# Can't you just hold me.



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I'am not good at writing want I want to say with the least amount of words, But I will try. I need advise on how to deal with this.
Ok Married many yrs. and a good marriage except the very little sex, But a lot of love. Sex has always been a battle, she is rather low low desire. I have always stood my ground with my needs and fought for what's fair.
Now we have a new problem. Her father is dying and she is not dealing with it at all. Totally depressed, Hate's life, She is really taking the slow death bad.
So needless to say their is no sex available in our home. She is not in the mood at all. But she still wants to cuddle,Be held, which I understand. Ea day I am getting a little more pissed off. But I try so hard to be their for you. What do I do give up my needs and wants sexually for 8-10 months because someone is drying. Its like one side of me says Dude let it be, She's in pain. Then the other side says what about me. Why do I have to live like this. I have already spent many yrs. with a LD wife and now its hit rock bottom. And I have to be ok with it all. I know the wrong thing is to stand up for myself under these condition. But its very hard to live like this. Tired of dealing with Can't you just hold me. No I can't I got a German Helmet is really to explode. What is one to do ???


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I call bull crap on her.

Sorry. But I think she is using it as an excuse. Yes you can be sad if a family member is dying. I can see not wanting to have sex for a week or two... But really. 10 months....


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

If it keeps up I think she'll be mourning the death of a marriage as well.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You don't sound like you love her anymore so why not just leave her? Or would you rather stay and blame all you unhappiness on her instead of on yourself for staying? It is your choice. She had made it clear she doesn't wasn't you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You need to have a serious discussion about your marriage with her.

Tell her that a sexless marriage is not an option.

If she cannot see your point or tries to drag in her dad's illness, then cut short the discussion.

And pursue divorce.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

I can never understand how couples could go without.....now. When I was younger, I never understood the importance/need for it.
Now that I'm older, I realize it's one of the best ways to reconnect with my man. To me, nothing is more exciting than being able to do something that no one else can do for him.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Her father dying is a crap excuse. What will happen when he actually dies? 10 months is waaaay too long to be sad and never in the mood for sex. 

Have you considered that she is depressed? Have you suggested her seeing a therapist or you two seeing a couples therapist? 

If so, then sit her down and tell her that you cannot be in a sexless marriage and if she doesnt change, you will file for divorce. 

Most importantly, are you still in love with her and do you want this marriage to work out? If not, then what are you still doing with her?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You don't sound like you love her anymore so why not just leave her? Or would you rather stay and blame all you unhappiness on her instead of on yourself for staying? It is your choice. She had made it clear she doesn't wasn't you.


She's made it clear she doesn't want him SEXUALLY. If she's asking to be held/cuddled, it's probably an indication she does have emotions for him.

OP, you said that you think it's the wrong thing to stand up for yourself in this situation. That is incorrect. You NEED to stand up for yourself. Doing otherwise will be doing yourself and your wife a disservice. Bottling this up until your anger bubbles over is not the answer.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Now we have a new problem. Her father is dying and she is not dealing with it at all. Totally depressed, Hate's life, She is really taking the slow death bad.


Maybe it's time for her to get some help and treatment for depression. 

I'm not saying it will solve the sexual issues between you, but her depression certainly isn't going to improve the sexual issues you already have.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> You don't sound like you love her anymore so why not just leave her? Or would you rather stay and blame all you unhappiness on her instead of on yourself for staying? It is your choice. She had made it clear she doesn't wasn't you.


Nice advice, You seem a bit bitter ???


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sexless totally is unacceptable. Explain to her they you are emotionally supporting her with the hugs and cuddles you just need some of that returned in the way of sex. I don't relaly know if that will do ya any good but at least if A year from now you're divorcing and she is asking why she will have had the information


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

True Fozzy...but he doesn't care that she wants affection and emotional support...without sexual desire those things don't fulfill him. If she also wanted him sexually I'm sure he'd love to support her emotionally. But he knows she doesn't want him that way and he sounds totally not in love with her. That's what happens usually, we see it all the time. 

My point is that when things are that far gone, if you stay knowing they don't want you, then that choice is on you.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks for the feed back. Some mistook the 8-10 as thats how long its been. I was looking ahead. My problem is if I have to say so my self I 'am a nice guy and love my wife very much. I know she is hurting alot. Under these conditions Its like do I give her a hall pass or keep putting out the effort for myself. I myself feel even though its been rough all these yrs. Its hard to push myself onto her now. But on the other hand who knows how long this could go on.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

You know lady I came here for help and advise. Why are you so bitter and shooting bullets at me. I do love my wife. I have held and cuddle her. I am willing to put my desires aside. so why don't you put your six shooter away ???? If I was married to a rattlesnake the choice would be easier to make. Or someone with a sharp tongue.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

FW's advice can come off a bit harsh sometimes, but there's often a lot of truth to it. That said, I'd suggest that while you SHOULD keep divorce on the table as an option, you should absolutely stand up for your needs first before going that direction. Make your feelings crystal clear to her first and have an honest and direct conversation about it. Maybe several conversations. 

I'd also suggest a book--No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It will help put things in perspective about why keeping your feelings about this bottled up is ultimately going to come back to bite you both.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For the record, I'm not the only one who suggested leaving her.

You didn't say you loved her at all so I can only go off what you said (or didn't say). It sounded to me like you are the bitter one and who wants to be married to that?

Hey if I'm wrong and you love her and can work this out I will be happy for you. What you've said so far doesn't seem like a happy ending.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Just Wondering said:


> Thanks for the feed back. Some mistook the 8-10 as thats how long its been. I was looking ahead. My problem is if I have to say so my self I 'am a nice guy and love my wife very much. I know she is hurting alot. Under these conditions Its like do I give her a hall pass or keep putting out the effort for myself. I myself feel even though its been rough all these yrs. Its hard to push myself onto her now. But on the other hand who knows how long this could go on.


How long has it been? It sounds like she is depressed. I really don't think there is anything you can do about the situation besides talking to her about the situation. I agree it's not fair for you to have to go months without sex because of how she feels about her Dad dying. It sounds like you have a loving marriage otherwise so just hang in there and support her, if all she wants to do is be held, that's what you do. 

My Mom recently passed after a long illness and I really love that my husband was there for me when I wanted to be held or just felt like crying on his shoulder. It didn't affect our sex life but death effects everyone differently.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> How long has it been? It sounds like she is depressed. I really don't think there is anything you can do about the situation besides talking to her about the situation. I agree it's not fair for you to have to go months without sex because of how she feels about her Dad dying. It sounds like you have a loving marriage otherwise so just hang in there and support her, if all she wants to do is be held, that's what you do.
> 
> My Mom recently passed after a long illness and I really love that my husband was there for me when I wanted to be held or just felt like crying on his shoulder. It didn't affect our sex life but death effects everyone differently.



I agree with this post so much.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Maybe I missed something but I got the feeling that you loved your wife, the fact that she needs you to hold/cuddle her and support her makes me think that she loves you too.

You should be patient with her. 

You should express how you are missing making love with her, but I wouldn't put added stress on her.

I wouldn't be thinking divorce just yet?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A hall pass would depend on OP wife's emotional closeness to her father and the amount of effort she is putting with him in his last days.

It's not as simple as that. Dittos on the depression idea, she may be into depression territory also.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can't you just **** me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

I agree with some on here that your wife is probably depressed and needs meds and counselling. Trust me when I tell you that untreated depression kills marriages, it may have killed mine as I split with my wife about 3 weeks ago and I just hope she can overcome her resentment towards me and "us" for the sake of our 4 kids.

My depression started with loss as well about 14 years ago when I suffered a bad lower back injury and then about 13 years ago our first born was born with Cri-Du-Chat Sydrome, about 7 years ago I injured my back again and had to stop work altogether and about 3 years ago I lost both my parents. Each time after each event I've suffered depression and the last time I just couldn't seam to get it together, now I could have lost my wife altogether and my kids 50% of the time, my story is common and your wife needs help and you may have to threaten to divorce and even have her served to get her to seek treatment.

Whatever happens I wish you luck.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yesterday I thought some of it was good and some bad. I think today its all good and I need to listen to all of it. I really had a bad dream that the whole thing about her Dad was B.S. And the whole problem really was me. And I have been a fool for it. Such a nice Guy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why do people keep saying that his wife is depressed? Whether she is, or not, the father dying isn't the reason the sex life is suffering.

He clearly states in the OP:

"Ok *Married many yrs*. and a good marriage *except the very little sex*, But a lot of love. *Sex has always been a battle*, she is rather *low low desire*. I have always *stood my ground with my needs* and fought for what's fair. Now we have a new problem."

The dad dying is sad, but irrelevant. The OP calls it a new problem, but it is not. 

The wife doesn't desire sex, or sex with him, often.
She never has.
She likely never will.

This is a classid LD/HD situation that's been playing out across the "many years" they've been married.

Not sure why the OP would expect the woman's father dying to add, or detract, from an already pre existing problem. 

Sounds like business as usual.

So the real question is, why now OP? Why now, while her father is dying, are you fed up? What changed to make you reach this breaking point after so many years?

Again, from your wife's perspective it's business as usual. Because it is. You've put up with it all these years, despite "fighting".

So why, from her POV, should things change now?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

my wife is LD. She knows it is a huge problem for me. Yet she still expects that I will give her all of the emotional support, cuddling, etc. 

Your wife expects you to be there for her in the way she needs, but she is never there for you in the way you need.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> my wife is LD. She knows it is a huge problem for me. Yet she still expects that I will give her all of the emotional support, cuddling, etc.
> 
> Your wife expects you to be there for her in the way she needs, but she is never there for you in the way you need.



The thing is, when you feed the beast it grows. And the op has been feeding a very long time.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I put it to my wife this way...

I love NON-SEXUAL intimacy with you. I enjoy it, maybe not as much as you, but I do enjoy it. Except when there's no SEXUAL intimacy. Then, when I hold your body next to mine, smell your hair, feel your warmth, I have sexual urges with no immediate or near-term release. So while you're enjoying the non-sexual intimacy, I'm walking around with a steel rod in my pants for the next couple of days.

Yes, I'll hold you. Yes, we can have non-sexual intimacy. But yes, we need sexual intimacy, too. It isn't a one-way street.


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