# Depressed being married to a Japanese man



## ladybugS2 (Jan 20, 2012)

My husband and I had dated for almost a year and then we decided to get married. I am an American and he is Japanese. We met and dated in Japan but I had to return to America for the summer. He proposed to me before I returned. I made the promise to come back to Japan in only 3-4 months. He waited for me and I gave up everything I had in America to move to Japan to marry him. Although I can speak Japanese pretty well, I am not yet fluent and his English is terrible. 
We have only been married for about 6 months. I am feeling so depressed. Not only because I now have no one else to talk to because he is very overprotective, but also because I feel like he no longer cares about me or shows me he loves me.
Lately we have had mild trust problems because I had caught him lying to me several times. He always says he will change but he has not get changed. A lot of time there are misunderstandings between each other due to the language barrier. But my biggest problem is that our love was so strong and we got along so well but now I only feel hurt by him. I can't even remember the last time he said he loves me. I am really tired of being lied to but I do not want a divorce and in all honesty I would have no where to go even if I did want to be on my own. I do not know what to do or how to cope with the situation. Whenever I try to talk to him about my feelings, he gets mad at me for being depressed. Even his parents are worried about me and try to defend me when they can but my husband is just so controlling and part of the Japanese culture is to allow people (and their children) to make their own decisions and mistakes.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ladybugS2 said:


> I had caught him lying to me several times. He always says he will change but he has not get changed. A lot of time there are misunderstandings between each other due to the language barrier. But my biggest problem is that our love was so strong and we got along so well but now I only feel hurt by him. I can't even remember the last time he said he loves me. I am really tired of being lied to but I do not want a divorce and in all honesty I would have no where to go even if I did want to be on my own.


I moved with my H, too and he started lying, hiding things, staying out all night while i stayed home utterly depressed. I moved into his world and left mine behind and when I had a hard time with the transition he wasnt there for me. I can empathize with how trapped you feel because I also felt like I had no where to go. 

I fought with my H for years trying to get him to change. In the process I became more and more depressed and the fighting between my H and I escalated. I also thought my H was the biggest problem and I thought he was the reason I wasnt happy; but that was a cognitive distortion. 

The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is regain your independence. Find a way to get back out there and be content and happy with your life. There is nothing worse then feeling trapped and it will completely destroy your relationship, and more importantly, it will destroy you. As long as you dont feel you have a choice to stay with him your contribution to the relationship will be unhealthy. Let go of his unhealthy behavior for awhile and focus entirely and regaining your own independence and happiness. Create an environment where you give yourself the choice to be in the relationship.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How did you fall in love with someone that you really couldn't communicate with?

That's interesting...

The Japanese culture is usually one of honor and respect. However, the men have funky ideas of marriage. (I dated a Japanese man for 3 years...his family was very traditional).


----------



## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. unfortunately the culture that you married into is very male dominated and women are still treated like second class citizens. there must be other americans living in japan, either military or civilians that you could hook up with to share common interests? what's preventing you from coming back to the states?


----------



## loze (Jul 6, 2012)

I am very sorry to hear this. Make sure you talk to someone, it is not healthy for you to feel isolated and undervalued.
I married a Japanese man, I am Australian. I am in a different situation as my husband speaks English. My Japanese is getting better but by no means is it at a level we can communicate well.I cant talk to my in laws which i fear in the future will cause problems.
We live in Japan now. On many occasions i have discussed 'the Japanese man' and relationships with my husband. He is by no means typical, and has lived in my culture for many years, but he is deeply involved with the traditional aspects of his culture. He tells me that Japanese men feel a lot of pressure when home. society dictates that he must step up to 'the boys club' (for lack of a better description). For example: My husband doesn't drink so he feels SO much pressure to socialize after work. His boss lies constantly to his wife. He tells my husband not to tell me. Expects my husband to be more involved with his life than our life. I understand his predicament. He tells me most things and we laugh. Somethings i dont want or need to know. 
I think it is despicable to lie to a spouse, small lies are stupid and large lies are like cancer. Anyway my husband told me before we came here that it is a different world - i.e. the concept of _on_. I think they think a lot of men lie by omission and think its ok. I was very clear to my man that this will not fly.
Without going on and on, my advice is find some friends who understand your feelings from a Western perspective and also make friends with Japanese women to learn how to handle situations. For example a good friend of mine here is Japanese and she is with an American man. she asks me LOADS of advice because she has similar feelings but reversed. We talk together - it helps. 
KEEP YOUR IDENTITY, if this is not accepted explain that you are trying to fit in and you expect nothing less than your husband respecting your roots, your interests and YOUR FEELINGS. (I'm sure you have). 
Some Japanese men love western women's powerful forthright nature but they really struggle with confrontation, especially if other people are privy to it. I have been so pissed off many times and created a drama in public - my husband has walked away, i felt like my feelings were disregarded, when we spoke after we got home cooled down he said he was embarrassed; Japanese culture dictates that you try your best never to make others feel uncomfy. this sometimes infuriates me but now i say OK ill stop but as soon as we get home we are talking. He agrees and this works for us.
Cross cultural union is hard but rewarding. I really hope you feel better. Bottom line if you are really sad you only have one life..leave. I know it isnt that easy, but you deserve to be happy.


----------



## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

Read whiteindianhousewife.com. diff culture but the author describes the ups and downs of culture clashes. 
Are there other ex patriot women u can connect to online that will ease the homesickness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home? Having some outside interests might help you quite a bit.


----------

