# Not sure what to do...



## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I am new to this site, but have learned a lot by reading posts for 2 days. I will quickly try to summarize my situation and ask for any advice...
I have been married for 11 years and have 2 school aged children. My marriage has had ups and downs from the beginning- mostly due to my husband lying about finances and drinking excessively when stressed, I did not always react appropriately to either of these things. We had about 6 or 7 years of relatively stress free/ alcohol free years where we communicated well, were managing finances, raising our children and enjoying life.

2 years ago he bankrupted and lost his business and things quickly went downhill. He withdrew from us, became very moody, drinking started up , lying about finances, making excuses about why he couldn't work for anyone and not contributing to our household bills. I became depressed and resentful, felt like his mother . He began becoming obsessed with his hobbies to the point he put it before family time , work and left me to handle all finances on my own.


Last summer, he started making excuses to be out of the home in the evenings. By fall, he was home maybe one night a week. He had numerous reasons for being gone , all very flimsy and easy to discount. I accused him of having an afair. He denied it, but he was very secretive about where he was , would take calls outside, was constantly getting texts. Changed phone plans, so that he was on a different plan than me.

Then one night he just didnt' come home, and ignored my calls. The next day he came back hungover and stated he didn't love me and he was leaving. He left and for 6 weeks, made little contact with us. Not seeing the children, but talking to them on the phone. He agreed to go to counseling, but he put no effort in it, just sat there stating he felt nothing for me and just didn't think it would ever change- still denying an affair. He was cold and distant this whole time( about 4 months), gave me little information about where he was living, contributed little to keeping up with bills. He was cold with the children, he seemed unaffected when they cried for him to spend more time with them- wouldn't even spend Christmas Eve with them. I did not handle this well- begged, pleaded with him to return, promised to change. 


In Feb.2010 he agreed to work on coming home and we worked out a visitation plan and monthly support. He just stated he "needed more time". Immediately following this he also moved into a home close to our home, stating he wanted to be close to the children. He stated he was living with " a guy , his girlfriend and her child". I was just happy he wanted to work on the marriage and I did not question this. My children began making statements about this woman and her child that concerned me that an affair was going on. Then, a mutual friend informed me that a waitress from the restaurant/bar that my husband was always at had said some things to her that led her to beleive they were involved. I confronted him with all this information and learned there was no guy in the home , it was just this waitress, her child and my husband. 

He became very angry with me, said I was crazy and he wanted a divorce. I began getting friend requests from her friends on facebook. I stopped letting the children go to his home with this woman after learning all this. From feb.- april it was non stop fighting. He said the most hurtful things to me, stating I never loved him and used him for money, I was too demanding and I deserved to be unhappy. When drunk he would curse at me and brag about cheating. He even had his mother call me and tell me I was insane and needed help. He cussed out my father when he told him to leave me alone. All money from him stopped in Feb. and he felt no guilt about it.

I finally started legal action in March, but it was not until end of April that he responded with an attorney. He continued to deny an affair to his lawyer, grandfather and all our mutual friends- also telling them he gives me "all his money".Once we started legal actions, his behaviors changed. Suddenly he wanted to know about the children and was polite to me. I knew not to trust it. I had been working on myself the last 4 months and was building up my self esteem and preparing for a future without him. He asked me to attend things with him and the children, and we did have fun. He said he was going to have his "roommate " leave the home in 30 days. 

That was 2 weeks ago. Since that time I began receiving hang up, unavailable phone calls every night. Earlier this week I asked him to have his "roomate" stop calling the house and her friends to leave me alone on facebook. I let him know that I was aware that several of his friends from years ago were also friends with her. He finally met with the children's therapist this week and attempted to get her to agree that his "roommate" was not causing any harm to the children. She did not agree and he stormed off. The phone calls to me have stopped, and her facebook page has disappeared. 

I know he is having an affair that was going on before we seperated. 
I have no concrete proof. He seems to be living 2 separate lives to deal with his guilt. He will not admit to the affair, even though I have told mutual friends and his grandfather about it. I do not want a divorce, but it seems unlikely he will ever reach a point that he will admit what is going on and really look at all he will lose. Should I be doing anything else ? I do not call, text or e-mail him at all. I do respond to him when it concerns the children but that is it.

I gave him a card last week on our anniversary, letting him know I agree with the separation and realize my mistakes in the marriage ( I listed them). I apologized, but did not ask him to come back. I let him know I miss certain things and hoped we could be happy for each other. I received no response and I am ok with that. I don't know what else to do. Sorry this is so long.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cmf, can you go back in and edit your post into paragraphs? It's really hard to read in one big block. Thanks!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Is there any hope of this affair ending? I don't know if there is anything else I should do besides getting on with my life and focusing on myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing I would suggest at this point is to tell him that you will welcome him back with ONE condition: he gets into intense (weekly) therapy to get to the root of all his problems, and becomes the man you WISH you would have married. If he cannot or will not do that, move ahead without him.

You don't need him back under any other circumstances. He has too many lifelong problems with dealing with issues - that will never get better. 

He needs therapy to find out how he turned out this way, and he needs to WANT to fix it. 

You can't do either of those things for him. And life with him would continue to be hell for you. Because he never fixed what's wrong with him.

So, unfortunately, this is what you're stuck with - he gets help or you move on.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

At this point it seems unlikely that he will even want to . Whenever he starts to get close to me he will pull back. He is now back to being irritable and cold after a week of making an effort to be civil and decent to me. I think he is cold and short with me to get me to respond the same way( as has been our pattern). That way he can justify what he is doing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is taking you for granted. He assumes you'll hang around waiting for him forever. If you show him that you will NOT, that you are willing to start a life without him, you MAY have a shot at getting him to therapy. Because it's the only way you will stay.

But without you taking that move, nothing will change.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Well, I did start divorce proceedings and we meet this week to work out visitation and support issues, I fully intend to follow this through and at least get these issues filed and enforced . The fact that he will be court ordered to pay support will certainly put a cramp in his current lifestyle if he pays. I know he is lying to the OW too. I am to the point where I am preparing the house to sell and looking for jobs out of the area. I guess by the time he comes around, I may have already moved on even though I don't want to.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

cmf, there is hope, but it's slim. My WW and I separated twice, first because of her affair, second because of the marriage not working. We've gotten back together again and it's really great, but it's taken 2.5+ years. 

Your best bet is to assume you are divorcing and proceed towards that. If he somehow snaps out of his fog and starts wanting to get back together, you can outline your terms. If you stay available, he'll continue to cake-eat and be generally a selfish jack ass. 

At this point you need to focus on yourself, your happiness, your stability, and your needs. He'll need to find himself, you can't help him with that right now.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Well, I did start divorce proceedings and we meet this week to work out visitation and support issues, I fully intend to follow this through and at least get these issues filed and enforced . The fact that he will be court ordered to pay support will certainly put a cramp in his current lifestyle if he pays. I know he is lying to the OW too. I am to the point where I am preparing the house to sell and looking for jobs out of the area. I guess by the time he comes around, I may have already moved on even though I don't want to.


Another thing to keep in mind is that a divorce is not always the end - you can ALWAYS remarry. Yeah, that sounds silly and pointless - but it happens often. 

So don't think of it as 'moving on' - think of it as protecting your family from outside harm. He might be welcome to rejoin it someday...


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