# Just a hump we need to get over??



## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

Has our marriage run its course and is over? Am I just in a bad frame of mind and only thinking about the bad? Have I been too wrapped up to realize it was over? Do I just have to adjust to a new normal? 

A little history:

We are together 34 years married almost 30. We have 5 kids 18-26. We have been through a lot together, the death of my father, Taking in and raising 3 nephews. 2 are my sister's sons. because of being born addicted to drugs and removed from their parents. The illness and death of his sister(36). Taking in her son because the father was abusing and neglecting him and his sister. The death of both of my sisters, young (39 & 45, yes drugs) Then this past year and a half have been hell. Our oldest son was in a horrific work accident. Hospitalized 50 days with 10 surgeries and then 10 days at rehab before coming home. In addition he then had multiple hospital stays and an additional 10 surgeries. Still recovering. In October my mother-in-law got very ill and ended up coming home on hospice to our home, right after Christmas and died a few days later.

We work together well under pressure which can be good and bad. I love him but I am not happy and I know I don't make him happy. We both work full time. We spend time together, most nights. He is a great guy and there is no doubt in my mind about his faithfulness and no I don't have anyone else. It feels like we have nothing in common besides our family. We have sex 2 - 3 times a week other than that we are more like roommates than husband & wife. 

I have gone to counseling, only to be told considering what's going on, how I am feeling is normal. I have asked him to go to counseling numerous times to no avail.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's a post you made on Dec 10, 2014. Is any of it still true?



Brandy905 said:


> Came across this article, seems pretty accurate and I thought I would share it. I like #20
> 
> 20 Things I've Learned From 20 Years of Marriage
> 
> ...


You've got a lot of posts on this forum. Maybe go back and read some of them to get some clarity?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Are you sure this is the same poster? Different usernames?

@OP, if you ARE the same poster, you can be banned for creating multiple accounts.

OP, it sounds like you and your DH have had a hell of a year. I don't think your marriage is necessarily over, but I do think that the two of you are burned out. You're clearly feeling disconnected from your DH, and that's not a good sign. You say that he won't go to counseling. Why? Does he think that you guys are fine, and don't have a problem? Or is he one of those people that think counseling is BS and will do more harm than good?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Penny905 said:


> Has our marriage run its course and is over? Am I just in a bad frame of mind and only thinking about the bad? Have I been too wrapped up to realize it was over? Do I just have to adjust to a new normal?
> 
> A little history:
> 
> ...


Wow! What a stressful life. It sounds like you have both had so much going on, all of which felt like top priority, that you've allowed these other aspects of your life to take over and push your marriage out. 

I see a couple key ideas in your post. First and foremost: *"It feels like we have nothing in common besides our family."*
That may be the case at this point in time, and certainly seems so based on what you've said so far. The question now is, are those other family requirements backing off at all? If so, there's probably a void that, with your recent past, y'all just aren't sure how to fill. This appears to be an extreme version of the same thing most middle aged couples go through as they become empty nesters--having to get to know each other all over again and reestablish the bonds that held them together in the first place. 

The second item of interest is *"We have sex 2 - 3 times a week other than that we are more like roommates than husband & wife."*
First, understand that that frequency is something many people dream of. You're way ahead of the curve here compared to many successful marriages. In fact, I'm astonished you find the time and energy for that given all the other burdens you carry in your life! That said, the next question is, is that sex satisfying? By that, I mean is it truly vulnerable and bonding, or is it just going through the motions because that's what married people do? 

Once you really start to dig into your mutual desire to reengage with each other, free of the external distractions, then you'll be able to better assess if this is something which has "run its course" or if it's just a matter of two people who have allowed external forces to get them to forget one another. 

Sadly, many marriages break up shortly after achieving empty nest status. Sometimes its because the couple knew it was over long ago and was only staying together for the kids. But other times, it's because the couple have simply lost tough with each other and don't know how to get it back. The latter is particularly sad. Ironically, it can be far harder to relearn each other than it was to learn each other in the first place. This is because both partners have grown and changed and it can be frustrating trying to go back to a known state when that is impossible because that known state is gond forever and starting over is tough. 

While your situation is more complex thant the basic empty nest syndrome, it is an extension of the same concept. These resources may provide you with a bit more to go on:

https://www.amazon.com/Empty-Nesting-Reinventing-Marriage-Leave/dp/0787960411
http://weddingcounsellors.yolasite.com/resources/fightingforyouremptynestmarriage.pdf
***Marriage and the Empty Nest: Five Strategies for Rediscovering Your Spouse


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## nicnakx (May 3, 2017)

Maybe it's just a case of some quality time is needed for you both. You've focused so much on everything else your marriage has almost been forgotten?! 

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The 20 points thing, I've always thought that was a teaching tool for people trying to act like they are in love. A primer for acting class, so to speak. I know, I'm probably too jaded.

Some people do believe if you act like you're in love you can fall in love. Or make someone else fall in love with you. 

You just feel you two are not in love with each other any more? No more spark? When you see each other, your life does not shine?

Does your husband recognize there is an issue? Or are you alone in this feeling? Does he care, or just say whatever?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> Are you sure this is the same poster? Different usernames?
> 
> @OP, if you ARE the same poster, you can be banned for creating multiple accounts.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/298513-severed-urethra-3.html#post16115186


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/298513-severed-urethra-3.html#post16115186


OK, thanks.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Perhaps this video can give you some hope/ideas to start with. I watched it the other day, and I found it to be quite enlightening (towards the end of the video, she gives some ideas for sustaining/rekindling lust in a relationship).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Penny905;

If you H will not go to marriage counseling, why? 

Seriously, look him in the eyes, tell him you feel that the two of you are drifting apart and that you want to build your marriage.

Ask him to go with you to marriage counseling as a favor to you and your children.

If he is too embarrassed, see if there isn't an on-line course or book the two of you could work through.

In addition to my wife and I working with a sex therapist on saving our marriage, we attended a Gottman weekend workshop. They have course materials.

https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-deluxe-package/

https://www.gottman.com/product/the-art-and-science-of-love-home-dvd-workshop/

I am sure that there are others, you can find.

Good luck


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear Penny905;
> 
> If you H will not go to marriage counseling, why?
> 
> ...


Gottman weekend workshop. I was going to recommend that, but I couldn't remember who did them. I wanted to do a Gottman weekend with my XH, but by the time we started MC, it was clearly too late, anyway.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Gottman weekend workshop. I was going to recommend that, but I couldn't remember who did them. I wanted to do a Gottman weekend with my XH, but by the time we started MC, it was clearly too late, anyway.


Their weekend workshops are expensive but for me worth it. The first day was all about reinforceing why we loved each other, what are shared dreams an priorities were. The second day was about negotiating conflict and rituals to reunite use

I suggested the workbooks/videos as a less expensive alternatives.

The joke around here is that when marriage counselors have problems with their marriages, they go to the Gottman's for help. The husband and wife team is not semi-retired, but still do a number of weekend workshops.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

More you spend time together, stronger your bonding will get.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Here's a post you made on Dec 10, 2014. Is any of it still true?
> 
> 
> 
> You've got a lot of posts on this forum. Maybe go back and read some of them to get some clarity?


Love that idea


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

Thanks for all of your replies. 

Hope - yes the list is still true and I will go back and read, thank you for the idea

Feminist - you are correct, I do feel disconnected. I watched the video then re-read my post, I used the words "our, us & we" that was food for thought

Rocky- yes things have calmed down a lot and there are a lot less demands. So from going non-stop to not much there is a void that probably does need to be filled both physically and mentally. Sex isn't very bonding most of the time, but usually about twice a month when we both have time and energy at the same time it is.

He just doesn't believe in counseling. He knows things aren't good but "things aren't bad either"

I think maybe I will get the Gottman DVD, I know he would do that with me.

Like I said, he is a great guy and I love him but we are more like roommates. We don't fight, we do things for each other. Every Sunday we work together to host Family dinner for extended family. I am thinking maybe I need to get my head out of my a$$, I don't know..........


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Penny905 said:


> Thanks for all of your replies.
> 
> Hope - yes the list is still true and I will go back and read, thank you for the idea
> 
> ...


A lot of men (and a disclaimer, this doesn't apply to all men, so men here who aren't like this, please don't get defensive and sidetrack from my post in your responses... no, not all men, but yes, a lot of men and yes, a lot of women, too, but I'm saying a lot of men because the OP is dealing with a MAN) will ignore the little cracks, fissures, and leaks in a relationship because it's not "bad" ... until they have a disaster on their hands, and everything is falling apart. THEN they think, time to pull out all the stops and take drastic measures to fix things, but by that point it's too late. The damage has already been done, and sometimes the damage is irreparable. You need to get him to understand--and I don't know how you can do this, because I don't know your husband, but maybe others have some insight--you need to make him understand that he cannot defer maintenance on his marriage. If one person is bothered enough to think there is a problem, there IS a problem, and it needs to be addressed for the relationship to move forward in a healthy manner.

It sounds to me like he is dismissing your concerns, and that is a problem in and of itself. If my partner has concerns (about anything!), I care because I care about my partner, and vice versa. Your husband isn't doing that for you right now.

ETA: I just started reading this thread... this is what happens when a man defers maintenance on his marriage: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ally-screwed-up-lost-my-wife-heartbroken.html


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