# Battle to save my family lost: I filed for divorce



## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

With great sadness, I now find myself posting in this section, having moved beyond "Coping with Infidelity".

For background on this long and painful journey, see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/7129-six-months-after-affair.html.

She was frankly shocked that I served her, she was expecting to have me served but I beat her to it. Frankly, it feels better to be on this end of it, took some control back. But it still greatly saddens me.

I am not sure what the next few months will bring (before the divorce becomes final), but it will likely get uglier than last PM - as she was on the phone bad mouthing me (e.g., "he is an a$$hole", "he is a bad father", "I have only been drunk in front of the kids a few times", etc). If you read the background on my journey, you will see that on top of her serial infidelity, she has a serious drinking problem - this only complicates matters greatly. My lawyer informed her lawyer that she has a serious drinking problem (not surprisingly, she failed to share this with her lawyer) and warned her about her client acting out - this was relayed back to my wife and it rocked her to her core.

I believe the reality of the situation hit my wife like a ton of bricks. Sad thing is, I spent every waking moment over the past 8 months trying to save my family, all the while she failed to do the same - rather, continued with the same destructive behavior.

Oddly, we spent the night in the same bed. I had previously refused to leave the house or our bedroom. I figured she would opt for the guest room, but did not. Weird waking up in the middle of the night, inches apart from the woman who hours before I served with divorce papers.

I weep for my children, as they surely know something is up. I rue the day we have that "talk" with them.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I am so sorry. But it takes great strength to make the decision and move forward. Hang in there.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's so heartbreaking. Trying your best and never making it..is so exhausting.

My good friend's W...did the same thing as yours. He been going through hell for 2 years. She is a drinker and behaves as if she's a teen. This week he put in his notice to move. He's moving out and told her. She is reeling and wanting "in" now to restore the relationship. He's still moving and setting firm boundaries (finally). It took him along while to get to this point. He's not filing yet..he needs to do things in steps. However, if she doesn't show full action toward reconciliation he's done.

You kids, more than likely know something is going on. They don't have a clear picture though. I hated this part telling my kids. It rips your heart apart. I NEVER want this to happen again in my life that feeling. 

It sounds like you are on the road of taking care of yourself....probably someone you neglected for along time.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I am sorry to hear that you were left no other option but to file for divorce. I have not read any of your previuos posts so don't have all the history. 
But as many of us on this site have had to come to terms with is that even if we/you want to save the marriage - we/you can't do it on your own. It is a team effort & if you wife was not onboard to try to save your marriage - then you were fighting an uphill battle. 

maybe this will be her "rock bottom" to realize that she need to change & do it quick. I think that would be wonderful news but could very well be wishful thinking??? 
I know for me to finally give up & stop trying was a very difficult decision but I couldn't continue to beat myself up & save my marriage by myself. And that was the reality of it in the end - I held onto every last shred of hope & gave my husband sooo many chance to show me he wanted this this to work & he never stepped up to the plate. 
so as much as you/I & many other out there - filing for divorce it NOT what we wanted but we were put in a position that we couldn't win. 

I hope that your wife straightens up for the kids sake. But can sympathize with you when you say you are "done" & ready to stop fighting. It's a tough, tough decision to make but ultimately you need to look out for yourself & your children. And the current relationship with your wife doesn't not seem like a healthy one. 
You wife may wake up one day & realize what a BIG mistake she made by not getting her act together. But it sounds like you have been patient but you can't be expected to wait indefinitely. 

These next few months will be tough but you are tough & can make it through it. '
You know where to find support when needed or just a place to vent 
Best wishes in the next chapter in your life.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Less than 48hrs after serving her...am absolutely exhausted. 

The next morning after she was served, she sent me a battery of texts, some of which were curt, some of which tried to make me feel guilty/give me hope (e.g., hopeful we could work this out, called our marriage counselor, etc). This really messed with my head, as I pause and wonder if there is indeed, hope. However, she ended with "...we crossed the line in the sand for the last time"...this divorce will be long and expensive. <sigh>. I only responded with " YOU crossed the line in the sand for the last when you re-connected with [TOM 3]".

My wife proceeded to speak with my mother, telling her that she loves me/made some mistakes/etc. - BUT, says I am "controlling", "difficult", etc - as usual, deflecting the blame/guilt - no mention of her failing to make needed changes. She did recognize the the changes/effort I made...WTF?

Last night she slept in the guest room. This AM, I was as cordial/nice as I could be - offered her coffee, joked a bit/etc. Understand, she is really, really, pi$$ed right now and having lost some control, not quite sure what to do...it throws her off seeing me be nice (read: normal) to her, rather than angry/spiteful. One minute it has sunk it what I have done, resulting in her being cold, then next, she is talking about what we are going to wear if we attend a Halloween costume party and what is needed to be done to the house in the Spring...WTF? This roller coaster ride is very, very, taxing and is wearing me out - almost be easier if we hated each other. When I start thinking about the possibility of reconciliation, I simply remind myself as to how we got here and that sobers me up rather quickly.

I am attempting to put on a face of normalcy for the kids, this AM they have been all over me, much to the chagrin of my wife. We will be spending the afternoon together, will see how that goes...


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## hurtbyhim777 (Oct 3, 2009)

I have just spent a bit of time going over the previous posts. What is it with people? Can they not realize when they have a good thing and stick with it?

You are doing the right thing! She does not deserve you! You have bent over backwards trying to get counseling and work things out, been VERY forgiving and willing - and all the while apparently took for granted!

I, too, have a cheater. It seems he thrives on the gushy affection of others, and only wants me to hold down the fot and our family. After 25+ years of his BS, I finally left - only to now have him going out on the weeknight too rather than just weekends.

BE STRONG! Someone should appreciate your willingness to go to counseling and forgive, my H won't forgive me for things I did as a 17-19 yr old before I knew him - and you are forgiving this? You are to be commended! Maybe it will be a wake up call and she will seek AA and personal counseling for her neediness....if I sought solace each and every time I needed emotional support I WOULD BE A TRAMP! 

You sound like a good man, who loves his kids and his wife. Hopefully, since you filed, she will see you are serious and straighten up. If, not - stay strong - and stick to your plan - you and the kids will be better off!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hang in their confused. I IS totally exhausting to live in the same house when you are doing battle.

When my H and I separated I was sad but RELIEVED to say the least. I no longer how to wonder what moods or walk on eggshells or second guess every sentence to come out of his mouth. 

The mix messages kill me. They don't know what they want. It's all about THEIR feelings. 

When my friend put notice in that he was moving..all of a sudden his W is wanting to "do anything" to save the marriage. AFter 2 affairs (by her) in 2 years and 20 years of marriage. He is so frustrated and moving on. She can still PROVE her love and change...just in a different location.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

This weekend truly could have taken place on "Bizzaro World" (fictional planet where everything is essentially the opposite of what it should be).

Saturday we hung out as a family for most of the day; kids were happy and I appeared the same (on the outside). This continued to throw my wife off, as had I just served her with divorce papers. She was confused, and I could tell, bothered by my laissez faire attitude. Later in the day, I told her I was going to the store to pick up some food to grill for dinner, she asked that I pick a few things up for her, which I did.

She then proceeded to set the table for four and asked if I wanted to have an appetizer while the kids ate their dinner - I agreed. So, we all four sat down for an early dinner. About ten minutes in, she says "can I talk to you?" We walked into the next room and she proceeded to lay into me for acting like everything was normal, as I had just filed for divorce (ie, all having dinner together). I reminded her it was she who set the table for four and asked if I wanted to eat with the kids. I then asked her what the alternative was, yelling/fighting, making the household even more tense? She tried to then place blame on me for filing. I reminded her as to how we got here and as is custom, she tried to deflect guilt back onto me with nasty rhetoric.

I reminded her that while I was away on business recently, she re-connected with TOM 3. To my amazement (not really), she tried to rationalize and play this down (she claims they have spoken in months, nothing is going on, etc). She then inquires of of how how I found out about the recent communication...trying to minimize HER behavior and make it about me. I was left dumbfounded. She then told me she was going out to dinner with her girlfriends (both toxic divorcees). 

Before she left, I asked her for clarification - did she think it was OK for her to reach out to TOM 3? She said no, explaining it was a moment of weakness and a mistake. I reminded her that it was not a single communication, but rather, multiple exchanges over the week and it was SHE who initiated. She told me to "get over it", as nothing was going on. <sigh>

I spent the evening with the kids and went to bed before she returned home.

On Sunday AM (she slept in guest room again), I was the first up and then the kids. My daughter asked "why is mommy in the guest room?". Ugh. I told her "mommy was feeling sick and didn't want to get daddy sick". My wife then comes down and I keep up the appearance that I am OK with this and kill her with kindness. She reciprocates with: making a large breakfast for me/kids, calls me "honey", talks again about the future, makes lunch and a wonderful dinner for me, etc...all in all, it was a nice day (dark cloud overhead aside). We ran into some friends while out, and we are all joking/chating - clearly giving a picture as if nothing is wrong (they don't know). So very weird.

We both had a few glasses of wine with dinner and after putting the kids to bed, hung out and watched some TV together (I will add, before dinner, I found her crying by herself. - she confessed to me how miserable she feels, sad, scared, confused, and genuinely "messed up"). While watching TV together, we hold hands, cuddle a bit - all so very, very weird (but nice). The next thing you know, we are upstairs having sex....WTF? I am sooooo confused I can't see straight - I need a lighthouse to navigate through this fog. Afterward, we talked a bit - she contemplated aloud about starting over with a clean slate, leaving all of the emotional baggage and scars behind and starting over/fresh. Appealing, but how does that address the root problems? We chatted for a while and the fell asleep (same bed).

This AM, we cuddled before getting up and discussed how so very confusing this is. I said we have a lot to figure out...and then confessed I didn't know whether to kiss her goodbye or ...? I wished her a good day and left for work w/out kissing her. 

How is it that I still have feelings for one who has caused me/family so much grief? Is this a ploy? Is she plotting something nefarious? Is she genuinely contrite? Has serving her papers really shook her to her core? ...or is this simply her using her patented "bait and switch" reconciliation tactic so as to move back away from the cliff?

I remain, after 8 months, still "Confused in Columbus".


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh lordy I feel for you!

I remember my MC telling me that if separated couples say they haven't had sex they are usually lying - because 
as he put it 
"the heart, soul and body remember" and where sex is concerned who cares about your brain?

I guess you have some reflection to do .....

sorry absolutley NO advice to offer.....


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sorry to hear this. I haven't glanced at your older post yet don't have the time right now but from what I gather her serving you was a farce. It sounded like she was going to dangle the carrot in front to see how you reacted. The fact you beat her turned the situation around onto her. Now she is the one being left and you feel empowered.. Now its under your control not hers and I applaud you. It probably will help you save the marriage if you so choose. The question is can you forgive the infidelities? You can't just say it you need to let it completely go. I could't my wife knows that. I would be 100% done if she did. I would never cheat on her either. It's the line for me. The simple fact you are still "together" tells me you are capable. Just time.. As for the sex. I can tell you weeks ago my wife was getting itchy. She told me she could see herself having sex with "somebody" not a specific person. That made me take one or 2 for the team. Not that I wanted to sleep with her so much as I did but I wanted to satisfy her so she didn't with somebody else. I told her that. I enjoy making love to my wife but when not on good terms I don't. Still the sex brought us closer. Even though I was told she didn't feel anything from that day on we could touch each other. Something we didn't do... 

You are at a cross road. I think you should really think about all options and make your best choice. Make a list of pros and cons. See which is better. have a plan to improve your situation regardless of what you choose. Either way you are in control now!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The moment that you served her...you gained control. Probably the MOST of an upper hand that you've had in many months! 

You are right to be confused as she is giving off many signals. 

Because she is feeling confused..she wants to make sure that you are close enough "in case" she still wants the relationship. She may not even be aware that she's doing this. My H has done the same thing!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey confused, sorry to hear about situation. It sucks I know, I want you to remember one thing. Your wife is just like a monkey, she is not going to let go of one branch untill she has a firm grasp on another one. Do not play into her games, she will string you along if you let her. Continue through with the divorce, it is whats best for you.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

This AM my wife sent a text asking if I wanted to go to the marriage counselor to see if our marriage is salvageable or if not, help us navigate these waters in a manner best suited for our kids. I waited some time and thought about it...I agreed, and told her to make the appt. She said she would and then proceeds to inquire as to how I am "feeling".

There is a mandatory and extended "cooling off period" before the divorce is final, so I really don't see a down side to seeing the marriage counselor (our new one is quite good, but we only saw her twice - see previous posts). But the mixed messages (e.g., slept in the same bed again last night, aforementioned texts, etc) really are challenging, that is, difficult to process and understand...resulting in continued confusion. 

However, my defenses are up and I am still going forward with the divorce unless I am given an extremely powerful reason not to...been down this road before (see previous posts).


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You do have the power now. Even though, when things start getting tough and the work (marriage) has to be be done...she may step back again. That wouldn't be unusual.

You should have your defensives up...I would be nice and kind but not be a doormat. You know what you need to do. She has to be willing to do the work and fully commit to the marriage.

The fact that she want to see your MC and sleeping in the bed is a good sign. However, I would be leery as she may just be afraid of going it alone. The fear factor may be kicking in. You will know in due time. Hang in there.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes Columbus just keep those defenses up ....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When you have made the 'decision', it is like releasing a pressure gauge. Things between my wife and I improved _dramatically_ after I moved out. But as I have pointed out time and again in my posts - and you are seeing the same; she made no sincere investment in changing. She deflected, she avoided, she lied.

Your wife has been threatening you with divorce for the last 8 months. She is shocked and angry with you for having actually followed through.
Now she wants to pursue counseling. Alcohol is obviously an issue for her. I'm not saying she's an alcoholic, but undoubtedly it has a negative impact on her behavior. Has that come up in counseling? You have nothing to lose by throwing it out there, and I would guess, from her perspective it would be unexpected, and light her up like a Roman candle. She doesn't like being called out - but in terms of what needs to be addressed, her being called out is exactly what needs to happen if you do want to work towards a reconciliation. She needs to be called out on everything - and actually accept or address the issues.

There is a reason why she labels you as controlling, it is because she refuses to take control herself. She wants to save the marriage, but you are the a$$hole. You want to dictate who she talks to, how she behaves, and how she lives her life. Not a single one of those factors would be in place if she would simply make the responsible decisions for herself. It's easier to blame you - pitch a fit and then try to win you back - so she can just keep blaming you. 

Counseling is a good thing. You can continue to influence control there as well. Primarily, your counselor can be instrumental in helping you set the stage for how you talk with the kids.

Sirch's comparison is hysterical, and true.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Thanks for the always sage advice Deejo, much appreciated (as is everyone else's insight). You hit the nail on the head with regards to her falesly labeling me as controlling, as it is SHE that remains out of control and incapable or undesirous of making good decisions - therefore requiring me to spell out appropriate borders for the marriage - thus resulting in her telling me "you want June Cleaver/1950s" wife, accusing me of being controlling/etc.c <sigh> Can't make her see otherwise.

It continues to get more confusing. She continues to sleep in the same room, invite me to a wine tasting event, and talk about the future. This AM she kissed me goodbye before leaving for work. WTF?

Yesterday our old witty banter via email/texts returned, my sense of humor was evident. But at the same time, I was asking myself "what are you doing? You filed for divorce". It seems so much easier to be nice/pleasant/etc. vs. going into battle everyday. I am conflicted, as part of me hopes for reconciliation, while another part reminds myself how and why we got here. I am amazed after that has been done to me/family, I still hold onto a sliver of hope...seems foolish to me when I step back and look at the situation logically. But, I am not Dr. Spock from Star Trek because I also look at the situation through emotional lenses...which appears to be my achilles heal...kids/family cloud my logic.

Last night I went out with some friends for dinner/drinks. I could tell this bothered her greatly. It was so very healthy for me, as for first time in weeks I did not think about the divorce/problems...it was a good time. She managed to call me after an hour or so, just like she did the last time I went out...she can't handle me out.

My therapist gave me an a$$ whopping yesterday, really challenged me as to why was I going along with this? Last week I was adamant, strong, etc and now I have become conflicted...sleeping in the same bed, dinner, etc with my wife. I have no answer other than indeed, I am conflicted. Understand, I am not stopping the divorce (as of now) or bending over backwards for her (it is she doing so for me). I remain, for the most part, strong and stoic...but I do put on the "happy face" for kids/while at home. 

My defenses are up and I still don't trust her. Only the next few months will tell whether this is the same old tried and true tactic of hers, or if she is sincere and serious about committing to work on the marriage/family.

CC


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

ConfusedinColumbus said:


> I am conflicted, as part of me hopes for reconciliation, while another part reminds myself how and why we got here. I am amazed after that has been done to me/family, I still hold onto a sliver of hope...seems foolish to me when I step back and look at the situation logically. But, I am not Dr. Spock from Star Trek because I also look at the situation through emotional lenses...which appears to be my achilles heal...kids/family cloud my logic.
> 
> 
> CC


You _are_ thinking logically - logic is the ability to see different points of view and analyse them - your posts are very logical - you are proceeding without pointless fighting - of course you have hope - I get it....
emotion doesn't cancel out logic - it just makes it hurt


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

knortoh said:


> You _are_ thinking logically - logic is the ability to see different points of view and analyse them - your posts are very logical - you are proceeding without pointless fighting - of course you have hope - I get it....
> emotion doesn't cancel out logic - it just makes it hurt


Outstanding post. When you're in it - the emotions feel anything but logical. 
Logic, and the painful decision to abandon hope comes about after repeatedly believing that you have hit the point that you're partner will _truly_adress the issues, only to later discover they don't want to address the issues - what they _truly_ want is for you to stop pointing out that the issues exist.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are incredibly strong and logical! Keep it up. 

I am cheering for you!!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sounds like if you want to work it out she is there to try. Don't do it too quick give her time to get hooked deep. Then pop it up if you want to work this out have a list of what you need and want from the relationship.. You got the upper hand. Congrats!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LH: Are you a fisherman? I caught on to the analogies!! 

CIC: Your wife will show her true colors in a bit..as to why she is making "nice." I am wondering if she staying out of fear. Time will tell.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

LH: Thanks. However, no needs for lists, as she already knows what I need and want in the relationship. She has known for 8 months - that is why we find ourselves heading toward divorce. Understand that I have been trying to giver HER what SHE wants during this time, as I admittedly had fallen short in some areas and have spent almost every waking moment working on the things that needed attention.

CW: I am afraid you are likely correct. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whether it is fear (financial impact, status in community, being alone, etc) or something nefarious, I don't yet know. That is why I am glad I am in the "driver's seat" so to speak (I filed and only I can call it off).

That all said, it was another confusing (but good) weekend. On Sat she wore her wedding band all day and while we were out. Very, very weird (I have not worn mine since we filed). Fri and Sat were spent together w/kids, great time indeed. She still sleeps in the same room, likely to be the case until the next "blow-up". Had sex again (she initiated) on Sat night after she made a great dinner for me. Very, very confusing. Admittedly, I had a moment or two of weakness (caught myself talking about "next spring", the future, brought home flowers on Sun, etc)...hard not to get caught up in the enjoyable moments and forget where we find ourselves...at the end of the day, we do get along and that really saddens/confuses me. 

After a few glasses of wine during dinner on Sat, I was reminded that this could all be a show, in that we had a "mini-talk", initiated by her...she still downplays the most recent communication w/TOM 3...and when I called her on it, she will admit it was a mistake/moment of weakness, BUT is dying to know how I found out about it...I told her it doesn't matter, what does is the fact that she did it. Best line during this conversation was: 

HER: Stop spying on me
ME: Stop cheating on me

LMAO

She then says she will stay with me forever if I love HER and give her what SHE needs...told her that I can't do any more than what I have been doing the past 8 months and reaching out to TOM 3 (recently) makes it impossible for me to give anything more or try harder.

Sun AM and afternoon were good, but that mini-conversation on Sat stayed with more me for most of the day and kept me grounded and my defenses up.

It is our anniversary on Weds. I had no intention of doing anything or even acknowledging the date. However, my wife asked me over the weekend if I wanted to go out (to a particular restaurant that I like) that evening. Weird, weird, weird. Ultimately, I gave a nonchalant "sure, sounds fine". 

It has only been a week since I filed, we have a few more months before anything becomes final which is enough time to gauge her sincerity and efforts.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Keep doing what your doing. Eventually you will have to have the REAL talk. What to expect.. What you want.. How to heal from all the problems. Sounds like she doen't want it to go that far but you have to wait and see if she can do the things that are required. Make a list of what you need and expect and when you have that TALK show the list. No matter what it's going to be your choice..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You're a smart guy....just keep doing what you're doing. 

I totally get it with TOM(3) and the communication stuff. It's like the DON'T GET IT! I have a friend whose wife is the same way. Can't quit responding to TOM texts. Or should I say won't quit.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

CW People like the attention. It's what my wife tells me.. My wife as you know has self esteem issues and any attention from OM she soaks up. She knows this and I have pointed out even with her FB friends she would use them the same way. She would contact them and run their emotions dry and move to the next friend. She never denied it... In fact I think she was scared I saw it..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ConfusedinColumbus said:


> My defenses are up and I still don't trust her. Only the next few months will tell whether this is the same old tried and true tactic of hers, or if she is sincere and serious about committing to work on the marriage/family.


It does sound as though she's scrambling now that you filed. Who knows, maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs.

While it's good that she admits contacting TOM3 was a bad mistake and weakness on her part, what disturbs me about your situation is her 'just get over it' attitude and her annoyance with your snooping...Until she really understands how hurt you are from her behavior and until she actually cares how much she hurt you, she will continue to expect you to 'get over it' as your part in working on the marriage. 

That's the point I think you need to drive home in counseling...that you cannot just brush this under the rug and instantly trust her again...that she needs to be willing to do what it takes to regain your trust...and if it means no going out after work, checking her phone, emails, etc. is she willing to do _that _ for your marriage...getting along, being friendly, respectful, doing things for you, having sex...those may seem great to you but should be part of any marriage....your marriage needs more than that at this point because she's done some serious damage that requires more than just a quick fix.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey, quit giving her what she wants or needs. You are sueing her, plain and simple so act like it. Work on your needs and wants and go radio silent with her.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Swede: Yea, you are spot on, still, after 8 months, of playing down the relationship and specifically, reaching out to him just a few weeks ago is very telling. She one conflicted/messed up puppy. She always deflects back to me (snooping/etc). Nothing new here, been the case since day 1.

Sirch: I quit giving her what she wants/needs the day before I filed....I had no more to give after 8 months. She is steering the ship now with regards to reconciliation, not I. I am simply the one who decides after a few months if in fact, the divorce becomes final.

Understand, that there is no template as how to proceed and interact in the interim...much, much easier (on everybody, including kids) if I come home and put on my game face - appear happy, nice, loving, etc vs. coming home and remaining stoic, angry, and bitter (all valid emotions right now). I do this all the while planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

It remains a roller coaster - no wedding band today and no kiss goodbye. Fine with me. I think she has her knickers in a knot this AM because I went out again last night with a good buddy who was in town on business...just like last Thurs, she reached out to me via text/phone for trivial stuff...she can't bear the thought of her staying home w/kids while I am out. Tell you what, very healthy for me...had a great time, just dinner and drinks.

...and so it goes into week two post divorce summons service. Our anniversary should make for an interesting evening on Weds....<sigh>


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

ConfusedinColumbus said:


> Swede: Yea, you are spot on, still, after 8 months, of playing down the relationship and specifically, reaching out to him a few weeks is very telling. She one conflicted/messed up puppy. She always deflects back to me (snooping/etc). Nothing new here, been the case since day 1.
> 
> Sirch: I quit giving her what she wants/needs the day before I filed....I had no more to give after 8 months. She is steering the ship now with regards to reconciliation, not I. I am simply the one who decides after a few months if in fact, the divorce becomes final.
> 
> ...


Maybe she is getting help now and no more pursing?? It sounds like that might be the case.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Yesterday was our anniversary...weird, weird, weird. We went out for drinks (no dinner, decided to spend the evening at home w/kids and go out on Sat night). We ran into a co-worker of hers while out and my wife says "its our anniversary today..."...WTF? Couldn't believe she told her that. Weird!

Evening was OK, got along just fine...obviously things were weighing heavy on our shoulders, not much to "celebrate" per se.

Earlier in the day (yesterday), she inquired about my interest in a family outing in mid-December. Really? That is weeks before our divorce would be final. <sigh> Again, WTF?

Today, she figured out that I had set up a separate checking account and I told her as much (set up right before she was served). But, I simply transferred 99% of my paycheck into our joint accounts. I didn't go over too well, but not much she can say as she had previously set up her own account (for an LLC she has on the side - which I know she has recently socked some money away in). I told her that my direct deposits now go into my personal checking account and I will transfer the funds over when necessary, no intention hiding/withholding anything (prohibited after service of divorce summons). It bothered her, because it was another example of me doing something she didn't think I would - taking back some control. She claims she wished I would have simply told her, as it caused some confusion on her part (when examining finances/joint accounts)...oh well, I have been "confused" for some 8 months now..lol

At some point, we need to discuss how/when we are going to resolve this - either commit to fixing (actions, not words) or move forward, amicably as possible, toward divorce - to date, no discussion RE: selling house, etc - only discussions about the future (ski trips, Thanksgiving, next spring, etc). She has set up an appoint with the marriage counselor/therapist, but we shall see if it in fact materializes. 

The clock continues to tick...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Obviously she isn't dealing with reality. Continue your course...let her come to her own conclusions. She wants to stay in many way, judging from her actions and words. However, other outside forces are pulling her out of the marriage as well. 

At some point..she will either commit to working on it or not. It will be your call at that point. 

I'm going through a divorce...my H filed (grass is greener syndrome). I don't want it but I am not fighting it. He couldn't be nicer and more friendly. I just move forward, take it as it comes and deal with what I need to deal. If I don't like something or it doesn't benefit ME than I don't do it. 

Hang in there.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do you still have any of those "off her rocker" tantrum texts that she used to send you?

You may want to show her one of those from time to time, to keep her grounded in why things aren't business as usual.

She doesn't want to actually do any work, she just wants to diffuse the circumstances and hope it will go away. If you do follow through - she will paint the collapse as your fault. You have already seen a lot of this behavior previously, is that right? This went on with my wife for about 2 years prior to things coming to a head.

She is absolutely in denial. My wife never, and still won't, take any direct action in moving towards the divorce. I'll never forget how horrified I was when back in June of this year when after our mediation, my being out of the house for months, and her being in a sexual relationship with another man, that she proclaimed "I feel like you are jumping the gun. Why are you in such a rush to do this?"
She truly believed it ... the pinnacle of denial.

We acknowledged, but certainly didn't celebrate our 10th anniversary a month after our final mediation appointment.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

My H won't take any responsibility for divorce either - won't see a solicitor, accountant or work out his financial obligations to me - I think in his case it's both denial and laziness makes it too 'real' and he is used to me dealing with the more annoying parts of life anyway.........


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

To sleep at 1AM and up a 4AM...the other shoe dropped last night. I am so very exhausted, this 8 month journey has drained my soul.

Last PM, she talked about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and came home from work wearing her wedding band. However, she started drinking out of the gate (may have had something before she arrived home). As soon as the kids went to bed, she said "we need to talk about the divorce" and proceeded to complain how expensive this all is/will be (NOTE: as noted in my earlier thread, while we both make a very good living, she is the primary breadwinner - and has most at stake financially). She was also very upset about learning I had setup a separate checking account (NOTE: she has one too). I could tell by her tone, this was going to get nasty and I excused myself to grab my new VAR. 

I countered that it doesn't have to be as expensive (we both have very, very expensive lawyers who will eat up our large retainers) as we could try mediation and/or get this: NOT GET A DIVORCE AND TRY TO FIX THIS MESS AS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE LAST 8 MONTHS. But alas, especially when drinking, she is impossible to talk to/rationalize with. She deflected and complained how this is too much baggage/water under the bridge etc. I reminded her as to how well we have gotten along these past two weeks, DESPITE HER TRYING TO RECONNECT WITH TOM 3 just prior. The conversation then again turned on "how did you find out...you are reading my emails...you broke into my new phone....etc, etc". No desire to talk about what she did, but rather ME and how I found out. U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E. I then bluffed her into believing TOM 3's wife told me...have fun with that! After all of this, she still doesn't get it. How/why did she initiate sex, hold my hand, talk about the future, etc....?????? I guess she was in denial or just playing me, both of which are hard for me to grasp.

I explained that she had recently: suggested we wipe our slates clean and start over, seek counseling, and move forward...what was that about? I literally had my guts ripped out again...all this effort on my part for the last 8 months, trying to keep my family together despite the grief and betrayal, all for not. My two little ones were sleeping upstairs and it absolutely killed me to think of them...how incredibly frustrating that my wife cannot see out of the fog she has been in. She continues to deflect and make it all about me...how wasn't here for so long/etc - I actually think she believes much of what she says, how this is primarily my fault, as the alternative is: she is a serial cheat, has a serious drinking problem, and likely some emotional/mental issues in need of addressing - all of which are serious and troublesome, therefore, she does what she has been doing, deflect and place blame on me.

She acknowledged how I have been an incredible father/husband during this mess, but then says she needed me to be like this for the past few years...too little, too late. I reminded her that our problems leading up to TOMs 1-3, were a two way street...and rather than focus on the marriage, she acted out...no acceptable excuse whatsoever - and despite my efforts, she tried to reconnect with TOM 3 - again she focused on how I knew about this/invading her privacy/etc That said, I explained I have been trying to move beyond the woes of the past and focus on the present/future - repair the marriage and keep the family intact...as it was all worth saving. 

She asked if my actions of late, since having her served, were because of instructions from my lawyer...wow. No, they were sincere efforts on my part to be civil, coupled with the sliver of hope I had for reconciliation.

This went back and forth for a while, same old dialogue...primarily my fault, invading her privacy, all of our friends think I treat her poorly, etc...etc...etc. I reminded her of the past verbal/emotional abuse which set her off: "your an a$$hole...I hate you...I can't stand you...I want a divorce...I can't wait to be apart from you...". Understand this is her normal MO when drinking and getting into a fight. I have heard this for years. Eventually, she apologizes and we make up. Not this time, I am so very tapped out and just want to move on and be happy and at peace. My heart so very much weeps for my children...and I weep for myself, as I love my family.

She later then hemmed and hawed, lets go see the MC, she is going to ride this out and see how it goes, etc. I told her no. Either you (she) is all in to fix this mess or not...there is no waiting to see, I have been waiting for her to snap out of it for 8 months. I said we need to look into selling the house, moving forward with divorce asap, because I can't stand this BS and roller coaster anymore. She made mention that she is going to buy me out of the house (borrow $ from her wealthy mother) - this is good news, especially in this market and for our kids, minimizing the disruption (and I can get my share of the equity much, much sooner - allowing me to move out sooner, rather than later).

I am now contemplating the nuclear option, letting friends/associates know what is going on - she is fearful of this and for some reason wants to uphold the image of a happy/successful family. I see no point in this charade. I want people to know, as she is going to paint this as my fault.

I tried, I so very much tried.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Wow you have been through hell but your resolve is sounding so much stronger - your wife is creating a toxic environment for you - I agree the sooner you can get out the better...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm sorry but your situation will always be toxic if she continues to deny the effects her actions have. You are right to proceed with divorce. Let her buy you out. That will help out a ton.. Give you money to get your own place. Keep fighting for it but your a better man then I would be. I wouldn't but up with 1 affair very less 3..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CC,

You should let friends and family know. These are the people that will continue to be your support system. Reverse the circumstances, hell I don't think you even need to reverse them ... she would and will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.

You aren't throwing her under the bus, by telling people what is going on. You are telling the truth. Your marriage was having difficulties, and your wife chose to pursue other relationships instead of repairing the marriage. 
I had a clear rule. I told everyone the truth, but I clarified that didn't mean it was open season on my wife. I wasn't providing the information so that people could dog-pile the mother of my children. However, once told, my friends and family felt free to open up about how they felt about my wife and our marriage all along - and few of them were surprised that we were divorcing. The circumstances didn't much matter.

You are at the place where all of the anger, frustration, and sadness about what the outcome might be, is now what the outcome will be. It is the emotional equivalent of fighting for 12 rounds, telling yourself to stay on your feet - and then having a house dropped on you. Continue using your resources. Friends, family, therapy, posting, journaling. 

Continue being strong for your kids. Your ability to be a father to your children - and this may draw ire from some, but it is the truth, and you need to believe it - has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. Be noble, be honest, be available, and continue to parent them.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is YOUR life too...tell whomever you want! 

You were strong in putting your foot down..."either your all in or not." Good for you.

Next time she's been drinking and wants to talk...say "later." Nothing good comes from conversations involving alcohol. Half the time my H didn't remember what was said. Waste my time and breath huh?!

Remain strong in this...it's serving you well.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Keep posting ConfusedinColumbus.. I've been following your story for awhile now. As heartbreaking and tough as it is on you, I'm also nearing that point where I'll probably have to find the strength and courage to divorce, so your story and the turmoil you are going through are giving me a glimpse of my possible future and what to prepare for. Thank you for sharing.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Columbus - Our stories are very similar, although my husband is the clueless one with the drinking problem. The main difference is that my husband did not cheat - I don't think I could take that on top of everything else. He has had several "girlfriends" over the years - female friends that I didn't know about that he would hang out with, lend a shoulder to, etc. All the while, of course, he would never talk to me like that - so that part still hurt. Our kids are also grown, which makes an end to our marriage a little less complicated. 

I don't have any great advice for you, but I wish you the best and just wanted to let you know that there is yet another person out here that is going through all the same things.

Hang in there - somewhere I hope there is a happy ending for us both - with our without our spouses.

Sandy


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Thanks for everyone's continued insight/advice/support, so very much appreciated (and needed).

Almost a week since my last post wherein I described her going off the hook.

The following AM she cornered me and apologized. She gave me a hug and said she did not mean what she said and was so very sorry. I acknowledged her apology and left for work. The apology-ridden texts next followed, with references to reconciliation and how great/fantastic/adoring/etc I have been of late (of late...WTF?). Whatever...none of the aforementioned resulted in a response from me. That PM when I arrived home, she had her wedding band on and while it was slightly tense, it was an uneventful evening...spent together as a family.

The next day (weekend), not only did she sport her wedding band/engagement ring, we spent family time out at a local fair where she repeatedly introduced me as her "husband" and referenced our recent anniversary...setting up a dinner date with some of those I was introduced to/etc...WTF? That night we stayed in, she made a wonderful dinner, said she loved me (did not reciprocate), and we ended of up having sex...she initiated again (lingerie and the whole bit). <sigh>

Sun AM - sex again in the AM and then big family breakfast and wonderful (but somewhat weird) family time. She then proceeds to ask me to attend a social event with her that afternoon...I blew the invite off...until the THIRD time she asked me to go after which I agreed. Again wearing her wedding band/engagement ring (I have not worn mine since filing) she runs around introducing me to others and making plans for future dates with the aforementioned. She has a few glasses of wine and then we head home. 

During the drive home she starts crying and apologizes for all that has happened...breaking up the family/marriage/etc. She says such an apology probably doesn't mean much...as difficult as it was for me not to pull the car over and embrace her and tell her it will all be OK, I simply say "it is a step in the right direction" (with regards to the value of her apology). Once home she starts making a nice dinner and then tells me she loves me and how we should reconsider the divorce. I responded that we have a lot of work cut out for us, but we can work through it if we so chose...and left it at that. 

I swear I married Cybil.

This week as been up and down. Our lawyers pushed for a meeting this Fri, my wife clearly did not want such a meeting and told her lawyer that there are whispers of reconciliation and I said the same to my lawyer. That said, we are both working on our financial worksheets/affidavits and getting our ducks in order (so much fun...not!). 

So, no legal meeting this Friday - put it off for a few weeks. However, during the course of a phone conversation today, we spoke of the prospect of reconciliation...during which time she said, and I quote: "...if you had acted as you are now years ago, we wouldn't be where we are today". <sigh>...two steps forward, five backward. 

Firstly, I explained that the manner in which I have been acting since filing is the SAME as over the LAST 8 MONTHS (less the initial anger). Further, I told her I am not going to try and reconcile if that is where her head is....that is, my fault/up to me to fix/etc...same deflection and avoidance, different day. She then backed up and said it was a compliment...I called BS and told her that this late in the game, if she is not going to accept responsibility for her actions/etc and commit to doing WHATEVER it takes, I am marching forward as fast as I can toward divorce and told her to get the funds to buy me out of the house asap, because I want to get away from this roller coaster. 

We are going to see the MC on Monday - she set up the appt., but really not sure what good it is going to do (we are supposed to go out to a wine tasting/dinner afterward...LMAO).

I will continue to keep up what I have been doing, although it is becoming increasingly difficult/taxing...but seems easier/better than the alternative. All the while prepping for divorce (looking for a new home, etc) and focusing on ME - thanks be to the good Lord above for the gym, martial arts, and Irish pubs that serve a fine pint of Guinness. 

My guess, she is scared of being a twice divorced (cheated on both husbands) single mother of two (early 40s), taking a financial beating, being alone, and her status in the community once word gets out what happened. None of which are reasons for me to stay.

Only time will tell whether she is going to step up to the plate or not...it is the bottom of the 9th inning.

Tick...tock....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are doing great - I am so impressed with your ability to stay clear and strong - keep on going - stand your ground


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LOL! I'm loving how this story is turning out. Right on!:smthumbup:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are extremely strong in regards to her enticements! You must be commended.

I sense that you feel that she is wanting back "in" for other reasons...and not TRUE reconciliation. 

The roller coaster is what really eats you alive. I told me H recentaly..."when you moved out..it was like a black cloud left the house. I didn't have to walk on eggshells and I didn't have to go places with a cardboard box." He was so detached from me. I finally got to breathe when he left. 

Your wife seems different...not sure if she's detached. I don't get that from what you write. I get that you think she's playing a game.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Buddy, we married very similar women. After 2+ years of on and off, I'm mostly done, so that's my bias. 

There is a very clear healing path from infidelity that involves transparency, honesty, self-awareness (by her), and disclosure, which will allow you to feel safe, so you can heal. She's not doing any of those things.

In an active affair, you need to get through the fog before the healing can start. The affair needs to end first. She may be active in an affair right now, which may be causing the crazy behavior. If she is, until that ends and you get some disclosure, nothing will change. If she isn't, then the next step is contrition on her part. 

You're allowing yourself to get drawn back to her through sex. A good counselor once told me that "hope keeps all suffering in place." You are using hope to keep this going, when you should be using objectivity.

Objectively, she is doing none of things to rebuild after infidelity. She isn't transparent, truthful or remorseful. You have no idea of what really happened, and those unanswered questions will haunt you.

When is she going to start doing what you need her to do for you to heal? Answer honestly...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you hit it right. She looked at herself and said damn I am not going to do better. Still you were right to put her in her place.. Most men in your situation would have avoided confrontation. Including me. So that's great you stayed strong. It might have hurt alittle now but will bounce back after she thinks about it.. She might face it quicker now... Good work..


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi there - been reading this thread. 

It seems like on several levels she is really trying - but you keep rejecting her and she is understandably confused. Her back and forth has as much to do with YOUR behavior as hers. 

Tell her you are confused. Tell her you would love to work things out but don't know if you two can get there. Let her know that you want to work things out. STOP spying on her! you can never rebuild trust if you keep up that kind of controlling behavior. 

Yes, i know she cheated on you. But I can't think of one instance that the cheater didn't have some kind of reason to be reaching out for something they weren't getting at home. Think about that. What she did wasn't right, but it was at least partially caused by YOU. you both need to change to fix things, not just her. 

Her back and forth seems not so much to me like a Cybil, but like a confused woman who keeps getting rejected when she tries to make things good and right. 

Are you telling her how much you love and appreciate HER efforts? Are you letting her know how much that means to you?
Are you telling her you are confused right now but would love to be able to start with a clean slate too?

Here's an idea - BOTH of you, write down 10 things you can do for each other this week that would make you feel loved, appreciated and wanted. And no smarmy stuff. "don't cheat on me" is begging for a fight and says you aren't serious. 

At the end of the week, revisit the list. Tell each other how you felt about it. Don't go into the cheating, or her reasons why or any of that. Let that part GO for now. There will be plenty of time to examine that in the future when the both of you aren't so much on eggshells. 

Just my opinion. 

Good luck and good love. 

The only time love fails, is when we stop loving. 

Hugs to you both


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> Tell her you are confused. Tell her you would love to work things out but don't know if you two can get there. Let her know that you want to work things out. STOP spying on her! you can never rebuild trust if you keep up that kind of controlling behavior.
> 
> Yes, i know she cheated on you. But I can't think of one instance that the cheater didn't have some kind of reason to be reaching out for something they weren't getting at home. Think about that. What she did wasn't right, but it was at least partially caused by YOU. you both need to change to fix things, not just her.


I've got to disagree with above, unless you have a strong enough ego to be with a woman that's seeing another man on the side. Affairs keep going as long as they are tolerated. While it's true your crazy behavior is confusing for her, and the spying puts a wedge between you, that's because she doesn't want to get caught and she has things to hide. Now, you can't control her, and in a perfect world SHE'D be transparent with you to help YOU rebuild trust, but she's either not in that headspace or not mature enough to do it. 

I guess the real question is can you live with her and love her through this period where she is extremely unloving to you, without getting any safety or assurances in return? Is the cost to you personally in emotional damage, worth the result?

Plus, it's basically a dice roll: Some women respond to a firm line (where others view it as controlling and it drives them away), others need to be gently seduced back into the relationship (where others view it as weakness and it repels them). How do you know which path to take?


BTW: The affair wasn't caused by you. That's just a cruel thing to say. You don't control her, just as she isn't controlled by you. Her choices are hers.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Snix,

I'm not looking to get into it, really. I wish I could see what you see - but I just don't. I'm willing to accept that each side being unwilling or unable to see 'effort' is a big contributor to why we can't reconnect and make these things work.

But what is it that you see that indicates 'she is really trying' and that CC is rejecting her?

CC and his spouse are caught in that wretched death spiral of: 
Him: "I'm asking you to change your behavior so that we can work on trust and salvage our marriage."

Her: "Why do I have to change? What changes are you going to make? You just want to control me, and I won't allow it."
She's not commited to resolving the issues, she is commited to 'winning'

Whether the participants are playing at 'he said, she said' or 'score-keeping', it doesn't matter, either one is the kiss of death.
Both parties have to surrender themselves to the process - and you aren't inclined to do that if you believe you're just going to get burned again.

He acknowledges deficiencies and works on them. In return he asks her to be an open book. She sees his request as controlling and refuses to comply.

She screams at him, and verbally abuses him and threatens divorce when she feels challenged or called out about her behavior or issues with alcohol.

CC gets fed up with her lack of effort and files for divorce. She is stunned, and begins offering kind words and loving gestures.

He is understandably leery, and wants to hear her clearly state that she is willing to do whatever is necessary to salvage the marriage - that's not what she chooses to do. So he plans to follow through. How is that a rejection?


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Quick update:

After much soul searching, discussions, and joint counseling/etc, I decided to call off the divorce and give the marriage another try. It would be difficult to proceed with counseling/reconciliation with the cloud of the divorce hanging over our heads (counselor's recommendation). 

I was at a place where I had accepted what was happening and therefore, very hesitant to withdraw the divorce papers. However, the progress my wife made - actions FINALLY mirrored her words, gave me reason to pause and slow things down...figured I had everything to gain and nothing to lose (less possible heartache , a gamble I was/am willing to take).

It appears as if the finality and reality of me filling for divorce hit home with her and as she herself said "she is beginning to see out of the fog"...those were the words I needed to hear. Additionally, I think she saw the confidence I had and the resolution to move on w/out her. Understand, we have ALOT of issues to work through (trust, her drinking, etc), but we are heading in the right direction. She tossed the 2nd phone, back to her old unlocked iPhone and email accounts - I have haven't checked either in a long time. We have hit a few minor speed bumps since, but nothing major. I still have "flash backs", but trying to deal with it and taking each day as it comes. I continue to work on the things that are in need of my attention.

I will briefly add that I confronted the most recent TOM, something I needed to do. I did this under the belief that we were divorcing and doing so would not be advantage or disadvantageous for the relationtship. The only reason I did this was because as a man, it was simply something I had to do. There are some different schools of thought on this, but again, as a man, I had to do it...glad I did...I almost felt bad for the guy as he almost $hit himself. lol....I no longer have to worry about him even glancing in my wife's direction. IMHO, nothing wrong at all with going "old school" when needed. 

I will try to pen the things I learned and post when I have a few extra minutes. 

Thanks to all of those who have provided insight and sage advice during this almost 1 year journey. I wish you all the best of luck...hang in there.

CC


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is she still drinking?

If it were me - a condition of any type of counseling would be she is sober. You cannot fix a broken marriage with an actively drinking spouse who has an alcohol problem. 






ConfusedinColumbus said:


> This AM my wife sent a text asking if I wanted to go to the marriage counselor to see if our marriage is salvageable or if not, help us navigate these waters in a manner best suited for our kids. I waited some time and thought about it...I agreed, and told her to make the appt. She said she would and then proceeds to inquire as to how I am "feeling".
> 
> There is a mandatory and extended "cooling off period" before the divorce is final, so I really don't see a down side to seeing the marriage counselor (our new one is quite good, but we only saw her twice - see previous posts). But the mixed messages (e.g., slept in the same bed again last night, aforementioned texts, etc) really are challenging, that is, difficult to process and understand...resulting in continued confusion.
> 
> However, my defenses are up and I am still going forward with the divorce unless I am given an extremely powerful reason not to...been down this road before (see previous posts).


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