# emotionally cheated on. need advice.



## help:( (Jan 3, 2013)

please help!!
Hi, 
My girlfriend and I have had a strong relationship for over four years, and i love her dearly. but over the last 12 months or so it has been in sharp decline. We began to grow apart, which horrified me and i was desperate to stay close. I began to doubt myself, and worried about our future together. I became very insecure, in particular about her new job: she became appointed the physio of a local all-male sporting team. I was worried all the guys would try and pick her up. 
One night at a party we were both at, she introduced me to a guy, Tom, who she said played for the sport team she worked at. He was good looking, taller than me, charming. Right in front of me, she then proceeded to flirt with him for hours, completely ignoring me. I was mortified, and felt shocking. i was still so in love with my girlfriend, but she made me feel like dirt. the whole party knew i was upset and it beame a talking point. she humiliated me. i was so jealous and she made me feel like dirt.

still traumatised the next day, i hacked my girlfriends Facebook account. i read a conversation between her and her best friend (a female) where my GF said she had 'wanted Tom for months' and knew her flirting upset me, but she said she 'didn't care'. she said he looked 'delicious' and was disappointed she couldn't date him. 

i confronted her about this. i was so upset and so devastated. i felt betrayed, used, and my confidence has still not recovered (3 months on).she was immediately apologetic. she begged for forgiveness, said how stupid she'd been. i was in so much pain that i couldn't bear to leave her. I know she regrets her actions.

but in the months after these events, i haven't' been feeling very good. i am really insecure still, and my self confidence is at an all time low. i can't get over her actions. i can't move on, it's like i'm haunted. and i still have so many questions that i want answered, but i don't feel like i can ask my GF anything about it, because it makes her upset. I am so bitter about the way she betrayed me, and i feel second best to every guy. i am so sick of feeling like crap  

please give me advice! anything!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. 3 months is hardly a drop in the bucket. The way you are feeling is pretty normal at this stage.

I suggest that you get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a good place to start. 

Your gf needs to answer your questions.. over and over if that's what you need. She need to do things to prove to you that she can be trusted. What has she done to prove to you that she is not still trying to date this guy? or maybe even actually cheating with him?

The way you are feeling you might want to seriously consider leaving her. She publically stompled on you and you may not be able to get over that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> i read a conversation between her and her best friend (a female) where my GF said she had 'wanted Tom for months' and knew her flirting upset me, but she said she 'didn't care'. she said he looked 'delicious' and was disappointed she couldn't date him.


And you still want to be with her? Why?


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## help:( (Jan 3, 2013)

because i love her... but still hurt. i'm very confused.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You don't love her. You love what you assumed she is. You heart is adjusting to the new reality of the actual kind person she is. That is why the conflict.

Why does it matter anyway ? She does not love you back. Would she be with you today if she had better options ? or if Tom was willing to date her ? She is scared to be alone, so she will be with you until she can find another branch to cling on to.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I know she regrets her actions.





> but i don't feel like i can ask my GF anything about it, because it makes her upset.


You are being an utter dumbass and are letting her manipulate you. Do your friends know about this ?Have you shared this with anyone ?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

You should cut her out of your life like a cancer. And thank your lucky stars you didn't marry the POS or have any babies.

When she comes crawling back tell her she has to find a new job that doesn't have her working for this bunch of jocks all the time. Then you'll see where you stand with this girl.

Your afraid to bring up the subject because you don't want to upset her... It's the same frigging story every day on these boards.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

help:( said:


> please help!!
> Hi,
> My girlfriend and I have had a strong relationship for over four years, and i love her dearly. but over the last 12 months or so it has been in sharp decline. We began to grow apart, which horrified me and i was desperate to stay close. I began to doubt myself, and worried about our future together. I became very insecure, in particular about her new job: she became appointed the physio of a local all-male sporting team. I was worried all the guys would try and pick her up.
> One night at a party we were both at, she introduced me to a guy, Tom, who she said played for the sport team she worked at. He was good looking, taller than me, charming. Right in front of me, she then proceeded to flirt with him for hours, completely ignoring me. I was mortified, and felt shocking. i was still so in love with my girlfriend, but she made me feel like dirt. the whole party knew i was upset and it beame a talking point. she humiliated me. i was so jealous and she made me feel like dirt.
> ...


Run, man, and count yourself lucky that you discovered this character flaw before their were legal and familial ramifications. The first thing you did wrong was being okay with her having a job where she was the lone female hanging out all the time with a bunch of swinging ****s. You might just as have put horns on yourself. What you need to understand is that your (ex- if you're smart) girlfriend is spending a lot of time with a bunch of testosterone-soaked, fit, symmetrically-featured guys whose entire culture revolves around ego, narcissism and polygyny. If that's not going to change, and stay changed, don't even bother. You're going to get burned.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> Run, man, and count yourself lucky that you discovered this character flaw before their were legal and familial ramifications. The first thing you did wrong was being okay with her having a job where she was the lone female hanging out all the time with a bunch of swinging ****s. You might just as have put horns on yourself. What you need to understand is that your (ex- if you're smart) girlfriend is spending a lot of time with a bunch of testosterone-soaked, fit, symmetrically-featured guys whose entire culture revolves around ego, narcissism and polygyny. If that's not going to change, and stay changed, don't even bother. You're going to get burned.


OP I would suggest you commit this post to memory.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Dear help  ,

You don't want to hear it, but you must:

You will suffer long-term by holding onto this girl. Your long-term quality of life will improve GREATLY once you let go of her. You deserve someone who does CARE about you. I have zero faith in a girl who flirts in front of you and HUMILIATES you. That is emotional abuse, period. 

You know how they talk about girls who get dependent on a guy who beats them? That's exactly where you are. You are dependent on someone who is hurting you. You need to rise above this girl. 

Thankfully, you are not tied down - no marriage, no kids. It is much easier than you will believe. You need to realize that you are in love with the "idea" of who you want to see her as. She is in reality a very ugly person. The sooner you realize that, the better. There are tons of lovely girls looking for love who are not serial cheaters. 

Run from this girl. Do not give her any more chances. NOT WORTH IT. Run!!!! Forest run!


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

bottom line. your acting like a wuss and your gf sees this. You are not making yourself any more appealing to her by your insecure actions. remember she is a gf not your wife. she is looking to move on to be with her new interest. she dosent care what you think and is probably staying around to not look like a complete b$&!h. but time will/has come when she will no longer care and make her move in spite of you.

She has already should you disrespect in front of you in public and secretly said she dosent care. Gather yourself and move on. love and respect is a two way street and her street is open for another man. Leave this women and find somebody else who will be more deserving. She is not the only women in the world. dont drag yourself down for a women who would treat you like she has. get a fresh start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perilsoftheinternet (Dec 31, 2012)

Do it now - or else in a few years time you will be posting in a similar vein to me

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64309-didnt-see-coming.html


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Get away from this woman NOW !! She DOES NOT LOVE YOU ! You are not married and have no kids. Time to run.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

What alpha said, grab your balls off the floor, polish them off and use them.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Dude four years, that should be a connection of mind, body and spirit, not to mention being married. After four years you should have popped the question if you love her. Probably a good thing you didn't because you just found out what she is really about. IMHO that is a clear cut case of see ya. Brother you have your "out." If she really was into you and in love, she would have said something like "Yeah he is handsome, but he doesn't even come close to what I have at home."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Even if she "gets it", highly doubtful, but lets say she does. Every guy at the party who witnessed your humiliation will assume she's a player. 

They very likely are far more experienced that your gf (although her experiences are rapidly increasing - and not in a good way), and her attitude toward your relationship is very poor. 

You should believe what she freely confessed to her bff instead of what she said to you in panic. As others have noted, she is keeping you in the wings until she finds "the one". 

If you were THE ONE she would never have humilliated you in public and flirt shamelessly.

Move on. Find someone who will place herself at your side not in front.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> please give me advice! anything!


Why, yes. Here is some advice. Find a woman who gives a damn, rather than the woman you are currently with.

You are too good for her. Trade up to your own level.

It's not easy. But you'll get there.:smthumbup:

Meditation and self-improvement DVDs might help.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

OP, what kind of shape are you in, if you were single, would you want to hang out with yourself? What are your hobbies? How about your friends? Has SHE ever, since you met her, told you why she fell in love with you? If so, why was that? Do you live together? How has your sex life with her been? I am not asking about frequency, but when you do have sex, is it intimate, routine or a "hurry up" situation? In your honest to God opinion, set yourself outside of this situation. Now walk up to your GF holding a picture of you and the other guy and tell her she can choose which ever one she wants without consequence, which one do you think she would pick?

You sound like a whiny, needy, nice guy. I would know because I was the same. Once you start focusing on yourself, your mindset about her will begin to change, whether your still with her or not. You absolutely must come to terms with the possibility of losing her, and NOT GIVE A ****. It will be hard, mentally frustrating and will take a physical toll on you, but you will be better in the end. You need to make yourself less available by going to the gym, getting a hobby and focusing on it, go hang out with friends once a week at least.

My relationship is not without flaws as you can read them here, we still have issue, namely me still having some nice guy-itis, and her not used to adhereing to boundaries. But the one thing we do have is that we do want it to work.


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