# How to bring it up??



## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

if you suspect affair going on, in your own house, and possibly in your own bed, how do you bring it up with SO? no concrete proof but red flags everywhere.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Searching4Peace said:


> if you suspect affair going on, in your own house, and possibly in your own bed, how do you bring it up with SO? no concrete proof but red flags everywhere.


You get voice activated recorders and secretly place them in the home, car etc... Then you collect them and listen.
You also can snoop on emails, phone, facebook.
Do not confront, the SO will just lie and take it further underground. When you confront, you need hard evidence so the WS cannot lie or twist the information.

What are the red flags?


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> You get voice activated recorders and secretly place them in the home, car etc... Then you collect them and listen.
> You also can snoop on emails, phone, facebook.
> Do not confront, the SO will just lie and take it further underground. When you confront, you need hard evidence so the WS cannot lie or twist the information.
> 
> What are the red flags?


change of behavior mainly. other littl things also


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

why do you suspect it in your home ?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The gut is really a truth detector. VARs placed where they can't be found or seen.

Get hard proof first before you confront.


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> why do you suspect it in your home ?


things out place. bed smells different at times. gut screaming right now.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

do not confront to early.
you need more proof first.
VARs maybe a hidden video.

You might want a trusted friend to listen.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Your gut is usually right on but I would not confront with what you have given us so far. 

Check phone logs for calls to someone you do not know, larger number of calls, texts messages have increased

place a VAR in the bedroom and in the car, 

Do you have access to her facebook, emails? Check them and ad a keylogger to your computer

So changes, has she been hanging on to her cell phone for dear life, taking it to the bathroom, texting increase? Sex more or less? Girls nights out?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Searching4Peace said:


> things out place. bed smells different at times. gut screaming right now.


I'm sorry to say it but if you put a VAR in the bedroom and your gut is right - you'll get concrete proof. Problem is that kind of proof may be traumatizing.


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

mahike said:


> Your gut is usually right on but I would not confront with what you have given us so far.
> 
> Check phone logs for calls to someone you do not know, larger number of calls, texts messages have increased
> 
> ...


cell phone glued to hand everywhere! sex increase.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You need to know. Look for weightlifters threads on what to do.

It will keep you focused. When your gut is screaming and your hands are trembling. All you want is for it to stop. It's dreadful.

Using a pen style VAR might work. Heck if its going on in your home in your bed (that to me screams unrepentant blatant scummy cheater). It sound gross but using a UV light (like the kind that finds pet stains) that would show other bodily fluid stains on your bed.

Pay more attention to his clothes (shirts) look for the smell of perfume, make up smudges, even stray hairs that are too long to be his. Check his car out.

Stay calm keep reading here don't let him know you suspect a thing. You need solid evidence before you confront. Do you have any idea who she is? 

Sorry you are here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hopefully you are wrong. But be be prepared for being right. 

Then comes the hard work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

All points are valid. 
You ned to start reading weightlifters "guide". Its very informative. 
Consider also cover YOUR tracks. Looking at websites that WS has used leave a trail that youve been there. Use a key logger that is COVERT and allows you to see and no one else.
DO NOT discuss this with anyone. Not even you best friend. There are to many ays for things to slip out and friends told are likely to tell they partners if even in a anonymous manner.

Evidenced gathered should be well hidden and COPIES. Originals such as emails printed out, cell bills etc can be noted as disappering.

If you use a cell to take picture evidence - transfer the data off the cell and clear trails. 

It seems somewhat outlandish, but cheats will go dark if they even sniff discovery. 

But, as stated. be prepared for your gut to be proven right. THat is especially important when using VARs. Its really an issue when you hear the cheat act with the other party.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Searching4Peace said:


> cell phone glued to hand everywhere! sex increase.


So check the cell phone bill are they texting more is WS calling the same number when you walk out the door in the morning. 

Hanging on to the phone and even sleeping with it is a big red flag. Most of the time sex drops off with the BS but sometimes it can go the other way and increases. WS may be have an online text A and you could be getting the sex benefit because they are turned on and not getting it.

You need to do more checking


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What will you do if you are right? You should consider that now. What might you be able to handle, what is a deal breaker? Do you have kids?

Do not confront without solid evidence, you don't want to tip off your spouse that they need to work harder to hide it.

Never, ever reveal your sources of information, which could include Voice Activated Recorders, spyware on her phone, keylogger/screenshot on the computer, look for a paper trail in your accounts phone/text logs.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do not confront. Do not ask your spouse if there is anything going on. Statistically the chances of getting an honest answer about cheating is nearly zero.

They make all kinds of hidden cameras. Nanny cams can be hidden in stuffed animals for example. They make clock radios which have a hidden motion activated camera. 

Voice activated recorders come in all varieties. One hidden in the car is a good tactic, because cheaters think they have privacy in the car. The member here named Weightlifter has some very specific advice, so search on his username.

Definitely review all the phone records and banking records going back at least a year or more. You're looking for a change in habits such as text messaging suddenly increasing dramatically. Also you're looking for a large volume of calls or texts to the same number. Pay for a lookup service to check all the numbers, as the free lookups are useless. Look at the credit card bills for possible gifts or for charges in places which don't seem right (hotels, restaurants) or for charges in towns which don't make sense.

Put a keylogger on the computer. You'll capture all the activity and thus you'll discover any secret email accounts and any chat activity.

Search the car carefully for any secret phones. Look in all the little compartments including the spare tire and the jack in the trunk. Look for anything odd like candy wrappers, cigarettes, drink bottles, condom wrappers, clothing, etc which don't make sense.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong, so you should investigate.

If you do find something, do not confront you spouse right away. Bring it here and get some experienced opinions. The worst thing you can do is confront too early with insufficient data. The second worst thing you can do is make an unfounded accusation.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

I know a lot of guys on here might disagree, but my biggest mistake was trying to reconcile. If I could do it over again I would have ended it the first time I caught her.

If I had the courage of course. It takes a lot to do it, but it really was worth it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Give her the rope she needs to hang herself on

Tell her you are going away with a buddy for some reason that she would believe some out of town game or hunting or whatever is believable. 

Find a place to stay and follow her try to use a different car a Buddy’s or a rental.

Give her a good lead time to make hook up plans

Even ask her permission “Honey do you mind if (insert BS plan)

Cheaper than a PI and you should have your answer first hand.

If you feel that she doesn’t buy it just cancel

Keep an eye on her clothing plans

Fvck me shoes ....boots ... tight skirts something unusual

any indicators of out of the ordinary behavior.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

You're getting some good advise here, listen to it. One very important thing to remember is to get concrete proof BEFORE you say anything. If you say anything with out proof the affair will go deeper underground and it will be harder to get the proof.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree get a VAR installed quickly. You can also buy motion activated cameras that look like other devices- clock radios, etc.

Be prepared.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

DoveEnigma13 said:


> I know a lot of guys on here might disagree, but my biggest mistake was trying to reconcile. If I could do it over again I would have ended it the first time I caught her.
> 
> If I had the courage of course. It takes a lot to do it, but it really was worth it.


I know when I first came on TAM it was pretty well split as to pro-R or pro-D. I don't see much of a change. For some that try R they find it too difficult or find out the A never ended or their spouse just isn't doing their part. There are certainly other reasons R does not work out. 

Many of us are like you Dove, we would like a do over. I think if I had kill the XOM in Nov. 2011 like I wanted to do, most of my problems would have been solved. I should have gone Iraq war machine on his arse. I may have won in court for justifiable homicide. JK But a do over would be nice all around.


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