# mid life crises



## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Hi, I'm new here. This is my story. I've been married for 22 challenging years to a wild and crazy guy. We have two grown sons. He is the most magical person I have ever known. He is usually charming when there is an "audience" but things can change very quickly behind closed doors. He has been verbally, emotionally, (and once physically) abusive over the years. He has admitted to "messing with my head" for fun in the past but says he doesn't do that anymore and for the most part has stopped all abuse. He does, however, continue to lie seemingly just for fun. He is an adrenaline junkie, a narcissist, has an addictive personality, and is bipolar. He is very handsome and charismatic, most everybody loves him, he really has quite a presence. 

A couple of years ago he started dressing very differently, as if he were going to a nightclub. He started buying lots of expensive sports cars, we now own 5! I figured OK so he's having a MLC, no big deal, he'll outgrow this. One day I came home and told him I was so happy the Dr. told me I was post menopausal, he got a very serious look on his face and said nothing, he almost looked panicked. For the next 7 months our sex life sucked and he didn't seem interested. Then someone called me and tipped me off about a woman half our age at his office. She looks like me, just the younger version of me. The resemblace makes me shudder, it just gives me the creeps! At first he denied everything and got really angry with me, said I was making a really big deal out of it. Now he admits it was an EA. Slowly we are working through this but I want him to move her into a different office and he said he will but he is dragging his feet with it. 

I asked him why he did this and he said he wanted to know if he still had it, he wanted to know if he could still get a younger woman.

I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is but there seem to be some pretty wise people on this forum and I would appreciate any input anyone can give me. I am pretty heartbroken and if he can't completely sever all ties with this girl I'm willing to walk away from this marriage.

What is the hope for our marriage? Will he get over this? Will there be another young girl after this one? What do you all think?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that after all the years of abuse and manipulation, you need to see a counselor to get back your own self-esteem, which he likely has eroded. That will help you deal with his lies and such, and if he starts going for more women, it will help you kick his rear out and not stand for it.

With his personality, the only way you can save your marriage is for YOU to be stronger and not put up with crap; if he won't cut ties, you will have to deliver an ultimatum.

Has he given you his passwords to his phone and computer? Have you given him a deadline for moving her out of his office?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Bipolar AND Narcisstic...WOW!! I thought i had problems with my ex being just bipolar 

it sounds like he is the boss? This is not good, if he attempts to move her or fire her there could be repercussions like her claiming sexual harrassment. Especially if she feels threatened in any way. I do think that either she needs to leave or HE needs to leave, probably that later if he is her direct boss. This will keep any possiblity of harrassment suits and/or charges from being filed.

Either way good luck...


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Thank You Turnera and dblkman,

I have had a good amount of counseling. Nobody told me how to deal with his lies though I know pointing them out just sends him into a rage. I now have access to his phone and it has taken quite a lot of work (arguing) to get that to be shared. I'll work on the computer next!

He is the boss (owner and CEO) of a large company. Women throw themselves at him, like he is a rock star. This all came to a head back in November and he promised he would relocate her but he wasn't getting it done and went into a rage everytime I asked him about it so I did give him an ultimatum. He has until this November to get rid of her or I am filing for divorce.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Why so long to get rid of her?? I feel for you - living with that kind of personality would make me feel terrrible about myself over time. Get yourself strong in the head - you do not deserve this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I feel for you also. Unfortunately my story is almost identical to yours. I don't think you can fix the problem--God knows I have tried. The problem is that a narcissist loves to have that ego stroked. And a young woman stokes that ego. Honestly, you may get rid of this woman, but there are hundreds more for him to get his "fix" from. I wish you all the luck in the world.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Neverwouldhaveguessed, re the answer to why so long to get rid of her? Repurcussions in the workplace for one, also I think he was deep in the "fog" of the affair as I think it is called here, he seems to be SLOWLY coming out of it. His initial response to me was "you can divorce me, I'll never get rid of her" so I called a lawyer and then he changed his tune. Unfortunately he is a bully and I have no choice but to play hard ball and I _will_ follow through if he doesn't keep his promise to get rid of her...at some point you just have to draw the line. He has crushed my heart (and my spirit) one too many times. 


827 Aug, Are you still married? I LOVE your profile pic!


Everyday I get a little bit stronger, I just will never look at him the same way again, EVER! Kind of like "Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

<3


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Thanks yogachick. I honestly think I need to stick with the horses. They are so much less trouble! Plus two of them give much better back massages than that estranged husband ever did.

Seriously, though I am still married to my narcissist. He moved out more than two years ago and we now have little contact. My case is very complicated. But, I will tell you that the estranged husband got to the point where he couldn't focus on our business because he was too busy working on his ego. We lost the business and most everything else also. Hope this doesn't happen to you. Be strong!


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