# Relations w/ new partner - Feeling self concious



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ended things with STBXH a while back and have spent the past few weeks talking to someone new. We have great conversations and have decided to go out for dinner next week. Based on our conversations I think there's a strong chance for a friend/booty call situation. (Which is exactly what I'm looking for right now :smthumbup: )

The problem? We met in a parking garage, and were both in our cars. He is a personal trainer. I am 40lbs overweight. Although I want to go out with him, I am feeling super nervous! I keep imagining I will show up and he will not have realized that I am "bigger" than he thought. And he will walk out of the restaurant or be completely disinterested. Which would really, really, suck.

For those who have enjoyed sex post D, should I cancel and wait until I am feeling 100% secure with my body? Or am I just being neurotic? I have not been with anyone in ten years besides my husband.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you've written - great conversations - he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would walk out on you on a date does he? 
It is only dinner, not a commitment. Sure you re feeling a little shaky. But you also sound ready to venture forth. Enjoy dinner. Go easy on the wine.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't think there's any need to cancel - it's just dinner!

But feeling secure in your body will be important I think - when you spend so much time just with one person you get comfortable, they know what you look like and what all your flaws are. 

Being back out there made me want to do something about it, so I started working out again. Most guys don't mind a little extra weight but they will notice if you don't have confidence in yourself. So if it makes you feel better then start - get him to personally train you


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

He's a personal trainer and your 40lbs over weight per your post. You said you have both had amazing conversations and you have a date setup. This guy see's the real you, not just your body and is interested enough to go out on a date. Have you ever watched the biggest loser. Being 40lbs over weight is a short term situation that you could change with a little hard work. Having someone like you only because your beautiful on the outside is a problem you will deal with forever. This guy is interested in you for you. I'm guessing he finds you quite attractive too


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

You are definitely all correct, I know I will feel better once I lose the weight. I have actually lost 20lbs already since before the separation. But it's a bit intimidating talking to someone who has a six pack and runs marathons when I have a tummy pooch and my preferred exercise is walking my neighbor's dog around town. And possibly stopping at the frozen yogurt place. 

I told myself I wasn't going to date at all until I lost these last few pounds, but this opportunity has presented itself and I feel a bit silly (and bummed) by the thought of refusing. Do guys really care all that much about some extra weight? I'm 5'8" and while I'm not skinny I think I carry it alright....especially with a pair of spanx on. 

The idea of possibly "being" with someone new is really, really, nerve-wracking (and exciting!) I know it's just dinner. But what happens if the spanx come off? Is this just first post-D date jitters? Does it ever go away?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Let me know how it goes, BNW -- I've got the same worries. Mine is more theoretical right now, though (hopefully not forever). From what I hear, there actually are guys out there who don't expect women to all look the same, and by that I mean like p0rn stars. I hope it's true (just jabbing at you TAM guys).


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> You are definitely all correct, I know I will feel better once I lose the weight. I have actually lost 20lbs already since before the separation. But it's a bit intimidating talking to someone who has a six pack and runs marathons when I have a tummy pooch and my preferred exercise is walking my neighbor's dog around town. And possibly stopping at the frozen yogurt place.
> 
> I told myself I wasn't going to date at all until I lost these last few pounds, but this opportunity has presented itself and I feel a bit silly (and bummed) by the thought of refusing. Do guys really care all that much about some extra weight? I'm 5'8" and while I'm not skinny I think I carry it alright....especially with a pair of spanx on.
> 
> The idea of possibly "being" with someone new is really, really, nerve-wracking (and exciting!) I know it's just dinner. But what happens if the spanx come off? Is this just first post-D date jitters? Does it ever go away?


You gotta practice on someone, right?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I was watching the steve harvey show one day. he set up a slight out of shape overweight (and I mean that in the same sense that I myself am "overweight") woman with a few different men so she could see what she was doing wrong.

one of them was a personal trainer, so to attempt to be funny or whatever, she consistently pointed out her flaws, laughed about them, and tried to pick his brain.

what he said afterwards was, she was funny and sweet, but she needed to have more confidence in herself. he wasn't sitting there looking for flaws until she started pointing them out and being uncomfortable.

moral is even though we have flaws and are aware of them, you still should be confident in your positive assets and remember that theres more to offer than rock hard abs.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hmm these are all interesting points. I can see myself having a tendency to be self effacing so I will try to avoid that. I didn't feel intimidated until we became fb friends and I saw pictures of him training people and working out all crazy. Oh and at the beach in a swimsuit. I'd rather go to the dmv, dentist, and jury duty on the same day than post swimsuit pictures of myself on fb. Like I said, when we met he was in a car so while I thought he was attractive I didn't realize he was THAT kind of fit. Now I'm worried he didn't realize I was THAT kind of chubby. (Cute chubby. But chubby.)

I was kind of thinking my first post d date would be someone a bit more like myself; funny and non-judgmental with a lil pudge. I want to step outside of my comfort zone, but this seems more like a leap. Wondering if I can put it off just a little longer... :/


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Enjoy more good conversation and stop forecasting. Insecurity is unattractive. Avoid urges to mention them. It is what it is. Roll with it. You don't start living once you are at an ideal weight or until other goals are met. You live while you are striving to meet your goals. If he is a personal trainer he must work with other than perfect physical specimens and is more aware of potential than nearly any other type of profession


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I got this said:


> Enjoy more good conversation and stop forecasting. Insecurity is unattractive. Avoid urges to mention them. It is what it is. Roll with it. You don't start living once you are at an ideal weight or until other goals are met. You live while you are striving to meet your goals. If he is a personal trainer he must work with other than perfect physical specimens and is more aware of potential than nearly any other type of profession


Perfect physical specimens usually don't need personal trainers LOL. But I get what you are saying.

Brave, the worst that could happen is that he's not interested. If not, is it that big of a deal? You could still maintain a friendship with him. Don't put so much pressure on yourself...Just be you.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Also, wear something that enhances your boobs


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> Also, wear something that enhances your boobs


:rofl:


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Angelpixie am I wrong?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> Also, wear something that enhances your boobs


:iagree: This made me spit out my drink. Those definitely got better with weight gain.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> Angelpixie am I wrong?



You talkin' to me?! (Hey! my eyes are up here! )


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Go for it OP, it is scary but fun at the same time.

Totally agree it is more about confidence than your actual size. Wear something that highlights your good (yeah boobs but not too much) and hides the parts you aren't so happy with.
Make sure you wear comfortable clothes so you aren't pulling and adjusting your clothes the whole time.

And yes there are plenty of men who are not so concerned with a little bit of extra weight, men that like women to be real and feminine.

One thing that did stand out though in your posts ios that you two seem quite opposite. Do you enjoy any form of exercise? It is good to have some common interests further down the track. Could you go to gym or other exercise together?

Hope you have a blast, being back out into the world is exciting.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He enjoys your company, you enjoy his. Go out with him as you are - we're all works in progress, even him. FAKE confidence. Any compliments should be received with a 'thank you' and do not follow with any self deprecating remarks.

If you get far enough that the spanx come off, well - by then you know he likes you well enough, right? Just keep telling yourself that and try to ignore any pangs of self-consciousness and continue to fake confidence. He'll be more attracted by that.

I'm bigger than you are and I've strutted to the bathroom/shower buck naked. Did I feel self-conscious - hell yeah! Did I act it? Noooo. He's not viewing you as you do.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Not so good update. Turns out Trainer Guy wants to go to dinner to pick my brain about career advice. He is trying to transition to a profession I use to be involved in. 

I think he's one of those people where being flirty is just a part of his personality. I misread the signs - big time. After a long conversation yesterday and him saying he needs a "mentor" I realized we weren't going on a date - it was a networking session. 

I told him we can meet for coffee and talk shop. I don't mind networking and think he might be a good contact to have. At least I'm old enough now to read the signs before I entered the faux-date zone (parallel to the twilight zone) and completely embarrassed myself. 

Still, I'm a bit bummed! People should just state what they want up front rather than lead people on. :/


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Mm. Yeah, that can be a bit of a bummer. But did he know your profession/career when he first contacted you? 

I had a guy who really liked word games - it was quite stimulating except I realized I was being analyzed. He asked "What are you looking for" on a date. Well I assumed (wrongly!) that he meant in a mate. So I listed some things that were important to me. Then he informed me he was just looking for casual friendly dates. Well my profile said I was looking for a long-term relationship so why ask me out? This was on our second date. Eh. Live and learn.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

He did know because we have a mutual friend. He pulled alongside me in the garage and honked to get my attention, first words being "Hey aren't you blah blah's friend?" Apparently we met before at a BBQ. Him and friend swear by it but I honestly don't remember. He seemed to remember a lot about me (nothing weird or stalker-ish though) including my profession.

So looks like I've made another "friend." Which is fine but makes me feel a bit silly for thinking otherwise. We're the same age but he constantly has college aged girls posting flirty talk on his FB. That should have probably been clue #1 about me being friend-zoned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped, BNW, but you are right -- it is social and networking -- you never know who might introduce you to someone you really do click with.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Rats.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Yes trying to look at this as a learning/broadening my circle experience. But feeling fussy/disappointed about it too! Sigh. 

I think it got confusing for me because initially he came on fairly strong (but it has been a while since I've flirted so who knows.) He lives by several bars downtown and told me during our first convo I could use his place as a crash pad if I didn't feeling like driving home after going out. On our most recent convo he informed me he's on some coalition against drunk driving and would let ANYONE stay over who needed to - on his couch. He then told me not to worry cause he always has clean guest bedding.

Another example: 
First convo: You are so interesting! 
Last convo: You are so interesting, it reminds me of talking to my Mom! (FYI - Him and I ARE THE SAME DAMN AGE) 

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you just can't win???


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

reminds him of talking to his MUM??!!
Smooth dude, smooth

Don't worry about it - at least you didnt' declare yourself or anything, and he may have some sexy friends


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> reminds him of talking to his MUM??!!
> Smooth dude, smooth
> 
> Don't worry about it - at least you didnt' declare yourself or anything, and he may have some sexy friends


Yikes! Sounds like he needs to work on his skills a little bit.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Interesting update (aka the plot thickens.) So basically I feel like a dumb ass for flirting with this guy and decide I'm going to cancel dinner and just shoot him an email with the career info he needs. Which I do promptly in a very boring note. Then I cut off contact with him because A) I felt stupid and B) I'm actually pretty busy. 

Meanwhile he keeps texting me and emailing - and instead of lengthy well thought out responses I'm basically like "Cool." "Nope." "Yup." "Sweet." One word responses to everything. The few times he calls I just let it go straight to voicemail. I know, kind of a jerk move. But I felt like I didn't really need a "friend" I'm developing some pathetic unrequited crush on. 

Last night I get an email from him asking why I never write back anymore to his notes. And I respond, telling him I'm just super busy and he should probably get started working on the career info I sent him (Hint hint - leave me alone McTeaseAlot)

Then I get another note that he really wants to get to know me and when can I hang out? Also it upset him a bit that I cancelled and he doesn't want to talk about just work stuff. I was telling him a long time ago I really wanted to try playing bocce ball, so he texts me a place he wants to take me where we can play. 

I'm busy traveling for work the next 6 weeks but we've set a "date" for after that. Well technically I'm not sure if it's a date, but it definitely seems like one.

Moral of the story: No risk (of rejection) no reward. I'm going for it. If he's going to be a jerk about me being chubby I'll just ditch him and grab another light beer. It's a bar - there's gotta be someone else there to talk to. 

2nd Moral of the story: if you like someone, completely ignore them.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Interesting. 

Don't think too much of it. Enjoy it for what it is. You have the correct attitude. 

Yes, if you wanna know if someone really wants to be with you and get to know you. For lack of terms, ignore them. Let your friends reveal themselves.


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