# How often do you cry?



## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

Just wondering what's considered normal.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Is there really any way to measure what's normal when it comes to crying? People cry from all kinds of things. 

Are you talking a few glistening tears or straight up sobbing with hiccups and the whole nine?

I'd say if you're sobbing daily maybe you should talk to someone about that. If you're the softy who gets choked up while watching a touching movie I'd say you're doing ok and don't have anything to worry about.

For me,I'm a stress and frustration crier. When I get so frustrated and feeling beat down I will find a private space and cry it out. Happens at least once a week mostly from work issues.


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## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

Good point. I don't mean crying while watching movies. I mean crying because you are upset about something. I mean at least a few tears, but it doesn't have to be full out sobbing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I hardly ever cry. I hate to cry!!!!! Makes my eyes puffy and smears my eye liner...

I went through a terribly stressful 2 years a short time ago. Towards the end, last 12 months or so, I couldn't cry! During that time I had to put my dog down and was understandably terribly upset, but I could not cry. It was so strange....


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## meg0980 (Dec 25, 2013)

I cry and get choked up when I watch a sad or touching movie, or if a loved dies in our family. If when my hubby and I have a fight, I will cry out of anger and frustration.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think that also depends on what the something is.

For me,if I'm upset enough to shed tears about my relationship more than once every few months,something is wrong and needs to change asap.That would tell me my frustration level is way too high and things need to be addressed.

What do you feel is normal? Are you upset about something regularly and crying bc of it?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

During most of my marriage I cried anywhere from once a week to once every couple of months. During the last year of my marriage, it was more like a few times a week to daily. 

Since my divorce? Three times in 5 months. And two of those were a direct result of extreme frustration with my idiot ex-husband, while the other was from laughing so hard with my best friend that I nearly wet myself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> ?.., while the other was from laughing so hard with my best friend that I nearly wet myself.


That is the BEST! I have two friend like that. Must remember the Depends next time we get together!


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## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

My wife cries about every other day and has been for the 8 months or so that we've been married. Sometimes it's because of me, sometimes it's not. I am trying to be as understanding and loving as possible.

This morning she couldn't find her work pants and she started crying and hyperventilating. I held for a while and we breathed deeply together, but I don't think that was normal at all. Then that got me thinking about how often she cries, which is why I started this topic, just to see if this is abnormal.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not a woman, but post a link to your other thread. IMHO, your wife is not "emotionally normal", from what I recall. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/156857-how-resolve-differences.html

She grew up with a hoarding single mother and became a cutter and a bulimic, but that was all before we met. We dated long distance for about 2 years before getting married.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When appropriate...meaning, situations that nobody can do anything about, that are heartbreaking. Once I have the cry, I don't need to repeat it. I get over the situation, as it can't be remedied or is now water under the bridge, and carry on. 

If it's something that I can do something about, then I don't cry. It's possible to take deep breaths and gather oneself together without crying, or panicking.

With the wife who cries because she can't find her pants, it's possible she has some kind of biological cross-wiring...crying because of being frustrated or panicked (going to be late for work...) usually crying would be the result of the consequence (being late for work, being fired...) but in her case the crying comes as a result of thinking about the consequences of the worst case scenario. Which is made even more probable by the crying...because crying doesn't help anyone find anything, except maybe making a box of tissues appear. Don't enable her, whatever you do. Just calmly state that it's not your problem (even if her being out of a job will be) and step away from the situation...if it doesn't involve you in the first place.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> For me,I'm a stress and frustration crier. When I get so frustrated and feeling beat down I will find a private space and cry it out. Happens at least once a week mostly from work issues.


Me too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Me too.


 I always feel so much better once I get it out. I think clearer and my focus is sharper. Kind of like pulling the plug on poison in your mind and letting it all go. 

I'll never be someone who judges people for crying to release tension.Thankful to not have any people in my life that have a problem with a person going off by themselves to shed a few tears til they feel more centered.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I always feel so much better once I get it out. I think clearer and my focus is sharper. Kind of like pulling the plug on poison in your mind and letting it all go.
> 
> I'll never be someone who judges people for crying to release tension.Thankful to not have any people in my life that have a problem with a person going off by themselves to shed a few tears til they feel more centered.


I feel a lot better after a good cry too.

I don't cry in front of people, I'm pretty emotionless around others. But I often cry alone, to release stress and frustration like you. It really helps!

I'm feeling pretty down right now, maybe it's time for a good cry. lol


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I hate crying, it gives me a headache. I cry only if there is a death in the family or some sort of major problem, less than once a year would be my guess.

Not counting sad movies


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

I"m not a crier...by any means.
I think the last time I really cried is when my sheltie died in '07. She was put to sleep in my arms....and boy....did I ever ball my eyes out.

When I do cry.....I cry alone. 
When I"m weepy eyed....on goes the sunglasses.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not someone who cries regularly. Sure I cry when loved ones pass away or when a beloved pet died of cancer, but I'm not a stress or frustration crier. When a pet I had for many years died last year, I cried at work when I told my boss. That was very unusual for me. I wasn't embarassed though. I showed up to work the day after my pet had been put down and I was still upset about the whole experience. In general, I don't feel comfortable crying around others. It probably has to do with my upbringing. I honestly can't remember my parents crying over anything other than maybe the death of a parent.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm a big time boo hooer.

I cry when i'm sad and when I really mad and when I'm laughing so hard it makes me cry, sometime I cry with pride for my kids, i cry at weddings and funerals, i cry when people I love/care about cry (not sure why that happens), I even lost a job once because NO-ONE needs a crying nurse apparently!!! Who figured?

but i have never cried because i lost a 'thing' .... not since i was a little kid.

I'd say your wife needs to learning some coping mechanisms for her crying... and as loving and sweet as you are being...you're possibly enabling the situation somewhat. I learnt to control my breathing... and in turn i can control my tears...sounds similar in some ways to your wife.


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## mxpx4182 (Jan 7, 2014)

I don't see a problem with being moved to tears from joy or laughter. That's pretty awesome if you get that excited about something haha. My wife never cries from being too happy though, it's always anxiety or hurt. I completely forgot people cry for other reasons lol


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife is not a TAM member but reads what I post. She said I can answer on her behalf. My wife is a bit more stoic than other women I had been associated with in my past. This is not to say she lacks compassion, but she chooses her words carefully and thus does not say much. And, she does not wear her heart on her sleeve often. Most of her tears are due to family situations. The death of her father and of course my oldest son who has ASD. The latter one, many tears have been shed by both of us.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Omg I cry at anything! If I am happy, I cry. If I am sad, I cry. If I am pissed off, I cry. Watching movies, I cry. I am a big ol' SAP! It sucks to cry when you're angry, it makes me feel like I look weak when that happens.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking of feeling like a sap... I cried like a big old goof when watching "Love Actually" with my GF at Christmas this year. I don't think she judges me for that, but I bought some power tools at Christmas just to get back my man-card. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Where is the 'once every ten years' option?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I'd say with my wife about once a week, I however haven't cried since I was 6.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Quant said:


> I'd say with my wife about once a week, I however haven't cried since I was 6.



You get a slap round the head for crying as a boy.

"Why're you crying? You got other fingers - now get back to chopping the firewood."


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> You get a slap round the head for crying as a boy.
> 
> "Why're you crying? You got other fingers - now get back to chopping the firewood."


Especially as someone raised in a Russian family.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife was raised in a second generation Japanese American culture. It hard to explain it but they are very protective of their emotions in public. On the other hand, while Hawaiians are from a warrior class of people we are very passionate and wear our heart on our sleeve. I am my wife's yin to her yang.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If I cry, it's because I am beyond p!ssed. When that happens, people need to leave me alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Quant said:


> Especially as someone raised in a Russian family.


That is tough. Russian peasant families remind me of the red Indians in the book 'white fang'. Was that pretty much how it was?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> That is tough. Russian peasant families remind me of the red Indians in the book 'white fang'. Was that pretty much how it was?


"red Indians"...... They're called Native Americans or First Nations (in Canada).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think crying every day at the drop of a hat, needs looking into. I wouldn't consider that normal.

The times I've observed colleagues crying fairly regularly at work have been creative people, and in a culture where they didn't feel supported - and that likely needed to be dealt with - not their emotion. Those feelings have to come out somehow, particularly if it's not communicated and dealt with in a trusted environment. We need people deeply in touch with their emotions though. Isn't that how great art, music and poetry eminates from much of the time? Not necessarily from crying but from the feeling and expression of that. Ideally there's a balance though, as with everything.

Personally I'm not one to cry often and it's unlikely to be through frustration. Depending on life events, I'd cry a couple of times a year if deeply affected emotionally. I'm more the type to need space and retreat to music, play an instrument; to have a creative outlet. It's what I did as a teenager when feeling upset. Hours could be spent on the piano. That was my outlet for releasing undealt-with emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mxpx4182 said:


> Good point.* I don't mean crying while watching movies. I mean crying because you are upset about something. I mean at least a few tears, but it doesn't have to be full out sobbing.*


..I tear up very easily watching movies, hearing certain songs -they turn me to complete mush... and I have to turn them off or here comes the faucet..."Cats in the Cradle", "Tears in a Bottle", "Remember When", "Dance with my Father".."Everything I own"... oh the list goes on.....husband always tells me to "get a grip"... but really these are GOOD tears, happiness tears, memory tears, moving tears. I LIKE to be alive unto my emotions... I feel it's cleansing...

Maybe I am a masochist as I enjoy Tear Jerker movies too... so long as a child doesn't get killed.. .or something like







... OMG, I can not handle that movie!

I have also balled reading some of the marriage stories here, especially the sexless... so reading others stories touch me deeply, then I get ANGRY and start writing .....

Though out & about...in person... even at funerals, I RARELY cry, I think my husband has been more emotional than me in this... though I've started to get teary eyed singing in Church (again music).... the songs touched my spirit - even though I'm not a christian, this still happens... or seeing our son do the "Everything Skit"...every time.. or certain dramas our Church puts on....



> *heartsbeating said*: *Personally I'm not one to cry often and it's unlikely to be through frustration. Depending on life events, I'd cry a couple of times a year if deeply affected emotionally*.
> 
> *I'm more the type to need space and retreat to music, play an instrument; to have a creative outlet. It's what I did as a teenager when feeling upset. Hours could be spent on the piano. That was my outlet for releasing undealt-with emotion*.


This is me too... well twice a year (maybe 3) if deeply affected emotionally...those anger /frustration, feeling harshly judged by a friend....this can BLOW me over.... I allow myself to take this deeply ... then I have to wade through it... and let it go... but I am different than many here, I don't want space.. I need to talk .. my husband is always there.. . I've cried during fights... but these are me being overly dramatic / overly emotional during pms - heck I cry at Hallmark commercials when that is going on!!







It's a little whacked! (never had this intensity till my 40's)

Or I will start Writing... thank God for the delete key!.. as I verbally Rage -then delete knowing this will serve nothing...as I slowly deal with my unruly emotions..... this has always been my "personal therapy"... I have to understand ME.. and work through the who/ the why/ what role I played....face myself .... in any conflict ... I am unsettled until I attempt to make peace with those I care about....as much as I can - yet still be true to myself..


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I'm also an easy one to cry. Over anything. Happy tears, sad tears, proud tears. I have a dog that I love so much I sometimes cry just thinking about how much I love her and how glad I am to have her in my life. Movies, music, daydreams, memories (good or bad), some of these posts here on TAM, and the list goes on. I cried when a co-worker told me her brother died. We aren't even close friends, just co-workers. By the time we parted ways she was trying to console ME. That's a twist! I'm just a very emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to try hard not to but it was useless. Now, I give in to it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I never cry.

I'm a vampire.

Muahahaha.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am emotional, too, Daisy. And I have given up on controlling it, too. Actually, not sure I ever did try to control it, lol.

I was crying like crazy here yesterday morning, after catching flack on active listening and some other stuff. I am so sensitive. I think that's why I care so much about people.

And I just don't think I'll ever be tough. Or not let things bother me. And I am becoming okay with that. Somebody has to have that tender heart of flesh, right?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I cry a lot more than I used to, but typically only my partner can move me to tears. Before, I'd cry maybe once or twice a year, if that.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

jld said:


> I am emotional, too, Daisy. And I have given up on controlling it, too. Actually, not sure I ever did try to control it, lol.
> 
> I was crying like crazy here yesterday morning, after catching flack on active listening and some other stuff. I am so sensitive. I think that's why I care so much about people.
> 
> And I just don't think I'll ever be tough. Or not let things bother me. And I am becoming okay with that. Somebody has to have that tender heart of flesh, right?


Aww, JLD.  People can be such jerks. I think you're a nice person and I like seeing your posts around TAM demonstrating kindness and compassion towards others. If people are unkind to you, especially when you so obviously mean well, then that reflects poorly on them, not you.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

My children softened me up big time. I have... HAD a reputation of being stone hearted before I had my boys. Never cried at funerals or movies or being scared etc. Now I cry at everything. I hate it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cleigh said:


> My children softened me up big time. I have... HAD a reputation of being stone hearted before I had my boys. Never cried at funerals or movies or being scared etc. Now I cry at everything. I hate it.


Why do you hate it?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I think crying every day at the drop of a hat, needs looking into. I wouldn't consider that normal.


I agree. I think if one cries daily or a few times a week even, perhaps the person should look at what's driving them to tears. Sometimes I think certain people are overly sensitive and thin skinned. They perceive criticism in everything even when none is intended. It's no fun to be with someone who is in victim mode. 

I have to work with a woman who takes so many things personally. One has to walk on eggshells talking to her. We work in a male dominated industry. Once she cried at work over something that wasn't even stressful (by the standards of our industry or even normal office practices), she left work early even though it was still around 10:00 a.m. To this day, people still remember that incident and it doesn't reflect well on her. Is that fair? Perhaps not. But crying at work because you're frustrated is a seriously career limiting move. You might as well kiss goodbye any hope of getting a promotion because you'll be perceived as too weak for the rigors of management.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If I'm crying, it's most likely because someone is dead or dying. I don't really cry much at anything else. I find it more uncomfortable than cathartic and like the post above--it doesn't really present well to others, particularly in a professional environment.

Clearly there's a huge spectrum, but OP, I would say that crying to the point of hyperventilating because you can't find your pants is a bit over the top.


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

I voted about once a month, but it varies a lot for me. I would say I'm not much of a crier. I don't cry from happiness and sometimes I don't cry when I'm super upset. I'm more likely to cry from frustration or at random if I just happen to be sitting there reminiscing about something. I may have weeks where I cry every day and then go months without shedding a tear. I'm not sure that there is a "normal."


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> I agree. I think if one cries daily or a few times a week even, perhaps the person should look at what's driving them to tears. Sometimes I think certain people are overly sensitive and thin skinned. They perceive criticism in everything even when none is intended. It's no fun to be with someone who is in victim mode.


I agree it should be considered what's driving someone to tears if occurring regularly. Some are more sensitive than others... and maybe the environment isn't conducive to them? 



Coffee Amore said:


> I have to work with a woman who takes so many things personally. One has to walk on eggshells talking to her. We work in a male dominated industry. Once she cried at work over something that wasn't even stressful (by the standards of our industry or even normal office practices), she left work early even though it was still around 10:00 a.m. To this day, people still remember that incident and it doesn't reflect well on her. Is that fair? Perhaps not. But crying at work because you're frustrated is a seriously career limiting move. You might as well kiss goodbye any hope of getting a promotion because you'll be perceived as too weak for the rigors of management.


One woman I worked with was like this. She'd cry at her desk nearly each day. I felt it was partly her disposition and partly the environment of that workplace. I adored her; she was a lovely person and extremely talented. I'd speak my mind to the owner (and boss) and he once told me that if he knew he could walk over someone, he would - he didn't respect her emotional states. The combination didn't lend itself to being a supportive culture. I think a good leader knows how to get the best out of people; not break them down. We all need to take responsibility for ourselves though - if something isn't working to the point of feeling upset regularly, consider what needs to be changed, however my feeling is that a supportive workplace is where one can feel 'safe' to express. 

I understand the perception you refer to though Coffee Amore. Another woman was having melt-downs regularly at work. Corporate environment. When the executives started rolling their eyes at her behavior, it's just a matter of time. Thing is, again, maybe that environment and/or role wasn't suited to her. She had a complete career change and became a school teacher.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I know many women who cry under stress or frustration. I don't think anything of it. Doesn't mean they're sad or even unhappy. They just get overloaded and crying is there way of releasing that tension and letting go.

I used to think this was something I should console, maybe part of that man-thought to "fix"... but its not. Relate, but don't baby and especially don't judge. Just think of it as a mind clearing walk. I take out my stress on weights at the gym... other people cry out their stress. Nothing wrong with it imo.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I've only ever properly cried during one event in my adult life, when my wife and I had our 'problems' about twenty years ago and separated. I had a few days, week whatever where I would randomly burst into tears.

Quite apart from what was going on it made me feel awful, so low and ashamed. A grown man who 'fixed' everything reduced to blubbing like a baby.

Also last year Mrs Wysh had been under loads of stress with work, home, whatever. She came home for lunch while I was home and sobbed. It affected me so much that I had tears welling in my eyes too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm not a gal, but from a man's perspective, it's not too often that I cry other than some funerals, or some catastrophic event. And I know that I definitely cried upon seeing each of my son's born. 

And I might add that at some movies, namely last years Oscar winning film, Les Miserables, as well as an old Steve Martin Film from the 1990's called Leap of Faith.

I controllably sobbed during the initial stages of finding out about the requests for each of my divorces along with the resultant hardships that they caused. And sometimes when I think of my deceased parents or kid brother, I'll occasionally shed a tear.

But it's just not all that often that I will do it! But when I do have to cry, it does not shame me one single bit!*


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> "red Indians"...... They're called Native Americans or First Nations (in Canada).


I prefer 'Red Indians'. They're not Americans.

I follow Sitting Bull when he says:

"God made me an Indian".

"I am a red man. If the Great Spirit had desired me to be a white man he would have made me so in the first place."

Calling them Native Americans is an attempt to make them forget the past, and become 'poor relatives' - SB:

"I do not wish to be shut up in a corral. All agency Indians I have seen are worthless. They are neither red warriors nor white farmers. They are neither wolf nor dog."

These new terms are the latest attempt to fool people into forgetting their family history, and accepting their Anglo-american overlords.

Same with the term 'African-american'. Malcolm X:

"No, I’m not an American. I’m one of 22 million black people who are the victims of Americanism. One of the … victims of democracy, nothing but disguised hypocrisy. So I’m not standing here speaking to you as an American, or a patriot, or a flag-saluter, or a flag-waver – no, not I!"

Sorry to be difficult, but someone has to remember. 

I'm not 'european' or 'caucasian' for example, because again, that's to make me think the Germans are my friends. Our true friends are the Commonwealth.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> I prefer 'Red Indians'. They're not Americans.


It's not what _you_ prefer. It's what they want to be called these days. The term you used is an ethnic slur. But if that's what you prefer then carry on with using an archaic term that's considered derogatory... 


/threadjack over


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> I've only ever properly cried during one event in my adult life, when my wife and I had our 'problems' and separated. I had a few days, week whatever where I would randomly burst into tears.
> 
> Quite apart from what was going on it made me feel awful, so low and ashamed. A grown man who 'fixed' everything reduced to blubbing like a baby.
> 
> Last year Mrs Wysh had been under loads of stress with work, home, whatever. She came home for lunch while I was home and sobbed. It affected me so much that I had tears welling in my eyes too.


That is so sweet, Wysh. (that last paragraph)

And don't worry about crying when you separated. It just means you really love her!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Once a month. Seems to coincide with the date my credit card statement comes in. Not sure why.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

* waves madly * Hi CoM.

Carry on.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

mxpx4182 said:


> My wife cries about every other day and has been for the 8 months or so that we've been married. Sometimes it's because of me, sometimes it's not. I am trying to be as understanding and loving as possible.
> 
> This morning she couldn't find her work pants and she started crying and hyperventilating. I held for a while and we breathed deeply together, but I don't think that was normal at all. Then that got me thinking about how often she cries, which is why I started this topic, just to see if this is abnormal.


OP, I’ve read your responses here and in your other thread and in my opinion your wife is suffering from more than just a few tears shed out of frustration. I don’t know her, am not a clinician (not even on the internet!), so I’m not going to throw around diagnoses but what you describe sounds like major impairment to me. If she cannot function enough to work part time consistently, care for herself/her home, and goes from DEFCON 5 to 1 over misplaced work pants…something deeper is afoot and beyond the scope of internet opinions and advice. Her history of cutting/self-abuse, bulimia, near-death inpatient intervention for her eating disorder, and her recent bouts of weeping and expressions of thanatotic ideas/preoccupation with death, no matter how seemingly benign, should all be taken very seriously and although expense may be an issue given your current situation, you should really consider seeking help for her and yourself. I feel for you and am so very sorry for your troubles and wish you and your wife the best in dealing with this difficult time in your lives. Godspeed.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> * waves madly * Hi CoM.
> 
> Carry on.


Greetings from what I hope is the winter of my discontent, Charlie! Good to see you.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

jld said:


> That is so sweet, Wysh. (that last paragraph)
> 
> And don't worry about crying when you separated. It just means you really love her!


I know, but I was brought up very traditionally. Boys did not cry, they fought back, sucked it up and in my case looked after my sisters.
It just completely knocked the stuffing out of me.

The recent thing with Mrs Wysh I had posted about on one of the many 'alpha' threads.
And the responses I got prompted the only time Mrs Wysh ever posted on here as she wanted to defend me from being thought too beta.
It was a lovely reply from her and I saved it I liked it so much.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> I know, but I was brought up very traditionally. Boys did not cry, they fought back, sucked it up and in my case looked after my sisters.
> It just completely knocked the stuffing out of me.
> 
> The recent thing with Mrs Wysh I had posted about on one of the many 'alpha' threads.
> ...


It sounds like you have a very good marriage. All the best to you and Mrs. Wysh!


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> It's not what _you_ prefer. It's what they want to be called these days. The term you used is an ethnic slur. But if that's what you prefer then carry on with using an archaic term that's considered derogatory...
> 
> 
> /threadjack over


I don’t want to threadjack either but this discussion is always interesting/important to me. I’m deeply committed to Native rights and am fascinated by the history of indigenous peoples; one of my degrees is in “Native American Studies” and I’ve been around “Native peoples” a lot, been to many a powwow and sweat lodge, have even slept in a traditional roundhouse, and my husband is half Cherokee/Ponca and my in-laws and now my husband and I live in the heart of “Indian Country”. I’m always extra careful to refer to “American Indians” as “Native Americans”, but I just have to laugh at myself and my PC-ness…9 times out of 10 if you refer to them as such they will correct you and self-identify as “Indian”! Many will identify by tribe but as an “ethnicity” or when referring to Native peoples in the Americas, “Indian” seems to be the identifier of choice. I myself am part Tarahumara and Apache but do not have documentation of blood quantum so I find myself referring to that part of my heritage as my “Indian blood”. 

Anyway, Indian, American Indian, Native American, Indigenous Peoples, First Nations…each tribe is autonomous and a nation in their own right…however they wish to refer to themselves is how they should be referred to. I myself would never use the term “red Indian” or any “red” reference for Indian people and I’ve never heard an Indian person refer to themselves as a “red Indian” but every one of my relatives, in-laws, Indian friends and acquaintances have awesome, self-deprecating senses of humor and don’t take themselves or PC issues nearly as seriously as I do. Still…words are important and if you’re not Native American you probably shouldn’t be using what could be interpreted as offensive slang to refer to a group of people to which you are not a member. Just my two cents….or rather my two Indian head pennies…huh…huh…see what I did there?!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> I’m most definitely “Abby Normal”


Ha, I just had a flashback. I fell madly in love with a woman who used to call herself this.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

CoM - My husband has native blood too. It's not a lot, but it's there. You'd never guess it looking at him though. 



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Ha, I just had a flashback. I fell madly in love with a woman who used to call herself this.


Young Frankenstein is one of my favorite movies. There are so many great funny scenes in it.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Ha, I just had a flashback. I fell madly in love with a woman who used to call herself this.


By "flashback" I'm surmising lingering PTSD from narrowly escaping an entanglement with another Abby Normal.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> It's not what _you_ prefer. It's what they want to be called these days. The term you used is an ethnic slur. But if that's what you prefer then carry on with using an archaic term that's considered derogatory...
> 
> 
> /threadjack over


I still disagree, and I will carry on using it. Changing a name doesn't make racism disappear. All that happens is the new name becomes derogatory also.

I think millions of dead would be spinning in their untended mass graves at the thought of being 'American'. 

Be nice if they had their own state where they ruled themselves and spoke their own languages officially. They could call it "Indiana" or something. Then, perhaps, they could proudly call themselves American, as true equals.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> CoM - My husband has native blood too. It's not a lot, but it's there. You'd never guess it looking at him though.
> 
> 
> 
> Young Frankenstein is one of my favorite movies. There are so many great funny scenes in it.


You'd never guess mine was half either...he has golden brown hair and green eyes! 


I <3 Gene Wilder and have seen Young Frankenstein a shameful amount of times. It's to the point that I can't say the word "destiny" without chanting "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping that for me!" in my head.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Probably less than I should be.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> By "flashback" I'm surmising lingering PTSD from narrowly escaping an entanglement with another Abby Normal.


Ha, quite so. Entanglement is the right word. Some good memories though.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> I still disagree, and I will carry on using it. Changing a name doesn't make racism disappear. All that happens is the new name becomes derogatory also.
> 
> I think millions of dead would be spinning in their untended mass graves at the thought of being 'American'.
> 
> Be nice if they had their own state where they ruled themselves and spoke their own languages officially. They could call it "Indiana" or something. Then, perhaps, they could proudly call themselves American, as true equals.


You can certainly feel free to disagree and carry on, Old Chap! Just curious though...have you ever called a Native person "red Indian" to their face? If not...why?

Going into any ethnic group's history, if you somehow went back in time with the aid of a steam bath, wool blankets and some smelling salts and magically asked their ancestors "hey man, how would you feel about being called *insert modern nationality/identifier here*?" many would balk and yes spin in their proverbial graves. But guess what...Native peoples are not relics of the past! They are living, breathing, thriving nations here in modern times who do actually have their own official languages and local tribal sovereignty! And they get to say how they wish to be referred to and/or identified...not you, not me, not anyone but that particular tribe. 

By the by, all of the Native people I know are fiercely proud of being American. Majority of my in-laws have courageously served in our Armed Forces, fought in foreign wars for their country, and they proudly display the American flag in front of their homes and shocker...that actually means something to them! They are after all the first "Americans" and this land which we now refer to as the the United States of *America* was their home long before it was anyone else's, so they can call themselves "Native American", "American Indian", "First Nation", or "Indigenous American" if they bloody well want to!

Now I for one am not going to comment on this any further in this thread as it is not on topic. So good day, sir! Cheerio and all that crap!


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Good for you. It'd be much better if there was a term that wasn't a complete lie and euphemism, an alternative to the old one and the new one. But if the tribes are now happy with being assimilated by their worst enemy, the ones who are left alive anyway, then who am I to stand in the way of "progress".


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I know many women who cry under stress or frustration. I don't think anything of it. Doesn't mean they're sad or even unhappy. They just get overloaded and crying is there way of releasing that tension and letting go.
> 
> I used to think this was something I should console, maybe part of that man-thought to "fix"... but its not. Relate, but don't baby and especially don't judge. Just think of it as a mind clearing walk. I take out my stress on weights at the gym... other people cry out their stress. Nothing wrong with it imo.


Considering a work place, I think any overload of emotion has a similar perception - whether it's crying, someone who is easily and regularly stressed etc. Does that mean workplaces have no room for human emotion? No, it's not that. But I do think there's a general expectation of being able to contain it. If someone feels stressed, has managed to express themselves in a constructive way and then clears their mind at the gym later, it's contained (for lack of better word) and been handled. I don't mean the odd occasion. The overload of emotion and not handling that in a professional setting, unfortunately can be distracting and disruptive to the rest of the team. Thing is, if it's a good culture to begin with, that overload of emotion perhaps wouldn't occur too often anyway. 

...then again...whadda I know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Moovers (Dec 24, 2013)

I have sad fantasies when I am PMSing, my body is sad bc yet another egg is wasted and makes me feel sad, then I sometimes imagine something sad, like even someone dear to me dying.. It is like a day dream or real dream that I am not in control of. 

And I always shed a tear, not like crying for 5 min, just reaching that emotional state and then calming down.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Considering a work place, I think any overload of emotion has a similar perception - whether it's crying, someone who is easily and regularly stressed etc. Does that mean workplaces have no room for human emotion? No, it's not that. But I do think there's a general expectation of being able to contain it. If someone feels stressed, has managed to express themselves in a constructive way and then clears their mind at the gym later, it's contained (for lack of better word) and been handled. I don't mean the odd occasion. The overload of emotion and not handling that in a professional setting, unfortunately can be distracting and disruptive to the rest of the team. Thing is, if it's a good culture to begin with, that overload of emotion perhaps wouldn't occur too often anyway.
> 
> ...then again...whadda I know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree.

Sometimes it can't be avoided though. I waited tables in college and some nights could be insanely stressful. Honestly, that was probably the most stressful job I ever had. There were customers and co-workers I wanted to strangle, there were mistakes I made just because I was juggling too much at once that were hugely frustrating... and some of the outcome is not even in your hands (was the food cooked right?), but you suffer/bear responsibility anyway.

A lot of new hires were gone within a week or two of it. On several occasions a girl asked me to bail her out... to hold down the fort and maintain her tables for a minute so she could go breakdown in the back. There is a point where it all builds up and you crack.

I always thought the male version was yelling, hitting something or getting into a fight. Its more contained than crying maybe, but probably only because the repercussions are more severe.

Man I hated that job. lol


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd be mortified if I let my emotions get to me in front of my coworkers.It would shatter my image.

I'd rather pretend I have explosive bm issues and spend an hour in the restroom til I get my emotions in check than for them to actually see me cry.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well after I read and saw you clarified not from movies, etc. but from actual personal emotional situations I wondered where was the 'once a year' option. Until I saw the replies. Wow - the majority cry from a couple times a month to a couple times a WEEK. Geez. That's sad.

Maybe the ex was right - he said I was "stoic just like my father". I'm very even keeled and it seemed to frustrate him. Then again, he's NPD and therefore likely bi-polar as well although his moods were elation, stoned or enraged. Very little grey area.

Now I wonder if my lack of sadness is bad? I also don't LOL very often but I have laughed til I cried a few times a year and I may cry from sadness or frustration once or twice a year.

ETA - Although I rarely cry from personal frustration or unhappiness, I AM a total sap. I cry at touching movie scenes, moments of pride when I see my daughter do something amazing and any time i see someone else cry my empathy wells up and I cry, too. So I may only cry once or twice a year for personal unhappy reasons but I probably cry a couple times a month at a movie.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Well after I read and saw you clarified not from movies, etc. but from actual personal emotional situations I wondered where was the 'once a year' option. Until I saw the replies. Wow - the majority cry from a couple times a month to a couple times a WEEK. Geez. That's sad.
> 
> Maybe the ex was right - he said I was "stoic just like my father". I'm very even keeled and it seemed to frustrate him. Then again, he's NPD and therefore likely bi-polar as well although his moods were elation, stoned or enraged. Very little grey area.
> 
> ...



I think you and my wife were cut out of the same cloth. I don't see anything wrong.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I couldn't answer the poll either. It would be a couple times a year, depending on life events (such as grieving).

I'll well up with happy/touching moments though including tv shows. I have a heart..and turns out it's still beating.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'd be mortified if I let my emotions get to me in front of my coworkers.It would shatter my image.
> 
> I'd rather pretend I have explosive bm issues and spend an hour in the restroom til I get my emotions in check than for them to actually see me cry.


I had to look up BM issues. Does it say anything about society if showing unhappiness is more shameful than having explosive bm issues?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> I had to look up BM issues. Does it say anything about society if showing unhappiness is more shameful than having explosive bm issues?


It's not shameful unless you don't enjoy showing emotion like that in a place where you're supposed to be a calm,collected professional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And often women are judged negatively in the workplace for crying. It is perceived by male counterparts and managers to mean we are weak and emotional and not in control of ourselves/emotions and implies we are reactive vs. logical. 

Reality is that is a bunch of bull. But perception is reality and bottom line women try very hard to not cry at work. 

It sort of sucks to not be ourselves and be REAL but on the other hand, man are so used to NOT crying for the most part that they don't understand it isn't a weakness when in reality usually it's extreme frustration due to a circumstance that is beyond our control, not a lack of control. But a perception of a lack of self-control in a professional work place can kill a career.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And often women are judged negatively in the workplace for crying. It is perceived by male counterparts and managers to mean we are weak and emotional and not in control of ourselves/emotions and implies we are reactive vs. logical.
> 
> Reality is that is a bunch of bull. But perception is reality and bottom line women try very hard to not cry at work.
> 
> It sort of sucks to not be ourselves and be REAL but on the other hand, man are so used to NOT crying for the most part that they don't understand it isn't a weakness when in reality usually it's extreme frustration due to a circumstance that is beyond our control, not a lack of control. But a perception of a lack of self-control in a professional work place can kill a career.


Quite often, when women I've worked with have had the tears, it's been about another female co-worker.

The thing is... the tears have come when they have been the ones in the wrong, and it's during a session of bashing the other person.

I'm afraid to say, that if they're choosing to cry about someone in front of colleagues instead of approaching the boss or their Union steward with their issues, then I offer sympathy and talk them through it, but it won't get me on their side, as intended.

I don't like this kind of manipulation. 

I interpret tears from a woman in dispute with someone as 'I have lost all credibility, so now it's time for Plan B.'

I find that they dry up pretty quick, and it's not accompanied by a look of grief, a screwed up face, like it would be with a man.

If a man cries, jesus, something really bad has happened, because basically he's having a breakdown.

So she's judged negatively - but I'm not thinking it's weakness. Just an attempt to get out of responsibility or get people on side. 

Is that a bit harsh?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sandfly, it's not harsh if that's your experience.

I've heard about women who manipulate with tears and workplaces where there is female drama and I am SO LUCKY that our workplace is NOTHING like that. 

9 years ago I was driven to tears by a male sales person who berated me over the telephone for about 10 minutes regarding his package of sample product arriving in poor condition. He said it looked like the UPS truck ran over it. (How about complain to UPS, not me?) But I shut up and did not argue and when we hung up I was holding it back and left to go to a remote room (bathroom was more obvious - would have had to passed several people while losing it) to compose myself.

Fortunately a female coworker was going into the storage room for something and saw me and asked what was wrong so I told her. She was so incensed at the way I was treated that she told my boss who called the sales person. That sales person and I never got along and had a chilly-polite relationship thereafter. He was let go last year.

So my experience has not been a negative one, but I realize my workplace is special - I hear so many stories I feel fortunate that I don't deal with that. I used to when I was in marketing at a bank - that job sucked.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And often women are judged negatively in the workplace for crying. It is perceived by male counterparts and managers to mean we are weak and emotional and not in control of ourselves/emotions and implies we are reactive vs. logical.


I tend to judge negatively any negative emotional outbursts that occur "in public" so to speak. There are some outbursts that hurt productivity in the workplace. I don't want to go to Sara with a critical problem if I know that it will make her cry. I'm likely to take the problem elsewhere, and that inhibits performance if Sara is really the best person to handle it.

Emotional outbursts are also an issue with men, but usually the "angry outburst". If a man can't keep a handle on his anger and frustration he also damages to the team - again, nobody wants to come to him with anything that might set him off.

While I have no issue with getting that emotional tension out, I do think it should be done privately as ScarletBegonias suggests, and holding it until its appropriate to let it out is respectable.

So I don't view the "running to the bathroom to cry it out" thing or whatever as a shameful thing. Instead I view it as having awareness that your emotional state has an impact on those around you, and stepping out so as not to disrupt others. A commendable thing. Self-control; not weakness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Emotional outbursts are also an issue with men, but usually the "angry outburst". If a man can't keep a handle on his anger and frustration he also damages to the team - again, nobody wants to come to him with anything that might set him off.


Dh is naturally calm and composed, and his even temper has won a lot of trust from his co-workers. It is nice to know you can go to your boss or your peer or your report and he will not react emotionally.


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## DianeJiltz (Jan 19, 2014)

I used to cry a lot back then.. hehe, depression.. 

After overcoming it, I felt indestructible, even until now.:smthumbup: 
It has been a while already since I last cried…
Don't know if I ever will, nah... hehe


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I cry whenever I need to. I think emotions are a gift. We can learn a lot from them, if we examine them, and don't fear them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

(((MJA)))


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

The last couple of days I've been dealing with an situation where my friend is in the hospital due to cancer....and she's getting worse.
Of course....big ol' strong me....is reduced being a sobbing sop.
Even through I tried hard to hide my emotions from my husband....it was hard...because my emotions would come in like waves. I would be find one minute....balling the next....and then I would be fine again.

Next morning...I told my husband that I'm abit emotional and don't mind me. He said "thanks for telling me....now I'll run or you can hide."

No wonder why....I barely have any emotional attachment to him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, silentghost. What a hard time for you. And I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your husband.

It is really nice of you to help your friend. My son has spent a lot of time in the hospital with cancer. It is a draining experience for everyone.


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## sadanddone (Jan 31, 2014)

Hardly ever. Sometimes I want to, but simply cannot.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

(((sadanddone)))


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

I hear you sadanddone .....I've been there too.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Omg I cry at anything! If I am happy, I cry. If I am sad, I cry. If I am pissed off, I cry. Watching movies, I cry. I am a big ol' SAP! It sucks to cry when you're angry, it makes me feel like I look weak when that happens.


Weak or manipulative! My mil manipulates with emotions, therefore early in our marriage I was always concerned dh would think I was trying to manipulate the situation. 

OP if your wife is crying hard over everything she needs help. A few years back I was just overly stressed for too long and my body showed the signs of it by crying hard at silly things or for no known reason. We worked on repairing my bodys stress response and I'm doing great now. I still cry, always will but not at all the same, now its just my "emotions leaking out" as my husband calls it.


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