# Ever thought your marriage was a mistake?



## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

Soooo this is my story. I married really young at 21, my husband was 25 and he came from a previous relationship . He ran away with his highschool sweetheart at 16, the relationship lasted about 3 yrs and ended with her leaving for someone else leaving him with their 2 yrl old baby boy. He had a rough time getting over it. Anyways we started dating when his son was 6yrs old he told me his story and I fell in love. The boy came to live with us and soon I became the evil stepmother. I know I should have ended it there and I tried but he begged me not to. I wanted to have kids but he didn't. Three years later I got pregnant. When my baby was 1 year old I find out he's been having an affair with my best friend's friend who were my co-workers, everyone in the office knew but me. I decided to stay together for the baby, probably my fear of being by mysef and still wanting to believe he loved me. He swore there hadn't been sex involved and part of me wanted to believe. Two years later I get pregnant again and things seem to be better between us. We start a business of our own and everything is fine until one day I get an anonymous letter telling me that he's having an affair with someone in the office I decide to confront them, they both denied it. I still wanted to believe, at that point our sex life wasn't good. He got into pornography and I thought that was o.k better than him physically cheating. One night we were drinking and talking and finally he confessed he did have sex with that first lady. I was devastated but since it had been so long I decided to not make a big deal about it. He kept doing his porn sometimes I played along. 3 years ago I decided to have sex with someone else, I wouldn't consider it an affair since it was sexual encounters with my massage therapist. I confessed to my husband, he didn't take it well we were about to get separated but it's better now we decided to stay together until the kids grow up. Anyways I apologize for the long story I just wanted to get it off my chest.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

girl oh girl, just wait till turnera gets a hold of you!
:lol:


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

????


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marriedtoo said:


> 3 years ago I decided to have sex with someone else, I wouldn't consider it an affair since it was sexual encounters with my massage therapist.


I realize your H has behaved incredibly badly; however, will you explain how sexual encounters with your massage therapist don't count as an affair?


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

mmmhh! I define an affair as having an adventure outside of marriage where there is more than just sex i.e go places together, have nice converstations etc. 

Maybe I'm wrong


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you are, an affair is an affair, its all cheating. 

sexual encounters are cheating.

does that clarify for you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marriedtoo said:


> mmmhh! I define an affair as having an adventure outside of marriage where there is more than just sex i.e go places together, have nice converstations etc.
> 
> Maybe I'm wrong


Quibble with definitions, but if you are married and having sexual contact with another person other than your spoue you are having an affair. 

Maybe yo ought to ask your spouse if your sexual contacts with a third party is an affair.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

ok. I'm wrong then. You're right michzz he does define it as an affair.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

thats one of several pts i was hinting at w/ my orig post, as seen above.

am surprised Turnera didnt take the bait.....:lol:

guess u got a free pass from her n other gals 'cuz u r a woman, as i know she roams all over this board, as do others.

glad others came to the rescue tho'. ------:smthumbup:


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

hey, m2, let's get a few things straight: number one, an affair constitutes giving something away that should rightfully be given to your husband. whether that's sex, conversation, emotional closeness, time, loyalty, whatever--if it's something you'd have been happier sharing with your husband, and you share it with someone else instead, IT'S AN AFFAIR.
this isn't condemnation, babe, it's revelation. 
you didn't have sex with your massage therapist just because you were starved for sex, did you? not likely. in the context of a happy marriage, you'd have gotten your massage and gone home to your husband feeling a little frisky, end of story.
ok, you've both cheated. that doesn't mean the playing filed is now level, it just tells me that YOUR MARRIAGE SUCKS.
did you love your husband when you married him? did he love you?
look, its admirable to stay together til the kids grow up. that tells me two things: one, both you and H recognize the pros of marriage as an INSTITUTION. but sadly, it also tells me that you're both feeling trapped and resigned to your "fate", and that you're both going to continue cheating in one form or another because you believe you CAN'T be happy with one another. 
best case scenario, since you've both agreed that staying married is the way to go: do you WANT to make a go of it and maybe become an awesome couple? do you want to LOVE each other and satisfy each other, rather than just agree to be stuck with one another?
and why are you separating if the goal is family stability? do you think the kids care whetehr you're separated or just divorced?
holler back, m2. i've got some ideas to pitch you.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

LadyOfTheHouse said:


> you didn't have sex with your massage therapist just because you were starved for sex, did you?


That could be arguable. I don't know if you've ever experienced having sex with a porn addict. I don't wnat to get into details but that's a tough one.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

LadyOfTheHouse said:


> YOUR MARRIAGE SUCKS.
> did you love your husband when you married him? did he love you?
> look, its admirable to stay together til the kids grow up. that tells me two things: one, both you and H recognize the pros of marriage as an INSTITUTION. but sadly, it also tells me that you're both feeling trapped and resigned to your "fate", and that you're both going to continue cheating in one form or another because you believe you CAN'T be happy with one another.
> best case scenario, since you've both agreed that staying married is the way to go: do you WANT to make a go of it and maybe become an awesome couple? do you want to LOVE each other and satisfy each other, rather than just agree to be stuck with one another?
> ...


I know my marriage sucks but it depends on how its' viewed. I wasn't completely in love when I married and I thought he loved me dearly but now I'm not so sure. For one thing I have no plans to ever repeat anything that involves a third party, the whole thing left a lot of negative feelings. It made me feel like a terrible person and I hated it because that's not who I am meant to be. I don't know about him that's his choice to make. Aside from all this I think he's a great person and we get along fine. I know if we hadn't involved marriage and kids we could 've been very good friends.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

An affair is an affair. Even if you just im each other online, and flirt and have sex chat, it is an emotional affair. Your encounters with your massage therapist is an affair. There's not any other word to define it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What are you and your husband doing differently in order to strengthen your marriage? At this point, both of you saying you don't plan to cheat again probably isn't enough when the next opportunity presents itself.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

What you did was have an affair. It may not have lasted long, but it was still an affair. You both have done major wrongs here. 

I don't know that I agree with the idea of staying together until the kids are grown just for their sake, but that's your decision, not mine or anyone else's.

However, if you are going to stay together, why not try to make things better? Get some counseling, find some common interests/hobbies, get to know each other all over again. I mean, if you're gonna live in the same house, raise the kids together, and pretend to be the happy couple, why not try to actually BE the happy couple? 

At least think about it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your husband needs to drop the porn addiction, if not for the sake of your marriage, then at least for his children. You might consider doing some research into the effects of a parent having a porn addiction on their family.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

swedish said:


> What are you and your husband doing differently in order to strengthen your marriage? At this point, both of you saying you don't plan to cheat again probably isn't enough when the next opportunity presents itself.


First of all thanks for your replies, I haven't visited this forum in a while but back to my story...

He didn't commit to no cheating, I did for my own sake not his. What are we doing to strengthen the marriage? well I don't try to control anymore. B4 I used to call him to check what time he was coming home from work, I would call him several times @ work. I used to get upset but all that is gone. I had sort of an epiphany and realized that no matter what I do or say I cannot control anyone but myself. It doesn't matter what kind of questions I ask or how I ask them it is his choice to answer the truth or lie. What is he doing? this is a big one but I think he is trying to stay away from porn. I am guessing because we don't talk about it anymore.


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