# My Roommate (wife)



## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

So Ive read thru many posts and my issues are much like everyone elses. Im at my wits end and ready to walk but Im really trying to not give up so easy. However things that have been said and done have me questioning her commitment to this marriage. Here are some examples:

My father past last yr and I went through it completely alone. To add insult to injury she told me to get over his death (this was 3 weeks after he past). She told me also my dad wouldn't be proud of me because I didn't graduate college (I graduate in august). 

She has begin an investment group with FREINDS even though I told her we should look into investing long before that-she puts away $500 a month but will claim broke. I also said I wanted to play the stock market so she went ahead and did that on her own and didnt tell me until I found out accidentally. 

I get constantly nagged about the absolute smallest detail- and by small I mean literally 1 unwashed cup in the sink. Wont do me any favors at all but she asks me to do stuff for her all the time and I willingly do it. I can ask her to bring me a beer from the liquor store that is on the way home- I'll put the money in her account (all $9 of it) and she will still say no. 

She throws her education in my face but she has NEVER made more money than me. 

The main thing however is sex. We have sex on average maybe every 6-7 weeks and even then its mechanical or I initiate it. In the past year in a half we may have had sex 12-14 times and its probably less than that. We went a 4 month stretch of nothing.

So Im here to get advice I guess- I have a 4 year old involved and I dont want another man raising her. I want things to work but she seems not to care? I've talked to her, written letters, gone to counseling and nothing seems to work? Any ideas


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Just to add to that- I do as much or more for my daughter than she does- so its not a question of her being tired from that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

There are some questions which answers will help to get a better idea of what's going on. 

Are you working full time and going to school? What % of your joint income do you earn?

How old are the two of you?
How long have you been married?

You say that the main thing is sex. But sex is the last thing here... what I mean is that the lack of sex is the symptom of a lot of broken things in your marriage.

Do you two have joint bank accounts? Or do you operate with separate accounts?

How much of the housework and other chores do you do?

What is your wife's education level that she keeps throwing in your face?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

travelking said:


> \I have a 4 year old involved and I dont want another man raising her.


And there's your problem.

Your wife knows, despite her bad behavior, that you won't leave. Therefore there are no consequences for that behavior.

Never mind the lack of sex... she sounds like she has a lot of contempt for you. And my guess is that you have put up with it for so long that it's now "acceptable" for her to do it (in her eyes).

Everyone suggests Married Man Sex Life and doing the 180. I do, too. I would also continue counseling. If she won't go, go alone and let her know you are going. It shows you are serious about fixing this.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

sorry- 35, married 4 years, as far as chores I do probably 40% given my schedule I think thats pretty good as far as income I make maybe $10k a year more so its not dramatic- I work 1 FT job and one PT job (20hrs a wk)- in school online PT-my wife has a graduate degree and is in nursing school- 
she works FT too- everything else is typical- we have a joint acct and a house acct- she has her own bank accts and so do I- point is she hid those things from me (investment group, stock) and has been a terrible wife- no encouragement, pat on the back, nothing. i know we have deeper issues but my main issue is sex- its a basic human need that I am being denied- and if I go out and cheat I'll be the bad guy but all I hear is Im tired or she rolls over/ crosses legs when I try to start something- foreplay or not


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

@ Chris- I know she has me by the balls cus she knows how much I love my daughter and knows I dont want anyone else to raise her- but im am stuck because Im starting to resent her- I dont go home from work right away- I try to go to sleep early- my hobby is fishing which I do as much as I can- she even has a problem with that like there are women in the woods waiting to give me a BJ- I really hate this situation


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem is that until you solve the other issues, your main issue won't get resolved. The fact that your wife doesn't respect you and doesn't care to be in a loving relationship with you means no sex

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> The problem is that until you solve the other issues, your main issue won't get resolved. The fact that your wife doesn't respect you and doesn't care to be in a loving relationship with you means no sex
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
MMSLP get the book today and No More Mr. Nice Guy for starters.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your main issue is sex? Seriously? So if your wife f$cked you more often the fact that she can't stand you and holds you in contempt wouldn't be such a big deal? Ahh, the things men will accept for sex.

You have much bigger problems here than sex; the behavior you're describing is that of someone that can't stand you. Your first goal should be to find out why, preferably with a marriage counselor. If she won't go you have some serious choices to make...can you live like this? You could start by detaching from her, but it's still going to be a lonely way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would be curious though, to hear your wife's side of the story...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

lol- the other issues will never cease- what married woman isnt going to nag her husband- i can put up with that- but the secret stuff and lack of sex is unacceptable


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

PBear- on several occasions I have given my wife the floor to address any issues she has with me-I invite constructive criticism- how will a person know what they are doing wrong and the only thing it ever comes down to is i havent got my degree yet- when we went to marriage counselor she told the MC that she s bothered that I dont do things like wash the dishes right away when I cook-which I conciosly do now to avoid arguements- pretty much everything she has asked me to do I have done- but I cant even get laid on vacation- big problem for me


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

travelking said:


> lol- the other issues will never cease- what married woman isnt going to nag her husband- i can put up with that- but the secret stuff and lack of sex is unacceptable


Yet, you are accepting it.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

lifetooshort- the other things- the investment/stock issues we have talked about and I dont like what she's doing but she's already done them and wont stop doing them- I can almost learn to accept that because 1 I can and will do the same thing and 2 even if it came down to it- we get a divorce thats gonna come into play- the nagging I can deal with- sex is an issue- Sorry Im a man- if I cant get it at home then what?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger issue which is her lack of respect towards you. Get that addressed and hopefully everything else will improve. If not, it may be time to pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

She doesnt respect you there for why stay? Most of us here experience what you are going thru. Sure you dont want another man raise your child then dont complain so stay.

I regret staying my marriage of 19 years, I tho life was like this with my marriage til I start to question and talk to friends and then found TAM. It opened up my eyes, my mind, my pain, my anger, and then I did what ever one here doing. Try to fix the marriage, nothing works.

Tell her how it is and be cold about it.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

I really appreciate the comments- they are making me think of things I didnt realize- our biggest issue is respect or lack thereof- everything else plays off of that


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dormant said:


> Yet, you are accepting it.


I agree. To quote from Princess Bride... "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did it take you to get your degree?

And what she tells you the problems are may or may not be the whole picture. Unfortunately, we often don't get complete answers. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

travelking said:


> lol- the other issues will never cease- what married woman isnt going to nag her husband- i can put up with that- but the secret stuff and lack of sex is unacceptable



My wife never nags me, because I don't let her. Bad behavior should never be tolerated. NEVER. 

The dynamic of your marriage is out of balance. Your wife is contemptuous of you. She clearly feels you need her way more than she needs you. Change that and you change the relationship.


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

u.e. Mcgill said:


> my wife never nags me, because i don't let her. Bad behavior should never be tolerated. Never.
> 
> The dynamic of your marriage is out of balance. Your wife is contemptuous of you. She clearly feels you need her way more than she needs you. Change that and you change the relationship.


preach!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mmslp. drop 20 lbs lift weights, don't tolerate the bs, shut it down with snarky humor. if she wastes $500 on her investment club, go spend $500 on your hobby. if you don't have one, get one: fishing, hunting, sports team, bowling, golf, whatever.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

travelking said:


> I'll put the money in her account (all $9 of it) and she will still say no.


Let me get this straight...you pay your wife for beer?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you live in a community property state the investment club money is a joint asset... Check with a legal beagle just to be sure...


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## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Let me get this straight...you pay your wife for beer?


No I dont pay her- I mean I put the money in our joint acct so she doesnt even have to pay for the beer- just pick it up


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

travelking said:


> No I dont pay her- I mean I put the money in our joint acct so she doesnt even have to pay for the beer- just pick it up


That doesn't seem much better, to be honest. I wouldn't even be roommates with someone like this.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Document her behavior and file for full custody of your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

AGAIN

repeating good advice..

Read MMSLP read it NOW

No joke. It will help


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas (a thread)

and Bagdon (another)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First of all, I don't nag my husband and I find the assumption that all wives nag to be a little offensive. Second, even if you got more sex you'd still have the contempt issue; how fulfilling is sex with someone that treats you like crap and can't stand you going to be? I'd think your hand would be more fulfilling but maybe you feel differently about this.
I know you can do a lot of what she's doing but it's not a marriage; frankly I don't know what it is. It's not roommates because roommates treat each other well but don't have sex, and that's not what's going on here. Unless your wife has a radically different version you deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Read neuklas (a thread)
> 
> and Bagdon (another)



And while you are reading it, make sure to note any similarities and differences in the characters, their issues, behaviors, etc compared to your case..,


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## xxxooo (Apr 29, 2014)

You could try the firm approach as suggested, but if your wife is anything like me, she'll rebel. She may obey, but with resentment and contempt. Contempt is napalm for relationships. Here's another idea--change your perspective to change the world. Sounds crazy? Maybe, but I have yet to find a more useful read about relationships: The Soulmate Experience, Apple & Dunn.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

travelking said:


> No I dont pay her- I mean I put the money in our joint acct so she doesnt even have to pay for the beer- just pick it up


:scratchhead:Yeah......there's no difference. You, my friend definitely have a roommate and a pretty bad one at that. Sorry.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

travelking said:


> sorry- 35, married 4 years, as far as chores I do probably 40% given my schedule I think thats pretty good as far as income I make maybe $10k a year more so its not dramatic- I work 1 FT job and one PT job (20hrs a wk)- in school online PT-my wife has a graduate degree and is in nursing school-
> she works FT too- everything else is typical- we have a joint acct and a house acct- she has her own bank accts and so do I- point is she hid those things from me (investment group, stock) and has been a terrible wife- no encouragement, pat on the back, nothing. i know we have deeper issues but my main issue is sex- its a basic human need that I am being denied- and if I go out and cheat I'll be the bad guy but all I hear is Im tired or she rolls over/ crosses legs when I try to start something- foreplay or not


Let me get this straight... You work two jobs and do school work. She has a full-time job and goes to school. You have fishing as a hobby. Just exactly when do either of you have the time or energy to have sex? You both have separate lives and just share a house. What do you expect out of this relationship with this set up?

What this all leads to is a wife who (a) has little time to spare, (b) little energy to spare and (c) little connection with you.

As far as the investment club, is it her money she does this with? If so, what's the problem? The only problem I may see with this is that she realizes that the relationship isn't going anywhere and she's getting her ducks in a row so she can leave and be financially secure with savings and a job when she does.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

hey I can put up with a lot, but a wife who will not buy me a beer on the way home???? that would be a deal breaker fo me!


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