# I keep rejecting my husband sexually



## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

I feel bad about rejecting him. I will think about making love then the feeling fades just as fast because we will start arguing over finances or anything for that matter. I never wanted a marriage like this. I don't feel secure. I have been arguing with him for years now over how messy he leaves our house, going to school, him wanting to take pics that I don't want to take (hope you get my point),children, you name it! I always thought that he and I wanted the same things it seems that we don't or at least that we want to go about them a different way. I am so tired of arguing that I have nothing else left (energy and emotion wise) so then sex never happens. He complains and I tell him how I am feeling and he says I am with holding but I don't feel that I am I am just tired of arguing. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with someone who I never seem to have closure with on these subjects. They are just the never ending arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Have you two tried counseling? 

Women's brains make it hard to separate the arguing from sex and feeling "good" toward a DH.

Or you could be like me and if mommy isn't happy, no body's happy. I need balance and peace. That is just this DW.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop trying to win everything.

Is the power struggle more important than your marriage?

I'm not suggesting you give in to things you don't want to do (pictures, etc.), however, things like housekeeping or going to school? 

You going to school or him?

I know for dang sure that if you keep refusing to have sex you will drive your husband elsewhere. 

The housecleaning can be solved by getting a maid.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Well you could look at it this way, if you dont put any effort into making him happy why should he put any effort into making you happy? 

The time when a man is most agreeable is after an orgasim, so thats when you should talk about him about stuff that is important to you. 

Sex does take effort, but if you are not willing to make any effort to make your relationship work there are big problems commin your way


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Mjw,


I dont blame him for not doing all those things your asking. If the end result of him not living up to your expectations is you holding out sex...why would he bother? There are plenty of threads on these forums by men (like myself) who DO all of those things...and still dont get sex. So again, why bother doing MORE work..when the end result is the same?


Why dont you try it the other way..give sex..then ask for what you need. Rather then ***** about him not doing whatever you want and neither of you getting anything in the end.


Again I say, why is it so difficult to maintain a healthy sex life if it is mutually beneficial to both partners? I swear if women acted like they do after marriage while the man was still courting them we wouldnt have a divorce rate problem. Know why? Because we wouldnt have marriages.


Take a step back and look at the way you treated him before you got the ring on finger...and look at the way you treat him now. Night and day right? But it's all justified to you because he doesnt help around the house so it's his fault he doesnt get any. Or maybe...he stopped getting sex so he stopped caring about the house. Once you stopped caring about and fulfilling his needs, he stopped caring about and fulfilling yours.


Again, this is not rocket science. This is cause and effect. I have a theory for you to try out. Put all the bad feelings out of your mind about him not helping out cleaning the house. Pretend like they dont exist. For the next two weeks dont bother him about them. Instead use that energy your not spending on *****ing at him to actually initiate and have sex with him. Rock his world. After the two weeks, I promise you he will be far more receptive to suggestions on what he can do to help out.




John


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Again, this is not rocket science. This is cause and effect. I have a theory for you to try out. Put all the bad feelings out of your mind about him not helping out cleaning the house. Pretend like they dont exist. For the next two weeks dont bother him about them. Instead use that energy your not spending on *****ing at him to actually initiate and have sex with him. Rock his world. After the two weeks, I promise you he will be far more receptive to suggestions on what he can do to help out.
> John


:iagree:

So true. I was in the same position, except I am the man. Sex went away after marriage, eventually I did not care for a damn thing in the relationship, just b/c she would not have sex with me. She had the same reasons, I was too messy, did not clean up after myself, did not help around the house. Truth was that I was working just as hard around the house before as I was after the marriage, at least until the sex dried up. Then I did not give a s**t. I just wanted out of the relationship, but I loved her and the kids to much so I just self-emploeded and basically died inside. I was a zombie. 

I still did the basic stuff around the house, helped with the kids, etc, but I was not going to put ANYTHING extra in the relationship. 

I finnaly had enough and wanted some hapiness and said we either figure out a way to have an intimate relationship or I was out. Low and below, things changes. 

Now I did want to give this last chance a really good try so I did try and kill her with kindness, but she gave as well. That was all it took and I will do anything around in the house, out of the house, does not matter, she makes me happy now and really takes care of me the way I like to be taken care of.

Sometimes someone has to move first, if you want change, you need to move first. Take care of him! He will reciprocate!


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

Well I posted to get advice and I got it. I am hoping that a woman or man can post on here and maybe tell me a story about how she or he could not have sex and then how they started doing it again. It may seem like a no brainer for some of you but for me there are emotions involved in this. I am not just this mean evil woman who is withholding. I want to be intimate as well. I have tried to untangle this horrible knot my husband and I tied together. Can someone give me a good positive story. Hubby sounds like things have turned around for you. Can you tell me more about your story? I need positive stories please! Everyone around me is in a crappy marriage.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Sorry we may be comming off a little defensive, you are reaching to a lot of folks who are on the other side of the coin. I commend your for this. I guess you could call my story positivie in that we are in a good place right now and it seems like every day something new and exciting is happening for us to get closer. It was certainly not always that way. If you have time you can read some of my threads on the Sexless Marriage forum:

Intro: Sexless Marriage - 11yrs - Don't know what to do... - Members / Introductions - Discussion Areas - sexless marriage - Message Board - Yuku
How I took action: The Talk... OK not "The Talk" but "The Note" - The talk - Discussion Areas - sexless marriage - Message Board - Yuku
Update: Update - Success... but would like some advice - Updates to your situation - Discussion Areas - sexless marriage - Message Board - Yuku

You can also peak around at other individuals there. Unfortunately, it appears that my situation is the annomoly and that most couples in a SM end up either shutting down emotionally and just sticking with it (kids, finances, security, etc), while others choose to leave the relationship to live a fullfilling life. 

I was the one being rejected (sexually) and I was the one not fullfilling my wife's emotional needs. It is a tricky downward sprial. Eventually you get to a point where one person has had enough and needs to either step up and fullfill the other spouses needs (which may be unreciprocated for a short time) or leave the relationship.

Keep us posted and good luck!


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Lost,

Id prefer your method to the method my wife uses. If the asking is done after sex, it's ok with me. If it's before the sex and then no sex occurs, thats where I am now. Your way is the better of the two and Im sorry your husband reacted in the manner he did. His loss. In my opinion, he's not seeing the forest for the tree's. Not that im calling you a tree 



John


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

This is such a tricky thing because of how the same thing backfires in both directions.

You constantly hear the complaint 'he just helped me out to get sex'. The woman feels like every nice thing, or bit of help, has an ulterior motive.

Or you hear "You're just saying yes to sex to get me to do what you want". The man feels controlled and starts to believe that she thinks sex is merely a chore and bargaining chip.

The same thing....from both sides.

And the truth is both are right and wrong. That give and take might be present but both people need to look at it as trying to make the other happy. When momma's happy then daddy's happy. And likewise When daddy's happy, then momma's happy.

But as soon as one party starts looking at it like it is a transaction....kablooie! the whole deck of cards collapses.

At least...that's the impression I'm getting more and more from reading these boards.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When work, kids, finances, chores, on and on, day in day out seem to consume me, sex isn't in the forefront of my mind...or even in the back of my mind 

What I had to do was force some 'me' time....that calgon bath thing...whether it's getting my nails done, getting some new panties, etc...stuff just for me that make me feel like a sexy woman...and taking time for myself, whether to listen to music, read, work out...get away from the stress for a bit.

What helps to get in the mood (for me sex isn't something I normally think about throughout the day) I make sure I spend time getting myself ready in the morning...wear some sexy underwear...start out feeling good about myself....what also helps is just thinking of him...the things he's said/done lately that make me smile....listen to music that reminds me of us....or nice songs he says reminds him of me....say flirty things to him in emails or on the phone...that stuff keeps my mind on being with him later


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

swedish said:


> When work, kids, finances, chores, on and on, day in day out seem to consume me, sex isn't in the forefront of my mind...or even in the back of my mind
> 
> What I had to do was force some 'me' time....that calgon bath thing...whether it's getting my nails done, getting some new panties, etc...stuff just for me that make me feel like a sexy woman...and taking time for myself, whether to listen to music, read, work out...get away from the stress for a bit.
> 
> What helps to get in the mood (for me sex isn't something I normally think about throughout the day) I make sure I spend time getting myself ready in the morning...wear some sexy underwear...start out feeling good about myself....what also helps is just thinking of him...the things he's said/done lately that make me smile....listen to music that reminds me of us....or nice songs he says reminds him of me....say flirty things to him in emails or on the phone...that stuff keeps my mind on being with him later



i admire you for being proactive


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, the Gospel of John. Every word you have wrote from my perspective is more than true. Women, he's is letting you peek at our play book. Please take copious notes. Sex is not a doggy treat, it is an expression of love in marriage, and to withhold it is not only cruel, but self destructive to the overall relationship. I am tired of reading excuses that spouses have for not taking care of the sexual needs of their partners. This is the epitome of selfishness, and in my estimation it's the equivalent of relationship suicide. My wife is this way as well, and ladies pushing your husband away only serves to push him away. We cannot be everything you need us to be, no one can. So if we appear by all measures to be trying cut us some slack and we'll return you the favor. Please be realistic and think carefully about what hill your willing to have your marriage die on. I know..."you can't have sex if you don't feel emotionally close to your husband". Guess what, we find it hard to feel emotionally close if we don't have sex. God sure has a sense of humor doesn't he?


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## wife911 (Sep 7, 2009)

I have to say I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I work irregular schedules and he volunteered to work a night shift for about two years when we first married, which left us with three days of possibly having sex. We got used to having sex once a week or once every two weeks. I thought that this was normal because it wasn't something we ever talked about with others. Later on when my friend hooked up with one of his buddies, his buddy would start bragging to my husband about how much sex he was having. This made my husband angry and he would argue with me about not having enough sex. We had a newborn at the time and he wanted to compare our sex life after a newborn child to his buddies sex life when the girl was desparte for him to propose to her. 

It has been sometime and I kinda got used to having sex once in a while. It became even harder with the baby and always being tired. I had an epiphany several months ago that I should have more sex with my husband. First I decided we should try anal sex. This came from a suggestion from a friend that she would do it with her husband about twice a year. I never gave it any thought. So I suggest that we should do it one day and he wasted no time. We did it that night. I actually felt very sexy and naughty because I felt like I really pleased my man. I t wasnt the most pleasurable experience for me but it was pleasing to me please him. 

I still struggle with the sex because we argue alot. We both have stressful careers and he takes the arguments too far by insulting me. I can't help but to keep replaying the insults in my head. This does not help our sex life. How can I share an intimate moment with someone who insults me? It's very hard to put it aside and do a strip tease. I really struggle with this. 

I really really enjoy having sex. I had a great sex life before I met my husband. I think the emotional side of being married and not resolving problems that lead to arguments and arguments that become escalated have led to the decrease of our sex. I really hate that this has happened to us but I am trying my best to fix it. 

I spent the day buying some sexy lingerie and I surprised him with it. He loved it and we had a great time. We also watched a Kama Sutra video and we tried some of the positions. It was fun to expiriment with him. I wake up every morning wanting to have sex with him and I try to come up with ideas of new things to try. I also told myself that no matter what we fight about I would not let the argument escalate. 

Well, I just failed. I wanted to just go out with him to dinner and come home for a romantic evening. He wanted to invite friends over for drinks and appetizers. Well he said he was going to invite someone that he knows I completely dislike and I told him I don't want them to come over. Then he said "I don't care what you think" To which I responded OK hang out with that loser and I hope you have a good time with him. He seems to think that for me to say that I don't want him to come over is the same as "I don't care what you think" I don't believe this. I think his language is insensitive. 

That is just one example of many. Again, how do you put this behind you and then have sex? I find it really hard to even feel sexual towards him when he says things like "I don't care what you think?' Is this normal? Are there wives out there that can numb these feelings and have sex anyway? He blames me but I don't believe that I am wrong.

I am not purposefully withholding sex from by husband because I want something. I just don't feel connected to him when we fight.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MJW
I think it is great that you posted here. Before I make any suggestions I have a few observations and questions for you.

I truly believe you are not withholding to be mean/controlling punish him. You really are tense, feeling uncertain as to his commitment level yes? And when tense and not sure that you are "loved", it is very hard to get in the mood. 

For the moment - put aside that he is behaving badly, (and yes he is behaving badly). Honestly answer just one question: Are you still physically attracted to him? When you did/do have sex is it a turn on/enjoyable for you? Or have you to a large degree lost your desire for him, even when you are not angry?

I only ask because that is core to this whole thing. After you answer THAT, then I will make some suggestions. 









mjw82704 said:


> I feel bad about rejecting him. I will think about making love then the feeling fades just as fast because we will start arguing over finances or anything for that matter. I never wanted a marriage like this. I don't feel secure. I have been arguing with him for years now over how messy he leaves our house, going to school, him wanting to take pics that I don't want to take (hope you get my point),children, you name it! I always thought that he and I wanted the same things it seems that we don't or at least that we want to go about them a different way. I am so tired of arguing that I have nothing else left (energy and emotion wise) so then sex never happens. He complains and I tell him how I am feeling and he says I am with holding but I don't feel that I am I am just tired of arguing. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with someone who I never seem to have closure with on these subjects. They are just the never ending arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.
> 
> Thank you


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

MJW -

Reading your post is like reading my own thoughts. I too kept rejecting my H sexually. It wasn't because I was a cold hearted b*itch - just like you, I would get so angry about other things, sex was the farthest thing from my mind. I let my anger & resentment build up and consume me. I would think about him sexually throughout the day and think about once kids went to be and then BAM something would set me off and I'd shut right down. Women are aroused emotionally and since we had been arguing & emotionally shut off, the sex part was too. It was bad and I am SO sorry I ever let my marriage get to that point. I applaud you for seeking advice before yours gets any worse. 

Unfortunately how our issue was fixed was a form of shock therapy I guess. It is/was absolutely horrible and I don't wish it on anyone. I got the wake up call when I found out my H was having an affair with a friend. The moment I found out all I wanted was my H. And since that day we've done everything to reconnect and have succeeded. 

Again, how sad that this happened but it did and I can't change it. I used to get irritated thinking all he wante was sex and that would p*ss me off because I was tired/busy with kids/etc. What I didn't understand was that is his way of feeling loved. Since we didn't share intimacy, he assumed I no longer loved him. 

So, how to get it back? Well, we take time for us now. We have actually went on dates, we don't sit up and watch TV everynight or sit on seperate computers, we go to bed together! Also, we flirt, we text throughout the day. When he or I makes comments to each other about something (like last night I left the ice cream out) we say it teasingly with smiles. We don't get so ticked off so easily. I have learned to let ALOT of things go! (and that's really hard) He makes the effort to help me out, say with dishes/the kids and I appreciate it - even if it's not right or the way I want it. Find a way to clear your thoughts and relax - bubble bath, glass of wine, etc. That way you can free your mind and give yourself to your H. 

I am SO sad because I forgot how much I LOVED my H and LOVED having sex with him! It's fantastic and I am so sad for all the years of great sex we missed out on. Now we're making up for lost time! LOL Yesterday morning both of us were home and kids were at school - twice before lunch! :smthumbup:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Great post, mommy2.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Mommy2 I think I'm in a similar situation where I'm not feeling overly loved all the time due to a lack of sexual intimacy. I've taken the first step though in explaining to my wife what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. She seems to understand, but still doesn't feel like having sex very often.

We've been talking about it a lot lately though, and we think we have it narrowed down to the BC Pill that she's on (YAZ). I did soo much research into BC Pills recently and what the active doeses are and the different types of Progestin that I think I may now know more than most family doctors! I can't understand why they don't provide this info!

Communication is so important. When a man looks for sex from his spouse, it's rarely about just the act and release. (we can handle that ourselves) it's about that intimate connection to the love of your life. As men we need to express that, but we also need to realize that just because it does it for us, doesn't mean it will do it for our spouse.

However, and this is speaking from a mans POV, if you could indulge us when we come looking for it, even if your not completely in the mood, it helps us to feel much more able to provide the emotional intimacy that you require. The more rejected we are, the more distant we feel, the less emotionally available we will be.


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## Lumpy (Jan 6, 2010)

For me, i get the chores done early, im a morning person, dont stress druing work, school ect.. think good thoughts. dont wait till its time to go to sleep to do it. before i go to sleep i think about what got done and what didnt, what should he have done or said, and it makes me frustrated which leads to no sex. dont get to high in yourself, dont expect him to do anything. give yourselves time to do it dont rush it dont wait untill the last min.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dryden,

Two things: 

1. If you are done having kids get a vasectomy - I did 13 years ago totally worth it. If you are not - we used a diaphragm for BC - zero side effects. 

2. Your wife needs to learn how to LET you get her gently warmed up. I give mine a full body massage that becomes gradually more sexual. She loves that. And it is a nice turn on for me to spend a half hour touching her....

Everybody handles this differently and I would be lying if I said we never had friction over sex. We certainly did. But we always had great communication and frankly that included me saying - "You are my highest priority in life - everything I do shows that - this is the one area I am totally dependent on you and it is not acceptable to me for you to show indifference to my needs. 

I also learned what turns her on and off both in and out of bed and how to warm her up when she was not in the mood. And it is fine to be too tired once in a while. But being too tired frequently is not acceptable - take a nap if you need or go to sleep earlier. 




Dryden said:


> Mommy2 I think I'm in a similar situation where I'm not feeling overly loved all the time due to a lack of sexual intimacy. I've taken the first step though in explaining to my wife what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. She seems to understand, but still doesn't feel like having sex very often.
> 
> We've been talking about it a lot lately though, and we think we have it narrowed down to the BC Pill that she's on (YAZ). I did soo much research into BC Pills recently and what the active doeses are and the different types of Progestin that I think I may now know more than most family doctors! I can't understand why they don't provide this info!
> 
> ...


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Dryden,

You could definitely be onto something with her BC. That's when it started going downhill for us. It took us 4 years to have our 1st child, so after surgery, hormone injections, failed cyles of conceiving, etc. - sex got to be a chore. It was timed, it was planned and I would be in such pain from the shots that it was truely pure torture to have sex with my H. He knew this, knew he was hurting me but it did because I begged because I wanted the baby so badly. So, then after the child - well as those with children know once you use your body for childbirth, sex is the farthest thing from my mind added with lack of sleep, etc. BUT my hormones stayed out of whack since then. During the fertility treatments, I was Jekyll and Hyde - it was horrible. And after my hormones just stayed off and my H begged me to get them fixed. I went on a drug so that I could have a menstrual cycle again for our 2nd child and I was back to my old self for a few months but then, went all off kilter after the 2nd. So, I can easily understand how that goes. Hormones are a very strong and can make us act completely not ourselves. 

_Communication is so important. When a man looks for sex from his spouse, it's rarely about just the act and release. (we can handle that ourselves) it's about that intimate connection to the love of your life. As men we need to express that, but we also need to realize that just because it does it for us, doesn't mean it will do it for our spouse._

What you say about communication is wonderful and I GET THAT NOW! Sadly, I didn't get that before. I learned it the hard way. And when you're communicating on all levels, everything seems to fall into place. It's easier for my H to jump in and help out knowing what he will be enjoying later  and I am much more willing to initiate sex because it makes me so happy when he helps out and is trying. It's a WIN/WIN!


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