# addicted to masturabtion/online chat



## Depressed and dazed

I need to know that I am not going mad. My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, dated for 4 years prior. All was perfect. We were well suited intellectually and in temperament. It is my second marriage, I hve grown kids who are independent. He has none and has never been married. We are both late 40’s. We both work fulltime, he has his own business.
I am young looking and slim. I keep myself well, dress fashionably and am fit. I love sex, erotic lingerie, toys and am very broad minded. Up until a year ago, we had a great sex life. Only 2x weekly because he said he cannot manage more. I would happily have sex daily, but accepted this because I love him and it was not an issue-then!
Towards the end of last year, I started to feel uneasy about his actions. Looking back, this coincided with him buying an ipad and iphone- but I thought nothing of it then. I started to watch him and try to work out what it was bugging me. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I discovered the tip of the iceberg last Xmas. I found porn on his ipad- no big deal, use it myself, would happily watch it with him if he asked me. Despite being sexually adventurous, he has never done so. So we watched some of it together, was fun and exciting, but he started to lose his erections.
Anyway, moving on..I was still very uneasy and watched and waited. I found out he was online sex chats. Denied it vehemently of course. But the used tissues daily in the bin, sometimes twice daily- told another story. I came home one day early and watched him through the back window- was online chats, checking (answering?) the personal columns in the newspaper, tying furiously and masturbating. 
Again I asked him if he was doing this- he denied it. We had discussed this topic long ago, and both decided that for our relationship- it was off limits. So cant say he didn’t know.
I left him for a while- could not getover the lies he told and the deceit. Also, that he denied me sex in preference of masturbation- with others. Nearly a year onwards- I cannot do this anymore. He is still lying- just hiding it better.
The issues are:
Takes his ipad to the toilet. Takes his iphone to the toilet most of the time.
Computer is passcode locked. He is still masturbating daily ( I take particular notice of how I position the lube and the vibrators) and telling me he wants to have less sex with me- maybe once a week or once a fortnight. Over the last month he is losing his erections with me. Last time we lay naked together, with him rubbing me- he did not even get hard.
I am quite convinced he has a second phone. No phine bills at home- they all stay at his business. He deletes all call logs and texts.
He sneaks around the house. He goes onto the laundry and very quietly into the cupboards (why!!) When I follow him in, he ducks out the back door and to his car or into the garage. I think he is stashing his second phone. He acts really ODD- too much to explain, just really odd behaviour that does not make sense.
I have tried so many times to broach the issues we have. He gets angry defensive and accuses me of being paranoid. He said he gave me his word he would not behave badly again and so that should be enough!!
I am thinking of leaving as soon as I can organise my affairs, I do not trust this man at all now. What are your thoughts please???


----------



## *LittleDeer*

I would honestly leave. To me that would be cheating. 

Why did you go back to him? 

have there been any severe consequences to his actions?


----------



## unbelievable

He can get himself off while flaccid but he can't do much for you that way. There would be no pressure from a photo or a text message to remain erect. He obviously still has a very strong interest in sex. I'd suspect the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. He may need to see his doc about erectile dysfunction. In his late 40s, it wouldn't be all that unusual.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

*LittleDeer* said:


> I would honestly leave. To me that would be cheating.
> 
> Why did you go back to him?
> 
> have there been any severe consequences to his actions?


Thank you for your post.
I went back because I was ill prepared for going out on my own. In addition, my beautiful eldest daughter was just weeks away from marrying and the situation cast a shadow over all of this. As a mum you put on a brave face, but she knew about the issue and I just did not want to spoil her pending nuptuals.

Since then, i have prepared myself. I have bought my own home and it is tennanted for the time being. I am taking some months to save, see lawyers and get my finances in order. I will not suffer financially as a result of his wrong doings. I left him last time in a fit of rage- and i was the only one suffering. Other than friends couches, i literally had no where to go. Not a nice feeling (the house is his, was his before we married and so he was not going to leave). This time, i will look after myself.

consequences? I no longer trust him. I dont like him too much either. I think he has destroyed a good thing ( or maybe it was just rotten all along and I was ignorant). Perhaps there is a reason a man reaches his late 40's- never being married!

I agree interactive sex online is cheating. I agree whole heartedly. He of course (like so many i hve read on this site) minimise it and say it was 'harmless fun'. That so called harmless fun hurt me, our relationship and our future together. Porn is passive- no issue with that- again unless it is a substitute for me _ALL the time. But online chatting about sex, masturbating to it and likely use of webcams, is vey much being invloved with someone on an intimate level usually reserved for monogamous couples. My mind is very clear about this and I cannot forgive him. The real insult is that i am most willing, the higher drive partner and very open to suggestions about increasing couple fun! So not as if he were sex starved- although still no excuse. In fact- there is no excuse- period.

And to the post by Unbelievable- he has no erectile dysfunction. I know this man well. Hes fit and healthy. He is just worn out and his sex drive has been lowered through constant masturbation and i am not novel, new, 23 years old and telling him whatever it is that gets him off. I wonder how long before the virtual meetings become real meetings. The sad/funny/scary part of this- we met ONLINE!!!

He gets very defensive and angry when i used to try to discuss it, he has refused counselling. He denies, minimises and tries to blame me by saying im paranoid. When i broach it he says he now has trust issues with me! That is: he says he cannot trust me to live happily without accusing him all the time. This apparently grossly unfair attitude of mine is threatening his trust in me!! Not bad eh? 

So, i watch, i wait and i plan. I would love nothing more than to find that extra cellphone, just to be vindicated. But i likely will not, because at some level I think he knows i am onto him. I have all the evidence I need to know that this man cannot be trusted. 

He goes to work 2-3 hours later than me everyday. He finds reasons to go out of the house for 1-3 hours per day on weekends. He has the time and certainly as i found out, the motivation.

His only ohter long term relationship lasted 6 months- she moved in and then moved out. i do know who she is and plan to contact her and ask her to have a coffee and chat with me, later this year. No need to tip him off just yet. of course he has a valid reason for the relationship ending so quickly- but as we know, there are 2 sides to every story.

anyway, enough rant for me. If you have any advice or ideas, they would be most welcome. Blessings to you both


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

If you want to play games, stay. If you want the sex life you desire, with someone who is honest, leave. 

He's lying and you know it, otherwise you would not be here. He obviously doesn't want to come clean. You are suspecting many things, and are getting nowhere by asking him. When will the madness end?


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Update to this thread.
Two weeks ago, I caught him!
The behaviour had escalated and he rang a massage parlour. I found out- told him it's over- no discussion.
I am nearly finished packing, and have accomodation sorted out until my lease on my own home us up, then the tenant will move and I will move in. I remain here for another week. 

He is very sorry indeed!
has told me he does not want us to be apart!! He has said hes an idiot- I have to agree with him there.
But as I have said to him- you made your choice when you picked up that phone and rang a hooker. 
There is nothing more that can be said or done.


----------



## Thundarr

Dazed, I'm not anti porn but your husband truly is addicted to the point where he's choosing porn over reality. Or maybe choosing virtual sex with real people over sex with you.

I really don't think you can stay in this relationship and I don't think you should feel any guilt about quitting too soon. He's the only one who can fix him. The longer you stay with him, the longer you enable him to have his addiction and his marriage. These two things can't exists long term together. Good luck.

EDIT: Just read your last post which is what I was suspecting (excorts, etc). This marriage seems 100% gone.


----------



## Cosmos

I'm sure he is sorry, OP, but not as sorry as you've been all these years being denied sex whilst he cheated on you online - along with all his lies. And now a hooker?

Even if you chose to give him another chance if he attended MC with him, IMO, you could never trust him because he's shown you all too well who he is.

You deserve far more than what this man has to offer you.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Dear Thundarr and Cosmos

Many thanks for the kind words of support. 
I am in no doubt that I am doing the right thing. At times when it feels so painful to be preparing to move, I make myself think of the lies, the dishonesty, the manipulation and know it is the right decision. 

If ever I waiver, i recall the devious and suspicious actions and this reassures me and helps the pain to pass. 

It is quite astounding the persona he presents to the world. Everyone loves him, thinks him to be loyal and kind. Well- so did I, once. Its like he has a public image and then a very private and not so nice self. He kept it hidden from me for over 5 years. I seriously think he is quite a toxic person.

We all have our faults, we all know ourselves rather well. But I have found some nasty traits in this man and am glad i have found out sooner (ish) rather than 2, 5 or 10 years down the track!!

The legacy of all this? well, i do find myself wondering how long this was going on beofre I caught onto it.......but this i will never know and he is not one to confess to anything.

Only 6 more days under this roof. I thought it may have been less but cant take the time off work.

One day, when i am able to trust again- and i think that wont be for some time yet...i do hope there are men out there with integrity. 

Ps- he suggested counselling- but no end of counselling would or could ever result in me trusting, respecting or even liking him as a person again. Love is sometimes, simply not enough. I will not be a slave to love and it cannot be my master.

Blessings to you both
D


----------



## Cosmos

D and D, it's good that you've made your decision and have no doubts that it is a good one. I agree that no amount of counseling would help undo the damage he's done to your trust. Way too much damage, IMO.


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

You've made an excellent decision. Each time I put off divorce I only ended up regretting it. I went through 19m of MC and he never really discussed the issues that really mattered. It was only when I did relentless searching on my own behalf that I discovered things I wanted to know. The only people these men know how to do be loyal to is themselves. I filed about a month ago, and it's the best decision I've ever made.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Dear ItsGonnaBealright

Good for you on filing for the divorce. I have discovered these men continue to lie- for ever. Even when the marriage is over, nothing more to lose, mine still lies. Stuff that i know to be false, just keeps rolling off the tongue! And the control....I am still being nice at the moment because I am waiting for the money to land- but then....

Each time I postponed ending it, gave him the benefit of the doubt (deluded myself) I felt the relief that the crisis had passed- but underlying that and very obvious to me- was the feeling and the very real knowledge that I had sold out. I was only cheating myself and that feeling never left me!! So now almost free!!

I loolk now to the future and on a good day, can feel quite positive, despite the pain

Good riddance to these men!!
D x

Are you still living under the same roof pending end of marriage?


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

I know what you mean! It really never ends, and I am done with it, lol. I have stacks of apology letters where he pretty much says the same thing over and over, and I said to him, wouldn't you get tired of this? year after year, same words, same excuses, same lies. It's so draining. Life is way too short to marry an anchor. I am in the funeral industry now, and all I want to do is spend my time with people who deserve it. 
I also volunteer at an animal shelter on my spare time. Things that are meaningful mean so much more than being with a man who makes all the money in the world but doesnt know how to show his wife respect, and how to keep his thing in his pants. I can totally relate to that sold out feeling. By saying I can't do better, it's like saying that this is as far in life as I can go. And like I would tell myself, this can't be it for me. I can pay my own rent and do my own things, I can't let him continue to use me. I mean what if we got an STD or something, no kind of money can remove herpes, lol. 

I too felt like I was cheating myself, and it bothered me a lot. There's no way I had fallen that far down, and I was at the same level as this man. I used to take pride in my ability to be independent and look out for myself, so to let someone infiltrate my life and walk all over me was a big wake up call for me. 

Yes, we still live under the same roof and we talk sometimes about day to day stuff, nothing important of course. Im not losing out on much, lol. Good luck to the next broad. And btw, i posted him on badboyreport dot come and cheaterville dot com and who knows where else, so when he wants to date again, bam! I hope I can save another woman from having to put with the things he did to me.


----------



## creative

Yea the sneaky behaviour seems to be hiding something, which likely to be another woman. Choose to let go & move on


----------



## Depressed and dazed

time for update 2
It is now one month since I ended our marriage and just over a week since I moved out.

Early on, I went to see my Doc to get some anti-depressants to help me cope with the anxiety and difficulty eating and sleeping. I must say, I am surprised to find that I actually feel fine!! I am not bursting into tears or spending hours and days pining after him. I have accepted the marriage is over- for good reason and that I was not the cause.
There seems to be some comfort in that for me. Anytime I feel sad, I just remind myself of the fear and suspicion I was living under- and know that I feel emotionally more settled and happier- even if I have lost my love.
Although, even that last sentence about losing my love...perhaps I never really 'had' him anyway? He was unable to committ to me in the way a husband should. No excuses for that, although in his last email to me a few weeks ago he still blames me for all that has happened!!!
I may have left him with some small piece of respect for him if he had managed to come clean- but he still lied to the end, even when i had irrefutable proof. So, on the strength of that- just no hope at all.
I do feel sorry for the next woman though. 
I am not sure he has learned from this- perhaps just to be more sneaky?
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
To all of you in same or similar situations, if you are able- leave him.
The peace for me has been worth the pain.
The knowledge that I will not have to constantly wonder what he is doing behind my back- helps me to sleep at night, work during the day and truly feel happy inside when I laugh.
The anxiety in the pit of my stomach is gone.

this was something I did, for me. Just as he pursued his own ends!! although he lacked the integrity to confess to not wanting to be married.

Good luck to you, Its Gonna Be alright. My guess is it will be when you leave. I had stacks of apology/excuse/denial emails from my ex. It all means precisely nothing I can assure you.

Keep me posted on how your exit goes
DD x


----------



## hambone

unbelievable said:


> He can get himself off while flaccid but he can't do much for you that way. There would be no pressure from a photo or a text message to remain erect. He obviously still has a very strong interest in sex. I'd suspect the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. He may need to see his doc about erectile dysfunction. In his late 40s, it wouldn't be all that unusual.


`


I think you could very well be correct.


----------



## Nsweet

Step 1: Read everything here. Wikihow put it better than I could. How to Get Your Husband to Stop Looking at Porn: 6 Steps

Step 2: Get ready to either move out yourself or kick him out. Making sure you tell him exactly why you don't want to try anymore. You say "I can't be married to a porn addict".

Step 3: Follow the 180 to a T! Let him freak out, cry, and masturbate all he wants and get his own sh!t together. Usually that fear of loss sets in around the 3rd week when you cut him out completely. 

Step 4: Give him an ultimatum after 3-6 weeks of complete NO CONTACT, either therapy and porn rehab or divorce. Don't fall for any promises to change or have him take care of it on his own because you've tried than and he can't.

Step 5: If hasn't got his sh!t together after 2 months. Surprise him with divorce papers, do two more months of NO CONTACT or LIMITED CONTACT (no talk unless it's about the divorce), and wait and see how he wants to take it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but in that time frame before mediation and divorce. If he proves to you that he cares about you and want this marriage he's going to do it as a last ditch effort. If he can't get it together in that 6 months, then he's not your problem. 

You can sit at your computer and cry about how YOUR ACTIONS have no effect on him, or you can treat this situation the same way you would with a husband who's addicted to alcohol or hard drugs and play HARD BALL! You have to put your foot down and not let him get away with false promises and relapses, like a lot of the cheaters do... And you have to force yourself to not mother him. He's a grown ass man perfectly capably of getting his sh!t together without you. He doesn't need you to nag him or pressure him because he's just going to rebel against you.... But if you leave, because your love is enabling him... He'll either acknowledge his problem and find help or lose you so he can keep masturbating.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Dear NSweet
I have given him all the chances he's gonna get.
If, with the damage he'd done, he could still visit a massage parlour- that was all I needed to know.
I am out, have ended the 'marriage' and he can have his porn, online **** and fantasy world. I simply chose not to be a part of it.
Your advice is sound if I wanted to stay- but I don't.
One betrayal is one thing- two is one too many.
Life is too short and he is too immature to waste my time on.
He was not able to own up- so that tells me more than I need to know.
I do not want to waste the next 30 years on someone like this. 

I am now happy and secure, not always wondering what's going on when my back is turned. I don't need or want that.
I do hope he learns from this, but am not sure he will, as he cannot accept responsibility. He tells me I am the one who ended this marriage- well Yes!! As a result of HIS actions.

Good luck to him!!
No longer my problem.
I just hope when the time comes I can meet someone who would rahter have sex with a real woman than a computer image!!
Or maybe he ws doing that too.
But I chose not to think about that now- because I will never really know, will I?
Regards, DD


----------



## Nsweet

Congratulations on coming out of limbo and taking your life back! I'm really impressed with you and I just knew you would, but my style of MC here is to tell BS spouses ways they can stick it out while sort of nudging them in the right direction along the lines of the 180. 

I do this because experience has shown me if I were to tell you to leave him you would just tell me reasons you shouldn't or why you want to wait, but when I speak up and tell you and others to hold your boundaries strong and just put enough from an abusive stbx without letting them walk all over you.... Those people usually do the right thing towards reconciliation/divorce and pull the plug immediately. You pull the plug and walk out first and you're impervious to their mind games. 

You're story is not over yet though, you've got a long way to go and I urge you to keep in tough with TAM to help you through for the next 6-8 months or so. If experience from talking to others has shown me one thing it's that divorce is a never ending roller coaster, not a fast pass line to the gift shop. You're going to need the help and support of others and possibly therapy because these things run in very predictable patterns. I won't spoil the surprise because you won't believe me, but trust me it's going to be shocking. 

Now what you said, if you could only tell other women in your situation what you told me. These wives of porn addicts and chronic cheaters need to hear it from other women how they've sacrificed themselves to keep the unhappy cheating/porn addicted husbands happy and overlooked their abuse for so long. Making them happy, mission impossible. I know, I had a cheating wife myself who still blames me for her affairs, at least she did before... She's probably blaming the OM for her problems now. 

My point is these betrayed spouses benefit more from the words of others who've been through the same problems themselves than with therapists. You could really do some help and work on your 180 by just responding to 2 or 3 other BS spouses in your spare time.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Hello again Nsweeet
Thank you for taking the time to reply and your considered thoughts.
I read a lot about the 180 as it is used on here, and still don't really know what that means. Could you explain that to me please?

Interesting thing you mention about women thinking they have to stay... this idea of love and that somehow justifies putting up with lies, deceit and abuse. As women I think we are socialised to think that love is the reason, indeed the justification, for accepting all kinds of abuse.
I think when I was younger I may have bought into that, but with the benefit of experience and age, I know that this is never reason enough!
A bit like I said in an earlier post, love must never be the master- or otherwise, there are no limits to what we can accept. " I love him therefore...."
Love is replaceable, transient and offers no guarantees. Love is fragile and has its' basis in trust, honour, honesty and integrity. Without those things, love simply becomes an empty emotional state devoid of any substance. And this is the great danger.
Also, love that is one sided- What I mean by that is that men who will take their illicit pleasure, where professing to love their wives or girlfriends, create a very destructive kind of 'love". It is one sided, invested in dishonesty and lies, and ultimately, undermines the one who is tolerating- or trying to help the addict.
I have lost wieght, sleep, vitality, zest for life, let friendships go neglected, and significant connnections ignored because I was absorbed by HIS problem!! Not to mention what this did to the marriage.
Enough!!! The responsibility for the problem is WAS his! Not mine!! So why should women be the caretakers of this??
The answer to that is they should not. They are not- and so themselves a disservice to take this on board.
Women are NOT responsible for mens sexuality. Never have been, never will be (refer to middle eastern cultures here...thats a whole different thread).

I will stay on TAM, but I suppose I hesitate sometimes to be the voice of doom. I am quite clear in my view on this issue, but am also aware I have no mortgage, no children and no shared assets. I am educated, have a well paying job- so dont need him financially. For women in different situations, not so clear cut. That is not to say that it is a lesser crime- just recognising the reality that for some women, the way out/options for independence are not as easy!!

But, having said that, if I can help in any way, if I can repay or return the support i have been given, I am only too happy to do so. I just worry that in relating my story, I will come across as negative to some women who may be invested in staying....and it is not for me to decide their fate.
D x


----------



## Nsweet

Right now, you haven't made a clear decision so it doesn't matter what anyone says to you. Another way to think of this would be to consider yourself planning on a separation vacation. You're going to leave when you can at some point, but you're not sure of anything yet and no hotels have been booked or classes signed up for. You're just sure you want to go but that's it.

The 180 I'm talking about in this case is for you to pull away from this marriage and start living for yourself. Not necessarily having an affair, because that would end up making you feel worse and affairs rarely work out. What I mean here is for you get a hobby and take something like an exercise class on your own for yourself. You may as well pick up where you left off with hobbies you had from before marriage and get yourself an Xbox 360 with a kinnect and Just Dance 3, who care it your life and you're going to have fun while he tries to bury his problems in knuckle children.


----------



## eyuop

Nsweet said:


> Step 1: Read everything here. Wikihow put it better than I could. How to Get Your Husband to Stop Looking at Porn: 6 Steps
> 
> Step 2: Get ready to either move out yourself or kick him out. Making sure you tell him exactly why you don't want to try anymore. You say "I can't be married to a porn addict".
> 
> Step 3: Follow the 180 to a T! Let him freak out, cry, and masturbate all he wants and get his own sh!t together. Usually that fear of loss sets in around the 3rd week when you cut him out completely.
> 
> Step 4: Give him an ultimatum after 3-6 weeks of complete NO CONTACT, either therapy and porn rehab or divorce. Don't fall for any promises to change or have him take care of it on his own because you've tried than and he can't.
> 
> Step 5: If hasn't got his sh!t together after 2 months. Surprise him with divorce papers, do two more months of NO CONTACT or LIMITED CONTACT (no talk unless it's about the divorce), and wait and see how he wants to take it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but in that time frame before mediation and divorce. If he proves to you that he cares about you and want this marriage he's going to do it as a last ditch effort. If he can't get it together in that 6 months, then he's not your problem.
> 
> You can sit at your computer and cry about how YOUR ACTIONS have no effect on him, or you can treat this situation the same way you would with a husband who's addicted to alcohol or hard drugs and play HARD BALL! You have to put your foot down and not let him get away with false promises and relapses, like a lot of the cheaters do... And you have to force yourself to not mother him. He's a grown ass man perfectly capably of getting his sh!t together without you. He doesn't need you to nag him or pressure him because he's just going to rebel against you.... But if you leave, because your love is enabling him... He'll either acknowledge his problem and find help or lose you so he can keep masturbating.


This does not apply to her situation. He isn't "just" looking at porn. He is cheating on her with real people. That is a much more serious situation and following these steps isn't what she needs to do now. Most likely he has been a sex addict for years, got married, and then fell back into being a sex addict after the flames for him died down a bit. He needs Sexual Addiction counseling and she needs to leave him because he has broken his marriage contract.


----------



## Hope1964

I'm married to a sex addict and choose to stay. But he's been sober for almost 3 years. I would never stay with someone who continued to cheat.

Good for you for taking your life back


----------



## Nsweet

eyuop said:


> Most likely he has been a sex addict for years, got married, and then fell back into being a sex addict after the flames for him died down a bit.


That's what I was thinking. He's had issues with sex addiction long before now that are only resurfacing due to stress, and this is his relapse. 

The steps I gave apply for cheaters too! Or have you not heard of the hard 180 Eyuop? You try everything conventional MC has to offer like talking to them about their problem and pulling away first. If that doesn't work, you can at least say you tried before you play HARD BALL. Once you get to that stage you walk out, go strictly no contact, and slam them with walking papers while you live your life and wait to be free again. 

And the next time before you jump on one of my posts to a BS in a similar situation, skip ahead to the end and see how I walk them through the steps and clarify how the 180, No Contact, and the pulling away action plan can work for them. No two divorces are the same and I realize this, so I will find out what it is they want from their marriage and I will encourage them on either path they want either divorce or reconciliation. But I always push for reconciliation first so at least I can gauge how far along emotionally they are. I also regularly keep in contact with all of the people I talk to on here and will support them on their goals as they change. What Depressed and Dazed needed to hear is that it's not her fault for her husband's cheating and sex addiction and it's actually going to be healthier for her in the long run to give up completely, wash her hands of his problems, and life her life like she wants while he deals with the divorce process either deciding his marriage is worth the hard work to save or sinking further into his depression/addiction.


----------



## eyuop

Nsweet said:


> That's what I was thinking. He's had issues with sex addiction long before now that are only resurfacing due to stress, and this is his relapse.


You're intuitive, and probably right.



> The steps I gave apply for cheaters too! Or have you not heard of the hard 180 Eyuop? You try everything conventional MC has to offer like talking to them about their problem and pulling away first. If that doesn't work, you can at least say you tried before you play HARD BALL. Once you get to that stage you walk out, go strictly no contact, and slam them with walking papers while you live your life and wait to be free again.


Heard about it, yes. 



> And the next time before you jump on one of my posts to a BS in a similar situation, skip ahead to the end and see how I walk them through the steps and clarify how the 180, No Contact, and the pulling away action plan can work for them. No two divorces are the same and I realize this, so I will find out what it is they want from their marriage and I will encourage them on either path they want either divorce or reconciliation. But I always push for reconciliation first so at least I can gauge how far along emotionally they are. I also regularly keep in contact with all of the people I talk to on here and will support them on their goals as they change.


I wasn't meaning to jump on your post, and I'm sorry your feathers were ruffled. I'm sure you have been quite helpful to others with this process, and I wasn't belittling this process. I simply noticed that it was specific to people watching porn, and that wasn't the situation in this case.




> What Depressed and Dazed needed to hear is that it's not her fault for her husband's cheating and sex addiction and it's actually going to be healthier for her in the long run to give up completely, wash her hands of his problems, and life her life like she wants while he deals with the divorce process either deciding his marriage is worth the hard work to save or sinking further into his depression/addiction.


I agree


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Thank you all for your replies and support.
NSweet i think you have misunderstood me.
I HAVE left him, 5 weeks ago now. I have made it clear this is final, it is not simply time out/tough love or the 180
I have negotiated a financial settlement, it has been signed off and the money is in my bank. All my possesions are moved. I am never going back there.
I do not speak to him, nor do I need or wish to.
It is over- unequivocally.

He simply is not worthy. I care not the reasons he needed to do/decided to do what he did. I am just glad that it is no longer being done to me!

I am happy in my own place. I am relaxed, eating and sleeping much better than I have in over a year.
I enjoy my life, my friends, family, my job. I look forward to again one day enjoying the company of a man. 
I am now happy- period.
That is the best result, for both him and I.
I don't know nor care too much about his emotional state. i will never ask and hence will never know. 

The reason for my hardline and decided approach is he progressed from porn to other women. I knew this would happen as the need for stimulus increased relative to the tolerance to porn.

No amount of MC could restore my trust- and I could see many decades ahead of me- living in insecurity and living half a life. It really was an easy decision. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result!!!

DD x


----------



## Cosmos

DD, I'm so glad that you made the necessary break and that things are going well for you!


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Thank you Cosmos, sometimes, despite what it is that we want, we just can't have it!!
The decision is ultimately made for us.
I have periods of sadness, but then I think about what he did, and realise it was the only way
D x


----------



## Katia1010

How can you know for sure regarding online chat? I don't know of any recorded History in our home computer and besides with all the "incognito" and privacy modes that are so convenient, how would you know for sure? I suspect, but he denies. I am sorry Depressed and dazed for what you have been through.


----------



## Depressed and dazed

Katia
It is difficult with private mode for browsing and the ability to delete browsing history anyway. But if he is not using private mode, but still deleting browsing history, there are still ways of seeing where he has been via Control Panel and Internet Options. Unless he is quite computer savvy, he will not know this. This of course only applies to desktop or laptop computers. There are other ways for ipad- checking cookie history for example. I did this on my x's laptop and found a list of sites visited, he never knew about this, I did, so I monitored it. And the list grew....

The key to getting to the bottom of what is going on is, watch, wait, observe and and if noticing odd, out of the ordinary behavoiurs, changes in routine, habits, sex, grooming, phone calls, texts (my x deleted the incriminating ones, in front of me!) car mileage, keep a notebook. I used to make entries in a private diary I kept locked in my work desk- at work. Yes, you do have to be detective. When I read through it right at the end of the marriage, just before I ended it- there was a year of odd, decietful and escalating behavoiurs. i could quite clearly see a pattern of his addiction increasing.

I sometimes felt guilty about this, but the bottom line is, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing!! If he was not behaving out of character and lying to me- I would have nothing to observe!!

Listen to your gut too. Chances are if you suspect something, where previously you would never of dreamed of mistrusting him- you are probably right!

But most importantly, you must NOT tip him off to what you know. Yes, this is very difficult to do. To act as if you know nothing, when you really know so much. If you tip him off, lose your cool and accuse him, he will simply become more sneaky and your job gets harder. Stay cool, calm and in control, even when you are shaking with rage. Go to another room, breathe, gather your thoughts before he notices something is wrong.

Follow these steps and you will either find out he has the occasional look at porn- and the key here is occasional. Or you will find out, as I did, he has online dating profiles, chat contacts, prolific porn- all of whihc he prefaced over sex with a partner. And, as I knew it would, his behaviour escalted to massage parlours.

Be strong, be patient and be smart. Then, if you find the evidence you think you will, plan your exit too. Do not tip him off to that until you have it all sorted. then act.
Keep me posted- if i can offer help, I will.
You can read over my earlier posts to see the damage this does to us women.
Take care Katia, keep your head together. DDx


----------



## Katia1010

Thank you for your message D&D - I am afraid to say it is way too late for not reacting. I have reacted, but he was already in the "private" incognito mode and in addition to that when his computer starts up the key scrambler activates with a pop-up. He is clever and very computer smart. I found his usernames on Yahoo search and google search with comments he made to women and I photocopied them. Told him I knew about them and low and behold when I look now, they are gone! He told me it wasn't he who wrote them. How's that for laughable. How did he delete them? I don't know. He also gets on pay-sites, but tells me he never pays for porn. How does he do that? Anyway, I have screen capture pics and copies of some things I hold onto for validation. My stomach turns everyday. I have been married for 35 years. Very sad and angry.


----------



## eyuop

Katia1010 said:


> Thank you for your message D&D - I am afraid to say it is way too late for not reacting. I have reacted, but he was already in the "private" incognito mode and in addition to that when his computer starts up the key scrambler activates with a pop-up. He is clever and very computer smart. I found his usernames on Yahoo search and google search with comments he made to women and I photocopied them. Told him I knew about them and low and behold when I look now, they are gone! He told me it wasn't he who wrote them. How's that for laughable. How did he delete them? I don't know. He also gets on pay-sites, but tells me he never pays for porn. How does he do that? Anyway, I have screen capture pics and copies of some things I hold onto for validation. My stomach turns everyday. I have been married for 35 years. Very sad and angry.


FYI, you can go to websites that crack pay sites. They basically share user names and passwords. Pay sites hate these "free password" sites and they do their best to shut down shared password entrants -- but there are always some who manage to get in. If your husband is computer save, he could probably get into pay sites pretty easily for free.


----------



## jjons

My wife is on site too i hate it .but out of the blue she say she wants divorce and has sex with guys and on sex site and shows the world her naked pictures of her herself for anybody to see and i am not supposed to bring it up. She says she as the right to do it plus still wants to be frIends. I HAVE SEEN THE SITE AND PROFILE SHE MADE OUT.plus no talk of divorce i am confused myself


----------



## Katia1010

eyuop said:


> FYI, you can go to websites that crack pay sites. They basically share user names and passwords. Pay sites hate these "free password" sites and they do their best to shut down shared password entrants -- but there are always some who manage to get in. If your husband is computer save, he could probably get into pay sites pretty easily for free.


I imagine he does get into the pay sites for free. This particular one I believe he had to belong to because he is using his own username to post comments. He is also using the google cloud proxypy, but still posting under his username. I noticed one post where he tried to confuse me by posting that he was from Fargo, ND. Oh yeah, everyone is stupid, but not him. I am growing weary and becoming physically ill because of his lies.


----------



## Katia1010

Also eyuop - if my husband got into this free paysite without paying I doubt if he would have used his own username. He tells me these recent posts/comments that are turning up on google and yahoo searches of his username must be someone who has the same name as he does. This is an unusual username he uses. I am totally confused by this and hope that if anyone out there can explain to me how this works I would appreciate it. Thanks.....K


----------



## eyuop

Katia1010 said:


> Also eyuop - if my husband got into this free paysite without paying I doubt if he would have used his own username. He tells me these recent posts/comments that are turning up on google and yahoo searches of his username must be someone who has the same name as he does. This is an unusual username he uses. I am totally confused by this and hope that if anyone out there can explain to me how this works I would appreciate it. Thanks.....K


Katia1010, you know what's going on. He will continue to cover his tracks. But knowing (or trying to prove things) isn't going to solve anything. You need to decide what you want in your relationship and write it all out. I wouldn't dwell on his problems, as he continues to deny them. After he reads the letter, tell him you would like one from him, too -- what does he want from your relationship together -- how would he like it to be, not simply how it is right now. Read both of the letters together and then discuss them with each other. Prepare for some trouble (even a fight) as emotions can get pretty raw if communication hasn't happened the way it need to be happening. Resentment, grief, guilt, shame, anger -- all normal responses -- may come out. In fact, the more that comes out, the better.

Blaming him isn't going to solve your problem, even if it is his fault. You need to get beyond trying to balance the scales (which have been way lopsided) and to where you want to be. You can't make the scales balance right now. It is impossible. But you can discuss your future together and possibly work toward a balance in the future.

Hope to you and yours!


----------



## now_awake

There's no way he has fully realized that he's a sex addict. Maybe suggest to him that he reads Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. If he can't admit his problem, he will certainly end up hurting someone else. Not that it's your problem! It's just the sad reality of it. It sucks. 
Right now I want to run away from my H. I did the moment after I found out about his secret life. I have stayed so far because of my kids. He has admitted his problem and has been in 12 steps. If it weren't for the kids though, I would have washed my hands of this marriage. But for their sake, I want to give him every chance at recovery. It's a tough place to be. 
I'm glad you were able to untangle yourself from his mess!


----------

