# Can married men and women be friends with opposite sex? I am talking platonic friendship.



## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Three-quarters of single men and roughly two-thirds of single women have an opposite-sex friend. In contrast, just 54% of married men and 43% of married women report having a close friend of a different gender.

What would be your take on it? Can you have friendship with an opposite sex once you are married?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I think basically no. It's really difficult, and most of those who say they have no problem with it are indulging in self deception.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

I don’t think you can be friends in the sense that you are hanging out one on one, talking constantly by any means, phone, text, email, messenger etc. building an intimate relationship. It’s a slippery slope.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Nope. It’s just asking for trouble when your relationship is off and you start confiding it the opposite sex friend.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*“No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive.* *He always wants to have sex with her." - Harry (“When Harry met Sally”)*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My best friend is a woman and I’ve known her for around twenty years. We lived together for a few years. 
She’s beautiful, really beautiful but we’ve never been anything except friends. My wife knows that I’ve traveled all over the world with her and knows that we shared a bed on numerous occasions and she doesn’t have a problem with it, in fact my wife asked her to be her bridesmaid at our wedding.
Now the fact that she’s gay doesn’t come into it at all😂


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

My answer is no. My wife and I started out as close friends...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)




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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> Three-quarters of single men and roughly two-thirds of single women have an opposite-sex friend. In contrast, just 54% of married men and 43% of married women report having a close friend of a different gender.
> 
> What would be your take on it? Can you have friendship with an opposite sex once you are married?


When someone says about a person of the opposite sex that they "are just a friend", there is no such thing. First, it is a betrayal of their spouse because probably in all cases one of them is talking about their spouse, their marriage, their relationship literally to an outsider. What goes on inside the marriage of two people is private, confidential. One never says "my wife/husband just doesn't understand me" or "My wife/husband and I are having big, serious problems." Anything like that is an opening to an intimate discussion with a person of the opposite sex and that can take you down one slippery slope that leads to infidelity. Boundaries need to be set by couples as to what is appropriate, what is not, what will lead to problems.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I voted yes and no. If the question was “should” I would have answered no but the question was “can”. Sure they “can” because it’s hypothetical.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

No…because one or both will usually want more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Here is a little experiment that every guy who's wife has some guy she says is just a friend should try -

Txt that guy from her phone in the middle of the night and say, "I have been thinking about you all day and am dying to jump your bones right now!! Get a room at that motel down the street from me and txt me the room number when you are checked in." 


Shall we guess which percentage are going to get a txt back with a room number within a half hour???


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Platonic? Sure. As long as they are mutual friends and not cozy. Friends that touch? No. I don't let people touch me unless I'm in a relationship and expect the same of my wife.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I work with mostly women and have no problem being friendly with them at work or even replying if they text me about a work related thing. But I don’t maintain any sort of one on one friendship outside of work with any of them. It wouldn’t be appropriate. I also wouldn’t want my wife having male friends (and she doesn’t).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm going to say yes with the caveat that a friend is a friend of your relationship and partner as well.

Unfortunately, there are a tremendous amount of immature people that can't seem to control themselves.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SCDad01 said:


> No…because one or both will usually want more.


It is more of a numbers game. If you are in a committed relationship, and have multiple opposition sex friends, odds are real that one or both will eventually want more. Most romantic relationships start our as just friends.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Thinking about it yes you can. But my only real experience with close female friends is females who are also friends with my wife. I have gone out to eat or drinks with some one on one a few times, that would be a situation where we are both volunteering on the same board and have a board meeting that makes us miss dinner so we go out after. I can't remember ever going out to dinner with a female one on one just to go out. Wouldn't be opposed to it and I don't think my wife would care really but I can't imagine a scenario where that would happen.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rayr44 said:


> Can you have friendship with an opposite sex once you are married?


Suppose it is possible. In fact, I will bet a lot of people under say 30 see no problem with opposite sex friends and pal around with a big mixed group all of the time. I had several coworkers with female friends ( none of them coworkers ), who swore it was platonic. One guy would bring his "friend" to company functions if his wife wasn't available or didn't want to attend. Always struck me, being a dinosaur, that this was odd.

Probably get laughed at, but I would *NEVER* be alone with a female *ESPECIALLY* from work or at work *EVER*. Under any circumstances, least of all at dinner with them. I followed the "Pence Rule" before had ever even heard his name. Knew too many men who got badly stung by doing otherwise.

Wife and I always had a mutual policy of no OSF ever. We were and are a couple, the people we are friends with are also couples. The 'exception' were two close female friends of my wife when they were between husbands/boyfriends. We would continue to interact with her friends as if they were still married/dating.

When we married, our single friends became people that we once knew. Acquaintances.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Yes if they are friends of the couple and never spend time alone. No texting or calling.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That was always my exH’s story — “we’re just friends” — when he was caught. I have no idea how many there actually were but I’d be willing to bet it was more than a few and they weren’t just friends. On the other hand, I never had male friends when I was married because I always felt that could possibly lead to problems I didn’t want. So nope.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

No. Men and women do not spend time with or invest effort in those they have no attraction to.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> Probably get laughed at, but I would *NEVER* be alone with a female *ESPECIALLY* from work or at work *EVER*. Under any circumstances, least of all at dinner with them. I followed the "Pence Rule" before had ever even heard his name. Knew too many men who got badly stung by doing otherwise.


I definitely agree for the most part. Extending that further, massage and medical are the only exceptions and I would welcome my wife being there in either case.

But there are other situations that are more problematic.

I have been with co workers when at training centers at a number of locations around the country for my employers and I did recently ask my wife what she had felt about that. There is no way I'd be anything but platonic and hope she knew that. I would hope she did as I put our premarital relationship on a platonic basis and she sensed that I was afraid to touch her.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

marko polo said:


> No. Men and women do not spend time with or invest effort in those they have no attraction to.


Can't agree.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think men keep female friends around hoping to have some sort of sexual experience, even if virtual. I think females keep men around to monkey branch when things go south and for general attention when things are good. Either way, it’s an absolute hard no for me. Been burned too many times.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Compare possible to probable.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Such definitive negative statements... Yes, men and women can be friends. It may not work for some, yet it does work for many.

Through shared activities, I had an OSF for years before our marriage. W (Fiance at the time) had issues with that and insisted on veto power. (I get it, I'm not that much of a fool) OSF approved of W and W's veto power. The two became close as sisters. 50 years and 1100 miles away now, she and W still run up the phone weekly. A true friend of ours and the marriage.

Sorry to differ from the majority, but *mature *people have natural boundaries, impulse control... and are not paranoid from reading CWI.

Best


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think if the OSF is married, it's more possible - because you're likely always hanging out as couples.

But when a married person has a single OSF, it's a BAD idea. I've been burned by it, and I'll never allow it again.

Congruently, there is no way I would take on a single OSF either - it would feel totally inappropriate.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Absolutely not


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marko polo said:


> Such definitive negative statements... Yes, men and women can be friends. It may not work for some, yet it does work for many.
> 
> Through shared activities, I had an OSF for years before our marriage. W (Fiance at the time) had issues with that and insisted on veto power. (I get it, I'm not that much of a fool) OSF approved of W and W's veto power. The two became close as sisters. 50 years and 1100 miles away now, she and W still run up the phone weekly. A true friend of ours and the marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I find the attraction argument confusing because you run across lots of people you are attracted to during the course of your marriage and for some reason don't get naked with them.

Maybe a lot of people do have impulse control problems and poor boundaries?

I'm for everyone keeping healthy boundaries and I'm not advocating for alone time with OSF but you don't have to have sex with everyone you like and/or find attractive.😋


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Define "friend".



snowbum said:


> Yes if they are friends of the couple and never spend time alone. No texting or calling.


Can you really call that a friend? Someone you are friendly with but don't ever talk to or see unless you're hanging out with their spouse, and can't really talk to them or let them in?

I have quite a few females that I have known for years to decades and hang out with, but it's always with their husband's (who I knew first) and I never text or call them unless my wife tells me to (to confirm info that husband's are too dumb to know). I don't consider them friends really, not anymore.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

bobert said:


> Define "friend".
> 
> 
> Can you really call that a friend? Someone you are friendly with but don't ever talk to or see unless you're hanging out with their spouse, and can't really talk to them or let them in?
> ...


Jogs my memory. I have a friend who began as co worker, then friend, then bridesmaid for my wife and I. Yes, I can and would hang out with her alone. 

When she was a coworker she was a terribly physical flirt, grabbing my knee, etc. I knew she was a ditz and being silly and never responded other than with a roll of the eyes. She was so persistent that I asked her what was going on. Her response was, "We just have a brother and sister relationship. Because, you know, incest is best." She just never let up, she always demanded hugs. 🙄

But we both know and understand each other and I would be completely comfortable going out to dinner with her without her hubby or my wife. My wife would also be good with it.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Of course they can, and do.

If what you really mean is, does TAM approve of it, you might as well ask if televangelists approve of atheism.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

My wife and I are unique, we pretty much knew all the same people growing up through grade school and high school but didn't know each other until we started dating, even though we knew who the other was. Her and I had been dating for about month and half, and attended her friend's wedding. We stayed in a hotel afterwards, most of the guests did. The following day, she drove me and our mutual friend back to the church where i had parked and met her, she was in the wedding. I went to grade school and high school with this guy, and she hung out with him for 4 years in the same social group. She dropped me off at my car and gave him a ride back to his house. After I got out, he told her how much "fun" they could have together in the current moment and why not go for it. She told me about it after she dropped him off, made me wonder about how much "bros before hoes" is a bunch of garbage


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Here is a little experiment that every guy who's wife has some guy she says is just a friend should try -
> 
> Txt that guy from her phone in the middle of the night and say, "I have been thinking about you all day and am dying to jump your bones right now!! Get a room at that motel down the street from me and txt me the room number when you are checked in."
> 
> ...


As funny as this is, it is also spot on. Just a wild guess, but I bet 80%-90%. Higher if the man isn't in a relationship at the time. There are some that just wouldn't do it, so it isn't 100%, but not many men would turn that down. 

We have opposite sex friends, but in every single case it is all couples and we are friends with the couples. We are very close to one of the couples, pretty much our best friends. We vacation together (with all our kids), we get drunk together, etc. When we are all together my wife could talk to him for hours and likewise I could talk to his wife for hours. We would never, ever do that solo. One on one and lots of time together talking about life and personal topics creates an intimacy that is far too likely to create romantic attraction. Same reason a lot of affairs start at work. All that time spent together is bound to foster a connection. When the discussions stray from work topics to personal topics that connection starts heading in an intimate and romantic direction. Those friendships are not marriage friendly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Captain Obvious said:


> My wife and I are unique, we pretty much knew all the same people growing up through grade school and high school but didn't know each other until we started dating, even though we knew who the other was. Her and I had been dating for about month and half, and attended her friend's wedding. We stayed in a hotel afterwards, most of the guests did. The following day, she drove me and our mutual friend back to the church where i had parked and met her, she was in the wedding. I went to grade school and high school with this guy, and she hung out with him for 4 years in the same social group. She dropped me off at my car and gave him a ride back to his house. After I got out, he told her how much "fun" they could have together in the current moment and why not go for it. She told me about it after she dropped him off, made me wonder about how much "bro's before ho's" is a bunch of garbage


Way back when I moved out of my parents house and got my first real job, I was roommates with a coworker and we had gotten to be pretty good buddies (still are buddies 30+ years later today) He had recently separated from his first wife but she would still come around for an occasional booty call. They had a one year old together at that time. 

I also had hot and horny GF at the time that was quite,,,, shall we say... 'vocal.' so there was rarely any question what we were doing when behind closed doors in my room. 

One day he matter of factly asked me that if his STBX came around for some booty call and I was there and he wasn't and if she came on to me would I oblige her? 

Of course I swore absolutely not! She was slender and pleasant looking but not only was she not as hot as my then GF and the fact she had a one year old in tow was a complete turn off to me but the fact he and I were buds and roommates was a complete no-go for me and I was pretty shocked that he even asked me that question. 

After I said that, he had a squirley smirk on his face that basically told me he thought that I was full of shyt and I had better hope my GF didn't come around in heat. 

So I asked him if he'd bang my GF if she offered. He just very matter of factly said yes. That she was hot and sexy and if she came sniffing around and layed it out there that he would oblige her. 

Part of me was kind of miffed and disgusted at him. But another part of me appreciated his honesty and reality check. 

I was 20 or so years old at that time and in the following 30+ years, I haven't seen anything that tells me anyone else is really all that different. 

People always talk about trust like it is some kind of magical force field. 

I have trust, but I also trust men to be men and women to be women. People's virtue is often defines by their opportunities and options and I am firm believer that the vast majority of what goes on in the sexual realm takes place behind closed doors and closed lips. 

Had your friend been taller, buffer, better looking, more successful, higher social status and more charismatic than you, she would have gone for it. 

Likewise if some hotter, sexier and hornier chick waved the big green flag to you at that wedding, you would have likely gone for her instead. 

People may be good at putting on a public face. But when confronted with a very enticing offer by someone that makes their go pitter pat,, there can be a lot of boundaries that can get pushed or even shattered. 

People obviously CAN be friends and toe the line when others are watching. 

But there is always a dragon lurking unseen beneath the surface just waiting for a perfect storm of opportunity to present itself.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Way back when I moved out of my parents house and got my first real job, I was roommates with a coworker and we had gotten to be pretty good buddies (still are buddies 30+ years later today) He had recently separated from his first wife but she would still come around for an occasional booty call. They had a one year old together at that time.
> 
> I also had hot and horny GF at the time that was quite,,,, shall we say... 'vocal.' so there was rarely any question what we were doing when behind closed doors in my room.
> 
> ...


I'm going to respectively disagree with you on the point where people will always blindly act on any opportunity that presents its self. I do still believe that character is a major factor for some people. But I will agree that the dragon is always lurking, waiting for the perfect opportunity. Cici1990's thread was the perfect example of both man and woman using past friendship and attraction, and taking it to the next horrifying level.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As funny as this is, it is also spot on. Just a wild guess, but I bet 80%-90%. Higher if the man isn't in a relationship at the time. There are some that just wouldn't do it, so it isn't 100%, but not many men would turn that down.


I am one who would turn that down. I've slept with one woman without having sex, another without in any way touching her. The second one complained to my sister in law the next day. I intended to do the same with another woman, but she had different ideas and eventually became my wife. Not the man's move in this case.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I’ve learned that while I appreciate the friendship of a man far more than females, it’s a no. A good example of this is just human nature. There’s a man I know that for whatever reason, there is some attraction there. I can feel it and I stay away. He too stays away from me intentionally.

Its just something that happens sometimes even when you don’t want it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ so it’s best to draw that line and make it a solid no.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rayr44 said:


> Can you have friendship with an opposite sex once you are married?


Of course you can.

Both my wife and I have some platonic, other sex friends, who we sometimes keep in touch and catch up with.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

I have the T-shirt for the NO answer. My W/STBXW had what she called "friendships" with multiple married men that I found many very suspicious anomalies with. In every case, she was the initiator and instigator of these relationships, which she skillfully evolved into situations where 99% of people would be sure she was a serial cheater reading the details of those situations. There is a miniscule 1% chance that she isn't, but those odds are not enough for me to ever trust her again. My advice: If you don't want to get burned, don't play with fire. Humans all have the capability for good and bad. And we have instinctual drives. And we all have lapses in judgement. Why chance it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes, but it takes a very special type of person. In general it's not a good idea.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Captain Obvious said:


> I'm going to respectively disagree with you on the point where people will always blindly act on any opportunity that presents its self. I do still believe that character is a major factor for some people.


I'm not saying that people will always act blindly on any opportunity that presents itself. Most will act appropriately most of the time. Especially if others are watching. 

Of course not every person will jump on every opportunity. Many will never have that opportunity that makes them fall. 
That perfect storm may never occur. 

But we live on average of 80 years. A lot can happen in 80 years. 

The issue with opposite sex 'friends' (or same sex friends if same sex is one's preference) is how much faith one can have that the perfect storm will not occur at some point in time. 

People can have virtue and integrity. Some will even have a lot. But all people are people. Everyone has their limit and their own challenges, hurdles and shortcomings. 

That perfect storm can be a whirling and swirling cocktail of hormonal levels, physical attributes, emotional connection, alcohol/drugs, underlying insecurities and relationship issues and the mood and energies of the moment as well as the circumstances and chances of getting away with it. 

From there it can become an issue of mathmatics and statistical opportunities. The more opposite friends one has, the better looking and more fit and engaging they are, and the more time and fun and alone time one spends with said 'friends' the chances of all the stars lining up to where someone is ovulating, people have had a leeeetle tooo much to drink, someone is looking particular good and is little more engaging and flirty and someone may be feeling a little frustrated or neglected or bored at home and someone gives a wink and a nod and the realization that the chances of getting discovered are minimal to nonexistent. 

People can have integrity but how many times will one that is in the above situation have their integrity prevail?


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not saying that people will always act blindly on any opportunity that presents itself. Most will act appropriately most of the time. Especially if others are watching.
> 
> Of course not every person will jump on every opportunity. Many will never have that opportunity that makes them fall.
> That perfect storm may never occur.
> ...


I agree with you which is why I firmly believe that when one is in some kind of committed/exclusive relationship, meaning bf/gf, engaged, married, you don't act like you are single. I strongly believe that when one is in any kind of committed/exclusive relationship, you only have a finite amount of love, attention, affection, emotion, and energy to give. When you start syphoning it off to others, the world of hurt begins.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not saying that people will always act blindly on any opportunity that presents itself. Most will act appropriately most of the time. Especially if others are watching.
> 
> Of course not every person will jump on every opportunity. Many will never have that opportunity that makes them fall.
> That perfect storm may never occur.
> ...


Exactly. The example of parental behavior (even if it was known and fully acknowledged to be wrong) is what we default to in a situation where we aren't sure how to behave. In my W's case, both parents were cheaters. I remember us discussing that when we were dating, and her saying that she hated infidelity because it broke her parents up. But then, FoO (Family of Origin) nurture may have been a stronger influence on her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The problem with opposite sex friends (“OSF”) when you are married is that it is hard I tell the difference between a real platonic OSF friend and an orbiter waiting for the right opening.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Yes and no, all depending on various factors. 

I'm an almost married guy and I have several platonic female friends that I have met over the years, usually because we were stuck in some situation and forced to spend time together. I have a group of friends from college that are mostly female and we all still talk frequently and get together infrequently. There might have been some flirting here and there but nothing happened between any of us. Platonic friends can definitely happen.

With that said, for the most part, I'd advise people not to trust it. I've also been the "platonic" opposite sex friend when things were anything but. A lot of people will keep their orbiters and former flames around when they get into a new relationship and just pretend it was always platonic so the new partner won't have a problem with them. People already involved will make "platonic" friends at work or wherever so they can form a bond and consider leaving the relationship without all the risk of walking away. In my experience, it's usually not platonic.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

I believe it is possible with boundaries, self control and respect for both parties. You can learn a lot more from the opposite sex than your own. After all men are from mars and women are from Venus!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rayr44 said:


> I believe it is possible with boundaries, self control and respect for both parties. You can learn a lot more from the opposite sex than your own. After all men are from mars and women are from Venus!


With trust and openness and no lies yes 
It is like the question we have about sexting , if you are doing anything that the other person was to walk in and be unhappy about then no ,


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> Such definitive negative statements... Yes, men and women can be friends. It may not work for some, yet it does work for many.
> 
> Through shared activities, I had an OSF for years before our marriage. W (Fiance at the time) had issues with that and insisted on veto power. (I get it, I'm not that much of a fool) OSF approved of W and W's veto power. The two became close as sisters. 50 years and 1100 miles away now, she and W still run up the phone weekly. A true friend of ours and the marriage.


I love that. Your W handled it very skilfully.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Yes, if there is zero attraction on at least one side of the friendship OR if the opposite sex friends never spend alone time together. Otherwise it's just an accident, or "perfect storm" as oldshirt said, waiting to happen.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> With trust and openness and no lies yes
> It is like the question we have about sexting , if you are doing anything that the other person was to walk in and be unhappy about then no ,


Why do we have to see our opposite sex as sexual objects? Why don’t we take the opportunity to learn from the opposite sex?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> Yes, if there is zero attraction on at least one side of the friendship OR if the opposite sex friends never spend alone time together. Otherwise it's just an accident, or "perfect storm" as oldshirt said, waiting to happen.


What does attraction has to do with friendship? I would never put myself in a position of being alone with an opposite sex. That’s why we have boundaries and self control. If I did not have self control, I would be fully aware of it and would never even have eye contact with a woman or move to Saudi Arabia!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rayr44 said:


> Why do we have to see our opposite sex as sexual objects? Why don’t we take the opportunity to learn from the opposite sex?


as I said With trust and openness and no lies yes 
if you are doing anything that the other person was to walk in and be unhappy about then no ,


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Of course you can... unless your d!ck i more important than your brain.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rayr44 said:


> I would never put myself in a position of being alone with an opposite sex.


Why, what are you afraid of?

As for myself, throughout my marriage I have done things like, spent the night alone (including sleeping over) catching up with one of my friends at her place. Likewise for many years, I sometimes catch up with another woman friend I have known for 30 years, at a pub. For some drinks and dinner and drop her off at hers afterwards. It's not like anything happens, except for the sharing of some good company and catching up. On and on etc.

Not forgetting the times I spend alone with some women, to sketch them or photograph them for nude portraits. And thus far unsurprisingly I might add, all that has ever happened is I've rendered some wonderful pictures.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Absolutely. My wife and I got married in our 30s. we both have friends of the opposite sex. My gosh, to say we can no longer be friends with them after many years would be mean. just cuz we got married. It’s called being adults.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> What does attraction has to do with friendship? I would never put myself in a position of being alone with an opposite sex. That’s why we have boundaries and self control. If I did not have self control, I would be fully aware of it and would never even have eye contact with a woman or move to Saudi Arabia!


We both have friends of the opposite sex. Haven’t ****ed one since wedding.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Why, what are you afraid of?
> 
> As for myself, throughout my marriage I have done things like, spent the night alone (including sleeping over) catching up with one of my friends at her place. Likewise for many years, I sometimes catch up with another woman friend I have known for 30 years, at a pub. For some drinks and dinner and drop her off at hers afterwards. It's not like anything happens, except for the sharing of some good company and catching up. On and on etc.
> 
> Not forgetting the times I spend alone with some women, to sketch them or photograph them for nude portraits. And thus far unsurprisingly I might add, all that has ever happened is I've rendered some wonderful pictures.


I am not afraid of anything. These are the boundaries I have set.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rayr44 said:


> I am not afraid of anything. These are the boundaries I have set.


Cool. So why have that boundary, if you're not afraid of anything?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Cool. So why have that boundary, if you're not afraid of anything?


So that I don’t give the wrong impression to others and I believe it’s the right thing to do.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Rayr44 said:


> Why do we have to see our opposite sex as sexual objects? Why don’t we take the opportunity to learn from the opposite sex?


Interesting.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rayr44 said:


> Why do we have to see our opposite sex as sexual objects? Why don’t we take the opportunity to learn from the opposite sex?


I almost spit out my coffee laughing.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

SpinyNorman said:


> Why do you use your brain when you have a perfectly good penis?
> 
> I am kidding, but that is what I think most of the posters here are saying.


How do you know that I have a perfectly good penis? Lol
Thank you for the compliment though!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TRy said:


> The problem with opposite sex friends (“OSF”) when you are married is that it is hard I tell the difference between a real platonic OSF friend and an orbiter waiting for the right opening.


Frustration is likely a problem for the orbiter, but other than that I don't see any problems.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Absolutely. My wife and I got married in our 30s. we both have friends of the opposite sex. My gosh, to say we can no longer be friends with them after many years would be mean. just cuz we got married. It’s called being adults.


I think what may be missing in this discussion is that there is a wide spectrum to what a friend is or what it means to be friends with someone. I have women I consider friends, some my wife only knows as an acquaintance. I also have some women that I've known since Jr high or earlier that I call friends and my wife doesn't know them at all. I wouldn't dump them as friends just because they are women and I'm incapable of having a female friend without wanting to jump their bones. 

However, they will never be what I call a close friend. They will never be the buddy I text a few times a day to talk about this or that. They will not be the friend I meet up with every Saturday morning to go kayaking with, without my wife. They won't be the friend I meet every Tuesday and Thursday for lunch one on one. They won't be the friend I call to get an opinion on a contentious topic between me and my wife. 

I think there is a point where you spend enough time with an OSF and engage in frequent personal, maybe somewhat intimate, conversations that it just becomes too much and creates either the wrong impression or really starts moving you in a direction you should not be headed with someone other than your spouse. 

As for catching up with those old friends. I would gladly accept an offer to meet up for coffee or diner to catch up, and my wife would be right there with me. Except for a few circumstances in our personal lives we come as a set, not individuals. 

@Longtime Hubby how often do you hang out with those old female friends without your wife?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> I am not afraid of anything. These are the boundaries I have set.


Cut your nose off to spite your face. You eliminated half the people you can be friends with because they are women. Kinda out there. Way out there.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think what may be missing in this discussion is that there is a wide spectrum to what a friend is or what it means to be friends with someone. I have women I consider friends, some my wife only knows as an acquaintance. I also have some women that I've known since Jr high or earlier that I call friends and my wife doesn't know them at all. I wouldn't dump them as friends just because they are women and I'm incapable of having a female friend without wanting to jump their bones.
> 
> However, they will never be what I call a close friend. They will never be the buddy I text a few times a day to talk about this or that. They will not be the friend I meet up with every Saturday morning to go kayaking with, without my wife. They won't be the friend I meet every Tuesday and Thursday for lunch one on one. They won't be the friend I call to get an opinion on a contentious topic between me and my wife.
> 
> ...


Well, I have taken a mutual female friend of our’s to concerts. Stop in to sat hi if see her on a bike ride. How often? Now and then. It’s no biggie as i am not trying to **** her. We are simply friends.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> So that I don’t give the wrong impression to others and I believe it’s the right thing to do.


who cares what others think if you and a female friend go to dinner ?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Cut your nose off to spite your face. You eliminated half the people you can be friends with because they are women. Kinda out there. Way out there.


Well we all have boundaries. For some it is no involvement what so ever with opposite sex, for me I make sure that if we meet it would be in a group setting. Never in a private setting with that person unless we were in a lift in the shopping mall. For some they don’t have any boundaries and it works for them perfectly. Who are we to judge what is right or wrong?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> Well we all have boundaries. For some it is no involvement what so ever with opposite sex, for me I make sure that if we meet it would be in a group setting. Never in a private setting with that person unless we were in a lift in the shopping mall. For some they don’t have any boundaries and it works for them perfectly. Who are we to judge what is right or wrong?


Fair enough. But we all need friends. Who cares if they have a penis or a vagina? you sound scared that you can’t control your sexual desires


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Captain Obvious said:


> I strongly believe that when one is in any kind of committed/exclusive relationship, you only have a finite amount of love, attention, affection, emotion, and energy to give. When you start syphoning it off to others, the world of hurt begins.


I don't view those things as static, non-renewable resources so much as things we grow. Example, I talk to a friend who read a book about something interesting, it interests me, I talk to spouse about it. I haven't siphoned off anything, I've grown something and spouse and I mutually benefit.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well, I have taken a mutual female friend of our’s to concerts. Stop in to sat hi if see her on a bike ride. How often? Now and then. It’s no biggie as i am not trying to **** her. We are simply friends.





Rayr44 said:


> Well we all have boundaries. For some it is no involvement what so ever with opposite sex, for me I make sure that if we meet it would be in a group setting. Never in a private setting with that person unless we were in a lift in the shopping mall. For some they don’t have any boundaries and it works for them perfectly. Who are we to judge what is right or wrong?


This is what I was trying to get at. Doing a one off activity with a mutual friend is fine. Doing it with a person your spouse has never even met or barely knows, not okay IMO. Stopping in to say hello in public and talking on occasion is fine.

Frequency, familiarity with both spouses and setting play a key role in my mind. In the end it comes down to what BOTH spouses are comfortable with.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is what I was trying to get at. Doing a one off activity with a mutual friend is fine. Doing it with a person your spouse has never even met or barely knows, not okay IMO. Stopping in to say hello in public and talking on occasion is fine.
> 
> Frequency, familiarity with both spouses and setting play a key role in my mind. In the end it comes down to what BOTH spouses are comfortable with.


Duly noted.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rayr44 said:


> Well we all have boundaries. For some it is no involvement what so ever with opposite sex, for me I make sure that if we meet it would be in a group setting. Never in a private setting with that person unless we were in a lift in the shopping mall. For some they don’t have any boundaries and it works for them perfectly. Who are we to judge what is right or wrong?


Not only about boundaries, it's about protecting yourself. In today atmosphere there is to much risk involved.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Have you ever found yourself doing something, that you had _specifically_ decided not to do?

I have. I am fully prepared to believe that some of you have not. 

If you're like me, with imperfect self-control and willpower, then it's a good idea to "build a fence around the law" as some people say. Avoid the "occasions of sin" as other people say. Not that I am either Jewish or Christian, but I've seen so many people (including me) do things that they felt sure they had decided not to do. 

And if I had a wife, I might be saying to her, sure, you're fine with your good-looking male previous boyfriend. Except, what happens if you happen to run into him on a day when you and me have had a bad disagreement, and then you've had a few drinks?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Not only about boundaries, it's about protecting yourself. In today atmosphere there is to much risk involved.


come on. Seriously?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> come on. Seriously?


Depends where you live and where you work.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

What would be the responses from the it’s okay crowd if this OSF and spouse had any sexual history prior to the marriage?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Fair enough. But we all need friends. Who cares if they have a penis or a vagina? you sound scared that you can’t control your sexual desires


I believe I have self control. But at the same time, I wouldn’t put myself in any kind of situation where I may have to justify myself later.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> come on. Seriously?


Yes, seriously. There are many mercenaries out there who are willing to lay a false claim to get a payday.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> What would be the responses from the it’s okay crowd if this OSF and spouse had any sexual history prior to the marriage?


That was not in the post.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Yes, seriously. There are many mercenaries out there who are willing to lay a false claim to get a payday.


I suppose it’s possible


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rayr44 said:


> I believe I have self control. But at the same time, I wouldn’t put myself in any kind of situation where I may have to justify myself later.


lunch with an old friend? My wife would not need justification from me


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That was not in the post.


Got it. Added a new pool


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> What would be the responses from the it’s okay crowd if this OSF and spouse had any sexual history prior to the marriage?


It depends upon who the people are and the nature of their interactions. In lots of instances it can be perfectly fine, and in lots of others it isn't.

That said I remain friends with a woman who I was in one instance very briefly the other man, while she was married when she cheated on her husband as a relationship exit thing (I was otherwise unattached and divorced at the time). That said my wife knows our past history together, likes her as well, and she thinks our friendship is perfectly fine.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> In today atmosphere there is to much risk involved.


What's today atmosphere?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Have you ever found yourself doing something, that you had _specifically_ decided not to do?
> 
> I have. I am fully prepared to believe that some of you have not.
> 
> ...


What's the chances of that?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What's today atmosphere?


Cloudy in Chicago


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

to respond to the topic it would be better to say what type friendship ,


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Have you ever found yourself doing something, that you had _specifically_ decided not to do?


No, not at all.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't view those things as static, non-renewable resources so much as things we grow. Example, I talk to a friend who read a book about something interesting, it interests me, I talk to spouse about it. I haven't siphoned off anything, I've grown something and spouse and I mutually benefit.


That sounds great, but when your reality is you have 5 child sports practices that week, plus another 3-4 games, bday parties, cub scouts, etc, spouses don't have a lot of time. So when you don't have time to even listen to me about my bad day at work, or what the neighbor was telling me about the street construction, but you have time to talk to someone else about a book you both really like, that can be a problem.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Longtime Hubby said:


> lunch with an old friend? My wife would not need justification from me


Many cheaters do not intend to cheat. They cheat because they put themselves in situations with members of the opposite sex where they can developed feelings that they did not necessarily seek out. You can say that would never happen to you because you trust your spouse, but all too often it does happen. A trustworthy spouse is not immune to developing romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse just because they did not seek it out.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

TRy said:


> Many cheaters do not intend to cheat. They cheat because they put themselves in situations with members of the opposite sex where they can developed feelings that they did not necessarily seek out. You can say that would never happen to you because you trust your spouse, but all too often it does happen. A trustworthy spouse is not immune to developing romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse just because they did not seek it out.


perhaps


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I say yes. But only if there are really good boundaries in place. I have a few male friends who I have been friends with for decades. I would not have maintained my friendship with them had they been disrespectful of my relationship with my ex-husband, nor would I have dreamed of disrespecting their relationship with their partners. Strategies that I used (mostly unconciously, but sometimes deliberately): 1) I never spoke about my relationship with my partner to them. Sometimes they would tell me about their partner, but it was pretty rare. 2) I never met with them where my partner didn’t know about it. 3) If my partner was available, he was always welcome to join (and often did). 4) I befriended their partners. 5) Absolutely no secrets from my partner. If they told me something in confidence, it was expected that I would share that with my partner. 6) I avoided any situation that could be misconstrued as something else. I didn’t go drinking with them, if we went out to eat it was a super casual setting. 7) It never happened, but if it felt like my friend was developing inappropriate feelings, I would have avoided spending time with them alone. 

These friends knew me when I was single and we didn’t have a romantic relationship then, and after my divorce they are still my friends. They weren‘t waiting to swoop in, because if I had wanted to be with them that way (or vis versa) it would have happened, prior or after my relationship with my ex. 

I didn’t make new male friends while in a relationship, outside of casual interactions. But I did still make new female friendships. But I would never want to lose the male friendships that I do have. Ecspecially, now that I am single. After 30 years, they are more like my brothers as opposed to potential romantic interests.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> What would be the responses from the it’s okay crowd if this OSF and spouse had any sexual history prior to the marriage?


It depends and boundaries.

I currently have one ex as a friend on a social media.

We don't see each other in real life but were glad to find each other still kicking and mostly talk about kids and jobs.

My wife would not be ok with me seeing her alone and I agree with that boundary so there is that.

I am friends with some women but I treat them like women with boundaries that I don't have with other men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> No, not at all.


Anecdotally, I have never had sex when I didn't want to with the exception of being assaulted.

I have sympathy for people who have and really regretted it but it's always been a hard line for this barbarian.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Some people probably would find the NO answer draconian or controlling.

Those people haven't been snake bitten yet.

When a married person is friends with a single OSF, all it takes is a little crack in the marriage....

Been there, done that.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

SpinyNorman said:


> Why do you use your brain when you have a perfectly good penis?
> 
> I am kidding, but that is what I think most of the posters here are saying.


I see this assumption and insecurity being voiced for the most part. I'm very happy to have avoided these issues and am able to sit back and live life with wife and friends and not get my shorts in a knot that I'll be abandoned or find myself in the cheater's shoes.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

It's a slippery slope that I've tumbled down once. It's easy to say it can work, or it should work, or that you can MAKE it work with certain rules in place. But are you really 'friends' if you have to have all these rules in place to keep you from carrying on with each other? Maybe as I've gotten older I'm just not as idealistic as I used to be as I have personally never seen a situation where the man wasn't physically interetsed in the woman if asked. If you have that much time to be friends with the opposite sex spend that time on your spouse.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

TRy said:


> Many cheaters do not intend to cheat. They cheat because they put themselves in situations with members of the opposite sex where they can developed feelings that they did not necessarily seek out. You can say that would never happen to you because you trust your spouse, but all too often it does happen. A trustworthy spouse is not immune to developing romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse just because they did not seek it out.


Well said.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TRy said:


> Many cheaters do not intend to cheat. They cheat because they put themselves in situations with members of the opposite sex where they can developed feelings that they did not necessarily seek out. You can say that would never happen to you because you trust your spouse, but all too often it does happen. A trustworthy spouse is not immune to developing romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse just because they did not seek it out.


I don't buy that at all.

Make no mistake, cheating/sexual infidelity is an active and enthusiastic choice. No one really accidentally falls onto a penis or into a vagina or anus. It requires desire, willingness, active choices, and consent to occur.

If people weren't intending to cheat, there would simply be no cheating at all.

For example, a long time ago while engaged to my wife, an attractive Japanese student (brand new) housemate of mine enthusiastically asked me to share sex with her. Now I certainly found her attractive and would have had no hesitation in accommodating her request, if I was otherwise unattached or in an open sexual relationship. Yet I wasn't, so I simply chose to turn her down. In response she asked if I was gay, and I told her I was engaged to be married and it would be poor form. She then assured me, she didn't mind at all and would not embarrass me with my fiancé. Yet again I still turned her down, since by choice, as always I choose not to cheat on any of my sexual partners.

Of which I have had plenty of direct explicit offers to share sex with others while, I have otherwise been exclusively partnered. Yet in all of those instances as well, I have chosen to say no. Since that choice is an active thing.

On the other hand if I ever do want to cheat on a sexual partner of mine, I will actively choose to do exactly that with intent since it can't happen without capability, intent and opportunity. One thing for sure, I am not inclined to pass it off as unintended since that is a massive crock of ****.

Now with that said, I don't think sexual infidelity is the end of the world depending upon who you are. I mean I don't care if other people are cheated on, sure it sucks to be them and I have zero tolerance of it myself. Yet I am not deluded enough to believe that the other person is the problem, knowing full well that sexual infidelity/cheating can only occur as a consequence of, ones promised partner undertaking betrayal by active and enthusiastic choice.

Likewise I have no problem with the other men and women availing themselves of opportunities to share sex with those who are cheating on their own partners. Since absent any promises of fidelity being proffered by the other person to the betrayed, they owe them nothing. So if the cheater wants to share consensual sex with someone and that someone is consenting, good for them.

At the end of the day it will always ever be thus, cheating is always an issue inherent in the cheater, not in their various partners. Plus to be sure, it is always done with intent.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Personal said:


> I don't buy that at all.
> 
> Make no mistake, cheating/sexual infidelity is an active and enthusiastic choice. No one really accidentally falls onto a penis or into a vagina or anus. It requires desire, willingness, active choices, and consent to occur.
> 
> ...


I agree. I took myself off the market and did not allow approaches once I became interested in getting to know my future wife. We had a very dramatic relationship in that during the year before we wed she was not sure that she would not go back to Australia or Germany, so she could not really expect me to be monogamous at that point. My choice.

Then at about the 7 year mark I began to feel neglected and began commiserating with a cute co worker who was feeling neglected in her marriage. There was real sexual tension between us, but I never at any time initiated anything or permitted even touch. At one point our employer flew us from where we worked in El Segundo, CA to XEROX PARC in Palo Alto, CA for a few days of training. Again, no touch. 

So from my experience, I cannot credit the notion that fidelity and infidelity are not choices.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Personal said:


> If people weren't intending to cheat, there would simply be no cheating at all.


You are married and believe that there is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends (“OSF”). You talk to OSF at work because as a human you need to talk to other people. You go to lunch with an OSF because you do not like eating alone. At no time are you planning to cheat. You like talking and texting to this OSF so much that you begin to text them dozens of times a day. You do not have any intention to cheat and sex has not even been brought up, so you feel you are OK. Then one day your spouse accuses you of being in an emotional affair, and as proof they show you that you texted this OSF thousands of time just in the last month. They also point out that as your texting and conversations with your OSF increased, your texting and conversations with your spouse greatly decreased. The worst part is when your spouse points out that sex with your spouse has dropped off to only 2 times a month.

Do you admit to being in an emotional affair (“EA”)? Are EAs cheating? When you entered this friendship with this OSF, was it your intention all along to cheat?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TRy said:


> Do you admit to being in an emotional affair (“EA”)?


I can't speak for others, yet I think that the idea of emotional affairs being a thing of significance is nonsense. That is often pedalled by insecure people, who want thought police type of control over their sexual partners.

That said since you're asking, if I were accused of being in an emotional affair (something that I have never experienced). My response would be to laugh at my accuser and then tell them to get over themselves, start living in reality and worry about actual sexual infidelity versus namby pamby they don't like ones friends nonsense.

And on texting thousands of times, ewwww I think I'd rather cut off both of my arms with a rusty nail than have to text anyone even dozens of times through a month. Texting sucks dead dogs balls.

Of which my ex-wife cheated on me for real way back when (31 years ago), so she shared actual sexual relations with another man. Which saw her lose her opportunity to stay married to me. Oh well life sometimes sucks, yet it sometimes doesn't as well. So I dumped her, got over it, moved on, had fun (am still having fun) and haven't been fearful of being cheated on ever again either. Since I don't feel it is my responsibility to police my sexual partners, since they are responsible for controlling themselves.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Personal said:


> if I were accused of being in an emotional affair (something that I have never experienced). My response would be to laugh at my accuser


NOT A GOOD IDEA to just laugh at your accuser ,I think you just saying this because it is so far from how you feel about any of your friends , but I understand as many accusers find fault because they would not be able control themselves in the same ,

like you they say a guy that steals can see windows open that we never see , 
this thinking goes way back best police are the ones that knows how the mind of that type criminal works


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> NOT A GOOD IDEA to just laugh at your accuser ,I think you just saying this because it is so far from how you feel about any of your friends ,


Laughter is the most appropriate response to such stupendous nonsense, so of course I would really laugh.

And it has nothing to do with how I feel about my friends or anyone else's friends either.

At the end of the day I care about what people actually do in reality, not what they think in their head and especially not about imaginary make believe "emotional affairs". So again that's why I would laugh, since that kind of crap deserves some healthy ridicule.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TRy said:


> Many cheaters do not intend to cheat. They cheat because they put themselves in situations with members of the opposite sex where they can developed feelings that they did not necessarily seek out. You can say that would never happen to you because you trust your spouse, but all too often it does happen. A trustworthy spouse is not immune to developing romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse just because they did not seek it out.


Very true. I think many believe they are with their soulmate. They are each the only person in the world for one another. That is romantic, but it just isn't true and sadly it can be dangerous for the relationship if you fully delude yourself into believing that. You can be deeply and madly in love with each other, but it isn't because of some mysterious fated connection only meant for you. It is because something "clicked" between the two of you and you've kept it up over the years. Given that there are 7B other people in the world there are likely 10's of thousands (maybe many more) of other people out there that you would likely click with. If you spend enough time getting personal and close with someone you risk sparking a romantic connection where you never intended. It is just human nature. If you are smart you avoid getting into those situations to begin with. You may also have an opportunity to step away when you first notice that romantic connection forming, but by then you are standing right at the edge of the cliff. I don't want my wife or me to take the risk of standing at the edge of that precipice.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Very true. I think many believe they are with their soulmate. They are each the only person in the world for one another. That is romantic, but it just isn't true and sadly it can be dangerous for the relationship if you fully delude yourself into believing that. You can be deeply and madly in love with each other, but it isn't because of some mysterious fated connection only meant for you. It is because something "clicked" between the two of you and you've kept it up over the years. Given that there are 7B other people in the world there are likely 10's of thousands (maybe many more) of other people out there that you would likely click with. If you spend enough time getting personal and close with someone you risk sparking a romantic connection where you never intended. It is just human nature. If you are smart you avoid getting into those situations to begin with. You may also have an opportunity to step away when you first notice that romantic connection forming, but by then you are standing right at the edge of the cliff. I don't want my wife or me to take the risk of standing at the edge of that precipice.


“soulmate“ - the word amuses me and wife. I think we all have many we feel closer to. I can think of four right now. Souls not involved.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Personal said:


> At the end of the day I care about what people actually do in reality, not what they think in their head and especially not about imaginary make believe "emotional affairs". So again that's why I would laugh, since that kind of crap deserves some healthy ridicule.


I have a good friend that I have known since childhood. He is an honest and decent person. I was a groomsman at his wedding. They did not have any boundaries against opposite sex friends, other then no sex with members of the opposite sex. When he asked for a divorce, his wife accused him of having an “emotional affair”, and he said that there is no such thing as an emotional affair. When his wife asked me to speak with him, he insisted that he never cheated since he never had any form of sex with his opposite sex friend until after he filed for divorce and was legally separated. He immediately married his opposite sex friend when the divorce was final. She says that he cheated on her when they were married. He says emotional affairs are BS and that he never cheated. It seems that you agree with my friend that he did not cheat.

This is reality.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

TRy said:


> I have a good friend that I have known since childhood. He is an honest and decent person. I was a groomsman at his wedding. They did not have any boundaries against opposite sex friends, other then no sex with members of the opposite sex. When he asked for a divorce, his wife accused him of having an “emotional affair”, and he said that there is no such thing as an emotional affair. When his wife asked me to speak with him, he insisted that he never cheated since he never had any form of sex with his opposite sex friend until after he filed for divorce and was legally separated. He immediately married his opposite sex friend when the divorce was final. She says that he cheated on her when they were married. He says emotional affairs are BS and that he never cheated. It seems that you agree with my friend that he did not cheat.
> 
> This is reality.


That reminds me of the statement made a few months ago here: "Nobody has banged more spouses than "Just a friend" or "He/She is like a brother/sister to me".


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yes they can ...but (for the male) only if the woman is so unappealing (to him) that he wouldn't even acknowledges her as a potential sex mate, least of all as a partner, even for one moment.

Any other woman, it's a potential mate; which even if it's at a subconscious level...it is there.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes they can ...but (for the male) only if the woman is so unappealing (to him) that he wouldn't even acknowledges her as a potential sex mate


So you're saying the male also must not drink. (sort of joking, sort of not)

It's easier and safer to just say No. They can't.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Yeesh. Maybe I should share out some of my inhibitions so folks can live without insecurities of what will happen. I have more than enough to share.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Captain Obvious said:


> I strongly believe that when one is in any kind of committed/exclusive relationship, *you only have a finite amount of love, attention, affection, emotion, and energy to give.* When you start syphoning it off to others, the world of hurt begins.





Captain Obvious said:


> That sounds great, but when your reality is you have 5 child sports practices that week, plus another 3-4 games, bday parties, cub scouts, etc, spouses don't have a lot of time. So when you don't have time to even listen to me about my bad day at work, or what the neighbor was telling me about the street construction, but you have time to talk to someone else about a book you both really like, that can be a problem.


My free time is obviously finite, but it isn't one of the 5 things you mentioned.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> My free time is obviously finite, but it isn't one of the 5 things you mentioned.


My free time is also finite and it doesn’t include book club with adult women that aren’t my wife.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It's easier and safer to just say No. They can't.


The problem with life is that nothing is black and white. There's all kind of gray shades. A plain "No" does not suffice.

Shamefully, I'm a living proof of that. When I was in my 20s I met a woman my age at a party. She wasn't hideous, but to my taste and sensibilities, She was an immediately complete turn off.

Guess what, I got too drunk that night (one of the very few times in my life), And when I woke up in the morning, I wanted to run as fast as I could. She was there with me. Damned, I shagged her. I didn't want to be an utter jackass to her and hurt her by saying or acting like one, so I pretended that everything was OK, although a little aloof (which I think she picked it up). I was able to extricate myself from from soon after.

I sweared never to get drunk again. Only person that knew what happened was my roommate because he was with me at the party. I was mortified, but he played cool, but with a smirk on his face.

But back to your point. Yes, is easy to just say no, but not necessarily. At this stage of my life, even if the hottest woman that you can find and place her naked in front of me, I wouldn't be moved to act on it. Acts, which I had experienced already. Woman able and willing and I said no. One woman asked kind of crying if I was a "******."
I'll never forget that incident, she was pretty, but not my kind, and I didn't feel like having sex with her. And I've had like three beers already.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

The issue is sex......honestly/bluntly speaking, as I man I'm usually friends with women I find (or found) attractive. In many cases, we got the sex over with and then evolved into a friendship. Though it's not a condition for friendship, people are naturally drawn to people they are attracted to. If anyone disputed this, they are lying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

From the poll, I would guess some can but most can't?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> From the poll, I would guess some can but most can't?


The devil is in the details.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

aston said:


> The issue is sex......honestly/bluntly speaking, as I man I'm usually friends with women I find (or found) attractive. In many cases, we got the sex over with and then evolved into a friendship. Though it's not a condition for friendship, people are naturally drawn to people they are attracted to. If anyone disputed this, they are lying.


Your opinion is your opinion. Your perception is your perception. Don’t confuse them with ‘facts’ or ‘truths’. - John Moore


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I have many women acquaintances but an actual friend who I would text for anything other than “meet here for hill run” nope.

Then again I don’t have a lot of guy friends I text things to. My phone has maybe 4 guys on it with texts of any regularity and the majority of it is trash talk.

On a daily basis I send one text message to my wife that it’s time for lunch. That’s it.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Captain Obvious said:


> My free time is also finite and it doesn’t include book club with adult women that aren’t my wife.


I cannot keep up with the moving target that this discussion is. It reminds me that the best advice for someone seeking advice on their marriage is "get it somewhere else".


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> I cannot keep up with the moving target that this discussion is. It reminds me that the best advice for someone seeking advice on their marriage is "get it somewhere else".


I kind of agree with you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> It reminds me that the best advice for someone seeking advice on their marriage is "get it somewhere else".


And don't uncritically take any advice about marriage that you get here (or anywhere else).


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

My theory: it depends on sex drive. Some people are horny all the time. Opposite sex friendships could be dangerous for them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I come from a background of a couple of different extended friend groups who all knew everyone else in the group. Some of those people were married. Many of them were just easy going. And yes there was some cross-pollination in the group but sometimes when a group of people have enough in common and history in common they remain friends through thick and thin to some extent.

Overall my two different friend groups like that just didn't raise that question. They were all going to end up in the same place socially married or not married eventually so I think everyone just accepted it. Of course there could have been some fights behind closed doors and maybe no one else would have known.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rayr44 said:


> Three-quarters of single men and roughly two-thirds of single women have an opposite-sex friend.
> 
> ....What would be your take on it? Can you have friendship with an opposite sex once you are married?


That is a tough question. I would say that yes, you can have a friendship with someone who is of the opposite sex, especially if they were a friend before marriage. 

I am 73 years old. There are lots of "women" I grew up with who I knew as friends from grade school to middle school, to high school. After I fell in love with my wife, I stopped making new friends of the opposite sex, except for a couple of my future wife's roommates, who were much more my future wife's friends than mine. 

I would say that while married it is not a good idea to become friends with members of the opposite sex, unless there is an absolutely clear reason why the two of you could never have romantic feelings for each other (age difference, huge cultural difference-like she is a nun, sexual orientation, etc.).

So my answer is a qualified "yes" if you knew them before your relationship with your wife got serious.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> That is a tough question. I would say that yes, you can have a friendship with someone who is of the opposite sex, especially if they were a friend before marriage.
> 
> I am 73 years old. There are lots of "women" I grew up with who I knew as friends from grade school to middle school, to high school. After I fell in love with my wife, I stopped making new friends of the opposite sex, except for a couple of my future wife's roommates, who were much more my future wife's friends than mine.
> 
> ...


You can be friends with your opposite sex if you respect and (men especially) don’t see women as an sexual object. With boundaries, self control and respect it’s possible. Their is an immense opportunity to learn and grow from our opposite sexes.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> That is a tough question. I would say that yes, you can have a friendship with someone who is of the opposite sex, especially if they were a friend before marriage.
> 
> I am 73 years old. *There are lots of "women" I grew up with who I knew as friends from grade school to middle school, to high school. After I fell in love with my wife, I stopped making new friends of the opposite sex*, except for a couple of my future wife's roommates, who were much more my future wife's friends than mine.
> 
> ...


Pretty much the rule I go by.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rayr44 said:


> I believe I have self control. But at the same time, I wouldn’t put myself in any kind of situation where I may have to justify myself later.


I tend to be very risk averse when it comes to things that I value. My wife and marriage are at the top of the list of things I value, and for me, the reward of a close female friend is just not worth the risk.

Do I believe that I have the self control to refrain from having an affair? Absolutely. But at the same time, I also know that one cannot account for every single possibility and situation that one could find themselves in, so I take control of what I can control and minimize the risk.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I thought about this and there have been a few scenarios where I hung out with Female friends just the two of us. One was when we lived in London. I was big into going to Clubs and London had some good ones. There was one particular DJ I was a fan of who had a residency at Heaven (Yes Londoners I know it's a gay club). In our friend group was a girl who also liked this DJ and we use to go every month just the two of us, we went to a bunch of other clubs as well, usually grabbed a bite to eat before. Over the years there have been a few times I have gone to an event/dinner/drinks with women for various reasons all but one were friends of both my wife and I. Never had a problem.


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