# How to explain to the kids



## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Not sure if this is the right forum. I have two boys, aged 5 and 8 - and i’m Struggling with how to explain divorce to them. For some context, H and I had previously separated for 7 months. Back then, upon the advise of our therapist we explained that daddy was moving to go to school etc etc and they took it just fine. Now, this is a final sort of thing. 

The articles I’ve read for this age range mention mommy and daddy fighting or not getting along and H and I have never ever once fought in front of the kids. Now, I’m sure they’ve noticed H’s very depressive states, but not really understood it (as that’s a huge part of the reason we’re divorcing. His inability to get help and stick to it). 

So what DO i tell them? These are two kids that for all intents and purposes see their parents getting along just fine. Thoughts?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

So, your divorcing him cuz he is depressed?


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

I should have provided more context or a link to my other thread. H and I have been married for 10 years, most of which he has been retired from the military. Last year we separated for a variety of reasons, one being that he doesn’t work. I am the sole earner. We have to boys and when they were young, on top of working full time, I had to put them in full time daycare because he was overwhelmed by being a stay at home dad. He also has repeatedly failed to deal with his depression and lack of coping skills. He is taking medication that is not working and won’t go back to get it adjusted. Last year, we separated for seven months. I was praying it would be a major wake up call. We went to counseling, he got a job and was doing much better with the kids, in January of this year I allowed him to move back in. Three months later, he quit job and is completely back to the same behaviors and patterns that left to our separation. When we are on vacation or doing fun things, life is great, but life isn’t made of vacation and he hasn’t kept a single one of the promises he made to me when we got back together. I’ve tried for years to help him and support him. Hope that provides more context.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TXTraveller said:


> I should have provided more context or a link to my other thread. H and I have been married for 10 years, most of which he has been retired from the military. Last year we separated for a variety of reasons, one being that he doesn’t work. I am the sole earner. We have to boys and when they were young, on top of working full time, I had to put them in full time daycare because he was overwhelmed by being a stay at home dad. He also has repeatedly failed to deal with his depression and lack of coping skills. He is taking medication that is not working and won’t go back to get it adjusted. Last year, we separated for seven months. I was praying it would be a major wake up call. We went to counseling, he got a job and was doing much better with the kids, in January of this year I allowed him to move back in. Three months later, he quit job and is completely back to the same behaviors and patterns that left to our separation. When we are on vacation or doing fun things, life is great, but life isn’t made of vacation and he hasn’t kept a single one of the promises he made to me when we got back together. I’ve tried for years to help him and support him. Hope that provides more context.


Did he see any fighting in the service? Is it possible it's PTSD?


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Did he see any fighting in the service? Is it possible it's PTSD?


No. Coast guard and posted stateside the entire time


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

TXTraveller said:


> Not sure if this is the right forum. I have two boys, aged 5 and 8 - and i’m Struggling with how to explain divorce to them. For some context, H and I had previously separated for 7 months. Back then, upon the advise of our therapist we explained that daddy was moving to go to school etc etc and they took it just fine. Now, this is a final sort of thing.
> 
> The articles I’ve read for this age range mention mommy and daddy fighting or not getting along and H and I have never ever once fought in front of the kids. Now, I’m sure they’ve noticed H’s very depressive states, but not really understood it (as that’s a huge part of the reason we’re divorcing. His inability to get help and stick to it).
> 
> So what DO i tell them? These are two kids that for all intents and purposes see their parents getting along just fine. Thoughts?


It really doesn’t matter what caused his depression, if he isn’t taking any steps to fix it you are not obligated to stay and have it negatively impact you and the kids. 

As far as telling them, I would stick to how it impacts them logistically. Kids are self-centered so tell them what will stay the same and what will change. If you are staying in the house tell them they will keep their same rooms, go to the same school/daycare, still see their friends as usual. What was the arrangement for him seeing the kids when you separated last year? Will it be similar when you divorce? You can reference that “remember when Dad didn’t live with us last year but you spent time with him on XYZ days? We are going to work out the details but it will sort of be like that.”

You don’t actually need to tell them why unless they ask. They might not. You can tell them Mom and Dad figured out they are better off in the long run as friends than a married couple. 

We did it all wrong btw. If I could go back in time I would do the above.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some children adjust better than others but it can take awhile. At their age, the less change there is to their routine will help them deal with their new reality. Children are quick to blame themselves for their parents divorcing so you want to reassure them often that this isn't their fault. Divorce is a huge change for everyone in the family and it takes time to settle in but it can be done.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell them the truth in a kid friendly way. You do kids a disservice when you hide from them the difficulties in life.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Bluesclues said:


> It really doesn’t matter what caused his depression, if he isn’t taking any steps to fix it you are not obligated to stay and have it negatively impact you and the kids.
> 
> As far as telling them, I would stick to how it impacts them logistically. Kids are self-centered so tell them what will stay the same and what will change. If you are staying in the house tell them they will keep their same rooms, go to the same school/daycare, still see their friends as usual. What was the arrangement for him seeing the kids when you separated last year? Will it be similar when you divorce? You can reference that “remember when Dad didn’t live with us last year but you spent time with him on XYZ days? We are going to work out the details but it will sort of be like that.”
> 
> ...


Wow. This is really exactly the advice I needed.... ok so what if the kids ask why? I think that’s what I’m the most nervous about as I dont want to make them view their dad in a negative light at all. Thoughts?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> It really doesn’t matter what caused his depression, if he isn’t taking any steps to fix it you are not obligated to stay and have it negatively impact you and the kids.


This bears repeating. A perfect sentence.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Tell them, in language that they'll comprehend and understand!

And, more especially, let them know that it's not their fault!*


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This bears repeating. A perfect sentence.


Thanks, had a prelim mtg with an atty today. I may keep searching because I felt we might not be a good fit- but that’s prolly a different topic.

Today H was all teary in that he doesnt want to give up and that he’d stopped taking his meds THREE WEEKS ago (which sent me through the roof) and that he’s back on them again, he called his psychiatrist that the anxiety is so bad but he is trying. I broke down and told him that i cant keep living this way that it’s too much for me and that ive done everything that I can think him to stand by his side to get through this but he hasn’t been doing his part.... all the energy i have to type right now. I’m absolutely zapped.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> Thanks, had a prelim mtg with an atty today. I may keep searching because I felt we might not be a good fit- but that’s prolly a different topic.
> 
> Today H was all teary in that he doesnt want to give up and that he’d stopped taking his meds THREE WEEKS ago (which sent me through the roof) and that he’s back on them again, he called his psychiatrist that the anxiety is so bad but he is trying. I broke down and told him that i cant keep living this way that it’s too much for me and that ive done everything that I can think him to stand by his side to get through this but he hasn’t been doing his part.... all the energy i have to type right now. I’m absolutely zapped.


If you're not fully comfortable with that attorney, definitely keep looking. This is likely going to be the most important business relationship of your life. Keep looking until you're completely satisfied. 

Wishing you the best,
Take care.
Yeti


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is going to try to reel you back in again. He'll take his medications, start looking for another job, etc. It will be difficult to walk away once he starts trying again but if you don't then you'll be in this up/down cycle with him for the rest of your life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

TXTraveller said:


> I should have provided more context or a link to my other thread. H and I have been married for 10 years, most of which he has been retired from the military.


So... am I understanding here he is retired after 20 years military?

ETA: I just read the other thread... have my answer.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Your husband is going to try to reel you back in again. He'll take his medications, start looking for another job, etc. It will be difficult to walk away once he starts trying again but if you don't then you'll be in this up/down cycle with him for the rest of your life.


This is what I experienced yesterday. He is coming out of the low cycle of his depressive moment and he is wanting me to not be angry with him and he is ‘trying’.... he told me that he stopped his meds for 3 weeks and just started taking them again. I lost it... after everything we’ve been through and everything he promised WHY would he do that? 

I told him this wasn’t working and while i’m Always going to be glad that he keeps trying it’s not fair to me anymore because i can’t really keep getting my hopes up over and over again. Was an unresolved convo. Didn’t really click with the first attorney I met with so going to keep up the search for a better fit.


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