# Emotional Affair - Hurts



## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

My wife told me on Thanksgiving that she met a guy on a photo sharing website on her phone. Since then, I have been trying to be the nice guy and take her on trips, but her gifts, etc. I also begged, cried, threatened divorce a couple times, had the kids yell at her, called her family, tried to shut off her phone, etc. That isn't working, of course, and today she said she thinks she would like a divorce and wants to meet him.

A very similar thing happened in 2007, and she eventually met that guy and they had sex. The sex killed the affair because he was just a kid who lived with his mom. I took her back but never did anything different or went to counseling, so I take the blame on that lameness.

From looking at this site, the next step for me should be 180 and what else?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Follow through with the divorce. You were merciful enough to take her back the first time after she essentially molested a kid. 

Give her the divorce she wants and get your self respect back.

Good luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Time to divorce. She is a serial cheater. Let her go meet him...ew.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's a serial cheater, is that the kind of wife you want to have?

Since she's offering to divorce you, I'd say you should take her up on her offer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She wants out...let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Fight for her, let her go, or kick her out......your choice, its your life!

She is in an EA fog and yes, she has issues, maturity only being one of them. You screwed up after her last affair but that is understandable..you can't make the same mistakes this time.

D or R you need to destroy the fog.

1. Implement the hard 180, no more Mr. Nice Guy, no more begging, become an ALPHA MALE. 

2. Seperate your finances, if she is a SAHM, cut her off, just enough money to keep the house hold running (give her store/supermarket/gas station gift cards instead of cash.

3. See an attorney, determine what you want if you seperate/divorce, start talking to her about housing, custody, support and seperation of maritial property.

Good luck!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Kick her skank butt to the curb!!!


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Wow! I have to admit, I posted on here thinking I would get some advice on how to save the marriage, but your responses are very valid. I should mention that this is our 20th year of marriage, two kids 18 and 15.

I am slowly accepting the reality of divorce, that seems to be the consensus on here anyway.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

she cheated a second time cause you didn't dump her azz the first time. have some respect for yourself, she sure dont.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Face it, Your wife clearly doesnt love you if she cheats on you and doesnt feel guilty about it. Also there were no consequences to her cheating so whats to stop her from doing it again when she knows that you will take her back.

Your kids are grown up now. You have nothing to lose. Divorce her and move on with your life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****A very similar thing happened in 2007, and she eventually met that guy and they had sex. The sex killed the affair because he was just a kid who lived with his mom. ****

I'm having trouble understanding these situations. Why would anyone upset the situation that they currently have unless there was some possibility of trading up?

My guy was having an EA which I put a stop to. At every point in which he told me that I was better than she, all I could ask was, why the **** do you waste your time. of course, these days when men say "she meant nothing to me" I really don't believe it.

Thankfully, just raising the issue with my guy --and suggesting that I could become a friend just like her (ie no sex, no time just for you, most likely I'll be out looking for other men..........-- he knew it was time to jettison her. I realise these things are much easier when you're not married.


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Yeah, I don't think this is a "trade-up" situation. Both guys are very young and live with their mothers. The weren't anything special physically, but they lavished her with words. Her love language is 99% words of affirmation. 

There is something else going on here, requiring massive therapy. A quick look at her childhood proves that.

She has a very childish, "fairy" way of making decisions and she says she just wants to be "in love" again. I think she loves the triangle, just like Jacob and Edward in the Twilight movies. She has said that so many times...

Of course, I have a lot of work to do also. Doing the research on emotional affairs took me to the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, which is slowly changing my life.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You should do the 180, with no intention of ever staying with this woman.

Why the heck would you let someone cheat on you twice? So you can work on the marriage and then wonder whos bed she's going to be in when sh*t hits the fan again? If she doesn't understand the pain she caused from the first one, and is cool with doing it again, why would you stay??

Where is your self-respect? Do you think this marriage is worth saving?


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

COguy, everyone says that, including my children. I am finally hearing it. Thanks to NMMNG, I am realizing why I liked the "broken" woman in the first place.

Honestly, I wanted to save the marriage partially because I thought it was a life-long thing. I thought anything could be fixed. And, I find her physically very attractive and completely unpredictable, both of which were fun for the guy I was then.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****Both guys are very young and live with their mothers. The weren't anything special physically, but they lavished her with words. Her love language is 99% words of affirmation. ****

I have seen a few situations in which words more than actions were valued.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She likes younger men. She's also a serial cheater. 

You have no chance. 

How do you know she hasnt cheated in between the two you found out about?


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Good point. Probably because she tells me about them right when the start and tells me all the damn details the whole time. I have come to believe each was a challenge to man up, grow some balls, and fight for her.

I can admit that I also was neglectful on the words of affirmation, besides "You are so hot" and "Let me see your boobs". She has never worked or anything so I guess I just saw her as a sex toy. Apparently, so did she and everyone else...


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

If you haven't done the 180 yet, here it is:

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

Read it. Do it. It will help you cope with the emotional abuse and prepare you for life without the little trollop you are married to. 

Also, go here: No More Mr. Nice Guy . Buy the book and read the forum posts. Lots of help in there from guys who have been through what you are going through.


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks Spudster. I started the 180 already and I finally believe I will be able to pull it off.

I am on my second pass through the NMMNG book and doing the exercises. The NMMNG forum has been very useful. It really struck a chord with me, I'm sure it is changing my life.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

It's sad that you are the only adult in the marriage. At some point you are going to have to weigh the amount of work you are putting in to saving the marriage, with the prediction of eventual outcome. If five years down the road you have matured and become an IM, and your wife is still the same emotional infant, then is all this effort really worth it?


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

That is another great point, she really is a kid. I am still assuming that much of her behavior was tied to my Nice Guy Syndrome and she might be very responsive. I think we should live apart for a while and go to some serious therapy and self evaluation before we decide what to do.

Just like every situation, this is way more complex that I have let on. Her Dad committed suicide a few years ago and that was confusing and started a spiritual journey that goes in circles. She had a long-term live in girlfriend that slept in our bed off and on for years. I brought so much of this on myself, I need to clean all that up and see what happens.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry dude but you're blaming yourself for her affair. I don't care how much of a girly man you are, she wanted this.

She wasn't remorseful about the first and she isn't about the second.

You're grasping at straws and the straws are old and dirty and broken.

You need to read NMMNG not to reconcile with your wife but because an anorexic hooker has more self-esteem than you.

Read this as if it was about someone else and tell me what you think:

"My wife cheated on me 10 years ago with a 17 year old kid. I forgave her. She cheated again on another kid. I feel bad because I didn't praise her enough with words. What can I do to win her back?"


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting of cheating and putting her health at risk for STD's as you have been?


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Yeah, I hear you guys. I would like to think that my self esteem was good until she beat on it for 20 years, but I'm not so sure now. I know I have a lot to offer a woman and I notice them and they notice me, but I remain a little stuck. I still find my wife damn attractive and I hold on to old school "marriage is forever" stuff.

I can feel my self esteem improving and I'm not too worried about that. Nobody will judge me if I end this marriage, and I will meet someone better. Just taking time to see what all this turns into.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Definetly move on, you can't work on this relationship by yourself. It takes two! And she should be doing most of the work. You sound like a good guy, you will find someone else who will appreciate you and be good to you. Good luck 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

She is doing this because her emotional needs are not being met. Are you meeting her needs? You said, " they lavished her with words. Her love language is 99% words of affirmation. ****"
You buy her gifts and take her on trips. Have you tried talking to her adoringly? 
Just a thought.... Try reading His needs, Her needs and take the emotional needs test on the MB website.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

be cool said:


> She had a long-term live in girlfriend that slept in our bed off and on for years.


Can you clarify on this? I am a tad bit confused.


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## be cool (Jan 23, 2012)

Silverlining, I wasn't good enough at the adoring and nurturing that before, but I was excellent during "Plan A". I believe it made things worse because it seemed fake and pathetic once the emotional affair already started. I am now firmly in "Plan B"/180.

Sadcalifornian - A few years into our marriage, we mutually allowed other women into our sex life. I was not having sex with these girls. The last one is still around as a "friend".


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

be cool said:


> Silverlining, I wasn't good enough at the adoring and nurturing that before, but I was excellent during "Plan A". I believe it made things worse because it seemed fake and pathetic once the emotional affair already started. I am now firmly in "Plan B"/180.
> 
> Sadcalifornian - A few years into our marriage, we mutually allowed other women into our sex life. I was not having sex with these girls. The last one is still around as a "friend".


Stop letting your Johnson make your life decisions. It's not working well for you.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If she's done this to you a second time, she is very much unrepentant. She thinks you won't do anything to stop it and so she can have stability with you and fool around on the side, too. Don't let her disrespect you this way. 

File for divorce. Try for custody. Let her know that if she is choosing to be this immature, she goes it alone. Seriously. It will wake her up and either it will change her or you will recognize that she really doesn't care about anyone but herself.

It's going to hurt and it might take you a while to deal with the emotional fallout, but, considering that this is not the first time, you really cannot afford to let it slide. Go seek out an attorney.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. At least you have your kids and hopefully your self-respect.

Edit....I just noticed you mentioned other women, too. Is it possible that she is not a monogamous person? If you are okay with polyamory, that is a different story, but if you are interested in monogamy, then you cannot let this go without any consequences (that is, even if you feel attached, do the 180 stuff) or she will just believe it is okay. I'm glad to hear that you're doing the 180. It sounds like both of you should go separately to counseling because it sounds like both of you have been through a lot that is making it hard for you to see what you truly want. Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

be cool said:


> She had a long-term live in girlfriend that slept in our bed off and on for years. I brought so much of this on myself, I need to clean all that up and see what happens.


WTF? You've been having threesomes for years? With kids in the house? 

This smells fishy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am calling it. Troll thread.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I am calling it. Troll thread.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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