# Wife going out too much?



## fenix311

Hi all I'm new here, I am turning to this forum because I really have no one else I can talk to. I would really like different perceptive on this.

A little background - My wife of 2 1/2 years is a stay at home mom of 3, she had kids young and is currently 25. I am the only one bringing in income by choice, due to the the ridiculous cost of daycare. Recently she has been loosing the baby weight, and working out to get in shape. I work mid day and get home around 7pm, she stays home with my 2 girls, while her son goes to school. Recently she's been going out at night when I get home to work out, and then afterwards going to a karaoke bar. Meanwhile while she is at the bar, she depends on other people (men) to buy her and her friends drink.I had no issue with it at first, I thought she needed to get out of the house, and go have some fun. She usually comes pretty late, around 2 or 3 in the morning. One night she didn't come home at all, I didn't receive any texts or phone calls letting me know she's stay out. When she got home she felt pretty bad, and said she was drinking at a friends, then watched a movie and eventually passed out. She never thought to let me know she might not be home or to not expect her til late. I asked her what was going on and why she felt the need to stay out all night, or go out at any chance she got. She responded with "I had kids young, I never really got to go out, and I'm enjoying myself" at which point I told her that she had responsibility as a parent and if she decided to keep going out all night and drinking that she'd have to do it on her own. 

She eventually ended up tell me she felt the need to go out and drink to ease the frustrations of dealing with the kids all day, that she needed to go out and have adult iteration. I would have no problem with her going out if it wasn't for the fact that it seems she enjoys going out with friends more rather than to stay home and spend time together. I feel like we are growing apart, and that it will eventually cause our marriage to end. At the beginning of our relationship we spent every waking hour together, worked at the same jobs, and did everything together. Now it seems she'd rather go out with friends than to be with me. I've talked to her about this, she says she thinks we are in 2 different places, she would rather go out, and I would rather stay in. She says if she doesn't go out then she'll go insane, and that won't be good for our marriage, I say if she goes out more than she's home, that it won't be good for our marriage. She seems to think there is nothing wrong with our marriage, and that my issues is I don't trust her or want her to go out. Am I out of line for wanting to spend more time with my wife, and for wanting her to spend more time with me than her friends? I understand she needs her out time away from me, this just seems drastic from what it used to be. I myself don't go out, just work and then come home, for one I'd rather spend time with my family, and two, I usually work the next day. 

Sorry for the rant, like I said, I don't have any one really to talk to. I'd be interested to hear any and all thoughts on this. Thank you for reading.


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## tom67

Yea I would put an end to this. She could go out a few nights a week but be home by 10 even that is probably too much. Have one of your friends follow her and see what's up at the bars she goes to or get a sitter one day and go with her and see her reaction. This can only go bad imo.


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## LostViking

Get someone to follow her. And snag her cell phone when she is in the shower and see who she is calling and texting. 

And send a PM to one of the moderators to have this tread transferred to the Coping With Infidelity section. 

Your wife is up to no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

And no you are not out of line.


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## tom67

And check cell phone records and put a pen var in her purse.


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## tom67

Put a var in the house also see who she talks with during the day. Do this asap.


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## Entropy3000

fenix311 said:


> Hi all I'm new here, I am turning to this forum because I really have no one else I can talk to. I would really like different perceptive on this.
> 
> A little background - My wife of 2 1/2 years is a stay at home mom of 3, she had kids young and is currently 25. I am the only one bringing in income by choice, due to the the ridiculous cost of daycare. Recently she has been loosing the baby weight, and working out to get in shape. I work mid day and get home around 7pm, she stays home with my 2 girls, while her son goes to school. Recently she's been going out at night when I get home to work out, and then afterwards going to a karaoke bar.
> 
> *Huh? Are you serious? NFW dude. You guys should get a baby sitter and go out together. So you stay home and watch the kids!? Bad idea. Gping out to places to hang out with other men is a single life style.*
> 
> Meanwhile while she is at the bar, she depends on other people (men) to buy her and her friends drink.
> 
> *I will be honest with you. You are pretty much going down the list of bad things to do. Letting other men buy you drinks means they have a shot. Whether she admits it or not. They get them drinks ... maybe docotr the drinks and they get something in return. They get to at least attack the gets and see if they can take things to the next level. Possibly some touching going on and exchanging of contact information. This is being on the prowl. Get the women drunk enough and te guy feels he is owed. What married woman would do such a thing. Why don't you go out at night and pickup women and buy them drinks. Why you would be ok with any of this is neyond me. Allowing this is accepting a form of open marriage.*
> 
> I had no issue with it at first,
> 
> *So you messed up being ok with this. Why would you want to be disrespected in this way? Why would you be ok with guys getting to make passes at your wife while pryung her with alcohol. Nuckenfutts. Actually beyond belief. Hoepfully this is just s story you are making up.*
> 
> I thought she needed to get out of the house,
> 
> *Getting out of the house once in a while is fine. But on the prowl with other men and drinking. Hell no.
> this is not going to dinner with friends, or going to their homes or taking in a movie. Going out to play with other men is sexual activity.
> *
> 
> and go have some fun. She usually comes pretty late, around 2 or 3 in the morning.
> 
> *LOL. A SAHM out until 2 or 3 am. Right. hard to belive again. Why would you be ok with this? Does she go over the guys apartments too? Where does she really go? You would have no idea what she gets in to. And you support the family and watch this kids. This is a display of low value and pretty much a hotwifing scenario.
> *
> 
> One night she didn't come home at all,
> 
> *UFB. Well guess what? She had sex with someone that night. In fact she crashed and stayed the whole night. If my wife was somewhere and could not make it home I would go get her. But basically if my wife did just this ... once. It would be a deal breaker. Forget all the rest. Just this. One time.*
> 
> I didn't receive any texts or phone calls letting me know she's stay out. When she got home she felt pretty bad, and said she was drinking at a friends, then watched a movie and eventually passed out.
> 
> *Nice wifey. Not so much. *
> 
> She never thought to let me know she might not be home or to not expect her til late.
> 
> *It is because she has no boundaries. She s not married. You are. She is single and has a guy to support her and her kid pkus the two you have together. She found out she can have her cake and eat it too.
> *
> I asked her what was going on and why she felt the need to stay out all night, or go out at any chance she got. She responded with "I had kids young, I never really got to go out, and I'm enjoying myself" at which point I told her that she had responsibility as a parent and if she decided to keep going out all night and drinking that she'd have to do it on her own.
> 
> *Actually this got way too far for you to even be discussing thsi rationally. That ship sailed a long time ago. She knows what she is doing. I hate to be cruel but you should get your kids DNA tested. I know you love them but you need to knwo for sure they are yours.
> *
> She eventually ended up tell me she felt the need to go out and drink to ease the frustrations of dealing with the kids all day, that she needed to go out and have adult iteration.
> *
> Adult iteration? WTF is that? Sounds sleazy.*
> 
> I would have no problem with her going out if it wasn't for the fact that it seems she enjoys going out with friends more rather than to stay home and spend time together.
> 
> *It is not about the friends dude. It is about the men she is having sex with. Even if there is no PIV sex she is interacting with other men instead of you.
> But you can pretty much count o her being unfaithful.*
> 
> I feel like we are growing apart, and that it will eventually cause our marriage to end.
> 
> *Actually the marriage for her ended a while back.*
> 
> At the beginning of our relationship we spent every waking hour together, worked at the same jobs, and did everything together. Now it seems she'd rather go out with friends than to be with me.
> 
> *Again it is not jst the friends. It is what they do. She is living a single life. You need to get checked for STDs*
> 
> I've talked to her about this, she says she thinks we are in 2 different places, she would rather go out, and I would rather stay in. She says if she doesn't go out then she'll go insane, and that won't be good for our marriage, I say if she goes out more than she's home, that it won't be good for our marriage.
> 
> *You are trying to reason with her. That would have been great before this started. To set some boundaries. But now you are trying to put the genie back in the bottle. *
> 
> She seems to think there is nothing wrong with our marriage, and that my issues is I don't trust her or want her to go out.
> 
> *You should not trust her. She has nothing trustworthy. She is out with other men drinking, staying out late and even stayed out all night. WTH? This is unfaithful even if she did not spread her legs but the odds she has not are slim to none. But the biundary should not be penetration. Hanging out with other men is not something conduscive to monogamy.*
> 
> Am I out of line for wanting to spend more time with my wife,
> 
> *You should be the #1 priority. What is out of line is you being ok with any of this.*
> 
> and for wanting her to spend more time with me than her friends?
> 
> *What if she only played with other men once a week and was with you the rest of the time? Would you be ok with that? I would not.*
> 
> I understand she needs her out time away from me, this just seems drastic from what it used to be. I myself don't go out, just work and then come home, for one I'd rather spend time with my family, and two, I usually work the next day.
> 
> *But you are not spending time with your wife. She is with other men.*
> 
> Sorry for the rant, like I said, I don't have any one really to talk to. I'd be interested to hear any and all thoughts on this. Thank you for reading.


This is totally over the top. You needed to not be ok with any of this. But now you must tell her this is unacceptable.


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## fenix311

Thanks for the feedback. It's not that i don't trust my wife, but my it does make me suspicious when she doesnt communicate with me. To be fair she has never been the one to dicuss her feelings on her own, I have to drag it out. I think if it ever got to a point I don't trust her, then I would leave her.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## life101

Red flags all over the place. She might have already slipped. Put a VAR in the car and in the bedroom. PI would also be an option. Keylog the computers. Go super stealthy and don't let her suspect that you are snooping.

You might have to move this thread to the CWI section.


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## JustHer

Well you have heard from the men, now I will tell you from a woman's perspective.

I was, am, a stay at home mom too. When I first got married, before kids, I went to the clubs with my girlfriends on occasion. Never, let me repeat, never let some guy buy me drinks. Only did this a couple of times and realized that part of my life was over. A wife, has no business going out like that. Perhaps she did have kids young, too bad, that was her choice and now she lives with it. 

She has disconnected from you, your marriage and the kids. She is being selfish and acting as if she is single. If she is not cheating on you, it is only a matter of time. She is getting her body into shape, feeling good about herself and drinking to the point of intoxication at a bar - without you. Seems like she is NOT getting that body back into shape for YOU. In my book, any one that needs to drink like that has a problem with it. No child deserves to be raised by an alcoholic.

I am truly sorry but you need to put your foot down. If she insists on going out, go with her. But it would be better if you two could find something to do that didn't include bars and drinking. And it would be better yet if she reconnected with you and the kids on a more mature level.


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## LonelyinLove

JustHer said:


> She has disconnected from you, your marriage and the kids. She is being selfish and acting as if she is single. If she is not cheating on you, it is only a matter of time. She is getting her body into shape, feeling good about herself and drinking to the point of intoxication at a bar - without you. Seems like she is NOT getting that body back into shape for YOU. In my book, any one that needs to drink like that has a problem with it. No child deserves to be raised by an alcoholic.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> What JustHer said! :smthumbup:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so sorry your here.

My ex h was doing this and he had several affairs. I found this out without cell phones or Internet(they were not available at the time). Often he'd come home at 5am. I immediately left the marriage which was 20 years ago. A family member of mine was going to the clubs without his wife and he got another woman pregnant within the last year. 

What your wife is doing is selfish and unacceptable in a marriage! If she's not cheating, I'd assume she has a drinking problem. Although, I'd highly suspect cheating. The red flags are there smack dab in front of you.

Investigate to see if she is cheating, but don't let her know. Then set boundaries with her if she's not actually cheating. Going out and drinking/clubbing in my opinion is for single people.

You can't really change who she is or her behavior. You can only change yourself and how you handle these situations. If she's not willing to compromise, are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## MrK

Amazing that you let this go on so long. Incredible story. You have no idea how many new male friends she has, do you? Men she meets when she goes out to the same bars. There are strange men that spend more time with your wife than you do.

How do you feel about that?

Just out of curiosity, what do YOU think she'd doing until 3AM with these guys?

How is it possible that people think this is acceptable?


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## survivorwife

fenix311 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. It's not that i don't trust my wife, but my it does make me suspicious when she doesnt communicate with me. To be fair she has never been the one to dicuss her feelings on her own, I have to drag it out. *I think if it ever got to a point I don't trust her, then I would leave her.
> *
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


And you're not *there* yet? What exactly would it take for you to realize that you can't trust her? Where is your "line in the sand"? Do you really believe, in your heart of hearts, that she is telling you the truth under these circumstances when she will not even discuss her true feelings with you under normal circumstances?

I know you *want* to trust her. But really. Do you trust her? Think about it.


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## toonaive

"She has disconnected from you, your marriage and the kids. She is being selfish and acting as if she is single. If she is not cheating on you, it is only a matter of time. She is getting her body into shape, feeling good about herself and drinking to the point of intoxication at a bar - without you. Seems like she is NOT getting that body back into shape for YOU. In my book, any one that needs to drink like that has a problem with it. No child deserves to be raised by an alcoholic."

I lived this!. You need to stop this right now! She is most definitely headed to an affair, if she is not already in one. !


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## Chaparral

Its really hard to believe anyone can be this naive. Why do you think men buy her drinks? Do you even know what a roofie is? Not that she would need one.

Send a friend out to spy on her or find a baby sitter and "surprise" her when you walk into the bar.


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## MrK

Chaparral said:


> find a baby sitter and "surprise" her when you walk into the bar.


She'll love that.


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## mablenc

I'm sorry, no matter how stressed she is, no respectable woman hangs out in bars until 2-3 am or doesn't come home at all. Do you really think she's being a loyal wife? Really? I'm sure the men who buy her drinks are also very respectful and just don't want her to get thirsty.


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## chillymorn

I smell a rat. most likley shes already cheating. be prepared and don't say anything until you got some hard proof. act as if everything is ok and start snooping.


and remember its not your fault if she is cheating. cheaters need to own their discreations.

start thinking about what you will do if she is. if its a deal braker then as soon as you find out file for divorce and never look back!


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## barbados

Fenix, honestly where to begin ? If she is not already cheating on you, she is heading down the path quickly. You have no problem with her going out till bar closing time and have men buying her drinks ? REALLY ??

Your wife sounds like a spoiled, immature brat who needs to grow the hell up FAST ! She is only 25, with 3 kids by 2 different men, and she still wants to be the party girl staying out getting drunk ? WRONG !!

Unless she is willing to start making some radical changes and start being a responsible adult & mother, I would be seeing an attorney. You need to start thinking about your little girls now.


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## survivorwife

Chaparral said:


> Its really hard to believe anyone can be this naive. Why do you think men buy her drinks? Do you even know what a roofie is? Not that she would need one.
> 
> Send a friend out to spy on her or find a baby sitter and "surprise" her when you walk into the bar.


:iagree:

Yes, all the signs are there.

But even I don't know what a "roofie" is


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## mablenc

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Chaparral

survivorwife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yes, all the signs are there.
> 
> But even I don't know what a "roofie" is


Date rape drug. Slipped into drink while the lady isn't looking.


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## Aunt Ava

I echo what Mablenc said, no respectable women behaves in this manner. No married woman should be accepting drinks from other men, much less depending on them to buy her drinks. 

I guess it doesn't really matter but exactly how often is she doing this? 

If I were you, I would just serve her divorce papers. She wants to act single, she can be single. 

You say you trust her. How can you possibly trust her considering her behavior? There's trust, then there just stupidity.


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## Caribbean Man

Fenix311,

Always better to be safe than sorry.
She is acting strangely.
She's not telling you why, 
You need to get the answers for yourself so that you can fix whatever problem exist.

Brace yourself.


EDIT. Let me also add that YOU are paying for her gym fees and for her to hang out with her friends at that club late into the night.
You are funding her activities.

Makes no sense paying gym fees to loose weight and after working out , heading to the bar to get drunk and wasted.
Once in a while , no problem.
Every night? No , full stop.
Any trainer at any gym will tell you that drinking heavy alcohol is counter productive to loosing weight and keeping it off.
working out is supposed to be a good stress reliever, not getting drunk with heavy alcohol.
Something is not adding up.


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## thatbpguy

fenix311 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. It's not that i don't trust my wife, but my it does make me suspicious when she doesnt communicate with me. To be fair she has never been the one to dicuss her feelings on her own, I have to drag it out. I think if it ever got to a point I don't trust her, then I would leave her.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


Anyone who goes out to bars at night, leaving their spouse behind and then mingles (giving her the benefit of the doubt) with men and fails to communicate with you doesn't deserve trust.

Put an end to all of this. Now. Or, start thinking of a divorce.


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## committed4ever

Fenix keep this in mind. Not too many women can respect a man who put up with this. Even your wife who wants to do it. 

You need to be a protector of the gate even though it probably already been breached.


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## doubletrouble

You're already getting the advice I would give you. So I am chiming in and saying it too. DUDE, you're sliding into the Cuckold Club.


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## A Bit Much

Sounds like your wife has turned into a party girl and you into a babysitter all at once.

Yes, she's going out too much. Yes, you should have a problem with it. The excuses for why she does it that she gave you are feeble justifications for acting like a crazy college student. She's a wife and a mother, and unless she wants to be single, she needs to knock it off.


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## bunny23

There is a thread on here by a guy named Eric145 (I think) I read it yesterday- 180+ pages!!!!!!

No kids. But a similar pattern, only his wife worked.

I had this happen the opposite way. I was working but me and stbx had different shifts. Sometimes he would go out till 8am, sometimes till 3...

Anyway, he has a drinking problem and it turned out his father did also (and was a serial cheater) 

If you said that she was doing this once a month or every 2 months I would think you are being paranoid. But all the time??

I suggest you start talking to her and going to counselling- or this will be beyond repair. My relationship had violence in it, and everything else.. and it just got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at him anymore.


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## bunny23

BTW You mention trust. 

There is no trust without respect and reason. And trust.. not blind faith. 

The only person I had this issue with is my stbx and while he told me he was going out with a friend to discuss "family issues" he was actually at strip club after strip club (which was already a no no in our marriage)

Don't be a fool. If she is not doing anything yet you should still act because this will tear your relationship apart, if only from the angle that you will be getting more and more distant.


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## Starstarfish

> She eventually ended up tell me she felt the need to go out and drink to ease the frustrations of dealing with the kids all day, that she needed to go out and have adult iteration.
> 
> Adult iteration? WTF is that? Sounds sleazy.


I'm guessing the word that was intended was "interaction."


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## anchorwatch

Hello and welcome, fenix311. You can talk safely here. 

Listen to the alarm in the many post you have received. They are from experience and knowledge of the subject. Your W is moving you and your family into dangerous territory. You need to educate yourself on the subject. You're behind the curve. The good news is you are asking questions. Your situation is not unique and there are answers. 

Here, start exploring. ttys

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Marriedand40

Questions:

How can you have not nipped this in the butt a long time ago? Nothing wrong with going out, as long as it's in moderation.

What does your wife wear when she goes out? Is she going out wearing skimpy clothing?

Does she call you to let you know where she is?

You have 3 children. Don't rush into divorce. She might be just having emotional issues right now. Consider counselling.


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## tom67

If you have a joint bank acct. take half out and open one in your name only protect yourself.


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## A Bit Much

> She usually comes pretty late, around 2 or 3 in the morning. *One night she didn't come home at all, I didn't receive any texts or phone calls letting me know she's stay out.* When she got home she felt pretty bad, and said she was drinking at a friends, then watched a movie and eventually passed out. *She never thought to let me know she might not be home or to not expect her til late.*


This sounds completely irresponsible. A woman with a husband and children don't think this way ------> unless they're cheating or straddling that fence.

It was a sh!t test, and OP you failed it. You should have gone off on her right then and there. Her excuses should have been dismissed immediately and you should have laid down some fast hard rules. If she wants to keep her home and lifestyle, she needs to respect your marriage and stop the partying. Once in a while is fine, but she's past her limit. You need to make her choose. The marriage or the door.


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## ReformedHubby

Fenix,

The only thing I'll add is that going out isn't necessarily bad. Its the other red flags that are concerning. The frequency of the outings coupled with the late hours. 

My wife goes out sometimes but in all honesty she hasn't stayed out past ten on her own in over a decade. Its also more like a once a month thing. Its usually just dinner and drinks with other moms. A married individuals night on the town should in no way resemble a single persons outing.


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## barbados

ReformedHubby said:


> Fenix,
> 
> The only thing I'll add is that going out isn't necessarily bad. Its the other red flags that are concerning. The frequency of the outings coupled with the late hours.
> 
> My wife goes out sometimes but in all honesty she hasn't stayed out past ten on her own in over a decade. Its also more like a once a month thing. Its usually just dinner and drinks with other moms. *A married individuals night on the town should in no way resemble a single persons outing.*


:iagree: Very well stated R.H.


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## LostViking

survivorwife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yes, all the signs are there.
> 
> But even I don't know what a "roofie" is


Rufenol.

It is a narcotic/sedative. The date rape drug.


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## treyvion

fenix311 said:


> Hi all I'm new here, I am turning to this forum because I really have no one else I can talk to. I would really like different perceptive on this.
> 
> A little background - My wife of 2 1/2 years is a stay at home mom of 3, she had kids young and is currently 25. I am the only one bringing in income by choice, due to the the ridiculous cost of daycare. Recently she has been loosing the baby weight, and working out to get in shape. I work mid day and get home around 7pm, she stays home with my 2 girls, while her son goes to school. Recently she's been going out at night when I get home to work out, and then afterwards going to a karaoke bar. Meanwhile while she is at the bar, she depends on other people (men) to buy her and her friends drink.I had no issue with it at first, I thought she needed to get out of the house, and go have some fun. She usually comes pretty late, around 2 or 3 in the morning. One night she didn't come home at all, I didn't receive any texts or phone calls letting me know she's stay out. When she got home she felt pretty bad, and said she was drinking at a friends, then watched a movie and eventually passed out. She never thought to let me know she might not be home or to not expect her til late. I asked her what was going on and why she felt the need to stay out all night, or go out at any chance she got. She responded with "I had kids young, I never really got to go out, and I'm enjoying myself" at which point I told her that she had responsibility as a parent and if she decided to keep going out all night and drinking that she'd have to do it on her own.


This phase lasts until they are done with it. What she's doing feels free and fun to her. Completely free from "bondage". She's not going to see it as destructive, but it becomes a descructive force in most peoples lives.



fenix311 said:


> She eventually ended up tell me she felt the need to go out and drink to ease the frustrations of dealing with the kids all day, that she needed to go out and have adult iteration.


Why does it have to be going out drinking? And why does she need to get away from her kids and her family life. It's a choice. Many people would be happy to be able to take care of their families. It's good to have an occasional outlet, but all the time is not good.



fenix311 said:


> Hi I would have no problem with her going out if it wasn't for the fact that it seems she enjoys going out with friends more rather than to stay home and spend time together. I feel like we are growing apart, and that it will eventually cause our marriage to end. At the beginning of our relationship we spent every waking hour together, worked at the same jobs, and did everything together. Now it seems she'd rather go out with friends than to be with me. I've talked to her about this, she says she thinks we are in 2 different places,


Of course. And her out friends are so much more deeper and reflective on life. They have it all figured out, while you are boring and predictable. It sounds like you know whats really important and life and she does not know. She's trying to reclaim lost youth and i've never heard of anyone stopping this beast of a cycle.

Maybe you could do it too to kill the importance of it to her. Also be invited to some of her shenanigans as well. Theres no reason for a married to not come home at night or 2 or 3 in the morning all the time.



fenix311 said:


> she would rather go out, and I would rather stay in. She says if she doesn't go out then she'll go insane, and that won't be good for our marriage, I say if she goes out more than she's home, that it won't be good for our marriage. She seems to think there is nothing wrong with our marriage, and that my issues is I don't trust her or want her to go out.


What you don't trust is the normal temptations of life and the normal course of direction that she has opening. She's just like anyone else. In small doses it may not be harmful, but over time she will be doing alot of whats going on around her, as she "opens up" to it.



fenix311 said:


> Am I out of line for wanting to spend more time with my wife, and for wanting her to spend more time with me than her friends? I understand she needs her out time away from me, this just seems drastic from what it used to be. I myself don't go out, just work and then come home, for one I'd rather spend time with my family, and two, I usually work the next day.
> 
> Sorry for the rant, like I said, I don't have any one really to talk to. I'd be interested to hear any and all thoughts on this. Thank you for reading.


Get invited with her. And if she doesn't stop, your going to have to stop baby sitting for her to go out. Also I'd start going out yourself.


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## Hicks

This is not really a discssion item.

You have to tell her to make a choice: Wife and mother or divorce.

You are her babysitter at this point, while she lives a single life.


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## treyvion

Boy... She's at that age too...


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## barbados

treyvion said:


> boy... She's at that age too...


*yup !!*


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## tom67

As Mach would say he is the classic beta provider.


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## treyvion

barbados said:


> *yup !!*


People have completely altered the courses of their lives with these type of diversions. It's usually not for the better either.


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## treyvion

tom67 said:


> As Mach would say he is the classic beta provider.


He's being a good man and taking care of his family.


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## Wiserforit

She's already deep into the affair lifestyle. The problem with letting her know you suspect is that she'll destroy evidence, drive the behavior deep underground, and disable your ability to catch her cold. They you'll have to deal with all of the emotional abuse cheaters always dish out: denial, evasion, diversion, blame the victim, gaslighting, etc. 

If you put a voice activated recorder in the car, keylogger on the computer, snoop through emails/cell phone - you'll have plenty enough to bust her on.

Trust? You don't trust someone who drinks with other men and stays out all night.


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## weightlifter

STOP STOP STOP STOP 
DO NOT CONFRONT OR TALK TO HER ABOUT IT!
DO MY INSTRUCTIONS! THE WEEKEND IS COMING UP.
GET THE VAR GOING NOW. I MEAN TOMORROW HEAD TO WALMART AND BEST BUY.

SHe may or may not be having an affair but you need to get on this NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!! I provide EXACT instructions and with 20 cheating wives under my belt here and damn good at this sad task.

My exact instructions:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

Another item of interest for you might be the Amazon Pen VAR.


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## Refuse to be played

Ah crap....this could be bad dude.

Android
Android Spy App | Android Monitoring Software | Mobile Spy

iPhone
iPhone Spy Software – Mobile Spy iPhone Monitoring App


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## weightlifter

bunny23 said:


> There is a thread on here by a guy named Eric145 (I think) I read it yesterday- 180+ pages!!!!!!
> 
> No kids. But a similar pattern, only his wife worked.


This one also has elements of poster Logan3

Original poster. I give you exact stores to go to, make of VAR model of VAR and even how to use the darn things.

DO THIS TOMORROW. PM ME if you need any additional setup instructions.

This is NOT NECESSARILY HOPELESS BUT MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT. TIME IS OF THE ESSENSE!!!!

Oh and keep your moouth shut for a few weeks while you get a handle on this. SOFT CONFRONTS DO NOT WORK! Look at RDMUs first thread for an idea of what a disaster a soft confrtont does.

Follow my plan and IF she is cheating you will have a HARD CONFRONT. You will have a very likely chance of breaking her in a couple of minutes. If she doesnt break it will literally be a case of saying down is up and left is right.


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## tom67

treyvion said:


> He's being a good man and taking care of his family.


I know that but he is also being a "nice guy" and that isn't good I hope he has been reading jmo.


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## Thound

Spidey senses tingling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK

Thound said:


> Spidey senses tingling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need spidey senses to see what's going on here.


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## tom67

MrK said:


> You don't need spidey senses to see what's going on here.


Yea this one is pretty easy to figure out-sigh.


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## treyvion

tom67 said:


> Yea this one is pretty easy to figure out-sigh.


He's being cheated on or she's very close and on her way? Since she's mimicking her single friends life even though she has a family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

I am NOT NECESSARILY reading cheating say 50% chance PA but the chance RISES BY THE DAY.

The RIGHT player with the RIGHT moves... and since she is taking drinks...


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## camillaj

fenix311, how old are you?


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## Chaparral

camillaj said:


> fenix311, how old are you?


He dis apeared.


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## vspinkgrl

I don't think there is anything wrong with her going out for girls nights. But there is a lot wrong with her staying out all night and the frequency in which she is doing it. Also it is NOT acceptable to have guys buying her drinks. 
I totally get where she is coming from with being bogged down with the kids. She is bored with her life and is using going out as an outlet and its not ok. 
I went through a going out a lot phase and that's all it was. I go to the movies and book clubs now. But I know that I was going out because I did skip that time in my life by having kids early. She may be acting on those same feelings. Early relationship with hubby and I we spent ALL our time together and that also aided in me wanting time away. I am a staunch believer and not spending all your time together and not trying to dictate each other's separate social life to a DEGREE. Some people just need time apart. She has NO work relationships and all her time is spent with kids. I get that.
I'm not gonna jump on the "she's cheating" wagon cause that's not necessarily true. But she has given you enough reason to scope things out for yourself. Good luck


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## 6301

Fenix311

When she has to go to a bar and troll for men to buy her drinks. Comes home 2 or 3 in the morning, doesn't come home. Don't you think that before you joined this forum and wrote your thread that you knew that this was wrong? If I ever found out my wife was trolling for drinks, she wouldn't be going. That's totally outrageous! Not coming home! No way! Going out and not coming home until 2 or 3 constantly?

Dude. Your way past talking. She isn't hearing. Time for you to bring out the big guns and become the new sheriff cause your not in any kind of control and she's out of control. There has to be boundaries of some kind and there are none. You either gain control of you house and wife or you'll have nothing to come home too real soon. Actions speak louder than words.


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## TRy

fenix311 said:


> Meanwhile while she is at the bar, she depends on other people (men) to buy her and her friends drink.I had no issue with it at first, I thought she needed to get out of the house, and go have some fun. She usually comes pretty late, around 2 or 3 in the morning. One night she didn't come home at all, I didn't receive any texts or phone calls letting me know she's stay out.


 When men buy women drinks, they expect something in return, and that something is not a platonic friendship. She is drinking and flirting with other men until 2 or 3 in the morning, and one night without telling you, she did not come home at all. Dude what you just described is typical young single woman that is dating. 

She never got to do this before because she had children so young before she married you. Now that she has you paying the bills and babysitting, she thinks that she can finally freely do all the dating that she missed out on. She is working out and actively looking for someone better than you to replace you. This time she has the luxury of not settling. She can only do this because you are letting her. You are not responsible for fixing the fact that she got pregnant too young in life. You did not marry her to enable her to be in a better position to find that perfect mate. You married her to be your wife, and she does not want that role. Marriage is about both of you meeting each others needs, and she is not hold up her end of the deal at all. You are being used pure and simple. You cannot be use unless you let yourself be used.

Tell her that the nights out at the bar picking up on other men must stop. Tell her that it does not matter that she never got to date before she married you, married women do not date; that is part of the deal. Let her know that you married her to be her husband and not her dad, and thus she must do her part in the marraige to meet your needs too. Since she clearly has other men in her life, tell her that she must end these relationships now. Tell her that you do not trust her because she does not act in a trustworthy way. Demand full transpancy without complaint, which includes full access and all passwords. Tell her that if she does not want to be your wife, and start behaving like a married woman, that you will end the marraige. You must be willing to end the marraige to have a chance at having a marriage worth saving.

Wake up and stop being walked on. Be well and good luck to you.


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## Entropy3000

fenix311 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. It's not that i don't trust my wife, but my it does make me suspicious when she doesnt communicate with me. To be fair she has never been the one to dicuss her feelings on her own, I have to drag it out. I think if it ever got to a point I don't trust her, then I would leave her.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


hhmmmmm. Post #2. He trusts her.

It is that she does not communicate. Yeah that's the whole problem.

I wonder what it would take for hm to not trust her? She stays out, leads a single lifestyle and does not let him know what is up even of she stays out all night. Yeah, this deserves all kinds of trust. Oh and he has to drag information out of her.

This sounds just a little hard to believe.


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## Entropy3000

Chaparral said:


> Date rape drug. Slipped into drink while the lady isn't looking.


Right. No woman should let some guy bring her a drink. Even non-aloholic. Often enough it gets spiked.
Sometimes it is so bad the woman does not know where she is and he guy ushers her to his car and is gone with her. The husband reports her missing but people assume she just left him.

Sometimes they find the body in a nearby field. Not being dramatic here. Lots of missing persons.

But even if they only take them back to their place most woman will just think they drank too much or got sick.

But most of the time it just continues to impair the decision making process.

Also this can be done by the bar tender depending on the place. But it is best to not takes drinks from men. So many will just offer to go get drinks and bring them back.


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## Entropy3000

Starstarfish said:


> I'm guessing the word that was intended was "interaction."


I know.


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## Entropy3000

Marriedand40 said:


> Questions:
> 
> How can you have not nipped this in the butt a long time ago? Nothing wrong with going out, as long as it's in moderation.
> 
> What does your wife wear when she goes out? Is she going out wearing skimpy clothing?
> 
> Does she call you to let you know where she is?
> 
> You have 3 children. Don't rush into divorce. She might be just having emotional issues right now. Consider counselling.


He sure could have stopped this from the beginning. He should not have been ok with non marriage friendly GNOs. Going out to bars and accepting drinks once in a while ... is unaccapetable. That is single behavior.

Soooooo. Yeah, this could have been dealt with early on.

Kinda like brakes. You hear them squeaking, best to check them and likely just change the brake pads. If you wait until the rotors are damaged you are now in for big bucks. If you continue to wait, you are going to get into a wreck with injuries or worse.

So as it is in marriage. You cannot be ambivalent. You do not wait until the wreck happens. He had loads of signs. 

Nothing ok about what she is doing ... even once let alone several times a week. LOL.


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## Entropy3000

treyvion said:


> He's being a good man and taking care of his family.


I disagree, He is NOT being a good man and taking care of his family.

He is being a Nice Guy and neglecting his family by not defending it. Soon enough someone else will be taking care of his kids. Or he may even be raising someone elses. No this is not being a good guy, a good husband or a good anything. His role is to to protect the family. He is MIA.


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## treyvion

Entropy3000 said:


> I disagree, He is NOT being a good man and taking care of his family.
> 
> He is being a Nice Guy and neglecting his family by not defending it. Soon enough someone else will be taking care of his kids. Or he may even be raising someone elses. No this is not being a good guy, a good husband or a good anything. His role is to to protect the family. He is MIA.


Great viewpoint
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kezins

I would bet the farm on the fact that she has slept with multiple men at this point. If I were you, I'd hire a private detective to follow her and get solid evidence of infedelity. Once you get the evidence, cut her off financially and work on getting custody of the kids if they areeven yours. I hate to be harsh, but you need to protect yourself before she takes you for a major financial ride and you are paying for other men's enjoyment in the future.

This will save you lots of money in the future. If you don't have solid evidence, it's just your word against hers and she will likely get a lot of money from you for a long period of time in addition to child support. When women do the things you stated, it's already too late...she has no morals.


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## weightlifter

Evidence first kez. He can decide from there.


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## Indy Nial

Just an idea but maybe we should wait for the OP to respond before discussing this post to death?


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## ReformedHubby

Entropy3000 said:


> Going out to bars and accepting drinks once in a while ... is unaccapetable. That is single behavior.


I can't believe how many of these GNO posts discuss married women that flirt to get free drinks. Honestly when I was single that type of woman did not appeal to me at all. Its one thing to let a date buy you drinks, but quite another thing to let strangers fund your night out. I couldn't imagine being married to someone that thought this behavior is appropriate.


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## skb

If the wife has a standing girl's night out more frequently than say, once a month, you're in real trouble. Women in affairs look desperately for authorized time away from home. A frequent girl's night out does the trick. And I might add it's the perfect way to meet new guys for extra. I'm not talking about going out to dinner or a movie. I'm talking clubbing, drinking and dancing. And an amazing thing takes place. The pack mentality takes over. A group of women is much more brazen and fearless than one woman out by herself. They become the pursuer. My original group has changed personnel a number of times and one by one we all got our divorce. No one out of the original group is still with their first husband. Save your marriage? You have to stop the girl's night out. Hopefully her relationships with other men have been all about sex and she has yet to get serious with anyone.


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## Thepoet

fenix311 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. It's not that i don't trust my wife, but my it does make me suspicious when she doesnt communicate with me. To be fair she has never been the one to dicuss her feelings on her own, I have to drag it out. I think if it ever got to a point I don't trust her, then I would leave her.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_



Well, you shouldn't trust her, because she has stepped so far beyond the line, you can't even see her anymore.

I have to agree with the previous poster, that night she didn't come home? 95% chance she slept with some other dude. 

You have your love blinders on in a big way man, she's acting like a drunken horny college chick, and you are LETTING HER DO IT!

I think the other posters are right though, probably too late to salvage this relationship, grab your life vest and jump ship.


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## skb

Thepoet said:


> too late to salvage this relationship, grab your life vest and jump ship.


On second thought I agree with the Poet. Time to give her what she needs, a divorce. Even if you managed to stop Partytime with the GFs you would still be faced with the fact that she's lost all feelings for you. Having been there myself I can assure you she longer has any feelings for you at all.


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