# Wife's new single man friend



## Fredbob (Nov 29, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 11. We have two boys and the 1st was at a very young age. We have a pretty good marriage but what has been going on has been making me uncomfortable.

So a couple months ago she started her clinicals and in the short time has become friends with several in her class. 

I only take issue with the man of course. I became unsure one night when my wife and I ment one of here friends for drinks. I was just watching football but couldn't help but notice when she was talking to her friend about her new classmates a mans name kept reoccurring in her stories. I didn't make much of it.

A couple weeks go bye and I was on our computer to talk to a friend on Facebook who's name happens to be the same as my wife's new friend. Well without even thinking I began to write him a message when I realized my wifes Facebook was logged in and I was about to message him. That's when I seen a lot of chatting back and forth.

I could not help but read them. There was a lot about there classes but there was plenty of other stuff too. It was just a little to flirty for my liking. Nothing sexual was said but a lot of awe your sweet or we should work out sometime or study.

I confronted her and once the anger of me snooping subsided she assured me I have nothing to worry about. She said it wasn't flirting it's just how girls talk to people. I asked why is she chatting his ear off while I'm sitting in the living room with her. She says because I don't talk. I can't deny being a quite person and she is the opposite, but it's pretty hurtful to find out she is chatting with another man while I am in the same room doing nothing. I tell her I don't like it and she says she is more like a mom to her classmates. She is 31 and her class is mostly in there early 20s. She says this man is immature and she is not attracted to him. Based on age I'm sure he is immature but based on Facebook pics he is probably physically attractive to her. She continues to assure me I'm wrong.

A week goes by and two nights in a row out of the blue my wife wants me to get a bottle of wine for her to drink while she studied. Seemed odd to me but she had books out with her wine. When she was done we had great sex both nights. The third night more wine but no studying. We both had a few glasses while we watched tv but I noticed she kept taking selfies, but they were not posted to anything. She was clearly texting and was oblivious to me watching her. We had sex again but I could not sleep. My suspicion got the best of me.

I looked on her phone after she fell asleep and found many more text on Facebook with this man. While he is at a bar drinking she had me get the wine almost as if they are drinking together on social media. At the end of the day she had sex with me but what or who was on her mind. She sent him several selfies with her wine glass. No nudity she took them in front of me I just didn't know who for. As I scroll threw the messages I then find that she asked to be snapchat friends.

I keep this to myself for a few days then it explodes into a huge fight. I tried to get her to confess sending pics privately, again they were not sexual. She wouldn't until I asked to see her messages then the truth came out. She felt betrayed and so did i. It became clear in the fight I snooped and she was going to lie. She says a group of her classmates got on snapchat together and again I had nothing to worry about. She deleted her snapchat app in her fit of anger but not her account. So that didn't mean much to me.

We talked it out and I felt better about it but not great. She says I need to trust her. That this guy is just a boy and not a man. She will be in class with him for the next several months and wont just stop talking to him. She dont want it to be awkward. I understand school stuff but the other stuff i will never be ok with. We never established if sending pics was OK sexual or not. We left it at that.

Another week goes by I logged on our computer and she left her account logged in Facebook I can't help it again. I noticed all conversations are gone. Instead they have been archived. I look and more pictures exchanged and for the first time at least on Facebook he is now sending them too. After I stressed how I was not OK with it she took a step to leave her account open and tried to delete the whole conversation. One of the selfies exchanged was when we were put to dinner just the two of us. She did it right in front of me without me knowing it was going to him. The last text was the exchange of phone numbers. I haven't confronted her on this. She feels strongly this is just a friendship but now she is hiding it.

I know she dont trust me because I was not trusting her and snooping but I'm not OK with it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I don't know if she exchange phone numbers to hide something or prevent me from snooping. Nothing was sexual this friendship is getting way to personal for my liking. Is this mentry being insecure or should I put my foot down?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You need to be firm. She must cease all communication with this guy. 

You HAVE to be strong now...ANY weakness on your part -and you are through. 

Sit her down -have her write out the no contact letter -watch her send it. Then monitor everything. If she communicates again in ANY way.even just responding to him)..have divorce papers drawn up (do not threaten this in advance). Tell her it's over. Have her pack her things. 

Odds are -once she see's how serious you are (no yelling, no more fighting about it...just be firm). She will wake the hell up. If you get to the divorce paper stage...then you know where her feelings really lie. 

Make no mistake...she is actively going after this guy and if she hasn't slept with him yet -it is a matter of time. Think of it logically...she's knows you don't like -yet she does it anyway. That's enough of an answer right there. The other guy is currently more important than you. 

Once you have this stopped....you need to figure out how the hell it actually got to this point


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Second opinion, start asking about the other bimbos in her class, and if she is ok w u friending that particular hot one named &&&&! Tell her you'd like to go hang out with those classmates again and if she can't go can u still hang w the &&&& chick!! Go all in on hitting and flirting w all her friends!!!! Make sure she sees you pinging chicks on facebook. Put photos up w your shirt off! Go all in on making her uncomfortable w your actions.Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You have every right to snoop if she's acting shady. This is VERY disrespectful. Don't fall for the she's way older than line because it sounds like she wants to go cougar. Don't apologize for digging. She's lied to many times and the deleting means she knows it's wrong. 

This is serious. You're fighting for your family. She's in an EA and it can go PA very fast. The wine is to help her fantasize that it's school boy that's banging her.

Maybe show up unannounced at school with the kids. Left schoolboy know what's at stake and let your presence be known. She'll get mad but woman respect strength and boldness. Meekness and apologetic snooping will just get her more disgusted at your weakness.

I'm telling you, the window is short. Your wife is probably the one doing the pursuing. A young twenty something is not going to pass up some pvssy being served up on a plate.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

From a woman's prospective she probably likes this younger guy flirting with her, she is hiding the relationship from you, lying to you, and throwing it back on you saying you are snooping. She has giving you every reason to snoop and feel the way you do, I don't care how long they will be in class together it needs to end now.

She is playing you for stupid and seeing how much she can get away with. Put your foot down now and if she does not respect how you feel then it is probably time to rethink the whole marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have been here long enough to tell you that you have every right to be concerned. We read about the exact same thing you are going through all the time and it never ends well unless you catch it in time and have the courage to not share your wife.

You don't have to be controlling...she can do what she wants....but it's up to you in having the confidence to no longer sharing your wife by asking her to leave. The only thing you can control is what you will tolerate and if she can respect you then the two of you can part ways....it sucks but in the end you will be avoiding a train wreck that is your future.

If she wants to label you as controlling or insecure that is fine, but at the end of the day she has a choice to either respect the *protection* you have to oferr in this marriage or not and she can go be single, cuz sharing her is not an option

Sorry man it's a tough deal, you can be willing to walk away now or wait and walk away when she asks you to leave and is no longer in love with you and you find your self crying and competing against her new love.

At least if you walk away now you have a better chance of her chasing you.....if you wait...there will be no reason for her to chase you cuz you will have already been replaced!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Letting her go now just might save your marriage.

It is clear she does not respect you and the way you want to protect the marriage by labeling you as controlling.

Ask her to leave.

You need to plant a GPS in her car that way when she does leave you will know were this guy lives.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Have you considered outing her behavior to friends and family.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is a very bad situation.

The fact that you have children makes it much worse, as that limits your ability to tell her to take a hike if it comes to that.

You absolutely cannot trust her, because she is a proven liar.

However, you must also pretend that everything is fine so that she will relax and slip up on her way to cheating, because that is where it is headed if you don't stop it in time.

See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for how to find out exactly what is going on.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, woman here. Listen and learn well. I am a university professor of more than 25 years. Your wife is having an emotional affair. I have seen older women with male students under 25, having an affair under the husband's nose. 

For young male students, older married women like yours are for free sex and free materials that the husband is paying for. Also, they don't have to worry about your wife getting pregnant. To them, that is the husband's problem. Tell your wife that she is having an emotional affair as a cougar. Stop this now.

As an undergraduate and graduate student, I've not drank wine to study. The two do not mix. What kind of a student is your wife? Look at her grades to see if she is really studying or trolling the campus for young bucks! I hate recreational older students!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Roselyn said:


> OP, woman here. Listen and learn well. I am a university professor of more than 25 years. Your wife is having an emotional affair. I have seen older women with male students under 25, having an affair under the husband's nose.
> 
> For young male students, older married women like yours are for free sex and free materials that the husband is paying for. Also, they don't have to worry about your wife gettting pregnant. To them, that is the husband's problem. Tell your wife that she is having an emotional affair as a cougar. I'm sure that this Stop this now.
> 
> As an undergraduate and graduate student, I've not drank wine to study. The two do not mix. What kind of a student is your wife? Look at her grades to see if she is really studying or trolling the campus for young bucks! I hate recreational older students!


Through the years of being a part of this community there are so many threads with this type of thing. It's amazing.

I hope OP comes back and *we* can give him a solid game plan to get through this.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> OP, woman here. Listen and learn well. I am a university professor of more than 25 years. Your wife is having an emotional affair. I have seen older women with male students under 25, having an affair under the husband's nose.
> 
> For young male students, older married women like yours are for free sex and free materials that the husband is paying for. Also, they don't have to worry about your wife gettting pregnant. To them, that is the husband's problem. Tell your wife that she is having an emotional affair as a cougar. Stop this now.
> 
> As an undergraduate and graduate student, I've not drank wine to study. The two do not mix. What kind of a student is your wife? Look at her grades to see if she is really studying or trolling the campus for young bucks! I hate recreational older students!


Holy sh!t am I naive I never considered this phenomenon

OP stop this yesterday

55


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is not a testament to my "hotness" or desirability, but I'm 43 years old and I can think of exactly one single man I've been friends with in my adult life who never expressed an interest in me or made me feel like he would be "open" to something, and that one person is a completely asexual man by his own description.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Op...

I would suggest you ask this thread to be moved over to the coping with infidelity forum as you will get a bit more responses from more people geared to that issue.

As Roselyn said.. This is an Emotional Affair.. 

You need to treat this as marriage cancer and stomp it out immediately... 

*Conan what is best..

1) Crush you enemies
2) See them driven before you
3)Hear the lamentation of the women *

This is the same attitude you have to have with this right now..

Your wife being is faking outrage about you snooping to throw you off the scent.. Don't be fooled by it.. EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T REALIZE IT HERSELF.. 

You fvcking fix this right the fvck now !... You do not wait any more days to lay down rules for this..


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This is not a testament to my "hotness" or desirability, but I'm 43 years old and I can think of exactly one single man I've been friends with in my adult life who never expressed an interest in me or made me feel like he would be "open" to something, and that one person is a completely asexual man by his own description.


Yes, that sounds about right. Most women are attractive enough for most men to desire.

The converse is not true, of course.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

technovelist said:


> This is a very bad situation.
> 
> The fact that you have children makes it much worse, as that limits your ability to tell her to take a hike if it comes to that.
> 
> .


Kids or no kids, you need the confidence to show her you will not control her and you will not sit by and tolerate her behavior either.

It will always be her choice in excepting the protection you have to offer or be single parent.

I think you show her her new reality if this continues by asking her to leave and tell her to take the kids for the week end and you will have them on the week day.

Ask for her to giving any joint credit cards back cuz you will be seperating all the accounts.

Currentlt this is not about whether you think she is cheating or not, it's about what she wants and if she wants to be single and chat with male friends and go out , then she can have that.

Just like you can find a women that is in to you and chat with you and send you selfies.

BTW..sorry you are married to a women that has to get buzzed to have sex with you. Might be time to grant your wife her freedom so you can go find another wife and step mother for your boys.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

This isn't even a borderline affair. 

This is an affair. If it wasn't she wouldn't have hidden it from you initially and certainly wouldn't have reacted by turning up the heat, so to say 


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fredbob said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 11. We have two boys and the 1st was at a very young age. We have a pretty good marriage but what has been going on has been making me uncomfortable.
> 
> So a couple months ago she started her clinicals and in the short time has become friends with several in her class.
> 
> ...


Ah, the "trust me". Famous last words. You and her need to read Not Just Friends. No good will come out of this "trust me"


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First may I clarify something for you by inquiring what you considered when you took your marriage vows? Did you expect life to remain, for the most part, like it had been while single? Did you agree to SHARE your life with another individual and she hers with you? Please explain how one spouse can "snoop" on the other. Marriage is a partnership of the highest magnitude and even more than that, it is a blending of two lives into one. If you were in business with someone who was behaving suspiciously would you consider it "snooping" to check financial records of your business? Would it not be your right to know what the partner is doing?

If the partner did not want you knowing what they were doing then they should never have entered into the partnership. Additionally, why would your partner need to conduct business secretively? What would be the partners end game in trying to conduct covert dealings. Do you think that would be something they should be doing within the parameters of the partnership? You and your wife are individuals sharing one life, the most intimate of all partnerships. Do you not have a right to protect and preserve that life? Therefore, "snooping" is not possible in a marriage mainly because neither partner should have any "secrets" that could be "snooped".

So, that being established, you now have gleaned information that is very troubling. If your wife cared for you in the way a wife should then your angst over her interactions with this young man would be enough to make her cease it immediately. Her concern for this near stranger would be far and away superseded by her love and commitment to you. It is not, why? You can ask yourself this question but you cannot know absolutely so the obvious next step is to ask her. What is so important about her interaction with this OM that it overrides her vows, her love for you and jeopardizes your future together by causing significant unease in your marriage?

It would appear she has an unhealthy infatuation with this OM and it could easily escalate into something more if left unchecked. Due diligence on your part is highly suggested and most definitely warranted. Good fortune to you as you pursue this with her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Recover and download her deleted phone texts. 

You send pics because you are interested. Period

Affairs can start from a close friendship.

For a quick check look at your phone bill. It'll list all calls and texts to his number and when he's called, texted her

Prepare to be shocked


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There are no secrets and privacy in a real marriage.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Privacy can absolutely exist in a trusting relationship IMHO. When trust leaves and secrecy takes over, then privacy is a variable which can get modified based on the situation. 


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If my old lady wants privacy then she can shut the door when she takes a shyt....other then that she gets no privacy....especially after the crap I went through with her cheating.

And that's the thing, how can one "invade" a spouses privacy......what's there to hide right?

So in addition how can a spouse be offended when their other spouse goes through there shyt and why care if your spouse reads an email, looks at text or watches you take a shyt......unless you got something tho hide.

I bet your old lady keeps her self pretty shaved down there...especially these day!

Your old lady has more red flags waving then China.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your W may very well not want to sleep with this guy, but she sure as hell LOVES the attention that she is getting from this young stud-muffin. And no offense, but right now, she is subconciously comparing you to him, and in her eyes, you look downright BORING. And she will be damned if she's going to give up this "Hey, I've still got it" high. Before you know it, young stud-muffin may very well start requesting her to go from fun selfies, to attractive selfies, to sexy ones, then eventually, it may lead to au naturale.

You are not wrong to snoop, and she must stop this at all costs. If this were my W, I'd tell her that she has a choice: drop this guy NOW, or she can move out and have all the fun she wants while I plan a divorce. I'd much rather look like a CAN (Controlling, Abusive Neanderthal) to her for awhile than have my kids in a broken home because of her selfish, shortsighted decisions.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You keep confronting her and driving this underground.

Even if she does not cheat with this guy, your marriage is in danger. Read about female psychology. What attracts women to men?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Your W may very well not want to sleep with this guy, but she sure as hell LOVES the attention that she is getting from this young stud-muffin. And no offense, but right now, she is subconciously comparing you to him, and in her eyes, you look downright BORING. And she will be damned if she's going to give up this "Hey, I've still got it" high. Before you know it, young stud-muffin may very well start requesting her to go from fun selfies, to attractive selfies, to sexy ones, then eventually, it may lead to au naturale.
> 
> You are not wrong to snoop, and she must stop this at all costs. If this were my W, I'd tell her that she has a choice: drop this guy NOW, or she can move out and have all the fun she wants while I plan a divorce. I'd much rather look like a CAN (Controlling, Abusive Neanderthal) to her for awhile than have my kids in a broken home because of her selfish, shortsighted decisions.


Always remember this....you are not controlling...she always has a choice!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Some lines from your original posts kept leaping out at me. This is what it really means:

1. "anger of me snooping" means that she knows that she is wrong and that she has things on her phone/facebook/snapchat that she does NOT want you to see.

2. "because I don't talk" means that she now sees you as boring and unattractive, as opposed to him.

3. "this man is immature" means she finds him fun and exciting... again, as opposed to you.

4. "she says I need to trust her" means that she wants you to get the hell off of her case so that she may explore extramarital options.

5. "the exchange of phone numbers" means that she now knows that she will get caught by the other methods, and now she is going to take it underground...a pay-as-you-go/burner phone, perhaps?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess we are all going to have to wait until Fred gets into the office tomorrow for a reply.

Heaven forbid his old lady catches him talking about the arriage to complete strangers. [see the irony]


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Make her look you in the eye and say: "Yes, I understand that the only reason he spends time with me is because he wants to F%@K me, but I'm OK with that."

See how that goes over.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This is not a testament to my "hotness" or desirability, but I'm 43 years old and I can think of exactly one single man I've been friends with in my adult life who never expressed an interest in me or made me feel like he would be "open" to something, and that one person is a completely asexual man by his own description.


Evidence if any that men and women cannot be "just friends"


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Since this is starting to go under ground-- as in deleted messages and so forth-- isnt the next step becoming physical? 

Also, wonder if OM checked cell records for texts and calls to/from his number....


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude you are getting solid advice.

Follow it and save your marriage.

There is a fine line between strength and weakness when confronting these situations. Women smell weakness and it fuels the fire and lessens your attraction.

The bottom line is this: what are you REALLY going to do about it? More threats and complaints? Weakness. You've confronted a few times so realize those count. Consider those "putting her in notice". The next confrontation - IMO - is the final one.

Why? The main reason is very simple. It has nothing to do with snooping, being controlling, being angry, being unrealistic ("we have to see each other"). 

Here it is: and its HUGE. Frankly a deal breaker for strong men with boundaries and a sense of self worth. It's this: she has and continues to disrespect you.

I realize you have been in panic mode working hard to be sure you did not unnecessarily accuse her; respecting her enough to let time pass; looking diligently; watching. I get that. She's your wife; you love her; you would never do what you suspect she is doing. It's natural and heakthy to be in disbelief and loop through this a few times.

Now though - you have your proof. You've done enough in my opinion. She is shady enough that it is just plain wrong. And she is disrespectful. For me - I'm done. 

If you pause and reflect on this, I hope you are done too.

IF you ARE there - IF this angers you and you won't accept it - THEN you are ready. If you are weaker, admit it now if it's true because your next actions COUNT on it.

If you're there, then you know the answer. And the answer is literally painfully simple. You will not stick around and be disrespected, while your wife flirts with someone else with you in the sand house. You will not provide a roof and be a baby sitter for that. You will get a lawyer and discuss divorce. REMEMBER - once filed there is time to stop it if she changes her tune. And I guarantee she will SNAP out of it like a shamed child when she sees the steely resolve in your eyes when you - without drama - drop the D papers.

IF you can't do this, time for the 180 and weightlifters standard thread.

IF you can - read an active thread Lonelyhusband### (some number) - he suspected, showed up unannounced to WW work event, saw it in her eyes, confronted that night and got a confession, and was gone - literally out if the state - IN UNDER 3 WEEKS! 30 years together I think. But he got it and ended it. Unfortunately he had let 5 years slip by where she drifted then started an affair. So you can stop before the EA goes PA and you may still want her.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW I am no chiseled muscled up alpha testosterone filled hulk. I'm an overweight, older dad who uses hus brainpower to make a living. BUT I have strong boundaries, will take on any predators, treat my family well and have no delusions about what I am and am not. And I'm a da*n good catch and do is my wife. I won't stand for this type of sh*t and neither will she.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1) The other man is fishing. A predator player or a wannabe predator player.
2) Your wife is getting major ego baiting him.

An even bigger problem is if he has ANY game, its a matter of time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

F-102 said:


> 3. "this man is immature" means she finds him fun and exciting... again, as opposed to you.


This in particular is what stuck out to me. She is not going to come out and say "He is fun, full of energy" etc... so of course try to word it in a way that sounds negative. Plus, I doubt his maturity level matters much if she is just looking to have some "fun" with him, not like she is looking for husband material... Also, drinking wine "together" over social media doesn't exactly sound immature, maybe if he was doing keg stands ...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If the D is too much at this point, an alternative is to clarify your position. That doesn't involve snooping or proof or confrontation. Simply a calm, reasoned, clear delineation of boundaries: 

"You can and should make your own decisions about who you want to see, talk with, and be with. But I want to be clear where my boundaries are so there is no misunderstanding and no regrets later. I want to be with someone who loves me, respects me, and wants to be with me. Someone who keeps no secrets and cultivates no friendships with men other than me without me in the picture. Someone who respects and protects her marriage and chooses friendships - of men in couples and women in couples and who are single - that support her marriage. Someone who chooses me and her marriage over friendships when things change and the friendship threatens the marriage. Someone who comes to me with problems and issues and works with me to solve them. Someone who will seek counseling with me before confiding private marital issues with others - particularly those of the opposite sex. I expect to provide the same marital safety, live, commitment, joy and emotional connection to my chosen partner."

"Your behavior with OM crosses many of my lines. I won't keep you here if you don't want to be here. You have a choice to make and I have a choice to make."

If she freaks out, says you're controlling or bullying, etc recognize these are the actions of a little girl being scolded and called in on the carpet. Remain calm. Do not engage. Say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or "I don't agree." But most importantly "these are my expectations for marriage and I thought they were yours when we got married". But don't argue any points - they aren't important. "I love you and I want to be married to you but I won't stay around and be plan b to any man". You may have to just walk away "when you're calmer I really hope you think about what you've decided and let me know"

If she throws out your failings - like not talking and connecting - tell her "I'm happy to work on my own issues with you and with a marriage counselor if necessary. But you have to make your own decisions about this marriage and frankly that has to come first." If she presses that your issues come first "frankly why would I want to work on better communications with another man's woman. I don't know where you stand right now." And then disengage.

Ultimately you know your relationship dynamics and what voice will work for you. Thus us my voice and it may or may not be right. But the TAM chorus is pretty uniform in its assessment - time to boo this in the bud.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> This in particular is what stuck out to me. She is not going to come out and say "He is fun, full of energy" etc... so of course try to word it in a way that sounds negative. Plus, I doubt his maturity level matters much if she is just looking to have some "fun" with him, not like she is looking for husband material... Also, drinking wine "together" over social media doesn't exactly sound immature, maybe if he was doing keg stands ...


The simple response to any of these lame excuses is to say:

"So if he was mature (handsome, or whatever other adjective she has used), then I would have something to worry about?"

Then shut up and watch her tap dance.

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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you get along with her family I would let them know asap.

I would also get a few voice activated recorders for the house and her car so you know what you are fighting.
If nothing changes after the exposure it may be time to file to wake her up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Fred were are you!

Please don't come back next year to tell us you haven't seen your wife since finals.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

the guy said:


> Fred were are you!
> 
> Please don't come back next year to tell us you haven't seen your wife since finals.


OP, I hope you did not crawl under a rock (as in The Flintstones). You should update as we took the time to analyze your situation. So, where are you?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Many new posters are scared off when they're shown the seriousness of their situation and prefer to put things off, hoping that he was just overreacting.
If only they would read the threads. 

Being on this board, you quickly learn what works and what doesn't. It's amazing how little cheaters deviate from the script. Seeing pretty much the same symptoms, excuses, and actions it becomes so predictable. Yet we become vested in their stories. Even when it triggers some of us, we want them to do better. It's like watching a scary movie. We're yelling, "no don't go into the basement." We want them to live.


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## lovecat (Jul 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This is not a testament to my "hotness" or desirability, but I'm 43 years old and I can think of exactly one single man I've been friends with in my adult life who never expressed an interest in me or made me feel like he would be "open" to something, and that one person is a completely asexual man by his own description.


This!

I tried to tell my H this but he calls me old fashioned and says men and women can be friends. I agree as the only male friends who wouldn't hit it if had the chance are gay.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Dude you are getting solid advice.
> 
> Follow it and save your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Truer words ere ne'er be spoke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovecat (Jul 31, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> If the D is too much at this point, an alternative is to clarify your position. That doesn't involve snooping or proof or confrontation. Simply a calm, reasoned, clear delineation of boundaries:
> 
> "You can and should make your own decisions about who you want to see, talk with, and be with. But I want to be clear where my boundaries are so there is no misunderstanding and no regrets later. I want to be with someone who loves me, respects me, and wants to be with me. Someone who keeps no secrets and cultivates no friendships with men other than me without me in the picture. Someone who respects and protects her marriage and chooses friendships - of men in couples and women in couples and who are single - that support her marriage. Someone who chooses me and her marriage over friendships when things change and the friendship threatens the marriage. Someone who comes to me with problems and issues and works with me to solve them. Someone who will seek counseling with me before confiding private marital issues with others - particularly those of the opposite sex. I expect to provide the same marital safety, live, commitment, joy and emotional connection to my chosen partner."
> 
> ...


If I could like this 100 times I would. I wish the bleep I would have said exactly that to the cheating H when I first discovered the bs instead of letting him twist it around making me to look like a controlling whacko.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I was hoping to see Fred return by now.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This seems to be an all too common situation. They had their 1st child when they were young, so they had to do some serious growing up in a hurry. One spouse, some years on, is exposed to the younger, carefree lifestyle. They begin to lament the fact that they had to forsake the "party-time" life, but now that they have younger friends, they see an opportunity to make up for that lost fun. Many a one night stand, and even full-blown affairs, start this way.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

F-102 said:


> This seems to be an all too common situation. They had their 1st child when they were young, so they had to do some serious growing up in a hurry. One spouse, some years on, is exposed to the younger, carefree lifestyle. They begin to lament the fact that they had to forsake the "party-time" life, but now that they have younger friends, they see an opportunity to make up for that lost fun. Many a one night stand, and even full-blown affairs, start this way.


Coupled with taking your WS for granted and assuming you will get a "pass" if caught - "it didn't mean anything".

I believe OP's W has thus in her mind.

Only when the BS has hard boundaries, the sh*t hits the fan and all can be lost - and the WS end up with their head spinning -what happened? Why are you throwing all this away? Well the WS threw it away and didn't even appreciate it.

I met W at age 19 so never sowed my wild oats. Sure I missed a lot - we were both virgins - but I gained several years in a great relationship while my friends were struggling in the single world. Depends on your character, upbringing, boundaries, role models and luck in finding someone who can stick by those values.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why is this not in the CWI forum?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Why is this not in the CWI forum?


Because OP was hoping that wasn't the case and hasn't come back since we pointed out this is where he is headed


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Anyone else here get the feeling that we're never gonna see the OP again?


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