# Our 5 year marriage



## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old daughter. Once we get married, I focused on my family, balance my work and family, and basically take care of house chores and our daughter myself. My wife, on the other hand, is a very ambition career lady who wants to climb the corporate ladder. Career comes first before the family for her. Distribution of house chores has always been an issue for us, with me getting tired from doing all the works and getting no help or appreciation from her. I tried to have a nice chat with her on this issue first, and when I couldn't get her attention, start to yell at her couple times. She would just take the yelling and leave afterward.

In the beginning of July, when we ready to go to sleep, there was a fairly intimate text message came on her cell phone from a co-worker. I asked her about it, and she said it was just a joke. and I decided to let it go. Couple days later, I found out that she is seriously googling this co-worker, and in one of her emails, she says how special he is in her heart. I was angry and confront her about the email. She said she is sorry and it was just flirting gone to far. Afterward we made up and I told her that I do not tolerate this behavior. She said she understands, but also said that she is starting a business with this co-worker.

But her behavior started to change, she would keep her iphone really close and emailing, texting, and calling outside house. Eventually she said because I don't give her the space she needs, she is falling in love with this co-worker. She then moved upstair while I stayed downstair. We had another fight and I actually went to the OM house and asked him to stop it. Of course, the OM denies everything.

After couple days of fight, I went and talked to her that it is pointless to keep fighting over this OM. I forgive her if she can stop contacting OM. Things seem to be ok for a week, but then she came home one night and says she wants a divorce without giving me a reason why. Looking at her cell phone bill, she talked to the OM for 78min right before coming home. I also found out that she create a gmail account. Looking into her account, there is one email which she says how much she misses him, and how much time she enjoyed spending with him (on the day when we had our heart to heart conversion). I got really angry when I saw the email, took her to the OM house, and expose everything in front of her, the OM, and OM wife. I then took our daughter and lived in my sister's house for awhile. Then one night she called me up and saying she is sorry and wants us back in the house. She didn't blame herself for what has happened, but blaming everything on me for what happened. Trying to save this marriage, I told her that I will make the changes she asked for in order to save my marriage. She complained that I was yelling her all the times, which I have changed now and no longer yelled at her anymore.

For the Labor Day weekend, I took our family on a mini vacation to just relax. But once we came back from vacation, I noticed she starts to grow distant and cold again. She won't let me touch, hold, or kiss her. Couple times when I walk by her, she would quickly close her laptop. I got a little bit suspicious, started to snooped around a bit, and found out she had created a 2nd gmail account. In this email account, she has gone from flirting to openly saying how much she loves him and OM also tells her how much he loves her. (this really hurts me as I thought our marriage was starting to work and she was doing this behind my back) I confronted her about the emails and she got angry at me for reading her emails. Right now, she has moved upstair, won't talk to me, but continues email conversion and phone call with this OM.

I am done with being Mr. Nice Guy and completely ignoring her. I told her that I would file for divorce if she does not cut off communication with this OM and keep all communication open. She came home last night, said she wants a divorce from me. No apology, no remorse, no regret for what she has done. The funny thing is that this OM is married and just had a baby. But my wife says she is willing to wait for this OM getting divorced than being with me.

Right now, I plan to go to the lawyer to start the divorce process, but still have hope that she would turn around. Or is she gone too far to have any chance? She does not really respect me or my need multiple times, is this marriage really worth saving? Should I expose the whole thing to OM wife?

Thanks for reading


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dan,

You're doing the right thing by filing.

She has lied to you, possibly exposed you to STDs (get tested by the way because she probably already slept with him) and has totally disrespected you.

Look up the 180 and implement it now!

Good luck


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So she cheated on you, then blamed you for it and you took her back? And now she's still cheating on you? It's over. Bringing in the OM's wife will f*ck him over, but it isn't going to help you.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Use exposure to kill the affair. Find the weak spots of both her and the OM...i.e. Her parents, thier bosses, his parents etc.


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks, I exposed the affair to her family and our friends, but she isn't listening and just stonewalling everyone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You give terrible advice Drover. 

OP, yes, tell his wife!! Then get as much evidence as you can and expose these two to the company they are working for. get the HR department involved. You have done more than you fair share to keep the family intact You wife simply has no respect for you. If you concede more than this, you are only enabling her selfish behavior. File for divorce and start the 180. It will be against your natural instinct but you need to do it. If she apologizes and is prepared to work for the marriage, you can stall the divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

danonymous said:


> Thanks, I exposed the affair to her family and our friends, but she isn't listening and just stonewalling everyone.


Expose to OM's family and their work place


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Did you exposed the recent development to OMW?

she is broken and you cant fix her. Let her go and have her fun.dont allow this to happen under your nose and humiliate you, so file for D.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> Bringing in the OM's wife will f*ck him over, but it isn't going to help you.


NO

1) It helps destroy the affair when it gets exposed as the excitement from the secret relationship loses it's luster
2) the OMW deserves to know
3) Often AP will throw the WS under the bus to save their marriage, further helping to destroy the affair


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I would say file for divorce just like she wants. Then contact the MOM wife. Then see what happens. The marriage will only be worth saving if she is willing to do the work.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BTW- if she snaps out of teh fog and wants to stay married, she needs to go complete no contact, if she works with OM then she must quit her job


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You give terrible advice Drover.


I didn't give any. :scratchhead:

But this marriage is done like dinner. This is not salvageable.

Killing the affair is not going to fix this.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

There is no privacy in a marriage. Need of Privacy means she is hiding/doing something awkward on your back. Here its cheating.

If she is pissed off for reading her email ask her to **** off and offer your account.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Drover said:


> I didn't give any. :scratchhead:
> 
> But this marriage is done like dinner. This is not salvageable.
> 
> Killing the affair is not going to fix this.


Why is it done like dinner? His wife is still clearly in the affair and he hasn't completely gone nuclear on the affair while what appears to be half rug sweeping it. If he goes nuclear and kills the fantasy of the affair there is a chance his wife could wake up. 

At five years and with a child I'm sure there is some good and honest history they could grasp onto if they decided to R. There are situations where it seems that a relationship cannot be fixed, but this isnt one of them. 

To the OP, file, do the 180 and then watch the ACTIONS of your WW and decide for yourself if you want to work on the marriage if she comes back to the table 100%. 

When she gets served, shell cry, shell beg. I fell for it for a bit, dont fall for it, watch what she DOES, not her tears.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

This affair just went underground and it will go deeper and she will escalate to a rock hard in love with AP affair. Now, stop being a nice guy.

Right now this will sound tough, but 4 pages into your own thread you will realize how you were not smarter before. Youre a walk over, a pushover, a doormat, a loser, too nice of a guy trying to fix things by nicing your wife. Never works. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER. It clouds your mind, she will try to use that to keep you satisfied on her end so she can relax and cake eat. Start ignoring her and move on with your children first in mind, your health and needs second. You need to not speak to her or relate to her any of youre feelings, heartaches, or show emotions in front of her. You will give YOURSELF space because you need to think clearly and be focused that bringing your wayward wife back means kicking her to the curb to WAKEUP.

This other man is married. If you kick her out she wont stay at his house. Make it as difficult as you can for her. Throw all her things in trash bags and leave them on the lawn or on OM lawn. Tell her she needs to find another place to live her single lifestyle with no arguing, just statements. Dont respond to te,ts or phone calls from her or OM. Unless your kids are with her than answer a phone call etc. 

Remember that she has moved on, away and beyond from you and has set herself onto he OM once you realize that she cannot see you anymore you need to act against that by laying the law down! Treat her like a teenager because thats how she is acting. Dont listen to her ranting, whining, this is all her fault amd she has driven you to throw her out because she abandoned ship, so ship out!

Dont take her back unless she is on her knees begging, crying and shows actions to doing WHATEVER YOU DEMAND. No contact, no luncheons, no company parties, no GNO no sleep overs, no opposite sex friends etc!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm with drover. This marriage is finished.

There is nothing left to save. Exposing to everyone is always best because you already know she is the type that will try and turn it around on you. So if nothing else salvage your own reputation so that it never gets back to your daughter that you did something wrong.

As far as her coming back to you, why would you want her?


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the reply. Right now, I scheduled an appointment with the family lawyer next Wed and will ask her to move out. How do I go nuclear on this affair? Expose it to OM's wife? 

Thanks


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Be prepared for a couple things.

1. You need to expose it to the OMW. Just like you needed to know, so does she.
2. Expect the OM to go into full "save my marriage" mode and kick your WW to the curb
3. Expect your WW to come crawling back to save her marriage when she realizes what she's done
4. Recognize this isn't her "clearing the fog" this is her settling for Plan B. Don't be Plan B. This is your chance to say "You had REAL love with me and Fake BS love with him. I was always here for you, where is he? I certainly hope you enjoy living with your choices and your messed up priorities."


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You need to also expose at her job. File a formal complain with HR.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

danonymous said:


> Thanks everyone for the reply. Right now, I scheduled an appointment with the family lawyer next Wed and will ask her to move out. How do I go nuclear on this affair? Expose it to OM's wife?
> 
> Thanks


Start by re-reading cleanjerksnatch's missive. Then memorize it. Then act on it. NOW

Dad&hubby too!


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

Ok, a little update from my side.

Spoken to OMW, she doesn't know what happened and thanked me for bring this affair to her attention. Hopefully OM will have hell to pay when he goes home. 

Spoken to wife's boss, HR immediately suspends all three of us pending an internal investigation. For my wife who has corporate ladder ambition, this would piss her off as she will have the label 'cheating wife' on her record.

Came home and found my wife packed her thing and left the house. Great for me on getting the child custody as I can claim family abandonment, just need to get a witness now.

I am actually smiling today for the hell I caused on my W and her OM.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

danonymous said:


> Ok, a little update from my side.
> 
> Spoken to OMW, she doesn't know what happened and thanked me for bring this affair to her attention. Hopefully OM will have hell to pay when he goes home.
> 
> ...


You should be smiling for exposing the hell that your W and the OM caused and brought on themselves. Awesome job man!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

danonymous said:


> Ok, a little update from my side.
> 
> Spoken to OMW, she doesn't know what happened and thanked me for bring this affair to her attention. Hopefully OM will have hell to pay when he goes home.
> 
> ...



I am sorry to say chances are he will not have it as bad as what you will/should put your wife through. Cheaters minimize, justify, rationalize, gas light, cake eat, and no one should keep them from fulfilling their dopamine/love fix because they can't help themselves. 
Don't take this lightly! Would ever do this to her? Its serious betrayal.
What is she to expect you are thinking? That you are fine with sharing her love and even maybe herself with another man. She should know that it is disgusting and it makes you want to vomit that when she talks to you, you have to use the restroom to dispose of any fecal matter in your system, that she changed the way you see her, you can't look at her without seeing the OM and playing mind movies.

Play the other side of the coin, what if she saw you with some OW? I'm sure she would flip out, even if she was cheating because most cheaters can be jealous, and some may even be so extreme that they ask you to go have a RA (revenge affair) so that they can continue to cake eat. That's kind of like an addict saying "here try this so you can see its great and I can keep doing it, lets get over it already"

Now that she is packed and gone, don't chase her, don't cling to her, don't beg her, don't txt her, focus on you. Clean house, work out, eat well, take vitamins & minerals, keep the stress controlled, the mind healthy by what eating well. Change your style, upgrade yourself. Sure you should have always been this way but this still does not justify any cheating on her behalf.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm with drover. This marriage is finished.
> 
> There is nothing left to save. Exposing to everyone is always best because you already know she is the type that will try and turn it around on you. So if nothing else salvage your own reputation so that it never gets back to your daughter that you did something wrong.
> 
> As far as her coming back to you, why would you want her?


There is no point in killing the fantasy of the affair. What for? If its to set the record straight with the family by exposing then fine, but if its to get her out of her fog then don't waste your time. You'd always wonder why she came back. You do not want someone who's done this to you as a life partner. I'd expose the affair to our families and the OMW. Whether that would kill the fantasy for her would not be my concern because I'd be gone. Let the OM and his new family kill her fantasy on their own time.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You work in the same office?

Also ages?


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

I am 36 and she is 32.

We work in the same company but different location.

I am done with my marriage, already throw out all the crap she left behind and clean up the house. Going to talk to my lawyer this week, love to see the expression on her face when she get served at her workplace.

Thanks everyone for the support


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job on making this affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible.
She is in the fog big time and now contact OMW and warn her know that your WW is no longer in the house and you have lost the ablity to keep track of her. and to keep her eye out.

Again another tacktic in keeping the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable.

Your chick sound like a strong willed women and may never show you the submission needed to keep her marriage. So for now stay as dark ( I understand you have a kid) as you can and stick to the 180 and give her a taste of things to come.

We all pray that she starts to get closer to being out of the fog, but with this kind of women, her stuberness may make it to late to repair this thing. The way I see it, she had several chances with several d-days and yet continued to make the wrong choices...and thats suck.

BTW were is she going to stay? I ask cuz this could greatly effect were you let your daughter go to visit her.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

why would you get suspended also? sure don't sound fair to me...


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

I give you Much Respect for handling the situation without [email protected]##yfooting around the issue.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

danonymous said:


> I am 36 and she is 32.
> 
> We work in the same company but different location.
> 
> ...


I thought you took this to HR and you, your wife and the OM were all suspended? Did I misread that?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

danonymous said:


> Once we get married, I focused on my family, balance my work and family, *and basically take care of house chores* and our daughter myself.


During our 20+ years together, I spent over 4 hours a week cleaning the house. I also worked on average 50 hours a week and took care of the yardwork, grocery shopped, and cooked dinner on Sundays. My ex wife was a stay at home mom for eleven years and did the laundry and cleaned the upstairs of the house. I figured that I spent over 4000 hours cleaning during our marriage. At the time, I didn't mind because I was helping out and I actually enjoyed cleaning the house. 

She might have appreciated the help on the surface but I've since learned (from reading and being on this forum) that she thought LESS of me as a man for doing this. Contrary to what the popular media and Oprah would have you think, doing all the household chores does not make your wife love you more - sometimes they end us loving you less.

In your next relationship, remember the wise words of another TAM poster, Machiavelli:

*BEING THE MAID WON'T GET YOU LAID.*


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

We all are getting suspended temporarily. Hopefully I will be back to work in couple days. I know it does not sound fair that all of us getting suspended, but from company point of view, they want to make sure nothing happens on the company property which they will become liable. 

Not sure where she lives, probably need to find out eventually. Odd thing is that she hasn't called to check on our kid at all. 

Right now I am just preparing myself for the divorce and child custody, totally not focusing on her at all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Soon she will start missing her child, do not let her take the kid, keep it suprevised.

When is your lawyers appointment?

This is important cuz the documentation you are keeping (you know your journal of her comings and going and each day she has not contacted her child) and her current behavior of abandonment might make it nessecary for emergency tempory custody.

This legal action will prevent your daughter from being taken and miss her school.

Remember your wife has just as much right to her child as you do until an order is in place that keeps your daughter at her home and in her school.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Make no mistake here, this is not the same women that you married and gave birth to your kid.

Right now expect the unexpected and legally protect your self and your child.

It might even be a good time to go get a VAR and have it on you when you do have to interact with your STBXW!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This may seem over the top but its better to have these things in place and not needed, rather then kicking your self later while you figure out how to get your kid back.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Dan

Please get that VAR and plenty of extra batteries. There is nothing more vindictive in this world than a scorned WW. PROTECT YOURSELF.

Great job exposing and taking care of your kid. As you said, document, document, document. Have people every day document that she has left her child without as much as an address in case of emergency. Make sure your lawyer has that information for the emergency separation and support papers that he/she will draw up for you.

Sorry your wife is bats^t crazy. Glad your child has you!!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

danonymous said:


> Odd thing is that she hasn't called to check on our kid at all.


That's because she's too busy getting her oil changed by the OM to notice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've done very well at exposing, you might touch base with the OMW to see how she's doing,


Also you need to secure the money you can along with a shark lawyer.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Just ask her. Do you want to be with me or him? She can't have both. I understand you love her, but do you really want to compete for your own wife?


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