# Please Help - Should I Divorce?



## reachingforhappiness (Mar 22, 2010)

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have no idea what I should do or if my situation is typical in a new marriage:

I met my husband as a single mom, and within 6 months of dating we were engaged. He was wonderful to me and my daughter, and even now we still have so much love for each other.

The problem: Shortly after we became serious I discovered that he had lied to/deceived me about various things... saying his phone was broken when he really didn't pay the bill, saying he was a casual pot smoker when later I find out he, his family, and all of his friends are daily pot smokers, waiting until we applied for our apartment directly before marriage to tell me that he owed his landlord $1500 (which I had to pay from my savings so that he could get a good rental report), telling me that he wouldn't bring pot ANYWHERE near my daughter only to have my 4 y/o tell me that while I was gone he (while he was supposed to be watching her) and his buddy were in the backroom the whole time (which in the end he admitted they were getting high back there). The list goes on. He is 12 years older than me, has never had a stable life, always lived paycheck-to-paycheck by choice, dropped out of high school without a GED, only took low-paying jobs from family/friends, and admits that he has never had anyone to count on as his reason for lying or doing anything he feels necessary to preserve himself as he sees fit.

We have fought from the beginning of our marriage (known each other for 3 years, married almost 2), and have separated NUMEROUS times ranging from a few days to 3 months over last year's holidays. Each times he leaves he keeps his paychecks (our main income) and blows through it before coming back. I am about to graduate nursing school, and have always been driven, focused and I have a healthy respect for my credit ratings and reliability. He has zero motivation to do more than minimum (which is work only - I'm a full-time student and part-time employee, but he doesn't help me with housework or parenting unless I practically beg), and has a habitual, lifelong pattern of defaulting on bills and losing service (cell, cable, rent). He didn't even file for unemployment when he was paid off, making us pay rent late.

The last time we separated for 3 months (I told him I was fed up and wanted him gone), he came back begging for me, telling me that he realized what he had done wrong and that he wanted to be better for me and my daughter. He agreed to counseling and said that he would begin helping me pay our joint debt. [Since he doesn't care about financial responsibility, he had left me with about $13000 in debt to make payments on and didn't pay his car, in my name as cosigner, for a month - and he lost his auto insurance by nonpayment, again lying to me about keeping it.] I believed him, but during our reconciliation he never did pay a cent toward debt bills, and I found out he never paid his mother rent as agreed for living there meanwhile, which means he spent his entire paycheck every week while deceiving his mother and me (we thought he was paying the other one the whole time).

Fast-forward to now, the counselor suggested that I was controlling for not condoning pot use, and informed me that lies are normal. Maybe my standards for marriage are high, but I left and never went back. He not once backed me up during that session, but rather sat quietly while she chastised me for being so critical. I was devastated that he left me out to dry, and we fell back into our pattern of fighting. He moved out last week, and I have heard not a word from him since (he doesn't have a phone and I have no clue where he's staying).

Like I said, we still love each other as much as ever, and as when I married him I am still holding out for him to grow up and be a man, the husband I deserve. I love him with all my heart, but I realize that I suppressed my feeling for a long time and pretended it would get better. *Is this a pipe dream, thinking that he will care enough to step up?*

[I can't keep up this yo-yo pattern... It's destructive to me, but more importantly my 6 y/o daughter. She's not an idiot, and I am devastated that she now sees him leaving as commonplace.]


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## reachingforhappiness (Mar 22, 2010)

::Addition:: Another thing that has been a huge issue is that if things aren't perfectly peachy at home, he will stay out with his buddies all day/evening, leaving me home alone to sit and wonder what I'm doing in this marriage. He says that he would rather escape the source of a conflict, and doesn't see how much it hurts me that I'm left at home, ignored, even though I've told him how I feel about it many times.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

So if I understand this correctly, you married a man who is
- A habitual liar
- A deadbeat debtor
- A recreational drug user without self-control, maybe an addict
- Someone who openly uses drugs in the presence of your daughter
- Unmotivated to work or achieve much through work

And you are wondering if you should stay married to him.

I would suggest that you stay married if you honestly believe that this is what you deserve in your life.

If you want a child in an adult body to care for - one with keenly poor judgment, one who shirks responsibility for himself and others, one who may very well endanger your physical safety, to say nothing of your emotional condition - then definitely, stay married to him.

If you want to shackle yourself to someone who clearly sees you as his meal ticket and who will saddle you with additional debt, definitely stay married to him.

If you want to have some close-up time with Child Protective Services when some neighbor smells the pot and sees that you are at work while he's staying home "taking care of" your daughter, definitely stay married to him.

On the other hand, if you believe you deserve better, I would strongly recommend that you change the locks, see a lawyer, and file divorce papers at your earliest opportunity. You're not in love with this man - you're in love with an idea of what he could be IF HE CHANGES. Let me promise you in the clearest, and most uncertain terms - terms you are never going to hear from some namby-pamby "counselor" whose job is to generate revenue by having you return for thrice-weekly sessions forever - HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year. This man will absolutely, positively, without question go to his grave as an irresponsible, dishonest parasite who will suck the life out of the very marrow of your soul to live in his comforts.

If that's what you want, stay married to him. If you want a lifelong project at which you can never succeed, stay married. But if you have even a glimmer of life left in you, and if in some tiny corner of your heart you know you can do better - AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU DO, AND YOU CAN - then get the hell out, TODAY.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

It looks like a pattern to me. You two argue, he leaves, parties it up until his money is gone, then comes back. I'm sure you love him, but if he knows you're going to keep taking him back, he's going to keep doing it. He's not going to change until and unless HE really wants it. The bummer is that you can't make him want it.

I don't know what the deal with the counselor is. That just sounds messed up. You don't have to be a control freak to want to have some sort of stable household and marriage. You do have control over your own choices. So choose wisely for your future.

He's been gone for a week and you haven't heard from him. I really feel for what you've gone for this last week. It's scary, it's horrible. You're worried about how you're going to care for your child. You love him and miss him and your heart is breaking, if he would only come back, that pain would go away. The problem is, you're going to experience it again and again if you take him back.

You have a week under your belt. Go and seek help from local agencies for you and your daughter until you can support yourself. That's what those agencies are there for. File for separation if that would make you feel better than filing for divorce. I really think the only way your husband is going to wake up and appreciate you is if you don't take him back and he has to do it on his own.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Your situation sounds really depressing to me. Personally i think you are giving your all in a marriage that dont mean much to your husband. I understand that you really love him and maybe he does go hiding to clear his head but not telling you where he is or if his ok is just mind games. when he does come back to you put it straight how your fighting and arguments is making you feel and what effect it is having on your daughter. I dont thinkk you want your daughter to think that its ok to sit at home worried scared and confused whether your loved one is coming back or if their safe. Just think carefully about what you want dont rush into the temptation of divorce straight way think what this marriage means to you. Hope things work out for you good luck let us know how things are going


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it. Should you divorce? I think the answer is obvious. YES!!!

I'm wondering what kind of parent you are for exposing your child to this sort of environment. Let's see..an unstable home life with your husband and you separating constantly, having your husband and his friends using drugs in front of her, unstable financial situation, etc, etc..Yeah, this is just a WONDERFUL environment to expose your kid to  .And you are worried about what YOU SHOULD DO? How about your kid? Do you give a damn about her? 

Tell this loser to take a hike. You married him way too soon and the warning signs you did have before marrying him weren't enough to deter you. You are obviously a very needy person and need to take a good hard look at yourself. Get yourself some REAL counseling and get out of this marriage and focus on what matters most..Your child. You have a responsibility to her. Get your life in order and STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF and build a good life for you and your child. What the heck do you need this guy in your life destroying it for? Are YOU on drugs?

Good thing I don't know you are because I'd be calling child protective services for sure. This whole situation stinks like the pot your husband is smoking.


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## CristinaEvelinRoberts (Mar 23, 2010)

I don't know how old you are, you didn't say but you're trying to make a person that has chosen NOT to grow up and face his responsibilities into what a marriage needs.

Read your post again -- if one of your friends came to you and laid this out, what would your advice be?

You can't eat love, love doesn't pay the rent and since I HAVE been the main source of income in a marriage with a financially irresponsible m an, I assure you, you'll come to resent it.

As long as you're married to him, you'll have a low credit score. Lenders look at BOTH the credit reports, not just the one of the person that pays the bills.

You're already in 13 THOUSAND dollars worth of debt and he defaulted on a car loan, which affected YOUR credit. The counselor you went to is full of crap, pot smoking and lying should NOT be a part of daily life.

How much more of your life should you permit him to destroy? What about your child? Is this what you want your daughter to think is NORMAL?

There are rough spots in every marriage and people have different levels of tolerant. What you're describing is paying a man's way through life when he simply WON'T work, CHOOSES to smoke pot and in general contributes nothing positive to your marriage.

Looks like an easy choice to me.

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## reachingforhappiness (Mar 22, 2010)

Thank you for your sincerity and advice. Last night I found out, to my absolute shock, that he had been avidly looking for a sexual relationship with various gay men and transsexuals. He even met at least one. Now I realize that however hard I tried to make it work nothing could save us because he had other things on his mind. I'm going to get tested and I am DEFINITELY done with this disgusting stranger that I married.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

reachingforhappiness said:


> Thank you for your sincerity and advice. Last night I found out, to my absolute shock, that he had been avidly looking for a sexual relationship with various gay men and transsexuals. He even met at least one. Now I realize that however hard I tried to make it work nothing could save us because he had other things on his mind. I'm going to get tested and I am DEFINITELY done with this disgusting stranger that I married.


I am so sorry to hear this. This has to be just so agonizing.

On the other hand, now you know, and now you can begin the process of getting on with your life. Although I am sure you are in agony now, know that you will come out of this stronger than you ever imagined you could be. You won't just survive this - ultimately, you will thrive. And I say you will thrive in part because you will have gotten yourself through this awful moment.

I wish you well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to move on.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

reachingforhappiness said:


> Thank you for your sincerity and advice. Last night I found out, to my absolute shock, that he had been avidly looking for a sexual relationship with various gay men and transsexuals. He even met at least one. Now I realize that however hard I tried to make it work nothing could save us because he had other things on his mind. I'm going to get tested and I am DEFINITELY done with this disgusting stranger that I married.


Really sorry to hear that must have come as quite a big shock. Just think about your child now and have a happy life. Your husband must have kept his lil secret quite a long time. good luck to you


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

reachingforhappiness said:


> Thank you for your sincerity and advice. Last night I found out, to my absolute shock, that he had been avidly looking for a sexual relationship with various gay men and transsexuals. He even met at least one. Now I realize that however hard I tried to make it work nothing could save us because he had other things on his mind. I'm going to get tested and I am DEFINITELY done with this disgusting stranger that I married.


Damn, I hope you are changing the locks right now and making an appointment with a lawyer. What a piece of work this guy is!

We all make mistakes. It's the ability to recognize that and move on that fixes them. You can't change the past, only deal with the present and hope for the future. Maybe it took this kind of shock to bring you to reality and you'll do what needs to be done for you and your child.

Good luck and don't hesitate to go to the law for a restraining order if this guy gives you problems. Make sure you keep records of EVERYTHING this guy has done so that you can work with your lawyer to protect yourself and your child. You don't want your child growing up in the kind of environment your husband represents!


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