# Is it acceptable to flirt outside the relationship?



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

How do you define flirting?
Is it acceptable to flirt outside the relationship?

My answers:

Showing sexual interest in someone; no.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Flirting = giving other people hint that you are available and attracted to them.

There is no room for that when someone is in a serious relationship and cares about their loved one.

EVER

It's also inappropriate and disrespectful to their significant other (unless SO likes it/agrees with it of course).


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think there's such a thing as "minor" flirting that is sort of unavoidable -- quick eye contact that has a spark, a little joke, a smile, etc. If you're around other attractive people, it's hard to completely shut this down, but you have to maintain boundaries. Don't escalate to touch, don't linger and have a long chat with the person etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I think there's such a thing as "minor" flirting that is sort of unavoidable -- quick eye contact that has a spark, a little joke, a smile, etc. If you're around other attractive people, it's hard to completely shut this down, but you have to maintain boundaries. Don't escalate to touch, don't linger and have a long chat with the person etc.


:iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

_Thinking_ about flirting, having attraction to someone other than your spouse, those things aren't very avoidable IMO. But to actually _act_ on those urges is when you cross the line. So, if you define flirting as the act of engaging with someone in a sexually bantering way, then it isn't acceptable, because you've crossed the line.

Now I expect a bunch of people to come and post why what THEY do IS ok


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Giving the opposite give sex any extra consideration than you would the same sex is flirting. 

No, it's not ok. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I think there's such a thing as "minor" flirting that is sort of unavoidable -- quick eye contact that has a spark, a little joke, a smile, etc. If you're around other attractive people, it's hard to completely shut this down, but you have to maintain boundaries. Don't escalate to touch, don't linger and have a long chat with the person etc.


I agree. I understand that a look to acknowledge someone may be coupled with sizing them up. Since looks are the first step of flirting, lingering glances or going back for seconds implies intent. Especially when a woman's first look involves staring at my junk then slowly moving to my eyes with a come hither expression. A married woman did this to me recently along with some very subtle yet provoking hip thrusts.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

According to my W, it's not. So I try not to, although she knew long ago I have always been a flirt. I don't do it to extreme, or to hurt her. I might be a tad flirty with someone I've known a long time, but it goes nowhere and means nothing. It's fun banter.

Outside of that, I honestly don't flirt, although sometimes she has thought my being friendly was flirting. I'm a friendly guy, but nowadays I can only be friendly with guys.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> I agree. I understand that a look to acknowledge someone may be coupled with sizing them up. Since looks are the first step of flirting, lingering glances or going back for seconds implies intent. Especially when a woman's first look involves staring at my junk then slowly moving to my eyes with a come hither expression. A *married *woman did this to me recently along with some very subtle yet provoking hip thrusts.


Ewww see now that would turn me off. Married or not (but especially married) that's just a dog sniffing your ass.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Maybe it depends what you mean by flirting? I have no problems if my wife acts a bit 'girly' towards some, other men (it does depend who the man was, I guess). 'Coming on' to them would be a different matter.

She is a very attractive woman, a rare beauty when we met, so I have had to accept over the years that quite a few men have shown that they obviously admire her. In fact a fair few times they have clearly become infatuated (it happens). But I have never had cause to doubt her loyalty in 37 years so it is something we have coped with together. She is basically a very responsible, ethical person, which has made it easy for me .

Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Ewww see now that would turn me off. Married or not (but especially married) that's just a dog sniffing your ass.


It was bothersome. After that I noticed how often married people flirt outside the relationship. I wonder if this one behavior is why infidelity is so common.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Flirting turns to flashing, flashing turns to touching, touching turns to tasting, tasting turns to intercourse.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Flirting is fine in my relationship, in fact I find it a turn on when other women show interest in my Superman. We are on the same page with it, he has no issue with me flirting and chatting to men. 

We are both big kids now, we know how to control ourselves and have solid boundaries, flirting is fun and harmless for us.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I worked on a market stall once, selling womens' products. A more experience market man ran through out sales technique, before showing us how to do it well. It was clear to him and my colleagues that I flirted with the customers. I genuinely had not thought of it like that. My wife referred to me flirting with a woman once, and I told her that was how I talk with any woman, which did not reassure her.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> _Thinking_ about flirting, having attraction to someone other than your spouse, those things aren't very avoidable IMO. But to actually _act_ on those urges is when you cross the line. So, if you define flirting as the act of engaging with someone in a sexually bantering way, then it isn't acceptable, because you've crossed the line.
> 
> Now I expect a bunch of people to come and post why what THEY do IS ok


What about when I flirt with you Hope? Is that okay? If not, just send the ass pics back! Sorry!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

No, I do not think its acceptable, and its not acceptable in our relationship.

Why would i like it watching somebody else flirt with my husband, or think of someone else doing it when i am not around, because lets face, if its Okay that they flirt when their with you, then its acceptable when your not around??.... and i would not like that at all.

I also would not flirt with another man in front of, or behind my husbands back, as its disrespectful of my husband.

I can remember once we my husband and I and another couple were good friends with were at a pub, there was this guy who was with another guy who we knew they started a conversation with us, and this other guy was blatantly trying to be flirty with my friend, and with me who i was trying to ignore, as i know my husband hates it......

Well my friends bloke was obviously Okay with it, as this guy was putting his arm around her, and he never batted an eyelid.... well then he started on me..... I can remember my husband raising his voice and telling him "would you get your hands OFF my wife"..... the geezer started to apologise, but i can remember thinking what a complete sleeze he was, he knew we was there with our men.

I am sure some people think its acceptable to flirt with who they want........ Well some people do not find it acceptable, I know we don't...... I think it just makes you look like your available otherwise why flirt with who you want


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are a very good wife, mel.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's not acceptable and I'm guilty of doing it and almost going too far.It's really hard for me to keep solid boundaries when I'm feeling abandoned.I get better each day but I struggle.
When DH's drive started tanking I took it personal and felt abandoned,ugly,unworthy.So I behaved poorly attempting to make myself feel better.I ended up feeling worse.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

jld said:


> You are a very good wife, mel.


Thanks.... I do try to be..... I just believe that if you treat your husband with respect, then you get it back.... Treat people, how you yourself would like to be treated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's not acceptable and I'm guilty of doing it and almost going too far.It's really hard for me to keep solid boundaries when I'm feeling abandoned.I get better each day but I struggle.
> When DH's drive starting tanking I took it personal and felt abandoned,ugly,unworthy.So I behaved poorly attempting to make myself feel better.I ended up feeling worse.


But you have admitted it to yourself, and that is half the battle.

And you are being an example for all of us with your transparency.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Ok. I will be the whipping boy here and say what MOST believe and feel but just are not wanting to say in fear of getting stoned. First, the word flirting is a HUGE generality. This could be anything from a friendly smile to whispering sexually to someone. A quick wink or a soft glance of their arm or side with yours. Some would even argue that women who dress a little extra sexy in public or at work are in fact flirting with everyone they come in contact with. But many times we don't consider how we dress as flirting. You tell me whats worse and woman wearing s sexy low cut top and a short dress with heels to work and walking by her boss or male coworker numerous times in the day or her dressing conservatively and giving him lots of extra smiles and innocent touches. 

Here goes. I personally feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with friendly flirting. As long as you are not doing in front of your partner knowing it makes them uncomfortable. Flirting makes us feel good about ourselves, it makes us smile more, it makes us in a better mood, it reduces stress, it elevates our self esteem it even makes us have intimate thoughts about our partner and what we may enjoy later with them. It keeps our sex drive motivated and running. The human brain wants to feel excitement and euphoric so flirting is the perfect way to do both. I disagree 1000% that flirting leads to anything physical. You control what you do physically. Dont blame that on flirting. Does a woman in sexy clothes mean she wants sex and is asking anyone for it? Absolutely NOT. So why should she not be able to dress how she wants? Why should we not be able to make another person feel good about themselves and smile? I am a flirt and have always been. Not going to change who I am for anyone. But I am responsible for my physical actions and I control those. Flirting does not give away my self control and make me fall victim to the flesh. 

If you suppress your partners desire and instinct to flirt and feel good about themselves when around the opposite sex you are creating more problems for your relationship down the road when their sex drive takes a nose dive because they have no self confidence or sexual desire. That will come back to haunt you in the end. Of course this is a "man's" opinion. I doubt few will agree openly but there are plenty of you that do even though you will not step in the firing line with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

PS. Anyone have some body armor they want to sell cheap? I may need after my last post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, Jamestone. We learn the most from people when they are just transparent. Thanks for letting us learn from you.

And I think we all define flirting differently. If it is any kind of friendly banter at all with the opposite sex (for heterosexuals), then I am certainly guilty.

Sheesh, it's the confessional thread.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Doing anything that is flirtatious and might possibly be deemed as affrontive to one's spouse, albeit either overt or covert, IMHO, definitely crosses the lines of decency and decorum!

After all, would it really be any different if they did the very same thing to you?*


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

I for one agree wholeheartedly with this. A little light flirting doesn't mean you are proposing whatever to the other person. Except if he or she is a major prude, little things like that actually lighten up the day for everyone.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Jamestone said:


> PS. Anyone have some body armor they want to sell cheap? I may need after my last post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hahaaaa.... Sorry no body armour here.

Its your opinion, and everybody is different

I like flirting, and so does my hubby, but we prefer to do it with each other.... In fact were very flirty together.

I also love to dress sexy on occasion, and love it when my hubby flirts with me, but again, I just like my husband to be the one flirting with me, I have no reason to want to flirt with any other men...... I mean i am not stupid, I know that there is other attracted women out there, and not stupid to think that my hubby does not look at another and thinks shes attractive, as that is life.... But looking and flirting are two different things in my book, I would not be Okay with that, but then again nor would my hubby...

I really do not think that it would be Okay if i was not around either, just because i am not around it does not mean it would hurt any less..... he would still be flirty with another.

That is just the way we are tho.... Its how we both feel.


Also. I believe in one thing leading to another, not in every case, but it does happen.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Minor flirting is okay, as long as it doesn't lead anywhere. My husband and I would definitely share with each other if someone was flirting with us in the grocery store line up, ect. 
I think it can be sexy when girls flirt with my husband. He is a very handsome man, and we are human beings who are meant to be attracted to each other. 
I couldn't deny one of our most basic instincts to my husband. He'll always come home to me for mind blowing sexy, regardless.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> PS. Anyone have some body armor they want to sell cheap? I may need after my last post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*James: I, for one, ain't exactly an advocate of kicking your or anybody else's backside to the curb for their stance on flirting, in general, because it does have an element of truth to it.

Conversely, I am greatly in favor of kicking one's derriere for their not being able to have common sense enough to discern when, as well as what type of flirting, crosses the line!

If one is fully aware that their flirty actions can or will fully extend beyond their marital boundaries, then it is fastly time to reel them in, rather than to suggestively act on the responses of the individual being flirted with! 

Otherwise, they should just have the decency and the common sense never to flirt at all! In which case it just saves everybody trouble!*


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm. Generally speaking, no. But it depends how far it goes, too. Sometimes I joke in a manner that could be perceived as flirting - I'm in sales and one guy I know who has a great relationship with his wife, she is super hot, he is very fit - I have a friendly work relationship with. He is in another state and I've had to travel there on occasion. I've joked about his old disco days and how he still owes me a photo of him in his spandex dance outfit (he and wife were dance partners back in the day, too). 

Could that be perceived as flirting? Perhaps. But I have no attraction to him, nor the other way around. I enjoy the friendly banter and comfortable professional relationship we have. Would I look him up and down suggestively or joke about getting him drunk or wink? Never.

I have a great deal of respect for him and his relationship. I don't do anything I wouldn't do or say in front of a partner. For me that is the line. I realize that boundary might not work for others because they may do or say a LOT in front of a partner! 

Bottom line if I sense I am making anyone uncomfortable - the other person, their spouse or my SO, I wouldn't do it. It's a case by case basis. Heck I've probably been a little flirtatious with Wysh or Drerio. But nothing I wouldn't say in front of their wives - in fact it would be delivered as a compliment to the women about how fortunate they found someone as equally smart/funny/fit/talented/interesting.

I'm also very careful to engage the spouse/girlfriend if the guy is the main connection. I feel if I connect with the woman, they know I have no ill intentions.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I do flirt outside my relationship but only for business purposes these days. Its amazing how many deals one can close with older female clients by flirting with them, and being super attentive. My wife is aware of it and doesn't really care. She knows she is the one benefiting from it at the end of the day.

But....full disclosure sometimes people respond to me as if I am flirting when I'm actually just being me. So I guess I am kind of somewhat flirtatious more often than I think I am.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Pretty easy question to me. Absolutely, unequivocally - NO.

Nothing good will ever come of flirting outside the relationship.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

No.People will sooner or later weaken and then it will become an affair,especially if they have been drinking. Familiarity does not always breed contempt.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

If I found my wife flirting I would get a divorce. That's a level a disrespect I won't tolerate.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I agree with Enjoli... If people I'm not attracted to flirt, no harm done. If I'm attracted to someone and they flirt, I immediately retreat. The boundaries may be firm, but I am not comfortable testing them. Too much of my integrity is on the line.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Ok. I will be the whipping boy here and say what MOST believe and feel but just are not wanting to say in fear of getting stoned. First, the word flirting is a HUGE generality. This could be anything from a friendly smile to whispering sexually to someone. A quick wink or a soft glance of their arm or side with yours. Some would even argue that women who dress a little extra sexy in public or at work are in fact flirting with everyone they come in contact with.


Exactly!
It's such a broad term and it has so many different interpretations that many times I end up wonder if someone is flirting or not.

I think it comes down to your intentions/aims. 
If you act/talk in a way to make the other person get interested in you...then this is flirting and it's not fair to your SO. It doesn't matter what you do...but if your attitude sends the signal that you want the other person to notice you in a non-friendly way then it's not healthy for the relationship with your partner. 

Generally, I'm against flirting with other people while you're in a relationship with someone else.


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## Knite29 (Apr 12, 2014)

Is it acceptable to flirt? 

To me it honestly depends on your relationship with your spouse and how you both see things. 

Flirting can be harmless but it can also be disrespectful if the spouse or other member in the relationship takes it that way. 

Best thing I believe is to talk to your significant other about it. Define boundaries and play with in them. If you can not then you both need to try and work through it because it may be a game changer in your relationship. The key is communication with your significant other, not what other people think.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

In every day RL there'll always be those who may flirt with you and one cannot control that ........... innocent flirting back I do not feel harm one's relationship and is normal. 

Any further pursuit other than that innocent flirting is a no no IMHO ?!?! 

In my line of work I deal with dozens of different personalities each day from patients , doctors , EMS personal , even relatives of patients who would flirt and I actually find it a nice distraction to a stressful day ............. especially i he's ummmmm cute haaaa


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband doesn't have any problems with me flirting and I don't have any problems with him flirting. Neither of us are idiots and we know that flirting/talking is used as a general mood lifter. It's fun and can be funny! But touching along with the flirting is a NO GO.

I like to watch my friends flirt with my husband and he loves it. It makes him feel good even though we all know it's just for fun.


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## Undisclosed (Apr 14, 2014)

The flirting may be harmless at first. But what if in doing it, one or both parties start to become attracted and it turns into something else?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband doesn't have any problems with me flirting and I don't have any problems with him flirting. Neither of us are idiots and we know that flirting/talking is used as a general mood lifter. It's fun and can be funny! But touching along with the flirting is a NO GO.
> 
> I like to watch my friends flirt with my husband and he loves it. It makes him feel good even though we all know it's just for fun.


That's all great and all.

But chances are, if it wasn't "just for run" you wouldn't really know, would you?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Depends on what flirt means. Some call it flirting when you are friendly to someone of the opposite sex, I see that as being friendly to another human being. If we are including that then I'd have to say that's okay but if the flirting is coming on to the other person then I'll have to pass. I feel that would be disrespectful to my husband. I've seen couples who flirt more with the server who brings them there food then they ever do with each other, that's sad. That would hurt if my husband did that. My husband teases me and flirts with me all the time, I'm one happy lady.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> That's all great and all.
> 
> But chances are, if it wasn't "just for run" you wouldn't really know, would you?


Yes, I would know, I think. I have extremely sensitive internal alarm bells. The problems happen when someone doesn't know the difference between light hearted flirting and someone coming on to them. If I flirt with someone, I can usually tell if they aren't taking it in the spirit in which it was intended. If someone flirts with me and they take it too far for my comfort level, the game is over and I keep my distance.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I know what you mean about instincts. We had some friends and the wife would say flirty things to my husband, my husband just did not feel comfortable with the things she was saying, well within the year she had 2 different affairs.

We don't flirt (come on to) other people out of respect and because we feel no need. But if someone thinks having a rule of no flirting is gonna save their marriage, I don't think it guarantees anything. From couples I know the ones who had the most rules usually had the most problems with affairs. Rules won't protect you like a relationship. 

Our one rule is love, honor, and cherish. If one of us is uncomfortable with anything or if we know they would be we back off no matter what it us. If need be we talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until we come to a place where both are at peace. 

I don't think the rules create the problem just don't think they solve it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cloaked said:


> I agree. I understand that a look to acknowledge someone may be coupled with sizing them up. Since looks are the first step of flirting, lingering glances or going back for seconds implies intent. Especially when a woman's first look involves staring at my junk then slowly moving to my eyes with a come hither expression. A married woman did this to me recently along with some very subtle yet provoking hip thrusts.


That's not flirting, that's solicitation with intent.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Why bother hiring interns otherwise 

There's a gray area of business flirting... I've seen our marketing guy charm the panties off our potential client's representative... From a team building / meet and greet to drinks alone after work... Brrr. The guy put on a clinic. Envy.

We got the business tho. I don't know if the guy got lucky but he should.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Is flirting being extra nice to someone of the opposite sex? I do that with the men I work with. Part of schmoozing with colleagues. 

Sometimes I sense one or two are probing for more but it's easy to shut that down. Attitude, social and physical distance makes a big difference.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> Especially when a woman's first look involves staring at my junk then slowly moving to my eyes with a come hither expression. A married woman did this to me recently along with some very subtle yet provoking hip thrusts.


She sounds classy


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Dollystanford said:


> She sounds classy


:iagree: :rofl:


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

I think it is unacceptable to flirt... I know some people that are flirty and don't even relise it. Its just how they act. I think if they are doing it on purpose to attract the opposite sex for sexual satisfaction/sexual attention that is just crossing the line. 

I noticed some people said they just use it for business purposes. I actually don't call that flirting. I call that sucking up unless you are saying nasty things to them that are sexual but complimenting someone to close the deal is not flirting in my book. 

My husband is completely clueless to flirting... if a woman flirted with him I don't think he would noticed until she outright said "let me suck on your ****" or something similar. I mean I am his first real girl so he doesn't have much experience in that department


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't flirt often but a lot of times men would flirt with me while I'm at work. Doctors, EMS guys , police officers and even my own patients so if I'm in a good mood ....... nothing wrong with having some fun and flirt right to back ??

I of course wouldn't do that in front of my husband but he's very secure and knows he can't get rid of me that easily anyways haaaa !

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I feel bad for women. Us man don't deal with this much.

Women on the other hand, jesus, I feel so bad.....the constant wave after wave of dogs and sexual creatures chasing your every step.

Man, that must be tough. I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind little attention but some of the things I see are just hostile/abusive (especially in those in big cities hehe).

Probably shouldn't even be labelled "flirting".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yes, within boundaries.

Smiling, joking, teasing, etc... all that OK.

Doing stuff alone with the other person, expressing affection, physical contact, etc... not OK.

My marriage took a quantum leap when I realized that other women were attracted to me, how to flirt effectively, and that I receive a ton of energy and strength knowing I'm desired.

It's common for married women to go out with friends with the express purpose of getting checked out or hit on. So they know they are desired.

Not something I like from my wife, but I do understand that there will always be an undercurrent of that there. 

And -- to be very honest -- my wife is a far better wife when I'm confident of my appeal and we both know there are others that would be willing to take her place. Just like I'm a better husband knowing that other dudes would be willing to take mine.

I have gotten hit on more in the past few years than I did the previous 40.


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