# Told H this morning I would be seeking legal counsel.......am terrified



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

After 23 years of marriage - with a lot of GOODS as well as not-so-goods - I guess I finally reached my breaking point. We have not had but maybe a weekend here and there since the first of the year where we haven't had a blow-up. It's just gotten to where I don't care anymore. I'm not blaming him, nor am I putting all of the blame on me, either. The LD thing is really what was behind it all to begin with, but I find it spilling more and more into other aspects of our R (ripple effect, I guess)...........he says I don't want to do anything with him anymore which he is probably correct, because I have so much resentment built up over the other stuff. We both wind up yelling and can't see each others' points of view and just are getting further and further off the path. I have been seeing a counselor, he agreed to go and we've only had one appointment together so far, but I thought were headed in the right direction. I can't believe I said it, but I finally told him I had had enough. I'm a mix of emotions right now- mad, sad, TERRIFIED...........I still love him, but just don't think I can take going on like that week after week. We had reached a compromise of 1x a week, though it always seemed so obligatory to him. I just got tired of always feeling like I was another chore to him. He really let me have it as he stormed out today............told me I wanted a dog to follow me around and do what I wanted it to on demand and 'good luck finding somebody to do that'..................I swear, I don't think I was asking for the moon. To be loved in 'that' way, to have physical contact because the other person WANTS it.........and to be made to feel like there is something wrong with me ((( I don't even know what to feel anymore..............and don't even know why I am writing this. I am just a non-functional mess right now and need to get it out and I guess hear from somebody that I will be o.k. and that there isn't something 'wrong' with me ((((

Sunshine

PS - forgot to say - we had a good couple of years when he agreed to get his T checked and it was determined he was low. He quit taking the shots because he got tired of going every week and since then, things changed. He swears that I am making it up in my mind that it is the shots and that I am clinging on to the belief that things have changed since he stopped when it's untrue. Honestly, I do feel like that is a big part of it, but yet that topic is OFF LIMITS. Can't mention the shots without him blowing up even worse. Forgot to mention that above, but it is important to the big picture of my story.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

There is a part of you that still hopes things will turn around, and love can do that to a person. Love can give us hope on an outcome we want, and we then fail to accept the fact of our situation.

You love him and yourself to stop the misery, so you do not go on harming each other for years on end. You both want different outcomes out of life, and you need to accept those facts. He does not want to continue the treatment, and you want an affectionate marriage. He chose to stop the treatment, and that is his decision to make. You do not have to accept the state of the marriage either.

Love is not enough, and people's wants and needs need to be taken into consideration.

If you are going to leave, then there is no point on working on the relationship, you both will trigger the other at this point.

Learn to detach and uncouple with him, The more detach you are, the less willing you will want to work on the marriage. The fact that you plan on leaving suggests that your bond is very weak, and his bond to you in return is weak as well. As the bond grows weaker, the less willing each person is willing to work on the relationship, and so now you must focus on yourself.

Really, if people care about each other, they will let the other go if a relationship cannot be mended. Divorce has such a negative stigma, when the fact is that the relationship is better off finished then continuing down the path that your relationship is going. It may hurt at first, but it will give you both the chance to heal sooner than to continue the pain for years on end.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> There is a part of you that still hopes things will turn around, and love can do that to a person. Love can give us hope on an outcome we want, and we then fail to accept the fact of our situation.
> 
> You love him and yourself to stop the misery, so you do not go on harming each other for years on end. You both want different outcomes out of life, and you need to accept those facts. He does not want to continue the treatment, and you want an affectionate marriage. He chose to stop the treatment, and that is his decision to make. You do not have to accept the state of the marriage either.
> 
> ...



YES, there is still a part of me that wants it to work. But it's true, it might be the kindest thing to do for both of us right now. Guess I never thought at my age and stage of life this is where I would be, and I have no idea where this will take me. SCARED of what might be, yet very much unhappy with the way things have been for so long despite wanting things to change and trying in my own way to tell him that we needed to work on things. I guess I'm trying to psych myself up for what will probably be a bumpy ride and hoping and praying I'm not making the mistake of my life. It's hard after 23 years to just go on as 'normal' when your world is just falling apart. If I could have back those two years of 'wonderful-ness' it would be just amazing. It wasn't that long ago - 2013 and 2014. My heart just hurts so much right now ((


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Can you get by without the sex? 
suggestion:
Can you try to just work on the marriage/relationship aspect for (give yourself a time limit)... say 3 months?
During those three months, just satisfy yourself sexually with your own toys.... Don't mention to him that you are doing it... and don't bring up sex (or lack of sex contact) with him at all for the 2/3 months of this working on things.

Buy that time, you can see if you get along better together as a couple without any sexual expectations from either of you. Then you can determine if you are happy enough/loving enough of the marriage to want to keep it going.

After the timeframe marker. Sit down & have talk/discussion. Say, that you have not asked for or expected any sex for 3 months. Is he still happy in the marriage? Does he want to continue being married to you? Then at that point, decide if you can reach an agreement about appropriate sexual desires and respecting each others desires. If he does not want to try other low T medical options (there are other things besides shots), you have to decide if you are willing to be in a recovering marriage that might be sexless.

Are you?
If you already know "NO-Way". That you would not be happy with this man doing fun things with him outside of the bedroom... that you would not be happy continuing a 23 year marriage, if sex was completely off the table.. then I say find an amicable way to end it.

Just a thought outside of all this: If a year ago, he was in a tragic accident, that left him paralyzied waist down, and could not perform sexually.... would you have wanted to leave him at the 22 year point? Knowing how things had been for 2013-2014?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Chelle D said:


> Can you get by without the sex?
> suggestion:
> Can you try to just work on the marriage/relationship aspect for (give yourself a time limit)... say 3 months?
> During those three months, just satisfy yourself sexually with your own toys.... Don't mention to him that you are doing it... and don't bring up sex (or lack of sex contact) with him at all for the 2/3 months of this working on things.
> ...


Chelle -

I am afraid I've already passed the point of giving it a few months. He blew up when I told him I couldn't take it any more and isn't speaking to me. Took off with the kids for the day and I'm sure when he comes back will be icy to me. He basically told me if I mentioned legal counsel, to him that was it. End of discussion. I did mention it because I honestly was worn down. WEEKLY fights - bad ones. I just couldn't take it anymore.

What you are suggesting is great, but I may have lost that opportunity since I've already mentioned legal help. As to your other question, at least if he was in an accident and couldn't be with me in that way, it would be a "legitimate" reason........I would stay. As it stands now, the reason is that he just doesn't feel that way towards me.........and it hurts ((((


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LilMissSunshine said:


> He swears that I am making it up in my mind that it is the shots and that I am clinging on to the belief that things have changed since he stopped when it's untrue. Honestly, I do feel like that is a big part of it, but yet that topic is OFF LIMITS. Can't mention the shots without him blowing up even worse. Forgot to mention that above, but it is important to the big picture of my story.


l can almost guarantee that he is experiencing BIG-TIME SHAME that he needs medicine to perform. You may not realize the huge level of importance that a man's virility has. Usually even more important than having a good job. 

It's got nothing to do with you, of course, except that when he looks at you he feels shame and self hatred. So, in typical male fashion, he lashes out at the one person he 'knows' will take it - his wife.

A man's top 3 Emotional Needs are typically Sex, Recreational Companionship, and Admiration. He's a failure at the sex, you guys fight so much you won't do things with him, and it's obvious you don't admire him. So he is miserable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Chelle D said:


> Can you get by without the sex?
> suggestion:
> Can you try to just work on the marriage/relationship aspect for (give yourself a time limit)... say 3 months?
> During those three months, just satisfy yourself sexually with your own toys.... Don't mention to him that you are doing it... and don't bring up sex (or lack of sex contact) with him at all for the 2/3 months of this working on things.
> ...


I've seen therapists suggest exactly this SEVERAL times. You might want to consider it. I mean, you can't be divorced immediately, so what do you have to lose?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay, you said that you guys agreed on at least once a week recently...and he acts like its a chore for him. So to me, that doesn't sound like a 3 month hiatus.

Also, you say "I already told him I couldn't take it anymore". To me, that sounds like a statement that would have been said during a fight or an argument just to realease frustration.

I'm talking about a true, no sex expected time period. [ If he approaches you for some one on one time... say, okay, we'll snuggle, and see where it goes from there. Don't say "Okay, I'm up for sex finally!"... that puts him on the spot to perform.] 
Anyway, after a pre-agreed no sex expected time frame (not once a week expected)... I'm talking about a sit down.... Okay honey, lets talk about how the last 3 months have gone. "I'm frustrated because it feels like you don't even want to touch me, even when we aren't going to have sex..." or something like "I've really enjoyed connecting with you and going out doing things with you again these last 3 months... can we talk about being more intimately touching in the bedroom again?" Or... "Without sex.. do you feel the marriage is good enough to fight for?"

I definetly wasn't talking about saying it during an argument that you just can't take the no sex contact anymore.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

And when/if a couple agrees on a no-sex expected time frame... that does not mean that you won't have sex or can't have sex for that long. 

It means that if both of you are willing to want to snuggle, you can,... if you both want to do some sexual touching, you can... but if one backs out of it, or decides they can't perform, or says they are too tired to try.... there is to be no ill feelings from the other person.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> l can almost guarantee that he is experiencing BIG-TIME SHAME that he needs medicine to perform. You may not realize the huge level of importance that a man's virility has. Usually even more important than having a good job.
> 
> It's got nothing to do with you, of course, except that when he looks at you he feels shame and self hatred. So, in typical male fashion, he lashes out at the one person he 'knows' will take it - his wife.
> 
> A man's top 3 Emotional Needs are typically Sex, Recreational Companionship, and Admiration. He's a failure at the sex, you guys fight so much you won't do things with him, and it's obvious you don't admire him. So he is miserable.


Turnera, there isn't really any 'mechanical' issues so to speak, it's just lack of desire..........which the T seemed to really help with. I almost could deal with the lack of desire more than I can deal with the moodiness that he seems to have without it. I don't know if it is depression, anger, or some sort of combination, but his whole disposition changed when his T was back at a reasonable level. honestly, as I sit here and think through this, the moodiness is just as bad if not worse than the not wanting to be with me (again, he will do it, but it just seems like he is checking a box off his list........not really into it). The first time this all came up several years ago, it took me over a year to get him to the doctor. I don't know exactly how long it was, but I know it was over a year because I was worn down and sharing with a few close friends at one of our ladies annual trips........lo and behold the next year (same time same place), I was still distraught over the same situation. They told me they hoped for my sake I didn't come back a third year with the same thing....which I didn't. He got treatment and life was great. Now I'm back to where I was five years ago ((( I don't know if it is shame or not.............I honestly don't. I just wish with all of my heart I could get the 'old' him back (((


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Chelle D said:


> Okay, you said that you guys agreed on at least once a week recently...and he acts like its a chore for him. So to me, that doesn't sound like a 3 month hiatus.
> 
> Also, you say "I already told him I couldn't take it anymore". To me, that sounds like a statement that would have been said during a fight or an argument just to realease frustration.
> 
> ...


Got it. I understand completely. I would be willing to do just that, BUT...........am afraid that because I mentioned anything with the words 'legal counsel' he has already told me that was crossing a line where we can't go back. So maybe I won't have that opportunity now. I just don't know. I guess I will know in another week or so if he is still speaking to me and shares his thoughts one way or another. I just can't handle the roller coaster anymore and told him I was seeing an attorney. I literally IN THAT MOMENT decided I couldn't take it any more. I soooooo don't want this...................but can't live like this anymore either ((((


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> And when/if a couple agrees on a no-sex expected time frame... that does not mean that you won't have sex or can't have sex for that long.
> 
> It means that if both of you are willing to want to snuggle, you can,... if you both want to do some sexual touching, you can... but if one backs out of it, or decides they can't perform, or says they are too tired to try.... there is to be no ill feelings from the other person.



he will be over the moon about this... 

OP, you need to accept there is a mismatch. If you can't deal with it, you'll have to let it go... it's frustrating when there is a "cure" and your partner doesn't want to go down that road. I've been there. You can only detach and mind your own business for a while but, as I said before - and in my opinion - your husband will be relieved and things won't change... he doesn't need sex, or not as much as you do. He feels haunted and the more pressure you put on him, the worse it will get. 

Leave him alone for a while and see what happens... you have nothing to lose. It might work or it might not work... but it can't get any worse than this...

It's a hard place to be in...


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

OP, I want to address the low T side of things. Your husband doesn't want to go for shots every week. How about a bioidentical testosterone cream that he applies to the scrotum every morning after his shower? My husband had low T - low sex drive, depressed, grumpy, lacked motivation. He started on the test cream and he is a different man. After your husband stopped the test shots most likely his mood became depressed again and he lost his sexual desire. Maybe you both could agree to try the 3 month sexual hiatus but see if he is willing to try the bio testosterone cream while simultaneously working on other aspects of your relationship. You've got nothing to lose. If he's on the cream the pair of you may not make it to the 1 month mark without having sex. I wish you the best.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

However you decide to go, I suggest getting help to deal with the anger and resentment. Chances are, even if you have sex again, you still will have to work on the negative emotions towards him. There is a good chance that you will be angry that he did not do what he can on his end. The whole paralyze thing versus not being paralyze is situational. In one scenario, that is beyond his control. The other, he can find ways to deal with it, but he picked his ego over the relationship. I suggested to you in the past where you get your sexual needs met elsewhere if he is willing to allow that to occur. There are marriages that end up being companionship marriage, and the sexual needs is met outside the relationship. Here is another thing that some might not have considered. He may not seek help. There was research done where people will ignore their medical conditions until it ruins their lives. People will not like to acknowledge their flaws, or see themselves as defective. This could be the case with your husband, we do not know yet. He may not want to acknowledge that he has a problem, and he will attack you because you are reminding him of that fact. He may not change until a divorce is upon him. There has to be something strong enough to motivate him. Their is a chance that he may pick his ego over the relationship ending. He has a choice in whether the relationship is good or not as well. Really, it is up to you. But like the others, I suggest a time limit. Why waste life on something that will cause you to be miserable. He has the power to choose as well. What the others are suggesting is that you work on the other aspects of a relationship. Build up that good will, and perhaps, he will be willing to listen. Tbh, that may be a hit and miss, and the flip side is also being more attached to him. The cost is if that does not work, it will be harder to detach and leave. After all, you will be strengthening that bond. Every choice you make will have probable consequences to you. So, there is a chance of you going through more pain as well, but there is also a chance that he will want to save the relationship. Just want to give some realistic expectations here. It is a gamble either way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I meant was that having to go to a doctor every week for a shot that had something to do with his 'manhood' was most likely pretty damn shaming for him. Having to see those people week after week, knowing that 'they know' he hasn't been performing and has to be 'fixed.'


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> he will be over the moon about this...
> 
> OP, you need to accept there is a mismatch. If you can't deal with it, you'll have to let it go... it's frustrating when there is a "cure" and your partner doesn't want to go down that road. I've been there. You can only detach and mind your own business for a while but, as I said before - and in my opinion - your husband will be relieved and things won't change... he doesn't need sex, or not as much as you do. He feels haunted and the more pressure you put on him, the worse it will get.
> 
> ...


Yes, there is a mismatch. He disagrees. He says he IS interested, but that I just don't notice or pick up on it. It's a battle that is just becoming weary. I am physically and emotionally beat after three days of constant fighting. Going to work tomorrow will be a vacation. We discussed reevaluationg things again in three months. He then proceeded to tell me that there wouldn't be anything physical during those three months, as unless he knew if I was staying or going, he has no interest in being physical. So yes, he is probably pretty relieved right now that he is "off the hook" for at least three months.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

FizzBomb said:


> OP, I want to address the low T side of things. Your husband doesn't want to go for shots every week. How about a bioidentical testosterone cream that he applies to the scrotum every morning after his shower? My husband had low T - low sex drive, depressed, grumpy, lacked motivation. He started on the test cream and he is a different man. After your husband stopped the test shots most likely his mood became depressed again and he lost his sexual desire. Maybe you both could agree to try the 3 month sexual hiatus but see if he is willing to try the bio testosterone cream while simultaneously working on other aspects of your relationship. You've got nothing to lose. If he's on the cream the pair of you may not make it to the 1 month mark without having sex. I wish you the best.



Yes, he actually started with the gels, but didn't get anything out of them - or didn't think he did. He gave up on that and went with the shots. I saw a difference. He still claims to this day that he felt no different. If I even say the word 'T' it is a blow-up. I'm at a loss. I flat out just feel hopeless. Don't know any other way to describe it. Believe me, if I thought the cream or gel would work, I would have suggested it.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> However you decide to go, I suggest getting help to deal with the anger and resentment. Chances are, even if you have sex again, you still will have to work on the negative emotions towards him. There is a good chance that you will be angry that he did not do what he can on his end. The whole paralyze thing versus not being paralyze is situational. In one scenario, that is beyond his control. The other, he can find ways to deal with it, but he picked his ego over the relationship. I suggested to you in the past where you get your sexual needs met elsewhere if he is willing to allow that to occur. There are marriages that end up being companionship marriage, and the sexual needs is met outside the relationship. Here is another thing that some might not have considered. He may not seek help. There was research done where people will ignore their medical conditions until it ruins their lives. People will not like to acknowledge their flaws, or see themselves as defective. This could be the case with your husband, we do not know yet. He may not want to acknowledge that he has a problem, and he will attack you because you are reminding him of that fact. He may not change until a divorce is upon him. There has to be something strong enough to motivate him. Their is a chance that he may pick his ego over the relationship ending. He has a choice in whether the relationship is good or not as well. Really, it is up to you. But like the others, I suggest a time limit. Why waste life on something that will cause you to be miserable. He has the power to choose as well. What the others are suggesting is that you work on the other aspects of a relationship. Build up that good will, and perhaps, he will be willing to listen. Tbh, that may be a hit and miss, and the flip side is also being more attached to him. The cost is if that does not work, it will be harder to detach and leave. After all, you will be strengthening that bond. Every choice you make will have probable consequences to you. So, there is a chance of you going through more pain as well, but there is also a chance that he will want to save the relationship. Just want to give some realistic expectations here. It is a gamble either way.


Soooo much of this makes sense. I also thought about how if I try to take emphasis off of that and work on other areas that I am just going to get more attached and then wind up being more hurt.........but yet if I don't, I am struggling and in pain daily with the way things are. You are right, every choice will have consequences. I wish I knew which path to follow. It truly is a gamble either way ((((( I also don't think getting needs meet elsewhere is really what I need. It's more the CONNECTION that I need with him vs. any physical act itself. If I had a need met elsewhere, that need would be a connection, which would mean I didn't need to be with him in the first place. I hope that made sense ((

For sure, the thing that really hit me with your post is about the anger and resentment............I do have lots of it (((( And it scares me. I may never be able to get back what we had because of that anger and resentment. It just really, really scares me.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> What I meant was that having to go to a doctor every week for a shot that had something to do with his 'manhood' was most likely pretty damn shaming for him. Having to see those people week after week, knowing that 'they know' he hasn't been performing and has to be 'fixed.'


ohhhh, I see, Turnera.........hadn't thought about it like that, but I do see what you are saying. Maybe guys are just not as accepting as girls? I would do whatever it took to get myself fixed..............to me it would be just that important. But I see your point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, men typically are FAR less likely to even go to a doctor, period, part of all that 'men don't cry' crap. I still remember standing at the bus stop in junior high, watching all the boys freezing their butts off because they couldn't be seen "needing" a coat. All part of the same boat. So when it's going to a doctor for 'that' stuff, even worse.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Yes, he actually started with the gels, but didn't get anything out of them - or didn't think he did. He gave up on that and went with the shots. I saw a difference. He still claims to this day that he felt no different. If I even say the word 'T' it is a blow-up. I'm at a loss. I flat out just feel hopeless. Don't know any other way to describe it. Believe me, if I thought the cream or gel would work, I would have suggested it.


My husband has the white cream. It takes a while to work, as in about 2-4 weeks. The changes are subtle but noticeable after a few weeks. However, as you say none of these suggestions will help if your husband isn't willing to try various options.

You say that you two fight/argue every weekend - that's quite a lot of fighting. Just an observation. I think you both need to get that side of things nailed down first. Have you tried "Active Listening". Look it up. It's great for NOT getting arguments started and also for diffusing arguments. Was there any infidelity in your marriage at any point? I don't know if you've covered this before but do you know where your anger and resentments are coming from? It maybe worthwhile for you to get some individual counseling. Mr Fisty may have the right of it - maybe your husband needs a stick of dynamite lit under his butt.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> Just a thought outside of all this: If a year ago, he was in a tragic accident, that left him paralyzied waist down, and could not perform sexually.... would you have wanted to leave him at the 22 year point? Knowing how things had been for 2013-2014?


There's a BIG difference between a spouse not wanting and completely disregarding their spouse's needs and not being able to have sex.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

This is a great new development. I'm very sorry to hear it, but at least in this post you've said more about your husband's side of the marriage. And what you've said isn't very pleasant. You deserve to be happy, and so does he. He clearly isn't doing his part for whatever reason. And that's on him to fix.

He was being very manipulative when he demanded that you not bring up the big D word. That was his way of challenging you and trying to control you. It was also his way of avoiding dealing with his own issues. If you could just get you to shut up life would be great, right? 

I think you do the absolutely correct thing by telling him it's time for the big D. Now he has a stark choice - either be all in on the marriage, or all out. He is initially said he's out. But you'll have to give them a little bit of time to process this. 

In the meantime you continue to work on you, Separate your feelings, and start to think of a life where you're in charge of yourself.

You've tried counseling and he just never accepted it. You tried to help him with his low T and he just never accepted it. He needs to except his situation, and his life, and his marriage.and he needs to work a hell of a lot harder to be a good husband.

I absolutely agree that this can be tremendously emasculating from him. He clearly has to work through that, but he should see a counselor to do that. Or he can see a sex therapist. If he is unwilling to get help, there's very little you can do.

Good luck. You'll either end up divorced in able to start a new life without so much difficulties, or you'll get a chance to reconnect and change your dynamic. Either one is a win


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Deleted


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> After 23 years of marriage - with a lot of GOODS as well as not-so-goods - I guess I finally reached my breaking point. We have not had but maybe a weekend here and there since the first of the year where we haven't had a blow-up. It's just gotten to where I don't care anymore. I'm not blaming him, nor am I putting all of the blame on me, either. The LD thing is really what was behind it all to begin with, but I find it spilling more and more into other aspects of our R (ripple effect, I guess)...........he says I don't want to do anything with him anymore which he is probably correct, because I have so much resentment built up over the other stuff. We both wind up yelling and can't see each others' points of view and just are getting further and further off the path. I have been seeing a counselor, he agreed to go and we've only had one appointment together so far, but I thought were headed in the right direction. I can't believe I said it, but I finally told him I had had enough. I'm a mix of emotions right now- mad, sad, TERRIFIED...........I still love him, but just don't think I can take going on like that week after week. We had reached a compromise of 1x a week, though it always seemed so obligatory to him. I just got tired of always feeling like I was another chore to him. He really let me have it as he stormed out today............told me I wanted a dog to follow me around and do what I wanted it to on demand and 'good luck finding somebody to do that'..................I swear, I don't think I was asking for the moon. To be loved in 'that' way, to have physical contact because the other person WANTS it.........and to be made to feel like there is something wrong with me ((( I don't even know what to feel anymore..............and don't even know why I am writing this. I am just a non-functional mess right now and need to get it out and I guess hear from somebody that I will be o.k. and that there isn't something 'wrong' with me ((((
> 
> Sunshine
> 
> PS - forgot to say - we had a good couple of years when he agreed to get his T checked and it was determined he was low. He quit taking the shots because he got tired of going every week and since then, things changed. He swears that I am making it up in my mind that it is the shots and that I am clinging on to the belief that things have changed since he stopped when it's untrue. Honestly, I do feel like that is a big part of it, but yet that topic is OFF LIMITS. Can't mention the shots without him blowing up even worse. Forgot to mention that above, but it is important to the big picture of my story.


Do you know if he's taking matters into how own hands if you know what I mean. If he is then the problem isn't his T it's your relationship.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

It sucks being the HD partner in a relationship. You feel second-class and unappreciated and the LD just doesn't get it and often seems like they don't even care. It's amazing how blissful the relationship is during the short periods where the drives match, or even the couple days after S.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

When there is a difference in drive or incompatible sexually, couples' lives are troubled it seems. I could see why your husband would not want to go for weekly shots and if he is feeling he is just obligating you then there is going to be hard feelings on his part. Does your husband have no desire to have sex? Is there something more going on there? Could he be using porn? How is your marriage otherwise? Is this the only part of your life that is not good?

The thing about making an ultimatum is sticking to it. If you are ready to leave contact a counselor to help you thru the process. It takes a bit to get out of a 23 years in a marriage. I have been married 24 years and am divorcing my husband. This is what I want, I finally hit my limit and like you I had lots of fears and uncertainly to face. It is a process and only you know if you are ready. For me, I feel I have made the best choice for myself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> His whole disposition changed when his T was back at a reasonable level. He got treatment and life was great. I just wish with all of my heart I could get the 'old' him back (((


Here is a last ditch B.S. solution.

Go back to that same doctor and get the T-Gel packs. Rub it on him [anywhere bare skin] when he is sleeping. Wash your hands afterwards. YOU TOO will get horny.....more horny!

Or, try putting it inside his clean underpants. I am not sure how much will transfer from the cotton shorts after it dries. Worth a try. 

Some insurance companies may not pay for the gel packs. They work OK. Shots are better. You can give them. Practice on an orange. When proficient inject in fatty part of buttocks.

I know............he won't do this, hence the secret use of the gel.


WTF is the matter with him? Turnera is spot on. He is emotionally broken over this [performance thing] and something else.

Something else=ED. He was a horny man with ED. Maybe ED for psychological reasons..something causing this.

It is a very complicated process, this swelling SOB. 


Not good for a man's EGO........nope. That is why he quit. I suspect going every week was a pain. By upping the dose, he could go every three weeks....or not, if YOU do the injecting. He could do it himself, not easy, but doable.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I'm looking for his reaction to when he realized you were serious about leaving. About divorce. So far all he looks like is someone who still thinks he has all the cards. He thinks you're bluffing. I think so too. Legitimate threats CAN work. Called bluffs just make it all so much harder.


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