# No happy endings?



## pseudonym

I'm not really looking for success stories or anything like that but I've been reading these forums for a little while and it seems that all stories of separation or reconciliation do not seem to end well here. Even on threads where someone is joyful that they got their spouse back, it seems to eventually revert back to them separating again. I mean, if you used this forum as a barometer for the real world, it would seem like 99.99% of reconciliation attempts fail (which, hey, maybe is the case). Is the success rate of reconciliation really that low or do you think that reconciled couples lose the urge to post on forums such as these?

Just a topic of discussion and deep thought!

Edit - By "happy endings", I was referring to attempting to reconcile and succeeding. I know that happiness can be found through separation and divorce as well.


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## that_girl

We separated, got help, and have been good for a year now 

No cheating involved though, so maybe that makes a difference.

I come back because people are people and I like a lot of the people here. I'm usually only around on weekends though, now that I'm back at work


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## pseudonym

that_girl said:


> I come back because people are people and I like a lot of the people here. I'm usually only around on weekends though, now that I'm back at work


Ha, gotcha! I'm kind of assuming you might be rare in that regard. After marriage is "good" again, it may be easy to forget about places like this... especially if the person wasn't that active on here to begin with. And, people who never posted here at all would have never have a reason to look on here and post their story of reconciliation years later.

I'm in an odd mood of deep thought this afternoon, ha.


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## Kurosity

pseudonym said:


> I'm not really looking for success stories or anything like that but I've been reading these forums for a little while and it seems that all stories of separation or reconciliation do not seem to end well here. Even on threads where someone is joyful that they got their spouse back, it seems to eventually revert back to them separating again. I mean, if you used this forum as a barometer for the real world, it would seem like 99.99% of reconciliation attempts fail (which, hey, maybe is the case). Is the success rate of reconciliation really that low or do you think that reconciled couples lose the urge to post on forums such as these?
> 
> Just a topic of discussion and deep thought!


I feel it could be that the ones that do well and remain together post less about it and only mention it in post on threads to help others out with encouragement. 
You are right there are a lot of endings that are not happy around here but considering the reasons most people come to TAM, it is kind of self explanatory.


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## that_girl

And I don't know what you mean by "happy". Some people need a bad situation...then they do, and are happy.


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## pseudonym

Kurosity said:


> I feel it could be that the ones that do well and remain together post less about it and only mention it in post on threads to help others out with encouragement.
> You are right there are a lot of endings that are not happy around here but considering the reasons most people come to TAM, it is kind of self explanatory.


Yeah, that's certainly a good point too. I guess that using TAM as a barometer for the real world is not really realistic considering why people find this forum to begin with, haha.


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## pseudonym

that_girl said:


> And I don't know what you mean by "happy". Some people need a bad situation...then they do, and are happy.


Oh, woops, that's a good point too. The thread is poorly titled. Yeah, happiness can certainly be found in leaving a bad relationship so "happy endings" can be found in separation. I was more referring to the success of reconciliation attempts by the people within this subforum here.


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## that_girl

Ah. Gotcha. 

 I think the majority of people here are going through something and not yet at reconciliation. There have been a few good stories...they just don't post in this subforum.


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## pseudonym

that_girl said:


> Ah. Gotcha.
> 
> I think the majority of people here are going through something and not yet at reconciliation. There have been a few good stories...they just don't post in this subforum.


Makes sense. It's just funny because the description for the subforum asks for people to post their success stories.

And, I think a lot of times people post their success stories too early (like "husband returned yesterday!" as opposed "it's been great for two years and going now!")


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## that_girl

I'm almost at the 1 year mark (September 19th) after a 3 month separation...it's been a good year


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## Wazza

Affair 22 years ago, still together. Marriage best it's ever been. It can be done.

I actually found TAM googling ideas of romantic things to do for wife. Was drawn to CWI to understand what happened between us all those years ago. What I've learned here has helped me make further improvements to my marriage, but I actually think the standard approaches round here have a high probability of leading to divorce.


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## pseudonym

Wazza said:


> Affair 22 years ago, still together. Marriage best it's ever been. It can be done.
> 
> I actually found TAM googling ideas of romantic things to do for wife. Was drawn to CWI to understand what happened between us all those years ago. What I've learned here has helped me make further improvements to my marriage, but I actually think the standard approaches round here have a high probability of leading to divorce.


First off, congrats on the strong marriage! I'm curious what you mean about the "standard approaches" around here. Why do you think they lead to divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza

pseudonym said:


> First off, congrats on the strong marriage! I'm curious what you mean about the "standard approaches" around here. Why do you think they lead to divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First, there is a tendency to demonise the wayward spouse. The decision to cheat is the fault of WS and WS alone, but some WS are just habitual cheaters while others got there due to being in a low point. I think you need to address their needs to rebuild. Whenever I say that here, it is usually challenged. There is little recognition for the notion that a cheater might be someone who is normally moral. My wife is normally moral. 

Second, people are encouraged to draw a hard line and force a choice. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. In my case, had I followed the advice here I would have demanded my wife choose....who knows whether she would have chosen me.

Third, there is a tendency to move quickly to spying. I understand why it is recommended, but it has the side effect of diminishing trust, and many struggle to see that. The truth is if someone is determined to cover their tracks enough in an affair it will be hard to catch them. You have to trust at some point. This is hard to do. If I ever get to the point where I need VARs and polygraphs, I think my marriage is already over. I work on knowing my wife as well as possible. If she strays again, I believe I will notice changes in her behaviour.

Fourth, there is such a focus on true love. There are reasons other than true love to make a marriage work. I stayed in the marriage for my kids, and we rebuilt over a long period. I have had that choice challenged more than once on TAM. I don't ever recall anyone supporting it. Had I come here during the affair, I think I would have been advised not to stay for that reason.


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## pseudonym

That's an interesting observation, Wazza. Each relationship is so unique and different yet the forum here does try to just apply one or two common solutions to fix any marriage/separation, no matter how unique it may be (just from what I've seen). So, I definitely see your point.


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## Wazza

pseudonym said:


> That's an interesting observation, Wazza. Each relationship is so unique and different yet the forum here does try to just apply one or two common solutions to fix any marriage/separation, no matter how unique it may be (just from what I've seen). So, I definitely see your point.


The basic principles, applied withi thought, make some sense. But you can't follow them like a recipe and sometimes you need to break them.


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## Mtts

I was quiet for a while but that was due to spending time outside (damn it's birght!) and just not having enough to respond with. 

I think it works as long as it's a true change.

My opinion would be that a large part of the "reconciliations" you read about are from those who falsely state their reasons for remaining together. My wife and I for example wouldn't have lasted more than a few weeks back together if it wasn't for certian ground rules laid out. 

So from my small pin hole view in the world, I'd say it's difficult to state that it doesn't happen. Many of the people on here are deep deep into their problems and it's likely to be on the "slippery slope" side, with no hand holds for regaining level ground.


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## BeYou

Wazza said:


> The basic principles, applied withi thought, make some sense. But you can't follow them like a recipe and sometimes you need to break them.


This is so true, I feel!

Regardless of the situation, story, background, or people involved...the advice here is always:

-Back off, move on, ignore her/him, make them miss you, go on with your life, don't linger on hope, etc.

Which works if all you're trying to do is exactly that...move on and leave it all behind.


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## pseudonym

BeYou said:


> This is so true, I feel!
> 
> Regardless of the situation, story, background, or people involved...the advice here is always:
> 
> -Back off, move on, ignore her/him, make them miss you, go on with your life, don't linger on hope, etc.
> 
> Which works if all you're trying to do is exactly that...move on and leave it all behind.


Agreed. Every spouse/person is completely different so it's hard to apply general rules to every single human being. Some may hate the space, some may love it, some may be scared of it and others may be put off by it.


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## BeYou

I think the rules for the most part are bang on. But some situations may require exceptions, that's all I'm saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza

The rules start from assumed outcomes. For example, it is better to resolve things quickly, even if it means divorce, than to wait in the hope that time might heal.

This presupposes that divorce is an acceptable option.


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## Cherry

that_girl said:


> We separated, got help, and have been good for a year now
> 
> No cheating involved though, so maybe that makes a difference.
> 
> I come back because people are people and I like a lot of the people here. I'm usually only around on weekends though, now that I'm back at work


We seperated, got help and have been good for two years . I posted here during the time of turmoil and I'm still here.. we're pretty happy in our marriage. We still have small issues, and I linger around here still because I enjoy many of the folks around TAM.


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## pseudonym

Congrats, Cherry! Thanks for sharing.


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## 36Separated

good stories


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## This is me

I think like car wrecks that draw attention more than noticing someone helping another fix a flat on the road, the same is true for the post viewings at this website. The car wrecks also stay at the top of the list because of the comments keeping them to the top.

When you look at which area's get have the most viewers, the Reconciliation area is no where near the top and likely gets ranking help from those who wrongly post problems in this area.


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## This is me

When she left me in November last year this website helped me a ton. 

I like to share my positive outcome story to help encourage those who may be getting the "give up" comments which seem to come too easily and often from others.


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