# Unhealthy crush



## jeljk (Jun 7, 2013)

Ok, this is my first post and I really just want to get some things off my chest. I know there's an obvious answer but I need the brutal honesty.

My husband and I have been married about five years. We've recently been going through a difficult time due to some non life threatening, but serious health problems. We've always had a healthy relationship and this isn't the first "tough situation" we've found ourselves in. We've always handled these bumps in a very healthy way. I don't want to go into too much detail but I've developed an inappropriate crush on someone who's helping us through this process.

Normally I'd just mention this crush to my husband and we'd just laugh about it and move on, but in this situation we're relying on the individual and I don't want to make my husband (or myself) uncomfortable working with him. Obviously nothings going to come of it, but I feel icky about the whole situation. It's easy to analyze the situation and see that my attraction has formed because the guy is in a position of authority, roughly my age, and paid to be compassionate and understanding. Still, I'm having trouble getting past this really inappropriate crush and keeping it to myself just drives the fantasy. It all makes me feel so icky.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

jeljk said:


> It's easy to analyze the situation and see that my attraction has formed because the guy is in a position of authority, roughly my age, and paid to be compassionate and understanding.


:iagree:

It's most likely exactly this. And the fantasy also helps distract you from the health issues at hand. This happened to me once as well with a therapist. I understood the concept so I just had to remind myself that this therapist is probably like this with all of his clients. I pictured him to be the equivalent of a male gigalo that is paid to wine, dine, please and pleasure me. And then tomorrow he'll be wining and dining some other woman. Looking at it that way took the romance out of it. 

If that doesn't work then it may be time to find another professional to help you through your problems. You can be honest with your husband and tell him you are developing an unhealthy codependency on this particular person and you'd like to explore other options. 

It's very good you are getting a grip on this now before it spirals out of control later.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Tell your hub and change counselors. Pick a woman this time.


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## jeljk (Jun 7, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. It's what I needed to hear. It's not actually a counselor and changing would be difficult. He's considered an expert in his field.

I have confided in this individual more than I should. Our exchanges are usually professional, but he has a great gift for making me feel special, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable. Despite him not being a counselor I find myself discussing my emotions with him and it creates this unhealthy level of intimacy. He seems to encourage this too, but I may be reading too much into it.

I like your advice IrishGirl. I can definitely see him as a male gigalo. I'll definitely be using that .


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello JelKL,



jeljk said:


> Ok, this is my first post and I really just want to get some things off my chest. I know there's an obvious answer but I need the brutal honesty.
> 
> My husband and I have been married about five years. We've recently been going through a difficult time due to some non life threatening, but serious health problems. *(1) We've always had a healthy relationship and this isn't the first "tough situation" we've found ourselves in. We've always handled these bumps in a very healthy way.* I don't want to go into too much detail but *I've developed an inappropriate crush on someone who's helping us through this process.*
> 
> *(2) Normally I'd just mention this crush to my husband and we'd just laugh about it and move on, but in this situation we're relying on the individual and I don't want to make my husband (or myself) uncomfortable working with him.* Obviously nothings going to come of it, but I feel icky about the whole situation. It's easy to analyze the situation and see that my attraction has formed because the guy is in a position of authority, roughly my age, and paid to be compassionate and understanding. *Still, I'm having trouble getting past this really inappropriate crush and keeping it to myself just drives the fantasy. It all makes me feel so icky.*


 
*(A) *You have confirmed you and your husband are not shy of communicating with each other, which seems too rare these days. If *(1)* and *(2)* are *TRUE*; then tell your husband and the both of you can “*laugh your heads off *”, as you normally do, thus adding yet another layer of trust between you. 

*BUT, if you don't tell your husband!*

*(B) *Your crush will get deeper and your counsellor or your husband or both will notice this sudden change in you over time. Then *(1)* and *(2)* are *FALSE*, and your husband may start seeing you in a different light . 

*Q. *Which one *(A) *OR *(B) ? *

Remember you answered your own question in your post#1 anyway ! “*It’s good to talk*”, so talk to your hubby!

As mentioned by "_I got this_" (_BTW, nice username_) get a woman counsellor.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jeljk said:


> Ok, this is my first post and I really just want to get some things off my chest. I know there's an obvious answer but I need the brutal honesty.
> 
> My husband and I have been married about five years. We've recently been going through a difficult time due to some non life threatening, but serious health problems. We've always had a healthy relationship and this isn't the first "tough situation" we've found ourselves in. We've always handled these bumps in a very healthy way. I don't want to go into too much detail but I've developed an inappropriate crush on someone who's helping us through this process.
> 
> Normally I'd just mention this crush to my husband and we'd just laugh about it and move on, but in this situation we're relying on the individual and I don't want to make my husband (or myself) uncomfortable working with him. Obviously nothings going to come of it, but I feel icky about the whole situation. It's easy to analyze the situation and see that my attraction has formed because the guy is in a position of authority, roughly my age, and paid to be compassionate and understanding. Still, I'm having trouble getting past this really inappropriate crush and keeping it to myself just drives the fantasy. It all makes me feel so icky.


So this guy is a doc or counselor. There are others that you can hire. I think you're making excuses to ensure that you can continue to see him. Why else wouldn't you break it into the open and ask him and your husband for help with it?


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## jeljk (Jun 7, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> So this guy is a doc or counselor. There are others that you can hire. I think you're making excuses to ensure that you can continue to see him.


He's in the medical field (I'm being intentionally vague). He is not a therapist and it is not his job to deal with my emotions. The health problems are completely physical in nature, but of course have led to strong emotions. 

And you are completely right. I'm making excuses so I can continue to see him. God, this keeps getting worse .


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So talk to your husband.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Or you could blow yourself wide open and confess it to the individual. Nothing like embarrassing yourself to put an end to the nonsense.

And telling your husband would also be a great idea. Part of the charge you get from this is the secrecy.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

jeljk said:


> He's in the medical field (I'm being intentionally vague). He is not a therapist and it is not his job to deal with my emotions. The health problems are completely physical in nature, but of course have led to strong emotions.
> 
> And you are completely right. *(1) I'm making excuses so I can continue to see him. God,* *(2)* *this keeps getting worse* .


*(1)* I agree, you like having this crush. The fact you can't tell your hubby means it's progressed into a deeper crush, and you are starting to have feelings for this man, thus stopping you from telling your hubby. And yes you can't see him anymore.

*(2)* It will, but ONLY if you don't tell your hubby now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What service is he providing to you?

Get a new person to hep you, STAT.

Just flip the scenario. How would you feel if your husband were doing what you are doing if the person was female?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jeljk said:


> He's in the medical field (*I'm being intentionally vagu*e)


Why?


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## jeljk (Jun 7, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Or you could blow yourself wide open and confess it to the individual. Nothing like embarrassing yourself to put an end to the nonsense.
> 
> And telling your husband would also be a great idea. Part of the charge you get from this is the secrecy.


Ok, that's the reality check I needed . Just the thought of the embarrassment is enough to take away the fantasy.


And Jellybean, I'm being vague because this is the internet and I'm uncomfortable enough posting all of this. Additional personal information is not something I'm willing to put out there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Usually people feel more comfy bearing all on the internet to an anonymous group on an open forum. But to each their own.

Your marriage and husband and you deserve better than what you are doing. 

You already know it's wrong. So what are you going to do about it?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There is nothing unhealthy or abnormal about developing a crush on a doctor or therapist. They see you when you're in a vulnerable place and they provide a place of healing, support, and comfort. Lots of people develop little crushes on medical personnel, and these people are totally use to it.

Nothing is going to come of this. The fantasies you have are not about to come to fruition. You need to drop the shame, realize this stuff happens, and plot a course to higher ground.

My suggestion? Tell your husband everything you're telling us here. Every single detail, including your fears, guilt, and embarrassment. That'll likely be enough to zap you right out of this week's episode of General Hospital.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Nothing is going to come of this. The fantasies you have are not about to come to fruition. You need to drop the shame, realize this stuff happens, and plot a course to higher ground.



I disagree. Something could happen if this keeps up. Affairs happen all the time. TAM runs rampant with them. And they ALL start like what OP is describing. 



jaquen said:


> My suggestion? Tell your husband everything you're telling us here. Every single detail, including your fears, guilt, and embarrassment. That'll likely be enough to zap you right out of this week's episode of General Hospital.


:iagree: Best way to kill it: let your partner know.

and LOL about "General Hospital."


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

jeljk said:


> Ok, that's the reality check I needed . Just the thought of the embarrassment is enough to take away the fantasy.
> 
> 
> And Jellybean, I'm being vague because this is the internet and I'm uncomfortable enough posting all of this. Additional personal information is not something I'm willing to put out there.


Read your post#1 again, you answered your own question!

You have great relationship with your hubby *YES/NO*? 

If *Yes*! Then you know exactly what to do, don't YOU! Tell your hubby and laugh about it! Your hubby will respect you and think you've lost your head again , but he'll still love you, why, because you're not afraid to talk to him about this, like you both have in the past and laughed about it then!

It's crush/fantasy with a man that's doing his JOB in helping you and your hubby through your problems. Think of him as a big brother/uncle giving you some sage advice and that's it!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jeljk said:


> And Jellybean, I'm being vague because this is the internet and I'm uncomfortable enough posting all of this. Additional personal information is not something I'm willing to put out there.


Heh.

It's because you want to do him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wise, get out of my head!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. Something could happen if this keeps up. Affairs happen all the time. TAM runs rampant with them. And they ALL start like what OP is describing.


I'm not talking about her chances; she sounds absolutely vulnerable. I'm saying that the chances of a handsome doctor throwing away his practice, and family, for some random sick woman, who he is only touching because he's paid to do it, almost completely eliminates the chances of him suddenly slipping into her drawers.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

jeljk - sounds like you have a good self awareness here and I see some very good suggestions here.

Just do it. (edit)

I get the feeling you are hiding behind this guys 'expertise' to maintain the contact you do have. Trust me (OK, forget trust.. how about believe me) - he isn't the only expert in the world. If he is *any* kind of expert - he will have a pocketful of other experts - some that HE looks up to.

Make the switch. Squash this little situation like a bug. You see what is happening.

(Edit: Removed part about telling you hubby. Changed my mind.)


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So far, no big deal, drama unnecessary. But stop this NOW, before escalating into an emotional affair.
I would opine, don't say anything to anyone, just change doctors. Find an excuse. Get a woman doctor or someone older whom you won't find yourself attracted to.
If this would negatively influence your progress, well, it depends how much self control you have. I would advice on telling your husband about it, only as a last resort, if you can't deal with it alone, which you should, since you have your will and your judgment.You already know going any further is wrong. 

But, if you must, tell your spouse. Let him come with you to all sessions. Although, honestly, he is most likely going to demand that you get another doctor, so it takes you back to my previous suggestion - change specialists anyway, and spare your husband the pain of knowing you fantasized about someone else.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I think crushes are normal but if you can't let it go and stop letting your mind wander (otherwise you probably wouldn't be here) then tell your spouse so it will be squashed. Your spouse deserves that, versus the potential to hurt spouse/ruin your marriage (and family/kids if you have them).


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Are you physically attracted to crush?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> So far, no big deal, drama unnecessary. But stop this NOW, before escalating into an emotional affair.
> I would opine, don't say anything to anyone, just change doctors. Find an excuse. Get a woman doctor or someone older whom you won't find yourself attracted to.
> If this would negatively influence your progress, well, it depends how much self control you have. I would advice on telling your husband about it, only as a last resort, if you can't deal with it alone, which you should, since you have your will and your judgment.You already know going any further is wrong.
> 
> But, if you must, tell your spouse. Let him come with you to all sessions. Although, honestly, he is most likely going to demand that you get another doctor, so it takes you back to my previous suggestion - change specialists anyway, and spare your husband the pain of knowing you fantasized about someone else.


I like this approach even better. MUCH better actually.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think it would be important for you to figure out what your crushing on. IOW, do you have the crush on the man treating you or do you have a crush on the concept of "the doctor" - meaning you like the authority and influence that a doctor has on people around him.


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