# 'Just' an EA!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Many people, when talking about betrayal often say 'it was just an EA' 
In my experience its the emotional part of the A that is the hardest to break and the most difficult to come to terms with.
EAs devastating to a marriage and can destroy it like a minesweeper.
To me, it's also the hardest part of the R. Knowing my H 'loved' another and had deep feelings for her is extremely difficult to get past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

As has been said by others, who have gone through it, it seems (in part at least) to have something of a gender bias in how it's percieved.

Men generally seem to place far more on the physical aspects, and women more on the emotional ones.

This is, of course a huge generalisation.

Both are affairs, though, and neither is good.

And still, in the majority of cases, it seems to be the lies that are the real killer.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If i ever said just an EA it was only in comparison to an EA/PA. I'm certain if my wife had been closer to her AP it would have been both. If an EA is bad its every bit as damaging as a PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The word "just" should never in be used when talking about any affair! "Just sex", "just texting", "just kissing", "just talking" "just" etc. BS! I told my WW that if she used "that word" at all I would walk out and never come back.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I’ll give you my point of view as an (Italian American) male.

If my wife were in an emotional affair, depending how deep she was in it, I could get over the infidelity. I would fight for her if I can get her over it in a reasonable amount of time (sorry to sound so clinical). However, if I need to fight tooth and nail to win her back and there is the fighting I often hear about here, the he can have her. You see, I’m not just one choice she can make any time she wants. The only time I was a choice for her was when I asked her to marry me, after that she’s with me or gone. Saying that, I could get over an emotional affair.

Now a physical affair for me is a different story. This is going to sound misogynist as all hell, but I don’t give a damn. My wife sleeps with another man, multiple times; I could never recover from that. She's out of the house, no contact, file for divorce and exposure. 

Worse yet would be if the sex was unprotected, that would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended). In my view there is nothing more degrading that a wife can do to a husband than to bring another man’s filth home to his bed. I would never be able to look at her again, much less touch her. If that happened to me, my wife would have to worry about more than divorce. The rest of my life would be a vendetta against her, the OM and anyone who takes her side.

Extreme? Maybe. But that’s my personality. (Edit) I could not maintain my sense of self-respect and my self-esteem knowing my wife could walk back into her role as my wife and mother of my children after hurting me so much and not experiencing the same pain and humiliation as penance.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

An EA does a lot of damage,I still feel a EA/PA is worse,my wife told me she said she loved him
And ment it at the time,POS said it but he did'nt mean it at all
WS now knows how stupid and teenage this way but it hurt the hell out of me,the pain was deep and lasting.
I almost D'd over it,if my WS had downplayed what she did we would not be doing good in our R.
It is what it is...an affair,I could not get through to her at first,she knows how terrible a EA can be.
It takes a long time to just get to a place where you can half-ass function again.
I missed a lot of work and lost a lot of sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I’ll give you my point of view as an (Italian American) male.
> 
> If my wife were in an emotional affair, depending how deep she was in it, I could get over the infidelity. I would fight for her if I can get her over it in a reasonable amount of time (sorry to sound so clinical). However, if I need to fight tooth and nail to win her back and there is the fighting I often hear about here, the he can have her. You see, I’m not just one choice she can make any time she wants. The only time I was a choice for her was when I asked her to marry me, after that she’s with me or gone. Saying that, I could get over an emotional affair.
> 
> ...


I agree TM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Saying that, I could get over an emotional affair.
> 
> Now a physical affair for me is a different story. This is going to sound misogynist as all hell, but I don’t give a damn. My wife sleeps with another man, multiple times; I could never recover from that. She's out of the house, no contact, file for divorce and exposure.


Coming from a woman, I totally agree with you. If I had had PA or EA/PA, no way could my husband forgive that. Nor could I forgive that if he had sex with anyone else. But EA? Both were able to forgive and work on R.

No, I don't see it as "just" an EA. I know exactly where it COULD have led, had either of our EA partners lived in close proximity. I'm very grateful that they did not.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> This is going to sound misogynist as all hell, but I don’t give a damn.


When did logic and good common sense become misogyny?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

calvin said:


> I agree TM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I want you to know that you are a role model for the guys around here.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Thank you. I want you to know that you are a role model for the guys around here.


?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I would lose my **** if my WH said it was "just" an EA. While I do believe I would have a harder time if he had actually engaged in a PA, I can never forget that he told me he had feelings for another woman, fantasized about her, thought about leaving me and her leaving her husband for him. Both are destructive, there are no "justs" about it.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

No doubt,a EA is a tornado in your life,couple that with a PA,its a damn perfect storm that can wipe out
Twenty years in just a couple months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just to clarify it wasn't my H who said 'just' EA although of course I got the line 'we are just friends' initially.
I think some people are just unaware of the powerful destruction of an EA. 
as some posters have pointed out,maybe it's a gender thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Just to clarify it wasn't my H who said 'just' EA although of course I got the line 'we are just friends' initially.
> I think some people are just unaware of the powerful destruction of an EA.
> as some posters have pointed out,maybe it's a gender thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I know. So many will get, from friends and family... "i just don't understand what the big deal is. It's not like they had sex"... THAT'S the issue here. So many don't see it on par, in any way, because, after all, "no sex".


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, I know. So many will get, from friends and family... "i just don't understand what the big deal is. It's not like they had sex"... THAT'S the issue here. So many don't see it on par, in any way, because, after all, "no sex".


Sounds like OW's husband when I talked to him.


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

My H had a LTA. I hate the thought of the sex, but it's the stuff like knowing he told her that he loved her and meant it, they had cosy nights watching TV, *they went for dancing lessons*!*$! they went shopping for the ingredients for their romantic dinners that he cooked for her at her flat ........ those images eat into my soul.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I agree. 

Personally, I feel an EA is more heart breaking. Anyone can have sex, but having a deep emotional bond with someone is rare to find.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

An affair is an affair is an affair. I had "just" an EA and I'm having a hard time putting the word "emotional" in there because I didn't feel anything for the OM, didn't love him, didn't even like him at times. I wasn't emotionally attached to him as a person but to the things he said/typed. It was an affair nonetheless, it was a betrayal - period.

To me personally, there was and is a sharp line between EA and PA and I believe I would draw that same line if I was the betrayed. I don't think either is a lesser offense. I do believe that EA vs. PA might make a different for some betrayed during R and I think gender might play a role as well - but everyone is different.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I had an EA. My H told me "even if you had a PA I would still want to R". I couldn't believe he said that to me. 

I did wake up from the fog months later, it never went to a PA. The OM lived too far away. 

The guilt is sometimes crippling. I can't believe I did this to a man who told me I was his world. A man who has never did anything to hurt me. Yes we were in a failing marriage, sexless for 5 years. I used that as an excuse to justify my EA. 

Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me when I think how close I came to walking away from 22 years. I am so relieved I "came to". 

I wonder if somehow this all happened so we could be in the amazing place in our marriage we seem to be in now. My marriage wasn't this amazingly good 22 years ago.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

How about having your D10 holding her father's phone when a text pops up from OW saying "of course I love you, too" and having to try to explain why daddy loves someone who isn't mom. EAs can devastate an entire family.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I think EAs hit women harder than PAs. PAs hit men harder than EAs. Why? Women are more of the sexual gatekeepers of the marriage and men are more of the emotional gatekeepers. I know there are few exceptions. Even the law says when a woman says no it's no. Thus affirming her sexual role. I won't even go into the emotional games men string women into.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I think EAs hit women harder than PAs. PAs hit men harder than EAs. Why? Women are more of the sexual gatekeepers of the marriage and men are more of the emotional gatekeepers. I know there are few exceptions. Even the law says when a woman says no it's no. Thus affirming her sexual role. I won't even go into the emotional games men string women into.


I must be an oddity, then. As upset as I was about my husband's EA, had he actually had sex with her, that would have been the end. He has stated the same thing.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I’ll give you my point of view as an (Italian American) male.
> 
> If my wife were in an emotional affair, depending how deep she was in it, I could get over the infidelity. I would fight for her if I can get her over it in a reasonable amount of time (sorry to sound so clinical). However, if I need to fight tooth and nail to win her back and there is the fighting I often hear about here, the he can have her. You see, I’m not just one choice she can make any time she wants. The only time I was a choice for her was when I asked her to marry me, after that she’s with me or gone. Saying that, I could get over an emotional affair.
> 
> ...


I agree with you and I am a woman....If I ever found out they had sex I would be gone. I have dealt with the tarnishing of our relationship by sexting etc. But sex would have sealed the deal for me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You don't get to choose how to feel with EA or PA, both have the potential to break your heart and shatter your marriage. you can sugar coat it, by adding the "just" but it's still venom to the soul.


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## Dodge (May 9, 2013)

To me, a betrayal is a betrayal. My FWH had an EA, and it devastated me. Took me 3 years to recover. The old HS GF. It has jaded me. I have zero respect for anyone who enters a relationship without exiting their previous relationship. It's all a mindset, isn't it? The grass is greener only if you don't fertilize your own grass.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I have to admit, had my H been in a full physical EA/PA R would be much more difficult, if it would ahppen at all, but, since his was a totally online/phone/texting/sexting affair with an OW, twice, who lives 1000 miles away, I feel I can move forward as long as he continues to be doing all the right things, as he is now doing.

Be assured though, that seeing texts in which they told each other "I love you" and the sexting texts and knowing that they started this twice, the 2nd time after 8 months of no contact and continued contact after her own H SAW some of the sexting texts himself, was very difficult to deal with and of course I have to wonder what would have happened had she been closer geographically. 

HE says he probably chose her because of this distance and 'probably' would not have gone farther than what they did had she been closer, but, I will never really know, will I.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Many people, when talking about betrayal often say 'it was just an EA'
> In my experience its the emotional part of the A that is the hardest to break and the most difficult to come to terms with.
> EAs devastating to a marriage and can destroy it like a minesweeper.
> To me, it's also the hardest part of the R. Knowing my H 'loved' another and had deep feelings for her is extremely difficult to get past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, and the perpetrators of EAs often don't realize this. They assume since it didn't get physical, that it shouldn't be as big a deal.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I’ll give you my point of view as an (Italian American) male.
> 
> If my wife were in an emotional affair, depending how deep she was in it, I could get over the infidelity. I would fight for her if I can get her over it in a reasonable amount of time (sorry to sound so clinical). However, if I need to fight tooth and nail to win her back and there is the fighting I often hear about here, the he can have her. You see, I’m not just one choice she can make any time she wants. The only time I was a choice for her was when I asked her to marry me, after that she’s with me or gone. Saying that, I could get over an emotional affair.
> 
> ...


Middleman, this is very interesting, given what I've read of your posts before. You seem to have a pretty reasonable stance here. In some of your other posts, it sounds more like any cheating is a dealbreaker.

That said, I have to agree with your post above for the most part. My wife had an EA. It sucked and was totally painful but we've been able to proceed (so far) as a married couple afterwards. If her EA had consummated into a PA (I'm talking sex here, not a kiss), I can't imagine I would have ever gotten over it. I would have gone after the OM something fierce too. Would have told everyone he knows, slandered him to my heart's content. Would have gone cold against my wife.

I think the reason is that she first would have surrendered her heart, then her complete moral compass and body and given it all to him. I would have never forgiven that. I would have hated her for it too.

One gray area for me that I am not sure how I would have reacted is the drunken ONS. If my W got plastered and ended up letting some guy do her and she owned up and hated herself and sucked up to me forever, I MIGHT be able to forgive that. Not sure. That's one I can't predict.

The PA with multiple sexcapades is a no brainer D situation.
As is the unprotected, he came inside her. Even once. Automatic D.


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## Sharpender (Jun 30, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yes, and the perpetrators of EAs often don't realize this. They assume since it didn't get physical, that it shouldn't be as big a deal.


I'll admit that this is the boat I'm in currently. Until about a week ago, I had no idea what an EA was...never heard of it. And then my wife told me I was having one, and had been for quite some time. I don't know what the trigger for her was yet, but she expects me to end the EA immediately.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: 'Just' an EA!*



daisygirl 41 said:


> Many people, when talking about betrayal often say 'it was just an EA'
> In my experience its the emotional part of the A that is the hardest to break and the most difficult to come to terms with.
> EAs devastating to a marriage and can destroy it like a minesweeper.
> To me, it's also the hardest part of the R. Knowing my H 'loved' another and had deep feelings for her is extremely difficult to get past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the "just" could slip my tongue sometimes, and I'm pretty sure it's because I've experienced EA/PA, and wish it had been "just" an EA.

I'm certain I would have felt pain even if one of the two hadn't been there. Not trying to minimize anything.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Just to clarify it wasn't my H who said 'just' EA although of course I got the line 'we are just friends' initially.
> I think some people are just unaware of the powerful destruction of an EA.
> as some posters have pointed out,maybe it's a gender thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I got the "just friends" thing as well. This was someone I had been with for close to 25 years and have never gone thru anything like this before..so I remember at first thinking..well maybe she is just a friend...maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. He downplayed the relationship by saying it was just some girl that he met casually and she had a friend here in Canada and was desperate to come and see her friend so she asked him if he did not mind sending her over here to visit her friend. My gut told me that something was off but he kept telling me that he was not going to contact her anymore.

ONly then a week later when I got into his private email that I realized that it was more than "just friends". First email I saw in the subject line said "I will love you forever"...I still remember to this day the sensations that came over me at that moment when I got into his email. I remember the huge adrenelin rush I got and my hands started shaking....


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

calvin said:


> An EA does a lot of damage,I still feel a EA/PA is worse,my wife told me she said she loved him
> And ment it at the time,POS said it but he did'nt mean it at all
> WS now knows how stupid and teenage this way but it hurt the hell out of me,the pain was deep and lasting.
> I almost D'd over it,if my WS had downplayed what she did we would not be doing good in our R.
> ...


I could have written this exactly, Calvin. You have soooooooo summed it up.

I wish I could press the "Like" button a hundred times!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## hmotherw (May 20, 2013)

They wouldn't see it as "JUST" if it happened to them. That's the difference...

Trust is trust, ea or pa - it's trust and it gets destroyed.

I got so tired of his damn mother saying - they are JUST friends and you need to respect that.

Respect...I have a completely different definition. 

I still am pissed about that...lol!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

When we talk about my H's A , maybe because he is a guy, and because they never met IRL , so never had an actual PA, when I ask him how he would feel if he had discovered I had been doing what HE had been doing , for 4 months, and then again for 5 months the next year, with the "I love yous", the sexting, the flirting, the talking, texting, secret email/msging accts etc., he still tries to tell me he would not be as upset about it as I am. 

I find that hard to believe. He either is trying to downplay it to keep things cool with me, or really is not in touch with the reality of it.

Back in 1998 when he had ended his first online affair and I was still talking a a woman I met in a relationship forum, he was very upset to see an email I sent her talking about him. We vented to each other from time to time , but also talked about other things. He was very upset that time and , as I told him, it's not like I declared my love for her or anything, we were just literally friends, talking.

He , maybe in self [reservation, will never fully understand how all this makes me fell. He says he know how badly he hurt me, but I still don't think he really gets my side of it, and that is frustrating.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, I know. So many will get, from friends and family... "i just don't understand what the big deal is. It's not like they had sex"... THAT'S the issue here. So many don't see it on par, in any way, because, after all, "no sex".



Ha. Yeah my H's stupid friend said that. If it ever happens to him he wont say it again, I guarantee it.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Sharpender said:


> I'll admit that this is the boat I'm in currently. Until about a week ago, I had no idea what an EA was...never heard of it. And then my wife told me I was having one, and had been for quite some time. I don't know what the trigger for her was yet, but she expects me to end the EA immediately.


And have you ended this EA?


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## Dodge (May 9, 2013)

So, I just bought my FWH an iPhone from EBay, to update his old iPhone that he had for a good long while. He wants to pare our bill down so he didn't want an upgrade. Anyhoooo.... When we activated the new phone, his old phone continued to bring in emails and texts,
It does everything except make a phone call. It just needed a wifi connection. I was even able to put it on find my phone. It's like I can see email and messages in real time if I want to. Investigative tool, I guess if needed


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