# What do you most want from your husband?



## jld

I want a deep, deep emotional connection. I want total understanding.

Someone put a cartoon recently in Social that had a woman sitting on a couch next to her husband, saying "I can't believe you haven't heard a single thing I have been thinking." . Oh, my gosh. That is me to a T!

Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations of my husband. It is like I want a mind and spirit meld, two people just merging into one. It probably is just not realistic to expect the level of harmony I desire in a relationship.

How about you, ladies? What do you want most from your husbands?


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## SecondTime'Round

jld said:


> I want a deep, deep emotional connection. I want total understanding.
> 
> *Someone put a cartoon recently in Social that had a woman sitting on a couch next to her husband, saying "I can't believe you haven't heard a single thing I have been thinking." . Oh, my gosh. That is me to a T!*
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations of my husband. It is like I want a mind and spirit meld, two people just merging into one. It probably is just not realistic to expect the level of harmony I desire in a relationship.
> 
> How about you, ladies? What do you want most from your husbands?


Hahaha! I love that .

RESPECT
Emotional Connection
Physical Affection apart from sex


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## jld

What would respect look like to you, STR?


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## Brigit

I want him to be around more. For many, many, many, years his elderly mom lived nearby and he was with her A LOT. His parents adopted him when they were older so when we met in our 20's they were already pretty old. This caused so much aggravation in our marriage. She was the OW. I cannot tell you how much stress this put on our relationship, our engagement our wedding planning and our marriage. Recently, she moved to another state to live with her daughter. 

So my MIL has been away for about a month and my husband is like a new man. I just like to spend time with him. That's all I want.


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## jld

Brigit said:


> I want him to be around more. For many, many, many, years his elderly mom lived nearby and he was with her A LOT. His parents adopted him when they were older so when we met in our 20's they were already pretty old. This caused so much aggravation in our marriage. She was the OW. I cannot tell you how much stress this put on our relationship, our engagement our wedding planning and our marriage. Recently, she moved to another state to live with her daughter.
> 
> So my MIL has been away for about a month and my husband is like a new man. I just like to spend time with him. That's all I want.


Wow, that is not even asking much. You are easy to please, Brigit!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I want a lot. I'll start with the basics:

More help around the house, cooking and cleaning. More attention to the family budget, the inner workings of managing a household. 

Emotionally, I want tenderness. For him to gently brush the hair out of my face and softly touch my cheek. Soft, gentle hugs (that don't have the reach around butt grab) Just gentle touching in general.

For him to not brush off my emotions and feelings like they are silly little things. To pay attention to my words. To not think everything is a power challenge that he has to win and to just do what I asked because he loves me and trusts me and it's ok to give in. 

To spend more time working on the actions that will make me feel loved.


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## thatbpguy

I probably shouldn't be in this thread, but what does a woman mean by a "deep emotional connection"? Men are neither deep or emotional.


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## SecondTime'Round

jld said:


> What would respect look like to you, STR?


For starters, committing to never calling me the C word, ever.


Recognizing my strengths
Wanting me to excel and being supportive 
Understanding that we have different interests and just because you don't have the same interest/hobby as me, doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong
Not talking down to me in a crude way
Not cheating on me
Being proud of me and what I bring to the relationship
Wanting to be IN my life (i.e. with my family, friends, etc.)
Just treating me like you like me and not with contempt and disdain


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## SecondTime'Round

thatbpguy said:


> I probably shouldn't be in this thread, but what does a woman mean by a "deep emotional connection"? Men are neither deep or emotional.


I've met men who are both of these.


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## thatbpguy

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've met men who are both of these.


Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? Believe me, there's a difference.


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## jld

thatbpguy said:


> Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? Believe me, there's a difference.


bpguy, I would appreciate some respect for the ladies speaking on my thread.


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## thatbpguy

jld said:


> bpguy, I would appreciate some respect for the ladies speaking on my thread.


Yes, mam. :scratchhead:


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## SecondTime'Round

thatbpguy said:


> Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? Believe me, there's a difference.


I'm not even claiming to have dated many men like this, but I do know them. They exist.

However, I did date one man like this. He was an amazing communicator. And, he actually was quite feminine, but not gay as far as I know. (If he was, he was firmly in the closet in his late 40's/never married). He's one of the nicest, kindest men I've ever met.

Oh, and ETA: Our relationship ending had nothing to do with him tiring of having sex with me. I ended the relationship and, sadly, broke his heart.


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## Adeline

during our rocky end, I too had wanted an emotional connection with him, and also affection.

He was good at affection before that time, and was better at an emotional connection too but that was probably always slightly lacking.

Now in a future partner I would want most someone who has a sensitivity to my emotions and has a comforting and nurturing nature towards me at least, even if they themselves are kind of rough and not so emotional. Also affectionate, a healthy sexual desire (maybe borderline high drive), and a drive for equality in decisions and in the relationship. A real partnership, and a real friendship. Yup!


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## thatbpguy

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm not even claiming to have dated many men like this, but I do know them. They exist.
> 
> However, I did date one man like this. He was an amazing communicator. And, he actually was quite feminine, but not gay as far as I know. (If he was, he was firmly in the closet in his late 40's/never married). He's one of the nicest, kindest men I've ever met.


Please don't misunderstand me. Wifey and I spend incredible time together. After 12 years of marriage we constantly hold hands, snuggle each and every night and morning in bed (oh yes we do!) and just like being around each other. But guys don't really think in such terms as "deep emotional connection" and I was just wondering what that meant to a woman.


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## SecondTime'Round

thatbpguy said:


> Please don't misunderstand me. Wifey and I spend incredible time together. After 12 years of marriage we constantly hold hands, snuggle each and every night and morning in bed (oh yes we do!) and just like being around each other. But guys don't really think in such terms as "deep emotional connection" and I was just wondering what that meant to a woman.


To me it means communication. Being willing to participate in it, but even better if the man is capable of initiating talks about how he's feeling about our relationship, what his wants and needs are in a relationship--and in life, how he feels about issues in the world, etc. That's what it means to me.


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## thatbpguy

SecondTime'Round said:


> To me it means communication. Being willing to participate in it, but even better if the man is capable of initiating talks about how he's feeling about our relationship, what his wants and needs are in a relationship--and in life, how he feels about issues in the world, etc. That's what it means to me.


That runs contrary to a man's general nature. I'm sure you've seen the short video, "It's Not About The Nail". We're more fixers and that sort.


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## samyeagar

thatbpguy said:


> Please don't misunderstand me. Wifey and I spend incredible time together. After 12 years of marriage we constantly hold hands, snuggle each and every night and morning in bed (oh yes we do!) and just like being around each other. *But guys don't really think in such terms as "deep emotional connection"* and I was just wondering what that meant to a woman.


Speak for yourself dude, and no, I'm not gay.

I like this thread...makes me feel like a pretty good husband


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## pragmaster

Everybody is different dude. 

I've had to take serious amounts of psychadelics and do some intense meditation to break the habitual "man mentality", and to get closer to shiva; the goddess within! Every day is a battle against the ego my friend. 

I think men that are the stoic, strong silent type, or really ANYBODY that is not in tune with their emotions has some sort of problem they need to deal with (usually stemming from childhood). Emotions are what make us human. I get tired of working or dealing with men with inflated ego's. **** em'. 

That being said, it's pretty cute and pretty typical what most women want. I hear it over and over again. It's do-able and not difficult at all. I'd love to get married again and be able to provide that. Most guys end up taking their relationships for granted. A lot of guys just don't understand the really simple **** until it's too late. 

All of that being said, I think women might be surprised to find out what their husbands want from them. I've heard the complete opposite things from some guys, but then again, marriage is not for everyone. 

Not being negative or trying to be the devils advocate, just a comment that came to mind.


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## thatbpguy

samyeagar said:


> speak for yourself dude, and no, i'm not gay.
> 
> I like this thread...makes me feel like a pretty good husband


oooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.


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## Giro flee

I need and receive respect from my husband. Understanding that I am a complete person with worthwhile skills and thoughts. None of the men I knew when growing up were like this, I really didn't think it was possible.


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## quiesedba

Giro flee said:


> I need and receive respect from my husband. Understanding that I am a complete person with worthwhile skills and thoughts. None of the men I knew when growing up were like this, I really didn't think it was possible.


its not


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## Faithful Wife

thatbpguy said:


> I probably shouldn't be in this thread, but what does a woman mean by a "deep emotional connection"? Men are neither deep or emotional.


Mine is. And if I wasn't, he would have rejected me from the start.


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## Faithful Wife

thatbpguy said:


> Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? Believe me, there's a difference.


No, mine isn't gay, and yes, he has stayed that way throughout our 11 years together.


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## Faithful Wife

thatbpguy said:


> Please don't misunderstand me. Wifey and I spend incredible time together. After 12 years of marriage we constantly hold hands, snuggle each and every night and morning in bed (oh yes we do!) and just like being around each other. *But guys don't really think in such terms as "deep emotional connection*" and I was just wondering what that meant to a woman.


It was one of the first things my husband and I talked about.

How the lack of it in a relationship is something we'd never tolerate.


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## GusPolinski

thatbpguy said:


> I probably shouldn't be in this thread, but what does a woman mean by a "deep emotional connection"? *Men are neither deep or emotional.*


Speak for yourself, sir.


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## kag123

jld said:


> I want a deep, deep emotional connection. I want total understanding.
> 
> Someone put a cartoon recently in Social that had a woman sitting on a couch next to her husband, saying "I can't believe you haven't heard a single thing I have been thinking." . Oh, my gosh. That is me to a T!
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations of my husband. It is like I want a mind and spirit meld, two people just merging into one. It probably is just not realistic to expect the level of harmony I desire in a relationship.
> 
> How about you, ladies? What do you want most from your husbands?


What I want most is exactly the same thing you want most. 

I struggle with asking myself whether my desires are unreasonable or whether he's incapable of giving me what I want. I think it's a bit of both. 

You can't change someone and I tend to agree that for MOST men emotional connection does not come to them naturally in the same vain it does for women. 

What emotional connection would look like to me is:

- being in synch with me, paying attention to the subtlety of how I am feeling (a woman can usually tell immediately if someone she is close to is having a bad day, for example). Nurture me based on your attention to my mood. (Be kind and soft when you see I am feeling sad or having a rough time, offer to talk if you think I have something on my mind)

- Pay attention to how your own words or LACK OF words affects me and your kids. There are times when kids need praise, encouragement, gentle correction and teaching and they may not come right out and ask for it. It requires emotional intelligence to pick up on this. Being stone silent all of the time can translate to disinterest. Your job shouldn't solely be the enforcer who yells and threatens when they do something bad. They need positive verbal interaction with you too. 

- Seek to find out my dreams. My hopes. My fears. My deepest desires. You should want to know what I perceive as my weaknesses so you can help me in those areas. You should want to know what I dream for my future and share your dreams as well so we can mold our goals to something mutually satisfying. Just because we are married it does not mean you have nothing new to learn about me, and the desire to learn should be there. 

- helping to carry the "emotional labor" of running the house hold. (This is a term stolen from a NYT article) Help me to maintain our social life, make plans with our friends or follow up on invitations for me. Make play dates for our kids. Help me remember important dates like school activities, birthdays, etc. Pick up a card for those occasions once in awhile on your own, or suggest a gift idea to help me out. Take phone calls from your family and just listen to your mom when she needs an ear to give me a break from having to be the emotional sponge once in awhile. 

- I deal with chronic illness. Ask me how I'm feeling once in awhile. Ask me how my doctors appointments are going. Take an interest in what medications I am taking and why. Ask me if there is anything you can do to help me, help me look into alternative therapies...


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## Holland

I've pretty much got what I want, big, sexy, intelligent and very loving man.

We have our moments but he is a powerhouse, he keeps us on track, his EQ is extremely high.

We laugh, we cook together, we cycle, go to movies, bands, local plays. 
We both love the footy (different teams) so we watch it most weekends. We spend a lot of time just hanging out.

What I want from him though is for him to tell his crazy EX to f.ck off


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## DangerousCurves

_Honesty would be a good start...._


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## Holland

DangerousCurves said:


> _Honesty would be a good start...._


Honesty is an absolute must have, there is no relationship for me without it.


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## GusPolinski

Holland said:


> Honesty is an absolute must have, there is no relationship for me without it.


Honesty -- along w/ transparency... which I guess would be a sort of hyper-honesty -- builds trust, and trust is the cornerstone of _*every single relationship*_ that each of us has w/ others.


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## Faithful Wife

They call that radical honesty.


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## GettingIt_2

I want him to accept me, warts and all. 

Trouble is, I have a hard time doing the same for him. I wish I could be happy with having a good, honest man who works hard and has integrity. 

But I want him to make me feel appreciated in ways that matter to me. I end up feeling guilty and bossy when I get crabby because he disappoints me. I don't know how to express my feelings without seeming ungrateful or unloving or like I want him to be someone he's not. 

I feel like I can either keep my feelings about being disappointed bottled up inside where they turn into resentment, or I can find a way to not feel those things in the first place. I'm working on the latter, but it's hard. 

That deep emotional connection works for us to a degree, but sometimes the radical honesty causes hurt, too. Because sometimes you want more than the other person can possibly give.


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## MEM2020

Gus,

It seems many folks get off track because it is often easier 'in the moment' to spare your partners feelings at the expense of being unfiltered. 

There are a number of ways to encourage radical honesty. 

One of them is to give someone permission to take the fifth in the moment. 

Nothing toxic about saying - don't want to talk about that right now. 

Most folks can handle a tell me the truth or take the fifth model. 









GusPolinski said:


> Honesty -- along w/ transparency... which I guess would be a sort of hyper-honesty -- builds trust, and trust is the cornerstone of _*every single relationship*_ that each of us has w/ others.


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## GusPolinski

Faithful Wife said:


> They call that radical honesty.


Eh... I've always thought _radical_ honesty to be more along the lines of "...no, your ass makes it look too small."


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## Faithful Wife

I'm not sure I would give someone the allowance to take the fifth. Depends on what the question or topic was.


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## GusPolinski

MEM11363 said:


> Gus,
> 
> It seems many folks get off track because it is often easier 'in the moment' to spare your partners feelings at the expense of being unfiltered.
> 
> There are a number of ways to encourage radical honesty.
> 
> One of them is to give someone permission to take the fifth in the moment.
> 
> Nothing toxic about saying - don't want to talk about that right now.
> 
> Most folks can handle a tell me the truth or take the fifth model.


I'm cool w/ that just so long as it doesn't turn into a prolonged -- or worse, permanent -- "I don't want to talk about it".


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## Faithful Wife

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... I've always thought _radical_ honesty to be more along the lines of "...no, your ass makes it look too small."


Here's where I have found my understanding of radical honesty.

Not saying everyone can or should do this, but I do try to.

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Boiled down to the basics, it means that if you are developing a crush on a co-worker, you should tell your spouse, because this could definitely affect their life and your marriage. That's just one example.

If you are losing attraction to your spouse because they are gaining weight, you should tell them because this could affect their life and your marriage. 

It doesn't mean you have to say it all mean, that's _brutal_ honesty. You can still say it in a direct but caring way.


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## jld

Faithful Wife said:


> Here's where I have found my understanding of radical honesty.
> 
> Not saying everyone can or should do this, but I do try to.
> 
> The Policy of Radical Honesty
> 
> Boiled down to the basics, it means that if you are developing a crush on a co-worker, you should tell your spouse, because this could definitely affect their life and your marriage. That's just one example.
> 
> If you are losing attraction to your spouse because they are gaining weight, you should tell them because this could affect their life and your marriage.
> 
> It doesn't mean you have to say it all mean, that's _brutal_ honesty. You can still say it in a direct but caring way.


I get mad at Dug about all sorts of things. But one thing I am really grateful for is being able to tell him anything, and I do mean anything, and knowing that there will not be any unbearable consequences.


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## GettingIt_2

jld said:


> I get mad at Dug about all sorts of things. But one thing I am really grateful for is being able to tell him anything, and I do mean anything, and knowing that there will not be any unbearable consequences.


What would be an example of an unbearable consequence, jld?


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## jld

GettingIt said:


> What would be an example of an unbearable consequence, jld?


He is not going to leave me, or do something mean to me, or say anything purposely hurtful.


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## EleGirl

a thought 

*Instead of using sex to build connection, let sex be a fully embodied expression of already-present connection. *

When you want to have sex when you are not very connected to the other, turn your attention to your emotional state and do what it takes to bring that into your heart.


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## NewLife2017

I just want to matter to him.


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## jld

newlife2017 said:


> i just want to matter to him.


(((nl2017)))


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## GettingIt_2

jld said:


> He is not going to leave me, or do something mean to me, or say anything purposely hurtful.


Yes, that would put a kibosh on radical honesty for most people. 

I struggle with wanting to be radically honest, but also wanting to choose the outcome of my honesty. I feel like a fraud when I decline to be radically honest because I don't want to deal with him not agreeing with or "getting" what I'm saying. 

It can take a lot of courage to be radically honest and even if the consequences aren't horrible, sometimes if they don't rise to a certain level of acceptability, I balk.


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## EleGirl

SecondTime'Round said:


> To me it means communication. Being willing to participate in it, but even better if the man is capable of initiating talks about how he's feeling about our relationship, what his wants and needs are in a relationship--and in life, how he feels about issues in the world, etc. That's what it means to me.





thatbpguy said:


> That runs contrary to a man's general nature. I'm sure you've seen the short video, "It's Not About The Nail". We're more fixers and that sort.


That video is funny, to a point. Sure there are some women who go on and on like the dingbat in that video. 

Women are fixers too. We fix things in our lives all the time, on our own. When we talk to our spouse/SO about something that is bothering us it is because we value and respect his input. Some empathy is nice. We bounce ideas off the other person. If we want help in fixing the problem we will ask.

If a male friend of yours (generic male "you") came to you to bounce ideas off you for a problem he has, do you try to fix it for him? Do you get upset with him if he does not solve the problem exactly in the manner you suggest? Or would you show him the respect of listening to him and give him input; but let him solve his own issues?


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## EleGirl

Giro flee said:


> I need and receive respect from my husband. Understanding that I am a complete person with worthwhile skills and thoughts. None of the men I knew when growing up were like this, I really didn't think it was possible.





quiesedba said:


> its not


Why is it not?


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## jld

GettingIt said:


> Yes, that would put a kibosh on radical honesty for most people.
> 
> I struggle with wanting to be radically honest, but also wanting to choose the outcome of my honesty. I feel like a fraud when I decline to be radically honest because I don't want to deal with him not agreeing with or "getting" what I'm saying.
> 
> It can take a lot of courage to be radically honest and even if the consequences aren't horrible, sometimes if they don't rise to a certain level of acceptability, I balk.


Understandable. I got pretty mad at Dug last night when I did not get the response I wanted about something. We talked about it a little this morning, and will talk some more tonight. We need to find a resolution that is going to satisfy both of us.

GI, I think we all have control issues. Some of us are higher on the scale, some are lower. But we all have them.

I think you are lots better at controlling your emotions than I am. I think it makes your marriage easier, at least short term, when you do that. But I, too, wonder if it is sustainable.


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## GettingIt_2

jld said:


> Understandable. I got pretty mad at Dug last night when I did not get the response I wanted about something. We talked about it a little this morning, and will talk some more tonight. We need to find a resolution that is going to satisfy both of us.
> 
> GI, I think we all have control issues. Some of us are higher on the scale, some are lower. But we all have them.
> 
> I think you are lots better at controlling your emotions than I am. I think it makes your marriage easier, at least short term, when you do that. But I, too, wonder if it is sustainable.


It's not sustainable; been there, done that. 

And it's not controlling my emotions that is the problem--I'm not someone who yells or swears or comes unhinged easily. But I will stuff my emotions and try to find a way around my pain on my own. I do this if I don't think I'm going to get satisfaction from my honesty. I think you plow ahead with getting your emotions out, outcome be damned, lol.


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## jld

GettingIt said:


> It's not sustainable; been there, done that.
> 
> And it's not controlling my emotions that is the problem--I'm not someone who yells or swears or comes unhinged easily. But I will stuff my emotions and try to find a way around my pain on my own. I do this if I don't think I'm going to get satisfaction from my honesty. I think you plow ahead with getting your emotions out, outcome be damned, lol.


You know me too well. 

How do you think you could get satisfaction from your honesty? Have you found some things that have been helpful?


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## GettingIt_2

jld said:


> You know me too well.
> 
> How do you think you could get satisfaction from your honesty? Have you found some things that have been helpful?


Yeah, when he says, "You're right." :rofl:


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## GusPolinski

EleGirl said:


> Why is it not?


I'd let that sleeping dog lie, Ele.


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## Anon1111

GettingIt said:


> I want him to accept me, warts and all.
> 
> Trouble is, I have a hard time doing the same for him. I wish I could be happy with having a good, honest man who works hard and has integrity.
> 
> But I want him to make me feel appreciated in ways that matter to me. I end up feeling guilty and bossy when I get crabby because he disappoints me. I don't know how to express my feelings without seeming ungrateful or unloving or like I want him to be someone he's not.
> 
> I feel like I can either keep my feelings about being disappointed bottled up inside where they turn into resentment, or I can find a way to not feel those things in the first place. I'm working on the latter, but it's hard.
> 
> That deep emotional connection works for us to a degree, but sometimes the radical honesty causes hurt, too. Because sometimes you want more than the other person can possibly give.


I think this is a cool post. Really honest.

Here is a thought. You may have already considered this.

you say you want him to make you feel a certain way. Maybe it's just the words you used, but I wonder whether the expectation that he should make you feel a certain way is off.

Do you give him the power over how you feel? Do you expect him to prop you up?

Maybe you don't. Just thought it might be worth considering.


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## SecondTime'Round

Holland said:


> I've pretty much got what I want, big, sexy, intelligent and very loving man.
> 
> We have our moments but he is a powerhouse, he keeps us on track, his EQ is extremely high.
> 
> We laugh, we cook together, we cycle, go to movies, bands, local plays.
> We both love the footy (different teams) so we watch it most weekends. We spend a lot of time just hanging out.
> 
> What I want from him though is for him to tell his crazy EX to f.ck off


I want your man.

What makes his ex crazy?


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## SecondTime'Round

jld said:


> He is not going to leave me, or do something mean to me, or say anything purposely hurtful.


THIS. This is what every relationship needs, and I call it trust. I've never had this with anyone.


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## GettingIt_2

Anon1111 said:


> I think this is a cool post. Really honest.
> 
> Here is a thought. You may have already considered this.
> 
> you say you want him to make you feel a certain way. Maybe it's just the words you used, but I wonder whether the expectation that he should make you feel a certain way is off.
> 
> Do you give him the power over how you feel? Do you expect him to prop you up?
> 
> Maybe you don't. Just thought it might be worth considering.


Yeah, I'm sure the expectation for him to make me feel a certain way is off. But I think everyone wants to feel appreciated, to feel special in a way that really speaks to them. I don't want him to hoop jump; I want him to want to because he knows how great it would make me feel. 

It seems like the very things I need in order to feel like that are the things he can't do without a ton of discomfort. 

Anyway, didn't mean to threadjack. Apologies to the OP.


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## Faithful Wife

No way is this a threadjack, GettingIt. You are describing the very crux of a large problem for a lot of couples. This sh*t is hard.


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## MEM2020

Gus,

Yes - open ended - that's avoidance. Not good. 

But watch how helpful this model is. I ask - M2 ducks. So now I know she's afraid of how I'm going to react. 

When I revisit this - I might say: If you wish to unburden yourself of whatever is on your mind I'm here, and I'm sure whatever it is will be ok. 

The thing is - it's easy for me to be non judgmental about how she feels. And knowing how she feels, sometimes makes it easier to softly steer how she's acting....

But I like how you made a clear distinction between honesty and transparency. 

I'll push her a bit when she's gas lighting me. But the pushing is to discourage her from saying stuff that's out of whack with what she's doing. I might say: if you aren't comfortable talking about this right now - that's really ok. 

But I try to resist the urge to push for greater transparency. Instead I try to create an environment where transparency feels like a safe option and naturally happens. 






GusPolinski said:


> I'm cool w/ that just so long as it doesn't turn into a prolonged -- or worse, permanent -- "I don't want to talk about it".


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## MEM2020

GettingIt,

It's called radical for a reason. I'm way better at accepting it than giving it. 





GettingIt said:


> Yes, that would put a kibosh on radical honesty for most people.
> 
> I struggle with wanting to be radically honest, but also wanting to choose the outcome of my honesty. I feel like a fraud when I decline to be radically honest because I don't want to deal with him not agreeing with or "getting" what I'm saying.
> 
> It can take a lot of courage to be radically honest and even if the consequences aren't horrible, sometimes if they don't rise to a certain level of acceptability, I balk.


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## GusPolinski

MEM11363 said:


> Gus,
> 
> Yes - open ended - that's avoidance. Not good.
> 
> But watch how helpful this model is. I ask - M2 ducks. So now I know she's afraid of how I'm going to react.
> 
> When I revisit this - I might say: If you wish to unburden yourself of whatever is on your mind I'm here, and I'm sure whatever it is will be ok.
> 
> The thing is - it's easy for me to be non judgmental about how she feels. And knowing how she feels, sometimes makes it easier to softly steer how she's acting....
> 
> But I like how you made a clear distinction between honesty and transparency.
> 
> I'll push her a bit when she's gas lighting me. But the pushing is to discourage her from saying stuff that's out of whack with what she's doing. I might say: if you aren't comfortable talking about this right now - that's really ok.
> 
> But I try to resist the urge to push for greater transparency. Instead I try to create an environment where transparency feels like a safe option and naturally happens.


Sometimes it's all in how you choose to frame the question or statement that kicks off the discussion. Where it gets sort of tricky is in maintaining the flow. Controlling your volume and tone, choosing your words somewhat diplomatically, and being prepared to backpedal -- and reassure as needed -- a bit if the shields start coming up.

And I'm with you on transparency... it _should_ come naturally. It's sort of like getting key nutrients, vitamins, minerals, etc via diet vs diet... and then supplements; the former is almost always preferable to the latter.

But if you're not getting what you feel you need, you can't be afraid to ask for it. Or at least discuss _why_ it's not coming naturally.


----------



## jld

GettingIt said:


> Yeah, when he says, "You're right." :rofl:


 Yep, that's the "mutually satisfying resolution" I am looking for tonight, too.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I don't think I've EVER heard the words "you're right" after issuing a complaint. EVER.

Maybe later, like after several more discussions. And my concerns do usually get addressed. Some things take days, months, weeks or years though to get fully resolved...and then there are some problems in marriage that will never be resolved (I learned that one in a Gottman book, jld!)

I would say I'm fine with radical honesty...but that doesn't mean he's fine with receiving it. It is very hard for some people to handle any negativity from someone else. I tell him anyway, and I will usually in the long term get the response or change I'm seeking...but in that first delivery of the honesty phase, no, almost never.

I've been working on NVC to learn how to be honest without using certain words or hitting certain key triggers that I know will cause him to have a hard time hearing me without feeling defensive. It is really hard, though. 

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi: 8580001045115: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## GusPolinski

My wife is often correct.

That just means that we agree.

:smthumbup:


----------



## tracyishere

I really just want to be respected.


----------



## MEM2020

Gus,
That last bit - unmet needs - that's just an inherently difficult conversation. 

Most of those 'needs' map back to the same underlying drive. The drive to feel important. And the more you have to ask for your partner to do stuff to meet that need, the less important you feel when they do it. 

Once I have made it known something's important to me - if I have to press to get it - that defeats the whole point. 

But since we're talking about radical honesty I have an entertaining paradox. 

It's important to M2 that we are emotionally in synch with regard to friends and family. So when she's mad at the kids it causes her distress if I'm not. And the more out of synch we are, the more distressed she is. 

So M2 gets mad at me for not being (as) mad at our kids - as she is. That used to result in us fighting. Not any more though. 

Now I just say: I am sorry I don't feel the same way as you right now. I am however firmly on your side.

Then I do that Mohamed Ali rope a dope thing and let M2 (virtually) punch herself to exhaustion....

But the key thing here is I understand and accept that this lack of being in synch upsets her. What previously might have been a whole day blowout - is now 5 minutes of 'rope a dope' and done. 

Happens maybe once every couple of months. 




GusPolinski said:


> Sometimes it's all in how you choose to frame the question or statement that kicks off the discussion. Where it gets sort of tricky is in maintaining the flow. Controlling your volume and tone, choosing your words somewhat diplomatically, and being prepared to backpedal -- and reassure as needed -- a bit if the shields start coming up.
> 
> And I'm with you on transparency... it _should_ come naturally. It's sort of like getting key nutrients, vitamins, minerals, etc via diet vs diet... and then supplements; the former is almost always preferable to the latter.
> 
> But if you're not getting what you feel you need, you can't be afraid to ask for it. Or at least discuss _why_ it's not coming naturally.


----------



## EleGirl

MEM11363 said:


> Most of those 'needs' map back to the same underlying drive. The drive to feel important. And the more you have to ask for your partner to do stuff to meet that need, the less important you feel when they do it.
> 
> Once I have made it known something's important to me - if I have to press to get it - that defeats the whole point.


:iagree:


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

MEM11363 said:


> Most of those 'needs' map back to the same underlying drive. The drive to feel important. And the more you have to ask for your partner to do stuff to meet that need, the less important you feel when they do it.
> 
> Once I have made it known something's important to me - if I have to press to get it - that defeats the whole point.
> .


OMG yes. This is like my whole freaken marriage.


----------



## NotEasy

jld said:


> I want a deep, deep emotional connection. I want total understanding.
> 
> Someone put a cartoon recently in Social that had a woman sitting on a couch next to her husband, saying "I can't believe you haven't heard a single thing I have been thinking." . Oh, my gosh. That is me to a T!
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations of my husband. It is like I want a mind and spirit meld, two people just merging into one. It probably is just not realistic to expect the level of harmony I desire in a relationship.
> 
> 
> _------------------------------- Signature ------------------
> One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. _-- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man


jld, is what you want in disagreement with your signature? I read the signature to describe the strong silent type.

Not that I have the gender that entitles me to ask questions in the Ladies' Lounge


----------



## jld

NotEasy said:


> jld, is what you want in disagreement with your signature? I read the signature to describe the strong silent type.
> 
> Not that I have the gender that entitles me to ask questions in the Ladies' Lounge


I think his understanding of me is what makes him able to weather my storms. He told me once, "I hear your words, but I know your heart."

I just want an ever deeper understanding, an ever greater harmony. 

Does that seem clearer?


----------



## NotEasy

jld, yes this is clear.

Sadly something I aspire to, rather than achieve. I often stand in the midst of her storm, waiting to know her heart. All the while trying not to listen too intently to her words.


----------



## jld

NotEasy said:


> jld, yes this is clear.
> 
> Sadly something I aspire to, rather than achieve. I often stand in the midst of her storm, waiting to know her heart. All the while trying not to listen too intently to her words.


It is great you aspire to it, NE. Many men do not seem to get that far. 

Very important to not take her words personally, but to still try to understand why she is upset. Gottman said a woman's anger is more helpful for improving a marriage than her compliance. So consider her anger a tool for improving the marriage!

Do you do any sort of empathetic listening with her? Do you seek to study her, observe her, understand her outside of the times she is angry? 

The more knowledge you have of her, the better. Knowledge is power.


----------



## NotEasy

jld said:


> Very important to not take her words personally, but to still try to understand why she is upset. Gottman said a woman's anger is more helpful for improving a marriage than her compliance. So consider her anger a tool for improving the marriage! *Agreed*
> 
> Do you do any sort of empathetic listening with her? *Yes, especially listening to her actions.
> *Do you seek to study her, observe her, understand her outside of the times she is angry? *Yes, much easier then.
> Studying her is my favorite hobby.* *God was good to men, gave us females to watch.*


----------



## Kristisha

I would like him stop saying that I don't pay attention to what he says, or insisisting in expressing my feeling because he ever knows what I'm thinking of. 

And because of this we have numerous fights. I wish he would just let me be.


----------



## Brigit

I want him to eat healthier and exercise more. I worry that I will outlive him and I don't want to. I couldn't imagine being without him.


----------



## farsidejunky

A bit late on the response, but I also crave a deep emotional connection with my wife. My relationship feels empty without it.


----------



## Brigit

I would like for him not to yell at me when I wake him up early for coffee on the weekends. I'm going to wake him up now. I let him sleep late yesterday but we went to bed early and now I'm going to wake him. Hopefully, he won't yell. LOL.


----------



## Kristisha

Brigit said:


> I would like for him not to yell at me when I wake him up early for coffee on the weekends. I'm going to wake him up now. I let him sleep late yesterday but we went to bed early and now I'm going to wake him. Hopefully, he won't yell. LOL.


 Good luck Brigit


----------



## Holland

Brigit said:


> I would like for him not to yell at me when I wake him up early for coffee on the weekends. I'm going to wake him up now. I let him sleep late yesterday but we went to bed early and now I'm going to wake him. Hopefully, he won't yell. LOL.


Why do you wake him? Or have I missed something and this is funny?

We have a Sunday ritual that I adore. He sleeps in till just before 10am, sometimes I do too depending on if we have kids with us. If I am going to get up earlier I do it quietly, he then gets up to watch his business shows and then makes us both our special Sunday cooked brekky, we sit outside to eat and chat.

I rarely get to sleep in and yeah I get pissed if woken for no good reason. The kids have been told numerous times "do not wake me in the morning unless your arse is on fire and even then give it a second thought".


----------



## SimplyAmorous

thatbpguy said:


> I probably shouldn't be in this thread, but what does a woman mean by a "deep emotional connection"? *Men are neither deep or emotional.*





thatbpguy said:


> *Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? *Believe me, there's a difference.


I absolutely (insert swear word here) hate when people TALK LIKE THIS...ya know what..







... just because a Guy shows sensitivity, is tender does not = is he (swear word) GAY. 

I, too have met a # of men who were *DEEP*...and there are different kinds of DEEP.. there are DEEP THINKERS....and DEEP FEELERS....(Introverted melancholy's are often DEEP...a little intense)... Many of these are enjoyable to have a Debate with/ the verbal THINKERS that is ...

As far as *Emotional*.. that word, well.. it's best if a man manages his emotions WELL... and doesn't allow them to override what he set out to do...to WALK LIKE A MAN, to be a "ROCK" for others.... but it's a sign of strength to show those emotions when they will bring healing.. closeness.. to those he loves... 



> _Originally Posted by_* thatbpguy:* Please don't misunderstand me. Wifey and I spend incredible time together. After 12 years of marriage we constantly hold hands, snuggle each and every night and morning in bed (oh yes we do!) and just like being around each other. *But guys don't really think in such terms as "deep emotional connection" and I was just wondering what that meant to a woman.*


 This is not always True....seriously... I married a man who has always cared about the EMOTIONAL connection between us.. if he didn't feel that.. he would not be a happy man.. he would feel something was Amiss... and we needed to find it again.. AND HE WOULD BE RIGHT !! I have always LOVED these things about him... I feel they contribute immensely to my happiness in marriage...

When we met 34 yrs ago...I told him he was different.. he wasn't like the guys just trying to get into pants, immature - a bunch of flirting BS...he just REALLY wanted to get to KNOW ME...to see if we could build something together..... He's always been sensitive *to my feelings*...or he would make it right if he felt he hurt me... always affectionate... 

Although his depth is not something he wears on his sleeve the way I may at times (I've never felt he was emotional -in a negative way ...a "coming unglued way")....but what lies underneath ... for his family.. for me..... it is Rich, DEEP, he expresses in various ways to show us JUST THAT...in actions, helping, words, encouragement, his touch.... his always being there for us.. there is a stability here... we feel very loved.


----------



## Brigit

Holland said:


> Why do you wake him? Or have I missed something and this is funny?
> 
> We have a Sunday ritual that I adore. He sleeps in till just before 10am, sometimes I do too depending on if we have kids with us. If I am going to get up earlier I do it quietly, he then gets up to watch his business shows and then makes us both our special Sunday cooked brekky, we sit outside to eat and chat.
> 
> I rarely get to sleep in and yeah I get pissed if woken for no good reason. The kids have been told numerous times "do not wake me in the morning unless your arse is on fire and even then give it a second thought".


I wake him so I can be with him. We go to bed very early 8:30 pm, so if he sleeps late I don't get too much time to be with him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Brigit said:


> I want him to be around more. For many, many, many, years his elderly mom lived nearby and he was with her A LOT. *His parents adopted him when they were older so when we met in our 20's they were already pretty old. This caused so much aggravation in our marriage. She was the OW. I cannot tell you how much stress this put on our relationship, our engagement our wedding planning and our marriage. Recently, she moved to another state to live with her daughter. *
> 
> So my MIL has been away for about a month and my husband is like a new man. I just like to spend time with him. That's all I want.


 When I hear of stories like this .. I always find it very sad .. as Parents, we need to understand.. our kids have their own lives & families.. When they leave the nest.. .. it will never be the same.. it's about THEM now...and who they choose to bring into their lives.building their own families.. 

I hate the idea of being a burden to my kids in any way.. Only one has flown the nest.. and really I don't see him much.. I guess I expect that.. 

As parents.. we need to even say.. "GO HOME to your wife" & kids.. because these things DO have the potential to cause a lot of stress in marriages.. where the wife feels 2nd fiddle.. Just shouldn't be.


----------



## Brigit

Kristisha said:


> Good luck Brigit


He was OK this morning. He just mumbled a bit.


----------



## Brigit

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I hear of stories like this .. I always find it very sad .. as Parents, we need to understand.. our kids have their own lives & families.. When they leave the nest.. .. it will never be the same.. it's about THEM now...and who they choose to bring into their lives.building their own families..
> 
> I hate the idea of being a burden to my kids in any way.. Only one has flown the nest.. and really I don't see him much.. I guess I expect that..
> 
> As parents.. we need to even say.. "GO HOME to your wife" & kids.. because these things DO have the potential to cause a lot of stress in marriages.. where the wife feels 2nd fiddle.. Just shouldn't be.


Throughout our relationship which is now almost 20 years married for 13 she was VERY possessive of him and he was very attached to her. This attachment has always been both a threat and a source of repulsion to me. When we got engaged and showed her the ring the first thing she said was "Why do you want to get married?" I try not to hate her. I usually fail.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Faithful Wife said:


> The Policy of Radical Honesty


I never knew there was a term for this till I came to TAM.. it might have been you who used it in a post.... I looked it up and found it on Marriage builders... I've always been a Natural with this sort of communication.. 

If a man couldn't handle this... he'd have to get RID OF ME.. we'd never work ....all for the Radical.. I want it from him too.. I may have to pull it out of him at times.. but I get it.. ..my husband will say I can be "brutal" on occasion...but he says it with a  & in the next breath explains it like this...

That when I say something GOOD.. the encouragement, Praise.. want of his body.. bla bla.. he knows I REALLY MEAN IT, it's from the heart.. that the GOOD far outweighs the BAD......he tells me I am easy to live with.. 

It's like that Ratio Gottman speaks of... the "5 to 1" in marital conflict..(let's face it.. "radical honesty" can bring on some conflict -when 2 do not agree)... but yeah.. this makes all the difference that the Good outweighs the bad...and compatibility goes a long way here.



> Throughout our relationship which is now almost 20 years married for 13 she was VERY possessive of him and he was very attached to her. This attachment has always been both a threat and a source of repulsion to me. When we got engaged and showed her the ring the first thing she said was "Why do you want to get married?" I try not to hate her. I usually fail.


 I have this book on my shelf.. seen it at a garage sale ages ago, I had so many sons.. figured I would pick it up....

The Other Woman in Your Marriage: Understanding a Mother's Impact on Her Son & How It Affects His Marriage 

But yeah...we need specific HEALTHY boundaries as Mothers.. I am happy to say my H's mother was NEVER like this.. nor my mother .. Never felt any hurtful interference from in Laws ...they have been good examples..


----------



## Kristisha

Brigit said:


> He was OK this morning. He just mumbled a bit.


I'm happy for you


----------



## Kristisha

Brigit said:


> Throughout our relationship which is now almost 20 years married for 13 she was VERY possessive of him and he was very attached to her. This attachment has always been both a threat and a source of repulsion to me. When we got engaged and showed her the ring the first thing she said was "Why do you want to get married?" I try not to hate her. I usually fail.


I would as we'll so don't be to harsh on yourself


----------



## Holland

Brigit said:


> I wake him so I can be with him. We go to bed very early 8:30 pm, so if he sleeps late I don't get too much time to be with him.


OMG why to bed so early? You is old people.

OK call me a weirdo but I love just being next to him in bed while he sleeps, I love the sound of his snoring and the way he reaches out to cuddle me. I could lie in bed for ages next to him while he sleeps.
Sometimes I lie there internally laughing at myself for how starry eyed and girlish I am, lying next to him and patting him. What a twit 

Never wake a sleeping baby, isn't that what they say?


----------



## Anonymous07

tracyishere said:


> I really just want to be respected.


:iagree:

Respect is huge, but I also want complete honesty(not keeping his ideas/feelings from me, even if he's trying to protect me) and for him to be more mature(no temper tantrums for not getting his way!). 



Brigit said:


> I wake him so I can be with him. We go to bed very early 8:30 pm, so if he sleeps late I don't get too much time to be with him.


Sorry, but I'd be so frustrated. I enjoy my sleep and would be upset for being waked up early just to have coffee. My husband knows better than to wake me, so I can get some more sleep and I'll join him later. That is if I get to sleep in since we have a toddler who wakes at the crack of dawn and it's usually me who wakes up with him.


----------



## Brigit

Holland said:


> OMG why to bed so early? You is old people.
> 
> OK call me a weirdo but I love just being next to him in bed while he sleeps, I love the sound of his snoring and the way he reaches out to cuddle me. I could lie in bed for ages next to him while he sleeps.
> Sometimes I lie there internally laughing at myself for how starry eyed and girlish I am, lying next to him and patting him. What a twit
> 
> Never wake a sleeping baby, isn't that what they say?


He likes to be woken during the week at 4:00 to get ready for work. So on the weekends our bodies are still acclimated to the weekday schedule. i figure if he's sleeping by 9 and I wake him at 6 that's nine hours of sleep. Then he always take a nap for about an hour or two during the day. So he's gotta be awake at some point. He can't just work and sleep.


----------



## Holland

Far out 4am?

OK we are living in opposite land, bed at around 11pm to 12pm usually, he is up at about 6am during the week, me usually about 7am or later depending on if we have kids here.

Is 12.30am here in the Land of Oz, and I am still up at the computer and doing other stuff.


----------



## Julius Beastcavern

Holland said:


> Far out 4am?
> 
> OK we are living in opposite land, bed at around 11pm to 12pm usually, he is up at about 6am during the week, me usually about 7am or later depending on if we have kids here.
> 
> Is 12.30am here in the Land of Oz, and I am still up at the computer and doing other stuff.


What part of OZ are you in?


----------



## Holland

Julius Beastcavern said:


> What part of OZ are you in?


Marvelous Melbourne

and if you are going to ask if I know your Uncles, brothers old best friend, yes I do. Tis a small town of about 4 mil.


----------



## Julius Beastcavern

Holland said:


> Marvelous Melbourne
> 
> and if you are going to ask if I know your Uncles, brothers old best friend, yes I do. Tis a small town of about 4 mil.


:lol: glad you know uncle Rodger, he's been lonely since the court order


----------



## heartsbeating

jld said:


> How about you, ladies? What do you want most from your husbands?


jld, this is an interesting question!

What I want most from my husband is for him to continue being true to himself. That's the way he's going to be most content in life and that's what I'd want most for (and from) him. Of course I can't write that without thinking of the William Shatner song:

_I don't want you not to swear, not to sweat
It's you I fell in love with
Your turn of phrase, your sensitivity, your irrational moods
Well maybe that could go
But everything else, I want you to be you_


I want him to be him.


----------



## UMP

thatbpguy said:


> Were they gay? Or, if not, did they stay that way to you forever or until they were tired of having sex with you? Believe me, there's a difference.


I'm as manly as they come. Captain of HS football team, prom king, played college football, corporate pilot, and raced cars competitively for 5 years, can change a clutch on a car, do my own brakes and oil changes on 9 cars, cut down trees and split 4 cords of wood every season for firewood, and maintain a 24 acre farm and got kicked out of grade school and college for fighting. I am six feet tall and 200 pounds. 

I will sit and listen INTENTLY to my wife speak about crazy emotional stuff for hours. I used to hate it and realized that if I wanted her to WANT to have sex with me and really be into it, I better start listening and listen WELL.

It's one of the best things I've ever done. Rate of return is vastly superior than any other thing I have done for my wife.
After a while, the conversations actually become interesting. 

Such a simple request from your woman that pays HUGE dividends. In my opinion, if you're a man, you would be an idiot NOT to. I WAS an idiot. Not anymore.


----------



## Faithful Wife

UMP...you may have to write some excerpts for my book!


----------



## UMP

Faithful Wife said:


> UMP...you may have to write some excerpts for my book!


Honestly, listening and interacting with my wife on HER level has gotten me the best sex of my life. 
I must confess, at first my main goal was more sex, but after awhile I realized that bonding with her on her emotional level did more than just benefit our sex life, it made us emotionally closer. In the bad times my wife would never touch me and hardly ever say "I love you." Now she is always caressing me, always saying "I love you." It's like she can't wait for me to get home because she KNOWS I will stop whatever I am doing and LISTEN to every word she says until she can't say anymore. 

It enables her to unload her entire mind on me, and then she's able to relax and enjoy the rest of her day. If she can sense a HINT of negativity from me during the process, she will stop and turn everything inward. I make it a point to REALLY listen with everything I have and never act like it's unimportant. When I listen I have to listen in a way that makes her understand that at this moment she is the most important thing in my life, bar none.

If all you men expect your wives to be porn stars then you should be willing to be 100% emotionally available for your wife.


----------



## Faithful Wife

UMP said:


> If all you men expect your wives to be porn stars then you should be willing to be 100% emotionally available for your wife.


But that's going a little too far...some people, both men and women, just aren't very sexual, and still will not be even if their spouse changes how they approach things. So there's really no promises on how someone will react to changes YOU make. That's why we should make changes in order to improve ourselves, whether or not our spouse will react positively.

Of course, if a spouse is being mean, hurtful, disrespectful (ie: not actually listening, like in your case) then stopping these bad behaviors actually IS self improvement.


----------



## UMP

What men need to learn is that the female emotions are actually very sexy. When a man allows a woman to become so emotionally close to you that she can talk to you about her girl friends fashion sense and asks your opinion on what she should give her friend on her birthday for an entire 30 minutes, you get to see parts of your woman that you've never seen before.

When she smiles from ear to ear, eyes glistening from her obvious excitement because you've just helped her pick out the "perfect" gift for her girl friend, you've just enabled your woman to be "herself" with you. That in and of itself is worth 1,000 red roses and now she feels closer to you than anyone in the whole world.

Priceless


----------



## UMP

Faithful Wife said:


> But that's going a little too far...some people, both men and women, just aren't very sexual, and still will not be even if their spouse changes how they approach things. So there's really no promises on how someone will react to changes YOU make. That's why we should make changes in order to improve ourselves, whether or not our spouse will react positively.
> 
> Of course, if a spouse is being mean, hurtful, disrespectful (ie: not actually listening, like in your case) then stopping these bad behaviors actually IS self improvement.


I guess it would be better to say, "if you expect to get 100% of your wifes sexuality, then you should give 100% emotionally of yourself."

My wife is not very kinky, and only likes a few positions. However, NOW, whatever position she IS in, she will rock that position to it's limit. In other words, you might like your wife to cook 100 different things, when she can only cook 5 things. Learn to enjoy those 5 things and let her only cook those 5 things and learn to make those 5 items so tasty that you lose interest in the other 95.

If I give my wife what she needs, she will give me what I need even if it's not exactly what I expected or wanted. Never underestimate a womans sexuality. You just need to figure out how to get it out in the open. If she is in to you, you're gunna really like whatever you get. IMO.


----------



## Faithful Wife

UMP said:


> If I give my wife what she needs, she will give me what I need even if it's not exactly what I expected or wanted. Never underestimate a womans sexuality. You just need to figure out how to get it out in the open. If she is in to you, you're gunna really like whatever you get. IMO.


I agree...if there is some sexuality there to begin with. 

For some people, both men and women, there just isn't anything there. They aren't withholding, they just aren't very sexual, and aren't going to become more sexual just because you change.

So I'm just saying no one can guarantee "if you do X, she/he will respond with Y".

Sometimes there is no way to "figure out how to get it out in the open".

I'm glad YOU found out the way in your marriage, and your story is very romantic.


----------



## UMP

Faithful Wife said:


> I agree...if there is some sexuality there to begin with.
> 
> For some people, both men and women, there just isn't anything there. They aren't withholding, they just aren't very sexual, and aren't going to become more sexual just because you change.
> 
> So I'm just saying no one can guarantee "if you do X, she/he will respond with Y".
> 
> Sometimes there is no way to "figure out how to get it out in the open".
> 
> I'm glad YOU found out the way in your marriage, and your story is very romantic.


I am certain the statistics favor your statement. For myself, I just can't tell people that their situation is hopeless. I just can't and won't do that. I always think that there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel, even if it's just a flicker. Call me crazy, call me ignorant, I just can't ever tell a married couple to let go of hope.


----------



## Faithful Wife

UMP said:


> I am certain the statistics favor your statement. For myself, I just can't tell people that their situation is hopeless. I just can't and won't do that. I always think that there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel, even if it's just a flicker. Call me crazy, call me ignorant, I just can't ever tell a married couple to let go of hope.


Well, just to offer my own experience...until I accepted that you can't make someone else change (even if you change) I was flailing in my last marriage, unable to figure out how to "fix" it. It wasn't until I finally accepted that my ex-husband did not need to be "fixed", we simply weren't ever going to be able to fulfill each other's needs, I was just wasting my time, that I finally actually reached the point of self awareness I needed to reach. I think if someone refuses to accept reality, then we shouldn't continue to encourage them to "have hope", that is just cruel.


----------



## SignOfLife

I feel the same. A wish for deep compassion, empathy and unrelenting soulful connection.


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## WandaJ

I want kindness, respect, sharing our responsibilities around the house and business more and more openess about sexual adventures. 

I am starting to accept the posibility that I will have to upgrade to another model to get these features.


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## Happilymarried25

My husband is with me a lot physically but not a lot mentally. He always playing with his phone, tablet computer or watching TV. I don't think I'm the only one who would like to talk more with their husbands.


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## AVR1962

I so would like to be able just to make plans and goals together. My husband is serious in his own little world, mostly watching TV series on the computer and playing games. Trying to yank him from his computer is like pulling teeth. If I make a request for things to be done done it is like me asking my child....it is on his terms or I get unsaid resistance. 

I am an active person, like to do things and go places but I feel like I am dragging this half willing live being behind me. He doesn't actually find things he is interested in but will go along yet seems to want to drink all along the way, another down-fall.

I find it VERY difficult. I dream of the man that has my interests while I know my husband thinks the same. he loves Star Trek and Broncos football games and would love for a woman to participate in those interests but that is not me. 

I have wondered if there is such a man that would share my interests or if they all about their own interests. 

I get so tired of feeling alone in my marriage.


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