# Question about kids



## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

When my daughter will ask me if daddy could stop loving her like he stopped loving me, what can I say? I never thought he wouldn't love me, I will tell her that he will always love her, but that's not honest. 
Is a wife just temporary family, maybe for their whole lives or until one decides they don't want the spouse in the family any more, but parents and children separately are always family?
I know I will always love her, but I will always love my husband unconditionally, too, he is my family.
Confused...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The answer is that he will always love her. The relationship between parent and child is not where near the same as that between married people.

Love in marriage is conditional. 

Love between parent/child is not conditional (except in a few cases of very selfish people.)

Does he spend time with her now that you are separated?

How long have you been separated/divorced?


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

My ex h hates my daughter. He finally stopped seeing her at the age of 14. He used her as a babysitter and a maid with his visitation time. He bought zero gifts for her birthday or Christmas, yet his other three always got nice gifts including new iPods, game systems, ect. My daughter got nothing. He ruined her emotionally and is proud of it. He will not allow her to see or talk to her siblings. He's a real jackapple. He disgusts me in every way! I only asked 200 a month in child support. He told mg daughter that I was stealing all his money, which she believed for a while.

I'm so grateful he's no longer in her life. My daughter had a wonderful life with us and my husband has shown her what a real man is and how a woman should be treated.

I'm sorry my story is not a big help, but the unimaginable can happen. We did take my daughter to therapy to help her deal with this. It hasn't been an easy road.

My ex h is bipolar, abusive and unfaithful to women.

One thing I did not do was ever discuss anything about my ex around her or to her ever.


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## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The answer is that he will always love her. The relationship between parent and child is not where near the same as that between married people.
> 
> Love in marriage is conditional.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nicole01 said:


> My ex h hates my daughter. He finally stopped seeing her at the age of 14. He used her as a babysitter and a maid with his visitation time. He bought zero gifts for her birthday or Christmas, yet his other three always got nice gifts including new iPods, game systems, ect. My daughter got nothing. He ruined her emotionally and is proud of it. He will not allow her to see or talk to her siblings. He's a real jackapple. He disgusts me in every way! I only asked 200 a month in child support. He told mg daughter that I was stealing all his money, which she believed for a while.
> 
> I'm so grateful he's no longer in her life. My daughter had a wonderful life with us and my husband has shown her what a real man is and how a woman should be treated.
> 
> ...


Your situation is, thank goodness, not usual. How anyone can treat a child the way he does is hard to believe.


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## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

Thanks Elegirl. H has been talking about separation for a year. He just signed a lease starting. Aug 1 but has nit moved out yet. He wants to "nest" where the kids stay in the house and he and I rotate in and out of the TH. I'm not keen on that though. 2 daughters, 6 & 8. They don't know yet but I'm trying to prepare myself for the hard questions.
But I guess that's it - even though I thought a spouses love is unconditional it really is not. Boy that sucks to have that dream shattered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AUGUSTBABY said:


> When my daughter will ask me if daddy could stop loving her like he stopped loving me, what can I say? I never thought he wouldn't love me, I will tell her that he will always love her, but that's not honest.
> Is a wife just temporary family, maybe for their whole lives or until one decides they don't want the spouse in the family any more, but parents and children separately are always family?
> I know I will always love her, but I will always love my husband unconditionally, too, he is my family.
> Confused...


Tell her the truth. That a relationship between a parent and a child is very different than a relationship between two adults. Please explain to her that you were once children too and that you didn't know each other until you were adults (or whenever) and that perhaps the both of you misjudged whether you were compatible or not. And that unlike marriage, the bond between a parent and a child can only be broken if the parent succumbs to something that makes them unfit, like drug addiction. That even if a parent is very ill or incarcerated, there are mechanisms in our society that protect and nurture the bonds between parents and children, that they are generally considered a forever bond, and that despite your own relationship coming to an end, she can and should continue to love her dad.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

AUGUSTBABY said:


> Thanks Elegirl. H has been talking about separation for a year. He just signed a lease starting. Aug 1 but has nit moved out yet. He wants to "nest" where the kids stay in the house and he and I rotate in and out of the TH. I'm not keen on that though. 2 daughters, 6 & 8. They don't know yet but I'm trying to prepare myself for the hard questions.
> But I guess that's it - even though I thought a spouses love is unconditional it really is not. Boy that sucks to have that dream shattered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Off topic but -
I love the idea of nesting -- at least for elementary school aged kids. But, I do realize that this is an expensive solution!

The fact that your ex wants to nest suggests to me that he really does see this divorce as "leaving you" not "leaving the kids." As the LBS this is a HUGE blow to the ego (I'm in the same situation and when my H tells me this I want to smack him), but it does suggest that your ex has the best interests of the kids in mind because he wants to minimize the disruption in their lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nesting is very hard on the adults. But the other solution is very hard on the children.

It think that nesting is a good idea for a short time so that parents get to understand what they are putting their children through by breaking up their home. It's a good learning experience both to get the child's point of view and also to build a level of co-parenting cooperation with their father.


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