# Kids and Bullying



## Horizon

As if there are not enough issues at home and in the world - now I have got to deal with this punk 12 year old from up the street who has recently created big problems for my son.

Both sets of parents have agreed to keep the boys apart, the downside being that the other boys in the same age range live near the bully and have stuck with him - so my son is on the outer.

Nothing good has come from this so far. The bully has a brother and they just love to death stare us when we drive by. So we've kept our distance until the other day when they decided it would be fun to play cricket in front of our house.

That was a bit intimidating for my son, who badly wanted to go out and get it on but we kept a lid on the situation. Unfortunately the ball came into our yard and they came to fetch it. 

I told them to get the ball and leave ASAP. No problems with the brother except the bully wanted to give me some lip and stood in the street calling me to come at him; knowing full well how it would end if an adult confronted a child. He knew just what to say and do. Cunning eh?.

I told him to take a hike to his end of the street and he just stood there proclaiming his rights. That was it. It's a tough one but we have to keep our heads. The strange thing has been how long it played on my mind after the event. 

Originally I wanted to broker a peace deal - but my son doesn't want to know them and reminded me that I once told him not to hang with people who don't make you feel good about yourself. I'm less agitated now but really pi**ed off that there is this bad blood in my own street.

I might add that kids do have a great ability to move past things and re-set but it can be different for the parents. When the bullying first started I went to the bully's house to sort it out once an for all but it didn't end very well because I was so wound up. No violence, just words coming out wrong and the talk going in all sorts of directions - nothing really resolved except keeping them apart. 

I should have waited but i reacted on emotion because of how distressed my boy was and how these kids then went after him on social media. Fortunately i had the parents of one other boy who owned an ipad to delete the vicious comments. And weren't they shocked to see what their precious boy had done.

But in the end parents are going to protect their own and we just have to accept that this stalemate will be here for a while. In the meantime I have to bite my lip, lead by example and get on with it.

Horizon


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## SurpriseMyself

It sucks finding yourself in this situation. I found my kids in something similar, but my STBXH didn't really care. He was your opposite. I wished he had cared more, although I will say caring too much (like me) has it's downside. 

Just be strong, lead by example, and keep communication open with your son. And document anything you find this kid does to yours. Sounds like he's being a grade A snot, and his parents don't seem to care. And the other boys don't get his wrath, so they find it safer to stay his friend (keep your enemies closer, as the saying goes). 

Good luck and try not to dwell on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain

ugh... tough place to be in. 

unfortunately, i know of only one way to stop a bully...


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## jld

I have heard good things about this book, though it may be more about school:

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition): Barbara Coloroso: 9780061744600: Amazon.com: Books


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## EleGirl

Too bad you did not have a video going to capture that kid's behavior. You really need to consider it next time he pulls something.

Did you get copies of the social media posts? If he and/or the other kids do that again get screenshots of the posts.

It sounds like this kid has been emboldened. He thinks he knows his 'rights'. Well two can play that game. You and your son have rights too. This has moved a notch up from 'simple' school yard bullying.

The next time, and I have no doubt that there will be a next time, get the video and call the police. The kid is harassing/bullying you now too.

I'm all for protecting children. But it's gotten to the point these days where a lot of kids think that only they have rights. They do not get that adults have rights too as well as other kids have rights.

It does not help that a lot of the entertainers that the kids look up to are bullies themselves... even those who claim to be anti bully are often themselves bullies. The kids learn that it's ok.


.


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## sixty-eight

EleGirl said:


> Too bad you did not have a video going to capture that kid's behavior. You really need to consider it next time he pulls something.
> 
> Did you get copies of the social media posts? If he and/or the other kids do that again get screenshots of the posts.
> 
> It sounds like this kid has been emboldened. He thinks he knows his 'rights'. Well two can play that game. You and your son have rights too. This has moved a notch up from 'simple' school yard bullying.
> 
> The next time, and I have no doubt that there will be a next time, get the video and call the police. The kid is harassing/bullying you now too.
> 
> I'm all for protecting children. But it's gotten to the point these days where a lot of kids think that only they have rights. They do not get that adults have rights too as well as other kids have rights.
> 
> It does not help that a lot of the entertainers that the kids look up to are bullies themselves... even those who claim to be anti bully are often themselves bullies. The kids learn that it's ok.
> 
> 
> .


I _love_ Ele's idea to video tape the bully and call the police.

There is a bully (8 yo boy) in my neighborhood whose parents don't seem to care. I have noticed the girls all sticking together and playing beside my house (i'm a SAHM and only let my 7 yo play close by with the door open. if my 3 yo is out, then i'm out too.) 

Is there maybe an older boy, or several younger ones you could team your son up with for an activity? safety in numbers.


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## Horizon

Thanks for your comments everyone I have sorted this out for the time being. I approached this boy and his brothers about a week later. I kept it calm but firm and pointed out that there would be no more trouble in our street and that we are all going to have a great Christmas. I told them there were no hard feelings and that my son had found other friends to play with. They were OK with this in that there were no smart a**e comments but I could tell that the bully balked at the idea that my son had other friends.

In any case I have kept in mind that I will record any further issues if the possibility arises and have told me son to keep his mobile phone with him when he is out and about. The boys he is hanging out with now are great kids and not the sort of boys who constantly need to prove themselves. We are entering the six week Christmas school holidays here from Dec 16th which might be a bit testing but we are keeping positive and focused on enjoying ourselves.

Merry Christmas everyone and my very best wishes - Horizon


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## BioFury

Sounds like those boys need the fear of God put into them. Whatever happened to disciplining kids?


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## PieceOfSky

When my youngest was about 11 y.o., she was bullied by some girls at school and on the school bus home. It clearly was having an impact on her body self-image and how she felt about her self generally. She was affected, becoming more self-conscious and sad. Initially, once we caught the gist of what was going on, we made the mistake of promising we wouldn't say anything to her teacher. (Doh!) But, as things devolved, we told her we felt the need to talk with her teacher, and that that was what we were going to do.

The fact it took place at school made it straightforward to get her school teacher involved. The teacher took an active interest in helping her cope -- arranging for her to sit near some supportive and more friendly girls. He also seemed to make more of a point to interact with her during the school day. 

IIRC, there is a law in our area requiring the school to look into any reported bullying. (Not that the law was the driver here... I credit the teacher. But, it seems bullying is taken here (in my tiny corner of the midwestern USA) a lot more seriously than it was when I was in school in ancient times).

I tried to emphasize with my daughter that she wasn't the one with the problem, and that the bully's behavior wasn't driven by who she (my daughter) is or what her worth is. 

I had been feeling the need to get both my daughters a therapist to talk to because of what was going on in my wife and I's marriage, and because my oldest had asked expressed interest in seeing a therapist herself. The bullying served as a catalyst to find a therapist, and I think that helped too.

I'm happy it's all behind her now. I think she got through it much better than I feared at the start; seemingly unscathed, and maybe more resilient and mature as a result (hard to tell). 

It's a helpless feeling as a parent, isn't it?

Horizon, it is encouraging your son paid attention to and had taken to heart what you had told him earlier about not hanging on to people that don't make you feel good about yourself. We can't keep rotten things from happening to our kids, or wave a magic wand and make their childhood years stress free. But, we can help frame the uncontrollable and crappy stuff that does happen, and prepare them with the skills and knowledge that helps them to adjust in a healthy way as life flies by. Sounds like you've had some success on that front.


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## Horizon

Thanks POSky - thankfully Xmas went smoothly. We haven't seen these boys for a few weeks. Maybe they are away on holidays. In any case all good for the time being. My son is still struggling with anxiety even though we have him on the drugs - may need adjustment to his medication. He has been seeing a Psychologist off and on this year and will continue with counseling in the new year. It's been good for him. 

It's High School for him in 2016. We are quietly confident he will be OK but as you well know, it's a whole different ball game in the big pond. 

Be well and best wishes for 2016


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## richie33

My oldest is 5 and he is on the spectrum. Bullying is something we worry about. His communication has come a long way but can be difficult to understand at times, plus he flaps his hands and is very clumsy at times. But he is very sweet and kind and socially he is doing really great, his younger brother who is 4 is a social butterfly and it really helps.
The two weeks before Christmas break he was telling us a kid in the playground calls him stupid after school. We told him to tell the other boy " that's not nice" and walk away and don't play with him. One day last week this boys mother ( we only know this after the fact) comes over to my wife yelling " your son hit my child". My son was hysterically crying seeing this woman telling this to my wife. The woman must have figured around this time that my son may have some issues and said its ok don't worry about it.
When my wife got him home we got more of the story from him. It turned out that was the boy who was calling him stupid for the past two weeks. As parents we had to discipline him and we took away a few things from him for a few days. As a Dad I was bit proud that he had enough and stuck up for himself.


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## Bobby5000

First, how is your son's fight ability. He needs to learn how to fight better and confront people. Parental involvement is generally a poor and second-rate solution. Generally having children resolve their problems is far better and you have not solved the problem of the next bully. Speaking from personal experience, the number one thing I regret most in life is not getting in more fights and standing up better for myself.


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## richie33

Bobby5000 said:


> First, how is your son's fight ability. He needs to learn how to fight better and confront people. Parental involvement is generally a poor and second-rate solution. Generally having children resolve their problems is far better and you have not solved the problem of the next bully. Speaking from personal experience, the number one thing I regret most in life is not getting in more fights and standing up better for myself.


I have no idea if this is toward my post but if it is...
Again he is 5 years old and autistic, teaching my son to fight is not on our top list of priorities at this time. My son punched the kid in the snot box, so he obviously is not afraid of the other child. I agree that parents shouldn't get so involved. That kids can and should work out their issues themselves...until they cannot. If this mom did not react so quickly without knowing the facts the two boys could have become good friends.


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## Amplexor

As'laDain said:


> unfortunately, i know of only one way to stop a bully...


Detective Ray Velcoro style? Holy F***!


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## RandomDude

If I had a son I would take this opportunity to teach and train him in many different ways to humiliate the bully 

In the end there's only one language they understand, I'm not a fan of the other, less violent suggestions... waste of time and may only humiliate your son even more.


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## As'laDain

Amplexor said:


> Detective Ray Velcoro style? Holy F***!


i dont know what that means. 

if it means "punch him in the nose as hard as you can" then yes.


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## Fozzy

RandomDude said:


> If I had a son I would take this opportunity to teach and train him in many different ways to humiliate the bully
> 
> In the end there's only one language they understand, I'm not a fan of the other, less violent suggestions... waste of time and may only humiliate your son even more.


It's a sad situation that I have to agree with this. A lot of bullies are that way because of problems of there own, but ultimately--they really do understand a kick in the jollies best. My kid isn't there to be your brat's therapist. You fix his head, or my kid is fully authorized to fix his nose.


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## Amplexor

As'laDain said:


> i dont know what that means.
> 
> if it means "punch him in the nose as hard as you can" then yes.


It's from the second season of True Detectives and is far more violent than a punch in the face.

It's on youtube, but be warned, it is brutal.


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## RandomDude

Ahahaha just checked it out on youtube! That was AWESOME


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## turnera

Horizon, I'm glad things are getting better. Just wanted to suggest one thing. You say he has anxiety. There's no better cure for that than accomplishment. Can you find him some activities to join? Scouts, sport, woodworking, camping, etc.? The more he accomplishes, the more he'll feel capable of handling any issues.


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## CuddleBug

Horizon said:


> As if there are not enough issues at home and in the world - now I have got to deal with this punk 12 year old from up the street who has recently created big problems for my son.
> 
> Both sets of parents have agreed to keep the boys apart, the downside being that the other boys in the same age range live near the bully and have stuck with him - so my son is on the outer.
> 
> Nothing good has come from this so far. The bully has a brother and they just love to death stare us when we drive by. So we've kept our distance until the other day when they decided it would be fun to play cricket in front of our house.
> 
> That was a bit intimidating for my son, who badly wanted to go out and get it on but we kept a lid on the situation. Unfortunately the ball came into our yard and they came to fetch it.
> 
> I told them to get the ball and leave ASAP. No problems with the brother except the bully wanted to give me some lip and stood in the street calling me to come at him; knowing full well how it would end if an adult confronted a child. He knew just what to say and do. Cunning eh?.
> 
> I told him to take a hike to his end of the street and he just stood there proclaiming his rights. That was it. It's a tough one but we have to keep our heads. The strange thing has been how long it played on my mind after the event.
> 
> Originally I wanted to broker a peace deal - but my son doesn't want to know them and reminded me that I once told him not to hang with people who don't make you feel good about yourself. I'm less agitated now but really pi**ed off that there is this bad blood in my own street.
> 
> I might add that kids do have a great ability to move past things and re-set but it can be different for the parents. When the bullying first started I went to the bully's house to sort it out once an for all but it didn't end very well because I was so wound up. No violence, just words coming out wrong and the talk going in all sorts of directions - nothing really resolved except keeping them apart.
> 
> I should have waited but i reacted on emotion because of how distressed my boy was and how these kids then went after him on social media. Fortunately i had the parents of one other boy who owned an ipad to delete the vicious comments. And weren't they shocked to see what their precious boy had done.
> 
> But in the end parents are going to protect their own and we just have to accept that this stalemate will be here for a while. In the meantime I have to bite my lip, lead by example and get on with it.
> 
> Horizon




In elementary school and high school, I was bullied to the extreme daily because I was skinny, not cool and had thick glasses. Class mates would even follow me home and try to beat me up. This stopped when I entered high school but the other bullying continued and finally stopped when I entered grade 12. 

I've had nightmares being in elementary and high school a decade or so after my high school graduation.

I don't get them anymore but I will never attend a high school reunion.

I hated my elementary and high school years.


Imagine how bad it is today with all the tech at everyone's disposal?


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## As'laDain

i used to get bullied a lot because i didnt do anything about it and i was small and skinny. i made a convenient target, until one day i didnt. 

i stopped caring if i got hurt. all it really takes is on hard hit to gain respect...


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## Horizon

Thanks all, I will have to locate that youtube clip (can you be more specific or do I type in "...a kick to the nuts"?) - and you are right Turnera. Achievement is paramount. My son is a bloody good baseball player - lead pitcher and a handy bat but we are on Xmas game break until weekend before Australia Day (Jan 25th by the way). So all I can do right now , while juggling work shifts, is get him, and his sister for that matter, into activities - the more physical the better. For example - rather than go to a movie tomorrow we are going to hit these ridiculously huge inflatable water slides they have erected close by at Castle Hill. There is a bit of a challenge to it as much as it is fun - so much better than XBox.


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## turnera

Look for activities in which he has to start low and increase his skill, so that he can see the change and become proud of himself for it. Better yet, do it WITH him, like archery or bowling or skeet shooting or karate.


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## sally40

Hi Ricthie - Wishing you and your 5 year old son the very best! FYI I would think the poster who mentioned learning to fight -- I bet he meant the 12 year old boy in the original post. Also, I have to admit that I am glad your 5 year old hit the kid who kept calling him 'stupid' -- as you said, your son had a gut feeling of how to stand up for himself. Also fyi, my son was not bullied, but he had severe food allergies -- I learned there really are some super nice kids out there. Over the years, a number of kids and parents went out of their way to be very cautious about my sons allerigies. So I hope you come across some very respectful kids and parents who understand autism and have a heart about it Blessings!!!!


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## tripad

I personally don't have a problem with bullies , growing up with brothers , we fought early . I whacked a guy who kept poking my sides with a ruler n he stopped . 

I taught my sons to hit back as hard as he gets as long as he's not outnumbered or outsized . if outnumbered or " outsized" he should run n report to higher authorities . 

Once in grade 1 , he was attacked by 3 boys , one boy holding his left hand , another holding his right hand , n the puny guy punching him . It didn't hurt physically but I made a loud n clear complaint to the principal and demanded punishment and accountability . And i warned that the parents better make sure it doesn't happen again or I will slap the boys myself as I am sure I will go berserk the second time round . 

The teacher n principal were shocked but they got the message . 

Another time was with my neighbors . 8-9 big boys 9-12 years boys snatched my 4 and 6 years old boys' water gun n shot them . They ran home with my domestic helper , locked the doors n the boys continued to knock on my door asking them to come out . 

My boys were traumatized n didnt dare go out to play . i told my kids to follow me n hunt down the boys and i approached the parents , one pushed the blame to the other kids n apologised , two quarrelled with me and said my 4-6 years attacked their group of eight 9-12 years old first !! My kids witnessed major shouting matches between me n the other parents .

Finally the estate manager got the three families to move out , not based on my incidents alone , but others as well . but I may have provided much proof as I obtained police reports n medical reports as one boy pushed my son n he fell , cutting his toe .

Hmmmm , I would say that my children's fear left and they thanked me for fighting for them . I noticed they became more bold to fight or hit the bullies back , without being traumatized at all . 

Of course , I was branded the crazy mum who stood up for her kids by some who were friends to the bullies and other gossipers . 

I didn't care .


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## turnera

Love it!

And remember that kids may not know what standing up for yourself looks like - they have no experience! By watching a parent defend herself/themselves, they see how to do it right.


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## tripad

Yes 

It's not about size . it's how feisty you are .

My younger 5 year " retaliated " against the class bully more than half the head taller and who had been going round hitting everyone . the teacher separated them but my son kept charging at the bully . 

Well after that , the bully wanted to be my son's best pal , two sweets n he gives my son one . 

It doesn't matter if you fight and you get punished together . it is necessary to show that your boy guarded his territory n can fight back .

Bullies are cowards n insecure . it is easy to crumble them if you tell your son to give it as good as he gets .


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## Horizon

It's an important point - I wasn't taught any of this by my father who fought the Japanese in Malaya and Singapore - and I mean fought, grim hand to hand stuff. Even with 4 other brothers we didn't really deal with bullying. There was enough of it in our own home. I can see now how more courage and some guidance would have helped me in school and in the street. 

As for this boy up the road we have been lucky enough not to run into him for the whole Xmas break (back to school next week and different schools fortunately). The thing is my son revealed more about the two fights that lead to me storming up to the bully's home. The second time my son copped a few in the face which he didn't feel until hours later - he was pumped obviously. There were no marks either. What he did say was that he fended this punk off and eventually got him in a head lock. The punk cried and then when my son let him go he started up again. It went this way for a while. All the time this other little follower was taking photos with his ipad. 

My son said the weird thing was that each time he was head-locking this punk bully a parent or neighbor would appear and the punk would put on the water works. The end result was that my son had to wear the indignity of being perceived as an instigator. One neighbor was even cradling the punk and saying 'you poor thing are you OK?' Meanwhile my son is being punched and kicked. We're talking about 12 yr olds here. It starts to get serious.

In any case I have told my son that next time if he is being physically attacked, whether it's him or another boy, he is to go straight for the nose. No haymakers, just a nice short sharp jab to the snout. If it gets out of control just cut lose UFC style. You have my permission to defend yourself with like force.


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## tripad

It doesn't matter that guy turn on the water works n gets cradled . he can grow up n be a sissy . teach your son to be a man n that's more impt . defend n give it to the bully .


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## darkfilly

Ahh, bullies. When my daughter was in kindergarten she was getting teased and bullied every day by this kid on the school bus. The driver did not keep the kids under control at all. Well, I told my daughter that while I don't condone fighting, there is a time when somebody needs to feel some pain in order to learn to back off. So the next time this little boy started on her she grabbed the front of his shirt and punched him. He ran away crying and he never teased her again. Sadly, we all know that violence isn't the answer, but certain people only understand just that. And it usually only takes one good painful incident for them to move on and leave you alone, cause bullies like to inflict it but aren't too crazy about receiving it!


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## phillybeffandswiss

Horizon said:


> In any case I have told my son that next time if he is being physically attacked, whether it's him or another boy, he is to go straight for the nose. No haymakers, just a nice short sharp jab to the snout. If it gets out of control just cut lose UFC style. You have my permission to defend yourself with like force.


 This isn't like old school fights, where it is he said she said. A little media makes killers look like they are innocent. Go put your son in Judo or wrestling. You want him to defend himself with the most painful and passive looking defense possible. 

I agree with defending yourself, but you also have to teach him how to be smart. Just like work, there are times where you aren't being a coward when you walk away. Explain to him when and where to fight. Ground and pound (what you call UFC Style) is not the way to go in this PC age.You feel he is being bullied. Now, you find out, they have made it look like your son is the bully. The last thing you want is your son falsely accused of assault.


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## ConanHub

Training your son and educating him about fighting is necessary.

Everyone will have a fight of some kind in their life unless they are willing to be walked on.

Call the authorities to report the little shyts next time they try and intimidate you.

It is a very short trip to rape and other violence from the mental bullying he was giving you in front of your yard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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