# What do you do when your ex comes back?



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

I've posted multiple times about my situation here, going back to the day after the first bombs really fell in May. The short version is that my ex is quite likely a narcissist (in word and deed, and after we separated she more or less read to me from the DSM on NPD, right down to the root cause). She had at least an emotional affair once I was exhausted as a supply, and she chose to leave and end the relationship instead of try at all. I did not know then whether I would be capable of forgiving her, and I said only that I was willing to try to honor my vows and commitment. She was not.

Now, in hindsight, she was not a good partner. She was (is) immature and selfish, and was during the marriage. It was not anything I couldn't handle, though whether I should have or not is another story. She not only thrived on the attention and affirmation of others, her insecurities made it an addiction. (Again, a hallmark of narcissism.) I am not sure I have told even the entire aggregate of my audience, in person or online, the things she said and did once she made it her mission to end the relationship. Aside from what she did prior to leaving, she did everything she could to make sure I knew it was over. What I said last night was that she took her little spaceship to a safe distance and nuked it from orbit. It's dead. It ain't coming back.

I was actually fairly quick to recover. I did not know what to expect, as while I was married before (to an addict who struggled with depression and was badly hurting when she left), it was not like this when we split. I had never been in a relationship where the partner made every effort to end the relationship and not one to save or nurture it. She succeeded in that regard. It in fact has been that way for months, and while I and others did everything we could at the time to try to encourage her to seek therapy and counseling while there was a chance she did not listen. She was so sure.

We have two young children that we share physical custody of, so there is no opportunity for avoidance. I have told her many times that I did not (and do not) want to be friends. She had mentioned on occasion that she was lonely and not doing very well. In September, her father died unexpectedly (motorcycle accident). This week, we are putting her dog down (a dog that was essentially mine for almost nine years). She is and has been a mess, and I had noticed over the past month or so that she would try to talk to me for no real reason. It had been getting worse (or more obvious), and last night she asked to speak to me in person. Coincidentally, this past week (four days ago) I received final documentation from the lawyer for us to sign to get the final decree. We completed the separation agreement this past summer and I've already paid the settlement.

I believe she asked four times in four different ways to try again, told me that she had made the biggest mistake of her life, she's still in love with me, and a lot of things like that. I did not know exactly what to expect, though I thought it could be something like this. I was relatively calm, and mostly listened. I did say that I did not have any interest in trying to reconcile as the time to try to save the patient is when they're still alive, not months after they're dead and buried. To be honest, there are many reasons - I do not trust her, which would be very difficult to recover from. Even if I did, it would be hard to ascribe her affair to a moment of weakness since it carried on for quite some time. Even if it hadn't, her indifference to our marriage was indicative of at best a misunderstanding of the commitment and at worst a deliberate subversion. And aside from all of that, I am reminded of the parable of the scorpion and the frog - it is simply her nature to return, it should be expected, and it should also be fully expected that she would do it again. She in fact said this multiple times over the course of the termination - that it was fruitless to pursue any help because it would not matter and the outcome would end up being the same regardless.

I guess I thought I would be more willing to respond, but what little I did say was causing obvious pain and suffering, and I was not comfortable doing that. Whether she deserves that or not is another matter, though when I was in pain more I would have said that she would have deserved every second of it. Last night, I did not feel good about her pain. It was not long ago when people would say that they felt bad for me that I would say they should feel bad for the children and for her, as those are the ones who really lost in the game. I ultimately feel a bit off today, as some old wounds have been reopened (I have been cursed with an excellent memory), but I am also surprised that I was as subdued as I was.

So what did you do? What do you do? I'm just curious as to how others handled it, as I know many of us here have been in the situation. Hell, it isn't even my first time being in this situation.


----------



## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Since she is a narcissist, you would be doing her a favour in dropping her into the deep-sea socially. She needs at least one person to permanently severe a relationship with her for her to learn that she can't act like a douche and expect people to want to stay around her.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Life didn’t work out the way she planned so she’s going to keep trying to reel you back in — right up to the point that she finds your replacement. Stop talking to her about anything that doesn’t involve your children. It doesn’t benefit you.


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Life didn’t work out the way she planned so she’s going to keep trying to reel you back in — right up to the point that she finds your replacement. Stop talking to her about anything that doesn’t involve your children. It doesn’t benefit you.


I know you've said that before, and while I understand your perspective that is also essentially what I'm doing. As I said, we have two young children, and we are co-parenting. There are other things, like coordinating birthday parties for the kids (one of which is this coming weekend). I have not had a request to talk like this, and I was not sure what it was about (though I had a suspicion, and it was correct).

Isn't it ultimately beneficial to make it clear that the relationship is indeed over? One of the things she said last night was that she's already gone through a "replacement" and, surprise, it wasn't all she thought it would be. 


UAArchangel said:


> Since she is a narcissist, you would be doing her a favour in dropping her into the deep-sea socially. She needs at least one person to permanently severe a relationship with her for her to learn that she can't act like a douche and expect people to want to stay around her.


I suspect I'm not the first, as the people I know she is hanging out with were not close friends before. She has two "friends," both ten years younger and single, because the people that were her friends did not support her decisions and do not have the time to hang out with her as they have their own families and adult responsibilities. While we don't talk about it, I have also gathered via circumstance that her relationship with her family has been strained as well.


----------



## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Stay strong OP. You have clarity about who she is, do not let her convince you otherwise.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her request to talk about non-child related stuff should be answered with “no”. She has nothing otherwise to say that is of benefit to you. It just encourages her to keep trying because you’re engaging with her. You don’t need that. It will continue until she finds a permanent replacement so the sooner you shut her down the better.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tell her you don't want to have interactions with her outside of to do with the children because you are going to be dating and don't want to alienate other women.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just can't understand why you would even entertain any ideas of making small or big talk to her? Why don't you have one of those apps that divorce parents use for management of their children's co-parenting. That should be the end of your interactions with her.

What is it that you'd think talking to her will achieve? Are you crazy and stupid enough to contemplate letting her talk you into anything again with her? Dude, don't even try to use the excuse of how painful her suffering might be for you to be listening. That should be none of your concerns.


----------



## redHairs (6 mo ago)

FS8 said:


> So what did you do? What do you do? I'm just curious as to how others handled it, as I know many of us here have been in the situation. Hell, it isn't even my first time being in this situation.


Had this with my first BF. It were not healthy relationships. He was alcohol addicted. We broke up several times, mostly by his initiative. As far as I remember, he asked broke up 4 times and I twice. And second time were our last. After final broke up, he tried to return everything several times again, but I suggested him to stay friends. We still have friendship. But we're in the different countries now. My husband usually a bit jealous (not much, but don't like when somebody trying to date with me, etc. As we agreed, I always tell about things like this), but about my first BF, he knew, and he is OK about it - fact that we're still chatting. I think, he is not considering his as threat, because my first BF still have issues with alcohol, but not as big as it were in the past.
I not fully understand, why people want to cut any relations with ex. You have an emotional connection, and were really close to each other. Universe is empty dead place, how can we drop such people? But my husband said, if we brake up, he will ban me and never speak with me again. As far as I know he is not communicating with his ex.
Also, my second BF (were between my first and husband) don't want to interact  And I lost his contact. But it were probably my most healthy relationships. I could like to ask his advises, but he thins like OP.
Well, I understand if it were mistake, and person were not skilled enough to figure out is their ex kinda of terrible person, if it were rape/rape attempt, etc. But overall, I don't understand. You loved this person, they're an important part of your personal history and memories, why to to sever all contacts?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you have birthday parties for your kids together?
You do a party. She does her own party. This also allows your kids to fully understand you are NOT together anymore! It shows your wife you are building a life separate from her selfish lifestyle.

Anything she wants you to join in on -
Simply answer NO.
Anything she asks for - answer NO

She will ask and ask - after all she is a narcissist. Anything she corresponds about will always be about you fulfilling HER needs - never yours! 

Get this through your head - she will continue using you as long as you communicate with her because it’s all about HER!

There isn’t one reason to chat with her about anything expect extreme situations about your kids! Not the dog. Not her Dad.
When she goes there - simply answer “you will handle this”.

That is it! Seriously that is all.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> Had this with my first BF. It were not healthy relationships. He was alcohol addicted. We broke up several times, mostly by his initiative. As far as I remember, he asked broke up 4 times and I twice. And second time were our last. After final broke up, he tried to return everything several times again, but I suggested him to stay friends. We still have friendship. But we're in the different countries now. My husband usually a bit jealous (not much, but don't like when somebody trying to date with me, etc. As we agreed, I always tell about things like this), but about my first BF, he knew, and he is OK about it - fact that we're still chatting. I think, he is not considering his as threat, because my first BF still have issues with alcohol, but not as big as it were in the past.
> I not fully understand, why people want to cut any relations with ex. You have an emotional connection, and were really close to each other. Universe is empty dead place, how can we drop such people? But my husband said, if we brake up, he will ban me and never speak with me again. As far as I know he is not communicating with his ex.
> Also, my second BF (were between my first and husband) don't want to interact  And I lost his contact. But it were probably my most healthy relationships. I could like to ask his advises, but he thins like OP.
> Well, I understand if it were mistake, and person were not skilled enough to figure out is their ex kinda of terrible person, if it were rape/rape attempt, etc. But overall, I don't understand. You loved this person, they're an important part of your personal history and memories, why to to sever all contacts?


I think if you ever had any kind of genuine bond besides just sexual attraction, it is crazy to completely throw somebody away. But it all just depends on the person and their tolerance and their relationships in the present day. But if you have someone who's trying to push their way back into your life and you don't want that then you have to be strong enough to put up the wall and the boundary.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think if you ever had any kind of genuine bond besides just sexual attraction, it is crazy to completely throw somebody away. But it all just depends on the person and their tolerance and their relationships in the present day. But if you have someone who's trying to push their way back into your life and you don't want that then you have to be strong enough to put up the wall and the boundary.


Not every bond is a healthy bond. 'Genious' or not.
And 'crazy' is also a very dangerous and discriminating word you are using in this context.
Setting boundaries has nothing to do with being crazy. Saying 'I don't want to have contact' is setting boundaries.

But narcissists don't like boundaries and claim people who set them are the crazy/irrational ones and this is why nsrcissists don't respect other peoples boundaries and try to cross them.
That is toxic behavior.

It is healthy to understand that someone don't want to be close to someone else for whatever reason. It is not an outstandings persons decision weather or not this is OK.
If you feel negatively triggert by him setting boundaries, it has something to do with you maybe being scared of boundaries. Some people (ex partner?) max have set you some boundaries (cut you off) most likely and it did hurt you. Now you run around claiming this is crazy...?

The OP said his ex was 'narcissistic'. There is no need to try to make him feel insecure about his decision.

But narcissist do feed on peoples insecurity.

*OP, you should** not* show her your insecurity.
Stop wrapping your head around what she wants or not. This is what she wants and this is why she keeps bothering you.

Don't try to understand her emotionally. Rather learn and accept that people have different personalities and needs and that her needs are not reflecting soemthing that is inside of you. So *understanding her only serves her needs and not yours.*
She lives in her own world. That's all.
It is her world and not yours. Stop bothering.

Maybe read about how narcissists behave after break ups. But read it not to understand her, but to just to have an interessting read.
What she does will apply to many people around you through out your life.
It is a nice lesson you can learn about some humans behavior. Just don't make anyrhing you do about her.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

elliblue said:


> Not every bond is a healthy bond. 'Genious' or not.
> And 'crazy' is also a very dangerous and discriminating word you are using in this context.
> Setting boundaries has nothing to do with being crazy. Saying 'I don't want to have contact' is setting boundaries.
> 
> ...


Nope. I'm afraid you got all the parts about me completely wrong so I have to assume those are about you.


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

I was not asking this question because I was entertaining taking her back. I was not and am not for all of the reasons I listed in the original post, the most critical of which being that narcissists cannot and do not change so EVEN IF the rest of the events hadn't happened it STILL wouldn't matter. That being said, I was asking because I am fairly sure many people here have been betrayed by a spouse who tried to come back and I was curious as to how they responded. I believe in karma. I believe in it so much that the name of my business is a play on Psalm 31, which for those unfamiliar is essentially David saying "there had better be justice somewhere." I was a little surprised that I did not want to bring up more of the past (her words and deeds), though I guess that is because it really isn't relevant at this point. I have (finally) set boundaries and am sticking to them. 

As for the aspects of co-parenting that some may disagree with, that of course is your prerogative, but I will do what it is that I feel is right to do, and I may or may not try things out of uncertainty. I have already done this, in point of fact, and decided that I won't do it again (specifically in relation to birthdays and holidays). I believe it is ultimately in my interest (and that of my children) for their mother to be healthy and stable and for their parents to have an amenable or cordial relationship. That does not mean they would be confused about our status.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Only respond if it has to do with the kids. Narcissists *always* come back. Just stay no contact/no responses, unless it has to deal with the kids. If she uses the kids as an excuse to keep you engaged, you may have to figure something different out. But, there's no need to talk with her, because she'll only set you back. Just when you think you're strong enough to have a 'normal' conversation with a narcissist, they end up hurting you all over again. 😔


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

FS8 said:


> was not asking this question because I was entertaining taking her back.


Nor I think that anyone was implying that. What people is telling you is that the bottom line is to stop having interactions with her for your own good.

If she really is a narcissist as you say she is, then if you continue interacting with her, eventually, she'll be stabbing you in the back somehow to get at you. That's what real narcissist do. You need to get that through your head. 

If the experience you had with her during the marriage hasn't teach you what she's capable of, then don't blame anyone but yourself when you're in some sort of trouble with her down the road. Live and learn.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You know that you don’t need to give her your ear for her to talk into? 

And you’re not responsible for the fact she has no friends? You already explained why she has no-one. 

And you certainly explained what she was like! 

It sounds like she hasn’t been getting external attention and needs it. You’ll do.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Nope. I'm afraid you got all the parts about me completely wrong so I have to assume those are about you.


No. At least not the way you'd hope. Everything we say, has something to do with ourselves and our life experiences at the end of the day...

But your respond confirms my suspiscion...


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

elliblue said:


> No. But your respond confirms my suspiscion...


You are lost in space. I don't connect with what you say at all, never had any type of ex cut me off. I tend to remain amicable though not close. So what you are accusing me of had to come from somewhere, because it didn't come from me and doesn't apply to me. People assume others think as they do. They don't. So what you are insisting upon says more about you and nothing about me, I'm afraid.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Not every bond is a healthy bond. 'Genious' or not.
> And 'crazy' is also a very dangerous and discriminating word you are using in this context.
> Setting boundaries has nothing to do with being crazy. Saying 'I don't want to have contact' is setting boundaries.
> 
> ...


When crazy finds relief somewhere else, close the door on being a repeated, else for her.

Do not let her catch you in weak moment.
She knows you well enough to spot them, energize them, exploit them......those weaknesses.

Expect her to to again, seduce you.

You know, the open blouse, the swinging hips, those.

When she bends over to retrieve something look away.

_Look away, look away, look away from that Dixie gal !_

When she tilts her head down, and does that looking up at you with those puppy dog eyes, remember those teeth of hers.


----------

