# Confused About Therapy / Separation



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wife and I started a Trial Sep last week and had therapy yesterday. Wife has been caught lying multiple times and is carrying on an EA. 

Therapist seems to think that we just need to hit the re-set button while separated and stop talking about the "toxic relationship" we've had for the last 6 months. The T pulled out “if you love something, you have to set it free” and said I won't know if I can trust her if I don't give her some space.

My wife seems to have no intentions of cutting ties with her friend. I haven’t asked her how much they’ve been talking or anything, because I’m not sure I would believe her anyway. She also continues say they are "just friends" (why the lies?) and that I'm driving her away (partly true - now learning to detach).

The therapist says that I'll be able to tell if W is making positive changes or continuing the same behaviors.

Does this sound backwards to anyone else? To commit to trusting a person who has repeatedly lied to you and not really shown any remorse or any real signs of change?

It isn't all bad - this will allow me some emotional space and I won't be so worried about where she's going or what she's doing, which leaves more time for me to focus on myself. But it just seems contrary to everything I've read - I thought trust had to be earned?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

nice guy, 
I'm not sure what happens with cheating spouses they don't want to actually admit to their decision to cheat, whether EA or PA. My husband is the same way, just want to put the blame on me somehow, my fault because of the condition of the marriage, the fact that he actually cheated doesn't seem to register with him(PA) I think they would have to admit to what kind of person they actually are.
I would just let her go and if she comes back, you know she will be there not because you pushed her. This is my plan my husband says he wants to see what might become of the new relationship, I said then go, I told him I wouldn't be his 2nd choice in the wings, just in case, not after 22 years of marriage, I figure if this is all the respect I get I don't need it......get on with your life and stop focusing on why she doesn't seem to want to be a part of yours......we are worth more than that.....keep yourself busy, get out meet new women and just enjoy your kid....get back to your confident self, she will think twice if your not available.....be strong


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Jessi's answer is the correct one....you are not 'Option B'.

My wife didn't make up her mind until I hired an attorney. It seems common that cheating spouses will 'string along' their betrayed spouse and continue the affair as long as possible. Only when handed an ultimatum will they decide what to do.

You need to do the same.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not all therapists are created equal. They are like mechanics, or hell, any other service you contract. Some are really, really good. Others suck.

However, your therapist is telling you the right thing ... not the thing you want to hear.

Here is what your therapist actually means:

For as long as you persist in trying to convince your wife that she needs to commit herself to saving the marriage - you will never know if she is committed.

Your letting go is not about advocating her affair. It's about acknowledging that if you love her, and want her to come back, she needs to choose it, not be pushed into it. That won't accomplish anything. By letting her go, and giving her space, you are also demonstrating your commitment. And as I know I have stated previously, this is yet another instruction to focus on yourself.

On the flipside, you do not need to choose to idly wait while she decides who the flavor of the week is. You can choose not to tolerate lies, betrayal, and infidelity. But that also means choosing to end the marriage - which you aren't prepared to do.

She isn't interested in earning your trust. She knows you remain invested in _her_, that's also why she persists with the lies. Surprise! Cheaters lie in therapy too.

Can you tell I've done some time on the couch?

I would recommend setting a solo appointment with the therapist if you want clarity, or seeking a different therapist for individual counseling.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo - thought about that one on one. Funny - subject of money came up - wife said "no concerns" in therapy. Then tells me she's got her heat set waayy too low and doesn't want to pay for internet.

I just wonder if the therapist is seeing through it or not.

Wife 'lingered' tonight at the house when I got home after we agreed in therapy there would be little contact.

No matter what - this **** sucks!

Thanks to all.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

"I need space" means "I want you to leave me alone while I fool around with the other guy."


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