# Chaos of life reconstruction...



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Man, I've never had downs as deep as I get them now.

D: went slowly, I tried to be gentle on her, she had said lets avoid lawyers so we tried a mediator and she said "no" to the mediator because the mediator took my side. So, lawyers it was. And it went more against me than I expected.

Surprise: In my 60s, too long out of the industry for anybody to take me in (tried), I expected the house and a portion of our nest egg sufficient to live on until Social Security. Given the existence of the house, I would have a workshop from which to build my business. We spoke of this, it would leave her with 60% of our net worth, and she felt this was reasonable.

But her lawyer got aggressive and it went far more to her side, and it was not possible to keep the house. So, I have a bank account and no house. Bank account is OK, but not if I rent a place, and if I were to buy a house, the bank account would be "too small" unless I got my biz going FAST...which is not my history.

The final element in the D was closing on the sold house and distribution of proceeds, which was last March.


My lifestyle is nothing like I even dreamed of...I had nominal plans for various options, but not this!!!

Without going into too much detail, during the D process, I met a woman who was "not my type" (big age difference, not my preferred personality, political activity level, religion, physically inactive...) but logistics and situations suggested a merging of paths would benefit us both. E.g. I didn't work and she was struggling to manage two teens while working an on-call traveling job. The agreement is that I don't pay rent, I deal with kid logistics (transport, feeding, a bit of safety and moral education, homework), and do most house maintenance and some repairs preparatory for sale in a few years. All the stuff I'm to do does take time, but more significantly, it's hard to plan. Schools aren't very good at scheduling extra-curricular things, so it's common to get a text from a kid saying "I have to be back at school at 4:30pm to rehears the music for the upcoming assembly", or "They just put the yearbook on sale but today is the deadline for a check. Please bring money." The kids' fathers are still in the loop and it's all amicable, but they don't live near the school, so there's a limit to what they can do during the school week. Oh, yeah, and I'm teaching the 17 year old to drive. So, I have not found a way to put this all into a standard 5 day week. Particularly cleaning up after teens, there's work 7 days a week. My company? This house is so packed with stuff that it took me months to carve out space for a workbench. I will need to carve out more for inventory storage shelves and then test equipment...I don't see a company happening for quite some time to come. I had not even contemplated how to manage myself in such a situation. But, for financial reasons, and the fact that the woman and I really do have a good interpersonal bond (yes, romantic relationship), I think it's the right thing, at least for now. Most days, I expect to get up and go for a run, but there's the kitchen mess from last night (left by people who are up later than me) and I clean that up, then soemthing comes up that I "have" to do that day like we're out of food...and I don't run. Finally ran yesterday. I expect that with time, I'll sort out how to get in the "me" stuff I'm missing (which includes, someday, somehow, establishing spirituality practices, but at this point I don't even know what school of them I want to follow).

Hopefully this isn't too redundant, but here's the "desire" and "actual" picture:

Desired:
Freedom to get the company started in the workshop at the home.
Freedom to maybe date, but that wasn't a high priority
Get back on track with running
Explore eastern spirituality and incorporate practices as daily habits
Carefully choosing what kind of people I want as friends and carefully learning, for the first time in my life, how to socialize nominally normally
Strip life and possessions to minimalism and build very carefully with intention

Actual:
Significant responsibilities for care of two teenagers and a household supporting them
Sudden immersion into someone else's view of an intentionally created home and household...not that I object to it, but it wasn't mine
No handle (yet) on managing tasks successfully
No spiritual involvement beyond being surrounded by her spiritual images, shrines and mandalas (Wiccan)
Barely managed to get in a run this week
Instantly connected with all her friends
No minimalism present


Divorce, of course, creates chaos, and I know I'm in better shape than most, particularly financially. But I keep finding myself asking "who am I, and is this where I should be?" until those moments when she and I are together and she's fully present, and I sense that nobody has ever, in my life, really seen who I am, and wanted to be with me this much. In the early days, I worried about the "dad syndrome"...I have a history of being with women (side note: my women always choose me - I don't get to choose) whose fathers went absent/died/were abusive and I have sensed that I'm the dad they wanted. For this reason, I tended to be with older women (2-8 years) because I preferred the maturity. The current beau is more than ten years younger than me, but her dad, while divorced from her mom, is indeed still in her life and while he's a bit of a boor, he's not neglectful and supports his grandchildren very nicely...not just financially, but emotionally. So, this really is different in many good ways.


I don't know exactly what to ask for, but maybe there are others who can identify with some of this and say "yeah, I went through that four years ago and here's how it resolved for me...."

Thanks,

DustyOldDawg


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno, but this stuck out when I read your post "(side note: my women always choose me - I don't get to choose)" Stop letting others decide how you live and start deciding for your self. You are not where you want to be because you have allowed others to dictate where you are. Stop being passive and start be proactive. That is the only advice I can give you.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My first response: Find somewhere you can afford to live. I dont care if its a room above someones garage, find someplace for just you. Then go get a job, any job, grocery store any job to help make ends meet. In your off time, work on your business or just enjoy your freedom.

But you probably wont.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On this.

Oh gods, on this.

Why the incessant need for live-in companionship? 
Why the [still] remaining reign and chain of dependency? 

You are co-dependent.

Why not minimize and go it alone?, 
You will never be free if you keep putting that noose around your neck.

Live for you. 
No one else will, can.

Materialism....
Material keeps getting in your way.

Break the repetitive cycle.

Some of this material is flesh.

Live free for a few years, date and partake in occasional love.

If I can write this, you can do this.


UlyssesHeart-


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I operated my own business for 13 years. I found an old hotel building which was being remodeled for a "flip", and rented a room and bathroom rights for 20 bucks a week. This was 1984, so I'm sure the price will be higher today. I had room there for my drafting table (couldn't afford CAD) and my bookshelves.

Couple years later, I rented a part of a garage at a public storage business. The garage had a space heater and I could use a kerosene unit in the winter. It was 100 bucks a month (1991). There was no bathroom, but I developed the ability to use gallon milk jugs  (and, my house was close by). By then, I had a computer.

You do what you have to do, and figure it out the best you can.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You're going to be unhappy because you aren't living the life you want. A little Steve McQueen wisdom for you - "I live for myself and answer to nobody". Try following that advice and you'll be far happier! Follow YOUR dreams and do so unapologetically, even if that means disappointing others or ending otherwise satisfactory relationships. After all, only you are responsible for your choices, consequences, and satisfaction in life.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Personally, I_ love_ alternate lifestyles! 

There are lots of options to live inexpensively. 

For the past two years, I've lived at a ski resort. They take $200 out of my pay each month, and my stay here has included food, utilities, w/d, etc. And there's plenty of time to do your own thing. Amazing wildflowers that cover the mountains in the summer and then snow all winter.

Before I came here, I worked on a small cruising vessel in Alaska. It paid about 3x what the lodge does - including airfare to come and go, but the work was also much harder.

There are websites devoted to seasonal work, if you'd like to move around (travel and get paid). 

I thought about living in a small airstream, and I took sailing lessons in order to be a liveaboard. I may continue those at some point.

I've decided to leave the lodge in a couple of months, and I'll be traveling through housesitting. I stay for free and take care of the owners pets (sometimes there's light housework or gardening, etc).

If you're a backpacker and want to travel abroad, it can actually be a lot less expense than staying put. $12,000 annually (more or less depending on your lifestyle) would do it. Housesitting internationally is also a lifestyle for some.

Ideally, I'd like to travel for a few months each year and then find a homebase. 

My plan is to rent a furnished room in someone's house, because I have no desire to own a home again. 

It depends where you're located, but just a few days ago, I was looking at rental costs near my old sailing school, and rooms were around $500/m. There was even one guy living in the historic district who was offering $200/m + helping him renovate his house.

A couple of other barter options:

https://www.workaway.info
World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms

Lots and lots of ways to make it work. Don't feel trapped.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> Desired:
> Freedom to get the company started in the workshop at the home.
> Freedom to maybe date, but that wasn't a high priority
> Get back on track with running
> ...


Forgot!

Lots of monastery options!

A friend of mine just spent a year in Asia and part of that was at a monastery in Nepal. He also went to a yoga school for a month or two. 

He came back to the US this summer, earned some more money, and now he's back in Asia. He posted recently and was very proud of his $10 hotel room in Sri Lanka. And he's surfing everyday. 

I'm not sure where he stayed, but if you ever want to know, I'll ask him.

http://monkforamonth.com
Kopan Monastery - Kopan Monastery, Kathmandu Nepal
https://www.buddhistmonasteries.org


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Follow YOUR dreams and do so unapologetically, even if that means disappointing others or ending otherwise satisfactory relationships.


Yes. Understand that "otherwise satisfactory" means UNSATISFACTORY. If a person in a relationship with you does not support your dreams and desires of life, then ultimately, that person is not a good choice for a relationship.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

You aren't happy because you aren't taking charge of your own life. 

One piece of advice my father gave me, which I have stuck to is "never expect a man to take care of you" - Well, you are expecting someone else to take care of you, and thus you do not have freedom. Freedom to do what you want, to follow your own path, to be your own man. 

I don't know what sort of business you are planning, but without your own space, without major capital to get it going, a business plan, contacts and customers - I do not imagine that will be a profiting endeavor any time soon. 

I agree with another poster - rent a room somewhere, get a job, any old J O B if you are not able to get hired in the industry you used to work in (how long have you been out of work and why?)

Sorry for the tough love, but its pretty clear from your various posts that you are not on the right path, and its time to start doing the perhaps hard, uncomfortable and unpleasant tasks to take control of your life.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I dunno, but this stuck out when I read your post "(side note: my women always choose me - I don't get to choose)" Stop letting others decide how you live and start deciding for your self. You are not where you want to be because you have allowed others to dictate where you are. Stop being passive and start be proactive. That is the only advice I can give you.


I don't get to choose women because I don't represent what they think they want - I'm not tall, dark, nor handsome and intentionally not an alpha. I generate success by collaborating, being quietly competent and supporting others. The women who get interested in me are those who've spent time with me and gotten to know who I am, not what I look like. Having said "I don't get to choose", I now realize, is an exaggeration, for which I apologize. I do choose - from the women who approach me. All of the women I've been with have had amazing characteristics in one way or another - I haven't ever been with a dud.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you have no job and are dependent on this woman, being her "manny" for her two teen boys... am I reading this right?? How in the world to you not have time to get yourself together? Those boys are in school all day. You need to learn to manage your time and prioritize. So what if the breakfast mess is there in the morning? Go for your run then come back and clean up, its not like the mess is going anywhere! You are making excuses, and you seem to have lost yourself. It doesn't sound like you really even want to be with this woman, but stay because she provides you a home. 

Get a job. Any job. Reclaim your self respect. Do you really want to be dependent on a woman like this?? I sure as hell don't want to depend on a man in this way.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> You're going to be unhappy because you aren't living the life you want. A little Steve McQueen wisdom for you - "I live for myself and answer to nobody". Try following that advice and you'll be far happier! Follow YOUR dreams and do so unapologetically, even if that means disappointing others or ending otherwise satisfactory relationships. After all, only you are responsible for your choices, consequences, and satisfaction in life.


But how do you know what "for yourself" is? I did the stuff I did because I saw a societal hole that I was able to fill..and when you have the kinds of handicaps I have (mental and eyesight - but neither bad enough to prevent me from maknig it, barely, through college, and not bad enough to prevent me from driving), it seems there are few holes I can fill. A broken working memory and inability to juggle multiple things at once keeps me from doing any kind of administrative work, for instance...even for myself.

How do I develop dreams? I never really had any.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you have no job and are dependent on this woman, being her "manny" for her two teen boys... am I reading this right?? How in the world to you not have time to get yourself together? Those boys are in school all day. You need to learn to manage your time and prioritize. So what if the breakfast mess is there in the morning? Go for your run then come back and clean up, its not like the mess is going anywhere! You are making excuses, and you seem to have lost yourself. It doesn't sound like you really even want to be with this woman, but stay because she provides you a home.
> 
> Get a job. Any job. Reclaim your self respect. Do you really want to be dependent on a woman like this?? I sure as hell don't want to depend on a man in this way.


Nope, didn't lose myself. Never knew where myself was. I'm not dependent on her per se. I could go rent a place, and have enough in savings to pay rent for 5-8 years perhaps. I'm already old enough that employers really don't want me, fearing that I'm good for another 1-3 years at most, and my particular skillset recommends me only to very long large projects. Plus my ADHD-like symptoms left me with nearly 40 years of "insufficient productivity" annual reviews. Me and an employer are probably not a good match. I never identified myself with job/career...that was just a way to put money in the bank.

Many people employ full-time household managers. Usually not people at the income level of the girlfriend. She has fibromyalgia, a wasting disorder. You know that body ache that you get when you have the flu? Not a cold, but the flu, that ache that tells you that you absolutely do not have the energy to get out of bed? She has that 24X7, a weak version. So when she's done with a day at work (which is 100% about dealing with people in their last days of life, and managing their families), it is fully understandable that she really does not have much energy. That she enjoys cooknig is a blessing, so she handles dinner. But it's no surprise that she hasn't the energy to change cat boxes, water the veggie garden (or plant it), do touch-up painting where walls get damaged when the boys knock over a book case...

In addition to regular teen support, there is - 

- House repair and upgrade. Previous husband neglected most things, and when he did anything, it was bizarre. So I'm doing things like removing ugly industrial-grade lighting fixtures and installing more ordinary looking consumer fixtures.
- The usual things required when a 35 year old house goes through its first cycle of required repairs:
...all fixtures and outlets
...Re-seal windows
...Re-level soil around foundation and yard
...Replacing worn-out water heater, stove, oven, dishwasher

Band:
- Build rehearsal space in garage and equip with good enough sound system
- Upgrade and improve as required as we begin to have gigs and recognize further needs, such as a monitor system
- Rehearse my own musical roles in the band
- Serve as band manager and musical director


The two teens are high-achievers and do a lot of extra-curricular activities, which the school does not supply transportation to/from and which require some additional shopping. Most of is is musical, so there is some entertainment value in helping them acquire instruments, etc.

The older teen is going to a local community college in a few months, so another sub-project is helping him acquire used furniture for an apartment and trucking it for him.


Most of what I do has elements of goodness in it - there's a bit of satisfaction in knowing what I am doing make other people's lives better...but it's not my core...yet...and I'm not sure how much of my current ennui is because all of this is new and wasn't planned...but how much of life is plannned...am I expecting too much? and so forth


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

DustyDog said:


> But how do you know what "for yourself" is? I did the stuff I did because I saw a societal hole that I was able to fill..and when you have the kinds of handicaps I have (mental and eyesight - but neither bad enough to prevent me from maknig it, barely, through college, and not bad enough to prevent me from driving), it seems there are few holes I can fill. A broken working memory and inability to juggle multiple things at once keeps me from doing any kind of administrative work, for instance...even for myself.
> 
> *How do I develop dreams? * I never really had any.


How do you know what for yourself is? Well that's simple. You have to decide who you want to be and what life you want to live. Finding and filling societal holes is not living for yourself, rather it is finding a way to integrate in other people's lives. Do you know what makes you happy? Where would you like to see yourself in the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? If you don't have any dreams you really should spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish and/or experience in your life before you die and then go do those things. 

Here's an example from my life. A long term goal is to become fluently bilingual (I'm partial) and live in a foreign country. To foster that goal I practice the duolingo and rosetta stone language programs regularly and try to interact in a foreign language when I am around people from that country. I'm also getting my all my debts completely paid so I can leave the country without a mortgage, student loans, or other major expenses.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I shouldnthave said:


> You aren't happy because you aren't taking charge of your own life.


I've never felt like I knew who I was - what are my inner drives. I've always been able to keep income flowing by satisfying some societal need. Some brain issues (I have necrotic tissue from oxygen deprivation at birth, which seem to lead to extreme ADHD symptoms that resist medication and counseling...limitations on what I can do, but should also provide special skills, which I have yet to learn to take advantage of) mean I can't just find something I like and do it - many things I would LOVE to be able to do just don't land in my brain well, such as playing a musical instrumement. So, I've spent my life "making do" by doing things at which I didn't suck too badly...and laughing about it, BTW, I'm not morbid or depressed about it.

So, "taking charge" - yes, I have been 100% responsible for the financial end of my life. Currently, my relationship is financially interdependent - and there's nothing wrong with that. Most people in the US with kids find that they "can't" make it on one income anyway. We dont' quite make it on her income alone...but the dipping I'm doing into my nest egg is smaller than the market returns I'm getting, so at least I'm not draining my savings.

But I've never really felt like I chose "my bliss" as some say, and I don't know "my happy place"...rather, I find varying levels of satisfaction in succeeding at the things I do spend time doing, or attempting (the ADHD symptom I have makes it very hard to finish anything). Many psychologists have told me that my only problem is that I don't work hard enough at being happy about the things that I do end up doing and they may have a point...but none of it feels "intentional"..that is, I didn't decide, five years ago, that when I was closing in on 70 years old, this is what I want in my life.

I'm not financcially dependent on her. I find out financial arrangement to be an acceptable situation while I figure out a longer-term plan. I could leave now and rent a place. Around here, the minimum rental on Craigslist is $550 a month, and that's to share a room with someone else, in a house. If I want my own room, it starts at $700, and if I want my own place, and not have it in the highest-crime rates in town, it starts at $1200. Spending at that level (plus health insurance, food, supplies for shop) would deplete savings in 4-6 years, and I'd rather have more time than that to get the company going.



I shouldnthave said:


> One piece of advice my father gave me, which I have stuck to is "never expect a man to take care of you" - Well, you are expecting someone else to take care of you, and thus you do not have freedom.


Nope, she doens't take care of me. We've discussed this, and it's more like I take care of her and two teens, and for that, I pay no rent. I DO pay for plenty of other things - repairs to the house, maintaining the 17 year old's car, half the food, and I foot the bills for our camping and other adventures. She pays for the 17 year old's college, and most of their extra-curricular activities (that stuff's expensive!) and all the utility bills. We are independent on our own health insurance and cellphones.

Freedom is limited in any case. There's no way to earn income without being beholden to someone - either an employer or your customers. So, in order to be "free", you have to define in which ways you want to be free. If you want to be free of the need for money, you have to find a way to stay healthy and happy living under a bridge. I've done that, as an experiment, and have decided I don't want to again LOL.



I shouldnthave said:


> Freedom to do what you want, to follow your own path, to be your own man.


Ah, there's my problem. I don't think I know what "my own path" is. I have tended to be an opportunist, something shows up that I think I can actually do, and that's what I do. I have a sense that I've never "followed my bliss" and now in my increasing dotage (although not decrepit yet), I've lived so much life without being in touch with my inner desires that I'm grappling with how to find them.



I shouldnthave said:


> I don't know what sort of business you are planning, but without your own space, without major capital to get it going, a business plan, contacts and customers - I do not imagine that will be a profiting endeavor any time soon.


That's actually not consistent with the way small businesses have been growing and succeeding since about the year 2000. "Bootstrapping" has been the most successful business model. You find something that will trickle in some money with very little investment and with that trickle, you put a bit of it into more gear, etc, so that your next endeavor will be something more profitable. My career was in electronics, I paid for college repairing 1970s vintage stereos (which were not vintage at the time, but were new on the shelves), and I've got enough test equipment and prototyping materials to start now without having to put in more capital. Formal business plans are normally for the purpose of securing loans, which I won't do. You know that old wisdom that "90% of businesses fail in one year?" It's not true. It has never been true. It IS true for a specfic sub-set of businesses: those that were financed with venture capital. And venture capitalists reigned from 1955 to 2000 and are no longer relevant. About ten years ago, I looked through my county's records of businesses that had been founded ten years prior to that. Of the many filings for DBAs, fully 88% of them were, ten years later, reporting taxable income. So, only 12% failed in TEN years, much less ONE. Of course, this is a limited universe - most local busienss licenses are for restaurants, hair salons, locksmiths, and other busiensses with well-established models and limited expectations for growth. A great way to fail is to begin a business hoping to compete against Apple, or to grow that large! THOSE are the "unlikely to succeed" businesses.

For a small business - one that doesn't have pie-in-the-sky objectives of $100 million revenue in two years, but more like "sustainable with two employees in three years", instead of a formal written business plan, the tool of choice today is the "Busioness Model Canvas". This is a single sheet of paper on which you identify things like the unique contribution your product or serivce makes, what distribution streams are critial to you, who are your key partners, what are your customers currently spend on and do you compete or do you complement what's on the market now (generally, if you directly compete against something else, you're far less likely to succeed), how easy would it be for someone else to replicate your work, and so on. Wikipedia has an outstanding entry on this topic with a sample of just such a single-sheet canvas. BTW, this is the exact model taught in entrepreneurship classes at the college level today.



I shouldnthave said:


> I agree with another poster - rent a room somewhere, get a job, any old J O B if you are not able to get hired in the industry you used to work in (how long have you been out of work and why?)


I left work in 2015, after nearly 40 years of annual reviews indicating I was not adequate, and having to change jobs a lot. Every "issue" I had can be explained by ADHD, but I dont' want to blame ADHD - rather, I like to think that there really is something out there at which I could have excelled, I just never found it. Being organized and keeping on track of multiple things is not a key feature in my core strengths. Being a future visionary, being able to predict a market's response to a given trend - better. But the positinos in industry that use those skills also demand high organizational skills which I was not able to develop despite taking lots of classes and reading lots of books on it.

I was in technology, and as long as that meant designing circuits where one component connected to another and used the natural laws of physics, I could make things work well enough to contribute. But as time went on, writing software become an implicit part of any form of engineering. After 80 credit hours of classes in computer and computer science, my brain simply could not "get it" and ultimately, this is the reason I became unsuitable for working for an employer in the field. There are, indeed, products that don't require a programmable device, but they are not common - and it seems the only companies making them are little one and two person companies, such as the one I am contemplating launching.

I don't dislike bosses or managers - but I never understood what they wanted well enough to satisfy them. I did become good at job interviewing, since I had to do it so often! I don't see a future with me "working for" a company...the other drawback is that at my age, they don't see me as someone who's going to stick around to see a project through. The companies I did work for tended to have development cycles in the 3 to 8 year range.



I shouldnthave said:


> Sorry for the tough love, but its pretty clear from your various posts that you are not on the right path, and its time to start doing the perhaps hard, uncomfortable and unpleasant tasks to take control of your life.


I agree I'm not on the right path. What I lack is knowing how to figure out what the right path for me IS.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow. I can't even believe you have to explain to someone how to figure out what you want out of life. OP, it doesn't matter what your perceived handicaps are, they only hold you back if you let them. Stop making excuses and accomodations (which is exactly why you are unhappy) and start living for yourself. I don't know what this business is, but it won't happen until YOU make it happen.
Even more wows as I read thru the litany of excuses. You don't want to blame the ADHD, then go on and use it as an excuse for paragraphs. Later you provide a whole list of reasons why you should be able to succeed but then not one example of what you are doing to make it happen.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Wow. I can't even believe you have to explain to someone how to figure out what you want out of life. OP, it doesn't matter what your perceived handicaps are, they only hold you back if you let them. Stop making excuses and accomodations (which is exactly why you are unhappy) and start living for yourself. I don't know what this business is, but it won't happen until YOU make it happen.
> Even more wows as I read thru the litany of excuses. You don't want to blame the ADHD, then go on and use it as an excuse for paragraphs. Later you provide a whole list of reasons why you should be able to succeed but then not one example of what you are doing to make it happen.


The busines is just a thing. I am not convinced it's what will mean "following my desires". The business will get going. It won't be my first, and it won't be the first one like this. But without something that cuts to my core, my motivation to do the busienss is modest. The business is simply a means to have income without encountering the limitations that are caused by ADHD or whatever it is that has kept me from learning certain life skills despite 50+ years of trying. The reason I go on about the "maybe ADHD" is an attempt to explain something that is nearly impossible to understand unless you have it. "Wow, what's it like to be mentally handicapped?" I don't know - I have nothing to compare it to!

The business will work, of that I'm confident. What I'm NOT confident of is that it is something that will satisfy my soul. Oh, what am I doing to make the business work? Doesn't matter - not relevant to this discussion. Suffice it to say there are prototypes in the hands of touring musicians. Getting favorable reviews.

You can't believe that you have to explain to someone how to know what they want out of life? My friend, this is what drives MOST people to faith, most to counseling, and is an undercurrent of every possible variation of mental disorder. You have lived the privileged life of a neurotypical and I'm happy for you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> You can't believe that you have to explain to someone how to know what they want out of life? My friend, this is what drives MOST people to faith, most to counseling, and is an undercurrent of every possible variation of mental disorder. *You have lived the privileged life of a neurotypical and I'm happy for you.*


Are you autistic?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> The busines is just a thing. I am not convinced it's what will mean "following my desires". The business will get going. It won't be my first, and it won't be the first one like this. But without something that cuts to my core, my motivation to do the busienss is modest. The business is simply a means to have income without encountering the limitations that are caused by ADHD or whatever it is that has kept me from learning certain life skills despite 50+ years of trying. The reason I go on about the "maybe ADHD" is an attempt to explain something that is nearly impossible to understand unless you have it. "Wow, what's it like to be mentally handicapped?" I don't know - I have nothing to compare it to!
> 
> The business will work, of that I'm confident. What I'm NOT confident of is that it is something that will satisfy my soul. Oh, what am I doing to make the business work? Doesn't matter - not relevant to this discussion. Suffice it to say there are prototypes in the hands of touring musicians. Getting favorable reviews.
> 
> You can't believe that you have to explain to someone how to know what they want out of life? My friend, this is what drives MOST people to faith, most to counseling, and is an undercurrent of every possible variation of mental disorder. You have lived the privileged life of a neurotypical and I'm happy for you.


Privileged life? Not even close. But here is my final comment on your issues. Instead of always trying to appease someone else, do something for yourself and stop making excuses. Because, my friend, that is all you have done in post after post - make excuses. I would...but I have ADHD. I would...but I don't think it will help. I would..but… If you put half as much time into finding things that bring you joy as you do in making excuses why you can't, you would be a happy person.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Are you autistic?


2 of 5 on the spectrum. Diagnosed with a strong case of ADHD, overcome partially by high IQ. Oxygen deprived at birth, affecting a few brain centers with effects that haven't been categorized. At my age, it's very difficult to identify the distinction between a primary effect of these things, and personality oddities that I've developed along a lifetime of compensation.

I know I have struggles in front of me. I've had them for 50+ years. I have, in the past, had modest fulfillment and happiness at will despite that - but the current brain chaos is making that more difficult.

My fundamental question in this thread is to those who went through a divorce that, like mine, led to a complete uprooting. How long before you felt you had established a "new normal"? And, related, were there any enlightening moments, like some new habit you added that made you realize "I wish I'd done that before!" that helped along the way?


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