# What's the future?



## TJO (Jul 2, 2014)

Married for 27 years. We have 2 kids (boy16 & girl 11). Both of us work. We separated 8 months ago.

Her main complain were:
- moody behavior when tired. Specially when I do a lot of housework during weekends. I normally clean the house and do all housework and she does most of the cooking and washing.
- She loves the kids so much. She feels that I need to I need to be closer to them. Two times, I yelled on my son. 1st time when he came home after 11 pm riding his bike to his classmates house which is a mile from our house. I was concerned that something may happen to him. 2nd time, I got upset when I had to pick him from school for his ortho appt. he was on a swim practice and he did not excuse himself to leave early due to the appt. I got upset because we have an appointment and he knows it. I've got upset since I should not yell on the kids.
- always have some negative to talk about
- not a very good listener
- nagged her to quit smoking since I quit. We both smoked and I quit. My mistake. Has her own choice and I cannot push her to do it just because I stopped.
- some times wife and son feels anxious to see what your mood is going to be because you have this tendency to ignore people and make the guests feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome.
- tend to be right during friendly discussion.
- not so appreciative sometimes when she gives me present

I also feel that I neglected our marriage due to work, kids, activities, I travel often times for work, etc, etc, etc.

One day She told me we are having problem. Did not listen and actually got it got quiet. I did not want to create arguments. But that was wrong. She got more distant to me.this lasted for maybe 6 months. Then I started pulling and noticed she kept pulling away. That's when tension started because I was trying to pursue harder. Begging and pressuring. I did not shout or abused her but the tension escalated that she could not take the stress and tension. She ask for separation. Finally I agreed.

1st two months were hard but I tried not to pressure her. But ther were times that I get frustrated and I tried to pursue again.

I wanted to fix our marriage and so I started to understand all the thing that she complained and all things that I do wrong. I am tripping to correct them. Counseling and talking to marriage experts. I understand now that my primary goal is to nurture our marriage and try to practice empathy.

Within the e last 3 or 4 months, I see that she started to become warm to me. We spend weekends with kids and sometimes mother in law for lunch. Sometimes I would stay around at her place (our house) for a few hours, I am sitting with her and she would let me massage her bac, legs and feet. She also lets me kiss her on the cheek when I see her and say goodbye. Our kids and her mom sees this. Father's Day, she and kids gave me present. Recently, had her b-day and I ask her what she want for her b-day.,she told me and I got it for her. I even gave her a surprise dinner a with kids and her mom at our house. She was happy. She even shares her food when she cooks on weekends. Take home.

But when i start to talk about our marriage, I get this answer.

"But I am trying my best to give it a chance which is the reason why I hang out with you.
But for some reason, I get so uncomfortable when you start talking about our relationship.
I don't know why.
And when you ask me to go out, I feel so much pressure.
Right now, I am enjoying a stress-free, pressure-free environment.
That's why I get so rattled when my environment changes.
I don't know why I just get so tired when discussions about us occur.
I feel like my body is shutting down.
I hope you understand that maybe, I'm just not ready for these conversations. when I ask her about our marriage, I got this answer"

I love my wife and kids but I know I not perfect. I will continue to work on myself. I also know that I wanted to provide well for them so she is not stressed with bills and kids. I kept this promise to myself.

My question is "is it possible she maybe considering our marriage"?
I assume that a wife who does not care or does not any affection or feelings to you will not be warm, caring and would not allow me to touch or kiss her.

Are this signs of reconciliation? What should I do? I don't think I need to do 180 at this point correct?


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## TJO (Jul 2, 2014)

She knows I love her and she sees the changes in me. I know there is no 3rd party. She telling me that she wants me to be happy around her and she encourages me to also put more effort with kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live in the USA? I'm asking because I don't know what kind of help exists in other countries.

Eight months is a long separation. Keep in mind that they seldom work out in that they usually lead to divorce. 

Does your wife work or are you the sole earner of your family?

If you let this continue as it is, your wife will get so used to the way she's living that she will never do the work needed to get back together. You need to start working towards a resolution here. It's hard to fix a marriage when you live separately.

There are a few things you can do.... 

1.	Go see a marriage counselor yourself and ask them to help you re-negotiate with your wife. You can renegotiate the separation into a structured separation that requires each of you to do certain things that will move towards living together again. A time limit needs to be set by which you will be back living in the same house. 

2.	The house she is living in is probably still your legal residence. You could just move back in and do an in-home separation and work on your marriage. You could always sleep another room for a while. How much of a financial burden is this arrangement you have right now? Are you paying for both her place and yours?

3.	Or you could tell her that you have done a lot of work to fix yourself. Your will continue to work on yourself. So either you move back in or you are done. Then file for divorce.
You could also come up with something that is a hybrid of the above ideas.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

there's a suggestion that the best way to get close again is to just have fun. Don't harp on the bad things in a relationship, just fix them quietly. 

when someone doesn't want to talk about what's going on it's probably because they are either uncertain what they want to do about it or they have already made up their mind but they're not ready to tell you. I don't know what kind of vibe get from her.

then again what she says could be right. She could just be too tired to discuss it. if the other stresses in her life are high at the moment she might want some peace. so that would be a perfect place to work on just getting along and not discussing a relationship. 

it's weird, women want to discuss the relationship when things are going well. They want to discuss deep feelings and they want to hear I love you. But once they reach a point where they have expressed issues many times and nothing has been resolved they start to tire and shut down. and this is clearly what youhave seen.

by being moody and angry and not having a good relationship with your kids she has lost some respect for you. And now since you want to talk about your relationship she sees you as needy as opposed to the leader and the head of the household. it's as though you are going to her to get help from her to solve your problem. I understand the rationale that it's a marriage problems so that its both of your problems but she might not feel that way since she expressed her issues many times in the past. 

now all of the above suggests to a man that the right thing to do is to yes her to death. But that won't work either. Because she'll see right through it and since respect is already at a low it will make things a lot worse.

number one is don't be a jerk. I say this as number one because too many guys will look at number two and in the absence of telling them not to be a jerk they will not think clearly or thoughtfully about how they express what they want and think.

number two is say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't second guess and don't tell her just what she wants to hear. Tell her who you are. but be willing to negotiate. 

surprise her in small ways. 

but don't do it just for the reward. Don't point out to her what you have done for her. don't ask for pats on the head. That makes a guy look like a child. all giving should be done for joy of giving, because it makes you happy, because it tickles you. 

but then there's the caution that if you haven't been someone like that if you do too much of it you're going to start looking like you're buying her off. Because it won't look like it's coming from the real you. 

so maybe that's a good question. Who is the real you? what parts of the real you want to be with your wife and want to make her happy? What part of your personality that are genuine can you utilize to show her that you hear her and want to make your family's life better?

and it may take some time for you to figure that out. changes that take place because you are looking inside yourself are going to be gradual. But they're going to be genuine and sustainable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I've been separated from my wife about a week. She sounds just like yours. Doesn't know what the [email protected]@ she wants. Will not tell me. I'm over my phase where I needed to touch her every second. She's letting me spend the night tonight and leaving with the kids in the morning. But I doubt anything will come of it. Seems to me that separation is just their way of letting you down easy to lessen their guilt because they've made their mind up already. From what you described, it's not you that has caused the problem-- heck there aren't any perfect husbands. You can't use logic, guilt, begging, etc. to get them to come back. Maybe it just can't be done...... If you find a way-- let us know how; I'll do the same. Thinkin I've lost mine.....


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## TJO (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks EleGirl.
Yes, I live in the US and we both work in the US. We both have a good career.

I have been working on myself since we separated. I did see a marriage counselor to make sure I understand what I am doing wrong. And I read books (DB and DR) to understand what it is I am doing wrong. She told me that she see's I changed my attitude.

Yes, the house she lives is our property. But I respected her request since I wanted to give her the space and time to heal. Both of us.

I see that she is considering our marriage and she tells me about it. Her brother also told me that she has not closed her self to possible reconciliation. That is why I am very patient.

And by the way, we kissed a few times time although not long during her birthday. She was pleasant.

Thanks ClipClop2
No, I am not asking for pats in the head. I really want her and the kids to be happy. I really want to change and improve myself and relationship for them.

Evinrude 58
I think you still have a big chance. Just give her space and just be pleasant around her. 

That is the question. I think that if a woman who does not want to do anything with you will not let you get close to her or even show warm and caring thoughts. Any thought?


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

8 months is not a long time for a separation when you've been married for 27 years! There's a lot of history there and not so easy to walk away. 

I'm at 19 years also separated for 8 months. Spending too much time together too soon has delayed everything. You're probably trying too hard and pushing her away, my husband made that mistake when I wanted to end our marriage and I made the same mistake after we separated and now we have to start all over as if we just separated. Even tho we love each other and miss each other, it takes time to start trusting and opening up again after so many years and so many things happening. 

I got more from him when I didn't pursue him. Back to square one for me.


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## TJO (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks Kitten77

Actually, that is actually what she was telling me. Sometimes I would discuss our marriage and start to pursue her. She said that she really wants to get comfortable around me again. I see that she became warm and comfortable. But she does not want to get pushed and pressured. She said what was done was done. We both understand the problem. But there is no point in hanging to the problem. Accept them, correct them and lets move on. But allow her to find and get that feeling of comfort and love again.

You are female and from a female point of view "if a woman who does not want to do anything with you, I think she will not let you get close to her, touch her, massage her back, feet and legs, even kiss her on the cheek or even show warm and caring thoughts. She lets me caress her in front of the kids and her mother. 

I think a female will not be comfortable with this acts actions specially in front of kids and her mother isn't it?

I know and understand my issues and I continued working on them. But we are human and even a person with the best personality will make mistake. My wife actually told her brother that she have seen the changes. What woke me up? I read and I met a nun at one of the monestery in Pasadena Ca. She used to be married and she eventually got separated and divorced. Did not ask the reason. In turn, she became a nun and now helps people. She explained to me that for a woman with 2 kids to decide separation, that means she was in a lot of pain for a long time. But the most important message she taught me is to practice empathy. 
- Try to feel or understand her feelings and you will always do the right thing or correct it if you practice it. 
- Always ask yourself "is what I am about to do or say going to make her happy and cared for or sad and remorseful, if the latter then don't say it or do it".
Wow, very promising, powerful and eye opening.

And yes, I agree I am trying too hard.
Does your husband back off when your trying too hard?

And there is also a question of infidelity.
I don't even consider it since I don't see it from her actions.
She is a homy person. She does not drink. Barely socialize with friends. If in a party, she normally wants to leave around 11PM. It does not matter if the party is at her sisters house. Works 7 to 4 and always at home at around 4:30 to workout. We both like to exercise daily.
She is with the kids most of the week except friday night. But even with this, sometimes we hangout before I leave her.

About 3 months ago, we hang out during weekends with kids. Normally fri night and sat afternoon till 8 to 9 PM.


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