# New here ....married since 2002 and now in the dumps



## svenetc

Hi , I am Sven and married ( still ) to my wife for almost 18 years. However on Monday she came home got the kids ( 14 and 16 ) and just left. Moved to her moms house ...along with all our cats.
No abuse, violence or neglect in this house ever. 
She just said she is unhappy for 16 years and left. No further word. 

Makes no sense to me - especially she always and every day told me " I Love you " ....for 18 years or 16 - a lie ? - What the heck ? Why do I have to boys from that time than which she wanted so bad ? 

Help please !
I do not know what to do and puzzled.

Thanks


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## SunCMars

Well, Sven, we need more information.

Too soon to tell, and I can only surmise.
Surprise!

The early possibles:

a) Some Prince turned her head, or you Royally turned her off.

b) She loves you as a person, and as her long time husband, but she is not in love with you.

c) She likely felt the urge at 6 years, then 12, then scratched the itch at ~18 years of marriage.
.............................................................................................

Some ladies are polite even as they walk out the door.

Did you ask her why?
That would be a good start.

Even if she lies, the truth will eventually come out.

Sounds like she had enough, got her plans in place and pulled the pin.

Help us out with more information.

Thanks and sorry you are present....here.


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## SunCMars

She has already said she has not loved you for the last 16 years. That is cheaterspeak.

Then again, she may be telling the truth. She has been planning this escape for a long time.
Dunno.

If you are curious, you should put your detective hat on.

Not that it really matters, as she is gone, and she left with short notice.

How was your sex life, say for the last two years, with special emphasis on the last 6 months?


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## MattMatt

Seek legal protection, now.


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## maquiscat

svenetc said:


> Hi , I am Sven and married ( still ) to my wife for almost 18 years. However on Monday she came home got the kids ( 14 and 16 ) and just left. Moved to her moms house ...along with all our cats.
> 
> No abuse, violence or neglect in this house ever.
> 
> She just said she is unhappy for 16 years and left. No further word.
> 
> 
> 
> Makes no sense to me - especially she always and every day told me " I Love you " ....for 18 years or 16 - a lie ? - What the heck ? Why do I have to boys from that time than which she wanted so bad ?
> 
> 
> 
> Help please !
> 
> I do not know what to do and puzzled.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks


Check out my posts. I have one that links to a podcast about how quiet instead of conflict precedes a breakup. That particular series has several episodes that deals with relationships in general, mono or poly, so don't let the target audience throw you off. At the least you might have a better understanding of why she left. At best you might find some ways to salvage the marriage of that is what you want.

Edit: here is the thread
https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink/to...&share_fid=39988&share_type=t&link_source=app


Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat

SunCMars said:


> She has already said she has not loved you for the last 16 years. That is *cheaterspeak*.


What is it with some of you guys jumping right into the cheating? It's almost an obsession.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1

Something unsaid is missing, two boys 14&16 leave with their mom? That speaks of something. But as far as her going to her mom's house is odd. What has happened here in the marriage? It could be someone else or it could be fear of you? I do find it odd that the 16 yr old didn't stay. Generally at that age they want their Independence, and was more likely to get it with you. 

To stay 16 of those 18 yrs unhappy by her words, could be the final straw. But sometimes, something has forced a person to do exactly what she has done. Tell us more.

Your title say only in the dumps, not devastated why is that?


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## Arkansas

there is way more going on


ok, so she is way more than just "unhappy" ..... unhappy can be worked on by communication and counseling etc. She's making a move of separation. 

an affair is most likely the culprit and catalyst for this, IF there truly is nothing abusive at home

I'm guessing there is far more here too .... years of no communication between you two? A recent death in the family, going back to college, some life changing event that has triggered a mid-life crisis of some kind ??


its rare to just up and leave after that long - something is up, something is wrong


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## dadstartingover

From my years of talking to hundreds of men in your shoes, I can say this with confidence: It's most likely cheating.

Read this: Seven Signs Your Wife is Cheating


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## SunCMars

maquiscat said:


> What is it with some of you guys jumping right into the cheating? It's almost an obsession.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I agree...

If you had read the entire post I added this in the next sentence:



> Then again, she may be telling the truth. She has been planning this escape for a long time.
> Dunno.


I was the First Responder, hah, cute! 

I was shooting in the dark. Uh, somebody has to go first when responding to TAM users. It ain't a science, it is merely communication. 

With that in mind I had to state some possibilities. Cheating is often one of them for a woman who 'suddenly' leaves a marriage, for no '*obvious' reason.

I agree, there are 'certainly reasons' for her leaving. I stated some. She may NOT be a cheater. *She rewrote the marriage when she said that she had not loved him for 16 years.
That is unlikely and could, well be, an exaggeration, a cruel one to utter, for sure.

She may have left her husband for 'good reasons'. 

Hopefully, we will find out.

OP will need to bring his Thread further along for us to answer more definitively.


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## maquiscat

SunCMars said:


> I agree...
> 
> If you had read the entire post I added this in the next sentence:
> 
> 
> 
> I was the First Responder, hah, cute!
> 
> I was shooting in the dark. Uh, somebody has to go first when responding to TAM users. It ain't a science, it is merely communication.
> 
> With that in mind I had to state some possibilities. Cheating is often one of them for a woman who 'suddenly' leaves a marriage, for no '*obvious' reason.
> 
> I agree, there are 'certainly reasons' for her leaving. I stated some. She may NOT be a cheater. *She rewrote the marriage when she said that she had not loved him for 16 years.
> That is unlikely and could, well be, an exaggeration, a cruel one to utter, for sure.
> 
> She may have left her husband for 'good reasons'.
> 
> Hopefully, we will find out.
> 
> OP will need to bring his Thread further along for us to answer more definitively.


You're not the only one. First in this thread and only one so far as of when I asked. But it just seems like the automatic go to for several people on here.

Edit: I see two more have joined the fray. Lol

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## wilson

svenetc said:


> Makes no sense to me - especially she always and every day told me " I Love you " ....for 18 years or 16 - a lie ?


How often did you say "I love you" to her? One possibility is that she loved you but didn't feel the love was reciprocated.  There's not a lot of detail in your post, but many times men just feel that doing their duty as a good husband and provider is enough. They have a good job, do chores around the house, and stuff like that, but they don't have a deep, emotional connection with their wife. The relationship might be more like roommates. Without a strong emotional connection, she may feel lonely and alone. She may have felt that things would never change and she had to leave.

I doubt that everything was truly fine and she just left abruptly. There had to be signs, discussions, or something. Even if something happened recently, there likely would have been a personality or behavior change. Try and think back over your relationship to when she may have said she was unhappy or when you think things may have changed.

But the most likely reason is that she met someone and thinks she can be happy with that person. Even if nothing has happened yet, just having a crush on someone may be enough to cause her to leave. You will likely need to consider this and other things as possibilities as you work through this.


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## 3Xnocharm

How many times did she come to you with the issues that were making her unhappy? What did you do about it?


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## svenetc

Well folks , Thanks for all the responses !

I don't wanna reply to every single one individually so I just write here.
Whatever is going on I do not know.
My Boys are very independent but they had no choice provided by her to stay with me.
I had no say and so they went with their mom.
If she was cheating or fell for another men - she could have said something instead of saying she is unhappy.
Sometimes I am unhappy at work but I do not quit. I address the issue and find a solution .
Why she moved to her mom is beyond me - I don,t get it. I believe she had the influence on that because her Husband ( my Father in Law ) passed 2018 and she is lonely.
My love for my wife and kids has not changed -and btw. I told her and meant it multiple times a day for all them years .
She got pampered 24/7 and now abandoned me without any warning or talk.


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## Casual Observer

svenetc said:


> Well folks , Thanks for all the responses !
> 
> I don't wanna reply to every single one individually so I just write here.
> Whatever is going on I do not know.
> My Boys are very independent but they had no choice provided by her to stay with me.
> I had no say and so they went with their mom.
> If she was cheating or fell for another men - she could have said something instead of saying she is unhappy.
> Sometimes I am unhappy at work but I do not quit. I address the issue and find a solution .
> *Why she moved to her mom is beyond me - I don,t get it. I believe she had the influence on that because her Husband ( my Father in Law ) passed 2018 and she is lonely.*
> My love for my wife and kids has not changed -and btw. I told her and meant it multiple times a day for all them years .
> She got pampered 24/7 and now abandoned me without any warning or talk.


What sort of relationship do you have with your mother-in-law? Do you have any friends in common with your wife who might help you figure out what's going on?

Regarding her saying she's been unhappy 16 of the 18 years you've been married, that's not so unusual. Partly because people tend to re-write history looking backward, so that it's consistent with how they feel at the moment.


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## Prodigal

At the very least, it sounds like there was a major breakdown in communication that started long ago. As a woman, I can tell you that SOMETHING would be motivating me to leave a marriage. But just to up and leave? Nope. No way. I'm not going to jump on the affair bandwagon. She may be having an affair, she may not.

But my guess would be that she was giving you some sort of signals she wasn't happy, even if those signals were passive-aggressive and rather oblique. 

Think about it. Was your sex life stellar up until she left? Did you two have common interests/hobbies? Were you on the same page on how to raise your kids? Like I said, something triggered her abrupt departure. Because although it may appear abrupt to you, it sounds to me like she was ready to leave way before she actually walked.


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## Casual Observer

Prodigal said:


> At the very least, it sounds like there was a major breakdown in communication that started long ago. As a woman, I can tell you that SOMETHING would be motivating me to leave a marriage. But just to up and leave? Nope. No way. I'm not going to jump on the affair bandwagon. She may be having an affair, she may not.
> 
> But my guess would be that she was giving you some sort of signals she wasn't happy, even if those signals were passive-aggressive and rather oblique.
> 
> Think about it. Was your sex life stellar up until she left? Did you two have common interests/hobbies? Were you on the same page on how to raise your kids? Like I said, something triggered her abrupt departure. Because although it may appear abrupt to you, it sounds to me like she was ready to leave way before she actually walked.


Agreed, although seriously, does the sex life have to be "stellar" to prevent total unhappiness, so much so that someone just walks out? "Above average" isn't good enough? Everybody from Lake Wobegone would end up divorced?

It does seem really strange to think there'd be no warning whatsoever. And just saying "I love you" everyday... that could be a perfunctory response without meaning. If someone said _I love you!_ that would be different. Or if they split each word apart from the next. Lots of ways of conveying very differing meanings with the exact same words.


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## heartsbeating

This is not typical of a reaction where there is a healthy environment/dynamic. The boys had 'no choice' and you had 'no say'... well, it might have seemed that way, but in a normal setting, most of us have choices and a say. Is she answering your calls? You need to ask her what this is all about, and then seek legal advise. Aside from the mention of cheating (from either of you), there's too many possibilities that could be occurring. Addiction, mental health concerns, financial crises, emotional or physical abuse... there's no way this forum could fathom what is happening between you.

I personally can only imagine packing up and instantly leaving, without communication, if my husband did something completely untoward. However, as you seem in the dark as to what this is about, only she can provide you with answers. And if she's not willing to, perhaps there's room for a professional mediator.


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## Adelais

I'm surprised your sons didn't protest. At their age they have minds of their own, and they don't like major change without making a fuss.


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## Adelais

Describe the years of your marriage.

Anger?
Financial problems?
Depression?
Arguments with resentments building up?
Not being heard?
Sexual issues?
Disappointments due to incompatability or different values?

She didn't just move out for no reason. I'm not saying her reason is good or moral (i.e. if she is cheating, for example), but she has a reason or reasons, and you have to have an idea that there were problems in the home.


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## Arkansas

"If she was cheating or fell for another men - she could have said something instead of saying she is unhappy."

nope, that's not the way it works (I found that out myself) most people have a deep rooted understanding that adultery is wrong. To admit to it would #1 shatter the fantasy they've build and #2 it would be admitting they're the problem

blaming you is much easier


"Why she moved to her mom is beyond me - I don,t get it. I believe she had the influence on that because her Husband ( my Father in Law ) passed 2018 and she is lonely."

nope. Your wife chose - your MIL didn't. Your wife isn't communicating with you - and you need to IMO try to get some. Have you not talked to her at ALL about what's going on ? Asking questions like why did you leave? what's wrong? have you not tried to see your son's ?

in some states I'd think it illegal to remove children from their fathers - have you looked into that ?


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## SunCMars

svenetc said:


> Well folks , Thanks for all the responses !
> 
> I don't wanna reply to every single one individually so I just write here.
> Whatever is going on I do not know.
> My Boys are very independent but they had no choice provided by her to stay with me.
> I had no say and so they went with their mom.
> If she was cheating or fell for another men - she could have said something instead of saying she is unhappy.
> Sometimes I am unhappy at work but I do not quit. I address the issue and find a solution .
> Why she moved to her mom is beyond me - I don,t get it. I believe she had the influence on that because her Husband ( my Father in Law ) passed 2018 and she is lonely.
> My love for my wife and kids has not changed -and btw. I told her and meant it multiple times a day for all them years .
> She got pampered 24/7 and now abandoned me without any warning or talk.


OK, what are you going to do about this, your situation?

Does your wife work? If so, visit the mother in law when no one is home. Ask her what is going on with her daughter. 

Uh, you do have a cordial relationship with Mamma in law, right?
Ask the same of one of your joint friends, if you feel she has shared this separation with them.

I realize this is only day 2 since your first post, but you need to be more specific on those questions asked. 
"I don't know", is not an appropriate answer after 18 years of marriage.

Remember, we don't know you from Adam, or Steve. Whatever you write will not be tracked back to you. 
We have heard it all.

You are anonymous and no one will think less of you. 

............................................................................

Again, how was your intimacy over the last two years?

Does your wife work?
Does she almost always, come home right after work?
Does she do any 'girls night outs'?
Does she have some unexplained periods where she was out and you did not know where she was?
Does she have any toxic girlfriends who may have poisoned your marriage?

Have you cheated on her?
Is she angry at you for something, whether you were, in the wrong, or not?
Does she have any male friends, not relatives?
Does she hide her phone?
Does she spend time on her computer, on things you do not know about?

THINK!

What is the reason the boys must not stay with you? Those are your words.

Are you bi-sexual, have you abused the children, or other children?


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## Gabriel

Maybe she found something. You have something to hide? Porn collection? Messages to an old flame? Drug stash? Bones from dead people?

IMHO, people don't do what she did, that suddenly, unless they see or find something that really disturbs them. Especially, if everything seemed fine yesterday.


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## SunCMars

Questions are feelers.

Some feelers tickle.
Some feelers stimulate a persons mind, memory and imagination.
Some feelers anger.
Some feelers scare off some people; maybe people who have something to hide. Or, they have something that they fear to admit, or face.

Just Sayin'



THRD-


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

maquiscat said:


> What is it with some of you guys jumping right into the cheating? It's almost an obsession.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I'm not absolutely pro the cheater bandwagon but the lying daily of "love you" then leave suddenly speaks volumes about how exceptional the W is at lying.

That makes it one step from cheating because for the sudden departure there was long term planning by her. 

With a reason she wanted to be unknown in all ways to H.

So hop, skip it's not a leap to her having an outside the M activity that could easily been an affair.


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## Marduk

Something has changed recently. You mention your father in law dying. Anything else?


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