# Why does HER life keep getting better?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

My stbxw called me today to tell me a story about something great that happened to her today. Shared it w/ me b/c it was something she did based on advice I had given her.

WHY does it keep getting better for her and I still suffer through every day?

NOT FAIR!!!!!!! She ruins my life and her's just keeps getting better and better. Why isn't she being punished for what she has done to our family??!?!?!?!


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

What advice was that?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hers is getting better because you are not making yours better. Stop chit chatting with her. Tell her to write Dear Abbey next time she needs advice. You are way too accommodating. Mr Pushover Nice Guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

scione said:


> What advice was that?


Eh, too personal to post online and not really relevant. Just basically me telling her to be strong when she doesn't feel strong.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

You should follow your own advice. 

I think it's ok to be nice to her, if she's nice to you. She'll feel even more guilty. Her life is not really better than you. If her life is better, then she wouldn't coming to you for advice.

Just know that affair does not last. You'll have the last laugh in the end.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

stop focusing on her life, focus on YOU 

my stbxh thought everything was going badly even when it wasn't because he had such a negative outlook on everything

turn that frown upside down dude


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Her life is getting better because she is selfish enough to go after what she wants (even if she is morally corrupt).

Stop being codependent on this person that used to be significant to you, put yourself first - you are not only allowed to but you need to if you ever want your life going in the right direction.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Take your own advice.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i agree with everyone! sd, you deserve better than this, learn to protect yourself by no longer allowing chitchats, any news about her. this is your time. what does sd want to do that maybe never had time to?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Hers is getting better because you are not making yours better. Stop chit chatting with her. Tell her to write Dear Abbey next time she needs advice. You are way too accommodating. Mr Pushover Nice Guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo!


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Maybe she did it in good faith, maybe she didn't. I can't tell... but the bottom line is that this made you upset. 

Try to distance yourself from her and set boundaries. 

It will be tough, but better in the long run.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My ex got a huge windfall about 2 months after I moved out.
One of her retirement programs cashed out by the company, because they couldnt extend the program to a sister office in another state. So everyone got big fat checks. 
I walked away with over 18K in community debt to take care of, because most were also in my name, and her inability to manage money wouldve affected both of us negatively. 

THEN,,, she gets that check, pays off her car, pays off her own personal cc debt, gets the house painted, new flooring, new front loading washer/dryer, new flatscreen....

The she proceeded to get rearended THREE times in a period of four weeks. Lots of repair costs, shes driving a loaner right now.

Dont know what to think about all that. I WAS cursing the universe for her luck and my troubles. 
Its all about what you really honestly know about their situation and what they allow to be known.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I signed over the retirement savings (what little there were) to my ex as part of the settlement last month. This month she asked me to take my son for a 11 day stretch because she is going on a trip to Cuba. I'd love to go to Cuba too someday, and can now start saving for it without her frivolous spending affecting my finances. Ironically it is my prudence that enabled us to save for retirement in the first place. I'm not really jealous though, its her money to spend, I just wish for the sake of our child she was a little (a lot) more prudent too. Let her go have her fun, she is the one paying for it now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

sd212 said:


> Why isn't she being punished for what she has done to our family??!?!?!?!



Well, maybe her time hasn't come yet. If she cheated and has kept the relationship with her OM, then you have a 77% chance of finding her miserable and cheating again--or being cheated on--in a few years. Maybe that will cheer you up! 


OR, maybe she does not deserve to be punished. Maybe she actually did the right thing by ending the marrage. Maybe you were a bigger part of the problem than you want to acknowledge. Maybe your role in the family was what hurt the family. No one wants to admit their part when a spouse has cheated--but it's the only way to get past the kind of anger and pain you are feeling now. You don't have to forgive her for cheating, but you could accept that you were an awful husband--if that was the case. 

I don't know you from Adam and I'm not saying any of the latter part is true, do don't get your panties in a bunch. It's just food for thought.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It could be that you just THINK her life is going so well and your life is terrible.

So you're projecting your feelings about feeling down/bad about yourself and heightening hers to the way you perceive it.

Could be she's having a tough tim eand just talking things up to make you feel bad. Ya never know.

DO YOU.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> I signed over the retirement savings (what little there were) to my ex as part of the settlement last month. This month she asked me to take my son for a 11 day stretch because she is going on a trip to Cuba. I'd love to go to Cuba too someday, and can now start saving for it without her frivolous spending affecting my finances. Ironically it is my prudence that enabled us to save for retirement in the first place. I'm not really jealous though, its her money to spend, I just wish for the sake of our child she was a little (a lot) more prudent too. Let her go have her fun, she is the one paying for it now.


my H, despite earning substantially less than me throughout our entire marriage and yet spending like he earned more, is getting £75k out of me for his 'half' of the equity in our house

he's very lucky I am who I am and feel the way that I do 

but I know it's not going to last him very long - won't be my problem though!

I'm the one who managed the money, we'd be bankrupt if it wasn't for my ruthless management of the finances ha ha

but all I did was nag him about spending apparently (yeah cos i was earning it and you were spending it on yourself)


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Don't give her any more emotional support. She doesn't deserve good advice from you. Be cold, curt, and distant to her.

She will suffer eventually. Divorce is gut wrenching. It just may take her a little longer to realize what she did to her life.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

sd212 said:


> My stbxw called me today to tell me a story about something great that happened to her today. Shared it w/ me b/c it was something she did based on advice I had given her.
> 
> WHY does it keep getting better for her and I still suffer through every day?
> 
> NOT FAIR!!!!!!! She ruins my life and her's just keeps getting better and better. Why isn't she being punished for what she has done to our family??!?!?!?!


Let's focus on the important things first. She called you!:smthumbup: She contacted you just to say she appreciated what you did for her and how she's doing "just great!", but I am guessing offered little or nothing in return. 

The only reason your stbxw is telling you about all the good things that are happening without you is because she's missing you and testing you to see whether or not you will try to invest in her more when you have been pulling away. This would be just like you telling a new gf all the fun things you did to get her excited about you and wanting to know more. 

Odds are everything isn't going to good for her or else she wouldn't be trying to make you jealous like this. If her life was as perfect as she made it seem you would only hear about her achievements from friends and more than likely, you'd be the one calling her and asking how her life is. At that point you'd be lucky if she clued you in at all instead of tossing you crumbs and ignoring you questions.

Take her little tests as a good signs and don't fall into her traps that have you chasing. Instead of obsessing about what she could be doing, you be the one she wonders about and wants to know more about the fun life you clue her into to.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Well, maybe her time hasn't come yet. If she cheated and has kept the relationship with her OM, then you have a 77% chance of finding her miserable and cheating again--or being cheated on--in a few years. Maybe that will cheer you up!
> 
> 
> OR, maybe she does not deserve to be punished. Maybe she actually did the right thing by ending the marrage. Maybe you were a bigger part of the problem than you want to acknowledge. Maybe your role in the family was what hurt the family. No one wants to admit their part when a spouse has cheated--but it's the only way to get past the kind of anger and pain you are feeling now. You don't have to forgive her for cheating, but you could accept that you were an awful husband--if that was the case.
> ...


Sorry, I can't let this one go. I accept that I wasn't her soul mate or whatever garbage she is dreaming for but she would be the first to tell you that I was an incredible husband and father. She has cried on my shoulder about how guilty she feels for doing this to me and what an incredible man I am. I appreciate your candor and there are certainly things I didn't realize I wasn't fulfilling in her but our marriage should not have ended. She plain and simple went out and fell head over heals for someone. She's in selfish mode.

OK, got that off my chest.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

As always, this thread has helped tremendously. My children are first but I have got to figure a way to think of ME. I'm really understanding that she hasn't had any reason to miss me b/c I've been there all along. Now that I accept that she is really GONE, I will be working on making me happy. 

I really like the ideas you have all put out there but especially that maybe just maybe she is not as happy as she seems. That is helpful. It is also helpful to know that you have all seen this for exactly what it is and get it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sd212 said:


> I really like the ideas you have all put out there but especially that maybe just maybe she is not as happy as she seems. That is helpful. It is also helpful to know that you have all seen this for exactly what it is and get it.


No wayward is truly happy. Your wife has to go to sleep knowing what she did to you and what she walked away from. She must live with the knowledge that she is a coward and a cheat. It will slowly poison her soul.

You can sleep soundly knowing you did everything you could do to keep the family intact. You will leave this world knowing you took the high road, did the right things, and stood by your beliefs.... even if nobody else knows that or believes it. 

One day the aliens will drop your wife's brain back off into her body and she will wake up and realize the devastation she has wrought on herself and her life. 

Your children will grow up knowing their mother is a cheat and a liar. She will know they know, and her relationship with them will be tainted forever.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No wayward is truly happy. Your wife has to go to sleep knowing what she did to you and what she walked away from. She must live with the knowledge that she is a coward and a cheat. It will slowly poison her soul.
> 
> You can sleep soundly knowing you did everything you could do to keep the family intact. You will leave this world knowing you took the high road, did the right things, and stood by your beliefs.... even if nobody else knows that or believes it.
> 
> ...


God we are lucky to have you bandit!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> No wayward is truly happy. Your wife has to go to sleep knowing what she did to you and what she walked away from. She must live with the knowledge that she is a coward and a cheat. It will slowly poison her soul.
> 
> You can sleep soundly knowing you did everything you could do to keep the family intact. You will leave this world knowing you took the high road, did the right things, and stood by your beliefs.... even if nobody else knows that or believes it.
> 
> ...


Or this may never happen. No offense but many waywards and BS alike go on to be even happier with their lives. Thing is, they must both move on and accept the past is
over. Bitterness ain't the way to get to happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Or this may never happen. No offense but many waywards and BS alike go on to be even happier with their lives. Thing is, they must both move on and accept the past is
> over. Bitterness ain't the way to get to happiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only the truly soulless, narcissistic ones. And in the end their lives don't matter anyway, because they have lived in utter selfishness and have neither given or added anything to the world.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No wayward is truly happy. Your wife has to go to sleep knowing what she did to you and what she walked away from. She must live with the knowledge that she is a coward and a cheat. It will slowly poison her soul.
> 
> You can sleep soundly knowing you did everything you could do to keep the family intact. You will leave this world knowing you took the high road, did the right things, and stood by your beliefs.... even if nobody else knows that or believes it.
> 
> ...


All of this is very helpful w/ moving on! It makes it much easier to smile and sleep from the BS perspective, thanks Bandit.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Concentrate on your dreams and how to bring them about. It is not only more productive but much more healthier in the long run.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Inspiration - your turn will come.
Johnny Cash with Hank Williams Jr. - That Old Wheel - YouTube


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Only the truly soulless, narcissistic ones. And* in the end their lives don't matter anyway, because they have lived in utter selfishness and have neither given or added anything to the world*.


Eh. This is the exact opposite of the attitude you should have, OP. Reason being is because it's like what they say about resentment--being resentful is like taking poison for yourself and waiting for the other person to die. 

Focus on the fact that you deserve better and ti's over. Don't poison your mind w/ never-ending negative thoughts about her. That doesn't mean you have to hold her in a saintly light, it just means you accept it's over and move on with your life. 



morituri said:


> Concentrate on your dreams and how to bring them about. It is not only *more productive but much more healthier *in the long run.


This is what I was trying to say but Mori articulated it much better (and more concisely). Hi, Mori!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If life is short and it can end at any moment, then why waste precious time and energy on negative things and people? Happiness is our responsibility and no one else's. Work on yours and forget about your stbxw.



Jellybeans said:


> Hi, Mori!


Hi Jelly!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Only the truly soulless, narcissistic ones. And in the end their lives don't matter anyway, because they have lived in utter selfishness and have neither given or added anything to the world.


Describes my ex very well. She's not all bad, but there is no much that made sense when I read the following article... essentially, this *IS *my ex:

Narcissistic Personality


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