# Im loosing it today.



## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I feel like im losing it today. We've been apart for 4 months and today my emotions are running wild. Feelings of anger, frustration, hurt and every other one you can add on to the list. The fact that she didn't try at all to give us a second chance. How do you give up on your spouse, marriage and a relationship of 16 years. How do you justify it? I've never been one to cry but today it hit me hard..


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well man its not easy to give up on especially when you have as long as you do invested in it. Crying is natural when you are going through such pain and this will be the hardest thing you will have to go through in life. They are people on here that have been married 20-30 years that have gone through this exact same thing. Main thing is feel your emotions and let them rip through you then focus on picking up the pieces of your life and getting on with life. Keep your head up and know it does get better. If she is willing to walk away after all you two have been through then you deserve someone better and as hard as it is to believe you will run across that someone better one day.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

How long has it been for you lostouthere? How are you coping with it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Been married 13 years, wife has had boyfriend 1.5 years or so, found out 7 months ago, several false reconciliations, separated 2 months ago, working on divorce.

Let those tears roll. I need to go find a post by Pit of my Stomach. He found a study on the chemical composition of tears. Happy tears are chemically different than sad tears. Your body apparently is actually getting rid of some of the chemicals that are adding to your sadness. The body is very complex. Just another reason to let them roll whenever you feel like crying.

Yes, the roller coaster is hell. Those days truly suck. Just look ahead, there will be brighter days coming. The lower the lows, the higher the highs. Last week, I was right with you. These past few days, it's like I'm totally high on life. I don't know any other way to describe it. I'm sure I have some more low days coming as well. Just hang in there. You are not alone. You will get through this day. There are brighter days ahead.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Let you're emotions rage through you. It's better purged then not. 

Some days are better then others. Likewise some days are worse. I've had a total stinker today, and am not feeling too good. 

It passes, tomorrow is different. 

I don't know. I'm all over the place today. 

So a completely pointless message of support for you then. I do believe we'll all get there in the end, but you're not alone my friend. There's no easy answer. 

Though I am thinking about coming over to America in the Summer and getting blind drunk over there, you know, just for a change of scenery. Well, that and there seem to be a lot of Americans on here, and I've always thought you lot were a terrific bunch.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

JAYBLACK973 said:


> How long has it been for you lostouthere? How are you coping with it.


Its been over 2 months since she moved out roller coaster started in May. She wanted a divorce right after she moved out and I went and filed it as I know my boundaries and cheating is not one I will tolerate and cannot get over.

I must say it has gotten better but I still have up and down days and the past few were very rough. They come and go and you just have to roll with the punches. When you love someone as much as some of us here do it makes it very hard. Going no contact has helped me out tremendously.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: Im losing it today.*

I had no idea of how many people are going through the same situation. It does feel like this is the place to be on and talk to so many good hearted people. Thank you!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jayblack, I agree this is a wonderful place to be on... 5 months since dday for me (4.5 months separated), she was in an affair(s) ended the relationship (sat on the fence though) in order to pursue her affairs with a guilt free conciensce, hasn't looked back at the sh!tpile of a mess she left me in her wake. I was in a real bad way for about 3 or 4 weeks during which time I decided to try to let go and, found a lot of strength, learned a lot about myself, about my relationship why it failed, how to let go and to start changing myself in the ways I've felt I've needed to for myself. After the worst of it was over It was a real roller coaster of emotion, then it flatlined for a long time, and loneliness has really set in lately. It's amazing how predictable we can all be - seems like I follow the same formula as most other betrayed spouses on here, especially the "nice guys". I have found myself feeling a lot less committed to this site lately just because it is on the internet and I really need to get outside more and see and be seen by live people, but manage to find a lot of time to spend on here anyway... without this resource I think I would have taken so much longer to recover to the point I have so far...


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

*Re: Im losing it today.*



JAYBLACK973 said:


> I had no idea of how many people are going through the same situation. It does feel like this is the place to be on and talk to so many good hearted people. Thank you!



Yes, there are a lot of us going through the same thing. You're very welcome. It's a rough ride, but there isn't really anything you can do about it. We didn't make the choice to get on this ride. We just have to hang on, buckle up, and ride it out.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

*Re: Im losing it today.*



JAYBLACK973 said:


> I had no idea of how many people are going through the same situation. It does feel like this is the place to be on and talk to so many good hearted people. Thank you!


Yes there is alot of people in the same boat. It has defiantely helped me through the worst of it jay and will do the same for you. We all are here with you if you need just post whats on your mind man its great for getting stuff off your chest.

And as hurt said I dont remember buying a ticket for this da*n ride and would like to get off.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

I've had a lot of good cries and thrown up several times too - good times to get so upset that you puke! The crying is good. Writing in a journal is good. This site is therapeutic too is long as you don't get wrapped in too long. Of course exercise is also a huge reliever during these times? 

It's been over two months since D-Day for me. Started with what I simply thought was an unhappy wife and ended up discovering an EA. This has been so hard - dealing with an EA is brutal. And the fact that DS can just walk away without admitting the EA finished our marriage. Then you add the lies and continued deception - its tough. She moves out in a few weeks - can't wait now!


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I took a nap. I guess that helped somewhat. I haven't really slept since all of this has begun. The weight loss and stress has made life hellish at work. I work in healthcare and you always want to take care of your patients but now it like i want no parts of dealing with them. Since she's been gone i had continued to help fer financialy but i stopped it recently when she wouldn't give the marriage the commitment it needed. Now shes asking for the elliptical machine and other various stuff. i think that shes just trying to push my buttons. I'm an easy going guy but now that she sees me making improvements to the home and myself shes going to act selfish as she called me because she would come here and stuff would be missing while i was at work and i would tell her to bring whatever she took back.


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## stunned1 (Sep 9, 2011)

Sorry to hear yet another story like mine...tomorrow will be a month since we had our first talk about the situation. I was stunned, shellshocked, and devastated. To make a long story short, the wife wasnt happy, hadnt been for quite some time. She felt she couldnt hide or deal with it anymore....10 yrs down the drain.

Im in counseling, on anti Dep, and anti anxiety meds...will it get better? Of course it will, is the road there going to be long and hard, yes it will. But I will survive this, but surviving isnt enough I want to thrive.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I need honesty from all out there. Is it wrong to still want to be with my wife? There are times where i see the woman i fell in love with and then she realizes that her gaurd is down and then its back to being cold. She says that she thinking things out. Will there be a time when im gonna say its too late and not want her anymore?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

It's been a bad few days for me too, Jay. I had about 3 good weeks, well, good in that I didn't cry or feel so depressed. Friday night I started to feel myself fall down hill and have had a bad few days since then. I cry when I have to cry. If I'm at work I hide out in the restroom until it passes. I believe that there is some truth how crying releases bad chemicals. I do feel a little better after a good cry.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JAYBLACK973 said:


> I need honesty from all out there. Is it wrong to still want to be with my wife? There are times where i see the woman i fell in love with and then she realizes that her gaurd is down and then its back to being cold. She says that she thinking things out. Will there be a time when im gonna say its too late and not want her anymore?



No, it's not wrong to still want to be with her. I think it is very normal. Like several have said, you can't just flip a switch and be over her just like that. 

Some do reconcile. In those cases, BOTH partners have to work hard, but it is possible if both are on the same page of wanting to reconcile.

Some don't reconcile. I'm in that boat, as several here are. I wanted my wife for a long time, even after going through total hell with her. These past few days, I can say I pretty much over her and don't want her anymore. I still dream about her almost every night, usually bad involving her and her boyfriend. In my waking moments, I am thinking about her less and less.

Everyone goes through this roller coaster at different speeds.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Jay, from one sista who has been there and done all that not too long ago, I can tell you it does get easier and your heart and spirit do heal. I am waiting to hear word from that wonderful H of mine on the offical end of my marriage. I have cried and been so disappointed that the future I was hoping for would not be. Now, six months (sat) out and I am fine, my world continues to turn, I find great joy and even some minutes of happiness. I decided very early on to keep it moving forward. There was no back and forth between us...like Amistad the slave...."he wanted free" yes, your sense of humor even comes back. For a while I had shame and embarassment that I was only able to hold on to my marriage just shy of two years, but that is no longer my concern. I learned that I had no control over him and his decisions. I could only decide for me. Now the fact that you posted a pic, tells me you are ahead of the game. You have your head in the right direction in asking how long.... well no one can answer that except you. All goodbyes are not gone. Just do what is best for you and your family. You are 100% correct about this site. Just having a place to come where others not only understand they are goin through it as well is a great help. I come on here more than most places I go, truly helped me get back to myself. I will be praying for you and you pray for me. We will get through this and come out smiling.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I agree with others bro its not wrong to want her. I use to want mine back but now Im at a point I dont want to go through this with her and I cant forget it so no point in me trying. If she can walk out and do something like that on me man I do not need that in my life I have more to worry about and more to offer than that type of mess. Just keep your head up and take it one day at a time.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

My night is slow here at work so am able to get on TAM. I honestly feel more love from you guys than I have gotten from my wife in some months now. It feels good to hear meaningful words and not the negative ones I get from the spouse. At the moment my spirits is up and im trying to keep this feeling going. My co-worker says that my wife isn't worth the effort. Any woman that would toss asside her marriage so easily doesn't deserve a husband like myself. Im just about at that point of not looking back and just keep going. She wants all the benefits of having me as her husband without being in the same household. My focus will be on my 2 children. I have one in his second year of college and one thats graduating from high school in 2012..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JAYBLACK973 said:


> My focus will be on my 2 children.


That is very helpful for me. I am completely focused on my kids as well. Mine are 8, 9, and 11.


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

JAYBLACK973 said:


> I need honesty from all out there. Is it wrong to still want to be with my wife? There are times where i see the woman i fell in love with and then she realizes that her gaurd is down and then its back to being cold. She says that she thinking things out. Will there be a time when im gonna say its too late and not want her anymore?


Perfectly normal to miss your wife. It's been 2 months for me and I do. But you must come to terms the the brutally honest truth....she is no longer you "sweetheart" nor the woman you married. That person no longer exists. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you have to move on. Make yourself better, get in shape...take ownership of what you could have done better, but NEVER blame yourself


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

In some ways i have started the process of taking a step or two forward. I have stopped her mail from coming here and i also took the house keys from her. I went out and got my own car insurance. I got tired of her saying that she couldn't pay the car insurance and then i would have to pay it along with all the other household bills i am stuck with. Like i said, i continued to do the husbandly stuff even though she wasn't her. I think that she would have continued to milk it until she figures out her next move. Her father told me to stop and so i did. I am no stranger to being alone, i am the only child so that doesn't bother me. I currently continuing to pay her medical insurance. The only reason i feel bad is because my wife is one day away from being ill again because kidney transplants have no garauntees. Her meds out of pocket are about 350 a month. Today isn't so bad i have a host of things to do and im going down my list 1 by 1..


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Glad to hear your day is going well jay. Keep your head up man you will get through it. Today is reality day for me as my divorce is final and well nothing left to hold onto no more. Just no you can get through it.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

That sucks lostouthere. I guess that day will come for me eventually unless by some chance God steps in and shows her the light of day but i will continue on my friend.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi Jay, sorry to read about your story, as everyone says make sure you let out your feelings on here. I have had a lot of help, some of which I found difficult to do but as time goes on it starts to get easier

I'm 3 months seperated from my wife of 10 years ( next week) and I have 3 kids under 8 years old. Its only now that I am starting to get my head around thinsg after her full blown PA with an old friend of hers (and mine). 

I've cried more tears over this than anything else in my life but in some ways it's been good to get it out of my system. Try your best to focus on you. Maybe she will blame shift and make you feel like it was all your fault but don't believe that, although take what she says on board, analyse it and think about what things about yourself that you could improve and focus on those. Even if you never reconcile with your partner those changes will stand you in good stead for what lies ahead.

I've found the site useful and helpful but I think it's good to speak to real people. Find a good friend and use up all their good will you can, even if it means visiting them every night and pouring your heart out to them, trust me it is better than pouring it out to your partner becuase right now they won't want to hear it and it will make things worse.

I don't think it's wrong to still want to be with her, deep down I still hope one day my wife will come out of the fog and find her way back to me. I guess in time that might pass but for now i put it to the back of my mind and try to get on, focusing on my kids.

Don't fight how you feel, just control how and to who you express those feelings to


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I have certain friends that are helping me through this, mostly woman. Her father has been like the best, he and i have alwasy been close. My pastor and my own father give great advice. Im sure it hurts her that my father in-law is taking sides with me and is treating me like a son. I haven't told my children that we aren't together. My children love her like she is they're mom, especialy my son whom has her listed as his mother on facebook. I have work tonight and that will make me focus on something other than her. Im still fighting the urge to text or call her but i hope that everyday presents more highs for me than the lows.


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## LonelyIrish (Jun 5, 2011)

All sounds very familiar. My wife "needed space" 4 months ago and just left and never came back. No other man, just something screwed up in her head and she didn't want marriage any more. Married 9 years, together 13.
I ,like you, have good days and bad days.
Some days I think about her 10 times, some days 100 times.
I know that in the first month it was nearly constant and asking myself questions all day long. Then feeling angry and then sad for my family and friends and then lonely and then a sense of self preservation whereby I know I'll be ok on my own. I'm only in my 30s though and I'm healthy and knowing all this is a good thing.

If I was you I would love yourself more. You know all your good points and tell yourself that those traits are important and admired by others. She was 90% of your life in the past so now you need to fill that 90% with other things and not leave an empty hole.
Thats how I am getting through this, but to be honest i's really tough going. 

One thing I can say for sure is that exercise is great. You feel great after it and it lasts for the evening. Moping around the house is not good.

Good luck chief!

LI


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## Clear&PureBoostedHeart (Sep 28, 2011)

JAYBLACK973 said:


> I feel like im losing it today. We've been apart for 4 months and today my emotions are running wild. Feelings of anger, frustration, hurt and every other one you can add on to the list. The fact that she didn't try at all to give us a second chance. How do you give up on your spouse, marriage and a relationship of 16 years. How do you justify it? I've never been one to cry but today it hit me hard..


Sometimes you just got to tear up. I am in your shoes also my friend. It has been a surreal Summer for myself. I call it like being in some sort of 'MATRIX'.
Definitely work out if you do. Keep busy...and most of all. Pray if you have faith!
Will you make it through today?


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

Since the day I realized my Marriage was in trouble I began to seek out God. I realized that I needed spiritual comfort besides doing MC. Just one more thing that pissed her off. My going to church made her angrier because I never attended church with her on Sundays. I'm joining the Y with a co-worker this week. I'm taking a Yoga class and looking forward to swimming and just good interaction with people...


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