# Texting reveals sexting



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

26 years. I sensed something going south and my wife suddenly wouldn't touch me or even hug me. She told me she needed to sort things out but wouldn't talk. I check the data bill and went back 16 months and found tons of text messages from one number. I borrowed her Iphone one under the guise of doing somehting with google maps and synced the phone. I then pulled out the deleted texts and found sexting messages from the same number. I confronted her and she admitted she had been having an affair for 8 months. When she went to bed, I reverse searched the number and found out it was a mutual friend - an old good friend of mine. I called him and told him to leave her alone or I would pass the sexting to his wife. SHe was furious and admitted in Marriage counseling session that she would not give up his friendship. She told me later she had told him to leave her alone. At the session today she made it very clear she did not want to get back with me because of our past problems that never get resolved. She also told me she wasn't willing to try to work through the affair with me I knew too much and she couldn't part with his friendship. She told me she didn't love him - it was only sex. So right now we are "seperated" with her in an empty room. SHe tells me what she does is her business. All I can do is wait it out and see if decides to try and work through our problems. I am starting to plan the end and it's tearing me apart. It was going on for eight years.

What else can I do? ANy suggestions?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh and I should add, I even told her i was willing to try and work through it. Before I knew about the affair, I had tried to talk through several of her issues with her and told her after I found out that I was still willing to do what ever it took. Convinced her to just seperate and wait at least a few months for filling. She wants to move to a nearby apartment. We have 3 kids - 15,21,24.

I pray she decides to try.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Expose to his wife now!!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If I do, it would only push her away further and could cause her to be belligerent we we file. Right now she is very meek about taking me for everything and says she will work with a single lawyer which incidently has been my lawyer for 45 years. If it doesn't work out, after all the paperwork is done.......


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

And you want her why? Don't believe a word she says. Do what is required to get you through. But dump the skank. You are obviously older if you have had your lawyer for 45 years. You are her meal ticket. Protect yourself. Separate finances, cancel cards, hide your money. She wants you for comfort.....him for sex.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Defintely expose to his wife. He's still messing around with your wife most likely.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

If she does not agree to stop sexting/talking/seeing this man, your marriage is as good as over. Stop denying the inevitable and get your affairs in order. And yes, I would tell the wife of this "old friend" all about this affair. She deserves to know the truth. Stop worrying about what your wife will do....this boat has sailed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree with all these repies, she has the choice here. and she decided wrong. 
You are trying to protect your family and your marriage so she is not going along, so tell every one way she has left and that she is also welcome back when she stops all contact with OM. You are not tolorating that kind of behavior and that is why she has moved out, so if they need to contact her, she will not be at our home.
I would also tell the OM wife that her husband is interferring with my marraiage and that you are trying to repair your marraige and he is not helping, and you should ask the OMW if she could help in this matter.

Its all about your marraige and family and the obstructions that are preventing you and your wife from repairing it.
Its not about screwing her over or revenge.
Granted, she will be pissed off, but again she choose wrong


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My 24 year old daughter is upset becuase mom told her we seperating because she couldn't deal with me anymore. Said the asme thing to my 21 year old son. I want to tell both of them the truth. SHould I?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ho my god!
Start exposing now, she is doing damage controll
you are not
you will look like the bad guy and your the loyal spouse?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please take and copy any and all eviedence and Please show your kids what you have found and that is why wife has decided to move out.
Print out the records and show them what is realy going on and that you are preparing to fight this affair for them (the family) and for you marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8,
you diserve respect, you have supported your family for a long time and you are not going to come out looking good whitch is so wrong.
your wife is wrong the is the person that has strayed and you want to work this out. Granted your marriage is in trouble and that is way she strayed but now that you see this please shout as loud as you can " I want my marraige to get fixed but my wife is with another man".


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WIth 26 years of marriage , I still love her. I know there are issues in our relationship that I need to work on and besides the affair she also has baggage. SHe has always run from the problems with an "I'll thow up a wall and I don't care anymore" attitude. This made any attempts by me to work through issues worthless. The affair will be tough to get over. The issues we have tough to work through. I just can't throw it away yet. I may get to that point.

Last night she committed to letting me know if they have any type of contact - calls, emails anything. I told her I would give it until Christmas with her living in the house in another room. If she can't commit to a no-contact contract and to working on the marriage, I told her she would have to move out. If it goes that way, I told her it would be a one year seperation before filing. In the mean time, I told her we would sperate our money, bills, cc. The mortgage, her new car and all of the home utilities would still be 50% hers if she wants to maintain her share of the equity in the house. Also told her i would NOT let her take my 15 year daughter out of the house and her home.
Last night she told me she wants to seperate because she doesn't think I could ever work through it. I told her to ask her therapist on Monday if marriages with these types of problems could be saved and she said she would. She is also seeing her doctor Monday who is also my doctor. He believes she has amild form bipolar and wanted to see her after we talked to change her meds. 

Maybe I'm praying too much - just trying to find some hope. 
Still too much in Limbo.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*"Also told her i would NOT let her take my 15 year daughter out of the house and her home."*

How would you stop her?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your right I couldn't. All I can do is pray my daughter wants to stay here. I don't think my daughter is going to be very happy making the choice to leave her house and move into a tiny apartment because that is all mom can afford. If we sell the house she is going to be heartbroken because neither of us will be able keep the dog she loves so much in an apartment because it's a bigger dog. My 15 year old also has this OP listed as her godfather. And my wife doesn't want to change it and I will. Obviously this too opens a can of worms she created. How can she explain that my to my 15 year old without telling her why?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

But thanks for the shot of reality.


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## Wallflower (Oct 18, 2010)

At 15 she is old enough to handle it. Tell her why. I think she - your other children -and the other man's wife - all deserve to know the truth. Otherwise your wife will try to slant things her way in telling her story. Tell your daughter, but try to be as fair and balanced as possible, recognising that she is young and can't cope with any unpleasant details, be as dispassionate as possible, and don't be too emotional in criticising your wife.

I REALLY sympathise - and I actually do understand what you are going through. I've also been married for 26 years, and have just (last week) discovered that my husband has been having a series of 3 affairs, at one stage all 3 at once, over the last 7 years - and this came as a complete shock. 

So I do understand the pain and suffering, and the problems. I have told both my children, who are 14 and 16 (not the gory details, just the general gist).

I think if you throw open the windows and tell the children and the other man's wife, you may just stand a chance of shocking her into realisation of what it is she has done. Tell her that you want to move fast to a legal separation - but suggest that if she changes completely, gives up the other man, and becomes completely open, you might be willing to try counselling and reconciliation. But don't play her game her way - if you do you will lose.

Good luck.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

A number of people have suggested it is better to wait until I'm certain the marriage is over. Destroying her image in my kids eyes would not be good if we stayed together. My adult daughter maybe, with my 15 year old it could mess her up and cause her hate or at a minimum be very angry with her mother.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I guess I'm at a stage where I'm trying to control my reactions and not hound her. She is still telling me I know too much and she could not stay married. She has cut off contact and is trying to work through her own feelings. All I can do is wait and see if she finds a way to want to work through it. I may be an idiot for wanting to work it out, but I do. I plan on waiting to see what happens.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

you are no idiot for wanting to work things out, but do not let your sense of loyalty totally cloud your thinking. Speaking from experience I wish this forum was around when I got divorced, I would have definitely done things differently. Not that i would still be with my ex but I would have handled my divorce differently. There is alot of experience on this forum and most of the people giving you advice have been thru and/or going thru it now. 

Good luck!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

8yearscheating said:


> A number of people have suggested it is better to wait until I'm certain the marriage is over. Destroying her image in my kids eyes would not be good if we stayed together. My adult daughter maybe, with my 15 year old it could mess her up and cause her hate or at a minimum be very angry with her mother.


This is dead wrong. Right now it's your image that is being destroyed by your wife. She's telling likely everyone that she's leaving you because you're no good.

You need to expose to the OM's wife and your kids.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Think about this folks. She is going through withdrawl if she is truly sticking to the no contact she says she is. If I out her, it will put me in bad light with her and reduce her desire to consider working it out. It could also throw her back at him.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your marriage can handle her anger. I can't handle the affair. The reason why she had the affair is because she lost respect for you. If you out her she may just freak, but you need to do it .


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

8,
so very sorry for your pain. been there, "doing" that. I wish I had read the advice in this blog 6 years ago when I discovered my H was off the straight and narrow. Exposure is the only way to go. My H's family still doesn't know what happened, and now that it's mostly over, it makes much less sense to "come out" with it, because it will just make me look bad. But it could have done a lot of good then. Or not, but at least I would not carry this resentment around in me. Search for and read the steps outlined in this blog about how to end the affair. And do it, or wish you had, like me. Peace to you and your kids.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

In my opinion you are still 'giving peace a chance' while she mobilises the troops and is trying to deprive you of allies. EXPOSE HER.

You will come across as weak, that is much more likely to drive her into the arms of the other man than exposing her.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You needs to show her that you have the guts & balls that you can live with or without her. Now she bets you have no spine, so she's as pround as an arrogant queen. She dare to tell you she doesn't want to cut off friendship...HELLO?! it's not friendship, it's fuxxship to be correct.

I agree that you bring all the evidences and expose all to his wife!!

The OM must get lost!!

I assumed that you are financially independent, so you have no problem to take care of yourself? Right?

Since what your wife wanted was just SEX with her OM.

Ok, then spend some money & let the doctor take care of you. 

Do you know many men, more than 50 years old, are still young, hot & kicking in bed?!

There's no tips or tricks:

Testosterone injection + Blue pills = Ferrari 660 horsepower! 

Their once desperated wives are now very happy to have sex many times a week. 

Sorry huh, now their husbands make them too tired in bed, so no more orgasms in stock for their OMs.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> I guess I'm at a stage where I'm trying to control my reactions and not hound her. She is still telling me I know too much and she could not stay married. She has cut off contact and is trying to work through her own feelings. All I can do is wait and see if she finds a way to want to work through it. I may be an idiot for wanting to work it out, but I do. I plan on waiting to see what happens.


Spoilt wife.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I don't really get the "expose" thing. Perhaps if they are on the way out and spreading lies, that is one thing. But I don't think it does anything to help fix a marriage. 

I certainly would have a hard time admiring my husband for telling all of our friends and family what I had done. If we got back together, all it would do is make socializing with them that much more uncomfortable. 

Plus, one of the things that was tough about the affair was worrying how to tell everyone. If he did that for me, it would make it even easier to continue.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Yes MsLonely - I am giving her what she wants right now. I can only wait and see what happens. Any move I make at this point could change things from her needing to decide to being done. I hate being in this position but I have nothing to gain outing her. She tells me she has no contact. SHe considers it a control thing about the phone she bought that I have access to. She also says her schedule is her business and when she's ready to let me back into her life........ Remember my end goal is to work it out.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Yes MsLonely - I am giving her what she wants right now. I can only wait and see what happens. Any move I make at this point could change things from her needing to decide to being done. I hate being in this position but I have nothing to gain outing her. She tells me she has no contact. SHe considers it a control thing about the phone she bought that I have access to. She also says her schedule is her business and when she's ready to let me back into her life........ Remember my end goal is to work it out.


Your situation is probably the toughest one I have read as well as the one has big debts problem. There's still one thing I strongly believe that i'd recommend you to try is bring all your problems and turn to God for help. As marriage is his under His will, and He always helps fix marriage problems as long as you knock the His door by sincerely praying to Him and regreting your wrong doings.
But if you want a divorce better don't pray to Him, you would get opposite result, lol remember He is God and He only fixes marriage problems and bring you back together.
To pray to God you will have to say your marriage problems in details. According to my experiences, it's most effective to say in details than in general.
God responses to marriage problems very quickly. Pray hard quietly without disturbance, so you will see things improve in one week or 2.
Give it a try!


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

Telling your children seems like a bad decision, think about it from *their* perspective. Emotions are running high, a 15 year old doesn't need to experience that right now. Bringing them into it screams of selfishness. The "she's immobilizing the troops" seems a bit too simplistic. 

I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife regarding what she is telling your children. Come up with a "we've grown apart" or some line to feed them until it's over. Respond to the "he's no good" line by *showing* your kids otherwise. Make copies of the text messages, and be there for your kids. What's the point of pushing for a relationship is she has other ideas and is not going to be 100% committed? 

I don't think she understands that she has broken your trust, and if she wants a relationship with you, she (and you) have to be completely open! Trust has to be rebuilt, so keep to your guns about it, and if she doesn't agree, then don't waste your time pretending your marriage is being rebuilt. 

I suppose I'm of the "tell the wife of the other guy crowd." Who knows who else he may be sleeping with, putting his wife at risk for infections, etc. 

Also, you might want to get yourself tested.. 

Good luck.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

And we see that you are trying to work it out, but you are doing it on her terms! This is just wrong. Who cheated? Who had the affair? Now she turns the table on you and throws it back in your face! I will tell you what needs to be done and you best listen otherwise you will be her dishrag for an eternity! 

Firstly, you tell her she stops seeing the OM, no contact, this is over. If you find out she contacted him, you are filing for divorce and trying for sole custody of the kids. You will also tell your kids about what has happened and let them decide as to what they want to do. 

Secondly, you tell her you will not settle for anything less than complete transparency. You see her schedule, she sees yours. You see her cell phone, email accounts and the same goes for her. There is no exceptions here. She doesn't agree to that, it is divorce.

Thirdly, she needs counseling as do you and your whole family. Individual counseling to start and then some couples/family counseling. Again, she must agree to this. 

If she doesn't respect you, this relationship will never work. You simply will continue to bend and bend until the relationship breaks. She has you by the balls now and until you regain some backbone, this marriage will be hanging by a thread. Regain your honor and self-respect and your marriage may have a chance.


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