# Ex-wife and Nanny



## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

I’ve been divorced for almost 4 years and have 50% custody of my 2 children. My ex bought a house with her boyfriend last summer and changed the kids’ school to the new local school. It’s about 40 minutes away from where she used to live/I still live. I tried unsuccessfully to sell my house over the summer and fall but for now, I have a nanny that drives and picks up the kids on my day, and to say that is a terrible inconvenience to the kids is an understatement. We used to share a nanny but with the move, she declared she no longer needs one and I ended up having to find a new one who just started a few weeks ago. 

The ex emailed me asking me for the new nanny’s contact info “in case there is an emergency”, but out of spite to her I want to tell her no. The reality is that if there were a problem, I’d want the nanny to call me, not the ex. Moreover, any “emergency” with the ex is not an emergency the nanny would ever need to know about since she only has the kids on my days. At the same time, I feel like this is just me being petty and controlling. 

Any advice? I will probably give it to her but I wanted to also provide a message that she should only use it if there is an emergency where I am not available and the nanny has the kids.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Yep, your head is right and your gut is wrong. And you are right that your direction to the nanny to call you first should be honored. But that's between you and your employee (the nanny). So go ahead and give her the number. Lest she use that against you down the road in some fashion.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Does the below seem like a fair reply (along with providing the number):

What sort of emergency are we talking about? If there is an emergency at school, the school would contact us. I think it is inappropriate for you to initiate contact with her unless something happens to me. She has a sheet with all the various people she could potentially need to contact in case of an emergency with the children, including doctor, hospital, you, etc. and you’d be contacted if something were to happen with the children.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Do you have her BF's number?


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

She texted it to me once before she moved in case I "needed to get in contact" because her phone broke and was going to be out of commission for a few hours, I did not save it however. 

The kids do spend time with her boyfriend's ex's step daughter (who sits for his daughter--it's a mess!), as well as his sister. I guess I could ask for all of those numbers too but then it's obvious that I'm trying to be a jerk. I guess I could mention that if the kids are going to continue to spend time with these people I should probably have their numbers.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Moving and putting the kids in a new school was that something she need you to agree to ? I ask because you have 50/5 custody.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Moving and putting the kids in a new school was that something she need you to agree to ? I ask because you have 50/5 custody.


Theoretically, yes. I did not put up a fight because I wrongly assumed I could sell my house, and the new town has better schools and community amenities and a better commute for me.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Then be patient and sell the house. Share telephone number, advise you nanny to call you first gad only call her if you cannot be reached.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

since the nanny will have solo access to her kids, your ex needs the number. Imagine a situation where you can't be reached (phone stolen, not at home, whatever) and she needs to coordinate a handoff or remind them to take medicine, etc.

That said, tell the nanny to refer all questions to you, and tell you everytime the ex calls her (shouldn't happen much).


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Dear ex-wife,

The nanny I've hired has all the pertinent emergency contact information she requires in order to perform her duties both effectively and efficiently. That includes 911, the children's doctor(s) office(s), myself and of course your number. 

I cannot think of any reason that you would need to contact her dierctly for any sort of emergency. Should you need to contact her feel free to pose your questions to me; her employer.

Thank you,
Superdad


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> since the nanny will have solo access to her kids, your ex needs the number. Imagine a situation where you can't be reached (phone stolen, not at home, whatever) and she needs to coordinate a handoff or remind them to take medicine, etc.
> 
> That said, tell the nanny to refer all questions to you, and tell you everytime the ex calls her (shouldn't happen much).


Put an employee in that spot and you'll go through a lot of nannies. 

Ex doesn't need to remind anyone other than dad of anything. Doesn't need to coordinate with anyone other than dad. Nanny is a legal stranger to the situation.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Then be patient and sell the house. Share telephone number, advise you nanny to call you first gad only call her if you cannot be reached.



:iagree:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The nanny is an employee that is looking after your kids just as the school, childcare etc do. I'm sure you both have contact numbers for the schools so why is the nanny any different?

Honestly this is coming across as a bit passive aggressive.


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