# Am I Having An Affair?



## marie52 (Feb 6, 2010)

I have a developed a crush on my personal trainer. We flirt with each other at the gym. We're both married and don't want to leave our spouses.

I thought this was some harmelss fun and has created a lot of excitement for me and I would think him as well.

This has been going on for about a month. There has been no sex or physical contact other than what trainers normally do in the gym. But he knows I am attracted to him and he says he feels the same..

We had a talk about this and agreed to keep it at the gym. Then he wanted to increase the number of days for training from occasional, to 4 times per week and now 5 times per week. I was ok with that..it was fun for me. I figured he was genuinely interested in helping me attain my workout goals.

We had a rather intense workout the other day and I could see that he was physically excited over it. He even called me afterwards to ask how I was feeling. he tells me that I look good, etc... and he makes me feel good about myself. He treats me like an athlete (sounds funny, but true)

So, I decided to ramp it up a little and I wrote him a short couple of verses filled with passion and desire. 

I thought he'd get a kick out of it........boy was I wrong.
It wasn't a filthy poem but a very passionate one...no 4-letter words or anthing like that. There was no professing of undying love and I never asked him to consider leaving his wife. It was just a little "discussion" of a fantasy.

I guess it was a big mistake and he seemed quite aggitated afterwards...even angry. I told him that my attention was not to upset him or cause anger...he said he wasn't mad.

Then he cut our workout short...patted me on the head...and left.

I thought I was just having a little flirty fun with him.... and now I feel like he considers this an affair.

Please don't tell me I'm a low-life or something along those lines..I have been with my husband 10 years and never looked at another man. This trainer is someone special and something just clicked with him...but I was trying to keep it under control.

So is this an affair?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

no I was in the same situation with a co worker I dont think its a affair. I think that people just get caught up and excited that people are paying attention to them and its new and fresh. I think that the best thing in this situation is just to start easing back cause you guys dont want to venture down that road its so messy. And never turns out good.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> So is this an affair?


Yyyyyyup.

Here is your litmus:

You are making a considerable investment of time and emotional energy into a relationship with a male, that isn't your husband.

Would you be comfortable discussing openly and honestly the full nature of the relationship with your husband? Would you show your husband the note?

When I tell you that continuing to see this trainer is a direct threat to your marriage and you need to stop, are you resistant?

This has crossed the line beyond flirty fun, by virtue of your asking the question; you already know the answer.

Proceed at your own peril.


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## marie52 (Feb 6, 2010)

I would never show my husband the note..he would lose it.

I resist cutting it off with him, because he is an excellent trainer and I don't want to kill that aspect of our relationship. He's been instrumental in helping me get where I want to be physically.

I believe I could continue the relationship as a friendship which is what I thought it was anyway, but I'm not sure about him.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

no you cant. are you kidding me there is no way you already admitted to liking each other so your being a fool to continue that road. and you will only hurt yourself.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I'm voting yes it was an emotional affair. You need to find a personal trainer. I've been there as well and I didn't cut it off and it lead to a PA.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

marie52 said:


> I would never show my husband the note..he would lose it.


Well there's your answer.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Yes, unfortunately, this is truly an affair. It's at the emotional level right now, but these things occur on a continuum - it will progress until your marriage is destroyed - or you call it off.

And that's not an easy task. But if your marriage means anything to you, you definitely need to take the steps necessary.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IF you don't show what you said to your trainer to your husband, YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Agreed. EA. If you can't share every detail with your H, get out of it. Or get out of your marriage. Are you ready for that? Don't be stupid. There a a million trainers our their. And he's probably doing this to more than just you. Get out and get real.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think no matter how people answer your question, the real question is how are you going to proceed from here?

If you drop him and find a new trainer then you've done the right thing. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high.

If you try to excuse your behavior, and continue to work with him, then you are going to ruin your marriage.

And I'm sorry - when you say you could see that he was physically excited - does that mean what I think it means? Hypothetical question only - don't answer.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

marie52 said:


> Then he wanted to increase the number of days for training from occasional, to 4 times per week and now 5 times per week. I was ok with that..it was fun for me. I figured he was genuinely interested in helping me attain my workout goals.


Did you have to pay more for the extra session a week? 

I think it was an affair because you would have gone farther had he not gotten upset. you took it one step further. in your heart you were willing to do more. so even though you never actually committed the act, your intentions were there.


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## marie52 (Feb 6, 2010)

yes visibly excited is what you think.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

marie52 said:


> I would never show my husband the note..he would lose it.
> 
> I resist cutting it off with him, because he is an excellent trainer and I don't want to kill that aspect of our relationship. He's been instrumental in helping me get where I want to be physically.
> 
> I believe I could continue the relationship as a friendship which is what I thought it was anyway, but I'm not sure about him.


Lets be clear here as well. He's a personal trainer. Chicks fall for these guys all the time. He's handsome and is paying you personal attention... women dig that stuff so hard. He's probably got like 4-5 married chicks giddy and wet over him every week. Then you "went crazy on him" and started writing love notes, which is about 5 minutes away from you having some dramatic blow up in the gym and getting him fired and divorced. You're basically scaring the crap out of him.

Also if you husband is remotely paying attention to you - he knows something is going on. He likely has no clue how to stop you from going after this other guy. The whole thing of having a personal trainer in the first place is probably making your husband very nervous. *Women fall for personal trainers like men fall for strippers.*

The solution is pretty obvious. You need to either find a new gym, or drop this relationship.

I can assure you though based on your trainers reaction to you. He is never going to have sex with you. Which is obviously what you wanted to happen. You're a customer, he just wants to get paid.


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## marie52 (Feb 6, 2010)

funny thing is...the guy doesn't charge me anything.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Doesn't charge you - and gets visibly excited?
Don't waste your husband's time. And don't waste my time. You are betraying your H with an inappropriate relationship that you can't tell him about. You are being untruthful. 

Oh, by the way, did you notice that your H was going to the gym to meet his personal trainer (she used to work at Hooters) oh, and he needs to go in extra early and be late for dinner because she has him on this special workout that requires am and pm workouts. Oh, and by the way, did he mention that he needs to go to Vegas with her for the special conference where special clients get to demonstrate how fabulous their personal trainer's course is?

How exactly would you feel if it were your H in your shoes? Would you even care? Perhaps you should walk away from your marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Buy a stairclimber for all the money you've saved and stop this affair.

Or let your husband know your personal trainer turns you on and works out with you while he has an erection.

Um, please, yo are really blowing it for the long term success of your marriage.


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## norajeanne (Feb 8, 2010)

Affairs usually started as a friendship develops from a special willingness to care for each other. It will start off innocently such as genuinely interested in conversation, expressed admiration that is sincere or providing exciting companionship. All these traits are present in your current situation.

Your feeling of attraction to your trainer is the way your emotions encourage you to spend more time with him because he treat you well. Since he make you happy, your emotions associate with happiness and you want to be with him.

I may be wrong but from what I read, you have unmet emotional needs. - the lack of attention from your spouse. 

Despite what everyone is advising you, you are in denial based on the answers you give.

You wrote a note to your trainer without your spouse's knowledge. That is lying. Please do not say that is privacy because privacy does not improve marriage. Honesty and openness does.

I hope you seriously look into the matter. Total separation is the right way to end it.

Get your spouse to exercise with you instead. Besides keeping fit, it is a good way for both of you to reconnect and re-bond.

Cheers


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

I'm getting the sense that you (Marie) are trying to protect this relationship with your trainer and turn it into something it is not. First of all, by saying he is "someone special" you already blew it. Affair, affair, affair. 

THEN, you seemed to get defensive when people called you out on basically getting tricked by a sly trainer into attending more sessions. I'm going to call BS and say that he _does_ charge you. He wouldn't NOT charge you, get heated up with you, then angry when you try to advance the relationship. He clearly does not want a romantic relationship with you.

Break this off now, or you need to start talking to your husband about it. An affair is an affair. Emotional or physical, they compromise the marriage. And at 10 years, why go there? Drop the trainer or drop the marriage; but you can't have both.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

ok his work is a personal trainer and he doesn't charge you mmmm don't you think that is weird don't your hubby think that is weird.. if you stay with him then you need to set limits for yourself and what the hell invite your hubby to at least one of your work outs... and don't send any more text that you would or could not show your hubby or that your trainer would or could not show his wife...

the trainer my of been pissed off because you crossed the line and wrote it down... once in writing and if his wife saw it that could of been the one thing that could of sent his wife away and well one step to getting caught... 

you had a talk with him and said sorry for the text and again if you stay keep it on the up and up from this time forward...

even if you some feel you cheated yes to most this is cheating, we are human and make mistakes be glade it did not go further... learn and don't ever make that mistake again.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

marie52 said:


> funny thing is...the guy doesn't charge me anything.


I think there's no harm in continuing ur workout program as he's not charging u for extra sessions So avail of this oppurtunity & all the other options as long as u can . Make sure nobody gets any suspicions about this. 
:smthumbup:


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

I heard or read once that only 2 results can ever come from an emotional affair...
1. They escalate to a physical affair
2. They end

That has stuck with me a LOOOONG time!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Affair. At least on your part.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Short answer is yes. Long answer is absolutely...


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## Banff (Feb 8, 2010)

Your a fool !!!! I had a friend who was a personal trainer... and he had at least a dozen women he was working all the time for sex. Thats WHY he was a personal trainer --- for the sex. Focus on your marriage and find another gym. And complain to the owners of this gym about this dude.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Banff said:


> Your a fool !!!! I had a friend who was a personal trainer... and he had at least a dozen women he was working all the time for sex. Thats WHY he was a personal trainer --- for the sex. Focus on your marriage and find another gym. And complain to the owners of this gym about this dude.


lol, that's exactly what I thought. I grew up around men. I KNOW what men think, and I know how many of them are NOT in it for love, commitment, and respect, but a roll in the hay.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I'm a MAN and I know what we think.....I agree. 

We are faithful by choice - otherwise we are normally wishing we could get some from anything that moves....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> I'm a MAN and I know what we think.....I agree.
> 
> We are faithful by choice - otherwise we are normally wishing we could get some from anything that moves....


I'll even take not moving but with a pulse ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She never came back. Didn't like what she heard.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I'll even take not moving but with a pulse ...


_"You need to get your girlfriend back into her wheelchair and out of Wal-Mart sir."_


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## gecko (Jan 20, 2011)

hi, 

this is definitely a way to open a door to infidelity. if people dont want to be guilty of it, they shouldnt do those things that facilitate adultery. simple. 

now, as a man, i gotta say, we cant stop our wives from cheating, but wives should be totally ok wth us husbands hunting those men down, tying them up, and then running them over with a jeep groin up. 
as long as women are ok with this, they can cheat. they should accept a male behaviour at the end of it all.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree with most posts here. It will progress from an EA to a PA. The trainer got pissed because the letter seemed to be romantic. He wasn't interested in anything like that other than to "drop a load" (not weights). That loving, freaky, romantic woman stuff just didn't work for him! He wouldn't want to make the other dozen women he's boning in the gym jealous either! Commitment is not one of his strong suits, obviously!
I would recommend ending it with whatever dignity you have left. There are lots of well qualified trainers. Find a woman next time.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Yep better stop pay attention to ur husband!


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