# Why do I have such horrible "flashbacks"



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

My wife had an EA with a person, that I think she may have been more involved with 8 years ago. We have been through counseling and I even called a truce to the resentment we both have been feeling, so we could try and move forward together. We just got notice that our house is going to auction, which placed a time line on whether to move together or separately. I had a flashback dream the other night about this OM and it took me from that to all the things I have seen wrong in our 26 years together. Like, maybe I need to experience life for myself, our interests are so different. I have asked to sit down and learn who she is again, but she doesnt respond. I told her yesterday that I am still unsure what I really want, but am willing to move forward. She then said I need to hurry up and make up my mind as we need to move within the next 45 days. I dont know what to do. I am still confused and knowing I would have these flashbacks too. I just didnt realize they would lead to me not being so sure which way to go. I feel like I have done everything for her to get over what she didnt like about me, my spending, security and stability (like losing the house). But I dont feel she is doing any work to help resolve or even understand my issues. When I told her about the flashback, her exact reply was that she is not going to interfere with my decision or give any opinion on what i should do, simply stating that If I choose to move forward as a family that is ok, but if I choose to go on my own, she is ok with that too. Iguess im being selfish, as I want her to express to me that she really truly wants to work this out, but kind of feel like she wants me to be the one that says its over, which adds to all the confusion. I know everyone I have spoken too says I over think things too much. But im not sure I want to go through several years of these flashbacks to get over her EA. Just venting and so confused. I know if we separate, she would never come back and I have accepted the fact that I may be on my own, which I know I can deal with too. I know the grass isnt greener on the other side, but without water, grass is bound to die either direction you go.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What does she say when you ask her what she truly wants? Does she want to be married to you? Not influencing you could be that she too, wants to know what it is that you truly want. 

Why can't you both just say it? Write it on pieces of paper at the same time and hand it to the other. No influence there. Just what you each want.

I had a lot of dreams during and even after my divorce. They make you think but apart from prompting reflect that you are already doing anyway, I don't think they mean anything. You are stressed with this timeline. But I suppose you could get a lease somewhere that either could afford on one salary and put off the decision until later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Agree with Clip Clop. You both need to state what you want. So make a decision and try the writing it down on paper thing. That could help you to better communicate what you want.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Thanks guys. I will attempt to see if she would agree to writing it down and exchange the info. That might work.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> When I told her about the flashback, her exact reply was that she is not going to interfere with my decision or give any opinion on what i should do, simply stating that If I choose to move forward as a family that is ok, but if I choose to go on my own, she is ok with that too. Iguess im being selfish, as I want her to express to me that she really truly wants to work this out, but kind of feel like she wants me to be the one that says its over, which adds to all the confusion.


I understand your frustration, my husband - who had an affair - did the same thing to me at one point, he wouldn't say what he wanted, he said it was all up to me to decide. (once he came out of the fog he was much clearer about what he wanted - is your wife still involved with someone else?)

In my opinion that is not fair on you, she absolutely needs to tell you what she wants as well. It reads like this to me... if you decide to end it, then you are the one 'to blame' for the break up. And she gets to be the one who looks 'good', i.e. YOU were the one who left HER. I would think she doesn't want to end up looking like she did two bad things, i.e. she had an affair, and then she left you. Maybe that's not a correct interpretation of what she's thinking, but it's just the way I see it.

I would personally feel very uncomfortable about being with someone who can't be honest and say they want to be with me as well.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

These flashbacks---are your sub-conscious trying to tell you something bad is going on/has gone on---its also called gut--feeling

Pay attention, serious attention---its your future that is at stake ---if you ain't sure of a future with your wife---do not allow her to pressure you into something you will regret


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