# Wife says she cat commit after EA/PA - seperate or divorce?



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

(cant edit title, should be Can't)

I've been posting in the infidelity forum about my wife's affair. Been married 10 years, she suffered bad depression, EA made her masked her feelings of anxiety, got drunk and slept with OM.

Said she wanted to get back but they started texting each other, got drunk again and slept with him again.

Said she wanted us to recapture what we had and was commited. I saw no signs that she was remorseful or interested in doing anything to rebuild our marriage. Kept pushing for some kind of commitent, said she couldnt and that the spark had gone, I wasnt the right person for her anymore!

Did try to make her realise that the 'in love' feeling mysteriously vanished AFTER she met the OM but she wont accept this and says it was longer.

Its only been a month since she slept with OM and I've asked her to at least work on the marriage to make sure it is beyond repair. Our marriage has always been very good and there apart from me neglecting her by spending too much time on my computer there is nothing else wrong.

This seems purely based on how she feels about me. I'm sick of the lies she has been feeding me and broken promises so part of me just wants to end it. She suggested seperation, I suggested divorce. Someone that can cheat on me and then have the front to pretend she wanted to get back is a deal breaker for me.

I do love her and am in love but she only loves me and has convinced herself that whatever we had is gone.


----------



## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

The marriage builders site has an excellent plan for recovering a marriage after infidelity. Check it out, it has saved many marriages after one of the spouses has cheated. Praying for you and your wife.


----------



## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

If you still love her, maybe a separation would not hurt. She may need time away to reflect on what you had together. You can still move towards divorce if you feel no genuine remorse from her. Best of luck...


----------



## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

If you think there is any chance of the two of you eventually working through things, I would say to go with separation. It won't hurt anything for you both to take a little time apart and examine things at this point, and maybe that will be all it takes to get you on the track towards fixing things. If not, it might help you to be able to move on, knowing that you tried separation and gave things a chance.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not to decide is to decide. She's demonstrated twice to you where you stand. She can't even manage to mumble "sorry". Out on her rear! Out with her gear! Out on her ear! Out of here!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

"This seems based purely on how she feels about me." 

What else should it be based on? Relationships have their legal and practical aspects, but those are secondary to the emotional aspects. People generally get in a relationship because they like/love someone, and the legal/practical part comes into play when they decide they love that person enough to marry them.

If the emotions are gone, there's really nothing left. Without the emotions, everything else that is good will eventually start to go downhill, because the person that doesn't feel it will be missing those emotions. 

She seems to be giving you mixed signals, though. You say she told you she was committed, then said she couldn't commit. But now she wants separation instead of divorce. Sounds to me like she's very confused. 

If she's that confused, it's likely that she doesn't really know exactly how she feels. And if she doesn't know how she feels, a little time apart could clear that up for her, and she might realize that you are, in fact, what she wants. 

I would go with her idea of a separation. I would put a limit on it, not give her an indefinite amount of time. I would maybe give her 6 months to figure herself out. After 6 months, if she doesn't know what she wants, then it's time for divorce. I would also put some other stipulations on the separation, such as going to marriage counseling, or a "good for the goose/gander" clause (example: if she wants to date other people, then you get to date other people, too. Not because you want to date, but because the knowledge that you could, and therefore could find someone else and change your mind about her, could be an eyeopener, too.). 

Good luck!


----------

