# How to deal with jealousy?



## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

How do you deal with a really jealous bf (or significant other)? My bf is really jealous, though he swears he's not. He gets nervous every time i'm on my phone texting someone or my phone rings, he always asks who it is. I feel like he's very insecure with himself. But how do you deal with the whole issue 'if you have nothing to hide, why can't u show me?' It really wears a relationship thin and kind of turns me off. I mean, afterall, what's a relationship without trust?


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

has he always been that way or have you ever given him a reason to be suspicious?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

It's nice to know he cares, right? You just have to tell him that you trust him, and to please trust me too. People do look, but that doesn't mean they want the person. Tell him don't waste your time worrying about things, unless I give you a reason to worry. This could mess up a good thing we have.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I guess this might seem kind of callous, but if this is wearing on your relationship so much and you two are just dating, then find someone else. dating is about finding someone who fits exactly what you want in a spouse. If he's not exactly what you want, then I think you should move on.


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## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

thanks for the responses everyone. No, i have never given him reason to be suspicious. I think its because of how we met. We both started seeing each other while we were still with our exes (terrible...i know) but I guess thats why there's the trust issues, cause if i can do it to my ex, i suppose i can do it to him. Even though I have learned my lesson and realized its horrible what I did and would nevre cheat again. And I have told him this and he still acts that way.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

jennyc said:


> thanks for the responses everyone. No, i have never given him reason to be suspicious. I think its because of how we met. We both started seeing each other while we were still with our exes (terrible...i know) but I guess thats why there's the trust issues, cause if i can do it to my ex, i suppose i can do it to him. Even though I have learned my lesson and realized its horrible what I did and would nevre cheat again. And I have told him this and he still acts that way.


Oh, so he thinks once you cheat, you will always cheat. Sometimes that is true, but not in call cases. I guess saying you love him isn't enough for him, but like I said.. until you give him a reason to not trust you, he should. Tell him that you love and trust him and wouldn't hurt him for the world.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

you know you say that you BOTH were still with oyur exes so oyu should also treat him that way.
Try for a week to investigate him totaly and askign him qquestiosn and if he ask why tell him that he cheated hsi ex too!
and that will equalise things once and for all!


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

jennyc said:


> thanks for the responses everyone. No, i have never given him reason to be suspicious. I think its because of how we met. We both started seeing each other while we were still with our exes (terrible...i know) but I guess thats why there's the trust issues, cause if i can do it to my ex, i suppose i can do it to him. Even though I have learned my lesson and realized its horrible what I did and would nevre cheat again. And I have told him this and he still acts that way.



boy, the consequences of cheating are far more reaching than i even realized. i hope you two can work it out! trust is a hard one, but you were both doing the same thing. why does he think you should trust him too? good luck!


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*jennyc*



> We both started seeing each other while we were still with our exes


My Wife and I did the same thing, I still feel like she could do it to me at any time but have given up showing my insecurities because it just made her prove a point even more.

It's tough to get over this kind of situation, I had to reach a point where I really just don't care anymore, make believe at first and for real now. To be able to relax a little bit I had to let her go and hope for the best. The strangest thing though is that just as soon as I stopped showing interest, she started over explaining herself about everything, but I just ignore her like I really don't care.

Sick...

She is aloud to act jealous but I'm not at all, so I don't let her get away with it when she asks who I'm talking to or texting, 
I tell her "Do I ask you who you talk or text with, no, then shut it" this pisses her off, she calls me a jerk and walks away, doesn't talk to me the rest of the night but at least she stopped asking me.


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## MarriageBuilder (Jan 19, 2009)

jennyc said:


> thanks for the responses everyone. No, i have never given him reason to be suspicious. I think its because of how we met. We both started seeing each other while we were still with our exes (terrible...i know) but I guess thats why there's the trust issues, cause if i can do it to my ex, i suppose i can do it to him. Even though I have learned my lesson and realized its horrible what I did and would nevre cheat again. And I have told him this and he still acts that way.


With respect to what you just mentioned, i take it as a personal issue.

I always believe that everything that happens to us is a result of our own actions. And that is the best thing ever because now we can take full responsibility on the situation. Right?

In retrospect, your issue is definitely something that you have to confront. Talk about it. Reflect on the past actions. The time that you did something wrong with your ex-es. Sort things out and rectify the act done. And admit it it was wrong and never return to that actions.

Hope this will regain the trust that you and your bf need.


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## MarriageBuilder (Jan 19, 2009)

carmaenforcer said:


> *jennyc*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hi Carma!

I know it must be frustrating when your spouse gets jealous. I am not too sure if what you are doing now, will have a severe impact in your relationship with your wife.

Are you guys still married? or was it a tale of the past?

Just concern.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

jennyc said:


> How do you deal with a really jealous bf (or significant other)? My bf is really jealous, though he swears he's not. He gets nervous every time i'm on my phone texting someone or my phone rings, he always asks who it is. I feel like he's very insecure with himself. But how do you deal with the whole issue 'if you have nothing to hide, why can't u show me?' It really wears a relationship thin and kind of turns me off. I mean, afterall, what's a relationship without trust?


pop answer to the "how do you handle jealousy" question...conventional wisdom says he has self-esteem issues...but you can't just *tell* someone they have self- esteem issue and expect they improve just like that.

i'll tell you what worked for me (a guy)...when my wife said to me "have i ever given you *one reason* to be insecure about our relationship?" i had to honestly answer "no." and i swear...just then..my jealousy was gone (for the most part)...it now raises it's head only in my head...when i do feel jealous or insecure, i don't display it....


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Trust is a two way street. I learned to deal with this early just by telling the partner everything to deal with the insecurities. They wouldn't feel like anything was hidden from them and it would build up trust for them to open up more.

When you're both on the same team, it's best to look after each other.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I would like to point out, that if you ask him "Have I done anything to make you question your trust for me?" and he answers: "Yes, you cheated on your last boyfriend...", I think that it is a valid answer if this happened somewhat recently. 

You need to figure out more details on what he is exactly worried about. Is it simply the fear of cheating again? Is he worried that you might want to go back to your ex for some reason? You know, because you said it was so horrible what you did to him, maybe he thinks you might want to go back. Maybe it is just a self-confidence issue. Or maybe he thinks you've been acting differently towards him or something (even if it is only perception, not reality)

I think a lot of times, it's hard to really address jealousy unless you figure out what's causing it. Different causes can be helped by different solutions. 

I do like the turn-a-bout examples. Every time he asks to see your phone, or he checks your computer or something, do the same thing back and let him know how it feels. See if it works, if it doesn't, then it might be a deeper issue that is causing this that you need to work on.


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## MarriageBuilder (Jan 19, 2009)

Good points people.... =)


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

My H is crazy jealous- and I have never given him any reason to be. After 17 years I am just about done with it, I can't deal with it any more. It's exhausting. It's always been that way and it's a really crappy way to live.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Junebug said:


> My H is crazy jealous- and I have never given him any reason to be. After 17 years I am just about done with it, I can't deal with it any more. It's exhausting. It's always been that way and it's a really crappy way to live.


"have i ever done anything to make you believe i would be anything but faithful to you" or words to that effect work wonders...


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

voivod I've tried everything- we have even been to counceling and it's one of the issues we tried to deal with. It's just part of the way he is.


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