# No sexual chemistry



## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

We have been married for almost 15 years and I love her. We have four great kids together but have never had any sexual chemistry. She is grossed out by kissing, sweat, and just about everything else having to do with sex. She offers it regularly enough because she know I have a need but the sex is terrible, its the same every time and she just lays there. I have read so many books and asked her so many questions trying to fix this. She has no sexual fantasies, is not sexually attracted to me or anyone else(we both think she may be asexual). She is very pretty but I find I am no longer sexually attracted to her because I realize there is absolutely nothing sexual about her. We are good friends and partners but this is a really big need in my life and I don't know if there is anything I can do to make this any better. I love her and my kids to much to ever leave over this. HELP!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what was the state of sexual chemistry while dating and early marriage?

How was intimacy early on?


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

We were both raised in very strict religious homes. We had no sex before marriage. The sex has always been bad.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

here are your options then as i see them;

1. live with it, do the best you can. some intimacy and sex is better than none. remember, many people have none.

2. divorce and look for a livelier mate. i'm not recommending this necessarily, just reminding you what you already know.

3. sex therapist.

she sounds like a loving woman who just can't get her juices flowing. a sex therapist may help that.
that's the only realistic option. other types of councilors, religious or secular will only tell her what she already knows.

btw, I lived in a sexless marriage, although not as long as you. I personally didn't find it that bad after i gave up trying.
i'm not a high drive person however, and i lived as a single bachelor for years, so i just lived my bachelor life style with a room mate that would cuddle, kiss and occasionally make out.

good luck to you and best wishes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Isthisall said:


> She is grossed out by kissing, sweat, and just about everything else having to do with sex. She offers it regularly enough because she know I have a need but the sex is terrible ...
> 
> I love her and my kids to much to ever leave over this. HELP!


I think you have answered your own question. Stay and suck it up. You love a woman who doesn't like sex. She tolerates it, and you aren't feeling fulfilled with her non-performance as a partner.

I don't mean to sound crass, but perhaps you should take up a hobby, or a number of hobbies to occupy your time and energy. 

Even with your strict upbringing, didn't you two ever neck or grope even a little? That probably would have given you some indication as what her future response would be ...


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.



No. Only true if both couples agree. If not, then it's just pure selfishness.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You both come from religious backgrounds. I would bet a dollar that "chemistry" is not your issue but her view on sex. I would guess that she views she is doing her marital duty to you and God by having it, and that is where her responsibility ends. If I had to guess, it is not even on her radar to have it be anything else. Before attempting to change her body or her responses, she has to have a change of mind and or heart. How one goes about I can say I have no idea.

I was Catholic when we married though we had lived together, and he was not my first partner. Despite moving, at that time, to rid myself of the many shackles of faith in many areas of life (as I saw/see it, not a condemnation by any means), there were a lot of feelings, far mostly, that prohibited me from being sexually open. It was hard for him to combat, even with an engaged wife. He was endlessly patient. But not so patient as to make the issue one that could withstand the status quo. I cannot describe it better than that. I don't think my experience will be of much help because I was already well on my way to rejecting the teachings of my upbringing. But the feelings that are ingrained from you from childhood are hard to shed. And we were young and recently married.

Good luck.

S


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You said you've done some reading. If you haven't already I recommend that you BOTH read, "His Needs, Her Needs and "The Five Love Languages."

Work on getting "hotter." Hit the gym to get in shape. Also improve your appearance ie: clothes, hair, and hygiene. Get busy with some manly hobbies. Don't want to be a lump on a log watching tv or surfing internet all day.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> here are your options then as i see them;
> 
> 1. live with it, do the best you can. some intimacy and sex is better than none. remember, many people have none.
> 
> ...


4. Hall Pass.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Isthisall said:


> We were both raised in very strict religious homes. We had no sex before marriage. The sex has always been bad.


And yet another case of religiously based abstinence that, at best masks possible sexual dysfunction, at worst causes sexual dysfunction.

Is it safe to assume that you are giving your wife all that she needs in order to respond sexually? 
Do you flirt with her? 
Show nonsexual affection regularly and not just when you want to have sex? 
Do you spend alone time with her regularly? 
Do you have conversations with her that have nothing to do with work, kids, home, or extended family? 
Do you regularly have recreational fun with JUST her?
Do you romance her? Court her? Surprise her?
Does she orgasm with you during sex? Are you SURE?
Does she masturbate, ever?
Is she comfortable talking about sex with you?
Does she have any shame about sex, have body image problems, insist that the lights be off every time?

I'm sorry for your trouble but this is the gamble you take when go to your wedding night a virgin. Sex is far too important to the vast majority of people to gamble that it will turn out okay.

Go to your religious leader and explain that your married sex life is dysfunctional and your marriage needs immediate sex therapy in order to be saved. Since it was their teaching and rules that lead to this latent state of asexuality it should be their teaching that leads your marriage out of this state.

Ha, like that will work!

Find a sex therapist and make the appointment. Tell your wife you love her and want to stay with her but the lack of passion, lack of sexual response is destroying your desire for her and you fear that it may also make you vulnerable to behaving in an unchristian way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


Says the woman who's husband had an affair.....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


Friendship is pretty great. That's why I have _friends_.

A spouse, however, is more than a friend. Or should be, anyway.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


Sex is the only real thing that distinguishes a marriage/ couple arrangement and friendship. If sex is off the table then no need for a marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Isthisall said:


> We were both raised in very strict religious homes. We had no sex before marriage. The sex has always been bad.


Becoming more and more convinced that people need to test the sexual waters before getting married. Let me guess the same religious convictions won't allow you to divorce either? You may have been trapped sir.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there are probably sex therapists out there with a christian world view.
if there are any in your area (do some research), seek them out.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
the importance of sex depends on the person. If both people are happy with no sex, then you can have a good relationship. If sex is important to one and not the other, you are set up for a lifetime of misery. 




helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

jsmart said:


> You said you've done some reading. If you haven't already I recommend that you BOTH read, "His Needs, Her Needs and "The Five Love Languages."
> 
> Work on getting "hotter." Hit the gym to get in shape. Also improve your appearance ie: clothes, hair, and hygiene. Get busy with some manly hobbies. Don't want to be a lump on a log watching tv or surfing internet all day.


I have read both of those books. In the past year I have totally changed my eating habits, lift weights 3 times a week, play basketball 2-3 times a week, have lost 30 lbs of fat, gained 15-20 lbs of muscle and totally changed how I dress. I am very active. Don't watch a lot of tv.


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## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

I am going to go out on a limb here but maybe things are just not being done right. For example, my husband of over 18 years (4 kids, too) was not very good at oral sex so I didn't really like it because I would just end up frustrated. I never told him this but I guess he could tell. He watched some show one night when I was asleep. The next time he performed oral sex, I thought he had cheated on me (and learned new things) because he was a totally different lover in every way. Not just the oral. I have no idea what this show was but it worked. This was about five years, ago. We come from a religious back ground as well.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

I have read more books than I can count. Checked out many instructional videos and tried everything I could think of and learn about. Nothing has any better effect.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> And yet another case of religiously based abstinence that, at best masks possible sexual dysfunction, at worst causes sexual dysfunction.
> 
> Is it safe to assume that you are giving your wife all that she needs in order to respond sexually?
> Do you flirt with her? yes
> ...


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## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

I went on testosterone and other hormone therapy. That helped. My four kids are mentally exhausting. I can't believe you all made it this long and there has never been sexual chemistry. Maybe, it has just been a really long time before there has been any. A OB/ GYN doc I was talking to said that studies show sex decreases after the first child and picks up, again, after the last leaves home. Raising kids takes all that most women have to give. Some weeks, I make sex a priority but others I just make sure he gets it every three days. Are you expecting too much? It is not always going to be mind blowing sex.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

helenbean said:


> Sex is overrated. There are lots of couples out there that are happy that don't have sex that often. Friendship is more important than sex.


Not if he has sexual needs that aren't being met. That only causes anger and frustration.


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