# I'm not sure where to begin..



## Lizzygurl90 (Oct 4, 2020)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We knew each other in high school, but we never started dating until my senior year of college and then got married shortly after I graduated. We started off a little rocky. I wanted to have sex all of the time, but he was rarely interested. Then, I discovered that he watched porn multiple times a day. (We worked opposite shifts through the week). He went to a couple of sessions of counseling, and then it became a taboo topic. I didn't mention it very much, if at all. But, I am a talker. It is am important aspect of intimacy for me, and I just wanted to know what "made him tick." It wasn't from a judgmental standpoint, but from a just wanting to be let in on his life. He is really private. We both grew up in a VERY strict school, and his family is very similar. His mom was a stay at home mother, along with his sister, and his husband's wife. I am career-oriented and very independent, so I have always felt a little out of place. 
Fast forward 8 years. We have 2 beautiful children that we both love dearly. We did attend counseling 2 years ago because we just basically stopped communicating, and my husband would get so reactively angry at weird things--like my son asking for a chicken nugget. He has never physically hit me, but I have been afraid on occasion. I was working full-time and taking care of all cooking, cleaning, bills, and other home needs. I was getting resentful, and he was just checking out--getting mad when I would ask him for help. He was diagnoses with anxiety, and it took those 2 years to finally get him to understand that his anxiety creates so many angry outbursts. He started to take medication, and that helped.
Over the past year though, even before medication, he has become so distant, and then since he has started taking medication, he has not been interested in sex at all. He apologizes, and I really just want to know what's going on. I have gained 20# since having 2 kids--it's not new, but I am fairly in shape, and I try to put a lot of effort into sex. But, that just doesn't seem to be cutting it. In therapy, he talked about how I should not always assume that it's something that I'm doing wrong. But, we usually had sex once a week, and over the past year, it's been once a month, or less. 

He told me on our anniversary that I'm a control freak. I struggle with this openly because I had to grow up "early" and did not have a lot of parental help as a kid and ended up experiencing some sexual abuse. I apologize whenever I think about situations, like when I left a list for house duties for a Saturday that I was working. (I make lists for myself daily) During counseling, the therapist talked with us about how home should be a partnership, since we are both working, and that I am allowed to ask for help. He just seems to get annoyed with me. But, it builds. Over the summer, he has been going fishing a lot. I'm glad that he is getting some time to relax away from the kids. He wanted to leave every weekend. He encourages me to take time "away" too, but then we are left with no time together, other than when we eat dinner as a family or attend a kids' soccer game. It doesn't bother him whatsoever though. I'm afraid that he really just is not interested anymore. I ask him if we can talk often, but he never wants to. He is not interested in counseling again. I feel trapped. I love him so much, but I also feel like I need to understand that maybe it is not mutual. 
I need some help from the outside looking in.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He's devested in the marriage and sounds like he's just floating along doing his own thing.

He needs to wake up big time and recommit to the marriage and fully re-invest again.

Marriage is a big deal and takes constant effort and ongoing awareness.

But you already know this.

Why do you think he's checked out? 

Maybe he needs his ass kicked (proverbaly) and realize what a blessing marriage can be.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I heard a story once about a wife whose husband went fishing a lot and one weekend he came back and complained that she had forgotten to pack his cologne. She said, "Yes, I did. I put it in your tackle box."


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

I agree that it sounds like he is just checked out. If any way possible a conversation needs to be had, as hard as it may be, to find out if he is interested in remaining married. You carry the full weight of the relationship is no relationship at all.


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