# Am i paranoid



## Biddyb0p420 (Dec 15, 2013)

Ok so long story short, my SO had a female friend that he had a crush on and would talk to all the time... 

Over the course of our relationship/marriage i will admit that curiosity got the best of me and i have snooped through his phone...I KNOW its wrong But lets face it.. when that slamming pain in your gut tells you something, you go with it. Now what seemed as harmless conversation about tv shows, guy drama (on her end) it seemed pretty innocent.. Until around the time i started seeing my SO... Saying things like shes pretty, basically anything to boost her ego... Then came that smack in the mouth comment (from his end) ...he said and i quote "If it wasnt for you i wouldnt be able to have feelings for her, youve shown me that there is hope" ............... SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

So now adding insult to injury about him complimenting her in ways no man should compliment ANY woman while being in a relationship.. Now i learned that SO only has feelings for me because another woman opened his eyes?? Talk about a slap in the mouth! OUCH* Also through out massive texts between them both she was asking him for relationship advice and tells him how she feels down on herself a lot and has bad luck with men... He reassures her that she is BEAUTIFUL and AWESOME and that she needs a HARRY in her life.. (Harry is not my husbands name just changed it for the post). And shes all like awww heehee... Now lets be realistic here im faaaar from a prude, I understand men will be men.. men WILL find women attractive blah blah... What hurts is that he didnt keep his little crush in his mind.. and saying things outloud DIRECTLY to the woman hes crushing on makes it seem like hes trying to accomplish something..(or am i paranoid?) 



My anger is more towards him... but also to her.. i cannot wrap my head around a woman who would accept such compliments from a man who is engaged and having a baby... 

when i found all of this i brought it to his attention he said he meant nothing by it and that its just friends being friends ...and i said well now id appreciate you telling her you guys cant be friends because that type of talk from both of you is not something i was going to accept ... we wound up arguing because he said no and then said *i shouldve been with her instead of you* ......... he immediately apologized and said he just said it to shut me up... ***********Another stabbing my pain to my gut*** he said he would stop talking to her and that she text him here and there and he wouldnt respond to it... 



Now this I just found out about a week ago but happned a little over a month ago my husband is the type of person who wont tell me things unless i ask him about it:

Recently he made an IG account and she found him and started follwing him. he blocked her and said Listen i cant be friends with you my wife thinks i have feelings for you ..and its hurting us... she replied with *i think shes overreacting* ... thats all he remembers from the conversation because he deleted those specific texts from his phone and i saw it on the bill ... a total of 26 messages ...15 of them being from her and thats all he remembers?*******YEA OKKKKK**** So i said did you explain why I dont want you guys to be friends? Did you tell her oh hey maybe my wife isnt overreacting because i said things to you i shouldnt have... or in the middle of an argument i said i shouldve been with you instead of my wife??? He basically made me look like i was the crazy wife because he couldnt own up to being the bad guy!!! so i said listen text her clear it up because i refuse to look like a villan at your expense... HE REFUSED and has BEEN REFUSINGand said that i shouldnt care about what she thinks because i dont think much of her myself. 

Ladies Am i crazy?! Its no doubt that i dont like this woman and i never met her before... But why should i have to look bad... This man has never outright said I'm sorry youre right.. Im going to fix it... Even if he doesn't text her and correct it... Why not apologize??


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

1. You are not crazy.

2. I'm sorry you're having a baby with this guy, and I hope you will NOT marry him, because sadly, he's in love with her. 

3. His missing apology AND his behavior continues to protect her (and his right to stay connected with her) at your expense.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> 1. You are not crazy.
> 
> 2. I'm sorry you're having a baby with this guy, and I hope you will NOT marry him, because sadly, he's in love with her.
> 
> 3. His missing apology AND his behavior continues to protect her (and his right to stay connected with her) at your expense.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Do not marry this man.


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## Biddyb0p420 (Dec 15, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> 1. You are not crazy.
> 
> 2. I'm sorry you're having a baby with this guy, and I hope you will NOT marry him, because sadly, he's in love with her.
> 
> 3. His missing apology AND his behavior continues to protect her (and his right to stay connected with her) at your expense.


Already married.... This has happened a WHILE AGO...but just came to the surface within the past 2 weeks... i even went as far as reviewing the cellphone bill for the past 4 months... I know the ties are severed ... but i just dont understand why blame me ... ? why make me look like a jealous psycho? have you no respect for me as your wife or as a human being? you claim youre a man ...just own up to it.. at this point he couldve told her it was my fault.. i dont care.. However he had the option to not lie about it and say hey listen my wife isnt over reacting things ive said to you i shouldnt of said being i was where i was in my life.. like is that hard to do?? it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and this whole situation makes me feel like i changed the way i look at him ... I want to move past it..i want to put it behind me... But its just an issue that was never resolved because he has to much pride to say *im sorry** ... all i get him to say is *i know where youre coming from* :scratchhead:


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Just to clarify, did you just find out about this within the last 2 weeks? And you didn't know about it as it was going on? And how do you know for sure that there's no contact now?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I kinda think it doesn't matter at this point. 

It's his ego. A guy thing, doesn't want to say he said inappropriate things that hurt his wife. And if it's really over and they aren't communicating, then I don't think he should go back and "clear it up". 

Like when we tell our kids "If you don't want to drink or do drugs or do something that is not good for you.... go ahead and blame it on us parents. We don't care if your friends like us." 

Why care what she thinks of you. Let HER go. Your problem is still with him. HE is the one who was inappropriate.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

First off, I am a man. You are not crazy. What is most sad is, that I get the feeling he sincerely believes he is doing nothing wrong. Whether or not there are any feelings there misses the point. The entire situation is completely inappropriate. The friendship is no longer appropriate. How would he feel if the tables were turned? Two people should never do anything they don't want their significant other to do.

He needs to get with the program.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Instead of pouring his emotional energies into an inappropriate friendship (basically cheating on you), he needs to pour all of his emotional energies into you, starting a spark that turns into a roaring, out of control flame, creating the deepest emotional connection (and wildest sex life either of you could imagine) either of you thought possible. His actions are preventing happiness for the both of you. And because he has never experienced such bliss, he doesn't even know he is missing it or how he is screwing it up.

He needs to be put in his place, and he had better love it.


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## Biddyb0p420 (Dec 15, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Just to clarify, did you just find out about this within the last 2 weeks? And you didn't know about it as it was going on? And how do you know for sure that there's no contact now?


Ok what i found out 2 weeks ago was that he *allegedly* cut off communication with her about a month and a half prior... 

The conversations between them i found maybe a few months ago so this is like an argument that never ends it just simmers down and comes back up... the whole reason for adding all that was to just give some background. at that time i had asked him to cut off ties because apparently he cant make it through a simple conversation without complimenting her or something to that affect... He said he wasnt going to tell her that they had to end their friendship but rather ignore her (which is why this was NEVER a closed and shut case.. he believes things go away on their own) 

Im not 100% if the communication is open all i have is his word and the phone bill ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ooohh... I didn't realize you are already married. That changes things a little bit, since you can't exactly just be unmarried... 

What he is doing is called gaslighting or "blame the victim." It's a common self-preservation tactic. In my opinion, it's important to NOT let yourself get swayed by it. Posting here is one way to get good feedback and objective opinions so that this unhealthy tactic doesn't harm your self-esteem. 

His "ignoring" it is just a third way of protecting his access to her. By refusing to say, "I don't want to continue this friendship" to her, he can blame you for being the obstacle when he decides to reconnect with her. Worse, you only have his phone bill to verify what he's saying, and there are dozens of ways they could be carrying on this inappropriate relationship: Facebook, in person, using a burner phone, and a gajillion other social media sites. 

What I'll say next is what I would do, and why, but it may not be the choice another person would make.... 

Because that friendship poses a serious threat to my marriage, AND because my husband wasn't being as committed and loyal as a husband should be, I would take the reins and basically force the issue in a way that it wouldn't happen again. I'd inform him that I did not trust him, and would be looking for signs of the friendship continuing. I'd explain that I would absolutely not tolerate him putting ANY relationship ahead of our own, and expect 100% transparency. I would insist on him making a choice to call her and end it as HIS choice, immediately and in front of me and without blaming me, or to go to a hotel and start making his other living arrangements. 

Then, I would install a keystroke logger on computers, sync his phone daily while he's sleeping, and put a voice activated recorder in his car. If he is genuinely committed to the relationship, there will be nothing for me to find and I'd get over it and be able to cut back on checking up after some time had passed and I started feeling safe again. (But I'd need to be prepared for other disappointments, like if he told his best friend that I was being a ***** after we argued. Can't take that to him because that's not what the VAR is for.) If I did find other contacts or other "friendships," I'd be planning my exit strategy.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Biddy you need to find out for sure if he's not communicating with her. I vote that he's still in contact. He's not showing any remorse, doesn't seem to care that you're hurt or feels he's done nothing wrong. He's only annoyed that it bothers you. So he tells you he's done with her, but maybe gets a burner phone.

There's a guy who posts regularly here called "weightlifter." He's the resident expert in voice activated recorders and can guide you properly. When you gather information, you have to do it QUIETLY.  What your husband has done is taken this underground. But he only thinks you check phone bills. You need to check more. Do the VAR.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Another poster put me onto this thread. 

If you want to know the truth... Has he cut it off or gone underground... Im one of the more infamous ones here. Think of me as one of the higher level intelligence officers here. 24 cheating wives and 1 cheating husband... lets just say I had more than a little bit of why they were caught.

Have I seen worse? Yep. Have I seen less turn out to be way the heck more. Yep

Below is my standard instructions. Invert the sexes as I deal mostly with betrayed husbands. The below is step by step play by play. Hopefully a few of my previous charges or witnesses to the events will pipe in and vouch. It is the collective wisdom of not just me but dozens of people over the past year.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, that's thorough! Very nice post, WL. I completely agree on not educating the "enemy" about HOW you're getting information. I think this is a MAJOR (and common) mistake.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The biggest error is an early confront with half azzed info and suspicions. Ive written ?6? confronts. Only one did not work.

A confront i wrote that worked for a dude went something like this:

BH "Wife do you love me? Love us? Love our life together?
WW "Yes why"
BH "Why are you fvcking Eric Exboyfriend?"
WW [playing poker face] "What makes you say that?"
BH pushes forward divorce papers with a picture of Eric Exboyfriend paperclipped to the corner. This is followed by a picture of the car they were trysting in in the back parking lot they were doing it in.
WW lost it and confessed. Last I heard she confessed everything, surrendering completely including phone, emails, computer... Oddly it possibly changed his mind, he was, last I heard and this was a while ago considering pulling the divorce petition which he had already slow-boated.

This guy had like a total of 2 posts and asked for my help. I helped him thru. he was so dead set on divorcing her until the confront. I find the most R possibilities from a BH perspective when the wayward wife willingly puts her marital head on the chopping block, surrendering completely. She may find that that headsmans axe never falls and often if it does, there was no way it would not have. IE the best way if caught is to surrender and not lie. Some men simply can never get over it and will always divorce. For that woman the result is divorce but it is the same as if she tried lying her way out of it anyway.

The point is you confront with evidence that if they deny it they are denying white is light and black is dark. Half confronts lead to cheaters being more careful.


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## eyjdkdyqing (Dec 27, 2013)

Ok so long story short,


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Biddyb0p420 said:


> Ok so long story short, my SO had a female friend that he had a crush on and would talk to all the time...
> 
> Over the course of our relationship/marriage i will admit that curiosity got the best of me and i have snooped through his phone...I KNOW its wrong But lets face it.. when that slamming pain in your gut tells you something, you go with it. Now what seemed as harmless conversation about tv shows, guy drama (on her end) it seemed pretty innocent.. Until around the time i started seeing my SO... Saying things like shes pretty, basically anything to boost her ego... Then came that smack in the mouth comment (from his end) ...he said and i quote "If it wasnt for you i wouldnt be able to have feelings for her, youve shown me that there is hope" ............... SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
> 
> ...


In a healthy relationship one would never even have to ask the question about being paranoid. When it comes to holding up his part of a shared, mutually exclusive, long term relationship where there is trust and the atmosphere is one where a feeling of security prevails, it's just a fail on his part. 

Sorry you've had to spend your time and energies this way...the next question to ask yourself is one along the lines of "if I have to be "controlling" and act like a "shepherd dog" in order to try to create the kind of relationship I want and deserve and should be able to expect from the commitment we made, together...is it even worth it and will I get what it is that I'm trying to create? Or will it be something else because I have to "force" him into it?"


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