# Relationship break ups and rights



## mary_jane (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm in a 9 year relationship with my boyfriend. We had an discussion about what will happen to our things that we accumulated during the duration of our relationship. He think that when our relationship ends that he will take everything he bought and i will take everything i bought and we will separate ways. But during the whole of our relationship he earned 4 times as much as I did so 80% of what we have 'belongs' to him because he payed for it. I feel like I will be trapped in this relationship because I will not be able to support myself and do not have the means to save while I'm earning so little - What is my rights? I used 100% of my earnings during our relationship for our relationship - i feel hopeless. Im not thinking about breaking up with him anytime soon but with this kind of disagreements i cant see that it will last much longer. 
#hopeless


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're going to breakup because you can't decide on how to split your material possessions when you breakup? 

Do you not see how silly that is? Break up with him because you're not married after going out for 9 years, if you must. But be willing and able to support yourself afterwords. 

EDIT: Oh, and talk to a lawyer or investigate "common law" relationships in your area for your rights. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

If your state has common law marriage living together for so long may allow a divorce proceeding to split assets. Otherwise don't live in fear. You want to leave so bad with your 20% then do it with your head held high. Shack up with some other guy who will be just as happy to know you aren't planning on taking him to the cleaners, too. Believe me another good man is not that hard to find. If your relationship of 9 years wasn't ever committed enough to marry, the split shouldn't even be painful so good luck and godspeed!


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## mary_jane (Aug 9, 2012)

Im not married to my partner because that is how we want it. We are not religious and up to now haven't been an issue. And i cant really see why you would think this is minor and silly. This is important to discuss - because in the end i will be the one that will be in the situation/disadvantage.


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## mary_jane (Aug 9, 2012)

mule kick thank you for the response - i have looked up the law. The law states that we will have to share everything 50/50 - and even knowing this he still thinks its unfair towards him. He thinks its fair that he gets to keep everything and im left with very little. Im just worried about the future - because that means i will be trapped until i can 'shack-up' with someone else or until he is finished with me. How sick is that? seems to me like a prison sentence.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

No it's not silly if you are thinking of breaking up. It is silly if everything is fine. After 9 years discussing how things will end? That's not a conversation you take seriously unless you are getting ready to end it.

Marriage isn't just for the religious. It's for the protection of both parties. It gives you legal access to medical records and decision making abilities. It gives a framework for the end of the marriage, too.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

You are lucky with your states laws. Consult.an attorney (it's free on the first visit) good luck however you do it!


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## mary_jane (Aug 9, 2012)

Is this a good enough reason to break up over or what can i do or say to make my point more evident?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mary_jane said:


> mule kick thank you for the response - i have looked up the law. The law states that we will have to share everything 50/50 - and even knowing this he still thinks its unfair towards him. He thinks its fair that he gets to keep everything and im left with very little. Im just worried about the future - because that means i will be trapped until i can 'shack-up' with someone else or until he is finished with me. How sick is that? seems to me like a prison sentence.


What he thinks is fair or not is pointless if the law is on your side, besides the possibility you may have a legal fight to get what's rightfully yours. 

And I apologize for saying that your thinking of breaking up is silly. Your concerns are how you feel. But it seems like you're concerned more about a possible future rather than enjoying the present reality. Ending an otherwise good relationship because of a possibility in the future seems wrong. Just my $0.02. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

The best advice I can give you is to develop a plan to improve your career skills so that "Can I make it on my own?" is not a consideration in whether you breakup or not. You need to be able to make decisions about your relationship from a position of strength, not weakness.


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## sausagestreet (Aug 25, 2011)

Do not let material stuff even influence your decision to be with someone...if you dont want to be there then dont be there but dont let stuff have anything to do with the decision.


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

I am not religious at all, I married (we didnt marry in church) my wife to give evidence of my commitment for our relationship and to give her some security. It is also a way to show somebody that he/she is the person that you wish to get old with (whether or not it works is a different story of course).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

mary_jane said:


> mule kick thank you for the response - i have looked up the law. The law states that we will have to share everything 50/50 - and even knowing this he still thinks its unfair towards him. He thinks its fair that he gets to keep everything and im left with very little. Im just worried about the future - because that means i will be trapped until i can 'shack-up' with someone else or until he is finished with me. How sick is that? seems to me like a prison sentence.


This is a time when you can learn the importance of looking out more for yourself. It sounds like you have been a bit co-dependent. If you do get 50% be happy but try to take it in cash, and move on with very little 'stuff' because 'stuff' requires a lot of money and time to take care of it all. What you want to be doing right now is looking into getting and education and a job where you can provide for yourself, even if in the future, you don't have to. 

Dependency is a choice. And it's not one to make lightly. You made a choice to be dependent and to put all of your earnings and time into a relationship. There's no shame in that, but now that is possibly ending and so you need to do something different, like instead of putting all that energy into someone else's life, give it to yourself first. You deserve it as much as he does! It's a habit but you'll get used to it, and in the next relationship you have perhaps things will be better balanced and you won't feel like making yourself dependent on a guy is a sign of love. If a guy gives you any grief in a relationship for looking out for yourself personally, financially and emotionally, it's time to move on. That's not a guy who is going to allow any fair balance in a relationship.

I separated from my children's father without marriage and we used court to settle things regarding the children, but that was then, now we just figure it out outside of the courts and its easier. As for the rest of it, some of our assets had comingled in odd ways, such as I left behind organic farming setup with fences and a barn and a tractor, and all of my furniture and appliances, and work I'd had done to level his back field. On the other hand, I'd been paying for all of the groceries and keeping house and working from home and looking after the kids, one of whom had a disability actually more than one, he had surgery and now takes maintenance meds for a thyroid condition. He had paid off my student loan from graduate school. But I also owned a house of my own that was rented out. I think when we parted ways it was more or less equal division and I left him with his house in his name. 

When I split from marriage I took even less, 7K but also got benefits for school, and left him with his house even though our state law is 50-50 I didn't want any of that, I just wanted to split.

You have to think about your goal in the split. In your case, you should take enough so that your contribution to the partnership is recognized, but not so much that you're not motivated to get an education and a better job. 

You don't need a fancy place, you can rent a room in a house with some other ladies or go to school and stay in a dorm or join the military. You are lucky you don't have kids, you have more choices, and also don't have to deal with custody or child support issues.

You'll only be as trapped as your imagination and lack of motivation make you. To me, it sounds like you will be free to do whatever you like. Lack of money doesn't mean lack of options. It mostly just means lack of money and many people even married people have to deal with that!

I want to add that this is not just a woman's issue. I am dating someone who was partnered for 17 years with a business and got the bomb dropped on the relationship. He had to find a new place to live, move his work equipment, and also purchase some of the inventory he wanted from his former partner since she elected to dissolve the business as well as the relationship. She owned the house they were living in, and fortunately moved out for 6 months so he had some space and time to figure out what to do. Also he's lucky he had a relative to borrow money from, but it has taken him a while to build up a sense of confidence that he can do it on his own. 

As for me, I'm in the same boat, I let myself be a little more not concerned about my financial situation because I trusted my husband. He put a house in his name, I moved and I got sick from stress and allergies and couldn't work. Fortunately he was deployed, so after I found out he was cheating and lying, I had about 6 months in the house on my own to figure out what I was going to do, and didn't have to worry about money for a while because we were still married and he had to support me during the deployment. Due to brain injury from my illness I couldn't go back to earning what I had been. I didn't plan adequately for that and while I'm recovering, I am lucky to have had scholarships and to find other work I can do that's just as fulfilling. I adjusted my expenses as I was accustomed to do before being married to someone who was a bit more spendy than I usually am. My kids and I really enjoy our new lifestyle.

Anyway, don't feel sorry that you're a woman and that's why this happened to you, there are plenty of men in life and also here on TAM who have had to figure out a whole new way to live after relationships fell apart. I used to think maybe a man had it easier, now I don't. I don't know why I used to think that, but now I believe it's an attitude, that's not related to gender unless you want it to be.

This is a time to take risks, and to do what it was that you dreamed of doing with your life, before you decided to give it away to another person. I have said before here on TAM that nobody is born to be subservient to anyone else, to do that to yourself is not so much an honor and respect to someone else, but pretty much telling God or the higher spirit that you have no regard for the creation of yourself. Everyone has their own purpose on earth, and it's not to support the happiness of someone else at the expense of your own security.


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