# Dealing with resentment



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

I have come to find out that there may be some resentment and anger. This is a sensitive topic for men, I believe because there are men that are not willing to talk about internal things like women sort of do in their own way. 

What are ways I am able to talk about resentment with a cancer sign male? Remember Cancer signs are very sensitive to any topic and the way a person can come across. I don't even know where to begin or how to begin to discuss this with my partner. 

Any opinions or advice is appreciated!! Thanks


----------



## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Not really much detail to go on here. Why is he resentful? What actions have you taken to cause the resentment? If you've got a guy that doesn't talk much, maybe changing the action that causes resentment would be the best place to start?


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Well, there have things that I have said in the past that he will say that I have insulted when I am telling him the truth about things in our relationship. There have been times he has felt ignored when it is not what I'm doing. He feels he is not listened to. He really doesn't talk to me much anymore b/c he believes that I either don't want to listen or I will say "well maybe you should've, could've not done such and such..." or if I well that is why such and such acted the she or he did b/c you..... " He grinds his teeth at certain things that make no sense why he would angry about such a little petty thing. Easily angry and depressed. These 2 flip occasionally. He always says, everything he does for me is never good enough. Main phrase is " I can never win for losing" or Damn if I do, Damn if I don't". But I am usually letting him know i appreciate things and thank him for doing things. So I really don't know much about what is going on here. I feel naive at this point.


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

I am not sure if this will help but I am a sagittarius which technically means that we are not compatible as they say.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--

if you want to talk about past hurts, then say i need to talk about something, whens a good time. or if you have already set aside time for daily disscussions, then bring up one thing.

say you were wrong, or at the time didnt understand fully what was said....if it starts getting heated, cut it till a later time.

its true some men dont like to talk about past issues. you have to make it a light disscussion, and not place blame or make light of his feelings.

tell him, that you dont want to restart an arguement, but understand what was being said. sometimes it takes a while to settle mis-understandings.

you just have to reenforce that this is not about who was right and who was wrong, but how can "we" learn fron the past, so its not repeated in the future.

and as ive said, if the talk gets arguementive, let it go. say lets talk about this later next week. its important to say, its not about proving who was the victor in the battle.

talking it out calmly and with out accusing, is the way to over come past resentments.


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

thanks , I thnk I will try that.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you want to speak to your guy about resentments, speak to him, as himself. Not about astrological signs and such.

Just relate to him as the individual that he is.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Miss J said:


> He grinds his teeth at certain things that make no sense why he would angry about such a little petty thing.


Well, it’s so very obviously not a petty little thing to him! And you saying it is is very demeaning and totally belittling of who the man is! And all that will do is add to his resentment.

Resentment is cleared through forgiveness. Have you told him you are sorry you offended and upset him and asked him to forgive you?

Bob


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Judging someone else's feelings is a quick ticket to Argument City.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Miss J said:


> He really doesn't talk to me much anymore b/c he believes that I either don't want to listen or I will say "well maybe you should've, could've not done such and such..." or if I well that is why such and such acted the she or he did b/c you..... "


This is a flawing listening technique. Sounds like you typically jump into 'fix it' mode when he is upset about something. Most times when a person is discussing something upsetting to them, they want someone to understand how the situation made them feel. They want to talk about their emotions regarding the situation. It's called empathy. Empathy first - solutions later. Try it next time. (It does take some practice...)


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Well, it’s so very obviously not a petty little thing to him! And you saying it is is very demeaning and totally belittling of who the man is! And all that will do is add to his resentment.
> 
> Resentment is cleared through forgiveness. Have you told him you are sorry you offended and upset him and asked him to forgive you?
> 
> Bob


No , I have not done that yet. I have figured out some things that I believe may have offended him or insulted him in some way. Only things is that I'm still trying to figure out how I will talk to him and have a conversation with him that will not cause an argument or any getting upset during the discussion. I want a win win situation vs a win lose situation.


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Judging someone else's feelings is a quick ticket to Argument City.


This is one of the things that I am having a hard time with because each time I tell him something he thinks that I am judging him or ridiculing him when in reality i am just letting him know my opinion on it or an alternative. There are times that I just it as he is a very sensitive person and I just can't get around the i guess making him feel judged. i just don't get it.


----------



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Janie said:


> This is a flawing listening technique. Sounds like you typically jump into 'fix it' mode when he is upset about something. Most times when a person is discussing something upsetting to them, they want someone to understand how the situation made them feel. They want to talk about their emotions regarding the situation. It's called empathy. Empathy first - solutions later. Try it next time. (It does take some practice...)


Yes, many of the times I do this but the only reason I do it is to give him alternatives on how to handle things. He gets very easily upset, frustrated, and some times even angry depending on what it is. So you are mainly saying to listen. Let him talk and then only if he asks for my opinion or whatever then he is more willing to open up with a friendly communication. Basically, they just want a ear. hmph..


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Miss J said:


> Yes, many of the times I do this but the only reason I do it is to give him alternatives on how to handle things. He gets very easily upset, frustrated, and some times even angry depending on what it is. So you are mainly saying to listen. Let him talk and then only if he asks for my opinion or whatever then he is more willing to open up with a friendly communication. Basically, they just want a ear. hmph..


When someone is upset and want to talk to you about it, they are not looking for solutions or alternatives - just someone who is wiling tol understand the situation and how they feel about it.

So, when he's talking, you can ask questions for clarification - this is helpful because it gives him a chance to verbalize more and he feels like you are really listening. Find out what the situation is then comments like "Wow, that seems really unfair" or "you had to feel frustrated", etc, are helpful. You are talking about his emotional response to the situation. There is usually a point where he will relax a bit (having felt heard and purging the emotions associated). If it is a situation where he needs to take action you can ask "What will you do?" - instead of prescribing a solution. 

The key is to let him be in charge of the conversation. Your remarks are just prods to keep him talking. Understanding the situation and his emotions involved is what he's looking for.

When you are in solution mode, you can make suggestions, but don't dictate solutions. Words like "I wonder if...", "It seems like..." or "Have you considered..." are better ways to present your thoughts because you are just putting things our there for him to consider. Follow his lead...

This may help:
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/empathic_listening/


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It's called active listening. Listen then paraphrase back to him what he said or say somehting like " what heard you say was....and it made you feel like...." DOn't offer solutions. Save that for when he is NOT upset and be sure to ask if wants t know what you think. You are making him feel stupid by offering solutions that are not what he was thinking and belittling him making him feel his feelings re easiliy fixed and not that difficult - hence important. MY IC says this usually a problem with women and men in the opposite direction because men are solvers and women just want to heard and understood.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

My wife's a Sag and I'm a cancer. Her first name starts with J. WTF is going on around here? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

Janie said:


> This is a flawing listening technique. Sounds like you typically jump into 'fix it' mode when he is upset about something. Most times when a person is discussing something upsetting to them, they want someone to understand how the situation made them feel. They want to talk about their emotions regarding the situation. It's called empathy. Empathy first - solutions later. Try it next time. (It does take some practice...)


Not trying to hijack the OP's thread, but maybe my experience with this could help.

Four years into a second marriage, the lack of empathy thing, and the inability to listen when I am hurt is a huge problem.

If I express a worry or concern to her, my wife usually derides me as being childish or narcissistic (choose your psychological weakness of the day) - without fail if it has anything to do with her behavior. She expects me to listen and be empathetic when she monologues for 15 minutes about her problems, but when the situation is reversed - I am wasting my breath. Might as well talk to a rock as to get any empathy or even some sort of reaction to my needs.

In fact it is almost like revealing my needs to an enemy who will use my vulnerability to score points against me. So after a while you just shut up and shut down, and you start to get frustrated and resentful.

I hope you have nothing this dysfunctional going on, but listening with empathy before "correcting" or "advising" is enormously important.


----------

