# MLC (Midlife Crisis)...my wife is in the wind...



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Having read several posts, threads, articles etc. the past few months and finding out and realizing my wife of 9 years is experiencing an MLC, I thought I would share the following info in case it helps anyone else.

*% of Population that experiences it*: 15%

*Age Ranges:* Women - 35-50, Men - 40-60 (but can happen earlier or later in some cases)

*Duration:* Women - 2-3yrs, Men - 2-10yrs (early stage ie. the worst part - 6 weeks-2yrs with some cases being forever yikes)

*Triggers:* Most common for women = health issue (my wife developed Fybromialgia in the last 2 years and had a near death event 8 weeks ago)....for men = major life event (big goal missed or reached, death of a parent, unemployment)

*Symptoms:* the lists I've found typically show the same top 7-10 but there are some lists that go as long as 40-50, the more of them the spouse exhibits the more likely they may be experiencing one.
- sudden change in interest in spouse, children, family, marriage
- depression, anxiety, manic - almost overnight and intermittent 
- increased spending
- changes in libido overnight - more or less
- interest in younger opposite sex (interesting but even women going through this will like younger men or women in many cases)
- sudden changes in appearance - hair color, piercings, tattoos, weight loss or gain, clothing etc.
- Sudden 'falling out of love' with current spouse - typically they will also list all that is wrong with you
- Infidelity - they will feel justified in it and blame you for it
- No longer responsible - stop cleaning, paying bills etc.
- Adolescent behavior - huge sense of entitlement....

....the lists go on and on, on one they listed a sudden interest to learn a musical instrument (read this list two days after my wife told me she wanted to learn how to play the fiddle, sheesh)....

*Treatment: * Time and therapy and in some cases medication for things like depression etc - therapy is the best option for them if they will go because you will have zero impact on them with anything you say (another symptom, during one of these they see you as a big part if not all of the problem)

*What you can do?* Nothing really. Ready the list options of spouses supporting those going through MLCs it reads like the 180 list. Sadly, because you are now seen as part of the problem you can't help them with logic. Your best options - go 180, but be there when they ask you to be there, listen but don't judge and that's it. For you personally you should definitely decide which behaviors you will or will not wait out and how long you will stand by their side since some of these cases can be really long. I can handle all of it but infidelity which will be a deal breaker. But can probably only last out 6-12 months if I am honest with myself so we will see.

If you are in IC you can present what you are seeing with your spouse and they can best guess at this for you, my wife has all but two of the top 10 and about another 10 of the subordinate symptoms plus had 3 big triggers two of which happened within 72hrs of each other, both my counselor and I are firmly convinced...yesterday she changed her hair color for the 2nd time in 60 days to pink and blue.....it's spooky to watch because it's like having a teenager at home when 90 days ago I had a loving wife with a bright future....

Good luck to all of you that run into this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many people won't allow the use of MLC as an excuse, but I firmly believe in it as a driver in change in people. 

Have you shared your learnings with your wife?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

turnera said:


> Many people won't allow the use of MLC as an excuse, but I firmly believe in it as a driver in change in people.
> 
> Have you shared your learnings with your wife?


I shared them with her about three weeks ago when my IC and I came to the conclusion it applied but have never brought it up again. Sadly, people in an MLC take offense to it due to the stigmas around it - bald fat guy buys red corvette and runs away with 19 yr old secretary kind of thing. Honestly I was in this camp until I saw the rapid succession of changes in my wife that were otherwise unexplainable. 

She hits so many of the major and minor symptoms it's almost ridiculous. What others have to understand however is that it is no more an excuse for bad behavior that say an addiction or other issue but if you have any intent of saving the marriage it could help you determine how patient you might be willing to be etc. 

As I stated, infidelity is still a deal breaker for me and a prolonged time without any progress would be as well, but dyeing her hair pink is minor in the grand scheme of things.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I believe MLC's are very real and can even be a positive thing in peoples lives leading them to constructive change. BUT, there are far more cases of destructive behavior and negative changes with far reaching impact.

My Ex seemed to have all of the symptoms. He vehemently denied it, and blame shifted in my direction. I was a buzz kill trying to keep him from having a great life. How dare I question him on suddenly wanting to sky dive, train for a triathlon, start snow boarding basically all at once. His behavior was jarring, he started acting like a rebellious teenager. He was always very calm and driven and the person you would never suspect he would have a mid life meltdown. And turns out as much as he denied it, he was in an affair with a 29 year old employee of his. She was, wait for it...a triathlete, snow boarder, and sky diver! It had been going on for a few months before I figured it out. He would not have ever told me had I not caught him. He would have continued to put me through hell thinking I was going insane. Oh and as soon as they broke it off he stopped with the frantic activity (idiot). I should have encouraged him to continue sky diving as he had amazing life insurance (I kid).

You can't do anything about this like you said. How long it will last and what they will be like after their MLC changes is really anyones guess. It is best not to put your life on hold to find out. You need to look out for yourself because they aren't thinking about you at all.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I think I had what some would describe as a mid-life crisis which led me to decide to divorce my ex-husband.

However, for me, it was a positive event. It led me to re-evaluate my life and my priorities. It was really simply an acknowledgement that I was passing into a new life stage and didn't want to do that with my ex.

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a major review of your life and where its going and deciding to change direction, if necessary. Life is short...you should sit back and seriously examine where you are and where you're going periodically.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, I am in my mid-twenties and my gf in her upper twenties. If she dyed her hair pink, I would seriously think about dumping her. It would be very odd seeing that in a middle-aged female.

Anyways, in the mean time, keep working on you so if the times come when you are ready, the transition would be easier. Keep detaching though, and I suspect that you are. From when you started here, there is less of a drive or need to work things out, and those feelings will persist and get stronger over time.

Protect your finance as well and get your ducks in a row for when the time comes.

Have fun to help with the transition.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

All good feedback. For sure I am focusing on me and my little girl at this point and financially I have taken control of everything- it's a perk of her going through an MLC because she doesn't want the responsibility. 

I have read how they can be a good thing and in some cases can understand not wanting to move forward with someone into the next phase. However, by definition that seems counter to 'for better or worse', where is the dig deep, work through it and make it happen attitude. Of course it takes two, not all will join in. 

The thing of it is, her MLC has been good for me, woke me up to how much I have been letting pass me by, the stark difference is I don't feel the need to abandon my spouse, career, mortgage or dye my hair pink to do it lol.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My wife worries constantly that I'm going to have a mid life crisis.

I told her I have it penciled in for about five years out when the kids are older. I plan on the full meal deal - hot babe in a leather miniskirt that I ravage constantly, bad-ass motorbike, more tattoos, and a take no prisoners attitude.

I just promise to give her first right of refusal to be the babe in the miniskirt that I ravage constantly.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I am force placing my own MLC on myself Marduk - as long as it doesn't hurt my career or my daughter, it's not like I have anything to lose at this point right!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Wow, I am in my mid-twenties and my gf in her upper twenties. If she dyed her hair pink, I would seriously think about dumping her. It would be very odd seeing that in a middle-aged female.
> 
> Anyways, in the mean time, keep working on you so if the times come when you are ready, the transition would be easier. Keep detaching though, and I suspect that you are. From when you started here, there is less of a drive or need to work things out, and those feelings will persist and get stronger over time.
> 
> ...


Upper 20's is NOT middle aged! Kids......


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're going through this McDean but maybe you'll help others with this thread. Especially as time passes and your story unfolds. There are certainly triggers but I don't think MLC just pops up out of the blue. Usually it's someone who's been counting down the years until X happens with X being something like the kids be grown. I'll admit that's conjecture on my part since my wife and I didn't go through it though. I'm sure there are cases where people come to a realization that they aren't happy, or want different things, or have grown apart, and it gets labelled as MLC when it's not at all. There are also cases (usually with men) where we get more attention from young women after we're forty than when we were young. Some guys don't handle it very well.

For the person married to someone pulling away though its still the same rules. We keep those boundaries important to us close and if someone can't be the person we need or if they want to run away then we let them go and hope they find happiness. Maybe that means letting them go knowing they are self sabotaging themselves. We can only control ourselves after all.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...yet-another-reason-the-midlife-crisis-is-myth

I disagree with this article based on my life and reading here of course, but food for thought nonetheless.

Cheers,
V(13)




McDean said:


> Having read several posts, threads, articles etc. the past few months and finding out and realizing my wife of 9 years is experiencing an MLC, I thought I would share the following info in case it helps anyone else.
> 
> *% of Population that experiences it*: 15%
> 
> ...


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

How is it possible it only effects 15% of people? Is everyone just numb to self-reflection?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> How is it possible it only effects 15% of people? Is everyone just numb to self-reflection?


I wondered the same thing, but my IC said it most likely one of those scenarios where it goes undiagnosed a lot because people don't seek help. Given the people in one often think their behavior is completely justified why would they look for help from a professional? From some of the people I've talked to, it seems like 50% might be a better number with 15% being the likely percentage of people whose cases are 'severe'.....for those of you reading my story my wife's hair is not purple with a light green stripe in it now....actually doesn't look half bad but hard to get a job with of course...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

imperfectworld said:


> How is it possible it only effects 15% of people? Is everyone just numb to self-reflection?


There's a big difference between reflection and crisis. Most people probably have mid life reflection episodes where we re-evaluate where we've been and where we're going. If someone really hates the answers to those questions then look out.


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

My wife has been in one for 2+ years and there is no sign of change. Divorce is imminent. See the link below. It is a .pdf that will help you understand what she is going through. It could have been written about my wife. It is very good.

http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_143878231607110&key=0072d8f915851ac8e4345230601e0061&libId=icytstpt0100if3d000DA9swot11z&loc=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fladies-lounge%2F283010-mid-life-crisis-women.html%23post13297010&v=1&out=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D7%26cad%3Drja%26uact%3D8%26ved%3D0CEsQFjAGahUKEwiip8-GmJDHAhWBsoAKHVbABxE%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fforum.makingherhappy.com%252Fattachment.php%253Fattachmentid%253D56%2526d%253D1276041464%26ei%3D7RXBVeL8EIHlggTWgJ-IAQ%26usg%3DAFQjCNEqHlO2ssXJzrn09vjdqyWEn9HLsg&ref=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fmembers%2Frgol.html&title=Mid%20Life%20Crisis%20in%20Women%20-%20Talk%20About%20Marriage&txt=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26amp%3Brct%3D...9vjdqyWEn9HLsg


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rgol said:


> My wife has been in one for 2+ years and there is no sign of change. Divorce is imminent. See the link below. It is a .pdf that will help you understand what she is going through. It could have been written about my wife. It is very good.
> 
> http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_143878231607110&key=0072d8f915851ac8e4345230601e0061&libId=icytstpt0100if3d000DA9swot11z&loc=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fladies-lounge%2F283010-mid-life-crisis-women.html%23post13297010&v=1&out=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D7%26cad%3Drja%26uact%3D8%26ved%3D0CEsQFjAGahUKEwiip8-GmJDHAhWBsoAKHVbABxE%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fforum.makingherhappy.com%252Fattachment.php%253Fattachmentid%253D56%2526d%253D1276041464%26ei%3D7RXBVeL8EIHlggTWgJ-IAQ%26usg%3DAFQjCNEqHlO2ssXJzrn09vjdqyWEn9HLsg&ref=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fmembers%2Frgol.html&title=Mid%20Life%20Crisis%20in%20Women%20-%20Talk%20About%20Marriage&txt=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26amp%3Brct%3D...9vjdqyWEn9HLsg


Excellent link rgol. Thanks for sharing it. It's good proactive reading material as well because it points out warning signs and explains the thought process going on beforehand.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

rgol said:


> My wife has been in one for 2+ years and there is no sign of change. Divorce is imminent. See the link below. It is a .pdf that will help you understand what she is going through. It could have been written about my wife. It is very good.
> 
> http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_143878231607110&key=0072d8f915851ac8e4345230601e0061&libId=icytstpt0100if3d000DA9swot11z&loc=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fladies-lounge%2F283010-mid-life-crisis-women.html%23post13297010&v=1&out=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D7%26cad%3Drja%26uact%3D8%26ved%3D0CEsQFjAGahUKEwiip8-GmJDHAhWBsoAKHVbABxE%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fforum.makingherhappy.com%252Fattachment.php%253Fattachmentid%253D56%2526d%253D1276041464%26ei%3D7RXBVeL8EIHlggTWgJ-IAQ%26usg%3DAFQjCNEqHlO2ssXJzrn09vjdqyWEn9HLsg&ref=http%3A%2F%2Ftalkaboutmarriage.com%2Fmembers%2Frgol.html&title=Mid%20Life%20Crisis%20in%20Women%20-%20Talk%20About%20Marriage&txt=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26amp%3Brct%3D...9vjdqyWEn9HLsg


Thanks you for sharing, describes my wife to the letter. A little shocked your's has been in MLC for 2.5yrs? While I know they can last that long and longer, how have you stuck by her that long? I'm going on 90 days and already starting to wonder if I can make it to X-mas....


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hey buddy, if you cannot last till X-mas, you simply cannot. Whatever your line is, it is not set in stone.

Her actions will impact the love you have for her. Love is an ever fluctuating thing. It never remains constant. Her actions has created mostly this rift you feel. Her actions does not allow you to remain in love, and you rather protect yourself.

You cannot choose to love her as a partner would. She is now incompatible with you and that incompatibility is making it hard to stay bonded.

If you want to stay until X-mas, then alter the interaction you have with her currently. The less you experience her, the better you can handle the situation. Take the kids out more, be with friends and family. Go on a mini vacation of your own. Work out and get ready for the dating scene again. You can start the healing process now while waiting. If she does not come around before you are done detaching, then leaving her would be easier.


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

McDean said:


> Thanks you for sharing, describes my wife to the letter. A little shocked your's has been in MLC for 2.5yrs? While I know they can last that long and longer, how have you stuck by her that long? I'm going on 90 days and already starting to wonder if I can make it to X-mas....


My story is a little complex...

Started slow detachment in Summer 2013 and peaked in April 2014 when I found out about an EA and she told me that she was 90% sure she wanted a divorce. In May 2014, she was diagnosed with cancer. She did a 180 and could not need me enough. We have been married 20 years and I loved her (still do). So, I took care of her - and everything else including our teenager - through April this year when she finally healed and was declared cancer-free. I could have bailed, but I am not wired that way and what kind of message would that have sent to my daughter? I did not think it would save my marriage, but I hoped she would figure out what was truly important.

Well, she went right back into MLC. The cancer was a sidebar and has fueled her self-absorption. So, we agreed to a trial separation in May and she moved out the first week in June. She had never lived on her own and felt that her growth as an adult was stunted; she was too dependent on me and was resentful. Unfortunately, all the goodwill about 'standing on her own', getting space and figuring out things was killed in week 2 when she went to see her EA.

So, I did a 180 and started focusing on myself. She is still in a 'I do not know what I want' kind of state and my patience is done. There is no guarantee she will figure things out soon and if she does, who knows if I am part of the plan. Can't wait around any longer.

Everyone's timeline is their own to figure out. There is no judgement. I love my wife and I want to make sure that I have done everything I can to save my marriage before 'pulling the plug'. I recommend you find how long you are willing to wait as well as push to go to therapy and give her her space. Work on yourself and allow her the opportunity to figure things out so you will have sound peace of mind that if you end things, you will have no regret that you tried. Just my $.02.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Holy CRAP am I glad I stumbled across this. The first post and the PDF describes what happened to my wife to THE LETTER.

- Came out of a major, long-term illness
- 40's
- SAHM
- Self-esteem issues from childhood

Pretty much right after she recovered from serious surgery:

- Started working out (never did before)
- Hung out with single/divorced friends much more often
- Had depression episodes, went into counselling, tried various medications
- Started blaming me for every little thing
- Started long-term, serial cheating and lying

Having a common name for exactly what happened is helpful, even though we're divorcing anyway due to her behavior. It's just unfortunate that the literature seems to state that you can't confront or help it along in any way.. I'd like for her to come to her senses for the young child's sake, at least.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hey buddy, if you cannot last till X-mas, you simply cannot. Whatever your line is, it is not set in stone.
> 
> If you want to stay until X-mas, then alter the interaction you have with her currently. The less you experience her, the better you can handle the situation. Take the kids out more, be with friends and family. Go on a mini vacation of your own. Work out and get ready for the dating scene again. You can start the healing process now while waiting. If she does not come around before you are done detaching, then leaving her would be easier.


Funny, I just booked a trip to Vegas (have been going there and playing poker for 20 years) to get away and clear my head some.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Since it's in different forums with (presumably) somewhat different audiences, I'll fish here too.. has anyone been successful with waking up/being woken up from a MLC? So far the literature is not inspiring on that matter, and I worry my STBXW's continued selfishness might impact the kid.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Mr. Fisty - so similar our backgrounds, my wife has Fibromyalgia which has gotten progressively worse over the past few years, I too struggle to think about walking away from someone I loved so much in their time of need. Yet, she had an emotional affair with someone and now is wishy washy about everything. The MLC is full blown in that she has blamed me for everything and one minute I am who she wants and the next she has no attraction for me....

Truster - believe me when I tell you, figuring out that everything that happened to her through her into an MLC, being able to read about it and knowing it fit, talking with my counselor and getting his insight that it fits, and then reading about how to handle it have been a truly eye opening experience. While there is very little we can do to help them, given we are the target of their angst, we at least now know what it is and how to take care of ourselves in the meantime. 

Overall I would love for this to turn around and am probably still in a phase of wishy washy myself, but I also know that some of the meds my wife takes for her Fibro are mind-altering and long-term character altering. Mirapex is one of her meds and I have read a ton of literature how in some people it diminishes their 'executive functions'...basically it makes her an adolescent in how she approaches issues...the damage can be permanent in some cases....


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I was in a relationship that imploded almost 11 years in due to my then-partner's MLC. 

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am married now to someone way better than her! 

My ex went through pretty much all of the signposts you mentioned. Her major trigger was turning 40. There was a lot more than just that, though. You can read through my previous posts if you have any interest in learning from my story.

I played along with her whims hoping it would save the relationship - in the end she left. We are not in contact now but through social media, etc I have information suggesting that her life went downhill in a big way after we split.

I wish her the best, as I said earlier, my life is now 1000% better than it was with her.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Found this article just now which is another that I went down the checklist, saying 'yep, yep, yep, yep'. Unfortunately, it also seems to suggest that there's no way to drop the scales from the eyes of the person. Sometimes the limits of the human mind are so depressing.

Is a midlife crisis destroying your marriage? - Good Psychology. Net*Ilze Neethling


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

truster said:


> Found this article just now which is another that I went down the checklist, saying 'yep, yep, yep, yep'. Unfortunately, it also seems to suggest that there's no way to drop the scales from the eyes of the person. Sometimes the limits of the human mind are so depressing.
> 
> Is a midlife crisis destroying your marriage? - Good Psychology. Net*Ilze Neethling


They sure can be, and as I am sure you are struggling with, watching a person you loved and cared for basically change overnight is shocking to say the least.

The articles point to a build up period that pre-dates the actual blow up into an MLC - almost in every case the signs are hidden from both the non-MLC spouse and the MLC spouse so prevention is near impossible as well.

In the end I am working on my '180 skills' so that I can protect myself and our daughter....I still hold out hope for a turn around but odds are against it...


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Cre8ify said:


> No affairs here truster, but I am waking up. I am around four years into my MLC and I can see it for what it is. What was raw and painful and all around me years ago has smoothed over and I can tell I am on my way back. The insomnia is gone, my kids find me less moody, and although I have become more philosophical about life, also less serious. My wife has had to accept it and ride it out as we both read fairly early that they can take 5 to 10 years in some cases.
> 
> My trigger was turning 50, having my wife threaten divorce, and exploding financial success that I had been chasing for a long time in my business. I thought "where is the self love in accepting this" now that my business was no longer struggling and self esteem was no longer in the gutter. This is not a time for codependency as I was doing everything possible to be self sufficient and she had to accept that or have a fight.


Curious to know, how/why she hung around for 4yrs??? At some point she must have wondered if it would ever end, because in some cases from what I have read they never do. The fact that you didn't cheat probably helped but 4yrs in a kids life can have a lot of impact....

My wife is better but not normal and has 'rebellious moments' which are often targeted at me....but for now I am standing by her, but doubt very much I could pull this off for 4 years....


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