# need some other opinions



## rosesarered (Oct 20, 2011)

I was hoping to get some opinions and see if my feelings are understandable and if I just need to pull up my bootstraps and stop whining. 

Basically, we've been married for 10 years. We have four kids. I've been mostly unhappy for most of our marriage. He's not a very exciting person. Though he's a very loyal person. He's a very good friend if "you" ever need one. But "we" just can't communicate. If I need advice, we'll let's say mostly I'd rather be stabbed with an ice pick than ask him for advice or discuss anything with him. For our entire marriage, if I would like x brand of toothpaste, he wants y brand, until and unless his friends say x brand is good. He does not tell me he loves me. He is slightly affectionate to me, like a rub on the head or cheek. Talking to him mostly consists of him doing something on the computer like reading emails or reading the news and I'm talking...and if I get upset about not having his attention then I am controlling. 

Gifts are none. No concept of him ever giving me gifts. On two or three occasions he gave me some flowers. Once at the beginning of our marriage. Then after the delivery of our first child and then at the delivery of our second. He wasn't even present at the second delivery. I don't even have a wedding ring. We have nice furniture and we're financially fine. He likes nice things and I have nice clothes. 

We have 4 little kids so there's no dinners out or alone time otherwise. We don't use babysitters to watch the kids. No judgment on those who do but we don't. We don't even know anyone where we live as we just moved here. I am very busy so I'm not totally depressed but I really get very upset and feel like I am missing such a great part of life...a fun, loving person to share it with. He says that this is part of marriage and the maturity of it. That when you've been together the passions of the youth and romanticism vanishes. He's very old fashioned though not old. We're in our thirties. 

Many times I complain that it's way too long since we've been intimate and he says it's because of my mood. Well my mood is like this because I feel like I'm everyone's maid and am exhausted. My oldest child is 5. I am like this because I don't feel loved or valued. He says how can I not feel valued when he goes to work everyday to provide for our family. And he does. He's a very good provider and he is an excellent father. And he's one of the best friends YOU could ever have. But he's not husband material. 

He's not willing to go to a therapist. Basically it's on me. I should fix myself. I don't know how it could be all my fault? Everyday I cook, clean, wear nice clothes and make sure the kids are taken care of and the works. I cook what he loves despite the rest of our desires. I can't cook what he loves and what I love everyday so I cook what he loves. And if I can't eat it then I make a tomato sandwich or cereal.

So many times I've thought we should separate. But we have these kids and I wonder if I can just be miserable for their sake. I can't tear them apart like this.They absolutely and totally adore their father. He's a nice person. He never yells or uses bad language. He has good manners and works hard. It's just I think we are incompatible. I want someone who I feel like racing to the door to greet not someone who when I hear him coming home I think omg. Honestly i am so happy when he's gone for a while and comes back for a short time. It feels better when I miss him and then get to see him. 

Can anyone help me? I have been hearing how my expectations are off base for so long yet somehow I just can't adjust my expectations .. because I really do want someone that I enjoy being with, not just living with to pass the days. 

I appreciate your help.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Please don't take this wrong, but a question ran through my mind when I read your post; you have four children ages 5 and younger. You two must like one another somewhat because you had sex that brought four children into the world in the past five years. I also wonder, if the marriage has seemed a mismatch for so long, why you have four kids. I mean, you do have your hands full and it would be pretty difficult to just up and leave with four youngsters, particularly since they are so attached to their father.

How do the two of you act in front of the children? A united front or two people who are like ships passing in the night? Although they are young, kids are quite intuitive. They'll start picking up that something is wrong sooner rather than later.

You want some passion and excitement, while it seems your husband finds being a good provider should be sufficient to fulfill your unmet needs. No, passion and romance do NOT die when people get married; they just have to work hard to see that it continues.

You're worn out from the demands of four young children; he's worn out from working all day. Actually, you both have full-time jobs. The only thing that pops into my head is eventually finding a good babysitter and having a once-monthly date night with your husband. Parents need adults-only time to reconnect. If you don't want babysitters, I'm afraid I can't tell you what else to do.

P.S. - I was also intrigued that you wrote you cook what he likes for dinner, even if you don't like it. Can you prepare dinners that both of you enjoy?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't think your expectations are off base at all. If anything, I'd consider them the foundation of a good marriage / relationship. 

You are in danger though. You are ripe for an affair from my perspective. Sorry if this offends you. I had an emotional affair that started as compassion for the other woman. First friends, then emotional affair.

Let me give you an example of the danger you are in. Assume that as your neighbor, I hear somehow that you are unhappy and I know the details as you posted above. So I come over to try and cheer you up. Even though I am married, I have a desire to help people. In this case, you.

So I come over to talk. Soon, you tell me everything that you need and are not getting from your husband. I'm sympathetic to your situation, and providing you some level of comfort. It feels good to you to get those feelings off your chest by talking with me. We say goodbye, and I go home. Your mind starts to wander and think about how nice I'm being. I feel good too since I feel that I'm helping you be a happier person.

So we continue our talks, and it's clear to you that I enjoy being around you and your kids. I interact with them, play with them, make them laugh, and make you laugh and smile. Your heart feels warm. Mine is warming too. You think about me after I've left, and you smile. When your husband comes home, you life goes back to its awful place.

You are looking more and more attractive to me each day, and you are thinking the same. The next time we meet, I hug you and ask you how you are doing. I never take my hand off of you while you reply. You're smiling, and so am I. Now I start to share what I would do with you if I was your husband such as hiring someone to care for the kids while we got dressed up real nice and had a nice dinner. Then some day we could go rent some bikes and take a ride to a remote place for a picnic lunch. I keep doing this until we both give in to our desires.

You see where I'm going with this example? Don't let it happen to you. Somehow, and I don't know how, your husband needs to hear this example too. 

Tell him he has to choose between marriage counseling for BOTH of you because you really care and want the best for the marriage, or it's time for a divorce. 

Perhaps I'm wrong with this advice. If so, hopefully someone else will point that out.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Unless there is some underlying problem not mentioned in the OP I really think all you need is some alone time with your husband.

It really should be a priority, I learned it the hard way too.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

No babysitters and no time alone is a big red flag. You both are putting your other responsibilities ahead of your marriage and that will eventually sink your boat. You and your husband need to go out alone at least once a week until you get back on track and every other week at least as an ongoing practice. Believe me, you are not doing your kids any favors by doing otherwise. The best and most important thing parents can do for their kids is to show them how much you love each other and how important this is to you both.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> No babysitters and no time alone is a big red flag. You both are putting your other responsibilities ahead of your marriage and that will eventually sink your boat. You and your husband need to go out alone at least once a week until you get back on track and every other week at least as an ongoing practice. Believe me, you are not doing your kids any favors by doing otherwise. The best and most important thing parents can do for their kids is to show them how much you love each other and how important this is to you both.


:iagree:


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your problems.

Question, Was your husband always like this? You had four children with this man, and now you find out he is not husband material. Are you being fair? Are you wife material?

I am not trying to be mean. I just want you to look in the mirror. Almost everything you said was a negative towards your husband.

You did say he is a great friend, great father, great provider. Try a different approach in life. Life is about choices. Figure out what makes your husband tick. He must have hobbies. Take an interest in him and he may take an interst in you.

Dont dwell on the petty stuff. You have three great ingrediants for a husband. Great friend, father, provider not a bad start. I bet he is loyal too


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## rosesarered (Oct 20, 2011)

I wrote this post a very long time ago. And well we now have five kids but life has changed a lot and also gotten worse in some other ways. We have a live in maid/nanny which has solved a lot of issues but he still puts his friends over me. He got a less stressful job in his same field but a different place. So now there's no excuse that either of us are TOO tired and worn out. Life's great in this regard. But we are just not a match for each other. Yes of course in the beginning we were. Almost anyone can be if they want to be for a while. 

I never replied to the previous posts because after posting I felt so guilty for not being thankful enough. 

To the previous inquiries: I am not a cheating kind of person. I would be the last person to talk to another guy in real life and not likely to personally talk to one on the internet either. Please try to trust me about that. It makes no sense to me. I'm here because things are breaking down severely and they just always continue to. Every other week, but we keep trying..rather I keep trying and he says he's very patient and regardless of what our problems are he's in marriage for life. I told you, he's a loyal one. But a loveless loyal one.

Anyway, I figured out how to find this post again, but I had made a new post in the general forum.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

rosesarered said:


> I wrote this post a very long time ago. And well we now have five kids but life has changed a lot and also gotten worse in some other ways. We have a live in maid/nanny which has solved a lot of issues but he still puts his friends over me. He got a less stressful job in his same field but a different place. So now there's no excuse that either of us are TOO tired and worn out. Life's great in this regard. But we are just not a match for each other. Yes of course in the beginning we were. Almost anyone can be if they want to be for a while.
> 
> I never replied to the previous posts because after posting I felt so guilty for not being thankful enough.
> 
> ...


So some of your lives is good and you would like to make the rest better?

From first glance, it looks as though you dont know how to express love in each other's languages.
Maybe there is love there, just not being shown in the way that you both understand. the5lovelanguages.com - the 5 love languages Resources and Information. may be able to help.
I know it was an eye opener for me.
It explained a LOT to me about how my ex and I were not on the right page.

The nice thing is that you dont have to change your expectations as much as just observe slightly differently. You will both be able to change views very easily.

Its quick and easy and it will open a good dialogue on what each of you needs and wants.


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