# I wish I loved my hand that much



## Kitty_Kat (Dec 16, 2010)

Ok, so I understand that masturbating is a lot easier than sex. A lot faster, less hassle.
But I am really at my wit's end with my husband. We've been married almost 7 years, and as usual our sex life was pretty good at first. Can't really remember when I started realizing he was choosing his hand over me, but the rejections started coming more and more often. Now we maybe have sex 3 times a month, but always at his choosing. He has rejected me so much that I don't even ask anymore. I used to think it was a power trip for him, always, ALWAYS rejecting me the one week out of the month I really needed it. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, the queen bed "hurts his back" but I am pretty sure that's just a cop out so he can have his quality time with his hand. How do I not feel rejected by this? Its t norm in our marriage now. I used to get very very upset by it, I never understood why he would choose that over a real woman in the other room. I used to never reject him, ever. I have just started to this last year, because, for one, I don't like feeling used. I want someone to love me and want to please me as much as I do them. I want sex to last more than 60 seconds, which means we would have to do it more often. But he gets mad, saying how can I expect an orgasm everytime(I don't, but once in a while would be nice) he doesn't think sex should be "all tit-for-tat".
I really just don't know what to do. I am lonely. He has really destroyed all good feelings I used to have for him. He has proven over and over again that his relationship with his hand takes first priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Kitty_Kat said:


> Ok, so I understand that masturbating is a lot easier than sex. A lot faster, less hassle.
> But I am really at my wit's end with my husband. We've been married almost 7 years, and as usual our sex life was pretty good at first. Can't really remember when I started realizing he was choosing his hand over me, but the rejections started coming more and more often. Now we maybe have sex 3 times a month, but always at his choosing. He has rejected me so much that I don't even ask anymore. I used to think it was a power trip for him, always, ALWAYS rejecting me the one week out of the month I really needed it. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, the queen bed "hurts his back" but I am pretty sure that's just a cop out so he can have his quality time with his hand. How do I not feel rejected by this? Its t norm in our marriage now. I used to get very very upset by it, I never understood why he would choose that over a real woman in the other room. I used to never reject him, ever. I have just started to this last year, because, for one, I don't like feeling used. I want someone to love me and want to please me as much as I do them. I want sex to last more than 60 seconds, which means we would have to do it more often. But he gets mad, saying how can I expect an orgasm everytime(I don't, but once in a while would be nice) he doesn't think sex should be "all tit-for-tat".
> I really just don't know what to do. I am lonely. He has really destroyed all good feelings I used to have for him. He has proven over and over again that his relationship with his hand takes first priority.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I think the sex performance makes him hurt somewhere in his body. You might want to suggest a position that he's more comfortable with. Standing? Make it easier for him to perform.

There's a reason when a man reject to have sex, especially when it hurts his back, knees or wherever. It means really hurt and they can't get aroused when feeling hurt.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Ask him very sweetly, how you have hurt him, that he is not wanting to be intimate with you. Listen. Smile sweetly and be happy with the answer.

Then go out of the room and cry or get mad. Don't punish him for his answer.

Problems in the relationship will find their way into the sex life. It has, and is, happening to me. It can be a subconscious issue, some resentment or anger he has, some hurt he feels over what you did or how you treated him.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Kitty_Kat said:


> I really just don't know what to do.


It sounds like you still want to make it work. If that's the case then you have to find out why he is doing it.

This relationship with his hand:

1. Was it/is it ever done in the open with you in the nude?

2. Was it present before the sex life started to go downhill?

3. Is it ever helped along with visual/physical aids?

4. Is it ever done at times that make you feel uncomfortable?

5. Have you two ever discussed this relationship and what the fascination is with it?

6. His rejections of you, were they ever physical, as in touching you to push you away?

7. Are you certain this relationship still exists?

8. If there were a chance this relationship was born upon a mental fantasy of one person or one idea in his head, what/who would that be?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Not only do I get rejected, but he's not using his hand either but spends an inordinate amount of time cruising porn. 

Of course there are physical, medication, and psychological issues at play here, but...things have gotten so frustrating for me that I'm starting not to get interested anymore and that is scary for me to say the least.

Getting apathetic about the whole thing. Especially when we do start something and I move his hand or ask him to do something and he says "it's all about you, huh?" Got news for him, if it was all "about me", I wouldn't still be here after almost a year of this crap!

Until he opens up with what the "real issue" is and not the excuses he keeps throwing out, you will never figure out how to resolve this and will either go on in separate rooms with no intimacy or you will finally get fed up and leave.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

I would suggest that he gets checked out by his doctor ASAP. He could be suffering from low testosterone or depression. If he goes on AD's a side effect might be improved performance since the SSRI's will cause a delay in orgasm for him.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Kitty_Kat said:


> Ok, so I understand that masturbating is a lot easier than sex. A lot faster, less hassle.
> But I am really at my wit's end with my husband. We've been married almost 7 years, and as usual our sex life was pretty good at first. Can't really remember when I started realizing he was choosing his hand over me, but the rejections started coming more and more often. Now we maybe have sex 3 times a month, but always at his choosing. He has rejected me so much that I don't even ask anymore. I used to think it was a power trip for him, always, ALWAYS rejecting me the one week out of the month I really needed it. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, the queen bed "hurts his back" but I am pretty sure that's just a cop out so he can have his quality time with his hand. How do I not feel rejected by this? Its t norm in our marriage now. I used to get very very upset by it, I never understood why he would choose that over a real woman in the other room. I used to never reject him, ever. I have just started to this last year, because, for one, I don't like feeling used. I want someone to love me and want to please me as much as I do them. I want sex to last more than 60 seconds, which means we would have to do it more often. But he gets mad, saying how can I expect an orgasm everytime(I don't, but once in a while would be nice) he doesn't think sex should be "all tit-for-tat".
> I really just don't know what to do. I am lonely. He has really destroyed all good feelings I used to have for him. He has proven over and over again that his relationship with his hand takes first priority.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey I am one of the biggest wankers in the world but it never takes away from my sex life. It is partly to give my poor wife a break. 

You need to have a frank chat with him about why he doesn't do his conjugal duty. Maybe there is a deeper emotional reason? Maybe he has a kink he feels he can't share with you? 

You are going to have to talk.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Kitty_Kat said:


> I used to never reject him, ever. I have just started to this last year, because, for one, I don't like feeling used. I want someone to love me and want to please me as much as I do them.


This resentment is a vicious cycle. He and you both are resentful. Someone has to stop the cycle.




Kitty_Kat said:


> I want sex to last more than 60 seconds, which means we would have to do it more often.


This may not be so. If he can't last longer than a minute, he needs retraining because of premature ejaculation.




Kitty_Kat said:


> But he gets mad, saying how can I expect an orgasm everytime(I don't, but once in a while would be nice) he doesn't think sex should be "all tit-for-tat".


He is mistaken. He can please you somehow even if he may not be able to with intercourse.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kitty_Kat said:


> I used to get very very upset by it, I never understood why he would choose that over a real woman in the other room. I used to never reject him, ever. I have just started to this last year, because, for one, I don't like feeling used. I want someone to love me and want to please me as much as I do them. I want sex to last more than 60 seconds, which means we would have to do it more often.


After fighting with my H for three or four years Ive stopped wanting sex with him too. i realized that no sex was better then bad sex. Although my H has stopped looking at porn i still feel like he just wants to jack off and does not really want to please me. I do not want to be his porn toy. so he gets rejected often these days. 

I told my H he had to stop looking at porn and go to counseling for me to feel there's any hope in the relationship. If he couldnt do that then there would be no point in my staying in the marriage. You'll have to decide if you feel there's anything that can be done to rectify the damage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Although my H has stopped looking at porn i still feel like he just wants to jack off and does not really want to please me. I do not want to be his porn toy. so he gets rejected often these days.


So basically you want to punish him for having sexual needs because he has not been satisfying you?

Why is it that he is both wrong for jacking off to porn AND that he wants to have sex with you instead?

Are you saying that during relations he doesn't try to please you?

Resentment clouds a lot of judgment on sexual issues.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away, but I love men and the next one might be worse - I might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Apparently I just SUCK at picking 'em.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

michzz said:


> So basically you want to punish him for having sexual needs because he has not been satisfying you?
> 
> Why is it that he is both wrong for jacking off to porn AND that he wants to have sex with you instead?
> 
> ...


It does seem so mean and vengeful, doesnt it? Seems like such a mean, contradictory thing on my part. I have asked him for years to change and now that he's putting in the effort and coming on to me, i shut him down. does seem so evil. If i were looking in from the outside i would think the exact same thing. 

But for all the women battling this, if your porn addict decides to change then you will have to face this contradiction. All the pain, frustration, loneliness, and mistrust you feel will not vanish just because he decides to try and change. Its extremely hard to set this boundary because it can feel like a punishment to the porn addict and you may feel guilty. That is why i would strongly recommend that anyone going through this read about boundaries with their spouse, and if your spouse starts to change you must also read books like Seat of the Soul. If your emotions are in the wrong place when you hit this contradictory step in the healing process it will not go well. But you can set boundaries like this to heal yourself and if you are not resentful your spouse will understand and be supportive. It is resentment that will kill this part of the healing process. Not the boundaries you set.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away, but I love men and the next one might be worse - I might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
> 
> Apparently I just SUCK at picking 'em.


Not sure of that, but most men (generalizing here) want to please the woman in their life. If he can't or won't there is a reason for that--and I'm not pointing a finger. Think physical or emotional problems.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*The Angry Marriage, an excerpt*

This excerpt of "The Angry Marriage: Overcoming the Rage, Reclaiming the Love" by Bonnie Maslin, PhD is apropos to the resentment trap.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/078...tion&ie=UTF8&qid=1292541063#reader_0786880694


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I have asked him for years to change and now that he's putting in the effort and coming on to me, i shut him down.


From a behavioral point of view you seem to be trying to train him to not come onto you.


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## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

I rarely use my hand anymore. My wife will use her hand on me when she is on her cycle. I rarely, if ever, turn down my wife when she is ready and raring to go! 

Sorry, you're going through this! Must be really tough on you!


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