# Any Point In Looking?



## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Hi,

Trying to make myself feel better living the single life, but its getting harder I can't stand seeing my friends and family having children and really happy together. I even try to avoid the town centers as I see so many people happy makes me sad about my own situation. 

I am currently trying to save up for my own place, plus I have started my own business with small success, but not enough to support a wife and kids yet. Is there any point getting into a relationship? 

I am thinking that it may take 1-2 years get to know before making a commitment (in that time I hope to be financially secure).


Will she understand my situation my past? I don't think many women do nowadays they want security rather than tag team.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

i dont have many suggestions for you. all i can say is that I am right there with you. In the divorce I was able to keep the house and almost everything in it. I still took a hit financially as she left me with about 5k in her debt. It still doesnt make it easy. It seems like the world is a different place: i agree it sucks going out and seeing happy people. Who would have ever guessed we would find ourselves in this situation!!??


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

One day at a time. Nothing is forever.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you are still in a dark place. 

It will take some time but there will be a time when you see happy couples and families and that's all you see. You won't compare it to anything. You will be happy for friends without the jealousy of wishing it was you. You will simply be happy.

When that time comes, you will see it is a sign to embrace the future.

Don't underestimate women. If by 'tag team' you mean you and kids, there are women out there willing and even looking forward to embracing that life. I have SO MUCH love, happiness and enthusiasm it seems sad to only have one child in my life. I only fear at 45 my chance to have other children in my life has passed (not grandchildren, obviously). 

When I left my husband, my daughter was four. I had so hoped I would meet someone she would grow to love as a secondary father figure; someone to show her what a real man is all about. At 14 the best I feel I can hope for is that she is fond of whomever ends up in my life. 

So don't worry about finding your own joy yet. Try to see other people's joy as hope and a sign that it exists and is attainable.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sh*t happens and everyone's life turns out differently than they expect. Don't rush into a relationship just to fit some mold of what you thought you would want in life.

Live life every day, get excited and passionate about it. That way no matter what happens you will enjoy life.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: My feelings exactly. There's no "one" or "right" way to live life and for every "happy" couple you see in the park there's another fighting and screaming at each other behind closed doors. 

Why deny yourself a good time with someone just because you don't think you can "support" them. Why the obsession with being "committed?" Is there no grey area in between? Why does the next step have to be having a wife and kids? Can't you just go out and have a good time and just enjoy the moment you are in? Your attitude is making your life much more difficult than it needs to be.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

When I first separated from my ex all of a sudden I had a different view of all those "happy, perfect" families and couples I would see out and about.

From the outside ex and I would have looked very happy and perfect. We had a great social life, travelled, kids in private schools, OK financially blah blah blah. But the truth was we were miserable on the inside.

All I am saying is that many of those happy looking people are happy on the outside but unhappy on the inside. Don't judge your happiness based on the one dimensional view you see of other people.

All the best to you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And I'd have to add that being financially stable enough to support yourself alone is all you might need. I for one have no plans to mingle assets with anyone ever again. I have a young child to care for, and what I have goes to him, if anything happens to me. I've already lost enough in my marriage. 

I know quite a few women who feel the same way. They don't want to be involved with someone who can't or won't take care of himself, but they also don't want a sugar daddy. They're perfectly happy to take care of themselves financially. Don't feel like you can't get to know women as friends, or to date women because you don't have the means to ask them to commit. 

Two different animals right now.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: :iagree: My feelings exactly. There's no "one" or "right" way to live life and for every "happy" couple you see in the park there's another fighting and screaming at each other behind closed doors.
> 
> Why deny yourself a good time with someone just because you don't think you can "support" them. Why the obsession with being "committed?" Is there no grey area in between? Why does the next step have to be having a wife and kids? Can't you just go out and have a good time and just enjoy the moment you are in? Your attitude is making your life much more difficult than it needs to be.


So true F , dunno how many times in this last 3 or 4 yrs I felt married life was for fools .
Even in our case where we really got along , there were huge other things , huge , and now I'm stuck here paying the price for them and I did later in our marriage too , badly.
That all lead to this for us , it was damn tough !

And now when you do split , you realize your whole world , the way you lived , your finances , everything , was in someone elses hands and not your own . 
If it could happen to us after 18yrs it could happen to absolutely anyone.
I've actually envied single people so many times over the years and I really wondered just why people bother.

Just goes to show , be careful what you think .


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Holland said:


> From the outside ex and I would have looked very happy and perfect. We had a great social life, travelled, kids in private schools, OK financially blah blah blah. But the truth was we were miserable on the inside.
> 
> All I am saying is that many of those happy looking people are happy on the outside but unhappy on the inside. Don't judge your happiness based on the one dimensional view you see of other people.


:iagree: Over the years in the course of my business I have seen couples that have looked like they are doing great. One couple had just bought a beautiful new house. They both drove nice cars, went on vacations. Had beautiful kids. They both seemed very happy and fine together. 

Then one day she told me they were getting divorced. Turned out the husband was abusive and beat her up. Her life was miserable. You never would've known to look at them. 

Time after time I've seen this. Never judge a book by it's cover.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> I've actually envied single people so many times over the years


Me too! Now I'm glad to be one of them! :yay: :smthumbup: Sure wish I'd felt this way 25 years ago but you can only go forward so why bother looking behind you?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was on POF within a couple weeks after separation and taking my ring off (knew it was over) chatted with a couple women, realized I'm not close to ready so closed my profile for several months. After 6 months or so put it back up again, got in a little thing with one lady who was also recently separated, it was not exactly a healthy relationship but it was a lot of fun, a lot of drama and started waking parts of me up that were both dormant and also never even used. It ended kinda ugly with her. Took a little break after that, eventually tried dating someone else but I could never be myself and I don't think she was the problem. That was last summer.

Nowadays, I am a little shy to date, feel really quite unwanted, though I know I can meet women who want me in their friendzone. First year after separation was a lot more fun than the second, for me.

Give yourself time, and if you want to date go ahead, but keep it casual and don't go committing to the first available woman that comes along. You are on the rebound, test the waters.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

> I for one have no plans to mingle assets with anyone ever again.


I totally hear that. My final divorce hearing is in 6 hours. Its 4 am and I'm wide awake. Still hard to believe that 13 yrs is over. I know in my head its the right thing to do, but my heart still aches. The last thing I want to do is go through this again.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> And I'd have to add that being financially stable enough to support yourself alone is all you might need. I for one have no plans to mingle assets with anyone ever again. I have a young child to care for, and what I have goes to him, if anything happens to me. I've already lost enough in my marriage.
> 
> I know quite a few women who feel the same way. They don't want to be involved with someone who can't or won't take care of himself, but they also don't want a sugar daddy. They're perfectly happy to take care of themselves financially. Don't feel like you can't get to know women as friends, or to date women because you don't have the means to ask them to commit.
> 
> Two different animals right now.



Yeah , really know what your sayin here. We were both working so not that she was freeloading from us in anyway but . The thing is , if you turn around and it's all fallen to pieces you realize just how screwed you are because everything's so inter wound and you could easily be facing starting all over again , from nothin.

So my first resolution after all this was never again.
If we can sell everything I'm going it alone with my new place no matter who I'm with by then. 
Dunno how that'll work because your spose to be a team but I'm not risking this ever again.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

HeartbrokenW said:


> I totally hear that. My final divorce hearing is in 6 hours. Its 4 am and I'm wide awake. Still hard to believe that 13 yrs is over. I know in my head its the right thing to do, but my heart still aches. The last thing I want to do is go through this again.



Sorry, HeartbrokenW. I just had mine on 2/14, and we were (legally) married 12 years, so I sympathize. That's how I feel, too: I never want to go through this again. If I ever get into a LTR with someone, it will be under totally different 'rules.' 

Thinking of you today. ((hugs))


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks Angel. It went well. He and I rode down there and back together. Answered their questions and we were done. We had already signed a premarital settlement agreement, he had already signed the Quit Claim deed, I've already refinanced the house into my own loan. This was just a formality after waiting out the waiting period.

I feel good. Relieved. Filled with new hope. There's an odd feeling of calmness about now. I think this was weighing on me more than I consciously admitted. He asked for this divorce, I didn't want it. Couldn't talk him into working it out, so I filed. Now its over, and I'm ok with it. With all of it. The sun WILL rise tomorrow.


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Thanks guys n gals for all your positive comments. I don't mind meeting and being friends with someone, however I fear she may question me endlessly about my ex what happen and is it really over and I am not a liar I had mistakes as well as her we just didn't get along our relationship turned into me vs u and big sister vs little brother. 

If I mention that to my new girl I fear she will leave me, but I am being honest about it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You don't have to talk about it in the beginning. Eventually it will probably come up, if you two find that you start to click. She's going to want to know what happened in previous relationships (probably wisely looking for 'red flags') and you would be doing the same (wisely looking for 'red flags'). 

But if you've been really working on yourself, she'll be able to see that, too. 

Don't feel you have to be confessional the first time you meet someone. I personally wouldn't want to have someone dump their baggage on me the first time we meet. And if someone just wants to talk about her ex or want to know about your ex, I would not like that, either. It would make me feel like that person is not really over their own issues in regard to their relationship.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I'd give advice, but I obviously suck at this whole dating thing. Unless you count going too far too fast good advice.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh rilly?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

yep. finally decided to meet one of the people I was talking to. Didn't quite go as I expected. And by 'expected' I mean I expected to just to meet her, talk and maybe talk later. Went far beyond that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Did it scare you out of trying to go out again, or do you think it helped you get over an initial fear of going out with someone?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> yep. finally decided to meet one of the people I was talking to. Didn't quite go as I expected. And by 'expected' I mean I expected to just to meet her, talk and maybe talk later. Went far beyond that.


Rock. On.


Pb.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Did it scare you out of trying to go out again, or do you think it helped you get over an initial fear of going out with someone?


 Don't know if I should say. I'll say I met her Friday went to a club. Danced a little, drank a little. She went home Sat night, came back over Sunday night, then Monday night. I'll just say I should know better and we haven't done a lot of talking.

Not sure how I feel about it. It's definitely not me. Or the me I use to be.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Don't know if I should say. I'll say I *met her Friday went to a club. Danced drank. She went home Sat night*, came over Sunday night, Monday night. I'll just say I should know better and we haven't done a lot of talking.


Well, well.  



NoWhere said:


> Not sure how I feel about it. It's definitely not me. *Or the me I use to be.*


You're not going to be the 'you' you used to be, NW. Your life has changed. And that may be OK. If it's making you happy right now, go with it. And have fun. That's where you should be at at this point. Nothing heavy. And as long as you're not leading this person on with promises of things you don't intend to deliver re: a relationship, don't worry about it. :smthumbup:

I'm happy for you.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Well I've definitely made her happy. Quite a few times.  And I'm not complaining even though I'm a little disappointed in myself. Its kind of scary. We've spent more time in bed then we've actually spent together doing anything else. I can say though we both were very adamant about not seeking someone who just wanted to have sex and we didn't do anything Friday night. Danced, talked and drank till about 2 AM. When they closed we went to my house. Nothing happened until Sat morning when we were both sober.

As far as a relationship. I told her I had no idea where this was going and I was just taking things one day at a time, but wow its been overly good. Has helped my self esteem for sure. Not sure if its from years of being with a half there wife or the long lack of sex. Actually I think its because I'm not trying to overly please her so I'm not worried about what I do or say. Which has the effect of really pleasing her. Drives her completely crazy. Much different lover then I was with my wife. I told her I needed a break tonight. Lol.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> You don't have to talk about it in the beginning. Eventually it will probably come up, if you two find that you start to click. She's going to want to know what happened in previous relationships (probably wisely looking for 'red flags') and you would be doing the same (wisely looking for 'red flags').
> 
> But if you've been really working on yourself, she'll be able to see that, too.
> 
> Don't feel you have to be confessional the first time you meet someone. I personally wouldn't want to have someone dump their baggage on me the first time we meet. And if someone just wants to talk about her ex or want to know about your ex, I would not like that, either. It would make me feel like that person is not really over their own issues in regard to their relationship.



Yeah this one girl I've spent time with so far , said she didn't want to be just a shoulder and me going on about my ex and the sep too much - which was fine with me.
Funny thing though , she spent hours sounding me out about hers . I didn't mind though, that took my mind of my own .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Don't know if I should say. I'll say I met her Friday went to a club. Danced a little, drank a little. She went home Sat night, came back over Sunday night, then Monday night. I'll just say I should know better and we haven't done a lot of talking.
> 
> Not sure how I feel about it. It's definitely not me. Or the me I use to be.


Well I never !!!!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Well I've definitely made her happy. Quite a few times.  And I'm not complaining even though I'm a little disappointed in myself. Its kind of scary. We've spent more time in bed then we've actually spent together doing anything else. I can say though we both were very adamant about not seeking someone who just wanted to have sex and we didn't do anything Friday night. Danced, talked and drank till about 2 AM. When they closed we went to my house. Nothing happened until Sat morning when we were both sober. Afterwards we didn't leave the bed till about 4pm.
> 
> As far as a relationship. I told her I had no idea where this was going and I was just taking things one day at a time, but wow its been overly good. Has helped my self esteem for sure. Not sure if its from years of being with a half there wife or the long lack of sex. Actually I think its because I'm not trying to overly please her so I'm not worried about what I do or say. Which has the effect of really pleasing her. Drives her completely crazy. Much different lover then I was with my wife. I told her I needed a break tonight. Lol.


Nowhere - go to your room !
Na , don't worry about it mate , If you feel all dirty and used  , just don't do it again ---- for at least a week :scratchhead:


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

No I'm perfectly happy. Though now its hard to get anything done at work. We're constantly texting racy things to each other all day. And at night...well I'll leave that to your imagination. 

Not sure where this all is headed, but I like it. If it stops I think I'll be ok with that to. The best part about the whole thing is my wife through the years made me feel like a poor lover. I make this women insane and the easier it is to please her the more confident I feel and the easier it gets. I've never had a mostly all physical relationship ever in my life. I feel like a different person. I guess that's good.

For the record. I've never done something like this and I am not 'easy'. if you know what I mean. This is all a first for me. 

Really sorry for hijacking your thread Heartbroken. So I'll answer your question. "Is there any point getting into a relationship?"
From where I'm standing. Yes. I see no need to get connected and fall in love right now. I know there is always the chance I will fall in love with the women I'm seeing, but right now I feel it could end and I'd be ok. I would be back where I was before I met her. So I'm just enjoying each moment and telling myself nothing lasts forever. Just roll with it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*NoWhere*
It's what you need RIGHT NOW. Even you admit it is good for your ego which took quite a bruising (beating?) from your ex-wife. 

Enjoy it for what it is NOW. Don't worry about next week or next month. If something comes of it, great! If nothing comes of it, it got you feeling good about yourself, your abilities, your social life, your future. Now you know, you can have a really great life again...maybe it won't be with this woman....so what. 



> *whitehawk*
> Well I never !!!!


Maybe YOU SHOULD! 

.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

That is exactly what I'm trying to do is just enjoy it for what it is and try not to worry where its headed. Had a great weekend and everything is going good so far. Actually took her out somewhere for a actual date Sat. Which felt unusual considering.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hey BH09,

Buckle down, you can get your situation turned around. Make aplan, stick with your plan and be ready if you have to modify the plan.

I feel your pain as I am in that mode, reshuffling my financial life while dealing with the pain of my 22 year marriage coming to an end.

You can do it. Be positive and keep fighting. Here is something to look forward to. You seemed concerned about a new partner understanding your past. I can guarantee you that anyone that you start a relationship with will have a past and if you are honest and they are honest, the past will be irrelevant. Understand why you are in your situation and address those things in your personality that are negative. You will be a great partner because of it, I am.

You can do this,
Stretch


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

22 yrs Stretch , looong time eh . We were together 18 and married 12. Splt 41/2 mths ago , 1 daughter 11.
So do you like your life again now ?

Anyway , thanks for talkinh about this , there's a lot of us here that need it.
All the best


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

My life is getting better each day. I found someone who wanted to be with me and I want to be with her. She actually found me, awesome. She is separated so we each have our baggage. Our relationship progressed and when it came time for intimacy, I had to make a decision to move forward and accept the end of my marriage or keep my celibacy as a component of reconcilliation. I chose intimacy and I have no regrets.

In a very short period of time I learned you have to get out there and enjoy doing things you like to do. New people will come into your life and that helps you heal.

Is there "any point in looking?" I say yes.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks Stretch . Glad things came your way for you , so cool and thanks for the advice , wish you and your lady the very best .


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