# Guys (or girls) Need More "Thermometer" Help, please!



## HOPEFULLYALWAYS (Jan 4, 2013)

Gosh, I read the "temperature" thread that was linked to another post today.http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html I’ve been lurking TAM for over 2 months and this is the most spot on post of where my marriage is. 

Married a little over a year, I’m 29, He’s 38, together total of 3.5 years, but before married it was long distance relationship. He’s my first relationship (caregiver for sick Mom until she passed), he’s had many. He travels extensively for work, which is how I met him, he was on travel. First marriage for both, no kids. He was engaged about 7 years ago, his fiancé broke it off 2 weeks before wedding because she finally was true to herself that she couldn’t take his travel schedule; no committed relationship since then

I’m the HOT one, he’s the cool:
1. Are almost always saying ILY or IAILWY first_* [Yes, slightly. Maybe 60/40 or 65/35*_

2. Typically initiate calls/texts/emails when apart/one or both are at work _*[This. Because he doesn’t call when he’s away. I don’t anymore either but I text incessantly. Short answers. If he does call, even just for something he needs done, my heartbeat gets out of control]*_

3. Make “peace” after a fight even when your partner clearly wronged you *[Always make peace, but fights are one-sided anyway usually him getting upset with me; I say nothing, but come back later and apologize, or sometimes apologize right away.]*

4. Walk around visibly angry/VERY angry after a fight (this comes across as “I am furious that you – the person I LOVE SO MUCH – is doing x,y,z to ME *[Nope]*

5. Anxiously keep trying to make up when you were in the wrong because you cannot bear having them angry with you *[Nope, I back off.]*

6. Are mostly/always initiating physical contact (hugs, kisses, touches, groping)* [Mostly me,, but he usually touches back. Never acts aloof to my touch.]*

7. When anxious you initiate “talks” about the R, typically to “fix” them/their behavior *[Never. I just try to do more to make him happy, and stay out of his way (cook his favorite meal, unpack his bag for him, etc.]*

8. Do MORE, sometimes WAY MORE than your fair share of housework *[Yes, but because in my one aggressive act in the marriage, I fired the housekeeper/cook that he had when he was single. I took one look at her and how beautiful she was and told him later “she gots to go. I’ll do all the cooking/cleaning.” He has held me to it. But I’m not insecure in how I look; I know I look good! LOL, but I do. One thing I do know, though that’s just the attraction, but it can’t sustain a relationship]*

9. Put their needs ahead of yours whenever there is a priority conflict* [Always, but more because he is somewhatcontrolling so I don’t give him any serious resistance in this area.]*

10. Are constantly seeking their approval *[Yes. ]*

11. Show anxiety or fear when they are angry/frustrated with you *[No. I usually back off. This cause him to ask why I’m being so distant, along with a tender hug or kiss. Definitely sends me mixed signals.]*

12. Initiate sex when their body language radiates a “lack” of interest/desire, pout/sulk get angry when they tactfully decline sex *[I never initiate sex. I have never once turned him down. Occurs pretty much every night that he is in town (unless he’s in “checked out” status). Sex is intense emotional bonding for us.]*

The COOL partner wants less warmth so they:
1. React irritably/with hostility to HOT behaviors such as: [Irritably, somewhat; hostile, never.]
a. Discussions about the R *[I don’t initiate them, don’t want to be naggy.]*

b. Requests for sex. An irritated “NO” when asked for sex is an attempt to throw a bucket of ice water on a painfully overheated moment *[See #12 above.]*

2. Often behave more and more disrespectfully to their warmer partner and often steadily deprioritize both the partner and the R hoping to lower the temperature *[disrespectful, no. Depriortize yes.* 

3. Provoke their partner to create conflict and space. *[No, because I back off anyway. When he is ready to check back in, it’s usually through passionate sex.]*

Can a “cool” person not realize that he’s doing this? His signals are so mixed. For instance, I once asked him jokingly if he thought I was clingy. He responded yes, “but I want you to cling to me.” Followed by other bedroom talk that led to some serious clinging on both our parts, if you know what I mean. So then, why does he go through these periods of checking in and out emotionally? I don’t understand it, and it gives me a serious knot in my stomach. But I back off immediately when it happens. The only thing I will continue to do is touch him while we’re sleeping; he may or may not touch back.

I’m going to try this cooling off thing, but doesn’t it seem like we have deeper issues? Sometimes I think my lack of experience in the relationship area is frustrates him, and I feel helpless as to what to do about it, so I just withdraw. But he will pull me back in as noted above.

Any advice for me? Men, would my profile cause you to check out like I described that he does?


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## HOPEFULLYALWAYS (Jan 4, 2013)

I want to add ...

As I said, I have been lurking all over TAM. I have read extensively on CWI because i was thinking that maybe he was cheating during these check out times. So I actually went to him with that, it seems like he could be cheating, maybe cheating when he was on travel and so was just not that in to me when he got back home. I have all his passwords and look at his facebook, emails, cell phone, laptop all the time. I even told him that he could be hiding this on his work laptop, cell phone and he just look at me and shook his head and placed them right there in front of me and gave me the passwords (which he really wasn't suppose to do). I didn't go on them then, but I did later. 

I have even considered that he could be cheating and be totally underground. I put a VAR in his car but I didn't think it would yield anything because he LOVES to catch up on his sports when in the car either through talk radio or podcasts that he has on his cell phone. He doesn't really answer calls when he's driving. So there was nothing there either. 

The only concrete thing is his colleague, who is fairly new. She is a very beautiful woman, although not quite his type (she's rather thin and lanky, and he likes "healthy" women, as he calls it). I'm way more on the "healthy" side, but quite fit. Working out was my stress reliever during caring for my Mother and I still do it consistently. But I don't like her interaction with him. She seems like she comes on to him in my opinion. The same colleague who worked with him before her was quite beautiful also, (and actually built more like me, short and stacked). But she never seemed as "come hither" as his new colleague. I've talked to him about the new co-worker, but he says that's just her personality. He says he has never mixed "work and play" and that it could be a downfall in his career. These were all one-time conversations (even the cheating questions) and the only time I bring it up again is if I had something else to add. 

I did tell him that his traveling was the perfect setup to cheat, but he just rolled his eyes and shook his head. He doesn't do any reassuring when I say these things, but he did tell me once that I need to "put my big girl pants on" and stop acting so insecure.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

HopefullyAlways,

Wow,

You have gone to great lengths to try and find infidelity, including just short of accusing your husband, and found nothing. I agree with your husband. You need to work on your self esteem. Maybe IC would be in order. If your insecurities continue and you keep on your husband, you may drive him away.


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## HOPEFULLYALWAYS (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks for your response, KanDo. Yes, KanDo I know you're probably right about. Cheating was something that was slightly at the back of my mind, but then I started reading CWI. I guess reading that subforum I really didn't think he fit the profile, but I confess I became addicted to the thread. So I convinced myself that I need to be preventive instead of reactionary and ask him about it, especially when I read so many threads that said how they were "blindsided" with a cheating spouse. 

I had only started talking to him about cheating since I read the thread, but I was thinking it could be possible when he first started these periods of withdrawing from me. I cannot explain that behavior from him. But honestly, it's been I think 3 or 4 conversations about cheating and I have now left it alone. 

I'm hoping the cooling off thing will help; I'm going to try anyway. 

I am afraid to bring up IC; I don't want him to think I'm a basket case. That's why I searched all over the internet until I found TAM; hoping to be able to "self-help" myself.

Oops, didn't see your link, I will read your story. Thanks.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

With respect to his actions when he is cool, consider reading His Needs/Her Needs and figuring our your love languages. It may help you better keep each other engaged.


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