# I've been deceived - need advise, please!



## Mistaken

I have been married for only 6weeks. This is my 2nd marriage and my husband's 3rd marriage, and we are in our 50s. 

While we were dating, I asked H if he had children, he said no. I just found out that he adopted his first wife's child. He married this woman when he was very young and adopted the child when he was an infant. I confronted him about this and he said that he has not had a relationship with his child since the divorce and therefore just somehow put it in his mind that he didn't have any children even though he does have an adopted child- What do you think? I feel duped.

I really am very confused and need advise - thank you. We are both christians, but I feel like a truck has hit me.

Thanks.


----------



## Jellybeans

What we think is irrelevant. If you feel duped, tell him. Talk it out.


----------



## Mistaken

> What we think is irrelevant. If you feel duped, tell him. Talk it out.



I have. He said he didn't intentionally lie to me. He just doesn't ever see the child, nor talk to him and being that he is not blood related, he just convinced himself that he doesn't have any children. I see it a whole different way so we are at an impasse.


----------



## heavensangel

Your H explanation sounds plausible to me in a way.......if you don't have a relationship (see, talk, communicate) with a relative than it may get to the point where you no longer recognize them as family. 

I think you have determine by how important it is to your relationship and go from there. Is it a deal breaker him having this adopted child? Or is it more the fact that he lied/kept it from you that's bothering you?


----------



## Mistaken

I don't care that he has a child. It is most definately the lying that has me so torn. And, I found out that he did not adopt the child, he put his name on the birth certificate so for all intents and purposes, it is his child. So to me it a lie on a lie. I really am very confused. I feel like our marriage is so young having to deal with such deception. I honestly feel like the dynamics have changed so drastically and I'm not sure I can put it back on track.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Maybe he thought biological children? He didn't father any children. I don't know?


----------



## heavensangel

I found out that he did not adopt the child, he put his name on the birth certificate so for all intents and purposes, it is his child.

This sounds familiar.....My H current last name was given to him by the man in his mother's life at the time he was born - he didn't adopt my H either, just gave H his last name. In the 'Father' section of H birth certificate it says 'declines to state' and the mother's maiden name is in the 'Mother's' section. Knowing what we know, given MIL never tells the truth, we've deduced he was given this gentleman's name simply to get military benefits for H medical bills, etc? Not really sure. H and this man have never had a real close relationship to the point H doesn't consider him his dad. This doesn't help with the lying issue - but thought it might help explain the lack of 'parental closeness' your H has with this child. 

As far as the lying - there's NO EXCUSE to ever lie to the one you've pledged to love until death. Lying causes so much damage that the liar just doesn't see. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. Makes you question everything about your relationship; wonder what is real. Maybe sitting down with him and discussing with him the damage lying does to a relationship? How it's made you look at everything he's said to this point and wondering what's fact/fiction? This one is always a toughie to deal with.


----------



## Mistaken

Just it. He doesn't think he lied. He just didn't tell me the whole truth. And up until the divorce, H and child had a close relationship.


----------



## heavensangel

I see.... How old was the child when they divorced? Was your H required to pay child support?


----------



## SadSamIAm

My problem with your story isn't whether he lied or not. He didn't technically lie. No big deal.

The problem is that he held back important information about who he is. He is someone who can adopt a child, have a close relationship with the child and then just leave and pretend the child doesn't exist. Many people would consider this information a 'deal breaker'.


----------



## Mistaken

> The problem is that he held back important information about who he is. He is someone who can adopt a child, have a close relationship with the child and then just leave and pretend the child doesn't exist. Many people would consider this information a 'deal breaker'.


Okay, now you understand what the emotions that I am feeling. I asked this question and his answer was this is the only way he was able to cope with it. To realize that the child was only a step child - it was his safety net for self preservation. He didn't want to end the relationship, the son just quit. The son is now well in his 30s.


----------



## Starstarfish

Only you can answer the question about how deeply this bothers you.

But - having a name on a birth certificate doesn't magically make someone "the real father for all intents and purposes." Some states won't allow you to put a man on a birth certificate if you aren't legally married at the time of the birth, even if both you and he recognize that he is the father. Other states allow the mother to name anyone. My father put his name on my birth certificate - he never paid child support after my parents divorced (I was three at the time), and I've met him - twice in my life. So - while it was I suppose kind that his name was on my birth certificate so I wasn't outed as a bastard, in real terms - it meant absolutely nothing. 

A signature and a piece of paper doesn't compel someone to act like a real parent any more than a marriage certificate suddenly makes people stop cheating or other marriage-busting behaviors. That's a conviction that has to come from within. 

I think that's what would bother me more - that he knowingly married a woman who had a child by another man (what do you know about that, btw?) and then - adopted the child, planning at the time to spend a lifetime with them. And as soon as the divorce was final (how old was the child at that time?) he just walked away. How did the son "quit?" Was he old enough to make that decision - did your H never want/request visitation?
Why? Even at the time, did he always consider the child "just a step-child?"

This requires some more serious conversation.


----------



## Mistaken

He's shut down. He said he has been battered enough and wants to annull (if we can) the marriage. If not, move out until I can learn to forgive him.

I don't know what to do.


----------



## sharkeey

Mistaken said:


> He's shut down. He said he has been battered enough and wants to annull (if we can) the marriage. If not, move out until I can learn to forgive him.
> 
> I don't know what to do.


I don't blame him for shutting down.

For all practical purposes he has no children, he definitely has no biological children, you asked him about the apparent contradiction, he gave you his best explanation and you continue to beat him up over it.

Either let it go or get an annulment.

Personally I think you're being completely unreasonable and there are much worse problems in marriages and relationships but hey that's your call.


----------



## Jellybeans

How long did you date for?



Mistaken said:


> I don't know what to do.


What do you want to do?


----------



## Mistaken

> I don't blame him for shutting down.
> 
> For all practical purposes he has no children, he definitely has no biological children, you asked him about the apparent contradiction, he gave you his best explanation and you continue to beat him up over it.
> 
> Either let it go or get an annulment.
> 
> Personally I think you're being completely unreasonable and there are much worse problems in marriages and relationships but hey that's your call.


Thank you for being so blunt. I needed that.

I really have trust issues. My second marriage failed due to my ex-h affair that started after one year of marriage. His affair lasted a year before I found out so frankly our marriage was over very quickly. 

And, you're right. He did explain and he is quite hurt right now. I was sacastically mean to him because it was like I was reliving an affair, the lying, the deception - it greatly affected me. I know that I have built this wall around me to protect my heart and this caught me totally off guard when I found out that what he told me wasn't true. 

Thank you again because it the grand scheme of things, this is VERY minor.


----------



## sharkeey

Mistaken said:


> Thank you again because it the grand scheme of things, this is VERY minor.


You're welcome. Now go tell him you're sorry you gave him such a hard time, have great sex and go have fun together.

I really should start charging for my great advice.


----------



## Starstarfish

While you might accept this situation as "VERY minor" - what about the thought that it was so easily brought up about an annulment or that you could move out until you get over it?

I think I'd ponder about rather than immediately take all the heat here for over-reacting.


----------



## sharkeey

Starstarfish said:


> While you might accept this situation as "VERY minor" - what about the thought that it was so easily brought up about an annulment or that you could move out until you get over it?
> 
> I think I'd ponder about rather than immediately take all the heat here for over-reacting.


It sounds like something hubby might have said when he reached his limit from all the badgering he was getting. He probably had nothing else to say, he apologized numerous times, he can't change the past or what he said or didn't say and she kept at it until he just sort of popped and said "look, if you can't deal with it then let's end the marriage" or words to that effect.


----------



## Mark72

Mistaken said:


> I have. He said he didn't intentionally lie to me. He just doesn't ever see the child, nor talk to him and being that he is not blood related, he just convinced himself that he doesn't have any children. I see it a whole different way so we are at an impasse.


My father did the same thing with my half-sister. She is not my blood sister, my father's 2nd wife (after my mom). He adopted her. They got divorced, he pretty much wrote her off and considers himself to be a father to 2 - my brother and I. 
I don't condone it, but the falling out was pretty rough. 

Just after reading your 1st two posts, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## costa200

Nice guys usually do this kind of idiotic move of "adopting" kids of their wives that aren't theirs. Somehow they fail to see that it places them in all sorts of problems like this one. 

We don't know what went down. He got divorced from the mother and he felt no compulsion to pretend to be the "father". His mistake was to do the foolish move of signing a legal paper identifying himself as the father. 

But for all effects he is not. Not biologically, not emotionally. No connection at all except that signature in a piece of paper. For all effects he has no children of his own.

Personally i think you're over-reacting. But if you make such a big deal out of such a flaky subject then i'm going to say perhaps you should get that annulment. You don't seem to really want to be married to this guy. Marriage throws all sorts of hardships at you. If this situation is that big of a deal then this marriage will probably stumble and die at the outbreak of real problems.


----------



## michzz

He could be on tap for child support and possibly college fees, yeah, even that, if he is the legal parent.

So this concern is nontrivial.

Follow up about the legalities. Then move on.


----------



## Meal

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Maybe he thought biological children? He didn't father any children. I don't know?


I would assume he was thinking the question referred to his own offspring and not an adopted child who was left with the ex-wife.

This is one that you can probably let slide, because an adopted child (to a man) does not mean his seed, or his blood... But simply an adopted and probably much loved baby (that was never his in the first place).


----------

