# The time it takes to heal from infidelity



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Like many of you here I've read and studied the subject of infidelity. I never thought I would have reason to but life taught me a lesson in infidelity first hand. With what I know now I feel like I could be a counselor myself.

My DDay was this past May which would make it about 8 months. Before DDay we were in MC off and on for a few months. I feel really good right now. I've been in a relationship for the last 3 months and it's going really well. 

I've been able to reflect on how far along I am on my path to healing by seeing how far along my new gf is. She was cheated on too. It's been 3 years for her. She still has anxiety over being cheated on. I have those worries to but not to the extent that she experiences them.

My family thinks I shouldn't be dating right now but I disagree. I feel total indifference to my ex. I'm overall happy. After DDay I did some IC and support groups but stopped because the support groups were depressing me further. After seeing people who were worse off than me I vowed to live the rest of my life happy. I wrote my goodbye letter and I posted here for help. I chose not to let her have any control over my happiness.

That brings me to my question. I keep reading and hearing that it takes years to heal from an affair. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me? I don't have triggers. I've been to restaurants that we've been to before and I'm still able to enjoy the food. I've been to weddings and I don't feel down. I see my ex when I drop off the kids and all I feel is sorry for her. I don't miss her. The only time I feel down about the situation is when I think about my 2 kids going back and forth between two homes. The marriage seems like a distant memory to me.

TLDR; I feel that I'm over the affair. Is it to soon to feel this?


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Everyone is different. Everyone reacts differently to being betrayed.

You've moved on with someone else, so your experience will be different from those that stayed with their WS.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

To remarry is hope winning out over experience...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tryingpatience

My d-day was January 20th 2014. I have triggers, pain, anxious, and many other issues. I was devastated by my WW infidelity. I would feel pain with either divorce or reconciliation but I wonder about the others if I divorced. Would I have triggers, depression, and be anxious. So far we are doing R. I understand people are different, heal differently but I still wonder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> To remarry is hope winning out over experience...


:iagree:

For BS s, lightning seldom strikes once.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that you are doing better.

It is good that you are happy now.

Some of us get stuck in limbo for a few years. Be grateful that you are in a better place.

Good for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You seem like one of the healthier ones here. There is something very right with you not wrong.

You have made very healthy choices and refused to live in pain.

I never advocate for any choice that will extend or increase pain. Many here make choices that I would consider unhealthy and they live tortured for years. The only person that deserves any pain for some time is the ws and their ap.

I am not an advocate for D or R but for health first for the betrayed and then for the wayward.

You sound like a damn good example honestly.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> I've been in a relationship for the last 3 months and it's going really well.
> 
> I don't have triggers. I've been to restaurants that we've been to before and I'm still able to enjoy the food. I've been to weddings and I don't feel down. I see my ex when I drop off the kids and all I feel is sorry for her. I don't miss her. The only time I feel down about the situation is when I think about my 2 kids going back and forth between two homes. The marriage seems like a distant memory to me.
> 
> TLDR;


As much it angers some, the truth of the matter is nothing helps you get over a woman like another woman. (your an example my man) The time it takes? With the right one 12-48 hours


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I need to ask and don' t mean to offend but had you somewhat disconnected from your ex before your dday? I think BSs have an easier time moving on without a lot of pain when they agree the marriage had no future or they had lost the emotional committment to their WS. Not saying this was your case...if not you have done a remarkable job of moving on which has been helped immensely by finding new love. But not all circumstances are the same for all BSs. There is a huge range of reactions based on almost an infinite number of circumstance. Glad to know you are where you are.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Everyone heals at their own rate. The situations are so different that no one can say for sure. Things that can matter to are the depth and depravity of the cheating (EA, PA, Both, Serial, etc) and the amount of love felt between the two parties, not to mention the things said, done, and discovered in the aftermath. Some people are very easy going by nature and able to accept and move on easily, and others require closure (that may never come). These are all reasons that it varies from person to person. Even though you are doing great now, it is possible that in the future you could relapse as well. Sciences of the psyche and mind are not exacting in that they apply the same to everyone out there in the same manner with the same outcome. That makes it hard to say how and when someone will heal from an event.

Glad you are doing better.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Tryingpatience
> 
> My d-day was January 20th 2014.


 That was a Monday, mine was the following day, at 3:02 ish pm. It was snowing.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> I need to ask and don' t mean to offend but had you somewhat disconnected from your ex before your dday? I think BSs have an easier time moving on without a lot of pain when they agree the marriage had no future or they had lost the emotional committment to their WS. Not saying this was your case...if not you have done a remarkable job of moving on which has been helped immensely by finding new love. But not all circumstances are the same for all BSs. There is a huge range of reactions based on almost an infinite number of circumstance. Glad to know you are where you are.


There was some disconnect happening before DDay. Her infidelity had been going on for a very long time and for a year we did MC. Deep down I knew something was wrong but had faith in her that she was being honest about trying to save our marriage. During that year as hard as it was I tried to do things for myself. I did this based on what I learned on sites like this one. I did experience a lot of pain being in limbo. Learning about the cheating actual made everything make sense in my mind. It actual helped me let go a little bit.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I read your original posts. I am very glad that you chose to live in happiness and walked away from a very bad marriage. So many betrayed spouses stay in marriages for the sake of their children and are so unhappy for so long. This unhappiness translates to unhappy and adversarial parenting. My sister lived in this world for a while and became a very bitter and pessimistic individual. I don't think she recovered.

Walking in the sunshine definitely takes the healing faster. Successful people write their own ending. Stay well!


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Tryingpatience
> 
> My d-day was January 20th 2014. I have triggers, pain, anxious, and many other issues. I was devastated by my WW infidelity. I would feel pain with either divorce or reconciliation but I wonder about the others if I divorced. Would I have triggers, depression, and be anxious. So far we are doing R. I understand people are different, heal differently but I still wonder.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


13+ years since dday for me. Still with my WW, and still sometimes have triggers and bad days. Most days are good though.

So that's where I'm coming from.

I think that unless you have a compelling reason to stay in your M after your partner cheats, it would be best to get out and move on. Over the years I've spoken to hundreds of other BS's and what I witnessed was that as a GENERAL rule those BS's that divorce and move on heal much quicker. They get their life back, save their sense of dignity, and eventually find someone wonderful.

If you stay do so not because you are afraid of divorcing. Afraid of being alone forever. Things like that. 

*Stay because you judge that your WS has real remorse and is doing the work that will make them a somewhat safe bet that they won't cheat again. Remember there is really no completely safe bet, anyone new that you find after you divorce could just as easily cheat on you as your WS did. But I feel that a WS that truly gets it, and works, and does the work on themselves to fix the thing that was broken in them - is a slightly better bet than someone that has never cheated and may have weaker defenses in place.*

Stay because you want to remain with your children and be a big part of their lives. For men this is a big deal because we are more likely to loose custody - and a step-dad is statistically a risk to your children's safety.

Stay because of finances. You've worked hard for what you have, why should you reward your WS for cheating on you? She broke the vows, why should she end up with the house, the kids, most of your savings, and a monthly stipend paid by you?

Stay because of your spiritual beliefs. Some faiths do not allow for divorce under any circumstances. If that's important to you, then no one should fault you for staying.

A million other reasons you could have for staying. People and relationships are complicated, and no one knows you and your situation better than you do, so advice you get from an IC or MC or a forum such as this should be taken with a grain of salt.

If you stay be sure that the paragraph above that is in bold text is true, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more pain. Beyond that, whatever reason you have to stay are yours, and no one should rightly dispute them.

You will heal though, even in less than perfect circumstances. The biggest step for me was accepting that the LTA happened, and there was nothing I could do about it. It happened and it will be a fact about your life no matter if you stay or go.

Triggers will lessen, and those that remain you will get better at dealing with. Life will get better and in time you will be yourself again.

For me, it also helped to develop a plan B. My WW seems a somewhat safe bet, but I will never count 100% on another person again. So I have a plan in place that I know I will follow if WW acts out again. WW knows this, but does not know the plan. Having this plan gives me a sense of security beyond what I would have if I just bet everything on WW not cheating again. Having a plan B isn't for everyone, but give it some thought.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

nightmare01 said:


> Everyone is different. Everyone reacts differently to being betrayed.
> 
> You've moved on with someone else, so your experience will be different from those that stayed with their WS.


Exactly. For me, the only way to get over it was to move on, without the WW.

If I had stayed, I know I wouldn't not have gotten over it, and it would have been that way as long as I stayed with her.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> That brings me to my question. I keep reading and hearing that it takes years to heal from an affair. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me? I don't have triggers. I've been to restaurants that we've been to before and I'm still able to enjoy the food. I've been to weddings and I don't feel down. I see my ex when I drop off the kids and all I feel is sorry for her. I don't miss her. The only time I feel down about the situation is when I think about my 2 kids going back and forth between two homes. The marriage seems like a distant memory to me.
> 
> TLDR; I feel that I'm over the affair. Is it to soon to feel this?


Trying, 

It sounds like you were in a fairly healthy place, mentally, when the affair hit. You had some self-esteem and realized that what your STBX did was about them and not about you, etc. 

I think part of the reason it takes some people longer (like years) is because they had an unhealthy dynamic in the first place. So they spend at least PART of their healing time just learning to have their own self-worth and learning to be assertive and learning to be an individual not co-dependent. 

If you already had most of that figured out, then I would say you just started off "ahead of the curve." Now we only have your word to go on, but it sounds to me like you healed on your timeframe. Period.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

We were basically living as roommates and disconnected on DDAY. I was angry about the kids and being lied to for so long but over my husband in a minute. 

I still get angry at how much of my time he wasted and me always asking what was wrong. I was totally blindsided. Let. The next fool have him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My DD was March 5, 2011(separation request by XW)

Separation Date was May 21, 2011.

XW's Filing for D Date was Nov. 9, 2011.

Discovery of XW's PA's was June, 2012.

Divorce granted on Sept. 23, 2013.

Triggers ~ Continuously, even unto this day!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I can only speak for me but almost 4 years out and still healing. I have been forever changed by my x wives infidelity and I suspect I will never be like I once was


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I can add that divorce seems to speed the healing process. I am 4 years out. Divorced this year (a couple months ago). And its mostly better now. Would it have gone away without divorce.....probably not. Not in my situation at least. Because I knew in my heart that my ex-wife did not love me. She proved that to me time and time again.

Yes I am changed forever. But honestly in a lot of better ways. I was certainly not perfect. I was a dirt bag in my own way. But now I have a second shot at life. And I'm grateful that I was just in my mid 30s when it all went down.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

it-guy said:


> I can add that divorce seems to speed the healing process.


Absolutely. Once I was pronounced divorced, I celebrated and what she did to me no longer mattered because she no longer mattered.

Now that was with regards to the healing process of forgetting what she did to me. Well not so much forgetting as much as I no longer had to think about it because I don't have to be with her. And if it does pop into my head, the visions no longer hurt. They are actually comical.

But healing after losing the ability to see my kids every day, that was another story, but I adjusted.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> Like many of you here I've read and studied the subject of infidelity. I never thought I would have reason to but life taught me a lesson in infidelity first hand. With what I know now I feel like I could be a counselor myself.
> 
> My DDay was this past May which would make it about 8 months. Before DDay we were in MC off and on for a few months. I feel really good right now. I've been in a relationship for the last 3 months and it's going really well.
> 
> ...


******************************************************

Of course you dont trigger...YOU do not live together or tried to R.

There are BHs on here that have been in R with their WWS and still have triggers and struggle after 20 YEARS...not months YEARS..Why?

Be glad you moved on and bettered your life...i applaud you..


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Of course you dont trigger...YOU do not live together or tried to R.


This is not solely the reasons that people trigger. People trigger because they see or experience something that causes them to relieve an even that caused them great pain. Even those that separate and D upon discovery, still can trigger. It is an emotional response and not tied solely to trying to R or living together, it is the history and emotional connection that causes it (and all people will react differently, some will trigger and some won't even if R and living together are there or not).


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Tryingpatience,

I've reviewed your files, and talked with you primary care physician. I'm of the opinion that you are in sufficient recovery to get down and boogie-oogie-oogie.

Obviously, you may be a little gunshy, and not want to get real serious, but still....No matter how despondent you may get at one particular woman, there are so many others the catch the eye.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

vellocet said:


> But healing after losing the ability to see my kids every day, that was another story, but I adjusted.


This is where I'm still healing. But I'm getting use to it. I had to let go and accept my reality to get past it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> This is where I'm still healing. But I'm getting use to it. I had to let go and accept my reality to get past it.


Yup, it is what it is. And its a salt in an already open wound that the cheating mother gets custody if she wants it and the betrayed father just has to put up with it.

Yes, I know, 50/50 is allowed. But if the skank wants custody and child support, she'll get it unless you have something on her of a criminal or abusive nature.

We as every other weekend fathers simply have to adjust. 

Now, not that I don't want my kids at every chance, but the upside is that she wanted to be the custodial parent and get CS, so she needs to assume the role she wanted.

She'd complain that she never gets a break, that I should take them any time she wants a break, yadda yadda yadda.

I told her that she wanted to be the custodial parent, she got it. Told her to assume the role or give custody to me.

She said that wasn't going to happen. Then I said, "then shut up about it and quit b!tching"

Ok, t/j done. Just wanted to respond to your comment about healing in regards to the kids.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Yup, it is what it is. And its a salt in an already open wound that the cheating mother gets custody if she wants it and the betrayed father just has to put up with it.
> 
> Yes, I know, 50/50 is allowed. But if the skank wants custody and child support, she'll get it unless you have something on her of a criminal or abusive nature.
> 
> ...


Yes, it sucks for us. I had this discussion in another thread how the courts are pro-mom, and anti-male for the most part and was told it was hogwash. Guess they aren't living the life we are.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> This is not solely the reasons that people trigger. People trigger because they see or experience something that causes them to relieve an even that caused them great pain. Even those that separate and D upon discovery, still can trigger. It is an emotional response and not tied solely to trying to R or living together, it is the history and emotional connection that causes it (and all people will react differently, some will trigger and some won't even if R and living together are there or not).


Hey Squeakr...I somewhat agree ...However..I chose to D...as many BHs do..i knew i COULD not R..no need to try..but as I have stated there are BHs here..that have been in R for YEARS not months YEARS..and still trigger ...have self esteem issues..and ed issues Why..because they look at their WW daily...

Not matter what a WW does to help one heal...and follows the WS script to a tee.....understand this they can NEVER unfu#k the OM ever...I could never get over this ...as many BHs here cannot move past this.....Funny i never trigger now ..never..

She does not exist to me now..


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Hey Squeakr...I somewhat agree ...However..I chose to D...as many BHs do..i knew i COULD not R..no need to try..but as I have stated there are BHs here..that have been in R for YEARS not months YEARS..and still trigger ...have self esteem issues..and ed issues Why..because they look at their WW daily...
> 
> Not matter what a WW does to help one heal...and follows the WS script to a tee.....understand this they can NEVER unfu#k the OM ever...I could never get over this ...as many BHs here cannot move past this.....Funny i never trigger now ..never..
> 
> She does not exist to me now..


That's fine and I see your point. I am glad that you have been able to move on and don't trigger at all. I am just saying there are people on here that D from the moment of discovery and yet years later are still triggering. For whatever reason they do, as the healing process takes forever. You are correct in the finally statement. I am in the process of D, would be done if the state allowed it sooner, but I don't see her at all, yet things still trigger me as she was with someone I thought was a friend (don't see that person either) but it seems like a double betrayal. Some triggers just can't be avoided, as we can't control them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There is no set time. It can be within months, or it could take years, some never do recover.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> That's fine and I see your point. I am glad that you have been able to move on and don't trigger at all. I am just saying there are people on here that D from the moment of discovery and yet years later are still triggering. For whatever reason they do, as the healing process takes forever. You are correct in the finally statement. I am in the process of D, would be done if the state allowed it sooner, but I don't see her at all, yet things still trigger me as she was with someone I thought was a friend (don't see that person either) but it seems like a double betrayal. Some triggers just can't be avoided, as we can't control them.


Hey...I understand you loud and clear ......I get the double betrayal....i hope this is over for you soon...and you get some peace...badkarma


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