# Sex as blackmail



## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

So yesterday night was our "date night". The one night out of the week where we can kick back, relax, drink a glass or three of wine, talk, usually followed by a romantic comedy and sex.

Everything was going well until we were making out, and suddenly the wife brings up something from this morning: "I don't want to pay for housekeeping anymore. Unless you agree, no sex tonight."

As an aside, we sprung for biweekly housekeeping because both of us are messy and rather lazy individuals, whom before the advent of housekeeping just let things pile up and up, until we were both frustrated and annoyed. This was our solution, with housekeeping split between the both of us.

Frankly, she had grumbled about housekeeping in the morning, but didn't say anything about not paying. In fact, if she said that she didn't want to pay for housekeeping in the morning, I most likely would have grumbled but said "fine", if nothing else to keep the peace...plus I like a clean house.

But to use sex as blackmail, this to me was just wrong, wrong, wrong.

I told her that discussing things with me like this was not acceptable, whereupon she sprung out of bed and started to watch TV, and didn't want to discuss this issue at all.

I said I'd talk to her more about this tomorrow. We both went to bed angry. She's now off to get her monthly scheduled massage (funny how she can afford that but not housekeeping). 

So...what do I do? What do I say?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Exactly what you said here. 
Its out of order to bring up subjects that will potentially cause a heavy debate when your planning intimacy. Thats way out of oreder and I feel well planned. Sadly both you you need to get a grip and look after your home TOGETHER. Question her on why she feels that the cost of housekeeping should not be a shared thing if youve both agreed to share, unless suddenly shes not leaving her stuff around and is cleaning up!. You do need to set boundries here. hen youve a date night there shouldnt be subject matter thrown in like this especially if sex is used as a blackmail tool. Talk is the first stage, then making sure that sex is NOT used by either of you as a weapon. Going to be angry - not a good idea at anytime.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Who makes more money? Who works more hours?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ok let me see.
OP and his wife have their date night for kick back relax ,romance, sex.
Everything's * going ok * until sex,when she decides to pull a
" wild card ."

Sounds like blackmail to me.
She is trying to use sex as a bargaining chip.
Settle this housekeeping matter with her firstly.
Then let her know that she is never to make that " mistake " of using sex as a bargain chip again.

Also OP,whenever you take the time to have your romantic evenings,and things lead to sex, tell her that she is not allowed to bring anything else beside pleasure into the conversation.

Talk about it after sex , not before or during.

If your wife is thinking about housekeeping during foreplay then either she is not into it or you are doing something wrong.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

geeesh she sounds like a spoiled brat who is used to bully tactics to get her way.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OMG, I'm a woman and I am effing APPALLED that she would even say this.

When she gets home, ask her WHEN would be the best time for you two to sit down and talk about last night.

When it IS time to talk about it. Tell her, "I just want to be clear about something, you WERE joking about the no-sex thing if I didn't agree with you, weren't you? Because if you weren't, you are SADLY MISTAKEN if you think we are going to use sex or lack of it as a bargaining tool to blackmail each other into getting our own way." 

Then sit back and let her respond.

If she agrees she WAS joking, then tell her that THAT is a joke that WILL NEVER BE REPEATED in this house.

If she says she was NOT joking, then tell her you BOTH have a serious problem. You will not be blackmailed into doing her bidding by threats of no-sex. She is treating herself like a prostitute (I will have sex in exchange for saving $X/week on housekeeping.) and that YOU do not think of her like that and you don't want to see her think of herself that way, either.

If she doesn't want to pay for housekeeping, then fine, YOU DON'T PAY FOR IT EITHER. She needs to grow up! There are only so many ways to fix your problem. Either you both save the money and quit being so (admittedly) lazy and clean up after yourselves like adults, or both of you spend the money on hiring someone to clean up after both of you. You should NOT take on the financial burden alone as there is NO NEED FOR IT (as you pointed out, she can afford a massage, she can afford a housekeeper). If she was temporarily unemployed, that would be a different story.

If she insists that using the no-sex thing is okay or normal or whatever lame-brained excuse she's going to try to use, tell her that YOU BOTH WILL go to marriage counseling immediately to sort this out. If she is unwilling to go or unwilling to give up her sex-as-blackmail behavior, then get the h*ll out; who needs to be married to an immature, grasping wh*re? [give me what I want, or I'll cut off the sex]


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Intimacy should be something that is shared and is mutually beneficial, it should *NEVER* be used as a weapon like this.

It's funny, but myself and my wife used to have a similar problem with the house getting out of hand, so we ended up getting a cleaner/housekeeper to come around once a week for a couple of hours. In terms of monthly costs, it's quite pricey, but it eliminates some of the tension and stress that used to be between us. I'm organised and tidy, my wife - not so much! 

What your wife said was completely wrong, but you mentioned you had already discussed it during the morning. Ideally, the issue should have been resolved there and then. Not criticising you, just saying that it's not good for these issues to keep hanging over things.

Maybe you should point out to her the reasons why bi-weekly housekeeping is a good idea and why you feel the money spent on it is justified. It's only fair that you share the costs, but would you prepared to pay it all yourself if you had to? 

Again, what she did was wrong, and I am by no means defending her, but in her head, it was probably a case of "he won't agree to what I want, so why should I give him anything"? Wrong for sure. All you can do is explain that you think it was wrong and try your best together to resolve these issues that hang over things. Best of luck


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

so the end result: she came back, i asked to talk with her.

after taking *slowlygettingwiser*'s advice, she apologized and said she shouldn't have done that, and that she would not do it again.

we ended up splitting the housekeeping costs to proportional to income.

good end result? things to learn from this?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

We'll find out in the future. 

If when you two are close, and she wants to go to Hawaii, and you want to Mexico, and she says "Hawaii or no sex." 
Then we know we made zero progress.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think a lot of these responses can worsen the situation by making her feel defensive. 

My recommendation would be a calmer approach. Tell her you're sorry that you had such a strong response, and then calmly tell her that when you heard her comment, she might as well have told you she will stop loving you if you don't let her control you, because that's how her message struck your heart.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It's the power of the V and all wives user to their advantage. Your wife just didn't try to mask it at all. You can do what you feel is necessary but sooner or later, you'll probably give in. They can go without it a lot longer than we can, and they know it.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

descarado said:


> so the end result: she came back, i asked to talk with her.
> 
> after taking *slowlygettingwiser*'s advice, she apologized and said she shouldn't have done that, and that she would not do it again.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a pretty good resolution to me  Great that she understands and acknowledges what she said/did was wrong too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:rofl:

You are so lucky, your wife is so straight forward with the blackmail it's hilarious lol
Hell what I would do to my wife if she ever pulled that one on me heh

Hell I wouldn't be able to stop laughing AT her lol

It's blackmail mate, treat it like that, therefore: Don't give a sh-t! Bring it!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I would've laughed at her, said, "Hush now..." and carried her to the bedroom.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Personally I don't give in to threats or blackmail and I never negotiate with terrorists. 

"No?"
Ok then No it is.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Good on you. All went rather went really didn't it!

Have to ask...does she like sex? 
I'm just wondering if she would have missed it much if this scenario had ended differently

but glad for you both it didn't.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife has said stuff like if you do this, you will get sex. lol. Like going to the store and stuff. I always took it as a way of asking me to make love to her.


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