# No clue what to do...



## HopeAlways (Apr 29, 2012)

because I don't believe in the "fake it til you make it" crap that people spout.

I have been with my husband for 11 years. We got together just before my 19th birthday and have been together ever since. Our relationship moved relatively quickly, and we had a child together just after our 3 yr anniversary. We got married a few years later and baby #2 came into our family.

At the beginning I wanted sex and intimacy with him. I craved it, but to be 100% honest, he has never given me an orgasm. And I don't know if its that or just our relationship running its course, but we rarely have sex now. I have never really been big on foreplay (and yes I'm the female half of this pair!). I know I can orgasm because I have a reliable battery operated friend, but after all the years of no real "satisfaction", I just don't even want to bother any more. 

I fantasize, and I want get it in my head to jump him, but then when it comes time for the jumping...I just shut down.

Something else that I think contributes is that he is always grabbing my boobs. And I mean ALWAYS! And the most random and inappropriate times, and he always seems to work my breasts or nipples into the conversation when the kids aren't around. This does NOT turn me on. It makes me feel stupid actually. My breasts have never been an erogenous zone for me, and having to hear about them all the time just pisses me off. I'm almost 30 and frankly I don't want to be talked at, or grabbed like I'm still 19! I tell him this all the time, and he doesn't bother to change his actions at all.

Last year I thought things were getting better, but then he decided to go ahead and get a vasectomy, which he knew clearly I didn't want him to get and I think that emotional betrayal set me right back. I know its selfish and stupid to feel as I do, but it is how I feel.

We have gone through some rough times over the last year, but we have also made a lot of progress getting to a good place again, but no change to the sex life. 

He's my best friend, but there is no intimacy really. We barely kiss or hug. But we get along pretty well, and are generally a good family together.

I worry that maybe this is all we can be any more. I debate with myself that maybe we are just going to love each other, but not be IN love any more. I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives miserable and unfulfilled, but I have a feeling that if we split, that we will not be friends any more and I can't put my kids into a divorced family where the Mom and Dad can't get along. 

Once a long time ago my husband and I were talking about this one female friend of mine that has always managed to stay friends with her ex's and they usually become the most important and closest friends that she has. His reaction is that they all must be crazy, because if we ever split up he couldn't even try to be friends with an ex. He figures there would be to many hurt feelings to truly wish each other well.

I don't know how to tell him that he has never given me an orgasm without really hurting him. I don't hate sex. There are times I want the intimacy...with or without the orgasm, but that is getting to be pretty damn far apart these days.

I don't know if I really even want comments, or advice, but I had to lay this all out somewhere, but feel free to share any thoughts or criticisms about me. I'm used to getting blamed for not making an effort.

and yes we have discussed going to therapy, but frankly, we never get past talking about it to the doing it phase. Either we can't afford it at the time, or some other thing comes up in our lives, like moving a couple hundred KM's or new jobs to distract us. 

I just passed probation at my new job and they cover a little bit of a psychologist, so I might just start going on my own once a month or something, but I still needed to get the thoughts out there. I have one friend that knows 100% what is going on to talk to, but I can't keep burdening her with my crap.

So forum readers...have at it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You need to reopen the lines of communication, talk to him about sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopeAlways (Apr 29, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> You need to reopen the lines of communication, talk to him about sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


we do talk about sex. He thinks its a matter of needing to know "what I want to try", and then he tries to turn the discussion into foreplay. This happens every time, and if I try to turn it back to a serious discussion, he takes it as rejection, gets huffy and ends the conversation completely. 

But at other times, we talk about fantasies, and fetishes. We talk about the "hot chick" or the "sexy ass" that walks by at the mall. We talk about a movie or book scene that turned one of us on, or the hot dream we had the night before. 

I wonder sometimes if my desire to try certain fetishes is what is in the way. Maybe I just can'tget off without pain, but I just don't trust him enough to "experiment" with that. He shows no interest in researching it, and how to be safe and not cause actual harm, but he says he's willing to just "try it". 

I know there are serious trust issues at play here...which is what makes me wonder if we are past a certain point here...


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

First, it's not "he has never given me an orgasm" it's "WE have never given me an orgasm when we are intimate together."

If he doesn't already know he has never given you an orgasm, have you been faking it? 

Also, a lot of women cannot have an orgasm through pure penetration. It would be completely pointless to hide this from him because you can use your hand or a toy while he has sex with you (laying to the side) . This way you can experience an orgasm while feeling him inside you. Do you orgasm with the toy through insertion or rubbing it on your clit? If it's rubbing it on your clit, you may not be the 30% of women who can orgasm purely through intercourse. I remember reading a study about women who's clitoris are over an inch away from thier urethra hole will not be able to orgasm through pure intercourse. However, there are so many ways an unselfish lover can give you enough space to be able to do what you need to do to feel stimulated. Do not blame or hold it against your husband he hasn't made you cum because it's your job to communicate and noone knows your body better than you. You haven't told him in over a decade that he hasn't given you an orgasm? COMMUNICATON. That means you haven't told him what you'd like him to do to give you an orgasm. Talk to him. 

Try writing him a letter explaining what is going on with you. If he wants to talk after he reads it, be there for him.


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## HopeAlways (Apr 29, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> If he doesn't already know he has never given you an orgasm, have you been faking it?
> 
> Also, a lot of women cannot have an orgasm through pure penetration. It would be completely pointless to hide this from him because you can use your hand or a toy while he has sex with you (laying to the side) . This way you can experience an orgasm while feeling him inside you. Do you orgasm with the toy through insertion or rubbing it on your clit? If it's rubbing it on your clit, you may not be the 30% of women who can orgasm purely through intercourse. I remember reading a study about women who's clitoris are over an inch away from thier urethra hole will not be able to orgasm through pure intercourse. However, there are so many ways an unselfish lover can give you enough space to be able to do what you need to do to feel stimulated. Do not blame or hold it against your husband he hasn't made you cum because it's your job to communicate and noone knows your body better than you. You haven't told him in over a decade that he hasn't given you an orgasm? COMMUNICATON. That means you haven't told him what you'd like him to do to give you an orgasm. Plus it sounds like you think it's his fault?
> 
> Try writing him a letter explaining what is going on with you. If he want to talk after he reads it, be there for him.


1) i don't think anything is only one persons fault actually. I think very few things in any relationship can be "blamed" on only one half of the pair. and I believe that sex problems are an equal part on both sides.

2) No, I don't fake it. Its hard to explain why, but I don't.

3) I have orgasmed from penetration before with a previous partner, so I know I'm "capable".

4) We have also tried vibrating toys during penetrative sex, but he gets freaked out by the vibrations. Vibrating ****rings, vibe butt plugs and clit stimulators have all been tried, but to be blunt...make him lose his erection. 

But I appreciate the response. I'll have to take your points about the letter writing and and think on that more in depth tomorrow after some rest. Quite honestly, I've believed for a long time that it purely my fault, and that isn't just "oh poor me" talk. I've been debating for some time that maybe I should get my hormone levels tested or something, or that perhaps it is simple poor body image and hurt feelings from past issues. 

They do say that women are more emotionally tied to sex then men. But I have always hated being thought of as a "typical" women, but hurt feelings leave deep scars. Hence why I'm also seeking individual councelling right now.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I edited my previous response prior to seeing your post. However, your reply definitely changes a lot of what I said. I do see why you need to be careful when talking with him. If a previous partner made you orgasm, that could possibly hurt him. If it had nothing to do with "size" difference, but performance, then talk to him about it without mentioning your previous partners. That information is probably something you should keep to yourself, which you've already figured out. I'd hate knowing my wife did this, but figure out what your previous partner did that your husband isn't doing. Don't let him know, but help him get you off by telling him what makes you tick (if you know) . I think my wife telling me she wants to have an orgasm with me, no matter what, would let me know she wants me to be the man who has done it all. My wife has never had an orgasm through pure intercourse, but we have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. 

My wife also is 100% against faking it. That's a good thing in my opinion. 

What I do not get though, why are you afraid to say to him he has never made you orgasm? He already knows right? I have seen some men naive enough to think that their wife cums when they do, just because they moan or get into it. Is that his perspective? As a teen, even I thought this way. Young, dumb, and selfish.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I assume you can orgasm on your own.

get brave and show what you need if he balks say I just want my husband to do me the way I like shouldn't I be able to comunicate to the person I love what I like sexually with the fear of being judged.

now I've been a bad girl some come give me a spanking!!! or whatever you like.


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