# People Pleasers



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I know this isn't the typical addiction people think of, but it seemed like the closest place to get some advice. Long story short, my husband and I have been having problems with my feeling under-prioritorized. Some things came out over the summer and we ended up in marriage counseling, where we've been told he's a people pleaser. He's basically addicted to coming to people's rescue, even if that means putting his own needs (and by extension, his family's needs) aside to do it. Obviously, that's a huge issue for me and causes a lot of arguments. Often it's people he doesn't even know or even like. He just can't bring himself to say no to people. We've read up a little bit and his childhood is surely where it comes from and that all makes sense. What I don't understand is why he can't see reason beyond that. I've been telling him these habits are unhealthy for the better part of 10 years now, but of course as a people pleaser, he agrees so that we'll stop fighting until the next time comes around. Over the years, the lying and manipulating have either gotten sloppier or I have just lost the ability to be patient with it. Now that the counselor has said it's not a healthy way to live and it's ripping our marriage apart, he wants to fix it. I want to be supportive of him through this but my patience is almost non-existent at this point. So this weekend, he's agreed to do 22 hours worth of work in two days for this side job. He didn't talk to me about it first but the friend (I use that word very loosely) needed him to do it because he has to visit a sick relative. While this guy unapologetically takes advantage of anybody available and has been horribly passive aggressive about my husband's new approach, I don't want to be the one that comes between him saying goodbye to his relative so I agree to the 22 hours. I actually hired my 16 year old cousin to help me loosen the load on him a bit so that he could take a break yesterday. In true form, the friend asked for even more that was in no way a "need". There was another hour task that the guy just didn't want to do so he shamelessly asked my husband to do it on the break that I'd created for my husband. And of course, my husband said yes. Obviously, now I'm mad. I'm trying to be patient while he deals with this compulsion, but I feel like my own generosity is being taken advantage of so that he can give in to his "yes" craving. 

Firstly, I don't understand this compulsion. I grew up with my own issues of never being able to please anyone and my familial obligations are always my first concern. Secondly, I don't understand why it's not easier to follow the rules with people who aren't going to be appreciative anyway. Can someone help me understand my husband better or can someone who's been through a similar situation offer some advice for how to handle the slip ups? Being "patient" hasn't done me much good in the past so I'm hesitant to let anything go. I also know my disappointment hurts him more than most people, so I don't want that either. Help!


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Has he a history of co-dependency with a member of his family? (Addicted to enabling dysfunction)

My H is a 'pathological' people pleaser. Which on the surface seems 'nice' (and in the past we have even joked about it) but it used to bring him a lot of distress if he cannot be the rescuer and hero. He will also over-volunteer himself. When he went for counselling it turns out that he was co-dependent with his mother whilst growing up (basically an enabler to her dysfunctional life was the only time he got any approval). When he left home he transfered that excessive need to 'please' to anyone around him.

My mother is also the same. She will want to 'help' in the extreme and can literally fall out with people if her efforts are not praised enough or she is not the first to be asked to help (i.e she is addicted to approval). She has a history of a narcissistic mother and an abusive brother. 

Also think about very low self esteem and ways to improve it, that doesn't involve the approval of others (i.e self soothing and self rewarding acts)


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

People pleasers often want to be 'liked' and do not reaiize others think less of them if they are pushovers. This is a HABIT. While alone, he needs to look in the mirror and practice saying, " I'm sorry, I can't help you." or "I wish I could help, but I can't." if this makes him feel better. 

Actually, NO is a complete sentence. While speaking, he must look them in the eye and smile. Then, he needs to stay silent (that is the hardest part). Eventually, he may want to change the subject. When he has difficulty, he needs to run this tape through his mind: My family is more important!"

It may take a while. Meanwhile praise, praise, praise him for his successes.


----------



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Yes, he had a pretty terrible childhood. On the ACE scale he's a 9/10. He hasn't pinpointed for me just how it started but it extended to other people and was reaffirmed at a pretty young age so it's a very well ingrained idea. To make matters worse, my mother is bipolar so growing up I learned to hate myself, which fortunately for me just eventually turned into self-acceptance. Unfortunately for my marriage, I really struggle to understand trying to please people who don't accept me the way I am. To boot, my husband is an amazing man. This is probably his only weakness. I just cannot fathom how he could be so insecure (though I know that's not how it works). I will work on the praising him. I'm sure I don't do that well enough since denying people comes so easily to me.


----------

