# What do you do when your spouse is working in another state, but is very distant?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm sure a lot know that my Husband is working 800 miles away from me......

Hes very very distant from me though....NO meaninful conversations, No pics, no romance.....NOt emotionally available......

Leaving me unable to even have any fantasies about him....they are all about other people....yet I want them to be about my Husband.....but hes not willing to hear me, see nude pics of me or even hear that I'm so lonely......

Hes not available in any way to me


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Have you tried talking to him about this and letting him know you are lonely?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

tonyarz said:


> Have you tried talking to him about this and letting him know you are lonely?


He knows how I feel...Hes says he can't do anyhting with him 800 miles away...He does not want to hear how I feel...If I even text a short I'm lonely missing someone to watch Tv with and cuddle and laugh with....he replies that I;m not helping him...as he he is heading out to a movie theater

He is unwilling to have phone sex, sexting, joking, talking about future....getting any nice pics of me and if I do send him pics of me I get no reply back about them....Naked pics of me are a no no (that will piss him off). Conversations on text are one sided with him just saying "oh"

I sense that maybe he is maybe meeting other people.....I don't have proof, but no proof that he is not...He does not give me password for cell account.....

I do know that he possibly was going out with girls the first time he traveled for work....During last years seperation...I broke into his FB account when he had one.....a girl he talked about often messaged me...I acted like him so I could get info...all I know is they went out often to movies and dinner....she mentioned nothing about her boyfriend...my husband was constantly talking about ******* and her boyfriend back then and even tried to travel back to that state to help her Move...I said no and didn't let him go....

So I have no proof that hes not having fun with another girl and no proof that he is.

I know if he did and was caught he would say he was feelign this and that, but If I do it to pass the time while hes gone....I will be the cheater....


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I thought you were planning to move out there with him. Have those plans fallen through. Is there an end in sight to this separation? If not, you may need to consider your endgame....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he got caught cheating before, and he's not willing to be transparent with you regarding his communication. Sounds like you have some boundaries that need to be established. You need to stand up for yourself and YOUR needs. 

C


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> So he got caught cheating before, and he's not willing to be transparent with you regarding his communication. Sounds like you have some boundaries that need to be established. You need to stand up for yourself and YOUR needs.
> 
> C


Yah I agree...But divorce is not really an option right now...If I do catch him cheating, then I will take action...with either divorcing him...making him change his address and I file divorce under assistance or he agrees to a poly marriage

Even when he is home he is unwilling to talk about sex or do anything I desire....No oral sex at all and not sex very often at all....he says Qulaity not Quantity....


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow Blue. I know you have tried to talk to him, but does he know he might lose you if this continues? Or at least lose your love for him. 



blueskies30 said:


> Yah I agree...But divorce is not really an option right now...If I do catch him cheating, then I will take action...with either divorcing him...making him change his address and I file divorce under assistance or he agrees to a poly marriage
> 
> Even when he is home he is unwilling to talk about sex or do anything I desire....No oral sex at all and not sex very often at all....he says Qulaity not Quantity....


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

No he doesn't buy I know he would be angry and say do what ever the F you want
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, maybe getting angry is what is needed at this point. You aren't happy with status quo, he is. He was seeing someone while you were separated...weren't you seeing someone at one point as well? One way or another, you're gonna have to make him talk about it, to see what you can do to fix it...or to move on...which is pretty much what people ahve been telling you for months...


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

There is no end in sight and I'm pretty sure his *****ing about money is going to get worse since now we don't have assistance anymore. 

I know my inlaws would not blame me if I filed for divorce and started dating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I can relate to this. My wife and I are physically separated about 1000 miles but I will be returning home within the next week or so. We were separated for four monthes, dated other people and decided wanted to stay together. Plus I am moving overseas so I know I wouldnt have been able to try to maintain things with her because of where I am going and I know she still had a lot of distractions where she is. I have visited twice since us reconciling but both times nothing got close to sexual. I messed up the second visit, had gotten into a drunken rage about not having sex, she totally shut down. My issue is just like yours though. Initially she didnt like having sexual jokes, sexting, nude pics, etc. She's gotten a lot better gradually and she even sent me something recently without any hassle . Best thing I can tell you is just ask questions. My worries was maybe she was being loyal to one of the guys she had been dating or her ex from her past. Usually people have a problem being open to someone if they're already open to someone else. You have draw a line. I told her about the distance and that we needed to supplement it with things like dirty text messages, pics, etc. What use to make me angry before was I'd send her a pic and she make fun of something in the background or something else (mind you Im very fit and she's always complimented my manhood, but every woman Ive date has  ). I told her about that too. She summed it up as she has to gradually get back to that point. You just have to let himknow , either you two are together, all in, or you're completely out. No half-a*ing things anymore. You shouldnt have to fight the temptation of another man, he should be providing whatever is need for you to maintain and vice versa.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

needguidance said:


> I can relate to this. My wife and I are physically separated about 1000 miles but I will be returning home within the next week or so. We were separated for four monthes, dated other people and decided wanted to stay together. Plus I am moving overseas so I know I wouldnt have been able to try to maintain things with her because of where I am going and I know she still had a lot of distractions where she is. I have visited twice since us reconciling but both times nothing got close to sexual. I messed up the second visit, had gotten into a drunken rage about not having sex, she totally shut down. My issue is just like yours though. Initially she didnt like having sexual jokes, sexting, nude pics, etc. She's gotten a lot better gradually and she even sent me something recently without any hassle . Best thing I can tell you is just ask questions. My worries was maybe she was being loyal to one of the guys she had been dating or her ex from her past. Usually people have a problem being open to someone if they're already open to someone else. You have draw a line. I told her about the distance and that we needed to supplement it with things like dirty text messages, pics, etc. What use to make me angry before was I'd send her a pic and she make fun of something in the background or something else (mind you Im very fit and she's always complimented my manhood, but every woman Ive date has  ). I told her about that too. She summed it up as she has to gradually get back to that point. You just have to let himknow , either you two are together, all in, or you're completely out. No half-a*ing things anymore. You shouldnt have to fight the temptation of another man, he should be providing whatever is need for you to maintain and vice versa.


Problem is I can't fight tempation anymore. I've offered my husband many times pics of me....I would even if he wanted masterbate nad tape it on my Iphone and send it to him....

He seems to have issues regarding sex almost like its dirty.....

He keeps gettign mad nad telling me "why do I ahve to repeat myself I don't do texting or phone sex or dirty pics"

He avoided my question of I know he has to masterbate and he has used porn in the past....I said I could provide his porn for him...He got pissed.....

So I have talked to him about it and everytime it leads to a fight....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am not sure why you are still with this guy. He has proven to you over and over that he isn't remorseful. You have no transparency from him, no reassurance that he won't cheat again. He keeps treating you like dirt and you just keep taking it. WHY????


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I am not sure why you are still with this guy. He has proven to you over and over that he isn't remorseful. You have no transparency from him, no reassurance that he won't cheat again. He keeps treating you like dirt and you just keep taking it. WHY????


I need financial stuff to clear up before I can file divorce...Bankrupcy needs to be done.....I have been thinking a lot about divorce recently.......

I know there is life after him and now I know I'm considered Hot by ohter guys..Everyone else wants me, but him


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> I need financial stuff to clear up before I can file divorce...Bankrupcy needs to be done.....I have been thinking a lot about divorce recently.......
> 
> I know there is life after him and now I know I'm considered Hot by ohter guys..Everyone else wants me, but him


But then again if I file for a seperation during this time..I don't want to viewed as giving up.....while my H is out working in another state


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you consulted a lawyer?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you consulted a lawyer?


Have no money for a lawyer


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Many will do a free initial consultation. There's also legal aid available. And social assistance. You need to get the ball rolling and make this happen. It isn't going to solve itself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've been reading your threads for months and honestly I would be completely astounded if he doesn't have a slice he's working over in his new town. Or at the very least, actively looking for it.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Even when he is home he is unwilling to talk about sex or do anything I desire....No oral sex at all and not sex very often at all....he says Qulaity not Quantity....


Well, then it's real simple.... When he is home, is the sex mind blowing when you do have it? If not, then I think he is blowing something else- smoke.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How much more are you going to let him treat you this way? This is the same story, different day. It's time for YOU to make the move. Seriously. You deserve better.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Have no money for a lawyer


My friend got legal aide and is divorcing her douche bag husband...Finally.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Hes not available in any way to me


Then he's not a husband.

Get your financial house in order & file for divorce.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've been reading your threads for months and honestly I would be completely astounded if he doesn't have a slice he's working over in his new town. Or at the very least, actively looking for it.


I have looked for him on POF and have not found him yet...His last name almost spelled out his real name...so hes not too smart in that regard.....I don't think he would stay smart about hiding anything either cause I found all his stuff from November still on his email...He has now deleted it. I still have access to his email.....I know guys use email for Pics and such and POF for initimiate messages when they don't want to use thier actual phone for texts/pic messages.....hes not smart enough to change his email that is on his phone....

Hes noticed I've been distant and since last night, hes now trying to get my attention...

This morning I told him I'm tired of one sided conversations with me doing all the talking and him saying "oh"

I am on the fence right now about Divorcing....I want to get out of this state to the state he is in...If I divorce in that state my inlaws can't do anything to me...They are very controlling of my kids and me...Plus AZ weather is better for my special needs son


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

blueskies, this has been going on for so long. I think when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired then you'll finally make a move.

You know what you have to do.

Your H has made it clear you are not a priority to him. I'm guessing that when you've finally had enough, he will suddenly come around. But until then, he seems happy with you chasing him and being frustrated and upset. Maybe it gives him power. Who knows? But this constant worry over him and what he does or doesn't do does not seem the least bit healthy for you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I have looked for him on POF and have not found him yet...His last name almost spelled out his real name...so hes not too smart in that regard.....I don't think he would stay smart about hiding anything either cause I found all his stuff from November still on his email...He has now deleted it. I still have access to his email.....I know guys use email for Pics and such and POF for initimiate messages when they don't want to use thier actual phone for texts/pic messages.....hes not smart enough to change his email that is on his phone....
> 
> Hes noticed I've been distant and since last night, hes now trying to get my attention...
> 
> ...


1. You looked on POF... what about other sites?

2. How did he react to your comment that you're tired of one sided conversations?

3. Why in the world are you ALLOWING your in-laws to control YOU and YOUR kids?? YOU are a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions. YOU are the mother of YOUR children, NOT THEM. So, I fail to see how THEY can CONTROL YOU AND YOUR KIDS?!?!?!


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