# How can I save my marriage?



## PleaseHelp (Oct 8, 2009)

Hello... I son't know if I'm posting in the right forum, but I am just looking for help.

Here's a little background...

I met the girl of my dreams lasst year through work and things happened quick. Within months, we were married. The problems came into play that when we met, I lied to her about going on a few dates with a friend of hers. BIG mistake and I realize that. That broke down the trust, definitely understandable. I also lied 2 other times about things that had happened before we ever went on our first date. I had said these lies to her on our first date and they came out after we were already married so she feels as though our marriage was/is a lie. This kills me.

I have certainly made plenty of mistake since then, pretty large ones actually, none of them as serious as infidelity (never cheated on her and NEVER would), but I had been a REAL JERK to her. I I think she had put up walls due to my lies, and I had been reacting rather than understanding in most cases. I know all in all, the way she feels, and the way we are right now is COMPLETELY my fault. 

The problem is that now, she doesn't trust me, respect me and I don't feel like she even likes me at this point. She does say that she loves me and wants things to work out when everything is good between us, but that seems hard to come by right now. I feel that I make even the absolute slightest mistake, I am going to lose my wife. For example, I had been at work all day and ended up having to stay one hour late tonight. I did not email her and let her know I was coming home late since I was talking with my boss and in the room with a higher up in my company. when I get home, I turn on Skype (she lives in another country currently) and she isn't signed on. I take my dog for a walk, finally get in touch with her and she begins to go off on me, calling me names, being completely rude and cruel to me and telling me that she is going to find someone that cares about her. 

It seems that no matter what happens, any fight will be blown into a MASSIVE fight and I will always be wrong. Now I know that I deserve to be treated this way for soime of the mistakes I've made, but I want to know if what I can do to prove myself to her and win her back. This is truly the most amazing and beautiful woman I have ever met and I screwed up. She has straightened out my life and made me feel like no one else ever has and I doubt ever will. 

I just want to show her that I have changed and that I live my life for her and get her respect back. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

In my opinion all you can do is apologize for the lies you told her in the beginning and not lie again. You can't help that you couldn't tell her you would be late after work today. I assume that you are telling the truth about that. If not, quit the relationship for her sake.

Outside of that all you can do is prove to her you love her. But you can't bend over backwards for her. That is a path that will lead to resentment on both sides eventually. Oh, not today, not tomorrow, but eventually. Think about it. If you are always afraid to be you with her and she holds that against you, will you be whole?, Will she?

Just my thoughts. There is no "quick fix" to anything. Just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Sorry to be not much help, but in reality it is a lot. Just be thankful there are no children involved.


----------



## PleaseHelp (Oct 8, 2009)

Yes I am telling the truth about that. I will never lie to her again. I regret saying those to her every day. I see the effect it has had on her and us and would do anything for her and to take those lies away. 

Sometimes I am afraid to be myself around her, but when things are good, I feel like she is the only person I can and have ever been able to be myself around and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever had. 

I love her so much and just want to make things work between us.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

PleaseHelp,

Why would you be afraid to be yourself around her? This is a serious question. Don't be flippant about that. I haven't been myself around my w for a while and now we are going towards a divorce. That is why I ask.


----------



## PleaseHelp (Oct 8, 2009)

I am so concerned with what I've done wrong in the past and wanting to let her know how serious I am about making things work. I don't want her to think I am taking things lightly and beyond that, I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around her anymore. I have no breathing room for mistakes. The slightest thing sets her off. She signed on to skype for a brief moment to call me a vulgar name and to say she's going to find someone that cares about her. She finally signed on again and I asked if she was serious about finding someone else, but she said no. But she brought up my mistakes - although I fully expect her to. I can deal with it for now, but just don't want to lose her without having a chance to show her how serious I am about her, us and our future.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Just give it time. That is all you can do. As I said all you can do is apologize. What did you lie about>? Be open here, this is anonymous. If you can't here, hard to help.

Of course she is going to bring up your mistakes. You made them. Just don't be "I can't live without you", "I love you". I know you think that is the logical response, but only pushes them away. Beliee me. It does. Just relax, take a deep breathe or two. Depending on you lies, this isn't that big of a deal.


----------



## PleaseHelp (Oct 8, 2009)

Well the first lie - she asked if anything had ever happened between me and one of her friends that we worked with. I said no adn left it at that. In reality, I had gone out with her friend a couple of times, and kissed once. I don't remember the other lies, but they were along the same lines. All happened before I met her. 

The other major screw up was when she came to the states for three months - The third night she was here we both got incredibly drunk and ended up arguing pretty bad. I had introduced her to everyone except for one girl in my past, as my wife. I didn't mean anything by it and had/have no feelings or wanted anything to do with her, so I am not sure why I did not introduce her that way. The night progressed and so did the argument until I eventually said good luck for the next three months. I am a complete arse for saying that I know. I regret that so much and it haunts me every day. I would NEVER speak to her again that way and would NEVER lie, cheat or anything of that nature ever again. 

I don't know if I wasn't really prepared for marriage or understood what it was like to be with someone real or what my deal was. I only know that now I am prepared, I know what I want and am hoping desperately that it isn't too late to rectify the worst judgement calls i've ever made.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You sound a bit like someone I know and love. You undermined her trust in you with stupid lies over stupid things. And I suspect you're afraid to be yourself because of two things :

(1) You may have told her other untruths that you can't even remember, but she will and it will further erode the relationship

and

(2) You are a pleaser, maybe even a dreaded "Nice Guy." You feel that if she sees the real you, she will reject you. You'd rather lie and keep the peace than argue over anything, no matter how dumb.

That said, she's hyper-vigilent for some other reason, not just what you did. She has a past. Was she abused or cheated on before you?

What's the scoop with her being in another country? How far along are you on immigration?

I think for you, individually, it would help to get some counseling so you can avoid some of the destructive behaviors you've demonstrated. They're kind of immature behaviors, really. Nothing horrible, but still... and to deal with your pleasing nature. Wantnig to please is good, but not at the expense of truth or yourself.

As for her, all you can do is firmly tell her that she either has to stop dishing out the abuse or you're going to end it all. So long as you refuse to establish firm boundaries, she's going to take advantage of her perceived strength and power over you. You need to shut that down. If she is abusive over Skype, tell her you don't deserve to be talked to in that way and if it does not stop immediately, you will hang up and the two of you can talk at a later time when she is calmer. 

Do NOT allow her to treat you this way. No matter what you did wrong in the past, you still require respect. 

Further, she has to realize that she's poisoning the well, too. What she is doing now you will remember. And when you are stronger, you'll really resent this. She is damaging your ability to love her back.

Being remorseful for past wrongs does not give her carte blanche to treat you like crap forever.


----------

