# Good people/Bad situation



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Why do good people tend to fall into and go through bad situations; even when they know it is detrimental?

Worse relationship I have ever had and I just can't seem to let go. There is no reason I am hanging on; other than I got myself too emotionally wrapped into it.

Good person, self-esteem is fine, easily make friends, etc. but will not let anyone else close and just keep hoping/wishing that I could make things work with my ex...which again is the worse relationship I have ever been in (a lot of emotional abuse, disrespect, lies, deceit, using me etc).


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You can't say your self esteem is fine if you want to remain in or go back to an abusive relationship. Self esteem is your little angel of common sense that tells you not to want to be treated badly and disrespectfully. Self esteem is stronger than the emotions that otherwise dominate. Self esteem lets you know you deserve better no matter how badly you want it, therefore you DON'T want it.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

How is your love for yourself? When you love yourself, and accept yourself, you will realize you deserve so much better.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

River1977 said:


> You can't say your self esteem is fine if you want to remain in or go back to an abusive relationship. Self esteem is your little angel of common sense that tells you not to want to be treated badly and disrespectfully. Self esteem is stronger than the emotions that otherwise dominate. Self esteem lets you know you deserve better no matter how badly you want it, therefore you DON'T want it.


YOU STOLE MY POST!!!

Basically you pretty much nailed it. I've seen some of the most beautiful women, have some of the lowest self esteem and allow themselves to be a doormat to some loser. Right when there are guys right on the wayside with interest in them, but they won't give them the time of day because those guys don't have an "edge" to them.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Just because it was detrimental doesn't necessarily mean on some level you didn't enjoy your role in the relationship, for whatever reason.





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"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -Van Horne


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chefmaster said:


> Just because it was detrimental doesn't necessarily mean on some level you didn't enjoy your role in the relationship, for whatever reason.


:iagree:

very well said.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

christmaslady said:


> Good person, self-esteem is fine, easily make friends, etc. but will not let anyone else close and just keep hoping/wishing that I could make things work with my ex...which again is the worse relationship I have ever been in (a lot of emotional abuse, disrespect, lies, deceit, using me etc).


You were heavily attracted to this man for whatever reason. So many women do this, they LOVE and lust after these unattainable men many times. I have a friend, she sounds exactly like YOU - in fact she is pining over her X too !! 

She made the worst mistake of her life marying a guy who has the same traits you mention, she is beautiful, great job, she had 2 kids with this man , the red flags were there before she married him even -he was diovorced & cheated on 1st wife. Here he up and cheats on her too eventually , they divored, he married again, now back in her life after that divorce, and her life is a literally ROLLER COASTER of ups & down, he sees her when HE WANTS and USES her WHEN HE WANTS. 

She can NOT get this man out of her system. Yes, he is good looking and good in bed. But aside from these 2 things (plus having 2 kids together), I just want to shake her. I simply do not know how to help her. She even got something on tape called "Toxic Men" Amazon.com: Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable (9781440500077): Glass Lillian: Books: Reviews, Prices & more and claims HE IS ALL Of this! But still loves the man!!! 

I do not understand such women. And she even admits if a guy is NICE to her, she doesn't like it, it annoys her. 

I was never tempted by these kinds of men. What is the allure you are chasing ? What ARE you missing ?? The same as my friend. I would almost like to understand your psyche so I can help her.


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

chefmaster said:


> Just because it was detrimental doesn't necessarily mean on some level you didn't enjoy your role in the relationship, for whatever reason.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agree, as well, as your getting something out of it. Are you just using the person until something better comes along? Keeping them in the wings so to speak? look in the mirror. There's your answer. Get honest. If your just stringing this person along, are they more into you than you are them? so they are very giving and your just taking so why not? Karma is a really kicker. Honesty will set you free.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I am very intune with what is going on and I admit that I would be the first to tell my friend to leave and walk away; if I were being told the story. Every day I look and don't understand how I allow(ed) this to happen for so long...this is not me. 

HOWEVER, the psyche and why I feel I am in it is because; as a woman (especially with no children), I have a strong need to be needed (which is why I allowed him to use me) and because I am a giver (and too strong to take from anyone what I can do/get for myself) and I genuinely love people that I do love, I always feel a need to help. 

In a way, I guess I want him to change; but I know that I can not change anyone other than ME. I stay because I want to help him with his life and I want to see him shine, like I know he can/will. I have been there through it all, so why should I not be able to see the fruits of my labor (mentality). I put him on a pedastal for so very long and to see the mountain crumble beneath him and not be able to support him enough before he falls, it is almost like a personal disappointment for me (a manager/team performance is a reflection of his/her staff).

Because I have feelings and basically take pity and wish better for someone does not make my self-esteem low. I allowed it, because I know his heart; which is not how he acts (hard exterior, teddy bear heart). and yes, I understand the message "I allowed it"...to me, low-esteem would be inviting it and allowing it because you don't feel you deserve better etc. I allowed it because I knew he deserved better, he is better than what he has become; as if I am trying to fix his self-esteem....huh-just realized that....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I would re-read your last post. Sounds to me as though you're wanting to ascribe attributes that your ex just might not be capable of attaining. And how he "acts" IS part of his heart. He might have been one thing at a point in time, and is something different now. You can't always go back. You can't always elicit change. Sounds to me like you want to "fix" him so you can get the warm fuzzies for your role in any change he might make. 
God love ya...I'm not up for fixing ANYONE anymore. If someone needs "fixing" in the relationship, then I need to take a hard look in the mirror and see if it's me. Chances are, it is. If I feel the need to fix someone else, then I feel there is something amiss within myself. After giving 8 years of my life trying to "fix" my ex, I realized *I* was the one with the real problem. I had feelings for him. I pitied him at times. Sometimes I even had the "poor me" pity party. I wished better for him. More importantly...I developed feelings for MYSELF...and I definitely wanted better for MYSELF and my children. And I quit with the personal pity party, and got down to business. 
I have to ask though...what will happen if/when he DOES make those changes? What will happen if he does "shine"? Just askin'...


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I already know that I will not take him back...I really just want to see him shine. I want so know that the years we spent together had some affect and positivity in his life. If he does shine, I will pay myself on the back and keep it moving.

Miss him, love him, I do and I always will, but I am not looking for us to get back together, nor am I am looking for him to say, I was right or anything, I just want him to see that he is a better man and can be better....

I will learn to let that go; that need to know etc. but its all a process.


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