# Money is the Root (Very Long Post, Sorry)



## MoxieRoxie (Oct 5, 2016)

Hi anyone who happens to read this. I'm new to this whole forums thing, but I really need to vent and would love advice from anyone who's gone through or going through something similar. My husband doesn't know how to handle our money. He's the breadwinner so we both figured he should be in charge of our banking and what not. But as time progresses, I'm seeing more and more that was the worst idea I could have ever agreed with. It's not just about him spending without keeping track. It goes beyond that. I'll just tick off the things that have brought me to the place I'm at now. 

The first incident happened when he gave a complete stranger in a not so good part of town a ride to a store. He left his wallet just sitting in the cup holder between himself and the man he did not know. Came home and told me, AFTER dude got out the car, he checked his wallet and his credit card was gone. I was mad that he drove some random stranger someplace atleast 20 minutes away, let alone left his wallet out next to them. And how do you NOT see someone going through your wallet RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! Sorry, I'm still angry because some more nonsense happened just tonight. I couldn't stay mad because it was a terrible mistake and he did something out of the goodness of his heart. 

Second incident happened when our bank closed our account because he hadn't set up his new job's direct deposit, so it was just going to this bank card his job gave him. He never told me they closed it, went into the bank himself, reopened it, and ordered himself a new card. I only found out when he complained that the new card wouldn't be personalized like his first. Yup. And he didn't get the FREE overdraft protection. So I'm totally unaware there's issues with our bank account, didn't know my card didn't work. And he acted surprised when I brought up how I'd like to have gotten a new card to when he reopened it. I wasn't even on the account! That's how much he thought of me. I don't spend without consulting him. I'm not a shopper in the least, so I don't get why he wouldn't tell me we need to reopen our joint acct! Getting a joint acct was his idea in the first place.

Third incident came during summer break. My father had paid for my two youngest to go to a "Kids' College" deal in July. Unfortunately, we all got the flu at the very end of June and couldn't make it. My father cancelled the classes and for some reason, the school sent the checks to my home made out to my kids. By the time that happened, the kids and I had made it to my parents for our yearly summer visit. My dad told me to tell my husband to put the money aside in the bank for the kids Christmas. My husband said okay. I thought, done deal. Well, the second week of our visit, husband drives up to join us. He kept getting texts on his phone and I nonchalantly asked what was all the noise about. He said the bank was set up to text us our balance blah blah. Nothing suspicious. The afternoon before we drive home, we had to buy a new tire because he got a flat on the way up. As we're pricing them, I ask how much will we have left in the bank after. He gave me an answer that, if I had thought about it, I would have realized made no sense. It didn't hit me until the evening right before we left that we should have had more than that with the college money in the acct. As we're driving home, I confront him about it. Turns out, because he didn't get the overdraft protection, everything he bought for the week I was gone, overdrafted our account to the tune of 720 flipping dollars. I was furious. I asked what would he have done if my dad wanted the money back. His response was he didn't know. I was so mad. Why agree to be head of our finances if you won't keep an eye on our balance!? And lying to me just put the cherry right there on top. He knew, from the moment I told him to put it aside for Christmas, that we didn't have it.

Fourth incident. We had put 1000 bucks aside (we're not the richest people on the block) for our daughter's dental appliance. I'm thinking, since our last talk, he'd stick to his word of keeping an eye on our finances. Well he didn't. Anytime there was an occasion for a little bit of frivolous spending, I would ask, can we afford it. He would say yes. As we waited for the appt date, which was a few weeks, he became distant. I thought he was having an affair. So throughout these weeks, I'm asking if he's okay, if we're okay. I'm asking for reassurance we have the money for our daughter's procedure. I'm asking for every purchase, is it okay, can we afford this, are you sure.... Yes, he would say. Yes, I'm okay. Yes, we're okay. Yes we'll have the money on her appt date. Yes we can afford this purchase, it's okay, I'm sure. And the purchases were things we didn't need. But he'd want to get little things here and there. Thank GOD we have overdraft protection. So on the date of her appt, we go in, and she gets cleaned and set up in the room for her to get her dental impression, but we have to pay first. Card gets denied. Twice. I ask if the bank put a hold on the money because he just got paid and our bank is a truly crappy bank. He says no, because he bought Tums from the store across the street while my daughter and I were in the dental office. So the lady, kind as can be, tells us we can come back before 2 that day or try again at 8:30 the next morning. So I'm sad, because we've already to had to reschedule, once because of the dentist, and once because my kid was sick. So the next morning, my husband takes our son to school while our daughter and I get dressed for the appt. He texts me and tells me we should just take Remi to school as his check hasn't cleared yet. So I'm irritated. I feel like he should have said something before he left. I'm just annoyed she has an unnecessary tardy. So we take her in, get back home, and I'm still a little irritable. He says he feels sick and goes and throws up and lies down with a bad headache. Looking back, I think the stress got to him. I'm in the living room reading the news on my phone when I get a text from him telling me to read an email.

The email goes on to explain how we don't have ANY of the money I thought was saved up. Turns out we'd been struggling to pay bills, but I didn't know because he never told me, even though I've said a million times, come to me when any problems in our family! Any. Especially after the last situation. Tell me the truth. I would never have let myself or him buy anything, no matter the price, if I'd known he had to dip into the dental fund to pay any bills. I thought we had that aside, as that's what he lead me to believe, along with our regular bill money and some spending money on the side. That's how he presented our banking situation. Bills are taken care of, we can afford to take the kids to Sonic, blah blah. She has the money for her dental deal. He blatantly told me after spending the 1000 bucks on the dentist we'd have 720 left over....Reality was, we only had that check he just received, and that would JUST cover her expenses. He knew this for weeks. We'd been struggling for a little bit longer than that. My mom understands it's hard to do this with one breadwinner. My insane depression and hated anxiety make it almost impossible for me to interact with someone face to face or on the phone and though I've gotten help for it before, it's been increasing. So she tries to help us here and there if we need it. She's always asking if we need help with anything. But because my husband didn't want to be honest with me, I thought we were great. 

So my anger came in waves. You lied....first wave of anger. You knew this and still took our daughter out of school to go to an appt you weren't sure we could pay for...second wave. You let her be tardy THIS morning because you were too afraid to tell the truth...third wave. You let me worry about an affair, distanced yourself from our family emotionally, made our daughter have to wait even longer for this procedure, all because you didn't want to be honest about our money situation? Because your pride wouldn't let you ask for help when we so badly needed it...infinite waves of anger. I was ready to separate...but I love him. And he's my best friend. And with my depression, I never saw myself living into my 40s. Then I meet him and I felt like, here's a person who makes me think about what life will be like when we're in our 70s, 80s... So I backed off. This was not even a week ago.

He texts me tonight with the awesome message that he lost our rent money. He put it in his back pocket. Not his wallet. Just loose. 350 dollars loose in his back pocket...now gone. We're trying to move. In order to move, we have to have a good reference from our landlady. At the beginning of our renting situation, we had some trouble paying rent on time. So the first time we tried to move, our landlady pretty much told the other landlord that we were late a lot. I don't blame her. I understand the situation. We were struggling then. That was 4 years ago. We got our stuff together about 2 years ago, and we'd had a great track record with rent. So now that we were thinking of moving on up in November...he recklessly puts 350 dollars loose in his back pocket...with rent due tomorrow. I would have asked him to get it earlier in the week, but when I've done that in the past, he would get irritated with me and act like I was nagging him. I guess if he equates nagging with being responsible. I can't with him anymore. Thne ups and downs. Anytime I make any kind of suggestion pertaining to money, he gets this attitude, this tone, like "Little lady, I've got this." I think I've reached my end...I love him. But maybe a little time apart will help. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship, marriage or otherwise, where I can't trust my sig other to be honest or responsible with money. And he should think about if he wants to be married to someone he doesn't feel he can be upfront with.

PHEW that was alot for my first posting. Sorry to anyone who made it, or couldn't make it through this long story. I know it was a bit much. But I really needed to get this out, and even if no one responds...it just feels good to spew it out. Thanks.:smile2: Open to advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so your husband cannot manage money and yet he's taking total responsibility for family finances. It's a mess.

How is separation going to help? Your expenses will go up with him having to support two households. You will need to get a job.

An alterntive is to sit him down and have a stern talk with him telling him that you are taking over fiancnes.


Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner"

Both of you read it and both of you work to put a plan in place. Then you manage the plan and give him regular updates... like weekly on your financial situation.

After that all in place, if you want more education on finances for the both of you, go to the Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com site and learn more.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Great advice from EleGirl.

Dave Ramsey is great. However, it's likely your husband has never been good with money and never will.

Hopefully, you two can decide jointly to have you take over all finances, bill paying, keeping track of every single transaction. Give him a fixed weekly cash allowance to spend how he sees fit. Have him ask for permission if he wants more money and have your Suze Orman "DENIED" stamp ready.

Really, you need to be able to log into the account and see all the transactions every day just to stop the $bleeding$.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop letting him handle the money. He has proven he can't do it so it's time for you to take it over. Give him a pre-paid card with a limited amount of money that you can reload each month. When it's gone it's gone until next month rolls around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason I suggested the Smart Couples book as the first thing to read is that it's a quick read and explains things in a way that helps people who do not understand how to manage money can really see how it works. then the plan can be put into place very quickly. The author has a website too like the Ramsey one.

But the sites are a more long-term idea that helps to maintain the plan.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

So obviously, he's not good with money so the responsibility should be shifted to you now not him. However he needs to be part of the budgeting so he can get better at it. I'm the primary caretaker of our household bills, however my H sits with me and helps to write out checks. He needs to understand how much everything costs and if he's not part of the process, he wouldn't know that. And if he doesn't see how much things costs, then he has a tendency to spend more. 

Communication was key and he failed miserably at that. I don't blame you for being angry, but I don't think this is worth a separation over. It's fixable. As EleGirl said, check out Dave Ramsey. I also liked to listen to Suze Orman. It doesn't have to be complicated so don't make it complicated otherwise he'll completely tune out (unless you WANT him to tune out). Make sure you get that joint account up and running if you haven't done so yet. That's first priority. Are you working? If not, you may want to think about part time work at least to help with the expenses.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Your husband is a little tyke in big boy pants. For this marriage to work he will need to fully understand his own limitations and relinquish his wallet. As long as he maintains the delusion that he a grown man you will continue to be annoyed by him. Are you emotionally prepared to raising a little boy?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Dump your bank while you're at it. Unless you're paying with checks there's no way you can get hit with overdraft fees for a debit card. It simply gets declined and that's all there is to it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Your husband is a lier. He isn't losing money, he's spending it on something else and hiding it. I'd guess gambling, prostitutes or strippers. Maybe drugs. Is he an addict?

You need to dig deeper. Find out how he's taking out cash and hiding it. An easy way is going to Walmart, buying a pack of gum and taking $80 in cash, so you'll see $81.32 on your statement. I used to do it all the time to my ex to have fun whenever I was out of town.

How often are you two having sex? In other words, is the marriage in good shape otherwise?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> *Your husband is a lier. He isn't losing money, he's spending it on something else and hiding it. * I'd guess gambling, prostitutes or strippers. Maybe drugs. Is he an addict?
> 
> You need to dig deeper. Find out how he's taking out cash and hiding it. An easy way is going to Walmart, buying a pack of gum and taking $80 in cash, so you'll see $81.32 on your statement. I used to do it all the time to my ex to have fun whenever I was out of town.


I agree that this is more likely than his claim of constantly losing money.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

You need to know your situation. So collect all bank statements, credit card statements, bills, receipts, everything regarding money and see how much money comes in and goes out, where it goes to and if it goes to things it has to go to (insurances etc). Your mother offered help, take it. Not financially but either by taking care of your child so you have the time to look through everything or maybe she can even help you with getting to the bottom of this. Knowing the status quo is the first step and then you can respond to the situation you will find yourself in.

The combination of all these incidents really sounds more like he is spending money on other things.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Your husband is a lier. He isn't losing money, he's spending it on something else and hiding it. I'd guess gambling, prostitutes or strippers. Maybe drugs. Is he an addict?


Yep, this. He is lying. He didn't LOSE the rent, he spent it, guaranteed. If you are not able to see what he spend his money on, its likely a habit as Guy suggested. 

You need to take over the finances NOW. He agrees to this or he agrees to divorce. Period. This kind of dishonesty is toxic and unacceptable. 

You call him the breadwinner, does that mean he is the only source of income, or do you work too?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Um, under no circumstance should you just "depend" on someone else to manage all financial issues. You can have a logon to your account. Go in and see where the money is going. That's on you.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Your husband is a lier. He isn't losing money, he's spending it on something else and hiding it. I'd guess gambling, prostitutes or strippers. Maybe drugs. Is he an addict?
> 
> You need to dig deeper. Find out how he's taking out cash and hiding it.


Man, I didn't even think about this! I just thought he was a doofus.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Man, I didn't even think about this! I just thought he was a doofus.


Yep, as soon as she said it "fell out of his pocket" I knew he was full of sh!t. I had a BF many years ago who was like this.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

OP you keep talking about Overdraft Protection like it is a financial management tool to be used regularly, it isn't! It is highly likely that your old account was not shut down because of his not setting up direct deposit but because he abuses Overdraft Protection. 

You should read the other posts here and take them to heart. You need to figure out what your H is doing with your family money (it's usually drugs, gambling or prostitutes) and you need to get educated about finances quickly. He is willing to lie to you and jeopardize your daughter's health by having her turned away from her dental appointment, that is really low on his part. He also risked the roof over your head and your ability to improve your living situation by "losing" your rent money...I wouldn't put this "man" in charge of watering a houseplant much less managing finances.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MoxieRoxie said:


> The first incident happened when he gave a complete stranger in a not so good part of town a ride to a store. He left his wallet just sitting in the cup holder between himself and the man he did not know. Came home and told me, AFTER dude got out the car, he checked his wallet and his credit card was gone. I was mad that he drove some random stranger someplace atleast 20 minutes away, let alone left his wallet out next to them. And how do you NOT see someone going through your wallet RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! Sorry, I'm still angry because some more nonsense happened just tonight. I couldn't stay mad because it was a terrible mistake and he did something out of the goodness of his heart.


Oh yeah...this is bullsh!t as well.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> I wouldn't put this "man" in charge of watering a houseplant...


:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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