# How do you deal with depressed spouse?



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My H of 20 years has had clinical depression since he was a boy. I married him knowing this because I loved him so. Now he is in his late 40's and his depression is so severe, he never gets out of bed. Refuses to see a doctor to get meds, doesn't bathe anymore, drinks a fifth of rum every night and is addicted to the television.

I can only speak to him during commercial breaks and most of the time when we talk, he is looking over my head at the TV. We haven't made love in over a year. He never hugs me, kisses me, or says kind things. He does, however, point out when I do something wrong or when I am annoying. His annoyance triples when I get hurt or sad by his actions and he shuts me out completely. 

As a romantic, I keep trying to communicate how unhappy his behavior makes me, how sad and lonely I am (not in a nagging way but there are two people in this marriage). The other night as he was getting ready to go and get his rum, I was trying to talk to him about something and he got angry and said "I gotta go! I must be home by 8:00!" and I said why 8:00?" and he replied "Big Brother (a show I despise but watch anyway just to spend time with him) will be starting! It's the only thing I look forward to." I have been trying to do the 180, which he doesn't notice, but that one little comment felt like I was hit in the stomach with a wrecking ball. My face dropped and he rolled his eyes and got angry that I got hurt. He turned and left me there to rush to get his rum.

Have any of your fallen out of love with your depressed spouse? Are you torn because of the vows you took? Do you feel lonely and sad even when you are in the same room with them? Do you feel detached from your love? 

How do you handle this situation? No advice, I want to know how you deal with this, even if it is bad, sad, or crazy. I need to know what others feel so I do not feel so alone.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

My husband was diagnosis with clinical depression when he was a teenager. he is 32 now. I've been supporting him through his depression since I was 20 (going to 32 in Nov) There are days when his bad days are horrible. A few years ago, after our daughter was born, he was diagnosis with anxiety and agoraphobia, as well, after admitting himself into the hospital since he felt like he was going to harm himself.

He doesn't take medication because it doesn't help. It has gotten better over the years. There are still times when he gets very depressed where he refuses to bathe or even get up.

Over the years, I had periods where I felt like I fell out of love with him. There were times that I couldn't stand him because of the things that he would say to me. One of the reason why his EA hurt me was when he told her "You're the only one I can count on." It's like I been there for all those years, and he didn't acknowledge my support. But, I digress.

I won't lie. There were times early in our relationship that I felt like leaving him. There were times that I was ready to walk out that door, but I wanted to be there to support him because he supports me during his good days. Also, early in our marriage there were times that I wanted to leave too. I stayed here because I made a promise. Now, I stay here because he's a good man and I love him. It's not his fault that the serotonin in his brain are low and his father left when he was young.

Through his lows, I leave him alone. When he was as happy as he could be, he told me that the greatest thing that I can do for him during his lows are to leave him alone. I, now, only make my side of the bed if he wants to sleep all day. I live for myself. I cook for my daughter and I. I read that a caretaker of someone who is depress is more than likely to develop it themselves. That is why it is so important that if you feel like you have signs of depression that you have yourself checked out. It's hard to live in a depressed household, and it does take a toil on your mental well-being.

There are times that I do feel lonely and sad in the same household as he. Right now, the stresses of the outside world are crashing into ours. They cut his hours back at work, the truck we bought was a lemon (they lied to us when we bought it, said it had alternator problems, but it was electrical). So, it is stressful here. I find that these are times that I must have *me* time. It's where I recharge my battery.

Detached to an extent. I won't let his sadness affect me. I can't because we have a little girl, and she needs to see one of us as close to normal as possible.

I found boundaries really important in coping with my depressed spouse.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are dealing with far more than a depressed spouse. You've also got an alcoholic on your hands. Since alcohol is also a depressant, it's making his depression worse. Unfortunately you probably won't make much progress with the depression until you get rid of the rum. Does he work at all?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Thanks for your replies guys. For years I tried to take care of him and make him better. Nothing worked so as you mentioned, his depression encompassed me. I was so depressed I didn't leave my bed, stopped cleaning and gained tons of weight (comfort eating). I did see a doctor and a therapist and am crawling out of the depression part.

No, he doesn't work. He owns his own new construction plumbing business but he won't bid any jobs. I am jobless and am looking for work. When I did work, I bought all kinds of top of the line stuff which sells great on Ebay. 

What I have been doing lately for my own sanity is staying away from him. Not ignoring him or being mean, just keeping to myself and doing things that make me happy. We have separate bedrooms because of his snoring so I hang in there and listen to music, do some crafts, come on TAM, watch horror movies. 

I must stop worrying about helping him and help myself. It's really hard, but baby steps, baby steps, baby steps!

Oh and the drunk thing? That is the worse!!!! When he drinks I can safely say that I hate him.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Writer said:


> Over the years, I had periods where I felt like I fell out of love with him. There were times that I couldn't stand him because of the things that he would say to me. One of the reason why his EA hurt me was when he told her "You're the only one I can count on." It's like I been there for all those years, and he didn't acknowledge my support. But, I digress.


Oh my God Writer, after all he put you through he had the balls to have an EA? I can't imagine how much that hurt you. 

I had an EA with a guy at work. I would leave my house of depression and neglect and this hot guy at work would compliment me, make me feel special and sexy. I was in a very weak position at the time and fell right into it. It felt good to feel alive again. H found out and was devastated. That was a very hard time in our marriage but we made it through. I stopped the EA, the dude got another job. That was 15 years ago, and the dude still tries to email me and tries to get me to see him. 

These days, I am so tempted to go see him but I won't. Me having an affair would only hurt things and not help. I am hanging on by a thread, that thread would break if I went to another man to give me what my H should be giving me. I also have learned not to kick a man when he is down. 

I wish I could have both, selfish b!tch that I am. But I just ignore his pleas. Though it is nice that some man wants to be with me, even though he probably wants sex or something. We never got physical, but I am not going to ***** myself to feel loved. Love has nothing to do with it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You are poking around the edges of depression psychosis. Not quite there but it's getting to be a real consideration. OP should consider involuntary commitment. Chemically, his brain is fried. Shorted out. No serotonin floating around in there anymore. Doctors are going to want to use overly powerful drugs to counteract that - if it were me I'd opt for a gentler slower process without antipsychotic/anticonvulsant/anti schizophrenic drugs and stick to the protocols that emphasize a few different antidepressants, weaning off of alcohol, ECT and talk therapy.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Oh my God Writer, after all he put you through he had the balls to have an EA? I can't imagine how much that hurt you.


Oh, I don't want to make it out that I was an angel back then. I wasn't. His EA was an actual revenge EA. The depression brought out the classic characteristics of Betas in my husband then. I took full advantage of that.

I was lonely, and he didn't pay me the attention that I thought that he should have. I turned to a friend, confiding the problems in my marriage with him. 

There are times in his very depressed episodes that I want to turn to someone. No one around here really understands what he is going through. They think that he should just "be happy". My mom had the balls to call him crazy, which I stood up for him immediately. 

I found support online through a depressed support group. Also, in the last few years, I had to be put on antidepressants because of the toil that caring for a depressed one takes.

But, your problems are magnified due to the fact that it seems like he is medicating himself through alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. It lowers the already lowered serotonin level. He need to be weaned off of alcohol. And if he is an alcoholic, then it's going to be an uphill fight.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Your husband isn't just depressed, he's holding something against you and doesn't out it.
Being agressive towards your spouse isn't a symptom of depression. I hope you both will find how to move past it.

Not really a spouse, but a parent, he's been depressed all his life but didn't want to admit it and find comfort in insulting anybody that dares to be close to him. Kind of how your husband reacted about Big Brother. Say hurtful things to push the other away, and then once the other is gone he starts hating him for it. Maybe not really the case, but that what came into my mind.

There isn't really a how-to on dealing with a spouse, not to my knowledge. And I agree with you on not wanting an advice. You can't force your husband out of depression, his lack of will is what makes him depressed in the first place.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I am making a doctor's appointment for him tomorrow to get him back on his meds. The alcoholic thing has been a problem for him since he was young. He has no desire to stop drinking. Even when times were good and we had no worries, he still drank a lot. I gave up that battle long ago. Now, just to protect myself, when he drinks I leave the room so I don't have to see it. 

For the last few days I have distanced myself from him physically and emotionally. I don't think he notices but he has always been like that. I just got tired of the begging and pleading PLEASE LOVE ME, PLEASE PAY ME SOME ATTENTION, PLEASE SHOW ME AFFECTION. Pathetic really which I believe only enhanced his depression because I was constantly complaining and in his brain, he has shut down. I had turned into another thing that bothered him. 

I am not ignoring him at all, but living my life not crying because he is depressed. I must keep reminding myself that I am the only one that can make me happy. I have been Putting that weight of making me happy on his shoulders and doesn't need that extra stress right now. 

He also may be very very low in testosterone. His brother just got checked and his was low and he had to get treatment. He needs to feel like a man again. The bread winner, the protector, the hero. I'm sure he is depressed that he is no longer possesses those qualities anymore.

We shall see.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"How do you deal with a depressed spouse?"

My husband is depressed and a recovering alcoholic. I dealt with his depression and alcohol by dishing out a ultimatum after yrs of putting up with it. Either get help or I'm gone. I just don't take to kindly to people putting off or projecting their behaviors onto me, whatever it is they can't seem to deal with or get past. Life is to short to be miserable or live with misery, either get help or get to steppin'. There comes a time when you just have to know your self worth and know you no longer deserve to be someone else's emotional/mental punching bag, thats just how I see it though.


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## 3kids (May 15, 2012)

How do you deal with a depressed spouse? The depressed spouse has to understand that help is needed. I personally have dealt with depression over the last few years. I had developed this depression from losing a job and the stress of being a stay-at-home Dad of three beautiful little girls all of ages 8,5, and 4 as well as my wife starting a business during this time. 

My depression started in 2009 when I lost a job due to the economy and not to mention being married to a wife that was emotionally distant and of who did not understand what was going on with me. Her only concern was for her own well being; her business and for the children. 

My depression climaxed in December of 2011 when I started to have suicidal ideation. Then in January of 2012 I confronted my wife after an argument and indicated that I really need some help for I am not myself. She asked my what was wrong and I indicated that I have been thinking of suicide and I believe that I have depression. Well, my wife's candid response was nasty...she asked me, "Why would you be thinking of killing yourself?!!" Of course, she had no idea of how I was feeling. It was terrible. 

So, on that day, we both went to the mental health hospital and I admitted myself for intensive outpatient treatment. I made it through successfully and came out ahead by learning the cognitive approach to dealing with depression. 

After a few months, I landed a new job and only lasted 1 month. The employer indicated that I wasn't a good fit and they let me go. With me losing my job, my wife indicated that I was an embarassment and I lost any and all support from this woman that I married for ten wasted years. As a result, our relationship started heading downhill...all of her time was spent on Facebook and her business. She indicated that she will do everything to succeed in her business instead of working hard on her marriage. Something to be said with three kids hanging in the balance. 

For me, I have depression, not in the form of not getting out of bed or drinking alcohol. My depression came from a bad few years of employment, a very shallow, controlling and berating wife. Now we are in the midst of divorce. I attempted suicide and was saved by my conscience. I ended up in a mental health hospital of which I learned a great deal from. 

The way in which you deal with a depressed spouse is situational. There are those that are depressed that don't want help. There are those in my case that wanted help so bad in order to save his marriage and to get back on track to a quality of life that I so desire for me, my wife and my kids. In my case, it did no good for my marriage and quality of life have been affected by my future ex wife filing for divorce in May of 2012. My kids have been affected and they are torn between Mommy and Daddy. When I drop them off after my weekends with them, they run after my car yelling, "Daddy I love you!" over and over again until they are spent standing in the street until I am out of sight. I am very saddened at the fact that my wife wants a divorce from a great Dad to his children and future great husband to be again. 

Anyway, back on the subject of how to deal with a depressed spouse. The first thing to do is to get involved. YOU HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN UNDERSTANDING WHAT DEPRESSION IS and how it is treated both through coginitive and medicinal purposes. I cannot state enough that if you want to succeed you have to get your better half the help they need. It may be calling the police department if suicidal thoughts are mentioned for they will take them in to the hospital and may transfer them to a mental health facility to get the help that is needed. The state you live in may force this due to sucidal ideation. 

As a person that is dealing with a depressed spouse, you really have to have an understanding of the mental health issue that your husband or wife is going through. If you do not establish this understanding, your reactions to the behavior can affect the depressed individual negatively and will cause more harm to their current depressed state. Depression can be managed with the right mindset. As a team, understand the depression characteristics and just understand that some of the actions that depressed person conveys is just depression talking. I can back this up for I was not the same person over the course of the last 2 years of our marriage. My wife lost the man that she married and now she thinks that I am the person that I became with depression.

Overall, just get involved and be supportive. It will only help in the long run in many ways. Love and support is needed. 

Well, best of luck. There are a lot of resources on the Internet for getting help. Group therapy may be the best solution for it will aide in having others in a similar circumstance to be of support. If at all possible, both husband and wife should attend in order to achieve the best support possible. 

As for me, my divorce is coming up in a few days. I was in bad shape as a result and my wife has indicated that the divorce will happen. I prayed and begged for reconciliation in order to restore our marriage over years of hard work and determination. I don't know what else to do other than play the cards that I have been dealt. Divorce is a selfish and childish way to end a marriage and a family. That said, please don't give up in helping each other through good and bad times and through good and BAD HEALTH instead of divorce. Divorce is never a good thing especially with children involved. 

All the best to all marriages!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Endless:
You need to do something for you and your sanity. Get involved in a charity, volunteer, ala-non?, etc.. It may be time for you to just take care of you!


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## MTD (Apr 30, 2008)

3kids said:


> As a person that is dealing with a depressed spouse, you really have to have an understanding of the mental health issue that your husband or wife is going through. If you do not establish this understanding, your reactions to the behavior can affect the depressed individual negatively and will cause more harm to their current depressed state. Depression can be managed with the right mindset. As a team, understand the depression characteristics and just understand that some of the actions that depressed person conveys is just depression talking. I can back this up for I was not the same person over the course of the last 2 years of our marriage. My wife lost the man that she married and now she thinks that I am the person that I became with depression.
> 
> Overall, just get involved and be supportive. It will only help in the long run in many ways. Love and support is needed.


3Kids: Fantastic advice and a valuable perspective from a depressed spouse!

EndlessGrief: Your spouse needs help - sounds like a dual diagnosis to me: alcohol dependance and depression/?. There is only so much you can do for someone who is 'stuck' in a downward spiral. Focus on what you have control over: your reactions-think 'the butterfly effect,' your actions and your level of support to give to him. I've been in a similar situation to yours though different in many ways, but I can relate and I know how hard it is to live with someone who is depressed and checked-out. 

Best of luck as you go through this.

Married-To-Depression


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## Lonerman (Sep 19, 2012)

Let me discuss this from the point of view of a depressed spouse, a role I know all too well. I suffered from low-level clinical depression since childhood, though it had been misdiagnosed as an anxiety disorder. The funny thing about these low-level depressions is that you think you are normal, a bit grim perhaps, but normal nonetheless so you try to function, you try to have a life, and you find it overwhelming.

My poor wife stood by me during the first twelve years of our marriage, leaving me once for two years, during which I finally received proper treatment, got my life on track. I even went to law school. While in law school, we reconciled. She and the children returned to me. I thought everything would be good and new, that the past would remain in the past. At least that was what we told each other when we decided to give it another go.

What I did not count on was the damage done to my wife during that period. Was she abused? No. Did I cheat? No. Was she neglected? Yes. Our finances were very bad, and she felt the burden of the children, that I was no where to be found, and that was every bit as overwhelming as my own distress, yet I was blind to it. This led to mental and emotional abuse as her frustration grew, which only worsened my own condition and led to a horrible cycle that could only be broken when we split.

The problem under such circumstances, even when you tell yourself that the past is in the past is that it is never in the past. The past is merely prologue to what is happening today. In spite of the strides I have made in my life, and the successes that I can point to as real change and growth, whenever there is a stress--financial, family, etc.--we are back in the bad old days, arguing about things that happened years and years ago.

Both of you have suffered through all this and neither one of you can change what happened, or did not happen. Moreover, you cannot make up for it, either. All you can do is work on yourself, encourage your spouse to work on himself, look for growth and change in yourself and your spouse, accept that bad things happened in the past, and that your spouse is not intentionally out to get you, remind yourself on a daily basis why you are still (or are getting back) together, and keep looking forward.


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## Energumedo (Sep 22, 2012)

*Depressed and Anxiety*

I have been with my girlfriend for about 3 1/2 years, she is a wonderful person, but she used to check my emails, my phone to the point I had to say something, and we end up in arguments. I have never given her any reason to believe I am cheating on her. If I come back from work tired and I want to have some rest for a little while, she will complaint why are not talking to her. She works as a community carer, She rings sick most of the time because she is nauseous, or muscle pain etc. , she complaints to the management about the work is too hard. But what really make me frustrated is when she rings at work hysterical and crying, and I thought this was an emergency and it turned out that she found some traces I have been looking naked women over the Internet, I explained that this is not a precatice from me and it happend in a blue moon, but at that time she had already called my family, my friends, her family and her friends about it. That made me feel so angry, because that can be discussed and sort with me. When I talk to her normally I am to loud, when I address any issue about us or the house, she says I am been nasty.
She has been diagnosed with Anxiety, she will not look for help, what she does is to see friends have some drinks, some marihuana etc... baecause this relax her.
Now I am already to loose my cool and tolerance and she is saying to me that I am nasty. I don't know what to do anymore, please any advice is welcome.

Thanks


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