# New member with big question. About trust issues



## TwistedOompa (May 28, 2019)

I have to start this by saying that my wife and I were boyfriend and girlfriend along time ago, but we were young and dumb and went our separate ways. 
I have been with my wife for 7 years and married for 3. We were both in previous marriages for over 20 years. 
My wife's ex had been cheating on her for a couple of years, before she found out and left him. And I had not been happy in my marriage for a long time. So when I found my wife online it seemed like it was ment to be for us. I have to admit that I did stray from my ex wife at the end as I was falling in love with my current wife all over again. I'm not proud of it but it happened. 

Over the last 7 years my wife gets these feelings like I'm cheating on her, and she starts big fights about it. To show her nothing is going on, I gave her all of my passwords and she has full access to my cell and our cell records. But yet she still searches and looks for something to be wrong, I'm a retail manager so I switch stores occasionally and add new numbers to my phone ( again she can check that anytime she wants to ) lately since she can find no wrong doing, (because I am not doing anything wrong,) she is accusing me of talking to my ex because I text or call my daughter who lives with my ex a few time a week. 
I love my wife more than anything, and I have done everything she has asked just to show her I am 100% faithful to her. But I am at a point where I am tired of getting accused of cheating and her threats to separate. And sell our house. 
I dont want us to ever separate, but I can only be called a cheater ( eventhough she has not found any wrong doing, because I am 100% faithful ) much longer . 
I can not be in a relationship with no trust. 
What should I do


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This is sticky for 2 reasons:

1. Her previous husband cheated on her

2. Her present husband cheated to be with her

The two men in her life both cheated.

All I can say is to be transparent, safe, and trustworthy. I'm sure a part of her is thinking the old mantra (if they will cheat with you, they will cheat ON you).


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

TwistedOompa said:


> I have to start this by saying that my wife and I were boyfriend and girlfriend along time ago, but we were young and dumb and went our separate ways.
> I have been with my wife for 7 years and married for 3. We were both in previous marriages for over 20 years.
> My wife's ex had been cheating on her for a couple of years, before she found out and left him. And I had not been happy in my marriage for a long time. So when I found my wife online it seemed like it was ment to be for us. I have to admit that I did stray from my ex wife at the end as I was falling in love with my current wife all over again. I'm not proud of it but it happened.
> 
> ...


You have to appreciate that you cheated on your ex and her ex cheated on her. So both men she has known have cheated. What do you expect her to think? She probably has never cheated on anyone and just the thought terrifies her. 

The handing over of passwords and everything is not really proof of anything. I would not even ask my husband to do that. It proves nothing. The point is a spouse cannot police a spouse. If he wants to cheat he will cheat regardless. 

The only real thing would be to do most things together and to report your whereabouts and to reassure her that you are not cheating. But to also understand that she has been cheated on and cheated with and now her psychology of men may have been warped permanently.


I am sure in her shoes I would be totally paranoid.


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## Jaded1 (Jan 24, 2019)

Another possibility you should consider, is that your wife may be projecting her bad deeds onto you..

Is it possible that she is the one that's actually cheating?

My ex frequently accused me of cheating, when in fact SHE was cheating on me.

Just a thought.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This seems to be a "snake-bit" reaction. She has been cheated on before. If this were me, I would want to arrange some joint therapy to address this. She has to be told in controlled circumstances that accusing you of cheating is becoming endemic to the marriage, and is poisonous to your relationship. In many cases, under controlled circumstances, with a neutral party guiding the discussion, the behavior seems to fade. Confronting the issue between the two of you, is likely to result in further acrimony. Therefore, it is in the best interest of your marriage to bring this matter into the open, with professional guidance.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Jaded1 said:


> Another possibility you should consider, is that your wife may be projecting her bad deeds onto you..
> 
> Is it possible that she is the one that's actually cheating?
> 
> ...


Lol


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> This is sticky for 2 reasons:
> 
> 1. Her previous husband cheated on her
> 
> ...


And added to this I feel marriage and individual counselling for you both would help.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

And this is why you hear the advice to never start up a new relationship until the old one is completely done. As Matt says, what may be contributing to this is that not only was she cheated on, but that she knows you cheated (even if it was with her). Another twist on the old saying, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." Going to be tough to get past this, I think.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it is time for her to seek counseling. You've done all that can be expected, and put up with her paranoia. I would only take so much more of this before losing tolerance. I would suggest that if she refuses counseling, then lock up your accounts again and tell her you will keep them that way unless she gets help. If she decides to separate over it, that may be the best thing in the long run. I know you don't want that, but continuing to be under suspicion and having to walk on eggshells sucks as a lifestyle. You need to force the issue, IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TwistedOompa said:


> I have to start this by saying that my wife and I were boyfriend and girlfriend along time ago, but we were young and dumb and went our separate ways.
> I have been with my wife for 7 years and married for 3. We were both in previous marriages for over 20 years.
> My wife's ex had been cheating on her for a couple of years, before she found out and left him. And I had not been happy in my marriage for a long time. So when I found my wife online it seemed like it was ment to be for us. I have to admit that I did stray from my ex wife at the end as I was falling in love with my current wife all over again. I'm not proud of it but it happened.
> 
> ...


How is it going?


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