# RECONCILIATION PROBLEMS, I NEED HELP - It's long, but please read...



## crisis1008

Hello,

I am currently very upset and confused, so forgive me if this comes off with an angry or hurt edge to it. I am writing here hoping someone out there can help me. 

My husband and I reconciled after about a 9 or 10 month separation. If you look back at my threads you will see that I spent a lot of that time here on this forum, as I was so lost.

Now, I am back as a couple of issues continue to haunt my marriage, and I am not certain that they will ever iron out. My husband and I are in a heated argument once again. I have neglected to visit the site, as my husband told me that these sites are not conducive to a healthy marriage, as only one side of the story is heard. In addition, he told me that if I was visiting forums without his knowledge, then I am lying to him. He does not want me to talk to my/our friends or family about our problems, so where am I to turn. I love my husband with all of my heart, but I am not feeling very happy about where things have gone or are headed. I am afraid that this may not work.

When my husband and I reconciled about 10 monthsa ago, he asked me if I had sex with anyone else while we were separated, assuring me that if I had nothing between he and I would change. I told him I did not, and he continued to badger me about once a week. I kept answering the same questions over and over again, until I finally blew up and told him that if he did not believe me and did not stop badgering me, I could not reconcile with him. I just knew that life would be hell. Finally, my husband swore that he believed me and that he would never bring up the time that we were separated again. I was very leery and expressed to him that I was concerned that he was just saying that so I would come home, and that I was afraid that he would not be able to control himself after about six months. I told him that I did not believe that he would never be able to let go of the time that we were separated and would always throw it in my face. He assured me that he had changed and would never do such a thing. How could I have been so naive to have believed him? 

A few months after we reconciled, we got into an argument (I can’t even remember what about), when he told me that was why he did not believe that I was not seeing anyone during our separation. Amazingly enough, I was shocked by his comment. He told me that I could prove that I had not by taking a lie-detector test.

Now, about 1 1.2 to 2 years before our separation he made me take a lie detector test because he believed I was unfaithful. It was the single most traumatic three weeks of my life. I went through hell as the days lead up to the test, as my husband treated me like a wh*re, and abused me verbally, mentally and emotionally. He also destroyed things in the house and made me get down on my knees and clean up the mess as he hurled obscenities at me. Finally, I had a stranger probe me about every intimate detail of my life as I answered every question with fright and embarrassment. When I passed the test, I dropped to my knees and cried, then forgave my husband for putting me through this horrible ordeal. NOW, HE WANTS ME TO DO IT AGAIN? “NO WAY!”, I thought to myself. While we were separated I expressed to my husband that I should have never had to go through what I went through and would never do it again. I explained to him that if he ever asked me to do anything like that again, I would leave him. But, now it is happening all over again. I am sure everyone here knows just how hard it is to carry-out a promise like this when you love someone so much. Instead of refusing the test, I told my husband that I would do it if he wanted me to, but just like the last time, I would be bringing my sister, best friend or both with me for moral and emotional support. This seemed to piss him off. He told me that he would never ask me or tell me to take another lie-detector test, but that I should want to do it for him. I am not stupid and am onto his angle. He does not want me to tell my friends or family that he is requesting I take a lie-detector test once again. None of them agreed with it the first time and told me that it was a form of abuse. Rather, he wants it to be that I have to tell them that I want to take the test. I MAY BE STUPID IN LOVE, BUT I AM NOT ENTIRELY DUMB! I reiterated to him that if he wanted me to take the test, I would, but made it very clear that I would NEVER want to take a lie detector test. I mean, who would? Seriously! What does he take me for, a total idiot?

Nonetheless, this argument has not died after all this time. He tells me that I do not care about his feelings and don’t care that this will torture him for the next fifty years or so. I told him this was a condition of our reconciling and reminded him that he promised he believed me. I told him that I do not want to be in a marriage like this. He even stopped badgering me for a little bit, as he tried to convince me to move forward with having children.

When we reconciled, we agreed that we would wait a year in order to allow our marriage to grow strong again before we tried to get pregnant. However, after about 6 months he began pressuring me to have children, always excusing the rush by saying that he would not have children past the age of fifty (he is currently 48). He held me back from having children for about six years before we were separated, but now he was in a rush. I convinced myself to move forward with trying to have a baby, thinking that he was over the lie detector test issue. I mean, if he wasn’t he wouldn’t want to bring a child into this marriage, right? Wrong! Just after this first month of our trying to conceive, my husband, 17-year-old step-daughter and I were listening to the radio during a road trip when he and I did not agree on who sang a particular song, so I chose to google it just to find out who really sang it. I only wanted to be educated. I was not competing with my husband, but he takes everything as a competition. He asked me why I needed to google it if I was not trying to prove him wrong. I told him that I just want to know the truth. He replied by saying “So do I.” My jaw just dropped in shock. Not only had he brought up this issue again, but he had done it while we trying to conceive and while my step-daughter was right there next to us. I asked “Are you serious?” in amazement. He replied “Yes, I’m serious”. We both ignored it from there and seemed to pretend the comment had never been made. Just last week, he did it again. He said that I was selfish and did not consider his feelings as I would not take a lie-detector test. I again reminded him that I had never refused, but that he would never make me want to take one. Just like every other time this issue comes up, he told me that if had nothing to hide then I would have no problem taking the test. I told him that he was full of it, and was only trying to guilt me into doing something that I did not want to do. Adding, that the last time I took one I was very scared and did not want to do it and finally proved that I never had anything to hide. 

Today, he did it again. This time I blew up. I told him that if I ever did wind up taking the test for some ungodly reason, I would take the results, ball them up, chuck them at his face and then f***ing leave him. He then told me that I was acting immature because I was yelling and cursing.

Why is he doing this to me? Will this ever end? Please, has anyone out there ever been through this? Can anyone tell me how this will end or how to get through it?

Sincerely,



LOSING IT


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## denise1218

I have not personally been thru this...nor would I ever allow myself to go thru this and you shouldn't either. It seems to me that he loves to be in control of you and the relationship.....sorry to say, but in my opinion, that is nowhere near being in love with you and the relationship. I do not know you, but I do know you deserve better than this piece of sh#%. You need to stop loving him....and love yourself first!!! Like many couples who reconcile....trust is the first thing that needs to be taken care of.....it seems as if both of you have your own hesitations about the relationship. That is not a good sign. So I suggest you take care of you....love yourself, respect yourself, and trust that you will make the best decision for YOU...not him. Wishing you the best!


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## crisis1008

I thank you so much for replying. I do agree with you but am severely torn. Whenever, I try to put my own sanity first, I am told that I am selfish and am made to feel guilty for wanting to simply be happy and healthy within my own heart.

Whenever I become emotional over these types of things, my husband tells me that I have issues. He tells me that I am overly emotional, a drama queen if you will, and that all of my friends and family know so. I don't mean to be a drama queen, or overly emotional. It hurts so badly. I don't know how to react other than to cry uncontrollably, or react defensively using a matter-of-fact tone with him until I finally break and begin yelling and crying. I am not an angry or violent person in any way, shape or form, but have definite anger issues toward him. 

When we reconciled, I was somehow able to forgive him for all that he had done to me in the past. I have never once thrown anything he has ever done in the past in his face since we reconciled. All I want is to be happy in love with my husband. However, I find myself walking on eggshells again, and the anger and resentment is flooding back very quickly. This seems all to familiar to me. Therefore, it is reminding me of all the very harmful treatment he so frequently bestowed upon me before we separated.

I know that I need to go back to counseling. I just want him to love me, and be happy in love with me.

I am not perfect, though. In the past, I would lie to my husband about having a credit card or bank account, because I was so afraid of how he would react. I would also lie about who I was confiding in about our problems. Again, because I would be afraid of how he would react if he knew I was talking to people outside of the house. However, when we reconciled he told me that I could talk to my family and friends about how I was feeling, but asked me not to run to my family for every little thing as it only causes more problems. I agreed to this and promised him that I would always be honest with him from there on, but haven't. The first issue of dishonestly was directly after he brought up the request for a lie detector test a few months after we reconciled. I told him that I told my best friend, but neglected to tell him that I told my cousin. This was not an every little thing type of issue to me. To me, this problem was huge. He found out, and asked me if I had talked to anyone other than my best friend about the issue. I denied it, until he assured me that he knew I had. He was very angry as he told me that I had promised not to talk to anybody about our problems and then told me that he could not trust me as I had lied again. I apologized for lying, but explained that I had not agreed to not talk to my family or friends about anything, and expressed that I did not feel that I should have to tell him about every conversation I have with anyone about my feelings. I expressed that I should have a right to some individual privacy. He did not agree. 

Recently, I maxed out my credit card ($1,350.00). Not exactly big money, but I had created more debt for myself nonetheless and was terrified to tell him. So, initially, when my husband asked me what my balance was on my credit card I lied about the amount. Then it began to eat at me. I wanted to be honest. I did not want my marriage to be the way it was in the past. As hard as it was to come clean, I decided that I needed to give my husband the opportunity to not flip out on me, so I told him the truth as I sobbed uncontrollably and apologized repeatedly. Believe it or not, he did not get mad. He stayed very calm, but said he was still upset that I had lied to him before telling him the truth, adding that this was why he could not trust me with regard to the time we were separated. I explained that it took everything in me to get over my fear of him and be honest, as I did not want to lie. I explained that I was trying everything to be honest in our marriage. He just asked me if he could hit me again, and tell me that he was trying not to. I said no. While he did not blow-up on me, he found a way to make me out to be a lowly liar, which was almost worse. He has since told me that, because I have lied to him twice since we reconciled, that I have changed nothing about myself for our marriage, while he has changed everything about himself. But, wait a minute, I was not throwing him across rooms, smashing his face into a mattress, or constantly making him feel worthless by calling him names or telling him he did nothing before our separation. I DID EVERYTHING!!!!!! I did not call him names (not that I did not react to his incessant verbal abuse by saying f-you maybe twice), I was not physically abusing him (not that I did not slap him in the chest like something out of Gone With the Wind, when he continually hurled unwarranted insults at me as I was curled up on the floor before I could take no more), I cooked him dinner everynight even though I work an hour and half away from the house, I took care of both of his children and provided them with whatever they needed, and I cleaned the house. I even when to college full-time and obtained my Associates Degree in Education while working my far-away full-time job, all the while still maintaining the home and children. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING?!?!?!?! Anyway, I am venting about the pain and anger resulting from his treatment in the past. Again, I decided to let all of that go when we reconciled, but now it is all coming back.

Just the other day, I attended my sister’s 30th birthday, when I found out my oldest step-daughter’s recent ex-boyfriend had been invited to the part and she had not. I found this to be so wrong, so I blew-up on my sister and brother-in-law for betraying the family, as it is not the first time my BIL has done this to family. My husband already hates my BIL so I decided not to tell my husband in order to spare the family even more turmoil. After all, I had done my part and defended my husband’s daughter. Well, my husband found out about it and told me that withholding information from him was the same as lying to him. He then proceeded to tell me, once again, that this was the reason that he did not trust me and was unsure about the time that we were separated. He again told me that I chose to allow him to live in torture for the next fifty years, because I would not take a lie detector test. I DID NOT LIE! I thought I had done the right thing and did not want to make it even bigger than it already was. I was trying to keep as much peace in the family as possible. I truly believe my husband just tries to find any reason to relate something to the issue of needing a lie detector test.

I want a baby so badly, as I waited so long for my husband to do his part, I am 31 years old, and my mother began menopause at 37. I have had such trouble trying to have a baby and am afraid my time will pass me by. My biological clock is ticking. There is a part of me that does not care where our marriage is at, and just wants a baby of my own. I have raised his two daughters and have always wanted a child of my own. However, I am scared of being stuck with a child and back in the same situation I was less than two years ago. What do I do? I do love my husband. I look at him and see the beauty in his eyes and smile. He makes me laugh, as he is so intelligent and witty. How could he be so, so, so... I don't even know what to call it. He is doing something to me, but what exactly is he doing? What do you call it? When you can't pinpoint exactly what is happening or identify what it is that's going on, how do you know anything is going on at all? It is all so hazy. But whatever it is, it's real, and it hurts. I just want it to stop. Why can't my husband just be happy in love? What is wrong with him? If he is broken, can he be fixed? Can I be fixed?

On another forum within this site, many have urged me to leave the marriage immediately. How do you just get out immediately anyway? You are charged with abandoning your family, giving up and copping out. If I leave again, I will not be able to go back, as I have left too many times already. Reconcilation will not be an option. I would have to be ready to completely let go, and deal with my husband's harrassment after I leave. Just as he did when we were separated, he will follow me and send me nasty messages, claiming my youngest step-daughter said them. When we were separated he sent me text messages, signing my step-daugter's name, stating that I abused her and that she was calling the cops. This stuff can be harder to deal with than just staying in the relationship. My husband is very good at making you feel like a terrible person, even though you know your heart is good.


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## crisis1008

I hate how my husband is so good, at withholding love and affection, and not engaging in conversation with me. Even when I confront him with the pain it is causing me, he just says that he is not doing anything. He claims that he is not ignoring me, because he will actually provide me with a short answer when asked a question. He has told me several time that he cannot help the way that I feel. I am not stupid. You could cut the tensino with a knife.


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## crisis1008

Is there anyway, to make him see what he is doing? I want to make us right. I have even considered taking the lie detector test, but that only helps him. It would only cause more hurt, anger and resentment in me. I have done this once, and don't think I can put myself through it again. Is there another way to solve this problem?

Counseling has done nothing for us as a couple.


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## DelinquentGurl

Your husband is controlling and manipulating you. Why is he so nervous that you may have been with someone else? Is there a possibility that he was with someone and feels guilty so he's trying to put it on you?

When you decided to reconcile, did you do it slowly or just move back in? I would insist on some form of counseling.
Your husband sounds very insecure and is taking it out on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Papa Bear

I am in a similar situation. My ex and I started talking about reconciliation and she said she slept with no one in the last 2.5 years but I don't trust her.

I don't wanna even think about polygraph because it is humiliating but I am not going to take her word for it either and then have it bother me just like what is going on in your case.

So in other words IDK what to do.

Your husband should have thought of this before you guys got back together. IMO he loves you that's why he took you back otherwise he would ask for "proof" before you guys got back together.

It is a tough situation. Don't take this as advice but this is what I would probably do. If my ex wants me to take poligraph so badly and if we really love each other, I would ask her to take the test as well.


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## crisis1008

Papa Bear,

While I can appreciate your situation, I am not sure you know what it is like to go through a polygraph test. First of all, I do not believe in polygraph testing. While I have taken one in the past, and was honest, resulting in a pass, when I was a teenager my mother failed a polygraph for employment purposes. She came home in tears. The individual administering her test told her she was lying about her name and the state in which she lived, then called her a liar. Upon being told that she had lied, she defensively begged them to believe her and to test her again. The second test stated she was unreadable. I know my mother’s name. I know where my mother lives. She was not lying. Yet, the lie-detector test said she was. It is a pseudo-science. Why do you think polygraph tests are inadmissible in court. I only took one in the past because my husband gave me an ultimatum. I was to either take the test, or he was divorcing me. I was in extreme fear for the next three weeks, because I knew these tests are not accurate and could ultimately and erroneously state that I was lying. Just because the test stated I was being honest does not mean that these tests are accurate. It only means I had some form of luck that day. The next time I may not be so lucky.

In addition, the entire experience was extremely embarrassing, frightening and traumatic. I sat for two hours while a complete stranger asked me every intimate detail about my marriage, then another two hours while he asked me a myriad of questions as I was hooked up to coils and monitors. I cried through the entire ordeal and vowed to myself and my husband that I would never put myself through anything like this again. Your girlfriend will not be asked just a couple of questions and be on her way. She will be tortured.

I beg of you, do not p0ut her through this. Dig down deep in your soul. Deep in your gut. Then ask yourself if you really believe her or not. If you do not, just let her go. If you do, do not ever bring up the issue again. Whatever decision you make, stick to it.


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## Papa Bear

Crisis, I said I would never have her take a polygraph because it is humiliating. I never said I would ask her to do it.

Why they don't use this anymore? An example is your mother. Some people who are honest fail because they get anxious. Other people who are lying are able to beat it.

That is not a solution.

*I don't wanna even think about polygraph because it is humiliating but I am not going to take her word for it either and then have it bother me just like what is going on in your case.

So in other words IDK what to do.*

BTW, this is what I said, I am against polygraph tests.


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## crisis1008

Papa Bear,

I apologize if I jumped to conclusions regarding your intentions in your relationship. I guess I am so sensitive to this subject, because I am so hurt over going through it in the past and am facing the possibility of going through it again.

I guess you will have to ask yourself if it really matters if she was with anyone else during the 2.5 years you were apart. If she has been, what could she really do to change it? You would probably need to ask yourself if you can trust that she will be faithful when you are together. What matters to you?


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## crisis1008

So, as of last night my husband seems to be okay with me again. He is telling me that he loves me when we end our phone conversations, and does not appear to be irritated with me any longer. However, this happens all the time and I am certain this is not the end of this issue. I contemplate what I will say each time the issue comes up. I am so angry and hurt over this. What I really want to say to him is, in a very matter-of-fact and calm tone, "Let me choose my words very carefully. I am not putting up with this s**t anymore. You can take you lie-detector test and shove it straight up your a**, because I will never take one again so long as I live." But, I am too scared to do so. I do not know what the outcome will be.


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## rome2012

crisis1008 said:


> So, as of last night my husband seems to be okay with me again. He is telling me that he loves me when we end our phone conversations, and does not appear to be irritated with me any longer. However, this happens all the time and I am certain this is not the end of this issue. I contemplate what I will say each time the issue comes up. I am so angry and hurt over this. What I really want to say to him is, in a very matter-of-fact and calm tone, "Let me choose my words very carefully. I am not putting up with this s**t anymore. You can take you lie-detector test and shove it straight up your a**, because I will never take one again so long as I live." But, I am too scared to do so. I do not know what the outcome will be.


I wouldn't trust lie detector test anyway....

The pedophile ex-h of an acquaintance of mine passed such a test without problems...

polygraph - lie detector - The Skeptic's Dictionary - Skepdic.com

So what if you take the test, you are soooooo nervous that you fail it....are you automatically guilty....I think not  ....

That's BS.


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## crisis1008

Yes, I will be automatically guilty. If I were to fail the test, I don't know if my husband will leave me, resort back to his physically and/or verbally abusive tendencies, or what. If I fail and he does not throw me out, I will more than likely leave on my own. I could never live a life with him if he thinks I cheated, as I am certain some form of mistreatment will be bestowed upon me for the rest of my life. He will only hold it over my head.

If I pass, I will simply resent him further for making me go through this yet another time. I still have resentment toward him for making me do it the first time. I will probably have to leave him then too.

I guess I have this hope that he will not put me through this, or pressure me to do it without his telling me to do so. He is trying very hard to manipulate me into taking another test. 

While I am not an idiot, and do know that he is trying to guilt me into taking this test, he may just eventually wear me down as I am unable to deal with the pain that comes along with his saying that I am selfish and don't care about his feelings.

My girlfriend tells me that I am weak and unable to stand up for myself, as I sick myself. She tells me that I suffer from severe codependency. I know that I am codependent, as just about every thereapist has told me so. But why am I so codependent? Why am I so afraid to be without my husband? Why can I not stand up to him. Why can I not muster up the strength to be straight forward and blunt about my feelings. I want to tell him that I am not taking another lie detector test and tell him that he has a decision to make, but I cannot bring myself to say it. I am scared of how he will react. I am scared of his accusatory nature. I am scared of how red and green his eyes will become. I am scared of his sinister laugh when he is angry. I am scared of what he could do to me. I am scared he will divorce me as well, even though I know that if he does it will probably be the best thing for me in the long run.

My husband is very good at making people do things he wants them to do, even if they don't want to do it. He will convince them that it is their own idea to do so, even though it was not and they wree originally totally against it. I am afraid his tactics will eventually break me. He has a lot of control over me.

How do you not become codependent on someone when you have been with them for so long anyway? Aren't you supposed to lean on one another? Aren't you supposed to feel that you cannot continue on without the other? How do you maintain a level of independence when in a marriage. I don't have the privacy to do so. If he knows I am talking or have talked on the phone with friends or family, he will ask me every detail about the conversation. I cannot have a private conversation. I could never tell my husband that I wish to speak to my sister in private. I cannot be independent.


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## crisis1008

Oh, by the way, my husband dated at least four women that he has told me about during our separation. One woman, Kathy, was still calling him at midnight when I moved back home. The first night, and what was supposed to be the last night, we discussed what each of us had done during our separation, he asked me several questions and I really just asked if he had slept with anyone else. He told me about the four women, and about three dates with I don't remember who, then swore that he did not do anything with any of them. He swore that they just hung out and talked on the phone. He took one to the movies. He took one to dinner in town. And he took another to dinner in the Keys on the motorcycle. That was the only one that really bothered me, because it was my favorite thing to do with my husband, and he rarely took me when we were together. It was what we did for our very first date and we had been completely inseparable from there on. I guess I realized that dinner in the Keys on the bike is his m.o., and that our first date was really nothing special or out of the ordinary for him. It is his move, if you will. It hurt a little.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that when he told me what he had to tell me, I never asked again. I told myself not to let it bother me, as we had been separated and he was lost. I never held anything against him. I was just happy that he seemed to have changed in many ways and was looking forward to moving on and being happy with my husband.

He did not do the same.


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## crisis1008

My husband and I are currently in the honeymoon phase of our last cycle. Everything appears great. He even went so far as to call me and surprise me by telling me not to worry about my phone bill. He had paid it without being asked and without my knowing, as I was having technical difficulties rendering me unable to make my payment. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated it. He just jokingly followed my thank you with "I'm a sweet guy." 

I should be so happy right now, but having been through this cycle over and over again I know that it will only start over soon. Until then, I try to watch every word I say as I try to ensure that nothing triggers the beginning of the next cycle.

I want to be happy right now. He seems to be so sweet this morning. I just don't trust that it will last. I know it won't last.

I have been on this roller coaster so many times before. If the lie detector test is not the peak, something else will be. There has always been something I have done that shakes our happiness. I am either spending too much money, or I am too hard on his daughter, or something made him think about an ex-boyfriend of mine from 15 years ago, or my mom said something, or my sister said something, or my brother-in-law said something, or I asked to go to a concert (his 15-year-old daughter at the time was allowed to go to a concert, but I could not even go with my step-dad), and so on.

I know am speculating and assuming that this will start all over again, but give me some credit. I know my husband. He will find a reason to be mad at me again. If not for the lie-detector test, there will always be soemthing else. At this point, I am just trying very hard not to give him and further reasons to be mad at me.

I am and have always been very courteous to my husband. I cook him wonderful dinners, serve him dinner while he sits in his recliner watching tv, ask him if he is thirsty, ask him if he needs anything whenever I get up, do his laundry, never complain that the lawn has not been mowed in about three months, never complain that the pool has been a cest pool for the last three years, never complain that there is no storage for my little bit of belongings in our 1100 square foot garage, always support him when he wants to buy a new motorcycle or boat, etc. Why can't he be as nice to me, as I always am to him? 

I think he is self-destructive. I am not sure he can ever be happy.


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## flippymendoza

Oh lord... I could not know more intimately the type of relationship it sounds like you have. Mine was accusing me all of last year about screwing anything that walked. I was not even allowed to talk to the neighbor when the neighbor was over visiting him, because if I talked to him it must mean I wanted to screw him. Funny, because when I am with someone I am only with that person, not only through my body but also in my spirit and mind as well. Alas, he accused me of everything in the book, and it seemed like he liked threatening me and evoking fear - raising his hand like he was going to hit me, or pushing me. He controlled all the finances and would give me an allowance, or sometimes nothing at all for an entire week. I was pregnant with his child last year btw. All the while and even now sometimes he kept saying to me how me have to get a paternity test because you never know whose baby she could be. Please, there wasn't even a remote possibility she could have a different father. I finally realized at the end of the year, after he gave me my first black eye I've ever had, that everything he was doing to me was abuse. EVERYTHING. Even things I had no idea were abuse. I was harassed and questioned about phone calls to my MOTHER, for god's sakes. Well, after he blacked my eye, I moved in with my mother (where he didn't know where she lived). And then I didn't talk to him at all for the month of December. I took a lot of time for myself and for my kids, to think about everything that happened, and I knew in my heart that as deeply and blindly as I loved him, as much as it hurt to be alone, that my little girls could not see him doing those things to me. I ultimately left for them, not for me. Ask yourself, is this what you want to do for the rest of your life? Do you want to be badgered and harassed and scared and threatened FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Please take a moment and look at this website that is one of the ones I read over after me and my SO split up.
Domestic Violence - Cycle of Domestic Violence


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## flippymendoza

Here's a little snippet from the site, the whole thing made me cry because i realized he had been setting me up in order to abuse me the entire time. Please read:
The Full Cycle

Here is an example of the cycle of violence through all its phases.

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught."

He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless ***** I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again.

He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.


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## crisis1008

Okay, maybe I am wrong, but I am feeling the tension again. You see I did not spend my 30th birthday with my husband, as it came about directly after we separated. I was fresh away from him and filled with anger and hurt. I did not want to spend my 30th birthday with him. I wanted to be happy and unemotional that day. So, I went to the bar (where I bartended at night) with my girlfriends and had a few drinks, then before I made my way home I had coffee with one of the regular customers who happened to be there. My husband continually reminds me that he wanted to spend my 30th birthday with me and that I had coffee with another man on that day. All I did was have coffee with someone. I wanted to go to Starbucks for a treat before I went home and did not want to sit by myself. So, I invited the guy. It was a cup of coffee with a male aquaintance, nothing more.

Well, last night the episode of Mike & Molly that we watched on tv just happened to be about one of the female characters turning 30. I tried to ignore what would be significant according to my husband. I just continued to laugh at the puns and comical stunts provided by the show. He did not laugh at any of them. He loves that show and usually laughs at everything about it. The rest of the evening he appeared to be very quiet and did not engage in any conversation whatsoever.

This morning he seemed a bit quiet as well. That is, until he began talking about his job. Then, he had a lot to say, but did not stay onthe phone for very long.

I am waiting for a bomb to be dropped on me again. I think this will be his reason to bring up the issue of a polygragh test again. This will build the tension between us once again.

I am already depressed, and don't know just how much I can take this time. I spent my entire hour and a half drive home from work yesterday crying to my mother about how horrible I have been feeling lately. I can't seem to get pregnant, which kills me. Not that my husband is actually putting forth any effort in that area. I am going to have to go back to my doctor after three months of being on fertility drugs to discuss the reason for which I am not getting pregnant. The next stop is supposed to be a laparoscopy, but how can I do that? I need to be honest with my doctor about the fact that my husband and I have not had sex one time while I was ovulating. I tired very hard during the first two months to inform my husband of when I was ovulating. He just became mad at me both times, even though I tried to be as discreet and subtle as possible when talking to him. It will be embarrasing to tell the doctor what has happened this time, as I have had the same doctor for about six years and he is aware of the fact that my husband was hindering my ability to have children in the past. I went to this doctor this time thinking that my husband and I were on the same page now. I was so happy. Who'd of thought that I would wind up embarrased at the OBGYN for the fourth time? I don't know what to do. I am sad.

Am I reading into all of this?


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## crisis1008

Flippy,

I don't think my husband is trying to set me up for abuse. I really don't think he sees what he does? I want to be with my husband. That is all I have ever wanted. I am in tears right now. I love him so much. I know that he loves me. I just don't want to continue to be so unhappy. You have days, maybe even a couple of weeks, where life is bliss. You will feel so happy in love with him. Then, BOOM! Something you may have said or done so innocently, makes him snap.

Last night I realized that I was out of pepper while cooking dinner. My recipe called for pepper, and I was right in the middle of cooking and could not take my eye off of the stove. So, I asked my husband if he would borrow some from his father who lives in a trailer on the back portion of our property. My husband asked me what I needed pepper for. This annoyed me a little. I thought to myself "Why do I need to answer to you, when I am simply requesting a little pepper?" I curbed my tongue and just replied "I need it to cook dinner." He then asked again "But, what do you need it for?" I again thought to myself, "Da**it", why can't he just get me some pepper? I never ask him why he needs something when he asks me for it." I decided that I did not want to play 20/20, so I simply replied "Nevermind." He got really mad. He told me that there was no need for me to get my f***in’ t*tties in a twist and get an attitude. Was there attitude in my thoughts? Yes, there was, but I made certain that my word came out in a very nonchalant tone. I told him that I was not trying to be an a**, but that I simply did not feel like playing 20/20. I then proceeded to tell him that I did not appreciate the way he spoke to me. He just told me that I was being an a** and that he was not stupid. He then told me the reason that he was asking what I needed pepper for was because I had over-peppered his dinner the night before. Maybe I was too rash in my thinking. But, I just think he could have simply said to me “Honey, last night’s dinner had a bit too much pepper in it. Could you go easy on the pepper tonight?” Oh my God. If he would have approached me about the pepper in this manner, I would have been very open. I would have ensured him that I would go easy on the pepper, then explained exactly how much I was using and for what portion of the meal. Maybe, I am just sensitive and feel like I always have to report to him. Even still, was there any real reason to speak to me the way he did. I had done everything to curb my tongue even though I was very annoyed. It is called manners, and not wanting to escalate something so small into something so huge that would be sorely regretted. I don’t get it.

When I go to the store, I do not want to have to explain why I am going. It is obvious that I need to buy something and need to go. I feel I should be able to say “I’m going to the store and will be back soon.” Then give my husband a little goodbye kiss and walk out the door. Now, if you need me to pick something up for you, just ask, or call me on my cell phone. Don’t make me report everything on my list.

My husband argues this issue by saying that all people should tell their spouses what they are doing. He does not understand my stance though. I agree that husbands and wives should tell their spouses where they are going and how long they will be if they have a general idea. However, I don’t feel you should have to give an intended play-by-play, or an exact time you will return. For instance, most times when I visit or go somewhere with my mother, my husband will ask me when I will be home. I get scared to tell him a time, because many times he claims I am gone too long and am never home (not true. I am always home and rarely go anywhere). He tells me that he is not rushing me, but that he just wants to know what time I will be home and does not want me gone all day. I then feel pressured for time and tell him that I will be back in an hour or so, when I really want to spend more time with my mother. I try to rush my time with my mother, so I am back home on time, but she is not in the same rush and does not adhere to my schedule. Then, I will run late by a half hour or so. My husband will then claim that he had plans to take me to dinner and a movie, but it is now too late. He has done this on many occasions. It seems to be quite convenient. It makes me feel very bad. At times, I feel it is a form of abuse that he uses on me. I feel like he pretends that he was trying to spend time with me by taking me out on a date, when he really was not and just wanted me home. He will tell me that it is too late to go now, even if it is 5:00 p.m. on a Friday evening. If I tell him that I think he is doing this on purpose, then he gets mad at me for insinuating such behavior. Of course, I cannot prove it. I just come to my own conclusion, based on how convenient it is and how many times it has happened. Sometimes, I feel like he finds reasons to be mad at me when we have plans to go somewhere, just so that we will wind up not going because he has decided so out of being so upset by what I have done. At times, I will not even know what I have done, or it will be so miniscule that I am amazed that he will take it so far. We will then sit the rest of the evening not talking, with heavy tension hanging the air.

My husband wants me to read the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” because he read it and says that he now understands the differences between us, according to our genders. I told him that I would read this book. However, I don’t think he understands all of the differences. He certainly does not understand that many of the issues I have with him have nothing to do with gender at all. Rather, they have to do with the terrible ways he has treated me in the past and some present.

Am I wrong? Am I reading into everything? Has anyone out there read this book? If so, what did you think? Did it help your relationship?


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## crisis1008

My husband just called me and asked me what was wrong with me. I told him that I really wanted him to be happy with me. He then went on to tell me that I hold him to higher expectations than I hold myself. He tells me that I expect him to just be okay with the fact that I did something wrong or lied about something because I use the excuse that I am scared and promise that I am working on it, but that I would not have the same consideration for him if he was to call me a f*cking b*tch. He is right. I would not give him the same consideration. I do know that I would not tolerate verbal abuse or physical abuse ever again. Not even one time. It is too easy to see and pinpoint anymore. He tells me that at times he does not want to be affectionate with me because he is thinking about whether or not I cheated on him. He tells me that he has a right to feel the way he feels. He tells me that while I have the right to my opinion that I should never put mself through another lie-detector test, he also has the right to his opinion that I hold my own opinion as higher than the health of our marriage. I guess he would be right about that too. I feel like our marriage would not be healthy if I was put through this again. He tells me that my depressed tone makes him not want to call me. I sat on the phone and listened to his every word and did not interrupt one time. I just accepted what he had to say. I am depressed. I do feel like I am wearing down. I feel like I will soon give in to the lie-detector test, even though it may simply end my marriage because I will be unable to deal with the going through it again. I will probably resent him for putting me through this test again. I cannot guarantee that I will not leave him after the test. My body aches just thinking about it.

He will more than likely get his way. Maybe I should go back on anti-depressants to help me get through this. Although, I really don't ever notice any difference when I am on medication. The pain is still there, whether I pop a pill or not. I dunno. I am exhausted.


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## BigToe

You don't have mutual trust in your relationship and without that you will never have the relationship you desire.

I can tell you conclusively that lie detectors are not foolproof, meaning that even if you are telling the truth it can indicate that you are lying. Many years ago I attempted to join a large city police force and passing a polygraph test was part of the process. One of the questions I was asked was whether I had ever used cocaine or heroin. I have NEVER used any illegal drugs in my life and of course answered "no". At the end of the test the administrator asked me why I lied about not taking drugs. I said I did not lie and that I never had. He said the detector indicated I was not telling the truth and I was immediately released as a candidate for the job.

Lie detectors can not be used in most courts of law, and those that do allow it require a stipulation by the parties agreeing to use the results. No matter how many times a police officer or even polygraph expert says the devices work, the truth is that they are not 100% reliable. I know, I've been a victim of the device.

So what is your plan if you tell the truth about not having sex while separated but the device indicates you are being deceptive? Do you think that will make matters better than not taking the test? Do you expect to then just convince yourself that the machine is correct and you MUST have had sex during that time?

From a logical perspective then, it can be argued that there is no point in taking such a test. No matter what you respond, the device is not capable of ensuring 100% reliably that you are telling the truth. It can and does produce both false positives and false negatives. See USATODAY.com - Telling the truth about lie detectors

Your husband is demonstrating his ignorance by putting so much stock in the results of such a test, and subjecting you to humiliation and belittling by insisting upon it. He needs to grow up and start acting like an adult man instead of holding this issue over your head so he can control you. You both have choices here that seem pretty straight forward and shouldn't require you to continue suffering over it.

On your side of things, I think your only duty is to MAKE SURE you are telling the truth to your husband. If you did have sex while separated from him then just tell him and get it over with. He won't be able to handle it, but at least you can get on with your life. If you did not have sex while separated from him then you have told him the truth and have nothing more to prove. You should EXPECT that trust is a required trait from him. This is why NOT lying to your spouse and having good communication is SO important in a relationship. Why on Earth would you subject yourself to the kind of abuse your husband is levying upon you when you have told him the truth? You will NEVER have a healthy relationship, or a long one, if you cannot trust each other.

On your husband's side of things, the choice is pretty simple and you should put it to him thusly...I have told you the truth and I do not want to be part of a relationship in which my partner does not trust me. I will never, under any circumstances, subject myself to the humiliation of taking a test to prove myself to you and I will no longer allow your insecurities to control me. You may either accept my word as truth and demonstrate your respect for both myself as a person and our relationship as a couple or I will end our relationship as much as it will hurt me emotionally to do so.

By the way, was your husband abstinant while separated from you?? By his own logic he needs to subject himself to a polygraph test, right?

Frankly, your husband is a jerk, immature, and has serious emotional issues. Good luck.


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