# Living with constant critism, resentment & attitude



## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

I am new to the boards, and find myself at the end of my emotional strings. I don't know what else to do, but look to the future as being single. I guess, I am asking on input, specifically from a female. 

We have been married for 25+ years-

1) I have never cheated , have had the opportunity, but no.
2) I have never hit my wife
3) I don't cuss at my wife.
4) I don't yell or B***h @ her.
5) I have provided well as she has not worked outside of the house for 20 years, you would never know this listening to her complaints.

It seems everything daily happening is followed up by some sarcastic comment, insult, put down with me being the target. She seems intent on making my life depressing. She is always yelling, huffing and puffing, never laughing, and quick tempered.

I got married and have stayed married for 25 years because I take marriage and family life seriously. Our child is now grown , and my spiritual beliefs are now being questioned.

She will not go to counseling again.

We have not had sex for 18months. And even prior, it was always my making the moves. I forget what it feels like. I am serious. There were times when she would just lay there like it was her job.

I do not see her changing. I finally blew up about a year ago and take no S*&T from her. None.

Life being single looks very good. I am a fairly good looking man. All I want is someone to have a peaceful, fun relationship with, is that to much to expect ? Is it wrong to finally give up? When is enough enough ?

:scratchhead:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

9 Ways To Deal With A Nagging Wife

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/...ng-can-lead-to-angina/articleshow/7160516.cms

It is unpleasant to live with a nagging and nonreciprocal wife, you either stop her nagging, ignore her nagging or leave! For your own good health!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jeep73170 said:


> Life being single looks very good. I am a fairly good looking man. All I want is someone to have a peaceful, fun relationship with, is that to much to expect ? Is it wrong to finally give up? When is enough enough ?
> 
> :scratchhead:


No, it is not too much to ask, we come to this world to enjoy our life, not to be working for somebody else and be belittled all the time. If a woman doesn't know how to appreciate her husband's work and get dumped, her own fault!

But I don't know why a woman would act like this? Who gave her this authority to act like this? She herself or her man?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sometimes two people are just completely incompatible. There's nothing wrong with either of them, necessarily, they just don't go well together. It happens. 

I don't think you're asking anything unreasonable. It sounds like you've made yourself pretty clear with her on what you want, and in return, she seems to have made it rather clear that she can't/won't give it to you. 

Speaking as a woman, I always want to do things that will make my boyfriend happy, comfortable, and show him that I respect and love him. Sometimes, that is something I cannot do, but if I can't do it, I tell him that, I apologize for that, and I try to do something else so that he understands that it's not that I don't want him to be happy, but just that I can''t do that one thing.

The only time I deliberately didn't do what would make a man happy, and ignored all his requests was when I was with my ex-husband, and I wanted out. 

You're miserable; she's not giving you what you need, and she's probably not any happier than you are. 

I don't think you'd be wrong in giving up. If nothing else, if she sees you following through on it, that might be the one thing that snaps her out of her behavior, if she really loves you and wants to be with you. I wouldn't hold my breath that that would happen, but either way, you'd be happier than you are now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jeep,

Here's a link.

I would encourage you to read it.

If any of it sounds familiar, we're here to kick it around with you.

Please read all the links.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Jeep73170 said:


> I am new to the boards, and find myself at the end of my emotional strings. I don't know what else to do, but look to the future as being single. I guess, I am asking on input, specifically from a female.
> 
> We have been married for 25+ years-
> 
> ...


Now we understand where the good men got the nerve to dump their wives after many years.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like she's spoiled mate


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jeep73170 said:


> I am new to the boards, and find myself at the end of my emotional strings. I don't know what else to do, but look to the future as being single. I guess, I am asking on input, specifically from a female.
> 
> We have been married for 25+ years-
> 
> ...


In a word, limit setting. Ok that is two words. 

That behavior is unacceptable. So don't accept it. Have a conversation (that won't go well) that you are no longer going to tolerate these ineffective communications. If she has a temper tantrum (yes it is OK to call her behavior the childish behavior it is) then you will simply walk way. She does not have the right to treat you in this fashion. She will likely be less than thrilled and give you an opportunity to demonstrate you new limit setting right away. When she flips out, walk away.

Rinse and repeat as necessary until she can speak like a grown up human being.




> I got married and have stayed married for 25 years because I take marriage and family life seriously. Our child is now grown , and my spiritual beliefs are now being questioned.
> 
> She will not go to counseling again.
> 
> ...


Making a stand = good. Likely not very effective by blowing up though. 

People will fight for what they believe is their right point of view. IF you are interested in pursuing this marriage further, which I could not blame you if you decided against, you are going to have to teach her that you have limits and you mean them to be respected.




> Life being single looks very good. I am a fairly good looking man. All I want is someone to have a peaceful, fun relationship with, is that to much to expect ? Is it wrong to finally give up? When is enough enough ?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Well only you can decide when enough is enough. You say she won't go to counseling "again". So it sounds like you have been there before to no effect. 

If you wanted to give it another try, I would suggest a new tack. 

Step one: TELL her you are seriously considering ending it. TELL her that you are going to give it one more try but you are going to do it differently. TELL her precisely what you need out of the relationship to make it something you want to reinvest your energy into. 

Step two: read about limit setting or boundary setting. Live it.

Step two: see if there is a sexual and romantic spark to be rekindled. Read up on love languages. Read Passionate Marriage by ... can't remember his name. Shnark? Something like that. Good book. Helped me a lot.

Somewhere in there, only you can tell where, you are going to have to listen to what she thinks is the problem with your marriage. As hard as it may be with the resentment that has likely built up, listen with as much as an open mind as you can manage. Try to school your thoughts away from I did not do that, that is not what I meant, she is so wrong to what does she mean by that? Do I understand what she is saying? What would I need to do differently to change that? 

IF you were inclined toward counseling, another thing that has sometimes worked is go yourself. Many a spouse imagine you sitting there b!tching to your counselor with no defense and wind up at counseling as well....

Good luck! It sounds like a challenging situation. 

One parting note. My Mom is a divorce lawyer. Many of her clients have later said that they wish they had tried again. Divorce is no picnic either. Know what you are getting into!

Again, good luck.

S


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Welcome to the "New World"


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Attempting to be helpful is bad to you, Kobo? Attempting to support a fellow human being is bad to you? Do you have something useful to add of your own?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Attempting to be helpful is bad to you, Kobo? Attempting to support a fellow human being is bad to you? Do you have something useful to add of your own?


Lighten up hun


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Lighten up hun


You have to SAY something.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> You have to SAY something.


Just getting in touch with my feminine side.


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Thanks everyone for their input. I have decided to get a few books. However, I have already set boundaries, and have clearly told her, anymore B***H sessions and I am out of here. I absolutely will not tolerate any sh**. 
The other day she told me being married to me was like being marries to a retard. I yelled @ her for probably the 1st time in 25years. She said she meant it as a joke. She's even lying to her self now.
Sex is so far out of the question now, that I am resenting her for it. This is really unhealthy, I know. I feel I have to go through the motions.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A wife who calls her husband a retard is stupid! She has no respect for you! Don't put up with her anymore. Let her know that YOU ARE THE MAN. YOU WEAR THE PANTS!

Some words shouldn't come out the person's mouth even it is joking! 

And I believe she just used it to get her ass out!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Geee, I would never call husband a retard. Where did she get the nerve? I don't even say the word "stupid".
Stepping on a man's dignity & making fun of it?!
She's insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jeep73170 said:


> Thanks everyone for their input. I have decided to get a few books. However, I have already set boundaries, and have clearly told her, anymore B***H sessions and I am out of here. I absolutely will not tolerate any sh**.
> The other day she told me being married to me was like being marries to a retard. I yelled @ her for probably the 1st time in 25years. She said she meant it as a joke. She's even lying to her self now.


Yelling at her is ineffective limit setting. Telling her you won't tolerate is in effective limit setting. You DID tolerate it. You reacted to it. I don't know what she thinks she wants, but she got validation for her outburst.

Effective limit setting is actually NOT tolerating the verbal nonsense by leaving. Walk away. 



> Sex is so far out of the question now, that I am resenting her for it. This is really unhealthy, I know. I feel I have to go through the motions.


You want to have sex with someone who thinks you are a retard? Your hand respects you more.


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

We have had several heated conversations about her saying this, but she has yet to apologize, and then she says I am cold & hard, I wonder why ??????


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Go visit some friends for a few days. Turn your phone off. This type silence/absence has far more power than any words you might use. After the few days - send her a short text. Very short. Something like:

when you are ready to apologize let me know - until then I don't wish to be in your company

Don't respond/react to anything other than an apology. Don't let her turn this into a conversation about how you were wrong to leave. Just ignore anything other than an apology.

But don't do this unless you are willing to take it to the finish line which will either be a LOT more respect or divorce.





Jeep73170 said:


> We have had several heated conversations about her saying this, but she has yet to apologize, and then she says I am cold & hard, I wonder why ??????


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Go visit some friends for a few days. Turn your phone off. This type silence/absence has far more power than any words you might use. After the few days - send her a short text. Very short. Something like:
> 
> when you are ready to apologize let me know - until then I don't wish to be in your company


While I don't think a forced apology is a useful apology, MEMs PoV on limit setting is going to be effective. If it were me I would be more focused on disconituing that nasty behavior. When you are ready to communicate respectfully... but that is a small point.

The way MEM describes, you are backing your limit with ACTION thereby really NOT tolerating the behavior. You are so gone, you aren't tolerating it.



> Don't respond/react to anything other than an apology. Don't let her turn this into a conversation about how you were wrong to leave. Just ignore anything other than an apology.
> 
> But don't do this unless you are willing to take it to the finish line which will either be a LOT more respect or divorce.


:iagree:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree. The better move is not to demand an apology. It is to require a promise the behavior won't be repeated. A commitment of future behavior is more important than a forced statement of remorse that may not be genuine.




vthomeschoolmom said:


> While I don't think a forced apology is a useful apology, MEMs PoV on limit setting is going to be effective. If it were me I would be more focused on disconituing that nasty behavior. When you are ready to communicate respectfully... but that is a small point.
> 
> The way MEM describes, you are backing your limit with ACTION thereby really NOT tolerating the behavior. You are so gone, you aren't tolerating it.
> 
> ...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I agree. The better move is not to demand an apology. It is to require a promise the behavior won't be repeated.


And Each and Every time she slides back, since habits take time to relearn she will, you walk away. WHEN you are ready to speak to me with respect, THEN we can continue this conversation.



> A commitment of future behavior is more important than a forced statement of remorse that may not be genuine.


I agree.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Just getting in touch with my feminine side.



That's priceless. Are you Deejo's brother lol.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jeep, all the “symptoms” you’ve mentioned are very indicative of over tolerance and way too much patience. As you know all that gets you is “more of the same”. Trying to coach and help them by teaching “new ways of being” all it gets you is “more of the same”.

Don’t want any more of the same? Become intolerant and impatient and don’t try and help them. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

Bob


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i agree with mem, do not engage until she says sorry for calling you names and being just all around mean.

maybe she has anger issues, and could use therapy to work out her agression.

she is prob upset at something from the past. not saying your fault.ha-ha, but it would explain some of the rude behivor, and its her prob now because she wont talk about it and is takeing to out on you.

hope you come to a conclusion soon. good luck


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@vt...very interesting point that to react to a bad behavior is more tolerant than setting a limit in another way.
I'll need to figure that out.

Also interesting: the point that a commitment to future behavior is more important than an apology for something that's already done. 
(can't remember whose comment that was)

my H only does the intolerable behaviors once we're at a certain escalates point.
---that doesn't make them any more tolerable and
---it can't just be up to me to keep us from escalating...though I'll try as much as I can
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Go visit some friends for a few days. Turn your phone off. This type silence/absence has far more power than any words you might use. Don't let her turn this into a conversation about how you were wrong to leave.
> But don't do this unless you are willing to take it to the finish line which will either be a LOT more respect or divorce.


i read in a book that men fall in love with their wives as they walk out the door.i belive it is vice versa to.
the only thing at this point would be to do what mem said.

my H did that to me when i did something i shouldnt have and he didnt want to be around me.him leaving just to cool off really made me feel nerves,wondering if he is coming back and made me think more about my actions.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> i read in a book that men fall in love with their wives as they walk out the door. i belive it is vice versa to.


Heh aye! Cruel world isn't it?


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## imago1 (Dec 30, 2010)

She sounds emotionally abusive.I'd be gone.U don't have to take that.Life is short,don't waste it on her.


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