# OW's husband finally agreed to talk to me!



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi All:

A lot of you likely know my story. I am a betrayed spouse. 

I tried R, and it was a false one. 

After about four months into R, even though it made my spouse angry, I contacted the other man because I found out through gossip that there marriage was fine, and the OWs spouse was oblivious to the affair. Meanwhile she was spreading all sorts of gossip about still seeing my spouse and there was plenty of gossip about her in my town. 

The OWs, husband would not initially talk to me, refused to believe what I said, and would not look and proof I had such as texts, emails, voice mails, etc.

He now has contacted me. He hired a detective and learned the truth. His wife is a serial cheater including one nighters, and several long term affairs. 

He is wealthy. And, obviously angry at my STBEH. 

He wants to help me by paying for a better attorney. The one I have, he said, is good, but not a pit bull, like the one he will pay for.

I agreed to meet with him for coffee to show him emails, but not sure what to make of the attorney issue. 

I realize he wants to lash out at my STBEH. I am ambivalent about that. 

He is also divorcing his wife. 

He is most angry at his own cheating wife because she denied and lied for so long, after he first confronted her. 

Apparently what she did was she started treating him extra nice, with more sex, and being as sweet and loving as she could be, meanwhile, the the detective found out she was still having one nighters.

Any advice about the better attorney issue. I live in a state where I can file fault, but it is more expensive. If he pays, that eliminates the price issue. 

Problem is I am not sure if I want to hire a pit bull attorney to totally trash my STBEH

All advice is welcome.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara -- you are in the right forum. People will offer great advice here.

Just a couple of questions -- 

Does you stbxh know that he was just one of many ?? I ask because once he finds out he may come running back to you. Just be prepared.

Why do you want to protect stbxh ??


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Nice thing about being wealthy is you can hire someone to do all D-Day and false R discoveries for you, huh.

If you go with his attorney you'll owe him. Since you can afford yours already, and trashing your husband wasn't in your plans, I see no point.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Sara, what is your ultimate goal? Do you want a fair settlement, and is your stbxh willing to give you one? 

Or do you want to destroy him? If this is the case, then by all means take the OWH up on his offer. However, I would have him give me cash upfront because, to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, the rich are different from us. He might change his mind in the middle of the divorce and you'd be left with a huge legal bill.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I like pit bull attorneys. 

That being said, it all depends on what YOU want out of the divorce. A basic divorce settles at 50-50 regardless of the "drama". The "drama" could get you a better share of the marital assets or your "pick" of the assets, but it obviously won't get you 100%.

Pit Bull attorneys are good at humiliating the WS. Maybe some of justice is felt when the WS is finally put in their place, but the end game is pretty standard. If you are in for humiliating your WS, then that's the best kind of attorney to have.

And the OWH will pay for it? Marvelous! However, if you can prove infidelity against your WS, it is also possible that the WS will end up paying your attorney fees as well. The OWH is also a victim. Your WS is not. But maybe the OWH will be willing to share evidence with your attorney?

I'm so glad to hear that the OWH is no longer doubtful about his W and your informing him. It's nice of him to offer, but all you really need from him is the evidence he discovers. And, if OWH gets himself a pitbull lawyer, it should really be fun.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I don't like the idea of you being financially dependent on a man who is acting in an emotionally heightened state of mind. He MIGHT leave you holding the financial bag with the expensive pitbull divorce attorney if for whatever reason he changes his mind and chooses to R with his serial cheating wife.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Sara -- you are in the right forum. People will offer great advice here.
> 
> Just a couple of questions --
> 
> ...


STBEH claimed he didn't know about the one nighters and such. 

But he was fully aware that she had several prior long term affairs.

I don't really want to protect STBEH. I just really wanted to split our assists and get the alimony I am entitled too. 

I don't really, want to crush the STBEH. The OW's is very wealthy, he pampered his wife and also by the OWs own admission, did not cheat on her. 

The OW's husband is in the very very enraged state because the truth of her infidelity was only verified by the detective about a week ago.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

How nice of him. However, aren't you considering the possibility that this nicety may have some hidden catch? Like he is into getting the classic revenge (cheated on cheat the cheaters with each other) with you?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> STBEH claimed he didn't know about the one nighters and such.
> 
> But he was fully aware that she had several prior long term affairs.
> 
> ...


He is most definitely in "crush and humiliate" mode.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Sara, what is your ultimate goal? Do you want a fair settlement, and is your stbxh willing to give you one?
> 
> Or do you want to destroy him? If this is the case, then by all means take the OWH up on his offer. However, I would have him give me cash upfront because, to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, the rich are different from us. He might change his mind in the middle of the divorce and you'd be left with a huge legal bill.


I don't want to destroy anyone, really not even OW. I hate her, but think she has issues.

The OWs wealthy husband DID offer to give me the cash rather than have me trust him to pay.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, take up his offer. An offer like this seldom happens. You should try to get as much as you can, and here's your chance.

Make sure you have an agreement to pay in writing and in advance, preferably drafted up by a different lawyer and money held in trust. You do not want to be stuck paying the pitbull lawyer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Attorney's can be expensive, very expensive - how far is he really wiling to go?

One suggestion might be to use both. Stay with yours, but if the OWH is willing, to have him pay a consulting fee to the pit bull attorney which would give you access to him for questions, suggestions, and strategy, but would let you retain your own.

That way if the OMW changes his mind you aren't let holding any bag.

It sounds like among all the OW other men, her husband intends to make you husband a prime example. 

So using this pit bull as a consultant will be helpful to you and your case since he will be able to see the bigger picture of the OW and your WH.

Yes, I'd accept then, but only to use him for a number of hours as a helper to you and your lawyer.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I like pit bull attorneys.
> 
> 
> Pit Bull attorneys are good at humiliating the WS. Maybe some of justice is felt when the WS is finally put in their place, but the end game is pretty standard. If you are in for humiliating your WS, then that's the best kind of attorney to have.
> ...


The humiliating aspect is soooo danged tempting. I am just not really into it. 

I agree that STBEH will be paying for the legal bills anyway, but it does come out of the marital assets, so it will cost me, too. 

Yes, he will share evidence. 

One thing that scares me a bit, is STBEH does not want a divorce and he has made some spiteful comments about holding things up to waste marital assets.

Those things were said only once during an argument.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> I don't like the idea of you being financially dependent on a man who is acting in an emotionally heightened state of mind. He MIGHT leave you holding the financial bag with the expensive pitbull divorce attorney if for whatever reason he changes his mind and chooses to R with his serial cheating wife.


Thanks Mori. 

I did discuss the financially dependent part and he offered cash upfront.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> How nice of him. However, aren't you considering the possibility that this nicety may have some hidden catch? Like he is into getting the classic revenge (cheated on cheat the cheaters with each other) with you?


He is the same age as his wife, so he's 20 years younger than I am. 

He was also very respectful and never mentioned a revenge affair between us or any type of ongoing relationship. 

He simply said he was surprised that I was in his words "so attractive and nice" and he could not understand why my STBEH would cheat. 

Of course, he didn't understand why his STBEW would cheat on him either.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> He is most definitely in "crush and humiliate" mode.


Without a doubt.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I'd thank him for his offer, but would not take the money. He's probably being genuine and is now grateful to you for helping him know the truth, but I'm never a fan of taking money from family or friends (let alone OWHs) even if it's no hardship to them. Changes the equal dynamic of the relationship. 

But thankfully his willingness and ability to go all out with a PI helped you both! Good luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> I'd thank him for his offer, but would not take the money. He's probably being genuine and is now grateful to you for helping him know the truth, but I'm never a fan of taking money from family or friends (let alone OWHs) even if it's no hardship to them. Changes the equal dynamic of the relationship.
> 
> But thankfully his willingness and ability to go all out with a PI helped you both! Good luck...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's sort of along the same lines of my thought patterns.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> That's sort of along the same lines of my thought patterns.


Maybe I'm wrong but you should mention the offer to your STBXH. Might make him think twice about holding anything up.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> The humiliating aspect is soooo danged tempting. I am just not really into it.
> 
> I agree that STBEH will be paying for the legal bills anyway, but it does come out of the marital assets, so it will cost me, too.
> 
> ...


Ahhh! And your right about the lawyer fees (both) coming out of the marital assets. I had not thought of that part. You might want to consider the offer then, in exchange (again) for sharing evidence. If the OWH has evidence against YOUR STBXH, all the better and vice versa (evidence).

I read your earlier post in which he said he'd pay in advance (cash) for your pit-bull. That sounds great! In that way you won't get stuck with the bill. 

I'm really happy for you, Sara, that the OWH is finally awake and supportive of you. I see no downside to taking his offer in light of the "marital assets" issue.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Maybe I'm wrong but you should mention the offer to your STBXH. Might make him think twice about holding anything up.


Never thought of that. That might work!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I'm really happy for you, Sara, that the OWH is finally awake and supportive of you. I see no downside to taking his offer in light of the "marital assets" issue.


Thanks survivor wife, and all others who have responded, for being in my corner.

Being a BS can get really lonely sometimes. IMO, only other people who have been betrayed can really ever understand. 

I don't think even the betraying spouse can ever understand, until they experience a betrayal of their own.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree with the posters saying to not accept the money. I would decline graciously and offer instead to share information between you two as new things come up. That can be done on a handshake without the exchange of funds or obligations.

There seems to be a lengthening list of us suburban Chicago members on here. This ridiculously hot weather isn't helping with our anger stages.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Movie indecent proposal.

Dont owe money to anyone. Thank him for his offer and ask him to share any evidence he gathered which may help you in your D.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Sara - it is tricky to have someone pay for your attorney. You can tell him "thanks, but I'll take a raincheck, pending how contentious the D is." If your H is reasonable, just move along. What you should do is make up a list of what you want and talk to your attorney. If your attorney says you cannot get this, talk to the OWSTBEH's attorney. 

Also, do not forget that it is never a bad thing to have wealthy friends.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He was also very respectful and never mentioned a revenge affair between us or any type of ongoing relationship.
> 
> He simply said he was surprised that I was in his words "so attractive and nice" and he could not understand why my STBEH would cheat.


Seems like you're a hot MILF so you are fair game...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Even though you and the OWH are 20 years apart, age wise, that doesn't mean that the two of you can't become good friends. You being the big sister to him, the little brother. It would certainly give his STBXW and your STBXH the sh!ts to know that the two of you had become best buds. :rofl:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I would be tempted I have to admit...

First though, I would probably tell your stbeh about the offer and warn him that if he decides to hold things up then you are going to go thru with this offer.

Good luck to you!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old is this OW?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Dunno about destroying anyone, but, if you have the means, you should definitely get a lawyer who will protect you and get you a fair settlement.

Now, if he keeps making idle threats, all bets are off.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Wow dignified to the end, I'm really proud of you Sara.

To be honest, if you don't feel like vaporising your husband in the divorce proceedings and you just want to move on with your life, I wouldn't take his money. As tempting as it is, indifference is the best revenge to his infidelity and you'll feel better for taking the high road in the end.

Which ever decision you choose however, I'm fully supportive. Your Husband was a POS to you and he deserves a taste of his own medicine. Best of luck.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Wow, this is certainly an interesting development.

Sara, we don't always agree when we post our thoughts but I know the pain you have endured through this ordeal. When I saw this my inner BS screamed "FRY HIM!" But my more logical and thoughtful side counseled a more balanced approach would be prudent. This has given you a lot more options and I think the one that I feel might suit your situation is the one Shaggy suggested about keeping your lawyer and using the pit bull as a consultant. I completely understand the loneliness you speak of. I didn't have access to a site like TAM but I did have some family I could rely on and lots of good friends that were willing to help. Now you also have the OWH as an ally and someone who you know shares your pain. I commend you on taking the high road and asking....no demanding only what is fair. I know the temptation to "FRY HIM" must be great but I think you're doing the right thing by refusing to stoop to your STBXH's level. The one thing I would suggest is that you do not disclose this to your ex. The less he knows the better. Maybe you should simply tell him that there is a lot more going on behind the scene than he is aware of and it would be in his best interest to play nice. Let his hamster run around for a while trying to figure out what you mean.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How old is this OW?


30s


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> As tempting as it is, indifference is the best revenge to his infidelity and you'll feel better for taking the high road in the end.


Thank you, Complexity, and point well taken.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sara8, you're one of my favorite posters here at TAM, and I'm happy for you that OW is finally going to suffer consequences after having rubbed the affair in your face for so long.

I agree with the other posters who have said that you should gracefully decline the offer but offer to share any evidence, and to let him know if you need his help, you will ask for it. But also use it as leverage against your STBXH that if he drags out the divorce, that the OWH is willing to help you.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Wow, this is certainly an interesting development.
> 
> Sara, we don't always agree when we post our thoughts but I know the pain you have endured through this ordeal. When I saw this my inner BS screamed "FRY HIM!" But my more logical and thoughtful side counseled a more balanced approach would be prudent. This has given you a lot more options and I think the one that I feel might suit your situation is the one Shaggy suggested about keeping your lawyer and using the pit bull as a consultant. I completely understand the loneliness you speak of. I didn't have access to a site like TAM but I did have some family I could rely on and lots of good friends that were willing to help. Now you also have the OWH as an ally and someone who you know shares your pain. I commend you on taking the high road and asking....no demanding only what is fair. I know the temptation to "FRY HIM" must be great but I think you're doing the right thing by refusing to stoop to your STBXH's level. The one thing I would suggest is that you do not disclose this to your ex. The less he knows the better. Maybe you should simply tell him that there is a lot more going on behind the scene than he is aware of and it would be in his best interest to play nice. Let his hamster run around for a while trying to figure out what you mean.


I understand your feelings. I vacillate back and forth but agree that I likely will not vaporize STBEH.

I like the "hamster" concept. 

BTW: I don't mind that we disagree, sometimes. I enjoy reading your posts have referred others who want to reconcile to them, to give them hope, and I still learn something from reading your thoughts even if I may not fully agree with them.

You are right too, the OWH definitely gave the feeling of being an ally. He seemed nice and sincere, and very wounded by his pampered wife's betrayal.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Sara8, you're one of my favorite posters here at TAM, and I'm happy for you that OW is finally going to suffer consequences after having rubbed the affair in your face for so long.
> 
> I agree with the other posters who have said that you should gracefully decline the offer but offer to share any evidence, and to let him know if you need his help, you will ask for it. But also use it as leverage against your STBXH that if he drags out the divorce, that the OWH is willing to help you.


Thank You, LM. That was so kind and I mean it when I say right back atcha'. You are one of my favorite posters here, too.

I agree, sharing evidence and remaining friendly, and keeping options open for leverage, if needed, will be helpful enough.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Hi All:
> 
> A lot of you likely know my story. I am a betrayed spouse.
> 
> ...


Well if he was loyal then let me say this. If he's attractive, wealthy, loved his STBXW, and wants to meet for coffee. 
EXCELLENT PERSON TO DATE REAL HARD AND MARRY THE **** OUT OF (read gotta love pintrest humor). just sayin.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Sara,
> 
> I quickly went through some of your threads and had a few quick questions:
> 
> ...


I don't have proof of other affairs. but other people told me they saw him at a bars on supposed Boy's night out talking in an intimate way to various women. They didn't have proof and said they were not touching when they saw him with the women.

The affair I discovered was claimed to be about six months. I have received letters that say it was much longer like two years.

The OW has no money of her own, but her family is upper middle class and they will likely help her, if she asks. But they are no where near as wealthy as his family of Billionaires. 

If she crosses him, she's toast apparently. The OWs husband is a really nice guy, but he is wounded and wounded people with money can get mean in the early stages before he moves on to the acceptance phase.

I don't need the money from him, we have done well from our businesses. All of which I contributed start up capital of an equal amount and worked in for many years until he asked me, a few years ago to quit. Said he preferred me to be home, now that the businesses were doing well. (hmms is their a pattern there?)

So, the lawyer says I will do well in the settlement.

The businesses all can run well without either of us around and that is why he has so much free time.

But I do hear what you are saying. 

I don't really want to fry him. I just want to move on. He is very peter pan-nish, but he does have a lot of nice qualities. I guess that is why I was so blind and blindsided.

Some times I want to crush him, but rarely and mostly I don't.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I agree with the posters saying to not accept the money. I would decline graciously and offer instead to share information between you two as new things come up. That can be done on a handshake without the exchange of funds or obligations.
> 
> There seems to be a lengthening list of us suburban Chicago members on here. This ridiculously hot weather isn't helping with our anger stages.


:iagree: :iagree:

I personally do not think I would take the money... however, I would definitely continue to talk to OWH and keep him as a friend to talk to who knows exactly what you are going through. 

And I also agree... this heat and no rain sucks.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Sara,

You are a very strong, classy, intelligent woman. He will be crushed when he realizes what he has lost. You keep your morality intact and your conscience clean. Someday you will look at him and feel absolutely zero. That will be the best revenge.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sara,

Just reading your thoughts and comments in this thread has shown what an amazing woman you are.

It made me realize how stupid your husband really is.

With respect to the OWH. I think having him as an ally is the best choice. He is definitely hurting, especially if his DDAY was only a week ago.

*Do not let this D change you as a person.*

And your STBXH should be told that he is lucky you do not want to destroy him.

Because you now have the means to do it!

HM64


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I'm so glad OWH finally opened his eyes.

I'm also glad he's working with you. I agree that you should share evidence with him and keep him as an ally.

As for the money and the offer of the pit bull lawyer, well as long as your STBXH plays fair, then I see no need for it. However, considering what he's done, I would be leery so I'd keep it as an option. Not for the purpose of revenge but to protect yourself. Your H has hurt you enough and I don't think it's vindictive of you to protect yourself from further hurt, Sara.

I really hope this works out in your favour. You didn't deserve any of this and your H is a damn fool.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JB100 said:


> The OW sounds like a skank. Multiple LTAs and ONS? Is she a trophy wife or something? Because who cheats on a billionaire unless they are a trophy wife?
> 
> Oh and is the OW going to make out like a bandit in her divorce? I hope the OW's husband had a prenuptial agreement.
> 
> Is your husband and the OW going to live together after the D?


She only thinks she is a trophy wife. She mentioned being one to my STBEH, but OW and her husband are the same age, a trophy wife is usually younger. 

She complained in the emails I was sent that her husband was pasty white, hairy and ugly. She said she felt like vomiting when she saw him naked. 

Yes. She will likely get half. I checked public records. They own lots of properties and the OM put everything in her name. 

She will get half and at least 3 years rehabilitative alimony. She bragged about getting half. 

No, my STBEH does not want a real relationship with her.

Her husband wants the kids, but needs to prove neglect on her part. With the serial cheating and GNO and ONS that will likely be easier to do.

I don't see the OW as attractive. She is pudgy for a young women and got even fatter after the affair was outed. 

I am not a good judge of her looks, but others have told me that they don't find her attractive at all. Both men and women. 

MY STBEH, though, Has argued with me about how attractive she is. I really don't get it because he always said he hated plumb women and like fit women.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Cheating is incredibly irrational. It really comes down to availibility. The other person has to be okay with betraying marriage. Many people won't stand for that, so cheaters have to take their partners as they find them.

Biology smooths over the lumps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Cheating is incredibly irrational. It really comes down to availibility. The other person has to be okay with betraying marriage. Many people won't stand for that, so cheaters have to take their partners as they find them.
> 
> Biology smooths over the lumps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree. I think he has to convince himself she was good looking because of his ego.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Hi Sara. Good luck with this. Sorry I missed this thread yesterday. Hectic week at work.

I have to agree with many of the others in that while the OWH's offer is very generous, it would be best to remain independent if possible. You're a very moral person and that shows , even after your CH has done what he has. You still have enough respect not to toast him completely, even if you could. You're maintaining your dignity above all else. Good for you.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I'd so let him pay for it. But then again I'm in a place where I'd be on welfare even if we divided things. I'd let him pay for the pit bull to make him pay me big time. I've told my FWH if he ever does this again he had best get a much better job because he will pay. He wanted me at home all of these years so he will be paying for that home until I own it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm also trying to figure out the downside to letting someone you don't know well to pay your legal fees. OTOH, I'm all for conserving what little I have. Since you're already talking to a lawyer, ask him/her if you need to protect yourself from this benefactor.


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## lynn-23 (Jul 28, 2014)

I would be interested to know what ever happened here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lynn-23 said:


> I would be interested to know what ever happened here.


Sara was banned. Her story is probably not true.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Sara was banned. Her story is probably *now* true.




should be **NOT**


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sara8 said:


> STBEH does not want a divorce and he has made some spiteful comments about holding things up to waste marital assets.


Well, there you go. 

Use the OW's H's money to DRIVE this thing. 

You can always relent on the other side of the divorce. But on THIS side, YOU are the one who will get screwed. Please trust us on that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Sara was banned. Her story is probably not true.


After 1800 posts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aug said:


> should be **NOT**


Opps.. fixed it, thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> After 1800 posts?


Good point.

But she is banned.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 isn't coming back to update. I'm closing this zombie thread now.


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