# Doesnt take a lot



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Today I dont want to think about moving on. I dont want to think about the life I had that has passed.
I dont care anymore about what is "right" or twisting the appearance of things to make myself feel better. 
No. There's no karma. There's no vindication except by my own hand. Theres not a soul alive on this fking planet that actually does give a sh!t about my situation. They all got their own problems.

I wish I could post what I really feel here.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, no, don't do anything stupid in terms of vindication.

I've posted before that I think occasionally it's fine to just spend a day in the pit. If that's what you need to do, do it. Wallow in it. Cry. Scream. Yell. Scare the dogs.

As long as you get back up tomorrow and resume your life. And yes, some people here do care.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm tired of hurting. 
I'm tired of the lightspeed manner with which she's moved on, and how globally accepted and encouraged it is by those who once were so close to me. 
How so many, so many people, had nothing to say. No "WTF"s, no backlash, no "karma" response....
Just all a great big happy accepting bunch of fking cheats and *****s themselves, so no wonder.

Thats alright though.
Gimme all you got. Let me see a video of them fking, just to set that sh!t in stone, and crush whatever possibly remains in terms of my own regard for her.

This aint right though. No man should have to revisit on a daily basis, the ex that cheated on him, and only always denies doing so. Sometimes I almost dont want to pick up my kid. Sometimes It makes me feel like I am cast out, the leper. I think in a way a lot of people see the left behind spouse as the bad-guy. He must have been doing something,,, or here comes debbie downer.. Run!!!

Why is their life good, and mine has to be lonesome and viewed with patheticism?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

At one time I believed that there was more value to family than there was to wealth, and personal success, and accumulation of "things". At one time I thought that my heart was in the right place by sacrificing so much of those things to keep and maintain and hold on to what was the most important thing to me above all that other stuff. 
And it seems that "I" end up being the joke. I am a fking joke, what I thought was really important appears to not be. I was wrong to think these people were anything more than animals.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

One in my position cannot convince the world that I am not looking for pity or sympathy. It is what it expected of the left behind spouse. While I try to get my feet under me, and attempt to have as little to do with her as possible, its been NOT possible. 
I have to see everything. I have to witness her new life unfold as mine still seems to be gathering my sh!t from miles around after the hurricane. 
What dignity could be had? Where do I find that dignity....
Such venom lately, and I have no outlet. I feel like I am on the fringe edge of losing my fking mind and going off on them over there.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That's ok, Shoo, you have us to talk to. Yep, you are really upset right now, but one action tonight could ruin your life forever. None of us want that.

And why do you think they are so happy? You don't even know. Stop dwelling on them and think about you. Your life is about YOU, not her, and YOU is the only thing you can control. So stay here with us, be angry, be crazy, be nasty, I don't care.

Just stay here with us.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You know, theres only so much a person should have to deal with.
It seems like Ive spent my life taking the high road, forcing restraint upon myself simply for the sake of keeping from being put in jail. It is quite the contrast, when being raised to stand up for yourself, and to not let people take advantage of you.
"Life" shows you how powerless you are against those things. My only option in the past for situations like this was to get away from it. Not to run like a coward, even when viewed as such, simply to keep from being incarcerated by protecting myself.

But dealing with a cheater, who has given everything you value away behind your back, and youre left to deal with the surprise of it, and the subsequent years of disentaglement, disengagement, disassociation. Plaster that fake smile on and attempt to find some ground that both feels solid and exhudes strength.

There doesnt seem to be any exit sign for me. I cant get away from the ex, without leaving my child too. Today I Want to move away so far away from it all. I want to start over again somewhere else. Who'd have thought that the primary battle would eventually be between myself and I, in keeping my actions in check.

One thing about this whole infidelity thing, is that its not just an occurance that happens and Oh Well, life goes on; 
Its an affront to the very core of something I stood for, something I believed in as "right" and good. Letting that go, and letting it happen to me without any retort, without any reaction from me, feels like I am tucking my tail in between my legs and cowering in the corner. I have become what I hate the most, a stand-for-nothing. Watching every tier of this fantasy Ive built of "worthwhile" things be torn apart and subjected to ridicule and mocking.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Shoo, it's only that if you define it that way.

Stop. Sit down. Breathe. And think about that.

It happens every single day, to someone. You can make it an affront to your very core, or you can accept that yeah, you got slapped, but you will rise above.

Do you really want to give her that kind of power, that she can touch your very core? Really? I think you are more of a man than that. I think you stand strong, regardless of what she does.

She can't destroy you. Only you can destroy you.

Right?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

yay for residual conflict within oneself. No, there will never be any harm-causing on my part... It's the doubt I'm left with after all this. Please know that much of what I post is venting and risks sounding pathetic and redundant. How easy it is to let a few days of feeling alright about things give a false sense of security. Power,,,right now I wish I felt like what she does has no effect at all. I'm really freakin challenged by seeing so much of what I thought was good about myself, and my mindset towards love and truth and the value of those things amount to just a flaw of mine. Today I saw a picture of who once was my beloved wife,, head resting upon the chest of her new man. I wasn't ready to see that, but expected it. Why did it affect me at all? What good is believing in truth when no one else seems to. Maybe it's just people down here? Is there paradise somewhere where you can trust people?


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Is there paradise somewhere where you can trust people?


Shoo, drive a few states north and let's get a beer! You sound like you need one!!! 

I think like you do at times as well. I think the difference between you and a lot of us guys on here is that you actually have your couple days or more of feeling ok and then you hit that wall and vent on here. Most of us don't say what we would really like to say. 

I've been thinking a lot here lately as I've had some extra time off to think....Why do we give so much power to our ex spouses? I mean seriously, they don't love us, they don't stand for what we stand for, it is completely a lost cause giving that power away. Wish I understood this better because I do it too. 

You are right about one thing you said earlier in one of your posts....There is no Karma. Forget about it. It doesn't exist. Part of me use to (and wants to believe so badly) that God will come down and strike my ex for what she did to me. It's not going to happen. They have moved on....my ex and yours and everyone on this sites ex wives and husbands. They are no longer with us. They are gone. Never again. We have to realize that and let them go completely. Raise our kids the best we can and ignore what they do. 

Question....Why the he!! are you looking at pictures of her laying her head on another man's chest? If this is on facebook then block her. Delete her profile. Never look at it again. Forget it exists. It would drive me crazy to keep reliving that sh!t and it is doing that to you. 

Are you still going to your old house to pick up your kid and drop her off? Then quit doing it. Tell your ex that plans need to change and "here" (where ever the heck "here" is) is the new drop off point. Get away from it. Forget about them. Pick up your child, give her a huge hug and kiss, and move on. There is no need to converse with the ex right now. Maybe a few years down the road there will be, but right now you need some space from that woman. 

And your answer to your quote above....There better be. This would be one sh!tty world if there aren't at least a few people with whom you can trust. 

By the way....I'm writing this post just as much for myself as I am for you, buddy.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You poor guy. I cry when i read your posts, I know how you feel. I have the same anger and disbelief as you. 

And I'm the woman. My ex has dumped me without a backward glance. Still blames me for everything even though HE is the one who had the EAs. He is the one who has not connected with me for about 9 years. HE is the one with the inpenetratble walls. HE is the one who has dumped me and has zero respect for me. 

I left my country to come to the States to marry HIM. I left my career, my friends, my family, everything to be with him. I believed him - that he wanted a life with me. 12 yrs later he left. He won't try, he says he has done nothing wrong, that its all MY fault. I have a little child who is suffering too.

I have kept his house, listened to his worries, slept in his bed, been there for him through bad financial times, supported him through his career, spent thousands of night home alone raising our child due to his shift work, dealt with our special needs child, I do all the homework, school visits, doctors, medications, everything. He has never missed a single day of work because of US. His career is soaring. I have zero skills now after being unemployed for so long and have been a SAHM for 9 yrs now. I can not get a job if I paid someone to hire me. Starbucks wont even hire me! I spent 2 days of painful labor ending in a horrible c-section giving birth to our gorgeous baby. I've cared for him through surgeries, personal tragedies.

He has zero respect for me and has thrown me away like a piece of garbage. I am filing for divorce TOMORROW because I cannot live in this limbo any longer. I am losing my mind. I have tried everything to mend our relationship. Everything the MC suggested (before the STBXH quit going). He has NOT changed one little bit. Its all about him. Every day he does something to hurt me. I cry myself to sleep every single night. 

If I ask him about anything I am told it is none of my business. He has re-written our history to paint an ugly picture of our life together. It all hurts so much.

I fear for my future... I can't pay my household bills even on the generous spousal support and child support I will receive. I will have to move into an apartment with my son and 2 dogs. I will be [email protected] poor. My whole life is being taken away by him and there is not a single thing I can do about it.

BUT... as angry and sad and grieving as I am I have to push ahead and take care of myself. I just have to. I don't have a choice.

I also wonder how can someone do this to another person?

I just pray it gets easier over time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, I have no pity or sympathy to give you, just to let you know I'm in the same crappy place so atleast you are not alone. I have no partner to love, none to love me, I don't want the old one back and can't find a new one. There are still good things in life, I just seem to experience only a tiny sample of them and I am hungry for the entre. I was forced to spend 45 minutes hearing my ex's voice tonight as she coaches the kids' kindersoccer team. I was going to coach at one point but feel like I'd be lousy at it (I'm sure I could learn to be good at it I just have no interest). I will have to endure this on a weekly basis for the next couple months. It sucks and I don't see it getting better - I know its up to me entirely to make it happen because it's MY life, however it's not my life it belongs to obligation, responsibility, dutifulness and labor. I'm not saying I have any unfair advantages, I just wish I wouldn't have missed the class where they taught us how to get what we want and enjoy it.

If I figure it out I'll pass along the secret to you, faking it works to a certain degree (by that I mean I'm still alive to try again the next day) but is not the answer I'm seeking. All I ask is if you find it first please share with me, ok buddy?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thank you guys for the heartfelt responses. Bad day yesterday, more reinforcement of how little the last ten years of my life mattered, and im sick of being reminded of it in every area of my life, even when attempting to be positive and keep my head up. I wish I would have somehow contracted whatever looney forget-it-all disease my ex has, and could present this whole integrated person moving on like a self controlled superstar. 
Thats another thing I hate. Her whole new relationship is a sham, and yet it presents this facade of strength and personal growth when its all bullsh!t. As if I have time to worry about what people think of me, but im stuck looking like the jaded ex forever full of venom. 

The school my girl goes to is within safe walking distance to the old marital home. The ex's mom lives there still, and is available to be with my girl when she gets home from school. As summer starts, having the ex's mom there to be with her makes too much logistical sense, and as well, my daughter hasnt really made any friends at my house, and its in a worse part of town, so I fear leaving her at home during the day. The old house is on the way to my own place, and but maybe ten minutes away. I would have to wait longer for the ex to bring her to wherever the meetup was.. but maybe that will have to become the situation later. 

I shouldnt care at all what my ex does. She hasnt been on FB in several months, and I still talk to family up north on it. A few mutual friends remain on my list, and the ex evidently reactivated her acct with a picture of herself and her new dooshbag, and is sending requests around. Im done with FB. I will call my family up north. 

Yesterday sukked big time. Seeing that picture was probably a good thing. Ensuring that any remaining fondness for the past was completely wiped out. The post about "never being happier in my life" comment on it was reinforcing.

I sure hope something develops for me soon. Like I was saying in an earlier post, it feels like I am stuck with the bag of feelings on all this, and WTF I dont want it!!
Im pretty sure I will eventually "Feel" better, as I have in the past and felt a lot more at ease. Hopefully I get there again. 
Maybe theres a reason Im seeing all this. Maybe I needed it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

time to plan something fun for yourself, just you, something thrilling or hilarious to get the endorphines flowing. yes, I'm a bit of a hypocrite for not following this advice myself, working on it!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Stop measuring the value of your life and worth using her yardstick.

It's meaningless. You think she has moved on. She thinks she has moved on. She hasn't moved forward Shoo,
she's simply taken a few steps sideways and convinced herself that she's moved on. 

I know very well it hurts. I know what it's like to have your partner expect you to take the high-road ... simply because that's what they expect.

It's ok to say F*ck that! occasionally as well.

This is going to hurt for as long as you apply your ex as your standard for happiness, or satisfaction with your own life and relationships.

The sooner you learn to let _that_, and her go ... the sooner you can move on; using a new yardstick. Yours. And you get to apply it to your own code of conduct, as well as those you interact with ... and thereby decide if you want to continue interacting with them.

Perfectly acceptable to feel the pain you are feeling.

But do not let that pain define you. The pain isn't about who you are, and sometimes the most difficult person to convince of that fact will be yourself.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Or,
I could seek her complete and utter ruination.
Send the complete text message between her and her OM, to every person she knows including her new man. At least they will get the truth that way.
Knock on the door over there, and once it opens, punch both of them in the fking face. Her for being a wh0re and him for being a stupidass bum*** that needs to learn not to fk around with married women.

Ah.. but life doesnt seem to hold the same consequences for others as it has for me. I quite expect them to win the lottery tomorrow.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Pain does define me. It will define every step into the future for me. It will determine the difference between whom I deem a complete wh0re and someone worthy of my time.
So much of life and interactions with people in this town, seemed to involve my acceptance of complete and utter bullsh!t, thinking people were more civilized and not all animals, I found that to be pretty pretentious of me, at least in this crowd down here.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Shoo, you will do what you need to do. I know this flies in the face of the conventional wisdom around here, but I think that kind of exposure (sending all the texts around to everyone) just makes you look small and petty and kinda crazy, and makes her affair look more understandable. 

I'm not looking for a fight here, I'm just saying what I'd think if I received something like that from a friend's ex.

Anyway, seems like you are feeling a bit better today? Maybe?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

At this point in your divorce Shoo, I agree with lamaga, no point in flinging her feces around, makes you look crazy and why would you want to touch her feces? Just leave it on her doorstep where she crapped it.

Also wise words yet again from Deejo _"You think she has moved on. She thinks she has moved on. She hasn't moved forward Shoo, she's simply taken a few steps sideways and convinced herself that she's moved on."_

That's exactly what I was wondering about my ex as I watched her coaching son's soccer last night - she sure looks like she's moved on, I wonder if she has. Then I got to wondering why I am even wondering. I don't really care about her even, yet just realized from Deejo's words I still use her yardstick to gauge my own recovery - how ridiculous!

I am making my own yardstick, I'v got the nice piece of wood, and have planed it down on all four sides, but I haven't put the marks on it yet or know what length to cut it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah, I wouldnt do anything like that. Funny thing though, no matter what you do or dont do, people who were mutual friends, look at the left behind spouse as if they are damaged.

I dont care what others think anymore. Back when I respected them as people and as friends, I may have attempted to explain myself, but now? You cant explain anything to animals who are themselves looking for a way to not consider their "Friend" a cheating hobag.

But yeah, Im doing better today. Just a lot of bitterness going on, I dont want to keep it, I want to let it go, I dont know why I am even thinking about any aspect of her life.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Uh, cuz you're human? 

It's all a process. It does get better, I promise!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, yeah I too feel like sometimes people look at me as if I was defective and that's why she left me. And with my type of personality and already low self-esteem it aint no help.

I too have a problem with mutual friends - I am always suspicious of them, thinking they are still secretly having a great frienship with the ex. At the beginning I told all our mutual friends that they didn't have to pick sides. Now I wish they had picked a side and I wish I knew if I had their allegiance or not.

What has this done, well it has moved me to invest more in new friendships instead, though I really wish this was a larger city where everyone wasn't just two degrees of separation from everyone else...

Want to hear a crappy thing? I dated a lady for awhile, turns out she had been a one-time client of my ex from before... and then while we were seeing each other she somehow decided it would be ok to start working for her!?! Even though I told her I didn't like and would lose respect for her. Even though I wasn't investing too much into it, felt like a kind of a little betrayal when I really didn't need one.

Anyways, sometimes we just have to let these things deflect off us.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I found out several mutual friends were playing between the ex and I. They'd fish about information about how I was and relay the information.. I'd post something about how I felt on FB, and suddenly get a call from the ex telling me to leave her out of my posts.. Funny thing is, the posts were about me, so that kind of tells you what her primary mindset is.. herself,, the center of the world.
I dont know.. not hopeful for much right now. Just keeping to myself and trying to refrain from letting this very strong anger towards her prideful sh!t cause me to do something to ruin my life.

How can one ever reconcile the concept that I get cheated on, lied to, treated like this, and yet, am LEFT with the fking bag of anger and resentment and almost uncontrollable desire for retribution.
This is like turning my back to the blows, and letting someone beat me down, and all for the sake of what life there is right now for me, I have to take this "high ground" that has so greatly betrayed me.
Nobody wants to turn into the bitter old man. I fear that more than anything, and really hope that time and patience will reduce that.

People think you are looking for pity, when you are really looking for some sort of exit door from all this hurt. The "divorce" didnt hurt half as much as being witness to the subsequent bold faced pride she has for herself and her new deep love that has her happier than shes ever been in her life.. 
All I got is such livid anger now. I dont even know if its really about her that the anger is directed at. Perhaps I am more angry at myself and the weak-assed pu$$y I feel like now.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> This is like turning my back to the blows, and letting someone beat me down, and all for the sake of what life there is right now for me, I have to take this "high ground" that has so greatly betrayed me.
> Nobody wants to turn into the bitter old man. I fear that more than anything, and really hope that time and patience will reduce that.


As much as you may disbelieve this the only one whipping you right now is yourself.

And as a wise man (me) once said (as of this very moment): if self-flagellation is not working for you then stop doing it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yep, Shoo -- Lon is right, and you don't really know what other people are thinking.

When my H left his wife (before I met him), his friends didn't really say anything to him. Later, when I was in the picture, they would talk to me -- they didn't say anything because they thought it would be rude, but they were all thinking, "Thank God he dumped her, she was awful!"

So, you just never know what people are thinking, and you'll make yourself nuts trying to guess.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoo, 

Your posts use to be very reflective. Now they are angry. I got angry last week, too and immediately went to the gym and busted out a workout like I haven't had in years. I let myself go this past year. I look in the mirror and I see a tub of crap. Hard to be confident in myself when I use to be ripped solid and now I'm below avg. I think you need to hit the gym. Exercise like a mad man. Find someone who has the P-90X or Insanity and get to work. Maybe changing yourself from the outside in is just as important as changing from the inside out. I just figured if i was going to be angry and still "feel" my ex (more like the shame associated with her) then I might as well use those feelings for something positive. 

Sit down and write out your goals on what you want to be...In one month, one year, 5 years down the road. Just start writing. Don't stop until you have it all down on paper just the way you want it. Then, tape it to your bathroom mirror so you have to see it every day. 

I'm not into the whole "faking it til I make it" stuff. I have my crappy moments. He!!, last weekend was a boring, sh!tty weekend for me. I wasted two days of my life feeling sorry for myself. I don't get those days back. They are gone. Same as my marriage. It's gone. I don't get that one back. Hopefully on down the road I get a "do-over" with someone else if that is the way the stars align but if not then that is ok too. Has to be. 

Lots more I want to say to you right now but I've taken enough space on your thread. 

Oh, one last thing....I started posting on here because of your posts. Actually, I think my first post ever was a response to you and how similar our situations are. So, see....You were my inspiration to begin my journey out of he!!. 

Take care, friend. 

Paradise does exist!!!! We will all find it sooner or later.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Awww, Paradise...what a nice message!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Shoo:
This is a line from a poem that I heard today on the Writer's Almanac:

Imagine what you would like to see happen, and then don't do
anything to make it impossible.

Are you taking any steps toward trying to find another woman? Are you enjoying any hobbies? Take action to fill your life with things to give you pleasure. I just hate to see you stuck in this cycle of anger with no way out.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm not doing a lot for myself lately. Confidence is way down. I know you guys' suggestions and wisdom are spot on. I think I've narrowed the accumulation of all this negativity lately down to the repeated triggering going on by actually witnessing her moving on and all, necessary to remain able to see my kid and being the kind of dad I want to be. 

I'm having a hard time keeping the focus on my kid. It almost seems coincidental that these "events" keep happening during my days with*her. * Is*the ex just inconsiderate, and thoughtless with the "look at me" mentality? Why does she pick my days with the kid that I have to go over there to have her new guy's sh!t outside mid-move-in? And same story with the reappearance on fb, with the "look at us" pic all over peoples pages. Tooooo many friends of friends of friends...


Sorry for all the floundering guys... I've only got myself to blame for not moving on faster..*
I sound like an abusive a$$ in my posts, but I'm not.. I do need to workout or something to get this stuff out. I guess I didnt expect it to be so prominent, and that I'd not be in her life as much. I think that, and adjusting to all this has me sorta just rebuilding my fortress of solitude instead of letting others in, or the focus thereof.. I didn't have a lot of time for self-concern, so much of life now is by the freaking seat of my pants...


Stuck for now, grow a pair, as I left them somewhere eight or nine posts ago....*


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

Hey Shoo, your posts reflect my emotional innards to a T.

I don't know what the answer is (well, there are very good replies in this thread but actually applying them seems beyond my grasp at this time).

There was a time where I hated picking up and seeing my kids after my separation...simply because they reminded me so much of her. Currently I have custody of my kids because the ex is a complete train wreck. A little bit of Karma .

Going 'scorched earth' on her - if done CORRECTLY - might have some therapeutic advantages...it has for me. Again, as mentioned you don't want to look like a raving nutcase. But maybe there are some small things you could do?


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Shoo, feeling for you! I don't have any words of wisdom, just words of encouragement and support. 

I know that it sucks to see the ex seem to have a perfect new life. My ex was having his perfect little new life when his little girlfriend up and decided to move out on him. So, there is a little bit of karma out there, we just have to find it  Be the best dad you can be. Those kids make it all worthwhile. And I would look into having a new pick up point for the kid rather than the old house. It may not be convenient, but it might go a long way toward making you feel a hell of a lot better.


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