# Ive reached emptiness



## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

I'm new here, and only read a few things. So I guess I just say what I think. Thing is, I don't really know what to think anymore. I feel empty. It just all of a sudden happened one day. I've been angry, irritated, frustrated, etc. for a long time now. Last summer I went to the hospital thinking I was dying just to be told it was anxiety. Chest pain, breathing struggles, headaches,... you get the point. I feel guilty for being unhappy. I feel like I owe my husband to be happy. I have one biological daughter and 4 step daughters that hate me to no end (they have not only said this countless times, but also proven it over the years). I used to bottle things up and hurt myself and smile at him and he never knew the difference. I wanted him to be happy. And the only way I could do that was to pretend to be happy and continue to be a "good wife". Took care of all the kids, cook all the meals, prepare his lunches, say yes to sex as much as possible, stopped talking to a lot of friends because he "preferred" I didn't have contact with them. But I had a diary. And I have always had severe trust issues (bad childhood) and even before marriage he promised me upside and down he would never ever ever betray my trust and dig into my private things. Especially my diary. It is the only place I could ever be me. Be angry. He read it from cover to cover less than 2 years into our marriage. I have now gone 3 years without being able to write because I know that he will read it again if he finds it. I have no place to vent and let loose. So I have tried and tried to be happy and be there for him, be as good a wife as I can. Never cheated. Never gone behind his back. Until I talked to an old friend the other day (a woman) that I am not "supposed" to talk to. I feel guilty because he would be angry for knowing I talked to her. And I am just tired. I have given up. I feel nothing but sadness. I just stare off into space the last few weeks. The only other emotion I feel is anger. I did open up and start talking to him about my feelings and emotions. Explained the best I could why I felt what I did. For the last 3 years. He still has no idea, says things like "well I don't know what's wrong because you never tell me". And I've just had it. It's been the same problems for the last 5 years and still he hasn't a clue. Unless I walk around with a smile on my face and pretend to be happy, he gets moody and everyone has to walk on eggshells because he gets moody and snide, sarcastic and cynical and reprimands our daughter needlessly (she is 5). But he treats his other 4 a lot nicer. Any thoughts? I apologize for the length.


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

I have one biological daughter and 4 step daughters that hate me to no end (they have not only said this countless times, but also proven it over the years). 

i mean the 4 step daughters hate me. not my biological.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

There's only one solution for unhappiness and that is to either correct the situation or get yourself out of it. Perhaps it is time to put your foot down and start meeting your friends again. If the choice is for him to be unhappy or for you to be unhappy, you might as well concentrate on making yourself happy.


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

i guess, part of me is reluctant to give up, because it isn't going to change. but i am his 2nd wife, and his first wife took him for all she could, hurt him as much as she could, and keeps his kids from him as much as she legally can. i don't want to do that to him, but i fear he will retaliate against me because i am a very shy, easily frightened person and nothing like his ex who he just doesn't fight with because she is cold hearted and mean. and I can't be like that. any advice on how not to be afraid of making people mad at you? i get so scared to tell him things i know are going to make him angry that it makes me sick. im pathetic i know. and i think i know what i need to do. but then i think well maybe i am over reacting and wrong. maybe im being a b*tch.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

BigToe said:


> There's only one solution for unhappiness and that is to either correct the situation or get yourself out of it. Perhaps it is time to put your foot down and start meeting your friends again. If the choice is for him to be unhappy or for you to be unhappy, you might as well concentrate on making yourself happy.


For years I did whatever my H wanted. Don't talk to these friends - check. Discipline kids this way - check. Work here - check. Spend money like this - check. I went to IC, got strong and put down boundaries. I was being b!tched at regardless so what the heck! Either that or work on getting out. In my situation after a period where things got worse (he pushed and I pushed back), it's now better but still a work in progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

whatgivinguplookslike said:


> i guess, part of me is reluctant to give up, because it isn't going to change. but i am his 2nd wife, and his first wife took him for all she could, hurt him as much as she could, and keeps his kids from him as much as she legally can. i don't want to do that to him, but i fear he will retaliate against me because i am a very shy, easily frightened person and nothing like his ex who he just doesn't fight with because she is cold hearted and mean. and I can't be like that. any advice on how not to be afraid of making people mad at you? i get so scared to tell him things i know are going to make him angry that it makes me sick. im pathetic i know. and i think i know what i need to do. but then i think well maybe i am over reacting and wrong. maybe im being a b*tch.


If journalin helps - how about doing so on an anonymous blog?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

I can tell you this much... If your husband felt the need to read your diary, its because he was feeling like you're being more honest with it than him. He was trying to understand you. Keeping a secret diary is just that... A secret... What can you write in secret that you don't feel you can tell your husband? If you aren't sharing your inner-most thoughts and feelings, then you aren't telling him enough to understand. Diaries are fine. Writing feelings down on paper helps a lot of people. But if you're writing stuff you wouldn't want your husband to read then you're basically keeping secrets. You're preventing a healthy connection by not trusting him with your deepest feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

You've done all you could it seems to me..trying to be a great wife, mother, stepmom...you've tried and it isn't working so in comes the emptiness..you need to ask yourself if you want to live with that..it isn't giving up if you have tried..it's called knowing when to quit fighting a losing battle..you need time away from your current situation to clear your head and self-reflect,,who knows, you may love it but you will never know unless you try..maybe it will open your husbands eyes, maybe you will see you are not as in love with him as you thought or you can continue to wallow in the same situation forever..it is a choice for you to make and you alone..you need not worry about all the outcomes because the one you are in is tearing you apart already...and as far as a diary, there is nothing that says we can't keep a little of ourselves to ourselves..there has to boundaries in a marriage and not all secrets are bad nor deceitful and never let anyone tell you different.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

whatgivinguplookslike said:


> i guess, part of me is reluctant to give up, because it isn't going to change. but i am his 2nd wife, and his first wife took him for all she could, hurt him as much as she could, and keeps his kids from him as much as she legally can. i don't want to do that to him, but i fear he will retaliate against me because i am a very shy, easily frightened person and nothing like his ex who he just doesn't fight with because she is cold hearted and mean. and I can't be like that. any advice on how not to be afraid of making people mad at you? i get so scared to tell him things i know are going to make him angry that it makes me sick. im pathetic i know. and i think i know what i need to do. but then i think well maybe i am over reacting and wrong. maybe im being a b*tch.


The way to not be afraid of people being mad at you starts with realizing that you are being taken advantage of. Its even possible that this inability to come to terms with the fact that you deserve for him to work just as hard for your happiness as you do for him has actually allowed him to take advantage of you even more.

In cases like this, distance will sometimes give you perspective. Is there somewhere you can visit for a few weeks?

Some of the basic areas where you have to see your own self worth is in the area of his kids, and even your sex life. With the kids, if he actively loves you, he will not tolerate behavior that makes you feel hated. You deserve this. And sex should not be something that you feel like you have to give him, unless he is giving you sex that is not meeting your needs, like in intimacy.

Kindness and having a big heart will make you feel guilty for putting your foot down, obviously. Its only when you realize that you are being taken advantage of that you can so something about it, but you are thinking about it wrongly. Expecting a mutually fulfilling relationship is not an angry thought. Clearly communicating that need and expectation is a rational thought, and not 'being mean'. Somewhere along the line, you've come to see it as being mean to have expectations. Just treat it like a discussion of needs. Approach it without pointing fingers, and just say it. Say things like, "These are my needs ..." Ask him if he agrees with these needs as basic human expectations. If so, then you have something to work with that is not angry. If he disagrees, then it becomes obvious that 'he' is the one choosing not to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. He is being mean, and you have to decide what to do.


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

I would like to mention that as far as the diary goes, i DID tell him everything in there. He was angry about how mean and angry i felt because he didn't "understand". I had tried to tell him and every subject i wrote in there i mentioned to him at one point or another. and a diary is a private place for me to vent. otherwise, it would just be coffee table literature. in my opinion a marriage is still two separate people sharing a life. not having to become one person with only one personality and one set of feelings. i still need privacy. and the only place in my life that i (thought) had was my diary, a thing that he knew was sacred to me. but my point with the diary was, he made a promise and broke it, knowing how important it was to me.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

whatgivinguplookslike said:


> I would like to mention that as far as the diary goes, i DID tell him everything in there. He was angry about how mean and angry i felt because he didn't "understand". I had tried to tell him and every subject i wrote in there i mentioned to him at one point or another. and a diary is a private place for me to vent. otherwise, it would just be coffee table literature. in my opinion a marriage is still two separate people sharing a life. not having to become one person with only one personality and one set of feelings. i still need privacy. and the only place in my life that i (thought) had was my diary, a thing that he knew was sacred to me. but my point with the diary was, he made a promise and broke it, knowing how important it was to me.


There are opinions on both sides of the 'privacy' coin. Some on these boards believe in complete and full disclosure about everything, some are not. The point you are conveying is valid. Your husband knew you kept a private journal, and agreed to respect your wishes... and he did not. The trust is broken. This also happened to me. It had nothing to do with secrecy or hiding anything from him... it had to do with having a place to thoughtfully explore my own concepts, dilemmas, on my own. Some of what I wrote were issues that I had held in confidence with other family and friends. Once he read, I felt I had betrayed their confidence. What he accused and attacked me with after he read my journals was completely false.. he had no basis of context nor understanding. Not only did he lose my trust, but to me this was the gravest form of disrespect. I despise any form of spying, snooping, digging for dirt from others or tattle-tales... pure cowardice... especially when it is someone you love, and supposedly loves you.

My apoligies if this is coming off strong and blunt...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The difficulty with this is that you feel unhappy, but (as I man) after reading it, I have no idea what he could do to turn that around.

Is there a way for you to articulate what you want from him specifically?

For example, 

...I want to be able to choose my friends without grief from you
...I want to be told I'm beautiful and appreciated
...I want...

You get the idea.

Guys generally need specific direction. It may be that he doesn't want to meet your needs, but to me it sounds like he doesn't know how.


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