# Need advice?



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sad to be joining you with marital problems. I'll try to explain my situation. First off, I am disabled. I have multiple health problems but my disability is due to having nine back surgeries and nerve damage in my leg from one. I had to quit work after my second surgery. My husband and I are having troubles again for the second time. Six years ago he left, stayed gone partying and playing, doing drugs but eventually came home. I took him back but we had a talk about each of our issues. The problems seem to come mostly from his immaturity. I take care of everything and when some kind of major decision comes up or minor for that matter, I am the one to decide. I told him that my issues were his inability to grow up, take life seriously. He blamed everything on his mother and she was a problem in our marriage but I told him that some of the issues were his and his alone. My parents are both dead and I have no family left. We are living in my mother's old home. He blamed me for being a nag etc (insert words) so for the past six years I have really been careful of how I approach him. The problem comes with I have done all the changing and he hasn't. When you ask someone kindly to stop doing something about 6 times and they don't I tend to get more sarcastic. But it is far from the hellstorm I used to go into. You cannot talk with him. He will not sit down and communicate when he has a problem. He just blows me off and refuses to talk always using the same ole phrase, I can't talk to you. He lies to me at the drop of a hat and thinks nothing of it. He has severe anger issues and has for the past 2 years. He drinks a 12pack every day now. I have told him for months that we need to sit down and talk but he won't. About 10 days ago he pulled his same ole routine and left, then calls me and says, we need to talk, yet he has yet to do that. I've called him and told him that the doctor phoned me and told me that my recent tests came back positive and I must start treatment for thyroid cancer and I've yet to hear from him. I also told him that our income tax checks were back and I needed him to sign them so I can put in bank. Right now he is not working. He is waiting for a pipeline job to kick off. He actually expects me to keep paying his bills. Today I get the cellphone bill and find that he has been texting a lot to someone from the area of his last job. I snoop a bit and find out it is another woman. How he could do this to me is unreal. I have no income but around 800.00 disability check. I cannot support myself on that. I am on his insurance so I can get my medications with just a copay since medicare part d is a joke....it doesn't help at all. If I had to pay full price for my drugs the bill per month would be close to 2000.00. I have been on a pain med for about 5 years now to keep my pain at a minimum and it is 300.00 a month and when I cannot afford it, I will go thru withdrawal symptoms. I recently underwent a cervical surgery that I am not completely well from. There are things I cannot do around home anymore due to the disability and if he leaves I will be doomed. I will lose my parents home and land. It just makes me sick when I think of what he is doing to me. It's not like I can just say ok take off, I cannot work and I have no income to speak of. This time with another woman involved, I think he is gone for good. I guess he intends to just walk and let this newfound cancer take me out of his way for good.

We've been married for 16 years and both of us are in mid to late 40's.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I spoke with his father yesterday and he called him and told him that he needed to contact me....told his dad he would, he did not! I was hoping someone may have saw my post and could offer some advice or at least some ideas on what I should do. I don't plan to contact him any further. I thought someone on here would offer some further suggestions. My situation is pretty dire and I am going thru this completely alone and could use some advice. I'm not in a good place mentally right now and the physical speaks for itself.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I understand fully what you are going thru as far as the husband is concerned. 

Your husband is going thru the mid-life crisis stage. But this problem is magnified by an underlying problem. When you stated he had always been immature, irresponsible, and sarcastic , that clued me in even more. You are probably looking at the "Peter Pan Syndrome". There's a really nice book out there (although out of print) titled "The Peter Pan Syndrome" by Dr. Dan Kiley. This book will really help you understand what is going on. Unfortunately, most men with this syndrome can't be "fixed".

Now on to your health.....You can probably get your drug bill way down. Explain to your doctor(s) that you can no longer afford the medication. There are drugs with generic equivalents for most conditions. That's really the secret to managing the Medicare Part D and the "doughnut hole". For example, Celebrex has no generic equivalent, but Mobic does. Making those changes will save a lot of money. And for the brand drugs with no generic, see if the doctor can sign you up for one of the drug assistance programs.

Are you a religious person? From my personal standpoint, I believe many health problems can be improved by working on the "soul". Joining a church (if not already a member) can be a wonderful place to start. You will be able to connect with people who really care about you. In addition, you will have a minister or priest available for "counseling". I sense you spend much time alone. Sometimes that allows our minds to dwell on the negative aspects of our lives and makes us feel unloved. Try to get out and meet positive people. I'm really sorry you don't have any family to lean on at this time. My close family has really given me encouragement and lifted my spirits over the past year. But, you will find many positive and caring people on this forum

Good luck and may God bless you.....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks so much for your response. I agree about the mid-life crisis type stuff but the affair he is having is quite definite. The phone bill speaks for itself. I will try to find the book you mentioned.

As for my meds, I am on several generics already to keep the drug bill down. My pain physician tried me on several different types of drugs before finding one that worked. Prior to that, I could barely walk anywhere except back and forth to the bathroom on a walker. After starting the med and with a few months physical therapy, I was able to start walking again. I've tried to go back to cheaper drugs and each time, my condition deteriorated. I am in hopes that my doctor can get this med thru some type discount program for me and has told me that he believed he could but as long as I was still married, legally his income counted and they would turn me down. 

I think this time, he won't file for divorce because when he spoke with a lawyer they told him that he would have to pay spousal support for me for the rest of my life as the disability occured during the marriage. Because I have no income other than disability he would be expected to take care of everything unless I remarried. It appears that this time he is just going to leave and carry on with this other woman without asking for a divorce. I suspect she is the type that wouldn't care anyway because if she will go after a married man with a wife in the condition I am, she can't be a woman of high character to begin with, thus shacking up sounds like no problem to her. This situation will hurt me more as far as my well being goes and ability to survive financially. I think he is trying to force me to file and highly suspect he will take a job that pays cash just so he isn't forced to support me. How else can I view things when I called and told him that I have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and he doesn't seem to care what happens? 

Yes, I do spend a lot of time alone. It is due to my inability to do a lot of things because of my disability though. I am a spiritual person and do go to church on the days that my condition allows me to sit thru the service. For the most part since being on the drug I mentioned before, I am able to go every week. I like the pastor there but unfortunately he is retiring this month. 

I can't believe after all these years of being supportive and standing by me thru all of this, he would do this to me. I chalked the last time up to mid life crisis stuff and his mother was seriously coming between us. She has sense passed but he had major issues with her. She treated him badly when he was growing up and there definitely were mental issues on her part. She controlled him literally. He will tell you without hesitation that he hated her and is glad she is gone which I think is a horrible thing and cannot deep down believe he seriously means it but truly his actions do speak that he does. I think that because she kept him on a leash that is why he is having a hard time growing up because he never got to experience what most of us do. But by the age of 45, the majority of the world does realize that you have to be responsible but I've seen many who don't sadly.

It makes me angry that I've tried so hard and kept so much in since the last time and he has put forth no effort whatsoever. I feel like I have walked on egg shells and he went forward with his same ole same ole routine. I almost feel like he was using me as a substitute mother and if I said a word he didn't want to hear, he gave me the treatment he wished he could have given his mother. He knows he has the upper hand because I have no alternatives but to put up with his crap due to my situation. This is the most CRUEL and HEARTLESS things that one human could do to another. If the situation were in reverse I could never let him go thru cancer alone regardless of how I felt within the marriage. I can't take on anymore medical debt that I can't afford and he knows that. 

I do thank you for your response. If anything it helps to just talk to someone else. Thank you for your blessing because I do need all the prayers in the world right now. Hard to deal with marriage issues and disease with no help both. I feel sorry that any of us has to be here and do hope that everyone else's problems work out. I do understand and always willing to listen to others.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm heart broken for you, toomany. I wish there were an easy answer to all of this. The best thing you can do is try to stay positive and, like Aug said, get out of the house. Join a support group (social group, anything) at your church so you can meet some people. You really need emotional support to get through this.

Do you know any lawyers? I know it'd be expensive but it sounds like you need to get an attorney. You can't let yourself stay trapped in this situation of your husband being gone but not divorcing you thus leaving you broke and helpless and alone. I'm sure there is a way around this-a way where you could file for divorce and still get the spousal support you deserve.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Appreciate your kindness KMDillon. Yes I have contacted a lawyer already and updated her on the situation. She said that because my only income was disability if he filed for divorce that he would be required to pay his costs and mine because disability money can't be touched by anyone, not even a lawyer. Her mom and my mom were good friends so she told me she would be happy to represent me. She told me to sit back, do nothing but to keep her informed of anything i.e. contact, divorce papers being served, etc.. 

So far nothing has happened. He refuses to return my calls. I got my father-in-law to call him again yesterday to ask him to come sign the income tax refund checks and he told his dad he would but he never showed or called. I also informed my father-in-law that I have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and need treatment but under the circumstances I refuse to take on any more medical debt without talking to him since I am on his insurance. His dad wasn't aware of it and seemed pretty disgusted with him and called H but he never called or came. 

I left him another voice mail this morning requesting that he sign them and updated him on our joint account finances and the fact that we needed the money. I told him that none of his bills could /would get paid unless he came and signed the checks and the money deposited because I had paid a ton of the bills that were now coming in from my cervical surgery from January. I've not mentioned to him that I have seen the cell phone bill, have seen proof of his ongoing affair, have her name and address and can see his truck parked in front of her house via bird's eye view google earth! I wasn't ugly, just explained the circumstances and asked him again to please contact me.

My church is a small country church as I live in a rural area and the town that is nearby has only about 2000 inhabitants. Not a lot going on here socially. I will try to at least get out and do some window shopping because God knows I can't afford to buy anything that is not essential. I haven't eaten a bite since he left and I know it's not good but I just can't eat right now. Worry, fear, sadness and complete devastation are taking control right now because everything is so fresh. 

As for me filing, that is what he trying to force I do believe and it may come down to it just for survival although I don't want a divorce. I ask myself everyday why I love someone who would treat me so horribly? If I weren't sick, this would be different. I've always heard there is a thin line between love and hate and he must absolutely hate me if he won't even help when he knows I was diagnosed with cancer. He will get a job that pays cash and move out of this town so he cannot be found to get around paying me spousal support. Karma will get him on this one I believe.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Along with his father, I too am pretty disgusted with him. It sounds like you're handling this perfectly. Talking to an attorney, staying calm, and finding help on these blogs (especially since such a small town doesn't lend to making new friends easily). And I think it's probably best you haven't mentioned the phone calls/affair. It's pretty obvious at this point he doesn't even care if you know about it. 

I have to apologize, I just assumed you wanted a divorce. I totally understand and commend you for not wanting to file.

I don't think it sounds like he hates you. It sounds like he hates himself. He's got to have serious insecurity issues. He isn't man enough to face anything, obviously, and would rather stay in denial. I don't mean to bash your husband, I know you love him, but I just think you should see that the problem is not you. You've obviously got a lot of love to offer someone and you deserve someone who will give it back.

You've very right about karma getting him back. He's making a nasty bed for himself that he'll eventually have to lay in.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well after all this abusive treatment I'm not saying I won't file. I may have to for survival's sake. He has sunk lower than a snake's belly right now in my book and that thin line of love/hate may be on my side soon, especially if he literally lets me die from lack of good medical care. Of course I can get care but it won't be as good as with his insurance. Unfortunately I know the medical side of things as I used to be in the medical field. I know how it goes for patients who only have medicare/medicaid. 

I have already had to suffer withdrawals from pain meds too by accident. I was taking several of meds at one time and my pain med fell out of my hand and rolled under the couch where I didn't see it. Within 12 hours I was so sick and suffered beyond belief. My H finally saw the pill under the edge of the couch the next day and told me. Then I realized that I was in withdrawal. Took the med and got better within an hour. The thought of having to go back on a med that doesn't handle the pain as well and what would happen if I couldn't afford the medicines at all, unbearable pain and withdrawal......I can't go thru that again. 

I've prayed every moment to God to please hear my prayers to shake sense into him and please not let this happen to me but I also know that His will will be what it is. Maybe this is how it is all supposed to happen but believe me, I am so afraid!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately, if this is the "Peter Pan Syndrome", you'll have to be the one to file for divorce. He lives in "Never Never Land". And the other woman is a "Tinker Belle". This other woman will get tired of him after a while. She will simply flutter on to another man.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I agree with you Aug....just to get the financial support I will desperately need, probably to no avail. I'm so hurt over all this and my thoughts are eating me alive right now. You are right though, she is a two bit tinkerbell and she will flutter away. I have to fight cancer right now, I can't fight both. He has hurt me so much.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

It seems another day is coming to an end with H not coming to sign the refund checks. We decided to mail the taxes instead of rapid refund so we'd get all the money. Now I wish we hadn't. At least I could have gone ahead and gotten half of it if it had been direct deposited. I'm still in a very bad place and have cried most of the day wondering how on earth I deserve to be treated this way. Even though my father-in-law acted disgusted with H's actions I know he will still take H's side on this thing because blood is thicker than water as they say. How on earth can someone you've spent 16 years with turn out to be so cruel?


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I am not calling my husband today and pushing him to sign the refund checks. I am however going to speak with the lawyer this afternoon about what I can possibly do about getting my half of the refund as I desperately need the money. I am in limbo with the medical care because he could drop me from the insurance in a hot minute. I cannot believe that he is treating me this way when he knows I should begin treatment for this cancer. Can any of you guys shed any light on why he would be this cruel to me right now?


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I know part of it is his anger issue and his alcohol abuse but to not care about a woman you spent 16 years with that desperately needs to start treatment for cancer? That is beyond cruel. Can any of the gentlemen on the forum give me any insight as to what would push a man to do this? Does he seriously want me dead?


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well be proud of me, I did not call my husband at all today. On the flip side of the coin, he has yet to call or come by regarding my recent health developments or to sign the checks. I talked with one of his old bosses today. He stopped by to see "us" and he was shocked when I told him about the newly discovered affair and his treatment of me. He hugged me and told me that no matter what his wife did to make him angry there is no way on God's green earth that he would ever do this to his wife if she were in my condition. He offered his help to come and mow my grass at least as it is pretty out of hand right now due to all the rain. He is a sweet man. I told him I appreciated it because my little dog can barely go out and take care of business. It's a weenie dog and you know how short their little legs are. Oh well, I made it thru another day, now on to the night......


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well my situation just worsened! My father-in-law was killed day before yesterday morning in a car accident. Tried and tried to get husband to answer cell phone but he wouldn't so I had to send him a text to let him know it was an emergency about his Dad. He finally did contact me and of course he was 2 hours away with his new girlfriend. He lied to me and told me he was somewhere else but the amount of time it took him to get home said different.

When we first talked he was acting like husband, needing me and said I love you when we finally hung up. Told him I was going to his dad's house after I talked with authorities and to meet me there. Went there and was trying to pick up and clean while waiting. Then I get a call from him telling me not to touch anything in his dad's house and to get out of there and leave his stuff alone. I told him I was there because people were showing up. He hung up on me. When he finally got there he was cold and barely let me hug him. He was ashamed because he couldn't be found when his daddy got killed and he was caught by me because it took him and hour and a half longer to get home than where he told me he was and it was just the right amount of time from his gf's house. His cousin comes over and gets into it with me and it was quiet apparant that he has twisted the story of what was wrong in our marriage to justify his actions. I told her that if she had a problem with me, we'd take it up later but now was not the time to be starting this crap. I don't think she knows my husband has turned into an alcoholic and has been unfaithful with affair with OW. After she left husband tells me to leave and I said ok I will leave. I am going home to wash and press the clothes you will need and to get your suit etc. together. So about 3 hours later he comes to our house and he could still barely look me in the eyes and was being abusive verbally. I told him that I knew he was hurting over his Dad and I was sorry it had happened. He continued to verbally abuse me and I told him that I loved him but that I would not continue to put up with this treatment. I told him I was his wife and I was trying my best to support him but that I was not a doormat and would not continue to sit and allow him to verbally and mentally abuse me regardless of what had happened. He then told me he didn't want me to come to his dad's wake/funeral etc.. I said, Fine but know this, you have yet to sit down and talk to me about things that needed discussing and told him that I now knew why. Told him I knew about the OW and how long it had been going on, told him that I knew he had been telling me lies and that he had betrayed me and broken his marriage vows. Told him that I knew he was thinking he was getting away with this and was keeping me hanging on just in case the other didn't work out but this time I was not going to. I told him I was sick and tired of the passive aggressive treatment, him making others think he was a saint while twisting things to justify his actions. I told him that I had tried to get him to talk over and over but because he can't grow up that he doesn't know how to express his emotions. His face showed shock that I had found out about his lies and deception. I told him that I knew the guilt of what he was doing was eating him alive and because he is so emotionally immature that he was treating me this way, with all the anger, blame placing on my side, etc.. So yes, I BLEW UP! He doesn't care about me or us or anything. He is hating himself right now because I know him well enough that he feels this is KARMA....payback for what he has done to me. 

I could not sit there and put up with that treatment when all I was trying to do is support him. I don't think there is anything in this marriage left to save. His actions and treatment of me in my condition with all the health problems tell me he doesn't care. When a man can walk away from a woman that is disabled, would have no income after he did it, and leave her to deal with cancer alone he is a sorry excuse of a man! I am over trying.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Dang, sometimes it just goes from hard to harder, huh. I'm sorry to how things are stacking up for you.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Smitten. Yes, he has set me up pretty good. Found out that he has put me vehicle up as collateral for the new truck that he bought 3 months ago. Now if it isn't paid, I am out a vehicle. He knows I won't be able to pay it. He is a sorry excuse of a man. He wasn't man enough to tell me to my face that he didn't want to be with me anymore, didn't care about my disabilities or even if I was alive for that matter. I guess he may get that wish since its hard to fight cancer with all this going on in my life.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I am so miserable tonight. I can't sleep and I'm so angry at my H for the things he has done. I am angry that he acted so ugly when I tried to be supportive due to his father's tragic death. Beyond angry that he never opened his mouth and expressed any unhappiness and simply livid that he has left me to fend for myself, deal with cancer and wonder why he would walk out when I need someone the most. He could have been honest and told me it was over but he was such a wuss that he snuck out like a coward after he had his little affair and decided she was better for him and to heck with our 16 years. I'm not in a good place right now!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I read your story and was hoping for a happier ending. I am very, very sorry. No woman, regardless of disability, should be treated like that. I wish I had some better advice or words of encouragement. I suggest the quicker you get a divorce, the more peace you can have in your life. Just the emotional burden is enough to bring you down. I think as women, we tend to hold on to toxic relationships and want to save people. Sometimes, it's best to let go.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Sensitive. Yes, he won't file because he has what he wants....away from me and with her. He will not file, wants to force me to....he'll just "starve" me out by not giving me any money to pay bills, etc.. Jerk went into account yesterday and took 300.00 and didn't even bother to let me know. He is so irresponsible, doesn't even check to see if I've written any checks etc. and that amount is in the account to take with an overdraft. I have a call in to my lawyer to question her about what direction to take.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Haven't been able to eat at all today. The stress of all this is killing me. How can someone you spent 16 years with treat you like this?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry things aren't looking any better. On the joint bank accounts, there is something you can do. Go open a new account and move the funds to the new account. There is no sense in letting him have that too. I really believe you have a "Peter Pan" on your hands.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

By law though don't I have to leave half in the account for him?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> Haven't been able to eat at all today. The stress of all this is killing me. How can someone you spent 16 years with treat you like this?


I am so sorry toomanytears... after you explained your situation on my thread I feel terrible that I am worried about my situation when yours is so much more troubling.. I feel for all that you are going through.. it would have been 16 years for me too in May.... its sad that good people are treated like we are for the sake of an affair... we didnt deserve what has happened to us yet we will come out much better off.... I believe in Karma and I hope both of our stbx's get what they deserve........ hang in there and God bless..........

Skin.....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks skin.....hurt is all the same for everyone despite circumstances. Yes, my sitch is a little different but your heart has been trampled on the same as mine and that pain is the same. Karma does happen and part of it already did this past friday when his father was killed in the accident. I have begged him for years to find a gentle way to take the keys away from his dad because he was getting old and feeble, reactions not sharp anymore. He has had several fender benders. I told husband it wouldn't be easy but it should be done or it was inevitable that this might happen. Told him to tell his dad I could drive him anywhere he needed to go. Husband kept procrastinating because that is how he is about everything. He wasn't mature enough to handle any minor things in our marriage. I had to be the one to deal with it all. Now you and I both know that God was just ready to call his father home but husband will see it differently....it will continue to fuel his anger and resentments. He will whine and cry that nothing in his world goes right yet he does nothing to improve it. He wouldn't have even gotten the good job that he has worked for the past year if it wasn't for me. He was laid off from a job due to the economy and I called a friend and they gave him a job because of me. He will never grow up, will never take the blame for his actions and run from situations when he feels it's "too hard". Yes, skin, you and I will be better off when all this is behind us. God bless you too.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

You sound like a good woman Toomanytears.... even after everything still trying to help him out.... I am the same way with my ex... she is struggling financially and I feel for her and help her when i can... Does she apprecaite it... I doubt it but I would like to think the woman I married would do the same for me.... Maybe thats wishful thinking on my part when I know she could care less how I struggle daily... I dont know anymore... I would like to think that in the end she will et what she deserves... I spoke with her a little while ago and she told me how she talked with our daughter and she is ok with the divorce... i dont believe that at all.. She would much rather have her family together than the way it is...

Keep up with the good attitude you would be surprised how much it helps and with time you will look back and wonder why all the tears you shed over someone who definetely didn't deserve you....... I believe the Lord will look out for the good people like you and me..... Oneday we will be healed and hopefully have someone else in our lives to appreciate just what we have to offer...

Private message me anytime you want to chat...
Hang in there you will get through this...

Best wishes...
Skin....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks skin....I believe our spouses will get what is coming to them eventually. I wouldn't take it at face value "her talk" with your daughter. I'd have a sit down with daughter too if I were you. I agree with what you said, that kids would rather have their family together over divorce. Older children might see it differently if there has been fighting etc. but the majority want their families in tact.

Yes, the Lord will take care of us skin....I believe that with all my heart. One day you are right that we will look back on all this and be relieved it ended and yes someone out there will be just right for us both although it will take some time for both of us to heal before that happens. You are a good man skin, I can tell that by everything you have done to try and fix your marriage. Most men would have said to heck with it and walked. My attitude is much better now that I told husband I knew about his OW. Yes I am worried for my future but I know that God will take care of me. He will take care of us both. Please feel free to PM me as well and keep up all your hard work too.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well, I go in and pay my husband's truck note because if it doesn't get paid, I lose my vehicle as he put my car up as collateral when he purchased a truck a few months ago. I scheduled it via billpay to be paid today. On Saturday, I check the balance on account and he has gone in and taken 500 bucks out. He thinks I have deposited the entire amount of our income tax refund into the joint account. I haven't even deposited it yet. Because of his irresponsibility in not checking the balance at the ATM, not to mention he didn't bother to call and ask if I had paid any large bills, spent or debited etc., he put the account in the red. He stupidly thinks I am paying his bills. He has a few loans and some credit cards that are in his name only. I am just sitting there watching them stack up as I am not going to play secretary and care for his bills while he is having affair and leaving me to fend for myself. I talked with lawyer today and told her I was putting half in the account for him and half in a seperate account of mine. I have no way of contacting him and he just thinks I am taking care of it all. This is my typical irresponsible husband. I am going to be furious if he blows thru all that money because I don't have enough to pay his note so I will lose my car which is my only transportation to and from doctors, etc. He is so hateful!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

toomanytears--
this is heartbreaking as i read it from the outside in...i read what your husband is like and i spot a few traits that pi$$ me off...using your car title as collateral on a loan, taking 300 bucks out of the account...stupid s#it that we do when we think we're smarter than we really are...

his attitude toward your health problems is deplorable...i don't understand how a MAN can be so uncaring...but maybe he cares about himself more...god...sickening.

irresponsible is right...he is...i'm saying a prayer for you tonight...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks for the prayer voivod.....I certainly need plenty of them. Yes he didn't even tell me that he put my car up as collateral. I found out after he left me when I was digging thru the files getting paperwork I knew I would need for divorce before he got his hands on all of it. I looked and couldn't believe my eyes. I've heard nothing from him since the day his father died and he treated me like crap when I was trying to support him. I went for my first appointment with the oncologist today and he has given me three different chemo meds to begin tomorrow. 

Yes, he only cares about himself. He is a complete jerk. I am pretty certain he was already involved with the OW when he found the truck and took out the loan. I ask God every night why all this is happening to me? I know that is self pity but good grief, the hits just keep on coming. I wish and wish that one day God will let me meet someone that is truly a good man and I would know for once in my life what it feels like to be taken care of and loved completely and vice versa......someone that appreciates my love for them. I did everything for him even when I could barely stand the pain and this is what thanks I get?

If it weren't for the support you guys give me here I would go insane. I appreciate all of you, more than any of you know.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Toomanytears, I'm so sorry I didn't check back in sooner. This is all so awful. I'm absolutely heartbroken for you. You have every right to wonder why this is all happening to you- it's obvious you're not just sitting around letting life happen and blaming it all on everyone else. You've been dealt a terrible hand that you don't deserve. I admire your spirit. It's so important that you stay as positive as possible (easy for me to say, huh?).

What does the lawyer say about this? Doe she have a plan for you? The good news about having such a lazy, cowardly husband is that maybe if you play your cards right he won't fight you on it.

Its especially upsetting you've lost your father-in-law because it seems he was your one hope for getting to your husband, but it seems getting a reaction or any kind of interaction from you husband is a lost cause as it is.

I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you out of this hell you're in, but I don't. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. My hope is that a divorce will be your first step towards feeling empowered, taking your life by the horns and fighting this cancer into the ground. Please keep updating us.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks KMDillon......yes it has not been fun. I actually spoke with my father-in-law the day before he was killed. He had called me to check on me. He told me he was so sorry that his son was acting like this and was so disappointed in his behavior. He had figured out that he was cheating on me too, he told me. I told his dad that I wish he had been a man and talked with me face to face rather than being a coward and sneaking out. His dad agreed and said he certainly raised him better than this and felt like he was into some things that he shouldn't be. He was a sweet man and I will miss him. I am angry that my husband didn't allow me to come to his funeral. 

My lawyer told me that my being abandoned and being disabled, fighting cancer put me in a great position with the judge and he would probably force husband to provide for me. She wants me to wait a bit and if it appeared husband wouldn't file that we would. I have taken half the money and put into my seperate account and she instructed me to pay bills with his in the joint account. Just before it gets empty, take my name off account. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about my car though and if it's not paid, he loses truck and I lose car. She said to be prepared for that possibility but we would ask for a replacement vehicle as part of divorce settlement. Of course she said if I could get in touch with him or he finally contacts me to inform him. Fat chance of that happening. He changed his cell number and I have no idea where he is now.

So.....I'm biding time right now. I do know I don't want this sorry excuse of a man back! My situation is different from most here though and my husband has killed any ounce of love I ever had for him. Karma is going to be a $%#@* for him!


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

This is so great that you have a specific plan. Your lawyer is right that your awful situation will definitely help you win over any judge. I hope you continue to feel empowered by all of this. It's great to hear you say you don't want him back- you deserve so much more! Keep updating!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes KMDillon, I deserve better. I've put up with his immaturity, his alcoholism, mental and verbal abuse, all his lies and now cheating. Honestly, I would be better off alone for the rest of my life than tolerate him for one more second. He has issues that I don't want to deal with anymore. 

As you've probably heard this before, "business is fixing to pick up" because he has a stack of bills that I have not and will not pay. He will blow a gasket when he loses his property and his beloved motorcycle! I am soooooo going to enjoy watching it happen. Gonna say sorry bud, but if you thought for one second that I'd see that your bills got paid while you were out having affair with OW, you need a reality check. This is how irresponsible and yet arrogant he is. He thinks that he can go play and I will just forgive him and take him back! Not this time!!!!! I know this sounds mean but if you guys knew how he was really you'd be cheering me on. I've taken and taken and taken abuse from him but it ENDS NOW!!!!!


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I AM cheering you on, girl! I'm so proud of you. And, honestly, I will enjoy hearing about him losing all his precious things that you were supposed to "gratefully" take care of for him!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Indeed......I made his credit excellent and I can take it to the bottom of pile too..........DUE TO HIS STUPIDITY!!!! He is a piece of work thinking that I will take of all this....FOOL describes him better! I have yet to here from him or see him.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

so glad to read what you have written Toomanytears.. you are a strong lady and will come out of this just fine.. With an attitude like yours you are bound and determined to live a better life.. You dont need a loser like him in your life.. From our conversations you are a very special Lady and deserve to be happy with someone who appreciates all that you have to offer... it his loss... remember that as you move forward with your positive attitude....

Keep in touch and if you need anything you let me know...

 your in my prayers..


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Amen to I don't need this loser...that is all he is. I am glad that I have so many nice people here to support me. Skin you also deserve the best life possible. I am glad that you are starting to move forward with things. We can both look back now and realize what we had wasn't making us happy at all. Once all of this is behind us, we'll soon find that life really is better. Thanks for being a friend. I hope only the best for you.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Update for you guys:

I am tolerating the meds well. I was so afraid they would make me feel awful with all the throwing up, etc. So far, no adverse effects. I am grateful indeed!

Still no contact from H.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

My worthless husband cleaned out another 500.00 chunk of change out of our joint account on Saturday morning. Still haven't heard one word from him. I expect I will when he realizes I haven't paid his bills and the bank now owns his land!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> My worthless husband cleaned out another 500.00 chunk of change out of our joint account on Saturday morning. Still haven't heard one word from him. I expect I will when he realizes I haven't paid his bills and the bank now owns his land!


Way to GO!!! Toomanytears... look after yourself and f-him... its his mess to clean up you take care of yours... Wishing you the best....

Skin..


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Skin...I found out today that he is working with his cousin and making money under the table. I called and informed my lawyer. He's an SOB! I told you guys he would do this!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> Thanks Skin...I found out today that he is working with his cousin and making money under the table. I called and informed my lawyer. He's an SOB! I told you guys he would do this!


Your welcome... good job calling your attorney let him know everything... take him to the cleaners TMT.. 

Keeping you in my prayers...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Having a bum day today. Can't help feeling the depression today. I guess I am thinking about the future and wondering how I will pay for all sorts of stuff that will happen eventually such as replacing appliances, new roof on house, a new vehicle when I need one, etc. let alone the basics. It's hard to not have those things on my mind. Even getting the lawn mowed is a major issue for me now. I can't help being scared of my future and today is the day I guess I am asking "why me?"


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hello toomanytears...

I wanted to check in with you and see how things were going.. reading your post you sound really bummed and I understand completely how you feel... There will be those days that your thoughts wonder to the future and all the what ifs...

Here is something to think about...

*You cant change the past but you can sure ruin today worrying about tomorrow.... *

When thoughts of the future and all the maybe's and what ifs start getting to you remember that you can only control today... try and put thoughts like where they belong.. out of your mind... 

Keep praying and remember that better days are ahead for you... So how have you been feeling physically ? hopefully the meds are still working..

I am praying for you TMT... god bless


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Skin....you are such a kind man! Yes I know that all you say is true...sure cannot control the future and silly to make myself sicker worrying. I am putting it all into God's hands and I trust him to see me thru it. Just had a bad day or two but my spirits are back up. I am actually tolerating the meds very well which I am so thankful for. I've only had a day or two where I felt like my energy level was drained but I've had it worse so all in all I think I am doing very well. Fortunately the cancer was caught in the beginning stages so I have a very good chance at recovery. 

Hope all is well with you. I know you were bummed about the house but think of it this way....if you had kept it you would be reminded constantly of your life with your wife and it would probably drive you insane with those memories. I know it is still hard but you will be able to let it go one day. Divorce just SUCKS...everything about it! We will get thru it though

God Bless you and thanks for the prayers, I keep you in mine.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Toomanytears... 

I would like to think I am a compassioante man and listening to to your story breaks my heart.. I am glad to hear that the medication seems to be working well for you... That in itself is something to be thankfull for.. During times like these we seem to lose sight of all that we have.. We have life, we are able to take a breath after breath and enjoy the warmth of the sun on our faces yet we forget these things in our time of sorrow......I know oneday you will look back and think of how strong you were during the most difficult times and be proud of how you made it through and what a stronger woman you have become...

We have and will grow from our experiences with the things we are going through... our former spouses wont... they took the easy route and blamed us for their unhappiness when in fact it was always within them...

You mentioned my house... You know each day i get stronger and the power that she had over my emotions is going away... yes it was my house... but it is no longer a home to me..... I look forward to the day that i will have my own home with no memories of her in it..... She will always see me in that house as long as she lives there.... You will be fine TMT... I know that the Lord wont allow anything that you cant handle... Be strong and know that there are many people who care for you and are praying for you.... Thank you for being a friend when I needed one so badly..

Skin


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

It's easy to be your friend Skin! You are a great guy and I am so fortunate to have met you on here. It helps me to get thru all this when I know that there are others here going thru it too. 

I finally had to break down and call my husband regarding a hospital bill since the insurance is in his name. The insurance hasn't paid on it because the hospital didn't get it precertified. They would only talk with him so this is why I had to contact him. I left a message at his father's place where I heard he was staying. He did finally call and I kept the call about business. He finally asked how I was doing? I said, how do you think? We talked for a bit, I told him that I thought after being married for 16 years that he at least owed it to me to sit down and be honest for once in his life. Told him that we needed to have a face to face about bills, etc. and he agreed. I told him to get in touch with me when he was ready but that it had to be when I was also available. He talked to me for about 40 minutes and was talking like we were still together as though nothing was wrong. It irritated me to no end! I told him that all of this was on him because I had asked him over and over for the past year to sit down and discuss things and he would never do it. His big excuse was that he wasn't raised to talk about feelings! Can you believe that??? I told him that was a cop out. I told him that it sure was easy for him to lie to my face and begin an affair! I told him that he acted like a coward and snuck out like one and that he would never have a successful relationship without talking about feelings. It was just an excuse guys...plain and simple. He makes me sick!! He even lied to me at the very start of the conversation saying he had just gotten home from work. He left work at 3:00p and didn't call till 6:00p. Totally unnecessary lie. He thinks I will feel sorry for him thinking he is working all the time. I am not going to fall for his lies though. There is no way I will ever believe another word that comes out of his mouth with good reason. I finally ended the conversation myself. Can you believe this guy?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Toomanytears,

I am so sorry that you had a difficult conversation with him... As for the lies I dont understand them myself... Mine Lies to me constantly about the dumbest things and it just makes me wonder what else she has lied about.... I hope the insurance bill gets taken care of I know what a pain those things can be...And Thanks TMT...  I also appreciate the friendship I have made with you.. You are always in my prayers and I am sure when all is said and done you will come out of this a much stronger and more determined woman... Look at it this way.. Your going to beat the cancer that you have, and your going to survive the crappy situation that we find ourselves in...  Hang in there friend there are better days ahead for you !!! The Lord wouldn't have it any other way...

God bless.....
Skin


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Skin.....I know you are right. Today has been a really bad day. Today was my anniversary and I rode by his dad's house with a friend and it appears he has moved his new woman in with him there. I've also heard some comments that he has made that are nothing but outright lies. You see he looks so bad by walking out on his disabled wife that before he left he had been talking smack about me to some of the guys he worked with to make it look like he had a reason to leave. He is such a liar!!!!! He really makes me sick. I cannot believe his aunt who lives across the road is condoning this behavior but of course she believes all the lies he has told! I've decided that I am going to tell him to come this week and speak with me about everything, plus give me some money and if he doesn't, I am going to have to file divorce papers myself to get anything out of him. I don't know what else to do.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

TMT... my heart aches for what you are going through ... Sorry you spent your anniversary alone.. Mine is coming up on the 24th of May...What will I do.. Well to be honest I am going to the liquour store and getting a bottle... I will sit down by myself and have a few toasts... First one for the good times in my marriage.. there were many the second one to my daughter that she blessed me with... The 3rd and 4th will be to her new man for taking away my problem...... :lol:

I dont know why they must lie and belittle us TMT.. my only guess is to make themselves look better and not like the a-holes that they have become... its much easier to get sympathy when people think your at fault...... I know mine did the same thing she told all of her family what a mean and violent person I was and how she was lucky to have survived....

Well they know me and know that its all BS... dont worry what he says to his friends they are not yours... Your friends and family will know the truth and thats all that matters... Please dont drive by the house ... that will only hurt you more and its not something you need to see... i did the same thing and I would come away feeling worse for it...... Look to your future TMT.. you are battling a life threatening disease and thats where your focues needs to be.... On you and not HIM !!!!
Your the most important person in your life now..... Without a healthy you how will you take care of your daughter..... Please remember that !!! Its all about you now...... time to get selfish and live for yourself and your daughter...... I wish you the best TMT... my thoughts and prayers remain with you.....

Skin.......


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Just an update to say nothing has changed. He has yet to come and talk with me. I've called twice and asked for money and he hasn't returned my calls. This man is a worthless piece of crap! His new woman is still there living at his dad's house. His reputation is sooooo trashed here. Everyone that knows thinks he is sorry as hell.....and he IS!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

He is supposed to come and give me some money today. I won't hold my breath!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

toomanytears said:


> He is supposed to come and give me some money today. I won't hold my breath!


I am sorry for all the crap that your ex-man has put you through, Skinman has been helpful to me as well. Our stories are a bit different but our wives treat us the same for no reason, lie for no reason, left for no reason, our anniversaries are one day apart and we were married for the same amount of time. Our only difference is I have not had proof that she is cheating but I am sure it will come. You are at the anger point which I am sure helps you make it through the day, I get angry and then start thinking of her with someone else and my anger changes to hurt feelings. I want my wife back and am having trouble moving on but I will have to figure a way out of this hole pretty soon. Hang in there and keep us posted.....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Sportsman. Yes, my anniversary fell within a week of you and Skin and for the same amount of years too. Yes I am angry but still have the hurt feelings too. I cannot believe the cruelty that my stbx has put me through. He knows all I have is a small disability check and that is it. He knows it won't pay the bills either. I never dreamed he would ever treat me this way. All I can do is hand my troubles over to God and trust that he will see me thru this. It's bad enough when going thru a regular divorce but when one spouse is disabled and the other is treating them the way my stbx has done me, it is practically criminal behavior! I hope that one day Karma will pay him back for what he has done to me 10 fold!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

toomanytears said:


> Thanks Sportsman. Yes, my anniversary fell within a week of you and Skin and for the same amount of years too. Yes I am angry but still have the hurt feelings too. I cannot believe the cruelty that my stbx has put me through. He knows all I have is a small disability check and that is it. He knows it won't pay the bills either. I never dreamed he would ever treat me this way. All I can do is hand my troubles over to God and trust that he will see me thru this. It's bad enough when going thru a regular divorce but when one spouse is disabled and the other is treating them the way my stbx has done me, it is practically criminal behavior! I hope that one day Karma will pay him back for what he has done to me 10 fold!



I think about Karma as well and feel the same way you do. I am getting unemployment checks which are ready to run out but applied for the emergency fund. I want to go back to work but I need to make the money that I was used to, to save my home. If I lose my home then I can take a job making less money and figure it out. I agree with you that its hard to believe that our wife/husband can turn on us so quickly and seemingly without cause. I say that because today I really still do not understand. It reminds me of the stories you would hear about pitbulls who for no apparant reason turned on their master and bit the crap out of them. Yeah, thats a good description of my wife a turned pitbull lol... Keep us updated and hold on, I am trying as well..


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Yep...pitbull is definitely a good description! I called stbx again yesterday and made a request for money again...also informed him of important mail here for him. I knew he wouldn't respond but I more or less was doing it to document that I had made several requests for help. I called the lawyer yesterday afternoon and I am seeing her this afternoon. She told me we would go ahead and immediately file for maintenance support as it is crucial that I get some money. He is an idiot because he is working for a cousin getting paid under the table in cash while drawing unemployment at the same time. This will bite him in the butt with the judge because he will get into trouble legally and be made to repay the unemployment, not to mention getting his cousin in trouble as well. Oh well.....hate it, haha! You reap what you sow!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a world of difference between difficulties in a relationship and possibly even making the grave error of infidelity. and what this guy is doing. His behavior, neglect, and treatment of you is criminal. I hope you continue to find strength for yourself. It's amazing, and tragic, in terms of what we can tolerate and survive. I truly hope things work out for you, and there comes a point where you don't give that creep a second thought. As for him, I hope he ends up in a pretty, orange jumpsuit.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I couldn't agree with you more Deejo! I never dreamed in a million years he would be this cruel to me. I'm sure his new girlfriend is giving him advice telling him what to do. I bet she's a real winner...probably been married a ton of times herself. If he keeps up with his current behavior he will end up in an orange jumpsuit and I hope I can help put him in it!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well it seems my husband is not paying a few of his bills as some late notices came in the mail over the past couple of days. One of them really worries me because he put my vehicle up as collateral on a truck he bought recently. I only liked 3 notes paying it off and he went behind my back and had them added to this new note on the truck, thus making it collateral. Now if the note is not paid I risk losing my car! I can't afford to pay this note. He hasn't given me a dime as you all know. I really don't know what on earth I will do if I lose it. Can my life possibly get any worse?


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## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

Ok so I read through every part of peoples comments and so forth and I have to say that I am soo sorry that you are going through all of this. My first peice of advice would be to stop calling him over and over again. I know that you probably need money and so forth, but he hasn't givin you any so the whole calling thing needs to stop. It probably makes him even more mad at you and not want to talk to you. He has no right of course to be like this, but dead beats like that will blame anybody and everybody for their behavior. Stop calling to inform him of his bills also. He knows he has bills there cuz he's prolly been paying them for a while so I don't think you need to document it. I say just throw him out of your life and don't talk to him or drive by his dads place or anything. If he calls, let the machine get it. Why should you have to be made to feel bad because of him anyway. I am telling you that you need to ignore the hell out of him, maybe it will make him wonder for a change what your up to. Either way, your not gaining anything by talking to him anyway. All you gain is the fact that you think he loves you even less because of how he makes you feel. Drop him like a bad habit girl. You sooo deserve it!!!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

As far as calling him I've only contacted him regarding a letter from Social Security about his dad once and one other time because he had received a letter from unemployment. On those two times I did tell him I needed money. I figured he wouldn't call but he did return the call about the Social Security letter. For the most part of it, I have maintained NC. Upon the advice of my lawyer she told me to inform him I needed money and it was primarily to document the request. The only time I rode by his house was because it was on the way to where my friend needed to go and had asked me to ride with her.

Trust me, I've had very little contact with him since he left and it's fine with me. I have no desire to interact with him whatsoever. I'm ready to get this divorce over with because I have to concentrate on my health right now. He makes me sick!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

TMT bless your heart sweetie, I just want you to know how much I admire you. I do hope your meds are working well and I too amd keeping you in my prayers. May God bless you and keep you. Keep posting.

Much Love,
Reah


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Rhea, I appreciate your prayers. I didn't feel too well this weekend so I had to take it easy. The walls of this house were closing in on me though and I was in the dumps. Couldn't help sitting here and thinking about stuff. My yard hasn't been mowed in a month and it is really starting to look bad. I wish I were able to do it myself but know better than to try. Don't have the money right now to hire someone to do it either. It really makes me angry with my stbx because he knows I can't. This is such a worthless man. Right now TOW is seeing his best behavior and falling for his lines hook, line and sinker! She will soon find out what she's gotten herself involved with and honestly....SHE DESERVES IT! I can only sit and hope that God takes care of me and that my worthless STBX reaps what he has sown!!!!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

As ususal, I've had no contact from stbx. Lots of late notices coming in the mail and now starting to receive phone calls. I tell them the truth and that I am sorry he isn't paying the bills. I gave them the number where he could be reached so I am assuming stbx is really chapped with me over that. Hate it! I talked with the bank where his vehicle is financed and there is nothing I can do about my vehicle being put up as collateral. They told me he was behind but know that I can't make his payments. Guess I will lose my only transportation soon. I keep wondering when Karma will kick in and bring him to his knees?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

TMT,
I am sorry to hear that your situation seems to be going nowhere.. Keep the faith that things will turn around for you.. You are in my thoughts and prayers... I sent you a PM.. check it and get back to me... How have you been feeling physically ? are you doing better ? keep me posted TMT... I want to know how your doing... God Bless You...

Skin.....


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

TMT, stopping by to check on you. Please post soon. God Bless. 

Rhea


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Skin and Rhea, I appreciate you guys! Well, our joint account had 51.53 in it and this morning it seems that my stbx used his debit card and it is now 3.53 in the red!!!! Isn't that lovely? Although I didn't want to, I called his cell and as usual he didn't answer, so I left a voice mail telling him he had over drafted the account. Told him I didn't have the money to make it right and because of his irresponsibility, I had not one dime to my name!!! I know he won't call, he never has, so here I sit with more worry piled on me! My disability check doesn't arrive until 7.3.09 so it will be a few days before I have money. Don't ask yourself folks how much worse things can get for you while going thru your marriages falling apart, because TRUST ME, it can get WORSE!!!!

As far as my health goes Skinman, I seem to be handling the medications well and for the most part doing okay. I've had a few days since the diagnosis where I didn't feel well but all in all, doing good. This past weekend was not a good one though....I was drained of energy and spent most of the weekend sleeping. By Monday I felt better.

I am going to call the bank this morning when it opens and talk with them about the overdraft. I'm pretty sure though there isn't much I can do about it as far as it affecting me too. This just sucks!!!!!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

TMT, when that check comes, start your own acct. Is that possible? Don't let him take anything else from you! You don't deserve that at all.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Don't worry Rhea, that is the plan!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Tried to get my phone switched over into just my name today and they won't do it without stbx signing a transfer of service agreement first. Now it is going to cost me money out the wazoo because he won't sign it. The lady called him for me because he won't answer my calls and he said no. I don't even know this man anymore that I married? I know he deserves to burn in hell for treating a disabled woman with little income and no help this way!!! I can't even change any of the services to get the bill down some...like cutting call waiting, etc..


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

It makes me so sad to see someone treating you so badly. It's almost unbelievable, but I guess there are alot of deadbeats in the world.

I wish I could help you more, but Im not really sure what to say.

Is this a landline or cell? Is it in his name only, or joint?

hang in there! Try not to let hid stupidity get to you, or else he wins. I know its hard, but you can do it. Youve made it this far.

Take care.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

What a pain in the a$$, the stbx and the phone company.

Unfortunately it does suck much. I work for a major cellular company and yep gotta have permission from the main account holder to do a transfer of liability or else you're sh*t out of luck, no changes, can't take your phone number, nothing. 

I'm sorry to hear this. Can you start your own line? See the stbx thinks he's screwing you, BUT he's really screwing himself, he's getting stuck w/another line he's got to pay for unless the contract is up, he can't cancel if the contract isn't up unless he wants to pay an early term fee. 

Let him have it. Unless of course you're like me and you want to keep your number.

I'm really amazed at how much of an a$$ he's being I'm sorry  HUGS!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks Dark Angel for your words of encouragement....unfortunately he is worse than a deadbeat! You are right though, I've made it this far but now have run out of money so things are about to get really bad, but I will just have to deal. I will soon lose my vehicle that only liked 3 payments on and he put it up for collateral behind my back for a purchase on a truck he bought......which now he isn't making the notes on the truck. He's a SOB because this is my only transportation to my doctor appointments. 

As far as the phone situation......this is our house phone. Our DSL is provided thru the phone company and the bill is for both. We had extras on the phone, like caller id, call waiting, etc. plus a plan that covered areas that are close by our town but without this plan, were long distance. It was helpful in the past before cell phones because most of my doctors were in these outlying, but like an hour or two away from my town. We should have already dropped it down to basic service when cell phones became popular but just didn't think about it. Now since I have very little money, I wanted to drop all the excess that I could to lower the bill. I unfortunately have service with a small independent phone company and they have their special little rules. Yes I could just apply for a new number but they require me to come in and pay a downpayment, pay for this, pay for that and it would be expensive and I don't have money to spare.....at the moment I have none! This is why the cheapest would be if he would just sign the transfer of service, change of name agreement and it wouldn't cost at all! I am really starting to literally HATE, HATE, HATE my stbx!!!!!! I wouldn't treat a dog as sorry as he is treating me!!!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Oh and thanks Rhea...you too girl....I forgot to say that in the last post!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

That is horrible!!!!!!!!!!

Now is the phone serivce in his name only? You might be able to just find a new provider and forward the old bills to him. Check with a few different providers to see what they can do for you. They might be able to flop the initial charges onto your first months bill.

Seriously, if there is anything there in his name just drop it. Its his problem, dont make it yours. I think I read you were going to open your own bank acct as well. Is it done yet? I would be frightened to think of just what he is capable of doing. Protect yourself!

Stay strong.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes, phone is in his name only. Unfortunately this independent phone company has a monopoly on this area owning all kinds of rights. They have been in service forever and grew quickly thus able to obtain/maintain these rights while ever expanding their areas. Once, Bell South put in a pay phone at the local Hardee's but they had to pay this independent company for the usage rights of their lines, etc.. The pay phone was uninstalled about 3 months later because of the charges, etc....too much of a pain in the butt for what it was worth to Bell South.

My only other options would be to go with getting my internet thru a satellite service like Wild Blue which is a bit expensive. I am checking on a bundle package with AT&T which is the only other option. I technically don't need the house phone since I have a cell phone but this company won't allow you to have just DSL without having a home phone. They are a pain in the behind...greedy, greedy! If I can swing getting DSL thru AT&T I will be good. 

I have a seperate bank account that my SS Disability goes into by direct deposit. My disability income though is a drop in the bucket to what I made when I worked full time. It will be terribly difficult to struggle and pay the bills even with cutting everything I can possibly do without. I may have to even loose DSL which will kill me because the computer/internet is sometimes my only connection with the outside world due to the disability. I also use it to research like everyone else, especially things that have to do with my disbility. The health insurance is only good till October. I was on his so I could get my medicine with just a copay as opposed to full price. Several of my drugs are $300/month if paying full price. I am on medicare but when I lose this insurance because he won't go back to work with the pipeline, I will have to go and purchase a medicare supplement to cover what medicare doesn't pay for. Because I am under 65, I am screwed by insurance companies and forced to pay more than the above 65 folks. Before I got on his insurance to get the drug coverage, my supplement ran around 200 bucks a month. I'd also have to get Medicare Part D drug coverage which is a joke....it helps for about the first couple of months, then you go into the so-called "doughnut hole" where you are forced to pay full price. Of course I will never be able to pay full price so I will then have to go without medicine! The kicker of everything is that you have to be pure white trash poor to qualify for medicaid which would pay for everything, but because I own land and have a car that is not 12 years old, I won't qualify for medicaid! I won't even qualify for "food stamps" either! I will be like many others....one of those that falls the cracks of the system which makes me furious with our government. We give away millions in aid to other countries while there are citizens of our country that need help and when you are sick and alone, dealing with your illness whatever it is, you can't fight for change to our government's policies! This is a crying shame but our politicians don't care because they are getting kickbacks from drug companies, insurance companies, etc..

So, this is my demise people and married to an SOB that could care less if I drop dead, much less have a morsel of food to eat! He knows what will happen to me when I can't get my meds anymore but it is so much more important to shove me out of his mind and build a new life with the sorry tramp he has taken up with. He is immature and irresponsible and figures that his happiness matters more and doesn't understand how screwed up the system is....he is....bottom line....SELFISH and could care less. As long as I was healthy everything was fine but now, why should he have to put up with my disability....what a burden to him and he didn't sign up for this!!!! 

It's very hard not to give up when you are all alone, sick and facing these kind of odds.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Just an update:

Nothing has changed....he is still living with the tramp, I've been left behind and not given a second thought.....he hasn't initiated any contact, neither have I.....he's given me no money and I suppose he thinks I have a "money tree" growing in the back yard! I'm expecting the repo man any day now to take my vehicle....notices still arrive daily for debts he hasn't paid of which the one that effects me the most is the one he put my car up for collateral on. I'm unable to sleep at night anymore since I am now worrying about how to pay the basics (power, water, etc) since I have no money left and he sure as hell isn't bothered about giving me any. Life just sucks for me right now with no end in sight.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well today was my stbx's birthday. I called his cell phone to just say Happy Birthday and he has obviously changed the number. I guess he did that after our last conversation about a month ago. I gave it long thought before calling anyway so I guess I got his message loud and clear! It's also clear to me that this man deserves all the hate I feel for him now!


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Update:

Still no contact...he is still living with OW. Still hasn't called or given me any money, much less even begin to care about my well being. He still has some things here and I guess he really doesn't care if he gets them or not. It totally baffles me as to why he hasn't filed for divorce??? He surely doesn't want to be with me anymore and is done with this marriage. The idiot doesn't even consider that I don't have money for bills much less money to file for divorce and hiring a lawyer.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Well it would seem that my husband finally decided to call me. He was being sort of nice but I knew he was only doing it because he wanted something. Turned out that he wanted to get some of his things after being gone for Apr 2, 2009. He went ahead and borrowed a trailer and called me assuming that it would be ok to come....also told me that he was let go by his cousin with whom he has been working, getting paid in cash under the table while drawing his unemployment benefits illegally. 

He has now all of a sudden become concerned that the Harley be sold as opposed to ruining "our" credit. I told him that 3 months ago he had good credit, the bills were paid and even had money left over in the bank thanks to my management skills and they he had destroyed his credit along with our marriage by his actions and sorry buddy but I can't be sorry for you. I told him that I'd be free on tuesday but that I wasn't giving him a go ahead on taking anything from there. He had promised to come here weeks and weeks ago after his infidelity was out of the closet and I told him he owed me the truth at least. He never showed, wouldn't answer phone when I called, changed his number, etc., in addition of abandoning me knowing I was disabled. After bringing it up he agreed to meet Tuesday but I don't trust him....I think he will just come and get what he wants even though I asked him to bring back all the things he snuck out as it was marital property and we needed to split things fairly. 

He told me he was trying to get a job 2 hrs away and it all makes sense now. He and new lady want to move there because he has destroyed his reputation here and before he goes, he wants to make sure that he has all his stuff. He doesn't sound sorry for one bit in breaking up our marriage and breaking my heart. Just wants to hurt me again and take advantage of me is what it seems.


What would u do folks? I don't want him to be able to get anything more from this home since he took the other items behind my back, sneaking them out prior to walking out of this marriage that day. 

He has refinanced his truck and he now holds the title to my vehicle which I am convinced he will use to hold over my head to get what he wants. My lawyer is out of town working on a case so I'd like to get an opinion from all of you. 

He is not to be trusted, hasn't bothered to call and check on me or how I was making it due to the fact I am disabled and for sure hasn't given me a dime since he left. He's only being nice because he wants something. What would you do?


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

As predicted, stbx came to house first time since he left and wanted to get some more of his stuff. He didn't want to sit and talk but I told him that he at least owed that to me I thought after all he has done to hurt me by having the affair, plus the fact he knows the conditions I would be left in by a divorce due to my disability. 

He was cold and arrogant but I did get to tell him exactly what I thought of him. He actually thought I should feel sorry for his being without a job now and I pretty much told him that since he wasn't concerned about my general welfare (financial, cancer treatment, etc.) that I thought he was reaping what he had sowed. I told him that was KARMA knocking on his door and he best get ready to lay in the bed he made for himself. He was a complete jerk and I made my feelings and position known the entire time he was trying to gather the items he wanted. I guess the truth was "hurting his little feelings" and he left without getting what he wanted which I thought was hilarious. 

This man is before God the worst excuse of a human being I've ever known! I know now that he has no idea what LOVE really is and to think I have wasted almost 17 years of my life with someone that would be so selfish, uncaring and downright criminal in his behavior towards me. He knows full well what will become of me without his help due to my disability and he just can't be bothered. I can't believe I thought this man actually loved me and wonder how I could have judged this so wrong. I have come to believe that he just wishes I would drop dead so he won't be bothered with even having to go thru divorce proceedings. 

I can't file right now because I would get nothing from him financially due to his not working and I am struggling to make even the basic bills. I've cut everything I can do without. I told him that day that I was flat broke after paying the basics and it would be 3 weeks before I could even afford groceries (when I got my disability check) and his answer to that was, "well, I can't either!" 

I pray every night of my life for God to see me thru all this. I've never before faced such struggles and I'm trying to keep my faith....that's all I can do. It's hard to fight cancer and him too.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Just an update, situation is the same. No contact with stbx and he still hasn't offered me a dime. Finances are getting to critical stage now for me. What little I had saved is almost gone.


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