# Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.

They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.

I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2. She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.
I ultimately said cut the extracurricular bs with him or I'm done. Don't get me wrong. I want them to be good co parents for their kids and communicating about them. But all the chummy stuff when he still wants her back is annoying af. I feel like you have to have boundaries with an ex...especially one that wants you back. So let me know. Am I wrong or do I have a point?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why did they divorce?


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Honestly, if you do trust her you do need to get over it. I don't know how long they were together for, and besides the fact they have kids together, they do have history together. It actually is a good thing that they can remain friends after whatever happened to break them up. You have to remember, at one point they were best friends who shared everything, they understand each other. Unless there are some real red flags like finding out she was with him and didn't tell you about it or something like that, I'd just leave it alone. All you're going to do by pushing the issue is push her away from you and straight to him. Keep your guard up, your radar scanning, but leave it alone for now.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Why did they divorce?


He cheated on her


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nope, you did the right thing. 

She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.

I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

There's all sorts of contact and conversation that are acceptable, and even healthy and preferable between exes when kids are involved. Having your ex over to hide out at her place because he had a fight with his gf isn't one of them. Nor is having him spend the night. Sexual commentary and telling her that if she dumps you they can get back together are certainly out.

She definitely has some boundary issues here.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

There are women who have ex's who are douches and they know it. Keep looking.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Why do you trust her? You shouldn't.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope, you did the right thing.
> 
> She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.
> 
> I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?


Thank you for your feedback. She definitely acts like I'm overly sensitive/jealous/insecure what have you. For a minute I was questioning if I am too rigid because internet opinions on this site and another have been split about 60-40 in my favor and I didn't even think it would be that close. I was cheated on by my first wife so boundaries are a must in any future relationship I have. It just doesn't register for her.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Why do you trust her? You shouldn't.


I fully trust her because she has been open and honest about everything with me when she didn't have to. For instance, she tells me if guys hit on her. Always tells me if her ex shows up unannounced etc. She has given me no reason not to trust. Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. I told her I'm not asking you to cut him off just the unnecessary non kid things. She takes that as me trying to tell her how to live her life.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> There's all sorts of contact and conversation that are acceptable, and even healthy and preferable between exes when kids are involved. Having your ex over to hide out at her place because he had a fight with his gf isn't one of them. Nor is having him spend the night. Sexual commentary and telling her that if she dumps you they can get back together are certainly out.
> 
> She definitely has some boundary issues here.


Thank you. She doesn't and won't see it no matter how many times I raise the question. Basically that I should trust her and she can do whatever she wants as long as she isn't flirting with him etc. I'm sorry, but as a guy, if my ex whom I wanted to get back with was asking me for favors I would take that as a sign that I may have a chance to weasel my way back in.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

theexpendable said:


> Thank you. She doesn't and won't see it no matter how many times I raise the question. Basically that I should trust her and she can do whatever she wants as long as she isn't flirting with him etc. I'm sorry, but as a guy, if my ex whom I wanted to get back with was asking me for favors I would take that as a sign that I may have a chance to weasel my way back in.


She's right. She can do whatever she wants. You just don't have to put up with it. 

The right approach, IMO, is to tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to move on and then go find a new GF.

You could try to get her to stop. But she'll just resent you for it, and it will cause issues later. More likely that she'll temporarily obey, and as the resentment builds, look for ways to get away with it later. 

That's just my 2 cents though.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OP, how old are you, and what are you looking for in a relationship?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> He cheated on her


She hasn't let go, she will not be able to fully reach for the next relationship until she does...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Thank you for your feedback. She definitely acts like I'm overly sensitive/jealous/insecure what have you. For a minute I was questioning if I am too rigid because internet opinions on this site and another have been split about 60-40 in my favor and I didn't even think it would be that close. I was cheated on by my first wife so boundaries are a must in any future relationship I have. It just doesn't register for her.


You're welcome!

FWIW my hb had terrible boundaries with his ex wife and I put up with it for much longer then I should have.

I got the same thing.....that he didn't want her back, and I believe him. I don't think she wanted him back either, but I did think she got off on the ego boost of poor boundaries. She would frequently make comments aimed at letting me know she had already been there and was more important.

My hb would give me crap about how he was just a nice guy and didn't want to argue.

Eventually a blew a gasket and it pretty much stopped.....and I think he'd already lost relationships over his crappy boundaries.

If I had it to do over again I never would have put up with it. You saved yourself a lot of headache...she isn't ready to fully seperate herself from him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
> During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. *About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again*. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.
> 
> They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.
> ...


No matter how long ago this happened, I would tell his girlfriend. why let her waste her time?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You did _exactly_ the right thing.

Seriously, all I had to read was "girlfriend" and "lack of boundaries" in the thread title, and I was already thinking, "Dump her."


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> She's right. She can do whatever she wants. You just don't have to put up with it.
> 
> The right approach, IMO, is to tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to move on and then go find a new GF.
> 
> ...





lifeistooshort said:


> You're welcome!
> 
> FWIW my hb had terrible boundaries with his ex wife and I put up with it for much longer then I should have.
> 
> ...


I agree with both of the above posts. Your GF likes the attention, hence the poor boundaries. This is also why she tells you when men hit on her--and she is likely encouraging them.

Your reasons for wanting stronger boundaries are perfectly reasonable, and if she wants to have a relationship with you that is healthy, she needs to respect your needs, and one of the things you needs is for her to have stronger boundaries with her XH, so you can feel secure in the relationship. They have a history that you and she don't share, and so their continued closeness is a) inappropriate, and b) a threat to YOUR relationship... they haven't completely detached from one another. But she is refusing to see this from your POV or consider how you feel, and that's a big problem. In fact, I think that's a BIGGER problem than her lack of boundaries. 

Now, as Kivlor says, she has the freedom to live her life any way that she chooses... and she can do so without you, because you don't have to put up with it and were right to walk away. If she wants a life with YOU, she needs to think about you and what you need, too. And I don't see that happening. And she has to do it of her own choice. You can't make her do anything. And if she's not willing to listen to your POV on this, she's not ready to establish boundaries of her own volition, either.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> OP, how old are you, and what are you looking for in a relationship?


I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with both of the above posts. Your GF likes the attention, hence the poor boundaries. This is also why she tells you when men hit on her--and she is likely encouraging them.
> 
> Your reasons for wanting stronger boundaries are perfectly reasonable, and if she wants to have a relationship with you that is healthy, she needs to respect your needs, and one of the things you needs is for her to have stronger boundaries with her XH, so you can feel secure in the relationship. They have a history that you and she don't share, and so their continued closeness is a) inappropriate, and b) a threat to YOUR relationship... they haven't completely detached from one another. But she is refusing to see this from your POV or consider how you feel, and that's a big problem. In fact, I think that's a BIGGER problem than her lack of boundaries.
> 
> Now, as Kivlor says, she has the freedom to live her life any way that she chooses... and she can do so without you, because you don't have to put up with it and were right to walk away. If she wants a life with YOU, she needs to think about you and what you need, too. And I don't see that happening. And she has to do it of her own choice. You can't make her do anything. And if she's not willing to listen to your POV on this, she's not ready to establish boundaries of her own volition, either.


You know what...I've never really even thought about it that way. I've always just taken her words at face value that she's just the type of person who can't be mean/strict with people. She probably does like the attention smh. I agree, she doesn't take my NEEDS into account. She claims she tries to see it from my pov but not much progress has been made in these 2 years. It was really bad that first year and after much complaining she finally limited it. The fact that it rears it's ugly head every month or so has been too much as of late.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. .


That is my Oldest Daughter. It was quite the triumph when she finally dumped the bulk of her high school friends. The sad thing is that she has adopted a new group of dysfunctional friends to care for.



theexpendable said:


> I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be


 Well you are an ex so by definition . . . .


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

theexpendable said:


> I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.


So, are you looking to have kids or not? If so, you need to re-prioritize your life at 35.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

You already broke up with her. It's obvious from your post that you believe her to have no boundaries and that the relationship with the ex is troubling.

Why does it matter if a bunch of internet strangers agree with you based on the handful of paragraphs you posted abouther?

It's over, right?

For what it's worth I would have kicked her to the curb the first time something like her exhusband staying over came up.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> So, are you looking to have kids or not? If so, you need to re-prioritize your life at 35.


I have a 6 year old with first wife. Not sure about having anymore. Just got a big promotion at work so now I just need to find that person to share my life with. I know at this age there will be baggage and most likely kids on both sides so a blended family is to be expected. I just want someone who is willing to put in the work and make sacrifices for one another. Too many people in this day and age are 'shoe shopping' always trying to upgrade partners. Yes I know I have my baggage and issues just like anyone else. One of the reasons I posted was to find out if she was right and all this boundary stuff was just in my head. If I got a majority of people siding with her I would take a deep look at myself and try to fix it or speak to a counselor.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

stixx said:


> You already broke up with her. It's obvious from your post that you believe her to have no boundaries and that the relationship with the ex is troubling.
> 
> Why does it matter if a bunch of internet strangers agree with you based on the handful of paragraphs you posted abouther?
> 
> ...


Because I wanted to see if it's me like she claims. They say it's the people who don't think they're crazy are the ones you have to watch out for. I was wondering if I was one of those people lol. As I stated above...if majority didn't agree with my boundaries I would take a long hard look at myself and most likely speak to a therapist to sort it out.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Dude she let her EX HUSBAND who she knows STILL HAS FEELINGS for her to SLEEP OVER her house.

You don't need internet strangers like me to tell you that you're not crazy for having a big issue with this.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

stixx said:


> Dude she let her EX HUSBAND who she knows STILL HAS FEELINGS for her to SLEEP OVER her house.
> 
> You don't need internet strangers like me to tell you that you're not crazy for having a big issue with this.


No, it didn't happen. She asked my opinion before telling him "no" to just come in the morning. It just caught me off guard that she even considered it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Because I wanted to see if it's me like she claims. They say it's the people who don't think they're crazy are the ones you have to watch out for. I was wondering if I was one of those people lol. As I stated above...if majority didn't agree with my boundaries I would take a long hard look at myself and most likely speak to a therapist to sort it out.


Questioning one's sanity occasionally is actually a sign of sanity. If you NEVER question your sanity, then you might be in trouble. So if you're wondering if you are one of those people... it is safe to say that you are NOT. :smthumbup:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

X wife's and husbands should only be consulted on kid matters. Talking about personal stuff and sex stuff or staying on the couch is huge boundrys issues. She is gaslighting you telling you that you're the problem with this. Most sane adults would have a huge problem with this


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You did the right thing by dumping her, she did not respect you at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
> During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.
> 
> They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.
> ...


So he is married and still doing this with your ex? Yeah that would be too much for me. She is a girlfriend so you were evaluating after evaluation you decided she wasn't the one. You are allowed to have that feeling for whatever reason it is. She could have had it too if she felt that way. That is what dating is for. You are not jealous or insecure, you have boundaries with it comes to ex's obviously you guys didn't feel the same about that. That is all.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Questioning one's sanity occasionally is actually a sign of sanity. If you NEVER question your sanity, then you might be in trouble. So if you're wondering if you are one of those people... it is safe to say that you are NOT. :smthumbup:


Very true. This is just the first time in my 35 years I have seriously questioned it. It was a bit scary thinking I was one of 'those' people ha.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Get this...she just text me apologizing saying she knows she's fvcked up and she's sorry. She realizes her ex is cancer and she put me through a lot...that I deserved better. She said she didn't see it as so bad or just excused it. So I don't even really know how to respond to this text ugh. Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. It's greatly appreciated you take time out of your day to help folks like me with a reality check.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> I fully trust her because she has been open and honest about everything with me when she didn't have to. For instance, she tells me if guys hit on her. Always tells me if her ex shows up unannounced etc. She has given me no reason not to trust. Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. I told her I'm not asking you to cut him off just the unnecessary non kid things. She takes that as me trying to tell her how to live her life.


So it's not about trust it's about what is appropriate. Doesn't seem very appropriate even if you are sure she would never cheat you are allowed to think that. I think many people would.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.


How refreshing this is. Good for you.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.

To continue in a committed relationship w you, she'd have to be willing to put you first and stop engaging in any behavior w her ex that makes you uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. Communication with the X should be limited to logistics for the shared children only. Anything more than that is continuing a relationship with an ex lover. How would she feel if you were engaging in jokey texts and chatting up your ex lovers?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> Get this...she just text me apologizing saying she knows she's fvcked up and she's sorry. She realizes her ex is cancer and she put me through a lot...that I deserved better. She said she didn't see it as so bad or just excused it. So I don't even really know how to respond to this text ugh. Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. It's greatly appreciated you take time out of your day to help folks like me with a reality check.


How long have you been broken up? Is this a recurring pastern (she is sorry, changes for a little and then back to square one?) Maybe she sees the light. I agree with @FeministInPink though, her dismissal of you and putting you down to control the situation is just as big if not a bigger problem.

Ex-lover thing above is spot on too.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.
> 
> To continue in a committed relationship w you, she'd have to be willing to put you first and stop engaging in any behavior w her ex that makes you uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. Communication with the X should be limited to logistics for the shared children only. Anything more than that is continuing a relationship with an ex lover. How would she feel if you were engaging in jokey texts and chatting up your ex lovers?


Spot on. I had no clue how difficult it would be trying to date with kids and exes all in the mix. It's a freaking cluster unless your one of the lucky few who finds a diamond in the rough. Exactly how I see it with communication. She however, feels like it's better for the kids if they are bff's as they are smh. I told her good luck finding a good guy that will put up with that crap along with her other issues.


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

theexpendable said:


> No, it didn't happen. She asked my opinion before telling him "no" to just come in the morning. It just caught me off guard that she even considered it.


Well she may have serious boundary issues with her ex but she was willing to cooperate with you and not cross those lines based on it not being acceptable to you. 

That makes a big difference.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> How long have you been broken up? Is this a recurring pastern (she is sorry, changes for a little and then back to square one?) Maybe she sees the light. I agree with @FeministInPink though, her dismissal of you and putting you down to control the situation is just as big if not a bigger problem.
> 
> Ex-lover thing above is spot on too.


Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.


Seems worth talking about. If it good besides this but dismissal would be one of the things I would talk about.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

theexpendable said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> > You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.
> ...


She might quickly realize this. I think a lot of people don't understand boundaries period. It's not about trying to control others- it's about being honest about what you're willing to live with, and since a marriage is always evolving, new issues come up and new boundaries may need to be set. It's important to be with someone who understands that and doesn't pull the "controlling" card. It's very controlling to force your partner to put up with something that deeply upsets them.

You sound like you're in the right place for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. I have no doubt you'll find one.


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

theexpendable said:


> Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.


So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?

Because if so there's better ways of handling this. Such as telling her straight away what your dealbreakers are and sticking to your guns going forward rather than sulking when she doesn't do things the way you want her to. Even though apparently she does do things your way.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> She might quickly realize this. I think a lot of people don't understand boundaries period. It's not about trying to control others- it's about being honest about what you're willing to live with, and since a marriage is always evolving, new issues come up and new boundaries may need to be set. *It's important to be with someone who understands that and doesn't pull the "controlling" card. It's very controlling to force your partner to put up with something that deeply upsets them.*
> 
> You sound like you're in the right place for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. I have no doubt you'll find one.


You hit the nail on the head about 'controlling'...her favorite card


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Adiron said:


> So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?
> 
> Because if so there's better ways of handling this. Such as telling her straight away what your dealbreakers are and sticking to your guns going forward rather than sulking when she doesn't do things the way you want her to. Even though apparently she does do things your way.


No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

theexpendable said:


> Adiron said:
> 
> 
> > So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?
> ...


Give her time to think. If she comes to you asking to work it out, I'd have her read Marriage Builders books/online articles on appropriate boundaries in blended families. She truly may not understand how important this is. I'd also suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs on the importance of "interdependence" in marriage (if you are willing to work it out and see the relationship heading that direction in the future). It is very difficult to have a committed relationship w a partner who insists on their independence at the expense of the other's feelings, which is what she's doing. Many issues will continue to come up with parenting herkids together if she doesn't get this right.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> Give her time to think. If she comes to you asking to work it out, I'd have her read Marriage Builders books/online articles on appropriate boundaries in blended families. She truly may not understand how important this is. I'd also suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs on the importance of "interdependence" in marriage (if you are willing to work it out and see the relationship heading that direction in the future). It is very difficult to have a committed relationship w a partner who insists on their independence at the expense of the other's feelings, which is what she's doing. Many issues will continue to come up with parenting herkids together if she doesn't get this right.


You give great level-headed advice that really hits home for me. Almost like you do this for a living. Much appreciated


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

theexpendable said:


> No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.


That works.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> You know what...I've never really even thought about it that way. I've always just taken her words at face value that she's just the type of person who can't be mean/strict with people. She probably does like the attention smh. I agree, she doesn't take my NEEDS into account. She claims she tries to see it from my pov but not much progress has been made in these 2 years. It was really bad that first year and after much complaining she finally limited it. The fact that it rears it's ugly head every month or so has been too much as of late.


If I claim to love, respect and care for my SO, I should not do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. I'd expect the same attitude from him regarding my needs. 
You're not asking for anything extraordinary and your concerns are PRETTY NORMAL. You've tried to be more tolerant and understanding way too much. Cut it and give her an ultimatum. Clearly, she's not respecting your concern and not caring about it that much. She only sees her need for attention and that's very selfish and not promising for a stable, marriage-material woman.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am on extremely good terms with my XH. We do joke over text sometimes and just tell each other dumb stories no one else would care about. We did not have a hatred filled breakup. We both sincerely care about each other, and our shared children. I love that we can coparent so easily. 

My XH does want me back, and he tried constantly before I married my current husband. My then fiancé finally put his foot down, asked my XH to stop what he was doing, and to please respect our relationship. XH immediately stopped, and has never said anything again about being in love with me, though I know he tells our kids and others that he is.


Here is the key...if the interaction bothers YOU, out of respect for you she should dial it back to a level you are comfortable with. She needs to respect you, and you need to respect her. Your situation sounds to me like you both could adjust things a little, and meet in the middle on it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's no reason that communication between ex's can't be cordial and friendly, that's fine. My husband and his ex wife are amicable and we all get along well for the sake of SD. But ALL of their communication is related to SD. They don't carpool, they don't discuss their relationships, they don't joke about sex etc. nothing.

It's so beyond inappropriate what your ex gf is doing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

theexpendable said:


> I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes.* I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be* or if there are real red flags here.


If she's making your concerns out to be crazy, she is invalidating the concerns. If she thinks you are out of line, she should tell you in a way that doesn't shame you or manipulate you.



theexpendable said:


> I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. *She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2*.


That's still pretty frequent.



theexpendable said:


> She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.


Your significant other is supposed to have your back. You should feel better around her. Your communication with her should bring you comfort and peace. When you are with her, you should feel joy. Why on earth would it be a good idea to stay with someone when you feel like a jealous, insecure pos around her? She is obviously not bringing the best out in you. You are feeling bad about yourself when you are with her. She is not taking into account your valid concerns, but it turning it back on you and saying that if you trust her you should let her do whatever she wants without telling her your concerns. That is illogical.

Logically, if you trust her it is because she has earned your trust and she takes into account your concerns and feelings. If she disagrees with you she does it without malice and with love and care for you and the relationship. That is how a healthy relationship is support to work when both parties have the other's best interests at heart even when they disagree.

If you are looking for a wife, you ought to be looking for someone who values your opinions and if she disagrees with you she does so in a way that doesn't shame you. She honors you and is uplifting to be around. Someone who when you see her your face turns into a smile. If that is not how this relationship is working for you - it's not working for you.

I'm wondering why you are still communicating with her if you broke up. Just block her number and move forward with your life. It's over. The end. It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore as she is not a part of your life.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> I am on extremely good terms with my XH. We do joke over text sometimes and just tell each other dumb stories no one else would care about. We did not have a hatred filled breakup. We both sincerely care about each other, and our shared children. I love that we can coparent so easily.
> 
> My XH does want me back, and he tried constantly before I married my current husband. My then fiancé finally put his foot down, asked my XH to stop what he was doing, and to please respect our relationship. XH immediately stopped, and has never said anything again about being in love with me, though I know he tells our kids and others that he is.
> 
> ...


And that's the thing, I could possibly handle some of her interactions with him much better IF he had moved on and was over her. Instead he pines for her and uses any opportunity he can to be around her. So since she knows he still has a thing for her why give him false hope and be overly friendly which could easily be misinterpreted? Out of curiosity, does your current husband know you and your ex still joke and whatnot over text? Also, does he suspect that the ex still hasn't gotten over you?


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> If she's making your concerns out to be crazy, she is invalidating the concerns. If she thinks you are out of line, she should tell you in a way that doesn't shame you or manipulate you.
> 
> 
> That's still pretty frequent.
> ...


Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope, you did the right thing.
> 
> She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.
> 
> I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?


This x 1000

I think you did the right thing, OP. And I think she encourages his behavior, because she likes the attention.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.


Going no contact is really the best advice, though.  Going no contact isn't about punishing her, it's about allowing yourself to heal away from the drama and white noise that break ups usually bring.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

theexpendable said:


> Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.


You are not being a jerk if you stop talking to her. Trying to maintain a relationship with someone you broke up isn't really healthy unless your children are involved. Cut the ties and move on. Let her move on as well. You aren't together anymore.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> And that's the thing, I could possibly handle some of her interactions with him much better IF he had moved on and was over her. Instead he pines for her and uses any opportunity he can to be around her. So since she knows he still has a thing for her why give him false hope and be overly friendly which could easily be misinterpreted? Out of curiosity, does your current husband know you and your ex still joke and whatnot over text? Also, does he suspect that the ex still hasn't gotten over you?


My hubby knows everything. Generally when XH and I are joking around my husband is right next to me. I share the things he would find funny. He also knows my XH is in love with me still. He feels sorry for him, and hopes he can someday move on. My XH has never even touched another woman besides me. My current hubby knows I am madly in love with him, and feels zero threat from my XH as in NONE. He understands how many years I stayed in that marriage miserably (for my kids) and that I would never, ever go back to him. Your situation is very different because you are NOT comfortable with it, and she needs to respect that. Plus, like you said, you are willing to tolerate a normal amount of contact, which is really all that is needed to successfully co-parent.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can.


She's implying that you're a "bad person" for having boundaries. I suspect she's a "good person" to every swinging d*** that pays attention to her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. HOWEVER, you should not trust her either, I know whereof I speak... my XH was like exactly like this with his first wife, a*nd he ended up divorcing me to remarry her.* This kind of relationship between ex's should NOT be tolerated in a relationship. It shows no respect for your relationship and you were right to end it.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. HOWEVER, you should not trust her either, I know whereof I speak... my XH was like exactly like this with his first wife, a*nd he ended up divorcing me to remarry her.* This kind of relationship between ex's should NOT be tolerated in a relationship. It shows no respect for your relationship and you were right to end it.


Yep. It didn't computer with her that it was disrespecting the relationship. In her eyes it was perfectly acceptable. Sorry about what you went through...that has to be tough.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> I fully trust her because she has been open and honest about everything with me when she didn't have to. For instance, she tells me if guys hit on her. Always tells me if her ex shows up unannounced etc. She has given me no reason not to trust. *Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. *I told her I'm not asking you to cut him off just the unnecessary non kid things. She takes that as me trying to tell her how to live her life.


You should point out to her that her behavior is unfair to her ex because it could lead him on and give him false hope. and that is hurtful as well.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.


 If more people had the backbone to take such a stand prior to getting married and having children with their partners, there would be much fewer people posting in the infidelity section of this site.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex.


 Her choosing to "be chummy with her ex" even though she knew that it "was a deal breaker" for you, confirms that you were right in ending your relationship with her.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Tergis said:


> Aren't they always both?


Yep. Stating the obvious. In my case I don't have many "hang out" friends so it really affects my social circle outside of just losing a gf.


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## Jake2917 (Apr 6, 2017)

Question is. What a normal amount of contact with ex. ? We know once you love someone you always will have feelings for them. They're is history with them. Really good times and really bad times. I feel maybe because of my own screw up emotions. You must have very little contact with the ex. I don't want your old life to intermix with your new life with me, anymore then it has to. I don't want my SO playing happy family with there ex. I don't want my SO to get anything emotional from ex. All emotional good should come from me.


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