# Spouse's Reaction to My Great Cancer News



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

So just looking for some comments...

I have been 30 months post Stage 3 cancer and just recently had a CT scan. Based on the location of my cancer, a CT scan is most likely to pick up a recurrence and obviously that would not be a good thing.

I have had one scope and one CT so far. But my bloodwork recently spiked a bit, nothing major, and I was ramped up like no tomorrow about my recent CT scan. My surgeon said even the 2 year mark is a major milestone cancer free, and this CT scan was frightening to me.

So I told my concerns to my wife and several close friends. All my friends wanted me to let them know as soon as I got results.

I got a clean CT. Bravo! I was floating. Several friends wrote or texted me super excited notes. A few friends in person gave me gigantic hugs. My wife texted me that was good news.

It just seemed so odd to me that I had much more "visceral" and heart warming reactions from my friends than from my own wife. Yes I know I have issues with my relationship, and so my spidey senses usually go negative lately on her actions, but this one just really sticks me. 

Later that day she got some good news on some internet research she was doing. She was waaaaay more excited about that than my CT results.

I guess with the lack of affection and caring I feel, and that it just seems like we are roommates now, I shouldn't be surprised. I guess I still thought that my own wife we be so excited for my news. I came home that night, after getting her text that day, and not a word was mentioned about my news. It just still 3 days later is not sitting well with me. 

Maybe I expect too much sometimes. She does say I am a perfectionist but this just seems basic to me..


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No i don't think your expecting too much at all.
This news is champagne cork popping news!

I find it odd your wife isn't jubilant at the results.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Serious illness can destroy relationships. Has the cancer treatment harmed your sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

First, congratulations, that is great news. Second, without knowing your wife, I don't know if what I am about to say would pertain to her or not but here goes. I know that when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, that it was hard news to take. Knowing that someone so close to you may die. She went through surgery, remission and by the time she got to her re-check, etc., I had a difficult time reacting to her happiness that she was still cancer free. She got angry with me because I did not make a big deal of it. It was a big deal, but I had difficulty showing happiness because even the good news was a reminder of a sad, and difficult time. And another reminder that she was no longer invincible and wouldn't be around forever. I tended to change the subject without realizing it just simply because the subject made me feel like crying even if it was good news. Sounds messed up, but that was what I was feeling and why I didn't appear to show as much happiness as others may have. Maybe, hopefully, that is why your wife reacted that way. Maybe it was because it was a painful reminder of the possibility of losing you.?


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Serious illness can destroy relationships. Has the cancer treatment harmed your sex life?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not think so.

We have no kids but probably at best have sex once a week. Our sex life is not great in my mind and the cancer has not affected it to greatly. 

Other than the radiation has numbed some sensations for me which make using condoms even worse. Unfortunately we are using condoms because my wife does not want to be on the pill any longer, the iud freaked her out after a week and she had it removed, and now a vasectomy is only option. After my cancer surgeries even a procedure like a vasectomy does not excite me. Plus I am not sure what is happening with our relationship in my mind going fwd, so wouldn't want to do that anyway at this time.


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

Tufluv said:


> First, congratulations, that is great news. Second, without knowing your wife, I don't know if what I am about to say would pertain to her or not but here goes. I know that when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, that it was hard news to take. Knowing that someone so close to you may die. She went through surgery, remission and by the time she got to her re-check, etc., I had a difficult time reacting to her happiness that she was still cancer free. She got angry with me because I did not make a big deal of it. It was a big deal, but I had difficulty showing happiness because even the good news was a reminder of a sad, and difficult time. And another reminder that she was no longer invincible and wouldn't be around forever. I tended to change the subject without realizing it just simply because the subject made me feel like crying even if it was good news. Sounds messed up, but that was what I was feeling and why I didn't appear to show as much happiness as others may have. Maybe, hopefully, that is why your wife reacted that way. Maybe it was because it was a painful reminder of the possibility of losing you.?


That is what I am hoping. She has depression that is fairly under control now. So I know there are many factors at play here.

The night I was diagnosed and needed her she broke down and I consoled her the whole evening about how she was going to live if she lost me.

I realize that I needed her that night and her illness took over. But I have a friend with depression who was right over the edge mad at my wife for her reaction that night. She said no matter how ill someone is, that was a night my wife should have put herself to the side and been there for me.

My wife actually wasnt that ill when I was diagnosed, so I guess I still have a difficult time with her reaction that night.

But I realize that could also be in play here with her reaction, but I find it odd that she can get so happy and excited about something else that day and yet not so much about my gigantic news. I mean it was beyond huge to me at this pt in time, I was virtually floating when I got the results.

BUt it also goes back to her reaction at my cancer and all along my fight. She has never once said I will be ok and don't worry. All my friends have said that to me.

When I finally questioned her about why she never has said hey, it's going to be all right and you're going to make it through this...she said that is because we don't know what is going to happen. She said all my friends basically lied to me just to make me feel better, as there is no way for them to know what the future holds for me. I realize when you strip away everything, she is 100% correct. Just not sure if that is what you should be telling, or not saying, to your husband with cancer though. It certainly did not help motivate me to beat cancer! lol I found it very off-putting.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Fantastic news on the latest results!


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Oh goodness... I guess I just assumed that she was there for you emotionally and physically throughout your entire battle. I really hesitate to say this but... that is the very test of any relationship and I think the very 1 thing that most of us on this forum fear..... The thought that our spouse will not be there for us during a time of such need. That they will be so self absorbed that anything you are going through will have to be put on the back burner in-order to console them. That, is really backwards. I think you have been through what we all fear and your wife failed the true test of commitment, friendship and selflessness. I'm sorry, but it sounds like this is not the person to grow old with. Unless, I misunderstood, and she did take good care of you while you went through it all.


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

Tufluv said:


> Oh goodness... I guess I just assumed that she was there for you emotionally and physically throughout your entire battle. I really hesitate to say this but... that is the very test of any relationship and I think the very 1 thing that most of us on this forum fear..... The thought that our spouse will not be there for us during a time of such need. That they will be so self absorbed that anything you are going through will have to be put on the back burner in-order to console them. That, is really backwards. I think you have been through what we all fear and your wife failed the true test of commitment, friendship and selflessness. I'm sorry, but it sounds like this is not the person to grow old with. Unless, I misunderstood, and she did take good care of you while you went through it all.


It certainly was not great. I think because she was not there as I would have hoped, our other issues kept flaring. And just the stress of going through cancer together can take many of relationships down.

But it became easier to go to radiation appointments on my own at one point, just because it was either her making a deal of my driving or parking on the way to an appt and actually not coming into it once we got there, or just not emotionally there for me. I actually enjoyed going alone because it was much easier and less stressful.

She definitely helped out though, as I needed it through two major surgeries. I don't know, I guess these types of life illnesses can be a real test of ones love.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't read too much into it, like hey, mates always act all jiddy and happy for ya etc etc when half the time they don't really give a sh-t. As for your wife she's probably just so used to you right now and would only act up if it was bad news.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

nicholascanada said:


> BUt it also goes back to her reaction at my cancer and all along my fight. She has never once said I will be ok and don't worry. All my friends have said that to me.
> 
> When I finally questioned her about why she never has said hey, it's going to be all right and you're going to make it through this...*she said that is because we don't know what is going to happen. She said all my friends basically lied to me just to make me feel better, as there is no way for them to know what the future holds for me. I realize when you strip away everything, she is 100% correct. Just not sure if that is what you should be telling, or not saying, to your husband with cancer though. It certainly did not help motivate me to beat cancer! lol I found it very off-putting*.


Wow! I'm HAPPY for you, and I don't even KNOW you!

I think your wife is bytchy and caustic and is making up BS excuses! 

The reality is that we're ALL dying! The minute we're born, we begin the journey to death. It's a fact, but we don't throw it in each other's faces! 

Her implication that she's just being 'honest' is pure BS! I'm sure she's not THE smartest woman on Earth, but should you tell her that in the interests of being perfectly 'honest'? Of course not! You wouldn't want to say it, and she wouldn't want to hear it!

If you went out socially and one of her friends told your wife how great she looked, would you be within your rights to say, "Well, she's nowhere near as good-looking as [insert any beautiful woman's name], you know! I mean I'm just being HONEST!"

Falling back on "honesty" as an excuse for rude, hurtful, unloving behavior is BS! I hope you can either straighten things out with her or leave her with dignity because you've been through ENOUGH and you DESERVE happiness and REAL TRUE LOVE that you can FEEL (not just 'hear' about with your ears) and cherish and hold onto as you wend your way through life!

There are plenty of LOVING, supportive, uplifting people out there! Surround yourself with them and cut the negative loose if you can't change it to positive!

*cyber hugs* on a GREAT recovery and a future of peace, love, and joy!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Congratulations! What a milestone!!!!

I think your wife has problems being emotionally available and has cut herself off from feeling anything in order to protect herself. This does not excuse her behavior one single little bit. I think you should call her out on it and tell her how it feels that you can reply on friends for emotional support and emotional encouragement but not your own wife!

My husband was the same way when I had cancer and it hurt me a great deal. I had to be strong for the kids cause they were freaking out and he just went silent. I had friends who were my rock, but for my husband it was just mechanical motions.

I recently went with my sister, stage IV kidney cancer, to get results of a suspected secondary cancer. We both remained stoic during the appointment but when we left with great news we cried and hugged in the hallway. "I was so scared." "I wasn't expecting good news at all!"

My husband told me just last week that he would go to his mothers house and cry out his fears there, almost 3 years after I was declared cancer free. 

I am sure your wife has felt everything associated with your cancer, everything. She has simply clamped down on all of it to avoid the deep sadness and paralyzingly fear. Your wife probably likes to be in control of herself and things around her. As you know, when you or someone you love has cancer, control over anything goes out the window.

She needs to confront that part of her that needs control, and she needs to understand why it's important to your relationship that she show her fear, uncertainty, and deep relief. In the absence of showing those emotions, there is no proof of life or love.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I feel your pain & frustration.

Some people don't "do well" with illness especially cancer. My husband doesn't either. When I am relieved & happy with my test results (mammogram, pap smears) & share the good news he may mumble something but wants to change the subject.

I know for him, he is terrified of illness so doesn't want to talk about it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Our emotions surrounding our closest can be complex and as SGW observes death is a nasty fact of life. My father has Alzheimer's. Is he alive? Mot entorely. Should we begin to mourn?

Would your wife feel bad if she faced cancer? Is she generellt numb and unhappy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Our emotions surrounding our closest can be complex and as SGW observes death is a nasty fact of life. My father has Alzheimer's. Is he alive? Mot entorely. Should we begin to mourn?
> 
> Would your wife feel bad if she faced cancer? Is she generellt numb and unhappy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YEs she would definitely feel bad I think. She is not unhappy, just sometimes with her depression very muted.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Considering everything you have written here, you have always been *the BIGGER Rock*.. as your wife struggles with depression... ....even with everything going smoothly in one's life, this can be debilitating so they say...she is already geared pessimistic to a great degree...the near thought of loosing you, she felt her world would collapse..why you ended up consoling her that night...

Yes this is very sad. 

Now she needs to BE *that ROCK*...but it's a role she is not used to playing, so dependent on you..has it always been THIS WAY? 

If so....in this vein, it doesn't sound surprising she has been kinda numb throughout this...also I would ask if she is on meds....though your mentioning her getting "more excited" over something work related...I can see why you would be feeling as you do.

I don't think people REALLY know what they are made of /or how they will react...until something this "life hanging in the balance" *devastating* hits their family /a loved one.... I am one who feels the surviving spouse is hurting (or can hurt) almost as much, in some cases, it may even be harder ON THEM....as the one with the diagnosis.... It shouldn't BE this way... but it's possible...I am not sure I would jump to say these people do not love, but out of debilitating fears of the future, they are not acting as they ought...in your greatest time of NEED. 

But wonderful news you got -may you continue to get reports just like that one!


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