# Yeah so I'm an idiot and paying for it



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

What is wrong with me!!!! I came here in December because my husband had an affair when I was 9 months pregnant. I am back here again because you all know my story and I can't tel anyone else. Or don't want to. 

So maybe you guys know that I am pregnant. Again. 18 weeks now. 

I thought everything was going to be okay. We started going to church and we have even started serving and helping with the nursery and everything. I thought we were bonding over this and maybe had started a new life.

Then I track my husbands phone tonight and realize he is smoking weed again!! Something he "hasn't" done since he started his new "big boy" job 6-7 months ago. They random drug test. 

I thought he was an effing grown up now and here he is, smoking pot again. WTF. I am so angry. And who else do I have to blame but myself? 

I saw where he was because of findmyiphone. I knew what he was going when I saw the location of his phone (frequent smoke spot in the past). 

He got home and totally gaslighted me when I asked him about it. What do you mean? I would never do that. Why are you picking a fight. Etc

I am telling you all this because I have no one to tell. Everyone (I know) is either totally for our marriage or totally against. 

We are still living with family bc we sold our house a few months ago and haven't found a new one, so that's good. Not a huge financial tie in the way. 

I am off tomorrow and everyone will be at work or daycare. I think I am going to go get a hotel with the kids until I figure out what to do. 

Sorry if anyone's new and confused. You can read my first post. And sorry to all of you who are probably annoyed at seeing me complain again. I know this is all my fault at this point. But we agreed smoking pot had to go if we were going to stay married.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Can I ask why he can’t smoke pot? (I’m JUST curious)


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

When he cheated on me he smoked it all day everyday. And it is not something I do and never been something I've been okay with.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He partly blamed "being high and not in his right mind" as to why he cheated. 

Also, he would get fired from his new job if he fails a drug test, which would put us in a bind.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> Can I ask why he can’t smoke pot? (I’m JUST curious)


Aside from the cost, the behavior, and the foul stench on the clothes, the body, and in the mouth she would kiss... OP mentioned that his job drug tests. That is an unacceptable risk for a father with one child at home and another on the way.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I'd say those are pretty good reasons.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I know some of TAM's members use pot.

While not as damaging as excessive alcohol use, it does make you lazy. A non-productive person.
I know, I know, some people have no issues with it They use it occasionally.
Hurray for you.

A lot of people cannot handle any sort of drug..or alcohol.

And pot, long term is bad for your health.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@adegirl2016 He's never going to stop smoking pot. It's time to accept that fact. And he's gaslighting/lying to you about it. 

Even if he makes and sticks to all the other changes he's promised (of which I am VERY skeptical), this isn't going to change. Which means, if you stay with him, you will ALWAYS be worried that he's going to lose his job due to some random drug test. 

How do you feel about that?

Are you finished with your degree program yet? How close are you to being able to support yourself without his income?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Did you marry him knowing he was a fairly heavy pot smoker??


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> What is wrong with me!!!! I came here in December because my husband had an affair when I was 9 months pregnant. I am back here again because you all know my story and I can't tel anyone else. Or don't want to.
> 
> So maybe you guys know that I am pregnant. Again. 18 weeks now.
> 
> ...


So sorry. 

Know how you feel to lose trust in someone that’s supposed to be there for you. Hurts like hell.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Get a hair sample and test it. Show up his gas lighting. Leave him if it's positive. This was all a bad idea to try to work through this, he smoked a ton of weed and cheated. Vent all you want, but nothing will change unless you change it.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am not going to bump your other thread, but I posted this there...



Herschel said:


> My heart breaks reading this. This guy...you are 25, and you about to give birth to his second child. He is cheating on you with some "****ty" woman from work. You know what she isn't? The mother of his kids who pushed two babies out of her vagina. He was disgusted by you and decided to stick his **** in someone else. He is the absolute worst kind of cheater. He isn't someone who let time dig at his soul. Let years of sexless night make him go out. He abandoned you at the time you needed him most and it will absolutely happen again.
> 
> I suggest you work on taking care of your little baby and build up a support network. You just finishing school and now are likely looking for a professional job and will have two babies to take care of. I wouldn't stay with him, but I can understand if it is too hard to leave him now. Just prepare yourself for the worst.


The reason why I posted it again is that you should read that thread and realize, the worst happened. Now, are you going to let it happen again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Whose family are you living with? His? Yours?

Are you in school right now? Do you have a job?

You might want to talk to a lawyer about moving out with your children because he might be able to fight you on that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, he's made his choice, and it's not you or your children.

It's a foregone conclusion that if he is using pot again, it's just a matter of when, not if, he'll lose his job.

You wanted to believe he'd change. We've all had more faith in people than they deserve. If you're going to a hotel, you may as well have him served with divorce papers, or else you're leaving will be disregarded as not serious, and he'll go back to his old ways (again).

We teach people how to treat us, but we also teach them what we will/won't tolerate.

I'm sorry you find yourself here again.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just being honest here because blowing sunshine up your ass doesn't help.

The time has come to start looking at why you continue to cling to a serial cheater you've caught at least TWICE in the last 3 years cheating on you, and *no doubt* has gotten away with a lot MORE crap you don't even know about. It would be ridiculously naive to think that you caught him the only two times he's cheated on you.

Secondly, this is now your THIRD kid with this miscreant. You already have two kids and one is a baby, and here you are pregnant yet again. You just keep digging this hole deeper and deeper. I don't get it. I don't.

I just think you're making foolish choices over and over and over and over and _*this*_ is where it's gotten you.

He's continually shown you exactly who he is. And you continue to cling to him, no matter what.

You're no longer a victim. You're a volunteer.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I graduated from college this past May. I have a good job and would be fine on my own. We have a hefty savings account at this time from selling our home. We are with his parents. 

We actually had a home under contract and the appraisal ruined the deal. I believe there is a reason for everything and we obviously weren't meant to buy that home. 

To the person who asked me why I've done this to myself - that's a great question. 

My parents divorced when I was 5. It was a complete nightmare. It was long and drawn out. The whole family was involved and constantly fighting. My mom has stepped out of my life many times. I don't want this life for my kids. My 5 year old is smart and happy. I've never wanted to ruin his ichildhood.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> I graduated from college this past May. I have a good job and would be fine on my own. We have a hefty savings account at this time from selling our home. We are with his parents.
> 
> We actually had a home under contract and the appraisal ruined the deal. I believe there is a reason for everything and we obviously weren't meant to buy that home.
> 
> ...


You are not the one doing that, your pothead husband is. 

Mine divorced when I was 4. Yes we had a hard and unpleasant childhood. But it made you who you are today, a great mother.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I know. And here we are again. Supposed to be celebrating our sons birthday this weekend. 

I also have this fear he is just going to walk out of their lives. He's the all or nothing type. I don't see us coparenting well.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I know. And here we are again. Supposed to be celebrating our sons birthday this weekend. 

I also have this fear he is just going to walk out of their lives. He's the all or nothing type. I don't see us coparenting well.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am so sorry you find yourself here again. Your husband has become a huge liability to you when he started smoking pot again. The fact that he can be random drug tested is enough for him to stop smoking. At least, it should be.

I am one of those "responsible" pot smokers. So is my boyfriend. We get up at 5 a.m. every day, go do our jobs in a professional manner, come home, and relax. Our bills are always paid in a timely manner, we keep a clean house, etc. Now, that would never ever ever happen if we would be subject to random drug tests. Both of us would stop immediately. That is my Line in the Sand. If my partner does anything to jeopardize his job, he's gone. And I realize your husband is a cheater and I won't repeat everything that has been said here. But I'm mainly focusing on the pot situation because that is entirely unacceptable. And this is coming from a pot smoker.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I am in no way saying that he should or shouldn’t use it. I’m friendly to it myself, but I don’t do it because of my job. I was honestly just curious what part it played in the story. I know people who do it and function very well (apparently Lucy is one of them!) and then I know others who can barely function because of it. I was honestly just curious where it fell into the story. THAT’S IT.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

adegirl2016 said:


> I know. And here we are again. Supposed to be celebrating our sons birthday this weekend.
> 
> I also have this fear he is just going to walk out of their lives. He's the all or nothing type. I don't see us coparenting well.


So what if he does walk out of their lives? Considering he's a serial cheater, liar, and clearly doesn't care if he fails a drug test and loses his ability to support the kids, why would you want that for your kids example of manhood anyway? Frankly, him walking out of their lives might be the best thing for them!

Also, really, DO NOT buy a house with this man unless you are absolutely sure you can cover the mortgage, property tax, homeowners, utilities, etc. solely on your income. I am a long time pot smoker and I can tell you that how companies handle failed drug tests can be brutal. Some will say "We'll keep you on probation and you'll go to treatment to get clean!". Most will say "You failed a drug test, so we're letting you go. Gather your things and leave the property." You don't want to be tied to him and a mortgage if/when that happens. 

Also, be aware that it's standard procedure to drug test when there is an accident. It's a liability thing and insurance companies demand it, so employers do it. Any incidents or accidents at work will be his responsibility whether or not they were his fault if he tests positive. In other words, if he gets hurt and tests positive, he'll have a hard time getting compensation, if he gets any at all. If he ends up involved in equipment damage or someone else is injured, he could be liable and sued for damages.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He will most definitely be fired. He is a temp to hire at this time, so he is in a probationary time anyway. It will be this way for at least another year. 

I am so stressed out. Stomach is turning. I don't know what to do. I want to leave today. If I do, I'm not sure where to go. I don't know who would watch my kids Saturday while I work. I could stay at my parents (they are going out of town today anyway) but then I have to tell them what's going on and I hate to bc I could tell they were already disappointed I was pregnant again. They will just lecture me. My son has a project due tomorrow so I don't want to go to a hotel. I don't want him to think I am not serious so I don't want to stay here either. 

I need help thinking this through!!!


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

There is so much going on it makes it hard to leave but I guess I need to suck it up and make it work.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I know some of TAM's members use pot.
> 
> While not as damaging as excessive alcohol use, it does make you lazy. A non-productive person.
> I know, I know, some people have no issues with it They use it occasionally.
> ...


Of course if you could get fired for using it, that is a bad idea.

As for your comments: 

1. I know very productive people who use it and lazy people who don't. I don't think there is any causal connection from using pot to being lazy.

2. And as its being bad for your health in the long run, I don't think there is any evidence for that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd say those are pretty good reasons.





tech-novelist said:


> Of course if you could get fired for using it, that is a bad idea.
> 
> As for your comments:
> 
> ...



When I read this, your post, my eyebrows jumped up.
On this note, I pass.

I pass gas.

If it ain't in the food chain. It don't belong in the system. Even if it 'fits in' one of the systems orifices. 
If something deadens thinking, it will quicken the process.

The lickin' Mother Nature gives us:
It may feel good to the point that it feels no more.

And 'no more' is not a good place to make a living.
It is a good place to make a grave giving. 

I can never justify cutting out thought, cutting out the circus and the play that surrounds my every move.
To remain in a stupor is to remain just stupid. stupid by choice.

Just Sayin'

I take medicine and get my flu shots. I can compromise, but on this....I cannot.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> When I read this, your post, my eyebrows jumped up.
> On this note, I pass.
> 
> I pass gas.
> ...


I would never get a flu shot. Those are extremely hazardous.

As for your other points, why do we have cannabinoid receptors in every cell of our bodies?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Yeah lazy people come in all shapes and sizes. I agree pot smoking can be negative for some and positive for others. I just dont agree with it making everyone lazy. It does the opposite for some people. Like alcohol, we've all heard these "I'm a happy drunk" "I'm a flirty and horny drunk" "I can't drink xyz, it makes me angry, or he/she is an angry drunk" and so on and so forth. Pot is really the same. Different people, different effects. So labeling it as it makes you lazy I don't buy. It makes different people all sorts of different things. 

That being said, your husband is a *********. He's a cheater and he would allow himself to risk losing his job and providing for his family just to get high. At this point, its on you though OP, so forgive me if I have no sympathy for you and your situation. Im guessing you've known you were married to a complete ******* ********* mouth breathing moron for years now. But you choose to stay, so what does that make you then?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

adegirl2016 said:


> He will most definitely be fired. He is a temp to hire at this time, so he is in a probationary time anyway. It will be this way for at least another year.
> 
> I am so stressed out. Stomach is turning. I don't know what to do. I want to leave today. If I do, I'm not sure where to go. I don't know who would watch my kids Saturday while I work. I could stay at my parents (they are going out of town today anyway) but then I have to tell them what's going on and I hate to bc I could tell they were already disappointed I was pregnant again. They will just lecture me. My son has a project due tomorrow so I don't want to go to a hotel. I don't want him to think I am not serious so I don't want to stay here either.
> 
> I need help thinking this through!!!


As much of a PITA it will be, they lecture because they love, and because they thought you should leave him a long time ago. He's not good enough for their little girl.

They may lecture, but they also will support you and help you if you actually leave him for real this time. And if you allow yourself to lean on them in your time of crisis, it may strengthen your relationship with your parents. Which is a good thing, because you're going to need them to babysit sometimes.

Who was going to watch the kids on Saturday already? I assume his parents? Can you still go with that plan? Do they know what's going on? Do they condone your sons behavior?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Currently know someone who’s STBXH was caught with positive drug screens by a MAJOR worldwide company under the influence of crack, heroin and bath salts. They paid for his rehab down in Florida for a month, his attorney against his STBXW when she had a restraining order taken out against him, he kept his job, full pay while at rehab, etc. But I also know that here where I work, we had an employee trip over a pallet that was laying where it shouldn’t have been and since it cut his leg he had to go for a random drug screen and was fired for there being marijuana in his system. Every place is different. 

If you want to leave, you should leave. Any waffling or over thinking will make you stuck. Can you talk to your work about getting your shift covered for Saturday? When I left my ex husband, my previous employer was very understanding of the circumstances and did whatever they could to help me. They even let me work a separate position for 4 hours on second shift every night to get some money in the bank. As far as your parents, let them chew you out. It’s just words, it’s just some “I told you so”, let them flow in one ear and out there other. You know they’re coming, let them. Or, you could head it off with “Listen, I’m very emotional, I’m upset, I need to straighten some things out on my own and I don’t need to be made to feel any worse than I already do so I’d appreciate if you can just support me and love me because that’s what I need right now.”


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I agree with the others who say go to your parents. You have GOT to get rid of this albatross around your neck. He's dragging you down into a way of life that I think will be detrimental to you and your kids.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I know some of TAM's members use pot.
> 
> While not as damaging as excessive alcohol use, it does make you lazy. A non-productive person.
> I know, I know, some people have no issues with it They use it occasionally.
> ...


While it is legal in some states and in other locations the police will not arrest if caught it is still against federal law. 

Many industries are regulated by the federal OSHIA and many of the regulations to protect worker and public safety require no federally illegal drug use and random drug testing is an efficient way for companies to meet their OSHIA requirements. 

If you work for one of those companies it is a HUGE issue unless you can find employment in another industry at a moments notice. The guy has a small child and another baby on the way. This is a critical financial issue for his family.

His wife should really sit him down and tell him he needs to man up as a husband and father and drop the weed, unless he has several months income in the bank to carry his family through getting fired for failing a drug test and then finding out other companies in the same industry don't want to hire him for good reason, but he has skills in another industry where they don't do drug testing.

(Note if that later is the case, then he should transition to that other industry right now or drop the use of a drug that can be spotted in a drug test.


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