# Ups and downs



## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

So here I was, thinking I was making progress in the healing/grieving/moving on process. 

The past couple of weeks were in the up and up, but then this past week I got an email from him. He had made it very clear how he wanted me out of his life, and that the best he could offer was to be friends when it was all over. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. He blocked me out. He's used every excuse in the book as to why he cannot communicate with me (I have a roommate, my internet is not working, my cell phone doesn't work).

Yet, this past week he sends me an email saying that he got promoted at work.

I would like to know what other people think of this behavior. He has a pattern of contradicting himself. I know how deceitful and manipulating he can be, but yet after more than a decade I just can't turn my feelings off for him. I do not understand myself either, because I still love someone that's disrespected me.

I guess I'm really venting more than anything? I should just move on, and maybe I shouldn't even give this any thought.

But, any of you out there with some words of wisdom, please take a stab at it. I'm seeking enlightenment.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

yellowsubmarine said:


> So here I was, thinking I was making progress in the healing/grieving/moving on process.
> 
> The past couple of weeks were in the up and up, but then this past week I got an email from him. He had made it very clear how he wanted me out of his life, and that the best he could offer was to be friends when it was all over. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. He blocked me out. He's used every excuse in the book as to why he cannot communicate with me (I have a roommate, my internet is not working, my cell phone doesn't work).
> 
> ...


It is highly likely that he has a personality disorder. The way to break the attachment is to identify it and then distance yourself.

Personality disorders - MayoClinic.com

See if you recognize him in the descriptions in the above link. 

There are strategies to breaking away from a person with a personality disorder. Since they are master manipulators, they use the kindness, compassion and loyalty of normal people to their ends. 

That is why they are so hard to ditch. But once you recognize how your goodness was used, it is a simple matter of confirming that you are normal and they should be pitied not loved. Walk away, don't look back and heal.

The way to handle your husband is to get the divorce rolling now. Don't wait for him because that gives him the upper hand. People with personality disorders hate not having the upper hand so he will likely have a fight on your hands.

If you don't get her head straight about what is going on with his sickness, you will be drawn into a fight on his level. Stay far away. Get out of the love fog, you are open to abuse. Go no contact with him. 

You now have the upper hand tell him no communication except through your lawyer. Treat him with indifference that will knock him back because he thinks that you will be perusing him. So stop and shack up his world view. 

Let the lawyers fight it out. Find out what your rights are and keep careful records of ho sales and emails. He got a promotion good for you more for you. Get all of your eggs in a row. He will contact you to be nasty and that is it. 

T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York

Tips for Leaving a High Conflict Partner | Psychology Today


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

interesting what he emailed you about - getting a promotion. Like he suddenly wants to be friends when he can email something positive about his life that is likely to release a wave of emotion in you

how you react depends on how you want this 'friendship' to be - my stbxh and I keep saying we'll still be friends but I'm not so sure about that, he is exactly the sort of person who would do the above and make sure he knew just how well he was getting on without me

I'm not sure I want to play those mind games!


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

WOW! That pretty much nails how I feel. Thank you for the input. Will be researching all this stuff and try to protect myself as much as I can.

This is why it helps to talk/write to others... some can see thru things so clearly, yet others are lost like me.

Thank you!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep posting for feedback and support. This will not be easy so you will need support to get though. There are many service people on the forum and they can tell you what the rules are for separation and divorce in the service. 

How to go about getting info, when yoiu can start the process. I don't think you can while he is deployed but you will need to get things in place for legal protection. 

He got a promotion good. Nice of him to share. Does that mean higher pay and retirement benefits that you are entitled to share?

Find out. When you are safely out of his clutches, send him a congratulatory card and thank him for insuring a prosperous retirement for you. Show him that he eeffed with the wrong woman this time.


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