# Random Question (for married men) especially....



## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Hello,
I am new to this forum but have found it to be extremely informative as to issues dealing with relationships, etc. Without going into a lot of details, at present, I would like to direct this question to the married men on this forum. Why would a husband continue to advocate medication for his spouse, or anyone for that matter & not attempt, nor comprehend, the various dynamics involved, which may contribute to her not being so not "happy go lucky, etc.? Wouldn't one want to understand & be receptive to the "why's" & so on....which may reflect in the relationship & interaction, etc., especially given the past year? I welcome female input as well.....thank you!


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Laziness -- a magic pill is a much easier way to mask over a problem than to do the actual work of getting to root causes and dealing with them.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Honestly it’s because men are simple. I’m not interested in all the how’s, why’s, ifs, what if’s, and all that other junk and it’s complex intanglment and effects on my relationship. If as a woman you aren’t willing to tell me directly what you want and how you fell then I absolutely have no desire to try and figure out for you that which you won’t verbally announce on your own (unless we are in the middle of [email protected])


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You are your own best advocate and know best how a medication affects you, as this is something that directly affects you; it's indirect or _seemingly_ inconsequential for him. If you have concerns, you need to state them clearly. Now, if my wife were unable to do the research needed to understand the complex drug interactions, etc., I'd do it for her and be her advocate - but only if really necessary. I might rely on the doctor to inform me - and I would ask questions (we go with each other to appointments where we may need help understanding, remembering, or advocating for each other).


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What are "the various dynamics involved" in taking a medication? Are you saying that you're taking a mediation with side effects that negatively impact your husband? Your post may not have enough information to provide you with a meaningful answer.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

From my perspective: perhaps the issues the wife is dealing with and the behaviors they manifest are hurtful to the husband to a degree that the wife doesn't comprehend. Perhaps the husband hopes that the wife will be easier to live with, more loving, less angry and volatile, more considerate, and the household they share will be less stressful. Perhaps the husband sees the wife's lack of willingness to take the medication as an indication she doesn't value her relationship with him. All of these are speculative for your situation, of course, but they fit with my own reality.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

doella1965 said:


> Hello,
> I am new to this forum but have found it to be extremely informative as to issues dealing with relationships, etc. Without going into a lot of details, at present, I would like to direct this question to the married men on this forum. Why would a husband continue to advocate medication for his spouse, or anyone for that matter & not attempt, nor comprehend, the various dynamics involved, which may contribute to her not being so not "happy go lucky, etc.? Wouldn't one want to understand & be receptive to the "why's" & so on....which may reflect in the relationship & interaction, etc., especially given the past year? I welcome female input as well.....thank you!


Honestly the only reason I can think of is, from his perspective the alternative is worse in some way. If it's medication for you, you should be open to the possibility that your perception might not be the most objective.

Most men are bottom line type people, which is a good thing, you should see that side of your husband as a kind of check, meaning you don't have to agree but he my have a perception of the situation that you just don't see and can be useful information that you can use in your decision making process. I know my wife is that for me, often in the opposite way. The point is not to be right but to make the correct decision. You have a better life that way, it is also a good way to build a marriage. I would look at his advice in this way, does he generally give you good practical advice? If so maybe he is doing so here too.

I might bring this all up with your doctor, including his concerns, even if you decide to go forward, I might talk to my doctor about paying close attention to those concerns and being willing to act on them if they turn out to be true. Finally after you do that you can sell your husband on the idea in the context of your at least addressing his concern.

A good thing to always remember is, you are not always the most objective a narrator of your own life. That's normal, that is why you need assertive honest friends whose eyes you can look through, if you get my meaning.

Seriously it takes humbling yourself but let go the idea that you always know what's best and really use all the information you can to make the best decision. You will have a greater amount of success.

A little secret is, no one cares if you were the one with the best perception of the situation, they only care about the outcome.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Not sure I fully understand the question without more context. Maybe, as some of the "sisterhood" here say, I am a simple being.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

We really need more context OP. Sorry.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I would much prefer a non-medicated spouse if at all possible. But sometimes it isn’t. The main issue with meds, from personal experience with my wife, is that you can’t tell what’s personality and what’s caused by the meds. If there’s an underlying cause, an experience or childhood issue that’s at the root of things, I’d rather see that addressed first, meds if that’s not successful.

But not sure if that’s what you’re looking for?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

doella1965 said:


> Why would a husband continue to advocate medication for his spouse, or anyone for that matter & not attempt, nor comprehend, the various dynamics involved, which may contribute to her not being so not "happy go lucky, etc.? Wouldn't one want to understand & be receptive to the "why's" & so on....which may reflect in the relationship & interaction, etc., especially given the past year?


I can infer what you are saying, but my response can merely be speculative. Could you give concrete examples of what is going on in this situation? 

For all I know, the medication is for bipolar disorder or paranoid schizophrenia. OTOH it could be for mild depression or anxiety. Without that type of information, and some solid background, I can't respond. BTW, I'm a woman.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Need to know more about it. If my wife has medical issues she doesn’t want to treat and it’s affecting our marriage then I have an opinion.

If she’s up in the middle of the night in pain I’m either taking her to the emergency room or staying up watching her. She can pick one or the other but if it turns south I’m taking her in.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Medication issues are between a doctor and patient. After all, there are many years of study invested and there’s a good reason why doctor usually knows best - they did the hard yards to be able to prescribe them. 

Now if a spouse believes they know more than a doctor, and genuinely care for their spouse (above themselves, because after all they have the benefit of great health and don’t need medication), they should come along to appointments and Discuss these concerns in front of their partner. 

Isn’t that the mature and responsible way to do things?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d probably advocate for trying to get her off any medication that deals with mood/depression and try to find a natural remedy.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What kind of medication are you talking about?


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> You are your own best advocate and know best how a medication affects you, as this is something that directly affects you; it's indirect or _seemingly_ inconsequential for him. If you have concerns, you need to state them clearly. Now, if my wife were unable to do the research needed to understand the complex drug interactions, etc., I'd do it for her and be her advocate - but only if really necessary. I might rely on the doctor to inform me - and I would ask questions (we go with each other to appointments where we may need help understanding, remembering, or advocating for each other).


Thank you for your response !


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Need to know more about it. If my wife has medical issues she doesn’t want to treat and it’s affecting our marriage then I have an opinion.
> 
> If she’s up in the middle of the night in pain I’m either taking her to the emergency room or staying up watching her. She can pick one or the other but if it turns south I’m taking her in.


Understand your position.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Discussion Starter · #17 · a moment ago



> ccpowerslave said:
> Need to know more about it. If my wife has medical issues she doesn’t want to treat and it’s affecting our marriage then I have an opinion.
> 
> If she’s up in the middle of the night in pain I’m either taking her to the emergency room or staying up watching her. She can pick one or the other but if it turns south I’m taking her in.


Understand your position.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

doella1965 said:


> Hello,
> I am new to this forum but have found it to be extremely informative as to issues dealing with relationships, etc. Without going into a lot of details, at present, I would like to direct this question to the married men on this forum. Why would a husband continue to advocate medication for his spouse, or anyone for that matter & not attempt, nor comprehend, the various dynamics involved, which may contribute to her not being so not "happy go lucky, etc.? Wouldn't one want to understand & be receptive to the "why's" & so on....which may reflect in the relationship & interaction, etc., especially given the past year? I welcome female input as well.....thank you!


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

I really appreciate the responses from everyone. Further, I will be more than transparent with why I posed the question if there are those that are really interested & care. Ours is a complex dynamic & it would really take alot of writing to truly address why I asked the question. Perhaps if I detailed the reason why it would help another. I will share that we have been married 16y, a blended family of what was once 7, now 6, because my husband's 20y old son took his life in 2014. We also have a daughter, mine, who is 37y of age who is disabled and resides with us. There is really so much involved. His background growing up is Ozzie & Harriett, mine not so much. I have been in counseling on / off for a couple of years & diagnosed with situational depression. I have been on meds but I do not need medicinal means to obtain the optimal happiness that we all achieve to acquire. I have been a full-time caregiver to my daughter since I was 17y of age. Many molestations occurred in my childhood, in addition to an eating disorder, years ago, although never really goes away, which most, not all, men fail to realize is a control thing. Our marriage has been extremely difficult due to the blended family dynamic, a not so good relationship with his ex-wife, his parents residing with us & the obvious death of my stepson. We married in 2015, as a christian couple & were involved with many ministries in church. Church can be anywhere you make it. 
To make a long story short....in the past year, my husband is now a devout athiest, in addition to other life changing events. He is an extremely intelligent man...a go getter, however, self absorbed. His children are all athiest, however, this has caused a great division in our family with regard to my youngest daughter, who is 33, and adored him, although, now she wants no longer to have anything to do with him. I could go on....I am a simple woman who just craves peace & my life has been turned upside down in the midst of the events of the past year....My husband is a good man but has changed in many ways. And he believes that I need to be on meds! I do not think it is appropriate for a spouse to advocate medication when he is the one that probably needs the meds. I cannot accept responsibility for everything that is not so right with our relationship & the world for that matter. Thanks for the input...


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

doella1965 said:


> Understand your position.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

U sound like a really good guy!


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Laziness -- a magic pill is a much easier way to mask over a problem than to do the actual work of getting to root causes and dealing with them.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

You are so WISE! Thank you. Perhaps the person proposing the "med" mask is a majority of the underlying problem.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> What kind of medication are you talking about?


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Ummm....Prozac.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Medication issues are between a doctor and patient. After all, there are many years of study invested and there’s a good reason why doctor usually knows best - they did the hard yards to be able to prescribe them.
> 
> Now if a spouse believes they know more than a doctor, and genuinely care for their spouse (above themselves, because after all they have the benefit of great health and don’t need medication), they should come along to appointments and Discuss these concerns in front of their partner.
> 
> Isn’t that the mature and responsible way to do things?


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

My doctor knows me well...a spouse is welcomed if they do not want to diagnose the other partner.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> I’d probably advocate for trying to get her off any medication that deals with mood/depression and try to find a natural remedy.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Totally agree!!!


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> You are your own best advocate and know best how a medication affects you, as this is something that directly affects you; it's indirect or _seemingly_ inconsequential for him. If you have concerns, you need to state them clearly. Now, if my wife were unable to do the research needed to understand the complex drug interactions, etc., I'd do it for her and be her advocate - but only if really necessary. I might rely on the doctor to inform me - and I would ask questions (we go with each other to appointments where we may need help understanding, remembering, or advocating for each other).


Thank you so very much for your comment.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So everyone is telling everyone else how to live their life, what to believe, what not to believe, etc. If your husband wants to be an atheist, that's his right. If you want to or don't want to take meds, that's your right.

Any chance you could get the family together to respectfully air their grievances and learn to accept that everyone has free agency over their life decisions?


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So everyone is telling everyone else how to live their life, what to believe, what not to believe, etc. If your husband wants to be an atheist, that's his right. If you want to or don't want to take meds, that's your right.
> 
> Any chance you could get the family together to respectfully air their grievances and learn to accept that everyone has free agency over their life decisions?


That would be an awesome dream!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@doella1965 - Do you think there is any way your could facilitate a respectful conversation? For example, you mentioned your youngest daughter "adored" her father before he decided to become an atheist. Isn't that a rather unloving response? Wouldn't it be better to facilitate healing by trying to accept him as he currently is? Why do you feel your daughter is being so intolerant? Why would she cut someone out of her life she loved?

I think you just need to tell your husband if he feels you are in need of meds, he should go along with you to visit the prescribing physician to vent his concerns. Frankly, whether he is concerned or not, it's not your place to pacify him or acquiesce to his demands/expectations. Have you told him to get out of your business?

ETA: Wishing, hoping, or dreaming that family members will start to treat one another with respect isn't going to happen. Concrete action is needed. Since you posted here, I'd suggest it start with you. Will anyone go to counseling? Or are they all to stuck in the I'm-right-you're-wrong stance?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> @doella1965 - For example, you mentioned your youngest daughter "adored" her father before he decided to become an atheist. Isn't that a rather unloving response?


Indeed, not very 'christian' either.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> @doella1965 - Do you think there is any way your could facilitate a respectful conversation? For example, you mentioned your youngest daughter "adored" her father before he decided to become an atheist. Isn't that a rather unloving response? Wouldn't it be better to facilitate healing by trying to accept him as he currently is? Why do you feel your daughter is being so intolerant? Why would she cut someone out of her life she loved?
> 
> I think you just need to tell your husband if he feels you are in need of meds, he should go along with you to visit the prescribing physician to vent his concerns. Frankly, whether he is concerned or not, it's not your place to pacify him or acquiesce to his demands/expectations. Have you told him to get out of your business?
> 
> ETA: Wishing, hoping, or dreaming that family members will start to treat one another with respect isn't going to happen. Concrete action is needed. Since you posted here, I'd suggest it start with you. Will anyone go to counseling? Or are they all to stuck in the I'm-right-you're-wrong stance?


I really appreciate & respect your response. I am always the peacemaker in the family, however, at some point others have to be responsible for their feelings, etc....I share your ETA! Pretty much, everyone thinks that they are right! As far as my daughter is concerned ...I have reminded her of all of the awesomeness qualities & love that her stepdad (pops) has for her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I am going to answer your question with another question. I'll first make the assumption that the medication was prescribed by a doctor to a patient. 

If you go to a doctor for care, why would you refuse it? Does your husband not allow you to go for a second opinion? If he does not allow for that then there is a problem. Do you not want a second opinion nor to follow your doctor's advice? If that is the case your husband is caring for you by encouraging you to follow your doctor's instructions.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Indeed, not very 'christian' either.





badsanta said:


> I am going to answer your question with another question. I'll first make the assumption that the medication was prescribed by a doctor to a patient.
> 
> If you go to a doctor for care, why would you refuse it? Does your husband not allow you to go for a second opinion? If he does not allow for that then there is a problem. Do you not want a second opinion nor to follow your doctor's advice? If that is the case your husband is caring for you by encouraging you to follow your doctor's instructions.


Thanks for your response....my doctor , nor my counselor, has not recommended that I be on medication.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

doella1965 said:


> As far as my daughter is concerned ...I have reminded her of all of the awesomeness qualities & love that her stepdad (pops) has for her.


So what reason does she give for her change of heart towards him?


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So what reason does she give for her change of heart towards him?


Living a lie, in addition to the the way that he has spoken to me, etc., for years. Its really complex.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, complex or not, if you are being abused by your husband, you should seriously consider making changes. What those changes can and should be, only you can say. I was abused in both of my marriages. They were also alcoholics, which didn't help matters. I left. Sometimes we just have to pull the plug when things get toxic.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

doella1965 said:


> Hello,
> I am new to this forum but have found it to be extremely informative as to issues dealing with relationships, etc. Without going into a lot of details, at present, I would like to direct this question to the married men on this forum. Why would a husband continue to advocate medication for his spouse, or anyone for that matter & not attempt, nor comprehend, the various dynamics involved, which may contribute to her not being so not "happy go lucky, etc.? *Wouldn't one want to understand & be receptive to the "why's" & so on....which may reflect in the relationship & interaction, etc., especially given the past year?* I welcome female input as well.....thank you!


Maybe. Depends on if you are having a temporary struggle that you need support with, or if you’re being a long-term difficult, unpleasant person and making excuses rather than taking responsibility for getting better.

if it’s the former, yes I’d want to understand and support. If the latter, not so much.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe. Depends on if you are having a temporary struggle that you need support with, or if you’re being a long-term difficult, unpleasant person and making excuses rather than taking responsibility for getting better.
> 
> if it’s the former, yes I’d want to understand and support. If the latter, not so much.


Thanks for your input....I am not an unpleasant person so it is the latter.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Well, complex or not, if you are being abused by your husband, you should seriously consider making changes. What those changes can and should be, only you can say. I was abused in both of my marriages. They were also alcoholics, which didn't help matters. I left. Sometimes we just have to pull the plug when things get toxic.


Once again, I thank you !


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Well, complex or not, if you are being abused by your husband, you should seriously consider making changes. What those changes can and should be, only you can say. I was abused in both of my marriages. They were also alcoholics, which didn't help matters. I left. Sometimes we just have to pull the plug when things get toxic.


Abused in what way? Verbal, physical or emotional? Many have differing views when it comes to abuse in a relationship. In my experience, working with many who have had MH issues, men & women view an abusive relationship quite differently, i.e., whether it is a relationship with a spouse, significant other, children, etc., I would be interested in truly knowing how, both, men and women on this forum interpret an "abusive" relationship and welcome the input.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

doella1965 said:


> Living a lie, in addition to the *the way that he has spoken to me*, etc., for years.


I assumed, from ^^this^^ that your husband has spoken to you frequently with disrespect and likely in an abusive manner. I don't necessarily think we need to debate what abuse is or parse words here. Controlling, manipulating, passive-aggressive head games, blaming, etc. are all forms of emotional abuse. I think physical abuse is pretty obvious.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

So there are difficulties in your relationship and family, which you feel are due in large part to your husband's attitude and treatment of you, and it is affecting your mood, to the point of depression. You would like him to improve his attitude and treat you better. He would like you on medication so you no longer care how badly he treats you. Have I interpreted this correctly?


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## K.F (May 16, 2021)

I decided to read one more thread I read this and it touched my heart I will be praying for your family tonight along with my own.
My husband and I have been fighting all day off and on and its exhausting and it hurts to go through these struggles.
Keep your faith and keep doing your best everyday, I learned somethings here today and Hopefully we all can help one another through these adversaries.💕


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