# Confused in a sexless marriage



## ksmale (Mar 9, 2012)

I have been married for almost 13 years. When we met she was exactly what I was looking for in a mate. We used to have sex constantly. She was a total freak. I figured I found the one and decided I could spend the rest of my life with her. Over the next couple of years once we got married it started changing until it got to the point where it could be months before we would have sex and it's always I who initiate. I have let her know that I was unhappy and that I could not live like this and she would try for ~2 weeks and then everything goes right back to nothing in the bedroom. I have tried to ignore my needs and just live in a marriage where I was sexually ignored and unsatisfied. She claims she loves me and is attracted to me but I don't believe her. 

When we do have sex, I go out of my way to make sure I am handling my responsibilties with her. I am willing to do anything within good measure to satisfy her. From oral till my jaw is sore to toys, Hell I even got a reverse prince albert due to the fact that it "supposedly" can enhance her pleasure.

I have gotten to the point where I resent her. When we do have sex now I feel bad afterwards, almost like she is giving me some pity sex to shut me up. I am completly frustrated but remain faithful. I am now considering divorce but we have children and my biggest goal has always been to be the father to my children that I never had. I am afraid to lose them. 

I have gone to counselors for depression and anxiety. After many sessions the conclusion was that my marriage is what's causing me so much stress and anxiety. I stopped counseling since it felt like it was mostly me talking to myself consistently but it made me realize how damaging my relationship had become.

Do I set aside my needs for another 15 years until my kids are adults? Would they be better off getting child support and spending time with a happy father or having their father still at home but completly frustrated and moody?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I wonder what changed with your wife to turn her from a freak to well, not a freak. Do you guys still go out just the 2 of you? Is she depressed?

I think it's awesome that you're willing to try all those things for her...prince albert...ouch lol


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## ksmale (Mar 9, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> I wonder what changed with your wife to turn her from a freak to well, not a freak. Do you guys still go out just the 2 of you? Is she depressed?
> 
> I think it's awesome that you're willing to try all those things for her...prince albert...ouch lol


Well, she was the black sheep in her family. All her sisters are the christian soccer mom type so I don't know if maybe that has had a hand in her changing her. I do know her mothers death really affected her but I don't know how that would change her desire levels so drasticly. We have tried date night before but we dont anymore due to being so frustrated for so long that I am no longer very willing to jump through hoops to get treated like crap again. She claims that I need to try harder but I am tired of being the only one sacrificing everything to end up frustrated again. The only thing that gets her attention is when I state that I want to leave but it only lasts a little bit and then right back to being alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ksmale said:


> Well, she was the black sheep in her family. All her sisters are the christian soccer mom type so I don't know if maybe that has had a hand in her changing her. I do know her mothers death really affected her but I don't know how that would change her desire levels so drasticly. We have tried date night before but we dont anymore due to being so frustrated for so long that I am no longer very willing to jump through hoops to get treated like crap again. She claims that I need to try harder but I am tired of being the only one sacrificing everything to end up frustrated again. The only thing that gets her attention is when I state that I want to leave but it only lasts a little bit and then right back to being alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what does she mean by try harder. Does she mean try harder to have sex?

when she stops after two weeks do you say something right away? Like "why do you stop after 2 week? We made an agreement to connect regularly and you understand the lack of connection effects me or you would not try for two weeks. 

If you know then tell me why you stop after 2 weeks? I feel you understand but don't care. It would be better to tell me why you don't care. You may not mean to be cruel but the effect on me makes me feel as if you do".

Dont let up. When she stops call her on it. What would her reaction be if you asked her about an open marriage if she is not interested in connecting with you?

How was she a black sheep? Could she be guilty or shamed?

Never say you are going to divorce unless you mean it.


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## ksmale (Mar 9, 2012)

Try harder as in, I need to chase her more, hug her, squeeze her, lust after her aka what I have been doing since the day we met. She doesn't seem to get that me trying harder keeps running into her not caring or acting disinterested.

Black sheep as in very promiscous, open to experimentation, drugs, alcohol. I would say she probably does have feelings of guilt or that she is trying to be the good person now. I knew her past before we decided to marry and accepted her for who she was, I wasn't virginal either. We don't drink or party anymore, we both have responsibilities. Last time we had anything to drink it was champagne on new years, one glass and that was pretty much it. 

I try to keep up on it as far as trying to keep her connected but it seems as if though I am talking to a wall. 

Open relationship is a nogo. If I get a phone call from a female coworker or or a text she starts bantering about how inappropriate it is even though it's stuff like, what do you think about this situation or what is your plan about how to handle this or that stuff, nothing even remotely flirtatious strictly business stuff. She has gotten violent recently thinking I am disrespecting her somehow so I try my hardest to avoid calls and texts with female friends.

Actually getting divorced I have not brought until recently within the last 2 weeks because I feel that this situation will not get better and I have wasted over a decade trying to work out the marriage so I am ready to move on. In the past I have asked for seperation but it typically ends in tears and empty promises of change. The only thing that makes me pause is the kids.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Violence! What do you mean. You mention that halfway into you second post? This is serious. Is she OK with the kids. 

Has she threatened you or was she aggressive before now? Is there a big change in her personality?

This may not have occurred to but do you think that you are being physically abused?

It there any possibility that she is having an affair? Sometimes cheaters accuse their partners of cheating.

One final question is it possible that she was sexually abused as a child or that she was raped?


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## ksmale (Mar 9, 2012)

She wasn't raped or abused as a child. She has attacked me physically 2 or 3 times in our relationship but nothing serious just slapped and pushed me or throwing things at me. I didn't bring it up before because honestly it didnt cross my mind. I have had suspicions of adultery but nothing solid, more along the lines of she isn't getting it from me so is she getting it elsewhere. She is ok with the kids for the most part. Sometimes I have stepped in due to her going too far discipline wise. Leaving makes me wonder though if she would take everything out on them.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why aren't you two seeing a marriage counselor? That could be a good place too express your concerns about her violence.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

KS may I pose a question? If a woman said that her husband threw things at her, slapped and pushed her 2 or 3 tines during the marriage, as a man what would you think? 

Abuse of men is under reported and often not taken seriously. I suppose it is because men are stronger than woman physically.

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence - Philip W. Cook - Google Books

But if abuse were a matter of physical ability why don't abused women use their feet to leave? 

Why don't they leave? The abuser breaks their partner down psychologically then they escalate the abuse. 

The abused often often does not recognize that they are being abuse because they side with their abuser and think that they deserve to be treated badly. 

I know that her violence was not the main focus of your post. 

However, I think it is among the aspects that you must use in your deliberation about where you want your marriage to go. Is also pertains to the protection of your children. 

You said I believe, that your wife's behavior changed recently and you are in therapy for depression and anxiety. Have you discussed with your therapist your wife's violence? 

You also describe your wife accuses you of cheating and has managed to make you anxious about receiving any communication from women. 

I think you need to consider that you are being controlled and abused by your wife and if so, it will escalate. 

I don't know the nature of her treatment of the kids but if it concerns you then there is a problem. 

I think the sexlessness of your marrage is the tip of the iceberg and that there are very serious problems.

I may be wrong but all the red flags are there. 

You have sided with your wife because you want to keep the peice and I think you are in denial. It is not normal to throw things and hit ones partner. That is domestic violence.

Think about it. If it rings true, begin to document any incidence of inappropriate dicipline of the kids and any aggressive behavior towards yourself. 

If she hits you again call the police. It may sound silly but if you decide to divorce her history of violence will be considered. You need proof. 

I hope this helps you to take a good look at your wife and your life. You could ask yourself, why you are walking on eggshells. 

Your wife is being unreasonable, yet you allow yourself to suffer. You have done so for years. Don't you think it is time for a change. 

Boundaries - she stops the violence, stops the accusations, and searching for evidence and disciplines the kids appropriately starting now.


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## ksmale (Mar 9, 2012)

Norajane, I have gone to counseling on my own for anxiety and depression. Ever since then the first thing she throws at me when the conversation of the lack of intimacy is that I have mental issues and need to be put on meds. Funny I don't suffer from depresion anymore and through counseling have learned of ways to cope with the anxiety. I am most definetly not imagining the lack of intimacy. She does not want to go to any type of counseling due to the stigma involved within her career as a soldier.

Catherine, I never thought of it from that point of view. I guess that I always thought that marriage was not something that was easy and it would be something that would take alot of work. I never really thought of myself as someone dealing with an abusive personality. I hope it doesn't come to calling the cops but I will take your advice and begin writing things down in case I have to protect my boys from their mother. I would hate to deprive her of her children but your right I need to worry about their well-being first and foremost.

Thank you all for you posts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are welcome. Marriage takes work but a normal marriages do not include violence abuse and sexual deprivation. So there you are dead wrong. 

Will you keep posting with your plans and what you are doing?

I'd like to make a suggestion. Would you like to post in the mens clubhouse? There are some good and sensible men who hang out there and they may be able to offer you the benefit of their experiences and offer support. 

I think you need help and support especially from men. You can link back to this thread.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

First of all, forget your problem and try to find that what is the problem with her. Is she depressed? What made her like this? Do you know the reason for her change?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Smith that's his problem forgetting himself. That would be ok in a healthy relationship but with a violent spouse it invites more abuse. 

He need to be himself the confident purposeful man he was before getting beat down in this relationship. 

He loves his kids and is concerned about them, if he reclaimed himself he would be able to act on his concerns. 

This is no time to put his wife first. She has proven to be unworthy of that status. 

How are you doing ?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Why did Borderline Personality Disorder just pop into my mind?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> Why did Borderline Personality Disorder just pop into my mind?


That seems to be it!

OP Read up on BPD. See if the description fits your wife. 

This might be useful.
Borderline Personality Disorder | Psychology Today


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You guys need help!

If she refuses to seek help in the form of counseling or from an MD to check her out physically, FILE. That might wake her up.

To be a good father YOU need to be happy.

You're ten years into this marriage so you're still relatively young.

I'm 26 years into my marriage and my only problem is we are slightly above being a sexless marriage but fine in all other departments yet still I ponder the future and my options.

Get out now if she won't work with you to fix these issues. DO NOT hand on for the sake of the kids!


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

I'd like to suggest 2 books for you to get and read together:
5 Love Lauguages (find out what hers is and work on that...appears that yours maybe physical touch)

and: Sex-Starved Marriage--

Start there and talk over what you guys have read together...


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