# My husband wants to move abroad



## Atto29

Please give me some impartial advice. 

My husband lived abroad for a lot of his childhood. I lived in one place and am very much a 'homebird'. He has always expressed his desire to move abroad and to be honest, although he knew I never particularly fancied the idea, i suppose I thought that I would at some point. We have 2 wonderful young boys (4 and 5) who are the centre of our life. My husband is desparate to move abroad and is unhappy with me because he feels trapped. I can see this point but I would miss home and my family and friends too much. He calls me boring. Although some people may disagree with me (and I can see both sides), I just don't feel it would be the best for them. We have drifted apart but I've often think that the children have kept us together. Splitting up would break their hearts. It's not what I ever wanted wither as my own parents split up when I was 12. 

I cave up my full time permanant contract when I had my second child to become a full time mother (although I have done some part time work to bring in some extra money). This was my choice but I would be in deep financial trouble if the worst was to happen.

If only I could change his mind that moving abroad isn't the be all and end of things. But it is to him. In winter he moans constantly about the dark nights, and now in summer he always mentions the terrible weather and much better it would be abroad. Anyone any advice please?


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## Halien

My wife grew up in another country, but her family is here in America. For a time, we discussed moving to this other country, but only when the doctor said that she would be unable to conceive. We felt that our family connections would be very important to children, so when she got pregnant, all such discussions ended. Ultimately, it comes down to a rational decision of what is better for the family, and not just one individual, in my opinion.

That said, in my company, executive management positions usually involve a career path with overseas assignments. My wife and I discussed this long ago, and she agreed that after the kids were in high school, the option would be open. For me, though, technology has helped me to stay within America, while supervising employees in other countries, so I'm no longer sure about the move.

Again, I think the key is that it must be a situation where both are willing and interested, yet assuming that the one who is least interested is not just giving in to personal fears. In other words, if you have practical reasons for not wanting to go, then he should respect that until those issues are resolved.

Obviously, I could be wrong, but it just seems that his reasons for wanting to go sound alot like escapism. Problems will exist everywhere he goes, so it is important to learn how to find contentment if there is truly nothing wrong with where you live.


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## onepotatotwo

It sounds like your husband has been watching too much Revolutionary Road.lol Sorry, didn't mean to sound dismissive--it really is so similar to the story of that movie...

Moving abroad won't solve any problems--and that was kind of the basis for the movie. His discontent isn't going to magically fix itself somewhere else. Plus moving abroad comes with it's own set of problems. I married an Australian and lived there for 5 plus years. When you live in another country, you are subject to their laws--did you know in South Australia it is legal for a man to beat you with an object the same circumference as his index finger? Nice laws huh?! Plus, when you live overseas, you become more dependent on your partner--and if your relationship has any problems this will just magnify them. Even in the best of relationships, which was how it was in my first marriage, it is a struggle to live overseas...the loneliness is sooo hard even for outgoing people who make friends easily. Plus, I am very home-oriented like you, and I missed my *family* so much it was just unbearable. 
Don't get me wrong, I loved my life overseas and the adventure, but in my case it put all the "power" in the relationship in the hands of my exH, and that power went to his head. 
I don't think moving will make your husband happy...I hope he will realize that.


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## Oceansized

Atto29 said:


> Please give me some impartial advice.
> 
> My husband lived abroad for a lot of his childhood. I lived in one place and am very much a 'homebird'. He has always expressed his desire to move abroad and to be honest, although he knew I never particularly fancied the idea, i suppose I thought that I would at some point. We have 2 wonderful young boys (4 and 5) who are the centre of our life. My husband is desparate to move abroad and is unhappy with me because he feels trapped. I can see this point but I would miss home and my family and friends too much. He calls me boring. Although some people may disagree with me (and I can see both sides), I just don't feel it would be the best for them. We have drifted apart but I've often think that the children have kept us together. Splitting up would break their hearts. It's not what I ever wanted wither as my own parents split up when I was 12.
> 
> I cave up my full time permanant contract when I had my second child to become a full time mother (although I have done some part time work to bring in some extra money). This was my choice but I would be in deep financial trouble if the worst was to happen.
> 
> If only I could change his mind that moving abroad isn't the be all and end of things. But it is to him. In winter he moans constantly about the dark nights, and now in summer he always mentions the terrible weather and much better it would be abroad. Anyone any advice please?


Sounds like me! I always moan about the weather and want to move abroad! Just one big circle which comes back around again and again! Like my situation, don't think there is an answer that will be good for either side. IMO neither are right or wrong! just want different things in life.


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## heartsbeating

I see this is an old thread.... but ah well.

There's a difference between going TO somewhere, rather than escaping FROM somewhere. Contentment is important.

Both my H and I moved from our home countries when we were younger (before we met). It's interesting how that affected us both. He craves stability as a result. I tend to crave moving around. We both felt ready to move interstate and as a location, it suited us better for various reasons. We then moved overseas together for a time, and again, were both keen on this. Now we both have the desire to stay put for a while. Even so, it's been H that has mentioned the future and he'd be into relocating again, if we both wanted. His mindset has altered since the experience. We don't have children. While I think there's a lot to be said for contentment, I do think there are locations that may be more congruent with our personalities - such as the culture of the people, landscape and such. 

There's a lot to be experienced about ourselves when away from everything and everyone familiar. It can certainly add stress to a relationship though. It's challenging having your head-spin with culture shock and figuring out how another country works. Then dealing with moments of home-sickness, especially on those stressful days; making friends, embracing the changes etc. While I think the exposure can be beneficial, essentially you're still the same person. If one is miserable at home, chances are they'll be miserable abroad. If one thinks his wife is boring, chances are he'll think she's boring when abroad. If you're pretty happy-go-lucky then it's most likely you'll be happy-go-lucky when abroad too.

Travel is important to me. Hubs knew this and while it's important to him too, there's a balance between us. I feel he balances my irrational urges to take off, and he's told me he feels I balance him to be more flexible. 

If you have issues now, going abroad and uprooting your family, will most likely heighten the cracks that are already there. It does need to be something that both agree on.


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## *needaunderstand*

maybe getting him to take vacations and travel more will help. maybe he is having a midlife crisis, and he pictured himself somewhere grand in the future and he worries that his life is passing him by and he is doing nothing about it. traveling can be fun, for a short time. but it gets lonely without your loved ones.


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