# Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Long story short, I have a high sex drive (or just normal) and he has a healthy sex drive with his hand and porn. I have been over this many times and am unsure of what to do. 

He doesn't let me initiate (turns him off) and rejects me anyway, I have to end up waiting till he is in the mood. Sometimes that can take up to 2-3 weeks at a time ,while he would masturbate 3-5 times a week and watch porn. 

I have talked to him about this and his excuses change. He once said its cause he has a problem and needs help (i think thats the honest truth cuz he grew up in saudia arabia - nuff said). Another time he said it's cuz i gained weight (when he rarely approached me during our first few months when I was much thinner), then he said that was a lie and that masturbation was just easier to do... 

I confronted him with his recent porn usage, after we agreed he would stop for just two months to see if his desire for sex changes. He didn't even last a few days. I felt very hurt by this. 

So now im angry and bitter. Very resentful. I am completely turned off because of this and I don't want to have sex with him again. I can't. Im disgusted and hurt. 
d
He keeps trying to approach me now, with his little foreplay advances, and I can't stand it. I don't know what to do.. Do I have the right to be mad and not have sex for a while, or should I give in? in hopes to encourage him to have sex regularly? In hopes that he has actually stopped porn... 

Just so fed up. I have been through so much with him. I have no energy left nor the strength to feel rejected again. I just wanted to make love to him and feel like a couple. He doesn't get that. 

I deserve better than this. I don't care anymore about what I put us through when I went through that lesbian phase (late bloomong bisexual), which in my defense was not something i wanted or planned nor intended. That was for a year but he has rejected me since we got married (been married for 3 yrs). I knew that when that phase would end that we would end up with our unsolved original issue. To clarify, i only denied sex a few times during that phase, for a few months. The most we went without sex was a month, when his normal rate is usually twice a month. 

I went to therapy about all that and got better (also cuz of separation - that helped oddly) . Now we're just back to sqaure one again with his disinterest. 

Im 25 and this is only man I have ever been sexually and emotionally comfortable with. I just want to connect.. I feel so unloved when he avoids even kissing me properly! 

Should I quit the resentment and act like none of this happened, like he would want me to, and give into his recent advances? I feel like im going to burst. I hold in my anger and frustrations cuz I'm afraid of his temper and cuz im afraid of confrontation. But im hanging on by a thread... 

I've already been working on myself just so you know, and have been getting healthier. Its slow progress but its working and for the first time im doing it for myself and not relying on his acceptance and approval. I feel really good about this and I am proud of myself. I am loving myself more. 

Side effect of that makes me realize I love myself too much to be trapped in this kind of marriage. He doesn't want to date or go out or do anything besides eating and watching TV with me. Whats confusing is how awfully sweet he is and how emotionally connected we are. It blinds me.

I won't lie, I think about cheating a LOT. Not that I would actually go through with it.. But i find myself looking at personal ads or whatever and wondering what that would be like. 

I don't intend on cheating. Im against that. I have discussed open marriage with him before, albeit lightly, and he is opposed to it. Im the type if girl who wants to have a threesome and surprise him with a hot chick for his birthday .i take sex seriously and I take pride in pleasing my man when he is good to me. 

I used to get all dressed up for him and surprise him after work or other times when we were first married, and I have rarely ever got him interested. He even was playing xbox one time and i came onto him with sexy lingerie and all kinds of preparation.. And he just said i looked nice and kept playing. You can imagine my shock and pain. So I kinda let go after that and stuffed my face basically after that and went into long bouts of depression and anxiety, because of our marriage among other reasons.

I spent too much time blaming myself and feeling too fat - I can't believe I let someone affect me like that. 

Well im taking care of myself now and im getting stronger everyday (I have been submissive and co dependent). I just need to finish my education (long story) and get a job and get out if things don't get better between us. Im not pissing away my 20s after surviving Egyptian society, a controlling father and religious doctrine most of my life. I'm finally free of those traditions and I want to explore. I want to live my life.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Seek ic for each of you. He is pretty much lazy when it comes to your relationship, and only works at it when he feels like it or he is threatened by you leaving him. There is a root cause for him not investing his energy into you, and he should seek help to bring it to light and resolve it.

Your pretty much detaching from him. Your mind is going into self-preservation mode, and from his patterns, you have learn not to trust him. Instinctively, you know he can't be trusted, and his efforts will not last. You have created an emotional wall to cope with the situation, and you need help to cope with it in a healthier way. Even if your husband improves, you will not be able to reconnect until you deal with your anger and resentment.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Never use sex as a weapon to get a desired behavior from your spouse. That's cruel and manipulative.

Having said that, if you can't stand the sight of him then there is a reasonable expectation you wouldn't want sex. That's the issue that needs work.

If you two can't seem to work it out on your own, then counciling could help to allow you both to understand each other's point of view. It does take work and compromise. Are you both up to that?


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## CST (Dec 12, 2014)

A sexless marriage could lead to divorce before any real change in your marriage. If your husband also sees it as a problem what is he willing to do to reconcile with you? Is he willing to get help? What exactly is he waiting for to happen?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



CST said:


> A sexless marriage could lead to divorce before any real change in your marriage. If your husband also sees it as a problem what is he willing to do to reconcile with you? Is he willing to get help? What exactly is he waiting for to happen?


He wants help for that also for his anger management (he throws fits and breaks stuff sometimes). But we live in Egypt, and while our therapists are not as qualified for anger management and porn addiction, he refuses to see a therapist to even try - just to vent to, even. 

We plan to move to Texas though in a year and he said he will get help then. That's a long time, considering that we may not really go in a year.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Revamped said:


> Never use sex as a weapon to get a desired behavior from your spouse. That's cruel and manipulative.
> 
> Having said that, if you can't stand the sight of him then there is a reasonable expectation you wouldn't want sex. That's the issue that needs work.
> 
> If you two can't seem to work it out on your own, then counciling could help to allow you both to understand each other's point of view. It does take work and compromise. Are you both up to that?


It's not that I can't stand looking at him. Despite my anger I don't have it in me to be rude or too distant. So I spend time with him, just not as close. I do hug him though. I mean, truth is I love him but I don't even know how to express how I feel. He knows im upset but we aren't talking about it. He also gets critical of the way I get upset or how I react to something. Deep down I think he doesn't like hating or questioning himself very long so he prefers things to smooth over quickly. He is stressed a lot due to his job. But he has always been stressed since I have met him in college.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Mr.Fisty said:


> Seek ic for each of you. He is pretty much lazy when it comes to your relationship, and only works at it when he feels like it or he is threatened by you leaving him. There is a root cause for him not investing his energy into you, and he should seek help to bring it to light and resolve it.
> 
> Your pretty much detaching from him. Your mind is going into self-preservation mode, and from his patterns, you have learn not to trust him. Instinctively, you know he can't be trusted, and his efforts will not last. You have created an emotional wall to cope with the situation, and you need help to cope with it in a healthier way. Even if your husband improves, you will not be able to reconnect until you deal with your anger and resentment.


Quite frankly you hit the nail on that one.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



CST said:


> A sexless marriage could lead to divorce before any real change in your marriage. If your husband also sees it as a problem what is he willing to do to reconcile with you? Is he willing to get help? What exactly is he waiting for to happen?


Also, can sex 2-3 times a month be called a sexless marriage? Didn't know that. I mean it's not like he NEVER wants it. Its just VERY rare that we have it twice in one week or consistently once a week. Two weeks seems to be the average time in between - i used to mark my calendar.


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

You have every right to be upset.

I haven't read your OP fully, but is he seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist? if so, perhaps you can accompany him and air your concerns.


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## CST (Dec 12, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Also, can sex 2-3 times a month be called a sexless marriage? Didn't know that. I mean it's not like he NEVER wants it. Its just VERY rare that we have it twice in one week or consistently once a week. Two weeks seems to be the average time in between - i used to mark my calendar.


I just went back to your original question on if you should give in. I apologize for not being more specific. I don't think that not having sex with him to show him how serious you are is the answer. I don't think you should just give in either because your needs should also be important to him.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I might be way off base here with this but when in a storm any port will do initially.

You say that he's addicted to porn and masturbates without you some 3 times (as far as you know) a week. 

Have you looked to see what is actually the subject attraction? The reason I ask this is it might give you some pathes to follow regarding moving him away from this as its clearly the solo sexual satisfaction that hes enjoying. This might be because he gets some improved sensitivity when doing it himself, as stated earlier by one of the gang, hes just lazy, or that there may be things in his background and past that cause him issues or even embarrassment.

Im not even thinking of making an excuse. He is or appears NOT to be LOW DRIVE as his actions contradict this.

See what is stimulating him. He possibly will not try or want to be open about what his "likes " are. Its something that you can do to at least make a move toward understanding what's happening. You do not deserve to have this type if sexual diet served up by him and he must be made to see this. If he wont get professional help you and the marriage will eventually leave him to literally himself


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



CST said:


> I just went back to your original question on if you should give in. I apologize for not being more specific. I don't think that not having sex with him to show him how serious you are is the answer. I don't think you should just give in either because your needs should also be important to him.


Thank you. But I need to clarify. 

I am NOT using sex as a weapon. I tried that so I know it doesn't work, and I used to give in before because I just really wanted to be intimate rather than angry. 

My reason for not wanting to give in now is because of how hurt I feel and how I shut down to protect myself. Not because I want to punish him. I just can't get over how I feel. If I had a button I could push, I would. Plus when he approaches me now when before he usually doesn't, it doesn't feel genuine and he is trying to get me to lighten up. 
I don't snarl at him. I am polite and nice with him and half smile a lot.. I just tend to space out and he catches me staring elsewhere with a flat expression. 

I just want to make it clear that I am so not reacting in a bad or meanful way. Im just sad. I feel kind of broken and fatigued.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am slightly confused - not too long ago - just some months - you were convinced that you preferred women to men. What suddenly changed ? Or has anything changed ? I would have thought that you would welcome him using porn instead of having sex with you. In your previous thread, you said you would cry whenever he had sex with you because it was robot sex for you.

This is certainly a change now. So what happened to lusting after women ?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Pault said:


> I might be way off base here with this but when in a storm any port will do initially.
> 
> You say that he's addicted to porn and masturbates without you some 3 times (as far as you know) a week.
> 
> ...


Oh - I have seen his internet history. I used to be cool with him watching porn, cuz I do too. I never took it personally. He even has hundreds of bookmarks... On his bookmark bar... I naively thought that was kinky. I mean, i had a couple of playlists but no more. 

I used to occasionally look into his porn - he doesn't hide it or change his computer password - just to see if I could learn something to get him going. Or surprise him with something he likes. Three weeks ago I realized for the first time ongoing theme of his porn taste, which was 'kukold' if im allowed to say that here. I even asked him lovingly of that's something he wants to do, and he said no and that its just porn. He also said he likes that specific theme because the girls in those 'look different' (which I call BS bigtime) .

Then two weeks ago I saw another theme I hadn't realized. It was mostly japanese kukold porn... And so I watched one of them and... I was shocked. 

I can't even describe how degrading and borderline pedo/rape it was. I have seen and enjoyed japanese porn before but this was too much. Very young looking girls, usually school girls, which is his thing, being basically drugged and raped or forced while their father or husband is tied up ajd can either hear or see it. 

He has always been dominant, so my guess he likes this for the dominant kick in it. 

However what really kicked me while I was down is that my husband acts in bed an awful lot like the men did in that particular video. Same things going on, being the one to intitiate, enjoying his dominance, the way they kiss (which i made him stop), the girl being submissive and enjoying it despite being forced (which sometimes we roleplay but never in a rapey way). But anyway it made me realize why he likes those things and certain things we have done before. I can't describe the ew factor here...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your emotionally drained. he pushed the issue too far. Since the connection is gone, I am sure most if not all the attraction is gone with it. You still have a libido, but the character of your husband has made him unattractive to you.

Since he sounds clueless on this, and your the one seeking help, you need to learn to develop some time for you as a couple. Time to talk and have an open conversation. Let the conversation settle in, and perhaps in a day or two, discuss what conclusions each of you came up with. If an argument is arising, ask for a timeout for each of you to digest what the other was saying before the conversation got out of hand. When talking to each other, try and not attack. State your point of view from your emotional state, and state it as I feel as if. Own your emotions, and don't seek for him to validate them. Ask him for his input, and ask him for solutions. Make him involved in it and he may try harder. Compliment him on his good ideas, and when he does something well. It might make him feel safer.

I would love to give him advice, but your the one on here. This means you will have to take the initiative until he grows confidence. My best guess is he has low confidence in himself, and you may have an idea on what is bothering him.


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## CST (Dec 12, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Thank you. But I need to clarify.
> 
> I am NOT using sex as a weapon. I tried that so I know it doesn't work, and I used to give in before because I just really wanted to be intimate rather than angry.
> 
> ...


Thank you for clarifying. I like the previous suggestion on continuing to lure him away from porn and masturbation. It could be because of sensitivity also. Sex is very important in a relationship and I don't think it's asking too much to want to have it more than 2-3 times a month.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Maddie ,


First , sorry to know that you are suffering ; but the good thing is that you are stepping toward finding solutions; by coming here , which is great .

Appologies if some words below will be harsh , but it is social science ; i.e science ...
I am not sure if you are Arab yourself ; the only diff it makes is that in this case you might have been raised In an environment where a girl is tought to believe that love,sex and emotions are bad .Were you raised in a conservative env ?

being lebanese /Arab myself ,though I come from an open minded family; lived many years in Gulf ; I can a bit understand what your hub is feeling , I am not saying he is right but I beleieve the following is true ( correct me if I am wrong) : 

-your husband is punishing you because he feels betrayed by your lesbian thoughts/acts ; so in his perception if you tried lesbian , you cheated him almost ; so he is trying to say : I can go out of the norm too ! ( please emphasize wether he married you knowing that or it happened during your marriage ?).

-Your husband is not hiding his porn adiction ; which one is causing the other ?
- is it that because he is addicted you are having problems ?
or because you have problems he is going to porn ?

The first one is definetly an addiction but the second one will disappear automatically if your intimacy level is OK.

-"I just tend to space out and he catches me staring elsewhere with a flat expression. " : You don't express your feelings with him ; 

he might also be distanced from you emotionally ; do you usually keep things in your heart ; do you disconnect suddenly because of a small argument ? can you talk without arguing ?

do you build that china wall every time there is an argument ? 

Maddie , I feel that you resemble My wife ,you are both beautifull creature called women 

and may be I look like your Hub too ;I recall the first few years , and regret all the waste of time from both sides; I still don't know if wife regrets it too , but these are comon similar mistakes ;these are examples , and you try to read between lines : 

-she complained after 7-8 years that the bedroom we bought upon marriage was never the one she wanted ...

-The first 10-15 years , Vanilla ;trying things differently is always awkward to her : why should we try it if we are doing fine ; I don't deny that some of them are awkward to me know ; but at that time it shouldn't be a negative experience , it should pass without harsh mems.
In sex and intimacy , nothing , nothing is prohibited ( except I beleieve anal sex , from both religious and and health experience)

-when we argue about the color of the sky , puff I am punished that nigh / week ...

-she almost got a depression because she found out that husband is not a dad , he can not give uncondional love ...


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

*Solution :

-Your husband doesn't want your sex if you are not aroused ; he doesn't want duty sex.

-you put lingerie and sexy lipsticks , because you want to be exited not because you are trying to satisfy his need ; he can easily detect the difference; so only put them if you feel you want to do it ....

You need not obey him with all his desires ; you don't need to agree with him because he is the man ; but don't disconnect when there is an argument ; use soft words to show that you disagree :

-remember one imp thing , : Man they go to their cave ( xbox,hobbies , etc ...) - when they face a problem ; Women socialize when they have a problem .

- showing that you are unhappy in general means to a man that he failed to do his job .

And men express their love by sex and intimacy ;while women do it by romance .

I advise you to stop chasing his addiction ; clear out first your situation regarding lesbian thought ; admitting that it was not only a mistake , rather it is just a fantasy (if you believe you are not lesbian), and feel exited instead of showing you want intimacy ....

Then without really stressing on Porn addiction , start to find out alternatives to turn him on ; it could be an erotic story which could make both of you exited even without any pic ; or even if you MB in front of him ....

WHEN a man does MB in front of his female ; he is telling her that I don't need you ; when she does it in front of him ; she is calling him to join her ...


when he goes aggressive , slowly redirect him to normal pass , saying a nice word like Hon u hurt me .... not buy aggressive response unless it is dangerous act ....

You won't break if you had some aggressive sex by the wall of in Tub ; and the marks are warrior pleasure marks , not anthing else ...


you are both young ,immature , and have a lot to learn ; believe me when you become older you both will regret the moments and power wasted in vain ; 

Help him find the buttons that turns you on , that makes have real O ,real ones ...

when your sex experience takes hours instead of minutes ...then you are close to get 30 % of pleasure !


I experienced it very few times ; it was the most beautiful moments I will never forget ....






*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Did you cheat on him with your lesbian phase? I'm confused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just get out. He doesn't want to work on things, and he just doesn't want to let go of you. By showing him you mean it that this is unacceptable to you, you MIGHT get him to wake up. But I doubt it. 

C


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



ConanHub said:


> OP. Did you cheat on him with your lesbian phase? I'm confused
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I did not. Unless you consider a kiss I had with a girl as an experiment - that I got his Permission to do - cheating, then yes.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Zouz said:


> Maddie ,
> 
> 
> First , sorry to know that you are suffering ; but the good thing is that you are stepping toward finding solutions; by coming here , which is great .
> ...


Oh my God lol. I will need to get back to you on your posts, there seems to be a big misunderstanding.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I had the same problem in my marriage. XH preferred porn to having sex with me. Would not have sex with me when I initiated. To me, at the base of it is a power struggle. I couldn't continue to be in a relationship where my H wouldn't talk to me in a substantive way or be willing to compromise and let me get what I want too sometimes.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



manfromlamancha said:


> I am slightly confused - not too long ago - just some months - you were convinced that you preferred women to men. What suddenly changed ? Or has anything changed ? I would have thought that you would welcome him using porn instead of having sex with you. In your previous thread, you said you would cry whenever he had sex with you because it was robot sex for you.
> 
> This is certainly a change now. So what happened to lusting after women ?


I guess its hard to explain all this in a nutshell. Basically i have been bisexual all my life but repressed it until I left my religion and was able to accept it. When I did, it was like a boy going through puberty. women turned me on more than men, then men didn't anymore. But three months ago I went to visit family in texas for 6 weeks (thats the separation i was refering to) and saw a therapist and I realized this was not uncommon for bisexuals to be one sided for a while. But needless to say it freaked him and I out. I hated myself for it. I still had sex with him just not as frequent. After the trip and the therapy I realized I wasn't gay like I was afraid of, but am just bisexual. 

Anyways. To make things clear... When we got married 3 years ago I was attracted to men. I was definitely attracted to him. In fact mostly only him. I was a normal, seemingly straight muslim wife. Not more than 1-2 months went by when I realized how uninterested in sex he was. How incompatible sexually we were. It was 3-4 times a month (on a good month). He kept postponing and making excuses. 

This was wayyy before any phases started. 

2 years into the marriage, that's when I got confused about my sexuality. 

So we had very infrequent sex - for TWO years. 

I did not cause this in ANY WAY. 

What hurt me was that he was all over me before we got married. But sneaking around, we would only get that chance about once a month, but he never stopped trying (flirting, touching). Then after we got married , and I got to live with him and really see how often he wants it, I was surprised. 

Anyways when I got back from my trip I talked to him and told him I really am bisexual and that we agreed we would start over and put more effort into our marriage. We didn't celebrate anniversaries and rarely birthdays mostly cuz he wasn't ever a fan and tbh I was forgetful at times and gave up on that stuff cuz he wasn't into it. 
One of the things im working on is getting in shape and so is he, and then when i discovered the porn he said he would stop and then i found out he didn't. 

Im cutting him slack cuz this all happened so fast. 

I just hate that this issue has not been dealt with properly and i was a fool to it slide.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well if you're both committed, keep working. Your marriage is still pretty new and has already been through some very bizarre turns. Porn addiction is hard to break but not impossible. Even if he is not able to stop right away he needs to have a lot more sex with you. 

You should not slow down on sex. Try and view him in a positive light. Look at his good attributes and remember why you loved and married him in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
A few thoughts, In my opinion:

Porn is OK, but not if it interferes with normal intimacy. It looks like in this case it is interfering badly.

If he believes he is addicted to porn, is he willing to go to therapy?

I you are looking at Craigslist adds, you are seriously considering cheating. 

Why do you want to stay married when so many things are wrong. Does he make you happy?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> A few thoughts, In my opinion:
> 
> Porn is OK, but not if it interferes with normal intimacy. It looks like in this case it is interfering badly.
> ...


I don't know anymore. So many things have changed, not just us but me too. Going from Muslim to non Muslim was an unexpected rollercoaster for me. Waking up to my bisexuality was a kick in the gut. Hell, waking up to the fact that I married a man whom I knew had red flags but ignored them out of love was self betrayal. I was too weak, too timid, too nice and too afraid to speak uo when I should have. If I had just loved myself enough back then, I wouldn't be in this miss. 

I have only shown you guys the tip of the ice berg. There are many other things I could be mad about in our marriage, himself and I. 

This is just the current pressing issue. 

I just find myself so exhausted. I was getting anxiety attacks from how much self loathing ans anxiety I had about my sexuality. 

I have let myself down. I could have done better. And to be fair, so could he. He could of had a tall slim beautiful Egyptian girl who doesn't want the kind of intimacy that I do (not generalizing but a large number of Egyptian girls tend to be prudish/shy about sex).

I could have been with someone half American like me with a more western background , with less cultural barriers and less sexually repressed.

He has come a long way since I met him, I patiently educated him about so many things. He attributes his weight loss to me (i taught him a lot on that, my dad is a health nut) , his quranic beliefs (I taught him how hadiths were unreliable when I discovered that), his prolonged patience, his attitude change towards americans and foreigners, his prejudice about almost anything different than him (still working on that..).. So many things. 

He was a former drug addict (that he failed to mention to me until a week ago!), really overweight and a bad anger management case when I met him. But he was especially sweet to me and was a good friend, that I looked passed all that. Plus i had just gotten out of a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship prior to that. I was not in a very healthy place to make dating choices, my bad..


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Im sorry, I know this is all a basket case nightmare. I feel better just talking to everyone here, thanks for being so supportive.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



firebelly1 said:


> I had the same problem in my marriage. XH preferred porn to having sex with me. Would not have sex with me when I initiated. To me, at the base of it is a power struggle. I couldn't continue to be in a relationship where my H wouldn't talk to me in a substantive way or be willing to compromise and let me get what I want too sometimes.


It is a power struggle, isn't it! Makes a lot of sex. 

I don't blame him entirely. Seeing his parents, and knowing about his upbringing I guess I'm not too surprised. He too admitted to not knowing what he was doing when we got married, about the turning down sex thing. He is trying. I just don't think hard enough. And neither am I. Im just so tired. I want out. I have no energy to care anymore. I don't think I can do 30 or 40 more years of this. Im tired of him breaking things, im tired of him dumping all his anger and frustration on me, even if intended to talk it off. I'm tired if being a source of stress for him, where he feels he can never do or be enough. I dont want him to make me happy. Its a burden on him. Im trying to do that for myself now.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

My husband just proposed we go out every friday starting today (but i got sick n can't) for dinner. That's a step. I appreciate that.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

I just realized this thread should be in the sex sub forum.. Sorry about that, mods.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

It would be me or the hand. 

It looks like your husband made his choice.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



TheCuriousWife said:


> It would be me or the hand.
> 
> It looks like your husband made his choice.


How clear cut and decisive of you. I hope I can be the same


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Wow ,ur life is like a roller coaster  u have a long way.
Having known some more details I can tell u that irrespective of ur marriage issues u need to start working on urself 
If u don't work nor study u need to start 
One thing I see is that u knew about his issues and stayed and he knew about his issues and. Stayed
U still love each other don't give it up because it is not really better to start over with someone else

U need to sit with your husband and agree that u need to help each other in getting rid of ur deficiencies 

The first thing to agree on is that u should involve each other in any weakness u both have .tell him it is ok to watch porn from time to time ,u want to be with him ,don't like to watch but would like to be there ,when he is masturbating u sit near him


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Any bisexual thought should be shared with him not suppressed .forget now about religion ,the norm is to have a straight relation ,but will be also straighter to be by bi with ur husband in rather than alone .may god bless your soul ,and help you ,beleive in ethics if not religion better than nothing.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Zouz said:


> Wow ,ur life is like a roller coaster  u have a long way.
> Having known some more details I can tell u that irrespective of ur marriage issues u need to start working on urself
> If u don't work nor study u need to start
> One thing I see is that u knew about his issues and stayed and he knew about his issues and. Stayed
> ...


Thank you. Yes I am working on myself now. I believe a person is responsible for their happiness, so I'm stepping up. I think expecting someone else to make me happy is unrealistic and burdensome. 

I have tried getting involved with his masturbation and porn, but he didn't want me to. He's kinda finicky about certain things. He doesn't like recieving anything from me at all. 

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, im glad you read the rest of the thread .


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Zouz said:


> Any bisexual thought should be shared with him not suppressed .forget now about religion ,the norm is to have a straight relation ,but will be also straighter to be by bi with ur husband in rather than alone .may god bless your soul ,and help you ,beleive in ethics if not religion better than nothing.


I used to, I even got him excited about a threesome but he didn't really want one. After my 'lesbian'phase, I promised I wouldn't talk about that side of me anymore after I saw how much it hurt him.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

maddie , 

he is now in his cave ;he dosn't want to share things with you, when a man sees his women unhappy ; it hurts him because he will assume that he is failing in his duties ...

also your desires might not have been shared before the marriage so he feels betrayed maybe...

I believe what will make him happy and get out of his cave is to show him that you are really happy .


Do something wow for the new year ,it ranges from Sharam El sheikh to a a trip toward europe .

one imp thing now is to have the sex issue flow by itself ; the first thing to resolve is spending quality time together.

make a surprise for him ,
the best gift you can give him is that you show and feel really happy being married from him ...


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

You are thinking of not having sex with him to punish him for not having sex with you? That strikes me as irrational and a great way to start the end of your marriage.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



ThirtyYearsIn said:


> You are thinking of not having sex with him to punish him for not having sex with you? That strikes me as irrational and a great way to start the end of your marriage.


I said in this thread that im not seeking punishment. I'm trying to honor my feelings, which are hurt and digust. But I was asking if I should ignore them and move on because I'm unsure if doing so would encourage him to have sex with me or if that would teach him that it's okay to hurt my feelings. 

I have trust issues with my own feelings sometimes.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

In the grand scheme of Life, 

What is it you want, Maddie?

Do you have a quantifiable list of how you want your life to go?

It seems you're just kinda winging it...


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Revamped said:


> In the grand scheme of Life,
> 
> What is it you want, Maddie?
> 
> ...


I have been winging it most my life...that's a good question. I have a few things I wanna do but I'm focused on finishing my BA first. Ur right. I need a definite direction. I have a hard time making decisions as you can see...


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> #1
> Get the computer out of the house, get rid of Hus smartphone, if you need a computer, get rid of the internet at home.
> #2
> Craigslist... eww... I know what attracts you there, men with sexual enthusiasm, that's also what attracts your hubby to the porn. Don't ever reduce yourself to craigslist adds, that will backfire, and you might end up dead, or publicly humiliated. If the wrong person found out, it wouldn't matter how much porn your hubby watches, you will be the filthy craigslist skankbag.


Oh I just look for the sake of looking, not really interested in pursuing anyone on craigslist. Ew. Most of the time I'm on there just for curiosity. I used it as an example of how I look at personal ads or profiles or people around me that I fancy and wonder what it'd be like.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> #1
> Get the computer out of the house, get rid of Hus smartphone, if you need a computer, get rid of the internet at home.
> 
> I couldn't and wouldn't do that. I don't want to possess him.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Do you care about your marriage?

I mean, if he said let's call it quits, you'd be ok with that?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

He is playing xbox and you come in the room with lingerie on and he ignores you. I would wonder if he is getting it elsewhere.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



foolscotton3 said:


> let the porn possess him, and consume all his desires. Cause the porn isn't sharing well.


Porn is his choice. I don't want to force him to quit. Then he wouldn't be choosing me. I want to be the choice he makes.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Addiction isn't a choice. It's a sickness.

With most illness, it can be cured.

Could that be what you're apprehensive about?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Revamped said:


> Do you care about your marriage?
> 
> I mean, if he said let's call it quits, you'd be ok with that?


No I wouldn't be okay with it, at least not at first, but I would honor it. 

I used to care about our marriage, to be honest. Right up until this last porn incident. I tried so hard to fix my issues to give us another try and he's still choosing porn over me. 
It's becoming easier not to care by my slowly falling out of love with him. I feel like the lights in my eyes are going out, in this relationship. 

I can't catch a break. There's always some problem with either him or I. I'm growing tired of the struggle. I think he is too. But he is better than me, in that he always says he would never be the one to divorce. His way of saying he wouldn't give up.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

No, him saying he will never initiate divorce takes all the responsibility off him and into YOU.

A pr!ck move...

And you're buying the koolaid.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Revamped said:


> No, him saying he will never initiate divorce takes all the responsibility off him and into YOU.
> 
> A pr!ck move...
> 
> And you're buying the koolaid.


Really? Well then no wonder why I feel so ****ty and hesitant. 

He would say that in a loving way, that there isn't anything I could do to lose him and that if we ended, it would be only my choice.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What choice is it to eat crap or put up with sh!t?

It's basically gross, no matter how thinly it's sliced.

Look, you have "issues". But I don't think you can work out what you need to if he can't support you in a constructive way. Why? Because his "issues" need support too.

So, unless some grand gesture on either one of your parts decide to get into some counciling, you're both not only fooling the other, but yourselves as well.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I am not sure if In Egypt she will find professional help ...

But one main issue I raised before Maddie :

is porn addiction causing causing ssues with intimacy ?

or intimacy issues causing addiction ?

I am not pointing any finger ; I admire your honesty and perseverance but I have a strong feeling that u will be able to say yes ,he is addicted due to his own sickness only if your life is normal .

I used and still fantasize because my wife is so far fro me : 2 rooms away ...

so I am rarely doing it but I recall using porn as a replacement ...


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Zouz said:


> I am not sure if In Egypt she will find professional help ...
> 
> But one main issue I raised before Maddie :
> 
> ...


 His porn addiction, or preference, has caused us intimacy issues, not the other way around.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



Zouz said:


> I am not sure if In Egypt she will find professional help ...
> 
> But one main issue I raised before Maddie :
> 
> ...


I have always had a high sex drive. I am the one in the marriage that is interested in sex more than my husband. It is similar to your situation but in reverse and with a porn addiction.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I have always had a high sex drive. I am the one in the marriage that is interested in sex more than my husband. It is similar to your situation but in reverse and with a porn addiction.


بيعطي البندق لليلي ما الو اضراس ! 


Try to convert his adiction to another one healthier ...

erotic stories without pictures , there are nice and good ones on the web ; try to read one with him before going to sleep ; I bet you if you do it properly he will start fantasizing about you ....

The emotional link will grow bigger , and gradually relates to you ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think most of the problem here is that your husband is a sex addict. He is literally addicted to porn. There is a site that explains how that can physically happen. It is full of information that will help you to understand what the problem is. Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't see a marriage here.

Why don't the two of you split up?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Update:

Hubby and I had a heart to heart talk about this and worked things out. He even took some time off work and we were intimate a few times the past week. It was surprising and I felt connected to him again. Our tension faded and for the first time in a long time we were close emotionally even, like we used to be in the beginning.

Then tonight, as I used his laptop for us to watch something together, i found porn bookmarks all over his bookmark bar again, and his last visited porn pages out in plain sight. I think he may have forgotten about it cuz he was getting upset but didn't say anything. Avoiding conflict, I just went on to play us that video we wanted. 

The porn was the exact same kind, even the same titles from what I could glimpse. And i had promised I wouldn't snoop anymore.

The other day he even told me to check on him but he wasnt serious, at least i dont think he was.

I cant help but feel hurt. I thought he would try more than that. Maybe I wasn't clear.. Maybe he misunderstood, I don't know. I keep blaming myself. Maybe im not enough. Or making excuses, like maybe I was asleep ..or something. I hate confronting him cuz i feel like I have no real right to since i myself am not perfect and have my own share of flaws. Plus he gets all agitated and angry and starts either deflecting or doing the 'no one understands what i go through and no one cares or appreciates it to cut me some slack' routine or ' nothing in my life is going right, nothing' . -_-. I can't stand it when he does that but at same time he is under a lot of stress.

Im going to wait n see what happens. I don't care if watches porn if our sex life is okay. That's my only real complaint.

If he keeps it up in the bedroom, I won't say anything.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Don't let him pull the no one understands me crap, when he is the one deflecting and avoiding the issues. I am sure he is not trying to understand you at all. You have a communication, and understanding problem. The issues has not gone away, and the sex just masked it is all. That is the tricky thing about sex, it releases bonding hormones, but ask yourself this, does he understand you at all, and does he take his stress out on you, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way. Be honest with yourself, and ask if sex is enough.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Long story short, I have a high sex drive (or just normal) and he has a healthy sex drive with his hand and porn. I have been over this many times and am unsure of what to do.
> 
> He doesn't let me initiate (turns him off) and rejects me anyway, I have to end up waiting till he is in the mood.


??? What happened to "I don't want to have sex with men ever again. Or date a man." ??


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Maddie, Have you watched porn with him in an effort to make things better? If so, I think that may be part of what has been causing some of your issues. For most women who do this, it causes new problems.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*

When I came out to myself as bisexual about a year ago,it felt one sided for quite some time. Was a very confusing time. Thankfully It stopped and im attracted to men again. Yes it sounds crazy but thats what happened - but this was not a cause of our lack of sex, that was from the beginning.


vellocet said:


> ??? What happened to "I don't want to have sex with men ever again. Or date a man." ??


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Porn addicted hubby - Should I give into him?*



CynthiaDe said:


> Maddie, Have you watched porn with him in an effort to make things better? If so, I think that may be part of what has been causing some of your issues. For most women who do this, it causes new problems.


No, I only did that early in our marriage once, just for fun ,but we both didnt enjoy it very much. Too distracting during sex. 

I never had a problem with him watching porn until I realized (when we got married and lived together) it took priority over me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you gone to yourbrainonporn.com and read the articles on how porn impacts the brain? It might give you some insight. Your husband might be open to learning what he can do about his problem.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

The best defense is an offense. 

He needs to learn Real Men do Real Women, not Porn! But in his own way.

Get him the book Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. 

The book is not what you think and probably what he needs to add a level of manhood back into his mojo. He should then start weening himself off this crap and back into your life as a married couple.


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