# Sad and confused about the state of my marriage/family



## SNC (Jul 11, 2012)

So, I can't believe I'm using this forum to talk about my personal issues but I'm stressing out and need advise/support.

I've been married for almost 3 years, together with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 beautiful children and live a modest but comfortable life. We met when I was 20 and have had to endure some painful things in our relationship. Firstly, the admission that he had cheated on me several times, which after a brief separation and counselling we reconcilled and got back together, got married a year later and started our family. I've been dissapointed again by him lying to me, albeit a minor lie, I feel completely disrespected and unsure of what the future holds. 

My husband and I are in counselling again to work through my frustrations about being lied to and trying to make a change in our relationship where it comes to honestly and open communication. He has made great progress but I've lost my trust in him again and can't find a way out! I think about divorce and separation all the time! And everytime I do I am so deeply saddened for our children and him. I know he loves me with all of his heart, and I will honestly love him forever too, but I honestly feel like this pattern of deceipt and lies will be a factor in our eventual divorce. Is it worth trying over and over again to save a marriage that is at best a relationship between 2 friends only? We are not equal partners in the marriage, we are really barely compatable... I'm freaking out!

So do I call it quits right now in anticipation of being disappointed yet again in the future? Or do I grin and bare it, hoping that things will change? Is it easier to separate when your kids are young? How the hell can I decide to break everyone's heart and go my own 'selfish' way?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

SNC,

As i read your post I thought it was about lying but near the end I see it seems more to be about compatibility and issues along those lines.

If I had to guess, I'd say that you don't feel any passion for this man and haven't in a while and something has changed and you now realize what's truly lacking in your marriage.


Am I at least a little warm?


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## SNC (Jul 11, 2012)

I think it was about lying, at first, and trust issues, but it may be that we just aren't compatable anymore. I honestly don't know... I am giving it my best shot to salvage what we once must have had, but on the other hand I am seriously doubting that we have enough between us to stay happy, forever?

Can I really break up a marriage, with children because he is perhaps not _everthing_ I want/need in a husband? He treats me like gold, takes care of our home, our kids... But as individuals we might be too different to move forward. 

Does that make sense? I have found myself lately dreaming and fantasizing about another man, whom I barely know. not so much about him being the person I want but more so of what might be out there that would make me feel alive again. Someone who I can fully be myself around...

I'm so sad


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

SNC,

I was actually going to ask if there was a 3rd party involved abd I was actually trying to get that across when I guessed "something has changed and you now realize what's truly lacking in your marriage"

I truly think that your stuck in a rut and that you and your husband are a bit guilty of not taking care of your marriage. It happens to many of us and it is often easy to fantasize about someone different and the rush of a new love or infatuation, especially when you don't have to think about bills, kids, insurance payments, dinners, food shopping etc. 

True love is not what happens during those hot whirlwind days of courtship. True love is staying the course with a spouse who "treats me like gold, takes care of our home, our kids"

There had to be something that attracted you to your husband 12 years ago. The two of you need to try and re-discover that before you make a terrible mistake of either stepping out of your marriage or ending it so you can.

You should tell your husband how you feel disconnected from him and why. It seems that you have never gotten over his previous betrayals and I can't really say I blame you for that but other than a little recent lie, has he really done anything else to make you doubt his sincerity? What was this "little lie"?


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## SNC (Jul 11, 2012)

I don't doubt his sincerity at all. And he is trying so hard not to be the negative stick in the mud I've accused him of being. But I don't know if I love him anymore... I want to say that I know you can't be all romantic and lovey dovey forever, but when the sparks fade can they be re-ignited? I don't even think I had 'major' sparks for him in the first place. I've always loved him but what if I need more?

I am such a selfish B! This sucks so bad. I force myself to be intimate with him, I struggle to talk about things (I am highly educated as compared to my husband), I am super positive and outgoing, where he is pretty negative and introverted. 

How hard are you supposed to work in a marriage to love each other? 

His lie was a secret weekend with his brother and best friend. No reason to lie to me... I wouldn't have stopped it... but he is intimated by me and afraid to talk to me. What kind of marriage is that? In counselling he knows that I'm on the fence about our marriage, and he has said that he'd do anything to fix things. How do I start to explain how to fix things, when I'm just not feeling it?

Darn it!


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