# She told me ILYBNILWY



## coleputt (Nov 24, 2017)

Hello everyone, I am not sure if this is allowed since I am not married but was only in a LTR of 4 years. My ex-girlfriend is 20 and I am 22 and we have been living with each other for the past 2 years as we moved to a new city together. On October 1st my world came crashing down. My story is long but I will start from the beginning, I really hope someone can give me some advice here. 

On the 1st of October after she had gone to bed and I got this extremely strange feeling that something was genuinely wrong. I have NEVER had this feeling before and I almost can't even describe it. I decided that I should do a little bit of snooping and checked her text messages. After going into the texts I see her friend is referring to another guy named Kyle jokingly as her boyfriend. I wasn't sure who Kyle was as I had never heard of him. I went out and saw my GF was in fact texting a guy named Kyle . After reading the texts a bit more, it seemed he was a coworker and they had been talking for the past 3 days fairly obsessively and slowly the texts were getting a little more flirty. Nothing too out of control but borderline. However, I also read she had gone to his house that night and watched TV while eating popcorn. She never mentioned she was going to anyones house to me. After having a mild panic attack, I took a few minutes to breath and casually woke her up asking her how her day went and what she did today. She never mentioned anything about going to his house. So, I casually asked again, and she said that was all she did. Finally after the third time of asking still very calm, she gave in and dropped the bomb admitting she did actually go to his house but it was just as friends. Drama ensued and I instantly cut her loose in the heat of the moment. We spent the next 24 hours with her begging for me back, but I told her that we were done. Finally, I gave in and decided she would have to cut all contact with this guy and my trust was now going to be on the edge. She agreed and I agreed to fix some stuff about myself that she claimed she wasn't happy about. She discussed that she was talking to this guy because we were currently having problems in our relationship and he made her laugh. Emotionally Cheating. I completely flip and I am now the dream boyfriend, all the problems she claimed to be having, I fixed, plus more.

Anyways, after about a week with our relationship being a little on edge and awkward, she tells me she has been up all night. I can tell something is clearly wrong with her. She tells me we can discuss it after we have breakfast with my family. Finally, we get back into the car and she bursts into tears. She claims she has been secretly talking to this guy at work still over messenger for the past 3 days. Once again, I was completely torn, I thought we were slowly going to be done with this mess. She claims that she has admitted that she has some feelings for him and he has admitted feelings for her. She claims this is more than just a crush and she is always thinking about this guy. They have so much in common and this and that. She goes on to talk about how our relationship has been so hard since we moved in and yada yada. This is where she begins rewriting history, making everything in our relationship seem much worse than it actually was. Once again, we agree she is going to stop talking to this guy and all of her friends have even told her to do the same. (Except one, which I will get into later)

Suddenly, she starts to become really-really distant and weird. She begins shutting me out, saying she needs to move in with her sister for awhile. And just all around getting even more weird. This causes some serious friction but this is what we do for awhile. She admits she is still talking to this guy in person at work because he "acted sad" when she told him they couldn't talk anymore. At this point, we have a 3 week vacation to Europe planned in 3 weeks and I just want to make it to that vacation because the guy will no longer be working there when we get back and it will allow her to spend quality time with me. Then, after she continues to be weird and distant for another few days, giving me "I don't know" answers to everything I knew she was about to end our relationship. She was supposed to go run an errand then we were supposed to meet up for lunch and a movie. However, we end up meeting up after her errand and sure enough she breaks up with me on October 16th. I was devastated. I find out she was at the guys house before she brokeup with me for a house party he was having then again after she broke up with me she went back. Over the course of the next month she continues to give different reasons for the breakup, all often changing once I bring them up later saying "No, thats not really a problem". However, she has said multiple times one of her reasonings is because she "loves me but is not in love with me". I am mind blown, this isn't who my girlfriend is. She was MADLY in love with me literally the day before she started texting this guy. Talking about marriage and how she could never picture herself with someone else. The whole 9 yards. 

Anyways, we continued to talk for the next few weeks before the vacation that we still planned to go on.... There was some more lying that she was doing about this guy even after we had broken up. Finally the vacation came around and the whole time she was texting the guy. We continued to fight off and on during the vacation, she was very cold most of the time and every fight revolved around the relationship or the other guy. She was constantly rewriting history saying our relationship was horrible and im a horrible person and this and that. The vacation ended without reconciliation and I told her it would be best if she didn't talk to me anymore for my own sake. Letting her know I deserve better than to be a second choice to another guy and this and that. I tell her to text when she is coming to the house over the next few days and I will make sure I am not here. She is moving out on the 30th and staying with a friend in the meantime. 

Anyways, here I am, it has been almost 6 days since we last spoke and I am really torn. I madly love this chick and I know this isn't who she is. Although she has her problems, we all do, she was the sweetest girl I have ever met and would never have wanted to hurt me. Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? I know she never did anything physical before we broke up, but I believe something physical may have happened after we broke up. She is so caught up in this guy thinking life is going to be a fairytale with him. We were in a bit of a rough patch before all this happened, but as I said, this came out of the blue for the most part. One of the reasons why she went and hung out with this guy in the first place is because her friend (Who has cheated multiple times) told her to go test it out. I really need some help here, I want to snap her out of whatever this fog is that she is in. They aren't dating yet, I know that. Do I have any hope?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Strength is a universal attractant, weakness a universal turn off. 

Tell her you agree a break is a good idea and you should both actively date other people. When she asks if you’ve met anyone, don’t play games just tell her that topic is off limits in both directions while you are apart.






coleputt said:


> Hello everyone, I am not sure if this is allowed since I am not married but was only in a LTR of 4 years. My ex-girlfriend is 20 and I am 22 and we have been living with each other for the past 2 years as we moved to a new city together. On October 1st my world came crashing down. My story is long but I will start from the beginning, I really hope someone can give me some advice here.
> 
> On the 1st of October after she had gone to bed and I got this extremely strange feeling that something was genuinely wrong. I have NEVER had this feeling before and I almost can't even describe it. I decided that I should do a little bit of snooping and checked her text messages. After going into the texts I see her friend is referring to another guy named Kyle jokingly as her boyfriend. I wasn't sure who Kyle was as I had never heard of him. I went out and saw my GF was in fact texting a guy named Kyle . After reading the texts a bit more, it seemed he was a coworker and they had been talking for the past 3 days fairly obsessively and slowly the texts were getting a little more flirty. Nothing too out of control but borderline. However, I also read she had gone to his house that night and watched TV while eating popcorn. She never mentioned she was going to anyones house to me. After having a mild panic attack, I took a few minutes to breath and casually woke her up asking her how her day went and what she did today. She never mentioned anything about going to his house. So, I casually asked again, and she said that was all she did. Finally after the third time of asking still very calm, she gave in and dropped the bomb admitting she did actually go to his house but it was just as friends. Drama ensued and I instantly cut her loose in the heat of the moment. We spent the next 24 hours with her begging for me back, but I told her that we were done. Finally, I gave in and decided she would have to cut all contact with this guy and my trust was now going to be on the edge. She agreed and I agreed to fix some stuff about myself that she claimed she wasn't happy about. She discussed that she was talking to this guy because we were currently having problems in our relationship and he made her laugh. Emotionally Cheating. I completely flip and I am now the dream boyfriend, all the problems she claimed to be having, I fixed, plus more.
> 
> ...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As someone that is old enough to be your mother, I encourage you to work on moving on. 

Do you have hobbies? What about a supportive group of friends? Do you have a sport or physically challenging activity you like? You need to stay busy so that you don't keep thinking of her. 

Also, as soon as she's done getting her stuff and moving out on the 30th, you need to block her from your social media, cellphone, and any other methods of communication. 

And finally, there will be other girlfriends. Give yourself some time to mourn the relationship but don't let the breakup consume you. When you are ready, get back out there and have fun. You are only 22 years old.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dust the skank dust off your ass and move on.

I would work on you and your interests to become as healthy an individual as you can.

She might become a good woman later in life but I wouldn't wait while she uses her birth canal as a parking garage for all the guys she wants to try out.

Women are generally more attracted to men who don't hold them up on a pedestal in the heavens.

Become your own man. She might notice but who gives a **** honestly?

She breaks her relationship because of an attraction and a cheating friend's advice?

She's no good man. Take some you time and enjoy the freedom. Don't jump into another relationship right away but don't be afraid to socialize.

I know it hurts but better to find out what she is now instead of after marriage and children.

You need to clear your eyes and see her for what she is.

She isn't priceless. She doesn't belong on a pedestal. She isn't even worth the time and effort a real woman deserves.

Peace.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> *Dust the skank dust off your ass and move on.*
> 
> I would work on you and your interests to become as healthy an individual as you can.
> 
> ...


Conan, c'mon man, really? 

These are young, young people. Breakups happen all of the time. This is the first of probably several more. Using disparaging language like that to describe the ex is only going to make this young man hate women.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Conan, c'mon man, really?
> 
> These are young, young people. Breakups happen all of the time. This is the first of probably several more. Using disparaging language like that to describe the ex is only going to make this young man hate women.


I did make reference to real women deserving his attention and that she might grow into one eventually.

OP, don't hate women. Just women that behave like morons and don't let your hate consume you.

I despise behavior like your ex has exhibited and being in your twenties is no excuse.

I hate moronic behaving people like I hate dog poop on the rug.

Clean it up and forget about it.

I have no use for men skanks either Lila. It is just who I am.

I am revolted by that kind of behavior.

His ex treated him like poop for a fresh face and the advice of a cheating friend.

Hate the behavior and attitude of your ex OP and steer clear of people that fickle in the future.

Don't hate all women. Some actually respect their birth canal LOL!

I am a barbarian. Didn't want to offend good women out there!:grin2:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lila,
Agreed - they aren’t married and are very young. 

Conan,
Not proud of it but I did cheat on some girlfriends before getting married. 

Have never cheated on my wife despite repeatedly having totally safe opportunities to do so during international business trips. 

Some folks will say that I was a ‘insert bad word here’ and grew out of it. Others would just say the standard is different for young unmarried folk. 







Lila said:


> Conan, c'mon man, really?
> 
> These are young, young people. Breakups happen all of the time. This is the first of probably several more. Using disparaging language like that to describe the ex is only going to make this young man hate women.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I will advise you what I would advise 22 year me if I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now - move on. Don't look back. 

Yes, this is heartbreaking and hurts like a mutha' but it is part of life and it is every bit as much of a learning and life experience as anything you will ever learn in a university. 

You are young and have been with this chick for almost a 5th of your life. You need to get out and meet new people, do new and different things and date other women. 

Break ups are a fact of life and a critical life skill that everyone needs to know how to deal with. 

Pursue hobbies, chase dreams, hang out with buddies, get in the gym and burn off frustrations. 

Don't do anything unhealthy like trying to drink/drug your pain and sorrow away. Don't isolate yourself or sit and pine for her. 

It's ok to grieve a loss, but like all losses, life goes on and moving on and living a good life is the best way to heal and recover from this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He might be a young, young person, learning about break ups, but he also needs to start learning about being a man that has the balls and confidence to cut right away relationships where he is being taken for a fool. This young man has been playing the weak, pick me role, while waiting and hoping for the girl to decide if she's picking him. 

OP, you are just starting to learn the lessons in life about relationships. At your age you still have a few more break ups to go. Just start to learn to be able to break up without giving your integrity and self respect as a man. Be strong, act strong and don't let any other woman lose your self respect ever again. That's what you just did with this young woman. Next time a woman does what this young woman did, just walk away forever from her with your head high up and show her you're not her play toy and that you're done with her, no matter how much pain you feel inside.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Additionally, there is something inside all of us that makes us feel that the person we are currently with is our one and only true love and that if this relationship tanks, that we will never find love again and we will wander the streets barren and destitute only to die alone and get eaten by our cats. 

This is all a totally false notion of course. 

I advise people to follow their gut instincts in most instances, but this one instinct that is dead wrong. 

You will find love and joy and happiness again (and will likely experience a number of more break ups as well) You just have to shake off this situation and move on with your own life to experience them again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> Lila,
> Agreed - they aren’t married and are very young.
> 
> Conan,
> ...


And I would have referred to you in the same derogatory way.

I was a male ho but an honest, non cheating one.

Leaving bad behavior behind is definitely a recommendation of mine and the fickle lady in question sure needs to but right now she doesn't deserve any more consideration from OP than taking out the trash.

Her behavior can't be pinned on the young, just the unfaithful.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

coleputt said:


> Anyways, here I am, it has been almost 6 days since we last spoke and I am really torn. I madly love this chick and *I know this isn't who she is*. Although she has her problems, we all do, she was the sweetest girl I have ever met and would never have wanted to hurt me.


 This is exactly who she is. She's not acting like someone else. A demon didn't overtake her body and make her do and say these things. It's her. Believe her.




coleputt said:


> *Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? *


 Yes, you can cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Learn and grow from this. There are lots of wonderful women out there who will not betray you. She isn't one of them.




coleputt said:


> I know she never did anything physical before we broke up, but I believe something physical may have happened after we broke up.


 Trust your gut. Of course something physical happened with him. You may not think they are dating, but what does that even mean! They are hanging out together and likely having sex. Who cares if they don't go out for dinner and movie. She has traded you in for this guy and you trying to win her back is not going to do you any good. One she isn't into you anymore and two, you don't need to be treated like that. 



coleputt said:


> She is so caught up in this guy thinking life is going to be a fairytale with him. We were in a bit of a rough patch before all this happened, but as I said, this came out of the blue for the most part. One of the reasons why she went and hung out with this guy in the first place is because her friend (Who has cheated multiple times) told her to go test it out. I really need some help here, I want to snap her out of whatever this fog is that she is in. They aren't dating yet, I know that. Do I have any hope?


 You are making excuses for her betrayal. If she isn't willing to be an adult and work through something with you, she is not someone who has your back. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with someone who will turn on you at a moments notice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know that you are very sad but I think that you have had a lucky escape. 
If she is going to stray every time you have a little bad patch what then? How will she act when the REAL hrd times come up?
She is very immature and clearly not ready for a faithful marriage.

BTW I do know that many people of your age do have good long marriages. I know 2 women of my age who married at age 19 and are still happily married 42 years later. However your girlfriend doesn't seem ready and is trying to blame you for her bad behaviour.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> BTW I do know that many people of your age do have good long marriages. I know 2 women of my age who married at age 19 and are still happily married 42 years later. However your girlfriend doesn't seem ready and is trying to blame you for her bad behaviour.


Which means your friend got married in 1975.

I'm sorry but that is not applicable to today's world and IMHO this is not the message that we should be relating to today's youth.

It was a different culture for 19 year women in 1975. People were raised differently and it was a different world - especially for women. 

Teens and early 20-something's have no business thinking about marriage in today's world (just my HO of course)

Yes your friend may not have divorced or gotten widowed in 42 years but that doesn't mean that she and/or her husband haven't been miserable much of it. I hope she has a happy, healthy marriage but many of these people that married young generations ago and are still married today shouldn't be.

Especially in the face of infidelity. Yes a chump can often remain legally married if they suck it up and eat the $h1+ sandwich and live a life of disrespect, manipulation and soul-crushing humiliation. 

That's not the message I want portray to today's youth. 

I ate the $h1+ sandwich for awhile when I was the OP's age and swore to myself never again.

If I could go back in time and talk to YOUNGshirt, I would tell him to walk away and never look back and only move forward with my life.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Coleputt, you are on the heartbroken end of the infamous Thanksgiving Turkey Drop where college students break up. A modified version but a big week for young adult breakups non the less. 

You are 22, she is 20. She gets to change her mind. That just how it works. There is no magic conversation to change her mind back. She has already been intimate with him and now she wants him and not you. Even of she were to come back to you it's only because she no longer liked him or he tired of her. If she makes a play to come back always remember you were 2nd best when it mattered most. Personally, after what she has done I would completely cut her out of my life and just tell her being friends is off the table going forward. She could not even respect a 3 week vacation without encouraging the guy to interfere. That alone must have been horrible to endure. Just hit the delete button on all social media. You don't need reminders of her. 

Your next girlfriend examine her friends closely. This one had a toxic friend(s) who encouraged her to cheat on you. Keep that in mind. You can tell a lot about a person by looking at the ethics and morals of their closest friends. It did not take a lot to sway your GF to start flirting with this OM. Her claims that your relationship had problems (that clearly you were not aware of) ring hollow among seasoned wise adults. We have heard that a 10000 times on this board and is always a lie. She cheated because she wanted to and now making up criticisms so she can look at herself in the mirror. Its called being deluded. Whatever, you are young enough 25 years from now believe me you, You will not give a damn about her. She will just be the ahole who ruined a 3 week vacay. A story you tell at a bar about the crappiest gf's ever. 

Next girl you move in know her for at least a year or 2 and put an engagement ring on her finger first. Not foolproof but tells you she is really serious about a commitment.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Be a goddamn man. You go to the AP and you tell him that he is running after an attached woman. If he laughs in your face, you go to HR at his company and you tell him that he started up with another employee. That emplyee is attached and you demand that he be fired or you will sue. Whether you want her further or not, fuxk up his life. Then you go to her, and tell her exactly what you have done. Tell her you do not give one holy shi+ what she feels, she messed with the wrong guy. Tell her her life will not be worth a wooden nickel when you are done. There are any number of wimpy people on this site that will say, Oh no!!!! You can't be petty or small or what the fucx else. Women like when a man takes control of a situation, and in this case...Just to let you know, I was the cheater, she cheated back, however, she was getting attached to the little shi+. I went forth and did what I had to. When I found out they worked together, I went to her office to talk to the boss. Instead I ran into her AP. My temper got the best of me and I ended up assaulting him. No police were called as her company was a hot-bed of illegals, so police would call immigration and the company would be out of business fast. When the boss came out of his office, both my wife and her little fuxker were fired. Her AP unleashed a stream of profanity at my wife that was epic in proportions. In front of her entire office, she got a blow by blow of all of her physical shortcomings, inclusive of the size of her posterior, the lack of firmness to her breasts, and her lack of prowess in the bedroom. It was not said as nicely as I put it. Her GF's working in the office, were suddenly keeping their heads down, one in particular, who I knew sort of pushed this, was told by me that her husband had already gotten a phone call, and he was righteously pissed. (I knew her history, and told him in no uncertain terms that she'd screwed around on a number of guys). My wife took off for home, without a job, lover or husband. AND, she did not realize that her industry was highly incestuous, and nobody would hire her. She went through most of our reconciliation period, jobless. Without that, and me dutifully turning over my pay, we likely would never have reconciled.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Dust the skank dust off your ass and move on.
> 
> I would work on you and your interests to become as healthy an individual as you can.
> 
> ...


Threadjack: This is a great example that belongs on the other thread about why there are more men posting than women on TAM.

This young girl had the audacity to start to have feelings for someone else. She broke up with him, GASP! 

The OP and his ex were not married; there were not engaged. It was a messy break-up and they went back and forth for a while, but the ex told him about it. It is pretty typical of young behaviors in this area. She was not beholden to him. 

The young girl did not leave "skank dust" and speaking about her "birth canal as a parking garage" is just sexist and disrespectful IMO. Really gross. /Threadjack
@coleputt, I am sorry that you are heartbroken. You have the right idea about maintaining boundaries. This was not the right girl for you, and one day you'll find the right woman and thank your stars that this happened when it did. You are young, you're not married, you have no kids together where there would be a reason for the two of you to try to work it out. You are free and it will work to your advantage later on. 

The best book I've read on relationships is "His Needs, Her Needs". I don't know that anything in the book would have helped you keep your relationship, unless your ex would have read it and maintained better boundaries. But it might come in useful later on day the road. Your fastest route to recovery is to accept that is over and to focus on improving your life: get used to living alone, think about things you'd like to do and then go do them, further your school/career, working out, etc. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you're smart you block her on everything and move on.

It'll hurt but you'll gain wisdom and experience.

Don't be one of those needy, clingy puppy dogs that think she's the only one and the worlds gonna end,

She's nothing special and the sun will come up in the morning.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Be a goddamn man. You go to the AP and you tell him that he is running after an attached woman. If he laughs in your face, you go to HR at his company and you tell him that he started up with another employee. That emplyee is attached and you demand that he be fired or you will sue. Whether you want her further or not, fuxk up his life. Then you go to her, and tell her exactly what you have done. Tell her she either gets back with you or you will fxck up her world. Be a goddamn man. She don't like it, she gets the fuxk out of your world.


Taxman, they aren't married. HR won't give a damn under these circumstances.

Just cut her loose, coleputt, and chalk it up to a lesson learned. And count your blessings while you're at it. Better now than further down the road when your lives are really entangled with kids, finances, etc.

Feel for you tho', brother. Still hurts like hell.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Which means your friend got married in 1975.
> 
> I'm sorry but that is not applicable to today's world and IMHO this is not the message that we should be relating to today's youth.
> 
> ...


 Both my friends are happily married, I know them. I agree that young people today are generally much more immature than they were then. I worked full time from 18, bought my first home aged 20, had my first child aged 21 and my second aged 24. We thought nothing of it. 
One of my own children has been with her partner for 11 years. Since they were aged 21 and 22. Also I know couples today who have married in their late teens/early 20's.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I agree it is best to let this relationship go.

Work on yourself. Being happy with yourself. Knowing yourself. Then reflect. What in this relationship could have been better from your prospective? We're any of her complaints valid? How did you become the perfect boyfriend in three days? Most women don't really want to date for four years. It indicates lack of interest and commitment.

Make a list of traits you'd like in a woman. When dating if you decide you like one enough to make a girlfriend look at your list. If she doesn't have those traits don't stick around or drag it out.


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## coleputt (Nov 24, 2017)

Wow! I wish I could respond to everyone of you but I can't. I appreciate all of the replies and you are all helping me tremendously. Seriously. I'll try to respond to a few of you though...



Rob_1 said:


> He might be a young, young person, learning about break ups, but he also needs to start learning about being a man that has the balls and confidence to cut right away relationships where he is being taken for a fool. This young man has been playing the weak, pick me role, while waiting and hoping for the girl to decide if she's picking him.
> 
> OP, you are just starting to learn the lessons in life about relationships. At your age you still have a few more break ups to go. Just start to learn to be able to break up without giving your integrity and self respect as a man. Be strong, act strong and don't let any other woman lose your self respect ever again. That's what you just did with this young woman. Next time a woman does what this young woman did, just walk away forever from her with your head high up and show her you're not her play toy and that you're done with her, no matter how much pain you feel inside.


Yes, I totally admit, I have played myself to be a bit of a doormat in this situation since it started. However, being a "man that has balls" and cutting her loose entirely is much easier said than done unfortunately



oldshirt said:


> Additionally, there is something inside all of us that makes us feel that the person we are currently with is our one and only true love and that if this relationship tanks, that we will never find love again and we will wander the streets barren and destitute only to die alone and get eaten by our cats.


Yep, although I know I will find someone else in the back of my mind eventually, shaking the thought of uncertainty is the hard thing. Thank you for the reply!



CynthiaDe said:


> This is exactly who she is. She's not acting like someone else. A demon didn't overtake her body and make her do and say these things. It's her. Believe her.
> 
> 
> Yes, you can cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Learn and grow from this. There are lots of wonderful women out there who will not betray you. She isn't one of them.
> ...


Yep. You nailed it, I am treating this situation as if there are others to blame but you are right nothing took her body over. All of her final actions are on her. I will say though, I am %100 positive she has still not had full on sexual interactions with this man due to some personal issues she has. Maybe they've done something not involving penetration? Totally possible. Thanks for the reply!



Diana7 said:


> I know that you are very sad but I think that you have had a lucky escape.
> If she is going to stray every time you have a little bad patch what then? How will she act when the REAL hrd times come up?
> She is very immature and clearly not ready for a faithful marriage.


I really appreciated this reply because these are things I told her before I cut contact. Thank you!



Slartibartfast said:


> "loves me but is not in love with me"
> 
> Translation: I don't hate you. I don't want you dead of rectal cancer. I hope you have a really good life. I don't love you. I once did, but do not now and will not again.


I dunno.... I feel that she is comparing the butterflys she began to develop when she started talking to this guy to the feeling she has with me after 4 years. I feel she is "in love" with me, but she isnt "in lust" with me and is confusing herself. Maybe i'm wrong.


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## coleputt (Nov 24, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Be a goddamn man. You go to the AP and you tell him that he is running after an attached woman. If he laughs in your face, you go to HR at his company and you tell him that he started up with another employee. That emplyee is attached and you demand that he be fired or you will sue. Whether you want her further or not, fuxk up his life. Then you go to her, and tell her exactly what you have done. Tell her she either gets back with you or you will fxck up her world. Be a goddamn man. She don't like it, she gets the fuxk out of your world.


LOL. Well, here is the deal, I really-really wanted to go talk to the guy. However, I was really hoping I could rely on her to cut contact on her own. I guess she failed that test. 



Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Personally, after what she has done I would completely cut her out of my life and just tell her being friends is off the table going forward. She could not even respect a 3 week vacation without encouraging the guy to interfere. That alone must have been horrible to endure. Just hit the delete button on all social media. You don't need reminders of her.
> 
> Your next girlfriend examine her friends closely. This one had a toxic friend(s) who encouraged her to cheat on you. Keep that in mind. You can tell a lot about a person by looking at the ethics and morals of their closest friends. It did not take a lot to sway your GF to start flirting with this OM. Her claims that your relationship had problems (that clearly you were not aware of) ring hollow among seasoned wise adults.


Exactly how I felt. I wanted to put her in my shoes so badly during the vacation. How she'd feel if I was doing this BS. LOL. Well, unfortunately she wasn't friends with this new girl until after we moved to the new city. Since we've moved she hasn't made too many friends, which is why I think this friend is still around. Yes, I was aware there were some problems in our relationship but I was far from aware that they were to the extent she is demanding. 



RoseAglow said:


> @coleputt, I am sorry that you are heartbroken. You have the right idea about maintaining boundaries. This was not the right girl for you, and one day you'll find the right woman and thank your stars that this happened when it did. You are young, you're not married, you have no kids together where there would be a reason for the two of you to try to work it out. You are free and it will work to your advantage later on.
> 
> The best book I've read on relationships is "His Needs, Her Needs". I don't know that anything in the book would have helped you keep your relationship, unless your ex would have read it and maintained better boundaries. But it might come in useful later on day the road. Your fastest route to recovery is to accept that is over and to focus on improving your life: get used to living alone, think about things you'd like to do and then go do them, further your school/career, working out, etc. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.


Thank you!




3putt said:


> Just cut her loose, coleputt, and chalk it up to a lesson learned. And count your blessings while you're at it. Better now than further down the road when your lives are really entangled with kids, finances, etc.
> 
> Feel for you tho', brother. Still hurts like hell.


Yuh damn right about all of that!


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## coleputt (Nov 24, 2017)

Lila said:


> I am so sorry this is happening to you. As someone that is old enough to be your mother, I encourage you to work on moving on.
> 
> Do you have hobbies? What about a supportive group of friends? Do you have a sport or physically challenging activity you like? You need to stay busy so that you don't keep thinking of her.
> 
> ...


I really liked this reply. Thank you.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Young man, there is hope. Hope for you. You have been given the opportunity to learn much about the dynamic of the male female relationship at a very early point in your adulthood. Many on this site have been served this lesson in their thirties, forties, and fifties. 

The lesson is this… a man must not forfeit control of his emotions to the whims of any woman. It leads to confusion, disrespect, and ultimately revulsion and pity on the part of said woman. A suitable life partner deserves your deep love and respect, but that love must never exceed the love and respect that you have for yourself. In a man’s life, only his children deserve such unconditional love.

We look for many attributes in our ideal partner. Intellectual compatibility, sexual chemistry, etc. Sadly, absent commitment and faithfulness, an otherwise ideal woman is likely to be the instrument of emotional destruction.

There is virtue in selfishness. We desire stable companionship, good sex with a faithful partner, children and family. These fulfilled desires benefit all within our circle. 

You have a long time to find the right woman. This girl is not the love of your life. She is a lesson.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She is 20. She has shown you she is still a insecure young adult who doesn't know what commitment means and has not yet learned how to establish boundaries. She is not alone unfortunately. She is pretty typical of all people her age and yours actually at this moment in time. 

She was easily swayed. Oh well. Next. Best thing thing you can do is cut off all communication with her and move on. Asking her for a straight answer to "Why did you break up with me?" will get you a thousand different responses. She doesn't even know why. She did not even know how to break up with you. What she does know is she had a boy friend. She flirted with another guy. Continued to flirt then went to a party behind your back to be with him. Around same time she then slept with him and switched her loyalties from you to him. Her claims otherwise are lies to portray herself as a victim of her own heart because suddenly without discussing the alleged problems she had with your relationship you are not so interesting anymore. She had to follow her heart. Bah blah blah cheaters mantra. 

Move on and fast. Cut her off completely. Mark my words you will hear from her again. 6 months, a year, 2 years She will attempt to see how you are and tell you she still cares about you as a friend. Ignore her when she does that. Its nonsense that she will use to absolve her conscious of guilt when she starts thinking about all the memories of 4 years you had together and how she flushed it down the toilet because you weren't telepathic to problems she invented when she thought some other ahole was cute. Ignore her and move on and fast. Life is too short to cry over a 20 year old cheater.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

OP,

The "Pick Me Dance" never works. Especially for a 20 year old whose mind is 5 meters above her head. Just give her up and move on.

You are too young (and apparently too naive) to have to endure this kind of horseshyt. Tell her you wish her happiness with this Kyle and-

move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Her behavior can't be pinned on the young, just the unfaithful.


Amen..

Faith knows no age...
Has no age constraints, restraints.

A flawed character never heals...
A flawed character may get better, not from knowledge, from bitterness.
Bitterness, returned in kind, hurts.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

coleputt said:


> Anyways, here I am, it has been almost 6 days since we last spoke and I am really torn. I madly love this chick and I know this isn't who she is. Although she has her problems, we all do, she was the sweetest girl I have ever met and would never have wanted to hurt me. Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? I know she never did anything physical before we broke up, but I believe something physical may have happened after we broke up. She is so caught up in this guy thinking life is going to be a fairytale with him. We were in a bit of a rough patch before all this happened, but as I said, this came out of the blue for the most part. One of the reasons why she went and hung out with this guy in the first place is because her friend (Who has cheated multiple times) told her to go test it out. I really need some help here, I want to snap her out of whatever this fog is that she is in. They aren't dating yet, I know that. Do I have any hope?


You dodged a bullet considering you aren't married.

This love is one-sided, and that will only cause pain. If she had never wanted to hurt you she would never have done this nor listened to her friends advice to cheat. Her sweetness is an act, you've seen her colors but you've dismissed them as "not her", and how are you so sure she never did anything physical before you broke up? You need to up your standards and move on.

You're still young, one day - even soon, you'll meet someone that will blow your mind away and you'll wonder why you even dated this skank. There are much better women than this, give yourself that chance.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

coleputt said:


> Wow! I wish I could respond to everyone of you but I can't. I appreciate all of the replies and you are all helping me tremendously. Seriously. I'll try to respond to a few of you though...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your last point was spot on. Many mistake the lust and 'excitement' and 'high' of a new affair with real love. Its not. Real love is the calmer love that we have after a few years together. The deeper and truer love that comes when we have weathered things together and remained faithful and true to each other. 

Of course all relationships calm down after the first year or two, and what will she do then? Go seeking yet another 'high?' Maybe.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You're just a kid.

She's just a kid.

Don't sweat it. This is just a life lesson.

Consider the ending of your little relationship to be like your Dad taking the training wheels off of your bicycle.

Now go out there and ride. Your grownup life starts now.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

coleputt said:


> Wow! I wish I could respond to everyone of you but I can't. I appreciate all of the replies and you are all helping me tremendously. Seriously. I'll try to respond to a few of you though...
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, I totally admit, I have played myself to be a bit of a doormat in this situation since it started. However, being a "man that has balls" and cutting her loose entirely is much easier said than done unfortunately


OP, cutting her loose is easier than not, unless you relish this pain and betrayal.





coleputt said:


> Yep, although I know I will find someone else in the back of my mind eventually, shaking the thought of uncertainty is the hard thing. Thank you for the reply!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OP,
What she is indeed comparing is the "newness" of meeting the OM with the "newness" of your life together. There is no comparison. She is not mature enough to understand the superficiality of "butterflies". In her mind they feel good (giggle, giggle). Many here seem to think that youth is a justification for almost any offense but I disagree. It is exactly due to the fact that children are no longer held accountable that this phenomenon is occurring. The "fog" you are trying to "snap her out of" is merely her living life in a way that she has been shown is acceptable.

I agree that she gets to change her mind about you and you her for that matter. What I do not agree with is her tactic. If she ended things with you and then pursued the OM, that is acceptable behavior. Her method was not. She has a few years left in which she may mature mentally and this lesson may be crucial in that growth. Do not show her that this behavior is tolerable, rather show her that this behavior carries significant cost. It is the only way she can learn. If you acknowledge and accept her back after this behavior she will then understand that she can behave this way without consequences and she will.

The OM is not thinking maturely about this either in that he is starting a relationship with a known person of questionable character and with a person that is exclusive with someone else, which speaks volumes about his character. This will not end well for them but they cannot see it. It is advisable that you move on and understand that this is not typical behavior for women, just immature stupid women. I advise you avoid those at all costs.


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## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

Taxman said:


> Be a goddamn man. Tell her she either gets back with you or you will fxck up her world. Be a goddamn man. She don't like it, she gets the fuxk out of your world.




Hey woman - either you get back with me or I will fxk up your world... 

Huh - reminds me of the abusive psycho husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy" that the Julia Roberts Character was terrified of. 

Intimidate and threaten her into staying. Interesting approach....sounds hot.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I wish the 20 year old me had the advice i am about to give you. I'm now 39 and have been in your position. I get it its hard she was your first long term girlfriend. Thank your lucky stars you are not married and don't have kids. Let her go. No crying no begging tell her you never want to see her again. Do Not Show WEAKNESS in front of her. If you feel like crying cry in private. Its ok to do that just never appear weak in front of her. 

Women hate weakness. Its not an attractive quality to them. I would not be surprised if she came begging back to you later. She is very young and immature and obviously lacking in morals. You will be thankful in months to come you are done with her. 

The worst thing that can happen is you hang around for another 5-7 years then you have children and a house then she does this again. Then she owns you! Get out now and enjoy life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know it's hard when you are young and don't realize this but I wish I could tell my 22 year old self that there are SO many nice women out there. Don't hold on to one who isn't sure about you. Just go out and meet as many as possible. Use your young dating life to have fun and meet people. Use that to determine the type of girl you want to end up with. 

Seriously man there are so many girls out there. Don't waste your time pining away for one when she is iffy about you.

Here is the thing, she is just too immature to be in the kind of serious relationship you want. She just could only handle it for so long. Hopefully she will grow up, some do some don't. 

As far as you goes. Get in great shape, lift weights. Get good clothes and start dressing nice. Get deep into hobbies and learn about lots of stuff as it will give you stuff to talk about. And then date the hell out of as many women as possible. 

It's a numbers game eventually when the time is right you will meet someone who is more mature. 

Seriously one door closes another opens.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She is not good marriage material as she is apparently “double-dipping!”

Leave the hurtful image of her standing in the rear-view mirror indelibly etched in your mind and just move on! 

You deserve far, far better out of life!*


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

In my life I've never met anyone ever that got the ILYBNILWY and their spouse wasn't cheating on them. I'm surprised anyone bothers to say it since everyone knows what it really means.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I will tell you from experience that a meeting between the BS and the AP yields some very interesting results. Two stand out, and I will address them in general terms. In one case the BS told the AP all about the spouse. One hour later, the spouse was called, and both the BS and the AP discontinued relationships with that person. They were left alone, and frankly deserved it. The other involved the BS assaulting the AP. The AP wanted none of this, and their REAL motivation was that they just wanted sex, and the WS was just low hanging fruit. The AP broke up with the WS over text, saying that AP was assaulted by BS, and had no desire to end up permanently injured. In this case, there was a reconciliation, and it stuck.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Taxman said:


> I will tell you from experience that a meeting between the BS and the AP yields some very interesting results. Two stand out, and I will address them in general terms. In one case the BS told the AP all about the spouse. One hour later, the spouse was called, and both the BS and the AP discontinued relationships with that person. They were left alone, and frankly deserved it. The other involved the BS assaulting the AP. The AP wanted none of this, and their REAL motivation was that they just wanted sex, and the WS was just low hanging fruit. The AP broke up with the WS over text, saying that AP was assaulted by BS, and had no desire to end up permanently injured. In this case, there was a reconciliation, and it stuck.


I love it when cheaters get assaulted. #justdesserts #comeuppance


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> ... although I know I will find someone else in the back of my mind eventually, shaking the thought of uncertainty is the hard thing.


At your age, uncertainty is an "adventure" and there are many adventures ahead of you! Many will be awesome, some will be gut wrenching. But they are out there.

At my age you will look back on this and smile. And thank god you did not wind up with an unfaithful woman! 

In my late teens I had a high school sweetheart for several years I was madly in love with. Very sweet. Very pretty. Hottest little bod around. I was head over heals and just KNEW I wanted nobody else. There wasn't another girl around that could turn my head. Not a one. Being "faithful" was never so easy. I thought it was mutual. ("Engaged". Oh how that makes me laugh now. Engaged at all of 19 years old.) Oh, I'm sure to some degree it was mutual. But life took me away for a few short months (Army basic training), and that was apparently too much for a 18 year old girl. We didn't make it three months of me being gone before things started not adding up and I knew something was wrong. But, I kept my head. Put my head down, pushed forward, and did what I had to do (graduate basic and AIT). And upon my return, she didn't even see a need to be there at the airport when I landed. She started scrogging some other guy not 2 months after I left. This "you're the only one for me, love you forever" was anything but. And I never got the ILYBINILWY speach. No letters. No notice. Just a slow drift and a sense things weren't quite right. Uhm, yeah. They weren't.

Yeah, we patched it back up. She "made a huge mistake" and was "sorry". She "just got lonely, but you are the only one for me" type of thing. I felt the same. All was right with the world again. The girl I loved made a "mistake" but she was back, loved me, and life was good. Until I left again. I was off in Korea planning a wedding upon my return, doing best to research housing and things like that in the age of no internet. She was off banging an old high school buddy of mine. No Dear John letter. Nothing. Phone number changed. Just stopped responding to letters. Just vanished. (I found out about her banging the high school buddy upon my return).

Oh, I held a torch for her for many years (first real love and all). Other women came and went, to include a previous wife (who in my mind didn't quite "measure up" to the old flame. Huge mistake on my part).

Anyway, in my early 40's I met the most amazing woman. Oh, there were a few before that. But not like this. And a good number of "bad" ones as well.

But all those years I wondered what happened to the "old flame" that never quite burned out, and "the one that got away". A little checking here and there, and found she'd been through bankruptcy a couple times, married just as many, and now single. But beyond that, not much else. Never could find a photo of her or much online. Then one day I did due to the miracle of facebook, lol. That cute little hot boddied sweet girl turned into a very unpleasant version of her already highly unpleasant mother. Bitter. Unkept. Pushing two-buck-fifty, and hadn't seen a toothbrush or dentist since we split apparently. Ugh. Talk about fully extinguishing an old flame (and dodging a bullet). I thought "this CAN'T BE HER! Not my high school sweetheart!". But, a closer look. Oh, then I could see, hidden behind that scowl, butterball cheeks, and rusted bottle cap teeth, there was those eyes. I could see it then. But that was the only resemblance to the pretty little firecracker I'd been so fond of in my youth.

I tell you this to demonstrate there is "uncertainty" in almost anything. But one thing is not uncertain: You will surely find and fall madly in love with someone in the near or distant future, and one day you will look back on this, wipe your brow, and say "whew! Thank god that didn't work out!". 

Nobody needs someone in their life they cannot depend on. In my stupid youth I always thought "If I just didn't go away in the Army...we'd of made it. I shouldn't have done it". And young, heartbroken me almost found a way or two to be just heartbroken and distracted enough to screw up a pretty good start to a career at the time. Ultimately I kept my head down, and kept pushing forward. And it worked out. 

In my older age I think "Thank god I did not destroy my life and change my plans over some stupid, young, unfaithful girl". 

There will be others. And you'll be very thankful someday that you sidestepped this landmine early on.

No uncertainty in that. Take that to the bank.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry it happened like this for you. I can assure you there is life after this. Go out and get it!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would guess that while you were totally in love with her, SHE was NOT totally in love with you...actually for quite some time. She finally just found a guy for an exit affair to end the relationship with you.

Dating is exactly for this, to see if the TWO of you love each other and can live together without biting each other's heads off. SHE flunked the test. 

So two strikes, she is not in love with you, and has not been truthful with you about the relationship. As much as it hurts now, you are actually LUCKY to not find this out about her 3 years from now after you have married her and had a kid already. Do NOT let her back in.

What you need to do is hit the gym, work out, get into great shape, and after a few months THEN start easing back into dating.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
a cheater is a cheater, is a cheater.
It's a character flaw. You dodged a bullet. Be thankful and carry on.

If you ask me, you are worried about the wrong things. You should be busting your ass getting your career started. Work on yourself in all aspects. Be happy with you. Do it alone. Then if you happen to find another female of interest do the dating thing.

Way to many people put importance on relationships. Have a relationship with yourself first.

And don't do the sucks, ****s, and FWB BS. Value yourself. A man ***** is just as disgusting as a woman *****.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

coleputt said:


> Letting her know I deserve better than to be a second choice to another guy and this and that.


Why don't you actually BELIEVE your own advice? You DO deserve better but instead you're here whining about a girl who doesn't like you enough to think your worth keeping.



coleputt said:


> I want to snap her out of whatever this fog is that she is in. They aren't dating yet, I know that. Do I have any hope?


She's not "in a fog". There's no such thing. That's a cope mechanism for nice guys. She thinks she can do better than you. Straight up, she has no respect for you.

No, you don't have any hope. You can't compete with a shiny new toy. If he dumps her she MIGHT settle for you but is THAT what you want? To be someone's plan B?!?

The BEST thing you can do, is FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN HER. Take your own advice. YOU DESERVE BETTER. So, go get yourself some better. Have some dignity and bail.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Taxman said:


> The other involved the BS assaulting the AP. The AP wanted none of this, and their REAL motivation was that they just wanted sex, and the WS was just low hanging fruit. The AP broke up with the WS over text, saying that AP was assaulted by BS, and had no desire to end up permanently injured. In this case, there was a reconciliation, and it stuck.


This is a perfect example of winning the fight and still losing buy receiving a sh!t prize.


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