# Looking for advice



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

I was with my ex for 9 years and married for 3 until I found out she had an affair and fell pregnant with his child.

I divorced her 3 years ago now and went through so many dark days to overcome the hurt and rejection I felt.

She reached out back in Janurary this year but I ignored her. Eventually In March I took the courage to meet up with her.

We have spent quite a bit of time together and I have also on many times spent time with her child from the affair that broke our marriage.

She has asked that we take things slow for the sake of her child as she feels she doesn't want to introduce a new guy to her child if I then decided not to be a part of her life.

She has said I am and always have been the one for her.. she would message me daily !!

Long story short we slept together for the first time since our breakup Wednesday evening when she asked me to stay the night. The night itself was great..plenty of laughing and we genuinely enjoyed each others company.

I left the next morning and when I got home I texted to say I enjoyed spending time with her and said thanks for inviting me over. She replied with I really enjoyed spending time with you also and thanks for coming over.

I haven't messaged her since !! I think because I didn't want to look too keen or look needy. I was hoping she would message me but she hasn't for 3 days now.

She seemed a little tentative in bed and even said sorry but I haven't been this close with anyone in 18 months. 

Should I cut my losses ? Is she still into the kids dad ? Anyone else had any experience of relationships like this ?

Any views would be greatly appreciated !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does the OM pay child support? Does he see the child?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> I was with my ex for 9 years and married for 3 until I found out she had an affair and fell pregnant with his child.
> 
> I divorced her 3 years ago now and went through so many dark days to overcome the hurt and rejection I felt.
> 
> ...


She's a mother, so that's going to impact her availability to you. 

You'll have to ask her and weigh whether or not she can be faithful to you and if you've grown enough since then to be able to keep her interested and not wandering.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

The father pays maintenance and has the child once a week..

He sometimes randomly turns up at her place to see his child which I know frustrates her.

I'm just not sure why she hasn't contacted me since..very unusual considering she would message me daily.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> The father pays maintenance and has the child once a week..
> 
> He sometimes randomly turns up at her place to see his child which I know frustrates her.
> 
> I'm just not sure why she hasn't contacted me since..very unusual considering she would message me daily.


Only she can know. Ask her to meet for coffee when she's free. That will allow you to gauge her level of interest.
She may have only wanted a one-off safe sexual encounter.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

I think you're right..or she's still into the child's father.

I do wonder whether I should just not contact her. But then again maybe she is waiting for me to contact her


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s probably looking for a safe spot to land. Plan B since her plan A didn’t work out. If you were her choice she wouldn’t have screwed around on you would she?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> I think you're right..or she's still into the child's father.
> 
> I do wonder whether I should just not contact her. But then again maybe she is waiting for me to contact her


If you were the last one to send a text, then it's up to her to reciprocate. If she's not reciprocating, she's insufficiently interested.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I would leave it. If you were to get back with her the OM she cheated with will always be in your lives.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You really want her OM’s child and her OM in your life permanently?

Drop the hopium pipe and forge your own life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It could be that she recently broke up with the OM so has come running back to you.

Remember all the dark days you spent after you found out and you managed to eventually move on. Do you want to go through that all again?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It could be that she recently broke up with the OM so has come running back to you.


She hasn't been responding, from what he said, so I could be wrong when I say that's probably not the case. 
I think she just wanted a break from life and found a willing partner for that break.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You live in the UK, population around sixty seven million people with slightly over half the population female. 
Are you really interested in having a relationship with the one woman in the country who married you and then had another mans child? And she has him “calling round” whenever he feels like it.
Has this woman got a golden vagina or something because you seem to be on tenterhooks waiting for her to call.
I think you need your head examined buddy.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you for all of your replies!

So we would talk daily..

Since the night we spent together I messaged her and she did reply but I just havnt messaged her since.

I figured I would give her some space considering she did say she wanted to take things slowly.

I was in such a good place and I genuinely felt happy..the last few days my mind has been going crazy..


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for all of your replies!
> 
> So we would talk daily..
> 
> ...


If she wants you, she will text you. She owes you a text. 
If she doesn't text you back, that will tell you what you need to know.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Cheating was on her. If you go back for more, that's on you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for all of your replies!
> 
> So we would talk daily..
> 
> ...


So you are ok with her having regular contact with the other cheater? Bringing up his child? Risking going through those terrible times again? 
To me you seem very naive and over trusting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Charlie18! said:


> The father pays maintenance and has the child once a week..
> 
> He sometimes randomly turns up at her place to see his child which I know frustrates her.
> 
> I'm just not sure why she hasn't contacted me since..very unusual considering she would message me daily.


If she had any sense, she would have insisted that he has 50/50 custody but that's providing that a child is no longer nursing. That leaves her a life and a way to make a living. My guess is she so tied down with a small child now that she needs a man child support and that may be the only reason she's trying to get back with you.

How old was she when you two started being exclusive and how old was she when she cheated? I ask because I know trying to be with someone when you're too young often fails because your brain is not even fully developed yet so you have a lot of changing and exploring to do.

So I'm just going to say if you've been together since you were teens or early 20s, I would expect chaos or breakup.

But either way, you need to be careful of her motives here. She can't be in a very good position financially if she's taking care of a young child basically by herself. And you already know she will cheat. Now I do believe young people who get tied down early are more likely to cheat. It doesn't mean they always will, but I would say in this case it's a pretty fair chance and and got other options, I don't know why you'd want to take a chance on her.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

@Charlie18! let's not waste lots of time here...

You need to give your head a good wobble here and realise that responding to her was a massive mistake. She is an ex for a very good reason - she betrayed you and had another man's child.

Take the opportunity now to wrap up this dalliance in the past and shut it down. Move on and find a woman who deserves you.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

So we were both 30 when she did cheat..and she is now living in her own place and is financially stable as she works full time and earns a really good living.

I get she wanted to take things slow and I was happy to do that..but inviting me to stay the night and sleeping with me has suggested she is serious about giving this a go.

I just wonder whether me not contacting her is making her think I'm not interested..

Many of you has suggested I shouldn't go there and should move on so I think I really need to give that some thought !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems you have forgotten the state she left you in last time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You're asking the wrong questions and are looking at this the wrong way. 

She is slithering her way back to your world because she wants someone to pay for the love child she had with the guy she was attracted to but who did not stick around with her. 

You're being chumped here and being set up to provide for this other dude's offspring. 

You at least got a piece of azz out of the deal but I hope to God she didn't get you to knock her up so you'll be stuck paying on that kid too. 

You scored some tail from the ex that cheated on you and dumped you,,,, call that good and now walk away before she scams anything more off of you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did she and the POSOM split up? What happened? You might be Plan B.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

It turns out that as soon as she fell pregnant he didn't want to be with her..the other guy was actually married aswell..

I broke the affair to his wife and I then found out it was actually his 2nd divorce 😬

The guy apparently has never been around to interact with the kid or even bath the child..all of a sudden because they no longer live together he can't get involved enough.

When I was round hers just the other day I said oh you don't have a mirror in here..she said no my dad won't hang it as there are pips behind the wall..she said it's fine though because the boys dad said he would sort it.. that really annoyed me!

I wonder if she's not contacted me because she's realised she still wants the other guy..either way I've decided not to contact her and just let it be..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I only read the first 10 messages but…

mist women feel very vulnerable after having sex and hope that you reach out to show you weren’t just after sex.

it’s rare around these parts for a woman to ghost a man she sleeps with but not rare for her to want the man to pursue. Did not know how oldyou are but the older women like to be chased. She is probably also worried about you twos past and how you are feeling.

I doubt it’s some feelings for OM. She could probably havehim if she wanted


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Anastasia thank you for the message..

Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?

She has made it clear she doesn't want to be with the other guy and as you said if she wanted to be with him she certainly wouldn't have brought her own place or introduced me on many times to her kid


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I only read the first 10 messages but…
> 
> mist women feel very vulnerable after having sex and hope that you reach out to show you weren’t just after sex.
> 
> ...


May be best to read more?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> Anastasia thank you for the message..
> 
> Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?
> 
> She has made it clear she doesn't want to be with the other guy and as you said if she wanted to be with him she certainly wouldn't have brought her own place or introduced me on many times to her kid


Are you happy to date a women whose AP she is clearly seeing regularly? . 
Are you happy to help raise a child who came from their affair?
Are you happy to risk going through all that pain and betrayal again if/when she cheats again?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> Anastasia thank you for the message..
> 
> Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?
> 
> She has made it clear she doesn't want to be with the other guy and as you said if she wanted to be with him she certainly wouldn't have brought her own place or introduced me on many times to her kid


If you want her I'd reach out. What do you have to lose? Pride? I mean you say ya'll had a really good time. If you are open to possibly being with her again then call her make a date.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to have a relationship. What she did before was terrible. If you two do decide to have another long term relationship then some basic ground rules should be discussed. 

You are the wronged party in the past. So you can do whatever you like including just having casual sex. However, it seems like you still like her. If I were you (or her), I'd want you to be the man meaning call me let me know you like me. Ask me on another date.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> May be best to read more?


not sure what you mean. I read enough to know she cheated on him and had child with another man. I know they slept together and the OP seems to still genuinely care for her. 

I'm not sure I need all the TAMer's telling him he's an idiot or she should do the pursuing. What exactly did I miss?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Charlie18! said:


> Anastasia thank you for the message..
> 
> Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?
> 
> She has made it clear she doesn't want to be with the other guy and as you said if she wanted to be with him she certainly wouldn't have brought her own place or introduced me on many times to her kid


Well it's also clear she wanted him enough to have his kid....and by the way if you eventually get back with her you will end up raising the other man kid with the other man in you two life for a very long time...is the what you really want ? I don't see how this works in your favor at all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So you are ok with her having regular contact with the other cheater? Bringing up his child? Risking going through those terrible times again?
> To me you seem very naive and over trusting.


Every time you look at that innocent child's face you will see its daddy, grinning at you. 

You should help out the good, but not bail out the traitorous dumb.

It sound like she is desperate for a provider, a safe haven.
Her self-worth has been handed back to her (after being soiled) by the other man.

Where is your worth that she cut away from you?
From reading your post, you have yet to find it.

No, do not give her another go.
She dumped you, let her find some other sucker.



_King Brian-_


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You mentioned you were texting daily? How long has this been going on? Have you been in touch the whole time since you’ve divorced?

Look there’s regret and remorse and dishonest intentions and all that and whatever. Is this woman into you and does she desire you? 

We all know what this looks like. I mean think back to your best buddy at high school or a girl that was crushing on you, even the friendly shopkeeper who just lights up when you buy your milk and seems really happy to see you. There are people that make you feel like a million bucks and the people who seem quite and hesitant and moody and so on. Which one is she?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> It turns out that as soon as she fell pregnant he didn't want to be with her..the other guy was actually married aswell..
> 
> I broke the affair to his wife and I then found out it was actually his 2nd divorce 😬
> 
> ...


Could be she is trying to make the old boy jealous by letting you shag her again.

This would be a safe bet for her. 
Doin it with you won't make her seem so dodgy.

Yeah, her AP, he ain't afraid of you.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

So we've actually been meeting up since June..I hand on heart can honestly say the fact that she has a child with the other guy doesn't bother me. As long as boundaries are set and we are clear as to what they are.

In regards to sleeping with me I'm sure it wasn't her intentions..she was a little reserved and I definitely inituated for it to happen.

It's certainly a tough one because she has even asked me whether I would want to remarry one day.. she's asked when and if I would want a child with her if things are going well !

Part of me wants to give it a chance but I also know I'm likely to get burnt again.

Any suggestions on a message I can send too her suggest I'm going to move on and let her do her thing without sounding like an arsehole?

*thank you for reading my post everyone ! And I really appreciate your replies*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

While once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true the capability is there. Repeated infidelity happens. Not to mention all the baggage. If it were me I wouldn’t take a chance on this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Charlie18! said:


> It turns out that as soon as she fell pregnant he didn't want to be with her..the other guy was actually married aswell..
> 
> I broke the affair to his wife and I then found out it was actually his 2nd divorce 😬
> 
> ...


She picked him over you and had his child not yours. Better wake up and drop the hopium pipe.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So what was your answer to her questions? In terms of assistance with your message, you could also simply not message her back and she’ll take the hint? It does sound like you’re initiating contact a lot and she seems to be asking the serious stuff. Bear in mind, she could have changed. But really don’t play with her heart either and don’t commit again if you do have doubts. You’ve really got to be all in. But it does seem you are halfway in. And halfway out.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Go slow.
Foot off the gas.
But not on the brake either.
At least until you're sure what you want to do.
There are no guarantees in life.
There are only chances.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Charlie18! said:


> I was with my ex for 9 years and married for 3 until I found out she had an affair and fell pregnant with his child.
> 
> I divorced her 3 years ago now and went through so many dark days to overcome the hurt and rejection I felt.
> 
> ...


I think this is a really bad idea. My full thoughts on the matter would be too harsh so I’ll leave it at that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> So we've actually been meeting up since June..I hand on heart can honestly say the fact that she has a child with the other guy doesn't bother me. As long as boundaries are set and we are clear as to what they are.
> 
> In regards to sleeping with me I'm sure it wasn't her intentions..she was a little reserved and I definitely inituated for it to happen.
> 
> ...


Well man up it’s not a text topic.

but …

it’s been great seeing you again and I’ve had a lot of joy. I have also carefully consider a future. If I didn’t know what I know about your ability to destroy my life I’d be so excited. However I do know what I know and Idon’t feel it’s smart for us to see each other.

I hope you understand and stop contacting me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> So we've actually been meeting up since June..I hand on heart can honestly say the fact that she has a child with the other guy doesn't bother me. *As long as boundaries are set and we are clear as to what they are.*


Why would boundaries with HER mean anything, when she didn't mind violating them last time, as your WIFE...??


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Charlie18! said:



I haven't messaged her since !! I think because I didn't want to look too keen or look needy.

Click to expand...

*Yeah....it's a little too late for that.

You know what *my* opinion would be if I were her? I'd see you as pathetic, weak, and desperate.

Sorry, but I would have *ZERO* respect for you because you have *ZERO* respect for yourself.

She lied to you, she cheated on you, and then she was stupid enough to get herself pregnant which ended your marriage to her. She obviously disappeared for a few years hoping to make things work with Mr. Wonderful and SURPRISE - it wasn't quite the Nirvana the fool thought it would be.

And here you are - Default Option B, only TOO eager to be used by her. Again.

She comes sniffing around after a few years and tells you how she hasn't had sex with anyone in 18 months (*sure* she hasn't) and foolishly, you swallow your pride and actually fall for her lies. To the point where you strip yourself of *all* your dignity and sleep with this low life - then sit around crying into your beer because the user hasn't bothered to reach out to you for 3 days.

Do you want to know *WHY* she can't be bothered to reach out to you?

Because she doesn't have to! She knows what a sap you are. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because it's REALITY. She knows that you're willing to swallow every last ounce of your pride, dignity, and self-respect and jump right back down into the mud with her because you're so desperate to be with her.

She doesn't NEED to make an effort where you're concerned because she *knows* you're a good little lap dog SO eager for any attention you can get from her that you'll patiently wait there as long as she needs you to.

I'm honestly cringing FOR you.

For the love of all that's holy, find your pride, find your dignity, and find your self-respect OP.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Charlie18! said:



I think you're right..or she's still into the child's father.

Click to expand...

*But .. but... but.... I thought she said she hasn't had sex with anyone in 18 months? And you actually _believe_ that steaming load of bull-****?

Why you believe *ANYTHING* this liar feeds you is honestly beyond me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is going to sound rude, crude and mean; but, here goes: maybe having sex with you reminded her of why she cheated in the first place.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for all of your replies!
> 
> So we would talk daily..
> 
> ...


Just recall all the crap she put you through three years ago. She has managed to put you back in those times by sleeping with you once. Is she really so fantastic in bed as to overcome revulsion at who she is and what she has done.

i think the is looking for a resident daddy for her love child. Her AP is now doing someone else. If you allow an emotional bond to develop, you may end up being babysitter while she goes out and bangs some other guy(s).

you put her in the rearview mirror three years ago. Why is she just now sniffing around you?

Keep the past in the past. Invest your time in a woman who hasnt screwed others when they promised to be yours alone


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On swallowing pride, (I suspect) she swallowed hers when _she felt 'forced' _to get back together with you.

OUCH!

Those are cruel words, yes, truth can often be cruel.

It seems to me that you are convinced to give her another chance.
This is stupid.

If you must, do not marry her for years.
For years, to see if she can remain loyal.

It is your life, God Bless, and good luck.

You did not have good luck with this woman before, we hope that changes.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> If you want her I'd reach out. What do you have to lose? Pride? I mean you say ya'll had a really good time. If you are open to possibly being with her again then call her make a date.


This.

If you want to talk to her and be with her then do that. You’ll get an answer pretty quick one way or the other.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> I think you're right..or she's still into the child's father.
> 
> I do wonder whether I should just not contact her. But then again maybe she is waiting for me to contact her


She is playing games with you. She doesn’t have anyone and you’re willing to give her the attention she needs.

Break all contract with her and find someone that isn’t her.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for all of your replies!
> 
> So we would talk daily..
> 
> ...


Maybe she is trying to play hard to get, play up the trauma bond, get you crazy over her. That's what is seems like. Honestly, do you want to go down this road? Can you really ever trust this woman?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> Any suggestions on a message I can send too her suggest I'm going to move on and let her do her thing without sounding like an arsehole?


Dude you are not getting it. 

just walk away and carry on with your best life without her. You don't need to message her or say anything to her,,,, you just carry on and do it. Explain with your actions. Actions always speak louder than words. 

she'll figure it out quickly when you're not there. No explanations neccessary.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> So we've actually been meeting up since June..I hand on heart can honestly say the fact that she has a child with the other guy doesn't bother me. As long as boundaries are set and we are clear as to what they are.
> 
> In regards to sleeping with me I'm sure it wasn't her intentions..she was a little reserved and I definitely inituated for it to happen.
> 
> ...


_Yes. 
“The other night was great, I really enjoyed being with you. I realized what we had before your affair is gone. I don’t think things would ever work between us again. Have a great life. Good bye”_

Say it in your own way. You just keep out any remarks that can be misunderstood.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> Anastasia thank you for the message..
> 
> Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?
> 
> She has made it clear she doesn't want to be with the other guy and as you said if she wanted to be with him she certainly wouldn't have brought her own place or introduced me on many times to her kid


Or the other guys doesn’t want a thing to do with her. He made it clear that your ex was only a side piece. She could very well want a relationship with the OM but he doesn’t.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So the mirror that needs to be hung is in the bedroom? Why would the other man be in there if he is only picking the kid up once a week? They have a more in-depth relationship then only being co parents.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ABHale said:


> She is playing games with you. She doesn’t have anyone and you’re willing to give her the attention she needs.
> 
> Break all contract with her and find someone that isn’t her.


Yes, during this three-year break from you, has her running out of options.

Yes, she can find a sex partner, no, she (apparently) could not find a marriage-worthy man.
How do I know this?

She has come back to the one she knows is worthy.

She has been looking and dating, and trying out other men.
This is normal, we all want someone to snuggle with, hopefully to cherish and be cherished.

The wayward boomerang has returned to the thrower.
She literally threw herself away, and she now returns to the original place.

I will say that she may be broken, and that she has reached bottom, referencing relationships.

Know this, she is trying you out, again, she has no clue if it will work out.
I believe she, as much as said this.

Who wants a woman who is still uncertain?

If you take her back she will see herself as a failure, a woman who felt forced to compromise with her dreams of getting a better man.

You will be making love to a shell of a lady.
A lady whose heart is still unsatisfied.



_KB-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some men and women love their side pieces.
They bring to the relationship something the spouse does not.

Not all people want to be side pieces, they want to be whole.

I suspect, your ex wife wants to be whole, wholly in love with the side piece and in part, a wife to you.

This brings more stability to her present life, more status quo, with again, two men in her life.

Two men to kiss, two men to caress her breasts, two men to kiss her all over.

I suspect, she does not consciously seek this, oh my, she still dreams of it.

Dreams die hard, those discarded men fade away, reluctant, their hearts broken, their penis now flaccid, it gone soft from the anguish from another man taking his love away.




_Lilith-_


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> She reached out back in Janurary this year but I ignored her. Eventually In March I took the courage to meet up with her.


That wasn't courage, it was weakness and desperation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Charlie18! I suggest you read the last page or two of the thread, "STBXW Already Has Boyfriend...." in the Going Through Divorce section where I stated that getting with a single mother has absolutely no advantages and only disadvantages for a single guy that does not have kids. 

She may be your ex wife from years ago, but she is a single mother with another man's child now. 

There is no advantage for you getting with her vs finding some gal that doesn't have kids. 

Getting with someone that has kids will always bring a higher level of trouble, conflict, complexity, hassle etc etc with virtually NO additional gain whatsoever. 

You may have a history with this chick and she may have made your junk so hard you could crack walnuts with it back in the day, but today she is just another single mother looking for some provider and someone to help babysit and take care of another man's child. 

@SunCMars put it pretty poetically above, she was able to hook up with someone she liked having sex with better, but now she is looking for someone to foot the bills from that sex and that other guy was just in it for the poon so now she's coming back to the chump she knows will take her in and feed and house this other guy's offspring.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Looking for advice? Don’t get involved in her train-wreck life.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> It's certainly a tough one because she has even asked me whether I would want to remarry one day.. she's asked when and if I would want a child with her if things are going well !
> 
> Part of me wants to give it a chance but I also know I'm likely to get burnt again.
> 
> *thank you for reading my post everyone ! And I really appreciate your replies*


Yes, I'd say that you are positioning yourself in an excellent position to get burnt again.

However if you are truly serious (this is your circus and she is your monkey,) your question to her should be: What work have you done to become a safe spouse and what are you willing to do to prove it?

I don't know what the law is on prenups in the UK, however, I would certainly have a solicitor do all the groundwork possible to make sure that you come out more than okay if things go south. If she truly wants to be with you, she should be leading the charge on this issue.

You are the one who is going to have to deal with her love child and her former affair partner on a daily/regular basis (even assuming all goes well.) What is she going to do to rectify any pain and issues that occur with that?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Just why????

We are the choices we make?

So again why??? Out of all the women out there you chose to go down this path knowing what you know???


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Exactly ^^^^
What in the heck are you thinking and why aren’t you moving on and dating other, more trustworthy women, without children that were created by cheating on you?

You got the courage to meet up with her? Your thoughts are bass ackward. You should have the self awareness and dignity to avoid your ex and never again by fooled by the same con man(woman).

Why are haven’t you moved on. She has another man’s baby for goodness sake.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Like a moth to a flame.


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Have you had trouble meeting other women? Do you feel like your ex wife is the best you can do? I think you need to broaden your horizons. You are at most the 3rd choice for this woman. She chose this other man over you, she's probably been trying to find someone else, and, finally, when all her options are exhausted, she comes back to you.

You are basically the crud on the bottom of her shoe. She doesn't want it, but she has no other choice. Don't be that. Move on and find someone that wants you.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You really want her OM’s child and her OM in your life permanently?
> 
> Drop the hopium pipe and forge your own life.


this is a little harsh, but truthful. not sure i would want to sign up to raise some other guy's child....and take on the hassle of him showing up un-announced to p.o. the mom.

i guess it IS theoretically possible she now realizes what a great guy you were, and wants that back again. and in that realizations, is now willing to work at it...hard, to win you over. so if you are really still smitten with her, date her. what is the rush? see if it works out for a couple years...

if as others have suggested she only wants you to help raise the kid...that will become very apparent over even the first couple of months.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you talker67. I think I have to explore this as I'm a strong believer that people can change and people do deserve second chances.

I've decided to reach out and contact her via message but am struggling with words..! 

Am I wasting my time ? Most likely..very strange for her to not reach out but then again the same applies to me. I could have contacted her.

At least if I don't get a response I know where I stand and I can officially close that chapter in my life.. life is to short to dwell on the past !


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

There is no way in hell I would ever give her a second chance to tear my heart out and stomp on it. Looking at the affair child would be a constant reminder of what she did. Think about it OP......You are nothing but plan "B" and you're setting yourself up for more hurt.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you talker67. I* think I have to explore this as I'm a strong believer that people can change and people do deserve second chances.*
> 
> I've decided to reach out and contact her via message but am struggling with words..!
> 
> ...


I will help you. YES you ARE wasting your time. And we only get so much of that on this planet. Only so many trips around the sun. You already wasted nearly a decade on a serial cheater, so now you are willingly wasting some more???!!!

If you read through the threads on this site, you will see that wayward people changing into faithful spouses are so rare as to be nearly non-existent. Most of those threads are from people just like you wondering why oh why did he/she do this to me AGAIN.

You strongly believing people can change doesn't make it so. If it were, there wouldn't be all of those addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and sex over lifetimes. With loved ones constantly trying to help them "change" to no avail. It is called codependency. People usually can't and don't change absent an epiphany, and turning to a power higher than themselves.

Your own continued pursuit of a woman who betrayed you years ago is proof that people don't actually change. You are willingly devoting time to a person who obviously cared nothing for you except for the refuge from the cruel world that you represent. Your being happy as her third or fourth option proves you willingly present yourself again to be victimized.

With all of the potential females in your country, the only one you are interested in is the ONE who is obviously looking for a baby sitter and father figure for her kid. Meanwhile doing OM as often as he is willing.

You can only do you, we are prisoners of our own actions. Like a horse breaking away from rescuers to run back into the burning barn.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Were you with her for 9 years and married for 3, or with her for 8 years and married for 4? 

Either way, is she the last woman on Earth? 

Don't be a fool.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When someone intentionally harms you the chance of them doing it again are high. This wasn’t a mistake. It was intentionally planned and consciously carried out. Right now you are only seeing what you want to see and grasping at hopium.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

So I decided to reach out and sent this message:

"I want you to know that for the past 6 days I have not stopped thinking about you !! every minute of every day you're on my mind.

I'm an idiot with good intentions who hoped you would contact me when you were ready.

Just know that I miss having you in my life."

Let's see if she responds ! If she doesn't then I know where I stand..

It took me alot to let her back into my life..so she certainly won't get the opportunity again in the future if it doesn't work out this time.

Thanks again for all of your comments


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are working hard for the abuse and pain you will receive.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude: I can't figure it out??? either you are of of those pathetic men we read about, or you're too slow in the uptake, or both to really be able to comprehend. Whichever, the bottom line is that you're at the bottom of the pecking order. No wonder why your desperation to fall on the sword again. How desperately sad.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> Let's see if she responds ! If she doesn't then I know where I stand.


Are you kidding? WHEN SHE CHEATED WHILE MARRIED TO YOU is when you should have known where you stand!!!
If you didn't get that then, obviously nothing will make it clear to you.



Charlie18! said:


> It took me alot to let her back into my life..so she certainly won't get the opportunity again in the future if it doesn't work out this time.


When YOUR MARRIAGE didn't work out the last time is what should have stopped you from giving her any opportunity with you again...but it didn't. So all your fake-tough words aren't convincing anyone that you have any sense of self-respect or boundaries, or the courage to maintain them. They certainly aren't convincing HER that you are a strong man in any way.

All your message to her did was broadcast clearly that you are ready, willing, and able to be a doormat for her and to allow her to take advantage of you in any way she wants.


----------



## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Warning incoming loving 2x4.

OP,
You sound really needy and co-dependant. That message to me was cringe in your situation.
My advice to you would be to work on your self-security and dump your ego. I recommend you go to IC. And find out why you feel your abuser
should have this spot in your soul. you're showing some signs of a trauma victim. IF you can work out why. And you can protect yourself then go for it. IF not you are doomed to repeat your mistakes over and over even if not with her. You will pick the same type of person with the same type of traits. This will mean your history will repeat itself. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon to say you're wrong. I am going to point out that I have worked with and witnessed couples with abuse and horrendous acts that lacked humanity and made it work. But that required both partners with a lot of skin in the game to put the work in to fix it.
That doesn't sound like that's the case here.

I will point out. The reason she hasn't texted you is that you validated her ego, and subconsciously she knows you are needy. Even more so now that you haven't given her time to process and get back on her own terms. You're forcing it, and that makes it unnatural.

Rather than a relationship that makes you feel better. Have a real relationship with her or anyone else that you know you are loved. 

My 2 cents.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

she is looking for an alpha male and you are not. you should slept with her and left her to do all the work. you should have NOT said all these nice words to her. she is a cheater and I guarantee she is still sleeping with other man. hint about mirror, means he enters her house, they talk about house stuff, and for sure he still sleep with her.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She must have gotten your self respect in the divorce settlement OP. How you could consider (for even a fraction of a second) taking her back , is truly beyond me. Is it safe to say you've been waiting for her to come back to you all this time?


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

I think the woman she is feeling guilty from cheating years ago and wanted to make herself better by sleeping with him and start a friendship. and you fell for this trap


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Imnobodynew said:


> Warning incoming loving 2x4.
> 
> OP,
> You sound really needy and co-dependant. That message to me was cringe in your situation.
> ...


He's at an age where he has choices, he's wants familiarity.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> So I decided to reach out and sent this message:
> 
> "I want you to know that for the past 6 days I have not stopped thinking about you !! every minute of every day you're on my mind.
> 
> ...


You are free to do as you choose, but I suggest you go back and re-read you first post on TAM.

A recap...
She denied you sex for months while having an affair.
She got pregnant from a co-worker 20+ years her senior, after you and her failed to get pregnant after 2 years of trying.
She is a liar extraordinaire, putting red dye in pads to make you think she had her period while she was pregnant.
Once you found out she threw it in your face by putting on stretch mark oil for you to see.
Changed the locks on your house and moved in her POSOM.

Now 3 years later she phones you up for a booty call and you oblige, then basically tell her here that you are in love with her. This is harsh, but you are the best door mat I've ever seen here. How can you allow yourself to be treated like this? Have you had any other relationships since your divorce? For that matter, have you had any long term relationships other than your ExW?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

If you have options (other women) in your life you wouldn't even entertain taking back a cheater and cucking yourself. Seriously, it's fine if you don't have anything going for you, but it's also your responsibility to change that. You don't have to be the kind of guy who has no other options than to crawl back to his cheating ex. How many hoops do you have to mentally jump through to even think this is a good idea? Where is your father, what does he think?


----------



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … (she did as I messaged the morning after and she replied) ..I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now.

Wow what a response! Amazing how fickle someone can be..feel so angry and upset but its finally the end of a chapter !


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Wow, it didn't take long for the real her to come back out, did it!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Charlie18! said:


> I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … (she did as I messaged the morning after and she replied) ..I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now.
> 
> Wow what a response! Amazing how fickle someone can be..feel so angry and upset but its finally the end of a chapter !


End of a chapter? You should have put that book down a long time ago. People change when something traumatic happens to them and they WANT to change. she’s the same old girl that cheated on you and got knocked up with another man’s baby, which you tried to start another relationship with. 
What made you think she’d changed??????

Btw, the reason she accused you of playing games with her, is to deflect from you thinking the obvious, that she was playing with YOU.
Can’t you see this? I hope you’ve finally learned your lesson with this woman.

Avoid her like the plague she is.


----------



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.

Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.
> 
> Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


It took this for you to see her "true colors"???


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.
> 
> Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


Did she ever come back to you after you posted here?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … (she did as I messaged the morning after and she replied) ..I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now.
> 
> Wow what a response! Amazing how fickle someone can be..feel so angry and upset but its finally the end of a chapter !


@Diana7 

This was her response. Basically she was playing games and got a booty call out of it.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

She did..

"I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now"


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> She did..
> 
> "I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now"


You were very fortunate.
In this case, the trash took itself out.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> All your message to her did was broadcast clearly that you are ready, willing, and able to be a doormat for her and to allow her to take advantage of you in any way she wants.


It can't be stated any more clearly than this above ^^^^^^^^^^^^


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Shall we place bets on whether she is now pregnant? 

And if so, shall we place further bets on whether this child is Charlie's or not? 

She may have got knocked recently by some other dude and initiated with him to try to pass it off as his. If she plays this right, he'll be supporting two kids that aren't his.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.
> 
> Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


When somebody reaches a certain age most if not all won’t change. You seem to have taken the stance on this that suited what you wanted to see versus what you actually saw and experienced. This happens a lot. 
Learn from it and move on. It seemed you did this upfront pretty well but relented probably getting on a hopium kick.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Tdbo said:


> You were very fortunate.
> In this case, the trash took itself out.


Best post of the thread.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.
> 
> Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


I gotta ask......just what were you seeing up til this point?


----------



## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

He wasn't. Remember "Love is blind"... sigh.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Dude you don't know what the fk you are doing. Wake Up!!!!!

Please read this book. The Unplugged Alpha by rich cooper --watch his videos especially the stuff on single mothers. He covers it in the book. Read it!!!!




Marc878 said:


> She’s probably looking for a safe spot to land. Plan B since her plan A didn’t work out. If you were her choice she wouldn’t have screwed around on you would she?


Here's your answer. This Is why.. She sees you as the safe option to raise the kid.



oldshirt said:


> She is slithering her way back to your world because *she wants someone to pay for the love child she had with the guy she was attracted to but who did not stick around with her.*
> 
> You're being chumped here and being set up to provide for this other dude's offspring.





Charlie18! said:


> *Am I just being a fool then for not reaching out..? Should I contact her ?*


Yes. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> *She knows what a sap you are.*





She'sStillGotIt said:


> For the love of all that's holy, find your pride, find your dignity, and find your self-respect OP.





Charlie18! said:


> *I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now"*


Google the Lover/Provider Dichotomy. She's telling you this in female subcommunication. You will never be high on her priority list. She would have happily moved on w/ the other man and forgotten you completely. Do Not Fall into the Provider Trap......


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

One other thing. She left you. Went with another man she saw as BBB - bigger badder better.

She's sniffing around looking for you to bail her out. This was her choice. Don't be a white knight.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> (I suspect) she swallowed hers when _*she felt 'forced' *_*to get back together with you.
> 
> OUCH!*


Yep!!



SunCMars said:


> Yes, during this three-year break from you, has her running out of options.
> 
> *Yes, she can find a sex partner, no, she (apparently) could not find a marriage-worthy man.
> How do I know this?*
> ...


Right there.


----------



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

"I don’t think I can articulate quite how angry I am.
You sleep with me and then don’t contact me for almost a week and now suddenly I’m the bad guy and getting it from your family.
I will speak with you soon"..

Random message from her to me..my sister told her to quit playing games..ouch ! But seriously what the F**K..


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> "I don’t think I can articulate quite how angry I am.
> You sleep with me and then don’t contact me for almost a week and now suddenly I’m the bad guy and getting it from your family.
> I will speak with you soon"..
> 
> Random message from her to me..my sister told her to quit playing games..ouch ! But seriously what the F**K..


Dude: do yourself a favor and just ghost her. Do not become embroiled into an argument with her. For your own sake GHOST her. Move on and find a better woman.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s no other explanation here than she was trying to get you to support her abd her kid and as another poster postulated, possibly she’s pregnant and wanting you on the hook for child support for the next one.
You’ve played with fire. Hope you don’t get burnt. Wise up and block her and ignore all communication.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> "I don’t think I can articulate quite how angry I am.
> You sleep with me and then don’t contact me for almost a week and now suddenly I’m the bad guy and getting it from your family.
> I will speak with you soon"..
> 
> Random message from her to me..my sister told her to quit playing games..ouch ! But seriously what the F**K..



You don’t seem to be getting it. Any contact you have or any response you give her when she contacts you is just continuing and escalating this shtshow.

Every time you respond or have contact with her in any fashion, it is just going to prolong and escalate the drama.

You don’t seem to grasp that the only way to have peace and tranquillity here is to walk away and wash your hands of her. 

This is like the war computer in the movie War Games - the only winning move is not to play.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you like drama? You’re certainly in the middle of it. Just block her and move on.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> "I don’t think I can articulate quite how angry I am.
> You sleep with me and then don’t contact me for almost a week and now suddenly I’m the bad guy and getting it from your family.
> I will speak with you soon"..
> 
> Random message from her to me..my sister told her to quit playing games..ouch ! But seriously what the F**K..


In a roundabout way, she did you a service on this one.
If her condescending message gave you the smack upside the head, and the closure you apparently needed........
It was worth it.


----------



## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> If she wants you, she will text you. She owes you a text.
> If she doesn't text you back, that will tell you what you need to know.


if you were in a good place and you're mind is going crazy, and the only difference is her- cut her out asap


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> So we were both 30 when she did cheat..and she is now living in her own place and is financially stable as she works full time and earns a really good living.
> 
> I get she wanted to take things slow and I was happy to do that..but inviting me to stay the night and sleeping with me has suggested she is serious about giving this a go.
> 
> ...


You are assuming she is serious about trying again with you! Stop that.
She is a known cheater! She ruined your marriage and had a child with her OM.
You do KNOW these as facts. Decisions based on facts are more reliable than hope that someone has learned.

Why would you go backwards? She isn’t an honest gal who can be faithful. Those odds are really bad to risk.

You slept with her - so what… obviously people do that all the time - get tested for diseases…I’m sure she also lied about not being close to anyone for 18 months.

Don’t contact her. Your life is better without her drama!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Charlie18! said:


> I will speak with you soon"..


And therein lies YOUR problem. You keep engaging. As long as you perform the drama dance, you will remain in her orbit. You had sex with her. Bad decision/bad choice. But it's now history. It would behoove you to let it become ANCIENT history.

I never understand why people get into these drama fests that are destructive and soul-sucking.

Oh, well. Your life. Your choice. And I suggest you kick this skank out of your life and begin making wise choices. Seriously.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree… saying you’ll speak with her soon was a downfall. 
There no reason to ever speak to her again. She has made her life by being full of manipulation and drama. There’s no reason to be a part of that.

Send her a text that states clearly “there’s no reason for me to ever communicate with you again”
Then block her . Be done with her forever knowing she is one toxic fool.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

crushed2x said:


> if you were in a good place and you're mind is going crazy, and the only difference is her- *cut her out asap
> *





Do as i say -- not as I do.... Gotta love it.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Charlie18! said:


> Thank you everyone.. finally I can now see her for her true colours.
> 
> Narcissist comes to mind..now to be strong and keep my head held high


Good for you. So far.

Now go get tested for STDs and I hope you were the party responsible for prevention of pregnancy and were covered.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> She did..
> 
> "I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now"


I thought you said you did text her after you spent the night together?


----------



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

I messaged her the moment I got home to say thank you for having me over and said I enjoyed spending time with her..she replied within the hour and said thanks for coming over and that she enjoyed being with me. 

i just didn't contact her after that as I wanted To give her space and not be too overwhelming..


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Charlie ,have you dated anyone since your divorce? Are you just hanging on to her because of familiarity? This woman did heinous things to you and has an affair child as a memento of her actions. Could you ever truly trust her again? Do you really want to help her raise the seed of her adultery? Anyone else would have left her in the past.


----------



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

After I finalised the divorce I stayed single for about a year and a half..I needed to be in a good place before dating again.

Nothing materialised more than just casual dating and sex.

The ex has for the oast 2 years..messaged on birthdays and Xmas.. but in maybe Feb this year she started messaging asking how I was ? How work was ? To create a conversation..

I ignored these and didn't respond until I finally did in June. And then annoyingly it sent sparks flying..

Crazy !!!


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> After I finalised the divorce I stayed single for about a year and a half..I needed to be in a good place before dating again.
> 
> Nothing materialised more than just casual dating and sex.
> 
> ...


She's without options and trying to work her way back into your life. 
Good stuff.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> I messaged her the moment I got home to say thank you for having me over and said I enjoyed spending time with her..she replied within the hour and said thanks for coming over and that she enjoyed being with me.
> 
> i just didn't contact her after that as I wanted To give her space and not be too overwhelming..


So it's not true that you didn't message her. Plus what was to stop her sending messages to you if she wanted to?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Now go get tested for STDs and I hope you were the party responsible for prevention of pregnancy and were covered.


Hope that your one night with her wion't be used to blame you for her pregnancy by someone else even if you used protection. Not sure how paternity suits go in UK, here all it takes is the female claiming the male is the father, court becomes involved. Hopefully you aren't faced with dealing with that mess. Her nosing around you and then being p*ssed when you didn't contact her is suspicious.

Yes, STD testing of course.

Lesson you have (hopefully) learned is people usually DON'T change, a leopard doesn't change it's spots and a dog returns to its vomit. Engrave that into your brain.


----------



## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Charlie18! said:


> So I decided to reach out and sent this message:
> 
> "I want you to know that for the past 6 days I have not stopped thinking about you !! every minute of every day you're on my mind.
> 
> ...


you have no pride


----------



## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Charlie18! said:


> I’ll be honest with you I was pretty disgusted when you didn’t reply to me and I didn’t hear from you after you stayed the night at my place last Tuesday … (she did as I messaged the morning after and she replied) ..I’m not into playing games and that’s what it is with you, a game to see how I react or respond. It’s given me some time to think about what I want and I don’t have any space in my life for anyone other than my son right now.
> 
> Wow what a response! Amazing how fickle someone can be..feel so angry and upset but its finally the end of a chapter !


You are such a cuckhold. Weak and beta. She played you


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Welsh15 said:


> You are such a cuckhold. Weak and beta. She played you


He's changed his mind on that.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> He's changed his mind on that.


Only after she spanked him... Sad


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Welsh15 said:


> Only after she spanked him... Sad


That's what it takes for some people.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Charlie, 
She just used you for an emotional tampon and dicarded you——again. Classic narcissistic behavior. She uses your interest, your good things you tell her about herself— to make herself feel like she’s valuable. Once that purpose is served…… ask to the discard stack you go.

stop reminiscing about the person she was in the past. She’s not that person now, for sure.
I have to tell myself this as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> He's changed his mind on that.


His mind can tell him anything it wants. He may change his mind 10 times a day but that doesn't matter. 

What matters is what he does. 

Until he comes back here in 10 years and tells us that he walked away without a word on Thanksgiving Day 2021, I am going to assume that he will keep maintaining contact with her and keep chasing here and validating her and serving her as her compliant little errand boy and provider to other men's children while continues to screw other guys. 

What am I basing that assumption on???? Answer = his current actions.


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## lund (Sep 16, 2021)

OK, one important thing that has only been touched upon by other replies: The moment she had a child her competitiveness, for lack of a better term, as a potential long term partner fell worse than the stock market during the Great Depression. Most men simply do not want to raise another man's child, and those who do or are willing to do so generally want to foster/adopt together or use a sperm donor, not take on a stepchild. Whether it's pc or not, fair or not, etc, it's a fact if you look at people's behavior. It doesn't really affect her competitiveness for casual sex (that's all about looks and availability) but it's a massive blow to her ability to marry again or even semi-seriously date (as distinct from one-night stands). On the other hand, your competitiveness wasn't really affected. On top of that, as time passes as she gets older, that hits her competitiveness more than it does yours.

So once her AP didn't want to marry her, cohabit with her (suprise! /s), etc then she didn't have all that many options or, at least, all that many _good _options. Also, you mentioned something about her having a good career or something - but do you have any evidence of it other than her word? She has a history of extensively, repeatedly lying to you about major things yet you believed her. Likewise her saying she hadn't had sex in a long time - unless it was by choice (choosing not to do casual sex), I don't buy it. But you were a lot more "competitive" than most guys who would consider a relationship (as distinct from causal sex) with her. 

Also, you mentioned everyone deserves a second chance - but there are literally millions of women out there that you've not given a first chance to. I get being lonely, etc - I most certainly was after the end of my first serious relationship and there was a time I would've definitely gone back to her so yeah, I get it - but I'm glad after the initial period of shock and disbelief I decided to not look back. It was hard and painful, but it had to be done.

Everything you did then made you look desperate or weak - I think the icing on the cake, at least in terms of looking weak, was your sister getting involved. My advice, FWIW, is to never contact her again and block her from all forms of communication. If you don't like drama, just opt out of it; if you do, it's your funeral.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Lund thank you for your reply..some very valid points made.

I have now blocked her on all methods..

It's tough having someone decieve you like she has..but time to put on my big boy pants 👍


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> Lund thank you for your reply..some very valid points made.
> 
> I have now blocked her on all methods..
> 
> It's tough having someone decieve you like she has..but time to put on my big boy pants 👍


Good for you Charlie! Now, the hard part will be ignoring the urge to talk again. Be strong!

Also, it may be a good time to start dating and looking for someone new.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He shouldn't be having sex without a condom with her. She may just be looking for one more baby daddy to chip in money.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He shouldn't be having sex without a condom with her. She may just be looking for one more baby daddy to chip in money.


yeah, I'm really curious of whether he will be back in a number of weeks saying she is pregnant. She may have played this masterfully.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..

My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!

Anyway i woke up this morning to this message from her 🤣

Do you not see that your sister sending me that message the other day is incredibly immature on all of your parts?
I do not want a relationship with your family, just with you.

Thoughts please ? Does she even know what she wants..wow !


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..
> 
> My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!
> 
> ...


Tell her you and your family are a package. 
She wants you cut off from socializing with your family, so you are dependent upon her.
It's her way of warning you to run 180 degrees away from her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Charlie18! said:


> So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..
> 
> My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!
> 
> ...


Thoughts? Block her.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

How did she message you this morning when you blocked her on all channels 3 days ago?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..
> 
> My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!
> 
> ...


"Thoughts please"...?? You've been getting GREAT advice, but you don't appear to be taking it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Quad73 said:


> How did she message you this morning when you blocked her on all channels 3 days ago?


Indeed! Charlie you gotta move on past this black cloud of a woman. You’ll be rained in every time.
How can you not see what she’s doing with your emotions???!!!!!!!!
She says you’re playing games…. No, she knows damn well she’s toying with your emotions. Block and move on.

you haven’t said why you don’t have a new lady friend…… why not???????


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

The guy said his ex earns a good living and she bought her own place yet there are responses like:



> she wants someone to pay for the love child





post: 20418833 said:


> It sound like she is desperate for a provider,


For my 2p worth on your life, I am with Anastasia 👍

It might have been better to have just asked if she fancied meeting for a coffee of something...but you certainly got your answer☹.

Believe it or not you are young and the future is yours. It is trite to say there are plenty of more fish in the sea but if you get on with you and get some mates or family around you one day you might meet someone really good. Not all women are the same and some have already been with an arse so can appreciate a good guy.

Best of luck. It must be like coming out the dentist's 🤣


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> Thoughts please ? Does she even know what she wants..wow !


My thoughts are that you are still giving her centrality in your life and that you are digging all this mayhem and family drama.

Do you know who digs mayhem and family drama?? Chicks!!!

You’re acting just like a chick wondering if someone likes you and stirring up crap in the family because you dig the drama.

Meanwhile men are turning off their phones, sitting in the deer stand and can’t be bothered with all this Jr High BS and background noise. 

Every time you reply, you are perpetuating all this drama and chaos and you obviously get off on it. 

Enjoy your train wreck life.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Charlie18! said:


> Thoughts please ? Does she even know what she wants..wow !


Since you ask for thoughts I would suggest she knows she can't twist your sister round her little finger and she thinks she can call the shots to isolate you so you are better prey? Of course you can just delete it and put her out your mind anyway if you want to draw a line under it and move on. 

Interesting that she says she wants a relationship with you. That was not clear previously but it takes two to tango.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Listen to your sister she is a female and understands women well.
she is playing you and trying to make you her rug (step on you, others step on you and replace you when she is done)
her contacting you and hooking up with you may be was a message to your family and connections that she can get you and dump you anytime. 

Please stop looking pathetic and block her and dont even respond to her messages.....Im not sure why i feel you just did


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

blackclover3 said:


> Listen to your sister she is a female and understands women well.



“Only women understand women......
.....and they hate each other.”

- Al Bundy


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Handle this yourself. You are a grown man right. Tell your sister no more of that crap. the advice you have gotten here is very good. Read your thread.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

blackclover3 said:


> Listen to your sister she is a female and understands women well.
> she is playing you and trying to make you her rug (step on you, others step on you and replace you when she is done)
> her contacting you and hooking up with you may be was a message to your family and connections that she can get you and dump you anytime.
> 
> Please stop looking pathetic and block her and dont even respond to her messages.....Im not sure why i feel you just did


He mentioned that he doesn't think he has options. If a man can enter one relationship, he has options. 
There is somebody out there for him, if he'd step out. 
He might have to do some work to get fit and cleaned, but he does have options.


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## lund (Sep 16, 2021)

Hadn't you blocked her on all channels? You must sure like drama, as you're keeping in touch with her. She's not wrong in that your sister's involvement shows immaturity in both your parts, but you should block her, not stay in contact with her. 

On the other hand, I'm not sure what the purpose of you asking for advice is - you have a problem, you ask for and get advice, you don't take it, your problem remains unsolved, and you ask for advice again for basically exactly the same problem and get basically the same advice...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Charlie18! said:


> Lund thank you for your reply..some very valid points made.
> 
> I have now blocked her on all methods..
> 
> It's tough having someone decieve you like she has..but time to put on my big boy pants 👍


I think you deceived yourself. When someone deliberately hurts you the capability to do it again is high. This wasn’t a mistake. IMO they don’t deserve a second chance.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Omg. What a soap opera!

Don't answer any of her messages. Why wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it? 

You need to grow up too. How can you forget so easily the pain she put you through? 

You are dreaming if you think she has changed and deserves another chance. 

People are going to keep taking advantage of you if you don't stop fantasizing. Get your head straight and stop being so gullible.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Charlie18! said:


> So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..
> 
> My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!
> 
> ...



i would write back she is wrong, she no longer has a relationship with you either...


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

manowar said:


> Do as i say -- not as I do.... Gotta love it.


I was 30 days from d day, and struggling. Not 3 years and a kid later. I am 60 days out and will tell you she will never be a part of my life again. Packed her shi*, got a date to have the ring turned over. DONE. And don't change my mind for people that have Fkd me over. I never have and I never will


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dude just don’t go there again. There shouldn’t be anything to think about after she made it clear that she never loved you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Charlie18! said:


> So after spending the night with the ex wife I was informed that she was really angry that I hadn't reached out to her and therefore said she didn't have time for anyone else in her life other than her son..
> 
> My sister sent her a message her telling her she is a nasty piece of work and that she should stay out of my life..I was completely unaware !!
> 
> ...


Text her to go DO herself.
Then block her.


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