# First post ever because I'm so sad and unhappy



## deadinside

Oh, thank God for the anonymity of the internet!

It makes me feel safe to put my business out there without it coming back to me.. have to put on that happy face!

My husband and I have been married for a long time (more than 14 years) and have kids. The longer we're together the worse things get.

Problem? He's emotionally distant. He doesn't think he is, but trust me.. I feel it.

We never fight. Ever. Bad things happen and we just swallow it and pretend everything is fine. He hates conflict and arguing and flat out won't do it.

I feel suffocated, like I have to live this pretend life and can't have honest emotion. If I cry, I'm weak. If I get angry, I'm childish. It all makes him shut down.

Bad on me, and I know it.. I had an emotional affair last year. No physical stuff, but it was someone who showed an interest in me and how I felt, and I craved that so badly I went with it. My husband found out, and his response?

NOTHING. Just "I'm on your side, and things will be fine tomorrow". 

That sounds like such a dumb problem, doesn't it? But it's so hard to cope with. I feel like I have to do more and more just to get an honest emotional response out of him and nothing works.

That zero response really bothered me, so I brought it up again. He saiid he was mad (but in my opinon hid it well ) and likes to pretend it didn't happen so we can be happy again.

Well, I'm not. I feel so.. dead. Emotionally lost. Like he's a stranger to me. And he DOES NOT get it.

I know I'm not perfect and have many issues of my own to work out, but his attitude is that he's being strong and supportive and when I get over the craziness, things will be fine.

They won't.

I just don't know what to to.


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## Amplexor

Your husband’s reaction is not unusual. Many men tend to be non communicative and non combative with their wives. In his case the problem is compounded by his emotional distance from you. His reaction to the EA shows he avoids conflict and is uneasy in being proactive in facing the issues in your marriage. He does sound as if he is supportive of you in his own way. Has he always been like this? Do you try and spend time together with just the two of you and as a family? What you are seeking from him is emotional support, caring and love and he provides little of that for you. If you are this unhappy you need to continue to try and reach him as to why and that this is a serious issue. Joint counseling might be helpful as it would be good for him to hear it from another source. If you don’t address this you will continue to be unhappy and another EA or more serious affair could be the result. Men can change in how they communicate with their wives. But he needs to understand you and have empathy in order to do that. Good luck.


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## draconis

Why did you have the emotional affair? Why did you tell your husband? Why did you tell him a second time?

It seems like you wanted a reaction, even a bad one to get attention.

draconis


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## kprtyqn

Dont feel bad i go thru this daily also. He represses himself from responding to anything even if i try to talk nicely. I tried to help him understand that nothing gets resolved and after the problem bubbles for too long things will get worse.

You are like, i dont want to live a "life of convenience" anymore or a "fake" life. Ive done that already.

He is supposed to be my soulmate and no matter how it hurts i think maybe he just deserves someone better that can just leave things be, be uncaring, be unloved alot of the time, and sex only when he wants it......


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## FlaMom

Hi Deadinside,
I also have been married for a few years and recognize what you are going through. My husband has never been completely emotionally available. He has gotten better and it has been by going to marriage counseling. We went separately and also together for about 2 years. He still goes to a group meeting once a week. I have been utterly shocked by what I have heard him say in counseling about his mother. Well, I kind of figured having known the woman. Frankly, I place a lot of blame on her for the way my husband is. I empathize with you and encourage counseling. 
FlaMom


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## Honey

That rock won't roll, huh? Then push his butt to go talk about his marriage. Ask him do you want to split or do you want to try to save our marrriage? If one is not happy in the marriage, than you don't have a happy marriage.


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## voivod

deadinside said:


> Oh, thank God for the anonymity of the internet!
> 
> It makes me feel safe to put my business out there without it coming back to me.. have to put on that happy face!
> 
> My husband and I have been married for a long time (more than 14 years) and have kids. The longer we're together the worse things get.
> 
> Problem? He's emotionally distant. He doesn't think he is, but trust me.. I feel it.
> 
> We never fight. Ever. Bad things happen and we just swallow it and pretend everything is fine. He hates conflict and arguing and flat out won't do it.
> 
> I feel suffocated, like I have to live this pretend life and can't have honest emotion. If I cry, I'm weak. If I get angry, I'm childish. It all makes him shut down.
> 
> Bad on me, and I know it.. I had an emotional affair last year. No physical stuff, but it was someone who showed an interest in me and how I felt, and I craved that so badly I went with it. My husband found out, and his response?
> 
> NOTHING. Just "I'm on your side, and things will be fine tomorrow".
> 
> That sounds like such a dumb problem, doesn't it? But it's so hard to cope with. I feel like I have to do more and more just to get an honest emotional response out of him and nothing works.
> 
> That zero response really bothered me, so I brought it up again. He saiid he was mad (but in my opinon hid it well ) and likes to pretend it didn't happen so we can be happy again.
> 
> Well, I'm not. I feel so.. dead. Emotionally lost. Like he's a stranger to me. And he DOES NOT get it.
> 
> I know I'm not perfect and have many issues of my own to work out, but his attitude is that he's being strong and supportive and when I get over the craziness, things will be fine.
> 
> They won't.
> 
> I just don't know what to to.


then why don't you copy and paste your post to word...print it out..and hand it to him without saying anything...don't edit it for comfort..and just let him digest it...you wanna push his emotional buttons, that should do it.


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## senorita2007

hi
I am sailing in the same boat. My husband is basically reserved and very uncommunicative. One day I actually disappeared from the house after a outburst to commit suicide. then realised my folly and came back after 3 hours and he didnt ask me where or why I went till today. he pretends that didnt happen. every fight i have, he pretends it didnt happen and acts all normal the next day. I am really pissed off. Even if he yells at me, i will be happy instead of this stony behaviour where he just keeps all his emotions under wraps and taunts me.
He has actually not even told his love for me at all or consoled me when i cry. I feel like i am living with a stranger....


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## NadiaSofia17

I am also in the same predicament as every other woman on this thread! I'm starting to think that "Men" just do not have the capabilities of loving another individual the way a "Woman" can! I'm sorry, but to anyone who does not agree with me just look at every statistic about Men vs Women that is out there! I am Christian and I don't believe that homosexuality is correct. I'm not trying to critisize Homosexuals! I just don't feel it right in my heart! (To each their own) I mention this because if I ever did think that Homosexuality was ok by God then I would hope and wish to God to be a Lesbian! My sister is a Lesbian and I don't blame her one bit! Men just don't love the way Women do! I'm not saying that Men don't love, but it's just not the same or even close to as deep. I do realise that there are exceptions to the rules so let me note now that if you are a selfless, caring, and loving Man then I am not talking about you! If you are a Loving Man then may God Bless You! I'm speaking out of extreme Hurt and Anger! My husband knows that I am writing this right now and he STILL doesn't care! WTF! It's hurtful, but I tolerate it because I have a family and career to think about first! So basically my feelings are being placed on a back burner! I would never cheat on him, leave him, or hurt him in anyway, but DAMN it really hurts! I have just made him read this as I am typing this and I will let you know his response as soon as I am finished writing how I feel. I guess I will die not having a fulfilled romantic life! I guess I prioritize having a good family network over a romantic relationship. To me, it's worth it. This is the end of my thread and just to let everyone know how my husband responded to this, he basically kept trying to change the conversation. That means he's not going to change because he doesn't want to change! He's just fine with the way things are. Please write back and let me know your opinion!


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## MrsFarris

I know how you feel. Its hard to complain when there isn't anything "wrong" but its just that there isn't anything "right" either. I don't have kids but I am still scared to start over with someone else even though I know that there are people out there who would treat me better. Its tempting to lean on someone else, especially if they are telling you things that you have been struggling your whole relationship to get your husband to express for/to you.


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## Daidalos

Perhaps I can provide some insight to the stereotypically male attitude regarding this type of predicament. I too am immersed in a similar situation. Yes, I think it is safe to say that the majority of women and men think and act in different ways. However, I firmly believe neither of the sexes is more capable of love than the other. I believe how we each love, differs from time to time. This can disintegrate parts of our hearts and minds. Correspondingly the differences can also be invigorating at times. 

When those differences are dangerous, when they engender problems, we must remind ourselves to patient and kind with each other. I believe that given enough willpower, enough desire, any problem can be eventually resolved. I believe blame should be avoided, as it is more often than not, unhelpful in arriving at a solution. 

I know I am not perfect, even close to it. I know I love my fiancé deeply and I know I tell her this. I know setbacks are part of the standard operating procedure of any meaningful relationship. I know she and I have good and bad moments. 

Pertaining to the relationship I am in, accusations of emotional distance from my fiancé have hurtled towards me at an increasing rate over the past year. I often feel as if I can bottle many of her sentences, save them for any moment that her stresses overwhelm her, and release them upon myself, regardless of my actions that immediately precede her boiling over point. 

“…because you are always perfect. You can do nothing wrong.” “I haven’t heard you say that you love me.” “You hate my mother.” “…because everything has to be about you.” “You just don’t care.” “Why don’t you just leave. You don’t want to deal with this.”

In these moments, I feel that whatever I say or do falls upon deaf ears. At these moments, I do not know what she wants. If I am quiet and calm, “I am not feeling/loving/present.” I have to be in tears. I have to yell. It is only at this physio-emotional state within these moments that she thinks that I might actually feel something, and when I say something, I mean almost anything at all; however, an indication of feeling is not necessarily an indication of truth to her. I can scream that I love her, that she is the only one meant for me, that I want to continue to build a life with her, but it often doesn’t seem to matter. 

Lately, I have begun to think this might be due to her inability to let bygones be bygones, her running list of my negative actions and reactions. I have of course had moments of weakness, and I believe this is part of being human.

To be specific with a few of my weak moments, I have expressed the occasional doubt that it is the best idea to work with her or start a business with her. I have lost my patience on occasion with her mother, who is currently visiting and has been living in our house for over two months. “I cannot live like this. Your mother staying here for two to three months is too long. I can’t take it.” I have told her on occasion that she cannot forgive and forget. These statements have led to arguments.

She is worn out and so am I. My attitude is to just keep working on it, to continue attempting to adjust my behavior accordingly without sacrificing who I am, to hope that she believes what I say during those tough moments. Ideally, we end up positively synced the vast majority of the time and we both get what we want. 

Breaking it all down, focusing on the negative, telling your partner that they just aren’t cutting it often does not help. When she takes time out from what she does just for her and I take time out from what I do just for me. When we each simply give, it is easy and wonderful. There will be more tough times and it takes both partners in the relationship to get through them. Both tend to need behavioral adjustment.

‘Deadinside’, you never stated what indicated emotional distance on the part of your husband. You simply ‘feel it’. Feeling loss/need is a good starting point, but identifying specifics might be helpful. What do you want? What makes you feel suffocated? Why do you believe your life is ‘pretend’? What are the bad things that happen? 

Conversely, what does he want? Merge your respective desires and develop a strategy to achieve them both. It’s not just about you, nor is it just about him. Some items perhaps merit open discussion with your partner, others may not. Regarding ‘craziness’, perhaps try and cool off a bit. If he perceives what he believes is logic emanating from you, then it will make it may be strikingly easier to bring the relationship to a more loving level. 

‘NadiaSofia17’, it seems as if you are simply attempting to push your husband’s buttons. Could you possibly explain what your situation is in a more detail?


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## hurtingsoul

I know that the origanal post is old but I am going throught the same pain now.I can say it is comforting to know I am not theonly one going through this. I have been married for 17 years with two kids. I love him with all of my heart but as time goes one the worst our relationship gets. He doesnt handle conflict too well and he has become o emationally distant to me. We are buddies and have fun together but we have no intamacy. Noteven a deep kiss. Just peeks. He a sures me he has no desire for anyone eles. He says because I keep pressureing him for passion makes him pull back from me. I really dont believe that because if you love someone you would at least kiss them.

I walk around with a cry in my chest all the time. I have more peace when Im away from him because it hurst so much to be inhis presence but not with him.

I am so sad and so lonely. I alowed myself to get involved with someone eles who gave me all the attention I wanted but I wanted that from my husband and it was not the same so it was broken off because I knew this guy didnt love me but just wanted action. All I desire I want from the man i love and gave my life too but he is not willing to give it to me anymore. IT HURTS!


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## Lazarus

Sometimes a person just doesn't know anything about emotions or behaviours or boundaries in a relationship. End of story. That may seem crazy, but true. Less they realise that it is upsetting their partner. That accusation could come as a shock. 

Yelling and arguing is not their scene and they really cannot understand why other people live with such conflict; they destest such harmful effects! 

If a spouse affected bottles this all up what they rightly see as perceived "emotional distance" and doesn't sit down and CALMLY make it an important serious talk and express how this apparently super cool person is making the other spouse feel so unloved and dead, then the unknowingly emotionally unavailable spouse doesn't er, know they are emotionally unavailable to you. 

What was the childhood background of your spouse?


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## kia

Get busy, stop focusing so much on him and how he's not meeting your needs. Create a goal, find a passion choose happiness. If the story you're telling yourself is that you need xy and z from him to be happy, you will always be unhappy. Tell yourself a new story.

The more passionate you are about your own life, the more fascinating he'll find you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

DEAD thread.......

last poster hasn't been on in TWO YEARS.
Original poster hasn't been on in over FOUR YEARS.


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## Bobby5000

Read Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. For men it's tough- the idea is we should complain and lament, but do nothing. Both people need to talk, and hopefully each can try to understand


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## notdone

Bobby5000 said:


> Read Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. For men it's tough- the idea is we should complain and lament, but do nothing. Both people need to talk, and hopefully each can try to understand


It's tough to read this thread. It makes me beg the question, have the women here somehow trained their husbands to hold back? I mean some guys will do anything to please their wives. The disappointment that follows from watching your most treasured person cry out can cause a guy to hold back from upsetting his mate if their is no reassurance that she loves him. If she doesn't also follow through in helping him understand days later when the hurt occurs again he learns that whatever it is that bothers her is not worth the repeated turmoil. On goes the cycle.. The poor wife feels distance.. And a false sense of quiet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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