# My husband loves the other woman



## HopeForBetterEnding (Feb 13, 2017)

I am broken right now. I can’t believe something like this can happen to me. I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2 year with 1 kid just over 1 year old. I caught him on Jan 7 this year. We are just 27.

He had an EA with a single women who is 6 year older than him and way too less attractive than me. She is his co-worker. He started had feelings to her about 6 months ago, but right after that we luckily moved to the US due to our studying. We come from Asian, that said, they can’t meet each other. After 3 weeks in contact via phones and texts. They tried to end it and have been no contact for about 4 months. However, due to the relocation, my hands are full of childcare and studying at the same time, and he was extremely mean to me (I guess it was the withdrawal symdroms but I didn’t know). We fight a lot but we still laugh a lot. Until mid December, 2016, he contacted her again because he missed her so much and he know he love her (that’s what’s he said but, of course, I don’t know at that time) and we fight frequently during that time due to his unbearable behaviors. December 15, 2016, our grandfather passed away and he immediately went back to our country alone where he spent all his free time with her. He came back to US after 10 days and declared he was no longer in love with me and he had no other. I caught him on phone with her on early Jan. Under my pressure, he chose to stay with me and our kid, because of his responsibility. He hopes I will live with him without “love”, just to conduct our responsibility. Luckily his affair is still an EA, maybe somewhat PA with hugs and kisses.

After D-Day, I wrote to the OW and she promised to end her relationship with my husband. My husband tried to contact her 2 or 3 times later but his phone, his emails, etc. were blocked. He said sometimes he missed her so much so he couldn’t control his actions, but he wants to stay and he’ll end it. He was extremely mean to me during 1 month after the D-Day, now he acts more reasonably but still very cold to me. I feel devastated inside and don’t know what to do anymore. We talk very little to each other although we nearly stay all day together, at home and at school.

Another thing is we haven’t had sex since I got pregnant, nearly 2 years now. The sex before my pregnancy wasn’t good, we only had sex several times after our wedding and then I got pregnant. We tried to have sex again during his first “no contact” (when I don’t know about his affair) but we didn’t feel good (I think because he was under his depression phase and he confirmed that time he was stressed) and now I don’t know how to start having sex again. 

I feel extremely stuck. He stays with me, “nice” to me but nothing more. He said he feel guilt and now he don’t know what he feels, he even doesn’t love himself. On D-Day, he was sure that he loves her and he even think about divorce , now he still pretty sure he love her but when I insist on filing a divorce, because I don’t want to be in a marriage without love and a lot of betrayal, he keep refusing my wish for divorce. I don’t know what’s happening now. What should I do to get him back? (nice to hime or live separated from him). Normally how long for him to get out of his fog and regain his feeling for me?

----------------
Sorry if my writing is not good. I'm foreigner and I am working on my writing. Please be patient with me.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Your marriage is a sham. If you want a better life, move on and divorce him. It's really simple. Just that first step is the hardest part.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a divorce lawyer to at least explore your options.


----------



## HopeForBetterEnding (Feb 13, 2017)

GuyInColorado: I know it's terrible now. But I don't think it's a sham before his affair. Could you explain for me why you think like this? Thanks!

MattMatt: I still want to save my marriage. At least, I don't want to give up before I try.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HopeForBetterEnding said:


> GuyInColorado: I know it's terrible now. But I don't think it's a sham before his affair. Could you explain for me why you think like this? Thanks!
> 
> MattMatt: I still want to save my marriage. At least, I don't want to give up before I try.


That is why you see a divorce lawyer now so you know what you can do legally. 

That way you can't be blindsided.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You two are very young and you haven't had sex in 2 years! What are you doing with this roommate you happen to share a child with? That is why GIC called your marriage a sham. It sadly is a sham. 

Why do you want to stay with a man that cheated on you? Is this part of your culture to allow a man to decide how you are going to live with him for the rest of your life? The love will not come back more than likely. Cut your losses and leave him. Find a real man that can truly love you and not cheat on you. It doesn't have to be right now. Take you time and stop hoping for something that will probably not happen. Are you willing to live with a man that will be your roommate for the rest of your marriage?

I'm sorry that this is harsh, but you are living in denial about your marriage.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

"Attractiveness" is misplaced reasoning when relationships break down... comparisons are created from hurt and take away from our focus of learning what stones really lie in our path.

Are there any complications with you separating from your husband in the country you are currently in with visas or binding agreements?

If not, then it's time to help your husband be aware to the reality that he does not have as much of the control as he thinks. You are not stuck... you cannot go backwards in the relationship and you cannot stay where you are, only one direction to go as you shared that cannot be in a marriage without love and a lot of betrayal.

Can you trust him to not betray you again?

That is a question you need your heart and your mind aligned with... love yourself enough to not be at the end of his indecision, is self mindful and sure you want him back?

Remember, you cannot make him do anything and that things we cannot control are teaching us to let go...


----------



## HopeForBetterEnding (Feb 13, 2017)

@MattMatt: Thanks for your advice. I'll see a lawyer soon!

@Bibi1031: I understand what you said but 2 years without sex is not purposely. During my pregnancy, I had health problem so we couldn't have sex and after that I was exhausted due to childcare. When we had time, he was in his affair's withdrawal. I know a marriage without sex will make my H feel dissatisfied and disconnected, but somehow he always think one of his responsibility is not requiring sex from me when the time is not appropriate. 

The reason I want to stay is that I love him. Besides, he said he want to stay in our marriage so he ended his EA, but he hasn't got out of the fog. I think we need time but currently I feel lost and don't know what to do.

@Emerging Buddhist: Thanks for your reply. My husband totally understand that I can have my choice. He said he want sometime to work our marriage out. After that, if we can't save our marriage, he'll let me go. I love myself enough to get out of a marriage without love. However, before that, I want to try to save it. I don't want to have any regret, maybe for myself and maybe for my daughter.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that he will not go along with a divorce so you have not pursued it. You do not need his agreement for a divorce. The way it works is that you file for divorce and have him served. Your lawyer will take care of this. If you want a divorce, just do it.

You say that your sex life has not been good, that you only had sex a few times after you married and then you got pregnant. How many months were you married before you got pregnant. How far into your pregnancy did your complications start? How often did you have sex with your husband before you started to have complications from the pregnancy?


----------



## 1111volcano (May 25, 2016)

I'd say it's time to leave. You can't change him and sounds like he no longer loves you. Time for a divorce weather he likes it or not. Im srry good luck out there.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I will write these words for someone whose first language is not English.

Men, normally, marry women for all of their life. Sometimes divorce happens.

Men normally marry women because they love them. They love to hold their wife in their arms. They hold them in their arms during the day. And in their arms when both bodies are naked.

When a husband lays down with their wife and she is naked, he will always try to make love to her. He cannot help himself. He loves her. Most men show their wife love by making love.

A good husband is always protective of his wife. He wants to keep her safe. He wants to protect her from other men. He wants her for himself.

He wants her to be happy. A husband knows if a wife is happy, she will make him happy. She will gladly give him the sex that he wants so badly. 

Some young men do not know these things that I have written. No one has taught them. If they come from a family or village where the women are treated badly, he may think that this behavior towards women and towards wives are normal.

Your husband is not normal.

Someone needs to teach him about marriage, marriage responsibilities, and being a good husband and father.

Someone needs to teach him how to make love to a very good wife. 

If he will not learn. If he can not learn, then you need to find a better man.

Good Luck, God Bless.


----------

