# He won't have sex and I'm lost



## Dazed Confused (Dec 11, 2018)

Hi all,

Here's my situation and I need help in understanding what is causing our problem and if there anything concrete I can do to overcome it.

I am a 35 year old woman, my husband is 38. We got married a year and a half ago and dated for 2 years before that. We have had sex about 10 times since we got married. I *think* this is not normal, but often wonder if it could be. Need help.

It was my decision to hold off on sex until we got married and he was fine with that (Neither of us had sex before and only had a couple of serious relationships of our own) When we dated, there was LOTS of romance, our intimate moments were very promising... I didn't have any doubts about how our love life would be after we got married.

After getting married - from the first night to now, there were numerous escalating attempts by me to talk about why we don't have sex, why any of my attempts don't work, if there is a reason for it. Most of the time there were no responses, or he shoo'd it away. If there was any conversation from his end, it was only when I would be at the end of my wits, weeping, begging for answers. In each of these episodes, weeks and months apart even, there were different reasons given to me. 

Reasons like... he doesn't like wearing condoms and we need lube. We got lube, never used it. 
Weeks later, after another episode of me coming down on him with tears and anger, he said he can't work out the mechanics of having sex and it's holding him back. We talked about him researching this, and I offered to try whatever positions, whatever I could to help. We had sex that night. And that's it. Note - he's obese and I'm overweight. I've lost weight since. 
Months later, after putting myself to through hell and back wondering if he was gay, I brought up the topic again. He swears he's not, and that he just has low drive and when the urges come, its in the middle of the night. I asked him to wake me up, I wouldn't mind. I asked if I could do more to arouse... etc etc. We attempted sex that night. And that's it.

6 months since the last time - the longest we went without sex. This time he said - he has pain during intercourse. He's not circumcised. And I am 'tight' down there. We talked about surgery, but he's not willing to do it. He ordered something online that is supposed to loosen me up - I use it to but I dont think it's going to help any.

This past 6-9 months is a pivotal time for ME I think, because I started making my peace with this - that sex was just not his thing, it would never be, so I'll have to adjust. I'm currently in the frame of mind that all couples of problems and this is our big one. We'll work it out over time, if anything. And if not, I'm ok with it. Life has to go on. I haven't cried much since.

This part I'm starting to realize now is dangerous, but... I went off birth control 2 months back. I want kids. He says he wants kids also. If sex is just something we do to conceive, and he's willing to do it... at least to conceive, then that's the best for now (I'm thinking). Life must go on and we'll probably spend the rest of our lives figuring this out.

We did have sex last week. Probably our 10th time in a year and half.

Need advice - is this somewhat normal?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No not normal and please get back on birth control!!!

I have a friend who is married to a guy just like you have described. He is obese but apparently even when he wasn’t and was very young, he just was never very sexual. She married him thinking this was a good thing. She had left a marriage to a guy (Not for an affair, it was years before) who was a creep, had cheated on her, and was just weirdly sexual and it was gross to her.

So she thought aw this sweet guy who loves me for me and isn’t all about just sex.

She had no idea he would never be about sex, like, ever. Last time I asked her it had been more than 3 years and she’s given up trying.

She has a 9 year old with him and is just now waiting out the clock until he’s a little older.

But she is miserable. 

She went through the years of trying and it sounded just like your efforts. And his answers were the same. And there was never any change. 

Don’t let this be you. People who don’t have a sex drive consistently throughout their fertile years are not going to change. They may say they will try to change because they fear losing you but they cannot follow through.

I’m sorry to tell you all of this. I told my friend I just wrote about basically the same thing the first time I heard her story (that low drive people don’t change if that’s their default setting) and she railed against me and was angry that I took away hope from her. It was hard to say to her, but I stuck by my word.

It has been about 15 years since then and she is more miserable than she’s ever been in her life (for years now). I wish I wasn’t right then and I wish I wasn’t right now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh and PS...I only wrote about that one friend because her sitch is so much like yours. I’ve known many other women (myself included) who have been in sexless relationships. Most have split up (as I did). The ones who haven’t are miserable just like the friend I mentioned. Some have had affairs. This is not a good solution. 

Please ask your H to go to sex therapy with a qualified therapist and if he can’t do that and come to meet you in the middle somehow sexually (withou you begging for it) then you want a divorce. It’s the only thing that might snap him awake. But you can only say this when you really mean it and are ready to walk if there’s no change.

Even if he can accomplish some change, I would say he would need to show it consistently for at least a year before you should assume a lasting improvement.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

No no no no....

Nothing about this is normal at all. What is even more not NORMAL is that you are even considering staying married if he does not step of to the plate. 

SO, I am going to be really frank. I am just trying to be completely honest with you. Sex, for almost everyone in the world is important. 

He has several problems, not the least of which is he is probably gay. He may not have acted on it, but it is a strong possibility here. No matter what he says. 

You are both EXTREMELY inexperienced, with everything not just sex. The work that you are going to have to do to fix this will be very hard. 

He, if not gay, is that he is completely sexually insecure. Being obese, he is probably insecure about everything. 

And if it help you to get a picture of how not normal this is, most people at least at the beginning of the marriage, have sex almost every single day, or every other day for sure. 

He is low drive because he is fat, insecure, among a host of issues. Fat in the male body, turns testosterone into estrogen. 

So unless you want to live a life of quiet desperation you are going go get really tough about this and be willing to divorce if he does not want to change.

One reason that you do not understand how important sex is, good sex, is that you have never had any. 

Are you able to take the bull by the horns and get tough or will you just accept your fate...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

PSS...I read your first post a little closer and noticed that you want to just make peace with this.

That is ok too! Some of my friends have made their peace with it and have foregone a sex life just to stay with a man they love.

In that case, my advice is to truly make peace with it to the point that you love him for all he is and don’t think of what is normal for others. You’ll have to make your own normal. This can be good if your heart and body really accept it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@TheCuriousWife has a somewhat successful story about her LD husband. Maybe if she sees this she will chime in.

She was dedicated to making it work with him and it paid off.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sexual interactions release chemicals that enhance marital bonding. Connection and intimacy are especially important to women and contribute to marital fulfillment for both. 

I'm thinking he should see his physician for blood tests, etc. and a referral to a urologist, and then y'all see a sex therapist. 

He is not likely to agree to all of this because he doesn't realize the ramifications of the problem. You then have decisions to make. Please use birth control for just a bit longer--know your clock is ticking.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Dazed Confused ~ You both are obviously prime candidates for joint sexual therapy!

Pursue it with an absolute vengeance!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Not only is this not normal, there isn't anything even healthy about it. 

DO NOT GET PREGNANT OR HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!

Kids often spell the end of good, passionate sex lives. In your case, once kid(s) come, you will never have sex again and then there will be custody issues and child support and single parenthood issues when you do divorce. 

Am I understanding correctly that he was a 35 year old virgin when you got together??
and he was cool with not having sex at all prior to getting married? 

The chances are he is simply a dud male and will never even be adequate in the sack. Sure you may be able to get his penis hard enough to enter you sometime and maybe even deliver enough sperm to conceive (don't do it!!)
.

Therapy and counseling etc may get him to the point that he puts out now and then to try keep you from ditching him for someone else. 

But to go from 35 year old virgin and 10 attempts at clumsy, awkward penetration in a year and a half to good, passionate sex is too much of a spread. 

With time and therapy and realistic threat of adultery/divorce, you may be able to go from Dud to less-of-a-dud. But to go from Dud to Stud is unrealistic. 

If you value an active, healthy, vigorous and passionate sex life, you are probably barking up the wrong tree here. 

You can shell out years and 10s of thousands of dollars of therapy and counseling and bump that up to maybe 10 times of lackluster sex in a year. Or you can cut your losses and amicably dissolve the marriage and find one of the 3 billion men on earth that actually want to have an active sex life and are ready, willing and able to step up to the plate.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Is he open to seeing a medical doctor?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also if you have kids with him, be prepared to feel agonizing guilt about not modeling a sexually healthy marriage for them. 

My friend mentioned above, she understands now how lack of a sexual connection and all the pain and resentment of her marriage created a poor environment for their child and he didn’t thrive very well at first. Because the parents were disconnected and resentful of each other, this seeped into the child too (as it would with any child).

If you are willing to accept your marriage as it is, I would just try to plan on explaining when it is appropriate to any kids you have that their dad and you don’t have a conventional sexual relationship. Perhaps point them to an aunt or uncle who does have one to help out with these conversations.

I’m just strongly urging you to consider how future children will be affected.

What was your parents marriage like? Why did you remain a virgin so long?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Like Arbitrator says: Your the perfect candidates for sex therapy.

If he refuses to go then you have your answer about how interested he is in making you happy in an important part of marriage (none)


DO NOT GET PREGNANT. CHILDREN DO NOT REPAIR A MARRIAGE....BUT THEY SURE CAN PROLONG A BAD ONE !!!!!

Your in a tough spot. It seems to me that the longer these things go on, the harder it is to repair. Your very early into this....I think you have a chance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

35/38 both virgins. Somewhere there is a piece of information missing. Where are you from and what religion? Nothing destroys human sexuality like a good dose of religion.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK a few comments form someone who has been in a sexually mismatched marriage for >30 years. 

First this is not at all typical - but it happens. There are some people who do not want sex. Often their marriage partners live their lives miserable and depressed.

Go to asexuality.org there is a LOT of information thre. 

Please please, do not have children until you have clearly decided whether or not you want to live your life without sex. that is *your* choice, but it is very likely what will happen if you have kids. You will not want to leave your children, or send their father away "just because of sex" and may find yourself unable to ever leave. 

Please think through your future carefully - make a decision and accept that you will need to live with that decision. 

If you are a person with typical level of sexual interest, I would recommend that you leave, rather then spend your life feeling cheated out of something so important.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> 35/38 both virgins. Somewhere there is a piece of information missing. Where are you from and what religion? Nothing destroys human sexuality like a good dose of religion.


*Conversely, I know a plethora of Christians, both Protestant and Catholic, who are sexually "randy!" They know that we have a loving God who richly condones the act of sex as a gift bestowed to mankind for both procreation and pleasure! *


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is *very* important!

I was raised in what I now realize was a very unusual household, with parents who provided no hint of physical affection of sexuality. I grew up thinking that was typical, and I think that is a large part of why I didn't realize how unusual my relationship was with my future wife. 

It took me a very long time to realize that sex was something typical couples did regularly, and that we did not have anything like a typical relationship. By then it was too late. 






Faithful Wife said:


> Also if you have kids with him, be prepared to feel agonizing guilt about not modeling a sexually healthy marriage for them.
> 
> My friend mentioned above, she understands now how lack of a sexual connection and all the pain and resentment of her marriage created a poor environment for their child and he didn’t thrive very well at first. Because the parents were disconnected and resentful of each other, this seeped into the child too (as it would with any child).
> 
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One possibility is that he is used to masturbation and may be doing that regularly even while you're married. It is very common for men to masturbate, and I would expect that he did so frequently before you were married. Based on what you are describing, I'm guessing he is still doing it. You may wonder why he isn't jumping at the chance to have sex instead of masturbate, but that could be because they feel different. They both feel good, but they feel good in their own ways. Maybe the sex feels foreign and he's uncomfortable with this.

I'm just guessing about the masturbation, but if that is the case, it's important not to freak out about it. Yes, it can be a problem, but it's something that would be best managed through love and understanding. If he feels attacked or belittled over it, he will likely retreat and it will be harder to fix.

Like I said, I'm just guessing here. You shouldn't assume that this is what is going on. Based on both of your lack of experiences with sex, I would also recommend you go to a sex therapist to work through through these issues.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It does appear it's all about the future. 

Where do you see yourself in a year?

Or 3, 5 yrs?

The focus here being "yourself".

If you see yourself in an asexual relationship and happy that is a choice but at least it's way, way more common to be in a more sexual relationship of some form.

Best,


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Violating Rule #2 is much worse than rule #1. The tie between you doesn't end with divorce if you have kids together. The pain of getting divorced is magnified if you have kids together.

Good luck. Addressing this is not easy. And please know that freeing both of you to find someone more compatible is not failure. It is success. There are women out there who hate sex and would be thrilled to be married to a man who rarely wants it. There are men out there desperately trying to find a woman who enjoys frequent and enthusiastic sex. Don't lash yourself to someone where all the two of you will do is torture each other. If he won't get help to overcome his aversion to sex (and yes, if you have only had sex 10 times in 18 months of marriage, then he has an aversion to sex), free both of you to be who you want to be.

Do not feel guilty. Sexual mismatch is more than sufficient justification to end a marriage. It isn't "just sex". It is the one thing you both vowed only to share with each other and never seek with anyone else. If he will not provide what you need sexually, then he should free you from your vows. It is that simple.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Conversely, I know a plethora of Christians, both Protestant and Catholic, who are sexually "randy!" They know that we have a loving God who richly condones the act of sex as a gift bestowed to mankind for both procreation and pleasure! *


and i would add that biblically speaking, not only does the Christian God condone sex, but actually mandates it, except for certain circumstances.
I could quote bible verses that urges frequent sex, but i will spare readers. Suffice it to say that "for this reason a man shall leave his mother 
and father and cling to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh". Literally 'one flesh' as per the mystical, spiritual and physical union between man and woman.
the physical part is most necessary to complete the union. without it, the marriage is incomplete. 

and as with the other parts, the physical is not a one or two time thing, but an ongoing habitual practice that nourishes, secures and sustains the union.
nor do you have to be religious to buy into this paradigm. its just the way it is.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> and i would add that biblically speaking, not only does the Christian God condone sex, but actually mandates it, except for certain circumstances.
> I could quote bible verses that urges frequent sex, but i will spare readers. Suffice it to say that "for this reason a man shall leave his mother
> and father and cling to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh". Literally 'one flesh' as per the mystical, spiritual and physical union between man and woman.
> the physical part is most necessary to complete the union. without it, the marriage is incomplete.
> ...


*Totally designed by our Heavenly Father within His scope of mandates, and with absolutely no outside intervention! *


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

I just reread your original post and have what may or may not be a concern. Maybe this just caught my eye and although the circumstance I read in your post may be somewhat uncommon it may be my comment is of no real consequences. 

I say all that because I don't want to make an issue where none may exist. 

I read in your post "because your were tight down there" he ordered something on line, that you use, to "try and help" things. 

Now this is according to him that you do this. This is kind of irregular in the matter that no man would really NOT want you "tight down there".

My concern is this; is this him just trying to shift blame on root cause of him not desiring sex or just wanting to control your truly normal sexual desires? 

So you stop pestering him, and he can delay what will indeed be a major problem at some point? 

Because, unless he has a huge johnson AND you are a tiny person with "tightness" issues you would have had to notice in younger days even without having sex, there are very, very, very few times a woman would have to use a "stretcher" to have sex.

Imo you my dear aren't having any "tightness" issues. 
My suggestion would be immediately stopping using any stretching devices and avoid health risks and possibly tissue damage.

Like I prefaced my comments- if I'm off base that's ok too so pls take this information as thoughts only, I don't want inject any personal issues. 

Maybe some forum women will comment with additional information. But to me, asking a woman to use a stretcher ordered on line is suspect.

Many fun toys or even vegetables can loosen things up in good foreplay if truly needed. 

Pls take care of your health "down there".


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It's just another one of those "displacement of issue" things. He can remove his personal liability in the situation by saying it's something about you. As soon as you have done all the
work there will just be another "problem with you". I most assuredly recommend you throw the stretch thing away.

Go to lovehoney website and find yourself a toy. While it is no replacement for a loving partner it can take the edge off.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

sunsetmist said:


> Sexual interactions release chemicals that enhance marital bonding. Connection and intimacy are especially important to women and contribute to marital fulfillment for both.
> 
> I'm thinking he should see his physician for blood tests, etc. and a referral to a urologist, and then y'all see a sex therapist.
> 
> He is not likely to agree to all of this because he doesn't realize the ramifications of the problem. You then have decisions to make. Please use birth control for just a bit longer--know your clock is ticking.


Agree with this. 

The opening post reads like he has been like this from the beginning, so you, @Dazed Confused, chose someone like this. I'm not blaming you for your suffering, or his issues. I'm saying, you may have thought he'd change after marriage. He may have been all the other things you wanted in a man, but testosterone will necessarily make a man less romantic and more "let's do it now, babe, while holding two aspirin and a glass of water, just in case you have a headache". I'm guessing he will need some psychologist and an endocrinologist, if you are truly serious about staying with him. 

Once you have all the facts, it will be easier to make a decision.

ps.: Don't forget porn use, but I feel like that isn't likely. I've been wrong before, though.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Drive by poster.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Conversely, I know a plethora of Christians, both Protestant and Catholic, who are sexually "randy!" They know that we have a loving God who richly condones the act of sex as a gift bestowed to mankind for both procreation and pleasure! *


I can't speak for all religions, but modern Christianity for the most part encourages sex between married couples. Sexy people are happier people IMO. At the church me and my ex used to be a member of there was actually a pole dancing class for women. The only requirement for entry was that you had to be married. Before marriage my pastor gave me a sex book that he gave to all couples (he assumed we were virgins LoL). It was ummm pretty comprehensive as far as sex acts go.

As for the OP I don't think he will change, and even if he does his reasons for not wanting to be intimate are lengthy. It doesn't sound like he is indifferent to sex. He sounds flat out repulsed. Even if you could get him to put out every now and then why would you want a partner like that?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I can't speak for all religions, but modern Christianity for the most part encourages sex between married couples. * Sexy people are happier people IMO. At the church me and my ex used to be a member of there was actually a pole dancing class for women. The only requirement for entry was that you had to be married. Before marriage my pastor gave me a sex book that he gave to all couples (he assumed we were virgins LoL). It was ummm pretty comprehensive as far as sex acts go.*
> 
> As for the OP I don't think he will change, and even if he does his reasons for not wanting to be intimate are lengthy. It doesn't sound like he is indifferent to sex. He sounds flat out repulsed. Even if you could get him to put out every now and then why would you want a partner like that?


*I absolutely love hearing that your pastor is so socially progressive that he would bestow sexual instruction books to the younger congregants who were getting married in his church!

What denomination do you belong to?! I only wish that my United Methodist brethren were so progressive! *


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## Dazed Confused (Dec 11, 2018)

All,

I cannot tell you how difficult yesterday was reading all these responses. I think somehow I expected someone to say "eh, it's usually not as bad as your situation, but this is kinda normal". Grasping for straws and not being rational, I know.

While it was incredibly hard to read this, I was just as relieved to actually talk about this with someone other than my husband. Thank you for all your input. I think you're opening my eyes to this... a lot. Especially the part about having kids. You all are absolutely right. I will get back on BC. I cannot believe I could be so blind!!! I'm so so weighed down by all of this.

Divorce will just be devastating - to me, my parents. I come from a Christian family and lived a very simple, happy, conservative (by some standards) life. I'm looking for any reason to stay. It's hard to digest that the reason for failing in this marriage is sex. It's so hard to wrap my mind around it. Like you all say, I'm not that experienced myself so can't offer more. Funny thing is, I'm still printing out wedding pictures and decorating our new place, parents just watched our wedding video when we visited them. And here we are, failing in this marriage... already.

Do you think if he lost weight, it would fix the sex drive issue and the 'mechanics' of it?
Do you think we should do sex therapy together, or should i just ask him to go? I feel like with me there, he won't make any progress. 
Can someone tell me what I can expect from sex therapy - what do they talk about?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Dazed Confused said:


> Do you think if he lost weight, it would fix the sex drive issue and the 'mechanics' of it?


I don't think you should approach his weight in this matter. Trying to getting someone else to lose weight usually backfires and builds resentment. You don't want to be tackling two extremely tough problems at the same time--getting him to lose weight and have sex more often. There's many great reasons to lose weight, but don't try to associate it with the intimacy problems.

As you tackle this issue, you need to realize the magnitude of it. Lack of sex is one of the most common problems discussed on this board, and there are few success stories. Many couples end up divorced. Often the couples who are successful are so because the low drive spouse engages in intimacy because they love their partner and know it's important to the marriage. They may not necessarily have the desire for sex, but they do it as a loving favor because they know it makes their spouse happy. That's probably the goal you should try to achieve: He has regular sex because he knows it's important to you. Maybe he will change and get a sex drive, but that may or may not happen. Regardless, he needs to realize intimacy is part of marriage and he needs to strive to make it happen.

You should try counseling together. The counselor can help him come to the understanding of the role of intimacy in a marriage. The counselor can also open his eyes to what happens in a sexless marriage. He needs to realize that a sexless marriage ends in divorce. If he doesn't work to change his attitude on this matter, divorce is the end result. Right now it seems like he's fine with cruising along without intimacy. In counseling sessions, you will be able to discuss with him that you aren't going to settle for a celibate marriage and he needs to understand he needs to be part of addressing the issue. One problem with trying to discuss this with him directly is that he may feel you're attacking him. Having the counselor say it may make him feel less defensive and more open to the advice. I don't think you need to go to an actual sex therapist at this time. Just a regular marriage therapist will be fine.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

"And here we are, failing" ........... it's "HE" not "WE".

Birth control ...... do it now !

Don't beat yourself up over the blind part ...... it happens to the best of us. Human emotion can be self defeating. It happens all the time.

"I'm looking for any reason to stay. It's hard to digest that the reason for failing in this marriage is sex."
In the long view of things you just would find it so hard to believe until you read it just how many people here divorce over this exact reason. They usually wait until they have
kids and the resentment really builds up and then by that time it is a huge disaster of a mess that is very hard to untangle.

Do you think if he lost weight, it would fix the sex drive issue and the 'mechanics' of it? 
The "mechanics" thing is just BS in my opinion. Wild animals seem to have it figured out without a problem. 


Sex Therapy: I think the 2 of you are a good prospect. HOWEVER !!!!! His reaction and willingness to attend as an effort to understand how important this is to you should be a VERY
good indication of HIS thoughts on YOUR long term happiness.

Example: If my wife revealed to me that she wanted to go see a therapist of any type for any reason I would absolutely without a single doubt drop everything and see to it. When your 
life partner says I/We need professional help...it's serious...dead serious.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

wilson said:


> One possibility is that he is used to masturbation and may be doing that regularly even while you're married. It is very common for men to masturbate, and I would expect that he did so frequently before you were married. Based on what you are describing, I'm guessing he is still doing it. You may wonder why he isn't jumping at the chance to have sex instead of masturbate, but that could be because they feel different. They both feel good, but they feel good in their own ways. Maybe the sex feels foreign and he's uncomfortable with this.
> 
> I'm just guessing about the masturbation, but if that is the case, it's important not to freak out about it. Yes, it can be a problem, but it's something that would be best managed through love and understanding. If he feels attacked or belittled over it, he will likely retreat and it will be harder to fix.
> 
> Like I said, I'm just guessing here. You shouldn't assume that this is what is going on. Based on both of your lack of experiences with sex, I would also recommend you go to a sex therapist to work through through these issues.


When he masturbates, there's no chance of humiliating failure.

Sex with another person is something else entirely, especially when you have never done it successfully before.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

wilson said:


> There's many great reasons to lose weight, but don't try to associate it with the intimacy problems.
> 
> As you tackle this issue, you need to realize the magnitude of it. Lack of sex is one of the most common problems discussed on this board, and there are few success stories.


Read this part of Wilson's post again. It's important.


I also wanted to say: Thank You for coming back and responding to your original post. Reaching out for help is the first step.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dazed Confused said:


> All,
> 
> I cannot tell you how difficult yesterday was reading all these responses. I think somehow I expected someone to say "eh, it's usually not as bad as your situation, but this is kinda normal". Grasping for straws and not being rational, I know.
> 
> ...


*Absolutely! Along with marriage or pastoral counseling!

But do not bring up his weight issues ~ at least for the time being, try to work around those!*


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dazed Confused said:


> All,
> 
> I cannot tell you how difficult yesterday was reading all these responses. I think somehow I expected someone to say "eh, it's usually not as bad as your situation, but this is kinda normal". Grasping for straws and not being rational, I know.
> 
> ...


I understand that divorce would be devastating, we all get that. And that is a valid reason for staying and trying to fix this situation. 

But bare in mind that you cannot waste your life for someone that refuses to fix his issues, your life will be completely miserable if you do. You must understand this. 

So, with that said. 

The reason that he is obese, is that he has underlying physiological and maybe physical issues that he has never dealt with. This is something that you guys are going to have to deal with. 

And you are really going to have to be strong, tough, and loving. 

The sex therapist is a must. Hopefully, they can help identify what some of the sexual and other issues are so that they can be dealt with. 

This is going to be a lot of work, but it could be worth it if it is successful. 

Can you handle this? Are you strong enough? 

So think about what you want and get started, but don't waste your life...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just lay down the law and say "Hey fatty! Get it up or get out!" 😈😉

Kidding sort of...

Sexless or near sexless marriages are biblical reasons for divorce in my view.

I was fully supportive of a woman who was in your shoes years ago.

Her hubby was in shape but would not plow her fields!

She kicked him to the curb and was on her way after a wasted year of her life.

I would talk with your husband and see if improvement can be achieved but don't pin your hopes on it.

There are decent men who will be happy to take care of business on a regular basis.

Mrs. C isn't what I would consider high drive and she needs it once or twice a week.

I am very high drive and would be happy with 3x a day or more on occasion.

Your husband is not normal or healthy.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

no that sucks mine wife said i think were done with that draw a line and move on trying to move on cuz i said i am not living the rest of my life like that

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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> The reason that he is obese, is that he has underlying physiological and maybe physical issues that he has never dealt with. This is something that you guys are going to have to deal with.


His avoidance of sex may also have a root in obesity. Obesity causes rejection, particularly as a tween or teen, when the hormones are raging and thoughts turn toward the opposite gender strongly. Self-impressions formed during this phase of life can last long into adulthood, even may persist into elderhood.

The rejection, and the fear of rejection, form the basis for sexual avoidance, and for the retreat into masturbation and porn.

Obesity is known also to relate to low testosterone levels..... although it seems to be a "chicken and egg story" and whether low T causes obesity, or obesity causes low T, isn't too clearly defined. It may be another syndrome like diabetes. It both comes from obesity, and causes obesity, by the inability of the musculature to convert glucose to energy through the catalyst of insulin.

If your husband reduces his weight (which may be helped by an increase of testosterone and some other essentials), his attitudes may change as well.



ConanHub said:


> Your husband is not normal or healthy.


Correct. Only you can say whether you want to remain married to him. I never advise people to divorce, unless there's adultery or violence. Divorce is an awful thing. But your H is clearly not "normal" in a sexual sense.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Honestly, a man who was a virgin until he was 35 probably has a low sex drive. Just my opinion. 

My husband has struggled with his weight for his entire life, and right now he's creeping up the higher end of the scale, and his drive is still very much present. My husband also struggles with self esteem, and didn't have much dating experience before me, but it didn't stop him from pursuing relationships/sex. If you've got a healthy dose of T running through your blood, I think that tends to drive your behavior to a certain point, self image be dammed. Again, just my opinion. 

Hopefully he is seeing a doctor regularly. If he's not, he should - but I know that's easier said than done. My H never went to the doctor until recently when our health insurance started penalizing us if we did not get our yearly physicals. He hated going because they'd tell him he's fat, and he didn't want to hear that from another person. Anyway, blood tests can tell if he's suffering from low T, and if he is there is treatment for it...

But - likely, this is just who he is. 

Can you live with that? 

You've essentially just started your sexual life and you're seeing it be shut down already. 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sexuality is what makes our special someone special. It is what makes our primary relationship primary. It is what separates our spouse from all other people and all other relationships. It is what makes a marriage a marriage and not just another friendship or associate. 

Without sexuality, you are just rooming splitting rent and sharing household chores. 

I'm not going to sugarcoat this - yes getting fit and healthy will help - obviously. That is a no-brainer, it is just not politically correct to discuss in this day and age. Losing weight may not "fix" the issue. But it will help. 

There is also an emotional/psychological aspect to this. If he was a 35 year old virgin, that means he has some super uptight if not even dysfunctional and maladaptive ideas and attitudes regarding sex. Those issues aren't going to be resolved and fixed in a day by simply getting married and having some clergy person say it's now ok because there is a ring on your finger. 

5 years and $10,000 worth of sex therapy may help some. But it is going to have to overcome 35 years worth of self-esteem issues and negative religious programming. 

So yes, if he throws out the donuts and cheeseburgers and starts hitting the gym for 1-2 hours a day for 6 days a week and starts living on fish, chicken and fresh fruits and vegatables today and you two get signed up for a couple sex therapy sessions a week for the next few years - in a handful of years, you "might" have an adequate sex life.

The questions you need to ask yourself are the following - 

#1 is do you sincerely believe he will actually do that and will actually follow through? Is HE motivated enough to to give up the pizzas and pick upbthe weights in the gym to lose enough weight to be a virile, vital man? Is he concerned enough about your pleasure and satisfaction and the health of your marriage to commit to intensive therapy to deprogram his negative religious indoctrination and self esteem issues to do the homework and heavy lifting of therapy??

And #2, are YOU willing and able to wait that long and pay that expense on the chance that he 'might' come around and step up to the plate and able to be at bat in a handful of years??

And #3, are you going to be able resist the temptation of literally millions and millions of other men that are healthy and virile that innately yearn for an active and healthy sex life and only need to be given the green light to go for it and give it all they got?

Are you going to be able to hold off your middle aged baby-rabies and listen to your biological clock countdown while he struggles with being able to touch you naked?

These are immediate, real-world issues and challenges that you face here. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful - just pointing out the realities. 

Mother Nature did not intend for all males to breed and that is why she gave females such a high level of selectivity and discernment. At no time or place in human history have women had more options or opportunity to choose their mates and choose the father of their offspring than here and now. Is this really where you want to be with that choice?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Drive by poster.


See, the problem is, I have a tough time reading many of the posts in a thread like this. Posters come and put the brakes on any hope. They have had their own issues, likely, and know from their experiences. I know from my own. 

I know what it's like to be her husband and have lots of folks tell her to run from him, or something near enough that I feel like that's what they are saying. 

Anything I post will not follow along those lines. Now, if she follows the advice in my first post along with what I quoted, she might have a little hope. Of course there is no sense in getting her hopes high. There is, at least, some hope in finding out if things can change. 

First, you have to know what is wrong with him. Sure, obesity will mess with testosterone. I don't care if there are outliers who prove me wrong. I know from personal experience, losing weight helps some. I'm not a doctor, though. I cannot suggest he just try that. His doctor needs told of his issues... his GP. Then, taking one step at a time, he will have to work on himself. 

If he doesn't, then that's a sign for her. It all takes time to figure out. He may simply need a psychologist. He may need several things unrelated to any mental issues. An edocrynologist, as I suggested, can tell him more than a simple blood test by his doctor. I would not rely on those results, at all. 

Evrything I've read says you need a more in depth blood test. That's not very technically worded. I forget the correct terminology. 

So, there really is nothing to say. Convincing her to leave by frightening her that he won't change and is not having sex because he just doesn't want it, is not helpful in my opinion. This is serious for her. If it turns out she needs to start a new life, she will know. 

As she posts what results have come from each step along the way and posts them, we might be able to help her, but there is nothing new, so far. Give it time. Give her and her husband time to talk, and figure out what to do. 

I can't even tell her how to approach him, since I don't know him or her. So, first thing is talk. Second is taking one step at a time and ruling out all the physical things that might be wrong. Next, look at mental issues like depression, csa, or who knows what. 

No sense in posting any more, since nothing has happened.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You mention his weight and his low libido. Typically, obesity and no desire is a sign of low testosterone. Also, you may want to suggest he have his thyroid function checked. I had a pal once he got on a testosterone treatment lost 70 pounds


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would not focus so much on divorce as the next step in the process. I would focus at first on not having kids. Tell him you absolutely refuse to go off birth control or have kids with him unless and until the sex issue is resolved to your satisfaction. That you do not want to tied to him in that way if you are unhappy in the marriage. And that you will be unhappy in the marriage until the sex issue is resolved. Then say "look, I am female. My clock is ticking. I can't afford to waste infinite amounts of time trying to see if there is a way for us to resolve the sex issue. if it isn't resolved fairly soon, then I will have to go looking for another man to have kids with."

His response will tell you everything you need to know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> I would not focus so much on divorce as the next step in the process. I would focus at first on not having kids. Tell him you absolutely refuse to go off birth control or have kids with him unless and until the sex issue is resolved to your satisfaction. That you do not want to tied to him in that way if you are unhappy in the marriage. And that you will be unhappy in the marriage until the sex issue is resolved. Then say "look, I am female. My clock is ticking. I can't afford to waste infinite amounts of time trying to see if there is a way for us to resolve the sex issue. if it isn't resolved fairly soon, then I will have to go looking for another man to have kids with."
> 
> His response will tell you everything you need to know.


I kind of agree with this, but the catch is talking about it probably won't help matters any more going forward than what talking has helped in the past. 

In order for him to transform himself into the sexual being that you need him to be, he is going to have to do a lot (and perhaps A LOT A LOT) of heavy lifting and hard work. In order to do that, he is going to have to be highly motivated. 

Just talking about it and saying magic words likely isn't going to motivate him adequately for more than a few days. 

You're likely going to have to pack your bags and move out and file for D before he gets it. 

And then as Holdingontoit said above, his response will be your answer. 

If he hits the gym like a mad man and starts seriously addressing his issues in therapy and doing his therapy homework with fail, then you can consider it if he is actually having sex with you like a porn star consistently for a year or more. 

But if he just whines and cries and makes promises but still keeps packing away the Oreos and ducks out of therapy because it's foggy out or the cat is puking, then you know it's not gonna happen.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dazed Confused, so sorry that you are going through this, it cannot be easy esp when the world tells you that young men are all horny and want to ravage their wives every second of the day.
I agree with Ragnar, the tightness issue is a smokescreen, women are made to accommodate all sizes and if you are up for sex and at your age it is highly like you are already well lubricated and raring to go.
His obesity may be part of it, he may be self conscious about his body (men are too!) and he has got so used to be sexless that he doesn't want to now.
He needs to know that this is cement to the marriage.
I suggest you go for sex therapy, tell him, if he wont then you will and that you will consider divorcing him. I am sure it would be possible to get a Christian sex therapist.
Please do not have children with him until this is sorted out, otherwise you set yourself up for a very miserable lifetime.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Since you have said that you are a Christian, my answer is based on that.

You and your husband are one flesh. That means that you move and work together for the best interests of you as a couple. If you are unhappy, the marriage is unhappy and it is necessary for the two of you to work together to resolve it. If he is unwilling to do that, he has by definition deserted the marriage. Let him know that this is hurting you and it needs to be resolved. Let him know that you will do whatever is necessary to get this resolved, but you cannot do it alone. He is the one who seems disinterested and he is the one who needs to get to the bottom of whatever his problem is. You will go to the doctor with him or counseling to work through this, but it must be addressed.

Edited to add: I would not go to the pastor with this. Some pastors are fantastic, but others will make things far worse. From what I have seen, most make things worse. When my husband and I were young, we saw a pastor for help and he was fantastic. Going to talk to him over a period of several months made a huge impact in our marriage and our happiness, but our experience was not the norm from what I've seen.


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

Not normal at all. I was the fat guy who had no interest. I had gastric sleeve surgery and lost 100+ pounds. Had my testosterone tested and it was very low. I now rub a gel on my shoulder daily. I switched antidepressants. My wife instigates all the time. We are intimate at least twice a week. Have him see a doctor. Good luck.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Life must go on and we'll probably spend the rest of our lives figuring this out.*

You will spend the better part of your marriage in resentments just like 98% of the other couples with a mismatched sex drive if you don't get this worked out ASAP. How do i know? There are several websites just about men and women with no or very little sex drive and most of the relationships never improved unless both people worked diligently to resolve the mismatches.

Since the 1960's male testosterone and sperm counts have gone down dramatically and sexual frequency on average has decreased to a point more and more women are now the higher sex drive partner.

If your H started lifting weights, that builds muscle and more muscle increases a man's sex drive and more muscle burns calories calories when active and at rest.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Since you have said that you are a Christian, my answer is based on that.
> 
> He is the one who seems disinterested and he is the one who needs to get to the bottom of whatever his problem is. You will go to the doctor with him or counseling to work through this, but it must be addressed.


I wanted to echo this. This is very, very good advice here. I wanted to add, that God has given you all of the tools. However, there is a biblical principle which must be observed by both of you.

The words of our Lord Jesus Christ as recorded in Mark 11:24:

http://biblehub.com/parallel/mark/11-24.htm

I gave you the URL instead of simply quoting the verse, because the original-language is present there alongside the translated version.

I don't think your husband is "disinterested", and I have to say the "too tight" is not just an excuse. 

First, the "disinterested", one major reason why christians become "disinterested" in the results they want in their lives, is because they don't believe they can have them. No one, christian, or not, who doesn't believe his reward is available to him will invest the effort needed to attain his reward.

If your husband is also a christian, then he should be asked...."Who wrote the bible ?".... if he fails to understand the question in context, it shouild be continued "...either God wrote the bible, or He didn't....both cannot be true..."..... 

If your husband believes that God wrote the bible, then everything said in it is true, valid, and applicable to his sexual function and desire. All of the power imputed to your husband through the scripture may be at his disposal, to use for his benefit and the benefit of his marriage. Including sex. It's God's idea, not ours....

as to the fluidics part, a man's erection is one of the most fragile operations in all of God's economy. It appears through thought, and it disappears through challenges to the thought.

The problem is not that you are "too tight". Your husband makes that assumption because his erection probably doesn't disappear when it's unchallenged. His psychological fuel which keeps the blood in his penis is reduced by his beliefs. Those beliefs came from the world, and how he perceived his corner of it. He thinks himself incapable of providing good sex for you, therefore, his body just "lets go" and returns to a relaxed state.

This is how I was after my first wife cheated. In the initial period following, I didn't become erect at all. By and by, I would become erect, but when I attempted to penetrate, I'd lose it.

It took a medical doctor giving me injections of testosterone and niacin pills, and a few months, to overcome this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

As I say to most Christians in this situation, the bible says you can't divorce it doesn't say you have to live together. Threaten to move out if it doesn't change, if it still doesn't move out. At that point he will either divorce you or fix himself, if he does nothing your still in the same boat.

Your husband is in sin 1st Corinthians 7, and you can treat him as such. I personally see this as a reason to divorce, the bible says you can divorce for sexual immorality, withholding sex is a sin hence immoral. 

Have you tried to seduce him? Do you know what he is into so you can play into that?

Check your phone to see if he is cheating.

Figure out what his porn use is, this could be a big part of the problem.

Make him go get checked out by a doctor.

Also don't discount the same factor that lots of Christian men feel about their sexual nature as we are taught just out thoughts are sin. That can do some serious damage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@Dazed Confused, you must be enthusiastic during sex or he cannot proceed. According to the law of today, if you do not show him you consent, he is raping you. Consider this when attempting to get his attention for affection and sex. 

Considering the above, and for that reason, you cannot claim he is not upholding his commitment to you and thereby divorce. Work on that while working through this, if you don't already make it very plain that you consent.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Figure out what his porn use is, this could be a big part of the problem.
> Make him go get checked out by a doctor.


I've often said on here that I consider habitual porn use to be adultery. I consider it to be that because the Lord Jesus Christ told us and warned us against indulging in that kind of thought life.

Like all of God's commandments for us, this is no exception. He gave them all to us so that we could experience the best possible life under the circumstances of this present world.

I also use the "...looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..." logic..... habitual porn use has some of the same effects upon the marriage as outright adultery does.

I wish I were speaking to your husband, if I was, I would tell him that he is selling his pleasure and his joy and his self-esteem for a cheap price. Having a sexual union with his wife is the highest form of gratification which he can achieve. He is settling for the roach coach which is in the parking lot of Longhorn steak house.
While the steak house is open.....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have only written four posts.

Please respond with your opinions on our TAM member suggestions.

.........................................................

My answer?

No,this is not normal.

Sex is a small part of marriage, intimacy is a large part.
There is a difference between the two.

It sounds like he is depriving you of both.

Most couples your age have sex two to three times a week.
And they are intimate fifty percent of the remaining time.

For example:

Kissing.
Pats on the butt.
Quick feel ups.
Sexy smiles.
Sexy talk.
Laying ones head on the other.
Snuggling.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You have only written four posts.
> 
> Please respond with your opinions on our TAM member suggestions.
> 
> ...


And one of my favorites .....shower together !!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> I've often said on here that I consider habitual porn use to be adultery. I consider it to be that because the Lord Jesus Christ told us and warned us against indulging in that kind of thought life.
> 
> Like all of God's commandments for us, this is no exception. He gave them all to us so that we could experience the best possible life under the circumstances of this present world.
> 
> ...


If it's that, but it could also be the other things I listed. He could have lot T levels. He background in the church could have made him feel ashamed of his sexual nature. He could be gay. He could be angry at her or resent her about something. 

Bottom line is she need to force it come to a head.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> He could have lot T levels.


Yes, that's true. And, a variety of other physical problems can be playing upon it. It's time for the doctor.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

sokillme said:


> If it's that, but it could also be the other things I listed. He could have lot T levels. He background in the church could have made him feel ashamed of his sexual nature. He could be gay. He could be angry at her or resent her about something.
> 
> Bottom line is she need to force it come to a head.




...OR he is asexual and she will drive herself crazy trying to “fix” him. 

OP...RUN, don’t walk to the nearest exit. Unless you want to waste some of the best years of your life trying to make someone feel what they don’t...or CANT. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> You have only written four posts.
> 
> Please respond with your opinions on our TAM member suggestions.
> 
> ...


I hope she isn't baiting TAM members, but my gut tells me to stay alert. Those who do not at least comment on suggestions either don't like them or had hopes of justifying something. Another reason I don't like to post in these threads...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Original posting is a good example of why premarital sex is logical, reasonable, and smart; despite religious teachings.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

BigToe said:


> Original posting is a good example of why premarital sex is logical, reasonable, and smart; despite religious teachings.


I was right to be suspicious?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

How very sad that the OP is just so willing to settle for so little.

The *LAST THING ON EARTH* you should do is try to have a kid with this guy. If he's obese and not doing anything about it, then he simply doesn't respect himself enough to want to be healthier, so all the begging and pleading in the world isn't going to get him to lose weight. And if you start cooking healthy for him, he'll just be driving through McDonald's and eating before he gets home to that steamed fish and broccoli dinner you made for him.

In between dealing with _that_ lifetime bull**** of his obesity and his apparent inability to man the hell up and start making an *effort *in your marriage, you'd be a fool to trap yourself by having a kid with him. Seriously. Don't do it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How very sad that the OP is just so willing to settle for so little.
> 
> The *LAST THING ON EARTH* you should do is try to have a kid with this guy. If he's obese and not doing anything about it, then he simply doesn't respect himself enough to want to be healthier, so all the begging and pleading in the world isn't going to get him to lose weight. And if you start cooking healthy for him, he'll just be driving through McDonald's and eating before he gets home to that steamed fish and broccoli dinner you made for him.
> 
> In between dealing with _that_ lifetime bull**** of his obesity and his apparent inability to man the hell up and start making an *effort *in your marriage, you'd be a fool to trap yourself by having a kid with him. Seriously. Don't do it.




Spit it sister 


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## Dazed Confused (Dec 11, 2018)

All,

Thank you for all the advice and thoughts. I wanted to give you an update:

We talked about this issue again. Long story short, he has an issue called Phimosis where the foreskin doesn't retract, causing pain during sex and keeps him from penetrating. He says this has been the root of the problem, and the failure of being able to perform normally has discouraged him from even attempting it. Fixing the problem requires surgery, which he's been scared of, ashamed of and just kept ignoring it. 

The day after this conversation, he called a Urologist to discuss the problem - he has to schedule an initial appointment but surgery is expected to be scheduled mid-Jan. He's going to get his testosterone levels checked also.

I'm not sure if this will completely solve the problem and I can't help but think that our intimate life will never be normal. Some part of me keeps thinking all this is so forced. I'm dealing with a lot of resentment towards him - why didn't he fix this a year ago? why was he never honest about this? how did he let us go so long without ever bringing this up? if I didn't bring this topic up again, how long would this have continued?

Maybe I should be really happy right now that this problem has been addressed at least, but my heart is just heavy, I can't stop crying still. I feel total sadness inside.

Thanks again for all the advice.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This actually sounds like good news. I would be hopeful about how things might improve. It's pretty rare that there is a fixable medical issue at the root of this kind of problem. There will probably still be some work to do as a couple afterwards, but it sounds like you are getting a kind of reset for the issue.

As to why he didn't address it, often sexual issues come with a lot of shame and embarrassment. Maybe when he was younger he tried to talk with his parents or friends about it and they made him feel ashamed. If his family and church were conservative about sex, maybe he was ashamed to even bring it up in the first place. Young boys are much more likely to tease him about penis problems than to be understanding and help him deal with any issues. So I can totally understand how having an issue with his penis would lead to a lot of other issues around sex.

If both of you go into this with a good mindset, this problem can be fixed. Often it fails because the lower drive person shuts down or minimizes the issue and doesn't work on it. But if he and you both work together, you can get to a place where you're both happy with the level of intimacy. The fact that he is getting this issue addressed means you'll have a fresh start and a good chance at success.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Dazed Confused said:


> All,
> 
> Thank you for all the advice and thoughts. I wanted to give you an update:
> 
> ...


Think about something you keep secret from everyone, including him. Something so personal you just can't bring yourself to talk about it. It's a normal human thing to do that. It might be something big, or something little. But in a sense, it's big to you. And if he is a normal guy, sexual dysfunction is a big deal to him. 

As guys, we are supposed to just be able to do this stuff. Admitting there is something wrong can be a big deal. Talking about it can be a nightmare, especially if your significant other, without meaning to, makes you feel small.

Do you love him? Do you care more about being right, or finding a way through this together. If you care more about finding the way through this together, and you get through, this might be a really good thing for your relationship. It's your chance to be a safe place for him in a deeply personal area. It's your chance to show that you care about him just as he is. It's an opportunity.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dazed Confused said:


> I'm dealing with a lot of resentment towards him - why didn't he fix this a year ago?


He explained when he said he was ashamed. Men come to believe that nearly all of their personal worth is wrapped up in what their penis does, and is. How big it is, how well it pleases his partner, how long it "lasts", etc.

The world-at-large has a way of making us feel worthless.... football players, movie stars, HGTV, guys in our acquaintance set we see our wives swoon over....
we are just average.....and compare ourselves to the best qualities of others, as if 15 men all merge into one "Superman"....

And we seek to believe that maybe, just maybe, our marriage is one place we can be "king".....

Our wives seem to never "get it", I suppose, because our life's goal is "significance" and theirs is "security". I have only, in the last decade, been able to relate to my wife's desire for relationships. I feel no similar "need" inside me. 

She drives 150 miles twice a week to visit her mother (in professional care). She hates her brothers because they only go once every couple months. Case in point.

Thankfully, it's only a year. There are many men who have sexual problems for decades and won't seek any kind of help.
Doctors can fix this. It's a common problem. Other names are "buried penis" and "strangulation of the penis".



Wazza said:


> It's your chance to be a safe place for him in a deeply personal area. It's your chance to show that you care about him just as he is. It's an opportunity.


Deeply personal is an overwhelming understatement. If you can actually succeed in making your husband believe that you love him just as he is, you will be approaching perfection in marriage.

It's not going ot be easy, and it's not going to be quick. He's had years of self-loathing over this, accompanied by years of learning that he's "not supposed to need a safe place".... Be patient, and love him..... it'll be worth it....


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