# Unsure



## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for the last 3. We first got together when she was already pregnant by another man, but I still wanted a relationship with her. For the first 3 years if was kind of off again on again. I admit in the beginning I had commitment issues and later on in the pregnancy I did get scared I think. Also in those first 3 years we had separated, broke up, etc. at least 4 times for various meaningless reasons(mainly we, or more so I was young and dumb and hormonal.) After we got married alot changed, in my mind for the better. Marriage and the 'vows' you take with it is really the only rule/guild-line/etc. I live my life by. I respect and protect that sanctity. 

We had our ups and downs though after we were married, she has tried to leave me at least twice, one of which I ended up in jail for yanking the keys out of her hand. It always resulted in us spending a few days apart and getting back together. I believe in my heart that even still to this day we both love and are in-love with eachother. The last time we had an issue we went to 'professional' counseling and attended 2 of the 7 sessions he had scheduled us for. But he really only told us a bunch of things we had already known and expected to hear, on top of being overly religious(we both didn't want that kind of help) so we stopped going. We've been through alot together, 2 big moves, barely avoiding homelessness, losing jobs and we now have 3 wonderful kids ages 1, 3 and 5. 

About 3 days ago she had went out to go try and get our kids back on Medicaid. She came home and said "We need to have a serious talk..", at first I figured we had just been denied or something along those lines. She then continues on and says "About a week ago I slept with Will, I got tested and they think I have an STD." 

(Back-story)
Will is a friend of one of her friends. I knew that they had met and were hanging out in the same social group, I had even told her I really wasn't ok with, but In the past she had complained that I was to worrisome/possessive/paranoid/etc, So I really didn't push to hard to prevent her from doing so. She stayed at home for a long while without ever having the opportunity to go out and 'have fun' or 'unwind' so to speak. So I figured, if nothing else, she deserves the freedom and trust associated with it. I bit my lip.
(End Back-story)

I was shocked, hurt, dismayed, angry. All of which you really couldn't tell by looking I guess, I feel I must have appeared like a deer in headlights. My wife has -never- done -anything- like this before, ever. To me, she isn't even remotely like this type of person. I made her recant the 'event' in vivid detail, I don't know why I just needed to know -everything-. She let me know that she had said no at first, but they were both drunk and she blamed it on the alcohol and their 'chemistry'. I was so angry, so very angry. But I kept most of it inside, I have no one to talk to about this other than her because I really don't want anyone we know to know. The first night after finding out I forgave her, I love her. We slept in the same bed, and during the night I woke up and I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to know that we still had chemistry. We started heavy petting, and eventually I used my hand to bring her to climax, I feel it was a bad decision giving the timing, circumstance etc. I accept that it was a bad thing to do at the worst time possible. I just needed to know, I don't know why.. I just don't.. 
Some days later now It feels like everything has 'gone back to normal', but it hasn't. We haven't even got the results of the test(s) yet. I've been asking her alot of "why" questions and the sort and it feels like she is answering them honestly and I believe her. Basically what she liked about him was his small-talk and smiles. I understand why she says this, my smile isn't the greatest(or so I believe, teeth issues) and she thinks I talk down to her when we have conversations. I know why she feels that way, but I don't mean it that way. I have a thing about needing to 'educate' people, not in a mean way or anything, I just love sharing knowledge. She has promised that she'll never talk, see, ask, etc about Will ever again. And I believe her, mostly. I've just always read and heard "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Is that true? I don't want to leave her, I love her, I believe she loves me. We also have our 3 kids, and the marriage itself. I don't think traditional counseling is worth the cost, we can't afford it anyways.

I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act, how to feel. I'm just so confused, and even some days later I can't help but 'picture' the 'event' and get even more angry to the point in which I catch myself balling up my fists and shaking.. I haven't cried, normally I would I think. I -want- to cry about this, I do. I -need- to cry about this, but I can't. Whats wrong with me? Help? Advice?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

yall sound like us in our first 5 years...always mis and distrust, too many people from the outside, to much B/S clouds the fact its the two of you against the world..

you can only learn what you have been thorugh, aand if its maade you a stronger couple, you have learned just dont forget the things you have endured and have overcame..

keep the taking going, keep the arguments on topic, learn and grow, talk about them later keep resentments down..

dont let old habits repeat them selves, if you think its going with that same old feeling, check up on it, maybe sometjhing happened, at work or wiith friends, or even with family...sometimes our clostest friends, spark old resentments, and anger, so be involved, dont check out, watch for signs..

my eastern sigh is the horse, "dont fence me in" is a good wy to describe me, and he hated it at first, he didnt understand, and it caused much dish smashing, we were down to plactic wear and sporks[really], but he reaally got to know me, and started to understand that i wasnt looking to run, til i was pushed, but he watched for the signs.

we dont have to worked out prefectly, but the loud and clearest signs, he can read and we talk about it. so i would say talk dont push hard or it will not have the outcome you want, on pointing fingers, and dont belittle or talk down to her. let her know you are here for the long run, you want to talk when she is ready, no pressure.

hope for the best for you...and i hope i helped, and didnt hinder....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I did the same thing, didnt get angry, had sex that night, all of that. your story sounds very familiar. We are still together, so I believe you did things right. So now is when I showed her the confident man that she married I was not needy, I showed no pity.

I changed right then and there gave her the affection, attention and emotional support, God knows I wanted to just go crazy, but hold it together.

I do this by forcing those dark thought out, I litterally tell my self to stop, then I focus on the good things that she is doing know, the tranperantcy, no secrets, no hiding, home all the time. When the thoughts get really dark I think of the sex with her, and the affection she is giving me, (that I havent recieved in years). What I'm saying is when the bad images enter get rid of them fast by replacing them with positive things your wife is doing now. you will be doing this alot, but as time goes on you'll find your self thinking about it less.
For me, in the beganing, I thought about her cheating 50 to 100 times a day, now 11 months later, around 8 to 10 times aday

This sh*t isn't easy so stay strong and count on her and your self to heal this pain. And it sound like your wife is on board with regard to helping you heal, that helps alot.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

It makes it easier knowing that I'm not completely without peers. The hardest part is having that 'scene' pop or get stuck in my head and then having to deal with all the emotions all over again; over and over again throughout the day. I've never felt so betrayed, worthless and ignorant in all my life. I have virtually no friends where we live now, only been here a year and I'm the stay-at-home-parent. So not only do I virtually have no friends here, I have no one really to relate to; being a stay-at-home-dad is still a rarity, especially around here.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Has she been honest about the whole affair? One time is usually what all waywards say to start with but it tends to increase over time. It also sounds like she only told you because of the STD. How long has she known this guy??


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

She has been completely honest as far as I know, but the only person who ever really knows is the person in which you're seeking honesty from. As far as the (possible)STD goes, she admitted she didn't want to ever tell me about the affair, "I never wanted to have to tell you..", as in she didn't think/want to ever be in the situation. I still question as to whether or not she would have told be had the test came back (possibly)clean. She has known the guy I would say about 2-ish weeks, but has only hung out with him(as part of a group) 3 times. So the 3rd time they ever were in contact, she slept with him. Everytime she ever hung out with said group there was most always alcohol involved(it was usually a karaoke bar). The group consisted of My wife, Will(the guy), Girl2 and Boy2. Girl2 and Boy2 are a couple, Boy2 is Will's best-friend. I know you're probably thinking the same thing I was/am; Double-Date? I know you can cheat before and without sexual/physical contact and I think that's exactly what was going on. Emotional Cheating that lead to Physical Cheating.

I've made a promise to myself to do everything I can, within reason, to make this work. She has agreed with all my 'demands' thus far. I have however 'taken back' one of my demands as she believes its unreasonable, but I understand her point. The 'demand' was that not only do she cut off all contact with Will, but with Girl2 also. She had told me before when I brought up concerns about her going out with her friends(Mainly this Will guy) that "Robin is/will look(ing) out for me, she has my back. She wouldn't let me do anything stupid". But she obviously didn't. I consider Girl2 a bad influence and part of the problem, but as it stands Girl2 is one of two friends my Wife has where we live now(Both of which she works with). However, I later said it was ok for her to hang out/see Girl2 as long as it was done so at -our- home. It may sound stupid, or controlling; but it's so I can supervise. I don't feel I should have to compromise at all, but that is my compromise. 

I honestly believe, and I hope im right in doing so, that she won't do anything like this again. She has never been 'that' type of person. Her whole life she has been, if nothing else, the cheatee not the cheater. I wish I could say more was to blame than alcohol or 'chemistry' but that seems the catalyst to this, I just always thought my wife was a stronger/better person than that.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi drastiq, have you ever crushed into a woman after married? Is it possible to withdraw the passion after crushing into that person who has chemistry with you? If she also showed you she's interested in one night stand without disturbing each other again in the future, will you refuse her? Considering that she's able to make your heart beats faster and your tool gets hard only by talking to her, you have a strong click. Are you able to resist that hot temptation and the mutually attraction?
Sometimes our brain tell us, "hey, don't cheat on your spouse, it's wrong." but the feelings make us feel lost...
So your wife was at that situation. She met Will and fell for him. The attraction was strong until she slept with him and then she found he's actually nothing special. She is regretful now that she followed to her feelings and desires blindly. 
Will it happen again? Who knows? Does she deserve a second chance? In my opinion, yes. After all we're only human. Sex is important in a marriage but marriage is not all about sex that I trust you don't have sex with others. There are still kids, families and many other things that are much more important in life. Why they should be put behind a sex mistake. I value family more than having sex. Marriage without tested by trails and faults, you don't know it's strong or weak. Because now you see the weakness, so you'll make it stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

Thanks for your input MsLonely.

To answer your questions, my wife and I are both flirty but I've never gone so far as too call anything a "Crush" on anyone, I've never gone that far and have never allowed myself. As I said previously, Marriage and the sanctity of which is really the only "rule" I have ever followed or agreed with that society has placed on us. I've had girls 'crush' on me, sure. I'm not exactly ugly, and I kind of fit in the 'dark and mysterious' category, so it comes with the territory. I however, never let it go anywhere and let these ladies know up front and first hand that it would go no where and that I was married. 

I do however understand your opinion, and appreciate it. Sex is important, true. I also agree that Marriage/Family is more important than sex, but not to the point in which sex is gone.(We've never had a problem with sex). 
What I don't understand is why she continued to live out this 'fantasy' of sorts. Why she didn't stop it when she could have done so easily. Her and I have already went through this line of questioning, she couldn't really answer it. But she understands my points in it, and accepts them. So far my Wife has done well to prove her remorse and willingness to improve our relationship. So far, so good.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm glad your wife is helping you heal, and force the "sceneros" out as quick as they come in. She wasn't a virgin when you first met so replace those dark thought with great things your W does for you these days. It may help your healing if your wife can give you some answers. Ask her to think about your question, and that you want to discuss it the following day or later that night. This will give her some time to really do some soul searching. For me I had alot of questions and it took her some time to ansewr all of them. Be warned some questions you may not want the ansewer. These discussion with your wifes cheating will be emotional, so stay clam and dont judge. Don't ask them all at once, remember this subject is hard for both of you. Let her know her ansewers will help you both heal. These things need to be brought out for the marraige to be repaired. If not addressed,. her behavior and yours will happen again.
Get the answers you need except them and move on with your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you allow her to go out with this girlfriend, make sure you either have the right to drop by to reassure yourself, or she tells you exactly where she is so you can verify it.

Go to affaircare.com and get their questionnaires and start working on your marriage.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

drastiq said:


> Thanks for your input MsLonely.
> 
> To answer your questions, my wife and I are both flirty but I've never gone so far as too call anything a "Crush" on anyone, I've never gone that far and have never allowed myself. As I said previously, Marriage and the sanctity of which is really the only "rule" I have ever followed or agreed with that society has placed on us. I've had girls 'crush' on me, sure. I'm not exactly ugly, and I kind of fit in the 'dark and mysterious' category, so it comes with the territory. I however, never let it go anywhere and let these ladies know up front and first hand that it would go no where and that I was married.
> 
> ...


Men listens to their ration when women follow their emotion.
Women are more emotional creatures, when many of us face critical moments we listen to our emotion to make decision often. Emotion makes women lovely at times and ugly at times. It's pretty unuseful to understand and take control on women's emotional world because sometimes women also don't understand themselves. You can't get a certain answer from your wife on her emotion parts. So it's only making yourself more confused if you must get all your WHYs answered by her.
When she's remorsedul, it's good enough because that means she grows stronger to resist temptation.
Btw, men always claim their sexual life has no problems but wives went for PAs. Are you sure you're aware of what your wife's fantasies are? Is she drooling for seeing you naked?
Most couples lost their excitements after being together for many years, sex becomes an old routine. It's very predictable, things get old without surprising each other. Think about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Besides, it's very good of you to take your vows seriously. Now you know your wife had a PA, will you loose yourself a bit? You said you have girls crushing on you but you never give them a dog chance.
How about next time, you met someone very special and beautiful, someone you really like, and there's a strong mutually attraction? Do you have such experience? Is there anyone who successfully refused strong affection, having similar experience here? Tell me how hard it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

I assure you, we've never had "bedroom issues". We aren't exactly your "ordinary couple" when it comes to our exploits. If there ever was a day we got bored or even had a routine it would be a surprise. I'm also sure she feels the same way about it. I do know her fantasies, she the romantic type. In fact, I did my part to help one of those come true last night actually, and it was amazing on many levels, most importantly; an emotional level.

And yes I have refused "strong affection" before, and would do so again. It will happen that way everytime. You appreciate me for taking my vows seriously, some might say I take them -to- seriously. It really is one of the most important things/priorities in my life. Even after all this, I won't ever give in to temptation. I have no need too.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It feel good to see you rebuild your intimacy with her so quickly when some couples would spend time growing up their resentment towards the cheating spouse.
It's very rewarding that you take marriage vows as priorities and able to refuse temptations.
I think your marriage grows even stronger after this test and challenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

Another update..

My wife and I are still working on some things. Mostly I'm trying to work on trusting her. I find myself going through her phone/facebook almost obsessively though. I always have, just out of curiosity really(I have no life, so I might as well see how hers is?) but now I do it out of, well; I guess fear or I'm -trying- to find something. I think it's hurting more than helping, but she still talks to and works with her friend(who I see as a bad influence and would go as far as to say she's an 'enemy'). 

Everytime I ask my wife what time she got home the night before she gets real irritated with me and calls it annoying or retarded. My wife is a pizza driver and she often closes, it usually means she isn't getting home until 2-3am. By that time I've usually been asleep for hours. 

Anyways, the reason I asked today is because I was through her phone and saw that her friend had had 'boyfriend' issues, and I know that my wife is the "Run to your side" kind of friend. Earlier in the conversation my wife had also said that she was most likely getting off early(which she also told me via text, wasn't a secret) so I wanted to make sure she didn't go over to her friends house, that's one of the conditions of her still being friends with this girl(I don't trust this girl).

Needless to say I asked about her night and she got annoyed at me for it, she had just woke up/wasn't awake yet either so I guess I sorta understand, however isn't it my right to know every single detail of every single minute of her day/night? Especially after all that has happened? 

This Tuesday should be interesting. I was informed that the girl will be coming over to hang out with Sarah. I said she could hang out with her as long as it was done so here, hopefully this doesn't kick me in the ass. I openly dislike this person, and openly don't trust this person. The only positive thing I can say/think about this person is that she has a cute baby. She also seems like the passive-aggressive type and I have a feeling she is going to try and coerce a reaction of some type out of me, hopefully I'm just paranoid. 

Tuesday was also supposed to be the day that my wife suggested I go do something for myself or see my mother. Now those plans will must likely get postponed as the whole point of her friend having to hang out here was that I don't want them to be alone together. I don't like her friend, I don't like the influence she tries to place on my wife and I'm sure she doesn't have anything good to say about me. So I consider it "nipping it in the butt." Or is that too far? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Acting this way? Is that 'rule'/'condition'/'compromise' to much to ask?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I explained to my wife that she needs to be forthcoming with her where abouts, so instead of asking she just tells me. At first I had to explain to her that I needed this for me to heal, so I can either ask every night or she can tell me every night. My wife is a bartender and has a drawer, so she gives me the receipt which indicates the time she checked in and checked out her cash drawer. This is a big help for me b/c I can see when she left work and the amount of time it took for her to come home and when she leaves for work.


As time goes on you will feel less of a need to be concerned, the more your W is consistent with the information. So right now tell her that your sorry for this annoyence, but you still need to varify her schedchule/ whereabouts and you are still healling from the hurt she caused. Also this routine is just part of the consequence of her cheating and lying and that you will regain her trust in time. Again just explain to your W that this is something that will help you heal.

As for as her friendship, I two comprimised, for us, my wife is only allowed to text her "friend" and I have all excess to that informations ( they can no longer go out). So I believe you are being fair. But you are still uncomfortable with your wifes friend. I suggest that you tell your W that you need some more time and if she could refrane from her friend for a few months then you both can readdress her friendship, when your comfort level gets a little better. Right now your wife should be concentrated on you and healing you instead of worring about that friends relationship. But its tuff b/c she needs her friends. Can she start hanging around a better freind that you are more comfortable with?


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

the guy said:


> Can she start hanging around a better freind that you are more comfortable with?


She literally has 2 physical friends where we're at(Move here a year ago, haven't really met anyone worth knowing.). The first friend is Girl2, who we have been speaking about in these posts. Don't like her, don't trust her, think shes a bad person. The second lasy we'll call Girl3. She is ok, misguided and irresponsible at best. She also happens to be one of my wife's bosses. I don't have so much an issue with her, but thats not to say I like her as a "friend of the family" or anything. 

What I dislike most about both of these women is that they both told my wife -not- to tell me about the affair. That is why I don't trust them, and see them as a threat and/or 'enemy'. They are both the type of person who my wife became that night. They are the only two people my wife had been hanging out with up to that point. It is true that ultimately it is my wifes wrong doing to own up to, however In my mind and heart I see these two women as the cause, or influence to become that person, to do that deed. 

On the other hand, they are the only two physical friends she has, by physical I mean not online or back in our hometown. If I take away those two people she really has no one else as a 'friend' here, outside of mutual acquaintances and family(all my family, hers all live back in hometown or further away). So basically, I am her only support system or anything. For me, all I need is her as far as emotional/physical support goes. For her, I'm not so sure. I think all women need some sort of social group, a "Hen-House" so to speak. 

I plan on letting her friend come over this Tuesday, and I plan on being civil. That is all. If she wants to create drama or a negative attitude of atmosphere I'm going to first ask my wife to ask her to leave, if that doesn't go over so well then I'll ask her to leave. Right now, I feel, It's my way or the highway.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Go buy a nice voice recorder at a electronic store. Set it up to tape when sound is herd. You will get days out of it recording. Put it were they might be, and leave. You will get some very good info, trust me I love setting these up. These units sell for less then $100 and are digital and very easy to use. You will find out a lot more then you know now. Just a warning, women do not always tell all of it. They love to do (Trickle Truth). It might make things worse for you. It might be more then once, or something like she was not drunk yet ... I say more then 80% of the time, there is a lot more to it. I have family that do this for a living, ( PI ), just a note, you can not share this info with other people, just you.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

Update/Questions:

Well all has been going ok I guess, until about 15 mins ago.
The past week or so my wife and I have been getting along great, spending more time together and talking about the/our problem(s). I thought everything going ok. 

About an hour or so ago she texted me from her work to see if she could go sing Karaoke tonight. I, without pause, said no. I'm not ready to go do the same activities that I feel made the entire thing possible, let alone with the same girl2 friend(She ended up not coming over on Tuesday, don't know why). She doesn't think that it's fair, and that I'm being controlling. She bases most of her argument(s) off of a/the separation(s) we had 5 years ago and how she didn't 'punish' me. I don't think it has weight in the current situation as it was 5 years ago, and we weren't married. I understand that that hurt her, but the approach she is taking is an 'eye for an eye' kind of approach, and it's unacceptable to me.

I told her if was with just about anyone else as opposed to Girl2 it would be more likely to happen, as I don't like or trust Girl2. I suggested that we could find a sitter and her and I could go out to which she replied "I don't like going out with you, I don't like you". She also said "I don't have fun with you".

I explained to her that it's our job to get along and to try and have fun with each-other outside of the house because if we don't neither the marriage or myself will heal properly or quickly. 

I don't know where it's going to go from here, or what might happen. I'm losing faith in my marriage and in marriage as a whole. It's supposed to be work, but what does it matter if only 1/2 of the marriage is working? I don't want to be without Sarah, and I know we both love eachother and we're in love with eachother. It seems though all we do is fight, and that we're not 'friends'.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First, how did that STD thing turn out?

Second, she is just having a fit that you are putting your foot down. 

Do not allow her to "eat her cake". I see now reason why you couldn't go out. You are trying and she is fighting you. Does she or doen't she wont the marriage?

It pisses me off, when they play the "control" card. if she wasn't out sleeping with Will and behaving like a teenager, you would have to play dad.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

Oh, the STD thing turned out all negative. It was most likely just a bad infection. 

Some does she seems like shes wants it, some days she doesnt. Some days she doesnt know, some days shes positive, etc. 

She brought up the "Not my dad" thing. I thought about telling her basically word for word what you said, but I didn't feel like making the argument worse. I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to go out alone, and if so what time she would like to set for herself to be home. I don't know though. She also made it sound like 2 weeks was a lifetime of 'punishment'. I brought up the fact that there are some marriages on here that are a year into 'that phase'.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

drastiq said:


> Oh, the STD thing turned out all negative. It was most likely just a bad infection.
> 
> Some does she seems like shes wants it, some days she doesnt. Some days she doesnt know, some days shes positive, etc.
> 
> She brought up the "Not my dad" thing. I thought about telling her basically word for word what you said, but I didn't feel like making the argument worse. I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to go out alone, and if so what time she would like to set for herself to be home. I don't know though. She also made it sound like 2 weeks was a lifetime of 'punishment'. I brought up the fact that there are some marriages on here that are a year into 'that phase'.


Because of your insecurity you might become over possessive.

Controlling your spouse is like flying a kite: 

When the grip is too tight, the string breaks. 
When the grip is too loose, the kite would fly away & you would lose the kite.

An mature woman has also told me, controlling your spouse is like holding a bird in your hand.

When you hold it too tight, it can't breath.
When you hold it too loose, it flies away.

So you want to strike the balance.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay a couple quick notes. 

On the day that you two married, she voluntarily said she would forsake all others and give 100% of her affection and loyalty to you. Now this does not mean she has to do things your way, or that she can't disagree with you--but it does mean that in exchange for being Mrs. Drastiq she agreed to always consider you in all her decisions. She's not *single* anymore. 

So if you really do not agree with her going out to karaoke, I would suggest that you stick with it and use a W-T-F-S statement. That stands for "When you... I Think...I Feel... So I'm going to request...." 

"WHEN YOU ask if you can go out with the person who encouraged you to have a ONS just 2 weeks after telling me about it...
I THINK you must be kidding because I am nowhere near ready to move to that step...
I FEEL triggery, abandoned, scared you'll do it again, insecure and freaked out...
SO I'D LIKE TO REQUEST that we work together and pick something we both like to do, so that you have fun (and I do too) but I also feel a little secure and like I am safe trusting you."

When you make the W-T-F-S statement you identify the behavior or action that's hurting you, you tell her what you think in case she's a thinker personality, you are sharing how you feel in case she's a feeler, and you are making a suggestion about something that would work for you. You want to make sure your request is "lets work on this together" so you and her are a TEAM.

From there you two can negotiate back and forth until you hit something that she likes... and something that works for you.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Okay a couple quick notes.
> 
> On the day that you two married, she voluntarily said she would forsake all others and give 100% of her affection and loyalty to you. Now this does not mean she has to do things your way, or that she can't disagree with you--but it does mean that in exchange for being Mrs. Drastiq she agreed to always consider you in all her decisions. She's not *single* anymore.
> 
> ...


Excellent!!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hang on...

She cheated on you about 17 days ago, told you to your face, and is currently giving you a hard time about being upset about her going out alone and partying??!!??

She holds you in utter contempt. Your feelings are irrelevant to her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You must hold on to our boundries, Don't give in, it will make it to easy for her to slip back into some bad behaviors. Let her know this. dont let her out, she should be surronding you with attension, WTF?

These are consequenses she brought on her self, and these are your boundries that you expect. Reminder that if she feels that going along with your wishes is punishment and she can't help you heal then the both of you need to reconsider the marriage.

If you broke your bones would she stay around and help you heal. Think about it you have a broken heart, along with her causing it, at the very least she takes what ever time is needed to help you.

If she can't see this point of thinking she is still thinking "me" and not "we"

In the same breath, you have to encurage and aknoldge her efferts, especialy on her negitive days. Its a balancing act, you want to beat it in hear how hurt you are and at the same time you want her be happy that your marriage is changing for the better.

I quess I'm saying be strong with your marriage boundries and reward her with your love not your control. Hell does that even make sense?

Remember dont let her slip back into her bad behaviors, and if she cant except that, then let the real punishment begin with a big D.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dude, she is M.A.R.R.I.E.D. That means that she is not single.

Follow affaircare's advice. Hold to your guns. Make it clear that you will not stay married to someone who doesn't want to ACT married.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Okay a couple quick notes.
> 
> On the day that you two married, she voluntarily said she would forsake all others and give 100% of her affection and loyalty to you. Now this does not mean she has to do things your way, or that she can't disagree with you--but it does mean that in exchange for being Mrs. Drastiq she agreed to always consider you in all her decisions. She's not *single* anymore.
> 
> ...


I did all of that before reading this, and we came to a compromise. I would like to just say that you, as a person, are awesome. People like you, and like most here make me happy. I know it doesn't mean alot coming from some words and a pseudonym, but Thank you. Thank all of you for all of your help, advice and support.


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