# Apathy in marriage



## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

After some discussion with a friend, I just realized that I am apathetic towards my marriage. I hate to admit it but I am pretty indifferent when it comes to my relationship with my spouse. My marital responsibilities are carried out due to obligation and not desire. I am not passionate nor motivated to improve the relationship. My communication is the bare minimum. This really came to light a few weeks ago, when I did pick up a book to improve my relationship - but never made it past the first chapter and lost interest. I hate to be apathetic, but i just do not know where I want the relationship to go - I am not leaning towards separation - nor can I see enduring the relationship any longer. I know I am blessed with what I have - but all I can do right now is live day to day. 

Curious if others have experienced an apathetic marriage and how others became motivated to improve the relationship.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Are there underlying reasons for your apathy? Other issues in your relationship that have never been addressed? You used the word "enduring", which makes me think that there are things going on that have caused you to become apathetic. The only way I can see anything improving for you is to answer those questions for yourself and then decide if there is any way to fix your issues.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

cantletgo - 
The apathy comes from some frustration and a feeling of powerlessness regarding the relationship. My spouse is who he is and I can not change that. Underlying issues - the main ones are: different set of priorities (example - saving for college v. buying a vehicle for a teenager), his selfishness (everything revolves around his needs and desires - mine always take second place and I do have some resentment and anger towards myself regarding this), his pessimistic or negative attitude towards others (I am tired of hearing that I (we) live in a ghetto and that every person riding their bike or walking along the street is a loser), lack of interest in me - who I am and what is going on in my life(I always ask how his day was and try to engage in converstation but never get that in return) and last is probably his difficulty to adapt to our changing society (regarding child rearing - our kids are growing up in a different world than we did - we need to understand that and do our best to reinforce our family values and give them to tools to succeed in a changing world). 

On the positive side, he is responsible - has a good job, takes care of the male oriented house and property maintenance items, and does care for and is committed to his family. He does not drink, gamble or spend too much time with the "boys". He still finds me attractive and continually talks about our future.


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## cedarville (Jan 20, 2015)

To: cantletgo...unless you haven't revealed all of the issues with your husband I'd say you are in a better place than I am. My hubs does go to work but has stated that he is tired of working and wants to quit (he just turned 60). I asked him what he'd do all day and he said, "nothing". Which is what he does when he is at home after work or on weekends. Nothing. Our house is falling apart all around us and he doesn't seem to care. The thing is, he is a handyman, maintenance person in his job so he is capeable of fixing or repairing just about anything our house needs. There are holes in the siding from the rotted wood. We've been in the house 12 years and he's still never painted it even though it looks horrible (and we are in a nice neighborhood). He doesn't speak to me unless he needs something. Ignores me for the most part. Sits in another room to watch TV. We don't fight because we don't talk. When I try to talk, ask him about his day or "help" him do anything he just gets angry and walks away. I've asked his why but he won't tell me why. I went to a counselor for a few months, asked him to join me but he didn't. Been like this for two or three years now. Frustrated.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

skitown said:


> cantletgo -
> The apathy comes from some frustration and a feeling of powerlessness regarding the relationship. My spouse is who he is and I can not change that. Underlying issues - the main ones are: different set of priorities (example - saving for college v. buying a vehicle for a teenager), his selfishness (everything revolves around his needs and desires - mine always take second place and I do have some resentment and anger towards myself regarding this), his pessimistic or negative attitude towards others (I am tired of hearing that I (we) live in a ghetto and that every person riding their bike or walking along the street is a loser), lack of interest in me - who I am and what is going on in my life(I always ask how his day was and try to engage in converstation but never get that in return) and last is probably his difficulty to adapt to our changing society (regarding child rearing - our kids are growing up in a different world than we did - we need to understand that and do our best to reinforce our family values and give them to tools to succeed in a changing world).
> 
> On the positive side, he is responsible - has a good job, takes care of the male oriented house and property maintenance items, and does care for and is committed to his family. He does not drink, gamble or spend too much time with the "boys". He still finds me attractive and continually talks about our future.


It's interesting to me that you chose to call your inability to change who your partner is as "powerlessness in the relationship." No one has the power to change who their partner is as a person. Now it's possible you don't like who he is as a person, or you have a lot of problems with who he is as a person, but that's not the same thing as being "powerless." Because then you say everything "revolves around" his needs and desires, and yours "always take second place." Well, says who? Does he force things to be that way? Or do you not stick up for your needs and desires? Are you powerless, or are you failing or refusing to take things into your own hands?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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