# Is sex work?



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm confused about something.

I'd love to have sex everyday but husband says "It's too much work." 

Most times he says he's too tired, or just wants to relax... ect.

I think sex is relaxing, if anything it helps you sleep better. 

I know my husband does a lot of the "work." But geez is it really that hard? 

Maybe I just don't understand because I'm a woman. But is it really that much work to bring a girl to orgasm? :scratchhead: It doesn't bother me to bring him there. I enjoy it.

I mean, I know there is some skill involved. But it's not like physical work, and it doesn't take that long. 

I just don't understand how it being a little bit of work, can outweigh all the fun and benefits.

So guys. What do you think? Is it a lot a work? So much that it feels like a chore sometimes? Or is it always fun, and you enjoy it? 

I sure have a blast. I don't understand how someone doesn't think that 20 minutes of total time and effort isn't worth it.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

If it starts to feel like work, then something needs to change...

Maybe frequency needs to change? Everyday or twice a day may start to seem like a chore to some.

Maybe positions and technique need to change? You say your husband does a lot of the work, maybe you can vary that some.

Maybe timing needs to change? Many men are more aroused in the morning.

Maybe constraints need to change? I would rather not be under any time constraint during sex. 

Maybe the foreplay and anticipation need to change? Not all men are ready to go at the drop of a hat. That goes mentally and not just physically, we can need some buildup and anticipation.

I can climax pretty easily and quickly if I want, but the wife definitely takes a good amount of time. Both of us aren't going to leave satisfied in 20 minutes. There have been a couple occasions where I'm "trying too hard" to make her come, she feels the pressure, and that makes it that much harder to orgasm. These times have definitely been "work" for both of us and unsatisfying.

But you're right, sex should not be considered "work".


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I don't understand how someone doesn't think that 20 minutes of total time and effort isn't worth it.


A few possibilities come to mind:

- Most guys can take care of themselves in less time with much less effort. Is it a poor substitute? absolutely. If he is viewing a lot of porn, red flag that too. Either make him watch it with you, or not watch it. 

- Medical issues. If he is low drive (LD), there may be an underlying medical reason. He may be embarrassed by it and avoids sex unless he is raring to go to avoid embarrassment.

- Depression / mental illness. There would be other signs too, but tossing this in to be through in answering the question. If that depression is linked to his dissatisfaction in the marriage and he is unsure how to talk about it, that could be manifesting itself in strange ways.

- Too frequent. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. All guys are different, and it changes as we age. When I was 18 I could go 3 or 4 times in a 24hour period. Now If I go once I'm happy, and we sometimes try for 2, but I'm never that hard, and it's difficult to maintain the erection as long as normal. 

Based on some of your other threads, I'd say medical or too frequent is what's going on with your H. 
Try to take some of the pressure off him by not insisting he orgasm each time you have sex. Use some toys and let him play with you. It's interesting how so many people believe sex isn't complete unless the man orgasms and how sad the reality is that many women don't. Ladies 1st I say.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't describe how much "work" it is. I've had some partners who have a hair trigger when it comes to an orgasm. Of course, they usually want multiples... Then I've had other partners who can take 30 minutes of tongue lashing (so to speak). My current SO is like that. I don't consider it "work", but maybe if someone didn't enjoy their partner's pleasure, they would feel different. 

How actively do you participate? How long do your sessions last (do you ever go for quickies )?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If it is, someone owes me a whole lot of back wages.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe its work because they already rubbed one out earlier.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I do not see it as work, but then again there is so much you do not tell us. It it takes him pounding away for an hour plus everyday, well then that IS a lot of effort.

I could do oral everyday. I could have sex everyday. 

But I think I wold expect you to help carry the load a bit. Like how much cowgirl do you do?

How long does it take for you to get off? 

You guys could use vibrators to help this along you know.

I think I would be up for this challenge. 

Then again, what does he do for a living? Is there a lot of stress? Does he exercise and get enough sleep? 

Do you have children. All sorts of Central Nervous System stresses in life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> maybe its work because they already rubbed one out earlier.


This could make it easier actually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's got work he can't handle, I guess he could subcontract it out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/76538-sore-clitoris.html#post1887810

The above says you get sore after sex.

I have not read it but i am assuming you can have g-spot orgasms as well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe he means it's exhausting.... which if you do it right it certainly can be! Next time.... why don't YOU do ALL the work!? Guys love it when they can just lay back and enjoy. 

Blow and ride, ride and blow....! Win/win situation!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes and I already have a job, thank you.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I certainly don't want to over simplify this, and I don't claim to know anything about the OP and her motivation for posting. But I will say, in theory, I wish my wife wanted sex everyday. I will also say I looooooove brownies. But I would want to eat them everyday.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> But it's not like physical work, and it doesn't take that long.


=/



> So guys. What do you think? Is it a lot a work? So much that it feels like a chore sometimes? Or is it always fun, and you enjoy it?


When I'm horny, it's not work at all.
When I'm tired, or not horny, or stressed, and then I have an extra "duty" for the day before I can relax, then it IS indeed work.

You can try "blow and ride" but I advise lay off on the frequency, sex everyday (or more) can be a chore. Play a bit of hard to get, let him get horny and come to you. That's a better approach for many men. Of course, try each of these options and see which one applies best to your husband.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> I certainly don't want to over simplify this, and I don't claim to know anything about the OP and her motivation for posting. But I will say, in theory, I wish my wife wanted sex everyday. I will also say I looooooove brownies. But I would want to eat them everyday.


I meant to say 'I wouldn't want to eat them everyday'. Oops.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm confused about something.
> 
> I'd love to have sex everyday but husband says "It's too much work."
> 
> ...


I'm a guy, but I see it just as you. I never understood the 'work" mentality of sex. If sex is work, I'm not sure I could stand the excitement of true fun.

My x wife had that work mentality at times. I noticed, however, that she could have energy for other things.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

NatureDave said:


> If it starts to feel like work, then something needs to change...
> 
> Maybe frequency needs to change? Everyday or twice a day may start to seem like a chore to some..


:iagree: even the most virile men will one day feels tired if required to have sex twice a day, daily, for a prolonged length of time..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has always been very sensitive to my wanting him ...because he is such a PLEASER at heart..... when our drives switched places.... mine being higher than his... he got the opportunity to show me just how wonderful and loving he's always been .. 

Even though I was pushing him to his limits sexually.... I did go out of my way to make it as exciting as possible -shaking things up, some new novelty... 

So long as he was not tired or sick ...He would never say SEX was work...I've never felt this from him ...in a tone, his touch, or his words....

One time I suggested I was being a Burden to him..and he laughed at me & asked if I was crazy... he was always happy & receptive to be aroused and take me for a ride....this made him happy & I was happy too! 

If the tool wasn't co-operating that night (and there has been times)....he'd happily down a viagra & tell me to wake him up in a few hours....his motto was... "If I can get it up, I'm gonna use it" with a ....he told me to put my toys away and "use him" every time....he's always enjoyed the foreplay, never trying to rush here...he's also said masterbating is hollow in comparison. 

He is a through & through Love maker , one might say...it's all about the emotional / though he wants his  at the end too....just like me....the building up of this excitement through touch.... we always get there.... and the contentment it brings in the "afterglow"...in his words.. it's the "highlight of our day". We'd never say that about work !


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :iagree: even the most virile men will one day feels tired if required to have sex twice a day, daily, for a prolonged length of time..


I'm getting close. Not quite there yet, but close. I guess it hits somewhere around 23 years together.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm confused about something.
> 
> I'd love to have sex everyday but husband says "It's too much work."
> 
> ...


Two keys communication is key and we are all different!! 5 years ago I would have agreed with you 100%.

Then I went through a "I hate quickies phase" it was like if sex wasn't going to be kissing, carressing, oral, multiple positions, and toys too I wasn't interested. Then months went by and sex started to decrease and the wife and I talked and talked and finally she said "Why does sex always have to be like a porno or something?" 

Turns out she felt pressure and wanted just a quickie just some kisses and 10 minutes. She didn't want the 1hr min bang fest not that you are asking for that either.

Now currently........I'm fine with 1 time and week and my wife is more of the aggressor. She will make cute little comments "Date night tonight? We can stay in!!" 

Which I'll count the days and I think yep it's been 4-5 days. Talke with your husband and you guys will get to the bottom of it.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

This ain't rocket science. It does seem to be a common root problem, not just for sex as pleasure or sex as work but a whole range of relationship issues.

Basically x DOES NOT EQUAL y
Where x is what spouse A likes/wants/desires/considers normal
and
Where y is what spouse B likes/wants/desires/considers normal
and
B finds x terrible/undesirable/silly/disgusting/abnormal 
and
A finds y terrible/undesirable/silly/disgusting/abnormal 
and
A and B talk past each other with neither listening to what the other is saying nor considering the opposite point of view may be legitimate or at least as legitimate as the point of view being held by you. And only lip service is given to any resolution.
Until one aggrieved spouse - male or female, it really doesn't matter - confides in a friend or family member or counselor or an online forum about how difficult the spouse is being.
The telltale phrases are, "I can't believe..." or "I can't understand..." or "I can't see..." 
Sit down when both are relaxed and 
calm. Listen to the other person, not interrupting and feeding back what you think the other said until there is agreement and then changing from listener to speaker. Own your feelings. Acknowledge the legitimacy of the other person's feelings. Listen. Feedback. Search for common ground and some acceptable compromise. Don't assume. It takes time and patience. And listening.
But it ain't rocket science.
Returning to the case in point,
For A sex is x, pleasure.
For B sex is y, work.
x DOES NOT EQUAL y
Neither is wrong. Find common ground. Listen to one another.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

We are in our twenties.

Sex is NOT everyday. I wish. I'd say its right around 3 times a week. Sometimes 2, rarely 4.

He doesn't like it in the morning.

He doesn't view porn. (No internet.)

I'm very easy to orgasm compared to most women here. It takes us 20 minutes from the first look to clean up most days. I can go in just a couple minutes if I think he is really enjoying it.

I'd prefer longer, but I take what I can get.

I feel like I actively participate. I kiss and caress and do oral. I make noises and squeeze. I like cowgirl, I LOVE doggy style. 
Monday was the first time we had sex in a week, because of "cranky time." He won't come near me with a 10ft pole then. 

I had to flirt and plead for a while to even get him interested. Then when he agreed he took an extra long shower, took a long time "preening" brushing his teeth, flossing... blah blah. I asked him if he was putting it off because he didn't want to do it, and he said he was just riling me up?

When we finally got down to it I was looking forward to some doggy style on the floor, and maybe some oral for him. I asked.

He said no he was too tired, and we just hurried and got it over with missionary style. 

:scratchhead:

I offer to do most of the work, and I offer variety and usually I get shut down, because he is too "tired" and we just do the same old thing. 

What guy turns down their wife who is trying to be more exotic?

I've talked and talked, and I just can't figure it out. He says nothing is wrong, that he likes sex, that it's not a chore. 

The only thing I can figure is low drive, and he wont try anything for that. (I've tried.)

His job isn't labor intensive. He gets plenty of sleep. He does work out, and he is fit. He's not overweight. No depression. No medicines.

Oh there is no way in heck he would have sex without his orgasm. If he didn't get those I don't think he'd have sex at all. Because that seems to be about the only part he truly enjoys.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

The hard part for you is few LD men come here. I simply can't offer advice since I can't even comprehend acting that way.

john_lord_b3 is one, and I think he adds a lot to the forum because of that.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you for being truthful.

I feel like it's just an odd situation.

I wish I could just calm myself down and not think about it as much as I do, but I can't help it. I love and want sex, dang it. 

We've been married less than a year, and many of my friends have gotten married recently as well. It makes me jealous when I see love sick couples making goo goo faces at each other, and I'm struggling to get my husband interested while I'm waltzing around in a very low cut dress and no panties. :/


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Monday he even made the comment about how it'd be nice for me to "take care of myself" that night. So he could just lay there until I'm done, then stick it in and get his. That's not real sex to me. I need an active partner. This was after a week break too, you'd think he'd be climbing the walls like I was by then.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Monday he even made the comment about how it'd be nice for me to "take care of myself" that night. So he could just lay there until I'm done, then stick it in and get his. That's not real sex to me. I need an active partner. This was after a week break too, you'd think he'd be climbing the walls like I was by then.


That is not good.

About the "work" thing...I can understand a little bit, because in my STBW and I's case, and I suspect in a lot of other peoples situations, the guy does do most of the intense physical action. It takes a lot of energy and effort to give her five minutes of head through drywall pounding. More that cowgirl I would suspect, and how often is it really a 50-50 split of the woman being the one exerting the most energy?

For me, it's not "work" in the sense of it being a chore, but it does take a lot of energy, and I suspect that in most cases, the man spends a lot more energy over all during sex than the woman.


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Monday he even made the comment about how it'd be nice for me to "take care of myself" that night. So he could just lay there until I'm done, then stick it in and get his. That's not real sex to me. I need an active partner. This was after a week break too, you'd think he'd be climbing the walls like I was by then.


Wow! Something is not right with him...


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Monday he even made the comment about how it'd be nice for me to "take care of myself" that night. So he could just lay there until I'm done, then stick it in and get his. That's not real sex to me. I need an active partner. This was after a week break too, you'd think he'd be climbing the walls like I was by then.


This sounds contradictory to what you hear a lot of men say and I'm not sure how common it is.For some guys if the woman is "too" aggressive in the chase he will start to lose interest.It can lose the anticipation factor is she always initiates. Most guys like some thrill of the chase.If he feels pressured all the time that in of itself can "feel" exhausting mentally.Its almost like its emasculating for some men in a way.Like the roles have been turned completely upside down.Hes also I'm sure aware if you have mentioned this or even fought about it you view him as sexually inadequate.

I think the rule of thumb is let him initiate more of the time than not if that is the problem.

It may not be the case for your husband but just tossing that out.I was surprised when I read that .We assume I think all guys want her to jump his bones everyday and practically rape him.

I agree with the brownie analogy too.That's how I am.Too much of a good thing.Can lose its luster.

I agree with the other poster too! That said his wife said it was the expectation of every sexual encounter especially if one wants sex far more frequently of it being the big production?If you really don't feel like sex at the time anyway then add the pressure of knowing it has to be like act1, act2, act3 .With sweaty bodies ,15 different positions, and screaming multiple orgasms for an hour ?Will seem like work.

I can see both men and women feeling that way at times.Its hard to express that without it hurting your spouses feelings though.If they are the type that seem to not ever get enough and the longer it takes the better it is for them every time.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

In other news he seems actually excited about sex tonight. We are suppose to have company, but he called them and said we'd be "busy" until later. So he actually made some time for me, on his own. 

So who knows with him. He sure confuses the heck out of me. 

I'd like to step down and not initiate and wait for him. But i've done it several times in the past. He just won't bring it up. Then like 5 days later when I can't take it anymore and say something, he'll be like. "Well why didn't you just say something. I was waiting for you. I thought you just weren't in the mood." *face palm* As if he doesn't know I'm ready anytime, despite me telling him repeatedly. He's crazy I tell you, but I love him to pieces.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I may be the odd man out.

I work in computers as a Systems Administrator. I've had days where I come to work at 7 and put together a new server rack. Fill it with rack servers, PDUs, KVM, Console, cabling. You get the idea. It can be pretty physically demanding. 2U and 4U servers have a little heft and if you're working alone are fairly awkward to mount on the rails. I've come home at the end of the day feeling like someone hit my lower back with a truck.

But if my wife wanted it, I'd lay there and let her take whatever she wanted. As long as she wasn't too all bothered that I wasn't doing much in return.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd get his testosterone tested just to rule that out.

The fact that he's tired all the time makes me suspicious of low T and yes sadly it can happen to young men.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not so sure he is really tired. I think it's more like he just doesn't want to put to time in to have sex. 

Because when he is "tired" he's awake enough to do other things and stay up a few more hours.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm not so sure he is really tired. I think it's more like he just doesn't want to put to time in to have sex.
> 
> Because when he is "tired" he's awake enough to do other things and stay up a few more hours.


Sorry.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I'm guessing your husband works a typical 9-5 job? Do you as well? Because that makes a huge difference.
Some jobs are really draining and if he comes home tired and sleepy without having a chance to rest then it will definitely feel like a chore.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by *TheCuriousWife*: I'm not so sure he is really tired. I think it's more like he just doesn't want to put to time in to have sex.
> 
> Because when he is "tired" he's awake enough to do other things and stay up a few more hours


 I doubt it's Low T...he just sounds like an insensitive selfish lover ....from his words ...to how he conducts himself in bed..... has he been getting off to Porn most of his life, the quick easy way & it has become an ingrained habit.... is he emotionally distant in other ways as well? 

I sent my husband off to be tested 4 yrs ago...when he couldn't keep up....he was found to be on the lower end of Normal...after 9 tests over 6 months... the Encron even said his levels were normal for a 60 yr old man..that comment bothered me for months....he was only 45. 

A man will be falling asleep shortly after work, have some brain fog, lacking interest in sex/porn...he may get grouchier..a loss of interest in things that he normally is passionate about...other signs would BE there....if Low test..enough for treatment. 



TheCuriousWife said:


> Monday he even made the comment about how it'd be nice for me to "take care of myself" that night. So he could just lay there until I'm done, then stick it in and get his. That's not real sex to me. I need an active partner. This was after a week break too, you'd think he'd be climbing the walls like I was by then.


That is so very very hurtful, I really feel .. as a woman, sexual rejection is harder on us, we are more emotional and born to be these objects of desire to our men.....they our lustful pursuers...he has no idea how he crushing your very spirit....if he doesn't wise up here...and you work this out...he is going to loose you ...

Is there any silent resentment -outside of the bedroom that needs addressed, could have zapped his drive?

How is the attraction- does he still compliment you and show his attraction to you in other ways -outside of the bedroom, has this taken a dive as well? 

Do you know if he masterbated at all during those 7 days.....would be hide/lie about this ? Most healthy men *would be *climbing the walls after a week of no release...

If he is masterbating secretly...and denying his wife...this is just NEVER Ok.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm not so sure he is really tired. I think it's more like he just doesn't want to put to time in to have sex.
> 
> Because when he is "tired" he's awake enough to do other things and stay up a few more hours.


You could be right.I will say though there is a difference in being tired physically and even mentally but still awake and have some energy to do some things but still feel too tired and not energetic enough to have sex.Sex is considered mild to moderate excersize.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him ,but from my experience I can feel fatigued /drained/ have low energy but not sleepy and still able to physically move but physically and mentally "too tired" for sex. 

I have had bouts of depression in the past.My feeling tired physically and mentally was relentless 24/7 but I didn't sleep all day and I performed tasks..Being awake and doing some things did not mean I wasn't tired and had lots of energy for sex. I still performed duties and tried to live up to my responsibilities but it wasn't with real enthusiam /high energy .More like I "had to" get those things done.Not things I looked forward to.Even social events with family was out of obligation .And the last thing I wanted to do was anything that took a lot or even moderate energy unless I had no real choice.

I'm not saying this is the case with him.Just it is possible for him to be fatigued /tired /uninterested in sex and still stay "awake" and do other things for a few hours after he turns down sex.That he may not be making it up or lying .

After all he is calling sex "too much work".Also lets assume hes being honest he also said he doesn't want to have sex with anyone or think about sex.Its not just you .That's why I would be leaning towards more something like depression or burn out or low T etc..


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

> I just don't understand how it being a little bit of work, can outweigh all the fun and benefits.


To add.Because for whatever reason its not fun or beneficial for him right now.Its merely work.

Try and imagine if for whatever reason even if you yourself didn't even know the reason you stopped enjoying sex.It wasn't fun.Then what is left in the experience or the act of sex when you have it?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I doubt it's Low T...he just sounds like an insensitive selfish lover ....from his words ...to how he conducts himself in bed..... has he been getting off to Porn most of his life, the quick easy way & it has become an ingrained habit.... is he emotionally distant in other ways as well?
> 
> I sent my husband off to be tested 4 yrs ago...when he couldn't keep up....he was found to be on the lower end of Normal...after 9 tests over 6 months... the Encron even said his levels were normal for a 60 yr old man..that comment bothered me for months....he was only 45.
> 
> ...


On a man, repeated sexual rejection without an outside partner can result in ED, and lowered testosterone. I know on a woman that esteem and sex drive can be shrunk by these rejections.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Is there any silent resentment -outside of the bedroom that needs addressed, could have zapped his drive?
> 
> How is the attraction- does he still compliment you and show his attraction to you in other ways -outside of the bedroom, has this taken a dive as well?
> 
> ...


Nope, this is not good at all. Communication needs to occur. If the wife wants to have sex and is definately taking care of herself, then the husband can look into cutting down or completely cutting out the porn/strip clubs or whatever and focus his sexual energy on what goes on between him and his wife. They will both feel better.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Maybe I just don't understand because I'm a woman. But is it really that much work to bring a girl to orgasm? :scratchhead:


"_In every job that must be done there is an element of fun. And every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake._"

Seriously though, It doesn't strike me as work.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> has he been getting off to Porn most of his life, the quick easy way & it has become an ingrained habit.... is he emotionally distant in other ways as well?


No he doesn't use porn. I don't believe he masturbates either, like ever. He honestly just doesn't seem as interested in sex as me. It's just not a huge deal to him. 

He's pretty great to me in all other things. We talk, and have fun together. No resentment in anything that I know of. We get along great actually. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a real fight. It's been years. 


About the low T.

Sometimes he does get tired in the evenings and fall asleep. 
He sleeps like a rock. He for sure gets grumpier if he misses some sleep too. 

So who knows. 

Oh, he does work 8 - 5 everyday. My shift is similar.





> That is so very very hurtful, I really feel .. as a woman, sexual rejection is harder on us, we are more emotional and born to be these objects of desire to our men.....they our lustful pursuers...he has no idea how he crushing your very spirit....if he doesn't wise up here...and you work this out...he is going to loose you ...


He said it jokingly. But it did still hurt. He always likes picking on me about anything and everything. He doesn't mean it in a hurtful way or even a serious way. But it does still bother me sometimes. He is just ownry to everyone. It's his personality. So it's hard for me to know what to take seriously and when to know when he is just kidding.

He isn't real mushy or a person who like to compliment a lot, so it's hard to tell if this has changed. I think he's still attracted. I absolutely love his body. I'm always staring and complimenting. Him not so much. But again I'm not sure if it's just him being normal.

He did get a couple blow jobs that week, so I guess he got something. But not as much as normal. 

Sex on Wednesday was short but great. He seemed to enjoy it more than normal. It's changes so quickly, I just don't understand. :scratchhead: Sometimes he likes it, sometimes he's not interested.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Are you sure he's not stressed at work? I know I've been very stressed with work, and our sex life has waned. And I'm set to start traveling for work again, so that will take away from the nights I'm home. 

Of course, I'm a woman. But my husband has been stressed with work and school, and he seems to feel the same..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay, here are a few things. Some of these points have already been made. Please note that I say none of this to hurt, but to inform. Just because it is disagreeable, doesn't mean it's not true.

First off, go eat a hot fudge sundae. Now eat one EVERY DAY. You are not allowed to miss one. Anything you HAVE to do, anything that your spouse is holding over your head like a chore loses a large element of 'fun' and becomes drudgery. Even sex.

Some men prefer to be the initiators. You just saw this! HE decided to take control and he LIKED IT. You say you've tried to wait him out but you couldn't so he doesn't trust you to let him be the initiator. This sucks but it might be true.

Okay, another thing: the Madonna/Wh*re complex. So it's late at night, you are feeling a little amorous and you decide to regale honeypie about some of your trips down the primrose path with others, showing that you are all the slvt that he needs. Some men do not want or need that information. He doesn't want to know all the dirty things you've done with others, particularly if you haven't done them with him yet. He doesn't want to know about that threeway when you were really drunk. Unfortunately, you can't unring that bell, though you can keep your mouth shut in the future and tell him that he is the one she chose as a keeper.

Needless to say, if you mentioned that former thing and are now acting frustrated at his sexual performance, that makes things worse.

Another fix for this is to 'play' the demure little flower. Some guys are really aroused by 'innocence'.

The low sex drive thing is obvious. How about having a nice conversation. A nice PUBLIC conversation where he knows you aren't ambushing him for sex or a fight. Do something he likes a lot outside the home. Ask him how often HE wants sex and ask him if he'd prefer to initiate. GIVE him that power. You might be amazed at where he goes with that.

I wince to type this. How attractive are you? How attractive is he? A lot of young men think they can do better (they are seldom correct) and thus their interest wanes. It is a stage of the immature. They have metaphorically climbed that peak and now they are looking for some other mountain. This sucks and is embarrassing to admit about my gender but that doesn't make it less true. 

Additionally, there might very well be some other woman who has SERIOUSLY caught his fancy (I am not even talking about infidelity here, just a serious mental crush) This can also have a huge effect on his libido.

Sometimes the sex thing comes in spurts (Sorry, couldn't help myself  ) In your twenties, it's a great ride on the roller coaster, but after you've ridden The Big Bad Wolf a dozen times...well...you might want a break from roller coasters for a while. This sucks for you since you seem 'high drive'.

Now...here is a very important question: Is it the SEX you miss or the reassurance that he loves/wants you? They are not separate questions, but if he spent a lot of time being loving, cuddling etc. in lieu of sex would that satisfy your mental bump too? Some women confuse the two. Or is it simply orgasms you miss?

There is a LOT to talk about and unfortunately, at his age bringing up a sex therapist will be seen as an insult and not a solution. HE doesn't see himself as having a problem.

It's like that old joke: What is the definition of a nymphomaniac? A girl who wants sex one time more than you do...

Good luck


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

A couple more days of rejection. The weekend and our days off went by without any intimacy. Finally yesterday we had sex. It was really really good. But it's hard to wait that long, and be rejected several times to get that one good time that lasts less than 30 minutes.

Oh, his job isn't stressful. It's easy, and fun, and he loves it. My job IS super stressful. If anyone should be put off because of work, it would have been me. But sex is a great mental release for me. It puts me in a better mood. I am also going to school. So I've got a double load.



JCD said:


> First off, go eat a hot fudge sundae. Now eat one EVERY DAY. You are not allowed to miss one. Anything you HAVE to do, anything that your spouse is holding over your head like a chore loses a large element of 'fun' and becomes drudgery. Even sex.
> 
> Some men prefer to be the initiators. You just saw this! HE decided to take control and he LIKED IT. You say you've tried to wait him out but you couldn't so he doesn't trust you to let him be the initiator. This sucks but it might be true.


As I've stated before. We aren't having sex daily. We had sex Wednesday. Then we had sex last night. That's 3 days in between without. I hardly think that is too much. He also told me he likes me to be the one who initiates, because he doesn't even seem to think much about sex unless I bring it up. 



> Okay, another thing: the Madonna/Wh*re complex. So it's late at night, you are feeling a little amorous and you decide to regale honeypie about some of your trips down the primrose path with others, showing that you are all the slvt that he needs. Some men do not want or need that information. He doesn't want to know all the dirty things you've done with others, particularly if you haven't done them with him yet. He doesn't want to know about that threeway when you were really drunk. Unfortunately, you can't unring that bell, though you can keep your mouth shut in the future and tell him that he is the one she chose as a keeper.


We were both virgins before each other. So there is no "drunken threeway" I have no idea where your getting this from. Neither of us drink either. Any stories we have of the past, are of each other.



> The low sex drive thing is obvious. How about having a nice conversation. A nice PUBLIC conversation where he knows you aren't ambushing him for sex or a fight. Do something he likes a lot outside the home. Ask him how often HE wants sex and ask him if he'd prefer to initiate. GIVE him that power. You might be amazed at where he goes with that.


I've asked him before. He's says every other day. He says he doesn't care who initiates. But maybe I should ask him again.



> I wince to type this. How attractive are you? How attractive is he? A lot of young men think they can do better (they are seldom correct) and thus their interest wanes. It is a stage of the immature. They have metaphorically climbed that peak and now they are looking for some other mountain. This sucks and is embarrassing to admit about my gender but that doesn't make it less true.
> 
> Additionally, there might very well be some other woman who has SERIOUSLY caught his fancy (I am not even talking about infidelity here, just a serious mental crush) This can also have a huge effect on his libido.


We are both attractive people I think. I'm 5' 7" and 130 pounds. Blonde, blue eyes. I'm not a jaw dropper, but I for sure ain't ugly. He's tall, dark, and handsome. Healthy, fit, and hot. 

No crushes for him. We just had a conversation a couple days ago about how we are lucky we are to be decent looking, and about how if we didn't marry each other, we couldn't think of anyone else we know that we would have been interested in. 



> Now...here is a very important question: Is it the SEX you miss or the reassurance that he loves/wants you? They are not separate questions, but if he spent a lot of time being loving, cuddling etc. in lieu of sex would that satisfy your mental bump too? Some women confuse the two. Or is it simply orgasms you miss?


I miss both. We don't cuddle and spend quality time as much as I like. He isn't a romancer. But I also feel like sex is a reassurance that he finds me attractive, and that he wants me. I need both.



> There is a LOT to talk about and unfortunately, at his age bringing up a sex therapist will be seen as an insult and not a solution. HE doesn't see himself as having a problem.
> 
> It's like that old joke: What is the definition of a nymphomaniac? A girl who wants sex one time more than you do...
> 
> Good luck



Yes. I don't know how to go about improving things without hurting his feelings. It's hard when he doesn't see it as a problem.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You didn't discuss how experienced you were, so I postulated a POSSIBLE problem. You seem enthusiastic and adventurous (did you consider that might be a turn off for him?) so maybe you had a past. Maybe he had a past?

Obviously neither of you do. He was a virgin. Might I ask why? He might have a number of religious hang ups about that. Virgins til your twenties are rare beasts. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes waiting that long has some baggage attached to it.

So...he told you how often he likes it...so don't pressure him counting the days. Observe the women he looks at. When he's alone, note what channels and women he watches if you can.

Get a sense of what he likes. You should initiate every three days....no more, no less.

I'm somewhat like that as well.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> We are in our twenties.


Well, glad to hear that you both are still young. Still have time to adapt and adjust!



> *Sex is NOT everyday. I wish. I'd say its right around 3 times a week. Sometimes 2, rarely 4*.


Lucky couple  My wife and I does it maybe only once a week due to my work schedule. I am too tired to have sex during weekdays (yea, my work requires both physical labor and mental labor).



> He doesn't like it in the morning.


eh, same here. Don't feel so good when I just wake up. (physical problems. Not a teenager anymore  )



> He doesn't view porn. (No internet.)


_we_ viewed porn together back then. But not much these days.



> I'm very easy to orgasm compared to most women here. It takes us 20 minutes from the first look to clean up most days. I can go in just a couple minutes if I think he is really enjoying it.
> 
> I'd prefer longer, but I take what I can get.
> 
> I feel like I actively participate. I kiss and caress and do oral. I make noises and squeeze. I like cowgirl, I LOVE doggy style.


You sounds normal, congratulations! Not many women are as orgasmic. Consider yourself blessed! :smthumbup:



> Monday was the first time we had sex in a week, because of "cranky time." He won't come near me with a 10ft pole then.
> 
> I had to flirt and plead for a while to even get him interested. Then when he agreed he took an extra long shower, took a long time "preening" brushing his teeth, flossing... blah blah. I asked him if he was putting it off because he didn't want to do it, and he said he was just riling me up?


I could understand with the shower thing, I am the same (I want to be clean before having sex). I also understand the flirting, because that's one way to get me in the mood. But I don't understand the 'cranky time' thing.. this worth further investigation..



> When we finally got down to it I was looking forward to some doggy style on the floor, and maybe some oral for him. I asked.
> 
> He said no he was too tired, and we just hurried and got it over with missionary style.
> 
> :scratchhead:


That is strange.. I mean, I am an once-a-week kind of guy, but my once-a-week is usually planned to be a nice evening, not something to be quickly over with. Strange, very strange. 



> I offer to do most of the work, and I offer variety and usually I get shut down, because he is too "tired" and we just do the same old thing.
> 
> What guy turns down their wife who is trying to be more exotic?


Ever try to initiate like this at weekends? If your husband's work is as stressful as mine, maybe he cannot easily get himself in the mood if he has to deal with serious work in the following day. If he is more pliable at weekends, then it's his office giving him the stress, not you.



> I've talked and talked, and I just can't figure it out. He says nothing is wrong, that he likes sex, that it's not a chore.
> 
> The only thing I can figure is low drive, and he wont try anything for that. (I've tried.)


My low drive is, I am always like this all my life, so it's who I am. Did your husband watch porn & read erotic magazines & masturbates when he younger/before he married you? If yes then his drive is normal.



> His job isn't labor intensive. He gets plenty of sleep. He does work out, and he is fit. He's not overweight. No depression. No medicines.


Ah, but sometimes head work (planning, supervising, creative designing etc) is actually very tiring especially if the inspiration isn't there, and/or the level of importance are very high... For example, if I am arranging a meeting with high-rank officials in Friday morning, then I will be stressful from Wednesday onwards... to the point of being too stressful to have sex..

But I get your point, if his job is less stressful, he gets enough sleep and work out, it means he is theoretically healthy enough for having sex more frequently. Have you ever talked with him about what does he feels about his job? Something like "honey do you think you current position is too stressful?"



> Oh there is no way in heck he would have sex without his orgasm. If he didn't get those I don't think he'd have sex at all. Because that seems to be about the only part he truly enjoys.


That is understandable, same here. 

No worries, at least you still have regular sex, I am sure it's workable. Once you two discover the reason why he always seems too tired for sex, then you two could work it out from there. Maybe you and him need to have a vacation? It would be a perfect time to discuss! During vacation there will be no interruption from work, etc. You and him could focus on each other like a couple!


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