# Iheartlife.....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hi,

I am curious about your story...you mentioned it on another thread of mine re: triggers yesterday. Please pm me if you like instead of posting it on here. THanks!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sending out the signal


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am awaiting your continuation of story eagerly..thanks!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Again, I await the continuation!!!

This is almost torture waiting to see what happens next...

Just want to say thought that that was awesome that you decided to work on your marriage prior to knowing he had an affair...usually, like in my case, it happens after you find out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> With the passage of time and re-reading emails I see my husband was the primary pursuer in terms of trying to spend time together. He would suggest they get dinner together but intead it was coffee in the middle of the day in a public place. He tried to get her to bring her son to a show and he would bring our kids too, but she wouldn't agree to that either.
> 
> I was FURIOUS at the involvement of the kids (they would have been no more than 2 or 3 at the time). FURIOUS. It still makes me angrier than anything.
> 
> In another email he typed to the AP a sweet little poem we say to our kids when they get tucked in at night. I finally told him not too long ago how ANGRY it makes me that he tainted that, too. He said he would stop saying it. Of course, that isn't the point! It's that I want to turn back the clock and have the phrases be innocent again.


:iagree:

I don't blame you at all for being furious about that particular action. He wanted to involve the children, trying to replace you as their mother.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Iheartlife, the dialogue between those two makes me sick! It had to be torturous for you to read that crap. Your FWH was certainly deeply immersed in a thick, pea-soup fog!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Reading your story..I can feel my anxiety level increasing just thinking about how I felt reading some of H's emails. 

Frick I wish that these WS would really think about his crap before they do **** like this.....

I said to H this weekend, I feel like you got your ego boosted at my expense because now I am living with the aftermath of terrible emotions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Cubby said:


> Iheartlife, the dialogue between those two makes me sick! It had to be torturous for you to read that crap. Your FWH was certainly deeply immersed in a thick, pea-soup fog!


Yeah, the lovey dovey words the APs say to each other are absolutely heartbreaking. I wish some of those words were said to me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I love you LM, you're such a sweetie


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Can't happen mayhem. Like most of us in here we are the "play by the rules" type. Usually all we get is the $h!t sandwich.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Gosh, reading those emails is so hard. I can't imagine what it felt like to read them, for you. But haha it's also so stupid how those in an A will gush, as if either person really ever talks/emails stuff like that in real life or even to the person they promised to love & honor!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Those emails were brutal for ME and I don't even know the people involved. I guess one way to look at it is to chalk it all up to the affair fog and the foggy things people say when in their la la fantasy land. Just put them all into one big bucket and throw it over the cliff.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

H said to me that it was easy to pretend online...he said it was just stupid chit chat..well whatever. Stupid chit chat that caused a hell of a lot of damage....

BUt on one hand I could see it...I could go online right now on some singles board and probably start flirting like crazy..while in real life/in person I am not really a flirty kind of gal.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I get your point, but it's different when it's somebody you already know.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

That story scares the piss out of me. I am so sorry.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife,

Sorry dear lady ... heart wrenching.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Iheartlife: You have me on the edge of my seat following your story. Just had to post after reading about your H's phone calls. Wanted to say how sorry I am this all happened to you, as I can really relate. After my D I checked my xw's phone records (feel so stupid I didnt before, but never even had any idea that she was having an affair, idiot me) and found that six months before DD she had called him at 1 am on Christmas day (after finishing having sex with me) then immediately upon waking up on Christmas Day. When I saw those two calls it hurt so much! To think I was happy, excited to see my grown children, for the family time. And she was excited to talk with the POS she was having an affair with, my former good friend. Like you, I dont know how she did it, as I was there, but she did. Those two phone calls will haunt me to the end of my days. First because of the betrayal, second, because I was such an idiot to not know what was going on! Best of everything to you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks for sharing..very compelling. I could feel my anxiety rising as I was reading thru your story.

So I gather this person was asian?

FOr me the fact that H's EA was asian seems to make it so much worse for me...like I said when we were in the restaurant the other day and the cute asian girl serving us..I just wanted to die inside. Two days later and my mind still goes wild thinking that is he thinking about that girl because she reminds him of his EA or is he thinking what would it be like to be with an asian woman? Especially when the woman seems so nice and friendly and I look at how I have been acting at times all angry and venting...

I am sitting here right now wondering if I will ever get thru this range of emotions and feeling so angry at my H's seflishness to do this to me. I feel like it was all about him and I am now the one that has to live with these crappy feelings. Sometimes I feel so hopeless about ever feeling better..is it going to be like this forever where I see an attractive asian woman and feel that sickness/tighness in my chest. That insecurity that comes rising up....

It is amazing how reading your story and thinking about how insecure I felt in the restaurant makes it all so fresh....I honestly do not think unless anybody has been thru this how much it hurts.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sorry I posted before you...I apologize! She was asian as you stated.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

SOrry when I posted I thought you were finished. I apologize again!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What you said about waiting for the children to grow up..is scary! I find myself thinking, our son is 22 but still lives at home, the unknown and uncertainty is scary. Is he waiting for him to leave home first??

I think for me that is why I say so often to H...don't lie to me if you want to be single then tell me..don't lead me on and then one day come to me and say I'm done. 

Sometimes thought I think too that a part of me wants to leave him first..kind of a I'll get you before you get me..kind of thing..if that makes any sense.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

True! I tell myself that H probably would have noticed her before his EA..I mean a pretty woman is a pretty woman. If she was blond/redhead/brunette and was pretty he probably would have thought the same thing..she is cute/pretty whatever. I know in the beginning of our relationship when H was madly madly in love with me we would be out somewhere and I still noticed that if a pretty girl walked by I would catch him (not ogling) but just kind of glancing at her, obviously noticing her looks.

I guess I am just ultra senstive because of this....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Insecure as well...and that adds to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> It is very raw for me obviously to read what my husband said to her. I think it's the perspective of time passing; these were obviously emails in the throes of infatuation.
> 
> And just in case you were wondering, I am not a 'stunningly beautiful woman' by the stretch of anyone's imagination,


No, that's by your imagination. Your looks might make someone else think: "Wow!"

When I am out with my wife, she will point out a thin woman and say: "Isn't she pretty?" To which my honest reaction is: "No!" 

When she sees a woman who is not thin (to coin a phrase) she will say: "She doesn't look nice, does she?" My answer to her is: "You are right!" My inner reaction is: "Wow! Isn't she hot?!"

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I think I am ugly, but others might not agree. I hope.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt....absolutely...plus when you think about it the majority of people that you see on a day to day basis are average looking. Days/weeks can go by before you see someone who is so stunning that every one's head is turning.

What is that saying...there will always be someone who looks worse than you and someone that looks better.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know you made rookie mistakes, but that's because you didn't have the advice of a good MC or the advice at TAM at the time.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ihearlife,

Most of us (except a few rare ones) have made mistakes in handling our spouses' affairs.

I did know TAM existed. Did not have any friends to talk to.

I can really feel your story.....


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Iheartlife, no wonder you struggle with your emotions so; your story is heartbreaking, so sorry that you have to go though this pain; its truly horrible isn't it?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Iheartlife, I assume there is more to your story? So far my heart is breaking for you and I just have have have to ask, why are you with him? (are you?). How come you stayed, and fought for him so hard. Do you think he's worth it? He lied to you for soooo long... years. I am just so extremely upset with what this man has done to you! Even he seems surprised that you still let him get away with it, because you did. I just wish you could see what I see when I read your story. I'm so angry. And the thing is, you have such extreme clarity when you give me advice-it's priceless. He doesn't deserve you. He really doesn't. Marital problems are one thing, cheating a whole other ball game. How I feel for you, so much pain, such a long time


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

One night he came home and worked on his computer here at the house. I sat nearby and periodically read aloud excerpts from the book Not Just Friends as he sat there working (I'm sure he was loving that). I became fixated by that laptop. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I did a search for the AP's name. 55 hits popped up.

* I did that type of thing to in a effort to _teach him_ what he was going through as if to sell myself as the better prize and not her......looking back I hate how I made myself feel like I was groveling to prove I was worthy of staying married to. 

Perhaps it's our nature to show others the error of their ways- are you an ENFJ personality type? 

Your words carry lots of weight and are gifted, you should be a writer!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Iheartlife, I assume there is more to your story? So far my heart is breaking for you and I just have have have to ask, why are you with him? (are you?). How come you stayed, and fought for him so hard. Do you think he's worth it? He lied to you for soooo long... years. I am just so extremely upset with what this man has done to you! Even he seems surprised that you still let him get away with it, because you did. I just wish you could see what I see when I read your story. I'm so angry. And the thing is, you have such extreme clarity when you give me advice-it's priceless. He doesn't deserve you. He really doesn't. Marital problems are one thing, cheating a whole other ball game. How I feel for you, so much pain, such a long time


I was thinking the same thing :iagree: iheartlife is such a clear thinker and is one of the very best on this forum at giving advice that I keep thinking she should have kicked him to the curb for what he did to her. The affair was so long and he expressed such deep love to the AP. 

Speaking of that "deep love," I'll be honest: I had to chuckle a bit reading the dialogue between FWH and AP---such old-fashioned corny talk, like they were stereotypes from a bad paperback romance novel. Even though it was heartbreaking for you to read that, iheartlife, you had to roll your eyes over the schmoopie-speak!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

He cheated you didn't. If there problems iheartlife, then MC was the way to go, not an affair. No matter how poopy you think you treated him, the affair is 100% his doing. At the least what he did was cruel, heatless, selfish and revengeful. If there were problems, there were other solutions/coping mechanisms.... not screwing around. BTW, one more thing really doesn't sit right... the no PA bit. I don't know iheartlife. If this was an affair between two women,then I'd believe the no physical part... but this was a dude who you said was not getting sex at home, for four years. I wouldn't believe him, further than I could throw him. He lied to you about everything else, didn' he. Christ, what an d*ick!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I agree entirely that his response to problems in the marriage was cowardly. In fact, if I ever wanted to stop loving my husband, all I would do is concentrate my mental powers on that single word. I find cheating a repulsive, disgusting way of handling the situation, make no mistake. Yes, I am more disgusted than hurt by his choices.
> 
> I have a very clear conscience where his choices are concerned. However, I truly believe he would not have cheated 'but for' the problems in the marriage. He contributed to those problems, but he didn't contribute to them as much as I did.
> 
> ...


I can relate to what you are saying...

I too contributed a great deal to the decline of my marriage (alot more than H). I was not affectionate with him in public..something which bugged the **** out of him, for example, I was not interested in holding hands, etc.

So for me to divorce him when yes, he made a terrible mistake with his EA..as he says he knows he ****ed up. But in so many ways so did I..I did not cherish this man, I did not give him emotionally and many times sexually what he needed. Sex to me not always but at least 80% of the time was something that I did just to get it over with (wasn't always like that but definently in the last 10 years or so)..I remember when we had sex feeling a sense of relief like okay got that over with now he won't bug me for a while. I never had alot of passion toward him during sex..it was like hurry up and get it over with. It wasn't always like this but was worse especially in the last number of years. One thing stands out to me..is about 3 years ago we were watching tv in bed and he touched me and I moved away because I thought I don't feel like having sex and he made a comment about how he feels like I am disgusted when he touches me...here he says that and I just swept that comment under the rug....I feel ashamed that I acted like that.

I guess I just can't justify divorcing him yes he was 100% to blame for his EA however I share the majority of the blame for the state of our marriage...he would try thru the years to bring up the issues and how he was feeling and i would get upset because I didn't want to hear it I just wanted to sweep it under the rug.

I know I have my angry moments about his EA but sometimes when I really think about my actions leading up to the decline of our marriage it was almost inevitable that something bad was going to happen...

For me sometimes I wonder if he hadn't had this EA would we still be exisitng in a lifeless marriage....sadly I think we would have been. It is confusing because I do feel angry for his EA and blame him for that 100% but then when I look at the state of our marriage prior to..it was really bad.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> But now you know why I think Soulmate Shmoopies is dead on. For those who can stomach them I think they should be required viewing. Watching those cartoon characters robotically spewing that stuff, thinking that they are somehow unique and their love is "pure"--it's rather healing in a poignant way.
> 
> Nothing punctures a word like "soulmate" to know that so many APs call each other that. It really shows you: the idea that you would ONLY magically meet your soulmate while married to someone else can't possibly be true for thousands upon thousands of people. A relationship built on deception and betrayal--outside the reality of day-to-day life--is bound for failure.


:iagree:

I first saw those cartoons, made by a poster named Marzipan, back in November 2010, when I was still on Surviving Infidelity, my original forum. It shows the depths of the feeling between two APs, how they feel they are each others' soulmates, etc.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> I can relate to what you are saying...
> 
> I too contributed a great deal to the decline of my marriage (alot more than H). I was not affectionate with him in public..something which bugged the **** out of him, for example, I was not interested in holding hands, etc.
> 
> ...


I don't know why, but this is speaking mountains to me! Your entire story is so well put and like others have said you are great at advice and helping others. You have had an ordeal, but I pray, that I once again, like you have I find the reasons to keep a positive attitude on the R process. I keep getting side tracked on "what" he did vs lets heal but also be stronger. I don't believe my H is a worker type to be stronger yet just wants to be and exist. He reads lots of money and sales books and attends lots of seminars and speaks himself, but when it comes to the required work on Marriage he just doesn't? 

Thanks.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think maybe you meant this for Iheartlife.....and I agree her story and her attitude are to be commended. 

She is one of those people that I think if she can do it then so can I. Her and I do have a lot in common mainly her realizations in regard to how she was in the marriage prior to her H's EA...I can relate.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think maybe you meant this for Iheartlife.....and I agree her story and her attitude are to be commended.
> 
> She is one of those people that I think if she can do it then so can I. Her and I do have a lot in common mainly her realizations in regard to how she was in the marriage prior to her H's EA...I can relate.


ha..i did  sorry...but point got out right-I hope...

No wait...you too...because your points helped me as well...so double bonus that you BOTH are here posting and helping!

Thanks!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is such a hard thing to go thru and that is why I love this board it helps tremendously. I know sometimes I find myself thinking why did this have to happen to me and then I think well it did, you can't change it and now you have to deal with it and use it to my advantage..i.e. make my marriage better than it was. 

If a marriage doesn't change after an affair that cannot be a good thing...


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

One night he came home and worked on his computer here at the house. I sat nearby and periodically read aloud excerpts from the book Not Just Friends as he sat there working (I'm sure he was loving that). I became fixated by that laptop. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I did a search for the AP's name. 55 hits popped up.[/QUOTE]

how did you do this? i'm curious if i can do it too.


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

> One night he came home and worked on his computer here at the house. I sat nearby and periodically read aloud excerpts from the book Not Just Friends as he sat there working (I'm sure he was loving that). I became fixated by that laptop. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I did a search for the AP's name. 55 hits popped up.


how did you do this? i'm curious if i can do it too.[/QUOTE]


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I first saw those cartoons, made by a poster named Marzipan, back in November 2010, when I was still on Surviving Infidelity, my original forum. It shows the depths of the feeling between two APs, how they feel they are each others' soulmates, etc.


:rofl: As deep as the skin under their mutual tattoos!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Verushkita said:


> One night he came home and worked on his computer here at the house. I sat nearby and periodically read aloud excerpts from the book Not Just Friends as he sat there working (I'm sure he was loving that). I became fixated by that laptop. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I did a search for the AP's name. 55 hits popped up.





> how did you do this? i'm curious if i can do it too.


We have a PC, not a Mac. So someone else will have to tell you how to do it on a Mac. On a PC, you go to the lower left-hand corner, and click the Windows symbol (We have Windows 7.) Up will pop a menu, at the bottom of the menu is a search window. Type in what you want. Hope that was clear.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I think it takes the WS alot to fully understand the depth of betrayal...I know since DD#2 my H has seen how much this has betrayed me almost worse since DD#1. I think it shocked him how what he thought in his words was just some "idle chitchat" that didn't mean anything to him, how much damage he caused to me. I honestly think that due to her being overseas with no possibility of seeing each other in person again, that he didn't realize the implications of what he was doing.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> We have a PC, not a Mac. So someone else will have to tell you how to do it on a Mac. On a PC, you go to the lower left-hand corner, and click the Windows symbol (We have Windows 7.) Up will pop a menu, at the bottom of the menu is a search window. Type in what you want. Hope that was clear.


Cool, I never knew that you could do this! Thanks


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Oh, how I hate it when they fish, it can be something as simple as yours: smiley faces. And that's enough to reconnect and restart the affair. The WS immediately takes the bait, the AP reels them in, and then its back on.


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

thank you to highwood for making the request from iheartlife.

and to iheartlife, you are amazing! thank you for sharing. your resolve to protect what is yours is admirable. your FWH better recognize what a remarkable wife he has in you.

i can relate to so many things of what you say especially....how bad things were and the feeling that the current state of your marriage back then contributed to the affair.

in my case, i think i caught a budding EA and was able to nix it, but i still feel very betrayed. i don't have concrete evidence of any other indiscretions but because i gave my husband so much space and liberties that now all i can do is wonder about all the times he stayed out so late and came home so drunk.

one of these days i'll share mine, i'm just not ready. we are working through our issues are on the road to recovery, we see a MC but we haven't gone in about 3 weeks now. time to schedule another appointment for us.


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