# Sexual drive differences between spouses



## SamKalkin (Dec 10, 2021)

I’m 47, she’s 51
Second marriage for both of us. I don’t have children from my previous 10 year marriage. My wife has 3 children from her previous marriage. Two live with us, we also share two more children.
We both work in hospital administration (different hospitals). I'm CEO, she's also in high executive position. With COVID, we are both highly stressed at work, spending there lots of hours, including weekends. Our kids, 16, 14, 12, 8 also require lots of attention.
Sex for me is an outlet to cope with high stress and in general my sex drive is high.
We had sex once every 6 weeks even before COVID and the exuberant amount of work. We share the same king size bed but end up sleeping at opposite ends. I talked to my wife several times about having sex at least once a week, and that even a hug or a kiss would go a long way and keep me content. Our foreplay is minimal (at least for my taste), she prefers to move to the penetration quickly after a few minutes of foreplay.
Recently, I started to sleep in a guest room, because it's torture for me not to have physical contact in such close proximity. I tried to touch her, tried to talk sweetly, she would say that she's tired and need to sleep. Again, I'm not fixated on sex alone, I just need to be hugged, caressed, kissed, feel needed.
Masturbation helps somewhat, but it doesn't cut it.
I feel mentally exhausted to talk about it again, it makes me feel that I'm not normal bringing up this topic over and over.
Currently we are just two adults responsible for raising our children, without physical relationship. I briefly thought about open relationship - and quickly shoved it away, I love my wife and wouldn't enjoy physical contact with someone else. But this whole situation makes me so depressed. It's hard to concentrate at work, I keep thinking about having sex and afraid that something is irreversibly broken between us.
If we had time -I would suggest us to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist. We are literally stretched so thin with our work and household...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I am far from an expert in a good married sex life but two things stand out.

1. You two are letting your jobs dictate your marriage. I know its tough not to but my ex wife did that and more or less chose a career and money over me.
2. You should not be sleeping in separate beds no matter what.

Just my two cents (or two opinions) of course


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

The sleeping in the guest bedroom could be seen as a passive aggressive move and won’t get you more sex. You two are more focused on your careers and kids and not on each other. Begging for sex won’t help either. Most will say this is as good as it gets, and if it’s not enough, divorce or an affair are your only options. I tend to agree with that.


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## SamKalkin (Dec 10, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> The sleeping in the guest bedroom could be seen as a passive aggressive move and won’t get you more sex.


Doing it to keep my sanity, seeing an attractive woman who gets naked in front of me when she changes excites and tortures me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SamKalkin said:


> Doing it to keep my sanity, seeing an attractive woman who gets naked in front of me when she changes excites and tortures me.


But you are allowing her to control your behavior. That’s seen as weak. Move back into the bedroom and jack off before she changes. You won’t be as interested. Start planning your long term solution, which may be finding someone your more sexually compatible with.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Check out my book: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

You two need to sit down over coffee and talk this through. Speak from the heart. Be honest with your wife. Lay your cards on the table. Tell her that - yes - you know she and you are busy with work - but you have to work on your marriage. And that means sleeping together. It really is the glue of a marriage. People can pooh-pooh that notion, but a sexless marriage is simply doomed. good luck.


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## SamKalkin (Dec 10, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> You two need to sit down over coffee and talk this through.


Thank you, brother. I'll see what I can do. I don't want to sound as a person who has 100 problems to every solution. We’ve done these talks a couple of times already in the last several years. I just become so irritable and short tempered without sex that I hate myself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SamKalkin said:


> We’ve done these talks a couple of times already in the last several years. I just become so irritable and short tempered without sex that I hate myself.


How you react and how you behave in response to this is entirely on you.


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## SamKalkin (Dec 10, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> How you react and how you behave in response to this is entirely on you.


I have self control, but you know the state of mind when you have irritable mood, ie cranky pants, and have to work hard to make sure you don't say or do something inappropriately wrong? I feel frustrated of the whole situation


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You’ve kind of chosen this lifestyle as you are a high level administrator married to another high level administrator who are both under a lot of pressure and stress. 

I’m guessing your wife is also at some stage of menopause so her libido can be anywhere from low to nonexistent and sex just simply isn’t on her docket anymore. 

It sounds like she is simply trying to appease you to shut you up and keep you from being an A-hole..... and maybe get an orgasm in herself now and then if she can. But she does not have the same drive or ‘need’ as you. 

You have a couple options here. 

One is to suck it up and live with it and get used to spanking to porn and accept whatever bone she decides to throw you graciously and with a smile. 

Another option is to divorce. 

And another is to see if you can find a sugar baby that will keep her mouth shut and work around your schedule. 

The one thing I guarantee you will make matters much worse and hurt your chances of any kind of healthy marital sexlife is if you keep being a whiny little b——h.

Nothing shuts down a woman’s attraction and desire more than a grown man acting like a spoiled little brat because he isn’t getting the poontang he wants. 

Dead bedrooms suck for higher libido spouse. But how you respond and react to it is up to you.

You don’t have any control over her libido but you do have control in how you respond to your situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SamKalkin said:


> I have self control, but you know the state of mind when you have irritable mood, ie cranky pants, and have to work hard to make sure you don't say or do something inappropriately wrong? I feel frustrated of the whole situation


Again, how you respond and behave is up to you and behaving like a pouty little boy that didn’t get his crackers is going to be one of the biggest turn offs to a woman that there is. 

It may be hard to get her turned on these days. 

But it is real easy to turn her off and having a whiney fit when you don’t get your way is one of the quickest and surest ways to do it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SamKalkin said:


> I just become so irritable and short tempered without sex that I hate myself.


Lemme put it this way - if you hate yourself when you behave this way,,, she hates you a thousand times worse.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

SamKalkin said:


> Thank you, brother. I'll see what I can do. I don't want to sound as a person who has 100 problems to every solution. We’ve done these talks a couple of times already in the last several years. I just become so irritable and short tempered without sex that I hate myself.


Totally understand that. It's a short fuse, no doubt, if you're not getting any. You'd think she'd understand, too. Wives! We are seeing a marriage counselor. It's interesting, shall we say?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> You’ve kind of chosen this lifestyle as you are a high level administrator married to another high level administrator who are both under a lot of pressure and stress.
> 
> I’m guessing your wife is also at some stage of menopause so her libido can be anywhere from low to nonexistent and sex just simply isn’t on her docket anymore.
> 
> ...


Yes. Sex, with you, isn't on her docket anymore.

She's presumably at least a normally intelligent and aware woman. So she knows sex is an important part of marriage, plus you have already initiated conversations about the issue and have told her your feelings about the matter. So, either she thinks you aren't going anywhere despite the sexessness, or, she doesn't really care if you do and the marriage ends! 

I bet sex would be back ON the docket if she was pursuing a new relationship if you two terminated your relationship. 

I think nothing will change unless she feels the marriage could end over this, and that's only if she cares if it does or not. 

If she wanted you, you'd be having sex. It really is that simple.


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## SamKalkin (Dec 10, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You’ve kind of chosen this lifestyle as you are a high level administrator married to another high level administrator who are both under a lot of pressure and stress.
> 
> I’m guessing your wife is also at some stage of menopause so her libido can be anywhere from low to nonexistent and sex just simply isn’t on her docket anymore.
> 
> ...


Dude, don’t be mistaken, I whine here, not in front of her. We are good friends and good parents to our kids and able to talk freely about everything, except sex. I’m not looking to meet another woman, just navigating my frustrating situation.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SamKalkin said:


> Masturbation helps somewhat, but it doesn't cut it.


Can she provide eye candy and a landing pad? That really helped us when we were "mismatched". Not ideal (and not a long term solution) but it surprisingly provided needed closeness.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Yes. Sex, with you, isn't on her docket anymore.
> 
> She's presumably at least a normally intelligent and aware woman. So she knows sex is an important part of marriage, plus you have already initiated conversations about the issue and have told her your feelings about the matter. So, either she thinks you aren't going anywhere despite the sexessness, or, she doesn't really care if you do and the marriage ends!
> 
> ...


I wonder if this could be said about many couples situations? One of the parties (mostly the wife but I don't want to generalize) loses interest yet if someone new comes along, they have a renwed interest. Then a few years down the road with THAT person they lose it again?

Sounds like that happens a lot...at least from what I read here.

Do many get bored with their spouse sexually or is it just a way to rope in a new spouse? Not sure?

Maybe this is a good reason to stay single if it does occur like this?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I wonder if this could be said about many couples situations? One of the parties (mostly the wife but I don't want to generalize) loses interest yet if someone new comes along, they have a renwed interest. Then a few years down the road with THAT person they lose it again?
> 
> Sounds like that happens a lot...at least from what I read here.
> 
> ...


They aren't very attracted to their current spouse, but know in order to have a new relationship w someone they will have to be sexual.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Livvie said:


> They aren't very attracted to their current spouse, but know in order to have a new relationship w someone they will have to be sexual.


Yep, i think this is why if I ever am single again, I wouldn't get married. Not trying to sound bitter...just learning from experience.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SamKalkin said:


> Dude, don’t be mistaken, I whine here, not in front of her. We are good friends and good parents to our kids and able to talk freely about everything, except sex. I’m not looking to meet another woman, just navigating my frustrating situation.


I’m just going off your words about being irritable and cranky pants and triggering your temper etc. 

And as others have said, moving out of the marital bed is an act of passive-aggressive. 

Your navigations skills need a new map and compass.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SamKalkin said:


> Dude, don’t be mistaken, I whine here, not in front of her. We are good friends and good parents to our kids and able to talk freely about everything, except sex. I’m not looking to meet another woman, just navigating my frustrating situation.


But fixing it involves her, not us.

Highly recommend you watch the Ted Talk “Thr sex-starved marriage.” Then have her watch it with you. If that doesn’t bring home what’s at stake, no amount of counseling will help.


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

SamKalkin said:


> Doing it to keep my sanity, seeing an attractive woman who gets naked in front of me when she changes excites and tortures me.


Nothing wrong with your feelings. I think and feel this is normal when you are in a real love with your partner. If she does not excites and tortures you in the bedroom or in the house, then there is a problem requires both of your attention. 

What crazy is that, how she continued her life with having sex only every 6 weeks!! And when you approached her to talk about it, she was not interested!! Woow

Even if she does not want to have sex, she should not shut you down. Same with the husbands, they should not shut down their wife if they demanded having a sex. Because shutting down that partner, may lead him or her to something not good. 

I understand that, she may have some pressor or more responsibilities from work or kids make her mind busy and less interested to too many thinks, but going to the another room and do not want to talk to fix is not going to lead to a good healthy relation.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> But fixing it involves her, not us.
> 
> Highly recommend you watch the Ted Talk “Thr sex-starved marriage.” Then have her watch it with you. If that doesn’t bring home what’s at stake, no amount of counseling will help.


I like that first line in your reply. Well said.

The problem with things like the Ted talk and other books is the low sex spouse is not interested in watching them. And can even become annoyed and mad that you suggest it. Your suggestion is good its just I can see her getting mad he would even suggest her watching it. 

Personal experience from long ago talking here


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I bet sex would be back ON the docket if she was pursuing a new relationship if you two terminated your relationship.


This is the thought experiment I think is particularly helpful.

If you split, does she remain a celibate nun or does she try to get with another guy? With this guy is she having sex?

If the answer you come up with is yes, what is the difference between you and that guy? Can you be that guy?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> The problem with things like the Ted talk and other books is the low sex spouse is not interested in watching them.


Exactly this. They’re not the one with the problem, you are!

You need to make it their problem. You make it their problem by threatening to leave if they don’t work on improving things.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is the thought experiment I think is particularly helpful.
> 
> If you split, does she remain a celibate nun or does she try to get with another guy? With this guy is she having sex?
> 
> If the answer you come up with is yes, what is the difference between you and that guy? Can you be that guy?


The only way to be that guy is to make her insecure about her attachment to you.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

You just have different sex drives and attitude towards sex. I personally believe work load just an excuse. People who want sex will find time to have it regardless of their work schedule.

My wife was breastfeeding our twins non stop for many years. She was exhausted, milk was pouring from her breasts. And we still found time to be intimate.

I doubt anything will change with your wife. You need to decide of you want your life this way.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

So you moving into the guest bedroom was not a major wake up call for her re where her relationship is headed?

How did she respond to you moving out of the bedroom? I would think the answer to this is vital.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

If she’s okay with two bedrooms, this marriage is doomed.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> If she’s okay with two bedrooms, this marriage is doomed.


She's likely headed for an affair, if she already isn't having one.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> She's likely headed for an affair, if she already isn't having one.


Had same thought.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Exactly this.  They’re not the one with the problem, you are!
> 
> You need to make it their problem. You make it their problem by threatening to leave if they don’t work on improving things.


Have you watched that video? It’s a warning to the spouse who’s denying access to intimacy. Watch it.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yes. Sex, with you, isn't on her docket anymore.
> 
> She's presumably at least a normally intelligent and aware woman. So she knows sex is an important part of marriage, plus you have already initiated conversations about the issue and have told her your feelings about the matter. So, either she thinks you aren't going anywhere despite the sexessness, or, she doesn't really care if you do and the marriage ends!
> 
> ...



Completely nailed it.....

This excuse of high level job is complete nonsense...I could relate stories but I will stay on the topic....Just as you stated, its a great stress reliever...The way some people make it sound, its as if a romp in the sack is like cracking rocks in a chain gang...And even if tiredness was the issue, who says you need to be swinging from the chandeliers?

For whatever reason, the ship sailed for her...It could be an intimacy issue, she could be getting it somewhere else, or it's just a case of "the factory closed up"...She could also be resentful of you for some reason and is using this to punish you, truth is, without an honest answer from her(people are rarely honest in this area), then its very hard to really tell...

Its down to 3 choices...

-You stay, take care of your kids and maintain the status quo, which basically means Porn, some kleenex and your hand...Maybe she throws you a bone on NYE when she had too much to drink...

-You stay, but get it elsewhere on the street...I know a guy that has been seeing the same high priced escort for probably 20 years now..his wife probably knows and doesn't care, he says....Or you can find a side gf...All these come with the usual problems, I don't have to explain that...

-Pack it up and end the marriage, you got young kids, a lifestyle, blah, blah....

That's about it....

You can put a gun to her head on this issue...and maybe she decided to hold her nose and give you some kind of lay on her back and "ok, put it in",,,type of deal...Some guys are cool with that...Not this guy...and presumably not a lot of others either...I look at it this way...NO WAY, would I ever coerce, threaten, beg, whatever for something like sex...Once you do that, then any enjoyment that could possibly come of it will be worthless...If you can get over that, then great, maybe it works...but I dunno...I can't see it...

The ONLY time I ever heard of anything working, is when a guy that was not taking care of himself, decides to whip himself into shape and get noticed by other women...Then sometimes the woman comes around, but its certainly no guarantee...


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> Completely nailed it.....
> 
> This excuse of high level job is complete nonsense...I could relate stories but I will stay on the topic....Just as you stated, its a great stress reliever...The way some people make it sound, its as if a romp in the sack is like cracking rocks in a chain gang...And even if tiredness was the issue, who says you need to be swinging from the chandeliers?
> 
> ...


This is one of the best replies I’ve ever read here. Laid it all out. Makes sense. Honest. Good job! Me? I’d probably go Bob Hope - “thanks for the memory” - and hire an attorney.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Completely nailed it.....
> 
> This excuse of high level job is complete nonsense...I could relate stories but I will stay on the topic....Just as you stated, its a great stress reliever...The way some people make it sound, its as if a romp in the sack is like cracking rocks in a chain gang...And even if tiredness was the issue, who says you need to be swinging from the chandeliers?
> 
> ...


It's the possibility of losing him that causes her to want to re-connect.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> It's the possibility of losing him that causes her to want to re-connect.


Yep. Motivation.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> It's the possibility of losing him that causes her to want to re-connect.



So let me see if I understand this correctly......

This(any) woman/man clearly doesn't want to have sex with their partner...They'll virtually let the other person twist in the wind for an eternity(as I believe this woman would), and they will be completely fine... So.. at the 11th hour, when it seems like the other person is about to leave....then they say..."well...I better do this, or I am going to be without them"....

SO what do you have then?? Some lame ass duty sex....No thanks...

IMO/E once this ship sails, then it's not coming back....If it does, it's going to be by a tow rope...with 6 holes in the hull..


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> So let me see if I understand this correctly......
> 
> This(any) woman/man clearly doesn't want to have sex with their partner...They'll virtually let the other person twist in the wind for an eternity(as I believe this woman would), and they will be completely fine... So.. at the 11th hour, when it seems like the other person is about to leave....then they say..."well...I better do this, or I am going to be without them"....
> 
> ...


That's why a man must be prepared to lose his marriage, in order to save it. The woman hasn't lost her drive, because she would get sexual awfully fast with her new boyfriend. 
Unless the man in question has done something to hurt her, she's just lost her love for her husband and that won't be coming back, unless the husband has prepared to walk out on the marriage.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> That's why a man must be prepared to lose his marriage, in order to save it. The woman hasn't lost her drive, because she would get sexual awfully fast with her new boyfriend.
> Unless the man in question has done something to hurt her, she's just lost her love for her husband and that won't be coming back, unless the husband has prepared to walk out on the marriage.



Truth is we don't know(the drive part)....he may not even know....

I have known both men and women at that age(I am that age), who, if you believe what they say, have zero interest in sex anymore...If you are lucky, both parties kinda fade out in that area and can go off as non sexual married couples til the end of their lives...

She could easily be one of those types...And she could in fact love him dearly...It doesn't necessarily have to be either one or the other....Some women get to a point where their body issues make it totally uncomfortable and shameful to engage in something that intimate...Maybe guys do this as well..I dunno....Sometimes it's merely familiarity, routine, etc....

Maintaining a long lasting, willing and eager sexual relationship between two people is_ incredibly hard._.I have often thought that perhaps this was a built in characteristic that was biologically designed into all of us, for the reasons of genetic diversity and propagation of the species....Lets face it, practically no other beings do what we do in this area...That being said, it IS possible, but it takes very careful selection of a mate in the first place, placing a very high priority on this aspect...It may mean some women settle for guys who aren't necessarily the best providers, or the most "safe" options, for men, maybe it means that certain characteristics in women that make the most sense for sexual chemistry have to take precedent over other things.. 

Its tough...Most people aren't fortunate enough to pick from a wide array of partners, so that they make sure they get everything they want...For a lot of people they are lucky if they can find one.....


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> She's likely headed for an affair, if she already isn't having one.


That’s my thoughts from OPs initial post. When your wife is doling out duty sex 8 times a year, doesn’t want to be affectionate, and is ok with you sleeping in the guest bedroom she has detached from you. The question is, has she attached herself to someone else? 

A healthy, fit woman is always going to have suitors. The medical field is notorious for the amount of infidelity that takes place. You should definitely want to rule out an interloper. Do not fool yourself with talk about busy schedules. What I see is a possibility that she’s been in a LTR affair. By avoiding sex and even intimacy, she can be loyal to whoever she’s attached to.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Truth is we don't know(the drive part)....he may not even know....
> 
> I have known both men and women at that age(I am that age), who, if you believe what they say, have zero interest in sex anymore...If you are lucky, both parties kinda fade out in that area and can go off as non sexual married couples til the end of their lives...
> 
> ...


Lovemaking may have to adjust, but I think a woman who loves her husband would want to make to make love to him anyway. Even if it's not the same way, just to keep him bonded.
I'm a big believer in serving your spouse willingly, as a principle.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> I'm a big believer in serving your spouse willingly, as a principle.


Not me, man....I mean, that's fine for chores and such...but sex? Nope...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Not me, man....I mean, that's fine for chores and such...but sex? Nope...


As an Aspie, I do many things out of duty and not out of feelings.
Having feelings are limited for me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> That’s my thoughts from OPs initial post. When your wife is doling out duty sex 8 times a year, doesn’t want to be affectionate, and is ok with you sleeping in the guest bedroom she has detached from you. The question is, has she attached herself to someone else?
> 
> A healthy, fit woman is always going to have suitors. The medical field is notorious for the amount of infidelity that takes place. You should definitely want to rule out an interloper. Do not fool yourself with talk about busy schedules. What I see is a possibility that she’s been in a LTR affair. By avoiding sex and even intimacy, she can be loyal to whoever she’s attached to.


Any time there is a fairly sudden change in sexual behavior, looking into the possibility of a 3rd party is prudent if for no other reason than to eliminate that as a possibility. 

But a woman in her 50s may be menopausal to where she truly is somewhat asexual and not on the sexual market. 

A 30 year old woman who becomes completely uninterested in sex at home is a completely different creature than a 50some year old menopausal woman. 

I'm not saying that the OP's wife is not cheating, but the chances of it are much lower than were she a much younger woman with similar circumstances.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

This could also be intimacy avoidance. Avoidants prefer working a lot or managing kids as they are buffers from having to engage your partner on an intimate (sexual or non-sexual) level.

Avoidants also tend to keep partners at a distance and they are busy pursuing things that maintain that buffer. You pursue and they distance. You leave and they approach. A lot of times their sense of self worth comes from the buffer.

Avoidants also want distance but can’t stand to be alone either. This is what I experience. Even more now, she prefers couples/family/group things now over 1-on-1 dates. My wife wants to work her ass off at work and come home to a security blanket. Same now as when we were dating. For her it would suck to go all-day, come home to an empty house and stare at her IPad all night then go to bed… rinse and repeat. But thought of flirting, sex, etc are off-putting.

In the end you should be each others safe harbor but sadly a glass of wine or tablet takes your place while they decompress.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Any time there is a fairly sudden change in sexual behavior, looking into the possibility of a 3rd party is prudent if for no other reason than to eliminate that as a possibility.
> 
> But a woman in her 50s may be menopausal to where she truly is somewhat asexual and not on the sexual market.
> 
> ...


I agree that a 51 year old woman going through menopause can become quite asexual but OP said this has been going on since before covid. He also described his wife as not even wanting to kiss or hug. Add in the indifference to her husband sleeping in guest bedroom and I’m seeing a wife that has detached from her husband.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I guess the really sad thing about the OP's story is it is not uncommon. I really wonder what percent of married couples are happy sexually?

And I am not sure if the OP's wife is having an affair. I think she is just married to her career. My ex was like that. Her job came before ANYTHING else. We never had kids as she never "found time to have kids" as she was so busy at her job.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> The only way to be that guy is to make her insecure about her attachment to you.


Dread often works on wives that have become so complacent when it comes to making an emotional and sexual effort for their husbands. Seeing their husband become indifferent to their wife all while he’s getting busy having a fulfilling life has a way to wake them up. 

What’s funny is that these “asexual” wives would become pretty wanton if they found themselves on the dating market as a 50 something divorcee . Expecting to give it up after a handful of dates, these women would have to at the very least, fake it to they make it. No man’s looking to date, let alone wife up an asexual woman.

So @SamKalkin get busy making yourself into the better man who’s life is so awesome that his wife knows he has options, so she better be sexing him up or she fears another woman will.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SamKalkin said:


> *Sex for me is an outlet to cope with high stress and in general my sex drive is high.*


After many years of working on my marriage, I keep coming to the conclusion that THIS dynamic is probably one that tends to cause spouses to become aversive to sex. Intimacy is about feeling close to someone and knowing them. Getting close to someone that is under extreme stress in going to be unpleasant and will likely feel unsettling afterwards (regardless of who had an orgasm or how good it was).

Find a healthier way to deal with stress! Perhaps own up to the fact that you are under a lot of stress and crave intimacy as a result, but just limit that coping mechanism to a back rub. It is also likely that she needs intimacy as well to help with stress but avoids it since you are under stress and need to unload it on her. 

I would seriously have a talk about coping mechanisms for stress and if that dynamic pushes you two away from one another. Try keeping it simple like back rubs and see if you can engage in nonsexual physical intimacy to help each other cope with stress and relax. Once you reach a point of relaxation pay attention to your sexual desire and see if it subsides or strengthens. 

And as you say if you are the CEO of a hospital, perhaps you have access to some therapists as part of your health insurance to talk about marital stress and coping mechanisms for couples! 

Good luck!

Badsanta


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I guess the really sad thing about the OP's story is it is not uncommon. I really wonder what percent of married couples are happy sexually?
> 
> And I am not sure if the OP's wife is having an affair. I think she is just married to her career. My ex was like that. Her job came before ANYTHING else. We never had kids as she never "found time to have kids" as she was so busy at her job.


mine was too....and then she somehow found time for an affair without changing much else time commitment wise


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

crushed2x said:


> mine was too....and then she somehow found time for an affair without changing much else time commitment wise


Ouch. Did you divorce?


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## Pete Johnson (Dec 12, 2021)

Just for the record, women who go into menopause, eventually come out of it and the sex drive can improve. At least the hormone issue can improve. I know this because I have experienced it with 2 wives (one then the other). One wife went through 8 years of menopause and then became more interested in sex. The other, it wasn't as long. I have also know this from friends and from reading forums like this one. Good luck


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Pete Johnson said:


> Just for the record, women who go into menopause, eventually come out of it and the sex drive can improve. At least the hormone issue can improve. I know this because I have experienced it with 2 wives (one then the other). One wife went through 8 years of menopause and then became more interested in sex. The other, it wasn't as long. I have also know this from friends and from reading forums like this one. Good luck


Once again, posters are blaming this issue on menopause. 😒

Menopause can be causing a lowered sex drive but sure isn't causing the lack of care and communication in this relationship on her part.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Once again, posters are blaming this issue on menopause. 😒
> 
> Menopause can be causing a lowered sex drive but sure isn't causing the lack of care and communication in this relationship on her part.


His whining and pouting and wanting to use her body for his stress relief is likely the cause of her lack of caring and communication. 

But menopause can be a factor in her decreased sexual interest and response.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> His whining and pouting and wanting to use her body for his stress relief is likely the cause of her lack of caring and communication.
> 
> But menopause can be a factor in her decreased sexual interest and response.


Having sex once every 6 weeks isn't using her body as stress relief. 

Menopause doesn't turn you into someone who won't converse with her husband on an issue (he had tried talking to her about it for years, he says). Menopause also doesn't make you not want to hug or kiss your spouse. 

It just is silly the way some people try to lay blame to all problems on menopause.

She won't kiss me, she won't hug me, she doesn't care I left the bedroom, she refuses to have a discussion about our intimate life, she doesn’t care about the state of our marriage. Let's all just say it's menopause.

I assure you, menopausal women are kissy, huggy, caring, warm, loving, giving. Menopause doesn't take that away, if she loves you and loves the relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Having sex once every 6 weeks isn't using her body as stress relief.
> 
> Menopause doesn't turn you into someone who won't converse with her husband on an issue (he had tried talking to her about it for years, he says). Menopause also doesn't make you not want to hug or kiss your spouse.
> 
> ...


I'm not disagreeing with you. I agree there are issues here that go way beyond menopause. 

The only reason I even mentioned menopause at all a page or two back was when people started jumping onto the cheating bandwagon and assuming since she wasn't screwing him, she had to be screwing someone else. 

My point was simply that if she was menopausal, that the chances of her screwing someone else was less.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> If she’s okay with two bedrooms, this marriage is doomed.


Two bedrooms can be okay, *if* you have sex first, or come together in the morning for sex. I was sick for a couple of weeks and slept in the other room. We both slept better during that time, and she didn't catch my cold. I'm over the illness, but we still (often) sleep apart, except for daily sex (sometimes evening, but mostly mornings).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Once again, posters are blaming this issue on menopause. 😒
> 
> Menopause can be causing a lowered sex drive but sure isn't causing the lack of care and communication in this relationship on her part.


I can't like this enough!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

So if you walk up and hug her in a warm, loving, non sexual way- she doesn’t like it? Do you ever do that? Just a nice big hug- no strings attached.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> His whining and pouting and wanting to use her body for his stress relief is likely the cause of her lack of caring and communication.
> 
> But menopause can be a factor in her decreased sexual interest and response.
> [/QUOTE





CatholicDad said:


> So if you walk up and hug her in a warm, loving, non sexual way- she doesn’t like it? Do you ever do that? Just a nice big hug- no strings attached.


hugs are good


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> hugs are good


I think you can tell if your wife loves you in a hug alone. If she softens, sighs, melts into it, says “mmm”, responds lovingly… you know she’s still yours.

If she’s tense, uncomfortable, wants to get free as quickly as possible, says “not now”… you know she’s NOT.

However, if you’ve only given hugs as a prelude to sex, or grab her butt… she might give some unclear signs… woe to any husband that uses hugs to get sex. Sometimes a hug has to be just a hug!

Ditto for co-sleeping. If you snuggle up to her on a cold night and she doesn’t push into you a bit, or sigh, or hold your hand… she probably ain’t yours. If you left your bed with her… you’re missing out on some serious intel.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I don’t analyze as much. But I hear ya. NSA hugs are cool. So are hugs that result in more.


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## GS80 (Dec 14, 2021)

Thanks to the OP for posting this thread. I was about to post something almost exactly the same because I’m dealing with a similar issue…
Awesome advice and feedback from everyone in this thread as well. Appreciate it greatly.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I wonder if this could be said about many couples situations? One of the parties (mostly the wife but I don't want to generalize) loses interest yet if someone new comes along, they have a renwed interest. Then a few years down the road with THAT person they lose it again?
> 
> Sounds like that happens a lot...at least from what I read here.
> 
> ...


It's probably both. Most of us know how sex is somehow hotter and more exciting with a new person - new experiences, new ways of doing things.

Also, most of us know it's hard to get a partner if sex isn't on the table. A decent guy doesn't have to tolerate it. So, a lady knows that her value as a partner depends on willingness to have sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You had sex every 6 weeks before covid. So I don't think you have any reason to think this is going to get more frequent. I certainly understand you want to have sex more but what I'm thinking is it maybe you shouldn't have married her if you weren't satisfied with the sex frequency. 

Just as an aside, and as a woman, it wouldn't be very flattering if you told her you need sex as a way to cope with stress. Women like to just think you want to have sex because you love them. I'm not saying you don't but I'm just giving you a clue for when you have future conversations.

Doesn't sound like she's going to be down for extended foreplay on her part. She sounds very tired and so do you and we appreciate what you do.

If you had said that before covid things were different then I would try to give you hope that it would get back to normal. 
But she's on a really low sex frequency and has been before you married her. 

My best guess if she's not going to be wanting to change that or she already would have because she's not stupid.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

SamKalkin said:


> I’m 47, she’s 51
> Second marriage for both of us. I don’t have children from my previous 10 year marriage. My wife has 3 children from her previous marriage. Two live with us, we also share two more children.
> We both work in hospital administration (different hospitals). I'm CEO, she's also in high executive position. With COVID, we are both highly stressed at work, spending there lots of hours, including weekends. Our kids, 16, 14, 12, 8 also require lots of attention.
> Sex for me is an outlet to cope with high stress and in general my sex drive is high.
> ...


I'm living in a similar situation. It's absolute hell. No, sex isn't required to live and survive - but living is painful without physical affection.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

First of all, never sleep in a separate bed.

Second of all, jobs and stress have nothing to do with it. I'm a CEO and I still have sex with my wife just about every day. For some reason she's not attracted to you right now. Why is that? Are you being an alpha at work but a beta at home? Is she interested in someone else?

If you want immediate change the **** me or **** you speech.

Basically, we need to start having sex or I'm leaving you. Sometimes people need a wake up call.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

There's issues here and let's face it - anybody in the health field right now is working in a war zone.


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