# D Day and Cancer D..what a Mess



## watcher (Oct 22, 2012)

On the day my H was told it was likely he had cancer, he came clean that he had a PA for 5 years ending in 2010. He said it was just sex...he loved me..always had and always will.
I found this forum one night and have been lurking around, today I decided to write. I hope it will help me to organize my thoughts. It's my first post..
My marriage of 37 years is dead. The man who I had 2 beautiful girls with is dead and gone. In his place is someone who looks very much like that man I've slept with for all those years, but it's not really him.
It gets worse,b/c the person who he had the A with was our nanny who lived in our house. She's gone now, but before she left we started a business with her as an unofficial partner. This was waaay before I knew what was going on. Now I know, she knows I know....we don't speak at work,and that is not hard b/c she works as a representative of our company in another country. Nearly all of the staff speak to her daily via Skype and so does my WH. 
He is trying very hard to show me that he loves me. He can't answer the question of "What did you tell yourself this to make it OK?" 
We've read the book Not Just Friends and discussed it. It helped him to understand me, and I guess I also could see where he came unglued at the availablity of mind blowing sex with this woman. He said he sort of went mad. I believe him. He changed so much, and I thought is was b/c we were getting older, stress of work etc. all that crap. I always always trusted him and she isn't really his type! Note to self....When sex is involved it doesn't matter if you have anything else in common except the desire to do it.
We read 5 love languages and that helped too.
But this is why I am writing, I don't love him anymore like I did, I don't think I even know what love is. I don't respect him either. He doesn't have cancer (truly a miracle) If I had found out about the A and the cancer wasn't a part of the picture I would have left immediately. I stayed b/c he needed a friend, I moved into the other BR, but he was a mess. 
Now that he is OK, I am starting to process this and I just can't see a future. Is there anynone on this forum who has been through this before and would be willing to offer some advice?
We are starting MC on Nov 5. It will be both IC and MC. I am having second thoughts about it. Why bother? It won't change anything.......
Thanks for letting me ramble.


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

You should go through with the MC just to get your feelings out in the open. At least that way your husband cannot say your marriage failed because you did not go to MC. 

Who knows, you may find out you dont want a divorce after all.. or even if you do at least you can say, hey.. I gave it a shot.

Good luck


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Watcher, a 5 year PA is too much to bear.You have been married for so long, been faithfull to him, looked after him, have given him children.
He obviously has no boundaries, it is not an excuse to say it was 'only sex'.
Go with the councelling, but if it was me I would divorce him. There is too much damage done. Look after youself and your girls, life goes on....


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You don't need to make a decision right away. Go to IC and try to work on figuring out what you want. What you can live with. Also go consult a lawyer, find out what your likely options are and what your situation would look like if you were to divorce.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm assuming he confessed because he wanted to ease his conscience once he thought he was potentially facing death. If so, it's just another selfish move - drop the bomb on you so that he can feel cleansed & then pass on.

5 years is simply too much for most people to bear. And he's so selfish that he could easily do it again now that he's gotten his reprieve. I would divorce him and try not to look back.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think what you're feeling is very common.

You might have been misled by reading stories, whether on this forum or in the book Not Just Friends (which I love, BTW) about loyal spouses moving mountains to achieve reconciliation. Doing detective work, confronting, verifying no contact, hiring the MC, going to IC, having a million conversations and crying jags and blow ups, etc....

All of that is triggered by the rejection of the affair. Those spouses felt an intense, driven urge to recover their marriages.

However, once things quiet down, many loyal spouses feel as you do. Here's the rationale--I loyal spouse do all kinds of work to regain the marriage and improve myself on the theory that then you'll never cheat on me again...and so YOU, cheater, get a new and improved spouse/marriage while ME, loyal spouse, am stuck with the same old spouse who is now also a cheater. 

When this topic comes up on this forum--as it does regularly--I keep thinking of the words from an old song from the 60's: "a prize I had no wish to win."

I agree with everyone else. If part of you wants to save the marriage, find a good pro-marriage counselor who will ask your H the hard questions and who is familiar with Shirley Glass's work. If you are sure you're done, find a good individual counselor and explore your options to give you some time to be sure of what you want before you cut him loose.

(I am happily reconciling with my husband who also had a 5 year affair, albeit an EA. But that doesn't mean I've never ever felt as you apparently do now.)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask him if he is OK if you go have a sex only relationship...

How manipulative of him to use the sympathy of his illness to come clean about his affair ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Know this: it's ok to leave tandem divorce someone who as chosen to betray you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Logically, if you leave him, he then has the opportunity to WIN YOU BACK. And jump through ENORMOUS hoops to prove that he has learned the biggest lesson of all.

But I doubt it will ever happen it you two stay together.


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## watcher (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you all for your answers. It is very much appreciated.
Even though you have different opinions, I still feel better for having been able to tell my story..so for what that's worth thank you.
When I read the book Not Just Friends, I really identified with the author when she said that if I went though with a divorce then at least I would know that I tried to make it work. So despite my feelings of not wanting to go through all of the MC b/c I don't know if it is worth it, I am going to do it.... I decided.

I have to say that he is really busting his a#%#$ to make things better. He will talk to me now, no more put downs or dismissive behavior. He says that now that I know about the A he feels "lighter"... hmmm I feel "heavier." 
I haven't asked him for the details of the sex, but I know it was good, very good. He told me our sex was good, but we didn't do it enough. Actually that is true, when he started the A, we withdrew and became so distant I didn't initiate anything. He isn't blaming me, but that is on of the reason why he said. He would tell me anything I ask about the details of it, but I don't want to know all the gory details. I made a detailed timeline of when it started and all that was happening in our lives and that helped. Pissed me off, but it helped. Strange how that works.

You are right, we aren't spring chickens anymore. If I start over at my age, I don't know what that would look like, for me, for my family. I would never never marry again I do know that. I feel he would be remarried within a year. 
I am wondering if I WANT to be won back?! I think he would like to think he could try.


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