# ladies, why...???



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

why, during separation, do you (with your estranged husband)...

1) still go out with us
2) invite us to go places with you
3) encourage us when hope is lost
4) make dinner for us
5) delay filing for divorce

all of this leaves hope on the table. we're trying like hell to be your knight. when we are, and all this stuff just lays there, we hold our breath thinking "maybe there's a chance.

thank you


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

hmmm... never been in that situation but I can guess?

1. feeling guilty for dumping you, so trying to let you down easy (cowards way out)
2. feeling that they want to forgive you but are waiting for you to do.... ?? (ask them what they are waiting for or need from you to feel back in love with you)

Other than that I don't know.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i've considered both ideas, she's no coward, but i don't think she's waiting for any change, i think she thinks this is the right thing to do. i just don't want a divorce and haven't seen any filings.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

more than anything else, i'm looking for ideas to work with a woman who would leave the two doors open like this for me. i feel like she's still holding out hope, as brutal as her words might have been, because in therapy yesterday, she acknoledged that i felt our 20 years together was worth a valient effort to save us.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

there you go. Door is open, she is holding out hope. Now what are you two going to do with this hope?  

good luck to both of you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

To ease your anxiety here's my opinion. The uncertainty of your situation can be torture. So to eliminate the torture you have to focus on what is in your control. Focus on what you do know. You do know what you want and the situation as it stands today. You know you want to be with her more then anything in the world. And you know today you are married. Tomorrow might be another story, true, but you have no control over tomorrow, only today. Act in accordance with what you want and know today. 

I think there's probably also a level of anxiety for you because you feel you never know if what you are doing is the 'right' things for her. Since the separation came as such a shock to you there is some trauma in that for you. I think you guess at her reaction and behavior because you feel so utterly clueless and feel that at any moment she will just cut you off. If this is the case, then i think you ought be careful. After becoming hyper-vigilant in trying to guess and cage her moods and moderate your behavior to please her, you will also become extremely worn out. there has to be a balance between meeting the needs of another, and also being content with one's own effort no matter the outcome.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng-
i've been so outcome based my whole life. sales (units), radio (ratings), hockey(goals against avg), it's always been about results for me. effort , i just want to everything i can; to sell the next car; get the extra rating point; stop one extra goal per game. effort always equaled outcome. so when your in my situation, you throw the kitchen sink at it. that's the overboard over-the-top attitude you see or feel from me. i'm working on it conciously, i promise. i've just never done things that way.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

"And you know today you are married. Tomorrow might be another story"
Well said, ljtseng!!

I was separated twice from my husand, so I CAN tell you what I was thinking!
(And I did tell him what I wanted, too)
1) I still kept seeing him, and making dinner for him and such, because I didn't want him to get too lonely and despondent to TRY to make things work. 
2) I laid it out on the line that the separation was for him to have TIME to think about the situation, and make the changes he needed to. (Stop drinking heavily, and stop gambling, start treating me more respectfully). His answer was: "Fine! It;s stopped! You can come back home now!"
I told him no, that I wanted TIME, to see that the changes would last...Because the first time I did come back after only one week, and the drinking started up again after 4 days.
So this time I said I wanted him to get those changes ingrained in him...
All the while I did encourage him to visit, have "family time" with our daughter, etc etc.

Does that help?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

freeshias-
yep, i pray that's what's going on here. you make sense,
btw- do you mean "funisias?"
curious.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

why does she want a divorce, what is the main issues at hand?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

soccerman-

too long a history of alcohol abuse. led indirectly to stroke in january. sober thru 6 month hospital stay/stroke rehab relapsed (one beer after mowing the lawn..i had a stroke, baaad one almost killed/crippled me, mowe my lawn 5 months later. hot day, snuck a beer, wife flipped) sober now for 131 days. anyway, the beer made her go off, now other hostilities/issues have surfaced. all lewgitimate, i admit..


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ok so there is a 20 year worth of...stuff

Basically the volcano has been building and it finally "blew"

Well I would make sure all alchohol is removed from your house, I mean ALL. Tell her no more ever in the house, if she finds any to DUMP it. make your house a "dry house"

I would shower her with gifts, get counselin (sounds like you already are) Get couple counselling.

If I were you i would get her flowers, candy, take her out for dinner once a week. Start dating over.

You have ALLOT to PROVE to here, 20 years of damage is hard to erase quickly and I can understand why she is shaky.

She needs time and you CAN NOT afford another relapse.

Switch to water, trust I love my beer and I can only imagine what you are going through mentally and physically.

If I were you I would recommend, joining a gym, working out 3-5 days a week, a minimum of 1 month, force yourself to go, I noticed when people get passed the "three week mark" they want to continue to go, you get an adreneline rush from it and your body will start craving the gym "working out" transfer that "need" to the gym as opposed to Alchohol. It works.

If you have no idea where to start, most gyms have trainers or get a good "program" book. I have followed the book "New Rules of Lifting" and has worked wonders for me and I love to go to our gym now, before, not so much.

Now do not have your wife join, just do it yourself, if she wishes to join later on, tell her you would like that and encourage her then. If she asks why are you joining the gym, Say, For you honey, and for myself, I need to change my life to keep you and to save my own life.

If gym is to much, Try walking around town and maybe jogging, or Biking, Some sort of Exercise 3-5 times a week. Now don't go mr. Olympian, do 30-45 mins a day work your way up from 1 mile, to 2, miles, etc. Sign up of r a race a few months down the line and work towars that, saw a 5K race, set a goal and Achieve it.

These simple things will help with your marriage and healing the pain that has caused you and your wife. Marriage counseling is a must, talking and showing your wife you care is a must.

You made a mistake, now fix it.

Best of luck and keep me informed of your progess


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mommy,
i agree with MT 100%, in fact i've lost almost 100 lbs since the stroke. some has been due to no alcohol, some has been due the the physical therapy, my doc says i'll be running before we're done rehabbing, right now i can but it looks mighty silly. lack of muscle coordination. i limp still, but not bad.

me beth and the kids are going to a historical site this weekend, it requires a pretty good hike in the hills, that's about my speed now.

the sobriety i have no problem with, not to be overconfident, but zero cravings and no triggers so far (fingers crossed). physically, no addiction feelings.

she is trying to protect herself, i agree, but she seems to be worried about her self-respect. if i could reach a point with her where she could accept me back without dinging her self-respect, i'd have something. hmmm...


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Ok so there is a 20 year worth of...stuff
> 
> Basically the volcano has been building and it finally "blew"
> 
> ...


I cringe when I read your advice. Please go to the divorce and seperation threads to read his story. 

He is starting to understand that he needs to get away from the "fix it" mentality and the buy flowers etc.mentality. that kind of generic advice doesnt apply to him.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

brad-
straight up question though...what about the dating??? we've got a family get together tomorrow and a date in the near future...should i back off that too???


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

voivod said:


> brad-
> straight up question though...what about the dating??? we've got a family get together tomorrow and a date in the near future...should i back off that too???


No you shouldnt back off the date. But before, during and after the date you shouldnt send off desperate, anxious signals to your wife. Dont ask for validation or psycho analyze every move your wife makes. Go into the date in a lighthearted mood with NO expectations except to enjoy yourself.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

brad-
good to see you back, man. i just got off the phone with fred talisman, and he's of the same mind. don't do anything that would be taken as insincere. google him: fred talisman. he's solid


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

"btw- do you mean "funisias?""

Voivod...
It's actually supposed to be FREESIAS, my favorite flower...LOL
But I spelled it wrong way back when, and it stuck!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

no, it's cool. i just found out about funisias, i had never heard of it before. i thought what a wierd coincidence if...


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

What are funisias?
I tried typing it in the computer search engine. No results.

These are freesias...They come in many colors


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sorry about that, I didn't go through all his posts, I just read this one and gave my honest opinion. Didn't know the man had a stroke.

But glad he is following your advice brad and it's working for him, a good result is what we all are looking for.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dont pity me and my stroke. i'm gonna play hockey again and run a 10k...see ya there!
thanks soccerman


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ahhh A fellow Hockey man!! good show my man! Then a stroke should be normal after all the checks into the wall!! :smthumbup: LOl 

anyway, glad you are alright keep going forward that is the best you can do.

Congrats on Staying sober...You can do it!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

voivod said:


> why, during separation, do you (with your estranged husband)...
> 
> 1) still go out with us
> 2) invite us to go places with you
> ...


I could ask the same thing from you guys!! This is how confusing my life is with my estranged husband now. Talk about mixed signals!!! I've narrowed it down to three possibilities. Either it's confusion, indecisiveness, or just plain cowardness. In my situation it could be a combination of all three.

voivod, I really think you are on the right track. At least your estranged wife is responding positively to your actions.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

827,
after really being down in the dumps for weeks, i'm convinced right now that i am on the right track. she will not let her guard down. she lets me get close to her, then i swear she gets mad at herself and throws it in reverse. you think i'm manic!!!! she drives me nuts, which is so damned alluring.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

827,

you say:
"I've narrowed it down to three possibilities. Either it's confusion, indecisiveness, or just plain cowardness."

i've learned that i'll take all three, or a combination. any hesitation in the defenses. just so long as i have an opportunity to display my "new self."

oh yeah, add to my "why do you do these things" list:

why do you come over rather late at night to discuss mundane details of little annoyances in life. you know, the stuff we used to enjoy talking about??? have a good night honey, i love you.


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