# Just need to vent



## pmh (Nov 23, 2008)

I've been married 16 months and it's not good at all. It's not the first marriage for either of us and we are falling apart. We average 2 big fights each month and I know they are all my fault - how can they be - he tells me so. The most recent last last night (continuing to today). I was home alone, cleaning and had the tv on a channel that I was listening to/watching as I worked. He comes home, grabs the remote and changes the channel. No biggie, I got to another room and am watching tv. He comes in, asks why I am in there and I told him it was because I was watching something. From there it has escalated to how I stay mad, that he does nothing right, that I need to file for divorce, and that I stopped to visit on my way home for a half hour with a divorced friend that is building a house (never mind that he had stopped to have a few beers with a friend of his). I'm at my wits end. Seriously, he has me believing that I'm horrible, that I do nothing right and that I'm worthless. I just had to vent becuase I have no one to talk to. If I leave, I admit I'm a failure (which I've known for the last 18 years). I know I'm not good at much, but I'm not totally worthless. I try to do well for my family, I try to work hard, take care of this home, and remodel the house he owned prior to our marriage. I don't blow money on myself, I never eat lunch out, but I just can't do enough.

Thanks for listening, I just had to get it off my chest


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

pmh said:


> If I leave, I admit I'm a failure (which I've known for the last 18 years). I know I'm not good at much, but I'm not totally worthless. I try to do well for my family, I try to work hard, take care of this home, and remodel the house he owned prior to our marriage. I don't blow money on myself, I never eat lunch out, but I just can't do enough.
> 
> Thanks for listening, I just had to get it off my chest


you are a failure, and you've known that for the past 18 years??? don't kid yourself! you made it through those 18 years!
seriously, let's fix that. sit down with pen and paper by yourself. start writing down things you have done, from elementary school on... document your accomplishments, including learning to read, a sport you enjoyed, etc. 

then point to those things and remind yourself you have not failed.

that's a terrible burden you are putting on yourself.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are not worthless, your husband is controlling and Manipulating you so that your self esteem takes a toll. If you want to save the marriage you need a councilor now.

draconis


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## pmh (Nov 23, 2008)

as I go back and read, it appears that I think he is horrible. He's not. He's a good man, has many many good qualities. I have a very low self esteem (obviously) and have for a long time.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

pmh said:


> as I go back and read, it appears that I think he is horrible. He's not. He's a good man, has many many good qualities. I have a very low self esteem (obviously) and have for a long time.


did you not say "he has me believing i am horrible, that i do nothing right, and that i'm worthless."???? i think there are some assumptions that can be made from that. and i think draconis is right. counselling for you individually at least.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

OK, call HIS bluff! Tell him you're filing for an annullment, or a divorce. See what his reaction is...

You are NOT worthless! You are your own person, as he is his. HE has issues that you both need to communicate with each other about. Try couples counseling. If not that, try individual counseling. HE is the wrong one here.

Marriage is a partnership...NOT a one sided activity (or lifetime). He's fu.king up royally. Call him on that issue.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pmh said:


> I was home alone, cleaning and had the tv on a channel that I was listening to/watching as I worked. He comes home, grabs the remote and changes the channel. No biggie, I got to another room and am watching tv. He comes in, asks why I am in there and I told him it was because I was watching something.


You need to work on your boundaries and how to stand up to him. That will require you to discover your own worth, though. He's not going to validate it for you. These fights get so ugly b/c there's a lot of unstated needs between the two of you being played out in passive aggressive ways. 

For example, today my H and i were unpacking groceries. I wanted to give a rib bone to the dog and my H says, "We need to finish unpacking these first." Luckily we have both done boundary books together so when i looked at him and said calmly, "Hunny I can give this to the dog right now, if i want to." He can understand that any anger he feels is his problem, and i can understand that any anger he feels is his problem. i can do what i want to do without feeling resentful and bitter or responsible for his mood swings.

Start reading about boundaries and how to say "No" without it getting into a full blown fight. And do some self help books to gain some self worth. that will mellow out your fights, too.


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