# Another spouse doesn't want to work vent thread



## Varnsen (Mar 22, 2013)

So, first off I'm glad to have found this forum. I wrote a separation agreement this evening and some googling led me here, it was great reading other people's stories, advice and successes after facing that harsh reality.

I really tried to keep this brief but it was impossible - 

Separation agreement, back to that. My wife and I have been together (off and on) for almost 5 years, but we've been married less than a year. My wife is extremely gifted when it comes to children and has an arts background but money has come between us in more ways than one and it's disheartening. 

Without going into exhausting detail, wife was a nanny when we started dating making $80K but in less than a year, the family she was working for made changes and no longer needed her fulltime. Over the course of the next few years she worked for less and less money but the demands of her job (special needs children, stressful single parent situations) continually increased. She decided to go to school a couple times, one was for some general studies and more recently, training for EMR (emergency medical responder) while not working. This wrapped up in February with the accreditation and we got married in May. She was studying and preparing and we also bought a house around the same time so there was lots going on.

We purchased the house with the intention of her working and contributing roughly half of what I was contributing as I earn substantially more. This was a great arrangement as we'd both be pulling together for a financial and lifestyle goal (comfortable debt-free lifestyle with the house paid in under 10 years) that was achievable. I am the only one on the mortgage as her income and credit score would have been a hindrance as opposed to an asset for the sake of the interest rate and term. However her parents gave us a substantial amount of money for the down payment. We had asked for a modest loan for a smallish condo close to our downtown core but with their gift we ended up purchasing a larger house in the burbs. Very shortly after that, before we had even taken possession, I was approached for a new job and while the bonus structure was smaller, the base salary was a 65% increase so month to month cashflow was increased dramatically for me.

During the summer, I started to get concerned that wife wasn't actively looking for work, she claimed to continue to study and there was no practical required training which freaked her out. I'm still not sure why she didn't research this prior to the course but having that conversation led to fights so I stopped asking. When a friend of mine was able to leverage a relationship to tee up an interview in a more group oriented environment and she didn't even call, I grew really concerned. 

Meanwhile, the spending for the house was through the roof for the start of home ownership. I had no idea the crap someone needs to own with a house so things were expensive for a while but it was manageable with my salary bump. But paying the mortgage and all the bills was double what I paid at my old condo so the raise just sort of vanished.

While this was going on, wife was racking up credit card debt financing her life of not working. I busted a$$ the first few months of the new job putting the right team in place and I would often come home to a tipsy wife and a messy house. I'm not some 1950's guy who thinks women should be maids, but if you're not paying for ANY of the house bills and not working, I don't think its asking too much. 

Fast forward to Sept - she gets a job through a friend 3 days a week nannying. Great! I'm thinking, not what she wants to be doing per se, but a step in the right direction after not working for almost 10 months and hopefully a motivator to get moving on a new career path (she was complaining a lot about not having enough money). Plus she was planning on getting some volunteer time with local medical companies to get some of that practical experience that was missing. 

Unfortunately, absolutely nothing changed. I continue to pay all of the bills for the entire house, she pays her own bills. I am very grateful to say we have no debt together, everything is individual. I learned recently though that her credit cards are constantly over or at their limit every month and her car insurance got cancelled for non-payment from December. This has since been resolved but, again, it is a huge red flag that she didn't notice the financial trail through her bank account of charges, etc for months.

Anyway, with the many months that have gone by since with nary a job interview, resume blitz, any activity that would suggest focused progress on the career and contribution front I have reached my wits end. When I started my career I worked 3 jobs, whittled that down to 2 and then was able to focus and advance. When we first met each other I had only just started working a single job. I'm not trying to make my wife a clone of me, nor do I expect her to make us a million dollars. What I do expect is someone who cares about pushing themselves forward and contributing financially to the future and their home. I can't picture having kids with someone, especially a daughter if my wife can't lead with that example. Teaching the lesson of "marry well" isn't cool in my books.

I feel that there was a strong sense of entitlement in her because her parents gave us the down payment and that I had no reason to talk about her not contributing. I believe she sees the money that was spent on day to day items and had no clue what it really meant to pay a mortgage, property taxes, utilities, save for retirement, etc. I've offered to work 2 jobs and she freaked out at me and took it personally but no change. I offered for a stay at home mom situation (once debt was paid off, we do not have kids right now) and no change. I offered to have her be part of the budgeting process and she freaked out and started crying when she saw the numbers and amounts. I stopped engaging her like an adult about money and that just led to all sorts of weird dynamics and problems in our relationship.

... including in the bedroom. Even though she's very beautiful, I no longer found her attractive sexually and we replaced screwing with fighting....not a fun situation. 

All in, I kind of feel like a chump and generally a crappy husband for not identifying all of the warning signs before committing to our marriage in the first place. I'm now living in a house in the suburbs by myself with my potential ex-wife's parents money as its equity. My wife is still unable to support herself in terms of paying rent along with her other bills. Her family owns more property so she does have options, but I think that just enables all of this attitude. 

This wasn't meant to be a wife-bashing thread, I do love her dearly and hope she ends up doing something that is both rewarding and allows her to stand on her own 2 feet financially.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Varnsen:

Sorry it's going so poorly!

I think your wife is panicked over the cost of living situation. Hopefully, with a little education, she can get over the panic.

*Have you tried a book SPECIFICALLY FOR couples learning to budget?

Have you tried a financial manager JUST to help you two set up a workable plan?*

If your wife was TRULY a 'hard-worker' when you met (and it wasn't just YOU interpreting her in the best possible light with rose-colored glasses), then she has the potential to be a 'hard-worker' again! See! That's better already! She's not one now because (1) She burned out and wanted a break...it's been 10 months, she should be burned out on staying-home boredom. (2) She is regretting her vocational change or feeling not-up-to the challenge of a new career. Perhaps speaking with people in the business would help her. (3) She has some other undisclosed fear (that she'll be forced to continue working due to $$$ when you have a family, and she really wants to be a SAHM? Your reassurances apparently didn't work on that score.)

I think you need to set up a meeting with a financial manager. Speak to your wife calmly at a time when there is NOTHING else pending. Tell her, "Honey, I want us to go TOGETHER to see a financial manager so we can work together to decide how best to save, spend, invest our incomes so we can reach the goals you and I *BOTH* want...(kids/retirement/etc.) I know there's a lot we can both learn and when we BOTH agree on short- and long-term goals, I know it will be easier and much less stressful to stick to a plan that we've both agreed to."

Good luck to you both!


----------



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Just wanted to say that I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife blames me for "forcing" us to move back to our home city after we relocated for her job. That was eight years ago. She says she will never again find another job as good as the one she left and now it's my job to support her since it's my fault we moved home. We have evolved somewhat over time, she now admits she did not tell me what a great situation she had and did not work harder for us to stay in the new city, but it's still not resolved. I go back and forth from feeling encouraged that she is owning up to her choices, to disheartened that she has zero resilience skills and keeps wallowing in the past. At present, my situation is just like yours except for the moment at least, we are not estranged. Wife works very part time for very little money, pays small utility bills only when asked (never voluntary) and spends the rest on herself. I pay all of the major bills. I work two jobs and we are still hand to mouth. All the debt is in my name, the lease, the utilities, etc. Something will be changing within the next six months - I just don't know what or how. Glad you posted and let's stick together.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Varnsen said:


> So, first off I'm glad to have found this forum. I wrote a separation agreement this evening and some googling led me here, it was great reading other people's stories, advice and successes after facing that harsh reality.
> 
> I really tried to keep this brief but it was impossible -
> 
> ...


I think your mistake is havng separate finances. Can you imagine a company operating with two CFO's and different budgets?
My goals were a lot like yours, and buying a house is a great
start.You are absolutely correct. For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage. 

My wife probably earned about 1 year of my pay during the entire marriage...I fed and clothed, and kept a roof over our heads, and now provided for a comfortable retirement.....She has managed the household, and the finances, and done an outstanding job....

We are financially secure, have a comfortable home, several automobiles, an investment home, and a nice pleasure boat....
I could not have done this without her. She watched over our day to day expences with an eagle eye. I know she will get good value for every cent she spends, and can honestly say I have not even looked at a bank account book in years.....I trust her implicitly....

As for spending, she is free to buy anything she desires. In fact I have to encourage her to spend more on herself....She likes clothes, and dresses really nicely, but often buys from thrift shops.....

I would encourage you and your wife to pool your funds and start ovwer. She needs a reality check, and


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I think your mistake is havng separate finances. Can you imagine a company operating with two CFO's and different budgets?
> My goals were a lot like yours, and buying a house is a great
> start.You are absolutely correct. For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage.
> 
> ...


She needs to become a participating member in the financial infastructure of your marriage....

She dosn't feel entitled, she has just always been looked after, and wants to live like she did when she was at home with her parentsit it scares her to think that she is financially on her own, 
alone in the world except for you.

Make her a full partner in the financial life of your family. She has been living with her head in the sand for too long. It is your job to break it to her gently, and engage fully in your marriage.
She needs to see how her contribution helps the partnership, and the feeling of setting a goal, and working towards it.....

She is not a bad wife, just one that is out of touch with what it takes to make a marriage work..... 

The only alternative is divorce, and it may take a shock such as you filing to wake her up....

good luck
the woodchuck


----------

