# Question for you ladies about performance anxiety/ED



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I've been dating this gal for about a month. I'm currently separated and soon to be divorced. I've dated a few women since being separated, and the first few times is generally a bit awkward, and I psych myself up for failure and of course it's a self fulfilling prophecy. 

I've been in bed with this woman 3 times now - the first two times there was oral for each of us, and I was semi erect - I know the plumbing works fine physically, it's totally a mental thing. Throw condoms into the mix and I'm doomed. They instantly kill my erection (again - this is psychological). With the last woman I was seeing, it took a few times before I got comfortable, then everything worked just fine. However, we didn't use condoms - bad , I know.

With this current woman, we won't do it without condoms - so it's causing me issues. The last (3rd time) we were in bed, we just made out because it was her time of the month. I'm getting more comfortable with her, and she puts no pressure on me for penis-in-vagina sex. She really enjoys the oral. So it seems I'm more worried about it than her.

Of course I'm already worried about not getting it up for our next encounter - the vicious, VICIOUS cycle!!

Anyway - my questions are:


Have most women experienced this with a guy at some point?

Do you realize it's anxiety and how do you feel about it?

Does it bother you or are you understanding/sympathetic?

What would you recommend I do about it? Just keep trying, go slow and not worry? Talk to her about it?

How have you dealt with this issue with your man?

I suspect, I HOPE with time and patience and getting to know each other and getting more comfortable with each other that I will get past this. 

I hate that those stupid things are so wired into our psyche!

Thanks ladies. Gents, feel free to chime in if you have anything to offer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Question for you ladies about performance anxiety*

1. I have
2. I assume it may be
3. If it continues to happen/is a pattern, yes it bothers me
4. Be honest and communicate. Talk. 

You say everything works fine so it sounds like it's just an anxiety thing for you which is normal. New relationships can bring anxiety on. Now, if continues to happen when you are in a long-term relationship, habitually, then in that case, you should see a professional.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there's no shame in getting ED pills


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

*Re: Question for you ladies about performance anxiety*



Jellybeans said:


> 1. I have
> 2. I assume it may be
> 3. If it continues to happen/is a pattern, yes it bothers me
> 4. Be honest and communicate. Talk.
> ...


Thanks! Yes, just total anxiety. I'm really trying not to focus on it and just enjoying her body and the sensations and the closeness. 

The way I got over it with the last woman I was seeing was by listening to an ED hypnosis thing, and it seemed to work. Maybe I should consider going to see a professional hypnotist or sex therapist? Or just not stress it now as it's so early in the relationship?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> there's no shame in getting ED pills


I have a script for Cialis. It worked for me a couple times in the past, but then nothing the last time I took it. I wonder if I should try Viagra or Levitra. I feel like if I can get past the first time, I'll be OK going forward.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look, not everyone is going to be ON all the time.

It happens!

Communication is key!

If you want to do the hypnotist or sex terapist, have at it. It's your life, you can do what you want!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Look, not everyone is going to be ON all the time.
> 
> It happens!
> 
> ...


K, if it happens again next time, I'll talk to her. It's awful, because I have this gorgeous, naked woman in my bed and all I'm doing is worrying about that stupid organ and what it is/isn't doing. Stoopid brain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop focusing on your organ so much and enjoy her beautiful, naked body


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Stop focusing on your organ so much and enjoy her beautiful, naked body


Right?? 

I'm a silly man.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why not see your doc, get like 6 viagra or cialis
after a few uses your confidence will return and you probably dont have to use them again


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, get some pills. A few times of not having those issues and it might change your head around so that the issue is gone forever.

You know, your post made me have to kind of turn the question around on you or on men....men....when you are newly in a relationship, do you realize that having an O is difficult for some women? That many of us really would love to just pop one off when the wind changes directions, but instead, we can be surrounded in a mental cloud that has us trapped and unable to see through it? And that in many cases, there is nothing YOU can do to "make" us see through that heavy cloud? That is isn't about you? And so many women will fake it just to not have to deal with YOUR disappointment on top of their own?

Just curious.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, get some pills. A few times of not having those issues and it might change your head around so that the issue is gone forever.
> 
> You know, your post made me have to kind of turn the question around on you or on men....men....when you are newly in a relationship, do you realize that having an O is difficult for some women? That many of us really would love to just pop one off when the wind changes directions, but instead, we can be surrounded in a mental cloud that has us trapped and unable to see through it? And that in many cases, there is nothing YOU can do to "make" us see through that heavy cloud? That is isn't about you? And so many women will fake it just to not have to deal with YOUR disappointment on top of their own?
> 
> Just curious.


I understand that completely, and in fact, my SO warned me of that fact before we began sleeping together. Didn't matter though, she popped one off the very first time when I went down on her, and hasn't stopped since 

Now the ED issue...I went through that as well, and my SO did not deal well with it at all to begin with. She flat out told me that she had never had that happen with before. The first month or so, I was not able to get it up about 75% of the time. We are almost a year into our relationship, and most of the time, things work perfectly, though every so often, it takes a bit of coaxing, but I have not had a complete failure in months, so it does get better. The little blue pill helps too  We have been having sex 7-10 times per week, and often more since the beginning.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, get some pills. A few times of not having those issues and it might change your head around so that the issue is gone forever.
> 
> You know, your post made me have to kind of turn the question around on you or on men....men....when you are newly in a relationship, do you realize that having an O is difficult for some women? That many of us really would love to just pop one off when the wind changes directions, but instead, we can be surrounded in a mental cloud that has us trapped and unable to see through it? And that in many cases, there is nothing YOU can do to "make" us see through that heavy cloud? That is isn't about you? And so many women will fake it just to not have to deal with YOUR disappointment on top of their own?
> 
> Just curious.


That makes sense - it's probably the exact same thing at work that inhibits your potential orgasm. I suspect with time, getting to know each other better, increased intimacy, etc, they become easier to achieve. 

Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I understand that completely, and in fact, my SO warned me of that fact before we began sleeping together. Didn't matter though, she popped one off the very first time when I went down on her, and hasn't stopped since
> 
> Now the ED issue...I went through that as well, and my SO did not deal well with it at all to begin with. She flat out told me that she had never had that happen with before. The first month or so, I was not able to get it up about 75% of the time. We are almost a year into our relationship, and most of the time, things work perfectly, though every so often, it takes a bit of coaxing, but I have not had a complete failure in months, so it does get better. The little blue pill helps too  We have been having sex 7-10 times per week, and often more since the beginning.


Yikes - her telling you that couldn't have helped the sitch...

Like I said, Cialis didn't work for me last time. Perhaps I'll try V instead...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?"

Yes, of course. And not only that, if you don't have them easily and freely, then there is something wrong with you, all normal healthy women have them left and right...or that is how women are sometimes made to feel. There are some women who will never have any anxeity performance problem ever in their lives, and they are happy and lucky. But for other women who do have issues in this area, there is no real help from others (as it is an internal issue anyway) and there are many times slights and insults coming from many directions.

But definitely try a V sometime. I had a gf who was seeing a guy who claimed he was completely ED, no hope of any recovery. She accepted that, but also asked him to at least try a V a few times. He did, it worked, and after that, he NEVER had an issue again. Sometimes it can happen that way.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?"
> 
> Yes, of course. And not only that, if you don't have them easily and freely, then there is something wrong with you, all normal healthy women have them left and right...or that is how women are sometimes made to feel. There are some women who will never have any anxeity performance problem ever in their lives, and they are happy and lucky. But for other women who do have issues in this area, there is no real help from others (as it is an internal issue anyway) and there are many times slights and insults coming from many directions.
> 
> But definitely try a V sometime. I had a gf who was seeing a guy who claimed he was completely ED, no hope of any recovery. She accepted that, but also asked him to at least try a V a few times. He did, it worked, and after that, he NEVER had an issue again. Sometimes it can happen that way.


I think it's awful for men or women to be made to feel bad about any kind of performance anxiety. I'm sorry to hear there are people who are idiots about it. If I experienced that with a woman, I would be understanding and open to do anything to help...even if it was just listening and being understanding. 

I wasn't aware of the stigma some women face.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Healer said:


> That makes sense - it's probably the exact same thing at work that inhibits your potential orgasm. I suspect with time, getting to know each other better, increased intimacy, etc, they become easier to achieve.
> 
> Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?


Hell yeah they do. A womans orgasm is tied very heavily in the psyche of men to the mans abilities in bed. If she doesn't O, the guy feels like a failure, and women know this.

Both a womans anxiety related difficulty to orgasm and a mans anxiety related ED have very similar psychological affects on their partner in that the partners feel undesirable or not good enough when in both cases, the partner rarely has anything to with the failure at all...until they start to pressure the failing partner...



Healer said:


> Yikes - her telling you that couldn't have helped the sitch...
> 
> Like I said, Cialis didn't work for me last time. Perhaps I'll try V instead...


Oh no no no, it didn't help at all. My ED was our first arguement actually, and we hashed things out pretty well, and she has been wonderfully supportive ever since.

I tried both Cialis and Viagra, and am far more pleased with Viagra. Punching holes in concrete dude...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OMG, yes for sure, they face that stigma. People can be so mean and cruel to each other, too...sometimes without realizing the effect they are having, but still.

But the other side to that is that many times, a woman who has these issues may not be able to adequately discuss them with a partner, so he really doesn't have a clue it is a problem. He might be very patient and loving with her, if she can clearly line out what her issues are and own them. But if she CAN'T adequately explain her dilemma, the man might end up being cruel about it without knowing there is any issue at all.

It is complicated.

As you know.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Hell yeah they do. A womans orgasm is tied very heavily in the psyche of men to the mans abilities in bed. If she doesn't O, the guy feels like a failure, and women know this.
> 
> Both a womans anxiety related difficulty to orgasm and a mans anxiety related ED have very similar psychological affects on their partner in that the partners feel undesirable or not good enough when in both cases, the partner rarely has anything to with the failure at all...until they start to pressure the failing partner...
> 
> ...


OK - great to know. Have an app with my doc today. Little blue pill, I'm going to try you out.

Great to hear you got things sorted in the bedroom!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> OMG, yes for sure, they face that stigma. People can be so mean and cruel to each other, too...sometimes without realizing the effect they are having, but still.
> 
> But the other side to that is that many times, a woman who has these issues may not be able to adequately discuss them with a partner, so he really doesn't have a clue it is a problem. He might be very patient and loving with her, if she can clearly line out what her issues are and own them. But if she CAN'T adequately explain her dilemma, the man might end up being cruel about it without knowing there is any issue at all.
> 
> ...


SO complicated!!!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Healer said:


> OK - great to know. Have an app with my doc today. Little blue pill, I'm going to try you out.
> 
> Great to hear you got things sorted in the bedroom!


Here are some tips regarding the Viagra...the initial dosage from the doc is either 25 or 50mg. Get the 100mg pills from him and split them into either 2 or 4. The 100mg pills cost the same as the 25mg ones, and they get expensive. Take a vitamin E a bit before the Viagra as it helps the effaciacy. The pills lose effectiveness on a full stomach, but the way around that is to chew the pill a bit with your incisors, and keep it under your tongue until it completely disolves. In otherwords, take it sublingually. It takes affect much faster, is not affected by a full stomach, and it seems to me to be a bit more potent.

EDIT: I am not a medical professional, and the above statements are not intended as medical advice, only me sharing my personal observations and experiences. Your mileage may vary, and if in doubt consult your personal physician.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Here are some tips regarding the Viagra...the initial dosage from the doc is either 25 or 50mg. Get the 100mg pills from him and split them into either 2 or 4. The 100mg pills cost the same as the 25mg ones, and they get expensive. Take a vitamin E a bit before the Viagra as it helps the effaciacy. The pills lose effectiveness on a full stomach, but the way around that is to chew the pill a bit with your incisors, and keep it under your tongue until it completely disolves. In otherwords, take it sublingually. It takes affect much faster, is not affected by a full stomach, and it seems to me to be a bit more potent.
> 
> EDIT: I am not a medical professional, and the above statements are not intended as medical advice, only me sharing my personal observations and experiences. Your mileage may vary, and if in doubt consult your personal physician.


Thanks brother!


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Oh that little man down there!

Question: do you watch porn? That's the #1 problem with porn. All of the actors on there have raging hard-ons that last as long as they want them to, and they come like a horse, several times in other to prove what sort of man they are.

Most of it is doctored. But it sure makes the normal male look like a pathetic lover.

Women love sex, often as much as we do if not more. But that doesn't mean they love penetration. Hey, I haven't met a woman that doesn't like penetration, but they like so much more than that.

A little kick start (viagra, etc) and some good communication and you'll be fine


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> Oh that little man down there!
> 
> Question: do you watch porn? That's the #1 problem with porn. All of the actors on there have raging hard-ons that last as long as they want them to, and they come like a horse, several times in other to prove what sort of man they are.
> 
> ...


Quit porn a couple/3 months back for this very reason - when I was seeing another woman. Got comfortable with her and all was good.

Yes - that little man down there is a real prick.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> She flat out told me...


Best pun ever...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

eyuop said:


> Best pun ever...


Well spotted


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

As long as I know it's not me I'm good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Healer said:


> Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?


Yes.
And it can.


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## it is what it is (Jun 13, 2012)

Re-assure her that is NOT her(communication), stay cool/calm and turn the attention to her when it happens. Had an issue with the same problem with my partner and he would just focus on me by taking his time while enjoying my body with oral, finger play and a silver bullet.....gawl, drove me WILD!(big O) He would then get turned on by seeing me turned on(hips arching up to him, hair pulling, etc). 

And, yes, of course it takes a little time to get comfortable with one another, even then he would eventually get stimulated(hard) after foreplay/pleasing me during the early relationship stages and we would have PIV, but took him about 6 romps to finally relax enough to ejaculate. He still had minor ED issues even after we were comfortable, but it was no big deal, he always made sure I was pleased, clitoral stimulation is where it's at (for me anyway!):smthumbup: 

Good luck!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Have most women experienced this with a guy at some point?
> I never experienced it with anyone until being with my SO.It has been a long road trying to understand the way his mind/penis work bc it's so different from what I've experienced.
> Do you realize it's anxiety and how do you feel about it?I realize that now but it took a long time to understand it isn't my fault.As far as how I feel about it,I'm still confused about it really.he has no reason to feel anxiety or pressure.
> 
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Do women feel pressure to have an orgasm? And does the pressure inhibit you from having one?


yes and definitely yes.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Communication/honesty is key. Tell her the truth; that you want to please her so much that the anxiety about doing so gives you ED. 

Woman love oral, if you are good at that I'm sure she'll be wild about you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Damn. Well, I saw her for the first time since I started this thread tonight. Her vibe was remarkably down compared to normal. We went for a movie then drinks. During drinks she said she wanted to talk to me about something and was really nervous. She brought it up.

Sidebar: we've been in bed together 3 times. First time was basically no erection but she came with oral. Second time there was eventually some action but the condom came out and down it went. Third time things seemed to be going well but as she indicated she was at the tail end of her period, so we didn't really try. I felt the last time it could've happened, but who knows.

Anyway, tonight she brings it up and says she's worried she's not turning me on, it's her and we're just not a fit that way possibly. I tried to reassure her that I am very turned on and sexually attracted to her, that I go through this in the early stages and that it's just anxiety. She's European, just to throw that in there, and is very beautiful and takes a lot of pride in her appearance. She didn't understand. She said maybe the first time, but why am I nervous now? She then went on to say that I'm still hung up on my ex and she understands and it took her years to get over hers. She then said she digs me so much but requires the physical as well as the emotional/mental, and maybe I need more time, but then indicated she's not really willing to wait because she's not so young any more. But she doesn't want to add pressure to me.

I think I just got dumped because of anxiety induced ED. 

Oi.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Healer said:


> Damn. Well, I saw her for the first time since I started this thread tonight. Her vibe was remarkably down compared to normal. We went for a movie then drinks. During drinks she said she wanted to talk to me about something and was really nervous. She brought it up.
> 
> Sidebar: we've been in bed together 3 times. First time was basically no erection but she came with oral. Second time there was eventually some action but the condom came out and down it went. Third time things seemed to be going well but as she indicated she was at the tail end of her period, so we didn't really try. I felt the last time it could've happened, but who knows.
> 
> ...


Depends on what you want from each other. If you both need to be with each other then she has got to work with you. If she's really into you but is going to punt you up front for a "small" issue then I ask myself how important are you to her. On the other hand if she's looking for a long term partner then she gets to be ruthless because the last innings cost her a lot. 

Maybe you should lay it on the line and say you will come good with her help and it wont take long (white lies don't hurt, tell her you're seeing the world's foremost specialist in ED). And for God's sake downplay the ex man. Don't let her make up her own story and believe it. Give it a shot, take the reins or or move on.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Depends on what you want from each other. If you both need to be with each other then she has got to work with you. If she's really into you but is going to punt you up front for a "small" issue then I ask myself how important are you to her. On the other hand if she's looking for a long term partner then she gets to be ruthless because the last innings cost her a lot.
> 
> Maybe you should lay it on the line and say you will come good with her help and it wont take long (white lies don't hurt, tell her you're seeing the world's foremost specialist in ED). And for God's sake downplay the ex man. Don't let her make up her own story and believe it. Give it a shot, take the reins or or move on.


She has no kids and wants them, and she's 37. 

I think it's hurt her pride and ego to be honest. And I can see why it would, but it's not for the reasons she thinks. I went through this with the last woman I dated but got through it in no time. It does seem hasty. 

Sadly, none of this helps with the vicious circle that is performance anxiety. What's going on here? This blows.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Damn. Well, I saw her for the first time since I started this thread tonight. Her vibe was remarkably down compared to normal. We went for a movie then drinks. During drinks she said she wanted to talk to me about something and was really nervous. She brought it up.
> 
> Sidebar: we've been in bed together 3 times. First time was basically no erection but she came with oral. Second time there was eventually some action but the condom came out and down it went. Third time things seemed to be going well but as she indicated she was at the tail end of her period, so we didn't really try. I felt the last time it could've happened, but who knows.
> 
> ...


I can see her side of it from being worried she's not turning you on and all but any woman worth spending a lifetime with would be more patient than this.

I'm sure it hurts badly right now but maybe down the road you'll be thankful she showed her true colors before it was too late.

Scares me to remember I had thoughts of giving up on my SO bc of his anxiety related erection issues.I'm glad my compassionate and loving side won.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can see her side of it from being worried she's not turning you on and all but any woman worth spending a lifetime with would be more patient than this.
> 
> I'm sure it hurts badly right now but maybe down the road you'll be thankful she showed her true colors before it was too late.
> 
> Scares me to remember I had thoughts of giving up on my SO bc of his anxiety related erection issues.I'm glad my compassionate and loving side won.


I agree. It's not like it's been months and many times of failed attempts. It was twice, really. And it is telling that I am not aroused at all with her - there's some anxiety, but I'm just not turned on. However I do think I would get passed it.

How long/how many attempts did you and you SO go through?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> I agree. It's not like it's been months and many times of failed attempts. It was twice, really. And it is telling that I am not aroused at all with her - there's some anxiety, but I'm just not turned on. However I do think I would get passed it.
> 
> How long/how many attempts did you and you SO go through?


Well first it was anxiety,it happened several times a week for about a month. Then it was great for about 6 months. Then it started happening again..he would just lose his erection. We figured out that it had a lot to do w focus issues.he had too much going on in his mind and just couldn't be in the moment.
We are going on two years and it still happens from time to time. We just redirect his mind to other things and try sex again later. It works
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts here so forgive me for jumping in...



Healer said:


> Anyway - my questions are:
> 
> *Have most women experienced this with a guy at some point?*


 I never experienced it with my husband till he was 45, my sex drive suddenly went through the roof & I was wearing him out... since this was NEW to me.. I jumped to ...."Doesn't me desire me anymore?" running through my head... sent him to the Doc, found out his TEST was on the lower end of normal for his age...but he was fine... so we waded through all of this....

Got some







... bought this book >> 

Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems: ...this covers Sensate Focus exercises for PE, no need for a Sex Therapist, the exercises are all nicely explained here. 

I upped my flirting skills to help get his mind off his member....as every time it would happen.. I would ask.. "what are you thinking about?" and sure enough... that is where his mind was...not wanting to let me down... so my doing what I could to divert his attention (all that silence doesn't help)... in a verbally expressive way....Yeah...this helped! There was times I felt his shrinking...so there I went...and wala... back in the saddle again! 



> *Do you realize it's anxiety and how do you feel about it?
> 
> Does it bother you or are you understanding/sympathetic?*


 I was actually very thankful it was ANXIETY and not a Physical problem....this made me ...that would have been so much worse... and very sad. 



> *What would you recommend I do about it? Just keep trying, go slow and not worry? Talk to her about it?*


 Don't masterbate ...so you are more WIRED when you are with her...for one...save every drop...this should help... my husband would have never struggled if I wasn't pushing it. We still kept at it though.. he was a real gem, never shut down on me... a little viagra during that time (even cut in slithers helped)

If you are comfortable enough with this woman... she realizes the issue & is sympathetic wanting to do ALL she can - to help you overcome...you are blessed.... Hopefully you can both express vulnerably with each other & work through it. A new relationship has to be a little awkward though!

Pretty Common >>


> Understanding Performance Anxiety by Stanley Ducharme, Ph.D.
> 
> Millions of men, regardless of age, relationship or orientation suffer from sexual performance anxiety. This condition in sexual situations occurs when a man anticipates some form of problem occurring during the sexual act. As a result of this anticipation, the man becomes anxious or panicked while attempting to be sexually active. This translates into problems with erections, premature and delayed ejaculation or a lack of desire to have sex.
> 
> ...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Great stuff - thank you ladies.

Gotta say - the gal I was with previous to this one was great at being reassuring. She said "it's always awkward the first few times" and "don't worry about it". So I didn't and it worked.

I'm pretty disappointed with this woman. By saying she doesn't understand and that I should get passed it by the first time, she pretty mush guaranteed failure for the next time (I don't believe there will be a next time - I think she's written me off). 

Is she just uneducated about it? Egotistical? Shallow? Insecure?

You women should really count yourselves lucky you don't have to deal with owning that schizo organ. Argh!

It's too bad, because after 1 successful round, I'd be good to go. Guess this just wasn't meant to be.

One thing she said was that she didn't get how I could get up on stage (I'm a performing musician) in front of all those people so confidently but can't perform in the bedroom. Well I was scared ****less of that at first, too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Great stuff - thank you ladies.
> 
> Gotta say - the gal I was with previous to this one was great at being reassuring. She said "it's always awkward the first few times" and "don't worry about it". So I didn't and it worked.
> 
> ...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Thanks Scarlet. I know you're right.

You also gave me a much needed chuckle.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Thanks Scarlet. I know you're right.
> 
> You also gave me a much needed chuckle.


 Doesn't make it easier and likely doesn't make it hurt less.But you'll get through it,I have faith that you'll be just fine without that woman.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Doesn't make it easier and likely doesn't make it hurt less.But you'll get through it,I have faith that you'll be just fine without that woman.




Yeah - pretty beaten down today. But I will be OK.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This sounds eerily like my experience with my SO, right down to the age of the woman. I had complete erectile failure the first three times we tried and it hurt her very deeply. By that time, we had already forged a close emotional connection, and ultimately, that is what helped us get through.

She had the same feelings that other women have described here. Feeling that I was not attracted to her, that it's somehow her fault. As she was saying things during a conversation that lasted for hours, I just wanted to scream "Get over yourself! This isn't about you!" Having her tell me who I am not attracted to really irritated me. I understood that she had never been with a man who had this happen before, and because of her past relationships, she had the misguided notion that all men got hard at the slightest breeze, and had to do something about it.

The real turning point however was when she said that what she was really afraid of was, what would happen if six months or a year down the line, after she has fallen completely and totally in love with me, and this problem was still happening? What then? She made it clear that sex, PIV sex, was important to her, and that it is one of the ways she feels ad expresses love, and that she couldn't live the rest of her life without it. I asked the hypothetical that if things got better, then sometime down the road I was injured, or had a physical problem and it would no longer work, would she divorce over somethig like that. She gave a very good answer I think. She said she would not divorce because that would be an issue within the marriage, but knowing that this could be a problem made her feel uncomfortable getting deeper into the relationship. We talked about the options of Viagra and counseling, and the fact that I was willing to takes steps to correct the issue helped her be willing to continue on.

I am glad she gave me the chance because here we are almost a year later, and I am happier and more fulfilled than I have ever been in my life, and she claims to be even happier and more fulfilled than I am. Our sex life is outstanding. I still have issues from time to time, maybe 1 out of 30 times, and I know it still hurts her and likely always will, but she deals with it very well knowing that the next time will blow her mind so there you have it


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This sounds eerily like my experience with my SO, right down to the age of the woman. I had complete erectile failure the first three times we tried and it hurt her very deeply. By that time, we had already forged a close emotional connection, and ultimately, that is what helped us get through.
> 
> She had the same feelings that other women have described here. Feeling that I was not attracted to her, that it's somehow her fault. As she was saying things during a conversation that lasted for hours, I just wanted to scream "Get over yourself! This isn't about you!" Having her tell me who I am not attracted to really irritated me. I understood that she had never been with a man who had this happen before, and because of her past relationships, she had the misguided notion that all men got hard at the slightest breeze, and had to do something about it.
> 
> ...


This woman doesn't seem to have the patience yours did/does. I think the combo of being high maintenance, having an large ego and a bio-clock that is tick tick ticking away doesn't help.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Healer said:


> This woman doesn't seem to have the patience yours did/does. I think the combo of being high maintenance, having an large ego and a bio-clock that is tick tick ticking away doesn't help.


From the way you just described her, and her lack of patience in this area, it doesn't appear that she really is that connected to you emotionally. You two may have hit the crossroads my SO and I did a bit sooner where mine was willing to chance it because she saw and felt the potential, where your's does not.

Sure, she may be a totally hot exotic european woman, believe me, I know the appeal, but are you really sure she would appeal to you in the long run? Seriously dude, after my divorce, I quickly realized there are a ton of hot women out there who are decent, know how to treat a person right, and would be totally into you enough to work through this. I'm just lucky I found the hottest, and nicest one of the lot


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> From the way you just described her, and her lack of patience in this area, it doesn't appear that she really is that connected to you emotionally. You two may have hit the crossroads my SO and I did a bit sooner where mine was willing to chance it because she saw and felt the potential, where your's does not.
> 
> Sure, she may be a totally hot exotic european woman, believe me, I know the appeal, but are you really sure she would appeal to you in the long run? Seriously dude, after my divorce, I quickly realized there are a ton of hot women out there who are decent, know how to treat a person right, and would be totally into you enough to work through this. I'm just lucky I found the hottest, and nicest one of the lot


I've been thinking about it recently (before this went down) and no - I do not see long term compatibility. I was definitely drawn in by her beauty and vivaciousness. But we have nothing in common. Nothing. Another huge downside is humor. I'm a sarcastic and witty guy - and most of my humor is lost in translation. I love laughing with and making people laugh.

She hates dramatic/intense movies, loves dance/techno music, always complains at restaurants, is conceited, goes to the bathroom hourly to apply makeup and perfume. And I'm not sexually attracted to her. What am I doing?  :scratchhead: 

I went out with this other gal a couple weeks back - successful with her own business, loves great music, is really cool. I texted her last night and she responded right away. I'll see her again. So many fish in the sea...

I really went after this one for all the wrong reasons. I did have some fun with her though - but long term material she is not. Definitely arm candy, though.


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

I had to figure out how to deal with this as a teen. It took 3 different attempts because my bf was having performance anxiety about making everything too perfect. Finally on the 3rd attempt it was unplanned and wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Got the text I was expecting yesterday. "Can we meet, I want to talk to you". I said "I know where this is going, I knew after we talked Sunday. I understand - no need to meet. I wish you all the best and enjoyed our time together - I hope you find true happiness". Her response: ":'( Sorry sweetie. Seems I couldn't give you what you want. It's extremely difficult for me right now. Hard to feel I wasn't the lady you want. I enjoyed our time together - you're the best...blah blah" /condensed version.

Judging by her emotional state as of late and those words, it really did bother her and she really took it personally. Seems she was quite hurt. 

Sadly I don't see this helping my performance anxiety conundrum.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I just have to remember things down there work fine and I did have success with other women prior to her - it just took a little for me to get comfortable. Then I was a champion again. 

Being dumped sucks, especially for that reason. But then I was cheated on by by stbxw, an emotional pain unlike anything I've experienced, and I got thru that (going thru that). What don't kill ya...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Easier said than done but you cannot carry this around with you.It will make this whole anxiety thing worse.Not all women are impatient.Not all women will take this personally and if they do at first,they will be able to understand after some good conversation about it.
"baby you're so beautiful and stunning that I'm terrified I'm gonna mess up...so it's screwing with my ability to get hard.I'm so sorry."

Any woman worth your time will not let this break down a relationship.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Easier said than done but you cannot carry this around with you.It will make this whole anxiety thing worse.Not all women are impatient.Not all women will take this personally and if they do at first,they will be able to understand after some good conversation about it.
> "baby you're so beautiful and stunning that I'm terrified I'm gonna mess up...so it's screwing with my ability to get hard.I'm so sorry."
> 
> Any woman worth your time will not let this break down a relationship.


Thanks Scarlet! Great to hear this from a woman.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

This thread reflects the ignorance of some (few) women who have absolutely no understanding of male sexuality. We are not just rampant penises, and our (my) sexuality is quite complicated.

OP, dont sweat it. A loving woman awaits you, and this will become a short part of your history.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

oddball said:


> This thread reflects the ignorance of some (few) women who have absolutely no understanding of male sexuality. We are not just rampant penises, and our (my) sexuality is quite complicated.
> 
> OP, dont sweat it. A loving woman awaits you, and this will become a short part of your history.




I'm now feeling utter relief that it's over. This was a red flag.

Her loss though. Once I get over the initial anxiety, I'm quite the stud.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Her loss though. Once I get over the initial anxiety, I'm quite the stud.


MUCH better tone than previous posts! Good for you hon!! :smthumbup:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> MUCH better tone than previous posts! Good for you hon!! :smthumbup:




Thanks Scarlet!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Isn't this dead on. I looked up sexual compatibility between signs (I'm a Cancer, she is an Aries). This is exactly the case!

I am Cancer, My Lover is Aries

Sorry, but this tryst is going to be tough. You are the first water sign of the zodiac and therefore the most sensitive. Tenderness, care, warmth, and security are what you crave most; you bruise easily at the slightest criticism. Home and family are your biggest priorities, but, for your Aries lover, the creation of new enterprises gets top billing. Aries is the first of the fire signs, so Aries are noisy, brash, full of life and aggression, and not very tactful. If you argue with an Aries, he or she will do whatever it takes to win. If your feelings (and ego) are destroyed in the process, so be it. You will wind up feeling like you were hit by a heat-seeking missile. Aries can be ruthless and they frequently go overboard. To make matters worse, Cancers can hear insults when none have been spoken or intended. 

There are more difficulties. You have delayed reactions, Cancer, while Aries are quick on the draw. You may not be able to parry and block during an argument as quickly as your Aries opponent, tearing down your self-esteem. Aries is nothing if not straightforward, but the Crab walks in a kind of zigzag pattern, prepared to quietly scuttle into and out of any subject. Aries find this deceptive and calculated. Cancers justify it by calling their actions subtle. 

You want stability: in marriage, home life and children. But Aries need to keep their adrenaline pumping, and if romance doesn't stay hot, they are likely to look elsewhere for adventure. Sex is exciting with an Aries lover, especially in the beginning, but for Cancer this will not be enough. You want to be loved deeply for who you are and to forge an intimate bond that can't be harmed by the outside world. Self-absorbed Aries can't sit still long enough for this to happen. Soon you will feel that they are all fire but lacking in real warmth. Don't expect an Aries to nurture you -- they have better things to do. This will depress you, for you nurture everyone and expect the same in return.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I also think you should wait for sex until you feel comfortable enough with the woman for this to not be an issue. But you know women - it's pretty difficult for many women to reach an orgasm so the women can be stressed out as much as you!

Any woman over mid-20s understands it happens and that men can't snap it to attention at will. I'm not say it doesn't make me feel unsexy when it happens (omg am I that ugly?) but I'm quickly able to tell myself it just happens. It's that simple.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I also think you should wait for sex until you feel comfortable enough with the woman for this to not be an issue. But you know women - it's pretty difficult for many women to reach an orgasm so the women can be stressed out as much as you!
> 
> Any woman over mid-20s understands it happens and that men can't snap it to attention at will. I'm not say it doesn't make me feel unsexy when it happens (omg am I that ugly?) but I'm quickly able to tell myself it just happens. It's that simple.


I wish it was true what you said about women over mid 20s knowing this  It would have helped some initial problems with my SO and I. It just about wrecked our relationship. She has been with a fair number of partner and had never had it happen before. She is 37 and her experience was that men are ready to with the slightest breeze. I had never had it happen to me before either. I had been sexless for four years before her. It was very difficult and confusing for both of us, but we made it through, and everything works great most of the time now with complete failure happening rarley, but when it does, it's still tough, but we know the next time will make up for it  the thing is, is now, the ED may be more because of how much we do it than anything else. Lord help me when she goes peri 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I have dealt with this in my marriage and things got so bad we stopped having sex for nearly 13 years. It was frustrating because I had never experienced it with another man so I took it very personally. My H was trying too hard to please me and because he was obsessed with me for years before getting together he had me on quite a pedestal. Couple that with shame around talking to me about what he wanted in bed (afraid I'd think he was a perv) and we had a stalemate. We both just shut down sexually and I was sick of talking about it and getting nowhere. He continued to masturbate (not to porn) and that just became a vicious cycle. He tells me now that his libido went in the toilet because of it.

Fast forward to now and 2 kids later and things are awesome!! We are having sex on average 4x a week. ED defnitely came back but my understanding of it was soooo helpful in relieving the problem. I opened up to him about sex, we started talking about fantasies, we started trying new things but mostly I stopped being hurt by it. We decided that if JR didnt want to play we could play without him. Right now my H is determined to get to the point where he can make me O using his tongue and fingers and so far we are having a ton of fun! I will also give him challenges to mess with his mind. I will tell him we can make out but he is not allowed to get erect or we can make out but no sex at all, just fondling. He usually gets hard as a rock when I do this!! Overall I'm trying to make it as relaxed as possible. I love my H dearly and I need his touch so to me his penis is insignificant in our sex life. Of course when it does show up to the party he gives me a good rogering and all is well. The more we keep going the less ED he is having.

We were both really helped by forums and he stopped masturbating completely. He said that it's much easier to be out if his head when he's so horny he could burst. All it takes is a few successful times to reverse the thinking. It also helps to know (for me) that erections ebb and flow during sex so it might be flaccid one minute and rearing to go the next. It's soooo important to just keep going (I know this is easier said than done!). 

Sex is supposed to be a fun sensual experience not a race towards an end goal. Once we settled into a rhythm of enjoying each other things got better. I don't know what it would be like with random partners but if they leave over it then they're not right for you anyway


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I also think you should wait for sex until you feel comfortable enough with the woman for this to not be an issue. But you know women - it's pretty difficult for many women to reach an orgasm so the women can be stressed out as much as you!
> 
> Any woman over mid-20s understands it happens and that men can't snap it to attention at will. I'm not say it doesn't make me feel unsexy when it happens (omg am I that ugly?) but I'm quickly able to tell myself it just happens. It's that simple.


Good point about waiting.

I honestly think it really hurt her. Maybe she just hadn't experienced it before? She seemed fairly distraught about the whole thing.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I wish it was true what you said about women over mid 20s knowing this  It would have helped some initial problems with my SO and I. It just about wrecked our relationship. She has been with a fair number of partner and had never had it happen before. She is 37 and her experience was that men are ready to with the slightest breeze. I had never had it happen to me before either. I had been sexless for four years before her. It was very difficult and confusing for both of us, but we made it through, and everything works great most of the time now with complete failure happening rarley, but when it does, it's still tough, but we know the next time will make up for it  the thing is, is now, the ED may be more because of how much we do it than anything else. Lord help me when she goes peri
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmm. This one is 37 too. I guess not all women have experienced it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

FemBot said:


> I have dealt with this in my marriage and things got so bad we stopped having sex for nearly 13 years. It was frustrating because I had never experienced it with another man so I took it very personally. My H was trying too hard to please me and because he was obsessed with me for years before getting together he had me on quite a pedestal. Couple that with shame around talking to me about what he wanted in bed (afraid I'd think he was a perv) and we had a stalemate. We both just shut down sexually and I was sick of talking about it and getting nowhere. He continued to masturbate (not to porn) and that just became a vicious cycle. He tells me now that his libido went in the toilet because of it.
> 
> Fast forward to now and 2 kids later and things are awesome!! We are having sex on average 4x a week. ED defnitely came back but my understanding of it was soooo helpful in relieving the problem. I opened up to him about sex, we started talking about fantasies, we started trying new things but mostly I stopped being hurt by it. We decided that if JR didnt want to play we could play without him. Right now my H is determined to get to the point where he can make me O using his tongue and fingers and so far we are having a ton of fun! I will also give him challenges to mess with his mind. I will tell him we can make out but he is not allowed to get erect or we can make out but no sex at all, just fondling. He usually gets hard as a rock when I do this!! Overall I'm trying to make it as relaxed as possible. I love my H dearly and I need his touch so to me his penis is insignificant in our sex life. Of course when it does show up to the party he gives me a good rogering and all is well. The more we keep going the less ED he is having.
> 
> ...


Someone else on here recommended the no wanky idea too - makes sense.

I got a lot from this post, thank you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Odd - got a random text from her the other night "Hi you, just wanted to say hi. Hope your day is wonderful".

I didn't respond. :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Healer said:


> Odd - got a random text from her the other night "Hi you, just wanted to say hi. Hope your day is wonderful".
> 
> I didn't respond. :scratchhead:


I hesitate to say this but I'm sayin it anyway: GOOD FOR YOU! 

To me,no response is the best response.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I hesitate to say this but I'm sayin it anyway: GOOD FOR YOU!
> 
> To me,no response is the best response.


As my stbxw says "your silence is deafening".


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

I suffer from the opposite, an innocent hug or a grab and I'm "up".
The only "slayer" of an erection is if my partner isn't into it and/or lacking the emotional connection. Coming off of a divorce maybe you are moving too fast and the connection isn't quite there yet?
Maybe I'm odd as a guy in the scheme of things, I can't just mount any female that will spread for me....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have strong opinions in this arena.

Sometimes performance anxiety has nothing to do with anxiety. Sometimes it's pathology.

I've been dealing with this issue since I moved out over 5 years ago.

I automatically presumed when things weren't working that it was due to my marriage failing. And even with that ex and I had not been having any form of regular sex.

And I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree with the assertion that any woman out of her 20's understands the issue. Not my experience ... not nearly. 
I had a number of partners take it more personally than I did. I bailed out of my first 2 sexual relationships because I was struggling to come to terms with what was going on.

Was diagnosed with BPH, learned that a medication that I had taken for over a decade caused both prostate issues and ED, and discovered my testosterone levels were low.
So I addressed the issues.
There is nothing wrong with my sex drive. Quite robust actually.

So ... I stopped presuming 'it was all in my head', and I made the decision to share the information with any potential partners. I would emphasize that any issues in that regard were not indicators of my level of attraction or excitement. They all said the right things. When it came to game time, however that all changed. 
I didn't get angry. Didn't pout or fret. I remained confident, and aggressive in bed and simply shifted emphasis to her. They would still feel compelled to give it the old college try ... and it would feel great, but didn't produce the desired result.

MANY women couldn't deal with it. None of them ever took a shot at me personally, but a few were hurt and even angry. Then there were partners who would insist that 'yes, it really is all in your head. You just need to relax.' They firmly believed that with time and practice the issue would simply go away. 

No dice. So sometimes, they went away instead.

Bottom line, I know how my body works. I know the physiological issues that I have.
My suggestion is to determine what yours are. Whether this is a blip on the radar or if it is something else for which you will need to communicate with your health care provider about.

V works like a charm. Simply makes my body respond as it normally should. Always surprises me how people think those drugs work. You still need to be stimulated and turned on. You don't take a blue pill and then just walk around with a mighty oak in your trousers for the next 6 hours.

So, my piece to you? Find out if what you have going on falls under the umbrella of performance anxiety or whether or not it could be something else.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I have strong opinions in this arena.
> 
> Sometimes performance anxiety has nothing to do with anxiety. Sometimes it's pathology.
> 
> ...


Yes, vitamin V is a great thing. Even better is the melt on your tongue Stayxn, even has a minty fresh taste... kills two birds.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So the idea is to medicate ourselves to drown out our emotional issues? Hey I'm messed up inside and it's causing issues on the outside.I'll pop a pill and no further work is required! 
Viagra should be a last resort.
If it's an emotional problem then the man needs to keep his shorts on and get himself to therapy to figure it out.
"Vitamin V" seems like a nice way to pull the rug over a deeper problem.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> So the idea is to medicate ourselves to drown out our emotional issues? Hey I'm messed up inside and it's causing issues on the outside.I'll pop a pill and no further work is required!
> Viagra should be a last resort.
> If it's an emotional problem then the man needs to keep his shorts on and get himself to therapy to figure it out.
> "Vitamin V" seems like a nice way to pull the rug over a deeper problem.


All due respect, you just perfectly illustrated why I don't hitch whatever is going on in my mind or my body to what someone else thinks it may be, and thinks I'm not dealing with it.

The following are the most common causes of erectile dysfunction:

•	Diabetes
•	High blood pressure
•	Arteriosclerosis
•	Depression
•	Low testosterone levels

There is one, just one emotional issue in that list. And if a man or woman is depressed, I'd certainly encourage them to seek treatment, which no doubt, would probably involve 'popping a pill'.

I was in a relationship with a woman that had lots of difficulty lubricating. So ... we used a lubricant. I didn't presume she was messed up in her head.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Deejo said:


> All due respect, you just perfectly illustrated why I don't hitch whatever is going on in my mind or my body to what someone else thinks it may be, and thinks I'm not dealing with it.I'm not sure where I implied that a person should rely on someone else (other than a doctor) to tell them if it's their body or their mind causing the issue. of course the person should see someone if they're having ED issues. Then they can determine whether it's physical or emotional.
> 
> The following are the most common causes of erectile dysfunction:
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I believe that if ED is purely anxiety or mental that taking V or another ED drug can help boost confidence and aid in resolving the performance anxiety issue.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SB, that was kind of an odd response you had to Deejo's post. Or maybe you weren't really addressing it to him, not sure, but he wrote his post above yours about how it was NOT an emotional issue in his head. :scratchhead:

Personally, I love vitamin V...it is there when it might be needed. Some of these herbal "proprietary blends" available work pretty well, too.

My H and I are getting older and this issue is something people in our age range talk about, so most my gf's are also with men who might have these issues, too. I feel good that we can talk about it. It is not a point of "oh man, what a bother" at all...we are all very wise by this point. The men in this age range don't always have some emotional burden that is causing ED. You can be a Sex God and still have to deal with your blood flow issues as you age and the systems are not full force like they once were. I just feel fortunate that we live in an age that has found a way to get around this fact.

.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> SB, that was kind of an odd response you had to Deejo's post. Or maybe you weren't really addressing it to him, not sure, but he wrote his post above yours about how it was NOT an emotional issue in his head.
> 
> Personally, I love vitamin V...it is there when it might be needed. Some of these herbal "proprietary blends" available work pretty well, too.
> 
> ...


I wasn't responding to anyone directly. Im expressing my opinion that meds aren't always the answer.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I believe that if ED is purely anxiety or mental that taking V or another ED drug can help boost confidence and aid in resolving the performance anxiety issue.


In my opinion it's a crutch. A last resort crutch.If it helps after nothing else does then that's really great!
But I can't get on board with it being used casually,that's all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I see. It looked like you were talking to Deejo about his sitch.

ETA: SB...curious why you think it isn't good to use Viagra casually? I guess I am not sure what casually means in this sense.

.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wasn't responding to anyone directly. Im expressing my opinion that meds aren't always the answer.


Bingo. The pharmaceutical companies love this stuff. A pill for everyone and everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> In my opinion it's a crutch. A last resort crutch.If it helps after nothing else does then that's really great!
> But I can't get on board with it being used casually,that's all.



I understand your position but when it comes to mental disorders like anxiety and depression and the like, I don't view meds as a "crutch" but rather a supplement that can be used in conjunction with therapy and closely monitored with a physician


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> My H and I are getting older and this issue is something people in our age range talk about, so most my gf's are also with men who might have these issues, too. I feel good that we can talk about it. It is not a point of "oh man, what a bother" at all...we are all very wise by this point. The men in this age range don't always have some emotional burden that is causing ED. You can be a Sex God and still have to deal with your blood flow issues as you age and the systems are not full force like they once were. I just feel fortunate that we live in an age that has found a way to get around this fact.
> 
> .


I feel everyone is taking me wrong here.If it's physical and Viagra is the only answer, HAVE AT IT. Be hard,bang lots,and be merry!

But I don't think Viagra should be the default answer if the man hasn't done his homework on what else might be causing his issue.

I never said there always must be an emotional issue causing ED.I get that isn't the case always.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> ETA: SB...curious why you think it isn't good to use Viagra casually? I guess I am not sure what casually means in this sense.
> 
> .


It's a personal choice.Some meds are good and people must have them to balance their chemistry.Casual use just bc it makes you have great sex is not ok to me when it comes to prescription drugs.I've come across too many stories about men using it when they don't really have an issue with ED and I don't agree with that turning into something that's acceptable.

If you honestly need it,go for it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I understand your position but when it comes to mental disorders like anxiety and depression and the like, I don't view meds as a "crutch" but rather a supplement that can be used in conjunction with therapy and closely monitored with a physician


With other meds that are needed for mental disorders yes,you are monitored and doing it in conjunction with therapy.With viagra,you get your tests done,receive your rx script and go about your business til you need another script written.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I've come across too many stories about men using it when they don't really have an issue with ED



completely different issue here

recreational use of a prescription drug is always bad

but anxiety related ED is a real issue for some men and for them to use ED meds is a blessing imo


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> With other meds that are needed for mental disorders yes,you are monitored and doing it in conjunction with therapy.With viagra,you get your tests done,receive your rx script and go about your business til you need another script written.


true for the most part, and I do think if you take ED meds and can't perform after some time that you should look into therapy to treat your anxiety

but let's face it, not all anxiety can be treated with therapy either


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> completely different issue here
> 
> recreational use of a prescription drug is always bad
> 
> but anxiety related ED is a real issue for some men and for them to use ED meds is a blessing imo


You're entitled to your opinion,as I'm entitled to mine.We'll leave it at that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"recreational use of a prescription drug is always bad"

What if it is a prescription for marijuana? :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "recreational use of a prescription drug is always bad"
> 
> What if it is a prescription for marijuana? :scratchhead:


If you're abusing your prescribed meds by recreational use you're in the wrong whether it's marijuana or something else.medication abuse by one just makes it harder for others to get the meds they need for real problems.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SB - I was just being ironic. There was always a big debate about medical marijuana just being a way for stoners to smoke it legally.

Personally, I don't need permission or a prescription to use any substance. I rely on my own choices and others thinking I am "wrong" means nothing to me.

.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ironic or not,it's a valid question.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Whoa this thread lit up out of nowhere!

The problem is definitely not physiological - it's psychological. 

I dated a couple women a few months back, and although it was an issue the first time or 2, it went away as I got comfortable. I spoke with the one gal about it and she was cool. "It's always awkward the first couple times". That put me at ease. I used a See-ialis the one time, then the next few times I didn't and all was well. Rock hard, natural erection and I could orgasm.

I think the problem here was that I was starting to approach this latest thing as a potential long term relationship - which I most certainly am NOT ready for - I'm not even 8 months from dday and I'm still married (headed for divorce).

By body has this knack for telling me when something is wrong and kind of shutting down - like the fact I was on anti-depressants for anxiety the entire time I was with my stbxw. I've been off them for 3 months now. I believe the ED I experienced with this woman was less anxiety and more my mind c*ck blocking me for my own good. I found her quite beautiful but had no sexual attraction - I wasn't just nervous, I was not turned on when we were naked in bed. She was right in a lot of ways - and could sense this was a rebound thing and I was not a good idea in terms of a ltr - which is what we both sort of positioned it as.

I am not ready for a relationship right now - and I'm not one of those guys that just sticks it in anything. I'm a sensitive guy and I guess I should listen to my body/mind. I've taken the shift off of trying to "get" women right now and I'm more focused on me and being a dad, and on cleaning my house, figuratively and literally.

I rushed into this and it simply wasn't time. That being said, I will still date, but I'll just keep it light and make sure any woman I see knows where I'm at with things. 

In regards to ED meds - I think it's OK for performance anxiety as a way to get passed that initial hurdle - because once you have 1 or 2 successful goes under your belt, the problem seems to go away and the drugs aren't necessary. However those drugs can be ineffective if you just aren't turned on - which I wasn't with this last woman.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Healer said:


> However those drugs can be ineffective if you just aren't turned on - which I wasn't with this last woman.



you should text her back

"It's not me, it's you"


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I will say though - I've been one randy bastard for the past few days. Damn. Really missing a woman's touch.

Nothing happening right now in terms of dates because the city has been in a state of emergency due to massive floods since Thursday. I'm still off work because the building is shutdown.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> you should text her back
> 
> "It's not me, it's you"


LOL!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No offense taken on my part. And my intention wasn't to throw SB under the bus.

Couldn't help but highlight what she said within the framework of my own experience. Some women wanted to be understanding ... but couldn't.

It's a 'prickly' subject for more than the person with the pr!ck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Question for you ladies about performance anxiety/ED*



Almostrecovered said:


> you should text her back
> 
> "It's not me, it's you"


Like.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> completely different issue here
> 
> recreational use of a prescription drug is always bad
> 
> but anxiety related ED is a real issue for some men and for them to use ED meds is a blessing imo


Viagra didn't work for my H at all! His expectation of a boner was too high for him to even allow himself to relax and get aroused. It REALLY depends on the situation and what's causing the ED.

My husband used Viagara as a last attempt and when it didn't work he felt even crappier...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Viagra didn't work for my H at all! His expectation of a boner was too high for him to even allow himself to relax and get aroused. It REALLY depends on the situation and what's causing the ED.
> 
> My husband used Viagara as a last attempt and when it didn't work he felt even crappier...


Yup - if you can't relax, you can't get aroused. If there's no arousal, there's no wood, even with V.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

On the topic of women "getting it", I just read an online dating profile where the woman, in her lists of things she's looking for in a guy, wrote "all body parts must work normally".

Wow. Guess there are women who have experienced and have no patience for it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Healer said:


> On the topic of women "getting it", I just read an online dating profile where the woman, in her lists of things she's looking for in a guy, wrote "all body parts must work normally".
> 
> Wow. Guess there are women who have experienced and have no patience for it.


She's a keeper ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

That's a pretty c*nty thing to post on a dating profile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's a pretty c*nty thing to post on a dating profile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's a pretty c*nty thing to post on a dating profile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No sh*t. First I've seen anything like it. I may message her referring to it and tease her a bit. I'll probably get a date. LOL.


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