# It's almost like nothing happened (Update)



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Won't recap much - I was on here like crazy in May/early June. DDay for me was 5/4. Wife had EA with longtime friend after expressing much frustrations with my attentiveness.

We just got back from a 9 day vacation (planned prior to DDay)- first 4 alone to a large city for entertainment, then the last 5 in the Southwest with other family and our kids. The trip went about as well as to be expected. We had a lot of romance, fun, connected. We only spoke of the EA a couple of times early on, alone, where my WW said how guilty she still felt about what happened. I told her self-forgiveness is the last step in all of this.

For the rest of the trip, and now a couple of days later, it's almost like this whole nightmare didn't happen. I mean, I definitely haven't forgotten, but the pain is 95% gone. Triggers bounce off. Phone records are clear - altho I can no longer check texting activity. But we've been together almost constantly for a good 11-12 days now. 

We have agreed to communicate immediately when things aren't going well. She did say yesterday I was feeling a bit distant again after returning from our trip, so I have to make sure I don't slip back into that "taking the relationship for granted" mentality that got me in trouble. That's on me, and something I will likely always have to battle.

I asked her about the OM and if she was having trouble. She said, "I do miss him but haven't felt the need to contact him at all, to be honest." He was a 20 year friend of hers, so that is natural. 

I feel as long as I don't take things for granted and stay attentive, we will be fine and she won't break the NC. It's been over a month since she did. But I also have to keep on my toes and not be played a fool. It's an interesting place to be.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's great that things are working out for you, but keep in mind that you may forgive, but you will most likely never forget-and they say that it takes somewhere between 2-5 years for the LS to get over it.

Keep up the good work!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm happy for you that you are in a better place than the dark days immediately after DDay. It really helps to have a remorseful spouse, and I hope for your sake and the R, that she's doing a lot of the heavy work for R. You've described what you did to improve yourself, so what about her? This statement is a little worrisome:



Gabriel said:


> I feel as long as I don't take things for granted and stay attentive, we will be fine and she won't break the NC. It's been over a month since she did. But I also have to keep on my toes and not be played a fool. It's an interesting place to be.


It's almost as if the Sword of Damocles is hanging above your head if you aren't a good boy. I hope this isn't the case. Yes, it is a long process, there will be ups and downs along the way. Don't take it too hard when you hit a bump once in a while, just as long as you don't have a DDay#2. Its good that you refuse to be played and that you keep your vigilance since it's only been just over a month since NC took effect. You already know from others' experience here, that sooner or later, one of the APs may fish. Be on the lookout for that. 

You're in the beginning of R, and you're feeling good. Coincidentally, DDay for me was June 12 last year, and we also took a vaction in the begining of August and I was in the same boat, feeling good after the vacation. Yet, even after that and her being remorseful and full verification of NC, the pain still returned every once in a while and I would begin to trigger again, just not so often and they didn't last as long. So be prepared for this. It's not quick and easy, it does take time. And a family vacation really does help the R process.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Congratulations on beginning to reconnect with your wife. 

The paragraph that LordMayhem quoted, struck me as well. You have to know that you are going to make mistakes with your wife. You also have to know deep down that she won't go and have another EA, should you make a mistake. Your marriage will only continue to work if your wife is fully committed and sees these mistakes for what they are, just mistakes. I'm sure you won't be the only one making these mistakes either. You are not out of the woods yet, my friend. Trust is going to take time to buildup and she's responsible for building that trust back up, not you. You did not go outside the marriage, she did. She needs to completely and utterly own what she did, if she hasn't already. She also needs to realize the great gift that you have given her, the gift of another chance. I wish you all the best of luck and a wonderfully happy marriage.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I don't know, but it seems like rug-sweeping to me. You need to adress is in a more productive way. Obviously, she was having some issues with you. What happens when she feels like this again- another affair?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

All excellent points. She has done a lot of heavy lifting. NC in effect, lots of affection and guilt for what she did. She's cooking more, been on the computer way less, and kind of grounded herself. 

That said, while I don't think she'd run out and have another EA, there is a possibility she could reconnect with the original EA OM at some point. I am still afraid of this and not denying the possibility. It FEELS like nothing happened, but I know it did. Maybe I just haven't triggered in a long while.

I did just see a commerical for a new Steve Carell movie, where his wife cheats, leaves him, and then he sets out to improve and make her jealous. Normally, before DDay, I would have wanted to see this because I am a fan of Carell's, but now, no way could I watch that movie. These types of examples still exist, and probably always will.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well Gabriel, it certainly sounds that you have a good plan in place and fighting for your marriage. She's doing the heavy lifting, you're improving yourself, and you're both reconnecting. While at the same time you don't have your head in the sand. Please keep us updated, vent here if you need to. We're pulling for you buddy!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Nice to hear a success story!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Thanks everyone. So far, anyway. But as we get back into our normal lives (back from vacation), we still have challenges ahead of us. Things were a bit rocky right before we left. The vaca really helped a ton, but now we're back and need to continue working on this.

You may see me back on here venting about her breaking NC. I sure hope not, but it's possible.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Glad for you, Gabriel. It _is_ nice to see positive storylines. 
There's a lot to be said for just letting it happen. I think I'm jealous!  but I know I'm not yet capable.
For me, I'd be somewhat suspicious of myself, just given the timing, and the non-reality feelings of vacation, being away from the day-to-day grind that is real life. imho, that is where the real 'tests' come in. When no one's looking, when it's too easy to get caught up in the humdrum of working/home care/kids/etc. and not competing with the fantasyland aura that an A provides for a WS....

But that's me. I'll learn from your experience; thanks.
Good luck, let it happen!


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Sounds good, although one line sticks out to me...



Gabriel said:


> Phone records are clear - altho I can no longer check texting activity.



Is their any particular reason why you can no longer check this?


Just making sure this hasn't been put "underground" and that you are blocked from this, or phone glued to her type of thing.

Don't know your history on this by the way, but have read enough on here to really see the ins and outs of most infidelities etc


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Regarding the text question - I was able to monitor texting between them by calling Sprint. I called, gave them the 2 phone numbers and the rep looked it up, and was able to tell me the activity between the two numbers. Sprint doesn't offer this - I think the rep was doing me a favor. When I tried doing this again, the different rep said they weren't allowed to do this, and they record all the service calls, so now they know I've called and asked for this to be done, so I think that door is now closed.

My wife leaves her phone out all the time - I could pick it up and check that way anytime I want. But of course, she could just immediately delete the texts and I would never know. That's what I'm talking about there, about no longer being able to fully monitor texts. That could be happening, but I doubt it. The last time I was able to check, the rep confirmed no texts between them for a full 3 week period.


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