# Sexless marriage. Difference bw men and women



## calldormant (Nov 17, 2013)

Is there a difference in the treatment of men who complain about sexless marriage vs women who complain about sexless marriage?

Maybe not as much here, but pretty much everywhere else.

When men complain it is their fault, and that they are nagging too much. And why are they being so needy and demanding.Men also don't talk about the emotional effect it has on their lives and the consequences they live with.

Whereas there is a plethora of well explained effects that a sexless marriage has on women, emotionally and otherwise. And how the man is not putting forth the effort and carrying out his responsibility and is abusing the wife (by neglect) and it is essentially the man's fault.

I don't know, something about this is affecting me. Kind of like it doesn't really matter as a man how I feel and so I should not bother. It's not a matter that I should have my feeling re sexlessness validated but I am much much more likely to just keep my feelings hidden and not talk about anything because they actually would not matter anyway, in marriage or otherwise. Just that I have to get on with things, not that my bitterness goes away. I don't want to be a curmudgeon as I age but rather be truly happy within myself. Truly happy, spiritually and otherwise.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble......

Oh yeh another thing. I really really don't want to say sorry anymore in my relationship. Particularly for the way I feel and my subsequent actions. Ok that was venting.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think one major difference is that leaving a sexless relationship generally is more disadvantageous for the man. Statistically, he is more likely to lose custody of his children and a substantial portion of his property. With less income, he'll be less likely to attract a new mate. A withholding woman, however, knows she can simply pretend to be a sexual being for a few weeks and attract another victim. A woman has ultimate control over birth control decisions, so if she suspects she is about to be abandoned, she can endeavor to get pregnant, with or without the husband's knowledge. 
I think most women would tend to be more understanding with a sexless woman because nearly every one of them has declined sex at one time or another. They can think of hundreds of reasons why a wife might not want sex. As a man, I have a hard time relating to a man who refuses to have sex with his wife. I don't even know what it feels like to not want sex. No matter what is going on in our lives, we can just mentally walk over into our brain's sex room and be ready for sex.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

calldormant said:


> I don't know, something about this is affecting me. Kind of like it doesn't really matter as a man how I feel and so I should not bother. It's not a matter that I should have my feeling re sexlessness validated but I am much much more likely to just keep my feelings hidden and not talk about anything because they actually would not matter anyway, in marriage or otherwise. Just that I have to get on with things, not that my bitterness goes away. I don't want to be a curmudgeon as I age but rather be truly happy within myself. Truly happy, spiritually and otherwise.


Firstly, there seems to be a culturally acceptable view that men are the blundering boobs. Looking at current media, you far more likely to see men portrayed as screw ups and never getting it right. I guess the same with a sexless marriage - either way it's the man's fault or he's too demanding. Now, therewill be lots of people who talk about a wife not puttnig out for various (valid?) reasons, but somehow the guy is supposed to deal with it.

Onto your quote above, I, too have been struggling with this. W and I have sex, but it's the same thing our entire marriage. I crave something more exciting, intimate. And then I catch myself, and I think there are many Hs out there getting nothing, so I should be happy. But that is settling, and I don't want to settle anymore. I never thought, in a million years, I'd become THAT middle age, bitter, cynical guy - that's someone else's life, not mine.

No real advice, but perhaps a little camaraderie.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I think one major difference is that leaving a sexless relationship generally is more disadvantageous for the man. Statistically, he is more likely to lose custody of his children and a substantial portion of his property. With less income, he'll be less likely to attract a new mate. A withholding woman, however, knows she can simply pretend to be a sexual being for a few weeks and attract another victim. A woman has ultimate control over birth control decisions, so if she suspects she is about to be abandoned, she can endeavor to get pregnant, with or without the husband's knowledge.
> I think most women would tend to be more understanding with a sexless woman because nearly every one of them has declined sex at one time or another. They can think of hundreds of reasons why a wife might not want sex. As a man, I have a hard time relating to a man who refuses to have sex with his wife. I don't even know what it feels like to not want sex. No matter what is going on in our lives, we can just mentally walk over into our brain's sex room and be ready for sex.


This post is awesome. Clinical. Clear.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In some cases, it's possible to fix the problem. However, I think it's rare to have any substantial success. Then the only real option is to end the relationship and seek out someone who matches your level of interest. Since you can never be certain that dating sexual behavior will last years into a marriage, perhaps don't get married again and either date casually or move on when a relationship loses the sexual lustre (and if you're very lucky and/or very good, it may persist).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I used to be staunch believer in the institution but, having been institutionalized over 30 years, I see no clear advantage that marriage provides a man. It is a mechanism to extract security from a male with little, if any, performance expected from the female. If a man values regular sex, he'd generally be better served by remaining single. 
I realize there are wonderful wives out there who will swiftly dispute my opinion. My opinion is based on the whole and not on the experiences of the handful of remaining committed wives.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I used to be staunch believer in the institution but, having been institutionalized over 30 years, I see no clear advantage that marriage provides a man. It is a mechanism to extract security from a male with little, if any, performance expected from the female. If a man values regular sex, he'd generally be better served by remaining single.
> I realize there are wonderful wives out there who will swiftly dispute my opinion. My opinion is based on the whole and not on the experiences of the handful of remaining committed wives.


Are sexless marriages really as prevalent as TAM would have us believe? Admittedly its never really been an issue in my relationship, but I kind of always assumed that sexless spouses were a vocal minority. Maybe couples who have sex regularly should do more to let people know that sex doesn't end after marriage.

But then again I guess it depends on your definition of sexless.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Under normal circumstances I would say that allowing personal experience to cloud judgement on an issue is not always a good thing. But in this instance I have to overule myself.

I use to watch sitcoms with married couples. Constant jokes being made at the mans expense where he is denied sex. I thought to myself, "ya right, if that ever happens to me she wouldn't even here the word divorce, she'd just get the papers". 

Now here I am. Stuck in this world.

I have to admit, kids are a libido killer but it's too easy to attribute motherhood to this "condition". I now believe that it is attraction based. If the wife is just not that in to you anymore you won't get it anymore. No amount of 180-ing, book reading, bench pressing or dieiting will change anything. When a womans switch is flipped off for you it's over. Either she comes out of it on her own or prepare to live the rest of your marriage without consistent intimacy.

I am there. I understand. It sucks but with each passing day I make peace with it.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sexless marriage. Difference bw men and women*



sinnister said:


> I have to admit, kids are a libido killer but it's too easy to attribute motherhood to this "condition". I now believe that it is attraction based. If the wife is just not that in to you anymore you won't get it anymore. No amount of 180-ing, book reading, bench pressing or dieiting will change anything. When a womans switch is flipped off for you it's over. Either she comes out of it on her own or prepare to live the rest of your marriage without consistent intimacy.


I was just thinking about something similar last night. the night before she was really in the mood, and we had the most intense session we've had in ages. I hoped for a bit of a repeat last night and got shot down solidly- "I'm too tired" (at 10pm, when she didn't get OUT of bed until 11am that morning)

I wonder if it's boredom.... it's not my physical looks.... I know I could get some strange several days a week if I chose that route. it's not that I'm a do-nothing.... I'm fact, the ONLY thing I can figure out is that she is bored with me.


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## calldormant (Nov 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I used to be staunch believer in the institution but, having been institutionalized over 30 years, I see no clear advantage that marriage provides a man. It is a mechanism to extract security from a male with little, if any, performance expected from the female. If a man values regular sex, he'd generally be better served by remaining single.
> I realize there are wonderful wives out there who will swiftly dispute my opinion. My opinion is based on the whole and not on the experiences of the handful of remaining committed wives.


Maybe for most couples when this becomes an issue, they just don't make it an issue. It's only when it is talked about online that there tends to be more advice and mature views about it and people can see that yes, it is a big issue. Otherwise, it must be considered the norm. I mean if you asked the average married dude on the street about sexlessness I don't think there would be much of an opinion.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

soulsearch said:


> I was just thinking about something similar last night. the night before she was really in the mood, and we had the most intense session we've had in ages. I hoped for a bit of a repeat last night and got shot down solidly- "I'm too tired" (at 10pm, when she didn't get OUT of bed until 11am that morning)
> 
> I wonder if it's boredom.... it's not my physical looks.... I know I could get some strange several days a week if I chose that route. it's not that I'm a do-nothing.... I'm fact, the ONLY thing I can figure out is that she is bored with me.


That's what I think my problem is. Lot's of people will say it's tiredness, or stress, or being resentful for something you've done. Those are all excuses. The bottom line is that if you're married and your wife no longer entertains your advances at intimacy she doesn't want you anymore. It's harsh, and I've shed real tears over that realisation. But really truly believe there is no going back.

Your case seems different though to be honest. If a woman is going to be with you hot and heavy a couple of days ago I can pretty much guarantee she's still in to you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If someone asked me face to face, I'd tell them everything was awesome. It's embarrassing. Y'all don't know me from Adam's cat. I can be honest here.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sexless marriage. Difference bw men and women*



unbelievable said:


> If someone asked me face to face, I'd tell them everything was awesome. It's embarrassing. Y'all don't know me from Adam's cat. I can be honest here.


yep. as far as all friends and family are concerned, we have a perfect marriage. we really do have a good one, with the exception of sexual mis match.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Same here fella's. I don't let on to anybody about this except here.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Men need sex as a physical and mental release and its healthy for us. We are made this way and to deny us men sex, for whatever reason, ladies, is actually unhealthy for us. Having sex only 3x every week, is enough to reduce the chances of heart issues / attacks by up to 50% and we live longer and healthier lives, plus it raises our testosterone enough to be noticeable having sex 3x every week.

For the ladies, they don't need sex like us men do but its the bonding and closeness, needing the feeling to be loved, romance, and some ladies do have high sex drives like us men.

In the end, if ladies take care of our sexual needs and we take care of their needs, no side should be denying the other and everyone feels loved, in their male and female ways. But to deny men sex is death to the relationship / marriage.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

sex only 3x a week! I guess that's better than the 1-2 times that happens now, and I know there are guys out there in worse shape than that, but damn... I don't understand what's wrong with daily or a bit more. I mean, if both parties are getting off, why not?
*tears hair in frustration*
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE FEMALE MIND!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I once heard someone say that for the first year of marriage, you put a penny in the jar every time the new couple has sex. 
Then after that first year, you take a penny out every time they have sex. 
And you will never run out of pennies. 

Is that true? Roughly, or whatever?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I once heard someone say that for the first year of marriage, you put a penny in the jar every time the new couple has sex.
> Then after that first year, you take a penny out every time they have sex.
> And you will never run out of pennies.
> 
> Is that true? Roughly, or whatever?


Probably not true for me. The well went dry pretty quickly after marriage. She was a nightmare in the first year and we were lucky to have sex once a week. There was always something wrong ... always an excuse. It never got better. Been nearly celibate for 6 or 7 years now.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I now believe that it is attraction based. If the wife is just not that in to you anymore you won't get it anymore. No amount of 180-ing, book reading, bench pressing or dieiting will change anything. When a womans switch is flipped off for you it's over. Either she comes out of it on her own or prepare to live the rest of your marriage without consistent intimacy.


Agree entirely. I have 180'd, read the books, have been lifting five times a week for two years now and am pretty buff, and am eating healthily, etc. After 33 years together, the cold realization of this fact was pretty brutal for me (because I didn't feel the same way, was still in love, in all aspects) -- but one must face the hard reality and cut through the fog of sentimentalism and memory to the immediate present and on into the future, and what one hopes to get out of this whole adventure before some stranger begins the work of cutting your name into a slab of marble.

And I might add that my own realization that it is now over in my heart as well.......really pretty sad. Two hearts snuffed out after 33 years, three kids, world travels, the whole nine yards. All because she decided she just didn't want it anymore and has refused to budge.....for six years (and obviously, in hindsight, this feeling had arrived within her two or three years before that endgame moment).


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> sex only 3x a week! I guess that's better than the 1-2 times that happens now, and I know there are guys out there in worse shape than that, but damn... I don't understand what's wrong with daily or a bit more. I mean, if both parties are getting off, why not?
> *tears hair in frustration*
> I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE FEMALE MIND!


I can't speak for all men but I have zero desire to do it seven days a week. I'm certainly capable of it but in all honesty at some point you need to look at quantity over quality. 3-4 times a week is plenty if you ask me. I want at least some build up/anticipation. If we did it everyday this would be missing.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I can't speak for all men but I have zero desire to do it seven days a week. I'm certainly capable of it but in all honesty at some point you need to look at quantity over quality. 3-4 times a week is plenty if you ask me. I want at least some build up/anticipation. If we did it everyday this would be missing.


Same. If I could do 3-4 times a week she would want for nothing. My resentment and...f it I'll say it....hatred would evaporate. I would be the model husband and father again. The short temper and grumpyness would be a thing of the past. Every household man chore list item would be fulfilled.

But that is not my life. For whatever reason God wants me to go through what I'm going through. So I'll swallow it...for now.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

sinnister, a word of advice if you don't mind. I know it's very hard, but try not to let the grumpyness and simmering anger come out around the kids. I didn't know how badly I was emitting those vibes, over 7-8 years, until about a year ago I saw twitter posts from my daughter and my son saying what an ******* I was around the house and how they didn't like me much. Talking about a near-heart-attack moment. That crushed me. I never said a word to them about seeing these tweets, but I immediately got my **** together around the house and made sure to drop the negative vibes. Since then, my kids have become much closer to me again and I even got a FB msg from my son about how thankful he was to have me as his father. Whew.

Anyway, I wanted to share that. Make absolutely sure to let those kids see the best of their dad every moment. Don't make my mistake!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Un,
An emotionally strong man doesn't tolerate 'little if any performance' from the female. Full stop. 



unbelievable said:


> I used to be staunch believer in the institution but, having been institutionalized over 30 years, I see no clear advantage that marriage provides a man. It is a mechanism to extract security from a male with little, if any, performance expected from the female. If a man values regular sex, he'd generally be better served by remaining single.
> I realize there are wonderful wives out there who will swiftly dispute my opinion. My opinion is based on the whole and not on the experiences of the handful of remaining committed wives.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Pink,
You don't have to divorce. You could simply have the conversation that I did. It was calm (well I was calm - she went somewhat crazy) and short. And extraordinarily effective. 

I told her: 
I am committed to you and our marriage. And part of that is:
- I don't want you to do anything you do not want to do. 
- And I know that you don't expect me to be celibate as that is a non-starter for me. 

I will find a massage place where I can get a great full body massage with a happy ending a couple/three times a week. No risk to the marriage as I am happy to rotate masseuses. There won't be any emotional connection, just a purely physical experience. 

-------
Now I didn't say this to her, because I didn't have to but: Any partner (be it a man or a woman) who simultaneously refuses sex and demands open ended monogamy is a controlling prick/bltch who doesn't care about you. Full stop. 

Further, she knew I was dead serious. I was planning to proceed down that path quickly and then if she wanted to file, I would have immediately agreed to an 'uncontested' divorce. 

Forsaking all others is equal parts commitment and responsibility. The responsibility part seems to have been conveniently 'lost in the shuffle'. 

'Indifference to your spouses happiness' is not protected by:
- in sickness or 
- bad times

With all that said, the HD partners need to be sure they are 'good' partners. I believe I am and that's why I was completely comfortable with whatever path she chose to take. I just wouldn't be single all that long. 

QUOTE=PinkSalmon13;5777818]Agree entirely. I have 180'd, read the books, have been lifting five times a week for two years now and am pretty buff, and am eating healthily, etc. After 33 years together, the cold realization of this fact was pretty brutal for me (because I didn't feel the same way, was still in love, in all aspects) -- but one must face the hard reality and cut through the fog of sentimentalism and memory to the immediate present and on into the future, and what one hopes to get out of this whole adventure before some stranger begins the work of cutting your name into a slab of marble.

And I might add that my own realization that it is now over in my heart as well.......really pretty sad. Two hearts snuffed out after 33 years, three kids, world travels, the whole nine yards. All because she decided she just didn't want it anymore and has refused to budge.....for six years (and obviously, in hindsight, this feeling had arrived within her two or three years before that endgame moment).[/QUOTE]


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sexless marriage. Difference bw men and women*



FrenchFry said:


> Biggest reason for me: there is no possible way the quality remains good enough 7 days out of the week to make it worth it. If I wanted a quick get it out of the way orgasm, I have BOB. I don't want a BOB experience with my husband 90% of the time (quickies are ok 10%) of the time, I want the full enchilada and I'd rather have time and space to do it right than get it out of the way because ORGASMS!!
> 
> That's just me though. Other women may vary.


thanks. maybe it's just the place I'm in- 7 days a week for a while might be needed to get into a better framework, THEN dropping down to 4 might be ok. maybe, lol.

I dunno.... sex has never been boring to me. the idea of getting tired of her sexually just does not compute. not when she was 115 lbs, and not when she weighed 200. certainly not now that our kids are older, we've both gotten back in good physical shape, but are young enough to tear it up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> *I can't speak for all men but I have zero desire to do it seven days a week. I'm certainly capable of it but in all honesty at some point you need to look at quantity over quality. 3-4 times a week is plenty if you ask me. I want at least some build up/anticipation. If we did it everyday this would be missing*.


Yet.....some of us have a "*dependent*" libido... (explained below)....In the past, I didn't think about it or NEED it so much....but something changed... today.... I would love every single day...just getting in the mood is so Enjoyable...even if we aren't feeling anything at the start...

Thought I'd add this break down of Libido types to this discussion.... as this can explain why some want MORE over quality or what we personally "get" out of sex... like the Sensual lover - it's about the Emotional connection (this is my husband)....

Me & him..we just went 4 days without....I started getting really grouchy on day 3 & picked a FIGHT.... we had many things going on... Electricians here at 7am on his days off.. Messed us up....he was tired at night... I was irritated.. (just like a guy) .. I am happy I am not a man.... I know I would be too demanding. 

I have a Dependent Libido (some Erotic & Sensual mixed in).....He is a Sensual / Reactive...he is a Pleaser...my pleasure turns him ON....this gives HIM satisfaction.. I know these things are a blessing for me...he is always willing...and wants to get there too.. 

But how True it is...when you wait a little while and let it build up.. MY OH MY OH MY... I wish it felt like THAT every day!... pleasure was OVER the MOON..wanted it to go on forever.. too good to contain..... yet still I didn't handle it well ...waiting that darn long. 

Taken from this book* >> *







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

lol....can I be most of those?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

soulsearch said:


> *lol....can I be most of those?*


Well you surely don't have "*Disinterested*" -saying you don't understand the female mind & what is wrong with daily or more... you are not *Detached* or you wouldn't be using that avatar to express how you feel over these things...You care a great deal.....if you was *Addictive*, you might have stepped out on your wife...or if you felt *Entitled* ...you'd probably be brow beating her... and I'd imagine you are not* Stressed *either...so you could exclude those 5 anyway....

But yeah....we could be a variety of those... I think it would be wholly tormenting to be married to any who are primarily of the ones mentioned above though.... 

I bought that book when my drive was higher over my husband (much higher)...and It helped me understand our differences... it was like a Light bulb went on ... it helped me see .... what I had to work with.. was very reasonable... a sheer blessing even -as he could have been some of those above!... and that would have thrown ME over the edge....

And to stop fretting about it...as I was taking his lack of being as Erotic as myself ... a little too personal.. I also learned us Erotics can be hard to please at times... So it was my issue, and I had to reign myself in.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Not always, but certainly often enough, the fall into sexlessness is accompanied by the disentegration of open, loving communication, and all other forms of intimacy. If one spouse tells the other 'unh-unh, that part of our marriage is over', it is extremely difficult to simply carry on. Everything changes. The sexless-ee is left to battle mental and emotional demons, usually alone - like Siddartha Gautama - that can destroy one's sense of self, sense of purpose, and sense of belonging. Going sexless, as a unilateral decision by one of the partners, man or woman, is incredibly destructive. 

In short, I don't think you can isolate sexlessness as an issue, for it is so often accompanied by the eventual destruction of pretty much everything.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Pink,
Sincerity is a beautiful and powerful emotion. I truly, madly, deeply love my wife. Always have. And we have never been 'sexless'. The conversation I described in an earlier post was prompted by my W stating a desire to end our sexual relationship.
She did so - out of the blue. When I suggested my ummm... work around - she sexually saturated me for weeks and then returned to our normal routine which is around twice a week.

I knew in my heart I wasn't going to: 
- Divorce her due to a lack of sex or 
- Allow a situation where I was pressuring her, or behaving in an unloving manner because I was chronically tense and frustrated

But I absolutely was agreeable to:
- Granting her a painless Divorce if her conditions for remaining married included MY forced celibacy or
- Getting my physical needs met without being dishonest about it but also without pushing it in her face. I was glad to be discrete about the 'particulars', while being honest about the fact that I was taking care of getting MY own needs met elsewhere. 

--------
This truly was the kindest option I was able to come up with. My W can be a rather fickle little pickle and so an affair wouldn't be fair to the 'other woman'. I knew there was a good chance that my wife might suddenly have a change of heart and couldn't wrap my head around the idea of having to suddenly dump someone due to events they had zero control over. 

And I really felt that divorcing my W over this was too extreme given all the other good stuff we have. Of course it turned out to be much ado about nothing since my W seemed to find the notion of another woman's hands on my errrr.... Equipment - to be simultaneously infuriating and stimulating. 

If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes I wouldn't believe that the human face could simultaneously convey intense arousal, and more than a hint of malice. But I did see it, repeatedly, for weeks after our little 'chat'. A couple times while straddling me she nonchalantly asked me:
'Do you know where our 'cutco' carving knife is, you know the REALLY sharp one you use for the Turkey'?





PinkSalmon13 said:


> Not always, but certainly often enough, the fall into sexlessness is accompanied by the disentegration of open, loving communication, and all other forms of intimacy. If one spouse tells the other 'unh-unh, that part of our marriage is over', it is extremely difficult to simply carry on. Everything changes. The sexless-ee is left to battle mental and emotional demons, usually alone - like Siddartha Gautama - that can destroy one's sense of self, sense of purpose, and sense of belonging. Going sexless, as a unilateral decision by one of the partners, man or woman, is incredibly destructive.
> 
> In short, I don't think you can isolate sexlessness as an issue, for it is so often accompanied by the eventual destruction of pretty much everything.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

As to the original post, I think HD men in sexless marriages are "to be expected" and therefore there are more resources and suggestions given to them (not that any will necessarily work, but there are more given). When HD women are in sexless marriages, the wife always gets the "he might be gay" thing thrown out there first... I don't see this one thrown at the man first. Then next comes "what are you doing to keep him turned on/stay sexy for him"...that one isn't always asked of men either.

So I definitely do see a difference in the way HD wives and HD husbands in sexless marriages are treated.

I think there are far more HD wives in sexless marriages (or just very sexually unhappy wives) than people would guess. As more information is available over time, I think it will be shown that sexless marriages are probably split 50/50 in which gender the higher drive partner is. Right now it only looks like it is more HD men than women, but that disparity will clear itself up over time.

I also think a lot of sexless marriages have two people who are HD, but one of them just isn't sexually attracted to the other anymore so it appears they are LD.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I think the sexless marriage after children is a biological phenomenon. 

Men are biologically programmed to find the attributes of the fertile female body attractive and have a strong desire to impregnate that female. Likewise females are biologically programmed to choose a provider that they can be impregnated by to have children.

There is a honeymoon phase where the man gets loads of sex while the female is attempting to get pregnant.

Once a woman has succeeded in her biological imperative sex becomes superfluous and unless the female particularly enjoys sex she no longer sees a need for it.

Suddenly the man is no longer having sex while providing for his mates offspring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> As more information is available over time, I think it will be shown that sexless marriages are probably split 50/50 in which gender the higher drive partner is. Right now it only looks like it is more HD men than women, but that disparity will clear itself up over time.


There is a lot of literature in the behavioral sciences on that subject already. I don't think we are at 50/50 yet, but we certainly seem to be headed in that direction. And nobody seems to understand why at this point.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> sinnister, a word of advice if you don't mind. I know it's very hard, but try not to let the grumpyness and simmering anger come out around the kids. I didn't know how badly I was emitting those vibes, over 7-8 years, until about a year ago I saw twitter posts from my daughter and my son saying what an ******* I was around the house and how they didn't like me much. Talking about a near-heart-attack moment. That crushed me. I never said a word to them about seeing these tweets, but I immediately got my **** together around the house and made sure to drop the negative vibes. Since then, my kids have become much closer to me again and I even got a FB msg from my son about how thankful he was to have me as his father. Whew.
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to share that. Make absolutely sure to let those kids see the best of their dad every moment. Don't make my mistake!


I appreciate you sharing that with me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've let this situation poison my normal jovial personality. I'm no longer any fun to be around. I spend my days brooding. It's no way for a child to see their father.

I will make a better effort to not let this situation kill their childhood.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

sinnister, sounds like we are in the very same boat. I don't seem to be as 'strong' as some of the dudes around here. I am having a very, very hard time right now. There are times I'm sure I'm about to have a heart attack or a stroke. I never knew some of these emotions/torments existed. It's easy for some to say, 'Grow some balls and leave!', but every situation is different and complex, esp when kids are in the mix. Never in a million years did I think I'd find myself mentally and emotionally where I am now. And I've been battling hard for 8 years after being read a littany of everything she didn't like about me, and then the kicker 6 years ago where after our 'last time' I told her how great it was to enjoy each other in that way and I wish we could do it more often again.......with the response being I needed to find a prostitute if I wanted a sex life. Phuck, man, I can't even talk to anyone about this because I have never found anyone, not even on forums, who has had to hear that.

There seems to be an element of 'Stockholm Syndrome' in all of this. I wish I could be more resolute in the actions I clearly need to take, but it's hard when she seems perfectly content with the way things are. She has the life she wants.........isn't that what we strive for, as husbands? I know what I'm missing.....the ability to consider myself above all others in this matter......but I don't seem to be wired that way and it's phucking me up.

Hey, can you row this boat for awhile, my arms are tired!!:smthumbup:


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I appreciate you sharing that with me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've let this situation poison my normal jovial personality. I'm no longer any fun to be around. I spend my days brooding. It's no way for a child to see their father.
> 
> I will make a better effort to not let this situation kill their childhood.


Wow. Just....wow. Did I say "wow"? That's so me. My 14 y/o said the other day "Well if you wouldn't act like such a jerk all the time...". Now, she has no business talking to me that way and she won't be doing it again anytime soon, but it really made me think.

You guys hit the nail right on the head. I need to get my **** together too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Un,
> An emotionally strong man doesn't tolerate 'little if any performance' from the female. Full stop.


I suppose emotionally strong men commit financial suicide and roll the dice on the odds that they will find a woman who will perform but won't cheat, won't overspend, won't cook meth, won't put rat poison in the chow, won't abuse the kids, won't lose her marbles, etc. Might as well find a brand of lunacy or treachery that you can live with.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

At age 32, there's no reason that I can think of for a man to not want sex, unless there's a medical issue (and you do say he's drinking more). My drive is still pretty high, and I'm almost 15 years older than him. I can't understand why anyone would rather spend time gaming, etc., than having sex with their spouse/SO.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> sinnister, sounds like we are in the very same boat. I don't seem to be as 'strong' as some of the dudes around here. I am having a very, very hard time right now. There are times I'm sure I'm about to have a heart attack or a stroke. I never knew some of these emotions/torments existed. It's easy for some to say, 'Grow some balls and leave!', but every situation is different and complex, esp when kids are in the mix. Never in a million years did I think I'd find myself mentally and emotionally where I am now. And I've been battling hard for 8 years after being read a littany of everything she didn't like about me, and then the kicker 6 years ago where after our 'last time' I told her how great it was to enjoy each other in that way and I wish we could do it more often again.......with the response being I needed to find a prostitute if I wanted a sex life. Phuck, man, I can't even talk to anyone about this because I have never found anyone, not even on forums, who has had to hear that.
> 
> There seems to be an element of 'Stockholm Syndrome' in all of this. I wish I could be more resolute in the actions I clearly need to take, but it's hard when she seems perfectly content with the way things are. She has the life she wants.........isn't that what we strive for, as husbands? I know what I'm missing.....the ability to consider myself above all others in this matter......but I don't seem to be wired that way and it's phucking me up.
> 
> Hey, can you row this boat for awhile, my arms are tired!!:smthumbup:


Leaving and getting your life back is not such a bad ideal. If you are still being Stockholmed, and her ideal has you hen pecked and cuckholded ( as if you deserve that ), it's going to be hard to change what she see's as normal for her.

Getting your life back feels so good. The only downside is realizing how much you were dragging yourself down, thinking about the rediculous thoughts you have to ponder from being in a messed up situation.

I wish you the best.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Leaving and getting your life back is not such a bad ideal. If you are still being Stockholmed, and her ideal has you hen pecked and cuckholded ( as if you deserve that ), it's going to be hard to change what she see's as normal for her.
> 
> Getting your life back feels so good. The only downside is realizing how much you were dragging yourself down, thinking about the rediculous thoughts you have to ponder from being in a messed up situation.
> 
> ...


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

maggie3 said:


> okay, men, so what are the reasons a man wouldn't want sex? i get lots of excuses from my husband. he's 32 and said once that if he never had to have sex again he'd be fine with it. he hates hearing about it. we used to do it all the time. in the beginning of our marriage over 10 years ago, anyway. it's odd to me that those early years were the worst for us, too. we fought all the time and hated each other. but the sex was great...now that we're friendly, the sex is pretty much over. it's the oddest thing. he's developed a gaming addiction/drinking problem, too. he drinks to avoid me. he's been like this for four years. i tried to talk with him about our marriage and emailed him some suggestions from a really great marriage site i found. i am taking this very seriously. he replied with the lyrics to whoomp, there it is. :scratchhead::scratchhead:


Could he be having an affair?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jdd said:


> Could he be having an affair?


From being around these parts. I had estimated 50% of the LD's are having an affair. Thus the need does not need to be met.

In this situation wife provides stability and moral and emotional support, and the lovers provide the fun.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

treyvion said:


> From being around these parts. I had estimated 50% of the LD's are having an affair. Thus the need does not need to be met.
> 
> In this situation wife provides stability and moral and emotional support, and the lovers provide the fun.


C'mon Tre. 50% of LD spouses having an affair? I ain't buying that. 

I will however agree that most LD spouses no longer attracted to their spouses, and instead of being honest with themselves and their spouses. They come up with "reasons" why sex doesn't happen anymore.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

maggie3 said:


> she lives rather far away for it to be too physical. he and i aren't really close emotionally, so it's possible something was going on. he tends to share his problems about me with girls online. i've seen it before. he just doesn't like to talk to me, and he doesn't like me to bring up my troubles, either. he may not be attracted to me anymore, who knows. i'm attractive, but maybe i'm too ugly on the inside, hehe. he told me i am mean all the time when i asked for the password... and that i was bipolar. *hell, maybe i am*. the facts are facts, though. credit card statements and emails don't lie, so i know i'm not completely bonkers.


Sounds like he is gas lighting you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> C'mon Tre. 50% of LD spouses having an affair? I ain't buying that.
> 
> I will however agree that most LD spouses no longer attracted to their spouses, and instead of being honest with themselves and their spouses. They come up with "reasons" why sex doesn't happen anymore.



When men get into serious affairs they do not have sex with their wives. Women do the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

maggie3 said:


> hmm. does this go in the infidelity forum now? or am i over reacting? hehe.


Yes. Sorry to say but he's getting it elsewhere. Any 32 year old man that is totally disinterested in sex is weird, so I don't buy for a second that he just doesn't care about it.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sexless marriage. Difference bw men and women*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Well you surely don't have "*Disinterested*" -saying you don't understand the female mind & what is wrong with daily or more... you are not *Detached* or you wouldn't be using that avatar to express how you feel over these things...You care a great deal.....if you was *Addictive*, you might have stepped out on your wife...or if you felt *Entitled* ...you'd probably be brow beating her... and I'd imagine you are not* Stressed *either...so you could exclude those 5 anyway....
> 
> But yeah....we could be a variety of those... I think it would be wholly tormenting to be married to any who are primarily of the ones mentioned above though....
> 
> ...


lol! are you in my insurance PPO? I'd like to book an appointment!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

sinnister said:


> Same. If I could do 3-4 times a week she would want for nothing. My resentment and...f it I'll say it....hatred would evaporate. I would be the model husband and father again. The short temper and grumpyness would be a thing of the past. Every household man chore list item would be fulfilled.
> 
> But that is not my life. For whatever reason God wants me to go through what I'm going through. So I'll swallow it...for now.


Maybe I missed it, but have you asked her what is really going on? What is the underlying reason or reasons she isn't interested anymore? Would you do anything with those answers if you had them?

I know some women won't give honest answers, but some do.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

maggie3 said:


> ...do men just stop trying?


It ain't just men. My wife threw me under the bus after we had children.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

To the OP's point, the disparate treatment of men vs women in this situation could be a couple of things. I agree with the earlier post that basically cites the fact that men are portrayed as doofus's in most media these days. That gets into the zeitgeist, like it or not.

That being said, I also think that behind many stereotypes is often a kernel of truth. I think men often don't put the same thought into maintaining the emotional connection in their marriage, and that often impacts their wife's desire. THEY still have the emotions, but perhaps they're not as demonstrative of those emotions. This feeds into the stereotype that men just hang out in the garage and ignore their wives, are clueless about their families, etc.

Meanwhile, I think women in this situation are probably hesitant to come forward because society looks at it from the viewpoint that any woman should be able to get some any time she wants, and if she can't, she must be broken somehow. You then have a situation where since fewer women are willing to acknowledge being in this situation, it feeds the perception that this is a problem mainly for men. 

End result: society believes it's just men that don't get any, and it's probably their own fault.


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