# absolutely gobsmacked!



## justkate (May 31, 2011)

i apologize in advance for any confusion in this post, i'm still trying to process what i learned this evening about my stbxh. 

i was speaking with a former co-worker who told me some things that i never knew and this is stuff going back to when we were first married.

this is the confusing part, he worked for company A, left there to work for company B which got bought by company A a year or so later. then worked for the newly formed company (A&B) for almost 11 years and then got let go. paperwork said corporate restructuring. he was let go almost a year after the first affairs.

one of the guys from company A later became his boss at the new company and he always had a huge hate-on for this guy. i never really understood and never got specific details. just that he hated so and so. 

well it turns out that while working for company A there were issues with his attitude towards co-workers and customers, so they arranged for anger management courses for him. he did part of it but never finished the complete program - i didn't know he never finished it because i didn't know the full details, that wasn't shared with me. 

moving to company B there were issues with inappropriate computer use and he was suspended with no pay for three days on a couple occassions. again i had no clue, and i have no idea where he ended up going on the days he was allegedly at work. keep in mind this was before we had cell phones, so he could have been calling me from pay phones or whatever when he was supposedly at work. while at this place i rarely called him as he said he couldn't be talking on the phone too often. 

when the two companies merged he now had the former co-worker as his immediate supervisor, which made him not like working there or so he told me. well there were more issues with dealing with co-workers and customers and again they went the anger management route, which i again didn't know about. 

during this time one of the other employees had a company laptop which he was having issues with. this guy didn't take his laptop home, no point as at this time not too many had internet at home yet. plus it was for work stuff only. anyhow the issues were internet history that was adult type sites, fetish stuff and other crap and also he was getting a lot of emails and messages from these sites and people from the sites. the laptop was sent to the company IT dept and they were able to look at the history and timings and determined it was my stbxh who had been using the laptop either early in the morning or when he'd go in to work in the evenings - to finish paperwork or so he told me. so again he gets suspended without pay and again i have no clue because he never told me. 

the final straw for this company was his continued use of company computers for inappropriate web use and of course at this point his boss knew he had cheated on me and likely used the work computer as a means of contact. so that was why he was let go, not corporate restructuring. they just did that for the paperwork so he could get another job and not have that he was fired on his work history. 

i now feel that who i thought he was never existed and realize that the and lies and likely the cheating go back to the beginning. so just after this d-day when he commented that he just wanted to stop lying to me, i guess he meant he'd been lying to me all along. 

i had thought that his "issues" were related to when his father died 12 years ago and not dealing with his grief. now i see that i married a man that is seriously messed up and has always been that way. it has nothing to do with me, i am not the cause of his problems nor was it anything that i have done/didn't do to be the reason of why he says he is no longer in love with me and has hooked up with a child. 

i believed we had a very good marriage and that he was my best friend, unfortunately for me he was living in his own little world and that world did not include me in the way that a marriage should have. we were never partners in the true sense, i was his "respectability" his cover to appear normal. i thought i knew him but i didn't know him at all.

it does make me feel better (if that isn't a bit warped) to know that the choices i've made in the past few weeks are the right, wisest and quite possibly safest choices for myself and my boys. 

learning this information was my closure, it helped me see so clearly what my heart was still fighting my mind over and i do hope that he gets help or he will end up dead - not suicide but likely a heart attack or stroke. blunt but i feel it is the truth. 

time to try and sleep as i'm taking the boys to their therapist tomorrow (today) and they need me. plain and simple.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this justkate, and had to find out about it just now. 
I too am just finding out that I was married to a lie. He himself is a lie which makes his part of the marriage and relationship complete BS (and his entire life). I haven't come to accept it or believe in it yet like you. He is/was such a good liar that I have no idea what was real and what wasn't. 

I am glad you are finding/found your closure, and that you are making the right choices for YOU. I haven't come to this point yet, but am encouraged as others do it and have done it. 
You see clearly now what went down and you are able to focus on yourself and your children. That is a very good thing! I hope the days get easier for you justkate.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

While it sucks learning all this stuff, it's good for you to hear who he really was. In way, it does give you a sense of closure--not necessarily one you wish you had but the clarity to see him for who he really was.

Next time, be on alert. 

I also found out things afer I split from hubby that I would have never imagined. Some of those things from his own mouth. It's sad/interesting.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My STBXH too.
Using computers at work probably also the work location for trysts and contact. And the work cell phone. Plus selling off scrap metal from the work as well as using the company truck whenever he felt like it and shirking on hours saying his boss knew about it. Hmph.
Then I went to rent an apartment in a town where his company used to have a site. The guy I am renting from is a Police Officer and also in National Guard and knows my STBXH. I think my H has been seen around town with his woman or women, and has a reputation there. My new landlord seemed like there was something he wanted to tell me but decided not to. It might have been before we had started dating, but still...reputation is reputation. Well, it is my town, now. And the town I am leaving is my town too. And his Guard unit also knows what he did to me. Plus the VA hospital where people know him since he used to be 1st Sgt of a unit. He is not a 1st Sgt now, he had been moved against his desire to a headquarters command where he is doing what amounts to low-level busy work under close supervision. Plus driving around officers to meetings, where he gets to sit and wait and read a book while they have a meeting. He applied for a different 1st Sgt position but of course did not get that. Nothing like digging your own grave. I can't understand why people live like that when it is just as easy to live a life that holds up to transparency.


----------

