# What did your spouse/significant other do to show committment after an A?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I can't believe that 15 months after D-Day I'm still getting hit with the aftershocks of H's Affair. I don't feel like he is stepping up to deal with it either. But I'd like your opinions on that. 

First a question. For those who were cheated on. Did your spouse or significant other do something special to show that they are recommitted? If so what and how? 

H was stupid enough to have an A with woman who lived on our street. I have 2 young kids who play with kids in the neighborhood and then new the OW well, she was a friend and often babysat for them (even while A going on!). 

I believe she told only one person after D-Day but that person had a LOUD mouth and a few months after D-Day threw it in my face when she got mad at me for asking her foul mouthed daughter to leave my house.She did it in front of the kids (now you know where little girl got foul mouth). That was incident #1. 

Then #2 just happened in which my H's supposed best friend (who did not know of the A) got drunk at a party that my H had to miss due to being out of town and he confronted me as to why we didn't confide in him. He told me he was "the last to find out". We have large circle of friends about 40 or so in the neighborhood. I did tell one of my closest friends, the only person I ever told. Turns out she made sure all 40 found out and he was last so he was pissed at me! (Yeah I know nice friends, I now have nothing to do with them). 

However, it seems that these people who have no skeletons in their closet (oh but they do, they have cheated on each other, lied, gossiped, etc. but I say nothing, don't spread their gossip) have ostracized me. Why??? Well I did confront the person I told. I texted her and said "How could you tell people? I trused you?" she replied that she never told anyone my husband blabbed. The last person who wanted anyone to know. So I knew she was lying (and my H's best friend who was yelling at me confirmed her as the source). No yelling, no calling her names. That was the extent of my "confrontation". Now they all shun me. Not that I want to speak to them but they have ALL gone out of their way to act as if I am dirt. 

So I feel like I have this huge Scarlet A...mind you I'm the cheated on one not the cheater...in my own damn neighborhood. The only thing I am worried about is my kids end up getting it. 

My H said he was going to speak to his friend. He never did, its been over a month, he never will. He simply will never talk to him again. I don't want him to get angry I just want him to tell him face to face how wrong that was and how he hurt both of us and now how all of his friends are now treating me. In other words, as a best friend he should have stood up to them too! 

I now realize my H is waaaay too passive. Maye too passive for me. The A fits him, it was not something he had to confront. To tell me we have issues in our marriage. He simply went out and tried to find what he was missing. It didn't work, didn't help in fact made it worse but even though he was losing interest wouldn't even commit to breaking it off. When he started treating me like crap at the end, and I confronted him for the first time he said something that hurt someone. That was me. The only person he's ever really stood up to is me, and it crushed me but never stood up for me. 

His parents treated me like crap at one point. One point screaming at me and calling me names in front of my kids (long story but they have a long history of playing favorites between my two kids and telling us how to raise them). He wasn't there but he never confronted them. His brother (I'm sure was told awful stories by his parents) sent me an email once accusing me of things I never did in reply to a very mundane joke I forwarded (not offensive at all) he hit "reply all" and all my friends and colleagues at work got his reply about what an awful sister in law I was. My Husband simply never talked to him for a couple of years but never spoke of this incident. As of today my Brother in law has said it was stupid and he has no idea why he did it but it was wrong. But he came to that conclusion on his own. 

Publicly my H has humiliated me. I understand he didn't spread the rumors but he did have the A and the woman he did have the A with is responsible for telling someone who is a known gossip. Other than our wedding day, my H has never publicly acknowledged he feels about me. Am I wrong in expecting this?

As far as how I have risked everything for him.
1) When I had all the evidence he was having an A I believed him when he denied it. He made a total fool of me. 
2) I took him back after he lied and cheated and was mentally abusive
3) I protected his reputation and actually lied when this came out to protect him. 
and I continously show how much my family means to me in the photos I take, the journaling that I do along with it. I share that with family and friends. I post pictures of him and my kids proudly on FB and before that on my desk, carry in my wallet etc.

He avoids. His way of sticking up for me is just not to speak to the offender again. Oddly enough, physically he's not a passive guy. He's very athletic and on the field no matter what sport he will get very physical. But I'm not looking for anyone who wants to start bar fights. Only someone who will stand up and say "I don't like the way you treated my wife and I think you should apologize." 

In reconciling he hid 80% of the truth and I had to pull it out to the point that I am not sure I can ever trust him. People who are truthful should not hide parts of the truth. It took over a year to learn what I have learned now. I mentioned renewing of vows (but I'll not be the one to plan it, I didn't break the original vows) and he got all excited but has let it go. I think he may be planning something now but only because I really let him have it the other day and told him that although he publicly humiliated and embarrassed me and showed everyone how he does not respect our marriage, he has not shown how he does respect it. So I think he will plan the renewing of the vows but I think because I've forced his hand. Its too late to stand up to his parents, brother or even the best friend. All the damage is done and I told him not to bother now. On my own I have repaired the relationships in my own way to where we are all comfortable again so anything else would be rocking the boat and I simply don't want anything to do with the friends so not to bother.

I get so sad when I see my friends on FB post a video they made of their family or photos they put together in a slide show to music. Just little posts they say about their "Beautiful wife" or something like that. He would never do that. Has never even carried a picture of me. He said its because his wallet is too thick but for years he carried pics of the kids (although those are gone now too). I can accept the wallet thing, it is thick enough but he also never wore a wedding ring either. I was ok with that too (my Dad never wore one and he's the most faithful man I've ever met but he hates jewelry period.) so all that was ok. Then one day my H cheated and it got me to thinking. 

How the hell does he ever show he loves me? Is it enough to show in public affection? Should I be happy with this. I just feel this empty feeling ...which was not there before all this. Is it insecurity on my part or will pass, or maybe I've grown to need more and he can't or won't provide it?


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

A,

Again after 15 months time for deep decision making.

Will you be posting same issues for 30 mths thereafter.

Think both in the box and out of it.

Remember things never going to be the same.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

It sounds like you need a fundamental change in your marriage and the way your husband acts towards you. He may or may not be capable of this. In my case, my partner is finally learning to be less passive about telling me about things that bother him (bottling those things up drove us apart and led to the A). Change is possible. In our case, therapy helped. Have you seen a counselor at any point?

It might be time to put down an ultimatum that you work on these issues in counseling, or you will leave. It sounds like your entire neighborhood/social circle/support network has fallen apart anyway and a fresh start somewhere else might not be a terrible thing. Change is scary but it's better than unhappiness.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Victorian,
Answer is, I have no idea...my feelings change so rapidly. This is a good week. Not sure why, seems no rhyme or reason I'm very busy at work this week and quite stressed. Trying to hold on and build on these good feelings. I'm just not sure if its me who expects something "extra" or is it the day to day things that count most???

NightOwl,
Would love to move. I live in one of the top 5 state hit with housing issues. We are way upside down. No possibility of moving, financially. To the question on counseling, in the beginning we went and it was his idea...well as a last resort. I'd suggested counseling before I knew he was cheating but felt something wrong and he said no but ironically agreed to go for himself (he was suffering from depression I just didn't know why, I thought midlife didn't realize guilt..) anyway when I found out I made him leave. Then he asked me to go to counseling. It was very good and we went for awhile, thought we were "healed". So we stopped. If I asked him, he would go. But that feels like me solving problems again (therapist said he's passive, I solve. He said we have to break that cycle.) I'm obviously going through ups and downs so was hoping he would suggest it. He's supportive and we'll open discussion when I'm struggling. This is a major difference before he'd just pretend nothing was wrong. However, that doesn't mean he opens up. We talk about what's on my mind not his. I used to be fine with that, accepted him the way he was but it led to the problems in our relationship. 

I know its going to take a long time to heal. I am just hoping that its possible to heal. I haven't shared all the details, some are too painful to talk about but it lasted a long time, and during that time he was mentally abusive to me and he stopped being there as a father too. My son had health problems and I was alone in resolving some very complicated issues. I was supporting us financially 10-12 hour days, taking care of both kids, and dealing with a health crisis, but still found a way to be at each one of there activities. While doing this I find out he's messing with the OW and had the nerve to say something about me no longer working out, for starters. 

I do bring this up and discuss it, and he is extremely ashamed. Yet its hard to let go. As a result, I never miss a workout - 6 days a week no matter how many hours I work. 

Scars run deep. Yet when I have weeks like this I think that I can let these things go.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

There are about three or so couples taking the 101 Day Sex Challenge™ that I'm a coach of that have gone through affairs.

It's a rough road to travel, but they are making it through. Some of the things that are helping them is having others in that situation to talk to. 

They've worked at creating new memories on the dates that were significant in the whole "affair", for example "she" found out about it on November of last year, so this November they went on a three day retreat, just the two of them. One couple is renewing their wedding vows. But what counts the most is for you to have efforts made that are efforts YOU need to see. Complete honesty with you would be a big start, what else would help YOU?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I am so sorry that you are still in so much anger with your husband. I know your mad because it hit you so close to home with it being your friend. BUT seriously most affairs happen close to home. And you cant just target your husband its just as much her fault as it is his. It sucks I know I lost a best friend and she was like the sister I never had. I had so much anger towards him like he did it so I wouldnt have that close friendship anymore. But I have to move forward or get rid of him. And I think that you need to sit back and say DO I LOVE HIM? or is this causing me to much pain to be with him. Cause you are in ALOT of pain.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Stop hating your role in your marriage. Your husband has his srengths and weaknesses, and so do you. He can no more be a different person than you can. He may not rank an A+ in all aspects but noone does, we all have things, like confrontation, that we dont do well. Just because he is a man or athletic does not endow him with the ability to know how to defend your feelings properly, any more than having boobs makes you a good teacher of children, or baker of cookies.

A good team does not consist of members all good in the same way, but of people willing to accept and try to compensate for the weakness of others and try to shine thier best at what they are able too. I know this about your situation though, holding your family together is the best thing you can do. 

This drama will pass in time, turbulent waves will fade into ripples and then to stillness again, its what we hang on to when we are being tossed and turned that defines who we are. Your husband was not strong enough at one point, but you were, and you have helped him to become stronger with your love and you know he will not fail again. It is a burden to be the one to hold things together, but thats the only way to get what you want out of life. 

You need to find a deeper foundation to stand on, a reason to believe you are making the best choice you can with the options you have. That reason is the great life you can still have for your family if you can find the right attitude to enjoy it again.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

PLEASE READ: His Needs Her Needs (Willard Harley) - WITH HIM. Trust me. Someone in this forum recommended it. I really liked it. And now my H gets me a little more. It helps us understand each other.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your perspective and opinions. This is whay I posted the question. I don't think its fair for me to expect him to make it up to me the way I would. He is not me. But is what he is doing enough. That's a really tough question. It seems the consensus here is that we are all different and the attempt is what matters most. So I will try to go with that. 

Its been a good week for me, so I will keep trying to build on that. As for things he is doing, these are little but meaningful things. I work from home and I work a lot of hours but its been necessary and supported us in his slow times. He has now picked up and is busy too but he recognizes I can't turn it on and turn it off so now we are in sync with take the work while you can get it. But he makes me coffee the way I like it every morning and gets the kids off to school so I can get to work faster and hopefully get finished sooner. This morning he woke up early to have breakfast and coffee made. He also is always willing to listen when I need to talk (he used to blow me off before, or anything negative at all and he would be "you are blowing this all out of proportion everything is fine...when it wasn't fine at all.) He still does not talk much about what he is feeling. 

Ok so except him for who he is right? That is what I have always done, and loved him in spite of his faults. He got to a point where he pointed out all of mine and committed this biggest betrayal ever. The therapist said that while many things that led up to it, his avoidance of the issue caused this to really blow up and to be successful he cannot avoid communicating. 

He still has some work to do there, but sounds like everyone is saying work with him. He did lie about what happened, downplayed it and flat lied and I've had to pull every detail but aside from that he has lived up to his word for nearly a year and a half. I can no sooner put a timeframe on my healing than he can change so I suppose as long as he is honest and faithful and can allow me to heal in my time I will accept him the way he is and build on the positive moments.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I am so sorry that you are still in so much anger with your husband. I know your mad because it hit you so close to home with it being your friend. BUT seriously most affairs happen close to home. And you cant just target your husband its just as much her fault as it is his. It sucks I know I lost a best friend and she was like the sister I never had. I had so much anger towards him like he did it so I wouldnt have that close friendship anymore. But I have to move forward or get rid of him. And I think that you need to sit back and say DO I LOVE HIM? or is this causing me to much pain to be with him. Cause you are in ALOT of pain.


Trust me, I have so much more anger for her. I've read that's actually healthy a way of preserving the relationship with my H. Though not healthy for her. I'm a gentle person, until you mess with my family. She's a real dumba## but smart enough to realize that. I have no regrets losing her as a friend....good riddance.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey AZ - Didn't you say in a post a while back that your H works a few hours away and is gone for days sometimes? I might be confused, but I'm going to guess that you have lots of nights alone - which is when a lot of these emotions come up (in my case anyway). Why don't you guys try to work something out that changes that? Try to not be alone as much, then you'll have less time to think about this stuff. He clearly is preoccupied with a busy life. Yours sounds busy too, but its the lonely nights that are a killer. What options might there be? Yes the housing market is bad, but life is important. Spend some productive time figuring out how to make a change in your lives that will prevent you from being alone with your thoughts. My H knows its the worst place to leave me. In case anyone can't tell from my out of the blue appearance again on the site after dropping off, yes he's traveling again. I HATE it. We've changed a lot of our routine - and in general he does NOT travel with out me. (New rule.) But there will be those times - like now - that he just had to. SUCKS. I'm guessing you have too much night time alone. Solve it sister. Its your life. Don't waste it.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

It sounds like although he may not be doing everything you want/expect/need, he is trying. The making breakfast,helping with kids etc. - while not huge things they are definitely ways he is trying to show you he cares, loves you and is trying. 

It will be 2 months next week that I found out about my H's A. I know we have a ways to go but we are doing really well. Happier than we've been in years and SO in love. And my H too is doing all those little things. Well, I don't get breakfast (LOL), but he helps ALOT more with the kids, cleans up the dishes after supper, folds clothes, makes kids lunches, etc. He is really trying to "make it up" to me. Granted he can never make it up and make it go away BUT he can show me every day by doing things that he loves me and is sorry for what he did as best he can and it seems your H is doing the same. 

I think for you it's important your H continues to work on his communication as that is a big issue for you. You just need to talk to him, express that and why it's important. No blaming, no accusations just why it's important to you and your relationship, etc.

You're right, there will be times it's difficult but as you said focus on the positives and hopefully there will end up being so many positives, the negative will have a harder time filling your thoughts!  Hang in there!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you for the much needed encouragement. 

StillinShock - that was a temporary situatin (working out of town) but you are right and I am actually alone too much (work from home), all this contributes, I have too much time by myself to dwell.


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