# Is she cheating and do I confront her?



## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

I hate these things, but I don't have many people to talk with because our inner circle of friends and co-workers are the same working within the same company.

Let me tell you about me to get an idea on where I think I may have been the one to make a mess of all this: I am under paid in a highly competitive field. My work is very time consuming for a product that is viewd once for only a few seconds or minutes at a time. I work almost 10 hours 6-7 days a week for months at a time. I once worked in news so I have become numb to the feelings or violence, sex and anything else that leads the news broadcast. When something in the company my wife works for opened....I took it.

I am also not an extremely thoughtful or romantic man, but am always puting her and the kids first. I always seem to be worrying about finances as she has been more of a spender and me a penny pincher. We are married 6 years and our 2 kids (5 and 19 months).

A few weeks back I had a gut feeling something was not right. But I shrugged it off as work affecting me as I found out my best and close friend as well as office mate told us he was leaving our company.

My wife never really drinks, but she started to drink more when we heard a mutual friends wedding was going to open bar. She goes out and hangs out with co-workers (M & F) and other mutual friends. She does this more now that I am home until a busy few months hit my schedule. She has to deal with my odd hours when my busy schedule is in full swing.

So the other day she went to work as usual and packed her going out bag. I though nothing of it as it's what she always does so she doesn't have to wear her work clothes out. Well later that day I was doing laundry and putting our clothes away, when I noticed a piece of lingerie was missing from the rack next to her skirts. I almost threw up on the spot. I though about it and tried to rationalize any possibility known to man. But I always came back to the fact that the bar they all go to on Saturdays is in a hotel.

When she came home that night I was shocked. I though she was going out and she replied that no one wanted to go out. I was still suspicious and did something that I am regretting doing in trying to read her text messages.

I noticed her conversations only had two of her girlfriends. So I thought nothing of it over the next few days until Tuesday when she was to go out again and came home early again (this time she did not take the lingerie). i checked her phone and saw there was conversation where she really needed to drink and asked if one of our guy friends was up for it. He never replied until yesterday.

While with her family she excused her self to send some very long texts (that she later said was friends wishing a happy 4th). At this point I am sinking and starting to feel ill. She went swimming and her conversatins were erased again. We are then able to leave our kids with her parents and we head home alone. When we get home I try to put forth an effort, but can't. I tell her it's the heat from being outside all day.

So we sit and catch up on some TV shows we have been saving for sometime. Before we started I noticed another very long text heading out and the ringer heading to silent. There apparently was no response because it was the only time she had her phone before we went to bed. 

She go up this morning before I did and left her phone in our room. I noticed she text the same male friend again with "Do I turn you on? He cou'dn't get hard for me tonight. Can't wait to see you. I miss you..." At this point I just want to dress and head for work.

So here I am, a working day later, still no appetite and repeatedly beating myself up for letting this happen. I have no idea how long they have been doing anything. I do know he used to text her every once in a while and say how are doing, but nothing more. She would even tell me he said hi.

I am leaving for a conference in 3 days and am dreading my return home next Thursday. I don't know where to turn, what to do or who to bounce things off of where I went wrong. I messed up in not complimenting her enough or even being romantic enough for her. I get so focused on other things I neglect her. And when I try to be with her, she gets tired and headaches alot from her job and she usually tells me now tonight. her wardrobe has changed to things I never thought she'd wear and when I suggeseted it I was told she can't pull it off.

I am everywhere right now and don't know where I am going or what I am doing. I don't handle confrontation well and know this is gong to be one I can't avoid.

Do I confront her? Ignore it? Can't ask her friends about it or they'll protect her? I don't even know if they have done anything yet. I am sick to my stomache and still beating myself up as I type this.


Also, I am a bad typer so I apoogize for grammmar and spelling

How messed up am I or will I be?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. If she is cheating (and sorry, it sounds like she is) it is in NO WAY your fault. REPEAT THAT. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Second - can you put a VAR in your bedroom before you leave? That was my first thought.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

zdt1979 said:


> I noticed she text the same male friend again with "Do I turn you on? He cou'dn't get hard for me tonight. Can't wait to see you. I miss you..."


It's quite clear their relationship started as emotional and is now in physical stage.

Until you gather a few more evidence don't confront her. Right now all she will do is minimize or deny it. 

Which phone is she using? On some you'll be able get deleted texts through a computer.

Can you delay your conference trip?


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Start doing a little digging before you confront her. Check her facebook, if you can. Her emails, the phone records, your banking account records. Check the history on the computer she uses. Put a VAR in her car or somewhere in the house.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

During the confrence trip, hire a PI and get the hard proof that will give you the confidence to confront her in the most effective way.

My wife did the same crap and I couldn't afford a PI so I gathered the undeniable proof and had an effective confrontation.

What I mean about an effective confrontation is having the confidence that you know for a fact that the text was not a joke and my wife and her boyfriend were in fact not just friends. Once I had the smoking gun I stopped begging for the marriage and never cried in front of her. The evidence gave me the confidence to ask her to leave and show my wife that no matter what she had to say she knew the truth and I knew the truth and now was the time to make a disicion that will change the rest of her life. She choose correctly and we are working on the M without the OM effecting the dynamics of the M.

The point is once you get the smoking gun it gives you the power to confront with out second guessing what you need to do next.

And remember, never reveal your sources.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, you may have messed up a marriage but your wife choose to handle an unhealthy marriage in the most evil way.
Make no mistake the marriage problems are 50/50 both your mistakes. It is 100% your adultous wife disicion to sleep with someone other then her husband. She broke a vow and handled a problematic marriage in the worst way possible.

Clearly she made the choice in not leave an unhealthy marriage ...but stay and decieve you.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry to hear this but it will not be hard to figure out what is going on. Start checking the facebook account, messages, put a keylogger on your computer and a VAR if you can in her car and your bedroom. 

While you are gone. Where are the kids going to be? How old are the kids?

Your wife if she is having an affair made her choice it was nothing you did. Do not take the blame at all for the affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Voice activated recorders (VAR) are one of the best tools to have when it comes to getting the smoking gun. Just becareful the information can be painful, but so is reading about how your cheating wife wants it from OM (other man).

Stay strong and gather proof that will encourage your wife to come clean and give you the power to take the next step with confidence a certainty.......


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come to think about it some of those text look like smoking guns, can you get them copied?

If you deside to jump on the info you have now with some speculation go for it but do it with a tough love approach that shows her that you are willing to let her go if she continues.

Then hire the PI b/c affairs are like addictions to drugs they are hard to stop and I can bet that if you confront now you will get the lip service and crocidile tears. But then you will leave for the conference and she will go back to OM while your gone.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

zdt1979 said:


> She go up this morning before I did and left her phone in our room. I noticed she text the same male friend again with "Do I turn you on? He cou'dn't get hard for me tonight. Can't wait to see you. I miss you..." At this point I just want to dress and head for work.


I would have called her figured out where she is. Dropped the kids off at her parents house. Let them know what you know and then found out where she is and confronted the HELL out of her. How dare she do this to you. Come ON what are you waiting for a giant yellow sign saying this is the time to confront your wife about her obvious PA with some other man. 
Stop being nice, stop being her doormat, stop being a loving husband, because she is using you. Screw her and I'd have already printed off D papers to hand her and say it ends now or I sign. 
Stop playing patty cake, man up, and do this thing already. Oh and please update us I am so mad for you right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He needs WAY more evidence before he confronts. Right now she can deny, deny, deny. And she will.

OP, you also need to STOP thinking this is your fault. She'll pick up on that and use it. You need to think of her as the lying cheating ***** when you confront her, not the poor little neglected kitten.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There is about 100% chance that your wife is cheating.

You should confront her, but not yet.

Your story is not unique. Cheaters follow a script. It really is remarkable how similar cheaters act.

If you confront her now, she likely will deny everything. It will be easier for you to get an admission out of her and move forward with the reconciliation process if you have more proof. Place voice-activated recorders in the places she is likely to talk to the other man on the telephone when you are not araound. The car, the bedroom, and the bathroom are popular locations.

If you have the means, hire a private investigator.

Put a keylogger on the computer she uses.

Give it a week. You should have proof. Once you have proof, then you confront.

You also have to break up the affair. Either before or after confronting, expose the other man to his wife/girlfriend and to his family and close friends. This helps to end the affair because the people you expose to will put pressure on him.

If your wife does not agree to end the affair immediately upon being confronted, expose to your and her family and friends.

If your wife does agree to end the affair immediately, she will have to cut all contact of any kind with the other man and give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts. She will have to tell you the truth about the affair, how long it lasted, why it started, and any other details you want. If you don't feel you are getting the truth, you can ask her to take a polygraph. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband, her family, and her marriage, which mean more than anything in the world to her, and that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.

You are the injured party, she should be apologizing to you and begging you to stay in the marriage, not the other way around. If your wife refuses to meet your

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, you file for divorce. Divorce is a long process and filing is sometimes necessary for the cheater to realize what they will be losing and return to the marriage.

All of this should be customized based on how your situation plays out.

Right now, you are only in the evidence-gathering phase, next will come confrontation and exposure.

In the meantime, try to project a confident happy image, do not let your wife know you suspect anything, do not be needy, whiny, etc.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> There is about 100% chance that your wife is cheating.
> 
> You should confront her, but not yet.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Will - You should link to this post and put it in your sig - "What to do when your spouse is a cheater"


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

That one text message is a smoking gun. lets get logical here. A) it means one that she has sex with this person. (no one would be boosting the ego of some guy with this type of message if she wasn't plannig on riding him like a sex crazed maniac. b) It tells you that the OM knows about you and she has been with him multiple times.
c) it shows total lack of respect for your marriage, vows, and everything he stands for.

Just because she can deny doesn't mean you have to believe her. Just because there isn't a damn video doesn't mean that this one message isn't a smoking gun. The only way to find out for sure (which I know from that message alone is that she saw him that night.) Hell he could have just followed her that night and had polaroids. You don't always have to have gps navs, vars, email, and all this to call them on their Bull. 
Let them deny, she will and let her know you don't believe a single word she says. 180, NMMNG and at this leve she is probably brazen enough be hiding stuff in plain freakin sight.
Look at your online phone bill and see who she is calling. 
If my wife had sent another man a text there would be polygraphs, d papers , and I would have snatched the phone away from her and started texting her male contacts until you found the ****. She will probably deny deny deny but lets see he deny when you text a guy and say hey you wanna get together tonight I got something for you ? from her phone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He needs to have incontrovertible PROOF, and he also needs to know the extent of it. Is it just this one guy, or are there more? how long have they been at it? Is it purely physical, or emotional as well? Who IS this other guy? Is he married? Etc etc etc etc


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

On your computer at home. Go to recently changed. Look for pictures and videos. Sorry the hard truth is she probably swapping pics. This could close the lid on things now.

If she has an iphone or a droid is she backing up to the computer? Also check history webpages. She may have it set to clear history when logging out. Change it if that is the case. Look for visits to yahoo, gmail and so forth. My wife had 3 email accounts I did not know about

It all sounds like she is having an affair. It also sounds like you may know who it is. Is he married?

When you do expose and not just to your wife go big sunlight kills affairs


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your children's mother is a despicable, lowlife POS, for telling her lover that you couldn't perform physically, she doesn't know that she is the cause of that, and that possibly when with her, you really wanted to puke

She has no right to mock you in front of her lover---there are countless wives, who carry on A's, none of them are right, but at least most do not rip the innocent, loving H.

Yes you may have caused marital problems, and the mge., may be boring, but you did not cheat

What she should have done, is force you to look at yourself----as to the work hours, is she enjoying the fruits of your hours---maybe she has a complaint coming, but once again, that is for a discussion tween the 2 of you

As to her duffel bag, and clothes----no one who works in an air conditioned office takes a change of clothes, to drink with co-workers---she is using that bag, for whatever she puts on for her lover, as/while they have sex.

Last thing---there is no privacy in a mge---so do not worry about spying

Get VAR,s and GPS, get them in place in car and house before you leave

We can talk about confrontation later---no matter what, confrontation can ONLY BE FACE TO FACE, with you having deadly accurate evidence.

Try to survive---your kids need you, even if their mother doesn't


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, I think most don't mock the betrayed H and often the furthest thing from there mind is the reality of a husband ,kids, and bills. Just thinking about the H just ruins the fantasy. In your case, it is clear that the lack of respect is very high.
You will have no problem getting proof if you choose to do it your self. Whats nice about the PI is emotions don't get in the way while the evidence is compiling. The evidence is given to you in a file and then the pain starts to grow after the meeting with the PI.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

zdt1979 said:


> He cou'dn't get hard for me tonight.


WHO couldn't get hard for her? Was that a reflection of what happened, or not?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OP never mentioned it...I was thinking it was all her BS she was feeding her boyfriend.

Even if it was the case this will be a quick and easy case with regaurd to getting some unanswered question. There is a huge degree of disrespect and I mean his WW is most likely walking around thinking she will never get caught.

Little does she know that zdt1979 has a new allie and the allie is TAM/CWI.

She might be all over that doccool site but TAM is on the side of good and our battle plan is to help guys like z- get the truth and move on with it.

If I'm not mistaken..... OP was distruaght about the resent event and was not into doing his chick and I think his chick took that as ED and passed it on to the OM.

If z- plays his cards right his WW won't see the sh!t storm heading her way.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

He needs more proof? Why? Unless he wants it for legal reasons (most places it doesn't matter if she is cheating or not) he has enough to dump that slag right on the spot. 

Personally i would dump her if she told someone something like this:



> "Do I turn you on? He cou'dn't get hard for me tonight. Can't wait to see you. I miss you..."


Affair or no affair, true or false... Shows a level of disrespect of the highest magnitude for the guy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> During the confrence trip, hire a PI and get the hard proof that will give you the confidence to confront her in the most effective way.
> 
> My wife did the same crap and I couldn't afford a PI so I gathered the undeniable proof and had an effective confrontation.


Yep. Get a PI or go 007 on her. You haven't confronted, so I guess you realize you pretty much need indisputable proof that cannot be denied, if you want to reconcile. However, even with indisputable proof, half WWs out there will still deny that's them in the video.

Your trip is the opportunity to blow up the affair, the marriage, or both. PI. If that's not possible, figure out a way to do it. If you really can't, check for a "spy shop" in your area where you can pick up a hidden camera for your bedroom. If she can dump the kids off, they'll probably make a try for your bed while you're gone.

If adultery is a deal killer, you can just skip the investigation and go straight to divorce, unless you are able to use adultery as grounds, which can affect custody, alimony, and CS in certain states.

How old are y'all? 

Even if you dump your WW, you need to get a life. Those hours only make sense if you are an owner/entrepreneur. Even hunter gatherers don't work that much.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Monroe said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself here.
> 
> Start doing a little digging before you confront her. Check her facebook, if you can. Her emails, the phone records, your banking account records. Check the history on the computer she uses. Put a VAR in her car or somewhere in the house.


Hang the VAR to the bottom of her car seat with heavy velcro. Try it out a couple of times in her car before you leave. You can use cheap software to clean up the racket from the road/radio/AC on the sound file if necessary. It's rarely necessary. Pick up the VAR at Best Buy or even Walmart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The key word to all of this is blowing up the affair. Confronting now is just blowing up a friendship b/c you are a controling husband who won't let his wife have friends.

Get the proof, expose to others and protect your self from 1) your chick from rewriting history. 2) blameshifting. 3) gaslighting you.

If these terms are all foriegn to you then by all means wait.....learn and educate your self about infidelity then confront.


This may not be an exit affair or it may be, but its important to know....knowing this will give you a better approach when you confront. Hell if its a deal breaker for you then get the proof that will validate, confirm a divorce.

If you want to work it out then get the proof that shows both of you that there is a huge problem and for it to be fixed there has to be N/C with OM.

There is just so much that you need to know, the ammunition that you must have to have an effective confrontation.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He needs to have incontrovertible PROOF, and he also needs to know the extent of it. Is it just this one guy, or are there more? how long have they been at it? Is it purely physical, or emotional as well? Who IS this other guy? Is he married? Etc etc etc etc


That message is enough. OP knows now. He was in denial before, but now he knows from the responses. There's no way to be gaslit about that text, unless he allows it. He only needs more proof to go to court on an adultery filing or if he wants to stay with his W. 

If he wants to stay with her, then he does need pix and video, unless he can go total hardass on her, which seems like a stretch.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Having more proof will prevent him from getting gaslighted. IMHO if OP confronted right now the A would continue.

I think there is a shock value that both the wayward and the betrayed need to have to get the best out of a confrontation.
After that, then comes the exposure and consequences. So the proof validates the next step ....exposure and consequences.

Think about it, what kind of consequences does OP have to offer if the text was all a "joke" and they are just "friends"?

If I was OP MIL I would want proof before he starts accusing my daughter an adultor.

If I was OP boss and he accused His WW and a coworker sleeping around on company time I would want proof.

If I was OP son and he asked mommy to leave I would want to know why.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Incontrovertible proof does control the battlespace. No question.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Incontrovertible proof does control the battlespace. No question.


Ah! that's really machiavellian of you... 



> Think about it, what kind of consequences does OP have to offer if the text was all a "joke" and they are just "friends"?


There is no such thing as "just friends" when we are dealing with sexually active men and women with a modicum of sexual appeal. I can honestly say half of the wronged spouses here would not be here if they understood this and went through the trouble of going into territorial mode like their instincts tells them too. 

It doesn't matter one bit what she has to say about the message. This is about the guy and his pride AS A MAN. You forget that and you'll just be a piece of toilet paper. 

There is no such thing as too much jealousy when you see someone sniffing around your partner. If your partner has a problem with it, then you must really go to the question:

"Why do you care if i act to push this guy/girl away from you?"

And your partner better come up with a mighty convincing answer or you may need to send him/her out the door. And no great loss there, for obvious reasons.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Even better way to say it---do you have a problem with me protecting/fighting for the mge., and the future peace of mind of our children.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Even better way to say it---do you have a problem with me protecting/fighting for the mge., and the future peace of mind of our children.


Meh, that's a tad too sweetie for me to use if i'm enraged...


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

So many honest opinions along with some questions.

Yes I have been a workaholic. That is my fault, but it has gotten better since we had our kids.

I am 32 and she is 32. The reason for the bag is she works outdoors and "glistens", so she has the change of clothes for that reason.

Tonight she let he phone in the open and she received at least two texts from him as as I saw his name come up both times when she was out of the room. Random phone call happened, but I don't know who it was...she left it ring.

He is not married and has no girlfriend.

Worst part is I have been editing a video/photo montage in my free time at work for our anniversary in October. Have started to get a little sentimental about things...even spending extra time with the kids tonight.

So I am sleeping on several suggestions tonight on what approach to take. I have a friend who is a lawyer and I will be getting his opinion tomorrow. He knows my wife as well so I am wondering what he will say.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Random phone call happened, but I don't know who it was...she left it ring.


Is that usual?


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

No. She never receives calls at night unless it's her mom or me....and we were both there.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she using a smart phone?


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

No smart phone


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When you do find hard evidence, are you willing to give her another chance or is it a deal breaker for you?

Is your lawyer friend closer to you or her? You don't want word getting around to her.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Weird action. If a night call is unusual and only you and your mother in law do it, she should act surprised and answer it. Just saying...


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

My lawyer friend is closer to me than her.

Will I give her another chance or is it a deal breaker....I want it to be another chance. But I am envisioning a deal breaker


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Of the people that she goes out with, are any of them your friend as well? Would they give you heads up if they knew something was going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

They are more her friends and co-workers. I would get no heads up from them.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Of the people that she goes out with, are any of them your friend as well? Would they give you heads up if they knew something was going on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


zdt1979 try this... Many people will not tell a husband that the wife is cheating on them on their own free will (who wants to do that?). But many people will admit to have seen something when questioned. 

But be sure to do it with someone who will not be on the phone with your wife 5 min later.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Any change in your sex life? Any difference on the emotional side?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ZDT,

Talk to your lawyer friend.

I feel you have enough to confront your wife but that is just my opinion.

Here is the ice breaker "Honey, you know I couldn't get it up the other night, it was because I am heartbroken about your emotional and physical affair with A*S H*LE"

Tell her that you have all her texts going back for a few months and she does not need to lie anymore.

Then tell her your attoney friend is drawing up all the D paperworkl.

That is how you start that conversation.

A little bluffing will go a long way.

Good Luck Buddy it is time to turn into AlphaMan.

And if it is your MIL watching the kids have that conversation right in front of her. It will be very enlightening.


HM64


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ZDT,
I have read most of your post,and you strike me as the average decent man.
Being a workaholic is not a disease,neither is it a good reason for one's wife to leave her family and play the harlot.
Work is an HONOURABLE thing. You WORK to provide for your wife and family and secure your kid's future. That in itself is very admirable ina time like this.
*STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.*
So ok,you are not " romantic",you can fix that.
You haven't taken enough time with the kids ,you can fix that.
But how do you fix the damage she is doing to your psyche and your family that you are working so hard for?
See?


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Your situation sounds similar to my own, although I'm a bit older with more miles in our marriage. 
The only advice I can offer is this - confront her with what you know. In my case I made a mistake not to confront my wife with what I knew. Instead I waited and watched and hoped that it would end. It didn't until I really pushed it and even then it took a number of months.
Women are smart and when they want something they take it. If you agree to ABC they still have room for XYZ. You have to be crystal clear on everything or they will run rings round you.

Good Luck.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Get a VAR on her car and put a key logger on her computer and gather maximum evidence else she will downplay the A and make you paranoid.

Dont blame yourself for her A, it was her choice knowing that it can hurt you or it can destroy her marriage still she persuded means she dont respect you or the marriage.

Working harder for feeding the needs of family and children is not a mistake, its a honorable thing. If she cant understand that means she dont deserve you. she deserve some dutch bag


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay so let me get this straight she doesn't have a smartphone so she can only call or text. i seriously doubt that she is just using her phone to perpetuate her affair. does she have a pc or laptop. i bet thats where you re going to find the evidence you are ooking for since simple cell phones are so limited in what they can do. computers are a million times easier that the old style cell phones. check her email and all that i can help you a lot if you need advice on snooping computers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You have not said about your feelings, health.

I know you will feel something in your stomach. You will be furious, not able to sleep and eat properly.

Stay.
For yourself and Kids.

You will emerge out of this. Stay.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

It will be too early for any joint counseling right now, but ask your lawyer friend if he can recommend a good counselor for a few sessions of individual therapy. You have been rejected and that is a horrible thing to experience and live with.

You may want to get yourself checked for STDs. 

The advice you received about gathering and preserving hard evidence prior to confrontation is 100% correct.

Don't turn to drinking.

Think about getting a couple of extra credit cards just in case things get even worse and you need access to funds.

Keep your phone with you and make sure it has easy access to recording. Some spouses will try and set someone up to get a restraining order if they think they want to move on. 

Don't expect a speedy or easy time. 



Right now, your wife does not respect you. That can take a long time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It sounds like she wants to get caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have had some good advice. The var in the car or bedroom will be the best way to go. I am sure you will have a tough weekend.

Her phone even if not a smart phone probably has texts and pictures stored. I picked it up at 4 in the morning and took it for a walk while she was a sleep.


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> It sounds like she wants to get caught.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believe me...that was what I thought as well. Just thought I might have been over analyzing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zdt1979 (Jul 5, 2012)

So my lawyer friend said he has my back doing what needs to be done while I am gone. He told me to just go to the conference let him do what he does and we will take care of things when I get back. He said not to contact OM and tell him I think I may know what's going on (really want to do this...read on to see why) or even my wife right now. Put on the "happy face" until I get back.

Either he knows what he's doing (especially since he is a divorce lawyer) or he's completely off his rocker and trying to lead me down the wrong path.

I spent alot of time with my kids today leaving work early and watched them thinking she's not just cheating and hurting me.

Feeling a tad better today spending time with my kids and venting on here. If you all will indulge me one more time on another vent I have left some information out on the past between me and the OM.

My wife and I have worked for the same company for years. We met there in 1997 working in the same department, but didn't start dating until 2002 then married in 2006. We now work on different complexes our company owns and don't really see each other during the work day. We even work opposite shifts every now and then. Anyway, the OM had worked in our company in another department in 1995. I have known him since '95 and to be honest never liked the player. I swear he has to have it in for me or something.

During the summer months our company gets an influx of part-time employees. I was one of them in '95. (I have moved into the full-time position stated earlier) I was 15 and had my eye on this girl. Well wouldn't you know it after talking to her and spending time as only 15 years olds can, the OM (who was 16 at the time) swooped in and swooned her away from me. 

What makes it better is that it happened again in '98. Different girl. We would hang out after work talking as only 18 year olds can, but more mature-like. He joined us one day and bam....she has no time for me and all the time in the world for him.

Now 12 years later, it's happening all over again. Pretty messed up huh? I haven't talked to or seen him since 2001 when he left our company. I thought he had left the area, but I guess I was wrong. Never kept contact with him or even bothered to keep his number when he gave it to me.

I don't want to lead on that I am no longer hurting. Did regain some of my appetite, but for a brief time today I had a chuckle. My heart still aches and did have a can next to me thinking lunch might make a reappearance.

And I wish I could say this was made up (and I hope people on here don't think I would do that). I just think it's a funny world and sometimes no matter how bad you feel or hurt you just have to chuckle to stay somewhat sane.

Jimmy V - laugh, think, cry...that's a heck of a day. And I did that. Even though the times are tough ahead...I had a heck of a day today.

Thanks for listening and for all the advice so far.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Aside from leaving it to your lawyer friend, before you head out to the conference place a couple of voice activated recorders inside your home. Such as one in the bedroom, living room, and even your wife's car. You can buy these from wal mart, radio shack, wal mart etc. for about $30 each. VARs are by far the best money spent in trying to confirm or rule out an affair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So this POS seems to hold a grudge or like to compete with you. Did you got a better shift or "his" position or something? Did you ever asked him why?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If your atty. friend--IS your friend, and he says cool it---then do so----he is giving you needed advise, in the event you will end up in a courtroom, so do what he says

As to this guy, who is stealing your girlfriends from you---the 1st 2 you can do nothing about---but if he is messing with your family, and ruining the future lives of your kids---you can sue him for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---he may have gotten some of your girls, way back when, now you can get some of his money----that kind of helps a little bit----just don't tip your wife off---so she goes deeply underground, that gets you nothing, but even more misery.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Bro,
This guy , [ OM ]has something against you.
Some guys are just wired like that. Like Hyenas,all they can do is steal from another man.
Disruptive , pernicious and extremely selfish.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ZDT,

I hope your trip is going well.

And I am glad you have a good friend that has your back.

I am sure quite soon all the pieces will fall into place.

Be patient until then.

HM64


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

trust your lawyer friend, especially if he isn't a friend of your wifes. If the lawyer friend comes back with negitive results then suspect him, but for now go with it until you get back from the confrence.

She cheating and if the lawyer friend can't get the smoking gun now then something is up. 

I'm a firm believer in independent studies, but if the lawyer friend is doing a freebie then give it a chance.

So, most of us believe she's cheating and if the lawyer friend comes up with nothing then he is either blackmailing your wife for his own benifit or he is taking your money (if you are paying him).

I have to believe that your friend is a good person and will help, what I don't understand is why you doubt him?


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