# HELP! I don't want a joint account...



## cbellea1234 (May 2, 2017)

But my husband does.

We have been married for 3 years, and my husband is starting to talk about having a joint account. I have several issues with this- mainly, I don't trust my husband with money.

Let me explain- it's long, but please bear with me! My hubby is a really good guy, but he just has NO SENSE whatsoever about saving. He can't save money- always spending it on friends, family, etc. For example, he only books first / business class, because he would rather dish out more money for comfort/ luxury than save. We are okay financially, but I wouldn't say rich at all. We are paying mortgage on a new house, and he didn't even want to save up for a 20% down payment- he preferred to take longer loans at a higher interest rate so he wouldn't have to put so much away in the bank. That was a huge fight, and in the end, I ended up contributing a large portion to the down payment. Another issue is that he is VERY generous with his money- he's Italian, and the concept of family is huge for him. Therefore, he's always giving "extra" money to his family. He also will invest in projects his friends/ family have- even if I don't think they are very promising or financially stable projects.

Which would be fine if we were rich. But we are still trying to pay off mortgage. We always fight over money because I'm always trying to put money away in a retirement fund, savings account, etc, and he just keeps spending it! 

This would also be a different conversation if HE was earning the money, but I am the main breadwinner- I earn about twice as much as him. And it's not even like I want to keep money for myself to go shopping or anything, I want it so we can pay off our house, have a good retirement, send our kids to college, etc!

Now, he keeps going on about how we don't have a joint account- and how it's insulting / not acceptable for him (his culture didn't raise him like that). But if he's already so loose with his money, and if I already feel like I'm the only one trying to save for our future with my own money, I'm terrified at the idea of him having access to ALL of my money/ savings I've been putting aside for us. 

Any advice? I've been going crazy about this- I'd appreciate anyone's input on the issue! Thank you!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Ugh I feel you there.

I'm the saver and my H is the spender, we have solved this by having 2 accounts one where the mortgage and vehicle payments goes. We then use the other for household bills and expenses, we get a set amount each pay period to do what we want save or spend. 

This has worked for us, as he knows when he spends his amount that is it no more until we get paid again I also do not give him any of my spending money.

I also wanted to add, that the mortgage and vehicle account does not have debit cards, the money can't be withdrawn from either of us.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Huge RED FLAG. Listen to your gut, and don't co-mingle your finances. I imagine that you will end up paying off the lion's share of the mortgage, and guess what, if you divorce years from now, he'll get half of that house. Sorry, I don't have much to add.

When he tells you that it's insulting to not co-mingle the finances, ask him if he also feels insulted that you're the main breadwinner and why he hasn't done anything to earn more than you. Ask him if it's insulting to him that he spends what you earn.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Don't do it!!!!!

Past behavior is a good indicator for future Behavior. The fact that you are the major Breadwinner and that you plunked down the Lion's Share of the down payment for the house says everything. You would be in a world of hurt, always chasing the money if you were to make it a joint account.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

For the sake of your financial security I suggest you hold firm on your stance of separate accounts. The only compromise I would consider is a joint account funded partially by both of you. Of coarse you know he will spend it all so you need to make it a tolerable amount. 

I will be honest with you differences in financial philosophies can be as harmful and frustrating in a marriage as infidelity. Frustration, lies, lack of trust and security, all chips away at the relationship day after day. There are plenty of ways to educate yourselves on budgets and goal setting, or should I say to educate him. 

Maybe his goal should be to increase his earnings so he can be the "big man" and not have to be "insulted" at spending his wife's money. If that's truly how he thinks I feel sorry for you OP, his sense of entitlement will run your life into financial ruin. Guy sounds like an ass.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

"Husband, you have a bad history with your spending habits and I feel that I cannot trust you with our money. I would be agreeable to a joint account only if you attend this finance/budgeting class with me and can demonstrate for X number of months that you are able to regulate and manage your own spending wisely. If you cannot demonstrate this ability then our accounts will remain separate for the foreseeable future."

ETA: And if you're REALLY hesitant to have a joint account with him, then DON'T DO IT.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

becareful2 said:


> Huge RED FLAG. Listen to your gut, and don't co-mingle your finances. *I imagine that you will end up paying off the lion's share of the mortgage, and guess what, if you divorce years from now, he'll get half of that house.* Sorry, I don't have much to add.


Women have been spending mens money and screwing them over on divorce like this for generations. Are we seeing the boot on the other foot?

But I agree in principle. The one who earns less is always more keen to combine finances.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Just say no end of story. no reason needed its outside your comfort zone.

if he keeps pushing to do it tell him when he make equal to what you make then you can think about it.


Stand tall and don't let him bully you.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I recommend budgeting classes. A lot of folks like the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program. Someone else might have some other recommendations.

Also, you might try to get him to read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a heavily Christian book, so if you're not, you may want to just read past that part of it. The information is valid regardless of religion.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Simple! No joint accounts!

He has most definitely given you every right to feel about it as you do! And he should sadly realize that rather sobering fact!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would recommend DONT DO IT, and tell him why.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cbellea1234 said:


> Any advice? I've been going crazy about this- I'd appreciate anyone's input on the issue! Thank you!


Start a joint account in ADDITION to your existing accounts. ONLY transfer what you consider to be "discretionary/disposable" funds into this shared account. Make it a point that any purchase from this account over $50 requires discussion among the two of you. So if you need new shoes that are $75, talk to your husband first to make sure he understands that purchase (even if it is your money). Then he has to do the same for you. In the event one of the two of you just needs petty cash for a $20 expense then you try and learn to trust each other as long as those expenses do not exceed $50 in one day. 

In essence this would be like a joint account on training wheels. Since it only contains minor funds, it is no big deal in the event a problem arises and the account is unintentionally emptied.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

cbellea1234 said:


> But my husband does.
> 
> We have been married for 3 years, and my husband is starting to talk about having a joint account. I have several issues with this- mainly, I don't trust my husband with money.
> 
> ...


This happens in many marriages, usually the person who is good with the money should control it.
I would suggest your earnings/income are put into your private accounts. You set up a joint account for the purposes of the household.
Do up a spread sheet with all the monthly outgoings, mortgage, utilities, food bill, car payments, insurance, club memberships, include *all* the expenses you and he pay individually for the joint household also. (May a list of all existing debt and servicing charges,etc).
There will also be one off payments annually or for emergency issues. Based on this information and how you decide to split the expenses contribute the amount from your private accounts to the joint account.
If for example you think it is fair, based on your respective earnings you could decide to prorate the expenses so you pay double your H's share. Then agree on an amount from each of you to contribute to a savings account held in your name (if he agrees). 

This account cannot be touched. This means you both have money left over in your private accounts, to spend as you see fit. After seeing all the figures your H will see how much it costs to run the household, start investing in retirement schemes, kids education funds etc. Do it now so he less opportunity to spend elsewhere. I think he needs to see the actual figures to understand the need to save.
If you can afford it perhaps you could consult a financial planner for longer term investing and saving.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

cbellea1234 said:


> But my husband does.
> 
> We have been married for 3 years, and my husband is starting to talk about having a joint account. I have several issues with this- mainly, I don't trust my husband with money.
> 
> ...



For me, this would be a dealbreaker, and it would involve a heart-to-heart with him, letting him know that until he gets his act together financially, there will be absolutely no joint bank account. The bolded are all red flags to me. As for the downpayment, it's hardly fair for one person to put down more money on a house than the other person. The "extra" money that he gives to family and invests in the projects of friends/family, is that his own money, or is that also yours? You say that your're the main breadwinner, and if I were in your shoes, I also would be scared to death about letting a big spender have full access to my money. 

Personally, I would just talk to him and tell him that you're scared to open up a joint account with him due to his extreme spending habits, and until that changes, you will be keeping your finances separate from his. I also wouldn't bring kids into the picture until you get this straightened out.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don't trust banks, either.

I have three bank accounts right now. Usually I have more.

Possibly you could have a joint account with just a few dollars in it, with no overdraft protection at all on it, and you two use it together for certain things. Some monthly bills, for instance. Don't put more into it than you can afford to lose. Make certain the account has no overdraft protection!

Let him prove himself with that account for a few years before you two discuss it again. If he can handle that with no overdrafts, maybe you can add a bit more and pay a few more bills from it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why not get the joint account and you run it. I mean someone has to pay the bills and that should be the person with the best sense of money and budget. Tell him that's the one way you'll agree to this joint account.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And when it comes up 1000 dollars overdrawn, what does she do?

If it's a joint account, he will just go to the counter and cash out what he wants when he wants, or tap it out at a convenient ATM, paying exorbitant ATM fees.

A joint account gives everyone on the account full access to the money in the account. He claims he won't abuse that access. He probably will.

Promises are worthless.

Only total fools believe promises.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

cbellea1234 said:


> But my husband does.
> 
> We have been married for 3 years, and my husband is starting to talk about having a joint account. I have several issues with this- mainly, I don't trust my husband with money.
> 
> ...


The joint account isn't the issue here. 

The issue is that you view money differently from each other and both need to accept the other as they are...and figure out a plan that satisfies both. I'd be more likely on your side, but it rarely works to have one person appear to "win". A counselor might help to either determine the real underlying causes here or else help work out a compromise.

BTW, I found out the easy way that preparing for retirement isn't so hard. I started at age 40, contributing the max amount legally possible to my 401k account...and that's all it took. What that's built into is now capable of providing us with 70% of what I earned my last year of working...and that's plenty. But, you DO have to be debt-free by the time you get there!


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Please keep your accounts as is. Here's my reasons...

> Too risky, financially
There's something called "income effect" that is relevant here. If you combined your accounts, the husband might act like he got a big pay raise (e.g. access to more money), and spend a lot more. His spending on relationships (family and friends) makes him a particularly irrational consumer/investor as you've mentioned, so he might be even more inclined to lend money to family or friends in alleged need. This could easily jeopardize everything you've been working for financially.

> Too risky, relationally 
If there's tension now, there will be even more tensions with a joint account. If your finances go south with his spending, it could create enough frictions in your marriage to put you on the divorce path.

> Hard to undo
It is very likely that should you combine accounts, your husband won't change his current spending habits. In this figurative scenario, it will not be possible to take his name off the account, unless he agrees to it. The alternative would be creating a new account in your name, changing direct deposits... it's messy. 

> Undoing is more insulting than not doing
He's insulted now without a joint account? Think if you join accounts, and then separate them again... it's even worse! He'll be doubly insulted, yet another reason to not join them to begin with.

The consequence of separate accounts...
My big problem with separate accounts is that it can keep two marriage partners acting in their own interests when it comes to long-term goals, like savings and retirement. 

Since you have the bigger income, it might behoove you to save for both of your futures, since he's financially irresponsible. You will also have to plan for any major outlays (when you manage escrow, car repairs, etc.) and get money from him for that or collect a monthly amount to build an emergency fund. As for your budget, you must insist he make contributions to shared living expenses that are proportionate to this income, not equal to your contributions. If you can get any responsibility out of him, let this be it.

After such contributions are made each month, let him have what's left over in his account as spending money? I feel it's not a great recommendation, but then again, it's not a great situation. Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the idea of you explaining very clearly why you do not want a joint account and telling him that there will not be one until the two of you are on the same page financially. And that means the two of you doing financial counseling. You go too so that it's not you pointing the finger at him. And it will help the two of you talk about your financially issues.

Here is a good book for both of you to read. One of the reasons I suggest it is that it talks about how even small amounts spend regularly can hurt you financially, like getting a Starbuck daily. He needs to read about this.

*Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner* by David Bach


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Nope, keep the separate accounts. I separated our accounts after my wife put us 30k in CC debt. Have 14k to go till it is paid off.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

badsanta said:


> Start a joint account in ADDITION to your existing accounts. ONLY transfer what you consider to be "discretionary/disposable" funds into this shared account. Make it a point that any purchase from this account over $50 requires discussion among the two of you. So if you need new shoes that are $75, talk to your husband first to make sure he understands that purchase (even if it is your money). Then he has to do the same for you. In the event one of the two of you just needs petty cash for a $20 expense then you try and learn to trust each other as long as those expenses do not exceed $50 in one day.
> 
> In essence this would be like a joint account on training wheels. Since it only contains minor funds, it is no big deal in the event a problem arises and the account is unintentionally emptied.


This is what I was going to suggest. You have to show love but strength. And smarts. Tell him you'll try a temporary joint account for SOME expenses, but only if he agrees to go to at least six sessions with a financial expert and, can control the budget set on that joint account for a year. If he's not willing to do that, then you shrug and say 'sucks to be you, then' and drop the subject.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> The one who earns less is always more keen to combine finances.


I've been thinking this for years, but it's probably not popular opinion. For the duration of my marriage I've had a joint account and I've always earned more than the wife. 

She has the larger earnings potential than me though, so I've long wondered if after she gets her big pay increase, she'll propose that our joint account be separated. 

I'm already preparing my answer, "No..." Firm. Concise. Perfect. I'll then proceed to the nearest Ferrari dealership :grin2:


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

cbellea1234 said:


> This would also be a different conversation if HE was earning the money, but I am the main breadwinner- I earn about twice as much as him. And it's not even like I want to keep money for myself to go shopping or anything, I want it so we can pay off our house, have a good retirement, send our kids to college, etc!


LOL, no wonder he wants a joint account. So he can squander your hard earned income. 

Tell the bum to get a second job if he needs more cash otherwise, go pound sand.

You need to be blunt, direct, and cold on this one. Tell him, "NO" and ignore his whining.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Why do people marry people that they don't trust?
(insert lecture titled "every relationship is a relationship of trust")
Sincerely MN


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She trusts him with her heart. That's enough. 

My wife is not responsible with money, but in a different way. She won't spend money without my consent, so I don't have to keep anything in my own name only. But she has odd ideas. She thinks if a bill gets lost in the mail on it's way to us that should be a valid excuse for not paying it. She just pays bills as they come in, and has no idea what the budget is. Just weird things like that. Luckily I keep track of everything, and these days most things are no longer snail mail so it matters a lot less.

I made her get a credit card, and she said, "Look how much money we have to spend!" I can only roll my eyes, and keep saying no, we can't spend it yet, baby girl.

I trust my wife with my heart. With my life. But she has no idea what a budget is. The difference between having cash in hand and incurring debt escapes her completely. Oh well. Thankfully she won't spend money without my approval.


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