# Blowup with MIL on Christmas Day



## unsungvoice88 (Dec 26, 2012)

Hey everyone,

So my husband and I have only been married 6 months. I have never had an issue with his mother or his family in the whole time that we've been together.His mother can be a bit controlling at times, and pouts a bit when she doesn't get her way, but we've barely had drama. Until yesterday.

I'll give you a little back story. My mother has always done Christmas on Dec 25th - his Mom really wanted the 25th this year, so we've decided to alternate holidays every year. It seemed to work out, and although I was a little sad I wasn't spending it with my family, I was still looking forward to spending it with his family. 

Friday night, my husband sent a quick text to his Mom to ask what time they wanted us there on Christmas Day. She replied back with 'whenever is fine', so he responded by saying 'Ok, we should be there between 2-3'. 15 minutes later, my husband's youngest sister sent him a nasty text saying that Mom expected us at 12, and we really should be there earlier, etc etc. How would we have known this!! We wanted to spend the morning together opening gifts and hanging out together, as it was our first Christmas together. Plus my father passed away 2 years ago, and I was very close with him, so I always to go his grave on Christmas (it just honestly makes me feel better, and helps me grieve). My hubby tried calling his Mom about this issue, but she refused his calls. 

So we ended up getting there a little earlier to keep the peace, around 1pm on Christmas Day. His parents had left! They were pissed off, so they went to the neighbours - we were a little hurt. They came back around 3pm, and his mother was in the worst mood. She came in, started swearing and muttering stuff under her breath, which made me so uncomfortable. She did not acknowledge me at all (I guess I could have acknowledged her, but honestly my defense mechanism is just to leave people alone when they're in a really bad mood; I didn't want to make it worse). We gave her a scrapbook full of wedding pictures, which my Aunt had made. On the back, my Aunt had written 'To Mom, with love' (it's one of those digital scrapbooks that looks like a book - really nice, actually!). She FLIPPED on us because it didn't say 'Dad' on there, and she didn't actually want the scrapbook for Christmas. I was really hurt, because we put a lot of love and thought into it, spent a lot of money on it. Anyway, I decided to just let it go. 

There were a lot of little things that happened throughout the day where she would nitpit or yell and swear, but the major thing that happened was during dinner. For some reason, everyone deemed it appropriate to have a discussion about suicide (my father died this way). I am VERY sensitive when it comes to talking about suicide. My husband politely asked them to stop, and she snapped at him. They wouldn't stop, so it got to the point where I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry it out because I was just so upset. My mother in law says to my husband 'GOOD, I'm glad someone else's feelings got hurt, your Dad's feelings were hurt from the scrapbook!' - it really upset me because I am still heavily grieving over my Dad, and Christmas is the hardest holiday for me. 

We ended up leaving early, around 8:30, because she just would not stop being hurtful and spiteful to us. And she would yell at us in front of the whole family, but when my husband tried to call her out, she said 'this isn't the time or the place'. I think she was initially pissed off that she didn't get her way (wanted us there really early on Xmas), and took it out on us - the entire day was ruined, and she would not stop being spiteful towards us. So naturally, we left early, which really pissed her off even more. 

What do we do now?? Do we wait for her to come to us? Because I honestly don't think she sees anything wrong with it. She got mad at my husband because I should have jumped up and given her a hug when they walked in (I was honestly scared, and thought I was giving her some space, knowing she was pissed at us), that I didn't help clean up (again, I was scared and didn't want to get in her space) from dinner, etc etc. 

It's now caused some tension with my husband and I, and I've never felt like this before. I just can't let it go, or forget about it. How do we go on from here?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I stopped reading at the suicide talk. What a terrible holiday for you!!

I'm glad your husband stood up for you, though. Based on that alone it seems like he is a very caring person to you.

I wouldn't ever see these people again honestly. I know that would cause some issues, but the way MIL acted is way out of line.

I wish I had some advice for you! Hugs to you... I am so sorry that you lost your father in such an awful way. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds as though she has a mental illness of some sort. How she acted while unfortunately common is just not normal. She sounds very 'disconnected' both with herself and with those around here.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Well you say you've never had a problem with her before, so would you say this is an isolated incident? Frankly to me, she sounds horrid but that is just my opinion.

Would you say that your husband's family Christmas traditionally starts at noon? If so, that is when you were expected. It's alot of work to host Christmas & can make some hosts a bit crazier than normal. Your MIL certainly does not respect your feelings about suicide & is ungrateful about receiving gifts.

Best to let it all go. You can't change her & hopefully next Christmas you can spend with your family.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

1st of all... Your MIL should realize when her son gets married... *his family comes 1st*.. I have 5 sons, I know I will NEVER act like this... for them to come & take the time out of their day, from their own family.... in my opinion... is a GIFT. His wife & her needs comes 1st. Hopefully she will be balanced in her love & dividing of family though. 

Many people respond such as yourself when others are clearly Pi$$ed off, nothing wrong with that. Her Knowing how your father exited this life and blatently talking about it over dinner - like an afterthought was very cold & heartless... This part will be the hardest to forgive I would feel. 

She really DUG herself into a hole with her behavior... I seriously doubt the dad was all that offended by "Dad" not being mentioned either on the gift .... that was likely all her nit-picking blowing things into mountain size. 

Now if this was ME....I'd be very very upset as yourself... and from all you have said, she was the MIL monster on this day. 

BUT WHY??? Why was she so UPSET, what is going on in her life... What set all of this in motion...just because you didn't show up at NOON? Or is more drama bubbling under the surface in this family and she just took it all out on YOU & your family, a scapegoat for the day??

Was she one of those Moms -if you aren't at the dinner table on time, you'd get a lecture?? 

1st she was wrong in saying she didn't care when you show up -if she knew it would upset her. It doesn't hurt to ask for what you want, but to act like it doesn't matter ....than blow a freaking fuse over it -is terribly childish & the height of immaturity. 

To accept that another has other obligations but is still willing to come -is what her attitude should have been. 

If this was ME....and I cared about my MIL- despite this awful day ....... as hard as it would be (depending on how close you was BEFORE THIS)... just to clear some sort of air....throw out a line to her....Maybe write her a letter...send a card with a few words.....

Just to express you have appreciated hers & your friendship over the years, and you don't know why or what the hell happened on Christmas day [email protected]#$%^&....all that tension in the air, but on your end...you have been saddened by it....

Others will likely disagree with me -thinking you ought to CUT her out of your lives, but your husband does not want this right now. If anything, just be available to hear her out, if she does apologize.

Is she the type to NEVER apologize or the type that blows a fuse , then realizes she made a horrible mistake and humbles herself. Your husband surely knows what his Mom is like?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

unsungvoice88 said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> So my husband and I have only been married 6 months. I have never had an issue with his mother or his family in the whole time that we've been together.His mother can be a bit controlling at times, and pouts a bit when she doesn't get her way, but we've barely had drama. Until yesterday.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of reasons why someone would ruin Christmas and all of them are bad. This woman is toxic and you need to protect yourself and your marriage from her or you may not have anything left to protect.

Honestly, you don't owe her anything. You are married to one person, your husband, and she is an outsider with personal interests. For your own sake you need to forgive her and not hold a grudge or resentment. But that doesn't mean you have to go back and get slaughtered again. Your husband should be protecting you and that includes protecting you from his mom's bad behavior. I can understand his not taking action at the time due to surprise and confusion, but now is his time to act. Getting over this is on your responsibility. Making sure you feel safe in the future is his.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I came from a divorced family. Needless to say, when the entire family lived in close proximity (thankfully a very short time) it was a nightmare every single holiday.

I HATE HATE HATE Thanksgiving.

I had a frank discussion with my wife about holidays one year and how we had to 'share the load'. We had a frank discussion with the MIL about how we would stop in on our way to my parents. We were not eating a meal! (Anyone seen that brilliant 'Dharma and Greg' episode? I could relate!) In return, they would get the big visit for Christmas.

Of course, as soon as we stopped in, we were informed in ICY terms that leaving was the severest of insults.

I did the only sensible thing: I moved.

Anyone who wants to be with me can make the drive and join MY family.

My mother promptly moved. My MIL DID visit the most. My father and wife? Never.

Sorry. Venting and relating. Your MIL sounds worse

First, verify that your husband sees his mother's behavior as just as egregious as YOU see it. He probably won't, but he needs to know exactly how wounding that little escapade was. Don't ask him to take sides, but have him know that a repeat will mean you get a migrane...very early!

Your husband would have known any 'mandatory' traditions, such as being there are noon or before, so this was a BS test by the MIL. She seems to be in the Korean school of 'The daughter in law is my slave' mentality.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What you do now is talk to your husband.

Find out whehter he is willing to be a man, and a husband, or is he still a boy that needs his mommy's approval.

If he is willing to be a man, what you do is set rules of interaction with his parents. What things you two as a couple will tolerate in terms of how you are treated. And once those rules are voilated, you take the pre-agreed to action.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry. On the brightside, this could actually prove a valuable life "toughening" experience for you...(and...despite how awful it feels now...this will very likely be a "colorful" story you share 20 years from now (probably much sooner really) with some girlfriend/or newlywed complaining about her terrible MIL) 

Anyway...

Yes.

You wait for her/them to come to you with an apology that is sincere enough to be satisfactory. (and if that comes, and her behavior in the future seems genuinely better, then you can really forgive (and _pretty much_ forget) this one bad day

There's a risk though (depending on her stubbornness) that this apology may never happen, but I think you have to take that risk. 

Because I have a feeling that if you go _kowtow_ to her just to make the peace, you'll be setting yourself up for a pattern of more unacceptable behavior from her at future holiday gatherings. 

And while we're on that subject...should something like this happen again there's two points: 

*1.* Never stoop to her level yourself...so never repay her behavior with similar nasty behavior (sounds like you already got that part)...

*2. *BUT ALSO...*never tolerate being disrespected again*...(e.g. when they start vindictively discussing suicide, rather than going to the bathroom to cry...stand up and resolutely (*but without any VISIBLE anger*) say: "we're leaving now"...then gather your things calmly and leave the house).

When we let ourselves be bullied, it's just as great a crime as watching someone else be bullied and doing nothing to help them (but again...you don't do anything in a dramatic huff...because YOU are BETTER than that)

(Also, I don't know your life plans...but provided you're planning to have children.. I'm thinking it will ultimately be in her best interests to treat you appropriately...the sad thing is, grandkids really shouldn't have to be the motivating factor)


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Sorry you married into such a dysfunctional family. The FIL stood by and did nothing? Not a good sign, H may not have been raised to be a man and husband.

1st have a frank discussion with H about his feelings about MIL. is he a mamas boy or a man? He can be forgiven for not standing up for you _this one time only._

2nd. He needs to dress his mother down, hopefully with the help of FIL. She can apologize in person to you if she is to have any further contact with HIS family. 

3rd. Who the f&@k talks about suicide on Christmas? She must not be a Christian. 

4th. When she gives you a sincere apology, accept it, but let her know firmly that kind of behavior will never be accepted around your family (children). 

5th make your husband read these posts so he understands. He needs to know he screwed up and has some learning to do about what it means to be a husband and have a family. 

Before my marriage my FIL started in on some anti-abortion rant and started pulling the Nazi card, saying anyone who felt differently was just as guilty of dehumanizing as the Nazis were. (Never pull the Nazi Card unless you are talking about Nazis ) Rather than argue with him, I told my fiancée I was leaving and she could stay at her parents or come home with me and I didn't give her a chance to think, just got in the car and started it up. She made the right decision. MIL was pissed that I walked out just before dinner, but I told her I would never put up with that crap. In the 20 years since I have never had to put up with that kind of crap again. MIL had a talk with FIL on how you treat house guests.

Good luck. If all does not go well, start planning an exit strategy as things will just go down hill from here.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It sounds like H *DID* try very hard to stick up for you against his mother's toxicity.

You've received some EXCELLENT advice. The main points to remember are:

1.) You & H decide NOW how you will handle future holiday visits with both sides of family (ex. odd-numbered years = Thanksgiving w/wife's family, Christmas w/husband's family; even number years are switched). Come to some agreement.
YOU tell YOUR family what the new visiting schedule will be. H tells HIS family what the new visiting schedule will be.

2.) It is up to H to straighten his mother out. HIS family = HIS responsibility to REQUIRE respect for your family. Your family = YOUR responsibility to REQUIRE respect for your family.

3.) If your MIL does NOT apologize to YOU AND YOUR H, then I would give her ONE MORE CHANCE ONLY...one more holiday. If she eff's up because she didn't get her way, that would be it! Life is too short to put up with badly-behaved people. She's a grown woman, she needs to act like it. You would not want to subject your future children to her spoiled-child antics.

While you and H are talking about a new holiday schedule, PLEASE consider staying HOME for Christmas Day! There are PLENTY of days off near Christmas. Adults should be able to 'get over' the fact that you may not be at their house on the exact day (or they can visit at YOUR house). The reason I sugggest this is that, if you are planning on children, you want THEM to have memories of Christmas at THEIR house; traditions at THEIR house; memories of nuclear family moments at home. We spent too many Christmases and Thanksgivings on the road visiting one family or the other; I don't think our child has REAL, CONCRETE, SPECIFIC Christmas memories of her childhood, and I think that's sad.)


*


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I just got disowned because I canceled xmas and now none of my family are speaking to me. What a stupid reason to kick someone out of your life.

Anyway, your MIL sounds like is just getting started. No matter what you do or say, it will be wrong thing with this woman. Sounds like she enjoys having power over everyone. Come on, having his sister send your H a nasty text about the wrong times? You shouldn't have gone over there. Let them be mad, disappointed, that's on them. 

Now, if you H starts sticking up for his mother and putting her feelings before yours, you have some thinking to do. 

If your H plays both sides of the fence, he is going to turn resentful towards the both of you.

Man, I really feel for you because this should be the happiest time in your life. The Witch is going to keep up her bad behavior, you gotta take that into consideration. 

Next time you see her, throw some water on her, perhaps she will melt.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't really agree that your husband did a good job having your back. I think he needs to figure out what it means to be a man. He needs to get his priorities straight. Put HIS family first...assuming he's the head of his own family and not still just a part of his own fathers family.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't really agree that your husband did a good job having your back. I think he needs to figure out what it means to be a man. He needs to get his priorities straight. Put HIS family first...assuming he's the head of his own family and not still just a part of his own fathers family.


Just to chime in, but that is a very Western cultural context. Now, the OP and her family seem to be that way, but in Korea, Japan. and even India, that sort of behaviour wouldn't raise much of an eyebrow.

See in those cultures, MIL used to be a DIL and she got crapped on. It's her turn.

Just saying


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Holidays....the time of year where families lose there mind. This post hits home. My mother is dysfunctional year round but 
come holiday season she turns it up a notch. It never helped she molded her daughters into her mini mom. I witnessed such bad behavior on these events, enough for a lifetime. 
The part of come over anytime, then having the mini moms terrorize my brothers for not getting there on their crazy time. To verbally abusing my SIL. It caused such stress. They knew never to mess with my wife cause I would grab someone by their throat. 
Your husband has to set boundaries. Not saying cut them off but be real clear of what is acceptable... from your post none of that was.
Your FIL sounds like a weak beaten man. Don't look for him to be any help. MIL has him in check.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Man, I really feel for you because this should be the happiest time in your life. The Witch is going to keep up her bad behavior, you gotta take that into consideration.
> 
> Next time you see her, throw some water on her, perhaps she will melt.


If your husband won't stand up to her and you mistakenly decide to stay with him, just go Dynasty on her. Drink in face, b***h slap her into the swimming pool, pour gravy over her head. :rofl:

You may need to be prepared to do the same to the SILs. 

Like others have said the more you let her walk all over you the worse it will get. Treat her like a two year old.

Establish just who the Queen B**ch is.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

What a sad story and especially on Christmas. Some people just do not understand what the day is really about and should reflect how we behave.

I can't help but notice that the Devil seems to show up in some people on Christmas day.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StargateFan said:


> If your husband won't stand up to her and you mistakenly decide to stay with him, just go Dynasty on her. Drink in face, b***h slap her into the swimming pool, pour gravy over her head. :rofl:
> 
> You may need to be prepared to do the same to the SILs.
> 
> ...


Pretty funny, definitely gets the point across. I would suggest that the OP give her husband three chances to get it right and if he can't put things maybe she can start with emptying the gravy boat on mom's plate.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well,

Your MIL is a troll. No question about it. But, if I was going for my first Christmas to my MIL's home and was told it started at 12, I would be there at twelve. You could have visited you father's grave the day before or after or even earlier in the morning (he certainly isn't going to care). So I think you guys started this off poorly as well.

Now I also am surprised about you and your husband tolerating the abuse you receievd at MILs for all those hours. I would have taken your hand and told my mother that "it is clear that the spirit of this holiday is not prsent in these festivities and we are leaving to celebrate Christmas in more pleasant surroundings. Thanks for the invitation and I hope the next gathering will be more loving."
Limit your contact with these fools. Start your own traditions with good wil and love in the center.


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## unsungvoice88 (Dec 26, 2012)

Wow, I really do have to say - thank you everyone for your great responses. It honestly really helps  Your advice has been overwhelmingly great too; my husband is absolutely as outraged as I am, so at least I know he backs me on this. He's tried calling his mother, left a message to let her know that he needs to talk to her, and that it was unacceptable for her to hurt me so badly. We're just waiting for a call back.

The thing is, we DID ask initially what time to be there at - when she said 'come whenever', we told her 'well, how about 2 or 3?' She never responded, instead getting his youngest SIL to respond nastily by saying 'Mom thought you were coming way earlier!!' - if that's the case, she needs to speak up about it! You don't get what you don't ask for, as my Dad always said.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unsungvoice88 said:


> Wow, I really do have to say - thank you everyone for your great responses. It honestly really helps  Your advice has been overwhelmingly great too; my husband is absolutely as outraged as I am, so at least I know he backs me on this. He's tried calling his mother, left a message to let her know that he needs to talk to her, and that it was unacceptable for her to hurt me so badly. We're just waiting for a call back.
> 
> The thing is, we DID ask initially what time to be there at - when she said 'come whenever', we told her 'well, how about 2 or 3?' She never responded, instead getting his youngest SIL to respond nastily by saying 'Mom thought you were coming way earlier!!' - if that's the case, she needs to speak up about it! You don't get what you don't ask for, as my Dad always said.


I'm glad to see you are both on the same page on this and like everyone already said mil was way out of line. She is burning a bridge here and is going to regret it when grandkids come around.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

One thing I have noticed is that some people drink too much at the holiday gatherings. Some because they are stressed being with other relatives that they have a bad history with. 

We all know that alcohol can make some people mean or politcally incorrect. I had two people who I know generally good hearted but get stressed at the family gatherings and end up saying some very obnoxious things in front of the group. Usually after that second drink.

Just something to observe and self check about. We can't change others, only be a good example.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh man... usv, you have a lot more restraint than I do.... had it been my MIL, and had she been making comments like that, it would have only been ONE comment and I would have stood up and looked her square in the eye and said "Fvck you and your piss poor attitude! You comments are uncalled for and your lack of empathy is astounding." Then I would have turned to my husband and told him he can either come with me or find his own way home. Yes, your husband was "ok" in how he helped you. But he really didn't stand up to his mom, based on what you have posted. 

Good luck in any future encounters with this woman...you're gonna need it!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If my mother would have acted that way at all I would have told her I have spent my last holiday with her. Actually I would have left the moment I showed and they deemed it appropriate not to be there. 
My dad would have put a stop to any of that crap before it started actually.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsungvoice88, 

Has your husband mentioned if he's ever seen his mother act like this before?


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## unsungvoice88 (Dec 26, 2012)

Hey everyone,

I do really have to thank you for all your advice - your words have really helped. I have an update on our situation. My husband left the ball in MIL's court - she just responded by text message, with extreme rude undertones. She said she wanted all of the rest of his things out of their house (he was storing some stuff there because we have a small apartment and can't fit everything in here), and that she wanted the $1000 her and my husband's step-dad gave to us at our wedding back. They TOLD us that that $1000 was a wedding gift to my husband and I, because they wanted to help contribute in some way. 

What do we do now? I know this is between DH and his Mother, but I am seriously shaking right now - all of this over a time miscommunication??


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Petty woman, your MIL. Control freak. She thinks she can still control your husband. Get your stuff out and tell her she is beat for $1k.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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