# Baby is not mine..........advice needed



## Shaun (Dec 18, 2010)

Hi first of all thank you in advance for any help/guidance.

I am 25 and my partner is 24, only a few weeks now i have found out she is pregnant. We have been together for almost 5yrs now i couldn't have been happier until now. We had a rough patch between us for about 3 months until about the end of november. I have always trusted my partner and i know the same as her we have never questioned each other in anyway since we meet about cheating etc.

We got our relationship back on track we both admitted that we became slack i suppose after the time we have been together we started to take what we had for granted and let it slide. Things were going so well until she found out she was pregnant i was so happy but she found out she was 8 weeks pregnant and i was away with work during that week so she told me the heart sinking news that she had a one night stand during that week just before halloween.

I couldn't believe it i would have never imagined in a million years she would do this. she said that it was a drunken mistake that she was very drunk which she never gets like and stopped almost straight away (i guess not quick enough). She dosen't have any contact with him whatsoever. I know i should probably just walk away but it is so hard to just throw away all the years of whats the best time of my life, also the fact that i couldn't imagine not seeing or being in her life even though i know what she did.

She would never consider an abortion because we both don't believe in this. we have been talking about what has happened and now that it has settled i am getting use to the idea of staying and stinking by her side. Part of me thinks i should just cut loose , then i think why should i let this ruin what we had in years to come this may not even be an issue then.

She told me straight away before i told any of my family her parents know and are in shock just as much as me as this is not in her character. I told her recently she will need to tell him so after trying to get in contact he didn't want to do anything about it typical. I said to her why didn't she take any emergency contraception, she said that she was so scared of catching something at the time all she could worry about was that and because it was literally 10mins she didn't think, once that she knew she was in the clear after getting tested and we sorted are rough patch this didn't even come into mind that she would be pregnant. Stupid, naive who knows like i said she is not in the habit of being in this situation so i really don't know why.

I am not trying to side with her but i know she is sorry and will never forgive herself for doing this to me. I have still yet to tell my parents i don't think i could not tell them the truth, she has said to me that it is not the baby's fault in all of this and that if i do decide to stay will i be able to bond with the child etc.

If there is anyone who has been in a similar situation as mine any response would be very much appreciated. Sorry if this seems a bit all over the place its kind of how my mind is still.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, you should run, not walk away from her. Drinking is no excuse for infidelity, there IS no excuse for infidelity. She is playing you for a chump, and you're playing along. If you decide to stay , she must give the baby up for adoption, there is no way you will ever be able to look at this child and not be reminded of her cheating. The baby deserves a stable , loving family , with parents who are honest and committed to it's welfare. You and your SO are going to have a very rough time and that's not what the baby needs. To my mind, you have two choices, end the relationship or give the baby up, because you will never be able to trust her again, and every time you look at the kid, you will be reminded of that. Sorry .


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

If you had sex week 7 or 9 this baby could be yours. The estimating of fetus size isn't an exact science. It is done based on size of baby at the time. I measured 40 weeks at week 36 etc. So if abortion is out of question I wouldn't make any decisions or assumptions until a DNA is done. If she is sorry and up front, I don't think you're a chump for sticking around. I also think it's a personal decision if you can accept the baby if not yours. I know people in same situation who have. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You need some facts before you can begin to make an informed decision. If the child is indeed your's, your decision is to forgive your wife or not and then drive on. If the child is not your's, there is another man who has parental rights and obligations and to whom you may be linked with for the rest of your life. This man is someone your wife is obviously sexually attracted to. Alcohol doesn't make people want to have sex, it merely clouds one's judgment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DId the ONS know your wife was married? If so the consequences of doing a married women are such that he is lost all his right. I believe in some states birth by adultry gives no right to him. But as you say He doesn't give a sh*t.

The Adoption thing is an awsome idea for you and the consequence your wife has to face when one steps out of the marriage. Before you give up this b*st*rd, make sure its not yours. 

There are addition consequences your wife must face and thats taking responceablity for her actions and admiting that this pregnancy is not yours. When you play you pay.

Thats my $0.02 on that issue.


As for as trust , your wife has lost some previlages,(another consequence) in privacy and friendships (especially the one she was with when she went out). If you are to heal you will need her to be an open book, you will need access to her cell phone and computer. The "girls night out" thing will be a thing of the past. If she does not understand this it will be tough on you. It's a trust issue. You need at least a year of this before you even begin to let her go out. These are some of my boundries that help our marriage.

As for as healing, your wife should give the details, as hard as it is for her to deal with, telling you how she got picked up, where they went, and how and what they did will help in avoiding your imagination from running wild ( this was important for me). Be warned, this is very painful and you need to know your limits and exactly how much you want/handle. Give her list of questions and giver the time to do some soul searching. Do not do it all at once, give her time to answer your question, say one question a day, ask it the AM and discuss it in the PM. Remeber this is just as painful for her as it is for you, so reasure her that you need this info in order to heal, and that you won't get mad or judgmental, you may need to promise that you won't hold this info against her. By giving it time this will also give you time in weather you really want to know about a certain question that you have. It may get to a point were you don't need to know if certian acts were performed. The thing about our imagination, is it can be you worst enemy. I mean you know the why (she was drunk) but there is alot more involved that needs to be dicussed in order for you to heal.

You have your own way on getting past this, so these thing I talk about are just somethings I needed and helped me in my own situation with keeping my cheating wife.

This sh*t ain't easy by no means, so good luck.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree w/ Dow. Do a DNA test. If it is not yours....adoption.
I also agree the The Guy.... Girls night out is a thing of the past. Drinking is over with! She lost that privilage when she stepped out.


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## Shaun (Dec 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> DId the ONS know your wife was married? If so the consequences of doing a married women are such that he is lost all his right. I believe in some states birth by adultry gives no right to him. But as you say He doesn't give a sh*t.
> 
> The Adoption thing is an awsome idea for you and the consequence your wife has to face when one steps out of the marriage. Before you give up this b*st*rd, make sure its not yours.
> 
> ...


Hey thanks for all the advice, situations like this it helps when someone has been in similar circumstances. 

Thanks The Guy, just to let you all know. we have been going through all details in order for us to try and move if there is any chance whatsoever. Basically her friend was seeing a guy he said there was a party at his place as they were already out they went there. She said that she was really drunk before she even got there so whether or not she was thinking straight only she knows. She told the guy she had a partner but he made an advance she pushed him away. why she didn't leave then i don't know like i said was she thinking straight or not????? 

My partner my i add is not a drinker like this i have been with her for all these years and she has been drunk only a few times. She carried on drinking and later he made advance again and this time she kissed him. She said she didn't realise what was going on till it was too late pushed him off about 10 mins later got up and left. I suppose this makes it more difficult if it was an affair at least i know it was with serious intent planing, calls, txing etc. But this makes things a little confusing because i know i can see it in her face it didn't mean anything.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Go to her OB\GYN and ask about the options to do paternity testing right now. You don't have to wait until the baby is born but it will be more expensive.

After that you make decisions about what to do with her cheating on you.

At least she was honest about the possiblity of your lack of paternity.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

My wife just recently had someone elses baby. No, everythime you look at the baby you won't be reminded of the affair. You or others might think that, but it's actually not that difficult to get hung up on. Babies are innocent and will look at anyone they are around consistently as their family.

My first son is not mine, my wife got pregnant by her ex right when we started "seeing each other", he is my son, just like if we can work through our issues now, this one will be my son too....it's no different then adopting. Just because it isn't by blood doesn't mean they don't have to be family. You just have to decide if you are ok with that.

Remember, the baby doesn't change the fact that your wife cheated on you. If you can be ok and grow from the affair, the baby doesn't change that original fact. My problem isn't the baby, but it is the affair mine had.....I wish you the best bud and I'll keep an eye on this thread most definately
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That Friend that took her to the party should no longer be her friend. With friend like hers, you don't need any enemies. I hope your W understands she won't be hanging with that chick any time soon.

Going out with out your spouse will soemtimes led to trouble. Its all about being at the wrong place at the wrong time. A vampire that takes advandage fo drunk women will reap there reward in hell. Or when they get married their wife will meet the same fate.

If this kid is OM, stay away from OM and if you keep the kid put wifes last name on the cert. not her maiden name.


I mean I can understand a girls DAY out for lunch or brunch, but no good will happen in the cover of darkness, when your spouse is not with you.

Thanks for letting me rant.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Shaun said:


> Hey thanks for all the advice, situations like this it helps when someone has been in similar circumstances.
> 
> Thanks The Guy, just to let you all know. we have been going through all details in order for us to try and move if there is any chance whatsoever. Basically her friend was seeing a guy he said there was a party at his place as they were already out they went there. She said that she was really drunk before she even got there so whether or not she was thinking straight only she knows. She told the guy she had a partner but he made an advance she pushed him away. why she didn't leave then i don't know like i said was she thinking straight or not?????
> 
> My partner my i add is not a drinker like this i have been with her for all these years and she has been drunk only a few times. She carried on drinking and later he made advance again and this time she kissed him. She said she didn't realise what was going on till it was too late pushed him off about 10 mins later got up and left. I suppose this makes it more difficult if it was an affair at least i know it was with serious intent planing, calls, txing etc. But this makes things a little confusing because i know i can see it in her face it didn't mean anything.


You believe what you want to believe, Shaun, but drinking did not make her f**k him, she did it because she wanted to, and don't let her tell you, otherwise. She is trying to find a way out of her predicament, by conning you so you will pay for raising her kid, by another man. Tell her she must give the kid up for adoption as punishment for cheating and see if she still wants to reconcile.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Dowjones said:


> Your wife has had two babies by other men? Do you have any balls at all? If this is true you are the worst case of a doormat I've ever heard of. You are raising two other men's kids and your wife is still living in your house , eating your food and sleeping in your bed? Incredible.!!!


Josh,
Is she at least at some point going to grace you with your own biological child? Or will it now be too expensive to add another child?


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## Shaun (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks again for all your replies, well the baby is due to around the start of August. Which at least gives me a few/couple of months to really think things through and see how things go once/hopefully things calm down.

I understand when that some members here say just leave, but its very easy to say that as your view is black and white, also I understand when members say it will be mine regardless because the guy doesn't want any association.

I know my partner has never been close to cheating she can't lie and i would believe i would tell not. Also i believe it would get to her keeping any secret from me. This is what i believe but i know only god knows what anyone is truly feeling. 

Part of me thinks that i shouldn't let this guy just come in and destroy what was a very loving and happy marriage up until september/october time and that in years to come would this even come into mind????

Also knowing how my partner is i believe she would never do this again or i would like to think so.....she made a huge mistake (an understatement) one that will last her a lifetime whether i am with her or not. But i suppose what it comes down to is do i let this outweigh all the good over the years or does the good and maybe the future outweigh this?????

Thanks once again everyone for advice/support please keep posting i will try to keep you all updated.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

In such sensitive things no one can help you more than you yourself. Only you know if you can forgive her and only you know what you feel for her. There were some good advices here. The most important is to check if baby is yours. That answer will guide you to another steps. Without knowing that, it's useless thinking what to do.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The problem I see is: - Is she is truly remorseful, will she have another affair and if YOU should chose to stay can you handle this. 

She owned up because she is pregnant , would she have admitted the affair if she were not?

If you chose to remain together set the marriage/partnership boundaries, couples go out together, there is no such thing as a girls night and a man happens to be there. Same on your side.

Talk to her and work out what you both want. Do not underestimate the amount of effort to sustain the relationship, this is a deep betrayal of trust and it will stick in your mind.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Shaun said:


> I understand when that some members here say just leave, but its very easy to say that as your view is black and white, also I understand when members say it will be mine regardless because the guy doesn't want any association.


You don't understand that the whole having fights thing was about getting you out of the way so she could get pregnant to someone else.

Women simply don't have sex by accident. She's saying it was a drunken accident, but for all we know she had sex with him all week when you were gone. Have you checked the phone records? Email records? What was actually going on during that time?

If you're married to her, the courts will rule the baby is yours. The paternity tests may not matter if you wait. This is something you need to find out asap. There is also the possiblity that the baby is yours. So you don't want to deep six the marriage if that is the case.

You seem to believe that she's a truthful angel - but being pregnant to another man should cause you to review everything she's said and done over the marriage. It's a huge red flag.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Dowjones said:


> Your wife has had two babies by other men? Do you have any balls at all? If this is true you are the worst case of a doormat I've ever heard of. You are raising two other men's kids and your wife is still living in your house , eating your food and sleeping in your bed? Incredible.!!!



I don't understand how this makes me a doormat or that I lack "balls". She got pregnant the day before we started seeing each other. She was upfront about it from the start. It's no different then dating a woman who has a kid already. Everyone here is technicaly a doormat if we let our SO do what they did and stay with them, you included.

The baby changes nothing about the affair. No baby? Yep...the affair is still there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Not so much harsh as ignorant and dated. I am so well off that she is using me for my money. I throw cash at her while she goes out and sleeps with everyone on the town.
I am not financially well off smart guy. She is not with me for my money or for a dad. If she was after money she would have left me for the OM originally. I stayed with her originally because I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. We were both on our own and she didn't need me around to provide. 

If this was just myself and her this would be easy. My apologies for not being able to scum around in the muck and be as cold and heartless as you can be. I have children to think about........mine or otherwise.

and since threadjacking is pretty rude I offer my apologies to the OP and won't say anything else on the matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Having read this thread so far with interest...

To those who have suggested that if the OP stays with his wife and has the baby, she should give it up for adoption. For the male posters, how would you feel about your wife giving up a baby conceived through an affair? How would you feel about your wife, a mother, being able to so extremely put aside a baby in favour of their significant other? Would it impact on how you saw her as a mother (if you already have children) or as a future mother (if you don't?)

Do you feel it would be 'punishment' for the baby as well as the mother (in particular to the poster who used that word)?


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## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

That baby could be yours if you guys had sex before u left for the week....i know your gut is probably telling you to leave but your heart is telling you to stay...so many people would say just leave, but what is that baby is yours?????i know you love her any relashonship is worth fighting for even with the biggest mistakes good luck to you


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

tobio said:


> Having read this thread so far with interest...
> 
> To those who have suggested that if the OP stays with his wife and has the baby, she should give it up for adoption. For the male posters, how would you feel about your wife giving up a baby conceived through an affair? How would you feel about your wife, a mother, being able to so extremely put aside a baby in favour of their significant other? Would it impact on how you saw her as a mother (if you already have children) or as a future mother (if you don't?)
> 
> Do you feel it would be 'punishment' for the baby as well as the mother (in particular to the poster who used that word)?


It wouldn't be punishment for the baby, because as a newborn adoption, it would never know, until it was 18, if then. It would probably get better care from parents , who would love and want it, than from some kind of ad-hoc family for who the child would be a reminder of betrayal.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Oh, and Tobio, my "punishment", question was a test for the cheater, to see how committed she really would be to the marriage. If she is willing to give the child up for the sake of her husband and marriage , then the marriage might be rebuilt, without such drastic steps being taken, because it would show that she will do anything to save it. See?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Josh, I would rather be rude and right than pleasant and wrong.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Dowjones said:


> It wouldn't be punishment for the baby, because as a newborn adoption, it would never know, until it was 18, if then. It would probably get better care from parents , who would love and want it, than from some kind of ad-hoc family for who the child would be a reminder of betrayal.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, what happens when natural dad shows up and expects to be part of this child's life? Are you good with your wife meeting this guy frequently for child exchange, chatting with him over the phone, having him show up at school plays, graduation, birthday parties, etc, etc, etc? If it were me, I'd first verify with DNA test that the child was this guy's kid and then I'd try to get him to sign over all parental rights and I would adopt the child as my own. I would have no trouble raising another man's child but I wouldn't want the other man to be a permanent fixture on the outskirts of my marriage.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Having a child together bonds these two people for life, whether you like it or not. I know that I couldn't live with this situation. 

I am truly sorry you have to make this decision. You deserve a relationship without all this complication and baggage.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> Remember, the baby doesn't change the fact that your wife cheated on you.


I am afraid that the baby changes everything. This is like saying driving drunk without incident is the same as driving drunk and killing someone. I am afraid not. Rightly or wrongly the baby makes this whole thing vastly more complicated.


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## Shaun (Dec 18, 2010)

Hi guys thanks once again for all your response it has opened my mind wider and made me realise other points that i could have missed out on if it wasn't for this thread i will surely keep you all updated

For the time being as it is still very early i am still thinking about this, however i have been thinking to walk away more than i did before. But i believe in marriage regardless and won't just upsticks without being 100% sure.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Women simply don't have sex by accident. She's saying it was a drunken accident, but for all we know she had sex with him all week when you were gone. Have you checked the phone records? Email records? What was actually going on during that time?


I concur, her story was set up to have the least emotional impact as possible. She got busted so of course it was just one time, drunk, didn't last long, nobody special, ect.

The OP didn't think she would cheat in a million years, I'm betting there's a lot more to this story. Cheaters never tell the whole truth up front.


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## rmp (Jan 14, 2011)

I know I'm late in seeing this, but no one can really give you advice on what to do in this situation. You have to feel out your situation and see whats best for you and the other parties who are involved, including the baby. It does help to know that others have gone through this situation and that you are not alone in the roller coaster of emotions that any human being would go through if placed in this situation. Its natural to reach out and seek relief for your pain, and to want this whole thing to go away. 

My husband fathered a child with another woman and hid it from me for two years. This other woman recently came out of the woodwork and tried to publicly humiliate my husband with the affair on a social networking site. I am hurt, angry, and frustrated, but I'm working through it, and have decided that the best thing for my family is for us to work through this. I have developed a relationship with this child, and its not hard for me to show him love, because he is an innocent bystander in this mess my husband created. I don't look at him with malice. I see him as an innocent child who needs to be cared for. 

Friends and family are not the best people to walk through this journey with you either. They will have many emotions of their own that will get mixed in with whatever they want to advise you to do. You and your wife need to see a counselor if your goal is to stay together. This has been the most valuable thing for my husband and I, to have a safe place to express our feelings with a trained therapist.

One thing I do know is that people are quick to judge and put their two cents in. People want to come forward and give you advice on how you should make decisions, but your decision must be your own.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Five years ago my wife had an affair and she got pregnant by another man. Somehow we worked through everything and stayed married. Putting up the baby for adoption or abortion never entered our minds as it isn't the babies fault. Since the day that baby was born I have looked at her as though she is of my blood and have never regretted it. Luckily, the other man has never tried to contact us as that would have made this situation much harder to deal with.

The main thing that you need to work on is your marriage and getting past the affair. I think that if you do that you can survive the issue of her carrying another mans baby. I love that little girl more than life itself and she knows it. I'm thankful everyday for that child and would gladly give my life for her.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

DNA test.truth


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

12 years ago my husband and I broke up , I started to see another guy and ended up pregnant. A few days after I found out my husband came to me asking me if I missed him. I told him yes and that I still loved him but there was no way we could get back together. That I was pregnant, it took a few months for him to get to where he was. 

12 years later he has raised my son right from before he was born. They have a great relationship, my son knows that is not his real father but he doesn`t care. 

So there is hope, remember the baby is innocent in this matter.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Kudos to your husband Jaded Heart.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I have a good friend who had this happen. He found out a couple of years into the baby's life so he had no choice but to father the baby (he loved the baby and took a very active role in her life even before birth--so leaving the child was not an option). You have a choice now but you won't after the baby is born (you sound like a nice guy who would also bond with and love 'your' child just as my friend does).

You have a very difficult choice to make. You have a very damaged relationship and you have a woman who is pregnant with a child that (presumably) is not yours. You can walk away now. The longer into the pregnancy you stay, the less choice you have. I would remove myself from the situation for a week or two and decide what you want to do with your life now. Don't just stay and let inertia decide for you. Make an active decision or the decision will be made by default.

In my friend's case, his marriage ended as his wife was not a good woman and not a good mother. He was always the primary carer for the child who is now grown. He has always loved her very much as his own. This was right for him but not right for everyone. People still sometimes say that they are so close and have such a great relationship...EVEN THOUGH THE CHILD IS NOT REALLY HIS. I guess it doesn't matter what other people say but the point is that this does not go away. The child's knowledge of this is an issue too.

It's a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Think it through carefully and good luck, my friend.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Any idiot with a pair between his legs can become a father, but it takes a real man to step up and earn the right to be called "dad".
My biological father was the first kind, my stepfather was the second.


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## snowy13 (Jan 9, 2011)

It was interesting reading this - I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am going through the same thing only my H got another woman pregnant on a supposid drunkin mistake. I am really struggling with this - I want to see if we can get through this but I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that a child is involved. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you but I wanted you to know there is someone out there going through a very similar thing. Stay strong.


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