# Needs



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

So, i dont know exactly how to ask this question so ill start with an intro...

My wife and I have been married for 8 yrs, 2 kids (4 and 3)... She now stays at home watches over our kids and babysits 1 child for 4 hours a day... she is happy to be home with kids as she used to work a demanding job which togethjer with my job was killing our family. I work full time at a job...

Our relationship has gotten stronger over the year since she stopped working and made an effort to be more "alpha", make plans for us etc... just have more fun in our lives.

The problem I have is that I feel that i am in competition with a lifestyle. what do I mean... well we both like to go out to restaurants bars lounges, do spontaneous things, and just genearlly have fun... we used to totally be like that when we were without kids. now its alot harder.... it takes effort to go out with a sitter, increasaed cost, planning etc...

i dont feel she makes an effort to make plans for us to do things as a couple... also, she has friends that are often doing things and invite her out and she sometimes (i wouldnt say always) goes...

it is easy for her to go... no worries about sitter, cheaper, spontaneous...

i could do the same, hang out with my buddies, but what i really want is to hang with my wife...i feel we have fun and when we have fun our relationship gets better etc... 

i dont know if this makes sense but i feel in competition with a lifestyle, the single lifestyle, and i cannot compete because with kids i cannot just say, like i used to, ok i will meet u there, or whatever.... it just takes so much effort and doesn't always work even when i want to put forth the effort


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So what does she say when you tell her you want to spend more time one on one hanging out?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Does your wife have GF's with kids that she can swap babysitting favors with ? Surely some of her women friends might want to get out with their husbands too. 

Talk to her about that. Getting the sitter thing covered is #1, you can always throw something spontaneous together at the last minute. No relatives to baby sit? 

I was the type I would ask my friends 'Hey, what is good for you"... if they gave me a date & time, and we could make it work, we'd jump. And if they needed me to watch their kids, If I was home, and available.. It was a done deal.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Kids? Spontaneity? REALLY?

You need to plan your outings now that there are kids. Follow the suggestions above

Also, I assume your wife probably jumps at the chance to go out with her friends since she spends her entire day with kids while you get to be around adults. I think that you may want to try and find activities where you can bring the kids (kid friendly restuerants) and you should help her with them. After all, while your job may be done for the day, the job of dealing with children is 24x7


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So what does she say when you tell her you want to spend more time one on one hanging out?


well if i have a plan, she's up to it, but its the spontaneous things that i just cannot compete with. she also doesn't really go and make plans

i feel i should basically tell her that we need more balance and basically say that couple times a m,onth we will book sitter and go out ... no matter what

my wife has friends with kids ... but its not that easy and when we wanna go out it is at night so we usually get a sitter to stay till late or sleepover otrher moms with kids wont wanna do that

relatives live far but we do use them when we anted to go away for the weekend twice in the last 6 months...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> well if i have a plan, she's up to it, but its the spontaneous things that i just cannot compete with. she also doesn't really go and make plans
> 
> i feel i should basically tell her that we need more balance and basically say that couple times a m,onth we will book sitter and go out ... no matter what
> 
> ...


You two need to establish date nights. No matter what, two days a month, you're going to do something together, no kids, no friends just the two of you.

If she's not as creative as you are, unfortunately you'll have to take the lead on this suggestion. Pick two specific days... every other Friday or whatever. Tell her to pick an activity for one of the days (make her do some of the work, no fair for you to do it all) and you pick for the other. Like every 3rd Friday, she has to have plans, every 1st Friday it's your turn.

Yes, it's harder for spontenaety with kids. Pretty much you can kiss that goodbye until they're self sufficient enough that they don't need sitters etc. It's part of having a young family... coupledom has to make adjustments.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Kids? Spontaneity? REALLY?
> 
> You need to plan your outings now that there are kids. Follow the suggestions above
> 
> Also, I assume your wife probably jumps at the chance to go out with her friends since she spends her entire day with kids while you get to be around adults. I think that you may want to try and find activities where you can bring the kids (kid friendly restuerants) and you should help her with them. After all, while your job may be done for the day, the job of dealing with children is 24x7


totally agree!! except that i feel we as a couple (atleast I) need adult fun... you know... like before we had kids... walking downtown, shopping, converstaion over drinks...etc 

i disagree that having kids means the end of that...i know it now requires effort... i dont mind putting that work in, but my beef here is that I feel in competition with that lifestyle... perhaps its just me but my wife jumping at the opportunity to go out knowing that i need that too (while i make plans all the time for us) leaves me feeling in the dust

maybe it is just me...maybe i am not articulating my feeling well here...

i dont know


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> totally agree!! except that i feel we as a couple (atleast I) need adult fun... you know... like before we had kids... walking downtown, shopping, converstaion over drinks...etc
> 
> i disagree that having kids means the end of that...i know it now requires effort... i dont mind putting that work in, but my beef here is that I feel in competition with that lifestyle... perhaps its just me but my wife jumping at the opportunity to go out knowing that i need that too (while i make plans all the time for us) leaves me feeling in the dust
> 
> ...


I get it. Really I do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> i dont feel she makes an effort to make plans for us to do things as a couple... also, she has friends that are often doing things and invite her out and she sometimes (i wouldnt say always) goes...
> 
> it is easy for her to go... no worries about sitter, cheaper, spontaneous...


I think this problem isn't about what you think it is. It's annoying you that she's leaving you all the time and doesn't seem to want to have fun WITH you. You feel neglected.

The way to fix it is not easy and it's going to require some soul searching on your part to find out where the resentment is coming from. Then you have to think about what would it look like if everything went the way you wanted it go to see if that's something doable or out of your control.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I think this problem isn't about what you think it is. It's annoying you that she's leaving you all the time and doesn't seem to want to have fun WITH you. You feel neglected.


:iagree:

OP, I can relate to you, after a while you start to feel like the only person in the entire universe that can't have special time with your wife is you. If the kids are around, it's family time. Or, it's one watches the kids, the other goes out time.

I think you have to consider some push back and let your wife know how you are feeling and that you need some quality time with her, and more importantly you need her to show through her actions that she understands this is important to you. She may not, but at least you'll know where you stand.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> totally agree!! except that i feel we as a couple (atleast I) need adult fun... you know... like before we had kids... walking downtown, shopping, converstaion over drinks...etc
> 
> i disagree that having kids means the end of that...i know it now requires effort... i dont mind putting that work in, but my beef here is that I feel in competition with that lifestyle... perhaps its just me but my wife jumping at the opportunity to go out knowing that i need that too (while i make plans all the time for us) leaves me feeling in the dust
> 
> ...


Good that you are stepping up to making the plans and arrangements for the two of you to go out. This falls smack into your lap.

What I see is a desire for a fairness that really doesn't exits. Here is the problem. Although work is no fun, at least you get to 
leave the house and be with adults for a while every day. Your wife stays home with her kids all day and that's really got to be tough. She has such a need for time out that she jumps at any chance


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> totally agree!! except that i feel we as a couple (atleast I) need adult fun... you know... like before we had kids... walking downtown, shopping, converstaion over drinks...etc
> 
> i disagree that having kids means the end of that...i know it now requires effort... i dont mind putting that work in, but my beef here is that I feel in competition with that lifestyle... perhaps its just me but my wife jumping at the opportunity to go out knowing that i need that too (while i make plans all the time for us) leaves me feeling in the dust
> 
> ...


I think you are deliberately being inarticulate because you don't want to actually confess what you feel. I think you don't want to face it, and stating it out loud or writing in your own words would be dreadful. You don't want to face the unpleasant judgment of your wife and how she will feel, and what we strangers here will think of you if you came out and admitted how much you resent having children. I bet you will profess from the mountaintops how much you love your kids. Maybe you do, but you resent them and wish to have the life you had before they were born. You keep saying over and over how you "_feel in competition with that lifestyle_." You make all other alternatives and suggestions impossible or not good enough. You tell us we don't understand what you're saying......because you won't say it. You don't want to face it.

You are right, I feel it is awful that you resent your children and the responsibility you have for their sakes. There are a lot of things people can regret about having kids but never really voice their regret. You make no complaints that you can say cause you any regret. You just sound selfish and unwilling to be happy because they exist. Yes, I think that's it. People on these boards have so much - some even have truly awful situations they live every day - that cause them to be unhappy. You don't have any such excuse. The existence of your children makes you unhappy, and you wish they were never born so you could be spontaneous.

Wow!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

River1977 said:


> I think you are deliberately being inarticulate because you don't want to actually confess what you feel. I think you don't want to face it, and stating it out loud or writing in your own words would be dreadful. You don't want to face the unpleasant judgment of your wife and how she will feel, and what we strangers here will think of you if you came out and admitted how much you resent having children. I bet you will profess from the mountaintops how much you love your kids. Maybe you do, but you resent them and wish to have the life you had before they were born. You keep saying over and over how you "_feel in competition with that lifestyle_." You make all other alternatives and suggestions impossible or not good enough. You tell us we don't understand what you're saying......because you won't say it. You don't want to face it.
> 
> You are right, I feel it is awful that you resent your children and the responsibility you have for their sakes. There are a lot of things people can regret about having kids but never really voice their regret. You make no complaints that you can say cause you any regret. You just sound selfish and unwilling to be happy because they exist. Yes, I think that's it. People on these boards have so much - some even have truly awful situations they live every day - that cause them to be unhappy. You don't have any such excuse. The existence of your children makes you unhappy, and you wish they were never born so you could be spontaneous.
> 
> Wow!


I disagree with the accusation that he wishes his kids were never born so he could be spontaneous. It's not unnatural or wrong to want to do something with just your partner like you had before kids. I myself have envied other people who could easily drop their kids off with someone and go clubbing, to the movies, ect. Ever since my husband and i had our first child we haven't been able to go on dates, to the movies, or do much of anything together really. I understand how overwhelming it can be and how frusterating it is to not have some adult time but just hang in there. Eventually you will be able to find a sitter, nanny, or something along those lines that enable you to spend some alone time with your wife.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I disagree with the accusation that he wishes his kids were never born so he could be spontaneous. It's not unnatural or wrong to want to do something with just your partner like you had before kids. I myself have envied other people who could easily drop their kids off with someone and go clubbing, to the movies, ect. Ever since my husband and i had our first child we haven't been able to go on dates, to the movies, or do much of anything together really. I understand how overwhelming it can be and how frusterating it is to not have some adult time but just hang in there. Eventually you will be able to find a sitter, nanny, or something along those lines that enable you to spend some alone time with your wife.


You're not reading what he's saying. You are mixing up his words and applying your own situation to his.

He never complained of spending alone time with his wife. He never complained of "_not being able to go on dates, to the movies, or do much of anything together_". He did, in fact, state he and his wife go out and he plans outings.

He constantly states he wants the lifestyle he had before the kids.



Thehusband2 said:


> i dont know if this makes sense but *i feel in competition with a lifestyle, the single lifestyle, and i cannot compete because with kids* i cannot just say, like i used to, ok i will meet u there, or whatever.... it just takes so much effort and doesn't always work even when i want to put forth the effort





Thehusband2 said:


> totally agree!! except that i feel we as a couple (atleast I) need adult fun... you know... like before we had kids... walking downtown, shopping, converstaion over drinks...etc
> 
> i disagree that having kids means the end of that...i know it now requires effort... i dont mind putting that work in, *but my beef here is that I feel in competition with that lifestyle*.


What else does that mean??? If it meant anything else, then his beef would be that he and his wife don't get to spend time together doing adult things. But that's not it. It's that he can't do those things *spontaneously* because of the kids.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> So, i dont know exactly how to ask this question so ill start with an intro...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 8 yrs, 2 kids (4 and 3)... She now stays at home watches over our kids and babysits 1 child for 4 hours a day... she is happy to be home with kids as she used to work a demanding job which togethjer with my job was killing our family. I work full time at a job...
> 
> ...


This just sounds to me like he misses fun with his wife or adult time in general... which wouldn't we all at some point? The cost of a sitter, planning, ect does indeed make it hard so yes i can relate to that. 



> i dont feel she makes an effort to make plans for us to do things as a couple... also, she has friends that are often doing things and invite her out and she sometimes (i wouldnt say always) goes...
> 
> it is easy for her to go... no worries about sitter, cheaper, spontaneous...


This just sounds like he feels a tad envious. 



> *i could do the same, hang out with my buddies, but what i really want is to hang with my wife*...i feel we have fun and when we have fun our relationship gets better etc...


This is what i was relating to. I am not mixing up his words nor am i saying his situation and mine are the same.. some things and feelings are similar yes..... but I'm not seeing how he wishes his kids were never born. I'm just seeing an "I miss being able to go out with the wife and feel like a simple babysitter so she can have fun" attitude. 



> i dont know if this makes sense but i feel in competition with a lifestyle, the single lifestyle, and i cannot compete because with kids i cannot just say, like i used to, ok i will meet u there, or whatever.... it just takes so much effort and doesn't always work even when i want to put forth the effort


This just gives me the impression that he feels he and the kids may not be so interesting to his wife as the spontaneous going out and doing whatever is. That's just how I'm seeing it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

But.. it could be exactly how your seeing it rather then how I'm interpreting it. If that's the case... then I do agree with your comment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> i dont feel she makes an effort to make plans for us to do things as a couple...


How often do you make plans for the two of you to do things as a couple? How often do you make the baby sitter arrangements?

My husband did something similar with me. For a long time he left it up to me to plan everything social. After a while it felt like he was not invested in doing things with me because he never asked me out and never went out of his way to spend time with me.

Over time, like your wife, I just stopped doing it to see if he would pick up the slack and ask me out. To see if he would ‘date’ me. Nope he did not. This is one of the many reasons that we are now divorced. He apparently did not care enough about spending time with me on ‘dates’ to make occasional arrangements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> well if i have a plan, she's up to it, but its the spontaneous things that i just cannot compete with. she also doesn't really go and make plans
> 
> i feel i should basically tell her that we need more balance and basically say that couple times a m,onth we will book sitter and go out ... no matter what
> 
> ...


When our children were younger swapped child care with friends. They children would do sleep overs and the home of the family that was taking care of them. It was fun for the kids and very good for the parents.


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