# Did separation go like you thought?



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I'm watching WH plan moving out, and I see him making a huge mistake. He has trouble managing money now, which is why I have managed the married finances. So he had found an apartment that was affordable for him, close to his work. Now he's decided instead he's going to rent a house from a friend that is going to cost him about $150 more per month. I can see the epic failure this is going to be from a mile away.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Separation is one of those things you just have no clue about, until you live through it and come out alive. The only thing I knew for sure about my separation, was that we were separated.

I think if your husband has already decided he'll move out, then you have to take a step back (or two or many) and let him make his own choices, without worrying about whether they are logical, or epic failures. He's an adult. He knows what to do for himself - and if he fails, he will learn the consequences and grow as a person.

Focus on yourself. Don't focus on him.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

We reached the mutual decision that he should move out, after years of our relationship being stuck in cycles. Our relationship has become very parent (me) / child (him) plus he has done many things to hurt me and I've always just moved along with our life together.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

free2beme14 said:


> We reached the mutual decision that he should move out, after years of our relationship being stuck in cycles. Our relationship has become very parent (me) / child (him) plus he has done many things to hurt me and I've always just moved along with our life together.


Any separation is difficult, with one spouse wondering about the other. But in your case, even more so - because as you mentioned, it was a parent/child relationship and you're accustomed to taking care of him.

The sails of your life have re-adjusted, you should re-adjust your mind and heart accordingly.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't know that anyone should have any preconceived notion of how a separation should go. There are so many variables that come into play. In your case, as has been mentioned - you are separated. Regardless of the past nature of the relationship, this is now a new relationship. Have no expectations of how things should go, just let them go and take care of the things you can control.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

free2beme14 said:


> I'm watching WH plan moving out, and I see him making a huge mistake. He has trouble managing money now, which is why I have managed the married finances.


The way you talk about him is highly disrespectful. Have you always done this? Is this why he's moving out?


----------



## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

From the way you speak about him, he'll be unable to get by on his own, and within a week he'll be crying and begging to come back home.

Or, he'll surprise you and fare better than you expect him to and wonder why you became his "parent" in the relationship.

This is what separation is all about.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The way you talk about him is highly disrespectful. Have you always done this? Is this why he's moving out?


I didn't realize it was disrespectful, him with money has always been trouble. His own father told my parents when we married that his one issue was with handling money. 

He is moving out because he cheated on me 8 years ago, he has been in contact with several with several ex's and not in a "just friends" type way, he can have a temper and has broken numerous things during temper tantrums (punched walls, etc), he's gotten in my face and screamed at me and called me names, and he doesn't uphold his part of the relationship. I've always just gone along and never pushed the issue of us separating, however about a month ago he told me that I "never have done anything for him" and that was my last straw. 

Sorry for the late reply was out of town for a week on vacation.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

No worries on the delay, you have real priorities in life.

In short, no I don't think any separation ever goes according to plan, for the H or W. I know with mine, our marriage counselor even had us draw up a marriage separation plan, basically a list of rules and promises we would keep during the separation, along with a plan to reconnect to try to end the separation. We finalized it with the counselor and signed it on a Saturday morning and by lunch time she was back at the OM's house having sex with him.

Ultimately, from my own experiences (a few now) and from everything I have read on the subject, I believe that separations are a bad idea 95% of the time, whether you have hope of ultimately saving the marriage or not. Why? Because the reality is that the vast majority of the time, one or both partners use that time apart for purposes that aren't geared towards saving the marriage, and they draw false conclusions from their experiences. For example, troubled marriages usually leave one or both partners feeling unhappy/depressed, even being around each other makes them feel worse. Then they separate, and naturally one or both partners feel some immediate relief and in time, they interpret that to mean something like, "Wow, my spouse really is/was making me feel miserable/unhappy. I feel so much better now, so I really do just need a divorce." Another example, often partners separate because they just want to feel the freedom of single life again, or they want to see other people for a while, or do things they otherwise wouldn't be allowed to do in a marriage. That leads them to focus entirely on essentially finding all the reasons why getting a divorce would be wonderful. Seeing other people, sleeping with other people, staying out all night long, recklessly spending money, etc.

The only scenarios where I think a separation makes sense is where one or both partners have resorted to violence, or where the fighting has gotten to a point where it can't be controlled and is creating emotional harm for any children that might be involved. Even then, only a limited, short term separation. Otherwise in just about every other scenario, it just makes more sense to just go straight to divorce. And this is coming from a guy who DID reconcile with his wife after several separations.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Ultimately, from my own experiences (a few now) and from everything I have read on the subject, I believe that separations are a bad idea 95% of the time, whether you have hope of ultimately saving the marriage or not. Why? Because the reality is that the vast majority of the time, one or both partners use that time apart for purposes that aren't geared towards saving the marriage, and they draw false conclusions from their experiences. For example, troubled marriages usually leave one or both partners feeling unhappy/depressed, even being around each other makes them feel worse. Then they separate, and naturally one or both partners feel some immediate relief and in time, they interpret that to mean something like, "Wow, my spouse really is/was making me feel miserable/unhappy. I feel so much better now, so I really do just need a divorce." Another example, often partners separate because they just want to feel the freedom of single life again, or they want to see other people for a while, or do things they otherwise wouldn't be allowed to do in a marriage. That leads them to focus entirely on essentially finding all the reasons why getting a divorce would be wonderful. Seeing other people, sleeping with other people, staying out all night long, recklessly spending money, etc.
> 
> The only scenarios where I think a separation makes sense is where one or both partners have resorted to violence, or where the fighting has gotten to a point where it can't be controlled and is creating emotional harm for any children that might be involved. Even then, only a limited, short term separation. Otherwise in just about every other scenario, it just makes more sense to just go straight to divorce. And this is coming from a guy who DID reconcile with his wife after several separations.


I am sure you are right for the 95% who might want to save the marriage. (I was one of them) But for the 95% who want to leave you would probably be wrong. Unfortunately about the same percentage of time the same thing would eventually happen anyways. IOW people are going to do what they want to do anyway. Imagining that some piece of paper (the marriage license) will somehow magically stop this from happening is not realistic. Regardless of the conclusions people draw, (real or false) they are going to draw those conclusions on their own.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Ynot said:


> I am sure you are right for the 95% who might want to save the marriage. (I was one of them) But for the 95% who want to leave you would probably be wrong. Unfortunately about the same percentage of time the same thing would eventually happen anyways. IOW people are going to do what they want to do anyway. Imagining that some piece of paper (the marriage license) will somehow magically stop this from happening is not realistic. Regardless of the conclusions people draw, (real or false) they are going to draw those conclusions on their own.


Hhmmm, maybe I'm not understanding you correctly... Are you saying that for the folks who do want to leave the marriage, then a separation makes sense? My view is that if someone wants to leave the marriage, then they should just start that process, rather than drag it out longer with a separation. Why waste time, give false hope to their spouse, spend even more financial resources and stress on a separation if one or both partners are confident that they want a divorce? I can at least understand the logic behind two people who would like to save their marriage choosing a separation, even though I think they are actually hurting the odds of saving it.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Hhmmm, maybe I'm not understanding you correctly... Are you saying that for the folks who do want to leave the marriage, then a separation makes sense? My view is that if someone wants to leave the marriage, then they should just start that process, rather than drag it out longer with a separation. Why waste time, give false hope to their spouse, spend even more financial resources and stress on a separation if one or both partners are confident that they want a divorce? I can at least understand the logic behind two people who would like to save their marriage choosing a separation, even though I think they are actually hurting the odds of saving it.


No I am saying that the separation just hastens the decisions being made by other side. The fact that the marriage has deteriorated to the point of separation says a lot about the state of the marriage. The separation just hastens the final decision IMO. Maybe they are unsure of how they really want to go. The separation allows for baby steps. I am not saying I agree with the decisions but at the same time no marriage should remain whole simply on the basis of fear of the unknown.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I think in our case it will lead to divorce, as I'm pretty sure if he could not honor the marriage vows when we're together he won't while we are apart.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

free2beme14 said:


> I think in our case it will lead to divorce, as I'm pretty sure if he could not honor the marriage vows when we're together he won't while we are apart.


Eh, you never know, I think it might depend on what led you both to this point in the first place. I think it's sort of human nature though to take advantage of opportunities to bend rules when the "rule enforcer" isn't around. Like if the boss is on vacation, the staff tends to leave a few minutes early, or if my wife is out of town I might enjoy a movie and chips in bed (despite her "no food in bed" rule), that sort of thing. The question is, why does he want the separation?

Also... if he is signing a lease on a new place, I'd see that as a sign that he isn't planning on returning any time soon...


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Eh, you never know, I think it might depend on what led you both to this point in the first place. I think it's sort of human nature though to take advantage of opportunities to bend rules when the "rule enforcer" isn't around. Like if the boss is on vacation, the staff tends to leave a few minutes early, or if my wife is out of town I might enjoy a movie and chips in bed (despite her "no food in bed" rule), that sort of thing. The question is, why does he want the separation?
> 
> Also... if he is signing a lease on a new place, I'd see that as a sign that he isn't planning on returning any time soon...


We both decided it was best, due to the fact that I am far past my limit of being treated with any respect. I know that I have let it go on far too long and for that I am to blame. I have always thought things would get better if he got a more stable job, if this or if that. I always hoped the man who I dated and married and lived a very happy life with would return. The guy I didn't want--who lied, cheated, yelled at me, called me names, refused to take responsibility for his actions or follow through with things he said he would do--was who I have been stuck with for the past 8 years. 

He is moving due to the fact he cannot afford the house payment on his salary, I can barely. The house in not in any condition to go up for sale right now, as 2 other homes in our subdivision are for sale and not selling. And ours needs repairs done. 

As far a a lease, he "has not decided" how long of one he is going to sign. We had originally talked about month to month, when he was going to do the apartment. Now with the house I don't know what the options are and he is not sharing many details.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well, who knows what might happen. Bottom line issue is whether you can both genuinely focus on the purpose of a separation:

*Take some time to clear your heads and think about YOUR share of the responsibility for the current situation.
*Take a break from the stress of the day-to-day marital fighting.
*Get some outside perspective from either a qualified trained IC, or perhaps read some books on the topic of what you might be going through.
*Do your best to think of what YOU could be doing to help the marriage going forward.

And avoid the distractions and marriage busters:

*Seeing someone else.
*Consulting with anyone who seeks to encourage you to end your marriage. This especially includes any non-relative opposite sex friend, just avoid them.
*Don't go out and start doing things that a married person shouldn't be doing.

Those things can be detrimental, because they give you a false sense of what non-married life will be like.

Ultimately if you can't accomplish any of the positive marital steps listed above, then that is when you should consider discussing divorce with your spouse, and your therapist.

Just my two cents.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds just like my ex. 

Have you consulted an attorney? I think you should. What he does/where he lives after he moves out is irrelevant. Start the process. Let him know EVERYTHING that he intends to keep needs to be out in 30 days after which you will change the locks and any remaining property will be considered abandoned. I assume you have already decided who gets what?

Then you should consider getting a roommate to help with the expenses. You can use the money for paint and small repairs so you can be ready to sell. 

As he pointed out, if you haven't given him a specific amount and a specific time frame, he isn't going to offer up anything. Tell him.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sounds just like my ex.
> 
> Have you consulted an attorney? I think you should. What he does/where he lives after he moves out is irrelevant. Start the process. Let him know EVERYTHING that he intends to keep needs to be out in 30 days after which you will change the locks and any remaining property will be considered abandoned. I assume you have already decided who gets what?
> 
> ...


I'm going to see if friends have recommendations, and go see one.


----------

