# Not sure what to do is this cheating?



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> Hi everyone, this is a very long story but I will try and keep it short.
> I have been with my partner for close to 20 years with a 2 year seperation when our child was 1. Two children 17 and 7
> 
> I came home unexpected earlier this year to find my partner talking to a women young(19?) online. He closed everything down very quickly. When I asked him about it he said it was a social outlet. He kept it from me as he knew I was the type of person that would have a problem with it.
> (He had told me a month or so before that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and felt it was time to start a new life. He felt that he didn't have any women friends and was craving talking to women.)


I didn't need to read any farther than that. Yes, it is cheating.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Cheating, he is addicted to it he will never stop unless he gets help.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cha-Ching!

Cheating!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> Thanks for your quick responses. I have done what is suggested on other posts on here, key logging etc. From the time that I have been doing this I have discovered that he only chats to women doesn't matter their age etc and the conversation is one that you would have with any new person. Except the time I was away and he had sex online and I believe Skyped.
> 
> I have found that he is totally honest with them about who he is, he has a family he shows his face where they dont disclose much about themselves but he asks. The camera points into our whole lounge room but he refuses to talk about our relationship with them even though they ask. He has said that is rocky. It makes me angry that he is an open book to them apart from talking about our relationship with them when most people on there hide their faces and give little away...
> 
> ...


Having an innocent dinner with a male colleague is hardly the equivalent of masturbating with another female online. Your WH needs to feel your wrath and is using your dinner as a weapon to do what he likes. 
Ask him to go for IC
If he is not prepared to repair the marriage ask for a seperation.
The problem appears to be your disconnect due to travelling and work. It is very hard to maintain a good marriage, never mind one where there is distrust and resentment.
You both need counselling and perhaps MC . However, if he has told you he doesn't care for you, believe him and follow through. Do the 180, seek a lawyer and move on.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Does it matter if it's "cheating"? Do you want to be with a guy who constant rubs one out while chatting with young girls online?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband was already cheating on you when you gave him the out of actually, you know, being in the same dining room as another man.

He might be cheating on you physically, too.

Get tested for STDs and HIV. Just in case.

And see a lawyer to discuss your options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

m.t.t,

Your spouse is following the cheater script, by that I mean he is minimising - Quote - 
1. I asked him if he ever had showed himself naked on there and he said yes on occasion when he got turned on. But he mainly just finds people to talk to.
2. He said that she was someone from ages ago that he met in that chat site and he was helping her improve her English and it was easier to Skype
3. Promised not to use the site anymore, he said it doesn't mean much to him, it's unsatisfying and I'm not asking him much but he said the sight was a bit like gambling it was weird and he isn't really sure why he uses it.


Blame Shifting - Quote -
1. he was angry about a dinner whilst I was away on business
2. he gets angry and says that he has nothing to feel bad about as he just didn't care anymore.

He's looking for self validation for his own bad behaviour because he knows it's wrong, cheaters have a superb ability to re write history and make it seem that they isn't doing a bad thing. 

Nothing about his conversations with strangers is ok or acceptable in a relationship or marriage, a good relationship has clearly defined and firm boundaries and this fella is far far far over the ok mark.
In my honest opinion I'd say he has dating profiles, is likely on sites like tinder and such, I'd even hazard a guess he may even have a burner phone for activity you don't know about.

Get in to super sleuth mode, don't give him any idea what you're up to.
We can give you more advice on what you should be doing to investigate him covertly if you wish, first stop would be to investigate all your joint bank accounts.

Good work on the keylogger BTW.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> I told he that it kills me inside and that *if he uses it again I will leave him.
> *
> He didn't use the site for months but *he stated using it again out of the blue 6 weeks ago*. He has no idea that I know but I'm so hurt and angry.



This man you describe is an @ss hat and will not stop cheating. You deserve better. Keep your promise to him.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Yes it's cheating.

But can I ask you something? Is there a reason you are not married to this man you've been with for 20 years and had two children with?

You seem to be away on business a lot. Are you the primary bread-winner?

Who takes care of the kids when you're away?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think he believes something else went on, that it just wasn't a dinner date. If he has read stories on line about spouses cheating while on business trips, this could be why he has lost feelings for you and thinks it is alright to do what he is doing. 

Did this behavior start before or after the business trip you had dinner with the colleague?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

This is definitely cheating. He is sharing an intimate part of him with other women; a part that is only meant for you. Even if you do not consider this an affair, he is definitely looking for one, and with how often you seem to be away and busy with work, he has ample opportunity. It may seem like "innocent" (very very arguably) online chatting now that won't lead to much else, but all affairs start as small things just like most relationships do.

Since you told him next time it's over, if you confront him you have to keep your word. Otherwise he will treat you like a push over and not take you seriously.

If you don't tell him, you have to determine if this is something you can live with, even when the outcome becomes a full blown affair. I can guarantee you even if you think you can turn a blind eye, you will grow to resent him and the relationship will break down over time on its own. You will end up alone and older, more time wasted.

So in my opinion you are better off to confront and leave (actually make HIM leave). Confront with evidence. Leaving doesn't mean that you two will never end up reconciling down the road but it will give you an opportunity to clear your head and decide what is best for you and your children without his influence.

Can I ask why you separated when your child was 1? Was it another affair or interest in women?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> He didn't use the site for months but he stated using it again out of the blue 6 weeks ago. He has no idea that I know but I'm so hurt and angry.
> 
> m.t.t


well, at least he is trying. I would view this more like an addiction, kind of like being alcoholic. Just one drink and the alcoholic falls off the wagon. 

So you have to have him start all over again, almost from square one. Point out how this hurts you. Point out that is makes you feel unloved and unsexy. point out how you are available for anythng he wants to try. 

I would NOT let him know that you can see his activity.

When you are traveling on business, do you skype with him every night??? he needs to see your face every night to remind him that he is yours alone.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

lisamaree said:


> Can I ask why you separated when your child was 1? Was it another affair or interest in women?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> m.t.t said:
> 
> 
> > .


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> People have inviteed him out etc. work people but he doesn't seem to be able to keep the social side of things going. He never goes out, ever. He has no real friends no texting buddies, no bar buddies no one to call on etc. it's just work and home. It's up to me to organise social events and I'm not good at this either. I know that he is deeply lonley. He hates talking about cars and sports the usual men stuff.


Yet he has no problem talking to a 19 year old kid about sex and jerking off for her on camera. Repulsive.



> I love this man deeply, I want him to be happy. I'm very hurt that he is going behind my back. It hurts to know that I leave the house and he jumps online and I come home and he is hey! It's the deception it sickens me.


Years ago, he showed you *EXACTLY* who he was - the type of *low life* who had NO problem deserting you and his own child for some POA at work he was screwing around with. That's who he *IS*.



> I'm hoping that now we have come together more he won't turn to the chat site. If he pulls out his member I will end it then and there. It's the innocent talking that he does that I'm not clear on I suppose.


I'm not sure who you're trying to convince about 'ending' it because you actually took him back years ago after he pulled that crap with his co-worker, and now you *continually* find him acting like a mouth breather with teenage girls and anyone else who'll waste their time online with this pervert, and you still stay with him 'hoping for the best.' So why would the NEXT time be _any_ different than all the other times you've buried your head in the sand?

He knows you're not going anywhere because he's continually disrespected you and devalued you for *years* - and you've stayed with him over and over and over.

This wasn't meant to be intentionally harsh, but you laid this out here so I'm commenting on what you've posted. And all I see in this thread is a woman who has continually disrespected *herself* over and and over, and has somehow managed to find a way to settle for some jerk who should have been booted out the door YEARS ago.

Quite honestly, it seems like the only codependent one here is you. He's just enjoying the fact that he gets to have his family AND basically do whatever he wants on the side, so he's getting the best of both worlds. Nothing codependent about _that_. Selfish and self entitled? Hell yes. But codependent? Nope.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yet he has no problem talking to a 19 year old kid about sex and jerking off for her on camera. Repulsive.
> 
> 
> Years ago, he showed you *EXACTLY* who he was - the type of *low life* who had NO problem deserting you and his own child for some POA at work he was screwing around with. That's who he *IS*.
> ...


Thankyou. Harsh words maybe, but honesty is what I needed. I cried, but somehow now I am emotionally set free from this tangle of doubt.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

*Re: Not sure what to do is this cheating? UPDATE!*

Hi,

Sorry I deleted my original question out of fear of getting found out discussing this issue. But with the quotes you get the idea.
I just wanted to thank you all for giving your advice.

I did kick him out after he went back to using the chat roulete like site, I do go away for work over a weekend maybe 3 times a year and he went back on the site. This time he was on it for 3 hours all up for a few hours in the morning and then in the afternoon. He used it to expose himself on both occasions and talk with the woman asking if they wanted to show him their breasts. 

What I also saw thanks to the logging software was a screen shot of him talking to a very young girlabout 11. He was clothed and so was she but she was on an adult chat site. They exchanged names and she asked him a question about body tattoos and told him she had some. He said show me as he told her she looked too young to have them. I saw the conversations when I was away but I had to wait until I got back to see the screen shots. You have no idea of the outrage I felt.

I asked him the next day if he used the site and yes he looked me square in the eye and said yes! I was on there for 20 mins while I ate my lunch and I talked to a man learning English from Spain. I said did you keep your pants on and he hit the roof and told me that I had issues and this is why we don't work, you are ****ed in he head. I then brought out the screen shots. I was done. I reported it to the sexual crime squad police and spoke to a psychologist. They told me his behaviour with this girl was borderline technically he didnt do anything illegal but it's really suspect behaviour. I have never seen any evidence of underage girls ever before only 19+

They know the site and how it works, I tried to get the girl some help but the site makes it untraceable. The sexual crime squad believe that he just showed a lack of judgment talking to her. I have no evidence of anything but that. 

I questioned him hard on WTF!? I said any normal adult would have told he to get off the site it's for adults only and protected her! His response was that she wasnt his responsibility. He can't control who is on the site. This is just one of the attitudes that floors me about this man. He has technically done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law but ....

I feel anxiety that he is moving his stuff out but it's a hell of a sight beter than feeling it every day because he is here. I have niced him out the door, the only way I could get him to leave, I have a great lawyer and I will never be anything more than business with the children with this man again.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Not sure what to do is this cheating? UPDATE!*

Gross!!!! He is a sick perv. NEVER let him back in your life.



m.t.t said:


> Hi,
> 
> Sorry I deleted my original question out of fear of getting found out discussing this issue. But with the quotes you get the idea.
> I just wanted to thank you all for giving your advice.
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Good for you m.t.t, how are you holding up? This man has taken away many of your years, now live for yourself and your kids. How are your kids taking it. I am sure the 17 yr old has some inkling as to the man?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

aine said:


> Good for you m.t.t , how are you holding up? This man has taken away many of your years, now live for yourself and your kids. How are your kids taking it. I am sure the 17 yr old has some inkling as to the man?


Our son thinks his dad is an idiot but he doesnt dislike him... he doesn't know about the online stuff...

I was doing really well until the first overnight for our daughter this week. I missed her so much but there is now an uncomfortable feeling about her being there, I don't think my ex is mentally well. 

I stupidly went inside his new place so I could show our daughter that it was ok to be there and to support her but as soon as i saw his desk and computer i felt like vomiting. I feel tramatized by this whole online chatroom thing. But the most annoying thing is I feel so connected to this man still, like i want to help him. Im still turning over conversations in my head during the night. What is wrong with me 

he is still using that same site even though its what lost him his family.


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