# Official Divorce is soon is it okay to want to date?



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Evening,
I have posted before. My stbx just walked in right after New Years and said she wanted a divorce. Left me blown away and she did the sneaky she is not happy and then turned it into I committed DV while in our 2 therapy sessions. Oh BTW, she claims those 2 sessions helped her out the pieces together. I found hard evidence of at least emotional infidelity with 1 married cop and possible emails in draft of answering dating apps. She cheated and confrontation has gotten ugly with her threatening to call coworkers, my exs 🤣😆, showing me graphs of DV and how I fit the model, etc. I am so ready to move on with the court date of April 25th. The house is selling, I have found a great apartment, and law school is a go. My question is, I would like to date soon. Not play the field but actually find someone that is not crazy and matches what I like/want I order to remarry in the future.
I want someone that is religious, community service, trust, communication, emotional stability, etc. I made a few fake profiles to catch my ex with no success and my attorney knows. Not contacting people though. One profile I looked at really peaked my interest and "liked" my profile. I figured I should change profile and contact her in two weeks for a walk in the park or coffee date. Honestly, I want a great friendship to build into love and marriage. Am I weird for moving to "fast?" The text/emails I found really turned me blah on her on top of her blaming me for DV and 100% the relationship ending my fault even though she left, cheated ,and filed for divorce. Thanks! TM


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

"DV" is a favorite of those who want to justify a divorce in a way that attempts to get a large settlement. If there is no police record, don't worry about it. You lawyer should be the meanest son-of-a-***** in town, one who will STOP AT NOTHING TO WIN your case. Of course, it is going to be 100% your fault. It always is when one person wants the divorce and the other doesn't.

Give yourself one year. No contacting anyone, no dating anyone. Get through the divorce, first. Do not "volunteer" information about "fake profiles"..... it will get used against you to show that you are fraudulent and dishonest.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

If both of you know the end of the relationship is at hand, it is ok to establish other options. As long as the person knows and they are prepared for you to wait until you are free for any serious level of commitment.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> "DV" is a favorite of those who want to justify a divorce in a way that attempts to get a large settlement. If there is no police record, don't worry about it. You lawyer should be the meanest son-of-a-*** in town, one who will STOP AT NOTHING TO WIN your case. Of course, it is going to be 100% your fault. It always is when one person wants the divorce and the other doesn't.
> 
> Give yourself one year. No contacting anyone, no dating anyone. Get through the divorce, first. Do not "volunteer" information about "fake profiles"..... it will get used against you to show that you are fraudulent and dishonest.


I agree with this. Wait a year after the divorce. Give yourself time to heal more and get your mind together. You say you want a religious lady, are you a Christian?
If so you may well meet a nice lady in your church or another local church. There are far more available ladies in the church than men. Far more.

Btw it's really nice to hear of a betrayed guy want to meet another lady for marriage. Most seem to just want to play the field and sleep around at that point.
If you are a Christian only go onto Christian dating sites not general ones.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You'll know in your heart when you are ready to date. Don't confuse religiousness with pureness. There are plenty of cheaters in the front rows of the church every Sunday morning. My best friend and his wife have been together since we were all 16 and they've been together over 37 years. She is a RC and attends church occasionally. He is an atheist and goes to weddings and funerals. Obviously, their beliefs don't align but I have never seen a more happy couple.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> You'll know in your heart when you are ready to date. Don't confuse religiousness with pureness. There are plenty of cheaters in the front rows of the church every Sunday morning. My best friend and his wife have been together since we were all 16 and they've been together over 37 years. She is a RC and attends church occasionally. He is an atheist and goes to weddings and funerals. Obviously, their beliefs don't align but I have never seen a more happy couple.


Many who say they are Rc's dont go to church or even believe in Jesus Christ. Sounds like your friend wife isn't really committed. Often it's merely that they were baptised as RC's for example. 

OP. It does depend on whether you are a committed Christian but if you are don't settle for anything less than another Christian. Otherwise you are on different paths and have different values.
I made the mistake of marrying a non Christian the first time round. Wasn't going to make that mistake again and second time wasn't interested in any guy who didnt have a strong Christian faith and strong values. You are at an advantage being a guy in the church. You should have no problem meeting a nice Christian lady. Dont settle for second best. I didn't and never regretted waiting.


----------



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Many who say they are Rc's dont go to church or even believe in Jesus Christ. Sounds like your friend wife isn't really committed. Often it's merely that they were baptised as RC's for example.
> 
> OP. It does depend on whether you are a committed Christian but if you are don't settle for anything less than another Christian. Otherwise you are on different paths and have different values.
> I made the mistake of marrying a non Christian the first time round. Wasn't going to make that mistake again and second time wasn't interested in any guy who didnt have a strong Christian faith and strong values. You are at an advantage being a guy in the church. You should have no problem meeting a nice Christian lady. Dont settle for second best. I didn't and never regretted waiting.


Thanks D7 and everyone else. I am getting better as days go by and ultimately forgive betrayal and the slanders/libel. I realize I have faults too. However, it's like you said, I want a real Christian woman and not someone on a different path or especially fake Christian. 
The pandemic caused a lot of issues here with churches as with every where. I grew up church of Christ and they shun people who are divorced and don't recommend divorce even to people that are physically, sexually abused stuck with a drug addict etc. I know because I do social work and have had to deal with clients and their churches not helping them in horrible marital problems. 
Right now I am attending a RC Church with dear friends and I am totally aware or their teachings, traditions, etc. I am just trying to build my relationship back with God as well. I am not trying to feel like a Casanova as I never have been a "player." I just want to find a great Christian woman or even a woman that has high interest in God/Jesus and lead her to Him. I have heard guys my age range 30s to 40s tend to want to sow wild oats. That's definitely not me. I want to complete law school and have children again or really adopt. So many children out there needing adoption or at least foster. Thanks again!


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You don't have to wait. As soon as your spouse unilaterally changes the terms of your marriage by saying they want a divorce you are free to do at you please. She already has been.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Many who say they are Rc's dont go to church or even believe in Jesus Christ. Sounds like your friend wife isn't really committed. Often it's merely that they were baptised as RC's for example.
> 
> OP. It does depend on whether you are a committed Christian but if you are don't settle for anything less than another Christian. Otherwise you are on different paths and have different values.
> I made the mistake of marrying a non Christian the first time round. Wasn't going to make that mistake again and second time wasn't interested in any guy who didnt have a strong Christian faith and strong values. You are at an advantage being a guy in the church. You should have no problem meeting a nice Christian lady. Dont settle for second best. I didn't and never regretted waiting.


Sorry but, this really made me laugh. Who are you to judge my friend's wife? She is a wonderful person. Besides being a devoted wife and mother , she gives a lot of her time for the community. She has a hectic work schedule as a public health nurse but still attends church ,albeit not regularly.Her husband was, but is no longer, a believer. Should she kick him to the curb now that his beliefs have changed? He's not the only atheist I know. I know several and guess what......no baby killers or criminals amongst them.
I am a Christian but I would judge someone on their character far more than their religious affiliation. I


----------



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Sorry but, this really made me laugh. Who are you to judge my friend's wife? She is a wonderful person. Besides being a devoted wife and mother , she gives a lot of her time for the community. She has a hectic work schedule as a public health nurse but still attends church ,albeit not regularly.Her husband was, but is no longer, a believer. Should she kick him to the curb now that his beliefs have changed? He's not the only atheist I know. I know several and guess what......no baby killers or criminals amongst them.
> I am a Christian but I would judge someone on their character far more than their religious affiliation. I


Not trying to pick sides or start a war but I agree.

"But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy." 1 Corinthians 7: 12-14


----------



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> You don't have to wait. As soon as your spouse unilaterally changes the terms of your marriage by saying they want a divorce you are free to do at you please. She already has been.


True that. Not trying to go back to my past but I uncovered some pretty shady stuff about a year ago with unsent emails that looked like drafts to dating site inquiries. Also, text to a married cop asking him out for drinks and to rent a cabin. Later, after she left, sexual talk about how she likes to be whipped, tied up, spanked, etc. I just don't wanted hatred and bitterness in my heart. It's not right and it will destroy me as well as my future. I am getting there and better.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Sorry but, this really made me laugh. Who are you to judge my friend's wife? She is a wonderful person. Besides being a devoted wife and mother , she gives a lot of her time for the community. She has a hectic work schedule as a public health nurse but still attends church ,albeit not regularly.Her husband was, but is no longer, a believer. Should she kick him to the curb now that his beliefs have changed? He's not the only atheist I know. I know several and guess what......no baby killers or criminals amongst them.
> I am a Christian but I would judge someone on their character far more than their religious affiliation. I


Committed RC's see going to mass as sacrosanct. She rarely goes you said.
That's not to say she isn't a really nice person, it's just how RC's roll.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thats good.


teutonic_metal said:


> True that. Not trying to go back to my past but I uncovered some pretty shady stuff about a year ago with unsent emails that looked like drafts to dating site inquiries. Also, text to a married cop asking him out for drinks and to rent a cabin. Later, after she left, sexual talk about how she likes to be whipped, tied up, spanked, etc. I just don't wanted hatred and bitterness in my heart. It's not right and it will destroy me as well as my future. I am getting there and better.


Thats good. Forgiveness is so important for our well being isn't it.
I have heard lots of bad things about the C of C. They have some weird un-biblical teachings. More like a cult really.
RC's also don't believe in divorce, hence they use the word 'annulment' instead to make it seem ok.

Personally I would find a good welcoming Protestant church. One where you won't be condemned for being divorced. I have never once felt in anyway condemned for being divorced in any church I have been to. Neither of us have.
Married now for nearly 17 years.


----------



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Thats good.
> 
> Thats good. Forgiveness is so important for our well being isn't it.
> I have heard lots of bad things about the C of C. They have some weird un-biblical teachings. More like a cult really.
> ...


Good to hear that. I wouldn't say c of C is cult because they are non denominational and each is autonomous from the other. This means you can go from one to the other and have slightly different teachings/beliefs. 
But, they do shun people that get a divorce. They ultimately believe, unless the spouse dies or is caught in the act of physical adultery, then you can't remarry and shouldn't divorce. I have seen physical abuse, drug addiction, emotional affairs and they won't help and believe the couple should seek counseling or work it out. It's really messed up.
D7, what Protestant are you? I'm not a big fan of denominations but am open to others as long as they have a good biblical base and welcoming.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

teutonic_metal said:


> Good to hear that. I wouldn't say c of C is cult because they are non denominational and each is autonomous from the other. This means you can go from one to the other and have slightly different teachings/beliefs.
> But, they do shun people that get a divorce. They ultimately believe, unless the spouse dies or is caught in the act of physical adultery, then you can't remarry and shouldn't divorce. I have seen physical abuse, drug addiction, emotional affairs and they won't help and believe the couple should seek counseling or work it out. It's really messed up.
> D7, what Protestant are you? I'm not a big fan of denominations but am open to others as long as they have a good biblical base and welcoming.


We aren't really any particular denomination. I was bought up as Anglican, went to a lovely Baptist church in my teens. 
I have been to churches of about 6 or 7 different denominations. I usually find a church that follows most closely to The Bibles teaching and that is welcoming. I have been to Baptist, Vineyard, Church of England, Methodist, New Frontiers, community churches etc.
.I wouldn't go to a RC church though as they have many very un-biblical teachings.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up on and stay away rebounds. You have enough problems right now.
Cut off all contact with the x. I’d let my attorney handle the D process. If not then only communicate through text or emails. Anything you do can and will be used against you.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Are you in the right mindset to date, would you say? It takes time to heal. I think people need to be somewhat over their exes before dating others, married or otherwise. Just my opinion.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> OP. It does depend on whether you are a committed Christian but if you are don't settle for anything less than another Christian. Otherwise you are on different paths and have different values.


I can’t agree with this more. Unequally yoked rarely works. My STBX checked off all the boxes, except being a Christian. I foolishly overlooked it. Never again. 

As Christians, we’re to wait on and trust God. And that is especially true for relationships. Don’t just trust when someone tells you they are a Christian, but verify.


----------

