# New and seeking guidance



## needprogress (Nov 9, 2012)

Been a long time reader of the forums here, but just recently joined to solicit feedback from others. I'm a 41yr old male who has been married for 10 years with 2 kids, 8 and 6. My marriage has never been spectacular, but has continued to deteriorate to the point that I feel its unacceptable. There is absolutely no intimacy from either of us and sex is non-existant. She states she wants intimacy from me, but never exhibits any desire herself. We do not do anything together as just us and scoffs at the idea of "date night". Her fun time is out with her friends, the time with me is serious with the goal of taking care of the kids. She states she has no interest in sex with me. We have recently started marriage counseling (at my initiative) that I am not overly optimisitic about. I am the one who often tries to have dialouge about our relationship, but she never wants to talk about it and admits to wanting to avoid it. The only time she does talk me about the relationship and is actually intimate with me is after she is drunk. Even the day after, the hangover day, she is very nice to me and actually feels like she desires me. Once that wears off, it is back to the usual. She has stated the marriage is "good enough" for her. I have told her I want a wife, not a roommate. In the past, she has said "You better get used to it as it ain't going to change." Lately, she has stated she doesn't know what to change and then refuses to talk to me about it in order to figure it out. I am very frustated with the situation as no progress is being made. I seem to be the only one trying to improve, but she as said the "roommate" relationship is fine for her. I have tried to let things be as roommates, but it begins to eat at me as it isn't what I want. Any advice or thoughts?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

needprogress said:


> She has stated the marriage is "good enough" for her. I have told her I want a wife, not a roommate. In the past, she has said "You better get used to it as it ain't going to change."
> 
> I seem to be the only one trying to improve, but she as said the "roommate" relationship is fine for her. I have tried to let things be as roommates, but it begins to eat at me as it isn't what I want. Any advice or thoughts?


My thoughts are similar to yours. The marriage is "good enough" for her. She is pretty insistent that she is not going to change, and she's not going to try to improve.

It doesn't sound like this is what you want.

Yes, all I did was parrot back what you said, but the truth is, you aren't happy and you need a change.

So, start changing. Start living the life you want - get out more, take up your old hobby, and in general be less available. Show her your changes. Give her some other incentive to change other than your verbal requests for change, because that clearly is not working.


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## needprogress (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks. I think you're exactly correct. I struggle in that I'm the kind of person that has a hard time just ignoring things that aren't quite right. I want to work on it, figure it out, and then do something about it. I guess I need to grin and bear it for now and put on my happy face, especially for the kids.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Get & read Married Man Sex Life (MMSL). Not the gospel but I bet many parts of it will ring true. At the very least, it will help put you in a better place, regardless of whether she responds or not.


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## needprogress (Nov 9, 2012)

I will check it out, thanks. 

The thing that really kills me is the lack of effort which to me means she only cares for herself and not about me. I thought women wanted to communicate and work things out, but my wife avoids all relationship communication.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I understand completely. This is very familiar territory for me, but just so you know, I haven't found any magic bullet & I've made a bunch of huge mistakes trying to "fix" her. And what little I've learned is it can't be done. So I am just working on myself as that is all I have control over right now.


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## needprogress (Nov 9, 2012)

And I'm all for that, but the question that continues to rattle around in my head is, should I move on then? I think I know deep down that she will not change, but keep debating with myself as to whether I can continue in this relationship. Again, not trying to be selfish, but life is short and I want to be happy. A happy marriage is a source of happiness and isn't my only one, but it seems to me to be a really important one.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

That is what is great about MMSL; it prepares you either way.


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