# snooping on your partner... How do you answer when friends ask.....



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

.......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?

I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.

Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's a sad state of affairs, but if you are suspicious of something it's a good idea to either ask or snoop. Personally, I'd probably do both.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

At sometime everyone in a relationship has felt the need to snoop about. Whether it be because the behaviors of the partner have changed or a feeling of anxiety over the strength of the relationship has developed.
Id do both look about and ask questions


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

For me I would rather just outright confront than snoop. Ask my significant other to open their phone or Facebook account right in front of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The thing is, when you decide to snoop you have to be prepared to confront - no matter what the consequences. It's still better to know, though, than to be left wondering, IMO...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

richie33 said:


> For me I would rather just outright confront than snoop. Ask my significant other to open their phone or Facebook account right in front of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I will address this one. What would you do, in that situation, if your SO refuses and comes up with lame excuses as to why you can't look? Would you snoop then? And before you say "yes", think about this... when you confront right away, your SO then knows you are suspicious. Because she knows you're suspicious, she is more likely to delete before you have a chance to look at anything. 

I snooped. I had his phone because our son wanted to do something on the computer and I needed his phone to do it. Then I got this odd feeling to look at his texts. And THEN I confronted him on it that same day. He continued speaking to her for a few days after. But we agreed to allow each other access to everything at any time we wanted. I took his phone one morning a few days later and he tried to stop me. When I asked what he was hiding, he claimed "nothing"...so I said there should be no reason I can't look. He finally relented, and I learned I was right. It STILL took a couple days for him to go NC with her. But he did it.

Now, had I not looked, I would never have known. Sorry, I would snoop all over again. I don't go through all of his texts and emails, etc anymore... but we are both free to do so at any time.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> It's a sad state of affairs, .


I agree 100% with this part^^

However,
If our relationship deteriorate to the point where i feel the need to 
" snoop ",
Then I'm gone. I cannot love like that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married 21 years and I've never snooped. 

I think it's sad that people have reason and/or the need to do this. It is a sad state of affairs.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

I snooped. There was nothing. She is an honest, comitted well balanced person. She discovered I snooped and I lost her. Be careful. Im not taking the high oral ground here. Hell I was the one snooping around. Im just saying be careful.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't call it snooping, I think from the get go relationships should have openness and transparency. If you don't have that then I think there is something wrong.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I've been married 21 years and I've never snooped.
> 
> I think it's sad that people have reason and/or the need to do this. It is a sad state of affairs.


Yes, it is a sad state of affairs when your partner who expects you to make them the focus of your life has stuff to hide from you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maricha75 you had idea something was up. Your not wrong at all for your approach.
But for me if I asked my wife and she refused then I had my answer something was up.
My issue with " snooping" is when it is unhealthy. If you don't find something, then leave it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I eas force to look around and check out things. My W's behaviour had changed since meetting her BFF and suddenly there was a new life being created that I and my family were not privi. When things came out she realised that for 3 years she had been basically disengaged and was starting to text and talk more to the BFF than to her own family, me included and when an issue arose at home she wanted to tall her bff an about stuff that was our business I let loose a little pointed out a few facts which I m pleased were supported by the family as well. She realised that the "friendship" was begining to destroy our marridge. But It forced me to check out everything as I counldnt put my finger on what was wrong simply that there was an issue an it was getting outside controllable very soon. Am I glad I snooped about, no not really but I had to defend amy marridge and if that took covert work to do so be it. Im not big or cleaver to have to do these things but if there is something starting to happen and you need to know AADND the other party is clearly not giving much away you need to check.
If by snooping you find a catalogue of things and you do nothing about it then OK youve made the decison not to fight for your marridge. But ask yourself, "if I didnt look and check when something has been wrong for a while and suddenly the other party comes home packs and goes" would you not then wish youd just have checked? 
Look about on TAMand see how many people say " I didnt see it coming"......... Its such a fine line. My W once said she thought I was starting something with a co worker who worked 4oo miles away but she didnt do anything about it - I asked why she simply said I realised that you never go there, they dont come here and you speak to her only periodically - I asked her how she knew that, the smile told me shed checked. I have to admit I felt ok about it because Id nothing at all to hide and now she saw that even when it was put in front of me on a plate Id refuse the offer no matter who the lady offering was. 
Trust is vital in any relationship but when someting happens that causes someone to see their loved one in a differing light for what ever reson then I believe its ok to just check out that the foundations are still solid on the thing youve built and love. (IMO anyway) And in that I agree with richie!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I see nothing wrong with snooping. But the information you gain when doing so, is for yourself only. You don't get to bring it up directly or directly use it against the person. You can use it for knowledge for what to do or how to improve or change something, but thats it. Same goes for when you find out something about a friend in a manner that you maybe were not suppose to. You should not use that knowledge in a negative way, it's wrong.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Snooping being right or wrong depends on what motivates someone to use it. No relationship is without doubts or fears, and snooping can be a way to confirm that "everything is OK on the home front". 

The peace of mind can actually *prevent* doubts and potential confrontations when, for example, a wife says "I met a cute single guy at work today and he hit on me, unsuccessfully". A couple months with a GPS tracker installed on her smartphone can put your mind to rest after reviewing where she spends her lunch breaks every day  If she's true blue, no need for any follow-up snide comments to her about that cute guy.

But it's very dangerous. The source of the negative information you potentially gain from it can never be revealed to your SO unless it's in divorce court or at an arbitrator's office. It's for your use only. If you reveal it, you might be committing a relationship mistake as large as his/hers, in their eyes.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> .......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?
> 
> I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.
> 
> Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.


I have met a LOT of those judgemental people. They don't get it because they haven't been there, and so I would just ignore a lot of it - and especially, I don't call it 'snooping' - that's their word and it's deliberately negative, along with 'spying'. What you are doing (and what I have done) is to take steps to protect my marriage. That isn't summing it up in one word of course, but you could also call it 'marriage/relationship protection or 'marriage/relationship insurance' or whatever. One way to justify it - not that, imo, it needs to be justified, because if they don't like you doing it, that's their tough youknowwhat - is to tell them that your marriage (or relationship) is important to you, and you would rather know where you stand before you take 'final' action. 

I have checked up on my husband's behavior when certain behaviors of his suggested to me that I might be right to do so. Every time I have checked, I have been right to check. There hasn't been a physical affair (so far as I am aware), but he has had a couple of EA's and has also been using porn. I don't care to get into whether it's okay to use porn, just sufficient to say that it's not okay _to me_ that he uses porn, while depriving me of sex. 

So, that's my take on it. And I'm still married to him, and intend to stay married to him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What I find interesting is that your employer can do "investigations" on you, not let you know or approve of them. And whether you get the job, or keep the job, can be dependent on the information that they gather from that investigation, even if they don't make an effort to verify what they have.

And I would have to say, in this day and age, having the means to support yourself is far more important than a relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> What I find interesting is that your employer can do "investigations" on you, not let you know or approve of them. And whether you get the job, or keep the job, can be dependent on the information that they gather from that investigation, even if they don't make an effort to verify what they have.


The difference is what they call a "reasonable expectation of privacy". Most people expect to be investigated before they get hired not necessarily in a relationship. 

Not many people do this type investigating on people nor is it expected. Many people wrong or right expect privacy in their private lives - not so much at work.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> The difference is what they call a "reasonable expectation of privacy". Most people expect to be investigated before they get hired not necessarily in a relationship.
> 
> Not many people do this type investigating on people nor is it expected. Many people wrong or right expect privacy in their private lives - not so much at work.



I agree it's one thing to give up references and agree to checks at university (transcript), but employers also call their contacts that they know who may have worked for the same company as the candidate has and so on. These people may think that they know that person, but what verification is there? This is not agreed to. I realise that this cannot be regulated but it still happens. 

And as much as I value personal relationships, being able to support yourself is important and certainly contributes to healthier personal relationships. (ie, you would be less likely to stay with someone abusive if you could financially support yourself).


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I never snooped once in 17 years. Had no reason too. Then H had an EA txt A.
It devastated our marriage and I went into snoop overdrive.'it almost killed me. Now we are in R I 'snoop' now and again, but that's part of the path we are now on. We have no passwords now, no secrets, total transparency is the order of the day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> .......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?


I would answer by not sharing with them on this level any longer. The whole question of why one would stay in a relationship is disrespectful because it presupposes you are some kind of dummy for staying.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm struggling with this. My H is extremely secretive and protective of his computer. The other day he accidentally left his phone in my car, and I looked at the texts. Yes, I found something that distressed me.

I value privacy and space in a relationship, have never been jealous, have never suspected any ex of cheating- in fact they've complained that I am too independent...etc.

But after I saw that text, along with a gut feeling I've had that something was going on, I've been obsessed with finding out. I just want to KNOW so I know how to react. I'm tired of being off balance all the time.

There is no point in asking. (I tried) You'll just be accused of being paranoid. I actually did ask that he give me access to all his accounts right then and there, and he hesitated- I didn't actually make him do it- maybe I should have. 

As far as I'm concerned the only way to really know is to use a keylogger. If they know you have their passwords it's very easy to open a secret Gmail account.

I have not done the spy software- yet. I don't like the idea of it at all. It is hard to understand the feeling unless you've been there. It's a crappy situation to be in as a spouse. I would have never thought I'd be here.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I see nothing wrong with snooping. But the information you gain when doing so, is for yourself only. You don't get to bring it up directly or directly use it against the person. You can use it for knowledge for what to do or how to improve or change something, but thats it. Same goes for when you find out something about a friend in a manner that you maybe were not suppose to. You should not use that knowledge in a negative way, it's wrong.


How is this possible if your 'snooping' confirms your worst fears and your spouse is having an affair? You just don't mention it?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

We have each other's passwords. Don't need them anyway because we leave our computers on 24/7 and use the same cell phone. 

She used to snoop a lot in the beginning, but never found anything amiss. 

Nobody else's business we're that transparent.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Do you check on your investments to make sure everything is running smoothly and no issues are arising? Do you get a physical at least once a year to make sure your health is maintained and no issues are arising? Do you check your bank account on payday? Do you check on your children/family to make sure there are no issues arising?

In a marriage your finances, physical/mental health, children, and home are tied together legally/emotionally. So your damn right I'm a "snoop", spot check, and evaluate Myself, MY Spouse and My Family to Prevent/Fix/Adjust any issues as they occur.................pssssst checking a few emails on your spouses phone, or checking out a spouses new hobby/acquaintance/coworker/friend is a small part of protecting the that investment.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm thinking that maybe most people don't like / don't understand snooping because they don't see a connection between knowing the truth of what your partner is doing and their wanting to change.

I know I am trying to make sense of my situation. That is, for a while, my fiancé insisted that they were only friends; that they always went dutch when they went out and so on. when he knew that I knew that that wasn't, true, it became an incredible transformation in how we treated me from cavalier to wanting to do everything right and of course, in excising her from his life. 

And I ask myself as well, why would my knowing the truth of the matter make him want to change?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> How is this possible if your 'snooping' confirms your worst fears and your spouse is having an affair? You just don't mention it?


An affair is the extreme of what one can find when snooping. Quite often snooping can be small things like finding stuff they have bought/how much they spent, or somewhere they have been or things they are or are not doing. An affair is the extreme end of the spectrum, but I still feel like if you gain that knowledge you should find another way to bring the truth out.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AlphaHalf said:


> Do you check on your investments to make sure everything is running smoothly and no issues are arising? Do you get a physical at least once a year to make sure your health is maintained and no issues are arising? Do you check your bank account on payday? Do you check on your children/family to make sure there are no issues arising?
> *No, No, No, and not that often. It is easier to assume things are good and hope for the best.*
> 
> In a marriage your finances, physical/mental health, children, and home are tied together legally/emotionally. So your damn right I'm a "snoop", spot check, and evaluate Myself, MY Spouse and My Family to Prevent/Fix/Adjust any issues as they occur.................pssssst checking a few emails on your spouses phone, or checking out a spouses new hobby/acquaintance/coworker/friend is a small part of protecting the that investment.


As for snooping for small things, yes that is fine in a relationship. But you should not bring those things up if you find them by snooping. You can do something about it, but you got it in a dishonest way so you don't get to use it against them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> *An affair is the extreme of what one can find when snooping. *Quite often snooping can be small things like finding stuff they have bought/how much they spent, or somewhere they have been or things they are or are not doing. An affair is the extreme end of the spectrum, but I still feel like if you gain that knowledge you should find another way to bring the truth out.


I think not..... many a wife of a terrorist has claimed that she had no idea...... oops, but of course, they only learned when they saw their late husband's photo on the evening news.

Ok, gbrad, so I guess you're right this time.

And one other thing I would like to add, yes adultery is wrong and hurtful to the faithful partner. But I would rather that than have a husband who was doing something illegal and had to do jail time.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think not..... many a wife of a terrorist has claimed that she had no idea...... oops, but of course, they only learned when they saw their late husband's photo on the evening news.
> 
> Ok, gbrad, so I guess you're right this time.
> 
> And one other thing I would like to add, yes adultery is wrong and hurtful to the faithful partner. But I would rather that than have a husband who was doing something illegal and had to do jail time.


You're right, I wasn't thinking illegal type things, just stuff that happens within a relationship.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> No, No, No, and not that often. It is easier to* assume* things are good and hope for the best.



.......ok buddy, good luck with that.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree, continual snooping has little place in a healthy marriage. However, if you are seeing red flags everywhere, and being systematically deceived, what other choice do you have? Cuckoldry, I guess.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I see nothing wrong with snooping. But the information you gain when doing so, is for yourself only. * You don't get to bring it up directly or directly use it against the person.* You can use it for knowledge for what to do or how to improve or change something, but thats it. Same goes for when you find out something about a friend in a manner that you maybe were not suppose to. You should not use that knowledge in a negative way, it's wrong.


Ummm... no. Had I used THAT tactic, my husband would have continued talking to the OW and likely have progressed further. Had I used that tactic, I would be here lamenting the fact that my husband is in an emotional affair and I don't know how to get him out of it. Saying you can't bring it up directly to your spouse is complete and utter bullsh!t. You absolutely DO need to bring it up to him or her if you learn that he or she is cheating. I can't believe you actually said that. And ftr, it isn't something the loyal spouse needs to change, but the cheater. And how can the cheater change if the loyal spouse says nothing? Again, saying that you can't bring it up to the other spouse is bullsh!t.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> An affair is the extreme of what one can find when snooping. Quite often snooping can be small things like finding stuff they have bought/how much they spent, or somewhere they have been or things they are or are not doing. An affair is the extreme end of the spectrum, but* I still feel like if you gain that knowledge you should find another way to bring the truth out.*


And what, pray tell, would you suggest? Sorry, not confronting when you have all the proof you need is a ridiculous suggestion. Of course, if you were the one betrayed, you would agree with that. If you were the one who cheated, you wouldn't... if you are considering cheating, you are more likely to disagree with it as well.... hmmmm......


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... no. Had I used THAT tactic, my husband would have continued talking to the OW and likely have progressed further. Had I used that tactic, I would be here lamenting the fact that my husband is in an emotional affair and I don't know how to get him out of it. Saying you can't bring it up directly to your spouse is complete and utter bullsh!t. You absolutely DO need to bring it up to him or her if you learn that he or she is cheating. I can't believe you actually said that. And ftr, it isn't something the loyal spouse needs to change, but the cheater. And how can the cheater change if the loyal spouse says nothing? Again, saying that you can't bring it up to the other spouse is bullsh!t.


You find another way. This is probably the passive aggressive part of me coming out, but I just think it is wrong. I have no problem with snooping. It's how you use what you learn when you snoop. I always snooped on roommates throughout college. It gave me a chance to gain some knowledge and learn how to better interact with them at times. I couldn't use that knowledge against them, but more just for my own gain on how to do things better or differently. (just one example). People want others to know what they are thinking and what they are feeling, they just don't always want to come out and say it. So the information comes out in other ways.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> And what, pray tell, would you suggest? Sorry, not confronting when you have all the proof you need is a ridiculous suggestion. Of course, if you were the one betrayed, you would agree with that. If you were the one who cheated, you wouldn't... if you are considering cheating, you are more likely to disagree with it as well.... hmmmm......


To me this isn't just about cheating. It is just an overall concept. I understand that a lot of the snooping that is being talked about here has to do with cheating. But to me it is still the same idea. If you gain knowledge about a potential or actual affair, it gives you better ammunition. But you have to smart about how you use it. If you come right out and tell them what you did and how you know, they will never trust you either. I know I sure wouldn't. If both people lose trust in one another, you got nothing left.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> To me this isn't just about cheating. It is just an overall concept. I understand that a lot of the snooping that is being talked about here has to do with cheating. But to me it is still the same idea. If you gain knowledge about a potential or actual affair, it gives you better ammunition. But you have to smart about how you use it. If you come right out and tell them what you did and how you know, they will never trust you either. I know I sure wouldn't. If both people lose trust in one another, you got nothing left.


And if one is cheating on the other...you got nothing. The trust is gone once one steps out, whether physically or emotionally.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> And if one is cheating on the other...you got nothing. The trust is gone once one steps out, whether physically or emotionally.


But if the other person knows you snoop on them, they have no reason to trust you. What is the point of reconciliation if neither person trusts the other?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> You find another way. This is probably the passive aggressive part of me coming out, but I just think it is wrong. I have no problem with snooping. It's how you use what you learn when you snoop. I always snooped on roommates throughout college. It gave me a chance to gain some knowledge and learn how to better interact with them at times. I couldn't use that knowledge against them, but more just for my own gain on how to do things better or differently. (just one example). People want others to know what they are thinking and what they are feeling, they just don't always want to come out and say it. So the information comes out in other ways.


No, you don't find another way to end an affair. That's ridiculous. I wouldn't snoop on a roommate.. never did. I was one of those odd people who learned things about her roommates by *gasp* ASKING them... go figure. 

But spouses and roommates are two different things. And I will tell you honestly... if I ever have that "gut feeling" again, I absolutely will look into his texts, emails, and anything else I can get ahold of. And, I would confront him, again. Passive aggressive doesn't work to get your spouse out of an affair.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> No, you don't find another way to end an affair. That's ridiculous. I wouldn't snoop on a roommate.. never did. I was one of those odd people who learned things about her roommates by *gasp* ASKING them... go figure.
> 
> But spouses and roommates are two different things. And I will tell you honestly... if I ever have that "gut feeling" again, I absolutely will look into his texts, emails, and anything else I can get ahold of. And, I would confront him, again. Passive aggressive doesn't work to get your spouse out of an affair.


Why wouldn't you snoop on a roommate? I always did and expected them to do the same. Now, how well each different person snoops will determine how much they find. But again, never used that information against them, just for myself. Knowing that, if there was something I really didn't want found, I took extra care to hide it. But somethings I left out because I wanted them to be found. 
As for spouses, same type of concept applies. For a spouse to get out of an affair, it needs to happen because they want to get out of it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> But if the other person knows you snoop on them, they have no reason to trust you. What is the point of reconciliation if neither person trusts the other?


Gbrad, you and I have gone round and round on this too many times. You have already said, more than once, that you would welcome an affair. We will never agree on the subject, as long as you see nothing wrong with it.

Now, trust CAN be rebuilt. If you look at some in CWI who have reconciled/are reconciling, it CAN be done. And you know how my husband and I have done it? We allow each other full access to everything. We do this willingly. It is one way we have been rebuilding the trust.

The thing is, Gbrad, you can't fully understand this unless you have gone through it. And this is definitely NOT something I would wish on anyone else.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Why wouldn't you snoop on a roommate? I always did and expected them to do the same. Now, how well each different person snoops will determine how much they find. But again, never used that information against them, just for myself. Knowing that, if there was something I really didn't want found, I took extra care to hide it. But somethings I left out because I wanted them to be found.


Again, I had no REASON to snoop on my roommates. Why is that so difficult to comprehend? :scratchhead: I actually asked them questions to learn things about them. 



gbrad said:


> As for spouses, same type of concept applies. For a spouse to get out of an affair, it needs to happen because they want to get out of it.


The only part of this I agree with is that the spouse has to want out of the affair. But to apply a passive aggressive tactic to do it? Seriously? Yea, keep telling yourself that will work.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Snooping on roommates is creepy. I can't see any reason to do it unless they were stealing from you. Snooping on a cheating spouse is justified and required. Cheating is by definition hiding things that the loyal party deserves to know.

It is quite obvious that gbrad has no experience with infidelity.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Smart people pay attention to their surroundings. If red flags happen to pop up then why would anyone not pay closer attention.

Intuition shouldn't be discounted.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I don't call it snooping, I think from the get go relationships should have openness and transparency. If you don't have that then I think there is something wrong.


I agree. Proper boundaries and openness should eliminate the need.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

OnTheRocks said:


> Snooping on roommates is creepy. I can't see any reason to do it unless they were stealing from you. Snooping on a cheating spouse is justified and required. Cheating is by definition hiding things that the loyal party deserves to know.
> 
> It is quite obvious that gbrad has no experience with infidelity.


I don't agree with the creepy comment, but I guess that is a difference of opinion. I do agree that snooping on a spouse is justified, they don't even have to be cheating to make it justified. It is not the snooping I disagree with, it is what you do with that information. 
You are right that I have no experience with infidelity, but I don't see how that changes anything. Just because someone hasn't done something doesn't mean they can't have an opinion or feelings towards a situation.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I see nothing wrong with snooping. But the information you gain when doing so, is for yourself only. You don't get to bring it up directly or directly use it against the person. You can use it for knowledge for what to do or how to improve or change something, but thats it. Same goes for when you find out something about a friend in a manner that you maybe were not suppose to. You should not use that knowledge in a negative way, it's wrong.


I disagree.

The only time I snooped I discovered my partner was exchanging flirty emails with another woman, and he was discussing difficulties in our relationship with her. I confronted him immediately and told him that I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour in a relationship, as I considered it emotional cheating. This gave him the opportunity to shape up or ship out, and fortunately he chose the former.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> *Why wouldn't you snoop on a roommate? I always did and expected them to do the same.* Now, how well each different person snoops will determine how much they find. But again, never used that information against them, just for myself. Knowing that, if there was something I really didn't want found, I took extra care to hide it. But somethings I left out because I wanted them to be found.
> As for spouses, same type of concept applies. For a spouse to get out of an affair, it needs to happen because they want to get out of it.


Oh really, now? And you're trying to grab the moral high ground here? I would be less likely to snoop on a roommate because our lives are less intertwined than they would be with a partner, whether married or unmarried and living together or not.

What you share with a roommate is very explicit - sharing living space and some expenses. You do not necessarily share the same friends; share free time with one another; coordinate holiday time together to see each other's families; agree to not have a similar relationship with anyone else....... and that'before living together or being married.

So when I am giving up that much to one other person and that's what they want, well, buddy they owe and I want to know if my investment is in the right place.....


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Here is the other issue with snooping. If you find nothing significant and realize that you were wrong when snooping for an affair, what then? 
Many of you act as if the ends justifies the means when snooping for an affair. But it is wrong to pick and choose that time alone when the ends justifies the means. Snooping and finding nothing completely puts you in the wrong based on the descriptions here that it is okay if you find an affair. Do you fess up to your snooping then and what is the consequence at that point? 
Where else in a relationship does the end justify the means?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Here is the other issue with snooping. If you find nothing significant and realize that you were wrong when snooping for an affair, what then?
> Many of you act as if the ends justifies the means when snooping for an affair. But it is wrong to pick and choose that time alone when the ends justifies the means. Snooping and finding nothing completely puts you in the wrong based on the descriptions here that it is okay if you find an affair. Do you fess up to your snooping then and what is the consequence at that point?
> Where else in a relationship does the end justify the means?


I have no idea of the point you are trying to make here.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I have no idea of the point you are trying to make here.


That if the ends justifies the means when snooping for an affair, that logic has to apply to other situations (most people don't agree with the ends justifying the means). 
And if someone snoops and finds nothing, they could be the one who has to earn back trust instead of the other way around.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Knowledge is good.

Ignorance is bad.

Choosing ignorance is like sticking your head in the sand because you don't want to know the truth.

Snooping on a spouse is "relationship insurance". It tells you how healthy your relationship is. However, the information you gain by snooping could give away that you have been snooping, and that in itself could end the relationship. How you use the information could be dangerous, but that doesn't make it off limits .... only something you need to be careful with. Dropping a bomb on a spouse once you discover their cheating, or other inappropriate behavior, will elicit a defensive reaction. Once that happens, you've lost the ability to use the information to heal the wounds in the relationship.

Better to use the information you gain by snooping to allow you to set up "chance" methods to discover the information in a more innocent manner. 

For example: If your spouse has lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex every Tuesday at a local restaurant, maybe arrange to be there one day with someone you work with (same sex) and pretend it was a chance thing. This keeps defensive behavior and "what you did was worse" out of the equation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The Government always say, if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear. This is what they use to justify all sorts of databases and snooping mechanisms that you may or may not be aware about. There are plenty of stories of how ordinary people were shopped by their neighbours to the IRS.

Gbrad, do you campaign against your government for their activity. And whether you do or not, do yo stop to think about how much more
1) authority
2) resources
they have to humiliate, bankrupt and incarcerate you.

And yet, you want to spend your time on a message board that talks about exclusive relationships.

BTW, how much advantage have you gleaned from snooping on your roommates?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I disagree.
> 
> The only time I snooped I discovered my partner was exchanging flirty emails with another woman, and he was discussing difficulties in our relationship with her. I confronted him immediately and told him that I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour in a relationship, as I considered it emotional cheating. This gave him the opportunity to shape up or ship out, and fortunately he chose the former.


So talking to a friend about relationship troubles is bad? I guess that means marriage counceling is out of the question.

On a more serious note, you might actually be right. I've heard _horrible_ advice from friends, especially if it's with a group of friends. Men and women both seem to go out of their way to be retarded *******s when there is a crowd. 
"That ho is crazy! You should dump her and find another one!" (based on some minor problem that could easily be fixed)
"Your husband is such a ****! You should start cheating on him just to show him you're the boss!"
Then all of the other men or women of the group jump on that first statement and agree with it no matter how dumb or unreasonable it is.

Snooping might be justifiable if it's a closed relationship and there is reason to believe the other person is up to something. If everything is going fine, then snooping seems unreasonable. If you're going through my phone just to spy on me for no reason, then I would rather leave this relationship and find someone who isn't totally insane and controlling.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Back the the topic. If I saw red flags then I would investigate. However my friends would never know about this unless it was way past curiosity and I needed to confront.

In some cases where EA/PA has occurred and friends know it and they know you keep an eye on things. Well I'd explain that it's called transparency.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> So talking to a friend about relationship troubles is bad? I guess that means marriage counceling is out of the question.
> 
> .



In case you didn't understand, the whole reason why you pay that expensive price tag for counselling is so that you don't have to deal with someone who has misplaced priorities between you or your partner.

Telling a mutual friend about your problems puts him/ her in a difficult position if he/she thought they were a friend of both of you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> The Government always say, if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear. This is what they use to justify all sorts of databases and snooping mechanisms that you may or may not be aware about. There are plenty of stories of how ordinary people were shopped by their neighbours to the IRS.
> 
> Gbrad, do you campaign against your government for their activity. And whether you do or not, do yo stop to think about how much more
> 1) authority
> ...


I know they can, I choose to not think about what they are capable of. Especially since i am mostly a nobody and it would be a waste of their time. As for the roommates comment; I have learned a few things in my time as a roommate that was beneficial. Sometimes it is just about gaining knowledge and having a better understanding.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> In case you didn't understand, the whole reason why you pay that expensive price tag for counselling is so that you don't have to deal with someone who has misplaced priorities between you or your partner.
> 
> Telling a mutual friend about your problems puts him/ her in a difficult position if he/she thought they were a friend of both of you.


That is why it is important to know who they are closer friends with. If I confide in a friend of mine it is with the expectation that he/she will not be telling my spouse those things I say. What helps with that, is when the friend also tells you information that he/she does not want the spouse to know they told.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Fascinating conversation and views. Personally, I never worried about being "snooped" because I didn't have anything to hide. But for several months before his affair was discovered, ex was VERY testy about his phone, the GPS locator on our cell phone account. Paranoid to a degree about feeling watched (though nobody was, that I know of) It was actually hilarious, in one way, that his secret came out through totally innocent "non-snooping" but running innocently across pieces of the puzzle and finally, putting all together. 

In retrospect, he looks like the worm he is. Can't say how many times I heard him practically cry about how women always get a boyfriend before dumping their current partner. He's got a girlfriend and has been living at his mommy's for two plus years. And actually too bad that I didn't "snoop", as he managed to gamble away most of the assets before filing for divorce ... during "discovery" I learned (and still am) what a lie I spent too much of my life with. 

Maybe expecting some accountability? I don't see where most honest people have a problem with that; particularly if mutual.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Chances are that if you ask they will just lie about whatever they are hiding.. I asked my husband many, many times and do you think i ever got a strait answer, NO! I can usually tell when someone is hiding something from me, like a sixth sense. He was hiding things and he flat out lied about it. So I snooped, because things were way off. Sometimes it is the only way you are ever going to find out the truth. 

I wouldn't snoop otherwise!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

gbrad said:


> As for snooping for small things, yes that is fine in a relationship. But you should not bring those things up if you find them by snooping. You can do something about it, but you got it in a dishonest way so you don't get to use it against them.


 I don't believe that snooping is dishonest, unless you have nothing better to do and doing it for no good reason.. If they had nothing to hide then it really wouldn't matter, would it, but if you feel the need to snoop then, there usually is a very good reason for doing so.. I did tell my husband exactly how I got the information.. He got pissed, yes.. But hey if he were doing things he should have been doing then there wouldn't have been any problems.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

ladybird said:


> I don't believe that snooping is dishonest, unless you have nothing better to do and doing it for no good reason.. .


That is where the different opinion on this topic will take place. Some people believe snooping in and of itself is dishonest, some don't.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If things wouldn't have felt so wrong between my husband and I.. I wold have never snooped on him.. If the answers you seek don't come from their mouths and you know they are hiding something.. Then by all means do what you have to do.. 

I would have done what ever I needed to do find out what was going on.. When you are married to someone there are absolutely NO secrets.

I do agree that some people have a difference of opinion on snooping. Unless they have been in a situation where it was either find the truth or live with knowing that you are being lied to. I am pretty sure they too would seek the truth, no matter how they were able to get the information!


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> As for snooping for small things, yes that is fine in a relationship. But you should not bring those things up if you find them by snooping. You can do something about it, but you got it in a dishonest way so you don't get to use it against them.


If a person is behaving dishonestly, they don't get to be handled with kid gloves.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> If a person is behaving dishonestly, they don't get to be handled with kid gloves.


Again I feel like snooping is dishonest, so by this point both people are.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Again I feel like snooping is dishonest, so by this point both people are.


In other words, if your wife were cheating on you, then you would rather just remain clueless about it... even if she got an STD and passed it on to you?

Or maybe you are so vehement about it because you, yourself, have something you are hiding from your wife? :scratchhead:


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> In other words, if your wife were cheating on you, then you would rather just remain clueless about it... even if she got an STD and passed it on to you?
> 
> Or maybe you are so vehement about it because you, yourself, have something you are hiding from your wife? :scratchhead:


No, as I said before, I would snoop (even though I do think snooping is wrong). I just don't believe it confronting the person with anything you find. Whether it is about an affair or something else.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Good luck standing by your principles if you found proof of your wife having an affair.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> No, as I said before, I would snoop (even though I do think snooping is wrong). I just don't believe it confronting the person with anything you find. Whether it is about an affair or something else.


Ok, then, if you found evidence of an affair, after you DID snoop, what would you do?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> That is where the different opinion on this topic will take place. Some people believe snooping in and of itself is dishonest, some don't.


I couldn't care less if it's considered dishonest. If I suspect dishonesty, I have a right to investigate. I'd rather snoop and be considered dishonest, than live with doubt and distrust.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Again I feel like snooping is dishonest, so by this point both people are.


You couldn't be more wrong. If the first partner wasn't giving out signals that they cannot be trusted, the other partner wouldn't feel the need to find out whether they could be trusted.

Perhaps you think that spouses should be able to just go and cheat, have sex with multiple partners, perhaps bring a few diseases home to the faithful spouse, etc etc. because they generally don't just turn around admit their treachery, so sure, you can just go ahead and be cheated on for 20 years - but I chose to know what is going on, so that I can protect my marriage and myself, as necessary, and I apologize to nobody for making that choice. It's just commonsense.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I couldn't care less if it's considered dishonest. If I suspect dishonesty, I have a right to investigate. I'd rather snoop and be considered dishonest, than live with doubt and distrust.


Exactly! If the other person wasn't being dishonest, there would be no reason to establish his or her honesty.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, then, if you found evidence of an affair, after you DID snoop, what would you do?


I don't know exactly what I would do. But I know I would not outright confront her with that information. Some people here may not believe that, but I know that much is true. 



Cosmos said:


> I couldn't care less if it's considered dishonest. If I suspect dishonesty, I have a right to investigate. I'd rather snoop and be considered dishonest, than live with doubt and distrust.


I would snoop to, I'm just saying that I think it is dishonest/wrong to snoop, though I would still do it. 



janefw said:


> You couldn't be more wrong. If the first partner wasn't giving out signals that they cannot be trusted, the other partner wouldn't feel the need to find out whether they could be trusted.
> 
> Perhaps you think that spouses should be able to just go and cheat, have sex with multiple partners, perhaps bring a few diseases home to the faithful spouse, etc etc. because they generally don't just turn around admit their treachery, so sure, you can just go ahead and be cheated on for 20 years - but I chose to know what is going on, so that I can protect my marriage and myself, as necessary, and I apologize to nobody for making that choice. It's just commonsense.


No, I don't think it is okay to just go and cheat. Never said I did.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> Exactly! If the other person wasn't being dishonest, there would be no reason to establish his or her honesty.


If you didn't care to have the marriage survive and continue, you are right. But if you were in a situation where you wanted to repair the marriage, I would think it easier to do if only one persons trust has to be earned back, not both.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If you didn't care to have the marriage survive and continue, you are right. But if you were in a situation where you wanted to repair the marriage, I would think it easier to do if only one persons trust has to be earned back, not both.


You don't get it. If you don't try to find out what is going on - you will never know that there is trouble. I can't seem to get this across - a cheater is not going to up and just tell you they are sleeping around. So, you are going to continue to be cheated on until/if you find out and confront them.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> .......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?
> 
> I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.
> 
> Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.


My friends wouldn't be in the position of asking me, because I wouldn't stay with a spouse I felt I need to snoop on.

I think snooping should be used if you strongly suspect infidelity, or some other ill. It shouldn't be used as a routine, normal tool to assuage your sense of paranoia. 

For us, trust is as vital as love. When that is gone, we are gone.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, then, if you found evidence of an affair, after you DID snoop, what would you do?


This is the great thing about snooping and why everyone should consider it. If or when you find evidence of infidelity, it will probably not be conclusive. You have to wait and keep looking for more substantiation. All along you are gaining power through the knowledge you gain and you are becoming less emotional as you better digest the situation at hand. Meanwhile, nobody but you knows you know so more and more details will fall into your hand. Eventually you will most likely confront, but at a time of your choosing with a well though out plan in hand. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, this is the way to handle it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

We just can't afford to not look after our own interests in a relationship, and if that involves snooping so be it.

Nipping a potential EA in the bud could head off a full blown affair or, at the very least, alert us to the fact that something is amiss. Blind trust isn't always a good thing. If we smell a rat it's best to find out about it before the maggots move in.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If you didn't care to have the marriage survive and continue, you are right. But if you were in a situation where you wanted to repair the marriage, I would think it easier to do if only one persons trust has to be earned back, not both.


You couldn't be more wrong on this. As has been the example of multiple couples in this situation (I don't say "every" because I haven't read every single thread, and I don't know every single person), we confronted with the evidence because we wanted to improve the marriage. And, those who truly want the marriage to work actually work to improve it. Those who don't, merely sit on the information and hope things improve. Seriously, gbrad, you say that now, but in the situation, if you don't want the marriage to end, then you do what you have to in order to fix it. But, you have stated multiple times that you don't want to remain married to your wife, and that you have wished for some sort of affair anyway... this is why I say your responses are very much in line with that of cheaters.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Again I feel like snooping is dishonest, so by this point both people are.


I think we all may have felt this way at some point before we were ambushed by reality.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> We just can't afford to not look after our own interests in a relationship, and if that involves snooping so be it.
> 
> Nipping a potential EA in the bud could head off a full blown affair or, at the very least, alert us to the fact that something is amiss. Blind trust isn't always a good thing. If we smell a rat it's best to find out about it before the maggots move in.


Exactly, Cosmos! 

I found out from spying on my husband's FB account that he had not only made contact with a former HS g/f, but he had also been to where her parents lived to see whether he could see her! My husband did not tell me anything about these visits to the parents' place, nor that he had gotten in touch with this woman, which is no big surprise, because cheaters are LIARS by definition. Because I knew about it, I contacted the woman and I told her to back off. I asked her how she would feel if it was _her _husband talking to an old g/f. She unfriended my h, and I blocked her from his FB, and there were no more emails or other contacts. I firmly believe that if I had not known and intervened, my h would have next made arrangements to meet her. He was already hinting to her about it, and hinting to me about making a trip. No freakin' way was that happening!


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> .. your responses are very much in line with that of cheaters.


I had noticed that too. The cheater's last line of defense .. "it's your fault for finding out I was cheating" ..


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> We just can't afford to not look after our own interests in a relationship, and if that involves snooping so be it.
> 
> Nipping a potential EA in the bud could head off a full blown affair or, at the very least, alert us to the fact that something is amiss. Blind trust isn't always a good thing. If we smell a rat it's best to find out about it before the maggots move in.


Exactly. If you smell a rat. If your intuition is going off like crazy, something just doesn't sit right, or you see concrete reasons to suspect a problem, snoop, and snoop away.

But there is a difference between justified snooping, and snooping because you're paranoid, and just don't trust your spouse in general.

And the question is, what do you do if you find something? What a couple are saying is that their marriage doesn't include a future where a low level of chronic mistrust becomes a mainstay in the marriage. For some people, that's just not going to work.

If my wife, for example, was cheating, and I snooped, and found out she was having an affair, that's blow number one. Now say I am able to forgive, and we move forward. My defintion of forgivenss, and forward movement, would have to include getting back to that place of "blind trust" that I existed in before.

Because I will NOT stay in a marriage with a person with whom I have to spend my life worried about, and snooping after. That's not my vision of marriage *at all*. I've been intimately bonded with this woman since I was barely a teenager. Trust is tantamount to love in our relationship. Without that, what is left behind is a twisted, diminished version of who we are, and that, to me, is even sadder to behold than not being together at all.

I know this works differently for others. It worked very differently for my parents, for example. But each person has to decide what their deal breaker is, and a lack of trust, even more so than infidelity, is an ultimate deal breaker for me.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> You don't get it. If you don't try to find out what is going on - you will never know that there is trouble. I can't seem to get this across - a cheater is not going to up and just tell you they are sleeping around. So, you are going to continue to be cheated on until/if you find out and confront them.


I am not saying ignore the information that is out there. You can try and find out what is going on all you want. I am fine with that. 
Just don't use it against them. You can use that knowledge for yourself, but directly against them. It may take longer to get it out in the open, but its the right things to do.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> You couldn't be more wrong on this. As has been the example of multiple couples in this situation (I don't say "every" because I haven't read every single thread, and I don't know every single person), we confronted with the evidence because we wanted to improve the marriage. And, those who truly want the marriage to work actually work to improve it. Those who don't, merely sit on the information and hope things improve. Seriously, gbrad, you say that now, but in the situation, if you don't want the marriage to end, then you do what you have to in order to fix it. But, you have stated multiple times that you don't want to remain married to your wife, and that you have wished for some sort of affair anyway... this is why I say your responses are very much in line with that of cheaters.


This isn't about my exact situation. And if you recall, I had an opportunity, but didn't take it. To me this is about snooping in general. I snoop for little things all the time, to find out what she bought, how much it cost, where she went, etc. But I can't straight out confront her with it, I have to find another way to bring it to light if it is something I feel needs addressed.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I am not saying ignore the information that is out there. You can try and find out what is going on all you want. I am fine with that.
> Just don't use it against them. You can use that knowledge for yourself, but directly against them. It may take longer to get it out in the open, but its the right things to do.


I think you confuse me with someone who is looking for your permission. I'm not. 

I will use anything I find to prevent things from going further. As I already posted, I did use that information to prevent an EA from turning into a PA. I'm going to prevent my husband having an affair, period. And if he does have an affair, I will use what I have in whatever I have to do at that point. 

If you can't do the time, you shouldn't do the crime ..


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> This isn't about my exact situation. And if you recall, I had an opportunity, but didn't take it. To me this is about snooping in general. I snoop for little things all the time, to find out what she bought, how much it cost, where she went, etc. But I can't straight out confront her with it, I have to find another way to bring it to light if it is something I feel needs addressed.


Those are petty things. I wouldn't bother to snoop to find out what my h spent unless I suspected that he had bought something for someone else. If it bothers you, you should be honest and confront her, instead of just sitting around being annoyed, and not doing anything about it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I am not saying ignore the information that is out there. You can try and find out what is going on all you want. I am fine with that.
> Just don't use it against them. You can use that knowledge for yourself, but directly against them. It may take longer to get it out in the open, but its the right things to do.


And how, may I ask, would you use such knowledge "for yourself"? Sigh... not sure why I'm even bothering, tbh. I've not seen you listen to reason in any other thread. 

The "right thing to do" is to wait and see? Seriously? What planet are you on?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I am not saying ignore the information that is out there. You can try and find out what is going on all you want. I am fine with that.
> Just don't use it against them. You can use that knowledge for yourself, but directly against them. It may take longer to get it out in the open, but its the right things to do.


If I had reason to suspect my wife was doing something nefarious, I snooped, and discovered my suspicions were justified, you damn well better believe she's getting confronted THAT day.

I don't even understand what you're suggesting in this thread. It makes no sense to me at all.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

janefw said:


> Those are petty things. I wouldn't bother to snoop to find out what my h spent unless I suspected that he had bought something for someone else. If it bothers you, you should be honest and confront her, instead of just sitting around being annoyed, and not doing anything about it.


Communication. Sitting and waiting is a passive-aggressive way of dealing with things. It gets you nowhere.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> And how, may I ask, would you use such knowledge "for yourself"? Sigh... not sure why I'm even bothering, tbh. I've not seen you listen to reason in any other thread.
> 
> The "right thing to do" is to wait and see? Seriously? What planet are you on?


Just because I have a different opinion and perspective on snooping means that I am not listening to reason? I am simply sharing my opinion on snooping. I think people deserve some privacy, yes even in marriage, individual couples should have some privacy. 
And it is not just about waiting and seeing. Knowledge is power, with the knowledge you gain you can make changes that help alter things in the relationship.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I think people deserve some privacy, yes even in marriage, individual couples should have some privacy.


Then don't snoop.




gbrad said:


> And it is not just about waiting and seeing. Knowledge is power, with the knowledge you gain you can make changes that help alter things in the relationship.


Changes like what?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> If I had reason to suspect my wife was doing something nefarious, I snooped, and discovered my suspicions were justified, you damn well better believe she's getting confronted THAT day.
> 
> I don't even understand what you're suggesting in this thread. It makes no sense to me at all.


I am suggesting to use that information to your advantage. Knowledge is power. With the knowledge you could make changes to the relationship. You can work to try and get them to confess or stop outright. If their actions continue, then maybe the marriage shouldn't. An affair shouldn't end out of fear, it needs to end because they want it to.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Then don't snoop.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That depends on the marriage and what caused the affair in the first place. Every relationship is different.

And yes I know, I say privacy and then i say I snoop. I can't help it, snooping is something that I have always done even when I didn't have big reasons to.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> With the knowledge you could make changes to the relationship. You can work to try and get them to confess or stop outright. If their actions continue, then maybe the marriage shouldn't.


And how is that working out for you with your wife's spending?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I totally believe with all of my heart that when you stand before God, your families, and your friends and loved ones to commit yourself to someone for the duration of your lifetimes, then at that point in time, *you forfeit your right to harbor any secrecy whatsoever from them!*

That being said, snooping and surveillance should only be done, if and only if, there is an aura of "probable cause" that should naturally come about provided a spouse should find any leading or supporting evidence that might possibly foster a reasonable assumption of infidelity on their part.

Marriage greatly means that there are no real secrets that should ever be kept from your partner, either blatantly or by the convenience of willful omission!


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## peaceseeker4 (Jan 23, 2013)

I am dealing with a similar issue. I tracked my husband several months ago and discovered although he was not actually cheating (depends on the definition of course) he was seeking out opportunities.

I have tracked him several other times and he is more than once, not where he claimed he was. I have been given the ultimatum that if I track him 1 more time that he will leave me. He insists he is not cheating and that I have no right to track him. 

Still debating my next steps.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> And how is that working out for you with your wife's spending?


I talk with her about spending and budgeting, but I don't bring up specific items. That just causes a fight.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

peaceseeker4 said:


> I am dealing with a similar issue. I tracked my husband several months ago and discovered although he was not actually cheating (depends on the definition of course) he was seeking out opportunities.
> 
> I have tracked him several other times and he is more than once, not where he claimed he was. I have been given the ultimatum that if I track him 1 more time that he will leave me. He insists he is not cheating and that I have no right to track him.
> 
> Still debating my next steps.


What do you mean that he was "seeking out opportunities?"


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

peaceseeker4 said:


> I am dealing with a similar issue. I tracked my husband several months ago and discovered although he was not actually cheating (depends on the definition of course) he was seeking out opportunities.
> 
> I have tracked him several other times and he is more than once, not where he claimed he was. I have been given the ultimatum that if I track him 1 more time that he will leave me. He insists he is not cheating and that I have no right to track him.
> 
> Still debating my next steps.


So if he is not cheating when he is in a different place than where he says, what is he doing exactly. I know there are times that I don't tell my wife where I am for various reasons, but it never has anything to do with cheating.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I talk with her about spending and budgeting, but I don't bring up specific items. That just causes a fight.


Then you will be stuck in those same patterns indefinitely.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I am suggesting to use that information to your advantage. Knowledge is power. With the knowledge you could make changes to the relationship. You can work to try and get them to confess or stop outright. If their actions continue, then maybe the marriage shouldn't. An affair shouldn't end out of fear, it needs to end because they want it to.


So you're talking about playing games?

Sorry, I don't play games in my marriage. I can't fathom "working" to "try and get them to confess". 

That sounds like pure lunacy.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

janefw said:


> I think you confuse me with someone who is looking for your permission. I'm not.
> 
> I will use anything I find to prevent things from going further. As I already posted, I did use that information to prevent an EA from turning into a PA.


:iagree:
I maybe could reconcile from EA. Don't really know. I 100% know I cannot reconcile from PA. That's what ended my first marrige many years ago. So it would be in my wife's best interest for me to prevent EA going PA if she wanted to work things out later on. I hope to never feel like snooping and to never know how I'd handle EA.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> So you're talking about playing games?
> 
> Sorry, I don't play games in my marriage. I can't fathom "working" to "try and get them to confess".
> 
> That sounds like pure lunacy.


It has nothing to do with playing games. Knowledge gives you the chance to improve what is broken.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> Then you will be stuck in those same patterns indefinitely.


Not if we get a budget to work out for the both of us.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Not if we get a budget to work out for the both of us.


If your wife doesn't think you both need a budget, and you won't tell her why you both need a budget, you will be old and grey before you get one put in place.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> :iagree:
> I maybe could reconcile from EA. Don't really know. I 100% know I cannot reconcile from PA. That's what ended my first marrige many years ago. So it would be in my wife's best interest for me to prevent EA going PA if she wanted to work things out later on.


:iagree::iagree:
There had been talk among my husband, OW, and myself, before I even knew she was OW. We had discussed going to visit her family sometime.... and then I learned about their EA. There was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to sit idly by and let it continue to grow. I confronted him, he assured me he wanted to be with me. I waited a few more days because I didn't insist on NC at that point. And I discovered more to the story. I told him "her or me"... And ya know, he chose me...and our marriage has improved. If he had wanted her, he could have chosen her. But he would have had to move out. 

EA, I have been able to recover from. PA, there is no way. And, as you stated Thundarr, if confronting over an EA prevents a PA, that is EXACTLY what I am doing (and did!)

Now, if someone thinks privacy, even in marriage, is important.... then you shouldn't be snooping, period. It's not a one way street. You can't have it both ways.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't see financial stuff as snooping anyhow. You should have a joint checking account and both be aware of what gets spent, right? It's mutual money, not just one person's money. 

I don't see the comparison between knowing what your partner spent on groceries, and knowing whether he or she is faithful. There's just no comparison.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It has nothing to do with playing games. Knowledge gives you the chance to improve what is broken.


Of course it does.

That's not that part of your assertions I find crazy.

It's the "keep it to myself and try and passive-aggressively work it out of them so that I don't have to face starting confrontation and therefore take responsibility for my own life" part that's the problem.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> EA, I have been able to recover from. PA, there is no way. And, as you stated Thundarr, if confronting over an EA prevents a PA, that is EXACTLY what I am doing (and did!)
> ...


Part of it for me is that I don't take an EA very seriously. I only consider something an affair if there is physical cheating. 

And you are right, I shouldn't be snooping, but we all do things we shouldn't do.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> I don't see financial stuff as snooping anyhow. You should have a joint checking account and both be aware of what gets spent, right? It's mutual money, not just one person's money.
> 
> I don't see the comparison between knowing what your partner spent on groceries, and knowing whether he or she is faithful. There's just no comparison.


We do have joint accounts. But there is cash that can be spent. Finding out if what they bought for lunch was cheap, unhealthy, etc.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> We do have joint accounts. But there is cash that can be spent. Finding out if what they bought for lunch was cheap, unhealthy, etc.


What the heck? That is just prying, and unbelievable. Wow. You think an emotional affair is nothing much, but you are spying on what she ate for lunch? Geez. 

Emotional affairs _are _important - a darn more important than what someone had for lunch. Check with anyone whose spouse has had one. Check with any marriage counselors. 

Or is that you have had one and that's why you don't think they are important?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

janefw said:


> I don't see financial stuff as snooping anyhow. You should have a joint checking account and both be aware of what gets spent, right? It's mutual money, not just one person's money.


No I don't think you "should" have a joint account. That's totally up to the people, and their vision of marriage. My wife and I have seperate accounts, and money has never been a major factor in our relationship. There are a few other TAMers who have separate accounts too, and have for ages, and don't have major money matters.

If a time comes down the line where a joint account makes sense, we'll do it. But we're in no hurry, and we don't really do anything in our marriage that's based off what people are "suppose" to do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> :I maybe could reconcile from EA. Don't really know. I 100% know I cannot reconcile from PA. That's what ended my first marrige many years ago. So it would be in my wife's best interest for me to prevent EA going PA if she wanted to work things out later on. I hope to never feel like snooping and to never know how I'd handle EA.


Unlike you, Thundarr, I absolutely could never bring myself to reconcile with a marriage partner for either the commission of an EA or a PA.

The EA basically serves as both the initial and the ultimate act of betrayal for the relationship, as the betrayer is sharing their deepest and innermost thoughts and emotions with their new love interest~ something that should only be shared with their spouse.

And they're doing it for a purpose in mind, whether it is to move on in another romantic direction and/or to covertly distance themselves from their jaded perception of an unfulfilling marriage; giving little to no creedence to the feelings of their spouse, their children, or to their extended family and friends for their own deception and scurilous actions.

The usually unprotected inherent sex from the physical aspect of the affair (PA) largely only comes about as the consumation of that emotional betrayal, knowing full well that if the existence of the EA, in and of itself isn't enough to drive their marriage partner away, then certainly the sordid thought of having sex(PA) with the object of their infidelity would certainly serve in doing the trick!


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> No I don't think you "should" have a joint account. That's totally up to the people, and their vision of marriage. My wife and I have seperate accounts, and money has never been a major factor in our relationship. There are a few other TAMers who have separate accounts too, and have for ages, and don't have major money matters.
> 
> If a time comes down the line where a joint account makes sense, we'll do it. But we're in no hurry, and we don't really do anything in our marriage that's based off what people are "suppose" to do.


My bad on the use of the word "should". It wasn't meant as in "everyone should" - but as there seemed to be (although there are not) some issues with the wife's spending, that was where my "should" was based. As she is actually just spending money that is _hers _on lunch, it doesn't seem that she does have spending issues.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Part of it for me is that I don't take an EA very seriously. I only consider something an affair if there is physical cheating.
> 
> And you are right, I shouldn't be snooping, but we all do things we shouldn't do.


Of course you don't care about an EA. You've said more than enough about your marriage to suggest that the two of you, unfortunately, aren't even in love with each other. Several posters here are flabbergasted that you guys continue to stay married.

I think that's the missing context for all your posts in this thread. Most people who are in love with their spouses are going to react very differently than somebody who is likely on the cusp of divorce, or can't even generate too many positive reasons for why they're still married.

Nobody who is genuinely in love with their spouse says things like 'I wouldn't confront them if I found out they were cheating', and 'I don't take EAs very seriously'.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> My bad on the use of the word "should". It wasn't meant as in "everyone should" - but as there seemed to be (although there are not) some issues with the wife's spending, that was where my "should" was based. As she is actually just spending money that is _hers _on lunch, it doesn't seem that she does have spending issues.


So based off of one small comment you are going to believe she doesn't have spending issues. While I do not want to get into the details of our finances here, I can assure you, she does have an issue with money and spending.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Couldn't get over a PA. Know myself well enough to know that, despite how deeply in love with her I am, that's not going to happen. It's actually because I love her so deeply, and trust her implicitly, that a PA would be beyond devastating. It would instantly murder our marriage, and she's well aware of that.

An EA? There is more chance for survival. Because I know my wife is deeply connected to me emotionally, in a very powerful, and profound way. If she ended up in an EA I know it would be because I was not meeting her emotional needs any longer, and left her out there too long to drift on her own. She wouldn't be off the hook, but I wouldn't be either. 

It's the opposite for her. I do believe she'd have a possibility of recovering from a PA on my part, but an EA would absolutely level us, from her perspective.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

There is no privacy in marriage. The only small amount of privacy you can claim to have is the 87 cubic inches inside your skull. Your body, soul, and iPhone is fair game.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> .......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?


*Simple answer is: I can't! I won't. I don't.*

If I can't/don't trust you, then we're THROUGH. IMMEDIATELY. Doesn't matter if we're dating, living together or married. 

When the trust is gone, so is the relationship. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me; if you don't appreciate me, someone else will.

JMO.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Of course you don't care about an EA. You've said more than enough about your marriage to suggest that the two of you, unfortunately, aren't even in love with each other. Several posters here are flabbergasted that you guys continue to stay married.
> 
> I think that's the missing context for all your posts in this thread. Most people who are in love with their spouses are going to react very differently than somebody who is likely on the cusp of divorce, or can't even generate too many positive reasons for why they're still married.
> 
> Nobody who is genuinely in love with their spouse says things like 'I wouldn't confront them if I found out they were cheating', and 'I don't take EAs very seriously'.


While you are right that my personal situation plays a role in my opinion about this; it does not change my feelings towards snooping. 
As for not taking EAs seriously, it is not because of my personal situation, I don't believe an EA, is absolutely an A. It could simply be two people who are of the opposite sex who are friends. I don't see anything wrong with that. 
And I also didn't say I wouldn't confront about an affair in any situation, it depends on how I came across the information. And I don't believe that is influenced by my current relationship.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Jane_Doe said:


> There is no privacy in marriage. The only small amount of privacy you can claim to have is the 87 cubic inches inside your skull. Your body, soul, and iPhone is fair game.


If that is how you feel, that is perfectly acceptable for you. We are allowed different opinions on this topic.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> While you are right that my personal situation plays a role in my opinion about this; it does not change my feelings towards snooping.
> As for not taking EAs seriously, it is not because of my personal situation, I don't believe an EA, is absolutely an A. It could simply be two people who are of the opposite sex who are friends. I don't see anything wrong with that.
> And I also didn't say I wouldn't confront about an affair in any situation, it depends on how I came across the information. And I don't believe that is influenced by my current relationship.


An EA is not about 'friends'.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> So based off of one small comment you are going to believe she doesn't have spending issues. While I do not want to get into the details of our finances here, I can assure you, she does have an issue with money and spending.


And if it is as bad as you say, you shouldn't be beating around the bush, hoping for a confession. You should tell her you found the receipts in the trash or whatever, because you have already stated that YOU are the one who does all/most of the cleaning in the house, so it isn't inconceivable. If it bothers you that much, you don't sit on your thumbs, hoping she will change the behavior. You confront the behavior and work on modifications THAT way. Right now, the passive aggressive behavior merely encourages her to continue. All she knows is that you are pissed off and resentful but she doesn't know wtf caused it because you won't TALK TO HER about it. REALLY talk, not drop hints.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> An EA is not about 'friends'.


The way I have seen many EA's described on here, seems mostly like how friends would interact to me. Maybe some are more extreme than others.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> The way I have seen many EA's described on here, seems mostly like how friends would interact to me. Maybe some are more extreme than others.


No it's not about friends, not unless you have some pretty intense, sexy conversations with your friends.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> No it's not about friends, not unless you have some pretty intense, sexy conversations with your friends.


So are you saying it is only an EA if there is sexual talk between the two parties?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> So based off of one small comment you are going to believe she doesn't have spending issues. While I do not want to get into the details of our finances here, I can assure you, she does have an issue with money and spending.





> We do have joint accounts. But there is cash that can be spent. Finding out if what they bought for lunch was cheap, unhealthy, etc.


You were talking about health here, as well as how much lunch cost. So how is there "cash that can be spent" AND "she does have an issue with money and spending". The former infers that there is spare cash, the latter suggests that there is not.

Color me confused.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> The way I have seen many EA's described on here, seems mostly like how friends would interact to me. Maybe some are more extreme than others.


An EA goes beyond the friendship level to the point that it becomes more important than the spouse. When you put your energy into fostering the relationship with the "friend"/EA, instead of trying to work out the issues in your marriage...or when you put MORE energy into the "friendship" than in the marriage, THAT is an EA. It isn't about having an occasional cup of coffee with an OSF that your spouse knows of and has no issue with. And an EA can genuinely begin as a real friendship... but then, something changes. The spouse notices it, voices concern, but you ignore/rebuff them. THAT is an EA. THAT is the kind of thing we (as a whole) find unacceptable. And, in a normally loving relationship, it would be unacceptable to anyone to essentially throw over your spouse in favor of a "friend".


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> So are you saying it is only an EA if there is sexual talk between the two parties?


No. I'm saying that's one way that it differs from 'friends'.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Unlike you, Thundarr, I absolutely could never bring myself to reconcile with a marriage partner for either the commission of an EA or a PA.
> 
> The EA basically serves as both the initial and the ultimate act of betrayal for the relationship, as the betrayer is sharing their deepest and innermost thoughts and emotions with their new love interest~ something that should only be shared with their spouse.


Maybe I couldn't either. It might depend on the length and depth of emotional connection. I speculate there must be some level of EA I could R over because hear posters like E3000 talk about not knowing they were in an EA and abruptly ending it once they realized the deep waters they'd gotten into. But I certainly hope to never put myself to that test.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> You were talking about health here, as well as how much lunch cost. So how is there "cash that can be spent" AND "she does have an issue with money and spending". The former infers that there is spare cash, the latter suggests that there is not.
> 
> Color me confused.


When I said cash to be spent, I meant when cash is spent there is no record on the bank statement for where the money is going. That is all I meant by that.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> An EA goes beyond the friendship level to the point that it becomes more important than the spouse. When you put your energy into fostering the relationship with the "friend"/EA, instead of trying to work out the issues in your marriage...or when you put MORE energy into the "friendship" than in the marriage, THAT is an EA. It isn't about having an occasional cup of coffee with an OSF that your spouse knows of and has no issue with. And an EA can genuinely begin as a real friendship... but then, something changes. The spouse notices it, voices concern, but you ignore/rebuff them. THAT is an EA. THAT is the kind of thing we (as a whole) find unacceptable. And, in a normally loving relationship, it would be unacceptable to anyone to essentially throw over your spouse in favor of a "friend".


I understand that. And no, a friend should never be put in front of the spouse like that. I just have a hard time with the EA concept because some people here said that what I had with a friend of mine was an EA. I still don't believe it ever was.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Exactly. If you smell a rat. If your intuition is going off like crazy, something just doesn't sit right, or you see concrete reasons to suspect a problem, snoop, and snoop away.
> 
> But there is a difference between justified snooping, and snooping because you're paranoid, and just don't trust your spouse in general.


:iagree:

And if you're going to snoop, you have to be prepared to deal with what you find (or hopefully don't find).

A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. It's a liability to one's mental well-being.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I understand that. And no, a friend should never be put in front of the spouse like that. I just have a hard time with the EA concept because some people here said that what I had with a friend of mine was an EA. I still don't believe it ever was.


From going out and reading that thread, you have all the markers for someone who not only had an EA, but who is looking around constantly for admiration from women. I am sorry for your wife.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. It's a liability to one's mental well-being.


To quote the late great President Reagan, "Trust but verify"


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

gbrad said:


> I am not saying ignore the information that is out there. You can try and find out what is going on all you want. I am fine with that.
> Just don't use it against them. You can use that knowledge for yourself, but directly against them. It may take longer to get it out in the open, but its the right things to do.


 Ok so, lets say you found out your wife is having a full blown affair, by snooping.. You are telling me that you wouldn't blow it wide open if you found the information by snooping? You would just let your wife have her lover until you found out how to expose with out the information you got, by snooping??.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> From going out and reading that thread, you have all the markers for someone who not only had an EA, but who is looking around constantly for admiration from women. I am sorry for your wife.


I had a friend, I still have that friend, nothing happened with that person that friends don't do.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

ladybird said:


> Ok so, lets say you found out your wife is having a full blown affair, by snooping.. You are telling me that you wouldn't blow it wide open if you found the information by snooping? You would just let your wife have her lover until you found out how to expose with out the information you got, by snooping??.


Yes, that is what I am saying. For one I don't agree with the whole "blow it wide open and expose everyone and everything" concept. If our personal relationship gets messed up as a result of the affair, there is no reason anything else needs to be impacted. I would not want it to come out at her work and impact that and unless she wants her friends to know, they shouldn't have to. 
As for us, I wouldn't just "let her have her lover" I would try and do other things to deal with the issue.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I had a friend, I still have that friend, nothing happened with that person that friends don't do.


I'm not going to address it here as it's not the subject of this thread.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Yes, that is what I am saying. For one I don't agree with the whole "blow it wide open and expose everyone and everything" concept. If our personal relationship gets messed up as a result of the affair, there is no reason anything else needs to be impacted. I would not want it to come out at her work and impact that and unless she wants her friends to know, they shouldn't have to.
> As for us, I wouldn't just "let her have her lover" I would try and do other things to deal with the issue.


Who, where and how did anyone advocate that cheaters be exposed at work?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Yes, that is what I am saying. For one I don't agree with the whole "blow it wide open and expose everyone and everything" concept. If our personal relationship gets messed up as a result of the affair, there is no reason anything else needs to be impacted. I would not want it to come out at her work and impact that and unless she wants her friends to know, they shouldn't have to.
> As for us, I wouldn't just "let her have her lover" I would try and do other things to deal with the issue.


 What I meant by "blowing it wide open" was confronting her. not going off and telling everyone you both know about it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> Who, where and how did anyone advocate that cheaters be exposed at work?





ladybird said:


> What I meant by "blowing it wide open" was confronting her. not going off and telling everyone you both know about it.


 In the past I have read others saying that when you expose it, the affair needs to come out to everyone. So when I hear the phrase blowing it wide open, that is what I think of.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> In the past I have read others saying that when you expose it, the affair needs to come out to everyone. So when I hear the phrase blowing it wide open, that is what I think of.


That's not what "blowing it wide open" means. If the affair is at work, then there is a high probability that people will need to be told, but generally it means just blowing it wide open to the cheating spouse.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

janefw said:


> That's not what "blowing it wide open" means. If the affair is at work, then there is a high probability that people will need to be told, but generally it means just blowing it wide open to the cheating spouse.


I was simply stating what I had been told by some in the past. That once you find out there is an affair, everyone needs to know. I don't agree with that, but was just restating it.


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## peaceseeker4 (Jan 23, 2013)

He was caught texting a young 20 something that he met at a restaurant. He apparently texted her several times over a few months. I caught on after searching his phone records and realized texts had been deleted. I called the number and asked if they new my husband. She was very helpful and even sent me the text where he was trying to hook up with her. He claims it was just an ego trip and that he never would do that...I am not sure I believe that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

richie33 said:


> For me I would rather just outright confront than snoop. Ask my significant other to open their phone or Facebook account right in front of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The problem with that is that 95% of the time the wayward spouse would not admit to stepping out without concrete evidence. Hence I say don't ask, if you suspect, just snoop and act as if you're not suss


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If going through joint cell-phone call/text records and billings is, in any way snooping, then please consider me guilty. 

If being handed copies of cute, snuggly and cozy-up FB photos and dialogues with the OM by some of STBXW's mutual FB friends is indicative of snooping, I'm guilty as charged!

And a lot of this is transpiring all while I'm still living in the same house, and sleeping in the same bed, and having relations with her.
And I'm either too damn trusting of her or flat out stupid not to suspect anything until long after the separation!

I will use the documented truth at the proper time~ if for no other reason to let her family know what a self-serving "sl*t" she has been, and to greatly give her the choice of whether she also values the moniker of "liar" thrown in there for good measure!


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I believe "snooping" just to see what spouse is up to is wrong. You have trust your spouse. I know some won't agree as they feel it is maintenance of the relationship. I respect everyone's opinion on this.

Snooping as a result of a "feeling of insecurity for some ODD reason" should be done AFTER asking spouse. Let's call this "snoop to verify spouses explanation."

Now, I do agree there is a time when you must snoop first as it is highly likely spouse will lie. When that feeling hits you like a TON OF BRICKS, snoop away, there is probably a reason.

In my case, I am the one who has a spouse who has constantly snooped and never found anything, because there ISN'T anything to find.

I too have snooped on spouse to verify their story, AFTER I asked about it. Something felt a little off, so I asked first, and verified.

I too have snooped BEFORE I asked, because I was HIT WITH A TON OF BRICKS, something that hit my core as it was completely out of character. 

For me, snooping just feels wrong. I think for those of us who trust others, don't have a need to snoop unless something is off. 

Just my opinion.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Without the presence of suspicion or "probable cause," I feel that snooping on a spouse, in and of itself, is inherently wrong.

Given that an element of probable cause (or "gut instinct") is present, then I only feel that the act of snooping is more than acceptable.

If all is apparently going well between a couple in a committed relationship, then there would be no real reason to implement those measures. Conversely, if something is amiss in that relationship with no discernible explanation for such, then that should fastly give rise to one's gut instinct, or probable cause. 

And in that case, the act of snooping on a spouse for "testing purposes" is most acceptable. I firmly believe in the old adage that "all is fair in love and war". Given that, if a spouse is acting in a role to either preserve the relationship or to simply find out what might be contributing to it's demise, then they richly have the right as the other spouse to any and all of that potentially damaging covert information!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> The problem with that is that 95% of the time the wayward spouse would not admit to stepping out without concrete evidence. Hence I say don't ask, if you suspect, just snoop and act as if you're not suss


If your gut it telling you all these things about your spouse then by all means do what you have to do. But if your bored and just have nothing better to do than go through your significant others things then I see a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Scenerio:

Married to my wife 10 years
Having some trouble/stress in the marriage for awhile.
She starts babysitting a young boy in my daughters class very often.
Father of the boy is going through divorce, she's trying to help him out.
I finally meet the boys father and discover he's a dead ringer for my wife's Ex.Has physical qualities I know my wife is into.

You bet your ass I took the time to have a look at a few of their texts and still do.

There's nothing going on between them, it's exactly as they claim.

A recently single father dealing with a drug addled co-parent who ran off to Lauderdale who needs someplace his kid can go when he's off on a job out of town.

But now I KNOW what's going on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I realise now that many people get around the "snooping accusation" by framing it in different ways.

some people say that they share user names and passwords with their partner just in case there is an emergency.

Others say it is ok to look if the computer window just happens to be open.

On another message board, someone was saying that a friend of theirs cancelled the wedding because she found an e-mail where her fiancé was trying to hook up with another woman. I asked how did she come across the e-mail and I never got an answer. (not even IDK).

FTR, The rules ladies in their latest book advocate snooping....( but as a female friend who is uncomfortable with snooping pointed out to me, "only when you think something's not right)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I realise now that many people get around the "snooping accusation" by framing it in different ways.


I don't know why the have to "get around it" at all.

Wife: "What are you doing with my phone?"

Me: "Seeing what you're up to"

Wife: "ok"

It works both ways.


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## Shotgunsal (Feb 28, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> .......when friends and others ask, how can you remain in a relationship with someone on whom you feel the need to snoop?
> 
> I'm a supporter of snooping on your partner whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not...... but I do find it interesting when others --who apparently have not had these problems -- feel as if they are taking the higher moral ground for what is for them a hypothetical situation.
> 
> Would like to read other people's opinion on this. Be sure to add which side of this equation you were on.


never snooped on my first wife of 10 years, this one its all i do. trust is a hard path


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So far it has not been necessary, but I would definately snoop on my hubby if got the feeling that something was up. As for what I would do with the info, if found an affair...it depends. Like, if I know the OW, I would tell him I found out from her, and I would tell him I found out from him. I would use all the small details discovered in emails/ texts, and turn them around like they have badmouthed eachother to me when confessing...this would make them fight and lose trust. I would sit back and enjoy the show...I can be quite devious at these things. 
Or, like gbrad suggested, if I learnt about the place of the rendez-vous I would just show up there with some friends. I actually did so when a former bf cheated on me. He was sitting with the OW and a mug of beer in his hand. The look on his face when he saw me was priceless ! lol.
I don't think that him finding out I have been snooping when he is guilty, gives him any right to get angry. Other than "I'm angry that I got caught !" I may choose not to reveal that I've been snooping though: that way he won't better safeguard his devices and I can use this mean of information again  
If my hubby snooped on me I may be a little pissed, but definately I would not divorce him for this. I would ask him the reasons he thought there was something up and comfort his fears with reassuring love. I would expect an apology, though, and I would accept it. 
Snooping on roomates? Hell no...never ! Their life is none of my business and mine is none of theirs. If I had roomates and found them snooping on me I would press charges. May wanna be careful with that, gbrad.
And that's how I look at this subject


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