# He doesn't allow me to have friends...



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

My husband is very controlling but he likes to pretend he isn't . He is extremely religious to the point of being an extremist . i feel like I am trapped in a box ...he made it so I have no way to leave the house without his permission or to even use the phone without him ranting and trying to take it . He doesn't allow me to have gal pals and says that they will corrupt me or be a bad influence . He doesn't allow me to hang out with my siblings and if I plead enough and he lets me I have to constantly call and text him to check in. He says that women are to be seen and not heard and whenever I try to voice my opinion or speak up for myself he will throw bible verses at me about being a virtuous woman etc ...I was just wondering is it normal for a husband to dictate a wife's social life to the point where he makes her a hermit simply because he is one ? He has no friends and has shut his entire family out . He expects me to do the same . The more I try to pull away from him the more he pulls me in .


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope, not normal at all, at least for non-abusers.

Seriously, look it up -- isolation and exclusion are among the most common tactics utilized by abusers.

Abuser tricks and warning signs of domestic abuse. - New Hope for Women

I'd advise you to get out now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. This is not normal in a good, healthy relationship.

But this is what abusers do... they isolate their spouse so that they can control them.

How long have you been married? 
How old are the two of you?
Do you have children?


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Which sect/denomination/cult do you and him belong to?


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

Thanks for the link. I am going to read the information.


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

How long have you been married? 9 years 
How old are the two of you? I am 30 and he will be 30 in a few months 
Do you have children?We have 4

I don't think it is either , but he insists and his family backs him in everything. His father said his wife doesn't have friends either and he doesn't speak with any of his family members. They seem very weird to me and I always feel depressed because I cannot comfortably associate with anyone outside of him. I have a friend that has been close with me since elementary and h won't allow her to come over our house .he doesn't allow any of my friends to come over and I cannot go to see them because I can only leave if he comes with me . This morning he was saying he needs to talk to her and if she agrees to do things his way then he will see if she can be around. He always rants and raves and says he is more important than anyone and he can't believe I need or want to talk to anyone other than him and again insert multiple bible verses here ...Thats how he explains his logic. He is a Christian (Southern Baptist)


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Nope, not normal at all, at least for non-abusers.
> 
> Seriously, look it up -- isolation and exclusion are among the most common tactics utilized by abusers.
> 
> ...


Wow !!! Every single one of these is my everyday life. It has gotten progressively worse throughout the years . I have tried to speak to him about it and he shuts me down and says women are to be seen and not heard and he will start yelling and screaming at me . It has often gotten physical . The hardest part for e is getting out because he won't let me work, he controls all the finances, vehicles, and everything . i am basically at his mercy.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Confusedwife1south said:


> He is a Christian


No he isn't.


----------



## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

It's neither normal nor right to be treated in this way. You need to be very careful as your isolation will allow him to weaken you to the point of not being able to leave and you should think seriously about how to protect yourself. Do you want to live like this?


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

sadwife2012 said:


> It's neither normal nor right to be treated in this way. You need to be very careful as your isolation will allow him to weaken you to the point of not being able to leave and you should think seriously about how to protect yourself. Do you want to live like this?


No, I don't. I hate living this way and I don't like my children seeing me being treated this way. I don't want them to think this is normal. I am working on getting out. It is a slow process. I have to do things meticulously because I don't want things to be even more volatile than they are. He is not going to be happy about me getting out at all.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Confusedwife1south said:


> I hate living this way and I don't like my children seeing me being treated this way.


You need to get out ASAP!!! This man is an abuser and it could very likely (most likely) become physical. Your description is precisely how my wife's first marriage was when she was 18. The stories she has told me were horrific to the point where I have entertained tracking him down and beating him to a pulp.

Please get out now for your sake and the sake of your children.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he work? I'm wondering if there is any time of the day that he is not home watching you.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

What country you are living in? This is abuse not just controlling issue. 
You should get out of this marriage asap for your sanity sake. It is not healthy at all.
Run as fast as you can.


----------



## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

I think you need to make plans to leave. Is there someone who will be sympathetic towards your predicament who you can go to? You need to protect yourself as once you show signs of resistance and taking back control, his controlling and abusive behaviour is likely to escalate.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> What country you are living in?


I think OP did have "south" as her location, but now I don't see it?? That, couple with her mention of being Southern Baptist leads me to believe she's living in the "country" of Bob Jones University.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I was raised Southern Baptist...no one I know believed that was the biblical way to treat your wife. I also know there is a verse about men loving their wives as Christ loved the church.

Your H is full of crap and using religion to justify his bad treatment of you.

How long you tolerate it is up to you.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OP, you said he throws out the whole "virtuous wife" thing if you, basically, voice your opinion on anything. Has he actually READ that passage??? The gist of it is that a virtuous wife has a brain and is very capable of using it, capable of making rational decisions, and is praised and loved because she can do this! He is so far off base, it is scary. I suggest that you read that passage yourself (Proverbs 31:10-31).


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is abusive. You need to get out now. Your children should not be exposed to this - your sons will think it's acceptable to treat their wives that way, and your daughters will accept it from their husbands because they saw their mum accept it.

Once you start to take your power back, his will escalate - abusers do not like to lose control. You need to ensure that you and your children have a safe place to go. Make copies of all important papers and send them off site to be kept safe.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Confusedwife1south said:


> He is a Christian (Southern Baptist)


Are you also? His behaviour can be brought before the elders and church as per Matthew 18.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Talk to your family seriously about this.
When he lets you go out to them/ with them.. and he says you have to constantly call in or text in to him to check in... keep doing the "checking in"..

But talk to them. I'd bet you money, that they would not be surprised. Tell them you need help.... and plan to meet them at the grocery store, or something... when it's time to go.

I hope you live close enough to a larger city that have places to help wives in your situation.

I agree with others: "He is a Christian" is bull. Him spouting bible verses (mutilates their meaning)... does not make him a Christian. It gives him an excuse to be abusive. (Excuse in his own mind, not by society or religious acceptability standards)

Good luck. I am praying that you find the right friend to help you.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think OP did have "south" as her location, but now I don't see it?? That, couple with her mention of being Southern Baptist leads me to believe she's living in the "country" of Bob Jones University.


Yes, makes scene, how did I missed Southern Baptist part. That said, this is not a Afghanistan, so women have a equal rights here. More reasons for her to leave.


----------



## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

So how did this marriage happen?? You had to have known he was like this and you agreed to be with him anyway. This type of behavior doesn't happen over night.


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

sadwife2012 said:


> I think you need to make plans to leave. Is there someone who will be sympathetic towards your predicament who you can go to? You need to protect yourself as once you show signs of resistance and taking back control, his controlling and abusive behaviour is likely to escalate.


You are right and we have gone through this many times. I don't have any help which makes it even more difficult. My siblings are younger than me and still live with my mom . I have decided to start job hunting in other states and if an opportunity comes I will just leave , but I won't let him know what is going on.


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> OP, you said he throws out the whole "virtuous wife" thing if you, basically, voice your opinion on anything. Has he actually READ that passage??? The gist of it is that a virtuous wife has a brain and is very capable of using it, capable of making rational decisions, and is praised and loved because she can do this! He is so far off base, it is scary. I suggest that you read that passage yourself (Proverbs 31:10-31).


Thank you. He interprets it entirely different from that and his father is a preacher , but he says the same thing. One day he hit me in front of his dad and his dad said that a man is supposed to chastise his wife to make sure she stays on the right path and respects her husband. The whole thing is crazy and I can't take it anymore.


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

lilbitoluv said:


> So how did this marriage happen?? You had to have known he was like this and you agreed to be with him anyway. This type of behavior doesn't happen over night.


We got married very young. He had slight signs but he got progressively worse over the years . After the marriage everything escalated . He said before marriage he didn't have the right to be this way because he wasn't my husband.


----------



## Confusedwife1south (Aug 23, 2015)

Chelle D said:


> Talk to your family seriously about this.
> When he lets you go out to them/ with them.. and he says you have to constantly call in or text in to him to check in... keep doing the "checking in"..
> 
> But talk to them. I'd bet you money, that they would not be surprised. Tell them you need help.... and plan to meet them at the grocery store, or something... when it's time to go.
> ...


Thank you , that is an amazing idea. My family is well aware of what is going on. They don't know the full extent but they have a notion. He says that I shouldn't talk to them about anything , but I do. He says what happens in his house is his business. My mother confronted him and he lied to her and threatened her . She hasn't seen him in a year now. She refuses to come over our house. the problem I have is lack of transportation and then even if I try and go somewhere he will know because of the cameras in the house. He can find bible verses to support everything he says and does to me .


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

First off, how in the WORLD does he have a different interpretation for that passage?!?! It's plain and simple... very straightforward! 

Second, of COURSE he can find Scripture to back up his premise. People twist the words in the Bible ALL THE TIME! This is why I say you need to READ the Bible for yourself, so you are able to refute his fallacies.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> First off, how in the WORLD does he have a different interpretation for that passage?!?! It's plain and simple... very straightforward!
> 
> Second, of COURSE he can find Scripture to back up his premise. People twist the words in the Bible ALL THE TIME! This is why I say you need to READ the Bible for yourself, so you are able to refute his fallacies.


Refute his fallacies and then what? He will start accepting your interpretations? Truth is, the writings of the old testament are sometimes rather grim for wives. Instead of trying to have a debate with the husband about interpretations, OP, get out as soon as possible. 

Go to a shelter if necessary and document any physical abuse that has taken place. Starting your life over won't be easy, but still much better than living with a raving lunatic.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

He hit you? 

I told my H if he ever hit me, he had better make the first one count, because 
I would wait until that he was asleep and introduce him to the underside of my cast iron skillet.

Fortunately, my H is a REAL Christian man and treats him family accordingly. 

You need to start going to church meetings for women, your H may agree to that...make some friends that you can trust, and they can help you escape.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Confusedwife1south said:


> He says what happens in his house is his business.


Really??? What happens in HIS house is HIS Father's business. I've read the Bible. Regardless of how he wants to mangle the man being the head of the family, it says nothing about a man making his wife a prisoner and intimidating her/alienating her from family and/or friends. NOTHING.



Confusedwife1south said:


> My mother confronted him and he lied to her and threatened her . She hasn't seen him in a year now. She refuses to come over our house.


Look, I'm going to be serious here. Are you folks some part of a splinter sect that handles snakes? I'm not kidding. This is not mainstream Christianity. Not. One. Bit.



Confusedwife1south said:


> ...I have is lack of transportation and then even if I try and go somewhere he will know* because of the cameras in the house*. He can find bible verses to support everything he says and does to me.


Where does it say in the Bible that a husband will have surveillance cameras in his home to track his wife's whereabouts? Why are you putting up with this insanity and having babies with this lunatic?

Call the local domestic violence hotline, get a van to pick up you and the kids, and go live in a shelter. It has to be preferable to being a prisoner with this nut.

What would happen if you stood up to him and told him to f*ck off? Would he kill you? Would he kill the children? Seriously, why is everyone so freakin' scared of this man? 

Get out, as in yesterday. Just get out. Cut your losses.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Totally agree you need to get out now. NOW. It will not be easy at all, and don't expect it to be. But, it will eventually get better.


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I have had enough of these whimpy a$$ patient threads while her husband continues to abuse her. 

WAKE UP PEOPLE

OP you are a battered woman. Your husband is a criminal. Grab some necessities and go to a battered woman's shelter right now. 

The shelter will help you get rid of that piece if $hit and keep you safe. 

For all of you passive responders, get a clue. Your conservative advice is dangerous to the point of being lethal


----------



## cvd (Aug 20, 2015)

I was a social worker and know something about your situation. Can you contact an abuse hotline? They will have information of who in your area can help you AND your children escape this abusive situation. Your husband and his father are calling their behavior Christian but it is just an excuse to abuse their wives and family and it may have been going on for generations so it is not going to stop...it'll only get worse. Please believe me! 

You need to take your children with you because this kind of thinking means your husband will emotionally and physically abuse the children too..."spare the rod, spoil the child" crap. What is also extremely common with these kinds of men is child abuse. Sorry but I had to tell you that. You can not leave your children there. They may have already been abused but are too scared to tell. They are trapped like you. 

A person on the abuse hotline can have someone help you set up a plan for escape. They have done this millions of times and know how to do it. There is special housing that is kept secret where you and the children can live while they help you find work and housing. There are social services especially designed to help abused women and their families. Once you are out of that situation then your family may feel safe enough to help. The fact that your mom was threatened and backed off tells me how serious this situation is.

If you find it hard to do it for yourself - do it for your children. Keep that in your mind even if you are terrified. Right now tell your mom and all other adult members of your family everything that has happened to you. Do it today. Why? Because your husband and his father are betting that you are too embarrassed or scared to tell and that's one of their ways of controlling the situation. But you can break this bond of secrecy. I am a mother and I would want to hear the whole truth no matter how awful it is. Tell. NOW. This will also help your family to know how serious things are so they can effectively help you get out. Don't wait to tell. If I were your mom and heard what is happening I would tell the rest of the family so we would join forces to get the money and resources you need to get out. Please tell your mom!

So in a nutshell...call an abuse hotline and talk with your mom. Don't worry about finances or how you will survive. What is most important is your safety and the safety of your children. Once you are out and if your husband tries to threaten you with financial ruin or taking the children from you or whatever remember that the court system will support you. If your husband has been abusing the kids physically or emotionally the court system will award you custody and he will have supervised visitation rights. Be brave! Abusers do their stuff in secret but once the truth is known the system supports the victims and not the abuser!


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP, do not waste one more minute. Leave right now with your kids. If you can't, call 911.
If your coward poseur Christian of a husband gets 1 whiff of you thinking about leaving, the consequences will be dire.

There are agencies that can help you. My local ywca helped me formulate an escape plan and even rounded up grant money to help me move. It can be done. There are people whose jobs focus on helping abused people escape. Please utilize those resources. NOW. do not let this be a way of life for your kids. Your H is poison.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Be very careful when you leave. Many times the abuser will kill the victim when the victim tries to leave & take the children. You should probably seek legal advice.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Emerald said:


> Be very careful when you leave. Many times the abuser will kill the victim when the victim tries to leave & take the children. *You should probably seek legal advice.*


Yes, after she leaves and gets herself and her children to safety.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your family to help you line up a place to move to. Borrow money from them; line up a job near them. Once that's done, ask them to drive to your house when he's not at home and pick you and the kids up and just LEAVE. And tell the police that he's abusive and may be coming after you to hurt you. Tell them BEFORE you leave or at least on the way out so they have it recorded.


----------



## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

I agree with the other posters that say you need to leave. I just want to add that it is not such a good idea to leave the state with your children. I have a friend who did that (to escape an abusive husband & go to her family) but because she could not prove in court that he was abusive & she took their children out of state away from him, they took her children from her & gave them to him because they said she was the one who couldn't be trusted. It is totally messed up, but it happened. So be careful with that.


----------

