# my wife cheated... now what?



## notme81

Let me first start out by apologizing for the length of this message and if it is incoherent. I haven't eaten in 36 hours and haven't slept in 26. I'm sure I'm not the first newcomer to say that.

My wife and I are in our mid 30's and I just found out that she's been having an emotional affair for about a year and a half and a sexual affair for about 7-8 months. We have dated for 18 years (off and on through high school and college and solid from our last year of college on) and have been married for almost 8 years. We have lived together for about 13-14 years, ever since we came home from college.

I found out by chance, just because I logged in to our cell phone provider's website and noticed that my wife had over 3,000 text messages last month (that's a lot, if you weren't aware, probably more than some families combined). I thought this was odd because I only had 800 text messages, and I text A LOT. So, I look at the month before last month and see that there are 3,800 text messages. Now I'm thinking something is totally wrong. I look at the last 7 months and see that there was a spike from 400 texts a month to 3,000-3,800 texts a month in the last 7-8 months. So I start looking at the phone numbers. I notice that there is one that just keeps popping up. I do a search in a single month and find that there are 3,500 of the 3,800 texts coming and going to the same phone number.

So, I almost immediately knew what was up. I used an app called SlyDial that allows you to call a number and put you straight through to voicemail and heard the message and the name of the person she had been talking to. It was her old supervisor. This man still works for the company but moved to a different department. He is married. And he has two small children. He's about 10 years older than her.

When I confronted her about the text messages, she said it was just work and he felt like because they worked together before, he could contact her directly and that she wasn't happy about it.

I remained calm and took her explanation for what it was. But as the day went on, I found it strange that someone who texted my wife 3,000+ times a month, on a daily basis, had not texted her at all today (because now I am just logged in to the cell phone account and watching it). So I started digging at the texts and looking at dates and times. I see text messages, initiate by my wife, at 2am, while I am asleep in the bed next to her. And not 1 or 2. I'm talking 15-20 from 2am-4:30am, which is about the time I get up for work. Then the texts die off and start back up at 5:30am, after I leave for work. 7-8 hours after the initial confrontation, I ask her if shes ready to be honest with me. I tell her that her explanation doesn't add up and that there are texts from her as well and texts at 2am don't seem work related or like something you're frustrated to have to deal with.

She then goes in to how shes had an "inappropriate relationship" and had gone out with this guy for drinks a few times but it was never "physical". Then I asked her if she had kissed him. With a sad face and a sob, she said, "yes" (I guess our definition of "physical" is different?). She continues, "But it was only once, and after it happened they 'hated it' and that's when the relationship started to deteriorate." She told me about getting drunk and wrecking her car a few months ago was an awakening for her (she had been out with him and a few other co-workers at happy hour) and that she realized then that her life was "spiraling out of control". 

I left the house and went to meet with a close friend to discuss and try to get some advice. I told him I didn't believe her and felt like I was only able to get the information I got because she was more of less caught on that stuff. He mentioned the possibility of getting text message transcripts. 

When I called the phone company they informed me that I would need a subpoena and even then they could only retrieve about 48 hours worth of texts. BUT, he mentioned that there was data recovery software out there, while it costs $50-100, it might be a viable option. So I came straight home and tried it out on my phone. I was able to pull up texts from 2-3 years ago, no problem.

Armed with this, I went to her and I said, "I only see a few options for moving forward here, A) we confront the other guy, B) I use this software on your phone and read the texts myself or C) you tell me what I already know.

So she broke and told me that she had been sleeping with him. I feel like because I had to do so much work to get the information that I did, she still wasn't telling me the whole truth (but even if she had been telling me everything, I suspect I still might feel this way?) I asked her how many times, she said, "less than a handful." (WTF is that? and now I'm thinking where did I get this dictionary with this effed up definition of "physical"?) I asked her when it started, she said "last summer". I asked when the last time was, she said, "when I went on that work trip for a week, 4 weeks ago." I asked her if he had ever been in my house, she said "No." Have you been to his, "No." I asked, "all those nights you're 'working late', is this what you were working on?" She said, "No. It was always at a hotel, during work hours." He was a gent, they split the bills.

She wants to go to counseling, I said I would be willing to do that but I asked her, in her mind, what is the best case scenario here, how does this work out good for anyone? She has apologized numerous times, she has told me shes sorry, she wants to be with me and she knows that now. 

Do people come back from this sort of thing? Is it possible? Aren't I always going to wonder where she is and what she is doing?

I don't know what to do. I come from a divorced family (father 3 times) and I honestly don't believe in "marriage" because of my family history. I believe you either promise yourself and your life to someone or you don't. She needed the dress and the reception, so we went through the with ceremony. I always told her and myself that I would not get a divorce and that was something that I wanted to stand for. I also believe that life is bound to repeat itself if you let it. I was/am determined to break my family's dysfunctional cycle.

I have been with this woman in some capacity for more than half of my life. In my mind, all I have ever wanted to do was love her. Have there been times that I was unhappy, sure. Absolutely. Did I want to give up, hell yes. But I never did. Have I had women make passes at me and flirt with me, yup. Have I flirted back? Occasionally. Have I ever acted on those impulses, not once since we began living together.

I'm not even sure I want to stay. But I'm not sure if I want to go, either? I guess counseling is the first step?

How do I keep her from going back to this job, especially not knowing whether or not I would be willing to stay?

If I did decide to stay, I'm sure we can figure out a way to make ends meet. But if I don't stay, I'll have forced her out of her career and her life is really effed then. I know some of you might say "screw her, she effed up." and that is true, but I am not going to feel responsible for one bad thing that comes of this.

I'm just so lost. This was my best friend. The person I was supposed to grow old with. It still doesn't seem real.

....................................................

I should probably also just give a brief background on our childhood relationship(s) from in high school and college, we both fooled around a bit, outside of our "relationship". Probably more so me than her, but we were both doing it. But, TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, once we moved in together she never strayed again until now. And I never have. I have always been pretty upfront and honest, I am here and this is where I want to be until I tell you otherwise. I expected the same from her, and told her as much.

I guess the worst part is, I felt/knew this a year and a half ago, when she says it started. I confronted her about it. She told me I was overacting and that there was nothing going on and there were no problems between her and myself. This is where she wanted to be. Same thing she is saying now. I also confronted her again, probably a 8-12 months ago, and specifically asked about this other guy. She told me emphatically, "No." 

I'm not stupid but I also am not going to spend (read: waste) my life trying to catch someone doing something they shouldn't be doing. I watched that ruined my mother and I will not become that.


So, aside from general responses and thoughts and wisdom, I guess I would like to know:

1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here? I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.

2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance? 

3. Should I tell this guy's wife?

4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for?

I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown. 

- notme81


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## GusPolinski

On my way out the door, so I don't have a lot of time, but for now I'll address these two questions...



notme81 said:


> 2. *Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job* if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance?


Yes.



notme81 said:


> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife?


Yes.


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## ButtPunch

notme81 said:


> 1. Is it possible to fix this? MaybeIs it just best to make a clean break now and move on?Maybe Can there ever be trust here? Never the sameI mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.
> 
> 
> 2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance? YES
> 
> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife? YES
> 
> 4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for? Whatever is going to help you heal.
> 
> I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown.
> 
> - notme81


Do you have children? After you tell the OM's man wife, if she is supportive it is a sign of remorse. If she is dead set against it, it means she is still loyal to him.


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## MattMatt

You can get through this.

Get tested for STDS. 

Get DNA checks on your children. This is NOT to check that you are their father it is to prove to your wife how much she has hurt you and how she has destroyed your faith in her.

You will need to instigate a sexual harrissment case against him. Supervisor forcing himself on subordinate? That's bad. How many others are there?

Tell his wife she needs to be given a heads up do SHE can get tested for STDS, too.


You will need to see your doctor for some temporary help.

I would NOT recommend marriage counselling yet. 

Before then you need to get your wife to be subjected to a lie detector test.

Also see a lawyer to protect your interests.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

It's also too early to let your wife know you're willing to work on the marriage.


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## ButtPunch

Jasel said:


> It's also too early to let your wife know you're willing to work on the marriage.


I agree


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## Hardtohandle

Sorry your here..

Yes things can be fixed but it is REALLY HARD... Not impossible BUT ITS HARD... You will get into worse fights down this road.. You will be second guessing yourself at the worth and effort of doing it.. IT IS HARD.. But doable.. 

Your spouse really has to have the fortitude to do it as well and the real desire to do it..

You didn't mention kids on your side which is good because kids just cause another issue in this..

Yes expose him to his wife.. 

Its not to punish him.. Its to keep him busy.. You seen how just you telling her and her telling him about you finding out cut out the texts messages.. Well imagine how busy he will be trying fix his own marriage with his own wife.. Having someone watching him will keep him away from your wife and give you both time to fix your own issues. If you miss something, his wife will be sure to tell you if she catches it.. 

So if she is secretly calling him and his wife catches him and her, she will come running to you to tell you To tell your wife to stay away from him and stop calling. Because he might want to tell his wife out of transparency and looking to save his own A$$..

You need to out her to the family as well. Again.. If mom, dad, brother, sister, aunts or uncles are over to council her she doesn't have alone time to call him.. 

Follow the 180 steps listed in my signature to help you.. 

You really,really,really need to face the reality that you might have to give this all up to fix it.. ONLY THEN will you have a chance.. 

Personally I was not ready that way. My Ex wife did what we call a fake R or Fake reconciliation and was still seeing this other man.. When I discovered it, it was worse emotionally the 2nd time around.. Because it was a lie wrapped within a lie.. I was nearly suicidal over it.. 

This is why you do the 180... You need honestly and truly expect the worst and hope for the best.. You really do need that mind set for this type of thing.. Its like cancer for a marriage.. It really is..

I will tell you this, if she slips up during reconcile or says she needs time to think cut her loose. 

Do NOT give her time to think about it.. To be separated.. Either she is all in or all out.. 

Always remember getting divorced does NOT preclude you from getting remarried again or getting back together with this person.. Many have done this exact thing years later.. 

Personally emotionally I was in your shoes.. I wanted nothing more than to be with my Ex wife.. Until I got divorced and I realized I could do better and did.. But only because my Ex wife wanted divorce, otherwise I would kept trying to fix my very broken marriage and wife.. Deep down I know my Ex wife would never be fixed.. She just lacked the tools in her emotional toolbox to fix this sort of thing.. 

So hindsight being 20/20 her pushing me for a divorce was the BEST thing for me.. I just didn't see it then..

BTW my Ex did the same thing with Text messages and calling.. Its all common and the way people cheat and lie is pretty much the same.. This is why you will hear it called the cheaters script.. Even though these people have nothing in common with each other it seems every person that cheats ( wayward spouse ) has pretty much the same lines and things to say to us the betrayed spouses..

Also do NOT sit on your hands deciding on what to do.. Indecision is your enemy here.. 

Think of this as a WAR.. You need to attack, hard, fast and swift.. You really need to have the enemy in shock and awe.. She cannot have time to recover before you attack her again.. You need to have a counter for whatever she does..
She needs to see a side of you, she has never seen before.. 
Again it really is that way to fix this.. For many it is counter to what they want as the cheating spouse will throw out lines like, if you do this I will NEVER BE WITH YOU.. If you do this you will ruin our chances of ever being together.. 

She will NOT want you telling his wife.. Just do it.. Don't ask her..
Just remember there is NOTHING you can do that will make this worse than it is.. 

Why because as I said.. You need to assume the worst, which is she is gone and hope she will come back.. 
Again now you need to go against what you think is right.. It really is basic instinct stuff.

Keep posting..


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## notme81

ButtPunch said:


> Do you have children? After you tell the OM's man wife, if she is supportive it is a sign of remorse. If she is dead set against it, it means she is still loyal to him.


We have no children. 

Initially when I told my wife that I would be contacting his wife, she asked "Why? What if someone had done that to your family when you were a child?" To which I responded, "Someone did this to my family as an adult."

This morning she said she "...didn't give a s#!t if I contacted his wife, screw him." So, it's a little of both? Maybe her first inclination was to be loyal to him, only to realize there may be a chance for her here? Or, even worse, if I break the OM's marriage and ours doesnt work either, they can go back to splitting hotel bills until they can find a place to live?


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## toonaive

If you dont have children, then your decision making process will be made much clearer. Seriously! it does. Your marriage, the wife you knew, are over. Is reconciliation a possibility? Sure. But, from my experience of trying it for 6 years, my WW was caught cheating again
So my advice is tainted by this experience. If you can get over, and forgive your wife, not forget, and your wife is willing to do the work and make some serious changes, to regain your trust, you may have a chance. If not, detach and work towards divorce. Ultimately the decision is YOURS. A marriage can have problems, but the person who chooses to cheat, owns that decision completely.


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## notme81

MattMatt said:


> You can get through this.
> 
> Get tested for STDS.
> 
> Get DNA checks on your children. This is NOT to check that you are their father it is to prove to your wife how much she has hurt you and how she has destroyed your faith in her.
> 
> You will need to instigate a sexual harrissment case against him. Supervisor forcing himself on subordinate? That's bad. How many others are there?
> 
> Tell his wife she needs to be given a heads up do SHE can get tested for STDS, too.
> 
> 
> You will need to see your doctor for some temporary help.
> 
> I would NOT recommend marriage counselling yet.
> 
> Before then you need to get your wife to be subjected to a lie detector test.
> 
> Also see a lawyer to protect your interests.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I will definitely get checked out. 

sexual harassment might be a stretch and it might not be something she is willing to do?

It is a large, international tech company. Pretty big.

Why are you recommending I see my doctor, and for what kind of "temporary help"?

What is the lie detector for? Are you being serious? Please don't take that the wrong way, just trying to figure out why you're recommending this? Because it's probably bigger than she's letting on? How do I go about that, and what kinds of questions do I have asked there?


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## Hardtohandle

You need to put up a hard front.. 

Slap her with one hand and then help her back up with the other.. 

She needs to know you will cut her loose if isn't pushing you to reconcile.. 

She needs to push for reconciliation not you.. She needs to begging and crying. Not you..

I know it is easier said than done.. I failed at this as well. 

But if you can tough it out now it will help you down the road in saving your marriage..


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## notme81

Jasel said:


> It's also too early to let your wife know you're willing to work on the marriage.


So what would you suggest? How long does one wait it out? When is it safe to begin considering? I am by no means leaning towards "staying", just trying to do what I imagine a reasonable person would in this situation.


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## convert

notme81 said:


> 1. Is it possible to fix this? yes/maybe Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? maybe Can there ever be trust here? not 100%maybe 95% at best I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles. true, about the best you can be do is hidden GPS in the car with maybe VAC (voice activated recorder) hidden in the car
> 
> 2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance? Yes or the OM leave the job (one or the other), this is essential if you are going to R (reconcile)
> 
> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife? Yes, absolutely this is part of the exposure which is important, It helps with no contact and gives another set of eyes on the affair. you should tell the OM's wife even if you D (divorce).
> and do not tell your WW (wayward wife) you are going to tell OM's wife.
> 
> 4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for? The timeline is important with details (now how much details of the affair is up to you, because once you know certain things it hurt a lot)
> her response should be as truthful and not defensive.
> 
> It might not be a bad idea to go ahead and retrieve the text messages on her phone for evidence and keep the evidence in a safe place
> I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown.
> 
> - notme81


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## Hardtohandle

notme81 said:


> I will definitely get checked out.
> 
> sexual harassment might be a stretch and it might not be something she is willing to do?
> 
> It is a large, international tech company. Pretty big.
> 
> Why are you recommending I see my doctor, and for what kind of "temporary help"?
> 
> What is the lie detector for? Are you being serious? Please don't take that the wrong way, just trying to figure out why you're recommending this? Because it's probably bigger than she's letting on? How do I go about that, and what kinds of questions do I have asked there?


medication...

A boss can not fvck someone below him.. Even if she does not bring it up, you just mentioning will cause him issues. But it might get them both terminated..


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## notme81

Hardtohandle said:


> Sorry your here..
> 
> Yes things can be fixed but it is REALLY HARD... Not impossible BUT ITS HARD... You will get into worse fights down this road.. You will be second guessing yourself at the worth and effort of doing it.. IT IS HARD.. But doable..
> 
> Your spouse really has to have the fortitude to do it as well and the real desire to do it..
> 
> You didn't mention kids on your side which is good because kids just cause another issue in this..
> 
> Yes expose him to his wife..
> 
> Its not to punish him.. Its to keep him busy.. You seen how just you telling her and her telling him about you finding out cut out the texts messages.. Well imagine how busy he will be trying fix his own marriage with his own wife.. Having someone watching him will keep him away from your wife and give you both time to fix your own issues. If you miss something, his wife will be sure to tell you if she catches it..
> 
> So if she is secretly calling him and his wife catches him and her, she will come running to you to tell you To tell your wife to stay away from him and stop calling. Because he might want to tell his wife out of transparency and looking to save his own A$$..
> 
> You need to out her to the family as well. Again.. If mom, dad, brother, sister, aunts or uncles are over to council her she doesn't have alone time to call him..
> 
> Follow the 180 steps listed in my signature to help you..
> 
> You really,really,really need to face the reality that you might have to give this all up to fix it.. ONLY THEN will you have a chance..
> 
> Personally I was not ready that way. My Ex wife did what we call a fake R or Fake reconciliation and was still seeing this other man.. When I discovered it, it was worse emotionally the 2nd time around.. Because it was a lie wrapped within a lie.. I was nearly suicidal over it..
> 
> This is why you do the 180... You need honestly and truly expect the worst and hope for the best.. You really do need that mind set for this type of thing.. Its like cancer for a marriage.. It really is..
> 
> I will tell you this, if she slips up during reconcile or says she needs time to think cut her loose.
> 
> Do NOT give her time to think about it.. To be separated.. Either she is all in or all out..
> 
> Always remember getting divorced does NOT preclude you from getting remarried again or getting back together with this person.. Many have done this exact thing years later..
> 
> Personally emotionally I was in your shoes.. I wanted nothing more than to be with my Ex wife.. Until I got divorced and I realized I could do better and did.. But only because my Ex wife wanted divorce, otherwise I would kept trying to fix my very broken marriage and wife.. Deep down I know my Ex wife would never be fixed.. She just lacked the tools in her emotional toolbox to fix this sort of thing..
> 
> So hindsight being 20/20 her pushing me for a divorce was the BEST thing for me.. I just didn't see it then..
> 
> BTW my Ex did the same thing with Text messages and calling.. Its all common and the way people cheat and lie is pretty much the same.. This is why you will hear it called the cheaters script.. Even though these people have nothing in common with each other it seems every person that cheats ( wayward spouse ) has pretty much the same lines and things to say to us the betrayed spouses..
> 
> Also do NOT sit on your hands deciding on what to do.. Indecision is your enemy here..
> 
> Think of this as a WAR.. You need to attack, hard, fast and swift.. You really need to have the enemy in shock and awe.. She cannot have time to recover before you attack her again.. You need to have a counter for whatever she does..
> She needs to see a side of you, she has never seen before..
> Again it really is that way to fix this.. For many it is counter to what they want as the cheating spouse will throw out lines like, if you do this I will NEVER BE WITH YOU.. If you do this you will ruin our chances of ever being together..
> 
> She will NOT want you telling his wife.. Just do it.. Don't ask her..
> Just remember there is NOTHING you can do that will make this worse than it is..
> 
> Why because as I said.. You need to assume the worst, which is she is gone and hope she will come back..
> Again now you need to go against what you think is right.. It really is basic instinct stuff.
> 
> Keep posting..


Thank you. Question, I am not on social media, I just created a facebook page and a linkedin page for the sole purpose of contacting his wife. I am worried he has access to her facebook so I a hesitant to contact her there. I THINK I have found her work email, should I contact her there? 

Should I put everything in that initial message or just tell her who I am and that I have something I need to speak to her about?

I have a message ready to go where I ask if she is his wife and then say, "My wife worked directly with your husband up until about a year and a half ago. I really need to speak to you. It's sort of personal and very important. Please get back to me as soon as possible."

Should I say more? I mean, this is her work email address? Just throw it all out there and attached the 252 page PDF of phone records laced with her husbands phone number and ask if she wants to discuss the details I have been able to ascertain?


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## imjustwatching

no children ? run just run and don't look back


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## notme81

Hardtohandle said:


> medication...
> 
> A boss can not fvck someone below him.. Even if she does not bring it up, you just mentioning will cause him issues. But it might get them both terminated..


I can't do meds, I just would rather gut it out. 

Yes. I don't want to get her fired, safe to wait until she can find a new gig?


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## Suspecting2014

Hardtohandle said:


> medication...
> 
> A boss can not fvck someone below him.. Even if she does not bring it up, you just mentioning will cause him issues. But *it might get them both terminated*..


This is a real posibility and if you divorce her is better she has a job to reduce, eliminate alimoney.

Anyhow, you should prepare a masive letter/ email for expose bigtime, family (hers, yours), close friends, etc.

Get legal advise just to know where you are and what you may face if D.


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## Jasel

I'll just try to put my thoughts out there. I'm sure you'll get plenty of similar advice.

1. Your wife is only going to admit to what you can prove. You can't trust anything she says to you at this time, as she's already proven she can't be trusted. She didn't confess to cheating on you, you caught her. This is important. She also trickle truthed you and again only admitted to what you could prove.

2. You don't need to inform your wife of every decision and thought rolling around in your head. You don't need to ask her permission to inform the OM wife, you don't need to tell her you're going to expose the affair to the OM wife or anyone else at all. Just expose to the other mans wife (don't do this unless you have concrete evidence you can provide).

3. You need to expose this to your family and hers (again you do this with hard evidence otherwise it will turn into he said, she said). I've seen a lot of betrayed spouses thrown under the bus to their families because they were too afraid/ashamed/weak to expose and the cheating spouse was more than willing to tell the families all sorts of lies to get out ahead of any potential exposure. Again you do NOT need to give your wife the head's up on this.

4. It is RARE for an affair to stop dead in it's tracks even after confrontation/D-day. This is why early exposure is so necessary. Affairs can rarely handle the scrutiny of friends and family. Your wife was living in a fantasy world with no consequences, no scrutiny and was able to compartmentalize her life and marriage with you separate from her AP (affair partner). With exposure comes the cold hard slap in the face by reality.

5. Women do not respect men who don't stand up for themselves when disrespected the way she disrespected you. Men who try to instaforgive, instantly offer to work on the marriage, act wishy washy/insecure/needy/desperate/weak , etc after D-Day lose even more respect in their cheating wife's eyes. 

Men who display strength from the start and make it clear that they're more than willing to show their wives the door, are more likely to have their cheating wives want to stay and work on the marriage. The ones who basically tell their wives "I'm willing to work on things" almost from the get go? Those wives are much more likely to run back to their AP, or ask for "space" or a "break" to figure things out. While still running back to the AP.

6. Telling your wife she has to take a polygraph serves a few purposes. Her willingness or unwillingness will show how sincere she is about working on the marriage. Also many cheating spouses when facing the prospect of a polygraph are much more likely to come clean. There have been more than a few stories here of "parking lot confessions" when arriving at the facility for the polygraph.

7. Your wife has to quit her job or you need to show her the door. That shouldn't even be negotiable.

8. Read my signature "The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship." You need to be willing to leave your marriage in order to save it. If you hold onto your marriage for dear life and your wife knows this, then she has even less incentive to work on the marriage, stop her affair, or not have another one in the future.

9. Get an STD test.

10. See a lawyer and explore your options. I would let your wife know you're talking to a divorce lawyer.

11. Do NOT make her any promises to work on the marriage, or offer to give her a second chance this early. Your wife does not respect you at this point in time and doing either of these will make you look VERY weak and unappealing.

How you handle this at the early stages will help determine how successful you are in terms of divorce, reconciliation, or whatever you decide to do.


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## convert

keep in mind, they say R (reconciliation) takes 2 to 5 years with both spouses working hard.

I am a pro R guy but with no kids in the picture it does change things.
I guess it all depends on how she is in R.
Protect yourself from a false R, where she might continue the affair a few months down the road. This is where monitoring comes in and it sucks but if you want to R you have to know where you stand.
No more happy hours after work


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## Hicks

I think you should not get her fired, since you will then become more financially responsible for her if you divorce.

My suggestion is you is to see a lawyer. Figure out if adultery matters in your state before you have sex with her. Figure out what your or her financial picture will look like in a divorce. Tell your wife that if she wants to remain married to you then she has to figure out what she needs to do to win you back. In parallel, start the process of divorce. Reevaluate periodically whether your wife and the marriage she will provide is what you want. In other words, file for divorce, put the responsiblity on her to make changes, and at some point in the future you decide whether to pull the trigger or not on the final divorce.


----------



## Suspecting2014

notme81 said:


> I can't do meds, I just would rather gut it out.
> 
> Yes. I don't want to get her fired,* safe to wait until she can find a new gig?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Do you have OM mobile number? Call him and tell him that you are going to expose to HR if he doesnt get translated, or at least shifts, in a week.
> 
> I will also suggest that you can use the same way to get his version of the affair, how many time, if they bad mouthed you, if they planned to divorce to get together, etc.
> 
> And of course, to get him sweat. also you can ask him to confess to his wife and tell her to call you or HR and the rest of the cia, will receive all texts.


----------



## Yeswecan

I'm in agreement with all that posted.

-No children.
-Does not appear your W is remorseful
-YOU DESERVE BETTER.


----------



## notme81

Jasel said:


> I'll just try to put my thoughts out there. I'm sure you'll get plenty of similar advice.
> 
> 1. Your wife is only going to admit to what you can prove. You can't trust anything she says to you at this time, as she's already proven she can't be trusted. She didn't confess to cheating on you, you caught her. This is important. She also trickle truthed you and again only admitted to what you could prove.
> 
> 2. You don't need to inform your wife of every decision and thought rolling around in your head. You don't need to ask her permission to inform the OM wife, you don't need to tell her you're going to expose the affair to the OM wife or anyone else at all. Just expose to the other mans wife (don't do this unless you have concrete evidence you can provide).
> 
> 3. You need to expose this to your family and hers (again you do this with hard evidence otherwise it will turn into he said, she said). I've seen a lot of betrayed spouses thrown under the bus to their families because they were too afraid/ashamed/weak to expose and the cheating spouse was more than willing to tell the families all sorts of lies to get out ahead of any potential exposure.
> 
> 4. It is RARE for an affair to stop dead in it's tracks even after confrontation/D-day. This is why exposure is so necessary. Affairs can rarely handle the scrutiny of friends and family. Your wife was living in a fantasy world with no consequences, no scrutiny and was able to compartmentalize her life and marriage with you separate from her AP (affair partner). With exposure comes the cold hard slap in the face by reality.
> 
> 5. Women do not respect men who don't stand up for themselves when disrespected the way she disrespected you. Men who try to instaforgive, instantly offer to work on the marriage, act wishy washy/insecure/needy/desperate/weak , etc after D-Day lose even more respect in their cheating wife's eyes.
> 
> Men who display strength from the start and make it clear that they're more than willing to show their wives the door, are more likely to have their cheating wives want to stay and work on the marriage. The ones who basically tell their wives "I'm willing to work on things" almost from the get go? Those wives are much more likely to run back to their AP, or ask for "space" or a "break" to figure things out. While still running back to the AP.
> 
> 6. Telling your wife she has to take a polygraph serves a few purposes. Her willingness or unwillingness will show how sincere she is about working on the marriage. Also many cheating spouses when facing the prospect of a polygraph are much more likely to come clean. There have been more than a few stories here of "parking lot confessions" when arriving at the facility for the polygraph.
> 
> 7. Your wife has to quit her job or you need to show her the door. That shouldn't even be negotiable.
> 
> 8. Read my signature "The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship." You need to be willing to leave your marriage in order to save it. If you hold onto your marriage for dear life and your wife knows this, then she has even less incentive to work on the marriage, stop her affair, or not have another one in the future.
> 
> 9. Get an STD test.
> 
> 10. See a lawyer and explore your options. I would let your wife know you're talking to a divorce lawyer.
> 
> 11. Do NOT make her any promises to work on the marriage, or offer to give her a second chance this early. Your wife does not respect you at this point in time and doing either of these will make you look VERY weak and unappealing.
> 
> How you handle this at the early stages will help determine how successful you are in terms of divorce, reconciliation, or whatever you decide to do.



What do I say to his wife in my initial contact? I don't even know if I have the correct email?


----------



## Jasel

And do NOT have kids with her anytime soon if ever.


----------



## Jasel

notme81 said:


> What do I say to his wife in my initial contact? I don't even know if I have the correct email?


I wouldn't even email her. You never know who has access to it. Her husband might intercept it and you'd never be the wiser. You also have no way of being sure she's even seen it if she decides to do nothing about it. I'd try to find out where she works or where she lives and hand her copies of whatever evidence you have in person. 

Simply tell her the truth. Tell her you're sorry to tell her the bad news but her husband and your wife have been having an affair, then present her with the evidence. What she chooses to do with it and her marriage after that are on her. But there's a good chance her AP will start to lose interest in your wife when it becomes clear his marriage is at risk. Most married men who cheat have no intentions of leaving their wives and will walk away from their AP, if not throw them under the bus outright, to save their own marriage.


----------



## Graywolf2

notme81 said:


> sexual harassment might be a stretch and it might not be something she is willing to do?
> It is a large, international tech company. Pretty big.


It doesn’t have to be harassment. Large company’s have policies about supervisors having sexual relations with the rank and file. Recover her texts for evidence.



notme81 said:


> She told me about getting drunk and wrecking her car a few months ago was an awakening for her (she had been out with him and a few other co-workers at happy hour) and that she realized then that her life was "spiraling out of control".
> 
> So she broke and told me that she had been sleeping with him. I asked when the last time was, she said, "when I went on that work trip for a week, 4 weeks ago."


So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?



notme81 said:


> This morning she said she "...didn't give a s#!t if I contacted his wife, screw him."


The good new is it sounds like your wife wasn't planning on dumping you for the OM. The OM is married with two kids and was probably in it for the sex just like your wife. 

The bad news is guys are always available for no strings sex. The facts are you had no idea until you caught her by accident and she lies to you about having sex with other men. You have no idea how many times this happened over the years. 

Do what is best for you. You might be better off staying with her but there will be a price. For the rest of your life you will never be totally secure. With no kids I would run.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81


> I'm not stupid but I also am not going to spend (read: waste) my life trying to catch someone doing something they shouldn't be doing. I watched that ruined my mother and I will not become that.


You are 100% correct. You are not stupid. You are a guy who is doing his best and have moral character. It is my belief that you have answered the question of which path to take. 

Do not get your W fired. She will need the job. You do not need to be paying alimony. Prepare to D. Understand what you W has done is calculated. 

Sorry you are here...


----------



## Suspecting2014

notme81 said:


> I will definitely get checked out.
> 
> *sexual harassment might be a stretch and it might not be something she is willing to do?*
> 
> It is a large, international tech company. Pretty big.
> 
> Why are you recommending I see my doctor, and for what kind of "temporary help"?
> 
> What is the lie detector for? Are you being serious? Please don't take that the wrong way, just trying to figure out why you're recommending this? Because it's probably bigger than she's letting on? How do I go about that, and what kinds of questions do I have asked there?


If she agrees to the sexual harassment it will show that she is willing to do anything to R. You dont have to press charges even if she is willing to.


----------



## jb02157

I agree that it would very hard to make this realtionship work anymore. You would have to really really want it and it seems you have too many doubts about her to make it work. She is a serial cheater and that kind of stuff doesn't tend to stop once it starts. If you stayed together, you would always be wondering if she's doing it again. I've seen people recover only if the cheater is open to complete openess where they are at all times and is willing to let you look at all their texts...but really, what kind of life is that? I honestly don't think you will be happy with this relationship anymore. Yes, she was supposed to be the person you grow old with, but she had other ideas. Life doesn't work out the way we wants it sometimes. I think this time you'll have to cut your losses.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> What do I say to his wife in my initial contact? I don't even know if I have the correct email?


"Your H and my W are having an inappropriate sexual relationship. I have proof."

Understand a nuclear bomb has been dropped into your life. Share the aftermath with the OMW. I see no reason for OM to walk away without a consequence.


----------



## Abel402

notme, 

I am in a similar situation with my wife, My wife hasn't admitted to anything physical though.... It was texting, so I am at the point now that I am trying to get the whole story and if there is a physical affair going on now or not.

These guys and gals on here are great, and have really helped my change my mindset from being blindsided with the issue and opened my eyes to worrying about myself and my kids, rather than setting in a corner and giving up. Kids do change things in the situation, but either way you should be happy and don't deserve being cheated on!


----------



## toonaive

Just be straightforward about it. Use your anger to drive you, and change his focus from your wife to his own. You are doing this to shake his world up, to all the complications associated with bringing an affair into the light of day. This POS knew your wife was married, yet he continued to engage her. Get Pissed Off! This is costing you. Why not put that burden back on him.


----------



## vellocet

notme81 said:


> I should probably also just give a brief background on our childhood relationship(s) from in high school and college, we both fooled around a bit, outside of our "relationship". Probably more so me than her, but we were both doing it.


Aye yi yi. I had already started writing responses to your words before the above paragraph. 

Had to delete it once I read this. So you both cheated while dating, you both knew it.....and somehow you didn't think it would happen again?

Once a cheater always a cheater may not be correct in all cases, but IMO, its correct in a majority of cases. So much so that its not worth the risk to be with someone that has.




> 1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here?


You started this relationship with untrustworthy behavior to begin with, on both your parts. Now 8 years into marriage, its come back to bite you.

So my answer is no, there will never be trust because it takes trustworthy people.




> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife?


Absolutely. She deserves to know what a POS her husband is.




> 4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife?


-How do you want to divide up the assets?

-Are we going to agree on custody?

-Which one of us will eventually leave the family home?

-Do you want me to file, or do you want to?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Edited


----------



## Graywolf2

Graywolf2 said:


> It doesn’t have to be harassment. Large company’s have policies about supervisors having sexual relations with the rank and file.  Recover her texts for evidence.





Yeswecan said:


> Do not get your W fired. She will need the job. You do not need to be paying alimony. Prepare to D.


*If you’re 100% going to divorce* do not get your wife fired. *

RECOVER HER TEXTS NOW! * Your wife doesn’t realize it yet but they can get her fired. Do not come out and say it but if you get the texts now you use them for leverage later. Get the best divorce terms you can. 

If you tell the OMW you might start a chain of events that gets them both fired. You can always tell the OMW after your divorce is final.


----------



## notme81

So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?
My thoughts exactly. Everything is like pulling teeth. It's not looking good.


----------



## vellocet

Get rid of her.


----------



## alte Dame

Your first step, in my opinion, is to do what it takes to tell the OM's wife. It sounds like you are in the process of doing this.

Second for me is to develop a mindset going forward:

These two have been focused on one another for the last year. For your WW, you have been the negligible background noise in her exciting affair life.

Bring yourself forcefully to the foreground and stay there.

Shaking up the OM's world by making him scramble to save his marriage is an action that makes him look like the lying creep that he is & makes you appear forceful and decisive.

Take and keep control of this process. Tell her that you don't know what you want to do yet, but that what you do with your life is 100% your decision. You now have a lying cheat for a wife and the chances are good that you won't want that forever.

Take some time, but don't let her see you sweat as you work through your thoughts. Always keep in mind that she is going to continue to lie and cover her a*s. She will want to protect him as he goes into CYA mode. You have to try to stay above the fray with the two of them as you take and maintain your high ground. Never let her have control of your decisions. She has been making decisions in secret about your life for a while now & no longer gets to do that.

Strength and decisiveness. Fake the strength until you make it. You aren't anyone's background noise. Keep reminding yourself of that.


----------



## KingwoodKev

notme81 said:


> What is the lie detector for? Are you being serious? Please don't take that the wrong way, just trying to figure out why you're recommending this? Because it's probably bigger than she's letting on? How do I go about that, and what kinds of questions do I have asked there?


There are polygraph service companies in every city in America. My FWW and I recently both took one. They cost about $500 per test. The test took us about 3 hours apiece. The company will help you with the question list but you can add your own too. It's very illuminating and can help you get ALL lies on the table so you can start with a clean slate and work forward or decide this level of deceit was too much for you and move on. Maybe you should both take one if you can afford it. I took one too even though I did not cheat but it was very helpful because her questions told me a lot of stuff she's been holding in. She asked me if I cheated on her when I was stationed in the Philippines back when I was in the Marines. The last time I was in the Philippines was 1988 so this is how long she's been wondering.

It can really cleanse the dirt, or at least expose it, for the entire length of your marriage and help you make more informed decisions. I highly recommend it.


----------



## toonaive

Unfortunately, your WW is not being truthful with you. That means that the whole truth is worse. I would skip past R and go straight to D strategy. Your WW hasnt hit rock bottom yet, and probably wont until after D. Only then, might she show some measure of remorse. Maybe. Either way, you have the opportunity to move on with your life.


----------



## convert

notme81 said:


> So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?
> My thoughts exactly. Everything is like pulling teeth. It's not looking good.


she is probably trying to minimize, deflect, and doing some damage control.
and yes the TT (trickle truth) she probably has not told the whole truth that is why recovering the texts will give you a clearer picture.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?
> My thoughts exactly. Everything is like pulling teeth. It's not looking good.


TT and minimizing. You have figured it out already. Why spend your time in the very near future keeping a wary eye on everything?


----------



## tryingpatience

notme81 said:


> I can't do meds, I just would rather gut it out.
> 
> Yes. I don't want to get her fired, safe to wait until she can find a new gig?


Now is not the time to be decisive. Forget about what a reasonable person would do. Those who attack the problem directly always come out better and stronger in these situations. There is evidence of it on this forum.

You got sound advice on the first post. Expose and stand your ground. Demand what you need in order to see if you want this marriage anymore. Who cares what she wants because frankly she didn't care about your well being. Do this now and you'll be in a better position to see if she is truly remorseful and if you even want this anymore.

You have the evidence. Now act on it. Expose and demand.


----------



## tryingpatience

The longer you wait to act the worse it will get. Please trust me on this.


----------



## notme81

vellocet said:


> Aye yi yi. I had already started writing responses to your words before the above paragraph.
> 
> Had to delete it once I read this. So you both cheated while dating, you both knew it.....and somehow you didn't think it would happen again?
> 
> Once a cheater always a cheater may not be correct in all cases, but IMO, its correct in a majority of cases. So much so that its not worth the risk to be with someone that has.
> 
> 
> I am definitely of the mind that you either are a cheater or you are not. I have cheated. So, I would have consider myself a cheater. However, I have never broken my marital vows. That is where I see the difference, personally. I swore an oath, in front my family, her family, our friends and god, to love, honor and protect. She must have been using that funny dictionary again when she looked up those words?


----------



## G.J.

notme81 said:


> So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?
> My thoughts exactly. Everything is like pulling teeth. It's not looking good.


The first thing is:

Personally I would tell her you'll file for divorce tomorrow unless she comes clean on ALL THE DETAILS including 
the time line of when and where and did the things they did (if you need to know)

If any detail is omitted or lied about then any future R will not be considered

*You need to know everything* before you can even begin to make a decision
How can you decide to reconcile (if that's what you decide) with her trickle truthing you bit by bit all it would accomplish will be more 
pain and anguish for you

Tell her you will recover all texts just to spur her on


----------



## OldWolf57

Notme, sorry you are here man.

Inspite of some of the replies, you're in the right place for help.

To start, you need to file now. Why? TT and lying still. So there is no real remorse, except for getting caught.
Why only for getting caught? Because this wasn't an exit affair. She likes having a home and hubby, and a little on the side.

Now don't take the "no respect" for you comments wrongly, but in a sense, they are true. Doing this, and when confronted earlier, she never stopped.
That alone says how she see you. AND always will if you continue with her.

Leave her job alone, but expose him to his wife, and her to family.

Dude, she was so comfortable, that she started txt'in with you laying beside her. My man, she going to always feel she got over on you if you take her back..


----------



## carolinadreams

You're going to get trickle truth for a bit, maybe 1 out of 100 cheaters seems capable of immediately owning their failures and lies, the rest seem to have go through some process of understanding the truth is the only way forward.

Disclosing to the OM's wife is good, she deserves the same truth you do, though don't be surprised if she reacts angrily. Any think that de-fantasizes the affair and it exposes it for idiotic, low behavior is typically good. I

Can you work it out? That's a big question - assuming your wife goes into individual counseling with a marriage friendly psychiatrist and does some hard work you might have a chance. From my own experience and from reading her cheating rarely happens in a vacuum, the cheating usually goes hand in hand with some other strong form of dysfunction, mental illness, trauma, or some negative facet in the cheater's life.

Get ready for 2-3 years of pain, anger, and likely even nightmares. I have them occasionally yet 2.5 years out and my wife only had one physical interaction with the OM.

Not everyone can or should try to recover their relationship after an affair, your wife just murdered your marriage and what ever comes after is a new thing, and will not be what you had before.


----------



## Augusto

no transparency......NO RECONCILING!!!! She can be replaced by someone you trust. It's not all that hard.


----------



## TRy

notme81 said:


> So she had an epiphany a few months ago and had sex with him for a week a month ago?
> My thoughts exactly. Everything is like pulling teeth. It's not looking good.


 Not only did she have sex with him a month ago, which is after her supposed epiphany a few months ago, but after this false epiphany they texted each other thousands of times each month. She is still lying. The text messages that you can see have stopped because she told her affair partner (AP) that you know about the affair and they have taken the affair underground. She says that she does not care if you tell her AP wife about the affair, because she has tipped her AP off and he is watching to block you. Tell her that you have decided not to tell the AP's wife because you do not see how that will help matters, and then tell her without warning your wife first.

Studies show that it takes more time to get over the lies of an affair than it does the sex. She has been lying to you at every turn. She has not stopped lying. The only person that she is confiding in is her AP. When it comes to your wife, he is on the inside and you are the guy on the outside. She has done nothing to earn your trust back. With no trust, there can be no marriage worth having.


----------



## OldWolf57

Look at it this way.
You saw it happening a long way back, but she continued. 
You said something again months later, but she continued.
You brought it up again and she layed beside you txt/in him later.
Now she is busted, and if not for that, she would still be meeting him.


----------



## Clay2013

Well if you don't draw a line in the sand now what does it really happens tomorrow. I personally would make her quit the job today. In fact she would never even go to work. I would also tell her you plan on going and talking to the OM's wife face to face so she can explain why she did what she did to there family. I would tell her anything less than any of this she needs to pack her bags and get out now. The longer you allow someone to abuse you the more you have less of a excuse to say I didn't know. 

You know the truth now. Its time to fight for you. If she shows anything less than 100% the door would be her next path in life. 

Sorry you are going through this but your not going to get anywhere being nice about any of this. 

I personally do not recommend staying with a cheater especially since you don't have kids. I think people that are faithful deserve better. 

Clay


----------



## vellocet

notme81 said:


> I am definitely of the mind that you either are a cheater or you are not. I have cheated. So, I would have consider myself a cheater. However, I have never broken my marital vows. That is where I see the difference, personally. I swore an oath, in front my family, her family, our friends and god, to love, honor and protect. She must have been using that funny dictionary again when she looked up those words?


That wasn't the point. The point was...what did you think was going to happen? 

You both cheated. What made you think all of a sudden either of you didn't want to go off and boff someone else? You may think that you could refrain, but what made you think she would? A ring on her finger?

The other point is, this whole relationship was started off with cheating..on both sides. Stick a fork in it. File for divorce.


----------



## ThePheonix

notme81 said:


> 1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here? I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.
> 
> 2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance?
> 
> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife?


My take on three questions.

1. Despite the equipment not being damaged by his operating it, two concerns remain. A. Why did she lose interest in you? B. Can you ever get past it without constantly being on a slow burn about it?
Can you ever trust her again? We have a phrase for that; "past actions at least shows what a person is capable of". 

2. Its like the hacker who as a condition of his parole is precluded from going near a computer. Need I say more.

3. Probably. It will show her you're a counter puncher and not to be toyed with. It will keep the other guy at a safe distance but if the only way you're going to keep her for laying up with him is to keep him away, what's the use.


----------



## BetrayedDad

notme81 said:


> So, aside from general responses and thoughts and wisdom, I guess I would like to know:
> 
> 1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here? I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.
> 
> 2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance?
> 
> 3. Should I tell this guy's wife?
> 
> 4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for?
> 
> I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown.
> 
> - notme81



1) Anything is POSSIBLE but the fact is as of NOW: A) she has no respect for you B) she is remorseless C) you have no kids and D) you're still plenty young. In this situation, BAIL. The only thing keeping you is the love you think have for the person your wife was PRETENDING to be. When you eventually realize this is a fictional character and the wife you married cares more about being plowed by strange men than her husband, then dumping her will become a no brainer. 

2) If you want to reconcile she quits her job IMMEDIATELY. If you don't and pursue divorce then you let her continue to work there to mitigate alimony implications.

3) Whether you R or D, 100% yes. It will break up the affair if you choose to reconcile and it's morally the RIGHT thing to do either way. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Do you want this guy to get one over on you? Why would you help him out by keeping you mouth shut? Blow his sh!t up...

4) Go on the web and print up the petition for divorce in your area. Fill them out. Sit down with the papers in hand. Explain to her what they are and you say, "This is your ONE and only chance. You tell me everything NOW or I will file divorce today." And make sure you are serious as a heart attack! Ask her some questions you already know the answer to and if she lies about ANYTHING, file. Period. 

Some other things you may not want to hear but need to. Consider the following "more than likely's": A) the affair is still going on, B) this is not the first guy she's cheated on you with, C) she checked out a long time ago and is not coming back D) you can NEVER trust her 100% again.

So you can choose to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, forever resentful. Or you can say to yourself. "I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS BVLLSH!T" and walk away with your head held high. Up to you, it's your life. Good luck.


----------



## notme81

OldWolf57 said:


> Notme, sorry you are here man.
> 
> Inspite of some of the replies, you're in the right place for help.
> 
> To start, you need to file now. Why? TT and lying still. So there is no real remorse, except for getting caught.
> Why only for getting caught? Because this wasn't an exit affair. She likes having a home and hubby, and a little on the side.
> 
> Now don't take the "no respect" for you comments wrongly, but in a sense, they are true. Doing this, and when confronted earlier, she never stopped.
> That alone says how she see you. AND always will if you continue with her.
> 
> Leave her job alone, but expose him to his wife, and her to family.
> 
> Dude, she was so comfortable, that she started txt'in with you laying beside her. My man, she going to always feel she got over on you if you take her back..


I don't take the "no respect" personal, she disrespected me and apparently doesnt respect me. I see that. I am unbelievably calm here and totally coherent. I made her call her family in front of me and tell her mother and father. Most of them were shocked, needless to say, but I think they were more surprised by how I am taking the situation. Honestly, I think it is making her nervous.

I agree. She is a liar and a cheat and is continuing to show her true colors with every passing moment.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
There is one crucial ingredient to R that must be present. Absent this R cannot work and will be a lesson in futility. BOTH parties must want to R more than jobs, finances, friends, more than anything else in life. If your wife wanted that she would be informing you that she wants to be rid of this OM, even if it means leaving her place of employment. She would also be open to COMPLETE transparency and would initiate it immediately. In other words, she would be moving heaven and earth to make things right.

From what I have read it's not like that and if that's true you are spinning your wheels trying to stay, especially if it's out of some misplaced sense of not repeating your parents life. Do not misunderstand, I applaud your moral decisions but you alone cannot create a solid marriage. There must be the cooperation of your spouse and absent that, your efforts are futile.

At this point, with no children involved, I would initiate D proceedings and see what reaction you receive. Anything short of monumental effort on her part and you have your answer. Also, consider your reasons for wanting to R, if you do desire to, and be sure they are germane to the relationship.

Sorry you are here and good fortune to you.


----------



## notme81

carolinadreams said:


> You're going to get trickle truth for a bit, maybe 1 out of 100 cheaters seems capable of immediately owning their failures and lies, the rest seem to have go through some process of understanding the truth is the only way forward.
> Completely agree and the fact that she seems to have trouble understanding this is even more of a red flag for me.
> 
> Disclosing to the OM's wife is good, she deserves the same truth you do, though don't be surprised if she reacts angrily. Any think that de-fantasizes the affair and it exposes it for idiotic, low behavior is typically good.
> I have to print off 252 pages x 3 or 4 of these phone bills for the past 6 months, and thats just the text messages.. I am trying everything I can to contact the OM's wife but am having some difficulty making contact. She has not responded to the facebook message I sent, the linkedin message I sent or the instagram message I sent. These are the only points of contact I can find for her. Phone number I found online rings once and then gives a busy tone.
> 
> Can you work it out? That's a big question - assuming your wife goes into individual counseling with a marriage friendly psychiatrist and does some hard work you might have a chance. From my own experience and from reading her cheating rarely happens in a vacuum, the cheating usually goes hand in hand with some other strong form of dysfunction, mental illness, trauma, or some negative facet in the cheater's life.
> Yes, and she's made me well aware that I am the cause of it and I "have fvcked her head up".


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> vellocet said:
> 
> 
> 
> Aye yi yi. I had already started writing responses to your words before the above paragraph.
> 
> Had to delete it once I read this. So you both cheated while dating, you both knew it.....and somehow you didn't think it would happen again?
> 
> Once a cheater always a cheater may not be correct in all cases, but IMO, its correct in a majority of cases. So much so that its not worth the risk to be with someone that has. *Yes, but as you pointed out below, you made a vow. Others make a vow and live by them*
> 
> 
> I am definitely of the mind that you either are a cheater or you are not. I have cheated. So, I would have consider myself a cheater. However, I have never broken my marital vows. *This is when you found your moral compass. Your W compass is still spinning around. I don't believe a cheater is always a cheater. You straightened up and flied right. Your W did not. * That is where I see the difference, personally. I swore an oath, in front my family, her family, our friends and god, to love, honor and protect. She must have been using that funny dictionary again when she looked up those words? *I think it is called Urban Dictionary.*
Click to expand...


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81


> I have to print off 252 pages x 3 or 4 of these phone bills for the past 6 months, and thats just the text messages.. I am trying everything I can to contact the OM's wife but am having some difficulty making contact. She has not responded to the facebook message I sent, the linkedin message I sent or the instagram message I sent. These are the only points of contact I can find for her. Phone number I found online rings once and then gives a busy tone.


Send the paperwork next day certified mail and needs to be signed by the OMW.


----------



## Yeswecan

OldWolf57 said:


> Look at it this way.
> You saw it happening a long way back, but she continued.
> You said something again months later, but she continued.
> You brought it up again and she layed beside you txt/in him later.
> Now she is busted, and if not for that, she would still be meeting him.


Something to think about.


----------



## toonaive

"Yes, and she's made me well aware that I am the cause of it and I "have fvcked her head up"."

Not very good news for a R im afraid. Set up consultations with attorneys.


----------



## thummper

If it were me, I'd report the supervisor's behavior to the company HR department. Carrying on an affair during business hours should be grounds for dismissal, and screwing a subordinate should be grounds for sexual harrassment. I'm always *very much *into the vengance aspect of an affair.


----------



## notme81

We've spent the last few hours discussing that I need a polygraph and to try to retrieve her phone messages before I can even consider moving forward. She also spoke with my father and he advised her that if she didn't love me anymore, its probably best to move on. When she told me he said that, I said, "That sounds fair, right?" And she said, "Yes." And I said, "You haven't loved me for 2 years, that's pretty obvious based on the recent chain of events." She said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And I said "It sounds like you're finally being honest about what you want to do at least."

So, we are moving forward with a divorce. Can this be done in a dignified manner? I really don't want many of the personal belongings and household items. I think we can come to an agreement on most of that stuff and from there, we sell the house and split the profits. Am I missing something here? I don't want her money or her alimony, hell I don't even want the clothes she has purchased for me or gifts. She gave me back the Tiffany's necklace she requested and I bought for valentine's day but I don't even want to return it and get the money back. I just don't even care. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.


----------



## Yeswecan

> *Can this be amenable?*


It can be but I suspect once WW see what has been lost it can turn ugly. I suggest you file first and have a good lawyer. CYA. 

Again, sorry you are here. I believe your decision is best. Please keep posting here and venting as you see fit. We are here for you!


----------



## vellocet

Unless she agrees to 50/50, be prepared to be the every other weekend father and pay her child support. Being a father who was betrayed sucks. You get betrayed and still get screwed.

It is what it is. So hopefully you can get her to agree to 50/50.


----------



## BetrayedDad

notme81 said:


> "I love you but I'm not in love with you."


Cheater speak for "I love that you were my security blanket but I don't love having sex with you and prefer others."

"have fvcked her head up" is also a classic blameshift move. Now she's blaming YOU for her actions? She takes no accountability. Again, remorseless. Just sorry she got caught and the parties over.

You made the right move to divorce and it didn't take 50 pages on this thread for you to realize it. You're in excellent shape considering the situation. Sorry this happened to you but realize you're not alone. Most of the people here have been through this exact situation. Trust me when I tell you someday you will look back and be grateful you dodged a bullet from this crazy chick.


----------



## notme81

Yeswecan said:


> It can be but I suspect once WW see what has been lost it can turn ugly. I suggest you file first and have a good lawyer. CYA.
> 
> Again, sorry you are here. I believe your decision is best. Please keep posting here and venting as you see fit. We are here for you!


Thank you. I really don't want to cover anything. I really want it all gone. I don't want a single reminder of how I have wasted half of my life here. 

I was supposed to be the fvcked up one. I was supposed to be the one who is uncivilized. I come from a broken home (have you seen that new movie Boyhood? That was basically my childhood), I am rough around the edges. But I made myself, no one else. I know who I am. I am smart, both book smart and street smart. I was in jail by the time I was 16, I fought, I did everything a kid seeking attention would do when his father goes to prison when you're 15 years old. I was a high school dropout who never took his SAT's and ended up with a bachelor's degree from a nationally accredited university. I don't know how to do anything else but persevere. It's what I'm wired to do.

I have read some of the other threads on this site. I am the god damn alpha. She fell for a fvcking beta and now she is dealing with the repercussions. I have no regrets for how I have led my life to this point and I move forward. I will rebuild. I have always rebuilt. I will survive and I will prosper. If we're just going out and upgrading, I'm pretty fvcking sure I can do better than she can and I think it's pretty obvious I can do better than her. 

Thanks for listening folks and thanks for letting me share.


----------



## carolinadreams

notme81 said:


> carolinadreams said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're going to get trickle truth for a bit, maybe 1 out of 100 cheaters seems capable of immediately owning their failures and lies, the rest seem to have go through some process of understanding the truth is the only way forward.
> Completely agree and the fact that she seems to have trouble understanding this is even more of a red flag for me.
> 
> Disclosing to the OM's wife is good, she deserves the same truth you do, though don't be surprised if she reacts angrily. Any think that de-fantasizes the affair and it exposes it for idiotic, low behavior is typically good.
> I have to print off 252 pages x 3 or 4 of these phone bills for the past 6 months, and thats just the text messages.. I am trying everything I can to contact the OM's wife but am having some difficulty making contact. She has not responded to the facebook message I sent, the linkedin message I sent or the instagram message I sent. These are the only points of contact I can find for her. Phone number I found online rings once and then gives a busy tone.
> 
> Can you work it out? That's a big question - assuming your wife goes into individual counseling with a marriage friendly psychiatrist and does some hard work you might have a chance. From my own experience and from reading her cheating rarely happens in a vacuum, the cheating usually goes hand in hand with some other strong form of dysfunction, mental illness, trauma, or some negative facet in the cheater's life.
> Yes, and she's made me well aware that I am the cause of it and I "have fvcked her head up".
> 
> 
> 
> Unless you have some sort of mental illness yourself, or are abusive, it's unlikely that you were a significant causative force of the infidelity. I don't know you nor am I a psychologist, I would suggest that's it's probably a good idea for you to get some counseling sooner or later as you are likely suffering from or will be in the near future at least some moderate depression.
> 
> Even cheaters like to view themselves as good people. In order to justify and rationalize the cheating, they frequently have to revise history and paint the betrayed spouse as a horrible person, something to think about before you start digging into your wife's correspondence with the other man is that you are likely to read some pretty cruel and harsh stuff about you and your marriage. This can do a number on your head for a bit, and will likely produce some anger - again go see a counselor sooner than later.
Click to expand...


----------



## notme81

vellocet said:


> Unless she agrees to 50/50, be prepared to be the every other weekend father and pay her child support. Being a father who was betrayed sucks. You get betrayed and still get screwed.
> 
> It is what it is. So hopefully you can get her to agree to 50/50.


No kids. 50/50 shouldn't be an issue.


----------



## vellocet

notme81 said:


> No kids. 50/50 shouldn't be an issue.


Ah ok, missed that. Then its easy. You both take your own belongings, unless one of you wants to be a real sh*t about any of it, if there is any equity in a house, you both are entitled to half of it, you are both responsible for 1/2 of any marital debt.

If you both have retirement accounts, you could both agree to not lay claim to it, but if one of you has much more, the other might want 1/2 of the difference between one and the other.

So if you both don't want to lay claim to each other's stuff, then you could hire an attorney to just facilitate the divorce for you for a small fee as long as there is a firm understanding between you both.


----------



## notme81

carolinadreams said:


> notme81 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Unless you have some sort of mental illness yourself, or are abusive, it's unlikely that you were a significant causative force of the infidelity. I don't know you nor am I a psychologist, I would suggest that's it's probably a good idea for you to get some counseling sooner or later as you are likely suffering from or will be in the near future at least some moderate depression.
> 
> Even cheaters like to view themselves as good people. In order to justify and rationalize the cheating, they frequently have to revise history and paint the betrayed spouse as a horrible person, something to think about before you start digging into your wife's correspondence with the other man is that you are likely to read some pretty cruel and harsh stuff about you and your marriage. This can do a number on your head for a bit, and will likely produce some anger - again go see a counselor sooner than later.
> 
> 
> 
> I know she's full of s#!t, she can say I fvcked her head up all she wants, but at worst, we fvcked each other's heads up. At best, this is her coping mechanism. Let her have it. Doesn't hurt me one way or the other. As I said in my original post, all I needed to hear were the words, "I don't want to be here anymore." Whether or not I can accept that, deep down inside, I am going to stand by my word and know that I am who I say I am. And no one and nothing can ever take that from me.
Click to expand...


----------



## jb02157

vellocet said:


> -How do you want to divide up the assets?
> 
> -Are we going to agree on custody?
> 
> -Which one of us will eventually leave the family home?
> 
> -Do you want me to file, or do you want to?


You definitely DON'T want to ask her these things. I know because I went through all of this last year and my lawyer says this SEVERELY weakens your case. The whole idea is NOT to agree to her terms. This is a ****ing war! Treat it like that. Get mad! She is messing with your life.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> Thank you. I really don't want to cover anything. I really want it all gone. I don't want a single reminder of how I have wasted half of my life here.
> 
> I was supposed to be the fvcked up one. I was supposed to be the one who is uncivilized. I come from a broken home (have you seen that new movie Boyhood? That was basically my childhood), I am rough around the edges. But I made myself, no one else. I know who I am. I am smart, both book smart and street smart. I was in jail by the time I was 16, I fought, I did everything a kid seeking attention would do when his father goes to prison when you're 15 years old. I was a high school dropout who never took his SAT's and ended up with a bachelor's degree from a nationally accredited university. I don't know how to do anything else but persevere. It's what I'm wired to do.
> 
> I have read some of the other threads on this site. I am the god damn alpha. She fell for a fvcking beta and now she is dealing with the repercussions. I have no regrets for how I have led my life to this point and I move forward. I will rebuild. I have always rebuilt. I will survive and I will prosper. If we're just going out and upgrading, I'm pretty fvcking sure I can do better than she can and I think it's pretty obvious I can do better than her.
> 
> Thanks for listening folks and thanks for letting me share.


notme, you got morals. Sure, you were a bit rough around the edges but you pulled it together and walked away from the rubble. To me, that speaks volumes. There are two things in life they can't take from you. Your good name and education. You will find that one person that respects you for you. I can assure you that.

I still urge a lawyer. When money gets involved(like retirement accounts) it can get ugly fast.


----------



## lordmayhem

notme81 said:


> No kids. 50/50 shouldn't be an issue.












You're more fortunate than other BH's, in that you found out who she really is before any kids are in the picture. 

Sorry that you got the typical *ILYBINILWY* speech. It's the *typical* speech of the one who is cheating. And I can see why you don't want anything from her, because they would all just trigger you in some way. Best to make a clean break. 

Continue your efforts to try to expose the OM to the OMW. It may seem that the OM may have anticipated any exposure even before banging your wife. I think it's a sign that he's an experienced cheater. 

You definitely got the TT from your STBXW, first it was a single kiss (which she hated) , then its just a dozen or less times. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The reality is that they have been having sex as much as possible whenever possible. That's how intense affair sex is. 

Follow the advice and file first if you can.


----------



## notme81

vellocet said:


> Ah ok, missed that. Then its easy. You both take your own belongings, unless one of you wants to be a real sh*t about any of it, if there is any equity in a house, you both are entitled to half of it, you are both responsible for 1/2 of any marital debt.
> 
> If you both have retirement accounts, you could both agree to not lay claim to it, but if one of you has much more, the other might want 1/2 of the difference between one and the other.
> 
> So if you both don't want to lay claim to each other's stuff, then you could hire an attorney to just facilitate the divorce for you for a small fee as long as there is a firm understanding between you both.



That's what I was hoping for. I think it will be pretty cut and dry.


----------



## carolinadreams

The I love you but I'm not in love with you speech, is a line item off a cheater's script. Some people never learn to separate those passive tingles and dopamine rush from a novel experience, with mature love, an adult's choice to wake up every day and invest in the relationship.

I got that speech from my wife, the day before she met the OM. I'm sure most people here will tell you they received a similar speech not long before a spouse's affair went physical.

It took my wife about two months, to start getting her head right. She had stopped all contact immediately, she was just so ashamed and was afraid that one more thing would be the one thing that was too much, and would have me kick her out that she trickled. In retrospect she is remorseful that her actions protracted the pain.

You can prepare to divorce but not proceed if that makes sense. If you see a possible future with this woman, under a specific set of conditions then articulate them and move forward with that. I will say that I'm 90% happy that I decided to give my wife a chance to reconcile, she's put in substantial work though. 

You ultimately have to decide what you want for yourself, and pretty much no one can tell you what that is. I will tell you though that a state of anger and pain is probably not the best state for making high quality decisions.


----------



## notme81

Yeswecan said:


> notme, you got morals. Sure, you were a bit rough around the edges but you pulled it together and walked away from the rubble. To me, that speaks volumes. There are two things in life they can't take from you. Your good name and education. You will find that one person that respects you for you. I can assure you that.
> 
> I still urge a lawyer. When money gets involved(like retirement accounts) it can get ugly fast.


Thanks Yeswecan. We've always maintain completely separate bank accounts and retirement accounts. We write two checks for every bill. It really shouldn't be as difficult as a lot of other divorces. I mean, I guess we've basically been preparing for this the whole time, when you really look at it, no?


----------



## notme81

lordmayhem said:


> You're more fortunate than other BH's, in that you found out who she really is before any kids are in the picture.
> 
> Sorry that you got the typical *ILYBINILWY* speech. It's the *typical* speech of the one who is cheating. And I can see why you don't want anything from her, because they would all just trigger you in some way. Best to make a clean break.
> 
> Continue your efforts to try to expose the OM to the OMW. It may seem that the OM may have anticipated any exposure even before banging your wife. I think it's a sign that he's an experienced cheater.
> 
> You definitely got the TT from your STBXW, first it was a single kiss (which she hated) , then its just a dozen or less times. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The reality is that they have been having sex as much as possible whenever possible. That's how intense affair sex is.
> 
> Follow the advice and file first if you can.


Unfortunately, I know this. That is why I never accepted, and still don't, the bits I was able to extract from her to this point.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> Thanks Yeswecan. We've always maintain completely separate bank accounts and retirement accounts. We write two checks for every bill. It really shouldn't be as difficult as a lot of other divorces. I mean, I guess we've basically been preparing for this the whole time, when you really look at it, no?


It would appear that way. Clean break as it were. For me, I would be nothing but calm from here on out. Quietly file and separate. Keep it civil. Question is, will STBXW cooperate and for how long?

My feeling is she will look to stay with you. She will work towards it.


----------



## notme81

carolinadreams said:


> The I love you but I'm not in love with you speech, is a line item off a cheater's script. Some people never learn to separate those passive tingles and dopamine rush from a novel experience, with mature love, an adult's choice to wake up every day and invest in the relationship.
> 
> I got that speech from my wife, the day before she met the OM. I'm sure most people here will tell you they received a similar speech not long before a spouse's affair went physical.
> 
> It took my wife about two months, to start getting her head right. She had stopped all contact immediately, she was just so ashamed and was afraid that one more thing would be the one thing that was too much, and would have me kick her out that she trickled. In retrospect she is remorseful that her actions protracted the pain.
> 
> You can prepare to divorce but not proceed if that makes sense. If you see a possible future with this woman, under a specific set of conditions then articulate them and move forward with that. I will say that I'm 90% happy that I decided to give my wife a chance to reconcile, she's put in substantial work though.
> 
> You ultimately have to decide what you want for yourself, and pretty much no one can tell you what that is. I will tell you though that a state of anger and pain is probably not the best state for making high quality decisions.


No more anger. No more pain. Just realization. I feel like my eyes have been opened. As if I have discovered my third eye.

Ultimately, it boiled down to me not believing she was willing to try and me having to convince her she wasn't willing as well. Maybe that's because I am also unwilling? I honestly felt like she wanted to say it but she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I told her not to worry about my feelings, she is the one who has to live with herself.

She continued to have sort of a Freudian slip when I asked about polygraphs and recovering data from her phone by saying, "What is the truth going to do for you?" 

First of all, I thought I already knew the truth? Secondly, the truth will tell me whether or not you have been truthful to this point. And lastly, I will finally know the truth. And until then, I have no way to know how to move forward.


----------



## wmn1

1) This is not your fault so don't accept responsibility.
2) Your WW is morally depraved. She kept you around while cheating on you, one week ?? Holy fvck. She is the loser in the relationship. Thank God you don't have kids. 
3) Fight for the possessions, don't give away free stuff to her. Sell stuff on ebay. I am not saying don't be amicable. Do this so it doesn't turn into a nasty fight.
4) be prepared for the nasty fight. Lawyer up immediately and file first and be aggressive
5) I am sorry your life seemed like a lie. I never understood who does in marriage what she just did. 
6) After you cut your losses, find someone new but do it ethically and never be the OM


----------



## notme81

Yeswecan said:


> It would appear that way. Clean break as it were. For me, I would be nothing but calm from here on out. Quietly file and separate. Keep it civil. Question is, will STBXW cooperate and for how long?
> 
> My feeling is she will look to stay with you. She will work towards it.


She doesn't want to. She thinks she does and she likes the idea of having me in her life because we are all we know, we have been together since I was 17 and she was 16. But that's no reason to drag each other through the mud and make each other miserable. I realize that now.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> She doesn't want to. She thinks she does and she likes the idea of having me in her life because we are all we know, we have been together since I was 17 and she was 16. But that's no reason to drag each other through the mud and make each other miserable. I realize that now.


Today she is basically cornered and will lash out. Once she has time to think about it what she destroyed ...her responses to R will change. Just my gut feeling on it. You sir, stay the course.


----------



## MattMatt

notme81 said:


> I will definitely get checked out.
> 
> sexual harassment might be a stretch and it might not be something she is willing to do?
> 
> It is a large, international tech company. Pretty big.
> 
> Why are you recommending I see my doctor, and for what kind of "temporary help"?
> 
> What is the lie detector for? Are you being serious? Please don't take that the wrong way, just trying to figure out why you're recommending this? Because it's probably bigger than she's letting on? How do I go about that, and what kinds of questions do I have asked there?


A lie detector test has the effect of making a wayward spouse realise how seriously you are taking their transgression. Some people have what they call "car park confessions" when they come clean in the car park outside the test centre before the rest.

You aren't sleeping or eating? Your doctor can provide something to help you get through this initial period.


----------



## KingwoodKev

Your story just bummed out my day. I was hoping you two could find a way. At least she answered the question I said you had to have answered in order to see if you can stay together or not.


----------



## vellocet

MattMatt said:


> You will need to instigate a sexual harrissment case against him. Supervisor forcing himself on subordinate? That's bad.


Regardless of the truth, she COULD file suit.

But where did OP say she was forced?

Sorry, gotta call it ...:bsflag: She knew what she was doing. She wasn't coerced. And even though she'd have a case for a suit based on our ridiculous laws(meaning even if its consensual she could file suit), she'd look real f'in stupid for doing so. Talk about being treated like she was a leper at the office after that.


----------



## Suspecting2014

notme81 said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> It would appear that way. Clean break as it were. For me, I would be nothing but calm from here on out. Quietly file and separate. Keep it civil. Question is, will STBXW cooperate and for how long?
> 
> My feeling is she will look to stay with you. She will work towards it.
> 
> 
> 
> She doesn't want to. She thinks she does and she likes the idea of having me in her life because we are all we know, we have been together since I was 17 and she was 16. But that's no reason to drag each other through the mud and make each other miserable. I realize that now.
Click to expand...

IMO she would change her mind once reality hits her: OM staying with his wife, D,etc.

While she is in the fog D will be easyer so do it ASAP.

Move on and dont look back.

Good luck


----------



## convert

even if you divorce you should still tell OM's wife.


----------



## Suspecting2014

convert said:


> even if you divorce you should still tell OM's wife.


Totally agree!

Expose to OMW is a must


----------



## Hicks

Is anyone reading what OP is writing?


----------



## convert

Hicks said:


> Is anyone reading what OP is writing?


yes he tried to contact the OM's wife with no luck yet but I had the feeling he might just say F it since they are divorcing.

just don't want him to give up on the contact


----------



## notme81

vellocet said:


> Regardless of the truth, she COULD file suit.
> 
> But where did OP say she was forced?
> 
> Sorry, gotta call it ...:bsflag: She knew what she was doing. She wasn't coerced. And even though she'd have a case for a suit based on our ridiculous laws(meaning even if its consensual she could file suit), she'd look real f'in stupid for doing so. Talk about being treated like she was a leper at the office after that.


Agreed. On all counts.


----------



## notme81

convert said:


> yes he tried to contact the OM's wife with no luck yet but I had the feeling he might just say F it since they are divorcing.
> 
> just don't want him to give up on the contact


My wife told him yesterday the jig was up. He emailed her at her work address today and told my wife that he told his wife everything and that she had packed his stuff up and was moving to his parent's house. He's in his 40's. Total winner. But I had tried to call their house a few times and it would ring once and then go busy. I just tried to call about 30 minutes ago and got their family voicemail message, announcing their names and their kids. I left a message and said my name and that I was married to one of her husbands coworkers and had some information I thought she might be interested in. Let me number and said please call me. I will call again later and try to call all evening until I can get him or her on the phone. Then if that doesn't work, it's a trip to kinkos to get 4 copies made of the 232 pages worth of bills showing the frequency of the calls. I will deliver to anyone who I can find. Hell, might even make one extra for the neighbors.


----------



## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> My wife told him yesterday the jig was up. He emailed her at her work address today and told my wife that he told his wife everything and that she had packed his stuff up and was moving to his parent's house. He's in his 40's. Total winner. But I had tried to call their house a few times and it would ring once and then go busy. I just tried to call about 30 minutes ago and got their family voicemail message, announcing their names and their kids. I left a message and said my name and that I was married to one of her husbands coworkers and had some information I thought she might be interested in. Let me number and said please call me. I will call again later and try to call all evening until I can get him or her on the phone. Then if that doesn't work, it's a trip to kinkos to get 4 copies made of the 232 pages worth of bills showing the frequency of the calls. I will deliver to anyone who I can find. Hell, might even make one extra for the neighbors.


I call BS on OM telling his W. OM would attempt to cover up and not fess up. He is going to cover his a$$. Keep calling!


----------



## notme81

Yeswecan said:


> I call BS on OM telling his W. OM would attempt to cover up and not fess up. Keep calling!


Agreed.


----------



## notme81

Yeswecan said:


> I call BS on OM telling his W. OM would attempt to cover up and not fess up. Keep calling!


Just asked for the final time to let me have the phone to retrieve deleted data. She declined. I said I would like to fast track this entire situation.


----------



## tom67

Yeswecan said:


> I call BS on OM telling his W. OM would attempt to cover up and not fess up. Keep calling!


If you know the address I suggest going there.


----------



## Yeswecan

tom67 said:


> If you know the address I suggest going there.


No, don't. No need. You have started the nuclear fission. Let it do it's thing. No need to see the blowhard.


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## KingwoodKev

To be honest, your wife doesn't really understand what love is. True love. If she thinks true love means the same feeling as new love all the time then she's in for a very sad life. True love far surpasses new love, romantic love, or infatuation love. Some people get addicted to new love. They think that's true love. It isn't. At some point, if she's intelligent, this realization will occur to her and she'll realize she really did have true love for you. It's sad to see you break up before this realization.


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## tom67

KingwoodKev said:


> To be honest, your wife doesn't really understand what love is. True love. If she thinks true love means the same feeling as new love all the time then she's in for a very sad life. True love far surpasses new love, romantic love, or infatuation love. Some people get addicted to new love. They think that's true love. It isn't. At some point, if she's intelligent, this realization will occur to her and she'll realize she really did have true love for you. It's sad to see you break up before this realization.


:iagree:
Chasing the butterflies so to speak.


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## Yeswecan

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> Chasing the butterflies so to speak.


And unicorns, milk and honey....


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## BetrayedDad

notme81 said:


> Just asked for the final time to let me have the phone to retrieve deleted data. She declined.


You should snatch that phone from her purse or while she's sleeping first chance you get. Hell, right out of her hands if your quick enough. Do the data dump and hand it back to her. She lost her right to privacy when she started spreading her legs.


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## notme81

BetrayedDad said:


> You should snatch that phone from her purse or while she's sleeping first chance you get. Hell, right out of her hands if your quick enough. Do the data dump and hand it back to her. She lost her right to privacy when she started spreading her legs.


She sleeps with it, would be pretty difficult.


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## notme81

KingwoodKev said:


> To be honest, your wife doesn't really understand what love is. True love. If she thinks true love means the same feeling as new love all the time then she's in for a very sad life. True love far surpasses new love, romantic love, or infatuation love. Some people get addicted to new love. They think that's true love. It isn't. At some point, if she's intelligent, this realization will occur to her and she'll realize she really did have true love for you. It's sad to see you break up before this realization.


Sadly, your true love is what I have been experiencing for the past 6-7 months (what an idiot i am, huh) and she recognized it. But she was already gone.


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## KingwoodKev

notme81 said:


> Sadly, your true love is what I have been experiencing for the past 6-7 months (what an idiot i am, huh) and she recognized it. But she was already gone.


She may be looking for new love thinking that's what's missing in her life. She'll realize that's like new car smell. It never lasts. Ever. She could have built something even better with you. True love is _way _more rewarding than new love. Call me an eternal optimist but I really hope that maybe your wife will wise up before the papers are all signed and it's over. She's probably getting terrible advice from people who aren't qualified to give advice.


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## Yeswecan

notme81 said:


> She sleeps with it, would be pretty difficult.


You have enough evidence. Not sure why to bother.


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## ButtPunch

What state do you live in? An at fault state the data could be useful otherwise you have enough evidence.


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## Nucking Futs

Stop trying to contact OMW. Stop trying to get more info from STBX. Get with a lawyer, get an agreement that both of you can live with, and get her signature on it. _Then_ hire a PI to deliver a message to OMW. Just a note that says that you caught your wife having an affair with her husband and are divorcing her and your number if she wants to talk about it.

Get that agreement signed before you do anything else. You don't need the evidence for divorce, you don't need to provide evidence to OMW. You have a moral obligation to let her know but no obligation to prove it. All you're going to accomplish by trying to get the messages from her phone is to piss her off, and if you piss her off she can drag this out for _years_.

Kick her ass to the curb, notify OMW, and move on with your life as quickly, cheaply and easily as possible.


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## Dogbert

Don't be naive. You trusted her to be a faithful wife and you were betrayed, so what makes you think she won't try to stab you in the back when it comes to divorce?

Make sure you hire a good divorce attorney with a successful record of representing men and not simply a glorified paralegal who charges an arm and a leg because of his fancy title on his office wall.

What's that old saying *"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"*


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## vellocet

Dogbert said:


> Don't be naive. You trusted her to be a faithful wife and you were betrayed, so what makes you think she won't try to stab you in the back when it comes to divorce?[/B]


The part that makes a divorce difficult is kids.

They have no kids. So not much to really fight about. He even said they keep separate bank accounts.

So its 50/50 marital assets city. She can try, but 50% is 50%


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## Dogbert

vellocet said:


> The part that makes a divorce difficult is kids.
> 
> They have no kids. So not much to really fight about. He even said they keep separate bank accounts.
> 
> So its 50/50 marital assets city. She can try, but 50% is 50%


It's better to be prepared for war than to be blindsided by it.


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## Yeswecan

Dogbert said:


> It's better to be prepared for war than to be blindsided by it.


Luck favors the prepared.


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## KingwoodKev

notme81 said:


> Sadly, your true love is what I have been experiencing for the past 6-7 months (what an idiot i am, huh) and she recognized it. But she was already gone.


A serious question. Who is giving her advice these days? Who are her confidantes? Divorced friends? They're toxic. You're here talking to us. Where does she go?


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## Dyokemm

"I call BS on OM telling his W. OM would attempt to cover up and not fess up. He is going to cover his a$$. Keep calling!"

I agree.

I have yet to read of a POSOM in a situation like this who wasn't a total coward at heart with absolutely zero ability to face up to the consequences of his choices like an adult.


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## LongWalk

Why didn't you have children, may I ask?


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## vellocet

Dogbert said:


> It's better to be prepared for war than to be blindsided by it.


That's what a good attorney is for.


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## Dogbert

vellocet said:


> That's what a good attorney is for.


Just like a good woman, a good D attorney won't fall from the sky and on to his lap. He has to do the work to find one.


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## lordmayhem

*Re: Re: my wife cheated... now what?*



KingwoodKev said:


> To be honest, your wife doesn't really understand what love is. True love. If she thinks true love means the same feeling as new love all the time then she's in for a very sad life. True love far surpasses new love, romantic love, or infatuation love. Some people get addicted to new love. They think that's true love. It isn't. At some point, if she's intelligent, this realization will occur to her and she'll realize she really did have true love for you. It's sad to see you break up before this realization.


He is going to end up being "the one that got away" to her.


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## convert

be careful about grabbing the phone out of her hand. This can be construed as Domestic violence, I have seen less


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## warlock07

convert said:


> be careful about grabbing the phone out of her hand. This can be construed as Domestic violence, I have seen less


he will truly have his answer


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## warlock07

notme81 said:


> We've spent the last few hours discussing that I need a polygraph and to try to retrieve her phone messages before I can even consider moving forward. She also spoke with my father and he advised her that if she didn't love me anymore, its probably best to move on. When she told me he said that, I said, "That sounds fair, right?" And she said, "Yes." And I said, "You haven't loved me for 2 years, that's pretty obvious based on the recent chain of events." She said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And I said "It sounds like you're finally being honest about what you want to do at least."
> 
> So, we are moving forward with a divorce. Can this be done in a dignified manner? I really don't want many of the personal belongings and household items. I think we can come to an agreement on most of that stuff and from there, we sell the house and split the profits. Am I missing something here? I don't want her money or her alimony, hell I don't even want the clothes she has purchased for me or gifts. She gave me back the Tiffany's necklace she requested and I bought for valentine's day but I don't even want to return it and get the money back. I just don't even care. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.


her lover told her that he is planning to leave his wife. use the adultery and threat to her job to get a fair settlement


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## warlock07

notme81 said:


> She continued to have sort of a Freudian slip when I asked about polygraphs and recovering data from her phone by saying, "What is the truth going to do for you?"



Wow!!


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## TRy

notme81 said:


> So, we are moving forward with a divorce. Can this be done in a dignified manner? I really don't want many of the personal belongings and household items. I think we can come to an agreement on most of that stuff and from there, we sell the house and split the profits. Am I missing something here? I don't want her money or her alimony, hell I don't even want the clothes she has purchased for me or gifts. She gave me back the Tiffany's necklace she requested and I bought for valentine's day but I don't even want to return it and get the money back. I just don't even care.


 This is a mistake. You may not care now, but you should. While it is common that the cheater will almost always try to get the best deal that they can in the divorce, the person that was cheated on usually tries to be more than fair. This is because while the cheater already has separated emotionally from their spouse, and are experienced it being selfish and looking out only for themselves, the person that was cheated on is still has not fully emotionally separated and is not comfortable selfishly looking out for their own self interest. This imbalance rewards the cheater financially in the divorce, which is not right, and is taking from what you can offer the next person that will be in your life.

I am not recommending being spiteful. I am recommending that you ask for what the law permits you. If you are entitled to alimony, get it, as the cheater would demand it from you if they could. Their is a formula that will not delay the divorce, that both your lawyer and your wife's lawyer will know. Use that. Get what the law states is fair. No more and no less. You did not cheat, she did, so getting what the law states, is more than fair. You will need this money to rebuild your life. She stole many years from you already. Do not let her steal more. Remember, that you want to have the most that you can offer to offer the next person that you will share your life with. A "Tiffany's necklace" might look nice on her.


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## Dogbert

She may have had a momentary acknowledgement of what she did was betrayal, but don't be surprised that now she will begin to justify it and start blaming you.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez

In my opinion this affair is one of the worst. Drunken one night stands is one thing but she has been lying to you over a year. She never came clean until you had proof. She never freely confessed from guilt. She would've let this continue forever. To have someone who you share your bed with lie that long for is hard to swallow. I think because her compulsive lying that it's too hard to trust her.


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## snerg

If it hasn't been noted (I looked but I did not see)

Talk to your lawyer about involving the company she works for as a reason for divorce (i.e. the affair).

Her getting railed by the boss will be bad for the company, especially since it was for so long and he is married.

No company be it 5 people or 5,000 people wants that kind of bad PR

Also - don't be nice. Take her money. Take her alimony.
How nice was she to have an affair and nuke your marriage from orbit? How nice was she in potentially exposing you to STD's? How nice was she in making you out to be a fool for having a long affair?

Time for being nice is over.


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## happyman64

NotMe

You did not "F" up her head she did.

Just the fact that you have to lead her now shows you that she is not sorry or remorseful.

She is gone.

Her bad decisions are hers to own.

Very sad for you when you have known her for so long.

I have to say that I would go out of my way to teach her a little lesson about respect.

1. Go see a lawyer, get solid advice and file if that is what you want.

2. Contact the OMW no matter how hard she is to find. Be kind. She might not be so receptive but she does deserve to know. 

3. Nice guys finish last. remember that. Stop being nice and get a divorce that favors you. She will remember that sting.

4. Last but not least I would give her and the Om one last shot. I would report their trysts during the workday and business trips to their management after the divorce.

That would be my parting shot. A shot they will both feel.

But only do it if it suits you and does not hurt you financially.

Just the fact she is TT'ing you and the affair was so long should show you that she is the one that is truly F'd up.

HM


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## Nawlins

NotMe
I agree with happyman64 and others who have said get the best divorce terms for you. Please do not try to be fair, but be nice. Why not get alimony, wasn’t she using your shared money for hotels? You’ve been true to your vows and you deserve the better ending. The only caveat I have is to hold off on telling anyone until the divorce is final. Then you can go nuclear if you wish; I would especially considering how she is treating you now regarding the truth of the affair.


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## farsidejunky

When you cut sling load, you don't stop to consider how to best cut it to recover the item; you just do it. It is dead weight at that time.

Cut sling load. Walk away with 50/50 and your head held high. Alimony will link you to her longer, which is the last thing I would want.


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## tom67

Nawlins said:


> NotMe
> I agree with happyman64 and others who have said get the best divorce terms for you. Please do not try to be fair, but be nice. Why not get alimony, wasn’t she using your shared money for hotels? You’ve been true to your vows and you deserve the better ending. The only caveat I have is to hold off on telling anyone until the divorce is final. Then you can go nuclear if you wish; I would especially considering how she is treating you now regarding the truth of the affair.


Eh keep the shysters to a minimum 50/50 unless she gets greedy lol.


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## Sports Fan

To answer your questions

Fixing this will be very hard but doable on the proviso that she quit her job, and cease all contact with the other man.

Secondly she is to give you all passwords to Facebook, email, phone etc, and account for her whereabouts at all times.

If she flinches and resisits any of this you must definately send her packing out the door.

And for what its worth experience will tell you that a cheater will only confess to the bare minimum when caught.

Chances are she met up with him dozens if not hundreds of times for sex.

And last but not least expose to other mans wife. He ruined your homelife, so time to ruin his. Besides his wife has a right to know. Than sit back and watch as he tries desperately to throw your wife under the bus in an attempt to save his marriage


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## GusPolinski

This has got to be one of the fastest moving threads that I've seen in a while. From anger and despair to a quiet, calm resolve for divorce... and all within 26 posts by OP, 9 pages of replies, and 24 hours. Well... TAM hours, anyway.

Separate finances, no kids, etc. Should be quick and clean.

OP, how is your relationship w/ your father these days? It sounds like he wasn't there for you early in life (went to prison?) but that he's got your back now. That's good to hear.

Anyway, I was prepared to offer more, but it sounds like everything has been wrapped up pretty neatly here. Additionally, the blame-shifting and ILYBINILWY speech are pretty much the icing on the cake.

And the cherry on top.


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## Mr Blunt

Notme81
You have made your decision to D. Spending time trying to find out more of her cheating actions and details maybe a waste of time and not good for you. She has admitted to betraying you and does not want to give it 100% to R so that is all you need to cement your decision t D.

Focus on you getting better and force the thoughts of having anything to do with her out of your mind. I know the emotional pull to be occupied with her life will be hard to break but it will only slow you down or stop you from getting better. Make sure that you secure your retirement fund because that will matter a whole lot in 10-15 year from now. If you do it right your wife will be irrelevant in a few years; 3-5 years ma

You are young and have not even lived half your life so this betrayal will hurt like hell for several months but will in no way ruin your life. In fact you can be a lot better in 3-5 years. Hell you can even be better next year. Use this pain for you to get better in every which way that you can. One of the best things about a situation like yours is that you can use it to your benefit.

Your wife’s chances of having a fulfilled life with her cheater OM are slim to none. Your job is too work on you so that your have a better life and to forget her like you did your Jr. High girlfriend.

*Use all your energy and motivation to concentrate and take actions to improve you. I know that you are not the reason your wife decided to betray but you are the only one that can get YOU better*.


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## PhillyGuy13

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. 

Let me add to the chorus. No kids? Move on. Too many lies, too much trickle truth. Forget the polygraph. Divorce her. Meet with a lawyer to see if it's worth suing her company. He was her manager, and is still in a supervisory position with the company. Big no no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs

I know how traumatic this must be for you, especially being together so long but multiply that by 100 when children are involved. 

No kids, run like the wind and don't look back. 

There is still plenty of time to find a faithful woman to spend the rest of your life with.


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## toonaive

warlock07 said:


> Wow!!


This is what I was saying before. The whole truth, is much worse that what the OP currently knows. WW is still trickling this out, because its not in her best interest for the OP to know all of it. 

If he did, he would really know what his WW has been up to, and how poor a choice in a wife he made. Thankfully no children are involved.


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## Yeswecan

How are you doing today, notme81?


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## tom67

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You've gotten a lot of good advice here.
> 
> Let me add to the chorus. No kids? Move on. Too many lies, too much trickle truth. Forget the polygraph. Divorce her. Meet with a lawyer to see if it's worth suing her company. He was her manager, and is still in a supervisory position with the company. Big no no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After the d is final have at it.


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## LongWalk

I don't think your wife is an especially good candidate for R. Definitely inform OM's wife. Call her at her work place if you have to.

Since you have no children, you can simply leave. Stop communicating with her altogether except for sending her the D papers.

Being apart from her will give you the strength to end this unhealthy relationship. If she chases you and begs for a chance, tell her to write up a detailed time line of the affair and give you all the messages in her phone. If she refuses, then you know she is not remorseful.

Read Shamwow's thread for a model of how to go dark.


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## G.J.

LongWalk said:


> I don't think your wife is an especially good candidate for R. Definitely inform OM's wife. Call her at her work place if you have to.
> 
> Since you have no children, you can simply leave. Stop communicating with her altogether except for sending her the D papers.
> 
> Being apart from her will give you the strength to end this unhealthy relationship. If she chases you and begs for a chance, tell her to write up a detailed time line of the affair and give you all the messages in her phone. If she refuses, then you know she is not remorseful.
> 
> Read Shamwow's thread for a model of how to go dark.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hardtohandle

I give it 3 solid weeks before she looks to express reconciling this..


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## bandit.45

I agree with the others. Go dark and stay dark. Talk to her only regarding the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes

If its any consolation, betrayed spouses tend to upgrade with their next significant other.

Cheaters, on the other hand, tend to downgrade.

Best wishes as the next chapter of your life unfolds....


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## LongWalk

Shamwow upgraded. His WW downgraded. Eventually, she saw that he was greatest love/guy in her life. But she refused to admit her cheating was wrong. Proud.


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## happyman64

LongWalk said:


> Shamwow upgraded. His WW downgraded. Eventually, she saw that he was greatest love/guy in her life. But she refused to admit her cheating was wrong. Proud.


Was she proud? Yes.

Was she stupid? For sure.

Was she crazy? Totally.



Who could ever forget Sham or his Ex....
.


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## KingwoodKev

ThreeStrikes said:


> If its any consolation, betrayed spouses tend to upgrade with their next significant other.
> 
> Cheaters, on the other hand, tend to downgrade.
> 
> Best wishes as the next chapter of your life unfolds....


Of course it's a downgrade because you're with a person that would have sex with a married person. That's a low class, low moral character type of person. They can never be trusted in any way.


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## ricky15100

No kids, why put yourself through this, run now while you still have the chance.


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## Forest

Whatever you do, keep a clear head. Remember what these two have done. They've cheated on their spouses, and put their families and futures in great risk of harm. They didn't give a shlt or a thought to morality, family, fairness, or consideration for spouse and vows.

SO, what they think, say, feel, etc about your actions counts for nothing. YOU are the one making the decisions, because they are incapable.

Tell anyone you want. Tell the wife, get this guy fired, put him up on Cheaterville.com, (you may not know of that place) Have your attorney write him a nice letter mentioning, "alienation of affection, loss of consortium, and intentional infliction of severe emotional distress". See how he enjoys the fruits of his labors.


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## tom67

Forest said:


> Whatever you do, keep a clear head. Remember what these two have done. They've cheated on their spouses, and put their families and futures in great risk of harm. They didn't give a shlt or a thought to morality, family, fairness, or consideration for spouse and vows.
> 
> SO, what they think, say, feel, etc about your actions counts for nothing. YOU are the one making the decisions, because they are incapable.
> 
> Tell anyone you want. Tell the wife, get this guy fired, put him up on Cheaterville.com, (you may not know of that place) Have your attorney write him a nice letter mentioning, "alienation of affection, loss of consortium, and intentional infliction of severe emotional distress". See how he enjoys the fruits of his labors.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
This is what you do so this POS doesn't break up another family.
At least without consequences that is.
His wife has to know so she can get herself tested for STDs.


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## NosborCrop

Hope you are okay


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