# In need of advice + thoughts.



## Stressed+Tired (Apr 16, 2010)

Really hits home writing this, but I am in need of alot of help and advice, and also just need to 'get it all out' - so...

I am a 32 year old man, married for 3 years with an 18 month old daughter. My wife is 29 and our entire lives have span out of control and left me feeling battered and bruised beyond words.

We met 9 years ago, and from the start our relationship was frowned upon by her parents and entire family. I got nothing but outright hostility from them, but I thought we could get over that!

The first signs of my wifes selfish streak was when she was doing her nursing studies. I would pay for the shopping to make sure she didn't have to work shifts for monies. I took three full bags of food to her, and her response? "wheres my tea bags".

No thanks, no kind words, nothing. I brushed it aside as best as I could because I am the type who would give you his last £/$ if I thought you needed it. 

Then she went home to see her family, and for about two weeks she was terribly distant and off with me, and I kept saying "talk to me, you have to talk for me to know and help" but she kept insisting she was OK. Then three weeks later she burst and told me her family had been mean and rude about me and she felt bad.

Since that day on, well she has been terrible, atrocious about talking about feelings / thoughts / emotions to the extent I often am not suprised to not hear a peep from her about them till she is fit to burst and its almost given her a heart attack - yet, I am always there to talk to.

We briefly split about 12 months into our relationship because of some thing she said to me one night we were in bed - We had been out to a movie, and were laid dressed on the bed when I jokingly flipped her bodily onto her front and grabbed the rim of her jeans and gave them a tug.

Well, she hit the roof. Absolutely went off the handle about me being a 'potential rapist' because I yanked her jeans.. and yes we were sleeping together at the time and were sexually active and adventurous.

We split for a month because I was absolutely mortified - it makes me cry even now at the amount that barb hurt, but then we made up, but it always played on my mind ever since, but I buried it best I could.

Then we moved in together, her family sent blank cards to us on occassions like Christmas, and my wife went into her chosen career field (nursing).

So, leap 8 years to whats caused my pain.

Well, after deciding I needed a formal education at degree level, I went to University to study nursing. My wife agreed, my first year was amazing, I averaged B+, and was a great student.

Then my wife wanted to leave our home town because she was tired being the bread winner and move to a cheaper town. We did, and I went to another University. Then my wife said she wanted a baby.

I asked her, as I was just starting my second year to do all the research about how long conception times could be, and make a plan. She swore blind to me she had done so, and stopped her pill. I was too busy at Uni to do the research and I trusted her.

1 week later, pregnant. . I asked a fully trained health care specialist how much research she did, and you know how much? 1 Google page. Thats right - 1 Google page. The first article she found agreed with her, so she stopped researching it.

Life took the hugest nose dive ever from then on in

I couldn't afford to stay at University in both time and money ways, so had to leave, my wife was refused maternity pay because she hadn't been at her company long enough, so I left and became a full time Dad at home.. and now? now my wife resented the time I had at home, and has been so prissy and a pain in her job, she has been fired.

Am I angry? hell yes. She destroyed my future career and ability to pay for my childs future, she destroyed our childs future because now I am not able to get a good paid job... and to cap it all, she seems to be in some fantasy land that all will be well we just have to keep going forward.

So in a nutshell, after promising me the move would allow me to complete University, after promising me to wait for children, after promising me that she would be the bread winner after messing up all of our lives, she just wants to go off and bury her head in the sand.

I planned for the future - I even said after I completed my degree she could have a child and be a stay at home mother - all she had to do was wait. Now our lives are in ruins because.. well because she just wouldn't listen, wouldn't talk, and did one single solitary page of Google research.

Thats basically why I am here - I am angry with her, frustrated, hurt, worried sick now about the future and just want to roll it all up and say 'you know what, your such a genius, do it on your own if you hate listening to me so much".

.Sorry for the outburst people - but I am 650 miles from my family, no friends, no hobbies and just cannot even bare now to talk to my wife because looking at her makes me feel a nausea / sickness about what she threw away.

Any thoughts, advice, would be appreciated greatly.


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## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

Wow. Well, I have never been in that type of situation, but here it goes.

First things first. You never mentioned if either of you have seen a therapist. From the sounds of it, she is a selfish person, as you stated. But does she realize that she is selfish? Sometimes therapy may be able to help someone see who they really are, like what happened in my case. I didn't know how selfish i was until i started seeing therapists.

You mentioned that her family did not like you. Why is that?


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## Stressed+Tired (Apr 16, 2010)

My wifes family are all pillars of society in their own minds - Be it senior Naval types, engineers for major companies, Army Officers, Teacher / teachers at exclusive schools (Parents) - in short, I was seen as 'not good enough' and terribly common.

One example - at a funeral, the wifes father came up to a group of six of us all stood together talking. He asked the group would we like a drink. Of course we all accepted. He brought five drinks on a tray, handed them all out leaving me empty handed, looked me up and down and then walked away.

So, as you can see, my wifes family have a very distinct style of hospitality.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I feel for you stressed. You don't deserve what you have been given. I don't believe in divorce but maybe you need to seperate from her for a little while. Can you go to be with family while you finish your studies ? Can you stand to be away from your child ? Is it possible you can take your daughter with you ?

Her family seems atrocious and it probably more then likely why she is how she is. All I can say is you to figure out is this all fixable ? And she needs to want to fix it and work at it. I don't need to tell you that marriage is a 50-50 deal with both people participating. 

Anyways I am sorry to say its nice to meet you since we are both here.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

First of all... God made you one flesh when you married. She was to leave her father and mother and join you as one. Second, yes your wife is selfish, but SO ARE YOU... A lot of that I see is you saying "me me me". 
Third, the bottom line is at the end of the day, take away the uni, money and everything else what are you left with? THE 3 OF YOU. THE FAMILY.
So start with yourself... Get the book called the love dare... It has worked wonders with me and many others. It makes you realize a number of things including selfishness. Think, why do we hold our spouses to such high expectations, but our selves to such low standards? It is all revolving around selfish motive and actions.


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## Stressed+Tired (Apr 16, 2010)

Carefulthoughts said:


> I feel for you stressed. You don't deserve what you have been given. I don't believe in divorce but maybe you need to seperate from her for a little while. Can you go to be with family while you finish your studies ? Can you stand to be away from your child ? Is it possible you can take your daughter with you ?
> 
> Her family seems atrocious and it probably more then likely why she is how she is. All I can say is you to figure out is this all fixable ? And she needs to want to fix it and work at it. I don't need to tell you that marriage is a 50-50 deal with both people participating.
> 
> Anyways I am sorry to say its nice to meet you since we are both here.


Thank you for the reply and thoughts. I just cannot get over the fact that she sees herself how destructive her parents behaviour is, she sees how they alienate 'friends' and family.. but she still follows that way??! I guess we have a long road ahead of us.

The main problem is, because I stopped my studies half way through I canot go back because in nursing there is a 5 year cut off.. then you have to go back and start all over again at your own expense. 

But.. time will tell I guess and I will go cool my heels in the mountains for a few days to mull it all over I think is a best option.



pochael said:


> First of all... God made you one flesh when you married. She was to leave her father and mother and join you as one.


? as one? well, I would not destroy my family so I guess that falls flat.



> Second, yes your wife is selfish, but SO ARE YOU... A lot of that I see is you saying "me me me".


Selfish? remembering it was me who gave up careers for her, and then gave her the option to be a stay at home mother as she wanted, all she had to do was as she was asked and planned for... thats selfish? far from it really - I could of said no and stayed in my original role and career field... but gave it all up for another..



> Third, the bottom line is at the end of the day, take away the uni, money and everything else what are you left with?


Homelessness, debt, court proceedings.... jail.. just saying.




> THE 3 OF YOU. THE FAMILY.
> So start with yourself... Get the book called the love dare... It has worked wonders with me and many others. It makes you realize a number of things including selfishness. Think, why do we hold our spouses to such high expectations, but our selves to such low standards? It is all revolving around selfish motive and actions.


I hold my wife to high expectations because she was supposedly a highly intelligent, educated young women. We planned together, me started together, and when it didn't suit her she worked against me at evetry turn to do her own thing that has left us penniless, nearly homeless, one single pair of trousers each and one shirt and a coat, and I had to sell everything I ever owned to stay off the courts for another month. 

So yes, she has alot to measure up to or else we are in financial ruin and a bleak, bleak future. All because of selfishness from one solitary member of the family who jepordized us all.


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