# VERY hostile divorce is taking forever & making me miserable



## Kyrie_eleison (Feb 11, 2014)

Backstory: this is my second marriage. I married my high school sweetheart at 19. We had 10 wonderful years and 2 great kids together before my husband was killed in a dwi-related accident. I remarried 2 yrs later to a widowed man I met at a grief support group. We were together and I thought happy until 2007 when out of the blue he simply moved out on me and my kids. Within a matter of weeks I found out he had moved in with another woman who he had apparently been seeing for some time. I was able to convince him to go to counseling and for a while we seemed to be working things out and he actually moved back home. Then in the summer of 2010 he moved out again and back in with the same woman as before. Since that day I have not seen him outside of court. We only communicate via phone and text and his communications with me have become progressively nastier as time goes on. Despite the fact that he is the one who cheated and moved out both times, he has acted all along like everything that has happened is my fault. He says I never really loved him and never got over my late husband and while I will admit that may be partially true it doesn't justify the way he has treated me. We are also only legally separated at this point. I started divorce proceedings in late 2011 when it became obvious he wasn't going to do so. He went out and got himself a high power divorce lawyer and they have done everything possible to hold up the divorce being final. I'm still close friends with his mother and she says it's because he's a control freak and can't stand the idea of not having me under his thumb anymore and stalling the divorce keeps me legally tied to him. Oh and just an interesting side note is that his first wife committed suicide which I never found out until after we were married. Apparently she suffered from severe depression due to extreme emotional abuse on his part. Which was not something that was a factor in my relationship with him until after he moved out the second time.

I'm so sick of it! I'm trying to keep raising my kids on a fairly low income I never had to work outside the home until after he left so I can't really get a decent job. He never adopted my kids and used that to talk his way out of paying child support. I do have some money from a settlement from the accident that killed my first husband but I have been trying to save as much of that as I can to put my kids through college. If I could afford to hire a lawyer to fight dirty the way he has I could probably put an end to this. But when you make less than $2000 a month it's hard to fight someone who makes that much in a week.

But my biggest issue is that I am so lonely! I am almost 45 and I feel like if this situation doesn't resolve itself soon I am going to end up alone - although still legally married - for the rest of my life! And it's making me miserable because I enjoy being married, having someone to do things with and for, and I've also always had a fairly high sex drive so having gone without for almost 4 years now has been hard for me. It drives me crazy that he is happily playing house with this other woman all this time while I've had to deal with raising the kids alone without any companionship at all. There have been times lately when I've seriously considered saying the heck with it and finding a nice guy who cares about me enough to be willing to get involved despite the circumstances .

I don't really know that I'm looking for advice I just really needed to vent in a forum where it seems like there are people who would understand. Although I would welcome advice from anyone who has succeeded getting their divorce finalized despite their spouse doing everything possible to prevent it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Your husband is an abusive jerk.

Is he paying any spousal support while the divorce is pending? If not, do you know if you are entitled to it?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

First and foremost you need to hire an attorney. You need to have someone in your corner who understands the laws and what he can or cant do. His lawyer has probably gotten delays in the system because it was easy and you don’t fully understand the laws. Heck even the lawyers have a hard time understanding them sometimes. 

Your WS views you as defenseless because you are right now, he is a control freak and you have let him keep the control. Quit communicating with him. You aren’t getting the divorce done any faster by doing so and its just giving him reasons to hurt you. If you need to discuss something, call his lawyer, let his lawyer handle his client and address matters. The lawyer will be more than happy to do this because its easy billing for him. Just break off the contact with him. 

Whether you have to dip into your savings or whatever to hire a lawyer you should, you aren’t getting anywhere now and the price will be worth it in the end for your own peace of mind. You don’t have children together so he is “out” child support so it should be a pretty straightforward divorce so either he has a large asset he doesn’t want to split or you have been married long enough to collect alimony but something else is more than likely holding up the show. If its truly a matter of him making your life miserable, you need to change the game, break off all contact except via the lawyer. As long as he is having his enjoyment and its not costing him too much it will just continue. 

Change the rules of the game and make it less fun for him. He has no incentive to end it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

In my state, temporary orders (support) go all the way back to the date you separated. So you could possibly get 4 years of back pay. You really need to consult with a lawyer.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

45 is still young. And as the marriage is truly over why not date a bit if you are so inclined? Sheesh after a four year separation I can't see why you can't date. 
Can you use paralegals in your state? 
Sorry you ended up with a control freak, it can happen to anyone. Interesting that his mom has him pegged as an abuser, it is so damn GOOD that you got away before he destroyed you like he did his first wife.


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## samwise182 (Feb 9, 2014)

it does seem pretty straight forward as far as the devorce,their aren't his kids so no child support I don't think.The best advise I know is to move on,let him do what he want,and seek a new companionship and have nothing else to do with him,i'm sure there are plenty of guys that would be very interested in you,it's not all about age for everyone,also it might be worth looking up marriage laws on line and see what you can learn there.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

indiecat said:


> 45 is still young. And as the marriage is truly over why not date a bit if you are so inclined? Sheesh after a four year separation I can't see why you can't date.
> Can you use paralegals in your state?
> Sorry you ended up with a control freak, it can happen to anyone. Interesting that his mom has him pegged as an abuser, it is so damn GOOD that you got away before he destroyed you like he did his first wife.


Yes!

Get a lawyer today.

And start to date...or at least expand your circle of friends. Stop letting him have so much control. The lawyer is the first step to taking it back. The next step is starting to love yourself again and reinventing your life. I know it is scary but it is doable and once you do...ooolala!

How old are your children? How are they doing with the situation?

Also, don't beat yourself up about your stbx. Widows with happy first marriages are very vulnerable. :hug:


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

I have to echo what the other folks are saying about hiring a lawyer. See if you can get recommendations from others and run your case by two or three; they may offer a free initial consult.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Kyrie_eleison said:


> He never adopted my kids and used that to talk his way out of paying child support.


It's not his responsibility to support children that are not his own.

That's the responsibility of their biological parents. 

It's obvious why this divorce is taking so long to settle. 

You need to be reasonable.


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## Kyrie_eleison (Feb 11, 2014)

Not sure why I am being unreasonable? I never fought him for child support after he decided he wasn't going to pay it. But since the kids had been his in all but name for half their lives seems like he would have wanted to make sure they were provided for. He certainly always acted like he loved them when we were still together. And it was his decision not to adopt them as I was willing to let him do so. As far as it being the duty of the biological parents to support them, their father died when he was only 29. I don't think many men that young think about having life insurance even if they should. And neither my late first husband nor my second husband wanted me to work outside the home so I never developed skills that would allow me to earn a decent income. Now the kids (twins) are 18 and heading off to college next fall it would have at least been nice if he had been willing to help out with the tuition for the kids he did help raise all these years! 

His mother thinks he is basically stalling the divorce to keep me legally tied to him - I can't remarry, I can't get a decent loan without his signature, he's deliberately destroyed my credit rating, plus as an only child I stand to inherit some property most likely within the next ten years and I'm pretty sure he's counting on getting a chunk of it if we stay married. I have asked him for almost nothing except for whatever spousal support the state will grant me I'm not even asking for a percentage of his fairly hefty financial assets. So he really has no financial reasons to keep on playing this game except to gain from my inheritance. But my dad has already said he is going to will his property to my kids instead of me if the divorce drags on much longer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Inheritance is a non-marital asset. No worries there. 



So what grounds did you file under? 

Is your index number and file still active with the court? It's been hanging out there a while is why I ask. 

Do you have any representation at all?

What sort of stalls have come up so far? Is it just hung in mediating the terms of settlement?

How long have you been married? I'm thinking since 2000 +/-?


As far as communication, move it to email or written R3 only. Radio silence. Look it up and use it where he is concerned. Get a Google Voice account(free). Set it up on your phone(free app). Send a letter to him, his attorney, etc. "My phone # has changed to xxx-xxx-xxxx. You can get one with a 315 area code and it'll look like any other cell number. Learn Google Voice. It will let you record the call. NY is one-party. If you're in the conversation you may record it without providing notice to anyone else. This is admissible. I've used it NY successfully. You can let his ramblings go to Voice Mail on Google Voice. You can screen and press 4 to record the live call. Etc.

Most important thing though is to drop emotion. This is a divorce and not counseling at this point. It's a business transaction. No bickering with him. Letters should be simple and detached. 



> STBX,
> 
> The following matter requires x, y, z.
> 
> STBXW


No "I think", no "I feel", no "I believe". You get the idea.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Get yourself a good attorney and file for spousal support and whatever else you can get. You can request that the court order your husband to pay your attorney's fees.


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## Kyrie_eleison (Feb 11, 2014)

Typed out a whole long reply to this and my phone deleted it. Will try again after supper.



Malpheous said:


> Inheritance is a non-marital asset. No worries there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Get a lawyer. ASAP. It's worth it to just get this over with. 
It's been so long, you deserve to just be done.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Kyrie_eleison said:


> as an only child I stand to inherit some property most likely within the next ten years and I'm pretty sure he's counting on getting a chunk of it if we stay married.


Put your mind to rest on THAT score. Anything you inherit is NOT a marital asset as long as you don't put it in a joint account.

If you inherit $500,000 and deposit it into a joint checking account, it becomes joint marital property. 

If you inherit $500,000 and deposit it in an account in YOUR NAME ONLY, it is your SOLE property and he cannot touch it (whether you're still married to him or not). Make sure you keep GOOD records of anything you inherit (including copies of checks so you can PROVE the amount of $$$ came from your parents' estate).

Now, HIRE a divorce attorney!


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## Kyrie_eleison (Feb 11, 2014)

What I stand to inherit is actually about $250,000 worth of farmland that has been in my family for 4 generations. I was told that he could force me to sell it. Was I told wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes you were most likely told wrong, which is why the attorney is the best money you will spend. As long as the asset stays as you inherited it, it cant be touched. Having it in your name things like that dont help. If land is the asset, as long as you dont put a loan on it, sell a portion things like that the asset stays exempt. The whole exempt becomes a very slippery slope when the asset is held for a long time because eventually marital assets are used to either maintain or pay taxes but that makes for a long discussion and is really isnt part of your issue.

That isnt why he is still staying married to you since your father could live for years yet or leave it to you children or anyone else he chooses. 

Right now your husband has no incentive to finalize the divorce, you need to start giving him incentive to do so. You have held your life up long enough. He is probably doing all this for some petty reason anyway like he promised the OW that he would marry her when the divorce was final and he doesnt want to.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Kyrie_eleison said:


> What I stand to inherit is actually about $250,000 worth of farmland that has been in my family for 4 generations. I was told that he could force me to sell it. Was I told wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Real property isn't marital in inheritance. If you sell it and deposit the money into a joint or marital account he would then be entitled to a portion. But you couldn't be forced to sell it. Don't hire that lawyer. Find a different one.


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