# False Recovery



## LostCPA

I posted a couple of times on here about 6 months ago soon after d-day. I read a few threads and thought I had learned enough to handle things on my own. My ww was begging for reconciliation and doing everything she could to make amends, so I decided to jump in and do my best to recover our marriage. I am proof that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I thought everything was moving along really well until it all unraveled a few weeks ago.

While she did and said all the right things to keep me committed and working on the marriage, she was busy taking the affair deeper underground and continuing it right under my nose. I found a prepaid cellphone hidden behind some boxes in our basement on Labor Day that she was using to talk and text him. I didn’t tell her that I found it and decided instead to do some digging before confronting her. I installed a keylogger on her laptop and found a secret email account that included dozens of dirty emails and pictures between the two of them.

But that’s not the worst part. My Dr. prescribed Ambien for me soon after d-day 1 because I was having a hard time getting any sleep. She used that fact that when I took the Ambien I would sleep soundly through the night to meet up with OM. His wife travels regularly on business and when she was out of town and I was knocked out in bed, she would meet him in our basement to continue their PA. I found this out by reading the deleted emails on the secret account.

I am posting this as a warning to any BS who will listen. Do not believe a word your WS says. If they are speaking, they are lying at least in the beginning. If I had been more diligent to keep digging and checking up on her I wouldn’t have wasted 6 months on a false recovery. Please verify, verify, and verify again anything your WS tells you.

I thank those of you who tried to help me before and apologize for posting and running and not following up. If I had kept posting, I might have actually learned something and not found myself in this hole I’m in now.


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## Almostrecovered

well while none of this is your fault, I do have to ask if the reconciliation was done correctly-

did you have her send a no contact letter?
did you have her be completely transparent?- did she give you all of her passwords, allow you to access her phone, etc? And did you verify by using keyloggers and such?
did she ever show true remorse? Was she willling to admit 100% of the blame of the affair or did she blameshift and gaslight it?


my guess had you treid to follow the rules outlined above she still wouldn't have complied, but at least you would have found out quicker


I am sorry to hear it came to this and I wish you the best


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## LostCPA

Obviously, she wasn't as transparent as I thought. She did give me all of her passwords, but only to the accounts I knew about. There was no NC letter and I didn't install a keylogger until I found her prepaid cellphone which I knew nothing about.

We did put our house on the market and try to move away from OM who was our neighbor, but it is a slow market.

I failed miserably at reconciliation because I heard what I wanted to hear and I wanted to believe that she was as remorseful as she sounded.

Therefore, my warning to verify, verify, and verify and believe nothing that comes from your WS mouth.


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## aug

Installed a hidden cam and a voice activated recorder in the basement.

Fake taking ambien.

Catch them in the act.


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## aug

Also, what happens if you find a burglar in your basement? Call the police? That would be interesting...


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## aug

Save those evidence. Hide them in a safe place.

Use the evidence to show the OM's wife.


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## Shaggy

You need to catch them in the act. She won't be able to deny it as she is being kicked to the curb. Make sure you record it to give to the OMW

You tried playing nice and fair, and you've seen where that got you. Now its time to play hardball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Maybe it's time for you to consider if you really want to live with a woman who has continued betraying you. If you do then you might as well resign yourself to a one sided open marriage, with her having a lover(s) on the side. But if you don't then start planning your divorce so that you won't be caught off guard if she decides to pre-empt you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I am Pit's Complete Lack of Surprise. lol.




aug said:


> Installed a hidden cam and a voice activated recorder in the basement.
> Fake taking ambien.
> Catch them in the act.





aug said:


> Also, what happens if you find a burglar in your basement?





aug said:


> Use the evidence to show the OM's wife.





Shaggy said:


> You need to catch them in the act. She won't be able to deny it as she is being kicked to the curb. Make sure you record it to give to the OMW


Any further effort to catch anything would be beating a dead horse?.

Think this post is just a warning, shes already been caught again. I think the OMW already knew as well.

CPA, you didn't mention... what did you do, or what are you going to do about this?

Thank you for posting this. What happened to you is very common. It's uncommon for people to admit they were blinded by denial and made a horrible mistake by not listening to the wisdom that is offered freely here...

you know what is such a terrible shame...

The same way you didn't listen, most of the betrayed spouses here will also brush over this and think "that wont happen to me" " my situation or my spouse is different"... 

NO. They are NOT. 

Denial is blinding and pain avoidance is an incredibly powerful mental motivator. A betrayed spouse needs to understand that they are not just victims of the cruel and selfish actions of thier disloyal spouse, in most cases they are instantly vulnerable to becoming victims of there own minds. 

Your mind will try to protect itself from devistating emotional pain and the SMOG that it throws up in an effort to protect itself will prevent you from being able to see the truth until it's far too late.


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## LostCPA

I bought a VAR after I found the prepaid cellphone and installed it in her car. I have a number of conversations with OM already saved and locked in my desk drawer at work along with printouts of all the photo’s and emails from her secret account. My lawyer is currently drawing up divorce papers and I could file as early as this week if I decide to. 

I have also bought a video camera small enough to hide on the bookshelf in that room. I plan to set it up tonight while she’s at the Y. I know from a conversation I got off of the VAR last week that OMW will be out of town from tomorrow until Friday. The camera says it will record up to 8 hours of video, so I plan to turn it on before I go to bed and see what I get. I thought about not taking my meds and catching them in the act, but my lawyer warned me not to do anything stupid. He said we are in a great position right now and not to do anything to jeopardize that by losing my cool and doing something that would get me arrested.

My biggest regret at this point is that I didn’t put this much time and work into recovery by doing the things AlmostRecovered suggested above. I should have forced a formal NC letter instead of just taking her word for it. I should have dug deeper in the beginning and took measures like the VAR and the keylogger soon after d-day 1. If I had it to do over, I would have even insisted on a polygraph to make sure I got the whole truth. 

My goal now is to get enough evidence to force her hand and get her to agree to an amicable divorce to spare my kids from any more grief. They are still angry at her and the last thing they need is to be pitted between us in a divorce battle. I would love to punish her by alienating her kids from her, but I know that’s not what’s best for the kids. At least one of us has to put their needs first.


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## aug

Thanks for the additional info.

Looks like you're set.


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## Shaggy

Since you are divorcing her, then don't bother confronting. Instead stay quiet, and give a copy of the video to the OMW. Then sit back and let your wife wonder what is coming her way. Because you know the omw will take him down, and he will contact your wife with a WTF? 

If you can pull it off, act shocked and tell her you have no idea about any video.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express

Make sure you let your wife's lovers wife know---she is entitled to know what scum she is married to!!!!!


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## LostCPA

I don’t know if the OMW suspects anything or not. I haven’t said anything to her since I found the phone on Labor Day. I wanted to get as much evidence as possible without alerting her that I was onto her and I was afraid OMW would tell OM and OM would tell my WW. I do plan to give her copies of all the evidence I have obtained once I confront my WW.

I am trying to be real careful with my actions right now. I erred the first time by not doing enough to insure that the affair was truly over. I don’t want to err this time by rushing too far in the other direction by doing something stupid. I probably have enough evidence already, but I’m just concerned that most courts are still biased against the man in divorce proceedings. I would also like to have enough evidence to convince her to agree to what I consider a generous settlement and not contest the divorce.

I am afraid that we all think that our situation is unique or that our WS is unique, but they really are not. I think we sometimes just don’t want to believe the horrible truth we are facing. It’s easier to just deny and choose the path of least resistance instead of putting our heads down and doing the hard work.


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## aug

I agree with Shaggy. Only confront if you are not going to divorce. Otherwise, what's the point?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

LostCPA said:


> I am afraid that we all think that our situation is unique or that our WS is unique, but they really are not. I think we sometimes just don’t want to believe the horrible truth we are facing. It’s easier to just deny and choose the path of least resistance instead of putting our heads down and doing the hard work.


That inspired a new signature.


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## morituri

Better to use a "shock and awe" type of attack which your stbxw won't see it coming.


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## bryanp

Your wife is a real piece of work. Screwing the OM in your basement while you are upstairs sleeping. Only a total sick person would do such a thing. She clearly was getting off knowing what she was doing in your home while you were sleeping. I do hope the Karma bus gets her. Get tested for STD's


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## that_girl

bryanp said:


> Your wife is a real piece of work. Screwing the OM in your basement while you are upstairs sleeping. Only a total sick person would do such a thing. She clearly was getting off knowing what she was doing in your home while you were sleeping. I do hope the Karma bus gets her. Get tested for STD's


:iagree: It takes some major mental problems to bring the affair home....ESPECIALLY when the spouse is there too!


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## tm84

I'm sorry that you've had to go through such a sh!t storm of a mess, but it sounds like you've done all of the right things, so far. Best of luck!


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## Shaggy

Take the high road, because what she is doing is truly heinous. It shows how deeply messed up she has become.

My evil side would put a big screen tv on the porch and show the downstairs camera to the neighborhood. But that's just the evil me talking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

I am so sorry. I know exactly where you are..

This is where I would have been without inside information. My stbxw gave a very convincing show of remorse last time she tried R. Fortunately I did have the evidence of the continuing PA.

The betrayals will continue. My guess is that she will try and R again since your presence in their relationship is one of the exciting things about it . The basement sex while you were asleep indicates to me that they are getting off on your pain. 

For you own sanity. Please. Please kick her ass out.


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## jnj express

Why would you wanna give your wife a generous settlement----she thinks that you basically are nothing, why would you be nice to someone who thinks so little of you

She deserves the bare minimum, to get by on---why should she live in style, while forcing you to go out and start a whole new life

You will have trust, and sub-conscious problems for a long time to come---she is the cause of all of this---give her only what the court will allow, and delete her from your life


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## morituri

jnj express said:


> Why would you wanna give your wife a generous settlement----she thinks that you basically are nothing, why would you be nice to someone who thinks so little of you
> 
> *She deserves the bare minimum, to get by on*---why should she live in style, while forcing you to go out and start a whole new life
> 
> You will have trust, and sub-conscious problems for a long time to come---she is the cause of all of this---give her only what the court will allow, and delete her from your life


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

If she had not had the affair but instead chosen to file for divorce, then it could be argued that she deserved a generous settlement for her years of service as your wife. But the fact that she continued disrespecting you, her family and herself in such a brazen manner shows that she is unworthy of your generosity.


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## LostCPA

I don’t know if it was the thrill of doing it in the home or whether that was their only opportunity. Since d-day 1, I have been keeping pretty good tabs on her. I call her office at random times during the day to make sure she’s there. She’s almost always either with me or the kids(teenagers) when she’s not at work. The middle of the night was probably the only time they had available. I also snore pretty badly, so it wasn’t uncommon for her to move to the guest room so she could get some sleep.

As for being generous with the divorce settlement, I really don’t want to drag this out and what I’m offering is only slightly better than what the courts would probably award. The only thing the adultery really does is drastically reduce the waiting period. My kids are all teenagers and the oldest is already away at college. The court normally allows children of this age to decide which parent they want to live with except in cases of abuse and they have all been adamant that they would want to live with me. 

In exchange for not contesting the divorce and not fighting for custody, I am promising to not seek child support. I would also allow her to see the kids whenever she or they wanted. We would either sell the house and split the proceeds or she could buy my half and stay there. I don’t really want it. The courts would likely split things 50/50 anyway.


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## ing

LostCPA said:


> I don’t know if it was the thrill of doing it in the home or whether that was their only opportunity. Since d-day 1, I have been keeping pretty good tabs on her.
> 
> I call her office at random times during the day to make sure she’s there. She’s almost always either with me or the kids(teenagers) when she’s not at work.
> 
> 
> 
> Car sex, park sex, is common. Don't be so sure.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The middle of the night was probably the only time they had available. I also snore pretty badly, so it wasn’t uncommon for her to move to the guest room so she could get some sleep.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Your wife _was in your basement_ banging this other man.
> 
> She left your bed. Went downstairs, let him in, had hot sex with him. Then got back in bed with you..
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt but you need to see this for what it is.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> As for being generous with the divorce settlement, I really don’t want to drag this out and what I’m offering is only slightly better than what the courts would probably award. The only thing the adultery really does is drastically reduce the waiting period. My kids are all teenagers and the oldest is already away at college. The court normally allows children of this age to decide which parent they want to live with except in cases of abuse and they have all been adamant that they would want to live with me.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> In the end, money is only money. If you lose access to the kids money will mean nothing. I agree with you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In exchange for not contesting the divorce and not fighting for custody, I am promising to not seek child support. I would also allow her to see the kids whenever she or they wanted. We would either sell the house and split the proceeds or she could buy my half and stay there. I don’t really want it. The courts would likely split things 50/50 anyway.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Yep. Agree here too.

I find it amazing how people can live with you. love you, then do this.


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## lordmayhem

bryanp said:


> Your wife is a real piece of work. Screwing the OM in your basement while you are upstairs sleeping. Only a total sick person would do such a thing. She clearly was getting off knowing what she was doing in your home while you were sleeping. I do hope the Karma bus gets her. Get tested for STD's


:iagree:

That is just sick. 

That's like almost the ultimate in disrespect, by both of them.


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## the guy

Lost, are you sure you snore? Has this been confirmed, I mean she could have used this excuse for years to be with more then your nieghbor...why back when.
Its my experience that this kind of behavior your WW is doing has a history. It starts out small in the beganning and as the years pass it snow balls into basemant sex while your up in your bed.

Just like any addiction, it is a progression, being daring and more daring, more amount of the drug ia needed to get the fix as the years move on.

Just like in most affairs, it an iceberg, You only know as much as you have proven, there may be a "lifestyle" your wife has had for years. This time she just got more daring and ot caught, then she though she could keep doing b/c she has gotten away with it for years.

Its time to move with out her and her addiction.


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## LostCPA

the guy said:


> Lost, are you sure you snore? Has this been confirmed, I mean she could have used this excuse for years to be with more then your nieghbor...why back when.
> Its my experience that this kind of behavior your WW is doing has a history. It starts out small in the beganning and as the years pass it snow balls into basemant sex while your up in your bed.
> 
> Just like any addiction, it is a progression, being daring and more daring, more amount of the drug ia needed to get the fix as the years move on.
> 
> Just like in most affairs, it an iceberg, You only know as much as you have proven, there may be a "lifestyle" your wife has had for years. This time she just got more daring and ot caught, then she though she could keep doing b/c she has gotten away with it for years.
> 
> Its time to move with out her and her addiction.


Don’t think that possibility hasn’t crossed my mind. I have searched my mind over the past 2 weeks for any signs I may have missed in the past. I can’t really put my finger on anything, but that doesn’t mean nothing was going on. She has fought depression since shortly after our youngest child was born and has been on and off meds for it for years. There have been times when she was cold and distant, but I always chalked it up to the depression and she would eventually come back around to acting more “normal.”

I do know for a fact that I snore because the kids have given me a hard time about it for years. I don’t know how often or how loud, but the WW has been averaging a couple of nights a week in the guest room for the past 10years or so. 

I am just anxious to get this over with asap. I knew deep down after d-day 1 that couldn’t get over this but I convinced myself to give it another shot after she was so seemingly apologetic and honest. I fell for the begging and gave in, ignoring my better judgment. Now, I just need to get out of this marriage and out of this house so that I can move on with my life.

I was reading the “If I knew then what I know now” thread and could relate. I was more willing to take advice from friends who have never been through this than from people on here who had been in my shoes. I bought the “ who are you going to listen to, your friends who know you or some stranger on the internet” line and I am paying for it now.


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## michzz

Your wife acted from the infidelity play book.

No self respect so why respect her husband?

Using "repair, seemingly remorseful tears" as a method of going deeper underground with the affair for years.

Hope you recover soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

You know she is going to turn on the water works and say how sorry she is and that she is just a victim and that you should give her another chance.

Do not fall for any more lies from her. To bring another man in the house to [email protected] while you sleep is beyond evil. What if a kid got up and found them? 

Please blow this us to the OMW as he is as evil as your wife, to do this in your own house. Wow, these two are just absolute trash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden

I think this is a no brainer...she is not sorry about what she did to you. She is not going to stop. You can spend the rest of your life staying with her and dealing with this emotional abuse or you can choose to leave and try and make the best out of your life. These things happen to many people but it does not mean there are no better options out there. Go find happiness for yourself, this woman does not have your best interests at heart.


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## LostCPA

So, here’s the deal. I got all the evidence I needed last night and if all goes as planned she will be served with divorce papers tomorrow.

I have both audio and video of their hookup and I have locked the originals in my desk at the office and made a copy to send to OMW and one to spring on my WW tonight. 

I am just so cold emotionally right now that I just want her gone and this whole thing over with. I knew after d-day 1 that I probably wouldn’t get over this but I let her begging and crying keep me from doing what needed to be done. When I found that prepaid phone and those emails I could feel myself just check out. I was ticked but mostly at myself for being a fool. Now, I go between anger at her and then just nothing. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster. But, just taking the bull by the horns and getting control of things has made me start to feel a little better.

I’m sure there will be tough days ahead, but right now I’m relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I need to tell my kids about things. Should I do it before she is served or after? I definitely will NOT play the recordings for them, but I did plan to tell them that I have that evidence as proof of her ongoing affair. Any advice on how to handle the kids?


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## Shaggy

I would still not confront her. Instead I would wait until she is at home and while she is in sight contact the OMW sending the video to her and then wait for the OM to contact your wife.

Seeing the look on her face when the OM tells her will be priceless. Busted!

Then tell her she can now sleep down in the basement with her memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3

Shaggy said:


> I would still not confront her. Instead I would wait until she is at home and while she is in sight contact the OMW sending the video to her and then wait for the OM to contact your wife.
> 
> Seeing the look on her face when the OM tells her will be priceless. Busted!
> 
> Then tell her she can now sleep down in the basement with her memories.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Winner winner! Chicken Dinner!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Whip Morgan

Whatever you do, don't let her get wind of what you have - I'd not tell the children until after it all goes down.

And stay calm. You might want a VAR on your body in case she makes some threats.


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## Almostrecovered

Id get your papers in order first
Then give copies of proof to omw
Then serve wife and kick her ass out if you can
Then tell kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden

LostCPA said:


> So, here’s the deal. I got all the evidence I needed last night and if all goes as planned she will be served with divorce papers tomorrow.
> 
> I have both audio and video of their hookup and I have locked the originals in my desk at the office and made a copy to send to OMW and one to spring on my WW tonight.
> 
> I am just so cold emotionally right now that I just want her gone and this whole thing over with. I knew after d-day 1 that I probably wouldn’t get over this but I let her begging and crying keep me from doing what needed to be done. When I found that prepaid phone and those emails I could feel myself just check out. I was ticked but mostly at myself for being a fool. Now, I go between anger at her and then just nothing. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster. But, just taking the bull by the horns and getting control of things has made me start to feel a little better.
> 
> I’m sure there will be tough days ahead, but right now I’m relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> I need to tell my kids about things. Should I do it before she is served or after? I definitely will NOT play the recordings for them, but I did plan to tell them that I have that evidence as proof of her ongoing affair. Any advice on how to handle the kids?


Wait till after the divorce papers are served to tell your kids...I think that after this last time you kinda fell out of love with her...in a way that's a good thing it makes the divorce and separation process much easier, i think you feel this way because you somewhat expected it for sometime so you were emotionally prepared for now just go through with the plan when the time comes you will know what to say to the kids but for now keep them out of it until this ugly situation is resolved, I am glad you were able to handle things so efficiently, more people should be that way.


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## KanDo

Excellent work. Don't tell the kids until she is served. I like the OMW as the conduit of what you have. However, she will need to clearly know how tight your case is if you want her to agree to your terms.

Good luck. I really want to hear how this goes.


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## aug

LostCPA said:


> I am just so cold emotionally right now that I just want her gone and this whole thing over with. I knew after d-day 1 that I probably wouldn’t get over this but I let her begging and crying keep me from doing what needed to be done. When I found that prepaid phone and those emails I could feel myself just check out. I was ticked but mostly at myself for being a fool. Now, I go between anger at her and then just nothing. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster. But, just taking the bull by the horns and getting control of things has made me start to feel a little better.
> 
> I’m sure there will be tough days ahead, but right now I’m relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Looks like you have come to accept your situation and am moving on with your life. That's progress.


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## aug

not important. ignore this post


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## Shaggy

Since you now have proof you should make sure they don't have opportunity tonight. No ambien, heck stay up and watch tv, anything to crimp her playtime!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

LostCPA said:


> I need to tell my kids about things. Should I do it before she is served or after? I definitely will NOT play the recordings for them, but I did plan to tell them that I have that evidence as proof of her ongoing affair. Any advice on how to handle the kids?


If your kids are older than, say, 9 you can explain to them in simple terms. For example, mommy has a boyfriend and we'll not be together anymore. 

They will need a parent that they can trust and hold onto and who loves them.

You can always prepare them by saying that you love them and will always be there for them.

And afterwards shield them as much as you can from your wife's fury.


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## aug

Shaggy said:


> Since you now have proof you should make sure they don't have opportunity tonight. No ambien, heck stay up and watch tv, anything to crimp her playtime!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Or, why dont you sleep in the basement tonight?


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## joe kidd

Honestly you have a perfect opportunity to hurt him physically if you wish. Walk down in the middle of the night and beat the hell out of him. If questions are asked well... you heard noises and assumed that an intruder was raping your wife and you took action. If that was something you wanted to do.


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## the guy

Wait, this could be monumental and empowering!

Send OMW and have WW confront you.

Confront in front of friends and family, classic humiliation for her.

Confront OM only and ask for money the expose.

Point is bro , never make a split second disicion when it comes to a life changing event like this. Think this trough along with every step you take from here on out!


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## MrQuatto

if you are not sure if you might be willing to work anythign out with her, do NOT disclose how you know what you know. it's ok to give the info to the OMW but not to your DS.

However, if your done done done, then feel free to let her know whatever as far as evidence.

Q~


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## Dadof3

joe kidd said:


> Honestly you have a perfect opportunity to hurt him physically if you wish. Walk down in the middle of the night and beat the hell out of him. If questions are asked well... you heard noises and assumed that an intruder was raping your wife and you took action. If that was something you wanted to do.


I'd buy that for a dollar! :lol:

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LostCPA

I decided to wait until after she’s served the papers sometime today to show her the new evidence. That should put an end to any angry outburst or begging for another chance. I have thought of a thousand things I would like to do to OM, but I simply refuse to lower myself to his level. I know what has to be done and I’m resolved to follow through with the divorce. I grieve the loss of a 25 year relationship(23 years of marriage), but the truth is that WW is not the same woman I married. I hope that at some point she’s able to get her life back on track and fix whatever’s wrong with her, but I just can’t be a part of that after what I’ve been through the past few months.

My kids are all old enough to understand what’s going on. The oldest is a freshman in college and the younger two are both in high school. I exposed her affair to all of them after d-day 1, 6 months ago. I think I will take the advice here and wait until after the WW is served and presented with the evidence to speak with the kids. I think in some ways this divorce will be a relief to them. They have all told me not to stay in this marriage for them and that they would be fine if I ended it.

I have mixed feelings today. I’m a little sad and a little relieved at the same time.


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## Almostrecovered

don't forget OMW


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

For what it's worth...

You should be proud of yourself. You are handling this nightmare with a courage, grace and dignity that many men in your situation couldn't. 

Bravo dude, bravo.


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## Gabriel

I can't even fathom the level of pain this must be for you. Taking the high road would be near impossible for me at this stage. I would get some serious pleasure out of letting them have it and exposing this to all the neighbors. I agree with the above that you HAVE to tell his wife, even if you think she already knows. Tell her the details you know. Even show her the tape.

Have you watched the tape? I mean, how graphic is it? I would physically shake and likely vomit watching my W doing some other guy in my basement.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Did your lawyer say that this evidence was admisable ? I assume you researched your methods (hidden cam's, mic's) of gathering this information from a legal standpoint.

I'm curious, what does your lawyers say that this evidence does for your 'case' ?


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## F-102

Say, here's an idea. Wait until right before your W comes home, then invite the OMW over for coffee. Then, when you see your W pulling up in the driveway, show the OMW the tape. Then tell W and OMW: "I'll leave you two to get reacquainted."


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## the guy

Were does the OMW come into play? 

After your STBXW is served or after you confront STBXW is confronted with the latest evidence?

One way or another the OMw should be told, if it was you , you would want to know. Please help expose what is being done to OMW.

Please contact OMW ASAP


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## LostCPA

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Did your lawyer say that this evidence was admisable ? I assume you researched your methods (hidden cam's, mic's) of gathering this information from a legal standpoint.
> 
> I'm curious, what does your lawyers say that this evidence does for your 'case' ?


I don’t know if it’s admissible in court or not and did not ask my lawyer. My filing is based on my personal testimony of catching them in the act earlier and cellphone records from early this year that show hundreds of texts between them at all hours of the day and night. 

I did look into privacy laws and while there are certain places where there is an expectation of privacy, my state doesn’t explicitly prohibit placing cameras in those locations. It is deemed okay to install cameras in a bedroom when it is approved by the owner of the property which is me. I also know that I can’t use it to try to blackmail her or him in any way. 

My intent for this information is simply to avoid the inevitable denials which I have heard whenever I found something suspicious. I’m just tired of getting lied to. I’m hoping the video will convince her not to drag this out and simply agree to the divorce. I would like to avoid unnecessary legal fees and delays to most likely get back to what I’m offering her which is a 50/50split of all assets. I would also like for her to give me custody of our minor children and in turn I will give her unlimited visitation rights and not ask for any child support. My boys are 15 and 16 and would most likely be given a voice in which parent they preferred to stay with and I am sure that would be me based on their anger at her affair from my exposure 6 months ago.

I do plan to inform OMW of their continued affair asap after I confront my WW.


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## WhereAmI

F-102 said:


> Say, here's an idea. Wait until right before your W comes home, then invite the OMW over for coffee. Then, when you see your W pulling up in the driveway, show the OMW the tape. Then tell W and OMW: "I'll leave you two to get reacquainted."


If I was shown a video in such a manner, I'd likely rip the OW to shreads. We need to remember that the OMW will be crushed. Her initial response will likely come from a place of pure emotion. It's only fair to present her with the evidence when she's in a safe place, like her home. Setting her up to do something that could affect her future is horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Can you inform OMW before your wife has time to warn the OM? 

Maybe prevent whatever means they use to communicate from working for a time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

LostCPA said:


> what I’m offering her which is a 50/50split of all assets. I would also like for her to give me custody of our minor children and in turn I will give her unlimited visitation rights and not ask for any child support. .


She would be insane not to accept what your offering. That's entirely to generous. IMHO.

I might consider avoiding communication about it when you inform the OMW. Simply hand her the tape(s) and tell her you think that she should see it. Then walk away. I also don't know if I would wait until after the discussion with the Wife. I would set off all the bombs at the same time. But, your doing well... Do what you feel you need to do. It's your party and your handling it well from where Im sitting.


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## Almostrecovered

I think a heads up on what's on the tape would be a nicety for the OMW


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## the guy

When exposing to OMW, remember , just like you it was hard to absorb and except. So simply introduce your self, why you are contacting her and your contact info if and when she is ready ofr the proof you have.

If and when she contacts you again, then explain the graphic nature and a warning that she will need. 

Again don't push OMW or rush her with details that would be cruel, but simply letting her know and that you have proof when she is ready, that is just being honest and protecting a stranger from getting hit by a train. Let the OMW decide when the train will wreck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

yeah, after thinking about it Im going to agree with Almost Rec & The Guy about handling the conversation with as much respect for her feelings as possible. Just handing her the tape as I suggested might be cruel. I wouldn't lose sight of the fact that you did not do this to her, her husband and your wife did this. Your just the messenger. She does deserve to know though.


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## Dadof3

Almost wonder if you brief her of it before your wife is home, let her know what time you will have the convo, to allow her time to digest and not spill the beans until you have already finished your confrontation.


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## ShootMePlz!

Just so you know its very unlikely she will give up custody of the kids and you will end up paying child support. If the kids are over 16 in most states they can choose which parent to stay with. Infidelity has no bearing on custody. You could ask your lawyer if you can depose the OM so the infidelity is on record during your divorce case. She may be protective of him and may give you what you want to prevent this.


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## Chaparral

This is so hard to believe. How could someone a person has loved and been loved by be so heartless and cruel. In your wildest imagination could you have ever imagined she could do anything like this? Its incomprehensible. 

I'm afraid I could never have handled all this as you have done. I would have probably ended up in jail.

Praying for you and your children and good luck.

At the least, I would never let her have any contact with me again in this lifetime.


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## F-102

I wouldn't wait until after the convo with W to tell the OMW-they can get together and cook up an alibi between them and make you out to be the insane, paranoid one who got the moronic idea in his head to make up the story of an affair (Hmmm...strange that he didn't tell the OMW before) and then started to "spy" on his W.


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## it-guy

F102...i dont thing they can lie their way out of a video tape.  that is just priceless. Cant wait to hear how this one goes down.-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

This is all so sad. twenty five years with a person and then they morph into something else. 
I had a similar experience with the final showdown. Be strong because she will push ever button you have. She knows them all. Even ones you didn't know you had. 
You are handling this with some aplomb I must say. 

I'll let you into a secret too..

A year down the track and you will wonder why you stayed so long. Single man. 25 year relationship. Children. 

You are HOT PROPERTY in the 40+ dating scene. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Almostrecovered

updates?


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## LostCPA

This was a crazy, stressful weekend, but in the end I feel like I’m on the right track for personal recovery. She was served with divorce papers on Friday afternoon at work. She must have sent a dozen angry texts and left close to that many voicemails before I got home. I only responded to one text and simply told her we would talk about it when I got home.

I did send the OMW a text telling her that I had new video evidence that the affair was still going on and that I would send it to her if she wanted. She did, so I emailed it to her before I left to go home on Friday.

She started in as soon as I walked in wanting to know how I could blindside her like this and that she thought things were going well lately. I handed her my I-Pad and told her to watch the video. It probably took less than minutes for her to realize what she was watching. She dropped the I-Pad on the sofa and just sat there in shock for a while. When she finally did speak, all she could say was “I can explain” and “It’s not what you think.” I just told her to drop it because I wasn’t interested in excuses anymore.

After spending most of the weekend listening to excuses, pleading for “just one more chance” and tearful apologies she finally calmed down enough to talk about the divorce papers. I was able to explain my offer to her. Her only reservations were related to child custody. I told her to go talk to her own attorney and we could talk about it again after that. She is supposed to make an appointment today and let me know when it is. 

I have realized that I am just not the kind who can move on from this and recover the marriage. I think I knew that after d-day 1, but I just wasn’t ready to give up on something and someone that had been so integral in over half my life. I don’t know that I can really ever be friends with her again, but I am committed to being cordial for the sake of my kids. 

The last 6 months felt like I was living in limbo. Now, I feel like I am taking positive steps to move on with my life.


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## Whip Morgan

Lost,

Sorry to hear about this mess, but its good to hear that you're getting the feeling that you're on the right track. And it sounds like your cheating wife might be willing to keep this as civil as possible. Hopefully she will. 

Cheers to your steps into the new world.


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## Gabriel

This is very satisfying to hear. You handled it perfectly. She probably can't believe she got caught. What a purely awesome "gotcha" moment.

I'm curious - when she said, "it's not what you think" and "I can explain", what on earth could she possibly say? What "excuses" did she come up with?


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## Almostrecovered

lying to the bitter end, not a surprise

just shows you're doing the right thing

stay strong and good luck


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## LostCPA

Gabriel said:


> This is very satisfying to hear. You handled it perfectly. She probably can't believe she got caught. What a purely awesome "gotcha" moment.
> 
> I'm curious - when she said, "it's not what you think" and "I can explain", what on earth could she possibly say? What "excuses" did she come up with?



Is there ever really a good explanation for this kind of behavior? She tried to play it off as a one-time thing, as a moment of weakness. She tried to shift the blame to OM. She didn’t know then that I had copies of their emails from her secret account, but she does now.

The truth is that we have both neglected the marriage for many years. The big difference is that I didn’t choose to cheat and she did. I told her that the time for working on things was years ago and that I just didn’t have it in me to deal with her choices with OM.


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## sadcalifornian

No matter what bad marriage you have, it should not be an excuse for an affair. It's because an affair does not solve anything. It makes it worse and in many cases it just puts nails in the coffin. 

An healthy individual is the one who can detach and move away when faced in an abusive environment. The way she has treated you for the past 6 months is nothing short of abusing you and your marriage. You seem very grounded person with a sound moral value. Don't let yourself pulled down to her level by letting her confuse you with any excuse. Be strong with your present course of action, and all will be well. I am sorry that this happened to you, but we all have to deal with what rotten cards we are dealt. You will be OK after all this. I promise you as I have been there.


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## Tap1214

OMG, I can't believe her response!!!!! Thank goodness you waited until you actually had VIDEO proof. But even then she continued to lie and make excuses for her behavior, even tries to blame it on OM. Basically she's sorry that she got caught and has no remorse how she betrayed you and the kids!! 
So happy you email the proof to OW, as she deserves to know what her H has been doing behind her back. 
Thank Goodness you are moving on with your life and does your children know what just happened? Stay Strong!!


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## Almostrecovered

I do hope you gave OMW more info than just the video, lest OM tries to lie his way out of it. (but really, it must a hard one to get out of..)


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## sadcalifornian

And, you must send the copy of the video to OMW as well. In a case like this, what hurts even more is that WW tends to spread misleading info to people around you making you into a bad guy to alleviate their guilt. So, despite all this, there will be people believing you somehow are just as, if not more, at fault as she is. You must protect your reputation and let people know why you are divorcing her. 

Men often keep this kind of things to themselves out of embarassment, and it backfires more often than not. You do not have to be vindictive, but you have to let people know what's going on. If necessary, do not feel bad about showing evidences, even the video. What have you got to lose? Some may think you are a chump to let this happen, but at least they will not think you are the bad guy and understand why you have to divorce. 

I made a mistake of keeping things quiet while my XWW babbling about why our M was over and we are divorcing to her entire social network. She did not even reveal the fact about her A. Now, those people all think I was a bad husband to destroy the M. They wouldn't even speak to me. And, I have no intention to awkwardly knocking on each of their door to explain what really happened as so much time has already passed. Don't make the same mistake I made.


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## Almostrecovered

sadcalifornian said:


> And, you must send the copy of the video to OMW as well.



he did



LostCPA said:


> I did send the OMW a text telling her that I had new video evidence that the affair was still going on and that I would send it to her if she wanted. She did, *so I emailed it to her* before I left to go home on Friday.


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## sadcalifornian

Thks, Almostrecovered. I don't know how I missed that part. :scratchhead:


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## Shaggy

Was there any fallout from the OM? He lives across the street or nearby doesn't he?

Did they try to support one another or throw each other under the bus?

As for " its not what it looks like" She must think you are the dumbest guy on earth? Caught red handed on video while you slept upstairs. Your stbxw sure has a lot of guile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostCPA

Shaggy said:


> Was there any fallout from the OM? He lives across the street or nearby doesn't he?
> 
> Did they try to support one another or throw each other under the bus?
> 
> As for " its not what it looks like" She must think you are the dumbest guy on earth? Caught red handed on video while you slept upstairs. Your stbxw sure has a lot of guile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don’t really know what OMW did. I haven’t talked to her since I sent the video. I don’t really care at this point. They do live next door and all I know is that his car was in the driveway all weekend so she hasn’t given him the boot yet. I just thought she had a right to know. I would have wanted to have been told if I were in her shoes.

What do you think the chances are that this is not her first affair? I am finding it harder and harder to believe that she just flipped this switch and lost her mind. She has denied it when I ask about the past, but at this point, her word doesn’t really mean anything.


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## the guy

IMHO I would believe this kind of behavior snowballs.
Many years a go your STBXW may have made out with some dude. She may have even started by sexting then as time passes another oppertunity ,a different guy and a little less quilt she kisses a guy.

years down the road she has even less quilt and may have had a make out session in some guys car. Its possible that by this time the guilt is almost gone but she may have a a short 1 or 2 week affair.

Then the present her behavior has progressed to a point were the guilt is completely gone, she has gotten away with it for years and the fear of getting caught has disappeared completely in such a manner that she now has this fantasy that she can do this right under your nose and in her own home.

I believe cheaters have a process thats starts out small and there own guilt gets in the way, but when it happens again it doesn't feel as bad as the kiss and making out in a car with some strang guy is just another step in the whole " well I did it once I may as well do it again" kind of thinking.

I think the mind set of a cheater is such that as they feel bad the first time and they seem to keep justiying the fact that they are already a bad person so they continue and it gets more brazen each time.

The reason I have this conclusion in your case is the simple fact that it was so brazen. I just don't think one takes such a risky/brazen act enless they have experience and had the time to bury the evil they do as their behavior progresses.


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## sadcalifornian

I think the chances are high that she has done this before considering the audacity of carrying out the acts so callously right under your nose. Maybe not the full blown A of this magnitude but something more marginal here and there. Through the A, BS often finds the dark hiden side of WS that he/she never realized before in the M. There is the side of her she was pretending as a wife and mother, but she has been hiding another side that she only share with her lover(s). 

The only way to get to the bottom of it, although not 100% accurate, would be demanding polygraph. Just asking for it and seeing how she responds may give you some clue if there is more.


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## Shaggy

I'm curious, while she was continuing the affair in the basement did she cut you off? Was he her partner of priority or was he the secret bit on the side?

What was going through her head?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

You should watch yourself and house. The OMmay try to get some revenge for you spoiling his fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

Sorry that it turned out like this, but I'm glad you pulled the plug on her. Stay strong, bro-we're here for you!


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## LostCPA

Shaggy said:


> I'm curious, while she was continuing the affair in the basement did she cut you off? Was he her partner of priority or was he the secret bit on the side?
> 
> What was going through her head?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



There was no noticeable difference in the frequency of our intimacy. It’s averaged 2-3x per week for as long as I can remember with the exception of a few weeks after d-day 1 and the past 2 weeks. Of course, there were weeks of more than 3x and weeks of none sprinkled in during that time.

I did go the week after d-day 2 and have the full round of STD tests again. There’s nothing quite like going to your Dr for those tests 2x in 6 months time. Luckily all were negative.


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## MrQuatto

Wow, just... Wow.


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## Gabriel

I am really sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are removing yourself emotionally now. Be strong for your kids. While very tempting, try not to demonize you W. Your kids are still 1/2 her. Many kids feel much worse about their own self worth when it turns out their parent has a serious flaw or does something terrible.

Must be tough with it being next door. I mean, at some point you'll see each other coming out of the garage or something.

I wasn't implying earlier than any excuse would be a good one, I was just curious as to how someone has the gall to deny something on videotape. I mean, how can you not just say, sh*t, I guess you figured it out.

Another pattern I have noticed is that wayward spouses tend to get really angry once the BS catches them or springs the D word. Wouldn't you feel shame or fear? If it were me I would want to crawl in a hole with my shame, not lash out in anger. I get why (ruined their fun, etc), but yet, I don't get how.


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## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> You should watch yourself and house. The OMmay try to get some revenge for you spoiling his fun.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I would give OM one message. He does one more thing I don't like and I'm going to plaster his cheating a$$ ALL over the internet.


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## lordmayhem

First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All I can offer you is the encouragement that you are doing the right things and you have shown courage, restraint, and class. I would not have been able to show the calmness and self control that you have considering the situation. 



LostCPA said:


> There was no noticeable difference in the frequency of our intimacy. It’s averaged 2-3x per week for as long as I can remember with the exception of a few weeks after d-day 1 and the past 2 weeks. Of course, there were weeks of more than 3x and weeks of none sprinkled in during that time.
> 
> I did go the week after d-day 2 and have the full round of STD tests again. There’s nothing quite like going to your Dr for those tests 2x in 6 months time. Luckily all were negative.


In most cases, there would have been a drop off of intimacy. Now I've read many stories that _there are those cheaters who can completely compartmentalize one part of their lives from the other_. These are the sociopaths, and she would make a great spy if that was her profession. 

As others have been saying, the sheer audacity of what she was doing (sex in the basement while you're asleep), also seems to indicate that this may not have been her first affair. IMHO, it probably shows that she's an experienced cheater. One doesn't automatically become able to compartmentalize overnight. It takes practice. It takes experience. I would guess that if you were to really do a deep investigation, you would most likely find that she's been able to live a double life for years. She's become a great actress as deceit became eaiser and easier for her. Crying the crocodile tears is not great effort for her. This is just my guess based on the facts that you've stated.


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## LostCPA

I am torn over how much I want to know. Part of me is obsessing over knowing all of the details including any prior affairs, but there’s also a part that just says let it go and move on. What good would that knowledge really do. But, I just can’t shake the thought that our marriage has been a sham for years and I was oblivious to it.

She agreed to move to the guestroom until we could work out other housing arrangements. It’s kind of like we’re already living separate lives in the same house. My boys refuse to talk to her and I am avoiding her as much as possible. She has an appointment with an attorney on Friday, so I hope he will agree that I’m giving her a sweetheart of a deal given our circumstances. 

I have scheduled some counseling for me and the boys for next week. I’ve always been very independent and self sufficient, but I think I need outside help with this one. 

How important do you think it is that I get the full truth of the last number of years to be able to move on?


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## Eli-Zor

If you are divorcing her the extra information will not help you, if you want to R then the whole truth is a must.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Eli-Zor said:


> If you are divorcing her the extra information will not help you, if you want to R then the whole truth is a must.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## LostCPA

Eli-Zor said:


> If you are divorcing her the extra information will not help you, if you want to R then the whole truth is a must.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know that’s the smart thing to do. But, it really ticks me off that I may have been played for a fool for years. I am starting to question every late night at work, every girls night out, and every girls weekend trip of the past 10 years and wondering if I could have been that big of a fool.

Since divorce is the option I chose I guess I should just forget about knowing. She has no reason to open up and be honest and I would have no idea where to start looking to dig up proof.


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## Unsure in Seattle

Lost, it sounds like you know what you need to know. Your wife cheated on you, and, perhaps more worryingly, she did it in your own home, over and over again. I don't see what knowing the (rest of the) sorrid details will do for you. You're not going to get peace of mind, you know?


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## the guy

Your looking at this all wrong, so please change your thinking!

You were not played the fool, you are a good man, honesty and rightous. 

On the other hand your wife is the fool to behave like this for years with no regard for her family. She is the fool here that will grow old in an apartment full of cats and cat boo. She is the fool to risk it all and now die alone as her kids grow up to resent her and leave her to her vises.

You sir are not the fool, she is!

You are a good father and a trusting husband that was betrayed, you never acted foolish and tried to work a marriage out with a foolish person...your wife!

Please stop think about the past and look towards the future as your boys grow and the new and healthier life ahead of you with out a foolish women.


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## Gabriel

I can't imagine how much shame your W must feel right now. Usually in these circumstances, the kids don't really know why mom and dad are breaking up. Or if they do, they don't know the gory details. Did I read that right, that they knew your W was sleeping with the next door neighbor in the basement, and that you have video proof?

I mean, how does a mother ever get any respect back from her kids, especially SONS? She will never live that down. It will take a modern miracle for her children to forgive what she has done. She has lost not only her faithful husband, but the children she has born form her womb. What more punishment can you possibly get?

The reason I am saying this is because no matter what you find out about the past, it won't really help you. In an instant, your W has lost the love and respect of her entire family, probably forever. The guy is totally right. Your W is the fool, and will be paying for this, more dearly than you, for the rest of her life. She will live in shame until she dies, knowing her own sons, who I'm sure she adores, have shunned her for her actions. At least you can grow closer to your sons and still have a family with them.

This whole thing is so terribly sad.


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## jayde

the guy said:


> Your looking at this all wrong, so please change your thinking!
> 
> You were not played the fool, you are a good man, honesty and rightous.
> 
> On the other hand your wife is the fool to behave like this for years with no regard for her family. She is the fool here that will grow old in an apartment full of cats and cat boo. She is the fool to risk it all and now die alone as her kids grow up to resent her and leave her to her vises.
> 
> You sir are not the fool, she is!
> 
> You are a good father and a trusting husband that was betrayed, you never acted foolish and tried to work a marriage out with a foolish person...your wife!
> 
> Please stop think about the past and look towards the future as your boys grow and the new and healthier life ahead of you with out a foolish women.


Well said!!! 

You can hold your head high sir! The cheaters are the ones full of shame!


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## LostCPA

Gabriel said:


> I can't imagine how much shame your W must feel right now. Usually in these circumstances, the kids don't really know why mom and dad are breaking up. Or if they do, they don't know the gory details. Did I read that right, that they knew your W was sleeping with the next door neighbor in the basement, and that you have video proof?
> 
> I mean, how does a mother ever get any respect back from her kids, especially SONS? She will never live that down. It will take a modern miracle for her children to forgive what she has done. She has lost not only her faithful husband, but the children she has born form her womb. What more punishment can you possibly get?
> 
> The reason I am saying this is because no matter what you find out about the past, it won't really help you. In an instant, your W has lost the love and respect of her entire family, probably forever. The guy is totally right. Your W is the fool, and will be paying for this, more dearly than you, for the rest of her life. She will live in shame until she dies, knowing her own sons, who I'm sure she adores, have shunned her for her actions. At least you can grow closer to your sons and still have a family with them.
> 
> This whole thing is so terribly sad.


I told all 3 of my kids about her affair the day after d-day 1. They were all old enough to know what was going on that would affect their lives. They do not know about the video evidence. I just told them that I had additional evidence that the affair was still going on and that she had not stopped as she promised to do and that because of that I was filing for divorce.

The 2 boys refuse to speak to her and pretty much ignore her whenever she is around. My daughter is still talking to her mother. She is at college, so she doesn’t have to live in the house with the WW everyday. I think she still believes that she can eventually get through to her mother. 

The WW is a wreck. She has called in sick to work for the past 2 days and from the looks of her in the evening, I don’t think she’s showered in days. There is still a small part of me that feels for her, but there is another part that enjoys watching her suffer. I just want her to hurt like I do and feel the pain she’s caused. I am fighting to be the better person through all of this, but it’s a real struggle.


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## it-guy

Anything at all from the OM's side of the fence? Cant imagine living next door to him. Mine is only a few miles away and it bugs me.


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## the guy

It sound like your STBXW has lost her fix and is withdrawing from the drug.
I'm sure she will regroup and find a new fix as she recover from the lose of the OM if him and his wife may want to work it out.
Soon she will get a fix for her addiction, either from same OM or the many she has on the side, the only difference you and the boys won't be around.

I'm all for chances brother but I believe your STXW has used hers up. So stay strong and focus on your self and the boys.

It will get tougher for her as reality sets in and even if her name is on the deed, you may want to "offer" her a chance to move out. It could be best for all involved.

Who knows she may take the offer and do something better for her self, or she may slip deeper into her unhealthy life style.

I'm just thinking it may be best for her to step away and distance her self from you.....really it may be better for you and the boys if she took the offer to move out and distance your self from her BS that she created.


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## Gabriel

LostCPA said:


> I told all 3 of my kids about her affair the day after d-day 1. They were all old enough to know what was going on that would affect their lives. They do not know about the video evidence. I just told them that I had additional evidence that the affair was still going on and that she had not stopped as she promised to do and that because of that I was filing for divorce.
> 
> The 2 boys refuse to speak to her and pretty much ignore her whenever she is around. My daughter is still talking to her mother. She is at college, so she doesn’t have to live in the house with the WW everyday. I think she still believes that she can eventually get through to her mother.
> 
> The WW is a wreck. She has called in sick to work for the past 2 days and from the looks of her in the evening, I don’t think she’s showered in days. There is still a small part of me that feels for her, but there is another part that enjoys watching her suffer. I just want her to hurt like I do and feel the pain she’s caused. I am fighting to be the better person through all of this, but it’s a real struggle.


It is completely understandable to get some pleasure out of seeing her suffer for what she has done. It is also natural to feel sorry for her too. You spent a lot of your life loving this woman. The idea of her moving out isn't a bad one.

Do you sense she is calling in sick and looking pathetic as a sympathy ploy? If it's legit then yes, it appears the fog has lifted and now she is going through the withdrawal phase.


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## Chaparral

the guy said:


> Your looking at this all wrong, so please change your thinking!
> 
> You were not played the fool, you are a good man, honesty and rightous.
> 
> On the other hand your wife is the fool to behave like this for years with no regard for her family. She is the fool here that will grow old in an apartment full of cats and cat boo. She is the fool to risk it all and now die alone as her kids grow up to resent her and leave her to her vises.
> 
> You sir are not the fool, she is!
> 
> You are a good father and a trusting husband that was betrayed, you never acted foolish and tried to work a marriage out with a foolish person...your wife!
> 
> Please stop think about the past and look towards the future as your boys grow and the new and healthier life ahead of you with out a foolish women.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: 100%

Trusting your spouse is honorable and don't forget it. There is no point in asking a liar about the past since she could/would make up stuff to hurt you or fool you. She is one of the biggest fools I've ever heard of.

Look what she has given up for so little in exchange. Hopefully this will wise her up and she may be able to salvage her life but she will always be a broken woman whether she realizes it or not.


----------



## WasDecimated

LostCPA,

I have been keeping up with your story. I am very sorry this happened to you as well. I have been married for 14 years and have 3 children. My wife also had an affair. I wish I had the courage to do what you are doing when I got the evidence. Not a day goes by that I wish would have just filed for divorce like you did. I went and talked to several attorneys…but never did. I kept holding out for hope that she would change and realize what we had. She knew about the appointments and it seemed to wake her up a little. I wrongly deduced that bluffing her would be enough. In retrospect, I think that was a big mistake.

After that she did seem to come out of the fog and commit to our marriage. We are still together but I feel I am doing most of the work. She tells me she loves me everyday but can I believe her? She claims NC for 6 months. I have no evidence otherwise. She still has not opened up and told me the whole story and why she allowed it to happen. She shuts down and stares at the floor whenever I try to discuss it. She is making efforts in other ways but I need honesty...I need the whole truth to move on. I feel that if I would have just filed for D like you did it would have been over sooner…one way or another. We would have been divorced by now or it is possible that she may have woke up sooner and that might have saved me months of emotional and physical torture. The shocking reality of divorce papers can sometimes wake up a WS.

It has been 9 months since D day #1 (Trickle Truth and lies began) and about 6 months since D day #2 (When I got the hard evidence…she did not deny it anymore) I have good days and bad days. With the exception of her not opening up with the whole story, our life at home seems to be OK. 

I feel like I handled my situation like a fool. I am ashamed that I allowed my wife and her affair to destroy my self esteem to a point that I couldn't face life without her. I was far too trusting of a woman that I thought I knew. The advice I was given by the good people on these boards was to do what you are now doing. I think you are doing the right thing. I commend you on your courage and wish you and your children the best in the future.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Wow Decimated. Well said!, that was poweful and honest. Thank you for sharing that. Great contribution.


----------



## WasDecimated

Thank You Pit,
I keep hoping that some good can come out of my avoidable suffering. If I can help save just one BS the agonizing pain that I put my self through then maybe that is the good part. I would rather someone learn from my mistakes then from their own.


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## LostCPA

Decimated said:


> Thank You Pit,
> I keep hoping that some good can come out of my avoidable suffering. If I can help save just one BS the agonizing pain that I put my self through then maybe that is the good part. I would rather someone learn from my mistakes then from their own.


That’s the main reason, I came back here. I just don’t want anyone else to make the same mistakes that I did. I don’t know that I should have gone straight to divorce after d-day 1, but I should have been more firm in my requirements to give recovery a shot. I pretty much gave her a free pass because I believed what I wanted to believe. I should have taken advantage of a keylogger and VAR from day 1. I would probably have demanded a polygraph to get the whole truth up front if I had it to do over. 

The good news is that OM will be moving on Saturday. OMW told me last night that he would be moving into a rental house they own which will be open when the current lease runs out on Friday. I know it’s a little late to do any real good, but at least I won’t have to run the risk of seeing him around the neighborhood.


----------



## Whip Morgan

LostCPA, thats good to hear. Lessons learned the hard way, but you handled this very well, kudos to you sir. Someday after time has passed and some individual counseling to help you (if you decide to try it) can share your home with a woman that loves you without having that idiot next door.


----------



## LostCPA

Whip Morgan said:


> LostCPA, thats good to hear. Lessons learned the hard way, but you handled this very well, kudos to you sir. Someday after time has passed and some individual counseling to help you (if you decide to try it) can share your home with a woman that loves you without having that idiot next door.



That may be the case, but it won't be in this house. I plan to sell it and it's bad memories asap. Any knew relationships will start in a new house where I will create new memories. But, I would think it will be a long time before I'm ready to think about dating and other women.

I feel more at peace with my decision to move straight to divorce everyday.


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## F-102

Move next door to him-he'll s**t bricks!


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## MrQuatto

F-102 said:


> Move next door to him-he'll s**t bricks!


I think they live next door now


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## Shaggy

So Lost is your wife still contacting the OM or did her dump her to save his own butt?

Has she accepted that she hot caught being about as awful a wife as she could be and started trying to be kind to you so you'll give her yet another chance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

MrQuatto said:


> I think they live next door now


I meant when the OM moves to his new location, and after LCPA leaves too.


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## Almostrecovered

no offense F-102 but you seem to have a lot of revenge fantasies, I worry about you at times....


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## F-102

Perhaps I should go into business-"Dirty Deeds-Done Dirt Cheap"


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## LostCPA

WW talked to her attorney on Friday and he basically advised her to take the agreement and run. They asked for a few minor procedural changes which I have no problem with. I told her I would run them by my attorney this week and let her know. If we can work the details our, we can finalize in 3 months.

On a brighter note, I picked up my boys from school on Friday and took them camping for the weekend. We had a great weekend. Nothing like a little hiking, fishing, and time around the campfire to relieve stress. We had some good discussions about things and I think they feel better about where we’re all headed and getting their heads around the idea of what their lives will be like lost divorce.


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## aug

Glad to see you accepting the situation and handling it well.


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## MrQuatto

How ya holding up, lost?


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## onthefence16

Excellent posts....maybe I will get a keylogger and VAR after all....I've even thought of getting a cell phone spy tracker....I am sneaking home I have another month to go here in this state where I work..My H doesn't know the exact day I'm coming and that's the way I want it....this way if there is a throw away phone it will be harder for him to hide it from me....as I will be coming home unexpectently.....All these stories is making my stomach turn...I don't understand why they do it.....


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## onthefence16

My H has the nerve to tell me that he felt guilty all along and the OW also...REALLY I ask.....it took them 10 months and me catching them for them to end it...supposedly.....doesn't sound like guilt to me......what a bunch of sh...t...gulty my butt......caught is more like it....


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## LostCPA

Update:

WW has gotten herself together somewhat. She is back at work and going through the motions of everyday life much like before d-day. She is spending most of her free time at home alone in the guestroom, but she is having dinner with me and the kids most nights. Things are still tense, but getting better by the day. We are still living in the same house until we can work out getting the house sold and moving.

She came to me yesterday and asked if I was sure that this divorce was what I really wanted. I assured her that I was certain. She proceeded to try to convince me to give things one more try. She even asked what it would take for me to call off everything and try again. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could do that. She said that she didn’t want to divorce and that she wanted to work things out, but she understood where I was at and that she would agree to my offer and not contest the divorce if that’s what I truly wanted.

She has offered to give me the entire truth including any details I ask for. She even offered to take a polygraph to prove she was telling the truth. It’s amazing how a little humility and remorse can make you question things. She has apologized several times to me and during dinner on Saturday, she apologized to the boys. She told them that she was sorry for what she had done to me and to them and that she was 100% responsible for breaking up our family.

At this point, I’m not ready to change from the current plan. I plan to move ahead with the divorce. I have about 3 months before things will be finalized so I am willing to listen to her and work with her for the next couple of months and then take one last look at things before everything is finalized.

I am really kind of confused about what I want to do at this point. There is certainly a part of me that thinks I should push ahead with the polygraph while she is willing and that if I get the whole truth and I see true contrition that I should consider putting things off and giving things another try. It’s hard to walk away from 25 years of your life even when she’s done what she’s done. But, there is another part of me that thinks I should push forward with the divorce and move on because there is no way I will ever get over the horrible images that I have branded into my head.

Am I crazy for even leaving the door for reconciliation open just a little bit?


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## Eli-Zor

The advantage you have now is the divorce can be cancelled at the last moment , speak to her again and lay some very firm conditions and boundaries including a no contact letter, letter of apology to the OM's wife , your parents and hers . Give it time you may find if she gives her everything you may decide to restart a new relationship. Do not make a promise to her that all will be well nor should you allow her to manipulate you. If you want the truth verified by a polygraph have her take one.

She will have a chance to do her everything to show her love to you .

You lose nothing by going this route
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

LCPA - I think your path is clear - all hands prepare for takeoff (D). She's got to pull one of those hollywood type of movie firetruck heists to stop the plane and convince you not to nudge the plane off the runway.

she's got a lot of hoops and heavy lifting to do. then there's the neighbor (OM) that sure will complicate things in such close proximity. something's gonna have to give here.


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## CH

Get the divorce 1st now to protect yourself. If things get better maybe (that's a big maybe) the 2 of you can start over fresh. You gave her the get out of jail card already, don't give her a 2nd one.

Stay firm and strong, go through with it (this will also show your kids that being taken advantage of isn't what they should settle for also).

If she really wants you, let her try and woo you this time and see if she's sincere. Do not back down IMO, go through with the D. Everytime you start to falter, just remember her banging the neighbor and lying to your face when you had video evidence.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


----------



## MrQuatto

Eli-Zor said:


> The advantage you have now is the divorce can be cancelled at the last moment , speak to her again and lay some very firm conditions and boundaries including a no contact letter, letter of apology to the OM's wife , your parents and hers . Give it time you may find if she gives her everything you may decide to restart a new relationship. Do not make a promise to her that all will be well nor should you allow her to manipulate you. If you want the truth verified by a polygraph have her take one.
> 
> She will have a chance to do her everything to show her love to you .
> 
> You lose nothing by going this route
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IF she is serious, I agree with this and you should also add in a post nup.

IF she is serous, no request is too out of line amongst those listed above. Any one of them is balked at, you have your sign she is trying sleight of hand.

Q~


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## Gabriel

Eli-Zor said:


> The advantage you have now is the divorce can be cancelled at the last moment , speak to her again and lay some very firm conditions and boundaries including a no contact letter, letter of apology to the OM's wife , your parents and hers . Give it time you may find if she gives her everything you may decide to restart a new relationship. Do not make a promise to her that all will be well nor should you allow her to manipulate you. If you want the truth verified by a polygraph have her take one.
> 
> She will have a chance to do her everything to show her love to you .
> 
> You lose nothing by going this route
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Eli is right on here. Proceed and let her lift really, really hard. If your feelings turn softer toward her, so be it. If they don't, then execute the D when the time arrives.

Her lifting may do nothing for you, but even then, it's beneficial to let her do this so your boys can see it from her. If/when you then D, your boys will have had the chance to see their mother in a better light, showing true remorse and contrition. It may save her relationship with them, even if it is too late for you. 

I've thought about your situation a lot. If I were you, I would D, but keep it very civil even after the D, to the point I had a productive relationship with the exW. And encourage the kids to forgive their mother. Then, maybe years later, we could be friends. Don't think I could ever have sex with her again.


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## bryanp

Sorry but it sounds like she is in total damage control. What she has done to you is beyond the pale (ie. screwing the OM in your basement while you slept). Now she wants to go back to the way it was and says she is sorry?

Divorce her. You can also marry her again if so inclined. Your wife has a totally broken moral compass who engaged in acts guaranteed to totally humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way. Would you ever conceive of doing things to her that she did to you? Of course you would not. How in the world could you ever trust somebody like this again? She did not even protect your home. Sorry but she sounds like quite the actress. I guess her perfect life with a lover and a dumb husband who trusted her and was put at risk for STD's is going away.


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## oceanch1d

I have been following your story for a while, and I find it really helpful and something to live up to. I especially appreciate you sharing about your wife's denials right up to the very end--even when she sees the proof. I think that is the best reminder any of us in the middle of it can get that cheaters really don't want to get caught and take responsibility. Your story has made me really try to work on approaching my reconciliation in a healthy and positive way, and given me the belief that I can also be strong enough to end it if that is what is necessary.

As for her remorse now, I don't know if I can give good advice being that you've been married for over 23 years, and I have been in this relationship just over two, but I don't think you should take her back. As a child of divorced parents (different issues, but similar feelings), I would have been happier if my parents could have been more firm in their decision. I think I might be more confident that I can find my own happiness (usually I am, but seeing as I'm in this forum and going for R myself, I sometimes wish I had a bigger backbone). And I think they are happier apart (after the initial shock). I think giving into her would show them that you are willing to accept a situation that doesn't make you happy, just secure, and by continuing with the D you and your wife have a chance to find real happiness within yourself. And if you and WW can and do stay friends, maybe in a few years when things aren't so tense feelings will change, but going back to limbo now will probably be hard for everyone.


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## Unsure in Seattle

A civil divorce is a must, now. A possible reconciliation, another chance, whatever, down the road? Well, anything's possible. But the marriage as it stands needs to be put to an end. If, later on, she can win you back, then you can go down that road...

I've faced betrayal in my life, but nothing on as quite of a grand scale as you have. For me, I don't know what amount of contrition would make it somehow okay. I don't know if anything could.


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## Mike11

Eli-Zor said:


> The advantage you have now is the divorce can be cancelled at the last moment , speak to her again and lay some very firm conditions and boundaries including a no contact letter, letter of apology to the OM's wife , your parents and hers . Give it time you may find if she gives her everything you may decide to restart a new relationship. Do not make a promise to her that all will be well nor should you allow her to manipulate you. If you want the truth verified by a polygraph have her take one.
> 
> She will have a chance to do her everything to show her love to you .
> 
> You lose nothing by going this route
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think Elis advice is on the ball, keep the D going, you have nothing to lose at that point, lay down the ground rules for R and let her fully understand that the D is going forward and she has this window of opportunity to heavy lift to show what she is willing to do,make her take the polygraph, at the end it is your life, non if us here can make a decision for you, do what is best for you and your boys.

The option of Devorce will be allways available for you to continue, you are in the driver seat now and you make the decisions


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## Whip Morgan

Lost, you're not a machine, of course there is nothing wrong with taking 25 years into consideration in making such a huge decision. 

I've followed both threads in your story. The way I see it, this woman continued to deceive you and your children( am I correct in recalling you exposed to family?) aftershe was caught. She worked to drive the affair deeper to continue the pleasure she got from betraying you. The difference this time, I believe, is the course of action you're taking now. I imagine she is much more humble and apologetic this time around. However, does that make you believe she is genuine?

I personally believe youre makingthe right decision. When she says she won't contest it, you have an opportunity for a civil divorce. As a child of an acrimonious divorce, I would take the opportunity for a civil divorce. There is nothing to prevent you from reconciling after divorce. I think you're doing the right thing in divorce right now, as I could never again trust her. Especially with that guy next door. Or did he move out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

I'm not sure how the polygraph will help here.


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## sadcalifornian

I agree with Eli-zor. Do not make any promise to her. But, since she offers to show remorse and whatever action necessary to make amends, you may as well just take advantage of it by letting her show what she is willing to do. 

The degree of her betrayal has been so deep that I personally wouldn't be able to get over it. But, then again, you are not me. Remember that your kids are not little and you do not need to worry too much about your kids' well-being to force yourself to R. You are not young but you have many many years ahead of you. If this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don't commit to R because of the kids who will stay with you for only several more years till they leave you. 

Like Eli-zor said, you can keep D process going while you see what happens with W and see how your heart reacts to it, and decide the final decision toward the end of the 3rd month. Make sure she understands that you are keeping your options open. Do not be fooled to think the "damage control" as same as genuine "remorse". At this point, it's not just A, but her general character makeup is what you should question as well. Let her do the heavy lifting for a change and let yourself watch how everything unfolds.


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## Shaggy

I would take her up on the polygraph offer and full disclosure. It will hurt, a lot, both of you, but then you will be making decisions with all the facts on the table.

If you R you will know what you decided to forgive, fully.

If you divorce, you will know fully what you decided not to forgive, fully.

Either way you will know, and not spend the rest of your life wondering. I think the wondeing creates things far worse than even the truth, and in her case the truth is already nasty.

Either way think knowing will help you heal by putting a boundary up shored by finally having the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tap1214

LCPA - Please stick with your plan on getting divorce. At this point, she's going to say / or do whatever to get you back.

Remember this when you get weak, this is the SECOND time that she has betrayed your trust and over and over again slept with OM right under your nose, IN YOUR BASEMENT, while you were upstairs sleeping!!!!!! A risk she was willing to take because she doesn't care about YOU or your kids!

And bryanp is right, she has humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way. And only reason why she confessed this time is because you found clear evidence (video) of her and OM in your basement having sex!!! 

Be strong and stick with your plan and when you get weak, watch the video (harsh but it's the reality) and remember why you are getting divorce!! Not to mention, what kindof message are you sending to your boys by taking her back???? They will lose respect for you, that's for sure!!


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## Initfortheduration

LostCPA said:


> Update:
> 
> WW has gotten herself together somewhat. She is back at work and going through the motions of everyday life much like before d-day. She is spending most of her free time at home alone in the guestroom, but she is having dinner with me and the kids most nights. Things are still tense, but getting better by the day. We are still living in the same house until we can work out getting the house sold and moving.
> 
> She came to me yesterday and asked if I was sure that this divorce was what I really wanted. I assured her that I was certain. She proceeded to try to convince me to give things one more try. She even asked what it would take for me to call off everything and try again. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could do that. She said that she didn’t want to divorce and that she wanted to work things out, but she understood where I was at and that she would agree to my offer and not contest the divorce if that’s what I truly wanted.
> 
> She has offered to give me the entire truth including any details I ask for. She even offered to take a polygraph to prove she was telling the truth. It’s amazing how a little humility and remorse can make you question things. She has apologized several times to me and during dinner on Saturday, she apologized to the boys. She told them that she was sorry for what she had done to me and to them and that she was 100% responsible for breaking up our family.
> 
> At this point, I’m not ready to change from the current plan. I plan to move ahead with the divorce. I have about 3 months before things will be finalized so I am willing to listen to her and work with her for the next couple of months and then take one last look at things before everything is finalized.
> 
> I am really kind of confused about what I want to do at this point. There is certainly a part of me that thinks I should push ahead with the polygraph while she is willing and that if I get the whole truth and I see true contrition that I should consider putting things off and giving things another try. It’s hard to walk away from 25 years of your life even when she’s done what she’s done. But, there is another part of me that thinks I should push forward with the divorce and move on because there is no way I will ever get over the horrible images that I have branded into my head.
> 
> *Am I crazy for even leaving the door for reconciliation open just a little bit?*


In a word, yes! Look if you want to really see if reconciliation is worth it. Go through the divorce, and see if she still pursues a relationship with you. I mean you would obviously pick her if you were sure she wouldn't cheat again. The question is if she actually loves you or the security of a second choice you offer. She is the worst kind of serial cheater. You would also then be able to give her a pre nup agreement. If she cheats again she gets nothing. So its up to you. I couldn't, but you may be a stronger then me.


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## sadcalifornian

Well, I have a friend whose W had a LTA. He filed D and she begged for a 2nd chance. They had 1 kid. Even after D, they stayed in the same house for the sake of the kid, and eventually he forgave her and remarried her. It was her absolute remorse after d-day, her not asking for anything in D, and her continuous actions of repentence even after D finally moved his heart. Also, since she hardly got anything out of D settlement, she couldn't even afford living alone, and he knew it and didn't have the heart to kick her out. It was 5 years ago, and they are doing very well together. Not that you should follow this example, but I just wanted to mention such case as a possible outcome, however remote it might be.


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## morituri

LostCPA said:


> But, there is another part of me that thinks I should push forward with the divorce and move on because there is no way I will ever get over the horrible images that I have branded into my head.


This is precisely the reason I divorced my wife despite the fact that I still loved her very much - I also saw real life images of her having sex with the OM.

Your stbxw and my ex-wife are broken women who need individual counseling in order to identify their issues and resolve them.

Your top priority is to YOUR total well being, not only for yourself but for your sons well being as well.


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## aeg512

I think you do have another option rather than D at the present. Ask her how much she would give in on a post nup? If you are willing to give R another try on her request. Advise you tried this once and she was the one that broke it up. Will she be willing to give up rights to everything with no strings attached? Even if you would decide to D down the road because he still could not deal with her betrayal?


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## aug

She had a second chance. She still went and continuously screwed the OM downstairs while her husband slept upstairs.

Now she's asking for a third chance. But, really, nothing has changed.


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## LostCPA

Thanks for all of the input. Here’s how I plan to proceed.

1.Continue with the divorce as planned.

2.In exchange for complete honesty(Including Polygraph) and IC to work on her poor boundaries, poor decision making, and destructive behaviors I will not close the door for a possible reconciliation. That would only happen after divorce was finalized and we would start any new relationship off independently from the current one. I will also work to help her repair her relationships with our children.

The chances of us reconciling are really slim in my mind. However, I would like to see her work through her demons and return to the person she was before all of this happened. As much as I despise her at times, I know we have a lot of graduations, weddings, and maybe grandkids to look forward some day and for the sake of our kids I would like for them to be able to enjoy these occasions without worrying about what will happen between Mom and Dad.

The good news is that I got an offer on my house this week that I am probably going to accept. I think I’ll feel a lot better when I’m out of this house and away from all of its’ bad memories.


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## sadcalifornian

I think you are on the right track and seem to have a healthy mindset thru all this. Kudo to you.

Although the sex with OM took place mostly in the basement, I think the whole house is just a trigger to you at this point. They say for a man, his wife is his home. When wife steps out of M like this, H not only has lost his W but also his home to go to, a place to feel safe and comfortable. 

Whichever direction your life ends up leading you, I am sure you will turn out OK. Keep the faith.


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## Dadof3

sadcalifornian said:


> I think you are on the right track and seem to have a healthy mindset thru all this. Kudo to you.
> 
> Although the sex with OM took place mostly in the basement, I think the whole house is just a trigger to you at this point. They say for a man, *his wife is his home.* When wife steps out of M like this, H not only has lost his W but also his home to go to, a place to feel safe and comfortable.
> 
> Whichever direction your life ends up leading you, I am sure you will turn out OK. _*Keep the faith*_.


sadcalifornian: (no threadjack intended - couldn't help this comment) 

You a Billy Joel fan? Two song themes in one reply!


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## sadcalifornian

Dadof3 said:


> sadcalifornian: (no threadjack intended - couldn't help this comment)
> 
> You a Billy Joel fan? Two song themes in one reply!


Yeah, I used to listen to his songs, but I never thought I was quoting anything from his songs though. Now that you mention it, well.... :scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered

Daof3,

_You May Be Right_, I guess that the whole thing boiled down to _A Matter of Trust_. I suppose with waywards and what they think will really happen is _Sometimes a Fantasy_. Thus, when faced with the reality and life's real _Pressure_s that they will just pretend to be a _ Big Shot_ and lie to us with no _Honesty_ at all, completely destroying the trust of _An Innocent Man_.

_And So it Goes_, thus when I see infidelity like it was in _My Life_, _I Go to Extremes_. That's why my advice is when I see posters telling us their wives had sex with _The Stranger_, I say that she should be _Movin' Out_ and then find the OMW and _Tell Her About It_. After all, _We Didn't Start the Fire_, the wayward wife did.


----------



## Dadof3

Are u surely didn't marry an Uptown Girl to get lost in the Valley of Dreams?


----------



## Dadof3

Almostrecovered said:


> Daof3,
> 
> _You May Be Right_, I guess that the whole thing boiled down to _A Matter of Trust_. I suppose with waywards and what they think will really happen is _Sometimes a Fantasy_. Thus, when faced with the reality and life's real _Pressure_s that they will just pretend to be a _ Big Shot_ and lie to us with no _Honesty_ at all, completely destroying the trust of _An Innocent Man_.
> 
> _And So it Goes_, thus when I see infidelity like it was in _My Life_, _I Go to Extremes_. That's why my advice is when I see posters telling us their wives had sex with _The Stranger_, I say that she should be _Movin' Out_ and then find the OMW and _Tell Her About It_. After all, _We Didn't Start the Fire_, the wayward wife did.


:lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:

I vote this post the most humorous on TAM.

Somehow we missed getting good ole' Captain Jack in there.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Dadof3 said:


> :lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:
> 
> I vote this post the most humorous on TAM.


Well I am The Entertainer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

LostCPA said:


> I will not close the door for a possible reconciliation. That would only happen after divorce was finalized and we would start any new relationship off independently from the current one. I will also work to help her repair her relationships with our children.


I have a friend who cheated on his wife and she divorced him. They stayed in contact because of the children and after a bit of time began dating again. A few years later they remarried much to the delight of their children.

They now have a much better marriage then the first time. They seem to appreciate what they have with each other much more than before. What is important is that she earned his respect by divorcing him. Their new marriage is based on respect for each other and the marriage.


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## F-102

She was always a woman to him, but now the stranger kicked him right between the eyes!


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## LostCPA

I’m not sure what to think.

WW did her polygraph this week. I told her that I wouldn’t make her any promises about reconciliation and that I was still leaning towards following through with the divorce no matter what. She still wanted to do the test. She said that since we were headed to divorce anyway, that she wanted to get the truth out there and start over from scratch wherever that may lead.

I gave her my list of questions on Saturday and told her that I was tired of digging for the truth and that I would be much more understanding of what was discovered if she told me the WHOLE truth before we got to the test on Tuesday. She sat down with me on Monday evening and basically told me I had been living a lie for the past 7 years.

There were a total of 4 affairs that lasted from 6 months to a year over the past 7 years. Two were guys she worked with, one was with a family friend, and the latest was with our neighbor. The first 3 have all moved away over the years, but number 4 still lives in town although not next door since his wife kicked him out.

I basically told her that I was still going through with the divorce, but that I did appreciate the honesty(her confession did prove true as verified by the polygraph). She has decided to start IC and try to find out why she has done what she has done. At this point, I can’t ever imagine being with her again, but I do want to help her recover so that she can be the mother my kids need. 

My emotions are all over the place. I am angry about her betrayal, but at the same time I’m relieved because all the problems of the past few years make sense now. I am also angry at myself for being such an idiot to have these affairs going on right under my nose. 

Take my advice, if something seems wrong it probably is. Don’t push your marital problems under the rug or just hope things will eventually get better. Engage the problem and get to the truth before it’s too late and don’t spend years living a lie like I have done.


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## Unsure in Seattle

Wow. Just incredible.

I'm so sorry, CPA. I realize things were probably over anyway... but just wow.


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## Almostrecovered

LostCPA said:


> I can’t ever imagine being with her again, but I do want to help her recover so that she can be the mother my kids need.


this a very good way to approach this


your wife is a serial cheater/compulsive liar and will never get better by herself. This will take years of therapy and hard work on her end to get real change.


and please don't feel foolish, she was a master of lying all of her life


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## LostCPA

This actually explained a lot. I now know how she could be so callous as to do this in my home with me there. 7 years of this would certainly desensitize you to what you were doing.


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## Shaggy

I would go through with the divorce too at this point.

Maybe give it sometime for you to internalize the truth that you finally know. 

If you decide you want to try again if she goes though IC, I could maybe see letting her live in the house with you, but I would never marry her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian

LostCPA said:


> This actually explained a lot. I now know how she could be so callous as to do this in my home with me there. 7 years of this would certainly desensitize you to what you were doing.


Yes, we talked about this possibility. Still just Fxxxxxg unbelievable!


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## CH

7 years and 4 different guys, wow. I don't even know how anyone could overcome this.

So now she's willing to tell the truth because she's gonna lose her security blanket. Whatever you decide I hope the best for you LCPA.

I only cheated with 1 person and in my heart to this day I feel that my wife should have moved on and found someone better for her. Not saying I'm not happy to be with her but she deserved better than me.


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## LostCPA

At this point, I just feel dirty that I was still sleeping with her while unknowingly sharing her with 4 different guys.

Knowing the truth surely helps with my resolve to just move on.


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## morituri

LCPA,

I wonder if your STBXWW is like RWB's FWW in that she began associating with other cheating wives before she started having affairs. Did she say anything to you regarding with whom she started hanging out just before she started having affairs?


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## LostCPA

morituri said:


> LCPA,
> 
> I wonder if your STBXWW is like RWB's FWW in that she began associating with other cheating wives before she started having affairs. Did she say anything to you regarding with whom she started hanging out just before she started having affairs?



The only thing that really happened prior to the affairs was her going back to work. Most of the ladies in the office were single at that time though most have married since. She was barely out of college when we married, so I don’t know if being around all these single women and hearing them talk about dating made her think she missed out on something by marrying so young or not. She was a virgin when we met although I was not. 

But, I can’t believe that all of this can be chalked up to curiosity or missing the young, single life. Something more significant had to have happened to make her throw her morals aside and to do something that was so contrary to everything she once believed in. 

Who knows? I can’t really wrap my brain around it yet. That’s something she’s just going to have to work out in counseling.


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## newlife94

I am ending my false recovery right now. I have tried for months to hold it together....for our 15 yr M and our 3 kids. BUT I realized that he is still in the fog, has no intention of ending communication with the other woman(women!!...I have found more than one name) so I decided enough was enough. He had been telling me loud and clear what his intentions were and I did not hear it because I truly wanted to believe we could work it out. Now this is complicated by the fact that he is still deployed. But he could still focus on his family, comunicate with his kids and show his loving side. Instead he is still "girl crazy" over there (his co-workers are disgusted that he is seeking attention from girls 10 yrs younger than him), he gets angry with me for every little thing, tells me he resents me for making him lose sleep. WTF. So now I do not answer the phone because I do not want to be the cause of him losing sleep and give him another reason to be upset. I am giving him what he wants....his freedom. Ultimately when I cut the rope I felt free, I think he will ultimately feel lost. 
I think of it like this- for about 9 months I have been trying to pull him back up from jumping off a cliff. The rope is tied around my waist and he is dangling off the edge. All this time I have been strong enough to keep him from falling, but he has worn me down and actually made me realize that all this time I have been standing on the edge, wasting my life and almost falling over myself!!! Sadly I had to cut the rope and let him go, my boys deserved for one of us to walk away from the cliff- sadly I have been the only one strong enough to see this for what it is and make the hard choice.

I am no longer an option for him- he has at least 3 little 20 somethings to choose from.....if they want someone like him. I do not want that for me and my boys need to see me stand up for what is right.


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## CH

newlife94 said:


> I think of it like this- for about 9 months I have been trying to pull him back up from jumping off a cliff. The rope is tied around my waist and he is dangling off the edge. All this time I have been strong enough to keep him from falling, but he has worn me down and actually made me realize that all this time I have been standing on the edge, wasting my life and almost falling over myself!!! Sadly I had to cut the rope and let him go, my boys deserved for one of us to walk away from the cliff- sadly I have been the only one strong enough to see this for what it is and make the hard choice.
> 
> *I am no longer an option for him- he has at least 3 little 20 somethings to choose from.....if they want someone like him. I do not want that for me and my boys need to see me stand up for what is right*.


:smthumbup: And great analogy btw.


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## the guy

LCPA,
Just wanted to chime in, its been a tough few weeks, with my new project, but I wanted to say that, in my sitch if you know my story (13 years of lies and 20 OM) your 7 years of lies and 4 OM is still rough.
I feel for you in the fact that this all went on under our noses, but please keep in mind, we are good men with good intentions, the furthest thing from out minds is the evil that the ones we love do.

Call it deniel, call it what ever, but do not let her actions define who you want to be now. This is all on her and what our wifes did to us should never reflect the men that we now are.

We are not idiots or fools....we are good men that believe in good thing and good people, it is are wives that are the idiots and fools to risk so much for so little with the sure fact that one day they will get caught by us.

Its always a matter of time, and in my case I choose to look away longer then you may have. Yes there is something to be said about me "looking away" but the important thing is I pulled my head out of the sand and took the very hard action to correct my life.

So please look at your case as a mtter of taking action in the *now*, not what you could have done sooner years ago...I guess they call that "hind sight is twenty twenty.

Stop being hard on your self for the past, but be hard on your self for the future and work on making things better for you, not what you could have done or what has happen to you in the past....We all need to move forward with the thought of better things to come.
With or with out out wives.


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## morituri

LCPA,

As RWB and T_G have told you, don't judge yourself for something you had no control over and no way to suspect that it was happening. Our wives are broken human beings, so much that they were having affairs to self-medicate like alcoholics or drug addicts often do.

No one and I repeat, no one wants to believe that the person he/she has trusted most in this world, is capable of inflicting one of the worst devastating blows a person can ever experienced in his/her life.

Though you may not want to jump into another committed relationship so soon after you divorce from your stbxw - always a wise choice - you will be in a much better position of finding someone who will be psychologically healthy. Contrast that with your stbxw who will need perhaps years of psychological therapy in order to become healthy enough where she can be in another committed relationship.

Although you may not feel like it, you are the winner while your stbxw is the greatest loser.


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## newlife94

morituri said:


> LCPA,
> 
> As RWB and T_G have told you, don't judge yourself for something you had no control over and no way to suspect that it was happening. Our wives are broken human beings, so much that they were having affairs to self-medicate like alcoholics or drug addicts often do.
> 
> No one and I repeat, no one wants to believe that the person he/she has trusted most in this world, is capable of inflicting one of the worst devastating blows a person can ever experienced in his/her life.
> 
> Though you may not want to jump into another committed relationship so soon after you divorce from your stbxw - always a wise choice - you will be in a much better position of finding someone who will be psychologically healthy. Contrast that with your stbxw who will need perhaps years of psychological therapy in order to become healthy enough where she can be in another committed relationship.
> 
> Although you may not feel like it, you are the winner while your stbxw is the greatest loser.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I have been feeling shame, embarrassment, fear, guilt (don't know why except that he gaslighted me enough!), sadness and all this time he was prancing around like a 16 year old. It is the WS that feels so much "freedom" and some new energy for life. I still do not competely understand it but having this forum has helped me so much and hearing all the stories of hope- both for R and those who D and move on to happy relationships. After I exposed the A and stopped covering for him (which was enabling him, only I did not see it that way at first).... I released that shame, fear and all of the negative feelings he had convinced me I deserved to feel. It is amazing how great I feel right now and although the future is still a bit up in the air, I am not scared and certainly not giving up on love. I know that he is the broken one for sure and will never be fulfilled- that is only his foggy world and it is temporary.
You will find happiness with another woman and she will be true to you and now that all of us in one way or another have been awakened to this A world- we are all wiser and better for it.


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## MrQuatto

any updates Lost?


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## Chaparral

Bump, everyone needs to read what happens when you trust but don't verify.


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## the guy

Ya, sometimes these old thread need ....must be resurrected.

There clasisic with an important lesson for the newbie.


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## Doc Who

Protect, partially trust, and always verify.

Addicted people will sell their kids for a fix.

Sorry you got caught in her spiral into hell.


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## Adex

After reading this whole thread, something tells me LostCPA reconciled with his wife. That's why there were no more updates of going through with the divorce.


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## AlphaHalf

To each their own. That women is poison. But its a poison he acquired a taste for. Good luck.


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## Jonesey

Damn.I cant for my life get over ,how evil she was/is


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## tonyarz

off topic. Watch out for that Ambien. My doctor gave it to me because I have sleep apnea and a pacemaker. I took it one night and my wife asked me to go and get a pizza. She didn't know I took it. So when I go to get the pizza, the guy drops it on the floor when he was taking it out of the oven so they had to make a new one. By then the ambien kicked in and I was blacked out. I tried to drive home, but ended up going the wrong way on a busy street and got into an accident. To make a long story short. I was charged with a DUI over a year later. They drew my blood while I was out at the hospital. They said I agreed to it, but I was blacked out.


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## cledus_snow

i just don't see how you take this woman back. 

not only did she cheat on you, but she had the audacity to [email protected]# this man in your home, while you _and_ your children slept upstairs-- WOW! that's some sick sh!t, right there.

you catch her the first time, yet she goes and does this!


_now_ you find out how deep the hole really goes(no pun intended); 4 guys in a 7 year span. are you freakin' kidding me?! 

dude..... 


btw- i'd tell that "family friend" the jig is up. you know EVERYTHING. 

furthermore, if you know his wife you need to tell her of the inappropriate contact her husband has had with your wife. she deserves to know.


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## Almostrecovered

May want to read the whole thread there Cledus


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## LostCPA

I have posted updates on other threads and I am still around occasionally. For those wondering, I am happily divorced now. Divorce has been final for about 6 months, and life is good. I am dating some (nothing serious), my kids have adjusted well, and even my xWW is doing better and getting the help she needs. My kids are older, so I really don’t have to deal with child exchange issues so I don’t have any need to see the ex at all. I do run into her at the kid’s activities and a couple of times a month we will even go out to dinner together with the kids after whatever event we met at. 

I did leave the door open to a possible future post-divorce reconciliation in exchange for her total honesty and getting the help she needed. She has done great on both of those fronts, but while I can’t say with 100% certainty, I don’t think we will ever reconcile. She’s been working through a lot of her issues and every time I see her she’s more and more like the person I married many years ago. But, I don’t think I will ever truly trust her again. I have worked on myself and I have finally come to a place where I can say that I have totally forgiven her. That doesn’t mean that I have any desire to jump back on the marriage roller coaster with her again. 

I’m not around here much anymore. I have a busy life and too many other things that require my attention. But, there were people here to help me in my time of need and I feel a certain responsibility to pay that forward to others when I can. So, I will occasionally jump on the board and try to offer what help I can.

I hope this helps for those wondering about how things turned out.


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## Doc Who

Good to hear you are healing


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## loveisforever

By divorcing her and by only divorcing her, you are actually helping her big time by shocking her to reality and give her enough time for retrospection. False R not only waste your time, but also allow her to continue her indecent path. 

Had you catch her earlier, her path of life would be better. But again, she did not ask for help and chose to hide from you. It is her lose.

Please update us when you get a new marriage, either with her or another girl. But if you chose to live with her, I do recommend without marriage certificate. It is her price to pay. It also reflex the fact that although you can forgive her past, but you can not restore the trust you lost in her for the future. Once the trust was gone, it is gone. This is a lesson for us all.


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## larry.gray

Hmm, yet another story of a wife who chose not to play around before marriage and then regrets it later.

I suspect this is exactly what WW would do if not caught and exposed - keep doing it for years and going from man to man.


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