# I don't know if he loves me?



## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

Hello everyone, so glad I found this forum as I am going through a difficult time right now. I will try to keep this short and straight to the point, any advice or thoughts is much appreciated.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. 
We've had our difficulties along the way. I suffered through anxiety/depression about 4 years into the marriage. I know I wasn't easy to deal with but made it through, eventually overcoming the ordeal a few years later.

But not soon after overcoming that, I found out my husband had an affair with an old friend. When confronted about it, he broke down with remorse and said he was sorry and that he didn't want us to split (we have two children together).

I forgave him, though hard to do (still today it hurts) and we worked on our marriage, felt like things were better than they have been but that was short lived, as life got busy and eventually it felt like we were just co existing. 

He's busy with work, I'm busy at home taking care of the kids, house, him, ect…

But I honestly felt like things were good even though we would fight and I am somewhat hard to deal with. I admit at one point I felt unhappy, not so much with him, but with myself (weight gain and insecurity from the affair). But it was rubbing off on him, I was not as affectionate or caring and most of the time angry and bitter.

Long story short, as the years went on, the harsh feelings have built up and I noticed a shift in our marriage. We weren't happy like we should be. We were less affectionate. Hardly any intimacy. 

Just recently he finally opened up and told me he's unhappy and that he lost that feeling for me. He loves me because of everything we've been through and that I'm the mother of his children, but I guess he's not "in love" with me.

I find it unfair that if he's felt this way overtime, he should have came to me and we could have actively worked on it together. How was I to know he was unhappy? And honestly if I knew there was something I was doing wrong, I am more than willing to change or make it better.

Even through the bad times, I never imagined us not being together. I always knew I would stick it out. But he has expressed thoughts of separation.

But we've talked and he says he wants to work it out, perhaps see a counselor, and find our happiness again.

Which is great but here's my question: 

Now I wonder did he ever really love me?? We got married quick, only 2 months of dating. He said I made him happy and that's why he chose to commit to me. The vows say for better or for worse and unfortunately he saw the worst of me when I hit depression/anxiety but if you love someone, it's unconditional right? 

So why the affair? He says he wasn't happy because of the situation at home (financial, fighting, ect..) almost like what's going on now actually. And he reached out this his "friend" which to me was an emotional affair which then led to more.

Even though he's expressed that he wants to work on us, in the back of my mind I keep wondering if he really does LOVE me. What if he changes his mind? What if he can't find that feeling again?

So how am I supposed to put 100% effort in loving him and making things better when I still feel insecure? It hurts. I just want to be confident in our marriage and know that he wants me, only me, and isn't just staying with me because of the kids.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Perhaps you are thinking of love in the Walt Disney movie style.

While some might prefer a sort of wild uncontrolable compulsion that drives you to a person, others would value and see the choice to stay with someone, come what may, as a truer expression of love. 

I think you are asking the wrong question. A good marriage takes:

-Communication
-Physical intimacy
-Emotional Intimacy
-Intelectual Intimacy
-Life Partnership

You both have to want the above things together for it to work. 

While I agree he should have addressed his failing feelings for you earlier, the fact that he wants to try ought to mean something. He could have just packed up and left or had affairs because he did not care. 

If you think about it, there is a good chance that the things he wants you to do, you would do for yourself if you where single, so why not give it a shot?

All this assumes he is not into another affair that you do not know about.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He has probably reached out to his friend again.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am sure to a certain degree he loves you, but a person who has crossed the lines into infidelity gets their loyalties twisted because of the euphoric recall...the rush of feelgood emotions they felt while cheating. Yes, he felt guilty, but infidelity has potent drug-like effects that take a long time to recover from. These crazy feelings are often confused with love...and often they compare the crazy "love" feelings with their married relationship...and say "How come I don't feel this way about my marriage?" It's immature and selfish thinking.

It;s important that you know this as you proceed, so YOU aren't making yourself responsible to WIN your husband back. Sure, you marriage may have had its share of problems, but YOU didn't force your husband to cheat. That's HIS character flaw...the he NEEDS to take the initiative to get help and reconcile this to himself and to those he loves (for real).

However, if he doesn't want to change, doesn't want to be accountable, and demands privacy, and blames you for everything...then let him go. Give him his freedom...and you get to move on. But before anything, you need to get out of damage-control mode...and take some time to decide if this wasn't a dealbreaker already. Many try to work it out, but many also say that was it. Unplug from your fears and tap into your feelings...and then you will know what road you are meant to take.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love in marriage is not unconditional. Unconditional love is what a parent has for their child.

Adults have needs. If our needs are not filled by our spouse we fall out of love.

There are some books that I think will help you. You should both read them and work through them together: “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs”, and “Love Busters” , all by Dr. Harley. If you do what the books suggest you can both rebuild the love and passion for each other.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Thank you EleGirl. You are so right that love in marriage is not unconditional. That line of thinking that love in marriage is unconditional is what gets a lot of marriages in trouble, where spouses take each other for granted and pretty soon the relationship dissolves quickly.


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## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I understand now, love is not unconditional for each other. We do have to work on it, that which we have lacked over the years.

It's complicated, there's more stress factors that play in. Financial strain, he's unhappy at work, we both are unhappy with where we currently live.

I don't believe he's reached out to his friend, we've been open about that. Although it has crossed my mind. Along with the thought of him being in another affair but he knows I'm not playing around. I was easy to move on before but if it were to happen again, there is no second chance.

Baby steps, I am taking baby steps. Working on myself. Finally looking at joining the job force again to help with the financial strain and also have time for me.

As well as taking the steps to work on us.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My wife didn't have any trouble telling me she didn't love me. Give the man a chance if he is willing to try honestly. Jmo


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