# she loves me but nit in love



## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

after 20 years my wife told me she isnt in love with me.14 years of marriage and 3 children.one year ago to the day i caught my wife in a EA.I forgave her because I understand how it happened .I never cheated on my wife but I do admit I did take her for granted and neglected her.knowing this i knew that a change was nessesary.We were like two teens in love again we both admitted that we have't felt so in love or been so happy in years.The bliss lasted for about 4 months and she started pulling away.And on Jan 15 2012 she asked me to leave .Broken hearted i packed my bags and left .she has told me time after time its not because of him .It was a list of things that i didnt do that broke her .for five months we spent time together sometimes feeling like we were going to work on our marriage .but not so she moved out into an apartment telling me she is letting me go.so over the past nine months i have changed so many things about myself in a positive way .and I thank her for that because i have a very close relationship with my children.But no matter what i do it makes her angry or annoyed with me.Times she seems very happy spending time together and she realizes it and pumps the breaks and backs away .Reminding that we are getting a divorce and we should spend that kind of time together .Its just very hard emotionally and no matter what she says or does i cant let her go .....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yes you can, and you should.

Follow these items without backtracking and you should be a very strong person within weeks:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. I don't care how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is a very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm sorry bud, I'm in the same boat. Nothing we say or do helps. Its like a switch was turned off inside her. I'll let you know if I discover anything that helps. 

Syn has some good advice. The above has been helpful for me.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm reading about myself again...

She's done. Take her at her word and look at her like a sister instead of your wife. Or a blob or what ever undesirable thing you need to get through. She isn't safe and you can't change her mind. Plus even if you could would you want to? Let me give you some practical advise, she isn't over the other guy. If she hasn't done the work to prove to you she isn't talking to him, you are required to assume that she is or worse. That doesn't mean that you should dwell on it. Just acknowledge to yourself she made a deep emotional connection to someone else then left after 4 months of trying. Would you be over someone you risked a 14 year relationship for after 4 months? Not likely.

She has to play this out to the end for herself. You don't have to be there for it and shouldn't. Take care of those three beautiful gifts she gave you, because right now she isn't thinking of them, which gives you an opportunity to be an awesome father with minor additional investment.

Synth's advise is spot on.

GearHead

PS, She's pissed because your doing all the work she wanted you to do on your own years ago, but she was to cowardly to ask or say how much it mattered.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

This seems to be a disturbing trend. I'm not trying to female bash here but it seems like it is more often the women who suddenly falls out of love with the man or quits trying to work on the marriage. In today's society with the internet and so many more avenues to meet men, women seem to stray faster when the going gets slightly tough. Hence why after my recent divorce I likely wont remarry cause I just went thought the same thing. I am sorry you are going through this but it will help if you accept its over.


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

The biggest problem I have is that she is like Krytonite or Im like a drud addict .Im ok if I dont see her but our kids play sports and on saturday that means I Have to be around her all day.Thats when I get weak and I do and say things and I know in my its wrong but it just happens.Then Im all messed up for about 4 days better on ther 5th and 6th day then hello saturday and hello emotions ...


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

I know exactly how you feel. Its called codependency. Read up on it. For yourself. Breaking it will help you move forward and find happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Acknowledge that you don't want to get divorced, that you want to save it. Then acknowledge that she doesn't. Your inability to accept those to fundimental truths are keeping you shackled to her. Who says that you have to spend all day with her? I know what is coming next, you don't want to upset the kids. Let me give you another truth, they are already upset. They sense the strain between you two and hurt that you aren't together. You trying to be the bigger man and not make everyone feel bad, but it is taking you 5 days to get over the interactions you are having. It likely isn't taking her that long or your kids. 

Be a bastard. They expect it. They tell your former couple friends all about the slightest thing that will gain them favor and selling it till the cows come home. You aren't impressing anyone and the resentment over you acting this way likely coming out at the wrong time. Like when you do have serious issue and you bring this truckload of hurt, rejection, and pain into the conversation. Let it go.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> This seems to be a disturbing trend. I'm not trying to female bash here but it seems like it is more often the women who suddenly falls out of love with the man or quits trying to work on the marriage. In today's society with the internet and so many more avenues to meet men, women seem to stray faster when the going gets slightly tough. Hence why after my recent divorce I likely wont remarry cause I just went thought the same thing. I am sorry you are going through this but it will help if you accept its over.


Its the internet. Everything looks like an epidemic on the internet.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Went through exactly the same thing as you. You can blame the internet, global warming and the little red men on Mars but it doesnt change the simple single truth - She chose this path (not you). It doesnt matter that its easier to meet people, you still dont make a connection beyond platonic unless you CHOOSE to. 

You need to take a look at those links that synthetic provided and in particular the 180. It works...trust me. You may or may not get her back but you will get your self respect and independance back if you CHOOSE to. Life and marriage is about choices and its a partnership that both people are committed to. If one person chooses not to, then its doomed. I know this may sound cold but in reality, a happy, healthy you is what you and your kids need. Its tough but work through it. Here is a link I posted recently about my story and my coming through it at the other side if you are interested....http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/54578-1-year-later-update.html


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

My biggest problem is that I dont have a gray with her .It black or white I struggle with that.Its over the top or nothing at all.Tomorrow being Saturday I WILL use the 180 ....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

new man 0214 said:


> My biggest problem is that I dont have a gray with her .It black or white I struggle with that.Its over the top or nothing at all.Tomorrow being Saturday I WILL use the 180 ....


Are you in counseling?


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

yean I go to conseling twice a month...she said from the beginning thats its to late for MC


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

new man 0214 said:


> yean I go to conseling twice a month...she said from the beginning thats its to late for MC


What was your childhood like?

How about hers?


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What was your childhood like?
> 
> How about hers?


Mine was normal .. I was mommys little boy 

Hers was strict . She was daddy's little girl and he always kept her at arms length
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

*Re: she loves me but not in love*

So for today being a saturday I am not in a horrible emotional state and have shed no tears today .I really wish I found this site 8 months ago.Today was limited conversation it wasnt easy but i did it with a smile on my face.even though i was torn inside.


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

Ok as I sit here all alone on a holiday weekend which has always been a family thing .Im getting really pissed off .What is stuck in the back of my mind is last year when i caught her in her EA why wouldnt she just walk away then?why waste time for four months and have from what she said was the happiest days of her life.In my first post I said I forgave her .I did when she begged and cried as she put my wedding ring back on my finger and said that she loved me and she was sorry.At that time I was ready to walk away but I didnt .But as I sit here by myself and torn asking why did she put me through this .even if she said from the point of finding out that she wasnt happy and we needed to work on our marriage and that if we tried and i wasnt right then it would be over.I think I could have lived with that.But here I sit.......


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

new man 0214 said:


> Ok as I sit here all alone on a holiday weekend which has always been a family thing .Im getting really pissed off .What is stuck in the back of my mind is last year when i caught her in her EA why wouldnt she just walk away then?why waste time for four months and have from what she said was the happiest days of her life.In my first post I said I forgave her .I did when she begged and cried as she put my wedding ring back on my finger and said that she loved me and she was sorry.At that time I was ready to walk away but I didnt .But as I sit here by myself and torn asking why did she put me through this .even if she said from the point of finding out that she wasnt happy and we needed to work on our marriage and that if we tried and i wasnt right then it would be over.I think I could have lived with that.But here I sit.......


Is she still with the posOM?


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

spun said:


> Is she still with the posOM?


Exactly my thought. I'm guessing OM got back into the picture...OR.....he was never gone...just went underground. I'd try to figure out that question.


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

she told me that they have gone on dates but they arent dating nor does she have a boyfriend


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

new man 0214 said:


> she told me that they have gone on dates but they arent dating nor does she have a boyfriend


Well...you didn't actually expect her to admit that she's been with him all along, did you. You need to look at phone records. Maybe it is too late...maybe not. But, if she actually HAS been screwing around all along (since you discovered the "EA")....wouldn't that go a long way toward helping you disconnect? Are you SURE it was only an EA that you discovered?


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

i just recentlly transfered her phone into her name and untill that point approx 6 months there was no unusual activity on the phone .but the last few months I have no clue .She got an apartment in may and i moved back in the house .my gut feeling is that she is not with him .and if she is this guy has no chance because she has problems ..she is in a very Its ALL about me mode right now


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

new man 0214 said:


> she told me that they have gone on dates but they arent dating nor does she have a boyfriend


Believe nothing of what she says that you have not verified yourself.

Lies and half truths are in an important part of playbook.


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

oh I get the feeling when we did spend time together or as a family and had the best of times .The things she would tell me after was coming from someone in her ear .for example on 4th of july we spent the day together at the beach .was one of the best days we ever spent together as a family in a long time.smiles laughing and there was nothing uncomfortable at all.The very next morning I get a text saying that we cant spend time together like that anymore because we are getting a divorce and the kids and I need to understand that .


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

this is when it hits me the hardest.my kids are back my wife till next week .......


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

new man 0214 said:


> this is when it hits me the hardest.my kids are back my wife till next week .......


Yes. The switch is always tough. Takes me a a about a day to gain my footing again.

Your not alone in your pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

on a positive note I miss my kids and her not so much this week


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

new man 0214 said:


> on a positive note I miss my kids and her not so much this week


Keep it up. You are moving in the right direction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

Need some advice .My youngest sons birthday was the 6th we had a b day party for him .untill this point I have been doing the 180.And for the party she has been and the preperations she has been more on the social side .Still keeping my answers to the point.At the party she was more pleasent than months past.So my problem is that her b day is the 9th .what do I do ? get her a simple gift ?gift from the kids only?A card ?confused ....and to mention my b day is the 12th .Usually a very fun week ..


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You get her absolutely nothing. Not a single word either.

Don't answer your phone if she calls or text on your BD either.


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## new man 0214 (Aug 31, 2012)

synthetic you will be happy to know that no gifts and no words today .she text me this morning about letting her know when the kids where with me .she dropped them off at church.


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