# Lie Detector



## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

This is a long story so I apologize in advance. My husband and I have been together 8 years, almost 9, and married for 5 of those. When we first met things were of course fantastic, we also were very honest with each other about all our dirty laundry. I revealed to him that I had been desperately lonely in my first marriage, and that my husband had spent hours on the computer, this had driven me to cheat on him. I did it only one time and immediately ended my marriage after it happened. The problem was the new man was crazy insane and I was terrified of him, however, I ended up pregnant. He was with me for the entire 9 months of the pregnancy, and then I served him with a ppo when I realized how scary he was. However, there was still that part of me that was desperate to be loved, so I still secretly met with him a few times after...I know now how stupid and messed up it all was, but back then I was so desperate to find love and not be alone. 

I met my husband when my son was 6 months old. He changed my life and brought me back from the brink. He was and is everything I ever dreamed of. I swore to him I would be honest always, and he promised the same. For the vast majority of things, I have ALWAYS been truthful. There were a couple of little things though that I stretched the truth on, the problem is they have had big implications in us for our financial situation and that has caused my husband to go looking for things that aren't there. For several years, I have paid for lunches for my brother, whom I employ. I pay him just slightly more than minimum wage and always justified it that way. It probably all would have been well and good, if I didn't tell him we were tracking it. In addition to this lie, I also lied to him about going to the gym one day, I told him I went, but I really went home to sleep. He found out about it and I tried to carry the lie on, not realizing he had actually called and questioned the gym. There was one other lie about a cubscout event I was going to go to. I was worried if he knew I was going without him, then he would be angry, so I wasn't going to tell him. He was on the phone with me when I was pulling up to the dinner location and knew something was up, I still tried to avoid telling him and it blew up into a big battle. 

Triggered by these lies, he has somehow learned how to follow me online/via phone and can see and hear everything I do. He knows every conversation I have with my brother and the other staff members where I work, he tracks my car and claims he knows I am going places that I havent been going(this is one area I am not lying about...I am not sure how he gets what he does, but I am going straight home and nowhere else) I have even come clean to him about the lies about my brother's lunches and the other stuff. The problem is, he now is not trusting a thing I say. I can't say I blame him, but he seems to thing there is this huge thing going on that I am hiding, when in fact, any of the lies I have told were tiny in my eyes. I know now they were lies and a lie is a lie to him, but really I didn't think he would be watching me so closely and get so angry over things that at the time I considered small. I think he believes I am cheating on him now as he mentioned that he things I was with someone on two occasions....I am not sure why he thinks this, but it is definitely NOT the case.

I love my husband and even though we are going through a rough patch, I still feel like what we have is special and worth fighting for. There is no one else that even comes CLOSE to holding a candle to what I feel for him. Now he wants me to take a lie detector test....I have no problem with this, my only fear is that maybe it won't be accurate and it will make him think I am lying, and he will leave me over something I really didn't do. I am so terrified about all this. I can't even talk to anyone, because he is the only person I confide in. I have made smart ass comments to my brother about my frustrations with my husband in the past, but I NEVER tell him anything to truly make my husband look bad or like we are in trouble, because I don't want anyone to know. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I mentioned counseling, but my husband says, I am the only one that needs counseling because I am the liar......he doesn't believe that I am telling the truth about things now. I am just so scared.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds to me like you keep picking the wrong type of guys. Maybe you'd be better off alone.

Will you go back and add paragraph breaks to your post? It's really hard to read such a big block of text.


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

Thanks, that's just the type of response I came here for. We have 3 children, I don't think the answer is leaving my 5 year marriage. 

As for the paragraph breaks....the formatting it was doing via my cellphone wasn't working properly....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, so if you're not leaving, you owe it to your kids to start therapy. You are going to have to do some real work on learning how to stand up for yourself and deal with controlling behavior. You can't change him. But you can change how you interact with him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ok, so if you're not leaving, you owe it to your kids to start therapy. You are going to have to do some real work on learning how to stand up for yourself and deal with controlling behavior. You can't change him. But you can change how you interact with him.


The therapy I agree with, but this is a tough one because even though it may not have seemed a big deal to begin with, there had to be a certain level of mistrust to begin with being an admitted cheater. Add to that multiple seemingly innocent lies further eroding trust...


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> The therapy I agree with, but this is a tough one because even though it may not have seemed a big deal to begin with, there had to be a certain level of mistrust to begin with being an admitted cheater. Add to that multiple seemingly innocent lies further eroding trust...


Thank you, that's just it, I can't completely blame him and call it controlling behavior, when I drove him to this. I've NEVER cheated on him, and as I said before, I only stepped out of my first marriage once, and that's when I knew it was time to end it and did. I wouldn't be able to live with myself sleeping with two men and lying about it continuously. That's why I ended the first marriage. I will also add, that in my first marriage I was married to a pothead gamer. I told him multiple times how unhappy I was, and that I needed him. He continued to ignore me, until I finally sought someone else. When I found someone else, I left.....still not right, but in my mind back then it was justified. 

I LOVE my husband. The lies I told were more to try to keep the peace. I had no clue he would be so upset by them and then go digging into every little area of my life. I thought I could just bury my head in the sand and avoid conflict. IT doesn't appear that is going to happen. The problem is, he now wants me to take this lie detector test, which I know I haven't cheated, but I am scared that they aren't always accurate. Then an even bigger part of me is scared even if it says I am truthful, will it matter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, it wasn't just once, was it?

But aside from that, the therapy is needed so you have professional help knowing how to move forward and either clear the air or set new boundaries and consequences.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

masonswife said:


> Thank you, that's just it, I can't completely blame him and call it controlling behavior, when I drove him to this. I've NEVER cheated on him, and as I said before, I only stepped out of my first marriage once, and that's when I knew it was time to end it and did. I wouldn't be able to live with myself sleeping with two men and lying about it continuously. That's why I ended the first marriage. I will also add, that in my first marriage I was married to a pothead gamer. I told him multiple times how unhappy I was, and that I needed him. He continued to ignore me, until I finally sought someone else. When I found someone else, I left.....still not right, but in my mind back then it was justified.
> 
> I LOVE my husband. The lies I told were more to try to keep the peace. I had no clue he would be so upset by them and then go digging into every little area of my life. I thought I could just bury my head in the sand and avoid conflict. IT doesn't appear that is going to happen. The problem is, he now wants me to take this lie detector test, which I know I haven't cheated, but I am scared that they aren't always accurate. Then an even bigger part of me is scared even if it says I am truthful, will it matter.


I get all this, I really do. What happened in your first marriage, ending it immediately is far better than stringing it along. The thing is though, it did show that given the right circumstances, you are capable of cheating. Lying is one of those thing that goes hand in hand with cheating, then add in lying about small things, it's not too difficult to see how the thought process can go to...if she'll lie about the little things, what else, what bigger things is she lying about?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And this Folks is the reason 100% transparency is not always going to work.

Oh, I know, honesty is the best medicine. 

This reminds me of Colonel Jessup saying, "You cannot handle the truth", ref. "A Few Good Men".

Very few people can really handle the truth, and nothing but the truth....so help you GAWD! 

She owed her first husband the whole truth.

The next husband? Well, look at what this has caused.

When he asked, [did he?], "Why did she get divorced?", MW could have merely said that "they" fell out of love, we both made mistakes, and our marriage ended. This assumes that he did not know the real truth.

If she said that, her marriage would not be in continual [cat/mouse], [detective], [mistrust] mode.

Her husband is very insecure, dependent and [now] controlling. What a mess.

Yes, I think OP should offer to take a Lie Detector to get her DH out of his Cloud 9 security fear buzz .

Masonswife should say to him...FIRMLY, I an going to take this Lie Detector test willingly. But once I pass it with flying colors I want you to get over your fears and put your big boy pants on.

You will drop your silly fears. I am going to honor my vows. And I expect you to honor yours'. To Cherish Me.


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Well, it wasn't just once, was it?
> 
> But aside from that, the therapy is needed so you have professional help knowing how to move forward and either clear the air or set new boundaries and consequences.




what do you mean? Yes it was just once....and it was once on my ex husband, never on my current husband


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

masonswife said:


> what do you mean? Yes it was just once....and it was once on my ex husband, never on my current husband





> I served him with a ppo when I realized how scary he was. However, there was still that part of me that was desperate to be loved, so I still secretly met with him a few times after


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

I was married, I was unhappy, I told my husband I was unhappy and that I needed him to leave his gaming life and talk to me. He did not, I started going online and talking to people. I met this man, I developed a connection to him. We met up and had sex. The next day, I told my husband it was over. At the time the husband and I were living 3 hours apart, he came up for the holiday, I took one look at him and knew I couldn't live with knowing what I had done and stay with him, so I told him it was over. He left. I served divorce papers the next day.

I carried on a year long relationship with the new guy, he turned out to be a dangerous psychopath. My family did not approve of him, but I was scared of him and didn't know how to get rid of him. Then I got pregnant. It wasn't until I realized my baby could be in danger, that I served the ppo and got him out.

BUT....he begged me to meet with him, and I was so emotionally messed up, I still did a few times after I had my son.


Then I finally got out. 


So......it was only once that I cheated on my husband because after that act, I ended the marriage.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

masonswife said:


> Thank you, that's just it, I can't completely blame him and call it controlling behavior, when I drove him to this.


Regardless of the cause or reason, it IS controlling behavior. Sounds like he has all your electronic devices bugged and key loggers installed. And a GPS or voice activated recorder installed in your car.

We do recommend that here at TAM for the spouse to find evidence that their partner is cheating.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Regardless of the cause or reason, it IS controlling behavior. Sounds like he has all your electronic devices bugged and key loggers installed. And a GPS or voice activated recorder installed in your car.
> 
> We do recommend that here at TAM for the spouse to find evidence that their partner is cheating.


And what do tell people who come here if their partner has a history of cheating, and they have caught them in lies?


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

Yes, I believe he is trying to find evidence of me cheating. He won't, but he finds things like when I, in frustration call him a name or talk to my brother who is my staff member about stuff. There is a guy here at the office that he gets angry at me about. I despise this guy, but because I work with him, I find the need to be civil, and do occasionally joke with him. He is another game, which I have zero interest in. He also is not physically my type at all. When I say this guy does not cross my mind the minute I leave work or really even while I am at work unless I have to talk to him, I mean it...but my husband does not believe it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

masonswife said:


> Yes, I believe he is trying to find evidence of me cheating. He won't, but he finds things like when I, in frustration call him a name or talk to my brother who is my staff member about stuff. There is a guy here at the office that he gets angry at me about. I despise this guy, but because I work with him, I find the need to be civil, and do occasionally joke with him. He is another game, which I have zero interest in. He also is not physically my type at all. When I say this guy does not cross my mind the minute I leave work or really even while I am at work unless I have to talk to him, I mean it...*but my husband does not believe it*.


Beyond simply wishing it so, from your husbands perspective, why do you feel your husband should believe you?


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

That's the problem, I understand why he doesn't believe me. When I told the lies, I never really thought they would do harm. I mean, a lie about going to the gym when I really went home to sneak in a nap? Not telling him I was buying lunch for my brother every day is a bigger deal, but still not on the level of cheating. I go to work and come home. I don't do girls night outs, I don't go away without my husband. I have always been ok with him using my phone and having my email and facebook passwords. They were stupid little lies I was telling, thinking to avoid conflict. Now they get us to this point and as I said I am willing to take his lie detector test, I just worry it still won't be enough.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

masonswife said:


> That's the problem, I understand why he doesn't believe me. When I told the lies, I never really thought they would do harm. I mean, a lie about going to the gym when I really went home to sneak in a nap? Not telling him I was buying lunch for my brother every day is a bigger deal, but still not on the level of cheating. I go to work and come home. I don't do girls night outs, I don't go away without my husband. I have always been ok with him using my phone and having my email and facebook passwords. They were stupid little lies I was telling, thinking to avoid conflict. Now they get us to this point and as I said I am willing to take his lie detector test, I just worry it still won't be enough.


Taking the lie detector may not be enough, and then you will really have a choice to make. Regarding the lies, I have to wonder...honestly, how big of conflicts were you actually avoiding? To me, those don't seem like anything to lie about at all...and really, of all the lies that can be told...telling your spouse you are at one place when you are really at another is one of the surest ways to raise all sorts of suspicions...


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Taking the lie detector may not be enough, and then you will really have a choice to make. Regarding the lies, I have to wonder...honestly, how big of conflicts were you actually avoiding? To me, those don't seem like anything to lie about at all...and really, of all the lies that can be told...telling your spouse you are at one place when you are really at another is one of the surest ways to raise all sorts of suspicions...




I told him I was at the gym....when I went home and went back to bed....because I didn't want him to give me **** about not going to work out like I was supposed to. At the time, it really seemed like a simple silly little thing. I mean I was home being lazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

masonswife said:


> So......it was only once that I cheated on my husband because after that act, I ended the marriage.


Oh, so as soon as I decide my marriage is over and I tell my husband so, I'm free to go out and have sex with whomever I want? Because, you know, now I'm divorced because I said so?

Uh...no.

I'm on your side, but you have to be willing to own your own stuff. You seem to have a hard time doing that. And that's probably showing up throughout your marriage. How old are you, again?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maybe it's time you open up your world just a little. This problem won't go away unless you do start to learn to trust others.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Supposed to" be working out according to whom? Was someone holding you responsible for working out that day?

Also, be careful using the term "drove him to it". What if he were to strike you? Would you justify it by saying it is your fault for lying to him?

As to your lies... Was your husband ever, in any way, shape or form, abusive to you prior to the lying? I ask because you are lying for no apparent reason. That normally makes me incredibly suspicious of a person.

What are you not telling us?

No matter what happens, whether you are omitting the truth, or you are in an incredibly abusive situation without realizing it, it would serve you well to get into therapy.



masonswife said:


> I told him I was at the gym....when I went home and went back to bed....because I didn't want him to give me **** about not going to work out like I was supposed to. At the time, it really seemed like a simple silly little thing. I mean I was home being lazy.


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Oh, so as soon as I decide my marriage is over and I tell my husband so, I'm free to go out and have sex with whomever I want? Because, you know, now I'm divorced because I said so?
> 
> Uh...no.
> 
> I'm on your side, but you have to be willing to own your own stuff. You seem to have a hard time doing that. And that's probably showing up throughout your marriage. How old are you, again?




I NEVER said what I did was right, however this was my former marriage and ended in 2005. That is why when I met my CURRENT husband I sat down and discussed with him what had happened and why. I haven't once considered cheating on him. It was done at a very low point in my life before. I met my first husband when I was 19, I was a very lonely person, had never had a boyfriend etc etc. He was the first guy I ever slept with. He had a video game addiction, but because I was in college and lived apart from him I never realized how bad. ONce we got married and I started living with him, I realized he wasn't showering, cleaning, anything. He sat in his room and chain smoked and played his games. HE very rarely ever did anything with me and I begged him for his attention. He actually told me at one point that I wasn't really his ideal woman, but I came close enough. He also liked to look at pictures of almost underage girls online, when he met me I was 19 and he was 26. I think he liked the whole virgin idea and once that was over, it pretty much lost it's appeal. 

Again, I am not blameless in how things ended. I should have divorced him before finding someone else. Back then though I was totally insecure and terrified of being alone. I felt like the only way out was to find someone else first. It wasn't right, it is very messed up thinking, but I am older now and recognize it for what it was.

Other than the issues caused by what at one time I believed were harmless little white lies, I am happy in my marriage. I love my husband. He is a wonderful man that works hard and provides well for his family. I just want to find a way to fix this.


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## masonswife (Nov 21, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Maybe it's time you open up your world just a little. This problem won't go away unless you do start to learn to trust others.






huh?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, I'm on your side. But even in the little you've shared here, you tend to overlook things, gloss things over, cover your butt. I'm trying to tell you that if you want things to get better, you need to be able to look at things from a distance, from HIS viewpoint, like an outsider, and see where and why he could be having issues. 

You are a conflict avoider. You use 'white lies' to stay out of trouble. Even calling them white lies shows that you know you're doing wrong but want to be seen as blameless or, at best, justified. It's your life; you can choose to live a life of integrity...or continue to tell white lies and stay out of trouble. 

Just don't expect your spouse to be ok with it. You want him to trust you? Be trustworthy.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Like I said, I'm on your side. But even in the little you've shared here, you tend to overlook things, gloss things over, cover your butt. I'm trying to tell you that if you want things to get better, you need to be able to look at things from a distance, from HIS viewpoint, like an outsider, and see where and why he could be having issues.
> 
> You are a conflict avoider. You use 'white lies' to stay out of trouble. Even calling them white lies shows that you know you're doing wrong but want to be seen as blameless or, at best, justified. It's your life; you can choose to live a life of integrity...or continue to tell white lies and stay out of trouble.
> 
> Just don't expect your spouse to be ok with it. You want him to trust you? Be trustworthy.


^ This ^
He's not being controlling, You have earned the doubt that has been thrust upon you, by being dishonest with your husband. I'm sure he thinks that you lying about what you consider little stuff is not so little. How does he know you were at home instead of the gym, and how does he know you weren't with the co-worker he suspects, even at your home? He already knows he can't trust your answers because he knows you lie to him. The scale of the lie is immaterial. It may even be said that you would lie about big stuff before you would lie about little stuff because the stakes are higher to need to lie. I completely get your husband as I'm in a bit of the same boat. You've done the damage and if it's possible to move on for him (it may not be) you will have to show 100% transparency and some respect to him as well.The polygraph is the start of earning his trust back. I doubt you have much chance of that if you refuse it.Whatever you do don't google how to beat a poly ,and let him see it in your browser history. He likely has the same doubts in the poly you do and may not believe you are telling the truth even if it says you are.That's the power of the distrust you have filled him with through the multiple "white lies".
You said you insulted him to your brother, and if he's heard other conversations you've had ,he probably heard some of that too. Sounds like he's doing what is advised here to find that you have done something and you're just adding fuel to the fire. You REALLY need to try seeing things through his eyes, impartially. If he was doing the same stuff, and had your track record of cheating, wouldn't you be suspicious?


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