# Please Honest Advice Needed.



## FelineGood (Jan 23, 2012)

Almost four weeks ago I discovered that my husband had a 'thing' with anouther women. And I am still so confused as to what it all means? Please if you can, share your experience, advice or wisdom as I so need help from someone outside this horrible experience. I need to be able to get some perspective and work out if our marriage can be saved.

I have been in a relationship with my husaband for 15 years since we were both at school. During this time I truly believed we had something special. It has always been 'us' versus the world through good times and bad. We got married in 2010 as we both felt the time was right (finances and college etc prevented us doing so before). We then had a much longed for baby last year. I truthfully felt life had never been better for us.

Last December my husband went on a works night out. I have always trusted him implicitly, as I believed that like for me the thought of cheating was repulsive. I didn't know at the time that my husband started flirting with a younger women at his work (we are both 30 she is 20). He says nothing happened that night but that over he next few days they began flirting more heavily. In the week that followed he had long private facebook chats and flirted at work. The following weekend my husband asked to go out again with workmates and I was happy for him to do so, even telling him he deserved a night beucase he had been working hard to support me and our baby. 

The 2nd night he went out, he lied from the very start. Rather than a large group going out he had arranged to go out with this OW and anouther female workmate. He lied about where they were going. He was working earlier in the evening and had left work to give this OW a lift to her friends then returned to work and back home to me to get ready to go meet them. He kissed me goodbye. He then met these women and proceed to continue his flirting with the OW in a pub. All three of them took amphetamine (speed), something which he knew I would hate him doing and despite him driving. After dropping the friend off at home he and this OW then sat in his car in a secluded spot and proceed to kiss for nearly four hours. He asked her for sex but could not get an erection, so instead they continued kissing and he claims there was no other skin on skin contact.

When he returned home to me I had beenn dreaming he was cheating and after I told him this and he cuddled and chatted with me for over an hour making me feel so loved and cherished. But the next morning and throughout christmas time he continued to chat to the OW on facebook and via text. After 4 days for some reason I got curious a while on our PC deceided to check his facebook. I haven't ever used facebook and his has always been on automatic login (Before this I didn't believe there was anything we didn't share or any secrets between us). He had about a weeks worth of saved messages between him and her. The messages weren't graphic but I read enough to know he had taken drugs and to wonder who the hell this other women was. Stupidly I immediately text him to say "what the hell you been up to?". His first response was to log into facebook and delete the messages (they couldn't be retireved so I have not been able to read any of the conversations other than a few snippets I coudl recall from intially finding them). 

Duirng the next four days my husband lied constantly. He told convulted stories to try and cover his tracks, but over many exhaustiing days the truth (or as far as I know). Throughout this time I hoenstly still didn't believe he would have cheated.

Now it has been four weeks. The pain is still so raw. I feel utterly betrayed. Betrayed becuase he started the flirting, becuase he didn't stop it, becuase he got physical with he and still didn't stop it. Up untill the whole truth came out he did not act remorseful only sly and manipulative. Since he told me the truth he has practically begged forgiveness and sworn his love for me and our son almost hourly. He has endured my temper, tears and frustration. At times I want to cling to him and somethimes when we are home just the three of us, it feels almost like it could be normal one day. But when I have to face the real world I can not bear the pain. I have humilated myself by confronting this women and at least 10 other people know of what happened. I feel shame for wanting to stay but shame that my husband strayed after only a year of marriage. 

My husband swears that he was happy with his marriage and with me and has not tried to condone his behaviour. His only real explaination is that being around this OW made him feel young. He said that initally the flirting was harmless but he become almost addicted to it, hence the number of chats escalated. He insisted that he did out on the 2nd night planning on cheating but lied about where he was going becuase he knew he would be flirting and that this was wrong. He says taking drugs was anouther spur of the moment decision and again made him feel "young and reckless". He claims he did not love this OW in any way and that any passion he felt when they got physical was almost a disappointment. He claims his reason for continueing to talk to her untill I found out was that he liked the flirting but had no intention of getting physical again. 

His explanation for not having felt any remorce or guilt through the three week period (from it startign to when he finally came fully clean), was that he was able to compartmentalise the guilt and just not think of it. He claims to fully appreciate the pain I am feeling and that he is now a change man and knows could never do this again.

We have been trying to make it work, but it still hurts so bad. I have started trying not to use the word affair, hoping that instead what he had was more minor. I tell myself he didn't commit adulterly because he didn't have sex but no in my heart he broke our wedding vows. 

Our relationship has always felt so special and I have never doubted before that we would grow old together. I have been compelted shocked by his behaviour and question every moment we have ever shared. 

Can a man truly love someone and do this? 
Does his explanation and promises sound geninue? 
Can an affair happen when someone is happily married? 
If me and our baby weren't enough for him duirng such a special time in our lives will we ever be enough?
Has anyone ever really got over infidelity or will my marriage feel tainted for ever? 

I have though of nothing else in weeks and would really appreciate any adivice anyone can give. Not even sure exactly what I am asking for just some help to understand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Feline,
I’m sorry for what you are going through, adultery is a hard thing to deal with.

Yes, it is completely possible for someone in a good marriage to cheat. For those in a good marriage, they make bad decisions, one after another. Do you that you are not responsible for your husband’s choice to cheat. It’s his to own all by himself.

One of the problems we have in our society today is that there seem to be few boundaries. A lot of people like the 20 year old and the people who work with your husband and knew about this, have no respect for marriage. They could care less about the pain and destruction they are encouraging.

What did the other woman (OW) say when you spoke to her? Did she seem to realize how wrong she was to participate in the affair?

On sites like this people call the affair discovery day D-day. My D-day was about 10 years ago. So I might be able to give you some idea of what it’s like over the long haul. 
Like you, after my D-Day I was a mess. We had been married for only a year. It was definitely the 2nd worst day of my life. The first worst was the still birth of twins. For two weeks I was a mess. I did not go to work and only called in on some of those days. I still don’t know why they did not fire me.. don’t know how I got away with that. But at the time I did not care. For those two weeks I hardly ate anything and did not talk to anyone except my husband. Our children (his 2 and my 1 were in junior high) were neglected for those two weeks. When I went back to work, I could not do any work for about 6 months. I would just go in to work, turn on my computer and sit there looking at the screen and surfing the net looking for something to read to lift the pain and stop the constant replay of the images of my husband with the OW, thinking of all the love letters, etc. I was lucky that I was a team lead so I could assign all the work to others. I’m a software engineer. I could not think clearly enough to do my job. At about 6 months out I finally went to a doc and got antidepressants and slowly climbed out of the depression. I think it was about the 3rd year when the affair did not dominate my daily thoughts.

Generally, most sources say that it takes 2 – 5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from an affair. 

If you decide to recover your marriage, it will never be the same. It can be good again. But it will never be what is used to be. There is something akin to a loss of innocence that changes things. Trust becomes something earned and it can be lost very easily.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now on to the affair…. And yes it was an affair.

Your husband is doing that most WS (wayward spouses) do. He’s not quite telling the true… letting out only as much as he thinks you already know. And then telling it in a way that he thinks minimizes what he did.
He said that they just kissed and no other skin contact. Um… he asked her for sex. You have no idea if what he has told you is the truth because he deleted the evidence. Deleting evidence is a huge red flag. What was in those messages that he does not want you to see?

About 4 months after my D-day, after my husband only admitted what a knew. And each time I found out more he only admitted to the new info. I finally told him that I cannot trust him. That since he has lied so many times I have to simply assume that my worst thoughts are the reality of what went on.

I’m sorry to say that your husband is probably lying to you. That’s what WS’s do. They are more concerned about their own skin. 

Your husband said that the drugs and the girls made him feel younger. Come on, he’s 30. This is not old in a society where he will most likely live to 80 or 90. It might be a clue though as to what is going on with him. While having a baby is a great joy a huge percentage of affairs occur around a pregnancy. The husband, who is used to all of his wife’s attention, now has to share her with first the pregnancy and then a new baby. He feels that he’s been abandoned on some level. So like your husband, some men stupidly look outside their marriage during the pregnancy or in the first year or two after the baby is born. This is not an excuse for what you husband did. It’s important to know his triggers so that you can affair-proof your marriage in the future. 

So what do you do to recover your marriage?

I highly suggest that you get the book “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley. Also, after reading that book, read the ones at the links next to building a passionate marriage in my signature block below. These books saved my sanity and my marriage. My husband and I read the books together, aloud, and did what the books instructed us to do. 

Here are some things you can do now to get started with your recovery.

First off do not minimize what your husband did. He needs to know that if he does not do what is necessary, your marriage is over.
1.	The WS has to end all contact with the OW and with those who facilitated the affair.

2.	Generally it’s advised that the WS write a no-contact letter that the WS then mails to the OW/OM.

3.	Since your husband works with the OW, he really does need to find a new job. Maybe you will get lucky and she will quite. At her young age there is a high probability of this.

4.	Your husband has to agree to complete transparency so that he can prove his trust worthiness to you. He does this by:

a.	Giving you all of the passwords to his computer, email accounts, Facebook and any other accounts he has. He also needs t give you the password to his cell phone.

b.	Agreeing to you putting a key stroke monitor the computer the computer that he uses. 

c.	Agrees that you can check his computer accounts, cell phone, etc at any time you want.

5.	He needs to talk to you about the affair. You will have endless questions. You will ask the same ones over and over. It’s a necessary process. He has to let you ask these questions of him and he has to answer them truthfully, over and over without anger.

6.	You have to make him feel safe enough to trust you with total transparency and in answering your questions. This means that you cannot throw the info he gives you up into his face. You cannot punish him by using the things he tells you as ammunition in future arguments. 

If you catch him with any communications with the OW, or any other woman you are back to square one.


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