# Empty Wife



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Swedish I am experiencing the same thing(emptiness) with my wife feeling and having in her words nothing left to give and wants a divorce. This was caused over a period of years(7) of us not keeping our marriage alive and me not listening to her needs and us as a couple not communicating. 
Can you tell me more about the empty feeling....I still love her very much just didn't take care of her enough and show her that. Thanks.


----------



## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Does your wife work? Does she have the presure to support the family?


----------



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Yes, she works from home and we have 2 young boys. I work away from home. Recently I have stepped up my efforts to help more with my boys and the house which have been very helpful. The problem is my wife has "checked out" of our marriage citing its too little to late. She no longer has the will or desire to try to work on our marriage. She is essentially cut off from me emotionally.


----------



## putwhittynamehere (Dec 7, 2010)

I would love to hear the advice given on this one. I could have written this post and it would have applied to my situation perfectly.

It really seems like no matter what I try to do to show her how much I love her and value our marriage and family, it falls on deaf ears, making me feel pretty useless. I am walking on eggshells. No matter what I say or do, I expect the worst to be assumed. 

Sucks.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It probably took her a long time to get to this point where she is feeling 'done' and talking divorce, so it will not be easy to change her thinking at this point without a lot of patience on your part. 

Do you ever go on 'dates' or do family things together with the kids? Sometimes just a day together (if it's a fun day) can make her question whether splitting up the family is really what she wants. Being overbearing and wanting to discuss the issues may push her further away at this point but I do think letting her know that breaking up the family is a huge issue for you and request that she give you 3-6 months before doing anything drastic.

If she is very resistant to this, consider whether it's possible that she has interest in another man.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

swedish said:


> If she is very resistant to this, consider whether it's possible that she has interest in another man.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Can I recommend this link:?

Why Marriages Fail - How You Can Have a Better Marriage


----------



## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

I am learning too. Having the determination to work it out is a good starting.


----------



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Swedish, She is very resistant to just about anything at this point. Going out is something that she agree to do once last week and that was like pulling teeth. While we were there we spoke about seperation plans. It was gut wrenching for me but, I know how we got here. Ironically in our discussion we found that economics of divorce would be tough and agreed that a minimum 12 mos would be need to realistically make it happen. She also said and I qoute "If anything changes between then and now she will let me know". She is talking about her feelings. We both have never slept with anyone else. We have seen a counselor but it was in her words too late. You mentioned something about "empty" as a defense mechanism. Well thats the barrier that I'm facing daily.


----------



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

One thing: men think that women make snappy decisions etc. what i have found is that women think though their decisions for a long time before they are even true issues in the relationship. They contemplate on the what if's and how to's etc. they know what they want from their SO but they don't communicate it all the time because they feel that you should know me well enough to know what i want/need etc. No one is a mind ready...it takes communication-however, when all communication stops, it is horribly saddening.

I would suggest, talking to her...listen to what she is saying/hear her. Understand that most of the time, women are talking about "you didn't do the dishes" when really they want you to hear "I need your help"...it is going to take time and training but you both need to learn to hear each other again. So let her know (maybe write her a letter) that this is where you feel you fell short, that you now recognize it and that you want to work on your relationship. Let her know that you want to discuss with her what you need to do to show her that you are serious and the two of you come up with a plan to overcome the obstacles. (establish date night, make her a picnic lunch, take the boys out for a father/son day and let her have the house to herself, etc.) you have to go back to basics. Remind her what you love about her and what it was that she loved about you.

**Many times the things that attract you to people are the same things that you learn to dislike later....but as long as you understand and you see the growth, you can figure out how to work it out.

You do need to prepare yourself for things you may not want to hear though. If she was feeling unheard etc. and now is on the last straw, there may be someone else...there may be someone that listened to her upset and comforted her; when you did not...someone that told her she was right and that they understood and could show her comfort.

GOOD LUCK!!!


----------



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Swedish how did you remove the "Empty" Barrier. Without that I don't stand a chance.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

christmaslady said:


> I would suggest, talking to her...listen to what she is saying/hear her. *Understand that most of the time, women are talking about "you didn't do the dishes" when really they want you to hear "I need your help*"...


yeah, and other times they want you to hear "you didn't do the dishes"

Say what you mean, might make things a bit easier for us guys


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Greentea said:


> Can I recommend this link:?
> 
> Why Marriages Fail - How You Can Have a Better Marriage


you can recommend all you like, to me it was religious claptrap.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

woodphi said:


> Swedish how did you remove the "Empty" Barrier. Without that I don't stand a chance.


I wish I could give you a good answer to that. When I hit that point, it was with my ex-h...our marriage didn't make it. I can tell you at that point I felt unloved & unappreciated and any efforts on his part seemed self-serving...tell me what I have to do to fix this so we can carry on...I did not see any real effort on his part to change & honestly the quick fixes he tried seemed very temporary to me ... I had no confidence that he would continue these things had we stay married.

What would have helped the situation is an acknowledgment that our marriage was not working and sincere effort to change how we related as a couple (which felt much more like a mother/son) and I was just too tired and done at that point to be the one to even try.

I believe what happens to many people that are in this place in their marriage is that one spouse is not getting what they need from the marriage, physically, emotionally and resentment begins to build over the years. I think much of it has to do with one spouse feeling if he/she really loved me, he/she would do this because he/she should know it's important to me...whether it's more sex, helping with the kids, going out as a couple, spending free time together alone and/or as a family, looking at them with loving eyes, etc. 

And while I agree that it's important to communicate when you are unhappy or feeling something is missing, I also believe that it's important for both husband and wife to show their love for one another and not get so caught up in work, kids, hobbies, chores that there is no time or energy left for each other. I still slip in and out of this mode from time to time.

I was glad to see that she agreed to a 1 year plan before taking any action. I would still recommend reading the 5 love languages (promise I get no kickbacks for recommending it!) and try to stay positive...if you are confident, happy around her she may wonder what is up ... if you are upset and needy it will probably only reinforce her decision that she needs to move on. Along with confident and happy...update clothes, hair etc....showing some independence will also probably make her think about what this really means...it won't just be her moving on but you too.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

swedish said:


> I wish I could give you a good answer to that. When I hit that point, it was with my ex-h...our marriage didn't make it. I can tell you at that point I felt unloved & unappreciated and any efforts on his part seemed self-serving...tell me what I have to do to fix this so we can carry on...I did not see any real effort on his part to change & honestly the quick fixes he tried seemed very temporary to me ... I had no confidence that he would continue these things had we stay married.


This is a good answer, IMO. I was at the same point with my husband. I was no longer invested in the relationship at all. His words meant nothing to me. I was at peace with leaving and no longer had any feelings toward him, positive or negative. I planned to simply live with him until the end of the school year (two kids in school) and move away.

He started to genuinely work on things. He didn't spoil me or do things that I knew he couldn't continue doing. He started listening, helped on occasion without me asking, and showed me that he thought of me even when I wasn't there. It became hard for me NOT to become invested. 

It takes action and you can't expect immediate results. She's going to think it's BS for a while. It took me months to even consider that my husbands new behavior may be permanent. 
She's given it a year and you CAN make things better in a year.


----------



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Thanks WhereAmI.


----------



## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> you can recommend all you like, to me it was religious claptrap.


:iagree:


----------



## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

When a woman is ready to go, there is very little you can do.

Women often take YEARS to get fed up. 

It's unfair, but it is what it is.


----------



## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> This is a good answer, IMO. I was at the same point with my husband. I was no longer invested in the relationship at all. His words meant nothing to me. I was at peace with leaving and no longer had any feelings toward him, positive or negative. I planned to simply live with him until the end of the school year (two kids in school) and move away.
> 
> He started to genuinely work on things. He didn't spoil me or do things that I knew he couldn't continue doing. He started listening, helped on occasion without me asking, and showed me that he thought of me even when I wasn't there. It became hard for me NOT to become invested.
> 
> ...


I wish I could meet your husband:smthumbup:


----------

