# Passive Aggressive Behavior



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Over the years, I've been accused of being at least mildly passive aggressive, even though the definition of it is not clear to me. For example, is the 180 passive aggressive? If being passive aggressive a character flaw? Is it part of being an ass? 

Those questions lead me to the next one. For men, if your wife is passive about sex, have you engaged in a passive aggressive response, either intentionally or by default? Has it helped? Has it hurt? 

If one spouse is passive about sex, should he or she just get a pass, or should the more motivated spouse put a limit on the acceptable level of passivity?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

What do you mean by passive aggressive about sex?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think we need to establish a definition of passive-aggressive first. Or at least yours?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I think we need to establish a definition of passive-aggressive first. Or at least yours?


That's part of the question. What does "passive aggressive" mean? I don't know for sure unless it means being a smart ass.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> That's part of the question. What does "passive aggressive" mean? I don't know for sure unless it means being a smart ass.


There are many "variants" and behaviours associated to passive-aggressive people... I struggle to relate to a passive-aggressive behaviour towards sex...

If you mean being angry about it, but disguising it, then I'm not passive-aggressive, since I've always manifested my discontent.

_In cases where the passive-aggressive person is angry, they might repeatedly claim that they are not mad or that they are fine – even when they are apparently furious and not okay. Denying what they are feeling and refusing to be emotionally open, they are shutting down further communication and refusing to discuss the issue. 









How to Understand and Identify Passive-Aggressive Behavior


Passive-aggressiveness is behavior that involves using indirect aggression towards others. Learn more about how it manifests and why it happens.




www.verywellmind.com




_


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

It's easy enough to google a definition?

The majority of the people in my family have differing levels of passive aggressive behavior, and I've been working really hard on myself to overcome these patterns and habits.

When dealing with others (who have a history of behaving this way), I either opt out of the interaction or I ask questions or both.



In Absentia said:


> I struggle to relate to a passive-aggressive behaviour towards sex...


A sexless marriage where the offender shuts down all attempts to make the situation better. That's passive aggressive behavior.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is the 180 passive aggressive behavior on the part of the offended?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

What do you mean in regards to a wife being passive about sex? Can you clarify?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Is the 180 passive aggressive behavior on the part of the offended?


Yes it is.

And lots of other advice offered here is also manipulative/deceptive/vengeful.

It doesn't necessarily bother me that certain ideas are suggested and discussed. It's more when these same people want to go on about how honest and transparent _they are_ by comparison that there’s a disconnect and an unwillingness to see the hypocrisy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I never understood the 180 in a sexless marriage... you want more sex? Great! Do the 180 and... your wife will be in heaven...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

IMO passive aggressive basically means you don't have the backbone to address what's bothering you so you look for less direct ways to show your displeasure.

My ex was extremely passive aggressive so I'll give you some examples of what I put up with.

He was absolutely terrified of conflict so he plastered a phony smile on his face and pretended to be fine. But he felt powerless and resented me for his inability to speak up.

He never talked to me about anything and thus I never knew what his grievances were, but he'd still be pissed off at me.

This led to a myriad of passive aggressive ******** in an attempt to take back some kind of control and power followed by gaslighting and playing dumb to avoid accountability.

He'd walk behind me and change the thermostat (after I'd set it) even though I paid the bill. No mention of his preferred setting....just undermining me.

Nasty comments under his breath followed by a phony smile.

A nasty, sarcastic laugh followed by the same phony smile.

When I attempted to talk to him about throwing me under the bus to placate his ex he literally got up and walked put if the room without a word, them plastered the classic phony smile on his face (when I came downstairs) and asked how I was doing. 

Note that it wasn't real concern....it was done in mocking tone. So it was meant to be nasty but if called on it he could play dumb and claim he had no idea what the problem was because he'd simply asked how I was doing. Why was I so angry and mean?

I could go on but I'll throw in this one. The night I wanted to tell him I wanted a divorce (which he didn't want), i drank a little too much vodka so I went upstairs and passed our. That scumbag waited until I was passed out to fling open the bedroom door and lpudly ask if I was in there. He knew very well I was, he was just such a coward that he waited until i was passed out to start something. I told him I was drunk and to get out. He mumbled an apology and left.

The next morning he played his usual phony smile game and sat down next to me, put his hand on my lap, showed his phony smile and asked how I was doing.

I just about threw up....I snapped. I told him that he was a phony and I didn't appreciate his little tantrum when I was too drunk to really defend myself. He stumbled a bit because he wasn't used to being called on his ******** and said he was upset that we weren't spending more time together.

Ha ha ha....so rather than speaking to me like a ****ing adult about spending more time together the above mentioned incident was his response.

I told him right then I wanted a divorce and of course he proceeded once again to play dumb and said he couldn't believe I was saying that. Basically just covered his ears.....

For the rest of the night he just pretended he hadn't heard it. Tried to kiss me, talked about weekend plans.

I'll stop there. I think we've all engaged in a certain amount of PA behavior when we don't want to face the issue. Granted my ex is probably an extreme case, but this kind of behavior is cowardly and destructive. If something bothers you speak up.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sfort said:


> Over the years, I've been accused of being at least mildly passive aggressive, even though the definition of it is not clear to me. For example, is the 180 passive aggressive? If being passive aggressive a character flaw? Is it part of being an ass?


I'll give you some examples of passive-aggressive behavior, but in a very general way, it's when you act passive on the surface but cover up an aggressive action, thoughts, or feelings. So one the outside (on the surface) you might say "Sure I'm fine not having sex," but your actual actions, thoughts, and feelings are mad as hell about it. 

So here are some examples:
Non-compliment: "I love the new ___ you bought...after all we only have 20 others."
Wistful comment: "I wish I could be happy, but I have to actually work for the family."
Play victim: "What do you mean no? You're the only one who can help me!"
Spiteful procrastination: "Yeah I know I said I'd fix ___...I'll get to it." (and then promptly not doing it)
Exclusion: Agreeing to go downtown with the guys at work and "forgeting" to tell your spouse.
Keep score: Pouting and moping, but if asked "what's wrong?" yelling "I told you I'm fine!"
Sabotage: Inviting friend who's trying to stay sober to meet at a bar.
Say yes/Mean no: Telling your spouse you don't want to go to the __ because they don't want to go...then being mad at them for making you miss it. 
Push buttons: After a fight, a thousand texts all night just to keep your spouse awake. 
Silent treatment: Either not returning calls or texts...or TAKING calls or texts as if you aren't even there.
Sarcastic: "Who cooked this? A first grader?"
Blameshift: "You should have known that would make me mad, so why'd you do that?"
Play dumb: "Well I didn't know you wanted that done TODAY! You never told me."

A passive/aggressive person often doesn't have the guts to actually state they are angry. They try to box in the person they are angry at, and put them into a position that will suck for them no matter which way they choose...they are mad at the person and they want to punish them without "being the bad guy." 



> Those questions lead me to the next one. For men, if your wife is passive about sex, have you engaged in a passive aggressive response, either intentionally or by default? Has it helped? Has it hurt?
> 
> If one spouse is passive about sex, should he or she just get a pass, or should the more motivated spouse put a limit on the acceptable level of passivity?


Well by "passive about sex" do you mean they don't initiate? Or they don't act in a loving, romantic way? Or they lay there like a starfish to get it over with? Each one of those might be described as "passive" and yet, each one wold have a different response and a different acceptable level. I mean..if she doesn't initiate it may be that she's got responsive desire and once it gets going she's INTO IT! So I would just accept that, if it were me. If she doesn't act in a loving way--for example, she treats you disrespectfully--I would have a clear conversation about that, and not be passive nor aggressive. I'd be assertive, which means "You need to know that this is not okay with me, and I am willing to work out something that's mutually agreeable, but right now, I am NOT there!" And if it's starfish...well that means they aren't into you any more. The situation there would probably be something more like rekindling the connection and closeness, rather than laying down an ultimatum. Now I would still have the frank talk, and I'd still state it's not okay with me, but I'd also take personal responsibility for my part in the disconnect and make some suggestions for what I'd be willing to do in order to reconnect.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A good example of passive aggressive behavior: A housewife thinks the husband does not appreciate her efforts feels taken for granted. Instead of discussing this and asking the husband to help more around or express more gratitude, she decides to be passive aggressive and stop washing his underwear while doing everything else as normal. As a result the husband runs out of clean underwear and goes to work commando and awkward. He begs her to help and begins to appreciate her more, or he gets upset to then argue and fight about it. Me, I retaliate passive aggressively and just order myself more underwear off Amazon for next day delivery when I get down to one or two pair which in turn allows the pile of dirty laundry to just keep piling up! 

However knowing my wife and her extreme expertise at being passive aggressive, she likely anticipate my move. She hates when I wear the same underwear for too long and it has holes in it. So now (at this very moment) I am coming to the realization that she does not wash my underwear as an effort to make me appreciate her, she likely wants me to shop for new underwear and throw the old ones away. This would explain why my underwear drawer never overflows with extra pairs when we have this passive aggressive fight. 

Who knows? But at the end of the day, regardless of how behave passive aggressively, my wife is one step ahead of me and I am likely the one being played or manipulated no matter how smart of a jerk I think I am being. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Is the 180 passive aggressive behavior on the part of the offended?


If you're doing it for your own mental health to limit contact and frustration for you, it's not passive aggressive.
If you're doing it and expect your spouse's behavior to change as a result of it, then yes, it's passive aggressive.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I never understood the 180 in a sexless marriage... you want more sex? Great! Do the 180 and... your wife will be in heaven...


The thinking here is you stop doing what isn’t working, because well... it isn’t working. 

So instead you do something else and while that is happening you become less dependent on that spouse, you hopefully work on self improvement, and if they do not come to meet you then it is easier for you to leave.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

The essence of p-a is deniability


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