# Seperation and loyalty



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Been contemplating my decision to go celibate since my wife and I figured that it's just not going to work. One of the reasons behind it is due to my persistent loyalty to my wife over the last 4 years of marriage. I really can't see a sexual relationship with anyone else not to mention I doubt many can match her prowess.

So I figured, fk it...

I shouldn't really care but my STBX doesn't seem to be jumping to the opportunity to fk any guy she wants, and considering her high sex drive... I find this rather interesting. However, she has been putting on weight. Still... issues aside if I was to fk someone I'd rather it be her even if she's been putting on.

My mates are throwing women at me at the moment and I'm also encountering quite a few opportunities all of which I've turned down. I repeated myself that I'm simply not interested, and besides, well, we're not divorced yet, we still have 9 more months to go. I don't know...

What you guys think?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

After a bad break-up, I usually take lots of time away from dating. I need time to process what happened, go through the grief and associated emotions, and eventually get back into my "normal" frame of mind. 

Dating while I'm still in the midst of the emotional storm means I'm dating while vulnerable, and that rarely helps. It can also add layers of stuff on top of my thoughts and feelings, and that only buries or papers-over what I needed to work through in the first place - it resolves nothing.

But, I know some people like to get back out there and date long before they work through their issues. It seems like a lot of men want to date before they've healed or say it helps them heal.

Personally, I think that just makes a person jump into other unsuitable or inappropriate relationships due to vulnerability and bad judgment. But they think it helps with the pain, even if it's just a band-aid, like alcohol.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

My STBXW has jumped straight into a relationship as soon as she asked for a divorce. It's a weird thing to watch at such close quarters (we're still living under the same roof). Whilst I think that it is a great short term release for her (they go off and do all the fun things that being a working mother doesn't normally allow her to do), and whilst it gives her an emotional focus that helps her to avoid thinking about the marriage, it looks like a complete train wreck waiting to happen. She is so vulnerable. And of course he didn't magically appear on the scene at just the right time - he was around as the marriage was failing, playing the nice guy shoulder to cry on - and no doubt encouraging her to split from me. 

I think that it is actually very difficult to transition from that sort of set up into a fully functioning, healthy adult relationship - too much of a history of one party relying on the other and of the other party telling them what they want to hear. It's a classic victim triangle and the relationship will probably stay stuck in that mode - which is not healthy and is probably doomed to failure. And I think that there is going to be an element of that with any relationship where you approach it trying to "get over" someone else. You are, on some level, asking someone else to rescue you.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

It has been almost 8 months since I have done the deed since my wife and I split. We have been back together 4 months and still nothing.

I am actually getting used to it. I have found other things to fill me time.

I did date while we were apart but didn't do ANYTHING with those women.

I think you are best to forget about sex until you find a woman DESERVING of that attention.

What she does is her own deal. Remember.. she has opened herself up to diseases and pregnancy. it's not the days of when a shot of penicillin clears up things. You can die from some of these diseases these days.

You, on the other hand, have nothing to worry about cause you are not out there messing around.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, she's not messing around herself apparently, but I don't know. It's annoying though, during the day I'm fine, mornings this week have been depressing, been having weird dreams. Dreams of having sex with my STBX! I then wake up and start missing what I had.

I'm not getting any and my brain isn't interested in it anymore, but it seems my subconscious is at odds with my conscious! Bah! I need to shut it up somehow!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you guys divorcing? Have you filed yet?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Random*: I know exactly how you feel! 

After a separation of nearly two years, I'd absolutely love the company of a loyal, caring woman, but I refuse to even give due consideration to it until such time that my divorce decree reaches finalization.

And that's largely because of my utmost respect for the institution of marriage itself, not to even mention that I don't, in any way, want to ever lay consideration in lowering my personal morality to those subteranean depths that my STBXW did!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I would suggest going celibate or else you'll end like my STBXH. Read my latest posts in this section


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Brokenbythis

Heh I can always pull out 
But I want to be celibate for other reasons, yet my subconscious... I don't know

@that_girl

We're in Australia, we have to wait out this year seperated before we can file for divorce

@arbitrator

Two years celibate eh? I'm thinking for life, if it's even possible. It's a constant mind battle. Brain VS penis. The penis rules the subconscious it seems, every night I'm having shocking dreams, hell even last night. Bad mood every morning.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> @Brokenbythis
> 
> Heh I can always pull out
> 
> Even that doesn't work sometimes. It can change/ruin your life forever.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> *Random*: I know exactly how you feel!
> 
> After a separation of nearly two years, I'd absolutely love the company of a loyal, caring woman, but I refuse to even give due consideration to it until such time that my divorce decree reaches finalization.
> 
> And that's largely because of my utmost respect for the institution of marriage itself, not to even mention that I don't, in any way, want to ever lay consideration in lowering my personal morality to those subteranean depths that my STBXW did!


Arb,

I'm STILL waiting for this.

Oh, how sweet exposure will be.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I think last's night dream was the worst, dreamt I found someone, but didn't become official, then my STBX came along, and I decided to cheat on my new "gf" with my wife. Then I walked through a gate on the way home, then the gate guard went nuts at someone, then shot him, then went "****", and went berserk and started shooting up everyone. Including the cops, who couldn't stop him, hell it was so real. Managed to escape by jumping off the bridge, bah, can't believe I was such a coward in that dream.

Funny, I haven't dreamt I was a victim for some time. Anyways, I went to a refuge for survivors, only to learn that it was being run by that serial killer for some sick reason (was weird), so I told them to shoot me now, and coped a bullet in the back of my head, thought that was it, then woke up.

Still remember each part of it.

Maybe it's just a sign "you're not ready"
One hell of a dream to tell me that, bring back the dreams when I'm Rambo! WTF is going on with me?!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> WTF is going on with me?!


Are you watching a lot of TV? Sounds like a lot of what's on tv these days! Cops, murders, serial killers, questionable sex, daredevil jumps off bridges? Sounds like a plot for a new series...maybe you should start writing these down and turn them your dreams into a script. 

I've read that your brain downloads what's in your short term memory into your long term memory while you're sleeping. It's not necessarily linear. And the most memorable thoughts are the ones that evoke strong emotions. Your stress might be activating long lost fragments of thought brought up by your emotions.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, well, the cops were dying from the gunman in front of me, so I jumped! Funny dream really, was horrified by accepting my own "death" yesterday morning though. Though I remember a part of me was going "hmmm, if I time it right, I could disarm the gunman trying to pop a bullet in the back of my head", but decided, "nah fk it"... =/

Last night's dream however is just too weird to even put down, hell they are getting weirder and weirder. And it always involves some sex! Then I wake up missing what I had, but during the day I feel better and remake my conscious decision to stay away, then the dreams hit me again! I feel so typical male... bah!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's some detailed dream. If you're watching Tv before you go to bed -stop - or watch something funny. You obviously have too much on your mind before you fall asleep


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

LOL @ drama dreams! Nice to hear from you, RD, but not the crazy dream 
I need catching up. How are you doing?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm doing better, STBX is doing worst, daughter is doing best... sort of, she's not happy that we aren't going for family outings all three of us anymore. Oh well... can't be helped


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I think last's night dream was the worst, dreamt I found someone, but didn't become official, then my STBX came along, and I decided to cheat on my new "gf" with my wife. Then I walked through a gate on the way home, then the gate guard went nuts at someone, then shot him, then went "****", and went berserk and started shooting up everyone. Including the cops, who couldn't stop him, hell it was so real. Managed to escape by jumping off the bridge, bah, can't believe I was such a coward in that dream.
> 
> Funny, I haven't dreamt I was a victim for some time. Anyways, I went to a refuge for survivors, only to learn that it was being run by that serial killer for some sick reason (was weird), so I told them to shoot me now, and coped a bullet in the back of my head, thought that was it, then woke up.
> 
> ...


Are you taking Ginko Biloba or Chantix cause that sounds alot like a Chantix dream.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What's Ginko or Chantix?

Anyways the last dream I was marooned on an island and forced to survive, must be the Tomb Raider game I bought :rofl:


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