# Vetting dates



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Since this is the Life after Divorce forum, and we're supposedly wiser more shrewd people now, beyond basic "yes/no" deal breakers (eg. Do you smoke, do drugs, have kids, etc?)......what are some key questions you ask to screen dates or potential dates?


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Do you have a penis?


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Seriously.... I'm going to ask open questions like

how has dating been going for you?
what do you like doing?
tell me about your friends, how did you meet them?
tell me about your parents? Siblings?
that kind of thing. Then listen for evasions, no-go areas, obsessions....


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

How long since divorce/last breakup? So many are jumping from the frying pan into the fire and bringing those problems with them.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Love languages, physical touch must rank 1st - 3rd, 3rd is cautionary, if either number 4 or 5 or not mentioned at all, dealbreaker. As I'm a cuddler 🤗










Sex drive - must have one, duh! Just... not too high and too low...
Kids - dealbreaker, I can only stand my own and it's very draining already to deal with daughter's very loud and lively friends.
Smoking - dealbreaker, unless pot, then maybe...
Drugs - pot is ok, if she's as moderate as me, as in a quarter lasts me a full year mates wonder if I even really smoke, everything else meh.
Age - cradle robbing is once in a lifetime! never again oh F no!
Cheating - dealbreaker, once a cheater always a cheater as they say, and even if there's an exception I'm not taking the risk
Religion - no Christians / Muslims / etc. No hate, just compatibility. Buddhists ok. I'm an agnostic/atheist.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Ask how long they have been divorced, followed up what happened in the marriage. Then listen closely. I think a person’s previous relationship and how they portray it tells you a ton about them.

For example, if he talks a lot of crap about his ex and appears to be angry, he’s not over her. If they have kids, you want to know what you’re getting into. Is he cordial with his ex, etc. Divorces are rarely one sided, so does he take some of the blame? That’s my go to question after the generic questions you mentioned.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I actually don’t go into it with a set game plan as far as questions go, at first. Outside of the obvious questions. I think I’ve sort of fallen into a pattern where I let conversation flow and form my questions as we go along. You learn a lot about someone just from listening.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> Ask how long have the been divorced, followed up what happened in the marriage. Then listen closely. I think a person’s previous relationship and how they portray it tells you a ton about them.
> 
> For example, if he talks a lot of crap about his ex and appears to be angry, he’s not over her. If they have kids, you want to know what you’re getting into. Is he cordial with his ex, etc. Divorces are rarely one sided, so does he take some of the blame? That’s my go to question after the generic questions you mentioned.


These are the ones I ask as well. 

I want to know if they've learned anything from ending their previous relationship, specifically with taking accountability for it's demise and what they've done since to become better people. 

I do ask about mental health, not directly but I do get the information I need in order proceed.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Are you a hidden bisexual??


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

What's your political affiliation? Yes I asked this of everyone before I accepted a date. It's a good way to see what someone values, how they think, if they're respectful of someone else's opinions depending on how they answer. I'm not interested in borrowing extra conflict at this point in my life .


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lila said:


> Since this is the Life after Divorce forum, and we're supposedly wiser more shrewd people now, beyond basic "yes/no" deal breakers (eg. Do you smoke, do drugs, have kids, etc?)......what are some key questions you ask to screen dates or potential dates?


I would run a good background check on them and find out just exactly what their history was with the law. It will tell you a lot including marital status, evading child support, possibly work history and financial and whether or not he's in trouble with the law in criminal violent ways.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> What's your political affiliation? Yes I asked this of everyone before I accepted a date. It's a good way to see what someone values, how they think, if they're respectful of someone else's opinions depending on how they answer. I'm not interested in borrowing extra conflict at this point in my life .


Really? Wow

I guess over here politics isn't as pervasive in our daily lives and we aren't as divided about it.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> What's your political affiliation? Yes I asked this of everyone before I accepted a date. It's a good way to see what someone values, how they think, if they're respectful of someone else's opinions depending on how they answer. I'm not interested in borrowing extra conflict at this point in my life .


This is one of my first questions too


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would run a good background check on them and find out just exactly what their history was with the law. It will tell you a lot including marital status, evading child support, possibly work history and financial and whether or not he's in trouble with the law in criminal violent ways.


Been doing that for three years. It can turn up some interesting stuff.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Really? Wow
> 
> I guess over here politics isn't as pervasive in our daily lives and we aren't as divided about it.


That's not what I meant. Some people can be really condescending and downright nasty when they don't agree with your politics or outlook, for whatever reason. I didn't want that attitude in my life.

My bf and I aren't the same for religion or politics, but he's more a live and let live kind of person. He's a Conservative Atheist. I'm an Independent Christian.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not said:


> Been doing that for three years. It can turn up some interesting stuff.


I recommend doing it even if you're looking up an old boyfriend you think you know.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously.... I'm going to ask open questions like
> 
> how has dating been going for you?
> what do you like doing?
> ...



^^^ listening for evasions. Well stated.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> That's not what I meant. Some people can be really condescending and downright nasty when they don't agree with your politics or outlook, for whatever reason. I didn't want that attitude in my life.
> 
> My bf and I aren't the same for religion or politics, but he's more a live and let live kind of person. He's a Conservative *Atheist*. I'm an Independent *Christian.*


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Not said:


> I actually don’t go into it with a set game plan as far as questions go, at first. Outside of the obvious questions. I think I’ve sort of fallen into a pattern where I let conversation flow and form my questions as we go along. You learn a lot about someone just from listening.


I am the same but I have a knack for directing conversations in the direction I want them to go. 😉


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> Are you a hidden bisexual??


Apropos. 😁

I do get to sexuality eventually. Men won't be honest with me about their drinking habits but will tell me everything about their sexuality and desires. 🤷‍♀️


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Lila said:


> Apropos. 😁
> 
> I do get to sexuality eventually. Men won't be honest with me about their drinking habits but will tell me everything about their sexuality and desires. 🤷‍♀️


They sure like to whip it out 😆 🤣 😂. Best get to know if they're too freaky for you ASAP.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> They sure like to whip it out 😆 🤣 😂. Best get to know if they're too freaky for you ASAP.


That's not why I ask. LMAO


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> What's your political affiliation? Yes I asked this of everyone before I accepted a date. It's a good way to see what someone values, how they think, if they're respectful of someone else's opinions depending on how they answer. I'm not interested in borrowing extra conflict at this point in my life .


This is one that I don't specifically ask but it's usually because extremes on either end will make it known.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Lila said:


> This is one that I don't specifically ask but it's usually because extremes on either end will make it known.


It's still good to know people's priorities and values. Plus I was amused throwing them off whack a bit. 😆


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> They sure like to whip it out 😆 🤣 😂. Best get to know if they're too freaky for you ASAP.


Girl....I could write a book with the stuff I've heard. 🤣

I am non judgemental which is probably why they feel safe disclosing. It may not be my thing but I'm all about them doing their thing. Let their freak flag fly........ With someone else.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Lila said:


> Girl....I could write a book with the stuff I've heard. 🤣
> 
> I am non judgemental which is probably why they feel safe disclosing. It may not be my thing but I'm all about them doing their thing. Let their freak flag fly........ With someone else.


Yup. Or... it might sound interesting and pique your curiosity 🤔


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Another one is…Ever been arrested? I’ve asked that on first dates just to break the tension since most will laugh. But I’ve had two dates say yes and then tell me about it.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SCDad01 said:


> Another one is…Ever been arrested? I’ve asked that on first dates just to break the tension since most will laugh. But I’ve had two dates says yes and then tell me about it.


That question would F me up 😖


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I grew up in a family of drinking problems and I'm not going to deal with that again. I was regularly the adult in the room starting in my mid-teens and I don't have the energy to do that with people who aren't my children. I obviously can't ask that straight out but I can ask around it like, "what do you do for fun?".

I don't think I really have to ask about political affiliation. I mean, if they're MAGA or constantly angry about politics, they're not going to be able to hide it. Similarly, if some recent issues are brought up, it's likely that the "men are terrible" attitude can be ferreted out.

What's you're favorite book? If they can't answer because they don't read, that's a problem. If they have a strong opinion because they've only read one book, that's only a slightly smaller problem. If they can't answer because they like so many, I have probably found one of my people.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> He's a Conservative Atheist. I'm an Independent Christian.


I think there’s either a country song or a Lifetime Christmas romance movie that could be made!


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> That question would F me up 😖


Haha I am lucky because I could say yes or no. I have been detained, handcuffed, and Miranda’d but not formally arrested (no record).


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously.... I'm going to ask open questions like
> 
> how has dating been going for you?
> what do you like doing?
> ...


Ooo those are good. Open ended so their responses might be quite revealing.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

How long have you been single? What kind of interaction do you have with your exes?

If they secretly hold a bit of contempt for women, it sure comes out at the first or second question. I look for vitriol of any kind, obfuscation or contradiction in the things they say. I look for, are they complimenting me by insulting other women, are they showing a strong emotional reaction when talking about exes. I have also trained myself to look at body language more because it can be quite revealing. I generally find it hard to read people but am good at literary analysis so sometimes I ask myself "if a character in a book said and did these things, what would you think about it if you were reading it."


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> I grew up in a family of drinking problems and I'm not going to deal with that again. I was regularly the adult in the room starting in my mid-teens and I don't have the energy to do that with people who aren't my children. I obviously can't ask that straight out but I can ask around it like, "what do you do for fun?".
> 
> I don't think I really have to ask about political affiliation. I mean, if they're MAGA or constantly angry about politics, they're not going to be able to hide it. Similarly, if some recent issues are brought up, it's likely that the "men are terrible" attitude can be ferreted out.
> 
> What's you're favorite book? If they can't answer because they don't read, that's a problem. If they have a strong opinion because they've only read one book, that's only a slightly smaller problem. If they can't answer because they like so many, I have probably found one of my people.


Ditto on both of these. If all their hobbies involve booze, that's quite telling lol

And I usually ask them what they're currently reading. That's hard to fake and tells me if they read a lot. If they don't, I know we won't hit it off.

Recently really enjoyed chatting with a dude i met online and will meet up with next week. So I'll have to ask some of these, but conversation flowed. He sure sends a LOT of tiktok links. It makes me long for the days of love letters lol We went from Shakespeare to Tiktok.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ccpowerslave said:


> Haha I am lucky because I could say yes or no. I have been detained, handcuffed, and Miranda’d but not formally arrested (no record).


Sometimes I get tempted to just lie 🙄 because it's not me anymore not for like almost 20 years, suddenly they want to know all about it and my memory is patchy with rather horrible memories of my past.

😔 I normally just don't talk about it, and get away with it bc they would not suspect I could do such things... but if they ask such a direct yes/no question that doesn't leave room for an open answer or excuse then yeah... that's why I said I would be fked.

I normally drop the bomb once we get serious though, but I handle it carefully.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

DamianDamian said:


> Boundaries on opposite sex friends and if they want monogamy. Just something this basic eliminates over 90% of non obese women over 40 on dating sites.


Why is that? Are the fit women just looking to get laid like the majority of the men using online dating?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> Another one is…Ever been arrested? I’ve asked that on first dates just to break the tension since most will laugh. But I’ve had two dates say yes and then tell me about it.


That's a good one. I've been lied to so many times that I don't ask "if". I ask "how many times have you been arrested?". Even the nicest guys have experienced an arrest or two, usually something like a fight when they were young and stupid, or a DUI.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> How long have you been single? What kind of interaction do you have with your exes?
> 
> If they secretly hold a bit of contempt for women, it sure comes out at the first or second question. I look for vitriol of any kind, obfuscation or contradiction in the things they say. I look for, are they complimenting me by insulting other women, are they showing a strong emotional reaction when talking about exes. I have also trained myself to look at body language more because it can be quite revealing. I generally find it hard to read people but am good at literary analysis so sometimes I ask myself "if a character in a book said and did these things, what would you think about it if you were reading it."



Reading body language is a skill, especially the eyes. You've got to hone it if you plan on dating in the modern world. Ask the right indirect questions to get the answers you need.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Sometimes I get tempted to just lie 🙄 because it's not me anymore not for like almost 20 years, suddenly they want to know all about it and my memory is patchy with rather horrible memories of my past.
> 
> 😔 I normally just don't talk about it, and get away with it bc they would not suspect I could do such things... but if they ask such a direct yes/no question that doesn't leave room for an open answer or excuse then yeah... that's why I said I would be fked.
> *
> I normally drop the bomb once we get serious though, but I handle it carefully.*


Have you ever had someone get mad at you for waiting until things were serious to explain your criminal record?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lila said:


> Have you ever had someone get mad at you for waiting until things were serious to explain your criminal record?


Not really as they don't usually suspect a thing until I tell them. I'm well spoken, self educated and respectable professionally now so no one suspects I was a high school drop out involved with drugs and violent crime during my youth.

Hence why I'm tempted to just lie. But then I know once she meets my closest friends or family someone is going to slip. Like my old man, "just like when you were involved in gangs"... yeah thanks dad, if I didn't tell my partner that first before I introduced her you would have F me up 🙄

Also another reason I'm an anti social MF and struggle with wavelength, also why it does get hard to move on because not many women are open to this. Majority of women in my life simply have no clue, and I never opened up to them about it, rather just dump. Not right wavelength anyway.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> That's a good one. I've been lied to so many times that I don't ask "if". I ask "how many times have you been arrested?". Even the nicest guys have experienced an arrest or two, usually something like a fight when they were young and stupid, or a DUI.


Wow! I’m not the nicest guy, and I’ve never been arrested. On the other hand, I’ve made two arrests.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Lila said:


> Even the nicest guys have experienced an arrest or two…


Yeah exactly! (Cough)


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> Since this is the Life after Divorce forum, and we're supposedly wiser more shrewd people now, beyond basic "yes/no" deal breakers (eg. Do you smoke, do drugs, have kids, etc?)......what are some key questions you ask to screen dates or potential dates?


I'm going to throw a little different spin on this. 

If your goal is to remarry, join finances, sign together on a 30 year mortgage, buy cars in both your names and especially if wanting to have more kids together with someone or cohabitate with them with your kids and/or their kids,,,,, then yeah, it would probably be wise to have 500 point check off list and have multiple layers and levels of screening processes where you have to check off various lists before they can move on to the next selection round. 

And this is assuming that you are going to be able to draw enough of a candidate pool that you will be able to have as many selection rounds and competitors to audition against each other like in The Voice. ( no offense intended, I am sure you are perfectly attractive and a great person) 

That sounds like a whole lot of work and time and energy. ..... But if those are your intentions, then the stakes are high. 

But your first step at this point should really be to self reflect and be honest with yourself on what you are actually wanting to do and where you are wanting to go with your life at this point. 

To use an example, if you are not really wanting to comingle finances and take out loans together or purchase property together or have joint bank accounts.... does the person you date really need to be a good financial manager?

If you do not really want to cohabitate, does it really matter if that person is not a great housekeeper or what kind of furniture he likes?

If do not want any more kids, Does it matter if he is good father material? 

I don't know how old you are or your sexual interests, but if you are post menopausal and your libido has gone the way of the Passenger Pidgeon, how important to you is it that he is real good looking and virile? 

If you have your own self-supporting income that meets your needs, Does it really matter that he be a high income earner? 

If you are not marrying, cohabitating, joining finances, raising kids together etc, does it truly matter if he has some kind of nonviolent arrest record in his past? 

If you are 5'6", does he really need to be over 6'? 

So in other words where I am going with this is, your vetting and selection can be based not on weeding out all the nonperfect humans, but you can vet and select based on your own personal wants and objectives going forward. 

If you want to join finances and buy a house together, then that person needs to have a adequate income and be good an managing finances. If you don't want to join finances and purchase property together and you have a thang for 1970's style hippies, then an artist that lives in a VW van is fine. 

Your vetting needs to be based on your own personal needs and intentions, and not what makes a perfect human.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I'm going to throw a little different spin on this.
> 
> If your goal is to remarry, join finances, sign together on a 30 year mortgage, buy cars in both your names and especially if wanting to have more kids together with someone or cohabitate with them with your kids and/or their kids,,,,, then yeah, it would probably be wise to have 500 point check off list and have multiple layers and levels of screening processes where you have to check off various lists before they can move on to the next selection round.
> 
> ...


You're taking this way too seriously and there are way too many assumptions for me to even bother responding. 

I didn't start the topic o judge people's vetting questions. I'm just asking what they are. 

We all get to choose what we want to invite into our lives. Vetting is just the process we use to determine who gets invited.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Are you still friends with your ex/exes? What degree of privacy do you need? Am I going to see you angling your phone away from me so I can’t see what you’re doing? Why would it be an issue? What’s the one thing you’ve never really been able to get over?


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Years ago I read and took some random dating advice saying that as a man, I should mostly just let ladies do much of the talking on dates. I have found that this is the best method for vetting women, just letting them talk. When you start asking questions, people can get defensive or lie. If you let someone get comfortable and just start talking, they often say things they shouldn't.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Whether the person has a criminal record or arrest record is a big deal because I want my son to be safe, and to be around people that I wouldn't mind influencing him. That said, maybe there are extenuating circumstances, I don't know.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> You're taking this way too seriously and there are way too many assumptions for me to even bother responding.
> 
> I didn't start the topic o judge people's vetting questions. I'm just asking what they are.
> 
> We all get to choose what we want to invite into our lives. Vetting is just the process we use to determine who gets invited.


Yes, and that is what I was saying. YOU get to choose your own process based on what matters to you. 

Where did I make any assumptions??


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think there’s either a country song or a Lifetime Christmas romance movie that could be made!


He's quite fond of country music, actually , while I'm meh about it. In any case, he's not an asshole like some atheists (or even vegans 😆 ) can be, he even told me he'd be ok going to church with me. We have some really interesting conversations, and yes, I do harbor some hope that he'll have an epiphany one day, but neither of us tries to force our opinions on the other. 

I've seen people get downright nasty and condescending crapping over other people's beliefs when nobody asked them boo. So yes, I like to bring up polarizing topics and discern a reaction and attitude. 

I had a conversation once with a red piller who tried to convince me to meet him at a in-cinena bar close to his apartment, obviously looking to smash and dash. The man talked all kinds of ********, went on a pseudo-anthropology monolog all to declare that humans are not monogamous blah blah blah.

Pity I didn't think up this nifty line at the time (I love animals, but don't date them), but I told him his status was misleading, his arguments were more self-serving than logical and blocked him. Mind you, this was a dude on Match.com who signed himself up as looking for a relationship.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lila said:


> That's a good one. I've been lied to so many times that I don't ask "if". I ask "how many times have you been arrested?". Even the nicest guys have experienced an arrest or two, usually something like a fight when they were young and stupid, or a DUI.


I have never been arrested. And I have never been in a fight. I don't really understand how those things are seen as unavoidable.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Lila said:


> Reading body language is a skill, especially the eyes. You've got to hone it if you plan on dating in the modern world. Ask the right indirect questions to get the answers you need.


I don't ask questions at all. People are more on guard when you play 20 questions, and not at all when you subtly direct the conversation to areas of interest.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously.... I'm going to ask open questions like
> 
> how has dating been going for you?
> what do you like doing?
> ...


The bolded is a big one... if I want to know more about someone (anyone) I watch how their friends behave.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> The bolded is a big one... if I want to know more about someone (anyone) I watch how their friends behave.


Yes, that’s a big one I wish I had been aware of in the past. Birds of a feather.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I have never been arrested. And I have never been in a fight. I don't really understand how those things are seen as unavoidable.


I can’t speak for Lila but I think her and I are both attracted to the same type which I would label as a little rough around the edges. She can correct me if I’m wrong.

My last BF has never been arrested but he’s been in plenty of brawls.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> The bolded is a big one... if I want to know more about someone (anyone) I watch how their friends behave.


Yes indeed. That's why I got concerned when my ex started hanging around swingers and marijuana users. Birds of a feather is a saying for a reason.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Not said:


> I can’t speak for Lila but I think her and I are both attracted to the same type which I would label as a little rough around the edges. She can correct me if I’m wrong.


What’s the attraction?


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

SCDad01 said:


> What’s the attraction?


Fearlessness I would say, for myself. Fearlessness in a man with a strong moral set. That can look a bit unpolished, imo.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> We have some really interesting conversations, and yes, I do harbor some hope that he'll have an epiphany one day, but neither of us tries to force our opinions on the other.


My wife is more of an angry atheist. I’m more of an agnostic. I highly respect people who believe on faith but I just don’t/won’t at least not right now. I would also go to church as long as it isn’t disrespectful if I’m not a true believer. Many Christian churches I suspect are happy if people show up, if they also kick down monetary support I’m sure that’s also welcome.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> He's quite fond of country music, actually , while I'm meh about it. In any case, he's not an asshole like some atheists (or even vegans 😆 ) can be, he even told me he'd be ok going to church with me. We have some really interesting conversations, and yes, I do harbor some hope that he'll have an epiphany one day, but neither of us tries to force our opinions on the other.


He's a vegan? Oh yeah dealbreaker there 😅

Mostly bc I enjoy meat and love my carnivorous little fluffies!









I'm paranoid about religion bc of ex wife going off the rails with it and becoming obsessed with saving souls and broke our agreement with our daughter when it comes to church.

But meh whatever, daughter has become an *independent* Christian like you thanks to me being such a "bad" influence on her hahaha (though really Hillsong church fked itself)... still, so was ex wife once upon a time. Your post is making me think...


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Whether the person has a criminal record or arrest record is a big deal because I want my son to be safe, and to be around people that I wouldn't mind influencing him. That said, maybe there are extenuating circumstances, I don't know.


I think it depends what the person was arrested for and when. I was detained when I was 18. That was a loooooooong time ago. No record, not convicted of anything. Sometimes young men are edgy and get into a tangle or two.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> He's a vegan? Oh yeah dealbreaker there 😅
> 
> Mostly bc I enjoy meat and love my carnivorous little fluffies!
> View attachment 93059
> ...


He's no vegan, but a Texan who eats little beef . Even that's not a dealbreaker though, once they can cook for themselves and don't disparage my food.

I'm not a churchgoer, just try to live the life as much as possible. I got kicked out of Sunday school as a kid for asking "the wrong" questions. Mind you, my grandpa was an elder, and our family was very involved in the church. 

Believers don't have to mean someone inflexible, unquestioning or unreasonable. That self-righteous attitude can result from all kinds of belief systems that fanatics adopt like a religion, hence the reason I mentioned the vegan thing. Some vegans like to throw out we're eating baby animals and are such bad people instead of minding their business.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it depends what the person was arrested for and when. I was detained when I was 18. That was a loooooooong time ago. No record, not convicted of anything. Sometimes young men are edgy and get into a tangle or two.


Sometimes young men get abandoned on the streets as minors and just have to find their way out. The way out isn't always legitimate when the government fails due to loopholes in the system and legitimate work paying minors at $5 an hour while rent is at least $200 a week.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> He's no vegan, but a Texan who eats little beef . Even that's not a dealbreaker though, once they can cook for themselves and don't disparage my food.
> 
> I'm not a churchgoer, just try to live the life as much as possible. I got kicked out of Sunday school as a kid for asking "the wrong" questions. Mind you, my grandpa was an elder, and our family was very involved in the church.
> 
> Believers don't have to mean someone inflexible, unquestioning or unreasonable. That self-righteous attitude can result from all kinds of belief systems that fanatics adopt like a religion, hence the reason I mentioned the vegan thing. Some vegans like to throw out we're eating baby animals and are such bad people instead of minding their business.


Hahaha I always encouraged my daughter to ask questions and ending up "embarrassing" my ex 😅 

Shes more tactful about it now though, I taught her to respect others beliefs even if they don't extend the same courtesy.

But I dunno, not sure I can deal losing another partner to a God 🙄


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Hahaha I always encouraged my daughter to ask questions and ending up "embarrassing" my ex 😅
> 
> Shes more tactful about it now though, I taught her to respect others beliefs even if they don't extend the same courtesy.
> 
> But I dunno, not sure I can deal losing another partner to a God 🙄


We're all going to lose our partners eventually, to death, if nothing else. No point in worrying about the what-ifs unless that particular individual is sticking red flags up your butt. Some people might like that though 🤔

Anyway, my point is, you might be missing out on a wonderful partner who fits you well if you let your fear overrule common sense.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Yes, and that is what I was saying. YOU get to choose your own process based on what matters to you.
> 
> Where did I make any assumptions??


All of your questions were based assumptions but you ended it with.....


oldshirt said:


> Your vetting needs to be based on your own personal needs and intentions, and not what makes a perfect human



I am pretty sure most of us are well aware that perfect human beings do not exist. I don't think anyone, including myself, have made any assertions that we're only seeking perfect individuals.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> I have never been arrested. And I have never been in a fight. I don't really understand how those things are seen as unavoidable.


In the United States, by age 18, about 1/3 of black males, 1/4 of Hispanic males, and 1/5 of white males have been arrested. By age 23, about 1/2 of black males, 2/5 of Hispanic males and 1/3 of white males have been arrested.

My own ex husband was arrested in college pulling a stupid fraternity prank. He wasn't charged but he was arrested. 

Current bf has never been arrested but he never went to college and was married at 19.

Many of the men I met on dates after my divorce had been arrested in their youth for things like public indecency (peeing in the streets in New Orleans during Mardi Gras), public intoxication (climbing down the outside of a hotel, 3rd floor balcony to balcony, during spring break), possession (marijuana), underage drinking, and one had harassment at 19 for showing up at his ex girlfriend's house drunk begging her to take him back. Again, stupid stuff. 

There were a few that were charged with their crimes and had felony records. I only entertained one since his crime was almost 25 years prior.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Not said:


> I can’t speak for Lila but I think her and I are both attracted to the same type which I would label as a little rough around the edges. She can correct me if I’m wrong.
> 
> My last BF has never been arrested but he’s been in plenty of brawls.


In my case, even though I do not drink except a drink here or there, I enjoy activities where alcohol consumption is common. The men I am exposed to tend to drink. They have higher incidents of alcohol related arrests - DUI being the predominant one. 

My bf now (Pogo) doesn't drink and never has. He does not have a criminal record or ever been arrested. He leads a very clean life. We met at a coffee shop. 😁


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Lila said:


> In my case, even though I do not drink except a drink here or there, I enjoy activities where alcohol consumption is common. The men I am exposed to tend to drink. They have higher incidents of alcohol related arrests - DUI being the predominant one.
> 
> My bf now (Pogo) doesn't drink and never has. He does not have a criminal record or ever been arrested. He leads a very clean life. We met at a coffee shop. 😁


Yep, xBF was in bar brawls. It was typically the kicking of an ass of a man who acted abusively toward a woman. Red neck code of honor lol!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> We're all going to lose our partners eventually, to death, if nothing else. No point in worrying about the what-ifs unless that particular individual is sticking red flags up your butt. Some people might like that though 🤔
> 
> Anyway, my point is, you might be missing out on a wonderful partner who fits you well if you let your fear overrule common sense.


Meh, its more I don't want to deal with that again rather than fear. Same thing with race, same thing with age difference. I've broken a lot of socially acceptable rules already dating outside my race/religion/age, and while I don't regret a thing not sure if it's worth another go considering all the deja vus I'm bound to get.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I have never been arrested. And I have never been in a fight. I don't really understand how those things are seen as unavoidable.


All depends on where you grew up. In my old neighborhood, you were gonna have some fights or you were going to be picked on relentlessly, your choice. Most of us got arrested a time or two, myself included.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> All depends on where you grew up. In my old neighborhood, you were gonna have some fights or you were going to be picked on relentlessly, your choice. Most of us got arrested a time or two, myself included.


I accept that that's true. It's unfortunate.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

When I was dating, I wouldn't continue talking much to people that had an obvious huge checklist of things to vet like it was an agenda. It's such a huge turnoff and I'm not there to interview like a job. Whatever happened to romance being fun? You can learn about a person over time, but no way am I sitting through an interview date. If I'm not having fun, I don't want to date you.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> Many of the men I met on dates after my divorce had been arrested in their youth for things like public indecency (peeing in the streets in New Orleans during Mardi Gras), public intoxication (climbing down the outside of a hotel, 3rd floor balcony to balcony, during spring break), possession (marijuana), underage drinking, and one had harassment at 19 for showing up at his ex girlfriend's house drunk begging her to take him back. Again, stupid stuff.


I did underage drinking on plenty of occasions. Also while inebriated, on one occasion I pissed all over a street in my nations capital, have had sex in public places. I've also been in a several fights while sober and drunk. In fact the range of things, I did with mates while drinking is considerable, although I never harassed any women as a consequence. Yet I have been fortunate in not having been caught or arrested for such things. Of which I am also grateful that surveillance cameras were rare, and phone cameras weren't a thing when I was a young man.

As to your stats, I am amazed that so many men in the US have experienced being arrested. I wonder if US society would be better off, if less young men experienced being arrested?

As to the two occasions I arrested people, it was two soldiers in both of those instances, and they got locked up, charged and were found guilty etc, for really poor behaviour while drunk on base. I've also unfortunately have had to charge a few other soldiers for other things way back when, yet they didn't need to be arrested for it.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I accept that that's true. It's unfortunate.


You can still avoid it. Some of those kids almost never left the house and joined the rest of us neighborhood kids. Maybe they did ok in the end. I eventually moved away and my lot in life got much better as a result.


----------



## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Are you a hidden bisexual??


Trust me, they can hide this one for years, especially if they work in a male-dominated field where homophobia is rampant. Don't ask me how I know....


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Corgi Mum said:


> Trust me, they can hide this one for years, especially if they work in a male-dominated field where homophobia is rampant. Don't ask me how I know....


My XW hid it very well too.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Loves Coffee said:


> When I was dating, I wouldn't continue talking much to people that had an obvious huge checklist of things to vet like it was an agenda. It's such a huge turnoff and I'm not there to interview like a job. Whatever happened to romance being fun? You can learn about a person over time, but no way am I sitting through an interview date. If I'm not having fun, I don't want to date you.


I agree, I learnt how it was like to be on the receiving end months ago when I cancelled the last date I was going to go on. All the judgements, categorisation, heck she was hot AF but I couldn't stand it any further.

I only really made an errm... connection with someone when I stopped thinking with my brain and let my balls do the thinking, ironically. I seem to be much more fun that way instead of analysing all my matches.

It's hard not to though, especially when dating multiples sometimes you just want to know so you can cross someone out and preserve your energy for the next one.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I agree, I learnt how it was like to be on the receiving end months ago when I cancelled the last date I was going to go on. All the judgements, categorisation, heck she was hot AF but I couldn't stand it any further.
> 
> I only really made an errm... connection with someone when I stopped thinking with my brain and let my balls do the thinking, ironically. I seem to be much more fun that way instead of analysing all my matches.
> 
> It's hard not to though, especially when dating multiples sometimes you just want to know so you can cross someone out and preserve your energy for the next one.


I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings but you may have not liked it but if the women you were meeting were interested in something beyond a sexual encounter, their vetting strategy worked well for them. You have mentioned not wanting a relationship. It's a win win. That's the purpose of vetting.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lila said:


> I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings but you may have not liked it but if the women you were meeting were interested in something beyond a sexual encounter, their vetting strategy worked well for them. You have mentioned not wanting a relationship. It's a win win. That's the purpose of vetting.


There were all looking for a relationship, apparently.

Me not wanting a relationship or even dating _anymore_ is post-dating. You know how exhausted I am.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> There were all looking for a relationship, apparently.
> 
> Me not wanting a relationship or even dating _anymore_ is post-dating. You know how exhausted I am.


I understand that but you agreed with a post that was essentially against vetting people. What I'm saying is that it works. 

You don't want a relationship correct? Those women were looking for a relationship. You walked away because it wasn't your jam - win. They didn't waste their time dating someone who was not on the same page with their relationship goals - win.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lila said:


> I understand that but you agreed with a post that was essentially against vetting people. What I'm saying is that it works.
> 
> You don't want a relationship correct? Those women were looking for a relationship. You walked away because it wasn't your jam - win. They didn't waste their time dating someone who was not on the same page with their relationship goals - win.


Perhaps, but my approach was wrong. The whole vetting approach is wrong. If anyone has been vetting too hard it's me, there's plenty of examples considering I journalled my whole dating experience with multiple women on the private section.

I don't think we should just dive in blindfolded and pay no attention, thats impossible for me to do as well, even with my casual lover I picked up all the red flags - naturally. But all the interviews and interrogations with the other girls it's just not fun.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Perhaps, but my approach was wrong. The whole vetting approach is wrong. If anyone has been vetting too hard it's me, there's plenty of examples considering I journalled my whole dating experience with multiple women on the private section.
> 
> I don't think we should just dive in blindfolded and pay no attention, thats impossible for me to do as well, even with my casual lover I picked up all the red flags but all the interviews and interrogations it's just not fun.


You just need to find what works for you. 


Some people are very direct and blurt out questions interview style. Some use a softer approach such as indirect questions or moving the conversation in the direction they want to get their answers. Either way, do whatever it takes to get the answers you need within the timeframe you need them. 

In my case, there are things I need to know within the first few dates to help me feel comfortable moving the relationship forward. If I don't get those answers using my soft approach, I'm going to directly ask. There's no way I'm emotionally investing in someone without those answers. That's just me though.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lila said:


> You just need to find what works for you.
> 
> 
> Some people are very direct and blurt out questions interview style. Some use a softer approach such as indirect questions or moving the conversation in the direction they want to get their answers. Either way, do whatever it takes to get the answers you need within the timeframe you need them.
> ...


It's probably a balancing act, but as some others mentioned alot of such information you find naturally anyway. Just takes patience.

Even dealbreaker stuff like for example I'll find out by date 2 or 3 if she's open to touch or not.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> It's probably a balancing act, but as some others mentioned alot of such information you find naturally anyway. Just takes patience.
> 
> Even dealbreaker stuff like for example I'll find out by date 2 or 3 if she's open to touch or not.


Probably true but patience is not my gift 🤣.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lila said:


> Probably true but patience is not my gift 🤣.


Mine either I'm not exactly practising what I'm preaching haha 🤣 not to mention I'm naturally curious it's hard lol


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ask how they feel about certain subjects especially the hard stuff: religion, politics, money, current events, abortion, LGBTQIA+ rights, some controversial subject going on in your area; premarital sex, etc. Whatever the answers, make sure their values align with yours. 

If you can, gently explore if they know why their last relationship ended, what their role in the break up was & how they feel about it now. You don't need to known the answers to those questions but you do need to know they did the soul searching work to move forward & not punish you for some EX's sins.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

I think people who are applying too much pressure vetting are too structured. They have a plan and expect the next 10-20 years to happen just like they think it will. Can they do that? No. People still get cheat on, people die, situations change. All they really accomplish is having a miserable time and find a match who is willing to endure all the discomfort and grueling expectations. Sounds like a SIMP to me. 

They see people getting weeded out and think that it's "working," but it's not working any more than an overzealous HR department with bad hiring practices running off good people who are just tired of the BS.

I'm glad that overly structured people reveal themselves early in the dating process because it allows others to see them quickly.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Loves Coffee said:


> I think people who are applying too much pressure vetting are too structured. They have a plan and expect the next 10-20 years to happen just like they think it will. Can they do that? No. People still get cheat on, people die, situations change. All they really accomplish is having a miserable time and find a match who is willing to endure all the discomfort and grueling expectations. Sounds like a SIMP to me.
> 
> They see people getting weeded out and think that it's "working," but it's not working any more than an overzealous HR department with bad hiring practices running off good people who are just tired of the BS.
> 
> I'm glad that overly structured people reveal themselves early in the dating process because it allows others to see them quickly.


I didn't ask for people's opinions of the vetting process. I asked for people to provide their vetting questions. 

I'm asking you nicely. Please stop thread jacking my thread. 

If you want to talk about simps, start your own thread. Thanks.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Loves Coffee said:


> I think people who are applying too much pressure vetting are too structured. They have a plan and expect the next 10-20 years to happen just like they think it will. Can they do that? No. People still get cheat on, people die, situations change. All they really accomplish is having a miserable time and find a match who is willing to endure all the discomfort and grueling expectations.


It's not about guarenteeing an outcome or being inflexible. It's about assessing comparability The vetting process is more about quickly weeding out people who are too diametrically opposed to live in harmony. For example -- I think life is easier when a couple has similar views about things like porn & flirting. It saves a whole lot of unnecessary arguing if you are on the same page. Some of the big issues people can co-exist but others are tougher like what religion if any to raise your kids.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Please resist the urge to threadjack. *


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Not one question is necessary. Depending on how much they are in their phone on the first date tells me everything i need to know.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I want to know if he's still harboring feelings for an ex.

I have seen a couple of men in relationships go back to their exs...yuck.

There are questions to ask in conversation without asking directly, to get a good feel for the situation. His ex situation.


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Vetting questions ? Just one. Are you seriously involved with anyone ? or some variation of. That's all I need to know to start.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Not one question is necessary. Depending on how much they are in their phone on the first date tells me everything i need to know.


Depending on how much they are on their phone??? 😲 People shouldn't be spending ANY time on their phone on the first date....or any date for that matter. Unless people have been dating a while, that phone should stay tucked away.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I want to know if he's still harboring feelings for an ex.
> 
> I have seen a couple of men in relationships go back to their exs...yuck.
> 
> There are questions to ask in conversation without asking directly, to get a good feel for the situation. His ex situation.


Heck yeah. People who are still hung up on exes or harboring anger towards them need a therapist, not a date.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

2&out said:


> Vetting questions ? Just one. Are you seriously involved with anyone ? or some variation of. That's all I need to know to start.


You're very laid back. 😁


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

rockon said:


> Do you have a penis?


Damn!!! This made my day! Rockon indeed!😂👍


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> It's still good to know people's priorities and values. Plus I was amused throwing them off whack a bit. 😆


What if he doesn't have one?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This seems so weird to me, no offense to anyone.

Do people really ask questions as a sort of testing?

If I ask questions, it's because I'm interested in them.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> This seems so weird to me, no offense to anyone.
> 
> Do people really ask questions as a sort of testing?
> 
> If I ask questions, it's because I'm interested in them.


I can only speak for myself but it's the opposite If I am interested, I am going to do my best to get the information I need quickly. I don't want to waste anyone's time. Better to know sooner rather than later there's something, for them or myself, to make it a no go. 

If I'm not interested, I will talk about the weather (or some other inane topic) and call it done. 

For the record, I do not interrogate people. I
seem to have a knack for making people feel at ease. 🤷‍♀️


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm probably too far removed from the environment.

I'm also probably easy.😂. Cheap too.😋


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> What if he doesn't have one?


Er... one of what?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Er... one of what?


A political affiliation.

What did you think? Naughty, naughty....😁


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> A political affiliation.
> 
> What did you think? Naughty, naughty....😁


Best make sure first, right?!

That's the best kind, IMO... a thinking person.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Lila said:


> That's a good one. I've been lied to so many times that I don't ask "if". I ask "how many times have you been arrested?". Even the nicest guys have experienced an arrest or two, usually something like a fight when they were young and stupid, or a DUI.





Laurentium said:


> I have never been arrested. And I have never been in a fight. I don't really understand how those things are seen as unavoidable.


People have made fun of @Lila for saying this but dammit if I'm not an example. I was arrested for being a 20 or 21 year old male driving around at 11. I was headed to town to pick up my GF from work. I was pulled over for "not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign". After answering a few questions like where I lived and my birthday and stuff like that I was asked to step out of the vehicle. He told me that he was going to search my vehicle and "Is there anything in there you want to warn me about?" so I warned him that my car was a mess. After he found a bunch of empty Diet Mt. Dew bottles and receipts and nothing else, he told me that he thought I was high and he was going to administer a sobriety test. After putting my feet together and tilting my head back he said and I quote, "yeah, he's on something" when the strongest thing in my system was soda and candy corn. I spent 3-4 hours in the drunk tank and the drunks were pissed that they were letting someone out that was on drugs when they were just drunk.

Some of the biggest ironies: My mom was sloshed when she came to pick me up from the drunk tank and had to get a ride from my GF's mom (way to make a great impression on the future MIL). Everyone, and I mean _everyone_ that heard about it said, "don't you mean his brother?". I had been the DD for _everyone_ from the time I got my learners and have _never_ taken / smoked any drugs, not even cigarettes though I have been drinking a handful of times by now (but I had not then).


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> People have made fun of @Lila for saying this but dammit if I'm not an example. I was arrested for being a 20 or 21 year old male driving around at 11. I was headed to town to pick up my GF from work. I was pulled over for "not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign". After answering a few questions like where I lived and my birthday and stuff like that I was asked to step out of the vehicle. He told me that he was going to search my vehicle and "Is there anything in there you want to warn me about?" so I warned him that my car was a mess. After he found a bunch of empty Diet Mt. Dew bottles and receipts and nothing else, he told me that he thought I was high and he was going to administer a sobriety test. After putting my feet together and tilting my head back he said and I quote, "yeah, he's on something" when the strongest thing in my system was soda and candy corn. I spent 3-4 hours in the drunk tank and the drunks were pissed that they were letting someone out that was on drugs when they were just drunk.
> 
> Some of the biggest ironies: My mom was sloshed when she came to pick me up from the drunk tank and had to get a ride from my GF's mom (way to make a great impression on the future MIL). Everyone, and I mean _everyone_ that heard about it said, "don't you mean his brother?". I had been the DD for _everyone_ from the time I got my learners and have _never_ taken / smoked any drugs, not even cigarettes though I have been drinking a handful of times by now (but I had not then).


Thanks for sharing Hiner. I'm sure it wasn't funny back then but it makes for a great story 😁.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Personal said:


> As to your stats, I am amazed that so many men in the US have experienced being arrested. I wonder if US society would be better off, if less young men experienced being arrested?


I have to agree with you. @Hiner112 shared a great example of the type of arrests I was referring to. No charges are pressed but it's an arrest nevertheless. I could share my theories on why it happens but that would only derail the thread.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I remember as a kid when my mates and I were off our heads and sirens 🚨 lit up behind us, we had enough in the car to be charged by possession but my mate pulled over to the closest driveway and the cop asked him if he lived there and he said yes and... yeah we got away 😅


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Lila said:


> Since this is the Life after Divorce forum, and we're supposedly wiser more shrewd people now, beyond basic "yes/no" deal breakers (eg. Do you smoke, do drugs, have kids, etc?)......what are some key questions you ask to screen dates or potential dates?


Only thing no kids, not a cc rider, and Date for two years, go mgtow, spin plates. Divorce will be evetible if you marry and you will lose all.
Think before you poke


----------

