# Unfaithful?



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Ive been married now for almost 10 months. Lets just say its been the most difficult 10 months I think I've ever had, relationship wise. From 1 month after we were married until now, my husband has cyber chatted with women, almost constantly. He knows how I feel about this and yet he continued to do it. I recently installed a key logger on my pc to track his online activity and I have found that he has been trying to get womens cell numbers and or home numbers to have phone sex. To say the least I am appalled at my findings. And actually we discussed this about 2 weeks ago, and we both agreed we would try harder. Well a week ago I have found where he has been doing it again! I just cant believe what I am seeing. I just dont know what to do about it. It really hurts me tremendously, I just cant believe that he thinks this kind of activity is okay. 

He gets very upset when I talk to other people online, and the conversations are all of a general nature. Im just so astounded to think that he is still doing it, when I thought we had resolved this issue. I think maybe he just doesnt care about me at all or he has some kind of sexual addiction. But I have mentioned the sexual addiction, and had him answer a sexual addiction quiz and he says that he doesnt have that problem. Just not sure what to do at this point. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.


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## steelcurtain (Aug 25, 2007)

~Well im sorry if your new marriage is not that of a romantic movie, or the one you dreamed of as a kid. I know first hand of how hard the 1st year of marriage can be, now granted my problems weren't as serious as yours but the only advice I can give is that for a marriage to be happy and healthy you and him need to be on the same page all the time, it take patience, alot of compromise, and dedication. You need to figure out a way for him to get it though his stubborn head that your not going to spend another minute worrying about his infidelity....however that may be!! Ask yourself this question: Do you want to spend the rest of your life like the past 10 months? Not if you want to be sane. Send him a message that is strong and totally out of your norm. Make him realize, that either im leaving (bags packed) or your going to freakin change. Be firm and stand your ground. And if that doesnt work then honey you dont want to be married to this guy, because it sounds like he rather be married to an imaginary person anyways...

~Look let me just say that I am totally against divorce unless there is infidelity involved. I dont believe people deserve 2nd chances in this situation. But I strongly believe if someone loves and respects you enough he will get the point and want to be a better person. 

Anyways that is my 2 cents hope everything works out...and keep your head up...


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

Yes, I would agree with the above poster that you need to stress that you are not going to live the rest of your life this way. Did he have this problem at all before you were married?
You need to put your foot down now otherwise the longer it goes on the harder it is going to be for him to realize that you mean business. Good luck I hope it all works out for you.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

tater03 said:


> Yes, I would agree with the above poster that you need to stress that you are not going to live the rest of your life this way. Did he have this problem at all before you were married?
> You need to put your foot down now otherwise the longer it goes on the harder it is going to be for him to realize that you mean business. Good luck I hope it all works out for you.


I'm in agreement, too. I'd have to add, though, that if you truly think it's a sex addiction, he'll have to get counseling for it. Telling him to shape up or ship out wouldn't work in that case because he may shape up for a little while and then go right back to it. I'm also curious to know if you knew about this before the marriage. A quiz really isn't a good indicator because people who truly have a problem would know the "right answers" to make them look as if they "passed."


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

The thing is we have just had this talk like I said 2 wks ago. I was leaving, because of the very same reasons, he came and apologized and I stayed firm and said that I was still leaving that I would not take this anymore. However, after we talked a little bit, I decided that I should give it another chance. But then a week and a half later, which would be right now, I have found evidence that he is still doing it. Like I said I have given this guy ample time to redeem himself, and each time I feel more and more like a fool. I was so excited I thought we were gonna actually have a marriage. I was so happy that past week and I was convinced that he would honestly put an effort in. To my disappointment that didnt happen. I just dont trust the next time he says that he will try, that indeed he will try. I have also asked him to maybe go talk to someone to try and see if he does have a sexual addiction. He also views payper view porno when I am away. I am an attractive woman, and no not to my knowledge did he do this prior to marriage, but we did not live together, and I am not sure exactly what he did do. He comments a lot about sexual stuff, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable. I just dont know what to do. Im at the point now where I dont trust him at all or anything that he says.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

babyblues7 said:


> The thing is we have just had this talk like I said 2 wks ago. I was leaving, because of the very same reasons, he came and apologized and I stayed firm and said that I was still leaving that I would not take this anymore. However, after we talked a little bit, I decided that I should give it another chance. But then a week and a half later, which would be right now, I have found evidence that he is still doing it. Like I said I have given this guy ample time to redeem himself, and each time I feel more and more like a fool. I was so excited I thought we were gonna actually have a marriage. I was so happy that past week and I was convinced that he would honestly put an effort in. To my disappointment that didnt happen. I just dont trust the next time he says that he will try, that indeed he will try. I have also asked him to maybe go talk to someone to try and see if he does have a sexual addiction. He also views payper view porno when I am away. I am an attractive woman, and no not to my knowledge did he do this prior to marriage, but we did not live together, and I am not sure exactly what he did do. He comments a lot about sexual stuff, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable. I just dont know what to do. Im at the point now where I dont trust him at all or anything that he says.


It sounds like you will either need to get rid of any computers in the house, or leave him. It really makes no sense to let his promises chew up your best years!


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## stevewsc (Jul 26, 2007)

i can tell you from a mans point of view that he is most likely messing around. my has never once caught me talking to another woman online. she has only seen me on hunting forums and shoping. but verytime she would come home from work and i was on the computer she would accuse me of cheating. insecurity i would say. anyway she has broken 3 monitors of mine, and one tower. dont put up with it. if he cared about you he wouldnt have been doing it in the first place. it might be fantacy now but what if he does get lucky and finds a local woman willing? i would put my paycheck on the idea that he would pursue her. stand up to him or leave, its not owrth the pain.


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## yen (Sep 6, 2007)

I cant help but I know what you are going thru I'm in the same boat but my husband was only talking to one woman. Which he calls a penpal someone he could talk to about headaches he has. But I don't know for sure what all they talked about I do know they sent each other pic and even cell numbers. And most of the time they talk at night after I was in bed. He told me about her and her name it hurt to know that he turn to someone else even if it was a computer. He did erase her number from the cell but only after I found it on there he said he never call her but I do know he sent her text .So I'm like you right now looking for answers he told me he doesn't chat with her an more but he still has the two pic of her on the computer.I'm sorry for going on this is my first time doing anything like this. Wish you all the best who knows maybe we can help each ohter thru these hard times.


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## janus76 (Sep 5, 2007)

i had an ex who also did this and i finished it with her because she also would not stop you need to find out why he is doing this and try and sort the problem and maybe comprimise


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thank you all for your advice and support. It appears like things are getting better, we have discussed this pretty severly and either he has gotten the point or he is just tired of hearing me on the subject, either way, I think for now he understands. I still wonder though, exactly what is and what was going on. Its hard not to think about it, and it does make me wonder if he truly cares. Of course he says he does, but his actions have spoken differently. I just have a lot to think about. Again thanks...and yen keep me posted on your situation, maybe I can lend a helping hand.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

yen said:


> I cant help but I know what you are going thru I'm in the same boat but my husband was only talking to one woman. Which he calls a penpal someone he could talk to about headaches he has. But I don't know for sure what all they talked about I do know they sent each other pic and even cell numbers. And most of the time they talk at night after I was in bed. He told me about her and her name it hurt to know that he turn to someone else even if it was a computer. He did erase her number from the cell but only after I found it on there he said he never call her but I do know he sent her text .So I'm like you right now looking for answers he told me he doesn't chat with her an more but he still has the two pic of her on the computer.I'm sorry for going on this is my first time doing anything like this. Wish you all the best who knows maybe we can help each ohter thru these hard times.


Yen your husband had problems so he turned to someone else for perspective and that was wrong. You have problems and turn here (someone else) to get and give perspective and that is okay?

Did they just talk chat, did they have phone/cyber-sex or was it plotonic?

draconis


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## yen (Sep 6, 2007)

I don't know what they talk about all I know is what he told me. And they have each other cell number and sent text to each other.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Yen~Okay let me do this again.

You are upset because your husband has a girls cell phone number and has talked and texted her. As far as you know they are just friends and no funny business has went on. You equate talking to the opposite sex as cheating or going that way. Yet at the sign that it stressed you he erased her number. 

If he used that as an outlet to gain perspective is it wrong? Is it wrong that he has friends other then your circle?

Wouldn't that make you just as wrong to be on these forums?

draconis


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## yen (Sep 6, 2007)

Yes it would make it wrong but he has all my passwords and can get on my laptop at anytime and I don't get upset when someone else get's on it or walks up behind me. And close windows or wait for him to go to bed or work and fuss at the kids for being behind me when on here or any other site because I don't go to any that the kids theirself can't go to. And I don't send pic of myself to this site I have no need for any phone numbers from this site because I talk on here openly for all to see I'm not looking for one person. I do not have pic of any of you on this forum saved to my laptop I don't sat here day and night or in yahoo chat. And I still do thing with the kids and take them places they don't ask him or try to talk to him if he on the computer they know he gets pissed. And will tell them he is waiting on someone to get back to him or walk outside to answer my cell phone or get pissed if one of them ask for it to look at the pic on it. Because all the pic on mine is of them he doesn't have any of them and on the computer he has pic of cars,streo but none them or the family but three of her I did not have a pic of a rose saved in my cell that another man has sent me. Since we had the computer he doesn't go anywhere with us bcause he always on the computer the first thing he does when he gets up is turn it on and stay on all day and night. My laptop does not own me it is turn on maybe 2 hours a day if at all he can not go a day without the computer. And if we do get him out of house hes ready to go after 30 min. so he can get back on as soon as he comes thru the doors. He see nothing wrong with it and if the kids say someting to him about it he's mad at them because he tell's our son he stay on his to much and wouldn't get out of the house and do anything but our son tells him so you never get off and won't do anything with us he's mad the rest of the day but on the computer. My son don't understand why he gets on to him for something he does himself all day. They have problem over this all the time to the point that my son doesn't want him to go anywhere with us. Just like last night I took him to a football game and try to get him to ask his dad to go and he said no I don't want him to go besides he on the computer he'll say the same thing he said last week. Which was no I don't give a s**t for that I'm busy go on now what kind of answer is that to a 13 year old. And that is what they get all the time. If my faimly has a get together he won't go the kids and myself go but if it is his family he thinks we should all go or it makes him look bad. So I guess what I'm tring to say is he picks the computer over us evertime. We as a family only go and do what he wants if its something I want to do or the kids it ends me taking them by myself. Both of them play sports I go to all their games and see that they get to and from pratice, they don't even ask him anymore to come because they know he on the computer and they say thats all he cares about. So what do you do?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay well that is a bit better perspective. He is addictive to the computer to the point of alienating you and his children. My father in law is close to being like that though he can't surf the net well but he'll play games for hours at a time even during family functions.

With my wife she had become addicted to WoW and we had to have a discussion on limiting it. My wife and I share a computer but since we have different shifts and where I own my own store I can manage to get on a computer for forum when I want.

My wife has read many of my posts and she has my passwords. I have nothing to hide from her. Nor would I want too. Fortune has it I can spend a lot of time with my kids even more so then my wife. She works and does college both full time.

I might reread this later and reply more. It sounds like your husband has one of two issues one is addiction to chat/or computers. The second is he is disconnected from the family.

draconis


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## graniteheart (Oct 6, 2007)

Dear babyblues,

Wow! You have received a lot of good advice here, and you have shared your heart with us. Thank you for opening your personal very intimate life to us. As I discovered with Jennifer, every situation is as different as every person. The facts are that your husband is doing this for some reason. His doing this is hurting you. You have told him that it hurts you and he still did it again. 

I own a transmission business and I can relate your situation to my business. When a vehicle is brought to me with a problem transmission my first action is to find out where it failed. If I can find the cause of the failure I can fix it so it doesn't break again. Finding the base problem is the key to fixing any transmission. If I rebuild the transmission without finding what caused the failure to begin with, many times it will break again very shortly. You and your husband need to work together to find out "why" he is doing this. If you can get to the bottom of that, you can probably make lasting changes. If you never fix the problem, you may never truly be free of him returning again and again.

Of course that's just one opinion of many, and it is worth about as much as it cost. Take it with a grain of salt, and know that my warmest wishes are with you and your husband in working through this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

babyblues7 ~ Since you haven't posted here in a few weeks I hope that is a sign that things are getting better. It sounds like you are trying to save your marriage instead of just bailing on it. I hope it is going well and hope you keep us updated including what you have done to make it better. 

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Haha...thanks for that granite heart...I loved your analogy, very true!! And yes and no things to things going better. He has said that the reason he feels the need to talk to other women is because he is lonely and that i dont talk much, but when i do talk he doesnt seem to be listening, and I have a lot of different interests that he unfortunately doesnt share, so we really dont have any "bonding time". I know I can see his side of course, but why if he is lonely that the only things he talks to these woman about is usually of a sexual nature. The biggest problem with me is anymore, I dont feel attracted to him anymore, I feel disgusted when he touches me...I keep thinking of all the things he has done, and granted he didnt have an affair, but I still feel betrayed and hurt. I think if it would have just been the one time that it happened it wouldnt have really been that big of a deal, but its repetitive. I really do appreciate all the great advice..it has truly helped. God Bless...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

babyblues7 ~ Do you still think that the relationship is worth saving or have you given up on it altogether?

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

To be honest draconis I dont think I really care anymore. I really dont know what to do either way. Divorce is a hard decision to make, and I keep thinking that maybe if I wait it out that things might get better. I am not really trying anymore, and I know he notices. I cant help it though I have tried in the past, and he has constantly gone back to his bad habits. I know he feels bad about it, but I just wonder if this could happen if 2 people really loved each other. I am just wore out..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, here is my advice. 

He has hurt you on a fundamental level. It might take years to fix it. Only you know for sure how much you can endure and decide if you could wait two or ten years while the hurt is fixed. But if he keeps going back to it that means the healing process can not yet begin if at all. He has lost trust in you. This has cause a break down of communications which I see as the base to every working relationship.

The part that is the hardest to read is that your husband did this again after you told him that it hurt you. 

For the relationship to work your husband has to want to fix things and has to go out of his way to do it. If not then the question is can you live like this for the rest of your life and what if these habits get worse?

Divorce is hard. But sometimes you can leave something that isn’t working and find something better.

I wish you the best, I hope you keep us updated.

draconis


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