# Caught her cheating



## Bugler (Apr 16, 2020)

Ok so my wife and I have been together for 20 years and 12 of them married we have one child under 10.

I had suspicions something may be going on as she always seemed to be on her phone messaging and when ever I got near her she would shut down apps messenger, text, WhatsApp etc.

Being together this long you either know or can guess each others passwords so I accessed her messages, email and messenger via her I watch and found evidence that she was meeting someone - boom hard to accept but I am generally a call person I didn’t go straight out and rip her to shreads I wanted to take time to reflect and decide what to do but continues to gather evidence from messages. 

A few days later I asked if we could take time to talk and told her I felt she was distant and wanted to check if we were ok or what can I do to make our marriage better. I admitted that although I had never harmed her I admitted that I felt I had neglected her and didn’t give her the attention and compliments she deserved which is true as I had put work first for many years. When She had said we need to talk I avoided it (what a stupid fool). I told her I wanted us to have better sex etc. She said everything was ok and as normal don’t be so sensitive. I asked her outright if she had been unfaithful- she said No why would I ask that type of thing - I didn’t follow up I still needed time. I also hoped this may give her a wake up call also. In the following days she still continued to message and arrange a meet with this other person.
She also mentions how she has had a bad 12 months where she lost her job overnight, felt worthless got another job which was awful but has now managed to get an much more rewarding job. I don’t know if it is this that has triggered her needing to gain some worth fullness because I hadn’t given her that attention.

Over the last 3 weeks she has made an effort for us to spend more time together, we have had more sex than ever and when she tells me she loves me I believe she does but I think this has been her release although I am not excusing what she has done and she is still contacting this other person but she doesn’t know I know.

I am getting to the point that I am nearly ready to talk about it. I love her have decided I can forgive her and feel so much better when I am with her. I know some of you will say I am an idiot, chuck her out. We keep discussing plans for the future and because she thinks I don’t know she is continuing as normal but I don’t know how to start the conversation that I do know and that I have been reading her messages. 
Any constructive advice?


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

first, I’m sorry that you have to be here writing about your experience that you’re going through right now.

Second, you just found out that she’s cheating on you, don’t be in such a hurry to forgive her or to try to reconcile.

Third, you need to find out everything. When you confront her and tell her that you know That she has been on faithful, do not, let me repeat, do not under any circumstances let her know how you know. Just tell her that you know. Then you tell her that you want a timeline with all the details of when everything happened to what extent everything happened how she felt what was going on, when she thought it was acceptable to have an affair outside of her marriage.

Fourth, once you find out who the partner is, do some research on that piece of ****, and and if he is married, you must tell that spouse. No one deserves to live in the dark when their spouse is sleeping with somebody else. Wouldn’t you want somebody to tell you that your wife is sleeping with somebody else?

And finally, take care of yourself. You are about to start the roller coaster from hell. You didn’t do this, this is 100% your wife’s fault. You did nothing wrong. Try to get as much sleep as you can. Eat.Go out and exercise. Take care of yourself.

This place is going to give you some great advice. But that doesn’t mean we are experts in counseling. Everybody here is going to be giving you advice from their own perspective.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
Stay strong.
And no matter how hard it seems, you are going to get through this


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm sorry you're here, but I don't get it.

You find evidence she's cheating, and your response was to ask if the marriage is ok.

She responds by saying she feels neglected, so you ask for more sex.

You ask her if she's cheated, she says no, and you drop it.

She has a few weeks of having more sex with you, and now you're ready to confront her about her cheating?

Do I have this right?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

IMO: You have been kinda doing a 'pick me' dance. How can you know what either of you wants if you do not know the details? The next weeks, month, year will be difficult. 

You need details, a timeline, honest conversation. Reconciliation takes years. Do not let her blame you. Cheating is 100% her fault. Marriage issues are fault of both, but infidelity is not the answer. Twenty years is a long time leading up to marriage. Why was this?

Do not rugsweep, let her gaslight, make decisions without pertinent knowledge. Glad you came to us.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sir,

There is a third person in your marriage. This will not end well with this OM in your marriage . You need to confront. The OM wife needs to be advised. Does your wife work with OM? If so, she need a new job.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

double post


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Forgive, or Decided to pretend it’s not happening or it’s not a big deal.

Let me tell you from experience.

She’s had a taste, of the adrenaline rush. If it’s rug swept she will do it again at the first opportunity.
What’s the worst that’s gonna happen Besides being rewarded with more attention.
BAd precedent.

Before confronting I would have all information document so she can’t rewrite the script.
And in case she pulls the violating her privacy card and she goes for a divorce you have proof in case she attempts to turn things onto you.

eta: when you do confront make sure you have a recorder going she doesn’t know about.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, maybe she still loves you but likes getting it on the side as well or maybe she is biding her time to leave.

Do you know what her messages sound like?

Do her messages reveal any of what might be going on?

I feel your temperature and it is far calmer than mine regarding infidelity so my shock and awe response wouldn't probably be a good route for you.

Your best response would to gather as much solid, printed out, evidence of her betrayal and sit down and let her know it has to be him or you but not both.

If she breaks and seems remorseful while claiming she wants to keep you....

There are a lot of things she needs to do and you both have a lot of work involved.

She has to agree to no contact with her AP and write him a no contact letter or have a speaker phone conversation with you there where she tells him it is over and doesn't ever want to see him again.

She has to be on your side totally in this to prove she wants her marriage to survive her betrayal.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

@Kamstel2 gave you the basics. 

Listen, you think you are being a really great guy, you made mistakes, blah, blah, blah... So you are going to be all magnanimous, progressive and what not... 

No sir. Women, like men with strength and hate weak men. Now if you have enough evidence it is time to confront. 

AND DO NOT TELL HER WHERE OR HOW YOU GOT ANY OF IT. The question is, do you have enough. Do you know who the guy is. DO YOU KNOW THEY HAVE NOT SLEPT TOGETHER ALREADY. Do you know if this is her first time. 

Those are some question that at some point you need to find out about. But most would think you have enough information to confront. 

Here is another thing, DO NOT TAKE BLAME for her affair. If you were not attentive enough then OK, fix that. 

You were in the same marriage, and you did not cheat. THIS is her fault. it is not a mistake it was a choice. 

Do not do the pick me dance. Strength is what you have to show at every level. 

Do not offer reconciliation out of the gate. 

Do you even know what is required to begin reconciliation? If not you need to read here and find out. 

Be strong...


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Don't accept any blame for your wife's decision to cheat. Your wife is not the only spouse that felt like they didn't get enough attention, lost their job, or had other devastating problems - but they didn't cheat. Having an affair was not her only option - but she chose to have an affair. 

You are doing the 'pick me' dance trying to compete with the OM. You will fail. Why? because after 20 years no spouse can compete with the excitement of a 3rd party. It's not appropriate or fair for your wife to compare you to any OM. You (as the husband of 20 years) are at a competitive disadvantage to an exciting new man. Your compliments will not trigger the same excitement, make her feel young again, or beautiful or smart - like the OM's. 

Worse yet - affairs are build on fantasy. She does not know the OM ... he's just some guy she's built a fantasy around.
You can't compete with a fantasy.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Who is the OM? 

Consider installing a gps and a VAR in her car.

If he's married, notify his wife (without warning your wife). Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
Exposure converts their romantic tryst into the ugly shameful act of betrayal that it is.

Experience shows us that the most effective strategy to stop an affair is to show zero tolerance for infidelity. In order for her to take you seriously, she must believe that you will D (bluff if necessary) rather than tolerate her affair (including any contact with the OM). 

You're afraid that a confrontation may push her to the OM. That's false. 

It's not intuitive, but a strong angry/decisive zero tolerance for infidelity is more appealing to her and has the greatest chance to blow up the affair. Anything less is viewed as 'weakness' in you and is not appealing.

Affairs are based on fantasy. It's highly probable that the OM (even if single) does not want to marry her (she's a cheater).


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## Bugler (Apr 16, 2020)

Thanks all, some good responses in there. To clear some points we have been together for 20 years of which 12 of those married. I do think I am doing the Pick Me Dance which didn’t seem obvious to me at the time.
I know who his name is but do not know him and think she may have met him through her previous job. 
I think it’s been going on since around mid Feb this year from the messages I have read. I have screenshot some of the messages which make it perfectly clear what has gone on.
I wasn’t sure if I should say how I know - I do have an excuse why I have seen the message when she left me on the phone to her mother I Could say a message came through from him so I have seen what he said.
She is friends with him on Facebook and that is all I can find out about him they have one other mutual friend which again she knows from her previous job. I think he has a daughter who is mid teans but his profile or photos do not mention any partner. I can track her car via gps due to an inbuilt system which she doesn’t know I have access to.
I haven’t already forgiven her but I know I want the outcome for our marriage to continue but I understand that both of us need to want that for us to try. 
We’re getting on better than we have for a long time at the moment but I am scared to be honest to start this conversation because of the directions it could go and not something I would have total control over.

Wish me luck


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Was it obvious they were meeting for sex? What did the messages say? It will be easier to help you if we know what was said between them. 

Seems you know it's bad, though. Instead of acting like it's your fault, you need to steel yourself for the fight of your life. She needs to know that you are a strong man and won't take this sh*t from her, no matter how much you love her company. Come on man, it's freaking embarrassing. Stand up for yourself. 

"Honey, I know you are having an affair with X. Don't even pretend you aren't, I know for a fact. You have 5 minutes to tell me why you've decided to throw our marriage in the garbage. Starting right now."

Cheating wives do not respect weak men. The only way you come through this with any hope of dignity and even a REAL reconciliation is if you are firm with her. No need to be nasty, just be firm and strong. Oh, and do NOT tell her how you figured it out. She will absolutely ask. Do not cave on this. Just say, it doesn't matter how I know.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Was he her supervisor or in a senior position to her? 

You can see her phone numbers (his number) on your cell phone provider's statement. You'll need the gps, VAR, and the cell phone provider's statement to ensure she goes/stays NC. 

Look up his daughter's facebook page to possibly ID her mother (and the mother's facebook page). If you can access his friend list, then his wife may be listed. 

If she is still in contact with him, then the affair continues. Psychologically, even just the sight of him or his voice or a text will trigger the excitement of the affair. Texts stimulate & activate the same part of our brain as face to face contact. That's why 100% NC is non negotiable. 

You need to find out if he's married. Why? because it impacts your strategy (knowledge is power).

Google him or use the www.whitepages to find his address and id anyone by the same name related to him at the address. You can pretty well figure out if he's married by the age of the woman living with him (if any). For $400 a day you can hire a PI (it's good to know in advance if the OM has been bad credit/bankrupt, DWI, restraining order, etc). 

I can't stress how important it is for her to believe that you willing to divorce her (bluff if you have to). It's hard but if you appear desperate or willing to immediately reconcile; or cry or beg in front of her - you lose.

It's also important for you to take and maintain control. Stick to your talking points. When you confront her, inform her that even though your initial reaction is to divorce you'll give yourself 90 days to calm down before making a final decision. Inform her that if she's interested in remaining married to you then she has 90 days to prove it. 

If she says she doesn't know what she wants, then respond that you'll meet with a divorce attorney tomorrow (because infidelity is non negotiable).

Finally, the most 'powerful' response to "how do you know" is not to dignify her question with a response. Just continue with your talking points. Let her wonder how you found out and how much you know (it gives you power and puts the cheater off balance because they can't formulate a good lie). 

Her initial response will be to protect herself by lying, minimizing, and pretending they're just friends. If 'how did you find out' is her first question, then reply with a question (e.g., you've betrayed yourself, your husband and family by committing adultery - and that's all you have to say?).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get checked for STD's.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re getting along better because you set off an alarm with your talk. That doesn’t mean that “good” behavior will continue.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you be so willing to swallow that sh!t sandwich she’s feeding you?

she’s blatantly lying to you while she’s cheating on you. Since she does it so easily without pause you have NO idea how many times she may have cheated before this one.

why are you so willing to stay with a wife you really don’t know? This isn’t the woman you thought she was.

she’s willing to betray you and risk your health. Is that what love looks like for you?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Bugler said:


> Ok I know some of you will say I am an idiot, chuck her out.


Ok I agree with you and the above, Dude sloppy 2nds isn't all it's cracked up to be. Your weak and needy good God.. I do hope this helps.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are getting along great because she thinks she’s got something over on you and she thinks you’re too stupid to find out why she is so happy now!

of course she’s happy! She’s got a husband at home who she thinks is oblivious to what she is really doing AND a fantasy man who is screwing her. She is willing to risk everything stable in her life to have sex with this guy.

why do you want a gal like that? Why wouldn’t you want better for yourself?

tell her you know! Don’t tell her how! And tell her she needs to move out now! Let her know it’s unacceptable and you have loads to consider including seeing a divorce attorney.

let her sit on that for a good week! Do not give her ANY indication that you may want to reconcile. See if she dumps him - see if she is willing to do anything including the hard work it takes to repair the damage SHE caused!
Do not show one bit of weakness! And do not allow her to blame you one bit for HER bad behavior!


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Among other things, all cheaters share certain common characteristics (in the context of their marriage): selfish (self centered), a sense of entitlement, the ability to deceive 24/7, and a lack of empathy for how their behavior will impact their spouse (and their marriage). It's not a switch she can just turn off. Change starts with her accepting responsibility for her decision to cheat.

The fact that your relationship has taken a turn for the better (that she responded at all) is somewhat positive - but only because it's evidence that she hasn't yet decided to exit the marriage. 

However, that doesn't mean she's going to stop seeing the OM when you confront.

Why? because she is not thinking rationally and her reality is distorted. In order for a 'good' person to justify (in her head) her affair she's had to convince herself that she was entitled to an affair (or to let it happen) and that she 'needs' him. You can think of her as addicted, brain washed or whatever. 

You're not the first to have incriminating texts (and her response is predictable). 

Among other things, she convinced herself that you would never (never) find out. When confronted (reality strikes), she will immediately panic and go into damage control - and lie and lie and lie. Her response will be that they are just friends and were just role playing. Even if you had proof she spent the night with him - she'll argue they just talked.

Note, her lies (and maybe tears) are not to protect you or about her shame - but to protect the fantasy world/affair that she's created. That's why anything less than concrete proof will be denied. And she won't be scared off but will go underground.

My point: your best chance to save your marriage (if that's what you want) is when you confront. Totally destroy her fantasy world (the fog) with as many 'facts', negative consequences - and as much 'shock' as possible. 

Depending on the circumstances you may decide that the most effective strategy to be taken seriously and to dramatically burst her bubble is to confront by having her served D papers at work.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Bugler said:


> Thanks all, some good responses in there. To clear some points we have been together for 20 years of which 12 of those married. I do think I am doing the Pick Me Dance which didn’t seem obvious to me at the time.
> I know who his name is but do not know him and think she may have met him through her previous job.
> I think it’s been going on since around mid Feb this year from the messages I have read. I have screenshot some of the messages which make it perfectly clear what has gone on.
> I wasn’t sure if I should say how I know - I do have an excuse why I have seen the message when she left me on the phone to her mother I Could say a message came through from him so I have seen what he said.
> ...


I am sorry, wish you luck for what? For confrontation? If that is it then I wish you luck.

Also, so you realize that you are doing the pick me dance but you don't say that you are going to stop, WTF?

Further, you seem so happy that she has put you into a ***** coma that you are ok with her having a boyfriend? Surly that is not what you mean.

And last, you don't know how long this has been going on, you have not done a data recovery on her phone, you have no idea. Maybe she got fired from one of her previous jobs because she got caught screwing this guy in the broom closet.

Can you see how you are making all of these guesses about her behavior when you are actually the person that should KNOW what is going on with this situation?????

Oh, and when you do finally confront her, you don't have to say one word about how you know, you don't have to lie and make up stories about how you found out.

That is a really weak way of thinking. 

You need to read "no more mr. nice guy" and you need to read it today. 

Brother, your really need to wake up and wake up quick...


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

@Bugler You’re scared of what may happen?
You have been lied to and being treated as a fool.

There is no openness or honesty on her part

Some righteous indignation/anger is needed on your part to confront this.

Why be scared of being a man and demanding some respect?

Going to have to get your feet under you before you confront this.

If it has gotten physical between them and you’re still having issues with a little righteous indignation consider how many times the OM, with your wife’s participation, is likely to have smuggly ended as a cream pie for you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you do not get the entire truth out in the open she will just continue the affair.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

With infidelity, a fearful betrayed spouse is essentially a spouse who's declaring a loss in every conceivable way. Betrayers are drunk with lust, passion and limerence. If your courage and conviction can't be elevated to equal your wife's readiness and actions towards engaging others, you are writing your own ticket to hell. 

Being in fear while being betrayed 100% ensures a continuation of the affair and hurt. I'm not saying it's abnormal to be in fear. I'm saying you will have to find your way OUT OF IT if you wish to save your marriage or most importantly, yourself. 

Betrayers are ruthless. They don't care about the collateral damage they inflict. They only care about the emotional and/or physical fulfillment they receive. Nothing else matters. Know that this is what you're dealing with. I can't express upon you enough, the psyche of an unfaithful spouse and the degree of which they don't care about the consequences while in an affair. 

You have to operate with the same degree of conviction to save yourself first and foremost. Not you and her, but just you.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I personally think that Elvis has left the building. 

Be that as it may, you Bulger have been vague as to what your situation is. How frequently they are in contact, how often they have met for sex or non-sex dates, etc.

I will fill in those blanks because it seems like your wife is having a run-of-a-mill affair and it's very predictable.

I would preface to say that if you have the messages about what they've done or not done, I think you can believe what is said, but further prefacing that is as good as the date/time of the message. The next day could have changed.

They contact each other daily, most likely at least one contact early in the day, maybe first thing she does, to tell him Good Morning Sweetie and then another contact late in the day, maybe last thing she does, to tell him Good Night Sleep Tight Sweetie. Then again, maybe she contacts him after you are asleep for cybersex or old fashioned phone sex. If they are meeting up, I assume it's not to stay six feet apart through a mask and involves some type of fluid exchange, probably below the waist. If that is the case, is he wearing protection? Is she on birth control? Are you worried about diseases he may have that could be transmitted to you, sexual or not? And to your child?

I am assuming if his social media shows a teenage child but not a wife, then he probably does not have a wife. No matter, he is getting involved with a married woman, I would not be completely shocked if he had relations with other women, or men, too. After all, your wife is cheating on him with you, so he may be cheating on her with someone else.

As far as when you confront, I think it depends on the person, how they feel about cheating and their marriage, and what options they have, both the whole spectrum of real options, and the actual options you would be willing to follow through. My take on you at this time is that you are somewhat desperate to save your marriage. You may not think so, but you've been watching your wife cheat and you have not done anything to stop it, or you to leave, you've apologized to your wife, and she has not apologized to you, you have forgiven your wife without her even asking you for her forgiveness, and probably not knowing a lot of things, so you are forgiving things of which you don't even know.

Based on that, I think you should not tell her you snooped her phone, even if you think you had a reason to have her phone at one point. Almost always cheaters get really angry at being snooped, and cheaters usually consider snooping way, way worse than cheating, privacy is paramount, and invading her privacy makes you a very bad evil type person. It is not unusual for cheaters to say things like "I feel violated, and I can't trust you, our relationship will never recover." After all, it was your fault she cheated, and even though she had a justification for cheating before (which we don't know, but we know cheaters justify), now you have apologized and affirmed her decision to cheat as being completely justiified.

You are not alone. I think most people who post here are desperate at first. Many never post again because they only want to hear the "magic words" to tell the cheater that the cheater will end the affair and love the spouse again, which just doesn't happen in about 75% of the situations. They may come back a few months down the road when they've recalibrated their attitudes and thinking. An unrepentant cheater will do that.

In any event, what you do is, tell her that you heard from someone that she was with someone, overheard her and him, sent you an anonymous note, or some such vague thing. If she pushes you further as to WHO TATTLED, then tell her it's none of her damn business, she is the cheater, and she should be answering the questions, not asking them. If you can't tell her it's none of her business how you know she's cheating on you, then you will not be able to save your marriage no matter anyway, and thus it just doesn't matter, just tell her you snooped and take your consequences for invading her privacy.

It's always weird because the people posting here probably knows your wife more than you do. At least about how she'll react to the cheating. Yeah, you know what her hobbies are, what her favorite color is, what her favorite food is, the face she makes during love-making, all kinds stuff like that, public and intimate alike. But I really do think the posters here are damn near psychic in predicting how a cheater will react. It's like the movie Groundhog Day, they really are not that smart, they've just seen it day after week after month and many of them after year. Been through it. And have read enough to know these cheaters are rarely unique.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Bugler, how's it going? How are you doing?


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