# Am I a Sex/Porn Addict?



## Caboo

Hi Guys and Girls. Came across this site looking for answers and decided to join and tell my story. A bit long but bear with me please. I will be as brief as possible.

Married for 30 years. 4 children aged 20,22,27,29. 2 grand children. I'm 51 and wife is 48. My wife is a self confessed Control Freak and between myself and my shrink, we think she has Delusional Jealousy. All the symptoms are there. She thinks that I have been sleeping around for the last 11 years and she has attacked me physically. I have a Protection order against her. 

She asked for a divorce in January and we are in the process of the divorce. We stay in the same house. It is in her name but I pay for it so we are both entitled to be there even if it is a bit of a strain. We speak to each other but all love and trust has gone from her side. I am beginning to lose love for her and want her gone as soon as possible.

When she started accusing me of having affairs, our relationship went downhill. She was not able to be intimate and give herself to me because she thought I had been with other woman. Understandable from her point of view. As a result, our sex life became strained. During a counselling session, between her and the counsellor, I was informed that if I wanted sex and she didn't, I was to "go see to myself". In other words, masturbate. I was resentful about that. We always had a few porn movies that we used to enjoy together but that soon died a death. Anyway, I started watching the porn movies by myself . This progressed to internet porn and even included reading child porn stories. Not good, I know but I never watched child porn videos or had pictures. I had no access to them. The stories are easily obtained.

All of this led to a total breakdown of our relationship. On 1st October 2011, after being accused of being a sex pervert and addict, I Googled this and realise that although I didn't fit into the pervert catagory, I could be a sex addict. I "confessed" this to my wife and said that I wanted to get help. I went to see a psychologist on a weekly basis and I have not watched one bit of porn since then. I have not had an interest to watch porn because I can see the damage that it can do.

Now, my wife, armed with the fact that I have admitted to being a sex addict, decided that this was exactly the ammo that she needed to divorce me and promptly proceeded to do so. My upset is this...when an addict of any kind stands up and admits to the addiction, he is calling out for help. Surely help should be offered and support given? I now understand that my wife despises me so much that any form of help from her would not be forthcoming. I should have kept quiet instead of thinking that my disclosure would help towards solving the problem.

My wife wants to use the child porn thing against me in a court. She says she wants to destroy me completely. She hacked my PC to get the evidence. I know it won't stand up in court because it was obtained illegally but it shows her determination.

There is a lot more to this story but I cannot post all 15 pages that I have written as part of a story of my life. I don't know what I am looking for by posting here. Maybe I just want to share my story. I don't want pity, sympathy or any other negative emotion please. I am moving forward and I realise that it is possibly my wife that needs the most help.

What could come of all of this is that I could offer advise to people in a similar position. Please feel free to contact me if you feel I can help you in any way.

Thanks for reading.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

"This progressed to internet porn and even included reading child porn stories."
"My wife wants to use the child porn thing against me in a court"

I'm sorry you're going through this and I was right there with you and totally understanding of what you're dealing with until the child porn stories thing.

If my ex was caught reading kiddie porn...He would NEVER see our son again without court appointed guardian present. I would use everything I had on him to keep him from having alone time with our son if I knew he was reading kidding porn stories.


----------



## ClipClop

I'm with WR. 

Crying out to a woman that already believed the worst about you shows she was not the only delusion person in the m. Becoming the person she thought you were was a twisted defense mechanism. On some level, you believed her.

But the child porn, sorry but that is just too much to handle.

Not sure if what she did is illegal either. Marital property. And illegal or not, once presented it will not be ignored.

I hope you get help. But you made your life what it is. This is on your shoulders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lilyana

This saddens me.. I'm glad you have found the help and haven't had an issue with porn in some time. But wow, the kiddie porn thing is horrible.

I used to make excuses for my H when i found him watching porn with my 2 year old daughter on his lap.

I would say, "hes sick and needs help, i shouldnt worry" "things will be ok if I just babysit everything hes doing." But I was kidding myself.

I plan on using what my H did in court, and I won't feel sorry for it one bit. I'm protecting my children.

I really don't feel sorry for you.. sorry to say. But you made your own bed, you knew what you were doing was wrong. 

I hope this is a lesson learned for you, and you grow from it and stick to your new found ways, instead of leaning back into sick perversions.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

Lilyana said:


> I used to make excuses for my H when i found him watching porn with my 2 year old daughter on his lap.
> 
> I would say, "hes sick and needs help, i shouldnt worry" "things will be ok if I just babysit everything hes doing." But I was kidding myself.
> 
> I plan on using what my H did in court, and I won't feel sorry for it one bit. I'm protecting my children.


Good for you! Stay strong and I hope it turns out good for you and your children.


----------



## Grayson

ClipClop said:


> Not sure if what she did is illegal either. Marital property. And illegal or not, once presented it will not be ignored.


In the past year, there was a divorce case that made it to Nightline and Good Morning America that was testing this very question. Through accessing his wife's email (follow the bouncing ball, here), a man confirmed his wife was having an affair with her ex-husband. She pressed criminal charges against him for accessing her email. His attorney countered that, on a computer that was not used, say, solely for a business, but owned and able to be used by anyone in the family, it is reasonable to assume that other family members might access your information, including email. The husband claims that she kept her passwords in a notebook by the computer; the wife countered that no such notebook ever existed. It got the media attention that it did because of the precedents it could set for online/digital privacy within a marriage.

I never did hear how it turned out, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caboo

Phew! Some real words in the above replies. Thank you for the honesty. I understand the reactions about the child porn I was reading. I make no excuses for what I did but will try and explain the course of events that led to it.

It was a progression from watching hetro-porn movies that is easily available from local adult shops, then onto internet sites that offer so much more. There is one particular site that offers erotic stories ranging from "normal" to perverse in content. Mixed into this site are child porn stories. It was an easy thing for me to be attracted and driven by these stories. 

Although this doesn't justify my actions, I only downloaded these stories for my own use. No one else knew about them, I didn't distribute them and I never wrote or submitted any of my own. It was purely personal. I also have no thought about wanting to play out any of the fantasies that I read, meaning I am not a pedeophile. 

I am not proud about what I did. I am remorseful and I am very pleased that I have been able to kick the habit. I will never delve into child porn ever again. It is too destructive. My unhealthy relationship with my wife brought out an unhealthy part of me. That relationship is going to end soon and my mind will now stay healthy.

If I can look back and say that since the 1st October 2011 I haven't even watched "normal" porn, I could say that I have kicked the habit. It was easier than I thought it would be and I therefore question the severity of my sex addiction. I am not denying the addiction at all but even my shrink said that I should be careful of stigmatising myself with labels.

I could easily say that my wife drove me to porn and masturbation and that this is all her fault but I know that that would be unfair. I accept 50% of the blame for the breakdown of our marriage and I think that she should accept the other 50%. It takes 2 to tango. However, she says that I am 100% to blame. It is difficult to accept this point of view.


----------



## ClipClop

I think a label might also remind you that you can't risk even a little porn.

What you blamed on your wife concerns me. She didn't cause this. You had a million options. You chose this one. Take full responsibility and understand that you have a freaking disgusting and illegal coping mechanism.

Further, I don't care that you didn't distribute. You consumed. There would be no market without people like you.

Do me a favor. Read up on the lives of children who have been sexually abused. Get familiar with their life-long pain. How they cannot trust, bond, believe in themselves, how it scars them to the core.

Then try to justify your personal consumption.

You have a long way to go. You are still a danger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop

Ps I would never trust you with a child in a million years being porn free. How could anyone risk a child just because you think you are cured? I couldn't and I think it unreasonable that you would even ask someone to take that chance. Sometimes you have to accept the consequences of your behaviour. This is one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caboo

Hello ClipClop
If you read my post carefully, you will notice that I do take responsibility for my actions, I don't blame my wife for what I did and I am remorseful. I have done a lot of reading regarding the consequences of child porn and I agree that it is disgusting and destructive even if all I did was read stories that were not real. I am not a risk to anyone especially children. I have no interest in children from a sexual aspect.

You will also notice that it was my wife's initial delusions that split us apart and directed me on the wrong path. I take responsibility for making the wrong choice of delving into porn. I could have chosen real affairs instead but I didn't. All the affairs were instead imagined by her. That is delusional. I am glad that I chose to delve in porn and not hookers. I am not glad that the porn became a problem. 

I have been the most faithful husband for 30 years and I am still saddened by this whole divorce. I have had the guts to tell the world about my misadventures and most people have agreed that what I did was wrong but at the same time they have still accepted me and encouraged me along the way. According to my shrink, I am not a danger to anyone and I need to stop beating myself up about what I have done in the past. It would be wonderful if I got the same support from everyone. My wife kicked me in the teeth when I admitted my addiction and that didn't help at all. At least my friends and family gave me the support that I needed.


----------



## ClipClop

How many leave their children alone with you? Would your shrink leave his?

BTW, I still read blame the wife in there. Instead of either porn or real affairs or hookers, you could have divorced. You see the alternatives as somehow better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caboo

My children leave would leave their kids with me and they know what has happened. Anyone can leave their children with me. I have no pedophile tendencies. 

I don't blame my wife for my addictions. All I feel that she must take responsibility for her unfounded accusations against me and her rejection of me as an intimate partner. This allowed for the situation to develop to the stage that it is at. I take my responsibilities for my actions that made it worse. It was a long term lack of intimacy because of her mistrust of me that got us here. Ultimately we are both equally responsible for this whole sad affair.


----------



## Jellybeans

Porn doesn't bother me. Delving into child porn is a. Huge red flag. Ur title suggests ur an addict. Get help. Ur wife absolutely has cause for an argument in court. This is not notmal behavior have u told ur therapist about the child porn? Its one thing if u stumbled on it accidentally and quite another if ur acticley looking for it. Why do u keep going back to it? Answer that honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caboo

Jellybeans said:


> Porn doesn't bother me. Delving into child porn is a. Huge red flag. Ur title suggests ur an addict. Get help. Ur wife absolutely has cause for an argument in court. This is not notmal behavior have u told ur therapist about the child porn? Its one thing if u stumbled on it accidentally and quite another if ur acticley looking for it. Why do u keep going back to it? Answer that honestly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I cannot believe what I am reading. Do some of you guys actually read these posts in any detail?

I am getting help. I see a psychologist regularly. I have told him about the child porn. I did stumble upon it. I was not looking for it. It was on the site that advertised erotic stories and not child porn specifically. I have not watched, or read any porn since 1st October 2011. I do not keep going back to it. There's an honest answer.

Come on, jump on me for the child porn thing but at least read where I say that I am remorseful and will never go there again.


----------



## Kevan

I'll speak up for Caboo here. He was a consumer of stories, not pictures or videos. No child was exploited or harmed in the creation of the porn and no child has ever been exploited or harmed by him. He admits this was creepy behavior. I see no reason his life should be ruined.


----------



## Caboo

Thank you ManagingEditor. At last, a friendly face in the sea of despair.


----------



## CallaLily

Caboo said:


> I cannot believe what I am reading. Do some of you guys actually read these posts in any detail?
> 
> I am getting help. I see a psychologist regularly. I have told him about the child porn. I did stumble upon it. I was not looking for it. It was on the site that advertised erotic stories and not child porn specifically. I have not watched, or read any porn since 1st October 2011. I do not keep going back to it. There's an honest answer.
> 
> Come on, jump on me for the child porn thing but at least read where I say that I am remorseful and will never go there again.


Its good you are getting help. What has your counselor suggested as far as helping you or what you need to do on your road to recovery?

Are there SA (Sexual Addictions) support groups in your area? That is also a good place to start.


----------



## Caboo

CallaLily said:


> Its good you are getting help. What has your counselor suggested as far as helping you or what you need to do on your road to recovery?
> 
> Are there SA (Sexual Addictions) support groups in your area? That is also a good place to start.


I am glad that I am getting help. It didn't feel good inside to know that what I did was wrong and damaging. My counselor feels that I am doing well because I have not done the porn thing for so long with no relapse. He guides me and we have the normal discussion session. I have to go by what he tells me. He tells me that I am a good person who has recognised his wrong doing and won't do it again.

A question to everyone is this: how long do I have to stay away from porn to be able to say I don't have a problem with it any more? A year, 5 years or the rest of my life? I know the rest of my life is the best but there must be some criteria that I have to meet.


----------



## Jellybeans

Caboo said:


> *I cannot believe what I am reading.* Do some of you guys actually read these posts in any detail?


What can you not believe? You posted to an open forum and people are answering your questions and offering advice and opinions. You wrote, we responded. It's not rocket science. 

You are making references to *child pornography.*  That's kind of a big deal. To think peole wouldn't have the kind of feedback they are is delusional.

Now again, from what you wrote, your words, you stated: 



Caboo said:


> I am getting help. I see a psychologist regularly.* I have told him about the child porn.*





Caboo said:


> Come on, *jump on me for the child porn thing *but at least read where I say that I am remorseful and will never go there again.





Caboo said:


> I was resentful about that. We always had a few porn movies that we used to enjoy together but that soon died a death. Anyway, I started watching the porn movies by myself . *This progressed to internet porn and even included reading child porn stories. Not good, I know but I never watched child porn videos or had pictures. I had no access to them. The stories are easily obtained.*
> 
> *My wife wants to use the child porn thing against me in a court. *She says she wants to destroy me completely. She hacked my PC to get the evidence. I know it won't stand up in court because it was obtained illegally but it shows her determination.
> 
> *There is a lot more to this story *but I cannot post all 15 pages that I have written as part of a story of my life.* I don't know what I am looking for by posting here*.





Caboo said:


> *I understand the reactions about the child porn I was reading. I make no excuses for what I did but will try and explain *the course of events that led to it.
> 
> It was a progression from watching hetro-porn movies that is easily available from local adult shops, then onto internet sites that offer so much more. There is one particular site that offers erotic stories ranging from "normal" to perverse in content. *Mixed into this site are child porn stories. It was an easy thing for me to be attracted and driven by these stories. *
> 
> *Although this doesn't justify my actions, I only downloaded these stories for my own use*. No one else knew about them, I didn't distribute them and I never wrote or submitted any of my own. It was purely personal. I also have no thought about wanting to play out any of the fantasies that I read, meaning *I am not a pedeophile. *
> 
> I am not proud about what I did. I am remorseful and I am very pleased that I have been able to kick the habit. I will never delve into child porn ever again. It is too destructive. .
> 
> I could easily say that my wife drove me to porn and masturbation and that this is all her fault but I know that that would be unfair.


You are right to get help. Immediately. You said yourself you were attracted to it.


----------



## AgentD

Caboo said:


> I am glad that I am getting help. It didn't feel good inside to know that what I did was wrong and damaging. My counselor feels that I am doing well because I have not done the porn thing for so long with no relapse. He guides me and we have the normal discussion session. I have to go by what he tells me. He tells me that I am a good person who has recognised his wrong doing and won't do it again.
> 
> A question to everyone is this: how long do I have to stay away from porn to be able to say I don't have a problem with it any more? A year, 5 years or the rest of my life? I know the rest of my life is the best but there must be some criteria that I have to meet.


My husband is a alcoholic. Even though he has been in recovery for about 2 years now. He attends AA meetings on a regular basis. Something he learned in AA was, he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic. So if you have a porn addiction, you will ALWAYS be a porn addict. 

Most people think that once they enter a rehab program or seeing a counselor, and have been "clean" for years they are no longer a addict. Thats not true. Just because you no longer do the behavior doesn't mean you are "cured". You learn how to no longer do that type of behavior etc. But there is no actual cure.

Since my husband is an alcoholic, he can no longer drink, not for 2 years or 5 years but NEVER. He can't return to that damaging behavior. You have to learn boundaries and limitations etc. 

Actually HE CAN drink if he chooses to...but not with out serious consequences, like the loss of his family. So if you choose to return to porn knowing your an addict, you're just setting yourself up to fail. But it is a choice. You just need to keep in mind, if you didn't like who you were and didn't like what you were doing, back when you did it, then why would you want to ever return to that behavior? 

I agree about getting in a sexual addictions program.


----------



## ClipClop

You are bargaining to get porn back in your life. If you know none is best, why ask the question?

Because you are not "cured" and you will never be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop

BTW, I had a discussion with my therapist about a situation like yours. Guy never acted in it. He said so the guy isn't bad. I asked if he.would trust his grandchild with the guy he said no.

Ask your therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69

ClipClop said:


> You are bargaining to get porn back in your life. If you know none is best, why ask the question?
> 
> Because you are not "cured" and you will never be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## rag39822

Caboo: 

I just wanted to share some of my perspective, as the wife of a man who has or is recovering from his own porn addiction. It is true that at the point you admit you have an addiction you need support and accountability from your partner. It has not been an easy path with my husband, but my marriage vows mean a lot to me. I know he is working on his recovery and that he is working on our marriage. He took the steps to find help on his own, which meant a lot to me. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions from blaming myself to feeling inadequate to just being upset. We have come a long ways and I can honestly say I think we are stronger for it now. We still have a long ways to go. 

As you are working on your addiction, the truth is that your wife also needed to work on her recovery. What you chose to do did not only hurt you, it hurt her and your marriage. So, she has her own recovery to go through... she will have to go through her own recovery even though you are getting divorced. 

It is obvious from your post that both you and your wife are partially responsible for the downfall of your marriage. You are each 100% responsible for your own decisions, but each partially responsible for your marriage problems. 

I also want to tell you not to beat yourself over the head to much about the child porn. I understand the gut reactions of so many people on here, but as I have gone through a lot of training and counseling on what sexual addictions can entail and what they mean, I have come to realize that it is not so uncommon for someone addicted to porn to at least delve into child porn on some level. My husband never got to that point, but from what I have read and researched, it does not mean you would ever act on it, just as most people who view porn don't act on what they view. I want to encourage you in your recovery and realize you are not the only one out there and you are not some child porn monster. 

If you ever have any questions on my experience or how my husband's addiction has affected me and how we are working things out you can send me a personal message. I respect you for admitting you have a problem and then working on it.


----------



## ClipClop

I wonder how different you might feel if your husband did get into CP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caboo

rag39822 said:


> I also want to tell you not to beat yourself over the head to much about the child porn. I understand the gut reactions of so many people on here, but as I have gone through a lot of training and counseling on what sexual addictions can entail and what they mean, I have come to realize that it is not so uncommon for someone addicted to porn to at least delve into child porn on some level. My husband never got to that point, but from what I have read and researched, it does not mean you would ever act on it, just as most people who view porn don't act on what they view. I want to encourage you in your recovery and realize you are not the only one out there and you are not some child porn monster.
> 
> If you ever have any questions on my experience or how my husband's addiction has affected me and how we are working things out you can send me a personal message. I respect you for admitting you have a problem and then working on it.


Thank you. This is the kind of support the we addicts need. Not the draconian, knee-jerk reactions from some of this forum's members. We are here to help each other, not destroy each other. I feel that I can help someone in a constructive way if I am given a chance. I am not a fiend, I am a normal person trying to find a way back from an addiction. I will be judged one day, but not here and not now.


----------



## Chris Taylor

I'm glad you are getting help. I hope that it's *2010*, not 2011, that you haven't viewed porn 

Your other problem was revealing anything to a woman with the kind of problems you described. Stick to your therapist.


----------



## Caboo

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm glad you are getting help. I hope that it's *2010*, not 2011, that you haven't viewed porn
> 
> Your other problem was revealing anything to a woman with the kind of problems you described. Stick to your therapist.


Hi Chris
Yes it is 1st October 2010 since I lasted viewed porn. I see that I mentioned 2011 twice. Maybe I am going mad.

In hindsight, it was a huge problem admitting my addiction to my wife. That was all that she was waiting for to make her decide to divorce me instead of standing by me so that we could both get the help needed to recover properly.

She is delusional. If she could make up things out of her imagination, think of what she thought when a truth was presented. It was difficult for both of us. We both went through hell with our lives. Some were real thoughts and some were unreal thoughts.


----------



## Caboo

All quiet.


----------



## kati

My husband is addicted to porn and I hate him for it. It makes you lose total respect for a man, and if you are watching child porn, you should be in jail. Sorry, but porn abusers are just selfish and foolish. We live in the same house,and I can barely stand to look at him. It will also end in divorce if he doesn't stop, and I don't feel sorry for anyone who consumes (his or her) time with this act; especially, if he or she had/has a faithful and doting spouse. I understand that your spouse changed, but something triggered that. Perhaps, you need to start there, and be honest. Porn is a life ruiner. It is so stupid, you can sit and watch this act between another couple, and play pretend. It is really retarded. Getting off to videos. This world will only get worse. When I first got married, I thought my husband "walked on water." I used to look at him and think he is a beautiful man, and I am so lucky. Now, after I found out what he uses his cell phone for, I want to throw-up at the sight of him. Love really is blind..........




Caboo said:


> Hi Guys and Girls. Came across this site looking for answers and decided to join and tell my story. A bit long but bear with me please. I will be as brief as possible.
> 
> Married for 30 years. 4 children aged 20,22,27,29. 2 grand children. I'm 51 and wife is 48. My wife is a self confessed Control Freak and between myself and my shrink, we think she has Delusional Jealousy. All the symptoms are there. She thinks that I have been sleeping around for the last 11 years and she has attacked me physically. I have a Protection order against her.
> 
> She asked for a divorce in January and we are in the process of the divorce. We stay in the same house. It is in her name but I pay for it so we are both entitled to be there even if it is a bit of a strain. We speak to each other but all love and trust has gone from her side. I am beginning to lose love for her and want her gone as soon as possible.
> 
> When she started accusing me of having affairs, our relationship went downhill. She was not able to be intimate and give herself to me because she thought I had been with other woman. Understandable from her point of view. As a result, our sex life became strained. During a counselling session, between her and the counsellor, I was informed that if I wanted sex and she didn't, I was to "go see to myself". In other words, masturbate. I was resentful about that. We always had a few porn movies that we used to enjoy together but that soon died a death. Anyway, I started watching the porn movies by myself . This progressed to internet porn and even included reading child porn stories. Not good, I know but I never watched child porn videos or had pictures. I had no access to them. The stories are easily obtained.
> 
> All of this led to a total breakdown of our relationship. On 1st October 2011, after being accused of being a sex pervert and addict, I Googled this and realise that although I didn't fit into the pervert catagory, I could be a sex addict. I "confessed" this to my wife and said that I wanted to get help. I went to see a psychologist on a weekly basis and I have not watched one bit of porn since then. I have not had an interest to watch porn because I can see the damage that it can do.
> 
> Now, my wife, armed with the fact that I have admitted to being a sex addict, decided that this was exactly the ammo that she needed to divorce me and promptly proceeded to do so. My upset is this...when an addict of any kind stands up and admits to the addiction, he is calling out for help. Surely help should be offered and support given? I now understand that my wife despises me so much that any form of help from her would not be forthcoming. I should have kept quiet instead of thinking that my disclosure would help towards solving the problem.
> 
> My wife wants to use the child porn thing against me in a court. She says she wants to destroy me completely. She hacked my PC to get the evidence. I know it won't stand up in court because it was obtained illegally but it shows her determination.
> 
> There is a lot more to this story but I cannot post all 15 pages that I have written as part of a story of my life. I don't know what I am looking for by posting here. Maybe I just want to share my story. I don't want pity, sympathy or any other negative emotion please. I am moving forward and I realise that it is possibly my wife that needs the most help.
> 
> What could come of all of this is that I could offer advise to people in a similar position. Please feel free to contact me if you feel I can help you in any way.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


----------

