# What's worse...snooping and confronting or lying and sneaking?



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I've been with my gf for 7months. Her I and her 4 yo daughter moved into a place together a month ago and it's been going pretty good. I however am very uncomfortable with the relationship she has with her daughters father whom she was on/off with up until last year .shes always told me she doesn't care about him anymore and always tells me how much I mean to her. She says she is in love with me and wants to have children with me someday which is something I want very much. I have a lot of emotions invested in her and her daughter but I just don't like the way she interacts with her BD. I shamefully started going through her text and found several messages that I didnt like . Nothing to suggest an EA/PA but just stuff that I found I inapropriate and sneaky. She tells him about stuff that really doesn't concern him and she sent him a txt sounding like she was jealous about him introducing his gf to her daughter. I've told her since we met that I was not comfortable in a relationship with someone who has more than ness assay contact with their BD. yesterday I found out she txt him right after I left 4 work and went to his house supposedly to pick up school supplies but she never told me about it like she had somthing to hide andI have a feeling she was there a while by things her daughter said this morning . My heart is breaking because I really love her and her daughter but I just can't take this shady behavior anymore. Is it wrong for me to snoop if I feel I have a right to know ? How do I confront her about this?
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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You do have a right to know

Be sure that you don't have kids with this woman until you know what is going on.

You also need to realise that since they have a child together, there will ALWAYS be some type of relationship with this man. It's unavoidable

Also, not to diminish your love but you've only been together 7 months! Time to slow down and enjoy the ride!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Let's see...she is lying and sneaking and you're snooping...I see nothing wrong with checking out red flags personally; if you find something, you're justified and if you find nothing, even better.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't confront her yet!! This will be hell but you need to observe her more before confronting her. She can lie her way out easily if she was indeed cheating.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

totally agree with warlock,step back and see if she sinks herself,only got 7 months invested..but i would make sure you're using some form of birth control in the meantime.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Let's see...she is lying and sneaking and you're snooping...I see nothing wrong with checking out red flags personally; if you find something, you're justified and if you find nothing, even better.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Plus, you mentioned something the daughter said. Hold that one in your back pocket. If you do need to get a conversation rolling, without admitting to snooping, you can use that.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

franklin; my 2 cents. 

snooping is the 'lessor of two evils'. snooping is bad. but sometimes you have to do it, otherwise how do you know?

let's suppose someone like you did not snoop and decided to trust her 100% inspite of obvious red flags. then you marry her have a kid, only to find out in a few months or years she has/is cheating on you. You are doomed to a horrible situation for you and your child because you did not find out the truth until it's too late.

snooping should only be done when there are obvious reasons and after exhausting all other avenues to get to the truth. but in the end, if she is lying, or playing you, how else can you know?

best wishes


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also agree with Warlock. My husband and I are transparent with one another. We have each others passwords and we don't lock our phones or erase messages/Internet history.

I'm divorced and the only communication with my ex h was if there was an emergency. I usually communicated with his wife, but only about the child. 

My husband and I have an agreement that we don't have any casual friendships with the opposite sex, but this didn't take place until we were married.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You have probable cause.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Don't confront her yet!! This will be hell but you need to observe her more before confronting her. She can lie her way out easily if she was indeed cheating.


What???

Why would you not confront this immediately? They aren't married, they've known eachother for 7 months....

Confront her, right before you leave her. You're in the honeymoon phase and she's already sneaking around and you're snooping on her. Effing RUN from this chick now before you get sucked in.

No one should be talking about lifelong commitments after 7 months. It shows extreme immaturity on both of your parts. A baby is not a joke, it's a living being that you are responsible for LIFE.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I've been with my gf for 7months. Her I and her 4 yo daughter moved into a place together a month ago and it's been going pretty good. I however am very uncomfortable with the relationship she has with her daughters father whom she was on/off with up until last year


Are you good at rebounds?










She is contacting that other guy in a way you do not like and doing hidden stuff behind your back. It seems you kinda jumped the gun in getting a place together and all. 

By the looks of it you have bonded with the daughter. You're great daddy material.

That gut feeling you're having, stick with it. Millions of years of evolution are trying to speak to you. Listen to it...


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Sneaking and lying.

I look at it like this. If there is lies and sneaking around in a marriage, you are going to war with the deceptions. Would a general advance without any tactical information? 

If there is probable cause, then I see nothing immoral about checking up on the spouse. After all, I trusted them not to lie or sneaked around behind my back.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_Thanks everyone for the advice. I feel like a total loser snooping though her phone . Id be way too embarrassed to admit it to her besides I don't want her to start erasing messages that could reveal something really bad. Thing is for some reason I believe that she is sincere I just don't like the little fibs it shows me she has potential to lie to me. I'm hurting because I think we have something great to build on I just don't know if the bad is reason enough to leave. Guess time will tell.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Such a deception is not good at all. One of the bedrocks of marriage is trust and because of her deception you’ve already lost your trust in her so soon into your relationship.

Don’t what ever you do confront her with what you’ve discovered, she will run rings around you, take a read of http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...an-stating-women-better-being-unfaithful.html it is exceedingly enlightening.

Your situation sounds crazy to me. Some two or three months after ending her relationship with her H she dates with you and seven months later moves in with you. There is absolutely no way she has had time to process her emotions associated with her husband.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I was going to reference the same article but AFEH beat me to it. If you believe your gf is sincere its because you as a guy WANT to believe she is sincere. But trust me, that woman is quite capable of lying to you without you even knowing it. Stay under cover and keep monitoring. Undisclosed visits to her ex's house are simply not a good sign.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Bottled Up said:


> If you believe your gf is sincere its because you as a guy WANT to believe she is sincere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thing is ive gone through her whole txt history with her BD going all the way back to when we were newly dating ...nothing to suggest shes cheated or even still interested in him romantically, its just sending eachother pics of their daughter and telling him things about her health, job, and other random things which really arent even flirtatious but it buggs me that she wants to share them with him, also things like putting 2 exclamation points after saying "good morning!!" why so friendly?:scratchhead: Its not like hes even a good father who spends time with his daughter or pays much CS. She says she just wants her daughter to know her father but I just think she goes too far. Am I making a big deal outta nothing? I dont want to walk away from a woman and her daughter whom i have very deep feeings for because of insecurites. confused


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

...sounds like there is no smoking gun to confront her on....just concerns on your part of what could be happening or what might happen.

In a committed relationship there is nothing wrong with paying attention to the partner's interactions/communications with others. The problem here is the legitimacy of her contact with her daughter's father. Contact between them needs to happen, but it should be open to you if you two are truly committed to each other.

It sounds to me that both you and your partner have jumped the gun on how quickly you have committed to each other and moved in together. It takes quite a while to really know what another person is like, and her child will always be another part of the equation. I definitely suggest no children or marriage until all of your feelings and her feelings are sorted out and understood.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

Its more complicated than you think as her daughter is involved in this - afterall, this other guy is the paternal father in blood relations so I dont think it is within your range of authority to decide how she wants to raise her daughter. 

As for the jealousy for introducing his gf to the daughter - I feel that this is driven out of maternal protection for her daughter rather than your gf's own emotional attachment etc.

Yes. I think it was wrong that you snooped but I think what you know as a result of snooping is going to beneefit you deciding on where this relationship is heading going forward.

I would say stay put and observe longer before taking any next steps. 


Update us when neccessary...


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