# What' really going on...?



## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

Alright this is going to be a long one so please bear with me...First:
ok i am 23 and my husband is 28. and we have been married 3 years.We have been together 6 years married for 3. we have not always had the best relationship but last year it seemed to be the best ever until...6 months ago...
in particular he is becoming distant and we don't do intimate things anymore.
now also this year he has been hanging around single friend that are on the hunt and he has begun the
"i think i got married too soon" ' i saw an attractive girl and i wanted to talk to her" crap. and yesterday he kinda put out there me and him are like friends. 
i let him watch all the sports he wants( i watch with him) i let him do what ever he wants i don't complain.
also he said there is no romance but i don't need it he is the one that does.
he said before he did not want a divorce.we do not have kids.
we have not been Intimate for awhile now and the last time we did he said "ah~shouldn't have done that now i am going to be tired" i was like ....????(are you serious?)
also he cant have kids because of radiation therapy. just some info.
and he has been trying to start a Business also (stress)so whats his deal does he really just love me like a friend now? he said he would not get counseling.
i am an above average person i am not overweight. he said i don't dress up anymore but at the same time he does or take us out anymore. i go to work now i clean and i cook in the morning.
if you need more info please ask because i am stressed out and in pain.
he said we don't do husband and wife things?( if he means sex he is the one who does not want it) he eats terrible but is not overweight.( i was thinking maybe he is developing diabetes) but that would not explain him loving me like a friend.....
also i might have hurt his feeling about intimacy because i told min after like a year of barely doing it and when we do it its like he doesn't even try.soooo~~~ tell me what's going on...or what i can or should do... i mean if he is bored like i am sure every one gets time to time i understand but i would like to do something about it but he is unwilling. also i know there are ALWAYS going to be attractive women he will see and honestly there will be some more attractive than me i don't mind him looking but getting the urge to " hook up with her" that's out of order...
THEN this happened:
He said i was lifeless and had no goals, and if i did dress up he MIGHT have bet somewhat attracted to me again.
NOW one week later:
my husband says his life should be beautiful ,and it is not, he just feels like he is waiting for the end of the world.
but his ....being unaccomplished is affecting our marriage. He also said he is not attracted to me anymore. Because i don't dress up anymore. But i asked him if i started to would he be attracted to me again and he said "i don't know." WHAT?! But anyway he seems to be bothered by his situation he complains that he hates living where we are now, hates his job, life is boring etc etc. But yeah he is not even trying in anything... not our marriage not his goals nothing and when he does try to accomplish something he is unorganized it's getting bad really fast. i don' think he even loves me anymore. he won't say i love you or even spend time with me. Is he depressed because of this? He complaints everyday about being successful .
SO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?
All of his answers are i don't know or silence.
Should i just try to emotionally detach myself from him or what?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why couldn't you just dress up without asking for a guarantee?

The single friend is a problem. And there might be another woman.

Why did he say you don't go out anymore? Do you initiate anything? Is there any truth in what he says and if there is are you willing to correct it for yourself as much as for him?

Do you have outside activities apart from him? Do you work, if not, why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Why couldn't you just dress up without asking for a guarantee?
> 
> The single friend is a problem. And there might be another woman.
> 
> ...


It's true I don't dress up anymore.I have tried but it was not good enough.He expects me to be dressed up in a dress and heels around the house.And I work i recently got a job like 2 weeks ago. And no I don't really have any hobbies. And the ones i had he thought were boring. I know i should not care what he thinks to a certain degree but...i don't know...Really i have changes myself so much since our relationship to be a better Girlfriend/Wife and now it's like it does not even matter.
What do you think?am i being too clingy? Should i just let what ever happen,happen? Also thank you for reading and responding my long post


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Your husband certainly sounds depressed but I don't think it's because of anything he complains about. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain somethimes caused by circumstances but sometimes not. His lack of enthusiasm sounds like symtoms not causes. Is there a reason why you don't "dress up" anymore?


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

I don't know anyone who wears a dress and heels around the house. Tell him June Cleaver is dead. But, I work in retail and the condition some women let themselves get to is appalling. The problem seems to be his and you can't fix it. The boy need help.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I do think you should live for yourself a bit more. He probably sees you as a given, and not a challenge. Do your own thing and to hell with him to a certain extent.

So you don't dress up in heels at home much. Do it sometimes. And, knock him out with some sexy lingerie at night. Remind him that you are a woman that craves her man. Be sexy.

Remember, the women he sees out with his single friend (who needs ti go, BTW) are looking for a man. Of course they are looking their best. But you have to remember that it is very important to a man to have a woman that takes pride in her appearance. While you shoukdbt have to compete with other women, you have ti be realistic about men and your situation.

Do those things first. If that doesn't work, ask for marriage counselling. But I wouldn't go there first because the wrong therapist could do irreparable damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

grizabella said:


> Your husband certainly sounds depressed but I don't think it's because of anything he complains about. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain somethimes caused by circumstances but sometimes not. His lack of enthusiasm sounds like symtoms not causes. Is there a reason why you don't "dress up" anymore?


Well I stopped dressing up because of an incident that involved him watching porn that had women with not just big breasts but massive ones. I asked him about it and he said all men are attracted to women with big breasts and told me when i am around 40 i should get implants...  
I figured he was not attracted to me and stopped dressing up and never really started to again i guess. I guess i figured he did not appreciate it so why am i spending so much effort if he is looking else where. there may be more to it but i might have to think about it.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He is one big jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Your husband sounds unhappy and depressed. He should seek some source of counseling. He needs to discover his own happiness, you cannot do that for him.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

I hate to get all psychological on you (because I'm not in the profession) but It sounds to me like he has some Mommy issues. That is a slippery slope for you because you can never be the "ideal Mommy" for him. He is stuck in a very infantile mindset. If you are not comfortable with something about yourself, change it. Otherwise, go about your life and enjoy yourself because you're not going to get a lot from him and he'll probably get worse.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Your husband sounds unhappy and depressed. He should seek some source of counseling. He needs to discover his own happiness, you cannot do that for him.


That's what i was thinking but he keeps blaming it on everything else. I did all i could do but now i am seeing that; like you said I cannot find his happiness for him. I am just confused as to what to do because he won't go to counseling (he refuses to see there is a problem).So i still love him but it the situation is becoming too stressful especially when i am the only one who is trying to fix anything . I thought he was going through a midlife crisis but he is not old enough for that right?


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

grizabella said:


> I hate to get all psychological on you (because I'm not in the profession) but It sounds to me like he has some Mommy issues. That is a slippery slope for you because you can never be the "ideal Mommy" for him. He is stuck in a very infantile mindset. If you are not comfortable with something about yourself, change it. Otherwise, go about your life and enjoy yourself because you're not going to get a lot from him and he'll probably get worse.


Yeah because i decided that i did not want that.(implants) Now i gotta figure how to slowly break myself outta this. :scratchhead:


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ask him to get a **** implant because all women like big ****s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

You have to ask yourself is he unhappy because of something you do or is he unhappy because of something you are. A behavior you can change or amend to keep peace if nothing else, but you are who you are and it's up to him to appreciate you or not. Then he reaps the consequences. And please, never change your body for anyone else no matter what. I can't imagine carrying around a pair of huge t!ts just to please some man.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

The problem doesn't sound like it's you. It sounds like it is your husband.

He is depressed, and no matter what you do/dont do he isn't going to be happy until he finds happiness within himself. He is going to make you constantly jump through hoops to please him, and that is not a way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I agree with DG. Your husband is wildly depressed and dumping it on your doorstep. It's easier to blame you for being unhappy.

I disagree with the friend having to go. Your husband needs to control himself around single people and women. If he can't be trusted, it doesn't matter who his friends are.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

People should avoid situations where there is danger. If I am attracted to someone else, I should not be around them to control the situation. Here, he is attracted to other women and the single life. He should avoid it and avoiding his so called friend goes hand in hand. The single friend is no friend of the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

For the record not all men like big breasts. I actualy prefer smaller ones anything over a mouthful/handful is a waste


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I love guys that love breasts of all shapes and sizes but that old saying needs to be replaced. We should have a contest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

guess your right there clip I will look at any pair at least once... /hijack


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I have dealt with depression for years, even though I was in denial for a good portion of it.
I thought if I just lost weight I'd be happy...so when I lost all the weight guess what? I still wasn't happy.
I turned to my H and then thought if he would only do xyz then I would be happy. When he did xyz then I wanted him to do abc...it wasn't good enough. See where I am going with this?

I'm not suggesting that all the problems in the marriage are him, because it really does take 2, but what I am saying is dealing with someone who is not only depressed but isn't willing to acknowledge. The depression isn't easy.
It isn't fair for you to go on continually thinking that you need to constantly keep changing to keep him happy.

As for this single friend, he should have enough respect for your marriage to not encourage your husband to act single. Ultimately, your husband is a grown adult an any decision that he makes is on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

It sounds like your husband is depressed, like everyone else is saying. Mine has had a lot of the same symptoms/indicators, and I'm sorry you're going through this. You can't force him to see this, though, and you can't fix it for him. I know it's hard, but try to focus on yourself a little more. Let him know you're there for him and want to work things out, but he needs to meet you halfway, you can't fix a marriage on your own. 

I agree with DG that grown men (and women) are responsible for their own decisions. The single friends might be a bad influence, but your husband has the choice to not listen to/hang out with him or to choose to avoid temptations.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

Ok everyone today he dropped another bomb saying:
He missed out on "experiences." from getting married to early ( i was his first girlfriend )
He is jealous of his single friend.(because he went to japan and got to ***** around.
And sometimes he regrets everything about getting married.
He knows it's wrong he says but that's how he feels along with him not accomplishing things in life.
He admitted today that we needs counseling but he already knows what is the right thing and he know that he is wrong in wanting to ***** around. but he does not want anyone telling him the right thing to do because he already knows.
I hope this made sense....to you guys. 
So pretty much he knows he is in the wrong but he does not want to be told. 
And i know yeah we got married early and there probably was more time needed to mature but hey!! i was 19 when we got married and i am not talking about how marrying him ruined my chances of "freely traveling and meeting new people" as he put it.(punch in the stomach)
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR LISTENING TO MY PROBLEMS.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

Update::
he said he know he is acting stupid like a man...(he said this) but he feels alone and don't know if this was the way his life was supposed to be....
he said that he feels alone... like me and him shares the same goals like he feels unaccomplished and he was looking for people that could help him with his interest in his music career
but really does that mean just because you and your wife don't share the same goals that" you want to be free."?
he also said he does know know where our marriage is going because at this time he is not wanting kids in his current unaccomplished situation...
i think you guys are right....i think he may be going through depression but is he also just trying to find a way out?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

it really sounds like he just wants out. I am really sorry.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Sounds like rubbish. He wasn't looking for people to help his career. Call him on the bs. His behavior speaks of selfishness and now he is making excuses so he appears the victim so you won't be so upset with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

This sounds like so much of the same stuff my H is saying, and what it seems like to me is that he wants out but he wants you to do the leaving. Otherwise he would have left already. So not only does he want out, but he wants to be absolved of the blame and have it be your choice to end it. Again, just my opinion - your situation just sounds so close to mine in so many ways.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

So the only option is divorce huh?
I mean...if he does not want to stay.
I wish i did not still have feelings for him. It would make it easier to leave. Why would he be like this after he was the one who proposed to me? I guess it does not matter...


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> Ok everyone today he dropped another bomb saying:
> He missed out on "experiences." from getting married to early ( i was his first girlfriend )
> He is jealous of his single friend.(because he went to japan and got to ***** around.
> And sometimes he regrets everything about getting married.
> ...


:iagree:
My H is also saying almost the exact same things - of me being his first intimate relationship, of him being jealous with his single friends, he regrets getting married because he feels that he always need to care for me, he said I am a big hindrance to his career, the list goes on and on... He even comes close to saying I ruined his entire life.. 

It hurts me but all I know is one person saying all of those things at once is not thinking rationally.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

the ex, I was her first real relationship, she was too young, had the fairy tale dream in her eyes, 20 years later, kaput. ok, long term (undiagnosed) depression on my part didn't help, but she hears the stories from her mum, her school mum 'friends' and is somewhat bitter that she 'missed' out, we ave been separated for almost 6 months now,I have no doubts that we will never get back together.

Chancellor Biscuit, for you, no, the D is not the only option, time apart may be just what is needed for you two.


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