# Back in the Doghouse Again



## brian86 (Aug 12, 2014)

The day before yesterday, my wife got upset at me for being too playful in the bedroom. We've talked about it before and she says she feels like she's with a child constantly and she wants to be with an adult. She asked me to sleep in the living room afterwards, and we ended up talking all day. I eventually slept in our bedroom with her and we had a decent night and decent following day. However, she told me to sleep in the living room again. Last night, we went to bed around 9:30 or so. I touching her and kissing her and she was a bit responsive, but after I kept this up for awhile, she seemed to be falling asleep. So I just kissed her on the head and let her sleep. This morning, she woke up and said "Next time you don't have to be early and I do, please don't keep me up". After lying in the dark for awhile, I said "I'm sorry for keeping you up, it was inconsiderate" to which she replied "This is why you have to sleep in the living room. You HAVE to sleep there tonight. This is what happened when I give you chances. Keep in mind, we've had a history of her being upset at me and not having a good night's sleep.

On paper, we match very well. She's an A-type that stresses very easily, she's very attentive to detail, athletic, and a very stimulating with conversation. I'm a B-type that doesn't stress very easily, I'm very intuitive, athletic, and more of a listener than a talker.

The problems come with my passiveness with my B-type, I miss a lot of details, I've not been a GOOD listener, and I've been selfish, but with the best intentions, throughout our relationship.

Early on in dating, she had to deal with my ADD issues and it was hard to keep a conversation with me. I would jump subjects constantly. That was just a metaphor for who I was as a person. I wasn't somebody you could really relax around, despite being a laid back person. I was constantly playing and playful too, which is fine to an extent, but once again, it didn't allow her to relax. Jump forward to us having a lot of bedroom problems and not really knowing why. We decided to get married so I could get health insurance and figure out what was going on. After we go married in December 2012, it took me all the way to February 2013 to get around to setting up a Dr. appointment. I didn't show the urgency that I wanted to be better. I went to two endocrinologists, a neuropsychiatrist, a therapist, an orthopedist, and I've had two surgeries (unrelated to bedroom problems). Essentially I had been showing a lot of symptoms of hypothyroidism. Rather than undergo treatment, she and I were looking into what we could do through diet. After a lot of changes, my follow-up tests with the endocrinologist showed improvements in the bloodwork. 

Growing up, I suffered from depression which I covered with my therapist. I didn't really think of me being depressed until I discovered I behaved in a way that showed all the signs of depression. I never got excited about anything, I was really flat with emotions, and I would occasionally feel really down , which is when my depression got worse. During all of this time, I didn't really develop normally. I didn't learn to function on a normal social level, I didn't know how to express or connect emotionally, and I had a string of bad sexual experiences. This all led to having an abundance of problems with my wife. I'm sure it's not that hard to figure out what those problems were. 

We've had so many arguments, and so many nights where she didn't sleep well. She got sick more frequently than she ever had and she blamed me for everything. She went away for OCS (officer candidate school) for the army and we had a pretty bad argument before she left. She had been so stressed she got really ill while she was there and had to leave early. One of her major ambitions in the army was to treat it as a stepping stone to working for a three letter division (CIA, FBI, etc.). As we started getting more serious, she got an offer to work for a think tank in DC, which was essentially a dream job for her and was exactly what she was hoping for. We discussed the possibility of balancing her living there and me visiting. I said I couldn't leave because I still wanted to see if I could make it in acting (which is a whole other problem with our relationship, but more on that in a minute). After discussing the job for a day or so, she decided not to take it so we could stay together. She wrote to them and declined. The thing is, with this kind of job, it doesn't pop up very often. She had to think of a way to flourish and plan for the future since her original plans had floundered. So she decided on a personal training company which we started together. 

During this time, I had been trying to be an actor. Here's a few reasons that was a problem: 

I had thousands of dollars of credit card debt from acting school which I brought to our relationship. 

Every time She saw me in a play, she didn't feel proud of me. The first time she saw me, she was soft with her criticism, and we just talked about it. I told her I was still growing as an actor and had to figure things out. After she saw me in several other productions, I think her resentment grew. 

She stayed in NYC and gave up her dream job to stay with me because I pursued acting, which I was absolutely horrible at. 
I could keep going with all the problems we've had, but as you can see, there have been a lot. I've essentially drained her of her energy, her hopes, her health, and her happiness. Through all of this, we've had some great moments, but she's told me there's never been, not even one time, where she look back at our relationship as the golden times. Nothing to show her "Well we at least had that spark" to go back to, some kind of hope that there's something worth working towards. She has admitted to me that she believes there's a connection at our soul level and she doesn't think we're incompatible on that level. She just thinks we're not working on the mental and physical level. We've had a great many close calls. IF we didn't have the business together, the apartment together, and if we were financially in a much better state, we essentially wouldn't be together right now. 

Basically, since She is trapped, she has to make the best of it. Yesterday was a pretty decent day and we had a good time together. However, last night when I messed up her sleep, I started the process over. I'm going to keep trying, because it's either that or give up and just stay in the living room living our lives separately until we can divorce. The idea of that scares me and breaks my heart, but I now I've caused our relationship to be this way. I haven't told you everything, because that would take way too much time. I know I've said a lot of emotionally charged things and I've been very selfish, weak, and haven't shown the traits of being a man. 

So...here I am and I have to sleep on the couch tonight. I love my wife, but sometimes I wish I never met her because I feel like I've stolen years from her life without giving anything back. It's too late for that and all I can do is try my best at this point. I don't really have any friends, because I'm from a different state. Everyone I knew here was from acting school basically and I don't keep in touch with them because I don't really have much in common beyond acting with most of the other people. I just needed to vent and hear thoughts from other people.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

brian86 said:


> The day before yesterday, my wife got upset at me *for being too playful in the bedroom.* We've talked about it before and she says she feels like she's with a child constantly and she wants to be with an adult.


Interesting story. Could you clarify what she means by "too playful in the bedroom." I'm not quite sure what she is referring to and why that would lead to banishment to the couch; I think that would help us understand and give you better advice.


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## brian86 (Aug 12, 2014)

Basically I behave like a kid and be playful. We've had fun playing together, but I go overboard. I turn just about everything into a joke, and pretty much kill any sexual tension between us. IT's not the first time, and she's told me how much of a turn off it is to behave like that as often as I do.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She doesn't want you to act like a child so when you do she treats you like one and you just accept it, thereby reaffirming her thoughts about you being childish.

If she tells you HAVE to sleep in the living room tell her she HAS to get over it or get the F out. Nut up and defend yourself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When you're being playful next time see if you can get to that stick up her ass and get it out of there.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Suggestions:

1) tone down your playfulness so it doesn't turn her off and kill the mood
2) be more assertive and less accepting of her controlling behaviors
3) buy a very comfortable couch (think long-term)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

brian86 said:


> I turn just about everything into a joke, and pretty much kill any sexual tension between us. IT's not the first time, and she's told me how much of a turn off it is to behave like that as often as I do.


Well, as a woman, I can tell you that when my man is making love to me, I would probably be quite turned off too if it always turned into a clownish joking experience. He is a take-charge kind of guy; there is a true connection, true intimacy, a real bonding. I would think that joking about it would kind of kill the mood. Of course, sometimes lovemaking can and should be playful, sometimes downright funny. Nothing wrong with smiles and laughs occasionally.

Are you doing it because you're nervous? Are you afraid to show vulnerability, and so you clown around to compensate for your unease? I would think after so many years together you wouldn't feel the need to camouflage your real feelings.

I believe the real issue is your lack of finding success at a career (in your case, acting) and her feeling like she gave up a lot to give you that chance. She has lost respect for you, and the bedroom is one place you could command respect back. Your choice to turn lovemaking into one big joke just adds to her diminished respect.

I'm not sure what you're asking... how to stay out of the doghouse and get back into the bedroom?

For starters, I would watch some movies with some steamy, intense love scenes so you can see how a woman wants to be treated during lovemaking. Stop hiding behind humor. Don't be afraid to make yourself vulnerable.

Next, I think you two should probably find a marriage counselor who can help you sort out these very big issues surrounding both of your career choices. I am presuming that you feel like a failure and have self-esteem issues, and she is full of regrets. Those are whopping big guilt-trips to carry around.

Welcome to TAM... I wish you the best.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Issue #1 - Sleeping

If your wife values sleep so much, tell her you will leave her alone at whatever time she would like and also ask to fit in intimacy into her day PRIOR to that time.

Issue #2 - Lack of intimacy

Above should fix it assuming she cares enough to make sure you are satisfied. From what you telling me now, SHE DOES NOT.

And just about every woman on here will tell you what that leads to.

Issue #3 -try to be more mature. I have this problem too BTW, I have a tendency to joke around and act like a silly little kid at times (but NOT during intimacy etc). You said it yourself, you have issues listening and your wife communicated something. LISTEN AND DO IT. This is as important as #1 for your wife.

As for "sleeping in the living room". Tell her ABSOLUTELY NOT, if she wants to go to sleep at 8pm, that's fine and you will come into the bedroom when you are ready to go to sleep. I would suggest that you stand firm on this, if she doesn't like it she can go sleep on the couch.

Almost 20 years of marriage and not once has my wife EVER told me to sleep on the couch. And even if she did, that would not happen. The only nights I spent on the couch were the nights I CHOSE to do so.....and we are talking like 2-3 times during our relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wolf1974 said:


> when you're being playful next time see if you can get to that stick up her ass and get it out of there.


rotflmao


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What are you doing for your ADD? I ask because even the length and rambling nature of your post speaks of uncontrolled ADD. As does the inability to listen and then DO. And the inability to hold a good job, or the tendency to bounce from one intense interest to the next. And the deal with turning everything into a joke. Living with an unmanaged ADDer can be a lot like living with someone in the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder - only you never hit the down phase, it's always the up one. It can really take a huge toll on relationships, and the ADDer is the one both least likely to be bothered by it and the only one capable of properly addressing it. I would guess that you sort of like the fact that having her in your life means you don't really have to grow up because she's there to act as your mother, while at the same time you also deeply resent that she acts like your mom. 

Your wife has definitely got the care-taker personality. She probably doesn't want to be your mother, but she's also probably pretty aware that you need someone to fill that roll for you. So, while she loves you and wants to take care of you, she also resents you for needing her to act like your mom. By the way, most women are turned off of sex with a guy they have to parent outside the bedroom, especially if he then behaves immaturely inside it. 

Essentially, without some hard work and commitment from both of you, your marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen. You've got to learn to be a functioning adult in the real world who is capable of managing his own life. She's got to learn to not take on a parental role, to trust you to manage your own life, and to stop being a martyr. Then the two of you have to figure out if you even like one another enough to keep trying to save your marriage. The parent-child dynamic you currently have simply isn't one that is sustainable in most marriages.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

?????? go sleep on the couch?

she is a bully and you are acting like a coward. you havve to take a stand when dealing with a bully. and if that means the end of things .....so what move on


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

If she needs to get up early, maybe she should be on the couch.
Man up for pete's sake. Don't let her treat you like a child and don't act like one all the time.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

brian86 said:


> After lying in the dark for awhile, I said "I'm sorry for keeping you up, it was inconsiderate" to which she replied *"This is why you have to sleep in the living room. You HAVE to sleep there tonight. This is what happened when I give you chances. *Keep in mind, we've had a history of her being upset at me and not having a good night's sleep.
> .


wait, has she been reading that cuckolding thread? :rofl:

Don't put up with this crap. find your balls and set her straight.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_Jump forward to us having a lot of bedroom problems and not really knowing why. We decided to get married so I could get health insurance and figure out what was going on. _

OP, am I reading this correctly? You were already having problems in the bedroom and one of the main factors on you getting married so you would have health insurance? This relationship seems to have started with problems. 

You shouldn't be dealing with sex concerns before marriage and making the big step into marriage should be for two people in love and respect for each other, not getting insurance.

I hope things get better for you.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think you should get your ADHD treated by a mental health professional.

Being banished to the couch is the ultimate F U and should not be tolerated at all. I have never slept on the couch, and never sent my man there in 24 years. For me, that would be the beginning of the end.

Ask what SHE want in the bedroom. Also, give up the acting. It sounds like you have plenty of experience acting like a fool as it is.

Good luck!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Wow, first of all... there is nothing wrong with who you are. Your acting like there is, but it's not true. Your playful in bed, she doesn't want to play. Ok, well maybe you two can work something out, but if that's who you are then that's who you are. Own it and learn to love it. If she wanted more sleep she could have said something instead of going along with it. It seems like she wants to reinforce the idea that you are the problem. And your accepting that premise. There was no reason for her to bring last night back up, save for blaming you for something. She could have just as easily slept on the couch or cut you off if sleep was that important. If she just wanted to make you feel good by letting it go on even though it was doing nothing for her, she wouldn't have brought it back up. She may blame you for her career decisions, but they were HER decisions. 

Now, my wife and I were not in love when we got married. But holy crap are we in love now. So your wife can do one of two things: cry about the fact that she can't think of a golden time or she can make one with you. 

Don't accept blame for being you. That, and start taking control of yourself. Make a plan to become exactly who you want to be. Don't let her lead you if she is leading you into self doubt and depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My suggestion?

Stop letting her control and dominate the entire context of your relationship.

That can start by sorting your own crap out and stopping letting her throw you out of your own bedroom for wanting to have sex with your wife. Stop letting her define what success or failure is to you.

"OK wife, I hear you, you want to have a good sleep without me. The couch is out there." Then roll over and go to sleep with a smile on your face.

Start there.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> When you're being playful next time see if you can get to that stick up her ass and get it out of there.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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