# Am I overreacting to my husbands dishonesty?



## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi everyone, 
So happy I found this site and would love someone else's opinion. Maybe it would be helpful to give a little background. 

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, no kids yet. We met when I was very young, and he is quite a few years older. In the beginning, the age gap was very noticeable. I was insecure and depressed, and he was confident and full of himself. I guess this explains the opposites attract rule. He ended up cheating on me with multiple people about 6 years ago. I found out when he started acting weird and closing his phone and computer whenever I would come around. It happened too many times to just be a coincidence. I ended up finding out some of his passwords and confirming my suspicions. He told me he had only kissed 2 people and that was it. After a short period of time I forgave him and we got back together. Months later, I still kept finding out things that had happened during that period of time that he never told me about. He ended up accidentally emailing me a pic of himself making out with another person. I know how this sounds...the handwriting was on the wall and I should have left for good. He begged and pleaded and said he would do whatever it took, so I gave him another chance. We decided that we would open up our electronics (phone, facebook, email, etc). 

Now, 6 years later, we are married and I don't believe he has been unfaithful during this time. We love each other and have been pretty happy on the whole. The recent problem we have been having started a year ago. He had a friend in town and they went out all day bar hopping and then came back to go to bed. I was heading to bed when I saw a text come through to my husbands phone, from our friend who lives out of town. The friend was talking about his last lap dance. This made me wonder what my husband said that made him respond this way (we have an agreement that he will tell me if he goes to a strip club, which happens only 1 time a year maybe, and I would be ok with it). So, I open the text and there are no prior messages about the subject, or even from the same day. So, I go to bed and ask him if he went to a strip club. He said no, so I asked him why his friend would send him that message and he said he was responding by text to a phone conversation they were having earlier that night. So (I could tell he was lying) but I said, ok, let me look at your phone call history. He was dumbfounded, so I looked at the phone, and what do you know, no history of a phone call. I told him that I thought he must have deleted the previous texts and he got so defensive. He called his friend into our bedroom (not the one from the text messages), and had him totally lie for him. He put the words into his friends mouth and it was obvious (BTW, he ended up admitting he lied about all of this weeks later). That night he told me to get the F out and the whole thing spiraled out of control. The next day he told me he was putting a passcode on his phone, and changing the passwords to his email, and all of the accounts we share (phone and credit card). Hence, the situation we are in a year later. He is paranoid about me seeing his phone, and he deletes the history when he uses the computer. One time I was at at&t having my phone switched and he accused me of trying to change the password on the account. 

The reason I am writing all of this is because I know that our past still affects the way I think, and the current behavior is bringing back all of those feelings and insecurities. The incident may not be a huge of a deal as cheating, but it makes me feel like he was being dishonest. Now that he is keeping everything password protected I am worried. After his infidelity I did look through his things for a while, but once the trust was back I did NOT snoop. This was the first time in 6 years I ever saw something dishonest on his phone. I don't know if he has something to hide, or he is trying to exert his control over his personal information. I believe that in a marriage, people should be transparent, honest and respectful. They way he is acting is making me resent him and I don't know what the solution is short of leaving. Sorry this was so long winded, but please help!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is an issue of lack of trust, not lack of privacy. If you need transparency to regain trust, so be it. If he wants your trust back then this is what he must do. But now he's changing the previously agreed upon plan. So, one must wonder why?

It doesn't sound like he's very eager to have your trust. And that is most concerning of all. He changed the rules and expects you to get over it. I don't suggest you do get over it at all. I think he may be cheating and I think he is trying to make you feel outrageous for suspecting his behavior.

Stand your ground! Full and open transparency and be prepared to leave if/when he refuses.

Or, you could post this in Coping with Infidelity section and find ways to discover what he's up to before you confront him. Right now, you have no proof so he can easily "gas light" you into backing down. As you've done for the last year.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

He's a liar and a cheat. You knew that earlier, and you just got confirmation. He's paranoid about you seeing his phone for a reason. How many times are you willing to forgive his cheating?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I believe that past behavior can predict future behavior. You know he's cheated on you in the past, many times. Do you think marriage has changed him? From what you say about his actions as of late, I would say NO it hasnt.

Something is up. You know something is up. The question is what will you do about it?


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It doesn't sound like he's very eager to have your trust. And that is most concerning of all. He changed the rules and expects you to get over it. I don't suggest you do get over it at all. I think he may be cheating and I think he is trying to make you feel outrageous for suspecting his behavior.


Thank you for your response. You have put how I feel into words. In fact, we talked about this a month ago and I asked him how he was feeling about the subject and if he felt like he would be willing to compromise. His response was "get the f over it, I f-ing lied". He admitted he lied, but he never apologized or acknowledged how his actions resulted in a lack of trust. You are right. He is making me feel like I am being crazy for overreacting (all things he did when he cheated).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mary1214 said:


> Thank you for your response. You have put how I feel into words. In fact, we talked about this a month ago and I asked him how he was feeling about the subject and if he felt like he would be willing to compromise. His response was "get the f over it, I f-ing lied". He admitted he lied, but he never apologized or acknowledged how his actions resulted in a lack of trust. You are right. He is making me feel like I am being crazy for overreacting (all things he did when he cheated).


In that case he's kinda throwing down his leather glove. 

Go to the CWI section and learn the best snooping and spying techniques to prove he's cheating. Then, toss his worthless backside to the curb. Until you have proof, he will gas light you.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Huge red flags here!


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Mary, I admire your optimism and forgiveness for this man on one hand, yet in the other is a huge red flag!

Cheating just once would be a deal breaker for me. Forgiving and moving on is another thing. Forgiving and staying together is a license to cheat again. If you've taken him back/forgiven him once, you'll do it again. Some people might disagree with this, but I guess you have to ask yourself if this man is making you happy? what does your gut tell you? Given his defensive retorts, to say I'd be anxious and alarmed would be an understatement.

You deserve better.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> His response was "get the f over it, I f-ing lied". He admitted he lied, but he never apologized or acknowledged how his actions resulted in a lack of trust. You are right. He is making me feel like I am being crazy for overreacting (all things he did when he cheated).


Well, here you go again. You already know this blame-the-victim attacking is done by cheaters that want to eat cake.

Keep the wife at home, ignorant and beaten down, and the cake on the side. The only way to get him to admit to everything he's done is to lay the evidence down in front of him. So therefore he conceals the evidence. 

You need to put the ultimatum down. Either transparency or I'm out of here. And you have to mean it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> You need to put the ultimatum down. Either transparency or I'm out of here. And you have to mean it.


No, you are not overreacting. You're UNDERreacting!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP: does he treat you like this in all areas of your relationship? Is there anything about your marriage that is positive?

Usually when this type of behavior is reported, the poster will say something like "but he's a good father, he's loving, he's affectionate, he's a good provider, I just love him too much to leave, he's been there for me." 

I'm trying to figure out why you are putting up with this from him.


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> OP: does he treat you like this in all areas of your relationship? Is there anything about your marriage that is positive?


Yes, there are many positive things about the relationship. He is very affectionate, we've been together for 10 years and he is my family. He has a great sense of humor and we have many similar interests (outdoorsy type things). I think he will make a great father if we can ever resolve our issues. 

Of course there are other things that aren't perfect (lack of responsibility around the house, etc.), but I could deal with those things if I felt emotionally safe and that the marriage had a strong foundation of trust, respect, and honesty. 

When this all went awry last year, I saw that he was contacting a girl on fb that he used to work with years ago. She is younger than me and beautiful (from what I saw on her fb picture). He said he contacted her because he just found out she was moving in with her long time boyfriend whom she was dating when he knew her. He sent her two messages telling her to call him. She never responded, so he told her that he was going to be in town. She still never responded. When I asked him if he was contacting her so he could meet up with her he said "no, I tell lots of people that I am going to be in town, but don't make plans to meet up with them." We were going to be there together, so I don't even know when he would have found time to meet up with her without me knowing. He was not good friends with her, because he never mentioned her name to me in the past, so I don't understand why he would reach out to her. When things like that happen, I feel like he really thinks I am stupid. But, I feel like I need more proof. I have used a few tactics that people have mentioned in order to try to find out the truth, but have not found any concrete evidence, otherwise I would be out the door. Ahhh, it's so frustrating. I know how all of this must look/sound, but when someone is so convincing that they are not doing anything wrong and I can't find evidence, it makes it hard to just pack it up and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, if you can't do that then prepare yourself for a life of what you are dealing with now. It's a long, hard road you are going down and it's unlikely to get any easier.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> When things like that happen, I feel like he really thinks I am stupid. But, I feel like I need more proof. I have used a few tactics that people have mentioned in order to try to find out the truth, but have not found any concrete evidence, otherwise I would be out the door.


And that's the catch-22 that ruins so many relationships!

Instead of waiting for proof, if you act like your suspicions ARE proof enough, you'll get the changes you need to see much more quickly if those changes will happen. If he's not going to change, the relationship ends without you making yourself crazy trying to find proof. 

Just the act of trying to get that proof can implode a relationship. You'll be accused of not trusting him, overreacting, violating his privacy, and things like this... ESPECIALLY if you're right! And he'll just go deeper into hiding and cover his tracks better. 

By deciding that these behaviors are deal breakers without needing proof, you'll be able to have a lot more peace and success in relationships.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I know how all of this must look/sound, but when someone is so convincing that they are not doing anything wrong and I can't find evidence, it makes it hard to just pack it up and move on.


I can understand how you feel. The signs are not looking good, but you just don't want to end your marriage unless you know for sure. 

How do you feel about the way he talks to you when ask him about these things? I know the responses you gave further up on the post were VERY disrespectful way for him to talk to you you when you had every reason to question him, especially since he admitted he was lying. So he was in the wrong to some extent.

If he's going to just deny deny deny, then as Openminded said, you are not going to be able to settle this in your mind and it will be just like this until something changes. Maybe he will stop this suspect behavior but maybe not.


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I can understand how you feel.
> How do you feel about the way he talks to you when ask him about these things?


Thank you for your thoughtful response
After that conversation I felt really crappy and started to mentally "check out" because he obviously didn't want to take my feelings into consideration. However, I brought it up again a few days ago and told him I was hurt and disappointed about what he said and how he said it. I told him that I had been angry and hurting about this since it happened. He keeps talking about having kids in the near future, so I also said that before we continue planning for the future and talking about kids, this needs to be resolved. He said he didn't understand what that has to do with kids and I said that it is building a strong foundation of trust so we bring kids into an emotionally healthy home. Surprisingly he said he understood that, but he is a master of telling people what they want to hear, so while I hope he is sincere, I know he may not be. He seems to forget that I need to be happy also. We agreed we would talk about it later. I am currently in school, getting ready to be done soon, I am kind of happy he is choosing to put off talking about this for a while. However, in the meantime I have already started to disconnect from him and fear that resenting someone for so long is going to cause permanent damage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Mary1214 said:


> When this all went awry last year, I saw that he was contacting a girl on fb that he used to work with years ago. She is younger than me and beautiful (from what I saw on her fb picture). He said he contacted her because he just found out she was moving in with her long time boyfriend whom she was dating when he knew her.


Right. And I am currently King of Spain. 




> He sent her two messages telling her to call him. She never responded, so he told her that he was going to be in town. She still never responded. When I asked him if he was contacting her so he could meet up with her he said "no, I tell lots of people that I am going to be in town, but don't make plans to meet up with them." We were going to be there together, so I don't even know when he would have found time to meet up with her without me knowing. He was not good friends with her, because he never mentioned her name to me in the past, so I don't understand why he would reach out to her.


Can I help with that? He's reaching out for her panties. 

My cheating wife would tell me how controlling and jealous I was, that this was not the 1800's, he's just a friend, etc. and my response to that was I didn't care. Her behavior was unacceptable, period.

As it so happened I did hire a private detective and also pulled the old "going-out-of-town" trick and stayed to watch her spend the night with the boyfriend. 

But even when you bust them in the act like that they are still denying anything is happening - he was so sweet to let her spend the night because she was too drunk to drive home...

So even waiting for the "concrete evidence" is going to be met with the same kind of denial.


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