# Marriage advice



## Melsi (Aug 31, 2020)

My husband and I have been together for 32 years I have noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems a bit off with me such as he can be quite abrupt when he talks to me constantly on his phone always checking it my biggest concern is that we have always had a what I thought was a pretty good sex life but not anymore when I try to initiate sex he's not interested we have gone from once or twice a week to about every 2 or 3 months and even when we do have sex its different I feel like he sees it as a chore there are other things like he can leave the house and not bother to say bye and hates being questioned on his where abouts I have tried to talk to him on a few occasions about my concerns but he just says its all in my imagination. Any advice please


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could he be having an affair?


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## Melsi (Aug 31, 2020)

I have asked him if there is someone else and he has said no there isn't but if course it always in the back of my mind and he's not going to admit it anyway.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you asked why the change of behavior? Looked at his phone? Does he have any ED issues?


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## Melsi (Aug 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> Have you asked why the change of behavior? Looked at his phone? Does he have any ED issues?


I have asked him and he says he hasn't changed and I'm imagining things no ED issues I have looked at his phone haven't seen anything so unsure as to what us going on I have asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he is not attracted to mre anymore and he assures me that he is just getting rejected in the bedroom has knocked my confidence a bit and because of his rejection I don't bother initiating intimacy anymore.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Melsi said:


> I have asked him and he says he hasn't changed and I'm imagining things


So he's either gaslighting or just oblivious. I'm guessing it's the former.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Melsi said:


> I have asked him if there is someone else and he has said no there isn't but if course it always in the back of my mind and he's not going to admit it anyway.


It’s a complete waste of time to straight out ask someone if they are cheating. They lie, every time, and now you have tipped them off that you think something is wrong, so they’re going to be even more secretive going forward. You said you looked in his phone, what exactly did you look at? Because I have a feeling all of the answers are right there in the phone. You have to check texts, Facebook messages, Instagram messages, Snapchat, kik, WhatsApp, Google hangouts, email. He’s showing all the signs and the smart thing for you to do is to keep your mouth shut and go into stealth mode and investigate. Hire a PI to follow him if you can afford it. Don’t confront about anything until you have the facts. 

His behavior stinks and you need to find out why. 


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Melsi said:


> I have asked him and he says he hasn't changed and I'm imagining things no ED issues I have looked at his phone haven't seen anything so unsure as to what us going on I have asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he is not attracted to mre anymore and he assures me that he is just getting rejected in the bedroom has knocked my confidence a bit and because of his rejection I don't bother initiating intimacy anymore.


Google the Ted Talk “The sex starved marriage.” Watch it first alone, then with him. See if it is something you each can relate to. Soon as you said “rejection” this came to mind.

It’s just 15 minutes long but could change everything.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look up the term DARVO and see if that applies to him. 

You can’t ask someone if they are involved with someone else. They will simply say no and then cover their tracks better and go deeper under ground.

You have to investigate without tipping your hand to what you are doing. 

Hire a PI if you need to.


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## Melsi (Aug 31, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> It’s a complete waste of time to straight out ask someone if they are cheating. They lie, every time, and now you have tipped them off that you think something is wrong, so they’re going to be even more secretive going forward. You said you looked in his phone, what exactly did you look at? Because I have a feeling all of the answers are right there in the phone. You have to check texts, Facebook messages, Instagram messages, Snapchat, kik, WhatsApp, Google hangouts, email. He’s showing all the signs and the smart thing for you to do is to keep your mouth shut and go into stealth mode and investigate. Hire a PI to follow him if you can afford it. Don’t confront about anything until you have the facts.
> 
> His behavior stinks and you need to find out why.
> 
> ...


I have checked messages phone calls and whatsapp also messenger he doesn't have Instagram or snapchat oh I am investigating believe me I am just acting Ike everything is OK we don't discuss the situation anymore he acts like we don't have a problem but clearly we do and if he us cheating he will stuff up sometime cheaters always do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Melsi said:


> I have checked messages phone calls and whatsapp also messenger he doesn't have Instagram or snapchat oh I am investigating believe me I am just acting Ike everything is OK we don't discuss the situation anymore he acts like we don't have a problem but clearly we do and if he us cheating he will stuff up sometime cheaters always do.


Phone calls, txts, messenger etc can all be deleted and some apps will self delete after a certain amount of time. 

You will need to go through the phone carrier to get a report on the activity on his phone. 

A lot of people here have found hundreds of txts a day and nude pictures and hours of phone conversations a day when they went through the phone carrier.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Always on his phone, stopped having sex with you and going out without telling you where does point to the fact that he is up to something, especially as its all happened in the last 6 months. Can you get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car, say under one seat? Or if possible hire a PI? Does he still work?
Apart from anything else, going out without telling you where is just plain rude.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Always on his phone, stopped having sex with you and going out without telling you where does point to the fact that he is up to something...


If you want really to cheat, how can you be so stupid? It really baffles me... the stupidity.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Melsi said:


> I have asked him and he says he hasn't changed and I'm imagining things no ED issues I have looked at his phone haven't seen anything so unsure as to what us going on I have asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he is not attracted to mre anymore and he assures me that he is just getting rejected in the bedroom has knocked my confidence a bit and because of his rejection I don't bother initiating intimacy anymore.


It is quite possible the rejection in the bedroom(perceived or real)has resulted in his effort to not try anymore. What precipitated the total shutdown of affection from your H? It appears your H is conducting a sort of 180(detaching) from you. He perhaps is also being passive aggressive in the sense that your H is attempting to make you feel as he does with rejection in the bedroom. Acting completely indifferent. If so, it appears to be working. You are questioning.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

double post


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At his age, testosterone might be an issue.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

turnera said:


> At his age, testosterone might be an issue.


Low T makes you perfectly happy to just hang out and do nuth’n. 

It doesn’t make you hide what you are doing on your phone all the time or leave the house without saying where you are going or gaslighting people into thinking they are just imagining it.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

You didn't say how old he was, so I'll assume early to mid 50's since you've been married for a while. First things that popped in my mind was 1) affair, 2) depression, 3) Low T/ED issues.

Like someone else said, people never admit to an affair. But since you've been with him 32 years, trust your instinct. If he's lying, you can probably tell. Has he started exercising or dressing better lately? That's usually the first sign. Also going out and not telling you where he is going is concerning. Married couples should hide nothing. So I would really question him on this...push the issue since if he is having an affair, he could bring home a nice STD for you.

50's is also prime time for mental and physical issues to pop up. Depression can kill your self drive and you never know it. Happened to me. See if he will go to his doc for a check up. Docs are good at diagnosing depression and there are so many meds avail. Also blood work can check T levels. 

But to be honest, it sounds like he's hiding something. Just keep you eyes open, continue to snoop when you can. It may take you threatening to leave to get him to open up.


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

Melsi,
It is hard to tell what might be going on. The thing is if you feel like he is treating you differently and he does not, it may be time for a good heartfelt conversation. 
You have been together 32 years. You both have developed your ways of dealing with each other which are probably pretty entrenched. 
Do not let your imagination or the other people on here get the best of you. What I invite you to try is to not stress over it. 

Stressing will only make things worse. 

What you might want to do is make sure that he knows that your concerns and feelings are important. This should be done in the context of love.
I do not know the dynamics of your relationship and maybe he is not used to conversing about these types of things. 

So if he is having issues that in some way are causing his new behavior pattern then he may be reluctant to discuss them or does not really want to recognize them on a conscious level.

The best I can offer with such little information is to love him. Love does not mean rolling over, it means doing what you think is the best way to help him.

When we come from a true place of service often we get the best results. The fear you might have is only because there is an unknown. And that is ok.
When we learn to welcome the unknown as the catalyst of all growth, then we can move forward doing the best we can and let go of the fear. 

Everything is always changing. We seldom see the incremental changes. 

People on here have proposed a number of scenarios -- "he is having an affair", "he is hiding something", "he is depressed", "he has ED". 
All, some or none might be true. But if you can come at this with love you most likely will be better off.
But worrying about any of them will not help at all.

I invite you to watch Brene Brown's Ted Talk on Vulnerability. And maybe see if he would watch it with you. 

Great Journeys.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ScottL said:


> *Do not let your imagination or the other people on here get the best of you. What I invite you to try is to not stress over it. *


Wow...17 whole posts to your name at this date and you're already telling someone not to let our advice "get" to her. I'm betting you're not as new as your account would have us believe.

*



The best I can offer with such little information is to love him.

Click to expand...

*This sounds like something out of a 1950's marriage primer. The only thing it's missing is the part where she lays down on the floor when he comes in at night so he can wipe his feet on her back. Ugh.

OP, your best bet is to take the advice to start doing some *deep digging*. People with "low T" don't start sneaking out without telling where they're going, they don't fuse their damned phone to their hip so they can monitor it every 2 minutes, and they don't suddenly have ZERO interest in you. The guy is a walking cliche of every cheater in the book, for God's sake.

As you said OP, he'll slip up. But if you don't know what you're looking for, you won't find it.

Oh...and if you do continue digging, make sure he doesn't find out or he'll just get sneakier and sneakier and it will just make your job THAT much harder.


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## Melsi (Aug 31, 2020)

We gave been together for a long time he is 59 and pretty set in his ways now he definitely does not talk about feelings or anything thing like that so when I voiced my concerns about us in early June all I said was I have noticed you have changed in the last few months in a lot of ways and to the point that his best friend had even noticed his change in behavior I have never said anything about there being anyone else he was the one that said to me oh well do you think I'm cheating on you he has just brushed the way I'm feeling and theway he makes me feel away like I don't matter I feel like fir the last 6 months I'm doing all the giving and he's taking its very one sided at the moment I've tried to get the spark back in our relationship booked a weekend away bought lingerie and got nothing honestly right now we just feel like room mates and not husband and wife and he thinks this is OK


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Six months is a long time to be treated this way and made to feel in limbo and disrespected. We say here often, sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Have you reached the point that you are willing to say to him, that you have reached your limit, that things need to change or you are out the door? Because you have to be willing to follow that up or you will never be taken seriously again by him. Right now he thinks he can do what he wants and that you aren’t going anywhere no matter how crappy he acts. 

I feel like he’s cheating. This is the vibe I get and it’s not usually wrong. Either way, you don’t deserve to live in this kind of environment. 


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

Well I can see that a lot of people will not understand what I say. All of us have been trained and indoctrinated into a place where things are very transactional. It is moving out of this place that is growth. Anger, suspicion, sneaking around trying to figure out what someone else is doing, seldom ever makes it any easier or better. If you are doing this, you are operating on the same level as the person that may be doing something you don't like. If the person is not going to be honest with you, or cannot communicate with you and that is unacceptable for you, then you need to let them know. You have the choice to stay or leave or ask for changes in the relationship to suit your needs. The other person can agree or not and then choose to stay or leave or come to other agreements. Like I said most people will try to bash my point of view because they truly can't comprehend it. If you want to get better and have better relationships, the only way to do it is to work on your own limiting emotions, honesty, courage, and communication. 

Loving him does not mean doing what he wants, it does not mean letting him get away with things. It means he is a human being and treating him with compassion and getting past our own disempowered emotions to communicate honestly. Yes, we stand in the full power of ourselves. Yes, this often takes changing our views and paradigms about many things. You have the choice to listen to people who feel it is a competition, that what is happening to you is the other person's fault, and that we need to find out everything and confront them. Or we could have the compassion of having honest talks and if they won't do that then there may be consequences. It's your life you can always choose what you want.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clueless. 


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ScottL said:


> Well I can see that a lot of people will not understand what I say. All of us have been trained and indoctrinated into a place where things are very transactional. It is moving out of this place that is growth. Anger, suspicion, sneaking around trying to figure out what someone else is doing, seldom ever makes it any easier or better. If you are doing this, you are operating on the same level as the person that may be doing something you don't like. If the person is not going to be honest with you, or cannot communicate with you and that is unacceptable for you, then you need to let them know. You have the choice to stay or leave or ask for changes in the relationship to suit your needs. The other person can agree or not and then choose to stay or leave or come to other agreements. Like I said most people will try to bash my point of view because they truly can't comprehend it. If you want to get better and have better relationships, the only way to do it is to work on your own limiting emotions, honesty, courage, and communication.
> 
> Loving him does not mean doing what he wants, it does not mean letting him get away with things. It means he is a human being and treating him with compassion and getting past our own disempowered emotions to communicate honestly. Yes, we stand in the full power of ourselves. Yes, this often takes changing our views and paradigms about many things. You have the choice to listen to people who feel it is a competition, that what is happening to you is the other person's fault, and that we need to find out everything and confront them. Or we could have the compassion of having honest talks and if they won't do that then there may be consequences. It's your life you can always choose what you want.


What the....


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

check phone bill from 2 months before he stopped showing interest
in sex, changed behavior. A number that was new or hardly used all
of a sudden had a huge increase in calls/minutes.


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