# Need Advice...What would you do?



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi...

I need some input from women AND men on this...please help.

Background: Been married for 17 years with 2 kids, 9 and 10. We get along but have a rollercoaster of "everythings good" intermixed with fighting and not talking to one another. We are currently in marriage counseling to help us communicate better and figure out why we keep fighting. PS when we fight, it is usually ME who is taking issue with my husband and not the other way around. 

About 5 years ago we bought a house after I we had a baby. In hindsight, we never should have tried to afford this house. I know my husband was under pressure to make the mortgage work etc. (I worked part time and raised our kids), but during this time I found out he was gambling to try and make money to pay the bills. During this same period he bought a house without telling me (we used to buy and rent out shore houses with a friend as a business), etc. We went through a really rough time and I kicked him out of the house for awhile. So long story short he has done several things in the past to break my trust in him.

I am still with him because A)we have two kids B)we have worked very hard on these issues and are continuing to work on them. 

Financially he is much more responsible and has not been gambling, etc. He has a great job, goes to work everyday (as do I) and we pay our bills. We have been pretty happy since we moved past the gambling, etc. and have been getting along pretty well. As I mentioned we are currently in marriage counseling. 

This past week, he came home late from work one night. Not really late, but about an hour. He mentioned something about taking someone out for a drink. We ate dinner and then later on that evening, I asked him about where he was. I asked "So a bunch of you went out for drinks after work?" and he said no, that he had taken out a co-worker because she helped him on a project at work. I said "so a few of you went out with the coworker?" and he said no, it was just him and the coworker (female) and that he had taken her out to thank her for helping him. 

I was quiet and left the room. He asked me later that night what was wrong, but I put off talking... The following morning I told him we needed to talk and went off on him. I told him that him taking a female coworker out for a drink to thank her was totally inappropriate and that if he thought it was appropriate that I was done with this relationship. He started to try and explain blah blah blah but I told him I didn't want to hear it.

Just need your opinion...

We are not talking and have another marriage counseling session this week. I am seriously thinking of a separation, but also worried about kids, etc.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... I can understand you being upset, and everyone has their limits. But it seems like an overreaction to be going directly to separation without trying to resolve it first. If you can get him on the same page regarding opposite sex friends, that would be a better way, I think. Work through the book "Not Just Friends" with him, and see if he "gets it". Bring it up in MC. 

All this is a moot point if you were just looking for a reason to get out... Which I wouldn't blame you for either. Just understand your reasons.

C


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Just a guys point of view here. If I had done anything inappropriate with a female co-worker I would have made sure you did not know the co-worker was female. Jane would have suddenly become John. Just from what you are saying he actually just took out a co-worker to say thanks for help on a project.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

If he was doinking her, he wouldn't have told you about her.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

PBear said:


> My thoughts... I can understand you being upset, and everyone has their limits. But it seems like an overreaction to be going directly to separation without trying to resolve it first. If you can get him on the same page regarding opposite sex friends, that would be a better way, I think. Work through the book "Not Just Friends" with him, and see if he "gets it". Bring it up in MC.
> 
> All this is a moot point if you were just looking for a reason to get out... Which I wouldn't blame you for either. Just understand your reasons.
> 
> C


Hi...Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, maybe separation an overreaction but I am just tired of the rollercoaster and the lack of concern from him for my feelings. But yes, maybe getting him on the same page regarding opposite sex friends would be something to think about. I have had to set boundaries with him before regarding this.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Cimerian said:


> Just a guys point of view here. If I had done anything inappropriate with a female co-worker I would have made sure you did not know the co-worker was female. Jane would have suddenly become John. Just from what you are saying he actually just took out a co-worker to say thanks for help on a project.


Thanks Cimerian for a guys point of view. And yes I understand he was being honest...I just have a problem with 45+ married man taking a female co-worker out for drinks (just the two of them) because she helped him. Buy her a starbucks gift card. If he was going out with a group of people for drinks that is different.

He has pushed the envelope before with other women.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Communication in your relationship sounds troubling.

1.) He should have at the very least told you he was taking a female co-worker out for a drink due to a work project
2.) You should not become silent and walk away when you hear about it
3.) You went off on him the next morning and blatantly dismissed anything he tried to say in response.

This sounds like another issue to be worked on.. and like the above said, I highly doubt he would have presented this co-worker to you as a female if he was in fact cheating/flirting. He would have said a guy co-worker or co-worker(s).. and then you'd have to beat it out of him. I know plenty of married men that take out their secretary or other female co-workers to one-on-one lunches or a drink for happy hour. 

I think there is unresolved issues stemming from this alone


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bluezone said:


> Thanks Cimerian for a guys point of view. And yes I understand he was being honest...I just have a problem with 45+ married man taking a female co-worker out for drinks (just the two of them) because she helped him. Buy her a starbucks gift card. If he was going out with a group of people for drinks that is different.
> 
> He has pushed the envelope before with other women.


Well then. If you've had this discussion before, it puts a different spin on things.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

"I have had to set boundaries with him before regarding this".

"He has pushed the envelope before with other women".

In my opinion, if you have had discussions before about boundaries and what you find to be appropriate, then your husband's behaviour is disrespectful. Casually mentioning drinks with a female co-worker to you after the event simply isn't good enough when he already knows it's going to matter to you. He is attempting to appear honest and open after the fact, whilst innocently looking at you and asking "what's wrong?".

I don't buy it. It's a manipulation and I can see why you're upset.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Pinkpetal. 

Although I don't think that he is necessarily cheating with the coworker, he certainly is NOT making his relationship with YOU a priority when he doesn't consult you or inform you that he's taking her for drinks/dinner/whatever. 

And that is the *real* issue, isn't it? 

There's something about your relationship that leads him to seek success elsewhere - through winning at gambling or getting attention and "help" from others. What he's doing isn't helpful to the relationship, obviously, but it's also important to understand what triggers that need and to do your own part in avoiding those triggers (as long as you reasonably can.)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your husband is NOT a trustworthy guy, and I could see how that might make it hard to respect him, much less trust him!

Instead of discussing financial issues so you can BOTH work on them, he took up gambling.

Instead of discussing financial issues so you can BOTH work on them, he single-handedly BOUGHT A HOUSE!

Although you've discussed boundaries (argued? fought?) regarding opposite sex friends in the past, he does it again.

Seems like he's got a history of making unilateral decisions that are disrespectful of you and your marriage (which SHOULD BE a PARTNERSHIP).

After 17+ years, doesn't seem like he's learned the 'partnership' lesson YET. Only you can decide what YOUR boundaries are and only you can enforce them. You might want to do some SHORT-TERM Individual Counseling to see what YOU want/need from a relationship and whether THIS relationship can become one that fulfills your needs. He needs to do the same for himself.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Pinkpetal said:


> "I have had to set boundaries with him before regarding this".
> 
> "He has pushed the envelope before with other women".
> 
> ...


PinkPetal thanks so much for your input. I think you are absolutely right in your observations. In fact the first thing he said to me when I brought up the discussion is "What did I do? What did I do?"


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> There's something about your relationship that leads him to seek success elsewhere - through winning at gambling or getting attention and "help" from others. What he's doing isn't helpful to the relationship, obviously, but it's also important to understand what triggers that need and to do your own part in avoiding those triggers (as long as you reasonably can.)


Good point...I will bring up with marriage counselor. Thanks so much.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Seems like he's got a history of making unilateral decisions that are disrespectful of you and your marriage (which SHOULD BE a PARTNERSHIP).
> 
> After 17+ years, doesn't seem like he's learned the 'partnership' lesson YET. Only you can decide what YOUR boundaries are and only you can enforce them. You might want to do some SHORT-TERM Individual Counseling to see what YOU want/need from a relationship and whether THIS relationship can become one that fulfills your needs. He needs to do the same for himself.


SlowlyGettingWiser excellent point...I think you hit the nail on the head. Thanks this is very helpful...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your original post seems to show that over 5 years ago, he did some bad things.

Now, a marriage will not survive if you are looking at the bad of the past. You either commit to your marriage or you don't. No one can change the past.

But your follow ups seem to say that he continues to be untrustworthy?

IF your husband is a bad person and untrustworthy (his character is bad), then you have a choice to stick it out for the kids or get a divorce. If you stick it out, then you are just trying to keep things as good as possible, but not have expectations of a "real" marriage. You can't counsel away bad character.

If your husband is a good person who made mistakes in the past, you have to treat him like he is a good person and do whatever you can to make him happy, and expect him to do the same back to you.

Is your husband's life better becuase you are his wife? Do you do things specifically designed to please him (not your kids or the house, but him)?

Certainly he made a mistake in taking out a girl for drinks. You made a mistake by blowing up at him. Your mistake matters to him just as his mistake matters to you.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your original post seems to show that over 5 years ago, he did some bad things.
> 
> Now, a marriage will not survive if you are looking at the bad of the past. You either commit to your marriage or you don't. No one can change the past.
> 
> ...


Hicks, thanks for the input. You make some good points and have given me food for thought. I know that the past is the past and I have moved forward from what happened 5 years ago. I have committed to the marriage, but what bothers me is that he continues to push my buttons despite the fact that we have discussed things like boundaries, etc. 

Are you telling me a 45+ year old married man doesn't know that they shouldn't be taking a female co-worker out alone for drinks? 

You are probably right in that I shouldn't have blown up at him, but again this is not the first time I have had to speak to him about inappropriate behavior. It has happened repeatedly. When do they "get it", or will he just never get it?

The problem I have is do I believe that he TRULY doesn't understand boundaries, etc. or is he totally aware and just does it anyway...knowing I'll be pissed but that eventually it will settle down as it has in the past? I find it hard to believe that he is completely ignorant of what he does when he does stuff like this. I think he is impulsive and deals with the consequences afterwards.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In part, I think you've nailed your own problem. Seems that you've laid out boundaries, but not enforced them. All that does is show him that your boundaries aren't really there. They're just general guidelines, which might keep the peace a bit better than not keeping them. 

My advice... Don't say anything you're not willing to back up. 

On the other hand, I do feel that men and women can be friends, and if he was up to something, you never would have heard about it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, there's an expression used when guys are shooting the sh1t...

It's easier to ask for foregiveness than to ask for permission. Seems your husband might be living by that one. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

PBear said:


> Btw, there's an expression used when guys are shooting the sh1t...
> 
> It's easier to ask for foregiveness than to ask for permission. Seems your husband might be living by that one.
> 
> ...


Never heard that one PBear but yup that's pretty much his standard MO.


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