# My husband is leaving and I am devestated



## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. We have been married for almost 9 years. We are both 31 and we dont have any children. About 6 months ago he told me he wasnt entirely happy and didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore. This came to me as a complete shock. I have been happy this entire time together. I was devestated but he agreed to try and work on "us". We stopped fighting all together, everyone made comments about how lovey dovey we were and I thought our marriage has been the best its ever been. On January 12, 2014 he told me he wants a divorce and this is the decision he has made and there is no changing his mind. He feels that Im not the right person for him, yet the day before he told me he wanted a divorce he told me that he was ready to have a baby with me and that it was time. Since the day he told me he wanted a divorce, I have found out that he has had what he calls an "emotional affair" with a woman from his job. He has been cheating on me with her "emotionally" since he orignally told me he didnt think things were working out 6 months ago. I feel completly lost and alone. He tells me that they are not seeing each other right now in that way, they are just friends. I love him more than I love myself. I feel like I cant handle this and I am sad and miserable all of the time. He has been seeing her secretly for the past few weeks and almost every time I have caught him .He tells me he needs someone to talk to that shes the only friend he has here (he moved to where I am from and doesnt have a ton of friends here). I feel sick and I am trying to do everything I can to get him to change his mind. Eveyone tells me that i need to stop sleeping in the same bed, stop asking for him to hug/kiss/make love to me. I have been asking him for all of these things because for some sick reason, it makes me feel better. I dont want to be alone. I feel like I will never find anyone. I feel like who is going to want me if he doesnt. I feel insecure. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. But I love him and I still want to be with him. I dont know how to deal with this and i have days where I dont think I can do this anymore.. any advice will help.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

MJ,

I'm relatively new to TAM and have been going through something similiar with my STBXW of 22 years. In my situation there is no chance of reconciliation while yours there could be. However, regardless, you need to do the 180. Don't beg, don't cry, and don't grovel. Act like you don't care. Eat healthy (even though you don't want to), work out (even though you don't want to), and stay busy with friends, or find new friends. Go to meetup.com and find a hobby. WORK ON YOU. When you do that, either he will wake the [email protected]@@ up or he won't, but it won't matter, because YOU will be better. It won't happen over night. I've said this a few times on here, but look up the book letting go: a 12-week personal action program to overcome a broken heart. I'm sorry you're on this road that many of us are on. It's your choice if you decide to remain on it though!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I felt really sad reading this. It must be really hard for you at the moment, but i agree with the advice you have been given.

I would stop asking for hugs, telling him you love him, and making yourself sound desperate (I do not mean that in a bad way). I just think that while your allowing him to do all these things, your allowing him to treat you the way he wants, and i do not think hes been treating you very well.

For one he cant make up his mind what he wants, and while he cant hes sleeping with you. I assume your still sleeping with him by what you have been saying..... And i think its a really bad idea.

What you have got to look at is, what happens when he walks out on you.??? You will never be able to get over him while your both still being intimate, and in the long run i believe it will be worse for you.

Hes having his cake and eat it.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Your email pains me to read as I am in your shoes and have been for 9 months since hearing the "D" word and now 4 months officially separated from my husband. I can hear the total hurt and loss you are feeling in your post.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, however, as someone whose husband left for reasons I still do not fully understand, I can only echo that all you can do at the moment, is try to breathe, eat, take care of yourself and be patient with yourself. 

When the love of your life, your husband, best friend and partner tells you that he does not feel the same you do, it is a bitter pill to swallow and you are quick to believe that there is something entirely wrong with you. Please know that it is not a reflection upon yourself. Unfortunately, in this day and age, people are quick to divorce because they believe something "better" awaits them around the corner. I am hoping that your husband gets his act together before it is too late and your feelings for him have changed. 

Be kind to yourself and know you are in good company on this board.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Another day, another broken heart. So sorry you're going through this. I've on month 9 and it still hurts very deeply. 

It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be. People are willing to throw away good memories so easily. 

Stick around MJ, You're going to get some good advice. It won't take away the pain, but it will help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's lying, he's seeing this coworker. If you were a guy the first post would've told you this. Cut him off, talk to him about the divorce only, don't cry or beg, and take care of yourself.

I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Please move this to the "coping with infidelity" section where you will get more specific responses that will help you. If you want him back, there are a whole bunch of things you need to do, (which other TAM remember will help you with, mostly the 180 and protecting your assets), but the first thing you must do is to get the proof and expose the affair. Your husband is now in a deep deep fog and is not thinking straight. Is the other ow married? Get the proof and get it into her husband's hands. Expose to his job, his family, your family etc. This is the formula that has worked with so many on the Coping With Infidelity section. Do not tell your husband you are doing this. 

The most common result is that the affair will end if you expose. Sometimes they run off together anyway. But letting him get away with it without consequences will not give you a chance to reconcile.

Now once his affair is over, don't be shocked if he comes begging and pleading to save his marriage. Then you hold the power...whether you take him back or divorce him.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

What you are experiencing is the natural "knee jerk" reaction. You tend to be more clingy and desperate. Who wouldn't, right? 

Your best strategy is to do the exact opposite and take charge and show him that you won't tolerate his bulls*it. Get a lawyer now secretly and find out your rights and what you can get from a divorce. 

Then find out more information about his affair partner. Is she married with children? 

"You want to divorce me? Sure. Get ready to pay up. Oh and I have the number of the husband of your sweetheart at the office. I'm sure he won't like a phone call from me."

From your description it sounds like you still have a chance at keeping him. He just needs some shock therapy and a strong dose of reality.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

MJ -- I would follow AFPhoenix's advice and also get some individual counseling. Think about it -- you have been with this man for nearly half your life. My ex left me after 24 years of marriage; I'm 44. I was in shock, and I felt devastated and had the same feelings of worthlessness. Even if you don't go to IC, ask yourself why you feel this way. It's frightening to face the prospect of being alone. But you would still have a future without your husband. And as MelW74 said, he is not treating you very well.

And protect yourself in the event he is having more than an EA -- no intimacy.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Our situations are almost identical. Except add in a five year old and a 3 month old. He also hasn't admitted to an affair, but I feel like he may have been having an emotional one with someone. I thought we had a very strong marriage. He burst my bubble back in early October when he told me he just wasn't happy anymore. I was 8 months pregnant and he said he hadn't been happy in over a year. He said he only agreed to try for another baby because he wanted two kids and wanted them by the same mother. We tried counseling, but he wasn't committed. He told me he was 100% back in after our daughter was born in November. Even asked for a new wedding band for Christmas since he had lost his a while ago. Then just after our sons birthday he told me he was moving out and he was done. I am completely devastated. I love him with all of my heart and can't understand how we got here.
I've been taking it day by day. Making necessary decisions. I am trying the 180 that others have mentioned. I just keep telling myself this will make me a better person no matter which way the cards land. I hope things get better for you.


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## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you for the advice everyone. I could sure use some more encouraging words. I am sick over this. I just dont know how to get through this.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

join the club MJ. I regressed big time yesterday with my STBXW and her POSOM. Today I feel like i started all over. She is signing the Separation Agreement but I don't take any solace in it. The best thing I can do is pick myself up and start again....you do the same.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Hi Mj,

I understnad completely, I am in a similar situation I got the "i love you but imnot in love with you" speech it hurt like hell and he hurts this very moment.

I feel the same desperation and it almost cripples me. but i swear to you Just keep moving along even though it hurts You have to. No matter what keep moving along eventually your mind will follow.

You may feel like a computer a drone...like nothingness but you force yourself to do it. Im 30 year old woman with 1 son, and 1 stepson. 

And although myhusband moved out the house i still have to see him and communicate with him and it kills me, im always left wanting more..

I am working on the 180... but the more i do it..... I get angry.. Angry for being in this situation.... 

I dont know how i can help you, but if you ever need to talk ou can message e.. we can share expereinces. Im thinking of you

and I hope you , and I both come to a place where we are at peace.

xx


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you for the advice everyone. I could sure use some more encouraging words. I am sick over this. I just dont know how to get through this.


Take it one day at a time. You are stronger than you know. You will make it through this.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm so, so very sorry you are going through this. I've been in your shoes, there is no pain like it. Here is some advice I can offer you:

This is not about you. His poor decisions are not a reflection of your self-worth. By the fourth sentence in your post, I knew there was someone else. 

What you're feeling is completely normal - the clinging, the desperation, the insecurity. Later you will kick yourself for acting like this, but for now, it's a completely normal reaction. 

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up over whatever you feel you have done or are doing "wrong." You've been dealt a horrendous blow. Go easy on yourself. Go get a pedicure. Treat yourself to a new pair of shoes. Take a long bubble bath. Your soul needs some nurturing right now. 

This is the last thing you'll want to do right now, but try to make sure you are eating enough (healthy) food, getting enough sleep, and exercising - even if it's just a short walk - every day. You need to take care of your physical self which will in turn help your emotional health. 

Do you have a support system nearby? Family or close friends? Lean on them right now. You won't need to forever, so don't feel bad. 

Honestly? This will be hard to hear. But I think the best thing you can do is let him go. Don't try to control the outcome. Begging or pleading will only drive him away faster. All you can control is you, so put your focus on YOU and take care of you. 

Maybe he'll snap out of it and realize what a remarkable woman he would be losing by divorcing you. Or maybe he won't and he'll continue to think the grass is greener elsewhere. You WILL be okay either way, as long as you make sure you are taking care of you. 

_"Separate your happiness from others' decisions and behaviors."

"Sometimes it's in our darkest spaces that we find the true source of our light and the strength within to keep going."

"I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions." 
_

Sending you a big hug. Whatever happens in your marriage, remember that pain is finite. It won't always feel this hard or be so bad. And you will come out on the other side of this stronger than you ever thought you could be.


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## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you for all of your support everyone. I am just going through a terrible time.. as I guess you have all gone through as well. Its only been a month since he told me he wants a divorce and I find him pulling away from me now. Shouldnt I be the one to pull away? I get so angry that he gets to make all these choices and I dont get to decide anything. But i guess thats my problem. I need to be strong.. Its just hard. Im working on it.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

It takes two to make a marriage work but one to destroy it. What you are going through MJ really sucks. I had to deal with it and do not wish it on anyone. I've read somewhere that next to losing a loved one, going through a divorce can be just as devastating. 

It's good that you are letting out your feelings here on TAM. You'll need an outlet to release those emotions and believe me, you will run through a lot of them. 

Its one step at a time now, but be strong because there is a life after.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Do a hard 180. If he is willing to leave he is seeing her. Make it happen for yourself see a lawyer as you have two kids to support. If he wasn't seeing her he wouldn't have left so fast. 

Protect yourself and be strong. If you want him back you must play this smart. Do not beg implore or follow. In order to break this affair you slowly must slice it apart. Trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry to hear everyone's pain. You can find your happiness again.

The faster your WAS understands that you are moving on the faster you will have your final answer either way.

Somehow through the hurt and pain you need to focus on you. Reread your posts and if all your comments are in terms of your WAS try to acknowledge it and move to a personal focus.

Those of you who feel anger, I was so relieved to feel anger instead of crippling sorrow. Embrace it and use it to get strong.

A friend told me during my hard times, "she broke the promise to you, you did not break your promise." It became my safety blanket, my foundation of goodness for me to build on, a way to say goodbye to some of the guilt I had created for myself.

180, NC, go dark,
Stretch


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you been tested for STD's? Made an appt with a lawyer? A dr.? A counselor?

It really sucks that you're going though this, but you need to start doing something, not just wallowing.


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