# Fantasies or sexual goals



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Do you and your spouse\partner share your fantasies with one another and have you set any sexual goals for your relationship? Goals could be frequency, location, trying new things, etc. Maybe even based on the fantasies if you share them with each other.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We certainly did in the past and we had great run and checked off quite a few boxes for both of us. 

Now I think her goal and fantasy is to put that all behind us and live out our days as asexual domestic partners and roommates; and my goal is to retain at least some semblance of a marital sex life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We used to talk about and set new fantasies/goals, and as a result have experienced almost every fantasy (most for real, too) and goal we discussed. Now, we don't really set new ones (there isn't anything we can add during this pandemic - maybe once enough people have had a vaccine), but resurrect old ones periodically to keep things interesting. Frequency is great, locations (mostly at home these days) are good, etc.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Our primary goal which we achieved, is the fact that we still want to have sex with each other even if in a disagreement. 

We crossed that bridge long ago. Always a good thing. And it seems that's uncommon, though imho shouldn't be.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Do you and your spouse\partner share your fantasies with one another and have you set any sexual goals for your relationship? Goals could be frequency, location, trying new things, etc. Maybe even based on the fantasies if you share them with each other.


Yes. When we were trying to save our sex starved marriage, we sought help from a sex therapist. She did the normal marriage counseling things, plus provided us with specific sex related reading materials, videos, exercises and topics to discuss. Eventually it resulted in our having sex again and there were negotiations she lead on frequency, sexual acts, etc. 

As to fantasies, I have shared mine with my wife. She has pretty well made sure that none of them have happened. She claims she has none, and I sort of believe her. We have done the standard yes no maybe lists and she has divided them into yes, no because it is too high school, no because it is too perverted. and no because she would not want me to experience such things. 

Seriously, we have negotiated sufficient frequency and acts that I can remain in this marriage and sufficient that she can handle remaining in this marriage. After 49 years things are better than they were and we are close in so many ways.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> As to fantasies, I have shared mine with my wife. She has pretty well made sure that none of them have happened. She claims she has none, and I sort of believe her. We have done the standard yes no maybe lists and she has divided them into yes, no because it is too high school, no because it is too perverted. and no because she would not want me to experience such things.


I can understand not wanting to do something yourself. 

I can even understand not wanting your partner to something because it would make you feel insecure or find it distasteful etc. 

But saying no to your partner because you don’t want them to experience something sounds like - well, a jerk.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My picker seems to be broken (or blessed, depending on perspective) - in that I seem to always pick out the nymphomaniacs. Even a virgin that blossomed into a nymphomaniac, like seriously, how the hell did that happen?

Anyway, my partner's goal is sex 3-5x a day. My goal is at most 2x a day especially at my age, hence to make it work had to forbid choking the chicken and any pornography, regular red meat or protein shots to keep the factory working, and at the same time she's quite understanding and thankfully can satisfy her in minutes without penetration when I'm out of ammo, otherwise I'm screwed like my past marriage. My partner is also happy to try new locations and we are quite open with our fantasies, including some really disturbing ones but we keep those ones away from reality. I admit though, that I have been quite lazy in that department, though we have done it in a dressing room and my car. Problem is I've done it all already where as she hasn't - age/experience gap. So have to close it eventually, off to the laundry on its spin cycle next.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

my wife and I have started into being more open about fantasy in the last year and half and it has been good and bad. I love her being more open, but it also caused me to question the lack of being open and outright lies from the past. Double edge sword. 

Now with that said, it has helped sex sometimes. We are more free to explore areas that we each have interest in or mutual interest. We now sometimes verbalize fantasy during sex, which seems to really work well for both of us. We have not yet used this to set "goals", but maybe in the future


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> She claims she has none, and I sort of believe her. We have done the standard yes no maybe lists and she has divided them into yes, no because it is too high school, no because it is too perverted. and no because she would not want me to experience such things.


I think to have none is very common, especially if they never bring up sex or when they do, they talk around it (i.e. “you coming upstairs?”). I would argue the fantasies are more comfort or quality-of-life related. 

“Sex fantasy... uggh... umm... no. Retirement fantasy... ooooooo dream house, beach house, RV, grandkids... OMG where do I start?”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Do you and your spouse\partner share your fantasies with one another and have you set any sexual goals for your relationship? Goals could be frequency, location, trying new things, etc. Maybe even based on the fantasies if you share them with each other.


In life there are two great tragedies: A) is getting what you want and B) is not getting what you want. That is pretty much how sexual fantasies work.

A single person that sleeps with multiple partners will fantasize about finding an exclusive partner with intimacy based on true love. This person found true love and was exclusive once before but for some reason could not be happy with it. 

A married person that is in love may fantasize about having a series of one-night-stands with random partners. This person had that lifestyle before being married but was never happy with it. 

The above is an exaggeration, but it should illustrate a point. The moral of this story is people that enjoy a fantasy of wanting something a little more are victims of allowing comparison to steal happiness. For comparison is the thief of joy. 

Unless you are comparing what you have to something that was/is horrible! That is a totally different story.  When my wife asks me about all my past girlfriends and conquests, I now find myself enjoying to remember the worst of the worst moments and have fun with her laughing at those moments. "OMG back in college Jane would eat spicy food and then come onto me without brushing her teeth! It was like french kissing a stale egg roll that had been dipped in wasabi!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

badsanta said:


> In life there are two great tragedies: A) is getting what you want and B) is not getting what you want. That is pretty much how sexual fantasies work.
> 
> A single person that sleeps with multiple partners will fantasize about finding an exclusive partner with intimacy based on true love. This person found true love and was exclusive once before but for some reason could not be happy with it.
> 
> ...


I guess thats deeper than how I was thinking badsanta? I mean you make some good points but I was just going for something primitive. For example, I REALLY want to have sex with my wife on a beach in the bright sun. She would be into it as well its just we know that could get you in legal trouble so we haven't done it. HUGE fantasy for me still however!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I guess thats deeper than how I was thinking badsanta? I mean you make some good points but I was just going for something primitive. For example, I REALLY want to have sex with my wife on a beach in the bright sun. She would be into it as well its just we know that could get you in legal trouble so we haven't done it. HUGE fantasy for me still however!


There are warm, sunny resorts where you can do that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> There are warm, sunny resorts where you can do that.


But who will do all the role play? The scenario involves someone placing a fake sign on the beach that says "No Sex Allowed - 30 Day Minimum Sentence" without the other knowing? Then you have to hire the fake police swat vehicle to shows up just at the right time that is really a "Chiva" party bus filled with alcohol, a bunch of friends, and a dance floor on the roof! 

That is a lot of work to pull that one off and time everything just right!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I guess thats deeper than how I was thinking badsanta? I mean you make some good points but I was just going for something primitive. For example, I REALLY want to have sex with my wife on a beach in the bright sun. She would be into it as well its just we know that could get you in legal trouble so we haven't done it. HUGE fantasy for me still however!


Have you had sex in your backyard in the sun yet, when you can hear your neighbors bbqing next door on the other side of the privacy fence?

That may be a start.

Or, take her fishing. When out on a boat there are opportunities on the boat and remote shorelines.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> There are warm, sunny resorts where you can do that.


Yeah one about 30 minutes from our house but the wife won't. Her condition for this "beach sex" is no one is around.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you had sex in your backyard in the sun yet, when you can hear your neighbors bbqing next door on the other side of the privacy fence?
> 
> That may be a start.
> 
> Or, take her fishing. When out on a boat there are opportunities on the boat and remote shorelines.


Yeah been trying that but she is not a boat person.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> I can understand not wanting to do something yourself.
> 
> I can even understand not wanting your partner to something because it would make you feel insecure or find it distasteful etc.
> 
> But saying no to your partner because you don’t want them to experience something sounds like - well, a jerk.


Have you ever read David Scharch's explanation of "marital sadism?" It is where one partner likes hurting the other partner through the use or denial of sex.

One of his explanations is that a couple is married for a long time (I have been married to my wife for 49+ years) and the sadistic spouse knows something sexual that the other partner really wants to happen. You would think that after enough years (unless there was conscious thought) that some of those things would happen in sex by accident, but they don't. Therefore, there is a "you are not going to get what you want" aspect to this.

Is it being jerk-like? Actually, I think it is worse it is trying to use sex as a weapon.

For example, I have given up on oral sex with her as she finds the idea revolting. I can accept that. But, she has never worn sexy undergarments or bed clothes. Not even just panties to bed. I have purchased fancy things, like silk cammies and teddy to fancy lace, but they either get thrown out or never worn.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Have you ever read David Scharch's explanation of "marital sadism?" It is where one partner likes hurting the other partner through the use or denial of sex.
> 
> One of his explanations is that a couple is married for a long time (I have been married to my wife for 49+ years) and the sadistic spouse knows something sexual that the other partner really wants to happen. You would think that after enough years (unless there was conscious thought) that some of those things would happen in sex by accident, but they don't. Therefore, there is a "you are not going to get what you want" aspect to this.
> 
> ...


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

My wife is not comfortable with oral sex and eventually told me so. Then she told me she is comfortable with something else we do which was music to my ears. Then I wasn't worried about oral sex.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tony Conrad said:


> My wife is not comfortable with oral sex and eventually told me so. Then she told me she is comfortable with something else we do which was music to my ears. Then I wasn't worried about oral sex.


 Good for the two of you. Marriage is about compromise and negotiation. Every couple should go through a "yes/no/maybe" list several times in their relationship, as things change over time and what was off the table might suddenly get placed back into the maybe or yes column.


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