# Boys and toys



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I have recently found out that my honey wants us to use toys..he sayd he wants to use one on me because he knows id like it. But...i have not used one since weve been together because we agreed to only have each other. He also now is wanting spontaneous sex. Example he gave was if we were out and he liked the way i was walking and just got turned on hed want to have it then. Whhhhy now? Is this coming from boredom? Not quite sure how to take it.
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think it would be a great idea to ask him.

My guy likes toys because he likes turning me on and giving me pleasure, and he likes the idea of having one more way to do it with a toy. Maybe that's why your guy wants to start using toys with you - he wants to turn you on even more and in another way.

As for wanting a spontaneous quickie, well, that's one of those things guys fantasize about. What guy doesn't want a quickie now and then? 

Why is he bringing this up now? Maybe he's totally turned on by you and sex is always on his mind so he's been coming up with stuff he wants to try...he wants to explore your sexuality with you, and to explore his. 

So, you could look at it like he's totally into you, or you could look at it as if he's bored...best to ask and find out!


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Hummm.... well toys can bring variety, and variety is the spice of life they say. It could be fun. I'd suggest telling him you would be willing to try it. Nothing to lose and You may just enjoy it. However, having sex while you are out....that would be ok if ....IF... there is a safe place. But it could also be a very impractical demand. He has to accept that reality. Why is he doing it? He may just be trying to spice things up.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Possibly! I just randomly asked him if he had any fantasies which i do now and again to see what he thinks about and he says maybe lingerie. But this time i got a bit of answers and im taken back by this because he says he is fulfilled and doesnt want me to have a toy which ive never once asked or even thought about since weve been together because he is more than enough sexually. So maybe the sponteneaty because we are just so much about our own bodies that its becoming plain jane to him. Ahhha! I dont know. I was really turned off by the toy comment when he mentioned it but i didnt say anythung....shame on me
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Exploring sex with each other is a great way to deepen your bonds and become closer, or to express how close you are becoming. My SO and I explore more at times when we feel closest to each other

It's not automatically a sign that he's bored; it could be that he just wants to know you more, sexually, or feels closer to you these days.

Is there a reason why you think this might have a negative basis? Is your sex life or your relationship as a whole in a difficult place?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Agree with Nora
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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

We have our spats here and there but nothing not overcoming. I work first and he works second so when hes getting here im ready for bed. Our only sexual time we really commit to is on the weekends. It could just be me thinking negatively. We do different positions and its what strikes us. Its not planned out. But sometimes i think im boring to him. He has told me before i was to serious i need to let loose. As that was a comment he made in general not pretaining to that but other than that...
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So what do you think of your sex life? Are you having fun? Are you bored? Is there something you would like to try that you haven't suggested? Would you like it to be different somehow? Is it fulfilling? Does he ask you about your fantasies? Are you having the kind of sex life you want?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

From what you said,it sounds like you both only have
personal time only on the weekends as you both have different work times.

If the weekend is the time you both get intimate then this 
gets predictable and boring.So many responsibilities are 
planned and planned sex becomes one more chore.

Things usually in life are more fun when is not planned and a surprise.This might be how your husband is feeling.

Good Luck


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

bkaydezz, please don't take his request as a perversion. I know these are not your ideas, but I am with NJ, I think he wants to pleasure you sexually. Your acceptance and enjoyment of other sexual activities with your husband/lover is an awesome gift to give him. Now add to it what would you like to try sexually and share it with him. Please remember, he promised to be only with you, you are his only sexual outlet, he needs you to be part of it and with a smile of encouragement. 

Turn him down and you start the road to rejection and resentment...


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I think its great the two of you can talk about it... You have said he has commented that you are to serious at times. I am also this type... 

Some things that have helped me to loosen up in this area was to spend sometime with myself, just doing a little exploring with toys to see what or if I liked them on my own before agreeing to try them with my partner. No I did not tell him I did this.. lol..

It was a bit scary for me to try new things. I had to constantly remind myself to be open to new things. I have learned a lot about myself, what I like and don't like. 

The sex is better now.... and I am more satisfied....


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I am satisfied. I am not bored with us. But i dont have any fantasies. And i told him when he asked. I think he was surprised. But maybe that is boring. I cant stress enough on my end how uneasy it makes me to use something that isnt him as part of our sex life. Predictability of the weekend sex probably is bleh to him. It isnt a planend time. Which probably makes no difference.
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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

There isnt anything i have thought of trying:/ thats horrible. I know. I like the way things are and i just feel uncomfortable about it. I had asked him last night why he wanted one again and got the because it would turn me on to see you get off. He said to he wanted me to masturbate while he was behind me so id get off that way and that bothered me too because that was an issue that i couldnt do it alone so i thought it was weird to do it while during sex. I asked why he really wanted the toy and he just grinned and blushed and laughed and i said so whats the answer and he just laughed again bashfully. I dont know...
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Men get turned on by watching their women all turned on. Whether he's doing it with his hands, mouth or penis or a toy, or whether you are doing it with your own hands or a toy, men want to see their women turned on and feeling sexy.

I think it's a great thing when a man wants to explore his woman's sexuality with her. It's not something that causes me to think there's a problem; quite the opposite - it shows that he's into you and wants to be more open with you sexually.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why are you uncomfortable with your husband being interested in expanding and exploring YOU and your sex life together? That actually can be a very positive sign that he feels comfortable enough to open up about his intimate wants AND that he's still very attracted to you.

Does it make you feel like you're not enough that he wants more? Do you suffer from self esteem issues?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I am seeing what you are saying. I just dont feel turned on by it. I dont know what is wrong with me. I used to be more open with things and now this happening truthfully makes me not want to be sexual with him. But thats wrong. And that feeling is wrong but knowing that part of it makes me wish i didnt. When i was talking to him and he didnt want to answer i said well whatever. And just went to bed. And he said goodnight when he came in the room and chuckled arrogantly. Then this morning on my way out the door he said come here and i said what...he said are you mad about the toy thing i said wellyou cant answer me so yea. He said love you. How crappy that is. Cant communicate about it then really just f....it lots of mixed emotions right now.
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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, but _why _are you uncomfortable with your husband's rather tame, normal sexual requests?

What exactly is so off putting to you about some changes and expansion to your sexual life together?

That seems to me the much more pressing matter. There is something unusual about you being this upset over your husband wanting to add a simple toy to the bedroom.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Tame and normal?...well as i mentioned before when we first got together i got rid of ym toys and he got rid of his porn and we agreed not to bring in any of those things. So i used to play with myself alot and that bothered him saying he didnt understand why id do it so much while he was away at work and it was because i was horny and really turned on that we had so much sex and i felt like i couldnt get enough of it and i just stayed turned on. So that was a problem and i couldnt do that anymore because it bothered him. And now why has it come to the masturbate for me during sex and lets get a toy. Thats why i am turned off. and no he doesnt let meknow im beautiful or sexy so that doesnt make me feel so great about it either. Blah blah blah...
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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

So is there some residual resentment from you that toys weren't acceptable to him on your terms but now he wants them back in the bedroom on his terms?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Not resentment..we agreed nothing like that and then it was no more touching yourself. And here and there i would ask him if he had fantasies and he said hed like to see me in lingerie so i got some. And when i asked him this time thats what i got and i just dont understand it. Thats why i feel like he is bored because hes been fine and all of a sudden he wants this? But has it really been all of a sudden he has thought about this or has it been on his mind? It makes me feel inadequate and worried that im just not doing it for him anymore. But im probably just wrong. But now i dont even feel like having sex.
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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Did you tell him every single thing you've told us?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I havent. Hed rather not talk. Hes the type you have to pry what he feels out of him because he doesnt want to express himself. like what i was saying about how i was trying to talk to him about it and he was being passive as if he didnt need to deal with the situation. That is with everything though not just that. Anytime we get into it he just pushes it back and back and doesnt want to deal with whatever it may be.
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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Variety is required in a long-term sex relationship. If you always do the same things, at the same time...what was once good sex becomes more bland.

My husband and I have been sexually active together for four years. We still do new things all the time. It's fun. Sex should be fun! Keep it fresh. Try the toys. Get spontaneous. What could it possibly hurt?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Variety...well i guess nothing in this world can be natural. There are plenty of women out there to give him something more spectacular and intresting. I cant even do it. Im not turned on by it. How can i do something like that if its not appealing to me?
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> I havent. Hed rather not talk. Hes the type you have to pry what he feels out of him because he doesnt want to express himself. like what i was saying about how i was trying to talk to him about it and he was being passive as if he didnt need to deal with the situation. That is with everything though not just that. Anytime we get into it he just pushes it back and back and doesnt want to deal with whatever it may be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you might want to reconsider whether there really are resentments building here even though you said you don't have resentment. I'd feel resentment building if I were told no more toys, no more masturbation, no talking about anything that matters to you, no addressing any conflict, and then turning around and trying to be playful in the bedroom.

This isn't just about adding toys or masturbation to your sex life. I think you are feeling like your thoughts and feelings matter less in this relationship than his. That's how I'd be feeling, anyway.

I'd also feel like I was doing all kinds of bending and twisting myself into a pretzel to please him and then feeling like nothing I did was any good.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I guess i just dont understand whats going on with him. To me it is a big deal because its not ok and then its supposed to be because he says otherwise. And if i reject that then i am the bad one. I cant win for loosing. I dont know if old feelings of things are just pushing me away from him or if my drive is going down or what. But i dont think its fun or attractive or fresh. Its just burned me out mentally thinking about the whys and no explanation of the why and if i had one would it be the truth and is it going to change my mind...probably not. Id just like to thank plastic for replacing me. Even though it hasnt happened. Ill hear more of it.
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> I guess i just dont understand whats going on with him. To me it is a big deal because its not ok and then its supposed to be because he says otherwise. And if i reject that then i am the bad one. I cant win for loosing. I dont know if old feelings of things are just pushing me away from him or if my drive is going down or what. But i dont think its fun or attractive or fresh. Its just burned me out mentally thinking about the whys and no explanation of the why and if i had one would it be the truth and is it going to change my mind...probably not. Id just like to thank plastic for replacing me. Even though it hasnt happened. Ill hear more of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't understand what's going on with him because he won't tell you. You can't possibly know his thoughts and feelings if he refuses to share them with you. That's not only true for the toy/masturbation situation, but for your whole relationship.

Twisting your stomach into knots worrying about what he might be thinking isn't healthy, and that shouldn't be a constant part of a healthy relationship. 

Pretty much everyone agrees that open, honest communication is one of the most important things for a relationship to be successful, if not THE most important. 

You didn't say if he's you're husband, or maybe I missed it. If he's a bf, think about how you would deal with issues the rest of your life with him. Does that seem acceptable to you?

If he's your husband, then the two of you have to start working on communicating. A lot of guys are uncomfortable with face-to-face discussions about relationship issues...try talking with him when he doesn't have to look into your face, like while cleaning up the kitchen together. That might help him feel less like he's facing a firing squad. If he responds to touch, try holding his hand or hugging him in the middle of a discussion he doesn't want to have - show him that you love him even though it's important to talk about the hard stuff. There are probably a lot of other communication tips you can learn, but he has to start opening up so you don't have to guess what he's thinking.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you only have sex on weekends then it could be that he is dissatisfied and, yes, bored. One of the reasons I introduced toys was because I thought it would open my wife up a little (she was kind of a prude) and I thought it might make her want to do it more often, because the frequency just wasn't cutting it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> He also now is wanting spontaneous sex. Example he gave was if we were out and he liked the way i was walking and just got turned on hed want to have it then. *Whhhhy now?* Is this coming from boredom? Not quite sure how to take it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why not now. Spontaneity is good in moderation whether you've been together a year a bunch of years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sameness in the bedroom usually leads to boredom over time -- for men and women both. There may be a few people out there who are not bored with sameness year after year. For the rest, variety is fun.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> There isnt anything i have thought of trying:/ thats horrible. I know. I like the way things are and i just feel uncomfortable about it. I had asked him last night why he wanted one again and got the because it would turn me on to see you get off. He said to he wanted me to masturbate while he was behind me so id get off that way and that bothered me too because that was an issue that i couldnt do it alone so i thought it was weird to do it while during sex. I asked why he really wanted the toy and he just grinned and blushed and laughed and i said so whats the answer and he just laughed again bashfully. I dont know...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You asked what his fantasy's are and he told you. Because they go beyond what ever boundaries you both set years ago you want to reject them without considering. You ask him why he wants to use a toy and, while reading the disgust on your face, blushes and giggles and can't get himself to be more vulnerable than he already has fearing your rejection.

He wants you to masturbate during PIV so he can enjoy the pleasure of experience being inside you as you orgasm. What a terrible lover...sarcasm...how selfish...sarcasm.

My dear, either accept that your husband's sexuality and maybe expand your boundaries or risk him withdrawing and building resentment and your relationship suffering.

Yes, I was that husband. We had kids so it was more complicated, I cheated. It sucks! 

You are his one and only lover for life...please do not reject him so easily.

ETA...btw, this looks like more of a relationship power struggle than a sexual disagreement. Sexuality is a terrible way to control a husband.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Well i didnt look at him with disgust when he was telling me i was blushing somewhat. Just taken back. Didnt really understand. But ive thought about it and thought about it and im just going to get one. What the hail right? After all if he wants spontaneous better i get it be dressed up. As he will never know. Oh my god. What am i doing.....
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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

bkdz.....try it and remember it isn't so much the toy as your husbands reaction.


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## phantom191976 (Jun 17, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> I have recently found out that my honey wants us to use toys..he sayd he wants to use one on me because he knows id like it. But...i have not used one since weve been together because we agreed to only have each other. He also now is wanting spontaneous sex. Example he gave was if we were out and he liked the way i was walking and just got turned on hed want to have it then. Whhhhy now? Is this coming from boredom? Not quite sure how to take it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you might want to ask him where this is coming from , I don't believe it necessary points to a negative reason tho.. First men are very visual as you know so seeing a woman having a great time with a toy is going to turn guys on that's just the way of it .. Second spontaneous sex can be really good and fun sex I remember once my wife and I had been out all day and when we came home later that night we just tore each other's clothes off and went for it .. No planning , no stress of trying to make it fit in the day we just did it . That really adds something to the feelings in a rush rush everything is planned world


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