# Divorced. 6 months from Dday to Divorce. Should I be over it?



## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

So my divorce was final a few weeks ago. I was doing pretty good but now I am back in the dumps. He cheated on me after 14 years and left for another woman. They are now in a public relationship and he is introducing her to his folks. He makes me feel guilty because I don't want to be friends and generally think he is a complete ass. He wanted to have lunch the other day to try and work on our friendship. I can't even imagine sitting at a table with him and not ripping his head off. He posted pics of his new woman on Facebook less than a week after the divorce and the hits keep coming. Should I be over this? How can this man actually want to be friends after what he did.
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you seen the Soulmate Shmoopies videos? Yes, this can and does happen (meaning, he thinks you can be pals). I hope friends and family know she's been around since before D was filed.

I could never be friends with someone like that. I would go dark and not return any more calls, texts, or emails. If it's something financial, find a trusted intermediary to communicate with him.

Eventually you want to get past the anger, but only because it represents his continued influence over you. Your goal someday is bland indifference where he's concerned; that is your best revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

How can he want to be friends? Simple. He's a guilty bastard.

Don't do it. Delete him from Facebook. There's no reason for you to be "friends" with him on a silly social network.

He's introducing her to his folks? Fine. Do you have any need to be in a relationship with them? They're HIS parents/family.

You are now divorced. That means you do not have to socialize with him in any manner. I know this is tough. I've gotten divorced before and SHE had all the friends we hung out with and my family at the time lived over 600 miles away. I felt alone. Until I realized that there were good people I worked with. Good people who I saw on a daily basis as I went through my life. So, I rebuilt my circle. I rebuilt it with good people and it served me well. I still have some of them as friends on Facebook since I moved home over 15 years ago.

I'm not gonna tell you to "get over it". You need to get through it. See what YOU have in life.

I know some of this might be in your face kind of stuff and I'm sorry if it sounds heartless. I truly intend for it to be helpful.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Him introducing his affair partner to his family as his new girlfriend should tell you all you need to know about him and his character. If his family raises no objections to having the woman that broke up your marriage over at their house for food/drink, then they are just as dysfunctional as he is, and you do not need them in your life.

He is a d-bag, and as others have mentioned, you should do your best to put some literal and figurative distance between you two. Now is a perfect time to start a challenging new hobby or activity. Do something completely out of your comfort zone. Learn to salsa dance, or something like that. Go sky diving. Learn to play poker or chess. 

Hang in there, things will get better, and your life will improve without his dysfunction pulling you down.


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm going through the same kind of thing myself. The big difference is Im not divorced yet. Its a tough pill to swallow. Its time to work on you. If I were you I wouldnt have any contact. I know you still want to see him but its just to harmful for you. I think you would be better served and doing things that make you happy. Or I will have to take you our shopping myself and spoil you


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This really irritates me. No, It makes me furious.

How DARE they ask to be friends after all they have and Continue to put you though. 

If he wants to be friends he needs to fck right out of your life and stay out. You have a chance to rebuild your life, your friends and your loves now. 

He is a miserable cheating a##h0le who is desperately trying to legitimize his pathetic relationship and being "friends with the EX" is part of that. 
Personally I would go with the "rip head off" option.
He is tacitly asking your approval. They all do that


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you could play along with being a friend with him. Even play up to him.. get some photos and then make sure the OW sees them...


Oh my did I say that? :rofl:


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> So my divorce was final a few weeks ago. I was doing pretty good but now I am back in the dumps. He cheated on me after 14 years and left for another woman. They are now in a public relationship and he is introducing her to his folks. He makes me feel guilty because I don't want to be friends and generally think he is a complete ass. He wanted to have lunch the other day to try and work on our friendship. I can't even imagine sitting at a table with him and not ripping his head off. He posted pics of his new woman on Facebook less than a week after the divorce and the hits keep coming. Should I be over this? How can this man actually want to be friends after what he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


6 months?

HELL no, you shouldn't be over it yet.
You may never truly get over it, but it will get easier.

Stop torturing yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable doing lunch, then don't.
Don't open yourself to any situation that hurts yourself
or gets in the way of your path forward.

Don't check his facebook. Don't check for updates in his life.
Work on and worry about yourself first.

The rest of your life begins now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Unsure,

How could you ever be friends with someone like that.

*Friends do not lie to you.

Friends do not cheat on you.*

I know you guys have a kid together. So be a good coparent and that is it.

Text him back "Send me $100.00 in the mail so I can have lunch with a "real" friend!"

I think he will get the message.

I lost a fiancee and my BFF to cheating. I also lost about 4 good friends from both high school and college that knew what was going on.

I walked away from those friendships over 25 years ago. I have never looked back and it was the best thing I ever did.

My high school reunion is coming up in November and I was able to see what these "friends" have been up to in their lives.

And believe me "Karma" is real. I actually feel bad for a few of them.

But your life will go on and be great!

The key is to make it happen.....

HM64


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

iheart I watched the Schmoopies last night and laughed like crazy. It is spot on. Thanks for that laugh.

I actually don't want to see him. I think he's an absolute creep of the highest form. I'm just holding on to some serious anger and that is what I am struggling to let go of. I don't want him in my life on any level. I guess I am just baffled that he actually thinks friendship is possible. And more surprised that he calls me immature when I tell him that it is not.

I had him removed from my FB page shortly after we separated but not blocked. The day after the divorce he started liking and commenting on posts I tagged my daughter in. Then poked me. What are we 5? I blocked him. I don't need to see his ****. Now he has a book out - a new age book - and his friends are posting it all over the place. I really think he is trying to antagonize me. He is having a book signing at a local restaurant. That is where his parents and niece will meet the new g/f. But he hasn't extended an offer to our daughter to go.
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

What is it about this "finding yourself" and getting all into the new age crap??! Don't get me wrong, some of that stuff is fine, but it's just that whole Shirley Mclane mumbo jumbo that people like your ex get into that just gives me the giggles!

He sounds even more like a world class douche, now. You should be sitting back laughing at his silliness instead of being so angry. I know that's easier said than done, but just give yourself like 30 seconds to ponder him with his love beads, signing books and taking himself so seriously.

I'm giggling and I don't even know the fellow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> iheart I watched the Schmoopies last night and laughed like crazy. It is spot on. Thanks for that laugh.
> 
> *****
> 
> I guess I am just baffled that he actually thinks friendship is possible.


I'm glad you enjoyed the videos. The fact that you can laugh (even bitterly) shows you are on your way to healing from all of this. Some people don't like the robotic quality of the voice recognition software that's used for the voices but personally I think it adds just the right touch. Not sure if you read that woman's blog, or followed the story line, it sounds like her husband cheated on her for four years--PA--then stuck with the OW when caught--and still expected them ALL to be friends after all of that. 

The type of person who can cause such sweeping damage, and then believe that they can be your "buddy" is obviously someone who is extremely self-centered. Empathy was probably never their strong suit, and they aren't about to start now.

As I suggested before, see if you can find a family member to serve as an intermediary and cut back the contact to as close to zero as you can. I'm not sure if he's trying to assuage his guilt over hurting the mother of his children, or else just narcissistically thinks you should remain in his orbit, but either way, distancing yourself is your best bet to prevent his continuing damage.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I have minimized all contact with him. The only time I contact him is when he does something else stupid to hurt my child. Will it ever end? Ugh! I guess I am going to have to just find some levity in myself and not react every time he does something to her - and just focus on supporting her.

At this point I actually hope he marries the hussy and they move far - far away.

How long do you think he will continue to blame me for everything? Now every time he hurts my daughter - he blames me. His logic is flawed but obviously in his sick little world it makes perfect sense. Is this still part of his affair fog? He places this woman above everything else in his life - even his own child. Or is he really just that effing selfish.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, fellow unsure person (  ), let me tell you two things.

One; no, you don't have to be over it yet- six months isn't very much time. greieve and heal at YOUR own pace; no one else's.

Two; you are not obligated to be his friend, and the next time he bugs you about it, asuuming you even want to waste the effort to talk to him, say so.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> So my divorce was final a few weeks ago. I was doing pretty good but now I am back in the dumps. He cheated on me after 14 years and left for another woman. They are now in a public relationship and he is introducing her to his folks. He makes me feel guilty because I don't want to be friends and generally think he is a complete ass. He wanted to have lunch the other day to try and work on our friendship. I can't even imagine sitting at a table with him and not ripping his head off. He posted pics of his new woman on Facebook less than a week after the divorce and the hits keep coming. Should I be over this? How can this man actually want to be friends after what he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know who filed you or WH.

I do know that it takes 6 months post dday for the BS tp process learning about the affair and to become calm and rational enough to decide whether to recover or divorce. Then it takes 2 to 5 years to recover. One year to heal after a divorce.

So here you are at 6 months post dday divorced and still unsettled. Well that is was happens when you do knee jerk responses.

Not saying you were wrong to divorce just that you pushed the timeline to fast.

There is nothing wrong to refusing to be friends with your WH. Specially now that you are divorced. Even once you have allowed enough time to pass and you are done with the anger phase towards your XWH you are within your rights to maintain NC with your XWH forever.

I reccomend that you chose to do NC with your XWH forever.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, you shouldn't be "over" it until you are ready to be.

You just went through a hugely traumatic experience. Only a person w/o feelings would be "over it." 

He tries to be you friend and then blames you in order to assuage his guilt. 

1. If he can be your "friend" then he will think you're aren't so upset about his betrayal tat it will make him feel better about what he did

2. If he can blame you, then he will never have to look inward to see that he did actually do you wrong

Both of the above are totally self-serving and specifically done in order to ease his conscience. 

If you don't want to be his friend, don't. Do not go to dinner with him. Do not let him blame you either. 

Cut off all contact with him besides co-parenting issues (if you have children). The sooner you separate your life from his, the better.

Oh and stop checking his Facebook. Block him and her. Kapiche.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

theroad said:


> I don't know who filed you or WH.
> 
> I do know that it takes 6 months post dday for the BS tp process learning about the affair and to become calm and rational enough to decide whether to recover or divorce. Then it takes 2 to 5 years to recover. One year to heal after a divorce.
> 
> ...


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for this information. I am the one that filed for D. I asked him several times in the process if he would like to postpone the D and try counseling. He was very sure that he wanted the D and made sure that I knew he would Never come back to me. I believe he wanted out quickly so he could be publicly in a relationship with the OW which he now is. In less than a month. I am not sure if time would have changed anything. But I do question the speed in which I pushed it through. Every time I questioned it and spoke to him about my hesitation he pushed me to continue by saying he no longer wished to be married. It's been a fast and traumatic experience for me. 1 year ago I thought we were happy. Time will heal all wounds I suppose.
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