# Restraining Order Against Former AP?



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

So yesterday a call came in on my office line that I initially did not recognize, so I let it go to VM. When I looked closer at the number the area code rang a bell so I googled it...Omaha, NB...ugh...

That is where the "OW" lives. As some of you know, I went NC back in December of last year and have kept to my promise of NC...She on the other hand has made an attempt to contact me via email (I informed my wife immediately of course), she has "viewed" my linkedin profile, and now I suspect this is her calling my office line. No message was left, but this is how she has operated before in the past just to let me know that she is "thinking about me". And of course, I immediately informed my wife. I asked her once again how she wants to move forward on this and she said "We ignore it.". I will honor her stance, but if this continues I was wondering if I can get a restraining order on her. I simply don't want to go through life wondering when she is going to "pop up" again, ya know?

Or perhaps my wife has the best strategy...just ignore her. Thoughts?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ignore her completely AND get a restraining order filed or some type of harassment charge.

You need to go for the jugular on this one. She won't respect NC then give her an incentive to.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I salute your diligence in honoring the commitment sir. I suspect your wife does too.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Have you looked into weather a RO would actually be available to you? Look into it, different states have different rules. When they ask you for the basis of the RO, her looking at your LinkedIn profile a few times or a few attempts at contact might not be enough. I know it rattles you, but that might not be enough for an RO.

Since her contact is sporadic and she isn't going full fledged "bunny-boiler" on you,continuing to ignore her completely is probably your best bet. If you do happen to pick up the phone when she calls just say "don't ever contact me again" and hang up. Don't let her respond don't engage in further conversation.

Sorry you are going through this MR.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> So yesterday a call came in on my office line that I initially did not recognize, so I let it go to VM. When I looked closer at the number the area code rang a bell so I googled it...Omaha, NB...ugh...
> 
> That is where the "OW" lives. As some of you know, I went NC back in December of last year and have kept to my promise of NC...She on the other hand has made an attempt to contact me via email (I informed my wife immediately of course), she has "viewed" my linkedin profile, and now I suspect this is her calling my office line. No message was left, but this is how she has operated before in the past just to let me know that she is "thinking about me". And of course, I immediately informed my wife. I asked her once again how she wants to move forward on this and she said "We ignore it.". I will honor her stance, but if this continues I was wondering if I can get a restraining order on her. I simply don't want to go through life wondering when she is going to "pop up" again, ya know?
> 
> Or perhaps my wife has the best strategy...just ignore her. Thoughts?


I do think a r/o is a little extreme at this point, she does live in a different state than you and she really hasn't threatened you in any way. Ignoring seems to be best or if you feel the need have a lawyer write up a quick letter formally telling her to no longer contact you or further action may be necessary.

That should be enough to give her the subtle hint to quit contacting you.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

A restraining order seems excessive, but there's no reason why you can't threaten to get one.....


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MR how was NC established when you broke it off?


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Good feedback folks, and yeah, I wasn't sure about it but I'm sure you all can understand why I thought about it, yes? I do know her well enough to know that she isn't a physical threat to me or my wife, but although I will never ever forget about my indiscretion, I would most certainly like to get this woman entirely out of my life and move forward. I suppose, for the time being, I will honor my wife's decision (ignore the OW's attempts) and maybe look into a few options that you all have presented me. Thanks again everyone for your support.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> MR how was NC established when you broke it off?


I went completely "dark" on the OW. I left it up to my wife about how she wanted to handle it and her decision was to go dark on the OW., No letter...nothing...Just became a ghost and disappeared. Deactivated my FB and have been off FB since last December.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> I salute your diligence in honoring the commitment sir. I suspect your wife does too.


Muchas gracias Amigo. I know my wife is appreciative of it now. If you'll remember, I was a bit "apprehensive" about telling my wife when the first attempt was made by the OW. Thanks to you all and your support, I did what was right and told her. The reason I know she appreciates my transparency is because when I told her yesterday about the phone call and what I suspected...immediately followed by "How do you want to handle this darlin?", she was actually smiling when she offered up her response. She seems to be more comfortable knowing that I will not hesitate to tell her about these things. Does that make sense?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> I went completely "dark" on the OW. I left it up to my wife about how she wanted to handle it and her decision was to go dark on the OW., No letter...nothing...Just became a ghost and disappeared. Deactivated my FB and have been off FB since last December.



If this is her trying to call you, it might be time to give her a much clearer NC message. You might want to ask your wife about doing that. She might be fishing because the "end" wasn't ever defined for her.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> If this is her trying to call you, it might be time to give her a much clearer NC message. You might want to ask your wife about doing that. She might be fishing because the "end" wasn't ever defined for her.


I agree with this. OW needs a clear NC statement.

If she decides to go against that, a R.O. could become investigated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So glad you're back MR.

A couple of annoying calls from someone you know isn't a real threat doesn't sound like restraining order material. Have you checked with the phone company to see if they can block her number?


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> So glad you're back MR.
> 
> A couple of annoying calls from someone you know isn't a real threat doesn't sound like restraining order material. *Have you checked with the phone company to see if they can block her number?*


Thanks Pluto, good to see you. I actually do work for the phone company here and yes, the number can be blocked. I still am not certain that it is the OW, but I never get calls here initiated from Omaha. I can have the boys over in the CO (Central Office) block the number, but since no message was left, it's back to "I'm pretty sure it's her, but I'm not certain.". I'll wait to see if it happens again for the time being.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

It ain't one of these BH wanting to jerk you around for messing with his wife is it MR?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's what I suggest.

Find out if it's her number. You don't have to call her do find this out.

If it's her, write her a very strong no-contact letter. Tell her that if she tries to contact you again you will consider it stalking/harassment and will seek whatever legal recourse you have. Tell her that the point is that you never want to hear from her again or see her again. Don't worry about being mean. Sometimes it's necessary.

Tell your wife about the attempted contact, let her read the letter and edit it any way she wants. Then the two of you go to the post office and send the letter out together registered mail. At the same time, send yourself a signed and dated copy of the letter registered mail (or at least through the mail). When you get your copy of the letter in the mail, do not open it. Have your wife keep it in a safe place.

If you ever feel a need to pursue stronger actions.. like harassing/stalking charges... you have the sealed letter and the returned signature card from her as proof that she got the no contact letter.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Ugh, this again. It seems like you want this drama in your life.

Yeah I know that it was your wife's call to ignore her but I mentioned this already in one of your other threads, that you can't just 'go dark' on her and block her from all your social media with no reason or explanation and expect her to 'get a clue', and that she'd likely try to contact you again.

You taking out a restraining order on her is extremely excessive and unnecessary. She sent you one (friendly) email, viewed your Linkedin profile and tried to call you once since December and somehow that translates to a need for a restraining order.

It's really not that complicated. You have to be honest, direct and consice with her. You had a _relationship_ with her. In no other relationship in your life, whether it's romantic, professional or with friends or family, do you just 'go dark' on someone.

You and/or your wife should contact her contact (preferably a call) and just tell her that whatever relationship existed between you two is over and ended and that she should not attempt to contact you anymore. That's seriously all that it takes. If she continues to contact you after that then maybe you consider taking other measures.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Ugh, this again. It seems like you want this drama in your life.


 Not really. I've disconnected completely from socail media and simply want to work on rebuilding the trust in my marriage...which means full disclosure to my wife and NC with the AP.



Locke.Stratos said:


> It's really not that complicated. You have to be honest, direct and consice with her. You had a _relationship_ with her. In no other relationship in your life, whether it's romantic, professional or with friends or family, do you just 'go dark' on someone.


I disagree, and here's why...I have already betrayed my wife by having an EA with this woman. On D-Day I gave my wife "the power"...I conceded everything and promised her that I would honor ANY decision regarding our marriage and how she wants to handle this. She has opted to simply ignore the OW and if I were to disrespect her decision by either initiating contact with the OW even if it to tell her to no longer contact me, or suggest to my wife that we do it together...well that, IMO, would constitute either further betrayal or at the very least imply that I disagree with her decision...which again I have stated that I would honor. If it were up to me, yes...I would have immediately have placed a call on D-Day to her, with my wife at my side, and told her that I no longer want anything to do with her, but it is my wife's decision and that is the way it is...simple as that. Regarding the RO...It was just something that crossed my mind and that is why I tossed it out for feedback. I'm not ready to go full on nuclear and get an RO, but if it continues, I'm going to have to do something about it. I suppose a letter like some folks have suggested may suffice...I hope. If it happens again, I will have a lengthy discussion with my wife about doing something about the OW.

Forgive me if I don't understand your posting about when ending a relationship nobody simply goes dark as I have read innumerable threads in the CWI forum where the prescription toward repairing a marriage is to end all contact with the AP, yes?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Here's what I suggest.
> 
> Find out if it's her number. You don't have to call her do find this out.
> 
> ...


I really like and agree with this plan.

I thought she was ignoring NC. You never really told her to stop contacting you, just went dark. So she has no idea why you disappeared and might assume its temporary. 

Send her the certified letter of NC including threatening legal action and keep a copy. If she ignores it then you have documented proof and a decent chance of getting the R/O.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I really like and agree with this plan.


Me too. Well thought out and could be very effective IMO. Thanks @EleGirl


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

2nd Ele's plan. Important in the letter not to express any feelings about what might have been, missing the OW, just a straight-on, I was seriously wrong, regret what you did, burn the bridges letter. And request no further contact, ever. 

Of course, work this out with your W. 

And good on you not reaching for the ego hit.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I feel you should have a discussion with your wife as to the efficacy of the decision to just "go dark". It is true that when an affair is discovered it is imperative that the WS go full NC but it is almost always done with NC letter. This removes any and all ambiguity. Perhaps let your wife craft the NC letter so as to convey a clear message to the AP that you are not just ignoring her but are truly done with the relationship in every way. Then ignore any future contact or pursue stronger deterrents as you feel necesssary.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I understand that you're trying to honour your wife's decision and reestablish trust, and that's commendable, but not doing anything isn't likely to have your former affair partner not try to contact you. This is basically your other thread all over again. She ~_might_~ take the hint, but her feelings for you may persist or still linger so she could still be holding on and hopeful, and like *kristin2349* wrote, the end wasn't defined for her.

I mean, consider it from her perspective. She had a "_relationship_" with you. She was interested and invested in you and then you just vanished from her life, with no reason or explanation. If she is human, at the very least she still wonders, thinks about or is curious about you. That, coupled with the fact that she has poor boundaries and makes bad choices (evident from her decision to become involved with a married man) will likely lead to her reaching out to you.



MountainRunner said:


> Forgive me if I don't understand your posting about when ending a relationship nobody simply goes dark as I have read innumerable threads in the CWI forum where the prescription toward repairing a marriage is to end all contact with the AP, yes?


Yes and usually ending contact with the affair partner involves either a No Contact letter, email, call, text, or some other form of communication that specifies that things are done.

It just seems to me that there is a really simple solution to laying this to rest. I don't think that it's good that her presence keeps reappearing in your lives. It affects you, and it probably affects your wife and your marriage('s recovery) everytime that it happens. 

I get that your wife may be apprehensive, uncomfortable or simply doesn't want to deal with the former other woman, but I feel that this could have been dealt with already and not be an issue. Letting her know doesn't have to be this huge thing, it could be accomplished by a simple short, but concise call or whatever other medium you two decide on.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> I understand that you're trying to honour your wife's decision and reestablish trust, and that's commendable, but not doing anything isn't likely to have your former affair partner not try to contact you. This is basically your other thread all over again. She ~_might_~ take the hint, but her feelings for you may persist or still linger so she could still be holding on and hopeful, and like *kristin2349* wrote, the end wasn't defined for her.
> 
> I mean, consider it from her perspective. She had a "_relationship_" with you. She was interested and invested in you and then you just vanished from her life, with no reason or explanation. If she is human, at the very least she still wonders, thinks about or is curious about you. That, coupled with the fact that she has poor boundaries and makes bad choices (evident from her decision to become involved with a married man) will likely lead to her reaching out to you.
> 
> ...



I agree with the above. It might be time to have a talk with your wife and come up with a NC plan that draws a clear boundary for this woman. 

I doubt you would be granted a RO since you never told her to stop contacting you and she hasn't harassed or threatened you. Also, you have to take into account what that could do to her life, she had an EA with you an undeserved RO will show up on background checks. So before you go after one make sure it is warranted.

I hope it doesn't cause you & your wife too much stress.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You respected your wife's wishes to just go dark and it was working.....until it wasn't. I think it's time the two of you revisit that decision and get her permission to actually inform the woman about why you went dark/want no contact. For all you know, she could be wondering if you're dead or in jail!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a link to some NC letters. They have very specific info...

Show support for your wife and family.
Show remorse for you hurting your wife and family.


and DO NOT put anything in the letter that says anything about being sorry for hurting the OW, or that you will miss her, etc. It's al about your wife and family.

Take a look at the letters in the link. You will see what I mean.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Well, as we were canning relish last night, I brought this thread in conversation. I told my wife about the suggestions and she has agreed that if the OW makes contact one more time, we will send out a registered letter demanding that she ceases any further attempts.

I'd like to thank you all for working with me as I worked through this last episode and offering up options. thanks again everyone.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

So let me get this straight, you were in a betrayal affair up until Dec and NOW you completely respect your wife's opinion and want to reassure her? Respect is not given but earned and that takes years.

Was this OW married or in a committed relationship? It might be calls from the OWH or bf. Part of the 180 is to notify everyone of your actions and tell them you are in R. Have you told your family that you cheated? If it is her man calling, you need to talk to him and admit the A and that it is over. Anything short of full 180 is rugsweeping my friend.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Rather than sending a NC letter yourself, I would pay an attorney a couple hundred dollars to draft and send one; adding an additional layer of disconnect between the two of you.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I personally have attempted to make contact with my FWW's APs so that they would hear it from me that the A was over and a NC action is in place. If they wouldn't respond to my numerous calls and messages, I would call their wife, adult kids, or coworkers and that usually would get their attention and spur a return call.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Your wife said ignore it so ignore it.

The amount of attempted contact doesn't rise to the need of a restraining order, nor does it require a written NC response. Your wife is OK with ignoring it so do that.

The phone call could have been her hitting your number by mistake (who here hasn't done that?) and she left no message.


----------

