# They will not change....



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I hear this a lot. People saying that someone will not change after marriage... well I am going to have to call bull on this. People change all the time as they age and mature. If no one changed after being with someone for a certain amount of time... then my own spouse would still be a smoking, drinking at bars every night jerk. People who had great sex lives before marriage.. would still have it after.. instead of complaining about how their spouse suddenly turned LD. 

People do change.. especially if they have a reason too. ( sorry if I didn't use the right to/too lol.. I know some of you all are picky about that! ) 

Feel free to add your input.. would love to discuss this more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course people change over time. Doesn't mean they change for the better... And marrying someone expecting/hoping they'll change for the better is a fool's game.

C


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That's true.. I agree with that. Not all change is for the better and indeed to expect it.. is pretty foolish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

yup


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I think everyone here is right. Just some are capable of changing for the better and some aren't.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DayDream said:


> I think everyone here is right. Just some are capable of changing for the better and some aren't.


I suspect EVERYONE is capable of changing for the better. But unless they really want that change, it either won't happen or it won't stick.

C


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes change is hard...it can also be painful/uncomfortable , it's much easier to stay the same. 

Even change that will be good for us.. such as giving up smoking or losing weight, can be difficult.

I read recently that for a marriage to work there MUST be 2 things...trust and co-operation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It seems to me, with more than not... it near takes a "Gutter experience" to wake some up from their slumber. .....when they find themselves hanging on the verge of loosing it all - to finally say to themselves.... "I have a problem" and maybe I contributed to it !!"  Some need a brick thrown at them....or their spouse offering divorce papers. 

When they have exhausted & destroyed themselves on addictions, Cruel demanding behavior where their kids are avoiding them, might even hear an "I hate you" once in awhile.... their friends are dropping them like flies, family members shunning them, the wife crying in the bedroom....hopefully this will have some impact. 

But if they marry an "Enabler" who goes along with such behavior, the wife dutifully buying her husband the booze -even though he is an alcoholic -a few DUI's under his belt......it just encourages further behavior...and a revolving door of unhappiness. 

One should never walk down the aisle with someone if they can't fully "accept" their current behavior, beliefs, ways of dealing with anger, sex drive -- flaws & all. Know what they are & where these things may lead, how they can mess with future "everything".....our health, relationships, finances, kids, etc. 

We all have our expectations, some higher than others... Me for example....I didn't expect a man with means, but I did expect someone who cared about his health & had excellent work ethic.... when I met my husband, he smoked...I told him right there -" the cigs or me baby"...I wasn't going to be kissing an ashtray & I'd never put up with wasting $$ on something that slowly destoys your lungs so I'd be worried about cancer & his breathing later in life. He quit that day. 

I think Men need incentive sometimes... women too!

Cause if you marry them in their drug habit, drinking problem, if you marry them in their "hanging out with the guys at the bar every night" ways, in their video game addiction, in their credit card overspending with creditors calling....if you marry her when she is already showing signs of "not being into sex".... in this way, you are accepting them the way they are.... less likely to change, doesn't mean it can't happen of course ....

Where there is breath - there is also HOPE.... But it could be a hard hard road ahead..many tears & heartache. 

One shouldn't be foolish enough to EXPECT "change" .....that having a baby is going to make him LOVE me more, that when you get the big beautiful house in the Suburbs, that SHE will be a better housekeeper (if she can't clean the toilet in her little apartment, the toilet will still be dirty in the house beautiful bathroom....No...you'll just need to hire a maid then!) ... ..


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Women marry men, hoping to change them.

Men marry women, hoping they will never change.

Neither one gets what they wish.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Since my son was born 8 years ago, I've changed drastically. Men have come and gone from my life. I learned how to ask for what I wanted, and walk away from what I didn't want. Now that I'm married, I'm 100% sure I can continue to grow and change (hopefully for the better), I did it before marriage, so why not after?

I agree, Gaia.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I've always believed that a healthy person is a work in progress, and the ideal is for us to grow and expand throughout our lives. If we have baggage or bad habits, with a bit of effort we can change and grow from it.

Having said that, growth requires effort and if someone doesn't have the desire to change, they won't.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I hear this a lot. People saying that someone will not change after marriage...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What usually changes is the point of reference. No one can change into what someone wants if what they want is always changing. This is just another take on never being good enough


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Everyone changes.whether those changes are good or bad depends on the person and their idea of what good/bad really is and who is viewing them to determine whether the changes are good/bad.
some might view it as bad when a woman becomes more independent.some might view it as good and so on with all the other examples out there of varying views.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife hasn't really changed in 20 years.... Thats the problem!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SA..... For some reason, I seem to like all your post no matter what the topic is about. I bet you can write a book with all your "smarts"


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> SA..... For some reason, I seem to like all your post no matter what the topic is about. I bet you can write a book with all your "smarts"


I have told her she needs to write a book. She's so good at it!


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## CodeComplete (Aug 9, 2012)

SA is correct. I thought I could never change but I was wrong. As she said, it took a crisis to force me to change. I think we all come with a certain dispostion crafted by our genes and our upbringing that make it very difficult to change. I see things in my daughter that I have always delt with. I did not teach her, she came with it. I am trying to help her learn to overcome it so she does live a life in frustration like I have.


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## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

For me it's not that people don't change - of course they do. I know I have changed and so has my wife.

But when people are talking about changing someone - that's when you have problems - as it's very hard to get someone to change. You can change yourself - that's about it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Aww Thank you kindly Already Gone & Southern Wife .... I am just a Mom who doesn't get off the farm much... I used to read alot ...now I just hang here! But yeah...I have a







for writing, it just never dies. If I have a problem, just give me a pen...I'll get to the heart of the matter ! Ha ha

Why forums have always been such an enticement to me....many yrs ago I made a comment to someone -I should work for a Newspaper, have my own Dear Abby page (think "Simply Amorous" sextion) :rofl: .......would fit me like a glove...but who needs that anymore....Ya see... Forums like this - we're all Dear Abby's! 

I have entertained the thought... I may go on & write a book (someday), but I have yet to know the specific topic..... certain things weigh on me but not enough there like a flame burning....calling me to tear into it....

I know such things will come -IF I am destined somehow.... It is like a peace -and a fury - to accomplish....for some purpose, it just seems every author has it covered ! For now, I'll just hang out here.... it is good for learning ! 

Men & women, their ways, differences, beliefs, attitudes - all of it...never cease to fasinate me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Smoking cannabis changes people. It makes those susceptible to it become schizophrenic. They think people are out after them and they become deluded.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CodeComplete said:


> *it took a crisis to force me to change*.


Same with my hubs. It took me walking out on him with our baby for him to see the err of his ways. After that............I got a much better (and changed) husband. That was back in 2006, and we're still going on strong!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ve put a lot of thought into this very subject because my wife did change, pretty much from the point of proposal.

Something I believe is true: You enter marriage with a ton of preconceptions and expectations. Mr. & Mrs. brings forth some sort of imagery in your head of what that means for both guys and gals. You start making efforts to ‘fit’ into that mold or role that you’ve imagined and hold your spouse to your little imagery as well. You just sort of stop being ‘you’(the old dating you) and become “husband” or “wife” and whatever that personally means to you. 

So, just look back.... I’ll bet you a lot of us sort of ‘took a path toward our married ideal’ .. It is change. And a fatal flaw is you just are sort of ‘blind’ to the concept that your spouse isn’t you and their ‘life instruction book’ doesn’t share the same author.. They may have another idea of what ‘married’/’parent’ looks like. Or they may not have the right ‘mechanisms or tools’ to find a healthy balance of all the roles needed to be successful in a deep relationship like a marriage. So you hold them to your standard (ideal) and start getting angry that they aren’t ‘holding up their end of the bargin’... It’s a classic covert contract. You expect them to fall in line with your ideals because that is simply how things are supposed to be in your mind; Your own ‘life instruction book’ you wrote and they are breaking ‘your rules’ for how they were supposed to be. 

Hopefully this makes sense. Just ask yourself the differences in expectation levels between dating someone and being married to someone. You’ll see massive differences. And understand you spouse thinks the same way and it may not align completely with yours. I believe the best marriages are those where either people change to align their expectations or they were fairly closely aligned to start with. Adaptation and change are necessary.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I don't like the word "change" in this kind of context. It carries too much baggage, especially her at TAM. I prefer "evolve." I have evolved a lot over my ten years of marriage; the way I behave, the way I think, my viewpoints... all different. My wife is a different case. She's essentially the same person she was when we met. Very little growth. That's not bad... it's just a little disappointing because I'd like her to join me on this trip of discovery, and she can't.

We've actually discussed this several times over the past few years, how much I've I've grown and matured compared to her. Granted, she was also much more mature than I when we met, but now I feel like I generally make better decisions and am less likely to get angry about minor things than she is.

On the other hand, I'm also medicated. 

When I ask her why she seems to be stuck in this rut, she usually says something that boils down to this: she doesn't know any other way and is scared. We've even tried to introduce baby steps to make it easier for her. Sometimes she may try them and fall back into old habits. Sometimes she'll say she'll try and then never does.

All this to say that I kind of agree with Racer. Each person comes into a marriage wanting to achieve a successful relationship, but each of each have a different idea of what success means. It can make it very frustrating if someone feels they have grown and matured over the course of the relationship but thinks that his/her spouse hasn't.


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