# A man's insight needed here....please...



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

I want to know what makes a man cheat...give me your # one reason...it would help me so much to understand why my hubby had a 'sexting affair' with women who is the opposite of me...totally. He told me why, but I want to see if it jives
with what he said. Thanks so much, I appreciate your honesty...its rare these days!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Every person who cheats does so for their own reasons. To you it does not matter why many other men cheat. It only matters why your husband cheated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I cheated because the intimacy in our marriage had failed to a point that I thought my options were either divorce or find a way to have my needs met outside the marriage long enough to let the kids get out of the house. It was a stupid decision, and it will end in divorce anyway. And rather than lasting the 6 to 8 years I would have needed, I lasted about 6 weeks before I realized there was no way it was going to work, and we decided to separate.

Now, the reasons WHY the intimacy are multiple and varied. As our marriage counselor said to me, the affair is often just the symptom of the problems that's visible. But it soon becomes THE problem in the marriage. Kind of like a heart attack is the results of poor diet, lifestyle choices, genetics... When it happens, it is THE thing that needs to be treated and prioritized. At that point, it's a little late to worry about how much cream you put in your coffee for the last 20 years, you know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

PBear said:


> I cheated because the intimacy in our marriage had failed to a point that I thought my options were either divorce or find a way to have my needs met outside the marriage long enough to let the kids get out of the house. It was a stupid decision, and it will end in divorce anyway. And rather than lasting the 6 to 8 years I would have needed, I lasted about 6 weeks before I realized there was no way it was going to work, and we decided to separate.
> 
> Now, the reasons WHY the intimacy are multiple and varied. As our marriage counselor said to me, the affair is often just the symptom of the problems that's visible. But it soon becomes THE problem in the marriage. Kind of like a heart attack is the results of poor diet, lifestyle choices, genetics... When it happens, it is THE thing that needs to be treated and prioritized. At that point, it's a little late to worry about how much cream you put in your coffee for the last 20 years, you know?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

There is no one theme fits all. Just to let you guys know in NY cheating is deamed as sexual intercourse with another person........I think all of this "He texted a girl a picture of his penis" or "He emails her all the time" etc etc

Except in the most serious and longterm of instances is not a affair!! A very poor decision yes a affair no!!. I'm sure others will totally disagree with that, but we are all entitled to our opinions.

I know for me playing on a computer with some cyber person would be much different then the actual act of meeting a girl and all of the others steps involved to actually having sex. One is a mouse click or two the other is a pretty serious string of events that lead up to a physical act.........at least most of the time. I really don't know how people say they are equal.

As far as why? For me it would be no other reason then something different aka something strange. Nothing my wife did or really anything she could do.

It's the old adage of steak dinner every night for 20 years sometimes you want asian? It's not even about someone being better it really just would be something different.

Good luck!!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think the primary reason with men is ego gratification. Others because they're denied intimacy at home or they may get it periodically which builds up resentment. Lack of feeling desired is another motivator.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, I'll bite.

I cheated because my wife had an affair. And it left me feeling worthless and totally, completely unattractive. 

Several years later a woman friend made a play for me -though it turned out she thought I'd be a safe and good father for her children- but as it was turning into a PA it was as if I suddenly woke up and realised what I was doing. And stopped.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife and I grew apart and distant. We were still having a decent sex life, but the intimacy, love and thrill were gone.
A woman came into my life that knew what I needed and told me what I needed to hear.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think all affairs are the result of anger and resentment by the WS toward the BS. The reasons for the anger etc vary.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

For me it was loneliness, being wanted, sex, unhappiness. My husband and I just grew apart and things that were so easy before became so hard. I wanted to feel like I mattered again. I was weak

My affair almost went psychical, but i ended it before it could. That is not the person I am or who I wanted to be.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think the primary reason with men is ego gratification.


I completely agree, adding that a loss of desire by the wife will leave a man wondering if he's still got it and will often seek to prove it. Sorta like the middle age crazies. Knowing you can attract women is more important than having sex. It where a human males DNA is similar to a male peacok's DNA. However actually having sex is the proof of the pudding. It's like my great grandmother Evangelina (Nanna) Roupell from New Iberia Louisiana use to tell my sisters " If you don want your beau out tom catin around, you keep makin him feel dat he da best ting next to booyee pie."


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> I want to know what makes a man cheat...give me your *# one reason*...it would help me so much to understand why my hubby had a 'sexting affair' with women who is the opposite of me...totally. He told me why, but I want to see if it jives
> with what he said. Thanks so much, I appreciate your honesty...its rare these days!


Opportunity is what drives *most *men *that *have affairs. Simple as that.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> There is no one theme fits all. Just to let you guys know in NY cheating is deamed as sexual intercourse with another person........I think all of this "He texted a girl a picture of his penis" or "He emails her all the time" etc etc
> 
> Except in the most serious and longterm of instances is not a affair!! A very poor decision yes a affair no!!. I'm sure others will totally disagree with that, but we are all entitled to our opinions.
> 
> I know for me playing on a computer with some cyber person would be much different then the actual act of meeting a girl and all of the others steps involved to actually having sex. One is a mouse click or two the other is a pretty serious string of events that lead up to a physical act.........at least most of the time. I really don't know how people say they are equal.


No one is saying cyber sex and physical sex are equal.

Just because they aren't equal, doesn't mean they aren't both profound betrayals of the marriage vows.

At least where I come from, my naked body is saved for my husband and is not shared, whether in real life, via photos, video, or in virtual form, with another man. The same obviously goes for him. The same goes for sex acts, whether conducted on the phone, over the computer, via words, photos, video, or in person.

So while there's a lot of stuff you don't have to worry about with cyber sex--STDs and pregnancy, to give just two examples--cyber sex with a third party for many people is contrary to marriage and most people would not understand or tolerate it.

Now, if you and your spouse are able to agree that one or both of you engaging in cyber sex is all right, and not a betrayal, well you are entitled to make that arrangement in advance. But most people do not feel that way, and you are the one who needs to understand that, not the other way around.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> No one is saying cyber sex and physical sex are equal.
> 
> Just because they aren't equal, doesn't mean they aren't both profound betrayals of the marriage vows.
> 
> ...


I agree its wrong, messed up, a betrayal, hurtful, flirty, etc I don't and wouldn't call it a affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> I think all affairs are the result of anger and resentment by the WS toward the BS. The reasons for the anger etc vary.


I disagree with the "all affairs" bit.

Yes many affairs are for the reason you state. Some are not.

Both of my husbands cheated.

The first cheated on and off from time we were dating until about 4 years into the marriage. For the last 7 years of our marriage he refused any intimacy with me and cheated even more. I did not find out about this cheating for a long time, mostly because I trusted him when he was involved in activities I was not involved in.

My first husband felt that it was a man's right to cheat. He actually told me that. He after openly cheated on his mother through their entire marriage. 

My second again cheated from the very beginning of our engagement until I caught him at it after about 1.5 years into our marriage. So that was for about 3.5 years. He said that he was happy with me, our marriage, etc. He just traveled a lot and it was easy and nice to have the online female friends and dates in some of the cities he traveled to.

Again his father cheated on his mother and it was widely known that the father did this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I agree its wrong, messed up, a betrayal, hurtful, flirty, etc I don't and wouldn't call it a affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you aware of how emotionally involved people can get with their online relationships? It can get to the point where a person is so involved with the person online that they completely abondon their spouse emotionally. These relationships do often lead to the online lovers meeting each other in person.

Till you have lived through a spouse doing this, I really don't think you can understand the devistation this can have on a marriage.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

She was looking good, and I thought "I'd like to try that." 

Then it was one step after another. Simple as that.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Are you aware of how emotionally involved people can get with their online relationships? It can get to the point where a person is so involved with the person online that they completely abondon their spouse emotionally. These relationships do often lead to the online lovers meeting each other in person.
> 
> Till you have lived through a spouse doing this, I really don't think you can understand the devistation this can have on a marriage.


I do!! I've seen people get that way over online relationships and video games........pretty similar from the outside looking in.

That's definitely not what I'm talking about and most guys aren't doing that. Most guys are looking at websites, chat sites, sex sites, video cam, affair sites, just being guys making poor choices.

I agree with the example you gave those types are just fewer and farther between then the guy just clicking the mouse.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I do!! I've seen people get that way over *online relationships and video games*........pretty similar from the outside looking in.
> 
> That's definitely not what I'm talking about and most guys aren't doing that. Most guys are looking at websites, chat sites, sex sites, video cam, affair sites, just being guys making poor choices.
> 
> I agree with the example you gave those types are just fewer and farther between then the guy just clicking the mouse.


That's how I met the men I had EAs with...and how my husband met his. ALL on one stupid video game.... Those things are breeding grounds for EAs. WoW is one of the worst I heard, and that's the one we experienced. Very real. Very hurtful. It even pushed my husband to have suicidal thoughts, and intentions, at one time. Yes, he is getting help.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone...some of your insights are amazing! It helped to hear that he wasn't "really" cheating because the actual sex act didn't happen....and I want to clarify that it wasn't just some random girl...it was an ex girlfriend from 20 years ago and they had their first sexual experience together. 
He told me that if was for 'ego' gratification...we had grown apart...we had a good sex life, just no connection...the intimacy was gone. Funny how I thought that I missed it more that he did. I wasn't aware that men need that connection too or as much.
Some of you are really not calling this an affair...and that is fair. I secretly am VERY glad that they didn't have sex, but I will say this...the talk, the pictures and the connection they were having by texting eachother, sure felt like it to me. I'm sorry to you all, if I am putting myself in the "he had an affair" category. It was not my intention to make more of my situation than it is...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Are you aware of how emotionally involved people can get with their online relationships? It can get to the point where a person is so involved with the person online that they completely abondon their spouse emotionally. These relationships do often lead to the online lovers meeting each other in person.
> 
> Till you have lived through a spouse doing this, I really don't think you can understand the devistation this can have on a marriage.


You hit the nail on the head with this. From personal experience, this is dead on.. The only thing here is that my husband neglected me, long before i looked elsewhere (and i wasn't really looking). I am not justifying my actions, it was wrong of me to have an affair emotional or psychical. However it was wrong of my husband to neglect me in every sense of the word. Cheating is not who I am or who I want to become.. If you are at this point in your relationship, LEAVE or try to work it out, if you can't work it out then leave before you cheat..

Cheating is for cowards who don't want to face reality!!! Just my 2 cents


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Mostly more of the same from me. The intimacy had waned in our marriage although neither of us realized it. OW arrived one day on facebook and just stepped into a void I didn't even know I had. It was a recipe for disaster, not knowing I was missing something set me up for poor boundaries, I had no boundaries for an online situation, she was an old flame from HS. Long story short I cheated because I was weak. And yes - the ego stroke was huge.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

beachbabe said:


> I want to know what makes a man cheat...give me your # one reason...it would help me so much to understand why my hubby had a 'sexting affair' with women who is the opposite of me...totally. He told me why, but I want to see if it jives
> with what he said. Thanks so much, I appreciate your honesty...its rare these days!


My H had an EA sexting, swapped nude photos. But they also worked together. He explained that is was an opportunity he was not smart enough to pass up. I know it feed his ego and became a fun little game. The OW was my opposite in every way. Literally other then our gender we shared nothing in common with the exception of being attracted to my H. 

Each person actions is based off of them and what is going on around them at the time. Nothing justifies it nothing. There will never be a reason that my H could give to me that would excuse or validate what he did to me and our marriage. I will never understand why and nothing he says is going to do anything but give me insight to his thoughts and actions at the time but it will never make sense to me.


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## AJaxGrafton (Nov 21, 2012)

I have never cheated but it crossed my mind when I was married. Just for the adventure, something different.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I never cheated but, came close a couple of times. First time was because I felt powerful and good about myself and wasn't getting the attention I wanted(read intimacy).

Second time was simply because of a lack of intimacy. 

In both cases, my conscience would not allow me to do any more than talk. In neither case did the conversation about cheating last more than a total, when added together of two hours and I believe it was less than that.

I got to the point quickly, made a decision not to cheat and stuck with it.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

I cheated because we had basically started living separate lives in the house, W would come in and do all the work. meals/kids/housework , I would come in from work and smoke weed until the early hours, busy work lives busy kids etc.... When I found myself on a conference and ONS made it known interest I went along with it ... Feeling wanted played a big part... When all I needed to do was to shape up and pay my W some interest and help her. Vicious circle with drastic consequences. Needed to talk more to W and MAKE some time for us instead of getting dragged down by daily life and drugs (escapism) springs to mind as I'm writing this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> I want to know what makes a man cheat...give me your # one reason...it would help me so much to understand why my hubby had a 'sexting affair' with women who is the opposite of me...totally. He told me why, but I want to see if it jives
> with what he said. Thanks so much, I appreciate your honesty...its rare these days!


I had an EA which very nearly went PA because I was so badly broken by my wife's affair that I really did not know what I was doing.

Not really sure my answer will be of help. But I hope you and your husband are going to do OK.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It's exciting, the marriage isn't.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I had an EA which very nearly went PA because I was so badly broken by my wife's affair that I really did not know what I was doing.
> 
> Not really sure my answer will be of help. But I hope you and your husband are going to do OK.


You've answered this thread twice now MattMatt!


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> I want to know what makes a man cheat...give me your # one reason...it would help me so much to understand why my hubby had a 'sexting affair' with women who is the opposite of me...totally. He told me why, but I want to see if it jives
> with what he said. Thanks so much, I appreciate your honesty...its rare these days!


I cannot answer this.
I have never cheated on any girl I have been with, and am in all honesty incapable of doing so, probably some kind of autistic black & white sense of right & wrong that I have.

Not that it has done me much good.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiancé had, at best, an inappropriate relationship with his (fly by night ie. 3 months) ex or one could interpret it as an EA.

Our relationships overlapped as he insisted she was just a friend and then he remained in contact with her without letting me know. Having snooped, I was armed with evidence that he was treating her (she who was doing OLD and seeing one guy in particular and whom he called "just a friend") better than he was treating me who was faithful to him and whom he called his gf.

So I raised the issue. After a few discussions, everything fell into place as I wanted it to including his cutting ties to her and to their mutual friend. 

Shirley Glass in her book "Not Just Friends" enumerates, among other possibilities, that partners stray because they are NOT giving enough to the relationship. And perhaps, that could have the situation that I was in. Most people do continue doing something that they know is wrong until they are asked to stop..... that is beg for forgiveness instead of permission. 

The other possibility is that people are looking for complements in their lives. My fiancé is a fan of heavy metal and indie bands. this woman already followed that type of music. 

but we sometimes can't have one without the other. too many people "hang out" with someone of the opposite sex and then at some juncture on the relationship want to accuse the other of "leading them on" as this woman did. Some married partners will fall for that forgetting the ultimate vows and promises that they made to their "lawful wedded" spouse. 

I have certainly pointed out to my fiancé that while I like cycling and he doesn't, I find a meetup group to do it with, not some single guy.

The other possibility is that the AP exhibits personality traits that the straying partner misses /values. I think my fiancé's AP was feisty and challenging. I remember to be that way sometimes.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I agree its wrong, messed up, a betrayal, hurtful, flirty, etc I don't and wouldn't call it a affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Emotional affairs are often more damaging than sexual ones. Your statements that an affair requires physical penitration just show your lack of experience and understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Lack of boundaries .


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