# Not sexless but intimacy light



## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

I am fortunate to have a very sexy wife (39 y.o.). We have 3 kids (10, 5, and 2). I have a great job that pays incredibly well and our financial future looks very rosy. Wife does not work. We are both very fit and go to the gym 4 to 5 times each week.

I am HD but I am not sure what my wife is. I could have sex every day and I still find my wife highly desirable. I think she looks better now than she did when I met her. I get her sexy lingerie to wear, which she does, and we fool around with it. Occasionally we get a hotel room to ourselves for a night, no kids.

Here's the rub: she never initiates, ever, she does not touch me or play with me during sex, she has little imagination and expects me to do all the work during sex. She never insinuates, never teases, never grabs me on the butt, just nothing. 

We stayed at a nice hotel with two rooms a few weeks ago, one room for us, one for the kids. I took a shower and got in the bed and she came in after putting the kids to sleep. She took her clothes off, got into bed next to me, closed her eyes, and just laid there. I put her hand on my member, her hand just went floppy. This is not the first time this has happened. I was so angry with her.

The dilemma is that she thinks I'm sex-crazed and too demanding in bed. But this lack of passion is killing me. Every time I bring it up she gets defensive, tells me that I am the problem, and says I should just get used to it.

I refuse to do this as I enjoy touching and being touched. I enjoy giving and receiving. But with her it seems I mostly give. I want her to *want* to please me but she seems either uninterested or unable.

When we were dating we had a lot more sex and she would go down on me while I was on the phone, we tried anal sex (haven't returned to it though), you get the idea. Now I am lucky if I get oral once a month. Having 3 kids is a lot of work and I make sure she gets lots of time off: the spa, shopping outings alone, you get the picture. She has several days a week all to herself with kids in daycare and at school all day.

As things stand right now we get along fine but I am reluctant to have sex with her. The floppy hotel sex a few weeks ago really did a number on me. 

But how do I bring this up with her? I don't think this is going to get better unless I find a way. This is not a sexless marriage though frequency could use some work. But I want sex, when we do have it, to be more of a connection and a lot hotter, with passion and desire.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Forget the sex part. Do you feel you're emotionally connected with your wife or not? 

Also, is your wife from the same or similar background, religion, culture, zee works. 

Incidentally, 3 kids of that age are not a lot of work... They can be, but don't have to be. The real time wasters are middle school and later


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I could have written your post but my situation is reversed. H and I had a big talk about 3 months ago and he was been trying to change. However, I seem to be realizing that passion and being creative with sex may be a personality trait that you do or do not have. Like I said, though, he IS trying and has started giving me oral (which he never has done before in our 18 years of marriage.)


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

There is clearly a difference in terms of intimacy for you two. Neither of you are wrong. You just have differing levels of desire and how to express those levels.
It would IMHO be a mistake for either of you to assume the other should have the same level of desire. Getting mad at her says to me, you feel she should approach intimacy with the same gusto you do or at least something more than lying there. 
Her saying you are sex crazed says to me she feels you need to tone it down or at least show a little less passion so often.
Neither is right. Neither is wrong. You need to find some good middle ground that provides something for both of you.
If you each hold to your present views and can find no compromise, might be time for a disinterested third party to get involved - that is the good old professional counseling.
Are all the other aspects of the relationship working well - communication, sharing, openness, honesty, enjoy doing things together and with the kiddos, and so on and so forth? And as someone else pointed out - three kids at those ages can pretty much wear the primary child care provider - her - down for the count. Kids can be nature's way for birth control.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The reasons your wifee has a low sex drive, is due to her having 3 kids and raising them. 

3 kids is a job in itself and will drain her. 

But after having 3 kids, her hormones will be off and meds will more than likely be required to get her sex drive back. 

Plus she may not want any more kids and is scared to get pregnant again. 

I'm not surprised she has no real interest in sex at this point.

Plus she is comfy in the marriage. You are the sole provider, she doesn't have to work, goes to the gym, raising the 3 kids, nice and comfy life for her. 

Maybe an EA or PA while you work from the gym?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Cuddlebug, I've noticed you often say that a woman's hormones are "off" after she has children, and she needs some kind of medical intervention to regain her interest in sex. That is simply not true. What are you basing this on exactly? Women are designed to have children, pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding are all natural healthy states and do not lead to some kind of long-term hormonal shift.

It is possible for the first 3/6 months post-birth, while exclusively breastfeeding there may be a hormone shift large enough to decrease sexual interest. But this is not a permanent state of affairs. 

OP, in your case your wife sounds sexually lazy and secure in the knowledge that you're not going anywhere. I can't imagine behaving like that and I am your wife's age with two children under 7 and a part-time job. 

No real advice except to say tell her you're not satisfied sexually and that it's going to have a negative long-term impact on your relationship.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP

I have a gentle question -- the floppy hotel incident --- was there any prior foreplay, touching, kissing involved before going to bed?

The move in itself -- placing her hand on your member, and your resulting anger, could be counter productive.

Yes, getting a hotel room to yourselves is a great idea once in awhile. Getting angry that a "cold move" didn't prompt her immediately into sex isn't a great idea.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

deejov said:


> Sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP
> 
> I have a gentle question -- the floppy hotel incident --- was there any prior foreplay, touching, kissing involved before going to bed?
> 
> ...


Thanks for everyone's feedback so far, it is much welcomed.

To answer your question, there was indeed foreplay. My wife has a great body and I enjoy touching and caressing her prior to or even in the absence of, sex. It is just rarely reciprocated. As I said originally, she hardly ever touches me sensually or intimately at any point. 

I am not angry that a 'cold move' turned out not to get the response I would have liked. But ALL the time is a bit much, no?

I just feel as if I am the one doing ALL of the passion-work in this relationship.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I also had the floppy hand move prior to my now recovering sexless marriage.

Face it your wife no longer values sex/intimacy with YOU.

She is now getting up the nerve to cut you off entirely as she sees sex as a chore and would rather do anything else. At this point it is basically pity sex. She is probably eyeing a relationship emotionally/physically with another man who is what you aren't.

I feel bad for you because it will get worse and be a long while until it gets better...if it ever does.

You have years of resentment to cut through first.
Tread carefully.. what you do can affect everything.

Be smart... identifying the issue is half the problem,

Face it, embrace it and change it.
You need to get to the point you are OK with or without her.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, do you ever just sit and talk to your wife? I mean talk like she does to her girlfriends?

If you are always touching her and coming on to her without fulfilling her emotional needs, you are just validating her feelings that all you care about is sex.

It is really easy for women to start feeling like a sexual object for their husbands. A man needs sex in a marriage to stay in love with his wife. It is easy for a woman to fulfill this. A womans needs her emotional connection fulfilled by talking, communicating, etc. It is not easy for a man to fulfill this.

After years of feeling like she fulfills your needs but hers goes unreciprocated, a woman will shut down. Her emotional needs are directly related to her sexual comunication.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

JustHer said:


> OP, do you ever just sit and talk to your wife? I mean talk like she does to her girlfriends?
> 
> If you are always touching her and coming on to her without fulfilling her emotional needs, you are just validating her feelings that all you care about is sex.
> 
> ...


It may seem odd but I am (more of) a communicator than she is. When I do bring things up she accuses me of being stressed at work and taking it out on her, which is generally not true, and she thinks I'm sex crazy. I am not, I don't think, sex crazy. I am just tried of having to ask, rarely is it ever given without asking.

I spoil my wife rotten in ways that have nothing to do with sex and our kids are in daycare several days a week. She uses this time to sleep and go to the gym and kick around the house. We and us are an afterthought.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

carltoncl said:


> But how do I bring this up with her?


_Wife,

I really love it when you initiate sex with me and when you do XYZ. I really think this would improve our mutual happiness in our marriage and I would looove if you initiated more. _

Tell her how you feel.
Be romantic during the day. Do things for her. The little things. How are you connecting emotionally? Because women's emotions = sex.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

T&T said:


> I think that's a stretch...
> 
> Just because someone is preoccupied with 3 kids doesn't mean they're chasing another man or woman. It's quite common for the sex drive to diminish when people are stressed.
> 
> The trick is to make time for yourselves and keep the flame going. Are you doing this OP?


We certainly try. For example, we have a nice house with a great bathroom. We try to take one day a week, usually a Fri or Sat night, with a nice, long bath, some drinks, and a long massage afterwards. We both enjoy it. But it's gotten kind of boring and predictable, though very nice. But it's usually me who drives the massaging and she waits for me to do the work, she just lays there otherwise. 

I would love for her to give ME the sensual massage, to touch ME, to kiss ME passionately. I am tired of driving all the time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you touch your wife for non sexual reasons? That is important for woman; holding hands on the couch when neither of us is thinking about sex is important to me as well as other forms of non sexual touching. i could easily envision a scenario where you're so sex starved that every touch leaves a little suggestion of sex, which is often not well received. Have you tried cuddling on the couch and then just going to bed with no suggestion of sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

carltoncl said:


> We certainly try. For example, we have a nice house with a great bathroom. We try to take one day a week, usually a Fri or Sat night, with a nice, long bath, some drinks, and a long massage afterwards. We both enjoy it. But it's gotten kind of boring and predictable, though very nice. But it's usually me who drives the massaging and she waits for me to do the work, she just lays there otherwise.
> 
> I would love for her to give ME the sensual massage, to touch ME, to kiss ME passionately. I am tired of driving all the time.


Interestingly, i see this as the male version of being too available. You know how when women sit by the phone waiting for the call it never comes, but when she's not so available all of a sudden she's intriguing? Have you considered being a little less available? Don't initiate that massage one Friday night, and if she brings it up tell her that you weren't sure she was interested since she never brings it up, and you're fine doing something for yourself. Her reaction will tell you a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Blah blah...

Sex is a choice, Intimacy is a choice. Talking is a choice.

I am tired of it always hearing advice that all of it is being put on the Man to make the woman "feel" like having sex/intimacy in a marriage where she proudly proclaimed to have and to hold and to love her husband FOR LIFE.

Face it there is an over-riding desire of long-term married women to divest themselves of sex.... really doesn't matter what the man does at that point rather than not accepting it. We actually do love our wives and want them to be happy. 

Men can choose to talk to the wife about her day and we do... we know silence would be brutal to a woman so we don't go there. Even when she withholds sex/intimacy... we still communicate to fulfill her need.A wife can meet her need for communication freely outside her vows. 

Women can choose to have sex with their husband when he is frisky.. they know its brutal to withhold his desire for sex that night but they do it anyhow.... regularly. They say they love their husbands yet don't lift a finger to fulfill a husbands need for sex/intimacy or do anything on their own to make it occur. Even just once a week for sex an everyday for intimacy.
A husband CANNOT without breaking his vows seek sex/intimacy elsewhere.

The game is rigged. Our ONLY recourse besides accepting torture... is divorcing or withholding what we know will hurt our wives. Sad but true. Marrige should not be a struggle like this especially a long-term one.

Hold your spouse accountable and they bring on whatever consequences occur after inaction.

Lack of sex/intimacy is not acceptable in any marriage unless BOTH partners agree on that lifestyle.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Blah blah...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just to play devil's advocate, there are a ton of threads started by women at TAM saying that their husband doesn't want to have sex with them and never initiates...


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interestingly, i see this as the male version of being too available. You know how when women sit by the phone waiting for the call it never comes, but when she's not so available all of a sudden she's intriguing? Have you considered being a little less available? Don't initiate that massage one Friday night, and if she brings it up tell her that you weren't sure she was interested since she never brings it up, and you're fine doing something for yourself. Her reaction will tell you a lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you might be right. I am a very proactive person and she probably counts on this. My fear is that if I don't ask, I will never receive.

Do you think this has anything to do with her unwillingness to initiate anything?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

T&T said:


> I think that's a stretch...
> 
> Just because someone is preoccupied with 3 kids doesn't mean they're chasing another man or woman. It's quite common for the sex drive to diminish when people are stressed.


Maybe the OP has left stuff out...but what stress does his wife have that would diminish her drive....other than the knowledge that her husband desires her....which shouldn't be stressful.

They are financially stable. She does not work. Children are school aged or in daycare....the OP massages her weekly, she gets regular spa days, goes to the gym 4-5 days per week.

It sounds like she's taking him for granted, frankly. He gives her everything, and she just takes. The only thing he's asking of her....to make an effort in their intimacy, because this is his need....she dismisses as being "sex crazy". I wonder how she'd feel if gym membership were cut, kids pulled out of daycare, no hotel getaways, spas or massages.....HER needs.

She may be lacking a drive, but she should care about WHY she's lacking, and make efforts to investigate and do something about it....not dismiss it as a non-essential.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

I should also mention something. We use the birth control pill right now and she has said that it lowers her libido. She is open to trying an IUD like Paragard.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

daffodilly said:


> Maybe the OP has left stuff out...but what stress does his wife have that would diminish her drive....other than the knowledge that her husband desires her....which shouldn't be stressful.
> 
> They are financially stable. She does not work. Children are school aged or in daycare....the OP massages her weekly, she gets regular spa days, goes to the gym 4-5 days per week.
> 
> ...


Clearly I'm biased but your line of thinking is what has been going through my head too. But I fear that if I confront her with this line of thinking she'll come back with a whole bunch of stuff of her own.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

carltoncl said:


> I think you might be right. I am a very proactive person and she probably counts on this. My fear is that if I don't ask, I will never receive.
> 
> Do you think this has anything to do with her unwillingness to initiate anything?



Possibly, but think of it this way: you don't want obligatory sex, you want your wife to want to do things for you. So it would be helpful to know whether it is obligatory or she is just used to you being proactive. My hb is ths ultimate planner and I'll admit I get a little lazy that way because he's so good at it, but when he doesn't i will step up. You need to know which one you're dealing with. And fyi, I saw your other post and the pill crushed my libido. Perhaps a different pill or another method would be better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> Interestingly, i see this as the male version of being too available.


She has not had to own any of the relationship's intimacy and knows you will drive things. She is happy with the status quo and she has fashioned it based on her desires or lack thereof. If you never initiate again my bet is you will shatter futility records before she even notices.

That's why the rest of the strategy is to get in great shape, spend time with your friends, be slightly less available than she would like and maintain a bit of mystery about what you are up to when you are away.

I have your exact same situation and only way my wife pursues me is if she feels me slipping away a bit.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

carltoncl said:


> Clearly I'm biased but your line of thinking is what has been going through my head too. But I fear that if I confront her with this line of thinking she'll come back with a whole bunch of stuff of her own.


What stuff? If she's harboring resentments you don't know about, better they be out in the open where you can talk about it. She very well will get angry and defensive when you point out all you do and the only thing you ask for. But she should be able to tell you why she is justified in dismissing your needs. 

Taking care of children means giving them a stable home. That means a happy marriage. Ignoring your spouses' needs because you don't value them, puts your marriage on the rocks, which, to me, points her to being an irresponsible parent.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, there are a ton of threads started by women at TAM saying that their husband doesn't want to have sex with them and never initiates...



Yes but women don't NEED sex like a man... sure it bites she is not desired but its totally different.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> *And fyi, I saw your other post and the pill crushed my libido. Perhaps a different pill or another method would be better.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't realize your wife was on the pill.....that's definitely a libido killer, from my own experience....my H had a V done, but even if he hadn't, I'd never go on the pill again for that reason. I'd definitely look into an alternate means of BC.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> Maybe the OP has left stuff out...but what stress does his wife have that would diminish her drive....other than the knowledge that her husband desires her....which shouldn't be stressful.
> 
> They are financially stable. She does not work. Children are school aged or in daycare....the OP massages her weekly, she gets regular spa days, goes to the gym 4-5 days per week.
> 
> ...


Women don't..they have a VERY hard time ADMITTING they are the problem. They will destroy their marriage just so they don't have to admit THEY WERE WRONG, they were at fault.

Men..man up..admit mistakes and move on.

Women.. are drama..drag it out and destroy all in the process.

Difference in the sexes. Difference in the thought process and brain makeup.

Men want it fixed.
Women want what they want and usually have no clue what that is.

Men are easy.
Women are not.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Yes but women don't NEED sex like a man... sure it bites she is not desired but its totally different.


How in the world would you know this? THIS woman needs sex. So do plenty others on these boards and in life.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Women don't..they have a hard time ADMITTING they are the problem. They will destroy their marriage just so they don't have to admit THEY WERE WRONG.
> 
> Men..man up..admit mistakes and move on.
> 
> ...


Your wife is not representative of all women.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

carltoncl said:


> Clearly I'm biased but your line of thinking is what has been going through my head too. But I fear that if I confront her with this line of thinking she'll come back with a whole bunch of stuff of her own.


What stuff?

I think a good conversation to have starts with "I'm tired of being a doormat"....

You will find all the things you think you are doing right, but in actuality you are missing the mark, and your wife will find out all the things she thinks she is doing right but missing the mark..

You think you are meeting your wife's emotional needs becuase you provide money, kids, house etc..... Mabye your wife enjoys these things but they are not her core needs....

Your wife thinks she is meeting your main needs by cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids.... You enjoy these things but they are not your core need.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> How in the world would you know this? THIS woman needs sex. So do plenty others on these boards and in life.


You do not have the same sex drive as a man its iimpossible... you may enjoy it now but that is certainly not indicative of many "LD" women.

You could change your desire for sex at a moments notice.
Men its hard wired into our being. One word Testosterone.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> Your wife is not representative of all women.


She is a woman with the same though process of all women. She just may have more courage than most.


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

Hicks said:


> What stuff?
> 
> I think a good conversation to have starts with "I'm tired of being a doormat"....
> 
> ...



Couldn't agree with you more. My fear though, based on past experience, is that she will simply come back to her usual story about me being sex crazed and she provides plenty around the house, equal to or greater than the 1% lifestyle she enjoys.

I suppose I should ask how far to push this argument: my superior ability to deliver stability and freedom and a great home environment without any financial worries against my simple desire for a happy wife that finds me attractive and treats me as more than a roommate.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> I suppose I should ask how far to push this argument: my superior ability to deliver stability and freedom and a great home environment without any financial worries against my simple desire for a happy wife that finds me attractive and treats me as more than a roommate.


What you described about yourself sounds like a roommate.

Or rather, more like a sugar daddy.

Do you have any other emotional attachment/interaction with your W besides sex? Spend any time talking intimately with her? Share any hobbies/acitivities/interests?

I realize this is a short post on one topic and not covering all aspects of your life, but is there anything else to your relationship? I get the impression perhaps she could be feeling like a prostitute (you provide "money" for sex.) I imagine that would be difficult to be excited about.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

carltoncl said:


> Couldn't agree with you more. My fear though, based on past experience, is that she will simply come back to her usual story about me being sex crazed and she provides plenty around the house, equal to or greater than the 1% lifestyle she enjoys.
> 
> I suppose I should ask how far to push this argument: my superior ability to deliver stability and freedom and a great home environment without any financial worries against my simple desire for a happy wife that finds me attractive and treats me as more than a roommate.


I would recommend you buy and read the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley. I think it's entirely possible that you and your wife are both missing the mark on meeting one another's most important needs. See if your wife will read it with you and do the exercises at the ends of the chapters.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

carltoncl said:


> Thanks for everyone's feedback so far, it is much welcomed.
> 
> To answer your question, there was indeed foreplay. My wife has a great body and I enjoy touching and caressing her prior to or even in the absence of, sex. It is just rarely reciprocated. As I said originally, she hardly ever touches me sensually or intimately at any point.
> 
> ...


ALL the time is way more than just a bit much... it's a huge massive red flag.
If it's not working, change what you are doing.

Don't really know enough to comment more, but there is a possibility that there is a huge mis-communication in love languages.

Or she is too far into resentment to want to try.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your wife ever tells you that you are sex crazed, you tell her the following.

Wife, I suppose it can appear to you that I'm sex crazed. But, I want you to know that I love you and to me you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am made to want to connect with you sexually. If it were just about getting off, I could look at internet porn and masturbate... But it is about connecting in a loving way with my wife... And as a man, I'm wired this way, and it will not change.

You want her to say you are sex crazed, so you can being to change her views. And a similar conversation about how she does A, B, C for the house, kids... "Wife, I apprecaite all of those things... I really do. But as a man, my main emotional need is sexual fulfillment.... I am just wired this way". You can't solve this problem in your marriage without having conversations where you communcate your needs in a way that does not portray sexual fulfillment as sexual gratification.

But, your side of the street needs attention.... Women do not connect emotionally with their husband just because they live in a nice house, have money etc.... The enjoy it and they want it, but it is not what makes them feel loved by their man.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You do not have the same sex drive as a man its iimpossible... you may enjoy it now but that is certainly not indicative of many "LD" women.
> 
> You could change your desire for sex at a moments notice.
> Men its hard wired into our being. One word Testosterone.


Gender generalizations don't go over well.
Most of us are aware of your uniquely painful situation, but since you chose to extend the Two Year Plan to a Four Year Plan, I've noticed you seem quite bitter towards women (in general) in a lot of posts.
I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things get better for you soon.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You do not have the same sex drive as a man its iimpossible... you may enjoy it now but that is certainly not indicative of many "LD" women.
> 
> *You could change your desire for sex at a moments notice.*
> Men its hard wired into our being. One word Testosterone.


And if I did, I would not shrug, sit back and accept it. I'd do everything in my power to find out why my drive is down and do whatever's necessary to get it back. Nor would I dismiss my husband's drive. 

But you don't know me. You've chosen your path. Sorry it makes you bitter towards every other woman.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> Gender generalizations don't go over well.
> Most of us are aware of your uniquely painful situation, but since you chose to extend the Two Year Plan to a Four Year Plan, I've noticed you seem quite bitter towards women (in general) in a lot of posts.
> I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things get better for you soon.


Perhaps they don't... fact remains there IS a difference between genders when it comes to sex. The PC thing to do is to say there isn't and treat everyone as equals regardless of their gender in regards to the drive and need for sex.

My situation is no different than many in which the woman/wife decides sex is no longer on the table regularly. I do not weep for my situation but I will point out he differences in the sexes and their deep rooted view of sex to help explain the madness and the hell men face in long-term marriage.

Get to year 16/17.... Danger Will Robinson. This is due to mostly women and midlife issues both emotional and physical.

I love women as a gender... but they do have issues and a tendency to drag solutions out, refuse to communicate and bury their heads in the sand.

I go back to *talking*... what would happen if a husband refused to talk to his wife?

That is the closest analogy I can come up with to a wife withholding sex/intimacy from her husband.

Because that is equal gender specific *pain*.
I don't hear about mute husbands much at all... I hear plenty of sexless wives and "sex crazed" husbands.

There is an imbalance between the sexes when it comes to fairness in a marriage.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Perhaps they don't... fact remains there IS a difference between genders when it comes to sex. The PC thing to do is to say there isn't and treat everyone as equals regardless of their gender.
> 
> My situation is no different than many in which the woman/wife decides sex is no longer on the table regularly. I do not weep for my situation but I will point out he differences in the sexes and their deep rooted view of sex to help explain the madness and the hell men face in long-term marriage.
> 
> ...


Go read my threads. Then start a new one, and I will gladly discuss these issues with you. Share my opinion. In a politically correct way. Apologies to the OP for the jack, on my part anyways.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

carltoncl said:


> I should also mention something. We use the birth control pill right now and she has said that it lowers her libido. She is open to trying an IUD like Paragard.


Well there you go. Get her off the pill - no more hormones.... Give her at least three months to reregulate her body and see what happens. If she doesn't perk back up, you might have to sit her down and have a serious talk with her.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> Go read my threads. Then start a new one, and I will gladly discuss these issues with you.


 Yeah, I'd like to post to that thread, too, because you couldn't be more gender-incorrect in regards to my sitch, especially the male aspects.

To the OP, you didn't answer my questions, so if you don't miind. What other forms of "intimacy" do you share with your W besides sex? What LL of your W's do you meet, besides financial support?


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## carltoncl (Jun 24, 2013)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> Yeah, I'd like to post to that thread, too, because you couldn't be more gender-incorrect in regards to my sitch, especially the male aspects.
> 
> To the OP, you didn't answer my questions, so if you don't miind. What other forms of "intimacy" do you share with your W besides sex? What LL of your W's do you meet, besides financial support?


Other forms of intimacy that we share are date nights, usually once a month but sometimes twice, couples massages, going to the gym together (we're both gym rats), stuff like that. I have a trip planned for just the two of us to Florida in late summer staying in a very nice hotel, right by the beach. I organized the entire trip with her in mind.

Not sure what you meant by your last question, sorry!


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm in kind of a similar situation, we have regular sex but she rarely as into it as me, has always been LD, feels obligatory on her part much of the time (although she denies it's a chore but you know when the passion is not there). Also my wife is not "hot" by conventional standards, not in good shape. I personally find her incredibly sexy and attractive though and wouldn't change a thing about her so I don't care - but the point is my wife doesn't have as many options as maybe your wife does. My wife also does run a lot of errands during the day since she runs the household and stays with the kids (we also have 3), and I recently began noticing how much effort that really does take and I tell her so and tell her how much I appreciate it and respect it.

Do you sit down with your wife at the end of every day and ask her how her day was? Actually be interested - ask questions. UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. If the kids interrupt, tell them to wait. Your wife is the number one priority when she is telling you about her day. Don't let her off the hook with a simple "oh the usual". Dig if you have to - it usually doesn't take much. Then sit back and listen - really listen, and maintain eye contact. Don't interrupt. When she is done give some affirmations - "yeah, your friend was wrong to do that", "those grocery store parking lots really are a pain in the ass" etc. 

Be interested - ask questions to keep the conversation going - don't act like you're waiting for it to end and relieved when it does. Keep it alive until you are sure she's got it all out, or at least a good 15 - 20 minutes have passed. Over time it may get shorter but initially she is going to love that she can open up to you and will release the floodgates. The first couple weeks for me we actually stayed up for hours late at night talking, just like when we were kids and first met. You may find you're not super interested in the things she's talking about, but that you love the closeness and connection you will begin feeling with her.

Do this for a week or two straight and you will have blown her mind. Took me 20 years to figure that simple secret out. Better yet I found out I enjoy it too and it makes me feel way closer to her and actually relaxes me. It can be the most inane, dull conversational topics but somehow it works wonders. I will never stop doing this with her again. 

Oh, and the pill sucks. Now uses an intra-uterine (I think that's what it's called), works like a champ. Get her off the pill, start paying attention to the details of her life and really talking to her and LISTEN and make sure she knows you are listening and that you truly care. 

Send her text messages of a NON-sexual nature a couple times a week, telling her how much you admire her and appreciate what she does etc. Very important that you express what you love about her BESIDES looks and sex. She already knows that and doesn't care. Tell her specifically the things you love about her personality and the things she does (besides sex).

It couldn't hurt, right? Just don't go over the top (I kind of did at first). Be sincere or she will see right through it. And be consistent, don't stop after you have sex and ignore her until you start getting horny again. Keep it going no matter what is happening sexually.

My two cents.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

carltoncl said:


> It may seem odd but I am (more of) a communicator than she is. When I do bring things up she accuses me of being stressed at work and taking it out on her, which is generally not true, and she thinks I'm sex crazy. I am not, I don't think, sex crazy. I am just tried of having to ask, rarely is it ever given without asking.
> 
> I spoil my wife rotten in ways that have nothing to do with sex and our kids are in daycare several days a week. She uses this time to sleep and go to the gym and kick around the house. We and us are an afterthought.


She has a perfect life....Why should she change a single thing????

Check out the "how much is a hard working husband worth".....Long very insightful thread about this problem....

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Don't think not initiating is a LD phenomenon....My wife and I had crazy mad dog sex for years, and she initiated it perhaps twice.....I have heard of women on TSM who say their favorite position is "corpse".....Now "THATS" LD......


the woodchuck


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

justtryin said:


> I'm in kind of a similar situation, we have regular sex but she rarely as into it as me, has always been LD, feels obligatory on her part much of the time (although she denies it's a chore but you know when the passion is not there). Also my wife is not "hot" by conventional standards, not in good shape. I personally find her incredibly sexy and attractive though and wouldn't change a thing about her so I don't care - but the point is my wife doesn't have as many options as maybe your wife does. My wife also does run a lot of errands during the day since she runs the household and stays with the kids (we also have 3), and I recently began noticing how much effort that really does take and I tell her so and tell her how much I appreciate it and respect it.
> 
> Do you sit down with your wife at the end of every day and ask her how her day was? Actually be interested - ask questions. UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. If the kids interrupt, tell them to wait. Your wife is the number one priority when she is telling you about her day. Don't let her off the hook with a simple "oh the usual". Dig if you have to - it usually doesn't take much. Then sit back and listen - really listen, and maintain eye contact. Don't interrupt. When she is done give some affirmations - "yeah, your friend was wrong to do that", "those grocery store parking lots really are a pain in the ass" etc.
> 
> ...


And when you talk to her turn off the TV and put the laptop down. Makes a huge impression.


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