# I need advice, I can't post yet in the folder I'd like to



## Jess Ming (Mar 21, 2019)

A little bit of context:
Together with a group of friends and friends of friends, we decided to go on a trip together abroad. There were mainly couples, only I and one of my other friend (a girl) were singles. In that trip I met my current husband and we are happily married for 4 years now, and have been blessed with a lovely baby soon to be 1 yr old. 

Back then my husband was in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months. There were seeing each other on and off in order to solve eachother needs.

It was mostly a "friends-with- benefits" relationship. After we came back from the trip, they agreed on taking on separate ways and soon after he asked me out, and therefore we ended up to marry one another.

One of the girls from the other couples, which back at in that time was my husband's best friend, didn't quite agree with his decision. She liked the other girl more, and ALL THE TIME when she was meeting with my husband, out of pure coincidence his ex would join their meeting.

That happened many times, it didn't matter if it was just for a coffee, or clubbing, she would find a way to bring them together. Most of these meetings would have happened when I was out of town or country due to work.

Not to mention that she was basically trying to put fights against me and my girl friends, on reasons that didn't exist, just because this is her style. You would say that I might have done something to her, but believe me, I never did, I hate conflicts and tensions and I prefer peace rather than to fight for my pride.

Luckily we have moved abroad after a year of relationship, and we have never been happier. My sister in law (my husband's brother girlfriend) she is also very good friends with my husband's ex.

Now here it comes. After 6 years of living abroad, my husband's best friend reached out to him that she'd like to visit us, plus the country where we live in now, together with her husband and her baby. 

Of course he couldn't say no. I heard a rumour in our group of friends, that my sister in law is going to have a guest soon, and guess who that might be - my husband's ex. It is a coincidence that most likely she is going to come when my husband's best friend is visiting us?

If this happens, I really don't know how to manage the situation. Like even here this woman is trying to create some circus and ****ty situations for her own entertainment? What would you do if you were me? 

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against my husband's ex, because in the end she didn't do anything. On the contrary, she was kinda left for someone else... 

But it really irritates me this whole orchestration, when in the end I don't know what she'd like to achieve. I am in a really good place with my husband and at least at this point I know he's not interested in anybody else and he values family very much. 

But is soooooo annoying when some people want to grab a pop corn and watch the show the create.

I really don't know how to cope with her intentions and plans.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Take your husband aside and tell him your feelings. Tell him you are aware of her obvious intentions. Now that his EXGF has married, this makes it much worse. There are two families at risk. 

He too sounds like the ultimate nice person who is conflict avoidant. 
He does not want to stand up to these toxic family members and friends. 
He needs to set boundaries.

I believe you feel some guilt over the fact that you 'took' her BF away from her. 
In your opening post you tried to play that aspect down, ie, they were 'only FWB's.

While that may have been true for your, now, husband, she likely did not feel the same way. 

She was emotionally invested in him. He was less, this.

And I believe she is stil trying to drive a wedge between you two as payback.

The EXGF sounds like one who never forgets a slight and ever has some revenge in mind.
She likely still has feelings for your man.

You need to distance yourself from these folks, at least most of them. 
And, of course, so does your husband.

If he cannot do this due to shyness or weakness, then he needs to kiss you and hug you all the time when these bozos are lurking and plotting about.





[The Helmsman]- Lilith


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Take everything you just said.....and say it to your husband. 

You absolutely have the right to say NO to any "visits" that make you uncomfortable.

There isn't anything wrong with personnel boundaries on things that make you uncomfortable with your relationships.


Like I said .... Have this exact conversation with your husband.


----------



## Popsicle2 (Mar 20, 2019)

Hi, and so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’ve articulated your feelings very well in your post. I think you should share them with your husband. You absolutely shouldn’t be forced into these odd visits! The friend of your husband who is trying to get him and this ex together after your marriage, knowing full well it will be an uncomfortable situation, doesn’t sound like a true friend at all. I hope things get better for you soon.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just say NO! Or even HELL, NO!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Just say NO! Or even HELL, NO!



or even HHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO !


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Agree, voice your concerns to your husband, and the two of you dont see the ex while she is in town. Period. If he fights you on this, then there are other questions/issues that need to be addressed. And if the best friend still tries to shove his ex into your relationship, then best friend needs to become EX best friend.. that isnt being a friend, not at all.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Jess Ming said:


> A little bit of context:
> 
> Now here it comes. After 6 years of living abroad, my husband's best friend reached out to him that she'd like to visit us, plus the country where we live in now, together with her husband and her baby.
> 
> Of course he couldn't say no. I heard a rumour in our group of friends, that my sister in law is going to have a guest soon, and guess who that might be - my husband's ex. *It is a coincidence that most likely she is going to come when my husband's best friend is visiting us?*


I seriously doubt it. It sounds to me like your H's ex still has designs on him. If this trip was the only thing and the BF and H's EX were tight, it might be coincidence - an opportunity to travel abroad. But when you add it up with all the other times - H's friend would not have been ABLE to bring the two of them together time and again without the consent and cooperation of his EX. 

Think if the tables were turned, you have a casual BF. You break up. He gets a serious GF, then wife. Unless you still pine for him, are you going to have any interest in showing up where you know he'll be? If you really do like and respect him wouldn't you step back just to not become a problem in his new relationship?

Many wives would simply say "No. You're not seeing your ex. Period." Given your conflict avoidant nature I assume you don't want to do that, so here is my advice:

1. Tell your husband how you feel. If things are good with you two, you should be able to do this and he should understand. Your feelings are completely understandable, even less extreme than most people's would be. 

2. Ask your husband to never go hang out with these people without you, if there is ANY chance his Ex will be there. (And it sounds like there's a very good chance she will be there if she can.)

3. If you two, as a couple, go hang out with these people, ask your husband in advance to be sensitive to your feelings and not go off alone with her for any private conversations, stick by your side, and make a big show of how close you two are with lots of PDA. If your husband says he doesn't want to make the EX feel bad by hugging and kissing on you in front of her, point out to him that the ONLY way that would make her feel ANYTHING is if she still has a thing for him. And if she does, that is all the more reason to make it clear you two are a loving, committed couple.

Good luck, and just remember, she does live a continent away, once this ridiculous visit is over she'll be gone again.

Also, I may be getting paranoid here, but I'd ask your H if he still has any contact with her. If he says yes, I'd ask him to stop that or include you in everything. 

For example, my ex-H and I once met this really friendly, interesting, extremely pretty young girl while traveling to a sports event. She worked in sports and started emailing my ex-H information about things and would come sit by us in our great seats at games. Whenever he replied to her he would CC me. I wasn't worried about her in any way but he didn't want to create any wrong impression for either of us.

Also, I had stayed in touch with my first BF on and off over the years. One time I was in his town for business so I looked him up. He was married with a child on the way. We were all going to get together but then he told me that his wife wasn't comfortable with him being in contact with an old GF. I said "I understand, I wish you all the best." and we never spoke again. This is done all the time in marriages -- you put your spouse FIRST and PROTECT your marriage.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Also, I had stayed in touch with my first BF on and off over the years. One time I was in his town for business so I looked him up. He was married with a child on the way. We were all going to get together but then he told me that his wife wasn't comfortable with him being in contact with an old GF. I said "I understand, I wish you all the best." and we never spoke again. T*his is done all the time in marriages -- you put your spouse FIRST and PROTECT your marriage.*


This is as it should be! I am constantly amazed at HOW FEW people seem to get this!


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I don't know but it sounds like your husband is a bit wishy washy about this past relationship. 
HE should not have even considered this as a good idea. 
He should have said NO.
Where's his head at?

I think he wants to hit that FWB one more time.....


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On exes....

You have touched them in every way imaginable.
Your lips have left a permanent mark on them.
You can smell them in your sleep.

You can remember how they looked totally nude in bed when the covers were pulled off of them.
You remember how they looked coming out of the shower.

While you may no longer be physically close to them and their body, that image has forever burned a place in your memory, maybe, at one time in your heart.

You know their strengths, but mostly their weaknesses, it was their weaknesses that made them an X, not an 'A' player in your life.

You can never leave an X. 
They never left your mind.

For this reason it is better to never see them again. 
If you or they still have lingering feelings for the other, it is a cruel and torturous thing to see them standing before you or you before them.
Especially if the loved one seems happy and they have that nice smile that they can never forgot. 

Your mind will never forget.
Your mind will never permit it, it cannot.

Distance separates bodies, love knows no distance.
Hate is merely dark love.





[The Helmsman]- Nemesis


----------

