# Will knowing the intimate details help?



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

So I'm nine days out from d day and after initially getting the trickle truth H has admitted to sleeping with the OW on three occasions, I asked him details such as when, where, who initiated etc. But now I find myself wondering about the details... Did the have oral sex, did he do the things that he has learned I like with the OW, what positions did they use (I feel physically sick thinking about it)

Please, please be gentle with me. I'm really fragile today.

Is it better to convince myself that they had boring straight forward drunken quicky sex, or am I better asking about the details even though it will kill me to hear them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As someone who asked for and got a LOT of intimate details, I can tell you I wish I did not know. And in a way I am kinda glad I do know cause it cheapened what he did. Make sense? Nonetheless, I wish I never asked.

Some people want to know. Others don't want to go there.

It's totally up to you.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm suffering the mind movies anyway ... I think I might just try and deal without the details. I'm struggling enough as it is  

This is so ****ing hard ... I feel like I'm going crazy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it does totally suck. I'm sorry.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I found the emails of my wifes PA and what I read and saw sickens me still. I am about 4 months out from D Day. I also wondered did she do things with him that she will not with me and of course being a guy I was wondering was he better. and of course the size thing as well.

I think you need to ask for the details because I think your spouse has to tell you as part of the process to reconcile. If you are going to show him the door do not torture yourself.

I wish I could switch of the mental pictures as well. When this happens I try to focus on other things. My kids, work ....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

its a double edged sword

knowing will give you the exact mind movies

but the imagined mind movies may be worse than the reality


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unless you know yourself really well and know that you can stand the gory details, I would not ask for them. Especially if you find out that he did things with her that he's never done with you and will never do with you.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

How long before I start feeling better, before I can eat and sleep. Today I feel like I want to curl up and die  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am so sorry. And am sending you a big hug. There is no time limit. The scars will always stay with you and you will trigger at the weirdest/strangest times. You will never un-know what you now know. You are still fresh into this so it's going to feel like a nightmare for awhile. 

Know that time is on your side.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

ishe? said:


> How long before I start feeling better, before I can eat and sleep. Today I feel like I want to curl up and die
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm about 35 days out. I'm nearly 28lbs down, and surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a night. 

I'll let you know when it stops being a living nightmare...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Day at a time. One day at a time.
You WILL get through this. We've all benn where you are and you will eventually get to where we are.

But right now it's 5h1t


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Is it worth it? All this pain? I know our relationship is salvageable but cutting loose would hurt less, no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It depends on you. I myself find that I'm better dealing with actual rad facts rather than my imagination.

It still hurts, but in the long run not as much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The saying comes to mind, "better the devil you know" But it is your call to make... I'd say assume the worst (that it was great, passionate and deliberate lovemaking - sorry, I know firsthand that is really hard to take) and decide if you are offering R or not. If you plan to R, and he is willing to do what it takes, then I'd say he has to put all his cards on the table... If you are divorcing anyway, then don't ask for the details because they will only prevent you from recovering faster - make it part of the letting go process.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It's your imagination, use it. You may not have control over the images wanting to come forward and out... but you have complete control over what those images are. Manipulate them.

When something horrible and disturbing like the images where she's perfect, or shes a tiger in bed, or they are sharing some meaningful intimate moment laughing and giggling or intertwined in some passionate embrace....(all common thoughts) think to yourself "STOP" and mentally think "REWIND" and rewind the schene in your head.... Now begin to manipulate the picture in your head... Start simple... change the color of the sheets, change the time of day, add or subtract things in the picture.... As you begin to do this.. you will realize you have control over the thoughts... Now... rewrite the whole dynamic. Instead of being perfect... give her nasty purple stretch marks... make the sex awkward and quick. Give her bad breath, etc, etc.. 

Try it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Even though my affair was an EA, my wife does not want to hear any of the details.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This question has been posted many times before. The answers all depend on the individual. But the OP also asked 

"I know our relationship is salvageable but cutting loose would hurt less, no?"

Frankly, I would think no. Ending it won't hurt the pain at all. You were still betrayed by the person you loved the most on this earth. IMHO leaving won't help that, but that's not why you make that decision. You make that decision based on your future, and whether you feel you can live with your H 6 months from now, 1 year from now, etc.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Is it wrong that I need him to help me get through this? I know that he needs me too, we are each others best friends and when I'm with him I feel better because we can talk about our feelings and sharing each others pain helps both of us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I can't tell you what would be best for you, but I can tell you what I did and what I wish I would have done.

I asked for everything. Time line, how they kissed, how and where his hands was, where and how hers was, how hard / soft, what ways, what he said, what she said, grunts, grabs, how big, what they did after, what they did before, about the lighting, who took what off of eachother. I know it all. 

While some of what was told to me was not as bad as my mind movies, I could always tell myself that it was all in my mind. But now that I know everything, the mind movies are the truth and I cant just say it was all just in my head. 

I've had nightmares for three months after I found out all the details..... I wish I would have never asked.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case I needed the details, I don't regret knowing them. My imagination would have gotten the better of me not knowing, hell it was even interesting. 

I really wanted to know what I was forgiving and it was a consequence she had to relive. It was harder on her to talk up then it was for me to listen to. I just look at it as another porno, it was her that was doing wrong, it was her twisted life style that brought her to the good and bad experiences she went through.

My big point here is knowing what you are forgiving, but be warned take the time to think about what you want to know cause it will haunt you...I just work really hard in making the mind movies all about her and the fact that I'm better then what my imagination wants me to think about. 

Just becareful, I'm wired alot different then most, when it comes to sex I can seperate it alot easier then most...intimacy thats my problem.

So give your self some more time to write down what you want to know versus what you need to know to move on and prevent this from happening again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> its a double edged sword
> 
> knowing will give you the exact mind movies
> 
> but the imagined mind movies may be worse than the reality


I asked for details and got them. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined, so I am glad I did.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I HAD to know. God I wish I didn't now.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're going though this ishe, but hopefully the trickle truth is done and you can finally begin to heal.

I'm a BS and my husband had a 7 month EA/PA with a co-worker which consisted of two hotel visits for sex. I asked for details, because I needed to know. But I didn't sit down and ask for everything all at once. If I had a question, I'd wait. Then if I still wanted to know the answer after a few hours, I'd ask. At first I'd ask several questions a day, now almost a year since d-day it's probably been a few months since I asked a question. Perhaps I finally asked enough to paint a clear enough picture that the mind movies subsided, but the reality was not too detailed to be unbearable.

Time is what you need. You also need to know that there are no more bombshells. I got the trickle truth for several days, then finally my husband confessed to an affair from 10 years ago too (different OW). It was devastating all over again, but oddly a relief. I finally felt like there were no more hidden secrets lurking in the corners.

Trying to R after such a betrayal is incredibly hard, but it does get easier if you are in true R. Even if in true R, you may still have doubts as to whether or not it's the right thing to do. I'm almost a year from d-day and every once in a while I get a zing of, "What if this is all a sham?" I talk to my H (and verify through other means), but it's his actions and attitude that help reassure me. 

Of course a BS will ponder leaving to start over, but many of us will never trust blindly again. Doubts, insecurities, and mistrust may creep into any relationship I have from now on. If I'm going to have these issues, why not work them out with the man who created them in the first place? If the WS's support is helping you heal, by all means take it. He _should_ support you during this time. Getting our questions answered, being able to express our anger, and physcially bonding with our wayward spouse helps to ease the pain. Perhaps only briefly, but it's something.

How long will the pain last? I can't remember exacty when I regained my appetite or started to function normally again, but it was a few weeks after the trickle truth finally ended. Within a few months we were able to take a family vacation together and actually had a great trip. We are fast approaching the 1 year mark of d-day and I'm a little nervous, but proud of myself for surviving the most difficult year of my life. It goes fast, so stay strong and come here as often as you need for support.

Are we a successful R story? Not yet. Even though I'm full of hope and everything is on track for a success story, it's too soon to tell. I have moments where I look at my H and want to pelt him with something for doing this to me or have a brief wave of disgust that he was capable of cheating. I also have moments of anger over the unfairness of it all, that he got to date someone else and experience the thrill of "new" while I have not. Plus, I can still trigger. Last week I had to drive to a store by his old job to get something I couldn't find anywhere else. Turns out it was right next to a restaurant he took the OW for lunch once. I didn't trigger horribly, but it was enough to bring me down for the day. He didn't realize the store was near this restaurant, otherwise he would've done it himself. 

These are the types of things that make you question, is it worth it? But then we'll have a great night, snuggled on the couch listening to music. The house all dark except for Chirstmas lights and the kids upstairs sleeping. It's these kind of moments that give me a sense of peace and that perhaps we can make it afterall.

I like this quote by Anne Lamott from her book "Bird by Bird" (it's a book for aspiring writers). "Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'"

I find the message applies well in many aspects of my life and when the process of R seems overwhelming, I remind myself to take it "bird by bird". Good luck and come to the threads as often as you need if it helps.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

When my ex wife left, we really didn't have any closure, so mind movies were all I had. So I can't imagine the real details being any worse than anything I could have imagined (I can imagine some real raunchy stuff ). Would it have helped? I can't say because I don't remember too much from that time period because my mind was in a constant alcohol induced fog.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I can't tell you what would be best for you, but I can tell you what I did and what I wish I would have done.
> 
> I asked for everything. Time line, how they kissed, how and where his hands was, where and how hers was, how hard / soft, what ways, what he said, what she said, grunts, grabs, how big, what they did after, what they did before, about the lighting, who took what off of eachother. I know it all.
> 
> ...


I had to know everything because I did not want her to have any secrets from me. She took what was mine and it was my way of taking it back. I let her know via e-mail that My H had informed my about every intimate detail. It bothers me to know everything, but it bothers her a hell of a lot more.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

That Bird by Bird book was very well written, but it made me wonder if being a writer (I've written 2 novels, still unpublished) was something I could handle...

Anyway, I was thinking about this question from the other angle. If I were the wayward, and my spouse asked me for all the details, I can't imagine actually coming out with it all. I would likely just divulge the basics, maybe throw in an occasional detail. For things that would be particularly nasty, I would probably keep that from my spouse for the sake of her feelings, and due to shame. 

So....think about that as well. Your H already lied a lot. Do you think he would really give you every detail you are looking for?


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Gabriel said:


> Anyway, I was thinking about this question from the other angle. If I were the wayward, and my spouse asked me for all the details, I can't imagine actually coming out with it all. I would likely just divulge the basics, maybe throw in an occasional detail. For things that would be particularly nasty, I would probably keep that from my spouse for the sake of her feelings, and due to shame.
> 
> So....think about that as well. Your H already lied a lot. Do you think he would really give you every detail you are looking for?


I would guess most would continue to lie. The WS would tell what they wanted and what they think you need to know but keep the worst a secret.
I have just decided to know there are lies and even if I asked for the details. I would never 100 percent know that I got the truth.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

To be honest I'd like him to lie. I dont want to know if he had great sex and I'm **** in comparison. I want to hear that it was just your average rubbish drunk sex.

I'm not going to ask! I can play it down in my imagination and I think that will be better in the long run
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a good trick to mind movies is to start consciously inserting absurd things into them

(ie. they are wearing clown suits, or she is oozing pus from zits)


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ishe? said:


> Is it wrong that I need him to help me get through this? I know that he needs me too, we are each others best friends and when I'm with him I feel better because we can talk about our feelings and sharing each others pain helps both of us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, completely not wrong - I'd even go so far as to say it's really good. My wife and I totally leaned on each other after D Day. I helped her as was my obligation and she helped me just as much. It really helped us to reconnect with each other after I threw a bomb into our marriage. It was key in our reconciliation. 




Gabriel said:


> That Bird by Bird book was very well written, but it made me wonder if being a writer (I've written 2 novels, still unpublished) was something I could handle...
> 
> Anyway, I was thinking about this question from the other angle. If I were the wayward, and my spouse asked me for all the details, I can't imagine actually coming out with it all. I would likely just divulge the basics, maybe throw in an occasional detail. For things that would be particularly nasty, I would probably keep that from my spouse for the sake of her feelings, and due to shame.
> 
> So....think about that as well. Your H already lied a lot. Do you think he would really give you every detail you are looking for?


I'll address this as a wayward. If my wife asked a question I answered it with what she needed to fully understand the truth, always erring on the side of to much detail vs. not enough - I did not want to be guilty of trickle truth. But, I would only give the details necessary to answer the question, I would not give any more than was necessary only because I didn't see the point in giving her bad news she didn't ask for - again as long as she knew the truth. If my answer led to another question or more detail - I'd give it openly and straight forward but I did let my wife find that path and ask for details on her own vs. my just dropping it all on her. Again - I want to reiterate that I did make sure she knew and understood the truth and the reality of what I did.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good choice, after awhile its not so much the details , but that it happened period. This will take time and it does get better.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

HusbandInPain said:


> I'm about 35 days out. I'm nearly 28lbs down, and surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a night.
> 
> I'll let you know when it stops being a living nightmare...


After 14 years I am not over it.


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