# Why and how one spouse has more control in a relationship



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.

I changed from so called alpha to peace-maker. After constant fight/argument etc, I found that for me, peace-of-mind is more important than anything else. So I started drifting away and I almost gave up on the relationship and I was waiting for the disaster to happen !!!

My drifting has caused my WS who has more control in the relationship to get into affair because from her angle, I'm just a passive guy.

So what I found is that irrespective of what I've done or not done in my marriage, the affair was bound to happen because the way one spouse exhibits total control over other. 

Is my observation true?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.
> 
> I changed from so called alpha to peace-maker. After constant fight/argument etc, I found that for me, peace-of-mind is more important than anything else. So I started drifting away and I almost gave up on the relationship and I was waiting for the disaster to happen !!!
> 
> ...


I do not know if it a cause but is a factor. Look at TAM and you see that the BS is the one more worried about the M than the WS.

The WS does get the affair and the spouse to make changes in the marriage but often is a win win for them,

They do have to put up with verbal abuse for a while but all and all they get what they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You married someone who wants to fight and argue all the time?

In other words you married someone who is never satisfied - one who is driven by her dissatisfaction.

Thus how would she ever be happy with just you, because you cannot take away her dissatisfaction, essentially because it is ingrained in her.

Do you think that she would be satisfied with her affair partner? Do you think that she can change and unlearn her essential nature?

It's not so much about control - but when you tried to become a peacemaker you did give up a part of you for the sake of less arguing. That led her to try to satisfy herself in a deeper way - because she was still struggling with how she felt about herself.

The bottom line is that if you want control back then take control of your life and tell her that you have had enough of who she is and that you don't want her around anymore. It's going to take you a while to get it back together but you will do it. And then maybe you will find someone who is a little more at peace with herself.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> You married someone who wants to fight and argue all the time?
> 
> In other words you married someone who is never satisfied - one who is driven by her dissatisfaction.
> 
> ...


I married someone who is adamant in nature and who is I'm princess and I get what I want type. it's always her way or highway type personality. So here I'm in a mess !!!


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> In other words you married someone who is never satisfied - one who is driven by her dissatisfaction.
> 
> Thus how would she ever be happy with just you, because you cannot take away her dissatisfaction, essentially because it is ingrained in her.
> 
> ...


Perfecto !!! You nailed the problem with my WS !!! Dissatisfaction is ingrained in her..


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

From what I've observed as far as relationships suffering from infidelity, the spouse who is more willing to walk away from the relationship more often than not seems to be the one who has the most control. The one who is more dependant on the marriage and is trying to hold on for dear life regardless of what has transpired or how the other spouse feels or behaves usually has less control. Which is kind of ironic.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.
> 
> I changed from so called alpha to peace-maker. After constant fight/argument etc, I found that for me, peace-of-mind is more important than anything else. So I started drifting away and I almost gave up on the relationship and I was waiting for the disaster to happen !!!
> 
> ...


I'm going to say that while it may be true in some cases, it is not true as a generality. 

With all the research and work I have done on betrayers and betraying, I have concluded that the vast majority do so because they are wired that way. 

Now, there may be a variety of reasons but betrayers are going to betray regardless of who they are married to. And for some, they excitement of the betrayal gives way to some fairly legitimate remorse and they don't betray again- although the majority do.

I think the best way is to tell a short story about the famous actor/comedian George Burns. When he was approaching 100 he was asked if he had ever been unfaithful to his (deceased) wife. He paused for some time and said 'yes' he had. Asked why (as they had a remarkable marriage) he stated that she wasn't very pretty so he cheated with beautiful women. Then he paused and said if she had been beautiful he would have cheated with ugly women.

Moral of the story is that 90+% of the betrayers would have and will do so again as they are betrayers within their core belief system.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Don't misunderstand my last post...

Betrayers can be "nice" people or even devout people who are deeply moral. And nonbetrayers can be total a-holes and worthless humans. 

It's just that one has that propensity or they don't (for the most part). So, if you are unfortunate to have a betrayer as a spouse, they always will have that leaning whether or not they betray again or not.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

It more or less depends on when one spouse takes control of getting solely what they want. 
My XW took control of what she wanted, and got it. Had her cake and ate it. 
I took control, albeit a little to late, and got divorced. 

When she was getting what she wanted, I was more passive, trying to help her out. But I was oblivious to the fact that she was having an affair. Some signs were there, I just didn't register all of them. 
When I divorced, I took control of getting what I wanted. And she became passive, because she couldn't stop me. She tried loving m every step of the way, and I spurned her affection every time, and stayed away from her as much as possible. 

So it may depend on what the passive spouse can do. 
The problem is, today, there is not a whole lot a passive spouse can do short of kicking their WS out of the house.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

I think it is human nature to cheat. We can't help but to feel attraction to other people, that is natural. Some are never put into a situation where they are tested and never have the chance to cheat. Some avoid talking to people they are attracted to because they don't trust themselves. Some want the attention and can stop before it crosses the line and others can't. I think my WW craved the attention and needed to feel good about herself, somehow and for some reason it crossed the line and she didn't want to and didn't know how to stop. 

In our MC session we talked a lot about how I was "passive" in our marriage and just in general. I wouldn't say that my WW had more control in the relationship because everything was split pretty evenly. We never fought, I never yell or get angry, I let the kids get away with stuff she wouldn't, basically I have a lot of "beta" qualities. At some point my wife was not attracted to me anymore and this is really clear after reading "Married man sex life primer". It is still no reason to cheat but I can see how I wasn't interesting or why I wasn't attractive to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.
> 
> I changed from so called alpha to peace-maker. After constant fight/argument etc, I found that for me, peace-of-mind is more important than anything else. So I started drifting away and I almost gave up on the relationship and I was waiting for the disaster to happen !!!
> 
> ...


I don't think it's as simple as who has control. Think that is a good way to flip flop from nice guy to jerk without finding the middle ground.

My thoughts are it's all about perceived weakness of character. Passive is fine until you're being treated disrespectful or until boundaries are being pushed. These are sometimes called sh!t test and I think it's human nature. That's when you step up emotionally and defend your worth. My wife would have eaten me alive when we were dating if I wasn't sure of my personal boundaries.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

John2012 said:


> I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.
> 
> My drifting has caused my WS who has more control in the relationship to get into affair because from her angle, I'm just a passive guy.


Your partner did NOT have an affair because *you* didn't "have control" *over the relationship*; Your partner had an affair because *she* failed to exercise control *over herself. *

No matter how "passive" you were, she ALWAYS had other options besides having an affair. 

Vega


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Vega said:


> Your partner did NOT have an affair because *you* didn't "have control" *over the relationship*; Your partner had an affair because *she* failed to exercise control *over herself. *
> 
> No matter how "passive" you were, she ALWAYS had other options besides having an affair.
> 
> Vega


Sounds like a free pass to be needy or clingy or a door mat and expect to be treated right. Sorry but it doesn't work that way. J2012 boiled this down to control which is not right but at least he's thinking his own dynamics plays a part in affair proofing his relationships.

You can be passive but still have character (someone people around you respect) and that's the key. Personal boundaries of how he treats others and how he lets himself be treated and the balls to stand up for himself especially to his partner (because most partners aren't perfect). My guess is that she's treated him like crap and what he called passive is more like door mat. When you let someone treat you like crap and don't stand up for yourself then you become pretty ugly to them very quick.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My fww was the passive aggressive type. She hid her vanity, need for attention and approval very well. She learned very early (from her mother indirectly) you control your husband with Sex. She played the good puppy game with me for years. Her serial cheating was just another way of controlling attention from others. I asked her, did it ever occur to you that when you stopped giving them sex, they stopped the constant emailing and texting? As Mori said years ago here at CWI... "Sex is the golden currency of the Affair". 

My fww and I have R for the most part, but it is different now. She knows I will not tolerate anything. She wanted to stay married. I was on the fence for a year. If she wants to play games as before, I'm gone. I will never again be threatened, pressured, or held hostage by her Sexual Abuse. That's what it is, abuse in a marriage. I have taken a position of power... "alpha". I will not be abused or taken for granted again.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I maybe wrong but my observation is that one of the major reason for extramarital affair is that one of the spouse has more control in a relationship. The other is either a codependent or a peace-maker.
> So what I found is that irrespective of what I've done or not done in my marriage, the affair was bound to happen because the way one spouse exhibits total control over other.
> 
> Is my observation true?


Totally true. Happens all the time.

The wandering spouse seems to have no respect for the betrayed partner, they know they can get away with it and be taken back in most cases or they simply don't care all that much about the betrayed partner, which gives them the control.

It becomes very obvious when you read stories about betrayed partners who keep taking back the cheater over and over again.

Note: There are the rare exceptions where the cheater goes to pieces and begs the betrayed partner to take them back but those are few and far between.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Sounds like a free pass to be needy or clingy or a door mat and expect to be treated right. Sorry but it doesn't work that way. J2012 boiled this down to control which is not right but at least he's thinking his own dynamics plays a part in affair proofing his relationships.
> 
> You can be passive but still have character (someone people around you respect) and that's the key. Personal boundaries of how he treats others and how he lets himself be treated and the balls to stand up for himself especially to his partner (because most partners aren't perfect). My guess is that she's treated him like crap and what he called passive is more like door mat. When you let someone treat you like crap and don't stand up for yourself then you become pretty ugly to them very quick.


Doesn't ANYONE have responsibility *for themselves *anymore?! I am responsible for not being a doormat. But my partner is ALSO responsible for not _treating me like one_! Geez...If I can't even do anything 'nice' for my partner without being looked DOWN on, as if I am gum on the bottom of his shoe, that says more about HIM and not ME!

Since when is compassion considered "dysfunctional"? 

Answer: Its considered to be "dysfunctional" only by a dysfunction person! 

Vega


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife had absolutly no control over me...none what so ever, and if she tried she would get a good smack for it. 
She still cheated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think I had more control cuz Mrs. the guy loved me so much and wanted the marriage so much more then I did. This may answer the why in my case.

The how, in may case,was just pure anger I had and fear I had over her.

In the end it just broke her down and she found the bandaids from all the abuse, which was great for me I no longer had to deal with the marriage.

This kind of unhealthy behavior we both had lasted for years....I can't believe we made it through!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Dday said:


> I think it is human nature to cheat.


Yes and no.

Sexuality is human nature, but betraying and hurting people for life is a _decision_ a person makes.

Some people will never betray. They simply won't. Others do and do it long before they have exhausted remedies for whatever they perceive their problems to be. Why? Because they _want _to.

I was recently reading an old post by a female betrayer here that wanted more from her husband. Her answer? She went and had some guy bone her for 16 months. 16 freaking months before she was found out! Was he out betraying her? No.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Vega said:


> Doesn't ANYONE have responsibility *for themselves *anymore?! I am responsible for not being a doormat. But my partner is ALSO responsible for not _treating me like one_! Geez...If I can't even do anything 'nice' for my partner without being looked DOWN on, as if I am gum on the bottom of his shoe, that says more about HIM and not ME!
> 
> Since when is compassion considered "dysfunctional"?
> 
> ...


Some of the betrayed spouses strike me as really miserable people, but that STILL is no excuse for cheating on them.

Much of the time, I think the cheater dreams up the excuses AFTER they are caught. It's not like they sit around and say, "My spouse is too much this and not enough that, so I think it's OK to cheat." No, what happens is that they are tempted and selfish and decide to cheat and then, later, after they are caught, they say, "well, you are too much this or not enough that, and that's why I cheated." 

Though what the cheater says about the betrayed might be true, it's still NO EXCUSE to cheat. If the cheater is so unhappy, how about telling the spouse about it? And if the spouse refuses to change, file for divorce, don't say, "spouse refused to change so I had no choice but to cheat."

Almost everyone on this site, cheater and betrayed, universally agree that cheating is wrong. Just about none walk around bragging, "hey, I'm a cheater"; as a matter of fact, just about all of the cheaters are quite upset when others find out.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Vega said:


> Doesn't ANYONE have responsibility *for themselves *anymore?! *I am responsible for not being a doormat. But my partner is ALSO responsible for not treating me like one! Geez...*


Yes I agree 100% but this isn't what you said the first time or I would have agreed then .


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Here's the deal J2012 (for your next relationship),
You treat yourself and her with respect. If you find yourself being a [email protected] then apologize and stop it. If you find her being a [email protected] to you then shut it down. If she acts in ways you find of low character then either help her change or move on and find someone you will cherish and think highly of. If you find yourself letting her treat you bad then fix yourself and stop it.

You should consider your partner lucky to have you and you should consider yourself lucky to have her. If you let her treat you like crap then she's not lucky to have (doormat) you. If you treat her like crap then you're not lucky to have her either.

This really isn't complicated. Assuming you're somewhat compatible then the rest falls in place if you just have boundaries in place to treat her right and to require her to treat you right.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Much of the time, I think the cheater dreams up the excuses AFTER they are caught. It's not like they sit around and say, "My spouse is too much this and not enough that, so I think it's OK to cheat." No, what happens is that they are tempted and selfish and decide to cheat and then, later, after they are caught, they say, "well, you are too much this or not enough that, and that's why I cheated." Although I agree that they rationalize their behavior AFTER they're caught, they also rationalize their behavior _*in order to*_ cheat. At some point in the process, the WS starts comparing the BS to the AP, and the AP becomes more and more attractive. When they compare, they DO say things to themselves such as "My spouse doesn't do abc, but my AP is WILLING to do abc"
> 
> Though what the cheater says about the betrayed might be true, it's still NO EXCUSE to cheat. Quite often what the WS says about the BS is NOT true. That's because the WS is 'in the fog' and tends to demonize the WS behavior. Even if the AP is doing the EXACT SAME THING as the BS, what the BS is doing is "bad" and the AP is "good". If the cheater is so unhappy, how about telling the spouse about it? And if the spouse refuses to change, file for divorce, don't say, "spouse refused to change so I had no choice but to cheat." *Applauding*
> 
> .


Edited to add: In all honesty I don't believe IN MANY CASES that the cheater is "so unhappy" for so long. That may be the reason WHY the spouse doesn't hear about it until AFTER the cheater is either caught or confesses. I've also seen where the cheater has been confronted and asked, "If you knew that you were so unhappy BEFORE you cheated, why didn't you either TALK to me or LEAVE?" and in EVERY CASE the cheater said, "I didn't KNOW that I was unhappy, until AFTER I met/got involved with the AP". That tells me that the cheater may NOT have been so "unhappy" with US; they just figured that they could be MORE happy (happIER) with the AP. They convince themselves that they 'deserve' it.


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