# I’m new long story but I need some advice please



## KCW2013

Hi. I’m in a civil partnership. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years, married 7. She was just out of the priory when I met her, helped her on the right track. I had a good job. She always wanted children so I pushed her to get off her anti depressants and she did it, I was never very maternal but loved her so much I wanted a family with her. Second time IVF worked, I was over the moon and love my little boy so much. Although I did struggle at first, felt I was grieving my life I had so many friends and had lots of fun and after a year nearly separated, I think I was grieving my life of freedom. I took a back seat from my career, she’s very ambitious and I went part time, cooked, cleaned supported her when she had to go away. Things got better and we were happy but she wanted another baby so all the savings were used, She then wanted to move to nearer her mom For help which was only 45 minutes from my family and friends but felt so far, my mom had passed away, we had 2 miscarriages and a battle with selling our house Due to lease hold . I struggled being fat away from my family I was 35 and was always in a 3 mile radius, I had to take 6 months of with our new baby, who was very difficult and I didn’t know anybody it was so lonely. Anyway I feel like I’ve done everything I could for our family ,now she’s back where she has family and friends and an amazing job MD role and I am so proud but I don’t fit in anymore, she’s cold with me and eventually after feeling so dejected and low we had a few arguments where she said I was being paranoid but the next one she told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’m heartbroken and feel so used and my job is just casual doesn’t pay much, I wouldn’t get our children Now 2 & 5 She’s the birth mum but I feel so depressed and alone and used. We are going to counselling next week but I don’t know if I’m wasting my time , I really love her but it’s making me so Ill. Can we save this or am I wasting my time? Sorry it’s so long it’s the first time I’ve written this down, thank you.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Hi. I’m in a civil partnership. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years, married 7. She was just out of the priory when I met her, helped her on the right track. I had a good job. She always wanted children so I pushed her to get off her anti depressants and she did it, I was never very maternal but loved her so much I wanted a family with her. Second time IVF worked, I was over the moon and love my little boy so much. Although I did struggle at first, felt I was grieving my life I had so many friends and had lots of fun and after a year nearly separated, I think I was grieving my life of freedom. I took a back seat from my career, she’s very ambitious and I went part time, cooked, cleaned supported her when she had to go away. Things got better and we were happy but she wanted another baby so all the savings were used, She then wanted to move to nearer her mom For help which was only 45 minutes from my family and friends but felt so far, my mom had passed away, we had 2 miscarriages and a battle with selling our house Due to lease hold . I struggled being fat away from my family I was 35 and was always in a 3 mile radius, I had to take 6 months of with our new baby, who was very difficult and I didn’t know anybody it was so lonely. Anyway I feel like I’ve done everything I could for our family ,now she’s back where she has family and friends and an amazing job MD role and I am so proud but I don’t fit in anymore, she’s cold with me and eventually after feeling so dejected and low we had a few arguments where she said I was being paranoid but the next one she told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’m heartbroken and feel so used and my job is just casual doesn’t pay much, I wouldn’t get our children Now 2 & 5 She’s the birth mum but I feel so depressed and alone and used. We are going to counselling next week but I don’t know if I’m wasting my time , I really love her but it’s making me so Ill. Can we save this or am I wasting my time? Sorry it’s so long it’s the first time I’ve written this down, thank you.


This isn't a long post at all, so don't worry about that.

In short, yes, you can save your marriage. You both have to want that, and you both have to be ready to work on it. Going to therapy and trying your best is not a waste of time.

Do you know why she's so cold and feel unattracted to you? Resentment (I sense a lot coming from you)? Things like that. People can fall back in love, the attraction can come back, etc. So no, you're not doomed.

Is she back on her antidepressant now? If not, that could be playing a role. She probably never should have gone off them in the first place, and she certainly shouldn't have been pushed to do it. Too late now but most antidepressants are considered safe during pregnancy, and the benefits can certainly outweigh the risks.

Regarding custody, generally the mother doesn't get the children just because she grew and birthed them. You should consult a lawyer to see what you can expect. It may help ease some of these worries.


----------



## Girl_power

Yes you can save the marriage. She is trying that’s why she is going to therapy with you. You just need to get your Mojo back.


----------



## KCW2013

Thank you for your reply. She is happy now doesn’t need anti depressants in fact quite the opposite I probably do. I tried to go for counselling earlier in the year but that was put on hold. I don’t think I’ve been the same person since I lost my mum and sister within a year It’s 9 years ago now but I was so close to my mum and sister. I think we both have a lot of resentment towards other I just hope counselling can help but I just feel so Ill and she seems fine?


----------



## KCW2013

Girl_power said:


> Yes you can save the marriage. She is trying that’s why she is going to therapy with you. You just need to get your Mojo back.
> [/QUOTEAny


 How do you mean? Get my confidence back? She’s not very affectionate and I am, which I find hard. I’ve always tried so hard, cooked nice meals on a Friday, flowers, wine etc... I don’t really know what ever I can do.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Thank you for your reply. She is happy now doesn’t need anti depressants in fact quite the opposite I probably do. I tried to go for counselling earlier in the year but that was put on hold. I don’t think I’ve been the same person since I lost my mum and sister within a year It’s 9 years ago now but I was so close to my mum and sister. I think we both have a lot of resentment towards other I just hope counselling can help but I just feel so Ill and she seems fine?


If you think anti-depressants would help you then please, book an appointment with your doctor. Getting your mental health under control is a very important piece of all of this. You may also benefit from individual counseling, in addition to marriage counselling, so you can process the deaths of your mom and sister. 

My wife and I both have a metric **** ton of resentment towards each other, mine is worse than hers. It can get better if you work at it. It's hard and it sucks sometimes, but it's totally possible.


----------



## sokillme

Of course she is happy and has no worries, she has you doing whatever she wants and takes it for granted. Knights and Shining Armor get eaten. Unfortunately people thing sacrificing their whole being as love. It's not. You can love someone and still say, nope that is too much. Your actually better off, because if you do everything people get entitled. I think you need to tell her how unhappy you are.

Be honest in counseling. Your wife sounds entitled.

Get in shape, go get a good job, go makes some friends. Tell your wife to pitch in with the kids, you have sacrificed enough.


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> If you think anti-depressants would help you then please, book an appointment with your doctor. Getting your mental health under control is a very important piece of all of this. You may also benefit from individual counseling, in addition to marriage counselling, so you can process the deaths of your mom and sister.
> 
> My wife and I both have a metric **** ton of resentment towards each other, mine is worse than hers. It can get better if you work at it. It's hard and it sucks sometimes, but it's totally possible.


Thank you I did go to the doctors they suggested counselling but then it was put in hold because of Covid. I’m still waiting, I know it’s not just my wife that’s to blame and thank you for your advice it means a lot


sokillme said:


> Of course she is happy and has no worries, she has you doing whatever she wants and takes it for granted. Knights and Shining Armor get eaten. Unfortunately people thing sacrificing their whole being as love. It's not. You can love someone and still say, nope that is too much. Your actually better off, because if you do everything people get entitled. I think you need to tell her how unhappy you are.
> 
> Be honest in counseling. Your wife sounds entitled.
> 
> Get in shape, go get a good job, go makes some friends. Tell your wife to pitch in with the kids, you have sacrificed enough.


She knows how unhappy I am but I think she is in our relationship too. It feels so frosty and since she was honest with me I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Sometimes she’s ok and sometimes I feel like I’m not even there. Really hope counselling can help have you had any experience in counselling? Do you think it can work even if it feels like the end?


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Really hope counselling can help have you had any experience in counselling? Do you think it can work even if it feels like the end?


This wasn't directed towards me but... I've been in IC for almost two years and I've been doing MC with my wife (on and off) for a year and a half. Counseling can help even the ****tiest of marriages, if you allow it to. There is a good chance your marriage can come back from this. Marriage counseling has saved many marriages that were on the brink of divorce. Keep an open mind, try to have faith, be open and honest, and do the work. It won't be easy, but neither is divorce.


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> This wasn't directed towards me but... I've been in IC for almost two years and I've been doing MC with my wife (on and off) for a year and a half. Counseling can help even the ****tiest of marriages, if you allow it to. There is a good chance your marriage can come back from this. Marriage counseling has saved many marriages that were on the brink of divorce. Keep an open mind, try to have faith, be open and honest, and do the work. It won't be easy, but neither is divorce.


Thank you so much for this. I have just had a discussion, not an argument with my wife and asked her to be honest and she says she does want to try which is reassuring, she just doesn’t know if it’s possible to re-connect and find me attractive, she said it’s not my appearance it’s my confidence and negativity. I guess all I can do is work on myself and hope it works for us. It’s such a roller coaster I feel so Ill with it all. Really appreciate you sharing your positive story though so thanks for that 😊


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

KCW2013 said:


> Thank you so much for this. I have just had a discussion, not an argument with my wife and asked her to be honest and she says she does want to try which is reassuring, she just doesn’t know if it’s possible to re-connect and find me attractive, she said it’s not my appearance it’s my confidence and negativity. I guess all I can do is work on myself and hope it works for us. It’s such a roller coaster I feel so Ill with it all. Really appreciate you sharing your positive story though so thanks for that 😊


Feel ill but feel strong.

The reality is you don't have absolute control over whether you two will stay together and improve or she's gone and will split regardless.

So, be prepared for both.


----------



## KCW2013

I know, this is what I’m doing at the minute. I’ve asked work to put my on longer hours so I’ll be doing 4 days instead 3, just hoping it will be agreed. I’ve looked at houses and possibilities too. My salary is so small though, she’s on around £70k and mines is £20k pro- rata so plenty to stress about there too.


----------



## sokillme

KCW2013 said:


> Thank you I did go to the doctors they suggested counselling but then it was put in hold because of Covid. I’m still waiting, I know it’s not just my wife that’s to blame and thank you for your advice it means a lot
> 
> She knows how unhappy I am but I think she is in our relationship too. It feels so frosty and since she was honest with me I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Sometimes she’s ok and sometimes I feel like I’m not even there. Really hope counselling can help have you had any experience in counselling? Do you think it can work even if it feels like the end?


Check your phone bill.


----------



## KCW2013

sokillme said:


> Check your phone bill.


Pardon, sorry not sure what you mean?


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Pardon, sorry not sure what you mean?


He's saying to check her phone bill for a frequent outgoing/incoming number that shouldn't be there. In short, he's saying that she might be having an affair.


----------



## farsidejunky

KCW2013 said:


> Pardon, sorry not sure what you mean?


It is the easiest step to take to help rule in (or hopefully out) an affair.

There are some red flags, and due diligence is necessary. The reason this is so important is because the steps to take for marital problems will make an affair situation exponentially worse, and vice versa. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> He's saying to check her phone bill for a frequent outgoing/incoming number that shouldn't be there. In short, he's saying that she might be having an affair.


Ah ok. No I don’t think so regardless of our issues I know it would kill her to be unfaithful she’s not that type of person I’m pretty sure of that.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Ah ok. No I don’t think so regardless of our issues I know it would kill her to be unfaithful she’s not that type of person I’m pretty sure of that.


Yeah, I said my wife would never, ever be able to cheat either. Turns out I was very, very wrong. 

I'm not saying your wife is cheating, but just don't assume it could never happen.


----------



## KCW2013

I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I think it would hurt less if there was someone else rather than the fact she just doesn’t find me attractive/love me in that way anymore, I know that sounds silly. We’ve just had a chat and cuddle but I know she’ll be cold again tmw I’m just so confused and tired of it now.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I think it would hurt less if there was someone else rather than the fact she just doesn’t find me attractive/love me in that way anymore, I know that sounds silly. We’ve just had a chat and cuddle but I know she’ll be cold again tmw I’m just so confused and tired of it now.


It honestly isn't easier. You would still have a wife who doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you, _and_ another man is ****ing and defiling her - and you'd be driving yourself crazy. 

If your wife used to love you and be attracted to you, then she can be again. I know if hurts. Attraction is tied up in emotions, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how you look. Generally, if someone acts in a loving way the feelings (and attraction) will follow. Marriage counseling will be a big help there.


----------



## bobert

Also, remember that you can only control your side of the marriage. You can't control how your wife feels and she may very well go cold tomorrow, but that doesn't mean you have to as well. You can keep on acting in a positive way while waiting for her to "catch up".


----------



## sokillme

> He's saying to check her phone bill for a frequent outgoing/incoming number that shouldn't be there. In short, he's saying that she might be having an affair.


Yep, over and over wife's that are having affairs grow distant and get testy with their husbands. It's like clockwork. I am not trying to be cynical, it just fits a pattern. I really hope I am wrong but doesn't hurt to be vigilant. If she is all the Marriage Counselings in the world isn't going to work and is just wasting money.


----------



## KCW2013

Thank you so much for your help and advice it’s much appreciated. I hope you’re ok now.


----------



## KCW2013

So today my little girls nursery called someone in her group has tested positive. We have to isolate her for 14 days. Tomorrow was our first day together alone for 7 months for my wife’s birthday, shopping trip, nice meal and we’ve had to cancel. 😭 is someone trying to tell us something?


----------



## bobert

That does suck but you can still make it a nice day. Give your wife some alone time while you get your daughter to make her a birthday card and craft. You can write her a card as well. Order her some flowers for delivery. Cook her favorite dinner, and clean up afterwards. Alternatively, order in something of her choosing. Maybe have a movie night with the kids. After the kids are in bed do a bit of online shopping, run her a bath so she can relax, add some candles, bubble bath, bath bombs, whatever she's into, put her towel in the dryer so that it's hot when she gets out, give her a massage, etc.

The day isn't ruined unless you allow it to be, and you can always treat her later when you're off quarantine.


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> That does suck but you can still make it a nice day. Give your wife some alone time while you get your daughter to make her a birthday card and craft. You can write her a card as well. Order her some flowers for delivery. Cook her favorite dinner, and clean up afterwards. Alternatively, order in something of her choosing. Maybe have a movie night with the kids. After the kids are in bed do a bit of online shopping, run her a bath so she can relax, add some candles, bubble bath, bath bombs, whatever she's into, put her towel in the dryer so that it's hot when she gets out, give her a massage, etc.
> 
> The day isn't ruined unless you allow it to be, and you can always treat her later when you're off quarantine.


Aw you sound lovely. I would do this but I’ve tried it all already, she would rather spend the time with kids that’s half that battle. I don’t think she’d want a massage I’m lucky if I get a hug. But that sounds a perfect day and exactly what I would say was perfect and it is so what I would do if I felt like she wanted it. The more I speak out loud and write it down the more I feel I’m fighting a losing battle 😞


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

KCW2013 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I think it would hurt less if there was someone else rather than the fact she just doesn’t find me attractive/love me in that way anymore, I know that sounds silly. We’ve just had a chat and cuddle but I know she’ll be cold again tmw I’m just so confused and tired of it now.


It's pretty common with affairs for the cheating spouse to find new lust/limerence with their affair partner, and turn cold towards their spouse. They compare that raging new relationship energy hormone feeling with their affair partner to the fact that they no longer feel that for their spouse as the relationship has deepened, and assume it means they've fallen out of love with their spouse.

So one of the first things suggested around here when someone describes their spouse going cold is to rule out cheating before we get to other ideas. Because if your spouse is cheating, you have nothing to work with.


----------



## KCW2013

I honestly believe her when she says she isn’t cheating. She said she wants it to work but we need to be friends first and see how that goes and try counselling. She just doesn’t know if it will work. I suffer from anxiety so this is really sending me a bit crazy, I hate being out of control.


----------



## Laurentium

bobert said:


> Counseling can help even the ****tiest of marriages, *if you allow it to*.


This is the truth. It can help if you both allow it to. It sounds as if your wife is willing to try. At the moment, it would be online.

Ideally, you need a specialist marriage counsellor, not a generic counsellor who also does a few marriage cases. Ideally I'd recommend someone trained in "Emotionally focused marriage counselling", if there's one in your area. But I'm biased, because that's what I do for a living.



KCW2013 said:


> she said it’s not my appearance it’s my confidence and negativity.


Okay, that's vital information that she's given you.



KCW2013 said:


> I had so many friends and had lots of fun and after a year nearly separated, I think I was grieving my life of freedom.
> ...
> She then wanted to move to nearer her mom for help which was only 45 minutes from my family and friends but felt so far, my mom had passed away, .... I struggled being far away from my family I was 35 and was always in a 3 mile radius,


You maybe not have adjusted to parenthood yet. Who's in your family that you struggle being far away from?


----------



## bobert

Laurentium said:


> Ideally I'd recommend someone trained in "Emotionally focused marriage counselling"


I'm going to second that recommendation, @KCW2013. I noticed far more improvement when we switched to EFT. Definitely worth exploring that option.


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> Also, remember that you can only control your side of the marriage. You can't control how your wife feels and she may very well go cold tomorrow, but that doesn't mean you have to as well. You can keep on acting in a positive way while waiting for her to "catch up".


Sorry to re-open. I think I’m ready to give up. I feel so ill and I’m just waiting for someone to love me again it’s too hard, she’s got things far more important than me,2 children and a great job what she’s always wanted ,I think she only wants to try and make it work because she couldn’t bare to be without the kids every single day. She’s never been intimate with me, it’s been once a month for such a long time and honestly think that was just to get it out of the way. I really want to feel wanted, I’m jealous when I see partners close and look at each other like they love them so much. I will struggle financial but that’s not everything Is it? I just want to find somewhere my children can stay with me but my youngest who’s 2 only wants my partner at night and we live where her family are and not mine no support. I don’t know what to do, I honestly feel like I’m on the verge of giving up.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> Sorry to re-open. I think I’m ready to give up. I feel so ill and I’m just waiting for someone to love me again it’s too hard, she’s got things far more important than me,2 children and a great job what she’s always wanted ,I think she only wants to try and make it work because she couldn’t bare to be without the kids every single day. She’s never been intimate with me, it’s been once a month for such a long time and honestly think that was just to get it out of the way. I really want to feel wanted, I’m jealous when I see partners close and look at each other like they love them so much. I will struggle financial but that’s not everything Is it? I just want to find somewhere my children can stay with me but my youngest who’s 2 only wants my partner at night and we live where her family are and not mine no support. I don’t know what to do, I honestly feel like I’m on the verge of giving up.


When you feel like giving up, keep pushing through. 

You said your wife wants to do marriage counseling, so what is going on there? Have you found a therapist? Have you made an appointment? It would most likely be a video call, or at least have the option of using that method. 

Either way, it would be a good idea for you to get into individual counseling.


----------



## KCW2013

bobert said:


> When you feel like giving up, keep pushing through.
> 
> You said your wife wants to do marriage counseling, so what is going on there? Have you found a therapist? Have you made an appointment? It would most likely be a video call, or at least have the option of using that method.
> 
> Either way, it would be a good idea for you to get into individual counseling.


We have counselling booked on Thursday evening. We’ve found a lady that will do face to face which for me is better than the video. It’s so hard to be positive when it’s completely out of my hands.


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> We have counselling booked on Thursday evening. We’ve found a lady that will do face to face which for me is better than the video. It’s so hard to be positive when it’s completely out of my hands.


Remember it is not completely out of your hands. You make up 50% of this marriage. Your wife has told you that your negativity and confidence are affecting her attraction/desire. You can work on that and you in general! Be the man she wants you to be.


----------



## Tdbo

You need to work on yourself.
If she says that her big issue is a lack of confidence and negativity, go to war on that .
Explore some IC for you or utilize self help resources.
MC will be more beneficial for both of you if you can tackle what seems to be her biggest beef with you.


----------



## MattMatt

sokillme said:


> Yep, over and over wife's that are having affairs grow distant and get testy with their husbands. It's like clockwork. I am not trying to be cynical, it just fits a pattern. I really hope I am wrong but doesn't hurt to be vigilant. If she is all the Marriage Counselings in the world isn't going to work and is just wasting money.


Just to clear up any misunderstandings I think that I should point out that based on the type of marriage @KCW2013 and her wife have, that they are both women. Civil Partnerships are only for Same Sex partnerships in the UK.

@KCW2013 many people have been through what you are going through, we'll be here for you so please don't hesitate to reach out on TAM.


----------



## KCW2013

MattMatt said:


> Just to clear up any misunderstandings I think that I should point out that based on the type of marriage @KCW2013 and her wife have, that they are both women. Civil Partnerships are only for Same Sex partnerships in the UK.
> 
> @KCW2013 many people have been through what you are going through, we'll be here for you so please don't hesitate to reach out on TAM.


Thank you so much. Counselling in an hour, already feeling a bit drained and emotional. Fingers crossed, although I don’t expect much will come out of the first session?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Of course I don't know where you live but the courts look at what is in the best interest of the children. If the children are used to both of you as parents that I don't see why they wouldn't assign joint custody. You just need an attorney. 

No it is unlikely that she will regain her attraction for you. Get an attorney and get joint custody. Work out who gets to live where. Good luck


----------



## Nailhead

KCW2013 said:


> Thank you I did go to the doctors they suggested counselling but then it was put in hold because of Covid. I’m still waiting, I know it’s not just my wife that’s to blame and thank you for your advice it means a lot
> 
> She knows how unhappy I am but I think she is in our relationship too. It feels so frosty and since she was honest with me I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Sometimes she’s ok and sometimes I feel like I’m not even there. Really hope counselling can help have you had any experience in counselling? Do you think it can work even if it feels like the end?


Thaw the frost with a set of D papers. It appears you are simply the rough neck picking up after your W and kids. Nothing more.


----------



## MattMatt

KCW2013 said:


> Thank you so much. Counselling in an hour, already feeling a bit drained and emotional. Fingers crossed, although I don’t expect much will come out of the first session?


You are most welcome.  Please let us know how the first counselling session went.


----------



## KCW2013

So we’ve had 2 counselling sessions and I worse for it, is that normal? It seems the major issue is that we can’t go out without me getting drunk and she is anxious about me getting drunk, I’m not a nasty drinker I fact quite the opposite, I loved going out and having fun before the children so this is just me way of letting my hair down. The last time I did this was 14 months ago and we’ve had nights away, caravan trips with friends and I’ve not got drunk, the counsellor says she has a trust issue but I don’t know what I can do about that? I thought we were going because I had lost confidence and she didn’t find me attractive but there seems to be a lot more that I’ve tried anti depressants the last few days but I feel 100% worse! Is there any point carrying on counselling considering this is making me ill? Why should I wait around waiting to see if she can love me again? I’m feeling I’m at an angry stage and I don’t even want to be around me because she’s hurt me too much.


----------



## KCW2013

Any advice?


----------



## bobert

KCW2013 said:


> So we’ve had 2 counselling sessions and I worse for it, is that normal? It seems the major issue is that we can’t go out without me getting drunk and she is anxious about me getting drunk, I’m not a nasty drinker I fact quite the opposite, I loved going out and having fun before the children so this is just me way of letting my hair down. The last time I did this was 14 months ago and we’ve had nights away, caravan trips with friends and I’ve not got drunk, the counsellor says she has a trust issue but I don’t know what I can do about that? I thought we were going because I had lost confidence and she didn’t find me attractive but there seems to be a lot more that I’ve tried anti depressants the last few days but I feel 100% worse! Is there any point carrying on counselling considering this is making me ill? Why should I wait around waiting to see if she can love me again? I’m feeling I’m at an angry stage and I don’t even want to be around me because she’s hurt me too much.


There are many different options for antidepressants, and not every option works for everyone, but you have to stick it out (within reason). Have you talked to the prescribing doctor?

As for the counseling being hard... Yeah, it is. You'd think "Hey! This was supposed to make me feel better!" but that isn't always the case. Especially when your partner starts saying everything they hate about you and brings up all these problems you didn't know existed. It also gets really hard when you have to start doing the work. Counseling is hard but you have to stick it out to reap the benefits. Have you started individual counseling? It would be a good idea for you, and it needs to be a separate therapist. 

So, you said a major issue is that you can't go out without getting wasted. But you haven't done that in 14 months, so... Regardless, earning her trust back takes time and consistency. What exactly are the trust issues? 

As for why you should wait around, that's something only you can answer. What are your reasons for wanting to keep your family intact? Keep in mind, problems like this are not fixed overnight. It seems like your partner wants to fix things as well, if they are going to counseling with you and participating. It is worth putting in the time and effort to try and fix it. It won't be easy, but it can be well worth it. And if it doesn't work out, well, at least you know you tried. You don't want to look back in 5, 10, 15 years and wonder "what if I had tried harder". 

Don't focus on "what if I do all this work and it doesn't work out/pay off?". Focus on "what if it does?".


----------



## KCW2013

Thank you for your reply. That’s really helped. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks. I think I’ll leave the anti depressants for now and continue with running and eating well. I have received a letter from counselling so I just need to call them and arrange an appointment. My wife is also going to go to counselling she was abused as a child and in her early 20s went in the priory for several months, the only reason she got better is because her dad passed away and she said he came to visit her, this helped her get better. She was a mess the first 3 years we were together but I wanted to stand by her and help make her better regardless of how hard it was at times. I think the trust issues stem from this. I guess I just need to toughen up and think more positively and like you said stop thinking ‘what if’ all the time. Thanks for your advice again!


----------



## MattMatt

Paroxatine is very helpful. It's what I'm on at the moment.

Also at one time the only alcohol free beer was the dreadful Barbican. However, the choice of alcohol free beers including craft ales is pretty amazing, now.




__





Alcohol Free Beers | Non Alcoholic Beer | Wise Bartender


View Wise Bartenders vast alcohol free beer collection here. Our non alcoholic beers includes lagers, ales, stouts, pilsner, wheat beers and craft beers.




wisebartender.co.uk





Perceiver with the counselling. Sometimes it makes people feel worse before it makes them feel better.


----------



## Laurentium

I did reply once before, but I'm not sure if you saw it. 



KCW2013 said:


> So we’ve had 2 counselling sessions and I worse for it, is that normal? It seems the major issue is that we can’t go out without me getting drunk and she is anxious about me getting drunk, I’m not a nasty drinker I fact quite the opposite,


Yes, things can worse before they get better. Try and figure out why you getting drunk would make her anxious. I can think of several _possible_ reasons but I don't know the answer. 



> the counsellor says she has a trust issue but I don’t know what I can do about that?


If your partner agrees that trust is an issue, then try as hard as you can to get her to talk more about it. 



> I thought we were going because I had lost confidence and she didn’t find me attractive but there seems to be a lot more


There is always a lot more than one thing.



> that I’ve tried anti depressants the last few days but I feel 100% worse! Is there any point carrying on counselling considering this is making me ill?


I'm a bit confused by that. Is it the tablets that you think are making you feel worse, or the counselling?



> Why should I wait around waiting to see if she can love me again? I’m feeling I’m at an angry stage and I don’t even want to be around me because she’s hurt me too much.


I think you should talk in the counselling about what she's done that hurts you. 



KCW2013 said:


> My wife is also going to go to counselling she was abused as a child and in her early 20s went in the priory for several months, the only reason she got better is because her dad passed away and she said he came to visit her, this helped her get better.


This is a huge piece of information. 



> She was a mess the first 3 years we were together but I wanted to stand by her and help make her better regardless of how hard it was at times. I think the trust issues stem from this.


Again, I am slightly confused -- how do the trust issues come from the fact that you helped her?


----------



## KCW2013

Laurentium said:


> I did reply once before, but I'm not sure if you saw it.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, things can worse before they get better. Try and figure out why you getting drunk would make her anxious. I can think of several _possible_ reasons but I don't know the answer.
> 
> 
> If your partner agrees that trust is an issue, then try as hard as you can to get her to talk more about it.
> 
> 
> There is always a lot more than one thing.
> 
> 
> I'm a bit confused by that. Is it the tablets that you think are making you feel worse, or the counselling?
> 
> 
> I think you should talk in the counselling about what she's done that hurts you.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a huge piece of information.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I am slightly confused -- how do the trust issues come from the fact that you helped her?


Hi Matthew .
Sorry I’m not sure how to screen shot like you have I’ll try and answer as I go along.
She says I embarrass her as I’m always the drunkest and she doesn’t enjoy going out with me anymore because if she lets her guard down it gives me the green light. She has told me this a couple of times and I thought it was ok, I’ve got much better the last time I did this was 14 months ago. I don’t know how to make it better though as we can’t go out at the minute so I can prove to her I won’t the counsellor said she has a trust issue because of her past as she was sexually abused as a child by a member of her family.

I just feel she doesn’t need me anymore and even though she says she wants it to work I can’t see her trying very hard,am I just being inpatient, we’ve only had 2 sessions maybe I’m expecting a miraculous improvement? I just feel she’s withdrawn and I don’t know what to do to be honest? I can feel myself withdrawing because I’m so scared of losing family but if I do that I’m sure there will be no way back. Do I just need toughen up and give it time?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

As long as you aren't the one perpetually having to suffer from her childhood abuse, on and on.

The abuse is horrible, etc, but for a spouse to forever having to hear that's the excuse for all problems, that isn't right either.


----------



## KCW2013

Yes I know what you’re saying. Apparently we’ve had ups and downs since the children were born and didn’t embrace it, I struggled with young babies and she resents me for that too apparently, she felt she had to look after me instead of just enjoying it, she says I’ve lost my confidence but I think she may have had a hand in that too? I adore my children and would do anything to have my family back. I just find it so hard because things have changed so much since she admitted she wasn’t in love with me anymore that I’m finding it so hard to live in. Neither of us want to be apart from our children for any amount of time. I feel I’m the one who will lose out massively on this, she is the birth mum and the bread winner I took a back seat and only work part time now I’ve worked for the same company for 16 years and love it but there are no full time roles and I don’t feel I’d have the confidence now to find a new job nor do I think it will be easy whilst in this pandemic. Basically if this doesn’t work for me I’ll lose everything I’m just trying to figure out if my desperation is pushing her further away, how do I play this cool? I would go out with friends etc but it’s not possible at the minute. Sorry to waffle on! I’m struggling at the minute so I think I’m spiralling!


----------

