# What do I do...



## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

So i have caught my wife cheating...texts/emails - unsure if they slept together, but i do know they kissed and she is/was engaging him frequently through texts. To me, this still constitutes cheating.

She does know that i know. In fact, i am playing her right now until i figure out the right thing to do. I actually got our house listed for sale (got her to do the grunt work , but i do need figure out next steps. 

My plan is to tell her this coming week what i know. Now the issue is, do i leave? I travel for business a lot, and we have two kids. If i tell her to get out, then i am screwed. No family to assist...

Does me leaving jeopardize me in anyway? I figure that by getting the house listed is protecting me somewhat. But wondering if i should not say anything until the house is sold?? She needs the money, so her interest in selling the house is there - she does not work, and will be 100% dependent on me to pay the house bills, while i live somewhere else and pay for that too...

Maybe the wrong forum...but thought i would see what anyone thoughts are?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry your here under these circumstances

A tried and proven process is: 

Gather evidence, secure it so your wife does not delete it.
Confront , dont reveal your source. You are making statements not having a conversation.
Expose , do not tell her what your doing or when

Give her a set of recovery requirements to follow: 
NC letter, no contact for life, a time line of the affair, all mail and phone accounts are accessable by you

Dont go to MC until you have verified the affair is over , on most occations the affair goes underground and they aquire hidden phones etc.

Practice zero tolerance of the affair and wage war on it.

Even if you choose to D , dont mention this untill you are well prepared and have done everything to damage the affair .

See a doctor for your own well being

I will post a link to a newbie thread that give insightful information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Click on the link for further advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't leave home, if anyone leaves she does .

Play the leave card after you have exposed and shone a light on the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Excellent advice above.
Also see a lawyer to ensure you're not jeopardizing any rights. Find out as much as you can about the OM. STI tests. Secure half of your bank assets in your name only.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Boogedy said:


> So i have caught my wife cheating...texts/emails - unsure if they slept together, but i do know they kissed and she is/was engaging him frequently through texts. To me, this still constitutes cheating.
> 
> *She does know that i know*. In fact, i am playing her right now until i figure out the right thing to do. I actually got our house listed for sale (got her to do the grunt work , but i do need figure out next steps.
> 
> ...


She knows that you know? And you are going to tell her WHAT you know? If she knows that you know, what's the point?

If you want to reconcile with her and save your marriage, there is one course of action. If you want to divorce, just see the lawyer and get the ball rolling. Which do you want?

If you want to save the marriage:

1. Find out how to contact the other man's wife and expose the affair to other man's wife. Do not tell your wife ahead of time, just do it. If he has no wife, expose to his parents, close family and friends - those who can influence him - and let them know he is having an affair with your wife and breaking up your previously happy family. If your wife asks you how you could do such a thing, tell her that you are fighting for her and you are fighting for the marriage and family, and all you did was tell the truth. If she was ashamed of her actions and didn't want them known, she shouldn't have done them.

2. After exposing other man, get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Tell her you love her and you want to improve yourself and improve your marriage and you are willing to work hard to do so, but not while she is having an affair with the other man. Here are the conditions:

3. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

4. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

5. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts. Same thing with her toxic friend.

6. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

7. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

8. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

9. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, buy a few voice-activated recorders and put them under the seat of her car and in a place in the house where she is likely to talk to the other man when you are not around. Keylog the computer. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If you think it would help, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that your wife admitted that she had an affair, and you have no way of knowing that the affair still is going on or not but that because your wife keeps deleting her messages with other man, you think it probably is. Ask for their support of your marriage and your family. Definitely do this if you find out the affair is ongoing after she agreed to cease contact with other man.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I made a typo: She does NOT know i know.

I have already secured bank accounts, assets etc. I put Key Logging software on our computer which was able to get me passwords to her phone bill showing all the texts. Her phone is what she uses the most and she just changed her password again. 

I found an email last night to HIM that basically says he has brushed her off now. All day yesterday, my wife was in tears, saying how she loves me, blah blah. This came literally within an hour of her letting HIM know how pissed she is with him. 

I have to leave due to my travel for work...I cant jeopardize my job (My bosses know of my situation). I am going to be speaking to a lawyer this week to ensure i dont screw myself.

Thank you for your recommendations if we do decide to get back together,Thank you. What is sad is that her first true love cheated on her, and when discussed, she has said that she would not tolerate anything from me. I am not going to tell her how i know, and in fact i am not going to reveal any details that would point to a certain text or email.

W is actually going away for a few days to visit her friend (not where that guy lives), and i am planning to tell her then. That way, i can pack my things and when she gets back, i will be gone. Reason for this approach is that I know she will blow a gasket - and I dont want the kids to hear anything. They have before and it makes me very sad. I have made the last 2 weeks in the house the best as possible so that the kids wont remember us fighting and then seeing me leave. I will also be able to control the message to the kids. I am not going to throw "mommy" under the bus as they wont be able to understand at their age yet, but will message it so they dont think it has anything to do with them. Wife has not ability to deliver tough messages and dont need her saying the wrong thing.

Thanks again - just seems this is an all to common issue these days. Never thought i would be in this position in a million years.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

If I were a betting man I would lay every penny I have that there has been more than kissing. You won't want to hear that - more still you won't want to believe it.

There is zero point in telling her anything other than that you know she has been cheating. From hard won and very bitter experience, any other route leads to lies.

Assume the worst when you are talking to her, but don't be accusatory. Make out that you know *everything* and by that, I mean the worst possible scenario.

You are just on the beginning of a bloody hard road and, no matter what you *think* you know, when you hear her admit it *will* floor you.

If you cannot be away from your job; bear this in mind.

Good luck; keep posting. None of us here thought it would happen to us, many of us have been through what you are about to and we understand - even if we don't always agree on the correct thing to do.

You have found the right place I am just sorry that you had to find it in the first place.

Stay frosty.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

How far is the wife's friend? Is she (friend) close to your location or close to OM even if its not same city? Do you care if the wife calls or visits the OM when you tell her your plans? 

How are you going to pack and leave when you break this to her? What will you do about the kids? Will they be with her or with you when you make a break for it?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Affairs run hot and cold. They may be broken up today but together again with lots of making up. But even if they are truly broken up and she wants to recommit to you it puts you in 2nd place to him.

It's good that you have your children in mind. She is still their mommy and aoways will be. As you eill alwayscremain their daddy. So try to minimize the venom when you let her know that you haven't been blind.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

The plan is that W is headed to a visit a friend in a much further away city than even where we currently are at to the city she met this other guy. 

When she lands, i will let her know to check her email. My email will be very simple and not attacking. I wills state i know and i am moving out at the end of the month. As well, i am informing her to not come home until the end of the month. If she decides to come home still then i will leave somewhere. Either way, the kids will be looked after. I even have W working to get some babysitting lined for the kids so i can get some things done to the house...little does she know i will actually use that time to find a place to stay and hopefully start to move.

We signed the papers last night to sell the house - now she is freaking out about where are we going to go. What is interesting is how she was pursuing a job in the city as that guy. After reading an email from W to him the other day, he obviously is not interested in her anymore. Now her push to move to that city is not as intense...

What is so sad for me is that i now see the old W i knew. The guy is obviously out of the mix now, and she has gone back to her old self. I keep telling myself i am doing the right thing, but then question it 100X! I cant forgive her actions right now, I dont trust her and i know that if this guy did try to do more with her, she would be all in. I am and my kids are second/third/fourth in her priorities, and that is something i cant not forgive. Maybe one day i will, but knowing me - that would take a lot of therapy!!

This coming Thursday evening is when i will be delivering the news. Until then, i am enjoying some family moments, taking it all in. I am so going to miss what we had - just destroys me to think about it....maybe i am making this harder on myself but want my last memories to be good.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Boogedy said:


> The plan is that W is headed to a visit a friend in a much further away city than even where we currently are at to the city she met this other guy.
> 
> When she lands, i will let her know to check her email. My email will be very simple and not attacking. I wills state i know and i am moving out at the end of the month. As well, i am informing her to not come home until the end of the month. If she decides to come home still then i will leave somewhere. Either way, the kids will be looked after. I even have W working to get some babysitting lined for the kids so i can get some things done to the house...little does she know i will actually use that time to find a place to stay and hopefully start to move.
> 
> ...


I dont understand why you are waiting for her to leave and sending her an email to tell her you know. Are you concerned she wont go on the trip? Are you afraid of confrontation? Afraid you will get weak and give in if the tears start to flow?

Are you dropping her off at the airport? If you are I would tell her before she got out of the car, face to face and then give her a second to say something and then tell her it doesnt matter now and pull away. Thats just my opinion. I would definitely want to see her face when you told her you know!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I like the face to face. While you pull her bags out of the trunk hand her them and tell her "I need to move on because there is someone else and it involves infidelity". Don't say "her" infidelity...just say infidelity. Tell her "when she gets settled to check her email and it explains the things I have done".

These play on words will make her think you cheated, then when she see your email telling her what a cheating disloyal tramp she is....she'll figure out you busted here.

Just the though of spending the entire flight thinking you may have cheated on her would be poetic justise!


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Love your thought process. I too want to see her face, but I am doing it this way for a few reasons. 

1.She could very well not board the flight. She knows what i am capable of and very likely would stay to watch every move I do.
2. She is going to visit her best friend and will need her to work through this. Dont need her around here crying etc. That is what she has been like for the last month, and dont need to see anymore of it. She is full of guilt...
3. If face to face, the kids will be around and dont want them to hear anything, My daughter has already picked up on some stuff, and dont need her being around this.
4. I control everything - messaging to the kids, friends/family, assets.

Maybe i will send someone on the flight with her to take her picture...that would be well worth the money...


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Boogedy, I like you angle. Good for you to not being a sappy lover and being a doormat. Stay strong and I agree your doing the right thing. 

Surprise her when she lands with the email, fvck up her world. I like how you are going about it. 

More importantly however, think of your kids and look out for them every which way you can. They are your responsibility and do whatever it takes to keep them if you want, if not, make sure your always there for them and have joint custoday.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Cheaters don't deserve a 2nd chance, its really hard to turnaround. I know some folks have done it on here, but honestly, I would not and am glad you are a strong natured man to do the same and stand for your rights of your kids and your own self respect. 

Good luck and keep us posted, but I wanted to let you know that your doing the right thing by leaving.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sounds like ou have a solid plan so good for you. I have to commend you on your strength in keeping it together for the kids.

I don't understand why she is crying and professing her love for you, when she know you have no idea whats going on. If I'm correct, she think you don't know about her cheating or the break up...so how does she justify the tears? 

If you don't know about the affair then why would she be apoligizing for something you don't know about?

Did I miss something?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Boogedy
OM probably dropped her like a hot potato when he realized she wanted a greater relationship w him. By moving near him it would cramp his style with his other interests. 

If you decide at some point to reconcile don't discount the fact that she may be very willing, even, eager to get back with him if he calls out to her again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What if you skyped her - that way you could see her face when you tell her.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Just met with the lawyer today...well, look up the definition of screwed and you will see my face there...Canadian Law states, i will have to pay her 50%+ of my wages because she has been a stay at home mom...40% alone in child support, and that is even with 50/50 custody share. Her actions have no weight into any type of settlement. Instead i am going to need to conjure up crap on her that would be honest. I am sure many of you will say she was honest with me, so why do i need to be honest with her...i guess i am too nice of a guy. 

So if i want to minimize what i pay her, i now need to convince her to get a job. I already got her convinced to sell the house, maybe i can do this too...

Lawyer also states for me to not move out until the house sells. Makes some sense to ensure she doesnt sabotage things. 

What is sad is that i can now see why people try and work things out. I dont mind paying something, but 50%!!! i can try arbitration but the law is the law up here. Maybe i can guilt her into a settlement - play on her emotions maybe...

To answer some of the previous posting questions:

Tears - She says she is sorry for being such a ***** recently and how horrible it must have been for me to deal with this. I just say "ya"

Samus - Thanks!

Shaggy - Love the Skype idea...maybe i should make his facebook pick my pick...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can say this

Post the OM on cheaterville.com - you can do this today in fact and just keep silent on it until you expose her too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats is a huge amount of strength to have to have to listen to her excuse of being a b1tch, when you know the real reason.

My god man you have some balls!

What would it take to keep her? Granted you haven't confronted yet and it sound like she will go the begging route, that's to be expecting enless she hooks up on her trip, but all the same ...what will it take to keep her and save this family from divorce?


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Good for you man < it is so good to see a man be a man. Please dont give in : find out all and make her feel the consequences of her actions


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

For those following the thread....

I emailed W and just missed getting her the email before the flight took off...she got it when she got to her friends place. She replied with that she is relieved and very apologetic and will tell me everything. I also informed her to not come home for another 5 days - which i know is ripping her apart right now as i am getting texts with questions. I just reply any questions can be asked when we are face to face.

I found something out with GMail...you can also see what their google searches are...SCARY! So i have found some "dirt" on her, but also, am watching what she is searching right now. So far, places to live and spyware on my phone. One of her questions she asked me was how did i know, so i text her the password to her phone, but never revealed the other items i have access to. 

Part of my "requirements" to even consider us working on this (5% chance), is that she is to not hide 1 thing anymore or changes passwords to her phone. What she doesnt know is i have her cell phone bill and able to see who she is texting. When she gets back i will ask to see her phone and to see what texts are missing. She is texting the "friend" she went to see that was all part of this.

I also got to see her forwarding my email to this "friend". Will use that against her...

I have also called one of her closests freinds where we live, who did know and actually gave my wife sh1t for what she had done. Now i understand why i have not see or heard from her for awhile. As well, this friend did not have the whole story...

I also called her parents...tough conversation to say the least. Lots of tears. W parents were planning an intervention for my W for a number of concerns with drinking/partying/parenting (will use that in court), and are demanding W goes to see psychologist. This will be part of my requirements to working it out.

W gets home on Saturday. This is when W will tell me everything. The thought of this conversation and her with another man is killing me. Not sure how i am going to take it, but it is needed. My questions are detailed, and strategic to see if she is telling me the truth. 

I have spent the last few days with the kids. Lots of fun - lots of tears for me, surrounding myself with people who care about me. I must say, for those that know me, i am very strong person. I dont even cry at Funerals - but have been a mess the last few days. 

I look forward to healing and moving on - life is great and if it means it will be with someone else, then it was meant to be.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the update.

It is very difficult not to reveal everything but, as you are already clearly aware, your knowledge is your only edge.

Going through this is really difficult.

Not much more to say for now except that I admire your presence of mind and clarity of thought and action.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Good work, don't reveal anymore information on how your know. Your standard answer to your wife should be her focus is on the marriage not on how she got caught cheating. Have you exposed the OM to his family, siblings and friends ? Your fighting a battle on two fronts, make his life very uncomfortable and force him to ditch her , this gives you space to focus on your wife.

When she comes home state the terms for remaining in the marriage , don't discuss these or explain why . Write them down if you have to and set a time line for her to implement them. An example is the NC letter , it takes hours to create , not she needs time to think etc..

Know what your going to do next if she declines , if she does return to the marriage be aware that waywards have a motto, lie lie lie deny deny deny , and often take the affair underground. Trickle truth can kill a recovery. If you suspect she is hiding the detail polygraph her.

Be consistent in your demands for transparency and requirements for recovering the marriage. 

Don't forget to go to the doctor for yourself , the rollercoaster of emotions is going to get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hows is the house going, have you got any pites on it?
What about the plan to pack up before she gets back?

Have you exposed the affair to the OM side?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You should have told her you hired a PI. i would have never given up the cell phone password. Not that it matters she'll change it anyway.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

House - my lawyer advised that i do not leave. He said he sees this happen all the time, and then the wife gets wind that she could be entitled to spousal support and she could say she is going back to school and drag it on. By staying in the house, i can ensure the house is showed well and looks good. As well, i am going to put the pressure on her to get a job. Just today her cell phone company called looking for payment and her credit card company. I normally paid these, but have informed her i will not anymore and for her to get a job. By her getting a job, it will reduce my pay to her substantially.

The cell phone password, she already changed a week or two ago. I have told her that she will remove the password as a starter. I also have her cell phone records which show who she is texting. Knowing this, i can test her with her honesty. 

The OM already dumped her a few weeks ago -he is not married. Divorced with a kid. I found out who is ex is. I thought about saying something to her, but dont care honestly. the OM is an idiot - i found him on facebook. talk about a wannabee.

the plan is that if the house sells and we are working on things, we will rent. The fact we are selling this house is destroying her because it is incredible where i am. My dream home. 

I am going to meet with her doctor this week to discuss her mental state. I met with her parents and they are so concerned and want her to get mental help. I am making sure that anyone she can go to will know the truth, and demanding a cease in communicating with anyone else...this will be a test of all tests. will see how much she wants it. this Saturday she gets home in the morning, leaving us to talk all afternoon.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you leave you would be nailed for ABONDONMENT---so follow your atty's advice

Do not abuse your wife in any way, be civil, you may have zero tolerance, and are going to get your D---but don't do anything, that a judge will frown on-----many betrayed's do become bullies, and completely controlling to a spouse that is actually trying to make things work

What you might wanna do, if you do decide to stay, is have her sign a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause

That way if she cheats again---you will not have the court ordered splits in property and finances

If you decide to end this---then just end it and be civil, at least till the D., is final---------one last thing---do make her get a job, she obviously has too much time on her hands, that's why she probably cheated in the 1st place.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Love the post nup advice - she has been telling people how much money i will have to pay her if we do split. This will be huge, i will get her at the right time. As it stands, and how the law works at least in Canada, a W who is a stay at home mom, could go and sleep with whoever and then walk away with at least half of my wages - what a great deal for them.

Thank you!

The toughest part is what you said with being controlling. That is why we are here. I had to control all aspects of our finances due to her actions, and have tried to forgo control to only see her mess it up over and over again...if she gets a job, things should be better...but can see her hitting the wine again, which is one of the reasons why we are here...so many moving parts to this it makes my head spin.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

We had the conversation Saturday when she got back. Tough conversation to say the least, and thank you all for the heads up with how hard it would be. Yes she did have sex with him, and she had already gotten a STD test, from advice from one of her friends. 

One of the comments i received from a friend was that they infidelity was a symptom to a problem. I thought long hard about this as our marriage was in a bad state before hand and this was where the bulk of the conversation was about. With her own admittance, she does have a much deeper problem with herself which lead to her actions for the past year of being very defiant towards the goals i had for the family. Her life has been very smooth, no major hardships when growing up, and any problems she had were always rescued. Today, it is me who rescues the situations always, and that the precedence was i always would. She took advantage of that and our arguments were funded by her walking all over me knowing i would be there to come to the rescue. 

I made it extremely clear she is on her own for her own bills, and that we are selling the house now due to her actions. Hearing this, along with my other requirements for me to entertain us staying together hit home. I also informed her that if we did divorce that i would have no choice but to fight for the kids, as not doing so would incriminate me knowing her actions for the past year with drinking and neglect. Tough for those words to be said, but they needed to be.

Where am I at now...i so much want to want her and to fix the problems. The issue is that this will do no good if i come to the rescue again. I said to her last night that this coming week will tell me where i am headed. As i met with her doctor and gave him the real story of W, he feels she is need of some psychiatric and physiological help. He knew of the infidelity and some of the drinking, but not her history and how she copes with things. 

I am fighting with so much, but willing to continue to support our children IF she at least steps up significantly in the coming weeks. Will see...


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Boogedy said:


> One of the comments i received from a friend was that the infidelity was a symptom to a problem...


Oh, I hate so much to hear that excuse. Cheating is a symptom of the marriage or problems in the marriage..... BS !!! My now ex-wife got this from her counselor and sticks to it to this day.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> Oh, I hate so much to hear that excuse. Cheating is a symptom of the marriage or problems in the marriage..... BS !!! My now ex-wife got this from her counselor and sticks to it to this day.


You dont fix a problem inside the marriage by bringing another person into the marriage. This comment pisses me off a lot also!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> Oh, I hate so much to hear that excuse. Cheating is a symptom of the marriage or problems in the marriage..... BS !!! My now ex-wife got this from her counselor and sticks to it to this day.





LetDownNTX said:


> You dont fix a problem inside the marriage by bringing another person into the marriage. This comment pisses me off a lot also!


Yeah, I think there is some truth to it, but it is not and should not be an excuse.

My marriage had its problems....I will never know if she would have cheated anyway. My take is, I don't care what the other problems were, they don't justify, mitigate or excuse what she did. I will talk about those problems, and work on them, to make a better marriage. I will not excuse the affair for them.

P.S. Boogedy, you are doing great. Be strong man.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Boogedy said:


> We had the conversation Saturday when she got back. Tough conversation to say the least, and thank you all for the heads up with how hard it would be. Yes she did have sex with him, and she had already gotten a STD test, from advice from one of her friends.
> 
> *One of the comments i received from a friend was that they infidelity was a symptom to a problem.* Perhaps in other marriages..But not in your´s.At least not according to your wife
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please expose the OM. He is a scumbag that cheated with a married woman, and even though you say he dumped her, you want to completely sour that relationship for the future.

Post him on cheaterville.com and then share the link.

You want him to absolutely hate your cheating wife and not want nothing ever to with her again,

Oh, and cheating isn't a symptom. It is a deeply selfish choice to hurt and betray your spouse. Calling it symptom is a bullsh1t attempt to blame the cheating on the betrayed spouse.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by *Boogedy* View Post
> 
> One of the comments i received from a friend was that the infidelity was a symptom to a problem...


Many times it's the obvious blameshifting or blamesharing tactic but shockingly I think OP has it right! he clearly identified the problem; he's married to an entitled princess! I don't think he's taking any blame for this which is refreshing.

:smthumbup:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Boogedy said:


> As i met with her doctor and gave him the real story of W, he feels she is need of some psychiatric and physiological help. He knew of the infidelity and some of the drinking, but not her history and how she copes with things.
> 
> I am fighting with so much, but willing to continue to support our children IF she at least steps up significantly in the coming weeks. Will see...


I'm not sure exactly what are her issues but better own her stuff and grow the f0ck up.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Tough spot your in. What was your wife like? Was she remorsefull? Sounds like she was blaming you more than anything.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Boogedy said:


> she has been telling people how much money i will have to pay her if we do split.


She's already seen an attorney. She'll be getting advice including but not limited to 'Do not get a job'.

She might play along with your game and meet some of the more mild requests such as giving up the new cell phone password, however I doubt she'll do anything that you request that will cost her a negotiating edge in the upcoming divorce.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Hey there, thanks for the comments/. To clarify my comment about the symptom to a problem. At no point, have I or will I ever accept what she did as being my problem or a result of a broken down marriage. I said that to W, and she did agree.

She is completely remorseful, BUT i have said, everything you said seems right BUT your actions in the coming week speak louder than words. i said to W last night that this week is the most important week of her commitment to me and the family. I just said that to her father tonight, who also agrees. I said that if i dont see what i need to see, it will be over. He understood and he prays she will. Something tells me that it wont happen....

If she did see a lawyer, good for her. I told her if she threatens me that i will take the kids. I have proof and she knows i do. Something tells me she wont, but i have been wrong before 

Interesting comment about the entitled princess...yes! TRUE! It is why i have cut all funds off from her and forcing her to get a job. The bank is calling now for her credit card payment, and her cell phone just got shut down. She said to me her credit is screwed...I said i dont care. My credit is shot because i am not always able to make the payments because of her actions.

The OM is a player - only 1 thing he cares about and that is to say the right things to get to a chick. I saw this in the texts and saw my W responses to it. It is over for sure but also since he is far away, i know she cant see him without me knowing. I work from home, and wont be anymore for at least a month and a half. In that time, i have key logging software enabled still on the computer so if she tries to communicate to him via another email account that she doesnt think i have access to, i will know. I am not letting down in my detective work, i just need to ensure it is not obvious. 

W made a doctors appt Thursday to discuss her mental state. First step of many...

The letter, i asked for. What does NC mean? I am also writing her a letter to reconfirm my demands and needs.

You all have been terrific and thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate everyone...it puts me in check to ensure i am not getting blinded and missing the reality of what happened. I am a person who does not forgive easily, but for my kids, and with the right actions and time, i just may. I am meeting with my therapist soon and will ensure i stay mentally strong.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

NC means No Contact as in NC letter, there are templates out there for this (IMHO too many words, my take is the shorter and to the point the better). It also means a NC arrangement. Imagine next month OM text her again, what is she supposed to do?... You should plan any potential scenario,even if she run into him by chance.
NC letters are the "standard" way to end an affair when you catch them, to "officialy" end the affair. Sometimes is a "emotioal" milestone. Not always is necessary. In your case it seesm the affair already ended becasue OM dumped her dry. You might thing about something like this if OM pops up again.
NX plus transparence in comunication devices plus acountability of wherebouts plus full disclosure (to your satisfaction) are the bare minimum standard requirements. 

I'm thinking maybe I'm explaining the water. I apologize if that's the case.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NC letter can sometimes come off as an apoligy to the OM for breaking off the affair. In your case I think your wife writes a letter tell Om that what *they* did was wrong and *our* live a better off with out this adultorus behavior they had (not only tell OM she was wrong, but he to was wrong for being with a married women). In this case the NC letter should also include a certain degree of thanks for breaking up with her and that it made her a better person and there affair only brought out the worst in her.

In some degree I feel the NC letter she writes has alot to do with your wife facing and putting down on paper the wrong she has done. Sure a typical case would be to the point and informing the AP that its over and never make contact again, but in this case OM broke up with her already) its more about your wife facing this crap.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If the player OM is not on cheaterville.com you need to post him to help the next husband he messes with,


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

I thought i would all those who gave advice as it has been almost a year now...

So June 1, the Ex moved out - main core issues along with her becoming an alcoholic. After trying to reconcile and keep the family together, she continued to cheat. I chose to end it, and she moved out June 1. I was able to avoid Spousal Support and losing my home at first. However she continued to drink, brought a man into her life 1 week into moving out and then had him living there with my 2 kids (3 and 8)!! I had enough, took her to court for majority custody...due to the court backlog, while waiting for the court date, she went and got help and had a letter from the rehab place that they did not have any further concerns (which was crap as she lied to them). I provided a substantial amount of evidence, but in order to settle as she came after me for $3500 a month in total payments, i had concede on the custody, but i have her locked into a very restricted drinking guideline for as long as we have the kids. I was then able to settle with no spousal support, and was able to keep the house after i ponied up some cash. In the end, i won and protected the kids, she is out of my life (mostly), but now am dealing with kids with issues now.

Thank you all again for your support - i made it without getting screwed like so many, and have the protection i need. I played this very well in my opinion as i got her to sign a seperation agreement i got at staples that was so heavy in my favor. However, it was going to take her $50K in legal fees to over turn, and that alone was what protected me. Biggest lesson learned is that if you were like me and financially at risk and not at fault, get the spouse to sign something in their moment of weakness...for anyone reading this, let me know if you ever need some advice...i survived and won!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to just file and put the burden on her to prove herself.


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