has good reason to be concerned. My stbxw kept her EH (talking on phone etc.) even after we moved in together. On our first argument, she went and stayed at his house for the weekend. Of course, she got drunk with him and they had sex. I begged her back and she came back. I told her NC and deleted his number from her phone. Do you think that stopped anything. NOPE. She is emotionally attached to this guy even today. He's her plan B. I was her plan B.

Depending on the OP's g/f's mental character she could very well try to keep the OM around as a safety net. I had a good female friend that once told me she never burns a bridge with past BF's just in case.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Ostera said:


> He has good reason to be concerned. My stbxw kept her EH (talking on phone etc.) even after we moved in together. On our first argument, she went and stayed at his house for the weekend. Of course, she got drunk with him and they had sex. I begged her back and she came back. I told her NC and deleted his number from her phone. Do you think that stopped anything. NOPE. She is emotionally attached to this guy even today. He's her plan B. I was her plan B.
> 
> Depending on the OP's g/f's mental character she could very well try to keep the OM around as a safety net. I had a good female friend that once told me she never burns a bridge with past BF's just in case.


And yet he may not. I am sorry about your experience, but it was just that, your experience. All I am saying is that she isn't doing anything "wrong", and i don't necessarily believe that what she is doing is some precursor to cheating. Still, i can understand why the OP would be uncomfortable with it, so would I. This feeling would likely be fueled by my insecurities rather than something my H was doing or not doing. Does it matter? Not for me. I would talk to him and express my discomfort. Ultimately, it will be his choice what he does with that. If tomorrow, the OP gets a new job, is he going to be able to trust his GF to work in the same place as a former lover? There is a point where we have to allow the other person to make their choices and trust that they will honor their promises if we want a LTR.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DedicatedDad said:


> When a woman accepts gifts from, interacts with, and engages a former lover, and then ask you for permission to spend time with him, she is testing your boundaries...
> 
> You have two choices OP...
> 
> ...


Pure Gold :smthumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ina said:


> And yet he may not. I am sorry about your experience, but it was just that, your experience. All I am saying is that she isn't doing anything "wrong", and i don't necessarily believe that what she is doing is some precursor to cheating. Still, i can understand why the OP would be uncomfortable with it, so would I. This feeling would likely be fueled by my insecurities rather than something my H was doing or not doing. Does it matter? Not for me. I would talk to him and express my discomfort. Ultimately, it will be his choice what he does with that. If tomorrow, the OP gets a new job, is he going to be able to trust his GF to work in the same place as a former lover? There is a point where we have to allow the other person to make their choices and trust that they will honor their promises if we want a LTR.


Again, people are hung up on cheating when it is the emotional bonding and cake eating that destroy relationships. She may or may not cheat, but more likely she will dump her BF and then have a new relationship with her former lover because her new BF is not able to assert himself while her former lover is dominating her BF right in front of him. Trust me. This former lover knows what is going on. He is rubbing it in her BFs face and she is digging it. He former lover is being a jerk ... but she likes that.

This choice thing totally discounts any understanding of EAs. The people involved in these are under the influence of addictive brain chemicals. They will make choices based on these brain chemicals and rationalize their behavior.

The bottom line is that another man is pursuing his GF. She is NOT shutting him down. So indeed she is not being faithful to him now. She has failed to shut him down because she enjoys having these two men. She enjoys the openess of this. So he needs to shut it down one way or another. She is also knowingly or unkowingly disresepcting her BF and frankly being very controlling of him. She is playing games. Power games.


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