# OMG, drinking to kill the pain



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK guys. I have to fess up. I am not a big drinker but today I gave in. I went and drank a huge Margarita with the stbxw and I am really feeling no pain right now. Well sort of; my hands are numb. LOL! This is really wierd. We really did some talking today. We are both in so much pain. She is remorseful of splitting up of the family. Its so strange, we have like a love hate lationship. How do we get past this. We hugged a lot today. She feels like we need to really put a rush on selling the house. I think us being together under the same roof is causing a lot of pain and confusion and we cant move on. Not because we cant stand each other but because of the feeling that we have torn our families apart, especially our adult children. Today my daughter came over and talked to my stbxw and told her that their relationship will never be the same. They were so close. It devastated my stbxw so much, she said she wished that the cancer would have taken her last year. I am so demoralized, devestated. I dont think she knew it was going to be this bad. I dont think there is any way to put our family back together again my heart is torn into so many pieces I dont see a way to being happy, or at peace. I pray every night but I feel as if am I am atoneing for my sins. I feel as if I am paying for not being a better husband, a better man. This is so painful I just want the pain to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Whoa, sorry for all the ranting in my last post. I am just really confused. We suffer for the pain we caused our children, she is remorseful of what she's done asking for the D. She resents me for putting her in the situation to ask for the D - which I totally disagree with. We went to the movies Saturday night. We hugged and cried together Sunday morning. We went out for a drink last night. Took our meds on top of it and I feel like i have a hangover this morning. WTF, why after 36 years, she decides to have an epiphany and want to go her own way. I think we need to get the house sold fast so we can separate and try to clear our heads. We still love each other but it looks like our relationship is to volitile to handle. I think that as long as we are living separated in the same house, we will not be able to move forward. What the h3ll to do!!!!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

oh brighterlight, I am sorry you're going through this. I think ranting is good for the soul, just get it all out there and let the internet swallow it up and take it away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope you feel better soon, dear. It's good you were able to talk to stbx. When will one of you move? I imagine living under the same roof is making things 20x harder..

I looove margaritas!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks both of you. Yes, I think all the emotions wrapped up into one loooooong rollercoaster ride is really getting us. I think it is good that we are good terms, never the less, it's painful. I do wish I had a timeline on moving out but I just don't. JB, you are right, it is so difficult to see her all the time knowing that she wants to be a stranger. We are running the gamut of pain, tears, anger, love, concern for each other, resentment, wow!!! Just awkward; I can't get my priorities straight, I can't plan for my future, I fear her ending up not happy with her life - I know weird huh, but I can't help it, I want the best and happiness for her, she deserves it, she has been the best mother ever, and a loving spouse for so many years before everything went south. As for me, it will take me a long time, or it may never happen, but if I fall in love again, that person is gauranteed to get a devoted and ever loving man in me and a wonderful partner. I am not the kind of person that can be alone for a very long time; I miss the company and blessings that a spouse brings to your life, things are just not as important without that.

Anywho, we are hoping to get the house done by the first weekend in June but then we have to wait for the sale. And in this economy, it might feel like an eternity. We have to get the house ready since most of the sales in our area are in the summer so folks can get their kids enrolled into schools. After the sale, I don't know what I will do. Seems like I am just trying to take one day at a time. It's going to take me some time to adjust to being single (if ever, we'll see) - geez, it's only been 36 years. We've been together since we were 14. I know, I am just a commited sap, but quite honestly, she was the love of my life, or so I thought. I am so glad you guys are on here, it does help so much. I have my moments. Thank you stair and JB.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Sale? I am so underwater with my house. I am begging BofA to just come get the keys.

That's a long time my friend. I can't imagine how rough that all is


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah well, we've been in this house almost 17 years. We refi'ed and only have well had, four years left to pay on it. So we will get a fair amount of equity but yes we will still not get wht its worth. Ain't life grand! Four more years and we would not have a mortgage payment! Kinda makes me wanna take the low road and call her some names - but no, i still love her. Really I do. LOL! Where's the margaritas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I am sinking back into deep sorrow. It's was a rough night and it's a rough morning. Has anyone on here heard about the DivorceCare program? I was thinking about joining this group but I am not sure how that would go for me. You guys are also a great support group.

The stbxw just left on a memorial day weekend trip back to her hometown and I am left alone. She will be around her family. I am helping my daughter move and she is so sad about us. I kills me to see my little girl (well, shes 22 but always my little girl) hurt and sad. It isn't right. Anyway, thanks for hearing me rant. I am really having a hard time this morning. Worst thing is, I can not let it out and I feel the need to.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Be careful having those big conversations when you've been drinking. Type it out here when you're in that moment - and then try talking the next day if it still makes sense.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

NG, I know, I am not really a big drinker. This post was last week when I had a HUGE powerful margarita for the first time since the D word. Quite honestly, it did not make me feel any better. You guys are my counseling group. Thanks for being on here; I have my ups and downs. Just hard to not know where you are going when you are living day to day in a haze.

I would also like to know if any of the guys on here have read, "A man's feelings" by Michael Eads?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I had three fairly good sized glasses of wine last night. Wasn't happy about that this morning :/

I don't feel as crappy and sad today so there's that at least.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

brighterlight said:


> Yeah well, we've been in this house almost 17 years. We refi'ed and only have well had, four years left to pay on it. So we will get a fair amount of equity but yes we will still not get wht its worth. Ain't life grand! Four more years and we would not have a mortgage payment! Kinda makes me wanna take the low road and call her some names - but no, i still love her. Really I do. LOL! Where's the margaritas.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I dont know where you live but real estate is in the worst market it has been in 20 years. It may be a better option to rent the house out and see if the market improves.

As for the pain and the rollercoaster ride of emotions they may not subside after you and the x go your seperate ways depending if you love her or not. Good luck to ya, try not to drown your sorrows as that actually can make things worse but a few drinks now and then isnt much to worry about.

Always feel free to rant here most of us have been there and if it helps do it feel free to post your emotions even if they are a passing emotion and you can always qualify it by stating that your just ranting, its better than holding feelings in. IMHO


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

B29, thanks. I know the market is bad. That is what makes me a little peeved about selling but we really have no choice as we have to liquidate asseets to pay debt. we have hefty student loan debt. If it wasn't for that, I would consider other options including renting the house to my daughter and her husband - although I doubt they would go for that as they were raised here and it would a constant reminder of their mother and father and their happy childhood. They just leased an apartment today. All three of my kids went to private universities. In retrospect (hindsight is 20/20) if I had known my future, I might have forced the state university issue. I am all over the place with emotions right now. Thank you for your post. Actually, here i am by myself in this big house on a Friday evening and I am so wanting to go out to the local pool hall/sports bar but I am conflicted on that. The W went out of state for the weekend to visit her family. Yes, I still love her, that is what I am worried about. I don't know whether to sit her and mope, go to the bar, go to the movies (by myself). I just don't know. At this point I wish I had a lady friend that wouldn't mind just going to catch a flick.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Well, I'm at home too this Friday night. I thought she wanted me out tonight just to get some space, but last night she says I misunderstood her. She thought I wanted to be alone and needed space so she was suggesting I get a hotel room. 

Man that just kills me! I don't want to be alone. I really want us to fix this. I only want to separate because I want to get away from a person who is using me for financial reasons and has not put in the real effort needed to heal herself and our relationship.

Tomorrow she heads up to her mom's house with our two girls for the weekend. Sunday her sisters, nieces and nephews are going to a family fun park. I said I'll meet her at the park but won't be staying at her mom's with her. She keeps telling me I don't have to come if I don't want to. Uhg!

Yeah the house thing sucks! We only have 4 1/2yrs left on ours. Probably won't make it to the final payment either. Take care tonight. Hang in there.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

TD, thanks so much! This house is so quiet. At least you have your little ones to be with. I am really alone. I don't know if I can stay here tonight actually. I might have to leave. Maybe go visit my folks for a little bit. I am hurting so bad inside that I just don't think I can be alone. And, it'll be same all weekend through Monday. Even though I have been working out and getting in shape, I feel like I have aged 5 years in the last 4 weeks. Eh, I am just ranting on here about my pity party. Sorry.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I took a ride to the shore tonight, so beautiful there, but soooo lonely alone. I bet if I asked my H, he might have come, but I couldn't do it. He told our kids this week we are divorcing, even though I want us to work on our marriage and I can't bring myself to hang out with him. Tomorrow at a family cookout I will lie that he is playing golf. I am not ready to face my family knowing yet.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sad, hang in there. If he wants a divorce, and he is certain of it, you cannot make someone want to stay. I had a terrible night last night but much better today. Somehow, you have to learn how to let him go. My W is out of town with her family this weekend. She posted on fb that she was out with her brother, sister at a bar having a good time. When she called me and asked me how the move went with my daughter, I told her it was a long day and that we were finished around 9:15pm and we were tired and were going to eat and have a margarita. Well, I detected some standofish attitude after that on the phone. So WTF, she is great being with her family, which is great, they are wobderful people, but i am supposed to hide away here by myself. I dont think so. So i am going to move on with my life. Would i have rather it be different.and i still had my close knit family? You betcha, but i did not choose this. So i learn to make myself better and not regret any of my life, past, present, or future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Guys I wanted to dive into a bottle of wine last night but I was too lazy. How does that even happen?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Eh, just think of it as less jogging to burn off the calories, and less depression once the effect wears off. No fun having wine alone anyway, save it for when a friend comes over; and I don't mean just girlfriends either. LOL! 
:absolut: :absolut: :absolut: = :ezpi_wink1:


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Wine is fun both with friends and alone. It's magical elixir. I just ran, too so I could have had the wine


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I guess that is so. But I prefer to enjoy it in the company of friends.


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