# Things in the past etc



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Been together 25 years. Got 2 great kids, one 1 yr old.

We've had our ups and downs over the years. But pretty good at the moment.

Trouble is I cant help thinking about things in the past. There have been a few dodgy incidents where I've suspected - some of these 20 years ago, some a few years ago.

Nothing definite, just odd thing she says, strange phone nos on mobile, way she talks to man she works with etc. Each time I've asked her and shes sworn on sons life there is nothing going on.

BUT I still think about these things and wonder if its all bad.

Yes, maybe I am paranoid. I have had issues in the past with depression/anxiety so maybe.

But what do I do? Obviously, mentioning to her will be strange because she'll wonder why I'm talking about stuff years in the past.

And what if i do find out its true. What to do then?

Do I ruin what we have now?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So sorry you're in this predicament. Do you have anything more than just strange phone numbers and her way of talking to guys?

You snoop in secret is what you do. You do not mention anything to her. And if you find out she's been cheating all those years, you divorce her.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

In my opinion the stuff from 20 years ago just let go...for now. It's okay to talk about what's happened recently within the past few years. If something comes out of that, then feel free to bring up 20 years ago.

What do YOU think happened?

And before you believe her hook line and sinker, know that I held my husband's face in my hands and promised him there was no one else. Which was a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> So sorry you're in this predicament. Do you have anything more than just strange phone numbers and her way of talking to guys?
> 
> You snoop in secret is what you do. You do not mention anything to her. And if you find out she's been cheating all those years, you divorce her.


I know shes not up to anything at the moment for sure. I also know that nothing if it happened would have been long term.

I just wonder about these odd incidents that may be one-offs. Impossible to find anything out now because they were so long ago.

A few different things to be honest but nothing concrete so it could be just me.


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## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Regret214 said:


> In my opinion the stuff from 20 years ago just let go...for now. It's okay to talk about what's happened recently within the past few years. If something comes out of that, then feel free to bring up 20 years ago.
> 
> What do YOU think happened?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback. MAybe its me but I cant see how anyone could swear on their childs life and not be telling the truth. Maybe I'm naive though.

To be honest, I dont think anything happened. Maybe just a one-off kiss or something else shes scared to tell me about but nothing else. But at the back of my mind I'm scared that shes just lied every time and there have been a few serious occasions for sex or whatever.

Like I said there is nothing on at the moment definitely. Its just these odd occasions that I think about.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

No

I'll say it again 

NO

Your GUT is not talking to you - it's screaming at you!

One thing I've learn ABOVE ALL OTHERS 

gut instinct - it's so so rarely wrong 


Go with it!


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## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Headspin said:


> No
> 
> I'll say it again
> 
> ...


Yeh I get you. But thats just it - I dont know.

When I think about it rationally I think no way but then it randomly creeps back in sometimes.

Like I said, I will admit to issues in the past. Has led to me incorrectly getting in a state/ideas in my head about other non-related things. So its difficult to trust myself sometimes if you know what I mean.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> Thanks for the feedback. MAybe its me but I cant see how anyone could swear on their childs life and not be telling the truth. Maybe I'm naive though.


Yep you're being naive massively cheats swear on whoever's life they think of - If it gets them off the hook - they'll swear on it
Every time............*every time*



saddomaddo said:


> To be honest, I dont think anything happened. Maybe just a one-off kiss


mmm this is something we betrayed spouses only understand the gravity of later on " a one off kiss" just think about that for a moment - a "one off" kiss - a kiss. Think about what that actually means - two people finding themselves close enough together emotionally and physically, at the point where they can look and touch, eye lid to eyelid and push lips together entwine tongues around each other in a a sensuous overtly sensual way that is inviting, is pleading - 

lets fvck !! 

Does that seem so harmless now?? 

imo a kiss is everything it's the gateway in - without it, there's nothing 



saddomaddo said:


> But at the back of my mind I'm scared that shes just lied every time and there have been a few serious occasions for sex or whatever.


 She has ...........sorry


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## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Headspin said:


> Yep you're being naive massively cheats swear on whoever's life they think of - If it gets them off the hook - they'll swear on it
> Every time............*every time*
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks Headspin. I take your point and assume you've had a bad experience.

But, I've seen it from the other perspective. In the past, I have been overly paranoid and that has affected our relationship too so I cant just jump in and assume its one thing.

And of course, one kiss 15 year ago. Do I now throw it all away - family life, kids etc for that?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> Thanks Headspin. I take your point and assume you've had a bad experience.
> 
> But, I've seen it from the other perspective. In the past, I have been overly paranoid and that has affected our relationship too so I cant just jump in and assume its one thing.
> 
> And of course, one kiss 15 year ago. Do I now throw it all away - family life, kids etc for that?


I'd have agreed with you years ago " my 'bad' experience" BUT it's not - it's the experience I've seen on TAM of hundreds not just my bad one 

Rely on your gut ALWAYS 



ALL WAYS!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If every cheater swore on their kids lives that there telling the truth.............................there would be no kids.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

saddomaddo said:


> Yeh I get you. But thats just it - I dont know.
> 
> When I think about it rationally I think no way but then it randomly creeps back in sometimes.
> 
> Like I said, I will admit to issues in the past. Has led to me incorrectly getting in a state/ideas in my head about other non-related things. So its difficult to trust myself sometimes if you know what I mean.


Go with your gut. It is telling you something isn't right. You have been together so long that when she says hello you know what mood she is in, right. Well you know her very well and something is off and your subconscience is picking it up.
Get 2 VAR's. One in the car, women feel safe talking there. and one in her favorite room to chat when you are not around.
That way you will know for sure and can put your mind at ease once and for all. Who knows, she might be saying how much she loves you. Wouldn't that be nice


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"MAybe its me but I cant see how anyone could swear on their childs life and not be telling the truth."

I have the opposite reaction usually.

People who go over the top in these 'reassurances' of their honesty or intentions are usually blowing smoke or hiding something.

They are trying too hard...its overdramatic and lacks a genuine feeling.

As Shakespeare wrote, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How badly do you want to know

The past is the past---and even tho your gut is telling you there were incidents---at this point you have only one shot at proof---that would be thru a POLY----do you want to dig that deeply

I will tell you this----the thoughts, will only get worse as you head into retirement---and you are with her 24/7/365---as there is no work to go to, and no kids in the house---and it just the 2 of you---WITH ALL THAT TIME TO THINK

Get it all figured out----or just let it go---if she cheated and takes it to the grave---so be it------bottom line---ITS ALL UP TO YOU, AND WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR FUTURE, AND THE FUTURE OF YOUR MGE.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be you. But it might not be.

Do you smoke cannabis on a regular basis? I only ask as cannabis can bring on paranoia. One of the side effects the legalise cannabis proponents sort of forget to mention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

saddomaddo said:


> I know shes not up to anything at the moment for sure. I also know that nothing if it happened would have been long term.


Agree on the swearing on someone's life thing. It is in the cheater script and something they do.

As for the above quotes. Believe me (and this comes from experience) you can't say the above with any certainty at all. I thought the same thing about my WW. She is a teacher and left at the same time everyday and was home at the same time every night (except for the times she had a late meeting and I knew she was there too as I talked to her co-workers.

I thought something was off but could never put a finger on it. Snooped in privacy and found she had been having an A (well several for years and the thing is that none of them lived within our state even so don't let distance fool you). She had opened separate chat accounts/ applications, hidden email accounts, and was using everything at her disposal to hide it. She would go to school and become sick during the day and rush to meet him in a hotel when he was coming through the area, sometimes in another state even, but always make sure and leave in time to be back home at the usual time (and if not she wold have a rock solid alibi to cover her lateness). Heck one time, she called to say she would be late and had her tracks covered so well, turns out the motel (Motel 6 as he was a big spender, as he had to cover his tracks as well) was right next to my work, so I left and went to get the kids from daycare and then took them to one of our favorite restaurants to eat (which turns out was right next to the Motel 6 as well), *so in reality I drove by the same motel she was inside f'ing her AP at 3 times during the course of their little escapade, twice with the kids in the van*. Don;'t tell me that you know for sure.

When I found out and exposed, she had her friends calling the APs to give them a heads up to create a story and notify their wives (she was too late as I already had taken care of that for her). Her mom even sent her money for lawyers consults and a burner phone so she could do things in private without me knowing and helping to cover her tracks.

Like I say, just because the reasonable side of you knows without a doubt, you may never truly know unless you only have 1 landline (so no hidden apps, texts, etc), no computer (so no hidden emails, chats, etc), and are with each other 24/7/365, as it only takes minutes to carry on the A's.

Bot trying to scare or jade you, just show you that reality is sometimes completely different than our perceptions.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

saddomaddo said:


> Nothing definite, just odd thing she says, strange phone nos on mobile, way she talks to man she works with etc. *Each time I've asked her and she's sworn on sons life there is nothing going on...?*


Sad,

You spent the time to register with CWI... Have internalized your feelings enough to venture a post. 

Bottom Line... Is your wife a cheater?

Years ago I was right smack where you are today. Honestly, you have already done a "soft" confront and what did you get... "On our sons life." 

Hear a truth, Cheaters Never Come Forward on Their Own... ie Cheaters Lie to the Very END!

OK, back to the issue... Is your wife a cheater?

Unless you have got some form of email, text backup, or get the random 11pm phone call from an enraged OMW, your chances are pretty slim about the past.

Forward thinking... Never again confront her without some form of proof. Never! In fact, never discuss your "issues" with her again. Just, stay alert, casually check the back door "if you will". Cheaters rarely are "one and done". If she has gotten away with it before and years have passed, it so much easier to repeat for her. She has already crossed the emotional bridge and justification is no longer needed. 

Sorry your here, good luck. BTW... I got the "Old Hand on the Holy Bible" lie from my cheating wife and this was after confronting with damning proof. Like I said...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_To be honest, I dont think anything happened. Maybe just a one-off kiss or something else shes scared to tell me about but nothing else._

This would be something, not nothing. If it actually happened.

You've got little more than gut feeling to go on now. This is not to be ignored, but it could be nothing. Forget about all the past things for now and keep your radar up. The next time one of these odd things happens follow up on it in stealth (check emails, texts, phone bills, etc.) rather than simply wondering about it. Do not specifically confront your W until or unless you have solid evidence.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> MAybe its me but I cant see how anyone could swear on their childs life and not be telling the truth.


Watch a few episodes of COPS. You'd be amazed at the people swearing on everyone and everything they love that they "didn't do it" even though the camera just watched them do everything they're accused of.

It's more about convincing themselves in that George Costanza way.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I spent years with the same nagging feelings. At the time she had convinced me I was wrong.

It came down to a dream 6 months ago that began to obsess me. I explained to her that I had to know, it was bothering me too much. She confessed all. I thought I could handle it, but was generally wrong.

Since then I've experienced more anger, resentment, and possibly dangerous inclinations that I ever thought possible.

Some days I wish I'd never asked, other times I'm glad to know the truth.

Just something I thought you might like to know. Like the others have said, the gut was right.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Maybe all the other things are in the "too vague to make a call" category, but the way she talks to a guy at work is definitely something you CAN and SHOULD bring up because it obviously makes you uncomfortable, and this is something that as a spouse, you do need to communicate honestly about BEFORE it becomes a problem.

I strongly suggest you read the book NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She is considered the leading expert in the area of infidelity, and one of the things she discusses in the book is how the workplace has become a key situation where opportunities arise for boundaries to be crossed. The slippery slope all too often becomes a problem. People don't put up the walls that they SHOULD put up. They become too chummy with people of the opposite sex. And it can turn into something it shouldn't. Even people who THINK they've got it all under control find that they begin to get out of control.

If something doesn't feel right about the way she's talking with this guy, then you DO need to trust your gut, and you do need to let her know you don't feel comfortable with how they interact. As her husband, she needs to respect your feelings about this. Hopefully, they haven't crossed the line - yet. But it could already be what we here at TAM would consider an emotional affair, and the test for that is this (you might even ask her this question, not that she would necessarily give you an honest answer): would everything they say and do be OK if they said and did it in front of you? Already you are NOT feeling OK about something in their interactions, so while you may not be sure how to "grade" the test, you're leaning toward a grade that's not a good one.

But you do need to let her know that you feel that she's acting too chummy with him and it makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings are your feelings, and they are legitimate. She needs to respect that you have these concerns and she needs to take steps to reinforce the boundaries with this guy. Some people may think this is just warning her so she can take it "underground" but I think it's possible it hasn't crossed the line yet and it's better to alert her to the fact you've picked up on their excessive chumminess so if she still has her wits about her, she can stop it in time.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> MAybe its me but I cant see how anyone could *swear on their childs life* and not be telling the truth.


I hate to mention this OP, but that quote from your wife is straight out of the "What Cheaters Say" handbook. We've seen CS's say that countless times on here.

You're unlikely to get a confession out of her at this point, so you're only semi-reliable option is to ask her to take a poly; but if it were me, given how long it's been, I wouldn't risk my marriage by giving her an ultimatum.

Work on the here an now and monitor her if you feel the need.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

My man is a great dad and loves his daughter deeply.

He swore on her life that what was true was not. Lied to my face and swore on her life. 

The reason this niggles you is your gut telling you. Trust it! 

Everyone is here due to the same reasons you are. Not just one bad experience. Many. And most started at the point you are at.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Saddomaddo, many of us are in the same boat. Our gut tells us something happened, but we have no absolute proof.

You have a few options. First, I think you should do your due diligence investigating what you can. Can you find those old phone numbers? Review your phone bills looking for numbers and for texting patterns. See if you can recover old emails. Depending on the software and the email providers there may be a way to recover old emails even if "deleted". You could put a keylogger on the family computer to see if she has any secret email accounts she is using.

You should be sharing your log ins with each other for all your accounts. Passwords should not be secret. Try her email id on other servers. For example if she is saddomaddowife at gmail, try saddomaddowife at yahoo, at aol, etc.

If you have access to her Facebook and her email you can download her entire facebook history. If you go this route be sure you totally understand how it works so that you can erase your tracks. Facebook will send emails to the email she has on file with Facebook, and so those emails may show up on her phone as well as on the computer. You would need access to her phone so you can delete the emails before she sees them, plus you would have to copy the data from her email to a private place for you, and then erase all tracks in her email. You should do some research before you do this but it is a good tool.

You could put a VAR in her car and one in a place where she makes phone calls in the house. If nothing is going on now it may be unnecessary. But you might consider provoking her in such a way she emails somebody or makes a phone call. Personally I think this is a low priority tactic right now.

Once you convince yourself nothing is going on now, and that there is no lingering evidence out there to be discovered, you are in a position to start accepting the fact that you will never know for sure. You can only make your decisions based on who she is today and whether she is an acceptable spouse today.

Having some closure and certainty would be nice but it almost certainly will never happen. The only way it can happen is if someone tells you she did have an affair. But if she didn't, there is no proving it.

If she has cheated in the past it will likely happen again. Trust your gut but don't live in the past. If something odd happens in the future you should investigate it asap.

As someone else already posted, don't say anything more to her about your suspicions of the past. It hurts the marriage and it has zero chance of getting any confession out of her.


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