# completely lost need help



## tryingtocope24

I have posted in the womens link with ( need a womens ponit of veiw)
I has become clear now that my wife of 24 years, been together for 30 and high school sweetheart is leaving. She say she has no feeling for me anymore but will cry endlessly when telling me that, I fear she is falling deep into depression. There is no one else in her life, We move to fl. 11 years ago from chicago. It was for many reasons but she says now it is not for her. She plans to leave in june when the kids get out of school. Our daughter will be staying in state for college and it will be up to our 13 year old son as to who he stays with. It is pretty clear he does not want to go north. She has family and some old friends there, she will have enough money to buy a small condo but as for job that will be a tough thing to find when she has been out of the work force for so long. She did work last school year as a asst. teacher ( no degree ). She lost that job because of cuts. She lost a very good friend to cancer quickly last lear and some friend because of disagreements. Our marriage was not perfect but much bettert than most. this can suddenly for me and still can not belive i am in this postion.
I guess i have accepted that this is going to happen, the kids do not know yet. I truely think this is caused by her depression, loss of her friend,and menapose. I have finally gotten her to go to the dr. for blood work. She has been on anti depression meds for 4 years which were in my oppion wrongly perscribed.
She say we need to say in the same house till she leaves it just kills me to she the woman that I love dearly everyday waiting 9 months for her departure. I need to love and be loved
and can not see going thru the next 9 months with a broken heart. We did go to counsling but she had her mind made up before she got there. She say she needs to do this for herself so if we did by chance work things out she would not have that I wish I would have feeling in the future I agree with that statement. But why not go now? why wait? It is just hurting us all. She goes to visit once a month as it is why not stay loner. She say she does not want the kids to feel like she left them. 
( yes I know what you are going to say that is what she is going to do anyway that is what I am going thru). I worry about her health and safety. It will not be a ugly divorce we are nonconfintational she can have what she wants, I want her to be happy, I want to be happy but I know that will not happen because she will not be in my life. 
How do you get thru this situation, I won't crawl in to a bottle,
I get sick on antidepression meds. I can talk to friends but it only helps while I am talking as soon as I stop it hurts. I feel sick all the time, I can't eat, sleep,think and am having a hard time functioning in general.
A part of me say go out and find someone else to fill the void, the problem with that is who want someone in my condition. I am asking no pleading what do I do I need help!!!


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## dobo

Has your wife seen anyone to have a medical evaluation? Would she be willing to?

Is she considering this a separation or is she going to file for divorce? Does she want you to wait for her to make up her mind? What is she asking of you?

BTW, I'm sorry for your pain.


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## tryingtocope24

Thanks for asking dodo
She is going to the gyno and to the gp tomorrow. The counsler said she is on the wrong anti depp. and should be on hormone replacement. I know it may not change a thing but at least she is trying something. She say she does not want to hurt me and does not want me to get hopefull and I am trying not to. When I suggested a legal seperation she seemed like it was a better idea but the fl. does not allow legal seperations only divorce. The counsler did say even if you divorce you can still remarry. She is really confused, she talked to my parents yesterday and even they say they feel bad for her as I do. We did find out it all can crashing down for her in april after a very good friend died of cancer suddenly. I really think the wrong meds, menapose and losing her friend has caused a lot of things to come to the surface. Was are marriage perfect no but the things that are wrong can be fixed. She says she has no feelings for me but got upset when I went to get a hair cut ( she always cut my hair ). She say she wants to be happy, I want her to be happy and I am fairly sure this move will not make her happy. I have a few suggestions that I will put in a letter to her that will give her options. I know it will not change things but it will give her something to think about. No I won't be begging or pleading. It just would give her time with her family up north and save our family from distruction. As for your last two questions, I think she would want me to wait but I have told her I need to love and be loved. She is asking me to live as a family till june when she plans to leave. To me that is like being told you are going to die in 9 months but don't worry everything will be fine. My suggestion is leave now I will make sure she has the funds to say afloat and see where things in Jan. Then we can proceed with mediation if she wants. I was told the courts are taking up to 9 month to finalize a divorce because of back log.
I did feel a little better today, I talked to her mom about things for the first time and got a different side and I have to agree with some of the things she said, she is not picking sides and loves both of us.
I hanging in there


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## Corpuswife

I know this is crushing. I married my high school sweetheart as well. We have been married for 24 years. It's my H that is saying and doing things very similiar to your W. 

For me this has been going on for about a year...that I knew about. 

No affairs no abuse...in fact a pretty good relationship. In many ways it could have been more connected and lost it's spark. Many have told us that we have a better divorce process than many marriages! (he filed about a month ago)

9 months is so difficult...it's like a death sentence isn't it? 

It might be wise to do what your suggested. Leave now and gain space. You will feel an instant relief and sadness. Time and patience can do incredible things. 9 months may give her time to figure out her body physically (meds/hormones/etc) and get on track somewhat. It will also allow you to become your own person.

I know that last sentence is strange...I am in the process of "becoming" myself. It's like our lives are entangled and you are trying to untangle the knots! My heart is still with him. I have a suspicion that he will want to get back together over time. However, I think the divorce will eventually go through in the meantime.

Hang in there. Do the best you can but you need to take care of yourself.


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## dobo

What is her doctor telling her about hormone replacement? That's a choice more than anything. It comes with a huge risk.

I say that as a pro-HRT person. But I well recognize the risks.


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## tryingtocope24

Both Gyno and regular dr. have no problem with the prozac at 40 mg.. Both say a estrogen test is not needed because she is still having periods. They are irregular. Gyno will do blood sugar, thyroid test tomorrow. This is what she told me what they told her may be different. If she is avoiding something that is sad because she should be happy even if she if not in my life.


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## knortoh

I am so sorry to hear about your degree of pain - I am familiar with that - and it is so horrible and I know exactly what you are saying talking to friends helps but the pain comes back when you stop talking - 

I know that you love your wife - anyone can see that and so this might hurt a bit - but she is being very selfish and not mindful with your feelings by saying she wants to saty with you in house for 9 months. 

honestly you will probaly feel worse if you leave and get your own space - but it does get better - you won't believe it right now - but it does - 

and it means that you are gaining some control....

once again this may sound like something you would never do right now - but a few of us here who have gone through similiar stuff would probably say the same thing...

keep on posting - hopefully that will help with the pain - and in the meantime keep on talking to those friends I am sure they are happy to be an ear for you


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## brighterlight

Guys, am I missing something? I know he still loves her but honestly, why is everyone hinting at him leaving - H*&LL no! She needs to be the one out the door. If tryingtocope can find her a place in FL for now, she needs to leave not him. Why is it that the H always needs to be one to leave - the quitter needs to be the one to leave; plain and simple.

tryingtocope, I know its hard, I went through the same thing but she did the leaving although it was short lived. After 30 yrs of marriage and 30+ years of being together (high school sweethearts also) she just out of the blue said she didn't know how she felt anymore. She was also going through menopause.

Anyway, bottem line is that YOU did not ask to quit your marriage nor did YOU cheat. All you did was dedicate your life to her and your repayment is a "I don't know anymore!" I say no way you leave - she does. And furthermore, once she leaves - get yourself looking better than ever, physically and after some time to grieve, you will feel better. See a counselor pull yourself together. You will not be depressed the rest of your life. I am almost certain that once you cross that bridge and get over the sadness you will think long and hard before taking her back.

I know I sound mad and I am, I don't know why our loved ones do this to us. I think it's just a matter of them wanting to have some alone time but honestly they succeed in hurting us deeply by leaving rather than just lovingly asking for time off - in many cases that is all it would take and it would not devastate the other partner.


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## tryingtocope24

Thanks brighterlight
It is crazy I know, we own a condo a block away from our house that is empty,She say she will not go there because she would be abondoning her kids. Thats exactly what she plans to do in june. Yes, she quit not me I would talk to anyone, go anywhere, do anything to make things work. But I told her if we stop this crazyness our marriage has to be a lot different than it was. Way more comunication. What bothers me the most right now is she went to friends when she felt she was falling out of love. Why did she not come to me when it started so we could do something to change it, not wait it she feels it is all gone. The counsler told her to tell the kids of the problem, she has to say it not me. Well it has been a week and she can not do it, she can tell me its over but she can tell them. I think once she crosses that bridge she know she went to far. We shall see what the coming days bring. Like forest gump said life is like a box of chocoletes, you just never know till you bit into one what you get.


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## brighterlight

tryingtocope, I feel bad for you, I'm sorry you or anyone else has to go through this. As for my case, my wife said she felt empty inside, that she still loved me but was not in love with me, she said she needed to think about what she wanted for her future. I really think she was just tired of the same old routine and of the same old me. So I went out and just worked on myself for ME. I got in shape physically, change my eating habits (can't really say diet), change some of my negative views on things (with a counselor) and just changed. The way I figured it was that if she wanted to come back to a different me that was great, if she decided to move on then that would have been fine too - I was prepared for that but it would have been her choice. Now, I did decide to myself that if she was to chose to leave me that it was going to be permanent - there was no coming back. My reason was that I felt that if she bailed on me after 30 yrs+ and 3 children then there was never really enough love she had for me and that isn't good enough for me. So I thought that if I was going to make the effort to change then, I was going to be happy either way but I wasn't going back; if she got bored with me once, she could do it again. Luckily, she saw what we had and came back.

I hope you are as lucky as I was but if not, then you will be all right - it'll just take time. Also, I was surprised how much anxiety exercise too away from me - I actually felt better about my situation after a work out. Anyway, I hope you can come out of this terrible time a stronger person.


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## tryingtocope24

brighterlight, thanks again for the uplifting words. I am feeeling better lately. Off the sleep meds. I like your plan, that is a route I can live with. She will be going up north for nov. and will also be there 2 weeks in dec. time for her and time for me and the kids. I truely think she needs a break like your wife. But we will have to see. I have changed myself greatly since this has all started, she is the one who is going backwards. I have to belive it is the indecition on her part. Like I told her lets fix it it won't be easy but the other side will be a lot worse for everyone.


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## tryingtocope24

brighterlight
I hope you are right and she comes back sooner than later, because the longer she is gone the harder it will be for us to heal. She is going away for Nov. to stay with mom and think and souls search. I am thinking after she said she was leaving from that piont she took a step back, and I have been pushing her away so she is losing that lifeline. Only time will tell. We comunicate via e-mail everyday even tho we live in the same house. I would love to reach out and hug her but I just won't go there for me and my feelings. What a screwed up world we live in, why are men and women wired so differently?


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## tryingtocope24

Now I am really confused. This site helps greatly putting my mind to words. My wife wants me to e-mail her with my thoughts she thinks it will help me get my feelings out. So I have been, no begging or sweet stuff just the thinks I know we both did wrong in our relationship. She says that if I have to do it everyday that that is fine. So the past few days when I can't sleep I put it in a word Doc. and e-mail the next day. Some of this stuff comes from real deep on how I feel and how she should have said something if there was a problem. Well tonight I sent one but forgot to attach the Doc. and she asked if I sent something and I said yes. She said nothing was there and could I go now and resend it. If she has made up her mind on leaving that why be so excited about a e-mail?


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## dobo

Maybe she's not set on leaving you.

Sometimes you have to push a relationship right to the point of breaking before you can get the other person to open their mind to change.

Just go with it. You've got zip to lose, right?


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## tryingtocope24

I really think she is on the fence, I tell her like it is, I don't beg or cry. I told her she has to come back because she wants to. I just wish we had a crystal ball and could see our future. The funny thing is if she leaves she loses the most I will be fine once i get over it but she is the one walking away from the kids and a husband that would do anything for her. For what because she lost feelings for me. Just work on it they will come back, it just won't happen if you don't try. Yes, getting a divorce would be the easy way to change things but I bet she won't be happy


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## Loving Husband

Dobo is right.. If she is looking for something from you she isn't set on leaving but wants change. She is trying to figure out where you stand in this marriage. Not how you feel only but what you see is going wrong.. This way you can tackle the problems together. Your thinking at it from a perspective thats different then hers right now.. She is bitter and hurt. She is only thinking of stopping that. Sometimes people who get like that don't think rationally. If you can with your emails ask for her perspective on the marriage. Maybe you can get an idea of the areas she needs improvement. It would be like a cheatsheet for you to work on..


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## tryingtocope24

Thanks guy's
I did not think of that, I really do think men and women are wired differently. Thats in the next e-mail.


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## brighterlight

Yip. Men and women are definitely wired different. You are doing the right thing by just following her lead on the emails for now. She does sound like she is on the fence and has not made up her mind to leave the marriage. LH's suggestion is right on the mark - ask her what she needs to be able to stay in the marriage. With my wife it was for me to change my negative view on things which IMO was just pessimistic views and it dragged her down. Funny thing is I turned pessimistic several years ago mainly becuase of her EA and PA; I guess I never really healed properly from that. Also, my weight gain (not any more) had some to do with her wanting out.

The point is that I got down to the bottom of why she said she was miserable and I fixed it. I fixed it becuase I was also was depressed by being to negative.

So it's a good sign that your W asked about the attachment at least she is still interested to some extent in your marraige.

Also, keep in mind that you are trying to appease a woman - not the same thing as a guy. With a guy you can sit down with a couple of beers, have a disagreement and he will forget your conversation 30 minutes later. With a woman you will have to go way deeper than that, you will need to see her side of an argument before you get OFFICIAL acceptance. She may agree to disagree but I guarentee you she will use it against you five years later. They are just wired different and you have to learn how to understand what they really want. Your communication skills need to be at their peak to be able to get your points across clearly and politely.


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## dobo

Women see the entire picture -- the way each puzzle piece fits into the whole. Everything is related to everything else and things need to make sense. 

I don't like the characterization that a woman will "use it against you" later -- I think it is more that the woman still sees the piece out of place and wants it put in properly so she can feel understood, safe and secure. It may seem like it is about you because you're the one preventing her from seeing her masterpiece completed, but it is really about whatever it is that is out of place.


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## Corpuswife

Most people aren't REALLY 100% sure about leaving. Sometimes they get pushed. Sometimes are really sure in cases of addiction/abuse/multiple affairs. 

You are right...when the other spouse is searching for happiness it usually doesn't happen with others. It had to happen within themselves. She needs to soul search and really the NOV. space will be perfect to do that. Don't be fearful of it creating more distance. In fact, this will be your chance to shine when she comes back.


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## tryingtocope24

Thanks to all your replys have helped me greatly. I communication skills can not be better ( I think ). I have gone really deep and said things I might have never said. She know how I really feel about her on all aspects. She has some self-image problems Yes, she is over weight, I can deal with it because I love her. The problem is when she gains a little weight she gets depressed then gains more. SHe eventually gets motivated and loses some. Then if I say something she gets defensive and says don't say anything. She was hevey when we meet and she will alway be heavy that is not an issue. Her health and depression is. But I can't ever say anything about it or I am in the dog house. Now she really knows how I feel so that will be put to rest.
The letters help me get things off my mind and allows me to ask important question like the ones you suggested. But I never get a reply. All I get is the usual I plan on doing this but I will soul search next month or two to make sure, I am sorry I am putting you thru this ect.
The counsler told her she had to tell me and then the next day she told us we needed to tell the kids. My wife told me we would do it together and she would explain it is her decision and I did not nor did they cause this. That was two weeks ago. Still she has not said anything. I question that in the letter and no reply again. I got the I am to negitve speach in April and have corrected that issue, no she is negative about may things. Main our chances of fixing this, her anser is what if ten years from now I am still not happy. Well, I think if you think positive things will be positive. Think negitive and it will be negitive. Then the other day she was making up bags for a event for school and someone did not like they way she was doing it. Her reply to me was "well then maybe they won't ask me to do it next year" Thats fun I thought to my self is'nt she moving north in June?
Yes, I do think she is on the fence, I just hope someone else is not pulling her. She say no and I will beleave her till I have proof. But if you are on the fence then reply to my letters so I can answer any question she may have about our future instead of looking at the past becuase our future will be a lot differant. It is painful to live with someone that you love so much but they look at you like a stranger and would rather talk to the dog than me.
Corpuswife, you have replyed to many of my posts I thank you for that. When you say it will be my turn to shine what do you mean?


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## dobo

I think it wouldn't be out of line to tell her that you've answered enough of her questions and now it is time for some reciprocity. Fair is fair. If she can't do that then perhaps she has already given you her answer.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself during this process. It can't be all her way. It doesn't work for either of you in the long run.


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## tryingtocope24

I agree fair is fair but we try not to make waves. I have not answered any question of hers, she has not asked any I wish she would maybe I could figure out where she stands. Everything I put to paper was my feelings and where I think things went wrong. Also things I found out that she said to her mom about my thoughts. Which were way off. So I cleared that issue up. I said nothing that I could not follow thru with. I just don't want to start waves with someone that is on the fence. She wants to be happy and everyone else does tot. even if I am not in here like I want her to be happy, But odds are she will not be happy if she leaves me and the kids and moves to another state. Only time will truly tell. I ahve come to the conclution that I will get thru this yes it is hard but time will heal me. For her I really don't know and that is sad.


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## dobo

Just how well has this not making waves thing worked out for you thus far?


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## tryingtocope24

It is so scary to think that getting tough with them will make them want to come back. Just back back for a school function completely ignored her. Went and got dinner sat down by myself and she found me and sat with me. Then I packed stuff up to go while she stayed till the end and she gives me a pat on the back and says thanks for the help. What help? That is the first time in 12 days she has touched me. Go figure


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## Loving Husband

We all need physical attention.. It's probably starting to get to her. The lack of any affection does that. My wife and I had sex through our process cause it built up too much.. Getting them to see themselves takes a while. Do not expect her to snap out of it one day and see what she needs to do. It will take constant work on your part and continue to stay on course. I have with my wife and last night we broke ground. Took almost 3 months from the day this started to get here.


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## brighterlight

ttc, if she doesn't ask you questions and you don't get answers you will never know where you stand and what needs to be worked on first. You are not a mind reader. If you don't get her to ask you you don't have a chance to fix what is really broken and you will be wasting your time. There is a subtle caring way to ask questions and a wrong way to ask questions. If you ask correctly, you may get your answers but I really don't see you fixing anything without answers from her. It's been said many times over on this forum - men are not mind readers; she needs to talk whether it's with you alone or with a counselor and you. If she does not want to do any of the above then unforetunately as dobo said; she has already given you your answer.


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## Loving Husband

brighterlight said:


> ttc, if she doesn't ask you questions and you don't get answers you will never know where you stand and what needs to be worked on first. You are not a mind reader. If you don't get her to ask you you don't have a chance to fix what is really broken and you will be wasting your time. There is a subtle caring way to ask questions and a wrong way to ask questions. If you ask correctly, you may get your answers but I really don't see you fixing anything without answers from her. It's been said many times over on this forum - men are not mind readers; she needs to talk whether it's with you alone or with a counselor and you. If she does not want to do any of the above then unforetunately as dobo said; she has already given you your answer.


I knew you were going to say that..


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## wantosaveit

Just give her that time while she is away - my husband left me for the 10th time this year - said he couldnt see it any clearer before he left - so once he left i did some research - i in the past have begged and pledded and its worked short term - but this time i tried a diff approach - i am picking myself up being happy and enjoying the time (Not really but it sounds good to him) i have found one thing out through all this i have some very supportive and genuine friends (I was embarassed to tell them till this time) lots of people are going through this - behind closed doors - not many marriages are perfect. Anyway I didnt respond to his text messages and now after 4 days he rung and wants to work it out when he comes home - I think it is that he realizes i can live without him and that has hurt him - I am still preparing for sep and it will be a slow road back but this time i am not giving in - he needs to support us money wise etc - i am a stronger person becasue of this and i hope ou will draw strength - i find even ringing the phone counsellors who dont know you and blurting it out for 10 minutes helps - lift you spirits - you are there for your children - do things with them and enjoy life - we do live in the lucky country . Also with the tablets if they are not for you why not try other things meditation yoga courses life enrichment stuff- we are so good at given advice to others - CHIN UP AND STAY STRONG


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## tryingtocope24

Thanks for all your support, I got my answer today. I said what she is doing does not make sense. She has no plan on what she is going to do. I said the only thing that does is if there is someone else. I have asked many times and always got a i would never. Well hell has frozen over folk's. She finnaly admitted that there is a person she is talking to from back in school 30 years ago. I a fairly sure how it is by checking cell phone records ( i tought she was smarter). She gives me a 10% chance So I will call the lawer in the morning to get things started. It is funny she always told me if I cheated that I should not come home but when the shoe is on the other foot itis a different story.
She still plans on staying in the house while my dd finished high school in june then make the move. I say hell no her mom has a empty condo a block away. I built this house with my two hands I am not leaving. Now that I have such a slim chance and am a little angry I do feel better. It's funny how someone will leave a good Marriage? and go to someone who has been married before and think that they have no issues. What is this guy thinking to break up a marriage doesn't he think if she is not happy she will leave him too. I have a few great friends that I can lean on and will. What upsets me the most is a good friend said she would not be doing this if she did not have someone else and I got upset and defened her and stopped talking to them now I am the jerk.


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## knortoh

Sorry to hear your very sad news.
You know it will go nowhere don't you? It's all in their heads etc...
Hey you are not a jerk. Not at all. You defended your wife. That's noble....
why can't our spouses just be straight with us?
take care of yourself and get ready for the twists and turns to start ...I'll bet you are worth a lot more than 10% - I went from 10 to 70% in a few weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## tryingtocope24

I just found out she just took 5k in cash out of safe. NICE. Well it is always about the money. I don't think I can ever trust her now. I was really trying to be fair. I guess it is better to loved and lost than stay one more minute the this crazy Bi$%h. She has become someone completely different the past few weeks and now I know why. I say good luck to the two of them. I am moving on and will be better off. Don't know if I could ever be married again only time will tell. I know to may people who are commited but never marry and work harded on the relationship because they have too. This is all my wifes fault, if she was unhappy than she should of said something, she did not so I did not know if anything was wrong. 

OK what twist and turns shouls I be prepared for?


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## knortoh

Well, my guess is that as it has all been fairly impulsive that she will be in at least two minds (and maybe more) which just means that she may try and come back...or at the very least sweet talk you to try and get her way about how things go...be prepared for many more of those "I can't believe she has just done that moments".....if you have read through some of the posts on here you'll probably see what I mean...sorry...
you sound quite clear at present but I am also guessing that you are currently in shock - and have adrenelin running through your system -


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## Loving Husband

You are going to see a lot cause lust never lasts. She will run with the lust right now but once it runs its course she will be left with the mess that has been created. Then only then will the forks in the road be clear as to which way to go. I would really hesitate on the lawyer right now. I would seperate and see how space works. Once a lawyer involved cash is and that can be more reasons not work things out. Can you tell me if she cheated on you yet?? I saw you said she was talking to an old friend but I didn't see an affair happened.. I would though kick her to the curb and have her out of teh house. Her mess.. Her to figure out.. I would be your marriage is far from over though.. You'll be surprised how things change.. You have so many years together and those are not whiped away by aan old flame..


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## dobo

Move all of the money to another account. 

Damn her. 

I'm really sorry to hear this. We were all so desperate for it to be her mental condition... and it may still be, you know? 

Are you going to call the jerk?


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## tryingtocope24

dodo no i won't call because it will just cause more problems. She found out today she has three very large fibroid tumors in her uterius that have to be removed. I had to go to dr. first thing because my heart was racing and bp was 168/108 yickes.
Dr. gave me bp meds and anti anzity meds to sleep.
she grabed the money because she was afraid i was going to a lawer and not a mediator like we talked about before. i would not do that. She really has a negitive opinion of me now and i know who i can thank that for. We did have a long talk about her plans and lack of. She said she has to do this for her if it don't work it is her mistake. you know i understand her point if you don't try you will always wonder what if? I told her i will help her with her plans so it really is a plan and not just a stumble thru the days. It seams like every time we get to the point to give up we step back who know where we will go from her. I will be in touch.


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## Loving Husband

Just work on yourself. Worst case you will be a better man for the next relationship. Best case she will want to work on it. As I said things change a lot. What is today will not be tomorrow. Women are very funky creatures. There emotions can change in the drop of a hat.. I was told when a women gets like yours you believe 1/4 of what they say and 1/2 of what they do.. I really believe this cause they let emotions dictate their actions.. Just hang in there.. We are all here for you..


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## dobo

Will you stop helping her? Jesus. If she wants a different life, then let her create it on her own. 

You give nice guys a bad name. You're not a nice guy. You're a doormat.

Also, have her give that money back.


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## tryingtocope24

Hello all
We have decided to let the kids know there are some issues with us and we are working on them, nothing they have caused we both love them and are doing our best to resolve things. We will agree to seperate for a time not decided yet she will move north and live with mom ( who thinks she is making the biggest mistake of her life)
try to find a job and survive. I wish her luck but it is going to be hard. If she comes back I want her to come back because she wants to be with me not for the security. It will also show her how hard I have worked to pay off both our homes and give then everything they always wanted. I work my tail off and i got this mess. She will have a lot of work to do if/when she comes back.
You know the money is not the issue it is the act that pissed me off
She has been talking this week about financial stuff which she knows nothing about ( she does not even balance the check book)
so she is being coached by friends that have been thru it. Just because they themselves or there spouses raided the bank acccts. does not mean I will. I have not done anything to betray her trust. I am taking the high road she is the one using there advice and taking the low road. The funny thing is we are getting along better the past few days than we have in many weeks. Maybe its because I support her plan I dont know. But it looks good for the kids and shows then not to just give up when there is a problem. I am in a better place now than I have been in a long time.


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## tryingtocope24

What a roller coaster, She decided not to tell the kids this past weekend. Then continued to tell me she was not going to leave in June because she can not leave our son. I said then lets work on us, her reply was I have to fix me before I can fix us. So She wants to seperate for a while and see where it goes. Her idea of seperate is I leave pay the bills and come for dinner everynight. My idea is we dont talk unless there is a problem with the kids. Who's right?
I think she change her plans because I came up with a workable plan for her and it was not her plan.


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## Loving Husband

Your right.. You can not help her see the picture with you there. Do what you say your going to do. Seperate and only discuss kids when need to.. She needs to go and discover herself. The longer she waits the longer it will take. With her doubting now is the time to push her out the door. I know it sounds cold but it might snap her out faster knowing she is losing control of her plans.


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## dobo

You want to remain in the house (I agree) and not talk... That won't be easy or workable, probably. The tension will still be very high and you need to lower the tension between you in order to work on the marriage.

She wants you to leave (I don't agree). She should leave.

What kind of "fix herself" is she talking about? Did you ask her? What steps would she be taking? When?


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## tryingtocope24

She says she is not happy? I think she is saying that she feels she never had a say so in our marriage and if that is the case she has had blinders for a long time. She controled the household But I made the money. She wants to see if she can do it on the own. Good Luck she will find out real soon that life is a Bitc$ and things have been real easy for her up until now. I think she is right at that point that Is going to make me give up for good. I think yesterday I can to the realization that I am done trying and will move forward in ending the marriage before it ruins me. I no longer trust her with anything she says she lies on a daily basis so there is nothing more I can do. Yes it would be best for her to leave but she says she will not. I can not live here and watch her destroy her life so I will most likely go. I have many places to stay and My son probably would want to stay there also. thats my plan we will have to see. She wanted to seperate and I thought it was not a bad idea for a awile but now I think just ending it will be best so I lose the liability issues that she may create as she destroys everything she has.


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## tryingtocope24

Wow What a month it has been. It seems like the past month has been a year of ups and downs. I shocks me to see this person that I love to my core do the things she is doing to me and I have come to the conclution she has no idea she is doing it. Last monday i sent an email telling her i knew she was smoking agian after 17 years and she was take all the wrong paths to finding herself. She is hanging out with friends that are worse train wrecks than herself and she will end up just like them or worse very soon. I told her i needed a few day to think and i would talk to her on Wednesday. She replyed that yes smoking was the dunbest thing she could ever do and she would quit this week she did it once and wil do it again she said. But she wanted to know why i needed two days to think she wanted to know what she did. Why because in three days she was leaving for the month to go see family. I finnaly hit that point where i said enough was enough. I listed 3 pages of pain she had put me through in the past 7 months since the ilybianilwy speach.
Her reply was in need to be alone and maybe a seperation would be best. I left for two days she said to stay till she left on thursday so i did.
Tuesday i get a text a 6pm asking if i want to come for dinner?????
I was in town picking up rx and was not availible so i did not go. Then she textes back telling me she would be gone in the afternoon the next day so if i needed to get something i could at that time. Then that night, the night before she left for up north she calls again and asks if i am around becuase she is snezzing and askes if i would come and change the a/c filters. Yes i did and gave the kids a hug and we went over the kids school stuff a couple akward hugs and i left. She said she would be leaving at 8:30 in the morning. At 8:25 i get the i locked myself out and i need to get my rx's can you come and let me in. She was stressed out and ran in and out as fast as she could and away she went.
I read a book this past week How to survive your wifes midlife crisis.
It has put everything in perspective for me I now understand what is really going on, it fits her exactly. She wants something but she has no idea what it is. She thinks i am holding her back from what ever it is that she needs or wants. I helped me a lot and i told her that and i told her that. She does not belive in counsling and the self help book thing and will not read the things i have tried to give her. She in her mind is not broken and does not need to be fixed and gets defencive when you do try to help. I told her about the book and she asked if i could send it to her. I sent it the day she left and told her not to call or email till she read it all the way thru. I have not heard from her since and it could go two was either she reads it and understands it is a life thing and we can get thru it or she will say it is all bs. either way she will pick up things in the book and will not forget them and hopefully she will make some possitive changes and not the bad ones she has been making.
I told her if she needs to leave i understand but i do not want her to go, it is up to her she has to make that decision herself. I told her just because i am not with you does not mean my feeling have changed i am jst giving her some space. Has anyone been in a situation simular to this and how long can this period last. I kills me to stand back and not try to help, I miss her something horrible and she has only been away two days. I am not going to call or email unless it is something important about something other than us.
Just would like to know if i am in for a few months or another 7 months or a year for the phase in her life.


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## tryingtocope24

two days still no email, starting to wonder if it is party time or she is really soul searching like she said she was going to do. I think I am starting to prepair myself for the worse so if it happens I am ready for it. I just wish I had a crystal ball.


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## Loving Husband

Just relax.. Let her go through the motions in her head. She will wake up eventually. This state can't last. This is the best thing for her. My wife went through this a few times. blaming me for her life not being fulilled enough. Now we are working on her. Back in the marriage but now shes working on her issues. Give it time.. She has a battle to win in her head..


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## tryingtocope24

I really hope that is it, I see signs that she is conflicted and does not want to be like she is now. Does not want me to be this unhappy. Says she is sorry for putting in thru the pain. But will still be untruthful when all I ask is the truth. I really think she needs someone to help her but she will not listen to anyone or so she says. I have lost the abilty to trust her. I will take a lot to get that back at this point. I know right now in her mind I am the enemy and I am the cause of her unhappyness. Hopefully when her foggy glass clear she will see I would do anything for her. The funny thing is up until last week I would drop what ever i was doing to do something for her. Today I was in a store and saw something she asked for last week and looked at it and said to myself if she wants it she can get it. I have never been like that. Yes she is away for a while but still usually I would have gotten it anyway. The antisipation of waiting for the email to see what she is thinking is killing me. I just have to expect the worse and hope for just a little positive news. I think she wants the life that she hears about in the songs and moives the funny thing is i thought thats what we had. Go Figure Loving husband I thank you for your replys you are positive enough with out blasting the wife I have loved for 30 years where some others have said just give up. Thank you


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## tryingtocope24

Earlier this year all our troubles started when my wife co-worker passed away quickly from cancer and she started to look at her own mortality. She contacted old friends from grade school and had a reunioin this summer. It was both male and female and she was glad to see all her old friends. We live 1200 miles away from our home town now. She goes to visit family and old friends now as my past posts show. I know she was talking to a male friend about our problems and she say he was helping he because he had been thru it twice. 
She went up last week so we can spend some time apart so she can find herself? She will be up there all month and staying with her mom. I get a short email today telling me if I check the cell phone logs ( she knows i have in the past ) that there will be a lot of calls at odd hours becuase the friend had a massive heart attack sunday and passed last night. At 48 that is really sad and i did not know him that well her mom says she is really sad and keeps asking why so young. I hope she realizes what she has and life is short. 
Do you think this will make it worse?


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## Loving Husband

Death seems to be a way of putting reality back. It's a way of saying the problems could be worse. You could be dead. Makes you think the issues are not worth as much as what could be. It seems lke she needs space. Should could be reaching out to people to see if what she is going through is normal. Sometimes people need to hear and see it from others before they realize it's not major. Just make sure there are no signs from another guy in the picture. That would make it a lot harder..


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## tryingtocope24

Loving I think you are in line what I am thinking, She says no other man but I am not 100 % sure. At least there is one less I need to worry about. Sorry for that but it is true. RIP. Definatly not a physical relationship. I am thinking that she has been misdignosed by her dr. I have been looking at past blood panels and her thyroid numbers are high and low which is a problem and can explain just about everything. Now how do I tell her she may have a problem?


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## Loving Husband

Trying you can't.. Anything you say will come across as something wrong with her in the relationship. It's not a good thing to do. Trust me I did it nad only bad happens.. Your going to have to be quiet on that part and et the Dr help her.


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## knortoh

trying hang in there - it is her crap - it really is and you can't help her sort it out - look out for your self - this isn;t being selfish - she will take as long as she takes ...


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## D8zed

You are such a "nice guy"! Uh oh....

Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books


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## tryingtocope24

17 Year old daughter and I talked yesterday and she asked about the thyroid thing because they are studing it in school right now. She looked at the symptoms and said thats mom!!!!
Yes she needs to get things looked at and I think it is the daughter that will be telling her not me, she will listen to her and not be threatened.


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## Loving Husband

Yes better from the child..


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## tryingtocope24

Not sure how comfortable she will be with it. She does understand what is going on and understands the symptoms. I think there needs to be a sit down with the three for us and show her all the information and see where it goes from there. I know for years she has thought she has had the problem but never looked it up. She just went to the dr. and they did the test and said things were in "range" . But now that range has changed and they just don't want to spend the time. Will she go to a specialist? All i can do is show her who in in our network and give her the numbers. I would think she would like to feel better if she can remember what that feels like.


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## tryingtocope24

Daughter back out and did not want to get involved. So I sat down and talked about it. She seemed like she understood and agreed she had all the symptoms and that the blood work showed it too. But said I should not have to spend the money for a special blood test and that it will not make any differance with us because of all the damage that has been done. I still don't know what it was that I did?????
She keeps telling the kids and everyone else that she has not made any decision about anything yet. I am starting to think that she has and that it will be on her terms and time frame. Oh well not much I can do but protect me and the kids.
Also talked to counsuler and she said that the thyroid condition would be the exact cause of her actions. Good luck telling my wife that. I know I will not be trying that.


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