# The Unknown is Stressing Me



## vtx1800steve (May 9, 2019)

I have been married for 35 years, I met my wife while stationed overseas and brought her to the U.S. to marry her. I was a tall skinny and could not communicate with women because of poor self-confidence. I know that my wife married me to come to the U.S., I only hoped that she would love me as got to know me. 

I have learned that she was unfaithful to me before she came over. We fought about this, and she threatens to kill herself if I bring that up. I asked her questions about after she arrived here, when did she start loving me? She got extremely upset and will not talk about what happened. I have told her that I forgive her for whatever happened. I am not allowed to mention our first years of marriage or she goes crazy. 

I told her that because I don’t know what happened, I am continually remembering situations that appear suspicious. I have started to write them down, so that I come to terms with and accept what might have happened.

I have more than 80 scenarios when things that did not seem right at the time, and now I suspect that she was having an affair. After about seven years of marriage I found a letter from an old boyfriend. At the time she swore that it got into her bag by accident. She has since admitted that she did talk to him on the phone a few times after she arrived. 

I have told her that it would be better to just tell me what happened because then I would be able to accept it and clear those other thoughts out of my head. I told her that it is stressing me out not knowing, my imagination goes wild. I need help to decide whether to continue to ask her to help me, or just keep it all inside, and it is just my problem to deal with. I had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago, I have not brought it up again, but I think about it all the time. I don’t know, but maybe she thinks that I am over it, but I am not. 

I want our marriage to continue, I cheated on her five years ago, she discovered it and I admitted that it happened. I asked her to please give me the same courtesy. I have nobody to discuss this with. Not knowing is crushing me. I am asking for an opinion of what I should do?

Thanks for listening


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not clear... did she cheat before you married her or after you married her? Did you find out about her cheating before you married her?

The answer to your question might be different based on your answer to these questions.


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## vtx1800steve (May 9, 2019)

She admitted to cheating before we were married. After discovering that, I have been questioning why she is adamant about not discussing the first few years of our marriage. There are a lot of red flags about her behavior during that time. I have been stressed out lately as incidents keep popping in my head and I see things that happened back then that are making me suspect she continued to do something. I was very naive during those years, she even told me that I am so naive. 

I want the marriage to work, it is just that all of these thoughts are in my head almost all the time and it is wearing me out. If she would admit what happened, I could come to terms with that and move on. Without knowing what happened, thoughts keep popping in my head about some things that happened back then. There must be a reason that she freaks out if I ask to clear some things up so that I can accept what happened and move on. I just can't understand why she will not discuss things, so I don't have to assume every situation that I am suspect of must be true. I spend 80% of my days having these thoughts, I have just told her that I want to see a hypnotist, or have my memory destroyed by electric shock therapy. I have told her that this situation is destroying me, my heart is being crushed. I want to just forget that early time of our marriage so that we can spend the remaining years of our life not continually having these destructive thoughts. 

If I even bring the subject up, she freaks out and says that she wants to die. I am suspect that she is doing that so that I will be deterred from asking any more questions. I have read that having all these suspicions will destroy me, and I told her that this is probably going to destroy my self worth. I have told her that I will forgive her, I just want to be able to focus on whatever it was, and not have 80 different scenarios going through my head. 

I have little to no social skills, I was malnourished as an adolescent, and that prevented that part of my brain developing in that area. I can't keep going on like this because it is wearing me out. I am open to any ideas to help me just stop these things popping into my head. I have started have nightmares about the situation. Any ideas that could help me move on would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to provide me with feedback. I have nobody that I can discuss this with, my siblings have their own issues and I only communicate with one of my sisters. I can't discuss this with her as she does not like my wife. I feel like I am alone in this marriage, and in life.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

You've spent 35 years ignoring red flags and letting your wife refuse to discuss things?

My suggestion, since you have no one to talk to, would be to see a therapist and talk about all of this.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

A therapist will be nonjudgemental and have lots of knowledge about how you can help yourself.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I third that therapist advise.


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## vtx1800steve (May 9, 2019)

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I have thought about going to a marriage counselor to discuss things. I am looking for ways to get this out of my head so that I can move on. I will plan to go by myself at first to get some advice, later if my wife wants to go that is OK. We have had several arguments in the past few months, but we get nowhere except that she is not willing to share the issues with me, she just wants me to shut up and move forward. I have tried that several times, but I can only do that for so long until it starts getting to me and I say something. 

I was very naive when we met and got married, the last year I have become to see things from a different way, ignorance was bliss. I doubt that she has strayed the last 20 years, but when something from the past becomes clear in my mind about my suspicions. I had real self confidence issues in the past, I probably still have them. I accused her a couple of times in our when some suspicious issues happened like when I stopped by her work and she was not there. She told me that she went to the horse track with a female friend. At that time I just accepted that if she was cheating on me there was not anything that I could do because I did not function well meeting women and she knew that I would just have to take it. About the same time I contracted NSU, it is not 100 percent sure that it was sexually transmitted because I had a kidney stone around the same time and that could have caused it. I brought this up a couple of weeks ago and she accused me of cheating. It was so long ago that I am not sure if I had the NSU at the same time as the stone because it was too long ago.

While discussing this she asked me at what house did I expect that she cheated, I told here that house. She stated, no that did not happen. I then asked so, if you never cheated, why does it matter what house because if you didn't cheat then there should be no question. The next day I asked why she said that if she never cheated, she told me that knowing which house we were living in when I suspected her would help her know what year I was talking about. Frankly, I just don't believe her, but she insists nothing ever happened. She stated that after all these years of her being with me that I did not believe that she loves me. 

I do think she loves me now, she takes great care of me doing everything around the house because I am now disabled with a failed spinal fusion. She is always playing games on her computer, if I come over and sit with her massaging her feet and trying to be intimate but she continues to play games and watch TV. If I ask her why she never initiates sex, she states that she is shy. 

Now that I am much older, these things are constantly in my mind and it is destroying me. I am having medical issues because of being so malnourished as a youth. My pancreas is failing and I have developed Ischemia along with numerous other problems. Maybe I should just pretend nothing ever happened and try get along the last few years that I have. 

Sorry to make this so long, I think that it is helping me to at least have someplace where I can express myself. I am amazed that so many people are willing to help with advice. Keeping this all inside me is just wearing me out. I think that part of the reason that things have become clearer to me is that I was on a high dose of prescribed Opiates and have been able to reduce that amount required since having a spinal cord stimulator implanted. I was on a high dose for 5 years as I have had two spinal fusion surgeries, and two revision surgeries. I was working overseas when my back blew out and I flew to a hospital in Thailand to have the first fusion. Unfortunately one of the screws went through the bone and damaged the nerve root. I found that out after returning to the States and have another CT scan performed. It was three months until I had the screw removed, but the damage was already done. 

Maybe this is TMI, but it helps to get some of this out. Thanks to everyone for your advice.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Unfortunately if it looks like a duck................................

You've been suspicious off and on during the entire 35 years it sounds like. That isn't without reason. Would knowing that she had in fact cheated on you make a difference with whether you'd want to stay with her? Would what she did and who with and how many times matter? Because I really think there's more - maybe a LOT more - going on with her than you know, and if it was me I would want to find out.

There's a Coping with Infidelity section here on the board, maybe you could post in there and refer to this thread and see if the people there have more insight?


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## vtx1800steve (May 9, 2019)

It would not make any difference if I found out for sure that she had done this. I told her that all I want is to know what was going on because it is torture to have thoughts about the past get into my head where I see things more clearly because every situation that I remember I have to try and accept that something might have happened. Right now there are like 80 situations that have popped into my head from time to time. I would rather she tell me that yes, it happened, and this is what it is, instead of having 80 things going through my head without knowing which ones are true. It is the mystery that is killing me, and I have told her that. 

I told her a while ago that I was not able to communicate well with her when we first married and I was not able to provide her the emotional support that every woman needs. She takes good care of me, except for the physical support. She always says that she is shy, and I am the only one who will want to have sex. Our sex is good when we have it, but I always have to initiate things and I have told her that it makes me feel like I am the only one who wants sex and she goes along because it is her duty. 

I want to make our marriage work, I am too old to start over. Everything would be OK if she would admit what was going on back then, but I don't think that she is ever going to tell on herself. The more talking about it is off-limits the more wild crazy ideas pop into my head. If she said it was X, or Y, then I could accept that and not have to see every situation in our past as, it must have been this or that. I am going to tell her that I want some counseling for myself because I can't continue to have all this stress in my life.


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