# Is an abuser always an abuser?



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

My husband is very verbally abusive and demeaning. It comes an goes, so it's not all the time.

I sometimes blame myself for his outbursts. I always wonder if that is just his character, or if it's our incompatibility. So, what do you all think? Is an abuser just an abuser? In other words, they would abuse anyone because it IS their character?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, my ex after 19 years has worsened his behavior by a tenfold. I thank God everyday I got out of there when I did.

If I were you, I'd find an exit plan and fast.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Oh, Honey, you should be very cautious with this one. If he will go to counselling, that might help, but he has to WANT to change. All too often, that is NOT the case with this type of personality. My concern is that verbal abuse turns to physical abuse too frequently. Choosing to leave a marriage is a very difficult decision to make, but you have to consider your own health, well-being, and happiness. 

Please take good care, and be safe,
Mattsmom


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, they would abuse anyone. That's what they learned as far as how to treat people, and that's what they will do no matter who they are in a relationship with. They'd have to do some serious work to change, and most abusers wouldn't even consider that their behavior is wrong.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You allow an abuser to abuse you, don't expect him to change, stand up for yourself. This includes dumping him. I am willing to bet there are some people he will not cross the line with.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You allow an abuser to abuse you, don't expect him to change, stand up for yourself. This includes dumping him. I am willing to bet there are some people he will not cross the line with.


Nailed it. I read a thread asking the same question about cheaters. 
Abuse, cheating, bad treatment of any kind, if you don't stand up for yourself and let them see you won't tolerate it, they'll do it to you again and again and again. They may or may not do it to someone else. Depending if that someone else is tougher and puts them in their place from the beginning, or not. 
It's all about refusing to take it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not responsible for his being abusive to you.

And of course it's not all the time. It's called the "cycle of abuse". Look it up.

They will treat you good for a bit. Then when they sense you are feeing ok and safe, then they become abusive again. Then they apologize and become nice for a bit. And the cycle goes on.

Generally over they the abuse escalates. Verbal abuse turns to him throwing and hitting things. After he gets away with that for a while he starts hitting you. It's a constant pushing of the boundaries.

An abuser uses the abuse as a way to control you; to keep themselves in a position of power; to make themselves feel better.

I suggest that you find a counselor who deals in verbal/emotional abuse. Get some help. There is a slim chance your husband will change. But he will not until you let him know that you are not putting up with his abuse and he will lose you if he does not change.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

I have found the book 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' by Beverley Engel to be a useful read. It explains the different types of abuser and the likelihood of resolving the situation.


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