# Too much craziness--Making the decision easier



## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Sorry this post is so long...
We had World War III at my house last night. Basically it all stemmed from H being passive aggressive. He can’t say no to his kids because you know, as teens of divorced parents, hearing the word “no” will crush their souls and send them on a downward spiral of drugs, alcohol and prison. 

Basically, H was mad at his younger kid for many reasons….The kid wanted to have a sleepover with his friend, just as an additional problem to add to the mix. H hates sleepovers and doesn’t ever want them, but doesn’t have the balls to say that to his kid…instead he tells him how much he hates them and he doesn’t understand why they do it, yadda yadda yadda—everything *but* come right out and say NO. 

So when stepkid asked me, I was cool with his friend staying for dinner and sleeping over. There was some parenting that needed to take place behind the scenes about how you don’t invite people without asking parents first, and you don’t just show up on a night we’re not supposed to have custody—and bring a friend… but I figured that could be dealt with privately at another time. 

H however, was angry at his kid for not having phone contact with him during the day to tell him about wanting a sleepover or having a friend over for dinner, or even about coming over for dinner at all… So H was angry to start with, but didn’t say anything to his kid. He just pouts and hangs up on him and then doesn’t answer when the kid calls back.

So, long story short, H was mad at his kid but took it out on me all night. I had ‘dared’ to ok a sleepover. I didn’t “ok” it…I just said my 1 vote of the 2 parental votes needed for the sleepover to happen, was ‘yes’… Instead of saying NO, my H prefers to just pout and be a giant baby about everything—and then take his anger out on me and pick fights with me because he can’t face confronting his kid. 

H was just belligerent and mean, and was on me about everything…my job is for losers, I can’t do anything right, blah blah blah. H had reorganized the pantry too, and was *****ing because I didn’t rant and rave about how fabulous it was. I did say it looked nice and that I appreciated what he had done…but apparently I didn’t compliment “fast” enough for him as soon as I got in the door… That’s what I mean though, anything to pick a fight and keep it going *instead* of confronting the real issue—his anger at his son.

The topper though was that the same younger kid tried taking his dad’s truck *with my dog* so he could drive with her over to school where the other kids were playing. Did I mention this kid is 13 years old???! He had started his dad’s truck and was trying to get my dog into it but she wouldn’t go (smart dog) and he came back in to actually tell me what he was trying to do. I was beyond furious, and since no actual parent was speaking up, I flipped out and told him you 1) do not drive, touch or do anything with your dad’s truck and 2)*never* with my dog!!!!

So he got put in place but good. Dad of course didn’t take kindly to it and I told him off too….that if he spent any time actually disciplining his kid instead of letting him run amok like a feral animal we wouldn’t have one bit of the problems we’ve been having! 

So H fought and fought and I just said enough…I don’t want to fight anymore. We’ve both made valid points and I feel the argument needs to be put away for another time. H however, wanted to continue so he kept it up for another 2 hours. It was just crazy.

While he was grilling, he’d come by the window where I was cooking and try to talk to me—belittle me—but I said I don’t want to hear it. Finally I just shut the window on him so I wouldn’t have to listen anymore—but he kept it up when he came inside. It was relentless.

So now today when I think about what happened, it was just case in point of what I’m not going to be doing for the rest of my life. I’ve tried everything possible to make my marriage work, but I am not going to be the one doing all the changing so I can get emotionally beat up because he’s not willing to work on himself. It’s like, I can see in our arguments how they escalate and I can catch it most of the time so I don’t make it worse, but it seems he will deliberately throw gas on the fire to make it rage out of control…he likes the intensity of it… But I don’t. I look at yesterday and it’s just nuts. It literally is like out of something from an insane asylum. I would never ever, or any of my siblings, dared touch my parents car at age 13—let alone be so brazen as to tell them to help me in my plans to drive illegally with someone else’s animal in the car… It’s just lunacy. But it’s like nobody in my house sees it that way…it seems like this is normal for them. Maybe their bio mom when she was married to my H, fought like this with him and they had this crazy stuff going on –but that’s not a healthy life for me…and it’s way not normal. I can’t live a life of craziness.

So I am even more resolved to divorce H and move on with my life. I told him flatly yesterday that I want a divorce, yet again, and he kept provoking me saying I didn’t have the guts… Well, regardless of if that’s a game for him, or if he really wants to divorce but he doesn’t have the guts to file, *I* will be filing. I’ve got a realtor looking for a place for me and as soon as something comes along, I have family who will help me get my move arranged…and when I’m living in my new place, I’ll be filing for divorce. Nobody should have to live like this.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Now THIS explains a lot more. Im sorry for ranting at you on your earlier post. I will delete it, as now that I see what you are going through it explains a lot more. The earlier post sounded like you had someone trying to honestly work on himself, which not many of us here do at all, and it was frustrating to see it appear as if you already had one foot out the door. But now that you explain this behavior, you are right. It sounds like he is addicted to the mental release of arguing, but doesnt possess the skills to actually "do" anything positive towards a permanent fix of himself. 
I'm sorry to hear you going through this, and your very last sentence explained it all. No body should have to live like this.
He can hook up with my ex-wife and they would be two peas in a pod with daily outbursts, each feeding off of each other. Sounds like such a wonderful peaceful love... 
Good luck finding a place/financing/realtor,, doing the same thing myself right now.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Shooboo, thank you for that. I'm also sorry if I was upset by your post, and I hope that we've been able to clarify things.

Good luck with finding a new place too... I think it's the first step to reclaiming some kind of normal life--and it's a big step.

Take care of you.


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