# Heart broken



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Hi, I just registered on here because I want to hear how other people have gotten over a 22 year marriage after finding out the man I love had a full on affair for the last 5 months.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry you are here for that reason but you can get full spectrum advice here.

Coping with infidelity is probably the place to start.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's a horrible and painful thing to happen. My husband and I both had divorces due to our spouses behaviour after well over 20 years and it does take a lot of time and healing but there is eventually life after divorce and betrayal. 
It's such early days for you yet though. What have you done since you found out? Has the affair stopped?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's a horrible and painful thing to happen. My husband and I both had divorces due to our spouses behaviour after well over 20 years and it does take a lot of time and healing but there is eventually life after divorce and betrayal.
> It's such early days for you yet though. What have you done since you found out? Has the affair stopped?


Yes the affair has stopped. His first wife cheated and my first husband cheated and we always said we would never to that to one another. I’m in shock and disbelief, my husband had a minor heart attack on the 9th December last year, he’s not been close with me at all. On Easter Sunday I received a message from a random person telling me was having an affair with the receptionist where he works, I confronted him and he totally denied it, 6 hours later he told me it was true😢 my whole life broke there and then. I put his non sexual contact Down to all the pills he was taking due to heart attack as we discussed it in detail. Cannot believe this has happened, I ended up in hospital Wednesday and yesterday because I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop, devastated doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes the affair has stopped. His first wife cheated and my first husband cheated and we always said we would never to that to one another. I’m in shock and disbelief, my husband had a minor heart attack on the 9th December last year, he’s not been close with me at all. On Easter Sunday I received a message from a random person telling me was having an affair with the receptionist where he works, I confronted him and he totally denied it, 6 hours later he told me it was true😢 my whole life broke there and then. I put his non sexual contact Down to all the pills he was taking due to heart attack as we discussed it in detail. Cannot believe this has happened, I ended up in hospital Wednesday and yesterday because I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop, devastated doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling


Yes it's just awful. I feel for you. What has he said? Does he want to stay with you? Do you want that? The first thing he must do is look for work elsewhere.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it's just awful. I feel for you. What has he said? Does he want to stay with you? Do you want that? The first thing he must do is look for work elsewhere.


Yes he wants to come home, he said he’s made a massive mistake, I don’t really know what I want, I miss him so bad, for me, I have only given myself to 2 people in my life, the sexual deceit is killing me, the other woman is chasing him. My husband doesn’t seem to be in the right mental health state. I don’t know how to get over this. People say focus on you etc, but I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t concentrate on anything.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I completely understand. It’s absolutely crushing. The pain is excruciating, worse than any physical pain I’ve experienced. You have come to the right place. Many people here know exactly what you are going through.
What do you want to do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes he wants to come home, he said he’s made a massive mistake, I don’t really know what I want, I miss him so bad, for me, I have only given myself to 2 people in my life, the sexual deceit is killing me, the other woman is chasing him. My husband doesn’t seem to be in the right mental health state. I don’t know how to get over this. People say focus on you etc, but I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t concentrate on anything.


It's very soon so you will need time and space to decide what you want. It may help if you had some time apart. This would firstly show him how very serious this is and secondly give you time and space to think and decide what you want to do going forward. Maybe 2 or 3 months say?
What isn't in his favour is the fact that he didn't stop it himself or confess himself. He is only acting sorry now because someone else told you. He is sorry he got caught. If you hadn't found out it would still be going on. Oh and it's wasn't a mistake, it was a decision he made over and over again to cheat and risk destroying his marriage. 

Only you will know if the trust has gone and if you can ever get that back.

How does he know if the OW is chasing him if he has no contact? Has he started applying for another job?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I completely understand. It’s absolutely crushing. The pain is excruciating, worse than any physical pain I’ve experienced. You have come to the right place. Many people here know exactly what you are going through.
> What do you want to do?


Never been asked that before, I have always looked after my four boys, now adults and what ever I wanted to do never came into any conversation. I dunno know really, I want my life with him but I think it would be too difficult to have him back as it would eat me up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Never been asked that before, I have always looked after my four boys, now adults and what ever I wanted to do never came into any conversation. I dunno know really, I want my life with him but I think it would be too difficult to have him back as it would eat me up.


Having already been cheated on before by your first husband no one could blame you for ending this marriage. Some do stay but it's a very very hard long road to walk, others know the trust has been destroyed and without trust what is there? 
Have you told anyone? Friends or family?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Blonde1971 said:


> Never been asked that before, I have always looked after my four boys, now adults and what ever I wanted to do never came into any conversation. I dunno know really, I want my life with him but I think it would be too difficult to have him back as it would eat me up.


I’m 3 years out from finding out about my STBXH affair.
I stayed with him for another 2 and a half years.
I should have bounced him on day one. 
Fear kept me in the marriage. My trust and love was destroyed.
What does your husband say about the affair?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Having already been cheated on before by your first husband no one could blame you for ending this marriage. Some do stay but it's a very very hard long road to walk, others know the trust has been destroyed and without trust what is there?
> Have you told anyone? Friends or family?


Yes, my 4 sons know and all friends. Obviously me taking tablets to ease my pain took me into hospital, my heart was effected by what I took.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes, my 4 sons know and all friends. Obviously me taking tablets to ease my pain took me into hospital, my heart was effected by what I took.


What did you take? Best to see a doctor about getting help.
What do your sons think? Are they from your first marriage?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes, my 4 sons know and all friends. Obviously me taking tablets to ease my pain took me into hospital, my heart was effected by what I took.


I honestly cannot imagine life without him


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What did you take? Best to see a doctor about getting help.


Already have, took blood pressure tablets mixed with other tablets I had in the house.


Diana7 said:


> What did you take? Best to see a doctor about getting help.
> What do your sons think? Are they from your first marriage?


3 from first marriage, youngest (21) from this marriage. I think they think I should carry on by myself. Obviously I have scared them for life now, I can’t repair that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I honestly cannot imagine life without him


No nor could I when my marriage suddenly ended after 23 years. It's hard, very hard. You will survive though either way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Already have, took blood pressure tablets mixed with other tablets I had in the house.
> 
> 3 from first marriage, youngest (21) from this marriage. I think they think I should carry on by myself. Obviously I have scared them for life now, I can’t repair that.


How have you scared them for life? You didn't do anything wrong.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> No nor could I when my marriage suddenly ended after 23 years. It's hard, very hard. You will survive though either way.


How?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> How?


How old are you? I’m 50


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971, I am so sorry that you are here, but I am glad that you chose this forum. You will get extremely valuable help/advice from members. So, a few questions:

How long, was his affair? Five months?
What exactly prompted him to confess?
Do you think this is his first affair while married to you?
Have you had an STD test yet?

Do NOT allow him back so easily, or you will be right back here in a few months dealing with more of him cheating. Have you heard of "THE 180"? I know that your heart is in pieces right now and that sucks to no measure, but you need to be tough right now, in order to put your life back together


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> How old are you? I’m 50


I am 65. I was in my early 40's when my marriage suddenly ended and I was 49/50
when I met and married my now husband. 
I had three children still at home, youngest was 14, so I had to keep going for them. 

It just takes lots of time. Hopefully your family and friends can give you some support and you may benefit from counselling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes the affair has stopped. His first wife cheated and my first husband cheated and we always said we would never to that to one another. I’m in shock and disbelief, my husband had a minor heart attack on the 9th December last year, he’s not been close with me at all. On Easter Sunday I received a message from a random person telling me was having an affair with the receptionist where he works, I confronted him and he totally denied it, 6 hours later he told me it was true😢 my whole life broke there and then. I put his non sexual contact Down to all the pills he was taking due to heart attack as we discussed it in detail. Cannot believe this has happened, I ended up in hospital Wednesday and yesterday because I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop, devastated doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling


It's the worst felling in the world. I am very sorry for you but please don't take any more tablets.

Listen, first and foremost, everyone here will tell you, it WILL GET EASIER. And you will have joy in your life again. I know that seems impossible but luckily our brains are made this way.
Right now you are going through trauma, and that is normal. It is often compared to PTSD from going to war. It might make sense for you to talk to someone who specializes in that.

Divorce it the most reasonable response to being cheated on. If you cheat, can't expect more. The cheater being truly remorseful and working consistently to change is a requirement but shouldn't be the reason to stay. Nor should nostalgia, you can't base a marriage on nostalgia. You should base your decision on what the quality of your life will be going forward. It may take some time to assess this.

The best advice I can give you for now is to detach from your husband get comfortable with that, and then you can be empowered to make a decision using the criteria above from a position of strength not fear. That is if this isn't a deal breaker already. For many of us here it was.

If you are unsure, DO NOT, pick your marriage at all cost (even if you are sure you want to stay married and this would be unwise at the moment) as it will give your husband WAY TOO MUCH power in the relationship. Do not forgive him quickly, make him suffer some consequence so he learns from it. Don't even help him fix it. DO NOT go to marriage counseling until you have assurance that he is operating on good faith. You will need that for a base to build on, that takes contrition, time and consistent effort on his part first. And the goal of most marriage counselors is to fix the marriage at all cost, often blaming the spouse who was cheated on in the process and ruining any chance you might have. You can and maybe should get consoling and he definitely should, but the marriage should not be the priority now. Watch his actions and see what he does. There are plenty of sites on the internet that can give him the script, but this is his first test.

Right now you worry about you. Get comfortable with the thought of it just being you. Then make your choice.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you will be OK. Most of us on here know this from experience. Usually takes 2 years though unfortunately, and it is usually easier if you break ties, the simplest reason is your cheating spouse presence isn't there to remind you what they did every morning.

Now you probably already know this because you went through it once and you survived and thrived.

One more thing, do not take ownership of this. Cheating is ONLY a reflection of the cheaters character. If there were problems in the marriage (and every marriage has them) there were many other options to fix it. This is not your fault.

Your life is not over. It will be hard for a while but YOU WILL get through this. YOU WILL be happy again no matter what happens.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Blonde1971, I am so sorry that you are here, but I am glad that you chose this forum. You will get extremely valuable help/advice from members. So, a few questions:
> 
> How long, was his affair? Five months?
> What exactly prompted him to confess?
> ...


He didn’t confess someone that knows him, I’m guessing from his work sent me a message on messenger using a false name, after telling me that it was rubbish and that he would never do that,, 6 hours later, he said he couldn’t see me hurting anymore and told me it was true. Answer to your question is this his first affair, now this has happened I am really not sure. I do not know if I had not received that message if he would have told me. No I have not had STD but I will next week. I don’t know how to actually live without him, everything I think of has always included him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> He didn’t confess someone that knows him, I’m guessing from his work sent me a message on messenger using a false name, after telling me that it was rubbish and that he would never do that,, 6 hours later, he said he couldn’t see me hurting anymore and told me it was true. Answer to your question is this his first affair, now this has happened I am really not sure. I do not know if I had not received that message if he would have told me. No I have not had STD but I will next week. I don’t know how to actually live without him, everything I think of has always included him.


You must make sure that there are consequences for him which is why a set time of separation may be a good next step. If you just let him stay how will he understand the severity of what he has done? It will also give you the time and space to think and make decisions for the future. 
Unfortunately it's only stopped due to you being told, so he really isn't truly repentant, just sorry he got caught. 

In time if you do decide to try and make it work, you will need to think about what you want him to do to help restore the trust. For example, that he leaves his job, that you have access to his phones and computers, that you agree to strict boundaries with the opposite sex, that you both go to marriage counselling etc.

Please don't just stay because of fear of being alone, it's better to be single than with a man who you can't trust. Many say it's the lying and deception that is almost as bad as the actual affair, and I can totally see that.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You must make sure that there are consequences for him which is why a set time of separation may be a good next step. If you just let him stay how will he understand the severity of what he has done? It will also give you the time and space to think and make decisions for the future.
> Unfortunately it's only stopped due to you being told, so he really isn't truly repentant, just sorry he got caught.
> 
> In time if you do decide to try and make it work, you will need to think about what you want him to do to help restore the trust. For example, that he leaves his job, that you have access to his phones and computers, that you agree to strict boundaries with the opposite sex, that you both go to marriage counselling etc.
> ...


I understand what you are saying, obviously he’s not here at home with me, he’s staying at his sons house. I have never been in my own I don’t know how to find the strength to do that. I sound pathetic I know. People say find a hobbies go out with friends etc, to me all that sounds and feels impossible. It will be 1 week tomorrow that I asked him to leave. It’s the weekend now and we would be doing stuff together, I’m laid here in bed thinking, what do I do? God it’s going to be a long day and night and even the thought of tomorrow makes me feel sick. I need strength but I have none.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> It's the worst felling in the world. I am very sorry for you but please don't take any more tablets.
> 
> Listen, first and foremost, everyone here will tell you, it WILL GET EASIER. And you will have joy in your life again. I know that seems impossible but luckily our brains are made this way.
> Right now you are going through trauma, and that is normal. It is often compared to PTSD from going to war. It might make sense for you to talk to someone who specializes in that.
> ...


Last time was a blurry, I was 32 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and was put in a hospital and had ETC for 6 months.
I feel I have so many questions to ask him. I don’t know what to do where to turn, don’t know whether I should go to work, stay off work.. I have been working from home for just over a year, my home life and work life combined which I hate there is no difference in my day I am just here 24/7. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I understand what you are saying, obviously he’s not here at home with me, he’s staying at his sons house. I have never been in my own I don’t know how to find the strength to do that. I sound pathetic I know. People say find a hobbies go out with friends etc, to me all that sounds and feels impossible. It will be 1 week tomorrow that I asked him to leave. It’s the weekend now and we would be doing stuff together, I’m laid here in bed thinking, what do I do? God it’s going to be a long day and night and even the thought of tomorrow makes me feel sick. I need strength but I have none.


Do you have a friend or family member who can come and stay with you for a while? 
Maybe one of your sons can take you out?

As I said before I had three children at home so I had to just get on with it. Not sure if that was helpful or not really. Sometimes I just wanted time and space to grieve and rest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Last time was a blurry, I was 32 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and was put in a hospital and had ETC for 6 months.
> I feel I have so many questions to ask him. I don’t know what to do where to turn, don’t know whether I should go to work, stay off work.. I have been working from home for just over a year, my home life and work life combined which I hate there is no difference in my day I am just here 24/7. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything.


Write down all the questions. Are you having any communication with him?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you have a friend or family member who can come and stay with you for a while?
> Maybe one of your sons can take you out?
> 
> As I said before I had three children at home so I had to just get on with it. Not sure if that was helpful or not really. Sometimes I just wanted time and space to grieve and rest.


I have 4 sons, 2 live with me, 21 and 23. I don’t want to share anything more with them, I have probably scared them for life and not setting a good example. I don’t want anyone else here as I feel I would have to be doing/small talk/ looking after them. I just feel unrested all the time, my mind is cloudy all the time, I can’t get a grip on things, I hate this. People say, as you have it takes a long time, well that scares the hell out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to go down that path


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I just feel unrested all the time, my mind is cloudy all the time, I can’t get a grip on things, I hate this. People say, as you have it takes a long time, well that scares the hell out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to go down that path


Yup, it's going to take a while. But the alternative is, you let him come back, he begins another affair, or simply picks up with the same woman again and this pattern continues for years and years. You have one life. You are married to a serial cheater. Are you even sure that his x wife actually cheated on him? If you have not confirmed that with his x, how do you know whether or not he was lying to about that? Either way, he did it to you and only confessed because somebody ratted him out. I know it seems like the world is collapsing on you, but YOU WILL GET OVER THIS! You will have a life after this! You will be happy again! Hopefully, with a new, truly loyal husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have 4 sons, 2 live with me, 21 and 23. I don’t want to share anything more with them, I have probably scared them for life and not setting a good example. I don’t want anyone else here as I feel I would have to be doing/small talk/ looking after them. I just feel unrested all the time, my mind is cloudy all the time, I can’t get a grip on things, I hate this. People say, as you have it takes a long time, well that scares the hell out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to go down that path


Just take a day at a time. Do the things you have to do as a mum and be kind to yourself. Try and take a walk each day and eat and drink lots.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Write down all the questions. Are you having any communication with him?


Yes I am daily. But I know I don’t want to see him face to face if you get me.


Rushwater said:


> Yup, it's going to take a while. But the alternative is, you let him come back, he begins another affair, or simply picks up with the same woman again and this pattern continues for years and years. You have one life. You are married to a serial cheater. Are you even sure that his x wife actually cheated on him? If you have not confirmed that with his x, how do you know whether or not he was lying to about that? Either way, he did it to you and only confessed because somebody ratted him out. I know it seems like the world is collapsing on you, but YOU WILL GET OVER THIS! You will have a life after this! You will be happy again! Hopefully, with a new, truly loyal husband.


your words make it sound easy. I think what I am trying to say is that I don’t really want a life without him but I don’t want to kill myself, I just feel like I’m going to be sat here staring into thin air and life will pass me by, but that’s ok as I don’t have the want or the strength to move forward or backward. Someone else will get the best of him and I will be a useless pathetic woman. I do try to get up and moving but then I just collapse. I have no idea how to have a life on my own, don’t know where to begin or that I even want to


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Just take a day at a time. Do the things you have to do as a mum and be kind to yourself. Try and take a walk each day and eat and drink lots.


I have nothing to do the boys are adults. Can’t really eat and yes I am drinking lots of water.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes I am daily. But I know I don’t want to see him face to face if you get me.
> 
> your words make it sound easy. I think what I am trying to say is that I don’t really want a life without him but I don’t want to kill myself, I just feel like I’m going to be sat here staring into thin air and life will pass me by, but that’s ok as I don’t have the want or the strength to move forward or backward. Someone else will get the best of him and I will be a useless pathetic woman. I do try to get up and moving but then I just collapse. I have no idea how to have a life on my own, don’t know where to begin or that I even want to


It isn't easy, it's bloody hard, in fact.

@Diana7 is a good person and despite the fact that she is a very young woman, she is very wise. (She's about my age and I still feel young! )

What you did hasn't scarred your children for life. However what your husband did which caused you to have a mental breakdown might have scarred them for life. However counselling perhaps as a family (you and the children at least initially) will be of benefit.

It's possible the receptionist was able to prey on your husband after he had his heart attack. Although it's possible your husband isn't all he's cracked up to be. (That's an intriguing British expression, isn't it?)

I would also suggest that at some point couple's counselling would be an option worth considering. And do remember, we are here for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have nothing to do the boys are adults. Can’t really eat and yes I am drinking lots of water.


Well there is still caring for the house, cooking, shopping, laundry etc. Do you work? If you can eat much then get things like nutritional milkshakes.

You say you talk every day, it may be a good thing to have a time not having that contact. Do you ask him the questions you want to?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes I am daily. But I know I don’t want to see him face to face if you get me.
> 
> your words make it sound easy. I think what I am trying to say is that I don’t really want a life without him but I don’t want to kill myself, I just feel like I’m going to be sat here staring into thin air and life will pass me by, but that’s ok as I don’t have the want or the strength to move forward or backward. Someone else will get the best of him and I will be a useless pathetic woman. I do try to get up and moving but then I just collapse. I have no idea how to have a life on my own, don’t know where to begin or that I even want to


Its not easy at all, its very very hard. Things will get better as time passes, you will learn that you actually can have and even enjoy a life on your own if that is what you decide to do. Millions have done it. You are not useless or pathetic, you have just had a tremendous painful shock, anyone would be strugging at this stage. 
My brother like you had 2 spouses who cheated on him, the second one left him for her 4th affair partner, many years later he is in a really good place and has a lovely reliable honest partner. 

Has your husband made any promises as to what he would do if you get back together?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It isn't easy, it's bloody hard, in fact.
> 
> @Diana7 is a good person and despite the fact that she is a very young woman, she is very wise. (She's about my age and I still feel young! )
> 
> ...


Thanks for calling me young, I am only one year off my state pension.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well there is still caring for the house, cooking, shopping, laundry etc. Do you work? If you can eat much then get things like nutritional milkshakes.
> 
> You say you talk every day, it may be a good thing to have a time not having that contact. Do you ask him the questions you want to?


I did clean the house yesterday and the washing is on, boys cook for themselves. Just came back from a walk with the dog, to nothing. I work full time and have been working from home for the last year and abit, which I don’t enjoy, I am a people’s person. I did ask but don’t truly know if he’s telling the truth.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its not easy at all, its very very hard. Things will get better as time passes, you will learn that you actually can have and even enjoy a life on your own if that is what you decide to do. Millions have done it. You are not useless or pathetic, you have just had a tremendous painful shock, anyone would be strugging at this stage.
> My brother like you had 2 spouses who cheated on him, the second one left him for her 4th affair partner, many years later he is in a really good place and has a lovely reliable honest partner.
> 
> Has your husband made any promises as to what he would do if you get back together?


No apart from saying he will make it up to me. I could not and don’t know if I will get through this. Feels like a sentence. I dunno I have had just about enough heartaches in my life to fight another battle


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Very sorry you are in this position. I agree with some other posters on here that you should decide what you want to be the end result and how you get there.

You are initially sounding like you are favouring reconciliation but does this have to be all in, as in the Two of you carrying on as if there was no affair? There have been degrees of reconciliation on many posts, including divorcing and starting dating from fresh again, separating but then dating, taking a complete break before getting back together and so on.

The only advice I could give is to take your time, look at options for moving forward, use the experience of people like Diana7, and take it from there. People on here can give you their opinions and advice on what you may do if you want help deciding how to move forward.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> It isn't easy, it's bloody hard, in fact.
> 
> @Diana7 is a good person and despite the fact that she is a very young woman, she is very wise. (She's about my age and I still feel young! )
> 
> ...


He started it he pursued her, it started before the heart attack. But apart from no physical contact which we discussed was down to his medication, I felt we were ok and that he was having cancelling for how he was feeling on having a heart attack.


Harold Demure said:


> Very sorry you are in this position. I agree with some other posters on here that you should decide what you want to be the end result and how you get there.
> 
> You are initially sounding like you are favouring reconciliation but does this have to be all in, as in the Two of you carrying on as if there was no affair? There have been degrees of reconciliation on many posts, including divorcing and starting dating from fresh again, separating but then dating, taking a complete break before getting back together and so on.
> 
> The only advice I could give is to take your time, look at options for moving forward, use the experience of people like Diana7, and take it from there. People on here can give you their opinions and advice on what you may do if you want help deciding how to move forward.


I do want help to move forward, I just don’t know how, people say stay busy, what does that actually mean? I have nothing to do, I used to do everything with him. My mind feels blank with regards to doing things on my own. I cannot stand these long days and nights.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> No apart from saying he will make it up to me. I could not and don’t know if I will get through this. Feels like a sentence. I dunno I have had just about enough heartaches in my life to fight another battle


You can get through this and you will if you try. For your kids sake please don't talk like that. It's not a sentence, unless you do something stupid.

Look it's OK to feel betrayed, hopeless, tired, defeated, all that stuff, but you still have to move forward every day even if it's just an inch. Your kids will have kids one day they deserve to have a grandma. You know this. Stop it, no more talk like that.

Look you are going to have to trust us, it does get better, as long as you put the right steps in place. But I won't lie, it's just going to suck for a while.

Some things you can do is, work out. Every day, that releases your bodies natural endorphins (antidepressants), gives you daily goals and successes, and has the added bonus of helping you look good. All those things really do help. When you are ready, start doing things for you, like hobbies maybe even travel (once this pandemic is over). Lean on friends and family. Now is when they are needed and what they are for.

Look if you really feel like you can't manage go to your Doctor tell them what is going on and ask them to "Temporarily" give you an antidepressants just to get you past this moment in your life. No shame in that.

Please believe me it's not going to be like this forever. I know it doesn't feel like it but it's true.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I did clean the house yesterday and the washing is on, boys cook for themselves. Just came back from a walk with the dog, to nothing. I work full time and have been working from home for the last year and abit, which I don’t enjoy, I am a people’s person. I did ask but don’t truly know if he’s telling the truth.


Sounds as if you are managing ok. It's good you have the boys there and dogs can be such a comfort and do get you out and about for walks.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes the affair has stopped. His first wife cheated and my first husband cheated and we always said we would never to that to one another. I’m in shock and disbelief, my husband had a minor heart attack on the 9th December last year, he’s not been close with me at all. On Easter Sunday I received a message from a random person telling me was having an affair with the receptionist where he works, I confronted him and he totally denied it, 6 hours later he told me it was true😢 my whole life broke there and then. I put his non sexual contact Down to all the pills he was taking due to heart attack as we discussed it in detail. Cannot believe this has happened, I ended up in hospital Wednesday and yesterday because I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop, devastated doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling


I understand your feelings completely, it is so emotionally devastating that it transmits to physical pain. Breathing seems like a monumental task because it hurts. Dreams are haunted, every thought revolves around the betrayal.

Here is my advice that helped or would have helped in the first few months:

1. Don’t make any decisions regarding the rest of your life today, you don’t know how you’re going to feel 1, 2, or 6 months down the road. If you agree to take him back to try and make the pain stop... it ends up worse. Agree to give yourself at least a month without speaking to him to figure out your thoughts and feelings. He took at least 5 months of your life, you can have 1 back to process what is happening here. Don’t let him change or color your viewpoints in anyway, he needs to come to his own conclusions about the life he threw away and what kind of man he wants to be without you ASKING him to be it. That’s why not speaking to him is the best thing to do right now. 

2. Be gentle on yourself, you can’t make the pain stop by wishing it to. Understand that your pain has a purpose and process. Your heart hurts because you have been deeply betrayed and wronged. You will not feel this way forever, but the path to feeling less and less pain is to FEEL it. Over the course of weeks you will begin to feel less intensity. That’s because you are working through what this means about your husband, the man he is, and what he did to you. You’ve been through many painful things in your life... and you are still alive, you are still here, and you will get through this. 

3. Do little things to help you get through the most painful moments. Some examples I did and still do: listening to a playlist of music about being cheated on. It helps to know you aren’t alone. (This might make it worse for some people for me it’s empowering and helpful). Hot showers. Deep breaths and self soothing affirmations “it’s just in this moment”, “I am going to be ok”, “this will pass in just a few minutes”. Mindfulness and meditation really do help, there are free podcasts or YouTube videos. Reading books about cheating; Cheating in a Nutshell, and Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, are my two favorites that I read on repeat. Post here. Read here. And if do tictok or Pinterest, watch funny little videos of animals doing cute and silly things. I have a Pinterest board called “laugh” and have hundreds of ridiculous animal videos that have made me laugh... sometimes through tears. It helps. If you have a trustworthy friend you can confide in talk to that person. Take long walks, pet your dog. Cry when you need to. 

3. Eat whatever you can that you can manage. I didn’t eat for three days, the first thing I was able to eat was 5 bites of a loaded baked potato. I survived on chicken broth for awhile. Ice water with lemon helps with the nausea. Popsicles if you can manage. 

I am sorry you are here. My heart hurts for you. But you can do this, you are going to be ok. If you have to survive one minute to the next then do so. But this pain has a purpose, if you read Cheating in a Nutshell it will very thoroughly explain the purpose to you, and might bring you a lot of comfort. I highly suggest you get that book and start reading it. It helps with all the “whys” of what is happening. If you don’t want to read it, get the audiobook and listen while you take a walk. 

Keep posting, we are here for you. Hugs.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> You can get through this and you will if you try. For your kids sake please don't talk like that. It's not a sentence, unless you do something stupid.
> 
> Look it's OK to feel betrayed, hopeless, tired, defeated, all that stuff, but you still have to move forward every day even if it's just an inch. Your kids will have kids one day they deserve to have a grandma. You know this. Stop it, no more talk like that.
> 
> ...


I have been on anti depression tablets since I found my mum dead, I don’t want anymore tablets. I am going to get through it by drinking lots of alcohol and sleeping. That’s sounds crap but i have nothing else, all restrictions are lifted here Monday, boys will be out living their lives and rightly so. Nick (my husband) is a weak man and although I love him, no more now for me.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have been on anti depression tablets since I found my mum dead, I don’t want anymore tablets. I am going to get through it by drinking lots of alcohol and sleeping. That’s sounds crap but i have nothing else, all restrictions are lifted here Monday, boys will be out living their lives and rightly so. Nick (my husband) is a weak man and although I love him, no more now for me.


Listen, I get where you’re coming from. Been there. But drinking yourself into an oblivion is not going to help you one bit. 

You have been cheated on before, and you not only survived, you raised kids to adulthood. 

Your husband is a asshole. He ****ed you over. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree to lay down and die. You need a healthy dose of anger. HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO YOU.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Listen, I get where you’re coming from. Been there. But drinking yourself into an oblivion is not going to help you one bit.
> 
> You have been cheated on before, and you not only survived, you raised kids to adulthood.
> 
> Your husband is a asshole. He ****ed you over. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree to lay down and die. You need a healthy dose of anger. HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO YOU.


I feel no anger, I feel nothing, I feel dead inside to everything, no feelings towards my boys, sorry that sounds awful, but I can’t lie. I want to lay down, too much heartache throughout my sad, useless life. I know I have done a good job with the boys, that’s why they will be ok.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hmm.. just an observation but I still needed my mom a lot after reaching adulthood and our son's need their mother and I both even though they are far into adulthood.

I nearly did myself in a few years back but, believing it would piss God off and my family being devastated, stopped me.

In the years since, my boys and other family members have really benefitted from me not exiting stage left.

I passively tried doing myself in with alcohol as well. It still would have robbed my children and others who needed me and I wouldn't have met my grandkiddos who are monstrous little treasures.😉


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

It sounds good when someone says you can do what you want but actually it is incredibly difficult if you don’t have hobbies etc. Where do you start?

I know it is not the same but I found myself in a similar position on retiring. All of a sudden I could do whatever I wanted and people say lucky you. However, you lose the structure to your day and, in some respects, a big part of who you are/were. The easiest and worse thing is to allow yourself to wallow in pity or apathy and find yourself sitting in an armchair all day, every day.

I took specific time out to think back over life and say what did you say you wanted to do when you knew you didn’t have the time, money etc to do it, a “I wish” list. I wrote Ideas down in a notebook which I kept with me so those Ideas didn’t fly out of my head as quickly as they came in. I just wrote the ideas down at the time. No idea was stupid, ridiculous or impossible when I wrote them down and I included work as well as leisure activities. For example, I always wanted to work in a library or book shop.

I waited until much later to analyse pros and cons, practicality of each idea and also had to park pre-conceived ideas (eg activity x is going to be boring). Took a while, but I ended up with quite a comprehensive list, tried some out, ditched what did not suit me and enjoyed quite a bit. End result, very busy now and haven’t got round to starting approximately 50% of the things on my list.

I accept this is a lot easier said than done. One of the issues you raised was doing things on your own. Popular consensus on Google seems to be becoming involved in social activities involving groups to develop social contacts and self confidence. Suggestions that I saw include yoga classes, dance lessons, walking clubs, culinary classes and voluntary groups. As I said before, I would add jobs/work to this.

I would recommend a web site called Indeed if you want to think about working (apologies if I have missed that you are already working). This caters for those wanting to develop careers as well as those looking for new outlets full time or part time. (I have no connection to this site, just found it very useful after a recommendation by a friend). If you do not have a cv, people who can help can often be found in local libraries.

Can I add here that people re-entering the work place after a long break (making assumptions here as you don’t mention any job history) suffer from lack of confidence in their own abilities when the opposite is more the truth. Parents have a lot of skills which they use daily - planning, financial management, logistics and constant use of inter-personal skills to name but a few. Look at what you are good at, what have you done to demonstrate those strengths on a regular basis and have some belief in yourself.

How does this tie into your marriage? Whether it is leisure or work, it gives you more confidence, greater self belief and a realisation you can survive without someone else acting as a crutch.

Hope this gives some practical help, doesn’t make too many assumptions and is not way off of the mark in terms of what you are asking.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, this is a process and I understand it.

I was with my ex for 13 years when I found communications with am ex gf dating back our entire relationship. I never found a smoking gun to prove it was physical but I do know that I, his wife, was not mentioned ONCE. I also know that when confronted he lied through his teeth about everything and kept changing his story based on what he realized I already knew.

Even though I knew in my gut the marriage was over I didn't want to believe it. I wanted the guy that I could trust back, so I dragged him to counseling and tried like he'll to deal with it.

But as a little time went on I realized that I'd never trust him again and I'd never look at him the same. He was just a pathetic, insecure scumbag that needed validation from other women. And that guy I thought I could trust had never existed.

He didn't confess to you. He actively pursued her which means it's likely not the first time.
He's shown that he's a liar who can't be trusted and that will never change.

Eventually I got to the point where I felt nothing for my ex and just wanted to be rid of him. You will get there too but it's a process.

Here's the thing.....you basically have two choices. You can let him back and dull some of the pain now, but you will live with that pain as long as he's around. That will be the price of trying to dull it now. And he'll likely "make it up to you" with ******** gestures (ie flowers, chores) but will get better at hiding the next one.

Or you can rip the band aid off and get rid of him. The pain is horrendous, but if you face it the day will come when it passes.

My only regret now is that I didn't divorce my ex sooner. You can do better.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I feel no anger, I feel nothing, I feel dead inside to everything, no feelings towards my boys, sorry that sounds awful, but I can’t lie. I want to lay down, too much heartache throughout my sad, useless life. I know I have done a good job with the boys, that’s why they will be ok.


You are in shock and this is your bodies natural protection against emotional trauma.

Listen, you are 50, you could easily have 30 even 40 years left. My Mother was in a similar situation to you when she divorced my step father, she counts the last 25 years as the happiest and best of her life. It's possible.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I feel no anger, I feel nothing, I feel dead inside to everything, no feelings towards my boys, sorry that sounds awful, but I can’t lie. I want to lay down, too much heartache throughout my sad, useless life. I know I have done a good job with the boys, that’s why they will be ok.


I don’t know what to say to this. A man cheats on you, and that makes your life useless and sad? NO. That’s not the truth of your situation, that’s just what you are choosing. 

I hope you go to a doctor and let them know you have lost the desire to live and are a danger to yourself. Your kids deserve better than this from you. They may not physically need you, but they’ll sure as hell blame themselves for what you do for the rest of their lives. And nobody ever stops needing their mom, surely losing yours has shown you that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No one — believe me, no one — is worth the pain you’re putting yourself through. And, yes, you are putting yourself through it. You think you can’t live without him? If he died tomorrow, you would go on. I divorced late in life after a very long marriage. There was nothing easy about it. But I eventually realized that the only person you ever really control is yourself so I took my life back and moved on. Not the next day or the next week — but I began putting together a written plan for what my life would like. I added to it regularly and frequently re-read what I had written. It made me feel that I could succeed in creating a new life and I did. You can too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> No apart from saying he will make it up to me. I could not and don’t know if I will get through this. Feels like a sentence. I dunno I have had just about enough heartaches in my life to fight another battle


Well you and I both know that he can't make it up to you.
The damage is done and the marriage shattered. In time you will need to decide what your next step is, but there is no rush.


Blonde1971 said:


> I have been on anti depression tablets since I found my mum dead, I don’t want anymore tablets. I am going to get through it by drinking lots of alcohol and sleeping. That’s sounds crap but i have nothing else, all restrictions are lifted here Monday, boys will be out living their lives and rightly so. Nick (my husband) is a weak man and although I love him, no more now for me.


Drinking with antidepressants is a bad idea and wont help at all. It will make you feel worse and you have your sons and your dog to think about. You may even become addicted which would leave you in an even worse situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I feel no anger, I feel nothing, I feel dead inside to everything, no feelings towards my boys, sorry that sounds awful, but I can’t lie. I want to lay down, too much heartache throughout my sad, useless life. I know I have done a good job with the boys, that’s why they will be ok.


You are in deep shock, it's been such a very short time. The future you thought you had is gone.
I felt as if I was in a deep thick fog and could see nothing in the future. All I could manage was to get by each day coping with what needed to be done, taking the dogs out, being there for my kids, looking after the home. One step at a time, day by day and eventually it will get easier. It's a grief you are feeling, grieving for your marriage, for the husband you thought you had, for the future you thought you had.
I also get having had a hard life, my mum killed herself, other awful things happened, but it's amazing how the human spirit can get back up there and live on. Of course my faith helped, knowing that ultimately God is here with us, and He cares. Didn't stop the pain but it gave me the assurance that my life was still set on the Rock.

Your boys are still just v young adults who must also be hurt and upset, they still need you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> I feel no anger, I feel nothing, I feel dead inside to everything, no feelings towards my boys, sorry that sounds awful, but I can’t lie. I want to lay down, too much heartache throughout my sad, useless life. I know I have done a good job with the boys, that’s why they will be ok.


You don't have a sad, useless life. However, you do have a sad useless husband.

I'm going to provide a link to the Samaritans for you Homepage

Please also take a look at the Talk About Marriage Social section, it's a place to hang out and chill a bit. Jokes, banter, recipes, music, etc.

We are here for you. All over the world, so there's usually someone who is on line.

And please check with your Doctor. Maybe you need a medicine review? Also, so anti-depressants do not play well with alcohol, so you need to check out if your meds are one of these.

And you can do it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Thanks for calling me young, I am only one year off my state pension.


Not far behind you!


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I understand your feelings completely, it is so emotionally devastating that it transmits to physical pain. Breathing seems like a monumental task because it hurts. Dreams are haunted, every thought revolves around the betrayal.
> 
> Here is my advice that helped or would have helped in the first few months:
> 
> ...


I have read this a few times, your post I mean and when I read it I feel calm, I will get that book. Thank you x


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> You don't have a sad, useless life. However, you do have a sad useless husband.
> 
> I'm going to provide a link to the Samaritans for you Homepage
> 
> ...


Yes I will speak with the doctor tomorrow, they have asked me to call them. I nearly caved last night and saw him but I didn’t in the end. I don’t want to see him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@*Blonde1971 *please continue to post on here and participate, if only to get your mind off it. 

Most of us have been through it and know how hard it is. I for instance purposely post on these boards specifically for people like you because I remember the feeling of having no hope and how hard that was. I didn't believe anyone who told me I would get better and was sure I was right. Thankfully I wasn't, but that was probably the hardest thing I ever went through in my life, and I have been through some ****. 

I know it seems silly and this is only a message board but this is part of my life's mission in a way. I want to help people who are suffering like I did.

So I am going to keep telling you that you are going to get through this, and have joy in your life. Those are not lines to just make you fell better, it's the truth. I have no cause to lie to you, I don't even know you but my life and empirical evidence tells me it will be true for you. I am even more sure because of your reaction to this in regards to your husband, you are not taking any crap and that will serve you very well. Please try as best as you can to have the courage to at least have a grain of hope that that is possible. OK? 

Hang in there? It's gonna get better. I promise you!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> I understand your feelings completely, it is so emotionally devastating that it transmits to physical pain. Breathing seems like a monumental task because it hurts. Dreams are haunted, every thought revolves around the betrayal.
> 
> Here is my advice that helped or would have helped in the first few months:
> 
> ...


This is great advice as typical from QR. The only other thing I would add was my advice about exercising if and when you are up to it. It really does help too. Finally nothing wrong with leaning on the other people who are close to you at times like this, that is what they are for.

One more thing - **** THIS GUY. 

You are going to let this guy's disgusting actions steal the joy you get from your kids and all the good things you have done in your life? **** THAT AND **** HIM, at least for right now. (And I mean don't mean that literally) 😛

Maybe it's time you find your anger a little bit.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> @*Blonde1971 *please continue to post on here and participate, if only to get your mind off it.
> 
> Most of us have been through it and know how hard it is. I for instance purposely post on these boards specifically for people like you because I remember the feeling of having no hope and how hard that was. I didn't believe anyone who told me I would get better and was sure I was right. Thankfully I wasn't, but that was probably the hardest thing I ever went through in my life, and I have been through some ****.
> 
> ...


Thank you, it’s unbearable, the ups and downs of it. This morning I feel ok, I’m going to get dressed and go to WH Smiths and buy Cheaters in a Nutshell to read. It’s the afternoons and evenings that’s when I am at my worst. I’m going to grab a coffee meet at friend at 11 and go for a walk, this is very good for me. I am so glad I have joined this site, you are all helping me, I just want time to go faster.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> This is great advice as typical from QR. The only other thing I would add was my advice about exercising if and when you are up to it. It really does help too. Finally nothing wrong with leaning on the other people who are close to you at times like this, that is what they are for.
> 
> One more thing - **** THIS GUY.
> 
> ...


I am trying to find anger, I was very angry at 5am this morning.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> @*Blonde1971 *please continue to post on here and participate, if only to get your mind off it.
> 
> Most of us have been through it and know how hard it is. I for instance purposely post on these boards specifically for people like you because I remember the feeling of having no hope and how hard that was. I didn't believe anyone who told me I would get better and was sure I was right. Thankfully I wasn't, but that was probably the hardest thing I ever went through in my life, and I have been through some ****.
> 
> ...


I wish o how I wish I could have some way of seeing the future, see that I am going to be ok and be happy. I may see a physic, just a glimmer of what is coming my way. Thank you so much


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had a horrific shock a long time ago and felt just like you. Heavily medicated, I barely scraped by and I do remember one thing getting me through the day, and I literally remember looking at the clock and watching the minutes - at 9.30am I wondered how I could live another minute. 

A person started dropping by every day, she knew how bad I was, but she was also oblivious and would stay for hours talking and talking. Sometimes I would put my head on the table like a rag doll and she would just keep talking... and you wouldn’t believe it, day by day that small talk of hers seemed to snap my brain into some sort of focus... when I simply couldn’t even focus. 

I remember feeling such annoyance towards her - how could she watch me like this, didn’t she understand how sick I was! Why couldn’t she just go away. She never even asked how I was!! Did she know I was bats*^t crazy!?!

God sends us angels sometimes, you cannot imagine right now that things will be better, I know. 

So if I can leave you with anything, it’s to say talk to someone, anyone - about anything except what you’re going through. Talk about what you are, talk about them, ask them questions, anything to get your mind and mouth moving. Slowly slowly.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I had a horrific shock a long time ago and felt just like you. Heavily medicated, I barely scraped by and I do remember one thing getting me through the day, and I literally remember looking at the clock and watching the minutes - at 9.30am I wondered how I could live another minute.
> 
> A person started dropping by every day, she knew how bad I was, but she was also oblivious and would stay for hours talking and talking. Sometimes I would put my head on the table like a rag doll and she would just keep talking... and you wouldn’t believe it, day by day that small talk of hers seemed to snap my brain into some sort of focus... when I simply couldn’t even focus.
> 
> ...


This is exactly the way I feel, how long did it take to start feeling just a little better?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

From memory, it was 3 months to start functioning on a basic level. I was in shock, I think an above poster mentioned that the body and mind shuts down as a protective mechanism. That is exactly how I felt, I pretty much almost had to relearn how to talk. 

Doctors orders to get lots of rest and pretty much forget anything. Honestly I was just mush. Even if I willed myself better it wasn’t going to happen, my body and mind just wasn’t going to work. 

Another basic thing I remember was starting to do things at regular times, again to resume some normalcy. At 9.30 I would watch the Sunday night movie on the same channel, it was a very boring community channel too, so the films were B-grade and pretty bad. But they were simple, terrible and didn’t ask much of me except that I had to watch them every Sunday night. Changed bed linen at a certain time once a week, and one grooming thing that was a daily event - for me that was eye-liner every morning. So very basic and monotone. I felt more scrambled if I tried to keep busy and moving all day and couldn’t anyway, so a few things outside your normal routine that don’t ask much of you, but do them at set times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I wish o how I wish I could have some way of seeing the future, see that I am going to be ok and be happy. I may see a physic, just a glimmer of what is coming my way. Thank you so much


I don't think a psychic will help. Please just believe those who know.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> From memory, it was 3 months to start functioning on a basic level. I was in shock, I think an above poster mentioned that the body and mind shuts down as a protective mechanism. That is exactly how I felt, I pretty much almost had to relearn how to talk.
> 
> Doctors orders to get lots of rest and pretty much forget anything. Honestly I was just mush. Even if I willed myself better it wasn’t going to happen, my body and mind just wasn’t going to work.
> 
> Another basic thing I remember was starting to do things at regular times, again to resume some normalcy. At 9.30 I would watch the Sunday night movie on the same channel, it was a very boring community channel too, so the films were B-grade and pretty bad. But they were simple, terrible and didn’t ask much of me except that I had to watch them every Sunday night. Changed bed linen at a certain time once a week, and one grooming thing that was a daily event - for me that was eye-liner every morning. So very basic and monotone. I felt more scrambled if I tried to keep busy and moving all day and couldn’t anyway, so a few things outside your normal routine that don’t ask much of you, but do them at set times.


I’m just all over the place, if I go to a friends like I did last night, i couldn’t sit still and left within 10 minutes came home, feel like I’m acting crazy. I can’t concentrate on anything at all, I do change my bedding every morning and I don’t know why. People tell me I got to push myself, I try and then fail, I’m trying again this morning. 3 months of pure vileness I can’t do. One week and I’m like, this has got to stop but I don’t really know what I’m talking about


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m just all over the place, if I go to a friends like I did last night, i couldn’t sit still and left within 10 minutes came home, feel like I’m acting crazy. I can’t concentrate on anything at all, I do change my bedding every morning and I don’t know why. People tell me I got to push myself, I try and then fail, I’m trying again this morning. 3 months of pure vileness I can’t do. One week and I’m like, this has got to stop but I don’t really know what I’m talking about


Counselling, Talking Theraphy, will be of great benefit to you, I believe. Your Doctor can help organise this, I hope.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes yes, you’re going to fail and that’s ok! Completely normal. The aim right now is not to succeed, just get through each minute. No expectations. 

Have you seen a doctor? There are better things than alcohol - alcohol’s a depressant. Remember this is temporary and there are good medications that might help you short- term. I say short-term, because you’re absolutely not going to feel this way next week, next month or next year. 

Nothing is permanent, not even happiness.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes yes, you’re going to fail and that’s ok! Completely normal. The aim right now is not to succeed, just get through each minute. No expectations.
> 
> Have you seen a doctor? There are better things than alcohol - alcohol’s a depressant. Remember this is temporary and there are good medications that might help you short- term. I say short-term, because you’re absolutely not going to feel this way next week, next month or next year.
> 
> Nothing is permanent, not even happiness.


Then there’s the question, although I work I cannot afford to live in our house, it’s private rent. Yes the boys do help but I would have about £50 to last me a month and that don’t even include food. I will be seeing doctor tomorrow. It keeps running through my mind our life and routine, makes me sad and happy at the same time. It is one week ago today that I found out. My chest hurts, I miss him.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m just all over the place, if I go to a friends like I did last night, i couldn’t sit still and left within 10 minutes came home, feel like I’m acting crazy. I can’t concentrate on anything at all, I do change my bedding every morning and I don’t know why. People tell me I got to push myself, I try and then fail, I’m trying again this morning. 3 months of pure vileness I can’t do. One week and I’m like, this has got to stop but I don’t really know what I’m talking about


You are dealing with a trauma, a deep and terrible trauma. If your husband ran you over with truck, would these people be telling you “you have to push yourself” the same week you got laid up in the hospital? I mean, maybe, people say stupid crap all the time... But you’ve been hit by an emotional truck, and it doesn’t take our heart less time to heal than our body just because no blood is leaking. 

Do what makes you feel safe in the moment, change your sheets, take walks, whatever but give yourself a break. You didn’t choose this, you didn’t do this, but now you’re expected to heal from it anyway. That’s not a small feat. 

At least you know there is reprieve, you were in a dark place, and then you woke up and had a moment of... being ok, lightness even, hope? Keep that in mind, the dark moments are just that, moments. You get through them by feeling them, and knowing you will feel something else in the next moment. Your heart is slowly working to figure out the damage and then knit back together. Give it compassion and understanding as it tries to heal.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I wish o how I wish I could have some way of seeing the future, see that I am going to be ok and be happy. I may see a physic, just a glimmer of what is coming my way. Thank you so much


It’s your lucky day, I’m a psychic. And yes, you are going to be joyful. Julie Andrews, spinning on a mountaintop through wild flowers type joy. That’s a freebie, the next session will cost you.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You are dealing with a trauma, a deep and terrible trauma. If your husband ran you over with truck, would these people be telling you “you have to push yourself” the same week you got laid up in the hospital? I mean, maybe, people say stupid crap all the time... But you’ve been hit by an emotional truck, and it doesn’t take our heart less time to heal than our body just because no blood is leaking.
> 
> Do what makes you feel safe in the moment, change your sheets, take walks, whatever but give yourself a break. You didn’t choose this, you didn’t do this, but now you’re expected to heal from it anyway. That’s not a small feat.
> 
> At least you know there is reprieve, you were in a dark place, and then you woke up and had a moment of... being ok, lightness even, hope? Keep that in mind, the dark moments are just that, moments. You get through them by feeling them, and knowing you will feel something else in the next moment. Your heart is slowly working to figure out the damage and then knit back together. Give it compassion and understanding as it tries to heal.


Thank you so much for this message. Do you know what, I’m getting really sick and tired now of him, he’s acting like it’s him that has been betrayed, he’s having bad thoughts and needs to get his head straight! Selfish man. He’s says he wants to come back but then acts like I have to wait for him, I don’t know how it’s turned this way. He’s pathetic


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Thank you so much for this message. Do you know what, I’m getting really sick and tired now of him, he’s acting like it’s him that has been betrayed, he’s having bad thoughts and needs to get his head straight! Selfish man. He’s says he wants to come back but then acts like I have to wait for him, I don’t know how it’s turned this way. He’s pathetic


Yes. He will say ANYTHING to get a free pass and you to sweep this under the rug, including blaming you for him choosing to **** someone. He will also resort to begging and pleading. Cut him off and cut him out so you can get perspective. 

Also get the other book, ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’. She tells you why the cheater says and does this bull crap. It’s good to have that knowledge for when he starts this poop again.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Yes. He will say ANYTHING to get a free pass and you to sweep this under the rug, including blaming you for him choosing to **** someone. He will also resort to begging and pleading. Cut him off and cut him out so you can get perspective.
> 
> Also get the other book, ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’. She tells you why the cheater says and does this bull crap. It’s good to have that knowledge for when he starts this poop again.


I have been to every book shop for these books, no luck, I have now ordered them from Amazon they will be here Tuesday.
I think you lot on here are bloody fantastic


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t know how to actually live without him, everything I think of has always included him.


Start doing the 180 -- it will help you detach. You should also seek counseling for yourself -- it will help you get past any co-dependence you have.
VERY sorry you are dealing with this.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Start doing the 180 -- it will help you detach. You should also seek counseling for yourself -- it will help you get past any co-dependence you have.
> VERY sorry you are dealing with this.


What is this 180, and yes I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. Thank you for the advice.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

180 for Betrayed Spouses 

This lets YOU start to detach from him -- minimal interaction so that YOU can focus on YOU -- what YOU want to do with your life, what activities YOU want to do, etc... Great that you are seeing the Dr (is that a counselor or your medical Dr? If the latter, get a recommendation of a good counselor).


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> 180 for Betrayed Spouses
> 
> This lets YOU start to detach from him -- minimal interaction so that YOU can focus on YOU -- what YOU want to do with your life, what activities YOU want to do, etc... Great that you are seeing the Dr (is that a counselor or your medical Dr? If the latter, get a recommendation of a good counselor).


Medical Doctor, but she will give me recommendations for counselors. Right I’m going to find all this stuff on 180 on the net?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yes, just click that link...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I wish o how I wish I could have some way of seeing the future, see that I am going to be ok and be happy. I may see a physic, just a glimmer of what is coming my way. Thank you so much


Trust me, assuming you want to get better and nothing stupid happens, then am confident enough to tell you there isn't a doubt in my mind you will get better. The vast majority of people get better if they want to. The ones who don't are the ones who spend the rest of their life wishing they could go back to a marriage that is dead. 

You seem to have already accepted that whatever happens your marriage as you knew it is dead. That is a terrible truth but it is a truth none the less. It also really is the first step in your healing. Now you can stay together but it will be a new marriage. It's way to soon to decide that now though.

Again I have read thousands of these stories and lived it myself as long as you follow everyone's advice you are going to be OK. I don't need a time machine to tell you that confidently.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Then there’s the question, although I work I cannot afford to live in our house, it’s private rent. Yes the boys do help but I would have about £50 to last me a month and that don’t even include food. I will be seeing doctor tomorrow. It keeps running through my mind our life and routine, makes me sad and happy at the same time. It is one week ago today that I found out. My chest hurts, I miss him.


Could you get a smaller place eventually ?


Blonde1971 said:


> Thank you so much for this message. Do you know what, I’m getting really sick and tired now of him, he’s acting like it’s him that has been betrayed, he’s having bad thoughts and needs to get his head straight! Selfish man. He’s says he wants to come back but then acts like I have to wait for him, I don’t know how it’s turned this way. He’s pathetic


Yes that is selfish. Very selfish. This isn't about him, he is the cause of this heartbreak. How he feels is irrelevant, he should be concentrating 100% on you and the devastation he has bought on you and his children.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> I had a horrific shock a long time ago and felt just like you. Heavily medicated, I barely scraped by and I do remember one thing getting me through the day, and I literally remember looking at the clock and watching the minutes - at 9.30am I wondered how I could live another minute.
> 
> A person started dropping by every day, she knew how bad I was, but she was also oblivious and would stay for hours talking and talking. Sometimes I would put my head on the table like a rag doll and she would just keep talking... and you wouldn’t believe it, day by day that small talk of hers seemed to snap my brain into some sort of focus... when I simply couldn’t even focus.
> 
> ...


Had the very same feelings. It was like every second was painful.

I was completely blindsided and had just proposed to this girl, who was professing her love to me just weeks earlier. Then I read her email to the guy she cheated on me with, about how I proposed and all she could do was thing about him. I actually had an out of body experience when I read that, I felt like my soul snapped out of my body and I saw myself from above sitting there reading that email on my computer. It was so weird, only time in my life that happened. It was very much like you see in the movies.

And she knew him like a month, meanwhile my car had broken down and I didn't have the money to fix it for about 2 weeks so for two weeks I was stuck in the house in the worst hell in my life. Every second felt like a year.

The things I remember most are going out to some club or something with my single guy friends a few weeks or so later and thinking maybe even saying, I can't believe I am single and right back here starting over. I never really like the bar scene and here I was again. That was one of the very low days.

I remember having a conversation with my Mother (who had been cheated on twice) that was a mirror of this post. Basically how is it possible this is going to get over this. OP I was just like you, I couldn't see it.

Finally I remember I got my first serious paying job at a career I had switched to because it paid better and I was setting myself up to support us. This was maybe 3 months later, I had just double my salary, this was a big moment in my life and should have been a great day. I remember on the drive home I cried. 
Now here is the thing, I actually laughed when I wrote that just now, that is how much I am over it. What a sensitive soul I was...

In 2 years I met my future wife, and my whole life took off. But those first days were the hardest of my life.

It's gonna get better OP. It will.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think a psychic will help. Please just believe those who know.


I kind of agree OP, this is like chemo you have to go through it, no shortcuts. Shortcuts prolong what it takes to heal.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Lady, your post takes me back many years. It is absolutely heart wrenching to realize your husband who you have trusted and long so dearly could want to be with anyone but you. If you have not found a good counselor yet, keep searching, it is well worth your time and effort to get counseling. I had no insurance at the time and could not afford counseling. If you are in a position of blaming yourself right now......DO NOT! This is not about you, this is about him. What I have seen in people who cheat is they have had a parent who has cheated and this gives them them okay to repeat the same behavior. Some men, or women, can marry and think at the time that they can be true to the marriage but ultimately cannot commit fully to the relationship OR temptation crosses their path and they cannot resist. You and I could resist but not all people have that integrity. I know it is not what you want to hear right now but really you have to focus on you and what you need to do for you right now to be healthy and happy.

My first husband and I were high school sweethearts, married with such promise and totally open, always wanting to be together but he had a desire for other women and it crushed me beyond belief. I could not sleep at night, I could hardly function. As a result of what happened I made alot of terrible choices as things got locked in my head and this is where counseling can do you alot of good.You are worthy of a wonderful, joyful life. let him go and wish him the best in finding himself. Let go with love.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> Then there’s the question, although I work I cannot afford to live in our house, it’s private rent. Yes the boys do help but I would have about £50 to last me a month and that don’t even include food. I will be seeing doctor tomorrow. It keeps running through my mind our life and routine, makes me sad and happy at the same time. It is one week ago today that I found out. My chest hurts, I miss him.


How old are your boys? Are they old enough to work? If they will be with you they can contribute to the house expenses. They would be paying to live on their own - so group your funds to make a move easier to manage.
And when you file for divorce - you ask a judge to award a support amount you get monthly.
And any assets you’ve accumulated could be divided - so ask an attorney what you can expect.

Start keeping a journal - you needs to get your thoughts out of your head and if not paper so you can clear your mind and make smart decisions about your future.

27 years with my exH - I would never go back... he stole my peace of mind! He doesn’t deserve my love and honor. He ruined a great life!

There are consequences for bad behavior - not staying with a known cheater is a gift you give to YOURSELF! The best gift!

And you will adjust in time... be gentle with yourself.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> How old are your boys? Are they old enough to work? If they will be with you they can contribute to the house expenses. They would be paying to live on their own - so group your funds to make a move easier to manage.
> And when you file for divorce - you ask a judge to award a support amount you get monthly.
> And any assets you’ve accumulated could be divided - so ask an attorney what you can expect.
> 
> ...


Hi, the boys do contribute it have 4 Sons 21, 23, 27 and 28, 21 and 23 year olds live with me in a three bedroom house. Yes I feel strong enough today to make a list and start to try and understand how to deal with it, I need to do something positive, I don’t want these feeling eating away at me. What will be, will be, I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I wish nothing but pure vileness for my EX husband, he deserves to rot. But he won’t some other poor woman will have to put up with him. Going to try and stay positive today


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have 4 sons, 2 live with me, 21 and 23. I don’t want to share anything more with them, I have probably scared them for life and not setting a good example. I don’t want anyone else here as I feel I would have to be doing/small talk/ looking after them. I just feel unrested all the time, my mind is cloudy all the time, I can’t get a grip on things, I hate this. People say, as you have it takes a long time, well that scares the hell out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to go down that path


Perhaps you could consider some online counselling just to help you through this initial difficult time. An independent third party may be just what you need to unload your emotions and begin to find your balance. In the mean time you need to get your ducks in a row, organize a lawyer, tell all family and friends what your cheating H has done, so he does not have any time to come up with cover stories or have the situation smelling or roses. 
Do you know anything about the OW? Is she married, her BS needs to know also.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Lady, your post takes me back many years. It is absolutely heart wrenching to realize your husband who you have trusted and long so dearly could want to be with anyone but you. If you have not found a good counselor yet, keep searching, it is well worth your time and effort to get counseling. I had no insurance at the time and could not afford counseling. If you are in a position of blaming yourself right now......DO NOT! This is not about you, this is about him. What I have seen in people who cheat is they have had a parent who has cheated and this gives them them okay to repeat the same behavior. Some men, or women, can marry and think at the time that they can be true to the marriage but ultimately cannot commit fully to the relationship OR temptation crosses their path and they cannot resist. You and I could resist but not all people have that integrity. I know it is not what you want to hear right now but really you have to focus on you and what you need to do for you right now to be healthy and happy.
> 
> My first husband and I were high school sweethearts, married with such promise and totally open, always wanting to be together but he had a desire for other women and it crushed me beyond belief. I could not sleep at night, I could hardly function. As a result of what happened I made alot of terrible choices as things got locked in my head and this is where counseling can do you alot of good.You are worthy of a wonderful, joyful life. let him go and wish him the best in finding himself. Let go with love.


I’m going to let him go, I’m not going to text him or call him like I have been all last week, it feels like I have not seen him for 6 months and not just one week. What will be, will be. I do deserve so much better than him. It’s Monday morning, I am going to get up have a cup of tea, speak with my boss, have today and tomorrow off and start work again on Wednesday, fingers crossed.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Thank you, it’s unbearable, the ups and downs of it. This morning I feel ok, I’m going to get dressed and go to WH Smiths and buy Cheaters in a Nutshell to read. It’s the afternoons and evenings that’s when I am at my worst. I’m going to grab a coffee meet at friend at 11 and go for a walk, this is very good for me. I am so glad I have joined this site, you are all helping me, I just want time to go faster.


i know it is very difficult and the pain is real. Could you join some sort of infidelity support groups, they have them in the UK, you need to look it up. With Covid, they may be online. It would help you to share with others who are going through the same thing.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

aine said:


> Perhaps you could consider some online counselling just to help you through this initial difficult time. An independent third party may be just what you need to unload your emotions and begin to find your balance. In the mean time you need to get your ducks in a row, organize a lawyer, tell all family and friends what your cheating H has done, so he does not have any time to come up with cover stories or have the situation smelling or roses.
> Do you know anything about the OW? Is she married, her BS needs to know also.


No she is 36, single with a 7 year old and she is constantly chasing him since he finished it. I would give anything right now to stop the thoughts of him have sex with her.
He said to me the reason he couldn’t get an erect ion with me was because of all the tablets he was taking. See now I need to stop this as I get very panicked and my chest hurts and I go into free fall. Memory blocker is what I need.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Let the thoughts of him being happily ever after with her leave your mind. She is a very needy fool and your husband will get his just desserts with his 36 year old pathetic fool. 

You deserve better. She is younger, but you are much more woman that that fool will ever be. Never forget that! He is still with her. That won't change any time soon.

He is doing damage control with you. There is no remorse. There is no love in this man for you. Don't sweat it. There is no love in him for the 36 year old either. It is lust and an exciting new toy for him. The lust and excitement will wear off with this one. He will seek others. 

You don't want this version of him. She gets this crappy version for a bit and the next poor innocent woman will get an even more watered down version.

Toss his cheating ass to the curb with the rest of the garbage🗑. He will be someone else's recycle problem. You don't recycle ♻ human trash; you dump it!


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

aine said:


> i know it is very difficult and the pain is real. Could you join some sort of infidelity support groups, they have them in the UK, you need to look it up. With Covid, they may be online. It would help you to share with others who are going through the same thing.


I will look that up right now, thank you


Bibi1031 said:


> Let the thoughts of him being happily ever after with her leave your mind. She is a very needy fool and your husband will get his just desserts with his 36 year old pathetic fool.
> 
> You deserve better. She is younger, but you are much more woman that that fool will ever be. Never forget that! He is still with her. That won't change any time soon.
> 
> ...


he is not with her anymore he said it was a massive mistake.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It's damage control. He spews lies. Please stop believing words and pay attention to ACTIONS. 

How do you know she is chasing him? How do you know he truly believes he made a massive mistake? How certain are you he has not taken the affair underground?

His behavior is straight out of the cheaters script. 

1. He needs to talk to her on the phone with you present that the affair has been over with her.

2. He needs to write a letter stating to her that the affair is over and he loves you and wants to rebuild the marriage. 

3. He needs no contact with her after the letter and phone call.

4. He needs to change his job if she works with him. 

Do you have certainty that any of the above points have been done? If you don't know any of this for sure, then you really need the honest truth even if it may hurt. We all that have been cheated on deserve that; The Truth and not trickle truth like cheaters give us.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> It's damage control. He spews lies. Please stop believing words and pay attention to ACTIONS.
> 
> How do you know she is chasing him? How do you know he truly believes he made a massive mistake? How certain are you he has not taken the affair underground?
> 
> ...


I only know what he has told me, I know all the people nick works with, they are telling me. And yea I don’t really know the whole truth. Not sure I want to after last week


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I know your life is very hard right now. I have read your thread and I see your progress and strength. 

You are doing very well. God knows you are much stronger than I was at the time my X cheated on me. Time does its thing though, and I survived the nasty infidelity monster that killed my 21 year marriage. 

My X had me fooled for a whole month before I found out we weren't reconciling at all because he never stopped the affair. He simply wanted both the convenience of our marriage and the newness and excitement of the affair. 

He knew what he could monetarily and socially lose if we divorced. He didn't want that at all. The lies he filled me with were crazy. I believed every word because I needed the crushing pain to stop. That was 17 years ago, but I remember it all like if it happened yesterday but without the excruciating pain though. 

Time is good. It is what helps heal our wounds and mend our broken hearts.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> I know your life is very hard right now. I have read your thread and I see your progress and strength.
> 
> You are doing very well. God knows you are much stronger than I was at the time my X cheated on me. Time does its thing though, and I survived the nasty infidelity monster that killed my 21 year marriage.
> 
> ...


I don’t know if I’m pretending or if I am trying for real, I’m just awake and time is passing (slowly) I get small moments when I think, I’m going to be ok then I get sheer panic moments that last a long time, I constantly feel sick and my heart is constantly racing, I think I’m trying and not lying to myself.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t know if I’m pretending or if I am trying for real, I’m just awake and time is passing (slowly) I get small moments when I think, I’m going to be ok then I get sheer panic moments that last a long time, I constantly feel sick and my heart is constantly racing, I think I’m trying and not lying to myself.


You see progress and strength? Do you really or just trying to make me feel better? This group has been absolutely brilliant, I am listening to you all, think that’s helping me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cheaters lie...they all swear its over and they're not the one doing the pursuing.

Besides...his victim attitude now tells you he's a liar. Someone who was truthful and sorry would be owning his choices, not playing victim.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> You see progress and strength? Do you really or just trying to make me feel better? This group has been absolutely brilliant, I am listening to you all, think that’s helping me.


Absolutely. You're in the most difficult part -- learning the truth. The journey will be tough, but you will be happy again one day. Just don't rely on drugs or alcohol to get you though this mess. All they do is dull you and postpone facing reality. When you look back over your life, you will see that the difficult things are accomplished immediately. The impossible things take a little longer. You can do this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It literally takes your breath away when you’re in the middle of it and it’s hard to focus on anything else. But those random moments when you feel like you’ll be okay are the start of digging your way out.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I most certainly do see progress. As for strength, your have plenty of that too. There is no right way to get through this hell. You just gotta get threw it.

All your feelings are normal. It is part of the process. I am just very glad you are not in the dark place you were when you started this post. Believe me when I tell you, you are going to be happy and fulfilled one day whether you are married to him or not.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Cheaters lie...they all swear its over and they're not the one doing the pursuing.
> 
> Besides...his victim attitude now tells you he's a liar. Someone who was truthful and sorry would be owning his choices, not playing victim.


Very true.


Openminded said:


> It literally takes your breath away when you’re in the middle of it and it’s hard to focus on anything else. But those random moments when you feel like you’ll be okay are the start of digging your way out.


Is it?


Openminded said:


> It literally takes your breath away when you’re in the middle of it and it’s hard to focus on anything else. But those random moments when you feel like you’ll be okay are the start of digging your way out.


Is it, I haven’t gone a whole day without contacting him. I have been ironing which is something I never did, he done the ironing for him and me. Sat on my own now and it’s very quiet, do not think I will move now for the rest of day, go to bed at 6/7pm just so another day passes


Bibi1031 said:


> I most certainly do see progress. As for strength, your have plenty of that too. There is no right way to get through this hell. You just gotta get threw it.
> 
> All your feelings are normal. It is part of the process. I am just very glad you are not in the dark place you were when you started this post. Believe me when I tell you, you are going to be happy and fulfilled one day whether you are married to him or not.


i bloody hope so, cos I’m never ever going through this again, I’m starting to feel ugly and unloveable, is that normal? I shouldn’t give myself to people


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> cos I’m never ever going through this again


Don't make absolute statements. It may happen again, it may not. If it does, you deal with it. 



> I’m starting to feel ugly and unloveable, is that normal?


Yes. This, too, shall pass.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes time to recover and people vary. Some bounce back quickly. Others do not. Hopefully, you will be one who does but be prepared to have to work at it. The best way to start is to stop contacting him.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Openminded said:


> It takes time to recover and people vary. Some bounce back quickly. Others do not. Hopefully, you will be one who does but be prepared to have to work at it. The best way to start is to stop contacting him.


@Openminded, I'm asking because I don't know. Is this situation good for a 180?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sfort said:


> @Openminded, I'm asking because I don't know. Is this situation good for a 180?


That’s a good question. The answer is probably yes. I didn’t do the 180 because I didn’t know it existed then but I ended up doing some of it just because it was the logical thing to do.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Don't make absolute statements. It may happen again, it may not. If it does, you deal with it.
> 
> 
> Yes. This, too, shall pass.


Why not, never going to happen to me ever again. This I am in control of, please don’t say it may happen again or it may not, that’s awful


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why not, never going to happen to me ever again. This I am in control of, please don’t say it may happen again or it may not, that’s awful


It's hard to predict the future. My comment was a simple one that didn't translate very well. If your statement is one of determination, then good for you. I stick by the rest of the comment, though. You will survive this, and you will be happy again. We're pulling for you.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. The mind movies where all you can see is them having sex. The feelings of insecurity and ugliness, the varying emotions from one hour to the next. It will begin to slow down, eventually you won’t see the mind movies all day every day. The panic and anxiety was what I dealt with for 2 weeks... but I was able to have a greater measure of control over those things after the first 2 weeks.

Try not to think about the future in terms of what will or will not happen, dream a future for yourself that would be something you deserve and feel proud of. There doesn’t need to be any man in that dream at all, there is never one in any of mine! For example, I think of myself drinking a cup of hot tea in a plush chair in my new future home, watching birds in the trees outside my window. Having absolute peace. I have many of these mental pictures which I have journaled in great detail and think about regularly. Now they seem like realistic goals instead of dreams. Things I look forward to instead of dreading the future.

It’s ok to hate some of the thoughts that enter your head. Your brain will think some terrible things and imagine horrible pictures, but you can gently try to steer yourself toward peace. 

It seems the mornings are the best time for you, that’s probably a good time to journal what you envision as a life that would bring you great joy. Put down details, smells, sounds, touch... come back to it as often as you need to reread and find comfort there. 

Journaling the dark times is another thing I do, venting every frustration, anger, hatred, all of the horrible emotions I can’t stand feeling. And I will tell you, it helps me. There are some pages with dark psychotic black tornadoes of ink that just say WHY? About 72,900 times. There are a few pages where I wished voodoo magic stuff on the both of the pigs too and cackled with glee. I’m twisted like that.

Anyways those are my suggestions for now. You do sound WAY better than when you first began posting. You have glimmers of righteous anger and glimmers of knowing you’re going to be ok. You will continue to have more and more of these to help you through. Hugs!


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why not, never going to happen to me ever again. This I am in control of, please don’t say it may happen again or it may not, that’s awful


Awful advice.


Sfort said:


> It's hard to predict the future. My comment was a simple one that didn't translate very well. If your statement is one of determination, then good for you. I stick by the rest of the comment, though. You will survive this, and you will be happy again. We're pulling for you.


I have lost it today, I have abused him massively. He’s a twat I hate him for being useless human.


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. The mind movies where all you can see is them having sex. The feelings of insecurity and ugliness, the varying emotions from one hour to the next. It will begin to slow down, eventually you won’t see the mind movies all day every day. The panic and anxiety was what I dealt with for 2 weeks... but I was able to have a greater measure of control over those things after the first 2 weeks.
> 
> Try not to think about the future in terms of what will or will not happen, dream a future for yourself that would be something you deserve and feel proud of. There doesn’t need to be any man in that dream at all, there is never one in any of mine! For example, I think of myself drinking a cup of hot tea in a plush chair in my new future home, watching birds in the trees outside my window. Having absolute peace. I have many of these mental pictures which I have journaled in great detail and think about regularly. Now they seem like realistic goals instead of dreams. Things I look forward to instead of dreading the future.
> 
> ...


O my god, thank you


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m starting to feel ugly and unloveable


Blonde, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL like this. You are not ugly and unlovable -- HE IS THE ONE AT FAULT HERE.
YOU did not cause this -- cheating is 100% on the CHEATER. Just remember that -- HE is at fault, this is NOT your doing.
You will get past this.


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Blonde, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL like this. You are not ugly and unlovable -- HE IS THE ONE AT FAULT HERE.
> YOU did not cause this -- cheating is 100% on the CHEATER. Just remember that -- HE is at fault, this is NOT your doing.
> You will get past this.


I lost my sh*t last night and was very abusive to him. That is it now,


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I lost my sh*t last night and was very abusive to him. That is it now,


Define abusive.

Cheating is abusive.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> I lost my sh*t last night and was very abusive to him. That is it now,


Not surprising you are angry, he deservs it.


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Define abusive.
> 
> Cheating is abusive.


Calling him names telling him I hope in rots in hell.
I need to be able to move forward now I can’t do this anymore any tips on how to do that?


Diana7 said:


> Not surprising you are angry, he deservs it.


please help me, all I achieved was pushing him away even more.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Calling him names telling him I hope in rots in hell.
> I need to be able to move forward now I can’t do this anymore any tips on how to do that?
> 
> please help me, all I achieved was pushing him away even more.


You should be pushing him away. he has done a dreadful thing to you.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Calling him names telling him I hope in rots in hell.
> I need to be able to move forward now I can’t do this anymore any tips on how to do that?
> 
> please help me, all I achieved was pushing him away even more.


That's normal and he'll have to put up with it if he's truly sorry.

I told my ex that he and his ***** could go straight to hell and I don't feel the least bit bad about it.


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's normal and he'll have to put up with it if he's truly sorry.
> 
> I told my ex that he and his *** could go straight to hell and I don't feel the least bit bad about it.


I don’t think he is sorry, just words that come out of his mouth. Today he’s told me, I don’t think I ever want to get back with you, you are controlling. This is because I had a go at him, he actually said to me, you have no idea how I am feeling, I’m struggling and need help, I’m waiting for the doctor to call me, dawn you are getting on my nerves, don’t call me, text me or anything just leave me alone. I 100% know I’m not controlling. Nick has always done what he likes and I have encouraged him. How he can be the way he is shocks me, he’s horrible to me. I just need to be able to get up and life my life just not sure we’re to start. I’m half way through ‘cheaters in a nutshell’ wow.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Blonde1971 Please check out these links:-








UK Council for Psychotherapy | UKCP


The UK Council for Psychotherapy is the leading organisation for psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors in the UK. Alongside offering professional support for our members we regulate the profession and promote access to psychotherapy for all.




www.psychotherapy.org.uk








__





British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy


BACP is the professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. We exist for one simple reason - counselling changes lives




www.bacp.co.uk








__





Find a psychologist - The British Psychological Society







www.bps.org.uk












Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You


Counselling Directory connects you with professional counsellors and therapists near you to help you find the help you need.




www.counselling-directory.org.uk












How to find a therapist


Read our information on how to find a therapist, including through the NHS, charities, at work or private therapists.



www.mind.org.uk












Counselling


Read about counselling, a talking therapy that can help with a range of mental and emotional problems, including stress, anxiety and depression.




www.nhs.uk












Practitioner Details


Search tool to help make sure practitioners are regulated or registered




www.professionalstandards.org.uk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> You see progress and strength? Do you really or just trying to make me feel better? This group has been absolutely brilliant, I am listening to you all, think that’s helping me.


Yes. Even at this early stage you are showing signs of growth and renewed strength. Small signs, but growing signs.

Well, you know what they say?

Rome wasn't built in a day, every cloud has a silver lining, it always darkest before the dawn.

Oh. sorry! Too many helpful old saws, then!

Sorry...







And to every non-Brit, sorry, but that's a famous saying and considered very funny here!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t think he is sorry, just words that come out of his mouth. Today he’s told me, I don’t think I ever want to get back with you, you are controlling. This is because I had a go at him, he actually said to me, you have no idea how I am feeling, I’m struggling and need help, I’m waiting for the doctor to call me, dawn you are getting on my nerves, don’t call me, text me or anything just leave me alone. I 100% know I’m not controlling. Nick has always done what he likes and I have encouraged him. How he can be the way he is shocks me, he’s horrible to me. I just need to be able to get up and life my life just not sure we’re to start. I’m half way through ‘cheaters in a nutshell’ wow.


you know that everything he is saying is a lie right now -- he is trying to justify why he did what he did and turn it all around and blame YOU as being the reason.
Don't bother listening to that anymore.

One place to start -- see a lawyer -- they can help you with the "what" of a divorce.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t think he is sorry, just words that come out of his mouth. Today he’s told me, I don’t think I ever want to get back with you, you are controlling. This is because I had a go at him, he actually said to me, you have no idea how I am feeling, I’m struggling and need help, I’m waiting for the doctor to call me, dawn you are getting on my nerves, don’t call me, text me or anything just leave me alone. I 100% know I’m not controlling. Nick has always done what he likes and I have encouraged him. How he can be the way he is shocks me, he’s horrible to me. I just need to be able to get up and life my life just not sure we’re to start. I’m half way through ‘cheaters in a nutshell’ wow.


Yeah....he's absolutely not sorry. Everything is about him. 

It's right out if the cheaters handbook...it's your fault they cheated and the problem isn't that they cheated.....it's your reaction to it. Ridiculous.

He's currently throwing a tantrum, but don't be surprised if he cycles through rage, love bombing, and pity as he looks for something that works on you.

You'll be far better off without this guy....you just need time away from him. His issues aren't your problem.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. Even at this early stage you are showing signs of growth and renewed strength. Small signs, but growing signs.
> 
> Well, you know what they say?
> 
> ...


Dawn is my real name.


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Dawn is my real name.


And am I really? Tell me what they are please


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah....he's absolutely not sorry. Everything is about him.
> 
> It's right out if the cheaters handbook...it's your fault they cheated and the problem isn't that they cheated.....it's your reaction to it. Ridiculous.
> 
> ...


Yes I am starting to believe it, I know it has been a week and 2 days since I found out but today is the first day it feels real, if you get me?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did you read the 180 link?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes I am starting to believe it, I know it has been a week and 2 days since I found out but today is the first day it feels real, if you get me?


I do. I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut when I found the communications my ex had with his ex gf. I so wanted the guy I thought was trustworthy back and I spent months trying to get him to deal with it (he refused...it was of course my fault that he was so miserable).

Eventually I realized I'd never trust him again and the trustworthy guy I thought I had never existed. I realized he wasn't bringing that much to the table so I divorced him.

I'm almost 3 years out and I'm so much happier without him. I have a lovely bf that has faults but isn't shady. My ex had glaring red flags from the beginning and I should've known he wasn't trustworthy, but I ignored them. Never again will I ignore red flags.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

karole said:


> Did you read the 180 link?


Yes I did, but it’s only today that I feels real. I won’t contact ever again


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I do. I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut when I found the communications my ex had with his ex gf. I so wanted the guy I thought was trustworthy back and I spent months trying to get him to deal with it (he refused...it was of course my fault that he was so miserable).
> 
> Eventually I realized I'd never trust him again and the trustworthy guy I thought I had never existed. I realized he wasn't bringing that much to the table so I divorced him.
> 
> I'm almost 3 years out and I'm so much happier without him. I have a lovely bf that has faults but isn't shady. My ex had glaring red flags from the beginning and I should've known he wasn't trustworthy, but I ignored them. Never again will I ignore red flags.


Well I will not be seeing him anytime soon, what red flags was there? If you don’t mind me asking


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you mean he actually had the cheek to say that HE is struggling and needs help? Wow. So he cheats, lies and betrays you and HE needs help? 
You couldn't make it up.☹


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you mean he actually had the cheek to say that HE is struggling and needs help? Wow. So he cheats, lies and betrays you and HE needs help?
> You couldn't make it up.☹


Yes all true. I’m now in true realization only taken me a week and 2 days. I know it’s over completely. I just need to get going within myself, so no more, nothing I can do, out of my hands now, long as he does not screw me money wise, I’m done with him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes all true. I’m now in true realization only taken me a week and 2 days. I know it’s over completely. I just need to get going within myself, so no more, nothing I can do, out of my hands now, long as he does not screw me money wise, I’m done with him.


Be proud of yourself -- there are MANY who don't make that realization for months (or even years).


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Be proud of yourself -- there are MANY who don't make that realization for months (or even years).


Really? Why not? He’s done me a favor by being nasty to me. I just had some pizza with my boys! Incredible, only had half a slice and feel bloated.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Well I will not be seeing him anytime soon, what red flags was there? If you don’t mind me asking


Not at all.

In my ex's case it was clear early on that he had poor boundaries and I wasn't going to be his priority. His ex wife and snotty grown daughter came first....he put his ex wife's feelings before mine a number of times.

He also talked a lot about ex gf's in really inappropriate ways. He did it to make Mr feel less than.....he was quite a bit older and very jealous of my youth. He was a master of doing and saying ****ty/shady things and then playing dumb.

He also never really integrated himself into my life. We weren't friends on social media, which I used to think was no big deal. But it was never about the social media....it was him keeping me separate from his life. He would refer to his friends as "my friend so and so" because they never became couple friends thanks to him keeping his life separate.

Things are usually clear in hindsight. I should've payed attention at the time but I was at a different place in my life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Really? Why not? He’s done me a favor by being nasty to me. I just had some pizza with my boys! Incredible, only had half a slice and feel bloated.


Some people crumble under the nastiness and start trying to placate the bully.

Kudos to you for not doing that. He can be nasty to someone else. Feel bad for his next victim.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Be proud of yourself -- there are MANY who don't make that realization for months (or even years).


Well we will see, I know 100% I don’t want to know what he is up to. I hope he does damage to himself but probably won’t, he will damage someone else. Don’t know what this ****ty life holds for me but I am willing to do it. **** him and I dislike the man, he weak, no back bone


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> Dawn is my real name.


That's a beautiful name.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Well we will see, I know 100% I don’t want to know what he is up to. I hope he does damage to himself but probably won’t, he will damage someone else. Don’t know what this **ty life holds for me but I am willing to do it. ** him and I dislike the man, he weak, no back bone


Ha ha...the fact that you're already saying **** him tells me you're tough and will ne ok.

It took me months to get my friend to say that about her scumbag ex 🤣


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Well we will see, I know 100% I don’t want to know what he is up to. I hope he does damage to himself but probably won’t, he will damage someone else. Don’t know what this ****ty life holds for me but I am willing to do it. Fuc*k him and I dislike the man, he weak, no back bone


No longer can he dictate to me what I should and should not be doing.


MattMatt said:


> That's a beautiful name.


thank you. I haven’t heard that word ‘beautiful’ for such a long time. When Nick and I was together, people used to give me many compliments when we were out, Nick used to say to me, I’m so lucky to be with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Blonde1971 It might be best to keep your real names hidden on an open forum?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Blonde1971 It might be best to keep your real names hidden on an open forum?


Why? It’s just Dawn


lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha...the fact that you're already saying **** him tells me you're tough and will ne ok.
> 
> It took me months to get my friend to say that about her scumbag ex 🤣


nothing else can hurt me now. I don’t want to know anymore details, I don’t want to know where he is, what he’s doing, I’m sick and I am tired, given that bloke the best of me for 22 years. He deserves nothing other than misery. I am going to just try my very best to get on with my everyday life and stop thinking about what we used to do together. By the weekend it will be 2 weeks that we have been apart. If I get to 21 days apart, I will know I have made it. Then I will ruin him


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why? It’s just Dawn
> 
> nothing else can hurt me now. I don’t want to know anymore details, I don’t want to know where he is, what he’s doing, I’m sick and I am tired, given that bloke the best of me for 22 years. He deserves nothing other than misery. I am going to just try my very best to get on with my everyday life and stop thinking about what we used to do together. By the weekend it will be 2 weeks that we have been apart. If I get to 21 days apart, I will know I have made it. Then I will ruin him


Don't take any action without clearing it with a solicitor.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Don't take any action without clearing it with a solicitor.


I’m not getting a solicitor or should I? I am entitled to half his pension? Do I need to get on and do something?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> If I get to 21 days apart, I will know I have made it. Then I will ruin him


You go, girl! Bring it on!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, one reason for changing your name in this thread is that if you used his real first name (can’t remember if you did) and your real first name, you might end up with people you know reading about it — but maybe that’s not a problem?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m not getting a solicitor or should I? I am entitled to half his pension? Do I need to get on and do something?


People often become unreasonable when money’s involved so you probably should run it by a solicitor just to be safe. You never know what he might do when this gets real.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Well, one reason for changing your name in this thread is that if you used his real first name (can’t remember if you did) and your real first name, you might end up with people you know reading about it — but maybe that’s not a problem?


Truly, I do not care. I’m Dawn, he’s Nick, Nick is a coward and spineless. He has hurt me beyond belief. I want him to suffer badly


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> Truly, I do not care. I’m Dawn, he’s Nick, Nick is a coward and spineless. He has hurt me beyond belief. I want him to suffer badly


There's plenty of time for that. Worry about YOU right now.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> Truly, I do not care. I’m Dawn, he’s Nick, Nick is a coward and spineless. He has hurt me beyond belief. I want him to suffer badly


Please don't go beyond your first names. Nothing that could be used to identify either of you. Not just for yourselves, but it also helps to preserve the safety of this forum. People here don't want others to come in thinking their might be clues to identity. Actual first names would be a clue. Thanks!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Calling him names telling him I hope in rots in hell.
> I need to be able to move forward now I can’t do this anymore any tips on how to do that?
> 
> please help me, all I achieved was pushing him away even more.


This is very typical. It's the only time in my life where I felt I didn't have control over myself, over my anger. It scared me. If you need to vent, and I understand speak the truth, the truth is much better then names anyway. Kill him with the truth of what he did.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blonde1971 said:


> Really? Why not? He’s done me a favor by being nasty to me. I just had some pizza with my boys! Incredible, only had half a slice and feel bloated.


OP you strike me as pretty strong. Like I said in your earlier posts this is going to serve you well.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> No she is 36, single with a 7 year old and she is constantly chasing him since he finished it. I would give anything right now to stop the thoughts of him have sex with her.
> He said to me the reason he couldn’t get an erect ion with me was because of all the tablets he was taking. See now I need to stop this as I get very panicked and my chest hurts and I go into free fall. Memory blocker is what I need.


It may not seem like it now but she is broken and he is a liar and cheat. They are made for each other. Please please do not engage in the pick me dance. You must take control of your own life and go scorched earth on his ass. Start doing a hard 180. No communication with him at all. Join a support group as indicated earlier.
Get a good bull dog lawyer. You will survive this and come out much stronger.

If he wants to come back do you really want him?
Then he needs to do many things
1. write a no contact letter
2. Give you a clear timeline of the cheating, what, when, where
3. Tell his family including your sons what he has done.
4. Give you full and complete access to all his electronic devices, emails, other social media.
5. Be prepared to answer all your questions with full transparency, no resentment, anger, etc
6. Go for MC when the time is right for you and you alone.

He has betrayed you on the deepest level, for that he is scum. You will go through a grieving process, you have to, this is all still very fresh. But taking back control of your own life and your own actions will help you through this. In front of him, show no weakness, set the boundaries. If he will not do the above, then you already know he is not willing to save the marriage and you have to move on. This all sounds counter intuitive but you need to detach from him and focus on action. You think you want him back but when your emotions are settled and the anger sets in, you wont.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> I lost my sh*t last night and was very abusive to him. That is it now,


It is ok to be angry. You will go through a cycle. You have been traumatised, the marriage you knew is over, dead, gone. The grief is intense. Go through it the cycle, be angry, sad, you know you are alive and you will get through it.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Calling him names telling him I hope in rots in hell.
> I need to be able to move forward now I can’t do this anymore any tips on how to do that?
> 
> please help me, all I achieved was pushing him away even more.


No, he is already aware, what you achieved is standing up for yourself, showing him you are not a pushover who will be walked over. Cheaters want to have their bit on the side and a nice compliant wife at home as a soft place to land. Do not let him have that. But better still, no communication, a lawyers letter is better, take the choices out of his hands.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m not getting a solicitor or should I? I am entitled to half his pension? Do I need to get on and do something?


You must get a solicitor. In the UK you can also get free advice from Citizens Advice Burea, but get advice before proceeding, do not leave your financial future in the hands of this scumbag.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t think he is sorry, just words that come out of his mouth. Today he’s told me, I don’t think I ever want to get back with you, you are controlling. This is because I had a go at him, he actually said to me, you have no idea how I am feeling, I’m struggling and need help, I’m waiting for the doctor to call me, dawn you are getting on my nerves, don’t call me, text me or anything just leave me alone. I 100% know I’m not controlling. Nick has always done what he likes and I have encouraged him. How he can be the way he is shocks me, he’s horrible to me. I just need to be able to get up and life my life just not sure we’re to start. I’m half way through ‘cheaters in a nutshell’ wow.


it is amazing how cheaters are all so predictable, what he is saying is straight out of the cheater's script. You are controlling, oh woe is me having to put up with you, I am struggling, I am unwell, etc. etc. Don't believe a word he tells you, set boundaries, stick to them for you, do a hard 180 on his ass and then go see a lawyer, get your ducks in a row asap.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

I read the book, ‘cheating in a nutshell’ in a day and a half, at times it was hard to read and I had to have a break from it. But how true. I feel gutted that he will never change and this is the person he is. How did I miss it.


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Cheaters are very good at hiding things so maybe you didn’t miss it because you were lied to.

Stay strong and get good advice.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I read the book, ‘cheating in a nutshell’ in a day and a half, at times it was hard to read and I had to have a break from it. But how true. I feel gutted that he will never change and this is the person he is. How did I miss it.


You missed it because people like you and I don’t think that way. We don’t even consider the depth of betrayal and lies so it’s unfathomable to us.

How are you doing today?


----------



## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You missed it because people like you and I don’t think that way. We don’t even consider the depth of betrayal and lies so it’s unfathomable to us.
> 
> How are you doing today?


Not too bad, he’s saying to me he wants his wife and family back. I have asked lots of questions about her as I feel it will make me hate him


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Not too bad, he’s saying to me he wants his wife and family back. I have asked lots of questions about her as I feel it will make me hate him


You do need to understand every interaction, even the ones where you degrade or cuss at him, tell him that you care about him. You are essentially giving him exactly what he wants. He gets an ego boost every time you text or talk to him. 

He will say and do anything to keep you talking to him, because he knows he can manipulate you.

So you read one book, you need to read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Start today! She will tell you exactly what to do now.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You do need to understand every interaction, even the ones where you degrade or cuss at him, tell him that you care about him. You are essentially giving him exactly what he wants. He gets an ego boost every time you text or talk to him.
> 
> He will say and do anything to keep you talking to him, because he knows he can manipulate you.
> 
> So you read one book, you need to read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Start today! She will tell you exactly what to do now.


I have order the book it will be here tomorrow.

it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sat here thinking this it, I feel sad, lonely and miserable. I have been trying to keep busy but there’s only so much of meeting friends for coffee and stuff, then you are on your own. I hate, hate what has happened to my life.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have order the book it will be here tomorrow.
> 
> it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sat here thinking this it, I feel sad, lonely and miserable. I have been trying to keep busy but there’s only so much of meeting friends for coffee and stuff, then you are on your own. I hate, hate what has happened to my life.


I understand. Im almost 1 year from finding out... and I hate what happened to mine too... but I’m also glad that I know now. Glad that I’m not living a lie, at least it’s authentic.

Exercise. Start something new you’ve always wanted to do. Did you find a counselor?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I understand. Im almost 1 year from finding out... and I hate what happened to mine too... but I’m also glad that I know now. Glad that I’m not living a lie, at least it’s authentic.
> 
> Exercise. Start something new you’ve always wanted to do. Did you find a counselor?


18 week waiting list for a councilor


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> 18 week waiting list for a councilor


Thats pretty crappy. It’s a shame there isn’t the services available when they are really needed.

So what are you leaning toward right now? Are you thinking of letting him return home with you?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Thats pretty crappy. It’s a shame there isn’t the services available when they are really needed.
> 
> So what are you leaning toward right now? Are you thinking of letting him return home with you?


No, I have completely deleted him from my phone, everything. He’s out of my life.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> No, I have completely deleted him from my phone, everything. He’s out of my life.


Wow! YOU GO GIRL! Damn. I’m actually really impressed with you right now.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Wow! YOU GO GIRL! Damn. I’m actually really impressed with you right now.


Don’t be, I can’t do it anymore, not going to take tablets as people can stop you. I’m done.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Don’t be, I can’t do it anymore, not going to take tablets as people can stop you. I’m done.


Ok you’re doing that thing again where you say scary things about ending your life and it’s not ok.

You have more value as a person and as a woman than what this prick did to you. You have value as a mother and a friend and a person. You don’t have the right to decide that you get to check out. You have a responsibility to your kids to live and find happiness again.

Stop it right now. You need to seek emergency services for your mental health. I highly doubt there is a wait list for suicidal people.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Ok you’re doing that thing again where you say scary things about ending your life and it’s not ok.
> 
> You have more value as a person and as a woman than what this prick did to you. You have value as a mother and a friend and a person. You don’t have the right to decide that you get to check out. You have a responsibility to your kids to live and find happiness again.
> 
> Stop it right now. You need to seek emergency services for your mental health. I highly doubt there is a wait list for suicidal people.


No


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, I really hope you're not thinking of offing yourself over a piece of crap like him.

He's so not worth it, and it gives him a ton of power he doesn't deserve.

Take a deep breath....you can survive this and thrive!


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, I really hope you're not thinking of offing yourself over a piece of crap like him.
> 
> He's so not worth it, and it gives him a ton of power he doesn't deserve.
> 
> Take a deep breath....you can survive this and thrive!


No


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Well. Again. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know you and know that you will be missed and your children crushed without you.

You know you could vent your feelings here to people who understand, instead of shutting down and internalizing more.

I’m still holding out hope for you.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

There is more to life, to your life, than just a romantic relationship.... Don't revolve your entire existence around another romantic partner.... I also learned this the very hard way as you and many others.
Find your passion in life, what do you like to do, accomplish, career, hobby, anything.... That needs to be your focus now.

From my experience The most helpful and fulfilling thing for me was to help others that had it much worse than I did......knowing that YOU can make a big difference in someone else's life is incredibly rewarding and uplifting..... Trust me on that, helping that needy child, elderly, disabled or even abused pets brought me totally out of the betrayal funk..... Because I got to realize we don't come into this world to find the elusive perfect love and procreate.... No, we come into this world to help each other, and to leave this world just a bit better than we came into it. 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde, please, for God's sake, listen to what everyone here is telling you. You're life is not over. In fact, you have MUCH better times still ahead of you! This is your "do-over". You now have a unique opportunity to move your life in a direction that you may have dreamed of but, logistically couldn't before now.. There will be other men. You can't see that right now, but some guy is going to come along and blow you away with love, romance and companionship. You will get to experience all of that! And a few years from now, you are going to look back on this ****show and think "thank God I am out of that!!!!". I know it's almost impossible to see right now. But offing yourself (if that is what you are thinking) is indescribably worse than what you are currently suffering through. And, you will make your kids suffer even worse! So, keep posting here. Keep talking to us and let us know that you are ok. In the meantime, pack a bag and head out to Dartmoor (such a beautiful place) and stay at a B&B. Do some hiking. Listen to the birds and the wind. 

Your life is NOT over.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Well. Again. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know you and know that you will be missed and your children crushed without you.
> 
> You know you could vent your feelings here to people who understand, instead of shutting down and internalizing more.
> 
> I’m still holding out hope for you.


I would not


Rushwater said:


> Blonde, please, for God's sake, listen to what everyone here is telling you. You're life is not over. In fact, you have MUCH better times still ahead of you! This is your "do-over". You now have a unique opportunity to move your life in a direction that you may have dreamed of but, logistically couldn't before now.. There will be other men. You can't see that right now, but some guy is going to come along and blow you away with love, romance and companionship. You will get to experience all of that! And a few years from now, you are going to look back on this ****show and think "thank God I am out of that!!!!". I know it's almost impossible to see right now. But offing yourself (if that is what you are thinking) is indescribably worse than what you are currently suffering through. And, you will make your kids suffer even worse! So, keep posting here. Keep talking to us and let us know that you are ok. In the meantime, pack a bag and head out to Dartmoor (such a beautiful place) and stay at a B&B. Do some hiking. Listen to the birds and the wind.
> 
> Your life is NOT over.


well it’s morning. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself today. You are right, I don’t see any kind of future for me. I know that I am hurting my boys but I can’t control my feelings can’t get a grip, I want to snap out of this, feel like I’m waiting for my turning point that doesn’t seem to be getting close


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> I would not
> 
> well it’s morning. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself today. You are right, I don’t see any kind of future for me. I know that I am hurting my boys but I can’t control my feelings can’t get a grip, I want to snap out of this, feel like I’m waiting for my turning point that doesn’t seem to be getting close


Blonde1971 This WILL get better. Something I learned as a teenager who struggled with depression stuck with me, and I will give the advice to you: Don't make ANY big decisions when you're depressed.

The state of mind you are in will not last long, even though it is painful. You will be a better person after coming through this.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Blonde1971 This WILL get better. Something I learned as a teenager who struggled with depression stuck with me, and I will give the advice to you: Don't make ANY big decisions when you're depressed.
> 
> The state of mind you are in will not last long, even though it is painful. You will be a better person after coming through this.


I hope so, I truly hope you are right.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> I hope so, I truly hope you are right.


He is.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> I hope so, I truly hope you are right.


Ask anyone on here who has been through this, and they will tell you - your life will be so much better after this brief trauma. It will be.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Ask anyone on here who has been through this, and they will tell you - your life will be so much better after this brief trauma. It will be.


I would like to just see a small glimmer of that to push me forward.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Blonde1971 said:


> I would like to just see a small glimmer of that to push me forward.


What is your biggest fear?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> What is your biggest fear?


Hearing he is in another relationship. My future, which I can’t see yet. I want to share my life with a person and not in my own, I have so much love to give and I am the sort of person who needs to receive it back, it makes everything we do in life worth it, having someone to share love, passion and sad times. I soppy I know


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Blonde1971 said:


> Hearing he is in another relationship. My future, which I can’t see yet. I want to share my life with a person and not in my own, I have so much love to give and I am the sort of person who needs to receive it back, it makes everything we do in life worth it, having someone to share love, passion and sad times. I soppy I know


So what will stop you from finding that? It won’t happen with him. You know deep down you won’t get over what he has done so it’s time to realize there is true potential of that in the future with someone new.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Hearing he is in another relationship. My future, which I can’t see yet. I want to share my life with a person and not in my own, I have so much love to give and I am the sort of person who needs to receive it back, it makes everything we do in life worth it, having someone to share love, passion and sad times. I soppy I know


Well right now give all that love to yourself.... For now, indulge on things you like.... I mean, come on, you can't tells us your entire life revolves around loving one person and nothing else.....are you in therapy for yourself? I ask because I hear you and it sounds you might have some codependency issues, is not to be ashamed of, and I mean this in the kindest way. 

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

and please understand this grief you are experiencing right now is purely the result of chemical reactions happening in your brain, i know it sounds pointless, but is good to understand whats actually happening under the hood.....Love is a pleasurable feeling we become attached to, the brain sources dopamine via enhanced reuptake across the dopamirgenic pathways (this pathway give you pleasant feelings, salience, desire, etc)......
so essentially whats happening to you now is very similar to a precipitated drug withdrawal that a person with a drug addiction goes thru when they suddenly stop. Your neural cleft are no longer re-uptaking the dopamine because complex processes in the prefrontal cortex, and the removal of your source of love, are no longer there, so now that dopamirgenic pathway is not as active, and your neurons are screaming for the dopamine they were used to having, so now you start the grief process and and depression kicks in......making you feel miserable.
BUT this has to happen this way!!! is the way for your brain to heal and reach neurotransmitter balance and bring back homeostasis (normalcy) to your brain.
I know this medical brain science babble is probably not anything you care to hear about now, but just please understand what you are enduring is totally normal and part of a good and proven healing process, and its giving your brain a better muscle to deal with the future....so like the saying goes "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" is very true


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Well right now give all that love to yourself.... For now, indulge on things you like.... I mean, come on, you can't tells us your entire life revolves around loving one person and nothing else.....are you in therapy for yourself? I ask because I hear you and it sounds you might have some codependency issues, is not to be ashamed of, and I mean this in the kindest way.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


Yes of course I know you do. I do have codependency issues. Waiting time to get any sort of therapy here is minimum 18 weeks and can’t afford to go private.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes of course I know you do. I do have codependency issues. Waiting time to get any sort of therapy here is minimum 18 weeks and can’t afford to go private.


Are you on the waiting list?

In the mean time, continue asking here and accepting what you're told. There are many people here who are as good as or better than professional counselors. Some may even be professional counselors. The only reason they're here is to try to help ease others' pain. It takes a little time to weed through the responses to differentiate which ones are best, but it's worth the trouble.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Are you on the waiting list?
> 
> In the mean time, continue asking here and accepting what you're told. There are many people here who are as good as or better than professional counselors. Some may even be professional counselors. The only reason they're here is to try to help ease others' pain. It takes a little time to weed through the responses to differentiate which ones are best, but it's worth the trouble.


How can I get through the codependent thing?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> How can I get through the codependent thing?


Start with the book, "Codependent No More". It will keep your mind busy, answer some questions for you, and give you hope. 









Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Amazon.co.uk: Melody Beattie: 2015894864025: Books


Buy Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself 2nd by Melody Beattie (ISBN: 2015894864025) from Amazon's Book Store. Everyday low prices and free delivery on eligible orders.



www.amazon.co.uk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Hearing he is in another relationship. My future, which I can’t see yet. I want to share my life with a person and not in my own, I have so much love to give and I am the sort of person who needs to receive it back, it makes everything we do in life worth it, having someone to share love, passion and sad times. I soppy I know


So what if he is? You know better then anyone what kind of scumbag the new woman is getting.

Pity her and celebrate that you are free of that. These days the thought of my ex with someone else makes me feel happy for him but sad for her....I know what she has to put up with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Are you on the waiting list?
> 
> In the mean time, continue asking here and accepting what you're told. There are many people here who are as good as or better than professional counselors. Some may even be professional counselors. The only reason they're here is to try to help ease others' pain. It takes a little time to weed through the responses to differentiate which ones are best, but it's worth the trouble.


Absolutely. Nobody here gets paid and nobody here has an agenda beyond helping others.

And so many of us have been through similar.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Hearing he is in another relationship. My future, which I can’t see yet. I want to share my life with a person and not in my own, I have so much love to give and I am the sort of person who needs to receive it back, it makes everything we do in life worth it, having someone to share love, passion and sad times. I soppy I know


It's OK to be soppy. How are you doing right now, Blonde? Seeing that you have "so much love to give" tells me that you are going to have no problem finding a bloke that will return that love in spades. Your husband is like zombie on The Walking Dead. He has been bitten and has turned. He ain't coming back. And even if he did, do you want to live with a rotting corpse? I mean really. Do you want to be with someone that can so easily do this to his wife and children? Screw that. Lifeistooshort was precisely correct when she said "Pity her and celebrate that you are free of that", regarding any potential other woman that your WH might end up with. How long until he does the same thing to her? Cheaters keep cheating. Shake this rat from your neck. You will survive this. You will find happiness again, and it will be so much better!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes of course I know you do. I do have codependency issues. Waiting time to get any sort of therapy here is minimum 18 weeks and can’t afford to go private.


Blonde what about online counselling?


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## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

Hi Blondie,

I just wanted to stop by and tell you...you deserve more. Those of us who have endured this particular betrayal and pain, always have a hard time focusing on ourselves. Most importantly, the pain will pass, slowly buy surely. Being scared about a "new normal" will give you strength where you need it. And focusing on you, will help you move past this. 

My wife of 14 years did the same thing. Met a customer at the bank where she worked...and off she went. I never thought the pain would go away, it has, little by little. Hang in there...take care of you...and follow your instinct on what to do. 

Good Luck!
Jon


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Bigjalann said:


> Hi Blondie,
> 
> I just wanted to stop by and tell you...you deserve more. Those of us who have endured this particular betrayal and pain, always have a hard time focusing on ourselves. Most importantly, the pain will pass, slowly buy surely. Being scared about a "new normal" will give you strength where you need it. And focusing on you, will help you move past this.
> 
> ...


So much has happened since I was last on here. He tried to kill himself. I found him in a lay by semi conscious. I called an ambulance they took him into hospital for a few days and somehow he has ended back in the house with me. I don’t know what to do, I feel like he has invaded me and that I am supposed to look after him through his dark days. Advice please, I have been doing so good on my own


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> So much has happened since I was last on here. He tried to kill himself. I found him in a lay by semi conscious. I called an ambulance they took him into hospital for a few days and somehow he has ended back in the house with me. I don’t know what to do, I feel like he has invaded me and that I am supposed to look after him through his dark days. Advice please, I have been doing so good on my own


Everything is so emotionally charged right now. Does he have family you can tell and ask him to go stay with them? You need to emotionally detach, so sleep in a separate room etc. He needs counselling, insist that he gets it but you have to lay down boundaries so you do not get sucked into his drama. Start to go out, do more for yourself, make sure you have a support network of friends.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> So much has happened since I was last on here. He tried to kill himself. I found him in a lay by semi conscious. I called an ambulance they took him into hospital for a few days and somehow he has ended back in the house with me. I don’t know what to do, I feel like he has invaded me and that I am supposed to look after him through his dark days. Advice please, I have been doing so good on my own


Ok what his story. Why would you find him passed out if you weren’t living together? Did he call you and tell you what he was doing so that you would find and save him?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

aine said:


> Everything is so emotionally charged right now. Does he have family you can tell and ask him to go stay with them? You need to emotionally detach, so sleep in a separate room etc. He needs counselling, insist that he gets it but you have to lay down boundaries so you do not get sucked into his drama. Start to go out, do more for yourself, make sure you have a support network of friends.


He came out of hospital last night and begged to come here, we did not sleep in the same room. Yes he starts counseling on Monday. I do go out lots now, he is asking if he can come with me, I don’t want to look after him through his dark days, I feel I am coming out the other side and although it’s still painful what he did, I am coping so much better. Strangely I do not want to talk to him about anything that has happened, I have heard enough and don’t need anymore information to be honest. Is this weird?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Not surprising that it's become all about him.

This guy is highly manipulative and you need to get rid of him. You will never be able to heal because it will always be about him and his wants and needs. If you don't accommodate him he'll kill himself.

Get rid of him...he is not your problem.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Not surprising that it's become all about him.
> 
> This guy is highly manipulative and you need to get rid of him. You will never be able to heal because it will always be about him and his wants and needs. If you don't accommodate him he'll kill himself.
> 
> Get rid of him...he is not your problem.


I just had a look at his phone, he was in the room too and he lost his temper started shouting at me, told me to F off, then broke down crying saying he was sorry.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I just had a look at his phone, he was in the room too and he lost his temper started shouting at me, told me to F off, then broke down crying saying he was sorry.


This is your life with him. You're the marriage police to a manipulative scumbag

Eventually he'll assault you before he cries and apologizes. This is pretty typical of a manipulative abuser.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is your life with him. You're the marriage police to a manipulative scumbag
> 
> Eventually he'll assault you before he cries and apologizes. This is pretty typical of a manipulative abuser.


Why have I not seen this before been with him for 22 years??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why have I not seen this before been with him for 22 years??


He's desperate and falling apart because he didn't expect consequences.

Prior to this he had a nice deal where he had a wife and home and side pieces his wife didn't know about.

Now he's exposed for who he is and he has to face consequences. He's always been selfish...it's just really obvious now.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> He's desperate and falling apart because he didn't expect consequences.
> 
> Prior to this he had a nice deal where he had a wife and home and side pieces his wife didn't know about.
> 
> Now he's exposed for who he is and he has to face consequences. He's always been selfish...it's just really obvious now.


God I have wasted so much time with him, it’s like he’s had a personality transplant. I didn’t see it before but now I see. He will try his best to ruin me and hurt me more.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> God I have wasted so much time with him, it’s like he’s had a personality transplant. I didn’t see it before but now I see. He will try his best to ruin me and hurt me more.


Plus right, why did he not expect consequences?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Plus right, why did he not expect consequences?


Cheaters never do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> God I have wasted so much time with him, it’s like he’s had a personality transplant. I didn’t see it before but now I see. He will try his best to ruin me and hurt me more.


Of course he will because he's selfish and doesn't give a **** about you.

Everything is about him.....you now have a good look at who he's always been.

I understand....I remember the moment my rose colored glasses came off with my ex and I realized that my 13 years with him wasn't what I thought. He'd hidden who he was and I ignored red flags.

To this day my ex, who is hugely image conscious, would be mortified if he knew anyone knew about his ex gf (who he kept on the side our entire 13 years). I'm sure every time he sees someone who knows me he wonders if they know what a piece of **** he is.

Hint: a lot of people know.

I think you have to grey rock this guy. Eventually you won't care what he does or thinks so his ability to hurt you will be limited. But it is a process....I went through it too.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course he will because he's selfish and doesn't give a **** about you.
> 
> Everything is about him.....you now have a good look at who he's always been.
> 
> ...


What does grey rock mean? He’s gone to do some food shopping, what should I say when he gets back bearing in mind he lost his s**t this morning. Any advice would be good right now please


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why did he get angry about the phone and do you know what led to the suicide attempt? Did the other woman kick him out?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Why did he get angry about the phone and do you know what led to the suicide attempt? Did the other woman kick him out?


He finished it with the other woman when he got found out, he’s been staying with his son. He got angry because he thought I might of seen emails from her to him and him to her, he got very angry. Suicide attempt because he says he feels like he’s let everybody down and is a failure and for all the pain he has caused. Anyway I spoke with him 30 minutes ago and said he needs to sort his mental health out and to go back and stay with his son. That did not go well, he got angry with me, said that he needed my help and that he doesn’t want any contact from me. That’s fine by me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> I just had a look at his phone, he was in the room too and he lost his temper started shouting at me, told me to F off, then broke down crying saying he was sorry.


As other posters said, time to kick his ass out. He cheats on you, manipulates you and abuses you. Kick him to the kerb where he belongs.
he is selfish scum. Tell him to go back to the OW as you don’t want him back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he’s let everyone down. Yes, he’s a failure. But that’s for him to sort and not you. He expected to slide right back into your life, no questions asked. Don’t let him or nothing will change — not for the better anyway.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> He finished it with the other woman when he got found out, he’s been staying with his son. He got angry because he thought I might of seen emails from her to him and him to her, he got very angry. Suicide attempt because he says he feels like he’s let everybody down and is a failure and for all the pain he has caused. Anyway I spoke with him 30 minutes ago and said he needs to sort his mental health out and to go back and stay with his son. That did not go well, he got angry with me, said that he needed my help and that he doesn’t want any contact from me. That’s fine by me.


There you go. Assuming he even did end it, which he may not have (thus the tantrum over you seeing his phone), this is all about damage control, image management, and no consequences for him. It's a common deflection tactic when one doesn't want to deal with an issue....they create a diverse to shift your attention.

When my mom didn't want to deal with something she'd resort to how she must be stupid and a terrible person, so you were supposed to shift to assurimg her she wasn't a terrible person.

This guy goes right for suicide. Want answers and accountability from him? He'll kill himself. Want to look at his phone? He'll kill himself.

I can almost guarantee he hasn't ended anything. Why would he still need to delete texts unless they're ongoing?

Grey rock means you don't engage him at all and don't communicate beyond bare minimum. If he's gone that's not an issue.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> There you go. Assuming he even did end it, which he may not have (thus the tantrum over you seeing his phone), this is all about damage control, image management, and no consequences for him. It's a common deflection tactic when one doesn't want to deal with an issue....they create a diverse to shift your attention.
> 
> When my mom didn't want to deal with something she'd resort to how she must be stupid and a terrible person, so you were supposed to shift to assurimg her she wasn't a terrible person.
> 
> ...


Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?


Why else would he go off the deep end over you looking at his phone? If he's done with her he simply deletes everything and it's done. If it's ongoing there are always new texts.

It's very common for these cheaters to continue cheating but get better at hiding it. 

Think about it. He didn't confess...he got caught. If he hadn't been caught he'd still be happily be ****ing his *****. So his tantrum has nothing to do with who he let down....it's that he got caught and there are consequences. That's it.

So what would he tell you? That he's still screwing her?

I think it's very likely he's still talking to her. Let her have him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?


Why would you think he did — because he told you so (and wouldn’t lie)?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Why would you think he did — because he told you so (and wouldn’t lie)?


It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.

I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof. 

No response.

From his perspective there was no benefit. If I didn't find out maybe I wouldn't dump him but if I did I absolutely would so where is his incentive to tell the truth?

I dumped him anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.
> 
> I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof.
> 
> ...


My exH was 100% the same. I never got one single thing out of him that I didn’t have proof for and even then he tried to spin it. So, no, I wouldn’t be trusting something that a cheater said they did.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?





lifeistooshort said:


> Why else would he go off the deep end over you looking at his phone? If he's done with her he simply deletes everything and it's done. If it's ongoing there are always new texts.
> 
> It's very common for these cheaters to continue cheating but get better at hiding it.
> 
> ...


I


Openminded said:


> My exH was 100% the same. I never got one single thing out of him that I didn’t have proof for and even then he tried to spin it. So, no, I wouldn’t be trusting something that a cheater said they did.


i bloody hate this. Jesus, I been married to him for 22 years, where the hell has it all gone wrong


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I
> 
> i bloody hate this. Jesus, I been married to him for 22 years, where the hell has it all gone wrong


When he decided to stick sausage in another person. You had no control over that idiotic choice or any other that he is going to make.

Get rid of him for good. You are no longer obligated to do anything for him ever again.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

So sorry you find yourself sucked back into it all.

I am going to sound harsh here so apologies in advance.

Does it matter if he has finished with the OW? My understanding is that you don’t want him back so is not worth worrying about.

This is not your mess to sort out, he put himself in this position to make you feel guilty and to control you. You are so right to want him out of your house and I hope he goes. Please do not let him back in to the house and, if you feel verbally or physically threatened, call the police immediately. You are not being callous by doing this.

Given his unpredictable behaviour, is it worth getting a restraining order? Actually, I’ll rephrase that, please get a restraining order!

Okay, now for the harsh bit, sadly, from family experiences. In my opinion, he had no intention of committing suicide, he wanted the attention, he banked on you or someone finding him. It was selfish and manipulative. You have no responsibility or duty to look after him.

You have done all the hard work in the initial separation. Don’t let him, or others who may pressurise you, spoil this.

Lots of us have been impressed by the way you have conducted yourself through all this and are here to support you.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.
> 
> I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof.
> 
> ...


Blondi, I am so glad that you are doing better than a week ago, and I'm sorry your douche husband is trying so hard to manipulate you. Listen to lifeistooshort as she is giving you excellent advice. Oh, and "going grey rock" is a method to help you disassociate yourself from a manipulative/abusive person and make you less of a target. It works excellent in dealing with narcissists, but in your situation, I think your husband is just selfish cake eater. Either way, here is a link describing the grey rock method:
Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively

Relationships with significant others are a strange beast. You see someone in a certain light and think everything is business as usual and just chalk it up to their personality. And then something bad happens and your eyes are opened to whom you have actually been sharing a life with. This happens very often with people who are married to textbook narcissists.... And when their eyes are opened, they realize that the have been together with a mental robot; someone whom is absolutely incapable of actual selfless love, empathy and sympathy. And they are shocked to discover that the person they have been married to is is actually a complete stranger. It's a real mind blower. 

Again, according to your description, your husband just sounds like an immature, selfish cake eater whom has never really had his sh!t called out on him before. I'm glad your eyes are open and now you can see the futility in staying with him. His problems are not your problems. Your problem is dealing with your emotions and mental state from the damage that he caused. You will be happy again. Shake this rat from your neck. Get him the hell out of your house and away from your life as soon as humanly possible. And when you are finally at a point when you can start meeting new men, you will know what to avoid. You will find a guy who will knock your socks off and you will think it's too good to be true because you have not experienced true two-way love. I am excited for your future!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Don't allow him back in please. He is selfish, controlling, abusive and very very manipulative. I know you need his income to keep your living space. Apparently so does he. He is doing damage control. The affair has not ended. That is why he went ballistic regarding the phone. His cover would have been blown, so he created a distraction by being an abusive Azzhat! He uses push and pull tactics to get you off kilter. I have the real suspicion that he has done this for a very long time. My 2nd X was very good at this. I had no idea what an subtle, yet abusive man was like until I fell in love with my 2nd X. I was fooled and confused with all the rubber band effect he kept pulling on me. Eventually the rubber band broke and I was finally set free. Let him go and rebuild your life without his toxic ways of dealing with relationships. The affair was the rubber band break you needed to set yourself free. Imagine wasting more precious time on a jerk like him. Move on fast. You always deserved better. You just didn't know what you now do.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did the hospital call you or did he call you?

Look his cover has been blown and he’s pulling out the big victim card.

He wasn’t really going to commit suicide, this simply makes you look bad (his plan) and the other woman is probably the one who is also going to blame you, as well as everyone else. Poor him! How bad his marriage must have been for him to want to end his life!!! See how it works?

I had a family member that played this game for 20 years, 20 years I kid you not. It happened every time their behaviour was exposed - and I was the one constantly having to rescue them. One day... I simply called emergency services after a very elaborate description of what they were going to do to themselves. Police arrived to a quiet scene, said person was perfectly fine 😉

I cut contact and never looked back. They ramped it up by then getting the doctors or police to call in crisis times. I simply said not my responsibility, I’ll leave it to the professionals to help.

30 years on, family member is alive and well and I’m the bad guy still. Happy to be the bad guy in everyone’s eyes and my life is beautiful without the drama.

He’s simply trying to punish you for his bad behaviour, he doesn’t actually want you back. He knows you’re getting stronger and stronger he can feel it. Believe me he knows you’re finished. Please keep going.

No discussions with him, no arguments, no reaction. Avoid being home, shut down and keep going forward. Yes he’s going to say you are heartless and you don’t care, it’s all your fault... it’s not. He knows you know everything. Go underground, go quiet, show him zero emotion.

It will shock you how liberating a cold heart can be when you begin to love yourself.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Did the hospital call you or did he call you?
> 
> Look his cover has been blown and he’s pulling out the big victim card.
> 
> ...


O god, I will find that vey hard to do. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m crying my heart out, I am thinking bad thoughts


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> O god, I will find that vey hard to do. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m crying my heart out, I am thinking bad thoughts


The hospital called me to bring him home


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> The hospital called me to bring him home


I thought so, I had a feeling it was this type of situation. You have the right to refuse and really... if he’s there because he’s tried to commit suicide they should be helping him stay.

As I said, I’ve been there. As soon as they come home they’re strangely doing just fine.

Again, it’s the classic dramatic victim game when you start taking back your power. The last few times I simply said, ‘I don’t have contact with this person, I don’t need to know and I’ll leave it to you to help them, please don’t call me any further regarding this person’.

Sadly, we have had several people suicide in the family. In each situation, they were good people. Nobody saw it coming and they left us quietly.

Your situation is different, it’s a violent act to punish YOU. Please see this as an act of violence.

After all, you’re not a mental-health professional, nor are you qualified to rescue people from their naughty behaviours.

I am also sorry to say, but I am pretty certain that if you show him how rattled you are, he’ll go straight back to her very soon. I give it a week.

The dark thoughts and feelings are totally normal. Find yourself a crying time or crying place where he cannot see you. Because you’re going to do this; it’s natural and normal. And then when you do your crying etc, you literally do what Elizabeth Taylor says: ‘Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together’.

Forget the drink part, but I really mean it when I say, put on some lipstick after a good cry. If you can afford it, get yourself to David Jones, pick and upmarket brand and have the ladies find a colour that’s YOU.

It sounds terribly superficial and shallow, but it was recommended to me a long time ago by a psychologist. I literally was forced to look at myself in the mirror and applied that makeup when I felt like death. It became my symbol for power, in a stupid way, like my war paint. I feel great now, but I still make sure I give myself that time to groom and look at myself in the eye and take on the world.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> O god, I will find that vey hard to do. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m crying my heart out, I am thinking bad thoughts


Blonde, he is screwing with your head and heart. He is manipulating you because he is terrified that you are forsaking him. He doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings or needs; only himself. You have got to become immune to his tactics or your pain and suffering are going to go on and on. You know, deep down, that if he gets a foothold back in your life, he will again become complacent and resume his previous behavior without a solitary thought about your feelings and well being. You are nothing but utility to him. Why waist your life on a man who only looks at you like a tool. You are so much more and you deserve so much more. It's time to make your douche, selfish husband the tool, who has long outlasted his usefulness and throw his ass away. Suicide my ass. He's going to extreme lengths to manipulate you. Desperate people do desperate things.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry Blondie, I saw the Union Jack and thought it was the Aussie flag. Not sure what Department Stores you have there, our best one is David Jones. Come on you sassy English Lass, get yourself some lippie love, I’m cheering for you. You’ve done well, put the crazy back where crazy belongs. You’re not crazy, far from it.

You’re going to be amazing, this is going to be a story you will tell one day without the feelings you’re having now.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi Blondie.

You are crying your eyes out at 0120 in the morning. Doesn’t that tell you something about how he is trying to manipulate you?

Lucky lucky is right about suicides. Those who want to die do it very quietly. As we have all said, your husband is manipulating you and, if you take him back after this, will be even more abusive because he knows he can be.

Another option here is to report him to the police if he talks about suicide or self harming again to try and further manipulate you. You can tell them he had already made one suicide attempt, he is threatening another attempt and you are afraid that he will be a danger to himself. They should, if they do their job properly, section him under the mental health acts for evaluation. We have been to a number of mental health units and, believe me, he will not want to return if he is playing games. On the flip side, he will be in exactly the right place to get the help he needs. Either way, you would be helping him so don’t feel guilty.

Sending much love and support


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Harold has some good points, it was also recommended to me to refer them to emergency services and not feel any guilt or play into the manipulation.

The other thing is, a person who is really unwell and suicidal wouldn’t be released so quickly. The staff know the difference. And the person would be too unwell to ask to be released, incoherent or probably screaming to be kept there.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Harold has some good points, it was also recommended to me to refer them to emergency services and not feel any guilt or play into the manipulation.
> 
> The other thing is, a person who is really unwell and suicidal wouldn’t be released so quickly. The staff know the difference. And the person would be too unwell to ask to be released, incoherent or probably screaming to be kept there.


They should of kept him in really. I cannot stand all this drama, it’s not my drama it’s all his. When I read the messages on here and look at what I have put, it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life, I’m sad that our family has been broken, I’m sad cos 22 years and it finishes like this, I cannot believe he is the same man I married and gave my life to. Stupid or not Didnt think I would be going through something like this at my age. I feel lonely for the first time in my life.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> They should of kept him in really. I cannot stand all this drama, it’s not my drama it’s all his. When I read the messages on here and look at what I have put, it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life, I’m sad that our family has been broken, I’m sad cos 22 years and it finishes like this, I cannot believe he is the same man I married and gave my life to. Stupid or not Didnt think I would be going through something like this at my age. I feel lonely for the first time in my life.


Blonde, the loneliness will only be temporary. But you can always log on to TAM and talk to us. But you need to use this time to improve yourself. Exercise. Get back into activities that you used to do when you were younger. After a breakup, it's good to re-learn how to be by yourself and regain your independence. Once you have accomplished that, you will be ready to restart your love life. I know it's almost impossible to see that future, going through what you are currently going through, but it will happen. And you will look back on this, and say to yourself "Thank God I got out of that utter disaster!".


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Blonde, the loneliness will only be temporary. But you can always log on to TAM and talk to us. But you need to use this time to improve yourself. Exercise. Get back into activities that you used to do when you were younger. After a breakup, it's good to re-learn how to be by yourself and regain your independence. Once you have accomplished that, you will be ready to restart your love life. I know it's almost impossible to see that future, going through what you are currently going through, but it will happen. And you will look back on this, and say to yourself "Thank God I got out of that utter disaster!".


I have joined a gym and try to go every other day and swim. I was feeling better until Tuesday when I found him in his car semi conscious. Not been to the gym since. I feel so so peed off, feeling like I am having a massive set back. I mean it’s 11.10am here and I am still in bed, this is not me at all but I just want to be left alone and hide. I cannot believe how much he is hurting me and blaming me for just about everything, it’s like he’s the victim. I need to stop texting him asking how he’s feeling etc. just a habit really. I promise you talking on here really helps me, I feel I am constantly looking to see if anyone is talking and trying to take on the advice.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I have joined a gym and try to go every other day and swim. I was feeling better until Tuesday when I found him in his car semi conscious. Not been to the gym since. I feel so so peed off, feeling like I am having a massive set back. I mean it’s 11.10am here and I am still in bed, this is not me at all but I just want to be left alone and hide. I cannot believe how much he is hurting me and blaming me for just about everything, it’s like he’s the victim. I need to stop texting him asking how he’s feeling etc. just a habit really. I promise you talking on here really helps me, I feel I am constantly looking to see if anyone is talking and trying to take on the advice.


I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking to us, here on TAM. I'm glad to hear that you have been hitting the gym. Exercise can be so therapeutic, both physically and mentally.
But, you need to go gray rock on your husband. You need to stop texting him. Everytime you contact him, you are feeding him hope. You need to crush that hope, so that you can be free. You do not need to worry about him killing himself. It is pure manipulation and you know it. If he really wanted to die, he would be dead. You are do so well, moving forward and I am very happy for you. But, your husband is becoming an anchor and dragging you back down. 

What are your interests/hobbies? Do you live in a big city or out in the country? I've been to the UK many times and find the history fascinating and the moors absolutely beautiful. Are you guys still under lockdown?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking to us, here on TAM. I'm glad to hear that you have been hitting the gym. Exercise can be so therapeutic, both physically and mentally.
> But, you need to go gray rock on your husband. You need to stop texting him. Everytime you contact him, you are feeding him hope. You need to crush that hope, so that you can be free. You do not need to worry about him killing himself. It is pure manipulation and you know it. If he really wanted to die, he would be dead. You are do so well, moving forward and I am very happy for you. But, your husband is becoming an anchor and dragging you back down.
> 
> What are your interests/hobbies? Do you live in a big city or out in the country? I've been to the UK many times and find the history fascinating and the moors absolutely beautiful. Are you guys still under lockdown?
> ...


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

You are having trouble discontinuing communication with him because you all have been together for over 22 years. That is a very long time to be with someone and you must feel a void, knowing that it is over. But, everytime that you contact him, you are prolonging your pain and suffering.... as well as keeping him from moving on from you. I know that reading this gives very little comfort, to you in your current situation. But you are going through one of the most traumatic events that you will endure in your entire life. You must be strong but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. And you will have the excitement of a new life with your destiny entirely in your own hands. You will get to experience new adventures with new people. This is the time to contemplate doing things that you previously did not think were possible. I know it's difficult for you to see, but your life is going to get very exciting in very near future.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> You are having trouble discontinuing communication with him because you all have been together for over 22 years. That is a very long time to be with someone and you must feel a void, knowing that it is over. But, everytime that you contact him, you are prolonging your pain and suffering.... as well as keeping him from moving on from you. I know that reading this gives very little comfort, to you in your current situation. But you are going through one of the most traumatic events that you will endure in your entire life. You must be strong but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. And you will have the excitement of a new life with your destiny entirely in your own hands. You will get to experience new adventures with new people. This is the time to contemplate doing things that you previously did not think were possible. I know it's difficult for you to see, but your life is going to get very exciting in very near future.


God I hope you are right. I feel like I’m going under at the moment. Do you not think there is a way back for him and me?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You found him?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi Blonde 1971. Very happy to talk about anything!

I put up a post (#49) with some suggestions on how to fill empty time which was probably too early in proceedings . Hope it helps.

You are doing the right things, just need the determination to carry on. Why not go to salsa lessons anyway?

Not sure about the solo holiday, may be speak to someone who has done it?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You found him?


Yes semi conscious


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes semi conscious


How?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Openminded said:


> How?


How did I find him? On Tuesday I was working in the office in Bristol, I started to feel not very good by 4 felt like there was a dark cloud come over me, so I went home, couldn’t settle and sometimes when I am feeling like that I go for a drive and play loud music. I was driving up a road I know very well and I saw his car in a layby so I pulled over and that’s how I found him. He had taken all his heart medication, statins, high blood pressure tablets and a packet of paracetamol.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> God I hope you are right. I feel like I’m going under at the moment. Do you not think there is a way back for him and me?


Blondie, why do you still want there to be a way back? Look at what he did to you, then lied the whole time, manipulated you. And now what is he doing? Blaming YOU because he is a jerk. Can you honestly say you WANT him back???

You have got to stop thinking you need this guy to be happy, because he is the opposite of happiness and joy. The reason you keep texting him is because you still have hope that he will become a person that he is not. As long as you have this hope you will not be able to fully let him go.

You admitted you were doing so well! Just keep moving forward in a new life without him, little by little it will become obvious your life is so much better without him. You will get there, one day at a time. Be prepared for more attempts for attention, and be ready to call the police if he does this again. You don’t have the right credentials or profession to save him from himself.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Blondie, why do you still want there to be a way back? Look at what he did to you, then lied the whole time, manipulated you. And now what is he doing? Blaming YOU because he is a jerk. Can you honestly say you WANT him back???
> 
> You have got to stop thinking you need this guy to be happy, because he is the opposite of happiness and joy. The reason you keep texting him is because you still have hope that he will become a person that he is not. As long as you have this hope you will not be able to fully let him go.
> 
> You admitted you were doing so well! Just keep moving forward in a new life without him, little by little it will become obvious your life is so much better without him. You will get there, one day at a time. Be prepared for more attempts for attention, and be ready to call the police if he does this again. You don’t have the right credentials or profession to save him from himself.


I don’t know why I want him back, we were good together and laughed had fun. It’s bank holiday weekend here and I’m just sat by myself like the sorry stupid cow I am. All my friends are married, I just want happiness and joy and I’m not going to find that by myself. I was doing ok but I was speaking with him everyday. He has ghosted me today and I don’t want him to feel happier without me. I’m sick of fighting through every bloody day.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Wow, that is something that you found your husband. You were still connected deeply on some level for that to happen.
You are quite someone Dawn.

Your poor kids.
You have both tried taking your lives haven't you now?
You said that you took pills to ease the pain as well.
Manipulative or genuine, you are both hurting deeply.
I think your husband truly regrets his behaviour.
I would have said that sometimes after a life threatening event like your husband's heart attack, that some people do odd life affirming things, including affairs. But you say his affair started earlier, so I can't give him leeway there.

I suppose statistically the longer you are with someone the higher the chance of infidelity. At this point we don't know if your husband cheated before or not.
A polygraph might help there if you ever wanted to reconcile.

You don't have to make that choice yet, you just have to get through your days anyway you can. You are not clear enough of thought yet to know what you want. It's too soon. 
Couples do reconcile, others never recover.
Don't feel bad or pressurised to choose either route, and don't feel like it has to be decided now.
Have a seperation, like you are now, but with the rule he doesn't see the other woman, and an agreement, if he is still wanting you, that you will meet again in a month to see how you both feel about your relationship now.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> Wow, that is something that you found your husband. You were still connected deeply on some level for that to happen.
> You are quite someone Dawn.
> 
> Your poor kids.
> ...


I know it was as very strange feeling I was having on Tuesday, things like that have happened before to me with my mum, I didn’t usually go done to her house until midday on a Sunday but that Sunday something felt off early in the morning so I went down at 8am on the Sunday and found her died on the sofa.
I just need to find the strength to let him go. I know, my poor boys, this has been the worst time in their lives. I know you are going to say don’t text him yes, how else can I let him go???


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I just need to find the strength to let him go. I know, my poor boys, this has been the worst time in their lives. I know you are going to say don’t text him yes, how else can I let him go???


You both sound co-dependent which makes for a very, VERY unhealthy marriage and requires a ton of therapy just to figure what happened in both your lives (preceding marriage) that caused it. I know the NHS sucks and you have to wait in line for counseling. There are online options, but they are not free. Either way, you will have to address your issues at some point so that your next relationship will not be with a co-dependent person and you in turn will not be co-dependent. 

Have you ever tried counseling in the past? It can actually be quite liberating as you will discover things about yourself that you never previously understood. If your therapist is good, they will equip you with a "toolbox" to help you deal with situations that you previously had no idea how to handle in a healthy, efficient way.

I'm sure I can speak for everyone, here on TAM, that we all want for you to be in a healthy, happy, loving and THRIVING relationship/marriage. 

Yes, we are going to say "don't text him". You will only prolong the pain and suffering for both of you. You start letting him go, by writing down all of things that he has done to you that has made your life miserable. After you make that list, you are going to write down all of the doubts that you are going to have and all of the distrust that you are going to direct at him, if you try to make it work. Then you are going to try to think about what, if anything that your husband would do to improve himself in order to save your marriage (my guess is that you already know that would be a ridiculously short list). Then you make a list of all the things that you are going to do different after the divorce, to better yourself. Then, you keep those lists within arms reach for the next several weeks. And everytime that you feel weakness, you re-read those lists to remind you what is really at stake here and why trying to save this disaster of a marriage is nothing but a ticking time bomb. 

Your drunk, emotional heart wants to remember the good times in order to convince yourself that you should stay with him. But your sober, logical brain is reminding you that the misery is unbearable and exhausting. Marriage is not easy, but 98 out of 100 days, it should be loving, rewarding and beautiful. And you will have that. Be strong and keep your eye on the future!


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> You both sound co-dependent which makes for a very, VERY unhealthy marriage and requires a ton of therapy just to figure what happened in both your lives (preceding marriage) that caused it. I know the NHS sucks and you have to wait in line for counseling. There are online options, but they are not free. Either way, you will have to address your issues at some point so that your next relationship will not be with a co-dependent person and you in turn will not be co-dependent.
> 
> Have you ever tried counseling in the past? It can actually be quite liberating as you will discover things about yourself that you never previously understood. If your therapist is good, they will equip you with a "toolbox" to help you deal with situations that you previously had no idea how to handle in a healthy, efficient way.
> 
> ...


Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
> I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
> I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.


I have heard of the book, and I’ve read it. Very inspirational and has really good tools to think with purpose and positivity.

Maybe your dream is symbolic. That you have the opportunity at some point to meet a person who was once broken but has learned to live his life again given his past. Or maybe the man in the chair represents a future you, that you’ve been hurt in the past but have the opportunity to be whole given those scars, and love yourself. What does the dream feel like to you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?


Of course not, he simply wants to normalise his behaviour, threaten you into accepting his ****ty behaviour with his suicide attempt, anger, etc. Tell him to get out of the house, go to whomever he likes, you are not his nursemaid and will not be helping him get over his terrible character and consequebces of his own actions, esp since he is not the victim, you are. How dare he play victim when he is the perpetrator. Cant you see what he is doing? He is manipulating you. Where is your righteous anger for yourself and his treatment of you?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I have heard of the book, and I’ve read it. Very inspirational and has really good tools to think with purpose and positivity.
> 
> Maybe your dream is symbolic. That you have the opportunity at some point to meet a person who was once broken but has learned to live his life again given his past. Or maybe the man in the chair represents a future you, that you’ve been hurt in the past but have the opportunity to be whole given those scars, and love yourself. What does the dream feel like to you?


Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.


aine said:


> Of course not, he simply wants to normalise his behaviour, threaten you into accepting his ****ty behaviour with his suicide attempt, anger, etc. Tell him to get out of the house, go to whomever he likes, you are not his nursemaid and will not be helping him get over his terrible character and consequebces of his own actions, esp since he is not the victim, you are. How dare he play victim when he is the perpetrator. Cant you see what he is doing? He is manipulating you. Where is your righteous anger for yourself and his treatment of you?


I don’t know where that is. I’m am so **** at this cos I don’t understand


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.


Why did I take so long to speak? Not sure what you mean here. I’m here for you.

Your dream interpretation seems pretty insightful... what does the watch represent? You want to love yourself but you run away from your own love?


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
> I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
> I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.


Yes, there is definitely some symbolism there, but it is difficult for me to sort because I am not you and I know very little about your life. But, yes, the man in the wheel chair is symbolistic. It could represent something that requires sympathy/empathy. It could represent somebody/something that you want to avoid. It could represent something that could drag you back into misery. The watch with the black strap and black heart.... iiiiiiiuuuuuuuckkkkk! Black represents death but you do not need me to tell you that. Geez, you need to be dreaming about a tropical islands, sunsets and Mai Tai's! Go visit St. Mary's on the Isles of Scilly! If you have never been, it is beautiful! Give yourself some new things to dream about. My dreams get crazy and adventorous. A few years ago, I dreamed that myself and Chuck Norris were cops and we raided a drug house. Very cool and crazy dream! Considering where you are coming from, your life is going to get very exciting in the future. And you are going to look back on this mess and be so damned grateful that you are out of it and even wonder how you got into in the first place.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Blonde1971 said:


> Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.
> 
> I don’t know where that is. I’m am so **** at this cos I don’t understand


I have truly had enough of all of this crap. I feel like I’m losing my mind.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Yes, there is definitely some symbolism there, but it is difficult for me to sort because I am not you and I know very little about your life. But, yes, the man in the wheel chair is symbolistic. It could represent something that requires sympathy/empathy. It could represent somebody/something that you want to avoid. It could represent something that could drag you back into misery. The watch with the black strap and black heart.... iiiiiiiuuuuuuuckkkkk! Black represents death but you do not need me to tell you that. Geez, you need to be dreaming about a tropical islands, sunsets and Mai Tai's! Go visit St. Mary's on the Isles of Scilly! If you have never been, it is beautiful! Give yourself some new things to dream about. My dreams get crazy and adventorous. A few years ago, I dreamed that myself and Chuck Norris were cops and we raided a drug house. Very cool and crazy dream! Considering where you are coming from, your life is going to get very exciting in the future. And you are going to look back on this mess and be so damned grateful that you are out of it and even wonder how you got into in the first place.


I don’t feel like I’m ever going to come through this crap. It’s 5.48 in the morning been awake since 4.30 I don’t want to keep fighting another day.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t feel like I’m ever going to come through this crap. It’s 5.48 in the morning been awake since 4.30 I don’t want to keep fighting another day.


I hear you. But each day, that you keep him out of your life is going to get just a little bit better. I know it sucks right now. Did you make your lists? 

Forgive me if you have mentioned this before, but what is your job situation? Do you work, and if so, what type of work do you do?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Good morning. Is there one thing that you can do today that will make you feel good?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> I hear you. But each day, that you keep him out of your life is going to get just a little bit better. I know it sucks right now. Did you make your lists?
> 
> Forgive me if you have mentioned this before, but what is your job situation? Do you work, and if so, what type of work do you do?


Not made my lists, I will do today. I work full time for a well known house builder, I work in the commercial department. One a house is sold I sort out the tiles, carpet, kitchen etc. keeps me busy and I do enjoy it. Wish I could earn more money tho. He works for NHS blood and transplant he’s a facility manager..


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

My daughter would love to have your career. Focus on ways to make more money. It can be done.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> My daughter would love to have your career. Focus on ways to make more money. It can be done.


I am and I will. Thank you


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Have you been in contact with him? Something else I remember, when I wasn’t doing too good, I didn’t like people constantly asking if I was ok. You mentioned you often ask him if he’s ok. This isn’t a criticism at all, it was hard for me to keep reassuring people all the time, and I knew they meant well and cared, but it put a lot of pressure on me to update people when I clearly wasn’t ok! I was rock-bottom and answering people felt like I was giving them hope where there was none.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get him sectioned? He needs professional assistance.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> I
> 
> i bloody hate this. Jesus, I been married to him for 22 years, where the hell has it all gone wrong


He broke it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blonde1971 said:


> Not made my lists, I will do today. I work full time for a well known house builder, I work in the commercial department. One a house is sold I sort out the tiles, carpet, kitchen etc. keeps me busy and I do enjoy it. Wish I could earn more money tho. He works for NHS blood and transplant he’s a facility manager..


Do you do the show homes? You might have done ours! 

Adult colouring books can be very therapeutic. I enjoy them.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How are you doing?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How are you doing?


I’m ok, trying to focus on myself, got some support to help me with drinking alcohol cos it’s actually ruining my relationship with the 2 boys I got at home. Been having counseling and finding stuff out about my self and feels. Emotionally draining. My husband is begging to come back to me. He left his job. All been a bit crazy. I feel like I am swaying towards giving my marriage another chance but I’m still not 100% sure.

how are you?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi. Lots of people will no doubt give you lots of advice but it is your life and I really think you need to do what is right for you, be it divorce, reconciliation or selling everything up and living in a yurt 😁.

One question I would add is how do you know he wouldn’t do it all again?


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m ok, trying to focus on myself, got some support to help me with drinking alcohol cos it’s actually ruining my relationship with the 2 boys I got at home. Been having counseling and finding stuff out about my self and feels. Emotionally draining. My husband is begging to come back to me. He left his job. All been a bit crazy. I feel like I am swaying towards giving my marriage another chance but I’m still not 100% sure.
> 
> how are you?


Oh, Blonde, for the love of all that is Holy, please, DO NOT let him back in!!!! You have already begun the difficult process of moving on with your life and I know its hard.... EXTREMELY hard. Why would you want to go back to square one???? You know, deep down, that this will all happen again. You KNOW IT! And then you will be repeating all of this heartache and emotional dread that you are currently dealing with, all over again! Why do that to yourself? You are only prolonging the inevitable by trying to give it another go. Your husband is such a broken person and requires mental help that you are NOT capable of giving him; especially, because you need help yourself!

I am very glad to hear that you are getting help with the drinking. I've never had a drinking problem, but I have had relationship problems. And whenever I am down in the dumps, I ride my bicycle. A therapist once told me that being in forward motion is therapeutic and comforting and explained that this is why babies enjoy (and fall asleep) while riding in an automobile. And, he was right. So, I began cycling (that was over 30 years ago) and I still ride to this day. Keeps me in shape (physically and mentally)! Go ride a bicycle!

Please drop in here frequently, and let us know what is going on with you. When you want to talk, we will be here for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course he wants back in. He had a great deal with you...a wife and family and a side piece he's probably still got.

Great deal for him....not for you.

I promise you will regret the day you let this guy back. Please don't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When people post a lot and then stop, it usually means they’re about to do something that they know posters are going to tell them not to do because it’s not in their best interest. I think that’s what you are about to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course he wants back in. He had a great deal with you...a wife and family and a side piece he's probably still got.
> 
> Great deal for him....not for you.
> 
> I promise you will regret the day you let this guy back. Please don't.


Quoting in agreement. He doesn’t deserve to come back and you will regret it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Glad to hear you’re getting help for your drinking, that’s great you’re doing something about it. The last think you want is for your relationship with your sons to be affected.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I’m ok, trying to focus on myself, got some support to help me with drinking alcohol cos it’s actually ruining my relationship with the 2 boys I got at home. Been having counseling and finding stuff out about my self and feels. Emotionally draining. My husband is begging to come back to me. He left his job. All been a bit crazy. I feel like I am swaying towards giving my marriage another chance but I’m still not 100% sure.
> 
> how are you?


What’s he doing to ensure he can be a man who deserves to be reconciled with?

Go back and read through your thread beginning to end. Do you really want to go through that again in the future???


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Openminded said:


> When people post a lot and then stop, it usually means they’re about to do something that they know posters are going to tell them not to do because it’s not in their best interest. I think that’s what you are about to do.


Yes you are right in what you are saying. I am seriously thinking of letting him come back. Life is not that great on your own either. I don’t think he would do it again because of the amount of hurt and pain that we have all suffered due to him looking for he did. I will still carry on doing what I am, gym, swimming etc. I know to most of you reading this you think I’m mad, crazy even but I don’t feel ready to let him go, I want to see how sorry he is and if we do have a future. I will keep coming in here as you have all helped me in some way with your words.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

OP, can I ask whether he has a new job, having quit the old one?

Did he actually quit or was he fired because of the relationship?

Does any of the above have any connection to him wanting to come back?

You know your own mind here. You have seen life from the other side whilst separated and you didn’t like it. Well, you gave it a try and you can now say you will make an informed decision. Good luck to you and hope you remember this forum is here for you when you need it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes you are right in what you are saying. I am seriously thinking of letting him come back. Life is not that great on your own either. I don’t think he would do it again because of the amount of hurt and pain that we have all suffered due to him looking for he did. I will still carry on doing what I am, gym, swimming etc. I know to most of you reading this you think I’m mad, crazy even but I don’t feel ready to let him go, I want to see how sorry he is and if we do have a future. I will keep coming in here as you have all helped me in some way with your words.


You have to do what you think is best. After all, we could be wrong. In any case, don't waste your life waiting for a miracle. You're now hopefully better equipped than you were when you got here, so go make it happen. Let us know how it goes.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> Yes you are right in what you are saying. I am seriously thinking of letting him come back. Life is not that great on your own either. I don’t think he would do it again because of the amount of hurt and pain that we have all suffered due to him looking for he did. I will still carry on doing what I am, gym, swimming etc. I know to most of you reading this you think I’m mad, crazy even but I don’t feel ready to let him go, I want to see how sorry he is and if we do have a future. I will keep coming in here as you have all helped me in some way with your words.


This is so sad.

I don’t think you are mad or crazy, I think you are so desperate for a way out of the pain he caused you you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness to make it stop. The really crappy part is the pain doesn't stop when you have him back, because you still remember every day what he was willing to do to you. The two of you are suicidal and codependent. This isn’t going to end well. I hope you will get individual counseling and at least make him start his own counseling before you take his stupid ass back.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> This is so sad.
> 
> I don’t think you are mad or crazy, I think you are so desperate for a way out of the pain he caused you you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness to make it stop. The really crappy part is the pain doesn't stop when you have him back, because you still remember every day what he was willing to do to you. The two of you are suicidal and codependent. This isn’t going to end well. I hope you will get individual counseling and at least make him start his own counseling before you take his stupid ass back.


I don’t think I will know if I 100% want to be with him until I am if you get me? If I don’t think I will feel that sort of pain as I did when I first started posting on here. This will all be on my terms not his and if I don’t feel it’s working, then we will go our separate ways but at least I will know 100% how I feel. Not sure if anyone will understand that. I don’t feel weak, I feel strong. 2 full days without having a drink, my mind feels sharper. To some you will laugh at 2 days without a drink but for me that’s a big deal. Day 3 now, I am working in the office today, I have counseling later and a meeting with a group of people going through the same thing as me, never done anything like this before so I feel nervous.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I don’t think I will know if I 100% want to be with him until I am if you get me? If I don’t think I will feel that sort of pain as I did when I first started posting on here. This will all be on my terms not his and if I don’t feel it’s working, then we will go our separate ways but at least I will know 100% how I feel. Not sure if anyone will understand that. I don’t feel weak, I feel strong. 2 full days without having a drink, my mind feels sharper. To some you will laugh at 2 days without a drink but for me that’s a big deal. Day 3 now, I am working in the office today, I have counseling later and a meeting with a group of people going through the same thing as me, never done anything like this before so I feel nervous.


I think every one of us in this situation understands every feeling you have. It’s absolutely your decision to make, but it’s also our duty to give you advice. It isn’t easier the second time, it isn’t less painful. The pain doesn’t disappear when you get back together. But I hope you keep posting here regardless of your decisions. 

I am so glad you are doing counseling and support groups. I really am proud of you for getting the help you need.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I think every one of us in this situation understands every feeling you have. It’s absolutely your decision to make, but it’s also our duty to give you advice. It isn’t easier the second time, it isn’t less painful. The pain doesn’t disappear when you get back together. But I hope you keep posting here regardless of your decisions.
> 
> I am so glad you are doing counseling and support groups. I really am proud of you for getting the help you need.


It was a massive shock when I found out about the affair and the pain unbearable, what I am trying to say if it doesn’t work out for me, I will be the one walking away and that pain I can hear because it will be my choice. The pain he caused me, not it won’t disappear but has made me stronger. I will keep posting and keep you up to date with everything


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you are considering taking him back - wait at least 6-12 months to see if he can show evidence that he’s earning your trust back.

If he doesn’t understand what he did - and what it takes to repair that damage he caused - he’s not likely to show any actions that are different than when he was cheating on you.

He ruined the trust and put your health at risk. He ruined the family.

Take your time and see if he’s willing to be the one to do the hard work to repair that damage.

Just because he wants to come back doesn’t mean you have to say yes. This is your time to grow and learn about yourself - how to become a strong woman who has a boundary and wants respect from someone who is supposed to love you.

Let him learn how to live in his own and take care of his own crap. You have enough to worry about right now without having to handle his crap and yours.

If he’s not doing 150% effort to repair the damage he caused - then it’s better for YOU if you just say no way! 

I speak from experience. Now is a good time for you to look out for YOUR best interest.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> It was a massive shock when I found out about the affair and the pain unbearable, what I am trying to say if it doesn’t work out for me, I will be the one walking away and that pain I can hear because it will be my choice. The pain he caused me, not it won’t disappear but has made me stronger. I will keep posting and keep you up to date with everything


I haven't seen it discussed much here, but I'm sure it has been since I never have an original thought. Sometimes the BS will reconcile with the WS for reasons that are hard to explain and may not make a lot of sense to the outside world. The BS exited the relationship because of WS's betrayal. It's a shock to the system.

When the BS acquires more relationship knowledge and chooses to reconcile, it's actually done from a position of strength. "If the reconciliation doesn't work, I am going to leave the relationship. I'm going to be the initiator, not the victim." I'm not a relationship counselor by profession, but it seems to me that leaving the relationship on BS's terms instead of WS's terms may have some mental benefits. Anyway, it's just a thought. You can always break up. You can't always reconcile.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I haven't seen it discussed much here, but I'm sure it has been since I never have an original thought. Sometimes the BS will reconcile with the WS for reasons that are hard to explain and may not make a lot of sense to the outside world. The BS exited the relationship because of WS's betrayal. It's a shock to the system.
> 
> When the BS acquires more relationship knowledge and chooses to reconcile, it's actually done from a position of strength. "If the reconciliation doesn't work, I am going to leave the relationship. I'm going to be the initiator, not the victim." I'm not a relationship counselor by profession, but it seems to me that leaving the relationship on BS's terms instead of WS's terms may have some mental benefits. Anyway, it's just a thought. You can always break up. You can't always reconcile.


Not really following, BS? WS? Sorry what is it you are staying?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blonde1971 said:


> Not really following, BS? WS? Sorry what is it you are staying?


BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)

tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)
> 
> tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.


Got it, thank you.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Sfort said:


> BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)
> 
> tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.


I hear what you are saying Sfort, and I really do enjoy your posts, because, many times, your thinking is parallel to mine. But in this situation, I am of the opinion, that WS wants back because he is insanely codependent. I mean, he tried to commit suicide a week or two ago, in an effort to get BS back. This is a very flammable situation.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rushwater said:


> I hear what you are saying Sfort, and I really do enjoy your posts, because, many times, your thinking is parallel to mine. But in this situation, I am of the opinion, that WS wants back because he is insanely codependent. I mean, he tried to commit suicide a week or two ago, in an effort to get BS back. This is a very flammable situation.


And she’s eluded quite a few times to the idea of suicide herself because she can’t be without him or alone. So yeah. Sad all around.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The good thing here is that blondie has some great insight into her behaviour and flaws. She’s not in denial and sees the situation exactly for what it is, a bad one. And she’s trying. 

So no, I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re eventually going to be ok and you’re not exactly running away - you’re going through all the difficult steps. These feelings are so so difficult and you’re sticking with the pain. Which you have to do in order to one day heal. And you will.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> The good thing here is that blondie has some great insight into her behaviour and flaws. She’s not in denial and sees the situation exactly for what it is, a bad one. And she’s trying.
> 
> So no, I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re eventually going to be ok and you’re not exactly running away - you’re going through all the difficult steps. These feelings are so so difficult and you’re sticking with the pain. Which you have to do in order to one day heal. And you will.


Lots of different opinions on my feed about getting back with the husband. Please, I know what I’m doing and I will be ok and I will heal. I don’t miss him anymore but I do want to find out if I still love him cos in all honesty I am not sure. I do feel able to be on my own now without male company, apart from my boys that is. I have applied for 2 jobs for extra money to support the house and my bills. I’m on day 4 and not had any alcohol (this is unheard of with me) if I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore, I am the one that wants to walk away. Hope you all understand where I am coming from because it is hard trying to explain what I am doing, but what ever I do, I will be open and honest and go things in the right way


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Good luck with the jobs


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blonde1971 said:


> Lots of different opinions on my feed about getting back with the husband. Please, I know what I’m doing and I will be ok and I will heal. I don’t miss him anymore but I do want to find out if I still love him cos in all honesty I am not sure. I do feel able to be on my own now without male company, apart from my boys that is. I have applied for 2 jobs for extra money to support the house and my bills. I’m on day 4 and not had any alcohol (this is unheard of with me) if I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore, I am the one that wants to walk away. Hope you all understand where I am coming from because it is hard trying to explain what I am doing, but what ever I do, I will be open and honest and go things in the right way


@Blonde1971 how are things going with you?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

aine said:


> @Blonde1971 how are things going with you?


Good thank you, no alcohol for the last 13 days, doing gym, swimming and yoga now after I finish work daily. My husband and I are doing lots of talking, I feel that it’s too soon for us to start living together again so we are just talking a lot.. the longer I am on my own the stronger I feel, still waiting to hear on the weekend work, applied for 4 jobs. All I need is to earn some more money and then I will leave the joint account and start a bank account of my own.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, should you decide to give him another shot it's really important that it be done from a position of strength.

Not because you can't be alone, not because he manipulates and threatens/tries to kill himself. You won't have good judgment and you won't have a healthy relationship that way.

I recommend you spend at least 6 months apart and during that time he cannot beg or manipulate. If you can do that and you really think he's learned his lesson you can give it another try.

How do you know he isn't still seeing his other woman?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hey that’s a big change ‘the longer I am on my own the stronger I feel’ compared to before!! 

13 days no alcohol is great too! It sounds like you’re coming out of the darkness


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, should you decide to give him another shot it's really important that it be done from a position of strength.
> 
> Not because you can't be alone, not because he manipulates and threatens/tries to kill himself. You won't have good judgment and you won't have a healthy relationship that way.
> 
> ...


I don’t I suppose, he has been signed off work for a couple of months, he is having counseling and seeing his doctor regularly. I don’t really feel anything now about the situation, not sure why that is. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but they are getting slowly less. I am just living one day at a time. I don’t know if we will ever get back together 100% cos I’m not sure I want to. I am just doing what I want at the moment and enjoying it.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Hey that’s a big change ‘the longer I am on my own the stronger I feel’ compared to before!!
> 
> 13 days no alcohol is great too! It sounds like you’re coming out of the darkness


Yes, I find when I am around him, I feel weak, and yes I do feel like a dark cloud is lifting, I am still having counseling myself and finding out things about me. I guess I am stronger than what I thought, it is very easy to let go and slump into darkness and dispair. It can sometimes feel like a real struggle and fight some days but those days are getting less. Some days I just feel like I want to move far far away and leave all this vileness behind me. My relationship with my boys has suffered and I feel they are pulling away from me.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That’s understandable that your boys are pulling away, let them. Please let them hold you accountable one day and respect their need to pull away and deal with what they need to deal with. They must be in immense pain. We make mistakes as parents, sometimes terrible ones. So never minimise their pain and need to live their lives. They may come back to you one day and be filled with anger. Or they may never come back. So always always be responsible and listen to what they need, however hard that might be for you. Time will show the truth.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Why do you think your boys are pulling away from you? Is it because you left your husband or is it because they are just getting older and living their own lives?

As far as I can see, you have done absolutely nothing wrong here and your husband is the one at fault.


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Why do you think your boys are pulling away from you? Is it because you left your husband or is it because they are just getting older and living their own lives?
> 
> As far as I can see, you have done absolutely nothing wrong here and your husband is the one at fault.


I think it’s because of what they have had to go through and see me at my lowest. They don’t agree with me considering a reconciliation. I wake up every morning trying to think of how to put things right with the 23 year old. I try to talk to him about other things, like how’s your work etc but there is nothing coming back from him. He makes me feel that I should just stay on my own that way I have more self respect for myself. I don’t know what to do to make things better for him. I have stopped drinking cos I know the boys hated me drinking, don’t get me wrong I am much better since I stopped drinking and never want to go back to the way I was. My family just feels split and everyone is distant. We were always so close.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

That’s a shame but, in the same way you can’t live your kids’ lives for them, they can’t live yours for you.

Reconciliation, if you go down that route, does not mean lack of self respect.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blonde1971 said:


> I think it’s because of what they have had to go through and see me at my lowest. They don’t agree with me considering a reconciliation. I wake up every morning trying to think of how to put things right with the 23 year old. I try to talk to him about other things, like how’s your work etc but there is nothing coming back from him. He makes me feel that I should just stay on my own that way I have more self respect for myself. I don’t know what to do to make things better for him. I have stopped drinking cos I know the boys hated me drinking, don’t get me wrong I am much better since I stopped drinking and never want to go back to the way I was. My family just feels split and everyone is distant. We were always so close.


They love you. If I saw my mom go through what you have I’d probably be pretty pissed too that reconciliation was happening. It’s amazing what affairs do to everyone in the family... the destruction is terrible. Hopefully they’ll come back around and accept whatever decision you make. But I will just say, perhaps they just want what is best for you and you should consider why they feel the way they do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should listen to your kids. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blonde1971 said:


> I think it’s because of what they have had to go through and see me at my lowest. They don’t agree with me considering a reconciliation. I wake up every morning trying to think of how to put things right with the 23 year old. I try to talk to him about other things, like how’s your work etc but there is nothing coming back from him. He makes me feel that I should just stay on my own that way I have more self respect for myself. I don’t know what to do to make things better for him. I have stopped drinking cos I know the boys hated me drinking, don’t get me wrong I am much better since I stopped drinking and never want to go back to the way I was. My family just feels split and everyone is distant. We were always so close.


He knows if you don’t respect yourself - then it’s hard for anyone else to respect you.

Why not use actions to show you are strong and can do this on your own?

Your son may be feeling you deserve better... and why not do that FOR YOURSELF?


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## Blonde1971 (Apr 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> They love you. If I saw my mom go through what you have I’d probably be pretty pissed too that reconciliation was happening. It’s amazing what affairs do to everyone in the family... the destruction is terrible. Hopefully they’ll come back around and accept whatever decision you make. But I will just say, perhaps they just want what is best for you and you should consider why they feel the way they do.


I do and I have not said yes to a reconciliation. I would rather have my boys over any man, no matter how long I was with them for


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then why not say “NO” to that reconciliation?

It may be more useful to your relationship with your kids to help them understand that YOU have made a decision - and it means NOT continuing the relationship with your husband.


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