# His family trying to sabotage our marriage



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry this is so long, I'll try to explain everything as best and succinctly as I can. *What I'm looking for is advice on what to do, because this has the potential to be the issue that ruins our marriage.*

I've been married for a year, and never met my husband's family, except for 4 of his 6 children from previous relationships (4 kids from his first ex, a common law marriage, and a set of twins from his last official marriage). I'm his second legal wife, and we have no kids, but I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship. Neither of the exes has completely moved on, and they don't like each other because the first ex got pregnant by him while he was married to the 2nd ex (his twins are only 7 months younger than the youngest kid with his first ex). They resent me because they're battling each other to get more time from my husband with their kids, but he lives with my son and see's/interacts with him daily. They also think my husband financially supports me and my son, which is NOT true- I pay most of the bills, and because of that he is able to pay the almost $2k in child support every month.

Regarding my relationship with the kids I've met, I've always tried to be a "good" step mom, making sure they are fed well, entertained, and have fun while they're here.

One of the reasons I haven't met his other family is we separated after 2 months of marriage and just reconciled a few months ago. Anyway, that's a bit of back story, and here's the issue. Sometimes, his kids will come stay at our house, and most recently it was his 8 year old daughter.

While she was here the week before last and we were out shopping (husband was not there), the girl was telling me all sorts of horrible things about her dad...things that were obviously put into her head by an adult.

She was saying things like "my dad likes to have a lot of women", "he doesn't give us any money" (I didn't respond to this statement, but it's bull; I see half his check disappear each month for their child support), "my dad probably has AIDS because he messes around a lot" (I assured her this was not true), "he likes the twins better than us, but we came first", "women get stupid over my dad until they find out the real him, then it just all falls apart". And these things were said verbatim- you know an 8 year old did NOT come up with any of that. The only statement I responded to was the AIDS thing, other than that I just listened, while wondering how she could've come up with these statements.

Towards the end of her visit, she gives me her mom's number, and I give her my number to give to her mom. I figured there would be no harm in that, and her mom never called me, nor did I call the mom. I didn't talk to my husband about what she'd said at that time, because I didn't know how to even begin to tell him.

Well this morning when my husband went to pick up the 8 year old daughter and one of his sons for the week, he calls me saying he was told by his mom (the girl's grandma) that I was questioning his daughter, and that his ex asked why I gave her daughter my number- she gave me her mom's number first! The woman's had my number for 2 weeks, and she wants to start mess the day he picks the child up? She's called my husband these past 2 weeks about picking up the kids, 2 of their birthdays, money (as she always does), but she didn't mention having my number, and it's supposed to be some grave concern to her now?! And I did NOT question that girl, as I said before I stayed silent except to let her know he didn't have AIDS. So now I see that his mom, ex, and even the kids are trying to ruin our marriage.

I got pissed and told him I didn't ask his daughter anything and am offended that I'm being accused of doing so...I also told him I want nothing to do with his family, never want to meet them, will not interact with his kids (so no one can accuse me of doing or saying anything I didn't do), that my son won't play with them, and that if we ever have kids they will not be around those people. I also let him know all the things his daughter said about him, and suggested he talk to his ex or whoever was bad mouthing him in front of those kids.

Now we're at odds with each other, the kids are here and I'm ignoring my husband and them, he's ignoring me and my son, and I'm feeling hurt because he automatically took their side instead of asking me- he accused instead of really looking to see who's starting the mess. He didn't stand up for me and say "my wife wouldn't do that", he didn't even say "I'll talk to her and figure out what's going on". All I ever tried to do was be good to those kids, and this is what I get? I am so over it all...I don't even want to be here this week, lest I get accused of something else. I won't even make their food anymore, lest I get blamed should they become sick or Lord knows what else. I never intended for my marriage to be this way; I don't even want them in my house. I know it's bad to say, but I honestly want nothing to do with those kids anymore. This just feels so hopeless...if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The most important thing is to talk to your husband. You and him need to create a united front. The two of you come first, over kids, over everything else. If he's not willing to work on that, then there really isn't much else I can suggest.

It must be confusing for the children to be ignored by each of you. I mean come on - really? Be kind, be distant, and don't be alone with them. Don't cook food for them if you are that nervous about it - but do not just ignore them, they are children that have no control over the foolishness of their parents.

I would say you have some really serious issues going on that require professional help.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

When I say ignore, I mean I'm not interacting with them, but I'm not being mean to them either. The one who's really going to be confused is my 3 year old, who's taking a nap, and hasn't been aware of what's gone on this morning. He's going to want to play with them, but won't get why he can't. Because of this, I'm considering just going to my mom's for the rest of the week. I won't have my child feeling unwelcome in his own home, and I'm not going to tip-toe around when I pay the bills.

And you're right, but I don't know that he's willing to talk about anything, and I definitely know he will never put "us" over his kids. So I guess there really may not be much else to say. It's just so frustrating, and I wanted to vent. I'll try to talk to him later, if I haven't left yet.


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