# New Here-Reconciled but Unhappy



## grushim1239

My husband and I separated in September 2014, after 11 years of marriage, with no contact and no intent to reconcile. A couple of days after Christmas, he called me, wanting to see me. I agreed, and met him in a public place. I spoke to him for a few minutes, and I was ready to leave. I still had no intent on reconciling. A couple of days after meeting him, he asked me to meet him again. I agreed once again, and we have been together since that day. I have already filed for divorce, but the papers have not been signed by the judge. The first month or so, there was a huge change in him. Now, little by little, the "old" him is starting to come back. I know that he loves me and that he'd never cheat on me. There are just things that I really dislike. Like, if I'm not at work, I'm with him. I have no time to spend with my kids, family, or friends. If I want to, he fusses and makes me feel like the worst person in the world. So I just give in to keep from arguing. I have not seen my best friend since the day that we started by talking. 

We also separated a year before that for a week, with promises of change, and things were still the same.

I'm starting to think that I went back out of loneliness. I feel absolutely horrible, because he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to lose me again. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to hurt him, again, but I'm miserable.


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## Borntohang

So, when you're off work and he's off work, you don't want to spend time with him?? (His perspective)
Let me rephrase that. When you have a day off, you don't have any "Me time". No time to visit friends without him guilting you for doing it? What has he said when you explain that to him?


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## grushim1239

I spend every second that I'm off work with him. He has his own remodeling business and I even help him when I'm away from my job. We got in an argument yesterday and I told him about spending time with my friends/family. He said that would be fine. But I know when it comes down to it, he will either argue with me about going, or he'll call me constantly.


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## RaceGirl

grushhim, I feel the same!! I just joined and yours is the first post I read. My goodness, I could have written your post. I actually came on here to get support. But, instead I'm going to support you right now. 

I dated my husband for 7 years and our 8 year wedding anniversary is in a week. We were separated for almost a year last year. Same, here, I had absolutely no intention of getting back with him because he's an alcoholic. He's been sober for over a year, thank goodness, and became sober on his own - a couple months after I kicked him out. We just got back together this past September after he was courting me and he's been sober.

But, I have no me time either and I'm really miserable too. Do you and your hubby at least have the same interests so you can do things together or are you like me wishing I had a new husband. Yes, I love my husband, my family, and love that my boys have their daddy. But, I just feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness for theirs. 

So, I get you and where your coming from. I'm in the same boat and I'm soul searching for some answers as well. Good luck new friend.

I don't know about you, but I realize I am co-dependent and a lot of my dysfunctional behavior comes from my childhood. I'm not allowed to basically do anything without him or his consent. It sucks and one day I'm just going to blow up and leave.


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## Openminded

Permanent change is difficult. Maybe he keeps thinking he can do it, because he wants you in his life, but he hasn't succeeded so far. Would he consider counseling?


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## grushim1239

RaceGirl said:


> But, I have no me time either and I'm really miserable too. Do you and your hubby at least have the same interests so you can do things together or are you like me wishing I had a new husband. Yes, I love my husband, my family, and love that my boys have their daddy. But, I just feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness for theirs.
> 
> So, I get you and where your coming from. I'm in the same boat and I'm soul searching for some answers as well. Good luck new friend.
> 
> I don't know about you, but I realize I am co-dependent and a lot of my dysfunctional behavior comes from my childhood. I'm not allowed to basically do anything without him or his consent. It sucks and one day I'm just going to blow up and leave.


We do have some common interests, but we always have to work. There is never any "fun" time. I enjoyed my time when we were separated. My kids are older, 21, 18, and 16, so I had my own time. I enjoyed not having anyone to answer to. I was able to go and do as I pleased, and spend whatever money I wanted. I have to account to him for any money that is spent, and that drives me crazy!!

I also am co-dependent and dysfunctional because of my childhood. And I realize that now more than ever!

One good thing about the situation is that we don't have any children together.


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## grushim1239

Openminded said:


> Permanent change is difficult. Maybe he keeps thinking he can do it, because he wants you in his life, but he hasn't succeeded so far. Would he consider counseling?


I think he would consider counseling.


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## lifeistooshort

So he's needy and controlling, correct? He's got to get counseling for that or it will never change. you probably shouldn't have moved back in that quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness

grushim1239 said:


> My husband and I separated in September 2014, after 11 years of marriage, with no contact and no intent to reconcile. A couple of days after Christmas, he called me, wanting to see me. I agreed, and met him in a public place. I spoke to him for a few minutes, and I was ready to leave. I still had no intent on reconciling. A couple of days after meeting him, he asked me to meet him again. I agreed once again, and we have been together since that day. I have already filed for divorce, but the papers have not been signed by the judge. The first month or so, there was a huge change in him. Now, little by little, the "old" him is starting to come back. I know that he loves me and that he'd never cheat on me. There are just things that I really dislike. Like, if I'm not at work, I'm with him. I have no time to spend with my kids, family, or friends. If I want to, he fusses and makes me feel like the worst person in the world. So I just give in to keep from arguing. I have not seen my best friend since the day that we started by talking.
> 
> We also separated a year before that for a week, with promises of change, and things were still the same.
> 
> I'm starting to think that I went back out of loneliness. I feel absolutely horrible, because he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to lose me again. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to hurt him, again, but I'm miserable.


As we get older, opportunities to make friends come few and far between. It seems that he is codependent and afraid of losing you. Try to encourage him to find ways he can socialize without you. If you guys are religious, encourage him to join a men group where he can discuss his insecurities with other men. Also, talk to him about how you are feeling about him smothering you and tell him to give you the opportunity to miss him and you'll be willing to come back on your own or when you do go out without him send him sexy text messages about coming back home to him.


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## grushim1239

lifeistooshort said:


> So he's needy and controlling, correct? He's got to get counseling for that or it will never change. you probably shouldn't have moved back in that quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he is very needy, controlling, and jealous.


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## grushim1239

maritalloneliness said:


> As we get older, opportunities to make friends come few and far between. It seems that he is codependent and afraid of losing you. Try to encourage him to find ways he can socialize without you. If you guys are religious, encourage him to join a men group where he can discuss his insecurities with other men. Also, talk to him about how you are feeling about him smothering you and tell him to give you the opportunity to miss him and you'll be willing to come back on your own or when you do go out without him send him sexy text messages about coming back home to him.


We do go to church and there is a men's group that meets monthly. He has been invited to go and I have encouraged him to go. He just won't. I've tried to get him to take the boys (my son & his son) to do something for the day and me take the girls (my daughters)to do something for the day. He won't agree to that either. I try to talk to him, but he just accuses me of not loving him. It's emotionally draining!!


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## lifeistooshort

Tell him he gets counseling or you're out. You can't live like this.

The accusing you of not loving him is a manipulation tactic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grushim1239

lifeistooshort said:


> Tell him he gets counseling or you're out. You can't live like this.
> 
> The accusing you of not loving him is a manipulation tactic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is manipulation, and it's a constant. It's so hard living like this. I just feel so bad about feeling the way that I do, because I've asked him to leave 2 times in a year and a half. I don't want to be the "evil" person.


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## happy as a clam

Counseling is in order. He cannot change this until he figures out WHY he does it. And after all these years he still hasn't figured it out on his own.

So off to the counselor he must go! Give him 3 months to make significant changes or you are going through with the divorce.

And I'm not talking about marriage counseling. I'm talking about individual counseling to help him learn to stop being so controlling. You would likely benefit from your own counseling as well, to learn how to break the cycle of codependency.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## another shot

grushim1239 said:


> The first month or so, there was a* huge change* in him. Now, little by little, the "old" him is starting to come back. I know that *he loves me *and that he'd never cheat on me. There are just things that I really dislike. Like, if I'm not at work, I'm with him. I have no time to spend with my kids, family, or friends. If I want to, he fusses and makes me feel like the worst person in the world. So I just give in to keep from arguing. I have not seen my best friend since the day that we started by talking.
> 
> We also separated a year before that for a week, with promises of change, and things were still the same.
> 
> I'm starting to think that I went back out of loneliness. I feel absolutely horrible, because *he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to lose me again*. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to hurt him, again, but I'm miserable.


Tell him. My wife and I saved our marriage that was half ruined from her inability to tell me the truth about what she is feeling. 

Read your post to him and tell him you need him to get busy going back to progress land not the past. 

Please just tell the blunt truth to him and that you are losing faith in the staying power of the changes and each time their is backsliding it takes longer to have faith in it.

If he indeed doesn't want to lose you, he will fix it. 

It is also way past time to not give in to him about what you want to do with your friends and for yourself that is completely reasonable. 

Don't give in again to spare him or yourself. He needs to get a grip on you needing other outlets. HE needs them also. It's time for him to get a hobby other than you.

Call it tough love if you want but people treat you the way you train them to treat you.


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## grushim1239

another shot said:


> It is also way past time to not give in to him about what you want to do with your friends and for yourself that is completely reasonable.
> 
> Don't give in again to spare him or yourself. He needs to get a grip on you needing other outlets. HE needs them also. It's time for him to get a hobby other than you.
> 
> Call it tough love if you want but people treat you the way you train them to treat you.


Thank you for being honest!! I know that I need to be honest with him about how I really feel. I try to tell him, but it causes huge arguments, so I clam up. 

I do need time with my friends, and I think I'm going to plan a "girls" day and if he doesn't like it, that's his problem. 

And he does need friends to spend time with also.


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## RaceGirl

lifeistooshort, "The accusing you of not loving him is a manipulation tactic" Yes, Yes, and Yes. Every time I ask my husband to get a new job, he says I'm not loving him unconditionally. Classic narcissist.


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## lifeistooshort

RaceGirl said:


> lifeistooshort, "The accusing you of not loving him is a manipulation tactic" Yes, Yes, and Yes. Every time I ask my husband to get a new job, he says I'm not loving him unconditionally. Classic narcissist.



Right? Maybe we all should gain 100 pounds and then when out husbands find us less attractive whine that they don't love us unconditionally? 

Or cut off sex and when they gripe whine that they don't love us unconditionally? 

Love doesn't mean all behavior is acceptable. What they mean is that if you love them everything would be about them and their wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grushim1239

Every time that we start to have problems, he gets "sick". When I left him a year and a half ago, he told me that he had Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. I went back, and he was miraculously cured. When I asked him to leave in September, he ended up at the Emergency Room with all kinds of things wrong with him. He forgot that because I have the health insurance, I received his EOB.....nothing out of the ordinary. Now, he's sick again. God only knows what's wrong this time.


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## lifeistooshort

Well stop letting him manipulate you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammiee

Tell him it's obvious that he hasn't changed, and you thought he changed and that's the only reason you came back and you judged him wrong, so you're gone. Don't let guilt keep you there and unhappy.


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