# Why is it okay for my wife to spend money, but not me?



## qbert

It's getting ridiculous. My wife has 'cravings' all the time and 'has to have' a wrap, or donuts, or pizza, etc. Each time it adds up over $10 and it's nearly everyday (though she does have breaks for a week or two). But during that time, I'm stressed the whole time about nickel and diming ourselves.

Eventually, though, I see the money going out, and decide to join in a little. She gets stuff every day. So, I get myself an energy drink (I literally sleep an hour or two every night and need to work from home and stay awake). I get the cheap kinds, usually 2 for $3.

So, about a day ago, she stopped asking for food because she wants to get back in shape. I spent $3 on energy drinks, and $2 on a snack at the gas station.

She gets into our bank account and starts telling me I'M nickel and diming us. We got into an argument because I think this is totally unfair. I get her whatever she wants (if I were to ever confront her about the spending I become the bad guy and she gets freaked out because she thinks we're broke).

Am I wrong here? I mean, it isn't right for either of us to keep buying little things every day, and I DON'T most of the time, but she gets whatever she wants. I drive sometimes 30 minutes to get her a certain kind of food that she's 'craving' (usually $10-20) and I get in trouble for spending $3 on energy drinks. She says why isn't coffee good enough. I HATE coffee, but still, most of the time that's what I drink because its cheap.

But when I've been up for days at a time, why shouldn't I be allowed to get an energy drink?

And she also says that since I OFFER to get her food that THAT is why she's okay for accepting the offer (even though she says how much she's craving something and I try to make her happy, because if I said no, we don't have enough money, she would get upset).

So, I should only get something for myself if SHE offers? It's not okay for ME to crave something?

UGH!

Sorry, really needed to vent about that. What do YOU think?


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## qbert

You know what, this goes for a lot of things like this.

She can eat whatever she wants in the house and I would never say anything. If I eat too much peanut butter or something, then she gives me a really hard time about it.

She leaves stuff all over (though she does pick up after herself and me, but so do I!), but if I leave the can opener on the counter, she gets on me about it. I pick up after her all the time, too, who cares?! That's what a family does.

But, I mean, she's a really sweet woman, too, and I love her very much. 90% of the time she's great, it's just things like this that come up at least once a day and grate on my nerves.

It seems like she's being selfish without realizing it, but if I EVER say something like that, or tell her she's being unfair, she calls me a jerk!

I love her, just need to vent and get some outside opinions. I don't want to come off like she's all bad and I'm all good, either.


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## swedish

Have you thought about having an allowance for each of you that you can use as you like?


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## qbert

Thats a great thought. I'd be all for it, because I like structure, but she DOES NOT! So, I'm guessing she would hate the idea. She's got issues about "rules."


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## CaliRN

I thought I was alittle on the thight side, but *****ing about ten dollars a day is extreme. Does she work? Wait it doesn't matter if she does or doesn't. Losen up ur going have a heartattack over 10 dollars


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## qbert

I think you misunderstood. I'm absolutely fine with her getting whatever she wants. I never say a thing. I USED to be really tight with money like that when I was single. I grew up REALLY poor, so $10 a day still seems like a lot of money to me. But, I let her spend whatever she wants! The only reason I had a problem with this is because she gets on ME about what I spend and I spend next to nothing and let her spend a bunch!


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## Affaircare

Here is my thought qbert: 

Since yesterday you've posted 17 times, all but one of them pretty much a complaint against your wife. Your thread titles are: 

*Why is it okay for my wife to spend money, but not me?
My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!
My wife thinks I talk too much...
Please help! Wife's depression (her mother committed suicide)
My wife masturbates when I'm not around - Accuses ME of masturbating!*

I am not dead positive your wife is the one with the issues here. We are not here to referee your marriage so you can go back to your wife and say "SEE!? Everyone agrees with ME!" If you want to spend money, spend it. If you want to talk, talk. If you want to masturbate, do it. But I think maybe it's time for you to consider that at least some of these issues in your relationship are a direction result of you, your actions, your choices, and how you treat your wife. I have yet to see very much understanding or self-lessness in most of your posts. Soooo...what are you willing to do to change yourself (NOT HER) in order to have a better marriage?


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## turnera

qbert said:


> Thats a great thought. I'd be all for it, because I like structure, but she DOES NOT! So, I'm guessing she would hate the idea. She's got issues about "rules."


Uh..duh...
*SO WHAT?!*

A marriage means sitting down and AGREEING on rules that you BOTH follow. It's that simple.


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## qbert

Affaircare said:


> Here is my thought qbert:
> 
> Since yesterday you've posted 17 times, all but one of them pretty much a complaint against your wife. Your thread titles are:
> 
> *Why is it okay for my wife to spend money, but not me?
> My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!
> My wife thinks I talk too much...
> Please help! Wife's depression (her mother committed suicide)
> My wife masturbates when I'm not around - Accuses ME of masturbating!*
> 
> I am not dead positive your wife is the one with the issues here. We are not here to referee your marriage so you can go back to your wife and say "SEE!? Everyone agrees with ME!" If you want to spend money, spend it. If you want to talk, talk. If you want to masturbate, do it. But I think maybe it's time for you to consider that at least some of these issues in your relationship are a direction result of you, your actions, your choices, and how you treat your wife. I have yet to see very much understanding or self-lessness in most of your posts. Soooo...what are you willing to do to change yourself (NOT HER) in order to have a better marriage?


I think you got the wrong impression from me. I've been trying to let everyone know that I am VENTING to start because I've never had an outlet for my concerns and frustrations (she doesn't want to hear it, I have no close friends or family to just complain to).

So, yes, I am complaining.

But I thought I was also mentioning that I love her very much and there is a LOT of good about her. I even said soon I will start a thread that has all the wonderful things about her to balance this out.

And I'm very aware of the problems I cause in the relationship and if you read beyond what the titles of my threads are (which are admittedly one-sided titles) you'll see more of how I feel about myself in this relationship.

I am willing to do anything for her, and I have changed a LOT about myself while she has remained the same. I mean, for an easy example:

I sleep in the basement on the floor (haven't gotten a bed yet). She has the king-sized bed upstairs. This is because she has a hearing problem and a sleeping problem and I snore and move in my sleep.

I eat in other rooms after I make her food because she can't stand the sound of eating. And I mean every single meal for the past 4 years.

I work daily on speaking to her differently, both for her auditorial problem and for my tone and word choice, which has been a problem before (I tend to talk too businessy or just say things I don't realize are kind of 'man' things to say, you know?)

I'm in therapy.

These are things I'm happy to do to help her be happier in life. There are many, many, MANY others.

And a big reason I'm posting, too, is to understand why we have these problems, how to fix them, and to make her happier in our marriage. I'm not going anywhere no matter what.


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## turnera

What has she done to accommodate YOU?


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## qbert

*Oh, and I want to also say that I am NOT trying to get everyone to agree with me so that I can go back to her with an army. I know some people do that. In the books I've read, especially about abusive men, that is one of the key things they do to be dominant.

I would hate to be that miserable guy. No, I do feel I need some validation for my feelings and an outlet for them, too, but that's as far as it goes. Anything I take back to her will be positive stuff to help our marriage, not ammo.*


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## Freak On a Leash

qbert said:


> I'm in therapy.
> 
> These are things I'm happy to do to help her be happier in life. There are many, many, MANY others.


You can't make her happy when she's not happy herself. She sounds like a MISERABLE person. Everything is a problem for her it seems. She needs therapy too, and maybe more.

My Lord, it sounds like you fight about the most inane, nit pickiest things. You both need to lighten up already. It's NORMAL for a man to masturbate. What is she? Your mother? You are both running around your house peeking in on one another in the middle of the night to see what going on "under the covers?". WTF? :scratchhead: This sounds like a bad reality show. 

Go out and buy yourself a drink if you want it and let her buy a candy bar if she wants it. My 12 year old son buys himself a drink without asking me. He has his OWN money and uses it to buy stuff. It's a good concept. Make a budget and give yourselves a personal allowance and stop riding each other about every little friggin' thing. You're adults..you deserve to be able to live as one. 

Holy crap, I'd jump off a building if I had to put up with all this crap. Life is too short to worry about spending $2 on a bag of potato chips and $3 on a coke. You both remind me of a couple of bickering pre-teens. Seriously.


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## qbert

I wouldn't say miserable (though I have regrettably used that term in a fight when I was just baffled at why she doesn't seem to TRY to feel better about things). I would say she focuses on the negative of any situation and is very critical about what I do. Sometimes hypocritical.

And, yeah, I'd say I'm pretty anal about spending, because I did grow up very poor.

I've relaxed a lot on it, though. I usually work out any worries in my head and don't bother her with it.

So, again, I'm fine with her spending, I'm just confused as to why she's NOT fine with me doing the same.


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## Freak On a Leash

You need an allowance and so does she. If she wants to take her 20 bucks a week and blow it on expensive sodas then that'll be her business. If you want to buy 30 bags of potato chips then it's yours. Having someone nickel and dime you when you want to buy a soda is crazy. You should each have some money you can call you own and you do not have to answer to each other on how you spend it. It's YOUR money. 

This is how ADULTS do things. It's time your wife and you act like adults. Right now she's acting like your mother and you are her little boy. No..scratch that..I'd never treat my kids like this. Don't you get it? She doesn't RESPECT you. 

I could never live like this. It sounds pretty miserable to me.


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## qbert

You're giving good advice, but you really need to take a step back and realize doing things like talking yourself up and referring to us as children is incredibly disrespectful.


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## Freak On a Leash

qbert said:


> You're giving good advice, but you really need to take a step back and realize doing things like talking yourself up and referring to us as children is incredibly disrespectful.


I am not calling you children. I'm saying your constant bickering about nonsensical things is childlike. Ever see two 8 year old kids argue? You and your wife act just like that. You bicker constantly about inane things. You are always trying to "one up" each other. She's constantly nitpicking you about stupid stuff. You sit and pout and vent about it constantly. You come up with constant excuses and explanations as to why she won't and can't change and you sit and take her crap and enable her to continue her ways. Think about it. I call it as I see it. Welcome to the wonderful world of internet forums. *shrug*

Talking myself up? Well, I don't think that highly of myself. Sorry if I come off that way.


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## qbert

It seems you excuse your rudeness by saying you call it like you see it and it's the internet. This isn't 1990 at the dawn of web anonymity breeding deliberate rudeness.

We aren't "acting" like anything. We're a husband and wife trying to do our best, having a lot of trouble, and I'm asking for advice and venting (as a way to help not vent at her).


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## Freak On a Leash

Read your posts. I'm not being rude. I'm being honest and blunt. Your wife is rude to you and you need to realize it and not take her crap anymore. 

Don't take it out on me. I'm not your wife. I'm not even your friend. I've just read your posts and am giving you feedback. You don't like that feedback so you are crawling up my butt. You need to aim that frustration at your wife and do something constructive..and so does she.

I've given you some constructive advice. If she nitpicks at you, walk out and don't take it. Establish definite boundaries of behavior. Establish an allowance for each of you so you don't have to be like a little boy asking his mama for a dollar so you can buy a soda. Start taking a proactive approach in your relationship and stop playing the victim and stop the game playing.

That's it for me. I'm not into flamewars. Good luck.


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## qbert

I wasn't jumping on you. I was letting you know that you were being rude.

You were rude and now you're being defensive. Thanks for your time.


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## Freak On a Leash

Very good. Take that same sort of attitude with your wife when she starts in on you and you'll be getting somewhere.


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## qbert

I've tried being more aggressive, I've tried ultimatums. It gets me nowhere! She's not an angry bossy person, she's a victim, if you know what I mean. She feels attacked all the time and I truly don't think she realizes how controlling she is.

For example, she constantly tells me what she thinks I do wrong or what I need to change. If she does something I think is wrong and I CALMLY and politely say, "Honey, maybe there is a better way of dealing with this. Let's try something else." She gets really upset and calls me a jerk and says I think I'm perfect. If I go all day being told what I'm doing wrong and try to change all those things for her, shy can't I ask her to change something she's doing? Same issue, I think.


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## Freak On a Leash

:wtf: :scratchhead: So how do I answer this without being called "rude" or "defensive"? 

I don't. Carry on. 

I really love these little emoticons..particularly this one...:BoomSmilie_anim:

This one is cool too..:allhail:


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## turnera

It has been suggested many times on qbert's threads that he is approaching this forum in an antagonistic manner, which will severely curtail any lessons learned that anyone is trying to give him. No matter what anyone says, he has an answer back. That's his choice, of course, but it's not conducive to finding solutions for his issues. *shrug* I hope he finds a way to get things the way he wants them.


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## qbert

Just because I've tried what was suggested and it didn't work I'm being antagonistic. If it didn't work, don't I just need further suggestions?


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## Freak On a Leash

Let's see..there's this one..

:soapbox:

Some more favorites...

:banghead:

:slap:

The height of "rudeness" and "disrespect" : :moon:

But in the end there is always.. ray:


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## qbert

Weren't you just calling me childish a few posts ago?

Still open to thoughts and ideas if you're ready to stop.


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## qbert

And I will even try to avoid coming across as antagonistic. How's that sound? (That honestly isn't sarcasm)


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## turnera

qbert said:


> Just because I've tried what was suggested and it didn't work I'm being antagonistic. If it didn't work, don't I just need further suggestions?


qbert, I really am trying to be helpful here. All I mean is that, whenever the advice includes something you should look at in yourself, you have a ready answer at your fingertips for why THAT piece of advice won't work, or you've already tried, or whatever.

I'm just asking you to be as hard on yourself as you are on your wife, because SHE won't want to change, until she sees changes in YOU.

Is that fair? No. But it's reality. People told me for two years on another site to stop and look at myself to see what I was contributing to the problem. But I wouldn't listen. All I wanted was commiseration and ways to make my husband change. Everyone kept telling me it doesn't work that way. The only way for ME to get what I wanted, was to look at MYSELF and my contributions. And change what I didn't like, what I did that I wouldn't want my spouse doing to me. 

After a long struggle, I finally learned humility and took a good look at my own actions. Saw a lot of stuff in there I didn't like (like I knew I would). And I took steps to STOP doing them.

Guess what? Once I fixed MYSELF, made being with me a good thing, my husband's wall came down, and he started wanting to make ME happy. He stopped protecting himself from me, just like I had been doing with him.

Your situation's unique, with her medical issue. But she's still a human being who experiences the same rest of the stuff we all do. It's possible she's a full-time User and you're just a Giver, but I doubt it; and you say she's a great person. 

So find out WHY she behaves the way she does around you. It really does have something to do with you. You can stop those things you do that effect a reaction in her, and her wall may melt away, too, giving you the wife who puts your happiness ahead of her own. 

Did I suggest going to marriagebuilders.com? You can print out a Love Buster questionnaire there, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU do that bothers her. So you can stop doing whatever they are. That's the first step in creating a relationship where she stops protecting herself from you and wants to make you happy. It really does work.


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## Freak On a Leash

qbert said:


> Weren't you just calling me childish a few posts ago?
> 
> Still open to thoughts and ideas if you're ready to stop.


:biggrinangelA: Ah, you need to lighten up dude! :corkysm60: :bounce: There's nothing wrong with being childish as long as you are happy. I specialize in it but then again, I tend to have fun while being that way. :yay:

Seriously, I tend to try and offset a tense mood with levity. It's just how I am. If that doesn't work I go for the time honored activity of :toast: :beer:

Nope, I'm done. I have nothing left to offer. Best advice I can give you is to keep an open mind to what others have to say and try not to jump down anyone's throat. Not everyone "gets" what you are trying to say and most are trying to be helpful. I do wish you the best of luck. I think you are a good guy and are trying to do right by your wife. 

I'm in lurk mode now but I will be keeping an eye on you. :ezpi_wink1:

Damn, I love these little guys. :smthumbup:


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