# Looking for advice with my separation and attempt to reconcile...



## ohrunner77 (Jun 15, 2011)

So my wife of 4.5 years and I have been separated for almost 2 months now. She initiated the separation saying she needed the time and space to get clarity on what she wanted and what would make her happy. We attempted marriage counseling - but it didn't work, she kept flip flopping back and forth - b/t wanting to work on our marriage or leaving and getting away from me. Ultimately, it became too much to bear for me (I wasn't sleeping or eating) and she moved out. It has been over a month since she moved out and at first we hardly talked at all - only when it had to do with our daughter. We have a 1 yr old daughter, and in all of this mess we are putting her first. We agreed to a schedule and share our daughter and it has worked since all of the exchanges can take place thruogh daycare.

In the meantime, I've been seeing a counselor myself and getting treatment for anxiety and depression - things that I've suffered from for yrs but never dealt with (a contributing factor in the separation). I'm on medication and the counseling has helped me gain a lot of perspective. It's still early and I know I have a way to go, but I already feel better about myself and find myself enjoying things again and finding myself happy doing things that previously I might have seen more as necessary chores.

Anyway, where I need advice is this...About 2 weeks ago, my wife texted me that she wanted to know if I was available to talk on the phone, that she had some things to discuss about our daughter. So she called and we talked some about our daughter - but without any prompting my wife wanted to talk about us. Without getting into too much of the details, we ended up talking for almost 2 hrs. She asked how I was doing and how counseling was going. And I shared with her the progress I have been making. She asked about what I have doing. I told her about some of the fun things I've been doing with our daughter as well as just by myself or with my friends. She started to cry when I was telling her about the progress I have been making with my depression and self discovery I've had. We both said we loved each other, but we left it at that for now nothing was going to change. That it was best if we still kept cautious and didn't rush into anything. But she did ask for the name of my counselor b/c she thought she might look into going herself and wanted to know if I would recommend her and whether the counselor would be okay seeing us both independently or eventually as a couple.

I obviously felt better after we talked. And felt like there was still hope. See there had been a guy friend that she had befriended at work who was going through a divorce that she had been talking to alot leading up to and right after we separated. But she confessed to me that she stopped talking to him and realized that he was shady. Anyway after our talk I was in better spirits and felt like there was still hope for us to reconcile and work on our marriage which is what I want.

Then this past weekend, she wanted to talk again on the phone. She called and mostly we talked about our daughter, but we did also talk about our weekends and what we did. It was a nice conversation. And then the next day she even texted me to see if I was feeling any better (I had been sick over the weekend). I am taking all of this as good signs that she still has feelings. But I'm also very anxious to make more progress. My instinct is to call her and ask her out on a date - but I'm afraid it's too soon and she's not ready for that. But I'm having a hard time being patient.

She also emailed me last night with a link to something she thought I would find funny. But she said in the email "Sorry - I know I've probably been contacting you too much recently - but I thought you would find this funny."
Now I'm trying not to read anything into that - I know she doesn't want to lead me on. But it's nice to have her contact me and to know that she is thinking of me.

I'm looking for advice on what I should do next. I don't need any more time/space to know what I want. I'm ready to work on our marriage. I'm willing to take things slow and just start small - like a date here and there. But I also feel like she should be the one that reaches out not me. I have tickets to this concert in a few weeks that I know she wants to go to - and I want to ask her to go with me, but I'm afraid it's still to soon.

Any thoughts / advice in how I should proceed?


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

I'd say ask her! She obviously is thinking of you and if you don't show an interest, she may sever (well, not totally since you do have a child) contact.

The worst she could say is no-which would be heartbreaking-but at least then you'd know.

Keep us posted!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds like a lot of things are going well here - she's thinking of counseling again, she's contacting you, etc. I'd say you'd do well to keep mirroring back the contact at whatever temperature she's giving you so that she knows her interest is reciprocated.

I think I'd keep her in mind for the concert but if it is a few weeks away, I don't know that I'd ask her about that immediately... I think I'd let the conversation play out a little, but maybe that's just me.

The cynic in me is hopeful that she didn't leave to be with the other guy, and now that he's done with her, you are back in play.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want her in your life, invite her to do things with you.

Don't be needy and desperate. Invite her with confidence and show no emotional reaction to her if she rejects you. Act like it's her loss and not your loss if she doesnt want to go. Prepare yourself that she may say yes to one thing, and no to the next. Know that if she accepts an invitation, that is a good sign, but it will take a series of positive experiences for her to cross over into being back with you emotionally. Just keep living a good life of your own, where she would be excited to be a part of, and invite her to join you when it suits you.

If you want something in life, grab it.... If you want to work on the marriage, work on it without waiting for her to "decide" anything. Do it with the full faith and confidence that you want to do it, but your life does not depend on her actions, or her acceptance of your invitaitions. Hope this all makes sense to you.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is my read - she was having an emotional affair with the guy from work, which is why she left the marriage so quickly/readily. Maybe things have ended with this guy, maybe not. In any case, the rose colored glasses have some off as far as this guy is concerned and now your wife is seeing things more clearly.

She is starting to want you back because she sees you getting better and moving on. I would NOT ask her out, and I would not be the one to initiate with her. She left YOU. She needs to be the one to earn your love, trust and respect back. Don't try to do it for her because it could ruin things.

You look more desireable to her now because she's seeing that you are more of a catch and that she may lose you. She sees you "moving on" and this scares her.

You don't want to begin pursuing her now. Make her come to YOU. When you talk, focus on your daughter and on the good life you are building. Talk about the fun you are having with friends, at work, etc. Just like you are doing.

Don't be so eager to take her back. Make her work for it. My sense is she crossed the line with the guy from work but now she sees what she's missing. Take is SLOW. If she says she wants to come back, tell her you need time to think about it. Suggest that she get counseling for a while and then you will consider it. This is not game playing, this is allowing her to experience the loss of what she had with you, which will make her miss you and want you back. But don't be so easy. She walked out on you. Protect yourself until you are certain you are her number one and that she's able to commit to you seriously.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

I went through this about a month ago - he left me and after a lot of drama, fights, etc he came back after 3 weeks.

My advice, let her lead, mirror her feelings. She is reaching out, so reach back but in a casual manner. Take things painfully slow. You are essentially starting over, 'dating' again.

Before completely reconciling (sleeping together, moving back in, etc) get her to go to couples counseling with you for a few sessions. The reason I say that is about 1-2 weeks after my DF moved back in we had a 'relapse' in his opinion - a fight- and he almost left again. It's very easy to think that when/if a partner returns things are going better. The reality is, the hard work just begins when you reconcile. Its very much so an uphill battle and you could easily slide back down the hill.

I also have a 1.5 yro son too and I know hard hard all of this is with kids. Things sound promising for you and I hope you two can work things out together. Best wishes.


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## ohrunner77 (Jun 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice. For right now I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to continue to focus on myself and my daughter. I will follow my wife's lead as to where this goes and let her do the pursuing. She has done all the initiating of talking and I know I need to continue to let her set the pace. 

I still have a few weeks before this concert - so I'll just wait until that week before I decide what to do. 

This is obviously tough b/c my instinct is to want to make more progress - like starting to date again. But I know I need to be patient - that this will take time. It's just that patience isn't my best quality.

I also have this DVD slideshow of pics from our daughter's first yr that I made and set to music that I want to give to my wife. I had planned this out long before we separated - I just never got around to finishing it. I want to give it to her - but I also don't want to push her away and for her to think this is some hail mary attempt at getting her back. Honestly it's just a gift that I want her to have and that she deserves, but not sure if it's too soon for it.


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

Continue with your counseling, work on you first. Let the relationship with her happen naturally. Personally, I would not ask her to the event now..it's too soon and it sounds like she is going through some emotions of her own she needs to work through, on her own.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It sounds like she is trying to reconnect with you and the marriage. 

~sammy


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