# I lied about my sexual past



## 163018 - deactivated

I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. Last night I admitted that about 5 or 6 years before I met him, I was a sex worker. This was in my teens when I was going through a tough time, not just financially but emotionally. He now can't stand me. He said he would never have married me if he'd known and the reason he is staying is because of our child. He feels this is worse than the death of a parent or having an affair. Personally, I think this was a long time ago (we're talking about 15-20 years ago) and that it was a mistake from my past. Also that I am not that person and have not been for a long time. I no longer drink or take drugs and have not done so since before I met him. I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly. Now it seems I am being punished. He feels his entire world has broken down and he's suffering anxiety and depression because of it. I don't know where to go from here.


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## As'laDain

you lied to him. he thought you were honest. 

think about it... if you lied to him about that, what else are you lying about? you may have no other secrets, but he has no way of knowing that. plus, you arent what he thought you were. 

if you try to blame him for being upset/shocked/hurt, your just going to make things worse. give him time and deal with the consequences of lying to him. who knows, maybe he will decide that he loves you anyway. hopefully, you will give him all yourself so that he can accurately make that decision...


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## Yeswecan

Wanting to be honest now should have started when you two first met. Understand you hid something knowing if it was spoken would cause a problem. As you see now it has. You did not offer up the complete history and afford your H the opportunity to make a decision to continue the relationship culminating in marriage. In your mind this is history. In your H mind this is all new and raw. The person he mentally see before this was spilled now looks totally different to him. 

I hope you can work it out.


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## murphy5

congratulations about telling him the truth. That must have taken a LOT of nerve to do it. I am sure you realized the possible consequences.

So let me try to imagine his position. If it were me, i would feel pretty odd about being lied to at the start of the marriage. I would have been looking for a fairly "normal woman" to be my wife and a mother for my kids. Normal to me would be someone with an upbringing and life experiences similar to mine.

Since you had a very different set of experiences (sex trade and drugs) i would have trouble wrapping my head around that. I would wonder first, if you were clean when i met you--as far as STD's. Have you been tested back then and were 100% clean? any record of the health tests? 

I would then wonder if, based on your previous lower moral standards, if you can make a faithful loving monogamous wife? Have you been totally faithful to him since the marriage, during the courtship? are you willing to take a lie detector test to prove it to him? take a drug test to show you are 100% drug free?

Then i would worry if you can be a good mom to my kid? I mean, you ended up a sex worker....how do i know you will teach my kid the right morals for him/her to be an upstanding citizen, date the right type of people, have the moral compass instilled in them to choose a good marriage partner, be a hard worker in life? Hmmmmm....i guess that one i can observe. How much time do you spend playing with and teaching our kid. LIke, do you take the kid to the local kids museum and teach them stuff? Do you take the kid to Sunday school to learn about religion and proper values?

Since this was a pretty big lie...i would be looking to see if you no longer lied to me....even in very small things. Like i walk in the room, see you were watching a show, and ask you what it was. You do not say "oh nothing"...you say the exact details of the show "it is a show about this woman who is cheating on her husband, but she is having a tough time with it and slowly going insane"....i.e. you do not make up even small details to make things sound nicer...you ALWAYS tell the complete truth in even seemingly little things. Guys can tell...eventually....if you are not 100% truthful

I would be looking for some indication that YOU had fundamentally changed. I am not talking about "i got tired of the sex trade, and just wanted a single relationship that was easier on me...". I am talking more like "i had a revelation that the way i was living was wrong...i decided to change who i was....i spent a long time talking with my pastor....got some counseling....joined a church...it is hard...but i am working on the "new me" every day"?

And one biggie...you have to be a VERY willing sexual partner. ANYTHING i wanted to try, i would expect you to want to do to please me. If i ever had the idea that you did a certain sex act for pay with strangers, but you denied me that same sex act, that would be an insurmountable wedge in the marriage. You CAN use the wild and great sex as a healing means. I mean, if i have doubts about you, but am getting absolutely mind blowing kinky sex...all i can take....it would definately buy you some time for me to come around to loving you again.

So, i guess i could learn to live with it IF you were doing that sort of heavy lifting. And it may take a long while for me to come around. Maybe a good year or two. Good luck...you have started on the right path...see it thru to the end.


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## Anon Pink

You are not the same screwed up person you were then. You know it and want him to know it. Give him time and allow him to feel whatever he feels. Apologize for lying and keeping the lie going all these years, over and over again. Take responsibility for lying as many times as he needs you to.

You're not the same woman. Continue to hold your head up and continue to be the loving caring person you are. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't. 

If he doesn't come to grips and find a way to accept that your past isn't what he thought it was, you really are better off without him.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone! We can either learn from them or we are doomed to continue to make them. Your mistake was not being a screwed up teenaged sex worker, your mistake was hiding it. 

If men can accept and look the other way regarding men who USE sex workers and men who frequent titty bars, then men can also accept and cope with women who participated in that scene!

Give him time.


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## bfree

Anon Pink said:


> You are not the same screwed up person you were then. You know it and want him to know it. Give him time and allow him to feel whatever he feels. Apologize for lying and keeping the lie going all these years, over and over again. Take responsibility for lying as many times as he needs you to.
> 
> You're not the same woman. Continue to hold your head up and continue to be the loving caring person you are. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't.
> 
> If he doesn't come to grips and find a way to accept that your past isn't what he thought it was, you really are better off without him.
> 
> Everyone makes mistakes, everyone! We can either learn from them or we are doomed to continue to make them. Your mistake was not being a screwed up teenaged sex worker, your mistake was hiding it.
> 
> If men can accept and look the other way regarding men who USE sex workers and men who frequent titty bars, then men can also accept and cope with women who participated in that scene!
> 
> Give him time.


Right! If the OP has been a loving caring wife and mother for all these years I have a feeling that her husband will come around IF she helps him to work through his feelings. The biggest issue is NOT her past but her past deception. My only question right now is how honest is too honest. I'm a truth junkie. I advocate total truth in everything. But in this case I almost would caution her against being too truthful about the intimate details of her former profession. I have a feeling her husband will ask for deep details. Not because of some perverted vicarious thrill but because a huge part of her life has been hidden from him and he is trying to reconstruct the image of the woman he loves. But some of those details may haunt him for the rest of their marriage so she has to be very careful to be truthful but not disclose things that will hurt him greatly and totally blow up any chance for them to work through this.


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## Anon Pink

bfree said:


> Right! If the OP has been a loving caring wife and mother for all these years I have a feeling that her husband will come around IF she helps him to work through his feelings. The biggest issue is NOT her past but her past deception. My only question right now is how honest is too honest. I'm a truth junkie. I advocate total truth in everything. But in this case I almost would caution her against being too truthful about the intimate details of her former profession. I have a feeling her husband will ask for deep details. Not because of some perverted vicarious thrill but because a huge part of her life has been hidden from him and he is trying to reconstruct the image of the woman he loves. But *some of those details may haunt him for the rest of their marriage so she has to be very careful to be truthful but not disclose things that will hurt him greatly and totally blow up any chance for them to work through this.*


My thinking too. I think no woman should give many details about her sexual past. Generalities yes, but specifics, no. So prepare yourself to know where to draw the line on details.


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## richardsharpe

Good afternoon anon9876
If my wife told me now that she had been a sex worker as a teenager, the only negative feeling that I would have is that it took so long for her to trust me. Past is past, I would have no negative feelings about her.

I do not judge sex workers negatively. At a time when I was having serious money problems, I might well have accepted a sex-work job (yes including sleeping with men even though I'm a straight man), for enough money. 

You had reasons for what you did. Whether or not they seem like good reasons now, they did at the time. It may have even been the right choice for you at that time. Even if it wasn't their right decision, everyone makes mistakes in their lives. 

As far as I'm concerned, the issue is not that he should forgive you, but that there is nothing to forgive.

I'm sorry you husband is so bothered by it. I wish I knew what to suggest.





anon9876 said:


> I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. Last night I admitted that about 5 or 6 years before I met him, I was a sex worker. This was in my teens when I was going through a tough time, not just financially but emotionally. He now can't stand me. He said he would never have married me if he'd known and the reason he is staying is because of our child. He feels this is worse than the death of a parent or having an affair. Personally, I think this was a long time ago (we're talking about 15-20 years ago) and that it was a mistake from my past. Also that I am not that person and have not been for a long time. I no longer drink or take drugs and have not done so since before I met him. I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly. Now it seems I am being punished. He feels his entire world has broken down and he's suffering anxiety and depression because of it. I don't know where to go from here.


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## bfree

Anon Pink said:


> My thinking too. I think no woman should give many details about her sexual past. Generalities yes, but specifics, no. So prepare yourself to know where to draw the line on details.


I'm sure that period in her life is painful to think about and does NOT hold any pleasant memories. If she is truthful but explains this honestly he shouldn't press too much because I do believe he loves her. But she needs to hold that line because he will ask and in her zeal to come clean she might say something that may hurt him. Before we were married my wife disclosed a very painful episode in her life that involved sex but was not consensual. I have a track record of bad behavior of my own so this certainly didn't change my image of her one iota. But every now and then a thought about that incident pops into my head and makes me furious. In some ways I think it bothers me more than it bothers her. Men are weird like that I guess.


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## lenzi

You can't do anything.

The ball's in his court.

All you can do is be understanding and wait him out.

I'd say give him lots of sex but that might be the wrong approach given the circumstances.


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## Roselyn

What is done is done. Seek to be financially independent. How? There are trade certifications in community colleges such as dental hygienist & nursing assistance programs and many others. These curriculae can range from 1-2 years. Ask for a college career advisor in the community college in your area.

Establish respect for yourself and build your confidence. Perhaps, your husband can see the inner strength and beauty in you. This will take time for him to see and will take great effort & patience from you. You have a greater chance in making your marriage work when you can show that you are a good partner in life, financially, emotionally, and physically.

Your husband may move on and forgive you for not telling him your past (sex & drugs). However, he may not forgive you and divorce you. If you are financially independent, you will have a greater chance of rebuilding your life. (I am a woman.) My very best wishes to you.


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## lenzi

Roselyn said:


> What is done is done. Seek to be financially independent.


I'm thinking she tried that once before and it didn't work out so well.


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## Granada

It must have taken a lot of courage for you to reveal this ugly truth of your past. You did it with the intention of bringing complete honesty and transparency into your marriage. Or perhaps you felt guilty? If you weren't prepared for his reaction, then you obviously didn't think it through. And if you got what you expected, then you are going to have to be patient and understanding while he processes this information that is new to him, and has turned his world upside down.

I have to tell you right now, that I don't see many reasons to be optimistic about the outcome. it's not up to you to choose when you want to be honest. You have to always be honest, especially at the beginning. from his point of view, you misrepresented yourself, hooked him, then decided to tell the truth when it was "safe". It would have been better if you had been honest then, and he had walked away. You wouldn't have to go through the heartache of marriage, emotional bonding, kids, breaking up a family, etc. But what's done is done.

Now you will be under the microscope for a while. He will need to know you again, and to believe in you. He will need to see that you can be trusted. The process is very difficult, sometimes it may even be demeaning to you. When you are intimate, he may see images in his head, and that can make it hard for him to treat you fairly. Are you ready for this? It's very tricky, because if he cannot respect you, he can easily get into the habit of treating you badly. How do you let him vent without trampling on your dignity? Have you any idea? Do you guys normally have good communication skills when it comes to fights/arguments? Can you go to counseling? 

We don't know your husband's background/values, so it's hard to say if he will recover from this, or how long it will take. Let's hope for the best. No matter what happens, I hope you find support here and among your family and friends. You've left your past behind you, remember that. everyone makes mistakes, what matters is that you learn from them and move forward. You can only control your actions and choices, not his. Do your job well, and that's really all you can do. Best of luck.


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## larry.gray

What else did you tell him about your past? Was it ever discussed? 

The severity of the deception may relate that if he thought he was dude #2 or dude #3 and it really was dozens or more. If he was told dozens and just the for money part was the deception that's not as much of a shock for him.


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## Married but Happy

As Roselyn says, he may forgive you, or he may not - whether or not he decides to divorce you. If he doesn't forgive and normalize your relationship, you may need to divorce him.


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## 6301

You know when I read something like this it's a no win situation. You revealed your past to your husband, a part he knew nothing about and now your paying for it (and I am not throwing stones at you)

Sooner or later it comes out. Either for being caught in a lie or from a outside source but someway it rears it's ugly head in some form. 

It was good that you told him rather than having him here it from a friend or a stranger but honestly, this is the type of thing that he should have been told before marriage. If the rolls were reversed and he with held something really bad from his past that would have made you wonder if you want to marry him and now you find out then you would be feeling what he's feeling. I hope you can work this out.


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## richie33

Why did you reveal this at this time?


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## Anon Pink

richie33 said:


> Why did you reveal this at this time?






anon9876 said:


> I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly.


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## Elk87

I'm in a similar situation, but I'm in the role of your husband, and my situation is maybe not so extreme, though it's also very sad...

Been married 10 years. 

Have 2 kids. 

My wife LOVED sex before marriage and early on. Very exciting and adventurous. It was in those intimate things we shared an interest, which was special because it was completely OURS. 

Fast forward about 5 years and 2 kids later. Not only is the thrill gone, but her desire and passion for me. Then she reveals she had a very promiscuous youth and young adulthood, and never truly enjoyed sex but used it as a form of acceptance from others, to feel loved, etc. She even "put herself in some dangerous situations," and found herself raped on more than one occasion. 

I knew only of her being a bit "wild" in her years before me. Knew there was some regret. Wasn't told the details or the fact that she was faking her enjoyment of sex with me. Ugh! Hurts to even write that!!! 

I've been battling through all this s**t now for about 5 years.

We have 2 young children. 

I still love her, but we continue to have intimacy issues. She says she loves me, but feels very damaged & broken. 

She either kept it a secret because she loved me and didn't want to hurt me, and maybe thought it could be bypassed. Or...because selfishly she wanted husband, kids, family, and all that, and had she been honest from the start I may not have continued. 

Sometimes it feels like a bait & switch, and that sucks because I'm good looking, in-shape, and fairly successful and respected in my work. 

So, not just about me and my situation...OP, one thing you can do that my wife doesn't and feels hurtful: Play a VERY active role in your own healing. Emotionally, physiologically, spiritually, etc. Do it for your husband and your marriage and tell him you're motivated to renew as much as possible. Get healthy. Don't blame him. Don't resent him. You were deceptive in a pretty major way, so make it a priority to regain his love, trust and respect. 

If you curl up in a ball and neglect yourself and your marriage, then it is finished already.

I truly wish you the best!


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## 163018 - deactivated

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me. I'd like to say a few things. richardsharpe, thanks for your understanding and seeing it the same way I do. It sounds like you understand where I was coming from and what was going on. Anon Pink, thanks for being supportive and realising I am not that same person. And in terms of men who who use sex workers and the sex industry, he has done that. A few people asked what did he know about my background. He knew about the drugs, alcohol and that there were lots of men. He just didn't know some of them were johns. Also, he used to go to strip clubs with friends and he even used a prostitute. The difference he says, is that he disclosed the prostitute before we were married and that just because he used one there's no way he would have married one. He feels completely deceived and would rather find out I was anything except this. Personally, I think it's an overreaction. I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?


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## 163018 - deactivated

To monkeyboy: Sounds like a similar situation. I'm sorry about the hurt you're feeling. I have become a better person through this. I have not been through therapy but believe I am healing with God's help. I'm constantly trying to improve and part of that is wanting to live honestly without secrets.


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## Elk87

anon9876 said:


> To monkeyboy: Sounds like a similar situation. I'm sorry about the hurt you're feeling. I have become a better person through this. I have not been through therapy but believe I am healing with God's help. I'm constantly trying to improve and part of that is wanting to live honestly without secrets.



Very glad to hear you're healing. I don't know what kind of "baggage" you carry, in comparison to my wife, but if it feels heavy then maybe a good Christian counselor would be useful as well.


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## 163018 - deactivated

intheory said:


> Someone on here posted that you should be willing to do every sex act your H wants; to "make it up" to him or whatever. That's total crap. You shouldn't have to do any such thing.
> 
> I wish you all the best. Don't let your H, use this against you for the rest of your life. You messed up not telling him in the beginning. If you are sorry and mean it; he should be able to forgive you.


I think that's sound advice. Because, now he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants and that through this he can "partly heal". That doesn't feel right for me. Yes, I don't want this held against me for the rest of my life. I would like to think I wouldn't stand for that but without friends or family things seem pretty hopeless.


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## ConanHub

The big deal is the huge lie you used to get a relationship with your husband. He was honest with you and you lied your butt off. Sound like a fair and good way to start a marriage? Also, being a prostitute is a pretty damn big thing to hide. Your attitude about your lie and your background might not be the best (sarcasm) way to help your husband through this. It obviously is a big deal and you should be doing everything in your power to make it up to your husband. Ate you communicating with each other?

How about counseling? Find a counselor that deals with infidelity and PTSD. I know you didn't cheat, but your husbands symptoms are similar.

If you can't at least own up to the fact that being a prostitute is a pretty f'n big deal and that your lying about it was even worse, then you just might be done with your marriage and you can look in the mirror for who to blame.

With that being said. I am sorry for your painful past and current troubles. I actually may be in a similar situation as your husband. My wife had a less than stellar sexual history.

She has opened up about much but is afraid I won't love her if I know everything. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love her no matter what.

I think her final sexual secret could very well be that she had sex for money. She has already divulged rape, infidelity (hers) on multiple occasions, extreme promiscuity. 

The differences in us as opposed to you is that she has always been remorseful of her past and has proven that she is not that person anymore as well as letting me know that she has not told me everything. She is not trying to lie to me like you did to your husband. We have been working together to extract, bit by painful bit, her sexual history. At every step, I reassure her that I love her and we talk about the new revelation. She weeps often.

The other differences is with me and your husband. If I were him, I would be furious at your lie and seemingly"no big deal" attitude. If you had expressed extreme remorse over your past, I would have little problems. I would need to know if any of your former"customers" were still around and I would be heartbroken that the woman I love had been so hurt in her past.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry you felt you had to prostitute yourself. I am so sorry that your husband is so destroyed by this, sorry that he can't be more comfort for you and sorry for him too. This is unfair to him.

Do you really love him? Does his pain hurt you? Are you looking at yourself in all of this? What are you doing to help your husband through this? You have betrayed his trust. Coming on an anonymous forum and saying he is overreacting?

You can probably do better. 

BTW While I think prostitution is horrible and disgusting, I actually have hate for those that use prostitutes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

P.S. Having you recreate sex acts for him that were performed as a prostitute is a horrible idea! He should want that to be the last thing you or he is thinking about in the bedroom.

Do you believe your husband loves you? I cannot picture behaving this way towards my wife. I believe he has a good reason to be upset but is he showing you in anyway that he loves you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken

Wow. Wish I had more input OP but just wanted to offer some moral support.

I will say however that your husband's newfound entitlement to do as he will with your body has nothing to do with healing. It sounds abusive to me. While not the same, I had a friend who cheated on her boyfriend. When they reconciled, he raped her pretty brutally, forcing her to do things while asking her if her affair partner did her like "this" the whole time. I know the circumstances aren't the same but it reminded me of that. In any event, that isn't okay. I don't think what your husband is proposing is okay either.

I think counseling may be necessary here for your husband and/or marital counseling. I wish you good luck and healing whatever the outcome.


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## Anon Pink

anon9876 said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me. I'd like to say a few things. richardsharpe, thanks for your understanding and seeing it the same way I do. It sounds like you understand where I was coming from and what was going on. Anon Pink, thanks for being supportive and realising I am not that same person. And in terms of men who who use sex workers and the sex industry, he has done that. A few people asked what did he know about my background. He knew about the drugs, alcohol and that there were lots of men. He just didn't know some of them were johns. Also, *he used to go to strip clubs with friends and he even used a prostitute. The difference he says, is that he disclosed the prostitute before we were married and that just because he used one there's no way he would have married one. *He feels completely deceived and would rather find out I was anything except this. Personally, I think it's an overreaction. I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?


You H is being a hypocrit. But, that's okay for now. He has had his prescious little bubble burst, the bubble that makes it okay for him, wink wink nod nod, to go to titty bars and hire a hooker but not okay for a woman he loves to do the same...Damn...THING! That's probably a part of why he is so angry. He now has to come to terms with what he has done in his past -with a human face on it rather than just a sweet pair of knockers he can fondly recall. That's gotta be uncomfortable, you know?

This doesn't excuse your lying about your past, not one bit. But if you were able to forgive him, as 70% of wives do for their husbands who visited titty bars and even paid sex workers! he can do it too. Just needs time.

Regarding owing your husband all the kinda of sex he wants...

Bull SH!T!!!

You owe it to your husband to desire him and want to please him, but you don't owe him guilt sex or guilt sex acts. Have sex, or the kind of sex you want because it pleases both of you! It may please you to please him, or it may please you because you enjoy the hell out of it! Sex should always be a positive experience, not guilty or shameful!

Give it time. Be contrite for lying. Let the chips fall where they may. If he can't cope, you truly are better off without him. I wouldn't want a hypocrit like that as my partner!


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## bfree

True, your husband may indeed be feeling old guilt and shame for some of his past behaviors. But truly that's on him to come to terms with. All you can do is be the best woman you can be. And you don't owe him any more in the way of sex than you've shared your entire marriage. The men you were with during this tragic time in your life didn't respect you. I actually feel that even though it's a choice a prostitute is suffering abuse every time he/she engages in sex for money. So unless your husband wants to abuse you he has no right to demand more.


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## Anon Pink

ConanHub said:


> The big deal is the huge lie you used to get a relationship with your husband. He was honest with you and you lied your butt off.
> If you can't at least own up to the fact that being a prostitute is a pretty f'n big deal and that your lying about it was even worse, then you just might be done with your marriage and you can look in the mirror for who to blame.
> 
> With that being said. I am sorry for your painful past and current troubles. I actually may be in a similar situation as your husband. My wife had a less than stellar sexual history.
> 
> She has opened up about much but is afraid I won't love her if I know everything. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love her no matter what.
> 
> I think her final sexual secret could very well be that she had sex for money. She has already divulged rape, infidelity (hers) on multiple occasions, extreme promiscuity.
> 
> *The differences in us as opposed to you is that she has always been remorseful of her past a*nd has proven that she is not that person anymore as well as letting me know that she has not told me everything. She is not trying to lie to me like you did to your husband. We have been working together to extract, bit by painful bit, her sexual history. At every step, I reassure her that I love her and we talk about the new revelation. She weeps often.
> 
> . Coming on an anonymous forum and saying he is overreacting?
> 
> You can probably do better.
> 
> BTW While I think prostitution is horrible and disgusting, I actually have hate for those that use prostitutes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was harsh and uncalled for.

Because she isn't beside herself with self loathing she's not remorseful?

The OP's post was short and to the point, not filled with emotions, good or bad. I'm not seeing how you come to think she's not remorseful?

He IS over reacting! The guy engaged in the exact SAME behavior except he was the one paying! So which is he upset about? The lie itself, or the fact that his wife was once a sex worker?


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## NotLikeYou

anon9876 said:


> I think that's sound advice. Because, now he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants and that through this he can "partly heal". That doesn't feel right for me. Yes, I don't want this held against me for the rest of my life. I would like to think I wouldn't stand for that but without friends or family things seem pretty hopeless.


Well, anon9876, I had a pretty sarcastic reply ready to post. It probably would have earned me another ban.

I hope that you are a troll, but I have to treat you as genuine if I'm going to try to comment usefully.

People who do sex work are damaged individuals. There is something missing in them from the get-go, such that they choose that method of earning money in the first place. Please note that I am not saying they are bad, evil, insane, or defective. I am not making a moral judgment about them, just an observation.

There is a stigma attached to people who engage in sex work. even by people who utilize sex workers. The fact that it is a hypocritical double-standard does not mean that the stigma doesn't exist, it just means that some people are hypocritical about it.

NO man wants to find out that he married a sex worker. 

Your husband just found out that he married a sex worker.

You lied about your past, struggled with it, and finally set the record straight. And now you want to act like this is no big deal. It was a little lie, explained away like, "honey, I don't REALLY like dogs," or "your favorite shirt that disappeared? I got bleach on it and threw it away. Sorry!" The thing you elected to lie about is much more important. Having lied about it for years, it CANNOT just be waved away and dismissed.

With all due respect, as a wife who loves her husband, it seems like you would make efforts to be as much fun in bed as you could be, anyway. And taking the stance that "he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants" sounds to me like you are viewing sex as transactional rather than an act of love, and we all know what kind of people view sex acts as transactions.

In this day and age, marrying a virgin is the exception, and hasn't been the rule for a long time. But guys mostly like to think that previous lovers were inferior and irrelevant. They like to think their wife is special, pure, chaste, and many other silly things. Finding out that the woman they married used to have sex with strangers for money really impacts all those positive mental images that they have invested in.

So, yeah, counseling is in order. Lots and lots of counseling, if you can get your husband to go. You lied about something REALLY IMPORTANT to your husband. And the cold, hard truth is that, for whatever reason, YOU could not live with the lie, so now you have to live with the consequences.

Its not for me to tell you how to live your life or what to put up with, but if you want to work on making your marriage better, I would try real hard to look at things differently than your husband "feels entitled to have my body any way he wants."

If that is too hard, then think of it as the price of being married. And if you now find that price too steep to pay, then file for divorce and get out.

Its really important to keep in mind that you are not the victim here. You had a choice to lie or tell the truth. You went with "lie." You did that because you were pretty sure that if you told the truth, that the man you were dating would not have chosen to marry you.

And then, after going with "lie' for years, you decided for whatever reason to switch over to "tell the truth." Because honesty, in the sense of "well, I can get this off my chest now, and he probably won't file for divorce because he's too invested in the relationship." The immense weight of that lie you were carrying inside you for years? It didn't magically evaporate into the ether. By coming clean, you may have shrugged it off your shoulders, but it is now square on your husband's back, and it is beating him down terribly.

I think the most disappointingly ungrateful thing you said is the part, once again, about "entitled to have my body any way he wants it."

You should be thanking your lucky stars that he wants to have sex with you, period. A lot of guys would file for divorce, just disappear, go cheat with other women, or any number of other destructive behaviors. 

Your husband at least still wants to have sex with you, and rather than filling you with relief and joy, it fills your cup with resentment.

That says something really powerful about your character, and what it says is not good.


----------



## Anon Pink

Here come all the angry husbands! Let the double standards roll!


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## ConanHub

Anon Pink said:


> That was harsh and uncalled for.
> 
> Because she isn't beside herself with self loathing she's not remorseful?
> 
> The OP's post was short and to the point, not filled with emotions, good or bad. I'm not seeing how you come to think she's not remorseful?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Poor wording. Was tired. OP seemed a little remorseful in that she called herself"troubled" when she was selling herself. She doesn't appear that troubled today by seeming surprised that someone might think it was a big deal and might think lying about it was worse.
> 
> OPs husband told his ugly truth before marriage, she accepted him. OP lied large to trick him into marriage. You tell her she would be better off without him if he can't get over this. He told her as much by saying he would not have married her if he had known. She should have told him then and avoided this entrapment. She lied to him for ten years of his life in which he married her and had a kid with her. Now that he is fully trapped, she reveals the truth. She needs to see the fullness of her treachery.
> 
> With that being said. I think God could be teaching him a lesson. He treated a human being like a pay toilet, for his temporary relief. He now finds that a woman who was treated as poorly as his prostitute by him is now his wife and mother of his children.
> I am simply being objective. I would react differently if I were her husband. I would be outraged at the lie and pretty severely pissed about her "what's the big deal" attitude, but I would still love and cherish her and unlike her husband, I would have married her anyway as long as she proved she had changed. I also have never and would never buy another human being for my sexual gratification.
> 
> To OP. It is a big deal to sell your ass. It shows you have a long way to go in your thinking if you don't see what the big deal is about taking multiple penis's in your body for money. If it is no big deal then by all means, tell your daughter. Maybe she can make a little cash to help with college. Maybe you could let your son know that he would just be helping out if he bought girls for his pleasure.
> 
> I know you don't feel that way but your statement about taking money for it was callous.
> 
> Is this the same attitude you are showing your husband? I do not totally agree with your husbands stance but I don't totally agree with yours either. You both need to change more from who you both were to who you need to be.


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## LongWalk

There is currently a huge industry with cam girl prostitution. Are all the women who participate permanently ruined. Hopefully not.

It is very important that you maintain your self respect. You should act with integrity and dignity in your discussions with him. You have damaged your marriage by your confession, but can be what you wanted, a point from which to improve your relationship.

I would explain to him how you rebuilt yourself after quitting prostitution.


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## ConanHub

She damaged her marriage by lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

I imagine most men would not marry a former prostitute willingly if they knew before hand that's what she was involved in. Right or wrong, I think you made a mistake telling him. At least waiting several years after he was married and had a child with you anyway. You should have told him from the start. He'll either move on past this or he won't. And while I would never sleep with a prostitute myself, I think there's a huge difference between paying to sleep with one and unknowingly marrying a former one.


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## ricky15100

Did you tell him out of fear of him finding out? Have you lived a life of looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop?


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## 163018 - deactivated

A few things. I agree that I kept it hidden for fear of him leaving. He is sickened both by what I did and by hiding it. He feels that paying for sex is completely different from "being the ***** that he married". Personally, I think this is a double standard. He also had an emotional affair a couple of years ago that I only found out by accident. He left his email open while in the shower and I saw all these emails from his ex. They were very flirty and although they never met up again in person the emails were very wrong. He doesn't believe in emotional affairs but I do. He just gets angry when I mention it and says I "take things out of context". I guess this whole thing is just a mess. Is it better to give him lots of space and to avoid each other or try to do normal things together like taking the baby to the park? I'd also be interested to know what others think about the existence of emotional affairs and what constitutes one. Because, I think that is more of breach of trust.


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## T&T

anon9876 said:


> I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?


anon, I was trying to think about how I'd feel if my W dropped this on me and I know I'd be upset, FOR SURE. But, knowing her as I do, I'd probably get over it seeing how long ago it was and knowing she's in a good place now.

But, if she ever said those words you wrote, I'd walk out the effing door!

Of course it matters!! The fact that you actually wrote this tells me your moral compass is still screwed up...


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## 2ntnuf

I suppose you have been a respectable wife all along the line, since you got married, otherwise you'd be divorced. I say, keep on keepin' on. Do what he is used to you doing.

Get to MC and talk about this. If you think you have baggage left over from the prostitution, get to IC. It's likely your husband needs IC as well, after hearing this.

I think you forgave yourself because you have made a good respectable life for yourself and you thought he loved and respected you so much, he would take this better. You never know how someone will take their wife doing this. Other women, they might give a pass, but not their wife. It's different when you have to go through it yourself. Yeah, it is a double standard. I'd venture to say we all have some double standard. I think it has to do with empathy. Empathy isn't always sensible or logical, because it's based in emotions.

I hope you don't just have whatever kind of sex he wants. That's unlikely to help and more likely to just reinforce his thoughts that you are not respectable. If you want to do something out of love and fun, that's different. 

The double standards I see here are that it's okay for her to be a sex worker or even a phone or cam sex worker, but the same women might go to a thread and lambaste a husband who uses porn and complain about how he is using these poor women forced into doing this stuff and they should be ashamed. 

You chose to do this out of dire need. I suspect you'd choose something else today, if you were in that same position? Maybe it was pretty lucrative and you justified it? Either way, I don't see how it can be very fun or rewarding, and I'm sorry you felt you had to do that. 

On the other hand, it is attractive in a kinky sort of way. It's the same way many men post about watching their wife with another man. It's some odd fantasy that is best left as a fantasy, because all it will do is ruing everything. Some things are best left to imagination. No one gets hurt that way. Marriages don't suffer. 

I think most men would do this stuff with women when they are single. I think that's what many here mean when they tell folks to go out and have fun and enjoy sex. 

What then, is the difference between something like that and this? Is it the money exchanged for the services? Is it the acts performed? It's more intimate between two singles than the business-like atmosphere of prostitution, I'd imagine. 

Many women will divorce a husband using these types of porn or a prostitute. I've read posts by women here many times, where using prostitutes or cam girls, and in some cases, just porn, is a deal breaker. I'm not advocating prostitution. I'm asking if it's different now because she was a prostitute and he used to go to them? What made this palatable for some women? 

Maybe a discussion about that would help OP to understand where her husband is coming from? Maybe a new thread started by her would help? There are double standards on all sides of this and always will be. We align ourselves with those who think similarly. No one is wrong except maybe those advocating her husband use her like a piece of meat, and I'm not so sure that's what they mean.

Edit: After seeing Miss Taken's post after this. I feel sorry for some of what I posted. Somehow, and I don't know how, I missed the part that OP was a teenager when this prostitution stuff happened. I apologize to you OP for some of this post. I truly made a mistake and missed that part. I was speaking as if you were an adult when the prostitution happened. There is no excuse for child prostitution and it is illegal as well as disgusting to force a child into this lifestyle. I'm very sorry I made that mistake.


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## leon1

I would say your husband is still in shock about it ,and is dealing with it by saying things in anger .It must be horrible for him to find out he has been lied to since he has known you , i am sure it makes him feel like he doesnt know you at all . I hope you work it out


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## treyvion

intheory said:


> What kind of sex worker? Standing on a street corner? Yikes, that's brutal; glad you survived.
> 
> Stripper in a club? Is that so bad, really. Although you say there were johns. But strippers do have sex with customers sometimes; or so I've read.
> 
> Wow. Your H has gone to strip clubs and used a prostitute; but is still being judgemental. That's too bad. Yeah, I know he said it's because of the numbers involved. It still seems judgemental to me.


Someone could decide they wouldn't want the risk of dealing with someone with that sort of past and that sort of mindset. It would be a good safe decision for a male or a woman to have that as one of their rules.



intheory said:


> I can understand your H being in shock, and having trouble believing in your honesty from now on. I think you guys should really go to MC.
> 
> Someone on here posted that you should be willing to do every sex act your H wants; to "make it up" to him or whatever. That's total crap. You shouldn't have to do any such thing.


Not so sure I agree. I don't agree that husband should be able to do every degrading and painful thing he wants to you. However I do agree if there has been anything off the table for the husband that you used to do for one of your customers, even if they had to pay to get it, that you should do it for your husband.

It doesn't matter that you didn't like it and you did it for the money, you can do it to please your husband. What I'm getting it is some of this things that you don't or "can't" do, that you have done and you have done it not to please someone, but for green pieces of paper. So you CAN still do it.



intheory said:


> I wish you all the best. Don't let your H, use this against you for the rest of your life. You messed up not telling him in the beginning. If you are sorry and mean it; he should be able to forgive you.


H should not be able to use it against you for the rest of your life. I think you should go to some sort of counselling or psychotherapy to get you past this stage. Do it part with your husbands involvement.

Many of us have done things in our youth and as a young person that could be judged critically, but we don't do them anymore, we learned our lessons.

Did he ask you how many clients you had?


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## Miss Taken

I am way more disgusted by some of the answers here than I am that OP ever was a prostitute. Specifically, those that encourage her to let him use her body. Despicable.

I'm sure she wasn't happy or proud to prostitute herself.

OP was a teenager - a CHILD when she did this. I don't presume to know about her life that led her to drugs and CHILD PROSTITUTION but I do know that most prostitutes don't come from healthy homes. Many of them have been molested, raped or otherwise abused and neglected and that is a contributing factor to why they ended up on drugs and using prostitution to make money. Then the cycle repeats itself - drug addiction to escape painful past, prostitution to get money for drugs, drugs to escape painful past and pain from prostituting one's self. 

I'm sure the sex acts with those men were not pleasurable for a teenaged child to engage in. Whether money was exchanged or not. Telling her to give hubby something that she gave to a John but didn't give to him is asking her to revictimize herself. Yes, I say victim. Some drug addicted child - especially if coming from an abusive foundation who finds herself a prostitute is being taken advantage of, being used and victimized by adult men who should know better. 

Lying is wrong. I'm sure it is but if this is the attitude/advice from healthy, respectable men I'm not sure OP is better off having told the truth.


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## 2ntnuf

Miss Taken said:


> I am way more disgusted by some of the answers here than I am that OP ever was a prostitute. Specifically, those that encourage her to let him use her body. Despicable.
> 
> I'm sure she wasn't happy or proud to prostitute herself.
> 
> *OP was a teenager - a CHILD when she did this.* I don't presume to know about her life that led her to drugs and CHILD PROSTITUTION but I do know that most prostitutes don't come from healthy homes. Many of them have been molested, raped or otherwise abused and neglected and that is a contributing factor to why they ended up on drugs and using prostitution to make money. Then the cycle repeats itself - drug addiction to escape painful past, prostitution to get money for drugs, drugs to escape painful past and pain from prostituting one's self.
> 
> I'm sure the sex acts with those men were not pleasurable for a teenaged child to engage in. Whether money was exchanged or not. Telling her to give hubby something that she gave to a John but didn't give to him is asking her to revictimize herself. Yes, I say victim. Some drug addicted child - especially if coming from an abusive foundation who finds herself a prostitute is being taken advantage of, being used and victimized by adult men who should know better.
> 
> Lying is wrong. I'm sure it is but if this is the attitude/advice from healthy, respectable men I'm not sure OP is better off having told the truth.


Somehow I screwed up and missed that part. I edited my post to reflect my feelings about that. I apologize for some of what I posted.


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## bfree

*Re: Re: I lied about my sexual past*



Jasel said:


> I imagine most men would not marry a former prostitute willingly if they knew before hand that's what she was involved in. Right or wrong, I think you made a mistake telling him. At least waiting several years after he was married and had a child with you anyway. You should have told him from the start. He'll either move on past this or he won't. And while I would never sleep with a prostitute myself, I think there's a huge difference between paying to sleep with one and unknowingly marrying a former one.


During my bad times I bedded a lot of women. I didn't respect any of them and did things that I am ashamed of. With God's help I rebuilt myself into the man I am today. I told my wife everything about me because I didn't want a relationship that wasn't completely open and honest. She accepted me for who I was not who I had been. I would hope that most women are similarly understanding because I know a lot of men who were just as bad as I was. I would also hope that men would understand that many women do not have a past that they are completely proud of and would accept them and love them. I agree that the OP was undeniably wrong for lying but if she's been a good woman all these years and if her husband truly loves her I would think this could be worked through.


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## 2ntnuf

bfree said:


> During my bad times I bedded a lot of women. I didn't respect any of them and did things that I am ashamed of. With God's help I rebuilt myself into the man I am today. I told my wife everything about me because I didn't want a relationship that wasn't completely open and honest. She accepted me for who I was not who I had been. I would hope that most women are similarly understanding because I know a lot of men who were just as bad as I was. I would also hope that men would understand that many women do not have a past that they are completely proud of and would accept them and love them. I agree that the OP was undeniably wrong for lying but if she's been a good woman all these years and if her husband truly loves her I would think this could be worked through.


I'm just not sure about this. I hope it works out in favor of commitment and love, but some folks just can't get past this stuff, no matter the circumstances or the counseling involved.


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## bfree

2ntnuf said:


> I'm just not sure about this. I hope it works out in favor of commitment and love, but some folks just can't get past this stuff, no matter the circumstances or the counseling involved.


I can see instances where religious considerations might play into it. But since the OP's husband used a prostitute in the past I don't think that applies. Fact is that she is not that person anymore. Presumably she's been an upstanding woman throughout the entirety of their marriage. Yes he has a right to be angry that she lied to him but I don't believe it should change the love he has for her.


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## bfree

Geesh Anon, I hate it when you hold back...lol


----------



## 2ntnuf

bfree said:


> I can see instances where religious considerations might play into it. But since the OP's husband used a prostitute in the past I don't think that applies.


I don't know all about religions. I know something about Christianity and what I have practiced. I'm not always correct in my assumptions, but I do try. What I am saying is, if you think that Christianity has anything to do with unforgiveness, you completely misunderstand it's basis. It's all about having faith that someone did something for you and you don't have to pay for it. You receive the benefit of it by sincerely asking forgiveness and changing your life to reflect...well, love of God and others.

What most people forget is that it's impossible for a human to not make mistakes and bad choices. In this circumstance, it would be the mistake or choice not to be truthful. In the husband's case, it would be the mistake, choice, or inability to forgive. 



bfree said:


> Fact is that she is not that person anymore. Presumably she's been an upstanding woman throughout the entirety of their marriage.


I got that. 



bfree said:


> Yes he has a right to be angry that she lied to him but I don't believe it should change the love he has for her.


Maybe it shouldn't, but we are each an individual and actually, if she would have brought this up, she might have saved herself a lifetime of investment to find out the payoff isn't what she wanted or thought it would be. She is just as much ripped off as he is. She needed a more understanding man. 

I guess I'm defending his right to his own opinion, as long as it doesn't hurt her, not that he thinks she is less respectable. I don't have an issue with her or what she did or had to do. I am on the side, after being reminded that she was involved as a child, that she is not at fault, period. 

Being that there were lies, I don't think anyone can expect a standard reaction. 

Like I said, it would have been nice if she knew this before she decided to marry him, and honesty would have brought it to the surface. Now, she is as stuck as he is. 

I am changing my position. I think she should request he go to MC. I think she needs to get her ducks in a row and look at what it would take to divorce him and then make tentative plans, filling out the necessary paperwork except the date. 

If things don't go well, I think she needs to file and find a man who will accept her for who she is. A life with a man who doesn't respect her will be hell. 

I think she has proven herself.


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## 2ntnuf

lenzi said:


> Maybe you should start a poll. 'Men only please: do you think there is any difference between a sl*t and a lying wh*re?'
> 
> My guess is that most responses would be yes.


Actually, I am confused and have been all of my life. If there was no scarring or mental disorder associated with/from the prostitution, I think I would have more respect for the prostitute. 

I'm not certain of this, but it's how I am leaning, and I think I always have, since I understood what sex, prostitution and promiscuity are defined as.


----------



## T&T

We have to remember that this happened 15 years ago and she was a drug addict and CHILD. She confessed because she wanted honesty in her relationship with her H. It was a long time coming and I'm sure was extremely difficult to confess! I'm sure it weighed on her huge for the last ten years while married to him! 

She confessed, her H is angry and it'll take time for things to settle down. He may be willing to forgive her, maybe not...I think he's being a complete a$$ about the sex thing and it will hurt her again just like the John's did in the past. She reliving it now, I'm sure. 

She didn't outright lie, she lied by omission. Can you imagine bringing this horrible past up with anyone? TBH, I'm surprised that she did and most, I think, would bury it forever. This tells me how much she truly loves her H! I hope he can forgive her. I think he has a very loving W here. 

The only thing I have a problem with is her statement that said "did it really matter that I got paid"


----------



## T&T

murphy5 said:


> i think you are getting some really bad advice on here.
> 
> If i was your husband, and wanted anal sex for instance, and you refused, and i know you gave it to paid johns previously...i would kick you out so fast your head would spin. You are not in a position to demand anything from hubby.
> 
> I am not saying it is ok for him to abuse you. I am saying ANY sex act you have previously done with anyone has to be available to him for the asking. period. otherwise he will feel you are not commited to making this marriage recovery work.
> 
> This is just the same as finding a cheating spouse had all sorts of weird sex with a cheating partner, but during reconciliation she is refusing you anything but the blandest grudging sex. Same outcome, kick them to the curb, they are not serious about reconciliation.


Murphy, 

So, you think because she was a *drug addicted child* who needed a *fix* and preformed acts she hated, means she should do them for H too?

Really?!


----------



## Roselyn

murphy5 said:


> If i was your husband, and wanted anal sex for instance, and you refused, and i know you gave it to paid johns previously...i would kick you out so fast your head would spin. You are not in a position to demand anything from hubby.
> 
> I am not saying it is ok for him to abuse you. I am saying ANY sex act you have previously done with anyone has to be available to him for the asking. period. otherwise he will feel you are not commited to making this marriage recovery work.
> 
> This is just the same as finding a cheating spouse had all sorts of weird sex with a cheating partner, but during reconciliation she is refusing you anything but the blandest grudging sex. Same outcome, kick them to the curb, they are not serious about reconciliation.


A husband who is a gentleman would not ask a sex act that would not be acceptable to a wife; former sex worker or not. It's simply a display of disrespect.


----------



## 2ntnuf

> The only thing I have a problem with is her statement that said "did it really matter that I got paid"


See, being that she was a child then, this does bother me. It's like she is saying she knew exactly what she was doing and chose to do it anyway. I think that's how and where I forgot she was a child. It's something an adult would say when they chose something freely of their own will. 

I think it was just that she is an adult now and can look at it from a different perspective. 

In any case, this is where I get confused. I personally lean toward the thinking that, if she was an adult when she was prostituting herself, and this statement was made, I'd have to think that at least she felt she was worth something more than just a dinner and an orgasm. I'm doubting she had any if at all. I just find it ironic when I think about the difference in how it's paid for and the thoughts surrounding it. 

I mean, many women don't have an orgasm in a ONS or the first time with a new partner. What's the difference? The exchange of money. I don't know. I'm still confused about my stance on this.


*Edit:*


> she never said she was a child. She was a grown up as a prostitute.


I wish she would come back and make this perfectly clear.


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## bfree

murphy5 said:


> she never said she was a child. She was a grown up as a prostitute.
> 
> And yes, most men would demand all the sex acts be available. If her hubby thinks like i do, he would for sure kick her azz out if there was any hesitation. Remember, he is pretty pissed off already...anything new that smells funny from her and its game-over


So let's say she had to perform anal sex as a prostitute. She didn't like it. It hurt and was degrading. But she was forced to. So now she has to submit to this same painful degrading act with HER HUSBAND! Really? How are they going to have any kind of loving relationship after that? Is she going to respect him like a wife should after that? No, she is going to look at him just as she looked at those POS men who used her in the past. And her husband is going to love and respect her after that? Really? I know if I loved my wife I certainly wouldn't take advantage of her like that. You're way off base here my friend. Better to divorce first and at least maintain a friendly co parent relationship for their child's sake because at that point the marriage would be over!


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## treyvion

Roselyn said:


> A husband who is a gentleman would not ask a sex act that would not be acceptable to a wife; former sex worker or not. It's simply a display of disrespect.


Women are onto the "gentleman" game and play it for all it's worth.

If you know she does a certain act, likes it, or has no problem performing it, yet for you you are compartamentalized, you don't have to stay with her.


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## T&T

murphy5 said:


> she never said she was a child. She was a grown up as a prostitute.


She was a drug addicted teenager. That is a still a child in my books.


----------



## T&T

2ntnuf said:


> See, being that she was a child then, this does bother me.


That statement was made in post #20. Present day.


----------



## treyvion

T&T said:


> That statement was made in post #20. Present day.


How long ago was the prostitution?

Does she still talk to anyone "in there"?

Has she had any of her old customers and former comrades in the "game" around him?

Are there any other secrets?

Does she look at sexuality with her husband in a dimmer light as a result of her past?


----------



## SimplyAmorous

anon9876 said:


> And in terms of men who who use sex workers and the sex industry, he has done that. A few people asked what did he know about my background. He knew about the drugs, alcohol and that there were lots of men. He just didn't know some of them were johns. *Also, he used to go to strip clubs with friends and he even used a prostitute. The difference he says, is that he disclosed the prostitute before we were married and that just because he used one there's no way he would have married one.* He feels completely deceived and would rather find out I was anything except this. Personally, I think it's an overreaction. I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?


I feel BECAUSE of your husband's past himself and what he has engaged in...he SHOULD be more understanding to where you have been, given he indulged in similar circles.. I do feel this is hypocritical on his behalf... someone mentioned his dealing with his own shame.. he would never admit this right now... but let's hope he is ...

The hiding/ lying was wrong... not trying to diminish this... but I don't see much of a difference in sexual views given his past behavior...so his harsh judgment ON WHAT YOU HAVE DONE is misplaced somehow -how can he not see his own dirty hand -with those prior women.

I am feeling there SHOULD be HOPE here with his coming around, he is not a man of upstanding moral convictions by any means himself.. you then mentioned his having an EA... 

If anything, his own mistakes SHOULD allow him to take it easier on you.. so I feel.. 

You mentioned God in a post.. so I assume you have turned over another leaf here..why you felt compelled to come clean *now*...getting things right between God and MAN... 

Not to mention what it internally does to us ...living with a lie, hiding this part of ourselves , it's not fair to You either.. we all need to be loved & accepted for who we are, where we came from.. and what we've learned from our choices of the past... this helps heal us as well... Not everyone will be understanding when you share this sort of thing (an understatement) .. ...but I feel it is very courageous of you.. and I do hope you and he can come together and make this work...to get past THIS...even for the good ...

Sometimes love really does conquer all things..I am reading a book right now -very slowly I might add , called " No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction: Marnie C. Ferree, : Books...it's a triumphant & very inspiring story of a woman who also lied ...about her hidden sexual addiction ...she cheated in all her marriages.. but she came clean.. her NOW husband stood beside her ... they worked through this together and now she is the forerunner in helping/counseling women who have struggled with sex addiction.. if God has a plan for you..your honesty here will not be in vain...

Hold fast to the good woman/wife you have been..(without diminishing the lie )....continue to show him what you are made of-this coming clean was the hardest thing you've ever done.. but you felt it was right .....and Pray he comes around.. I just believe it can happen..


----------



## 2ntnuf

2ntnuf said:


> *See, being that she was a child then, this does bother me.* It's like she is saying she knew exactly what she was doing and chose to do it anyway. I think that's how and where I forgot she was a child. It's something an adult would say when they chose something freely of their own will.
> 
> I think it was just that she is an adult now and can look at it from a different perspective.
> 
> In any case, this is where I get confused. I personally lean toward the thinking that, if she was an adult when she was prostituting herself, and this statement was made, I'd have to think that at least she felt she was worth something more than just a dinner and an orgasm. I'm doubting she had any if at all. I just find it ironic when I think about the difference in how it's paid for and the thoughts surrounding it.
> 
> I mean, many women don't have an orgasm in a ONS or the first time with a new partner. What's the difference? The exchange of money. I don't know. I'm still confused about my stance on this.
> 
> 
> *Edit:*
> 
> *I wish she would come back and make this perfectly clear.
> 
> 
> Edit to Add for my response to T&T: Post #20 below.*





anon9876 said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me. I'd like to say a few things. richardsharpe, thanks for your understanding and seeing it the same way I do. It sounds like you understand where I was coming from and what was going on. Anon Pink, thanks for being supportive and realising I am not that same person. And in terms of men who who use sex workers and the sex industry, he has done that. A few people asked what did he know about my background. *He knew about the drugs, alcohol and that there were lots of men. He just didn't know some of them were johns.* Also, he used to go to strip clubs with friends and he even used a prostitute. The difference he says, is that he disclosed the prostitute before we were married and that just because he used one there's no way he would have married one. He feels completely deceived and would rather find out I was anything except this. Personally, I think it's an overreaction. I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?





2ntnuf said:


> I wish she would come back and make this perfectly clear.





T&T said:


> That statement was made in post #20. Present day



Where in post #20? I must have missed it.


----------



## ConanHub

murphy5 said:


> i think you are getting some really bad advice on here.
> 
> If i was your husband, and wanted anal sex for instance, and you refused, and i know you gave it to paid johns previously...i would kick you out so fast your head would spin. You are not in a position to demand anything from hubby.
> 
> I am not saying it is ok for him to abuse you. I am saying ANY sex act you have previously done with anyone has to be available to him for the asking. period. otherwise he will feel you are not commited to making this marriage recovery work.
> 
> This is just the same as finding a cheating spouse had all sorts of weird sex with a cheating partner, but during reconciliation she is refusing you anything but the blandest grudging sex. Same outcome, kick them to the curb, they are not serious about reconciliation.


You are clearly missing something. Being a teenage drugged out prostitute was harmful, degrading and abusive. 

She got away from that crap and healed. She moved forward and did not relapse while married and did not cheat.

Your comparisons are mind boggling. Do you think an ex prostitute is an object?

If your daughter was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years where she was raped with regularity and forced into acts that she found unpleasant or even painful, would you advise her to submit to the same treatment from her current relationship?

How about if you had a previous relationship where some crazy b!tch drugged you, tied you up, invited some men over to anally rape you while she defecated on your face to give her a mind blowing orgasm?

You probably would not stay in that relationship long?

How about years later you feel secure enough with your wife to open up about how you were abused?

How about instead of love and sympathy, your wife gets angry and distant claiming that you never did that for her?

Until you find yourself in a situation like I just described and can still say to an abused ex prostitute that she should relive the "glory" days , just like you would undergo kidnap, anal rape and sh!t on your face so your current wife can be satisfied, THEN STFU!!!!

You are offensive in the extreme to compare an ex child prostitute to an adulteress wife!!

Walk a couple of miles in her shoes and see if you have the same opinion. If you do, you are insane.


----------



## Miss Taken

murphy5 said:


> *i think you are getting some really bad advice on here.*
> 
> If i was your husband, and wanted anal sex for instance, and you refused, and i know you gave it to paid johns previously...i would kick you out so fast your head would spin. You are not in a position to demand anything from hubby.
> 
> I am not saying it is ok for him to abuse you. I am saying ANY sex act you have previously done with anyone has to be available to him for the asking. period. otherwise he will feel you are not commited to making this marriage recovery work.
> 
> This is just the same as finding a cheating spouse had all sorts of weird sex with a cheating partner, but during reconciliation she is refusing you anything but the blandest grudging sex. Same outcome, kick them to the curb, they are not serious about reconciliation.


Bad advice indeed.

Using emotional blackmail or coercion for sex is abuse. A man saying or even implying ("if you don't fvck me the way you did those Johns I'm leaving") is both coercive and blackmailing. Spin it however you like but it's not in the least a healthy o viable solution. 

The FACTS:

She was an underage, teen prostitute - a minor, a child.

She was under the influence of and/or addicted to drugs when this happened.

I don't care if she had bells and whistles on and signs saying "do me long time fifty dollars" around her neck. There was no capacity there to even consent for the reason that she was a child and under the influence of drugs.

Her husband perused prostitutes and strippers for sex himself before they met. His only redeeming factor as compared to her is that he was up front about it before they wed. She was wrong in hiding it from him. However, this guy sounds like a real "winner" too (not). As he is just as culpable for deception as he has cheated on her and is unremorseful about that. In my mind, she owes him not. 

OP, you lied. That was wrong. If your husband leaves you, he is well within his right to do so but he is not in the right to demand you objectify and dehumanize yourself now so he can "partly heal". I also like that he said "partly heal" to me that's telling of a man that wants to play victim and use this situation so he can "partly heal" again, and again and again. Puh-lease.

You have since reformed and redeemed yourself of prostitution. To prostitute yourself to your husband in hopes of saving the marriage would be regression towards your past behaviours and the healing you have done. It will hurt you emotionally and it will make your husband respect you even less than he already does. A man that demands that of you is not worth staying with. 

It makes no sense for him to demand you behave in a way he is apparently abhorred by and doesn't desire in a wife. 

This is not the same as cheating. I will never understand why men (although some women) seem entitled to screw anyone on two legs but expect that they deserve a woman who is chaste. Madonna/***** syndrome much? 

Say a man robbed a bank fifteen years ago and served time for it. He finally, after ten years of marriage revealed to his wife his past criminal behaviours. Up until that point he'd been honest and hardworking and a loyal husband. However she struggled with his revelation and felt betrayed by his past. Would you tell him to rob another bank to make it up to her? He is a lying thief after all, she should get the benefits of "free" stolen money that his ex girlfriends had consequences to his new integrity be damned. She needs to heal who cares how he feels or how it may hurt him to regress to that. 

I am not a religious woman though was brought up that way. Even Jesus loved prostitutes. Look up the story about Jesus and the prostitute and the Pharisee. See who Jesus had more compassion and favor for in his heart. Lest us not forget about the passage about the adulterous woman where Jesus told those without sin to cast the first stone. Funnily enough, nobody could cast a stone as it would be hypocritical for them to do so.


----------



## Roselyn

treyvion said:


> Women are onto the "gentleman" game and play it for all it's worth.


This attitude, if held by any man, is not a good one. A gentleman is always preferable to a coarse man, whether he is rich or poor; university educated or not. I personally had calloused interactions with successful wealthy men with very bad attitudes; not to say that poor ones don't have the same attitude either. These display of indifference is very unattractive.

To OP, build your confidence by being self sufficient; whether your husband chooses to remain in your marriage or not. You must be kind to yourself so that your child can benefit from your love and kindness.


----------



## 2ntnuf

anon9876 said:


> I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. Last night I admitted that about 5 or 6 years before I met him, I was a sex worker.* This was in my teens when I was going through a tough time, *not just financially but emotionally.* He now can't stand me.* He said he would never have married me if he'd known and the reason he is staying is because of our child. He feels this is worse than the death of a parent or having an affair. Personally, I think this was a long time ago (we're talking about 15-20 years ago) and that it was a mistake from my past. Also that I am not that person and have not been for a long time. I no longer drink or take drugs and have not done so since before I met him. I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly. Now it seems I am being punished. He feels his entire world has broken down and he's suffering anxiety and depression because of it. I don't know where to go from here.


I repost this for clarification. Seems some of us are confused a bit by all the bickering on this site.


----------



## ConanHub

BTW I consider 18 and 19 year olds to still be kids. Odds are she was hooking before that age anyway.

I wouldn't care if she was in her twenties. Prostitution is devastating and I am very happy when anyone makes it out.

It kills many young.


----------



## 2ntnuf

> It's like they hold women blameless for anything bad, or something.


Well, she did admit to being a child when it happened. 




T&T said:


> That statement was made in post #20. Present day.



Maybe she was still a child when he proposed?



T&T said:


> That statement was made in post #20. Present day.


No it wasn't. Stop it T&T.


----------



## ConanHub

Christ! NotLikeYou!

Read my previous posts. If you were heavily abused and degraded in your past relationships or by total strangers would you be enthusiastic about letting your current partner do things to you that do not make you feel loved? Things you may be revolted by?

How about if you were in OPs shoes? You were a teen male prostitute on drugs. You had anal and oral sex with men for money or drugs.

You open up to your wife about it and she doesn't just get mad at the lie, justified, but she gets angry that you never let her watch you take it up the ass or swallow because that would really get her off.

Are you guys even using half a f'n brain cell here?????


Lets make this personal. I have done things in my troubled past that made me puke the next day. I have been with men and women that were disgusting. I will keep my reasons to myself, my wife does know everything. I would leave her in a heartbeat if she took a hard stance on me performing with her like I did back when I FVCKING HATED MYSELF!!!

She has crap in her past as well that we are working through. One thing she never has to worry about with me is when she shares some of her pain, that I will feel insecure that some other person did something with her sexually that she hated and now I will demand she do it with me.

For Gods sake! Have any of you been vulnerable in your past and done things you hated and regretted? Are you really saying you want to go back to what you were in any way?

I am physically ill now. I am going to probably vomit. This is probably not real anyway.......


----------



## Miss Taken

Glad to see a lot of more informed replies from many men on this thread now. Still disheartened and disgusted by some of the attitudes on this thread though.

Just because a woman once did *X *with someone else doesn't mean that you as a new partner are entitled to it. Especially if *X *was something that hurt her or victimized her in any way and she regrets it. To insist that you are entitled to that is kind of "rapey".


----------



## Roselyn

NotLikeYou said:


> Ohh, can I play?
> 
> A LADY who is a WIFE who did something naughty sexually with previous bed partners on more than one occasion who RESPECTED HER HUSBAND would be willing to do those things with him.
> 
> Roselyn, OP created this situation in her marriage. She hid her past, and then she confessed her past as a kind of "Get out of Guilt Free" card, and put that burden squarely on her husband.
> 
> It's hard to claim respectability when the other person knows that the new boundary is nowhere near the old one.
> 
> Its a darn shame that so many posters here focus completely on the "husband wants sex, he is BAD" and want to completely dismiss years of lies about a stint of life as a sex worker.
> 
> It's like they hold women blameless for anything bad, or something.


Guy, I sense so much anger in you. Men and women are held for their actions. OP posted here for advise. 

If the husband of OP cannot accept her for who she was and is, it is better for him to divorce rather than debase himself to the level of executioner. They have a child together. He must be kind to his child whether he stays in the marriage or not. If the battlefield is brought to the bedroom, this hostility will show up as a hostile home environment. The child will suffer.


----------



## Miss Independent

murphy5 said:


> i think you are getting some really bad advice on here.
> 
> If i was your husband, and wanted anal sex for instance, and you refused, and i know you gave it to paid johns previously...i would kick you out so fast your head would spin. You are not in a position to demand anything from hubby.
> 
> I am not saying it is ok for him to abuse you. I am saying ANY sex act you have previously done with anyone has to be available to him for the asking. period. otherwise he will feel you are not commited to making this marriage recovery work.
> 
> This is just the same as finding a cheating spouse had all sorts of weird sex with a cheating partner, but during reconciliation she is refusing you anything but the blandest grudging sex. Same outcome, kick them to the curb, they are not serious about reconciliation.



Op, I think that it was wrong of you to lie to your husband. You robbed him the right to decide whether he wanted to marry a former prostitute or not. 

However, if he wants to use that against you kick him to the curb! A man like that (what Murphy is advocating) is not worth your time!


----------



## As'laDain

holy crap there is a lot of judgment on this thread.

OP made a mistake. that doesnt mean she is not human. she should be treated with just as much respect as any other human being. 

those of you who decide that she is somehow less of a human being because of her past life are telling more about your own judgmental selves than she did by admitting her mistakes.


OP, its going to take time. but for your own sake BE HONEST! he needs to hear the good and the bad if he is going to really get past it. personally, i dont buy that he cant get past it. he built a life with you, he has invested a hell of a lot of emotional stock in you, so even if it absolutely KILLS him, he WANTS to get passed it. 

now, when it comes to sex acts... be open, but dont do anything that will build resentment. its better to argue about that kind of stuff and come to a resolution than it is to just keep your mouth shut and let resentment build. if you refuse to do such and such act with him, let him know why. i dont mean an explanation like "ladies dont do that" or some other crap along that lines. tell him how it makes you feel. if it reminds you of the past, tell him what it reminds you of. if you want, YOU can get past emotional things in time, with work, but do NOT let him push you into a position that makes you feel degraded.


so yeah, honesty is good. should have been there from the start. it doesnt mean its gonna be easy, but at least you know its real.


----------



## EleGirl

murphy5 said:


> she never said she was a child. She was a grown up as a prostitute.
> 
> And yes, most men would demand all the sex acts be available. If her hubby thinks like i do, he would for sure kick her azz out if there was any hesitation. Remember, he is pretty pissed off already...anything new that smells funny from her and its game-over





anon9876 said:


> I This was *in my teens *when I was going through a tough time, not just financially but emotionally.


----------



## treyvion

Miss Taken said:


> Glad to see a lot of more informed replies from many men on this thread now. Still disheartened and disgusted by some of the attitudes on this thread though.
> 
> Just because a woman once did *X *with someone else doesn't mean that you as a new partner are entitled to it. Especially if *X *was something that hurt her or victimized her in any way and she regrets it. To insist that you are entitled to that is kind of "rapey".


We've had this convo before.

If there is an act that you have been compartamentalized out of, that she performs, likes, and longs to do with others....

Then that is a problem.

Some of them keep all their hot sex for single behavior and have a spouse around to eat a lot of crap and get crumbs for it.


----------



## Miss Taken

treyvion said:


> We've had this convo before.
> 
> If there is an act that you have been compartamentalized out of, that she performs, likes, and longs to do with others....
> 
> Then that is a problem.
> 
> Some of them keep all their hot sex for single behavior and have a spouse around to eat a lot of crap and get crumbs for it.


I am sure that happens much less often than many men claim on this site. Tons of women engage in promiscuous behaviour before marriage. Many of them out of self-destruction, having low worth and feeling that's all they are good for. Then they grow up, find their worth and get married and decide they don't have to debase themselves like that anymore. 

Playing devil's advocate for a moment, I am willing to believe that there are some women who genuinely enjoyed having all the wild, kinky, promiscuous sex in the world before marriage. Then once marriage, denied their husbands that part of themselves that they really love. Perhaps it's a power ploy or a control thing...maybe even passive aggressive. I believe that okay, they exist. I can dig it. 

Still

There is that, but _that _is not this. 

So what has been suggested here is totally inappropriate given the circumstances. The men that have compared her circumstance to that of the promiscuous or adulterous woman would be more accurate comparing this circumstance to that of a woman who confessed to having been gang raped or date raped numerous times. 

She was a child prostitute. Once you throw "child" and her age into the mix - a probable history of abuse, her drug problems et al. You just can't say it's consensual. She was violated by multiple men in being a child prostitute. So as consensual as people may want to make that out to be to make OP out to be a wh0re, I just can't agree. She was a victim. Did she participate in her own victimization then? Yes, but there is no need for her to do so today.


----------



## EleGirl

2ntnuf said:


> Maybe she was still a child when he proposed?


OP said that the bad period of her life occurred 5-6 years before she met her husband. She's been with him for 10 years, married 6 of those. So the drugs & prostitution were about 15-16 years ago.


----------



## EleGirl

anon9876 said:


> I think that's sound advice. Because, now he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants and that through this he can "partly heal". That doesn't feel right for me. Yes, I don't want this held against me for the rest of my life. I would like to think I wouldn't stand for that but without friends or family things seem pretty hopeless.


I hope that you are still reading here. A lot of the posts on this thread must be very hurtful to you. But they do seem to mirror you husband's rather sick view of things.

It's good to see that you are strong enough to know that what your husband now wants is not right, it's abusive. It sounds like he has no respect for you and wants to punish you. 

This might be the time for you to insist on marriage counseling in order to continue in this marriage.

If your husband continues this attitude, then I think your marriage is over.


----------



## hookares

Any man who professed his love for his wife,and meant it, would reserve his concern for what took place after the marriage commenced. The same should apply to his wife.


----------



## always_hopefull

Roselyn said:


> A husband who is a gentleman would not ask a sex act that would not be acceptable to a wife; former sex worker or not. It's simply a display of disrespect.


My issue with this statement is, who is to define what is not acceptable to a "wife"? The husband, the OP? As we know there are many "wives" out there who are more than willing to engage in BDSM, anal, threesomes, etc. I find it offensive to say that some sex acts may not be acceptable for a "wife" to participate in with her husband, when in fact many "wives" perform such acts with their loving spouse.


----------



## EleGirl

always_hopefull said:


> My issue with this statement is, who is to define what is not acceptable to a "wife"? The husband, the OP? As we know there are many "wives" out there who are more than willing to engage in BDSM, anal, threesomes, etc. I find it offensive to say that some sex acts may not be acceptable for a "wife" to participate in with her husband, when in fact many "wives" perform such acts with their loving spouse.


You apparently missed the point.

If a woman finds a particular sex act to be demeaning, painful, etc. she is not obligated to perform that act for her husband. That's the point that was being made. IT point was not some generalization about some women who do or do not do this or that under some circumstance.


----------



## always_hopefull

anon9876 said:


> I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. Last night I admitted that about 5 or 6 years before I met him, I was a sex worker. This was in my teens when I was going through a tough time, not just financially but emotionally. He now can't stand me. *He said he would never have married me if he'd known and the reason he is staying is because of our child.* He feels this is worse than the death of a parent or having an affair. Personally, I think this was a long time ago (we're talking about 15-20 years ago) and that it was a mistake from my past. Also that I am not that person and have not been for a long time. I no longer drink or take drugs and have not done so since before I met him. I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly. Now it seems I am being punished. He feels his entire world has broken down and he's suffering anxiety and depression because of it. I don't know where to go from here.





anon9876 said:


> A few people asked what did he know about my background. He knew about the drugs, alcohol and that there were lots of men. He just didn't know some of them were johns. Also, he used to go to strip clubs with friends and he *even used a prostitute*. The difference he says, is that *he disclosed the prostitute before we were married and that just because he used one* there's no way he would have married one. He feels completely deceived and would rather find out I was anything except this. Personally, I think it's an overreaction. I mean, does it really make that much difference that I got paid?



OP, I am truly sorry for the situation you now find yourself in. It could be your H is so upset because for years he felt discomfort in the fact that he used a prostitute *once*. Now he finds out that you were in fact one, and did it more than once. It could be that he will look at random men on the streets now and wonder if you were with them. Or he may wonder what his buddies will think if they ever find out he married a hooker? Or what will happen if it comes out later and your child comes home in tears after being teased about his mom? I don't think your issues are so simple to come on an internet site and ask for guidance, you guys need some serious MC as of yesterday. 

It is obvious that the sexual history discussion came up with your H, as evidenced by his disclosure of using a prostitute. He may feel doubly betrayed as you could have easily brought your past into light at that time. Now he finds himself stuck in a marriage with a child to someone, who by omission, held back a serious issue that may have been a deal breaker at that time. For many men it would be difficult to be with a woman who had a very promiscuous past, adding the fact that you were paid for it will make it even harder. 

As for having sexual relations with your husband, it could be possible he is trying to reclaim some of his sexuality through "hysterical bonding". I would urge you to try and have a healthy sex life if you can, to help keep your connection with your husband. However, if he asks for acts that you are not accustomed to in the bedroom and uses the statement "you did it for them", then I would politely tell him you left those acts in your past along with your prostitution. Tell him you have changed into the woman he fell in love with, that you have far too much self respect to become a w***e for him, that he wanted a good woman and he got one, albeit with a jaded past. Do not give into him, keep your self respect you have fought a long and hard battle for it. Don't let it go!


----------



## bfree

EleGirl said:


> I hope that you are still reading here. A lot of the posts on this thread must be very hurtful to you. But they do seem to mirror you husband's rather sick view of things.
> 
> It's good to see that you are strong enough to know that what your husband now wants is not right, it's abusive. It sounds like he has no respect for you and wants to punish you.
> 
> This might be the time for you to insist on marriage counseling in order to continue in this marriage.
> 
> If your husband continues this attitude, then I think your marriage is over.


I pray that this is just her husband lashing out albeit inappropriately and that he will eventually come to his senses and try to empathize with what his wife felt then and what she is feeling now. I also pray that she has the patience to allow him time to process this and come back around to being a loving and caring man and husband.


----------



## larry.gray

Anon Pink said:


> Here come all the angry husbands! Let the double standards roll!


Not me. If there was a huge disparity between their pasts and she painted this picture of being pure as the wind driven snow, then I think he's got a lot to be upset about.

But in this example, where he married her knowing she had a varied past with men AND he's paid sex workers I think he's got very little to be upset about.

IMNSHO, paying a prostitute is WAY worse of a history that being one. The former is using someone down on their luck, the latter is someone struggling and doing something to survive.


----------



## Anon Pink

larry.gray said:


> Not me. If there was a huge disparity between their pasts and she painted this picture of being pure as the wind driven snow, then I think he's got a lot to be upset about.
> 
> But in this example, where he married her knowing she had a varied past with men AND he's paid sex workers I think he's got very little to be upset about.
> 
> IMNSHO, *paying a prostitute is WAY worse of a history that being one. The former is using someone down on their luck, the latter is someone struggling and doing something to survive*.


Bravo Larry! I completely agree!


----------



## treyvion

larry.gray said:


> Not me. If there was a huge disparity between their pasts and she painted this picture of being pure as the wind driven snow, then I think he's got a lot to be upset about.
> 
> But in this example, where he married her knowing she had a varied past with men AND he's paid sex workers I think he's got very little to be upset about.
> 
> IMNSHO, paying a prostitute is WAY worse of a history that being one. The former is using someone down on their luck, the latter is someone struggling and doing something to survive.



I dont agree. Many prostitutes are predators. They sre not down on their luck just chasing "easy cash".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi

lenzi said:


> Maybe you should start a poll. 'Men only please: do you think there is any difference between a sl*t and a lying wh*re?'
> 
> 
> treyvion said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well a sl*t doesn't necessarily have to be a liar.
Click to expand...

Right. Your point?

My point was that the Op is a liar, and has a history of being a wh*re. She tries to make the case that there's no difference between that, and a woman who is sexually promiscuous aka a sl*t.

I suggest there's a huge difference between the two.


----------



## treyvion

lenzi said:


> Right. Your point?
> 
> My point was that the Op is a liar, and has a history of being a wh*re. She tries to make the case that there's no difference between that, and a woman who is sexually promiscuous aka a sl*t.
> 
> 
> Thats what i said. A **** can be mostly.honest and tell the truth about tgeir nature. A lying ***** is much worse.
> I suggest there's a huge difference between the two.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf

I'm thinking the difference is in that only one of them gets paid for the use of their body.

One will negotiate what is acceptable in bed and the other will probably not talk about it and then become resentful when you don't seem to be able to guess what will satisfy their desires or guess that they might be into something they aren't.

One will tell you up front what the cost of sex is and the other will have covert contracts.

If there were no johns, there would be no need for prostitutes, hence the argument that one is only doing it to make ends meet while the other is a pig doesn't wash with me. It's a chicken or egg problem. The politically correct answer is the john is the bad guy. I say, they are pretty much the same. 

I don't think all prostitutes are forced into it. That thought based on the fact that all or nothing statements are not true, since anything is possible. I would guess there is a huge number that are forced into it, however. That is disgusting, wrong, illegal and horrible. It should be stopped. 

These poor prostitutes are beaten and abused, made to become or volunteer due to self esteem issues, to become drug addicts. It's really sad. Legalization would likely curtail a portion of that. I don't know. I've never been to one, but I often wonder since I've heard a few stories about it from older and younger men. The younger were generally in the service and now that they are out, believe prostitution is wrong. 

Edit: While away from home and overseas(sorry had to change that), they had little trouble justifying using a prostitute to relieve themselves.


----------



## lenzi

treyvion said:


> Thats what i said. A **** can be mostly.honest and tell the truth about tgeir nature.


Ok, then I guess I'm wondering why you quoted my post and stated that a sl*t isn't necessarily a liar?

I never inferred a sl*t is a liar at all.



2ntnuf said:


> I don't think all prostitutes are forced into it.


Exactly. So many people are going on about this poor young teenage girl who was forced into prostitution. 

Maybe she saw it as easy money? Maybe she rebelled against her hard working, caring parents and ran away and ended up with a bad crowd?

Sometimes there's no one else to blame but the prostitute. Regardless of how old she was when she chose that particular career path.


----------



## Anon Pink

treyvion said:


> I dont agree. Many prostitutes are predators. They sre not down on their luck just chasing "easy cash".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And how do you come by this knowledge? Your own experience?


----------



## lenzi

Anon Pink said:


> And how do you come by this knowledge? Your own experience?


He probably Googled it


----------



## 2ntnuf

We are all liars.


----------



## lenzi

2ntnuf said:


> We are all liars.


If you're a liar, then when you say "we are all liars" then the truth is that we are all NOT liars.

So if we are all NOT liars, then you are not a liar either, but there you go telling a lie by saying we are all liars!

How is this even possible?


----------



## 2ntnuf

lenzi said:


> Exactly. So many people are going on about this poor young teenage girl who was forced into prostitution.
> 
> Maybe she saw it as easy money? Maybe she rebelled against her hard working, caring parents and ran away and ended up with a bad crowd?
> 
> Sometimes there's no one else to blame but the prostitute. Regardless of how old she was when she chose that particular career path.


Hey lenzi, I'm not going to point a finger at OP. I don't know what happened to her. I feel better believing she was forced to do it until I find out otherwise. 

Still, not all prostitutes are forced into it.


----------



## lenzi

2ntnuf said:


> I feel better believing she was forced to do it until I find out otherwise.


You feel better believing she was forced into prostitution rather than choosing it voluntarily?

Why?


----------



## Anon Pink

lenzi said:


> if you're a liar, then when you say "we are all liars" then the truth is that we are all not liars.
> 
> So if we are all not liars, then you are not a liar either, but there you go telling a lie by saying we are all liars!
> 
> How is this even possible?



View attachment 29650


----------



## 2ntnuf

lenzi said:


> You feel better believing she was forced into prostitution rather than choosing it voluntarily?
> 
> Why?


lenzi, I don't think it's good that anyone is forced into prostitution. That's enough girl.


----------



## Elk87

I think there is probably more agreement than disagreement here, but we are getting caught up in the details and passing judgment on those. 

My only issue with the OP (and some responders) is that I think she needs to leave some space/allowance for her husband's reaction to all this. He may react inappropriately in his pain. While he's not necessarily justified in all of his thoughts (nobody knows what those are but him, btw), he's dealing with a pretty big issue in his marriage and is probably hurt. 

It's not so much WHAT she lied about, but that she lied about a very important and intimate detail. Husband may be thinking, "What else is true or untrue? Is mine a marriage built on lies?" I know that's what I've struggled with. It's an issue about deception and trust, and feeling like a fool who has been duped. It's not a good place, and one has to dig deep to carry on.


----------



## lenzi

Decorum said:


> By God's grace I am not the same person I was either, you are a precious soul and I love your attitude.


Her attitude is that there's no difference between a hooker and a ****. Her attitude is that her husband has no right to be upset over a marriage that was full of deception from day one and continued for many years. Her attitude is that now that she's found God she's to be completely forgiven and hubby better just suck it up and act like it never happened. 



Decorum said:


> It would be easy if he would just "get it" and "get over it".


It would be easier if there was no ISIS, and no Ebola, and no Global Warming and no sexual infidelity in marriages. 

Lots of things would be easy if you could just snap your fingers and make the bad things go away. 

It wouldn't be all that good for therapists, marriage counselors and divorce lawyers but that's another story.



Decorum said:


> Anon9876, you have experienced the grace of God, you know the help, love, purpose it empowers you with.


Yeah the grace of God lets a person say "I f*cked up in the past but now, all is good and I've got a clear conscience and if you can't "get over it" well too bad for you, go to Church and light a few candles until you can".


----------



## lenzi

2ntnuf said:


> lenzi, I don't think it's good that anyone is forced into prostitution.


I know. But your post was worded rather strangely.



2ntnuf said:


> That's enough girl.


I'm a dude.


----------



## 2ntnuf

lenzi said:


> I know. But your post was worded rather strangely.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm a dude.


I don't believe it. 

Depending on one's pov, so are yours.


----------



## Elk87

By the way, Christians don't typically believe that the "grace of God" puts them right with everyone here on earth. Only right with God, and that's if you've confessed your sins to Him and pleaded for His mercy. Of course, there may be people on earth that don't forgive so quickly, and as a Christian you shouldn't really expect that either. Humans are flawed, the Christian believer and those that are not.


----------



## lenzi

Decorum said:


> Lenzi, I don’t think you can discount her personal growth, personal growth begins with the person, and it is often awkward, ugly and out of balance. Miss steps and wrong steps moving to a more stable and mature mentality.


Ok, point taken. I'm trying to see where there's all this personal growth. She was finally honest with hubby about her sexual past and she's found God.

Was there anything else?

From what I can see she's downplaying and almost justifying her history and deception based on her husband's actions and statements like "there's no difference between hookers and wh*res". 

Sorry not buying it. 



Decorum said:


> Your other points may be valid here but I am addressing one thing, “How does her husband fit into her personal growth plan, is she speaking the truth in love.”


She's apparently in love and speaking the truth. How her husband fits in is completely up to him. There's probably not much she's going to be able to do to sway him one way or the other. She can be compassionate and understanding, and own her lies and mistakes, something I'm just not seeing her doing all that much. 



Decorum said:


> Lenzi, this is your problem, you are a hater about this, in these words you allow for nothing redeeming to come out of a relationship with God. Physician heal thyself!


Yes I have an issue with those who say "I screwed up big time but now I found God so I'm redeemed". To me it's no difference than say, the serial killer who is given forgiveness for his sins by the priest, right after his last meal and right before he gets the lethal injection, so he won't go to Hell. I mean, the guy killed dozens of people, and he's forgiven for it?

Seems like nowadays people can get away with anything. They can cheat, steal, lie, and even murder, but as long as they find God before it's too late, then it's all good.



monkeyboy said:


> By the way, Christians don't typically believe that the "grace of God" puts them right with everyone here on earth.


Obviously it doesn't put them right with everyone. 

There are many such as myself that will tell where you can go with your "grace of God".


----------



## soccermom2three

Sometimes I can't believe what I read here.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: I lied about my sexual past*



soccermom2three said:


> Sometimes I can't believe what I read here.


Yeah

*sigh*


----------



## Miss Taken

soccermom2three said:


> Sometimes I can't believe what I read here.


This thread was my motivation for answering does TAM make you appreciate your spouse more. 

Why yes... it does I guess. Whodathunkit?


----------



## Coffee Amore

Several posts that were either incendiary and/or unproductive have been deleted. If you're triggered by this discussion, please don't post.


----------



## JCD

Miss Taken said:


> Bad advice indeed.
> 
> Using emotional blackmail or coercion for sex is abuse. A man saying or even implying ("if you don't fvck me the way you did those Johns I'm leaving") is both coercive and blackmailing. Spin it however you like but it's not in the least a healthy o viable solution.
> 
> The FACTS:
> 
> She was an underage, teen prostitute - a minor, a child.


Excuse me. This is the third time you said this and it doesn't make it any more true now than then. She said she was a TEENAGER. Do you know what a teenager is? A girl who is 13 (horrifying!) to 19 (i.e. she knew exactly what she was doing) That is a very vague statement there. Now, I am guessing somewhere around 17-18 mark which is the 'dumb sh!t acid test of kids, old enough to know better but young enough not to care.





> She was under the influence of and/or addicted to drugs when this happened.


I am not attacking her, but these are vague statements that you are weaving into a story. Was she a heroin addicted 14 year old doing this for bread, or a spoiled 19 year old party girl who did escort gigs to pay for blow on the weekends.

We do not know which it is. I am not minimizing this. I am showing the wide range of behaviors available in her statements.




> OP, you lied. That was wrong. If your husband leaves you, he is well within his right to do so but he is not in the right to demand you objectify and dehumanize yourself now so he can "partly heal". I also like that he said "partly heal" to me that's telling of a man that wants to play victim and use this situation so he can "partly heal" again, and again and again. Puh-lease.
> 
> You have since reformed and redeemed yourself of prostitution. To prostitute yourself to your husband in hopes of saving the marriage would be regression towards your past behaviours and the healing you have done. It will hurt you emotionally and it will make your husband respect you even less than he already does. A man that demands that of you is not worth staying with.


It is a human thing to feel as a decent husband (and Miss...pay very close attention here...the OP has indicated that she is not dissatisfied with this man in any regard except a brief emotional affair) to know that wife gave out X + 1 to dirt bags but only gave him X is understandable to feel a bit taken advantage of.

I get your emotional point. It is well made. I think a touch more sympathy for the man is in order here. His world was just turned upside down.

As far as that last sentence in that last paragraph...tell that to her kid.


----------



## NotLikeYou

intheory said:


> It took me a minute to clean the vomit out of my mouth.
> 
> 
> Ever seen "Monster", the Aileen Wuornos story?
> 
> So, OP, if a john ever bent you over and poured rubbing alcohol in your anus and sodomized you while holding you at gunpoint; you gotta do that for "hubs".
> 
> 'Cause somehow, that's gonna help him to "heal".
> 
> (Sarcasm, in case some guys here are salivating hoping that's an actual suggestion).


Well, since everyone knows that all sex workers are brutalized like Aileen Wuornos was, this is a totally valid point to make. Besides, Hollywood's movie was more realistic than the life Ms. Wuornos lived, because Hollywood is real, and never adds drama to make a movie more interesting.

Look.

If OP's problem was that her husband had been a male prostitute before they got married, lied about his past, and finally decided to come clean, and she was having a hard time coping, Team Woman (The 'TAM-ettes') would be calling for an Eileen Wuornos type of closure on him. 

Effectively, this is one of those CWI threads where a spouse finds out about an affair long after it ended. It is "new to them," and OP doesn't want to really do the heavy lifting needed to help her spouse heal.

The choices and circumstances that led her to engage in prostitution don't really matter at this point. She gets immense credit as a person for successfully escaping from that life, and into a marriage that she doesn't seem to have any major problems in. Lots of sex workers are too damaged to ever have normal lives, so, again, good for her.

And perhaps she had good and sincere motives in telling her husband about her past.

Now her husband has a problem, and she needs to either decide whether she is going to go "all-in" to do what it takes to keep her relationship together, or decide to go her own way.

Like I observed in a previous post, I think that "husband wants to have kinky sex with me" beats the heck out of "husband doesn't want to touch me" on the old Scale-of-the-Problem meter.

Anyone who thinks the husband is the one in the wrong for not being totally accepting that his wife isn't who he thought she was, needs to slide me some of the stuff they're taking, because I want to see what being totally divorced from reality is like.


----------



## Thundarr

anon9876 said:


> I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. Last night I admitted that about 5 or 6 years before I met him, I was a sex worker. This was in my teens when I was going through a tough time, not just financially but emotionally. He now can't stand me. He said he would never have married me if he'd known and the reason he is staying is because of our child. He feels this is worse than the death of a parent or having an affair. Personally, I think this was a long time ago (we're talking about 15-20 years ago) and that it was a mistake from my past. Also that I am not that person and have not been for a long time. I no longer drink or take drugs and have not done so since before I met him. I only admitted to this because I wanted to start us living more honestly. Now it seems I am being punished. He feels his entire world has broken down and he's suffering anxiety and depression because of it. I don't know where to go from here.


You've had 15-20 years to come to terms with you past mistakes but he hasn't. He has to now come to terms with knowing that you haven't trusted him to truly know you. You've rationalized that hiding the truth was an okay but you know it wasn't. He feels betrayed because you betrayed him. The sad part is that he probably would have come to terms with this quickly and felt closer to you if he'd known before marriage.

I get why you didn't tell him but you need to get why it was very wrong and why it will take a long time for him to get past this. He actually might not get past thinking he would have chosen differently even if he's wrong in that regard.


----------



## JCD

There is a lot of projection going on here.

On the one hand, we have the 'Miss Taken' crowd, who is weaving a story where she is a woefully underaged teenager addicted to hard drugs, and doing horrible sexual acts with fat old men for a dollar just so she can feed herself.

Then we look through a more cynical 'Lenzi' and we have a willfully stubborn party girl going out, picking up that needle/joint/mirror and saying 'Screw McDonalds...this is more fun!' as she rolls over giggling into the next mass of men.

Anon Pink started this with a statement I disagree with. That she made 'one mistake'.

Um...no. She made several.

1) she became a criminal. There are a lot of down on their luck girls. Not all of them become prostitutes. Some join the Army. Some get married to a guy they don't love. Some join a cult. Others decide to put pride away and go to Aunt Edna or apologize to mom and dad and make things right. 

2) she started drugs. Any kid these days has had the message slammed down their throats. Ignorance was no excuse. Unless a pimp was shoving a needle in her arm as she was being held down, it was a choice of sorts. 

Bear in mind, I am fully aware of the amount of self loathing that a pro goes through. Alcoholism is taken for granted. So it is a hard choice to ignore, but it is, in the end, a choice.

Her third big mistake was not telling her husband from the get go. That is a rough row to hoe. She wants the picket fence but any 'decent man' would not likely have a pro. Because in the end of the day, she thought her husband was a 'decent man'. She values him if her original post is any indication.

So instead of looking for someone who would be good with her shady past, she slipped out a few tid bits and lied!

Fourth mistake? Ever telling him. If she decided to not tell, she should have held to that. Cause let's look at her story. It took them four years to get married. Why the hesitation? Maybe because of her jaded past.

And Miss...you are frigging just cold and heartless to the husband. I mean, just CUTTING. Looking at a stripper is LEGAL. It is a slightly more in your face experience than watching a naked girl on television...also legal! But you want to make this out to be the equivalent crime.

Okay, he went to a prostitute once. Maybe he had a horrible experience. Maybe he regretted that. Maybe he saw the degradation and never wanted to be a part of that. These are choices he was allowed to make for himself. We don't know. Somehow, it is necessary for us to forgive her for sleeping with a bunch of customers, but offering him forgiveness for sleeping with one pro is beyond the pale. Hmm... There are a *few* double standards flying around here...

She took these choices away from him and she made him live a lie many years of his life. And if she is emotionally shattered by her experiences and he's been putting up with a half hearted sex life, it is rather human to resent the fact that the 'cream' went to a bunch of scumbags while he got the skim milk.

Because here is one thing which is clear: she was a party girl. Only SOME of the men she was with were Johns. She said so herself. So some of them she was *willingly* sleeping with. Her statement 'why can't he get over that SOME of them were Johns' indicates quite a lot on how much 'force' was used to make her a pro.

I believe she regrets her actions. I believe she is a changed person. I believe that it will never happen again.

From her tone, she is not owning what she did. She wants a mulligan. I think she deserves one, but I am not going to nit pick at the husband to try to add up enough 'offenses' to make her own bad actions 'okay'. What she did is NOT okay.

Here is a key point. She forgave him his bad choice at the get go...while denying him the same right. So we cannot hold his action against him anymore (the emotional affair is another matter outside of this post). She didn't. And hypocrisy is a very venal sin. It means one fails ones standards. A common failing. 

This is not the husbands' fault. Stop trying to make it so.


----------



## seasalt

Anon9876,

You really haven't given much information about what, when and where you did what you did. If you were as young as so many have decided then your immaturity has to be part of the consideration process your husband is going through. No matter how old you were your actions have had consequences for people you had yet to meet, your husband, and one that was yet to be born. Now that your frontal lobes are fully developed you will have to use them wisely.

First stop the traditional blameshifting response seen so often on these sites. Your husband's emotional affair, if that's what it was, has no bearing on this problem. Second make sure he has the cetainty that he knows the full scope of your past life. He feels betrayed retro-actively and is having, and understandably so, the famous "mind movies" so often referred to by people who have been betrayed. He wonders if you still bump into those clients from your past. Did you make or did others make recordings of your transactions that he or, God forbid, your child will see? Did you have a pimp or someone that can be a harmful influence in your future? Who else that is currently part of your lives is aware of your past and how should he interact with them?

You married him, had a child with him and have a responsibility to the both of them to make this situation come out right. You may need professional help. You may need spiritual guidance. Look beyond this forum and don't give up. You made it out of a hole before and you can do it again.

Seasalt


----------



## Thundarr

JCD said:


> I believe she regrets her actions. I believe she is a changed person. I believe that it will never happen again.
> 
> From her tone, she is not owning what she did. She wants a mulligan. I think she deserves one, but I am not going to nit pick at the husband to try to add up enough 'offenses' to make her own bad actions 'okay'. What she did is NOT okay.
> 
> Here is a key point. *She forgave him his bad choice at the get go...while denying him the same right.* So we cannot hold his action against him anymore (the emotional affair is another matter outside of this post). She didn't. And hypocrisy is a very venal sin. It means one fails ones standards. A common failing.
> 
> This is not the husbands' fault. Stop trying to make it so.


Yep. I little more honesty up front and this thread never has to exists.


----------



## Anon Pink

JCD said:


> There is a lot of projection going on here.


No Kidding!



> On the one hand, we have the 'Miss Taken' crowd, who is weaving a story where she is a woefully underaged teenager addicted to hard drugs, and doing horrible sexual acts with fat old men for a dollar just so she can feed herself.
> 
> Then we look through a more cynical 'Lenzi' and we have a willfully stubborn party girl going out, picking up that needle/joint/mirror and saying 'Screw McDonalds...this is more fun!' as she rolls over giggling into the next mass of men.
> 
> Anon Pink started this with a statement I disagree with. That she made 'one mistake'.


OP said she was a teenager. Legal adult is 18 but we all know real adult decision making capabilities don't come till about early mid 20's. Add to that a teenager abusing booze and drugs...we don't know the extent and it doesn't matter, at least not to me, her decision making skills undeveloped and compromised. 

The stupid sh!t we do as teenagers affects us the rest of our lives EVEN when we no longer resemble to stupid sh!t who made those decisions.

But as an adult, as a sober contemplative person she made a huge mistake in not owning her past.



> Um...no. She made several.
> 
> 1) she became a criminal. There are a lot of down on their luck girls. Not all of them become prostitutes. Some join the Army. Some get married to a guy they don't love. Some join a cult. Others decide to put pride away and go to Aunt Edna or apologize to mom and dad and make things right.


But if all the women did this who would Mr. OP screw while on leave? You're passing some monumental judgments here JCD based on an incomplete and inaccurate projection of your own about OP's story.



> 2) she started drugs. Any kid these days has had the message slammed down their throats. Ignorance was no excuse. Unless a pimp was shoving a needle in her arm as she was being held down, it was a choice of sorts.


Seriously? "There, but for the grace of God go I" means nothing to you?



> Bear in mind, I am fully aware of the amount of self loathing that a pro goes through. Alcoholism is taken for granted. So it is a hard choice to ignore, but it is, in the end, a choice.
> 
> Her third big mistake was not telling her husband from the get go. That is a rough row to hoe. She wants the picket fence but any 'decent man' would not likely have a pro. Because in the end of the day, she thought her husband was a 'decent man'. She values him if her original post is any indication.



Yup, that was her inexcusable monumental mistake. There is no excuse. He either forgives the lie and omission or he doesn't. But since he engaged in the exact same behavior...he doesn't get to pass judgment on her.




> Fourth mistake? Ever telling him. If she decided to not tell, she should have held to that. Cause let's look at her story. It took them four years to get married. Why the hesitation? Maybe because of her jaded past.


Completely disagree. But this is one of the judgment call kind of things, so it's pointless to debate this item.



> And Miss...you are frigging just cold and heartless to the husband. I mean, just CUTTING. Looking at a stripper is LEGAL. It is a slightly more in your face experience than watching a naked girl on television...also legal! But you want to make this out to be the equivalent crime.
> 
> Okay, he went to a prostitute once. Maybe he had a horrible experience. Maybe he regretted that. Maybe he saw the degradation and never wanted to be a part of that. These are choices he was allowed to make for himself. We don't know. Somehow, it is necessary for us to forgive her for sleeping with a bunch of customers, but offering him forgiveness for sleeping with one pro is beyond the pale. Hmm... There are a *few* double standards flying around here...


Nope, not at all! No one is laying into his character for having spent time in strip clubs or time with a pro. What we ARE laying into him about is his hypocritical double standard that it was forgivable for him but not for his wife.

And talk about REACHING and projecting! You sure are protective of the dude for having paid a pro and ready to throw the pro over the bridge. Double standard!



> She took these choices away from him and she made him live a lie many years of his life. And if she is emotionally shattered by her experiences and he's been *putting up with a half hearted sex life, it is rather human to resent the fact that the 'cream' went to a bunch of scumbags while he got the skim milk*.


The bolded part is almost complete projection. We don't know what HE wants, we only know he is demanding something sexual that doesn't feel right to her. It could be something simple like a BJ while driving or it could be something painful for her, or it could be something that completely dehumanizes her like sex on demand.

Here is what OP actually said "Because, now he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants and that through this he can "partly heal". That doesn't feel right for me. "

You simply can't assume she's been giving him straight missionary once a month based on that!




> Because here is one thing which is clear: she was a party girl. Only SOME of the men she was with were Johns. She said so herself. So some of them she was *willingly* sleeping with. Her statement 'why can't he get over that SOME of them were Johns' indicates quite a lot on how much 'force' was used to make her a pro.


Teenagers ROUTINELY exchange sex for drugs. It's a slippery slope for some to go from that to asking for money instead. It's all degrading and it's all tragic and the honest thing is to admit it, own your history, claim your new self and move the hell on!



> I believe she regrets her actions. I believe she is a changed person. I believe that it will never happen again.
> 
> From her tone, she is not owning what she did. She wants a mulligan. I think she deserves one, but I am not going to nit pick at the husband to try to add up enough 'offenses' to make her own bad actions 'okay'. What she did is NOT okay.


On this we are in total agreement.



> Here is a key point. She forgave him his bad choice at the get go...while denying him the same right. So we cannot hold his action against him anymore (the emotional affair is another matter outside of this post). She didn't. And hypocrisy is a very venal sin. It means one fails ones standards. A common failing.
> 
> This is not the husbands' fault. Stop trying to make it so.


JCD, this last paragraph is something I only WISH I could agree with. But as you know from reading TAM, slvt shaming is ALIVE and well with countless threads about retroactive jealousy and men who can't get over the fact that they weren't the first man to have shower sex with his wife! This is a KNOWN fact among women. This is why women hide their sexual past and this is why women almost always down play their number of previous lovers.

In a perfect world she would have confessed her sexual past when he confessed his. But the fact that she was able to forgive him does indeed place a burden on him to be just as forgiving of that sin, while also taking his time to forgive her sin of falseness.


----------



## Miss Taken

JCD said:


> Excuse me. This is the third time you said this and it doesn't make it any more true now than then. She said she was a TEENAGER. Do you know what a teenager is? A girl who is 13 (horrifying!) to 19 (i.e. she knew exactly what she was doing) That is a very vague statement there. Now, I am guessing somewhere around 17-18 mark which is the 'dumb sh!t acid test of kids, old enough to know better but young enough not to care.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am not attacking her, but these are vague statements that you are weaving into a story. Was she a heroin addicted 14 year old doing this for bread, or a spoiled 19 year old party girl who did escort gigs to pay for blow on the weekends.
> 
> We do not know which it is. I am not minimizing this. I am showing the wide range of behaviors available in her statements.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is a human thing to feel as a decent husband (and Miss...pay very close attention here...the OP has indicated that she is not dissatisfied with this man in any regard except a brief emotional affair) to know that wife gave out X + 1 to dirt bags but only gave him X is understandable to feel a bit taken advantage of.
> 
> I get your emotional point. It is well made. I think a touch more sympathy for the man is in order here. His world was just turned upside down.
> 
> As far as that last sentence in that last paragraph...tell that to her kid.


If I keep repeating myself it's because different people continue making the same misguided and ignorant arguments. 

What kind (how old) of a teenager she was has no bearing on my opinion here.

As for telling the last statement to her kid. I would scream it from the roof tops. Trying to force someone into doing something sexual whether by coercion or blackmail is abusive. A woman who leaves a man for that is in her right to do so.


----------



## Miss Taken

JCD said:


> Excuse me. This is the third time you said this and it doesn't make it any more true now than then. She said she was a TEENAGER. Do you know what a teenager is? A girl who is 13 (horrifying!) to 19 (i.e. she knew exactly what she was doing) That is a very vague statement there. Now, I am guessing somewhere around 17-18 mark which is the 'dumb sh!t acid test of kids, old enough to know better but young enough not to care.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am not attacking her, but these are vague statements that you are weaving into a story. Was she a heroin addicted 14 year old doing this for bread, or a spoiled 19 year old party girl who did escort gigs to pay for blow on the weekends.
> 
> We do not know which it is. I am not minimizing this. I am showing the wide range of behaviors available in her statements.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is a human thing to feel as a decent husband (and Miss...pay very close attention here...the OP has indicated that she is not dissatisfied with this man in any regard except a brief emotional affair) to know that wife gave out X + 1 to dirt bags but only gave him X is understandable to feel a bit taken advantage of.
> 
> I get your emotional point. It is well made. I think a touch more sympathy for the man is in order here. His world was just turned upside down.
> 
> As far as that last sentence in that last paragraph...tell that to her kid.





JCD said:


> There is a lot of projection going on here.
> 
> On the one hand, we have the 'Miss Taken' crowd, who is weaving a story where she is a woefully underaged teenager addicted to hard drugs, and doing horrible sexual acts with fat old men for a dollar just so she can feed herself.
> 
> Then we look through a more cynical 'Lenzi' and we have a willfully stubborn party girl going out, picking up that needle/joint/mirror and saying 'Screw McDonalds...this is more fun!' as she rolls over giggling into the next mass of men.
> 
> Anon Pink started this with a statement I disagree with. That she made 'one mistake'.
> 
> Um...no. She made several.
> 
> 1) she became a criminal. There are a lot of down on their luck girls. Not all of them become prostitutes. Some join the Army. Some get married to a guy they don't love. Some join a cult. Others decide to put pride away and go to Aunt Edna or apologize to mom and dad and make things right.
> 
> 2) she started drugs. Any kid these days has had the message slammed down their throats. Ignorance was no excuse. Unless a pimp was shoving a needle in her arm as she was being held down, it was a choice of sorts.
> 
> Bear in mind, I am fully aware of the amount of self loathing that a pro goes through. Alcoholism is taken for granted. So it is a hard choice to ignore, but it is, in the end, a choice.
> 
> Her third big mistake was not telling her husband from the get go. That is a rough row to hoe. She wants the picket fence but any 'decent man' would not likely have a pro. Because in the end of the day, she thought her husband was a 'decent man'. She values him if her original post is any indication.
> 
> So instead of looking for someone who would be good with her shady past, she slipped out a few tid bits and lied!
> 
> Fourth mistake? Ever telling him. If she decided to not tell, she should have held to that. Cause let's look at her story. It took them four years to get married. Why the hesitation? Maybe because of her jaded past.
> 
> And Miss...you are frigging just cold and heartless to the husband. I mean, just CUTTING. Looking at a stripper is LEGAL. It is a slightly more in your face experience than watching a naked girl on television...also legal! But you want to make this out to be the equivalent crime.
> 
> Okay, he went to a prostitute once. Maybe he had a horrible experience. Maybe he regretted that. Maybe he saw the degradation and never wanted to be a part of that. These are choices he was allowed to make for himself. We don't know. Somehow, it is necessary for us to forgive her for sleeping with a bunch of customers, but offering him forgiveness for sleeping with one pro is beyond the pale. Hmm... There are a *few* double standards flying around here...
> 
> She took these choices away from him and she made him live a lie many years of his life. And if she is emotionally shattered by her experiences and he's been putting up with a half hearted sex life, it is rather human to resent the fact that the 'cream' went to a bunch of scumbags while he got the skim milk.
> 
> Because here is one thing which is clear: she was a party girl. Only SOME of the men she was with were Johns. She said so herself. So some of them she was *willingly* sleeping with. Her statement 'why can't he get over that SOME of them were Johns' indicates quite a lot on how much 'force' was used to make her a pro.
> 
> I believe she regrets her actions. I believe she is a changed person. I believe that it will never happen again.
> 
> From her tone, she is not owning what she did. She wants a mulligan. I think she deserves one, but I am not going to nit pick at the husband to try to add up enough 'offenses' to make her own bad actions 'okay'. What she did is NOT okay.
> 
> Here is a key point. She forgave him his bad choice at the get go...while denying him the same right. So we cannot hold his action against him anymore (the emotional affair is another matter outside of this post). She didn't. And hypocrisy is a very venal sin. It means one fails ones standards. A common failing.
> 
> This is not the husbands' fault. Stop trying to make it so.


Oh boy. Projection? Well, kettles and pots.

My objections to the husband have much less to do with him having been to a prostitute one time or going to strip clubs.

It has everything with his hypocrisy both towards her prostitution and about his own dishonesty as he is a cheater. But the most abhorrent thing I think about him has to do with his sense of entitlement towards her in performing sexual acts he assumes she did when she was a teen prostitute. When it comes to coercion or blackmail and sex, damn right I will be cold, cutting and disagreeable to the idea.


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening all
I haven't seen a post from the OP in quite a while here. I hope she hasn't been driven away. Let me try a different view on this:

She did something wrong - how wrong and to what extent it was here "fault" is hotly debated - and doesn't matter. Its in the past. 

No good will come to anyone from her being in an unhappy relationship. Even if as some have suggested, she became some sort of sex-slave to her husband, not only would she be unhappy, but HE would be unhappy. Could anyone really keep their self respect while treating the woman they love badly? Or be happy living with someone they didn't love?

She should ask him to forgive her completely. If he can't, then she should find someone who will love her, and he should find someone he can love.

There are people who can love her. Nothing in her past would drive away someone like me, and I'm sure there are many other like me men out there. Like me, they may not be perfect, they may have an unpleasant past. But they are looking for someone who will love them as they are now, not for what they may have done long ago, and will offer the same love to her.

As for some of the posters: I'm the closes thing to a real Satanist that you are ever likely to meet, and I think I know more about forgiveness than some Christians. :FIREdevil:


----------



## alexm

This whole thread just goes to show that two people entering a relationship with each other should always be honest with each other - ESPECIALLY if it's getting serious.

Telling somebody that you used to be a prostitute doesn't exactly come up in conversation, but it can be something that one can set aside time to break to the other. And it should, if you are considering marriage with them.

I feel the same way about pretty much anything that could be a potential dealbreaker. Without that information, one person is not making an informed decision. It matters very little if the person is "reformed" or "a different person now". Sometimes they are not.

Besides all that, the likelihood of some of this hidden information coming out later down the road is good. It's happened to many people here on TAM, including me. And by that point, the information itself is often very secondary in their eyes, as it was for me.

So bottom line - if it's something that could change your potential partner's view of you, it's best to tell them early. If it's something that has the very real possibility of coming out later on, tell them early. If it's something you know or find out that your partner has a real issue with, don't hide it.

Some basic examples - if you know your girlfriend wants to marry a man who has not had too many sexual partners previously, and you have, don't hide that. If you are bisexual, don't hide that. If you hate giving blowjobs, don't pretend you don't and then bring that up after you're married. If you're marrying a conservative Christian man who is against abortion and you've had one, don't hide that information. (none of these examples apply to me, they're off the top of my head.)

In other words, if you think or KNOW your potential life mate would have an issue with something from your past, get it out of the way, and the earlier the better. If they love you, they will get past it. If they can't get past it, they don't love you.

But if you spring this kind of **** on somebody 2, 3, 6, 10 years down the road, don't expect any understanding or compassion.

In my real world experience, my wife came out to me about 3-4 years into our relationship, while we were engaged, that she did not have any interest in sex whatsoever. She described herself as being asexual. She could live without it the rest of her life, she didn't think about it, she didn't want it, she didn't need it. We do have it, she does physically enjoy it, she does orgasm, she does participate. But after 3+ years of assuming she had a need for it, as I do, thinking that we were on equal footing in that dept., that we both had physical and emotional needs that we met for each other, that it was MUTUAL - nope, it's all for show, for my "benefit". Something she "doesn't mind at all" but has absolutely zero desire.

Had she been up front about this right off the bat, I could have made an informed decision if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who does not desire me the way a man needs to be desired. Because she didn't, I was not afforded the opportunity to make this decision ahead of time. It's not too late, of course, but it certainly would have been easier back then. For the record, I am 99% confident I would have accepted it. It does not affect how much I love her, but obviously it does affect how I feel she loves me.

I am very adamant about people being up front early on in the relationship. If it's something that you genuinely feel doesn't matter, then you don't need to talk about it. But not having a sex drive kind of matters. Being a prostitute in a previous life matters (to most). Having an abortion at some point prior to seriously dating a regular church goer matters.

Don't hide stuff that is potentially important to how your partner sees you. OWN your mistakes, your past, your horribly bad ideas (and your good ones). Don't think they don't matter or that they won't come out and bite you in the ass 5 or 10 years down the road. TRUST your mate, and more importantly, love them enough to open up to them.


----------



## EleGirl

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I haven't seen a post from the OP in quite a while here. I hope she hasn't been driven away.


I have no doubt that she has been driven away. She would be nuts to come back here and post.


----------



## EleGirl

This thread is frightening.


----------



## ConanHub

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I haven't seen a post from the OP in quite a while here. I hope she hasn't been driven away. Let me try a different view on this:
> 
> She did something wrong - how wrong and to what extent it was here "fault" is hotly debated - and doesn't matter. Its in the past.
> 
> No good will come to anyone from her being in an unhappy relationship. Even if as some have suggested, she became some sort of sex-slave to her husband, not only would she be unhappy, but HE would be unhappy. Could anyone really keep their self respect while treating the woman they love badly? Or be happy living with someone they didn't love?
> 
> She should ask him to forgive her completely. If he can't, then she should find someone who will love her, and he should find someone he can love.
> 
> There are people who can love her. Nothing in her past would drive away someone like me, and I'm sure there are many other like me men out there. Like me, they may not be perfect, they may have an unpleasant past. But they are looking for someone who will love them as they are now, not for what they may have done long ago, and will offer the same love to her.
> 
> As for some of the posters: I'm the closes thing to a real Satanist that you are ever likely to meet, and I think I know more about forgiveness than some Christians. :FIREdevil:


You may just be closer to Christ than some "Christians". I am a Christian BTW.


----------



## JCD

Anon Pink said:


> No Kidding


As long as you are applying it to both side, I got no beef with that 



> OP said she was a teenager. Legal adult is 18 but we all know real adult decision making capabilities don't come till about early mid 20's. Add to that a teenager abusing booze and drugs...we don't know the extent and it doesn't matter, at least not to me, her decision making skills undeveloped and compromised.
> 
> The stupid sh!t we do as teenagers affects us the rest of our lives EVEN when we no longer resemble to stupid sh!t who made those decisions.
> 
> But as an adult, as a sober contemplative person she made a huge mistake in not owning her past.


We spin things to try to make ourselves look better. "I was a co-ed who was low on cash and majored in 'party' so if I wanted some cash for Spring Break, I did a few guys for travel money' is certainly less sympathetic than what Miss Taken is alleging...with no more factual basis than my assertion. 

She was a teen.

She needed money.

She had johns and...others

She drank and did drugs.

Hmm...what a rare circumstance. I don't know ANY kids who did most of that (sans the johns) 

This 'plight' has a lot of stretch. I am not 'projecting' so much as telling a tale in a way that *should* make the automatically sympathetic crowd thoughtful about what is NOT being said.




> Seriously? "There, but for the grace of God go I" means nothing to you?


If she had a little less of a 'why the hell doesn't he get over it', I'd probably be a bit more sympathetic.





> Yup, that was her inexcusable monumental mistake. There is no excuse. He either forgives the lie and omission or he doesn't. But since he engaged in the exact same behavior...he doesn't get to pass judgment on her.


Ridiculous (and I say that in a nice way). If I sold some drugs as a youth and got busted, I would be three times as likely to drop like a ton of bricks on my kids if they did the same. Does that make me a hypocrite...or does that mean I *learned* something? I am not going to make an excuse for him. I don't know him.

But the hypocrisy argument about CRIMINAL ACTIONS holds almost zero weight with me.




> Completely disagree. But this is one of the judgment call kind of things, so it's pointless to debate this item.


Granted.



> Nope, not at all! No one is laying into his character for having spent time in strip clubs or time with a pro. What we ARE laying into him about is his hypocritical double standard that it was forgivable for him but not for his wife.


Clarity. She forgave him. He wasn't given the same knowledge of her past.

I have known cheaters. I have known robbers. I even knew a murderer. I had relationships with them. I would not marry them. This does not make me a hypocrite.

But to be clear, I find that aspect of his personality distasteful as well. But not cripplingly so.




> The bolded part is almost complete projection. We don't know what HE wants, we only know he is demanding something sexual that doesn't feel right to her. It could be something simple like a BJ while driving or it could be something painful for her, or it could be something that completely dehumanizes her like sex on demand.
> 
> Here is what OP actually said "Because, now he feels entitled to have my body any way he wants and that through this he can "partly heal". That doesn't feel right for me. "
> 
> You simply can't assume she's been giving him straight missionary once a month based on that!


Read carefully. I am stating that, in his currently fevered imagination, she was 'wild party girl' before. She said she told him she used to have a lot of sex and drank and did drugs (again, not exactly a rare thing) and I'm guessing she even minimized that. Now he finds out that she would 'do anything' for a few bucks. 

I have no idea what their sex life is. Maybe it was interesting and varied. He just got a huge bucket load of insecurity dumped on his head. He is angry and *betrayed.* She thinks that the last 10 years makes up for everything. 

He doesn't feel that way. He feels that 'wild party girl' never showed up in his life, and if she would do stuff for mere cashfilled louts, she certainly should be willing to do 'wild' things for someone who loved and supported her for a decade.

I do not like how he phrased it at all. "Partial healing". And I while I think he is morally wrong, I also look at it through the lens of 'a very angry man who feels betrayed'. Because what is the next 'secret' she is going to reveal? "I'm a lesbian"?

I think a soupcon of understanding is owed to this guy, but for most of the posters, it's all gyno-centric.

And I'm calling them on it.




> Teenagers ROUTINELY exchange sex for drugs. It's a slippery slope for some to go from that to asking for money instead. It's all degrading and it's all tragic and the honest thing is to admit it, own your history, claim your new self and move the hell on!


Agreed. I wish more people were more forgiving in this regard on this subject. But she is minimizing and throwing as much mud on her husband as possible, and I find that unpalatable.



> JCD, this last paragraph is something I only WISH I could agree with. But as you know from reading TAM, slvt shaming is ALIVE and well with countless threads about retroactive jealousy and men who can't get over the fact that they weren't the first man to have shower sex with his wife! This is a KNOWN fact among women. This is why women hide their sexual past and this is why women almost always down play their number of previous lovers.
> 
> In a perfect world she would have confessed her sexual past when he confessed his. But the fact that she was able to forgive him does indeed place a burden on him to be just as forgiving of that sin, while also taking his time to forgive her sin of falseness.


Just to be clear: she forgave him for smoking a joint. He needs to forgive her for being a drug dealer.

Yes, there is a moral onus. There is also a moral onus of remorse.

I hope she has it. I hope he finds it.

He is angry and rightfully so. So I am not going to pile onto him. Give him time. He may see things a bit clearer soon.


----------



## Anon Pink

JCD, we essentially agree.

The gynno-centric remark is off the mark. Women's collective history means we all have a BTDT connection to the directive "save yourself for marriage" been "ruined" and of course slvt shaming.

Once you come up with a male centric term for slvt that is just as derogatory, then we can talk gynno-centric pervasiveness.

I do like this sentence of yours "Just to be clear: she forgave him for smoking a joint. He needs to forgive her for being a drug dealer." I like it because it removes the slvt shaming position several men are latching on to in this thread.

Women won't tolerate slvt shaming anymore! When men do it, we call them on it, loud and clear! The next step in not tolerating slvt shaming is owning your sexual past and if he can't cope with it kick his ass to the curb! No woman should live with a man who embraces the old double standards.

That's what has the women in this thread riled up about. And that what the men are also riled up about. Though they try to frame their outrage in her dishonesty, we all know it's really about her having opened her legs way too many times.


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## bfree

AP, I agree. Shaming in this way is not welcomed, not only by women but by intelligent men as well. I am a Christian so I fully believe in atonement and forgiveness. The OP left that world behind and by living a good clean life I feel that she had atoned for her past life choices. She did lie to her husband so she needs to work toward forgiveness for that lie. But NOT for her past choices. That was before they married and he knew she was no virgin and had been with many guys. She omitted certain important facts and that is the basis for the conflict and that only. I am no "white knight." I am no beta male. Those that wish to inspect my man card may do so at any time. I keep it firmly taped to my knuckles. The fact is that I am not always a nice guy. I can be an azzhole. But I have a past just like everyone else. I have done my best to atone for my past poor choices. Some still judge me for the things I did. That is their right and their problem. The OP's husband has every right to decide not to forgive and to terminate the marriage. He does NOT have the right to demand she perform sexual acts like a hooker. Marriage needs respect. Without respect it cannot survive.


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## Miss Taken

I think plenty of people, myself included do take issue with the fact that OP carried this lie about a deal-breaker for so long. If the husband feels betrayed in some way, that is understandable. However, while he may have legitimate feelings/concerns he is going about them in a very illegitimate way. So illegitimate that it has overshadowed the need to validate his feelings. 

She should have remorse for her lying to her husband. That is the real issue here. The lying and not that she was a former teen prostitute (regardless if the narrative of that is more fitting to my or JCD's version). 

However I don't think that she needs to continue to feel remorseful for something she changed and reformed herself of doing at least fifteen years ago. I don't believe people need to perpetually play the whipping boy for past misdeeds that have been atoned for and learned from. I also believe people can change - OP probably has and if we continue to treat people like they can never change all the while demanding they do so, we remove incentive to do so.

I don't think it makes OP a bad person for having forgiven herself already for the prostitution and healing from it. The only thing she ought to be empathetic about is how her deceit has hurt her husband. I also understand that she has had years to process all of this and heal from it. To him it's as fresh as yesterday. However, he can't make her relive those feelings of shame and depravity so he can heal or try to force her to. 

Finally, while I've never been a prostitute/in OP's situation I do think that I would have an easier time expressing my remorse for hurting someone that wasn't calling me a wh0re and demanding I perform as a prostitute for him. I do realize he does so because he is hurting - still that explains it but does not justify it. 

Add to that, and yes I realize I have said this before but given that her husband was/is also not contrite towards her about his own misgivings in the marriage is likely not helping her feel remorseful either.


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening Alexm and others
I think there is a huge difference between omitting talking about what you were in the past, and lying about what you are now. 

1), Someone who was very sexually active in the past but doesn't want to be anymore, I don't think needs to tell a potential partner about their past.

2). Someone who pretends to enjoy sex, but actually hates it DOES need to tell a potential partner. 


One big issue with this sort of thing is that it is never the right time to tell. Relationships evolve gradually, and I can see it never being the right time to tell a partner about a past. (again if it is about your present / future behavior, that is a different thing) .


----------



## Thundarr

Prostitution transcends the slvt shaming debate because both genders are judged for it. Not just women. It's obvious that this kind of history shouldn't be hidden from the person who wants to spend their life with you and then sprung after years of marriage. How can they feel anything other than tricked, betrayed, and confused even if the history wouldn't have been a huge deal for them to get past. 

I think most men and women alike would be angry to find out something like this about their SO because prostitution isn't about judgement of sexuality. It's about selling your body or buying someone else's body as an object. So anyway, it's not the same issue as normal sexual past. Had I ever been with a prostitute I would have told my wife this before letting her say 'I do' because it seems like 'need to know info'. But there's a big list of things like that from prior drug additions, felony charges, etc. Just common sense things to get out there.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: I lied about my sexual past*



Thundarr said:


> Prostitution transcends the slvt shaming debate because both genders are judged for it. Not just women. It's obvious that this kind of history shouldn't be hidden from the person who wants to spend their life with you and then sprung after years of marriage. How can they feel anything other than tricked, betrayed, and confused even if the history wouldn't have been a huge deal for them to get past.
> 
> I think most men and women alike would be angry to find out something like this about their SO because prostitution isn't about judgement of sexuality. It's about selling your body or buying someone else's body as an object. So anyway, it's not the same issue as normal sexual past. Had I ever been with a prostitute I would have told my wife this before letting her say 'I do' because it seems like 'need to know info'. But there's a big list of things like that from prior drug additions, felony charges, etc. Just common sense things to get out there.


I'm not picking on you. Rather I'm using your post to ask a question of those that feel what the OP did in her past is borderline unforgivable. I had this thought. Would you feel the same way if she had said she was a virgin but then it was discovered that she either had intercourse one time or she had engaged in a sexual act not specifically piv but something like anal sex? Because I'm quite sure that this had happened in the past and putting aside religious considerations I would guess it had not incurred the same level of rancor.


----------



## Thundarr

bfree said:


> I'm not picking on you. Rather I'm using your post to ask a question of those that feel what the OP did in her past is borderline unforgivable. I had this thought. Would you feel the same way if she had said she was a virgin but then it was discovered that she either had intercourse one time or she had engaged in a sexual act not specifically piv but something like anal sex? Because I'm quite sure that this had happened in the past and putting aside religious considerations I would guess it had not incurred the same level of rancor.


It is forgiveable but it's just not a close call as to whether she should have brought it up before hand. Sexual history on the other hand is tricky because women are judged and we usually are not. It's almost a cultural thing where women feel unfairly judged so they omit some stuff. I'm not sure I blame them but still it's not giving the guy who loves them much credit. Maybe that's part of the problem. Some guys let their insecurities take over and scare women from telling a guy would wouldn't do that the truth.

I think prostitution is more in line with non-sexual histories that we all kind of know we're supposed to own though. Things like additions, criminal records, etc. Those are things that really affect a relationship if it's found out by friends and family. Prior history of prostitution would be IMO as well.


----------



## alexm

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Alexm and others
> I think there is a huge difference between omitting talking about what you were in the past, and lying about what you are now.
> 
> 1), Someone who was very sexually active in the past but doesn't want to be anymore, I don't think needs to tell a potential partner about their past.
> 
> 2). Someone who pretends to enjoy sex, but actually hates it DOES need to tell a potential partner.
> 
> 
> One big issue with this sort of thing is that it is never the right time to tell. Relationships evolve gradually, and I can see it never being the right time to tell a partner about a past. (again if it is about your present / future behavior, that is a different thing) .


I think you misunderstand slightly.

I do not for one second think that everybody should tell their partner about how many women/men they've been with, or divulge their past experiences.

Unless... it is clear and obvious that said partner is specifically looking for a potential mate who was not promiscuous, for example. Then yes, I believe that information should be divulged at some point, BEFORE marriage, and preferably as things are getting serious.

The reasons that somebody has a preference for a partner with "less than X" number of partners is irrelevant. It's their own prerogative, whether you agree or not. Many people have seemingly stupid stipulations and dealbreakers, and some are downright shallow. But they have them. "No fat chicks." "I only date tall men." etc etc etc.

So yes, if Jane Doe specifically does not want to date a man who has "been around the block", then it is her right to be able to make an informed decision based on whatever silly or shallow criteria she has in regards to mate selection.

It matters not that you or I think somebody's criteria for a mate are shallow, stupid or ridiculous. If I knew I did something/was somebody that my partner had a real issue with and it was clear that it could be a dealbreaker for her, I would only be serving my own selfish interests if I keep this from her.

If I have no inkling that the man I was would have any bearing whatsoever on things, then I have no responsibility to divulge this to her. I am fairly confident that my wife wouldn't blink twice if I had been with 100 women before her. I am equally confident that she would have a spaz if those women had all paid me.


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## EleGirl

With the OP, she says that he knew everything about her past except that she received money from some of the men she had sex with.

So he knew about her drug addiction and that she had been sexual with many men as a teen.

She also said that she had stopped this destructive behavior 5-6 years before meeting her now husband.

I wish that the OP had not been run off as more detail about her situation would have been good to have.

So it's that one bit of info.. the exchange of money that she had not told him.

As someone else said previously, anyone who knows about the life lived by young female drug addicts knows that they very often exchange sex for either money or drugs. That's just part of that lifestyle.


----------



## alexm

Thundarr said:


> I think prostitution is more in line with non-sexual histories that we all kind of know we're supposed to own though. Things like additions, criminal records, etc. Those are things that really affect a relationship if it's found out by friends and family. Prior history of prostitution would be IMO as well.


Nailed it.

And it's clear that OP's husband has an issue with _this_, rather than the sexual side of it. As OP said, husband already knew that she had a "full" past and was okay with it.

And as you said above, Thundarr, prostitution doesn't really fall into the slvt shaming side of things. It's highly unlikely that it is enjoyable, let alone even remotely sexual. It is a means to an end, whether that end is to eat, or to feed an addiction. This is rarely (or never) something somebody does to kill time or have a little extra spending money, let alone enjoy and/or feel good about doing.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Thundarr
Not me. Its her body to sell. I think that prostitution is a poor choice for the majority of women, but I in no way blame them for making that choice. For some, in some situations, I believe it is a good choice. A woman who can separate sex from love might be making a very reasonable choice to work a night or two a month as an escort rather than every night flipping burgers to put herself through college. 



Thundarr said:


> I think most men and women alike would be angry to find out something like this about their SO because prostitution isn't about judgement of sexuality. I


----------



## Thundarr

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Thundarr
> Not me. Its her body to sell. I think that prostitution is a poor choice for the majority of women, but I in no way blame them for making that choice. For some, in some situations, I believe it is a good choice. A woman who can separate sex from love might be making a very reasonable choice to work a night or two a month as an escort rather than every night flipping burgers to put herself through college.


Honestly I don't know if it would be a big deal to me or not. I do consider it the type of past that should be shared before marriage though. There's really not a good reason for someone to have to wrap their brain around that after the fact.


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## JCD

EleGirl said:


> As someone else said previously, anyone who knows about the life lived by young female drug addicts knows that they very often exchange sex for either money or drugs. That's just part of that lifestyle.


I am not buying it. Because the OP said she told him about her drug use. We don't know if she told him she was an addict.

And 'he should have known she might have done this' doesn't hold a lot of water with me. It is a lie by omission except with blaming the listener for not drawing the proper inferences.

This is not clear communication.


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## murphy5

Miss Taken said:


> A woman who leaves a man for that is in her right to do so.


I think it is the OP's husband that has the right to leave her! 

all this other hor**** is giving me indigestion.


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## JCD

murphy5 said:


> I think it is the OP's husband that has the right to leave her!
> 
> all this other hor**** is giving me indigestion.


That is the thing. The man is saying 'If you love me, if you REALLY love me, you'd do whatever you've done in the past sexually for others for me just to make me feel I am as important to you as some scumbag?'

This is coercive and abusive. I will certainly grant is it emotional blackmail. "If you loved me, you'd do it."

And what is she and the wonderful ladies saying? "If he loved her, if he TRULY loved her, he would just get over this and let her ride off consequence free from 10 years of betrayal."

This is also emotional blackmail, albeit something she wants. "If you loved me, you'd do it."

Both involve quite a bit of emotional pain and suffering for the 'victim'. The only thing that's changed is what the 'it' is that the other wants. Just as a bit of perspective. She doesn't want to feel like a wh*re to her husband. He doesn't want to feel like a chump to his wife whom she can just lie to without consequences. In any case, because of *her actions*, the relationship dynamic is permanently changed...and he didn't do it.

And ladies...just remember. If it is abusive and coercive to 'force' someone to do something they don't want to, remember that next time you want to talk your SO into going to see that POS your cousin Edmund, you know, the guy he despises. Let him stay home and watch college football instead. Because it isn't just wrong for sex...


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## Miss Taken

JCD said:


> I am not buying it. Because the OP said she told him about her drug use. We don't know if she told him she was an addict.
> 
> And 'he should have known she might have done this' doesn't hold a lot of water with me. It is a lie by omission except with blaming the listener for not drawing the proper inferences.
> 
> This is not clear communication.


I don't think that anyone has said he should have known she did this. Many men and women alike experiment with drugs and alcohol growing up whether as teens/in college. Not many prostitute themselves or utilize prostitutes.

I do think that like attracts like and in this case their lives before meeting each other parallel one another. She wasn't a good ol Catholic school girl. He was far from being a Choir boy. 




murphy5 said:


> I think it is the OP's husband that has the right to leave her!
> 
> all this other hor**** is giving me indigestion.


He _is _well within his right to leave her if he cannot stomach her past. He is not within his right to coerce her into sexual acts she finds hurtful or degrading. If he insists on abuse - and that is abusive then she is in her right to leave him over that. You may think that's horsesh!t but you also find yourself in the minority on that point. 




JCD said:


> And what is she and the wonderful ladies saying? "If he loved her, if he TRULY loved her, he would just get over this and let her ride off consequence free from 10 years of betrayal."


That is NOT what women are saying. Nobody takes offense to his being hurt or upset or feeling betrayed by her deception. Us wonderful women do take offence with the way he is expressing that hurt. i.e.) the emotional blackmail to get sex.



JCD said:


> Both involve quite a bit of emotional pain and suffering for the 'victim'. The only thing that's changed is what the 'it' is that the other wants. Just as a bit of perspective. She doesn't want to feel like a wh*re to her husband. He doesn't want to feel like a chump to his wife whom she can just lie to without consequences. In any case, because of *her actions*, the relationship dynamic is permanently changed...and he didn't do it.


I do agree with this. I don't know what the solution is but I'm sure going tit for tat in pain infliction is not the solution. Again, don't know what the solution is. This situation may well be beyond repair. 

I do think it is possible to get over. Though not the same, after I found out my spouse had been unfaithful I certainly thought about getting my revenge and having an affair. That did pass though and I did heal without going an eye for an eye. 



JCD said:


> And ladies...just remember. If it is abusive and coercive to 'force' someone to do something they don't want to, remember that next time you want to talk your SO into going to see that POS your cousin Edmund, you know, the guy he despises. Let him stay home and watch college football instead. Because it isn't just wrong for sex...



Pfffffffffffffffffffft. Not at all the same. Men also do many things or don't do them depending on how often/well they are bedded. But that's another can of worms.


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## JCD

Miss Taken said:


> I don't think that anyone has said he should have known she did this. Many men and women alike experiment with drugs and alcohol growing up whether as teens/in college. Not many prostitute themselves or utilize prostitutes.
> 
> I do think that like attracts like and in this case their lives before meeting each other parallel one another. She wasn't a good ol Catholic school girl. He was far from being a Choir boy.


I think it was more of a dynamic of her looking some someone who wasn't perfect. 

And I disagree. I think Anon Pink and Elegirl pretty strongly implied that 'he shoulda known she would trade sex for whatever cause she used drugs'. I may be mistaken however.




> He _is _well within his right to leave her if he cannot stomach her past. He is not within his right to coerce her into sexual acts she finds hurtful or degrading. If he insists on abuse - and that is abusive then she is in her right to leave him over that. You may think that's horsesh!t but you also find yourself in the minority on that point.


Absolutely not. I do not think that she should accept anything she doesn't want to accept. Just like he has the right to leave over things he finds abusive. I am making known how he looks at the issue.

I am going to have to go long winded here (I know...too late!). We had this lady poster. She had a boyfriend/partner whatever. She mentioned that he used to make her drive the car, always split the bills, she had to buy the drinks etc. Cheap ass date.

And then she found out he had a 'friend'. He drove the 'friend' to interviews. He brought her to lavish restaurants (he paid, natch) she never picked up a tab, etc. etc.

She felt emotionally devastated and lesser in his eyes. She then had a long heart to heart with this dirt bag and told him exactly where the bear crapped in the woods. She was not going to be taking any kind of substandard treatment.

And the ladies all applauded her. I did too.

I don't think this woman's husband is right and I think he is phrasing everything badly (as reported), but he certainly feels the same as this taken for granted woman. You are just looking at him through the lens of 'blackmailing lout' and I am trying to get you to open your eyes to see that there is more going on emotionally.

I don't care if you will not violate your principle of sexual autonomy. That's fine. But this is not someone just going 'Hur hur hur....I'm going to make her PAAAAYYYY!' as he suggestively rubs his groin.






> That is NOT what women are saying. Nobody takes offense to his being hurt or upset or feeling betrayed by her deception. Us wonderful women do take offence with the way he is expressing that hurt. i.e.) the emotional blackmail to get sex.


Hmm. I must have been imagining all the calls of hypocrisy, the appeals to statue of limitations, that she had been wonderful for a decade etc. No, no one is saying he shouldn't be hurt but pretty much everyone is implying that she is a poor frail waif who deserves clemency and that while _technically_ he is within his rights to leave her over this, he is a low grade lout if he does so.

The tone has ridden through LOUD AND CLEAR!



> I do agree with this. I don't know what the solution is but I'm sure going tit for tat in pain infliction is not the solution. Again, don't know what the solution is. This situation may well be beyond repair.
> 
> I do think it is possible to get over. Though not the same, after I found out my spouse had been unfaithful I certainly thought about getting my revenge and having an affair. That did pass though and I did heal without going an eye for an eye.


Also true. We agree.

I would suggest that she goes to him, tells him how bad that time was for her and that she does not want to besmirch her relationship with him, which was the first really decent thing in her life for a long time, to get sullied by him treating her like a pro. That she loves him and cares for him but she thinks he is lashing out and might very well damage their relationship more.

I think at this point, a few anecdotes and specifics WOULD be helpful. Let him know some of the atrocities she had to go through. Because while he feels 'substandard' in her demonstrations of affections (probably incorrectly, but whatever), if he has any soul in his body (and he DOES) then he does not want to be like "That Guy" who did those miserable things to his wife.

It will give him some clarity. And if he is already out the door, it certainly can't hurt.




> Pfffffffffffffffffffft. Not at all the same. Men also do many things or don't do them depending on how often/well they are bedded. But that's another can of worms.


So...it's okay for a woman to bargain with sex...but not for a man to try to bargain?


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## ScarletBegonias

Rayloveshiswife said:


> If you really want to split hairs. Every woman has prostituted herself at some point in time to get what they wanted weather it be money, jewelry, a new car, etc. I can't count the number of times in the last that my wife promised me awesome sex if I did or bought her something.
> 
> In my opinion the OPs husband is being a small minded.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 huh what?! Uh no.How about changing that to "women I've known" instead of "Every woman". 

This particular woman hasn't ever prostituted herself for money,jewelry,cars,or other material items. There are PLENTY of women who don't use sex to get stuff and are simply doing it because it feels good. Your wife promising you awesome sex if you did something for her or bought her something is definitely NOT how all women do things.


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## JCD

Oh...by the way.

I think he should forgive her too. It was fifteen years ago! She was a kid! She has, if she is to be believed, a good wife. She has shown that she has changed.

I agree with most of the posters on clemency...even if I defend his right to not be okay with this and observe she is NOT getting that what she did was wrong.

I don't think she is OWED forgiveness. One never is. I don't care about his hypocrisy either.

But, after a few months of anger, I think they should work things out.


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## Tommy509

my $.02....

It's not the offending act that matters, but the lies and cover up. When you enter a marriage, you disclose EVERYTHING. Doesn't matter how embarrassing or shameful is was. You're entering into a lifetime contract with your spouse and there should be no secrets. Period. He has every right to be pissed and will need time to absorb and digest. Only he can decide whether he can forgive. If not, he should make a quick break and move on. This will hang over them for the rest of their relationship. We all made mistakes in the past and mistakes are forgivable. Continuing to lie about them in the present to someone we supposedly love is a whole different story and may be unforgivable. OP was wrong to withhold that and will have to accept the consequences.


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## EleGirl

Rayloveshiswife said:


> If you really want to split hairs. Every woman has prostituted herself at some point in time to get what they wanted weather it be money, jewelry, a new car, etc. I can't count the number of times in the last that my wife promised me awesome sex if I did or bought her something.
> 
> In my opinion the OPs husband is being a small minded.


You need to change this post to say that some women you know do this. ALL WOMEN do not do this.

If this is the kind of woman you hang around with and you married, that's your problem. Do not hang this kind of disgusting behavior on all women.


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## TheCuriousWife

ScarletBegonias said:


> huh what?! Uh no.How about changing that to "women I've known" instead of "Every woman".
> 
> This particular woman hasn't ever prostituted herself for money,jewelry,cars,or other material items. There are PLENTY of women who don't use sex to get stuff and are simply doing it because it feels good. Your wife promising you awesome sex if you did something for her or bought her something is definitely NOT how all women do things.


:iagree:


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## bfree

*Re: Re: I lied about my sexual past*



EleGirl said:


> You need to change this post to say that some women you know do this. ALL WOMEN do not do this.
> 
> If this is the kind of woman you hang around with and you married, that's your problem. Do not hang this kind of disgusting behavior on all women.


Yeah, if I offered my wife something in exchange for sex she'd probably Lorena Bobbitt me that night.


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## skype

Rayloveshiswife said:


> If you really want to split hairs. Every woman has prostituted herself at some point in time to get what they wanted weather it be money, jewelry, a new car, etc. I can't count the number of times in the last that my wife promised me awesome sex if I did or bought her something.
> 
> In my opinion the OPs husband is being a small minded.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate the belief that manipulative tit-for-tat in a marriage equals prostitution. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want does not equate to having sex for money with hundreds, possibly thousands, of anonymous people. 

There is a vast difference between manipulating your spouse, whom you supposedly love, to get what you want, and charging strangers for access to your body.


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## EleGirl

JCD said:


> And I disagree. I think Anon Pink and Elegirl pretty strongly implied that 'he shoulda known she would trade sex for whatever cause she used drugs'. I may be mistaken however.


I did say something to this effect. Because of the way the OP described what she was doing as a teen I immediately assumed that the many sex partners included some kind of sex for drugs or money. I would think that most people know that this is what goes on in that segment of society in which there are young female drug addicts. Now maybe I’m jaded because I’ve done a lot of volunteer work with teens in this population. Most of these kids come from homes where they were abused; either extreme emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Not all mind you, but most. 

Most of the girls use sex to get drugs, money, etc. It’s an easy way for them to get their next fix. There are male addicts who so this as well. There are plenty of adult men more than willing to take advantage of under aged addicts. The term “meth *****” exists for a reason.

Now maybe her husband is naïve. Or maybe he just wanted to think the best of her. We don’t know much of anything about him except that he was not concerned about her drug addiction and very promiscuous sexual past. The one thing that seems to concern him is that she took money/drugs in exchange for sex.



JCD said:


> Hmm. I must have been imagining all the calls of hypocrisy, the appeals to statue of limitations, that she had been wonderful for a decade etc. No, no one is saying he shouldn't be hurt but pretty much everyone is implying that she is a poor frail waif who deserves clemency and that while _technically_ he is within his rights to leave her over this, he is a low grade lout if he does so.


I do think it’s hypocritical for a man who uses goes to strip clubs, gets lap dances, uses prostitutes, etc. to then look down on prostitutes. A john is really no better than the prostitute. At the very least a john should be man enough to admit that he’s part of the problem and has participated in something pretty sleazy.

Now I think that if the husband no longer does these things then of course he deserves forgiveness.

I’m not sure what the OP meant when she said that she was a sex worker. Does that mean that she walked up and down the street taking up johns? Or was it a more casual thing where she was in a situation where she was offered money/drugs for sex and she was not soliciting? We don’t’ know.

I also agree that the OP should have told him a long time ago the detail that she had sex for money/drugs. This is one of those things that I think a future spouse needs to know so that they can make an informed decision. She was wrong in not telling him. And he has every right to be extremely upset that she did not. 

If her husband ends up leaving her for this, well that’s his choice to make. I think that guy might already be unhappy in his marriage to her. After all he had an affair (at least one she knows of). This might be the easy out he’s been looking for. But in the end he has the right to decide what he can deal with in his life for whatever his reasons might be.

I’m in the group here who thinks that if she’s been a good partner/wife and mother for the last 10 years, then I hope he can forgive her and they can move on. It will take time for him to come to terms with this. But hopefully they will work it out and go on to have a good marriage and their child will spared a broken family.


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## EleGirl

bfree said:


> Yeah, if I offered my wife something in exchange for sex she'd probably Lorena Bobbitt me that night.


:rofl: I think I'd react the same way your wife would.


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## EleGirl

skype said:


> I hate the belief that manipulative tit-for-tat in a marriage equals prostitution. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want does not equate to having sex for money with hundreds, possibly thousands, of anonymous people.
> 
> There is a vast difference between manipulating your spouse, whom you supposedly love, to get what you want, and charging strangers for access to your body.


While I will agree that spouses using sex for "tit-for-tat" is not the same as prostitution, I really do not believe that most women do this. I know that I never have and never would. The reason for sex is a marriage is not to get things. It's to love each other and to make each other feel good.


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## Miss Taken

JCD said:


> I think it was more of a dynamic of her looking some someone who wasn't perfect.
> 
> And I disagree. I think Anon Pink and Elegirl pretty strongly implied that 'he shoulda known she would trade sex for whatever cause she used drugs'. *I may be mistaken however.*


And so may I. That isn't how I read it though. 




JCD said:


> I don't think this woman's husband is right and I think he is phrasing everything badly (as reported), but he certainly feels the same as this taken for granted woman. You are just looking at him through the lens of 'blackmailing lout' and I am trying to get you to open your eyes to see that there is more going on emotionally.


I do see that he has legitimate reasons to feel hurt over this. But like I said before, I think that the way he went about it was illegitimate. Admittedly, it was offensive to my sensibilities, to the extent that it overshadowed any empathy I may have had for him.



JCD said:


> I don't care if you will not violate your principle of sexual autonomy. That's fine. But this is not someone just going 'Hur hur hur....I'm going to make her PAAAAYYYY!' as he suggestively rubs his groin.


I think you may be right. Gosh, I HOPE you are right. I know people say/do DUMB things when they are hurting. I hope that is the case here. 



JCD said:


> I would suggest that she goes to him, tells him how bad that time was for her and that she does not want to besmirch her relationship with him, which was the first really decent thing in her life for a long time, to get sullied by him treating her like a pro. That she loves him and cares for him but she thinks he is lashing out and might very well damage their relationship more.
> 
> I think at this point, a few anecdotes and specifics WOULD be helpful. Let him know some of the atrocities she had to go through. Because while he feels 'substandard' in her demonstrations of affections (probably incorrectly, but whatever), if he has any soul in his body (and he DOES) then he does not want to be like "That Guy" who did those miserable things to his wife.
> 
> It will give him some clarity. And if he is already out the door, it certainly can't hurt.


I genuinely like this suggestion. I think it is the closest thing to/the best constructive and possibly helpful advice I have seen proposed for this situation outside of the obvious - go to marital counseling. 




JCD said:


> So...it's okay for a woman to bargain with sex...but not for a man to try to bargain?


Never said that/wouldn't know. Sex isn't used as a bargaining chip in my relationship or any past ones. 

As an outsider looking in to those kinds of relationship dynamics, I don't agree with it/think it's okay whether a woman is flaunting her fanny in exchange for a visit to Cousin Pearl's or a man is offering deep conversations and cuddling in exchange for some poon. I think sex should be given/received freely for the sake of sex, pleasure and the bonding it reinforces/enhances between the couple.

ETA: I wrote this at the same time Ele was posting.


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## NobodySpecial

EleGirl said:


> You need to change this post to say that some women you know do this. ALL WOMEN do not do this.
> 
> If this is the kind of woman you hang around with and you married, that's your problem. Do not hang this kind of disgusting behavior on all women.


I can buy my own f'in car.


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## JCD

Miss Taken said:


> I genuinely like this suggestion. I think it is the closest thing to/the best constructive and possibly helpful advice I have seen proposed for this situation outside of the obvious - go to marital counseling.


Thanks. I am only 90% odious.


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## treyvion

skype said:


> I hate the belief that manipulative tit-for-tat in a marriage equals prostitution. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want does not equate to having sex for money with hundreds, possibly thousands, of anonymous people.
> 
> There is a vast difference between manipulating your spouse, whom you supposedly love, to get what you want, and charging strangers for access to your body.


They are letting some access their body who are completely digusting, and they have no desire for. It really is selling your soul in little bits at a time.


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## lenzi

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Every woman has prostituted herself at some point in time to get what they wanted weather it be money, jewelry, a new car, etc. I can't count the number of times in the last that my wife promised me awesome sex if I did or bought her something.


Ray I got news for you. 

Not every wife is like yours.

There's something VERY wrong with what your wife is doing to you and it's somewhat of a concern that rather than you seeing it as a big problem, you see it as typical of all women.


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## JCD

Eh. I am not so critical on looking at sex as a black and white issue.

Say I really loathe the sea. Wifey wants to go to the beach as do the kids. I see nothing wrong with her mentioning that she would make sure that I would find other things to enjoy while I was there so the trip wasn't totally wasted on me.

GENERALLY we should all avoid things the other spouse doesn't like and we should all be willing to have sex no matter what. It isn't a commodity.

But an added sweetener now and then to help with necessary unpleasantness in life...what's wrong with that?

And certainly, if your spouse does something REALLY SPECTACULAR...ladies, would you turn down a one hour full body massage because your husband appreciates you really knocking yourself out with a meal or wowing them at a sales conference?

Does this thank you present make a massage a commodity? No...and yes. I would be careful about these things, but I wouldn't be judgmental about them.


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## Mostlycontent

Tommy509 said:


> my $.02....
> 
> It's not the offending act that matters, but the lies and cover up. When you enter a marriage, you disclose EVERYTHING. Doesn't matter how embarrassing or shameful is was. You're entering into a lifetime contract with your spouse and there should be no secrets. Period. He has every right to be pissed and will need time to absorb and digest. Only he can decide whether he can forgive. If not, he should make a quick break and move on. This will hang over them for the rest of their relationship. We all made mistakes in the past and mistakes are forgivable. Continuing to lie about them in the present to someone we supposedly love is a whole different story and may be unforgivable. OP was wrong to withhold that and will have to accept the consequences.



I'm right there with you, Tommy. My W and I disclosed everything to one another before we were married and I'm glad we did. She was going to be my life partner and the mother of my children so I deserved to know everything about her and her me.

If this situation happened to me, I could absolutely forgive my W for it because I love her deeply. That does not mean, however, that I would necessarily stay married to her. After commitment to stay married though good and bad, honesty and trust are the next two most important things in my mind.

When trust has been completely eroded, I'm not sure marriage can even exist any longer. Perhaps through years of therapy there could be a chance but OP's husband would have to decide it he even wishes to pursue it. 

This is an extreme case no doubt but yet another reason to be open and honest before one gets married. No matter how difficult it may be to divulge, your potential spouse has a right to know and a right to decide for themselves if they want that in their life. Lying about one's past or in this case, lying by omission, is almost always selfish and self serving and robs your potential mate of the power of choice.


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## murphy5

skype said:


> There is a vast difference between manipulating your spouse, whom you supposedly love, to get what you want, and charging strangers for access to your body.


No SH*T! My wife is WAY MORE expensive!:rofl:


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## richie33

She knew all his scabs, warts, skeletons in the closet. She decided she could live with that knowledge and marry him. Husband maybe a jerk but I don't think he is a hypocrite. If he knew she was a hooker in the past and kept throwing that in her face, then he would be a hypocrite. She took that away from him by not telling him before marriage and children. We all talk about boundaries spouse have this may have been one of them. Hyprocrites or not, her being a hooker in the past may have been a reason for him not to marry her. Her lie took that away from him.
That said she obviously changed her life for the better. Being a good wife and mother all these years should account for a lot. It was brave of her to finally tell him this. She could have taken this to her grave.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening JCD
I think that sex really should be mutual, not something one person does FOR the other. An occasional "gift" is great - but I think it is very important that it remain a "gift' and not a "payment".




JCD said:


> snip
> 
> But an added sweetener now and then to help with necessary unpleasantness in life...what's wrong with that?
> 
> And certainly, if your spouse does something REALLY SPECTACULAR...ladies, would you turn down a one hour full body massage because your husband appreciates you really knocking yourself out with a meal or wowing them at a sales conference?
> 
> .


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