# Am I losing it or is somthing going on?



## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Ohboyherewego says it all for me. Some back ground of my relationship. Im 31 wife 29 we have been together 12yrs married for 8. Have 2 wonderful kids 3 and 9 months old. 

We have been happy in our relationship up until 2 years ago. We fell into debt, moved out of state to be close to family and were looking for a way back to being normal.

Upon our arrival to this new state I found that my wife was trying to contact an old friend on FB. she made contact I asked about the relationship she said it was nothing, not until i dug deeper did I find out more and she told me THIS MAN HAS A PIECE OF MY HEART. she was 16 at the time she last saw him and finally found him online. Long story short she told me she wanted to see him once again and kiss him goodbye. I told her that if she did so I would not be here when she got back. I feel that she has moved on and we are past that now. btw he is over 1000 miles away.

We moved back home now and normal life has been restored. She was engulfed by the 50 Shades of Gray trilogy and things were exciting once again. She has been reading all books alike now.

Recently she has become very secret about her FB account again and changed passwords on email and other accounts as well also deletes browser history now.RED FLAG! excitement is gone, new lingerie not used as much, but does wear to work sometimes RED FLAG! New FB account in maiden name. RED FLAG! was explained to me that she did not know how to add her maiden name to her other account.

I have become more in tune once again now and dig deeper. No signs of the old friend but a new one on her FB account. A friend of mine that was a coworker in a facility that she now works at. YELLOW FLAG! HE LOOKS A LOT LIKE ME so i know the initial attraction is there. They work the night shift together once and awhile together. When i asked about him became defensive and asked why am I so worried about her FB account. She said he is nice to me and I accepted his friend request. 

She closed the account or so she wanted me to think but my digging deeper just showed that she would just activate and deactivate the account whenever she logged on so i never noticed she was online. Well account is back open now and she is back at it. 

We had a fallout recently about her not noticing me anymore and long story short. She said she has moved on from the old us "pre kids" to us now. We both work and only have two nights off together and those are controlled by the kids. There is no us time. Only late at night when we are both tired.

She says we will be us again one day and leads me to believe that she has accepted this life with kids and I have not. She gets angry that I am so nosy and ask her questions all the time. I am treading on thin ice and have lost all confidence as a man in this relationship I fear she is done and is moving on with reality and is only here because of the kids. she tells me she loves me with all her heart and that will never change.

Am I stuck in our old reality when it was just us?

Am I losing it or is something going on?

Ps I cant stop digging and I am bothered by the person she is. or has become.
Pss she wants to go out of town with a friend for her 30th birthday.
:scratchhead:


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You're not losing it. Privacy is one thing, secrecy is another. 
You are onto her and she is blame shifting.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I never looked at it this way.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You both set your priorities, and being married means making your spouse a priority. Your wife might want to try that if she's not happy with your questioning.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Big red flag, why would she want to celebrate her 30th birthday without you? It is after all one of those 'milestone' birthdays.

Has she ever wanted to celebrate a birthday without you before?

Be very careful, although it may all be coincidence it does look as though she is on the slippery slope.

Who is the friend, what as far as you know are her morals?
There are people who are known as 'toxic friends' and they seem to delight in bringing other peoples marriages down.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Big red flag, why would she want to celebrate her 30th birthday without you? It is after all one of those 'milestone' birthdays.
> 
> Has she ever wanted to celebrate a birthday without you before?
> 
> ...


Do you assume it's a she?

OP who is the friend? How do you know who it is?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

She's cheating .
You did not deal with it properly the first time when she said
" this man has a piece of my heart ." So she just continued.

She is unhappy and sounds a bit immature to me.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Pfft - when you get married you lose the right to privacy. You become one. Follow your gut on this one. How ARE her morals? Ever cheated before?

Ask her straight up, where you guys stand in your marriage, right now. Wouldn't say she's cheating yet, likely having an emotional affair, which will blow into a PA.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

No, you are not losing it. Yes, something is going on.

It's time you gathered hard evidence and confronted her with it. You may want to look into voice activated recorders for her car, and a key logger for the computer. Her mind is elsewhere and not on the family.

I'm also going to move your thread over to CWI. You'll get a lot of helpful advice there.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

kipani said:


> Pfft - when you get married you lose the right to privacy. You become one. Follow your gut on this one. How ARE her morals? Ever cheated before?
> 
> Ask her straight up, where you guys stand in your marriage, right now. Wouldn't say she's cheating yet, likely having an emotional affair, which will blow into a PA.


Geezus man, get a key longer installed on all your computers ASAP. like YESERDAY. Don't fuss about how much effort it is either, just do whatever it takes and get one. Keyloggers are a suspicious spouse's best ally. And yes, those are a lot of red flags, I'm gonna say you definitely have something to be suspicious of


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

PS: I think you're beyond asking her for straight answers at this point. Sounds like she'll just lie to get you off the scent now


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Recently she has become very secret about her FB account again and changed passwords on email and other accounts as well also deletes browser history now.RED FLAG! excitement is gone, new lingerie not used as much, but does wear to work sometimes RED FLAG! New FB account in maiden name. RED FLAG! was explained to me that she did not know how to add her maiden name to her other account.
> 
> *She wears the new lingerie because she is showing it off to someone at work - she is finding out when they will work together and wearing it on those nights. She may be meeting up with him in the car during break, lunch, before or after work. Get a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and place it under the seat of her car. Get a keylogger on the computer. My guess is that this has become physical.*
> 
> ...


Have you seen the messages between the two. My guess is that they have begun a physical romance, based on her wearing the lingerie.

It would be best if you could get some evidence to confront her with. She probably plans to meet up with this guy on her birthday. The earlier you can put a stop to this, the better your chances of saving your marriage.

It might be worth it to let her go on her 30th birthday and then follow her and confront her.

Sorry if you were not expecting this type of advice, but look around at the other threads on here, many of them start off just like yours and end up with the poster finding out their spouse is in an emotional/physical affair. Your wife is showing all of the signs.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

relate said:


> PS: I think you're beyond asking her for straight answers at this point. Sounds like she'll just lie to get you off the scent now


Go back to acting normal, not suspicious, but continue to try to gather evidence. She is just going to lie, lie, lie about it without the evidence.

You don't need any evidence to divorce her over her behavior, you can ask her to give up facebook, demand that she end the way she's acting, demand that she quit her job right now (which is what this will come to if she's cheating with the guy from work), but I think you probably need to see the evidence as much as she does in order to prompt you take some decisive action to end what is very probably an affair.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

No you are not losing it, there is somthing going.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Recently she has become very secret about her FB account again and changed passwords on email and other accounts as well also deletes browser history now.RED FLAG! excitement is gone, new lingerie not used as much, but does wear to work sometimes RED FLAG! New FB account in maiden name. RED FLAG! was explained to me that she did not know how to add her maiden name to her other account.





> Pss she wants to go out of town with a friend for her 30th birthday.



She is cheating!!!!!!!! Its right there in front of you. In your face. She works at nights with a man she FB with, buys lingerie and wears it to work, keeps account activity hidden from you.Uses maiden name. And now whats to spend her 30th birthday without you so she could be with her [email protected]#k Buddy. She is reading 50 shades of grey to get charged up for someone, but its not you.
I'm :scratchhead: as to how you don't see this. Put a Keylogger on here computer. Get your manhood by showing her some divorce papers if she is not willing to come clean about her affair. Make a stand for yourself. a women who "lovers you with all her heart" does not pull the Bull$%^t she is doing. Actions Speak Louder Than Words.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

To many red flags and some to RED . Investigate Investigate Investigate and again INVESTIGATE. But first stop saying or doing things to alarm her .Give her a false sense of security

Use VAR (voice activated recorder ) put them in her car and in your house ( in the rooms that she will be probably have conversation with OM ) , hide them well and test them .

GPS logger for her car . 

Install a keylogger on her computer and phone. 

Test her underwear with a spermkit , when you suspect that something does don't add up 

Try to search her things ( purse ,car ) and your house for condoms , sex toys , lingerie , receipts ,SECOND PHONE , SECOND PHONE, SECOND PHONE......... . 
DON'T get caught (always remember where the things where and put them back as they where take a photo it may help you)

Is the other man married? If yes , even if you have have no evidence ( Bad luck for him he should not befriend a married woman ) and only if you have set up your investigation hardware and software and spy on her for few weeks , through a third party (so it can not be traced back to you ) inform his wife that he has an affair with a coworker (your wife) . Sit back an watch the fallout , if something is up then they will communicate , arrange it so that your wife will be home (weekends or at holidays ) give the vars some change to record something

Hire a PI and let her to go out of town with a friend for her 30th birthday. Or if money is a problem try to follow her , leave the children with your parents ( or someone else ) and if asked say that you have go to work or something more believable , and try to confirm the where about of the OM ( remember if its not him it may be another , many WS have multiple OM )


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm afraid your wife never grew old. She's still 16. 

Too bad you let yourself be taken for a fool.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

When you find evidence that she is cheating don't react but ACT . Before you confront her ,come here and ask again for advice ( not only will you get some god advice but it will give you some time to process the situation and formulate a better plan). When you confront here you must be ready for everything and the best way to shock her is to have with you divorce papers.

And it would be god if you became familliar with the 180


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

I also wanted to add to my and other posts above one very important point. GET YOUR PROOF. Here's a scenario you do NOT ever want to happen: You confront her without hard evidence because you're so stressed out you want to put a scare into her. It works, she freaks out, quietly ends the affair on her own, BUT denies anything ever happened. You accept that because you can't do anything based on just suspicions. You just shot yourself in the foot. You're going to spend the next 10 years almost positive you busted her. But you'll never know. And it will sit in the back of your mind forever.

Don't confront her until you have concrete proof. Just. Don't.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are seeing the flags. Not just one, but many. She has something/someone else going on. Please dig a little deeper. If you cannot find anymore information without alerting her, then have her log into everything right in front of you. Have her hand over the computer/phone as soon as she does. I bet you she starts to get jittery. That will be you last red flag. Tell her that you do not want her to be in contact with this so called "friend" anymore. I also would not want her going out of town. Birthdays are meant to be spent with family first then friends. Not the other way around. Or how about you surprise her by just showing up on the out of town trip.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> You are seeing the flags. Not just one, but many. She has something/someone else going on. Please dig a little deeper. If you cannot find anymore information without alerting her, then have her log into everything right in front of you. Have her hand over the computer/phone as soon as she does. I bet you she starts to get jittery. That will be you last red flag. Tell her that you do not want her to be in contact with this so called "friend" anymore. I also would not want her going out of town. Birthdays are meant to be spent with family first then friends. Not the other way around. Or how about you surprise her by just showing up on the out of town trip.


I actually oppose this advice. If she has been clever and diligent, all the emails and IM's are being erased daily. 

I would rather advise you to *not* alert her so her guard is relaxed, and install a keylogger. 100% more effective than getting her to log in her email, find nothing conclusive and raise her guard so it becomes even harder to catch her.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

oh boy, your situation sounds like mine. Read the thread "wife is having a midlife crisis...what do i do?" My wife is VERY protective of her FB account and any prying by me is a demonstration of my overbearing jealousy and controlling personality (both which after 13 years of marriage are new).


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

great advise! need to find a keylogger for phone and for kindle fire. she doesnt touch any other computer in the house. any one know of any


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

ohboy, go to coping with infidelity section, there are a couple threads on this. I just started one too, "how do i catch my wife possibly cheating?"


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to go full on investigation mode:

She is very clearly cheating, those aren't simple red flags they are neon candy apple red flags.

Wearing the sexy lingere to work that she bought for playtime with you, but playtime has stopped. Seriously? At least you know where she's hooking up with the OM.

1. Keylogger on the computer
2. Voice activated recorder in her car. Olympus from walmart/bestbuy
3. Get a at home semen test kit and check her panties when she get home.

Find out as much as you can about the OM especially a wife or gf. Do not waste time confronting him. Do however contact his wife/gf.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

The OM is now divorced and has 3 kids. His wife cheated on him twice. Don't think he has a girlfriend but will look into it. Waiting on the semen kit.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Be carefull how you do things.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Ohboyherewego says it all for me. Some back ground of my relationship. Im 31 *wife 29* we have been together 12yrs *married for 8*. Have 2 wonderful kids 3 and 9 months old.


Most women hit SEX DRIVE MAX right about now. Women get the itch at 4-7 years of marriage.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> We have been happy in our relationship up until 2 years ago... I found that my wife was trying to contact an old friend on FB. she made contact I asked about the relationship she said it was nothing, not until i dug deeper did I find out more and she told me THIS MAN HAS A PIECE OF MY HEART.


So, she got the itch 2 years ago and you have a 9 month old. DNA kit. Do them both. I don't care if they look just like you. Your wife was losing attraction (a very common, even normal development) so why would she want to procreate with you? Don't give a cheater the benefit of the doubt.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> We moved back home now and normal life has been restored. She was engulfed by the 50 Shades of Gray trilogy and things were exciting once again. She has been reading all books alike now.


So she's aroused by the idea of being forcefully dominated by an Alpha. And reading B&D/D&S porn for masturbation fuel.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Recently she has become very secret about her FB account again and changed passwords on email and other accounts as well also deletes browser history now.RED FLAG!


How long ago? If she's doing this on a kindle, you're SOL. No spyware, other than the stuff that reports back to Amazon.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> excitement is gone, new lingerie not used as much, but does wear to work sometimes RED FLAG!


She's wearing it for someone else. Safe to say that you were not dominant enough. Fitness Test FAIL.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> New FB account in maiden name. RED FLAG! was explained to me that she did not know how to add her maiden name to her other account.


Do you have access? What's the excuse for needing the maiden name?



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> I have become more in tune once again now and dig deeper. No signs of the old friend but a new one on her FB account. A friend of mine that was a coworker in a facility that she now works at. YELLOW FLAG! HE LOOKS A LOT LIKE ME so i know the initial attraction is there. They work the night shift together once and awhile together.


Not a yellow flag, RED FLAG. Who needs to wear sexy lingerie to the night shift? Strippers and wives who are getting fvcked in the store room.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> When i asked about him became defensive and asked why am I so worried about her FB account. She said he is nice to me and I accepted his friend request.
> 
> She closed the account or so she wanted me to think but my digging deeper just showed that she would just activate and deactivate the account whenever she logged on so i never noticed she was online. Well account is back open now and she is back at it.


So she's no longer making any effort at all to be covert? You really have lost any dominant Alpha traits you may have previously possessed.




OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> We had a fallout recently about her not noticing me anymore and long story short.


7 year itch. Female sex drive set to Max. No attraction to you cause your personality is too Delta and moving fast into the Gamma zone when what she wants is to be sexually dominated. You've been cuckolded (maybe for real with somebody else's kid under your roof) and haven't noticed up to now, so that's just more confirmation in her mind that you are most definitely not the one. Add in the brain sex chemistry that comes from fvcking a new guy and you are yesterday's news.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> *She said she has moved on from the old us "pre kids" to us now.* We both work and only have two nights off together and those are controlled by the kids. There is no us time. Only late at night when we are both tired.


This means your role is now the provider drone. You are kept around strictly to shut up and meet the material needs of her and her kids.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> She says we will be us again one day and leads me to believe that she has accepted this life with kids and I have not.


See above for what she expects you to accept. So far, you've been accepting it by your actions, if not by your words.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> She gets angry that I am so nosy and ask her questions all the time. I am treading on thin ice and have lost all confidence as a man in this relationship I fear she is done and is moving on with reality and is only here because of the kids. she tells me she loves me with all her heart and that will never change.


She DOES love you, she's not IN LOVE with you. KWIM? She loves your slaving for her and her kids, but you're really not man enough for her. You've proved that to her.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Am I stuck in our old reality when it was just us?


You're only stuck in the past if you were a wittol in the past, because right now, you are a wittol. You're just in denial. 



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Am I losing it or is something going on?


Yes, lot's of sex is going on. Just not with you.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Ps I cant stop digging and I am bothered by the person she is. or has become.


It's about time, but it's probably too late.



OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Pss she wants to go out of town with a friend for her 30th birthday.


What do you want? You ready to move on or do you want to try to have her chasing after you and trying to fix things?


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I am a man of hard evidence! I know sounds like I am an idiot for sticking around after all of this but I dont want to make the wrong decision without the hard evidence in front of me. (positve semen test, seeing it with my own eyes) I think that this is a time in her life where she is confused. I dont want to take my own issues and overthink them. She Knows She Has A LOT To Lose. I know this for a fact. I can walk away from this I just want to be sure with my decision before I do so. I would be a liar if I said that I didnt want her chasing after me and trying to fix things.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> When you find evidence that she is cheating don't react but ACT . Before you confront her ,come here and ask again for advice ( not only will you get some god advice but it will give you some time to process the situation and formulate a better plan). When you confront here you must be ready for everything and the best way to shock her is to have with you divorce papers.
> 
> And it would be god if you became familliar with the 180



What is the 180?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> I can walk away from this I just want to be sure with my decision before I do so. I would be a liar if I said that I didnt want her chasing after me and trying to fix things.


Fair enough. I think you've already been apprised of how to run your investigation: GPS her car; VAR velcroed to the bottom of her driver's seat; cell phone spy; keylogger; tail when she goes out.

While you're running the above, start throwing her curve balls. Start implementing the "16 Commandments" in your interaction with her. That link is to a great site, where almost anything you read will be helpful to you. Download the book: "Married Man Sex Life Primer" from Amazon and read it tonight. It explains how you got in the sitch you're in and has some good ideas, along with Roissy at the link, on how to get in the driver's seat of this relationship.

While your getting up to speed, you need start to dressing better, drop the fat, take up weight training. Change your haircut or facial hair drastically. If your wife says she's going out, beat her to the punch and leave her with the kids. Go out dressed well, brand new threads, like you're on the hunt. Don't hunt though, go listen to music or go to a movie. Under no circumstances tell her where you're going. If she asks to come, take her with you and go someplace together. Otherwise, it's just "I'm going out. See you later. Don't wait up."

Do you get the idea? Your wife has no attraction to you, so she thinks no woman will have you. She thinks you're stuck with her until SHE decides to pull the plug, so she's planning on cake eating for a while (cake? close but that's not quite what she's eating) and keep you on as provider drone/baby sitter. Mess with that. Any questions?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to be strong enough to move on and end your marriage in order to save it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You're in big trouble my friend, the ship has sprung a leak and you're taking on water. Gather evidence using methods some of the people on here discuss and prepare to go to war.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I am in the throws of the 180. Doesn't seem to make a difference to her that I can tell, maybe it has show her I will
Be ok without her. Bigger benefit is that I actually have been better about the distinct possibility of the relationship behind over.

Now I need a good key logger ( not $100 if possible). Any suggestions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yep 180 is for you first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Fair enough. I think you've already been apprised of how to run your investigation: GPS her car; VAR velcroed to the bottom of her driver's seat; cell phone spy; keylogger; tail when she goes out.
> 
> While you're running the above, start throwing her curve balls. Start implementing the "16 Commandments" in your interaction with her. That link is to a great site, where almost anything you read will be helpful to you. Download the book: "Married Man Sex Life Primer" from Amazon and read it tonight. It explains how you got in the sitch you're in and has some good ideas, along with Roissy at the link, on how to get in the driver's seat of this relationship.
> 
> ...


Very useful info. I have already started the self makeover and have already seen a difference in her. I think she has been sitting on the fence so I hope my investigation does not prove otherwise.
Thank you


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180 is the plan you use when you have given up on the marriage and you are ready to divorce. It may awaken your wife but that is unlikely and NOT what the 180 is for.

If you want to reconcile follow the MAP in Married Man Sex Life and try the Divorce Busters website. Also Marriage Builders.

The 180 is for getting over your marriage not winning your wife back.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW the 180 is copyrighted and cannot be posted.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Very useful info. I have already started the self makeover and have already seen a difference in her. I think she has been sitting on the fence so I hope my investigation does not prove otherwise.
> Thank you


Us guys get in ruts and we don't even know it. The slightest changes are noticed by them, big changes set off their alarm bells. Just the fact of a change can increase attraction, because it's different. That's why she wants different guys in the first place, unless she has some kind of specific fetish. She doesn't even know why she's attracted to the change, she may not even know she is (too much introspection required); but this gets her thinking if she's getting interested again, maybe someone else is interested too. Combine that with mysterious comings and goings, and even cheating wives can put 1+3 together. Move away, let her chase.

And here's the thing, the new improved you is going to be more attractive to the other sweet young things out there. Take a couple of minutes to watch this:Secrets of the Sexes Male Status Attraction - YouTube


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

BAND NEWS! I heard his voice today. The VAC in her car picked up the two of them but it is unclear what was said. It was very short but another piece of evidence. How do I keep from confronting her on this? I want more evidence because I know this is not enough to be a deal breaker for me. But I am PISSED RIGHT NOW!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

if you want more help gathering evidence feel free to go to the thread in my signature. Ask questions and see what's already there. I would suspect that you need to check phone records. Identify any suspicious number. If you want to PM me feel free. You are her husband and if you think something is up. Well it probably is you just have to look for it.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> BAND NEWS! I heard his voice today. The VAC in her car picked up the two of them but it is unclear what was said. It was very short but another piece of evidence. How do I keep from confronting her on this? I want more evidence because I know this is not enough to be a deal breaker for me. But I am PISSED RIGHT NOW!


UMMMMM well tell me one good reason why a married woman is alone in a car with another man? Does it really matter what was said. The fact that he is in the car shows you that she is willing to put herself in a compromising situation where "anything" could happen.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

badbane said:


> UMMMMM well tell me one good reason why a married woman is alone in a car with another man? Does it really matter what was said. The fact that he is in the car shows you that she is willing to put herself in a compromising situation where "anything" could happen.


It sounds like they walked out to the car together and I can her her toss her lunch bag in the car. That was about it. But know what you mean by compromising situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not losing it, but she is.


> Long story short she told me she wanted to see him once again and kiss him goodbye


This looks to be inappropriate behaviour.

Remind her that she is kissing you and your children goodbye.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I had a plan before i heard the voice to take her flowers tonight. Im not sure if that is such a good Idea anymore. I dont want to alert her and make her think i could show up at her work at any time. I dont want to push her deeper into hiding and not get the info I need.
Any pros or cons to doing this or not would be great information right now. 

I was doing great with myself and now im feeling less motivated how do i keep up with the changes that I have made to myself and not alert her that somthing is wrong.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

BADNEWS, yes...and yet i spend most of my day trying to get my own data like that.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's sucks, but it's simple. If she's cheating, and it sounds like she is, she has already left your relationship. You need to focus on the kids and yourself. 

Continue the spying so you know how bad it is.

Get tested for STDs.

If she offers sex refuse.

Continue the 180. Remember to to give her any further support beyond any legal requirements.

Start getting over her. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. If she comes crawling back take your time in diciding if you still want her.

If she doesn't, nothing changed.

If she does come crawling back begging and pleading, make sure you continue the spying. Be sure you know everything. If you decide to take her back the spying will help you to know if she actually can be trusted again.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> I think you are being too absolutist in your remark.
> 
> I could not count the number of times I have been legitimately in a woman's car.
> 
> ...


Okay.....but it's not likely to be a coincidence that the first time he places a VAR in the car he hears a man's voice. And if she normally has men in her car, shouldn't she tell her husband about it? I know that if I've ever had a woman in my car I'm sure to let my wife know about that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> I had a plan before i heard the voice to take her flowers tonight. Im not sure if that is such a good Idea anymore. I dont want to alert her and make her think i could show up at her work at any time. I dont want to push her deeper into hiding and not get the info I need.
> Any pros or cons to doing this or not would be great information right now.
> 
> I was doing great with myself and now im feeling less motivated how do i keep up with the changes that I have made to myself and not alert her that somthing is wrong.


Flowers? Go back and read that stuff I linked about building attraction. Flowers and all that stuff will make you look like a needy supplicant. Not what you want to do right now.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I would want to HEAR what was said before i blow it up. Otherwise she was "giving directions" to someone, and now your VAR option is gone.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

So she cheats, and you reward her with flowers ?? OH Hell NO !!!

She is suppose to chase you. Wait a minute, are you afraid to find out ??
Mach gave you chapter and verse.No where in there was chasing her an option.
You make changes to you, so SHE notice you. If she gets smart about it, just say you getting ready to find you a woman without kids, so you can feel the prekids love she used to have.
You know she is not gping to like hearing that., so just give her a WHATEVER like the kids do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What ever you do, do not let her know or figure out how you get you iinfo on her. There may be legal questions later, and you do not want to lose any source you may need later.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Take off a few days from work and follow her around (secretly). If she's going to a motel or heading somewhere with another man you'll get your answer's quickly.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

After listening to the var over and over i have made out what was said. I here the doors unlock on the car and it opens. 
HER: "IM DONE."
OM: "WITH WHAT?"
HER: "THIS PLACE"
she then drives away and i here her say
"BAD NIGHT EVEN WITH *****.

she is mad at him now. I might be to late to get the confirmation I was looking for but right now I am so angry that this might have been enough for me. Semen test might not make a difference to me.

I need help with my next step. 

PS B*tch didnt get any flowers. That was going to be a reward for as much as she has been kissing my ass and chasing me the last three days.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I think is premature to comfront but Im loosing it I gonna blow! please is there any one out there that can help before i make a mistake.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

keko said:


> Take off a few days from work and follow her around (secretly). If she's going to a motel or heading somewhere with another man you'll get your answer's quickly.


not possible on her part we are all alone here. no one and I mean no one to watch the kids. It is strictly a work thing I can tell that much.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Im going to bed before I do something stupid. I will be back first thing in the morning to get any advise I can before I talk to her.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> After listening to the var over and over i have made out what was said. I here the doors unlock on the car and it opens.
> HER: "IM DONE."
> OM: "WITH WHAT?"
> HER: "THIS PLACE"
> ...


What is *****? Did you replace the VAR?


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> What is *****? Did you replace the VAR?


its his name. I put the var back in the car. but I know the nights he works so I dont imagine I will find any thing on it in the morning


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She can explain it away very very easily...You need more than that


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

I am sure you are furious and want to explode. I have been on both sides I this coin and it is not fun. You need to have your wits about you now. Firstly you need to decide what you want ie. Do you want it her or do you want a divorce. Second Do not let her go away unless you are prepared to follow her. Third Understand that when confronted she is going to absolutely rage against you and it's going to sting like hell but it means nothing because it's the crazy haze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

well i screwed up. she was calling and texting me last night from work and I stopped responding because I knew what was going to happen and then out of the blue she is home and asking me whats going on to my face. I only said what I could prove. 
So I asked her who walked her out to her car. and she lied and lied and lied. no one walked me out to my car. needless to say I led on that I know more about it but she would give nothing and now she is not talking to me.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Im gonna lose this battle. I may have lost my wife.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> well i screwed up. she was calling and texting me last night from work and I stopped responding because I knew what was going to happen and then out of the blue she is home and asking me whats going on to my face. I only said what I could prove.
> So I asked her who walked her out to her car. and she lied and lied and lied. no one walked me out to my car. needless to say I led on that I know more about it but she would give nothing and now she is not talking to me.


Well, now you know that you should listen to the folks here. Never reveal too early. You didn't have enough evidence. 

Okay, what's done is done. Starting right now, listen to the great advice you'll get here. You're a rookie....listen to the seasoned vets.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do you really want a wife who will lie to your face? Do you really want a wife who intends to "celebrate" her birthday out of town without you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya it sucks when you start to make the affair inconvienent and un comfortable. The cheater gets so pissed off they can't see straight.

My point, you are doing a great job in making her affair uncomfortable...why else is she so pissed? Something is going on ,hence her anger!


Stop being so negitive. Dude your wife is up to something and your worried about loosing your wife. Start showing some confidence and smile....let her go, and shift the power to were she is more worried about " losing her husband rather then you losing your wife.

This perception that you need to show her will get her to think twice about her anger and what she is about to lose as you pretent to go about your day believing you can let her go, you diserve better, and will be happy no matter what.

Once your wife see that her anger towards you means nothing to you and are happy in letting her go ...she might start to second cause her disicions.

Chicks dig confident guys....not scared guys that beg for sh1t and cry. Work on your self and raise that attraction level. The only battle here is with your self and being a confident man that won't take sh!t. 

You have to stop worring about her, you can't control her, but you can control how you handle your self and what you will tolorate. If she wants to act like a b1tch then ask her to leave. This makes a strong statement that you are confident in letting her go. Stop getting blackmailed by her and using the kids to control you.

You can be calm but firm, and you will not tolorate sharing your wife, emotionally or physically.

In short ;

Her anger is good = you are making the affair inconvienent

Start acting with confidence and indifference to her anger = you can and will let her go if she continues.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW I have to give her credit. this anger tactic of hers, is a good move in lessoning her guilt when she goes out of town. 

She tried the butt kissing route and it didn't pan out so now she will go the angry route.....but one way or another she is going out of town. 

If it was me I would help her back for the trip and smile, wish her the best and when she is gone back her crap and but it in storage.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> well i screwed up. she was calling and texting me last night from work and I stopped responding because I knew what was going to happen and then out of the blue she is home and asking me whats going on to my face. I only said what I could prove.
> So I asked her who walked her out to her car. and she lied and lied and lied. no one walked me out to my car. needless to say I led on that I know more about it but she would give nothing and now she is not talking to me.





OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Im gonna lose this battle. I may have lost my wife.


Ok. Now get ahold of yourself. Think clearly. If your confrontation with the truth leads to you losing her. SHE WAS ALREADY LOST! If you want to save this, you need to detach. Be happy. Continue to work on yourself. Continue to collect evidence. I bet today you may hear more on the VAR. 

Your first mission is to control yourself. Believe me, I know how hard this can be. You want to feel better, read my thread linked in my signature.

BE STRONG!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Your power to control this outcome is through calm, casual indifference. You're playing poker with your wife right now and if you aren't careful, she'll call your bluff. Whoever holds the power holds the winning hand. The power is confidence. Are you ready to play your hand and stick by it? Do you feel good about your hand? Do you want her to fold? Then you better be ready to go all in.

'Ohboy', you will not win this through weakness. The only thing that LOOKS like a win in this is her complete cooperation and attrition or you walk away with your dignity. There's no other compromise. Since you walking away from the marriage is a very real possibility, then it is on you to preserve your own self-respect at every juncture, from now until the day you're gone. Remember that.

Right now, turn your back to her, be done with her, no emotion, no sympathy. Create a cool, calm shell; make it an impenetrable shell. If, through some magic of absolute surrender and love, she pokes a tiny hole in that shell, then there might be hope for the marriage. Anything short of that; prepare to be a bachelor. 

That's your only power. Think long and hard about what I'm saying. Doing anything less will be more painful and more likely to fail.

T


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> well i screwed up. she was calling and texting me last night from work and I stopped responding because I knew what was going to happen and then out of the blue she is home and asking me whats going on to my face. I only said what I could prove.
> So I asked her who walked her out to her car. and she lied and lied and lied. no one walked me out to my car. needless to say I led on that I know more about it but she would give nothing and now she is not talking to me.


You need to think about your next move and what you want to do. She's a serial-adulteress. You know what she's doing and she knows you know. You've already tipped your hand, so go for the finish.

#1 Just tell her, "I know you're having at least one affair, and I have reason to believe you've got more men on the line. The evidence doesn't matter, I know what I know and I'm not listening to your sh!t. You're quitting your job with OM#1, today; no ifs, ands or buts. I'm doing a DNA test on the kids, because this crap has been going on for a while. It's a new day and this will not be tolerated..."

#2 Take control right away. Tell her how it's going to be from now on; she quits the job immediately, no private commo devices, total transparency, no panties to bed, no trips or GNOs, nowhere without you. She hands over the kindle and gets a laptop with monitoring software. 

a) Failure to comply with the above results in immediate divorce filing. If she balks at this, she almost assuredly will balk, out her to everybody tonight, but don't give your evidence. Just say you've put surveillance on her and found an adulterous relationship with another man and you're ending the marriage. Start the wheels for filing for divorce. You don't go anywhere, but you can't stop her from leaving. You start the self-improvement project: quit talking to her, other than non-relationship stuff, keepcool, get some new sharp looking threads and when she's home in the evening, you go out. Think I already advised that, earlier. Do it. Like I said, change your whole look. Dressing good, working out, getting a cut physique, flat stomach, new haircut will tell her you're moving on. Leave her with the kids as much as possible, so she can get acquainted with single motherhood.

b) If she immediately folds (highly unlikely), then you still have to go to building attraction and putting her into her place. Etc. Make the same changes as above. 

#3. Keep Monitoring. Don't reveal your sources and don't confront her anymore. Keep using the VAR and keep gathering evidence. Put a GPS on her car. The GPS should tell the tale. You've got to get serious about getting undeniable evidence, because she's not going to be able to go cold turkey, even if she wants to. If she says she wants divorce, you continue to investigate and monitor until you get hard proof for family to control the narrative with friends and family. You already have all the proof you need for your own purposes.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Well before i was able to get on here I got a hold of the var from last night while she was at work and she has a conversation with this girl that she was supposed to go out of town to a b-ball game with. (this was going to be a pre b day party for her) Just her and her friend. 

I this conversation she talk bad about me and talks about going to the game and how when they get the tickets she is going to tell him right where they are at and the whole 9. she also goes on to say how she doesnt know how she is going to tell him but she hopes that he feels the same way about her, she also says that "oh it would be just my luck that he brings a date or his girlfriend." then goes in to how one of her other friends tells her "you better call me right after you lay that" then the sh*t dogging of me continues and they laugh.

So we finally talk and she will not give anything. she stills says there was no one that walked her out to her car that morning. so I see this is getting us know where so I ask her about her intentions in out of town the night of the ball game and she freezes... she tries to talk it down about how they were going to the game and he had talked about going out down town after and so on and how he was taking his girlfriend and he has no interest in her at all he was just helping her get the tickets for a game she was going to take me too in a week. 

she is a little more open and crying but not totally. she tells me whe want to work on us more.

She has now open up her facebook account and contacted him before I had a chance to tell her not to. I can see the messages as they type as I am writing this. (keylogger did its job) 

CHAT
HER: ACCORDING TO HIM SOMEONE HEARD US TALKING ABOUT THE GAME AND GOING OUT PLACES AFTER AND MADE IS SOUND LIKE i WAS SETTING UP A "DATE" OR SOMETHING AND NOW HES CONVINCED THAT WAS MY INTENTION. i TOLD HIM i WAS PRETTY SURE YOU WERE TAKING YOUR GIRL FRIEND AND YOU WERE NOT INTERESTED IN ME.

HIM : wow im really sorry i actually thought he was going with you? Im sorry if I got that misunderstood.. yeah im hoping everything works out with this girl im trying to see right now.. I wnt to high school with her and she has kids too... I have always liked her!!! Im hoping things go well by then cause I am buying tickets with the intentions of her going.

But that still means somebody had to of told him??? That's really messed up that somebody would do that without at least saying something or asking u...I never ever ever would do anything like that...to you or especially to him...is he still really upset? I wish u would let me talk to him...god I would take u guys to dinner and talk everything out if it would make everything better on your home front...


Oh and please don't mention about my "relationship" to people...I like to keep that stuff to myself cause for some reason people always wanna get into people's business...I would appreciate that...she is special to me and I wouldn't want to ruin it with the bull**** that comes from working at our place!!!!

And again I'm sorry so silly escalated to this level...I feel bad you are having problems with it...
END

btw she sent the first message and deleted it but since I was on live I saw it.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

do i still make her quit her job. that is easier said than done. we cannot afford it. do I still keep my distance and make her wait. 
It sounds to me like she had a crush and hoped he felt the same way but he doesnt.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ok, ok, slow down, you have some breathing room here. He's not into your wife, good. Your wife is wanting to stray, bad. But you have some breathing room, you don't have to do anything drastic right now.

I can't type too much at the moment. Keep collecting data, stay cool, don't blow this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The fact that your wife was talking smack about you to her girlfriend is as troubling to me as her fishing for an affair. 

You've got some serious relationship issues brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats scary is the fact that she has this capacity and the no respect for you. Even if the OM doesn't pan out what will stop her from finding some strange and having a one night stand?

Don't reveal any thing but start doing the 180.


I think the confrontaions are over its time to give her a taste of reality by contacting a lawyer and understanding your options. Its time to cut her off and distance your self.

You have been keep in the dark and have been several steps behind ....it is now time to get a few steps ahead and make a plan and work the plan. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I mean she may not be sleeping around right now but what you heard with regards to the respect she has for you should give you the validation in what you need to do next. And what you need to do next is give her a taste of things to come by cutting her off and showing her the oppisite of love and that is indifference.

So no more " I love you's" and go dark, make a plan and work the plan.

Who knows...when she sees you being distant and you start showing some confidence by letting her go she might think twice in what she is about to loose. 

I have a feeling she thinks you aren't going anywere hence the reason she contiues to behave this way.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea keep some dignity and file have her served at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> The fact that your wife was talking smack about you to her girlfriend is as troubling to me as her fishing for an affair.
> 
> You've got some serious relationship issues brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This no longer about her cheating this is about a huge degree of disrspect. With this huge dgree of direspect she will not have a problem in finding a replace ment for OM.

Quiting her job won't solve this, it will only cost you more in a divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Start working on your attraction level, work out get a hair cut and buy some new clothes, get out as much as you can with out her....again give her a taste of what she is about to losse.

Im all for marriage but when there is this fake R it pisses me off. I mean you confront her 6 pages ago and now today you hear her planning for more deciet

Sorry brother you can't fix stupid. You chick isn't worth it.

I mean her marriage is so fragile right now and she still doesn't get it. Sorry to say she might not even get it when you serve her divorce papers. But who knows maybe just maybe she turns a corner when she gets served divorce papers and then you can withdraw them .....but I wouldn't hold my breath!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, this is no crush. She has the hots for him and her friends know it. Hell, they want all the dirty details.
And she went so far as to plan ahead. Yeah, he may not know, BUT I think they set up the chat, since she don't know exactly how you are finding out.

DON'T mention the chat !!! That will give you away.

Why does he walk her to her car ??? Is he the security guard ??

I can say this, she have to give up all the friends dude. They are NOT a friend of your marriage.
These are the kind of friends that will lie and cover for her.

To be truthful, you have a BIG problem.
Your wife has lost interest in you as a sexual partner, and is letting her friends know she want some strange.
Your friend, not buying. He txt chat, and email too much with your wife to be innocent.
I think she contacted him and set up the chat to expose you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

This is your first post and says it all:



> *Ps I cant stop digging and I am bothered by the person she is. or has become.
> Pss she wants to go out of town with a friend for her 30th birthday.*


She is no longer the person you married and continues to lie to you. Worse than that, she does not respect and continues to lie to you thinking you are too stupid to catch her.

That is no marriage.

Stop being nice and bring down the hammer.

HM64


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I think OldWolf has it nailed. Fake chat, all staged for your benefit. Never respond to anybody about what you're reading in that. That's where they think they are compromised and they're using that channel to feed you disinformazia.

Read what TheGuy wrote about upping your attraction level. Read what i wrote, follow the links. Quit talking relationship and start looking like you're ready to date. Look good, get ripped, go out without her dressed to the nines. It probably won't reel her back in, but it's about all you got. Keep monitoring.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What's going on sexually, right now? Have you tried to get anything going?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

looks like she is interested in him, not the other way around. Or the chat was an intentional setup, knowing you would look at it(she even left it open)


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm not so sure the other guy is involved with her, I reread everything and it just isn't adding up. He seems to be a guy who is really into this other girl and for some reason talks to OP wife about that girl to her at work. I think the wife obviously is into the guy so she probably encourages him to talk to her, but the guy might just be using her as an ear to talk about this other girl. That would explain him walking to her car with her. She probably wanted to interact with him and he blabbed about this other girl the whole time walking to her car (I'm assuming they were leaving work together because she said something about being done with this place). This would also explain her saying to herself, in the car, "BAD NIGHT EVEN WITH ******.". Was it because, in addition to whatever sucked in her life that day, that even her interaction with him was bad because he wouldn't stop talking about this other girl? This is backed up by this statement, _*"In this conversation she talked bad about me and talks about going to the game and how when they get the tickets she is going to tell him right where they are at and the whole 9. she also goes on to say how she doesn't know how she is going to tell him but she hopes that he feels the same way about her, she also says that "oh it would be just my luck that he brings a date or his girlfriend."*_, this doesn't sound like a girl being chased by a guy, it sounds like a girl frustrated that the guy doesn't know where she's coming from.

This all seems to get verified by the Facebook messaging that took place right after the OP 'busted' her out. It doesn't seem like she would have enough time to coordinate the interaction in that dialog...

CHAT
HER: ACCORDING TO HIM SOMEONE HEARD US TALKING ABOUT THE GAME AND GOING OUT PLACES AFTER AND MADE IS SOUND LIKE i WAS SETTING UP A "DATE" OR SOMETHING AND NOW HES CONVINCED THAT WAS MY INTENTION. i TOLD HIM i WAS PRETTY SURE YOU WERE TAKING YOUR GIRL FRIEND AND YOU WERE NOT INTERESTED IN ME.

HIM : wow im really sorry i actually thought he was going with you? Im sorry if I got that misunderstood.. yeah im hoping everything works out with this girl im trying to see right now.. I wnt to high school with her and she has kids too... I have always liked her!!! Im hoping things go well by then cause I am buying tickets with the intentions of her going.

But that still means somebody had to of told him??? That's really messed up that somebody would do that without at least saying something or asking u...I never ever ever would do anything like that...to you or especially to him...is he still really upset? I wish u would let me talk to him...god I would take u guys to dinner and talk everything out if it would make everything better on your home front...

Oh and please don't mention about my "relationship" to people...I like to keep that stuff to myself cause for some reason people always wanna get into people's business...I would appreciate that...she is special to me and I wouldn't want to ruin it with the bull**** that comes from working at our place!!!!

And again I'm sorry so silly escalated to this level...I feel bad you are having problems with it...​
*To me, I'm not convinced the "OM" is an active participant in this. And remember, the OP said, "I am a man of hard evidence!" You don't have enough here to make a case against the OM, unless there's something I'm missing. Am I?*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I thought even during a VAR session she mentioned to her friend that "I hope he doesn't bring his GF".

Oldwolf senerio is possible but still..........


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> It sounds to me like she had a crush and hoped he felt the same way but he doesnt.


 It sounds to me like she does not respect you or your marraige and because of her bad mouthing of you to her friends, neither do they. It also sounds to me like she was and is open to an affair. If the other man (OM) wanted to sleep with your wife he could without even making an effort. Is this OK with you?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> one of her other friends tells her "you better call me right after you lay that"


Classy. 

You don't need any more evidence, just confront your wife now with what you've got. Give her all your demands - quit job, no contact with toxic friends, no contact with fantasy other man, give you access to all devices and all passwords - and if she doesn't accept it, just divorce her.

Confront all of her friends, too. Let them know what YOU think of THEM.

Your wife's friends sound like a bunch of lying cheaters - or cheating liars. Either way, there is an old saying, I don't know if it's true, but it goes something like "birds of a feather flock together."

I can't see why you still want her.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Classy.
> 
> You don't need any more evidence, just confront your wife now with what you've got. Give her all your demands - quit job, no contact with toxic friends, no contact with fantasy other man, give you access to all devices and all passwords - and if she doesn't accept it, just divorce her.
> 
> ...


This doesn't matter in the long run vis a vis divorce but it would give me a crapload of satisfaction to tell those a-holes exactly what I thought about them and how they helped ruin a marriage. 

Not that they would care, them being scum and all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if the OM isn't into your wife now, that doesn't mean he won't go for it if she really throws herself at him... And it sounds like given the opportunity she will.

Think about this too: she's openly discussing and planning out her affair with a number of friends. She's not even trying to hide it, she is enlisting them to help her and they are eagerly helping.

This is more than her quitting her job, it's dumping these friends who are so comfortable with cheating that they don't even blink at her plans or asking for help. Heck they are excited for her.

Gotta wonder if this is her first affair , or how many of these friends are cheaters too.

I would not let her out alone with any of these enablers ever again. I bet they have a history of covering for each other and picking up guys to make out with on girls nights out.

Sorry dude, but your wife is a remorseless cheater, and so are her friends.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Looks like we have a runner Peeps.

Many come, but only a few can face the reality.

That post above by Shaggy, says it all.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

UPDATE. There has been a total turn of events. I confronted her and it turned it to a big fight. she was pissed that I was spying on her as I was pissed she was trying to sleep around. I myself thought that the chat was faked for me but she confirms that he doesnt even know how she feels on the var. I dodged the bullet there. Anyway we talked about working on things cause I am not so sure she is a cheater. She doesnt go out with friends ever and she just met these two hookers at work so I think there **** has just been wearing off on her. So after talking things over and me getting myself looking good again. She noticed my changes but still had an attitude. One morning I could tell something was wrong so I asked what was going on and she just told me " nothing" That for some reason made me snap. After all this **** and talk of working things out she pulls this. She just wanted me to kiss her butt more and more. So I told her I was sick of it. I packed my suit case and left. Not even 5 min later she was calling over and over and texting but I would not respond. She sent me a text telling me that "I finally get it. I understand what I did wrong. I should have just talked to you. Please come home I need you. I need you near me now. " This went on for about 6hrs before I was tired of trying to find something to do other than burn up gas. I finally decided to go home and came home to a total different person. I really think it scared her that I was gone. Since then no fights. Her friend said she was sorry. and we have had the best sex we have ever had. It feels sincere to me because when I asked her what is she going to do to make this right her response was "stop acting like a teenage girl" I think she gets it. For her to respond in that way total explains how she was acting. 
So I am keeping myself fresh and clean and looking great. Back in the gym and feeling ready to better myself with or without her. I know if I do that I will never have any regrets if she strays away because I know my value. 

ps thanks for the advise everyone. I have actually gotten a lot more attention from women I would never even try to talk to. I know the wife hates that. lol


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

On a different note. I was reading on the semen test kits and I found out that male semen actually stays in the female for up to 5 days and can still come out on its own at any time. So kinda glad I did not use the test to find out that the semen I was finding was just mine. So fyi to anyone that is going to use a semen test kit. Dont test for at least 5 days after the last time you had sex, it might just be yours.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

That's great news. I want to give you a little backup homework assignment. Go over to doccool DOT com and read up on the ways cheating wives make nice with their husbands when caught.

She may be turning up the nice right now, but your in this for the long haul.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust but verify!

When is her IC appointment, she just can't say she will stop acting like a teenager, she has to go get help and find out why she was acting like a teenager. 

She need to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage, cuz its all about action from here on out.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> Trust but verify!
> 
> She need to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage, cuz its all about action from here on out.


Funny you say that. We are going to start reading a book called His Needs Her Needs 
How to affair proof your marriage. 

I really hope this is the end of it. this is to exhausting. I will keep my eyes open and continue to listen. If she decides to stray again the signs will reappear. 
Like you say its all about action from here on out.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> That's great news. I want to give you a little backup homework assignment. Go over to doccool DOT com and read up on the ways cheating wives make nice with their husbands when caught.
> 
> She may be turning up the nice right now, but your in this for the long haul.


Took a quick look at that site and it is sickening. but I guess there are two sides to every coin. I will do my homework. Thank you all again. 

Its got to get better sometime... Or maybe just end?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> That's great news. I want to give you a little backup homework assignment. Go over to doccool DOT com and read up on the ways cheating wives make nice with their husbands when caught.
> 
> She may be turning up the nice right now, but your in this for the long haul.


Quote from that utterly disgusting forum:



> It is not our amazing lying ability which saves us, it is the fact our partners want to believe us. I have had a few episodes of these omg does he know. Usually sex distracted H enough he would be happy.


Going off to drink some beers now. That site has made me feel sick, and somewhat violent.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

So now comes the hard part, living in an insecure marriage but appearing strong and confident. If you are overtly insecure, it'll kill your marriage, slowly but surely. If you don't monitor her activities, for at least the next year or so, you'll always wonder and feel insecure. If you're too obvious about your monitoring, it'll slowly make her despise you. If you constantly ask her insecure questions, you'll begin to appear pathetic to her (justified or not, she will begin to see you that way).

'Ohboy' if you want to continue to be married then you MUST proceed with cautious-confidence. To achieve both missions you need to go covert. It's tough to do, not everyone can sustain the charade, but I think anything less will lead to a mess. We already know she's susceptible to straying by default, add an insecure husband to the mix and you up her stray-ability factor. You'll be walking this tightrope for a while my friend.

T


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> So now comes the hard part, living in an insecure marriage but appearing strong and confident. If you are overtly insecure, it'll kill your marriage, slowly but surely. If you don't monitor her activities, for at least the next year or so, you'll always wonder and feel insecure. If you're too obvious about your monitoring, it'll slowly make her despise you. If you constantly ask her insecure questions, you'll begin to appear pathetic to her (justified or not, she will begin to see you that way).
> 
> 'Ohboy' if you want to continue to be married then you MUST proceed with cautious-confidence. To achieve both missions you need to go covert. It's tough to do, not everyone can sustain the charade, but I think anything less will lead to a mess. We already know she's susceptible to straying by default, add an insecure husband to the mix and you up her stray-ability factor. You'll be walking this tightrope for a while my friend.
> 
> T


I know just what you mean. I am in denial about something and it bothers me. I want to monitor more but it is so hard to because I know that if I misunderstand anything it is over. She will say that I never gave her a chance and I just kept spying on her. You are right this is the hard part. A false move on my part could end it all.

We had a talk about what we want out of our marriage and she told me one of the things was to trust that she will make the right decision. Yeah Right! I think that is the hard part for me. I know that if I turn the other way I could be made a fool of, but if I monitor I dont know that I can fake it as if I know nothing. Ultimately I want to be able to monitor but not react and let her take it to the edge that way I know her true character. Will she do it? or will she walk away? I do know that if I find the strength to fake it I will watch the grand finale with my own eyes and see just how full of **** she is. But I fear I wont be able to watch without action. Just the sound of another mans voice and I was  to say the least.

Any advice on how to stay calm and collected would be great! I fear the only way I could do that is if another lady had my attention. 
I know I cant walk away without proof of an actual affair so I guess my only option is to let her do what she is going to do and try to be strong after the fact


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Trust, but verify.

Trust your gut.

Think before you confront.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> I know just what you mean. I am in denial about something and it bothers me. I want to monitor more but it is so hard to because I know that if I misunderstand anything it is over. She will say that I never gave her a chance and I just kept spying on her. You are right this is the hard part. A false move on my part could end it all.
> 
> We had a talk about what we want out of our marriage and she told me one of the things was to trust that she will make the right decision. Yeah Right! I think that is the hard part for me. I know that if I turn the other way I could be made a fool of, but if I monitor I dont know that I can fake it as if I know nothing. Ultimately I want to be able to monitor but not react and let her take it to the edge that way I know her true character. Will she do it? or will she walk away? I do know that if I find the strength to fake it I will watch the grand finale with my own eyes and see just how full of **** she is. But I fear I wont be able to watch without action. Just the sound of another mans voice and I was  to say the least.
> 
> ...


OhBoy

You cannot control her. That is not a relationship.

But you can tell her that if sh makes the wrong decision there will be no 2nd chances.

Keep it simple.

And mean it when you say it. And if she fails then you know where you stand with her.

HM64


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> I do know that if I find the strength to fake it I will watch the grand finale with my own eyes and see just how full of **** she is. But I fear I wont be able to watch without action. Just the sound of another mans voice and I was  to say the least...
> 
> ...I know I cant walk away without proof of an actual affair so I guess my only option is to let her do what she is going to do and try to be strong after the fact


No, incorrect, you don't need definitive evidence that she is having an affair, you just need evidence of any contact with any man that was not revealed to you openly, before hand or immediately after the fact. Any contact, period. It's that simple. You don't have to sit on the information, you just need to present it in a calm, strong, manner. Example: she comes home, you have a suitcase in your hand, and you say, I'm leaving until you find the courage to tell me why you talked to so and so today. Then leave.

You don't have to reveal how you know, that is none of her business. What she needs to concern herself with is not how you know, but why she does what she does.

*The key here is to be calm, strong, confident, and calculating, even if you don't feel it, that's the charade part, you need to present yourself in your best light. If you do these things you'll be surprised at how you begin to actually feel the confidence you're projecting.*

T


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

This is going nowhere. Big fight this morning because when she was showing me her Kindle she wanted to show me a picture of a tattoo she wanted and she pulled up her history but it was erased. I said "well thats why you cant find it you deleted your history. (pause) hiding something?" and I walked away. That was the end of the world. 
was I wrong for saying this?
she seams over sensitive about it.
I could tell she was angry when she got home but she had been telling me about her boss giving her crap. 
Im trying to move on.
I cant recover this way.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Of course she's hiding something. As for you being able to continue to monitor/investigate: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. There is no requirement to do more, depending on your religious beliefs, if any. So bail and kick her to the curb.

What was the tattoo she wanted? "Property of Hells Angels"?


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

damn alpha/beta ****. I was so alpha when we met and allowed myself to become beta. I would have told her to **** off! by now if I was my old self. I worry more about the kids and ultimately I am only trying this hard because of the kids. I know broken families are bad for everyone involved. (i came from one, fatherless most of my life) I could never do that to my kids. I often think about taking the kids and leaving but I know I would not be happy single with two kids and I dont want to give her that kind of freedom anyway, she doesnt get a second chance on life while I play mr mommy. Guess thats why I feel like I am in it for the long haul. I guess I was wrong when I said I can walk away from this at anytime. Its going to take a total non effort on her part to make me leave. I really want to tell her "if she cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen" but I fear it will only make it worse and all I did was ruin any chance of fixing this.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Are you saying you actually have the option of getting full custody of your kids? If so, I would leave in a heartbeat and be done with this.


You will never feel secure in this marriage unless she is contrite and transparent.
You will never feel secure in this marriage unless she is contrite and transparent.
You will never feel secure in this marriage unless she is contrite and transparent.

She does not respect you. Let that sink in. She does not respect you. You are a miserable, whining, insecure, intrusive, aggravation in her life. If you cannot become a wall of strength then you need to get yourself out of the situation.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Working on the wall. brick by brick. I think I am totally just going to stop trying to fix this and just fix myself. if she comes around she does. if not then so be it. 
Wish I could get total custody but no way that would ever happen. She is evil when it comes to things like that and would fight me tooth and nail. She would make it her life goal to make me miserable.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I think I had a moment of clarity today. I kept asking myself why is she with me if im so bad?Why wont she just tell me that she does not want me anymore? You all have said it to me already. I am a provider, reliable, GOOD FATHER. I am everything she "said" she wanted. Im not the alpha male that is going to bone her and not call her in the morning because thats what an alpha seeker wants. No connection just lust. 

But the clarity came when I asked myself why do I want her? What makes her special? What I came up with is.....nothing!


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh boy. I cant believe this just happen to me. I had my first ED problem with her. Totally went limp inside. a little worried but dont think its me. I think its her and the way I feel about her now.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Oh boy. I cant believe this just happen to me. I had my first ED problem with her. Totally went limp inside. a little worried but dont think its me. I think its her and the way I feel about her now.


Don't worry about it dude. It happens. All it means is that your a decent guy and you need a connection that's real and shared.

Try a little alcohol next time to forget the b!tch your with. Haha!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It happens, don't worry too much.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

dogman;
Try a little alcohol next time to forget the b!tch your with. Haha![/QUOTE said:


> lol


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You going limp is the same as a woman getting dry, it just means you aren't into it.

On a side note, imagine if all the feminine lubricant commercials started advertising their product for a condition called vaginal disfunction; "for when a woman can't perform".


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Oh boy. I cant believe this just happen to me. I had my first ED problem with her. Totally went limp inside. a little worried but dont think its me. I think its her and the way I feel about her now.


Same thing happened to me. The mind is a powerful thing and can affect physical performance.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

I getting really sick of her telling her friends about me spying on her. Making me sound like a psycho. But yet does she say what she did? Oh no she talks it way down. She doesn't want to work on this marriage. I need an exit strategy.


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## loveloss (Sep 27, 2012)

I agree with the first poster.... Privacy is a huge thing, but secrecy is a totally different ball game.... She is definitely not acting right. I would watch her.... but another thing, be careful what you dig for because you might get hurt with what you could find!!! trust me.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

loveloss said:


> I agree with the first poster.... Privacy is a huge thing, but secrecy is a totally different ball game.... She is definitely not acting right. I would watch her.... but another thing, *be careful what you dig for because you might get hurt with what you could find!!!* trust me.


Ohboyherewego needs to know the truth. Those who have kept their heads in the sand fearful of what they'll find out have ended up being hurt far more in the long run than those who've looked the truth square in the eyes and acted decisively.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

My thread is dying as is my caring about fixing this marriage.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

guilt is easy and so is remorse really, but your wife is too immature to sustain it. If shes not working on the marriage then its time for you to file papers. 

Don't be afraid too, the process can be stopped at anytime, hell even before the judge bangs down his gavel and ends proceedings the final time, but once you do it will send a clear message that you will NOT tolerate this. 

Also it can't hurt at all to get the ball rolling.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi, my name is David and I live in Europe, could you hire a pretty women to come and visit you and your wife to watch a movie together. You can find pretty women that are in need of quick money at alot of places in the States. Just thinking outside the box. Tell your wife, "If you can not fly stright, I will replace you."Life is too short to but with your stuipid shi#!If you need a list, I will send it to you on a private message.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok OhBoy. Let's change that to OhMan.

Your "wife" isn't really showing remorse. She should be entirely transparent and this busting you with her friends is just disrespectful. Stop using the kids as an excuse for not doing what you need to do. Your children will be better off in a functional single parent home then in the disaster of a relationship you have now.

I can't remember how far and wide you have exposed, but I would be telling these friends the truth. I would also just file for divorce and have her served. Your departure resulteded in some changes and it just may get her mind back on what she has to lose. If not, you at least know where you stand and can move on.

Please continue to man up. I think more of the 180 is in order (for you)

Good luck


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Ok OhBoy. Let's change that to OhMan.
> 
> Your "wife" isn't really showing remorse. She should be entirely transparent and this busting you with her friends is just disrespectful. Stop using the kids as an excuse for not doing what you need to do. Your children will be better off in a functional single parent home then in the disaster of a relationship you have now.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

ohboy,

I have had similiar relationship issues. My wife checked out on our marriage back in July. I just confronted her on Monday with the option of work on the marriage or work on the divorce. She is fine working on the divorce. I too have kids (three) and they will be devasted. I have been shocked at her lack of interest in the marriage. But at some point you have to say "i cant and dont deserve to live like this". 

I could hang around and see if she changes back to herself, but she will continue to explore her relationship with OM that whole time...i HAD to address it and move on. I am already sleeping better and somewhat less stressed...though we have alot to go through with the divorce.

I did the 180....she was ok with it. 

I think actually going through the divorce process has her thinking more, but no signs of stopping it. We will divorce.


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## OHBOYHEREWEGO (Oct 10, 2012)

Well she acts like she is working on it but the first time she sees the om after some time of no contact, she starts acting like a little girl with a crush again. I cant figure out how to let her go. I know that it is my only way to be able to man up and tell her to ****off. I just really dont want this to end in divorce. I dont want to live like this anymore.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Well she acts like she is working on it but the first time she sees the om after some time of no contact, she starts acting like a little girl with a crush again. I cant figure out how to let her go. *I know that it is my only way to be able to man up and tell her to ****off*. I just really dont want this to end in divorce. *I dont want to live like this anymore*.


This is what you have to focus on. Not on 'don't want to end in divorce'. That is what is holding you back. Until you can let her go you will live like this.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Don't live like this any more then. Change. You were alive before you met her, you will be alive after you leave her. Maybe more so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Well she acts like she is working on it but the first time she sees the om after some time of no contact, she starts acting like a little girl with a crush again. I cant figure out how to let her go. I know that it is my only way to be able to man up and tell her to ****off. I just really dont want this to end in divorce. I dont want to live like this anymore.


Sorry man, you can't have it both ways. So prepare for the worst and file. who knows she might turn a corner the day before court.

What is the waiting period in your state before the divorce is finalized?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

OHBOYHEREWEGO said:


> Well she acts like she is working on it but the first time she sees the om after some time of no contact, she starts acting like a little girl with a crush again. I cant figure out how to let her go. I know that it is my only way to be able to man up and tell her to ****off. I just really dont want this to end in divorce. I dont want to live like this anymore.


Nobody ever said it's easy. 

You know what needs to be done.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

OHboy, i dont think its uncommon for the MLC woman to give off mixed messages - mine did. They "reel" you back in when they do that when they think they are really starting to lose you. That buys them some time, and keeps you as their plan b.

I am in the SAME situation...right now.

I certainly dont want divorce....but i have to take control for my sake.


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