# I'm still in love with my ex and I'm considering divorce



## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

I've been married to my husband for 7yrs and have two beautiful children. He is a good husband and would do any thing for me. I've been racked with guilt about never getting over my ex boyfriend. We were passionately in love, but 10yrs ago we split up because he was addicted to drugs and I wanted to clean up my act. I was still madly in love with him but I thought I would get over him in time. I went on with the motions of getting on with my life, I met a nice guy and got married, had kids ect. I love my husband but not with same fire. He is also autistic and has trouble communicating his feelings which makes me really lonely at times. His action show he loves me though. I keep waiting for the pain to fade over walking away from my ex but is never left. Recently he contacted me telling me how much he regrets screwing things up, he's clean now and a changed person. He told me I am his soul mate and he would never get over me. There's never been any pressure on me he respects that I'm married and doesn't want to split up my family, but I know he is in the same pain as I am. We have been talking a lot, and met for coffee once. I have told my husband how I feel and he has been really understanding. I believe in marriage being forever but now I am so torn. I would go against everything I beleive in to leave my marriage but I feel like I can't live without my ex and that that feeling will never go away. I'm tired of being in so much pain but I'm so scared of loosing my best friend (husband) and throwing away the life I built with my family. I'm so torn. I wish I could change how I feel but I can't shut it off. Can I ever move on and make my marriage work? 
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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> I have told my husband how I feel and he has been really understanding.


Did you also tell him that you're hung up on your ex? Did you tell him that you've been speaking w/ your ex?



Daydreamer84 said:


> Can I ever move on and make my marriage work?


Not as long as you're talking w/ your ex, no.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Yes and yes, I have been completely honest with my husband. Obviously if I can find a glimmer of hope in saving my marriage I will stop contact with my ex. I just think my husband deserves better than what I can give him.
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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Yes and yes, I have been completely honest with my husband. Obviously if I can find a glimmer of hope in saving my marriage I will stop contact with my ex.


This thinking is flawed. You've got it backwards. You don't save your marriage and THEN stop talking w/ your ex... you stop talking w/ your ex FIRST.

For as long as you're in any sort of contact w/ your ex, you're not going to be able to salvage your marriage in any meaningful way. 



Daydreamer84 said:


> I just think my husband deserves better than what I can give him.


Remains to be seen. Either way, these are the words of a woman determined to leave her marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Yes and yes, I have been completely honest with my husband. Obviously if I can find a glimmer of hope in saving my marriage I will stop contact with my ex. I just think my husband deserves better than what I can give him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From the sounds of things, there isn't anything to save in your marriage. It doesn't sound bad. 

But you pining over an ex? That's a different matter entirely.

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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Sounds crushing....

People change and love too. It's unfortunate how this ex can have a conversation 10yrs later with you while you're settled in a marriage with 2 children, not just let it be. I find that pretty selfish on his part to reopen something he should've kept to himself... Now you're questioning your life now for someone who's a has been.... 

I wouldn't act. I would seek counseling and talk with a therapist. I would possibly work through whatever issues have come about in your marriage, try attempting first to save your marriage. I would remove all contact with ex until you truly give your marriage a real shot.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is this the role model you want to be for your children, look if you guys had no children, then fine, divorce and move on to the ex, but this is bigger then just your own needs. i think your being selfish, i get your present husband is not your ex, but your ex is not him as well....you can count on him (husband) to be a good husband and father, you can't me for certain that the ex has the same qualities..


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Did you also tell him that you're hung up on your ex? Did you tell him that you've been speaking w/ your ex?
> 
> 
> 
> Not as long as you're talking w/ your ex, no.





farsidejunky said:


> From the sounds of things, there isn't anything to save in your marriage. It doesn't sound bad.
> 
> But you pining over an ex? That's a different matter entirely.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


My marriage is far from perfect, I just don't wish to bag my husband out since in the grand scheme of things I have far more guilt. He is an alchaholic, has extreme anger issues and fails to connect with me on an emotional level or even try. All round he's a good guy I just think we both married the wrong person.
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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> My marriage is far from perfect, I just don't wish to bag my husband out since in the grand scheme of things I have far more guilt. He is an alchaholic, has extreme anger issues and fails to connect with me on an emotional level or even try. All round he's a good guy I just think we both married the wrong person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So both your ex boyfriend and your current husband have issues with addiction?

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Why now? Why did it take him this long to figure out what he wants? What was he doing all this time?

I find it very suspicious that when your life is settled and you have a good H and family, that he is now realizing what he is missing. I think he is selfish and thinks he can get what he wants. He knows that you will jump at the chance to be with him. I bet if you leave your H and went with him, he will quickly find a reason to dump you. 

When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.

You want to save your marriage?

Put your fantasies of a blissful life with this man, behind you. Stop dreaming of ever after and dancing in the moonlight. It's not real. It will never be real because he is a selfish asz who thinks he has power over you.

Don't throw out your marriage because you think you can recapture something from the past. Because when you wake up, it will be to a nightmare. Be honest with yourself.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

New_Beginnings said:


> Sounds crushing....
> 
> People change and love too. It's unfortunate how this ex can have a conversation 10yrs later with you while you're settled in a marriage with 2 children, not just let it be. I find that pretty selfish on his part to reopen something he should've kept to himself... Now you're questioning your life now for someone who's a has been....
> 
> I wouldn't act. I would seek counseling and talk with a therapist. I would possibly work through whatever issues have come about in your marriage, try attempting first to save your marriage. I would remove all contact with ex until you truly give your marriage a real shot.


Thankyou I think this is good advice. My husband isn't keen on councelling but i think I might push it. Things have never been closed with my ex, honestly I don't think there's been a single day I haven't thought of him, I think I made a huge mistake thinking that getting married would make me get over him, maybe it's now my responsibility to live with that decision I guess. I just don't know how to stop feeling for him. I've tried sooooo hard.
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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> You are saying that your husband is an alcoholic, has extreme anger issues and doesn't meet your emotional needs. Why would you want to stay in this marriage if he apparently makes you so miserable? Or based on what I've learned from TAM, are you now finding fault in your husband so you can blame him for your desire to leave him and diminish your guilt and responsibility. Something to think about.


I'm aware of this, I dont think its that. I've always been unhappy in my marriage but never considered it an option to leave. It's not like he cheats on me he's a good provider, he's never hit me ect. I've begged him in the past to love me the way I need him to but he said he can't. I don't think this is his fault. I feel like I'm the problem and I expect him to make me feel loved like my ex did. He's not my ex, my marriage could be worse I'm just ungrateful. I also don't blame him, this 100% on me, I am aware how terrible this is, a am desperate to change the way I feel if I could figure out how.
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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Why now? Why did it take him this long to figure out what he wants? What was he doing all this time?
> 
> I find it very suspicious that when your life is settled and you have a good H and family, that he is now realizing what he is missing. I think he is selfish and thinks he can get what he wants. He knows that you will jump at the chance to be with him. I bet if you leave your H and went with him, he will quickly find a reason to dump you.
> 
> ...


I know how it sounds but it's not like that at all.
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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Daydreamer84 said:


> I know how it sounds but it's not like that at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, what do you think it's like? Explain why you think you should leave your marriage and choose him.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

When you leave your husband and things do not work out with your soul mate, move on and do not try to get back with him.

He should only have to go through this once.
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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> So both your ex boyfriend and your current husband have issues with addiction?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Yep, i can pick em. My ex went through rehab a few years ago and is completely clean, I 100% trust him on this his whole attitude has changed. My husband only slowed down after I threatened to leave a few years ago. He promised to go to AA which he hasn't done but he has really toned it down but he still drinks behind my back often. He is trying I think.
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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Daydreamer84 said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds crushing....
> ...



You fell for your husband hard enough to have two children with. I would place your children's needs first and primarily the happiness as a whole with your family. It's not just you anymore. If your husband is a good husband, great father then you have more than most are waiting for. 

As another poster stated, where has this ex been for 10yrs? Why now? I also agree that ex's tend to pop up, when someone is settled and they find themselves alone...

I personally have had a few ex's reach out through social media. I told my husband, this is what happens when they are watching their friends go off and get married, they're left lonely. They come crawling back to whatever they knew (old Gfs) with words to pull you back in... Don't fall for it. Your family deserves better. If your husband has a drinking problem, then help give the support to him facing his addiction. I wouldn't uproot your family life for a possibility..


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Decorum said:


> When you leave your husband and things do not work out with your soul mate, move on and do not try to get back with him.
> 
> He should only have to go through this once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I full heartedly agree with this. 

Whatever you decide, don't go crawling back after the fairy tale ending doesn't go as planned... It will hurt enough once. The repair will be much harder the second time around.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> So, what do you think it's like? Explain why you think you should leave your marriage and choose him.


It would take me a lot to explain, but I'll try. We were both screwed up when we split, it wasn't just him, he has waited for so long because of my marriage, he couldn't take the pain any longer. Selfish yes, but I understand it. He didn't come right out and tell me, he only told me how he felt after I told him I was miserable. It might sound far fetched and suspicious to you but I know him well and he's not like that. If I could forget about him I would, I've tried for ten years now, even without contact I have regularly broken down in tears over losing him.
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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Daydreamer84 said:


> My husband isn't keen on councelling but i think I might push it. Things have never been closed with my ex, honestly I don't think there's been a single day I haven't thought of him, I think I made a huge mistake thinking that getting married would make me get over him, maybe it's now my responsibility to live with that decision I guess. I just don't know how to stop feeling for him. I've tried sooooo hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't suppress feelings or thoughts; they will just come back stronger.

If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then it is only going to minimize its ability to work, which is already low.



> I've always been unhappy in my marriage but never considered it an option to leave. It's not like he cheats on me he's a good provider, he's never hit me ect. I've begged him in the past to love me the way I need him to but he said he can't. I don't think this is his fault. I feel like I'm the problem and I expect him to make me feel loved like my ex did. He's not my ex, my marriage could be worse I'm just ungrateful. I also don't blame him, this 100% on me, I am aware how terrible this is, a am desperate to change the way I feel if I could figure out how.


You feel how you feel. Do you also wish you were a different person? The idea of the typical male provider is very outdated. We are in a new day with a new marriage model and men are expected, and better served, to be there emotionally. If he can't, then he wont'.

You are constantly going to compare your husband to your ex, which is unhealthy for you and him.


I'll tell you from my male perspective that the last thing I want my partner to do is stay because she needs my income. If she didn't feel passionately in love, I would want her to move on, and I would be there financially for her.



> Recently he contacted me telling me how much he regrets screwing things up, he's clean now and a changed person. He told me I am his soul mate and he would never get over me. There's never been any pressure on me he respects that I'm married and doesn't want to split up my family, but I know he is in the same pain as I am.


That is adding pressure, though.



> Can I ever move on and make my marriage work?


Stop trying to force things. What you are doing is akin to putting two similarly polarized objects in close proximity. What happens? You get push back.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Daydreamer84 said:


> It would take me a lot to explain, but I'll try. We were both screwed up when we split, it wasn't just him, he has waited for so long because of my marriage, he couldn't take the pain any longer. Selfish yes, but I understand it. He didn't come right out and tell me, he only told me how he felt after I told him I was miserable. It might sound far fetched and suspicious to you but I know him well and he's not like that. If I could forget about him I would, I've tried for ten years now, even without contact I have regularly broken down in tears over losing him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like your mind is made up...good luck


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You can't suppress feelings or thoughts; they will just come back stronger.
> 
> If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then it is only going to minimize its ability to work, which is already low.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is what my husband has expressed. He told me he know I cant help my feelings and understands. Him being so good about it has only made me feel more guilty. He has told me he can't change and he doesn't think he can make me happy. But he is willing to stay with me if that's what I choose. I still feel so torn because I know it's the wrong thing and I hate myself for feeling this way.
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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Good luck darling. I think you have made your choice.

I have concluded that people will do what they want to do. They will try to reason away and explain away their decision. Because : 
1. their are afraid of their choices
2. they need to explain away the pain their action has caused
3. they need to justify what they did.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Good luck darling. I think you have made your choice.
> 
> I have concluded that people will do what they want to do. They will try to reason away and explain away why their decision. Because :
> 1. their are afraid of their choices
> ...


Actually I haven't made a decision, I was simply saying ex isn't the ass he sounds like. What I really want is by somes miracle someone has some fantastic advice on how to forget my ex so I can start again with my husband and somehow build something meaningful out of our marriage. Yes I want to run off into the sunset with my ex but I know it's wrong, I also don't want to continue in a marraige that is a sham
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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Thank you. This is what my husband has expressed. He told me he know I cant help my feelings and understands. Him being so good about it has only made me feel more guilty. He has told me he can't change and he doesn't think he can make me happy. But he is willing to stay with me if that's what I choose. I still feel so torn because I know it's the wrong thing and I hate myself for feeling this way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does the number 4 hate the number 2? It just is and 2 is part of the number 4. You feel how you feel, Daydreamer.



> What I really want is by somes miracle someone has some fantastic advice on how to forget my ex so I can start again with my husband and somehow build something meaningful out of our marriage.


The best advice I can give is:

The traditional theory of emotions is backwards. It isn't that I make others happy or that others make me happy; I make myself happy, based on my perceptions and interactions in the world. What "makes" me happy is the love I give to my partner. I will never feel helplessly in love, if I don't give. Give. Do it without condition. If, at that point, you don't feel the natural magnetic attraction, then it is just incompatibility.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Does the number 4 hate the number 2? It just is and 2 is part of the number 4. You feel how you feel, Daydreamer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thankyou this is good advice. Maybe I could hold of making a decision for a while, stop contact and try pouring my self into being the best wife I can be and focus on making him happy . I feel like I've been giving my all for a long time but Im sure I could try harder. 
I thought that if I could get my ex out of my mind that I could try be responsible for my own happiness instead of relying on my husband to make me happy, and that some how the rest might fall into place? I know that I need to forget about my ex or choose him, I can't continue in this limbo, forgetting him would be preferable in my situation but I really don't know how..
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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

It's about leaving the past alone. That's what happens in life, people can grow and not at the same time. Im sure it was easy to inform him that you weren't happy, in hopes he still cares since you've thought about him throughout the years. You might not forget your first love (or whatever you want to call him). I can say you have to stop trying to compare him to your husband and or whatever love you felt for him. You both were addicts back then, correct? I'm not sure how he was your soul mate if you both clearly needed to find yourselves... drugs will have you feeling that you had a passion filled relationship. If anything wish him well and maybe you needed some sort of closure. I wouldn't keep in communication with this ex.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Thankyou this is good advice. Maybe I could hold of making a decision for a while, stop contact and try pouring my self into being the best wife I can be and focus on making him happy . I feel like I've been giving my all for a long time but Im sure I could try harder.
> I thought that if I could get my ex out of my mind that I could try be responsible for my own happiness instead of relying on my husband to make me happy, and that some how the rest might fall into place? I know that I need to forget about my ex or choose him, I can't continue in this limbo, forgetting him would be preferable in my situation but I really don't know how..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your ex is not the person you fantasize/romanticize about him being. Especially if he is an addict. I reunited with the man who was my first love ever, we married within 5 months. It was crazy how wonderful and perfect he was for me, and how perfect we were together...he divorced me less than a year later to remarry his first wife. So be warned. You are looking at throwing your life away for a pipe dream. Now, IF you and your husband really are having serious issues, then you need to work on ending it on its own merit, if ending it is really what needs to be done for you both.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Let me ask you this: What do you expect the result be if you divorce. Would you leave all assets behind except for pension/401K? Would you give him primary custody of the kids ? Would you pay him child support ? 

You description of your husband sounds like cake-eating and rewriting. It would appear you are laying the foundation for justifying a divorce. 

Oh not wanting to break up your marriage? REALLY THEN WHY REACH OUT TO YPU AT ALL??? This is what he wrote: hey babe know you married, but thought what the heck we had great sex want to .... He is playing you.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Let me ask you this: What do you expect the result be if you divorce. Would you leave all assets behind except for pension/401K? Would you give him primary custody of the kids ? Would you pay him child support ?
> 
> You description of your husband sounds like cake-eating and rewriting. It would appear you are laying the foundation for justifying a divorce.
> 
> Oh not wanting to break up your marriage? REALLY THEN WHY REACH OUT TO YPU AT ALL??? This is what he wrote: hey babe know you married, but thought what the heck we had great sex want to .... He is playing you.


 I didn't intend to take anything I didn't bring with me when we married. As for the kids? He doesn't want them, he's a good father but he never wanted kids, he would be able to see them as much as he wanted. 
My description of my husband is not cake eating, I never bagged him out because this isn't about his problems and I don't feel the need to justify myself to strangers. If my marraige is so great why would I consider leaving him?
My ex has never mentioned sex, and we were engaged before its not the picture you painted at all. He wasn't some fling from the past.
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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Daydreamer84 said:


> I'm aware of this, I dont think its that. I've always been unhappy in my marriage but never considered it an option to leave. It's not like he cheats on me he's a good provider, he's never hit me ect. I've begged him in the past to love me the way I need him to but he said he can't. *I don't think this is his fault*. I feel like I'm the problem and I expect him to make me feel loved like my ex did. He's not my ex, my marriage could be worse I'm just ungrateful. I also don't blame him, this 100% on me, I am aware how terrible this is, a am desperate to change the way I feel if I could figure out how.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No it is not his fault. It is yours. You knowingly entered into a marriage with a man who has a learning/developmental disability. If he is Aspergers or high functioning ASD, then he was born this way and there is no known therapy that can cure it. He is never going to be the man you want him to be. 

You knew going into this marriage that you were hedging your bets on a man who would never be able to emotionally support you. The same as hiring a blind man to pilot a plane. 

Insisting that he go to inpatient treatment, followed by three to four nights a week at AA could go a long way in helping him with his alcoholism, but as a recovering alcoholic and an AA facilitator, I can tell you that I have had group members with ASD and they have incredible difficulties staying sober, simply because they lack self-awareness. 

I'm not trying to be mean, just to make you sit and think about what is really going on here. You are talking yourself into betraying your husband. 

He understands what is going on you say? C'mon....you know enough about his disability to know that is not true. He has no concept of what you are doing, or the way you are about to betray him. Well, you already have betrayed him.... by emotionally re-connecting with your ex. 

I have seen this play out here on TAM before. Generally when a person gets this close to the precipice there is no holding them back from jumping. IT is very clear that you have written your husband off. Yeah, I get that you love him... like you love a brother or your dad. But you don't love him like a husband or a lover. You feel that kind of love for your ex. Your husband lost this fight before he even married you. 

Cut the platitudes and be honest with us: you have already made your decision. There is* no* way you are *not* going to go to your ex and start a physical affair with him. But you can delay it. 

Please be kind and divorce your husband before you hook back up with your ex. Please don't drag him through the mud and humiliate him. He doesn't have the ability to fight this or to understand what is happening the way a non-ASD man would. It would be cruel to do that to him. 

Tell your husband you are divorcing him so that you can go and be with the man you love. Give your husband a very fair divorce.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

New_Beginnings said:


> It's about leaving the past alone. That's what happens in life, people can grow and not at the same time. Im sure it was easy to inform him that you weren't happy, in hopes he still cares since you've thought about him throughout the years. You might not forget your first love (or whatever you want to call him). I can say you have to stop trying to compare him to your husband and or whatever love you felt for him. You both were addicts back then, correct? I'm not sure how he was your soul mate if you both clearly needed to find yourselves... drugs will have you feeling that you had a passion filled relationship. If anything wish him well and maybe you needed some sort of closure. I wouldn't keep in communication with this ex.


We weren't really addicts through our relationship, more young, experimental and stupid. We were living together, for a year, we were straight for a good portion of that. We were engaged and planning our future together. Then I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I decided it was time to grow up, he decided to get high. That's when it became a real problem. He tried to quit but kept going back to it,it was hard to watch and I walked away. He begged me to stay, he got into it hard after I left so I never went back. Drugs never made our relationship they destroyed it. He went through rehab and has been clean for a few years.
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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> No it is not his fault. It is yours. You knowingly entered into a marriage with a man who has a learning/developmental disability. If he is Aspergers or high functioning ASD, then he was born this way and there is no known therapy that can cure it. He is never going to be the man you want him to be.
> 
> You knew going into this marriage that you were hedging your bets on a man who would never be able to emotionally support you. The same as hiring a blind man to pilot a plane.
> 
> ...


You are completely right it was unfair and wreckless to marry him in the first place. I honestly thought I would be happy with him and make happy at the time. I actually have high functioning Aspergers so I do get it. He wasn't diagnosed when I met him, He is very high functioning and has only been diagnosed in last few years, he doesn't beleive he has it, though the diagnosis explained a lot to me. I have no intention of beginning an affair before I am divorced, it has just brought to light the emensity of my mistake in marrying him. Your right that I only love him like a brother or friend, but it wasn't always that way, though it has always been how it was for him. I think he though that was 'normal' love. Again not his fault I know.
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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Thankyou I think this is good advice. My husband isn't keen on councelling but i think I might push it. Things have never been closed with my ex, honestly I don't think there's been a single day I haven't thought of him, I think I made a huge mistake thinking that getting married would make me get over him, maybe it's now my responsibility to live with that decision I guess. I just don't know how to stop feeling for him. I've tried sooooo hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Daydreamer84 said:


> You are completely right it was unfair and wreckless to marry him in the first place. I honestly thought I would be happy with him and make happy at the time. I actually have high functioning Aspergers so I do get it. He wasn't diagnosed when I met him, He is very high functioning and has only been diagnosed in last few years, he doesn't beleive he has it, though the diagnosis explained a lot to me. I have no intention of beginning an affair before I am divorced, it has just brought to light the emensity of my mistake in marrying him. Your right that I only love him like a brother or friend, but it wasn't always that way, though it has always been how it was for him. I think he though that was 'normal' love. Again not his fault I know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have no intention of starting and affair? Geez, you've already done that! Can't you read your own words?

You're going back to an addict? That's genius! Oh, I forgot, he's been clean a few years. I've heard that before, too.

Married a guy and had kids, now you never loved him and think "he deserves better"?????
Classic cheater speak. Rewrite the marriage and claim you're leaving because he deserves better.

Yep, he does.

"If my marriage is so great, why would I want to leave??"
Yep, you've spent a lot of time justifying in your mind the bad deed that you're doing. I hope you enjoy the addict.

As said, when the addict isn't all that, don't go begging your husband to let you come back to the "miserable marriage"


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Daydreamer84 said:


> My marriage is far from perfect, I just don't wish to bag my husband out since in the grand scheme of things I have far more guilt. He is an alchaholic, has extreme anger issues and fails to connect with me on an emotional level or even try. All round he's a good guy I just think we both married the wrong person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's probably angry because he was duped into marrying a woman who really didn't love him, just wanted a "nice guy" to play her caretaker and checkbook until bad boy ex rode up on his bike to sweep her off her feet.

I mean can you blame the guy?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No man will 'make' you happy. If you are miserable without your ex, then this isn't a marital issue, IMO. It's a you issue, and you should find out why you feel so awful about your life, that you think running back to your ex will 'make' you happy. My advice? When in doubt, do nothing. Stay put, and work on yourself, and why you feel that your ex holds the keys to your happiness. Trust me, he doesn't. But ...YOU do. And you shouldn't allow any man to have that much power, over your thoughts. ((a cyber hug in the meantime!)) 

PS - And if your ex 'respected' your marriage, he'd not contact you. That's the truth.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> No man will 'make' you happy. If you are miserable without your ex, then this isn't a marital issue, IMO. It's a you issue, and you should find out why you feel so awful about your life, that you think running back to your ex will 'make' you happy. My advice? When in doubt, do nothing. Stay put, and work on yourself, and why you feel that your ex holds the keys to your happiness. Trust me, he doesn't. But ...YOU do. ((a cyber hug in the meantime!))


Thankyou, reading this made me cry so I think you're right. This is the kind of advice I was looking for, an unbiased outside perspective. This made me look at things in a different light. I'm going to stop contact with my ex and do therapy. My husband knows the truth so I will let him decide if he still wants to be in the marraige. And maybe do some therapy to figure out why I'm still thinking of my ex and try to resolve it if I can. Thankyou for the cyber hug 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Thankyou, reading this made me cry so I think you're right. This is the kind of advice I was looking for, an unbiased outside perspective. This made me look at things in a different light. I'm going to stop contact with my ex and do therapy. My husband knows the truth so I will let him decide if he still wants to be in the marraige. And maybe do some therapy to figure out why I'm still thinking of my ex and try to resolve it if I can. Thankyou for the cyber hug
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know what it's like to need a man to define me. I used to be like that. But your life has so much beauty in it, despite the fact that maybe you're not as attracted to your husband as you'd like, or there isn't that 'same fire' as with the other guy. Your life has a lot of value, and to go through it miserable...you're missing the beauty.

Individual therapy will help you tap into what it is that truly is troubling you, and you may find it surprising that it has little to do with your ex. Maybe you and your husband do end up splitting, but make sure you do it as a whole, healthy person...and that you do it for the right reasons. Not for your ex a$$ clown. (Sorry, he sounds like a dramatic a$$ clown...lol) I say that because he should leave you alone as a married woman. His behavior in this tells me that while he may be sober, he sounds quite selfish. So, your thought of no contact is a very smart one.  

You can do this. You are strong...and you will feel so amazing when you figure this all out.


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Thankyou so much Deidre
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yep he drove in a wedge where he saw a crack and destabilized your marriage (even more) to the verge of collapse.

"He is not that way" is incorrect he has in fact shown that he is.

Wayward spouses usually give their affair partner a pass exactly at this point because it does not fit the fantasy.

If you follow through with leaving your husband for your ex, you will be swapping positions with your husband, you will be with the person you love and he will be mourning the loss of his love.

Ironic isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She's probably already texted the ex. Deidre gave her an epiphany.....wish it was always this easy.

OM is "not that way". Yeah, he wouldn't call up a married woman and the second she says she is unhappy in her marriage, tell her of his undying love and devotion.
It's hard to figure out what this great guy really called for, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> She's probably already texted the ex. Deidre gave her an epiphany.....wish it was always this easy.
> 
> OM is "not that way". Yeah, he wouldn't call up a married woman and the second she says she is unhappy in her marriage, tell her of his undying love and devotion.
> It's hard to figure out what this great guy really called for, huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have indeed told my ex not to contact me anymore. It was wrong of him to tell me his feelings but I did play my part in encouraging him. I'm not sure if my marriage can be saved but I'm going to give it everything, if it still falls apart at least it won't be for the wrong reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

opuss said:


> Now that sounds painful.


Can you wink?











_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Ok after talking to my husband here's the jist of it. He married me because he wanted to settle down and didn't want to come home to an empty house. I was there at the right time, there weren't any girls beating down his door. He loves me but he's not in love with me, I'm his best friend and he thought that was enough, it never accured to him that it wasn't enough for me. He wants me to stay but he he told me he can never give me what I want. He also said if I leave he would understand and support me. I always knew this but hearing it has broken my heart. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I think he's this way because of his autism, he's willing to work on the other issues like his anger and drinking and go to therapy if he absolutely has to. He also said he would set up my pottery studio that I always wanted to do so I have something for me. Surprisingly I'm more determined to work on it now that I know truth. Am I wasting my time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Ok after talking to my husband here's the jist of it. He married me because he wanted to settle down and didn't want to come home to an empty house. I was there at the right time, there weren't any girls beating down his door. He loves me but he's not in love with me, I'm his best friend and he thought that was enough, it never accured to him that it wasn't enough for me. He wants me to stay but he he told me he can never give me what I want. He also said if I leave he understand and support me. I always knew this but hearing it has broken my heart. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I think he's this way because of his autism, he's willing to work on the other issues like his anger and drinking and go to therapy if he absolutely has to. He also said he would set up my pottery studio that I always wanted to do so I have something for me. Surprisingly I'm more determined to work on it now that I know truth. Am I wasting my time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been married close to 30 years. My wife and I have 4 children together (27-21 years of age)
She has had MS for over 20 years, we have had our share of rough spots, my life is nothing like I expected. Did I settle? Yes! Do I regret it? No!

You will never regret loving the people you care about the most.

You both need to step up, here is a wake up call. Its do or die, is it a waste of time to see what you can make of it.

At this point in my life, it was wofth whatever it took to get here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Ok after talking to my husband here's the jist of it. He married me because he wanted to settle down and didn't want to come home to an empty house. I was there at the right time, there weren't any girls beating down his door. He loves me but he's not in love with me, I'm his best friend and he thought that was enough, it never accured to him that it wasn't enough for me. He wants me to stay but he he told me he can never give me what I want. He also said if I leave he understand and support me. I always knew this but hearing it has broken my heart. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I think he's this way because of his autism, he's willing to work on the other issues like his anger and drinking and go to therapy if he absolutely has to. He also said he would set up my pottery studio that I always wanted to do so I have something for me. Surprisingly I'm more determined to work on it now that I know truth. Am I wasting my time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been married close to 30 years. My wife and I have 4 children together (27-21 years of age)
She has had MS for over 20 years, we have had our share of rough spots, my life is nothing like I expected. Did I settle? Yes! Do I regret it? No!

You will never regret loving the people you care about the most.

You both need to step up, here is a wake up call. Its do or die, is it a waste of time to see what you can make of it?

At this point in my life, it was worth whatever it took to get here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Decorum said:


> I have been married close to 30 years. My wife and I have 4 children together (27-21 years of age)
> She has had MS for over 20 years, we have had our share of rough spots, my life is nothing like I expected. Did I settle? Yes! Do I regret it? No!
> 
> You will never regret loving the people you care about the most.
> ...


Thank you, I'm hoping somehow we can work as a family still, and I can find away to make my self happy instead of trying to get it from my husband. If he can really work on his anger issues and drinking maybe it can be enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Addressing that issue will be invaluable regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

Deidre is an awesome poster.

Dd84, you are made of good stuff. I want to share a post from EleGirl (she is awesome as well)


Part of your answer for the strong pair bonding you are suffering from for your ex is found in this.

Btw if you click on the little arrow by her name it will take you to the complete post, it was in response to a very worthwhile post by another lady poster.



EleGirl said:


> I think that this is so important for people to realize.
> 
> There have been posts on here by people who cheat who say things like "well you cannot help who you fall in love with".
> 
> ...


I really do wish you and your family well.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You say you know your ex has changed his ways from what they were 10 years ago. 

What kind of contact have you been maintaining with your ex for the last 10 years to KNOW this first hand?


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Satya said:


> You say you know your ex has changed his ways from what they were 10 years ago.
> 
> What kind of contact have you been maintaining with your ex for the last 10 years to KNOW this first hand?


I have been talking to him a lot for a month now. The only 'ways' I needed him to change was the drugs. I could always tell when he was high, I would know. Also when we met for coffee I could see the difference in his health/appearance. He also has a good job, house, car ect which wouldn't be possible with his previous addiction. 
I have ceased contact with him as of this morning to work on thing with my husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I truly admire you Daydreamer on your quest, but could I interject a couple passing thoughts that has helped me in my own personal journey. and perhaps on some level some would call it metaphysical quackery and perhaps they are right, but it bring me peace of mind, and in the end your mind is all that matters in your own journey through life. I tend to believe that we are where we are suppose to be, for reasons that are even beyond our own understanding, the pain and suffering we at times must endure, are as much of who we are as the times when all is good and great. They mold us and change us into who we are today, sure some people can look at the glass half empty and say why me, but i suspect that these are the same people who you give half a winning lottery ticket and complain why they did not get the other half. I am an optimist and maybe to my determent, but i choose to believe that the person i am today, with the marriage and life i have so far better then if i had been married or lived the life of another, that no greater role i play now then being the father of my awesome children, no greater accomplishments i will ever achieve would be as great as placing them on their own path to whatever passions they seek, that i continue to expand my mind while contracting my waist (hopefully), that i am grateful for what i have and while i may not be able to change others i can change myself, and while i may not have a perfect marriage, i strive to be the best person i can be, and hopefully pass it on to the next generation so they can pass it on to their children....look we can all say we settled downward, or settled upward or settle just right but in the end the only settling that matters is your mind, and how you plan on settling who you want to be. So whether you end up in love and happy with your husband, or your ex the only love you need to demonstrate aside the love for your children is your self. I wish you well


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Daydreamer84 said:


> I have indeed told my ex not to contact me anymore. It was wrong of him to tell me his feelings but I did play my part in encouraging him. I'm not sure if my marriage can be saved but I'm going to give it everything, if it still falls apart at least it won't be for the wrong reasons.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And be happy in your life...find a way to be happy regardless of your marriage situation. Give your best self to your marriage, and if your spouse doesn't in return, then you will have something to consider in terms of leaving him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> I have been talking to him a lot for a month now. The only 'ways' I needed him to change was the drugs. I could always tell when he was high, I would know. Also when we met for coffee I could see the difference in his health/appearance. He also has a good job, house, car ect which wouldn't be possible with his previous addiction.
> I have ceased contact with him as of this morning to work on thing with my husband
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Daydreamer,

You are true to your name and hankering after a lost dream, this is not reality. The sooner you wake up and realise that your dreaming of the ex is just a fantasy, living with him will still have its ups and downs. You have put him on a pedestal. 
In the mean time pray that your H and your kids will be forgiven, what you want will affect many people, stop being selfish and self centred and stop justifying your behaviour.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If the grass is greener next door, time to water your yard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Ok after talking to my husband here's the jist of it. He married me because he wanted to settle down and didn't want to come home to an empty house. I was there at the right time, there weren't any girls beating down his door. He loves me but he's not in love with me, I'm his best friend and he thought that was enough, it never accured to him that it wasn't enough for me. He wants me to stay but he he told me he can never give me what I want. He also said if I leave he would understand and support me. I always knew this but hearing it has broken my heart. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I think he's this way because of his autism, he's willing to work on the other issues like his anger and drinking and go to therapy if he absolutely has to. He also said he would set up my pottery studio that I always wanted to do so I have something for me. Surprisingly I'm more determined to work on it now that I know truth. Am I wasting my time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In reading this, could it be that you like relationships that are a struggle, and with men who are not entirely emotionally available? Your ex and husband have this in common.


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