# He says he wants divorce, I don't know what to do..



## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

We have had some strains in the relationship. A year ago my mom and nephew lived with us for about 6 months, they weren't a problem but alone time in the house we just purchased was lacking. We actually didn't get married until September, my family still there and then his family came from Ireland to stay for a month as well. 

We had out first baby in December and in March my sister from another state was getting separated and came to stay with us. Her kids were a lil outta control and he complained to me but I said nothing (I realize now how much of a mistake that was) he had a chat with her and things were ok but on mothers day he saw something had spilled on the carpet and my sister was away with TX for a hearing and he flipped, packed all her things and put in the garage and told her, her **** was packed and she was not welcome anymore. I was so upset it was handled that way and on my first mothers days of all days that I left for a week to stay with my other sister.

I came back things went down hill. He said when I left he thought of that as being disloyal to him but he could not see how it hurt me. His family came out again, dad for a month then mom for a month and he said we would work on things when his family was gone and it was just us bc we were both still upset. My family loved him to death and though they said nothing to him and encourage me to go back home he hated them and blamed and still blames them for this.

Two weeks ago he's snuggling me in bed and one day tells me how he feels like a crappy husband and father and we deserve better? Then last week my sister wanted to borrow OUR mower and I asked him and he flipped saying how they're trying to get in between us and I told him things were never gonna be the same but he at least needed to make some effort to get to a cordial spot and he told me he was going to be the bigger person and break up with me. 

I went thru his FB(another huge mistake) and saw where he had told someone he was recently smoking weed when he woke and before bed, I totally flipped b/c he was the one taking our daughter to the sitter in the mornings.

I keep begging and pleading but he keeps saying he's done and it's over. I asked for counseling and everything and he just keeps saying there's no point and says it will go back to the way it was. He also told me he didn't love me, but he was acting all lovey dovey the week before?? He is really torn up about this and when he told me it was done and over yesterday he was even crying. I am so confused if he is being stubborn and rash like in the past or if it's real this time. Space or keep begging?? I am so scared this is real and I don't know what to do. Sorry so long but any advice appreciated!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would write him a letter so that you can communicate without him getting angry. Give it to him and take off for a drive. Sounds like he is totally stressed out to be flying off the handle like that over a mower. But some folks don't like to let other people break their stuff, lol. I think there's still a chance to work it out. It's when they tell you it's over and they're not crying that you have to worry. That's how my wife told me.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Thank you for the response. I feel like he is stressed out as well and at first when the situation happened with my sister he told me he was sorry for doing it that way and he said in his own words he totally lost it. Though now he won't say that and just wants to blame everyone else for this situation. I feel as though he may be stressed b/c of the big change? My family is very close and we do a lot together, not to mention some live 4 houses down and he does not like that. Now I am the one that is stressed b/c I don't know whether to give him space or keep asking him to be together? I'm afraid if I give space he'll think I'm uninterested and if I keep asking he'll get annoyed. I just can't get over the part where he said he didn't love me. I've been so stressed I lost 10lbs this past week. I read your thread earlier and I am sorry to hear about your situation


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What's "like it was"? What is the problem he's having? Stop letting all the family members crash at your house and have some quality time with your husband. Make a date with him to somewhere easy that you both like toe at that's quiet so you can talk, but don't talk about the relationship and don't fawn over him like I did my wife. Then again, as you can see what's my advice worth...... Thx for the sympathy, btw. This stuff is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

I just would hang out with the family a lot. We would help them, they would help us. He used to go ATV riding with my uncle all the time and you know I almost feel like he's getting angry just thinking about what my family may be saying about him b/c of what happened?? If they say anything bad they won't say it to me b/c they have more respect for me than to bash my husband in front of me, they may not like him but they believe in working it out. I have been staying at my mothers for a week and just see him when I drop the baby off so i'm trying to figure out what I can do in those moments to change his mind. I have asked him for counseling, since I've been at my moms I told him we could get some space and try to date again, but he refuses everything and only wants to talk about our daughter and nothing else.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How much pot is he actually smoking?


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Not sure...he smokes it in a vapor pen in a wax form...we're out in CO so there's so many diff types and things, he just said when he wakes up and goes to bed..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally don't like the "space" thing. My wife had to leave because I was being a big hovering, needy, clingy baby that was driving her nuts. So I think it was good in my case. I'm praying that she comes back. I don't smoke pot so I have no clue what that's doing to him but the way he seems so stressed out ..... .? 
I think maybe you should go back and give him some sweet attention and act in a way that doesn't give him stress for a while. Don't be needy or clingy or try to squeeze out positive comments from him about your relat. ( I know how hard that is) I screw it up regularly). In a couple of weeks, write him a letter telling him how you'd like to go to counseling and why you think it would be helpful. It doesn't sound like he's having an affair so maybe this would be easier than my situation.
I really wish you luck, this is the most difficult pain a person could endure.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

He says it relaxes him...I got mad bc 1. He was driving our daughter around after smoking 2. He was hiding it. I am still very angry about it but I'm trying to be nice to him to get him back first and hoping the rest can be handled in counseling should he choose to come back. Yes it's very hard. I feel so out of control and feel frantic bc I dunno how to fix it, even harder when you have to see the person bc of the kids and you just wanna hug or kiss them and you can't. Thank you for the encouragement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Space. No. 
Begging. No. 

Sorry, but going to live with your mother when you are angry is disloyal. It tells him that when he expresses strong feelings you will abandon him. He won't forget that. Would you? You have to address the issues that cause conflict head on. Don't side with your family over your husband. 

The fact that you let your sister get away with less than appropriate behavior when she was a guest in your home tells him that he is less important than her. 

Ask anyone with a strong marriage what the order of loyalty is: 1. Spouse, 2. Children, 3. Extended Family. 

His pot smoking is a separate issue. Treat it as such. 

Don't involve your family in conflict between you and your husband. By that I mean, don't describe your issues to them and solicit their advice unless you can do so in an objective manner. They're biased and your husband is going to feel ganged up on. But lets face it, you fled from your husband so you're probably coming across as more of a victim to them. And if you're a victim that makes your husband a ...?


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

The way he handled the situation with my sister was wrong and he even said that. I left after he broke up with me and told me he wanted a divorce. I have tried to talk to him and I have owned up to my mistakes but he just goes off about my family. I just tell my family we're having issues and that's i , I confide in one good friend and well now this forum. The doc also gave him Xanax,muscle relaxers, and ambien, he's just on so much crap and the other night said he wanted to end it all and keeps talking about a melt down. Right now I'm just trying to be his friend bc I dunno what else to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think the problem is too many people always at your house. If it's not his family visiting for a month it's yours always there.

We all have family but you, your husband and kid are top dog and the rest comes in second. 

His family's and yours need a time limit when visiting. I understand his family travels from Ireland, but yours is right down the street and they don't need to be bunking out at your home all the time. 

This is not a good way to have a marriage when there isn't any alone time.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

We have both agreed on this and said we would work on things after they were all gone and the last incident happened like two days after his mom left so we haven't been able to do anything, but now he doesn't want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Salesbury said:


> The way he handled the situation with my sister was wrong and he even said that. I left after he broke up with me and told me he wanted a divorce. I have tried to talk to him and I have owned up to my mistakes but he just goes off about my family. I just tell my family we're having issues and that's i , I confide in one good friend and well now this forum. The doc also gave him Xanax,muscle relaxers, and ambien, he's just on so much crap and the other night said he wanted to end it all and keeps talking about a melt down. Right now I'm just trying to be his friend bc I dunno what else to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're both going to be wrong from time to time. How can you make things work if your impulse in such situations is to leave and his is to medicate or threaten to "break up"? That just guarantees that you never address the issues you have. 

Owning up to your mistakes isn't the same as coming up with a plan to address them. It provides you with a way to say you're sorry but at the same time not accept responsibility. 

If you accept responsibility it means that you recognize that you have a behavior that you need to change. He needs to do the same. 

You need MC. You don't need family invading your space all of the time. You can't run away when you're angry. That tells him that you're going to avoid the issue.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Yes I realize all of this and have asked for counseling and he's refusing to get back together, got to counseling etc. my whole point of the post was to figure out how to get him to turn around and change his mind and move forward and get the help we need or opinions on if it sounded like it was too late
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

This morning when I talked to him I asked him why he was so mean to me and he said it was bc I was hding onto something that wasn't there. I asked him why he doesn't file the papers then, last week he said he was gonna do it this week, this week it's bc he has to get a lawyer. He said if he thought it was go a be fine he'd get back together but he knows it's not and said eff counseling. Can anyone read into this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Usually there is another person in the mix.


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