# He doesn't trust me... now what?



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Earlier this week my husband wrote that he didn't trust me. He went on to clarify that it wasn't me, but that he couldn't trust anyone, especially me. I don't know what to make of this when that statement was made in conjunction with him sharing that he had unresolved issues from his first marriage and that he didn't trust that I was on a spiritual journey that would result in lasting faith.

It was like I was delivered a double whammy in that email and all the emotions I had about the separation were intensified. I am feeling hurt, angry, afraid, and overwhelmed. But I'm just trying to get it. I wonder how deep all of this runs in him, how much work he has to do, and if not trusting anyone is the normal response anyone would have given his first marriage (he was cheated on) and the fact that my beliefs did change during our marriage?


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

That would certainly be some troubling news to receive.

Have you been untrustworthy? If not, then you have to accept and realize that this is his personal problem to deal with. You can't MAKE anyone trust you or prove that you are trustworthy if you are and they don't believe you.


----------



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

It has been really troubling. And I do believe that I have my own trust issues, as well. 

What I believe is that we all try to do our best to be trustful, respectful individuals who demonstrate integrity more often than not. I am doing a lot of work on me right now in that regard. 

After much introspection (thank you for your question and the quick response would have been "of course, I am trustworthy" but it really did require a thoughtful response), I do believe my husband can trust me to be real to him and open with him. At this stage, that is what is needed. I'm ready to totally open up because I don't feel like I need to put on an act anymore. I know he reads here from time to time, but I don't feel the need to censor my feelings for fear he'll interpret things one way or the other. I trust that he can handle what it is that I have to say about how I feel about what happened and how I feel about where we now are. And I will have to trust that he will hear what I am saying.

I feel as though I'm in a place where I've finally accepted the reality. And the reality is that there is at least an 80% chance this separation will end in divorce. So, I feel as though it's time for a dose of "realness" with where we're at in the present. 

I think he is afraid that once he opens himself up, that he'll be hurt again. But I figure he just wants to be him, and not have to do any work on things like trust and respect. I'm convinced that he thinks that his relationship and communication skills are fine, and that he just needs to sort through some painful emotions. 

What happened in the marriage is that my husband was still resolving feelings from the first marriage. So I felt that and that fed into my trust issue. But then add the other layer of the wandering eye. If I'd ask him about it when it happened with me standing right there and he'd deny it. Before he left three months ago, he shared that he actually had made eye contact with a woman but told me he didn't. The eye contact isn't a huge big thing compared to the fact he felt he couldn't share with me that he had been looking because that fed into my trust issues. And that validated that somehow we were missing part of our emotional connection. 

He didn't feel safe sharing that while he was attracted to me for x, y, and z that he was attracted to women 10 years younger in tight jeans. Maybe he knew I had been hurt a lot in the past. And maybe he was aware that he had jumped in quickly with me, and was still back then exploring the new options. Add to this that I am 4 years older than he is. There are insecurities around that when you are reaching that "no longer fertile" stage and your spouse could be with someone else who hasn't yet turned 30. So I guess there was a lot there on that front. Maybe that had something to do with why I ran so much. I don't care how old you are: if you run marathons, you're in great shape and look great. He told me before we left that he thought I looked really good. Maybe he was trying to reassure me that this was never the issue. I'd like to believe this is the case, yet I have this image of the kind of younger blond woman (I'm a brunette) he'll be with not so long from now.

Bigger trust issues are likely having to do with him not trusting that it wouldn't work out if we tried again, not trusting that I'd be okay with whatever new lifestyle he wanted, not trusting that I'd have a lasting faith, not trusting that I wouldn't get tired of the marriage, not trusting him to take the lead because we'd be on his turf, not trusting that I could let him be in the driver's seat. But I do believe he feels vulnerable right now and that it's hard to trust anyone when you know you are going through stuff. I feel the same way.

I'm doing a lot of thinking on how he and I could have done a lot more work on learning how to make a strong marriage. Oddly, I find myself wondering if the new foundation for the marriage can't be this weird awful time of separation we're going through. What doesn't break you, makes you stronger. At the same time, I went through this before. After my first divorce, I spent a year trying to reconcile with my husband. It was the same attitude then: all of this would make us stronger together and I could change me to fit what we needed to make things work. In the end, I realized I had been trying to be someone I wasn't. And now, I believe my husband wants me to just be me and I want that for him, too. So I guess we're miles ahead of my previous marriage in that regard.


----------



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

maplesky said:


> At this stage, that is what is needed. I'm ready to totally open up because I don't feel like I need to put on an act anymore. I know he reads here from time to time, but I don't feel the need to censor my feelings for fear he'll interpret things one way or the other. I trust that he can handle what it is that I have to say about how I feel about what happened and how I feel about where we now are. And I will have to trust that he will hear what I am saying.


I just re-read this and I'd like to expand on this a bit as it is likely very key here. I think I was equally afraid of speaking the entire truth in the marriage. Sometimes we don't share about little habits, for example. Let's say someone has an unconscious habit of tapping feet or fingers that over time is annoying... these are things I never shared fully about. But I really don't think these are the kinds of things we should necessarily share with people as they are what makes them "them" and very human. 

At the same time, I was equally responsible for not sharing about things that were likely more important to our emotional connection. And likely for the same reasons he felt for not sharing these things with me. One of these things is that I noticed that as I ran more, I was more confident with my body image, to the point I no longer thought about how I looked. I took pride in being healthy and that was very positive. At the same time, I believe I started to question why he didn't take more care about his health. Maybe this is common when one person becomes a lot more physically active than the other. 

The last thing I would like to share is about fear. I have all these feelings of fear coming back these days. In my first marriage, things were very rocky from the start. I went home after three months, then went back. That lasted a total of two years, then I went home again. In there, I was afraid to express myself. So in my second marriage, maybe I was really vocal about stuff at times. But the thing is: I don't think I was necessarily vocal about the right stuff. And I don't think my communication style was right, either. 

So I'm feeling these feelings of fear come back, but I'm at the stage now where I am already mourning a deep loss for what was, the marriage we had, the future we wanted. I'm in deep mourning. But with that comes a sense of liberation because there is only truth to be said and felt. I don't have to worry that in saying things the wrong way or saying the wrong thing, we'll take a step backwards. 

What I hope in the end of all of this is that he will at least know that I was real and open and honest. And not trying to do so in a way that is spiteful and mean. That means a lot to me right now. And closure does, too. I'd like for both of us to really get what happened, so that we can process, and take time to do the good inner work we both need to do.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

maplesky,

That is very insightful of you and I think you are on the right path. He may or may not do the inner work he needs to do, but you will do it for yourself. If they two of you come back together, you'll be a step ahead, and if you don't, you'll be in a healthier place to begin a new relationship.

Allow yourself that time to mourn, but then do something wonderful and nurturing for yourself. You've done some deep soul searching, realized what you were doing right, and what you could've done better. Many people never reach that stage, preferring instead to blame all on their partner. I think that's an awesome job.

Please keep us up to date with how you are doing!


----------



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Allow yourself that time to mourn, but then do something wonderful and nurturing for yourself. You've done some deep soul searching, realized what you were doing right, and what you could've done better. Many people never reach that stage, preferring instead to blame all on their partner. I think that's an awesome job.


Thank you... first for listening and second for your words of encouragement. I just started bawling when I read what you wrote. There's a long, long way to go still and I'm not doing well at all with the blame department today. I'm feeling the anger set it. I haven't felt this angry in a long time, in fact. But my counselor told me to allow myself to sit with the feelings when they arise and do self care when I can. 

I got some bath salts today, and I've decided to stop medicating with food. And I'm seeing a physiotherapist for my running injury (not being able to run made things really tough since it was my natural therapy of choice). And I've fixed up each room in the apartment a little differently so that the memories don't run as deep. And work is going a lot better. My cats are happy and my patio has pretty flowers. Slowly, really slowly, life is coming back. But I still feel lost most of the time. And I've been escaping by watching Dexter. I watched the entire first two seasons last week and I'm on season three this weekend. But I am able to read, so that is great. And I'm thinking of going to church in the morning. And that would be a huge step. 

Thank you a lot for listening!


----------

