# Overreacting to messages with an ex?



## aifo79

Hi folks. I have been a long time lurker. This site helped me get through my divorce years ago which was the classic wife cheated, i found out, we got divorced case. All is good there, I am happier and more importantly my kids are happier too. 

I have attempted to have a few relationships over the past 6 years. 2 were serious. The first one ended when I caught her talking to flirting with some guys from the gym. I moved on and and met a new woman.

For the first time, I felt like I was finally in a good relationship. We never fought, had a ton in common like running, swimming, biking, paddle boarding, mountain biking, etc... After 2 years of dating, I ask her to move in with me since I own a new house I bought just before I met her and she just rents. She was planning on moving in next weekend. 

We went up north to a family vacation house that I get invited to every year. We were having a great time for 2 days. On the third day, I noticed something odd. I saw her take a few pictures of some random things and send them in text messages right away. A little while later, she popped open her phone and I saw that her ex boyfriends name was at the top of the list. I have seen his name there before, and I knew she kept in touch with him some times to chat about running. I am typically not the jealous type and things seem well so I ignore it. But something felt weird this time. 

For the next 24 hours, I have that gut feeling. I have had it before so I know what it means. Something is not right. I decide to creep her phone while she was out for a run. I find that she is texting her ex constantly. Not just here and there like I thought, but more than me. They are both sending selfies back and forth, she even sang some kind of birthday song in a video and sent it to him. All of the same photos she has sent me in the past year, were also sent to him. It was kind of creepy. Like everything in our relationship happen to the three of us and not just me. 

I think this is to much for to handle and I am considering breaking up with her over it. I mean, a message here and there is one thing, but I feel it is disrespectful to be chatting it up with an ex all day long every day. She has been broken up with him long before she met me. 

I personally don't keep in touch with ex girlfriends. I have to be in contact with my boys mother, but I have no choice in that matter as we need to discuss the boys. 

Would you break up for this reason? Curious to hear why or why not. 

Thanks again! I know this probably sounds like high school stuff. But dating is difficult, and I just want to enjoy life with the right person.


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## SentHereForAReason

aifo79 said:


> Hi folks. I have been a long time lurker. This site helped me get through my divorce years ago which was the classic wife cheated, i found out, we got divorced case. All is good there, I am happier and more importantly my kids are happier too.
> 
> I have attempted to have a few relationships over the past 6 years. 2 were serious. The first one ended when I caught her talking to flirting with some guys from the gym. I moved on and and met a new woman.
> 
> For the first time, I felt like I was finally in a good relationship. We never fought, had a ton in common like running, swimming, biking, paddle boarding, mountain biking, etc... After 2 years of dating, I ask her to move in with me since I own a new house I bought just before I met her and she just rents. She was planning on moving in next weekend.
> 
> We went up north to a family vacation house that I get invited to every year. We were having a great time for 2 days. On the third day, I noticed something odd. I saw her take a few pictures of some random things and send them in text messages right away. A little while later, she popped open her phone and I saw that her ex boyfriends name was at the top of the list. I have seen his name there before, and I knew she kept in touch with him some times to chat about running. I am typically not the jealous type and things seem well so I ignore it. But something felt weird this time.
> 
> For the next 24 hours, I have that gut feeling. I have had it before so I know what it means. Something is not right. I decide to creep her phone while she was out for a run. I find that she is texting her ex constantly. Not just here and there like I thought, but more than me. They are both sending selfies back and forth, she even sang some kind of birthday song in a video and sent it to him. All of the same photos she has sent me in the past year, were also sent to him. It was kind of creepy. Like everything in our relationship happen to the three of us and not just me.
> 
> I think this is to much for to handle and I am considering breaking up with her over it. I mean, a message here and there is one thing, but I feel it is disrespectful to be chatting it up with an ex all day long every day. She has been broken up with him long before she met me.
> 
> I personally don't keep in touch with ex girlfriends. I have to be in contact with my boys mother, but I have no choice in that matter as we need to discuss the boys.
> 
> Would you break up for this reason? Curious to hear why or why not.
> 
> Thanks again! I know this probably sounds like high school stuff. But dating is difficult, and I just want to enjoy life with the right person.


Not sure how many replies you will get here vs. the Coping With Infidelity board but you know this isn't right. All of what you stated is more than enough proof and a reason to end things. She will either get mad and minimize when you confront or she will outright say things aren't working herself and just move on but either way .... you need to think this through on how you want to approach it. I'm not a vet on her but have read enough and have seen enough now. 

1. This is more than enough to break up over
2. You are not over-reacting

If she wants to continue in a relationship with you, she will need to stop the communication. It makes you feel uncomfortable and it's outright inappropriate. Feel free to bring it up to her and tell her how you feel and you can do that without feeling needy or like a jerk but she needs to know how you feel. Before you approach, thoroughly think this through and hopefully some Vets respond here.


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## Twistedheart

Why would you even question this? You know the answer. Drop her and be done. I mean unless this what you expect from a significant other and consider it ok. I believe there is a word for that..........


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## minimalME

First of all, you're entitled to have whatever standards you wish. Its your relationship, and it's your life. If it makes you uncomfortable, then that's that.

I wouldn't be okay with this type of interaction either. It's an integrity issue. She's been with you for two years, yet she's on her phone flirting with a different man - on a vacation with you, no less. 

You can sit her down and have a talk with her, if you like. But, as I said, she's living out her values (or lack of them), and she obviously doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. I bet she'll tell you he's 'just a friend' if you bring it up.

But this is her. This is who she is. 

Is that okay with you? Do you want to live with someone who's like this? Cause even if you press her to stop and she yields, it's not gonna be the last time.


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## Chaparral

Why did they break up in the first place? Do you know him?

Was there anything in the messages that seemed like they were more than just friends? Did you see who initiated the texting? Is he married?


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## Livvie

I'm divorced. I would absolutely, positively end a relationship if my partner were doing this. I'd not even have a discussion. I'd state what I learned, and there would be no need to participate in a discussion about invasion of privacy because: I'd immediately and completely end the relationship. Over. No negotiations, no discussion, no promises of future no contact. The reason would be gross incompatibility.


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## Cromer

Livvie said:


> I'm divorced. I would absolutely, positively end a relationship if my partner were doing this. I'd not even have a discussion. I'd state what I learned, and there would be no need to participate in a discussion about invasion of privacy because: I'd immediately and completely end the relationship. Over. No negotiations, no discussion, no promises of future no contact. The reason would be gross incompatibility.


I absolutely, positively, and forever endorse this comment. You are set up to get hurt big-time, my friend. She is NOT over her ex. Ex's are dangerous, toxic, and "insert more bad descriptors here", etc. for a relationship. It's a ticking bomb if it hasn't gone off already.


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## Yeswecan

There is a reason an EX is called an EX. For me, there should be zero communication with EX's. Find a way to get your GF to talk about texting. What is appropriate and with whom. Interject in the conversation that texting old boyfriends is something you will not tolerate. See what her reaction is.


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## Yeswecan

Livvie said:


> I'm divorced. I would absolutely, positively end a relationship if my partner were doing this. I'd not even have a discussion. I'd state what I learned, and there would be no need to participate in a discussion about invasion of privacy because: I'd immediately and completely end the relationship. Over. No negotiations, no discussion, no promises of future no contact. The reason would be gross incompatibility.


The nuclear option. Sometimes and most often....the best option!


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## GusPolinski

Even if nothing is going on between her and the ex (and I don’t see how any reasonable person could think that’s the case), she’s WAY too attached to him.

Trust your gut and dump her.


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## TAMAT

While you are at it gather all the screenshots and other data you have, and send it to the Ex's current W or GF or SO.

It will be a good story to tell your next GF to demonstrate that you will act if you are cheated on.

Oh yes and dump her after securing your evidence and exposing. 

Tamat


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## aifo79

Thank you al for replying. Sometimes it is difficult to judge your own feelings. I know that it is not something I am okay with. I feel almost conned, like she was living a double life. 

I was expecting a few 2x4s for snooping the phone, but I feel safe that a number of you have had to do the same thing to verify that you aren't crazy. The right thing to do is move on and forget her. Maybe some day I will find that relationship that doesn't involve cheating or ex boyfriends. 

I like to think that I am not a half bad looking guy, I know I am fit as I train for a half Ironman while splitting 50/50 with 2 boys and studying for my OSCP exam (nerd alert).

I really thought that I had real love and it was just a sham. I was part of that 80s song Bizarre Love Triangle.

I am not going to attempt to find the ex-boyfriends girlfriend and rat him out. I did do that with my ex-wife, but this time I just don't have the energy. 

Thanks again and would still love to hear more opinions from other folks.


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## OnTheFly

Trust your gut feeling on this one.


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## FalCod

I would start a conversation with her by asking "How often do you stay in touch with your ex? Do you text him a lot?" If she lies, it's over. If she says that she does, have a discussion on why and let her know how it makes you feel. See where it goes from there.


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## Malaise

Whatever time and energy she spends on him is that much less she spends on you.


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## Cooper

I see a future of the ex coming for cook outs, maybe some co vacations, heck when you have kids they will probably call him Uncle (or maybe dad, you will never be sure unless you have a DNA test!)

She is still too emotionally attached to her ex, you don't want to be the third wheel in your own life.


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## Mr.Married

If your doing Half Ironman then you need to Swim,Bike,Run as far away from this one as you can. No Goo required, and this should be your fastest transition time ever.

Good Luck .....from a fellow Ironman (full)


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## Bananapeel

In general, be very careful about letting a woman move in with you. If things don't work out it's a lot harder to end things and get rid of her. For future relationships, unless you two are planning on getting married and already engaged then don't even think about it. It looks like you dodged a bullet by finding out before she moved in.


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## Malaise

Shell say:

We're just friends

Don't control me

You're not my boss ( father, etc)


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## Bananapeel

Malaise said:


> Shell say:
> 
> We're just friends
> 
> Don't control me
> 
> You're not my boss ( father, etc)


That's when he says:

I don't care. Now get out.


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## VermiciousKnid

> Would you break up for this reason?



I would, yes.


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## SunCMars

Me? I would be mysterious. I would say that this relationship we are having is not working. We need to call it quits.

DO NOT GIVE HER A REASON!

Be pleasant about it. Be nonchalant. 

Let her wonder. She seems to be a pro at wondering, wandering, wishing.

Oh, first chance you get...get a handheld mirror.

Go to a full length mirror and check your back. Check to see if there is a sign that says, "Kick Me", 
And below it, it says, "Feel free to cheat on me!"

You seem to have a proclivity for choosing free spirited women. Too free. They swim on the surface. Find deep divers. They may have less flash, but are more trustworthy. 

Side note: Stay away from the Mutable signs. Go for the Fixed.


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## sa58

Can you say kick rocks!

Tell her good______bye.

Fill in the blank if needed.

Turn and run away fast!!!!

If she is doing this now what will she do in the future.

Unless you are deeply in love with her move on.

There are plenty of good women in search of a good man out there.

Good luck in your search .


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## Diana7

Have you asked her to stop communicating with him? Is he married or in a relationship?


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## aifo79

I refuse to ask her to stop communicating with anyone. I am not controlling and we all know that it would just lead to resentment or taking it underground. The fact that she thinks that this behavior is okay in a relationship is probably why she is single, never married, and no kids at her age. At least I can blame my ex for not being able to keep her skirt on 

This is an ex who lives a 12 hour drive away. They broke up like 10 years ago.... srs. He cheated on her (supposedly, but who knows). He has a girlfriend (again, who really knows!). 

Let's face it, she just has terrible boundaries in a relationship and we all know where that leads. If she thinks is cool to talk and send selfies to an ex like that, why not her running coach, or new coworker, or whatever. My ex-wife had terrible boundaries and it lead her to an empty baseball field with her boss during their lunch hours.

I just have to give her the stuff she had here at my place and I am done. I did love her, but I had no idea what was going on behind my back. I do have a universal kick me and cheat on me sign on my back I guess. 

I would love to find a meaningful relationship at some point in my life. Maybe I should get a dog instead. I don't want to be jaded, but I guess I just suck at picking or something. 


Curious to all the repliers.. How many of you have been quick to dump on finding something like this out? The whole point of asking is because sometimes it is hard to take your own advice knowing what you need to do. I would love to hear that you dumped without a doubt and never looked back.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me!!!


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## Wolf1974

aifo79 said:


> Thank you al for replying. Sometimes it is difficult to judge your own feelings. I know that it is not something I am okay with. I feel almost conned, like she was living a double life.
> 
> I was expecting a few *2x4s for snooping the phone, *but I feel safe that a number of you have had to do the same thing to verify that you aren't crazy. The right thing to do is move on and forget her. Maybe some day I will find that relationship that doesn't involve cheating or ex boyfriends.
> 
> I like to think that I am not a half bad looking guy, I know I am fit as I train for a half Ironman while splitting 50/50 with 2 boys and studying for my OSCP exam (nerd alert).
> 
> I really thought that I had real love and it was just a sham. I was part of that 80s song Bizarre Love Triangle.
> 
> I am not going to attempt to find the ex-boyfriends girlfriend and rat him out. I did do that with my ex-wife, but this time I just don't have the energy.
> 
> Thanks again and would still love to hear more opinions from other folks.


yeah cheaters use that tactic to try and distract from the fact they are caught.

You had a feeling and investigated. It paid off.

Dump this woman before you get cheated on again if you aren’t being cheated on now.


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## Cromer

I know it's hard because you obviously care about her, or you wouldn't have asked her to move in with you. But it is clear she is not putting you front and center when it comes to relationships in her life.

If you try to tell her to go NC, you will either get resistance or she will do it under coercion. Either way is a losing situation for you.

When the word spread that I was on the market, I was getting (still am) hits from all directions. FB, at church, at the place where I volunteer, etc. Now I am seeing someone, I don't give any of that background noise any mind even though I am still under a year from the divorce. I want my ladyfriend to know that she is at the center of my undivided attention. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But while I am with her, I won't be inviting a third person to share our experiences. It's thoughtless and rude.

I do believe that you should explain to her why you are moving on, she needs to know. It might be painful for you, but it is the right thing to do. Don't argue or otherwise blow it up, just state matter-of-factly why and end it cleanly.


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## Wolf1974

aifo79 said:


> I refuse to ask her to stop communicating with anyone. I am not controlling and we all know that it would just lead to resentment or taking it underground. The fact that she thinks that this behavior is okay in a relationship is probably why she is single, never married, and no kids at her age. At least I can blame my ex for not being able to keep her skirt on
> 
> This is an ex who lives a 12 hour drive away. They broke up like 10 years ago.... srs. He cheated on her (supposedly, but who knows). He has a girlfriend (again, who really knows!).
> 
> Let's face it, she just has terrible boundaries in a relationship and we all know where that leads. If she thinks is cool to talk and send selfies to an ex like that, why not her running coach, or new coworker, or whatever. My ex-wife had terrible boundaries and it lead her to an empty baseball field with her boss during their lunch hours.
> 
> I just have to give her the stuff she had here at my place and I am done. I did love her, but I had no idea what was going on behind my back. I do have a universal kick me and cheat on me sign on my back I guess.
> 
> I would love to find a meaningful relationship at some point in my life. Maybe I should get a dog instead. I don't want to be jaded, but I guess I just suck at picking or something.
> 
> 
> *Curious to all the repliers.. How many of you have been quick to dump on finding something like this out? The whole point of asking is because sometimes it is hard to take your own advice knowing what you need to do. I would love to hear that you dumped without a doubt and never looked back.*
> 
> Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me!!!


I haven’t dumped for this reason specifically but I have dumped for extremely poor boundrys. In my case it was a GF of mine, dated 6 months, was very controlling of my friends and my time. In the beginning I tried to be empathetic and explain that she was overreacting to things like my friend and how much time I could give her. Over time that just didn’t work and these became daily and I do mean daily fights. Finally I realized that I dreaded calling her or being with her because one of these two issues would come up. Problem was I couldn’t give her more time I didn’t have and I was unwilling to ditch a friend just because she didn’t like her.

So finally had the talk that essentially went like this:
You and I don’t agree on these issues
We are never going to agree on these issues
I can’t be in a relationship with constant drama
So the best we can hope to do is never talk about this again and she would have to accept me for who I am or we need to break up. 

I was at the end of my rope, exhausted always arguing and never having any fun with her.

She lasted an hour....I ****ing kid you not 60 minutes. And started in again about my friend. I drove her home,dropped her off, and said in case the words actually need to be said we are done and that was the last I spoke to her.

So yes you can cut things off when they aren’t right for you. The earlier the better and I stayed tolerating this for about 4 months longer than I should have. This was my rebound relationship.


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## snerg

Cromer said:


> I do believe that you should explain to her why you are moving on, she needs to know. It might be painful for you, but it is the right thing to do. Don't argue or otherwise blow it up, just state matter-of-factly why and end it cleanly.


Incompatibility.

No more.

No less.


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## Cromer

snerg said:


> Incompatibility.
> 
> No more.
> 
> No less.


I say more of a critique from his POV. She can accept or reject of course, but if someone doesn't at least try and explain why she botched this relationship then she is destined to botch the next. Sure, it's not his circus so not his monkeys, but at least he would have had his say and she might benefit from it at some point. At least there would be no ambiguity or "unresolved questions" in her mind. I don't know, maybe just saying "incompatibility" is the right thing, but it just doesn't ring "closure" like an explanation could.

Of course, look at what I did to try and fix someone and it didn't go so well, so what do I know? But for sure he needs to GTFO ASAP.


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## happy as a clam

After you end this relationship (and you should), spend some time working on yourself to figure out why you keep finding yourself in relationships with women who cheat. I don’t mean to be harsh, but there’s something about YOU that you need to examine — it’s a pattern, you keep repeating the same scenario over and over. You’re picking the same woman again and again — same woman, different body.

Stay single until you figure out why. 

(Hint: it often has something to do with FOO issues. Start there.)


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## aifo79

happy as a clam said:


> After you end this relationship (and you should), spend some time working on yourself to figure out why you keep finding yourself in relationships with women who cheat. I don’t mean to be harsh, but there’s something about YOU that you need to examine — it’s a pattern, you keep repeating the same scenario over and over. You’re picking the same woman again and again — same woman, different body.
> 
> Stay single until you figure out why.
> 
> (Hint: it often has something to do with FOO issues. Start there.)


I would love to know what that is. Can you help me identify why? Since you are going to blame me for other women's actions, I would like to know what exactly I was doing to make this happen. 

I am serious too.


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## happy as a clam

aifo79 said:


> I would love to know what that is. Can you help me identify why? *Since you are going to blame me for other women's actions,* I would like to know what exactly I was doing to make this happen.
> 
> I am serious too.


I’m not AT ALL blaming you for other women’s actions. But your very defensive reply to me (really, an accusation), and the fact that you seem to feel attacked by my heartfelt advice is probably a good first clue as to why this is happening to you. 

Definitely seems like FOO issue.


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## minimalME

aifo79 said:


> I would love to know what that is. Can you help me identify why? Since you are going to blame me for other women's actions, I would like to know what exactly I was doing to make this happen.
> 
> I am serious too.


As happy stated, who we attract has a lot to do with our family history. She's simply suggesting that you take some time away from relationships to discover how your family dynamics influence your current choices.

I come from a very dysfunctional family that was highly sexualized. I attract men who want to get laid. I don't know that I've ever been in a healthy relationship. 

I'm constantly working on me so that even if I'm on my own and never in another permanent relationship, I'm the best person I can be. I'm committed to change in order to grow. I'm willing to see things about myself that are unpleasant - my weaknesses. I want to be better.

A lot of what needs to be sorted out is subconscious, a lot of it is self-talk (messages I tell myself, or messages that are deeply ingrained that were told to me when I was young), some of it is behavior, insecurity, wanting to loved the way I wasn't loved in my family. That's the short version - it goes on and on. 

It'll be unique for you.


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## happy as a clam

minimalME said:


> As happy stated, who we attract has a lot to do with our family history. She's simply suggesting that you take some time away from relationships to discover how your family dynamics influence your current choices.
> 
> I come from a very dysfunctional family that was highly sexualized. I attract men who want to get laid. I don't know that I've ever been in a healthy relationship.
> 
> I'm constantly working on me so that even if I'm on my own and never in another permanent relationship, I'm the best person I can be. I'm committed to change in order to grow. I'm willing to see things about myself that are unpleasant - my weaknesses. I want to be better.
> 
> A lot of what needs to be sorted out is subconscious, a lot of it is self-talk (messages I tell myself, or messages that are deeply ingrained that were told to me when I was young), some of it is behavior, insecurity, wanting to loved the way I wasn't loved in my family. That's the short version - it goes on and on.
> 
> It'll be unique for you.


Bravo! Excellent explanation...


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## minimalME

happy as a clam said:


> Bravo! Excellent explanation...


Thank you. 

I realized as I reread what I wrote that, although in the dating world, I attract men who're after sex, my marriage was sexless. How ironic is that?


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## Rick Blaine

Your girlfriend failed the marriage audition. Better now than later. I would drop her.

Perhaps you might consider selecting a different kind of woman and changing your criteria. Break the bad string. Sorry you are here again.


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## WorkingOnMe

Is she way hotter than you? This happens often when “6” guys routinely go for “8” women. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel

aifo79 said:


> I would love to know what that is. Can you help me identify why? Since you are going to blame me for other women's actions, I would like to know what exactly I was doing to make this happen.
> 
> I am serious too.


I'll add my $0.02 in on this. If you want to attract the best women that feel lucky to have you and are thus less likely to cheat, then you have to be the best version of yourself that you can be so you attract the best quality women. The reason for this is that if you are a quality man you will have lots of dating options and the women you date will recognize that (women are naturally competitive and try to attract good quality men) and try their best to keep you. This will also promote your self confidence and ability to lead the relationship, which will decrease the odds of women looking elsewhere because you'll present yourself as a catch.



WorkingOnMe said:


> Is she way hotter than you? This happens often when “6” guys routinely go for “8” women.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Unless the guys are rich, powerful, or famous!


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## x598

normally i would go with the sentiment around here to drop her like a hot potato.

the only thing i would want clarification on, and this is because you pointed out she has never been married, has there been any discussion between you on expectations around this issue?

lets face it.......she is single, you aren't married......so some might consider her "free" to chat with whomever she pleases.

someone else here said to ask her about contact with any other men/X's.....and if she lies about it....well that is your answer to get out.

if she is honest, then maybe its time to have an expectations discussion. if she minimizes and/or blame shifts...again.....that shows her true character and getting out now would be smart.

i would just ask her about it...not revealing what you know. Don't expect a flood gate of info to be divulged.....lets face it...nobody would do that......but if she can admit what she has done and look at it from your perspective...then maybe there is hope.


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## aifo79

I can't say that I am a 10, but I like to think that I am good looking especially for my age. I have been an active runner for years and race often, mountain biker, hiker, etc who recently took up swimming and cycling to train for a half ironman. I am an a thin 6' and 170lbs, have some muscle tone (although all the crazy cardio I do makes it difficult), and still have all my hair. I am not one to sit around and watch TV. I have a great job as a specific type of Architect, nice home at the end of a dead end street, I travel all over for work and this year I have been to Vegas, Miami, Montreal, Vancouver, and more. I live for adventure and love spending time in the summer with the doors off my wrangler or on my paddleboard. My kids live with me 50% of the time and are just great and lovable.

I am certainly not a 10 by any means, but I like to think I am a catch? I don't think I am dating out of my league I guess is what I am trying to say. I don't think I have poor self esteem either. She was not a 10 either, but she was beautiful in my eyes. I liked that she far from a high maintenance girl and would rather be hiking than out on the town. 

My question was more focused on whether or not I was overreacting to finding out that someone who has been so great with zero other complaints could have almost a second life behind my back. It's been a few days and it's over. I just have to return a few things of hers that were here at my house. 

The disappointment is huge here. I was fooled into thinking that this was finally the relationship I was looking for. I feel like an idiot. But, I will pick myself up and move on like I have done in the past. Can't say I am interested in dating any time soon, but I also don't want all these good years of my life to pass by. It would be great to find that person to share it with.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reach out and respond. I feel kind of lonely at the moment so it did help seeing other points of view to try and look deeper into myself and relationships. 

Cheers.


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## bkyln309

minimalME said:


> As happy stated, who we attract has a lot to do with our family history. She's simply suggesting that you take some time away from relationships to discover how your family dynamics influence your current choices.
> 
> I come from a very dysfunctional family that was highly sexualized. I attract men who want to get laid. I don't know that I've ever been in a healthy relationship.
> 
> I'm constantly working on me so that even if I'm on my own and never in another permanent relationship, I'm the best person I can be. I'm committed to change in order to grow. I'm willing to see things about myself that are unpleasant - my weaknesses. I want to be better.
> 
> A lot of what needs to be sorted out is subconscious, a lot of it is self-talk (messages I tell myself, or messages that are deeply ingrained that were told to me when I was young), some of it is behavior, insecurity, wanting to loved the way I wasn't loved in my family. That's the short version - it goes on and on.
> 
> It'll be unique for you.


I dont fully buy into this theory. I come from a long line of love filled and long term, happy, monogamous marriages. And yet that has not been my experience at all.


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## minimalME

bkyln309 said:


> I dont fully buy into this theory. I come from a long line of love filled and long term, happy, monogamous marriages. And yet that has not been my experience at all.


That's fine - it doesn't have to be your experience. It's mine.

There's not going to be a one size fits all solution, and I don't think anyone would say otherwise.


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## TAMAT

aifo,

Be glad you found out this girl was cheating on you so quickly and you didn't marry her which would have been a bigger nightmare.

Don't let her back in, when someone is addicted to ex type drama it can be cyclical and life long, not unlike alcoholism.

Oddly since you are now becoming an ex she will remember you with longing and desire.

Tamat


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